Chapters View Online
Chapter 2: Windfall On Tradewinds! (by KillerSteel)
The crow’s nest of the Farsighted Pirates’ ship offered a glorious view of the blue sky, the single sea wider than all others, the sea that all pegasi laid claim to for years before that morning’s sunrise, and would claim for years after, whether or not airships existed. For the pegasus sitting near the railing, his tail stretched back to the mast, it was simply peace and quiet. Clouds drifted lazily by, the hull cutting through the top of a thick cumulus and leaving a wake behind it as the pegasus sighed, laying his elbows on the railing and watching the puff of white rise and fall like waves. “Two days straight of sailing, still no land. Hm...”
The rippling white lines were clear, even all the way up in the nest, as thin streams of air cut through the cloud from the chips and valleys of the hull’s wood, as well as its keel. It all swirled into little typhoons, surfing the waves alongside the ship. He smiled lightly at the sight, furrowing his brow a bit as a sight came to him, picturing himself sliding along the clouds, flapping his wings now and again for bursts of thrust. “Huh, there’s an idea. Cloud-surfing. Nice and safe if you find a big enough of cloud, and the ship creates natural waves...” He nodded a bit, looking up from the clouds below as he relegated the vision to memory, as the end of the cloud came and passed by the bow of the ship.
Revealing, far down on the water, a rather large island, dotted with villages all along the central line of the island starting from the edge closest to the ship, stretching on to the far side of the island. He grinned and hopped up from his spot, trotting over to the other side and looking down to the deck, shouting. “Land Ho, Cap’n!”
Spyglass jumped a bit from the shout before looking back up, nodding. “Thank you, Mr. Telescope!” His eye turned to the bow of the ship, and he took off towards it, shifting through crew members, making haste for the railing. About time, maybe I’ll finally be able to get some sleep without finding Eye Lash in my room...
He hopped up the few steps towards the tip of the bow and leaned on the railing, lifting himself up with his forehooves and confirming the sight. “Finally, Tradewinds... chance to offload all these gryphons before they start a riot.”
“A riot, minion?”
“AH!” Spyglass jumped into the air and caught a rush of wind as his wings snapped open, throwing him back towards the deck over Eye’s head. A crate fortunately found itself under the flailing captain, breaking his fall by promptly bouncing him off the top, sending him into a flip and bellyflop behind it. “Oof!”
“Not bad, Captain! Points lost for the box interaction, however.” Eye trotted around to the side of the crate, offering a hoof to Spyglass. “Here.”
“Ah, not to worry, Mr. Lash, I’m alright!” Spyglass grunted and got back up onto his hooves, waving his compatriot off. “Collided with so many boxes in the past, my spine’s harder than a blade.”
Eye opened his mouth, barely moving his tongue before a quick flick of Spyglass’ hoof shut his jaw, the captain leering at him sideways. “No, you may not test that statement.” Eye whimpered as Spyglass made his way back to the bow, a few flaps of his wings carrying him up towards the railing.
“But every theory should be properly tested, minion! Imagine, you could block a barrage of strikes with just your spine!” Eye followed Spyglass up, frowning and furrowing his brow. “Besides, I do prefer a shield that works.”
Spyglass just shot Eye a dirty look before glancing back at the island below. “You can use a proper, non-living one from below deck, Mr. Lash.”
Eye’s ears splayed back as he whined, frowning at Spyglass as he got right up against his side. “But those are so heavy!”
“Not as heavy as a pony,” Spyglass retorted, deadpanning at Eye for a moment before looking back at the island. Eye groaned and laid his chin on the railing, pouting harshly as he stared at the island below.
“So, what incredibly interesting area are we going to next?” Eye’s voice came out as flat as his brow, his horn shimmering a little between the hairs of his gold mane.
The crew was finally taking notice of the commotion, numerous strange looks aimed up at Spyglass and Eye as the two stallions looked back at them all. “Oh, what do you all want!?”
“I’d like some new socks!” A baritone-voiced stallion shouted from the back, Spyglass’ eye twitched as he snapped to a bright smile, nodding swiftly.
“Well, sir, you’ve volunteered to be, er, uh... M-Mr. Lash’s bodyguard while we’re down in Tradewinds! If you’d kindly escort him to the back of the ship and far, far away from the bow and brief him on what we’ll be doing, I’ll be sure to get you as many socks as you like!”
“Does that mean everybody gets socks?!” The same stallion shouted, the rest of the crew voicing their own hopes for new socks; bandages and boots may have looked awesome, but they just didn’t offer the same warmth and comfort of a nice set of socks.
“Yes, yes, everybody gets socks, now!” Spyglass looked back to Eye Lash, grinning brightly as he raised his brow. “Mr. Lash, if you would go to the back of the ship with, er...”
“Magnifying Glass, sir!” The magenta stallion shouted out, coming up towards the bow of the ship with heavy steps. Eye Lash took a look at him, smiling brightly at the build of his new bodyguard: firm and muscular with no imagination left to the mind.
“Yes, Mr. Glass, lead Mr. Lash to the back of the ship and brief him on our visit.” Spyglass nodded and shooed them both away with his hoof, turning around and zipping away to the other side of the bow. Though it was only a difference of ten feet, it may as well have been an entire country between them, with how much relief it brought the captain.
“Of course, sir! Mr. Lash, if you would come with me.” Magnifying Glass nodded to Lash, getting a nod in return, and the two stallions trotted on towards the back of the ship. “Why do you keep making eyes at Captain Spyglasss?”
“You ever wonder why he doesn’t... you know, polish the javelin?” Eye raised his brow as the conversation trailed away in Spyglass’ ears, though each word just made his eye twitch increasingly worse.
“Wipe the spear?” Glass replied, raising his own brow.
“It’d put some wind in his sails, if you ask me.” Eye nodded, Glass returning a thoughtful hum. Silence came down between them for a few moments before he blinked and looked back to Eye.
“Why are you watching him do that?”
Eye shrugged and waved it off with his hoof, using his magic to flick back some of his yellow mane. “Merely concern for my minion’s health, dear Magnifying Glass. Nightly relief either on your own or with thirty others can do wonders for the mood.”
“Ohhhh. Very kind of you, Mr. Lash!” Glass grinned and nodded, a little spring in his step, leading Lash along towards the aft, and far, far away from Spyglass’ relaxing body.
Now, all he has to do is keep Eye away until we land… He took in a deep breath and turned to the crew, shouting out to them. “All crew, prepare for landing at Tradewinds! Telescope, find us the dock! Periscope, Binoculars, adjust the gasbags and sails, ensure our descent is even! The rest of you, move below deck and prepare movement of the cargo! Let’s move!”
A unanimous “Sir, yes sir!” rang out from the crew, minus Magnifying Glass, Velvet and Eye Lash, and the captain turned back to the island with a smile. A few minutes of peace in the white noise of landing preparations. Well... as much peace as I can get with ponies like Eye and his pet Velvet around.
“I still don’t see why I have to walk.”
“No, for the last time, I am not carrying you there. Listen, we’re just making a quick trip to a trio of mages I know while the crew offloads the prisoners to the dock, so you won’t have to walk very far.”
“But it’s already farther than I can tolerate!” Eye pouted as he groaned, looking up at the back of Velvet’s head for once. “Velvet, my love, would you mind carrying me?”
Spyglass looked back over to her, deadpanning lightly. “Don’t, Velvet.”
Velvet nodded harshly, her head nearly flinging down far enough to smash into the cobblestone and dirt under her hooves. Her horn missed the stones as she brought her head back up and looked back at Lash, her neck clicking as she shook her head. “UNIT-SPYGLASS HAS DENIED YOUR REQUEST, UNIT-EYE LASH.”
“Nonsense, why should you listen to him instead of me?” Eye Lash frowned and looked at her, furrowing his brow. Patch remained quiet at the whole display, walking alongside Eye Lash, though taking a chance to move further ahead and away from the crazy pony.
“UNIT-SPYGLASS OUTRANKS UNIT-EYE LASH, SIMPLY PUT.” Spyglass nodded and smiled at Velvet’s response, looking back to Eye Lash as she turned back to the street, leering at a pair of passing ponies. Spyglass simply sighed at the sight and looked over the city itself, knowing the path by heart.
All around him, stone towers extended up towards the clear blue sky, bulbous windows dotting the walls in a downward spiral, denoting rooms, homes for the less fortunate of the city. The raucous shouts of bartering and merchants hawking their goods to anyone and everyone they could filled the streets, amongst chatter concerning the weather, or new developments around the city. Even the sounds of hammers banging against nails and wood could be heard, one half-constructed tower in view surrounded by scaffolding, pegasi swooping in and around it like a swarm of bees building a new hive.
Not a bad analogy, that. Tradewinds is sometimes called ‘Hive City’ for a reason... He frowned lightly at the state of the city. Shiny, bright paint, brand new cobblestone, shop signs unmarred by the weather. The city was in a constant state of upgrading and refurbishing, not a single building left to decay in the elements if the local government could help it. It all looked better than his trips to Canterlot, the marble towers and white buildings all getting on his nerves rather quickly, but Tradewinds held a different air for him.
Where Canterlot was the shining capital of Equestria, a beacon of peace for the free world, Tradewinds was a city stuck riding the tails of others’ success. Spyglass found himself looking from alley to alley, seeings the shadows move and shift in them, escaping his gaze. Despite all the beauty and glamour, I see the city still smells the same. Still, this won’t be a long visit, thankfully.
He turned his gaze back to the road, blocking out the sound of several ponies gasping as Eye Lash did something - it was always, always Eye Lash - and found the college straight down the path from him. “Finally. Mr. Lash, if you would get your nose out of whatever hole you’ve stuck it in, we’re—” Spyglass’ words caught in his throat as he looked back to his crazed compatriot, going wide-eyed at the sight.
Patch just stared back at Spyglass in a bit of a panic, shrugging, before looking over to Eye Lash, who’d managed to get his nose stuck in one of the four barrels of his new pistol. “Shum hilp, pleesh?” Eye grabbed the pistol and pulled on it, grunting as he tried to tear it off his face.
“Velvet, if you would... I can’t even hazard wasting brain power on how this happened.” Spyglass sighed and shook his head, Velvet nodding and looking back before flicking on her magic. The group approached the doors and Spyglass reached towards the doors, just before Eye yelped when Velvet yanked on the pistol.
Patch’s eyes narrowed lightly as the mare misjudged her pulling strength, and promptly threw Eye forward, the stallion flying through the doors of the college. “VILVITAHHHHH!”
Spyglass’ eye twitched lightly as Patch moved up beside him, examining the clean, pony-shaped hole in the two oaken doors. The college felt less monolithic and ominous with this change, at least, extending up into the sky with its three massive towers. The vampire smiled and patted his captain on the shoulder, looking over to him. “Well, I’d say that’s a seven on delivery.”
“Patch, a pony is meant to knock before entering...” Spyglass just rubbed his brow lightly, sighing.
The pegasus grinned and chuckled, looking back to the hole in the door. “Velvet managed both at the same time, I say. Now c’mon, sir, we’ve a set of mages to meet, don’t we?”
“True, Mr. Patch. Well, let’s head in then.” Spyglass forwent the need to knock, simply hopping in through the hole in the doors, followed by Velvet and Patch. “Well, things can’t go much worse now, can they?”
Spyglass learned once he’d entered the lobby of the college, that things could always get worse. Especially things that involved Eye Lash.
Specifically, he found himself watching as Eye Lash examined a suit of armor, trying to take it apart with his magic as two mages swiftly came over, shouting at him to stop. Oh ye Goddess, what is he doing now?
“No, no, I will not stop! This armor is too glorious to just be up on a stand!” Eye frowned and puffed out his cheeks at the two interloping unicorns, both dressed in the college’s standard uniform: blue robes with green lace, and white collars bearing the symbol of the Mages’ Union: a silhouette of a unicorn’s head, surrounded by stars. “It deserves to be worn by a true pony, preferably one not made of wood.”
“Sir, please, this is an ancient relic, you need to leave it alone! Here, let us just take you to administration, they can get you sorted out...” One of the mages, a mare, responded with a light grin. Her horn lit brightly and she picked Eye up, carrying him off in her magic towards the hall to the left of Spyglass, Patch and Velvet; the mage’s partner coming along behind her.
“Oy! Unhoof... I-I mean un-magic me this instant! Captain, help!” Eye struggled in the telekinetic cloud, which only resulted in him constantly flipping and spinning around.
The sight brought a light smile to Spyglass’ face, finally seeing at least a little misfortune befall his ‘beloved crewmate’, but he soon snapped back to a sharp, commanding expression when the mare beside him looked over. He cleared his throat, nodding to her. “Velvet, go after them. Let the mages explain themselves and take Eye to administration. I’ll just be a moment.”
“YES, UNIT-SPYGLASS.” Velvet nodded once and raced off after them, bouncing off a wall as her legs locked into ‘full straight sprint’ mode. “UNMAGIC UNIT-EYE LASH THIS INSTANT AND EXPLAIN YOUR ACTIONS, MAGES.”
Spyglass narrowed his eye lightly as he heard a cavalcade of screams and the crashing of several glass panes and trophies come out of the hall, before Patch patted him on the shoulder. “We should probably go, sir.”
“Don’t need to tell me twice, Mr. Patch. Come, I know where the mages are. Follow me.” Spyglass headed off towards the hall to the right, avoiding reception altogether, though he did offer a wave to the stallion behind the desk. Hurry or not, he did intend to be polite, in a way. Once they’d entered the hall, though, Spyglass picked up his pace, furrowing his brow lightly as he focused down the pathway.
His reflection was clear in the grey, granite floor, his hooves click-clacking sharply with every step on the polished surface, while chandeliers hung from the domed ceiling and lit the mahogany walls nicely. The air was fresh and clean, unlike the outside, silver vents seen along the upper-sections of the walls every now and again, keeping the place ventilated and temperate. Patch smiled lightly as his wings flitted, trotting alongside Spyglass. “Well, this is a rather nice place.”
Spyglass nodded, smiling gently as his focus turned to the pleasant color of the hall, the weathered yellow paint smelling rather new, with the dark brown trim taking up the bottom piece of the wall. Unicorns sat and chatted by brown pillars that stretched up from where the walls and floor connected, arching up to the peaked ceiling to support it. “Indeed. If it weren’t for the eccentricity of Tradewinds, I’d probably have come here and studied magic.”
“Pegasi can study magic?” Patch raised his eyebrow, frowning lightly as he looked over to Spyglass. “I thought only unicorns could cast magic?”
“Well, by will, of course. But it’s always been a question of mine as to how pegasi can walk on clouds and such. Put an earth pony on a cloud and they drop right through, but you or I could use one as a makeshift bed, and have it support us for days. Hasn’t that ever perplexed you?” Spyglass raised his own brow, looking over to his companion. Patch simply gave a nod, looking away in thought as his brow fell back down.
“Granted point, I suppose.” He shrugged, rolling the question off with a gentle hum, and looked back down the hall. “So, where are these mages of yours?”
“Should be in here, to the left.” The captain looked over to a door between two pillars after quite a bit of walking, right near the spiral staircase leading up to the second floor. The hall itself ended in a rounded off shape, a suit of armor positioned at the very back of the round wall, watching over the stairs. “Yes, here we are. Room 121.”
“Alright. Just going to have them check me, make sure the healing went well?” Patch walked up towards the door, glancing back at Spyglass with a raised brow.
“Indeed. Once that’s done, we can drag Eye Lash out of whatever mess he’s gotten into and leave...” Spyglass sighed heavily at that, shaking his head. Something that can’t happen soon enough if you ask me.
“Alright...” Patch looked back to the door, raised his hoof, and—
“Come in!”
“Wh—” Patch furrowed his brow, startled by the sudden shout from inside the room. He glanced back to his captain, getting a light shrug in response.
“Just go on inside, Mr. Patch.”
Patch nodded lightly, turning back to the door, taking the doorknob in his grip, and turning the knob, opening the door.
Spyglass blinked as he heard Eye shout from down the corridor.
“That was too many words for a simple action! ”
The two ponies looked to each other and shrugged, the captain sighing. Patch lead the way in, Spyglass pulling up the rear and looking over to the door, seeing the plaque on it. ‘Headmasters: Urd, Skuld, Verandi’. Wait a minute... that’s not right. Weren’t their names different last I came by? He stalled there for a few moments, blinking in confusion at the names, before merely shrugging lightly and moving into the room, closing the door quietly behind him with his hind hoof. Well, it’s not the first time they’ve changed their names.
The room was just the same as he’d remembered it, really, as he looked around the place. A dark room, shelves running along the walls, all holding up a great number of potions, both stable and bubbling, some static in color and others showing a vibrant rainbow of shades and hues. And at the center of the room, hunkered over a crystal ball on a small table, were three figures.
“Go fish, Skuld!” One of the figures shouted, a unicorn at a glance with a raised blue mane tied in a ponytail, two forelocks splitting around the horn and falling down in front of her eyes, with gold eyes and a soft red coat. She cackled as the one to her right groaned, drawing a card from the deck and adding it to her already-massive collection of cards between her hooves.
“This sucks.” She growled, clearly a zebra from the bright red stripes on her purple coat, and looked over at her unicorn compatriot, pink eyes glaring at her. “Why can’t we use magic for this?”
“Because, then we’d all win at the same time.” The third of them broke in, frowning lightly as she examined her cards. This was an earth pony, a dark caramel in coat color, her tail flicking lightly. “No fun if you can see the end of a card game before it even starts, Skuld.”
“But imagine how many bets we could resolve, Urd! C’mon, Verandi, you agree, right?” Skuld took one look at the unicorn beside her, before smiling. “You do!”
“Cheater!” Verandi shouted, leering at Skuld. “Don’t do that!”
“Both of you quiet down, we do have guests.” Urd gestured for the two girls to calm down, sighing and laying her cards face down on the table before leaning back, laying her foreleg across the back of the chair. She looked back at the two new stallions, blowing a few strands of green hair away from her face, sapphire blue eyes examining them. “Welcome back, Spyglass. It’s been a while.”
“Indeed, ‘Urd’. Things going well?” Spyglass smiled back at her, trotting over to the table. “Hope the college hasn’t laid you three down with too much work.”
“Eh.” All three responded simultaneously, shrugging in sync.
“It’s doable.” Skuld nodded, narrowing her eyes at all her cards. This, however, isn’t. I hate Go Fish.
“So, Spyglass, come to have your friend checked out?” Verandi raised her brow, laying her cards down as well. Spyglass nodded, his eyes turning a bit to see Skuld leaning over to Verandi’s hand, narrowing her eyes as she examined them as best she could.
“Yes, actually. I’d like to have Mr. Patch here checked by a medical practitioner, and I believe ‘Skuld’ is rather skilled in this field... last I checked, anyways.” He looked over to the zebra who swiftly nodded and bounced out of her seat, tossing her cards onto the table.
“Yes please, finally! I surrender!” Skuld grinned, and right as Verandi opened her mouth, the zebra chucked a small bag of bits straight into her maw, properly shutting her up. “Don’t make me put more money where your mouth is, Verandi!”
“Grrmph.” Verandi frowned and sat back in her chair, folding a foreleg while her other hoof yanked the bag out of her mouth. “We haven’t even finished the game yet.”
Urd smiled lightly as Verandi found her words falling on deaf ears, Skuld already leaning in and examining Patch’s wound closely. “Huh... that’s weird. It’s all healed up.”
“Yeah, wasn’t that bad a wound...” Patch grinned lightly, chuckling as he tried to brush the whole thing off. “I just got hit by a stake in the night...”
“A stake? Why would someone try to use one of those unreliable things on you? Oh, wait, right. Self-healing?”
Patch nodded, Skuld letting out an ‘ahh’ of understanding, smiling back at him. “Been a while since I’ve seen one of you around! Didn’t finish healing yet?”
“Oh, no, uh, this is as far as it goes.” Patch cleared his throat, shaking his head.
“Ah. Marriage?”
“Yeah.”
Skuld nodded, patting Patch on the shoulder lightly and sighing. “I feel for you, my friend. But hey, at least you don’t get hungry, right?”
“Granted. It’s more just a hobby, I guess.” Patch offered her a smile and a nod, Skuld returning in kind with a ruffle of the mane with her hoof, before turning and heading back to the table.
“He’s fine, Spyglass, don’t worry.” Skuld waved Spyglass’ question off before it made it out of his mouth. “And don’t worry about paying us, this was barely worth two bits. No, you don’t have to worry about infection, yes, the scar will heal in a few months, and yes, the eyepatch is rather fetching.”
Spyglass furrowed his brow at her, sneering. “I wasn’t going to ask about the last one!”
“I know, personal note.” Skuld grinned over at Patch, winking at him. “You look sharp, kiddo. Bet the mares are tripping all over you.”
“Oh, I wish.” Patch smiled, shrugging lightly before looking back to Spyglass. “So, shall we head off, Captain?”
“Suppose so. Not much else to do.” Spyglass turned and took a step toward the door, before he felt something grab his tail.
“...Hang on.” Urd looked back to the stallion, hoof gripping his tail tightly to keep him steady. “I need to ask you something first.”
“What’s that?” Spyglass looked back to her, raising an eyebrow lightly. He didn’t shift his stance, though his tail flicked subconsciously now and again, trying to wrestle its way out of Urd’s grip.
“Has, er... your new crewmate seemed a little off lately?”
“Mr. Lash? No, he’s been about the same as when I met him, however regrettable that is.” Spyglass harumphed at that, shaking his head. “No, he hasn’t changed in terms of personality.”
Urd frowned at that, sighing lightly as she let go of Spyglass’ tail. “Alright. Before you go, though.” She hopped off her seat and trotted over to the desk at the side of the room, opening one of the drawers and reaching inside. She soon plucked a rolled scroll out of it and moved back towards Spyglass, holding it out to him. “I know this seems strange, but if ‘Mr. Lash’ starts acting weird or out-of-place... read this and let me know. Alright?”
“This is rather out of the blue...” Spyglass mumbled, looking down to the scroll before he swept it up with his wing, holding it against his side. “And what if he’s ‘acting weird’ all the time? What then?”
“Then just contact us. It’s something we’ve been investigating, and, well...” She sighed a bit, looking away slightly, a shade falling over her eyes. “I’d hate for something to happen, that’s all.”
“You’re acting very strange, Urd...” Spyglass frowned lightly, examining her face. It’s not like her... every time I came here, she was a bastion of confidence. What’s going on here? And why does it involve Mr. Lash?
“Don’t worry about it, just keep an eye out, alright?” She looked back at him, grimacing slightly. “...No offense.”
“None taken, Urd, I’ve gotten used to it. Besides, better that you say it than one of the crew...” Spyglass sighed, shaking his head. “I will watch him, and if something happens, you will be the first to know.”
“Thank you. Hope you have a nice day, Spyglass.” Urd nodded to him, giving him a nuzzle on the cheek before moving back towards her chair. “Safe sailing.”
“Of course, same to you.” Spyglass nodded as the mare sat back down at the table, all three of them going back to their card game, and he moved back towards the door. “Mr. Patch, let’s go retrieve Mr. Lash and get back to the ship.”
Patch just blinked at the command, paying a glance over to Spyglass before nodding hurriedly, trotting out after him. As the door closed behind him, the room fell back into silence, Skuld and Verandi looking up at Urd.
Both of them remained silent as Urd frowned, rubbing her face and groaning lightly, setting her vibrant, gold eyes on the crystal ball. The clear surface surrounded all the clouds and storms held within, but nothing clear nor audible could be perceived. Just a constant churn of a stormy horizon, blocking everything. “I hate being blind...”
Verandi sighed, finally breaking her silence and moving off her chair. She trotted over to the door, Urd and Skuld looking on at her with raised brows. Verandi just glanced back at them, deadpanning slightly before nodding at the door. “Well? Let’s go after them.”
“After them?” Urd blinked at her, furrowing her brow slightly. “No, we shouldn’t intrude on this...”
“And let this whole mystery slip out from under us? How do you know something won’t happen to Spyglass before he can contact y-” She stopped, peering out the doorway at the hall outside. “You two might want to see this.”
“Huh?” Urd asked, trotting over to the door, only to see a wrecked hallway full of shattered trophy cases and dismantled suits of armor. “...Oh. This could be a problem.”
“Ladies, I think this is much worse than we ever could have predicted.”
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Chapter 3: Vexation And Jam (by ScarletWeather)
“I had no idea unicorns were physically capable of suplexing a full-grown robot through a door,” Eye Lash marveled from his position in a crumpled heap on the ground outside the academy.
“THIS UNIT CONCURS. IN ADDITION, THIS UNIT’S ANNOYANCE PARAMETERS HAVE BEEN ADJUSTED TO INCLUDE UNIT-SPYGLASS CURRENTLY. ALL READINGS ARE SET TO MAXIMUM FOR HIS INSISTENCE ON FAILING TO ASSIST.” Velvet rolled over, her legs flailing in the air with a series of spastic clicking noises. “UNIT-EYE, ASSISTANCE IS REQUIRED. THIS UNIT HAS FALLEN AND IS UNABLE TO RETURN TO VERTICAL POSITIONING.”
“Ah. Certainly, my dear.” A hot pink aura of energy surrounded Velvet, assisting the unicorn-bot in righting herself just as Eye Lash managed to get to his own feet. “I don’t quite understand what just happened. Nobody was using that armor, anyway!”
“THIS UNIT SUSPECTS THAT OTHERS ARE LESS THAN APPRECIATIVE OF YOUR USE OF THEIR PERSONAL PROPERTY, UNIT-EYE.”
“I only got a little drool on one pauldron,” Eye protested. “I was showing restraint!”
“Stop! This is the city guard! Stop, I say! ”
Eye’s ears perked up and began to quiver with excitement. “Velvet, darling, do you hear that?”
“THIS UNIT’S CAPACITY FOR PROCESSING AUDITORY STIMULI IS OPERATING AT ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, UNIT-EYE.”
“Either that’s a large and heavily armed group of pegasi on their way to arrest us, or it’s a large and heavily armed group of pegasi on their way to arrest someone else who is possibly equally dashing and prone to fits of cathartic violence!” Eye Lash produced several pistols, each levitating in his aura and each pointed in a separate cardinal direction. “Shall we go see what all the fuss is about?”
“THIS UNIT HAS CONCLUDED THAT TO DO SO WOULD VIOLATE COMMON SENSE IN REGARDS TO BOTH PROPOSED SCENARIOS. HOWEVER, UNIT-EYE EXISTS ENTIRELY OUTSIDE THE REALM OF COMMON SENSE. THIS UNIT ACCEPTS YOUR PROPOSAL.”
The two charged down the street, accidentally knocking over two little old ladies and a mailman who had the misfortune of taking a wrong turn on his way to 15 Oakley Lane.
It was at this moment that the door to the academy opened, Patch and Spyglass walking out of it. Spyglass groaned. “I’m still not sure how the vampire-by-marriage thing is supposed to work, but I suppose if those three signed off on it…”
“I wouldn’t worry, Captain. I got the feeling they weren’t entirely ordinary either.” Patch leaned back, preening his left wing. “Huh. I think I’m actually starting to develop a little bit of a membrane back here. Next time we’re in town, remind me to get that checked out.”
“Membrane? Vampire ponies have membranous wings? How- I don’t- wait a minute!” Spyglass spluttered. “Putting all that aside, what do you mean they weren’t ordinary ponies? I thought they were just academics! That’s how they introduced themselves to me before!”
“You didn’t notice?” Patch stared at Spyglass incredulously. “The overt references to seeing the future, the fact that they apparently knew Eye Lash was going to come here, the names …”
“What’s so unusual about their names? Though… now that I think about it, weren’t they something different before?” Spyglass shook his head in disgust. “Is this it? Am I becoming old and senile? I can’t become old or senile! I’m barely into my forties!”
“You’re past forty?”
“We were discussing weird names, Mr. Patch?”
“Nice save, Captain,” Patch deadpanned. “Anyway, yes. Weird names. I may not have been with your crew long, but my great aunt Star Chaser used to grab me from my bed while I was sleeping and whisk me away to exotic locales to be wowed by the children of the night there.”
“Bwah?”
Patch moved closer to Spyglass’s side, keeping the other stallion from falling over in his surprise. “It’s apparently vampire tradition. That or my great aunt is a terrible liar, and I’m willing to consider both possibilities. Regardless, I’ve been all over the northern end of Equestria, and I can tell you this much: the last time I heard the name ‘Verandi’, it was during a bonfire where a traveling zebra shaman was telling stories.”
Spyglass pursed his lips. “That doesn’t mean anything. ‘Verandi’ could be some kind of legendary hero or something, and the pony in there is named after her. And the future could just be a mage thing.”
“Really? You think three mages with the power to rival the Princess herself would be sitting in an out of the way border town? I don’t know what kind of cuckoo world you live in, Captain, but-” Patch stopped abruptly. “Speaking of cuckoo, where on earth is Eye Lash? I thought when we asked, school security said they’d just suplexed him out of the door and he’d be right outside.”
“I’m sure he’s fine. We left Velvet with him, and she wouldn’t let him do anything-” Spyglass’ mouth clamped shut. “I’m not even going to finish that sentence. It was dumb.”
“Agreed.” Patch sprang into the air, his wings flapping furiously. “I’m going to do some aerial recon. You track down the city guards and- no, if they find him they’ll probably have reason to issue an arrest warrant.”
“You’re quite sharp on the uptake, Mr. Patch.” Spyglass took to the air himself. “Let’s put our brains together. Where on earth would Mr. Lash or Ms. Velvet go in this sprawling trade city that would cater to their unusual tastes?”
“Brothel?” Patch suggested.
“Well, the Pink Fig is down the road, but I’m not sure Mr. Lash knows that,” Spyglass mused. “Is there anything closer?”
“I heard two screams that sounded like old women getting run over and one ‘oh no, my packages!’ faintly in that direction,” Patch said, pointing.
“Perfect! That’s our lead then. Let’s hurry and collect those two before-” suddenly, Spyglass trailed off, and a cheshire grin spread across his face. “..Mr. Patch, wait a moment. Why are we bothering to do this? We could get back to the docks, make sail-”
“He captured the Tomcat . He is our meal ticket. We freed several slaves, many of whom had families,” Patch reminded his captain bluntly.
“Damn you and your logic, Mr. Patch,” Spyglass huffed as the two set off after Velvet and Eye Lash as quickly as their wings would take them.
“I admit, I wasn’t entirely sure what I expected,” Eye Lash admitted as he took in the scene in front of him. “I find myself mostly lost for words and entranced by that stallion’s fantastically hot profile.”
“QUERY: IS UNIT-EYE CONSIDERING MOVING OUTSIDE THE BOUNDARIES PREVIOUSLY AGREED ON FOR OUR RELATIONSHIP?”
“Absolutely,” Eye responded without skipping a beat.
“IT WAS TO BE EXPECTED.”
Velvet and Eye Lash were across the street from what appeared to be some sort of dramatic standoff, as evidenced by both a growing crowd of onlookers and a few entrepreneurial pegasi selling the opportunity to witness things from the air to ground-bound folk. As Eye Lash had predicted, a group of about five heavily armed pegasus guards were staring down a pair of criminals. However, one of them appeared to be nine years old and was currently glaring up at her pursuers with a wounded dignity that was undercut when coupled with the fact that she was currently standing on another pony’s shoulders.
Fortunately what dignity the filly lacked was made up for by her fellow’s surplus. He stood with all the bearing and posture of a noble, and his bright blue eyes glistened with contempt. The guards had failed to charge and overwhelm him entirely because they had instinctively paused, waiting for orders.
The filly leaped from his shoulders, landing unsteadily on her feet. “Thank you for your assistance, good sir,” she managed. “I think I can take it from here.”
“UNIT-EYE,” Velvet said, attempting to whisper but being thwarted by her volume malfunction. “I BELIEVE THAT FILLY IS MISSING HER LEFT EYE.”
“The filly? Oh yes, there was one of those on that gorgeous blonde’s shoulder, wasn’t there? I thought she was some kind of grey annoyance elemental for a moment.” Eye Lash tore his gaze away from the stallion for a moment to take her in. “Missing an eye? Are you sure? She has her mane in front-”
“THIS UNIT IS POSITIVE.”
“I see… and why is this a significant detail?” Eye Lash scratched the side of his head with a pistol.
“UNIT-SPYGLASS’ CREW, FOR SOME REASON, IS ENTIRELY COMPOSED OF PONIES WITH EYE-RELATED PHENOMENA ASSOCIATED. THIS UNIT BELIEVES SHE IS AS GOOD AN EXCUSE AS ANY TO-”
“Say no more.” Eye Lash smirked, then passionately kissed Velvet.
The robot’s body sparked- literally- for a few moments before she fell over. “S-SENSORY OVERLOAD…”
“We really will have to work on that at some point,” Eye sighed.
Meanwhile, the confrontation between guard and possible-noble continued. “Mr. Space Jammer-”
“Space Jam ,” the unicorn corrected him, his pristine white coat glimmering in this sun in such a way that Eye Lash felt his heart speed up by at least three percent.
“Very well then. Mr. Space Jam, you are arrested for hurling a citizen, one Mr. Griffith Keanes, into a midden while he was performing his civic duty.”
“He was attempting to kidnap a nine year old filly,” Space Jam responded with all the venom he could muster.
“He was attempting to apprehend a known criminal and report her to the guard!” the pegasus retorted, his wings flaring out in his anger. “And you! Little miss Woe-”
“That is not my actual name,” the filly snapped. Her horn flared with a bright green aura for a moment as she adjusted strands of her mouse-brown mane, making sure it continued to conceal her left eye as she glared up at the guardsponies. “What have I possibly done that would require a griffon and six armed guards to apprehend me?”
“You stole extremely unstable alchemical reagents from the university! There were witnesses!”
“I was trying to use them to synthesize a salad. I was very hungry.”
“Alright, gentlemen and young lady, and possibly several older ladies since it’s very hard to tell when you’re in those fetching suits of town guard armor,” Eye Lash interrupted, casually striding into the middle of the dispute while holding his pistols aloft, “I believe we’ve gone far enough. Why don’t we just all agree that since I am the future ruler of the world, I can simply extend a pardon to my two subjects here?”
The guardsponies scrambled back into a defensive position. Only their leader continued to directly confront Eye, ready to spring at him from a short distance away if he attempted to fire his weapons. “Are you mad?”
“I believe nine out of ten passers-by agree that I am maddeningly beautiful, yes,” Eye replied, his voice honeysuckle-sweet. “The remainder prefer to think of me as ruggedly handsome. Regardless, I assure you that neither of these ponies are the ones you are looking for. Why, the two of them were with me all afternoon!”
The filly leaped forward, tugging at Eye’s leg. “Are you attempting to get yourself arrested?” she hissed into his ear. “They’ve been following us for three blocks, there’s no way they will believe you!”
Ignoring her, Eye Lash moved a step closer to the guard. Concealing all of his pistols save one, he brought the last to his mouth and ran his tongue along the barrel. “In fact, I can guarantee that Mr. Space Jam and I were deeply, intimately busy getting to know each other. If you saw anyone throwing griffons into midden heaps, I assure you that it was not this paragon of stallionhood behind me-”
Space Jam attempted to remain stoic, but his cheeks had already turned bright red.
“-and furthermore, this young filly was clearly falsely reported by those boors at the academy. I guarantee you anything she took was probably from some heap of objects that weren’t being used for anything to begin with.” Eye Lash smiled. “So what do you say, gentlemares and stallions? Would you prefer to keep up the pursuit, or should we switch to more… interesting methods of discourse?”
One of the guardsponies near the back of the column spoke up. “Sir, why is that unicorn currently sucking on the barrel of his-”
“Guards, we have obviously made a mistake,” the leader said, backing away from Eye Lash as slowly as he could without tripping over himself. “Those are not the criminals we were chasing.”
”They’re not?” one of the others asked, confused. “We were right on their tails through three alleyways and-”
“Of course not, Silver Spear, don’t be ridiculous,” the leader interrupted. “They are all obviously fine, upstanding citizens who I am not getting paid nearly enough to investigate at this moment. I’m sure the real criminals are at the docks and long gone by now, or will be by the end of the day.” he attempted to glare at Eye Lash, but in his nervousness it came off as more of an awkward squint.
“Of course,” Eye crooned after removing his gun from his mouth. “I’m quite sure this is the last you’ll see of any of us.”
“Good. Right, guards. Let’s fly!” The squadron leaped up, taking to the air and vanishing in a ruffle of feathers.
Eye gave his pistol one last, slow lick and concealed it. “I knew it was nothing a little diplomacy couldn’t solve.”
“Diplomacy ?” The filly stared up at him in shock. “You just threatened the guard with violence and gave a rimjob to a pistol while doing it!”
“How does a nine-year-old know what that even is?” Space Jam spoke, his blush finally fading.
“I live on the streets, you hear things depending on where you sleep, and yes it’s exactly as awkward and vexing as you think.” She sighed, shaking her head. “...Regardless, I suppose I should thank you for rescuing the two of us. Though I have no idea how we’re supposed to leave town.”
“Oh, that’s easy!” Eye laughed. “I have a pirate ship!”
Space Jam blinked in surprise. “What?”
“REBOOT COMPLETE.” Velvet sauntered over to the group, still shaky on her legs but recovering. “THIS UNIT CAN CONFIRM THAT THERE IS INDEED A PIRATE SHIP LOCATED-”
“I-is that…” The filly looked up at Velvet, and then-
The remaining crowd members - the ones who hadn’t run when Eye Lash had casually pointed pistols in all directions - winced as a high pitched “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! ” rang through the streets, cracking two windows.
“A fully autonomous unicorn-decoy android! I’ve read about constructs like you! Part automated clockwork, part high-density magical circuitry- but I thought that was all speculative right now. It was in Rhinestone’s book of clockwork theorems in the academy library, but he said that he suspected the construction of the first completely self-sufficient androids wouldn’t begin for at least another half-century, possibly longer! Seeing you in my lifetime is-” the excited filly gasped for breath and ran over to Velvet’s side, poking at her. “You have to let me take a look at her inner workings, you just have to!”
Eye Lash frowned. “That, young lady, is my future queen. I would prefer to be the only one poking her insides.”
The filly stopped. “Wait, you used her for-” she gagged. “Ugh! You- you’re just sick! Why would you even do that, she probably wasn’t constructed with the necessary functions!”
“THIS UNIT CAN CONFIRM THAT UNIT-EYE IS SICK IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY,” Velvet declared, staring at Eye with all the affection her cold, clockwork heart could possibly muster.
“Oh, darling,” Eye sighed, “truly we were meant to rule together.”
The filly frowned. “Android, what is your unit designation? And why are you using amplified volume? I think if you push the decibel level any higher it will qualify as a sonic weapon.”
“I concur,” Space Jam winced.
“THIS UNIT’S DESIGNATION IS UNIT-CERISE VELVET, SIMPLIFIED FORM UNIT-VELVET. THIS UNIT’S VOLUME CONTROL IS CURRENTLY FIXED AT MAXIMUM DUE TO A SYSTEM ER-ER-ER-ER-”
“I’ll get it, dear.” Eye Lash slammed the butt of his pistol against the side of Velvet’s head.
“-ERROR. YOUR ASSISTANCE IS ONCE AGAIN APPRECIATED, UNIT-EYE.”
The filly frowned, then smiled. “Mr. Eye? If you’ll please allow me to take a look at her inner mechanisms, I promise you I can fix that volume malfunction.”
“Really?” Eye Lash returned the smile, his eyes twinkling with excitement. “And then will you fix some of her other functions? Because last night we were about to-”
“The condition of me fixing any of those particular malfunctions is that you keep such details to yourself.”
Eye sighed. “You’re such a spoilsport, little Woe-”
“I told you, that’s not my name! Some idiot once shouted ‘woe betide you, you little thief’ and now everyone calls me that! It vexes me more than I can express!” the filly shouted, her one good eye fixed on Eye Lash with a death glare.
“Might help if you actually did tell us your name,” Jam suggested. “You’ve never said it once.”
“Oh.” The filly backed down, embarrassed. “Thank you, Mr. Space Jam, for pointing that out. And also for magically suplexing a griffon into a midden heap earlier.”
“It was nothing.”
“My real name is Utter Vexation. I realize it’s a mouthful, so if you prefer, ‘Vex’ is an acceptable alternative. I picked it out myself as soon as I was old enough after my mother tried to saddle me with ‘Safflower’.” Vex shuddered.
“What’s wrong with safflower?” Jam asked.
“Everything .”
“DULY NOTED. UNIT-VEX’S DESIGNATION IS CONFIRMED.”
“And now with the boring interactions out of the way…” Eye sashayed a few steps closer to Space Jam, batting his eyes at the other stallion. “Hello, handsome. Would you care to join me for a romantic outing?”
Jam’s entire coat seemed to flush bright red at once. “I- ah- hm, well, my schedule’s free- and- possibly- well maybe- erm- yes ?”
“Perfect!” Eye bounded off down the street. “Come then, my dear, let us away!”
Jam recovered just enough to call after Eye. “What about the other two?”
“They can come as well! The more people involved, the more romantic!”
“...This equation seems questionable,” Vex muttered.
“AFTER SOME TIME, UNIT-VEX, YOU WILL LEARN THAT QUESTIONING UNIT-EYE IS FUNCTIONALLY A USELESS ENDEAVOR.”
“This is… romantic?”
Space Jam stared at the exterior of the building Eye Lash had led the group to. It was a ramshackle establishment, with dirty windows and a faded sign. He could just barely make out that it read “Gunsmith Bird s”- presumably the apostrophe had been lost to time.
“Of course this is romantic, my dear! This building is full of the most romantic, most sensual, most exhilarating objects known to equinity,” Eye Lash proclaimed before producing all of his pistols at once. “Weapons!”
Vex simply stared at the assembled guns. “It is both implausible that you would be able to carry so many of those with you at once and that the fourth pistol from the right has four barrels for no discernible reason.”
“Silly child, of course there’s a discernible reason!” Eye crowed.
“That being?”
“Four barrels means four times as beautiful.” Eye kissed the gun tenderly, before stowing it and his other weapons away. “Now, come one, come all! Let us see what sort of individual is the proprietor of this most decadent of date locations!”
Vex nudged Space Jam’s thigh. “Do you get the impression that we have both been recruited by a madpony?”
Jam nodded and sighed. “A supremely attractive madpony.”
Eye opened the door to the shop, bounding through dramatically. “Hello, good sir or madam or possibly some heretofore unknown combination of existence beyond the two! I am Eye Lash, the future conqueror of this city, and my consorts and I would ever so enjoy a chance to examine your quality wares!”
“We’re consorts already?” Jam mumbled, turning bright red as he did.
“If he thinks that includes me, I’m going to defenestrate him,” Vex snarled.
Jam glanced down at her in surprise. “Defenestrate?”
“It means to throw out of a window.”
“I know what the word means, I’m just wondering how you’ll manage that. You barely seem to have enough magical power to pick up that screwdriver you’re levitating. Incidentally, where did that come from?”
“I picked it up on the way over,” Vex replied as she continued to tap away at the back of Velvet’s head with the butt of the screwdriver, “and as for how I’ll manage a good old-fashioned defenestration, the use of applied physics.”
“Ah.”
“Ah, well met, my… scrumptious looking travelers. Such handsome guests I have today!”
A rather odd-sounding voice interrupted the four, and its owner rose up from behind the counter. He was a tall, silver-feathered griffon with a luxurious mustache and an impeccably dapper waistcoat. Leaning over the counter, he smirked at Eye Lash, waggling both mustachios in an obvious “come hither”. “My name is Gustav Ironbeak. So, future conqueror, which of my fine wares do you wish to handle for yourself?”
Eye leaned in close, smiling. “All of them. ”
“All of them? Are you sure?” Gustav leaned in as well, his beak millimetres from Eye’s snout. “I have several that you may not be able to handle. In fact, should you be willing to step behind the counter, I have one that you and the other two adults may find absolutely fascinating to handle.”
“Tell me more, sir, tell me more.”
“Are you aware that griffon penises are covered in several-” Gustav was cut off as two bullets whizzed over his head, punching a hole in the wall behind him. “I say!”
Velvet jittered as a concealed spraygun folded neatly back into her side. “THIS UNIT APOLOGIZES. IT WAS A REFLEXIVE ACTION WHILE UNIT-VEX ATTEMPTED TO DIAGNOSE THE SOURCE OF THIS UNIT’S VOLUME MALFUNCTION.”
“You’re sure that was an accident?” Eye asked, glaring at the filly.
“Don’t be stupid, of course it wasn’t,” Vex mumbled as she continued tapping at Velvet’s exterior. “Have you considered simply renting a room in a brothel like any normal sailor fresh to port?”
“Brothels are ever so confining and lack the charming company of sophisticates like this gentlebird here,” Eye countered before gazing back into Gustav’s eyes. “Alas, my good tom, I fear we must turn the conversation to more mundane examples of your wares for the moment.”
“But of course, I understand completely.” Gustav clapped his talons together. “Incidentally, how much for the delightful death construct you are traveling with? She seems useful for a variety of purposes.”
Another bullet slammed into the wall above his head.
“Vex!” Jam glared down at her. “Once was understandable, but isn’t that pushing it a bit?”
“That one wasn’t me,” Vex replied, still not looking away from her work.
“THIS UNIT WISHED TO MAKE IT KNOWN THAT SHE IS NOT, NOR SHALL EVER BE, FOR SALE.”
“Ah.” Jam switched the target of his glare to Velvet. “Did you have to use that gun, though?”
“THIS UNIT’S CONCEALED WEAPON HAS BEEN FREED AS A FUNCTION. THIS UNIT SEES NO ISSUES WITH USING IT FOR INTENDED PURPOSES.”
Space Jam took two healthy steps away from Velvet.
Gustav, meanwhile, had adjusted his feathers and finally calmed down. “Aha, that is such a pity. I would have much enjoyed the company of a fine weapon such as yourself. I don’t suppose trading-”
“I am not sure how much ammunition she has, but based on Meadowbrook’s principle of magical collapse she could theoretically store enough to level this entire store,” Vex cut in.
“I believe I shall skip immediately to the demonstration of my fine wares!”
“At last, some logic,” Vex muttered.
Eye beckoned to Space Jam. “Come, my darling. We should find something appropriate for you and for me this fine evening! We could even buy a matching set!”
“Why would I need a gun?” Jam asked, his face the picture of utter confusion. “I’m a class-S certified magical combatant and first in my class at creating bullet patterns. It seems to me that relying on a weapon with limited ammunition which I have no training with and could easily backfire on me would be counterproductive.”
“Jam, Jam! You’re thinking too small!” Eye chided as he reached out with a hoof, pulling his fellow unicorn closer. “It’s not about needing a gun, it’s about wanting a gun! The smell of a fresh powder charge! The noise lead makes as it whistles through the air, all but unstoppable!”
“Actually, with sufficient training a competent unicorn caster could probably-”
“And when you hit your target, that crunch as the metal moves through flesh and bone, utterly shredding what harmony has knit together into unusable chunks! Those who survive will feel the scarring for the rest of their life! Ah, what a wonder is a gun!” Eye grabbed a shotgun from the nearest display rack and kissed it passionately.
Vex slipped a bit closer to Jam. “Are you feeling any regret yet?” she whispered.
“Near endless amounts,” he muttered back. “And the worst thing is, I still find him attractive!”
“But of course! Only a fool would find a specimen of beauty such as your friend here unattractive!”
Jam and Vex leaped back, both of their horns blazing with magical energy as they stared at Gustav. “When did you get behind us?” Vex demanded.
“Several moments ago!” Gustav held up a large, ornate weapon. “And in any case, my good sir-”
“Oh please, Gustav… call me Eye,” Eye Lash replied, batting his eyes.
“Well then, Monsieur Eye, may I present to you this most exquisite of my wares? I constructed it myself, and I believe it shall yield results which, based on your proclamation may… interest you.”
Eye examined the gun. “A shotgun?”
“I’ve modified it considerably. Originally it was meant to fire a short-distance burst of ammunition, but thanks to my changes in the barrel and grip, it should now fire a wide-range burst of shot capable of shredding anything within about a ten-foot radius as it spreads outward. For added fun, I suggest using nails instead of standard ammunition. I don’t know why, but they seem to result in more dramatic explosions.”
“...You know this from experience?” Jam asked.
“THIS UNIT DID DETECT SIGNS THAT TESTS OF AMMUNITION HAVE BEEN CONDUCTED ON VARIOUS TARGETS BEHIND THE BUILDING IN THE PAST. IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THIS UNIT’S DISCHARGES EARLIER HAVE ATTRACTED NO ATTENTION.” Velvet mused.
“Aha! I must have hit the right-frontal logic circuit earlier, then!” Vex crowed before leaping back to Velvet’s side and continuing her investigative work. “Brilliant! Fixing you should take me much less time now!”
“THIS UNIT IS GRATEFUL FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, UNIT-VEX. THIS UNIT ALSO REQUESTS YOU AVOID TAPPING THAT PANEL DIRECTLY TO YOUR LEFT, AS IT CONTAINS A FLAMETHROWER.”
“A fully functional flamethrower ?” Vex sighed in contentment. “Then Meadowbrook’s principles were applied! Rhinestone’s work is vindicated! Take that, Geode, I knew you were a hack!”
“It’s a pity I’ve likely just voided my seat at the academy. If you had met me earlier I could have helped you publish some of that information through some of my professors,” Jam sighed.
“Non, non! No long faces, pony or not!” Gustav chided. “This is a special occasion! I have found a customer who is my soul mate! We shall drink and celebrate through a special discount on all of these delectable weapons, which I have no doubt you will be taking with you!”
“I’ve decided to name the scattergun Marie-Louise!” Eye cut in, now levitating Gustav’s impractically powerful weapon and two more pistols besides.
The door to the shop burst open. “Thank god, we’re not too late!” Spyglass gasped, skidding to a halt.
“What are the odds of us running into three separate, unrelated incidents of old ladies and mailmares being run over during an escape attempt?” Patch grumbled, following after.
“Well, it’s alright! I’m sure Mr. Lash hasn’t robbed or kidnapped anypony yet,” Spyglass sighed. Then he took in the scene in front of him. Velvet appeared to be shielding Vex, who was currently hugging her foreleg as she hunted around for a safe way to investigate the flamethrower-panel. Space Jam wore an expression of deepest surprise and regret, and was backing away slowly from Eye. Gustav had disappeared behind the counter just in time to emerge with even more weaponry.
“Mr. Lash…” Spyglass brought a hoof to his face. “What in the name of harmony have you gotten yourself into this time?”
“Trouble, I would imagine,” Vex replied. “Are you his superior officer aboard this supposed pirate ship he travels on?”
Spyglass’ expression melted. “Aww! How precocious! You are the most adorable filly I have ever seen in my life!” he leaned down, bringing up a hoof to chuck Vex under the chin. “You know, my cousin has a daughter about your age, and-”
“Touch me and I swear that the last sensation you experience will be searing agony,” Vex interrupted.
“-Ah.” Spgylass backed away. “You’re a bit-”
“Unusually bright for a nine year old? Excessively prone to threats of violence? Yes to both, but circumstances demand the second and I cannot help the first.” Vex drew herself up to her full height which, since it didn’t equal even half of Spyglass’, was rather unimpressive.
Patch and Jam forced themselves to choke back a ‘d’awww’ before looking at each other.
“Aah, Captain, excellent timing! I found us new crew members!” Eye said, gesturing to Jam and Vex.
“You did what ?”
The sun was just beginning to lazily make its way towards the west as the the crew gathered at a table in a small, outdoor cafe not far from the airship docks. After several orders were exchanged with the wait staff and a mutual agreement made not to speak of the heavy matters at hand until being served, the group sat in awkward silence. The exception to this rule was Eye Lash, who spent the wait making eyes at the six new firearms he had acquired and stroking his scattergun. To everyone’s vast relief, the previous sentence was not a euphemism.
At last, the first round arrived - several hot drinks, and in Velvet’s case a pint of oil.
Vex stared at the tall glass of viscous liquid, confused. “You shouldn’t actually need to drink that in order to function, Velvet. Oil is a far less efficient fuel source than Sunspot’s solar spiral drive or Love Lace’s eternal recurrence circuit mapping.”
“UNIT-VEX IS CORRECT. THIS UNIT SIMPLY ENJOYS THE TASTE,” Velvet explained before draining the glass. “MMMM. THIS UNIT’S PLEASURE-SENSORS ARE SATISFIED!”
“Didn’t Crystal Geode theorize that fuel made from the remains of long-compressed forests would be capable of powering large scale vehicles more easily and cost-efficiently than producing mystical conversion cells and also less convoluted than an eternal circuit recurrence loop to set up in his rebuttal?” Jam asked, lifting a fresh-brewed cup of tea to his lips.
“Crystal Geode was a hack who denied the applied use of space/time bubble spells in the construction of clockworks which are larger on the inside, and insisted that ancient golem creation spells share no common points with the construction of self-propelled or self-aware automatons of any sort. Rhinestone debunked him years ago,” Vex spat as she attempted to levitate her own teacup and take a victorious sip. The delicate cup shivered slightly in the air as she brought it to her lips, and finally she gave up and grabbed it with her hooves. “How frustrating. Why is levitation of delicate objects so difficult?”
“Meadowbrook’s fourth principle of applied harmonic magics did state that any spell intended to preserve both the identity and structure of a delicate target necessarily requires more concentration and magical energy. You’re nine and probably malnourished. Eat something,” Jam suggested.
Patch and Spyglass looked at each other. “Those were a lot of words which meant things,” Spyglass said as he lifted a cup of thick, black coffee to his lips and took a drink.
“Don’t look at me, I’m part vampire, not part unicorn.” Patch drained a glass of apple juice quickly. “Now that’s the stuff.”
“I understood what they were saying!” Eye piped up, tearing himself away from his weapons for a moment.
“Really?” All five of the table’s other occupants looked at him expectantly.
“Yes! It was something about an academic debate on the importance of lube, right?”
Vex glared at Eye. “Sir, if you never speak again, you will be doing yourself and the world a greater service than I can ever imagine.”
“Ah, but then I would be denying the world my voice and roguish charms! It would be an absolute tragedy, young Vex. When you’re old enough to appreciate it, you’ll understand, I’m sure.” Eye smiled.
“...Are you waggling your eyebrows at me?” Vex asked, scooting her chair back from the table slightly.
“Mr. Lash, I would like to issue a standing order that any member of my crew not make eyes at a nine year old child,” Spyglass sighed.
“That wasn’t making eyes! This is making eyes!” Eye turned his attention to Space Jam, demonstrating the expression in question. “See?”
Jam’s face turned bright red. “...So smoky, yet, so alive…” he murmured as he unconsciously began moving his face closer.
“Food’s here!”
The salad plates had hardly hit the table before Vex had leaped at hers, devouring every inch of locally-grown greens and roasted nut on it in moments. “Velvet, will you be eating yours?”
“THIS UNIT DOES NOT REQUIRE FOOD TO FUNCTION, BUT-”
“Excellent, thank you!”
Within seconds, Velvet’s salad had also disappeared, along with the leftovers on the nearest empty table. Patch stared in surprise. “Kid, did you just eat her salad plate as well?”
“I have spent my entire life fighting for each meal. If you wish to shame me for being hungry, I will gladly shame you for leaving your salad unguarded in order to ask me that question,” Vex replied, turning up her nose.
“Salad ung- damn it ,” Patch groaned as he looked down to see that his salad was absent as well.
Spyglass snorted around a mouthful of spinach. “Law of the streets, Mr. Patch. Those who are too slow don’t eat out here in the border towns and ports.”
“That’s terrible, though!” Eye gasped. “If you’re starved, how can you possibly think about sex?”
Vex took another sip of her tea. “I believe that calls for another round of awkward silence. Are we in accord?”
Every occupant of the table except Eye nodded their heads in unison.
“Very good. And three… two… now.”
One very long awkward silence later, Spyglass spoke up. “Right, I believe that’s enough faffing about. Mr. and Miss…”
“Space Jam and Utter Vexation,” Jam supplied.
“Yes, you two. Why in the name of equinity would you willingly follow Eye Lash, and why are you trying to join my crew?”
“I have no family, make my way through life sneaking into the academy’s library and reading books of advanced magic, and you have both food and access to technology that the foremost thinkers of the past and present thought was a distant dream. If you didn’t allow me on your ship, I’d force you to take me on.” Vex took another sip of tea. “Mmm. What is this flavor?”
“Chickory and mint. That looks like a black tea, but it’s actually closer in flavor an herbal blend,” Jam supplied before looking at Spyglass. “As for me, I have no choice. My contract as a student at the academy was terminated today for sure. And since I saved Ms. Vex here from being captured by some griffon, well...”
“Utter brute,” Vex muttered around sips of tea.
“The guard did say that if they saw any of us in town again after today, he’d…” Eye Lash paused, thinking. “Huh. He actually forgot to make any sort of coherent threat. Well, his loss! I would’ve made sure to include one in his position. It provides extra incentives.”
“UNIT-EYE MAINTAINS HIS STATUS AS MOST DANGEROUS PONY AT THE TABLE,” Velvet declared, finishing off her oil. “UNIT-SPYGLASS, MAY I REQUEST ANOTHER SALAD? UNIT-VEX DEVOURED THIS UNIT’S AND THIS UNIT WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD TO ATTEMPTING TO INGEST IT.”
“Every time you attempt to eat something, one of your gears jams and Telescope has to beat it out of your system!” Spyglass protested.
“THE INGESTION IS WORTH THE PAIN.”
“You’re from the academy?” Patch asked Jam, deftly taking control of the conversation.
“Was.” Jam sighed. “The funny thing is that I didn’t even get kicked out because of Vex. It was because-”
“Oooh, ooh! Is it because of your burning affection for those of your own sex?” Eye suggested.
Jam blanched, moving away from the pink stallion in surprise. “No! What are you even talking about? Most unicorns are bi! You’re a unicorn, you should know this!”
“I am?” Eye looked at himself, confused. “Oh! So I am!”
“IT WILL SAVE EVERY UNIT AT THIS TABLE VALUABLE PROCESSING POWER IF WE MUTUALLY AGREE TO WAIT TO QUESTION THIS UNTIL LATER,” Velvet suggested.
“Good call,” Patch agreed.
Jam sighed. “Why is it that everyone I find attractive turns out to be- no, topic at hand. I was kicked out of the academy because-”
“Whatever the reason is, it is not the one you think.”
Jam nearly fell from his chair in surprise. “You ?”
The occupants of the nearest table to the group rose, throwing off dramatic hooded cloaks. “Yes, us,” Skuld replied.
“We have a message of dire importance for all of you,” Urd continued.
“From this moment forward…”
The three spoke in unison. “You are all bearers of a strange fate.”
Spyglass shuddered. “Will all of you please explain? You can’t possibly leave us on that note-”
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Chapter 4: And On That Note... (By KillerSteel)
Spyglass’ eyes narrowed as he felt himself get cut off, taking a moment to scan over the occupants of the restaurant - all now distracted by the rather dramatic entrance of the mages -, before looking back over to them. “...As I was saying, you can’t just leave us on that note! It’s cruel, and cliffhangers are for ne’er-do-wells and criminals.”
“Captain, remember what we do,” Patch spoke up, bopping Spyglass on the head with his hoof before looking back to the three mages. “So, to what do we owe this particular change of subject?”
“Welcome, though it may be,” Vex chimed in, currently feasting on Spyglass’ salad as he looked back to the three seers.
“Apologies, Spyglass, we thought we would find you sooner.” Urd stepped up to him, Skuld looking over the populace of the restaurant while Verandi counted off seconds in her head, watching the door. “Listen, something’s come up.”
“What’s happened now?” Spyglass raised his eyebrow, looking over Urd’s face, seeking out a hint as to what’s going on. Her expression was unreadable, though the creased brow betrayed some worry.
“Alright, this is going to sound very strange, but...” Urd bit her lip lightly, looking away slightly before looking back to Spyglass. “We’ve been hearing things.”
Spyglass opened his mouth.
“Not those kinds of things!” Urd shivered, shaking her head. “Goddess, no. Look, we’ve come to warn you about something... something a friend told us about.”
“A friend?” Spyglass raised his eyebrow, ignoring the sounds of Vex and Eye bickering at each other over food, and the feeling of broken glass under his hoof.
“Y-Yes! A friend! A friend, who is quite worried about you.” Verandi nodded, grinning before going back to her watch of the door, her grin fading into a grimace.
“Yes. Look, we’ve been hearing a lot about your travels from our friend, but recently, his news has gotten... vague.” Urd gulps lightly, getting a tap on the shoulder from Skuld. “You still have that scroll I gave you, right?”
“Of course. But why? And who’s this friend of yours?” Spyglass furrowed his brow, though his glare missed Urd’s eyes as she quickly checked the window at the wall, looking back to him as his glare softened.
“There isn’t any time, just hang onto that scroll, and look out for yourselves, alright? We can’t stay here, and someone’s looking for you.” Urd grit her teeth and rubbed the back of her neck, shivering lightly. Someone, someone, who is that someone? O-Orange coat, but that’s all we know! Gah, this is enraging!
“Urd, are you alright?” The captain slipped out of his chair and moved over to her side, rubbing her lightly with a wing. “You seem off.”
“I-I’m fine, just fine! Just, look out for anyone with an orange coat, okay?” Urd looked back to him, eye twitching a bit before she gave him a quick nuzzle on the cheek, slipping up to his ear as she did so. Eye looked over at that, brow rising just a bit as Vex stole her opportunity. “Someone on your ship is being hunted...” She whispered, before slipping away from him, Skuld and Verandi nodding to her and heading for the door. They all slipped out of the restaurant in a hurry, running off up the street.
“FAREWELL, UNIT—” Everyone in the restaurant cringed as Velvet twitched hard, a loud grinding coming from the back of her neck. Her eye twitched several times before any words came out of her quivering mouth. “...ERROR. LEVEL THREE UNIT DESIGNATION MISSING.”
Ye Goddess, could she be any more disruptive? Spyglass grit his teeth and rubbed his ear, groaning. Though, more worryingly... Hunted? By who? Spyglass looked on out the door in confusion, rubbing his cheek where he was nuzzled.
His thoughts were dashed by a familiar cat call from Eye, the stallion chuckling heartily. “Hehe! Looks like you’ve a suitor, Cap—” He cut himself off as he looked down to his plate, or rather, the plate’s remains. “Oh damn it, where’d my food go!?”
Vex, now sitting back in her seat, shrugged. The table at that point was covered in broken glass, but not a hint of anything biological was left behind. Every salad was devoured, utterly and completely, to everyone’s dismay. Patch and Jam leered at her while Eye just shrugged it off and looked around the restaurant, making eyes at passersby.
Finishing up his glare, though, Patch looked back to Spyglass, raising his eyebrow. “So, sir, since we’re all done here...” He darted a leer back at Vex, who just looked at him and shrugged, before he glanced back to the captain. “Shall we head on back to the ship and leave? I figure that, even with Eye’s, er... ‘charm’, the local guard might respond yet.”
“I believe we should, Mr. Patch. Very well, pay our bill and let’s be off.” Spyglass tossed a small bag to Patch, a waiter coming over to collect payment while the rest of the newly assembled crew moved off their chairs and headed towards the door, Vex smiling gleefully with a new spring in her step. His eyes remained fixed on the street, however, even as he left the restaurant, Patch pulling up the rear and keeping the bag under his wing. Just what did Urd mean by someone being hunted? We may be infamous, but we haven’t got so large a bounty that anyone famous is coming for our heads...
He hummed and looked over to Patch, decidedly avoiding Eye’s glance as he went back to his new scattergun, showing it the love and attention it truly ‘needed’. “Mr. Patch, amongst us, you’re about the only one I can speak openly with... what do you think of what happened?”
“Honestly, sir? That someone was trying too hard at subterfuge. Why? And why the sudden confidence?” Patch raised his eyebrow at the captain, trotting up to his side.
“To answer the first question, because the entire thing is perplexing me. Urd hasn’t given me any kind of warning like this in the past, so I’m wondering who her ‘friend’ is, and what they might have in mind for ponies like us. As for the second, take one look around and ask me that again.”
Patch followed Spyglass’ order, looking amongst the rag-tag band he’d found himself in the company of, then looked back to Spyglass. Suddenly incapable of asking the same question, finding the words stuck in his throat under a heavy weight of something called common sense. “...Granted point, sir.”
“Indeed. I suppose there’s nothing for it, but I do wish to extend her warning to you. Watch for anyone with an orange coat. I will tell our lookout the same, but you’ve the second best pair of eyes on the crew, Mr. Patch.”
“Second to Jam’s, of course, and mine,” Eye chirped, giggling quietly as he put himself between Velvet and Jam, batting his eyelashes at the stallion. “And Velvet’s... ahh, dare say they’re even better than mine! So glad to add you to my royal court, Jam... we’re going to get along just fine .”
“Ohhhh, yes, I’m... very sure of that.” Jam grinned crookedly, chuckling a bit as he flushed red again. Why does this stallion have to be so hot? The Goddess has it out for me for something... but what? I already apologized for stealing that magazine! Profusely! With tongue! What more could she want in me!?
“Something on your mind besides the best places on a ship for getting to know someone better, Jam?” Eye raised his eyebrow, frowning a bit as Velvet tilted her head forward, turning it to the side as it hung lateral to her chest.
“UNIT-JAM APPEARS TO BE SUFFERING FROM A HIGH HEART RATE AND POSSIBLE HEAT CONTAINMENT FAILURE.”
“Strange indeed. Eat something off, Jam?”
Jam blinked at both ponies, swiftly shaking his head and turning away from them, looking on at the estranged ponies on the street all watching the pirates walk on towards the dock. “Nothing! Just... thinking, that’s all. Don’t worry about it.”
Eye leered at the back of Space Jam’s head, watching his ears splay back as he felt that icy stare burrowing into his brain. “Two things, Mr. Jam, that you should know about me... one, I don’t like it when ponies keep secrets from their future emperor.”
“Apologies, Mr. Eye... er... and what’s the second?” Jam gulped, before yelping as he felt his splayed ear get nibbled on, eyes going wide as his cheeks caught fire, a sultry whisper creeping into his mind that just turned the rest of him red in the process.
“That I’ve ways of getting beautiful blondes to sing for me...”
And hopefully, said singing will be taking place behind several meter-thick walls, for my sanity’s sake... Patch grimaced, his own ears splaying back as the crew made it back to the dock, the sight of the ship offering some relief to the one-eighth vampire. A hefty promise of relief for the blushing Space Jam was made as well, as Eye got decidedly close, nuzzling his mane with a smile on his face.
“You know, there’s something that bothers me, Captain.”
“And what’s that, Mr. Patch?”
The two pegasi stood at the railing of the Farsight Pirates’ flagship, the Iris , looking on at the second ship sailing beside them as they rose up towards the sky. Patch narrowed his eyes slightly at the ship they stole from the slavers that Eye and Velvet had dispatched, ‘Tomcat’ emblazoned on the side of the large hull. “Why did we bring that ship along with us?”
“Strategic importance, more places for crew to sleep, extra firepower when we need it. The gryphon rebels may be a brutish sort, but they know how to build a good cannon. And that ship is covered with them.” Spyglass smirked lightly, nodding. “Our ship, though impressive, just doesn’t have that many guns on it. With a second ship under our command, though, many should learn to avoid us, and in the case that we find another slave ship...”
“Well, for one, we send Eye and Velvet again.” Patch looked sidelong at his captain, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t think you’d want to go randomly sinking ships, sir.”
“Well, no, I wouldn’t. Our purpose is to free slaves, not murder them along with their captors. Then again... ” Spyglass turned his head, looking back at the small crowd that had gathered on the deck of his ship, narrowing his eyes at Eye trying to put Jam in a collar. “Sending Eye and Velvet, though tactically sound, feels just as foolish.”
“So you chose not to sell the ship, because having it along for the ride is better. Despite us being able to sell it for...” Patch looked over the Tomcat, raising his brow a little. “Mmmm, estimate being around a million bits, maybe a bit more, which could then be used to upgrade the Iris to something more combat ready.” He looked back to Spyglass, raising his brow.
“Who in Tradewinds would pay a million bits for a ship, Mr. Patch?” Spyglass spat out the words, looking back to the city below them, glaring at the towers. “It’s a hive of locusts down there, no proper business prospect could ever be achieved there. Tradewinds... hmph.”
Patch scoffed, smirking grimly at the captain. “You really don’t like that city, do you?”
“It’s that obvious, is it?” Spyglass rolled his eyes lightly, looking back to Patch as the air grew colder, the two pegasi’s coats fluffing out a bit to help with keeping heat in. “What tipped you off?”
“Everything from the vitriol in your voice, to the glare like you wanted Celestia herself to blow the city up.” Patch gestured to Spyglass’ mouth and eyes with his hoof, raising his eyebrow as he spoke. “What’s wrong with Tradewinds, though? I’ve only heard good things about it.”
“Hm, well, it would seem that the local ‘government’ is doing its job then.” The captain sat down and leaned on the railing, looking back at the city before it was covered by a cloud as the two ships ascended above the cloud line. He laid his forelegs on the wood and put his chin down on his hooves, frowning. “Wonder if Greymane is still working as mayor?”
“Greymane as mayor, hating Tradewinds for an inexplicable reason, and one of the few times I’ve seen you be genuinely troubled by something. Ohhh, I smell a story coming on. Mind if I get a chair and some paper for my will?” Patch grinned and chuckled, even as Spyglass punched him on the shoulder, leering back at him.
“Oh, sod off, fangy. The story’s not that long.” He scoffed, before sitting back upright and gazing off to the sky before him. “This is rather out of character though, yes. Well, if you’re willing to sit down for a few minutes, I could use a chat...”
“We’ve been sitting here for thirty minutes already. What’s another thirty more?” Patch shrugged and leaned on the railing, facing Spyglass and folding his forelegs. “Speak away, O Great Storyteller.”
“Charmer... but yes. It’s a story from a while back, when I was getting my start as a captain...”
“Land ho, Captain!” The cry came from the crow’s nest, reaching down to the exceptionally handsome and very capable Captain Spyglass, standing at the bow of his brilliant ship, the Iris. His captain’s hat was held under his wing, allowing his hair to be swept along by the breeze as the airship drew closer to the docks of the island.
“Thank you, Mr. Telescope!” Spyglass shouted back to the crow’s nest, the pegasus saluting to his captain before shifting back to his spot near the mast. The captain locked his eyes on the shimmering towers of the city, smiling to himself. “So, time to see what all this fuss is about... Tradewinds, the Windfall Island. Well, I can certainly tell why the city’s so famed.” His eyes turned upward as his crew moved about the ship, making sure the cannons were pulled away from the walls, the sails were tied and pulled back up to the crossbeams on the mast, and all hands were on deck for docking.
As the island drew close, Spyglass turned, brow furrowing over his shining eyes, full of youth and strength, as he gazed over the assembled troopers who dared to follow him on his crusade. “Are we ready for docking, crew!?”
“Sir, yes sir!” The crew responded unanimously, snapping a crisp salute to their captain, thirty ponies strong. They were all just slightly less handsome and glorious as their leader, but respectable none-the-less. Telescope and Oracle stood among their number, the cowardly Telescope shivering in place while Oracle just wandered away on Cloud Nine or whatever he called it.
“Excellent! Prepare to weigh anchor once we reach the dock, three shifts of crew so we always have ponies on board! The rest, when off-shift, are allowed to check out Tradewinds, but as soon as I’m back, I expect you all to return as well! Am I understood!?” Spyglass shouted out, commanding, yet smooth like bourbon.
“Yes sir, Glorious Captain Spyglass!” The crew responded, and soon, the ship came to the dock. In an orderly fashion, the anchor was weighed, crashing through the water and finding solid ground soon after, keeping the ship in place while Spyglass and his crew headed off into the city. The shimmering towers stood tall above his head, though some were still very much under construction, pegasi swooping in and around the towers like bees in a hive.
“Intriguing...” Spyglass smirked, coming down to the street and starting his walk into the city, flanked by Telescope and Periscope, his first mate. “So, Mr. Periscope, what do you know of this city?”
“Everything, Captain.” Periscope, tall, proud and not in the slightest a complete nerd, adjusted his well-polished glasses and swept back his mane, taking only a moment to look around the city before responding in full. “Tradewinds is a center for trade and commerce out at sea, and a nexus for information going between several islands, including Trottingham. I hear even Canterlotian nobles find themselves here from time to time, carting in all kinds of goods and property.”
“Including...?” Spyglass raised his brow, looking over with his completely functional left eye, and ignoring Oracle cooing in blind interest at all the shiny bits and baubles put up for trade in stands on the street.
“Slaves, of course.” Periscope nodded, frowning as an intensely boiling hate for everything slavery came to being in his heart, Spyglass feeling the rage inside as well. “Though I’ve no idea if it’s just periodic trade, or something bigger here. Is that the reason for our visit, Glorious Captain Spyglass?”
“Indeed, First Mate. I’m here to investigate the university.” Spyglass looked on ahead, not at all distracted by the ponies at the side of the street trying to hawk everything they could at the exceptional example of equinity in front of them, though Oracle couldn’t resist their cries, and started buying everything he could. “Supposedly, there’s a trio of mages here well-known for their connections in information gathering.”
“Is that so? Well, we had better make haste before that fool burns all our money.” Periscope looked over at the high-as-a-kite stallion and turned up his nose, harumphing in response to his blatant abuse of finances. “Insulting...”
“I agree, Mr. Periscope. Insulting indeed. Come, Oracle, keep up! And stop buying everything!”
Of course, Oracle promptly ignored the order like the fool he was, and once the trio finally made it to the University of Mages, the druggie was rolling around a massive bag of goods, his bit bag empty at last. “Yo, dude, we made it... sweet doors, man,” He said with that sickeningly smooth voice of his. It was like honey laced with sewage, the stallion even drooling sewage as he spoke.
Spyglass and Periscope just offered a grunt of disdain at this, before Spyglass promptly pushed the doors open, light spilling into the darkened halls of the reception office. The sun of Celestia framed the amazing captain as he stepped up towards the desk, a little unicorn mare sitting there, looking on at this dapper angel of perfection in doe-eyed affection. He swept up towards the desk and laid a foreleg on it, winking at the lass behind the oaken desk between two shining suits of armor, both uninhabited. “Hello, my dear. I’m looking for three mages that are supposedly here... would you happen to know where they are?”
“Uh... w-what are their names?” The mare squee’d lightly, grinning as the silken words drifted into her ears. “I m-might know where they are...”
“Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos.”
“Ah! Th-Them, yes, um, th-they’re just down the hall, my knight...” The mare smiled brightly, and Spyglass leaned in, raising his brow slightly as he produced a rose from his coat.
“For you, my love, in return for this.” Spyglass spun the rose around and placed it gently behind the mare’s ear, the thorns having already been trimmed off. “A rose, for a most beautiful flower.”
The mare swooned, fainting on the spot as Spyglass headed off to the hall on the right, his hooves kicking up a bit of dust from the floor. The hall wasn’t all that impressive, with dusty suits of armor, ancient relics of untold power, and trophies of varying places in magic contests sitting in trophy cases along the hall, under paintings of historic mages and such. Oracle wandered along behind Periscope and Spyglass, his face getting all over the glass of the trophy cases and cases containing the armor and relics, numerous ‘ooooo’s and ‘ahhhh’s drifting out of his maw. Periscope took his time admiring the paintings, little hums of thought and acceptance drifting from him, while the glorious captain kept his eyes on the prize.
Soon, they came to the last door on the left in the hall, just before the spiral stairwell with its protective suit of armor watching over it, and the plaque on the door said ‘Clotho, Lachesis, Atropos. Professors.’
“Simple, to the point... nice.” Spyglass nodded in appreciation at the silver plaque, before reaching out to the lever for the door. “Periscope, come in after you’ve torn Oracle off that armor case, alright?”
“Y-Yes, sir!” Periscope grunted, trying to pull Oracle off one particular glass case containing a gold suit of armor.
“So sparkly!” Oracle groaned, giggling to himself as he held on with all four legs, Spyglass rolling his eyes and opening the door, stepping into the room.
He was greeted by a rather clean, though dim, room filled to the brim with books, bookcases, shelves with potions both still and bubbling, some static in color, others changing color as you looked at them from different angles, and there in the center of the room, assembled around a crystal ball, were three mares in cloaks.
“Straight!” The zebra shouted, tossing down her two cards and laughing triumphantly. “Try and beat that, Clotho!”
“Four of a kind.” The mare placed her two cards down on the table, smiling pleasantly and sitting back in her chair, folding her forelegs. Definitely an earth pony, but her thick, luxurious mane made it impossible to tell if she wasn’t really a unicorn. The zebra stared at the two cards in shock, before growling and sitting back in her own chair, kicking the table in a huff.
“Cheater,” She put simply, glaring at her opponent.
“Oh come on, Lachesis, it’s just a friendly game of poker. Also, royal flush.” The last pony, definitely a unicorn, judging from the horn jutting out just between her forelocks of hair, put down her own two cards, smiling brightly. “Pay uuuuup.”
“Friendly game of poker my butt...” Lachesis huffed and put up her bag of bits, Spyglass slowly walking up towards the table. “Sorry, stranger, we’ll be with you in a sec.”
Spyglass furrowed his brow slightly at the sudden address, the zebra not even bothering to look over at him. The unicorn giggled brightly, collecting her cash from Lachesis and Clotho, the earth pony finally turning and looking at him over the back of her chair. “Can we help you?”
“Oh, yes, you can, actually.” Spyglass cleared his throat, sweeping back his glorious mane as he looked to Clotho. The mare raised her eyebrow slightly as the captain found it rather difficult to speak, his mouth moving, but no words making their way out. Of course, it took naught but a try or two to say a complete sentence. “I’m looking for information.”
“That so?” Clotho shrugged lightly, hopping out of her chair and walking over to him. “Very well. My name’s Clotho. What’s yours?” She reached out with a hoof, smiling lightly at him.
“Oh, er... Spyglass, madam.” He smiled back, taking her hoof in his and giving it a shake. His eyes locked with hers, the vibrant blue taking him away like a ship across the sea, her gentle smile warming his heart from his cold travels through the sky. “A pleasure to meet you.”
“As to you, captain.” She nodded, letting go of his hoof and moving back towards the table, swaying her hips as she went. “So, what information have you come to get?”
Spyglass felt a twinge run up his spine as he watched her go, gulping quietly, before trotting over to the table. “R-Right, uh, apologies, ladies. I was hoping you three could help me in finding something out about this place.”
“Oh! Is this a guessing game?” Atropos leaned in in front of Spyglass, smiling at his face. “I love guessing games!”
“A-A guessing game? No!”
“Let her guess, Mr. Spyglass. She won’t leave you alone otherwise, the annoying klutz...” Lachesis rolled her eyes, sitting back in her chair and sighing. With a reluctant nod from Spyglass, Atropos hopped out of her seat and started to circle him, narrowing her eyes as she examined him.
“Hmmm. Glorious outfit with a glorious hat and a glorious voice. Clearly you’re a captain of a ship, a really good one, and a really sharp optics-themed crew with... one delinquent on board. Alright, and you’re here for...” Atropos hummed quietly, sitting down beside Spyglass and folding her forelegs, closing her eyes in thought. “Let’s see...”
Spyglass blinked at her in surprise. “Well, er... yes, that’s all quite correct. And I’m here f—”
“For information regarding local criminal activity?” Atropos smiled, finally responding to Spyglass, raising her brow in the process. “Am I right?”
Spyglass blinked a few times in confusion, before shaking his head and nodding, smiling politely. “...You are, actually. How’d you do that?”
“This school’s full of ponies who love tricks. You tend to learn how to read others here.” Atropos grinned as she hopped back onto her hooves, bouncing over to her chair. “I’m right though! Woo! I rock, man!”
“Yeah, yeah, chill out, sugar-brains.” Lachesis leaned forward and set her elbows on the table, raising her brow at Spyglass. “Alright, boyo, what’d you want info on?”
“Right...” Spyglass furrowed his brow, sitting down by the table as the mares all looked to him, including the caramel angel by his side, and he took in a deep breath. “The information I need, is on—”
“Okay, hang on, before you continue...” Patch broke in, waving his hooves. “I... I-I just need a moment here to process things.”
“Of course, Mr. Patch, though interrupting someone who’s speaking is rather rude.” Spyglass frowned at his companion, raising an eyebrow.
“So is exaggerating your story to the point of disbelief...” Patch sighed, rubbing his brow.
“And I’m surprised you didn’t once call yourself ‘sexy’, Captain!” Eye raised his brow as he sat at Spyglass’ other side, the stallion suddenly freezing in place, his ears perking straight up.
“M-Mr. Eye! Heh, what a surprise, ah... how long’ve you been listening in?” He stammered, looking over to the interloper with a shaky grin on his face.
“Around the point of Oracle buying everything in Tradewinds. Quite the tale, though! And the way you described Clotho, she sounds like a mare I’d love to have in my harem!” Eye smiled, chuckling to himself, though not many laughs made it out before he leaned back from a suddenly advancing Spyglass.
“You can’t have her.” Spyglass narrowed his eye, voice spilling over with venom as Eye stared back at him with a raised brow. A few moments were spent on the ice-cold staring contest, Patch leaning over slightly and clearing his throat.
“Er... Captain?”
Spyglass leaned back up, taking a deep breath and turning back to the railing. “...Apologies, Mr. Patch. As for your claim, no, I was not exaggerating. Everything I said was true and completely accurate.”
“Sssssure, you’re truly the ultimate example of equinity... though, er, Clotho? Lachesis, Atropos? Who’re they?” Patch raised his eyebrow, frowning. “And for that matter, Telescope? Oracle? What, you already had those names picked out? What started this whole ‘optics’ theme with the crew, anyway?”
“Alright, for your first question, yes, I thought it was strange as well. Those would be Urd, Skuld and Verandi, and if you had let me finish , you’d have learned that they like to change their names. As for the second question,” Spyglass trailed off on the word, blinking once as he sought out an answer in his mind. His mouth soon closed, eye turning away from Patch as he rubbed his chin with a hoof, mouth opening again, silently. Eventually, he found his words as he gazed back out to the sea, deadpan fixed on his face. “...I don’t remember.”
“How do you not remember?” Patch leaned over a bit, looking over Spyglass’ thoughtful expression.
“I just don’t... I know I came up with it some time ago, and I could’ve sworn I remembered it... but it’s just, vacant. No matter, I’ll remember at some point. It’s a silly reason anyways.” Spyglass shook his head, turning back to the center of the deck. “At least all the commotion has cleared up...”
“Indeed. Miss Vex took my queen away into the bowels of the ship, said she had some experiments to run.” Eye frowned, looking back at the trap door at the side of the ship leading deeper into the hull. “I offered my expertise on Velvet’s, ah, ‘internal components’, but Vex cut me off and threatened to, in her words, ‘explode my face’ if I continued speaking.”
Well, that would have been nice to hear myself... Spyglass frowned quietly, getting up and proceeding on towards the center of the ship. “Well, no matter. I’ll continue the tale later, Mr. Patch, as we’ve some work to do anyways.”
“What work is that, Captain?” Patch raised his eyebrow, hopping to his hooves and heading over to the pegasus.
“Checking the armory, to make sure Eye hasn’t gotten in.” Spyglass looked back to Patch, furrowing his brow. “I’ve left it alone for five minutes now, and who knows if Eye’s gone anywhere besides the deck.”
“Very true... well, lead the way, and hopefully we won’t smell anything besides gunpowder in there.” Patch frowned, proceeding on with the captain as Eye shouted to them from behind.
“Avoid the back right corner! I clean my guns there, and I prefer to leave it pristine and untouched by my minions’ hooves!”
Spyglass just narrowed his eyes, groaning. “Grand...”
“UNIT-VEX, IT IS RECOMMENDED YOU NOT TOUCH THAT PANEL.”
The filly groaned as she poked at Velvet’s chest, ears splayed back from the sudden, full-force shouting. “Yes, yes, I’m aware. You tell me that with every panel I touch. Don’t you trust me on this?” She pouted slightly, looking up at Velvet’s chin with her good eye. “What could possibly be hiding behind this panel?”
Velvet clicked a bit as she blinked, currently held up in a metal harness keeping all her legs, head and body steady. “THIS UNIT DOES NOT HAVE ANY DATA REGARDING MECHANISMS WITHIN THE CHEST CAVITY.”
“Not have any...? What...?” Vex furrowed her brow, frowning as she looked back to Velvet’s chest. “Intriguing... what could be hidden in here then? Best to take precautions, though.” She rubbed her chin lightly, looking around her quarters.
She’d been given a small room in the barracks, which she had swiftly turned into her personal workshop. It took quite a lot of work to move the beds, get the desk out of the room, put up a workbench, set up the metal harness for her projects, and find a filing cabinet big enough for all her notes, but it was all put together in less than a day.
Rather vexing, how much a pirate can complain about his bed being moved, though. She hummed quietly on that ponderous thought, before moving over to her tool chest at the side of the room, near the foot of her bed. Her hoof ran down the labels of each of the drawers, the filly mouthing off each one as she went. Wrenches, torch heads, drivers, spare parts... ah, here we go. Blast shields. With a smile, she grabbed the handle with both her forehooves and sat down, gritting her teeth in a huff. With a mighty pull, the drawer opened up, slowly as Vex scooted along backwards.
Held within the drawer was two metal plates with brackets on the sides, Vex looking back to Velvet and clearing her throat. “Ah, Velvet, some assistance, please? Bring these two steel plates out, if you would.”
“VERY WELL, UNIT-VEX.” Velvet nodded as her horn fired up, grabbing the steel plates inside the drawer. And with a prompt yank of her magic, she ripped the entire drawer off the tool chest, Vex screaming as she jumped backwards, just avoiding a messy end under the heavy metal.
“I said the metal plates, not the drawer!” Vex grit her teeth, glaring at the newest source of her ever-rising headache.
Velvet blinked a few times, looking back to Vex with a furrowed brow. “THIS UNIT WAS UNABLE TO SEE THE PLATES WITHIN THE DRAWER, AND FOUND IT MORE EFFICIENT TO REMOVE THE DRAWER ENTIRELY.”
“Oh for the love of... fine, just grab the plates - the plates , not the drawer -, and set them up in front of you!” Vex groaned before getting back onto her hooves, walking towards the tool chest as Velvet went about setting up the two short blast shields. Chest-high walls for the filly, though they’d barely reach up to the knees of any adult pony. Vex soon returned with a pair of bolts in her hoof, and a hammer in her mouth, muffled words making it out of her clenched jaws.
“UNIT-VEX WILL HAVE TO CLEAR HER VOCAL OPENING BEFORE THIS UNIT CAN UNDERSTAND HER.”
Vex frowned and spat out the hammer, taking a breath. “Put the two blast shields together at the hinges, if you would.”
“AH. VERY WELL.” Velvet nodded harshly again, before using her magic to cleanly slip the two metal plates together in a V-shape, the hinges soon getting a bolt hammered through them.
“Thank you, my dear. Alright, now that the defense is set up, I should be protected from any errant weaponry... short a compressed particle cannon.” She scoffed at that, shaking her head as she hammered in the second bolt. “Pah, as if that would be part of your armament. Such technology is years and years away... though, I would love to apply the theory for it.”
Soon, though, with a bit more adjusting from Velvet following Vex’s orders, the shield was set up to block any weapons that may fly out of Velvet’s chest. Just to be sure, though, Vex put on an oversized mining helmet, her good eye just peeking out from under the rim. “Alright, let’s get this open.” She narrowed her eye and moved forward, using her flat-head screwdriver to stab into the side of Velvet’s chest. The click of a latch reached her ears, and she quickly dropped down behind the shield as the door swung open. “Eep!”
No explosions, gunfire, or world-ending cataclysms were triggered, however. The door simply opened up, some kind of monitor and keyboard unfolding from inside, expanding once they reached out from the dense, complex clockwork inside. Vex gulped, peeking back up from her shield, going wide-eyed at the device now revealed to her. “What in the world...? What is this?”
“THIS UNIT CANNOT SEE WHAT HAS APPEARED FROM THE CHEST CAVITY. THIS UNIT REQUIRES A DESCRIPTION.”
“I-It’s some kind of, ah... metal box? With a glass screen, and there’s writing on it as well. Very strange.” Vex rubbed her chin in thought, tipping her mining helm back so she could get a better look at it.
C-OS MK II, V0.05
LUNACO SOFTWARE INC., 1035
USER ACCESS TERMINAL
ACCESS TO BE PERFORMED ONLY BY AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL
LOGIN:
She blinked a few times at the green writing of the black screen, tilting her head slightly. Her eyes turned down to the keyboard, immediately recognizing the characters on the board as being of the Equestrian alphabet. Soon, though, she found herself grinning, giggling even, as her hooves rubbed together. “Oh, you are just full of surprises, Velvet! Do you understand what this is?”
“THIS UNIT IS UNSURE OF THE SPECIFIC ‘THIS’ UNIT-VEX IS REFERRING TO-”
“I have no idea either!” Velvet laughed. “Do you understand? I’ve never heard of or seen such a thing in Equestrian books of golemcraft or artificing! Crystal Geode may have been a hack, but he was brilliant in his interpretation of the coal-burning external combustion engine and he still couldn’t have foreseen this! The humming aura, the magical signature- I’m struggling to find a single point of comparison. Love Lace herself might have been puzzled. This is technology the most brilliant minds in Equestria have not yet dreamed of, technology that should not remotely exist. Somewhere in the world whoever made you- well, with your memory banks on the fritz I suppose that’s something we’ll have to find later. For now…” She rubbed her hooves together in anticipation. “Yes, I’m going to enjoy getting to the bottom of this. Let’s see here…” she peered down. “It’s asking for a... ‘login?’” She frowned, folding her forelegs on top of the blast shield. “Velvet, explain?”
Velvet twitched a few times as something in her head started clicking rhythmically, “LOGIN IS A USERNAME, UNIT-VEX. IT REQUIRES BOTH THAT AND A PASSWORD FOR ENTRY. BOTH WERE AUTOMATICALLY CREATED UPON UNIT DESIGNATION. TRY ‘L01VEX’ AND ‘CLOCKWORK’.”
“Clockwork? Alright, I suppose I could try that.” Vex reached forward, slowly tapping each key with a screwdriver, letting out a quiet coo as she saw the characters appearing on the screen. After putting the two words in, she watched the monitor and waited.
And waited.
Finally, after two minutes of staring at the blinking cursor on the screen, Vex growled and looked back up at Velvet. “It’s not doing anything!”
“HAVE YOU TRIED TURNING IT OFF AND TURNING IT BACK ON?”
“Why would I have to turn you off?” Vex deadpanned at Velvet, looking at her face.
“UNKNOWN. THIS UNIT IS TO USE THAT QUERY WHENEVER SOMETHING IS NOT FUNCTIONING PROPERLY. WHAT IS THE ISSUE?”
“Fascinating. So the circuitry and magical routines are not only complex enough to create sentience, but also to allow for automatic response to queries even when access to memories is obstructed,” Vex mused under her breath, wishing she had placed her notepad a bit closer to the workspace as she tried in vain to manipulate a nearby quill to scratch down her findings. She continued, raising her voice “Well, I’ve typed in L01VEX and Clockwork, but it’s not doing anything.”
“DID YOU HIT ENTER?”
“...No, I didn’t. Er...” Vex blinks, reaching forward and tapping the enter key on the keyboard. The text on the screen scrolled away, with a new prompt replacing it.
PASSWORD:
“Oh, darn it, now it’s asking for a password? Uhhh, shoot...” Vex frowned, just tapping a bunch of random keys before hitting enter again, frowning as a new result appeared on the screen.
LOGIN DENIED.
LOGIN:
Vex let out a quiet groan before looking back up at Velvet, frowning from under her helmet. “Okay, er... is L01VEX the ‘login’ thing?”
“IT IS, YES.”
“Okay, so I put that in first, then...” Vex turned back to the monitor, tapping in L01VEX, then hitting enter, then putting in CLOCKWORK for the password. She grinned as the prompts went away, and a new menu displayed itself.
`===============
LEVEL 1 ACCESS GRANTED, DISPLAYING OPTIONS
[Access Logs]
[User Details]
[Maintenance Logs]
[User List]`
“Jackpot. Alright, ah, let’s see here. How do I pick something on this screen?”
“USE THE ARROW KEYS AND ENTER.”
“Ah, brilliant. Thank you!” Vex hummed as she used her screwdriver to navigate down to the last option on the list, hitting enter on it, and going wide-eyed at the list of data sprawling out in front of her. A few were names she’d never heard in the past, though she did find entries that were more familiar. “Well well, what do we have here?”
USER LISTING:
NAME || LEVEL || LAST ACCESS DATE
GUEST || LEVEL 0 || 210 WEEKS AGO
UTTER VEXATION || LEVEL 1 || 30 SECONDS AGO
SPACE JAM || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
EYE LASH || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
PATCH || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
TELESCOPE || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
PERISCOPE || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
BINOCULARS || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
LENS CRAFTER || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
MAGNIFYING GLASS || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
ORACLE || LEVEL 1 || UNKNOWN
CERISE VELVET || LEVEL 2 || 45 SECONDS AGO
LUNACO_TECH || LEVEL 2 || 210 WEEKS AGO
ADMIN || LEVEL 2 || 210 WEEKS AGO
SPYGLASS || LEVEL 2 || UNKNOWN
[REDACTED] || LEVEL 3 || 238 WEEKS AGO
[REDACTED] || LEVEL 3 || 240 WEEKS AGO
[REDACTED] || LEVEL 3 || 245 WEEKS AGO
[REDACTED] || LEVEL 3 || UNKNOWN
[REDACTED] || LEVEL 4 || 270 WEEKS AGO
“Oh, wow, there’s a lot of things here... though, why is my name in there?” Vex tilted her head slightly to the side, blinking at the names. “What even is all this? You have everyone in the crew and several more besides. If I’m here, and the others are there… is this a log of some sort?”
Suddenly, the entry for ‘Cerise Velvet’s’ last access date switched to ‘0 SECONDS AGO’, something in Velvet’s head clicking again. “UNLESS THIS UNIT IS HORRIBLY MISTAKEN, YOU HAVE FOUND THE ACCESS TERMINAL.”
“Terminal? What’s that?”
“A MECHANISM USED TO ACCESS DATA AND INFORMATION STORED ELECTRONICALLY WITHIN THIS UNIT’S CLOCKWORK AND DATA STORAGE. OTHERWISE KNOWN AS A ‘COMPUTER’.”
“A ‘computer’?” Vex deadpanned harder at Velvet’s chin, jaw hanging open a little in utter confusion. “I mean, I understand the flamethrower, the scatter gun, some kind of... I don’t know, bomb launcher in your hips, but this is certainly not technology I’ve ever seen before. Velvet, who on earth could have created something like you?”
“THIS UNIT IS A CLOCKWORK MACHINE. DATA BEYOND THIS IS UNKNOWN.”
“Of course... not only full of surprises, but full of mysteries as well. Well, I’ll take care of this thing in a moment, still have to fix your volume control so my hearing doesn’t blow out just from asking you questions. How do you fold it back up?” Vex looked around the monitor for some kind of switch, or lever that would be used to push the machine back into Velvet’s chest. But, before she could touch anything, the monitor and keyboard simply folded up on their own, receding back into the machine’s chest before the chest compartment slammed shut. “Oh... that’s convenient.”
“THIS UNIT IS PLEASED TO ASSIST, AND SHE WOULD FIND IT USEFUL TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL HER VOCAL DECIBEL LEVEL AGAIN.”
“Of course. Just a moment! Oh, and dismantle this shield, if you would.” Vex popped her helmet off and let it fall to her side before she picked up her screwdriver, and hopped back to her work.
As Velvet worked on unhinging the blast shields, and Vex made it around to the mare’s side, they both stopped as their ears picked up a sound. The sound of a distant boom.
“Ohhh, of all the things to happen right now...” Vex sighed before immediately rocketing into a scream, as an explosion shook the ship. A bell up on deck started ringing, and the belly of the ship suddenly roared with shouted orders and the hoofsteps of sprinting ponies.
“All crew, all crew! Everyone to the deck! Get your swords and firearms, we’ve got slavers!” a voice shouted from the hall, Vex sighing as she started unhooking Velvet from her harness.
“Go, Velvet, they need you up there. But as soon as this is done, come back here so I can do more work, alright?”
“OF COURSE, UNIT-VEX.” With a quick nod and a hop, Velvet took off towards the door, throwing it open with her magic and running out into the hall, on her way towards the deck. Vex simply sighed and walked over to the door, closing it.
“Well, not much point for me to be up there.” She looked back to her room, brow furrowing slightly as she shifted her mane with a hoof a little. “Hmm... well, guess I could think of ways to defend myself, in case someone breaks into the ship. Blowing myself up is effective, but as the wise ones say, ‘you can do anything once; the problem is doing it twice’.” With a smirk and a scoff, she walked on over to her workbench, pulled over a notepad, and started scribbling.
A moment later, her pen scratched to a stop. “Redacted… access 238 weeks?” she mumbled.
Lifting her pen once again, Vex began to sketch a detailed model of the terminal. Self-defense could come later. For now, there was only the one problem filling her mind.
Mystery Artificer, who are you? And why would you build this?
All the while, roars and shouts came from above deck, as Spyglass rallied his crew against the approaching battleship. His shouts reached the ears of his assembled crew, even as his ship turned with a creak, falling in behind the Tomcat , cannon bays opening up and displaying the myriad of guns at his command. “Alright, boys, this is what you’ve all been working to do, and have been doing for a while! Usual assault plan, we’re going to open with a barrage, then move in behind the Tomcat towards the enemy ship! Once we’re close enough, hooks will be thrown over with ropes, and all pegasi will engage when they’re able!”
“Sir, yes sir!” The crew shouted out, one squeaky Telescope with his rifle clutched in his quivering hooves falling just out of tune of the others.
“Good! Rifles first, then cross and use your swords! Don’t bother with reloads, and let Mr. Eye and Miss Velvet lead the way!” Spyglass leered out over his crew, even as a cannonball ripped by the two ships, and the Tomcat started to return fire. “Am I understood!?”
“Crystal clear, sir!” the crew shouted, Telescope squealing as another round shot tore past the hull, obliterating a cloud behind the Iris with its explosion.
“Excellent! Marksponies, to your positions! Boarding parties, take cover! Wait until we’re close!” Spyglass grit his teeth as he ducked down, a trio of cannonballs tearing by him, thankfully missing the others who ducked in time. “Get moving! Telescope, up in the crow’s nest, now!”
“Y-Yes sir, moving!!” Telescope shrieked, fluttering his wings as he rushed over to the mast and started fighting his way up the ladder. His breath raced, his heart pounded, his rifle nearly slipped right out of his wing’s grip from all his shaking. Oh Goddess, oh Goddess, please, I don’t wanna die here...! He gulped hard, climbing up to the crow’s nest, and finally, he heard the crew’s battle cry, triumphant and powerful.
“A bullet for every enemy’s eye, and the slavers go blind! Let’s get ‘em!! ”
Chapter 5: Shoot To Thrill (By KillerSteel)
I’m ready to kill...
Eye Lash grinned to himself as he stood on the deck of the Iris , watching the Tomcat maneuver around in a slow left turn, cannons firing in a barrage at the enemy ship. The three combat vessels had drawn closer together by this point, revealing the enemy ship to the entire crew.
A monolithic ship covered in guns, massive enough to hold a thousand ponies, riding under a massive gasbag large enough to blot out the sun, casting a shadow over the crew. “By the Goddess, that ship is beautiful ...” Eye shuddered through the blasts of cannon fire, looking over the jet black metal of the ship’s three hundred meter long hull, the thick steel cabling holding it to the gasbag a good fifty meters up above the ship, the rows upon rows of heavy cannons making up its broadside firepower.
The stallion felt himself quake at the sight of it, salivating. He'd heard about ships like this. Only a few in the world existed, carrying a nation's absolute best in technology and firepower, covered in cannons from bow to stern. The floating natural disasters that made up the centers of air fleets across Equestria and lands beyond. The one vessel that, on its own, could level cities.
The Dragon-class battleship. I must... nay, I need that ship.
Another wave of cannonballs ripped through the sky as the enemy ship let loose its fire, the side of its hull covered in fire and smoke from the hundred cannons all firing at once. The hail of death tore past Eye as he looked on, the crew all around him screaming in horror.
“Captain, the mast’s been hit!”
“It’s teetering!”
“Fire on the stern!”
“Goddess, help us!”
The words barely reached the stallion as he stepped up to the railing, giggling to himself. “A ship truly fitting an emperor.”
“UNIT-EYE, IT IS LOGICAL TO DUCK DURING AN ENEMY’S BARRAGE ON OUR POSITION.” The sudden booming voice from Velvet snapped Eye out of his concentration, and he turned, spotting numerous crew members performing hasty repairs on the ship. Periscope ran alongside two members towards the bow, a raging fire starting to spread from one of the shells hitting them, while Binoculars and five others hurried to repair the mast, a squealing pegasus hanging on for dear life in the crow’s nest, rifle hanging from his neck.
“Pah, it is merely cannon fire, my dear. Their accuracy at this range is abysmal.” Eye shrugged, looking past the mare at his side towards the mast. A great hole had been blown through it, metal plates being patched onto it and hurriedly hammered into place through railway spikes. “Then again, that is quite a bit of damage.”
“What are you two lollygagging around for!?” Spyglass shouted before swatting Eye in the back of the head with his wing, glaring at the two. “Get to the bow and support the marksponies!”
“Ow!” Eye winced from the smack of Spyglass’ wing, leering back at him. “What was that for!?”
“For staring into space while a battleship lynches us, now get moving!” A swift shove from the captain set Eye tumbling, hitting Velvet and rolling over her, flopping onto the deck after a quick flip. “Velvet, get over there!”
“ACKNOWLEDGED, UNIT-SPYGLASS. COME, UNIT-EYE.” Velvet turned and grabbed Eye under her foreleg, flipping him up onto her back before rushing off to the bow.
“Barrage incoming!!” Telescope shouted from the crow’s nest, before his voice was cut off by the swift series of booms from the enemy’s cannons.
“Hit the deck!” Spyglass screamed before ducking, feeling the wind be ripped to shreds by the wall of explosive lead and metal racing past his ship, deafening in its force. Fire consumed the sky as the shells made it past the ship, exploding with incredible force and knocking the ship towards the Dragon, numerous crewmembers taking flight to avoid being thrown overboard. “Why are they exploding when they haven’t hit anything!?”
“I don’t know, sir, but the ship’s getting close! They’re turning towards us!” Periscope rushed over to Spyglass’ side, pulling him back onto his hooves and carrying him towards the mast. “Telescope’s up in the crow’s nest, but we can’t get a good shot at this range!” He took a quick look back, the massive black monster turning towards the Iris as the Tomcat returned fire, numerous explosions lighting up all over the Dragon’s bow.
Spyglass panted as he looked back at the ship, gritting his teeth through the sweat pouring down his face. “Alright, get the crew together below deck, load all cannons and fire at the cables supporting the ship! We’ll cut its lifeline!”
“Don’t sink it!” Eye shouted from the bow, Velvet sat next to him with a rifle in her hooves, taking aim at the ship. “We’re taking it!”
“Bullshit, Lash, that thing is going to kill us! All crew, maintain position in front of the battleship! It doesn’t have any guns there!” Spyglass shouted, the crew all managing a strained ‘Aye aye!’ while huddling behind cover, the marksponies at the front of the ship taking what shots they could at the monstrosity racing towards them. The captain gulped as he stared at the ship, leaving his gun at his side as the shadow of the enemy’s gasbag fell over them. “Oh bollocks, they’re going to ram us...”
“A ship that big is going to do a lot more than just break us in half if it hits, sir... what do we do?” Periscope looked to his captain, body trembling with fear. “Its got cannons all over it, and we aren’t close enough to...”
“No, we are. We need to fly Eye and Velvet over.” Spyglass furrowed his brow, looking back to his first mate. “Get Patch and go to the bow. You’re flying them over to the deck.”
“Sir? But, the distance is massive!” Periscope quickly looked towards the monolith of a ship, a massive rain cloud being torn in half by its hull.
“It won’t be in a minute, now go get him!” Spyglass shoved Periscope towards the back of the ship, before spreading his wings. “I need to have a word with our lookout.” Without waiting for an answer, he launched himself up from the deck, racing up towards the crow’s nest. He grabbed onto the railing of the crow’s nest and threw himself into it, his first shout at the quivering pegasus in front of him drowned out by the cannon fire of the Iris and Tomcat .
His second wasn’t hindered, though. “Telescope, you blithering pile of cowardice, what are you doing!?”
“Ahhh!” Telescope screamed, clutching his rifle to his body and staring wide-eyed at his captain, shivering up a storm as his wings quickly wrap around him. “C-Captain! I-I—
“Save it, Telescope, we need you here!” Spyglass marched over to the stallion and grabbed the back of his head, pulling him up to the captain’s eyes. “You’re here to guard the crew, and you know exactly why you were put up here as our lookout! You’ve the best eyes we have, and here you are, wasting them!”
Telescope squealed, trembling under Spyglass’ grip. “B-But, we can’t kill them, sir!”
“Bollocks! You have a gun, and they all can bleed! Apply a bullet to their cranium and they die!” The captain picked Telescope up, spun him around and slammed him back down onto the floor of the crow’s nest. “Raise your rifle!”
“But—”
“Raise it!!”
Telescope screamed under the shout, fumbling his rifle before raising it, breathing harshly as he laid it on the railing, aiming at the enemy ship. His rifle jittered against the railing as Telescope panted, a raspy gulp racing down his throat as the battleship flew towards them, the screaming of its four gigantic engines finally reaching everyone’s ears. The bolt holding the chamber closed even shook a little itself, tapping against the cartridge already loaded.
“Alright. Listen to me, Telescope.” Spyglass kept his voice level, his glare burning a hole into the back of Telescope’s head. “Everyone below you, and in the other ship, are all fighting for their lives.”
“I-I know...”
“I know you know. But you aren’t doing anything to help protect them.” Spyglass moved up beside Telescope, looking on as the Iris fired another broadside barrage, several wires snapping on the battleship, swiftly caught up by the enemy crew flying around above the ship. “I know this is hard. You rarely partake in these battles, but I know you know how to use a gun. I need you, like every other markspony under my command, to use that rifle of yours, and keep us alive.”
Telescope sniffled, blinking through the tears as he fought to keep his rifle steady. His wings flitted uselessly under his raised forelegs, just wrapped around him in a defensive position. His heart pounded in his ears even louder than the cannons down below, the sound of gunfire hitting his ears as the marksponies all took their shots, ducking down behind cover before return fire could rip them to pieces. Blood splattered across the deck as another crewmate was hit, Periscope shouting out for a medic.
This is worse than anything we’ve gone through... h-how can I help? I’m, I-I just...
“Telescope.”
Telescope flinched at the sudden call, his eyes slowly turning to Spyglass. “S-Sir...?”
“...You’ve been our lookout for a long time now, and I honor and respect you for that. But you’ve always stayed behind us during a fight, never firing a shot.” Spyglass looked over to Telescope, a cold fire held within as his brow gently furrowed. “I’ve found myself wondering if you really should be on this ship.”
“But...”
“No buts. When a fight starts, you’re the first to run. First to find something to hide behind. And you stay there until you stop hearing gunfire.” The captain’s brow furrowed further, the beginnings of a glare showing in his eyes. “Show me you deserve to be here. Take up your rifle, and show the whole crew that you can defend them when they’re in trouble. Every pony I’ve ever seen has the capacity for strength and bravery, and in war, it is demanded of every soldier participating. This isn’t war between nations, but lives are at stake all the same.”
“I... I-I just can’t, Captain... I can’t take them all...”
“Then take as many as you’re able. You aren’t the only shooter here.” Spyglass sat down beside the stallion, spreading his wings lightly and laying one across Telescope’s back. “Focus on my voice... I’ll direct your fire. Block out every other sound. When I say aim, pick a target. When I say fire, shoot.”
“S-Sir...” Telescope looked back at the wing across his back, then up to his captain, his resolute eye focused on the enemy ship. Even as explosions rang out, and the screams of his crew reached his ears, he never flinched, never winced, never even cried out in surprise. Quiet, powerful, steady.
The lookout took a deep breath and looked back to the enemy ship, taking proper hold of his rifle. His brow furrowed, and he controlled his shivering, bringing it down to something more manageable.
“Aim.”
Telescope pointed his rifle at one of the moving shadows on the battleship. Below his vision, Patch and Periscope flew across the distance between the Iris and the enemy ship, carrying a pair of ponies with them. Before his mind could change its focus, however, Spyglass’ command reached his ears.
“Fire.”
“Oh, this is exhilarating! ” Eye shouted, laughing as bullets whizzed past him, firing a trio of shots at the gryphon near the bow of the battleship, putting him down in a hail of his own blood. “I’ve never been flown across cannon and gunfire before!”
“UNIT-EYE, IT WOULD BE GOOD TO FOCUS MORE ON KILLING HOSTILES AND LESS ON EXPLAINING YOUR—” Velvet stopped speaking to take a potshot with her rifle, Patch yelping as the recoil set him back a bit on his flight path. The gryphon targeted went down, clutching at his chest and firing a wild pistol shot at Patch, the bullet missing by a mile. “EXUBERANCE IN COMBAT.”
“Apologies, my queen!” Eye grinned, reaching up and patting Periscope on the shoulder. “And thank you, love, for carrying me across. Your sacrifice shan’t be forgotten.”
“As if I plan on dying here, Mr. Lash. Just do what you and Velvet did on the Tomcat , and we’ll be fine. Here comes the railing... Patch, ready?” Periscope huffed as he dove down towards the underside of the battleship’s railing, next to the extended keel.
“Ready!” Patch smirked, moving alongside him, though he struggled to handle the android’s weight.
“Go!” Periscope grunted as he pulled back, and threw Eye up to the railing, the stallion snagging the wood with his forehooves. Patch grunted, throwing Velvet up about half the height required, and she quickly dropped back down, landing on his head.
“Oof!” The stallion flailed under Velvet’s rump, his face firmly lodged in it. “Mmmmph!!”
“APOLOGIES, UNIT-PATCH.” Velvet’s horn lit up, before she vanished in a blast of light, appearing on the deck. Eye soon hauled himself up and flopped to the deck beside her, quickly jumping back to his hooves.
The sight before him was incredible.
All over the three hundred meter long deck, gryphons flew as they tried to snag the snapped cables to the gasbag and repair them, others firing across the quickly closing space between the ships from the deck itself. All eyes turned to the two interlopers, though, and soon, all guns were trained on them.
“Greetings, gentlebirds!” Eye grinned as his magic caught a gryphon, dragging him over in front of him as a shield, all six of his pistols lining up in an outline of the bird in his grasp. Velvet brought her own two pistols out, aiming to her sides to cover Eye’s flank. “Apologies for the sudden intrusion! Might I suggest evacuating the ship and saving all your sorry hides?”
“Run from two little ponies? Ha!” One of the gryphons shouted, inciting some laughter amongst his crew as several riflebirds took aim at the Iris . “We’re just gonna break your ship in half anyways. Think you can take all of us?”
“Well, certainly! I’m the one with a shield, after all. So, who’s up for—”
A gryphon’s head suddenly splattered across the deck, Eye stopping as he saw this.
“Er... as I was saying, who’s up fo—”
Another gryphon was shot, this one through the heart, the bullet ripping through his leather armor and scattering blood across the floor, sending him to the ground. Eye furrowed his brow, taking in a breath. He put out only a word before another shot rang out, shredding the claw of a gryphon marksbird, though he only managed a short shriek before his brains were blown across the railing of the ship.
“Really? You’re all just—”
Another shot, another dead gryphon. The crew started to scatter, Eye groaning as he took up his aim and rose his voice.
“Going to—”
Bang.
“Okay, stop—”
Bang.
“Whoever’s—”
Bang.
Eye roared in frustration and looked back at the mare behind him. “Velvet, stop shooting them!”
“THIS UNIT HAS NOT YET FIRED A SHOT.”
“Then who the hell is killing all of them!?”
During that little exchange, six more gryphons were blasted, their blood painting the dark brown of the wooden deck.
“Who’s sniping us!?” One of the officers shouted, the gryphons all diving for cover as two more bullets ricocheted off the deck, shooting up through the chins of two birds and sending them down to the deck in a shriek of pain. “Return fire! And kill those two while you’re at it!”
“Seriously? Not even going to let me monologue!?” Eye shouted, rolling his eyes. “Fine! Get ready to—”
Bang, and the officer was down in his own pool of blood, back of his head blown open from the high-velocity round.
“Stop—”
Bang.
“Interrupting—”
Bang.
“Me!”
Bang.
“Oh screw it, shoot them!”
Three more shots rang out as Eye went for his triggers, and he popped off the full array of bullets he had in his guns, blindly fired into the rapidly shrinking crowd of living gryphons. He blinked a few times as no more screams reached his ears, his shots not even ripping a response out of whatever he shot. He leaned over slightly, just as a sniper bullet splattered the brains of his bird shield across the deck.
All the gryphons on the deck had been shot, a single hole in each corpse either through the forehead, an eye, the throat, or the heart, piercing armor and cover alike, while four corpses in particular had a myriad of other holes shot randomly into them, close enough to Eye for them to be his bullet holes. Eye just frowned, tossing his shield to the side and going through the process of reloading his pistols, eyes narrowing slightly. Velvet stepped up to his side, neck clicking as she looked over to him.
“IS UNIT-EYE DISTURBED BY THIS?”
“...No, no. Not... not disturbed.” Eye blinked, looking back at the Iris , seeing two more shots be fired from the crow’s nest of the ship, then the sound of glass shattering as the rounds found purchase on the command tower of the battleship. “Just disappointed.”
“THERE IS LIKELY TO BE MORE HOSTILES WITHIN THE HULL ITSELF.”
The stallion’s eyes lit up at that, a grin soon crossing his face as he charged off across the deck, skidding a bit on the numerous pools of blood from the corpses as he shouted back to Velvet. “V-Very true! Woah... let’s be off! We should hit the bridge first!”
“WHY THE BRIDGE?” Velvet shouted, before she heard the cacophonous screeching of wood and metal as two ships collided, the bow of the battleship slamming right into the starboard-stern of the Iris.
“I think that sound should answer your question, now let’s go!” Eye grit his teeth as he spun around and kicked open the door to the control tower, rushing inside and bringing all his guns to bare, including his scattergun. “I am not going to let one of our shooters take all my kills.” Velvet ran up beside him, and the two rushed inside, gunfire lighting up within the metal confines of the tower as the gryphons tried to stop their advance on the bridge.
“Holy mother of Celestia...” Spyglass brought himself back up from the railing of the crow’s nest, rubbing his nose after pulling it out of the small dent he’d made in the wood. He looked over to Telescope, the stallion’s mane drifting in the wind as he raised his rifle slightly, smoke pouring from the end. He simply pulled the bolt back on the rifle, popping the empty cartridge out, and slipped a new one in from the undone belt at his side.
“W-Well, uh... g-guess you were right, Captain... hehe.” The lookout grinned sheepishly, looking out over the carnage as the windows of the enemy bridge lit up with the pops of gunshots. “I, um... got as many as I could...”
“T-Telescope, where in Tartarus did you learn this? That rifle doesn’t even have a scope, both ships were moving, all those gryphons were running around... even when they surrounded Mr. Lash and Ms. Velvet, that was...” Spyglass stammered, eye twitching slightly. He looked down at the spent casings next to Telescope, each one still a little hot from their use, and he looked over to the battleship, the screech of its engines coming down as the ship slowed to a crawl. “Thirty shots...”
“And thirty dead gryphons,” Telescope finished, smiling to himself. “G-Guess my old master taught me a lot more about guns than I thought.”
“Right, him... Flintlock was his name, wasn’t it?” Spyglass got back to his hooves, grunting as he looked back to the ship. “You certainly picked up a lot.”
“Hard not to... you spend every day caring for all those weapons like they’re your children, you have to learn how to use them. From the humble muzzle-loaded pistol, to the mighty bolt-action rifle and six-shot revolver.” Telescope looked down to his rifle, frowning lightly as he stared at the silver barrel leading back to the bolstered receiver, a fat box of polished metal on a bed of waxed redwood, and the shiny trigger located under it, no guard around it to make sure his hoof could pull it. “All the practice spent during his hunts, too...”
“...I’m going to go check on the crew, get the injured below deck. Keep an eye on the battleship while we come around.” Spyglass spread his wings and hopped up onto the railing of the crow’s nest, looking back at Telescope with a grim expression. “You know what to do if you see trouble.”
“Yes sir...” Telescope nods, taking in a deep breath and turning back to the battleship, now stopped fully behind the Iris , and took aim with his rifle. “I can do this...”
“You certainly can, Telescope.” The captain offered him a smile before hopping off the crow’s nest, and gliding down to the deck. And likely far better than any other sniper I’ve ever seen...
Eye pulled the trigger on his four-barreled pistol, shooting another gryphon in the face, the bird flopping backwards onto the new pile of dead bodies that had blocked off yet another hallway the two ponies had been walking down. He frowned and scratched his temple with the hammer of his fired pistol, humming as he looked over the area he and Velvet were in. “This place is a maze, isn’t it?”
“THE SHIP’S INNARDS ARE INDEED BUILT TO A DIFFERENT DESIGN THAN MOST, THIS UNIT AGREES.”
The two ponies looked over the green metal walls of the hall, the design being exactly the same as when they entered the belly of the ship from the command tower’s blast doors. Instead of an open floor design, where everything could either be seen from the stairs, or only have a set of rooms along a single hall, the battleship had been built into multiple halls connected to rooms featuring a number of doors. The sign hanging over Eye, though featuring a few bullet holes, still displayed ‘MESS HALL’ proudly.
“A sign that doesn’t actually point anywhere. Hmph.” Eye frowned, deadpanning at it.
“PERHAPS THIS UNIT AND UNIT-EYE MERELY BLOCKED THE PATH TO THE MESS HALL WITH THESE CORPSES?” Velvet looked over to her partner, finishing the reload on her guns.
“Nonsense! A pair of soon-to-be-royals would never make such a mistake.” Eye scoffed at the suggestion and turned to the left, walking on down another hallway. “Come, my queen, we’ve a ship to clear out.”
“OF COURSE, UNIT-EYE. COMING.” Velvet trotted on down the hallway, thankfully moving much more smoothly nowadays, rather than the clunky twitching she did before Vex had joined the crew. She stumbled now and again as her right foreleg failed to keep up with some steps, however.
Eye slipped up to the corner at the end of the hall, peeking out to the right before pulling right back, the snap of a gunshot firing a bullet right past him. “Well, I think we found the rest of them.”
“WHAT IS THE SITUATION, UNIT-EYE?” Another two shots ricocheted off the metal walls of the hall as Velvet shouted, Eye looking at the hall to his right as he leaned on the wall, then back to his queen.
“About a seven on the Danger Scale?” He raised his brow, bringing up his guns. “Shockingly enough, if we go out there, we would get promptly ripped to pieces. They’re set up in the mess hall, flipped a whole load of tables up. Looks like a gangster stand off in a noire novel.” He sidled along the wall to the corner again, keeping his weapons out of sight as he perked an ear. “Any ideas, my queen?”
“WHAT ARE THEIR FORTIFICATIONS LIKE?” Velvet slipped up beside him, putting her pistols away and tilting her head to the side, the servos in her leg groaning as she forced it to keep up with her trot.
“Tables, chairs, a whole lot of bodies and guns. Mostly to blind us, rather than protect them... those flimsy things wouldn’t even stop Jam on a bad night.” Eye scoffed, rolling his eyes before peeking out again, quickly moving back to avoid another gunshot. “Well?”
“PLEASE WAIT, PROCESSING.” Velvet closed her eyes, and a quiet whirring started up in her head. Her body vibrated as numerous clicks and clangs echoed out from her body, ears twitching and hooves scuffing along the floor. Eye raised his eyebrow at the display, moving another gun out and firing again as he picked up the sound of shuffling claws on the ground, a bird yelping as he dove for cover.
The mess hall beyond was a large room covered in tipped tables and chairs, all set up so their tops faced the single doorway into the room. And inside, at least twenty gryphons stood, all armed to the teeth and behind cover, weapons trained on the door. The only other door was at the back, leading off to some unknown part of the ship, but even for the future emperor, there was no way to punch through all that with the lead at his command.
Eventually, though, the solution came in a ‘ding’ from Velvet’s head, and she opened her eyes, nodding. “PROCESSING COMPLETE. THIS UNIT WILL HANDLE THEM.”
“Wait, on your own? You’re not even going to let me in on the fun?” Eye creased his brow, frowning in sadness.
“HOLD POSITION,” Velvet commanded, moving up in front of Eye. She peeked around the corner, quickly taking in the scene before her before moving back behind cover, several gunshots bouncing off the walls.
“Gah, curse these stupid guns!” One of the gryphons shouted, reloading his woefully inaccurate pistol. “Can’t hit anything with these...”
“EXAMINATION COMPLETE. TWENTY UNIQUE PIECES OF COVER, THIRTY TWO IDENTIFIED HOSTILES, THREE UNICORNS INCLUDED. ARMING WEAPONS.” A myriad of clicks sounded off from Velvet’s sides and hips, and she narrowed her eyes, scuffing the ground with her hoof. “...HASTA LA VISTA.”
Eye opened his mouth to question that, though he barely got a breath out before Velvet leaped forward, slamming into the wall with her hooves and bouncing off it. The guns in the mess hall all lit up, Velvet bouncing off the other wall and sprinting into a serpentine, rushing down the short distance towards the mess hall. She kicked out into a slide under the few remaining shots before the gryphons were forced to reload, all of them moving away from the mare as she rolled onto her belly and kicked up into the air with her forehooves.
She flew into a flip as her side opened up, a small weapon unfolding from inside and reaching around to her back, turning as she spun through the air. Just before an order could be shouted from the rear, a thick gout of flame suddenly launched from the weapon, spiralling outwards and setting the front of the mess hall on fire.
Velvet landed on her hooves and spun, ducking under the spinning flamethrower on her back, the cafeteria quickly descending into a blinding inferno as the gryphons all quickly retreated, the unlucky ones being swallowed by the flames. “Get someone to the radio room, contact the admiral! Go!”
“Well, that’s not good...” Eye mumbled, peeking back out. He smirked lightly, moving out into the hall and sliding his guns back into their holsters on his body. A breath came into his lungs, muscles tensing, before he launched off into a sprint, smirk growing into a grin. Well, can’t let my queen have all the fun! What’s a little fire, anyways? Not like it can stop me.
With a deft leap, he hit the wall at the end of the hallway, and jumped forward, launching over the wall of fire blocking the doorway. He landed on the edge of a table, quickly jumping off that to one that had been tipped back up by a retreating gryphon, then another, quickly dodging over the floor like it was made of lava. At that point, with all the fire, it really was , and the flames were quickly spreading.
“I’m going after the cowards, Velvet! Take care of things here!” Eye shouted, jumping from island to island, drawing two of his pistols as two gryphons spun around near the end of the mess hall, going for their own guns. He pulled the triggers, planting two shots in their arms, and hopped forward again, clearing both of them, kicking his hind legs back at the last moment to push them both further into the chaos. “‘Scuze me, I’ll be back soon!”
Without another word, he took off into the hall, drawing all his weapons and letting loose a wall of lead into the retreating birds, laughing like a madstallion as they fell, one by one. With his ammo spent, he holstered them all and started grabbing the remaining birds, yanking them back by the tails and throwing them towards the mess hall, some landing in the flames while others crashed into their once-useful cover, shattering tables and chairs. Still, three made it away from him, one unicorn in the trio, quickly moving into a room on the left, alarmed shouting coming from inside.
“Go, get on the radio, get the admiral! We need backup! Talon, you and I’ll cover the door! Amber, get on the radio!” The voice was female, causing Eye to sigh and frown as he calmly walked towards the door, reloading his guns.
“R-Right, yes ma’am!” Amber responded, quickly hopping into the chair near the large radio. With the machine as big as it was, it didn’t help that the room was claustrophobicly tight, filled with bookcases and numerous code books. The purple mare gulped as she quickly went to work with her magic, twisting dials and connecting crystals together. With a lively spark and an energetic hum, she started shouting into the microphone in front of her, which didn’t amount to much more than a small cloud surrounded by steel wool on a ruby stand. “Admiral, come in! Please, come in! This is The Commander !”
“Damn, such pretty voices... regrettable. I’d love to add a gryphon and another unicorn to my harem.” Eye shrugged and huffed, spinning two of his guns in his magic before aiming them forward, sidling up to the wall. “Alright...” Just have to jump in the doorway, take the guards out, then hit the bird on this ‘radio’ thing. Whatever it is, if it can reach anybody called ‘Admiral’, it’s not good for me right now.
He snuck up towards the door, the hall glowing with a hellish orange light from the mess hall, a shadow stood amongst the flames as some of her coat burned off in the heat. Part of her clockwork was revealed as her cover was torched, and she frowned, wiping away the burned skin and hair. “THIS UNIT DID NOT FULLY THINK THIS PLAN THROUGH.”
Velvet scuffed her hoof on the ground, not taking a moment to examine the burning corpses and tables all around her, and she sprinted forward, bursting through the fire into the hall, and towards Eye.
Meanwhile, Eye slid up to the door, softly pulling back the hammers on his two loaded guns. He took in a breath and hopped forward, running into the room and sliding down on his belly, firing both his guns to the sides. The female gryphon shrieked as she got hit in the shoulder, though her partner was less lucky, taking a shot right through the beak. A strained ‘squawk’ is all he got out before falling to the floor, Eye quickly picking himself up and swinging hard with his empty pistol, smashing the female bird in the back of the head. He winced as she slumped to the ground, unconscious and bleeding, a small red mark left on her pink-feathered crown. “Ouch...”
“Admiral, we need support! We found the mechanical impo—”
“Oh no you don’t!” Eye quickly spun back around, grunting as he slammed the butt of his gun into the radiomare’s head, her muzzle slamming into the desk before she slumped right off the chair. The radio crackled lightly, before a female voice came back over it.
“Commander , this is Castle , respond.” The voice sounded rather young, but commanding all the same. Eye furrowed his brow slightly at the accent as well, Canterlotian in tone. He stepped up towards the desk in the room, leaning in towards the cloud and clearing his throat.
“Hello, Eye Lash’s office. Might I take a message?” Eye grinned, his voice sickeningly sweet as he went about reloading his weapons, Velvet running up towards the radio room.
“Office? Who is this?” The voice responded.
“Eye Lash, future emperor, resident sex god, and the new captain of this fine ship. Who might you be?”
“...Your inevitable defeat.” The radio then stopped crackling, going dead completely. Eye frowned, sighing a bit as he sat back down.
“I’m going to have rebels put down immediately when I become emperor. I don’t like having enemies.” Eye scoffed, rubbing the barrel of one of his pistols. “Worry not, Natasha, she will not harm anyone.”
“UNIT-EYE, IS EVERYTHING OKAY?” Velvet shouted from the doorway, Eye turning around with a smile.
“Ah, Velvet! Everything is— Good Goddess, what the fuck happened to you!? ” Eye froze up as he stared at his queen.
Velvet had certainly seen better days. Said better days not involving fire. A lot of her coat had been singed and covered in burns, some burns even going so deep as to reveal the intricate clockwork keeping her running. Her face had burned quite badly, revealing the metal shell of her skull, her metallic eye glowing red. “FIRE HAPPENED. ALL HOSTILES HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF, THOUGH THE FIRE HAS NOT YET BEEN PUT OUT.”
“Er... w-well, excellent work on the enemy. Now, if you would go put out the fire and find Vex to fix your face... and, everything else.” Eye gulped, stalling his breathing as Velvet tilted her head, that red eye staring straight through him. Moments passed until her suffocating leer let up, Velvet giving Eye a nod before racing off towards the mess hall.
The stallion let out his trapped breath in a sigh, bringing his scatter gun around and hugging it close to his chest. “Marie-Louise, I have seen into the eyes of my queen, and... did not enjoy what I saw.” His hoof stroked along the side of the lovingly-polished shotgun, and he gave it a kiss on the barrel. “No no, I’m quite fine, my dear. Calm yourself... I’ll just wait here for Velvet to put out the fire, then go to rejoin the crew.”
I suspect it’s going to be a long wait...
Hours had passed since the battle, the Tomcat , Iris , and Commander all drifting alone in the darkening evening sky as Jam, Spyglass, Eye Lash and Patch debriefed on the bridge of the battleship. Spyglass looked over the bridge, mostly cleaned after Velvet’s and Eye’s little massacre there, though some of the instruments were still coated in a thin sheen of blood.
“Well, at least the place is a little cleaner than it was before.” Spyglass looked back at Eye, furrowing his brow. “Would it kill you to clean up after your slaughters, Mr. Lash?”
“Possibly.” Eye shrugged, looking around the room as he trotted towards the captain’s chair. He hopped up onto it and sat down, crossing his hindlegs and smiling as he lounged. “And dying would mean I wouldn’t be able to command this ship!”
“You aren’t going to command the ship,” Spyglass put simply, deadpanning as he swept away some blood from the floor, and sat down, wings flitting. “Space Jam is.”
Once I figure out how to run the ship... Jam hummed to himself, looking over the control panels at the front of the ship. Metal boxes with flat tops, all lined up in a row with six chairs sitting in front of them. Dials and levers covered the myriad of panels, though no labels were placed to show what the controls all did. How in the world did they train the crew to run all this? This is far more advanced than a regular ship...
“Having some trouble, Mr. Jam?” Patch raised his eyebrow, Jam flinching and looking back at the stallion, quickly shaking his head.
“No, no, it’s all fine! It’s all under control.” Jam offered a great big grin to appease the vampire, though the increasing leer from the stallion set his knees shaking.
“Are you certain?” Patch lowered his voice, eyes narrowing as he stared at Jam.
“Very!” Jam quickly nodded a few times, still grinning as widely as he could. His ears splayed back as he could feel the ice coming from Patch’s leer, and he slowly turned back to the panel, grin fading as a shadow fell over his face. Not.
Spyglass soon walked over to the panels as well, scratching the back of his head with a hoof as he searched over the dials and levers. “...Mr. Lash, did you and Velvet kill every single crew member of this ship?”
“Every single one. Except two, because they are to join my harem. I left them with Velvet for orientation.” Eye looked over his hoof in passive interest, his other foreleg resting on the arm of the captain’s chair.
“Would those two happen to be pilots for this ship?”
“Not sure, never bothered to ask.” Eye looked over to Spyglass, raising his brow. “Why?”
“None of these controls are labeled, and I’d prefer not to have us floating in dead air all night.” Spyglass turned and trotted back towards the door. “Mr. Patch, remain here and watch these two. I’m going to go retrieve someone.”
“And who would that be, sir?” Patch looked over to his captain, raising an eyebrow.
“Quite possibly the only filly who could figure this ship out in a fortnight... and the only resource we have left, considering what Miss Velvet likely did with the other two.” Spyglass sighed, heading on towards the door leading to the stairwell of the command tower. “Have a look around and gather what information you can from Mr. Lash and Mr. Jam.”
“Will do, sir.” Patch nodded, looking over to Eye as Spyglass opened the door, headed out, and closed it behind him. And promptly let out a powerful groan at what he could only predict would be a very long, rough night. “So, Mr. Lash. Find anything peculiar onboard the ship?”
“Well for once, the mess hall is in absolute shambles. Regrettable, since I’ve always fantasized about taking Velvet in a kitchen...” He hummed, rubbing his chin in thought as he leaned back, the captain’s chair reclining out into a nice, flat bed. “There is this one room that I came across, during my little tour of the ship with Velvet. Strange lock on it, but it didn’t have any movable parts, far as I could tell. Also strong enough to resist a point-blank shotgun blast.”
“You shot the lock?” Patch deadpanned at Eye, grimacing. “You know that may have ended up locking you out permanently, right?”
“Nonsense! Marie-Louise is the ultimate lockpicker, the master key to all doors.” Eye scoffed, folding his forelegs and staring up at the ceiling.
“Apparently not this one. Where is the door?”
“Down below the tower here.” Eye shrugged, sitting up and rolling onto his side, supporting his head with a hoof. “Why the rush, though? I thought the Captain wanted you to gather whatever information you could from me and Jam.”
“I know that look, Mr. Lash, and no, I’m not going to gather it like that .” Patch quickly got to his hooves and stepped to the side, away from the lounging Eye Lash. “Did you find anything else on the ship?”
“Well, besides a fully stocked armory, a radio room that was used to communicate with someone named ‘Admiral’, and that strange door, not really.” Eye shrugged and rolled over onto his back, stretching out and groaning. “So much fighting really tuckers you out... Jam, mind giving me a massage?”
“Er... I-I need to study all this first, though!” Jam looked over to Eye Lash, a gentle blush playing on his cheeks as he tried to avoid those amazing hindlegs of his.
Eye waved the complaint off, rolling over onto his belly and flicking his tail to the side. “Ohh, give the work a break for now. Wait until Spyglass comes back.” He gestures for Jam to come over to his side, Patch rolling his eyes as the lovesick stallion started to make his way over. Eye glanced over to the vampire, smiling brightly as he waggled his brow. “You can have one as well if you like, Patch.”
“The day I get touched by a stallion is during my autopsy,” Patch deadpanned as he spoke, shaking his head and walking towards the door. “I’ll be back with Spyglass. Try not to break everything, you two...”
“Of course, Mr. Patch. Jam, to me. I need your magic hooves...” Eye stretched out as Jam nodded, moving up to his side and getting to work on his emperor’s shoulders as Patch made a tactical retreat to the stairs.
Find Spyglass, bring him back here before Eye and Jam destroy the bridge with... with, er... Goddess, I can’t even apply a word to it. The vampire sighed as he made his way down, frowning. The sound of hoofsteps brought some hope back, however, and he picked up the pace, gliding down the wide, spiralling steps built into the walls of the tower. Spyglass and Vex made it up only a few steps before Patch landed gracefully on the railing, standing on it with his wings spread wide. “Ah, Captain!”
“Mr. Patch? Why aren’t you on the bridge?” Spyglass raised his eyebrow at the vampire, a firm, red mark covering his entire face.
“A better question is what happened to you, sir...” Patch raised his brow at the clear injury, tilting his head a bit.
Vex nodded, taking a step up towards Patch. “Allow me to explain...”
“Vex, are you in?” Spyglass knocked on the door to Vex’s quarters on the Iris, the filly hiding off to the side of the door. In her hooves was a block of wood, and her head bore a hastily crafted helmet to protect the critical grey matter held within her cranium. “I need you for the battleship.”
She stayed quiet, narrowing her good eye as she watched the door, gripping her weapon more tightly. A rope ran past her on the floor, tied to the door, only the latch keeping it from opening already. Strung up on the ceiling was a filing cabinet, the bottom of it tied to the ceiling by the very same rope tied to the door. Must have been captured... it’s been quite a while since anybody came back to the ship. Oh well... this is why I set all this up.
She took in a breath and spoke, tensing up as she prepared for a fight. “Alright, come in!”
“Ah, you are in... alright!” Spyglass turned the lever of the door and gave it a push. The rope tugged on it as the filing cabinet’s weight took over, the door swinging wide open as it came down. Vex closed her eye as Spyglass screamed, before being slammed in the face by a flying filing cabinet.
Taking her chance, she hopped around the door and cut another rope, a drawn-back rubber cord flinging forward, launching a bunch of drawers into the hall, Vex quickly following out as the metal projectiles hit the wall. She landed on Spyglass’ belly, horn lit and ready to fire, her makeshift weapon pulled back for a swing.
Only to find the hall was completely empty besides the bleeding, dazed Spyglass on the floor, filing cabinet on the floor beside him. “Oh, ye Goddess... the hell just hit me...?”
“Oh.” Vex frowned, lowering the wood as she looked back to Spyglass. “...Apologies, Captain. I thought you’d been captured.”
“Wh-Why would I be captured by gryphons? They don’t take prisoners...” The captain groaned, holding his nose. “Oh Goddess, am I bleeding?”
“Uhhhh...” Vex stared at him for a moment, coughing into a hoof lightly. “Perhaps visiting a medic would be the logical option...”
“Damn it...” Spyglass held his head, sitting back up. Vex slid down his belly and hopped off his lap, landing on the floor in front of him and turning to examine his face. “Why’d you set all this up?”
“For exactly the proposed scenario I informed you of. Your capture. In another scenario, it would be an enemy incursion of the ship, and them coming to my room.” She shuddered, shaking her head at the thought of being captured by a bunch of feathery rebels. “Not going back to that life...”
“We’ll visit the kitchen, get myself some ice... c’mon, we need you on the other ship. And no, before you ask, we aren’t being boarded.” Spyglass got to his hooves, tipping his head up to keep his nose from bleeding more. He promptly walked into a wall, bumping off it with a grunt. “Ah... mind telling me where we’re going? I can’t see very well like this...”
“Very well.” Vex nodded and moved to his side, bumping his foreleg with her cheek before proceeding on ahead. “Walk ahead twenty three meters, you’ll reach the stairs leading up towards the second level.”
Spyglass groaned at the directions, but proceeded on alongside Vex.
Patch launched into a laughing fit, flipping onto his back and clutching his chest as he coughed out his chortles. “A filing cabinet? Seriously? Oh Goddess!”
“Yes... it was a hilarious moment, I’m sure.” Spyglass deadpanned at Patch before moving up the steps. He made it up a few before Patch hopped in front of him, coming down from his giggles.
“Hahaha... h-hang on, w-we shouldn’t go... go to the bridge yet!” Patch shivered from the last few laughs, before taking a deep breath and composing himself. “Ah, currently, Mr. Lash is receiving a massage from Mr. Jam.”
“And you left them in the bridge alone? ” Spyglass went wide-eyed at that, gritting his teeth before spreading his wings. “They’re just going to make a mess of the place!” He hopped forward onto the steps, Patch jumping back and blocking his path.
“Which I will have them clean afterwards, but, there is something we should examine first!” Patch spoke quickly, pointing off down the stairs. “Apparently there’s a door with a strange lock that Eye Lash couldn’t open, even with a shotgun. It could be a special room holding this ship’s treasure.”
“Treasure?” Spyglass raised his eyebrow at Patch, folding his wings up at his sides. “Well, that would be good to secure first.”
“Especially since, if Eye Lash finds a way to open it, you can be certain all of it will disappear into his ‘Emperor’s Piggy Bank’ fund...”
The two stallions narrowed their eyes at that, Spyglass nodding soon after. “Well, it’s worth checking out. But first, we should check in with Jam... hopefully before they’ve gotten into some kind of compromising position. Vex, if you would come along with us?”
“You say that as if I have a choice.” Vex scoffed quietly, heading on up the stairs.
And if I’m lucky, Vex will help us figure out the controls so Jam can pilot the ship. Goddess forbid I can give it to anybody else, and Patch is the only way I stay sane with Eye and his group... Spyglass’ eye twitched at the thought of being forced to work alone on the Iris , Eye making a mess of everything in sight, Velvet shouting up a storm, Jam stumbling over himself and Vex being a nuisance.
Still, the walk up to the bridge went without issue. Mostly because the issues immediately began as Spyglass pushed open the door. He looked in, grabbed the door lever, and swiftly slammed it shut, backpedalling with a thick blush on his face.
“Is someone there?” Eye called out, Jam letting out a yelp, followed by a husky groan. “Sorry, room’s in use!”
“For the love of the Goddess, Mr. Lash, the bridge is not for such brazen acts!” Spyglass rubbed his eyes as his wings fluttered. “At least tell me the blinds are closed!”
“The b-bridge has blinds!?” Jam squeaked. “Eye, you never told me that!”
“Whoops, slipped my mind.” Eye brushed it off vocally, before hoofsteps came from the bridge. The door creaked open a bit after the lever was twisted, and Eye peeked out through it, raising his brow. His mane was a mess, and his body was covered in something sticky. “Hello there!”
Patch just narrowed his eyes at the sight, face scrunching at the smell coming off the stallion in front of him. “Mr. Lash, if you and Mr. Jam would kindly stop whatever unholy thing you’re doing with each other, we need the bridge.”
“You’re not actually going to make me go in there, are you?” Vex blinked, looking over to Spyglass in horror.
“We must all make sacrifices, Miss Vex... some greater than others.” Spyglass frowned, bowing his head slightly as Eye sighed, rolling his eyes.
“Oh, fine.” Eye moved back into the room, closing the door behind him and raising his voice. “Jam, collect the oils and, er... just, go over into the corner! And yes, you can walk, don’t worry! No, don’t you give me that nonsense about your legs being numb!”
A few deep grunts and groans later, and Eye called out from within the bridge. “Alright, you can come in!”
Please, Princess, don’t let us be scarred by what we see... Spyglass took in a deep breath, looking to his compatriots before moving up to the door, twisting the lever, and opening it slowly, worried for what he was about to behold. Within, he found the most dire, horrific of sights.
Nothing.
The bridge was spotless.
“...This... raises questions that I don’t think I want answered...” Spyglass mumbled, before taking a few steps into the bridge. Then promptly slipping on the floor, crashing down onto his rump and sliding forward, the liquid under him feeling rather warm. “Aaaand those questions just got answered!”
“Er... Vex, hop onto my back, I’ll fly us in.” Patch moved up towards the door, Vex grabbing his tail and climbing up it, mounting his back. The filly slid forward and grabbed onto his neck, speaking firmly and simply to him.
“Drop me and I blow us all up.”
“It would likely be an honorable exit for the poor captain at this point,” Patch mumbled, moving into the room and taking to the air, a few cautious flaps of his wings lifting him up near the door, before he started his way over to the consoles.
“J-Just have her examine the controls, and— oh my word, that’s sticky! What is all this?!” Spyglass shouted, glaring over at Jam and Eye, curled up in the corner together.
“Something magical that only Jam can make with me.” Eye smiled, winking to the captain, which only made the bile in his throat rise higher.
I’m going to have nightmares...
As Spyglass contemplated this new Tartarus he’d slipped into, Patch floated near the consoles, Vex leaning over and examining them closely.
“Thrust controls, yaw and pitch, gasbag pump...” Vex hummed quietly, before nodding. “These are typical controls you’d find in a more recent airship.”
“How can you tell?” Patch raised his eyebrow, ignoring Spyglass slipping around and crying in the muck.
“Simply put, these consoles are all connected to systems across the ship via crystal dust wiring. It’s a central control circuit, instead of everything being connected via wood axles and such. Only a matter of experimentation at this point, but I should have it down in a little while. I’ll begin once the floor is less slippery and covered in Spyglass tears...”
The two ponies looked back to the whimpering captain, flapping his wings so he could make it back to the door as Eye had a massive laugh over the display, howling with his pet stallion sat quietly beside him, ears splayed back in a worrisome look.
“I’ll get them to clean up...” Patch mumbled, sighing as he set about that task.
“You what? ”
“I said, I want control of the ship, which will now be known as the Complete Vexation .”
Vex frowned as she sat in the thankfully cleaned up captain’s chair of the battleship, looking down on Spyglass sitting before her. Patch was busy with Jam, looking over the controls at the front of the ship, while Eye sat in the corner, polishing his guns.
“I refuse! The one who’s going to be piloting this ship is Mr. Jam!” Spyglass furrowed his brow, folding his forelegs as he resolutely pushed out his chest.
“Really? And why do you want him to control this ship so badly?” Vex raised her eyebrow, lying down on the cushion under her. The captain’s chair was comfortably set up to handle a full-sized gryphon, the cushion being a good three times larger than the filly it was supporting. “Especially considering what would happen in that case...”
“Oh no, you aren’t threatening me out of this, Miss Vex.” Spyglass narrowed his eyes, leaning in towards her. “Listen. Amongst the crew, Mr. Jam is the best to have serving here. I need Mr. Patch and Mr. Periscope back on the ship, and the only other senior members of my crew are a pothead, a sadist, a cowardly lookout who admittedly is an incredible shot, and a whole lot of other pirates who just can’t run a ship. Mr. Jam is the best choice.”
“And I assume you know that someone else would come along with him, to help run the ship, yes?” Vex raised her brow slightly, staring at Spyglass as she shifted her mane over her bad eye with a hoof.
“You, yes.”
“No. I mean the little stallion in the corner.” Vex nodded towards Eye slightly, glancing over to him. “You really think he wouldn’t take the chance to have fun on a massive, advanced battleship, as well as order Mr. Jam around...?”
Spyglass blinked at that, looking over to Eye. The stallion looked up, smiling and waving to the captain before going back to polishing his guns, just as Spyglass’ good eye twitched, his pupil shrinking. Oh Goddess...
The images scrolling through his mind were too graphic for description.
“See my point?” Vex looked back to Spyglass, the stallion quietly nodding.
“F-Fine.” He sighed quietly, looking back to the filly. “But I want you to teach Jam the ropes anyways. I’d rather not just leave it in your ‘capable’ hooves either.”
“Don’t trust me?” Vex deadpanned at the captain, frowning. “I’m the most brilliant member of your crew, and you don’t trust me with a ship I’m fully capable of running?”
“A ship that nobody else knows a lick about is more my point. Look, I trust you all, but considering how many new members have been added to my crew over the last pair of weeks, I haven’t had the time necessary to get to know all of you.” Spyglass’ look softened slightly, and he lowered his forehooves to the floor as he looked into Vex’s eye. “This ship, just like the Iris , is going to serve a great purpose for all of us, and the last thing I need is to worry about a powerful battleship not being under my full command. What I need is for you, and him, to follow orders.”
“Alright, then allow me to dissuade your worries.” Vex frowned gently, letting out a quiet sigh as she folded her forelegs on the cushion. “I am a part of your crew. I was, ever since I’d joined it, and I do support your cause. I do not have an agenda towards your destruction, so long as no one gets in the way of my studies. I do not have any plans about splintering away from your crew, taking this ship, or anything else. But, this remains so only as long as you do not stop me.” Vex furrowed her brow, leaning in close to the captain. “I will run this ship. So long as I have that, I will follow your orders... but try to replace me as its officer, and not only will you no longer have a usable ship, but other issues as well.”
“...Is that a threat ?” Spyglass hissed, glaring at the filly.
“It is a promise.” Vex leered back at him, eye narrowed in a glare of her own. “Trust is a rare thing to have in this world. But I assure you this: your orders will be followed, so long as I can have this ship without someone looking over my shoulder. I will allow Space Jam to be on this ship, if only because he is the one stallion who assisted me back in Tradewinds. Is this acceptable?”
Spyglass fell silent, ears drooping slightly as he considered his options. He bit his lip lightly, groaning as his brain worked hard on finding an alternative, trying to think of someone else who could run the ship, any other possible option that didn’t put an untrustworthy filly in command of a city-ending warship.
But nothing came.
“...It is agreed.” Spyglass frowned, nodding to Vex. “The ship is yours... so long as it operates under the flag of the Farsight Pirates, and that you follow my orders.”
“I shall.” Vex smiled lightly, nodding back to Spyglass. “I will not betray you, Captain, filly’s honor.”
We’ll see how far that ‘honor’ goes... Spyglass nodded, managing a small smile himself, before he finally stood up. “Very well, with that handled... shall we go take care of our other problem?”
“Agreed. Mr. Patch, Captain. Let’s go have a look at this oh-so-impossible ‘lock’ you mentioned earlier...” I’ll pay myself five bits it’s just a really strong padlock.
“Righto.” Patch nodded and moved away from the consoles, patting Jam on the shoulder as he went before trotting on towards the door, proceeding through the open pathway with Vex and Spyglass behind him. He lead the two ponies along down the stairs, and through a trap door in the floor of the command tower, going down another two floors, according to Eye’s directions.
Once they were out of earshot, Jam glanced at Eye. “Are you ever going to tell them it was just hot oil?”
Eye looked over to him with a grin, chuckling. “Of course not, did you see the looks on their faces? Now come on, we should get back to my quarters so the real fun can begin.”
Vex, Spyglass, and Patch soon arrived a solitary room with four doors leading to different halls, much like the floor above. Green metal walls, steel flooring, and the doors were built of thick iron to resist assault, but amongst them was a fifth door.
This door was built of a strange blue metal, lined with a glowing red, a large disk located at its center. The disk was broken up into four segments, numerous, incomplete pictures seen on the segments. Vex, Spyglass and Patch walked over to the disk, the damage caused by the shotgun immediately apparent in the burn marks and pock marks that resulted from its use.
“Well, this is interesting.” Spyglass furrowed his brow, stepping up to the door. He scanned over the lock for a bit before placing his hoof on it, tilting his head to the side. “Must be booby trapped, if it’s protecting anything valuable... though the lock isn’t a simple horn-key lock, or any kind of padlock I’ve seen before.”
Patch moved up to the captain’s side as he removed his hoof from the center of the lock, checking it over alongside Spyglass. “I guess nobody really accesses this place much, huh?”
“Not entirely, but it’s definitely something to protect if they don’t use something conventional. Here, let me see.” Vex moved up beside Spyglass, hopping up onto his back and moving up onto his head, leaning down and examining the images closely. “Hmm... can the disks be moved?”
Spyglass sat down and placed his hooves on the first disk closest to the center, and gave it a twist. The disk moved freely, rotating until it hit a quarter turn, where it clicked back down and went still. “Seems so.”
“Alright then, let’s see here...” Vex rubbed her chin as she laid down on Spyglass’ mane, humming quietly. “Try moving the outermost disk.”
Spyglass followed the order, placing his hooves on the outside and giving it a push. The disk refused to move, however. “...Won’t budge.”
“Then that is what we must follow. Move the disks to line up with the outermost image.” Vex reached forward and tapped the side of the outer disk. “Use this for a reference. Looks like part of a sun.”
“Very well.” Spyglass placed his hooves on the first disk in from the outside, Patch sitting down by his side as he set to work.
Twist, click. Turn, click. Each disk clicked firmly into place, Spyglass following the reference Vex pointed out, the picture becoming more clear as each disk clicked, then locked into place. Finally, the pictures became clear.
The sun and moon, next to each other at the bottom, on a blue background. They both moved up to a sunset and half-moon at the sides, the sun to the left and the moon to the right, the blue losing some of its color. And finally, they both overlapped each other at the top, the background shifting to a dull, dead grey.
Vex narrowed her eyes at it, mumbling to herself. “...That’s a solar eclipse...”
“A solar eclipse? Interesting design for a lock.” Spyglass raised his brow, reaching forward with his hoof and pushing the center of the disk in. A loud ‘clank’ was heard, and the door shifted, turning inwards. “Perhaps whatever’s inside can tell us just what inspired such a lock...”
With the doorway open, the three ponies proceeded on into the ship’s supposed ‘treasure room’.
“Well, this is... wow.” Spyglass blinked at the very clear darkness of the room, looking around. “Anyone see a lantern?”
“I see one... give me a moment.” Patch spread his wings and took off into the darkness, his eyes quickly adjusting for night vision. He swooped up to the ceiling and moved to the chandelier in the center, examining the lanterns placed on it. “Hm, that’s interesting... all closed in the boxes. Maybe... what’s this knob here?” He looked down at the bottom of a lantern, seeing a brown knob sticking out from the side of it. He took hold with his hoof and gave it a pull, a push, even a jerk up and down, but it refused to budge.
“Maybe if I twist it?” He mumbled, turning the knob. He heard a click, and a spark lit inside the lantern, before a flame burst to life inside. “Ah, jackpot!” He chuckled to himself and went around the chandelier, repeating the process for the eleven other lanterns on its arms. Each one lit the room up a little more, before finally, the contents of the area were revealed.
Along the walls sat fat, brown wood chests, lids tilted open slightly to reveal the myriad of gold bits inside them. Spyglass’ jaw hit the floor as he saw all the accumulated treasure, the glittering gold bringing a tear to his eye. “Oh my word, it’s... i-it’s gorgeous...”
“Do you need a moment, captain?” Vex raised her eyebrow, hopping off his head and down onto his back, then down to the floor before moving on towards the center of the room. It was quite long, with the fifteen chests up against the walls under bookcases carved right into the walls, books all along the shelves. And, at the back of the room, a large portrait hung on the back wall, torn in places, over a desk with a single note on it. I think I might need quite a few for all these books.
“This is quite a bit more than a treasure room, isn’t it?” Patch landed down on the floor next to Vex, going over to one of the chests and opening it up. “Just what kinds of raids did these pirates go on? These chests are filled to the brim with bits.” He picked one of the coins up, and did the classic ‘bite test’ on it, wincing as the hard metal refused to budge. “Real, too.”
Vex hopped up onto one of the chests, checking a few book spines and reading the names. “And, from what I can see, these books are on magic and history.” Her eye turned towards the desk at the end of the room, under the portrait. She trotted over to it, looking up at the painting, though her brow furrowed at its current state. “That’s... of the Princess, isn’t it?”
“Yes, Princess Celestia to be exact,” Patch said as he stepped up beside Vex, looking over the portrait. “But why is it torn so badly? It’s such a beautiful painting, too...”
The portrait was of the radiant Princess of the Sun standing in a field, wings spread wide with the brilliant yellow sun positioned over her crown, between her wings. But, the painting was torn along the wings, and one of her brilliant pink eyes was missing entirely. Even the sun didn’t avoid whatever happened to the painting, covered in cuts and tears.
Spyglass shook his head and sighed. “Such a waste of art...” He looked down to the desk, the surface completely bare of anything except the single note. There wasn’t even a speck of dust. “What’s this then?” He moved forward, leaning in towards the note, though all the characters on the page were jumbled into an illegible mess.
WKB XVDPIZB HTRJX ILO QEH PXQ. FGZWO LRU JZGBPMJA KL IBZFITCVWLB.
“What nonsense is this?” Patch slipped in by Spyglass, raising his eyebrow.
“This is a coded message...” Spyglass mumbled, placing a hoof on the desk and looking over the characters closely. “It’s all arranged in a line.”
“Looks simple enough.” Vex sat on Spyglass’ mane, nodding lightly. “I could have that decoded, when I’ve got time. Leave it here with me, and when it’s done, I’ll let you know what it says.”
Spyglass nodded, looking up to Vex. “Thank you, Miss Vex. Though I will be checking in regularly for your progress.”
“That is acceptable. I do have other things to work on, but I will pay it suitable attention when the focus becomes available.” Vex looked back to the note, raising an eyebrow slightly and rubbing her chin. Now, what does it say, I wonder? And why is it in this treasure room?
With a minor shrug, she waved it off. Oh well. I’ll handle it later. Can’t be more important than Velvet.
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Interlude 1: The Stars Above (By ScarletWeather)
Vex pored through her notes, frustration growing.
The last few days had been the most exciting of her life. The hum and throb of the Complete Vexation ’s arcane engines attested to that, and even now some part of her was itching to pore through the ship, looking through every mechanism and spell signature to see what she could learn from or improve on. She sighed. Mechanically she began shuffling through her notes again, noting with growing satisfaction that her telekinesis had improved enough by this point that she no longer worried about scattering them.
She set the notes down and focused on the first page. Her sketch of Velvet’s access terminal dominated it, and a few more thoughts were strewn throughout the margins. Reaching down with her quill, she scribbled a few slight alterations, careful to avoid smudging or writing over her old work.
The largest column of notes on the page began with a simple question.
”Who are you?”
A knock sounded at the cabin door. “It’s open!” Vex called over her shoulder, not bothering to shift her attention away from the notes in front of her.
The door swung open, and the smell of a fragrant, spiced cologne filled the room. Vex sighed. “I take it you’re late because you were engaged in shenanigans with Eye Lash again?”
“Something like that,” Jam groaned as he flopped down beside her.
Vex gently set her notes on the captain’s desk before hopping down from the entirely-too-tall chair she had taken onto Jam’s shoulders, positioning herself comfortably. “He’s a bad influence on you, you know. And I don’t mean that in an abstract sense. He is literally the worst possible pony by about three contemporary theories of ethics and moral behavior.”
Jam rolled his eyes before looking up at the filly. “Only nine years old, and you’ve already studied magic from more fields than I dare to count, clockwork construction, engineering, and moral philosophy and ethics? Just how often were you sneaking into that library, and when did you start?”
“I only read the magical books while I was at the library,” Vex replied, tossing her mane. “The moral philosophy is something I’ve been reading through in my spare time lately. The previous captain had a copy of Clover the Clever’s The Princess in here and some other interesting volumes. I rather enjoyed reading them.”
“That doesn’t explain why you know the basics of clockworks or arcane engines.” Jam stifled a groan and settled down.
“Hm? Oh, that’s easy. My father worked on them. I’ve grown up around those my whole life.” Vex reached up to her desk with her mouth, dragging down one of her note sheets. She dropped it on the floor in front of Jam. “Here’s a sketch of him.”
“Your father was a three-kilometer dreadnought-class warship using a theoretical arcane engine capable of generating more than 10,000 thaums per revolution?” Jam asked, levitating the sheet.
A red flush entered Vex’s cheeks. “Er, other side.”
Chuckling, Jam turned the paper around, dimming his light blue aura slightly to make it easier to see. As much as Vex was a competent technical artist, she didn’t seem to have a painter’s flair for dramatic portraiture. Her drawing of her father was as dry and clinical as an anatomical sketch.- a simple side view of a large, shaggy earth pony. He looked up at Vex, amused. “I see you take after your mother.”
“My mother was also an earth pony. And before you ask, we have no idea where the unicorn came from. And we’re reasonably certain I’m their real daughter. They had me tested in case of changeling substitution.”
Jam stopped laughing abruptly and returned the paper to Vex’s desk. “I see.”
“You don’t have to feel sad on my account. I can barely remember that point in my life anyway.” Vex smiled, allowing her body to relax completely as she thought back to her earlier youth. “Mom and I never got along very well, but Father and I were very close. I used to sit on his back like this for hours and watch him as he’d bang some kind of arcane engine into submission, and scream at the unicorns who could actually adjust magical parameters that they’d made errors in their math.”
Jam frowned. “...You’ve never mentioned what happened to them. Your parents, I mean. You were alone in Tradewinds when we found you.”
“They died. I wasn’t there.” Vex’s voice was flat. “That’s all I really want to say about it.”
The two sat for a few moments more, the gentle motions of the Complete Vexation sailing through the air and the throb of its engines filling in the silence. Jam stifled yet another yawn, shifting his body to deal with the soreness in his haunches. Vex obligingly shifted with him. At last, the older unicorn spoke again. “Why did you want me in here tonight, Vex?”
“To continue your lessons, of course. I may be the captain of this ship, but there’s no sense in not teaching you the basics of its functions in case of an emergency,” Vex explained patiently.
“We both know that’s a load of minotaur feces, Vex.” Jam looked at the smaller filly sideways. “You gave up on that a long time ago and even if you hadn’t, we also both know you would do nothing to endanger your sole control of this ship. I’m pretty sure you’ve legally married and adopted it, and I’m not even sure how that works.”
“Through an old Equestrian legal principle I believe. I can’t remember the old Equiish, but the translation is something along the lines of ‘Because it’s Futile Arguing with a Heavily Armed Child’.”
Jam blinked. “That’s a real thing?”
“No. But the fact that you were almost convinced it was fills me with joy,” Vex chuckled.
“Ha ha. Very funny.” Jam stretched himself out once again. “You’re still evading the question. Why did you ask me over here?”
Vex frowned, then slid down from Jam’s back, instead laying down by his side. “...I wanted someone to talk to about my findings.”
“Wouldn’t Velvet be more appropriate if you’re talking about what you’ve found while poking around her hidden compartments?”
Vex stiffened. “...I don’t want Velvet to hear this,” she admitted. “Actually that’s why I timed this. As frustrating as Eye gunking up her insides with whatever they get up to is, it does keep her very busy and ensures she’s not listening in.”
Jam looked down at his companion. “Vex, we admittedly haven’t known each other for all that long now, but I think I do know you well enough to see when something’s scared you. Talk to me.”
Vex took a deep breath and began. “It’s what I found when I was going through my notes, trying to figure out who built Velvet. You’re aware of what she is, correct?”
“Beyond a walking death machine with a crush on an even bigger one?”
“You know what I mean, Jam.”
The white unicorn nodded. “Sorry. Yes, I’ve got… surface-level awareness at least. She’s a highly complex clockwork android. I gather both from what you’ve said before and my own studies that she is far ahead of our time, to the tune of fifty years or more.”
Vex laughed mirthlessly. “Fifty? Heh. I wish I still believed that.” She reached out with her magic, carefully lifting down several sketches, including the one of Velvet’s access terminal. “Look at these. I’ll go procure some kind of stimulant for you. You’ll need it.”
Jam studied the notes as Vex got up and made her way to the small personal kitchenette adjoined to the captain’s cabin. After a few minutes, he heard the familiar sound of a whistling kettle. Just as his eyes were beginning to droop shut, Vex had made her way back into the room, carefully balancing a tray with two steaming cups of tea on it in her mouth. She lowered it to the ground. Jam lifted a cup in his magic, sipping the contents. “Delicious. When did you get so good at this?”
“Over the last few days. I’ve been practicing.” Vex sipped from the opposite cup, preferring to let it sit on the plate rather than bothering to lift it with her hooves or magic. “According to the notes the previous owners left behind, this blend is supposed to be good for stimulating the mind.”
“They’re not entirely wrong. The flavor’s similar to the blends favored by the inhabitants of the Emerald Isle, not too far off the Shetlands.” Jam smiled as he tasted the familiar tang. “It doesn’t make you smarter, but it will keep you from falling asleep.”
“Good enough for our purposes then.” Vex slipped into place next to her companion and pointed to her notes, which Jam had neatly set in a pile next to him. “What did you think?”
Jam frowned in between sips of the dark, earthy tea. “Whatever I’m reading, it can’t be right. There’s no way half of what you’ve mentioned finding inside her could exist. At least two of those structures- that ‘access terminal’ thing in particular- I wouldn’t even know how you’d begin constructing that. What is it, some form of crystal apparatus? Divination crystals haven’t been viewed as a credible concept for centuries. Could this be some sort of working example?”
“If it is, it doesn’t behave like any sort of divination crystal I’ve ever read about. Nor you, it seems.” Vex narrowed her eyes, dipping her head down to take another drink from her teacup. “Mmmph. Delicious. Anyway, as I was saying, no. I don’t believe anything in the past has any sort of analogue to what I’ve found inside Velvet. Previously I’d believed she was simply a very advanced machine, but not one beyond a particularly clever artificer. Now? Now I’m not sure what to believe. This could hardly be the work of one pony, but it’s the only explanation. Somewhere in Equestria there is an artificer who has developed mechanisms for clockwork androids beyond Rhinestone’s dreams.” Vex shook her head.
“That can’t be what scared you.”
Vex gave a half-smile. “No. That was when I began poking around further. I wanted to see how Velvet… ticks, as it were. What makes her ‘Velvet’. It’s obvious she has emotions and a distinct personality. Theoretically possible for a clockwork, but what makes me nervous is that hers appears extremely advanced. She’s essentially an artificial pony, stress on the second word. Moral philosophers haven’t even begun to consider the implications of what she is or what effect she’ll have on society.”
Jam shrugged. “So? You and I both noticed that. The only reason we’ve kept it quiet is that we don’t want to frighten the crew. Or at least, that’s why I haven’t.”
“Third page from the bottom. Read it.”
Jam shuffled through Vex’s notes, finding the indicated page. As he read, his eyes widened in alarm. “Are you sure?”
“No, thank the seasons, I’m not. But unless I can get a handle on exactly what that big grey box Velvet calls an ‘access terminal’ actually has inside it without hurting her, I can’t rule it out as a possibility. It’s not impossible that Velvet has a very literal ‘ghost in the machine’. Creating an android with a pony’s sense of self and personality seems all but impossible. Binding the soul of a pony to an android’s body, potentially without that soul’s knowledge or consent, seems far more likely. It would also explain why there are gaps in Velvet’s memory from before her encounter with the crew.” Vex shuddered. “Whoever or whatever made her, I’m no longer certain I want to meet them.”
Jam reached out, pulling Vex a bit closer with one of his forehooves. Instinctively she snuggled against his side. “...It’s easy to forget you’re a kid sometimes,” he said after a moment.
Vex looked up at him indignantly. “You aren’t going to pretend like this is a childish concern, are you?”
“No. Not what I meant.” Jam managed to crack a smile. “It’s not that you’re wrong to be frightened. It’s that when you act like this, you remind me of my youngest sister. She’s also a big reader, though not nearly on your level. And sometimes, before I left for the academy, she’d come to me whenever she was really frightened or nervous about something and it would all spill out of her at once.” Jam smiled. “It’s nice to be there for somebody that way again.”
“You have a sister? You have more than one sister?” Vex asked, momentarily distracted.
“Had.” The statement was blunt, but not cold. “The Academy isn’t the only place I’m disowned from.”
“Ah.”
The two unicorns sat, snuggled against each other. Finally Jam spoke again. “So you’re worried now that whoever made Velvet might be the kind of pony- or the kind of individual in general- who we wouldn’t want to meet? And you’re scared they could seriously harm us?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to believe it. But the weapons built into Velvet, her acceptance of the crew, the information I couldn’t see in that Terminal, the technology that goes beyond anything I could reasonably expect- I’m frightened.” Vex shuddered again. “My life so far has been nine years of utter farce. I’m just starting to really understand what it’s like to feel happy again. I don’t want to lose that because I had the bad luck to join the one sky pirate crew with an admittedly-perfect android whose creator turned out to be an evil wizard of some sort.”
Jam smiled down at the filly. “...Vex, come with me for a moment.”
“Ah?”
Gently getting to his hooves, the stallion walked to the cabin door and exited, Vex at his heels. The two strode along the deck, hooves clacking against specially-treated and polished wood. The night air was chilly, and Vex’s teeth chattered as they looked out across the expanse of clouds. “What’s out here?” she asked, looking around. “I see nothing out of the ordinary.”
Jam smiled, looking straight up. Vex followed his gaze. Above the two, the skies of Equus spread out further than the eye could see. There was no moon, but the stars shone all the brighter for it, covering the deck of the Complete Vexation with a soft light. Jam indicated one constellation in particular. “My mother was looking at that one when she named me. She thought it looked like a jam jar.”
Vex giggled in spite of herself. “Are you serious?”
“She was coming down from some rather potent pain-dulling herbs administered during labor. Or so she claims.” Jam spread out one hoof, smiling. “Every time I think about how scared I am, or how nothing around me makes sense, or I feel small and unable to control my own destiny I come outside and look up at the stars. They make me feel even smaller.”
Vex stared at him. “What.”
Jam winked. “Okay, that’s only half true. They certainly don’t make me feel any more in control. But they put everything in perspective. Each of those stars is a magical furnace, sending down light from a distance so great that even this ship would need aeons to cross it. And each of them might be the sun to their own Equus. And that Equus might have ponies five times crazier than the ones surrounding us.” He smiled down at the filly. “...I suppose what I’m saying is that even when life is arbitrary, stupid, or just plain strange, we can always take comfort in knowing that somewhere out there, someone else is dealing with an even bigger farce than we are.”
Vex narrowed her eyes and looked up at Jam. “Tell me. This youngest sister of yours. Did you ever say this to her?”
Jam thought for a moment. “Something like that, yes.”
“Did she tell you that you’re a bit of a dork?”
“Actually, she used those precise words.” Jam smirked. “And do you know what I did afterward?”
Vex took a step back, suspiciously. “...no?”
“Absolutely nothing.” Jam turned around, continuing to stare up into the night sky.
Just as Vex relaxed, he suddenly pounced. “Followed by a terrifying tickle attack!”
Vex shrieked with laughter as she wriggled away from Jam, dashing back towards the cabin as he ran in pursuit.
For the moment her notes sat by two cooling cups of tea, forgotten.
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Interlude 2: Everybody Wants To Rule The World (By ScarletWeather)
“That, my dear, was intensely satisfying,” Eye Lash panted as he flopped down next to Velvet in happy exhaustion. “In fact I struggle to think of a more fulfilling liaison. Tell me, what is that scent hanging in the air now that so fills me with delight?”
Velvet’s internal mechanisms clicked and whirred as she attempted a reboot. After a moment’s time she snapped her head back up, “UNIT-EYE IS REFERRING TO THE SCENT OF GUNPOWDER?”
“Ah, of course.” Snuggling up against Velvet’s cold, metallic exterior, Eye smiled at his android companion. “And tell me, how did you do that thing earlier? The one with your hips?”
“UNIT-EYE IS REFERRING TO THE RELEASE AND LAUNCH OF THIS UNIT’S FLAMETHROWER COMBINED WITH THE OIL SLICK?”
“Ooooh, yes, that’s the one. I did so enjoy watching that in action.” Eye nipped at Velvet’s right ear, a harsh clanging sound filling the air as he did. “You’re such a beautiful engine of destruction, my queen. When the world falls, you will be at my side for an eternity.”
“THIS UNIT REGRETS TO INFORM UNIT-EYE THAT SHE HAS NO CAPACITY TO BLUSH. BUT TOTALLY WOULD RIGHT NOW.” Velvet turned her head away in embarrassment, an awkward expression for her robotic features.
The two had been relocated to the ship’s hold of the Tomcat , long since cleaned out. It was understood that once Eye got going, it was the only way for any member of the crew to get some semblance of sleep.
“So modest! Oh, my Velvet, the world is going to love having you as its sexy co-ruler. I just know it!” Eye hummed a victory tune to himself as he reached out with his magic, retrieving Marie-Louise and beginning to polish the scattergun methodically. “Just imagine it! You in iron armor, and myself completely and scandalously naked as we wander down the main streets! Ponies throwing flowers and incendiary devices into the air...ah, glorious!”
“THIS UNIT SEES. SORT OF.”
“Oh Velvet, don’t worry. If it isn’t clear to you, it will be once the world is in its proper place.” Eye gave the android a peck on her cheek before returning to his work. “Really, it’s just a matter of perspective.”
“AH.” Velvet continued to watch Eye work, her processing circuits doing their best not to overheat as they attempted to compute the logic behind this mad stallion’s quest. Finally, she spoke up. “UNIT-EYE, QUERY. YOU SPEAK OF CONQUERING THE WORLD. WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE WORLD UNIT-EYE DESIRES?”
“Besides everything?” Eye asked, looking up from his task. “What could I not desire about the world?”
“TO NARROW THE PARAMETERS OF THIS UNIT’S QUERY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT THE WORLD WHICH REQUIRES UNIT-EYE TO BE NAMED RULER OF IT? UNIT-EYE, THIS UNIT POSSESSES A MORE COMPREHENSIVE UNDERSTANDING OF YOU THAN ANY OTHER PONY COULD REASONABLY BE EXPECTED TO. HOWEVER, THIS UNIT STILL CANNOT RECONCILE A DESIRE FOR ABSOLUTE POWER AND CONTROL OF EVERYTHING WITH UNIT-EYE’s PENCHANT FOR DESTRUCTION AND VIOLENCE. UNLESS UNIT-EYE INTENDS TO BE A BLOODTHIRSTY TYRANT WHOSE NAME WILL BE REPEATED IN HISTORY AS ONE OF THE MOST EVIL BEINGS OF ALL TIME, THAT IS.” Velvet added the last bit as an afterthought, reaching out with her own magic to assist Eye in polishing his pistols.
“Aaaah, thank you my love,” Eye grunted in satisfaction. “As for your question my dear, let me ask you one in return. If I were to decide to become a bloodthirsty tyrant, would you oppose me?”
Velvet thought for a moment before speaking. “NEGATIVE. THIS UNIT WILL REMAIN BY UNIT-EYE’S SIDE AND CONTINUE TO SUPPORT HIM AT ALL COSTS. THIS UNIT SIMPLY BELIEVES THAT BEING REMEMBERED AS A MERE TYRANT IS FAR TOO BORING A HISTORICAL LEGACY FOR UNIT-EYE.”
“My sentiments exactly,” Eye chuckled. “Tyrants are entirely too dull, and sitting on a throne forever would be boring. No, my plan is to conquer the world and introduce some excitement to it. Tell me, Velvet, do you ever look outside and see just how many ponies there are walking down the street, paying no thought to their surroundings because they’re tied up with silly responsibilities like ‘jobs’ and ‘families’ and other such sundry obligations?”
“THIS UNIT IS CURRENTLY ON BOARD AN AIRSHIP, UNIT-EYE. THE ONLY PONIES ‘OUTSIDE’ ARE EITHER INVISIBLE OR ARE CUNNINGLY DISGUISED AS CLOUDS.”
“Yes, well, no analogy is perfect!” Eye had moved on to polishing the four-barreled pistol the two had captured on board the Tomcat . “It’s the spirit of the thing, Velvet, the spirit! When I conquer the world, I intend to shatter this silly facade of ‘ordinary life’. I simply want everyone to experience the happiness I feel all the time, the happiness the two of us share. Of course there will be a few casualties along the way, but what’s happiness without a sacrifice? As the great bovine philosopher Betsy once said, ‘The Tree of Happiness must occasionally be watered by the blood of ponies!’”
“THIS UNIT BELIEVES THAT IS AN INTENTIONAL MISQUOTE, UNIT-EYE.”
“And you are correct, my dear! Her version was so much less exciting.” Eye smiled at his queen. “Imagine, though- a world full of excitement, danger, intrigue! A world where no pony can take anything for granted, where we all enjoy life to its fullest, where the ‘upper class’ and ‘lower class’ are meaningless because we’re all wrapped up in a giant ball of anarchy and debauchery! That’s the kind of Equestria I dream of every night.”
“THIS UNIT HAD BEEN WONDERING WHAT, PRECISELY, LEAVES UNIT-EYE SO STICKY IN THE MORNINGS.”
“Oh you,” Eye laughed before kissing the top of Velvet’s head affectionately. “So, Velvet? How does my explanation sound to you?”
“THIS UNIT HAS COMMITTED TO NEVER PASS JUDGMENT ON UNIT-EYE FOR GOOD REASON. HOWEVER, THIS UNIT DOES AGREE THAT UNIT-EYE’S VISION OF THE FUTURE IS INTRIGUING IF NOTHING ELSE, AND WILL GLADLY SUPPORT HIM IN HIS ENDEAVORS.”
“Oh, darling.” Eye waggled his eyebrows at her. “So, I’ve polished every weapon present. There’s only one left.”
“QUERY. WHICH IS THAT, UNIT-EYE?”
“Oh, you already know…”
Two of the Farsight Pirates quickly closed the door to the ship’s hold and erected an emergency soundproofing barricade as Eye pounced.
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Interlude 3: Discussing Payment (By ScarletWeather)
“Patch, I want you to know before we embark on this venture that you are the bravest stallion I know. Yes, Eye Lash may have thrown himself into more dangerous situations, but that is because he completely lacks fear. You, though you possess supernatural powers beyond those given to normal ponies, have reasonable amounts of fear. That you have fought those base urges and overcome them proves that you deserve recognition for your courageous spirit. Whatever else may happen to us tonight, whether we live or die, I feel you should know this.”
Patch glared sideways at Spyglass. “Captain, I’m helping you balance our accounts and divide up the treasure to see who gets paid what from the last two prizes we captured. There’s no need for melodrama.”
Spyglass returned to the pile of scratch paper in front of him, his cheeks flushing red. “Well, you’re still being brave. And I apologize profusely. Normally I’d calculate all of this myself, but recently there have been certain unexpected expenses added to our budgets and, well…”
“Is this about the ‘socks for everypony’ thing?” Patch asked as he shuffled through a few sheets of paper inventorying the Iris ’ food stores. “I’m fairly certain if you give it a week they’ll have forgotten all about that and be asking for something else.”
“Actually, it’s not that.” Spyglass pointed his hoof at another sheet of papers. “Those are our ammunition expenditure records.”
Patch leaned over, clumsily moving the sheets aside. “Wow. These go back quite a few years.”
“I like to keep thorough accounts.” Spyglass’s chest swelled with pride.
After a few minutes of poring through the papers, Patch set them down in surprise. “He’s costing us that much?”
“It’s not Eye specifically,” Spyglass admitted. “We’re too damn lucky for our own good at the moment. Two prizes this quickly is fairly dramatic. Normally we’d have had maybe one ship in two months, and we probably wouldn’t capture that one so much as frighten it off. Now I’m working with effectively two separate holds to stock and maintain, two ammunition stores to keep up, whatever Vex’s ship will need to run - thank the stars it appears to be low-maintenance - and Eye keeps firing bullets into anything we come across. We have to start selling something soon, or we’re not going to have the money to last out the year.”
Patch grunted. “We could always sell the Tomcat .”
“That ship is the one thing keeping me from hearing what Eye Lash gets up to at all hours. I will sell it only when we have literally no other choice.”
“What about the Vexation ?”
“If you think you can pry it out of its captain’s hooves, go ahead. Not only will you probably end up dead, but if you succeeded you’d be breaking the heart of an orphaned nine-year-old,” Spyglass pointed out as he continued to sort papers.
“Fair.” Patch grimaced, looking at the accounts. “It seems like we’re still in the black with this latest haul. We can distribute most of the bits among the crew immediately and that’ll do for pay, and the rest we’ll have to find some way to turn into cash immediately.”
“Which is always a pain. It means we can’t shop around for which merchants will give us the best rate. Likely means anything that isn’t already cash money is going to be devalued some, which just curls my wingtips.” Spyglass shook his head. “Do you see why this is my least favorite job?”
“For what it’s worth, you’re doing it quite well,” Patch offered.
“We both know that’s you trying to comfort me, Mr. Patch, but I appreciate the support.” Spyglass rubbed a polishing cloth against his telescopic eye. “Let’s see here. About a fortnight from now, we’ll need to take on provisions and water. Water we can get from the clouds in a pinch, but it’s always better to take it from the ground. Less risk of contamination from the Weird Winds we sometimes get up here.”
Patch tilted his head to the side. “Captain, I’m a pegasus and I’ve been with your crew for a little while now, we both know this. Why would you feel the need to repeat it to me?”
“Because I’m thinking out loud and redundant information is better than none!” Spyglass snapped, before pointing to a map spread across his captain’s desk. “Mr. Patch, just help me figure out a way we can make port before a fortnight to sell some of this off?”
Patch leaned over the map, noting the red tack used to mark their small fleet’s position. With a shrug, he pointed to a location. “Why not here?”
Spyglass leaned over. His face paled. “No. That is a bad idea. We should not go to Trottingham.”
“And what’s wrong with Trottingham?”
“Your vampire great-aunt never took you there?”
“Trottingham is a known sanctuary of marewolves. Full vampires typically avoid it,” Patch explained. “I’ll probably be fine as long as I tell any we happen to meet that I’m only one by marriage, but-”
“I will stop you right there and ask you what on earth a marewolf is, why that is a bad thing for vampires, and how on Equus you are so comfortable with any of this, Mr. Patch.”
Patch shrugged his wings. “I can’t really answer the last one, captain, and the first two were just things my Great-Aunt Star Chaser told me. I think she was drunk at the time, so the veracity might be questionable.”
“Trust me then, I will tell you the real reason we want to avoid Trottingham,” Spyglass growled. “Are you familiar with the story of its construction? Some bloody stupid architect or other decided the best way to construct a city built over a river was to let the sewage flow into the river. Every time the tide comes in, there are certain streets which are flooded with refuse. I do not wish to conduct business in a midden.”
“Ew.” Patch grimaced. “And ponies live there?”
“The rent’s cheap. Also it’s a good place to go if you want to associate with the criminal underworld.” Suddenly, something clicked. “...Actually, I may have just talked myself into arriving. He’s probably there this time of year.”
“Is this mysterious ‘he’ an old flame of yours?” Patch asked, confused. “I don’t want to pry but given your track record and the thing with Urd-”
“We do not have a thing! We have at most a thing that may… Damn you and your capacity to embarrass me, Mr. Patch!” Spyglass groaned. “And no, the individual I’m referring to is not an old flame. I know Mr. Lash has brought questions about this into all of our lives, but I can assure you I have not yet seen a stallion who I would be interested in having a ‘thing’ with.”
“So you admit to there being a thing with Urd.”
Patch found himself sprawling backwards snout over heels. Spyglass stood, dusting off his wings. “My apologies, Mr. Patch. They get a bit stiff if I don’t flex them every so often, and I had completely forgotten you were sitting beside me.”
“I admittedly deserved that one,” Patch muttered before getting back to his hooves. “So Trottingham, then?”
“Trottingham. As much as I loathe to return there. I don’t think I could wash the smell out of my mane for weeks after the last time.” Spyglass sighed. “I suppose some of the crew will be happy. Though I do expect this means we’ll be unable to make sail as quickly as I might have hoped. Landing Oracle anywhere near where opium is sold is likely to result in a period of him convalescing.”
“It’s for the best, Captain. Besides, it’s hard to end slavery without food.”
“Indeed.” Spyglass rose, adding a few last black marks to the ledger. “Do me a favor and inform Mr. Telescope that we will be making sail for Trottingham with all available haste, rather than returning to the Zebrican coasts as originally planned.”
“Aye, aye, Captain.”
“I’ve told you not to say that. Nopony says that.”
“Then everypony doesn’t know what they’re missing. It’s fun.” Patch grinned at his captain, his scar tissue only adding a slightly creepy edge to the expression. He paused on his way out. “Oh, and Captain?”
“Yes, Mr. Patch?”
“Traditionally in this kind of business, I’ve heard that the Captain gets a double share of all the captured treasures from a new vessel. Correct?”
“That is the traditional arrangement, yes,” Spyglass admitted.
“I notice on the ledger that yours are suspiciously absent. In fact, I can’t find notation for your share at all. Nothing but a monthly stipend for living expenses, which you give to all of us anyway.”
“Hmm. I must have forgotten to count those. Oh well, I’m sure they were put to good use.”
“In fact, I noticed that for a few crew members, their shares might be slightly larger than anticipated. Almost as if two separate ponies had just thrown their earnings back into the pot.”
“You may go, Mr. Patch.” Spyglass had already turned back to his work.
“Aye, Aye, Captain. And if you complain, I’ll make sure everyone knows they work for the nicest sky pirate in Equestria.”
“I will end you.”
“You don’t have a big enough stake!” Patch called over his shoulder playfully as he exited Spyglass’s cabin and made his way to the Iris ’ deck.
Spyglass sorted through his accounts, finally gathering them up into a semi-tidy pile and shutting them away in a lockbox. He hummed the first snatch of a shanty he remembered hearing in port once to himself as he turned to his atlas, plotting the course they would take to reach Trottingham later.
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Chapter 6: City In The Fog (By ScarletWeather)
“Captain’s log: Date rather unimportant at this point. After it was announced that we would be changing course to take on fresh supplies rather than attempt to fly non-stop to the coasts of Zebrica, we flew directly into a very stubborn fog bank, carried by the Weird Winds. I can only presume that the ‘weirdness’ of these magical storms is what carried a fog bank above the clouds in the first place. I have spoken to both Captain Spyglass and the esteemed Mr. Patch, and confirmed that navigation through this hazard will be difficult but not impossible, but that I should stay inside until a landing is confirmed, as - to quote them - ‘Trust us, you do not want to see what Eye Lash is trying to do with himself in all this fog.’ I concur with their judgments, and thus I have cloistered myself in my cabin for the moment. It has fortunately given me ample time to work on Cerise Velvet’s internal systems and malfunctions, including discovering her advanced note-taking capabilities…. aaaaand, stop.” Vex turned to the clockwork unicorn seated beside her. “How about it? Was it successful?”
“THIS UNIT-”
Vex coughed. “Velvet…”
“Pardon. Adjusting down. ” Velvet’s entire body rattled. Now that her voice had been lowered in volume, it was easier to distinguish. It was husky and a bit rough for a mare, but still pleasant particularly in comparison to the decibel level it had previously been stuck at. “Thank you for adjusting the vocal malfunction, Unit-Vex. This unit is more than grateful. Maximum volume for all vocalizations causes involuntary lapses in discretion.”
“I am going to pretend you were referring to something other than Eye Lash with that statement,” Vex groaned, lifting her notes. Her magical aura was still unsteady as she balanced the massive sheaf of paper, but over the last few days it had quite improved. The pale white glow of her aura seemed to grow more opaque each day. “Are the notes recorded?”
“So far as this unit is capable of, Unit-Vex. Now initiating verbal playback for confirmation.” Velvet’s mouth swung open, and the sound of gears clicking inside her body echoed through the cabin. After a few seconds of this, a new voice began to issue from her throat. “Captain’s Log: Date rather unimportant at this point… ”
“That’s enough, Velvet. Good work!”
Velvet’s mouth snapped shut, and her head shunted to the side a bit too quickly for comfort before returning to its natural position. “This unit assures you that you are welcome, Unit-Vex.”
Vex placed her notes back on her desk after making one more scribble, holding the quill in her mouth to steady it. “Fantastic,” she mused, before motioning to the door. “Thank you for your cooperation, Velvet. I should have more information on what we can divine about the workings of your memory bank in time.”
“Query, Unit-Vex.”
“Yes, Velvet?” Vex asked, pausing as she prepared to sort through her notes again.
“This unit has observed that of late, you are deliberately attempting to withhold information on this unit’s internal workings from her. In fact, after discovering this unit is capable of reproducing your notes, you have deliberately kept them from this unit’s field of vision at all times. You are troubled by something, Unit-Vex. What is it? This unit’s relationship with Unit-Eye?”
Vex froze in her chair, then shook her head. “Your pattern recognition systems are malfunctioning, Velvet. I am withholding absolutely no information from you, and even if I were it would certainly have nothing to do with that ball of depravity and filth wrapped in a horse-skin you hold so much affection for. I doubt he would be able to comprehend half the notes I’ve taken on you.”
“This unit’s pattern recognition systems have been operating at 100% of their original capacity since Unit-Vex inadvertently realigned this unit’s right and left frontal logic circuits while attempting to examine the access terminal.”
Vex’s entire body stiffened. “Velvet, I am sorry. You will have to trust me for now. All I can tell you is that we have nothing immediate to worry about, and that I promise to continue to do my best to unravel the mysteries inside of you and repair what you’ve lost.”
Velvet nodded slowly. “This unit comprehends.” She moved to the door, her steps slightly less jittery than normal, and paused once more. “Unit-Vex, this unit has one more piece of instruction to relay. Unit-Spyglass ordered the crew of the Iris to prepare to make anchor within the next hour. We are approaching Trottingham.”
“Thank you, Velvet,” Vex called as the android left the Vexation ’s cabin. Once she was alone, Vex slumped over into her chair, staring at her notes again. “Stars or no stars, this is absolutely insane,” she grumbled. “Velvet isn’t usually this sharp for one thing, and I’m not sure how on earth my repairs to the volume circuit could possibly have repaired her logic circuits as well. They shouldn’t even be located in that panel, according to contemporary models! It’s almost as if—”
She paused, looking down at her sketches of Velvet’s inner workings. Slowly, she picked up the one with the access terminal. “—as if everything is falling into place on its own.”
Before she could really begin to ruminate, a knock sounded at the door. Vex grimaced. “It’s not locked!”
Patch slipped in, shaking his coat to expel some excess moisture from the fogbank. “Vex?”
“Technically when you’re on this ship, you should probably address me as ‘Captain’ Vex,” she pointed out, hastily stowing away her notes.
“Ha-ha. You may be the pilot of this thing, but you’re also a nine year old, shrimp. You’re lucky I don’t call you ‘kiddo’,” Patch fired back, grinning.
“I could probably end your life where you stand using the technology aboard this ship.”
“And you wouldn’t, because you’re not a sociopathic crazy mare.”
“True. I suppose that title mostly belongs to the esteemed Mr. Lash.” Vex sighed. “Attempts at banter aside, I trust that this has something to do with our arrival in Trottingham if you’re here to see me? Or have you taken an interest in arcane engineering after all?”
“Not my thing. That’s for eggheads like you and Space Jam. Only thing I need to know how to work is a good gasbag and sail.” Patch pointed towards the cabin door. “Anyway, you’re right about this being a Trottingham thing. Spyglass sent me over to pick you up. Apparently he has something he wants every unicorn in the crew to hear.”
“That is both awfully specific and means spending time in a room with Eye Lash.” Vex sighed. “More and more I’m beginning to describe to the theory of nominative destiny.”
Patch blinked in surprise and confusion, raising his eyepatch in order to convey the full effect. “You think frustrating things happen to you because you’re named ‘Vexation’?”
“No, no, I named myself that because I anticipated events of this sort happening to me. I think the misfortune all comes from what my mother picked out.” Vex stuck her tongue out in disgust.
“What is it with you and the name ‘Safflower’?” Patch asked as the two headed out onto the Vexation ’s deck, a haze of white fog enveloping them.
“If I told you I doubt you’d believe me.”
“Try me. I’m part vampire by marriage.”
“...What? ”
“Thank you all for gathering here on such short notice. We’ll be making landfall in Trottingham soon, and I’ve realized I forgot to inform you all of something,” Spyglass announced.
“That being?” Jam asked from his seat. The ponies had gathered around the largest table available to them with some degree of privacy, which had turned out to be the Tomcat ’s officer’s table. A curtain had been drawn around the four unicorns, Spyglass, and Patch, and the soundproofing spell Jam had cast on it left the group in a position where, at bare minimum, they wouldn’t easily be interrupted.
That is, from outside.
“Ooh, captain! It has been ever so long since you’ve taken us aside for a private chat like this- not since Tradewinds, I believe! Are we going to discuss your sudden urge for romance? Plans to conquer Trottingham? That weird twitching thing you do as you become increasingly frustrated?” Eye asked, firing each question off as part of a non-stop barrage.
“I do not twitch when I become frustrated!” Spyglass snapped, twitching slightly as he did so.
“Mmmhmm.” Eye Lash leaned back, flashing a smug grin at Spyglass. “Do tell us all about the reason for this little get-together then, Captain.”
With one last glare and twitch in Eye’s direction, Spyglass sighed and settled himself. “As I was saying before Mr. Lash’s rude and completely inane interruption-”
“I thought it added a degree of levity!”
:”Mr. Lash, you are an idiot and even those of us who like you care very little about what you say most of the time.”
Eye gasped in horror, turning to Velvet. “My love, is it true?”
Velvet said nothing.
“My life is ruined!” Eye collapsed dramatically in his chair. “Woe is me! How can I rule the world if my stunning charisma is not enough to convince my own followers to pay heed to my words?”
“You’re screwing with me on purpose, aren’t you, Mr. Lash?” Spyglass groaned.
“Oh, you did notice!” Eye leaped back to his hooves, grinning. “Jam, that’s five bits you owe me later, dear.”
Spyglass’ howl was heard for three leagues.
When all had finally settled again, Spyglass gestured to those seated at the table. “If we’re all quite ready now?”
“As ready as these featherbrains will ever be, Captain,” Patch groused from his seat.
“That will have to do, then.” Spyglass raised his wings and gestured to the others. “The long and short of what I need to tell you is very simple: Trottingham is literally full of shit. You probably shouldn’t go into the city.”
“We were already informed of that, Captain.” Vex shook her head, annoyed. “Is this really a more productive use of my time than continuing my studies aboard our flagship?”
“I never agreed to make the Vexation a flagship!” Spyglass snapped back, before biting his lip. “Actually- wait, no, you’re entirely right. I should disclose the specifics of things. I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that you four are actually intelligent enough to keep pace with complicated concepts.”
Patch coughed, pointing to Eye with a wing.
“Most of you, anyway,” Spyglass amended, smiling at his subordinate. “The reason I feel you four specifically should avoid exploring more than perhaps the area immediately around the harbor in Trottingham is that the city has a bit of a problem with… well. Let’s just say some of the pegasi are a bit peculiar. Stuck in the old pre-Hearth’s-Warming days, shall we say? Behind the times? A bit-”
“There’s a district you’re visiting full of racist pegasus ponies,” Vex translated bluntly.
“That.” Spyglass nodded.
“A mostly ridiculous claim given that a stable, ground-dwelling city is unlikely to have a large native pegasus population anyway, and which I suspect was actually designed to prevent us from placing you under scrutiny as you head into a sensitive, potentially dangerous situation. Likely with the criminal underworld given Trottingham’s propensity to attract equine scum,” Vex continued.
Spyglass made a sound like a deflating balloon and slid under the table in shock.
Jam coughed. “Is anyone going to acknowledge the fact that somepony let the air out of the Captain?”
“We’re used to it by now,” Patch admitted, shrugging his wings. “I told him he should’ve just let you all know everything. After all, it’s difficult to stop Eye Lash from going where he wants to.”
“Right you are, my good creature of the night!”’ Eye piped up. “There is nothing in the world I cannot penetrate, given a chance!” He waggled his eyebrows. “Do you get it? Penetrate? Because, you see-”
“This Unit only somewhat appreciates the inherent humor, Unit-Eye,” Velvet droned.
“Stop. Just stop.” Vex raised her right forehoof to her brow and massaged her forehead. “Please.”
“It’s funny because penis,” Eye muttered, crossing his forehooves and turning away from the rest of the group. “Philistines.”
“He says that sometimes. I’m still not sure what it means,” Jam said apologetically.
“Nor should we dwell on it. Captain Spyglass, when you have pulled yourself together, I’d like you to present a full debriefing on what you plan to do while we’re at port, and what we can do to specifically assist you. I may be a child, but treating me like one will only sour our working relationship.” Vex tossed her head indignantly.
“This Unit believes those of us who are still conscious would like permission to ‘d’aww’ for a moment, Unit-Vex.”
“Permission granted, Velvet.”
One chorus of “d’aww” later, Spyglass managed to pull himself together, emerging from beneath the table. “I’ve decided I dislike all of you,” he grunted as he dusted his body off. “Also, I must really get somepony to sweep under there. Like the cabin boy I was supposed to have taken on.”
Eye simply whistled and polished the four-barreled pistol he had captured aboard the Tomcat .
“...Or anyone else, they work too I suppose,” Spyglass amended hastily.
“Captain Spyglass, as much as some small part of me enjoys watching your pain I really must insist you come clean on the real reason you want the rest of us to limit our involvement in Trottingham,” Vex interjected.
The captain sighed, seating himself at the table once more. “Very well, then. I suppose it was abject foolishness to try to dance around the issue without a suitable cover story anyway.” He took a deep breath. “The stallion I’m going to meet with when we anchor in Trottingham is somepony I’ve known almost since the beginning of my career. Over the years, I’ve developed a relationship of trust and discretion with him. He passes on information to me, and I make sure that this information goes nowhere else without his explicit permission.”
“He sounds like the world’s most exclusive pimp,” Eye interrupted. “I don’t suppose you could put a good word in about my own level of discretion, Captain?”
“In a word, Mr. Lash, no . In several worlds: No, never, not a chance, over my fetid corpse, supremely impossible, absolutely never, stop dreaming, not going to happen, and- quoting the single greatest lines ever written by Shaken Spear during the patronage of his performances by Princess Celestia herself- ‘Fuck No .’” Spyglass glared out of his one good eye at the unfortunate unicorn. “Your lack of the aforesaid quality is, in fact, the very reason I intend to limit the number of ponies who even approach this broker to myself and Mr. Patch.”
“Shaken Spear wrote that last bit?” Jam asked, appearing genuinely puzzled for a moment.
“The Merchant of Tradewinds , Act III, Scene IV,” Velvet answered. “It’s considered the first use of low diction in a performance intended to be viewed by members of the noble class, and thus one of the first avant-garde performances of theater brought to Canterlot. Apocryphal tradition tells of the Princess applauding the line so hard that it drowned out the booing of several nobles and saved the performance from ruin, though some scholars dispute this and attribute it to the ancestor of the current Duchess Blueblood.” She twitched a bit after delivering the speech. “Unit-Vex, it appears that This Unit’s ‘pointless trivia recall’ functions have also been restored.”
“Who in Equus would give an android a pointless trivia function?” Jam asked, somewhat aghast.
“Apparently whichever Unit is responsible for This Unit’s construction, Unit-Jam.”
Spyglass coughed. “Are you all beginning to see now why I’m imploring you to stay away from my meeting? One slip in front of the broker, one slight indiscretion, and a working relationship built over the last decade and a half is shot.” He paused for a moment, considering something. “Actually, when Mr. Lash is brought into the equation, that might be a literal outcome.”
“So what are your plans for the rest of the crew, Captain? You mentioned only bringing Patch with you, so clearly we’re not the only ones you didn’t want present for this little get-together of yours,” Vex jumped in before Eye Lash could retort.
“They know better at this point.” Spyglass’ voice was uncharacteristically cold. Nobody pressed further.
“Don’t worry, Captain Spyglass. I can personally promise that not a single one of us will do anything that could remotely endanger your meeting,” Eye Lash practically purred.
Spyglass fell under the table for the second time.
“Oh, that was so worth it.”
“So remind me again why you and I are strolling down the streets of Trottingham in absolute defiance of what you told Captain Spyglass not two hours ago?” Jam asked as he and Eye Lash strolled through the fetid squalor of Trottingham’s residential district. His hoof squelched into a puddle that was mostly water. Mostly. He yanked it out with a shudder, casting a quick charm of cleansing to scour the filth from his coat. It was the fifth time he had repeated this gesture in as many minutes.
“Simple, my good consort! I promised not to interfere with the Captain’s meeting- and indeed I will not. But I never promised to directly overpower the crewmember covertly set to watch my actions, leap dramatically over the side of the ship with you in tow, create a barrier spell to stop us from splatting against the ground on impact, and whisk you away on a whirlwind adventure to the nearest location selling spirits and populist entertainment for an afternoon of fun and debauchery!” Eye crowed.
“None of that happened. You asked me if I fancied a drink and I said yes because you were doing something very distracting with your hips. Then you dragged me down the gangplank and into the street,” Jam complained.
“Well no, none of that happened in the most literal sense of the term, but it makes for a far more exciting story doesn’t it?” Eye asked, unperturbed. “Oh, Jam, darling, I suggest you leap about twenty-five centimeters to the left after your next two steps.”
“What-”
Eye leaped deftly out of the path of an oncoming river of filth as a pony emptied her chamber pot from a row-house window. Jam could only stare in shock and horror as a stream of the vilest substances he could imagined poured down upon him. His fight or flight instincts kicked into high gear, and his combat training from the academy surfaced. The cobblestones beneath his feet cracked as a magical surge rocked through them.
The torrent of waste hissed as it impacted the surface of a bright blue shield spell and was vaporized. Jam released the spell moments later, shaking his head as he began to nurse a small headache. “Couldn’t you have just warned me that somepony was about to empty their bowels onto my head?”
“I did,” Eye Lash chortled before moving in and, before Jam was quite prepared, pecking him on the lips. “Oh come now, my dear, you’re being entirely too stuffy about this whole adventure. Look! Yonder stands the nearest public house, and within it are unparalleled delights and excitements! Why, I can just feel it- even more than I felt destiny’s tug when we first met!” He practically bounced away, leaving Jam to trail behind, still nursing his aching horn.
When the haze of the kiss coupled with the backlash from using far too much concentrated power in his spell faded, Jam frowned. Something about what Eye had said bothered him. Something obvious. What was it?
He shook himself out of his reverie and cantered after the pink-coated unicorn as quickly as he could. For now, his only job was to make sure that devil of a stallion didn’t massacre half the city on a lark.
He prayed that Velvet and Vex would follow along soon.
“I’m surprised you two didn’t tag along with Eye Lash and his boyfriend,” Spyglass said as he pored through the contents of his saddlebags, barely acknowledging Vex and Velvet’s presence behind him. “Vex, you’ve been attached at the hip to Velvet for days now. And Velvet, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you without Eye Lash where you haven’t been undergoing maintenance.”
“This Unit does not require Unit-Eye’s immediate presence to function, Unit-Spyglass.” Velvet bristled- or well, twitched mechanically in a fashion that might be compared to bristling. “Besides, This Unit made sure to affix a tracking spell to Unit-Eye long before this point.”
“I’m not sure whether to congratulate you on your increased maturity or be frightened you bothered to do that,” Spyglass admitted as he closed his saddlebags and hefted them into place.
“A little of both seems appropriate,” Vex spoke up, leaping onto Velvet’s back and then onto the android’s head in order to put herself closer to Spyglass’ eye level. “You timed this quite well, I notice, Captain. Letting Eye Lash leave all but guarantees he’ll find some sort of amusement to deal with all on his own, and leaves you free to pursue your friend the broker with minimal risk of entanglement in his shenanigans.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about, Miss Vex,” Spyglass huffed. “It was a happy accident, I assure you.”
“Hiding your intelligence does not behoove you, Captain. I gave up on that quite some time ago.” Vex motioned to Velvet, and the android leaned in closer, bringing Vex close to Spyglass’ ear. “Are we being listened in on by anypony that you know of?”
“Nopony that I would care about,” Spyglass muttered back. “Is this something of importance?”
“I broke the code we found aboard the Utter Vexation while you were under the table that second time.” Vex produced a small slip of paper, passing it to Spyglass. “I suggest memorizing this phrase and destroying the note in order to ensure a minimal risk of information leakage.”
Spyglass muttered to himself as he read the note’s contents. “The Eclipse is coming for the Sun… alert our brothers in Trottingham?”
“That’s what it says. I did find an alternative cipher, but the results if you run the message in that one are a mixture of nonsense syllables and the Old Equish words for ‘improve yourself’ written three times.” Vex frowned. “Actually now that I give the matter some thought, I really should’ve looked into that second one more. It’s a mathematical impossibility that the cipher have such a specific alternate solution unless some meaning was intended on the part of its creators. Well no, not an impossible. Just an extreme…”
She trailed off, her expression growing vacant.
“Unit-Vex, Unit-Spyglass is still present.”
“Ah, right.” Vex hopped to attention at Velvet’s gentle reminder. “In any case, there you have it. It’s a rather flimsy code if it ties into what I’m expecting you’ll hear from your broker, but I suggest showing this to him at your earliest convenience during your normal course of business.”
“I’m obliged.” Spyglass chomped the note down and swallowed it, making sure to chew it thoroughly. “I would be even more obliged if the two of you would go and-”
“We already planned to tail Jam and Eye Lash and ensure they cause a minimum of chaos,” Vex replied. “Not that anything they do should matter terribly. Trottingham is a notoriously lax zone given the royal guard barely visits and by all accounts the officials running the city are too corrupt to care much about the law when they aren’t being specifically bribed to. Eye could probably commit serial murder in a tavern and get away with it here.”
“This Unit still believes it is preferable to avoid the mess it would cause. Physically cleaning up Unit-Eye’s victims is a time-consuming process,” Velvet chimed in as she and Vex exited the cabin.
Patch emerged from the shadows of the room the moment the two were gone, shaking out his feathers. “That was more difficult than it looked. On the bright side, I’ve apparently got the hang of it.”
“Mr. Patch, it seems our journey to this den of refuse and villainy will not be an utter waste.” Spyglass motioned towards the door. “Stay close to me as we fly. My contact’s bodyguards generally have orders to shoot on sight, but they know me by now. Or at least, the last group did.”
“Comforting.”
Space Jam hadn’t been sure what to expect of a Trottingham tavern, having spent most of his life in Canterlot and Tradewinds. His knowledge of bars was mostly colored by those frequented by academics- loud, raucous, and full of half-drunken unicorns chatting amiably about how they had modified basic transmutation spells to enhance their sexual prowess. On occasion, he’d even been one of those half-drunken unicorns. Whatever he’d expected, though, what was in front of his eyes now pushed all those memories from his mind.
The first thing to hit him was the smell. Tradewinds was a popular trading destination and close enough to a few tropical locations that rum flowed freely, but the academics preferred gin and tonic. Scent-purifying charms were cast over a Tradewinds bar each day to make it less onerous. Trottingham’s relatively low population of trained mages meant no such precautions were in place here. The overpowering smell of fecal matter from the streets outside was something Jam had become almost desensitized to by this point, but here it mingled with old piss and the smell of hours-old vomit in a corner. Shards of glass littered the floor, ponies crushing them underhoof without a second thought. Two drunks who would have been escorted home by the city guard anywhere else were flailing about the room, begging for cash from any patron who would give them an ear. Most ponies ignored them, until finally a particularly annoyed earth pony mare smashed their heads into a table. Even this went overlooked.
The walls hadn’t been scrubbed in at least two decades. A fine film of mold grew from them. At least, Jam hoped it was only mold. Cleaning was clearly a low priority for the owner. And moderating the behavior of patrons as well, apparently. He cast an eye about, trying to pick the owner of the establishment out of the crowd. One pony sat behind the bar, cleaning a glass which only seemed to get murkier as he rubbed a rag across it. Two waiters, both heavily scarred earth ponies wearing single earrings, served drinks on the floor. The only other employee of the establishment- and it was debatable if he actually worked there- was a young pegasus stallion playing an out-of-tune accordion in a corner as nearby patrons belted out the words to an old drinking song.
Most ponies experienced regret as a stinging, lingering feeling that hovered around the edge of their consciousness and darted in at opportune moments, flaring up like pain from an old wound. For Space Jam, regret behaved somewhat more like a tidal wave. It came suddenly, buried every other thought, and left him a hopeless wreck in its wake.
And the center of the tavern. By Celestia’s grace, the center.
He’d heard that in cities not directly administered by the crown, some shady things went down. He’d expected some kind of base entertainment. Bare-hoofed scrattering perhaps. Gambling. Knowing Eye Lash, a secret whorehouse or arms dealer or arms-dealing whorehouse would have been entirely plausible as a possibility. He had not expected to see what was apparently somepony’s sick idea of a freak show. A burly donkey had been placed in the center, where patrons threw coins and nuts at him and laughed as he scrambled for them. A heavy stake was driven into the ground, and an iron chain ran from it to the donkey’s throat. Jam could see brands and scars that spoke of physical abuse scored into the captive’s coat. Next to him and also tied by heavy chains to a stake, some kind of creature Jam had never seen was curled in a defensive crouch as she dodged her head from side to side, avoiding bottles and glasses thrown at her.
It was almost too much for the academic. He felt his stomach churn and flip, and was grateful he hadn’t yet eaten.
He looked at Eye. Surely, even with his peculiar sensibilities, Eye Lash couldn’t be unmoved by the scene in front of him.
What he saw made Jam’s blood nearly turn to ice in his veins.
Eye Lash was laughing.
It wasn’t laughter born of derision, or the laughter of a pony who had been pushed past their limits and could only laugh at the horror of their situation. Eye Lash was laughing because he was amused. Because somehow in this squalor, even seeing what had been done to those two creatures, Eye Lash found the entire concept of what he was watching amusing.
There was a point where physical attraction could numb Space Jam to his cohort’s nature. That point had been passed.
Eye Lash blinked in surprise as he sprawled across the floor, blood leaking from his lip. Jam stared at his own forehoof in disgust for a moment before casting his cleansing charm, cleaning away the residue of his assault. “What kind of monster are you?” he growled to Eye, magical aura beginning to gather around him.
“Ooh, are we playing this sort of game now? It’s so refreshing to see you take the lead for once, darling.” Eye pulled himself to his feet, working his jaw a few times to make sure it wasn’t broken. “Although next time, could you hit me in a slightly less vulnerable spot? If you had broken my jaw with that strike, it would be rather hard for me to service you in certain ways.”
Jam paid no attention to the unicorn in front of him. Instead, he grabbed a chair in his magic and slammed it against the ground hard enough to splinter it into pieces. As he predicted, nopony paid the least attention to him. “How can you laugh at this?” he roared, gesturing to the bar with a chair leg he now wielded as a makeshift club. “How, by the seasons, could you possibly see something this- this evil and find it funny?”
Eye Lash blinked again and slowly assumed a less provocative position. His tail, which had been raised high, flagged. Even his mane seemed to deflate slightly. “Darling, I don’t know what you mean. What’s wrong about laughing at this?”
Jam opened his mouth to reply, but then paused. His breathing grew sharp and he dropped his weapon. “You’re joking.”
“No, my dear. I can’t help but notice I’ve done something that has upset you. I do rather try to avoid upsetting my lovers if I can help it, you know.” Eye smiled. “Please explain. Pretty please?”
“I can’t believe this,” Jam muttered, half to himself. He responded to the other unicorn’s question in a slightly louder register. “Eye, you can’t possibly ignore this. Look at them!” he picked up his club again, gesturing to the captives in the center of the tavern. “Bear-baiting is base cruelty at the worst of times, but those are creatures who have intelligence and wisdom on the same level as ponykind! Only an absolute monster could find what’s happening to them anything less than an expression of evil in its vilest form.”
Eye Lash tried to parse this information, then shook his head. “I’m afraid I still don’t entirely understand why cruelty is ‘evil’. I’m sure you’ll have time to tell me later.”
Slowly, a new realization began to wash away Jam’s rage. He began to see the stallion in front of him for the first time. “Eye, you have no idea what good and evil really are, do you?”
In a way, Jam realized, it almost made sense that the stallion in front of him lacked a Cutie Mark. It was like hearing the myths of the First Ponies all over again from his professor of philosophy. ‘And at the beginning, Equinity was separate from Nature, but we did not yet understand the moral sense given to us by Harmony to set us apart. And so all did what was right in their own eyes.’
“They’re difficult to understand, but it’s no matter. The universe is easy to follow if you just remember that the real choice is between boredom and excitement.” Eye smiled at Jam, blood still leaking from his lip in a faint trickle. “But darling, I think you’ve misunderstood me. I’m not laughing because those two are being toyed with by the ponies here. I’m laughing because I looked at that curious creature and got the feeling that something unbearably exciting is going to happen any moment now.”
Before Jam could really register exactly how worried those words should make him, the door to the tavern burst open. An earth pony filly, maybe only a year or two older than Vex, barreled through the doorway at a speed which would’ve made a champion sprinter envious. “Heeeeeeelllllllppp! ” she screamed before launching herself into the air and landing dramatically at Space Jam’s feet. “Somepony help me!”
Space Jam’s protective instincts kicked in before anything else, and he instinctively raised a bubble around himself and the filly. Through its translucent surface he saw Eye covertly reaching for one of his many weapons, a grin on the pink stallion’s face. Well, whatever was coming for this child, it wouldn’t enjoy its welcome. Jam reached down, placing a brotherly hoof on the filly’s shoulder. “Calm down, young lady, it’s alright. We’ll help you.”
“It’s terrible!” the filly sobbed, clinging to Space Jam’s forelegs. “I’ve been forced into an arranged marriage with Stormy Weather! If he and his goons catch up to me, it’s all over, and I have no money to pay him back what my parents owe! Please help me, Mister Noble! You can cover it, I’m sure!”
Jam frowned at her words. “I’m not a noble.”
“You aren’t? But only nobles walk through Trottingham and stay as clean as you!” The filly frowned. “Well, you’re still probably super-rich, right?”
“Not even remotely.” Space Jam kept his eyes fixed on the door. He could hear the sounds of an approaching group of pursuers.
“O-oh.” There was terror in the filly’s voice, but Jam sensed something underneath it- disappointment. “Well, um, what are you then, mister?”
Eye Lash grinned, speaking up for the first time just as a group of muscular pegasi slammed their way into the tavern, lead by a snow-white stallion whose cutie mark appeared to be a sledgehammer striking a cloud. “Well that’s easy, my young friend. The two of us are sky pirates.”
Before the leader of the pegasi could get out a single word, Eye had fired off a shot from his pistol that clipped through the stallion’s right ear. The pegasus screamed in pain, clapping a hoof to the side of his head.
The filly let go of Jam’s legs and backed away, bumping into the surface of his bubble shield. “Aw, nuts,” she muttered.
“I immediately regret my decision to venture into Trottingham personally. Still, I suppose with Jam taking point, it was unavoidable. I really don’t trust the rest of the crew with looking out for you, Velvet.”
Velvet made a small, tinny “hmph”-ing noise. “Unit-Vex, This Unit assures you that she is capable of self-preservation.”
Vex sat astride Velvet’s back as the two made their way through the streets of Trottingham’s market district. Somewhat removed from the river and definitely removed from the residential district where most waste-disposal took place and where the cesspits had been dug, the market district was far less disgusting. Still, there was a certain level of sleaziness about it that reminded Vex uncomfortably of the kind of back alleyways she had sometimes slept in on warm nights in Tradewinds- complete with the occasional salt dealer masquerading as a food stand.
Vex patted Velvet gently. “Of course you’re capable of protecting yourself. I’m more worried about self-maintenance. Besides, I’m not going to let my favorite android wander off into a big city where she might be set upon by rival scientists and tinkerers before I’m done fixing her.”
“This Unit appreciates your sentiment, Unit-Vex. However, your attempt at evasion is still transparent. You have yet to give sufficient response to This Unit’s earlier query about your notes.”
Vex stiffened. “That’s unimportant, Velvet.”
“This Unit is fully capable of judging the importance of the information thanks to your repairs, Unit-Vex. Please.”
Vex felt her head begin to ache. Could she say it? Could she actually tell Velvet what she had begun to suspect, what was becoming more and more likely each time she reviewed the notes she had taken? If she said something and Velvet grew unstable, it could be disastrous. But keeping things secret might be its own poison. The longer she went without saying anything either way, the more suspicious Velvet became. For perhaps the first time in her life, Vex found herself unable to come up with a satisfying potential answer.
“To Admiral Cerise, boys!”
“For the Admiral and for the Prize!”
The world seemed to freeze. Time had stopped moving. Vex felt her breath catch in her lungs. “Impossible.”
The ponies in front of her were dressed in uniforms marking them as sailors for some sort of navy, though for a private fleet rather than the crown itself. Four pegasi. Two unicorns. All were stallions somewhere between adolescence and adulthood. One was young enough that Vex could see pimples still dotting his forehead. The four were laughing raucously as they passed around what appeared to be a two-handled mug brimming with foul-smelling grog. On the lapels of their sea-green jackets, Vex saw a small pin. It wasn’t uncommon, she remembered from her days watching ponies at the docks while her father helped build the ships they would fly in, for sailors of a private fleet to wear pins in the shape of their commander’s cutie mark. These six were no different.
However, what she saw was something that should’ve been absolutely impossible. There was no way those six should be wearing a pin shaped like Velvet’s cutie mark.
Absolutely no way.
“Unit-Vex, This Unit detects that your heart rate has increased. Please state whether you require This Unit’s assistance.”
Vex couldn’t respond. Her mind was moving at millions of miles a second. Nothing about this scenario made sense. Nothing. Even her wildest dreams of who the artificer was hadn’t lead her to this as a possibility.
The youngest member of the group spotted Velvet. “Hey, isn’t that-?”
The other focused their attention, and all of hell broke loose.
“The mechanical impostor!”
“The hell’s she doing here?”
“That means the rest of the bastards are here too!”
“Everypony back to the docks, we have to inform the admiral now !”
The six turned to run back towards Trottingham’s harbor. Vex found her voice. “Velvet, don’t let them get away.”
“Query, Unit-Vex. Why are we in danger from them?”
“I can’t understand everything that’s happening, but I suspect those ponies to be members of a noble’s private fleet. If they report back to their commanding officer, it may not go well for us. For the sake of Captain Spyglass and his crew, we can’t allow that to happen.”
“Unit-Vex, This Unit requests direct verbal authorization to use deadly force in this crowded area if necessary.”
The pegasi were beginning to take wing. There was no time left to decide.
“Don’t hold back. Search and destroy, Velvet. Search and destroy!”
The tavern buzzed as ponies began to stand up, tearing their attention away from the accordion player and the captives at the center to watch the stand-off which had now formed.
Space Jam had lowered his protective bubble, not wanting to use the energy required to keep it up consistently, but was ready to cast it again at a moment’s notice. For now it seemed as if he’d have very little need to. Eye Lash had trained his weapon on the group of thugs, and none seemed ready to make the first move. Their leader was howling in pain as he nursed his wound. “The fuck? You shot me! You shot me in the ear!” he bellowd at Eye, “Who does that shit?”
“Well, it was either that or shoot you somewhere far more sensitive. My darling Space Jam here might have been splattered with blood or brain matter if I had actually shot your head, and I’ve just been informed that pointless cruelty is evil.” Eye licked the barrel of a second pistol seductively before leveling it. “Of course, in the words of the great goat philosopher Aries McPherson, ‘you have to be cruel to be kind.’”
“Aries McPherson was the Tyrant of Colchis. You’re thinking Aries Two-Fannies, who took revenge on his parents for giving him such a ridiculous name by writing satires,” the blue filly muttered. “Didja never study history, ya big palooka?”
Jam blinked. Something about this entire scenario was beginning to become suspect.
The injured pegasus stepped forward. “Look, wise guy, you can’t shoot every one of us down. Give us the girl or give us the bits, or otherwise you’re gonna be sleepin’ in a bed of shit at the bottom of a cesspool!” His cohorts nodded in agreement.
The blue filly licked her lips slowly and looked at the pegasus. “Look, Mick-”
“My name’s not Mick!”
“Yeah, whatever.” She sighed. “Look, I told you this was gonna be an easy ten thousand bits, maybe more, but that was before we knew this poncey guy here was some kind of high-flyin’ sky pirate and not a noble. Time to cut our losses and hightail it.”
“Cut our losses?” The injured pegasus held up a bloodstained hoof. “He shot my ear! He ain’t gonna do that and get away with it!”
“Look, you big galoot, I’ve just about had it with all of you two-bit muscleheads!” The blue filly stamped her hooves in frustration. “If you don’t back yourselves down, I ain’t gonna cry over your funerals. Is that crystal clear?”
“You ain’t my boss, Smooth Talk!”
“Funny, Mick, that’s not what you said when I told you I’d split things sixty-forty with you lot if we could pull this scheme off. Ain’t my problem if you don’t have enough brains to realize when it’s time to fold.” Smooth Talk backed away, nodding to Eye Lash.
Jam glared down at her with a mixture of fascination and horror .”Did you just try to con us?”
“Could be worse. Could’ve tried to slit your throats while you were walkin’ down the street. I think lettin’ you all think you were big heroes was a downright friendly plan by comparison, don’t you?” Smooth Talk held out a hoof. “Name’s Smooth Talk. I’m the brains of this here operation. Or I was until the big genius up there decided he’d rather get himself shot than listen to me.”
“You little shit, Smooth Talk! You said this was gonna be easy! Like taking candy from a baby!” The pegasus was still making his way slowly towards the trio. His friends, unsure of what to do, had now begun to encircle them as well. What had been simulated danger before was rapidly turning genuine.
“Eh, whatever ya say, Mick. I told you he was a poncey nobleman, too, and he’d melt. I was half-right. Now you? You’re about to be a hundred percent wrong. You take one step toward these two, and they’re probably gonna kill or mutilate you.” Smooth Talk looked at one of her hooves idly as she spoke, examining it to see if her earlier stamping had chipped it at all. “You muscleheads are incapable of seein’ when your ability to make threats ain’t gonna cut it.”
That was enough. The lead pegasus lunged at Eye Lash with a scream of anger.
Eye smiled and pulled the trigger. The gunshot echoed through the room.
The pegasus collapsed to the ground, screaming, hooves held around his sheath. Blood streamed across the floor.
“As all of you can see,” Eye announced, projecting his voice as much as he could, “I have shot this gentlepony in his dick. In all fairness, I did warn him that the next bullet would be more painful. If any of you wish to visit further harm on my person or any of my companions, I will happily render you the same service. Or if you’re into that, trust me, I don’t judge.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
As the ponies of the bar erupted into murmurs and the pegasus’s cohorts bunched to attack, Space Jam saw his opportunity. After such a display, no living pony would attempt to rush Eye Lash head-on right away even if they wanted his blood. And in the chaos, not a single pony was actually paying attention to the captives. Pragmatism dictated that even with this chance handed to him, he should concentrate on making sure that he and Eye escaped the tavern in one piece. Pragmatism said that what he was about to do would make more enemies than a few idiotic pegasi who hadn’t quite learned what a monster they were fighting yet.
Pragmatism, however, had always played second fiddle to Space Jam’s other instincts when it came down to it.
Two blue bolts of energy hissed through the air from his horn, hitting the iron collars wrapped around the donkey and other creature’s neck. The collars burst open, falling to the ground with a dull thud. Both former captives stared, unsure of what had just happened.
The donkey was the first to react, trying in vain to bolt as his neck snapped to the side. Jam felt sick to his stomach. Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the bartender, who held a flintlock rifle. The donkey fell to his side, his breathing ragged.
Jam wasted no time. The bartender was forced to duck as a bolt of blue light smashed into the shelves above him, shattering the bottles arrayed there.
Then, the other creature began to rear up to her full height, and Jam began to understand precisely what he had unleashed.
She was bipedal, and stood only just short of a minotaur. Her hind legs rippled with powerful muscles. Clawed fingers reached up as she scratched at the welts around her neck where the collar had been fixed. Then she bent down, poking at the donkey’s side with her shorter forearms. “Delaney, don’t you be doin’ this to me now. Weren’t you always the one who’d say ‘let’s break out together’?”
The donkey’s breathing was heavy, and he gasped as he kicked with his right hoof. “I’m breathin’ the air again, with no weight around my neck, Leila. That’s as much as I can ask for now. Don’t wait up for me. Just need a little breather. Big girl like you should be fine on her own, shouldn’t you?”
“I’ll tell yer ma you went out tearing this place down around us,” Leila vowed. Tears had begun to well up in her eyes.
“Nah, nah, tell her the truth. Tell her Delaney went off to run a big race. A race across the fields of Elysium.” A somber smile crossed the donkey’s face, and he breathed his last.
Leila made an unearthly noise as she left the donkey’s corpse. The bartender appeared from behind the counter again, taking aim. Jam prepared to fire another shot of suppressing fire.
It wasn’t necessary.
The bobbing and weaving motions Leila had displayed earlier weren’t for show. With a howl of rage she had leaped into the air, instantly crossing the distance from where she stood on the floor to the bar’s counter. The bartender moved his weapon up a fraction of a second too late to avoid her pounce. Powerful hind legs slammed into his body, and there was a faint popping noise as she dislocated his right foreleg..
The chaos in the bar was growing. Jam reached out with his magic, throwing a bubble around himself, Eye, and Smooth Talk all at once. Through its shimmering surface, he heard Leila begin to chuckle. “Well now, my handsome stallion, you’ve gone and fucked up haven’t you? Now my best mate in the world is shot and you’re to blame, and to boot you’ve given me quite a few lovely scars for the sake of increased tourist revenue. I find that a cryin’ shame, I do. Seems to me I’m owed a few scars of my own!”
Jam did not see what happened behind the counter, but the noises he heard left him satisfied that visuals were unnecessary.
Eye Lash grinned as he listened. “Ooh, so that’s what kangaroos are like! I think we have another crew member, don’t you, Jam dear?”
Smooth Talk squinted at Eye Lash. “Oh? And what about me, are you just flying off to parts unknown and leaving a potential source of incredible monetary gain sitting around? Think about it- my brains, your brawn. You and me, kids, all the way to the top!”
Eye shrugged. “Oh, right. Yes, you can come too.”
Behind Eye’s back, the filly stuck out her tongue. “Palooka...”
Jam considered his tactical options.
The entire bar was in a state of war. There were at least five pegasus ponies who now wanted him dead, not to mention anypony else in the bar who was fond of the two people who had just been mutilated. If Eye Lash or this Leila character stayed behind, things were certain to turn into a bloodbath. Smooth Talk was unlikely to be of any assistance in a fight. Realistically, he had only one option. He edged closer to Eye Lash. “Listen to me, um, darling . When you see a bright flash of light, get ready to run for the exit and don’t stop running until you’re back at the Iris .”
Eye Lash frowned. “But I don’t want to run away. All the exciting things are happening in here!”
“Trust me, there will be plenty of excitement if you two run,” Jam growled. Then over the din, he shouted to Leila. “Hey, Kangaroo! Get ready to run if you want to live!”
“Run yourself!” She screamed back, her heading poking up from the bar. “Bastards owe me three months of my life I want back, and a friend who was like a brother besides!”
Before Jam could consider his options further, Eye Lash shouted a reply. “Oh, is that who that flea-bitten carcass the gentlestallion behind the bar put out of his misery was?”
“What’d you call Delaney, you-”
As Leila wound up, Eye nudged Jam. “I think she’ll follow us now, don’t you?”
Not for the first time, Jam found himself wondering just how savvy Eye really was. He steeled himself. “Barrier is going down in three… two…one.”
As the translucent bubble of light burst, Jam released a charge of magical energy from his horn. A white hot flare of light blinded anypony who hadn’t been prepared. Through the light, Jam saw dim shadows passing by- Eye, Smooth Talk, and one of the pegasi who was a bit quicker on the uptake. A sudden rush of air confirmed that Leila had bounded past as well. Jam maneuvered himself to block the exit.
When the light faded, several dazed and angry ponies faced Space Jam, who drew himself up to his full height.
“Move, prettyboy,” one of them growled.
“I’m afraid I won’t be doing that.” Jam gave his best imperious glare to the crowd. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Space Jam, formerly of Tradewinds, now of the Farsight Pirates. If any of you want to harm my friends, I’m afraid you’ll have to go through me.”
The first pegasus had only just begun to launch himself into the air when the net hit.
It was only natural. The number of bystanders in the market made using her spraygun or flamethrower untenable. Velvet had instead engaged a net-launcher located in her right-front knee joint. Two of the pegasus ponies were entangled in it instantly. The two unicorns began to focus their magic to tear it away and the remaining two pegasi pitched in with mouths and hooves, tugging as hard as they could to remove the entanglement. The coldly logical part of Vex realized that this action alone- placing the safety of two comrades over the delivery of intelligence- meant that the six were likely enlisted personnel rather than seasoned officers. Such concern was noble, but without at least sending one of their number to act as a messenger it was ultimately futile. All six were now isolated, clumped together, and not in a fit position to respond to assault.
Vex remembered her mother reading her stories of the faraway islands where strange creatures called cyclopes kept living creatures as property, and then led them away in groups to be slaughtered and eaten. The creatures had been so stripped of intelligence that they could do nothing to resist, and simply let themselves be led away. She hadn’t been able to sleep that night. Chills passed through her body.
There was still time to rescind the order. If she spoke quickly, Velvet would call off her assault. The six ponies would live, albeit now a bit worse for wear as sparks of electricity raced through the net, delivering a paralyzing shock to the ponies holding it. It might even be possible to drag them through the streets of Trottingham back to the Iris to be detained and interrogated.
Or, infinitely more likely, one of the six would recover, make good on the escape, and summon reinforcements. If even one of the enemy’s ships was at all as well armed as the Vexation , it was doubtful whether Vex’s small fleet would survive the encounter. There would almost certainly be casualties. In fact, it wouldn’t be stretch to say that at the moment, it was a choice between letting these six live and living herself. So Vex hesitated, her breath caught in her throat.
No. She was being ridiculous. There was no guarantee that any of the six would escape if spared. Even less of a guarantee that they had the firepower to challenge the Vexation . She opened her mouth, ready to give Velvet new direction.
As she did, six small ‘phut’ noises sounded in rapid succession. Each one was followed by a pony’s head jerking to the side and their body collapsing to the street. A rifle with a curious attachment, likely meant to muffle sound, folded itself into Velvet’s body.
Vex stared mutely at the six dead ponies soaking the street with their blood.
Velvet had cornered, incapacitated, and executed all six in under a minute. The efficiency she displayed wasn’t something Vex could have ever described as “brutal”, prolific as that phrase might be. Brutality would imply emotion or passion, or at least cruelty. Velvet had displayed none of those attributes. She had simply executed her orders in the fewest possible steps, like the machine she was.
Steps she had been able to execute only because of Vex.
The last sixty seconds of her life seemed to spiral out into an infinity in Vex’s mind. Every weapon she had recovered functionality for. Every time she had realigned circuitry just to see what it would do. Every time she had tinkered with Velvet’s gears to remove any blockages between them and ensure smooth operations. Every one of them had lead up to this minute, this second, this single point in time when she had been too slow to take back a thoughtless order. And now six ponies were dead.
Vex had seen death before. It was impossible not to, living on the streets of Tradewinds for a year. But she had never participated. For the first time it was her weapon that had been fired. No matter how she looked at the situation, Velvet was not to blame- she was only following instructions. Velvet had no capacity to disobey those instructions under the circumstances. Each one of those corpses was something Vex would shoulder the blame for. Each one of them was a life she had ended just as certainly as if she had personally fired a shotgun into their skulls, point-blank.
Vex’s voice rasped in her throat. “Velvet.”
“Yes, Unit-Vex?”
“Use of deadly force is prohibited until further notice.” Even as she said it, Vex realized it was only a futile gesture. Velvet had no reason to fire on the crowd, who had gawked at what they saw but were too paralyzed by confusion or fear to take action. The moment the two returned to the ships, Spyglass’ orders would outrank Vex’s, making the prohibition even more meaningless. And no amount of prohibitions on deadly force would bring six dead ponies back.
Even so, Vex let the order stand. “We’re returning to the ship. I- I may require assistance moving. If anypony tries to stop us, evasion is first priority, and then nonviolent incapacitation if possible.”
“Acknowledged.”
As Velvet scooped Vex up and placed her on top of her back, the filly began to sniffle.
And as the two made their way back to the Vexation , for the first time since her father’s death, Vex began to cry.
“Hey, you! Sky Pirate pistol-toting mis-quoting muscleman! You!” Smooth Talk ran frantically, trying to keep pace with Eye Lash as they dashed back through the very streets he and Jam had taken on their way to the tavern. “You seem like the kind of stallion who enjoys a bit of rough-and-tumble excitement but also knows how to lay back and take it easy! Have you considered ditching that uncomfortable tub you fly around on and joinin’ in with somepony who knows where the real bits are? I’m talking paid benefits, holidays, life insurance, family connections-”
“You keep saying words but all I’m hearing are terrible job offers!” Eye called over his shoulder as he ran. “Clearly you haven’t yet realized that you’re in the company of the future Emperor of Equestria. It’s okay! I magnanimously forgive your ignorance!”
Smooth Talk skidded to a halt, glaring ahead. “You callin’ me ignorant? Me? Listen up, bonehead, I’m the sharpest mind this side of Trottingham, and if you and your hired love slave hadn’t waltzed into the middle of my perfectly good scheme I’d still have a half-decent bunch of featherbrained goons and a nice little operation. Would’ve landed us on easy street any day now! And you all had to show up and wreck it when I was this close to retirement!”
Eye stopped moving as well, turning to glare down at the filly. “Do you know, someone I shot the other day was complaining of just that same malady!”
“Ah, I see. Should’ve known a chump like you would be the type to pick on the elderly.” Smooth drew herself up to her full height, which required balancing on her hind legs in order to bring her head level with Eye’s. “Listen up, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse. Either you agree to pay me back what you owe me for getting rid of a perfectly good set of hired muscles, or I waltz on down to the Trottingham guard and give ‘em a nice big bribe to confiscate any pirate ships they find down at the harbor.”
Eye leveled a pistol at Smooth Talk nonchalantly. “And what makes you think I’d let you get that far, my dear? I’m not particularly discriminatory in who I shoot. All corpses end up in the same place anyway.”
Smooth Talk grinned. “Well, I’m not particularly convinced I’d get away with it. I just wanted to keep you talking long enough to get into a situation where I had a bit more leverage.”
Eye couldn’t help smiling back. “And what kind of situation is that?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ something along these lines.”
“BLOOD AND VINEGARRRRRR! ”
Smooth Talk dropped to all four hooves and crouched just in time for Leila to come soaring over her head and land headlong on Eye Lash’s body.
Jam stared down the crowd. So far, he hadn’t been forced to attack any of them. Half the patrons of the bar were blackout drunk and more confused and annoyed than determined. The group of pegasus ponies who had originally stormed in were mostly still clustered around their fallen leader, who was still bleeding into the floor. There was only one easy exit from the tavern. All he had to do was stand in place and create a barrier spell if he was attacked. Even in a group, it would be hard to force their way past him. There was a minimal risk of loss of life.
He couldn’t help feeling like he was missing something.
“Get out of the way, ponce.”
Jam felt the grip around the back of his neck a moment too late. Without warning he was flung into the center of the tavern, headlong. Only a timely application of his shielding spell saved him from smashing into a table and breaking.
What he saw as he dissipated the bubble was a large figure, towering over the other patrons. Jam had seen minotaurs before. One, a skilled geomancer, had even been a teacher at the Academy for a short time. This one made others of his species look like children by comparison. His massive, swarthy body seemed almost made from muscle. The thick, shaggy fur minotaurs from the northern coasts were known for wrapped around his shoulders. He stank of sweat and cheap ale. Jam recoiled.
The minotaur glared at the center of the room. His eyes settled on the group of pegasi. “Oy. You there, the one bleeding from the dick. Who killed my ass and stole my fuckin’ roo?”
The pegasus glared up at Space Jam, pointed a hoof at him, and went back to clutching his mangled genitals.
“Thanks, mate.” The minotaur swept his hands across the room. “Listen up, you bunch of shits! I’ll give five hundred bits to whoever drags that fucking bitch back in here!”
The room moved as one, galvanized by the promise. Only the fact that there was a single door kept them from all streaming out at once. Jam gritted his teeth. At least five, maybe seven were already out. If he let any more loose, there was no telling what would happen.
So much for preserving life. He should’ve known better.
Three bolt of blue light lanced from his horn, impacting right above the doorway. Half-rotted wood exploded, showering a few ponies who were trying to force their way through at the same time. It wasn’t enough to hurt them, but it did slow them down long enough for Jam to make his way back up on all fours. “I already warned you. If any of you want to chase those three down, you’ll have to make your way past me.”
The minotaur snorted. “What are you, some kind of noble? Out here, without your guards or money, you’re nothing but a prissy unicorn. Stay down, we’ll deal with you later.”
“I’m afraid I’m not accustomed to taking orders from fecal matter.” Jam’s horn glowed with azure light. He focused on his targets. “Instead, I suggest you cut your losses and retract that reward. Otherwise, I will have no choice but to fight my way through you and every other pony in here.”
No sooner had he finished his sentence than Jam was forced to leap to the side to avoid a barstool the minotaur had hurled at him. “Very well then. We’ll settle this with force.” Jam kept his voice high, adding an extra layer of ‘posh’ to it. It had the desired effect, as he watched the minotaur’s face contort into a scowl. As he had expected, nobles weren’t thought of particularly highly by this crowd. “I’ve already introduced myself when I issued my collective challenge. Will you be doing the same, so I know who I have the dubious honor of striking down?”
“They call me Rock Slabchest.” The minotaur grinned, striking a hand against his pectorals. The sound it made reminded Jam of a plank of wood striking against a rock.
Jam smirked. “How many years have you spent begging your parents for an apology, then, Rock Slabchest?”
“Right, you little shit. You walk into my tavern, steal my entertainment, and have the nerve to pick a fight with me.” Rock cracked his knuckles. It sounded like a series of small pistols discharging. “I’m going to enjoy breaking you apart.” He turned to the ponies left in the bar. “Oy! You lot! Another ten bits for every hit you land on this ponce!”
Jam braced himself as the remainder of the bar charged at him. He unleashed his first barrage of magical fire.
“You little shit! You take back everything you said to me about Delaney, or I’ll feckin’ rip you in half, shit in your corpse, sew you back together and then break your horn off to use as a feckin’ backscratcher!” Leila roared as she stood astride Eye’s body.
For his part, Eye seemed unconcerned. Instead he wiggled his eyebrows roguishly. “Come now, don’t you think you could come up with a more entertaining way to use my horn? It can be quite stimulating with the right applied magics.”
Leila reached back, preparing to rake her left forepaw across Eye’s face. “Only takes one blow to kill a pony with these, y’know. Delaney will need some company as he waits for the boat to Elysium.”
“Certainly. But you seem like the kind of beast who values her life.” Wriggling one of his forehooves free from Leila’s pin, Eye gestured to her right shoulder. “Tell me, would you prefer you or I be the one to accompany your late friend?”
Leila moved her head just enough to see what Eye was pointing at, without relaxing her body. A fully loaded and primed pistol floated directly beside her, prepared to fire.
Smooth whistled in surprise and appreciation. “Well, ain’t that a shock. Didn’t expect you to have that set to go so quickly.” She cantered over to the two, watching them idly. “Now it seems to me that we have ourselves a situation that could use some mediating. Seein’ as if you try to kill this here stallion, Miss Kangaroo, he’s gonna shoot you through the head. And also seein’ as even with that pistol primed, Mr. Stallion, if you’re gonna shoot this here kangaroo, your fancy friend won’t be particularly happy that you wiped out the lady he just put himself at risk to help save.”
Eye’s grin faded, “...I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted.
Leila only grunted, maintaining her stance. “If you want to make a point, brat, be quick about it.”
“Well, seeing as this rather gaudy gentlestallion’s friend saved your life and set you free, and seeing as you’re now a fugitive in need of money, and seein’ as how all three of us now have a compelling reason to motor our flanks out of Trottingham, I propose we form ourselves a truce, make our way back to the pirate ship like your friend back at the Tavern suggested, and that we go make the Emperor of Equestria here a made stallion by sailing it off to some fabulous port, picking ourselves up some quick bits there, and sailing for Canterlot to live like Nobles.” She paused. “Or I could wander back there myself, tell the crew the sad story of how you two died in the streets because you were too busy fighting to deal with the ponies who are no doubt charging after us right now, and sail out of here alone as a tragic victim. It’s all up to you, really.”
“He still hasn’t apologized for what he said about Delaney,” Leila growled, not moving an inch.
“Oh, right. That donkey fellow.” Eye grinned again. “Well, madame kangaroo, if you tear off my horn and use it as a substitute penis I assure you that not only will it preclude my ability to apologize but your friend will be quite sad that you wasted your chance at freedom and adventure on petty revenge.”
The sound of hooves on cobblestones drifted towards the three. Smooth looked at the two combatants. “I don’t know about you two boneheads, but I’m going to run.”
Leila relaxed her grip and backed away from Eye, letting the unicorn roll over and get back on his hooves. “You’re lucky, you prick,” she growled at him.
“Infinitely so.” Eye hummed cheerfully as the pistol he had levitated swiveled, refocusing itself from Leila to the group of pursuers now pounding their way down the street and charging the three. “Though I would like to amend one part of the plan, Miss Smooth Talk. Don’t worry, your little display has already earned you a spot in my advisor’s cabinet.”
Smooth flashed him a lopsided grin. “Keep talkin’.”
“Well, apparently I owe our friend here an apology, and a certain donkey requires company while waiting for his boat in the afterlife.” Eye trained his weapons, waiting for the pursuers to come in close. “Suppose I kill two manticores with one shot?”
Slowly Leila grinned. “Alright, you feckin’ bastard. I can get behind that.” She squared herself up, preparing to meet the oncoming charge as well. “Y’know, in the scrattering pits when Delaney and I used to fight groups, we’d make bets on how many of ‘em we’d each knock out before the end. Care for a bit of competition?”
“I just knew you two were going to be exciting!” Eye crowed as he opened fire.
Jam’s magical shots lanced through the crowd. The first two slammed into the ceiling, punching holes in the roof and sending shingles and wood raining down into the tavern’s interior. The next two shattered dozens of bottles behind the bar. The last one narrowly missed Rock Slabchest’s head and instead obliterated a table. The minotaur paused his charge to laugh derisively. “The fuck do you call that? If your aim’s that bad, I may as well put you on the stake. Then all of us would be happy to show you how to point at a target.” He licked his lips, hefting a chair. “Catch!”
As the chair hurtled toward him, Jam fired a sixth bolt of magic. The impromptu projectile was blasted to smithereens in mid air. Rock had to shield his face with his forearms to avoid shrapnel. “I’m afraid that you won’t ever place another creature in those chains again.” Jam’s horn practically crackled with magical energy as he methodically fired two more shots, shattering the bar counter. “And in addition, it seems that you’re quite ignorant of the theories behind advanced magical combat. Allow me to fill you in. The bolts I have just fired are a basic form of magical attack. They are primarily useful in combat as suppressive fire and as a non-lethal form of incapacitation. Firing them at living creatures is generally discouraged unless you have incredible magical output. The natural magic resistance of ponies and many other sentient races dull the impact of each shot. If I had been aiming for any of you, the worst I could have done is magically suplex you.”
A few of the quicker-witted ponies in the room scurried away, attempting to cower in the tavern’s corners or escape through the still-open doorway. Rock ignored them, still glowering at Space Jam. “So what? If you aren’t going to shoot me, what are you going to do, sit there and look pretty?”
“You’re half right. Moving about would make this spell more difficult. For the next few moments, I will be remaining as still as possible.” Jam closed his eyes and focused. “To all of you who value your lives, I suggest running away now.”
“Anyone who runs away from this little shit gets broken in two if they show their face here again!” Rock bellowed.
“As you wish. It’s your funerals. I’ll be sure to try to leave enough of your corpses for your loved ones to identify.” Jam’s eyes snapped open. Pure magical energy was leaking from his body, and his eyes were now emanating a bright blue glow. He released his spell. A bubble of azure mist seemed to rush through the tavern and dissipate. Then it happened.
Every broken glass, every shattered table, every torn shingle, every piece of debris not nailed down and a few that had been floated into the air, held aloft by Jam’s magical aura. “I’m sure you all recognize this. Even the most magically impotent unicorns can manage some form of levitation,” Jam explained calmly as ponies backed cautiously away from the floating objects. Even Rock had assumed a boxer’s defensive stance, unsure of how to react. “While using magic directly against other creatures is a feat even extremely potent unicorns find difficult, using magic against the surrounding environment is surprisingly simple. From there, developing this spell was simply a matter of practice and dedication. It was also what resulted in my termination from the Academy, as developing new war-magics has been expressly forbidden outside of the Guard for over a century.”
Rock, realizing that the debris hadn’t moved, smirked and charged the unprotected Jam. He swung his fist directly at the unicorn’s face, and smirked as he felt it impact.
Then he screamed in pain.
Rather that crush Jam’s head, Rock’s fist had slammed into a condensed wall of glass shards. They had moved so quickly that it was hard to believe that Jam was consciously directing their action, and had seemingly formed a barrier of their own accord. While Rock’s punch had shattered them further, the shards were held in place by magic and did not budge. As his fist had withdrawn they had moved with it, digging into his skin.
By this point, every pony in the tavern with an ounce of sense had fled. Only Jam, Rock, and a few ponies too brave or stupid to value their lives were left. Jam’s horn pulsed, and the rest of the debris in the room pulled itself toward him and began rotating around his body. “As you can see from my demonstration, this spell allows for flexible defense from physical forms of assault. A fast enough mage could theoretically stop bullets.” Jam increased his magical output. The rotations of the debris began to rotate even faster. He was now the center of a tornado of levitating objects. “And as for assault… well. Using magic on its own to strike another creature is quite difficult. Using magic to propel a series of objects towards another creature at high enough speeds to simulate the impact of a bullet, well. That’s quite another story entirely.”
Two of the remaining ponies were struck down as shards of wood and glass rocketed from the spiraling objects and buried themselves deep within their bodies. One screamed. The long, wooden splinter had missed her vital organs and buried itself in her left hind leg. A heavy chunk of table followed soon after, crushing her skull and ending her suffering.
Rock edged to the side, trying to move closer to the door. His bravado had already begun to fade. His attempted retreat was cut short as another chunk of debris hurtled through the air, striking his right horn and snapping it in two. He roared in pain.
Jam’s voice echoed from within the center of the magical storm. “I’ve never tested this spell on a minotaur, but from looking at you I can see that one shot likely won’t be enough. I’d like to warn you in advance that my next fifty or so- the majority of my remaining ammunition- will be aimed at you. Each shot is going to spall away a bit of your body. I theorize that by the end, your corpse will be so pulverized that your own mother will have trouble identifying you.” His eyes blazed with fury. “For what you did to those creatures, however, this is simply the payback you deserve.”
The last thing Rock Slabchest ever saw was the contents of his own tavern hurtling towards him as Space Jam ripped him apart with his own building.
The first pegasus to come barreling towards Eye and Leila actually managed to dodge Eye’s first bullet with a well-timed barrel roll. Unfortunately his momentum carried him directly into the path of Leila, who leaped into the air and crashed into him, bringing down all her weight onto his body. His wings crunched as he hit the cobblestones. Without a moment’s hesitation the kangaroo reached down and snapped his neck.
“I do love a woman who knows how to take the lead!” Eye called as he dodged a bolt of lightning. One of the savvier pegasi had flown up, out of easy pistol range, and begun pushing clouds together and leaping on them. Eye frowned. “Well, that’s a bit of an annoyance.”
Smooth Talk smirked. “Nah, that one’s easy. You just- c’mere a second.” She slipped close to Eye and whispered into his ear quickly.
To say Eye grinned would be an egregious understatement. If his smile were any wider, his face might actually have split open. A few observers briefly thought they were looking at some form of madness elemental. “Ooh! That does sound like a rather fun trick. Now let’s see here…” Hefting Marie-Louise with his magic, Eye focused on the scattergun with all his might.
The pegasus who had pushed the clouds together prepared his next assault when he felt something press just below his abdomen. He leaned down in time to see the barrel of a weapon aimed directly at his sheath. A weapon wrapped in a hot-pink magical aura. “Well, shit.”
Eye wiped a tear from his eye as a pegasus, blood streaming from his nether regions, fell from the clouds and broke his neck against the pavement. “My magnum opus,” he choked. “A thing of pure beauty…”
As he mooned over his accomplishment, an earth pony mare lunged, preparing to crush his head underneath one of her hooves. A stone cracked against her jaw, forcing her to pause her assault. “The hell?”
Smooth Talk smiled sweetly as she stamped one of her forehooves on a loose cobblestone, partially smashing it. She deftly tossed a large fragment of the stone into the air, balancing it on her nose. “Hey, lady, wanna see a trick?” she asked, her voice full of sugar and lightness.
The mare grimaced. “You little piece of shit, I’m going to-”
She never managed to finish her sentence. With speed that would have put a champion prizefighter to shame, Smooth Talk flipped her stone into the air and rotated her entire body, putting every ounce of centrifugal force she could muster into a targeted buck. The stone sailed through the air, crashing into the center of the mare’s forehead. With a groan she slid to the ground, unconscious. Smooth giggled in delight. “They just never see that one comin’.”
Eye sniffed. “I could’ve done that!”
“You just keep tellin’ yourself that, kid.” Smooth smirked at him. Then a bullet whistled over her head and she cringed. “Well, looks like they finally wised up to the fact that they aren’t gonna get anywhere by charging into us like nimrods. You two going to finally hightail it already or what? The Trottingham guard are corrupt, not stupid. Eventually someone’s going to think to throw them enough bits to notice us if we keep hanging around.”
Leila smashed the head of an unfortunate unicorn into the street, cracking her horn. “Ye’ve got a fine point there, you do. Well then, unicorn-bastard, are ye coming with us or do we have to break our way onto your ship without ye?”
Eye Lash fired off two more rounds, dispatching one of the unicorns firing on the trio and an oncoming pegasus. “I suppose,” he sighed. “I forgot to reload Marie-Louise before we left anyway. This way, gentlemares, and step lively now!”
As he turned, Smooth caught sight of something. “Hell of a cutie mark you’ve got there, slugger,” she said, pointing at Eye’s flank.
Eye looked down, aghast. “What in blazes is this monstrosity!”
Leila lumbered a bit closer and burst out laughing.
Eye’s previously blank flank was now adorned with a small, cartoonishly violent image of a pegasus stallion bleeding from his genitals, flanked by two crossed rifles. Smooth couldn’t help grinning at it. “Hey, if nothing else, that thing there is distinct.”
“And completely inappropriate for a future ruler. Cover me for a moment you two, will you?” Eye reached for his saddlebags, producing a tin of grease meant for use in cleaning out the barrels of his weapons. “This won’t take long.” With all the precision and grace of a two year old, he quickly smeared over his offending cutie mark with the substance. “There, much better!”
Smooth Talk and Leila’s response was to double over with laughter again.
Eye’s handiwork had covered over his original mark with an image of the planet Equus in miniature, surrounded by flames. An ornate crown hung over this image. It would have been quite impressive, were it not for the fact that it appeared to have been produced by a foal who had just learned the basics of hoof-painting.
Eye sniffed. “Well I think it looks nice.”
The three set out for the docks.
It was only later when any of them had time to wonder how in Equus it was possible that Eye had managed to both cover over his original mark and create a comprehensible drawing using only grease.
By the time she and Velvet had made their way back to the docks, Vex had stopped crying. Her body was still wracked with shudders every so often and her eye was red and bloodshot, but the tears themselves had stopped coming. She clung to Velvet’s neck. “I messed up, didn’t I?” she said, her voice uncharacteristically small.
Velvet said nothing for a moment. Then she stopped moving. “We are here, Unit-Vex.”
Vex raised her head. The Vexation was still moored in the harbor, its boarding plank ready to receive the pair. Velvet turned her head back. “Unit-Vex, This Unit understands if you wish to remain alone. This Unit is perfectly fine with returning to the Iris for the moment, or seeking out Unit-Eye and Unit-Jam.”
“No.” Vex sniffled. “I… Velvet, I don’t want to be alone right now. I don’t…”
“Acknowledged.”
Without hesitation, Velvet carried the filly up the boarding ramp and to the deck of the ship. The two stayed silent as they made their way across the massive ship’s labyrinthine structure, back to Vex’s cabin. Once they were inside Vex dismounted from Velvet’s back and began to crawl into her bed. Her head felt fuzzy. “I’m so stupid…”
“Congratulations, Unit-Vex.”
Vex froze. “What do you mean, Velvet?”
“Your cutie mark. Congratulations, Unit-Vex.”
In spite of herself, Vex moved toward the full-length mirror set up on the wall of the cabin and turned to get a look at what had just materialized on her body.
The mark was surprisingly elaborate. Three heavy, metal gears were interlocked with each other, surrounded by a steel ring which, were they in motion, would rotate around them. Vex recognized the configuration as one she had seen in sketches from Rhinestone’s notes on the fundamentals of clockwork. There was no doubt in her mind what the mark represented- somehow, in fixing Velvet, the world had decided to acknowledge her talent as an artificer. Today she had joined her heroes.
Vex felt her entire world invert itself. “Velvet,” she said softly, “I need a glass of water.”
Then her tears began to flow again.
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Chapter 7: Brokering A Deal (By KillerSteel)
Captain Spyglass stopped just before he stepped in a puddle, staring off along the street of Trottingham he was trotting down. His brow furrowed lightly as Patch looked over to him, raising his own eyebrow. “Err... Captain? Why’d you stop?”
“Not sure... but my eye feels like twitching.” Spyglass shook his head, sighing lightly before spreading his wings, taking to the air over the puddle so he could avoid the contents. “Well, that just means Eye’s off doing something dumb, therefore keeping him out of the way.”
“Are you sure it isn’t because he found the Broker before us?” Patch took flight as well, gliding along beside Spyglass as they worked to avoid the waste-stricken street altogether. The city was just as the captain remembered it; covered in waste, filled with waste, and run by waste. He could feel the dirty eyes of soldiers slacking off on their patrols, making him thankful for coming out in more casual garb, rather than his full captain’s outfit. The last thing he needed was a horde of corrupt troopers coming to him for their next pay day.
Spyglass shook his head, scoffing. “Honestly, Patch, he is more well-hidden than most graves in this city.” An involuntary shudder went through him as he flew along.
Patch narrowed his eyes at Spyglass, pupils shrinking in slowly realizing terror. “I really hope you didn’t just imply what I thought you did.”
“Not at all!” Spyglass shook his head, before narrowing his eyes slightly as he turned right down an alleyway. The stench down that path was even worse than the main street, with several homeless ponies trying to stay warm by pulling their stain-riddled coats closer over them. The gusts drawn up by the two pirates’ wings didn’t help matters, blowing refuse along the road as Spyglass kept his eyes forward. “As I said, he’s hidden better than that.”
Patch sighed lightly, looking sidelong at his captain. “I will take your word for it, sir...” But I swear if he’s hiding out in a refuse pile, I’m turning tail and heading back to the ship.
“Trust me, it’s the perfect hiding place.” Spyglass gave Patch his prize-winning grin, before looking on down the alley and swerving out of the way of a tall dumpster.
Somehow, that grin just made Patch more suspicious.
“And here we are!”
Where they were was the edge of Trottingham, near the Eastern end of the city, with the sound of waves crashing on the shore far off to the right of them. The ground looked like the festering birthplace of every disease known to ponykind, Patch keeping himself in the air and far away from the brown, green, blue, and sometimes mold-white residue on the dirt. Spyglass merely trotted along beside him, weaving around certain piles and through others, heading towards a secluded building attached to a collapsed warehouse.
Patch just furrowed his brow lightly at the sight of the stocky little structure, looking barely large enough to house a group of thirty, let alone hide one of Trottingham’s prominent criminal figures. “Are you certain this is the place, sir?”
“I am, Mr. Patch, and before you ask, no, the gas you smell is not poisonous beyond having copious amounts of methane in it.” Spyglass kept that smile on his face as he moved along, soon reaching one of the two doors on the building. The door had a symbol of a pony on it, colored blue, and surrounded by a blue square. The door to its right, bearing the symbol of a pink mare surrounded by a pink square, had a simple sign on it saying ‘OUT OF ORDER’ and a small lock on the handle. He pushed the left door open, hinges squealing in annoyance, and proceeded on inside.
For the fifth time since they’d exited the central part of the city, Patch checked behind himself, adjusting his eye patch so he could get a better look with both eyes. Somebody’s following us... but who? They haven’t done anything since they started. He narrowed his eyes before proceeding on through the door being held open by Spyglass, landing down beside him.
His eyes just narrowed harder as he inspected his new surroundings, the door squealing as it closed. “Oh dear Princess, he hides out in a bathroom?”
Spyglass blinked at that, looking over to his compatriot. “What? No, just came here to make a quick detour.” He scoffed and trotted towards one of the unused stalls, Patch watching him go with a furrowed brow.
“We came all the way to the edge of the city so you could relieve yourself?”
“Of course!” Spyglass pushed the stall door open, moving in out of sight. “A pegasus like myself cannot attend a meeting when his bladder’s full.”
“That had better be because you have a weak constitution, sir. Isn’t this a meeting we should attend post-haste?” Patch took a step forward, immediately regretting it as something squished under his hoof. “As in now , sir?”
“Just a moment!” Spyglass sung out, sighing quietly as a liquid starting hitting the water in the toilet. He started humming a quiet tune as Patch grimaced, gnashing his teeth together as he made his way towards the sinks.
The counter was covered in a strange, brown rust, and the whole room permeated with an even more powerful stench than the streets of Trottingham. Standing liquid could be seen in puddles all over the floor, the sinks had green gunk all over them, and when Patch switched on the tap, it sputtered out dark brown liquid before water started coming out. He just let his hoof hover under the stream, cleaning off whatever it was that he stepped in as he looked back to the stall Spyglass walked into.
“Right then! All done.” Spyglass nodded, opening the door behind him and pulling the long chain on the toilet, starting up the flush. Only, instead of flushing, the water gurgled and sputtered, the toilet starting to vibrate. “...Oh dear, it appears to be backed up.”
Patch instinctively backed out of the toilet’s line of fire as it started to shake and sputter loudly, going wide-eyed as he flailed the refuse off his hoof. “Er, Captain, I think it might explode...”
“Give it a moment.” Spyglass hummed quietly as he watched the toilet, a geyser suddenly springing up out of it. “There it goes.” He nodded as the geyser spilled all the water out of the toilet, and soon coughed its last, the reservoir having emptied.
Then, the wall started to rumble, before turning inwards, revealing a hidden path. “Perfect.”
Patch just leaned in at the door to the stall, looking around before staring at the hidden path. “...You’re joking.”
“That whole show is to scare ponies away. Who wants to be near an exploding toilet, after all? Especially in this city. Come.” Spyglass smirked and proceeded on through the doorway, Patch taking a moment before following along. Once he’d passed through the doorway, the wall rumbled and moved back into place, the toilet filling back up with water.
Leaving everything just as it was before.
It was a short walk before the two reached the edge of the mares’ bathroom, finding a stairwell leading down into the ground. Spyglass started his way down as Patch examined the surprisingly clean bathroom, noting the spotless walls and floor, the sparkling sinks, and even the cleaned toilets. The air also had a certain ‘spring breeze’ scent to it, and he spent a few moments dragging as much of the clean air into his nose as he could. “Seems I was right then.” It’s certainly a sight better than the previous one, though.
“He doesn’t hide in a bathroom, Mr. Patch.” Spyglass looked back at his companion as he reached the bottom of the stairs, before looking on into the room. Patch soon followed, looking to where his captain was staring, widening his eyes slightly.
At the eight armed pegasi, weapons drawn, all surrounding a grey-cloaked pony sitting at a table.
The pony and Spyglass both shared a smile as the captain moved up towards the table, showing all the confidence of an old friend returning home. “He hides under one.”
The pony chuckled, speaking in a raspy tone as he brought his hooves up in front of his face, steepling them. “Spyglass, my old friend. Good t’ see you again.” His voice carried the higher accent of a noblestallion from Canterlot, though the bulk of his voice sounded like it was ravaged by some raging addiction. Spyglass sat down across the table from the Broker, not bothering to look at the armored pegasi surrounding the table. Patch slowly made his way over to Spyglass’ side, looking to each pegasus in turn.
Well, I suppose I should have expected a few bodyguards. He found himself frowning gently as the eight stared him down.
“Stay your weapons, boys. They aren’t here to start anything.” The Broker smiled at his two guests as his bodyguards backed down, relaxing their stances. The blades mounted on their forelegs didn’t seem quite as threatening, now. “So, what does the illustrious Captain of the Farsight Pirates want with an old cutpurse like me?” He cackled at his own joke.
“It should be clear if I visited in the first place, Sir Broker. A trade is what I want.”
“The usual, then?” The Broker’s eyes gleamed with anticipation.
Spyglass nodded, smiling lightly. “One piece of information from me, one from you.” He smiled wider as the Broker cracked a grin, though his weathered teeth were hidden from sight behind his hooves.
“Sounds good to me... though it better be something I don’t already know. So, old shipmate, what do you have for me this time?”
“A message that we decoded, actually. It was hidden inside the treasure room of a battleship that we’d captured.”
“Huh... not bad, not bad. What’d the note say?” The Broker raised his eyebrow slightly, frowning.
“‘The Eclipse comes for the Sun. Alert our brothers in Trottingham.’ That is what we decoded... I’ve not been told the cipher used to encrypt it, just that it was easy to crack.” Spyglass’ smile faded into a business-like frown. “But I am assured the message is correct.”
“‘The Eclipse comes for the Sun.’ Heh, now ain’t that ominous?” The Broker sighed, tapping his hooftips together. “Tell me, Captain, whadya think that means?”
“The keywords being ‘Eclipse’, ‘Sun’, and ‘brothers’... sounds to me like an assassination is brewing.” Spyglass’ brow furrowed. “And there’s only one pony in Equestria who’s been regarded as even close to the Sun. I can hardly believe anypony would ever be foolhardy enough to target her, though.”
“My thoughts exactly,” The Broker scoffed, reaching off to the side. “Pass me the paper.”
One of the guards nodded, shifting out of formation and heading off to the side of the room. He checked in one of the piles of paper on the desk there, fishing through it before retrieving a clean piece of parchment, and he made his way back over to the Broker, handing it to him. “Here you are, sir.”
The Broker nodded and placed the paper down on the table, steepling his hooves again. “This is something we intercepted three days ago. Picked it up off a messenger weaving through Trottingham, guy had a cloak on which bore a symbol I recognized. It was the marker of a lunar eclipse.”
“Strange...” Spyglass looked down to the paper, examining the writing on it. The Broker turned the paper around, so he could read it properly.
“No, no, that? That ain’t strange.” The Broker’s smile returned.“The strange bit is what’s on it.”
WPG OUOQRCW ZQNV EDSG SLV UQFW ZPGX LKM UEF GIYXK DB UKTOM DVSQK, WXVHZPOSWP YRWUM CXGWPGB DHIFOJ IINVK.
The page just had the two lines, though they didn’t make any coherent words from what Spyglass could tell, his brow furrowing harder as he tried to read it. His attempts came up short, however. “It’s... encrypted?”
“That’s what we figure. But look at this here.” The Broker reached down and tapped the symbol at the bottom, showing two circles. The one at the top sat behind the one below it, nearly eclipsed by it, with the circle at the front bearing a picture of a black alicorn’s head. “Same one as the cloak the messenger wore. Downright treasonous, that. Did yours have the same symbol?”
“Hard to say, the note was torn in half...” The captain sighed, sweeping a hoof back through his mane. “...Think they’re related?”
“Only one way to find out. How long ago did you grab the battleship?”
“Three days—” Spyglass stopped, eyes widening as he looked up to the Broker, just getting a light smirk from his friend. “This wasn’t sent from the same ship, was it?”
“As I said, only one way to find out. Decrypt it, find out what it says.” The Broker shrugged, closing his eyes. “That’s our trade, though. One piece of info, for one piece of info.”
“And if it doesn’t help...?” Spyglass raised his eyebrow, staring at the criminal.
“I know that look on your face.” The Broker didn’t even open his eyes, smiling. “You’ll be back if you’ve got a problem, and we’ll do the trade all over again. But if it does lead you somewhere... well, I’ve never been much of a seer.” He opened his eyes, staring into Spyglass’. “But I figure you’re gonna be racing towards trouble.”
“The warning’s appreciated, friend.” Spyglass nodded, taking the note and stowing it away in his pocket as he stood up. “I pray I won’t be returning.”
“You will, that much is a given.” The Broker grinned again, chuckling. “Just pray it’s in a few months, not a few hours.”
“Actually... just in case I am back in a few hours, I’d like to make another trade.”
The Broker raised his eyebrow, his grin suddenly vanishing as Spyglass got a very coy smile of his own. “...I’m thinking I’m gonna regret this, from that look on your face.”
“Nonsense! Merely a trade, information for a... service.” Spyglass nodded, smiling at the Broker. The concerned look on the old stallion’s face was starting to spread all over the room, the pegasus guards, then Patch all sharing the same look as they stared at the captain. “I’d like to trade your new piece of information, if I return, for a shared employment of a crewmate of mine.”
“Oooookay... who is this pony that you’re trying to push off onto my payroll?” The Broker chuckled.
“His name is Eye Lash—”
“No.”
Spyglass blinked. “Why not?”
The Broker just closed his eyes. “Why not? Look, I know. You know that I know, and I know that you know that I know. I know him.”
“...And?”
The Broker just opened his eyes, raising his brow. “I need to say more?”
“Well I would like a rea—”
Spyglass was cut off as a massive crash rocketed through the earth, sending a minor quake through the Broker’s office.
“By reason of divine providence ending this meeting.” The Broker nodded towards the stairs, before waving to Spyglass. “Farewell, Captain. And if those messages are related... well, I like the Princess. Keep her alive, eh? And take care of yourself.”
Oh by the seven levels of Tartarus, Eye Lash!! Spyglass mentally roared as he spun around and raced off to the stairs, Patch quickly getting to his hooves and taking off as well. He skidded to a halt before looking back at the Broker, narrowing his eyes as he heard Spyglass burst out the door of the bathroom above.
The Broker simply smiled, pointing up towards the bathroom. “Hop to, kid, your captain’s gonna leave you behind.”
With that, Patch just sighed and followed after Spyglass, relegating the unspoken question to his thoughts. Psychopath or not, how did Eye Lash’s reputation spread here so quickly?
He deemed it a good idea not to ponder the answer.
The two pegasi took to the sky right after exiting the bathroom, streaming off towards a gigantic column of smoke reaching up towards the sky. Spyglass gritted his teeth brutally hard as he hissed to himself, looking down as he saw numerous ponies all getting the same idea he did and began heading towards the disaster. “I am going to strangle Lash for this.”
“I know this seems naive on my part, but it may not be him this time around, Captain.” Patch glanced over to Spyglass before focusing on ahead, both of them making quick time towards the smoke column. “All he’s got are his guns, how could he tear down an entire structure?”
“You’ve served with Mr. Lash as long as I have, Mr. Patch. Attempting to make sense of his capabilities is the only thing a pony can do that makes no sense, when he’s involved.” Spyglass frowned, diving down towards the source of the smoke. He swerved around it, weaving around another tall building beside it before he reached the street, and his jaw started to drop.
There, standing amidst the debris and detritus, a unicorn pushed a shattered wooden crossbeam off his side, staring at one of the fallen walls. The unicorn turned and walked towards the doorframe of the destroyed building, pushing the door there open and walking through, before the frame fell backwards onto the ground. “Justice has been served.”
Spyglass sputtered slightly before streaking down to the sidewalk, landing a distance away from the unicorn. “Is that you, Mr. Jam?” Patch soon landed beside Spyglass, both of them moving up to him and checking the unicorn over for wounds.
“Yes, and I’m fine, Captain. I suggest you make your way towards the ship, however.” Jam looked up the street, towards the slowly growing crowd, picking out a few armored members of the group starting to push their way through. “Right now.”
Spyglass paid one look towards the crowd before groaning, a grimace on his face. “Oh, bollocks... fine, we run now, you explain this later!” He gave Jam a quick jab in the chest at that, before taking off down the street. “Haul arse, you two! Right now!”
“Right, sir!” Patch shouted, paying a glance to Jam before taking off down the street. Jam was close to follow, speeding along before he caught up with Patch and fell in line with him and the Captain. “Jam, where’s Eye Lash?”
“Back at the ship!” Jam panted, his breathing strained and heavy as he sprinted down the street, weaving around piles of refuse as shouts started to pick up from up the street. Ponies leaped out of the way of the sprinting trio, everyone in too much shock from the recent chaos to really do anything to stop them.
Further down the road, Spyglass spied a group of troopers flying through the air, carrying a large net full of ponies. All deceased, with matching holes straight through each of their heads.
Celestia’s Wings, what happened while I was with the Broker? Spyglass found himself unable to speak at the sight. It was hardly the most gruesome thing he’d ever seen, nor the most bloody. Not even the most terrifying.
But it was certainly the most efficient. He felt his blood run cold for a moment before a shout broke his focus, nearly causing him to trip right into a pile of brown muck on the road.
“Get those bastards!”
Patch looked behind him, taking stock of the situation behind the trio, before looking back to Spyglass. “Eight guards, in pursuit, sir! Heavy armor!”
“They’ll hardly be able to keep up then! Keep moving, we’ll get the crew ready to undock as soon as we’re on board!” Spyglass shouted back, keeping his eyes forward. “The guards will give up once we’re out of reach!”
“What about Vex and Velvet?” Patch asked, furrowing his brow lightly.
“If they aren’t on board, we can send Eye Lash back to find them.”
Jam leered at Spyglass, raising his voice. “You can’t possibly be serious, Captain! You’re talking about abandoning a nine year old filly in the middle of Trottingham, and sending the most mentally unstable ponty on the crew out to find her!”
Spyglass winced at the outburst, and nearly flew into a pedestrian while thinking of a response. “Fine, fine! We’ll make a round trip if they aren’t on board, and retrieve them once the guards give up!” He sighed as the docks came into view, picking up his pace, practically sliding down the street with the momentum he’d built up. Not like we could get one of the ships moving without Miss Vex anyways...
Soon, they’d arrived at the dock, all three taking a flying leap up onto the deck of the Iris . Spyglass had barely gotten time to skid to a halt before finding Eye Lash at the center of the deck, two new beings at his sides.
“Ah, Captain, about time you got back!” Eye grinned and wrapped his forelegs around the necks of Leila and Smooth Talk, hugging them close. “I—”
“Not now, Mr. Lash, I’ve work to do!” Spyglass rushed past the three and rushed up the steps towards the wheel, spinning around and grabbing hold. “Attention crew, we’re being pursued by the local guard! I want us away from dock as soon as possible! Bring up the anchor, pump up the gas bags, get us in the air right bloody now! ”
Nobody took any time to question the order, suddenly rushing into action as they all prepped the ship for undocking. Four ponies went below deck and started to raise the anchor while two went below Spyglass’ little bridge, starting up the pump for the gas bag. The Tomcat and Vexation also started to move, Velvet standing on the deck of the battleship while the remains of Spyglass’ crew shifted the Tomcat into movement.
Just as the guards started coming down the street towards the docks, the Iris ’ gasbag inflated completely, and it lifted up towards the air, the Vexation and Tomcat following suit, much to the dismay of the soldiers down below. As they all skidded to a halt at the dock, the three ships soon rose up out of reach, engines roaring to life to push them on forward and away from Trottingham’s airspace.
“Ahhhh, bollocks...” The lead soldier hissed, before sighing and shaking his head. “Alright, everybody back t’ yer posts.” He turned and started back up the street, brow furrowed. “Anyone asks, the ships were stolen from the pirates.”
“Aye, sir...” The other soldiers mumbled before falling in step behind their leader, eyes turned up towards the three retreating vessels.
Spyglass sat pretty at the wheel, sighing with glee at the record-time escape his crew had made. “Much better... alright, not stressed anymore, no more need to shout at anybody. Mr. Lash, you had something to say, yes?”
He leaned forward over the wheel and looked down at the deck towards Eye Lash, the stallion pouting after being shoved off so impolitely. “Well, as I was going to say!” He gestured towards the filly and kangaroo at his sides, soon finding his smile again. “I got you two new crewmates!”
Spyglass blinked, staring at the two beings. He then raised his head a little bit and looked behind him, realizing that Trottingham was quickly becoming a tiny island in his view. His head turned back around, staring down at Eye Lash’s wide and very happy grin, Patch inspecting the new crewmates suspiciously while Space Jam looked worried.
Spyglass, finally, just let out a cry of defeat and fell onto his back. Ohhh, to Tartarus with all of this...
View Online
Chapter 9: A Pleasant Conversation, Eye Lash Style (By KillerSteel)
The meeting was quickly adjourned after the announcement, Spyglass jumping to his hooves and charging outside to the deck of the Iris . The whole Cutie Mark business could be taken care of later, and it was tossed to the farthest backwaters of the Captain’s mind after he saw what had made the announcement.
A massive battleship, at least twice the size of the Complete Vexation , with its weapons armed and trained on Spyglass’ fleet. The way his fleet was moving, the Tomcat was nestled nicely between the Captain’s own ship, but it did little to dissuade his fears with the sheer size of those cannons.
Especially the green ones sticking out of the top row, each barrel nearly as thick as the Iris’ mast.
“We repeat! Surrender the Mechanical Imposter and the Commander now, or we will open fire! ” The booming voice echoed out from the battleship, quaking the air with the volume.
“Tch... ever hear of volume control, you savages?” Spyglass mumbled, rubbing his ear with a hoof as he wondered how to get through all this. Heavy guns, thick hull, and the Tomcat’s the only one that looks ready for a fight... bad formation on our part, as well. “This is bad...”
“What is?” Eye Lash leaned into Spyglass’ view, the captain barely flinching now as he kept his eye fixed on the enemy ship. “Captain, you must be more descriptive with your words. Not everyone can read your mind.”
“If you need me to clarify what I mean by ‘this is bad’, when the reason is clearly aiming at us...” Spyglass deadpanned down at Eye Lash, before gesturing to the battleship. “Seems they’re hunting for some lost property.”
“Lost property?” Eye Lash looked back to the battleship, raising an eyebrow as the Iris’ crew raced across the deck, all getting into cover positions with rifles and swords. The engines were still running, though it was hard to hear them over the roar of the enemy ship’s propellers.
All along the deck of the black, orange-striped battleship, was a full line of rifleponies, weapons trained on the Farsight Fleet. All of them were in uniforms fitting a proper national navy, caps resting on their heads to shield their eyes from the sun, polished weapons, and orange stripes on the shoulders of their coats. And standing amongst them, at the center of the lineup with her silver straight sword hovering at her side in a red aura, stood a prideful unicorn. Her orange coat stood out against the pink and orange of the setting sun, though her blood-red mane and powerful eyes were unmistakable. Eye Lash looked over her, and felt a pang in his heart, even from so far away.
“...Velvet?” He whispered, taking a step forward as his brow furrowed. The mare on the deck’s horn could just be seen below the lip of her admiralty cap, a heavy white coat draped over her shoulders with orange cloth pauldrons.
Her horn shined more brightly, and she shouted across the ships, her voice heard clearly all the way to the back of the Vexation . “Seeking to make this difficult for yourselves!? I command you to hand over my ship, and the imposter! Do as I say, and I won’t sink the lot of you!”
Eye’s eyes widened at the shout, getting a shiver down his spine which ended with a flick of his tail. The rest of the meeting crew rushed out to join Eye Lash and Spyglass, Velvet standing right next to him, staring on at the mare on the battleship. A few clicks came out of her head before she got a perplexed expression on her face, eye twitching a little. “...Impossible.”
Eye Lash looked over at her, then back to the mare on the ship, then back to her. He couldn’t even find it in himself to smile at the sudden promise of two Velvets to serve him. Only the hum of engines filled the air.
Eventually, Spyglass responded, stepping forward to the railing of his ship. He looked back to Velvet, raising an eyebrow at her and clearing his throat. “Miss Velvet, mind increasing the volume of my voice?”
She nodded quietly, eyes not leaving the orange mare on the battleship, and her horn started to glow, an aura surrounding Spyglass’ throat. As he spoke, his voice was amplified ten-fold. “We do not seek to make this difficult, merely to make this peaceful! I do request that the commander of this ship make their name known, though!”
The mare smiled, furrowing her brow as she shouldered her blade. “Admiral Cerise Velvet, pirate! Back from the dead after that faker landed on me!” She roared, teeth baring in her smile as she glared at her mechanical double on the Iris . “Now hand her over, and give me my ship back!”
Spyglass opened his mouth to respond, only for a powerful laugh to suddenly cut him off.
“And why would I, Equestria’s future ruler, ever consent to the demands of a buzzing gnat?” Eye grinned, still chuckling heartily.
Cerise frowned at the insult, eyes narrowing as she tilted her head to the side. “What did you call me?”
“You heard me! Honestly, it’s like you don’t even know the concept of respect! An admiral serves her Emperor, she doesn’t make demands of him. In fact, such an act should be punished!” Eye smiled, despite much of the crew on all three of Spyglass’ ships desperately wanting to punch him in the face so he didn’t make the situation worse. Their hate fueled his confidence.
Though, instead of the sudden barrage of cannon fire and screams of death everyone was expecting, Cerise merely laughed, shaking her head. “What? Future Emperor? You’re speaking to a mare who is far more qualified for the position!”
“Is that so? Perhaps you’d like to come over here and prove that?” Eye smiled as Cerise laughed again, her sword coming back around to her side.
“My day’s been going quite well, I suppose a little one on one would be a nice way to cap it off. I suggest everyone stays out of this, though, as my ship won’t be afraid to fire, even with me on your deck.” Cerise grinned as her horn shined brightly, and she vanished in a burst of light, reappearing in the center of of the Iris’ deck. Immediately, Spyglass and his crew turned to face her, rifles and pistols being raised against her.
Only for the crew to shuffle tighter behind cover as a hail of bullets ripped through the air, plinking off the railings and shooting over crates, the fifty gunners on the battleship swiftly reloading their weapons. Cerise simply sighed and held out her blade, turning to Eye Lash. “See? Just as I said, they won’t hesitate to fire.”
“That confident they won’t end up hitting you, hm?” Eye smiled back, waltzing over to the center of the deck himself. His magic kicked up, shoving away crates and detritus, clearing the battlefield for himself and his opponent. Eventually, the deck was clear, the crew quietly sorting the crates back into cover against the railing. Spyglass had since pushed himself into cover beside Periscope and Telescope, both of them armed as well, while Patch, Velvet, Vex and Jam had sorted themselves into cover near the bow. “My my, you day must be going nicely.”
“And once I kill you, take my ship back and destroy that imposter, my day will be so much better .” She grinned and brought her sword up, holding it towards Eye Lash.
“Is that so? A mighty Admiral like yourself must have so many interesting days... what makes this one so special?” Eye Lash smiled gently, checking over his hoof as his eyes remained focused on Cerise’s blade.
“Well, finally finding the fat mare who crippled me, for one.” Cerise frowned, a barrage of rifle fire suddenly ripping across Velvet’s cover, forcing the mech to duck down and lower her rifle. “It wouldn’t be a good idea to try and shoot me, clockpony. Don’t want to risk all your precious crewmates, do you?”
Velvet grit her teeth, rifle barrel still poking out of her the center of her hoof, and she looked over to Eye Lash. All he did was shrug and shake his head, gesturing for her to lower the weapon. “Worry not, my queen, this shan’t take long.”
“Queen? Oh, tell me you didn’t give that thing actual power on this ship!” Cerise grinned, raising her brow. “Seriously? A machine can only do what it’s told!”
“I disagree!” Eye smiled, waggling his brow. “Though, when given orders, she carries them out with stunning quality...” His smile widened as Cerise backed up a little, a troubled look falling over her before she shook her head and got back into a combat posture.
“Disgusting,” She hissed, narrowing her eyes as Eye grinned.
“Well, here’s something less disgusting then...”
Cerise’s eyes widened as she heard something click near her ear, immediately ducking down as the pistol went off, its bullet speeding through the space her head used to occupy. She backed up a few steps and brought her blade up. “What the?!”
“So close.” Eye sighed, shaking his head as he brought the pistol back over to his side, scratching his chin with his hoof lightly. “You know, if you stayed still, this would be far cleaner than it’s going to be.”
“Bastard!” She grit her teeth and lit her horn, letting off a powerful burst of light. Screams came from around the deck as the crew was blinded by the flash, Eye squinting his own eyes. He could just make out a silhouette moving through the blur, instincts kicking in as he moved. Cerise smirked as she brought her blade down, the edge striking through her opponent.
At least, it would have if she didn’t hit a piece of steel between her and Eye Lash. She blinked at the scattergun hovering in front of her, the side of the barrel having stopped her sword. “Admiral! Don’t you know it’s a bad idea to bring a sword to a gunfight?” Eye chuckled, stepping in under the guard and drawing back a hoof. “Allow me to demonstrate why!” He grunted and threw his hoof up, smashing it into Cerise’s chin.
She stumbled back from the uppercut and grunted, shifting her sword as Eye tried to turn the scattergun towards her. Steel grinded against steel, sparks flying over Eye’s head as he slipped in towards her with a grin, drawing a hoof back and throwing forward with another punch. Cerise just managed to duck under the blow, quickly twisting around with a kick off the deck, sweeping Eye’s legs out from under him with a low kick. Eye grunted, rolling through the air as he reached out with his magic, pulling out another pistol and swinging it at Cerise, narrowly missing her horn with the swing as she ducked and leapt away from him, bringing her sword back to bear.
One of Spyglass’ crew went for a gun, only for another array of rifle fire to pierce the air and shred a chunk of his cover, forcing him back down behind the crates. Eye groaned and rolled back onto his hooves, facing Cerise as he rolled his eyes. “Stop trying to interfere, minion, this is my fight. I’m just beginning to have some fun, as well.”
“Hmph! Too early to call this a game, pirate.” Cerise grit her teeth lightly as her horn shined brighter, another layer adding to the aura. “But if you want it to be a game... how about we turn up the difficulty?”
“I welcome the challenge, Admiral.” Eye grinned, crouching down slightly. “And after I beat you, I’ll get you introduced to my harem. Perhaps you just need a little relaxation, hm? Tense work and all.”
Cerise just frowned at that, a third layer being added to her horn as she stood back up. “Harem? Hmph, you disgust me with such thoughts. I have no need for such a group.” She took a step forward, sword levelling in front of her with Eye’s throat. “Instead, I’ve a far better idea in mind for them...”
With a step forward, she suddenly launched towards, bursts of compressed mana going off below her hooves to push her forward, quickly crossing the twenty foot gap between her and Eye. A quick jump to the side just narrowly saved his neck from being introduced to a puncturing blade, and he rolled with the jump, drawing another gun and firing both at Cerise. The bullets plinked off the deck, the shots coming just after she launched up into the air with another burst of magic below her hooves, the Admiral bounding off the mast over to the bridge’s railing. Eye grit his teeth and ran for the stairs, Cerise shifting her position so she stood up above him, raining down with sword blows.
Each one slammed into the barrel of a pistol or struck the wood of the steps as Eye blocked and dodged, making his way up to the bridge. Just before the top of the steps, he ducked a stab and jumped up to the railing, snagging it with his forehooves, yanking upward just as Cerise stabbed again.
A pistol rushed up to Eye’s defense, the metal barrel shattering as the sword struck through it, though it slowed down enough to miss Eye’s rump, simply cutting into his tail. “Blimey! What would you use them for, sharpening your sword’s horrendous edge?!”
“No. Digging your grave,” Cerise said simply, slipping around in front of Eye and catching the sword’s hilt in her hoof. She ducked down and stabbed forward with it in a roar, aiming straight for his chest.
Eye grit his teeth, jumping back as quickly as he could, watching the Admiral’s straight sword coming closer and closer to his chest, the tip aimed directly for his heart. “Damn it...!” His magic triggered, horn stressing with the sudden flood of mana shooting into it, and he shut his eyes.
The sword never found purchase. Eye opened his eye slightly, finding himself on the bridge of the ship, though in a slightly different position. In front of him, Cerise stood, horrified, with her sword literally an inch away from her chest, stuck in a near-opaque aura of red. Ponies all around winced from the sudden bright blast of light, covering their eyes and groaning in pain. He blinked in confusion at this, but he cast aside his own confusion to take advantage of the scenario. Another pistol was drawn to the field by his magic, and he took aim, Cerise looking up at him with wide-eyed fear as he smiled, and pulled the trigger.
Just for the bullet to stop in mid-air, stuck inside a red aura. Cerise smiled as she turned her sword back around, gently tossing the bullet to the side as Eye blinked at her, backing up. “Thought you could kill me with that?”
“That was impressive...” Eye looked down at his gun, furrowing his brow before looking back up to Cerise. “Can I have a redo? I didn’t have enough gunpowder in this.”
“Sorry, pirate... no mulligans on this course.” Cerise grinned as she brought her sword to bear. “I am Admiral Cerise ‘Lightning’ Velvet, of the Soaring Wings fleet! My magic’s the fastest in Equestria, stopping everything from blades to bullets!”
“The nickname is well-deserved,” Eye mumbled, frowning as Cerise started following his pace, pushing the stallion back towards the railing, sword at the ready. Though I wonder if it’s just for her magic, and not for something else... He managed a smile at that thought, chuckling a little.
“Something funny, pirate?”
“Eye Lash to you, madam Admiral. And nothing... just thinking of other reasons why you’d have the nickname ‘Lightning’.” Eye grinned, waggling his brow. “The offer’s still open for you to join me and have a little fun... no reason to spill any blood.”
“Plenty of reason to, after that mechanical monstrosity splattered mine all over my ship’s deck...” Cerise spat to the side, gritting her teeth. “A whole year of medical treatment, fusing broken bones, sewing up my skin, forcing my body to sacrifice years in regeneration...” She snarled, eyes starting to shine from the sheer amount of mana coursing through her. “And I was getting somewhere then, too!”
“Getting along to the point, perhaps?” Eye raised his brow, finding his rump bumping up against the railing.
“Yeah. You want the point? Here!” Cerise roared and suddenly thrusted forward with her sword, Eye gritting his teeth and jumping to the side, pulling another gun out with his magic and taking aim. Cerise followed him with her eyes, white fire starting to leak out as she suddenly vanished from sight with a blinding flash, Eye yelping from the blast. He stumbled, hind hoof missing the step and sending him careening back down towards the deck, grunting with each crash of his body against the steps.
“Gah! Ow! Damn! Shit! Curse word!” He finally hit the deck with a slam, rolling and groaning as he tried to get back to his hooves, only to have his back slammed down by Cerise’s hooves in an axehandle.
“Stay down, you worthless pile of puke!” She stomped down again on Eye’s head, pinning him down as she prepared her blade. Her eyes were pure white, leaking energy as her horn thrummed with power, the sword twitching as the grip on it became tighter and tighter. “After I kill you and get my ship back, I’m dumping that imposter into the nearest bonfire I find.”
“Nnngh... p-perhaps before that, though, this year you spent seeking revenge... sounds rather interesting!” Eye grunted out, looking back up at Cerise. “Perhaps you’d regale me with a tale, hm? A last wish, as your rifleponies have all of my crewmates pinned down... no way for you to lose here.”
“Of course there isn’t. The moment we found you, you were dead. So, very well... let it be known that Admiral Cerise Velvet is not unkind.” She smiled and kept her sword at the ready, clearing her throat. “It was one year ago when all this began, just after I’d pillaged another bountiful ship...”
As Cerise went onto her monologue, another array of rifle fire slammed into Velvet’s cover as she started to move, forcing her back down next to Jam. She watched on, eyes wide as her head clicked away, trying to formulate a plan. Her eyes darted back towards the rifleponies on the battleship, then back to Cerise, before she let out a quiet breath. “Unit-Jam, your assistance is required.”
“Huh? W-With what?” Jam looked back at Velvet, then right back to Cerise, heart thumping faster in a panic.
“This Unit requires your body.” Velvet said simply, gesturing with her armed hoof just as Jam opened his mouth, ready to question what she just said.
He looked down at the hoof, zipping his lip and quietly nodding before looking back to her. He then looked to the rifleponies, then back to Velvet. “Distraction...?”
“Distraction... rifleponies fire in three ranks, so each one has the ability to reload.” Velvet looked back to the lineup of soldiers on the battleship, seeing twenty of them reloading their rifles while the other thirty kept theirs at the ready. “Requires timing, however.”
“Right... specifics?” Jam whispered, leaning in towards her. He blocked out the chatter going on between Eye Lash and Cerise, nodding to Velvet as he listened to her.
“How this is going to work is you are going to fire a bolt at the line of enemy rifleponies to disrupt their numbers, and one of their ranks will fire, then...”
“...And that is the plan. Understood?” Velvet raised her brow at Jam, the stallion wearily staring at her. He looked back to Eye Lash and Cerise, seeing that they were still talking, then checking over the deck and his crewmates.
Everyone had a tired look on their faces, starting to get sore from hiding in cover for so long, as interest in the ‘Eye Lash is going to die’ point of the duel had started to fade about seven minutes ago. Still, Jam nodded to Velvet, taking in a breath. “Vex, get off my back.”
“What?” Vex looked back to Jam, snapped out of her trance of listening to Cerise’s tale with an incredibly confused look on her face. “Why?”
Jam sighed as he reached back and picked Vex up, putting the filly down on the deck. “We’re about to do something insane.” With that, he took in another breath and lit his horn, then looked towards the mast.
The metal plate repairs were still there, as Spyglass’ crew couldn’t replace the entire mast in Trottingham. The polished surface reflected the Tomcat ’s deck perfectly, bringing a smile to his face. Alright, let’s see if my trick shots are any good...
He lowered his head and took aim, sticking out his tongue lightly. With a flash, a bolt flew from his horn and slammed into the plating on the mast, bouncing off there and soaring off through the sky. It flew over the Tomcat , ponies watching it fly before it slammed promptly into the railing of Cerise’s battleship.
Where it promptly exploded.
The detonation shook the air, snapping Cerise right out of her story as her rifleponies scattered from the detonation, the rest of the ranks disrupted as they tried to recover from the condensed long-fuse explosive bolt. She’d just started to shout out her orders as Velvet shifted from beside Jam, and took aim with her silenced rifle.
She narrowed her eyes and levelled her leg with Cerise’s head, only for Jam to grab her and pull her down, a section of railing from the battleship flying in and slamming through the cover of crates. She fired as quickly as she could, and with a quiet thoonk , the bullet flew out, zipping through the air and straight into Cerise’s shoulder.
“Gah! Fuck!” Cerise screamed, grabbing her shoulder and quickly spinning around to Velvet, roaring. “Kill them!”
“Crap!” Jam shouted, preparing a shield spell as he rushed out from cover. The rifleponies all forced themselves back to the railing, bringing their rifles to bare, as the door to the Iris’ meeting room flew open, and a beast rushed out with a bound.
“Have at ya, you loud twat!” Leila screamed, Cerise turning to the new appearance just in time to see the kangaroo rear up, and kick with all the brutal force of a drunk woken up too early from her nap. With a mighty crunch, the unicorn flew away, right off the edge of the Iris , slammed into the railing of the Tomcat , and with a terrified scream, fell down towards the clouds below.
Everyone fell silent, the rifleponies all in shock of what just happened, Spyglass’ crew speechless from the sudden appearance. Even Eye Lash couldn’t find the words for what just happened as he slowly got back to his hooves, looking over at Leila.
The kangaroo simply looked around, scratching the back of her head as she raised an eyebrow. “...What’s with all the daft looks then? I got woken up, figured it was some rowdy arse dancin’ out ‘ere, kicked ‘em off towards the other ship.”
Spyglass gulped, blinked a few times as he recovered from the shock, then quickly jumped to his hooves and raced across the deck in a hurry. “Eye Lash, wake up and get across to the battleship! Velvet, Jam, Patch, go! Now! ”
Without a moment to lose, Patch jumped to action, grabbing Jam and racing off towards Eye Lash, Velvet close behind him. Spyglass rushed in and grabbed Vex, taking off towards the Complete Vexation , filly in tow. “Captain, if I may-”
“Miss Vex, we need your ship’s weapons operational now. That battleship is as dangerous as they come now, especially with the Admiral falling to her doom!” His wings flapped in a fury as he streaked over to the deck of the Vexation, Vex struggling in his grip as he slammed into the deck and sprinted for the bridge of the door. The roaring of the enemy ship’s engines picked up as his crew, and the enemy’s, started to gather their wits.
Time was running out.
He kicked open the command tower’s door and ran up the stairs, racing for the bridge in a huff.
“I’m capable of moving under my own volition, you know” Vex grunted, shoving against Spyglass’ chest.
“This isn’t the time!” Spyglass shouted back, not missing a step. “If I drop you, I might trample you!”
“Tch...” Vex clicked her tongue in annoyance, just long enough for Spyglass to finish the climb and slide over to the bridge’s door. He threw it open and raced inside, running up to the command chair, gently placing Vex on it.
Spyglass raced for the consoles at the front of the ship, looking over them for only a moment before gritting his teeth at the perplexing machinery. He turned and shouted back to the filly on the command seat, Vex already at work. “Vex, get this ship’s weapons working and break formation with the other ships. Move back and up above the Iris and Tomcat , then open fire.”
Vex froze. “What did you just order me to do?”
“Fire on the enemy. If we’re lucky, we can catch them by surprise and knock them out of the sky before their reprisal.” Spyglass’s voice was level, but his sharp breathing betrayed his urgency. “Miss Vex, you have your orders. If we do not sink them, there is no telling what their response will be now that their Admiral is gone, and two of our ships are outgunned. Our only chance is to strike first while they are incapacitated.” He gestured to the arcane controls of the Vexation . “I would do it myself, but I can’t make heads or tails of these.”
Vex closed her eyes, her body shuddering. Spyglass looked down at her. “...Miss Vex, you have your orders.”
“I do.” Vex opened her eyes once again, placing a hoof on the silver control panel. With a few expert flicks, the sound of gears filled the entirety of the Vexation ’s bridge. It was as if somewhere in the belly of the ship, several hundred massive clockwork contraptions had all come to life at once. “And I refuse.”
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Chapter 1: The Madpony's Conscription (By ScarletWeather)
Captain Spyglass was a pirate.
Yes, he had a strict code of honor. Yes, technically he was empowered by the government of Equestria to seize merchant vessels belonging to hostile nations and take possession of the vessels themselves and all cargo aboard. Yes, somewhere in his cabin was a paper license making all of the above quite legal and ensuring that even were Her Majesty’s Royal Navy to overtake his ship and not recognize it, he and his crew would be fine. Yes, this technically made him a privateer.
The fact of the matter, however, was that nopony aboard the battleship Iris would ever have signed up and stayed aboard if he had called his crew “the Farsight Privateers”. So pirates they were. And not just any pirates.
Spyglass and his crew were sky pirates.
Spyglass flexed his wings, feeling a rush of wind pass between the feathers. He was a large, tawny-coated pegasus and years of rough living had weathered his mane to a salt-and-pepper grey, not that he would ever openly acknowledge this. His cutie mark- a compass rose emblazoned with a single, wide-open eye in its center- was partially hidden by a heavy, blue naval jacket which had slits cut for his wings. He nipped at the jacket’s collar with his mouth, adjusting it. Pegasus magic offered a degree of protection from stormy, chilly weather, but sometimes the Weird Winds that made their way above and below the clouds on the outskirts of Equestria required a little extra protection to deal with. Also, it made him look three times more impressive.
Spyglass extended the tool that was his namesake. Years ago, he’d lost an eye in a scuffle. The surgeon who had operated thought it would be absolutely /hilarious/ to replace the missing eye with a brass spyglass, which somehow -inexplicably- still functioned in the absence of an eye to look through it. Spyglass, while grateful for the preservation of his vision, had found it equally hilarious to hurl that particular surgeon overboard. Yes, she had been a pegasus and was in no real danger from being thrown off an airship, but it was the thought that counted.
The target of the day’s raid was a transport ship, the /Ugly Duckling/. Bound between the Shetland Isles on the border of Equestrian territory and the rogue nation of Griffonstone, one of his lookouts had reported that it had become separated from its defensive convoy during a particularly bad weird storm. The /Duckling/ herself had no cannons, and more than likely very few trained bodyguards aboard. It was an ideal prize- no muss, no fuss, get aboard and grab as much loot as possible, and maybe a few valuable hostages as well if the opportunity arose. Even the Farsight Pirates couldn’t manage to bungle things up with a job this simple.
Spyglass reflected that every time he had thought the previous sentence in the past, somepony had managed to bungle things.
“C-captain?”
Spyglass sighed, not even bothering to turn around. “Yes, Telescope?” He could hear the young pegasus’s knees knocking together behind him.
Telescope’s voice was a high, tremulous tenor. “Um, may I be excused from the boarding party, sir?”
“On what grounds, Mr. Telescope?” Spyglass continued watching his target,
“Well, the hold might be full of murderous griffons! And I have a family to think about back home!” Telescope’s knees knocked together as he backed away slightly. “Um. Please?”
“Mr. Telescope, we are both perfectly aware that you are an only child and an orphan. You told me so yourself when you boarded this ship,” Spyglass sighed. “In addition, this is the third consecutive boarding attempt you have chosen to pass on. Before that you were afraid of griffon pox. Before that you were afraid of accidentally being attacked by a killer griffon booby-trap. Tell me, Mr. Telescope, is your next planned excuse some other variant on griffons, or will it be manticores next?”
Spyglass turned, his glowering expression somewhat enhanced by his missing eye. “Well?”
Telescope shrank back, and Spyglass rather uncharitably thought that in a few moments his white coat might gain a few splotches of yellow. “Erm, well, that is… maybe?”
“Dismissed, Mr. Telescope,” Spyglass sighed. “Tell Miss Velvet that she is to report for the boarding party, by the way. I haven’t seen her.”
“Er, t-that’s because she’s already aboard, Captain,” Telescope admitted, shrinking even further.
“What? ”
“S-she said something about ‘target locked’ and launched herself o-over. Of course she started falling so Lens Crafter and Patch grabbed her and p-pulled her up onto the d-deck…”
“And why didn’t I see this?” Spyglass barked. “I’ve been staring at that ship for the past few minutes-”
“W-well the last bit happened just now. While you were looking at me. Um, sir.”
Grinding his teeth against each other hard enough to produce meal from seed corn, Spyglass glared at his lookout. “Mr. Telescope, you are /dismissed/.”
The cowardly pegasus fled below decks so quickly that air seemed to rush in to fill the space he had left behind.
Spyglass leaped into the air, extending his wings to their full span and flapping them. Honestly, this was to be expected.
The “legendary” Farsight Pirates hadn’t captured a prize since the end of last year, after all. Not since they’d found that idiotic automaton.
Cerise “Bloodshot” Velvet was a pirate.
By some definition, at least, she was a pirate. She sailed with a pirate crew and carried weapons and took orders from her superior officer. This made her a pirate.
Generally, however, pirates were not made of clockwork.
Only a few minutes around the tawny-coated unicorn were enough to see the deception. Her coat was clearly made of fine bristles of some sort of wire rather than the naturally soft hair of other ponies. Her joints seemed unnaturally stiff when performing certain motions. When she moved her head in certain directions, a close enough listener could actually hear the hundreds of pistons, gears, and pulleys moving in synch. Her magical aura had a faint whiff of brimstone around it, not unlike the arcane engines aboard certain airships.
Of course, a sufficiently unobservant pony might miss these finer details, or the fact that her black starburst cutie mark seemed to have been carefully painted on. Even for the densest of ponies, however, it was plainly obvious that Velvet was a clockwork as soon as she opened her mouth.
“UNIT-SPYGLASS, THIS UNIT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SHE HAS ACTED IN ADVANCE OF ORDERS. HOWEVER, THIS UNIT DETECTED AN UNKNOWN MAGICAL SIGNATURE OF GREAT INTEREST AND DEEMED IT BEST TO PURSUE.”
Spyglass’ ears rang. Even high above the ground, with winds whipping about and quiet voices swept away, Velvet’s tinny, artificial voice boomed out with enough force to bowl over a pony who stood too close to her. He feared that his entire crew would lose their hearing before he had a chance to figure out precisely how to fix the strange construct he’d been saddled with. “Miss Velvet,” he groaned, pacing along the boards of the /Ugly Duckling/, “please shut up and leave the decision-making to me.”
“AFFIRMATIVE, UNIT-SPYGLASS. INCIDENTALLY, THIS UNIT DETECTED THE MAGICAL SIGNATURE IN THE SHIP’S HOLD.”
Spyglass bit back the pain he felt all through his eardrums, instead taking stock of the ship he had boarded. Even without cannons or other ship-to-ship ordnance, he had expected at least a token resistance from the crew of the /Duckling/. Perhaps a few griffons armed with pistols or cutlasses, planning on protecting their investment, or a few tougher sailors prepared to defend their ship from being seized. Instead, the moment he had hit the deck he was met with nothing. He had assumed that the crew would have retreated below decks in preparation to send out their captain and surrender, but even that seemed unlikely. The ship was far too quiet.
It was as if every pony on board had vanished.
Spyglass felt a chill creep up his spine. He had heard stories of ships caught in the Weird Winds emerging on the other side without their crew. Nopony knew what happened to sailors who vanished like this. Or if they did, it wasn’t something they were keen on talking about.
He walked along the deck, continuing to take stock. The more he walked, the more worried he felt. The ropes and tethers holding the ship’s gas bag in place were badly frayed and seemed as if they hadn’t been maintained in quite some time. Discolored stains abounded on the deck’s timbers. He could see rotting and warping. The /Ugly Duckling/ had been crippled and damaged long before his crew had come aboard then, and the majority of the crew had abandoned it.
There was nothing for it. If he wanted to know where the crew had gone, there was only one place to proceed.
“Miss Velvet- and please do not verbally confirm that you acknowledge this request,” Spyglass began, speaking carefully, “please accompany me to rendezvous with who or whatever created this magical signature you have apparently detected. Be prepared in case of resistance.”
“ACKNOWLEDGED,” Velvet buzzed. Noticing as Spyglass, winced away from her, her face made a mechanical twitch, possibly an attempt at a grimace. “THIS UNIT APOLOGIZES, UNIT-SPYGLASS. DUE TO ERRORS IN THIS UNIT’S RIGHT-FRONTAL LOGIC CIRCUIT, THIS UNIT’S RESPONSE TO CERTAIN COMMANDS AND MEMORIZATION MAY HAVE A TIME DELAY OF UP TO SIX SEC-SEC-SEC-SEC-SEC-”
Spyglass groaned and, almost mechanically, slammed his forehoof against Velvet’s head. She ceased twitching. “-SECONDS. THIS UNIT IS GRATEFUL FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE, UNIT-SPYGLASS.”
“Miss Velvet, you may show your gratitude by giving me a chance to hear myself think.”
“ACKNOWLEDGED.”
Spyglass had developed a phenomenal amount of self-control in his years flying aboard the /Iris/.It took every ounce he had gathered not to hit Velvet again. He instead contented himself by uttering a deep, contemptuous grunting noise and made his way towards the entrance to the ship’s hold.
The ship’s hold smelled like stale food. Even before he set hoof into it, Spyglass recoiled slightly. In a way he supposed that it was lucky Velvet was accompanying him on this particular excursion. She wouldn’t particularly mind the oppressive, choked atmosphere. It was as if every ration barrel in the hold had been left open to the maggots, and those which hadn’t contained nothing but six-month-old hardtack more suitable for use as ammunition than for equine consumption.
The lanterns along the walls had long since gone dark, and somepony had thrown boards over every conceivable porthole. Spyglass clicked his teeth in disapproval. “Miss Velvet, some illumination if you please?”
“ACKNOWLEDGED.”
A dull glow enveloped Velvet’s horn, and the distinct brimstone-and-static smell of an arcane engine mingled with the aroma of spoiled and aged food. It was a testament to Spyglass’ constitution that he forged ahead, allowing Velvet to walk a few paces in front of him in order to light the path. As they walked, he muttered. “No sign of slaves aboard, too damn quiet for that… no crew either. And the provisions are fouled. They must have been gone for quite some time. Who sails around on an empty ship? It doesn’t-”
“QUERY: UNIT-SPYGLASS, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? THIS UNIT IS THE ONLY OTHER INDIVIDUAL PRESENT, AND THIS-UNIT DOES NOT KNOW ANY MORE THAN YOU DO.”
Spyglass hoped that his grave would include the words: “here lies Captain Spyglass: A saint whose patience exceeded every virtue known to equinity.” After only a minute’s worth of time exploring the Duckling with Velvet, he felt he had more than earned it.
“Ah, my dear mechanical maiden, don’t be so gauche! Obviously there’s at least one other individual down here.”
Spyglass and Velvet whirled to face the source of the noise. Spyglass was not prepared for what he saw.
Somehow, unnoticed by either of them until that moment, a unicorn stallion had been lazing along the top of several closed barrels and munching a somehow-unspoiled apple. He was slender, well-proportioned, and apparently unconcerned by his surroundings. His bright pink coat almost seemed to glow like some kind of magical lamp in the darkness of the hold. Strangely enough, however, despite the fact that he was at least in his twenties, he entirely lacked a cutie mark.
Spyglass, unable to process the improbable existence of this particular passenger, turned instead to Velvet. “Is he the magic signature you detected?”
Velvet said nothing, instead jittering in place several times.
The lounging stallion appeared to take notice of her for the first time as well. “Ooh, I say! Is she a clockwork?” He licked his lips. “I can think of so many possibilities. What is your name, my dear?”
“THIS UNIT’S DESIGNATION IS UNIT-VELVET. QUERY: WHAT IS THE DESIGNATION OF UNIT QUESTIONING THIS UNIT?”
“My, so many units.” The stallion winked. “My name, my darling, is Eye Lash. I am the greatest of stallions ever to be born, the future ruler of Equestria, and I am making you my queen as of this moment.”
Spyglass coughed. “Lad, I’m not sure exactly how crazy you were driven by the spoiled-food fumes down here, but she’s a clockwork mare. There is no way in hell that-”
He was cut off mid-sentence by the sound of Velvet starting to violently shake next to him, her gears audibly grinding as she processed Eye’s question.
“THIS UNIT FERVENTLY ACCEPTS YOUR PROPOSAL, UNIT-EYE.”
Spyglass tried very hard not to physically choke on his words.
Eye smiled. “Oh, come now, surely it can’t be that surprising that even objects fall for me! Why, this ship itself holds nothing but love for me. Otherwise it would never have made it this far, what with all the crew dying from…” he trailed off, scratching his chin with a hoof. “What was it I was about to say they’d died from?”
Spyglass began to gather his bearings again. “Actually, information you could provide might be helpful-”
“Ah, yes! They died because I brutally murdered them, one at a time, in a horrifically ironic manner tailored to each one’s vice! I think drowning the alcoholic in port was a particularly nasty touch.” Eye laughed.
Spyglass reacted instantly. His wings shot to their full span and he steeled his muscles. At this range, launching himself into flight with his magic would likely break a few of this mad-pony’s bones, but he didn’t care. For some reason, as ludicrous as the claim sounded, he believed it. Down to the core of his being, he believed this stallion capable of murder.
It was only years of honed reaction time that save his life. He leaped back, using his wings for an extra burst of propulsion, just in time to avoid being in the line of fire of one of a concealed barrel which emerged from a hidden panel in Velvet’s side he had been hitherto unaware of. “THIS UNIT APOLOGIZES, UNIT-SPYGLASS.” As tinny and obnoxiously loud as her vocalizations were, Spyglass sensed that Velvet had steeled herself- no pun intended
Eye Lash sighed. “Oh dear, I seem to have misjudged my audience. You’ll have to forgive me, flying around on an empty ship has given me a morbid sense of humor.” He smiled disarmingly. “The other passengers of this ship died of a plague, every one to a mare. Including my old master, though I will confess to pushing him over the side when he begged for death. You were quite willing to believe that one pony was capable of killing an entire, able-bodied crew, though, Captain!”
Spyglass grunted, relaxing somewhat. “And you seem a bit touched in the head,” he muttered. Raising his voice, he continued. “Mr. Lash, your rather tasteless joke is forgiven. As we’re within winging distance of port, I would be happy to send a crew member down with you to escort you to safety, or bear you as a passenger aboard my own ship to-”
“I’d be delighted to join your crew, thank you for your kind offer, Captain Spyglass!” Eye Lash leaped down from the barrels, posing dramatically. “I promise you that I’ll accomplish great things. Why, we’ll even conquer Equestria together!”
Spyglass coughed. “Mr. Lash, I never actually offered to make you a part of my crew-”
“UNIT-SPYGLASS, THIS UNIT WHOLEHEARTEDLY RECOMMENDS THE ADDITION OF UNIT-EYE TO THE CREW OF THE /IRIS/.”
Velvet had not moved from her defensive position. Spyglass suddenly remembered exactly how well-armed the unicorn-construct was. He relented. “Erm. Very well then. Mr. Lash, you may serve as our new cabin boy until-”
“Come, my love, let us away! We must introduce ourselves to my new comrades of the air!”
As Eye and Velvet bounded away, leaving a wave of dust in their wake, Spyglass coughed and seethed. That was no survivor he had rescued. That was a madpony who, lying or not, was clearly a danger to everything and everypony surrounding him.
And he had just provisionally agreed to take him aboard his warship.
“Celestia’s Horn!” he swore, before running after the two, praying his situation would not worsen.
“I don’t like the way he’s been looking at those cannons.”
Captain Spyglass grunted as he attempted to adjust the awkward eye-replacement that had earned him his name. The crew had brought Eye Lash on board only a few days ago, and already a deep-seated sense of regret had begun to consume his every waking moment. If it weren’t for what he was beginning to consider a deeply-misguided sense of equine decency, he might have “accidentally” knocked the unicorn over the edge of his vessel while in flight or “forgotten” him at the nearest port town. Every time such thoughts - entirely rational ones - crossed his mind, something stopped him.
That “something” being Velvet.
Ever since he had acquired the android, he’d been dubious about her ability to actually fulfill her duties. Unicorns were too much of a rarity in Sky Pirating to reasonably expect to recruit one, so he’d given Telescope permission to work on the half-broken mess of a unicorn-replicant the group had found in a ship’s ruins. Unfortunately, the best Telescope could seem to do was keep her from entirely overheating. Her constant glitching, stuttering, and tottering from side to side was in near danger of giving away her secret every time she was presented to the enemy. If it weren’t for the fact that her targeting systems were functional, making her the only markspony on the ship who could hit the broad side of a barn, he’d have left her for the scrap heap. As it was, “Bloodshot Velvet” currently lead the ship in kills. All of two ponies. One of whom they hadn’t even been trying to rob.
On second thought, Spyglass reflected, she probably wasn’t all that valuable in the grand scheme of things.
And now, for some reason, she was infatuated with this Eye Lash, and constantly at his side. She seemed able to sense Spyglass’ misgivings - every time he approached either unicorn, she would stare at him with the soul-crushing intensity that only a malfunctioning robot could muster. When that failed to trigger a guilt response, she would cough pointedly and begin cleaning her weapons. Including the miniature flamethrower that Telescope had discovered in her built-in armaments last week.
Spyglass felt outnumbered.
If only there was a way to-
“Captain, are you internally monologuing things again? I’ve warned you about that, it makes you look kind of spacey.”
Spyglass sighed and turned his attention to the pegasus in front of him. “Ah, Mr. Patch. I’m afraid you have it in one.”
Patch, a young pegasus with a noticeable scar running along his left cheek starting at his jawline-
-wait, that was new. Spyglass frowned. “Mr. Patch, where did you acquire that rather impressive gaping wound?”
“New guy.” Patch jerked his head in the general direction of Eye Lash, who was still cavorting about the deck with Velvet in tow, seductively licking the outside of each of the ship’s weapons as if testing for flavor. “Apparently he sleep-mutilates, if you can believe it. He was flailing around last night and stumbled over to my hammock with a stake, screaming ‘stand down, vampire chieftain, the first blood shall be mine!’.”
Spyglass attempted to process this information. His brain gave up on the task halfway through and rebooted, before choosing to approach only the bits which caused him the least mental anguish. “He… thought you were a vampire, so he attacked you?”
Patch nodded. “Aye.”
“And you aren’t bothered by this?”
“Not really.” Patch shrugged his wings and probed the edge of the scar with his tongue. “I got Oracle to stitch me up afterwards, and I heal fairly quickly. Besides, it wasn’t as if our new recruit was entirely wrong. I am a vampire.” He paused for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth as he worked out a few calculations. “Well, about an eighth of one. On my mother’s father’s uncle’s side. By marriage.”
The part of Spyglass which held the world to be a rational place governed by order and harmony gave up, opting to take a vacation to somewhere that made more sense. What was left of his sensibilities rallied, allowing him to respond to Patch’s confession with a low, “Ah.”
The two sat on the deck in silence for a moment before Patch pointed to Eye Lash and Velvet. “Captain, are the two of them supposed to be attempting to stick their heads into the main gun like that? It sounds like Mr. Lash is attempting to… er… orally stimulate it.”
Spyglass drew himself up to his full height and with the full dignity of his office declared “At this point, I do not care. I will be retiring to my cabin. Wake me up when the world returns to some semblance of sanity.”
“So then never, sir?”
Spyglass groaned. “Fair point. Wake me up if we see a-”
“SHIP SIGHTED OFF THE STARBOARD BOW! IT’S FLYING GRIFFONHOLM COLORS, SIR!”
“-that,” Spyglass finished, suddenly returning to attention. “Mr. Patch, please inform the rest of the crew that I want everyone mustered on deck as quickly as they please. We are going to engage.”
“What about Mr. Lash and Ms. Velvet, Captain?”
Spyglass pondered the question for a moment, then made his decision. “Give them both guns. We’re sending them over first.”
Eye Lash looked with glee at the weapon levitating in front of him. “Can it be? Am I truly to be united with this unholy beauty?”
Spyglass winced, then nodded. “Yes, Mr. Lash. Until further notice, this is to be your weapon. It’s a modified, nail-firing pistol designed to wreak maximum havoc and carnage. As a prospective overlord, I felt it only right to have you wield it.”
A bead of sweat trickled down the side of Spyglass’ forehead. The only chance he had of getting rid of the monster he had allowed onto his crew was now. What he was about to do went against every code of nautical, aerial, and generally moral decency he knew, but given the target he assumed that whatever gods judged him in the afterlife would understand. If Velvet sensed his hostility at any point, however, he had no doubt that the last thing he would see before setting sail for hell would be her emotionless, robotic face.
Fortunately, so far she seemed as entranced by the pistol he had handed her as Eye was with his. “THIS UNIT APPROVES OF THE ARMAMENT UNIT-SPYGLASS HAS SELECTED,” she announced.
Spyglass flinched. “Ms. Velvet, is there really no way you could adjust your volume? I realize we’re at a rather high altitude, but there is no need to resort to decibel levels known to cause permanent hearing damage.”
“THIS UNIT’S VOLUME LEVELS ARE REGRETTABLY UNABLE TO BE REDUCED FROM ‘MAXIMUM’ DUE TO A MALFUN-FUN-FUNCTIOOON. MAINTENANCE IS ADVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVIVI-”
A horseshoe clanged against Velvet’s head, and it snapped back before returning to its original position. “IS ADVISED, UNIT-SPYGLASS.”
“Thank you, Mr. Patch,” Spyglass said, tipping his wing to the other pegasus in a gesture of gratitude.
“Don’t mention it, Captain,” Patch replied, returning the wing-salute. “It happens.”
Spyglass returned his attention to the android in front of him. “Ms. Velvet, just to confirm a few things- your current malfunction, has it affected any of your internal weaponry? Say, oh… the flamethrower and spraygun which might be used to clear the deck of large numbers of enemy privateers at once, preventing them from bringing you and a small group from our crew down by sheer weight of numbers?”
There was a clicking and hissing sound as Velvet’s clockwork mind ran self-diagnostics. At last, she spoke. “REGRETTABLY THIS IS CORRECT, UNIT-SPYGLASS.”
“Oh, what a shame, well, absolutely nothing to be done about that, come along you two, I’m sure you’ll be fine with those lovely pistols I’ve acquired for you, make sure to aim the hollow end at the enemy, and-” Spyglass halted his nervous barrage of instructions as he looked at Eye. “Mr. Lash, why are you attempting to suck on the barrel of your weapon?”
The unicorn removed the pistol from his mouth with a small popping noise. “Annalise told me she enjoys it.”
“Annalise?”
“Yes, the gun. Her name is Annalise.” A dreamy expression crossed Eye’s face as he cradled the pistol tenderly in his magic. “Or perhaps it’s Carlotta. Or Lorenzo! Or-”
Spyglass’ sense of self-preservation managed to kick in before any further names could be recited. “Excellent! Mr. Lash, I am very glad to see that you and Ms. Velvet are growing familiar with your new equipment. I have a special task for the two of you.” He pointed one of his forehooves out into the distance, indicating the rapidly-approaching Griffonholm ship. “Our lookout has identified that vessel as a Griffon slaver. As most slavers are, it is likely filled with burly, heavily armed griffons who engage in ritual cannibalism. Since you and Ms. Velvet are our two best marksmen, we would like you to board the vessel first and clear its decks. Don’t worry, we will be right behind you.”
Velvet’s clockwork brain began to whir again, and Spyglass’ heart froze in his chest. A small chant began in the back of his mind. Buy it you bucket of scrap metal and gears, buy it or I’ll-
“THIS UNIT APPROVES OF THIS PLAN. IT ALLOWS FOR UNIT-EYE’S NATURAL TALENTS OF BLOODSHED AND CHAOS TO BE PUT TO THEIR BEST USE.”
“Don’t forget depravity, my dear. I’m very good at that as well,” Eye added as he polished his new pistol’s barrel.
Spyglass felt his heart begin to soar. He could barely resist the urge to shout his glee to the heavens. He contented himself with imagining kicking Eye over the edge of his vessel and sending him screaming hundreds of feet towards the ground, which was rapidly becoming his third most-soothing fantasy.
“Well, good luck you two. As soon as the ship is within boarding range, I’ll instruct…” Spyglass mentally ran through the roster of his crew, before selecting the two most disposable names he could, “Mr. Binoculars and Mr. Lens Crafter to carry you over before returning to this vessel to pick up more earthbound crew members.”
“Aye, aye, sir!” Eye cheered before pointing the business end of his pistol at Spyglass’ nose. “Incidentally, Captain, could you confirm that I’ve loaded this correctly? I’ve never-”
“I CAN CONFIRM THAT IT IS VERY MUCH LOADED MR. LASH PLEASE PUT IT DOWN NOW!” Spyglass roared, trying to duck his head out of the weapon’s line of fire.
“Oh! Woopsie. I’ll have to be careful with that. Shoot the problems, not my minions.” Eye lowered the weapon, to Spyglass’ intense relief, and turned to Velvet. “Well, my dear? Shall we away?”
“AGREED, UNIT-EYE. WE SHALL PREPARE TO BOARD.”
As the two stalked away, Patch slipped up to his captain’s side. “Captain, are you insane? That’s the Tomcat we’ve spotted. The last we’d heard of them their entire crew were killers to a bird. And those pistols you handed them… they aren’t bad, but they’re-”
“Incapable of sustaining a rate of fire that could possibly keep a dozen or so griffons at bay with only two armed ponies? Oh, I know. And my soul may be locked in the darkest recesses of Tartarus for it. But strangely, Mr. Patch? At the moment, I do not care.” Spyglass laughed mirthlessly. “That Eye Lash fellow is the vilest, most despicable individual I’ve ever met. I’m fairly certain he’d slit his mother’s throat for half a bit, and probably copulate with the headless body afterwards just for fun. If it weren’t for Velvet, I’d have given in and sent him over the edge long ago. As for her… well, it’s a pity to lose a crew member, but it’s for the greater good.”
“The greater good?” Patch echoed in disbelief.
“Precisely, Mr. Patch. There’s no need to repeat-”
The sounds of gunfire filled the air.
“Aha. It sounds as if the two of them are already in the process of engaging.”
Patch groaned, burying his face in one of his hooves. “Captain, I understand your concerns over that new guy. Believe me, I do. He just left a gash the size of a melon slice in my face-”
Spyglass peered at the injury. “A melon slice? Are you sure? It looks more like an orange slice sized wound, or perhaps grapefruit-”
“A gash the size of a compact melon slice,” Patch continued, “and it hurt like hell to regenerate and I’m pretty sure that the ‘anaesthetic’ that Oracle used when he stitched me up is an addictive narcotic. These are all good reasons to get rid of an ordinary terrible crew member. But there is no way on Equus that any of us should consent to get rid of this terrible crew member.”
Spyglass felt his train of thought shudder to a halt before exploding into hundreds of pieces, a fictional-railway tragedy which would be unequaled for at least two hundred years. “I... what?”
As Patch opened his mouth to explain, the lookout’s voice drowned him out. “CAPTAIN? THEY’VE STOPPED SHOOTING! SHOULD WE GO OVER NOW?”
“Aaah. Well, poor Mr. Lash, Celestia carry his soul to the realms of light, and all that,” Spyglass said with maybe a smidge less dignity than the benediction usually carried. “I am sorry he perished before we had a chance to discuss your rationale for sparing him, but what’s done is done. I’ll be sure to provide a proper burial for what’s left of the corpse. And who knows? Maybe parts of Velvet will still be salvageable.” He strode for the edge of the deck with a spring in his step. “All hands, proceed with the usual boarding!”
A hoarse laugh met his command, and an icy claw gripped Spyglass’ heart as he turned and made eye contact with Patch. “...Mr. Patch?”
Patch raised his eyes. Something within the yellow irises was cold, deathless, and impossibly deep. Spyglass felt every feather along his wings prickle. Whatever was back there was older than equinity, perhaps even older than the sun.
A voice that was at once Patch’s and not spoke the words that unraveled Spyglass’ comforting fantasy. “Are you so sure of your plans, Captain?”
Then the moment passed, and Patch was nothing but an ordinary pegasus with a disfiguring facial wound again. “Captain?”
“Yes. Yes, I’m absolutely sure, Mr. Patch,” Spyglass replied as his heart began to beat normally once again.
This time, imagining kicking Eye Lash over the edge was less comforting than it was hollow- a child-like fantasy that was too far out of reach to ever come true.
Spyglass wasn’t sure what he had expected, in retrospect, when he landed on the deck of the Tomcat . It certainly wasn’t what he saw.
The Tomcat was widely known in the skies surrounding Hoofington as the most feared slaving vessel ever to take to the air. Their captain, Greta Grizzle, had been wanted for years by Equestrian law enforcement for the crime of devouring a pony’s beating heart in front of the unfortunate victim. In truth, he hadn’t really expected to take the vessel- just to engage, hopefully tie them down, and send a signal out to the nearest military vessel. The thought of two ponies clearing the ship in a matter of minutes was unthinkable.
But his eyes- well, eye- couldn’t lie. What he saw in front of him was unmistakably reality. He knew for a fact that Oracle’s supply of hallucinogens had been kept out of his food rations.
The deck of the Tomcat was coated in gore and feathers. Griffon corpses were splayed out, nails embedded deep in their carcasses, wings torn off, and down matted with blood. It was as if a typhoon of bullets and shrapnel had torn through the ship, leaving absolutely no survivors-
Well, save two. Two and a half. The half was a griffon whose lower limbs had apparently ceased to function, crawling away from the remaining two survivors in a panic.
Velvet’s aura levitated her pistol towards the fleeing bird, but Eye Lash’s hoof raised up and stopped it. With a grin that made Spyglass’ stomach attempt to turn itself inside out, he leveled his weapon at the griffon’s head and fired, point-blank.
The head exploded into bloody chunks, spattering the deck and most of the onlookers. Improbably, most of it avoided Eye entirely.
Spyglass’ mouth opened and closed on its own for several moments before Patch reached up and stopped it with a hoof. “Now are you ready to listen to me about why we should keep him around, captain?”
“That caliber of pistol shouldn’t even be able to do that,” Spyglass squeaked. He hadn’t been aware his voice could even reach a register that high.
“Ah, Captain! Excellent timing! I wanted to thank you for bringing me and Dahlia together!” Eye shouted, waving his pistol in the air. The trigger snapped, firing a stray bullet that whizzed past Spyglass’ snout before somehow managing to ricochet off a passing stormcloud and clip Patch’s ear before burying itself in the Tomcat ’s deck.
“Mr. Patch! Are you alright?”
Patch simply glared at Spyglass with an intensity that didn’t quite match his soul-freezing stare from before, but came damn close.
“Ah.” Spyglass returned his attention to Eye, frantically running through his options. After rejecting “push him off the edge” three times, he finally settled on the least of all available evils. “Good work, Mr. Lash, Ms. Velvet. You may accompany Mr. Patch and myself as we examine the rest of the ship for survivors, prisoners, and goods.”
Eye raised his weapon in salute. Velvet accompanied him. “UNIT-EYE’S PERFORMANCE WAS EXCEPTIONAL, UNIT-SPYGLASS. TWELVE SHOTS, TWELVE KILLS.”
Something snapped in Spyglass’ brain again. “...that pistol can only fire six shots.”
“UNIT-EYE CAPTURED TWO ENEMY PISTOLS FROM ELIMINATED TARGETS.”
Spyglass crumpled to the deck in a dead faint.
Eye walked over to the Captain’s body and prodded it with a hoof. “Is he dead?”
“NEGATIVE. UNIT-SPYGLASS HAS MERELY REACHED A STATE OF ‘CANNOT EVEN’. THIS UNIT PREDICTS HE WILL RECOVER MOMENTARILY.”
“Pity. I thought I might get to be captain if he was,” Eye lamented. “Ah well! I suppose it’s no good wasting a perfectly capable future Admiral. Come along, Velvet! There are rooms to explore! Weapons, treasure, enemies! We might even find a corkscrew !”
Velvet tried to tilt her head to the side inquisitively, but failed as her gears locked once again, and so contented herself by twitching erratically in a very inquisitive fashion. “QUERY: OF WHAT SIGNIFICANCE IS A CORKSCREW TO UNIT-EYE?”
“Oh, trust me. They’re very handy.” Eye cantered to the door to the ship’s hold and blasted through the lock with a single shot of his pistol. “Well, off we go! Make sure you all don’t leave without us!”
As soon as the two had vanished through the door, Spyglass regained consciousness. Patch helped the pegasus to his hooves, even helpfully polishing his spyglass-eye. “Captain, are you alright?”
“I will never be alright again,” Spyglass groaned, “and neither will anyone else. This is quite possibly the worst day of my life.”
A child-like scream of excitement echoed from below decks. “Velvet, come quickly! Just look at this gun! It has four barrels! ”
“Ah. Now it’s the worst.”
Patch laughed. “Oh, don’t worry, Captain... Just think - we completely overwhelmed the Tomcat with two ponies! With a reputation like that, ponies will surrender in droves! We’ll be terrors of the four winds! I think that’s a small price to pay for carrying around an extra psychopath or so, don’t you?”
Spyglass grunted. “I suppose that’s a plus…”
“Besides, he did have the whole fitting name going on. Which is more than I can say, come to think of it.” Mosquito looked pensive for a moment before brightening back up. “And don’t worry, Captain. I’m sure we’ll all adjust very quickly to having Mr. Lash on board.”
“That, Mr. Patch,” Spyglass snapped, “is exactly what I’m afraid of.”
“Allow me get this straight,” Spyglass said for the thirty-fifth time.
Patch grunted in response, preparing himself for the same battery of questions he’d been asked thirty-four times previous to this. It wasn’t all bad. He’d become so adept at answering these particular questions that he could now do it entirely automatically, leaving his brain free to ponder other things. For instance, exactly how amusing it would be if he were to “accidentally” knock Captain Spyglass overboard. Not lethal for a pegasus, but very embarrassing, and it was the thought that counted.
“You are somehow one-eighth of a vampire. By marriage.”
“Something like that. Debatable whether it’s an eighth or a sixth, really,” Patch replied, stifling a yawn as he allowed his mind to dwell on that strange “kicking wildly at the air” thing all pegasi did in a free fall before remembering that their wings existed.
“Last night you were attacked by Mr. Eye Lash with a stake because, improbably, he knew this about you.”
“Personally I think he just sleep-mutilates. But yes.”
“You have healed a wound the size of a good-sized slice of grapefruit-”
“Compact melon .”
“Whichever fruit,” Spyglass waved his hoof dismissively. “The point is that you have somehow miraculously healed a gaping open wound on the side of your face down to scar tissue in a matter of less than twenty-four hours.”
“It would appear so, Captain.” Patch prodded at his cheek, tracing the lines. “It’s a pity I’m only a vampire by marriage. If I was an eighth by blood, I probably could have just fixed the whole thing.”
“That…”
Patch stood silently and watched Spyglass’s entire body quiver as the captain’s mental gears began furiously turning, trying to comprehend this new piece of information. It reminded Patch of watching Velvet mid-malfunction, only with slightly more bursts of profanity midway through.
Eventually, Spyglass’s brain abandoned this pursuit and returned him to his original line of inquiry. “The particulars aside, Mr. Patch, how in Equus did you manage such a feat? I’ve never seen you heal from anything else this quickly. Your eye, for instance.” He pointed at Patch’s eponymous piece of headgear. “Why has that not regenerated yet?”
Patch rolled his one visible eye and grunted before reaching up with a hoof and pulling his eyepatch back. Beneath it was a fully functional, if slightly askew, eyeball. He smacked his own head with a free forehoof, knocking both eyes back into alignment. “Sorry. They tend to start moving on their own whenever I just roll the one,” he apologized to the still-bewildered captain. “This eye healed up months ago, maybe a couple of hours after I joined the crew. It was never gone, Oracle and Binoculars just decided that I needed a good eye nickname, couldn’t think of one, and bucked me in the face before handing me the patch.”
Spyglass opened his mouth to respond, then snapped it closed once more before rethinking things. “Actually, that is the most plausible thing I’ve heard within the last two days,” he admitted. “The eye-names thing is starting to get on my nerves. Maybe we should suspend it with the next crew member?”
“It would break Oracle’s heart, sir.”
“Good .” Spyglass’s feathers ruffled vengefully. “More to the point however, even with your reassurances that you have always been part creature of the night with superior regeneration capabilities, Mr. Patch, I’d like to have you looked at. We need to drop those slaves we freed off at a port town where they can arrange transportation back to Griffonstone anyway, and Tradewinds isn’t far from here. I know some local mages down at the college. If anything’s off, they’ll know.”
Patch shuddered. “The college for magical academics in Tradewinds? Are you sure, sir? All I know about them is that they practice alchemy and make semen-potions.”
“Semen-potions- what ? No! I- who would- no !” Spyglass backed a few steps away, terror written on his face. “Who in Celestia’s kingdom would do such a thing?” He paused for a few seconds. “Who would do such a thing besides Mr. Lash?”
“Very bored magical college students who think it’s a great idea for a joke?” Patch suggested.
“...Once again, your grasp of logic shocks me, Mr. Patch. Remind me again why I haven’t promoted you yet?” Spyglass asked, shaking his head in defeat.
“Mostly a matter of seniority, sir. Also, the last time you promoted me, Eye Lash decided that I was now his personal vampire bodyguard and tried to hand me one of his guns. It had white stuff coming out of it. I am now making it a matter of personal conviction to refuse any and all promotions for the time being.”
Spyglass crumpled to the deck in a dead faint.
Patch allowed himself a small smile and cantered away to inspect the prize the crew had captured again. He knew that eventually Spyglass would wear him down enough to convince him to visit the academy and talk with whoever it was Spyglass knew there. In the meantime, he would enjoy this rare opportunity to talk back to an immediate superior.
The Tomcat had been scoured and scrubbed for two full days to remove the griffon corpses from its decks. As it turned out, Eye Lash had not been entirely conservative with his ammunition and methods. The entire crew had voted that during the next assault he would lead again, but this time without firing anything explosive into a griffon’s brain. They were hell to scrub off of things.
Patch wandered its decks, methodically checking each point of the ship to ensure that it was in working order. Fortunately, while the crew had been dispatched in a manner so gory and violent that even “bloodthirsty Binoculars” had privately said he felt Eye Lash had gone “a little too far”, the crazed unicorn’s bullets hadn’t damaged a single one of the ship’s actual timbers. All of the loot and all of the equipment remained intact. Patch decided not to dwell on this. Eye Lash was easier to get along with if you just accepted his impossibilities as a fact of life.
“Ah! Greetings, my vampire subject! How is my admiral?”
Patch felt a deep wave of regret wash over him. Of course Eye Lash was still on board. He probably wasn’t even halfway through naming, categorizing, and/or making tender, passionate love to Greta Grizzle’s famous collection of firearms. He was standing by the door of the airship’s hold at that moment, polishing a strange, four-barreled gun. Velvet sat beside him, occasionally twitching and belching sparks. Her head rose with an abrupt clacking noise as she sensed Patch’s presence.
“UNIT-PATCH, IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU. MAY THIS UNIT REQUEST ASSISTANCE WITH A TASK? THIS UNIT HAS BEEN ASSIGNED TO WATCH THE PRISONERS TAKEN IN OUR ASSAULT.”
“Prisoners?” Patch scratched this side of his head with a wingtip, a feat possible only for pegasi who were at least one-sixteenth vampire. “What prisoners? You and Eye shot every last one of the crew members, threw most of the corpses over the side, and tried to save the last one to turn into a delightful puppet before the captain ‘accidentally’ knocked it over the side and tackled the two of you to stop you from- I mean, fell over.”
“Oh not them! I mean all those griffons we found in the hold!’ Eye Lash laughed. “The ones with the funny feather colors and gruff accents who keep saying they’re from Griffonstone. That’s silly! Everyone knows griffons are from Griffonholm! They must be really terrible liars.”
In that moment, Patch realized exactly what had driven Spyglass so hard and so far over the last few days. “Eye Lash…:” he began, groaning.
“That’s Mister Lash to you!”
“Right then. Mr. Lash,:” Patch snapped, “You do realize that Griffonholm isn’t even a real country, right? It’s a slave-taking rebellious state that split from our peaceful ally, Griffonstone, years ago. They’re currently in a state of civil war and Celestia herself is doing everything she can to aid King Glenda.”
“QUERY. UNIT-GLENDA IS KING, HOWEVER, UNIT-GLENDA POSSESSES A FEMALE-DESIGNATED NAME. HOW ARE THESE THINGS COMPAT-PAT-PAT-PAT-”
Eye Lash casually slammed one of his forehooves into the side of Velvet’s head. “There you go, my dear.”
“-PATIBLE. THIS UNIT IS MUCH OBLIGED, UNIT-EYE.”
“You can show me later,” Eye Lash crooned, licking all four barrels of his gun in a way that made Patch flinch at the very core of his being.
Instead of dwelling on how the unicorn had managed his oral feat, Patch moved on to a question he could answer. “Griffons always call their ruler a King. Always. Actually, the war apparently got started after one of Glenda’s sisters decided she would rather be called War-Goddess-Queen and then somehow the kangaroos got involved and things just spiraled from there.”
“Kangaroos?” Eye Lash’s face lit up. “I’ve never heard of them. Are they proud warriors? I could use a race of monstrous, proud warriors.”
“I’ve never met one,” Patch answered, inching away. “...And anyway, more to the point, all those griffons in the hold right now are Griffonstone natives. They’re slaves we’re freeing, not prisoners!”
“They aren’t prisoners?” Eye Lash’s elated expression vanished. “Then what were they locked in the hold for?”
“Probably to be sold in one of the port towns that aren’t as heavily policed by Celestia’s royal troops as exotic pets or something, I don’t know. Some ponies are sick that way. Please let them out?” Patch begged, frustration beginning to seep into his voice.
Eye Lash frowned and turned his face away, then turned it back with a bright expression. “So what you’re saying is that even if I let all of them go now, there’s still a chance I could have a pet griffon someday? Oh, perfect! I didn’t like any of these ones anyway. They smell like a ship’s hold.”
Patch decided it was time to beat a tactical retreat back to Spyglass’s side.
“So, Captain.”
“Mr. Patch.”
The two pegasi faced each other as the wind dramatically whipped through their manes, raising the overall coolness factor of the conversation by about twelve percent.
Patch coughed. “So, I still think that Eye Lash is a good crew member and we can’t afford to knock him overboard or ditch him. Especially if we want to keep the reputation we’re about to build when we head into port with the Tomcat .”
Spyglass nodded. “Go on.”
“Also, I don’t really want to drink any potions contaminated with semen. Not my thing. Vaginal fluids are also out. In fact, before we dump anything in my mouth that comes from that college, I want it scanned for bodily fluids. I’m sure we can hire someone for that.”
“Of course.”
“Oh, and I’m pretty sure I’ve always had the whole healing thing. Or at least since I hit puberty.”
“Naturally.”
“All of that said…” Patch took a deep breath. “I’ve decided to reconsider my whole reluctance-on-investigating-this stance. Because if anyone’s crazy enough to break reality, it’s probably feathering Eye Lash .”
“I’m so glad you’ve come around to my point of view, Mr. Patch.” To his credit, Spyglass managed to keep the smugness in his voice about eighty-five percent concealed.
“So, when do we leave for Tradewinds, then?”
“Immediately. I gave the order to set course as soon as I recovered from that dead faint earlier. Thank you for that, by the way, that’s the third time it’s happened this morning, and I almost broke my spyglass in the process.” Spyglass tapped his unusual ocular attachment meaningfully. “Incidentally, in a completely unrelated bit of news, you’re on potato-peeling duty tonight.”
Patch frowned. “We don’t even have potatoes in our food stock right now.”
“I had some brought over from the supplies we captured with the Tomcat . You’re welcome.”
Patch contented himself by staring down his captain with all the ice his heart could muster. This turned out to be quite a lot, as the wind immediately cooled by a few degrees and Spyglass decided it was an excellent time to quit the conversation entirely and retire to his quarters with so much speed that he actually made a pegasus-shaped hole in the air for a moment.
Patch grumbled as he walked down into the hold. Grievous bodily harm was one thing, but he would never forgive Eye Lash for inadvertently getting him stuck with galley duty.
Author's Note
It beginnnns...
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Chapter 8: Tears For Fears (By ScarletWeather)
“Mr. Lash, please explain why a beast from the plains of the Island of Odd and a twelve year old are sitting on the deck of my ship and what possessed you to recruit them as crew members,” Spyglass hissed. “You have thirty seconds.”
“Well, it was really Jam’s idea first. I just acquiesced,” Eye admitted, waving to Space Jam. “Ah, there you are darling! I’m glad to see you made it out of the tavern in one piece. We heard it collapse!”
Spyglass whirled, smoke practically flooding from his nostrils. “Mr. Jam, is this true?”
Jam blanched. “Unfortunately, yes. It was that or-”
“And what, pray tell, made you think you had the right- that you had the authority - to bring on new members of this crew? To just walk up and talk to any old pony wandering the streets of Trottingham - Trottingham, by Celestia’s Grace! - and just offer them a position aboard? Do you understand that I now have to vet them for capabilities that will determine whether they’re an asset to this crew or not, pay them, feed them, find them bunk space? This is an outrage! I am the captain here, not you, and I-”
“Are you quite finished, Captain?” Jam asked, almost lazily. He had not given an inch of ground since the start of Spyglass’ tirade.
Spyglass frowned. This was not how these conversations were supposed to go. Still, he held his own position. “Not entirely. There is also the matter of your-”
“The matter of this, the matter of that, the matter of the Princess’ lily-white ass , Captain,” Jam spat. A few crew members gasped in shock at his profanity, and one particularly sensitive pegasus clapped her forehooves over her ears. “It was bring these two aboard with us or leave one a slave and the other to be hunted down by an angry mob. If you would rather leave us behind, please feel free to turn the Iris around and deposit us at the nearest port. All three of us.” He made a half-step forward, and Spyglass became acutely aware that at his full height, Space Jam was the tallest single pony aboard the ship. “May I remind you that if I depart, the only trained mage you will be able to call on is the esteemed Mr. Lash?”
Spyglass faltered. “I- no, you can’t dismiss practical concerns this way, Mr. Jam! I’m not even sure we have enough space aboard the Iris to house a kangaroo comfortably! We were getting cramped already!”
Patch coughed. “Captain?”
“And even more than that, we haven’t even exchanged half of our goods from the latest prizes for bits! We’ve barely restocked our provisions, and we didn’t even finish before leaving port! I have no idea what any of you ponies are thinking, but I am responsible for the well-being of my entire crew. Saving innocents is excellent, but offering them a permanent berth-”
“Captain, by the Moon’s taint, let me speak! ” Patch roared, bringing Spyglass to an abrupt halt. Two of the crew members, still reeling from Jam’s indiscretion, fainted dead away.
Smooth Talk whistled appreciatively. “This guy. I like this guy,” she commented, nudging Leila. “Tells it like it is.”
“If we’re done squabbling about leadership and practical concerns, Captain, may I remind you that you have a fleet now?” Patch snapped. “Just because Miss Vex can pilot the Complete Vexation without our help doesn’t mean we couldn’t house an entire army on it if necessary. I’m pretty sure the hold could carry half of Trottingham if we needed to. And as for supplies, I’ll check with the chef, but I’m fairly sure that even before we weighed anchor in Trottingham we had enough food to carry us to… say, Sable Blanc, before we really have to worry. As long as we’ve taken on water, we’re probably fine.”
One of the pegasi who had appeared to faint raised her hoof. “It’s entirely true!” she gasped, before passing out again.
Patch blinked. “You two aren’t related, are you?” He asked Spyglass, who shook his head numbly.
“Hey, you. Tall, grey, vaguely spooky. I’m talkin’ to you.” Smooth slipped over to Patch’s side. “Did I hear ya right when you said the name ‘Vex’ earlier?”
Patch blinked his one visible eye. “Why? Does that name mean something to you?”
“Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t, not really any of your business until we get to know each other a little better. So we’re startin’ off with nice, proper self-introductions.” Smooth grinned. “Greetings to you kind folks. I’m Smooth Talk, and the wall of spring-loaded muscle and attitude standin’ next to me is Leila…” she pursed her lips. “Hey, Leila, you got a last name or is it just the one?”
“Leila will do just fine, thank ye.” The kangaroo cracked her forepaws. “And I’m very glad you’ve extended the two of us your hospitality, Captain.” She winked at Eye.
Eye winked back, springing to life as he sauntered over to Spyglass’ side. “Indeed, indeed! The ladies are absolutely right, Captain, absolutely one-hundred percent correct. You are the very soul of Harmony and Generosity to consider taking them on board! After all, they’re absolutely indispensable to my future world domination efforts. I can’t imagine anyone in this crew replacing them, unlike certain other individuals who won’t be named to avoid hurting their feelings. After all, I’m certain they’re trying their best!” He grinned, waggling his eyebrows.
Spyglass frowned. “...Mr. Lash, are you trying to threaten me?”
“Threaten? Oh no, Captain,” Eye grinned. “Absolutely not! And even if I was, weren’t you the pony who, just today, told me that discretion was a quality I absolutely lacked? If I lack in discretion, how could I possibly pull off any sort of subtle, nuanced threat to quietly engineer your death and replace you with myself or one of the other crew members should you at any time choose to directly harm the ponies I spent so much time and effort to recruit!” He let out a long, genuine laugh, slapping Spyglass on the back with a hoof. “Anyway, I will be taking my leave. After all, I’m sure Velvet will be most pleased by my return.”
Spyglass made as if to say something, but felt a hoof on his shoulder. He turned to see Space Jam, quietly shaking his head, and nodded at the unicorn. Jam slipped past the Captain, raising his voice. “Actually, Eye, do you think you could find accommodations for Miss Leila and Smooth Talk first?” he asked. “I’ll accompany you in a few minutes, don’t worry. Then we could both see Velvet together ,”
Eye giggled. “Oooh! Jam, you are an absolute treasure.” He returned his attentions to Leila. “Well, my dear? Any particular part of our fleet you would like to see first?”
“Have ye got any half-decent booze? I’ve been locked in a tavern with naught but water and piss-warm beer to drink for too long now,” Leila complained.
“I believe I know just the thing!” Eye began to bounce in the direction of the ship’s hold. “Follow me!”
Smooth grimaced. “Pass on the stuff. Rots the brain and loosens up the tongue. It’s bad for business.” She turned her attention to Space Jam. “Smooth moves there, lovebird. Now you mind tellin’ the rest of us why you just went out of your way to make sure your hot pink friend over there doesn’t meet up with this Velvet immediately?”
“Velvet was supposed to follow after us, with my si- my friend, Vex, in tow.” Jam caught himself. “They never showed up along the road, or they would likely be here on deck waiting. I find myself wondering what happened to delay that meeting.”
“That’s twice you’ve said that name. I do know a pony who happens to call herself that.” Smooth Talk grinned up at Space Jam. “Alright, prettyboy, where do you think she’s hiding herself right now?”
Jam pointed a hoof in the direction of the Complete Vexation . “Probably on board that.”
Smooth whistled, then nodded her head in satisfaction. “That settles it. Same Vex.”
Vex stared at the ceiling. Beside her, a cup of tea sat on her desk. The lines of steam from its surface had long since vanished. She took a half-hearted sip, then shook her head. “Lukewarm.”
“Unit-Vex, perhaps it would be prudent to focus on rest. This Unit’s sensors indicate extreme mental fatigue.” Velvet stood to the side, watching quietly. “Normally that cup of tea and possibly the vessel it is contained in would have been consumed by now.”
Vex said nothing. Instead, she turned her attention to the piles of sketches on her desk. “That won’t be necessary, Velvet. I’m certain I will recover. It’s simply a matter of focus. Willpower. Mind over matter.”
“This Unit remains unconvinced. Unit-Vex, you were directly affected by This Unit’s actions in Trottingham. Why?” Velvet’s tone was conversational rather than accusatory- at least, as much as Vex could discern. Her voice still carried a hint of mechanical distortion which made picking out emotions difficult.
Vex closed her eyes. “Those six ponies. I shouldn’t have killed them.”
“This Unit’s memory banks are still operating at a hundred percent capacity. Unit-Vex did not terminate those targets. That duty was left to This Unit, and was executed efficiently and without rancor.” Velvet shook her head, and Vex marveled for a moment that the twitches and jerks from when they had first encountered each other seemed to have faded from the android’s movements almost entirely.
“I gave the order. That is no different than pulling the trigger.” Vex frowned. “And I was too much of a coward to tell you to stop. And my Cutie Mark only appeared afterward. Do you understand? I turned you from a pirate into a weapon, Velvet.” The tears threatened to leak through again. “I’m probably no better than whatever pony built…” she caught herself.
“Unit-Vex, at some point you must admit to This Unit what is concerning you.” Velvet sighed- though lacking lungs and a diaphragm, this was expressed by saying the word “sigh” very softly. “This Unit can assure you, Unit-Vex, that your concerns are unfounded. This Unit could have performed an emergency override of Unit-Vex’s orders if This Unit had deemed them unfit. However, This-Unit also broadly interpreted Unit-Vex’s permission to execute as a directive to execute. Whatever you feel responsible for, Unit-Vex, This Unit wishes to share in that blame.”
Vex said nothing for a few moments. Then she picked up her quill. “Velvet, I’m going to do some work on improving the efficiency of your nonlethal weapons. Promise me that if I panic again, you will not blindly follow me.”
“This Unit has Unit-Vex to thank for the increased judgment that will make this possible.” Velvet nodded. “In addition, This Unit will note that if not for Unit-Vex, those six would have almost certainly ambushed us before we left the harbor, with their entire crew behind them. Escape would have been improbable.”
“Mmph.” Vex began to sketch Velvet’s net-launcher on a fresh sheet of paper. “Even so…”
She didn’t bother to finish the sentence, instead letting the implications tumble through her mind, unsaid. Even so, someday she would have to answer to those six. Even so, nothing about what she did would bring them back. Even so, it was her unthinking orders that had spurred Velvet to use deadly force. Even so, there was nothing she could do to avoid responsibility.
And despite every single ‘even so’, she knew who she was now. She was Vex the Artificer.
She could never repair the damage she had done. She could, however, do what all good artificers did: examine her failure and use it to build anew.
“Velvet, would you mind leaving me alone for a moment? I’m going to do some sketching.”
“Do you promise to show This Unit the results afterward, Unit-Vex?”
Vex hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Of course.”
“Acknowledged.” Velvet smiled and exited.
Vex took her seat. Now to get some work done-
There was a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” Vex called, not looking up from her sketch. The net had been an excellent concept all on its own, and would be an efficient way to deal with large groups without resorting to Velvet’s more lethal weaponry. Was it possible to expand that design? Perhaps a lasso of some sort, or a net designed to deal with magic-users. Build it from a magic-repellant material, or- no, that might not be flexible enough. A magic-proofed coating, allowing it to resist attempts to throw it off? More promising. The alchemists in Tradewinds seemed to have been close to developing such a substance, and Vex was sure she had copies of someone’s notes from her time skulking through the library. Perhaps it was just a matter of modifying them. She could convince Spyglass to allow her to purchase the equipment she needed the next time they were in port. Perhaps the net would-
That knock again.
Vex continued sketching. “I am incredibly busy. Please state your business or go away,” she called over her shoulder.
“And now is that any way to greet your favorite cousin?” a muffled voice called back from the other side of the door.
Vex’s quill dropped to the paper. She stared straight ahead, dumbfounded. “...Smooth?” she ventured, her voice trembling.
It was impossible. Today was too momentous already. She had fallen asleep and this was an incredibly lifelike dream. She was hallucinating. When she walked to the door and opened it, there was no way under the Sun that she would see a pony she had long ago given up reasonable hope of reuniting with. Hesitantly, Vex stretched her body out and managed to pull the door handle down. It swung open.
“And there you are, Vexy.” Smooth’s eyes glinted and she smiled. “I see you finally managed to steal yourself one of these things, you dirty little rat.”
Vex choked slightly. “...I have already cried twice today and both times were unpleasant. Get in here and hug me before I make it three.”
Smooth leaped forward, tackling Vex into a bone-crushing hug, which she reciprocated as best as she was able. Jam and Velvet hung back, smiling.
The two separated, laughing. Smooth frowned. “What’s with the mane-cut there? Tryin’ for the brooding genius look?”
Vex bit her lip and swept back her mane, revealing her missing eye. “It’s a more practical choice I’m afraid.”
“Moon’s taint!” Smooth cursed, looking at it. “Who did it to ya? Where? How many goons do I need to hire? I’m gonna take their measurements, build ‘em custom coffins, bury them alive in the coffins, and then for good measure I’m gonna cremate them instead!” She pulled Vex close again.
“I did it. To myself.” Vex shook her head. “Alchemical experiment gone wrong. I’ve been more careful since. What about you? I don’t remember you having a cutie mark last time we had the pleasure of speaking.”
Smooth stepped away, her face lighting up as she proudly displayed her mark - while from a distance it looked like the sun with rays of light shooting forth, closer inspection would reveal that the center point was actually a golden coin. “Well, d’you remember the big scam game we pulled with that one nouveau riche who married into House Blueblood- no, you wouldn’t, that one was me and Sturdy Shield from the Guard. We did this whole thing where we convinced him it was a good idea to pour half his savings into the currency exchange in advance of the value of Zebrican silver rising, but then the price actually fell, but the thing is we got his money, only I lost half of it in Los Pegasus and spent the other half trying to hire up a new-” she cut herself off. “Anyway, turns out I’m good at making money. Who knew?”
“Clearly not retaining it, if you’re also here,” Vex teased. “But I’m glad you are.”
Jam stepped in, clearing his throat. “You two are cousins?”
“And partners in crime, and we once posed as foreign dignitaries,” Smooth contributed, pursing her lips. “I never understood how that one went south. D’you think it was before or after the octopus didn’t arrive on time?”
“I believe it was the point at which a translation error resulted in the delivery of several hundred live bees instead of a honeycomb to the royal palace,” Vex replied, shaking her head.
“Anyway, that’s why the two of us ain’t welcome in Canterlot anymore. And why I’m a mare now.”
Jam looked from Vex to Smooth, then buried his face in his hoof. “You two are messing with us, aren’t you?”
“Actually, most of that was true,” Vex replied. “Though in fairness, there were at most fifty live bees and they would not have been a problem if Lady Periwinkle hadn’t turned out to be allergic.”
“Moral of the story: always do your research before you attempt to steal the crown jewels.” Smooth nodded decisively.
Jam shook his head. “Vex, if I hadn’t already seen you in action I’d have said it was impossible for a nine year old to get so wrapped up in as many events as you’ve played a hoof in.”
“Not impossible. Highly improbable,” Vex corrected. Then, abruptly, her good mood seemed to evaporate. “That reminds me of something. Jam, I apologize that Velvet and I were not present. We ran into… difficulties.”
“Difficulties.” Smooth shook her head. “Yeesh. I take my eye off you for five seconds and you lose your eye and stain your coat grey, kiddo. What are we going to do with you?”
Vex froze. “Smooth, my coat has always been grey. Hasn’t it?”
“Pretty sure it was white back in Canterlot,” Smooth replied, brushing through Vex’s coat with a hoof. “Ain’t engine dirt, either. This is- well, would you look at that? Vex, you little somethin’-or-other, you didn’t tell me you had a cutie mark now! Get over here, more hugs!”
Vex’s train of thought was intercepted before it could leave the station as she was enveloped in yet another crushing hug. Jam coughed. “Not to interrupt you two in the middle of a touching family reunion, but it seems as if we all have catching up to do. Perhaps it would be a good idea to make some tea and discuss things over it?”
Vex cast an eye towards her desk, and the sketches on it, then back to Smooth, Jam, and Velvet.
For now her work could wait. “Tea sounds lovely, Jam. I think I still have some of that Shetland blend you and I enjoyed last time.”
“So while I was trying to build up a reputation as the best con mare in Trottingham without anypony actually knowing about that reputation, you got yourself installed as the captain of a battleship in a sky pirate fleet and also you’ve got a pet robot now?” Smooth chuckled and took a sip of her tea, carefully balancing the cup between two surprisingly dexterous forehooves. “Celestia’s Wings, Vexy. You sure know how to find excitement.”
“This Unit clearly resists the implication that she is anypony’s ‘pet robot’,” Velvet intoned, glaring at Smooth. “This Unit is a fully capable automaton with a range of available emotional stimulus replicators and fully-operational logic circuits.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. No idea what half those are,” Smooth set her cup down and waved one of her hooves dismissively. “You want the one who understands fancy engine physics, that’s your mare Vex. Now if you want to sell someone an arcane engine or pet robot, I can get that done.”
“This Unit is not for sale-”
Jam coughed quickly, interceding. “Vex, you were about to mention why you never met up with Eye Lash and I in Trottingham?”
Vex took a sip of her own tea. Jam had helped her brew this pot, and his practiced skill showed- the flavors were far smoother than when she had attempted it several nights ago. She set the cup down carefully, still wary of how weak her magical aura was in comparison to Jam and Velvet’s. “We ran into… difficulties,” Vex admitted. “There were several ponies in the market who appeared to be from the same fleet that the Complete Vexation was a part of.”
Jam’s expression hardened. “Are you certain, Vex? This ship alone represents the culmination of Equestrian technology if half of what you’ve mentioned to me about it is true. Even if it was the flagship and the remainder of this fleet was made up of more conventional airships, it seems unlikely that such a fleet could even be funded. I can’t even think of which noble house would have the bits to undertake such an endeavor without going bankrupt at the end of it.”
“Perhaps somepony did.” Vex closed her eyes. This was the part she hadn’t wanted to talk about. Trying to dance around the subject would only make things more confusing. Best to just say it all at once.
“This Unit regrets to inform Unit-Jam that all possible sources of information were terminated due to risks they posed.” Velvet bowed her head slightly.
Before Vex could even process what had happened, Jam sighed. “I suppose I should have expected that, given the amount of time you spend with Eye.”
Vex felt an intense wave of relief wash through her. She wasn’t sure she was ready to have that conversation with Jam. She wasn’t sure if she ever would be. And now she owed Velvet the truth even moreso than before. “It’s not entirely true that every source was terminated,” she admitted. “None of those ponies are alive, but I did see that the insignia they were wearing matched Velvet’s cutie mark. And they specifically mentioned an ‘Admiral Cerise’.”
Jam froze mid-sip. “What?”
“They also mentioned something about a ‘mechanical impostor’. I believe whatever artificer created Velvet originally intended her to be a decoy or replacement for this Admiral. And now she’s on the hunt for her lost property.” Vex finished her own tea, allowing the heavy tannin aftertaste to linger on her tongue. “We should inform Captain Spyglass of this.”
“This is impossible, Unit-Vex.” Velvet raised her head, her expression as close to panicked as Vex had ever seen it. “This Unit’s directives contain no reference to any other Unit with the designation ‘Cerise’.”
Smooth finished her own tea, shrugging. “I got no idea what’s going on here, but I’ll bite. Assumin’ ‘directive’ is just a fancy word for what you’re supposed to do, what’s your main purpose, metal mare?”
Velvet rattled for a moment. “This Unit’s primary directive is ‘Love Eye Lash’.”
Jam actually dropped his cup in surprise, managing to catch both the fragments and the splash of tea as it shattered with his magic and quickly repair it. “What did you just say?”
“This Unit’s primary directive is ‘Love Eye Lash’. This Unit was created for this explicit purpose, and all other directives are subservient.”
Vex felt the entire world upend itself. “This is ludicrous. There is no way Eye Lash could have built you. And no way an Artificer could know Eye Lash. None of this makes any sense, except-”
A loud knock sounded at the door, followed by Spyglass bursting in. “I don’t want to intrude, but Eye Lash is currently attempting to organize an orgy in the Tomcat ’s hold and I could use someone to convince him not to.”
“Huh. I’m watchin’ Equestrian history in the making here,” Smooth muttered. “First time an orgy has ever ruined the mood.”
In spite of herself, Vex burst out laughing.
“I see. So while Jam and Eye Lash were freeing a pair of captives and stumbling on my long-lost cousin, you and Patch tracked down an information broker, fed him the decoded message we recovered from the Vexation , and then received a new one, which we are currently decoding.” Vex stared at the paper in front of her, waves of frustration emanating from her body as she tossed away yet another scrap of paper. “Captain, has it ever occurred to you that we may be flying ourselves into a trap, presuming that this is in fact from the same crew that this ‘Admiral Cerise’ lead?”
“Then I want it decoded even faster,” Spyglass replied, his voice cool. “All the better to know what we’re meant to avoid. Besides, something feels ‘off’ about this whole situation. Even more so than it normally does when Eye Lash is involved.”
The group had relocated to Spyglass’ quarters aboard the Iris , where they sat around a small table. Patch stood near the door, guarding the entrance as best he could. Unfortunately, Eye and Leila had already infiltrated, and as halfway-drunk as the pair seemed to be it was better to allow them to participate relatively quietly than to spend time and energy on forcing them out. Smooth had undertaken the task of keeping them distracted, largely by quietly sharing stories of her previous accomplishments. The three were now engaged in a round-table discussion which occasionally rose high enough in volume to overshadow Vex’s attempts at decoding the encrypted message.
Jam lifted a pen. His own attempts so far had been frustrated. “Captain, Velvet and I have been working on this problem as well and it’s clear where we’re going wrong.” He threw the paper aside. “None of us are trained code breakers. If this cipher is more complex than the previous, you might have just traded our first bit of information for one we can’t use.”
“I am not turning these ships around and returning to Trottingham. We don’t have enough bits to bribe the guards, for one thing.”
“I could shoot them!” Eye sang out, wandering over to the table.
“Mr. Lash, shooting the Trottingham guard would probably be a civil service well-rendered, but it is far more trouble than it is worth. Please do not disturb our code-breakers while they are working,” Spyglass growled.
“Well, they aren’t making any progress one way or the other. Come now, Captain, surely it wouldn’t hurt for me to look ,” Eye crooned, peering over to take a look at the cipher. “Hmm? Oh, isn’t this just a Veracity cipher? Those are just based on a series of Imperator ciphers. All easy things, you just need the right keyword to start.” He waggled his eyebrows. “I suggest ‘dicks’.”
“Ignore him,” Spyglass ordered the decoders.
Jam took a closer look at the cipher. “Actually… he’s right, I think. I’m not sure about the key word, but I do vaguely remember reading about Veracity ciphers at one point. This could be one.”
Vex nodded. “Velvet, could you verify?”
“This Unit sees no evidence to contradict Unit-Eye’s assessment of the cipher. Now attempting to decode.”
“Try ‘eclipse’,” Spyglass suggested.
Velvet whirred for a moment. “Negative.”
“Should’ve known they wouldn’t be that easy,” Spyglass muttered. “Try ‘Trottingham’?”
“Negative.”
“Sun?”
“Negative.”
Spyglass grew increasingly frantic. “Celestia? Moon? Overthrow?”
“Cerise?” Jam suggested.
“Negative. Negative. Negative. Negative. ” Velvet’s entire body had begun to vibrate by this point as she taxed her circuits. “This Unit respectfully requests narrowing the focus of the search to the correct keyword, as this process is somewhat of a burden on This Unit’s computation power.”
Vex groaned. “Of course it will be,” she muttered. Then, in a louder voice. “Velvet. Go ahead and try ‘dicks’.”
Spyglass scoffed. “You can’t be serious. You, of all ponies, cannot believe that the keyword could possibly be-”
“‘Dicks’ appears to be the correct keyword for this cipher. Now decrypting.”
Spyglass coughed. “If any of you need me, I will be under the table,” he managed before falling on his side.
Jam frowned. “Eye, how did you know that was the correct key word?”
“I didn’t! It was a lucky guess,” Eye called back, posing dramatically.
Jam sighed. “...Eye, I’ve been meaning to ask you this for a while now. Why is there a mess of grease all over your flank?”
“Oh, that’s my cutie mark! Isn’t it dramatic?” the stallion struck a pose. “I drew it on myself!”
“You should see the real one underneath it,” Smooth piped up. “It’s somethin’ special.”
Leila doubled over with laughter. “Ah, feck, that’s never going t’be old, innit?” she roared, clapping Eye on the back. “Go on, ye bastard, tell ‘em all the tale of your Cutie Mark!”
“The real one?” Jam asked softly. Were his coat not white, the color draining from his face would’ve been quite obvious.
“Ignore these two scoundrels,” Eye protested, holding up his hooves defensively. “This is definitely my real cutie mark! Absolutely! Positively! There is no way that the real one is entirely unfitting for someone of my stature!”
“S’a pegasus gettin’ shot in his balls,” Leila contributed.
“You can actually see a little bit of the blood if you look very closely.” Smooth grinned, pointing.
Jam began to peer closer. “What in Celestia’s name…”
Eye’s horn began to glow with a bright pink light. “I told all of you! That is not grease! It’s the real mark!” he shouted, before releasing the spell. Everypony held their hooves to their eyes, momentarily blinded.
When the light faded, Jam stared in horror. Where there had once been an admittedly-elaborate mess of grease, there was now a very clear drawing. Whatever had been there before, Eye’s cutie mark was now a crude, child-like painting of Equus consumed in fire and covered by a crown. A gentle prodding (accompanied by a rather awkward response from Eye) revealed that it was as genuine a mark as any other pony’s.
Jam made a small choking noise. “...Did anypony else see what he did?”
Mutely, most of the room nodded. Leila scratched her head. “Aye, he changed his arse tattoo out for a different one with a magic spell. What of it?”
“Do you understand what that means ?” Jam managed. “A Cutie Mark isn’t some tattoo, it is the representation of finding your vocation, your true calling and talent! Changing it at will is tantamount to changing your essence! It requires levels of magical control and potential I can’t even think about!”
Before Leila could offer a response, the entire ship shuddered, sending everypony in the hold off balance. A voice from the deck called down. “Captain! We’re under attack!”
Vex froze. “It can’t be…”
A booming voice echoed through the air. “By the order of Admiral Cerise, surrender the Mechanical Impostor and the Commander now, or face death! ”
