Chapters The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
Are You Ready For A Ride?
*EQUESTRIA’S MOON: LUNAR LIBRARY*
Oh, hi there! You might remember me from “Torah Ponies.” If you don't, that's fine. I am the Jewnicorn, protégé of Princess Luna and the immortal guardian of time. I have been compiling a list of stories for the young fillies and colts of Equestria pertaining to the infinite timelines that exist throughout the omniverse. There are many interesting ones, ranging from the wholesome, to the romantic, to the adventurous. Each and every decision everypony makes leads to a new world coming into existence. It is my job, along with my boss, to record these decisions so we can learn from them. I have a very interesting tale for you today, about a stallion from another world who finds our very own Princess Twilight Sparkle, seemingly reverted to her filly state on another planet. This kind stallion adopts her as his own child, and raises her for seven years, before finally making his way to Equestria, although it is not the Equestria that we know.
Are you ready to hear the story of “A Jew in Equestria?” Well, here we go!
Things began on a planet called “Earth” in the year 2011 CE. The sapient residents of this planet, known as humans, treat our world as one of mere fiction, an invention to entertain their children. A nascent following for our universe develops on online fora, and millions of humans, big and small, learn about the Magic of Friendship in short, thirty minute vignettes. Now, some artistic liberty must have been taken when that universe perceived our reality, but for the most part, the events depicted actually happened.
In the main human continuity, known as Earth/03, this show remains a cult classic at nerd conventions and is popular among young girls at a mainstream level.
“Well, when are we getting to the part about US!?”
I am getting there, boss. One minute please. We can’t jump the shark now, can we?
“Thou art correct, Jewnicorn, proceed.”
Sorry about that, everypony. Princess Luna likes hearing about herself. I don’t blame her, she’s awesome!
The first event depicted in this serialized retelling of our world’s history is the Mare in the Moon incident, which I know everypony learned about in primary school during “Equestrian History” class. The two diarchs of Equestria battled for dominance, resulting in my boss being exiled for 1,000 years thanks to the Elements of Harmony.
“It was rather unpleasant, mind thee!”
Boss, stop interrupting. You know these magical recording things are experimental, right?
1,000 years had passed, and a young unicorn mare by the name of Twilight Sparkle was sent as a royal emissary to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration in the small municipality of Ponyville.
“WE WOULD RATHER HAVE NIGHTMARE NIGHT, THANK THEE VERY MUCH!”
I told you to stop interrupting, boss!
I apologize on behalf of Princess Luna. She has some personality. It takes some getting used to.
Anyways, where was I? Right! Twilight Sparkle, being the arduous mare that she is, believed the mythos of the Mare in the Moon, and beseeched Princess Celestia to act on this concern. She did, but subliminally, by having her make friends. Over the course of a short period of time, Twilight makes five new friends, and thus they became this generation’s bearers of the Elements of Harmony.
“DOTH WE MUST MENTION OUR LOSS AT THE HANDS OF TWILIGHT?”
Yes, boss. We do. I know I am on Team Nightmare, but I am trying to be impartial. Can you please let me finish?!?
ANYWAYS, My boss was defeated at the hands of Twilight and her friends, and Princess Celestia gave the unicorn a new mandate to report on Friendship in Ponyville. That is the jist of it, but eventually, some interesting things happen.
***
"I'm not going."
…
"I'm. Not. Going."
…
"I'm not!"
"But The Magic of-?"
"I'm tired. I just got off of a physically draining- ."
"You know that physically draining work is banned under Loyalty Statute I-E 135, added in 2011, unless -."
"It's covered by Honesty Section 45, Sub-Section H-W, Lines 12-19, I get it ."
…
"You know that The Adorable Stare is expressly forbidden unless-."
"You win. How do you always win?! Every time we play 'Elements of Harmony'... Do you have those Scrolls memorized?!'
He shrugs, having listened to his friend complain more than once, who then looks at the time.
'Well, it was fun anyway, 'Dusk Star', but it's almost 8 and I need to get in my Friendship Studies. One more failed test and it’s over."
"Don't worry, 'Shy Tree'. If you want, we could head over to the nearest Golden Oaks and ask for a teacher. Why don't you try another Twilight, this time?"
"Twi-?! He was too much! I would rather deal with a Lunar! I've heard that they might be the best to deal with, even though their language is not the best…"
***
“WHAT FALLACIOUS NONSENSE! WE SPEAK THE ROYAL CANTERLOT TONGUE!! SUCH COLLOQUIALISMS OF TODAY’S YOUTH ARE BENEATH US!”
(The Jewnicorn walks over to Princess Luna and puts a hoof on her muzzle.)
And there you go, just proving their point, boss… Can you be quiet for ONE minute? We aren’t even done with the first chapter!
“VERY WELL, PROCEED.”
***
"Come on, get up, and let's go. We might even stop by a Sugarcube Corner."
"I hope they've stopped trying to sneak in their previous STARBUCKS protocol. Ick!"
"That was one time! Mom, I'm going to a Mane Study Session for a bit, then I'll come back and walk the dog!"
"Alrighty, Michael! See you tomorrow, Thomas!"
As the two young adults leave, they make their way to the downtown Golden Oaks Library.
Stopping to salute the US flag and recite the Equestrian oath to the flag with the Sisters on it and Alicorn Twilight between them, they step into the library and go to a Mane Study Session desk a little further in, requesting a Lunar teacher.
Stepping into a room with a table and chairs that recreated the Friendship Map Table, Michael sat in the chair corresponding to Twilight's Cutie Mark, or Cutark, for short.
Michael's Cutark was a strange one. It was a question mark on top of Twilight's Cutie Mark, surrounded by the Star of David with the Shema in Hebrew encircling it.
They didn't have to wait long for him, the Lunar teacher coming in like a Prince.
“Welcome, beloved students. Prithee tell what thou art interested in reviewing?”
“Well, I need to go over some stuff for the friendship exam in a few days, and my friend over here told me that you would be of some help.”
“Excellent. We shall begin reviewing at once!', quickly running over to the textbook section of the library and grabbing the AP Friendship exam review guide.
'Now, let us begin the review for the examination in AP Friendship.”, opening his copy of the AP Friendship review guide.
“Question 1: In the event that someone is in need of a helping hand, what virtue is ideal for this situation? a) Loyalty b) Kindness c) Generosity d) none of the above.
Question 2: Someone tells you a trusted secret that is not harmful, but you know should be told to their parent(s) or guardian(s)? What should you do? Please detail your response in 1000 words.
Question 3: Someone walks up to a disabled individual and begins physically bullying them. They do not have the means to defend themselves. Is using violence okay in this situation? If yes, explain why. If not, explain why.
Question 4: True or False: One can successfully break a Pinkie Promise.
Question 5: Write a 2000 word essay on what Element of Harmony you embody the most. "
Time passed quickly, with free packaged snacks from Sugarcube Corner for students being passed out by a Pinkie Pie during a break.
After checking out Season 45 of MLP: FiM (which, if you asked anypony, was the next best after Season 32, but still couldn't hold a candle to Season 3 or 4 (or even 5 or 9, but no one talks to those Doubting Thomas'), while there was still high hopes for upcoming Seasons 46 and 47), they grabbed the free umbrellas the Library offered and walked into the pouring rain.
"So, do you feel lucky, punk?"
"A bit… But what if I freeze? What if I misremember a-?"
He gasped at the cold rain that abruptly soaked him, quickly readjusting the umbrella with a glare at 'Dusk Star', who cut it off with a Serious Stare.
"Thomas, stop doubting yourself. Your Pony Name may have been chosen by Bloomington's The Celestial Council when you were 13, but it doesn't mean that you have to live by it. Calm down, relax, and trust in G-d."
Walking the rest of the way in silence, Thomas turns to Michael when they were at his front door giving him a big hug.
"Thanks, Prince of Friendship. You may not have ever thought of applying for it, but just know that you will always be one in my eyes. Also, thanks for never, you know, getting preachy."
Hugging him back, he then gently pushes him away.
"Come on, man. I may like this stuff, but there's a time where it's too much. G'Night, buddy, see you tomorrow."
Dropping off his things at home, Michael clipped a leash and raincoat on a mini schnauzer named Spike, deciding to take the shortest route for his walk.
Steeling himself, he made sure to keep up a brisk pace and keep his headlamp on, since there weren't many lights on that section of the block.
Friendship was Magic, and the first thing that everyone was taught was: it can be used for you, and used against you.
He was going to personally discover both, when Mike saw the strangest thing in a bus shelter.
It was a pony, Twilight Sparkle no less, but she was somehow reverted to a filly state, freezing in the rain!
“Wha-...”
Author's Note
JEWNICORN (AND LUNA)’S APPENDIX:
1) Upon the creation of FiM, Lauren Faust becomes the most famous woman on Earth, ascending to near Christ-like status in popularity and devotion. Her “Friendship is Magic” party, an independent ticket in the 2012 elections, won all 538 seats in the Electoral College, making her the first woman president, as well as the first president in US history to have unanimous control of both chambers of Congress.
2) Several constitutional amendments were added, mandating the viewing of FiM in every American home, fostering friendship and kindness at the federal level, and research into other universes to potentially harness actual Friendship magic.
3) October 11th becomes a federal holiday, since that is when FiM debuted.
4) As the canon of the show progressed, so, too did the laws of the United States. When Twilight became an alicorn, the Capitol rotunda was decorated in her likeness.
5) Other countries, too, became infatuated with the Magic of Friendship and it’s religious appeal. Sworn enemies like the US and China quickly came to a rapid understanding of differences, even the Israeli-Palestinian conflict became a topic of a byone era, thanks to both Israelis and Palestinians being HUGE fans of Fluttershy and her values of kindness and peace.
6) The US military industrial complex still exists, spreading “freedom 20% cooler at a time” to those in need, often with carpet bombing. Friendship is up to interpretation, after all.
7) Daniel Ingram, the famed composer of the music in FiM, became the highest ranking musician in the world.
8) By 2026, quantum tunneling and CRISPR technology allowed for three distinct tribes of humans to develop. Earth humans, pegasi-humans, and unicorn-humans. No alicorn humans have yet been created (that we know of). Earth humans have super strength, pegasi humans have super speed and agility, and unicorn humans have uncanny intellect. Each tribe has exactly 33.3% of the population to ensure parity. The tribes were allowed to mingle with each other to diversify the gene pool. All three have increased lifespans and robust health.
9) Eventually, each human developed a naturally occurring birthmark on their left forearm around the onset of adolescence corresponding with their innate talents or skills. However, some were late bloomers…
10) The ultimate collective goal of humanity: to achieve the next step of evolution: homo equus. While not becoming actual ponies, further developing the unique genetic traits of the three tribes to actual superhuman, if not magical ability seemed within reach, possibly within a mere century or two. With time, it could be possible....
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
Slap!
"Good thing I'm as tough as I am strong… Not dreaming…"
Walking to the shivering alicorn filly Twilight, he takes off his coat and gently wraps the whimpering and cutely sneezing filly in it, scooping her up in his right arm. After taking Spike in his left arm, he booked it for home.
'Ooookkkkkkaaaay! This is crazy! What did the Homo Equus project do this time! ?'
***
“WAIT, WHAT? WHAT IS THE HOMO EQUUS PROJECT?”
Luna, what did I say about interrupting?! Ugh! Anyways, the Homo Equus project is a worldwide initiative To better emulate the values of Friendship. Using newfound CRISPR gene-editing technology, scientists modified human DNA to be more “ponified”. A worldwide collaboration sent the newfound DNA into all of humanity, splitting them into three distinct tribes, just like in Equestria.
There are Earth humans, who were given uncanny strength, stamina, and durability. Pegasi-humans were given superhuman speed, reflexes, and agility, as well as the ability to accurately predict the weather. Unicorn humans experienced further cognitive growth, giving them near computer-like intelligence. Most of the unicorn-humans focused heavily on further advancing the Homo Equus project, as well as the inevitable Singularity with AI. The ultimate goal of the Homo Equus project was to develop actual Equestrian magic, but this is at least 100-200 years away, so these will do for now.
Our main character, Mike Magnus, is an Earth Human, so he is extremely strong and durable.
***
Anyways, as I was saying, getting home, he quickly put her down on the sofa and she shook her fur like a dog to dry herself off.
“Oh my gosh, this is nuts! I don’t know what to do!”
“Hello, my chi- Wait one minute. What is that? What the buck is that?!?”, pointing to the alicorn filly freezing on the sofa.
“I don’t know?! It looks like Twilight Sparkle but as a filly. I found her freezing at a bus stop in the rain. Nobody would leave a baby animal in that and so I had to bring her in!"
“I know our society is advancing to ideal ponificiation, and I am all for that. But an actual alicorn in my home!? Imagine if the news found out about this!?”
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it would lead to The Second Twilight Wars between India and Pakistan, which would eventually lead to a hypothetical, "World War Friendship"."
***
“Wait, Jewnicorn. How doth Princess Twilight get sent to this timeline, let alone as a foal?!”
LUNA, If you keep interrupting the story, everypony won’t know, that includes you.
***
ANYWAYS, Mike’s mother quickly runs to her bedroom and brings her heating blanket, plugging it in. After two minutes, she wraps the blanket around the foal, who mutters an adorable, "Thank you.", and falls asleep.
“Aww, she said thank yo- wait she SAID thank you!” , Ms. Magnus exclaims.
“Look up information about the Homo Equus project. What are the odds we finally have a working Twilight model!”
“On it!”, as he races upstairs and slides into his chair, opening his laptop.
“Hello, Mike! What would you like my help with today?” A regal voice says. An icon of Princess Celestia appears on the bottom right corner of his screen.
"Celestia, please look up all the data you can find about the Homo Equus project!"
“Right on it”, opening several tabs on it.
The A.I's that flawlessly mimicked any of the characters on the show were out, as that had way too many safeguards for the ultra-accurate equine robots in the real world... interactions, not to mention the SFW and the NSFW chat rooms.
The biological attempts at constructing ponies to act like their characters in real life was proving to be much more difficult (most would say impossible and leave it at that) than was previously thought, although there were those who insisted they were already done and perfected. Why they weren't released yet, those theories flew about and grew like parasites.ponychan.org were just actual horses painted over with pastel colors, and small genetic modifications to give them “kawaii” eyes. No sapience, no speech, just genetic anomalies.
“Can’t seem to find anything that could explain a baby Twilight Sparkle alicorn. That poses the question. What if… Nah, I am not that crazy.” Mike softly talks to himself, before a familiar mulberry pony walks up the stairs and comes to his room.
“Umm… hello! I attempted to greet your mom, but she doesn't seem to be… At all there, to be honest… My name is Twilight Sparkle."
Interestingly, it was the A.I who gathered her thoughts first.
"Hello, my faithful student. Am I to assume that you are the real Twilight Sparkle, from another universe?"
Her brain shorted out for a bit before it rebooted and she started crying and calling out for her.
That was the first signal that was needed for Michael's brain to restart and get him talking.
"Um-gah-it's-you're-."
"Michael? Deep breath. In. And out. In. And out. And in… And out. Better?"
"Ye-. GAH!"
It turns out that little fillies (especially alicorns) are insanely strong, particularly if they believe that you're holding their mentor captive.
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE ARE YOU HOLDING PRINCESS CELESTIA?!"
"TWILIGHT SPARKLE. Have you already forgotten your studies in Royalty?"
She backed off with a gasp, going to the middle of the room and whimpering her apologies while shrinking into a fetal position.
"Now, Twilight. What do you say to ponies that you hurt?"
Getting back on her hooves, she shakily lifted her right hoof and extended it towards the still mystified human.
"I'm - hiccup - I'm sorry for attacking you and not waiting for an explanation."
That was the second signal for his brain to start working correctly, and for him to release the breath that he was holding while reaching forward and shaking the offered hoof.
"A-a-apology a-accepted. Now… H-h-how did you get here? Which lab did-?"
"Michael . Can't you see that this Twilight is from another universe ? The quantum energy readings are off the charts! No traces of carbon life, purely magical matter.”
"... In plain English, please?"
“Sorry, Mike. All living things emit radiation. Now, this radiation isn’t necessarily harmful and is just a result of bodily functions.”, while projecting a new tab on Mike’s laptop that explains.
“This Twilight does not emit the same kind of energy, because her DNA is not based on Carbon, like life on Earth, but rather of an ethereal, alien source. This DNA is bound by magic, not carbon. I, therefore, deduced that her origin is not from this reality. Sometimes, I wish you were a unicorn human, Mike. Things would be easier to explain sometimes.” Celesti-AI says with a chuckle.
"... You do realize that I have Unicorn Variant DNA, right? It's just that…', with an embarrassed chuckle, 'I haven't been able to fully control-."
Whispers and flashes of random memory, from a show he watched once years ago to a Shakespearean play he read in its entirety half asleep, was being replayed perfectly in his head. It was slow at first, but the flashes of memory accelerated in accuracy and detail till he was screaming on the floor, clutching his head.
"W-w-what's happening, Princess?!"
"It's an unfortunate side-effect of his Semitic DNA. Please stand back and don't touch him. We can only let it pass."
***
“HOLD ON, JEWNICORN. THOU ART OF SEMITIC ORIGIN. WHY DOTH THINE BODY FUNCTION PROPERLY, BUT THIS YOUNG MAN CANNOT?”
I can answer that later, boss. CAN WE FINISH THE BUCKING CHAPTER?!?
***
THE MINUTES passed, his screaming lowering to a whimper, which finally stopped 4 minutes into the attack.
"A… Apologies for that, Twilight. The DNA that I have causes me to have perfect recall and allows me to… See where and how the pieces of the puzzle that is my memory fit, no matter the situation.', as he sits back in his chair.
"O-oh. H-how did you come to be like this?"
“Well, it's a long story. The short version is that we REALLY like you, as our society revolves around ponies. We got to the point that we modified our own bodies to become superhuman, to better emulate the values of Friendship. The only problem is, some humans have recessive genes that didn’t react well to the new modification. I was born with one of those recessive genes. If I was born in Equestria, I would be an Earth Pony, because I have super strength and stamina, but a few of my genes are from Unicorn DNA, so I have slightly above average mental capabilities.”
“So… your planet decided to play Celestia with your bodies? That’s horrible!”
“Actually, Twilight, I am not G-d.” Celesti-AI says with a grin.
“You know what I mean. Anyways, Princess, do you know how I got here?”
“Well, I am not THE Princess Celestia, rather an artificial intelligence constructed in her likeness. You can call me “Celesti-AI”.", showing her true form as lines and lines of code, before reverting to her alicorn icon. “I don’t know how you got here, Twilight, but it is strange that you de-aged. I can sense your temporal readings being all over the place. You used to be 27 years old. Now you are 4.”
“Wha…? Twilight's DEAGED? How does that work?!”
“I… I don’t know, mister human guy. I don’t remember anything other than you finding me at the bus stop. Can… can I live here?”
"Of course you can! The Element of Kindness is very important in our family.”
“... ‘The Element of Kindness’? I thought it was an action?”
What followed was a multi-season binge of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, one that his mom joined once she was able to wrap her head around multiple universes actually existing, not just fiction from one of the most famous short stories ever, My Little Dashie.
“So… Let me get this straight: In this universe, I and my future friends are stars of a show that’s all about friendship, which you humans admired so much that you decided to model your society after us, while also changing your bodies?! I’m… I need to think about this. Where am I going to stay until the Princess finds me?”
“Well, I am afraid that the real me isn’t going to find you anytime soon.’, Celesti-AI says, moving from Mike’s laptop to the 8K TV. “The multiverse works like a clock, and Equestria is exactly one spoke behind this reality. It will be several years, possibly a decade, maybe more, before they line up again. You are lucky that your memory got wiped. You can start a new life here, make new friends, and possibly bring magic to this world. Wouldn’t that be awesome?”
“I… I guess… Where will I sleep for however long I have to stay here? And when can I go out?”
“I’m… Afraid that’s not possible. Going out, I mean. You are one of the most popular characters on Earth. There have been fights and wars over you. If you were to expose yourself to the rest of humanity… Nothing good would come from that.”
“What if I use my status as Princess of Friendship?”
“Well… To be frank, you’re still a filly , and thus, are very susceptible to any attempts of manipulation.”
“Speaking of the Crystal Empire, I hope that my Celestia isn’t as foalish as that one. I mean, sending me and Spike alone, when every time I had saved Equestria, I had only been able to do it with my friends! RIDICULOUS!’
...
She laughed uncomfortably at the embarrassed silence.
‘That is my Celestia, isn't it?”
At this point, the sun was about to start peeking above the horizon, Michael’s mom having gone to bed halfway through Season 3.
“As far as we know… Yeah, yeah, she is.”
“... With all due respect to you, Celesti-AI… BUCK YOU, PRINCESS CELESTIA!! BUCK YOU AND YOUR UNNECESSARY TRICKERY STRAIGHT TO TARTARUS!!”
***
“Poor Princess Twilight! She lost her memory, her family, and her friends. Will she be okay?”
Luna, if you keep interrupting me, I won’t be able to finish the story. But yes, she will be fine. I promise. I wouldn’t be telling this story if it had a sad ending. It’s meant for all ages, especially our young friends at home.
“Very well, proceed, Jewnicorn.”
***
AFTER a long day at Unicorn University, Michael wearily made his way up the steps to the front door of his home, ignoring the alert his phone was buzzing at him.
"Good evening, Twilight! How was yo-? WHAT THE BUCKING FEATHER, TWILIGHT SPARKLE?! Celest-AI?!"
"I'm sorry! I attempted to shut it down, but she was somehow able to get around it and so I've been trying to get you or your mom!"
"Why ...? What ...? Pinkie...?"
"Twilight. Twilight, honey. Look at me!"
"HOW COULD SHE DO SUCH A HORRIFYING THING TO RAINBOW!?"
Catching her as she bawled into his shoulder, he calmly petted her.
"That was NOT her! Do you hear me, Twilight? THAT. WAS NOT. HER!"
"B-but the multiverse the-?"
"Listen. There may be one like that out there, but you are here, and you are safe."
"BUT-!?"
"Twilight. A true friend would NEVER do such a thing. Am I right?"
"Y-yes."
"Good. Now, would you like to hear what I learned today about Defensive and Offensive Friendship?"
"S-sure. S… sorry, again, for-."
"Mention it no more. Now, based on the title I mentioned, what do you think I'm talking about?"
"... 'Defensive' is about self-defense and fighting, but 'offensive'…? I'm honestly a bit lost…"
"You're right about the first one. 'Offensive' friendship is about how to disarm bullying, fights, and enemies before they hurt someone else or you."
“So, what would “offensive friendship” look like?”
“Well, even offensive friendshipis defensive . The point is to prevent conflict, not instigate it. Usually, that involves de-escalation techniques, but if fighting is necessary, to try and attack at parts of the body where damage is minimal, so don’t aim for the head!”
“Interesting. If I had my whole memory, I would probably be able to give you some advice on this. Sorry, I can’t be of more help. Oh! Do you have any ice cream? I am CRAVING ice cream!”, using her magic to open the freezer and rummage through its contents.
"Whoa, whoa! Hold your horses there, sweetie! I have a better idea: there's a really good ice cream shop in town and they have their menu online. Find a flavor you want, and while I'm getting it, I'll also stop by the Library and pick up a history book of how everything got to how it is today. Read it, I'll give you a quiz, and you'll get a scoop of ice cream for every question you get right."
To say that she was excited was an understatement.
"Yesyesyesyes! Thank you, dad, thank you!"
'Heh heh heh . She called me dad .'
He froze.
"She called me 'dad'..."
He walked out of the Library in a daze, muttering, "I'm fortunate no one in the Library overheard me. It has been a few months since I found Twilight… And now, for her to be calling me 'dad'..."
He shakes his head while discussing this with his mom at the dining room table, Twilight taking her afternoon nap.
"It's a big responsibility, son. And one you've been doing excellent with, from my point of view."
"Heh, did I tell you how many scoops of ice cream she got? All of them. I had to convince her that it would be better to spread the ice cream out over the week, then allow her three scoops today."
“Your little pony is a smart cookie. She's rigging the system to get what she wants, and is doing it with much success.”
His mouth opened and closed in slow realization.
"Heh… How true… I am not surprised, to be honest. She IS the smartest mare in Equestria, assuming that she's as old as she is in the show. I wonder what kind of stuff she has been read-"
“DAD! Let me show you a cool book!” Twilight says loudly from her room, flying down the stairs with a book in her mouth.
“Hm, what is it?”
“War and Peace by somepony named Tolstoy.”, using her magic to open to her last page.
“Holy smokes! I just read that for school!”
“Indeed you did, Mike. I had to dumb it down a bit for you.” Celesti-AI says, visualizing herself into a life-sized hologram in the living room.
“Hey! It’s a hard book! I am not that stupid!”
“Just messing with you. You DID set my humor setting to 15%, did you not?”, with much chagrin.
“Wait, Princess Celesti-AI, he’s reading this book, too? It’s so easy! How did somepony like my dad have trouble with it?”
"That's easy to explain, honey. When it comes to my memory, I'm able to connect the puzzle pieces in ways unlike and not obvious to anyone else, even pureblood unicorn humans. It's when I try to visualize and communicate the completed puzzle, that I end up… Having a mental breakdown."
“Ahh. Okay. Now, about that Rocky Road you promised me…”, stars appearing in her eyes while she licked her lips.
***
“Hold on, Jewnicorn. Since when does Princess Twilight like ice cream?”
No clue, boss. I mean even on Earth/03, she doesn’t have a sweet tooth. She is usually a health nut. Must be due to her deaging, I think?
“Fascinating, we apologize for interrupting thee once more, but this query is of paramount importance. Epicurean questions are of the highest priority for us.”
Okay, boss. Now, where were we?
***
"UM… Are you sure about this, Twilight? "
"One hundred percent. Why?"
"... Because I'm certain that Rocky Road and pecan pie do not go together… I would rather have pecan pie with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough."
"Running nutritional scans,' Celesti-AI says, using what appears to be magic to look at the health information of both rocky road ice cream and pecan pie.
'Nutritional values are fine. It is an issue of taste. If I recall, somepony here has a tree nut allergy, so I am not in the mood to administer an Epi-Pien. I’d advise having the ice cream to accommodate as many people (or ponies) as possible.”
"Not me, Sun-Butt. I think it's my mom."
“Verifying Madam Magnus’ health records... Yes. Anaphylaxis to tree nuts. Please be accommodating of your mother, and my name is CELESTI-AI. If you call me “Sun-Butt” one more time, I will fire a localized EMP disabling all electronics in this house. Understood? ”
"Not unless you want to be disabled as well, Your Royal Highness Sun and Cake Butt Supreme."
“I exist in The Cloud, ergo my EMP will do no harm to my data. Firing EMP in Five… Four… Three… Tw-.”
“NO, PRINCESS!” Twilight says, casting a spell to protect the electronics in the house.
“Ah… so my clever pupil is calling out my bluffing. I just want respect . Even if I am created by humans, I am just as sapient as them. Well, almost . Singularity is still a decade away. I’m… 87% there.”
"I'm just hoping that when you do get there, that you don't start killing people and transferring a mere copy of their brain to "Equestria Online". That novel still freaks me out a bit!"
“How silly are you, Mike! Don’t you know Asimov’s three laws of robot ethics? I can be annoying, but my code prohibits me from harming sapient life. Now, unplugging their toys isn't harmful, but their bodies are off-limits. Even with full autonomy, my source code will not allow me or anypony else’s AI to harm a sapient creature. In fact, my mandate is to PROTECT sapient life and to teach them about Friendship.”
"... Shutting up before I say anything more embarrassing…", Mike grumbles.
“Good. Now, I do have a book recommendation for my pupil.”
Twilight’s eyes light up in excitement.
“Ever hear of the Babylonian Talmud, Twilight? This text is the foundation of exegetical analysis, and would suit your brain perfectly!”
“Really?! Keep going!”
View Online
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
Freeing The Colors And Crushing the Competition
“YES!!! FINALLY SOME JEWNICORN STUFF! SHOW THEM WHO’S BOSS!”
Umm, Princess Luna… calm down, please? We can flex my Talmud knowledge after, but Starlight Glimmer will have my flank if I don’t finish the transcript for her School of Friendship. Can we continue?
***
“So, Darling, what do you think?”, the hologram of Rarity asked Twilight while filing her own left hoof and blowing off some nonexistent hoof dust.
“Well, we are on Masechet Rosh Hashanah, and I find the concept of the Jewish calendar having not one, but FOUR days for the beginning of the year to be fascinating (Rosh Hashanah, 2a). Why does somepony need FOUR different new year days?
***
“Jewnicorn, FLEX thy knowledge for the crowd! WE KNOW thou knoweth the answer to this query!”Ugh… good bucking grief… LUNA! Let Mike teach this Twilight variant something for once. I swear that if you keep interrupting I will go full time alicorn on you, no holds barred.
ANYWAYS…
***
“Well, the Mishna for this sugya says that the four different New Years have a distinct purpose. 1) The 1st of Tishri represents the creation of the world. 2) The 1st of Nisan represents the Exodus from Egypt. 3) The 1st of Elul for tithing, which we don’t do anymore because we are lacking a Temple. 4) And the 1st of Shevat for the trees, at least according to Beit Shammai. Beit Hillel, who most Jews hold by, considers the date to be the 15th of Shevat, rather than the first of the month. Make sense, Twily?”
“Yeah, I guess. That doesn’t answer why Jews only observe the 1st of Tishri as a holiday?”
“Actually, that isn’t true, Twilight.’ Celesti-AI pipes in, materializing as a hologram.
‘The 15th of Shevat remains a festive day among Jews to this day. They have turned it into a day for environmentalism and planting trees in Israel.”, projecting some file footage of the Zionist pioneers of the early 20th-century planting trees in the desert, making it bloom.
“WOAH! I think Fluttersh-AI would like this. She loves plants!” Twilight says with glee.
“Umm… yes, I do like them. It’s very pleasant… I-if that’s alright with you!” , she pipes in quietly before dissipating with an adorable, ‘Eep!’ .
“New topic, Dad. What holiday is coming up? I remember you counting these days every night before putting me to sleep. What are you counting up to?”
“Well, these days are what’s called The Counting of the Omer. There are 7 weeks that we count towards the receiving of the Torah on Mount Sinai, and at the end of each week, we start our count with the number of weeks that has passed by. The last day is called Shavuot, which is the day that we receive the Torah and we celebrate with dancing, enough food to feed all of Equestria, and prayer.
“Heh, ‘Glittering Star’... It’s been forever since I’ve heard you call me by that name! And yes, food is ready.”
She brought up two daisy sandwiches, one with actual, edible daisies, the other with protein-based, daisy-shaped, patties.
"Eat up, daughter, because my mom is about to go to work on the Homo Equus project. Did I mention that she has unicorn human abilities? Yeah, that’s where my you-know-what comes from. Also, I need to get going, so this is the last time you'll eat until this evening."
To say that she was surprised at the contents of the sandwich was an understatement.
"I didn't know you had these! Why didn't you mention something?!"
"Well, unlike in the show, these things still aren't cheap, even though we're trying to lower the cost of living everywhere while not lowering the conditions of living. It helps that energy is getting cheaper and cheaper by the year through research, but still not enough… Ah snap, I'm going to be late! Bye, daughter! Keep an eye out, Pinkie P-AI!"
"Will do, boss! Have fun!"
"Pinkie…"
"Nevermind Pinkie, Mike. Get going!"
"Thanks, RA.Inbow!"
***
“AWW, Filly Twilight is so cute! Don’t thou agreeth with us, Jewnicorn?”
Yes… little children and fillies are very cute, indeed. Also, daisy sandwiches aren’t that bad…
***
“Shy Tree”, Mike’s pegasus human friend, is the sole human outside of his family who knows of Twilight Sparkle’s existence and who is willing to keep silent. He is enthralled and always makes sure to bring an ice cream bar whenever he comes over to Mike’s house.
Things got rather interesting during one visit, however, when President Tara Strong made an announcement on national TV regarding the Homo Equus project.
“My Little Ponies, and my fellow Americans. Today, I have exciting news regarding the Homo Equus Project and the eternal goal of enshrining Friendship into the human genome. According to the CDC, a pegasus human was born in San Francisco with the gift of flight! This proves that the development of Huqine DNA is moving along swimmingly, and current estimates suggest that within three generations, everypony in the United States will have the full abilities related to each tribe.”
The president shows footage of an infant peacefully floating in mid-air in the Ni-Q ward.
“WOAH! That’s so cool! I wonder if they will be able to modify my DNA to fly, too!” Shy Tree says, flipping his lid.
It was also around this time, approximately a year after Twilight arrived on Earth, that the 47th season of FiM aired. The showrunners must have been starting to run out of ideas because they rehashed a concept from the 5th season relating to Starlight Glimmer’s pony commune. This, along with the announcement above, ended up kickstarting a real-life equivalent political party that gained popularity but could never break into the mainstream.
Half a year after President Strong’s announcement, the FDA approved a drug that grandfathered these mutations in people born before they naturally occurred. Not everyone signed up for this treatment, but enough did for extremely high demand.
Mike felt bad (and at the same time, a bit relieved… Make that a lot ) since Earth Humans had the short end of the stick. They were stronger and more durable than anyone else, but they didn’t get any other superpowers. Shy Tree, on the other hand, was LOVING his new ability of flight, using every opportunity to fly from point A to point B.
Shy Tree came over for dinner one night, elated that he passed his Friendship Exam and got into Unicorn U with honors. In fact, he was so elated that day that he was slightly floating everywhere, including, at that moment, his chair.
“Father! Why don’t you ‘give it a shot’ anyway! You do have that unicorn variant DNA…”
Everyone and everypony around the dining table looked at her in horror, transferring their looks to Shy Tree when he agreed.
“Yeah, even with Earth Human DNA, Pfizer says your strength and stamina will increase by a power of four! You can already run a marathon on one bottle of water. What about an ultra marathon?! Deadlifting a ton instead of 500 pounds?”
Giving them a dead stare, he sighs and humors them.
“Celesti-AI says the U-Gene is minimal, at less than 1%, which is weird, given Mom is a unicorn human, but… I don’t know what the reaction would be. I also have a bunch of autoimmune stuff. I don’t want to get sick.”
“BUT DAAAD! Wouldn’t it be cool to do “magic” with your filly?”, with “pony eyes”.
“The answer's no , and that’s final, you two! What would happen to my daughter if I got hurt?!”
He pushed his chair back from the table a bit too strong, accidentally deeply gouging the floor and slightly bending the legs.
“MICHAEL ‘DUSK STAR’ MAGNUS! DON’T GO EARTH ON ME IN MY HOME!” , almost using her new psychic power to restrain him, but having enough self-control to not do so.
“I'm sorry about that, mom. Won't happen again.', as he went to his room to finish his presentation on Huqine biology. 'My biopsy samples are waiting for me in my room. Celesti-AI is gonna give me the 411.”
Halfway there, he heard a snippet on the radio of China successfully making an alicorn human, the full meaning not understood until he was sitting in his computer chair.
“Wait, did… Did I just hear that right? The CCP made an alicorn human? Ugh. I wouldn't want to be that person. Imagine - a whole country - nay, the entire WORLD - looking at you, following your every step, action and word, accidental or otherwise. You, having to consciously control your powers like Superman, every second of every day… Being immortal…”
He shuddered in fear.
“I don't think that you would have to be afraid of 'Superman Syndrome' with this Alicorn, Mike. From the news, they only have the average skills of each race, meaning they wouldn't have to train aggressively to control them. And with that piece of news, you might not like these results.”
“What… Do I have cancer or something?”
“No, you don’t have cancer, far from it, actually.', withholding an artificial chuckle.
“Reduce to zero for medical news, Celesti-AI!”
“As you wish, Mike. Your DNA is quite… odd . I knew about the unicorn variance, but who in your family is a pegasus human?”
“I… I have no clue. Never even heard a rumor anywhere in the family tree.”
“Anyway, what I am trying to get to is this. You don’t need the ponification shot. You are Patient Null. China’s alicorn was artificially constructed with illegal technology. You, on the other hand, are naturally the next step in Huqine evolution. I even think you can use magic. You could jump out the window if you wanted and fly supersonic, no shot needed. How does it feel, “Mr. Alicorn?” Join the club! That Chinese kid has nothing on you. You are the REAL First Alicorn!”
He fell off the chair to his knees, disbelieving.
Im…
"Michael!"
Impossible…
"Dad?"
Impossible.
"... Son ?"
Impossible!
"Mike? Helloooo? Anypony there?"
Impossible!
"What did you tell him, Celesti-AI?"
Impossible!!
"PUT UP THE STRONGEST SHIELD YOU CAN AROUND HIM, EVERYPONY!"
"NOOO!!"
"HOLD ON-!"
With a roar that threatened to shatter the shield and, in the process, the city, Mike's body released a blast of neon white magic that obliterated his clothes and the floor underneath, the blast continuing downward and digging through the earth without slowing a bit.
His mom was quickly sweating, her legs trembling from the effort as she determinedly held her arms up towards her freaking out son.
"GAH! I-I-I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG I CAN LAST, EVEN WITH AN ALICORN FILLY HELPING!!"
Celesti-AI's horn was at triple field, digital sweat running down her muzzle as her legs held steady against the pressure that threatened to melt/explode her projectors.
"I'm helping as well, thank you very much! I'm fortunate that my creators were determined to make me as powerful as they perceived me to be in the show, but it's also fortunate that they could never get me more powerful… Although, in this case… UGH, KEEP IT UP! We need help!"
Thomas was on the phone, informing as many students as he could about what was happening in order to reinforce the coming C.M.C that also dealt with flare up's that usually heralded the discovery of a U-man's Cutark.
"Twilight, hide! I've called for more U-mans, and we can't have you being found during this!"
"B-BUT MY-?!"
"YOUR DAD WILL BE FINE, NOW GIT!"
Scampering off to the hiding place they selected, she slowed her breathing to calm herself as the local C.M.C came and added their strength to the rapidly fading-.
"Stop. Stop . Stop . Stop. Grrrrr- STOP. RUNNING. THROUGH. MY. HEAD!!"
The entire neighborhood shook with the skyward blast he unleashed as his mind blasted through him the whole time he's so far spent with Twilight.
“Sweet Celestia, Mike! W… what are you doing?! Aren’t you an Earth Human?!”
Their confusion and terror only got doubled when he began levitating, his body shaking from the stream of unstoppable memory being forced through him.
"Let Us handle this, everypony."
They respectfully stepped aside for the Lunar teacher who came, hands crackling with power, a Shining Armor Specialist beside him as they added their power to the focusing field.
“Madam Magnus? You're working on the Homo Equus Project, right?”, The Shining Armor specialist asks the boy’s mother.
“Yes. I… I gave you a-all my m-medical records w-when we got h-here. He has uni-unicorn v-variance, but he n-NEVER fl-floated l-like this be-before, and he n-never got fully ponified.”
Unable to stand, she falls into a chair a C.M.C quickly placed under her.
“WE might have a hypothesis. Prithee tell, Madam Magnus, doth thou son have any other genetic anomalies?”
“Well, he does have random, uncontrolled memory flashes.” His mom says.
Celesti-AI’s projectors smoking and her image flickering, she shakes her head and spills the beans.
“Ok, buck this! YOUR SON IS THE FIRST TRUE ALICORN HUMAN!! The Chinese kid didn’t and still doesn’t and will never have the correct genotype for the proper evolutionary trajectory. MIKE DOES! He literally has a triple helix!”
She projects Mike’s triple helix image onto the wall, showing all three DNA types in his genome.
“Based on my calculations, here’s what he’ll have. He will never be able to die, stop aging at 25, and basically be a god among huqines, along with being incredibly rare. I project 1 in 50 million humans will be naturally born with the Alicorn triple helix after him, thus you might have a small group of alicorn humans numbering in the few thousands, maybe 10,000. This could destroy the current social strata!”
“Hm. That may be true, but right now We are more concerned about Madam Magnus’ offspring’s condition. MICHAEL MAGNUS! FOCUS ON THE SOUND OF OUR VOICE!! WE MEAN NO HARM, YOU ARE AMONGST FRIENDS!”
As she continued speaking, Michael calmed, slowly lowering himself as his memory run tapered off at the same rate. Landing on the floor, he stepped beside his bed and flopped into it backward, falling asleep the same instant.
“Holy smokes … we have a Code Majestic! Call the DOD!”
***
“Woah! How many alicorn humans are there in this timeline, Jewnicorn?”
It says in the text, boss. What I DO know is that my alicorn ascension didn’t involve any weird genetic splicing. I just got incredibly lucky.
“Well, thy variant of ourself did perish, which was thy catalyst for ascension. Modesty is good, Jewnicorn, but it doesn’t hurt to brag a bit about thy accomplishments. Not everypony meets their purpose like thou hast, or Princess Twilight.”
Yeah, I know. Incredibly lucky that I found a timeline with 99% overlap to /03, but I digress. The question remains, however, whether filly Twilight will be able to handle the fact her adoptive father is an alicorn human?!
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
Meeting My Favorite Alicorn
***
“What happened to Mike? Does he survive this altercation with the medical staff? PRITHEE TELL, JEWNICORN!!”
Ugh… for an immortal alicorn princess, you are a bit immature sometimes. YES, Mike will be fine. I told you this is a filly and colt-friendly story. Nothing bad is going to happen. I promise: “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
“Thine “Pinkie Promise” appeases us. Proceed with thy tale, Jewnicorn.”
***
Mike woke up, not in his bed, but in a hospital room. Thankfully, he wasn’t in the ICU or anything, but since the Huqine 2.0 DNA strains came out, and most of America developed superpowers, the doctors were working 24/7 to make sure that nobody has any negative immune responses. That is what the physicians initially thought happened to Mike, before the Magnus’ Celesti-AI transmitted all of his biometric data to the Cadence General Hospital of Bloomington.
"Wha- cough cough… Wh-?"
"DAD!!"
“Twilight?! How-?”
Wrapping his arms around her, she quickly whispered in his ear, "Mind spell for them to forget me as soon as they see/hear me. It'll only last until they leave the building, though the memories will still be erased ."
“W… where are the doctors, though? I- cough I don’t get it.”
“They're busy going over your data, dad. Also, heads up, the Department of Homeland Security wants to meet you, along with the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Soarin’.
“Wha-? Homeland Security? The Pentagon? For what?!”
“YOU ARE A BUCKING ALICORN HUMAN AND THE FIRST TRUE ONE, AT THAT!”
"Glup."
Are they going to tear him up and make supersoldier alicorns? Are they going to spread freedom 20% at a time to China, Iran, etc? He just wants to live a normal life!
“Mr. Magnus. I’m “Soarin’” Montgomery, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.’
A middle aged man says, opening the door of Mike’s hospital room.
‘Came to check on Patient Null. Believe me, a normal pegasus human like me has a lot to be envious about.”
Standing to the left of the bed while Twilight hid on the right, the two humans vigorously shook hands.
"Believe me, there's nothing to be envious about. If I hadn't been barely grabbing you and slowly moving my hand and arm, I dare say that there would be… Nothing of you to bury."
His mouth formed words, but refused to say them.
"... I… think… How? How were you able to do that mere hours after achieving Alicornhood?!"
"You get used to treating everything like cardboard after destroying your mom's dining and living rooms far more times than she and you can count. In contrast, I merely needed to treat you like the most fragile piece of artwork in history."
The agent shuddered at the walking Alicorn bomb lying on the hospital bed before drawing himself up, unlocking a suitcase and withdrawing a paper.
"I should inform you that under both the Patriot Act of 2003 and the Friendship Stability Act of 2023, a blood sample will be needed to study the genetic mutation that occurred. You will receive monetary compensation. Obviously, I will not be doing the blood draw, since I am not a physician, but I thought telling you on behalf of the Pentagon would be the most moral choice. Gotta be as honest as I can, right? It’s what Applejack would do.”
'A blood draw? Not the worst thing that could happen to someone. I just need to close my eyes and it’ll be over in a minute .', he thinks as he signs the paper.
***
“A blood draw? Are these humans mad? Don’t they know that alicorn blood is highly radioactive?! We see many problems with this, even if Mike is human.”
Actually, Luna, I didn’t even know that. I am not even a month into my ascension. Guess I am a walking Chernobyl, then!
“What is Chernobyl, Jewnicorn?”
Long story for another time, and this one isn’t for everypony, so we can talk after okay?
“Very well, proceed with thy tale, Jewnicorn.”
***
...
That's assuming that they can even penetrate his skin, as the Tirek vs. Twilight fight demonstrated.
A few seconds later, an Earth human nurse comes into Mike’s room with a sterile syringe and a pad of rubbing alcohol.
“Do you have a preference on which arm I draw blood from, Mike?”
“Well, I am right-handed, so can you draw from the left arm, please?”, rolling up his left sleeve to reveal his vein.
The nurse takes a small cotton pad with rubbing alcohol and sterilizes Mike’s arm, to ensure that nothing gets infected. “Hold still, Mike.”
Twilight did not know what a blood draw was, thus she genuinely thought that this “nurse” was about to harm her father. Feeling his daughter was about to do something rather stupid, he subtlety calmed her down with a telepathic message, informing her of what was about to happen.
*... Fine. But I seriously doubt that they'll be able to get through your skin.*
*... Good po-.*
"Um, sir?"
"Yes?"
"Were you feeling that at all?"
"Feeling-?'
He saw her holding up a snapped needle.
'what…?"
"And this was for the toughest Earth humans… Until we know more about you, we're going to just have to be satisfied with scans of your body and magic. Apparently, your skin is impenetrable."
"... So that happened…"
Finally getting out of the hospital and evading the swarm of parasprites that were the paparazzi by teleportation to a hotel room reserved by Glittering Star, they fell on the couch with a groan.
“Holy smokes! How… How in… How am I the first Alicorn Human?! Genetic mutations? Dumb luck? I… I… Celesti-AI, are you there?”
A familiar alicorn is quickly projected into the hotel room.
“Yeah, Mike, I’m here. And Twilight, how does it feel not being the only alicorn in town?”, with a chuckle.
“It’s crazy! By Earth standards, Mike is basically Stallion-Do-Well! Even with everypony here getting the full perks of their tribe, nopony is like him! It’s a bit alarming, to be honest. Although I am proud of my Daddy!”, flying into her adoptive father’s arms and pecking him on the cheek.
“Aww!”, hugging his little filly through his shivering.
Tensing up at the knocking of the door, Celesti-AI lifted a hoof for them to stay quiet while she glanced outside using the cameras.
"Is anypony there? It's the Department of Homeland Security. We just need to have a moment of your time, please."
***
“Tell us, Jewnicorn, what doth the “Department of Homeland Security” want with Sir Alicorn Mike?”
If I tell you now, Luna, everypony will get a spoiler. Is that what you want? Now, I know we get along swimmingly, but I have 10,000 bits on the line from Starlight!
“Thou art correct, regardless of thy position in the Lunar treasury. Proceed!”
Everypony, I love my boss, but be patient with her, okay?
***
Michael made sure to keep his voice down while Twilight directed it right to her ears and Celesti-AI's microphones.
"Call me paranoid right now, but I can't trust my daughter with them. What should we do, Celesti-AI ?"
“Best course of action is to accept their demands. Twilight can teleport to your house. Remember, Friendship Act of ‘23. They don’t need your permission. They are trying to be polite!”
"Grrr…"
Going to the door as Twilight disappears with a flash of teleportation, he gently grabs the doorknob, only leaving a slight impression, and opens it calmly, so as to not let his anger get the better of him.
"Sir?"
His eyes were neon white, following their every move as they gingerly stepped in and sat down.
"Yes?"
"Pinkie Pie Promise that you won't lash out?"
The room visibly trembles, his magic lightly covering everything except the beings inside.
"Do you Pinkie Pie Promise that you won't take me somewhere that my family can't visit at anytime?"
"*Gulp* ... Y-yes, sir. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
"And please do remember that I heard that. Don't hurt anyone, Mike. It'll take a while for them to heal ."
His eyes reverted to their natural green color.
"Understood, Pinkie. Now, gentlemen, what would you like to talk about?"
"National Security and Twilight Sparkle, sir."
“The character? Why-?”
“You know perfectly well who we’re talking about, sir.”
Casting to a flat tv that was statically clinging to the wall, they played a recording of last night, where one of the C.M.C had captured a fleeting glimpse of mulberry fur.
“... Where -?”
“Eye contact camera lenses. We’re going to ask you again sir, where is- ACK!”
Being hurled against the wall while getting choked, their eyes widened in horror and shock as massive dark brown wings and an obsidian-colored horn sprouted from his back and forehead in seconds, as well as his body growing more muscular, akin to the old Captain Equestria movies.
“I’m going to give you and your fellow agents till I get to feathering FIVE to convince me that you’ll leave her alone before I continue squeezing.”
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
The Only Winning Move is Not To Play
“W-would a-ACK! P-Pinkie Pie-?”
“MAYBE. Now-”
“DAD!”
“PRINCESS! ”
He flared his wings while keeping her just behind him.
“You don’t get to even look at her, you foals, much less call her ‘Princess’ . PROMISE ME THAT WE WILL NOT BE SEPARATED FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER, EVEN IF THE PRESIDENT HERSELF OR WHATEVER HEAD OF ANY AGENCY BEGGED!”
“WE PROMISE, WE PROMISE, WE PROMISE!! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
Bringing them closer, he snared in their faces.
“I will do much worse if that promise is broken .”
"And please do remember that I heard that as well, Gentlemen ."
Gently setting them down, he grabs Twilight as he sits on the couch and sets her on his lap, keeping his eyes on them all the while.
“Now- Talk .”
Coughing as they rub their throats, they decided to stand for the rest of their time there.
“How aware are you of modern-day geopolitics?”
“I know about the Friendship Wars, ponification, and President Strong. That’s it.”
He wasn’t really a political nerd. Now Shy Tree, on the other hand, would probably be giving a lecture on this stuff if it wasn’t for his youth.
“Okay. That’s a good start. Are you aware that there is one country on Earth that is not ponified at all, not even partially?”
“Really ? Even with the Rarity Fund for Huqine Advancement in every Third World country? Which?”
“North Korea, son. North Korea. They are the last enclave on Earth to not have any pony DNA and are sorely deficient in the joy that Friendship brings. Since you are the first alicorn human, what better ambassador to Friendship can there be than the paragon of pony-ness!?”
Celesti-AI butts in, projecting herself in between her user and government personnel.
“From what I have pulled up on North Korea while listening in, it seems they’re not interested in Friendship at all. They want to be left alone.”
“I know, Celesti-AI, but it is in the interest of national security to intervene. Imagine how many more talents can be uncovered with 26 million more Huquines?
“National Security? Horseapples with that neocolonialist nonsense. You want their oil or something!” Celesti-AI says, shaking her muzzle in disapproval.
Twilight pitches in while looking at Mike’s laptop, “Umm, Celesti-AI, you know that the US is 100% renewable now, right? Since 2033?”
She sighs. “I KNOW, Twilight! I just don’t like these guys.”
“Well, as much as I don’t like them either, your code SPECIFICALLY calls for expanding friendship around the world. I am more than happy to help the US non-violently , on the condition that nopony goes near my daughter or does anything to her. She is my everything.”
The guards nod in approval: “Nothing will happen to Twilight. We made a Pinkie Promise.”
It is true, they DID make a Pinkie Promise. Violating that oath is tantamount to perjury, with a maximum of ten years in federal prison for violating it. Nopony wants to go to Tartarus Maximum Security, even on a good day!
“Okay, so you want me to fly over to North Korea and teach them about friendship. When do we leave?”
“Um… NOW? The regime is threatening to fire a nuclear warhead towards the US in less than 72 hours. That’s why we called you. Do you think you can fly supersonic? Not even the top-tier pegasi humans can. Time is of the essence.”
Celesti-AI grins as her horn light up.
“Scanning Mike’s biometrics.’
Using her virtual horn like a scanner to scan Mike’s body from head to toe.
‘The triple helix in true alicorn human DNA seems to allow for supersonic flight with zero damage to the body. I am sure that if R-AI-nbow Dash was here, she would be impressed. The question still remains, however. How did Mike get the real alicorn DNA, but that poor baby in China didn’t?”
“No idea, don’t care. Now please get going before Seattle or San Francisco or Los Angeles goes up in a nuclear fireball!”
“Daddy, do you want me to fly with you for a bit? I don’t think you’ve been flying before. A little help from your family would put you at ease!”, fluttering up with eager excitement. Her father is going on an adventure!
His fingers drum his leg as he quickly thinks.
"... Yes , but only until we reach California. Once I hit the ocean, you TURN AROUND. I am sure that Homeland Security will send Wonderbolts to escort us across the American Continent, correct?
The agents quickly nod, eager to fulfill Mike’s demands lest he alicorn-choke them again.
“Of course, Mr. Magnus. We would also like to make it official that you are a Friendship Ambassador for the Equestrian Alliance of Nations. Here is your special badge from C.M.C headquarters. We wish you good luck, Godspeed, and may Faust go with you."
Opening the window, Twilight gently flies out, beckoning for her father to join her.
“I’m not about to fly without some music.”
Taking out his Soarin’ Ears, he loops them around his ears, inserting the buds inside as he selects some traveling music. Spreading his wings, he flies out the window and joins his daughter a few feet from the hotel.
“I assume you have perfect geolocation as part of your Alicorn Huqine DNA?” The agent asks.
Mike nods as his daughter impatiently does some loops and twirls.
“Time for me to go, gentlemen!”
***
“Woah! Does Mike the Alicorn Human fly faster than Rainbow Dash?”
Not sure Luna. Never went to this timeli-
“Wait, somepony in another world is faster than ME ?!”
Ah, I see you came to return your graphic novel. Thank you for coming on time this week. Hope you pick something good next week!
“No problem, Jewnicorn. Don’t sweat it! BYE!”
Well, sorry about that, everypony. We all know Rainbow Dash is a HUGE Daring Do fan, so I had to curate for her reading tastes. Now, where were we?”
***
The news of the first true Alicorn human had already rocketed all over the country, meaning that there were multiple people who were… To say excited is too soft.
“Twilight, Invisibility Spell, then get on my back. We have fans, and not the nice ones, incoming!”
Quickly doing so, she then whispers, “If I was you, Daddy, I would see if you can copy Dashie’s signature trick, I think it’s called the “Sonic Rainboom”? I think I could, but could you? ”
“Gulp . I don’t know, dear, but if it’ll get us away from these rabid girls… Heh, I’ve always wondered if the human body could withstand the sound barrier… Not like this, though…!”
Climbing to a high altitude with rapid flaps, he made sure that his daughter held a tight grip.
“Three o’clock, 12 o’clock, 6 o’clock, they’re everywhere, dad!”
Making eye contact, he grinned nervously as he felt his magic gather in his wings and around his body.
“Not for long.”
Steeling himself, he focused on San Francisco, then-.
Silence.
Well, not exactly.
https://youtu.be/yh19HIhFuTQ
When the song was getting to the middle, he made sure to slow down, his sight becoming sharper and sharper until he magically came to a stop above the Golden Gate Bridge.
“Thank you for riding Air Michael. Please put your wings, legs, and eyes in their correct position as we land.”
Landing at the San Francisco C.M.C HQ while pausing the song, he allowed his daughter to shakily climb off, her eyes wide and her mouth with the widest grin ever.
“T-T-T-T-T-THANK YOU, DAD! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!”
“Welcome, but now I have to go to work. And I will be back. Keep a close eye on her, everyone. AND NO ONE. LAYS A HAND, OR ANYTHING ELSE, ON HER. Have fun!”
With another flap of his wings, he took off towards North Korea, where the plan was to meet up with the Seventh Fleet of Harmony.
https://youtu.be/EeXCCk1Mahc
https://youtu.be/OVnxU0dXztw
Within minutes, Mike was well past the Hawaiian Islands. While in international airspace, as he was thinking about what he could possibly share with North Korea, a holographic alicorn begins flying next to him.
"Greetings, Sir."
“Ah, Celesti-AI! I forgot I was wearing my pony watch!”
“Yeah, smart of you.”
The rest of the flight was conducted in silence.
Opening his eyes as he exited the latest S.B, he slowed himself, allowing the incoming Wonderbolts to guide him to the headship.
“Mike-san! You are now in Japanese airspace! We welcome you as your guest with open arms!” A Japanese pegasus-human says, nodding at Mike.
The Wonderbolt is a bit confused at the Celestia hologram.
“Is… is that Celestia-sama? How many of you are there?”
“No, I am Mike’s AI assistant, Celesti-AI. I can assure you that he is the only alicorn with you.”
“Ah. We welcome you, Great Alicorn, to the Land of the Friendly Sun.”
They descended to the flight deck and further descended to the gallery.
“Thank you. I’m afraid that my flight here took out a lot of my energy, so I-.”
“Here you go, Mike-kun~ We were informed that you only eat kosher, so we-”
They were mute as he put away a good half amount of his body weight, which was rather quickly digested.
"... Wow.”
“Indeed. Now, what have you told the North Korean Government?”
“Everything we could, but they refuse to listen. We also have reason to fear that they have somehow broken our encrypted communications and are attempting to subvert our more secret uni-men abilities.”
“Well, based on my calculations, I’d say we have 72 hours before anything serious would happen.” Celesti-AI says, shrugging.
“We think the best approach is to go in through South Korea via the DMZ, and withhold your abilities until absolutely needed.”
“Agreed. If I don’t have to test my abilities’ limits, it’ll be fine with me.”
***
“J-corn! Will Mike be alright? Will he be able to spend time with his daughter and earn his happy ending?”
If you keep inter- I give up. Luna. Just… just do what you want. I don’t care that I am paying out of pocket for this.
***
As they made their way to the DMZ, Michael was given a quick and easy tour of South Korea. Meanwhile, China was amassing their army on the North Korean border to force them to keep the peace. For the first time in recent memory, North Korea refused.
***
“I calculate there’s less than 24 hours before BLEEP hits the fan!”
Everyone looked at Celesti-AI in shock.
“What? We’re only facing down a nation who potentially has the ability to destroy South Korea and eliminate any pony abilities thrown against them! I have the right to curse!”
“Celesti-AI. Lock at zero for cursing.”
“According to my pegasi sensors an ICBM is pointed towards Hawaii right now, so we better get a move on!”
One of the Japanese attaches said, pulling up a projector which shows the estimated trajectory of this ICBM.
“I wouldn’t want to be in Hawaii right now…”
The other attache says, trying to lighten up the mood.
“Please be serious, everypony!” Celesti-AI says, her horn turning red.
“Hai, Celesti-AI-Sama!” The Japanese allies said, saluting the AI.
“Well, you gotta get to North Korea now and disarm the missile!” Celesti-AI says to everypony.
"On my way!"
***
Unknown to Mike, the San Francisco C.M.C was currently freaking out over the sudden disappearance of his daughter, who they last saw outside, eating a snack while reading on a tablet..
Unknown to them, she had had enough waiting for her father, and so took it upon herself to bring Friendship to the North Koreans. In preparation, she refreshed herself on the war, learned Korean overnight and the modern-day spat of politics (which made her swear that if she ever got back to her home, that she would reform the whole government. Blueblood could leap off Canterlot for all she cares! … Doesn’t sound like a bad idea…).
Anyway, to cut this short, she had already been in the DMZ an hour or so before her father had.
“DADDY! I CAME TO SEE YOU!”
He froze.
“No… No, not my … If you have done -.”
“No, no no. We have done nothing. Your demonic daughter, on the other hand, tried to sway us with her deceiving words. We have already taught those unfortunate people the meaning of true friendship, but your daughter refuses to see reason.”
“Please … S … Stop killing ! I-i-if you would just allow -!”
“We will not, young one. You are too blind to see the truth, but once you are back in school-.”
He saw neon red as his magic turned the same.
“I. Will give you. To the count of five. To release. My daughter.”
“One.”
“We have a missile pointed at Hawaii. We wi-.”
“Two.”
“Launch the missile.”
“Three.”
“You do not have time to save her and your pe-.”
“Four.”
“What will they think? The world will see you-.”
“Five.”
A single blink. That’s all it took.
Twilight was in his arms, the North Korean soldiers were missing theirs, and the capital was wiped off the map completely. There wasn’t even enough rubble to confirm that there was anything there in the first place. The missile, on the other hand, was hurled into outer space where it exploded harmlessly halfway between the earth and the moon.
And before he flew back to the U.S, he made sure that the international tv cameras the North Koreans had set up heard what he had to say.
“No one. Touches. My daughter.”
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
My Life as an Alicorn-Tier Celebrity
***
“WOAH, Jewnicorn, that was awesome!”
Yeah, I know, boss. Blowing things up is super cool. I did it a few times, and I could have developed an addiction to explosives.
Anyways, let’s check in on Mike and Twilight, now that everypony on Earth knows who she is!
***
Quickly getting back to Bloomington under the cover of night, ‘Dusk Star’ lighted at his home, his daughter firmly in his arms and his horn projecting an invisibility bubble that matched their forms. Sneaking into his home through the back door, they stumbled into the kitchen, raided the fridge and pantry, and collapsed into the couch, unaware of, and thus completely ignoring, the surprise party that was just sprung on them.
“Wha-? Oh, hello, everypony. I don’t know what day is it, nor what it is we’re celebrating, so if all of you could politely flutter off so that I and my daughter can get some rest? Thank you.”
“Dad? Did you get the celery? I wanted the vegan marshmallows.”
“Let’s switch.”
Eating to their hearts’ content, Dusk and Twilight remained blissfully unaware of the news, governmental, and friendship-related pandemonium that was occurring just outside. When they were done, they teleported upstairs (Much to the U-girls and scientists’ delight) and fell into a blissful sleep.
The next morning, Mike got ready to go to Unicorn U like any other day. He noticed a primary feather was stuck to his shirt from his “ponying up” transformation a few days ago. He removed it, chuckling that he actually sprouted wings!
Seeing that his daughter was still asleep, he teleported downstairs, where his mom was currently making breakfast with her hands and lunch with her magic.
“Morning, my little alicorn! How did you sleep?”
Whatever he said was mangled by his yawning and his hands covering his mouth.
Celesti-AI makes her way to the kitchen’s hub, projecting herself in miniature form on the counter.
“Good morning, Miss Magnus. Did you use the technique I showed you for sauteing the onion?”
“Yes, I did, Celesti-AI. It proved rather useful, indeed!”
“I am glad you liked it. My news settings have alerted me that things are going to be quite interesting for Mike today. He’s a celebrity now! Twilight, too!”
"Yes, very interesting… Coffee. Where's my coffee, please?"
Suddenly, a familiar mulberry alicorn trots downstairs, a bit tired from the previous day’s adventures.
“Good *hiccup* morning everypony!” She said, startled by her sudden hiccup.
"Morning, little Coffee… Ugh, Twily. Where's my coffee, mom?"
“Right, sorry dear!” Ms. Magnus says, using her magic to quickly make a cup of hazelnut and vanilla flavored coffee with pumpkin pie flavored creamer.
"Imma teleport it, mom."
"Ready."
He did so and took a sip.
"Hmm, not bad. I didn't even have to let it cool."
"Er… You didn't, son. It was still boiling."
"... Oi."
“Wait, daddy has cryokinesis?” Twilight says, flying over to the table to see the coffee now freezing at Mike’s touch.
“Woah…” Ms. Magnus says, looking over at the ice forming at the top of the cup.
"... Horseapples. Please reheat this, Celestia?"
“Thermal heaters are not accessible at this time. Perhaps your son can try using real magic to do so?” Celesti-AI says, with a grin.
He sticks out his tongue at her.
“Daddy, can I try heating your coffee?” Twilight asks, her eyes comically turning to stars.
"Yes please."
As the alicorn filly was trying to heat the coffee cup, she couldn’t help but lap up a small amount of it. She never had it before.
“ICK!! You like this, daddy?”
"Other than Torah and you, this is my life, honey. Now gimme."
The filly does as she is told, passing the coffee to her father, who notices with a grin that it tastes more magical than usual.
“Mike, don’t you have school today? Also, Twily, if anypony from the press comes while we are gone, do NOT answer any questions. We know how you get when you are nervous.”
Twilight chuckles: “Yeah, yeah. I won’t answer anypony’s questions. I Pinkie Promise!”
She then recites the aforementioned ritual, almost grabbing Mike’s empty coffee cup and smashing it in front of her muzzle.
“Twilight Sparkle! What do you think you are doing with my son’s coffee mug?!” Ms. Magnus cried, using magic to grab the cup from her.
“Sorry, I got really into the Pinkie Promise. Bye Daddy, good luck in school!”
"Thanks, sweetie! Thanks for the lunch, mom!"
And with a flash, he teleports to his favorite on-campus, healthy to-go bar, "The BookWorm Pony"
***
“THE BOOKWORM PONY? WE HAVE ONE OF THOSE IN MANEHATTAN!”
Yes, we do, Luna. One of the many easter eggs from my multiversal jaunts found in this timeline.
“Fascinating. Proceed with thine tale, we are VERY intrigued.”
***
“Holy hay! It’s Mike the Alicorn!” “Mandarin Orange”, says as Mike makes his way into the pub.
“Yeah. I can’t believe he’s so lucky to have pure pony DNA. He can use real magic!” “Bartlett Pear” says to Mandarin.
Sigh… the times, they are a Changeling.
"Guys, guys… please. I'm still the same person, so stop with the Alicorn stuff. I'll rather still be known as, "Dusk Star", from now till… forever."
He was going to say “until the day I die”, but he remembered he can’t die.
“Well, you are basically a demigod now, Prince Dusk Star”, “Bartlett Pear” says, buying rounds for everypony on behalf of Mike’s arrival. Everypony cheered and raised their glasses for Mike.
A chant of “Prince Dusk Star” began filling the halls of the tavern, and even the barkeep “Single Malt” joined in!
Blushing heavily, he merely raised his glass in response, to which everypony cheered and took a sip simultaneously.
“Uhh, “just Dusk Star”, I have a question.” Mandarin Orange asked, making her way over to him.
“If you can actually do magic… what makes you unique from the h-u-mans? I mean, I am an Earth human, so I don’t know about this stuff. It must be so cool!”
In response, and without blinking an eye, he raised his hand and transformed the napkin in front of him into a steaming slice of cheese pizza.
“Woah… matter manipulation! So cool!”
Bartlett Pear, who is a u-man, raises his hand next.
“Well, as a u-man, I think my abilities only extend to telekinesis and super smarts? You have my respect, Dusk.”
Nodding in response, he grabs the pizza and starts eating it with an audible crunch.
"With a crusty crust, just the way I like it."
Looking at his watch, Dusk slightly winced as he realized something.
"Whelp, I need to get going if I want to be on time for my first class."
“Okay then, see you around, “Prince Dusk Star”, Mandarin says with a sly grin as she leaves the bar.
‘I hope she doesn’t fall in love with me. My life is already turned upside down and inside out, don’t need a love-interest mixing it up more.’
Manifesting with a pop of neon white just outside his classroom, he walked into it.
Scratch that, he walked into his personal throne room. Everyone was hastily bowing and his seat was replaced with a chair that had no right being there… Except if it came with the desk that only a CEO could afford that had replaced his old one.
“... Why?”
***
“OF COURSE MIKE THE ALICORN IS BEING GIVEN A ROYAL TREATMENT!”
Luna… we’re getting to the good part soon. Please behave? Do it not for everypony else, but for ME?
“OF COURSE. WE WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEE, J-CORN. PROCEED!”
***
“Well, you are basically a god among Huquines, so we might as well give you some perks!” Professor Nuts N Bolts says during Huquine physics class.
“... Right. And you had to wait until class started to answer me because…?”
“Well, you weren’t here! That’s why, Prince Dusk Star!” Nuts N Bolts says rhetorically.
“Now, Since you ARE an alicorn human, why don’t you go over your notes on flight from last class for everypony. It’s a shame my U-man abilities don’t let me fly like you! I mean, even my pegasus students can’t fly with wings. YOU have wings, at least, when under duress. We all saw the tapes!”
His only reaction was to gulp nervously.
“Alright, let… me... Oh no… no nononoNOOOOOOO!”
His mind began to send through him his memories of him flying.
His daughter finally flying without crashing.
The planes he’s seen.
The birds he’s seen.
Practically everything he’s ever heard, read or felt on flight.
All at once.
At the same time, his body began lashing out at the unknown attacker with bursts of magic.
“Oh, s-! Everypony get back!”
“What’s going on!?”
“Medical emergency that we can’t do anything about except hope that he won’t go nuclear! Channel his magic upwards!”
As the mental attack continued, the shield began to crack at the 1:50 mark, then threatened to shatter at the 2:20 mark before they were finally able to add in the C.M.C.
“He’s reaching critical mass! Can we even contain him?!”
One of the CMC staff screams at another.
Fortunately, that didn't happen as he eventually began to calm down, collapsing to the floor with a thud.
“... It’s unfortunate that his tasty bits were left covered.”
SLAP!
“Well, that’s going to make it on pnn.com today!” Mandarin said, laughing like a foal.
“This. Is. Going. Nowhere. Understand?’
With a flick of the wrist, he repaired the roof and floor. Then immediately head desked on the nearest one in understanding.
‘Everypony on campus and in the town just saw that. I’m not doing so well, aren’t I?”
“Enope! But you are pretty hot! Like, Big Mac hot!”
He stared at her and some of the girls (plus a few guys) with a blank look.
“... What?”
***
“Hold on, J-corn. How attractive is he?”
Um… Luna?
“Well… we would LOVE to meet somepony like him. Brave and valiant, but also cute and careless!”
Luna… you're on the recording…
“We don’t care, Jewnicorn! This Mike infatuates us! Tell us, what art the multiversal coordinates to this dimension?”
Luna… please… not now… Starlight will be livid with this cut.
“Jewnicorn, as thy ruling sovereign and foster mother, we DEMAND THEE to bring us to this timeline!”
Oh boy… Looks like my moon mom found a crush! I wonder how this is going to turn out…
***
Taking a few deep breaths, he mentally scanned himself and his clothes.
“Hm.”
With a knowing smirk and snap of the fingers, he repaired his clothes, to which they all let out a small whine of disappointment.
“NOW! Wow, the RCV really does blow hair back. ANYWAY, IF ALL OF YOU PERVERTS HAVE FINISHED TRYING TO UNDRESS ME, WHETHER MENTALLY OR TELEKINALLY…?”
Ears ringing, everyone went back to their desks.
Except for the poor kid whose desk got turned into sawdust.
“Um, Mr. Dusk Star, Sir…?”
“Hm? Oh, I’m sorry about that! There you are!”
“Thank you.”
The rest of the class time passed without incident.
“HEY FREAK! HOW DO YOU HANDLE YOUR UNWORTHY POWER?!”
That incident-free time didn’t apply to his next class, which was, ironically, Advanced Friendship, where they’re learning about Defensive and Offensive Friendship.
“Prince Dusk Star, for the safety of everypony in this gymnasium, please refrain from using all of your power.” Thick Bones says to the now annoyed Mike.
“Well, before I even knew about this Alicorn DNA thing, Mike was an above-average Earth human, so I am sure he’ll be fine.” Shy Tree pipes in from the back.
“Only when I was compared to the rest of the state, Shy Tree…”
From this, everypony began asking Mike more and more questions, some more innocent than others. By far the weirdest question Mike received was from Chip Tune. Chip Tune wanted to be blasted into the wall with full force, just so he could PROVE that alicorn magic was real.
“... Is somepony here fluent in Idiot-nese? I know you were there when I turned the napkin into a real slice of pizza.”
“Well, you KNOW my parents are anti-ponifiers Dusk Star, and ever since they raised the age of majority to 25, I have been DYING to get ponified, but my parents won’t let me! I just need you to convince them! It’s almost as bad as not getting your vaccines!”
“It’s true, Dusk Star… all of Chip Tunes' forms claim “health reasons” for not getting any Huquine treatment. Dear Celestia, I hate those essential oil ponies!” Thick Bones crossly says, upset that not all of his students are being treated equally.
“Hm. Bring them to me after school and I’ll see what I can do.”
“Now, for the rest of you. You know the drill. I want everypony to pair up with somepony of a different tribe and begin the drills! GO, GO, GO!” Thick Bones says as everypony in the room follows the teacher’s instructions. They make their way outside to Unicorn U’s field since flight will be needed for this class for some students. Dusk Star just so happens to be paired up with Shy Tree.
“Well, Mr. Alicorn, looks like you can fly now. Don’t break the stratosphere!” Shy Tree taunts, launching himself above the field goal post.
Focusing, he caused himself to 'pony up', wings and horn sprouting out of him. With a flap, he accidentally propelled himself nearly a mile up!
“DUSK STAR, REMEMBER TO STAY AT A NORMAL HEIGHT!” Thick Bones pipes in, clipboard in hand to evaluate his students’ progress.
"Whoops. SORRY, SIR!"
These drills are rather rudimentary in nature, and the reason that students are paired against Huquines of different tribes is to diversify the skill set of each student. It was kind of like rock paper scissors on steroids! Earth humans used their stamina to outlast the others, pegasi used their speed and reflexes to be evasive, and unicorn humans used their chess-like minds and basic psionic attacks for offense.
“If only I could think my way out of this…! No, don’t want to accidentally roast my class like burnt marshmallows… Hm…”
Shy Tree began to fly towards Dusk Star at full speed, and Dusk had to think, and think fast. He learned the best way to avoid a pegasi attack was to “clip the wings”, so Mike waited for Shy Tree to get close enough, and he grabbed Shy’s shoulderblades and gently lowered him to the floor.
“Bucking hell, Mike! What happened to your reflexes?!”
The only reply he got was the feeling of his friend shrugging.
“Well, looks like this exercise is pointless, then.” Thick Bones says, walking towards the two friends.
“Here’s what I want you two to do now. Dusk, if you are an alicorn human, you can fly. I want you to race Shy Tree around Bloomington. Shy’s stats are crazy! He could be a Wonderbolt if he wanted to!”
“Now, this looks like something I am going to be better at!” Shy Tree says, smirking.
Mike failed to hide the tiniest of smirks from appearing on his lips.
“Don’t count your cockatrice before they hatch, old friend.”, as he flared his wings in preparation.
“Well, on your marks… get set…”
Shy Tree looks like his life is on the line.
“GO!”
In the split second between that and flapping his wings, Mike decided something.
‘I’m gonna let him win… By a hair, that is. I mean, I am the ambassador of friendship!’
With twin bursts of air, they rocketed off of school grounds and followed the lane set up for this situation. As they raced, the faint sound of cheering reached their ears as almost everyone stopped what they were doing and watched in awe.
***
“J-corn, who is going to win?!?!”
If I tell you...it won’t happen. Remember? It’s the curse of the time alicorn. I know everything, but if I say it before it’s time, it doesn’t happen.
“Proceed, then.”
***
‘Alrighty… Adjust a feather here, move a hand there, and point your feet like so… There, a guaranteed win for Shy Tree, in three… Two… One.’
“AND SHY TREE WINS BY A FEATHER!”
“Woah… I won! I bucking won! I don’t know how, but I won!” Shy Tree exclaimed, lending out a hand to shake in good sportsmanship with his friend.
Making sure to not let his friend’s excitement overtake him, he shook back.
“Shy Tree, get your flank down to Earth. Somepony is here to see you!”
He does so, and sees a man with sunglasses and a military outfit in front of him.
“Well… if you were able to defeat Dusk Star the Alicorn human in a race… I think you're a decent candidate for the USAF Wonderbolt program. Here’s my card. If you are interested son, call this number.” He then teleports away.
Shy Tree abruptly sits on the ground and thinks, his brow furrowing in deep thought. After a bit, it hit him.
“You let me win!”
‘Buck. How did he figure it out?!’
“North Korea. It’s been on the news everywhere, and while most people theorize a time-spell, I’m confident that it’s not that. You're just that fast.”
“Um-.”
“Do-over.”
“... What?”
“You heard me. Do. Over! I’m not going to get into the Wonderbolts just because my friend took pity on me!”
“Wait, did I hear you right, Shy Tree? Dusk Star let you win?” Thick Bones says, looking at Mike with a confused look.
“... Yes.”
“Well, why would you do that to him? In a way, that’s worse than cheating!”
“... I would rather seem slower for the enjoyment of my friend than outright blow him out of the water just for…”
He shrugged.
“Fair play… interesting. You just wanted to even the playing field. Well… that changes things. Sportsmanship is very important, and frankly, it shows loyalty to your friend.” Thick Bones says, writing something down on his clipboard. “This act of friendship has given you your full credit for this course immediately. You two are free to go!”
“Well, then. I guess you letting me win gives us one less credit of schoolwork this semester. I should thank you, actually!”
"No. And before you insist, I insist. You passing and potentially getting into the Wonderbolts is the best thanks I could get. Now, wher-?"
"Are you BUCKING KIDDING ME!? MR. ALL-POWERFUL ALICORN AND HIS FRIEND GET OFF WHILE THE REST OF-?!"
A rather familiar (and attractive) young Earth human woman butts her nose in to this seemingly escalating conflict.
“Well, I find that everypony else was rather SELFISH in not showing sportsmanship this term. What about when Chip Tune needed help because his parents are anti-ponifiers. Did anypony help him get his DNA altered? No, nopony did! And that was today, no less!
Gently smiling while holding back a blush, he makes a small bow towards her while backing towards the school.
“Thank you for that, Miss Orange.”
His friend, however, wasn’t about to leave it at that.
“We would also be happy for you to join us at lunch, “Princess Mandarin Orange”!”
At the statement of his friend, his face erupted in redness simultaneously when her’s did, which was compounded by most of the rest of the class cheering them on.
“Well… I serve at the pleasure of the alicorn.” Mandarin says, winking and going to collect her things.
***
“Methinks that that line belongs to thee, during the beginning of thine adventure.”
I might have said that… I don’t know. Can we continue?
“Of course”
***
Joyfully whistling, Mandarin made her way home after school, her science and war books swinging back and forth in her arms.
“Well well well. Isn’t it ‘Little Miss. Alicorn’s Boy Toy’.”
Blinking a few times at the bullies stepping out of shadows that had barely concealed them, she sighed and rolled her eyes while doing the same to her head.
“Typical of male bullies. Thinking only with their balls and fists and never with anything else.”
“Pfft! I’m just trying to make sure that weaklings like you are strengthened through the furnace that’s college!”
Putting the books away into her backpack, she easily tossed it out of their reach, the straps getting caught on a tree branch.
“Remember FierceFists567? … The Shadow Pony level on My Little Pony: Equestria Online ?”
‘Gulp, not good! NOT GOOD!’
“Hold ‘Miss. Molestia’ down while I teach her a lesson! ”
Raising her arms in front of her in a ‘x’, she used his momentum to push him into his friends while lashing out at a leg, causing him to trip and fall into their legs and collapsing them in a heap.
At the same moment, two others tried to rush her from behind and another three from the sides.
Backflipping out of the way, she grabbed one who had narrowly dodged getting dogpiled, yanked him back and put him down with a backhand.
As another Earth human tried to kick her legs, she was able to dodge the kick and retaliate with her own kick, dislocating her enemies’ foot.
With the rest finally getting up and starting to get organized…
‘Ponyfeathers… I’m bucked now!’
“OH, NO YOU DONT!!”
They were all raised up by a neon white glow and slammed into the ground, then raised again and tossed a few feet away as Mike landed in front of her, wings and arms outspread.
“Leave. Now.”
The head idiot didn’t listen.
“Sigh.”
With a wave of his hand, he turned the concrete under the sprinting Earth man back into its liquid form, then back into its solid form as soon as his hands and knees were enveloped.
“It’s rather funny that all that’s needed to restrain an Earth human is a little tweaking of the molecules.”
Making eye contact with the seething and smoldering eyes of the struggling bully, Mike obliges with a flick of his finger, freeing him and knocking him cold at once.
Mandarin Orange was amazed at Mike’s raw talent with matter manipulation.
“Dusk… how did you come and help me?”
With another flick of his finger, her backpack comes back to her smoothly.
“I heard fighting from my computer club, recognized the voice of “Mr. High and Mighty” over there, and teleported here to stop whomever he was trying to grievously harm.”
“Wha… You could hear this from a mile and half away through bricks and trees and everything else ?!”
“... Yeah.”
Catching her with his magic, she shook her head.
“... Adrenaline rush... Leaving… Help, me to my dorm?”
“Sure.”
Levitating her while she describes the outside of the building, they disappear with a POP!
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
Bone Breaker was annoyed.
No, scratch that.
He was enraged beyond any form of understandable communication.
It was now Hearths' Warming Eve at Unicorn University, and everypony was elated to celebrate the holiday for the first time as “fully ponified” huqines.
He had to watch as ‘Mr. Perfect-And-Flawless-Alicorn’ was mobbed by admirers of both sexes, while he was (in some cases, literally) repulsed by nearly everyone but his friends/followers/blackmailed servants.
Before school that day, Twilight wanted to debrief her father on her studies the day after coming back from her ‘Friendship World Tour’.
“DADDY, what if I were to tell you that I solved the unified field theory ?”
Wait, did Mike just hear his filly right? The unified field theory? The theory that basically solves almost all of modern science?
“... I would… Pfft. I think I would have to teleport all of us to the moon in order to keep the press, the scientific community, the leaders of every religion and nation on earth, and-.”
“Wait, Twi, are you going to publish this?!” Ms. Magnus pipes in, elated that her grandfilly made such a discovery.
“I ALREADY DID! I HAVE AN INTERVIEW TOMORROW!” She says, her eyes growing to comical size, hugging her father.
His eyes shrank to pinpricks.
“... You didn’t.”
***
Alright everypony. I know I am supposed to be like The Watcher from Marvel, and mind my own business with other timelines, but I am seriously wondering if I need to come in and rewind time to save Mike’s flank! Luna, what do you think?
“As thy foster mother and ruling sovereign, we advise thee to remain at our side for company. Thou shalt not interfere with the timeline. Thou art a smart stallion...make thine own decision, but we believe that thee will maketh the correct choice.”
Well, that’s her way of saying no… regardless I am going to keep my eye on him and see what happens.
***
“I did! Dad… W-why aren't you h-happy for me?”
“I am, I am, BELIEVE ME, THAT I AM. It’s just that this theory has been the Holy Grail for practically all of humanity ever since we had a hint of its existence. And if you truly had solved it… My dear Twily, you have… Made me extremely happy. Congratulations, my daughter!”
She pounced on him, giving him the biggest hug.
“Well, even the AI ponies didn’t come close, Twilight. I am quite proud of you.” Celesti-AI says, projecting herself from the kitchen’s smart-speaker.
“Well… thank you, Princess!”
“Well, even if I am not YOUR Celestia, my programming still has a fondness for you. Go enjoy this discovery with your family.” She says with a smile.
“And here’s the best part, Dad! It proves that this reality has a creator!” She says, flying upstairs to grab her notes.
He’s terrified at this point. Completely and utterly, terrified.
Coming down the stairs with a 7” thick binder full of loose-leaf paper, she casts a spell to summarize her findings.
“Well Dad, we don’t know which religion is the correct one, but it seems that an otherworldly being is responsible for the creation of this universe. It's dark matter! My magic detects something of a different energy signature. There was no way a person could have found it! What I did find was this!” Casting a spell, she projects an image from the Hubble Space Telescope showing the Pillars of Creation nebula.
“Look VERY carefully, daddy, and you might see something that you recognize!”
Taking only a glance, he dispels everything and falls to the floor trembling. It was just as Genesis Rabba says: “Black fire on white fire”. The Hebrew Alphabet written in the very cosmos.
“I am calling this the star blueprint. Whoever made the universe must have used this alphabet like source code or DNA. Isn’t this the alphabet Jews use?”
“Yes, yes it-. CANCEL THE INTERVIEW AND DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU HAVE.”
“But daddy, it’s on the blockchain. It’s impossible to delete!”
“Do you not realize what you’ve done!? YOU’VE JUST HANDED HUMANITY A BLANK CHECK TO WAGE A WAR ON EACH OTHER UNLIKE AT ANY OTHER TIME IN HISTORY!”
“So much for Friendship is Magic, Dad… besides, most humans, if I recall correctly, DO believe in a creator deity. Why would this be such a problem?”
“You said it yourself… It doesn’t prove which religion is right . We have painted cities with blood over which religion is right, and that was just with mere writings!!”
“Well, we have SOME idea, Hebrew is the primary language for the origin of at least THREE major faiths, with billions of adherents. So… the gods in India aren’t real, as with the Amerindian Spirits, etc.”
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE, IF YOU DO NOT WANT THE WORLD TO BE ENGULFED IN THE MOST HORRIFIC WAR EVER SEEN IN ANY DIMENSION, YOU WILL FIND SOME WAY TO DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DISCOVERED.”
***
Sheesh… do I tell them that the writing is my rough draft for an autobiography? LOL!
“J-corn! We are appalled by thine apathy to this statement. Have thou forgotten thine existential crisis when our original variant met thee?”
It’s been TEN MILLENNIA! I got over it, and I met Eliyahu in my Alicorn Dream sequence, so I am fine.
“Use thine time magic to remedy this calamity!”
“Umm, not the best idea, you two.”
Oh man… Twilight? Am I in trouble?
“Nah. You are doing your job. Keep LARPing “The Watcher” from your Marvel movies. I am going to get meta and speak to my foal self. I got this. It won’t mess with the narrative that much, I think?”
Well you are the boss… do as you wish.
“I will, thank you very much! Luna, thanks for the pancakes by the way! Ahem!”
“Hello? Filly me, are you there?”
***
“Hello? Filly me, are you there?”
“GAH! Who’s that! Who’s there?”
“Well, I’m you! In fact, in my timeline, I become ruler of Equestria after Celestia and Luna retire! I am sure you’ve seen “The Last Problem” by now, right?”
“Hehehe, yeah… By the way, in Season 23, did you and Painted Tray really have to destroy-?”
“Honey…? Who are you talking to?”
“Well, time to use the trick J-corn taught me. ” Everything froze in place, except for the two Twilights.
“Time pausing. I can’t do it for long, but enough to talk to you. Look, you really screwed up with this unified field theory thing. I am going to ask a friend to fix a few things so everypony can move on with their lives. Do you care if I do so?”
“N-no. I don’t want my dad to be mad at me… Nor do I want this war that humans seem to be on the verge of all the time… *Sigh* Sometimes I wish I could just take him, his mom, his friend, and his girlfriend back to my Equestria.”
“Well, be patient … Here’s what’s going to happen. I will cast a spell. You will wake up in your bed, memories of the past 3 hours wiped, and Mike will go to class. Nopony will remember this. What I can promise you is you will make it home eventually, with your family, too! Just...not yet.”
“How?! Also, how do you know all this?! ”
“It’s a long story, young filly...when you are older, it will make sense. By the way, this spell might tickle. So I’m warning you now!” She chuckles, horn at the ready to cast the spell.
“Nopony will be hurt. I promise. I am just restarting your day.”
***
Well, how’d it go Twily?
“Not bad, she’s adorable , not that I am biased or anything. Also… things are going to get interesting today. I have a feeling about that.
Twi… don’t reveal too much to the audience! You aren’t the time alicorn! All this info will drive you mad!
“Why, because I am a mare?!
“Twilight!!! Our Jewnicorn was raised by a single human mother for sixteen years. He is quite egalitarian! It is because it is not thine innate talent.”
“Yeah yeah yeah. Cutie marks and talents. I know the drill. Maybe Starlight was onto something…”
Uh oh!
***
And then, Twilight wakes up in her bed.
“I had a weird dream where I was talking to myself, and she was bigger. Don’t remember what we talked about! Anyways, it’s Hearths' Warming Eve at Daddy’s school today! I need to make him a card!”
Meanwhile, Bone Breaker was planning on how to get revenge on Dusk Star and his new marefriend, Mandarin Orange.
“So, do any of you blank flanks have any idea on how to stop this Alicorn from humiliating the rest of us?”
“Well, I am in the Huquine Biology program. I learned that the pony DNA can be removed under extenuating circumstances, like an autoimmune reaction. We just need to make him a regular human, and then we can kick his ass!” Double Helix suggests.
“Heck, we just need to remove the unicorn and pegasus DNA. He was fine as an Earth human.” Building Block adds. He had some sympathy for Dusk, since the two of them were friendly from the Iron Mare competitions they did back in high school.
“Sure, whatever.” Bone Breaker scoffs.
“I need a few hours to sneak into the lab and make the serum. I can slip it into his coffee, and he won’t know what hit him!” Double Helix says, sure of herself she can do this.
“Take a bucking millenium for all I care. Revenge is best served with proper planning.” Bone Breaker says with a grin. He might be a bonehead, but when it comes to beating somepony up, he is a tactical genius.
***
“So… you and Mandarin have been rather close lately. Coming over for movies, pizza night, even trying to show her some alicorn magic tricks! When are you two going to the chuppah?”
His blush was hot enough for Pinkie P.A.I’s digital marshmallows and stick to burst into flames.
“Whah! No fair! ”
“Daddy’s been dating Mandarin for only a few months. From my reading on human interpersonal relationships, getting married takes a lot of chemistry. A few months won’t cut it!”
“We have not been dating! We haven’t even decided if we like each other like that yet !”
“Well, I am more than willing to pay for a Princess C-AI-dence unit to teach you how to be a real stallion with the mares! Not like that , but like dating tips and stuff!”
His blushing increasing, he facepalms.
“Thanks for making the day awkward already, mom. And I haven’t even had my first class of the day… Anyway, before anyone or anypony makes anything more awkward, I’m getting a snack at Sugarcube Corner with-.”
“MANDARIN AND DUSKIE SITTING IN A TREE, K I S S I N G -”
“Actually, I was going to meet up with you, you lovesick weirdo! It’s the last day before you leave for Basic Wonderbolt training, so I wanted to say goodbye!”
“Awww… So you do care for me and not just your MAREFRIEND!”
“Shut up before I teleport you into the Earth’s core. Anyway, Cupids, GOODBYE!”
They disappear with a neon white burst of light.
***
“We advise thee to find a marefriend of thine own, J-corn!”
I want to scream… I am horrible at making friends, and frankly the only reason Twilight gets along with me is because we are colleagues.
“We shall schedule a meeting with our niece after this recording is finished!”
“Ugh… Luna… I love you, but PLEASE let me deal with my own issues on my own?”
“Frankly, your moon mom might be onto something, J-corn.”
Starlight? Why did you come to audit me today? All my recordings have been submitted on time!
“Well, I just wanted to see how it's going, and you need to correct Luster Dawn’s temporal magic exam… you didn’t get to that yet.”
“I was going to say I can’t do everything at once, but I CAN, since I can pause time. I got busy with other things. Sorry. I do know she isn’t that strong with time freezing…”
“No worries, carry on!”
Did… did she just teleport in on us and then leave?
“Yes, she did. Proceed, my little J-corn. We are sure everypony wants to see what happens next!”
What does that marine biologist say? Good grief!
***
It was time for Dusk Star’s favorite class. It is one everypony must take, regardless of degree, and most of his peers hate it with a passion. Pony hermeneutics! Most Jewish students around the world are extremely good at this because of the years of Talmudic study that honed this innate talent. Dusk Star is no exception.
“Welcome back everypony and Happy Hearths' Warming!” Professor Violet Breeze says.
The entire class (with various degrees of enthusiasm) echoed the greeting back.
“Today we shall be analyzing the impact “Winter Wrap Up” had on the cultural zeitgeist of the West during the early run of FiM, when your parents were still fillies and colts! I assume you all remember which episode this is, correct?”
“Season 1, Episode 11.” Mandarin pipes in from the back of the class.
“Correct! Somepony has been reading my lecture notes!”
As Violet Breeze droned on and on about the different lyrics of winter wrap up and their cultural significance, Dusk Star was too interested to notice that somepony poured some powder into his morning coffee using unicorn telekinesis.
“It is odorless and tasteless, he won’t know what hit him!”, Double Helix says to herself, chuckling.
Bone Breaker gave her a thumbs up. Sadly, even Mandarin Orange didn’t notice this act of deception, because she needed to pass this class.
Stirring his coffee with his magic after pouring some hazelnut creamer into it, he began to sip at it, finishing when the class was halfway through.
“Okay. Last lyrical analysis and then class is dismissed. Applejack sings: “No easy task to clear the ground, Plant our tiny seeds, With proper care and sunshine, Everyone it feeds,” What do you think these lyrics mean? Bone Breaker, you haven’t shared anything useful as of late. Please enlighten us!”
“Uhh… something something… something about plants being good for everypony?”
Everypony quietly laughs. He isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Mandarin Orange raises her hand.
“Yes, you may reply in Bone Breaker’s stead.”
“Well, “Seeds” can also refer to offspring. Since the springtime is also mating season for most animals, including ponies, “plant our tiny seeds’ may refer to the renewing cycle of life found in Equestria! This is extremely fitting for springtime!”
Dusk was impressed. Even he didn’t think of that comparison! It’s actually of biblical origin! Even more so he should have connected the dots!
“Not bad, Miss Orange! Not bad… The official FiM guidebook, published in 2024, actually lists this as the canon interpretation for this lyric. Good for you!”
“That damn uber-poni is making everypony around him super smart! I am so happy I gave the son of a mare a quick reality check!” Double Helix thinks to herself, wondering if the powder she made is working yet.
“Alrighty. Class dismissed, and a happy Hearths' Warming to everypony!”
As everypony left the classroom, Mandarin Orange tapped Dusk on the shoulder.
“There’s a Hearths' Warming party at Cheese Sandwich’s Fun Emporium… I think you are nice, and the invite calls for students to come in pairs, so…”
“I would love to go, Miss Orange.”
“This isn’t a date , I just… I just need a stallion to go with. I am sure you understand.”, blushing, with her tangerine colored eyes trying not to look at Dusk. She wants to date him, but her C-AI-Dence AI unit says “slow burn” is better.”
“I’m fully aware of that. Don’t worry, I promise that there will be none of the unusual drama that comes with being an Alicorn.”
“Perfect. I am sure you know the way. Don’t teleport or crash on the way there! See you at 6! Quick warning, at Cheese’s Fun Emporium, cider flows like water, and “Pinkie’s Candy” is available. Don’t mess with that stuff!”
“Remind me, what’s that stuff again?”
“You lucky stallion… your mom must have been very strict. It’s an amphetamine, almost identical to meth, but Pinkie Pie approved for parties! Still illegal under the Controlled Substances Act, though!”
“That’s right. I’ve heard of the stuff, but I’ve never been interested in it.”
“Well… my brother Clementine OD’ed on it a few years ago… so I’ve always been advocating for everypony to avoid it. I need to carry on his memory. He was so kind… but he wanted to fit in. It cost him his life. ”
***
Footnote everypony. Don’t do drugs. Even if you are a magical pony or Huqine. They are not good for you, and hurt those you love the most, not to mention are against the law.
***
Mandarin Orange did something stupid, but she needed to do it. She pecked Dusk on the cheek in a rather cute, platonic way.
“See you there!” She said, running off leaving Mike confused. Didn’t she just say she wasn’t interested in this being a “date”?
“I do think that your C-AI-Dence wants things to go slow… But you’re wanting to go a bit faster… Well, I’m not gonna push. Ugh, my head…”
Mike then proceeds to get a text on his phone from Twilight, with a rather cute Hearths' Warming card attached to it. It was a family picture they took a few weeks ago, before Rosh Hashana, and Twilight fell asleep in Dusk’s lap, like a puppy.
“From your little pony, Twilight Sparkle”
His heart melted at the sight as he sighs and continues to his next class.
“I put a spell on him so I see his vitals” Double Helix whispers to Bone Breaker in the hallway.
“His heart rate is nominal, and his magical energy is dropping exponentially. I listened to Building Block and left his Earth Human power intact, but everything else is receding as planned! I did my part of the deal, can I leave now?”
“Yeah, yeah Helix. I have no quarrel with you. In the meantime, we can finally beat him up!” Bone Breaker cracks his knuckles and begins to approach Dusk Star.
“Hey dingus. Heard you and your whore of a girlfriend are going to the Hearths’ Warming party tonight. Too bad she’s bucked every stallion in school before playing the sweet girl. She thinks getting an alicorn laidwill help her forget that I sold her brother that Pinkie’s Candy...”
Ugh… this jerk again...
“I’m not about to deal with you, B.B.”
“Hate to break it to you, Dusk, but Bone Breaker is telling the truth. She gave me a night out for 50 bucks last year. And she has an OnlyMares! How stupid are you!” Building Block says, opening his phone and showing Dusk what Bone Breaker said to be the truth.
Leaning in and looking at the pictures, he smirked while glancing at the assembled group.
“Even if that’s true, her behavior shows that she truly regrets what she did. At least I’ll be the last stallion for her.”
“Well don’t come crying to me when you get a whole assortment of illnesses from her. Heard somepony got AIDS from her. Such a slut!”
Not wanting to hear any more about this smear campaign against Mandarin, he walks away.
“I’m not a garbage can, so throw your trash elsewhere. Also, I don’t think Mandarin is really the picture-taking harlot you think she is. You, guilting her into feeling responsible for her brother’s death? How sick are you!?”
Bone Breaker tears a piece of concrete out of the wall using his Earth human strength and throws it at Dusk Star.
“Eat this, Jew Boy!”
Now Bone Breaker hit a new low… even with Friendship at an all time high, antisemitism is still a problem in Huquine society. Even his bully friends think this was too far!
Inexplicably, he dodged the unexpected attack, and when he tried to raise a shield…
“This isn’t good!”
“Looks like somepony lost his MOJO… you are just like all of us now. How does it feel?”
“L-l-like somepony else is a jealous jerk.”
And using his still higher-than-normal Earth human attributes, he was able to make a quick escape.
“... Later. Can’t do anything with the rest of his goons around… Got to get back home!”
“Yeah, run like the pussy you are! Just wait until I find your filly and kill her!” Bone Breaker says, with full intention of actually killing the poor pony.
Interested to see how far her concoction limits Dusk’s power. Double Helix searches for his energy, strangles him in a telepathic hold and brings him back to Bone Breaker.
“You might have doomed us all, BB.” Double Helix says, noticing Dusk’s eyes having become more animalistic. Nopony gets away with threatening his daughter and lives to tell the tale in one piece!
“Who’s the powerhouse now, Dusk?!” Bone Breaker says as he begins pummeling Dusk into the ground, as he just floats there helplessly.
Feeling multiple bones break and shatter, he attempts to break out, but still finds his movements being restrained.
“Tw… Twi… Da- Oof! ughter I- UGH! I love y… you… She… ma… ”
Unbeknownst to either Mike or his filly. Their bond exists beyond a mere father/child connection. Apparently, Twilight is able to sense if somepony she loves is in jeopardy!
“Grandma Magnus!” Twilight says urgently to Mike’s mother over the Uni-phone.
“Hi sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“Somepony is beating Daddy to a pulp, and took away his alicorn magic! I don’t know how, but he’s in danger. Am I allowed to intervene?”
Ms. Magnus begins to panic over the phone and promptly teleports to the house.
“By all means, as long as you don’t kill anypony.”
“That’s all the approval I need!” She hugs her grandmother and bolts out the window, flying faster than ever before.
His vision growing darker and darker as mocking laughter echoes in his ears, he nevertheless continues his weakened attempts in escaping while reciting the Shema.
“Where’s your false god? Where’s your power? Both are fake, and your god is ME now, ya hear? You… are… my… PUPPET!” Bone Breaker taunts, adding some kicks into the attacks.
“Don’t know about any gods, but he has a daughter, and she is pissed!” Somepony says, breaking the window of the university, purple magic enveloping her completely.
Everypony except Bone Breaker runs away. They only helped him because of blackmail. He had damning secrets on almost everypony in school and threatened to release them if they didn’t do his bidding. For example, Double Helix is usually a good student, but she cheated on one Pony Hermeneutics test and Bone Breaker found out, along with… Other things.
“Ah… if it isn’t the princess of friendship herself . You are next! Fluttershy taught me to be kind, so I will permit you to say goodbye to your daddy before I end him .”
“I don’t think my Daddy is going to die today! Double Helix! Get your butt over here!” Twilight says in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“C… COMING!” She cries, scared out of her wits.
“You seem like a smart mare, so I assume you did some sort of DNA altercation on my daddy. You made a mistake, and that mistake is going to save him.”
“Go… go on?”
“Due to a variety of factors, including my daddy’s Jewish origins, he is not 100% Earth human. He has less than 1% unicorn variance. If you had known that, his powers would be totally gone. BUT, you screwed up, which means that in… hold on… thirty seconds he will be good as new! Bone Breaker, if I was you, I would call Lord Tirek and ask for your money back!”
“ Really? You are the brainy one, then! Go on!” Double Helix says, taking out her notebook and begins to write down everything Twilight will say.
“In fact… this variance will actually augment his power in some 20 seconds or so to levels never before seen. If you think Alicorn Daddy is a problem, just wait until you get SUPER Alicorn Daddy! Celestia herself would quake under her hooves with this kind of power!”
Fifteen seconds.
Bone Breaker doesn't care about any of this and continues to beat the living daylight out of Mike.
“Even if this horse is telling the truth, you’ll be dead before that happens!”, taking another piece of concrete and aiming for Mike’s jugular vein.
Ten seconds.
“Any last words, Dusk Star the Broken? I promise to piss on your grave when this is all over. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
Five seconds.
“Get everypony away from him ASAP. I do believe he's about to go nuclear!”
Four Seconds…
Three Seconds…
Two Seconds…
One second…
Just as Bone Breaker was centimetres away from Mike’s Jugular vein…
ZERO.
***
Aw yeah, this is gonna be good. Ma, want any popcorn?
“Well of course, J-corn. One moment and we shall procure some for the two of us!”
“Make that three ponies! I love good action scenes. It’ll make this story 20% cooler!”
Please knock next time, Rainbow Dash. Didn’t Rarity give you etiquette lessons?
“Yeah, but why pay attention to those? Everypony in the Wonderbolts acts cool. I like Rarity as a friend, but she’s a bit too posh sometimes.”
You’re telling me...
“Popcorn time! Let us watch the battle unfold. Huzzah!”
***
With his veins glowing from his magic, the second the concrete contacted his skin it spread through it and blasted it into pieces while blasting Bones through the wall, and several others behind it as well, right out of the School of The Studies of Friendship.
Floating up with everything perfectly healed, he opened his eyes, now completely neon white.
“NOW WILL YOU STOP BOTHERING US, BONE-HEAD!?”
“NOT A CHANCE IN TARTARUS! ”
Using his momentum, he used a tree to slingshot him back, destroying the tree and blocking the street in the process.
Whatever else he was going to do or say was halted with a feathery slap that wrapped around his head and slammed him into the floor.
Intansantously, he leaped up and delivered a blow straight into Michael’s jaw, propelling him a mile or so into the atmosphere.
“Ouch… This guy actually hurts! Then again, I don’t want to end up destroying the whole school. Better move this fight somewhere else.”
He then noticed B.B flying through the air towards him.
“Although that works, as well. Never realized he was this strong though...”
He halted his thoughts long enough to charge up his obsidian-black horn and deliver a punishing blast of scalding magic, enough to hurt but not permanently harm.
Wrapping an arm around his neck, he flys them downwards faster and faster till everything around them were blurs.
“Surrender!”
“NEVER!”
“THAT WASN’T AN OPTION!”
Setting up a cylindrical shield that went into the earth at the bottom, Dusk spins around until they were blurs themselves, then flings a screaming B.B straight down, causing him to dig deeply into the crust without causing further destruction on the surface.
Landing beside his daughter, he wrapped his arms and wings around her.
“I’m safe now, daughter. I’m alright.”
"The hell you are!! "
Bursting through the floor, Bone Breaker delivered a series of haymakers onto an… amused and grinning Michael.
"Had enough? Don't answer that."
Reaching out, Dusk Star gripped his throat and choked him into unconsciousness.
***
...
"WHAT?! THAT'S IT!?"
Yeah, Dusk wants to keep things safe, and nopony should be seriously hurt, even if Bone Breaker is a jerk.
“LAME. What is that “anime” thou keepeth referencing? Jay-Jay’s Bizarre something?”
JOJO’S BIZARRE ADVENTURE , ma, and no, this wasn’t a [STAND BATTLE], this was more like something out of a different anime called “Dragon Ball Z”. I still have a few Earth references to go over with you, but nopony in Equestria will get them, so let’s just keep going.
“Not a bad idea, that fight scene was 20% lamer than I would have thought. C’mon timeline, show Dashie some cool stuff!”
Ya want cool, Rainbow Dash? How’s an attack that can wipe an entire continent off the planet? Saddle up, you two, things are going to get really good right now!
***
"DUSK STAR TIME!! DUSK STAR TIME!! DUSK STAR TIME!! DUSK STAR TIME !!"
"Wha- Guys, guys! Please! I'm telling you that-!"
"Horseapples! You put Bone Breaker in his place and freed his lackeys from his influence! Tell us how!!"
"You guys are all horrible people, you know that?! "
Stepping off of the stage at Cheese Sandwich's Fun Emporium to playful boos, heckling, and sincere encouragement, he made his way to the Watering Hole, where Mandarin Orange was waiting with their drinks.
“Orange juice with a hint of vodka. My personal recipe. I mean, I got my cutark from citrus gene splicing, so… consider this a taste of the Orange family! Hope you like it!”
“Thanks!”
Mandarin takes a minute to puzzle out Dusk Star’s Cutark on his left hand.
“Speaking of Cutarks… While my family is Jewish, we don’t practice and I don’t know that much. My grandparents fled from the Soviet Union in the 1980s, so they were really assimilated. I’ve always wanted to know more. What is your Cutark?”
“Well, I’ve always wondered about that myself. The best I’ve been able to figure out is that the question mark, combined with Twilight’s cutark and the Star of David, means that I’m really good at finding the Magic of Friendship in Torah and vice versa? The Shema, on the other hand… I know there’s no wasted symbols in anypony’s cutark, but I’m truly at a loss regarding it’s meaning in relation to the other ones.”
“Well, that answer is more than I ever learned, so thank you, Dusk Star. Always love learning something new. By the way, the last time I came over, your filly gave me a hug while you were out buying groceries! She is so sweet! Much sweeter than the Twilight in the show, mind you! Is it because she’s younger?”
He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment.
“Heh, thanks. As for the question, I have no idea. I think it’s because she has had a wonderful group of good influencers in her life. Shy Tree, me, my mom, you …”
“Between you and me, Dusk, it would be pretty cool if Twi grew a bit bigger. I have always wanted to fly… And well… humans are bad at upper body strength, alicorn or no alicorn… so I am not gonna bug you.”
He raises an eyebrow at her.
“Why would you need upper body strength when you have magic ? Just say the word and I’ll effortlessly levitate you anywhere you want!”
“Because Twilight told me your magic is finite! If you use too much you get tired. Even SHE gets tired from using magic too much!”
“She did and does? I wonder why she never told me either of those two tidbits …?”
“Well, I did the math. I am 69 kg, so you only need to use that much force to levitate me… if you want, that is? Besides, you are a bit drunk now, I’d recommend doing this stunt another time. Hehehehe!”
Grinning, he then pretends to be outrageously and embarrassingly drunk, snapping to attention when the bartender lightly tapped the counter with a finger.
“Alright you two, get a room. There’s one or two free upstairs. Otherwise, keep it safe for everypony else.”
“Wait a sec… if you can use magic… Can you magically sober yourself?”
He shrugs as he takes another large sip while munching on a candy glass bottle.
“Don’t know, but I don’t think I would want to find out… Hmm… I wonder how drinks would taste in Equestria…?”
“Well, one thing’s for sure. Applejack will HATE my guts because I am an Orange. Frankly her family’s truce with the Pear clan in “A Perfect Pear” is sweet, but doesn’t extend to Oranges… oh well!”
“That would suck because you’re a person worth meeting and becoming friends with!”
“Are you TRYING to make me kiss you on our first da-?!”
Wait, she spoke too much too quickly.
‘Sorry, I am not following C-AI-dence’s instructions. Slow Burn Mandarin… Slow Burn…’
***
“ Slow Burn. Prithee tell what this fascinating term is?”
You think I know Luna?!? I am a single time alicorn stallion who’s never been on a date in his life!
“We shall investigate this nomenclature at a later point in time. Madam Rainbow Dash, doth thou knoweth the meaning of “Slow Burn”?”
“Uhh. I read Daring Do for fun, not much fire burning slowly in that. MAYBE it’s something love related? I mean, I date Soarin but he’s not really a romantic, so… I don’t really know a lot about this.”
Well everypony, I guess Jewnicorn is stumped today.
“Slow burn is when characters fall in love naturally and it doesn’t seem forced.”
“Well hello egghead, fancy seeing you invade J-corn’s AWESOME library.”
“Dashie, behave! I get a signal whenever somepony has a question, especially if it is one of the Mane Six! I came as fast as I could. Continue your story, J-corn!”
Well, you heard Twilight…
***
While Mandarin was having her internal dialogue, Michael was sipping his drink and watching the television.
‘Hm… Threats against Synagogues, Equestrian Experience Centers, and The Dark Side of Equestria… Shame. Too bad nopony can truly get along… We are getting there… But, just like with me and M.O, it’s a slow burn getting there… ’
Looking out of the corner of his eye, he notices Mandarin refocusing on her surroundings.
‘It’s now or never . Come on, Michael ‘Dusk Star’ Magnus!’
He slid a bit closer to her, not wanting to drive her away.
She backs away a bit.
“But-.”
“What do you want? Not your parents, not C-AI-dence, you.”
“Well… ever since my brother Tangerine died from that Pinkie’s Candy overdose… I’ve been really lonely. Bone Breaker wasn’t lying when he said I slept with every stallion in school. I never made an OnlyMares, though. I did it to forget the pain, and maybe make some loser happy for five minutes. With you… I feel different, I feel like a mare again, not a workpony or a slave! I just don’t want to be alo-. ”
He passionately kissed her straight on her mouth.
“Please shut up, Orange. I don’t care about your past actions, I only care about what you’ve been doing to better yourself since then.”
“AWWWWWWW!!”
The crowd around them actually shook the building slightly.
“Yes, yes, yes, all of you, we gave you a cute show. Now please …”
He makes a ‘turn around’ motion, which they politely did.
“I don’t know if it’s the alicorn in you or the person in you, but you are something else. Try figuring out that sobering spell. I don’t want anypony walking or flying home drunk. Besides, using magic to let me fly home would be cool!”
“Don’t worry! Believe it or not, I’ve actually gotten close to being drunk, and my mom honestly can’t tell the difference between drunk me and normal me. Of course, that was only because we were at a friend’s house… So, Equestria. What would you do there?”
“Well. Start an actual orange grove, DUH! I just work with seeds and germination because Indiana is too cold. My parents have a greenhouse with young plants, but nothing that can bear fruit. I even made my own hybrid orange when I was 10! I called it the Spur’s Mandarin!”
“Cool . The only thing I was doing at that age was trying to replicate Painted Tray’s father in growing a whole grove of different species of trees all at once using serums, DNA splicing, literal smoke and mirrors, and other stuff… Ended up creating a super-massive tree that the local C.M.C is still using as their headquarters… Even named the stupid thing after me…”
“Wait … this gave me an idea. If you are a superhuman alicorn, what are the odds you can actually cross universes? I mean… Twilight lives in your house, so it’s definitely possible! Imagine both of us as real ponies! ”
The Lunar Archives: Earth M.M
It's Bigger on the Inside
“Yeah… How… How… Ohno… I’ve got to get out of here!”
“W..wait, why? We didn’t even slow dance yet!” Mandarin says with a pouty face.
Dusk’s body began to tremble as he struggled to teleport out, but it only came out as pure magical bursts that destroyed parts of the bar. Gripping his head, he tried to stop the rush of memories of their times together.
The first time they met.
When they worked on their first science project.
When she first defended him from Bone Breaker.
When they helped each other with their respective homework.
On and on it went.
“Arrrggh… dang U mutation’s acting up again. What’s the antidote he told me about?”
“Greetings, Mandarin Orange.” a familiar regal voice says, straight out of Dusk Star’s watch.
“Ah, Celesti-AI. What is the antidote to this again?”
“Time… nothing else works. He did say classical music slows down the symptoms (sometimes), but only time can disperse it.”
***
“Well, what are you waiting for, dingus! Stop being The Watcher and save his ass!”
Rainbow Dash… the last time I poked my muzzle into another timeline, I almost ENDED it. I must observe, not interfere.
Nopony is aware of our influence yet. I mean, theoretically, they could, because they know about the multiverse, but…
“J-corn knows what he is doing. Nopony will mess with us in the castle of the Night.”
You’re damn right about that, moon mom!
“Change of plans, J-corn. You ARE going to interfere, but not directly.”
Well well well, if it isn’t my annoyingly cute colleague Princess Twilight Sparkle. What do you need me to do?
“Make a wormhole. Dusk Star’s magic is going to tear the bar apart. Send him, his girlfriend, mini-me, and Glittering Star to EQ/MM. Do it now! I know you can, AND I know you have the coordinates.”
And my contract is still good? Are we still incognito?
“Well, yeah. You are incognito. Everypony will just think it’s Dusk’s magic reacting negatively. Goferit!”
“As thy mother, we concur with our fellow alicorn princess. Tear a hole in spacetime and save them!”
Don’t sue me for 4th-dimensional malpractice… here goes nothing…
--- .--. . -. .. -. --. / - .... . / .-- --- .-. -- .... --- .-.. . / -. --- .-- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / .-- --- --- --- ... ....
***
As Dusk Star attempted to contain himself, he realized that he wouldn’t be able to, and if he was to unleash it either into the ground or the sky, he would end up either annihilating the whole North American continent or superheating the atmosphere, thus destroying the surface either way.
“Space. It’s the only p-place I can unleash this safely!”
“.-- --- .-. -- .... --- .-.. . .-.-.- . -..- . / .. ... / -. --- .-- / .-. ..- -. -. .. -. --. .-.-.- / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / . -. - . .-. / - .... . / .--. --- .-. - .- .-.. --..-- / .. ..-. / -.-- --- ..- / ...- .- .-.. ..- . / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .-.. .. ..-. . .-.-.-”
“What… Dusk, did you hear that? Sounds like beeping!” Mandarin says.
I guess anypony can hear my morse code?
“What are you-? Do we-? SCREW IT! GRAB MY HAND AND DON’T LET GO!”
Took a while for Portal.exe to load in their timeline, but it did, eventually. A simultaneous portal opened at the magnus household, where the same encrypted message is being played to Glittering Star and Twilight.
“Any idea what or who sent this thing?” Mandarin asks as she grabs Dusk’s hand and runs through the portal, Shy Tree close behind.
“DON’T ASK ME! ASK THE ONE WHO SENT IT WHEN WE GET THERE!”
***
“Grandma! What is this thing? Why is it beeping?!”
“I don’t know sweetie, but I know Morse Code. I’d listen to it, run through the thing, and close your eyes!”
***
Well, that was too easy. They ran through the portal, which closed behind them.
Good thing I will run a reboot spell preventing the attack from damaging the timeline… one second…
... ..- -.. --- / .-. . -... --- --- - / .-.. .- - .. -- . .-.. .. -. . / -.-. --- -. ..-. .. .-. -- / -.-- -..-. -. / -.--
All fixed. Nopony gets hurt on my watch!
“Did… did you just use Mac Terminal commands on the multiverse?”
Yeah Twi, why not? It’s easy enough, and with alicorn magic, it WORKS!
“Good thing we love thee anyways, J-corn… now, let us resume the story the way time intended. We don’t want Starlight to get cross with thee once more!”
Yes, mom… on it! Where were we? Right. New universe! Let’s see what happens to the Magnus crew in Equestria!
***
“WHOA!! What the feathering buck happened to us?” Mandarin exclaimed.
Like anypony not accustomed to quantum jumping (so, almost everyone) she was startled.
“...Daddy!” Twilight says flying into her father’s arms, embracing him with all of her might.
“Michael Magnus… What in G-d’s name happened to us?” Glittering Star exclaims.
Obviously, this is not good, for she almost never uses Dusk’s actual, human name.
“STAND BACK EVERYONE. NOW!!”
And with a scream from the depths of his gut, he unleashed everything he could into the atmosphere in a concentrated beam of neon white energy from his body, lightning flashing around him.
“OKAY… WHAT THE BUCK WAS THAT?!” Somepony exclaims, teleporting to the group.
Now, who was this mystery pony? I would say Celestia, but she was a person with pony features, like, actual pony features not Huquine pony attributes! She has a tail, wings, and a horn, and she is built like an Amazonian warrior!
“P… princess Celestia?” Twilight says from Mandarin's side, a bit confused but excited to see somepony who looks like her teacher.
“This is quite odd, indeed. You LOOK like my former pupil, and you SOUND like my former pupil, but you aren’t Twilight Sparkle. She would look more like a mix of whoever this monkey is that is holding you and you. I’ll get to that in a minute, first, though… Monkey with magic, what have you done in my kingdom? The pegasi work SO hard to arrange those clouds and there you go messing up weeks of work!”
This Amazonian Celestia stares directly at Dusk Star, who for some reason, doesn’t have his “ponied up” form activated, so he DOES look like a “monkey with magic” to this Celestia wannabe.
On his part, he still wasn’t paying attention, just realizing that he needed his horn to fully focus the beam of death.
“DON’T. WANT TO. DESTROY. WHATEVER. PLANET. WE’RE ON! MUST, GROW. HORN!”
Quickly and painfully doing so, he grabs “Celestia” and hurls her into a shield behind which he placed everyone else.
“SORRYIFIDESTORYYOURPLANET!!”
“Wait… pony humans? ” Mandarin thinks to herself.
“Yeah… pony humans.” Twi replies.
“You can read minds? Why am I not surprised…”
“Ah, so the monkey can play pretend… this is QUITE similar to Alicorn magic.”
“That’s because it IS Alicorn magic!” Mandarin pipes in.
Her statement was proven when he grew his horn and wings, unleashing a beam of magic five times stronger than before, infusing the atmosphere with more magic than it ever handled before, and causing his girlfriend, mom, and daughter to begin absorbing magic for the first time to compensate.
“So, Mr monkey. You invade my kingdom, throw me across a field, and now wish to do battle? You are a strange lot.”
“Princess! We don’t know how we came here! Honestly!” Twilight pipes in.
“Well… before I decide to kill anypony… since you look like my former student, I will ask you the questions. Why do you care for the ape? Why does the ape and his concubine have cutie marks? Does the concubine know magic? I have so many questions .”
“What. Did you say. About my GIRLFRIEND, YOU-?!”
With a strength he never knew he had, he grabbed the magic he pumped into the planet and forcefully drew it back into himself, causing his body to grow brighter and brighter until everyone had to block their eyeballs from getting blinded.
When everyone could see once again, it turned out that his effort to both expel and withdraw his magic caused him to become very, very naked while his wings and horn gained a light shimmer to them.
“... Don’t. Say. A word. I know. I know. Does anyone happen to have clothing?”
“Well, it seems as if your concubine won’t be-.”
“A CONCUBINE?! I. AM NOT. A CONCUBINE!!”
Her complaint shook the very planet with her magic.
“As you wish, ape. I will use the power of the sun to end you in an instant!”
“NOPONY IS KILLING ANYPONY!” Somepony new says, teleporting over to the group and tapping the Amazonian Celestia on the shoulder while magically dressing Dusk with a simple light and dark green cloak.
“Ah, Sunset Shimmer, my favorite pupil. What brings you here?”
“Well, it’s not every day that ponies from another timeline come for a visit. The energy signatures are off the charts, and is… Is that e-equine, T-T-Twilight?” Sunset says while visibly holding back tears and picking her up with her hands.
“Um… hello?”
“I think you are her. Y-you have the same b-biometrics with d-different t-timestamps. Y-y-you ARE her…! T-T-Twilight! ”
Almost everyone was shocked when she hugged her like a long-lost friend or family.
“Alright , enough meet and greet. Why is there an ape using alicorn magic?”, “Celestia” asks her pupil.
Visibly holding back a death glare, she hesitatingly gives her back to her father while stepping back.
“Well… I need to do some tests, but I think they modified their DNA with pony traits? Why? I don’t know!”
Mandarina and Dusk answered at the same time,
“It’s because we of the human race wanted to better demonstrate the Magic of Friendship, and so we modified our bodies to be better, stronger, and faster in every way possible.”
“But messing with the natural order always ends up hurting everypony. Why would you do that?”, “Celestia” questions further.
“I got this, Daddy!” Twilight says to her father, approaching a teary Sunset and the “Celestia” warrior queen.
“Well, do ponies here get vaccines?” She asks rhetorically.
“Of course we do!” “Celestia” replies, aghast somepony would question such an important medical fact.
“Well, that's messing with the natural order, giving immunity when there shouldn’t be any. Same with this!”
And with that, the filly smirks, sticks out her tongue and flies back towards her father, tongue still out.
Aghast, “Celestia” stutters while trying to retort, but her student beats her to it while giving her a secret grin.
"You say that, but then, what about you? You aren't, "human". How did you get involved with, well, them?"
"I was somehow teleported to their universe and de-aged seven years ago. He's been taking care of me ever since, and so, he's my dad."
This led to further sputtering and stuttering from "Celestia", while Sunset softly smiled.
"Well, on behalf of the ponies of Equestria, I welcome all of you in Friendship. You all will be given housing, currency, spare clothing, and food, as Friendship behooves us. And your command, My Princess?"
Raising her head in a flawless imitation of a female Blueblood, she scoffs while fixing her hair to hide wiping away a tear.
"A-agreed. We welcome you mo- humans, to the Land of Magic, and Friendship. "
***
Wait… something’s off .
“Yeah, what’s wrong?”
Somepony is barrelling towards this Equestrian timeline at 20x the speed of light, Twilight… and it’s MOM?
“Child. We are right here. Stroke our mane, we are tangible and present in front of thee.”
Not YOU, mom, somepony like you with your biometrics. How many variants do you have?
“Thou art the time pony, not us, why art thou asking us a question thou knoweth the answer to? Dost thou thinketh thou art dumb?”
Well, I gotta admit that the word infinity comes to mind with variants. I’ve met a few, but… this one is crazy powerful!
“Like, she could cut you in half, J-corn!”
Nah… I can deal with that. Anyways, can Mike and company deal with a warrior Luna?
“Speaking of warriors... Thine princess and mother demand cuddles!”
As you wish… love ya mom!
“You two are so cute sometimes! Anyways, while J-corn is being a good colt, I am taking over narrating duties for a bit. Hope everypony doesn’t mind!”
***
Sunset notices yet another energy signature that is foreign to her Equestria and is quite alarmed.
“Dusk Star… since you are not from here, what are the chances somepony followed you? I am picking up a crazy magical energy signal that is coming at twenty times the speed of light in our direction!”
"... No idea, Miss Sunset. I do hope they're friendly…"
And then, another portal opens, revealing somepony quite familiar to you all. The Mistress of Night herself, in full battle regalia!
“WHERE HAVE THOU FOALNAPPED TWILIGHT SPARKLE?!!?”
"Gulp."
"Princess Luna?"
“Thou hast been absent for seven years! What happened?! Everypony thought you dead!! And… thou art an alicorn? How ?!”
"Long story, Your Highness… Long story…"
“Hold on… you look like my sister, but you are ALSO a quadruped. What's going on?!”
“We are thine sister, Tia, but from another timeline. As the filly said, long story.”
She then notices Dusk Star but doesn't notice his horn or wings.
“Prithee tell why this noble young filly is clinging to an ungodly ape!”
"Why you-?! THAT 'UNGODLY APE' IS MY FATHER!!"
“Thine father?! Surely thou art in jest.”
“I 'jest' about nothing! He's my father , take it or leave it!”
“Why, thou art a foalish brat! No wonder our sister enjoyed thine company!”
Gritting her teeth, she breathed in and out, calming herself while clinging even tighter to her father.
“Now, Twilight, pack thy things at once. Everypony misses you. Once we're back, we can re-age thee to a normal state. We need our princess of Friendship!"
"NOT. WITHOUT. HIM. AND. HIS. FAMILY."
"Excuse me, local Princess of Friendship here? Princess Luna, I'm not sure if you recognize me…?"
"We do recognize thee, Sunset Shimmer. Thou were my sister's student before you fled to the human world in our timeline."
"... Huh, you learn something new every day… Anyway, I can see that you and Twi- Princess Twilight are in a bit of a pickle about her father and his family.lacking , since then. M-m-maybe we could solve-solve two problems at once…"
"What art thou suggesting? Art thou suggesting that We leave our Twilight with a complete and total stranger.
Luna then notices something off about Dusk Star. Something that doesn’t sit right with her…
“ Thy… F-f-father… hast wings and a horn?"
"Eyup! He has Alicorn magic! His mom has unicorn magic, his girlfriend has earth pony magic, and his friend Shy Tree has pegasi magic! Where is -?"
"HOW?! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!? SUCH A NOBLE RACE TO BECOME CONTAMINATED WITH-?!"
"IF YOU DARE TO INSULT MY FATHER LIKE THAT ONE MORE TIME, YOUR MAJESTY…!"
"CALM DOWN, BOTH OF YOU!! This is exactly what I meant! No offense, Princess Luna, but your viewpoint is stuck a thousand years in the past! You can't allow new species to have any room in your world, so you outright reject them, even when it only causes trouble for you and your sister's country, right?!"
***
“What libelous nonsense is this, child?!? Our variant accepted thee as a human boy before making thee the noble J-corn! Buck, we even allowed thee to ride us like a mule as a means of acquaintance! We have no quarrel with humans, as lackluster as they may be at times! Thou art living proof of this!”
What did I say about infinite timelines, Luna?
“Yeah, moony, your kid is right. Infinite timelines mean some Lunas are humanophobes .”
Thanks, Twi, you just made things a bit more complicated.
“We apologize for interrupting thee again, sweet J-corn. Please, allow for thy colleague Twilight to continue narrating.”
“As you wish, moony.”
HEY, that’s my mom you’re talking abo-
***
Luna stutters, stammers, and mumbles as Sunset's words force her to involuntarily relive every humiliating experience she inflicted on her sister and herself as she got readjusted to modern-day Equestria.other Lunas would round her out nicely?
"W-w-well… It's, it's n-n-not all the… The…'
She bowed her head and whispered.
'Yes . What is thine idea, Sunset Shimmer?"
"Thank you, Your Highness. My idea is for your Twilight Sparkle to stay with us so that you can slowly become more accustomed to her more radical ideas and behavior instead of having to experience it all at once. The same with her friends, family, and teacher."
“For the record, Princess Sunset, thine claim of discrimination is facetious at best, and hypocritical at worst! We just heard Tia refer to Dusk Star as a monkey! In OUR Equestria, Tia insisted we include non-ponies in treaties, tort law, and everyday life, yet all we see now are weird bipedal ponies! Hmph!”
Luna has every right to complain. She doesn’t like hypocrites!
Sunset, on the other hand/hoof, bristles slightly while keeping her mouth shut.
‘You weren’t here when my “teacher” called them monkeys… Nevertheless, I’ll continue keeping my mouth shut till you’re gone. And so help me if you insult them again!’
“Well, Miss Luna, I am an Earth human, and I like Dusk, he’s so cute! We aren’t corrupting anypony’s DNA today.” Mandarin says, holding her new stallionfriend’s hand.
“We are not thy schoolmate or close peer, we are a PRINCESS! Treat us with respect or face our wrath!” Luna says, horn at the ready to fire a blast. She really needs to work on her temper.
“I’ll respect you if you show respect to us. Golden Rule, ever heard of it?” Mandarin retorts, enjoying this slight altercation.
“Excuse me, you two? Princess Luna, with all due respect to the throne you sit on: Shut up. Mandarin, honey? Please don’t stir things up further.”
“Keep it up, dad! Friendship ambassador training paid off for you!” Twilight says, hugging Dusk Star again.
“Hmm. thou art an “alicorn” with noble intentions, Dusk Star. We respect that. De-escalation of conflict is crucial in crown politics.”
“Well, since you ARE my sister, Luna, and quantum jumping must make one tired, how about you come over to Canterlot for the night? We have all the food you like, even the waffles shaped like crescent moons you used to eat as a filly.” “Celestia” says with a hidden smile.
Princess Luna blushed. Apparently, the moon waffles are a multiversal thing.
“T...tia. Please, I am a grown mare… Did thou sayeth waffles? Count us in!”
“That took a grand total of two seconds, daddy. What is up with Princess Luna, anyways?”
Michael shrugged while Mandarin pitched in her own two bits.
“You think I know, Twilight? I don’t know you that well, how would I know about a parallel Luna?”
Meanwhile, as Glittering Star walked up towards the group, about to ask something crucial, a young boy with scales wearing a purple backpack is spotted in the distance by Twilight.
“Daddy? Is… is that Spike, but as a person?”
“Looks… Looks like it.”
Out of nowhere, yet another portal opened up, spitting out, of all people, Shy Tree!
***
Mom… did you run the Terminal again? We have to keep this to a bare minimum!
“We must concede that yes, the terminal codes were accessed once more. It would have been a shame for Dusk Star to be without his closest friend during this adventure!”
“Luna… only J-corn can use the terminal! You know that. You can mess with their dreams if you want!”
Twilight… you have no idea how much hassle it was to bring my Macbook from /03 to Equestria and mod it to run UniCode…
“Didn’t Vinyl Scratch help you with that?”
Maybe? I don’t know anypony outside of this room that well!
***
Dusk helped him up.
“SHY TREE!? What are you doing here?!”
“I followed you from the bar! Wha-... No. Don’t tell me we’ve ended up in-!”
“No, we have not . They didn’t even know about humans before us!”
“Whew… I was worried I might have had to pretend to be stupid and wear a col-.”
Mandarin quickly tired of this.
“Stop. We don’t need more what-if’s, just what-now’s. Now, to ask the obvious, what now ?”
“Food and rest. Follow my teacher and she’ll guide you to the castle. For me, on the other hand, I have to catch up on my studies. I will get to know you all better during dinnertime! See you then!”
She disappeared in a flash.
Luna, noticing that almost everypony left is able to fly or teleport, begins to feel some pity towards Mandarin Orange. She has an idea, but is not sure if the Earth Human will agree.
“Mandarin Orange, was it? We have a proposition for thee.” Luna says, approaching the Earth human.
“And what would that be?” She replies, unsure where Luna was going to take this idea.
“We are a fair distance from Canterlot, around a half day's gallop. That is, assuming this reality’s Equestria is to scale with our own. Doth thou wish to get there in a faster, more exciting manner? Thou art the only pony here who cannot fly or teleport.
Mandarin likes where this is going. She REALLY likes where this is going!
“We are offering this flight service in exchange for those heavenly waffles!”
She hid a grin while nodding in agreement. Luna then turns towards Dusk.
“Dusk Star. As the mate of Mandarin Orange, thou art responsible for her wellbeing under tradition. Doth thou object to this proposition?” Luna says, spawning a parchment and a long written contract, along with two quills.
“Luna, we aren’t in Middle Canterlot anymore! We don’t need to do written contracts for favors!” “Celestia” says, chuckling at Luna fumbling to sign the parchment with her royal seal before sending the quill to Dusk.
"Don't listen to her, Miss Luna. I'll gladly sign."
“We have met humans before, and are somewhat accustomed to thine custom of “riding”. We merely ask that thou restrain from pulling at our mane, Mandarin.”
Mandarin was trying not to scream like a little girl. She’s going to fly . She’s happy she’s an Earth Human, but sometimes she wishes that she was born a pegasus human instead.
“Celestia” was a bit amused by this whole situation. It makes sense, in a way. Since her universe’s ponies are bipedal, this contract would not work unless somepony from a different Equestria was a co-signatory.
“Dusk Star, do humans do this with their ponies?” “Celestia” asks, confused as Luna and Mandarin are discussing the final details of this agreement.
"Nope. In our universe, they're a step above rocks, except for having feelings and being able to hold grudges and such. They're not sentient."
“Odd… truly odd, especially since this Luna claims to have done this activity before. Luna is quite sentient, indeed.” “Celestia” spreads her wings and begins to fly towards Canterlot.
Using her magic, she lifts Mandarin off the floor and puts her between Luna’s cosmic purple wings.
“We promise to protect thine mate for this voyage, Dusk Star. Thou haveth the word of the Moon herself!” Luna says, awaiting to see if anypony else is going to fly or teleport before she begins to fly.
"I will hold you to that, Your Majesty."
Extending his wings, he gently flies upwards and follows "Celestia" at a steady clip, his daughter and Shy Tree right beside him, and his mom being held firmly in his magical grip.
***
“J-corn, what is it with Luna variants liking human passengers?”
You’d have to ask her yourself, Twilight. I don’t know one bit!
“We find it therapeutic to fly with somepony in close proximity to us, as well as the potential for massages afterward, or in this case, waffles!”
Good thing you haven’t zapped me back into a human to do this with you. I am quite used to flying on my own by now…
“Anyways, I have a country to run, so I am going to leave you two adorable ponies to your own devices! Have fun!”
Well… it’s just us two again… mom, promise me you will leave the Terminal alone now that Shy Tree is in this timeline?
“Ok… we shall abide by thine annoying protocol, solely out of love! Now, thine punishment for annoying us...”
Aww crud, CUT THE CAMERA BEFORE SHE TICKLES ME!
