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Into the Muffin of Madness
Prologue: Loneliness and muffins are a dangerous mix
Author's Note
Before I start this story, I'm going to put two things out there. One, I'm a huge fan of horror, Thriller and scary genera You will not meet anyone like me when come to the knowledge of the weird. This has a draw back when I became apart of this fandom. A lot of people like the stories like Cherilee's Garden, Rainbow Factory, and Pages of Harmony. Now I'm not going to jump on a soap box and claim these story are horrible, far from it. I enjoy them like I enjoy movies like Red Dawn or any Nightmare on Elm Street movie. (Except the remake, that can go to hell.) They are not perfect but they are beyond entertaining. But something happen when I decided to read Cherilee's Garden recently.
I realize that most of these Grim Dark stories are just retelling of famous stories with ponies plug in. Pages of Harmony and Cherilee's Garden are heavily influence by SAW and Rainbow Factory is really just Soylent Green with Scooterloo as Charlton Heston. Is this a bad thing? No, it just show how we easily adapt these characters are into other stories. But for me, it make the stories easily predictable and the gore not at all disturbing. (I eat Stephen King for Breakfast and crap out Love Craft. I possible need help.) So after I read the first chapter and saw how easily Cherilee got away with it. (Seriously? Is there no such thing as a arson investigator? Two of the pony were melted by ACID!) I decided to write a parody of all the Grim Darks.
The second thing I want to point out is the reason I choose Derpy/Muffins as the one to be trying to kill. It comes down that i can not find a story of her in a Grim Dark. I shall correct this wrong, kind of. So with out anymore delay, I give you Into the Muffin of Madness.
Prologue: Loneliness and muffins are a dangerous mix
The day started like any other day in Ponyville. The sun was shining and birds were singing their happy little song. Almost every pony was either enjoying the beautiful summer day or having fun with each other. Almost every pony, for there was one lock in her house and falling in to a deep depression. Muffin aka Derpy Hooves was looking at a letter from a bank that was station in Canterlot.
“Dear Miss. Hooves, This letter is to inform you that the Bank of Canterlot is rejecting your request for a loan. The reason for this is due the failed business of Derpy Moving Services and Derpy Printing Press. Due to both of them having a combine debt of 20,000 bits and the payment is five week past due, we regret to inform you that we have to foreclose on Muffin’s Baking and Cooking. We ask that the premise be vacated in the next one to two business weeks. Thank you and have a great day.
With Regards
Bank Management Coin Point”
She look at the letter for a few more minutes than swipe it off the table in angry. She feel rage build in her and with a shout of angry, slam on her small kitchen table with such a great force that a hole was punch right through.
“It not fair!” She shouted, getting up and started to pace. “I work hard and provide a service that every pony needs. What do I get in return? So what if those other two businesses failed. I would have them pay off in a year if they just let me open a shop in Canterlot. But who get approve instead of me. Rarity’s Carousel Boutique. For Celestia’s Sake, most of us don’t wear clothes. I bet if I was one of the “Elements Bearers” I get to get what I want.” She slump down next to her book case and pick up from one of her muffins. It was a berry flavor and one of her favorite one but right now, it taste of ash.
“All six of them get to do what they want and run the rest of us out of business. Pinkie Pie working at Sugar Cube’s Corner has double there profit and kill my business. At least mine’s don’t cause diabetes!” She shouted and threw the half-eaten muffin at the wall. It broke apart and blasted into a million pieces. “Why? Am I curse like my mother said or is this why daddy left us? Because I’m a constant screw up.” With that, she broke down and just wept a while. She laid her head back and bump into the bookcase.
The case rattle for a bit and one of the book drop down right in front of Derpy. She look to see it was a book she bought a while ago. The title, The Most Heinous Crimes of Equestria by R.L. King. She pick it up and open it to a chapter called Murder and how they got away with it. She started to read in great interest.
"It is said that murder is rare in our fair world but it does happen. The famous one was a mask pony by the name of The Puzzler. This pony was identify by a plane white pony mask wearing a long black robe covering the body, making it impossible to identify anything. The only thing known is the pony had a deep voice. The unknown pony was said to target citizens who committed crimes and put them through horrible trials that usually harm or in some extreme cases of, cause death. The Puzzler was never caught and some theorize that she move to a small town or village and now live out their days as a lowly citizen, waiting to strike again. "
Derpy read and reread the passage as a thought accord in her head. It was these six who cause her so much problems. Rarity with her store, Pinkie Pie with her constant cupcakes, Rainbow Dash always ragging on her and… well, she’ll find something to hate about the other. Derpy got up and started looking around her house. She knew what she need to do and it was going to take some planning. And she needed a test target to see if she can do this right. Like lightning, it dawn on her who to test it on.
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Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter One: School's Out! For a temporarily reason.
Chapter One: School's Out! For a temporarily reason.
Cheerilee watch as the students filed out of her classroom. Lessons were done for the day and she had to clean up the room. As much as she love teaching all the little fillies in Ponyville, it was tiring. After she finish cleaning the classroom, she was going home and spending about an hour tending her garden. Then she was going to grab some wine and read one of her favorite stories.
She was picking up some brushes when she heard the front door of the school room open. She look over to see the entrance was empty, with the door swinging slightly.
“Huh, must have been the wind or something.” Cheerilee said, walking over to the door and starting to close it when she heard the wooden floorboards creak behind her. She turn around just to see a baseball bat swing right into her face. With a sickening crack, Cheerilee fell to the floor and black out.
Cheerilee awoke to the sound of something dripping right beside her head. She open her eyes to see she was strap to some kind of chair with several chains wrap around her legs and a lock dangling right in front of her. She struggle against her chains but only found a little slack in them. She look to see she was in some kind of basement that was dimly lit, with random object lining the walls. The items range from sling shots, dominoes, books, and bowling balls. She heard the dripping noise again, and look up to see a large cauldron with something steaming out of it.
She would continue to look at it when she heard a new noise coming from the other side of the room. It was the squeaking wheel in a despite need of oil and a few second she saw what was causing it. Wheeling up from the darkness, was a puppet shape like a pony riding a tricycle. The puppet was dress in a black robe and had a white mask. It mouth started to open and a voice ring out.
“Hello Cheerilee.” It respond, it voice deep and disturbing. “I like to make some entertainment. You spend your whole life testing fillies and now, you are about to take a test that will determent if you get to…” This would continue if the puppet mouth didn’t fall off and the voice went distorted. Cheerilee look around as it continue to garble and make weird noise. Finally, Cheerilee decided to speak out about the deface puppet.
“Hello!?!” She called out. “I think the puppet is broken.” She heard a stumbling of some pony above, then she heard a heavy door open and close follow by footsteps coming down a serials of stairs. She saw a pony enter from behind the puppet from a door that blended in the darkness. The pony was dress exactly like the puppet but didn’t have a mouth piece. The strange pony had its back to Cheerilee and was messing with the puppet.
“Come on, you stupid piece of fertilizer.” The strange pony mutter, in the same voice as the puppet. Cheerilee lean as far as she could to see that it had pick up the mouth piece and was trying to shove it back it place.
“You need help with that?” She asked. The strange pony wave a hoof over its shoulder.
“No, no. I got this.” It said gruffly. With a small click, the mouth piece was put back in place. But instead of a voice, it just made some whining noise. She watch as the strange pony shook the puppet in angry and with an angry growl, smack it with side of its front leg. The puppet had at this point decided to bite down hard on the leg and latch on. With a painful yelp, Cheerilee watch the strange pony started darting back and forth, slamming the puppet against the floor in a poor attempt to get it off. The strange pony finally rip it off and threw across the room.
“Alright, let’s try this again.” The strange pony said. “I’m the fame killer known as the Puzzler and I’m going putting you through a trial. If you want to survive the giant cauldron of boiling water, you must find the key.” The Puzzler walk over to be front of Cheerilee. ‘But in order to find the key, you must look deep within your…” He was cut off by a loud snap and he jolted in shock. Cheerilee look to see that the puppet he threw earlier had landed a little closer to where he was standing. The mouth piece kept opening and closing, acting like a way to crawl.
It had once again mange to snap onto the Puzzler again, this time on his back leg. He once again went back to running back and forth as he tried to rid himself off the wayward puppet. Cheerilee watch in complete shock as he fight against the object, swearing and screaming in pain. He finally rip off it and smash it against the floor until it lie in broken pile. Breathing heavily, the Puzzler turn around to face Cheerilee, who was now looking a little confuse.
“As I was saying.” The Puzzler said, taking deep breath in-between words in an effort to keep what little dignity he had left. “You must look deep in yourself to find the key…”
“You made me swallow the key, didn’t you?” Cheerilee said in a matter of fact kind of way.
“What? How did you… I mean, no.” He answered.
“That is the easy riddle I ever heard.” Cheerilee said, starting to get annoyed. “How am I supposed to get it out if I’m chain up like this?” She struggle against the chains again to prove her point.
“If you let me finish.” Puzzler growled. “You can get out of every chain but the ones wrapping you around to the chair. But as soon as you escape those chains, you will activate the trap.” He pointed to the ground and Cheerilee look to see a set of dominoes leading to the wall. She look up the wall to see it lead to a mouse trap. “Once it hit that mouse trap, it will cause a chain reaction that will eventually knock over the cauldron. Do you have what it take to survive or will you just become another wash up teacher?”
“That pun was terrible.” Cheerilee pointed out. Puzzler slam a hoof to the ground.
“This is not how this work.” He shouted. “You are supposed to screaming in fear!”
“You kind of lost the whole fear angle after you got into a fight with your puppet.” Cheerilee said, pointing to the remaining pile of the puppet.
“Well, I still have you in a trap.” He pointed out. “Let see how brave you are when the water boils your fur right off!”
“Speaking about this trap.” Cheerilee said, ignoring the Puzzler anger tone. “Don’t you think this is a little too complicated? I mean, what if something goes wrong?”
“Nothing will go wrong!” Puzzler shouted. “I plan this perfectly. Now are you going to try to escape or am I going to have to start it on my own?” Cheerilee sighed and started to remove the chains on her front legs. Just like the Puzzler said, the dominoes started to fall and hit the mouse trap. It fired a marble in the air and hit one of the bowling ball on the wall, causing it to start rolling to some books that were stack just like dominoes. But unlike the dominoes before, as soon as the bowling ball hit the book, the book fell sideways and off the shelf. Cheerilee and the Puzzler look at where the book fell.
“Not going to say I told you so.” Cheerilee said. “But…”
After the fifth attempt, the chain reaction was finally reaching the cauldron. Cheerilee wasn’t even trying to escape at this point, she just look up as she watch the cauldron starting to tip over.
“Yes!” Puzzler shouted as the water fall. “Feel the burn of your failure.” With an insane laughter bellowing out, the water splash down on Cheerilee with a thunderous splash. He kept on laughing until he notice that something was missing. The screams of pain from Cheerilee. He look to see that Cheerilee was now soak to the bone and looking annoyed.
“Why are you not screaming in pain and writhing in agony?” He asked, walking over to the now dripping pony.
“By chance, did you have anything to, oh I don’t know, keep the water hot?” Cheerilee asked, spitting out some water that drip into her mouth. The Puzzler put a hoof in the puddle of the water to only feel it to be lukewarm at best.
“Well, okay. The water didn’t work but I still have you chain to the chair. I’ll just boil some more water. I’ll be right back.” He ran out the door and Cheerilee just sighed. Letting the water soak in some more and then, due to the wet fur, was able to slip out of the remaining chains. She got out of the chair and shook her fur dry. She turn to the door to see that the Puzzler was walking back inside.
“I forgot to grab the…” The Puzzler stop short and two stare for a second at each other. “How did you get out!?!” He shouted and charge at her. At that moment, the cauldron roll off the platform it was on and landed right on The Puzzler’s head, almost like a helmet. With his view blinded, all Cheerilee had to do was step to the side. The Puzzler slip on the puddle of water and went sliding into the back wall with a thunderous crash. The wall shook and several of the items that was used for trap fell right on top of the cauldron and in turn hitting him. With a series of gong like sounds, a bowling ball and several books landed in session.
Cheerilee look at the fallen Puzzler and then decided to just walk away. She had enough of this insanity and when she gets home, she going to drink some much wine that she hope not remembering passing the key.
Muffin’s diary. First entry.
Well, to say the test didn’t go as I plan would be an understatement. Not only did Cheerilee escape unharmed, (with maybe a little stomach problem.) but I receive a couple of bite wounds, a gash on my head form where the cauldron fell and a couple of bumps. I also crack the puzzler’s mask but that the least of my worries.
I had to move everything quickly or I might have been caught. Although the cops around here are not the brightest bunch but I can’t leave anything to chance. But this at least taught me two important lesson. One, no more dolls. They’re creepy and keep breaking down. Two, less complicated. The trap kept breaking down and took too long to dump the water, causing me some embarrassment. But at least no pony will know all the details. The good news is that the voice potion work like a charm.
Author's Note
First attempt didn't go well for a our wayward killer. At least there no way this could get more embarrassing for her, Right?
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Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter Two: Somewhere over the Wood Chipper
“Are you sure you do want me to fly with you?” Twilight ask Rainbow Dash, who had stop by to deliver the weather report of the week. “There is some crazy pony out there.”
“Are you taking about what happen to Cheerilee?” Rainbow said, eating an apple. “I’m keep telling ponies, it just a joke that went wrong. We haven’t had a murder in over fifty years.”
“I know.” Twilight said. “But still…”
“Besides,” Rainbow interrupted, throwing the apple core into a bin. “If Cheerilee is able to get out without so much as a scratch, I think I’ll do just fine.” Rainbow stretch and flap her wings a good couple of times. “Alright, I got to fly. Catch you later, Twilight!” With that, Rainbow Dash flew out the window. Twilight sighed and continue to read a book about sewing.
Rainbow darted and speed across the sky, feeling the wind run through her mane. She was so caught up in her flight that she didn’t notice she flew right out of town. She turn around and was about to fly back when she heard something. A voice coming from a well that was a little ways form the small town.
“Help! Oh, Help!” A voice call out from the well. “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!” Rainbow Dash flew down and look to see nothing but darkness in the well. The voice came out of it again. “Is there a brave pony who can save me?”
“Don’t worry.” Rainbow Dash said, her voice similar to when she save those pony from the falling balcony. “I’ll save you!”
“OH, Thank You!” The voice said. Rainbow Dash squared up her shoulders and dive into the darkness. She descended with enough speed that she could easily stop without fear of crashing. She hit the bottom and her eyes adjusted to at least notice different shapes in the darkness. She look around and saw what look like a small filly huddle in the corner.
“Don’t worry, little pony.” Rainbow Dash said, reaching a hoof over. “I got you.” As soon as she touch the figure, Rainbow heard a small hissing sound and felt some kind of air brush pass her. “Oh, forget this!” She shouted and shout out of the well in a flash. She hover over the well and look down to see a green smoke bellow out of it.
“You can’t touch this!” She shouted in triumphs and started dancing in the air. She would have continue with this but was cut off when a shovel came down on her head. She black out and didn’t see the pony smirking at the fallen pony.
* * *
Rainbow Dash awoke with a pounding headache and dry mouth. She would of rub her head but realize she couldn’t move at her legs or wings. She look down to see that a rope was wrap around her, like in those old cartoon with train track. Speaking of tracks, Rainbow notice she was on some kind of conveyor belt but the room was too dark to see where it lead. Before she could think about the situation any further, a blinding light flooded the room. Rainbow blink a good couple times before her sight return to her. She look to see that the conveyor belt lead to an opening of some kind of machine.
“Good, I was hoping you be awake for this.” A voice rumble from behind. Rainbow look up to see a pony with a crack white mask and dress in military uniform.
“What in Celestia’s name?” Rainbow Dash said.
“Celestia won’t save you now. Not when you’re in the clenches of the Puzzler.” The pony said dramatically.
“Oh, I thought I was in real trouble.” Rainbow said.
“What!?!” The Puzzler shouted.
“Well, I heard about your little game with Cherilee and I don’t think I will have any problem beating your game.” Rainbow said. “So what the test? I going to outfly a spinning blade or do have to sacrifice my wings to escape?”
“So much pride, ay Rainbow?” The Puzzler said. “You think your better then every other pony? Allowing you to mock whoever you want?” The Puzzler walk over to Rainbow Dash and grab her by the mane. “Take away your wings and what do you have?”
“Element of harmony, saving Equestria multiple times, friends with a princess and being undeniable cool.” Rainbow Dash said, not even flinching. The Puzzler step and started to chuckle. He walk over to the machine and flip a switch, causing the machine to roar to life.
“Let see how cool you are after this wood chipper is done with you!” He roar. Rainbow Dash face drop as she saw the spinning blade that await for her eight feet away.
“Wait, this isn’t a test!!!” Rainbow shouted over the machine. The Puzzler walk over to a switch by the conveyor belt.
“I decided you don’t need a test. Now, time to face your doom!!!” he threw the switch and Rainbow Dash felt small lurch as the conveyor belt started to move. The Puzzler let out long and sister laugh. He continue for five minutes until he look down to see Rainbow Dash only move about an inch.
“Did you get the slowest moving conveyor belt ever?” Rainbow Dash asked, starting to get her confidence back.
“They were having a deal!!!” Puzzler shouted. ‘Besides, you still heading towards the blades. It just taking a lot longer for you to get there!”
“Oh yeah, it not like I could do something like this.” Rainbow said and roll to the side, allowing her to gain more distance from the blades.
“Hey, Stop That!” Puzzler shouted.
“Oh no, I’m doing it again.” Rainbow Dash said in false fear. She rolled to the side and look to see the Puzzler pull put a pole out and started jabbing at her.
“I Said To Stop!” Puzzler said, jabbing with each word. He put one more jab into Rainbow Dash and she roll towards the blades. But he put too much force behind it and the slip past her. The pole went right into the machine, causing him to be thrown across the small room and into a wall. With a loud smack, he slid down and watch as the pole got eaten up.
“That was my last pole!” Puzzler shouted as he got back up. Rainbow started to giggle.
“Got anymore bright ideas?” She said, trying not to laugh too hard. Puzzler look over and jump onto the conveyor belt.
“Just one.” He growled and started pushing Rainbow towards the roaring machine. “I don’t know why I didn’t just do this in the first place.” He mutter as he push her closer to the spinning blades. Rainbow Dash struggled, trying to get away from her fate. She felt the wind of the blade coming closer, with her eyes shut and was about to embrace the pain when she heard the machine make a loud snap and whining down noise. She open her eyes and saw the blades coming to a slowing down and finally stopping.
“Oh, come on!” He shouted and ran to the side. After a second or so, he came back holding a small jug. “I’ll be back. Apparently, a full tank mean something different in the Griffin Kingdom. Don’t move.” He turn away and walk out to a door that was behind them, previously unseen due to darkness and the heat of the moment. Rainbow wait for a minutes then, with one mighty jump, she managed to land on her bottom hooves. She started to hop towards the door and she really hope that some pony finds her because this was exhausting.
* * *
“You told me that the tank would be full!” Puzzler shouted at the traveling griffin in front of cart, shaking a hoof. “This is clearly not full!!!”
“I told you if you pay up front in full, I will fill it with fuel.” The red feather griffin said. She pick up a piece of paper. “I don’t except I.O.U.”
“But the sign said, “No Bits Needed.”” Puzzler pointed to a sigh hanging off her cart.
“That a typo.” The griffin said, pulling out a paint brush. She quickly painted something and the Puzzler saw the sign now said, “No; Bits Needed.”
“Alright, give me a second.” The Puzzler said, and reach into a pouch to pull out bits. The griffin look over his shoulder and gruff.
“You ponies and strange ways. How can you just walk around tied up?” The griffin mutter. The Puzzler turn around to see Rainbow Dash hopping down the street.
“Crap!!!” Puzzler shouted, looking around the cart. He saw a dagger and quickly grab it. He threw some bits down and ran after the bouncing away Pegasus. He chase after her with dagger in hoof, shouting loudly. “I told you to stay still at the house! I guess this will do!”
He dive at Rainbow Dash but she trip over a root at that moment. Rainbow fell to the ground as the Puzzler went flying in the air, soaring into a nearby well. With thundering crash, he fell down the well and Rainbow Dash heard a heavy splash.
“Rainbow? What in the world are you doing, Darling?” Rainbow look to see Rarity walking up to her.
“Rarity, you are not going to believe my day.” Rainbow said, with a sigh.
Muffin’s Diary. Second entry.
Okay, I hate wells. There cold, wet and seem to be everywhere. I barely escape without being spotted. But now I learn another valuable lesson. Don’t buy from traveling merchant, buy locally. Now I got to get my bits back and hope that next time won’t be as painful.
Into the Muffin of Madness
DJ Record Scratch: Well, Well, my little ponies. Look like we have a mad pony on the loose. There been another attempt on a pony life and it a dozy. Late last night, some pony knock out our beloved Rainbow Dash and attempt to shove her into a wood chipper. If not for some luck, our Rainbow Dash would be nothing but dust in the wind. In the studio right now is Rainbow Dash to talk about the terrify experience. (Sound of chair turning.) Now Rainbow Dash, are you sure you want to talk about this?
Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter Three: Muffin the science pony.
“Are you sure this going to work?” Fluttershy asked as Twilight drew a chalk line over her the entrance to the cottage.
“Believe me, Fluttershy.” Twilight said a she pour a red potion on the line. “This will keep any pony with bad intention out. You’re the fifth pony I had to do this for today.” Twilight floated her supplies into her pack and looking at the setting sun. “I need to get going. I haven’t done my castle yet.”
“You should stay here tonight.” Fluttershy said quickly. “I won’t know what I do if you got hurt.” Fluttershy eyes started to water but stop when Twilight put a hoof on her shoulder.
“Fluttershy, I’ve fought monsters daily. I think I can handle one pony.” Twilight said. “Besides, I left Spike to make some dinner and he’s making hey burgers.” Twilight put the pack on her back and started the trip home. She was about half way there when she saw a stall place on the side of the road. As she approach it, she saw a lone pony sitting behind it with a bored look in his eyes. He perk up as Twilight got closer and pick up some items.
“Oh boy, Papa needs a new pair of everything.” He said as Twilight was in front of the stall. “I bet you are hungry from traveling for so long.” A growl from Twilight’s stomach answer his question. “Why do you buy my own special brand of mini-muffin.” The pony pull out a tiny muffin and hold it up to Twilight.
“Well, I guess one muffin won’t hurt.” Twilight said and pick up the small muffin. She pop it in her mouth and bit down. Twilight felt a puff of air and was starting to feel dizzy. “What did you put in these?” Was the last thing Twilight started to say before she pass out and hit the ground.
“So much for being the smartest one, eh Twilight?” the pony said, taking off her disguise. “I hope you wake up soon because I don’t want you to miss what I got plan for you.
* * *
Twilight awoke to find herself on some kind of metal table, spread eagle so her leg were bound by heavy metal cuff with strange ruins on them. She look up to see above her were multiple vents, tubes, and pots. She started to struggle when a blinding light turn on from above.
“Don’t bother.” A loud booming voice rumble. “Those are enchanted cuff to prevent teleportation. Can’t have you escaping your fate, now can I?” Twilight look to see a pony wearing a white mask that had two cracks, one going horizontal and then one on the top going vertical. The pony was also wearing what look like a scientist cloak while holding a clip board.
“Let me guess. The Puzzler.” Twilight said. The Puzzler started clapping.
“I see my name is getting around.” He said while checking the cuffs.
“For all the wrong reasons.” Twilight said, straining against the restraints. “Why did you try to hurt my friend? Or a harmless teacher for that matter!?!”
“The teacher was just a test. But as for your friend, she’s only the first.” He said, putting the clip board down on a table that was beside the one Twilight was on. “You and your friends think you’re so special but we are all just chop liver.” Twilight look confused.
“Starlight, is that you?” Twilight asked. The masked pony slam down on the table.
“There are other ponies who can get angry about that, you know.” Puzzler shouted. “Besides, she goes on a rampage through time and all she had to do was apologize to get back in every pony good graces.”
“Not every pony.” Twilight mutter. “I still get letters complain that I should have kill her.”
“In any case, you and your friends have be causing me so much trouble. Now to deal out your punishment.” Puzzler walk over to a large panel that was filled with switches and buttons. “You see, I realize what my problem is. I need to do some testing before your friends can really suffer. So today you are help me find out the best way to inflict pain. We are going to go through the ABC’s of animals attack.”
“Wait, you are going to use animals?” Twilight said, her eyes widening. “Are you insane!?!”
“Yes but that doesn’t matter.” Puzzler said. “Now, let start with A.” She flip a switch and Twilight look above her to see one of the giant vent starting to move. She heard something moving and the vent open up. “Time to feel a hundred bites.” Twilight shut her eyes and awaited for the pain to come. She kept her eyes close for a good minute but all she felt was a bit itchy. She open to see that she was cover by tiny brown ants. The Puzzler was laughing madly and completely ignoring that the ants were doing absolutely nothing to her. Twilight clear her throat and the Puzzler stop and look down.
“Why are you not screaming in pain?” He asked.
“You do realize that these are the most harmless ants, right?” Twilight said, blowing some stray ants that crawl near her nose. “Besides, our fur is too thick for most stingers to get through.”
“You said most stingers.” Puzzler point out, hitting another switch. Twilight look to see a pot starting to tip over. It was filled with some golden liquid and Twilight close her eyes again as it was pour all over her. She realize it was sticky and lick some off her face, realizing it was honey. “This honey is straight from the hive. I hope they don’t mine!” The Puzzler hit a button and Twilight heard an angry buzz as another vent open. She watch a swarm came out and started heading for the two.
What the Puzzler didn’t know was due to the honey being straight from the bees’ hive, they mistake Twilight for being the hive…and that the Puzzler was threating it. With amazing speed, the swarm went straight for him. Before he even knew what was happening, he was under attack from the angry swarm. Twilight watch as he ran back and forth from the swarm.
“They are in my eyes!!!” He shouted, running to a cabinet that was in the back of the room. He pull out a spray can and started spraying it under his mask. This seem to be a mistake because he scream in pain. “What!?! Bee poison is pony poison!?!” He started rubbing under the mask, not allowing Twilight to see his face. He was still spraying around himself until the swarm was gone.
“Sooooo,” Twilight started asking. “Do you really have an animal for every letter?
* * *
“Come on, you’re supposed to be poisonous!!!” Puzzler shouted, poking the platypus as it just lay next to the Twilight. Twilight was just impress by how many type of animals that this Puzzler have. She also found it funny how many times it back fire. From the bees swarm to an octopus latching onto his face. Right now, his cloak was ripped and torn in several place and the mask was cover in all kind of animal fur and bug guts.
“How did you get these animals anyway?” Twilight asked as he continue to poke the platypus.
“For you information, Fluttershy doesn’t have a monopoly on the animals. Look long enough and you can find all the wild animals you need. But they are all worthless!!!” He shouted and gave another hard jab at the animal. It growl and jump right at Puzzler, at which point he let out a yelp of panic as it started attacking him. Twilight sighed, knowing that there still half the alphabet left.
* * *
“Alright, this does it.” Puzzler said, throwing a small rodent to the side.
“That was a mongoose, so shouldn’t you still have to pull out an animal that starts with y?” Twilight pointed out.
“It was a Yellow Belly Mongoose.” Puzzler growled. “Now I ran out of animals. Should we try from the top?”
“You know, watching you fail given me time to think.” Twilight said. “Like for example, did you know that spells only work if you concentrate hard enough? Or that runes only work if you get them bless by a unicorn?” Puzzler stop moving when she said this.
“No. You’re lying!” He shouted. Twilight smiled.
“Let’s find out.” She said and cast a teleport spell, blinking out of sight. Puzzler ran around looking for his target. He heard a chuckle and look up to only see darkness.
“So, what are you going to do!?!” He shouted, grabbing a knife from a table. “You going to turn me in or try convert me as one of your friends?”
“You haven’t hurt any pony yet.” Twilight voice called out form what seem every corner of the room. “But you do need to be taught a lesson. I think this will do.” Several light flash and the Puzzler was confuse until he heard a low growl. He turn to see all the animal that he subdue had regain conscious and were rearing to attack. “You should hurry. They are really angry for being mistreated.”
About five mile away and half hour later, two guards were eating a couple of apples when the ground started to shake.
“What in the world?” One guard asked before he saw a pony in a mask dash right by him. Before he could register what happen, a horde of animals stampede after the pony.
“Hey, wasn’t that the crazy pony that keeps failing at killing ponies being chase by a group of animals?” The other guard said.
“Yeah, but I got a crazier question.” The first guard said, pointing at the ground. “Why is a sloth following the horde?” The two guards look down to see a small sloth slowly crawling on the dirt road. They watch for a few minutes before the other guard raised his hoof in the air.
“Go little buddy!” He shouted. “I believe in you.”
Muffin Diary. Entry three.
I HATE ANIMALS. The way they could hunt for hours, how they move and the fact that they seem to hold a grudge. I manage to lose them after being chase for what felt like hours. I swear, Twilight gave them an energy boast just to annoy me. New lesson, never recruit animals from the wild. Now I must treat some of my wounds and soak in an ice bath.
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Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter Four: Can you paint with all the color of your fur?
“I think you need to calm down, Sugarcube.” Apple Jack said as she and Rarity watch the yellow pegasi dart back and forth across her cottage.
I’m just so nettled.” Fluttershy said as she open a cabinet and pull out a mix of carrots, seaweeds and other odd plants. “How dare that Meany used these poor animals to try to hurt Twilight?” Both Rarity and Apple Jack exchange a look of concern. After Twilight had told them that this mad pony was aiming for the rest of the group, the two fear for Fluttershy safety. Which explain why they were watching here feed and care for the animals that were in the recent event.
“I just don’t want to see you hurt, darling.” Rarity said, sliding a large cat. “But you’re surrounding yourself with all kinds of dangerous animals. I mean, Mr. Bear is nothing compare to mountain lions and… is that a snake?” Rarity back away as a large snake slither out and wrap around Fluttershy front left hoof.
“It just a friendly cobra. Yes, you are.” Fluttershy said, cuddling the large snake as it hiss happily.
“Right.” Apple Jack said, slowly backing out of the cottage. “Rarity, I don’t think we need to stay. Any pony stupid enough to grab her here will be in a world of hurt.” They both left as Fluttershy was tending to a tired platypus. About an hour or so later, Fluttershy was tending to her regular animals when she notice one of her chicken’s chicks was stuck on a small wire.
“Ohh, I got you, little guy.” Fluttershy said, untangling the little bird. As soon as it was free, Fluttershy saw another baby chick a little ways down the path. She went to free the chick to see a hold line of baby chicks down the path. Being one to care for animals, she quickly set out to free the small animals. She manage to get to the end of the path when she heard something rustle in the bushes. Fluttershy look up to see the bush this shaking and shimmering.
“Hello? Is some pony there?” Fluttershy asked, approaching the bush slowly. A small ball rolled out of the bush and stop short of hitting her. She look down at it and was about to pick it up when it exploded in a blinding white light. Fluttershy was thrown back and was blinded when she felt something cover her and lift her into the air. As her eyesight came back, she realize she was in some kind of bag and being carry somewhere.
“Hey! Let me out!” Fluttershy shouted, pushing against the bag’s walls. Whatever was carrying her stop and put her down on a hard surface. She thought she was being let go but the top of the bag only open for a few second as something was thrown inside of the bag. A small hissing noise was made as a she smell something sweet fill up the air. She started to feel dizzy until darkness overtake her.
* * *
“Owww.” Fluttershy moan as she regain consciousness. Her head hurt and her throat was dry but she was guessing that was the least of her worry. She seem to awake in a small room that smell of rotting wood and dirt. She was tied up so a rope hold her in the air with her wings tied to her side. A rope was tied to each leg to have her stretch out but not to the point of pain. She look around to see that there was one window that show she was in the middle of the woods, with the sun slowly sinking in the west.
“Don’t bother screaming.” A voice rumble from the darkness. “We are in the middle of the Ever-free Forest. In a cabin by family used to own.” Fluttershy look over to see a door open in front of her. In walk a pony wearing a mask that was cracked all over and had grim spots all over. The pony was wearing what could only be describe as hunting gear. The pony pull up a chair and sat down on it. “I take it you already know who I am.”
“The Puzzler.” Fluttershy said, her face down casted. “You’re the one who hurt those animals.”
“In all honestly, I think they did more damage to me.” The Puzzler said. “Which is why we’re here today.” He pull out a large knife out of one the pockets and a stone out of another. He scrape the knife against the stone and continue to do so as he talk. “You see, out of all your friends, you cause me no pain or problems. But last night, your friend Twilight humiliated me. So today, I’m going to do something I hadn’t done in a long time.” He brought the knife up in the air and watch it gleam in the afternoon sun.
“What do you know about the fur trade?” He asked, going back to sharpening the knife.
“I know it was ban back when I was a little filly. Celestia stop allowing the fur trade due to growing protest from ponies who thought it was cruel to kill animal for fur. That’s why the wool and silk trade went up.” Fluttershy answered. “What does that have to do with this?”
“You see, my father was a great stallion. He was one of the greatest hunter and fur traders in the world. Could find the rarest animals in a matter of hours. He started to teach me the trade when they pass the law. On my ninth birthday of all days. He lost everything and I got the blame for it. He later left me and mother to fend for ourselves. But he taught me three things before that faithful day. One was how to hunt, the other to track and finally, how to sharpen knives.” He brought the knife close to Fluttershy neck.
“Look, I don’t know why you’re telling me this but if you let me go I promise to help you.” Fluttershy said. The Puzzler slam the knife on the ground and got up.
“I’m telling you this because, so far, I have the track record of zero to three. On the off chance you escape, I figure some pony should hear my story. Not that you got chance.” He pull out the knife and held it to Fluttershy throat. “You see, my father taught me how to skin an animal and I’ve been needing a new coat.”
He raised the knife into the air and was about bring it down when he saw the look of panic in Fluttershy’s eyes. Her eyes were wide and was whimpering slightly. He slowly lower the knife then raise it back in the air.
“One thrust and I finally kill one of you.” He said, dramatically. He brought it down but Fluttershy whimper again, causing him to stop short. “I can’t kill you when you make that face.” Fluttershy sighed in relief and was starting calm down when a bag was place of her head. “There. Can’t use your cuteness if I can’t see your face.” He brought the knife up again. He was about to bring it down when Fluttershy shouted out.
“Please don’t hurt me, I never got say goodbye to my friends!” Fluttershy shirked.
“Like I’m going to let you say goodbye to your friends.” Puzzler said, bring the knife to her throat.
“At least let me say goodbye to Discord!” Fluttershy shouted. The Puzzler stopped and pull the bag off.
“You’re friends with Discord?” The Puzzler asked.
“Yeah, I thought every pony knew this.” Fluttershy said. The two look at each other in complete silent for a little bit. “Sooo, are you going to let me say goodbye or…” Fluttershy was cut off by being knock out by the Puzzler whacking her across the face with his front hoof.
“OH no, oh no.” he mumble as he started untying Fluttershy. Removing the mask, Muffins went into full panic mode.
“I’m so stupid!!!” She shouted as she stuffed Fluttershy back in the bag. “Why didn’t I think about that? Okay, don’t panic. I just got to dispose of all proof that it connected to me.” She look around at the old cabin. “Dad going to be rolling in his grave.” She grab a can of gas and started spreading it. After she spread it around to what she thought was enough, she drag the unconscious Fluttershy out of the cabin. She pull out a match and strike it with a swift motion. She threw it in the cabin and jump back as the place quickly went up in flames.
Muffins Diary Entry four
Okay, I think I made sure that not only all proof of an abduction happening but I also empty about five bottle of apple cider around Fluttershy. By tomorrow morning, she just going to think that she drank too much and had a bad dream. The down side is I kind of set the Ever-Free Forest on fire. Two lesson I learn from this. One, let leave the one who knows a chaos god alone. At least for now. Two, fire is very unpredictable and tends to be hard to deal with. At least the radio report can blame me for this
Into the Muffin of Madness
DJ Record Scratch: Well, my fellow ponies. We have quite a dozy today. It seems like no pony was taken last night but a fire did break out in the Ever-Free Forest last night. It took the fire Pegasus brigade three hours to tame the flame. Now, we do have a returning guest tonight. Mr. Brute Force has come back to give us an update on what now being dub, Mad Pony Crime. (Sound of disapproval) This reporter suggested PonyGate but was laugh out of the press room. (Sound of chair turning) So, do you have any new leads?
Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter Five: The Spa Day from Tartarus
“I’m next! I’m next!” Pinkie Pie shouted as she bounce beside Apple Jack and Rarity.
“Dear, you do know that it’s bad to be caught by this mad pony?” Rarity asked in concern.
“Don’t bother.” Apple Jack said wearily. “She convince it a game. Ya’know, like tag or something like that. I’ve been trying to convince her that this pony ain’t no good but she ain’t listening to reason.” Pinkie bonce away, humming a happy little tune. Rarity look at the town clock and let out a small gasp.
“Oh dear, I have to get going.” Rarity said. “I have to set up the new dresses for delivery.” She turn down a dirt path that cut through a patch of woods. Apple Jack follow right behind Rarity.
“I’ll come with you.” Apple Jack said, picking up her pace to keep up. “I need to pick up some stuff I left at your shop.” The two walk at a decent pace until they were deep in the wooden area. Every once in a while, they look over their shoulder because they couldn’t shake the feeling something was watching.
“We’re being silly.” Rarity said out loud. “There is no reason to think that this mad pony is after…” She was cut off when the ground beneath her suddenly cave in. Both Rarity and Apple Jack went tumbling down into the earth that had suddenly swallow them up. They crash onto the ground with a large thud.
“What the hay?” Apple Jack said, spitting out dust and dirt. “Who in Celestia’s put a hole in the middle of a path?”
“That be me.” A voice rumble from above. The two look up to see a figure standing on the ledge of the hole. It was a pony in a cloak with a white mask that was cracked and dirty.
“Great.” Apple Jack mutter. “There goes my whole day.”
“You know, you can at least be pretend to be scared.” Puzzler said, a little annoyed. “I build this trap and got two for the price of one. Can’t I get a little respect?” Apple Jack and Rarity exchange looks.
“You know there are better ways of getting respect. Why don’t you do a service for Ponyville? Like opening a business.” Rarity suggested. This was clearly the wrong thing to say, as the Puzzler turn away from the hole. They both heard some muttering then a large crash came from above them and then a series of curses from the Puzzler. There was a pause for a second and then Apple Jack broke the silent.
“You fell into your own hole, didn’t you?” Apple Jack shouted out of the hole.
“So what if I did!?!” Was the respond the two heard. “I didn’t know what way you were going. I had to dig so many holes.”
“Yes, but Dear.” Rarity spoke up. “Now you’re stuck too.”
“That what you think!!!” The voice shouted and with the sound of fabric tearing, they saw that the Puzzler was now flying over the hole. “And they say that the unicorns are the master race.”
“Now, wait an apple bucking second.” Apple Jack shouted, pointing a hoof at him. “I’m one the major food providers of all of Equestria and…” Before she could continue ranting, the Puzzler put a hoof into his cloak and pull out two small, glass balls.
“Just shut up!!!” He shouted and threw the balls into the pit. They hit the ground with a small crack and the pit filled with a foggy gas. Rarity and Apple Jack started coughing like crazy until they both pass out. The Puzzler laugh madly for a minute then look at the unconscious bodies. “How am I supposed to get them out of the hole?” He asked himself. The wind whistle by, causing the Puzzler to realize that there are two heavy, unconscious ponies on his hooves.
“Find me in the Crystal Palace!!!” He shouted and the curse echo all through the woods.
“Ow, my head.” Apple Jack moan as she started to wake up. She look to see each leg was held down by a cuff that were welded to a large table. She look to her right to see a sleeping Rarity in the same kind of predicament. She look around to see that she was in a room with metal walls on all sides except for the one in front of the two had a glass window with a curtain drawn shut on the other side.
“Yes, that the perfect pattern. Now, if only we get that on a dress.” Rarity murmur in her sleep.
“Rarity!!!” Apple Jack Shouted and Rarity awoke suddenly. She look around franticly and finally look back at Apple Jack.
“Apple Jack! Where are we?” Rarity asked. The curtain open and the two saw the Puzzler standing behind the glass.
“This will soon be your grave.” The Puzzler growled into a mic. “This time, I will succeed. The room is connected to these pipes.” He pointed to a couple of pipes. “The pipes connect to a water supple that is currently getting super-heated. When it hit the right point, your room will be filled with steam, until the point where you will die of either heat stroke or suffocation.”
“That doesn’t sound scientifically possible.” Apple Jack pointed out.
“How would you know!?!” The Puzzler shouted. “You’re a stupid farmer!”
“I’ll have you know that I graduated top of my science class.” Apple Jack said, puffing her chest up proudly. “A lot of science goes into the farm business.”
“Well, aren’t you breaking all the stereotypes today.” The Puzzler mutter sarcastically. “But it doesn’t matter. In a few minutes, you’ll be taking the steam bath of your lives. Or deaths.” And with a mad crackle, the curtain closed. Apple Jack pull against her cuffs and felt them give a bit. She smiled and look over to Rarity.
“Bet I can break out of these cuffs before you.” She said with a determined look in her eyes. Rarity’s horn lit up and she produce a needle she kept in her hair for sewing emergency.
“You’re on.”
* * *
On the other side of the glass, the Puzzler was turning values and watching a meter slowly rise.
“I should of start sooner. Ah well, it not like they are going anywhere.” The Puzzler mutter to himself. A small tapping noise came from behind him and he turn to see a small bunny standing behind him. “Angel? What do you want?” The bunny made a motion of hit a paw into the other one in a threating motion. “Let me guess, you want to get back at me because of Fluttershy.” The bunny nodded. “Well, I return her safe and sound. Besides, what the worst a little bunny can do?”
Angel snap his tiny claws and a low growl came from behind it. He look up to see a group of animals, the same group that chase him before.
“Oh no! Not again!” The Puzzler shouted and dived for the door to his left. The animal reacted faster and in second they pile onto him. In a fury of claws and teeth, the mob of animals accidently hit one of the pipes, causing steam to spray all over the place. The room was filling up quickly and soon the visibility was gone.
* * *
“I won!” Rarity shouted, as she hop off the table. She walk over to Apple Jack who was off the table but the cuff were still firmly on her legs.
“I got out first, so that means I won.” Apple Jack pointed out, still trying to pry off the cuffs.
“You said, and I quote, “Bet I can break out of these cuff before you.” I broke out of the cuff and you didn’t.” Rarity said as she’s brush off some dirt. Apple Jack rolled her eyes and started heading towards one of the walls. She tapped on the wall and heard a hollow echo. She back up a bit and kick back some dirt. “Besides, I kind of look like a super pony.” With that she shouted, “Wonder pony!” and kick down the wall. It fell with a deafening crash and the two look to see that it lead to the outside world. Apple Jack started to walk out but turn back to see Rarity was staring at the window with a curious look. Apple Jack look over and notice that the curtain was moving back and forth, like something was going on.
“Rarity? Do you think you could move the curtain to see what on the other side?” Apple Jack asked. Rarity fake offence and used a spell to pull open the curtain. The two were greeted of the window being completely fog up.
“I can’t see a thing!” Rarity said. She put her face closer to the glass. “I think I can see…” She was cut off when a pony face smash against the glass, causing Rarity to jump back. She saw that it was The Puzzler, with several animals wrap around him. The bit of the mask had broken off when she hit the glass, showing the bottom half of The Puzzler face.
“Help…Me…” He said in a strangle voice before being pull back by the horde of animals. Rarity and Apple Jack watch as the Puzzler was fighting off several animals.
“Should we help?” Apple Jack asked. The Puzzler grab a ferret that had wrap around her neck and threw it against the window. It hit with a thud and made a screeching noise as it slide down.
“I think we should just leave.” Rarity said. “I don’t think we need to be a part of” she look as several snake start biting down onto the Puzzler. “This.” The two walk out of the small room and headed to what they hope was towards Ponyville.
Diary entry five,
Did I mention that I hate animal? Because I think hate is too weak of a word. I loathe animals now. I was able to get away from them but now I lost any chance of getting Rarity. Apple Jack I don’t care for but Rarity was one of the one who really hurt me. But now, my next target will have to suffer. She going to pay for all the pain she put me through. I’m going to get my revenge .
Author's Note
Sorry it took longer to put this out. Involve in another project and it taking more time then I thought.
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Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter Six: My sweet revenge will be yours, it's in the bakeing.
Chapter Six: My sweet revenge will be yours, it's in the bakeing.
“Soooo, whatcha doing?” Pinkie asked Muffin from the kitchen table. The two were sitting in Muffin’s kitchen. Muffin, who was currently limping towards her oven, open it up and pull out a pan of fresh cupcakes . Ever since Rarity and Apple Jack little misadventure the whole town had to have a “buddy” to make sure that another pony doesn’t fall into the Puzzler hoof. (Not to point out the irony that two got taken but this was the same committee that suggested to NOT interview the animals after they found the culprit…again.) The pairs where drawn out randomly and that how Muffin ended up with Pinkie.
Why she was limping was because she was mauled again by the animals and was taking pain pills. But when life open a door, you should take it. The fact that Pinkie Pie was chosen to be her buddy means she can get her revenge. At the moment, Muffin was making a batch of cupcakes that was filled with sleeping potion.
“Oh, I’m just making some special cupcakes just for you.” Muffin said, sliding a cupcake over to her. “Here, have a bite.”
“Don’t mind if I do.” Pinkie said and threw the whole cupcake into her mouth. Muffin smiled, knowing she just inhaled about ten times the amount needed to knock her out. Pinkie swallow loudly and put a hoof out. “Can I have another one?” Muffin had a look of confusion as she past another cupcake and watch as she wolf it down. Muffin pick up a muffin and sniff it carefully. She could smell the potion.
“How is she not knock out!?!” Muffin thought as she’d watch Pinkie wolf down the rest of them. “Excuse me.” Muffin said and walk out of the kitchen. Pinkie kept on eating and wasn’t really paying attention when Muffin came up from behind and whack her in the back of the head. Pinkie collapse onto the table and started snoring. Muffin was standing over her body with a gnome pony statue.
“Why didn’t I just do that from the beginning?” Muffin asked herself.
* * *
Pinkie woke up feeling dizzy and her head throbbing. She look to see that she was still in Muffin’s kitchen but form what it felt like, she was tied to the table and the sound of boiling water. She lifted her head up and saw the counter full with knives, pots, pans and several jars of spices. She heard a door open and look to see a pony in a beat up cloak with a mess up mask who was also wearing a chef hat.
“Welcome to your doom, Pinkie…” The pony started but was quickly cut off.
“Hey, Muffin!” Pinkie shouted.
“How did you know… I’m mean, I’m not Muffin.” She said quickly, hoping that the voice changing potion didn’t fade off.
“Come on, Muffin. We’re in your kitchen.” Pinkie said. Muffin tore off the mask and threw it across the room.
“Okay, fine. But this is still your doom,” Muffin said. She walk over to the counter and started picking up a knife.
“Ohhh, you were the one playing this game?” Pinkie said in excitement. Muffin stab the knife into the counter.
“What game?” Muffin said in a growl.
“You know, kidnap a pony and fail at doing anything scary.” Pinkie said. The sound of Muffin’s teeth grinding was starting to get very loud.
“What are you talking about?” Muffin growled through her teeth. “It wasn’t a game, I was trying to kill them.”
“Really? Because from what I heard, you got knock out by your own cauldron. Fell down a well. Got attacked by a herd of animals twice. And had to burn down a family cabin.” Pinkie said, listing off what has happen.
“How did you know about the cabin?” Muffin asked.
“I sold you the fire insurance for it five month ago when I was an insurance sales pony. I had to quit because I sold too much insurance to place that will never catch fire.” Pinkie ramble. “So, what do you plan to do to me?” Muffin pull out a long knife and hold it in the air.
“I’m going to make muffins out of your flesh.” Muffin said, flipping the knife in her hoof.
“That is the stupidest idea I ever heard.” Pinkie said, with an oddly straight face
“You sold fire insurance to Twilight!!!” Muffin shouted, slamming the knife down. “She live in a stone castle! Stone doesn’t burn!”
“But I did get her up to code.” Pinkie pointed out. “But the problem with your plan is meat is a horrible way to make sweets. I tried it one and the Apple family never forgave me for the food poisoning.”
“I wasn’t planning on eating it.” Muffin said. “I was going for more of a trophy vibe.”
“Well, then you should make them cupcake. Every pony knows that cupcakes are better.” Pinkie said. Muffin was stunned for a second, then she drop the knife back on the counter and pull out a large mallet.
“Alright, you die now.” Muffin said and raised the mallet above her head.
“Got to catch me first.” Pinkie said and slip out of the ropes that were holding her down. She shot off the table, causing Muffin to slam the mallet down on the table with enough force that it punched a hole right into the table.
“How did you get out of the ropes!?!” Muffin shouted as Pinkie flip through the air and landed on top of the refrigerator in the corner.
“Why do ponies keep questioning how I do things?” Pinkie asked. Muffin let out a huge roar of angry and charged blindly. She didn’t notice that when Pinkie had jump from the table to the fridge, she caused some items on the counter to fall off. One of the items was a rolling pin. So, in Muffin mad dash, she step on it and was shot across the kitchen.
(Meanwhile, in a town that was once Our Town.)
“Finally.” Double Diamond said, as a train pull into their new stop, hauling carts of item the town had order. “With this much fireworks, oil and helium tanks, the celebration of our new gated community will be huge success.” He trot over to see a pony in brown overalls pull out a clip board.
“Alright, we didn’t have any helium so we replace it with hydrogen. I hope that alright.” The delivery pony asked, a pen in his mouth.
“I don’t see any problem with…” Double Diamond started to respond but was cut off by a whistling noise. He look to see a pegasi coming down from the sky with enough speed to be fire ball. “OH Buck me.” Was the last thing Double Diamond said before she made contact.
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Into the Muffin of Madness
Chapter Seven: Mad Pony or how I stop worring and love the Derpy
“Alright, is everypony here?” Twilight asked as she set down at the large dining table. Her friends had gathered for a late dinner. Twilight was originally planning to use this dinner for a small get together that they held every month but due to recent events, it was now a time for planning.
“Honestly, I don’t see a reason we need to talk about this unpleasantness.” Rarity pointed out as she grab a fork to start eating. “I mean, none of us got hurt and I don’t think the pony behind this is going to be trying to grab us any time soon.”
“I think we are doing this because what if this pony decide to go after some pony who can’t defend themselves.” Rainbow Dash pointed out, picking at a meal in front of her. “ Even if this masked pony is a moron, it only a matter of time before they get lucky.” She put a fork into a beet and pop in her mouth.
“Oh, don’t worry girls,” Pinkie said, shoving as much food into her mouth as possible. She was getting a feeling that she needed as much food as possible, didn’t know why. “I mean it not like the masked pony got shot into the air and landed far away from here. And now the masked pony is on a rampage, heading right for us while arming to the teeth with magical items.” The group looks at Pinkie with raised eyebrows.
“Well, that oddly specific.” Apple Jack said.
(About a mile down the road.)
“Go to Ponyville they said.” Snake Oil mutter to himself. “They're all panicky and will buy anything, they said.” He pulls his cart to the side to the road and sighed. “Except for the fact that have literally have a god to protect them. Now where am I going to sell all these amulets?” He leans on the cart and looks up at the sky as it was starting to turn to dusk. He looks over to see a pony limping down the road, looking tired and pretty beat.
“Hey!” Snake quickly open his cart and pull out his wears. “You know it a dangerous road. Maybe you should take some…” He quickly pulls out an amulet. “A protection charm.” The pony, which Snake realize was a pegasus, rolled her eyes and continue walking down the path. Snake was not losing this sale. “Come on, this one practically makes you invincible!” The pegasi stop and slowly turn around.
“How invincible?” She asked, limping over. Snake smiled and pull out the rest of the amulets.
“Well, this one.” He pulled a golden chain one with a small shield. “It will protect you against all magic. This red one allows you to triple your strength. This green one make any weapon you are hold not to break.” Snake smile as the pegasi hold the items. “This is going to be the best sale ever.” He thought.
“Speaking of weapons, you don’t happen to have any?” the pegasi asked. Snake turn back around and pull out a box that was in the back of the cart.
“Now if your worry about Timber wolves or Manticores, this thing will keep them back.” He opens the box and inside were a bunch of sticks. “I call them Knock out stick. It will render any creature unconscious for about five hours.”
“What about ponies?” The pegasi asked. Snake was a little taken back by this but handed one of the stick to her.
“Concern for the safety of other ponies.” He said. “Well, not to worry. The stick will only knock out another pony on the second hit.”
“Good to know.” The pegasi mutter and before Snake could react, she swung the stick hard. It connect with the side of his face and causing him to fall onto the ground. Snake tried to get back up but with another loud crack and his world was engulf in darkness. “Now, time to finish what I started.”
(Outside of Twilight’s castle)
Muffin let out a sigh as she slips through the front door. She didn’t know if she should be angry that no pony was locking the doors or glad. But she did run into another problem. “Those knockout stick would not be good enough to do the job. Muffin thought. “And there wasn’t anything close to a weapon in here…” just as she was thinking this, she saw a red box with a glass front.
IN CASE OF FIRE, BREAK GLASS. Was printed in bold on the glass. Inside was a fire ax, looking recently sharpen. Muffin stare in shock and then a smile crept on her face. “Well, that’s a freebie.” She said as she broke the glass and pick up the ax. “Now that I got a weapon, I should be able to finally get my revenge on…” She swung open the door and saw a long hallway of doors on each side. “Okay this will take longer then expected.”
***
“We been over this.” Twilight said, slightly annoyed. “No of us know what this masked pony looks likes and was most likely using some kind of potion. Dose any other pony have an idea?” Twilight look across her friends and saw them all look like they were all out of ideas.
“As fun as this is, I’m going to stretch my legs.” Apple Jack said, pushing away from the table. “Hey, Twilight. Where your bathroom again?”
“You want to go down the third hallway on your second left at the fourth door.” Twilight said quickly. She look to see that Apple Jack was still looking at her, with a face of bewilderment. “Jeez, you’re just like Spike. It not like this place is a maze.”
“This place is a maze!!!” Muffin shouted. She had maybe chop down five door and all they did was lead to closet or some kind of storage room. With each door she broke down, she was getting more and more angry. She ran over to another door and quickly start chopping it down. When she saw a hole large enough to stick her head to see the other side.
“HERE’S DERPY!!!” She shouted, only to see the room empty. She let out a roar of angry and quickly pick up the ax. She bashed a hole into another door and quickly look inside.
“MUFFIN HOOVES!!!” She shouted again but this time a lone unicorn greeted her.
“Hi, Muffin. I’m Starlight.” The unicorn said.
“How many room are in this castle!?!” Muffin shouted. She look up at Starlight. “Hey, I’m a special delivery pizza pony and I’m looking for Twilight Sparkle. Do you know what room she at?”
“Well, she having a meeting with the rest of element at the dining room. That the last door at the end of hall.” Starlight said, not seeing the ax.
“Thank you.” Muffin said and started running down the hall. Starlight turn around and was continuing practicing her spell when she realize something.
“Wait, she didn’t have a pizza.”
“Look, can you just draw me a map or something?” Apple Jack asked, hoping from hoof to hoof. Twilight was about to just lead her there when a loud crack filled the room. Every pony turn to see an ax breaking through the door. After a few swing, they see Muffin’s head poke while holding a timer.
“I’m Celestia, I’m Luna and I’m also Cadiance. All of this and King Sombra tonight at the Galla in sixty minutes!!!” Muffin shouted. All six pony jump back as Muffin chop down the rest of the door.
“Wait, Muffin!?!” Twilight shouted. “You’re the one behind this? But why?”
“Why? WHY!?!” Muffin started coming closer, holding an ax high above her head. “All I want to do is be important, to have purpose. But every time I get close, one of you six always beat me to it. I tried opening businesses that have purpose but what beats me is fashion shop and sugar filled muffin. Well, NO MORE!” She dive at them. The group spilt and duck under the table while Twilight flew into the air. She shot a spell at Muffin but watch as it bounce off harmlessly.
“Nice try but I did a little shopping. There isn’t a spell you can throw at me.” Muffin shouted and swung at Twilight. Twilight dive to the side and slide under the table as Muffin crashed into a wall.
“Okay, she got something that protect her against spells, so any idea of attack?” Twilight ask as they heard Muffin struggle to pull the ax out of the wall.
“I want to know how she got the ax. No pony sells fire axes unless…” Rainbow Dash started and then turn to Twilight. “You didn’t buy fire insurance, did you?”
“Pinkie said it was important.” Twilight counter. The group groan right before an ax blade burst through the table, allowing Muffin to see them under it. Twilight used a levitating spell and threw the table into the air. Muffin was takin by surprise, allowing the main six to escape into the hallway.
“This castle is made out of stone. It not going to catch on fire!” Rainbow Dash shouted as the turn down a corner.
“More running, less talking!” Apple Jack shouted. But as they almost got to the exit, Muffin slide in front of them, ax raised high.
“There no where you can run.” Muffin said, not even out of breath.
“That it!” Rainbow Dash shouted, jumping into the air. “Magic might not work but how about this!?!” Rainbow dived right at Muffin. Muffin block it and whack Rainbow with the blunt end of the ax like a bat, sending her flying right at the other five. They duck as Rainbow Dash crash right behind them.
“You think I didn’t get something that protects me from physical attacks?” Muffin shouted. “Just face it. There is nothing you can do!!!” A loud crash was made above the group and every pony look up as the ceiling cave in. The large piece of the ceiling landed on top of Muffin before she could react and a bright light descended from the sky. The group look to see Celestia land on top of the rubble.
“Celestia!?! Why are you here?” Twilight asked, still a little shock.
“I’m here because you student send me a letter for help.” Celestia said. “Now what seem to be the…” Before she could finish, a hoof shot out of the rubble and nailed Celestia right in the gut. Celestia’s face contort in pain as she shot into the air and then she drop to the ground right on top of Rainbow Dash. “Right in the Sunspots.” Celestia gasp in pain. The group look to see Muffin crawl out from under the rubble, still holding the ax.
“As I was saying, there is nothing that can…” She was cut off when the wall to her left exploded and cover her again in debris. Luna flew in and look at her sister, who was on the ground.
“SIS!” Luna shouted, clearly shock. “What happen? Who dare strike a royal?”
“It was Muffin.” Celestia moan, still trying not to move. Luna tried to keep a straight face but as soon as she spoke, it was clear she was trying to hold back laughter.
“Muffin?” Luna tried not to laugh, but a snick broke through. “You got taken out by Muffin?”
“She got some kind of spell or something.” Celestia mutter. The rubble rumble and Muffin pop out, face cover in dust and breathing heavily.
“Is there anymore alicorns I should KNOW ABOUT!?!” Muffin shouted. Luna look at this in disbelief.
“This is a joke, right?” Luna said, starting to cast a spell. “You think a small amulet is going to stop my spell?” She fired her spell and it encased Muffin in a large fire ball. “Next time, try bring out you’re A…” She stop, because Muffin emerge, unsinged.
“What? Surprise?” Muffin said, picking up her ax. “Or maybe you should bring you’re A game.” Luna’s eye twitch and with a blast of magic, she summon a large battle ax.
“You really want to fight me? The one who fought Discord and Lord Sombra to defeat? Do you have a death wish?” She said and charge at Muffin. Muffin look a little shock and barely had time to block the first strike. There was a fury of hits as Luna try to land a hit while Muffin quickly block as fast as she could.
“Yes, I have her on the ropes. I can’t believe she was able take out my sister.” Luna thought as she effortlessly swung her ax.
“Celestia here, Luna here, all six of the elements holder are here. This has been one giant mess, just like that changeling incidents. Except now I don’t Lyra here to hide the bodies.” Muffin thought as she dodge a couple more swings. Luna did a large swing, leaving her exposed at the gut. Muffin took the opportunity and brought her back hoof up. She kicked as hard as she could. The hoof made contact and Luna was taken by surprise as the pain rip through her gut. She fell from the air and collapse to the ground.
“She hit me in the gut. Why did she hit me in the gut?” Luna said, moaning in pain.
“Not so funny when it happen to you, ay Luna?” Celestia moan. Rainbow Dash rolled over and was leaning against Celestia.
“Is Luna going to be okay?” Rainbow asked, still daze from being batted across the hall.
“Get your hoof off me!!!” Celestia growled, getting back up, still a little shaken. Muffin started laughing madly as she look down at the group, all of them shaken and some in fear.
“Now, you shall fear the almighty…” Muffin raised the ax over her head when a loud whistle pierce through the air, causing Muffin to drop the ax. They all watch as one of the amulets glow a bright red and project an image of a pony head in the air.
“Thank you for purchasing the trial run of: Protection charm, Magic Warding spell and Triple strength spell. The trial has expired. If you would like to purchase the full version of these charms, simple make payments to: Snake Oil. Thank you and have a wonderful day.” The pony head disappeared and all three amulets broke into dust. Muffin look down in shock and then back at the three alicorns.
“You know, the funny thing about amulets…” Muffin started to say before getting hit by three separate spells. The force of Celestia’s, Luna’s ,and Twilight’s spell hit Muffin with enough force that in shot her through the front door and high into the air.
“We need to follow her.” Twilight said. There was a cracking noise as the final, undamaged wall fell down, leaving the group exposed to the night air. “Let’s prey she doesn’t land somewhere that could cause more trouble.”
“Years of research and planning have led to this glorious moment.” Doctor Hooves said to himself. He was staying up late to make sure that the time spell he was working on would work. It was going to be his crowning achievement and get him to be the first earth pony to make a time spell work. As long as nothing interfere with the spell. He hit a switch and watch as a large portal started to formed. Doctor Hooves smiled gleefully as he watch the portal getting larger and larger. As it reach it peak, he step back to keep from falling in
“Yes, I did it!” He shouted. He ran to his window and open it wide. “You hear that world! I created a time spell!!!” He look up at the night sky and sighed. He notice at that moment something coming right at him, at amazing speed. “Wait, Rainbow Dash should be aslee… OH SHIT!!!” He duck just in time as an unconscious Muffin shot into his house. He watch as she bounce around the room like a rocket and landed right into the portal. There was a flash of blue light and the portal disappeared with Muffin.
“My work…” Doctor Hooves mutter, a bit broken. “Well, at least I still got my notes.” He turn to the wall where all his note and charts were hanging. A large flash suddenly blinded him and he heard a high pitch whine ring in his ears. When his eye sight return, he saw Celestia, Luna, and Twilight standing right where his wall was. Their lips were moving but all he heard was the high pitch noise.
“I said, have you seen Muffin?” Twilight repeat. Doctor Hooves had a hoof to his left ear and was making a weird noise.
“I think he stunned.” Luna pointed out.
“Who blows up a wall!?!” Doctor Hooves shouted. The three turn to see that he had partly recover. “The door is right there!!!” He pointed right beside them to the right.
“Sorry about that but we need to find Muffin.” Twilight quickly paced the room. “Have you seen her?” Doctor Hooves look annoyed at Twilight and walk over to a scorch mark on the ground.
“Yeah, I saw her. As she flew into my time portal!!!” He shouted. Twilight look at the scorch mark and her jaw drop. “Oh sweet Celestia.”
“Hey!!!” Celestia shouted but was ignored. Twilight look at the scorched marks and back at Doctor Hooves.
“Where did this portal go to?” Twilight asked panicky.
“Well, it was only supposed to go five minutes back.” The doctor explain. “But the increase of magic that was in her from being hit by your spell probably send her back an hour or so.”
“About that.” Luna was rubbing the back of her neck. “What if all three of us hit her with a spell?”
“Well, in that case.” Doctor Hooves said as he turn to the door. “I’m going to pray that she doesn’t step on any butterflies.” And with that he walk out of the room. The three alicorns look at each other confused.
“Well, it not like she can do anymore damage.” Celestia said. A loud bam rock the room and Luna look out the window.
“Hey Twilight.” Luna said, pointing outside. “Your castle is on fire.” Twilight ran to the window and her jaw drop.
“How!?!” She shouted. “It’s made completely out of stone!!!”
“Did you perhaps leave your stove on?” Celestia asked, peeking over the two as the castle burn brightly.
“No.” Twilight moan, letting out groan of frustration. “Dose any pony have it worse then me?”
(About a week in the past.)
"Now that I have all of the supplies to make my traps, I shall have my revenge!" Muffin rant to no pony, gathering up items. A large cracking noise caused Muffin to turn around as a bright light filled her house. When her eyesight return, she saw a beaten up version of herself sitting in front of her, dazzed. The beaten up version shook her head and look up.
"Are you from the future?" Muffin asked.
"I guess I am." The wearly one moaned.
"Did we get our revenge?" She asked excitly. The future one smacked her over the head.
"Dose it look like we got our revenge!?!" She shouted. Muffin whimper and backed away a bit.
"So I guess we shouldn't try to take out Twilight and her friends?" She asked. The future Muffin shook her head and turn to a window.
"No, what we need to do is..." She was cut off by another flash of white light and the two look to see a third Muffin. this one wearing what look like a burnt sport mask and a large amount of smoke coming off her.
"That won't work." She said, before coughing out some muck. "It seems that their idea of a camping trip is to do it near a dragons lair."
"Alright, well maybe we should..." another flash interupted them and this time, two masked Muffin appeared, both worst for wear. "This is going to be a long night."
(Back at Twilight's Castle.)
Twilight and the gang were sitting by a fire, doing random things when Rarity look up to the window.
"Twilight, was Celestia planning an early sunrise?" Rarity asked, kind of confused. Twilight look up from a book about fire spells.
"No, Rarity." Twilght answer. "why do you ask... what in the name of Equestria?" Twilight jump from her seat and ran over to the window. The whole group look out to see a giant mob of pony holding torches and pitch forks. The strange thing was, they all look like Muffin dress in diffrent costume.
"We did cover the mirror pond, right?" Twilight asked outloud. The whole group nodded. "Okay, just making sure. So, what do we do?" A large roar from the sky allowed them to see a Muffin riding a large dragon with a sword drawn.
"I kinda of want to fight the dragon." Rainbow Dash said, watching as it bellow out a flame. Twilight sighed.
"Let's get to work."
Into the Muffin of Madness
Pony Radio Interviews
DJ Record Scratch: Welcome all citizens of Ponyville to Pony Five Radio. This is your DJ, Record Scratch. Tonight, we are talking to Miss Cheerilee. An innocent school teacher and beloved by all ponies. OR is she? A recent attempt on her life prove that maybe that not true. We are going to talk to Cheerilee about this freighting event. (Sound of chair turning.) Good evening Miss Cheerilee, how are you today?
Into the Muffin of Madness
DJ Record Scratch: Alright ponies, I heard some crazy things on this job. Including this whole event with this mad pony. But what I’m about to report is something I never thought I have to say. Twilight Sparkle, our beloved princess and protector, was pony napped. Now, don’t panic ponies. She is alive and well, if not a little sticky. Apparently, the attacker try to use animals to hurt Twilight but fail to train any of them. I have Twilight in the studio to talk about the event. (Sound of chair turning.) Okay, let’s get one question out of the way. Why didn’t you captured the pony?