Chapters It felt good. But I never said yes.
Where did my choices go.
Where did anything I said ever go.
How would the story begin? The beginning? Dinky didn't know the beginning of the failure. Maybe it started before she was born. Her sisters Cloudkicker and Sparkler did always seem to, if not actively hate each other, at least find the faults that the two had and try to turn everything into a competition. Her mother's eyesight was failing. Her dad was dead years. And didn't didn't know what her plans for Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns entailed anymore. She loved her equinity sisters of Mare Mare Mare, but they were sometimes too harsh on judging ponies who decided that they weren't right for them. And Dinky's grades after that semester fucked her GPA. Breathe, Dinky. Let the voices stop.
Do you want them to stop? I don't think you do. You little ponies like feeling inadequate. Or at least you do. You and your nice-
Problem. Dinky had a problem. She looked at her crooked horn and tried to get her aura to calm down. It fluctuated a hue of colors inside and outside through the emotional spectrum. Shifting blues, reds, yellows, black. Those were common. Never green. She didn't feel a good deal of will after that happened seven years ago. The thing that made her grow up. Both mentally and physically. She had gotten her cutie mark then. Though she did have to hide it for weeks because it would have made waves in the idyllic town of Ponyville. After all, she was just a unicorn with little voices and her magical font didn't work right.
They tried to fix it. The surgeries. Twinges of pain. Drugs. Exercise. No matter. It was always because of her brain, only the doctors didn't tell her until the last time she was able to be in the Children's Wing of the Ponyville Hospital- the free clinic for the children. You know, the place where dreams go to die.
Dinky shook her head and wiped a hoof over her face to clear away the tears. She was imperfect. She was born imperfect. Everybody else was born perfect and she got to see the rejects. She was a reject. Her life was framed by rejection.
Do you remember Prom? How good you looked in that dress of yours? And you with those two stallions on your arm? What a looker. If only your mother hadn't set up the dates with them. What was the name of the mare you wanted to ask out? I know you know.
She breathed. She wouldn't let the voices begin to make her think the thoughts again. They were just-
Silence. Dinky's side hurt as she picked herself up. She looked around. Her side hurt. Every time she moved. she could feel a shooting pain in her side. Wasn't her sister Cloudkicker and her husband Thunderlane with her? What did she do?
daydreams.
They didn't tell the future or anything. They weren't memories. They just made her paranoid with fear.
But how would her story begin?
Maybe she would start at the beginning and work her way up.
Author's Note
What does that mean?
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Sometimes These Cuts Are Deeper Than They Seem
I don't remember my childhood.
Sure, I got all these baby pictures of me in hospitals, on a beach, in my aunt's house laughing it up with my happy family.
Smiling the smiles that people are conditioned to want others to have when asked to smile for a camera.
I used to be happy. Where did it go? Where did everything go?
I know where it went.
My earliest memories are not memories though- they are pictures and you can always lie about pictures. I have things from my earliest pronounce any word with a 'th' sound without sounding like a hard F. Thine fine will be done theses feces damn.classes in therapy about my issues with magic and how they thought I couldn't talk because of developmental issues.
Real fucking mess there.
Is it fun to think that your perfect birth caused your family to splinter.
Hey mom, can I play with Dinky when she's out of the hospital?
Hey mom why does she have to wear a cast on her horn?
I got basic flashes of memory though- like a camera going off so fast that you have a home movie in your head but disjointed and uncanny enough to scare you that you have no real memory of these events. Just ponies telling you that you did things and they were important because you did shit. Do memories exist because you remember them or do they exist because you were told stores about your exploits and you internalize the falsehoods?
Now my family lives on perfection. Or I could say that we try to hide the fact that we seem to hate each other. I thought my childhood memories that I could remember were perfect- though I only remember the ones that happened after we moved from Dusky Shades to Ponyville. My sisters- Cloudkicker and Sparkler remember the old house better than I since I was six when we moved to the Ponyville school district.
Lets just say that we moved because of the fact that my teacher couldn't handle being dumber than a five year old. IQ tests can do that when a 180 is a genius.
They gave up after I reached the eighth grade math levels.
Now I am terrible at math. Wonder what that says about my capabilities now or maybe I peaked when I was five.
Does this influence the rest of the tale about how my family hates each other? Not really- just wanted to put in some context.
My family was fivefold. My parents- Derpy and Time Turner Hooves, my sisters Cloudkicker and Sparkler and then little old me.
Being the young one seems like the perfect one thing that ponies want. Ponies want to be appreciated. Being around a decade to a decade and a half younger than your siblings can mess you up though. Sure I was six when Sparkler entered the School for Gifted Unicorns- Cloudkicker was already out of college and planned on doing something with her degree in child care. Strange degree- but I guess the idea that every pegasus needed to be a perfect top tier athlete and get into the weather factory is just wrong headed.
Sparkler on the other hand went into my father's profession of magitech.
Really not much more to say on my family and their professions.
So now the real story of what I term my memories can actually start. Just remember one thing- maybe not all memories are truth. For even the best narrators can lie about what really went down.
Author's Note
I am in misery.
Now is it a happenstance idea that my life turned out this way?
Not really. Its my own fault trying to connect with ponies that are toxic to my mental health. Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I have been pushed so far that I no longer care about anything. What self esteem? I have none. You could call me the most well adjusted pony hiding a borderline personality disorder ever and I would have to agree.
Hard to hide the truth in front of your face when it stares back at you.
Sure I can be the most happy joyous pony in a room but the switch can go on and I can hate myself for weeks.
I have been so close to darkness that one day I just wonder if I will finally be pushed to the breaking point. Though by this point, I have had some form of luck to not just start stabbing and just not caring if I live or die. I wonder if that is completely sane. Maybe my constant want of a relationship is unhealthy but I can't handle the silence.
Maybe my high school experience had to do something with it.
I have always been quiet. I haven't ever really needed to stand up for myself because of Sparkler and Cloudkicker or my mom standing up for myself. My mom always said I was her perfect little muffin. I could do no wrong. My family smothered me with affection and now I have no clue what to do with myself.But my mom always thought that I had something bigger to do. She set up so much for me. I both love her and hate her for that, but I think that's just my mind trying to make me want to hurt myself. That happens a lot. Now her idea for her little muffin was for me to go to the best college and get my doctorate and sing historical facts in a foreign language on the nearest street corner for moolah.
Complete and utter crock of shit there. But my mom likes the fairy tales. If she ever liked to read. She gives me books so often, I can't finish them in time- and I read fast.
Now maybe my high school experience would have been better if I was friends with the CMC and not Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They weren't actually terrible ponies if you knew their normal lives. I mean not at first anyway.
Silver Spoon and DT were the best of friends. DT's mother had some major personality changes after Discord came to town that one weekend. Sure he didn't entirely make everyone turn into cannibals and eat babies, but he just accentuated DT's family iron fist. She was more often than not grounded for opening food and 'wasting' it or talking back to her own mother.
Silver Spoon on the other hoof, was secretly more incestuous than the rumors of the AppIes, I could never figure out her family tree since she used familial connections like 'my brother is actually my half brother and my mother is related to my dad via second cousins so my family reunion is just a redneck family get together.' And Silver Spoon was actually decent at everything country because of her quietly redneyeck life that made Applejack countryisms sound positively up and coming fancy.
And I never got much more of friends than that- sure I got more out of my shell during senior year- but that was more or me trying to separate myself from the constant abuse that I accidentally got myself into.
Now maybe it was all my fault that I got into a secret relationship that stretched longer than seven years. At least my bicurious self accidentally started it. I am not perfect. And I know that now.
Because DT and SS were my only friends, they hung out a lot at my house. My mom loved it. She thought I was having the best time of my life and because my friends parents were absolutely terrible- my friends thought my mom was the second coming of Celestia. Hard not to seem like a god when your parents are terrible ponies. But we got it off nicely for years. I told them everything. They knew everything about me and I trusted them.
Well nice to know that they betrayed me and kicked me to the curb once stuff happened.
My mom still asks how the two bitches are doing- social media or otherwise and it makes me have shivers down to my core everytime she asks, How do I tell her that stuff. How does she not notice my pain.
My friends were good but I kept noticing weird quirks that I noticed that they didn't give two shits about me.
I retreated into my shell via comic books so each knew the basics of nerd shit. Me much more nerdy than my friends. I was the smart one. They shifted back and forth being the most likely to be in prison for life. I went more for DT than Silver but that was because Diamond had a zebra in her family tree. Is that fucking racist? Sure, but everypony is a racist scumbag. Our schooling is rather insulated against other races.
One time my friends came up who I would be as a superhero- and they chose Professor Wheels of the X Mares.
Their reasoning was that because I was a cripple I had no real skills and hopes to be actually heroic so I should be grateful that comic books even tried to put in crippled fucks for me to look up to. It still hurts. I don't think it will stop because that was the first time that my friends turned on me and used their words to highlight a disability that I couldn't change. I can't be faulted to be born this way. It was all chance and nothing else. Nothing I could do.
Another time my friends made up a secret code for sexual encounters. I don't remember any of it. But I know that we never wrote it down or used it in any way. It was just a late night rambling code of nonsense. I just remember that I was never even thought of existing in said sex code- because I have no ability to get laid. Its useless for me to even want a marefriend or stallion because I was a non entity in getting laid.
You know, the typical mare shit.
I watched so much pornos to ease the pain. I got in all comers from the Rug Munchers Part 69 to the Cockwranglers Brokeback Edition with- surprisingly enough- Braeburn Apple. Never did ask Applebloom why her cousin was a porn star bu I didn't mind I just stuck my hoof in my honeypot and tried to stop thinking about Cheerilee, I'd come home from school and finish my homework and just watch pornin a secluded spot. I had no life. Being a cripple kills your chances at sports and not being in sports in Ponyvile meant youhad to find enjoyment elsewhere.
I just chose porn. I know I have a problem. Don't patronize me.
Its better than my best childhood memory which happened right after I had a surgery for my magic issues. I needed a way to walk around because my magic was connected to my legs. Blame me being born early for that brain fuckup. So I needed wheels that connected to my legs to move around. But my friends thought it would be cool to use me as a way to get around withou walking so I gave them rides for weeks without saying anything. Just to feel like I was useful.
Author's Note
I picked the thorny path myself.
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Crush All Hopes of Happiness Cause of What You Did
Breathe. This is where my story really fucks up my life. Ponies say there are pivotal moments in your life that forever change you- but this moment made me who I am. You know besides the family that seems to be falling apart. Now I never talk about my past because its just too painful. But I guess I can make an exception since Doctor Hooves told me to get something on the page and try to work past my nightmares where I can't figure out if I'm drowning in blood or if I'm drowning in my blood. Semantics really, still drowning in blood and hating myself. You know I almost offed myself yesterday, but then I realize I die so many times in my sleep when I'm dreaming I can't believe Luna hasn't called the police.
Fuck.
Now my story needs a bit of words to liven the reality of getting raped. Wow so edgy but really. Do you know how it feels to be raped for years on end and not being able to say anything because the ones raping you are the only friends you had before going to college. I do. I replay the things every day. I can't touch people without flinching. I can't shake hands. I can't do a lot of things and its all because once you get raped. Its like something breaks inside you and you just try to hold the pieces together and smile.
Our story begins when I was twelve.
"Dinky, you are such a little bitch. Come on. Its only a swear word. Come on just say shit. Shit. S. H. I. T." My friends were being their normal selves.
"Shi- I can't do it. I mean my mom told me it was a really bad word."
DT and Silver Spoon sighed. This week during our slumber party they wanted me to say as many swear words as I could because it was funny to them because I never swore so it held weight.
"Okay maybe well try this in the morning cause you are being a pussy." Diamond and Silver grabbed their sleeping bags and turned away to get ready for sleep. I puled up my covers and heard both of them start snoring after a few minutes.
I felt so hot. I inched my hooves down to my nether regions and heat radiated back to my hooves. We had just been taught what sex was in Sex Ed from Nurse Redheart and I had already guessed I liked both mares and stallions with how my dick and vagina seemed to enjoy both of those things. And yes I faked you out. I have both genders so fuck you type casting me as female- I might seem mostly female but hey I can be male too.
And fuck me but I told my friends and shit went down but that is later.
So yeah I was currently masturbating off to the sleeping forms of my friends. I was twelve, horny and confused because I personally didn't fit the small town gender identity spectrum.
So I looked down at my unconscious friend Diamond and did what any person would do. I slipped off my covers- my six inch dick standing proudly at attention and just sat there watching her sleep for a few minutes. But I got rather bored and my legs were rather in a knot with laying on them and sit so I began to get rather creepy.
You know more than just masturbating to my friends and watching them sleep.
I pulled down her covers and noticed her own prickly muffin on display. I leaned my head down and just sniffed its musky odor as she didn't know how exactly to clean one of these fucking vaginas and shit. But it smelled somewhat inviting to my hormone addled brain. So I aimed my own honeypot to hers and just started rubbing and bouncing on her body like a wild animal. My dick was spurting its seed all over my chest with how I was sitting and it felt good to rub it over my coat. After I think fifteen minutes passed, because as I found out DT was so fucking impotent that it would be like ED for mares, I finally felt her insides clench around air and I got off her as she marinated in her juices.
I felt fucking fantastic until I heard Diamond wake up and tell me that she was awake for that last half.
"Nice dick you have there you dickbitch. Now if you don't want ponies to know how you are a fucking creep and you'll never get laid again- then lets just have these sessions whenever I ask you to. Nice job slut." I could hear Diamond laugh herself to sleep.
I really didn't sleep that night. And I always come back to this moment in my mind. If Diamond hadn't woken up, I wouldn't have had to live through retribution for this one act for seven years. That's one every weekend or so for forty weeks approximately for seven years. I thank school holidays and vacations for the times we couldn't get fucked. Though that didn't stop my mom from inviting my friends every time we went on vacation. So even then I wasn't away from my new rapist.
So maybe I deserved the emotional abuse I got. My brain sure thinks I deserve it. I still have nightmares about how often I got raped. Do you want to know when my life went downhill- that might be the start. Now if only my dad hadn't died then I wouldn't have lost myself for the next seven years and treat my pain with dicks or pussies or anything because after you lose the ability to say no- you are a sexual object to people. You don't have worth. You just exist and you feel like you are a dead pony walking.
Author's Note
But sleep never comes to you its the guilt and forever wakefulness of the weak
We Love You Very, Very, Very Much
I'm going to get this off my chest. I both love and hate my parents. I just want you to know that going in. You'll see more of my mother later but I can't tell you what happens after until I deal with the elephant in the room. I did have a dad- kind of hard to miss that I exist and shit like that but I did have one. He didn't leave me out to dry and have us live in poverty- though that did come close after a thing or two happened. But he didn't exist for me.
And never mind that he looks like my current psychiatrist- I just chalk that up either to me not having a psychiatrist and hallucinating that part or in Celestia's wisdom hat there's a fuckton of doppelgangers that show how limited the color palette of ponies can get. I hope its the second choice because I don't want to be more crazy than I thought I was. Back to my shit dad.
I mean he was there for my sister and brother and they have pictures and memories about being with my dad. Sparkler and Cloudkicker have memories of him teaching them how to build things and Sparkler's whole career was patterned after Time Turner showing them how science and magitech worked in tandem. Not that I'm complaining that I can't build one of those and Sparkler rides my cock about that or that she forces my mother to pay her for services rendered whenever Sparkler was asked for help. Well okay my family is a messed up batch of crazies- and I'm not kidding we all have some sort of depression mantra anger issues and overall want to off ourselves. But that's what you get when you take two families with mental instability and make them breed.
But yeah fuck my dad.
My siblings remember hanging out with him in Griffonstone where he was fixing the local economy and bringing them up to speed on technology. So they got to hang out with him and see the sights while me and my mom stayed back home in Ponyville. Or maybe the time that because the traveled to Griffonstone ten years before and because I wasn't born yet, they fucking lived there for three years. Now that was during the time we were fighting Yakyakistan during this time so they had to flee the country because Equestrians were getting attacked and shit. But yeah they lived damn far away and moved back and then some years later I was born. And ever since then, we haven't really had fun vacations. Its like because of me existing- they don't do anything at all.my
I mean they get at least average memories with my dad- he still was an inveterate douche that made my mom pick him up at work while she was pregnant with Cloudkicker all those years ago. But my mom did like him and lived with him for years.
Didn't mean that they got divorced. Though that might have been because he had a girlfriend in Griffonstone that he was living with and fucking. I wanted to put 'possibly' in between those words but no he was doing the business with her- not just because it was his personal assistant.
I never said my father was perfect. He knew how to run a company overseas and make anybody love him that worked with him. He knew how people worked. He gave his workers bonuses of things they actually needed to survive. And he wasn't that bad to us- he paid alimony and child support, sure he could have been a terrible fuckwit and left us alone to rot halfway around the world.
But he didn't do that.
I mean is it worse to be abandoned and not feel love from a parent or is it worse when you know that parent tries to love you but you are unsure if you are his first priority?
Because .I say its the latter.
I mean he always sounded interested in what I did for the day and living across time zones had to have been hard when talking to me. When I went to bed- he was waking up and getting ready for work. But you know, being the first thing your dad thinks about after waking up and before going to bed is impossible when you literally can't imagine it. I know he at least knew I existed. But when you live in a small town and everypony has family ties out the ass and does the cute thing in public? It gave me a hard time. Everypony seemed to have wonderful lives and I always had to explain to people where my dad was and not hear the disappointment of having a dad that worked overseas.
But I got my memories of my dad when he got laid off when the economy turned to shit. This was after the divorce and yelling match that was the only time I heard my parents fight. It messed me up. Because it was loud enough for me to hear it outside and I couldn't get away from it- it was an echo filled neighborhood so our neighbors heard it too. I still wonder how the police weren't called because it was at least a 'we should check this out' noise. Not a 'domestic abuse' thing- just a 'domestic disturbing the idyllic peace of our neighborhood' noise.
So yeah. It was after a mostly clean and fifty fifty divorce.
Surprisingly, my dad's friends actually liked my mother- I mean she is the life of the party when she gets going. But I never thought dad's friends would completely disown him once he divorced my mom- she did keep the last name though. Going back to a last name you hadn't used in nearly three decades would be weird. And fucking costly.
But they disowned him for divorcing mom. So he had no place to go. And my mom being my ever welcoming mom invited him to stay at our house. It made some sense since if she didn't do that, he'd be homeless and being a diabetic. . . that would be pretty much a death sentence.
So I got to live with my whole family- besides my siblings. Cloudkicker thought we would lose the house during my parents' divorce so she bought a house nearby just in case if we lost it. And Sparkler married into the Apple Family when she married Big Mac. I never knew how that worked but I guess they were highschool sweethearts and one of the few ponies Sparkler opened up to after we moved from Dusky Shades a few years back. Besides the fact that my mom and dad were still footing the bill for Sparkler's education- my mom wouldn't stop paying that bill until years later when Sparkler got a consulting job with a tech firm- the two ponies were independent.
But those eighteen months were hell.
First, I had this idealized idea of my dad. Well fuck that. that was shattered once I went out to dinner with him. Every time we did that, he found a way to complain about the food and almost always never had to pay for a meal because he was such an abrasive person he found a way to have the restaurants lose money just to get him away from people.
And I had to watch every time. Because of this issue- every time somepony complains about the food to service staff while on dates- or fuck that I've never been on actual dates- when my mom has been with her multiple boyfriends- that's better- or just out with friends; every time someone complains I get fidgety and find ways to not confront the problem. Like going to the drink fountain or to the bathroom or anywhere else than seeing the people I'm with berate food service staff like waitresses and the like when most of the time its not their fault.
Or like my dad did- complain about how much salt was used. I know he was diabetic but there's a time and a place for that shit and complaining about something as minuscule as the amount of salt on your food is just petty.
So yeah I have a fear of confrontation and somehow my dad started me on that path.
So besides the fact that my dad was an inveterate asshat to servers- there were two more major memories that shape my memories of him.
One day he broke his leg right before I was going to get my horn checked out. Now he said he was totally fine and while he was being a little bitch for complaining about hurting his leg a little bit, we wanted to check it out. Now I will preface this with that my entire family and sometimes me included can be terrible to people in pain. We often laughed at people who were hurt- it's probably why I like Ponyacci's slapstick routines the best- but really we can be awful. So because my dad had diabetes, there was always the chance that he would lose his limbs if he didn't take good care of himself, and believe me when I say that he totally didn't take care of himself. So we weren't surprised when we rolled up to the hospital and found out that he didn't just hurt his leg like we all thought and though he was being a bitch over. No, his leg shattered into little pieces and somehow the meatsuit part that he called his leg was staying together while the inside with complete bone fragments and internal bleeding.
And what did everyone in my family do when we heard that?
We fucking all bust a gut laughing. So we all were there in Ponyville General laughing like maniacs about how my dad would never have a leg and how it needed to be amputated. Looking back, that's awful how we treated my dad after all that.
But he said that he was fine and we had to drag him there so maybe it was just a mediocre way to cope with him having to spend months in the hospital while he wasn't working and we were on the cusp of bankruptcy because of him being laid off.
Now six weeks or so before my dad died, my sister Cloudkicker got engaged to Thunderlane. And then she got married a week after my dad died or was it a few months? I don't care specifics in my story- but it was real close to after he died maybe three months after tops.
Now putting this into perspective- my whole family thought my sister was gay. Cause she just wasn't interested in dating at all. Haha serves them right though cause look how I turned out. But seriously, we all thought she was gay so when we heard that she was getting engaged to a stallion we lost our collective shit. My mom brought her boyfriend number 3 that I don't even remember anymore because a parade of terrible decisions my mother Ditzy makes is only memorable when the terrible decisions turn into inveterate douchebags and fuckups. So me not remembering this stallion is actually for the best.
And Sparkler was pregnant with my first niece out of the five piece set I soon collected. When I heard that news I high hoofed Big Mac. Not the greatest idea since I then realized that we were in public and saying good job to the stallion that knocked up my sister was in bad taste. I was fourteen. Screw decency.
So there enters Thunderlane and we lose our shit. Mostly because bets are off that my sister was gay. So we planned a wedding- and blame the two lovebirds that they planned a wedding super fast. It was rather like a story book wedding and looking back to it- much better than Sparkler's hot ass wedding. Cloudkicker seems to do better in life accomplishments even when her and her husband are janitors. Sparkler seems to do better with material objects and wealth porn. I think that because Cloudkicker's kids aren't demonspawn while Sparkler's kids have throatpunched me and kicked me in the crotch and shins for a laugh more times than they I can count. Those kids are why I hate children and hope to maybe adopt- maybe. Even then I think 'man those are shit ass kids with no boundaries.'
But less on the issues of issues. Because soon after that generally okay meeting with Thunderlane- my dad got sent overseas and after a while got fired again. Not because he didn't know how to do his job. No, it was because his organs were shutting down slowly and he was starting to go insane as his heart tried to survive multiple organ failure. From what I have heard from my mom explaining it and her talking to his coworkers- it wasn't a clean process. It was slow and painful and lasted for at least two months as each organ slowly failed and then just quit.
He slipped into a diabetic coma one day and just didn't wake up.
I only had one conversation with him during that time and that was hours before he died.
We all did.
"Dinky, say something to your dad. He might not wake up." I saw can see my mom holding back tears and I picked up the phone to silence. My dad was on the other end hooked up to the only things keeping him in a vegetative coma. With all the organ failures- he was only living because of that.
I felt like this was a play and I was just playing a part that wasn't real. Nothing was real. My dad was going to live forever and see my sister's wedding and grandchildren and my wedding and live until he died peacefully in his sleep at ninety and have everybody by his bedside and have a beautiful moment. He wasn't going to die halfway across the world.
"Hey, dad. I love you a lot and I'm going to miss you," I felt tears well up in my eyes as the feeling of being helpless and not there for my dad hit me. "School was pretty good today and I hope you'll get better so you can go to Cloudchaser's wedding. I- uh, don't know what else to say but I'm missing you a whole lot and I can't wait to see you again."
Is what I would have said if I could remember exactly what I said. This is just a shitty recreation but either way I heard that my dad was crying as I was talking. And that just makes it so much worse when I think that he couldn't talk back and could just hear my voice.
The next day I woke up and he was dead. Thankfully, my friends were over and Diamond was somehow for once not being a rapist. I just heard that at the kitchen table and literally started sobbing. There's only one other time I did it to that extent and that was when my boyfriend broke it off with me.
I don't get truly emotional anymore. Not after all the things I've had to deal with. Its just easier to wear a mask of emotions and have the hurt on the inside. Its easier to treat yourself like you don't matter. Nothing matters if you want to be happy.
Why is it so hard to be happy?
I miss you dad. I still can't look at the picture you had of me that you kept on your desk that showed me when I was six and on the cover of a local magazine in Dusky Shades. Thinking that you looked at that picture of me smiling at six years old looking so happy and showing it to everyone who went in your office. That sticks with me and that's why I keep that picture in the back of my closet as far away from me. It hurts too much to see that and not think how much I fucked up. How you could have maybe done more. All the birthdays you missed, the things we could have talked about. The life moments you missed. The fact that you were dead before I entered highschool. You missed my graduation. You'll miss both my college graduation and marriages that I could have. Kids. I can't even hear you congratulate me when I get a job.
I don't even remember your voice at this point.
You just exist in my baby photos that I keep in my closet and a video that you filmed while overseas. You don't even show up in that- you're the one filming it. You just laugh. No words nothing. No closure. Not a 'you did good son. I am proud of you." No my siblings got that. They might have had to deal with your iffy parenting methods and issues but they at least had a connection with you. I got phone conversations that I can't completely remember and you being an ass to people.
I don't know if I should forgive you or not- maybe you tried your best but you could have shown that you cared more than 'oh look how he cared for you cause he kept a photo near him and cared for you enough to keep you alive.'
You were there but you weren't. Halfway across the world isn't a way to keep any relationship stable. And fuck you. I don't forgive you for how you almost bankrupted us because you used credit cards terribly or used mom's credit. Sure we are fine because you had a great life insurance policy. But my mind still finds ways to blame myself for causing that. Yes a fourteen year old causing a family to lose house and home. Its silly but my mind doesn't care.
I wish I knew you better than this but I don't I never will.
And that is why I say I never had a dad. Cause being a father isn't just alimony and money paid to keep your kids happy while you are banging side bitches on the regular. No, its more than that. Its all the times I needed you and you weren't there. There's only so much I can deal with a dad who only talked to me for five minutes a day for years and then appeared out of nowhere for eighteen months.
It just never is good. Not all parents are the best. And some try harder than others- my mom tries. But even she fails sometimes. My dad?
I'd much rather not talk about him. Its easier that way.
Author's Note
Where are we going?
We're going to a party, it's your birthday party.
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I Wish I Could Do Better By You Cause Its What You Deserve
Dinky stretched her muscles as she tried to get the pain out of her neck from spending all night writing in her journal. Sometimes it was nice to take a break- maybe sleep, maybe just masturbate like her life had become this summer. You know besides the continuous staring into mirrors and seeing herself in coffins and her family being overall shits.
And maybe she needed to get some cathartic feelings after how her last journal entry made her realize that her father was both a terrible person and a tragic figure. So she looked down at herself and thought what she could do. Her room was a literal mess and her mother Ditzy was going out with her friends to see a movie today. The two of them were going to spend time together like how they watched tv together or went to the movies on Tuesdays cause Ponyville had free popcorn day.
Dinky liked those days- they were so peaceful and she got to see a movie. But Ditzy had a friend come up and they wanted to see the movies together. So her mom chose to got with her instead because she just couldn't say no since 'she forgot to go with said friend last week to the movies.'
So Dinky was just sitting in her room bored. And her fuckbuddy wasn't on. The grey mare, for she identified more as a female today, sighed as she rolled around on her bed. Her 21 years feeling tired as her horn sparked a bit as her twinges of pain happened again as her surgery scar stared at her right below her hairline- visible yet faint enough for most ponies to not warrant a second glance. She pushed her hair into a presentable condition and cleaned the gunk out of her eyes. Staying up all night talking to Screwball did that to her. Her coat felt dirty as she felt the dried leavings of her constant masturbation session streaked across one side of her chest and her hooves felt sticky as she realized that she had been nearly masturbating constantly for two days as her mind went blank as she had orgasmed so many times that her whole room smelled musky.
Must just be another growth spurt on my cock, she thought. She glanced down at it as she sat awkwardly on her bed- its turgid purple shaft winking at her with a dried bit of cum on it. She thought back fondly to the one time Diamond tried anal and had her stick it in her.
Except for the fact that Dinky could never even attempt to fit it in her since, even then, her shaft was just too big to fit in a tight ass like that. Not a great pun- but actually happened.
Puberty had been kind to Dinky in that regard- her name kind of ironic at the shaft that leaned heavily against her thigh. Its beating rhythms showing that it was working like a racehorse to grow. She gingerly held it in her hooves gently massaging the head and shaft as she thought of it growing forever bigger into a bloated turgid mass that made walking difficult because of its size.
Bad slutty girl, aren't you?
Dinky blushed as she heard her darkness inside teasing her. Teasing her with sexy ideas and her now girthy footlong stood at attention proudly. She absentmindedly stroked it as she crept out of her room and past the sleeping form of one of her Mare Mare Mare sisters. Vinyl Scratch, DJ-Pon-3 in the house. Dinky chuckled as she wobbled on three hooves the bathroom. Stepping over the debris that scattered the room that Vinyl was using as a den of drinks and pizza, Dinky got into the bathroom and shut the door.
Slowly, she turned on the water and tried not to think of the droplets of water hitting her sensitive cock. This thing was more trouble than it was worth since every time she tried sex with anypony, it sounded like they were dying of impalement or it just wouldn't fit anyway since Dinky seemed to be bigger than most porn stars nowadays.
She went through the motions of a shower and after a while the warm water felt nice on her tired back.
Fifteen minutes passed and she walked out of the shower and grabbed a towel in her pinkish aura.
She heard Cloudkicker come with her kids through the door upstairs- Sparkler and her Apple brood didn't come over often= so Dinky quickly ducked into her room and turned on the computer so she didn't have to deal with the issues that she didn't want to with. One time she wanted to see how often they came over to the house and Cloudkicker had a avesat down andrage time of every three days- Sparkler had an average time of fuck off.
Dinky looked at her room as she sat down. Comic books and books from the manga artist trade that was being made in Griffonstone.
Some giant looking robots and horror books. Even some religious texts.
She needed something to give her life meaning and the fact that books were easily gotten and never changed their love for her made her life incredibly depressing and sad. Notebooks filled with poetry that she didn't want others to see or filled with story ideas lined her desk. She'd get back to those later- stories were incredibly personal affairs for her and the fans she did have had to wait. Flights of fancy were common, but there was often a few lines in each story she truly liked.
Booting up her computer took a minute and she sighed. This summer had kind of sucked ass. Vinyl and her mom hit it off immediately but Vinyl was a bit loud and rambunctious and overall okay in small doses. Ditzy had also got boyfriend number ten with Hugh Jelly- didn't know how that pairing worked but he reminded Dinky a little too much of her father.
Well you aren't wrong there. Imperfections are similar.
Shut up head. Shut up.
She looked at the wall of musical instruments that greeted her sight- she had taken a few private lessons from Lyra on stringed instruments when she was twelve and another shorter round when she was in highschool with Octavia who was a few grades ahead of Dinky. Those were good times. She used that knowledge to have a moment at the school's talent show that stuck with her. It was the only time she felt free in school with all the bullying and emotional abuse going on.
Octavia had pushed a sigh up sheet in her face and gently forced her to sign up because she thought Dinky, of all ponies, had actual talent for mainly teaching herself the guitar. She had accepted and freaked out for weeks afterward. The idea that she would stand up in front of her own school and sing something terrified her. Social anxiety can be like that.
But she did.
And it was the happiest moment that she could remember. She felt free and since it was right after the school tried to fuck up her transcripts to get into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns it felt so filling that she enjoyed everypony looking at her and not judging her for being a cripple. Not judging her for fucking up a lot. Just enjoying the music.
Just enjoy the music. She thought of that a lot while jamming on her guitars and other random instruments her somewhat hoarder of a mom gave her on her birthdays. Three guitars, a Zebrican drum, a mandolin, ukeleles, and a balalaika instrument from Yakyakistan.
She was drowning in instruments.
This is why she didn't have many truly happy memories anymore. And maybe why she wanted to kill herself so often. How do you deal with memories turning dark- not because you did anything to them but because your famiy's way of showing love is suffocating you and you can't escape or get free and just feel the noose of affection cutting off your ability to breathe calmly and relax.
You can relax when you are dead. Fucking do it. Pick up a knife and do it. Your mother just sharpened her kitchen knives. Or maybe jump out a window and hit the ground. Die like the suicidal fuck you are. Die you cunt. You are so worthless you miserable slut.
Stop it. Stop it stop it it stop. Breathe. No panic attacks. Use that breathing exercise Twilight taught you. Just breathe.
Don't look in the mirror.
Sometimes when Dinky was violently suicidal, she saw things in the mirror. Things wearing her face. Things with their knives slicing into her skin and laughing.
She hated herself. This is what emotional abuse can do to ponies. The feelings of worthlessness and use alternate with feeling fine because what you are feeling is internal and you can hide it until the next time your family notices and tries to help you but because they didn't notice the rape and abuse and literally let them be in the house- you try to explain but explaining that you got raped by your friends brings up victim blaming- why did you not come forward, she seemed nice, why why why. And then you realize that you can't say anything without it feeling like somepony is judging you, patronizing you, objectifying you. And you retreat inward trying to escape but you find the harshest critic you know.
Yourself. You know everything about yourself. You know how to make it hurt. And you can never turn it off.
I call that part of me Darkness
That's why I don't have many happy memories- partly because I was so sheltered, partly because we never traveled, and mostly that I find ways to turn Darkness off.
He speaks to me. Telling me everything that I am too afraid to say.
And maybe he's right.
A ding from my instant messaging part of my computer wakes me from wallowing in misery and I wake up realizing that I was so close to stabbing myself with a knife I must have taken from the kitchen.
Another day another way for my subconscious to want to die.
Dinky still liked her online friend and even though she had never been closer than a city away- except for vacations that were near Screwball's house. And we did fuck up a few months ago and break off the sexy part of the online bit. But Dinky did still like Screwball even if that happened. She might always like her. Not to mention that she was one of the only ponies that Dinky told everything to.
'Mi Amore how are you doing?' I clicked my instant messenger and replied to my totally hot girlfriend that somehow wasn't my girlfriend. It was complicated.
'Good except for the fact that my sister is back already and my mom is dating yet another dude.'
'That's awful. Sorry I couldn't talk my dad took my computer and sent it too the moon because it needed a break and I can't wake up my mom because the sun went down.'
'Well at least your life is exciting, goofball cause my mother is just trying to reconnect with me this whole summer. And her eyesight is getting worse so I don't want to have her go blind while I'm doing nothing and waiting for school to start back up to get away from my awful family.'
'Well why don't you just count down the days til you get back to school to see all your friends you talked about sorority mare.' Then just a winky face emoji at the end.
Sigh. That brought up a whole other batch of issues with them.
'Screwy, is it bad that I don't really want to go back to school- I mean after a while its just painful to see all my Mare Mare Mare girls and realize that they have their own flaws. I try to fight the stereotype of a frat being on the movies but they can have their own traditions that weird me a bit out.'
'So fuck those ponies and the things they do that annoy you. See the good in ponies.'
'Thanks goofball, you know if you didn't live in Canterlot and I didn't live here in Ponyville I'd totally fuck you right.'
'I know Mi Amore, I know.'
I stared at my computer screen. I would have written more but I heard my mom call me upstairs for food.
Fuck.
You want to see what marriage is like? Take my family. My sister has two kids. One is currently three and fucking great to be around- literally she is the only reason that I enjoy them. Besides the fact that ever since I got five nieces I've lived through the Disneigh phase five times and that I am now a connoisseur of such great works as 'Dude McLovins' and 'Breezie Oil Tanker' and what the shit.
And the children's songs created by the devil because they're always terrible.
But somehow I like two out of five of my nieces- one because she's cute and gives great hugs. Damn that sounds weird and creepy but seriously she's super happy to go to grandma's house and see all the toys and see everypony. Little Jonquil is adorable. Like one of those paintings hack artists do in magazines.
But then there's Cloudkicker and Thunderlane. My sister I do like. Same humor and similar issues as me with depression and shit. Also she can fucking bake with the rest of them. Thunderlane on the other hoof is just a neurotic mess when he has to deal with stress. He's terrified of flying more than he has to and he's a decade older than my sister so he's closer to my mom's age.
And he doesn't shut the fuck up and whines constantly about things.
And he doesn't retire jokes. Literally, I watched porn once and he walked in on me- because fuck privacy- and now he won't shut up at any chance that I watch porn every second of every day ever. Every sexual pun I make he retorts with 'how slow is you computer running. Or why are you getting a new computer is there a virus on it?'
So he can be a fucking ass when he starts talking because he's annoying.
But nevermind. I said I liked two of my nieces. Jonquil was the first and she's three. The one that really causes the issues that annoy me is Jasmine. Yes my family names their kids in a similar fashion. Jasmine was born with some brain disorder thing and shit went sideways and she needed some surgery. Like major surgery in the brain region. So that fucked up my sister's whole issue and that caused a lot of fights about her being okay.
So there's reasons why I don't like my sister coming over so often- because if you combine my sister's control freak attitude, my brother in law's neurotic tendencies, and a kid who needs attention all the time- they yell a lot.
And partially forget the older one's existence. That's why I try to be a good aunt to the both of them- I see that my sister is focusing more on the one that had surgery and not the one that is normal. That happens a lot.
There's one reason I have never said to anypony as to why I don't like them coming over. Haven't even told my mother and she knows that I hate them coming over so much.
I see myself in Jasmine- figuratively. I see her living out similar things that I had to deal with in my life. Everything flashes before my eyes and I think to myself that that would not be a fun series of events to watch. All the bullies and people taking advantage of her because she's an easy target. Its hard to put into words how terrible kids can be to others that are different- think of being the new kid forever. Its like that. People notice you for your disability first and make snap judgments on that fact.
I didn't go overseas for that fact. I tried to get into a program that sent people on trips overseas cause it came in the mail and I never went away from home before that so it sounded cool. Well I did everything I could to get in it. We paid money and went to meetings. Got everything we thought we needed. And then the interview happened.
Social anxiety tried to kick in, but I beat it. Rocked the interview and just as I was about to leave in perfect spirits. . . one of the interviewers asked why I was limping so badly. It was because my magical reserves got fucked up by being born early and shit happened. I told her about the whole disability thing like I had said so many times that it became a second nature question to answer.
Her response was "Oh, we had someone like you before. I hope your issues won't make it hard for you to go on the trip."
I didn't leave happy. I quickly shook everypony's hooves and booked it out of there dragging both Cloudkicker and my mom out of the building as fast as possible. They didn't ask. We cancelled the whole trip but not before months later I told my mom about it and I was sobbing how I didn't want to go on the trip and that she should cancel while I was in the hospital getting my horn checked out.
I was going to go a semester abroad this year- but I decided not to and I think I'm going to take out that major- all because a similar thing happened in college.
So that's why I'm terrified about what will happen to Jasmine and why I hope she won't have any developmental issues being one and all- because I know personally how dismissive people can be when they see a disabled person.
It made me self conscious about my body image and my disability. Now I think less of myself whenever I think of that moment.
Ponies can be so nice to others but their statements can kill someone's drive to succeed. I just think I'm shit now and that one random ass old mare killed the last of my self-esteem.
Author's Note
And when you cry a piece of my heart dies knowing that I may have been the cause.
Children'sProgrammingIsTerrible
I Know I'm A Sinner But I Can't Say No
It was a typical dinner. Nothing special to report except that my cousin Snowflake is in jail again for doing something stupid. Typical family problems really. Screaming kids and Disneigh movies. Sister still okay. Man if I off myself one of these days, I don't know how ponies will take it. Knowing my family it'll blindside them. But every time I see my future its nonexistent. I'm already done with my shelf life if my fourteen year old self is to be believed. Twenty one. That's my year I die. Doesn't that sound awful that I made a death pact with myself? It doesn't to me.
Because I did that during a time that I locked myself in my room in the old house in Ponyville- my mom got a new house this year.
Never told my mom how close I was to jumping out my window. It was the only time I got fed up getting emotionally abused by Diamond. Let me just say that like my feelings for my parental figures, my highschool friends were shitdicks. But they had a reason for that- a terribly stupid reason but a reason. First of all their parents were fucking weird as shit as I said before. And secondly, Ponyville was a small town. Don't ever say that small towns are idyllic and cute and the pinnacle of Equestrian society. They are racist, homophobic, and just plain terrible places to live. Sure they have a less chance of you getting offed by a crazy fuck with a weapon but small towns are like serial killer factories. Everypony is nice in front of your face and behind your back they hate you.
You get paranoid just thinking about it.
So being fourteen. Let's get back to that. So yeah by this point I was a good cock whore for Diamond. She pulled out the weird toys that money could buy and since my dad died I turned to sex as a coping mechanism. The pain was still there. Its always there. It doesn't go away it just gets easier to not dwell on. And since I hit puberty, my cock and vagina were always ready to go. It always felt bloated and it was because it was growing to its present state of being a footlong cock and the width of a filly's leg- so that was a massive improvement for Diamond raping me- she was too scared of me fitting that pulsing monster in her because she freaked when it was half that size. But you know how that goes. I don't mind that it seems weird that I had a dick that was so huge and yet she still raped it. She just used the tip really it couldn't fit much more than that.
Diamond even had her own code for getting laid. Whenever we had a moment that was slightly gay, as in me being happy to see that someone came over and acknowledged my existence- I hugged them. Then Diamond thought it always got too awkward. And then she said that shouldn't we take this to the bedroom.
And then we fucked. Every time we hugged in my house. In my bedroom.
I couldn't say no. Or in theory, I could. But then Diamond was a whiny ass whore and when she was horny she always wanted it. She wouldn't take no for an answer. So after a while I couldn't say no unless I wanted her to ask if we could fuck every five minutes. And that's with that whole threat thing. After the first year, I became numb to threats. Its hard to threaten someone who had someone die that they are related to- so after my dad became a vase that held his ashes- I didn't fucking care about that at all. She could have threatened me with death and I wouldn't have batted an eye.
But she could always annoy the fuck out of me.
During one of our sleepovers, Silver Spoon walked in on us doing the deed and she almost puked. Isn't it nice when your secret gets found out by ponies not knowing what privacy is? So Diamond never had to tell Silver what was going on- the bitch walked right on in and saw it.
Now we got enough backstory for why I made a death pact with myself. Raping, check. Terrible friends, check.
So Silver joined in the fun- not raping me but because Diamond was very insecure about being seen as gay and Silver was her friend. They made fun of me together for years like fucking hypocrites.
Why didn't you kill them in their sleep
I wanted to. I looked up poisons and suicide methods and types of knives and I knew how the idea of killing something worked. You killed it because it brought you annoyance. I became really dark in thoughts. After my dad died was the worst. Combining the constant dreams of me either getting raped or committing suicide was a third type of dream.
The 'I'm going to dream of scenarios of how to murder my entire school.' dream.
It was the only dream where I was in a position of power. A very messed up position of power nonetheless and I got to see my fantasies of me shooting everybody or shoot some ponies and then do a rape scene with the mares.
It was a messed up fantasy. I was messed up.
But when I locked myself in my room and pushed a chair in front of it- that was to keep Diamond away from me- that was after Silver and Diamond had called me gay for three hours straight. My mom was away so she couldn't see this happening and she came back after the thing got resolved. But still it broke me. I tried to laugh about it but they thought it was funny that I was so hurt by it
Then I didn't come out of my room for two hours. And they got worried and Diamond Tiara talked me into opening the door and we talked about how that was kind of a terrible thing to do- joking about sexuality and treating it like a joke when it is a major part of your sense of self and you want to share the news with somepony and they just find it the most funny thing. They don't treat you with respect.
I said something like that to Diamond and in all my years of knowing her- she apologized for calling me gay. Silver never brought up the 'icky bisexual' bit again and that was when we truly started to drift apart. That was the time that I realized that I needed to separate myself from the very painful shit that I was dealing with.
My mom still asks if I hear shit from Diamond or Silver on Trotter or Ponybook. They haven't said a word to me ever since we got out of highschool. Whenever my mom asks about them, I try to either answer the story as simple as possible or I deflect the question into another thing. With my mom's multiple sclerosis, she can't remember things all that well.
I wish she remembered things better. Maybe she just says these things that my mind takes as hurtful because she literally forgot.
I heard that Diamond has a boyfriend now- didn't ask who but that's a thing.
I wouldn't be so pissed until I think of the times that she forced me to have sex after I had a few major surgeries. Do you know the feeling of sex when you are in casts? Its uncomfortable or outright painful. There's no good position and because you are in casts- the blood flow to your extremities can feel outright pinched off or numbed because its all going to dicks and shit like that.
Or the time after my last major surgery where I got metal conductors in my horn. Diamond came over to say hi and show off her bod- army school can do that to a pudgy bitch and turned her skinny. I stayed fat and she turned hot. And I have a fucking muscle fetish. If I say I like your muscles, I will say so you dimwitted skank that I had to tutor through highschool. I was probably the reason you had a high enough GPA you whore. And after the niceties were done, Diamond went to the bathroom with my phone and took nude pics and sent it to dudes.
I wondered why I kept getting horny dudes calling my phone for six months afterward.
Wouldn't have known that had happened unless I looked in my pictures and saw a face full of vagina and sluttish mugging for a phone camera. Nude pics are an art and even I have taken a few of my dick to ponies. But there's a bro code to this shit- you use your own phone and unless you enjoy the certain photos you took- its etiquette to delete them. Diamond was a bitch.
She cheated on me multiple times. I lost count at seven other dudes fucking Diamond. She always told me about it during our sex sessions. Like 'hey bitch I fucked Featherweight' or ;hey you know Pipsqueak- the dude you almost had a backbone to ask out to prom?- well he's my date and I fucked him too.'
I was the one that helped my friends get dates. Mares often like hearing nice things-
There we go another tantrum and fight by Cloudkicker and Thunderlane and tantrums and shit. Its been two days and they still haven't left. I haven't slept more than four hours a night in three days. They don't stop bitching about each other or the kids or work. This is why I don't want kids. I see that Sparkler's a narcissitic pony that doesn't watch her damn kids so they run rampant and Cloudkicker's marriage sounds more like the beginnings of a borderline unhappy home that I can't believe they aren't divorced. Oh wait, I remember why they aren't divorced it costs too much money so we get the yelling matches and what almost sounds like borderline domestic squabbles of death.
I don't want kids- I don't deserve them. Nobody does- its just a way for the race to survive and thrive. Children are just literal parasites in the eyes of science. So fuck that. Anyway I'm so paranoid I can't hold a baby without almost getting a panic attack. I just see them and I see every way that I could kill it.
I don't touch babies.
-back to the reason why I was the matchmaker of our group. I always knew what to say. Bitches love compliments and even though I had never been in a long term and not rapey relationship with a mare- I read a lot of romance novels. Shit, I read most of Twilight's collection of books before Tirek blew that shit up. I'd always spend two hours after school reading books so my mom could get off her shift and pick me up. And books don't hurt you. They don't want you to be hurt. They are escapist fantasies that keep you away from the harsh realities of life.
So most of my ability to read people came from books and the television- Sapphire Shores has a damn good talk show and I never missed her. She was my favorite. Not just because she had a bumping career as a musician- but because the camera was where she felt natural. She was great to see her tackle relationship advice every weekday.
So I synthesized those references into a background of knowing usually how people would react in certain situations- never having to say much because not everypony was hot enough for my standards and that I was just tired of relationships. At this point, since my dad died- my mom has had shorter relationship lengths than seven years- not counting my mom's three decades of marriage to my dad- I've had longer relationships. Dude or two a year- because Ponyville has so many mares I don't know if my mom's tried the other sex. I don't believe so. I could have become common law married to my rapist.
I got my friends dates. I helped them graduate highschool and they treat me like I am a nonexistent motherfucker.
'You know Screwball did offer to find Diamond and knock her the fuck out?
Mmm. I remember that. I liked that a lot- and its a thing I think about constantly. But I think that people like Diamond and Silver Spoon don't deserve to just be knocked out. If I was going to my Highschool Reunion at all- except wait. I hate every one of my highschool companions- except for like a few. Most were just homophobic, sportsgod, cheerleader, illiterate, idiotic fuckwads that just typify the culture of a small town.
Fuck highschool reunions. I'll just do the thing that I did when Diamond took Pipsqueak to the prom. Drink energy drinks, eat ice cream, and not sleep for two days. Because I was the one that said to Diamond's face how much I liked Pipsqueak. I was going to kill myself that night. I didn't.
Author's Note
Oh. why can't I be making love come true?
Can You Hear My Voice This Time
Freedom. Its a great idea for the suffocating mare that has an overbearing family. You get away from the ponies that are always on your case about something- and getting away from my highschool was great especially after I got my diploma right after I had surgery the second to last time ever- so there's that. That was an awkward two minutes of my life and I don't know where I put my diploma now- and my mom never took pictures of it- yet again don't have a record of existing. I only have an album of baby pictures- one, while my siblings have like ten heavy fuckers.
I just vaguely exist. I know I could kill myself and people might miss me- but since the only people that make me happy is Jonquil, my niece who can still get on my nerves- and Screwball who I've been dumped by and yet I still have wet dreams over. Even though we have never been in the same room, I still get so horny when she talks to me.
I might feel bad but if I had to off myself soon, I'd only feel bad for them. One, because Jonquil is three and a good age at remembering me- my other nieces are mostly all older, but they are possessed by Tirek and outright terrible to me for being five. So fuck their little faces cause I don't fucking care if I hurt them. After I got throatpunched by one of them I don't even want to be in the same room as their uncontrollable selves.
And Screwball, I really wished we could have worked out. I wish that every day. I'll miss you and your cute self. Not because you think that you're cute but you treated me like a human being. I'm sorry I thought you were a male when we met. I didn't care either way what sex you were as long as you didn't treat me like a pariah outcast. If you treat me like a person and not a joke- I'll love you even if you continually say how much you don't deserve shit and you're going to be dead anyway and that you have a harem like an anime character.
Even if I died, I'd still find a way to do something there.
Just wanted to put that in there so if I woke up and went 'I'm going to kill myself in a few hours' I got the goodbyes in spirit out of the way. Cause Screwball might be saying that she has a shelf life of three more years- I don't think I have that. I don't see anything and I try to hide my complete and utter fear that envelops me at how easy I could fuck off and die. My grades are shit- I lost important files for my sorority since I am the secretary and I'm awful at computers. Like I fuck up everything I touch so why not drown my sorrows in alcohol and sex. I mean I thought I would off myself before school started just so I wouldn't have to go back and get outright roasted for getting shit grades and being an outright failure. I'm a failure at everything. I have no skills- I'll never get skills. Why don't I slit my wrists and die?
Its just getting so hard to separate my mind and suicidal thoughts as this semester draws closer to school. I thought Mare Mare Mare- the sorority I joined would be a welcome respite of complete trash that my homelife has become. It was good overall. I mean I felt like I fit in at first- they are welcoming for me being a cripple and unable to do much. But then the ways to recruit people are either A. Talk to ponies like a natural person or B. Play SPORTS or video games. I'm okay at the video games part- but I don't know how to talk to ponies thanks to my complete and total social anxiety and natural quietness. I think getting raped for so long made something inside me break and now I'm incapable to do anything ponies do. Talking to them terrifies me since personal space and loyalty is sacred to me. Why not- I got raped by my highschool friends and my college friends think gay jokes are funny affairs. Mare jokes are bad but gay jokes are comedy. I think its our society having a scapegoat for acceptable humor- mares got empowered and stallions got scared of being called sexist so they moved to hitting the gay stereotypes and jokes hard.
They aren't terrible ponies- just misguided.
I am drowning in school- it took me until the last week of June to sign up for classes. Cause my school sucks with signing up for that shit.
I killed my GPA and I can't complete my foreign language major in time so I have to drop that soon.
I lost the documents that told me how to do my job being a secretary of my sorority and now that makes me have panic attacks if I fuck up there- I fucked up so I get defensive whenever they question me. I shouldn't have said I'd do it. I'm a terrible leader in bad situations- why did I say yes. Why did Vinyl Scratch bow out of that race and endorse me? I realized that I'm a fuckup and I didn't expect anything. I don't know how anything works and I've been doing it for six months. Maybe I should kill myself. Our Alumni Adviser told us about a time a few decades back that somepony killed themselves in our sorority and everypony showed up and had a beautiful moment. I'd love to see that but someone has to die first. And maybe that's just me. That would be great. Fuck, I don't have anything to lose. My family is a selfish mass of ponies that now wonder why my mom hoards and spends money like she does. She wants to disown ponies and shit.
Its all a mess.
Maybe if I die I can save everypony and can fix everything. Everything can go back to when I didn't exist. I mean when I was born my family stopped being good ponies so fuck it I'll either destroy my family or save them.
And I don't want to face my problems. If I did that- I'll be criticized by everypony and with my borderline personality disorder I don't think that is healthy for me to always hear the negative.
I get no recognition if I do something good in my sorority. And that makes me want to say fuck you guys because you can't just do that- its like I try so hard and nothing. I can't catch a break. I miss one thing in meeting minutes and everypony calls me out for it. I use the wrong font. I don't do it in an orderly time frame- even when I can barely do homework and get four hours of sleep a night- I can never win. So what if I lost the how to manual on how to do my job- I hated it from day one since they think writing shit was easy.
Its not and you fucks don't even say nice things.
This is why I drink so much when I do- a third a bottle of vodka was my first time with alcohol. I was nineteen and it was highly illegal. I don't remember any of it- except that I do.
I drank it because I felt worthless. The first semester at college was awful. I knew nopony and when I joined the sorority I told nopony that I also had a cock. So I got super wasted and started hitting on anything that moved. And I was so happy. I was so happy.
Only I wasn't.
You never truly get away from the pain of being a terrible pony- you just mask it with a poison. Buying things to fill a hole in your heart, sex, booze, drugs. I've tried everything- the weak stuff like marijuana but still drugs. Also I did morphine once but that was for surgery- that fucks you up and I felt like an addict when I got off of it after the stuff was over.
I have a high tolerance for alcohol. I've drank bottles of wine, that one time I did vodka, and I do shots of alcohol like movie producers do cocaine. But I either become an insatiable sex fiend or a crying mess.
There's no inbetween.
Pot just makes me hungry and look at clouds like I saw the meaning of the universe and make me sleepy. One out of ten wouldn't recommend.
I don't like my school. I had to take a semester off a while back. It sucked more than you'd ever know- it makes you feel like you are a non living being and that everypony else is having the time of your lives.
I hate my school and like my home- it has now become a prison.
Author's Note
I might only have one match, but I can make an explosion.
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So Just Look At Them And Sigh And Know They Love You
I talked about my father and how because of his death I turned into a slut. But I have only hinted at my mother or vaguely referenced her existence in this story. This time its for her. And me because maybe I can make Screwball understand how both my parents were not the paragons of virtue that I thought they would be. And why I am scared to change and why I'm so fixated on being either a slut or having mental breakdowns every few days.
I never really knew much about my father's side- except for the fact that he had family and that a good number of them were some shade of crazy. I've only met part of that family twice in twenty years.
My mother's side is much more known to me though- and I think its nice to say that its very good to get this bit off my chest because we had a memorial for one of my uncles a few weeks back and I got to see all my family on that side until the next time someone kicks the bucket.
Probably still going to be me kicking that bucket soon so probably going to be the last time- and it doesn't help that I like my cousins more than their parents. Because they are okay to be around- the ponies my mom's age- or older are just awful fucking ponies. Homophobic, slightly racist, bossy people that I don't remember being so absolutely awful.
My mom was the second youngest of seven kids that lived in a suburb of Canterlot. Her dad was part of the pegasus rescue team that kept the city safe from fires and whatnot. Her mother was the type of female pony that took care of the home. Nothing of note happened in her early life- marriages of her sisters that were a decade older than her were happy occurrences for the family. She did have one younger sister as well named Bright Eyes- I don't know much about her.
That's because she died really young.
From what I can gather from my family's talk about her it happened when a routine checkup at the dentist turned sad. The dentist started the laughing gas shit that normally knocked out ponies and for some reason left the thing on by accident. He left the room to answer a phone call or some shit it was fifty years ago- I have no clue what he was doing- probably fucking his assistant. When he returned my mom's sister was dead.
She doesn't talk about it much. I think it destroyed my mom's family for a really long time. I just wonder what she would have been like as an aunt. She could have been cool but I don't know.
I think my grandparents and mom moved a few years after that to Appleloosa and she ended her schooling there, There's not much to say about my mom's early life because A. it didn't involve me and B. she got married right out of highschool.
Fast forward through the years of my siblings growing up and doing shit, getting married and whatnot and getting families of their own.
Now mu mom is a great pony to a lot of things- she was a Council Member of Ponyville for a bit because even in her state of destroying the Town Hall- the town liked her metaphor for what she would do when she got elected. That was a fun few years where she actually was liked around town for changing things- yet disliked for speaking her mind. She had gone to community college when my brother was little and she took a argumentation class and did well in it. Ponies were always surprised when she could debate them just fine since they saw her as not a threat.
But even that came to an end and she went back to working her day job- dad had just died an we had almost went bankrupt with how he spent his money so wastefully in the last few months.
My mom always liked helping others feel better about themselves- even when that usually made her kids feel worse about themselves. If she sees a person sitting alone eating dinner, she approaches them and leaves us alone. She can talk to cashiers for twenty minutes while we wait outside to go home, She vaguely hits on anything that moves.
She's been with ten stallions in as many years. I don't remember most of their names but most turned on her and were terrible people. Clearly her family saw this and she did nothing. One of them almost drew a gun on Sparkler when we ordered him to move out of our house. Another was a literal freeloader who only did as much as we told him to do- or less- and didn't help at all when my mom moved to her new house. He threatened to sue her.
One died in her hooves. He had a heart attack on a hot day and didn't call the hospital and called my mom to have he fly over and pick him up. He died right as she got there.
I don't feel comfortable talking about her boyfriends outside of vague stallion number whatever the fuck because I don't know how my mom deals with having so many failed relationships.
I think I learned that from her because I think she's afraid of dying alone.
I am afraid of being alone. Alone with my thoughts. I try to joke about all the bad things that happened to me- but I know I don't actually deserve to have a healthy relationship. Getting raped can do some weird shit to your outlook. Screwball and me didn't work out partially because college schedules fucked me over. I did too much. I thought I could have it all. I was trying to not continue hearing from my siblings how their schooling was different and that I was literally wasting my time and how could I fail classes when I had fourteen credits and Cloudkicker had twenty eight. Sparkler said shit too- but it took her a decade for her to do anything meaningful with her life and I think she almost scammed one of my mom's friends out of twenty thousand bits as a loan for a business venture that went nowhere. My mom's friend wised up and told her that she needed to actually pay back the free will loan cause losing 20k on a business venture was fucking a lot of money.
Also back onto the topic of Screwball's and my failed relationship. She wanted it and tried her hardest. I was just terrified. Maybe I jumped into a relationship too fast after cutting ties with Diamond. It had only been seven months since our last rape session where I said this wouldn't work. I was twenty. And Screwball appeared out of the blue. I was afraid that even the best relationship would get fucked up because that's what happened before her. Or that maybe it was just a joke. I couldn't have someone like me for me. The real me is useless and a cripple and a rape victim that couldn't say anything now because statute of limitations or something- or that rape goes unreported because of the societal flaws of seeing victims as creating tales to get attention. Either way I was too cautious and external factors caused the split.
I really wished it could have worked. That was the happiest seven months of my life.
I'm still jacking off to Screwball in my head even though I know she might be bad for me. She said that outright. I've heard it. I know. But a part of me doesn't care. I've been through getting raped. I have no shame in being in an abusive relationship. I have no feelings of happiness or joy outside of the faintest twinges of that. Otherwise I just want to slit my wrists when I can't hide my insecurities beneath being a slut and addicted to a pony.
I know I can't sustain this course of action but I don't get a break from anything. I break it off with my rapist? I learn that I can't do much of anything about my disability and that the doctors were lying when they said I'd outgrow it since the main problem is in my head? I then have to drop out of school for a semester because of surgery? I get a girlfriend and she dumps me for another pony n her harem? Cloudkicker has been here in my mom's house five of the last seven days? Sparkler is a bitch? School is shit?
I don't get a break. There's me just drowning slowly as my life gets worse and worse. I use sex and alcohol to dull the pain. I'm sort of just a viper sucking all the life out of something until I die.
My mom can't bring her boyfriends near Sparkler's kids. Sparkler and Big Mac the wheel of misfortune/ the dating shame that is my mom's dating life brings creeps so she can't bring any of them to the house or she gets disowned from seeing the kids. Her grandkids.
My mom and Sparkler never see eye to eye and Cloudkicker and Thunderlane fight all the time.
I've seen my mom cry. You know the feeling of seeing your mom break down and cry about how she pretty much has to have failed somewhere if Sparkler is a pompous bitch and Cloudkicker's marriage is always a thousand bits away from a divorce lawyer. It was after Sparkler yet again ruined Heartswarming Day dinner because of her anger issues. Everypony left- me with my mom and Cloudkicker with her family unit. The snow was falling sort of light on a cold day and we were ambling in the woods near our house and my mom just stops in the middle of the road and starts sobbing about how she failed as a mother. But she had me to fix her mistake- I was always the perfect child.
Besides the fact that I had drank underage, been raped for seven years so as to have a fearful idea of giving my all to relationships, smoked pot four times and had plans to kill myself.
But yeah I was the perfect child.
That killed me inside.
The only other time she cried in font of me was when she had a few drinks a few weeks back at the memorial and my two sisters ragged on her because she never drank so in their eyes she didn't deserve to drink and enjoy herself because that was not their idea of how she looked to them.
Also we were staying with Cloudkicker and Thunderlane in a house because it wasn't in Ponyville and was vacation. We all were at each other's throats for everything and after a while of that- four or five days- my mom said that we: her, me, and Vinyl who she invited on the trip, would be leaving before the week long memorial was over. Probably didn't help that Sparkler said that Ditzy and Time Turner never helped her pay for anything and that she was a self made mare. Also she had a bit that 'if ponies were unhappy at their dead end jobs they should just go and find a new one'
Sparkler didn't realize that in her dream world logic that she had worked at dead end jobs and that if she didn't scam people out of their money and have dad's old business contacts she'd be shit out of luck since she went to the University of Phoenixes and got a degree that isn't always accepted in her line of work.
Reality man.
We left and yet again its funny that I'm my mom's last hope.
I think she forgets that I came out to her and said I was bisexual. And that while I was bisexual- I preferred stallions.
She always says how much she prays for me to have a good wife. I don't want a wife, I want to be the wife. I know I will have a good wife- I'll be it.
I told her after I got tired of one of her friends- who was like seventy- kept continually using bad terms when it came to gay marriage and I finally just snapped after they left and told my mom that I was bisexual.
I would have done it sooner but Screwball broke up with me- Hearts and Hooves day was the worst ever. The day after I saw my family and was just numb. I was going to say right then and there because my Hearts and Hooves Day gift to Screwball was that I was going to say I loved her. That worked out as much as I expected when she said for the last week that I was going to hate her and she broke it off the day before Hearts and Hooves Day. That was the worst eight hours of crying I did in my life- I didn't sleep at all and didn't go to any of my classes because how do you focus on homework when you get destroyed like that. I just didn't care what would happen. And I bombed my semester grades partly because of that. I just stopped caring.
Maybe I could have fixed that but looking back I said that I loved her in my own way- I just didn't use the words I love you. I just tried to be there. Maybe it would have worked out better if I never took that secretary position in my sorority since that ate up so much time.
I just hate that I had dreams of me finally liking myself with Screwball being there- and she knew that it wouldn't have ever worked. But that's me I guess. I'd much rather live in a fantasy world where nobody can hurt me and not see the truth that I am trying to use abusive or sex filled relationships to fill a hole in my heart that I just can't fix.
Author's Note
And you, of the tender years, can't know the fears that your elders grew by,
Contestant number three come on down
Let The Sky Fall
Second grade I don't remember much of. Sure, we had one homeroom and we all knew each other cause it was a small town but I don't have many memories of it. Though I do remember that I had finally gotten out of being the new kid. It sucked. But it got better.
This is the only day that I remember from second grade. And that's sad cause it was real early in the year.
Cloudkicker was in college and Sparkler was close to going to the first year of college- side note being that she took years to get a college diploma as it took her a decade to even get one. Though that was because she went from the Canterlot state school to the Crystal Empire tech school and finally a for profit school that was expensive as fuck. But by that point, my mom stopped paying for college for her. Sparkler was kind of a dick.
So fuck it. It was a cool day and me being little me- I enjoyed the cool air as it went over my coat. The birds were great as my mom led me to school cause I don't understand cardinal directions. Still don't. But yeah I chatted with my friends and we had a cool time. This was before DT turned into a rapist and SS turned into also kind of a dick. I mean they were eight. So raping ponies would be far from their minds.
But yeah it was going to be a great day.
Now I don't remember most of the day so blame me there but narrative choice and narrators themselves can take a few liberties with how the story is told and since this is a historical memory it is based around the oral voice. Blah blah blah.
I mean it really was a boring day. I think we just started math class going through some math worksheets when we got the news. We got it from Miss Harshhwhinny who was one of the other ponies that worked in the building. I should have though it strange that a teacher would walk into another teachers room. I was always a rule follower in school- probably should have noticed that a schedule makes me calm sooner than college and noticed some sign that I probably have anxiety disorders and whatnot sooner but fuck that's hindsight for you. So back on topic- I thought that the entrance of a teacher from a completely different side of the building and barging in like that was strange. But then I noticed that the teachers huddled up and started whispering about something.
Fuck I was seven and don't blame me that even fourteen years later I turn into a moron when someone thinks that reading lips is a natural trait to have. I can't read lips. Its just impossible. Though that might just be my brain messing up in the language portion of my brain somewhere.
I mean I didn't think anything of it and I wouldn't have thought anything more. This exact moment would just have passed into my void of things that happened to me yet I don't remember at all if not for one thing.
Miss Cheerilee was crying.
Now the idea that your parents can cry pretty much crushes people. And teachers crying isn't that strange once you get to a certain age. But to a classroom full of seven year olds, its like seeing the face of God get shot. It just happens so rarely that its like a mythic thing to see in its terrible wonder.
She just looked defeated and turned on the tv. It wasn't the glorious tones of the Bill Neigh show. It was just the news.
That was the day we all realized that maybe the idyllic country we called Equestria could be hurt. Sure we knew of bad stuff happening around the world- an ancient evil, some political issues with the yaks, sure. But those were not here. We could forget that they existed because we didn't have to see the aftermath of a disaster. Sure, there was every once in a while natural disaster, and maybe a magical spell gone awry. But an actual other species going and attacking us?
We never thought it could happen.
Maybe that's what I'm worried about the future of my nieces. I really vaguely know a few years where peace was pretty much a sure thing. I was just on the cusp of remembering more than just flashes of memory if I was maybe a year older or two but sure I lived a few years in happyland. My nieces have never known a world without war. Sure we don't really think about war much nowadays since its more or less a fact of life now- but I remember those first few years after a whole lot better than what started this whole thing.
"Breaking news, if you are just in, this is the Equestrian Broadcasting Network-"
"it seems as if this was a planned att-"
"Now we go to our commentators-"
"Those minotaurs really f---ked up now. We should just kill all those f---kers."
"In these dark times we turn to the one true faith and remember the last time we-"
"Crusade those motherf---kers. They attacked Manehattan and destroyed the true sense of security our ancestors gave us and took out a recognizable part of the Manehattan skyline with those new weapons."
"The weapon that they used had a detonation blast that weakened the beams and made the two buildings collapse."
"Those minotaurs had alchemical weapons that Princess Celestia should have known about."
"This just in, a third bomber tried to atteack the castle. He was detained and died soon after-"
"Cyanide capsules hidden in their mouths makes it hard-"
"All interrogations of surviving extremists have failed but-"
We were let out early once the minotaur extremists had most likely stopped their attack. It was almost eleven and we wondered what we should do. After the images and general fearmongering and uncertainty died down in the first attack- we were just let go. We could go home. School was cancelled for a few days. We held each of our family members close and checked if anyone we knew had been either killed or adversely affected by the terrorist outbreak. Lots of things were shutdown to make sure that things were safe.
We all had to count our dead.
It was a few thousand.
I didn't want to show it but it destroyed me for a long time. Sure we lived far enough away from Manehattan and lived in a pretty insular community so there wasn't much chance for any of us to personally know ponies that died in the magebomb attacks. But then we realized that sure we didn't- but there was always someone that we could know that was almost affected. Ponies out for a day in Manehattan. Family that worked in the town. Jobs that they had to do. Pegasi. Earth ponies. Unicorns. It didn't matter- if you looked hard enough you could see that people you loved could have died if they didn't have some sort of luck.
It went on for weeks. Stories about rescue teams looking for survivors after the buildings fell and covered the area of Manehattan in rubble and ash, prayer circles, songs on the radio from country stars and other singers trying to help Equestria heal. Charities. Patriotism marches. A few days after, we pulled out the Hearthwarming flag and started singing the national songs of Equestria. We all turned inward and tried to collect ourselves.
Princess Celestia had been on a press conference mode for days to clear up what this would mean for Equestria.
The thing we knew was that our country had to change to protect ourselves from the new threat.
We went to war with the Minotaurs soon after.
Author's Note
Where worlds collide and days are dark
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If I Could Only Find The Note To Make You Understand
Found this in my desk today. Didn't want to fix the obvious spelling mistakes cause it brings some charm and class to a letter that by definition thanks to everything in my life, I think I failed. I have so many thoughts of death that I think by definition I can't aspire to be anything but a failure thanks to the very cheerful and hopeful bar set in this letter. Ironically. I wanted to die before going back to school. Today I am going back to school. It is a constant struggle in my head to not do what a part of my mind wants.
November~~ (Written 5 years after I was born) Actual date unimportant.
Dinky,
I love you! You are so special! You a smart, talented, cheerful, wonderful. The other day mom called and to me, that Amethyst had said she thought you were smarter than her. I am so lucky to know you Dinky! I remember the day we were told mom was going to have a baby Dad started off by saying how mom had a disease and all I could think was she was going to die we all prayed for you to be smart and cheerful: and look at you! I told mom after, we should have prayed for good teeth also but that was an after-thought. You changed our family and I want to thank you. All of us grew up and became a closer family because of you.
I remember the day you were born. I remember your first steps (sort of :) ) I think of how amazingly smart and coordinated you are when you put together a difficult puzzle and I can't do a 30 piece puzzle!
Mother always said how special I was, and it was always wonderful to hear that. That is why I always wrote you those letters that didn't say much other than" I love you".
I want to thank you for your generosity. . .Like when you gave me your two "bug" toys, Hayburger car, and brown crayon. I know these meant a lot to you because over the summer you would play with the "bug" things and you could never wait to get to Hayburger to get the latest toy.
This letter is difficult to write when I think of you; I think of the adorable, sweet, wonderful, almost five year old that I last saw three months ago. When I try to think of what you will be like when you open this letter I see many different pictures. Actually- perhaps more questions than anything. Will you be tall like dad or take after mom? Will you have Amethyst's wonderful hair? Hopefully you look more like her than me cause she is quiet cute!
I see you as an intellegent young mare who excels in Equestrian, understands Math, loves art and computers. A special young mare who is kind and generous; who everyone loves and respects. You can be anything- the world is open to you!
As you play with bricks and blocks, you could be an architect. As you love to draw, you could be an artist. As you have a wonderful sense of humor, you could be a comedian. As you do so well with your rodeo performances, you could be a cowpony. Perhaps an engineer with all your patience. A doctor with how well you take care of your dolls. A teach with the way you help your classmates. A chef with your enjoyment in the kitchen!
When I think about the time in which you will open this letter; I question will it be filled with peace for my sisters and children? Or rather will it be the Third War? Will Equestria still be there? Will the end of the world come and past? Will you open this letter when asked? Perhaps you will never find this. Perhaps, these will be yellowed sheets of paper with faded writing?
I, from my life (as of yet) is naturally inept to ask nothing but these futile questions. All we can do-- even in this technology ridden world full of computers, televisions, telephones, and calculators- can do is hope! I hope you are able to read this in a peaceful world. . . in an uncorrupt world, where megaspells and chemical weapons were part of a 'base' era. . .where we love flowers, where the world is clean, where disease is of the past, where we work and live together in brotherly love.
When you are supposed to open this letter, you will be eighteen, and calculated correctly it will be 1012 since Celestia beat NMM. 1012? Sounds so far away!!! When I think about it, I see a digital world with people wearing funny clothes-- I don't now why, , , Even if 1012 is only 13 years from now!
I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you are successful. I hope you find a special person who loves you for you- but that will be even further in the future.
Cloudkicker, your loving sister,
Words to live by in my own personal experience:
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars."
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Cherish your vision and your dreams as they are the children of your soul; the blue prints of your ultimate achievements."
"Whether you think you can, or think you can't, your right."
"History has showed that the most notable winners usually encounter heart breaking obstacles before they triumph. They won because they refused to be discouraged by their faults."
Author's Note
Written on the envelope holding the letter- with happy smiley faces keeping a utterly ripped apart envelope together.
Note: Not to open until 18th birthday.
P.S. OOPS- this was opened by Dinky when she saw it was for her- Enclosed were lots of stickers- she took them right away and placed them on the enclosed paper. She was so happy.
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Saints Are Coming Around The Bend Without You Knowing They Eat Your Brain
Nightmares can haunt you forever. And sometimes they don't have to come at night. I'm starting to have trouble having my delusions not affecting me in real life. I don't think I'll ever be free from them- daytime shit involves me slitting my wrists and dying. Nighttime shit involves me getting raped.
I can flip on a word. Sometimes less than that. I flinch around anything that triggers my memories. Memories bring pain. Dreams bring pain.
I used to have a dream where I dreamed I could see everyone's naked bodies and know what they looked like excited. Blame my thirteen year old brain and porn but my imagination got so good that I could jack off without anybody being near me. It gave me something to look forward to.You know between the rape and all.
One of those dreams I saw the perfect version of me. With wings and a horn and looked like an angel- except it was a demon.
It said so.
I wrote a lot of poetry in my emo stage where I used our talks as inspiration. Dreams are a form of safety. That whole bullshit about dying in dreams is just that- bullshit. I've had sex with a lot of weird shit in my dreams and only some of them being ponies. You can get away with anything in dreams. You can be free from anyone. Be yourself.
But you know, sometimes fears can get in. It's getting harder to actually be happy anymore. My mood can shift on a bit if somepony says something, I have so much anxiety I can barely respond to letters urging me to get back in touch with the government social security place, I can't speak on the phone all that well, and thanks to my continued delusion that a cart crash that was really simple and stupid equals a pole impaling my whole family-
I don't do a lot.
Don't worry, this story might have some followers. I, the totally humble, Dinky Hooves see you. Or I think I might. I dunno.
I don't mind hate, I just want peace.
But do I deserve something like that? I messed up so many times before and thanks to me blanking out and losing time- I don't know when it is some days. Dreams are powerful. Nightmares are even worse.
I've died so many times in my dreams that I lost count, It really puts a damper on living.
Well don't worry. I'm still here and kicking. Am I really enjoying myself here at the college or whatever? Nah. But I want to be happy later. College isn't for me, it's to show that I'm not a failure.
I'm not. Even though my dreams, my family, my friends- I think they all hate me.
I'm used to it. I've always been different.
Author's Note
It does repulse me- it makes me sick.
