Chapters Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 1: Lost
North of Ponyville, at a distance of around three days of travel (less for a pegasus), is a place where the Everfree Forest thins out as it climbs the slopes of the Convenient Mountains. A strange figure stumbled out through a hole in a rock wall; had he been more aware of his surroundings, he would have noticed the vines and other plants he brushed past, and how they immediately covered the opening again. Sadly, he was far too disoriented to realize that he probably wouldn't find this place again any time soon. The figure collapsed on the ground. Several minutes later, he crawled to a stream that had come down from the mountains. He drank the water, noted how cool and clear it was, splashed his face, attempted to collect this thoughts, and took stock of himself.
I'm fully human. That had never been noteworthy before, but somehow it seemed important this time.
I look like a more buff and more handsome version of the reader. It was true. He was also of legal age, even if the reader happened not to be.
My name is... I don't remember. He opted to call himself “Biff Studly” for now.
I was hiking Backstory Forest, and I made the mistake of exploring Contrivance Caverns solo. Derp.
I don't know where I am now. As his head cleared, he began to use his vast knowledge of wilderness survival as well as handy gear in his backpack. He determined the four cardinal directions. He figured out wind direction and speed, as well as barometric pressure. He realized that while it was much later in the day than it had been when he entered the caves, it was somehow earlier in the season. His latitude was different. It was a different phase of the moon. The plant life didn't match the place he had been earlier. He needed to cut his toenails. The Nikkei Index was up, and the Chicago Cubs had lost again.
He realized that he needed to look for civilization, so he flipped a coin twice to pick a random direction to travel in. Then he realized that this was the action of a dipshit, so he chose to follow the stream instead. Fortunately, it was heading south, the same direction his quarter had given him. Figuring it was fate rather than bad writing, he set out on his journey.
Along the way, he was able to confirm (as Dorothy said) that he definitely wasn't in Kansas any more, and probably not in any of the other states, either. Well, maybe Tennessee – that place was pretty fucked up. He also learned that his hours of playing D&D had all been worthwhile, as there were a great many mythical creatures that actually existed. What's more, they were good eatin'; cockatrice tasted like chicken, and manticore was a lot like cheap Chinese food.
Though he remained ignorant of his name and location, he was actually enjoying himself. The weather was good, the scenery was nice, the monsters weren't all that scary, and both food and water were plentiful. He was sure that eventually he would return to his old life – whatever that had been – but for now, he looked forward to adventure, excitement, and (with any luck) a lot of gratuitous sex.
Author's Note
I have a strange sense of humor, and I've been reading too many fanfics; this story is the meeting point of those two facts. I wanted to see if I could be funnier than the people who are unintentionally writing comedy.
Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 2: First Contact (Yay.)
Chapter 2: First Contact (Yay.)
Days later, as afternoon gave way to evening, Biff stopped to rest and consider choosing a campsite. He set down his pack, took off his shoes and socks, and sat down on the bank of the stream to let the water run over his feet. He put his arms behind him for support, leaned back, and closed his eyes. After a few minutes of quiet contemplation, the silence was broken by an adorable feminine voice. “Oh! What an interesting animal! I've never seen anything like you before!” His eyes opened and his head whipped around as he sought the owner of the voice. His eyes found a waist-high yellow horse... with wings. He closed his eyes again. Was it the mushrooms I added to lunch? Or did that manticore need to be refrigerated? He opened his eyes again in time to confirm that the voice had come from the strange being. “I wonder what you are?”
“I'm a human.”
Her wings fluttered rapidly and her jaw dropped. “Oh! You can talk! I bet I can learn so much from you! Now I won't have to guess what you eat when it's time to feed you. What's a human?”
“Do you know what an ape is?” At her nod, he continued. “We're related to them. And what exactly are you?”
“I'm a pony. Um, I thought that would be obvious.” She sounded cute even with that tone in her voice that said “You're not too bright, are you?”
“So I'm not hallucinating?” He squinted as he glanced around, expecting the nearby trees to turn into Lego versions of themselves, or giant fish standing on their tails, or something. They stubbornly persisted in staying normal.
“I'm pretty sure you're not. But if you want, I can take you home and make sure you're healthy.”
“Sure. And maybe I can learn some things from you along the way.” He stood up and stepped out of the stream. She flinched when he did so, and again when he suddenly snatched up his backpack and settled it back where it belonged. “Are you okay?”
“You're bigger than I thought. You're... you're not going to hurt me, are you?” She looked ready to run, or fly, or somehow both.
“Why would I do that? You're my new friend. You can call me Biff.”
She relaxed. “Hello, Biff. My name is Fluttershy.”
He tucked his socks in his hiking boots, picked up the boots, and walked for a while with bare, wet feet. They chatted as they strolled. He learned about Equestria, and the types of ponies living there, and her home town of Ponyville. She got a crash course in human abilities, dietary habits, and culture. He found out about magic, and she found out about the Cola Wars. As they made their way to her home, his feet dried, his boots went back on, they shared some wild berries that he picked, and he began to receive messages from his schlong.
By the time they reached her cottage at sunset, his unit had made the case that it really needed some attention, and would prefer that he not take matters into his own hands. He stared off into the distance as she unlocked the door, and he mentally shrugged. It's not like it would be the first time I boffed a quadruped. The trick would be to figure out how to bring the topic into the open.
After the door closed behind them, he was caught off-guard by a sudden question. “Biff, do you know what pheromones are?” He raised an eyebrow in confusion. She zipped up to mouth level and planted a kiss while hovering in front of him. After that, it escalated quickly. They made out awkwardly as she hovered and he stripped. He tossed his clothes away from the puddle rapidly growing at their feet. Her hindquarters were running like a faucet, and the splattering juices made it difficult to hear her as she gasped out sentence fragments in between liplocks. “I'm normally not like this... mmph! Even though I'm a virgin, I... unh, ahh... human biochemistry... ooo!”
Before long, her hooves were on the floor again, his feet were soaked again, and she was filled with 14 inches of pocket salami. She moaned and writhed on his throbbing scepter. He tried to hold off by running the lyrics to Chuck Berry's “My Ding-a-Ling” through his head. After what seemed like hours of ecstasy for them both, he knew he was about to come. He grabbed her by her butterflies and considerately picked her up, shifting his hips the crucial few degrees necessary to point her towards the couch on the opposite side of the room. His brain blanked, his spine was nearly dislocated by the final thrust of his hips, and she rocketed across the room from the force of his climax. His firehose-like emission was joined by additional moisture from her; her multiple orgasms were like a handful of invisible water balloons hitting her privates.
His deep groans subsided, she stopped shrieking like a smoke detector, and they both passed out. Unseen by them, tiny animals in biohazard suits took silent directions from a similarly clad bunny rabbit. Miniature mops, belt sanders, flamethrowers, and other tools were brought out and wielded with quiet efficiency.
Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 3: Apples, Apples, Apples!
Chapter 3: Apples, Apples, Apples!
The following morning, Biff woke up to the smell of breakfast. When he got to the table, he wondered briefly how Fluttershy could manage to make such an elaborate meal without thumbs, but he decided to let it slide. His mind was on magic, which she had said only unicorns could control. As mind-blowingly spectacular as their sudden and improbable sex had been, he knew that at some point he would have to return home. If nothing else, there was a movie coming out next summer that he wanted to see.
“What I'd really like, Fluttershy,” he said in between bites of toast, “is to meet a unicorn who can restore my memory, give me some lottery numbers, and send me home.”
“It just so happens that one of my best friends is one of the most powerful unicorns around. I'm sure she'll be able to help!”
He considered that great news, no matter how unlikely it seemed. “Fantastic! Why don't we leave as soon as we finish eating?”
“Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. Some of my animals are sick. Angel said something about a containment breach, whatever that is. I can give you directions to get to Twilight's home, though!” She gave him not only directions, but a map with a couple of routes marked. One of the choices would take a little bit longer to travel, but was much less complicated. When he told her which one he chose, she happily explained that this would take him past the home of another friend of hers, a pony named Applejack. “If you liked my cooking, you would absolutely love her Granny's! I bet they'd be happy to trade you a hearty lunch in exchange for a little work on the farm.”
They finished breakfast, promised to see each other again, and he set out on the road. Before too long, Biff found himself ambling along a low fence that separated the road from an apple orchard. A few minutes after that, he reached a turn-off into the apple farm. Immediately after he stepped through the arch that marked the property line, he heard a high-pitched yelp with a country twang. “Applejack! Come quick! A minotaur has had a horrible accident!” A knee-high whirlwind knocked him into a nearby pile of hay, then resolved itself into a tiny pony wearing a bright red bow. “Just relax, mister, we'll help you as best we can.” She then continued on, but was obviously muttering only to herself. “I wonder what a cutie mark in deformed beast first aid would look like.”
“Well, throw me in a blender and call me a smoothie! That don't look like no minotaur I've ever seen!” Based on Fluttershy's description, Biff was sure that this was Applejack. “Calm down, Apple Bloom, he don't even look injured, whatever he is.”
“I'm a human. Fluttershy thought I should stop by on my way into town.”
“A what? Never mind, that don't matter none. If you're friends with Fluttershy, you're friends with the Apple Family.” Applejack helped him to his feet with a surprisingly strong hoof. “Now, why don't you tell us what we can do for you?”
The Apples were happy to extend their hospitality, and though he was assured he didn't owe them anything in return, Biff was happy to help out with the chores. Lunch was every bit as good as he had been promised, and he even stuck around afterward to help them finish up. Thanks to his hands, the day's work was done much sooner than expected. It was only mid-afternoon when he was walking back to the house, thinking about the good food, the healthy exercise, the warm feeling he got from helping... and the admiring glances he had been getting the whole time from four different ponies.
Applejack greeted him at the door and somehow managed to wrap her tail around his waist. “We sure are grateful for your help, Biff. If you don't make it home, we could use you around here. There's nothing like finishing early! If you're not in a hurry to get to Twilight's place, I'd like to show you something.”
Before she could continue, a screechy demand came from upstairs. “Applejack! You send that Biff up here right away!” Granny Smith sounded urgent. Biff was confused, as he had only exchanged a few pleasantries with her during lunch, including complimenting her cooking. She had been indoors all day while he was out working with Applejack and her siblings. He shrugged and made his way to the stairs.
A shocking site greeted Biff in the upstairs hallway: Granny Smith was facing away from him with her hind legs spread, her front legs crouched, and her tail whipping back and forth. “Since you were so helpful to the family, I wanted to thank you properly. If you liked lunch, you're really going to like dessert. Have some pie!”
Biff's brain briefly warred with his treacherous boner, and lost. It's not like it would be the first time I banged an octogenarian. He reached for his belt, but wasn't able to unbuckle it before he was frozen by a shout from behind him. “GRANNY SMITH! What are you doing?” Applejack didn't sound happy at all. A turf war ensued, but in the spirit of family togetherness, Applejack and Granny Smith soon agreed that they would both thank their helpful visitor. Unfortunately, in the short time it took for their spit-covered hoofshake, Biff had been roughly pulled through a doorway and shoved onto a bed.
“I want you to be my first. I bet I can get a cutie mark in xenophilia.” Her sudden attack of vocabulary was even more surprising than the fact that she had been able to haul him around despite her small size. As he tried to think of the last time he had even heard that word, she leapt up, straddled his chest, and started pulling on his shirt with her teeth.
This, of course, had given her elders more than enough time to catch up with them. “Apple Bloom, you stop that right this instant! Me and Granny Smith got dibs on him! Besides, this kind of thing is for big ponies.”
“I am a big pony!” Apple Bloom snapped over her shoulder. She turned back to Biff, glared at him, held up a threatening hoof, and asked “Right?”
He kept his eyes on her as he nervously nodded. “She am a big pony.”
“Anyway, I saw him first!” The others couldn't argue with that logic, so all of them decided he would have to be shared. He was quickly stripped of his clothing by two sets of teeth and one of dentures.
Granny Smith apologized for not being as young as she once was, saying that she used to be a lot prettier. To demonstrate, she pressed her hooves against her face and pulled her skin tight. Biff was suddenly inspired, and sent Apple Bloom to retrieve his backpack from downstairs. When she returned, he pulled out a roll of duct tape; Granny Smith was happy to go along with his solution. As he put the last strip in place, they heard a deep throat-clearing sound from the doorway.
This was the first noise that Biff had heard all day from Big Macintosh. In fact, he hadn't been sure if the stallion was more deserving of the nickname of “Silent Bob” or “the quiet Beatle”. Either way, he had certainly earned the adjective “big”, reminding Biff that he wanted to see the giant redwoods of California some day.
“Let me guess: you're gay.”
“Eenope.”
“So you've been having sex with your family and this is a territory thing?”
“Eenope.”
“You're straight, but you're here for me anyway?”
“Eeyup.”
“Well, I normally don't swing that way, either. Tell you what, why don't you come on in here for the sake of completeness. I want to be able to say I bagged the whole family. Are you cool with that?”
“Eeyup!”
The five of them spent the rest of the day doing things that would have made baby Celestia cry.
Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 4: So Awesome
The following morning, the Apples were much quieter than usual, speaking only when absolutely necessary. They also avoided eye contact with each other. Breakfast was delicious but awkward. The goodbyes they gave Biff were each passionate and done in private. Shortly after dawn, the farmer ponies returned to work and Biff set out on the road again.
He hadn't been walking long before he heard a distant cry of “Whoops!” that sounded like it came from somewhere overhead. Before he could look around, he was enveloped by a thick, gray fog that made it impossible to see. In addition, he was soaked almost immediately by condensation as the water vapor took advantage of the available surface area of his clothes, hair, and skin. He spluttered in surprise.
In return, he heard a scratchy but definitely feminine voice. “Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! That cloud wasn't supposed to get away from me, and I didn't see anypony there!”
The mist lifted almost as quickly as it had appeared. “Well, you're right about that, I'm not a pony.”
“You're not? That's cool. What are you?” The voice definitely came from above this time. A blue face surrounded by a rainbow halo was peeking over the edge of the cloud.
“I'm a human. A drenched human.”
“Oh, heh-heh! Sorry! I'd offer you a blow-dry, but I don't want to break up this cloud any more than I already have. I feel bad about this, though! Why don't I take you to my place to dry off? My name's Rainbow Dash.”
“Hi, Rainbow Dash. I'm Biff Studly. Where's your home?”
She pointed upward with a hoof, and seemed to be indicating another cloud. “Up there. Don't worry! I can fly you up! And my friend Twilight enchanted some cloud-walking charms so it's easier for me to have company over!” She disappeared out of view again, then flapped down from the cloud with a fine silver chain spread between her front hooves. She looped this over his neck and landed in front of him.
“Twilight? Twilight Sparkle?”
“You know her? She's a friend of mine. Small world.”
“No, but another pony named Fluttershy said she might be able to help me.”
“Fluttershy? She's another one of my friends.”
Small world indeed , he thought. Then the rest of what she said a moment ago clicked for him. “Cloud-walking?” He studied the small charm hanging off the necklace. The odd design on one side was lost on him, but he was just able to make out tiny lettering carved on the other side: Deus ex Equus . He was sure it meant something, and made a mental note to look it up later.
“Don't worry, it's perfectly safe! Shall we?” She flew behind him, shoved her front hooves under his armpits, and forklifted him off the ground.
They were at her home in moments, and he got to try cloud-walking for the first time; it was like stepping on a waterbed that wasn't completely full. While he was getting used to her front “lawn”, she opened the door and yelled inside. “Scoots! You'd better be out of bed! We've got company, and I don't want you being late for school again.”
Biff stepped inside the multi-story cumulus in time to see a smaller pony headed to what appeared to be a kitchen. “I was just about to have breakfast, Rainbow Dash. I'll be on time. I want you to be proud of me!”
“No worries about that, kiddo. Biff, this is Scootaloo. Scootaloo, this is Biff. He's a human.” Once again, yet another pony was incredibly casual about meeting a member of a previously unseen species; Scootaloo gave him a glance, a friendly wave, and not much else. He was starting to get used to it.
Dash zipped away and returned with a stack of towels; the topmost one was deep blue with yellow stripes that looked like stylized lightning bolts. Biff shrugged and started peeling off his wet clothing. Ponies didn't seem to have an issue with nudity, so why should he?
“So, is she your daughter?” The younger pony somehow reminded him of Apple Bloom, but where she was color-coordinated with her family, the orange filly didn't seem to resemble the blue pegasus at all.
“No, she's more like my sister, kind of.”
“Kind of?”
“Well, not long after she was born, her parents died in a freak accident with the drummer for Spinal Clop. She was living in an orphanage after that, but it sank into a swamp. So she was transferred to another orphanage, but that one was eaten by parasprites. She lived with a foster family for a little while, but...”
Scootaloo looked up from her cereal bowl and finished for Dash. “Spontaneous pony combustion.” She took the bowl to the sink and rinsed it off. Biff wondered briefly about how plumbing would be engineered in a cloud, but as with many other oddities in the past few days, he set it aside for later.
“So I take care of her these days. Which includes making sure she leaves to go to school right now.”
“I know, I know. Goodbye, Dash!” The little filly stopped by the door for a deep tongue kiss with her guardian before stepping outside. She hopped over the side of the cloud and fluttered down to the ground in a controlled fall.
“Sooooo, Biff... we have some time while your clothes are drying. We're all alone, the rest of the weather team can cover for me for a little bit, and I believe I still owe you an apology. I haven't been with a guy in a while, so I hope you don't mind if I get a closer look at that dingus.”
Biff moved the towel that he had been holding in front of his crotch. His love rocket was prepping for launch. “I think I'd like that.” He threw aside the other towels and stood there wearing nothing but the cloud-walking charm. “Where?”
“That's the great thing about living in a cloud.” She grinned like a cat before flying forward and knocking him down. “Every part of it is just as comfy as the rest!” In short order, their mouths were locked on each others genitals. He drank as much as he could of her freely flowing juices but was only able to get a fraction of it. Fortunately, nopony was beneath Rainbow's house, so there weren't any questions about the light drizzle that hadn't been scheduled by the Ponyville weather patrol.
For hours they invented a bewildering variety of positions, all four of his limbs tangling with all six of hers. They took breaks and replenished their energy with snacks and fruit juice. Thanks to her cloud home, very little clean-up was required – although a particular grassy patch on the outskirts of Ponyville was sticky for days afterward. One of their later breaks was spent discussing everything they had done and trying to come up with new ideas. Dash suddenly chugged the rest of her juice and perked up. “I have an idea!”
After hearing the description, Biff sprawled on his back and allowed Dash to straddle him. She sat down, eased his train into her tunnel, and slowly used her front hooves to pull her back legs up in the air. As she balanced on their one point of contact, her wings flapped in counter motion to each other, and she turned a few degrees clockwise. She continued flapping and swiveled more.
Faster and faster she twirled her passion pit, all the while keeping it wrapped around his spear and magic helmet. The tension built, the pleasure grew, and she was soon a rainbow-topped blue blur giving his junk the spin cycle of a lifetime. The soft clouds kept their moans of ecstasy from escaping, but they couldn't contain everything. As Biff and Dash reached their peak, a light show corkscrewed out of the roof. The very first Rainbow Helix seen in Equestria spiraled upward and disappeared, leaving only a series of shockwaves. A gray pegasus who had been passing by was caught up in the turbulence and tumbled around quite a bit. She regained control much more quickly than she expected, landed, and waved her hoof in front of her face. “Ocular nerve input has been optimized,” she said. “Neat!”
When Dash stopped spinning, she slumped to the side, rolled off of Biff, and collapsed beside him. They were both soon unconscious. Biff later woke up to an eager mouth on his torpedo. He opened his eyes and looked towards his groin, expecting to see that Dash had recovered before he had. Scootaloo pulled her face away from his plug-and-play. “You taste like Rainbow Dash.”
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Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 5: Whatever It Is Naughty Ponies Wallow In
Chapter 5: Whatever It Is Naughty Ponies Wallow In
After recovering from the torrid three-way, Biff went to go look for his clothing. Sadly, it had been a victim of the shockwaves from the Rainbow Helix Spinning Pegasus Speed-fuck (as it later came to be called). His shirt was in fragments, and his jeans had been damaged in standard comic book fashion: shredded from ankles to thighs, but reasonably intact above that. And while ponies didn't seem to have any issues with nudity, he wasn't sure he wanted to go outside with this minimal covering. He was especially grateful that the remnants of his jeans covered his modesty; he definitely didn't want to be walking around with his Beldar Conehead flapping in the breeze. Fortunately, Rainbow Dash had a solution.
“Hey, it just so happens that I'm friends with a clothing designer. I'm sure she's never made clothing for something like you before, but knowing her, she would enjoy the challenge.” She offered to zip down to tell her friend Rarity about the special project. While she was away, he gathered up all of the pieces of his clothing as well as his other belongings, and Scootaloo continued washing herself off.
Dash quickly returned and ferried Biff to the ground just outside her friend's boutique. She then zoomed off, explaining that she wanted to make sure that Scootaloo was especially careful with her wings. “Nopony can fly with sticky feathers,” she said.
Biff knocked on the door, which was quickly answered by a stunningly white unicorn. “Come in, come in! I'm Rarity, and you must be Mr. Studly. I can see why Dash said I would find this interesting! Let's get you measured, and I'll figure out where to go from there.” Once again, he was surprised by the casual acceptance of his otherworldly appearance; Rarity told him that ponies had a tradition of hospitality, and that she also had an obligation above that to “the proper manners of a lady”.
She showed what she meant as she worked; she was business-like but never cold while measuring him, and while she did ask him for quiet during the assembly phase, she did so politely. In almost no time at all, she had telekinetically created three new shirts for him, as well as two new pairs of jeans. It was then that he realized she would probably need to be paid, and he had none of the local currency, whatever it was.
“Oh, don't worry about that, dear,” she said as held one of the shirts against his chest to gauge its size. It looked perfect, but he should probably try it on just to be sure. “Just as I have skills that you obviously appreciate, Rainbow Dash tells me that you have some skills that I would quite enjoy.” Unicorn magic quickly snatched the shirt from his hands and set it down carefully. He then found himself floating in the air, moving gently backward as she removed his boots, socks, Bruce Banner jeans, and underwear. She plopped him down on a couch with a soft “pomf” sound and climbed up into his lap. This distracted him enough that he didn't realize the couch was a little short, but was otherwise ideal for human proportions.
Her coat slid across his skin as she put her front hooves on his shoulders and leaned forward to whisper in his ear. “Sometimes a lady doesn't want to be a lady.” His sausage began changing from a patty to a link – a long, long link. “Tell me my tea is sub-standard.”
Biff was confused. “I haven't had any of your tea.”
“Tell me!”
“Your tea is sub-standard.”
“Yes! What else?”
“Um, you have... gaps in your knowledge... of etiquette?”
“Yes! Tell me more!”
“Your comportment... is sometimes unbefitting a member of high society.”
“YES! Humiliate me! Keep going!” She was gushing all over his knees by this point.
“Your family line is lacking.”
“Oh Celestia, it's true!”
He was pretty sure he knew what she wanted to hear by now. “Your coiffure is aesthetically inadequate.”
“You're right, I'm such a dirty girl! Take me! Ravish me!”
She wiggled until the tip of his sword was at her sheath, and he pulled her hips down sharply, burying himself inside her. She yelped in a most unladylike manner. After a brief pause, they both moved and moaned together. Her couch was probably ruined. It didn't take long for her to learn that human staying power was most un-equine. She was so grateful for this discovery that he began to learn about telekinetic prostate stimulation. In short order, both of them came harder than either one of them ever had before.
The education continued for both of them. Perhaps the most notable finding, from his point of view, was that there was no handle for oral sex better than a unicorn horn. She realized that she liked having her tail pulled during anal. The rate of learning increased when her sister stopped by for a visit: Rarity found that she liked being degraded in front of Sweetie Belle, and Biff made the connection that screwing a pony who had a little sister was somehow going to lead to shenanigans with the sibling as well. He thought it might be fate.
Since Sweetie Belle hadn't made plans to stay the night, the three of them took a break before her curfew. She was showered, dried, and sent home to her parents. Before she left, Sweetie Belle promised to Rarity that she would never tell their parents what went on, so long as it could continue. Rarity quickly agreed. After seeing her sister off, Rarity went to the kitchen to grab some fuckfest fuel.
Biff finished off the scones with obvious pleasure, but all he did was eye the tea. At first she wondered what was wrong, but the heat began building within her again as she remembered. To her shock and delight, he poured the cup on the floor and told her to lick it up. She did so eagerly. He then stood and grabbed her horn again; she was dragged off happily, almost too excited to give directions to her bedroom.
Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 6: One in the Pink
Chapter 6: One in the Pink
Biff was dreaming about one of the Apollo missions. The count-down finished, the Saturn V rocket achieved lift-off, and he woke to his love bazooka firing into a welcome mouth. Rarity swallowed everything he had to offer, licked her lips, and flopped her head onto the pillow beside him. “Mmmm, that's taken care of me for breakfast. Limiting myself now and then to just a protein shake helps me keep my fillyish figure.”
Biff certainly wasn't complaining. “I'm certainly not complaining. In fact, ever since I got here, everyone has been so... accommodating. It's a little tiring, but completely worth it.”
“Oh, really? Do tell! The next best thing to a dirty bedtime story is a dirty story before getting out of bed. So when did you get here? How did you get here? Where are you from?”
Biff told her the complete story of being a human in Equestria with the four-part harmony, including the twenty-seven 8-by-10 color glossy photographs with the circles and the arrows and the paragraph on the back of each one. Rarity touched herself frequently during his tale-telling, but tried to keep her moaning quiet so she wouldn't drown him out.
“It sounds like you've had quite an adventure, dear! You've done so much exploring, and yet you've barely seen any of Ponyville at all. Perhaps a tour is in order.”
“If all ponies are as friendly as you and your friends, I would love that!” He smiled, and asked her a playful question. “Is there anywhere in Ponyville I should stay away from?”
“Well, you probably should stay away from Sugarcube Corner, and if you absolutely must go, DO NOT order Pinkie Pie's cupcakes.”
Biff chuckled. “Why not? Does she chop up other ponies for ingredients?”
“What? No! Celestia, no! You should stay away from them because they're very fattening. Pardon my Griffin, darling, but what the fuck is wrong with you? Only a sick piece of shit would come up with an idea like that.”
“Um, it was a joke I heard once.”
“Well it wasn't funny.”
“Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. Whoever came up with it – it certainly wasn't me! Whoever came up with it needs to be stabbed in the brain. Can you ever forgive me?”
Rarity had a calculating look. “Well, a good hoofing usually helps me relax.”
“I don't have hooves, but I do have fists.” And he showed her.
Later, Biff cleaned himself up and dressed in some of his new clothes. A very relaxed Rarity decided she would remain in bed a while longer, but gave him a simple set of directions to get to the library. One of the landmarks for his short journey was the aforementioned Sugarcube Corner, and once he was close enough to smell the baking going on inside, he decided that something fattening sounded pretty damn good right then.
He stepped inside and saw a rather tidy place of business. Behind the counter was a hyperactive pink blur; he thought it might be a pony if someone could combine all of the waveforms so that the peaks and valleys would cancel each other out. He was proven right after a few moments when the blur resolved itself into a pony except for the mane and tail – he couldn't shake the feeling that those were still blurred.
“Howdy, stranger!” she cheefully bellowed. “And you're stranger than most, at least around here you are, but that doesn't make you any less welcome here in Sugarcube Corner! We've got all sorts of tasty treats, so what would you like to buy?”
“Everything looks and smells delicious, but I'm sorry to say I don't have any of the local money. All I have is this.” He slapped down a portrait of President Andrew Jackson, wondering what she would make of a twenty dollar bill.
“Wowee! It's been a while since I saw anything like that! Let me get today's exchange rates.” She reached to her right and suddenly had a piece of paper somehow clinging to her hoof. (Biff thought static electricity might be involved.) She looked through the densely-printed rows and columns of a chart. “Let's see... qwatloos, ningis, melange, Imperial credits, gil, galleons... Here we are – dollars! American dollars to Equestrian bits... you can actually buy a lot!”
Biff was dumbfounded. “Where did you get that?”
She waved in a vague arc off to her right, and half of her foreleg vanished from view for several degrees of the journey. “Over there.”
“Where?”
“Same place I keep my party cannon, silly!” There was suddenly a respectably-sized piece of artillery next to her behind the counter.
“What?”
“It's hard to explain, but I'll try. Look, start with a straight line. If you add a parallel line and two perpendicular lines, you've got a square, right?”
“Right.”
“If you add a parallel square and four perpendicular squares, you have a cube.”
“Okay.”
“If you add a parallel cube and six perpendicular cubes, you have a hypercube.”
“What?”
“If you add a parallel hypercube and eight perpendicular hypercubes--”
“My head hurts.”
“Maybe it's just easier if I show you. Follow me.”
He followed her upstairs to her bedroom. At her urging, he got into her bed. She climbed on top, and with a surprising show of strength, she grabbed him and rolled the two of them together. She was on her back, he was above her, and his clothes were neatly folded and stacked on her dresser. They rolled again; he was on his back, his cock was hard inside her, and they were hanging in mid-air just beyond the edge of the bed. She rolled underneath him again and then back on top; they somehow moved up and away from the bed as if they had gone up a 45-degree angle. She wrapped all four legs around him and they started to rotate on the second axis, then the third. Had anyone been peeking in the window, they would have seen Pinkie and Biff floating a moment more, but then shrinking and disappearing. Oddly, it looked like they were getting farther away while staying in the same place.
Despite all of the spectacular sex Biff had been having in Equestria, this was still nothing like he had ever experienced. He could hear the pinkness of her mane, smell the soft texture of her coat, and taste her lustful moans. Her velvet vise was wrapped around his Highland Games regulation caber, and everywhere he looked was like Dave Bowman's journey into the Monolith. At one point they transformed into pure math; he was an imaginary number fucking an irrational constant (that still smelled pink). They flew through orbit around an unknown planet, leaving a whale and a bowl of petunias in their wake. An angry and angsty teenager in a bright blue outfit and a red cape stopped punching the walls of reality to watch them obscenely zoom past. One of the Great Old Ones took pictures of them with his smartphone. Without knowing why he was doing it, he reached under her tail to grab a loop that hadn't been there earlier and pulled gently; a string of Dyson spheres emerged from her butthole.
She writhed against him, shuddering in orgasm. She threw her head back, screaming in ecstasy with her eyes tightly shut. She was oblivious to the blue phone booth over his shoulder, or the fist that popped out the door to shake at them angrily. Biff knew he wasn't far behind Pinkie, and she could sense his closeness. She opened her eyes, locked on his, and begged, “On my face. On my face!” He pulled out and Vesuvius erupted all over the city of Pompeii. Suddenly, they were back in her bed, he was kneeling above her, and her smiling face was decorated with an intricate fractal set in semen.
She giggled. “Got it now?”
“No. Can you show me again?”
Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 7: Elements of Whore-Moaning
Chapter 7: Elements of Whore-Moaning
“I need to get laid, Spike.” The voice was feminine, frustrated, and just a little bitchy.
“What, again?” This voice was child-like, of indeterminate gender, and somewhat annoyed.
“Yes, again!” A purple unicorn stomped across the main floor of her library/home. Her bedroom was upstairs, and as far as she was concerned, her bed had been without a guest for far too long. “Do you realize how long it's been since anypony went spelunking in Sparkle Cave?”
A smaller form waddled behind her, some sort of stunted dinosaur-thing in a darker shade of purple. “You're disgusting.”
“Says the pervert who hides in the bushes across from the school! What would ponies say if they knew you liked draking off to little fillies? What would Rarity say? And anyway, I'm serious: do you know how long I've gone without?”
“Nearly a week.”
“Exactly! Nearly a week! Sweet Celestia, no wonder I'm so twitchy!” The pony was almost screaming.
The reptilian mutant grumbled, “I keep offering to give you a good spiking.”
The unicorn whirled around to face the short lump. “For the last time, Spike, no! Point one: you barely have any dong to speak of, and that's just sad. Point two: I grew up in Canterlot, and one of many things I learned in Canterlot is that you never boff the hired help.”
“I wasn't hired. You don't even pay me.”
“You're right. I only made your hatching possible. If it weren't for me, you might still be locked in hibernation in that egg, maybe for centuries, waiting for a big enough infusion of magic. It's a neat little defense mechanism, isn't it? The shell is nearly invulnerable until your parents hit it with enough energy to wake you up and break you out. It means the little ones stay safe from predators, even the orphans like you. But it also means I own your scaly ass! Now get me that copy of Sixty-six Super-sexy Summoning Spells for Saucy Sorceresses .”
The front door opened and Biff Studly walked in. “Hello? Is there a Twilight Sparkle here?”
The horny unicorn, Twilight, turned and inspected her visitor. “You're a human! I've read about those. I'm Twilight Sparkle. Can I help you?” She was pretty sure that he could help her; a human wasn't as exciting as what she had been planning, but it was still pretty damn exotic, plus he was already here. Besides, she could always summon a wi-a-bu tentacle beast some other time.
“My name is Biff, I'm not from around here, and all of your friends say you're my best bet for getting home 'cause you're a really powerful spellcaster. If I have to wait until you're done helping the frog, I understand.”
Spike looked ready to bite their visitor in the knees. “I am NOT a frog! I'm a dragon!”
“Oh. Well, I hope you feel better soon.”
“Gaaaah!” Spike stomped off.
Twilight spoke up. “He really is a dragon, you know.”
“Really? If you say so.” Biff didn't think it was likely, but realized that the little guy at least looked more a dragon than H.R. Pufnstuf did, not that that was saying much. Biff recalled thinking through his entire childhood that the Krofft character had been a deformed relative of Mayor McCheese. “Anyway, can you help me?”
“I don't know, but I'll try. It'll take a lot of research, studying, magical energy, and effort in general. Since I'll be doing you such a big favor, maybe you can do a favor for me?”
Biff had spotted the common denominator from his previous encounters. “Sex?”
The herbivore grinned like a carnivore. “Sex.”
“Sounds good to me.” It's not like it would be the first time I did the horizontal bop with a girl in exchange for her doing research for me. Biff had fond memories of his lab partners from various high school science classes.
“Fantastic! Let's go upstairs to my bedroom and you can scratch my itch.” Twilight led the way, flicking her tail like a windshield wiper. “Since it's my first time with a human, is it okay if I turn on the camera?”
“Camera?”
She giggled. “For science.”
“Just for science? Not for cheap thrills or for public distribution?”
The unicorn looked over her shoulder and winked. “Okay, some cheap thrills, but private use only. I promise.”
The bedroom was cozy, but the camera looked out of place compared to her surroundings, as well as almost everything else he had seen during his time in Equestria. It looked like a sleek and smooth digital model from back home. He learned otherwise, however, when Twilight tried to explain it to him while setting it up for their video shoot. He didn't understand half of what she was saying, but he could sum it up: it was magic so advanced that it appeared indistinguishable from technology.
She got the camera running and then hopped eagerly into bed. As he stripped, a glow from her horn turned into translucent bubble around them. “Soundproofing,” she explained. “I can get kind of noisy.”
Later, when they were both exhausted, she dropped the sound barrier and levitated a towel over to him. She then used her magic to clean the bedsheets while he wiped off his soaked forearms. “That was exactly what I needed. I'm not your first pony, am I?” She turned away from him and yelled, “Spike! We could use some energy drinks up here!”
“No, you're not. I've been with a few since I arrived, and they all say they're friends of yours.”
“No kidding? Good for them. Who should I thank for breaking you in?”
“Well, there was Fluttershy...”
“She finally got some? Great! Pinkie will probably want to throw her a party.”
“I also had sex with Pinkie Pie.”
“No surprise.”
“I spent the night with Applejack. And her siblings. And her grandmother.”
“The family that lays together stays together.”
“I also did it with Rainbow Dash...”
“Ha! I knew she wasn't a full-on lesbo! Rarity owes me ten bits!”
“Oh yeah, Rarity. She's seriously kinky.”
“She is? Details, please! I have to know what it was like when you fucked her!”
There was a crash from the top of the stairs followed by an agonized scream. Liquids in unnatural colors spilled from the tray that had been dropped to the floor. The alleged dragon ran forward. “You fucked Rarity, you bastard? She's mine! I'LL KILL YOU!”
Biff flinched and tried to use his arms to shield his face as the billowing green flames surged towards his head.
Dude, I Am So HiE Right Now (a parody)
Chapter 8: Ever After
Instead of the expected blast of heat, Biff felt intense cold throughout his ass and the backs of his legs. He looked down to see that instead of Twilight Sparkle's bed, he was now sitting on marble tile. He looked up and made eye contact with yet another pony. This one was solid white, was much taller than all of the others, and had a mane like the Aurora Borealis. Strangely, this one had wings and a horn at the same time. She also had a predatory smile.
She licked her lips and practically purred as she spoke. “A human. I haven't seen one of those since I wore out my last one centuries ago.”
Biff spent the rest of his days as a sex slave to ponies. He never remembered his real name, and he never, ever got to go home again. Some would call this a terrible fate, but many others would cheerfully fight each other to the death with tree-trimming equipment just for the chance to trade places with him.
