Chapters The oppressive swelter of the boiler room always felt like penance in Tartarus. Sweat trickled down the back of Starlight Glimmer’s neck as she swung the shovel casting another load of coal into the great glowing furnace. It was hard to breathe down here and she could never wait to leave. The shovel floated back to the pile, spade driving in again to get one last bite of food for the endlessly hungry flames.
Exhaling, Starlight mopped her face off with her fetlock leaving dark smudges on her cheeks and forehead. She swung the slotted door closed on the furnace with a creak and a clank. Then she planted the shovel in the coal pile and checked the boiler gauge before vanishing in a magical flash. She appeared topside, the salty breeze brought her immediate relief from the suffocating heat but the sudden brightness of daylight and the cacophony of the gargantuan steam winch brought a new assault on her senses. The smoke stacks spewed a blackness into the sky that looked like ink in water.
“Clear the deck,” shouted Captain Breaker over the pounding ratchet of the gears. “She's comin’ up.” he floated his pipe back in his mouth.
The crew gathered at the aft end of the spacious cargo deck where Whitecap stood idly at the controls. Everyone was looking to the portside except for Starlight who absently watched the reel, mesmerized by the braided steel cable as it coiled around smoothly like string on a kite bobbin. This was her fourth life… A far cry from any of its predecessors.
The unicorn captain checked his watch only half paying attention to the crane. Suddenly the ship leaned to the portside as the payload broke the ocean surface and suddenly became heavier. The groan of the winch went up slightly in key as it strained. Water gushed from every hole as the frayed midsection of the wrecked airship rose into the air. It stopped abruptly with a sway after reaching its zenith at the end of the crane booms.
Whitecap flipped a switch and the payload began to slide inward over the deck of the ship, suspended by its two ends. The crew watched with palpable anticipation because no one knew exactly what to expect with this one.
Briney, the ship's indispensable transforming hippogriff, flapped up over the side of the railing and back into the boat. He slunk up to the group dripping wet with a smirk on his face.
“The debris field was actually pretty small,” he shouted over the clatter. “But it was super close to the edge of the shelf. If that ship had hit the water maybe thirty meters to the west we'd just be out here jerking off for a day and going back with empty talons.”
“You see bodies?” grunted Stormfront.”
“Oh yeah,” he nodded.
“You go in there?”
“I stuck my head in.”
The deck shook beneath them as the midsection settled with a loud creak. Breaker sighed a puff of smoke and the great crane went silent.
“Good work Mr. Briney,” he extolled, noting that the payload had come up both secured and upright. “Check those cells, Spot Weld,” he barked.
The whole company strode over to the gaping opening where the section of the wreckage had ripped away from the rest of the pleasure cruise airship. There, near the opening, was the pallid form of a dead pony wrapped gracelessly around a metal girder. The upright bend in the beam looked like it had kept the corpse from sliding out with the exiting water which was even now still spilling onto the deck and pooling around their hooves.
Pastel covered her mouth and looked away. The captain lit up his horn and gazed past the first body to the inside of the wreckage. He lifted his cap and swept back his auburn mane, uncharacteristically betraying dismay at the unfortunate scene within.
“The crystal cells all appear to be intact,” reported Spot Weld.
Most cheered in celebration. Starlight frowned. This meant more money for all of them.
The captain turned back to address the crew. “Zircon, Starlight and Newbie, get inside that wreck and retrieve all creatures’ remains you can find. Drag them out on cots or burlap if you have to. Lay them out in a row on the deck. Depending on what happens in port we may be stowing them on ice for a while. Spot Weld and Whitecap, harvest those cells carefully. It would be a pity to lose those bonuses now. Set a course for Gulletown, Mr. Stormfront. With that he tapped out his pipe and left for his quarters.
The three tapped to delve into the wreck equipped themselves in short order and assembled back in the puddle to begin the grim task.
Zircon was a seafaring veteran who hardly ever spoke and when he did it was never in rhyming sonnets like one would expect from a zebra raised in the heart of Zebrica. Pastel, the one they were calling newbie, was a delicate pegasus barely out of her teens and just starting out on the job. Clearly from a different world, her reasons for the vessel were a mystery to all. Starlight had been on two boats over the past five years. That put her somewhere in the middle of the two of them.
Without giving it much visual scrutiny, Starlight levitated the first corpse some distance from the wreck and laid it out in a more dignified position.
The three of them walked into the dank hold. Starlight's horn was illuminated while her companions carried small lanterns around their necks. The floor was slick and all around them they could hear the dripping of water, drops pattering on the floor and on their heads.
It wasn't long at all before they came upon several corpses scattered around the interior of what used to be a restaurant serving carefree vacationers. Their bodies were pale, bloated and eyeless. Their positions weren't anything indicative of a moment of terror frozen in time but more like dice shaken in a cup.
Pastel covered her mouth again as she side-eyed her first candidate who was slumped on her side. “Ugh, nasty. Why me?” she groaned.
“He wants to see if you'll quit,” offered Starlight. Gazing down at the almost unrecognizable form of the unicorn. A startled crab clinging to its face raised its claws and scuttled away.
“If you can handle pulling dead bodies out of a wreck you can handle anything.” Then again, she thought, maybe he just picked three who didn't cheer.
“He didn't mention this in the interview. Are dead bodies common on these voyages?” she asked, unrolling a cot beside the corpse.
Starlight shook her head, floating the remains onto the little mat. “No. I've honestly never seen anything like this before.” she thought back to the crystal cells. That and whatever value the reclaimed metal in the wreck could produce was all that they were after. The bodies were just an inconvenience. It felt like grave-robbing in a sense. They had exhumed these ponies looking for valuables. Though she supposed if they could get the remains back to their families it became a mutually beneficial outcome and a little less ghoulishly cynical.
Ships that sailed on the water usually went down slower and there was time for those onboard to escape or at least not die trapped in a flooded compartment. One week ago this airship, at least according to the report, fell right out of the sky in pieces after an onboard explosion attributed to a mechanical failure. Due to the violent and abrupt nature of the accident, many ponies onboard perished but they'd only see a small fraction of them today.
Zircon and Pastel dragged their loaded cots out onto the deck, dumping them off side by side as the captain had instructed. Starlight brought up the rear, levitating her own body. They reentered for more.
“This feels like it should be someone else's job,” mused Pastel. “Not anyone on this ship, someone on a different ship… not a salvage ship.”
Though articulated strangely, Starlight empathized with the sentiment. She rolled another one over, a stallion earth pony. The lips had been chewed off by scavengers leaving the teeth exposed in a snarl. Her stomach churned. This was not her most unglamorous moment since leaving Ponyville but it was the one that dredged up the most lament.
She yearned for a life of soft things again. She loved the ocean and the anonymity of her world. But she hated the loneliness and that her career and home were inseparable and the transitory nature of everything. Jobs… Contracts… Faces… Places… Ships. Nothing was permanent and when nothing was permanent what was the point of letting anything grow on you?
By the end of it they had swept four rooms and laid out eleven bodies, a head and two legs that appeared to be from different ponies. They put swatches of burlap over their faces, leaving them in the open air for the time being. The captain radioed search and rescue and organized a pickup of the remains at Gulletown as soon as possible. He checked in with Starlight just as she was finishing up at the grizzly scene.
“Your contract is up, Starlight. You re-signing with us?”
The color still hadn't fully returned to her face. “What's the next job?” she asked.
“Two galleons sank around Jade Bay. They went down with about a hundred tons of gems a piece. Not even my ship can lift both of them out of the water so cargo recovery could be as much as four weeks work.”
She nodded with weak approval. “Uh… yeah. Sounds good. When do we head out?”
“Tomorrow morning. We have to stop in Sentinel on the way to ditch the scrap and restock on coal.”
“I'll be there,” she sighed.
“Great. Going ashore for the night?”
“Yeah… I need a break after this one.”
“I'll have all your papers ready to sign when you get back tomorrow.”
Luna’s Fury chugged into the harbor against the dying orange light of the sun just as the peninsula lighthouse beacon blossomed to life. It was almost always the largest ship at every dock.
The crew was free to hit the town for the night and report back early in the morning. The amenities were only marginally better than on the boat but worth it for most, especially if they wanted to wake up next to a warm body.
Gulletown was a hole of a port. It was a griffin and pony co-op that smelled like fish and machine grease. If it weren't for the lighthouse and the water she'd say it was about as picturesque as a hair clog in a drain, the type of place that looked like it would give a visitor tetanus if they stood around too long. She was going ashore for drinks. More than usual would be required to erase the things she saw today.
“Have you been here before?” asked Pastel just after leaving the gangplank. She stood on the dock looking back at her expectantly.
Starlight blinked at the mare's ambush of a question that had yanked her out of her own mind. “Several times now.” she answered, stepping off beside her.
Pastel cocked her head. “You're going drinking, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I come with? I don't know anything about this place.”
“Yeah,” she sighed as they started down a dock as wide as a Manehattan boulevard.
“Haven't really seen a place like this yet,” she continued, scanning her eyes across the profile of the town. “It looks… quaint.”
“Most of these places just aren't very nice to be in,” muttered Starlight. “This isn't a sightseeing town. It's a shoddy amusement park for bastards. Don't just go wandering around alone.”
They left the dock and ventured onto the waterfront boardwalk which was the main drag. The town looked like it was carved out of the side of the stony hill it resided on, a place were seagulls had always congregated even before it became a place where creatures pulled dead things out of the sea.
“Is it there? That place looks fun,” said Pastel pointing to a lively old house with creatures carousing on the covered porch and a different colored light in every window.
“That's a brothel,” replied Starlight. “Sure they have a bar but I don't really want to go there.” She also didn't like the high probability of running into her coworkers.
“Oh,” she put simply.
“it's still a ways down here.”
The watering hole that Starlight found least offensive happened to be very close to the hotel she found least shady. A griffin and pony leared at Pastel as they passed by. The glance went unnoticed by her but not Starlight who felt a sudden pang of adrenaline.
“I like the ones with wings,” laughed, who she assumed was, the griffin just before they drifted out of earshot.
They came across the small, unassuming hole in the wall joint. A sign hanging out over the boardwalk read The Rudderless Ship. The neighboring fence and part of the exterior of the bar were plastered with countless posters and advertisements, the vast majority of which happened to be a repeated tessellation of a blue mare unicorn that Starlight never wanted to see again. The Great and Powerful Trixie's World Tour… Starlight wrinkled her muzzle in annoyance as they passed. She had seen that stupid poster in virtually every port and backwater town she'd braved in the past month. She could go to the ends of the earth and that fucking magician would be performing somewhere in the general vicinity.
The show bill had a sizable list of dates for cities in countries all over the planet. The big red stenciled letters stamped haphazardly across the matrix of posters said ‘canceled’ but it just registered as visual noise in Starlight's brain. She pushed inside and held the door open for her companion.
The place was well lit and they always kicked out the opiumheads which was about as much as she could ask for. For the moment it was mostly empty inside and those who were drinking were doing so alone. The pony bartender glanced up at them briefly in acknowledgment.
“What do you want?” asked Pastel.
Starlight shrugged. “Whatever ale; I'm not picky,” she replied before staking out a little table in the corner. She'd find soon enough that there wasn't much selection out here.
Starlight sank into the chair. Usually she sat at the end of the bar but she didn't like sitting at the bar with company.
“So what are we drinking to?” asked Pastel, reappearing with two open bottles in her wingtips.
“Those ponies getting reunited with their lost family and those who never will be.”
“Right…”
Starlight clinked her bottle on Pastel’s and they took drinks.
Pastel shook her head with a faraway look in her eyes. “That was messed up,” she muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. Thanks for taking the head for me.”
“Oh… Yeah,” mumbled Starlight remembering the loose body parts on the wreck.
Pastel quickly took a second swig. “So what the hell are you doing here anyway?”
Starlight blinked. That sounded like a question she should be asking Pastel, not the other way around.
“What do you mean?” ask Starlight.
“I know you're working a job for money but it's not one that's really your vocation, is it? You're not like all the other ones here.” She waved her hoof around. “You're more like me.”
It seemed like a strangely on point observation for someone so aloof and misplaced to have. “If I'm really more like you then maybe you already know the answer to that question.”
Pastel's eyes rolled around in her head like she was trying to unravel the evasive answer, a jigsaw puzzle with too many missing pieces.
“Okay fine I'll go first and then you have to tell me yours. It's not all that interesting though. I'm a painter, supposed to be an artist, right? That's what my cutie mark says. Of course I'm good at it but just because I'm good doesn't mean I can make money off of art. I needed some other kind of application for my skills. Big boats are always needing to be painted and I can do other stuff too. It's not very creative but I have to do something and I didn't want to stay where I was. I wanted to see other far off places even if they're like this.”
“Yeah… sounds like you got catfished in that regard.”
“Well, nobody actually told me it was like that; it was just a story I told myself because… I don't know. The real catfish is my cutie mark.”
Her tale sounded about like what she expected, pathetic and sad. Starlight sighed. She could tell her one life story but not all of them. She never told all of them.
“I don't really have an interesting story myself either. I used to have a pretty good life actually. But the pony I loved fell in love with my best friend and I couldn't handle it so I just abandoned everything and never went back.”
“That's brutal… both what happened and how you responded. Do you ever feel like going back?”
“No,” she lied.
The bartender appeared at their table and set a big basket of fries down between them. “Here's your fish and chips without the fish,” he grunted.
“Thank you,” chimed Pastel, already sampling them. “I can't eat all these; take some.”
A faint smile tugged at the corners of Starlight's mouth as she helped herself to the greasy pile atop a blotchy newsprint wrapper.
An older Griffin came in through the front door and went straight up to the bar.
“Dammit, Sparks, why didn't you tell me the Great and Powerful World Tour was canceled?” he began in sarcastic urgency, jesting at the self-importance of the event implied by its inescapable add campaign.
The bartender laughed absently as he began the routine of preparing whatever this bird's usual was. “You didn't hear the magic lady got herself killed?”
Starlight's eyes widened in shock above her bottle. She set it down clumsily on the table, face snapping to the pair like a magnet. They couldn't possibly be talking about Trixie.
“Oh shit, so no more magic ever?”
“No more magic ever,” he shook his head gravely.
“Hey,” called Starlight weakly.
The griffin clutched his mixed drink and the two looked at her.
“Is that true? She's dead?”
The bartender shrugged. “Was in the paper. Front page right before that airship exploded; now the crash is all anyone talks about.”
“Are you a fan or something?” asked Pastel curiously.
“No,” she breathed, eyes falling back on the table. “Just sounds like a crazy news week is all. Kind of nice to be out on the sea and disconnected from all that, you know?” She finished her bottle and called for a second.
It was getting late, or rather, Starlight needed to escape into solitude where the real drinking could begin. She hadn't had a single thought that wasn't about Trixie since overhearing that discussion, silently cycling in an unending loop of shock and denial. The timing seemed like a particularly cruel prank by the universe.
Pastel and Starlight got up from the table leaving five empty bottles.
“I'm staying the night in town,” murmured Starlight. “Are you planning on getting a room tonight or flying back to the ship?” Even with all the turmoil in her brain she was still worried about the pegasus.
“I’ll probably just walk back to the ship,” shrugged Pastel.
“You fly back to the ship,” repeated Starlight with a slow, serious emphasis.
“Okay,” Pastel nodded slowly.
They left together but parted ways in the lamplight of the door. Starlight went up the street with a big unopened bottle of rum and got a room at a hotel she'd stayed at once before.
She trudged up the squeaky stairs to her little room. She dutifully locked the door set her bottle of rum on the table followed by a days old newspaper she scrounged up in the lobby with a small article about Trixie and the mishap she had during her performance. Actually seeing it in writing was surreal. She was really gone and in horrific fashion.
Starlight sat in the rickety chair and rubbed her face. What a day. She was not emotionally prepared to hear this. She bit the cork out of the bottle and took a big swig just as the tears came pouring down her cheeks.
She coughed and set the bottle down again. “Well, this is what you wanted, right?” she gasped with burning throat. “So why the fuck are you crying?”
No one in Starlight's life had played both her best friend and worst enemy like Trixie had. She'd come to symbolize everything she'd wanted but lost. The championship trophy sitting in the other team's clubhouse. She had planned to just be angry and resentful forever but the news of her passing had left her reeling. Inside her was a rock tumbler of conflicting emotions leaving her floundering to latch on to any one. But if she had to pick, guilt and despair were fighting for the top of the pile.
She was guilty of lusting for this irrevocable outcome, even bordering on being willing to make it happen herself. How could she deserve to cry over her ex friend's death when she'd wished her harm and felt nothing but resentment toward her since the moment they parted? She bowed her head and began to sob.- - -
An obnoxious rattling ring awakened Starlight from her nightmares. She pushed herself up from a face down position upon the rumpled comforter. She hadn't even got under the covers, just passed out on top of them. The bottle of rum lay dry and discarded on the floor. She reached for the alarm clock but it ran out of steam and went quiet on its own.
“Ugh,” Starlight squeezed her swimming head. “So stupid,” she grunted. “You never learn anything…”
She'd been too wasted and depressed to enjoy the soft bed and shower she paid for. At least she had enough awareness to set an alarm for herself.
Starlight struggled to the edge of the bed and got to her hooves with a grunt. She wobbled into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Her sorry reflection stared back at her with hollow, red eyes. She pushed her hair back and pulled the beanie over her head before leaving the room. The stairs squeaked under her as she hugged the hoofrail all the way down.
Outside she looked across the harbor to see the dark behemoth, Luna's Fury still docked. Her teleportation spell fizzled into a pulse of pain making her wince. “Fuck,” she gasped in torment, visoring her eyes from the rising sun over shimmering waves. “I didn't even go home with anyone and I'm still doing the walk of shame.”
Seagulls cried callously overhead as Starlight ambled back toward the dock, retracing her steps from the previous night. As she came to the bar, her eyes ran along the wall of posters, where she saw Trixie's face again and again and again. Canceled. Canceled. Canceled. Canceled. She stopped and looked at the ripped and wrinkled smile of the mare she used to call her friend and wished that everything in her life had been a dream and she could just wake up and start the real one.
Somehow she made it to the ship, finding Breaker and Stormfront in the wheelhouse.
“Starlight, you look like you had a night,” began the captain, setting his coffee down. “Got your contract.”
She swallowed and licked her lips, trying to lubricate her mouth with all the moisture of a single raindrop. “I- I changed my mind. I can't sign on with you again; I need to leave for personal reasons.”
The captain frowned. “I'm sorry to hear that.”
“I don't know when I'll be back or if you'll even need me when I am,” she continued. “But I have to go.”
Breaker rubbed his stubble. “If we are meant to, we'll cross paths again. And if we do, there will be room on my ship.”
“Thank you. Uh, one more thing,” she smiled weakly. “Can you drop me off at Sentinel?”
The Old Ponish text began to blur together in the weary orange lamp light. Sunburst lifted his glasses to rub his eyes and give them a few more minutes of stamina. He immediately began to squander them staring into the flame and suddenly he was looking straight into the candle he'd lit on his wedding day. It was just moments before they kissed and the whole crowd cheered. There was so much promised for their future together in that single moment. It all felt like a distant dream now.
His reveries scattered as he became aware of the sound of soft breathing below him. He pulled back from his desk to look down at the floor where his son lay sleeping under a blanket with a couch pillow under his head. Sunburst smiled weakly. The kid hadn't fallen asleep in his own bed once since the news. Sunburst allowed him to stay by him while he worked or read as long as he promised to try to go to sleep.
The eight-year-old unicorn’s fur was a ghostlike pale blue, lighter than his mother's, closer to the color of her mane. His hair was curly and light tan. The fur beneath his eyes was still matted with tears but at least now he was at peace.
So this was how it was now… Just the two of them alone. That in itself wasn't strange; It had been this way for the past three weeks. They'd done it before when his mother went on tour. It was hard and lonely for a little bit but then she came back and they felt like a full family again. She'd have stories and photos and souvenirs for them. They had been eagerly awaiting that wonderful moment again but now it would never come. She was on the last leg of her trip and then one morning they woke up and were left staring into a cold emptiness.
When she left they never thought it could be the last time they ever spoke to her. She said this would be her last one, her grand finale but who really knew with Trixie? The mare was hard to tear away from the stage.
She was going to come home and settle back into being the full-time guidance counselor. They were going to have another foal together. Maybe it would be a filly. They'd stay and raise their family in Ponyville working at the School of Friendship and living the dream. All those plans and hopes had evaporated so quickly, their life dashed on the rocks. He'd never made plans for if such a thing to happened. How could he possibly conceive of it?
Sunburst stepped out of his chair and levitated Hat Trick softly into the air still in his blanket. He floated him down the hall to his own room and laid him gently on the bed. The colt stirred slightly, rolling over with a whimper but he stayed sleeping. His father fixed the blanket so that it covered all of him and then quietly left the room.
He went back to his study and snuffed out the candle. Then he crawled straight into his cold bed. Sunburst could force himself to keep working his job but he couldn't brush his teeth or comb his hair anymore. He shut his eyes and rolled over till his muzzle was resting on Trixie's pillow. He could still smell her there but it was becoming fainter by the day. He was overdue to wash the sheets but he wasn't ready yet. It was just one little piece of her but once he relinquished it it would be gone forever.
Sunburst inhaled slowly through his nose and exhaled a shuddering breath. Sleep at least was a pleasant reprieve from existence. - - -
Being alone was dangerous for Sunburst's psyche but he didn't like being around other ponies much either right now. Everyone wanted to console him but he still wasn't ready to talk about it yet. Some stubborn childlike part of him maintained that perhaps if he didn't talk about it it wouldn't be true anymore. If he didn't believe it, if he didn't acknowledge it maybe she would come back and this nightmare would be undone.
Sunburst's office at work was getting messier by the day. He never would have let empty food containers and unfilled papers pile up like this before. It seemed he could still perform large basic obligations in day-to-day life as long as someone was counting on him but everything at the periphery was eroding away quickly.
Abacus beads clacked as he hunched over the papers on his desk. The numbers fell out of his head as someone knocked at his door.
His pen stopped scratching. “Come in,” he called without looking up.
Applebloom poked her head reverently into her senior coworkers workspace, a bundle of papers and envelopes in her mouth. She came in and dropped them off on her side of his desk. “Got yer stuff from yer box.”
“Oh, thank you,” he nodded, looking up at her with tired eyes that still conveyed genuine appreciation.
A precursory glance at the top of his desk quickly revealed that whatever it was he was working on had nothing to do with historical research, grading or geography. “What's all that?”
Sunburst swept a hoof through his frazzled mane. “It's the history department budget.”
“They're makin’ you do that?” she gasped. “Right now?”
“No, I volunteered for it. It's fine. Someone has to do it.”
She looked around the room. “Where's Hat Trick?”
The colt had been all but living in his dad's office while he was out of school.
“He went back to school today.” Sunburst checked his watch. “Oh, I should go. He gets out soon and I can take this all home with me.”
Applebloom frowned. “Don’t take this the wrong way or anything but don't ya have enough goin’ on in yer life right now? What the hell are ya still doin’ here?”
Sunburst blinked at the young mare.
“Most ponies take bereavement leave when they lose someone close to ‘em, especially a spouse. But not only are ya still workin’, yer takin’ on more work than usual and ya seem to be really… worn out.”
He nodded. “I know… I am. All of that is true.”
“When Granny Smith passed, Ah took the full two weeks off even though Ah was just startin’ out here. Why don't ya just take a break and rest fer a while?”
“Because if I'm not working then I'm thinking about everything and I don't want to think about everything.” That was the simplest way he could put it without making it uncomfortable for either of them.
The wrinkles on her forehead deepened with concern and pity. “Ah see.”
Still, her question did raise another point. Hiding in his work was what he found comforting when facing the mental burden of his loss but what about Hat Trick? What was best for him. He was so young and this was such a traumatic time. He needed his remaining parent to be there for him. - - -
Like it or not, Hat Trick was back in his seat at school. His book was open while Miss Cheerilee spoke animatedly at the front of the room but her voice turned to mush in his ears. He looked vacantly down at his textbook but the words melted into a meaningless slurry that dripped off of the desk and into his lap. The whole world just seemed so far away now. He was always a good student but he was going to start falling behind if he couldn't get it together.
At each recess that day he sat motionless on the swing. He had a few muted interactions with his friends but ultimately he couldn't get out of his own head long enough to enjoy anything.
Everyone in his class still had both of their parents. That was all he could think about whenever he saw anyone. When he looked over the host of foals laughing and galloping around him. They didn't know. They couldn't possibly understand what was happening to him. It felt like he was living with a ball and chain around his ankle now. No matter what he did it was always there slowing him down.
When the teacher ended class for the day most students were quick to pack up and leave. A few were slower and chatty but Hat Trick was the most sluggish to get going. Miss Cheerilee approached him semi-privately just as he was putting on his saddlebag.
“It's nice to have you back in class, Hat,” she began. I have all your back work for you but also something else. I didn't want to put you on the spot today but the whole class made you sympathy cards.” she held up a nondescript bag for him. “You can read them at home whenever you're ready.”
“Thank you,” he replied, taking the bag with his magic. He peeked inside while his teacher slipped his schoolwork into the saddlebag on his back.
She put a hoof on his shoulder. “Everyone in your class is very sorry for your loss and we'll all miss your mother and her magic.”
“Yeah,” he breathed.
Hat trick left the schoolhouse to find his father waiting for him outside looking haggard and weary.
“Hey, buddy. Are you okay?” he called to him.
“No,” he grunted.
Sunburst turned to walk with him and took a deep breath. “Me either,” he admitted.
“Is grandma here yet?”
“No, Something happened and her train was delayed.”
Stellar Flare had been unreachable on a singles cruise until just recently. However she changed her plans as soon as she heard what had happened to Trixie.
“Miss Cheerilee gave me my back work and…” He tried to think of the word. “Sympathy cards.”
“Oh, from your classmates? That's really nice. I'd like to see those too… at some point.” He was doubtful he could emotionally handle looking at children's drawings of his wife this very moment. “Hey, want to go to Sugar Cube Corner?”
Hat’s expression remained unchanged by the suggestion. “I- I don't feel good,” he muttered absently.
“Are you sick?”
“I don't know…”
Sunburst deflated. “We can go some other day maybe.”
The two walked home together avoiding directly talking about what was really on their minds. The foals in Hats class drew him many pictures with simple messages. They were recounting magic shows they've seen his mother perform including when she came to their own class. Clearly Cheerilee had given them direction and cleared their ideas first. It was difficult for Hat not to cry while looking through them.
He sat on the couch for most of the afternoon trying to read for escapism. Although he read at an early high school level the words wouldn't penetrate his brain today. He found himself reading the same page over and over, absorbing nothing.
At the end of dinner he sat alone at the table lethargically slurping up the last of his noodles. They'd had this same meal now for five of the last six days. Even without the added weight of helping orchestrate a funeral, his emotionally drained father wouldn't find the mental capacity to handle anything else right now.
“We can go to the train station in about an hour to meet grandma. But in the meantime, need any help with your back work?” asked Sunburst as he cleared the ramen wrappers from the kitchen counter.
Hat Trick had been out of school for bereavement for a full week. Sunburst agreed that it was the right move because of the state he was in but he was also beginning to worry about all the work he was accumulating.
“I don't know,” mumbled the colt, swirling his broth. “I don't want to do that right now.”
“I know but can we at least take a look at it after you're done?”
Sunburst flipped up the lid of the trash can to throw the wrappers away and saw that the can was already stuffed full with what amounted to a pile of magic trick paraphernalia. There were books, playing cards. metal rings, a kerchief and even the box of illusions. He sifted through the top layer in dismay and found his son’s hat and cape underneath.
“Hat, did you throw away all your magic stuff?” gasped Sunburst.
“Yeah,” he breathed flatly without even looking at him.
“Why?”
“Because I don't want to do magic stuff anymore.”
Sunburst's heart sank. “Well… maybe that's how you feel right now but you shouldn't just throw it all away like that though; it would make your mother sad. I know it hurts at the moment but-”
Hat Trick leapt from his chair to the floor. “I don't like magic anymore," he snapped, fleeing the room.
Sunburst froze in disbelief for a moment before daring to look into the trash again. His heart began to race. The sight put a knot in his stomach like he was going to be sick. He couldn't just let him do this. He would regret it later, he told himself. They'd both feel differently about all of this in the future, he told himself. He began salvaging items out of the trash and putting them on the counter mixed with bits and pieces of actual trash. His chest was tight. The dam inside him was crumbling, everything was breaking. He'd lost control.
Sunburst had to stop when he realized how fast he was breathing. It felt like he was suffocating. He closed his eyes and laid his head on the cold tile counter as he tried to slow his lungs and stem the anxiety attack.
“We're going to get better,” he whispered listlessly to himself. it's not going to be like this forever; we'll be okay.” Those were the truisms he would bestow upon someone else reaching out to him in his situation but looking up from the dark hole he was in right now the words were impossible to believe. - - -
Sunburst sat down in the front pew of the little memorial chapel. He could no longer escape it. This was really happening. His wife's death wasn't some abstract thing he could look away from. It had been made real as dozens of friends and family showed up to mourn beside him. Her body was in the casket up front beneath a big photo of her and a wreath of flowers.
Princess Twilight Sparkle gave the eulogy, one time foil for Trixie turned inner circle of friends. The irony wasn't lost on Sunburst and suddenly he found himself thinking about another mare he hadn't seen or heard from in years. Despite the bad terms they parted on, her absence at the funeral left a profound ache inside him. A tragedy on top of another tragedy. He didn't know what had happened to her but he had come to assume the worst. Could she still be out there? Was she still angry? She must have been or surely he would have heard from her in all this time. She was still angry or dead... Had she heard the news, he wondered. How could everything have ended like this? He buried his face in his hooves trying to stop himself from spiraling.
Hat Trick sat next to his dad but buried his head in Stellar Flare's side for the majority of the service. Firelight sat alone just across the aisle. Maud and Mud Briar sat behind him. For once their expressions were appropriate to the venue. Rarity sang a song and the pews cleared leaving just the close family.
“Come on,” said Sunburst, beckoning him up to the front.
“What are we doing?" asked Hat Trick, tentatively following him.
“We're going to say goodbye to mommy,” murmured his father. “Everyone who wants to gets to say goodbye.”
“She can't hear us anymore though. Are they going to bury her in her ground after this?”
His grandma appeared at his side in reassurance. “Yes,” answered Stellar, stroking his mane. “That's why we're saying goodbye.”
“Is she really in there? In that box?”
“Yeah,” nodded his father.
A new expression took over his face, something like renewed sorrow mixed with panic.
Sunburst placed his hooves atop the coffin and looked up at her picture. It wasn't the image people were used to seeing in her promotional materials, she was smiling without her hat and cape. It was meant to be a profile of her as a mare not as an entertainer or an on stage persona. Tears came to his eyes as the thought of carrying on without her cut him to the bone.
“We love you and we really miss you but don't worry we'll be okay.”
His voice cracked and he turned away and wiped his cheeks and his nose. He put a hoof on his son's back. “You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.”
The lid of the coffin creaked apart from Hat Trick’s magic. Sunburst quickly braced it shut with both hooves.
“What are you doing, Hat?”
“I want to see mom.”
Sunburst shook his head. “I don't think you do buddy. She looks really bad.”
“I don't care. I haven't seen her in a month. I'm never going to see her again! Please,” he begged, scratching his hooves urgently on his father's side.
Sunburst swallowed with trepidation. Did he really mean that or was he just overcome with loss and the finality of this last moment before burial? He didn't want his little son to see his mother like that, to make his final memory of her this one but at the same time he wasn't sure if Hat Trick would understand or ever forgive him if he didn’t grant this last simple request.
Sunburst looked down at him. “Okay, you can look but you just close your eyes when you're done, Hat.”
Stellar bit her lip but said nothing as her son turned back to the casket and lifted up the lid slowly with his hoof. Hat Trick reared up against it and peered inside breathlessly. The form which laid within the padded coffin was blackened, unrecognizable, no mane. He saw teeth though. That wasn’t her; it couldn't be her.
Hat Trick’s eyes grew wider before he clenched them shut in horror and turned away. “I'm done! I'm done! I'm done,” he wailed before his voice devolved into uncontrollable sobbing. He laid out on the floor covering his head like he was hiding under the covers from a monster.
Sunburst quickly shut the coffin lid and joined his mother in comforting him. He immediately regretted subjecting his son to this. It didn't feel like closure, it just felt like more needless trauma.
“I’m so sorry, Hat Trick,” he quivered. “Come on, let's go outside.”
Photos from an Alternate Dimension
Birdsong twittered from the trees as Starlight ambled helplessly around Ponyville Cemetery in the throes of alcohol withdrawal. The substance was so ubiquitous and normalized in her boat life that she didn't even realize she'd developed a serious dependency. Though the revelation didn't surprise her much.
She paused at the base of a tree and hung her head while she took deep breaths. “Not gonna puke on a grave,” she breathed. “Do not need to be cursed by a ghost on top of everything else.”
She felt sick but she would absolutely kill an entire decanter of brandy if it by chance fell out of the sky and she was not a brandy girl. If she could last the rest of the day, maybe tomorrow she'd probably be over the hump but right now she was struggling. Now that she realized it, maybe it would have been best to just lock herself in a hotel room for a couple of days instead of going straight to the cemetery.
Whatever. She was here now. She would see it through like she did all of her bad decisions. The wave of nausea passed and she kept wandering. It was supposed to be in this quadrant. She understood that much but she feared she was getting further away. She stopped in the shade of the next tree and looked around in all directions. There was one heavily decorated grave nearby that looked like it was still fresh in everyone's memory.
Starlight trotted over to stand beside a new smooth granite monolith standing atop pristine green sod. It was larger than some markers but seemed incongruously humble even while surrounded by flowers and keepsakes. The sandblasted letters read Trixie Lulamoon: beloved wife, mother and entertainer. Above them was the magician's unmistakable cutie mark.
Starlight scratched her head. Yep, that was her. Wife and mother… It sounded so bizarre. She never knew her as either of those things. What else was different now? Who else died or procreated? Anything could have happened while she was gone.
Standing there she felt a profound sense of cold finality but also murkiness. Well, now what she wondered. She'd come all this way just to see this? What was she expecting? She craved peace of mind and reconciliation but she was gone and buried. This probably would have worked a lot better had she come back a year ago but it took Trixie's death to finally cut through her stubbornness.
Everything about this journey had felt strange since the moment she stepped off of Luna's Fury back in Sentinel. This was certainly a moment worthy of capping such an odd trip. Seeing the actual grave was helpful to the process and Trixie being gone already made things a lot less awkward but that meant that reconciliation had to come completely from within Starlight somehow.
A strange thought occurred to her: what if this was all some elaborate prank, like part of her world tour, a sort of vanishing act and then she would come back after everyone thought she was dead. Trixie just might have the balls to do something like that. The critical part of her brain kicked in and she began to do the math. She died over two weeks ago and was long out of the news cycle. If she was going to come back she had probably missed her moment. How would she even do it anyway? At some event? Her own funeral? That seemed to be in incredibly bad taste. She was probably just actually dead, concluded Starlight.
“Well, look at you now, you stupid bitch,” she sighed. “Flew too close to the sun didn't you…” she rubbed her face as she thought. She wasn't sure how to facilitate reconciliation with a dead mare but this probably wasn't it.
“I like your grave,” she began again. “It looks nice. I certainly won't be getting anything like this… I kind of resent you for that actually.” She furrowed her brow. “I don't even have one fan let alone however many you have but it doesn't do you any good now does it?”
“Starlight?” came a voice behind her.
Her blood froze. “Oh, shit!” She whirled around to see none other than the stallion she'd been avoiding for so many years. Her mouth dropped open, suddenly stricken mute. Her eyes flicked down at his side where a timid colt stood levitating a wild flower he'd picked in idle. Trixie's progeny. They'd come here to pay respects.
“I can't believe it's you,” gasped Sunburst, taking a step forward. I thought you must have been dead.” For a moment he forgot everything that had happened between them and stretched out a hoof to embrace her but she shrank back in reactive uncertainty.
He put his hoof back down, embarrassed “Sorry… I'm so glad you're okay. You really came back.”
One hour in Ponyville and she'd been busted already. Starlight had dreaded having a moment like this. She knew it was a possibility, maybe even inevitable but she had pushed it into the back of her mind saying perhaps she would cross that bridge when she came to it. Or perhaps she'd just flake out and leave without a word. Starlight of course knew going in that Sunburst lived here and if she was in town visiting Trixie's grave wouldn't it make sense to visit him as well? She wouldn't really just travel halfway across the planet to visit her own hometown without talking to anyone there and then leave again like a phantom would she? Fortunately or unfortunately the decision had already made itself.
Starlight smoothed her mane with one hoof as if it could hide her apprehension and the sheen of sweat on her forehead from being cut off from her favorite vices for two days.
“Hi,” she breathed, looking at Sunburst first and then to the pale colt. “I- I'm not back,” said something in her throat that sounded like a rusty door hinge. “What I mean is I came here to say goodbye or something… since I didn't do a very good job last time.”
Sunburst expression softened. “Oh… Of course. I didn't mean- Uh, Starlight, this is my son, Hat Trick.” He blindly sat a hoof on the colt’s back. “Hat, this is Starlight Glimmer. She's a friend from a really long time ago. You've heard us talk about her before.”
Great , she thought. Those must have been some interesting anecdotes. She smiled tentatively at the boy as they exchanged tepid greetings. Then she watched as he placed the flower on his mother's grave, the one she'd just been arguing with.
“I'm sorry for your loss,” murmured Starlight. The words were sincere, she thought but they left a hypocritical taste in her mouth.
“Thank you. So what are your plans today?”
“My schedule is… open ,” she quipped dryly. - - -
It was with no small amount of trepidation that Starlight found herself sitting in a booth in Sugar Cube Corner. She shrank down in her seat casting nervous glances this way and that. She'd ceded control of the situation by trying to be nice, or at least not insufferable. The worker at the counter was thankfully unfamiliar to her but anyone she used to know could still just pop right in through the front door.
She sat in front of a big cinnamon roll, the only treat she could find in the establishment that didn't make her stomach shrivel to look at right now. Hat sat in the bench across the table from her looking almost as apprehensive about things as she felt. Even so, his familiar features were captivating to her, particularly his resemblance to Trixie but she tried not to stare. In some sense it was like she was still here… judging her and wishing she'd leave.
“So where have you been all this time?” hazarded Sunburst digging into his ice cream.
“I've been lots of places all this time, she shrugged. “Everything between Griffonstone and Saddle Arabia… at least on the coasts. At first I just wandered around doing jobs here and there. I kept going until I reached the ocean. Then I started working on ships and that's really what I've been doing the past six years almost. I've been working on a pretty big salvage ship for the last three years. We travel all around pulling up sunken ships and lost cargo.”
“Wow,” he marveled. “Sounds interesting but I never would have pictured you doing that. No scholastics or research. Do you enjoy it though?”
She stabbed her roll with a fork like she needed to kill it first. “I… Some parts are okay. It wasn't really a matter of liking it. It was more of a matter of could I survive doing it alone and in that regard it's been pretty stable. It's definitely been a life experience.” Her brain suddenly returned to the axiom that her life was really many different lives.
Starlight turned away and wiped the sweat from her forehead with a shaking hoof. “What about you?” she asked.
“I've been teaching history at the School of Friendship for seven years now.”
“Wow, that's a big change,” she breathed. Unlike what she did, his move made a lot more sense.
“Yeah, Trixie had actually been working there even longer as the part time guidance counselor after you left. She was… going to retire from doing big shows and finally settle in full time.”
Wonderful , thought Starlight. She stole my friend and my job.
She turned to Hat Trick, determined to break the silence between them that was starting to grate on her. “So, what grade are you in, Hat Trick?”
Starlight had never really been around kids before. The closest she had come was being the counselor at the School of Friendship but they were all teens there. She was unsure of herself around the much younger colt.
He left his spoon in his ice cream bowl and glanced at his dad before answering. “Second grade.”
Her eyebrows went up lazily. “Your teacher's not Miss Cheerilee, is it?”
“Yeah… How did you know?”
“I used to live here; I guess some things haven't changed. So what do you like to do for fun?”
He shrugged apathetically. “I don't know.”
Sunburst's face fell. His son would have had an emphatic answer for that question a month ago. He would have already jumped on this opportunity to show her some kind of magic trick. It was like he was a completely different pony now.
Starlight screwed up her face in bewilderment. That was an answer she never expected to hear from anyone. “Huh… I would just assume from your name and genetic stock that you'd be interested in-”
“Hey, Hat, are you going to finish your ice cream?” interrupted Sunburst, hoping to diffuse a potential exchange where he reaffirmed his dislike of performance magic right in front of Starlight.
“I'm done," he sighed.
He never would have passed on ice cream before but it seemed he wasn't really able to enjoy much of anything right now regardless of what he used to love. Sunburst took a few joyless bites of his son's melting leftovers while the conversation petered out. Starlight turned her attention back to her frosted cinnamon roll that she'd been too anxious to tend to.
It was late afternoon when they finished. The three of them went outside and walked along the river trail in the yellow glow of the low-hanging sun. Although she was still apprehensive about everything, Starlight found the new venue to be much more relaxing than the sweets shop just because it felt like it was easier to avoid other ponies.
“You just missed my mom,” Sunburst told her as they strode along a thick patch of bulrush. “She left a couple of days ago. I saw your dad at the funeral too.”
Starlight laughed weakly. “How's he doing?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“You talk to him? What did he say?”
“He said he still didn't know where you were or what had happened to you. I told him the same. I guess you could say we commiserated.”
“That's what funerals are for,” she replied dismissively. Starlight watched Hat curiously as he twisted a cattail around and around with his magic but he was having trouble breaking the stem.
“Does he really not know what he likes to do for fun?” she murmured.
Sunburst helped him break the plant so he he could take it.
“I don't think he thinks anything will ever be fun again. The only thing I've seen him do lately is read but I don't think he actually finds it enjoyable anymore either. He just wants an escape. He loves magic like his mother or at least he used to . Now he says he doesn't want to do tricks ever again.”
“I'm sure he doesn't really mean that,” she replied.
“I hope not. It would kill me. One of these days he's going to get his cutie mark too and I can't imagine it won't be magic related.”
“It could be academic magic like you or me though, instead of performance,” she posed. “Or maybe his name is a different kind of ‘hat trick’ and he's supposed to be a hoofball quarterback.”
Sunburst pushed up his glasses. “I think I would need to take a paternity test if that happened.”
In spite of everything Starlight almost smiled. “Yeah you would,” she muttered.
Hat trick twisted the brown pod of the cattail as he walked along, trying to break open the fluffy seeds. It was difficult and they came out in little chunks instead of exploding into big puffy clouds. It was still too early in the season. He sighed and hurled the plant into the river. Then he leaned his body against a cement pillar beneath an overhead bridge. Sunburst frowned. even just a tiny moment of intrigue like that had fizzled out for him.
Starlight paused for a moment as her forelegs trembled involuntarily beneath her.
“Are you okay?” asked Sunburst looking back at her.
Had he finally noticed her condition or was he just worried about her in general? Either way it was valid but also upsetting.
“Why are you asking me that?” She snapped defensively. “You’re the one who just lost your wife. I'm- I'm fine.”
The expression on his face told her she wasn't too convincing. They kept walking until they caught up with Hat Trick beneath the bridge.
“I want to go home,” the colt informed bluntly.
“Okay,” agreed Sunburst. He turned to Starlight. “Care to stay for dinner?” he asked her timidly.
Her head throbbed in protest. “Sure.”
What the hell was she supposed to say? No, sorry, I actually had plans to take some aspirin and inhale a can of spray cheese alone in a shady hotel room while I try to detox.
Hat looked back at her and let out a frustrated sigh that immediately deepened Starlight’s unease.
The three of them journeyed back to Sunburst's house. It was a nice, single story, three bedroom, two bath abode. Nothing extravagant but it was the nicest place Starlight had been to in quite a while. All around were traces of the mare who would never be coming home. She wandered around cautiously looking at photos that seemed to be from an alternate dimension. The wedding she hadn't attended or even heard about. Hat Trick as a newborn with his parents. Outings with Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
This was the life I was supposed to have she thought to herself. She looked away before she could begin to imagine herself in any of the photos.
Meals in the house had had a bit more variety since Stellar Flare had stayed with them and cooked for everyone but Sunburst made a point not to serve his traditional depression ramen for company.
“Your house is very nice," she remarked absently. She suddenly wondered what happened to her own house, the one she just abandoned and all the things in it. At least they hadn't moved into it. That would have been too much.
“Thank you,” replied Sunburst from the kitchen. “It's been getting messier every day since… well… My mom did help us pick up.”
Starlight hadn't even noticed. She'd reached the point where if a room had windows and a bookshelf, it was nice .
Hat Trick had disappeared into his room for the cooking portion of the night. He was deeply depressed but she wondered if it was also her presence that upset him.
“Can I offer you a drink? Sunburst called from the open door.
She swallowed. He was talking about alcohol. Her head began to swim as if having a pavlovian response. “Water, please," she replied weakly. “Just water. I'll just get it myself if you tell me where the cups are.”
Sunburst furrowed his brow curiously at her uncharacteristically temperate response. “Glasses are in the cabinet over the sink,” he cocked his head and then turned around returning to the stove as it began to sizzle.
Starlight drifted into the galley style kitchen and over to the specified cabinet. She helped herself, filling up a glass of water from the sink and immediately chugging it down.
She gasped. “Um… sorry to ask this but do you have some aspirin I could have?”
He eyed her suspiciously as all of her symptoms and odd behaviors began to coalesce in his brain. “You have a headache?”
“Yeah.”
He set down his knife in mid-chop and opened a cabinet near the fridge with his magic. Then he floated a little glass bottle to her.
She shook four pills out in her hoof and took them with another full glass of water.
“Starlight, are you on something?” He whispered. “You can tell me.”
Starlight choked on the last of her water and set the glass down on the counter. “No. What the hell?” she hissed indignantly.
“Sorry. You've just… been acting weird.”
“How do you even know what I act like anymore?” she scoffed. “Is this not a normal way to act when you come back from the edge of civilization to visit your ex friend's grave and then get ambushed by her grieving family?”
She deflated, trying to bleed some of the irritability out of her words. “I'm sorry… I was just kind of hoping maybe I could handle one emotional bombshell at a time on this trip instead of all of them at once.” What a stupid fantasy she thought. She knew it was all knotted together like roots invading a septic system.
“Listen, I've been basically drunk continuously until about two days ago. The issue is that I'm stone cold sober for the first time in like four years. I feel like shit but I'm not going to start drinking again now after making it this far… mostly on accident.”
His eyes softened. “You're going through alcohol withdrawal?”
“Yeah.”
“I'm sorry. You should have said something.”
She threw up her hooves. “When, Sunburst? I don't lead off with that when introducing myself to kids. I was hoping I could get through the day without having to have a conversation about it but no .”
His eyebrows shot up suddenly. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”
“No, I don't think so. Just… make dinner while I lay uselessly on your couch.” she gritted her teeth in indiscriminate frustration as she retreated from the room.
Sunburst added more oil and stirred the vegetables. There was so much weighing on him. So much he needed to say but he wasn't sure if he could right now. He'd been wishing for this singular volatile moment for years. It hadn't come at the best of times but he couldn't let it slip away after everything.
He finished cooking and dished up three plates. That was the number he was used to cooking for. He summoned Hat back from his room and Starlight from the living room and they all assembled around the table like a family. The three of them started eating unceremoniously and the tension began to grow quickly along with the silence.
“You're almost caught up in your back work, Hat,” said Sunburst finally. “That's something worth celebrating.”
“Yeah,” he sighed.
Starlight looked back and forth between the two of them. So was this what domestic family life was like? It was strange, both in the unfamiliar way and the fact that she had essentially hijacked someone else's family and stolen their chair. How the tables had turned. How would Trixie feel about this, she wondered.
“This is still ramen,” mumbled Hat, examining a noodle hanging from the tines of his fork.
“It's stir fry,” clarified his dad. “I used the same noodles but ramen is technically a soup.”
“Oh “
“It took more work, tastes different and looks nicer. Right?”
Hat said nothing.
Starlight kept quiet herself until she had finished. “That was really good,” she concluded. “Thank you. I guess I should go find a hotel for the night,” she suggested.
“Why don't you just stay here while you're in Ponyville?” offered Sunburst. “The spare bedroom is already made up.”
“What?” blurted Hat Trick, rattling the dishes in dismay. “She can't.”
“Hat Trick, she's a friend I haven't seen in-
The colt disappeared abruptly in a burst of magic, leaving behind his lightly picked over meal.
“Hat Trick,” called his father knowing he'd stormed off to his room. He turned back to Starlight. "I'm so sorry about this.”
Starlight frowned. “It's fine. I know it's hard right now and I don't want to make things harder. You're both still in the middle of grieving. I shouldn't be dropping in on you like this. I'll just get a hotel somewhere.” She didn't really want to stay anyway. She wasn't prepared for any of this. Her afternoon had gone completely off the rails and she needed somewhere to recover.
“Hold on,” he begged her. “Let me just go talk to him first. I'll be back in a minute. Don't leave ,” he added emphatically.
Sunburst vanished in a flash, apparating into his son's room where all the magic show things were missing from the walls and shelves. He was on his bed curled into a ball, a frown upon his face.
“She’s been here long enough," he mumbled gruffly. “I don't want her to stay here.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know her.”
Sunburst sat on the bed next to him. “Hat, Starlight used to be my best friend. I've known her since I was younger than you and I haven't seen her since before you were born. No one even knew where she was that whole time; I thought she was dead. She used to be good friends with mommy too. You know that. She came all this way here to visit your mother's grave. I still care about her a lot and I think she needs help. I'm afraid if I just let her go that something bad's going to happen to her or maybe she'll disappear again.”
A flurry of bad memories from the last day he saw her arose like sparks from crumbling firewood.
“If she's such a good friend, why did she just disappear for a long time without even saying goodbye?” posed Hat Trick without meeting his gaze.
Sunburst swallowed “Well, that's something I'd have to ask her about.”
“How long does she have to stay here?”
His father shook his head. “I don't know, not forever, maybe a week.”
This was a history that his son wasn't quite ready to hear yet. There was a conversation he desperately needed to have with Starlight but not in front of him. The situation was difficult to explain but Sunburst feared that if he took his eyes off of her she would vanish for good this time.
“If things don't work out she can stay in a hotel,” he promised. “But we're just going to try it this way for now, okay?”
“Fine,” he grunted.
Sunburst tousled his mane. “Thanks, buddy. We're going to be okay.”
“You keep saying that.”
“It's true. We are. I love you so much.”
Sunburst returned to the kitchen where Starlight waited anxiously.
“He’ll be fine,” he nodded in a comforting tone. “If you want to stay, go ahead anduse the guest bedroom for as long as you need.” He’d smooth out the details as needed but right now he just wanted them both to settle.
“Are you sure?” she asked skeptically. The last thing she wanted was to put undue strain on a young colt, especially one who was blameless for the way things had turned out.
“Yes, please make yourself at home. The room is just down the hall,” he beckoned her to follow.
She got out of her chair and exhaled.
“That's the bathroom.” He pointed through a doorway as they passed. “And the guest bedroom is right next to it.” He pushed open the door for her with his magic and stood to one side.
Starlight stopped in front of him instead of entering. It was free and it was right here, ready for her. “I think I'm just going to crash in here for the rest of the night and decompress… and struggle,” she conceded. “Can you please hide the alcohol from me though?” she asked softly. “I’m serious.”
“Yeah, of course,” he answered.
“And can you not tell anyone that I’m here in Ponyville? I can’t handle any more surprises right now.”
“Okay,” he nodded slowly as if he were trying to piece together her reasoning. “I promise. Help yourself to whatever you want from the kitchen. Hat Trick has school tomorrow and I have work. I don't know what your plans are but I'd like for us to stay in contact from now on. If you need anything to help your… struggle, just ask.”
Whether it was from years on the sea or the vestigial embers of her long burning anger, Starlight was finding it painful to express gratitude or even basic politeness. Sunburst was reaching out to her despite her sluggish ambivalence. He was making her do this and she was acquiescing. Therefore she was comfortable leaning on the limits of his patience.
She simply nodded curtly and disappeared inside, closing the door behind her. She flopped face down on the bed, the mattress caressing her curves like nothing she could remember feeling before. She felt like a dirty interloper here. Things were tense and weird between all three of them and it was such an inopportune moment but how could she say no to a fully furnished room and a real bed. The day hadn't gone at all like she'd planned but she made it through without crying or vomiting.
Despite an emotionally exhausting day, Starlight's night was punctuated with numerous uncomfortable awakenings. But with no obligations she was able to stay in bed till almost noon. When she finally did get up she almost felt well rested and her withdrawal symptoms were comparatively a dull ache and a muted thrum in her body.
The house was quiet. She was alone in their home now. It was like a continuation of a weird dream. She left her room and got more pills from the kitchen. It wasn't until after swallowing them that she realized she probably shouldn't be taking them on an empty stomach. She could start the day with lunch and then take a shower; that would feel nice.
Starlight found bread in the bread box and vegetables in the crisper so she made a sandwich. She wandered around the kitchen peeking in drawers and inside of cupboards trying to familiarize herself with everything. She still wasn't sure if she was going to keep staying here or for how long if she did but she at least felt a little more receptive to the idea today.
She happened upon an open bag of potato chips and added a hooful to her plate. Then she sat down at the table with her food and tossed a chip in her mouth. She was about to take a bite of her sandwich when there came a magical burst near the kitchen door.
Sunburst appeared out of thin air. “Hey,” he greeted. “You just get up?”
It was then that she realized she hadn't even looked in the mirror yeah. “Yeah,” she mumbled before biting into her sandwich. “You get off early or something?
“No, it's my lunch break,” he explained, pulling open the fridge door. “How are you doing today?”
She tried to swallow before speaking. “Not amazing but I feel more like a pony than I did yesterday.” Maybe even a tiny bit easier to deal with, she thought.
Sunburst began to forage through the shelves. Starlight began to think about the school he worked at and how it used to be the school she worked at. She thought about her old office sitting unoccupied now which inevitably led her to think about her final night in Ponyville just before what would have been her last Hearth's Warming there. She bought them both presents and then never gave them to them.
“So who's the counselor at the school now?" she asked brazenly.
He glanced at her over his shoulder. “Uh… Fluttershy fills in when she can but she doesn't really have time… I guess Trixie didn't really either. The position has honestly been in flux ever since you left.” His marital loyalties stopped him short of mentioning how the office was lacking of Starlight's dedication.
Sunburst assembled his meal and then settled uncomfortably across the table from her. Right now was a time that they could talk about anything they wanted or anything they dreaded.
She watched him as he rubbed his ear and she knew something important was coming… Or maybe not, she thought as he began eating his reheated stir fry. Despite his silence it was clear that he wanted to say something but couldn't.
“I almost died that night,” she began casually.
His eyes flicked up at her in surprise. “Huh?”
“When I left my office at the school and never came back… I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad about it but it's true. I just started walking out into the snow without a second thought and didn't look back. Alcohol and below freezing temperatures are a deadly combination; you can't actually feel how cold you really are. I spent the night in a cave shivering.”
For a moment he was at a loss for what to say to that. “I'm sorry.”
She shrugged apathetically. “You don't need to be sorry, it was me that did it to myself.”
Sunburst put down his fork signifying his full participation in what was coming. “Why did you just leave like that without saying anything, without even leaving a letter?”
“Because I had reached my limit.”
Horrific memories assaulted her mind of flames crawling up the wall of her office and nearly forcing herself on a student. It was disgusting and shocking. She wished that someone else had done that instead, some other mare pushed to the edge that she'd seen on the cover of a tabloid while checking out at the supermarket but no.
“I’d just been rejected by my two best friends. I was livid and drunk and volatile and destructive. But even through all of that I still realized that I was an unpredictable threat to those that might not deserve it and the real me that lives caged inside was simply incompatible with that kind of world… life in Ponyville.”
She shook her head mournfully. “I could never just go back to my life and get over what you two did to me so I thought it would be best for everyone if I removed myself from the situation before something really bad happened. If I could limit the damage to just hurting myself then that's probably the best outcome I could have hoped for.
“The real you is the you you're fighting to be,” he retorted. “That's what character is. You're not incompatible with Ponyville and that decision didn't just hurt you. The kids, co-workers, me, Maude, even Trixie were devastated when you just disappeared.”
“Bullshit,” she growled.
“It's true. Ponies were looking for you. No one knew if something bad had happened to you. No one but me anyway. My best guess was that you had disappeared voluntarily as shocking as it was but that didn't mean I knew what had really happened to you. You could have reached out to me over all those years but you never did.”
Starlight pressed her hoof to her chest vehemently. “Because even over all those years I was still angry. My long awaited advances may have been a little childish in retrospect. I realize now that you're not just some lizard living in a terrarium that I can pluck out at my leisure. You're your own pony but so am I.”
“I would have gladly opened an angry letter just to find out that you were alive and okay.”
She would be lying if she said it didn't feel gratifying to know that she had hurt them with her absence, skeptical though she was about the portrayal. You can't hurt someone who doesn't care.
“Sending you a letter would have been no consolation to me though,” she fumed. “For what it's worth, I didn't even tell my own dad, if you recall. You were the only stallion I ever wanted to be with like that but you picked my friend who you’d just barely met. I'm sorry if I couldn't find it in me to stick around as a two-way third wheel to that.”
“I- I understand, Starlight. I made a decision that still hurts me to think about to this day but it's not one that I can possibly regret. Falling in love with Trixie was new and exciting and genuine. I'd never felt a mutual attraction like that before. How could I just throw that away so suddenly? But you're still right. Looking back from where I am now I could never take that decision back if I somehow had the chance but at the same time, being almost ten years wiser, I can clearly see that I made the wrong choice when I threw away all the years we had.”
It felt like a betrayal of his son and late wife to finally say it out loud but it was exactly how he felt. Starlight's expression softened to one of somber surprise.
“Even if it wasn't until later that I knew how you felt,” he continued. “It was foolish to choose novelty over a relationship that had already stood the test of time.”
Starlight hung her head as tears quickly came to her eyes. They rolled down her cheeks, hot and thick, dripping along the underside of her muzzle and pattering on the table. That was all she wanted to hear.
She had cried over these events before but never was it as cathartic as this. It was like finally pulling up a weed by the roots that had kept growing back over and over since she slammed the door in his face so many years ago. A kink in a hose that had been building pressure every moment it was denied resolution. She wiped her eyes with her foreleg as she tried to fight it back.
“I've had this conversation with you a thousand times in my head while shoveling coal or trying to fall asleep during a storm or looking up at the stars at night. I say all kinds of things to you but you know what my thoughts always inevitably circle back to? I'm getting what I deserve. I've done so many awful things so how could I possibly atone for them? I don't deserve anything nice, least of all love or companionship. Doesn't it just make sense that my friends would ultimately kick me to the curb like that?”
Sunburst returned a pained expression. Her breath hitched and she began to sob, her chest heaving painfully. He left his chair and went over to her, placing a tentative hoof on her shoulder, unsure of how she would react. Instead of recoiling from his touch she turned to him and wrapped her forelegs around his neck to pull him in tight as if he would escape her. She curled into his withers and cried as he adjusted his grip to match hers.
The two had been waiting so long to have this. They'd fantasized about reuniting and finally shutting this open wound but this time it was real, they were really here holding each other without reservation.
Sunburst absorbed all of her tears and when she finally released him she saw that he was crying too. He lifted his glasses to wipe his eyes underneath.
“Even though I was angry I still missed you," she admitted with a sniff.
“I believe you but I kind of get the feeling that you weren't actually planning on visiting me while you were here, were you?”
Starlight inhaled shakily. “I honestly don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead. I knew that I probably should but I think I was just going to wait and see if the courage, the gall or whatever you want to call it, would manifest inside me.”
“That's okay… Are we still friends though?” he asked.
“Yeah... If you still want to be.”
“I do.”
“Don't ever do that to me again.”
“I won't,” he breathed, not sure exactly what she meant by it.
Sunburst sat back down in his seat. This moment was like the end of a breath he'd been holding since the day he lost her from his life. The two went back to eating their lunches together like everything was normal.
“I'll continue to keep your secret but you should probably tell your dad you're alive," suggested Sunburst.
“In time,” she sighed. She placed a hoof on her own neck where the dampness of his tears lingered in her fur.
“I’ll tell him but I need to go at my own pace. I have other issues also weighing on me right now. I don't really have a home anymore because my home was a boat that I left behind and it's sailed onward without me. Most of my money is tied up in a bank that doesn't even have a branch in town. As usual I didn't really think things through too much when I left.”
“Well, your old job is open,” quipped Sunburst darkly.
Starlight laughed weakly. “I don't think I would rehire me if I were them. Not if they knew the full story of my departure anyway.”
“You know, the fact that you upended your whole life to come all the way out here to visit a grave says a lot about you as a pony.”
Starlight screwed up her face, remembering that chance meeting yesterday that had changed everything. The irony of the situation was that back then she had spent such a long time making herself presentable and perfect before finally inviting Sunburst to visit her in Ponyville. Then at their next meeting he just happened upon her strung out in a cemetery.
“My life never really stopped being upended since you last saw me.”
The length and weightiness of Starlight's grudge for so long made it seem like something insurmountable that could never be eclipsed. Yet in just the span of a lunch break conversation she felt immeasurably better.
Sunburst went back to work. Starlight took a shower using whatever products she found in the guest bathroom. Then she carefully considered going into town for incidentals. She stole a coat from Sunburst's closet to cover her cutie mark and threw on a pair of sunglasses before stepping out to get her own toothbrush and toothpaste and maybe a hair brush. She averted her eyes as she passed the liquor aisle in the grocery store. It wasn't until she was in line for checkout that it came to her attention that she should give herself more credit for her mental fortitude and overcoming her dependency… at least for now.
How long should she abstain like this she wondered. At least a month to really get it out of her system. But then if she started again couldn't she just fall right back in. Was it a real addiction or was it just a bad mix of proximity and depression that had cultivated the habit. A long time ago she used to drink normally; she liked drinking but not what she became when she was drunk. Sometimes she just didn't have an off switch. Was it worth it?
Starlight spent a little bit of time lurking around town just to see what she still recognized and what she didn't but she spent most of her day hiding and recovering in Sunburst's house.
Sunburst came home with his son after school. Hat regarded Starlight with cold eyes as he removed his saddlebag at the table even while she smiled and greeted him.
“Hey, what's this?" asked his dad, floating a school paper in front of his face.
“There's a kite making contest at school,” he grumbled dismissively. “We all have to do it.”
Genuine intrigue sparked in Starlight's eyes. “Oh that's cool," she began. “I love kites. You might say it's a hobby of mine. I actually got to fly them a lot on the boats I was working on because there was always wind. I made them out of all sorts of things. You can ask me anything if you need.”
Without acknowledgment, Hat abruptly vanished from the room in a flash of magic.
Her face fell. “Or not…” She turned to Sunburst worriedly. “I… I didn't come off as too jolly did I?”
“No. Try not to take it personally,” he began softly. “He’s never been like this before.”
“It's okay, he's entitled to have a hard time for a while. I'm sure in time I'll see the real him.” Her eyes suddenly landed on the ad she’d set on the table, the one she'd picked up while she was in town. “Oh, you probably already saw this but I picked it up for you anyway.” She levitated it over to him.
He caught it in his magic and adjusted his glasses. His eyebrows went up in recollection as he gazed upon the burned yellow page. It was written in Clarendon font and looked printed on a manual printing press. “Oh yeah, the antique fair. I did see this a while back. I completely forgot about it with everything that happened. It's tomorrow. We should all go. Hat actually likes this kind of stuff too; maybe he'll be interested. I know it's not really your thing but-”
“No, I'll come,” she was quick to retort.
“It'll be busy though,” he warned. “Lots of other ponies. Someone you know might recognize you.”
Starlight frowned as she considered this. I can just go out in disguise like I did today maybe or, you know what, it's fine. I'll just take my chances.” Whatever happened she just didn't want to miss out.
The flyer also sparked another thought in Sunburst’s brain. “Thanks for reminding me about this; I'm going to go ask him.” He teleported away to his son's door. “Hey, Hat?” he called, knocking reverently.
“What?” grumbled the sequestered colt.
Sunburst pushed inside to find his son spread-eagle, facedown on the bed. “The antique fair is tomorrow. Do you still want to go?”
He looked up at him and thought for a moment “I guess so,” he sighed.
Sunburst gave a measured nod even as his heart leapt inside. This was the first step back toward normalcy for the colt for all of them.
“Why don't we go look at some old family photos,” he proposed.
“Why?”
“So we can remember some happy memories and mybe feel better.” Or worse he thought without adding aloud. “Have you ever been in the attic?”
“We have an attic?” he blinked.
“Yeah, come on I'll show you.” Sunburst teleported them into the space overhead and suddenly they were in a dingy unfinished area with exposed rafters above their heads. Hat stumbled from the sudden lack of a bed beneath him.
“Sorry,” apologized his father.
A slatted window allowed just enough light inside to make the room traversable without tripping. The modestly sized storage area housed crates of Hearth’s Warming and Nightmare Night decorations as well as a few of Sunburst's antique restoration projects including a broken cuckoo clock and a sewing machine.
Sunburst lit up his horn to give them a better view. “I think it's this one,” he muttered, wandering off to a stack of musty boxes adorned with black marker scribbles.
Hat Trick illuminated his own horn as he scanned over the room in wonder. Weird shadows and strange objects floressed in the hard light.
“It's creepy up here,” he muttered, focusing on a draped sheet that looked roughly pony shaped. His eyes went behind the form where he spied a large purple trunk alone against the wall. It had a familiar star pattern printed on it.
“Hey what's that,” he almost gasped.
Sunburst looked behind to where he was pointing and squinted. Oh that's your mother's chest. She kept all kinds of memorabilia and keepsakes in there.
The colt's eyes became huge. “Can we look inside it?”
Sunburst exhaled as he considered the idea. Looking at pictures was one thing but looking through his wife's personal effects might be a little more than he felt he could handle right now emotionally. But his son sounded genuinely interested and what else would they do with such an item but reminisce with it?
“Yeah, I'll bring it down. We can look through it after the photos but we have to be careful.”
He turned back to the open box. “Yeah, this is it,” he confirmed.
It wasn't long before the three of them were in the living room with the old box and the big sealed trunk. Sunburst and Hat Trick sat side by side on the couch while Starlight spied over their shoulders at the photo album.
“This isn't one from the attic," clarified Sunburst. “This one's always out but it's been a while since we looked at it.” He opened the cover to reveal the first photo ever taken of Hat Trick. “Look. It's you.”
Hat trick craned his neck in to see himself as a newborn on a blanket background squinting in the harsh light of a world he hadn't experienced yet. He looked down at the next one where his parents both held him for the first time in the hospital room where he was born.
Starlight tried not to laugh when she noticed the weary expression on Trixie's face compared to her husband's smile.
The whole album contained dozens of photos of Hat’s first year of life from messy high chair feedings to standing awkwardly on wobbling limbs to being carried bundled up in a little ball on a walk in winter time. Trixie or Sunburst smiled over him as they held him in their lap or levitated him in the air to make him giggle. There was one of Grandma Stellar reading him a story.
It wasn't Starlight's life but seeing all these little moments that were long past did give her a strange sense of lament for having missed out on a lot as if she had just gotten out of prison after a long sentence. Viewing Trixie in this light as a mother was so strange. Was she actually a good parent? The photos made her look that way but she always remembered her as being so wild. Her son missed her a lot which must have been worth something.
Though he seemed hesitant at first, hat-trick stayed engaged and quietly enamored the whole while.
“That one was old but here's a really old one,” said Sunburst, pulling the next album into his lap. He opened the album to find a photo of him and Starlight sitting at a little table and eating pizza together. They couldn't have been much older than Hat Trick at the time.
“Look, that's me and that's Starlight," he said pointing at the filly.
“Oh wow,” gasped Starlight. “Where is that?”
“That's Bright Side’s cute-ceñera,” he explained.
“Oh yeah!”
“Her dad took this and gave it to us,” he added.
Starlight pointed at the next photo. “Hey look, Dragon Pit.” The two foals in the image laid stretched out prostrate on the floor at opposing sides of their favorite game.
Hat Trick’s jaw hung open as he scrutinized the photos. They still had that board game in their closet, he realized. It must have been the same one. That was definitely his dad. He had the same facial marking. He had heard Starlight's name a few times in conversation and in the story of his parents meeting but he'd never had a face to go with it nor had he seen these photos before. Suddenly it wasn't just some abstract idea.
The colt looked at the Dragon Pit picture and then surreptitiously over his shoulder at the mare supposedly in it. It looked just like her but her mane was in pigtails. It was hard enough imagining his dad existing before he was born. It was even more difficult to envision him having a whole life prior to even meeting his mother and that Starlight was a big part of it.
Sunburst continued flipping through, every page a surprise and a surreal flashback to events and places long forgotten. The photos were in no particular order; they jumped back and forth in age. Starlight was in so many of them. Even his grandma was with her in some of them. Grandma knew her too? It was like he'd uncovered a conspiracy.
Whether he liked it or not, a long time ago, way before him and his mom were there, the two of them used to do everything together and they were so happy.
He watched as the page flipped to show a new photo that shook him to his core.
“Aww,” cooed Starlight accidentally.
Before them was an image of Starlight and Sunburst hugging each other amongst the aftermath of Hearth's Warming presents.
Hat was utterly aghast at the sight. He had only ever seen his dad hug three ponies counting himself. Dad only hugged someone if they were very close and special. How was it possible that this interloper was in the same elite circle as mom and grandma when he'd never even met her before?
Sunburst shut the book and glanced at his son. He couldn't tell if seeing the photos made him any more accepting of Starlight. He seemed to be bewildered more than anything.
“Pretty weird,” huh?”
“That was crazy,” murmured Starlight. "I haven't seen any pictures like that in probably over twenty years.”
“There's a bunch more too,” added Sunburst. “But I think we should look in that trunk first?”
“Yeah,” nodded his son softly, still trying to wrap his head around the things he'd seen in the album.
“But just to warn you, there's probably going to be a lot of magic show stuff.”
“Okay…”
Sunburst sighed anxiously as he got up from the couch. Hat Trick beat him to the old trunk through sheer eagerness. The box had travel stickers from all over stuck to every side but no lock. Sunburst unlatched one side while his son did the other.
Starlight again looked on curiously from behind, not wanting to disrupt what seemed like a private family moment.
“Let's be very careful with whatever's in here,” he reminded Hat Trick as he allowed the colt to open the lid with his magic. He had a brief flashback to the last time he let him open a box against his instincts. Hopefully this would prove to be a better experience.
The smell of stale air and mothballs greeted their nostrils as the trunk swung open with a squeak. Inside it was filled to the brim. Items, documents, artwork, books, artifacts, they were crammed into every corner all the way up to the top. They were all placed inside nicely but didn't seem to be organized much at all.
“That's a lot of stuff," mumbled Sunburst scanning his eyes across the surface.
Hat trick grabbed an upright cardboard tube with his magic and looked inside. He shook it until a rolled up paper slipped out the end. Sunburst watched him as he unfurled an old show bill with his wife's name printed large across the top. He noted the date of the event.
“This could be your mother's very first professional promotional ad as a magician,” he mused.
Sunburst looked back in the trunk and pulled out something draped in linen. He unwrapped it to reveal an intricately carved wooden mask.
“That's really cool,” marveled Hat as he moved in closer. “Is that from Zebrica?”
“Definitely,” breathed his father. “One of the tribes in the south you can tell from the elongated ears.” He pointed to the features which appeared to be styled more like horns than ears. “Could be a souvenir or even a gift from a fan during her travels.” He passed it to him.
“Why didn't she have this just out in the house,” asked Hat peering through the eye holes. “We have all kinds of weird stuff.”
“I don't know but if you really like it you can have it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I'll hang it on your wall if you want. Set it on the coffee table.”
Hat Trick loaded the mask to the coffee table and then pulled out a framed photo of none other than his mom and Starlight Glimmer. Trixie wore her stage clothes, her horn glowing with a magical aura showing that she was probably the one taking the photo of the two of them. The background was filled with excited ponies, the audience of a show. The viewpoint appeared to be looking out from the stage just before or just after a performance.
“I remember that,” sighed Starlight looking over his shoulder. “I used to help her with her shows back a long time ago.”
Sunburst looked at the photo before passing it behind him to Starlight. The longer she stared at it the more conflicted she felt. That was such a great time, now immutably the high water mark of their relationship. When she looked back, Hat Trick was unfurling a little black cape lined on the inside with red.
“That was her old cape from when she was maybe your age,” said Sunburst.
Hat Trick set it down for the matching magician's collapsible top hat. It popped open as he rotated it in the air. It was fascinating but he resisted the urge to try it on lest he appear to renege on his magic resolution.
Sunburst shuffled the items on the top layer around just to peek underneath only to reveal more of the same. He was still astounded by the sheer volume of effects crammed into one box. Much of it wasn't even accessible without significant effort.
“There's no way we can casually excavate all of this in an afternoon.” He glanced back at his son. "You like this though? You want to keep going?”
“Yeah,” he nodded emphatically.
They continued carefully digging through, sorting things out as they went, treating it like an archaeological dig at a lost ancient city. Three fat photo albums ate up much of their time
They scrutinized each piece together and Sunburst would expound with whatever insight he had or in some cases his best guess while Starlight would occasionally chime in on anything she recognized. Eventually, as it got later, she offered to make dinner so they could continue.
They got about a third of the way done and had a few piles loosely categorized as artwork and photos, magical paraphernalia from her foalhood, travel memorabilia and documents. Now spread out, the project had taken up a good chunk of the living room.
Meanwhile Starlight cooked in the kitchen. She had been absent from domestic life and polite society for quite a while. Unsure of her skills and memory she decided to lean on a hooful of simple recipes from a cookbook that she ran past Sunburst before moving forward on. When all was said and done, Hat Trick grudgingly enjoyed what she had made for them though he wondered if it was just because it didn't include noodles.
Even though the three of them had already spent the better part of Starlight's first day doing things in town together, going to the antique fair felt inexplicably different somehow, like a step up. Perhaps it was that Sunburst and Starlight were on better terms now but this seemed like something a happy family would do together.
It wasn't until Starlight was standing there at the bustling venue that another issue arose in her mind. Wouldn't it be strange for others to see him with another mare in public so soon after his wife's death. Not that they were actually dating or anything but the optics might be semi-scandalous and he didn't even bring it up. Of course they could date now… if they wanted to… He wasn't married anymore. She had never seriously dated anyone before. She wiped the thought away like fog from a bathroom mirror. It was just not the right time to consider such things. Still, the fact that it wasn't an impossibility anymore proved too provocative to put away.
Despite her concerns about being recognized, Starlight did not go out in disguise after deciding that it would just make things awkward for the family. The outdoor market was set up with dozens of vendors in a rummage sale style. Collectors and traders assembled their wares from straight out of their shops and closets. They sold anything as long as it was old or evoked memories of yesteryear. Some things Sunburst and Starlight recalled from their foalhoods while others were hundreds of years old, beyond antique and crossing over into ancient.
Hat Trick walked slowly down the length of a glass display case. Inside it were little porcelain figurines of ponies and animals meticulously painted and glazed. His father and Starlight looked through the other nearby displays.
“Wow, look at these,” marveled Sunburst, pointing at a trio of little wooden boxes with tarnished brass fixtures. “These have to be some of the oldest cameras in existence.”
Starlight carefully spun one of the little cubes around with her magic looking at each side. The device was starkly lacking in features. “It's just a box with a lens,” she scoffed. “There's not even an eye hole on this thing.”
“Nope. You just had to know, like the exposure time.”
“Could you make it work?”
Probably but I'd have to manufacture my own plates for it and it would be a lot of trial and error I'm sure. And also some mercury poisoning.”
“Maybe it's not worth it,” she groaned.
“Yeah… I love old cameras but as far as old cameras go these are all pretty utilitarian looking. If one was a little more decorative or easier to use and I knew I could take old looking pictures with it, that would be pretty cool. Imagine the world that these were made in. Wouldn't it be amazing to see what they've seen?”
What an absolute dork , she thought. He's the same as ever.
He curiously popped open the back of one of the cameras to look inside. “Hey, this one's still got a plate in it.”
“Oh no, you just ruined Celestia’s hundred year old vacation photos,” she equipped and put on dismay.
Sunburst snorted with laughter. Hat looked over the glass case to see Starlight through the rack laughing along with his dad. Sensing his stare, she turned her gaze toward him. Her smile wilted immediately when she saw his glare and she timidly looked away.
Starlight clammed up as they finished looking through the booth. Maybe I should have just let them come together, she panicked in her mind. I shouldn't be here . But wait, it was my idea.
The three of them left without buying anything and continued down the row looking for their next distraction. Hat Trick maneuvered in between the adults as they walked leaving Starlight to lag behind as she became more self-conscious about how her presence was changing the dynamic. It was starting to feel less like Hat was just generally grumpy about being around a stranger and more like he just didn't like her out of principle.
“Hey, Hat Trick,” called an excited voice out of nowhere.
The three of them looked to see Hat's classmate Big Sugar standing beside the Apple Family booth. Hat trick wandered over to greet him.
“Are ya comin’ to mah party?” asked the Apple colt.
Hat had forgotten about the party but also he'd been hesitant to commit to going because he wasn't feeling up to it. But now with a slightly improved mood and being put on the spot he wanted to say yes but he was kind of ill prepared. They didn't even have a present for him. He hadn't even told his dad about it.
“Uh… yeah,” he nodded compliantly.
“Great! If ya come to the school at noon tomorrow mah dad will pull everyone to the house in the wagon.”
He'd mentioned that before remembered Hat. He liked to brag on how strong his dad was.
Not recognizing the colt by face or name, Starlight stood dumbly in front of the shop lost in her own head as she fretted over her perceived exclusion from the trio. It was only seconds later that she found herself locking eyes with her former coworker and sort of friend, Applejack when the mare appeared at the front of the booth. Her insides recoiled as she recognized her a half second after it dinged for Applejack.
“Starlight Glimmer?” she gasped.
“Uh-oh,” muttered Sunburst pretending not to notice.
Starlight, realizing the jig was up, swooped in close and shushed her.
“Oh… Ah can't believe you're here,” she began quieter. “When did ya get back?”
“I'm not back,” clarified Starlight stubbornly. “I'm visiting because of Trixie.”
“How long have ya been here in Ponyville then?”
“I only got here a couple of days ago. No one else knows I'm here yet so I'd like to keep it that way for now because I don't know what my plans are and I don't really want to cause a big scene over my reappearance.”
“Gotcha… but some ponies think ya died, y’know?” She cocked her head to the side to look past Starlight and saw sunburst amusing himself with the adjacent booth. “And you're hangin’ around Sunburst and his son?”
“Who else would I be visiting? I mean I was going to visit the grave but then we ran into each other and it became a whole thing.”
“Are you okay?” she asked abruptly.
Starlight scratched her head frustratedly at the question that had become the bane of her existence. “I'm better than I was…”
“Well if yer not back then what are ya doin’ with yerself exactly?”
Starlight bit her lip. She hated this question too. “I work on ships now," she answered honestly but the moment the words left her mouth she began to doubt them. Do I really work on ships she questioned inside. Am I really going to go all the way back just to do all the things that I told myself I didn't want to do anymore? For the rest of my life?
Applejack blinked. “Ships? Shoot. Ah never figured ya ta be a seamare.”
“So what are you doing?” Starlight riposted quickly before Applejack could threaten her with a how ya likin’ it?
“Well, let's see… What's changed since ya been gone. Rainbow Dash and me basically run the orchard now. We expanded into citrus fruits. Applebloom moved out but still lives in town. Throwin’ a party for mah nephew. He's gonna be nine and his parents have another little one on the way too. I love where I am at right now.”
“I bet you do,” nodded Starlight. Everyone have this stuff figured out but her.
Applejack lowered her voice even further. “Maybe it's none of mah business but what exactly happened that set ya off like that all those years ago? Y’know, when ya left?”
This was a dangerous question for Starlight to answer. Trixie dies, she reappears suddenly and starts hanging around Sunburst like a vulture on a still warm carcass. It was far too easy to make one and one equal three and she knew exactly how stories like that spread around Ponyville.
Starlight looked over her shoulder and then at Hat Trick, who was still distracted with his own conversation, before she came back to Applejack. “What did Sunburst say happened?”
“Well, Twilight wanted an investigation into yer sudden disappearance but Sunburst, not wantin’ things ta snowball into hysteria, told her you had left ‘cuz ya two had a fight and irreconcilable differences.”
“Yeah… that sounds about right.”
Applejack shrugged in disappointment. “That's it? Ya left yer house and job and everyone ya knew. Musta been a hell of a fight.”
“Yeah… maybe I'll tell you all about it someday but I'm still not ready to share yet.”
“Ah see. Well ya musta reconciled those differences at least a little ta be here together… Ya gonna disappear again after this?”
Starlight sighed. “I want to say no… not entirely anyway… I'm cautiously optimistic about it,” she finally amended.
Applejack eyed Hat Trick as he wandered back to his dad. Well I don't want ta keep ya from yer… outin’. Have fun while yer here.”
“Thanks,” breathed Starlight as she turned away.
“I forgot about Big Sugar’s party," Hat began frustratedly. “It's tomorrow.”
“Did you want to go?” asked his dad.
“Yeah… I just kind of told him I would.”
“Sounds really fun. They always have crazy parties on the farm. I'm sure you’ll have a great time.”
“But we don't have a present,” he worried.
“Well, keep your eyes open. Maybe we'll find something here or if we don't we can just stop somewhere on the way home.” He would move mountains to get his son back on his legs and enjoying life again.
They regrouped and got cinnamon roasted pecans and popcorn from an old timey popcorn cart. Then they ate while they window shopped for books and furniture and bottles until they came to a vendor that excited Hat Trick enough that he ventured on ahead to look inside.
Something sparked in Starlight's brain when she looked at the name of the store: The Cauldron Comics & Collectibles . This must have been what he liked.
Growing up she was never really one for comics. It wasn't until much later when she befriended Spike that she developed an affinity for the medium, borrowing some of his books, taking recommendations and even accompanying him once to a convention when Shining Armor had to pull out of the engagement at the last minute. Now that she thought about it she was kind of surprised not to see the dragon here ogling the wares. Then again this vendor was probably just the inventory of a local store that he already haunted regularly.
Starlight went inside to browse casually but mostly kept tabs on the colt to see what he was doing. There were models and action figures and lunch box tins and other faded merchandise for long forgotten characters. She watched out of the corner of her eye as Hat began flipping through a crate of old comic books wrapped neatly in plastic sleeves.
Starlight sidled up at the box next to him and began rifling through the old pulpy covers. “So you like comics, old ones even.”
Hat only growled in annoyance as he continued browsing.
“That’s surprising because most kids your age are really only interested in the new stuff, aren't they?” she continued undeterred. “What’s your favorite series or superhero?”
He let out a defeated sigh. “Red Doctrine,” he answered without looking at her. “They're not going to have any here. I'm just looking for the dumbest old superhero I can find.”
The name didn't ring a bell with Starlight. It was probably too new for her to know but the activity sounded pretty entertaining.
“That sounds fun. I bet they have some good ones here. So I've been out of the loop for a while, what's popular at your school right-”
Hat Trick vanished in a flash of magic, abandoning his search before she could finish her question.
Starlight sighed heavily as she ran her hoof across the edges of the packaged comics with a little zip . She knew how to make ponies fear her and submit to her authority. She could be a counselor at a school and give others direction and advice for their issues but the intricacies of her own relationships still eluded her. This colt was becoming an enigma for her. If he didn't want to be her friend she couldn't make him. Usually in life that would be acceptable but here it put her in an awkward spot with his father who did wish to be friends with her. His tolerance of her seemed like a minimum requirement if she was to be friends with Sunburst.
Maybe reaching out to him was the wrong way to go and she should be letting him come to her in his own time… if that would ever manifest. But the thought of staying in his house and basically ignoring him also seemed wrong.
Sunburst bought a book and a puzzle box. The three of them left the fair and ate lunch together at a diner where Starlight insisted she pay for her own food. Then she went home leaving the two in town on a mission to find Big Sugar a birthday present for tomorrow. When they came home Hat Trick's attention quickly returned to his mother's old trunk, its dominating presents in the living room impossible to ignore.
“Can we keep looking in the trunk?” he begged his dad.
“Sure,” he agreed. “But let's do some chores first.”
Hat groaned but was compliant with the requirement, taking out the trash cleaning his room and putting away the dishes.
Everyone assembled in the living room much like how they had the day before with Starlight lurking over their shoulders in an even more standoffish fashion. For Hat Trick this activity seemed to possess an air of Hearth's Warming present opening, a little mystery and surprise coming with every item they discovered.
The colt became enamored with a deck of playing cards from the trunk because of the ornate art deco styling it had which he had never seen before.
“Those have to be much older than your mother," concluded Sunburst. Maybe she got them from a parent or someone else when she was very little.”
“Can I have these?” he queried.
“You sure can. Just take care of them. They've already made it this far.” That was the ism he often recited whenever dealing with antiques.
They were getting down to the bottom layer now and the piles in the living room were getting high. Sunburst looked down into the trunk and found what looked like a plain loose envelope standing wedged against the side. He slipped it out with his magic and squinted at it.
“It's a sealed envelope that looks like it has… your name on it, Starlight.”
“What?” gasped Hat Trick in disbelief.
The two looked back at her with shocked expressions. Starlight's eyes widened as the envelope floated in front of her face and she indeed saw her own name written in Trixie's hoofwriting.
What the hell could possibly be in there , her ego demanded. Did she really even want to know?
Starlight gently received the letter with her magic and looked back at them with mouth agape. “What do I do with it?”
“It's yours I guess,” shrugged Sunburst. “She's not here and it's got your name on it.”
Starlight's face tightened as she looked back at the unassuming envelope. She flipped it over and began to wrestle with the flap. It was definitely sealed like it was only meant for her but that was an assumption. Was it really meant for anyone ?
Her morbid curiosity overtook the anxiety in her gut and she ran the nearby letter opener through the top of the envelope with a rip. She opened the tri fold parchment within and began to read the scrawled letter in her head.
Dear Starlight,
I don't expect you'll ever read this for so many reasons. Wherever you are, if you're alive, I hope you are well. But one way or another you're not here and this is the only way I can get this off my back. I miss you and I regret how things ended between us. Looking back on the friendship we had I now realize how rare and valuable it was. It's something I'll probably never see again in my life.
I'm doing well though, I guess. Really well in my career but not as much at home. I married Sunburst but can I tell you something? I love him more than any other stallion but I don't think I was meant to get married and settle down.
Starlight had to read the sentence again just to make sure she'd seen it right. She closed her eyes and inhaled a slow shaky breath as rage boiled inside her. Wasn't meant to get married and settle down? Then what the fuck was the point of blowing up everything between them? Trixie just ruined her supposed friend's dreams on a whim? On a wishy-washy accident? She continued reading, hoping this wasn't all just some cruel joke.
I was so sure that was what I wanted. Isn't that supposed to be normal or something? I guess my own parents didn't think so. I'm responsible for a foal now. Can you believe that? Now I'm torn between my true calling and my son. I want to be there for him in the way I never had but at the same time I can't stay off of the big stage. He's so little but he's growing so fast. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. I've made a lot of costly mistakes but I've also made a lot of promises and if I want to stop hurting ponies then I can't go back on them.
I wish that in the end you and I could have both gotten what we wanted but I guess that's impossible when I can't even figure it out for myself. I'm sorry. Even knowing you can't forgive me, I'm sorry. That's what I'd say to you if you came back.
Your once friend, Trixie.
Starlight lowered the letter and slowly folded it back up. Trixie had said she was sorry but what exactly was she sorry for? She had stopped short of saying that she'd selfishly stolen the life that Starlight wanted, the one she had begged her not to take. Did she not see it that way or could she not bring herself to write those words even in a letter she believed that no one would see? She wasn't sure what to think about this, if it made anything better, worse or just shook up everything inside her again like glass beads in a kaleidoscope.
“What was it?” breathed Sunburst.
Starlight shook her head ruefully. There was no way she could tell him everything his late wife thought about her domestic life. It was a secret Trixie had confided in her or specifically the confines of an envelope hidden in a trunk in an attic. He wasn't supposed to know and neither was Hat but now that she was dead, shouldn't they know? Was it right to tarnish her family's image of her, to inflict more anguish upon them when she could just say nothing?
“She just wrote a personal letter to me because I wasn't around to hear her,” murmured Starlight, as she put the document away. “I guess it was kind of therapeutic for her.”
Starlight left the room to go make dinner again and be alone with her thoughts. She wanted to make herself useful and also because she wanted to win the friendship or at least acceptance of Hat Trick, though she would never admit it. She stewed the whole time over the letter, trying to figure out what to feel other than confused and upset. Her relationship with the deceased was a labyrinth that she inevitably had to walk through alone.
When bedtime came for Hat his dad coaxed him to try sleeping in his own bed with the promise that he would stay there with him until the colt fell asleep.
Sunburst laid down on the edge of Hat's twin sized bed, trying his best not to crowd him. The dim night light projected pale yellow stars on the ceiling.
“How come you were laughing today?” asked the colt softly.
“What?” grunted Sunburst, staring into the creepy new mask he'd hung on the wall.
“With Starlight at the fair”
“Oh, she said something funny.”
“Are you happy then?”
It took Sunburst a moment to realize where he was going with this line of questioning. “I'm still very sad,” he answered earnestly.
“But you were smiling,” he countered.
“You can do both; it's okay to do both.”
“I don't feel like smiling though.”
“I know and that's okay too but someday you will. Everyone feels sadness differently. Everyone gets over sadness differently. When you lose someone I think unfortunately it's common to miss them forever but it doesn't mean you'll never be happy again. Right now I'm very sad that your mom is gone but I'm grateful that I got a friend back. Does that make sense?”
Hat curled tighter into a ball beneath the sheets. “I think so.”
“Try to go to sleep now; you have a birthday party tomorrow.”
Sunburst and a gaggle of other parents waved goodbye to their foals as they rumbled away in the big cart hitched to Big Mac. They'd have a bit of a trip out to the Apple's farm and back into town and the party itself would be at least 3 hours. That gave him an unexpectedly large chunk of time alone with Starlight that he hadn't figured out what to do with yet. It was a rare opportunity so it felt like they should take advantage of it.
Sunburst teleported back home and looked himself over in the entryway mirror, teasing his mane back and forth with one hoof. His eyes affixed to the silver wedding band around his horn. He raised a hoof to caress the little metallic ridge.
Rings were a symbol of promise and loyalty. His wife was gone now, their contract dissolved. The band around his horn was simply a memento now, no longer meaning what it once did. Wasn't it time to remove it? Of course he didn't have to; he could do whatever he wanted. Some continued to wear their rings to show that they were off the market or uninterested in a new romantic relationship but to him it just seemed strange to keep wearing a wedding ring around when he wasn't married.
He twisted it loose with his magic and slipped It off. Then he tumbled it slowly in the air in front of his face as he looked it over, finding small scratches and imperfections. In nine years he had never taken it off, not since Trixie placed it on him at their wedding. He glanced back up at his horn and felt the now naked spot again with one hoof. The surface was strange now. He slid open the bureau drawer and placed the ring inside before shutting it.
Sunburst found Starlight reading lazily at the kitchen table. A sci-fi novel she'd picked off of a bookshelf of mostly historical nonfiction. Sunburst paused in the doorway and scratched his nose uncomfortably. Then he cleared his throat.
“Hat’s going to be gone for a few hours. You want to go do something in town?”
Starlight's ears perked up with intrigue as she paused her reading. This sounded advantageous. Undivided attention, privacy, quality adult company, Why was that prospect so exciting?
“Oh, sure,” she agreed with more gusto than she had intended. She snapped the book shut. “Did you have anything in mind?”
Sunburst leaned on the doorframe. “The birthday party kind of came out of nowhere so I hadn't planned on the day going like this.”
“Well it's lunch time right now. We could go out to eat somewhere,” she proposed.
Starlight grimaced apprehensively as she immediately began to scrutinize her own plan. Going out to eat seemed like such a natural suggestion to make but once again she had forgotten about optics and decorum. Going out to an event with him and his son was one thing but going out with him alone to eat, possibly somewhere nice, was an even more provocative move.
“On second thought, is that really a good idea for us to go out in public right after…” she wasn't sure how to put this elegantly. “You know… everything that's happened?”
Sunburst swallowed nervously as he considered this. “Well it's not like it's a date or anything.”
“Of course not,” laughed Starlight awkwardly, embarrassed at her own presumptuousness. “I’m just saying other ponies might think things and I don't want you to-”
He shrugged. “Two ponies are allowed to just go out and talk over food at a restaurant,” he countered quickly. “You're just here visiting, right? I mean I'm fine with it as long as you don't mind going out in public. I know you're trying to keep a low profile and-”
“It'll be fine probably,” she bluffed. But now that she really thought about it, the two of them had known each other for so many years now and no one had ever known them as being romantically entangled because they weren't ever. So shouldn't it be fine if they were seen together dining? Then again only the ponies who knew both of them would think that…
They'd both essentially laid their cards on the table about their feelings a time or two before and yet in light of all that had happened and transpired between them they had become coy once again, fumbling through their words with uncertainty and second-guessing themselves at every turn. Neither wanted to stymie the fledgling reboot of their relationship… whatever it was.
Starlight quickly bulldozed all of the annoying jumbled thoughts leaping out at her like popcorn in an open fire. “Let's go right now,” she blurted with conviction as she scooted out of her chair. “Just let me go get my satchel first. Be right back.”
Starlight teleported away to her room, grabbed her satchel and checked her reflection in the mirror. She floated her new hair brush through her mane a few times and after about as much sprucing up as she had time and resources for she then teleported back to Sunburst.
“Alright,” she said with a gentle smile.
The stallion teleported them straight to a street corner in downtown Ponyville. Starlight immediately became self-conscious again around so many other ponies but tried to calm herself down as they walked. It looked like the area had developed a lot in her absence.
“Okay, how about this place?” he asked, gesturing to the restaurant coming up on their left. “It's new to you and it's Crystal Region cuisine.”
“Sounds great,” she agreed.
He held the door open for her with his magic and they stepped inside. Lunch time on a weekend meant the restaurant was crowded but their party was small enough to be seated without a wait.
“Any drinks to start out with today?” asked the Crystal Pony waiter.
Sunburst opened his mouth to speak but paused as if he’d forgotten or changed his mind abruptly.
“Just water for me.”
“Me too,” added Starlight. She watched their server disappear into the kitchen. “Wow… we didn't have any Crystal Ponies in Ponyville when I was here,” she whispered. ”Not even at the school.”
“We have at least five enrolled there now,” said Sunburst.
“That's so cool. And you have this restaurant in town. You come here when you miss home?” she asked facetiously.
Sunburst scoffed as he opened up the menu. “I almost forgot I lived there, honestly. I lived in a castle… You ever look back at something you did and feel like it was something from someone else's life?”
“All the time,” she breathed. She had lived in a castle too, for a little bit anyway…
“So do you know what your plans are yet?” he asked, his eyes looking up briefly to meet hers.
The question forced her to consider a concrete time frame for ending her visit that wouldn't be overstaying but also a commitment to returning to what she called home. It would be nice to have a place other than the world she'd been living in but she had to call that idea what it was: a fantasy.
It was nice visiting Sunburst. It was nice visiting Ponyville even as a spy. It was nice being less angry all the time. But things were still complicated. She still harbored the tiniest hope that Hat Trick would warm up to her eventually but for right now it seemed he couldn't stand her and once upon a time she wanted to kill his mother and the mare who became Sunburst's wife. That was something she could never admit to anyone.
“I guess I'll leave Friday and go see my dad on my way back,” she quickly decided.
Sunburst nodded slowly trying to mask his displeasure at the thought of her vanishing from his life again and going so incredibly far away. He closed the menu. “But you'll come back sometimes, won't you?”
She looked at the helpless pleading eyes behind the glasses and felt a painful tug inside her chest. “Yeah, of course,” she murmured.
The server returned with their waters and they both decided that they were ready to order.
There was something eerily familiar about the dynamic of this situation. She couldn't help but recall the dinner date she’d scheduled with him so many winters ago, the one she invited Trixie to and felt like a third wheel at when she'd shown up a little too late. She hadn't known it then but the game was already over for her at that one mistake.
There was then the ensuing string of obligations that kept her hamstrung while Trixie essentially courted him behind the scenes and she could do nothing about it but fume in her office. Now, in a sense, the script had been flipped. She was the one with endless free time trying to spend it with Sunburst. That made Hat Trick the slighted other party vying to get his attention back or something like that. Trapped at a birthday party while his dad went out on a not date with the strange mare who shouldn't be here. But unlike Trixie, Starlight wished to respect the boundaries of others even if Hat Trick and her weren't friends. She wasn't going to pull Sunburst away from him, especially when he needed him most.
“What are your plans?” she countered, before taking a sip of water.
He blinked at her. “Plans?”
“Yeah. Are you going to be making any big life changes now or in the not too distant future?”
Sunburst shook his head. “I don't think so. I think we just both want stability at this point. I love my job. I want to do it for the rest of my life probably. I've always wanted to teach Hat Trick someday when he gets into the School of Friendship. I don't want us to move anywhere. Maybe we'll downsize and get a smaller place but we’ll definitely stay here.”
Starlight looked out the window at the passing ponies on the street. “You're always so down to earth. I don't think having a kid changed you at all.” For that matter it didn't change Trixie either she thought to herself.
Sunburst laughed weakly and scratched his hoof on the table. “So… what did Trixie say in the letter?” he asked as if he had seen right into her brain.
Sirens went off in Starlight's head as her thoughts returned to the contentious letter that she had decidedly hidden away in her room. Don't do this to me she begged with her inner voice. I don't want to lie to you.
Sensing her hesitation he began to backpedal. “You don't have to share everything or anything at all. I was just wondering about the general feeling it gave off. It's just been bothering me.”
It was clear to her that what he really wanted out of the letter was peace of mind knowing that his late wife hadn't foolishly said anything abrasive to her in a private letter while also not suggesting that such a thing might possibly happen.
“It was congenial," she replied. She couldn't even say that it was conciliatory because that might imply that Trixie thought that their marriage was a mistake and perhaps by extension Hat was a mistake. Just a couple of millstones around the neck of a traveling entertainer but that wasn't completely true. She clearly cared for them according to what she'd written in confidence.
“She said she missed me,” continued Starlight. “And she told me that you got married and had a son.”
It was then that she noticed the absence of the ring on his horn. Holy shit , she thought. She quickly looked away, lest he catch her staring at it.
When did he stop wearing his ring she wondered I thought I saw it yesterday. Did he take it off today? For this? Why? She began to dial back her wild flight of ideas. He wasn't married anymore; he didn't need to wear a ring. That was a normal thing to happen but still the timing… Was there some significance to that?
“That sounds nice,” he smiled faintly but it faded quickly. “Ugh,” he grunted in sudden recollection.
“What?”
“I just remembered that I need to clean out the guidance counselor's office at the school," he sighed, propping up his chin on his hoof.
“Seriously? Right now? Why?
“Because I just found out that Twilight is finally going to be seriously looking for a full-time replacement now. There's not a ton of stuff in there but I'm so not looking forward to it. I don't know. I've been holding it together looking through her trunk but cleaning out Trixie's office somehow feels like it'll be even more emotional for me. Looking back is easier than looking forward right now. Time marches on. Ponies get forgotten. I think we all fear entropy.”
“I could do it,” suggested Starlight without much thought.
Sunburst frowned. “No, I don't want to make you do it; it's not your job and I really should be there to go through it.”
“It's fine. I'm staying in your house and eating your food for free and it would be good for me to have a project while you're at work and Hat’s at school. I'll just put everything in boxes, store it somewhere and when you're ready you can go through it at your own pace.”
He cocked an eyebrow at her. “Are you sure you want to go back to the School of Friendship right now? It would be like walking into a lion's den of familiar faces.”
Well now that he brought it up, no, she didn't want to go back right now. It sounded like a potential nightmare. She just suggested it automatically because she wanted to be helpful and the task seemed simple enough. But on the other hoof she wouldn't know any of the students anymore and probably only half of the staff. It was just one room. She didn't have to go out roaming the hallways or anything. It was really only as hazardous as she wanted to make it.
“It'll be fine,” she concluded dismissively. “I'll just be hanging out in my old office for a couple of hours. I probably won't even see anyone.”
Sunburst nodded. “Okay, thank you. That's really helpful. And you know some of the stuff in there might actually be yours now that I think about it.”
“I'll do it tomorrow.”
The two of them ate their meal and went dutch on the bill even as Starlight's funds were beginning to dwindle. She would need to make a trip to Canterlot to make a withdrawal soon.
They stepped out into the street with plenty of childless leisure time left in their day.
“Where should we go now?” mused Sunburst.
Starlight looked down the row of quaint boutiques and small businesses. “I wouldn't mind walking around downtown for a while to see what else has changed.”
The two of them spent the rest of their time walking, talking and looking in store windows. In the end Starlight felt that she had had the moment she deserved with Sunburst when he first came to Ponyville almost a decade ago but what exactly did it mean now? If she squinted at it just for a moment it was almost like those lost years had never happened and things were just how they were supposed to be.
“Oh, we have to go pick up Hat in the square," said Sunburst, looking at his watch.
Starlight exhaled anxiously at the thought of accompanying him. She didn't need to be a tagalong in every moment with his son. It would probably be better if she stayed out of Hat’s way when she could.
“Uh… why don't you go ahead and do that,” she suggested. “I'll catch up with you back at the house.”
Sunburst looked disappointed but thankfully didn't press the issue. “Oh, I forgot other parents will be there too,” he groaned. “It might be weird.”
Starlight had happily made it through their entire outing without being accosted by an old acquaintance and the thought of being seen with Sunburst in a parental moment amongst other parents hadn't crossed her mind but it was a convenient out.
They shared an awkward moment where it seemed like some sort of physical gesture of affection should be instead.
“Well, that was really fun,” concluded Starlight with a tentative smile. “See you later.” She vanished with a burst of magic.
Hat Trick had a reserved expression when he got off of the wagon with his friends but told his dad that he was glad he went to the party which was an overall improvement in his emotional outlook. At home the colt wanted to finish going through the trunk but there wasn't enough time to do all of it before dinner and getting ready for bed. Sunburst still had school work he needed to finish before tomorrow after putting it off to the last minute.
Starlight read by the crackling fire as Sunburst laid down next to Hat Trick to put him to bed. If he didn't fall asleep soon, he'd have to cut out early to finish his work and maybe let him fall asleep on the floor or the couch as they had been doing.
“When is Starlight going to leave?” whispered Hat with his eyes closed.
“She says she's leaving Friday,” breathed Sunburst.
“Is she going to come back again?”
“Do you want her to come back?”
Hat said nothing.
Sunburst anguished in the silence between them as he struggled to find a way to address the sensitive issue that had come between them. “You don't like her very much, do you?”
“No.”
His blunt reply felt like a kick in the chest.
“Why?” he asked. “Isn't she nice to you?”
Hat Trick was quiet for a long time trying to formulate a reason. He couldn't really explain how he felt to his dad; could he even explain it to himself? Originally he hadn't wanted a stranger staying in the house but that wasn't it anymore. It was something else now. She hadn't done anything bad to him. She didn't seem shady or suspicious anymore. She was just somewhere where she wasn't supposed to be and he hated it.
At a loss for an explanation, he fell back on his initial reaction. “She's nice I guess but I don't want anyone here.”
“Are you sure that's it?” asked his dad skeptically.
“Yeah…”
In the morning Sunburst took his son to school and then got coffee at a little coffee shop with Starlight. He teleported her and a ream of flat moving boxes straight to her old office without telling a soul.
Starlight floated her much too hot coffee to the desk. “Looks like she kept it about as organized as I did.”
She exhaled as she spun around in a slow panorama of the cluttered environment. It was so strange to be back here again, back in the room where she'd spiraled horribly out of control. Twilight's large framed portrait was still the undefeated centerpiece of the office.
Sunburst tossed the stack of boxes to the floor and gestured at the bookshelves. “Take all the books and appliances. Just leave all the furnishings like the lamps unless it's something you remember buying but I think it was either already here or bought by the school later. And leave all the files in the filing cabinet obviously. If you have any questions, do you remember where the world history room used to be? Or rather, where it was when you worked here?” he clarified, pushing up his glasses.
Starlight returned a long pause as she tried to walk through the halls of the school virtually in her mind. “Yeah I think so.”
“That's where I am now,” He nodded. “I'll probably be in there. Just make sure to go to my office and not my classroom in case we're in session. Thanks again for doing this.”
“It's really the least I can do,” she shrugged.
Sunburst promptly teleported away to his classroom to start prepping for his day of teaching.
Starlight did a lap around the room for a closer inspection. The air was stale. Everything had a thin layer of dust on it, just enough to take the sheen off. Her eyes fell on a bushy philodendron plant in a little blue pot sitting on a shelf.
“No way,” she gasped. “No fucking way!”
She walked up to it for a closer look. It was Phyllis, her office plant that she had left behind, the last witness to her whereabouts before her disappearance.
She brushed through the leaves with her hoof in disbelief. “She kept you alive... Or at least someone did.” It was hard to believe Trixie would really care or have the time and yet there she was.
“I'm sorry I abandoned you,” she murmured regretfully. “You didn't deserve that. I can't believe you're still here. I can't believe you outlived Trixie. I won't leave you again. I'll take you with me if I have to. She frowned suddenly as she thought about the logistics and the environmental changes the little plant would have to endure. She'd been thriving all this time without her. What if Phyllis resented her for leaving and didn't even want to be with her?
“Maybe here without me is actually the best place for you,” she sighed, patting the plant. “Even though I don't know who your new master will be. I'm happy you're still here though. I'll get you some water later.”
Starlight popped up and assembled several cardboard boxes with packing tape. Then she began to load them with books, the easiest thing to start out with. She emptied the two bookshelves into half a dozen taped up boxes before moving on.
She sat behind the desk, empty boxes ready on the floor to her left and right. The office chair was new, better than the one she had when she worked here. She scanned across the desktop of framed photos and silly little doodads. There was Baby Hat Trick, fairly recent Hat Trick, Sunburst, Twilight. She stopped when she suddenly recognized her own face. The photo was small but it was there, included with the others. Starlight picked it up breathlessly in her aura and floated it closer.
The image showed her with Trixie, both screaming as they plunged down a roller coaster track. The image triggered a memory of when she had gone with Trixie to Las Pegasus once when she was performing there. They got to spend two days together exploring the strip and doing whatever they wanted. It was Starlight's first time as an adult going to real amusement parks or casinos. The trip was so much fun but somehow she had forgotten about it until now. Trixie was sitting in the seat in front of her with her forelegs in the air, mouth open wide. Starlight had her eyes clenched shut in terror and was covering her head having never been on a roller coaster that big before.
She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment as the pleasant reveries swept over her and she tried to remember what their hotel room looked like. There was a big fountain in the lobby. She remembered that. They went to dinner together at a restaurant that rotated at the top of a tall tower so that the view changed continuously. Everything about it seemed like a weird dream now.
Starlight carefully placed the photo in a box, unsure if it should be Sunbursts or hers now. It was her memory of Trixie after all. She gathered up all the other little frames, wrapping some of them in old newspaper to keep them safe.
She cleared off the whole top of the desk and then began to look in the drawers. Shuffling through the first one turned up mostly ordinary office supplies. They didn't really need to go, she decided. There was no reason to make the next councilor start with nothing and reinvent the wheel when they moved in.
The next drawer down had more supplies but also some personal effects. Memorabilia, art pieces, things that perhaps she rotated through the display on the top of her desk or the walls. Starlight pulled out a strip of three little instant photos the two of them took at a photo booth on the same trip to Las Pegasus. They were just making stupid faces like a couple of teenagers at the mall. She laughed. Were they drunk when they did this? She couldn't remember. She should have these, Starlight thought but perhaps she'd ask Sunburst first.
She looked back inside the drawer to find that there was another similar photo strip from a different photo booth. She levitated it out and laid it next to the other one. This one featured three frames of Trixie with Sunburst at an unknown venue. The last one was of the two of them kissing. Seeing the two strips side by side really did encapsulate the war of contrasting feelings in Starlight's head. The photos were paradoxical in nature. They shouldn't be able to exist at the same time and yet here they were in front of her and it made her uncomfortable.
A term popped into her head, a school counselor term, a cult leader term: cognitive dissonance. She wanted to just accept Trixie again and finally move on but she wasn't here to defend herself so Starlight continued comparing old Trixie with old Trixie but was that fair? What about growth? What if she just compared old Trixie with the letter and all of the words in it that old Trixie wouldn't have said? What if she could just treat that letter from the trunk like it was their final conversation together? Then maybe she could say that all three of them had come out of the situation having learned from their mistakes and become better because of it.
There came a magical flash with a crackle that yanked her suddenly out of her thoughts. She looked up over the opposing pair of chairs in surprise. She had expected to see Sunburst but instead found Twilight Sparkle standing before her and levitating a framed painting in the air, a shocked expression on her face.
“S- Starlight?” she gasped.
Starlight groaned and hid her face behind her hoof. “Hi,” she quivered meekly. Her old employer, mentor and enemy. What awful luck. She was not ready for this yet. This was not even listed in her brain as something that might happen to her while in Ponyville. She should have been in Canterlot.
“You're back?” Blurted the astounded alicorn. “What are you doing here?”
Starlight tried to compose herself in her seat with at least a modicum of dignity. “I'm helping Sunburst clear out the counselor’s office.”
Twilight looked around at the packed boxes mystified as ever. “What? How long have you been back?”
“Just a few days. I only came here to visit Trixie because… I heard what happened. Then I ran into Sunburst and… yeah.” She cut her explanation off abruptly. Mentioning the part where she was staying in his house suddenly sounded weird to her.
“What's with the painting?”
Twilight blinked in confusion as if she'd forgotten she was still levitating it.
“Oh,” she laughed. “I just wanted to finally swap out that old portrait on the wall while I'm thinking about it. I just look so stodgy in it, don't you think?” She floated the formal painting of herself from off of its nail and set it on the floor against the wall. Then she floated the new one up and hung it in its place, a painting where the alicorn was looking at the viewer over an open book and smiling genially like she was reading to a bunch of kindergartners.
She turned back to Starlight. “Where have you been all this time?”
Starlight puffed out her cheeks. “Oh… were haven't I been? I don't have a place that I really call home. I've been working on ships mostly for the past several years. Most recently I've been working on a salvage and recovery ship. We actually pulled up part of that exploded airship right before I found out that Trixie had died.”
Twilight grimaced. “That must have been an awful week.”
“Definitely one of the worst.”
“How long are you going to be in town? Obviously I don't live here anymore but I'd love to catch up.”
Starlight rubbed the back of her neck. “I'm leaving Friday. I'm going to go see my dad and tell him I'm alive and what I've doing before I… go back.”
Go back… The words felt like tar in her mouth. The more she said them the less appealing the prospect got.
“You go back to your salvage job?”
She shrugged. “Maybe. They move all around to wherever there's work. I might not be able to connect with them again right away and I'll have to sign on with someone else. I kind of just dropped everything to come out here after I heard.”
“So you're without a home and in between jobs right now?” asked Twilight.
“Technically yes, I suppose,” she replied anxiously.
“Would you ever be interested in having your old job back?”
The question hit her like a runaway train. Starlight's mouth dropped open. “Are you kidding me?”
“Nope.” They shared an awkward silence as Twilight's presumptive smile faltered. “Oh… I thought you were being enthusiastic about it.” Her expression changed to one of puzzled disbelief. “Why not come back?” She argued. “The kids loved you. You were amazing at it. This position needs a full-time counselor who is as committed as you were. I thought you liked doing it.”
“I did like doing it,” admitted Starlight. “But that's not the problem, Twilight. There's something you really need to know… about the night I disappeared. I had a mental breakdown, a big one. For a little bit I didn't care what happened to me or anyone around me.”
“What happened?”
Starlight swallowed. It was long past time to come clean about this. If she had to break the whole story to someone she was actually glad it was Twilight. She and perhaps Applejack were the only ones she knew who could be trusted to be responsible with all the facts.
Starlight swept her main back with one hoof as she braced herself. “Well, I know you probably got a somewhat sanitized version of events from Sunburst but that week when you left me in charge of the school and I invited Sunburst to Ponyville I was planning on confessing my long held feelings for him. Not immediately. I made the mistake of inviting Trixie to our first dinner the day he arrived and the two of them came together before I could ever say anything. I told her to back off because I had plans but she wouldn't and I couldn't stop her. Well… not in any responsible and legal way. I told Sunburst how I felt but it was a little late by that point. He chose Trixie. I'd never felt so betrayed in all my life and it drove me over the edge. The night I left I got really drunk and rampaged through my office. I hated them and I hated me. I couldn't be certain of what I would do so I just left… and the next morning when I was still alive and a little more level-headed I figured well all those bridges are burned now I won't be going back there ever again…
She lowered her head in shame. “I'm really sorry about everything I did but long story short: I don't think someone who can lose it like that should be a guidance counselor at a school. I'd be a liability to you and a danger to young minds.”
Twilight teleported behind the desk to put a hoof on her shoulder. “Are you in a better place now though?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “I've made peace with Sunburst. I'm a lot less angry and I'm not drinking and I want to live. Those are all improvements but I still couldn't reconcile with Trixie and that was because of my stubbornness and… I don't know what to do about that now.”
“Have you been to therapy at all?”
“No but I'm one week sober for what that's worth,” she grinned awkwardly.
“I really want to make this work, Starlight. While I agree that that does look really bad on paper, there's still something to be said about your true character. Bad ponies don't struggle with their issues, they just become them. Your first steps toward wellness are encouraging. If you could keep that commitment to yourself and the ponies around you, I could see you being able to work at the school again in the future and making a positive impact in the lives around you like you did before.”
“I… I haven't even theoretically agreed to do the job though,” she fretted. “I can't just-”
“Don't answer me today,” interrupted Twilight. “Just think about it for a while first. I haven't posted the job yet and I won't until I hear from you first. If you're not ready now I will wait until you are. But regardless of your answer you need to get in with a therapist and a support group.”
Starlight exhaled. She couldn't really argue with that at all.
“Isn't it kind of ironic to be a counselor with so many problems?”
“No.” Answered Twilight. “I think it makes you more effective in the position because it gives you a unique perspective that resonates with other creatures who are also having struggles.”
She'd be rusty for sure but she could jump back in. She could jump back into a lot of things but was any of it a good idea?
Starlight packed up the rest of the room but never told Sunburst about her accidental meeting with Twilight Sparkle or her outrageous proposition that she return as the school counselor. She wondered if Twilight had dropped in on him as well but if she had he kept it to himself so she stayed quiet on the matter. Although she had given Twilight implicit permission to speak to others about her situation at her discretion.
That evening at home Hat Trick resolved to finish off the rest of the trunk. There were only perhaps two dozen articles left inside. There were boring but familially poignant legal documents. Then there was a cool pair of loaded dice in a glass jar. Sunburst had to explain what they were but couldn't explain what exactly Hat's mother had used them for if anything. His best guess, which he didn't vocalize, was that she used to grift on the street corner as a filly.
Laying on the bottom, flat on the naked wood of the box, was another plain looking envelope. Sunburst levitated it into the air and flipped it over to find his own name scrawled upon it in the styling of his late wife.
“It's for me?” he breathed.
Why would Trixie write him a letter, one that she never showed him. He'd gotten letters from her while she was away on tour but why would she write a letter and then not give it to him and then save it in the trunk? Could this possibly have been something for him to find and read later in the event of her death?
Sunburst’s mouth went dry as he shredded the top of the envelope, mind reeling for a comforting explanation for this strange find. He pulled out a pair of papers folded up together. Starlight and hat trick were silent as he read the first page in his head.
The sinking feeling in Starlight's gut began to crescendo. The only explanation she could come up with was that he was getting a matching letter to the one she had read where Trixie spoke candidly about her true feelings.
Hat watched his dad expectantly as his eyes dashed back and forth through each line of the letter. His expression remained stone-faced but getting colder by the moment as if concentrating under a great weight and fearing it would crush him should he falter. He finished the first page and swallowed. Then he peeked but momentarily at the second before abruptly folding them back up and stuffing them back inside of the envelope without a word.
“What was it?” asked Hat with his same insatiable curiosity he’d carried all throughout the experience.
“Your mom just wrote me a letter while she was away,” He replied absently. “I guess she forgot to send it so she just put it in the trunk for a time like this one.”
“Can I read it?”
Sunburst sucked air slowly. “Maybe when you're a little older.”
Hat Trick let out a disapproving groan. Starlight said nothing. Gauging his reaction, whatever was in that envelope, she knew it was upsetting and not in the good old mournful loss kind of way.
Sunburst’s demeanor changed as he became quiet, almost sullen, for the rest of the trunk unpacking. His mood then extended all the way through dinner. He said nothing more about it to either of them and Starlight didn't think it right to ask even after Hat had left them alone to get ready for bed.
Sunburst laid down with Hat in his room once again. At some point in the near future he was going to stop doing this but he hadn't decided when. He wanted above everything to make sure that Hat Trick felt comfortable and safe and loved.
Starlight rubbed a towel over her mane, getting the last of the water she couldn't wring out with her magic. The air in the bathroom was still thick with steam and her reflection in the mirror was a hazy pink blur. Living in just an ordinary house was like being a queen compared to her salvage boat life.
Having no second dry towel to make a turban she just brushed her mane and left it down before exiting into the crisp air of the hall. She went to the kitchen to get water. Then maybe she would go read in the living room for a while or talk if Sunburst stayed up. She turned at the end of the hall and saw that Sunburst had returned from his son's room. He stood alone in the living room seemingly not doing anything other than enjoying the fire.
Starlight got a glass of cold water and drank it looking out the window into the night. When she came out she paused in the kitchen doorway. Sunburst was just standing there staring into the flames. From her angle she could see that his face looked deeply anguished as bad as she had ever seen it. Something weighed heavily on his mind, something new. It must have been the letter she decided.
Silently Starlight padded into the room and sat on the couch with a soft squeak. She was all but certain that he could see her in his peripheral vision now but he remained staring into the fire without acknowledging her presence.
In the corner she could see the trunk sitting. He had repacked and latched it shut but it still sat there. Starlight cleared her throat uncomfortably.
“Um… Sunburst, are you okay?”
The fire snapped and he gave a long, beleaguered exhale.
“I mean, besides the obvious," she added.
“I'm very not okay,” he mumbled absently, shaking his head.
She waited a suspensefully long time for him to elaborate. Just as she was about ready to break the stalemate he spoke up again.
“He's not mine, Starlight.” His glasses glowed yellow in the light of the fire.
“What?” she blinked.
“Hat Trick… He's not my biological son… I don't have a biological son. That's what was in the letter from the trunk.”
Starlight's stomach dropped. “That's impossible,” she blurted. Wait, she thought. No it wasn't. It wasn't impossible at all. A profound sense of denial was just her immediate reaction to hearing such a gut wrenching bombshell. “How do you know that's true though?” she asked with an air of false bravado.
Sunburst turned to face her and was almost sidetracked by the unexpected appearance of her mane. He couldn't remember ever seeing her hair wet and down before.
“Trixie did a paternity test on me without my knowledge. I guess she didn't even know for sure herself.”
Starlight thought back to his ‘paternity test’ quip, the one he made the day she'd arrived back in Ponyville. It wasn't just a joke, it was an unconscious admission that he wasn't adverse to such a possibility, however small it was. Trixie had been far away and all around so many times with plenty of opportunities for infidelity at all the right venues. That was just probably her lifestyle before getting married.
The nagging thoughts Sunburst had had for years about her career were validated in a sickening terminus. He sat down next to Starlight and rubbed the back of his head as the smell of her pomegranate shampoo wafted into his nostrils.
“The math is simple,” he continued. “This supposed one night stand happened while she was on tour only about a year after we got married, her first trip since our wedding. After she came home we… well, you know how it is after you've had a drought. I always believed that was when Hat was conceived but I guess I was off by a couple of weeks.”
He covered his face with one hoof. “I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so stupid about everything. She was out there traveling and performing and partying all over while I was here teaching and raising her illegitimate foal. She had a lot of opportunities but so did I. I was never in any danger of cheating even with all the loneliness. Maybe she was just never meant to settle down.”
Starlight felt another pang in her heart as the two letters suddenly dovetailed together in her head. They painted a picture of a mare who couldn't stand still even when she wanted to.
“It wasn't like she was a deadbeat parent or she was gone all the time," he added. “But when she was gone I hated it.”
Starlight put a hoof on his shoulder. “What did she say in the letter?”
“She said she loved me and Hat. Apologized profusely and called it a lapse of judgment. She thought he was mine but couldn't be a hundred percent sure. Then she got the test back. She was too afraid to tell me but she swore it would never ever happen again. I want to believe that but all I have is old ink on paper. I'm sure she meant it when she wrote it but who knows what happened since.”
In a moment of raw disillusionment it was difficult to find anything solid to stand on. If Hat Trick was a lie then anything could be a lie. Still, there was a certain sort of bedrock foundation of one's private thoughts written in a letter unsent, second only to being inside someone's brain.
She really did regret her actions but she didn't write an apology letter for the initial cheating when it happened. At least not one that they knew of. Only when that cheating bore significant, life altering, consequences did she express it in any form. Perhaps her guilt had finally reached critical mass after seeing the test results. The absence of other apology letters didn't necessarily prove an absence of more infidelity. And an apology wouldn't mean much if she had to keep apologizing for the same thing over and over. It seemed they were now both engaged in the same cruel mental tug of war over Trixie's legacy.
“If you're not his dad then who is?” she demanded.
“It's Flim, you know, of the Flim Flam Brothers. Another traveling vagabond type.”
Starlight had a vague recollection of the two unicorns and not a particularly positive one. “You don't even know where he is, do you?” she posed. “Does he know he has a son?”
Sunburst shook his head. “It doesn't sound like he does and you're right I don't know where he is because I don't think they even have a home really. They’re always moving.”
The awful revelation had reframed everything in his marriage, his parenthood and his home life. It left a stain on it that he couldn't see through.
His lips quivered. “You know if she had just come to me and shown me that test and apologized herself we could have all talked about this together a long time ago when Hat was still a baby and I would have been upset for a long time but I probably would have stayed with her. But now with everything the way it is, I don't even know what I'm going to do.”
In the glint of the firelight she saw a pair of golden tears trickle down from behind his glasses. Instinctively she drew him into a hug. He buried his head in her chest where he began to sob.
“I'm so sorry,” she whispered.
“I don't deserve your friendship,” he cried.
It was ironic in that she had thought the exact same thing about herself toward him many times in the past. He heaved and shuddered against her as she felt her own composure beginning to crumble, face tightening, eyes beginning to water but she fought it away as best she could. He took several deep breaths and swallowed the knot in his throat before sitting back up again and wiping his nose with his fetlock.
He looked so pathetic and destroyed and she had no idea what to say. It was unfair that something a dead mare did years ago could cleave his heart in two so keenly today. Their sad eyes locked and in that moment of mutual helplessness she felt an intense impulse to do something stupid.
No, I can't , she thought. It isn't right. It's too soon. It's not the right time . Just then an angry voice awakened inside her, one that had been silent for far too long. Stop saying it's too soon; it's not the right time. You've been saying that your whole life. Look at him. You can't make it worse. What is left to screw up?
Spurred on by a desperate desire to take control and stem his spiraling sorrow, Starlight prepared the biggest, nicest distraction she could think of. She grabbed him by the head, closed her eyes and leaned forward.
Their lips met softly despite her ambush. Their second kiss was a sibling of their first. Sunburst felt a jolt go through his heart and in spite of everything found himself kissing back slowly but with equal enthusiasm. Starlight kept him braced in her hooves even as she allowed him to pull away after. They broke apart and looked at each other with uncertain eyes like they’d just found a secret passage behind a bookcase.
Sunburst closed his eyes again with an experimental sort of expectancy and she came back to him, just as tenderly as before. Her return left his heart pounding and his curiosity emboldened. He charged forward, deepening their kiss.
A soft moan betrayed her lips and she curled a hoof around his head to pull him in. Starlight's heart and mind were racing. This was going a little further than she had initially planned but if he wasn't going to say stop then neither was she. She felt his hooves slide down her shoulders to squeeze around her midsection just before his tongue plunged between her lips. She took him in and pushed back enthusiastically as their mouths widened. Their hooves frantically traveled each other's bodies as they reached a sort of event horizon.
Still possessing some presence of mind, Sunburst abruptly teleported them away from the couch. Starlight appeared with him sitting on a bed in an unfamiliar room. She stole a startled glance while their impassioned kissing continued unbroken. He'd taken her to not just a bedroom but his bedroom. She toppled backward onto the mattress in a submissive move. He followed her, keeping his mouth against hers like it was his only air supply.
Now pinned underneath his body she wrapped her forelegs around his back. Starlight could scarcely believe this was happening and right here in the spot where he'd probably fucked Trixie hundreds of times before. It had been a while for Sunburst but an even longer time for Starlight. Their pent up sexual frustration resonated in the intense magnetism between their bodies and their grasping hooves swishing through manes and over curves. Everything else melted away except for the two of them in this moment and that was just how they wanted it. If this was wrong Starlight didn't want to be right.
His lips left hers and suddenly flew to the crook of her neck, his hot breath penetrating her damp fur and caressing her skin. Her chin tilted back agreeably for him. Eyes closed she sighed as he nipped at her. His teeth sent shockwaves through her body. It was impossible to explain but she couldn't ever remember feeling an intimacy with another like this. It went beyond attraction and physical touch.
He moved to her throat, the sensation paralyzing her with chills. Then suddenly he pulled away to look down at her. Their eyes met. Somehow he still had his glasses on, fogged up with the steam of his own breath. Her damp hair spread out behind her on the bed. Both of them trembled with anticipation, drinking in the tension of a momentary pause for wordless confirmation. It was respectful and so like him, an acknowledgment that they were still in control and they could still stop even after coming this far but how could they deny themselves of each other now?
Without breaking eye contact she settled her body into the mattress and reached a hoof down to guide him to his target. Another shiver took her body as she felt him nestle between her legs.
Sunburst broke their stare to look down between them. He couldn't see but he could certainly feel her inviting warmth. He looked back at his longtime friend who waited with breathless anticipation. He set back down atop her carefully laying his head beside hers. Then he eased forward with indelible conviction. She sighed gently into his neck as she felt him push inside her and then suddenly their bodies were locked together in unity. The journey to this moment was long and winding but that just made it all the more sweeter.
“You don't have to go slow,” she whispered.
At her encouragement he rocked back and forward again and the spark between them began to burn hotter. Starlight bit her lip to stifle her cries, not wanting to awaken Hat. She locked every leg around him as a natural rhythm developed in their bodies. Their inhibitions now gone, all that was left was a long denied carnal desire wrapped in thirst for emotional closeness.
Starlight's shaking hooves tightened around his tense back as their bodies collided with unbridled desperation. The problems on their minds and reservations about their actions were all but silenced under the roar of primal gratification.
“Don't worry about anything,” she panted. “Just keep going.”- - -
Sunburst softly inhaled the fruity scent of Starlight's still damp mane, his muzzle nestled into the back of her head. His glasses sat folded on the nightstand behind him. Her eyes were trained vacantly on the dresser against the wall where pale moonlight projected an intriguing pattern from the window blinds. His hoof rested on her side, rising and falling with her now relaxed breath.
It was enjoyable and even more so cathartic but what exactly did it mean in the twisted debris field that had become their world? The two of them were starving but were they starving for each other or just for someone to fill a gaping void. Starlight knew her answer but would he wake up tomorrow morning and realize that he'd made a mistake with her while he was emotionally compromised? Was this just for tonight or could it be for tomorrow night too or even the night after that until she left Ponyville and went to the other side of the planet just like Trixie would?
It felt like she was trying unsuccessfully to assemble two jigsaw puzzles into one. Her life was just sand on a beach now and every time she wrote something in it the tide would wash it away and leave her wondering if she should keep writing or just embrace the waves themselves.
“I probably shouldn't spend the night in here… even though I want to,” she murmured.
“I also want you to,” he breathed. “But you're right.”
It felt nice to hear that even coupled with the implication that their act, nay any sign of affection between them, was taboo and should be hidden from sight. No doubt any closeness of the sort would upset Hat Trick but then again he wasn't even his biological son. She was certain that Sunburst remained steadfast in his dutiful obligation to him but should the colt still possess such a large sway over his guardian’s personal life? The dynamic between the three of them seemed headed for a reformation. Hat was no longer entitled to Sunburst as a father. He was his own stallion and the colt should be grateful with his generous guardian and more accepting of his relationship choices. Or was that right? Something about it felt gross and cynical but she couldn't quite pin it down. Maybe it was because he was just a helpless little kid who had nothing now. He didn't ask for this but then again neither did Sunburst.
Starlight hated to ruin the perfect tranquility of the moment, to bring the outside world into the safe little bubble they'd made but she worried now.
“Are you going to tell him about the letter?” she asked, eyes flicking to the side as if she could look back at him.
Sunburst exhaled. “I feel like I have to.”
“But when?”
“As soon as I know what the hell I'm going to say to him.”
“Hasn't he been through enough? Do you really think he's ready to hear this right now?” This was a conversation she realized that two equally invested parents would have at night while falling asleep in their bed.
“Do you think I just shouldn't ever tell him?” he asked.
That was definitely a viable course of action in her mind. Wouldn't it be nice to live a comfortable lie like that your whole life. Would it really hurt anyone? But how could Sunburst possibly keep something so big from him?
“I have to tell him,” he reiterated. “I just have to make sure he knows that I'm still there for him no matter what.”
“Well it's between you and him. Wish I could help but, you know…” It was a strange situation to be in, an outsider pariah who just dropped in but still cared for some reason. It was just instinctual to want to see him grow up in a better environment than his mother had.
The two of them let the silence of the night creep back into the room. Starlight thought for minutes until she worried that he might be drifting off to sleep.
“Sunburst?” she called softly.
“Hmm?” he grunted.
“What do we do now?”
Though her question was vague, there was no confusion surrounding what she was talking about when she used the word ‘we.’
“I don't know,” he admitted feebly. “Things are very weird right now. I want to say you can stay here as long as you want… not just because of tonight,” he clarified. “But aren't you still leaving?”
“I…”
She rolled over to face him so that their horns crossed.
“I don't know…. But in any case I don't think I should be in your house any longer than the length I said I was going to be. This might not be too fast or too much for us but it is for Hat. He has enough happening around him already without feeling like a stranger or third wheel in his own home. I think he and I could be friends if he gave me a chance but he needs time to adjust and it's not going to happen by force. I know he's not technically yours but you're all he has in the world right now and even though it hurts I'm not going to insinuate myself into your life without his blessing.”
Sunburst’s lips set in a thin line. “That's not how it's going to be, Starlight; it won’t come to that. I’m not going to give up on either of you.”
The tension in Sunburst’s body was gone for now but he was mentally aloof through every class he taught the next day. Later he would try to tell Hat Trick about his true origin, decidedly without the distraction of Starlight's presence. Would he view him differently afterwards? What would he think about his mother? Would it make things exponentially worse on him or would it be just more rain lost in a rainstorm. Every time he had doubts about it his brain would inevitably return to the axiom that he just needed to stress love, acceptance and stability for the colt. If he just had those everything would work itself out in due time.
Apple Bloom knocked twice before poking her head into Sunburst's office with his mail in her mouth. She spat it out on his desk. “Got yer box.”
“Thank you, Apple Bloom. I always forget.”
“Ya sure cleaned out that office quick,”
“Oh, uh yeah,” he smiled awkwardly, unsure if it was okay to tell her who really cleaned the office for him.
“How do ya stay so productive through everythin’?” asked the young mare.
“Well, like I said, I either stay busy or I crash.”
When it came time Sunburst hurried over to the schoolhouse to meet Hat Trick.
He sidled up to the boy as the foals spilled out of the building. “Hey buddy, want to go to Sugar Cube Corner, just you and me?
“Yeah,” he nodded with a bit more enthusiasm than at past suggestions.
Sunburst decided that this was the best way to soften the blow of the news. Starlight had decided that she should be conveniently out for the day to give them their privacy and not present to further agitate the colt.
Sunburst teleported them home so that his son could get rid of his saddle bag and then promptly took them to Sugar Cube Corner.
“What can I get?” Hat asked his dad at the counter.
“Whatever you want,” he answered with a weak smile.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Despite hearing this he was highly judicious in his selection, getting a two scoop ice cream sundae. Sunburst had ice cream too but found himself too distracted to enjoy it or even be aware that he was eating it at all. He looked across the table at Hat Trick who was gazing out the window of their booth. There was sadness but also still wonder in his eyes. From the boy’s perspective this would be the last thing they ever did together as biological father and son.
“Did you have a good day at school?” asked sunburst.
I guess,” replied Hat still looking out the window. “Did you have a good day at school?”
“I guess.”
Sunburst's spoon scraped the bottom of his cup and he scooped air into his mouth once before realizing the ice cream was gone.
“Thank you,” said hat.
“Huh?”
“For the ice cream.”
“Oh yeah,” he breathed. “You're welcome. Ready to go?
He nodded wordlessly.
No more stalling or mental preparation. It was time. They threw their trash away and teleported home into the living room.
Sunburst scratched his chin uncomfortably. “Um, Hat? Can you sit with me on the couch for a minute? I have something to tell you about your mom... and you… and me. It's really important.” He took a seat and waited for the colt to join him.
Hat Trick sat down on the other end of the couch predicting another quasi therapy session from his dad over the loss of his mother. He turned to face him with an innocent sort of anticipation.
Sunburst breathed a fatalistic sigh. “First of all I really want you to understand that this doesn't change how I feel about you at all. I still love you just as much.”
Hat frowned, taken aback by his strange preamble. He was at a complete loss as to anticipate what could possibly be coming next.
“You already know where foals come from… more or less so I don't have to explain that part. So when two ponies make a foal together it's usually very special and ideally you only do it with your one special somepony. Sometimes ponies accidentally make a foal when they didn't intend to. That's not all that uncommon really. It's where I came from and also your mother. Sometimes ponies make foals with other ponies they don't really know or even care about at all.
“Why would they do that?” he shrugged, becoming more and more perturbed by the topics they were covering.
“Because ponies like the sex part of making a foal but don't want to make a foal every time because that's a big responsibility. It's like… those jars that the pickles come in. They look cool and it's nice to keep a few of them after they're empty but we can't just keep every single one; we’ll run out of room eventually. So at some point we keep eating the pickles but we don't keep the jars anymore.”
“Oh,” nodded the colt. "But no one gets rid of foals though.”
Sunburst tilted his head, knowing it wasn't a perfect analogy. “Well… Usually they take medicine or something to make sure the mare can't get pregnant so that there is never a foal.” He rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. “Listen, I know this is all kind of confusing for you to absorb right now but we're getting off track. Let's rewind. You know that I was married to your mom. Typically when you marry someone, you're promising to them that you're not going to have sex or make foals with anyone else but them. Well sometimes ponies break that promise and it's very sad especially for the other pony. Your mom… broke that promise to me and she accidentally made a foal with another stallion and… that foal is you .”
At first Hat looked confused but then the color drained from his face as the delicately worded explanation began to click. His mouth dropped open and fear filled his eyes. None of what his dad said made any sense. How could it be true?
“That… That can't be right,” stammered Hat aghast. “That's not possible. Why would you say that?”
“This isn't something I made up, Hat. Those are her own words. That's what she wrote in the letter to me that she left in the trunk. I didn't believe it at first when I saw it either but she even had a test done to find out if I was your biological father and it came back negative. I'm not blood related to you.”
“What does this mean?” he cried. “Why would she do something like that?”
Sunburst’s dismayed frown deepened. “I don't know. Sometimes ponies get bored of being with just one other pony or some just think it's fun to cheat. There are actually a lot of reasons but your mom said it was a mistake and that she was sorry.”
“But then I was a mistake,” he blurted.
Sunburst shook his head emphatically. “No, you're an accident like I was and like your mom was. It doesn't mean no one wants you. It just means they weren't quite ready when you came.”
“Who is my dad then if it isn't you?” he asked, voice straining into a squeak.
Sunburst disliked the semantics of his question. He was sure he didn't mean it that way but the suggestion of him losing the title of ‘dad’ felt like it discounted all the care he'd given the colt up to this point in his life.
“It's another unicorn,” he sighed. “I know his name but not where he lives.”
Hat hung his head and buried his face in his hooves in dismay. Everything he thought he knew about himself and his family was fake or a happy illusion. He suddenly had no parents at all now. He wasn't Sunburst's. Sunburst didn't have any familial ties or obligations to him. He was basically an orphan staying in someone's house. Suddenly it dawned on him that Starlight wasn't actually the intruder in their life, he was the intruder in theirs.
His stomach was sick. Everything felt like it was spinning. Sunburst stretched a hoof out to comfort him just as he vanished from sight with a magical flash.
“Hat Trick?” he called looking around the room in surprise. He had left. Sunburst teleported to the colt’s room. “Hat Trick?” He hadn't gone to his room. Sunburst teleported back to the living room and called louder this time but the whole house was silent in response. He felt a sudden sinking feeling in his gut. - - -
“Nothing like this has ever happened before,” wept Sunburst helplessly from the park bench. “He can't teleport very far but he could still be anywhere by now. You were right, I should have waited to tell him. I never thought he'd do anything like this.” He hung his head and looked at the photo of Hat in his hooves.
Sitting beside him, Starlight put a foreleg around his back. “I don't know that there's ever a great time to hear what had to be said,” she replied. “We can't do anything but keep looking. If we can't find him he'll come back I think. Kids that run away usually come back within a couple of days.”
They'd already been looking for hours. They reported the situation to the police department who helped spread the word. Volunteers were canvassing the town and the surrounding area. Some local pegasi searched from the air. On the ground They had already checked all of Hat’s friends’ houses and his favorite places but no one had seen the colt or any trace of him since he'd run off.
Starlight thought for a regretful moment that perhaps if she had never come back to Ponyville this wouldn't have happened but no, it was inevitable that he have this reckoning and probably sooner rather than later.
Sunburst shook his head. “He must hate me now.”
“No. Why would he hate you? He's just upset and confused. He doesn't know how to process all of this. That's why I think he'll come back when he calms down but we shouldn't stop looking. I'll check the east side of town,” she suggested. “Even though I'm doubtful that he'll come to me of all ponies but maybe I can catch him if I find him. You should check elsewhere to cover more ground.” - - -
Hat's name echoed through the woods behind the school. It was a voice he didn’t recognize, not that he would have come out if he had recognized it. He heard the distant sound of snapping twigs alerting him that someone was fairly close by now. He had already relocated once to go further out of town; he didn't want to have to do it again.
Hat hugged the tree branch beneath his body just like a chameleon. With his coat magically altered to that of the color and texture of the surrounding leaves he was confident that even a pony traipsing right underneath him wouldn't notice his presence.
He had left home without anything or even a plan so he used his time in hiding to make one. For all his short life he thought he belonged here in Ponyville in a family with Sunburst but that was wrong. Just because that was all he'd ever known didn't mean he was supposed to be there. The only parent he'd ever had was Trixie and she was gone. He still hated performance magic. First it took her time from him. Then it led her astray and then it took her forever. But what if he was cursed to be a traveling performer just like her?
Hat Trick clenched his eyes shut as he tried to sort out his thoughts. They were all jumbled. He wasn't actually angry at Sunburst. Sunburst didn't do anything wrong except let Starlight into the house. That was bad.
Starlight was a full grown mare who wanted a close relationship with Sunburst which he did not like at all but now that Sunburst wasn't even his, he felt like he had to cede all of his claim over his old guardian which made him doubly frustrated.
His mom, who he still cared for deeply, betrayed Sunburst and kept the secret from the both of them. That hurt him inside a lot. How could she do something like that but still be so good to him? It seemed paradoxical. How was it possible to be so upset over something she did when he was still so upset over her death? Why was life so cruel that it would kick him while he was down?
He'd been missing for over four hours now and he was feeling famished. The sun would set soon. He would just keep waiting until he thought everyone was asleep. Then he’d go back to his room to get his saddle bag and a few things and then he'd load up on food in the kitchen before leaving again. Even though his first inclination was to try and seek out the complete stranger who was his biological father he didn't know where he was and hadn't even gotten a name before he vanished. For now he'd hitch a ride on a train into the city where there were opportunities and no one was looking for him. From there he would just have to figure things out from now on.
The thought of leaving all his friends and everyone he knew and going out on his own terrified him but it was the only way he was going to find the place where he belonged and if he couldn't find that place he would just have to make it himself. In the end wasn't he just fated to leave anyway like his mom and her parents and whoever his dad was?
The sound of crunching leaves and twigs tapered off into nothing as the stranger's voice began to die away along with it. - - -
It was a little past eleven o'clock according to the clock tower at the town center. Hat wasn't supposed to stay up this late. It was dark and the streets had emptied out considerably. Still he avoided being seen by anyone out, sure that if one stranger was looking for him any of them could be. The woods were scary after dark so he had moved back into town prompted by the disappearance of the sun.
The little colt stood at the mouth of an alley across the street from his house. Every window was dark. They must have been asleep. Perfect. In and out in under five minutes. Then he'd go to the station and wait for an eastbound train and he wouldn't look back no matter how hard things got. Even if he had to steal food to survive. His horn blinked and he appeared in his own bedroom. It was dark inside except for his night light which still glowed even in his absence.
From the corner he grabbed his saddle bag and dumped out all of his school supplies. Wouldn't be needing those. He slipped on a hoodie from his closet and packed a hat and all the money from his piggy bank. He glanced around his room and sighed, more than a little sad to be letting it all go. He picked up a family photo of him, his mom, Sunburst and Sunburst's mom, the mare he called grandma who was now not his grandma. He wavered on it for several moments before finally stuffing the framed photo in his bag. Some comics. Lip balm. A multi tool. He wondered if he was being practical enough. He needed to save room for food for the rough transition to his new life.
Hat set the bag on his back. Then he focused on the kitchen, planning on teleporting there to raid the cupboards quickly before leaving. But when he channeled the magic into his horn nothing happened. He frowned and quickly cleared his mind intending to try again.
Suddenly he heard a soft click behind him. The colt spun around to see Starlight standing there in front of the closed door.
“You weren't really going to leave again, were you?” she asked quietly.
“What if I am?” he growled. “Why do you care?” Hat quickly tried the spell once more to blink from the room, now needing to just run but the magic fizzled out inertly just as before. He stamped his foot angrily. “Ugh! What is going on?”
“I warded your bedroom,” explained Starlight. “You can teleport in but not out. The spell effect should only last another five to six hours but until then the only way out is through this door.”
Hat trick looked over his shoulder to the window.
“Don't even bother,” began Starlight. “I put the window similarly in stasis; it won't open and it's practically unbreakable in the state it's in.”
He turned back to scowl at her. “How do you know how to do all that stuff?”
“Innate magical talent, reading a lot of books and practice, practice, practice.”
“Well, why are you doing this?”
“I care about what happens to you because Sunburst cares and because you're Trixie's son and the only piece left of her.” She shook her head. “But honestly even if I didn't know you at all, I'd still try to stop you.”
“You're ruining everything for me," he snarled. “You shouldn't even be here.”
“You're making a mistake,” she replied evenly. “Running away isn't the answer. Leaving your whole safety net behind is one of the worst decisions you can make, especially as a young foal. I know you're upset right now but just stop and think about it for a minute.”
“You ran away twice from what I heard.” He retorted.
“And look what it got me, a lot of turmoil and wasted time because I was angry and stubborn. It wasn't until I came back that I finally realized exactly how much I had hurt and scared everyone around me. You're hurting your dad right now.”
Hat looked away. “He's not my dad.”
“He still has feelings and he's the closest thing to a dad that you have. He’s been your dad for longer than your mom was your mom. He raised you like you were his son. Are you just forgetting all that?”
“You don't know anything about us,” he spat.
“I knew your mom before you did; I knew the her she probably never talked about. I've known your dad for even longer than you have.”
He threw up his hooves. “Fine! What does that change? You made everything worse when you came. You just appeared out of nowhere after she died like-” Suddenly it clicked together in his mind exactly what his aversion was to Starlight Glimmer. He pointed his hoof at her with narrowed eyes. “You… you wanted to replace her this whole time. He wanted to replace her with you!”
“That's not true, Hat,” she pleaded. “The fact is that I was friends with your mom and dad but I've been angry at them for a very long time. When I heard she died I suddenly realized that the last thing we ever shared together was a fight and the book on our relationship was closed forever. I came back because I wanted to find a way to finally stop being angry at her even though she was gone and we'd never talk again. I wanted the book to have a different ending than the one it got.”
Starlight's expression softened. “Your mother is irreplaceable. Ponies aren't replaceable at all. I can't be her. The only thing I can do is be the best me and hope that others will accept me for it. I know your life is going through a lot of really awful changes right now, things that shouldn't have to happen to anyone. It won't ever be the same again and I'm sorry but the path you take now is between healing or more hurting. Believe it from someone who already walked that path.”
Hat shook his head stubbornly. “I was never even supposed to be with him in the first place. I was never supposed to exist at all. Their marriage was a mistake. I'm just supposed to be some loner who travels around and has no home or family. Now you can get whatever it is you want here and I won’t bother you so just let me go!”
Starlight gritted her teeth in frustration. “Love isn't a zero sum game. There's enough for everyone. He doesn't have to pick between us. He doesn't want to pick between us. You don't even have your cutie mark yet. You're eight years old. How do you know what you're supposed to be? You can still choose to admire and become the good parts of your mom and choose something else for the not as good parts. Right now you already have someone who's out there wandering around alone in the dark and crying because he can't find you. What are you going to find out there that's more valuable than that?”
Her final argument landed like a mallet on his heart. “I… I don't know,” his voice cracked. Hat Trick dropped to his haunches and hung his head as he began to bawl.
Starlight sighed. Part of her wanted to go over and comfort him. Part of her wanted to stay where she was and guard the door. He was really losing it though, slumping until he was flat on the floor and heaving.
She walked over to him and sat down. “Hey, you're okay. I know this is a lot to have happen all at once but just think, you get to sleep in a warm bed tonight and don't have to worry about where your next meal is coming from.”
“I’m the one who ruined everything,” he sobbed.
“No you're not. Nobody ruined anything. We're all just trying to make it through a bad situation.”
“But I was mean for no reason,” he wailed.
Starlight scratched her head. “Well… why don't we pretend the last few days just never happened and start over from the beginning?”
She stood up and turned to face him before holding out her hoof. “Hi, I'm Starlight Glimmer. What's your name?” She held her pose and her soft smile as she waited patiently for his response.
Hat sniffed and wiped his eyes. He looked up at her outstretched hoof and then at her quizzically. Starlight wagged her hoof expectantly and maintained her expression. He arose hesitantly but held out his own hoof to touch hers. “Um… I'm Hat Trick," he mumbled weakly.
“Nice to meet you,” she replied.
They shook.
“What do you like to do for fun, Hat Trick?”
He blinked back at her, still bewildered by what they were doing but answered earnestly. “I like reading books and comics and playing board games.”
“Hey, I like those things too,” nodded Starlight. “Do you have a favorite comic series?”
“I like Red Doctrine the best.” He suddenly remembered the short conversation they'd had about comics where he'd given the same answer to her before storming off.
“I haven't heard of that one. What's it about?”
“Uh. It's this archaeologist who finds this weird artifact that gives him the power to sightjack other ponies and see visions of the past.”
“Sightjack? Like see through their eyes?”
“Yeah, but he has to do it through objects that those ponies have left a strong enough imprint on like a diary, a painting or a murder weapon. He uses it to solve mysteries and crimes. There's a lot of historical stuff too.”
“That does sound interesting,” mused Starlight. “How many issues do you have?”
“All of them up to the current one.”
“Can I… read them?” she asked. “I'll be careful.”
“Uh… Okay…” He'd never had a conversation like this with an adult before and it was kind of blowing his mind.
“Thanks.” Her eyebrows suddenly went up. “Oh, you know what? I just remembered that I have something that you might be interested in.” Her horn flashed and she summoned a comic book out of thin air. She levitated it to him.
Hat Trick lit his horn to see better in the dim light and found that it was a faded comic that looked to be older than either Starlight or Sunburst, an antiquated tale for a previous generation. He muttered the title aloud, “The Im… pastable Adventures of the Noodle?” He looked up at her in confusion before continuing. The cover image showed a masked villain tangled in what looked like the orange coils of very long and stretchy legs belonging to the hero christened the Noodle .
Oh cripes, it's the Noodle , exclaimed a speech bubble above the scowling stallion’s head. Evil doers beware, boasted the hero. The Noodle is on the prowl!
He looked back at Starlight again, this time with disbelief at the absurdity which floated before him.
“This is actually issue three,” she explained. “But it does have at least a recap of his origin story. There was an accident at the pasta factory and his DNA got infused with genetically modified spaghetti.”
Hat’s eyes were red and his face hurt but for a moment he forgot about that and smiled faintly. “That's so stupid,” he snorted, looking back at the comic. “Where did you get this?”
“From the antique fair. You said you were looking for stupid heroes and I thought that sounded fun. I got something for your dad there too… not a comic. Anyway, I was going to give this to you for a lark but there was never really a good time. Not that right now is an amazing time.” Originally she had planned to just leave it behind with a note when she left.
“You got this for me?” he marveled.
“Yeah.”
“Thanks…” He took it with his magic.
“We can talk more about comics later but we should really go tell your dad that you're back. I should go tell my dad that I'm back too for that matter.” - - -
The irony of the situation was that now Starlight and Hat were outside combing the area and looking for Sunburst. It took some time to find him having moved over by the abandoned factory to search for his lost son. They spotted his light on the ground below before they heard his voice. Starlight teleported them straight there.
“Dad,” Hat called to Sunburst’s back.
Almost not believing his ears, the weary and beleaguered stallion spun around with a start.
“Hat?”
His heart leapt. He galloped to him and they wrapped their forelegs around one another in a desperate hug. “I was so worried,” he cried. “Never do that again.”
“I'm sorry I made you look for me,” sobbed the colt as his composure fell apart once again.
Starlight looked on trying not to cry herself. There had already been far too much crying on this trip.
Sunburst set him down but still embraced him. “It doesn't matter that you're not related to me. I can't lose you. This is your home, here with me. Did you come back on your own?”
“I was going to get some things from the house and then leave on a train,” he admitted. “But then Starlight convinced me to stay.”
“She did? Where were you this whole time?”
Hat swallowed. “In a tree mostly.”
Sunburst laughed through his tears. “Camouflaging?”
“Yeah.”
“You're very good at disappearing. Let's go home; it's been a crazy day and we all need to get to bed.
“I'm really hungry though,” said Hat Trick, finally letting go of him.
“I bet you are. Maybe we should just stop by the all night diner.”
Starlight stood, back flat against the shower wall, The feeling of her bedraggled mane in the hot downpour died away as the tension in her body coiled exquisitely like a spring squeezing to its limit. Eyes closed, a heavy steam filled every quickening breath. Her trembling hoof curled tighter around Sunburst’s horn, pulling him in as he kissed emphatically between her thighs. The tiny rivulets of water trickling down her barrel parted over the top of his rooting muzzle.
I could stay here permanently , she thought. Couldn't I? Things could work out in Ponyville this time. It seemed every wheel was moving against her original plan now, the one she never really cared for. Here she could have real friends again, stability, a respectable job that she loved and this . Why not just succumb to the universe already?
Her hind legs quivered as the coil inside her released. Her forehooves braced upon Sunburst's head like it was the safety bar on a plunging rollercoaster.
With one last gratified sigh, she released him and let her forelegs dangle at her sides. Sunburst pulled away and looked up at her. She dropped to all fours again and wrapped her lips around his, tasting herself on him.
He had to get out quickly and dry off and then perhaps eat something else on his lunch break that was actual food before going back to teach fourth period. Perhaps it was overdoing it to climb in the shower with her but it was a moment where no one else was in the house. They could do whatever wherever albeit for just a short while.
Their kiss ended with a moan and then Sunburst vanished like a low cloud on a windy day to gather his glasses from the bathroom counter. Thoroughly satisfied, Starlight returned to the embrace of the water and her daydreams about the future. They certainly could have continued but he was a difficult one to pull away from his responsibilities which made it an all the more enticing engagement. - - -
Hat trick yawned as school finally sputtered to the finish line. Naturally he didn't get as much sleep last night as he was used to getting although he did sleep well when he did. But all of the excitement of the last twenty four hours was really taxing on his stamina, not to mention the new revelations about his identity made focusing nearly impossible. Yet here he was sitting in school just pretending that everything was normal. Miss Cheerilee and his classmates that knew what happened we're all glad he hadn't disappeared but he had yet to explain why he'd run off yesterday and caused such a stir.
The final bell rang and everyone began to wrangle their stuff into their saddlebags.
“All right, that's it for today,” concluded Cheerilee. Remember that tomorrow is the kite competition which will take place tomorrow at Gusty Hill after lunch. Don't forget your kite.”
Hat’s eyes bulged as the nasty surprise hit him. The kite competition. He'd completely forgotten about it. He hadn't so much as even read the project instructions yet. The supplies were just sitting at home in the corner of his room untouched for the whole week. He began to panic. What was he going to do?- - -
Starlight sat at the kitchen table, leafing through issue three of Red Doctrine. So far it was pretty interesting. It really did have a lot of historical intrigue and seemed to be above Hat Trick's age demographic. She wondered how he’d discovered the series and if he was drawn to it because of Sunburst's influence on him. Even if they weren't blood related they could still share an affinity for history and the esoteric.
She heard the fizzle of magic emanating from the hallway followed by the murmuring of the stallion and his son.
“It'll be fine. just ask her,” Sunburst prodded him. “She'd love to help and she'd be a lot better at it than me.”
She looked up as Hat trick crawled sheepishly into the kitchen still wearing his saddlebag.
“Um… Starlight,” he mumbled. “Can you help me with my kite project, please?”
It suddenly felt like fireworks were going off in her heart. He was asking her to help him with schoolwork and it involved her special interest. She closed the comic book trying not to explode out of her seat. “I’d love to. When is it due?”
“Tomorrow.”
Starlight's eyebrows went up.
“Yeah, I forgot about it. I know we’ll never be able to make a working kite in time,” he moaned. “But I don't want to get a zero. It's going to be so embarrassing.”
“We can make a working kite today,” Starlight assured him. “It'll probably take less than a couple of hours. Building a kite is actually pretty simple if you know what you're doing. We've got plenty of time if we start now. Do you have stuff to build with though?”
“Yeah, she gave us stuff but she said we could use anything. I have the instructions and the supplies in my room.”
He vanished for a moment and then returned with both the paper and the supplies and set them on the kitchen table in front of her. There was a collection of wooden dowels, a small bolt of beige fabric and a bobbin of kite string.
Starlight squinted at the instructions. There was a basic template attached for a simple diamond shaped kite that was easy to build and understand but also the project encountered latitude in what materials could be used and what designs could be made.
“Oh, there's four different categories you can win including uniqueness. That gives me an idea. Everyone else is probably going to be following the template to play it safe. Want to try something more interesting?”
“Like what?” he shrugged cluelessly.
“Have you ever heard of a box kite?”
“No, what's that?”
“Well it's a kite that's in the shape of a box… Hold on, let me show you.” She wandered into the living room and levitated an encyclopedia to her from the bookshelf across the room. She quickly flipped through it back at the kitchen table in front of the curious colt.
“Here we go. It looks like this.” She spun the floating book around.
Hat examined the photo and creased his forehead. “That looks completely ridiculous, there's no way that can fly.”
“It can fly,” insisted Starlight. “Look, there's a picture of a guy flying it right there.” She pointed to the photo. “I've made them before. Design is actually super easy; you just have to get the proportions right. It's just an idea though; we don't have to do it. Do you want to just make something like the one in the instructions?”
Hat looked at the picture again and thought about it. “Uh… okay, fine. Let's try it,” he answered, spurred on by equal parts skepticism and curiosity.
“Great. I'll make a template for you to cut the fabric pieces out and then while you're doing that I'll figure out the best way to make the joints of the frame with what we have. Do you want to paint it like it suggests in the instructions? Otherwise it's going to be pretty plain.”
“Yeah,” he agreed, “I have lots of paint already.”
“Go ahead and go get it," said Starlight, spreading the supplies out on the table.
Hat went and retrieved an acrylic paint set from the closet and a big paint brush. When he came back he busied himself with cutting up a number of cloth rectangles in accordance with Starlight's template. She cut the dowels to size while he painted each rectangle a different color.
“This is going to be so pretty,” declared Starlight as she placed the last swatch of painted cloth on the hearth before the fire. The heat would help the paint dry quicker so they could move on to the next step faster.
While that was happening they worked on assembling the box frame and when that was complete they stretched the cloth partitions across it as Starlight thought they should go.
“This seems right," she murmured, testing the weight of the finished craft in her hooves.
Hat rotated the strange geometric volume in the air with his magic. “Yeah, this looks really cool as like art or a model or something but I still don't think it will fly.”
“Only one way to find out,” sighed Starlight, holding up the string.
Outside it was almost sunset. Sunburst went with them to the empty lot just down the street, excited to see the maiden voyage of their strange but whimsical construct.
Starlight looked up at the tops of the trees to see that they were moving. There was some wind up there. Maybe enough to fly a kite. “Alright, let it unwind,” commanded Starlight. She backed away from Hat, gently holding the kite in her magic until the string stretched a decent lead between them.
“Okay, when I say go, you just gallop that way as fast as you can. Ready?”
“Yeah, he answered before putting the bobbin in his teeth and turning around.
“Go.” Starlight kept the craft aloft with her magic waiting for the string to tighten.
Hat took off through the field of patchy unkempt grass. He could feel the string stretch taught from the drag of the kite as his hooves pounded on the dirt.
“It's lifting up,” gasped Sunburst.
Hat looked back over his shoulder to see that it was true. The weird box was gliding elegantly through the air behind him.
Keep running,” shouted Starlight.
Hat kept galloping and the kite climbed even higher.
“Watch the fence,” warned his dad.
He looked ahead and saw that the lot came to an abrupt end at someone's property fence. He continued as far and as fast as he could before having to skid to a stop to avoid a collision with the partition. He looked back expecting the kite to flag and falter now that he wasn't towing it but it had soared just high enough to catch the cross breeze that rustled the treetops. It was hovering self-sufficiently in place.
“Look at that,” laughed Sunburst.
Hat transferred the bobbin to his hooves in disbelief. “No way. It really flies…” - - -
Starlight floated another roll onto her plate and then scooted the butter closer. “Is the obelisk going to end up being an alien artifact?” she asked, her knife spreading the butter seemingly autonomously before her.
“It hasn't been revealed in the series yet,” answered Hat. “But most fans think it is. You find out later that it was smuggled from the ruins of this lost advanced civilization which could have definitely been an alien civilization but I shouldn't say any more or it might spoil it for you.”
Sunburst listened to them quietly from across the table while he ate. His heart swelled with an indescribable levity. Not only did they seem like friends but Hat Trick almost sounded like his normal self.
“Will you help me fly my kite tomorrow?” asked Hat. “You're supposed to bring someone else but I don't think dad has time to come during class.”
Sunburst would get a sub in order to go if he had to but he said nothing about it.
Starlight's eyes fell to the table and she scratched her ear. He was a unicorn. He could probably figure out how to launch a kite on his own with magic but he wanted her to show up for him. Would that be weird, appearing at his school function in place of a parent with a bunch of other parents? “Well, I would love to but I did say I was going to leave tomorrow,” she sighed.
Her untimely reminder brought an awkward silence upon the dinner table and an abrupt end to what had been a nearly euphoric day following the depths of despair. Hat Trick frowned and stirred his food idly with his fork.
Starlight shifted uncomfortably as she wrestled with the words she wanted to say. If there was a time to say them it was probably right now. “I didn't tell anyone this but when I was at the school cleaning out the office, Twilight Sparkle dropped in on me.”
Sunburst's eyes widened. “Oh no…”
“It wasn't bad, really,” she continued. “I told her exactly why I left and she was surprisingly really insistent about wanting me to be the counselor again but it would be contingent upon me being full-time and making a commitment to improve my stability and mental wellness.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I didn't tell her anything. I told her I was skeptical about the idea and she told me not to answer her and to just think about it for a while.”
Sunburst waited for her to continue but got impatient. “Did you think about it?”
“Yeah I did. It's crazy because a week ago I wouldn't have even really considered it for a lot of reasons but a lot of things have changed since then. I want to say yes to her but the thing is that I'm out of on hoof money and I'm going to need to figure out my living situation while I transition so…”
“You could just stay here longer.” suggested the colt.
Starlight smiled. “That would be fun but I think for right now it would probably be best if I just got a little apartment somewhere in town.”
“So you're really going to move back to Ponyville?” gasped Sunburst.
“It's kind of hard not to at this point,” she admitted. “The other thing is, Hat… I know this is going to sound kind of weird and sudden coming from someone you just met but the truth is that I have loved your dad for a very long time.”
“And I've loved her too,” blurted Sunburst, completely blindsided by her sudden admission.
“First as a best friend and then as somepony I wanted to share a life with,” added Starlight. “Someday, if it would be okay with both of you, maybe we could be more than best friends but I think it's too soon to talk about that right now. Your dad and I know each other very well already so we're much further along in our relationship but now I'd like to get to know you too. So I guess what I really mean is that I'll come help you fly your kite tomorrow… and anytime you want.”
Something Family Adjacent
Wind rustled the colt's mane as he waited anxiously at the bottom of the hill. Hat Trick sat next to his kite watching the rest of his class talking and making last minute fixes to their crafts. Most of their parents had already shown up and were going through preflight examinations of their foals’ kites. Hat’s kite was, as expected, radically different from anyone else's there. There were plenty of diamond-shaped ones modeled after the design in the directions but there were also a few A-shaped ones. Most of the uniqueness was in the colors and the streaming tails. Hat’s entry drew much curiosity but also some respectful skepticism about its abilities to fly.
Big sugar-eyed the box quizzically. “Ya say this flew just like a regular kite?”
“Yeah,” replied Hat. “I didn't think it would work either but it did. I guess anything that catches the wind can be a kite if you just make it right.”
“Where did ya get the idea for somethin’ so crazy? Did ya invent it?”
“No, it's a real design that exists. It's called a box kite. My um… my dad's friend showed me how to make it. She's coming to help me fly.” He looked side to side. “I think.”
Just then Starlight appeared in a flash beside him.
“You came,” he exhaled with relief.
“Hey, yeah, sorry I'm a tiny bit late. I got kind of lost. I've never actually been out here before which is weird because when I used to live here I flew kites all the time so you'd think I'd know about a place that was good for flying kites.”
Big Sugar scampered away to Sugar Belle.
Starlight levitated the box kite in the air and examined it briefly. “Looks good and ready to fly.”
“All right everyone called Cheerilee to the group. “Is anyone not ready for takeoff? Everyone looked at each other but no one raised an issue.
“Wonderful,” she chimed. “Then we can start right now.”
Some distance from the base of the hill, every foal lined up with room between, bobbins at the ready in their mouths or floating in the air. Their adult assistants lined up behind them holding up an array of flamboyant looking kites.
Miss Cheerilee looked expectantly down the line of parents who all appeared prepared for launch.
“Adults, raise a hoof if you're ready.”
Everyone looked at her with smiles and hooves raised in the air.
“All right then, get ready. On your marks… Get set… Go!”
On the teacher’s command the line of foals broke into a full gallop toward the hill, strings trailing behind them.
One kite crashed quickly, swooping into the ground where it dragged behind the filly towing it. She frantically stopped and waited for her parent to reacquire the kite for a second attempt at lift off.
When the foals reached the incline of the crest they slowed considerably but as they climbed higher the wind became stronger lifting the kites skyward along with them. It wasn't a race but one wouldn't know it by the desperation of the animated fillies and colts as they ascended the steep levee.
Hat Trick was third to reach the top. He skidded on the grass as he spun around and watched as his peculiar kite continued to climb higher into the air, taken by the breeze. Seeing it go felt just as miraculous and gratifying now as the time before. Not only that but the others could see the miracle too.
As the rest of the foals surmounted the hill, the sky was suddenly populated with dancing colors and shapes. Sixteen kites in all but everyone's eyes were on the strange box that they all questioned. Some fluttered, some jittered about. His hovered in place unnaturally but at the same time it looked so at home in its environment.
Watching the box kite, Starlight felt a profound sense of triumph in that moment. She'd successfully helped Hat in a fun way and shown him something he'd never seen before. Maybe she could really be a parent. She looked down from the sky above and noticed that she was practically alone at the bottom of the hill. Now that the kites had stabilized the other adults were climbing up the levee to be with their kids. That made sense for her to do too, she supposed.
Instead of teleporting she cantered up to meet him. “We did it,” she smiled, cresting the hill. The look on his face was priceless. She sat on her haunches beside him in the grass and looked up the length of the string.
The foals who had stable kites let them unwind and go even higher in the stiff breeze. A hooful of them, including Hat's, went all the way to the end and ran out of string as they became tiny specks in the sky. The two of them laughed at how ridiculous it was. It might have gone all the way to outer space if they had more string. Starlight visored her eyes as she looked up in awe. It was better than even she had conceived. One pegasus parent flew up to survey the highest kites up close.
Sunburst watched the two from hiding at the edge of the woods. He said he was busy, and he was, but he still found two minutes to dip out of school just to see how they were doing and it was so worth it. He would have found a way to show up for him if there were no other options but with Starlight here he didn't want to rob them of the opportunity to have this moment together.
“Allright everypony,” called Cheerilee to the flyers. “Let's reel them in and get ready for awards and the picnic!”
Starlight scratched her head curiously. Oh yeah, she had seen something about that on the paper but it completely went to the back of her mind behind the kite project itself.
The session came to an end and the competition broke up. Checkered blankets unfurled along the base of the Gusty Hill. Starlight sat alone with Hat and they unwrapped sandwiches, chips and drinks provided by the school. It was a strange turn of events that she hadn't planned for but despite this it was pleasant.
Hat was well on his way to finishing his entire bag of potato chips to start when he asked Starlight bluntly. “Do you want to marry my dad?”
Starlight nearly choked on her bite of sandwich at the abruptness of his question. “Um, Yeah, that was kind of a soft launch of an engagement to be engaged kind of thing last night,” she chuckled nervously, eyes watering.
“Didn’t you want to marry him before you ran away?”
“Yeah, I did,” she admitted.
“But he was already with my mom.”
“More or less by that point.” Starlight floated the juice bottle to her lips. She really didn't want to have this conversation with him, especially at a school picnic but if he wanted to know then she thought he should.
“I've never really heard this part of the story before. I knew how they met through you. I didn't really know why you left until now.”
Starlight was wary of vilifying Trixie in front of her son even if it came from simply telling him the objective truth about what happened.
“Would you ever cheat on him?”
Starlight blinked. “No, of course not. I know that anyone you ask is going to say the same thing but I really do mean it. I've been so fond of him for so long I can't even imagine myself hurting him like that.”
“I couldn't imagine my mom doing it,” he sighed, finally unwrapping the brown paper from his sandwich.
Starlight swallowed. “Well… everyone has their shortcomings.” That was by no means an excuse though, she thought. “Your mom and I had lots of things in common but we also had a lot of differences.”
“If you both want to get married then why don't you just get married? it's not like I can even stop you if I wanted to.”
Starlight downed the rest of her juice and sighed. “Well I'd like to be respectful of your mom for one and it's not a question of if you can stop us or not. It's whether or not you'd willingly accept it. Ideally you'd be excited to have me join your family before I did it. You don't want to be stuck with someone you don't like or who doesn't like you.”
“Do you like me?" he asked.
“Yes. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't, or rather I guess you wouldn't be here right now if I didn't.”
Hat thought about that for a moment before taking another bite. “That's a good point,” he agreed. “I don't know why you do though, after I was mean to you.”
“It wouldn't be fair to judge you based on your attitude during what I assume is the worst time of your life. And everyone deserves a second chance. I know I've benefited from a few.”
“What if it wouldn't be worth it?” he shrugged.
“Well, it was hard at first but we're having a good time together right now, aren't we?”
“Yeah.”
“See? I'm having fun.”
Hat laid down on the blanket having finished his food already. “If my mom was alive she probably wouldn't have done this with me even if she was home at the time. My dad would have had to do it. I miss having someone else even if they weren't really there all the time but if I got another mom I'd want her to be like you.”
Starlight was stunned speechless by his words until a shadow passed over her. Miss Cheerilee came by their blanket with a certificate in her mouth. She sat it down in the grass before them. “Congratulations Hat,” she chimed excitedly. “Your box kite design was hooves down the most unique kite today!”
Hat sat back up again and levitated the paper up so he could read it. The Colt smiled faintly at the acknowledgment of their accomplishment. “Thank you, Miss Cheerilee.”
She turned to the mare with him. “And Starlight, I haven't seen you in years,” she exclaimed. “What a surprise to see you again here of all places. It's so nice that you could be here for Hat today. Did you help him with his kite too?”
“Yeah, I did," she laughed awkwardly.
“Are you just visiting Ponyville?”
“Uh… well actually I'm planning on moving back.”
At the end of the picnic Hat Trick said goodbye to Starlight and returned to school with a lot on his mind. It had been that way for a while now. There was no shortage of mental knots to unravel at any given moment he fell prey to distraction.
When class ended for the day Sunburst was there to meet him with a smile the moment he stepped out the door like a reporter camping outside a courthouse.
“Hey,” his dad greeted excitedly.” Did you have a good day?”
The colt looked up at him from behind his levitating kite. “Yeah,” he answered sincerely. “Can we walk down to the creek before we go home though?”
“Sure.” He turned with his son onto the diverging dirt path that went to the little creek just beyond the edge of the school property. “Did your kite do well? Looks like it survived a second flight.”
“Hold it for me,” Hat ordered without explanation. Sunburst took the box kite with his magic and looked it over as they walked. Hat trick then levitated the certificate from his saddlebag and floated it to him with an almost smug smile.
“Wow, that's so cool,” gasped Sunburst as he scanned the award. “Most unique kite... I bet there weren't any other kites that looked like yours. You did such a great job on this. Was Starlight fun?”
“Yeah. We flew the kite and then we had a picnic together.”
“Wish I could have been there.”
Hat Trick put the paper safely away. “Is Starlight still going to come over when she gets an apartment?”
“Would you like that?”
“Yes,” he admitted.
“Then I bet she'll come over pretty often; I think she likes us.”
“She should come over and keep making us food,” suggested the colt matter-of-factly.
Sunburst laughed. “I think she enjoys doing that so it's a distinct possibility that she will.”
For Sunburst's entire domestic life they'd never had anyone in the house who could be considered a good cook. Stellar Flare was the closest but she didn't live there.
Wispy blades of grass bending over the edges of the path tickled their legs. As they neared the water they could hear the babbling of the creek as it flowed around the half submerged stones and thick exposed tree roots where the soil was washed away.
“When are you going to marry her?”
“I- I don't know,” shrugged the stallion, taken off guard by the direct question.
Hat looked up at him. “But you already decided that you were going to, didn't you?”
“Well, I decided I was going to ask her some time,” he corrected. “Is that okay?”
Hat looked ahead to the place where the ground ended at the meandering water’s edge. “I think so,” he murmured.
When the three of them had dinner together that night it felt like something family adjacent. It was a conclusion to a successful day where each of them played a role in supporting one another in a common goal. They discussed things that they did that day and plans that they had for tomorrow. It was a day that seemed normal after a week that was anything but. Not only that but it felt like there was a future to be had, a light at the end of a tunnel of so much despair. They were puzzle pieces that fit together.
After the fire, Sunburst settled into his bed and closed his eyes but his brain wouldn't rest. He couldn't stop thinking about Starlight. He couldn't believe that he'd never fully appreciated who she was in his life until right now when he needed her most it seemed.
His eyes popped back open when he heard the fizzle of magic in his ears and when he looked he saw the form of Starlight resting beside him as if he'd manifested her out of the aether. It was just bright enough in the room from the intrusive moonlight to see the gentle but impish smile on her face which he couldn't help but return.
“Is it okay if I sleep here?" she whispered. “Just till I get an apartment?”
“Yeah,” he breathed softly. Then reached out a hoof to lay on her side. How was it possible that all of this just felt so right? - - -
Sunburst awakened to the blare of the alarm clock. He hit the button and instinctively levitated his glasses from the nightstand to his face. He felt Starlight stir in the sheets behind him and for a moment he was surprised. It had been a while since he had shared a bed. He rolled over to meet her squinting gaze under disheveled mane.
“Too early for me,” she groaned, having fallen out of a work schedule.
“Not for long,” he mumbled wryly.
She kissed him on the muzzle and then vanished in a flash back to her room just as abruptly as she had appeared last night.
Sunburst rubbed his eyes and smiled as he felt the kiss linger on his lips. He wanted to feel the way he felt in this moment forever and he wanted it to start now. That was when an incredible idea burst into his brain, something he’d just have to do but he'd need to take the day off to do it…
Starlight rolled over in her bed and looked at the clock again. “Ugh,” she grumbled. “Guess I shouldn't sleep any longer if I expect to make it to Canterlot and back today.”
She forced herself to her hooves and teleported to the bathroom to brush her mane out of a tangled mess. She got ready, ate breakfast and caught the first train to Canterlot from Ponyville Station. Although she wanted to bring a few issues of Hat's Red Doctrine collection to entertain her on the trip she decided against it not wanting to risk losing or damaging them. Instead she absconded with another one of Sunburst’s few fiction novels.
In moments where she paused to rest her eyes and look out the window she became aware once more of the thump of the wheels beneath her and the fact that she was all alone again. Somehow it felt strange now.
Only when they were pulling into Canterlot Central did she snap the book shut. She was confident that she'd be able to finish it on the ride back.
Starlight went to a regional bank first to open an account, one that she could access in Ponyville. Then she went to her current bank, the one she'd been saving money in for years now and, after thinking it over for quite a while in line, she transferred everything to her new account. It felt like a significant move, the end of an era. It was everything she had to show for her old life. She left with a chunk of bits in her bag which was good because now she could get a train ticket home. The next thing to do when she got back to Ponyville would be to go apartment hunting.
Six months or a year lease Starlight wondered as she ambled up the cobblestone street toward Canterlot Castle. This was crazy. She was really going all in on this. She knew she would probably move in with them one day and be right back where she was now but when would that be?
Starlight stopped before a vigilant armored guard near the first castle guard house.
“Um, hi,” she began. “I'm Starlight Glimmer. I don't have an appointment but I used to work at the School of Friendship and the princess asked me personally if I would be willing to work there again and I was wondering if it would be possible to just give her my answer while I'm in town.”
The guard nodded in understanding. “Oh yes, Starlight Glimmer, come right in.” He moved aside promptly.
Starlight blinked in surprise as she passed the guard house. That was weird. She'd been gone for so long that there was no way anyone here even knew her name. It was like he just took her story at face value and let her right in without even checking with Twilight. Twilight must have been expecting a visit from her as she anxiously awaited her reply.
Starlight walked all the way to the main gates meeting no resistance or further inquiry. The guards opened the doors for her as she approached as if they were expecting her. They didn't even search her bag.
At the end of the great hall she crossed another pair of guards at the throne room doors. “The princess is in her throne room and will see you now.” Once again the doors before her parted effortlessly. It was almost mind-boggling how simple and quick this process was. She was just dropping in on the Princess of Equestria like she was throwing a block party.
When Starlight walked into the cavernous chamber Twilight was indeed there sitting upon her throne almost as if she'd been there waiting for her. She smiled a wide grin at seeing her former student.
“Starlight,” cheered the princess before teleporting straight to her. “You came to visit me. You haven't left Ponyville have you?”
Starlight last weakly “Just for today. I came into town to do errands and give you my answer about the job.”
“What do you think?” asked the princess.
“I've decided to stay in Ponyville and be the counselor at the school again.”
“That's so great to hear,” gushed Twilight. She reached out to hug her. “It's wonderful to have you back.”
Starlight raised a hoof. “Uh, but one thing. I haven't looked into therapists in Ponyville yet which I suppose I should do now.”
“I can give you some names," assured Twilight dismissively. “We'll work all of this out. I'm just happy you're here. Hey, have you had lunch yet? I know it's kind of late.”
Starlight thought for a moment. “Uh, no, not really. I just had a snack at the train station.”
“Perfect!” Twilight clicked her hoof on the floor in excitement eliciting an echo. “You should stay and eat. Want to have a late lunch in the garden?” She suggested almost bursting with glee.
“That sounds great,” smiled Starlight.
“Alright, hang on,” said the princess, charging her horn. In a flash Starlight appeared in a secluded area of the Canterlot Castle Gardens before an already set table for two but Twilight was nowhere to be seen. She looked over the tops of a few covered dishes to see a familiar orange stallion already seated there.
“Sunburst?” she blurted in disbelief. “I thought you had work today. What are you doing in Canterlot?”
Sunburst grinned back at her. “Oh, I just had a question I wanted to ask you,” he chuckled nervously.
Why am I so nervous , he thought. I've never been more sure of anything in my life.
She stared back at him in abject bewilderment. As he stood up to join her on her side of the table. Her eyes bulged as he levitated a jewelry box in front of her.
She gasped. “I knew something was weird about all of this!” She covered her mouth in shock.
Sunburst cracked open the box to reveal a silver wedding band. “Uh, this may seem kind of sudden,” he began timidly, “but also at the same time not at all. I don't believe in destiny but I do believe this is how it's meant to be if that makes any sense. We can have a ceremony whenever we want but I don't think there's any reason for us to wait to say yes. So will you marry me?”
“Yes,” she squeaked, unable to breathe.
She watched as he floated the ring out of the box and placed it around her horn. Breathlessly she touched the band with one hoof.
“Where the hell did you get a ring?”
“I bought it a couple of hours ago,” he laughed. “I've been sitting here at the table waiting for almost an hour.”
She reached out her forelegs and drew him into a passionate kiss that nearly knocked the glasses from his face.
Hat Trick sat quietly in his school desk trying to read an adventure book in his head while fighting off persistent thoughts of the coming winter break and an ocean of possible Hearth's Warming gifts that he might unwrap. The adventure came to an abrupt pause when the quietude of the schoolhouse was shattered.
“The snow is here,” gasped a colt on the other side of the room.
Hat looked up from his book to see a veil of fat snowflakes drifting silently down from above just outside the window. Students catapulted out of their seats and suddenly everyone was on their hooves and lined up along the windows admiring the long-awaited weather change. Even Cheerilee left her desk to look.
“It's beautiful,” she said.
Snow was clinging delicately to the tops of the playground equipment. The blacktop outside was slowly turning a hazy gray under the soft blanket of ice.
“Can we go out and play in it right now?” ask an ecstatic filly over the murmur.
“Not yet,” sighed the teacher. “We still have ten minutes left of silent reading.” Her comment spurred a chorus of disappointed groans from the foals.
“Okay fine we'll have an early recess but we'll finish reading when we come back in. Don't forget your coats,” she begged, nearly drowned out by their resounding cheers.
There was a raucous scramble to get ready and line up at the door. Hat slipped on a hoodie that wasn't waterproof and squeezed into the queue.
Cheerily went to the head of the line and pushed open the door. “Alright My Little ponies, be safe.”
The foals shouted with delight as they scampered freely out into the falling snow. The flakes were so big and copious now that it was almost like running through a fog. Hat stuck out his tongue to catch samples of the pristine icy lace in his mouth. Some landed in his eyes. He ran through the field with his friends, dodging snowballs and laughing. - - -
Starlight levitated a cluster of new notifications from her box in the office, clumping them together with her floating hot tea. “These had better all be about upcoming holiday functions and not mandates and new criteria,” she muttered to herself.
Apple Bloom walked by with a stack of handouts cradled in her foreleg, her eyes catching on Starlight's impressively maternal physique.
“That baby's not gonna come before the shower is it?” she marveled.
Starlight absently stroked her plump underside with one hoof. “She'd better not. Still got a month and a half left.” Her eyes bulged at the enormity of her own words. “Another month and a half of this,” she groaned. “I can barely walk anymore.”
“Yer almost there,” encouraged Apple Bloom with a smile. “A Year's a long time ta wait fer a foal. Good luck on the last leg. Ah’m excited ta meet ‘er.”
“Thanks. Hope I see you at the thing.”
“Ah'll be there.”
Starlight teleported to the counselor's office with her tea and her mail. She abruptly lost her train of thought upon seeing the stack of brand new, unboxed Hearth’s Warming ornaments on her desk. As an adult she never really cared much for the holiday. She even had a somewhat adverse reaction to it when she left Ponyville. But now thatHat Trick had entered her life her interest in celebrating the season was nearly at the level it was when she was a filly and she suddenly found herself excited at the prospect of decorating her office.
Abandoning her tea, she began unboxing the decorations and brainstorming about where to put them. She was in the middle of hanging little sparkly balls on Phyllis when she heard a knock at her door.
“Come in,” shouted Starlight. She looked to see the crystal pony student Chardonnay Swirl peering into her office. She was easily recognizable by her crimped blue mane sweeping over one eye.
“Do you have time right now?" she asked listlessly.
Starlight set down her decorations and looked at the clock, “Uh… a little,” she answered apprehensively. She still couldn't commit to either encouraging or discouraging drop-ins. Sometimes they were the ones who needed the most attention. She went to her desk and sat in her chair. “What's going on, Chardonnay?”
The filly sighed and ambled over to the pair of chairs to take a seat in front of her.
“Well you know how they had cheer squad tryouts a couple of days ago?”
“Oh, did you not make the cut?”
“No it's not that. I didn't even get to do tryouts. I went to the gym that day and they couldn't even find my name on the sign up roster. I knew I had signed up but the way they saw it I had missed the deadline. And it was so packed they weren't going to make an exception for me. I was there with my friend, Slackline. We both signed up but only her name was on the list. She did the tryouts and I just cheered her on from the side.
“I'm sorry. I'm sure you were really looking forward to that too.”
“Yeah but it gets worse. Today I found out that she actually somehow erased my name off of the list.”
“Slackline did that?” gasped Starlight. “Why?”
“Because we were both going for captain. She's good but I am clearly better though I try not to mention it. She honestly doesn't stand a chance if I’m in the running so she took me out to boost her chances.”
“You know her better than I do but that's kind of shocking,” added Starlight.
Chardonnay hung her head. “She's been my friend since second grade; I can't believe she would do this to me.”
“How do you know it was her?”
“She told me herself. She apologized to me and dropped out of cheer squad. Said she was jealous of me always being better and forgot about our friendship.”
“Have you told them what happened? They should be able to work something out for you or maybe you could even take her slot if she makes it on.”
Chardonnay shook her head. “It's already a done deal. They posted. Even if I could find a way to get in now I don't even want to anymore. The whole point was that we were having fun doing it together but she betrayed me. I'm so angry and sad. She said she was sorry but I never want to forgive her. I never even want to talk to her again.”
Starlight exhaled. “I can certainly see why you feel the way you do. Just missing your chance like that is bad enough but having your own friend do that to you…”
Starlight's eyes cycled through the cluster of framed photos propped up on her desk. Her wedding day, a family trip to Manehattan, her with her dad and her with Trixie on stage.
“You know, forgiving someone is more about you than it is them. It's true that someone can feel guilt and sadness for what they did to you. You can choose to withhold that forgiveness, hold their actions over their head to prolong their agony or just stay angry at them forever and carry that heaviness because you can't move on. Holding a grudge can feel validating and empowering but the fact is that refusing to forgive someone is a poison you both drink.”
On the other hoof, saying you're sorry means nothing without a sincere commitment to change your behavior and make things right. She’s clearly feeling very guilty about it otherwise she never would have told you. I know she said she was sorry. It might not feel like it right now at all but that's a sign of respect. If you believe someone learned a lesson from their actions and you truly valued the friendship you had with them before then I don't see why you wouldn't forgive them. Does that make sense?”
Chardonnay crossed her forelegs. “Yeah but I'm still so pissed off though,” she growled.
“I know. Don't forgive her before you're ready and don't do it just because I told you that you should. Wait a little bit and see how you feel about things later. And even though you missed your chance to be on cheer squad together next year, there are plenty of other clubs and extracurricular activities that are always open that you two might want to try together if you make up.”
“Okay,” she sighed gruffly.
“I'm going to see if I can talk to Slackline to mediate. Unfortunately it's probably unavoidable that I'll have to get the school involved if they aren't already because this is equivalent or worse than academic dishonesty.” Starlight glanced at the clock again. “Ugh… Sorry, I don't want to kick you out but I do have appointments coming imminently.”
“Yeah,” breathed Chardonnay, getting out of her seat. “Well, thanks for listening to me and for the advice even if I can't take it.”
“Just put that advice in your pocket and remember it when you wake up tomorrow morning and the next morning and the next morning. The dust hasn't settled yet. Keep an open mind about it and just keep asking yourself is today the day I can talk to her again?” - - -
Hat Trick swept his hoof across the top of his mother's headstone, knocking the clump of gathered snow onto the ground. Then he placed a little blue flower that he'd picked on top of the naked granite.
“That's probably the last wildflower she'll be getting for a while,” mused Starlight.
“Do you think this one will last longer in the cold,” he asked.
“Maybe,” she shrugged.
Instead of brushing away the old withered flowers from past visits he would simply add his new one to the stack until eventually the pile got big enough that the caretakers cleaned it up and he'd just start over.
Hat placed a hoofprint in the snow at the base of the headstone. Sunburst and Starlight put their own prints on either side of his. Everyone was here.
The silence of the snow was deafening as they stood there reflecting. Starlight stared into the depressions they'd made. At no time of the year other than Hat's birthday was Trixie's absence more sorely felt.
"I want to show her the new baby," murmured Hat, drawing circles in the snow with his hoof.
Starlight swallowed a lump in her throat. "I do too," she agreed. "We will... as soon as we can."
“Hey, look.” the colt pointed to a marker three graves down that was wrapped in a strand of little colorful Hearth’s Warming lights. He smiled at the oddly cheery sight. “Can we do that for Mom's grave?”
Sunburst looked and laughed weakly. “Sure. I think she'd like that.”
“Can we decorate the house for Hearth's Warming today too?” Hat followed up hopefully.
Sunburst nodded. “That sounds like a good idea. The snow is here, the decorations should be too. All the other houses on our block seem to have left us in the dust at the starting gate.”
“Let's get a tree today,” added Starlight.
“Yeah... Oh, there's other ones that are decorated too,” Hat declared in surprise.
The snow crunched as the colt wandered away with Sunburst behind him. They waved goodbye to Trixie.
Starlight turned away to follow them but looked back at the golden inlaid letters on Trixie's headstone and sighed a puff of steam. - - -
The three of them went into town and brought a healthy new fir tree back home. Sunburst set it up in the stand in the living room and then helped Hat hunt down the rest of the Hearth's Warming decorations up in the attic and in the closet. Starlight put a kettle and a pot of water on the stove to boil and then went out to get the mail. She came inside, knocking the slush back off of her hooves and flipping through the envelopes. She paused when she came across an official looking one from the government. Her heart skipped a beat as she ripped it open to see if it was what she thought it was.
Starlight marched into the living room which had become a holiday disaster area with the boys rummaging through half a dozen boxes. “Look, Hat,” she levitated the document high in the air. “You know what this is?”
The colt looked back at her curiously, playfully wrapped in a coil of shiny garland. “Huh?”
“My adoption papers finally went through. You officially have two legal parents now for the first time,” she smiled.
His eyes widened. “Oh!”
“You're my first foal but just barely,” she laughed.
“This is exciting. We should take a picture to commemorate the moment,” suggested Sunburst, standing up.
“We should take it in front of the Hearth's Warming tree,” said Hat.
“That's a good idea,” nodded his dad. He turned to look at the fluffy green fir. “I think we should decorate it first.”
The family focused there energy on adorning the tree, wrapping it in lights and dozens of ornaments. At the end it was all lit up and sparkling. Sunburst got out the tripod and the old camera Starlight had gotten him at the antique fair before they were married. She had only bought it for him because she was sure she could create a magical alternative to the chemically photosensitive plates used to make the negatives and she did.
“Okay,” said Sunburst, tightening the tripod shoe. “We'll take one old timey one first and then one with the new camera. With this lighting it'll probably be a three second exposure so hold really still while the lens cap is off.
The three of them assembled in front of the glowing tree and waited for Sunburst's cue.
“Should I swing out a little bit so you can see my bump?” asked Starlight turning her broadside toward the camera.
“We'll both do it,” answered Sunburst.
The two of them made a v with Hat Trick at the point standing in the front. They rested their hooves on his shoulders.
Sunburst grabbed the lens cap with his magic. “Okay, smile everyone.”
Author's Note
The End. Thanks for reading!my novels.
