Chapters Day 1 Part 1/3
So I doubt you will believe anything I have to say, but here I go... I am in Equestria.
Still with me? Splendid! Now, first things first you're probably wondering how I'm writing this and how you are able to read this. Well I'm here (kinda) to tell you that the internet is pandimensional* and most importantly, that magic acts like a giant modem, allowing me to connect to the dimensional wide web anywhere I want. But more on that later.
So now that’s out of the way, you're probably wondering how I got here. Well here’s how it went:
It was a beautiful night but, unfortunately, nothing was happening on the internet or on TV, so I decided to mess around and write a story. No, before you all ask, it was not this one. And also before you ask, no I don't die, no I don't get teleported and end up as a pony, and no I don't become the hero of the planet. Anyways, so I was messing around with my story idea when the lights flickered and all the power went out. Being a religious man, I took this as a sign that God had said “go the fuck to sleep,” so I did.
I had a good dream. Christopher Walken was in it, along with Gilbert Gottfried. Anyway, I awoke the next morning around 6 AM and found that something was wrong, very wrong. My window was wide open, but I always close my window before I go to bed...I've seen way too many horror movies to sleep with it open. So with sleep in my eye and a blanket on my back, I got out of bed to close the window.
With the mission accomplished I laid down to get more sleep when there was a knock at my bedroom door, which was odd because my parents never knock before barging into my room. I got up with the blanket still draped across my back and walked over to my door.
Now I don't have a big room, it’s about fifteen feet squared so the groggy zombie walk to the door didn't take too long. As I got closer to the door, the knocking became louder and more rapid. I hope I'm not the only one, but when I wake up I need some coffee before I become an intelligible member of society, so when I opened the door to complain what came out of my mouth sounded like this:
“Wandudfancadnaljujm.” To any member of my family that would easily be translated as “what you want?” but to the purple unicorn standing on the other side of my doorway it souned like “wandudfancadnaljujm.” Needless to say, that was greeted with a scream and a bit of dust flying into my mouth as she ran away.
I like to think I'm an intelligent man, but when you see a four foot tall pony run away from you, thoughts start going through your head. Thoughts like: ‘what the flying fuck just happened?’ This tends to be followed by more thoughts, the first and most important being: ‘should I go back to bed?’ In this case, the second happened to be: ‘follow the screaming purple unicorn.’ I thought about this long and hard and I came to a conclusion: back to bed, it’s way too early to be chasing four foot tall purple unicorns.
After a few more hours of sleep I awoke around 8 AM and decided to look out my window to see if my deranged fantasy was still there. Sadly, it was. With option one exhausted I only had option two left, so I donned my finest exploring outfit shorts, a baggy shirt, and some flip-flops. Upon venturing out my door I was greeted harshly by the blinding light of the sun, that evil nuclear furnace that haunted the days of a shut-in.
After I regained my sight I discovered that the Sun was the least of my problems; my room was now in the middle of a field not a stone’s throw away from several large thatch-roofed buildings. And I don't mean like King Kong ripped my room out of my house, no...this was perfectly separated. The walls were all there and the roof was intact; in fact it kinda looked like somebody took a scalpel and cut my house up. Damn you giant sky doctors!
Not being one to dwell on that which I can't help I decided to go ask the thatch-roofed people what the hell was going on. Now I will admit that when I started into town I was thrown by the lack of people, but before I had time to delve into that thought the most wonderful scent wafted into my nostrils. Baked goods. In a Peppy Le Pew-esque fashion I followed the delicious aroma to a large gingerbread house. I approached the door and, to my surprise, heard the jovial sounds of happy, peppy people enjoying baked goods. Deciding they should not be deprived of my presence any longer I opened the door and stopped dead in my tracks.
My earlier thoughts of insanity due to sleep deprivation were once again present in my mind as I stared into the face of about twenty multi-colored equines. In an act of desperation I uttered the only phrase that I thought could save me. “Sup?”
The majority of the ponies in the restaurant screamed and ran outside through the back, leaving a path of destruction in their wake, while some of them just hid under the tables. So when you're a horrible monster, what's the only thing you can do? Go back to your room and wait for them to calm down, obviously. And that’s exactly what I did.
Hey, sorry guys but I have to go. I need to clean my house and charge my batteries and then Pinkie said she wanted to watch The Walking Dead on Netflix so I will get back to the story tomorrow. This is The Diabolic Gnome signing off.
Ch2 In which I run away from home
Day 1 Part 2/3
You ever scare a dog or a cat and then try and chase after it yelling, “DON'T RUN I WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!” You haven't? Good. If you did you’re an idiot because that doesn't work. If an animal is scared of you, you slowly back off and remain calm without making any sudden movements. The animal will calm down eventually and approach you. So when a bakery full of ponies ran screaming from me I did exactly that: I backed off and waited for them to calm down.
So after calmly walking back to my room I began to look at the outside of my new house. The two previously exterior walls were intact and looked ok, but the two walls that were previously part of the separating walls in the house were bare of all sheetrock and only the studs remained. Now this wouldn't be a problem if I could run down to Home Depot and get some spackle and sheetrock to fix this, but as of right now there was no place for me to get that. The other problem is that there is no more insulation, so if I'm stuck here a while it’s going to get freezing inside my room. And then there is the electrical issue, that being how I don't have any.
So all in all that had been a really shitty day so far and it was only going to get worse. Just about the time I got back inside and shut my door I heard a sound that I thought would be my salvation: it was my phone and I was getting a message. Now before you say, “don't you need cell reception to get a message?” shut up. It was a message over Steam so I only needed internet connection to get it and yes, this is when I began to realize I could still get online. Instead of telling you what all was said I will post a pic of the conversation.
Solar Eclipse: Dude, why aren't you at school today?
Diabolic Gnome: Uhh extenuating circumstances
Solar Eclipse: The hell is that supposed to mean?
Diabolic Gnome: ... If I could go to school I would
Diabolic Gnome: but I can't
Solar Eclipse: So you finally ran away from your abusive boyfriend?
Diabolic Gnome: no...wat?
Diabolic Gnome: NVM
Diabolic Gnome: bear with me when i say this
Diabolic Gnome: I woke up this morning and Twilight Sparkle was knocking on my door
Solar Eclipse: Sorry, couldn’t hear you over the sound of the impossibility
Diabolic Gnome: dude i'm serious
Solar Eclipse: No srsly, where the hell are you?
Diabolic Gnome: I think Ponyville
Solar Eclipse: horse shit. (see what i did there?)
Diabolic Gnome: Dude i'm serious
Solar Eclipse: yo, your dad just called wondering where the hell you are. They think you ran away or some shit, so I’ll just tell him he’s with talking technicolor ponies
Diabolic Gnome: IM SERIOUS
Solar Eclipse: I wouldn’t believe you as far as I could throw you. And with the weight you gained over the past couple of years... I'd rather put my money on you running away.
Diabolic Gnome: I only weight 120lb you know that right?
Diabolic Gnome: And i didn't run away i told you i'm in a magical land of talking ponies
Solar Eclipse: I'm not very strong
Solar Eclipse: and thats the worst excuse ever
Diabolic Gnome: Fuck it i ran away and you will never see me again happy.
Solar Eclipse: See ya at school tomorrow.
Diabolic Gnome: Fuck you
Sorry but I have to go do some stuff around town, the story will pick up in an hour or two when i get back.
Ch3 In which I get a civilized greeting
Day 1 Part 3/3
Ok, sorry about that this will be the last time that happens. Anyway here’s what happened after I finished talking to my buddy Solar.
A dark sandy colored pony with an almost pitch black mane was slowly making his way to my front door. Oh yeah, and he was also wearing a spiffy vest. He knocked three times at the door before moving back several feet and sitting down on his haunches. I hesitantly opened the door, stuck my head out and said, “hello.”
“Good day. My name is Gold Star and I'm the Sheriff around these parts. It’s common practice when a non-pony species comes to town that I document it and keep a record in case anything happens. I will read off questions and you will give one word answers, no more than one word do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Question 1: what is your species called?”
“Human.”
“Question 2: what is your name?”
“Lee.”
“Question 3: how long will you be staying in Ponyville?”
“Undetermined?” Gold Star glared at me before rolling his eyes and continuing.
“Question 4: Are you an herbivore, carnivore, omnivore, or minavore?”
“Do you own any weapons? If so, produce them so that I may catalog them.” It took me a bit but I found all the “weapons” that I owned and I set them on the ground infront of Gold Star. He reached into his vest, pulled out a camera, and then took a picture of each one of them. Putting the camera away, he took his notepad back out and catalogued them. “One hoof long knife with a half-hoof serrated edge, one two-hoof long knife, one five-hoof long metal bat, one six-hoof long metal bat, and finally one hoof-and-a-half long metal ‘L’.” For those not in the know, a hoof is five inches.
“Last thing: I already know about the incident this morning. The townsponies are known for overreacting but I don't expect it to happen again. Have a nice day.”
After the strangely civilized greeting I decided to try my luck again by venturing into town. And as luck would have it, luck was on my side. How very lucky. I stumbled on to one of the main streets and was greeted by some wary glances by most of the ponies. I decided to head to Sugarcube Corner and try to just hang out around there until i thought of something to do when I heard a trumpet go off right in my ear. Turing to see where the noise came from i saw Pinkie Pie standing in front of a cart.
~Welcome welcome welcome
A fine welcome to you
Welcome welcome welcome
I say how do you do?
Welcome welcome welcome
I say hip hip hurray
Welcome welcome welcome
To Ponyville today~
The pink pony stopped dancing around her cart when suddenly five cakes’ worth of batter blasted out the front of the contraption, spattering both of us with a sticky mess. I stood there for a second, semi-stunned, before I brought my batter drenched hand up to my face in an attempt to clean away the cake that was stuck in my eyes.
“Oh, sorry! I got the cake in the confetti cannon again, here.” I managed to get enough cake out of my eyes to see the pink pony holding a cupcake on a little tray.
“Uhh thanks” I picked up the tiny treat and undid the wrapper. The more of the cupcakes that become exposed the bigger Pinkie's smile got. I lifted up the Cupcake and took a big bite of it. Before I had a chance to swallow pinkie popped into my face.
“How was it hu-hu-hu-hu-huh?”
“It’s really good, hey what's in this by the way?”
“Oh, you know, flour, eggs, chocolate, sugar, the usual stuff.”
My hands began to shake and my eyes dilated. “Did you say.....chocolate?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Fuck.” I started running back to my room as fast as my legs could carry me but I didn't make it too far. My breathing became labored and my sight became blurry as I began to pass out. Now apparently Pinkie followed me and noticed my unconscious body, or at least when she told me she was super hyped up so by this time she was speaking too fast to understand. Anyway, the next thing I remember is waking up gasping for air in the middle of Twilight's library with my epipen sticking out of my leg.
I rolled over onto my side and began to cough for a while, trying to get air back into my lungs. After a minute of deep breathing I reached down and yanked the needle out of my upper leg and set it next to me.
“Uhh hello sir.”
I looked up and saw Twilight standing across the room, and she seemed just as scared of me as the other townsponies were. Before I could say hello a pink mass tackled me. “YOU’RE OK!! Whenyoustartedrunningthenyoufelldownandstartedtwitchingiwasrorriedbutthen-”
A purple aura lifted Pinkie off my chest and set her on the couch next to where Twilight was sitting. “Sorry about that. She gets...excited.”
“Not a problem...thanks for helping me.” I sat up and crossed my legs before picking up the epipen and putting the cap back on. “How do you know how to use this?”
“Oh, that. Well, I'm allergic to nuts so that...” the epipen floated out of my hand and was set on the desk next to Pinkie. “Is actually mine. When Pinkie said the Pants Monster was red and twitching, I brought you back here and used it.”
“Thanks.” We sat there in an awkward silence while Pinkie kept trying to talk through a magic gag. “So I guess I should be leaving now?”
“I suppose so. My name is Twilight Sparkle by the way.”
“I'm Lee.”
And that, kiddies, is how my first meeting with two of the Mane Six went. I almost fucking died but I got to meet them nonetheless. But this installment isn't over yet! I still have one pony left to meet and it’s going to be pretty.
Anyway, back to the story. I quickly got up and left the library before awkwardly shuffling along the street back to my safe haven and bed. But before another pleasant thought could cross my mind I felt a...disturbance. My blood ran cold and my hair stood on end...and then I saw her. There, at the end of the street, was a mint green unicorn with a terrifying smile that stretched across her face from ear to pony ear. I began to take a step back when she blinked out of existence, reappearing right in front of me a second later.
“Helloooooo....” her voice was like that of nails on a chalkboard.
For the second time that day I ran for my life, but this time it was different. I thought I could actually make it back inside my room before the psychotic pony could get her hooves on me.
I ran as fast as my slightly overweight body could go before she blinked in front of me again. I skidded to a halt before losing my balance and landing on my back. There was another flash of green light and the Unicorn appeared on top of me. My meaningless life flashed before my eyes (honestly there was more porn then I’m proud to admit) but before the unicorn could do whatever it was she was trying to do she was pulled off of me by a cream-colored pony.
“Lyra, I told you to be home by five and its five thirty! Dinner’s cold by now.”
“But Bon-Bon, I almost had him! Let me go !!”
“No buts missy! You can chase your friend tomorrow.”
Honestly I don't know whether to call this an authors note or what. But anyways, you guys are just about caught up on my story thus far. There were some days between my capture by the hands...hooves? of Lyra but nothing really happened so I see no point in writing about them. I do have a question, though. How do you guys want me to write these entries, in first or third person? Also I'm still working with Twi on a conversion from my Earth calendar to the Equestrian calendar so I will just be dating these entries as Day 1, Day 2, etc., etc. until I can get a nice conversion done.
Chapter 1: In Which I Attempt to Attain Gainful Employment
Day 3
If you have a job then you probably remember how awkward it was to go into every business in your town and try to get an application turned in before going home and sitting in a dark corner in the fetal position crying yourself to sleep. It is infinitely worse when you previously scared the entire town and are now looking for a job.
The day started with me writing down all the store names that i could remember from the show. Sadly that was only five places: Sugarcube Corner, the library, Sofas and Quills, Carousel Boutique and, last but not least, Sweet Apple Acres. Adding the other places I could think of that a town might need and then removing any position I wasn't qualified to fulfill I finished my list with a grand total of one employment opportunity.
So there I stood in front of the library for the second day in a row. This time, however, I was conscious and not dying of anaphylactic shock. I pushed the door open and inhaled the smell of dust and old books, one of the best smells in the world in case you didn’t know. I stepped into the slightly darkened room and scanned around, my eyes flicking over some of the book titles I could make out from the doorway. Slowly walking around the room I began to mutter some of the names under my breath. I got to the “Lord of the Horseshoe” before a gruff child-like voice called to me.
“Hey, you were that thing that freaked out half the town yesterday right?” I looked down near the end of the bookcase and saw a two foot tall purple and green dragon.
“Yeah sorry about that. Is Twilight In?”
“Yeah, she’s in the back. Just go through that door and you'll see her.”
“Thanks.” I followed the tiny dragon’s directions through a small hallway and a door obviously not made for a 5’9” person. After limboing myself into the back room I looked up just in time to dodge a large book dropping to the floor.
“Oops, sorry! I didn't see you come in...Lee was it?”
“Yeah, don’t worry I’m fine.” I looked up to where the book fell from to see Twilight standing on the wall. “Uhhh...so I have two questions. First off, how are you standing on the wall?”
“With a wall-walking spell I learned from the local photographer for the paper,” she answered matter-of-factly.
“Second, can I have a job?”
“Why would you want a job here?”
“Need food to survive. You pay me money, I use money to buy food.”
“Oh. Well I guess you can work here. You can start by helping Spike with dusting the front room.”
“That’s it? I was expecting...you know, an interview or something.”
“Well, it’s only me and Spike around most of time.”
“ Ah. Well, thanks. How much will I be getting paid?”
“Ten bits a day.”
“I have no idea how much that is but I will take the job. See ya later Boss.”
“Don't call me...” was all I heard as I exited the room to find Spike.
Now I could tell you all about how I spent the rest of the week working in a library dusting and re-shelving and Macgyvering a generator out of a bike, some copper wire, and a magnet at my house to run my stuff but I ain’t gonna because that would be boring as fuck.
So instead I'm going to skip ahead to the part of the story that you are all here for. It begins, well actually about five hours previous. If I skipped to all the good stuff you guys would only have about 200 words to read.
Chapter 2: In Which it Begins
Day 8
I learned many things that first week and a half, most notably that they have five day weeks and twenty hour days in Equestria. Also, socks are apparently some kind of fetish item but more on that later. This part of the story starts at about five in the morning. I couldn't sleep the previous night so I decided to listen to some Caravan Palace on my laptop. For some reason, Pinkie had been hanging with me after work and decided now would be a good time to burst in my window.
“HIIIII-YA!!”
“AHHHH!!” The abruptness of her entrance startled me and sent me sprawling to the floor.
“You're silly Lee.”
“The pain!!” In the journey to the floor my headphones came loose and music began to pour out of the speakers, filling the room with a smooth rhythm. Pinkie jumped up on my chair and sat down in front of my computer.
“Hey Lee, what's this thing?
“It’s a ‘don't touch it’.”
“Aww but I wana touch it!”
“Too bad.” I muttered, standing up and re-adjusting my pants
“Hey, look! A picture of me!” Through sheer luck Pinkie managed to move the mouse to click one of the links in my bookmark bar: the link that would seal my fate. This link (click) . The screen filled with a large picture of Twilight standing next to Rarity. The screen went black and the video started.
Before I could stop it Celestia's voice had already begun to voice over the intro. “Uhh Lee, why is Celestia in your ‘don’t touch it’?”
“Uhh.”
Before my brain could think of a logical excuse Pinkie had bolted out the door yelling at the top of her lungs: “LEE TRAPPED CELESTIA IN A ‘DON'T TOUCH IT’ EVERYPONY RUUUUN!!”
A great man once said “God fucking damnit.” I don't know who this great man is but I suppose a great man somewhere once said that. And in times of “God fucking damnit” I like to just stay where I am and let the shitstorm come to me. This time the shitstorm came in the form of my Boss.
“Hey Lee, why is Pinkie shouting about you having a Celestia Donut?”
“Well...do you want the truth or do you want something to make you sleep at night?”
“Well, I don't want you to lie to me,” she said as she trotted into my room and took a seat near my bed.
“Damnit,” I cursed under my breath. “Well then, rather than me tell you I’m just going to show you. You are free to ask any questions.” I opened netflix (better quality) and after some quick keystrokes the show started.
Chapter 3: In Which I Would Like to Return this Pony.
Day 8
Well, shit. I broke Twilight. At about halfway through the episode she just froze up, so I took her to the hospital. She still hasn't moved which is quite comical but bad regardless. Since I couldn't think of anything else to do I went on a trip.
The soft smell of rain greeted me as I stepped off the train onto the marble-textured platform. The sound of hoofbeats and thunder could be heard some distance away. A bolt of lightning shot across the sky, rending it in two with a flash of light and power, and the rain began.
Walking in the rain is my favorite thing to do. The beat of the rain on the ground creates a rhythm that is unlike any other. As I walked through the city the rain made a symphony of sounds as it bounced off every surface. A bolt of light arced across the sky, revealing my destination: the castle.
I suddenly felt a weird pull that felt like somebody grabbed my shirt and pulled as hard as they could. The world around me streaked into nothing before reappearing with a snap. There was a sudden pain in my stomach. I doubled over in pain and vomited.
What I can assume was several hours later I came around, sitting up to my knees and coughing up the remaining bile that was lodged in my esophagus. I looked up and saw four very long white legs. “What are you?” the legs asked.
“Can I ask what happened first?” I coughed again as I stood up, coming face to neck with a rather large pony.
“Yes. I was watching the rain when I heard a commotion near the front gate. I looked down to see a large hooded figure skipping like an idiot. Intrigued, I teleported you up here, and you then vomited on my hooves and passed out. Now it’s your turn.”
“Name’s Lee, and I think I broke Twilight.”
Authors Note:
Sorry it took so long but I finally got a working Calender anyway see you next week...I hope.
20 Hour Days
5 Day Weeks
5 Week Months
10 Months
250 Day Year
Im about 31 1/2
Months of Sun
1 Creation
2 Birth
3 Dawn
4 Honor
5 Beauty
Months of Moon
1 Glory
2 Doubt
3 Dusk
4 Midnight
5 Rebirth
CH 1: In Which I have Some ‘Splaining To Do
Day 9
For your information, here are a short list of pros and cons concerning castles. Pros: large, beautiful, fancy as fuck, spacious, and possessing nice vaulted ceilings. Cons: cold as balls. Sitting on the hearth next to a roaring fire was the only way for me not to freeze my ass off.
Celestia sat in a large chair on the other side of the room staring at me. I think it’s because I had wrapped my entire body in several blankets, effectively turning me into a human burrito.
“So...” she began while sipping some tea. “Are you comfortable?” she asked with a smirk.
“Yes, I am. How aren’t you cold?”
“Well, I am covered in fur. It’s quite warm.” She chuckled while sipping more tea. “So may I ask why you came to Canterlot?”
“Will you be content with an answer in the form of a numerical list?”
“Why not,” she shrugged.
“Reason one: Twilight Sparkle is in a catatonic state and I'm sure it was my fault. Reason two: I thought it best to inform you of the fact that I have a rather ridiculous amount of information on your student, her friends, and just about any other subject you could think of. Reason three...ok no reason three, but reason one and two seem solid enough.
“Now I know you probably won't believe me-”
“I believe you.”
“-But if you give me...wait what?”
“I said I believe you.”
“But...but why? You have literally known me for an hour and the first thing I did when I met you was vomit on your feet...er, hooves.”
“True, but you seem trustworthy enough so I believe you. Now then, let’s see what we can do about my student.” Her horn flared to life and the same sensation as before crept into my bones as the world shifted into beams of light.
CH 2: In Which I Learn Something Important
Day 10
What happened next is just a bit sketchy. I remember some sounds and shapes, but not much else besides that. The one thing I do remember strongly is waking up with the taste of blood and plastic in my mouth.
My ears were ringing and my vision was all...sparkly. I noticed a large white shape move into my vision before everything suddenly snapped back to normal. I sucked air into my lungs like there was no tomorrow as I jolted straight up in bed, coughing out a tube that had been placed in my throat.
“Oh, thank goodness you're awake!” a white earth pony with a red cross cutie mark exclaimed as she rushed towards me. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I got kicked by a horse...” I groaned while sitting up. “What happened?”
“You appeared here with the Princess, and then you doubled over and vomited blood before passing out.”
You know all those stories where a person wakes up in a hospital and gets out the same day? Yeah, that’s all bullshit. Most injuries take at least a couple of days to heal if you manage to end up in the hospital, and I'm stuck here for about two weeks. Apparently, vomiting blood isn't exactly good for your health.
The reason for the vomiting has not yet been determined, but the only thing consistent between the two scenarios was the teleportation. So, the Doctors told me to stay away from magic. No qualms from me on that, the whole magic deal made me feel uneasy to start with.
When you have nothing to do for two weeks, there’s only so many things you can do. The list gets even smaller when you're in a public place. Anyway, I took my two week break to write this. This is the last day I'm in the hospital, so you’re up to date on current affairs. So, welcome to the present.
CH 3: In Which I Check On My Affairs
Day 20
If you have ever been in a hospital, then you know that they make you take a wheelchair to the exit for liability reasons. Well, pony wheelchairs are weird. The closest thing I can compare it to is...a...uhh, sex swing I guess. After the ride on the “sex swing” and the loss of most of my remaining dignity, I made my way to the library. Twilight had been released only a day after I had been admitted so she was already back to work, and I had two weeks of shelving to make up for.
The walk through town was business-as-usual. I would say “hi” to townsponies as I walked past, and most of them would respond with a nice “weirdo.” Ahh, normalcy. All was right with the world, and the world was going to be damned if it would stay that way. Before I could make it into the town proper a pink blur made itself at home on my head.
“Pinkie...”
“Yes, Lee?”
“Get off my head.”
“Fine, but only if you don't go to Sugarcube Corner until five.”
“Hadn't planned on going at all.”
“PERFECT!!” Pinkie shot off my head like a rocket towards the bakery, leaving me with a new hairstyle and many questions that I cared not to find the answers to. After grabbing an apple for lunch I made my way to the library, which for some reason was closed.
Well, since I work there I opened up the door and headed inside only to be greeted by very dark darkness. After groping for the lightswitch for a minute or two, I found the plastic knob and flipped it up, calling light forth like a god. A god that is bad at calling light forth because it was still dark, but luckily I had a lighter...that was out of fuel. I reopened the door and began to leave when I bumped into Twilight.
“Oh boss, I was just looking for you. I wanted to say sorry for putting you in the hospital and then missing two weeks of work.”
“Its fine. I’m fine as well, Celestia explained everything you did for me.”
“Ok. Well I'm going to head home. The Doctor said another day of rest before work, so see you tomorrow boss.”
“Bye Lee, and stop calling me Boss .”
After getting home from the hospital, there is always an exuberant amount of mail built up that you have to reply to. Strangely, there was only one letter for me and it was big, like at least two feet by three feet. I grabbed my largest letter opener and hacked away at that bad boy until it spilled its innards on my floor.
“Dear Lee,
I, Princess Celestia, decree that you shall teach my student Twilight Sparkle all about humans and your database you mentioned in our chat. I expect to be getting letters from her any day now.
Princess Celestia
P.S.
Look out behind you.”
I reread the letter twice before setting it down. “Look out behind me?”
CH 1: In Which I Get Kidnapped
Day 21
I don't know where I am. It's dark and I can hear laughter...more specifically, familiar laughter. Super familiar laughter...Pinkie laughter. “Pinkie, if you kidnapped me I promise I won't call the cops if you let me go right now.”
“Silly Lee! I didn't foalnap you.”
“Then what do you call sneaking up from behind me, hitting me over the head, and then putting me in a burlap sack and dragging me away?”
“A surprise.”
“Pinkie, let me out please. It’s dark and cramped.”
“No.”
Having exhausted all my bargaining options, I wrenched my arm around and searched until I found my pocket. After several seconds of digging around, I produced my secret weapon: a pocket knife. But before I was able to stab my way out of the bag, I was violently tossed onto a hardwood floor. The drawstring was taken off, allowing me to flounder out of the bag and into the well-lit interior of the library.
“SURPRISE!” yelled a room full of ponies I had never talked to. Several tiny cannons shot streamers. Everypony started to converse with one another while Pinkie bounced around before settling near me with eyes the size of dinner plates and a huge smile on her face.
“Do you like it? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh?”
“Pinkie...I can forgive you for kidnapping me because we’re friends and as your friend I will tell you this gently: I hate parties.” You could actually feel the sadness coming off the Pink pony.
“You...you hate parties?” she gulped as tears began to form.
“Well, it’s not that I hate them it’s just that I don't like to be around people. And I dislike social interaction. Both of which just so happen to be involved in a party.” With this, Pinkie started crying...oh boy.
CH 2: In Which I Get My Teach On
Day 21
How to stop a girl from crying in three easy steps (Don't quote me on this. Results may vary.): one, tell her she is pretty. Two, give her stuff like chocolate. Three, comfort her. How to make an animal stop being sad: scratch it behind the ear.
Unfortunately, I'm a heartless bastard so I just left. Now don't get all “you’re a horrible person go back and comfort that pink pony” on me...well...actually, do say that. I am a horrible person. However, she hit me over the head with a bat, shoved me in a bag, and then dragged me across some rocky ground before throwing me headfirst onto a hardwood floor.
On the walk back to my house, I noticed that somehow it was dark, and to my knowledge I was kidnapped in the middle of the day. So besides the fact that she kidnapped me she also held me for five hours or more. Fantastic.
The door to my house...room...fuck it, I'm calling it my house from now on. The door to my house had been left open, resulting in several piles of leaves making themselves comfortable on my carpet. I started my menial task of cleaning them up when I heard a knock at the door. “Pinkie, if you try anything this time I will tell the police.” Swinging the door open and preparing to dodge anything the pink pony could have aimed at me, I was instead met with a lavender mare.
“Lee, why is it everytime I come over here you and Pinkie had some episode previously?”
“She kidnapped me,” I said in a matter-of-fact tone as Twilight let herself in. “What are you doing over here, anyway? It’s like seven at night.”
“I received a letter from Celestia saying you volunteered to...” she fumbled with the words for a minute. “...Expand my knowledge of the unknown.”
“Oh, that. Yeah, I ain't doing that. I shall not aid Trolls.”
“No, not actual trolls. Troll is internet slang, and it refers to somebody who posts or says inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community such as a forum, chat room, or blog with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion.” I set my phone down and looked over to Twilight, who was in the middle of taking notes.
“But why would anypony want to make others angry?” Twilight asked, her quill slightly aglow as it moved across the page.
“Because humans are bastard-coated bastards with bastard fillings.”
“That sounds horrible.”
“Well, we are horrible...or at least some of us are. But right now, I need to sleep off this headache.” I ushered Twilight out of my house before laying down and falling asleep instantly.
CH 3 : In Which I Get A Pet
Day 22
Being a bachelor is lonely, so I decided to get a pet. Not a pet that needs to be fed all the time or that even acknowledges my existence. I wanted a cat. Considering Season 2 Episode 7 (May the Best Pet Win!), I thought seeing Fluttershy was the best solution. So, after a nutritious breakfast of an apple and some cheese I set out.
It was surprisingly harder to find the house than I originally thought. I walked through the center of town getting my usual looks of ‘why is that thing back’ and, as usual, I ignored them. As luck would have it, I noticed the butter yellow pegasus I was looking for by AJ’s apple stand. “Hello, Fluttershy..”
“Eep!” she jumped a little before turning around. “Hi Lee...” squeaked a response.
“Are you still scared of me?”
“Yes...” she responded from behind her hair.
“Ahh. Well, I was wondering if you could help me pick out a pet. I was thinking of getting a cat.”
“You sure you can handle a pet, Lee? From what Twi tells me you're pretty irresponsible,” Applejack butted in.
“Applejack, I have been living on my own for four weeks. In that time, I have gotten a job and met with one of the leaders of this little diarchy you call a nation. I’m sure I can handle a cat.”
“Well, I have several cats at my cottage that I have been trying to find a good home for.”
“Lead the way,” I half-yelled as I picked up her bags, following close behind her.
I'm going to skip to the house because it’s about a mile away and there was not much to see. Unless you want me to describe dirt and a fence in detail.
After arriving at the house, I helped Fluttershy put away her food before she led me out to the backyard to view the animals and pick out my friend. Stepping out her backdoor was like stepping into a whole new place. Trees and plants littered the area and a large pond set off to one side gave this place a peaceful feeling to it. “Oh, kitties! Come here, I have somebody I want you to meet.” Lifting her front right hoof to her mouth, she whistled and six cats suddenly ran out of nowhere and assembled in a line in front of me. They all looked like normal cats except for one. The very last one on the left was a light gray speckled Savana, had a red bandana, and wore a smirk on his furry little face.
“Why is that one wearing a bandana?”
“Oh, that’s Ace and I don't know. He showed up at my front door two weeks back wearing it. He is very well behaved and can jump really, really high. He-”
“I’ll take him.”
“Are you sure? He-”
“Fluttershy, there is something about men. When we see a Bro we know it, and that cat is a Bro.”
“Ok, if you're sure.”
Ch 1: In Which Google
Day 25
Ace is a cool cat, no, an awesome cat, but if he wakes me up before my alarm ONE MORE TIME I’m gonna kill that little bastard. Speaking of Ace, I haven't seen him since he woke me up this morning...anyways, back to the story.
A couple days ago, I received a letter from the Princess saying I had to teach Twilight about the giant database in my possession, also known as the Internet. Well, I wasn't going to do it. When a guard showed up at my door threatening to throw me in jail, however, I folded and the lessons began. This is the first day of class. And Twilight insisted we have class at the Library.
I had already set up all the equipment I would need. Computer, my nice canvas chair, and my portable generator I made from my bike. Pro tip: all you need to make electricity is a magnet and some copper wire. The magnet replaced my tire and the copper wire was wrapped around it, and as I pedal the magnet spins super fast and bam! Power.
Twilight was sitting on a reclining chair and Spike was on the couch eating popcorn. Standing up and and popping my knuckles I began. “Due to my not wanting to go to jail I will be instructing you on the Internet. So without further ado, welcome to the Internet. I will be your guide. Now, what do you want to know?”
“What?” Twilight asked while tilting her head slightly.
“Ask a question.”
“Oh, uhh...what is a human?”
(Disclaimer: I will be using Wikipedia for most of this as it is easy, not sure how plagiarism laws affect me over here but I will try to make it my own.)
“Splendid.” I pulled out my wireless keyboard and began clicking away. “Humans, or Homo sapiens, are primates of the family Hominidae. Humans are characterized by having a large brain relative to their body size, with a particularly well-developed brain making them capable of abstract thought and very, very good at problem solving.
“This mental capability, combined with an adaptation to bipedal locomotion that frees the hands for manipulating objects, has allowed humans to make far greater use of tools than any other living species on Earth, mainly because of our thumbs. Humans are the only species that build fires to cook their food. We are also the only known species to wear clothes and make art.
“Humans have been on Earth ranging from anywhere to six or seven thousand to millions of years, depending on your religion and beliefs.” I stopped for a moment to catch my breath and field questions. “Any questions?”
“Near the end you said humans were on Earth for six to seven thousand to millions of years. Why is it varied so much?” Twilight asked while floating a quill up.
“Well, there are many many religions on Earth and all of them have a creation story. The age of the earth has been debated because people don't get along. Now, let’s have a question that has nothing to do with what I have said previously.”
“Hmm...oh, I know!” Twilight exclaimed. “As with science, everything has rules. Are there any rules to this Internet thing?”
“Yes there is, but I will have to ask Spike to leave the room. Some of the rules are NSFW, or ‘Not Safe For Work,’ meaning inappropriate.”
“Technically, I’m seventeen in dragon years.”
“Fine then you can stay. Here we go: (I will be using the ones from Urban Dictionary)
“Rule 1. Do not talk about /b/-”
“What's B?”
“What part of don't talk about /b/ did you not get?”
“Rule 2. Do NOT talk about /b/.
Rule 3. We are Anonymous.”
“What's Anonymous?”
“The act of being unknown.”
“I know that but-”
“Moving on.” Twilight raised her hoof trying to get more information but decided it was too much trouble and continued scratching down notes.
“Rule 4. Anonymous is legion.
“Rule 5. Anonymous does not forgive, Anonymous does not forget.
“Rule 6. Anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster.
“Rule 7. Anonymous is still able to deliver.”
“Most of these seem repetitive.”
“I think they were made that way to reinforce or strengthen the idea, Spike.”
“Seems stupid to me.”
“Rule 8. There are no real rules about posting.
“Rule 9. There are no real rules about moderation either — enjoy your ban.”
“What’s a ban?”
“To be banned is to be banished from the web page so that you cannot post there anymore.
“Rule 10. If you enjoy any rival sites — DON'T.
“Rule 11. You must have pictures to prove your statement.”
“What's that mean?”
“If I say I saw a flying dragon with wings made of out hotdog buns I need a picture of it to show others I’m telling the truth.
“Rule 12. Lurk moar — it's never enough.
“Rule 13. Nothing is sacred.
“Rule 14. Do not argue with a troll — it means that they win.”
“What's a troll?”
“Someone who is a dick to make people mad.” Twilight had given up writing notes at this point and began to stare in confusion at the list she had already written down.
“Rule 15. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.
“Rule 16. There are NO girls on the Internet.
“Rule 17. A cat is fine too.
“Rule 18. One cat leads to another.
“Rule 19. The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.
“Rule 20. It is delicious cake. You must eat it.
“Rule 21. It is a delicious trap. You must hit it.”
“What does it mean by trap?”
“Man dressed as a woman.”
“What does ‘hit’ mean in that rule?”
“Sex.”
"What?"
“MOVING ON!” By this point Spike had began bashing his head into the arm of the couch out of frustration and confusion.
“Rule 22. /b/ sucks today.
“Rule 23. Cock goes in here.
“What's a--”
“Rooster.”
“Rule 24. You will never have sex.
“Rule 25. ????
“How did you just say ????...how did I just say ????...Twilight I’m freaking out.”
“Rule 26. PROFIT!
“Rule 27. It needs more Desu. No exceptions.”
“Do I want to ask what Desu is?” Twilight said with an exasperated moan.
“It is.”
"What is?"
“Desu.”
“Rule 28. There will always be more fucked up shit than what you just saw.
“Rule 29. You can not divide by zero (just because the calculator says so).
“Rule 30. No real limits of any kind apply here — not even the sky
“I'm afraid to ask at this point but limits to what exactly?”
“Haven't the foggiest, Twi.”
“Rule 31. CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.
“Rule 32. EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER.
“Rule 33. Desu isn't funny. Seriously guys. It's worse than Chuck Norris jokes.”
“What’s a Chuck Norris?”
“When the universe was first made, Chuck Norris's beard was the fiber of reality. When God said ‘let there be light,’ Chuck Norris said ‘say please.’ When Chuck Norris does a push up the earth moves instead of him, and behind his beard is not a chin but another fist.”
“Twilight, will you hold me? I'm scared.”
“There are two more rules that I won't tell you unless you are sure you want me to tell you.”
“They can't be any worse than the nonsense you just finished spouting...”
“They're pretty bad.”
“I can handle it. Tell me.”
“Fine.
“Rule 34. There is porn of it. No exceptions.
“Rule 35. If no porn is found of it, it will-”
“What's so bad about that?”
“Porn, in this case, is inappropriate pictures of people or things engaged in sexual acts.”
“So...”
“Twilight you remember that video I showed you that started all this?”
“Yeah?”
“You are on the Internet...no exceptions.”
CH 1: In Which... ACHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Day 27
There are few villains in the MLP universe that I think were actually evil or deserved what they had coming to them, the main one being Trixie. Anyway, story time now. Sit the fuck down...AND NO POPCORN.
It was a bright and sunny day and unfortunately I was forced outside to get more ice for my fridge. The technology is seriously screwy around here.They use candles for lights but then Twilight has a fucking super computer in her basement...sorry got off on a tangent. Anyway, I was in the middle of town and none of the pony folk were glaring at me or calling me a freak...so obviously something was horribly, horribly off. I hadn't gotten my ice yet so it gave me a little time to find out what was wrong. Surprisingly, it wasn't that hard.
“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!” echoed from the center plaza of the town. This marked the first of the troubles.
Getting ice being the most entertaining thing I had to do that day solidified my choice to go find out why Trixie was back. I cut through a side alley and made it to the center of the village just as Trixie blasted Rainbow Dash with some red magic, causing her right wing to grow to twice its size. I caught AJ as she was ushering Rarity off to her boutique. “Yo AJ, what's going on?”
“Trixie’s back and she's picking on us! Again!” she half-shouted as she continued to drag the fashionista away.
“Who is next to face the Great and Powerful-oh sweet Celestia, what IS that hideous beast?” she shouted, waving her hoof in my direction.
“Me?”
“Oh, gross! It’s looking at me! It’s all pink and fleshy...oh, what sort of creature are you?”
“Fuck it, I'm out ya racist bitch.”
“Oh good, it’s leaving.”
“Hey! No need to be that way. I've had a hard couple of days.”
“Ewww it’s coming towards me!” Before I could react she had lowered her head and shot a beam of magic at my chest. The impact sent off sparks but that was about it. I braced myself for the nausea which never came. “Woohoo! I’m not ...ACHOOOOO!! ” The force of my sneeze knocked me off my feet, landing me flat on my ass.
Okay, now this is the part where Twilight comes in and duels her. I could write it but...just watch the episode, it’s easier on both of us. I will pick up about twenty minutes after Twilight got kicked out.
CH 2: In Which I'm Not A Proud Lee
Day 27
“‘How are we going to escape! Oh no a fucking giant fish bowl!’ ‘I have an idea lets dig under it!’ ‘That will never work Lee.’ WELL, HA! Take that! I'm digging a hole and I'm getting out of this crazy-ass town and back to my house.” If you couldn't tell, I was digging a hole. Trixie had pulled a Simpsons and encased the town in a giant bowl and my house was like ten feet from the other side of the damn thing.
“Halt! What's going on here?” I spun around, shovel in hand, to see Trixie on a wheelless chariot pulled by Snips and Snails.
“I’m digging out of this fish bowl!” I shouted through shovelfuls of dirt.
“You can't. I forbid it,” she stated in her ever-so-matter-of-fact way.
“You forbid it, now? Oh, woe is me...fuck you!” I shouted, throwing some dirt at her.
Before I knew what happened I felt a heat on my back and was blasted forwards, smashing my face against the glass wall. A searing pain spread across my face and blood began to pour from my nose, and then I sneezed. A fine film of blood painted the glass as I writhed in pain from my broken nose and the sneeze.
“That’s what you get for disobeying Trixie.”
I got to my knees, grabbing the shovel with my right hand and using it to support me. “Hey ass-butt.”
I'm not proud of what I did next, but damn it felt good. “What is it?” Trixie turned around just in time to take the metal end of the shovel to the face, knocking her out cold.
“Oh fuck I killed Trixie.” Just then, Trixie’s leg twitched. “Never mind.”
Have I told you guys that ponies are like super heavy before? Well they are. Anyway, I got Snips and Snails to help me drag Trixie to the library. It was surprisingly easy. I learned later that they thought I would kill them with my shovel if they didn't help.
I barged into the library as the remainder of the girls and Spike crowded around a book. “I need some help. Trixie broke my nose so I hit her with a shovel.”
Fluttershy was the first to turn around, recoiling slightly. “Oh my goodness! What happened to your face?”
“I'll say it slower: ‘Trixie...broke...my...no-”
“I think she means what happened before that?” AJ interrupted while handing me her handkerchief she had in her hat.
“Hey Lee, over here!”
“What is it Dash?” Dash’s hooves found their way to either side of my nose, and in one swift motion she wrenched them to the side, setting my nose back into position. “MOTHERFUCKINGJESUSCHRIST FUCKINGHELL SHIT SHIT SHIT OH FUCK!”
“Calm down, Lee.”
“I will not calm down! I have had a shitty day! All I want to do is go home and sleep! FUCK IT! Spike I'm using Twilight’s bed!” I stormed up the stairs, shoving books off as I went. “Goodnight.”
Okay, well here is what happened next: they threw Trixie outside, she woke up and had no recollection of our encounter, and then the episode finished. The next day, after being kicked out of the library, I called the girls and Spike to the library for a special viewing of the previous day.
“Okay, now. AJ, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Dash: to make a long story short I have a device that has information on everything in the known universe, including you. Now watch this.” I clicked play on the video. “As you can see, this all happened yesterday. I have already watched this and I found something: I’m not in it anywhere. Not even my house is there or the poster by ‘Sofas and Quills’ that says ‘humans not welcome,’ which I found weird. Now, I have a theory about that: I'm thinking that I might not even be here right now. This could all be a dream...but that would be stupid, so then I thought: ‘what if this is an alternate dimension in the video’... Girls, excluding Twi and Pinkie, why are you all so calm?”
“Twi already told us about that thing you have,” AJ spoke up.
“Ah. Anyway, alternate reality. I just thought I should bring this up because I thought it was interesting...welp I'm going back to my house.” I started to pack up my stuff before I remembered the second reason I asked them to come. “Oh, one more thing. Twi, out of the spirit of fun the lessons I'm giving you are now open to all the Elements and Spike... See ya monday.”
CH 1: In Which Youtube
Day 30
Hello! Sorry about the wait; I had a little bout with some stomach flu, but I'm better now. I had rescheduled the lesson for today, so here it is.
“Ok, when I call your name say ‘Present’--”
“Uh, Lee? We’re all here except for AJ.”
“OK fine, ruin my illusions of grandeur,” I yelled mockingly as I sat down on the Library’s only arm chair. “Todays Lesson is YouTube; YouTube is a video-sharing website created by three former PayPal employees in February of ‘05, on which users can upload, view, and share videos. The company is based in San Bruno, California, and uses Adobe Flash Video and HTML5 technology to display a wide variety of user-generated video content, including movie clips, TV clips, and music videos, as well as amateur content such as video blogging, short original videos, and educational videos, but mostly it's filled with cats. Now each one of you will get to pick a topic, I will then search a video, and we will watch it.”
“Oh, oh! Me first, me first!” Pinkie yelled, bouncing between the roof and the floor with an audible squeak each time.
“Ok, tell me what to search.”
“PINKIE PIE!” she shouted at the top of her lungs. I clacked away and a list of videos popped up. “THAT ONE!” Pinkie yelled again, pointing at a video.
*click*
Youtube Video
“So Pinkie, what did you think?” I asked while handing Twilight a new quill.
“That...was...AWESOME”
“Ok, who wants to go next?” I scanned the room for waiting hooves and saw Fluttershy hiding behind her hair. “Fluttershy, you're up, what do you want to watch?”
“Um, I guess some cute kittens would be nice if thats ok.”
*click*
Youtube Video
The only thing cuter than the kitten in the video was Fluttershy as she squeed with glee.
“Can we watch it again, please?”
“No.”
“Please?” Words cannot describe the willpower it took me to utter the next words as I was being bombarded with the weaponized cuteness that is pleading Fluttershy.
“No. Must continue lesson. Rarity go.”
Rarity perked up at this, setting down some tea she had been nursing all morning, “Oh me? Well I would love to see some of the pony fashion that you have back where you're from.”
*click*
Youtube Video
Twenty seconds in Rarity feinted. Ten seconds after resuscitation she tried to destroy my computer yelling something about fashion. She is locked outside now.
“Spike, go.”
“Dragons,” he grunted through a mouthful of jewels.
*click*
Youtube Video
“And everyone of my species can do that. All we have to do is kill a dragon, doesn't matter what size.”
“Lee quit it, you're scaring Spike”
“Moving on, RD?”
“Something fast.”
*click*
Youtube Video
“Thats not that fast.”
“Dash we have made something that can go Mach 20, that's 20 times faster than the speed of sound.”
“Ok boss, your go.”
“Well last week you mentioned alternate dimensions, anything on that?”
*click*
Youtube Video
“Say Lee, couldn't a wormhole be responsible for you being here?” Twilight seemed almost sad when she said this.
“Ehh, who’s to say? We'll see you all next week; I hope you had fun.”
Honestly that was the most time I spent with the Mane6 (excluding AJ). Hmm, I’m going to go ask if she needs any help on the farm tomorrow; I need to get in shape, so this is the perfect opportunity.
Chris Schmidt:
This videos, instead of having all of them at the top, should be embedded into the *clicks* to help the flow of the story.
CH 1: In Which I Got Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Bored
Day 35
As the title dictates, I was really bored. Key word being: WAS.
It was on a day much like any other day, except for the fact that I was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bored. But then I got attacked by an evil beaver. You know on nature shows how they always say, “I'm going to go attack that tiger,” or “I'm going to go attack that snake,” or “I'm going to go attack that shark”? Well, they never say “I'm going to go attack that beaver.” You know why? Because that beaver kicked my ass. I only got away because while I was hitting him with my metal bat he took it and ate it, and he was luckily distracted long enough for me to jump out my window.
After running all the way to the other side of town I was greeted by an amazing sight: Discord and the Mane Six were all standing in a circle. “Uhh, Twi, why is Discord here?”
Twilight spun around along with everypony else to stare at me. “Oh hi, Lee. Thank goodness you're here.”
“What's up?”
“The Princess wants you and Fluttershy to help rehabilitate Discord She said it is...”
“Yeah, no. Personally, I don't think he is that bad of a guy. I mean, some of his stuff was a little dickish but most of it was just, well, slightly annoying but nothing was that bad.”
“See this thing has the right idea.”
“But Lee, Celestia-”
“Let me stop you there. You already heard my first reason and here is another one: I have to go get revenge on an evil beaver that ate my bat.”
There was a loud snap and a sudden weight in my hand. “Here, use this,” Discord said as I looked down at the solid black bat now resting in my hand.
“Wow, this is really light. What's it made of?
“I made it out of Chaos,” he quipped while turning lazy circles in the air above me.
“Uhh...thanks,” I grumbled, turning it over in my hand. “Well, I have rodent to go beat to death.”
“What?!” fluttershy shouted...well, more like whispered really, really loudly. “Why would you want to do somthing like that?”
“Because it attacked me and is probably eating my house?”
As I walked away I could hear the frustrated shouts of Twilight and the rest of the gang and Fluttershy crying.
CH 2: In Which Crouching Lee Hidden Something or Other
Day 35
That damn beaver was still in my house munching down on what was left of my bookcase. I carefully snuck through the hole he made in my door and across the room to where he was nomming on my stuff. I raised the bat over my head and swung with all the force I could muster. The moment the bat impacted its head there was a weird lazer gun sound and the beaver disappeared leaving...a...hat?
The beaver got turned into a hat. A beaver skin hat with the tail as the brim. Let me just go on record and say right now: I fucking love this bat. Donning my new hat and looking at my destroyed home, I set to work grabbing some things I would need...and left it all at Twilight’s house.
But back to the important things: there was a god of chaos on the loose and by the heavens I was going to exploit that if it kills me. Step one: find him.
“Killed the beaver, it turned into a hat, so now I’m wearing it. Besides, it fits well.”
“Whatever. Anyways, do you think you could lend me a hoof getting Fluttershy down here? I need to convince her to to stop trying to help Discord. He is just awful.”
“So, not like eight weeks ago you were so obsessed with doing EXACTLY what Celestia said that you almost cost an empire its freedom to a dark lord and now all of a sudden you don't give a rat’s ass?”
“Yes, well, no...well, uhhh... this is different...” A pause. “Just get her down here,” she said, stamping her hoof down.
“Fine. Ahem. Oh no, is that bunny choking on that carrot? Who will help her?” Literally faster than I could blink Fluttershy was right in front of us.
“WHERE'S THE BUNNY?”
“Calm down, I was just trying to get you down here. Twi needs to talk to ya.”
While the girls talked about boring stuff like trying to reform a god I managed to find a way to entertain myself with my new bat I decided to call the Wabbajack. Yes, I got it from Skyrim but so what. Anyway, the bat in question had so far turned a beaver into a hat, made a rock completely disappear, and turned an apple tree into an carrot tree...don't tell Applejack...please.
It was around the time that the carrot tree came into being that I received a letter via paper airplane and it read: “Dear pink fleshy thing that I gave the bat to, you are cordially invited to dinner at Fluttershy's house.” It was signed “Discord.”
CH 3: In Which Free Food
Day 35
I arrived at Fluttershy's house to find it had been set back into the ground in its rightful place. I could hear the sound of talking from inside so I decide to join at an...odd time. The gravy boat was attacking Rainbow Dash and some of the candles were dancing around. I thought it best to leave.
CH 4: In Which Ice
Day 35
There is fucking water everywhere. Seriously, like a foot of water! It’s everywhere and its getting deeper! The deluge of water appears to be coming from the farm. Time to investigate.
FUCK IT FROZE AND I’M STUCK! HELP ME!!
CH 1: In Which I Don't Save The Day
Day 35
Having your legs frozen into ice from the knees down hurts. Like, a fucking lot. The pain only set in after I had been stuck for about half a minute.
After I composed myself I thought through my options but quickly dismissed them in lieu of a more direct approach. I grabbed the Wabbajack from my back and delivered an overhand swing to the ice hoping a stronger hit would lead to a better outcome.
The bat struck the ice, chipping it slightly. the familiar sound rang out and the ice changed. My footing shifted, sending me face first into a two foot deep vat of vanilla pudding.
And yes, it tasted delicious. I learned two things while making my way through the icefields: one, pudding is hard to walk through and two, it sticks to your clothes strangely well.
After the first incident with the pudding, I continued sloshing my way through the ice, each strike changing a fiveish foot area of the frozen pond into a different flavor of pudding.
Chocolate.
Strawberry.
Banana.
Manilla.
Chocolate again.
By the time I made it to the farm I had left a half mile of pudding in my wake, and by the looks of the farm it was only going to get bigger.
I lifted the Wabbajack for another swing when a brilliant idea came to me. ‘Walk on the ice you retard’ it said in a slightly angry tone. So, I crawled all the way to the farm (I have shit balance), leaving a trail of multi-colored pudding streaks on the ice.
CH 2: In Which I Become History's Greatest Monster
Day 35 (Big Surprise)
I had made it to the farm and I could see Discord and the girls off in the distance...and then the ice disappeared and I fell ten feet to the ground in the prone position, knocking myself out again for like the nineteenth time since I came to this fucking place.
I woke with a start what I can only assume was an hour later and everything was blue. I slowly got off the ground, allowing my joints to pop back into place, and after giving myself the once over I began walking back to town.
Using the Wabbajack as a support I made my way back and I neared the library (where I planned to sleep till I was fifty). I heard an angry voice ranting about something, and as I got closer I could make out more. “We just had to see where it would go, we couldn't just exterminate the problem like I suggested now that damn boy has made a mess of things and there's nothing we can do to fix it. Mr.1 will not be pleased with this.” I made through the alleyway and saw something disturbing: Discord, the Mane Six, and Celestia were all frozen in place. A beige pony with beige hair and a black Cutie Mark stood in the middle of the area in front of the Library. His Mark looked like a circle cut in half with one side slid down and the number thirteen in the center. (pic below)
The beige pony turned around and began pacing towards me when he noticed I was there. “YOU, Mr. 5, said you were going to be stuck in the freeze, damn it. Why won't you just die? We have tried to exterminate you multiple times but somehow you always survive. We knew it would only be a matter of time before you or one of your sick cultish freaks figured out how to get here, but we thought our plan would come to fruition by then. But then you appear AND RUIN EVERYTHING! Do you know how many of us had to bail when you arrived...” The beige pony paused from his rant and looked into my eyes. “You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?”
“No not really and I'm kinda scared right now.”
“Good. Stay that way, stay out of any major events, stay out of the lives of any of the important ones, and stay out of Canterlot and you may just live to see the end of your pathetic life. And remember: this is our world. We found it, we will do with it what we want. One more thing: if we meet again, my name is Mr. 13. Next time you see me you will die.” Without warning, everything snapped back to where it should be and the events unfolded before me.
“Oh, alright...Friendship is Magic.”
CH 3: In Which I Try To Figure It All Out
Day 35
The Princess had left by the time I had began to try to make sense of the day and by that I mean I rambled off what happened to Twilight. “And then he started yelling at me about some crazy conspiracy shit then he threatened to kill me and then Discord said Friendship is Magic.”
“Lee, are you sure you didn't hit your head a little too hard this time...and why are you covered in pudding?”
“Discord gave me a magic bat that has unpredictable abilities. I was using it to make a pudding path when I fell and woke up to a blue world with the conspiracy pony. Also I need a place to stay because a magic beaver ate my house.”
“I know a pony you can talk to about these kind of things. I know, he has helped me through some tough times...I'll write down his address.”
“Is it a psychiatrist?”
“Yes.”
Hi, Lee here. Sorry for the delay but well...you know how we get episode spoilers several weeks before the episodes? Well, I just learned about Twicorn and I had some shit to say to some ponies and that took a long time. Anyway, next chapter will be out faster...I hope...also Pinkie said she wanted to write a story and have me submit it so that might be coming soon.