Chapters Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
"So, what do you girls think?" I asked the six ponies in front of me as I showed them the black box I had in my hands. "You wanna try playing?"
"I do!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie cheerfully, "I love new games!"
"Pinkie," Rainbow Dash began, "We don't even know what it is yet."
"So?" the party pony replied, "That doesn't mean it's not fun!"
Applejack looked curiously at the box. "Hmmm...Cards Against Humanity," she said.
"How does it work?" asked Twilight Sparkle.
"Come on over to the dining room table and I'll teach you how to play," I replied. The seven of us then went into the next room and took respective seats as I placed the box on the table. "Now," I began as I lifted the lid off of the long, rectangular box, "It's pretty simple." I then lifted the black cards out of the box. "This is a fill-in-the-blank game. These black cards contain either a question or something that has a blank in it." I then gestured to the massive amount of white cards at the other end of the box. "These white cards are what we use to fill in the blanks. Once I'm done here," I continued as I placed the white cards in multiple stacks, spreading them around the table so they were within reach of the ponies, "Each of us will take ten cards."
"Well, that sounds simple enough, darling," Rarity spoke.
"Oh, trust me, it is," I replied as I finished setting the table up with all the cards, the stack of black cards being in the very center. "Alright, everyone take ten white cards."
"Umm...do they have to be from the same stack?" Fluttershy asked.
"Nope," I replied, "They can be from anywhere you want." Fluttershy smiled in reply as she reached for the white cards.
The seven of us each soon had a hand, or hoof, whichever applied, of ten cards. I giggled as I looked at mine, but when I looked up, there was complete and utter silence. The Mane 6 each had wide eyes as they looked at their cards. Fluttershy was visibly shaking, and Rarity had a deep, red blush on her cheeks. Twilight and Applejack didn't really do anything but stare at their cards, but the silence broke as Rainbow Dash burst out into laughter and fell backwards. "Ha! Seriously?!?" she exclaimed, "THIS is what we're using to fill in the blanks?!? That's so hilarious!"
Pinkie Pie then let out a few audible giggles. "I agree! This is gonna be so much fun!"
"Oh...oh my..." Fluttershy said, silently.
"I...will second that, darling," Rarity said before looking up at me, "Is this really what I think it is?"
"Mmhmm," I replied, "What the card says is what the card says."
"Oh...well then..." the white unicorn finished.
"So," I began again, "Should we get started?"
"Uhhh...I guess," Twilight said, still taken aback by what her cards read.
"Who's goin' first?" Applejack asked.
"Well, there's a way to figure that out," I explained, "But I'm not sure I want to say it out loud."
"What is it?" Pinkie Pie asked. I leaned over to her ear and whispered the way one would determine the first Card Czar in Cards Against Humanity. When I was finished, her eyes had once again turned to saucers. "YYYYYYeahhhhhh..." she said, drawing out her syllable, "You guys probably won't want to hear what he just told me."
"I think we should just let him go first," said Applejack.
"That okay with all of you?" I asked. All they did was nod. "Alright then, let's get started!"
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Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 1: Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for...
I reached for the stack of black cards and took the one on top. "Okay, so I'm going to read this card and then you all will give me one card from your hands that you think will best fill in the blank. Got it?" I asked.
"Got it!" replied Rainbow Dash.
"Alright. The first card says, 'Today on Maury: Help! My son is ______!'"
"Who's Maury?" Twilight asked.
"He's some guy on TV who settles family disputes over various things," I replied.
"Okay," the young princess replied. She and her friends stared at their cards for a while. I had no way of knowing what they were looking at, and I could only imagine what was going on in their minds. I noticed Fluttershy blushing, and I expected her to do so. This was definitely not something she was used to partaking in.
After about a minute, I had six white cards placed face-down in front of me. I gathered them up, shuffled them, and then held them in one hand in preparation for revealing them. "Now, I'm going to read what you gave to me, and the card that I think works the best with the black card wins." The six ponies nodded as I looked back down at the black card. "Today on Maury," I continued, "Help! My son is," I looked at the first white card and noticed it was a custom one that I had made, "Taking a shit in front of the police station."
Immediately, Rainbow burst into laughter again and nearly fell backwards. "HA! Wow!" she exclaimed.
"Help! My son is...pooping back and forth. Forever..." Rarity made a sound of disgust in response. "My son is...my first kill."
"Dang," Applejack said, "That's pretty dark."
"You're right," Fluttershy replied in a very quiet tone.
"My son is...a pile of squirming bodies? I don't think so. My son is...laying an egg. Okay, we're getting somewhere. And finally, my son is...overpowering your father."
"So...technically he'd be overpowering that guy's father?" asked Rainbow.
"You're right," I replied. "Anyway, let's see. Most of these are pretty good, but having watched that show quite a few times, I think the most appropriate scenario here would be laying an egg. Who had that?"
"I did!" Rarity said in a sing-song voice.
"Well, Rarity," I said as I handed her the black card, "You get the first awesome point!"
"Aw, come on!" Rainbow exclaimed, sounding annoyed, "I want an awesome point!"
"You'll get one eventually, Rainbow," said Applejack, "Just be patient."
"Ugh...FINE..." the impatient pegasus finished.
"Okay, Twilight, since you're next to me, you're up next," I said, "We'll just go in a clockwise motion."
"Great!" she replied as she took the next black card in her magic. "This one says, 'Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it _____?'" I immediately noticed one card in my hand that would be perfect and set it in front of the alicorn. The others were quick to follow, and soon, Twilight began reading what she had. "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it crippling debt?" A few of us laughed at that.
"Wow! You're so far into debt that you can't even afford sex?!? That's so funny!" Rainbow exclaimed.
"Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it depression?"
"Once again, that's pretty dark," said Applejack.
"Is it vomiting mid-blowjob?" Both Rainbow and Pinkie, who were sitting next to each other, giggled quite audibly at that. "Is it ominous background music?" We all shared a laugh at that. "Is it no longer finding any Cards Against Humanity card funny?"
"It's a bit early for that," I mentioned.
"Unless he or she really means it," replied Rarity.
"Is it racial profiling? Oooohhh..." Twilight finished. I knew she knew what that was, given that earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns were all considered to be different races. The alicorn studied her options before looking back up. "Who had depression?" she asked.
"Yes!" Rainbow shouted, "That awesome point is MINE!" Twilight then levitated the black card over to the cyan pegasus.
"I guess it's my turn?" asked Applejack, who was on the other side of Twilight.
"Yep," I replied.
"Alright, let's see what we got here." She then paused as she noticed something on the card. "This one says, 'Pick 2'."
"Okay," I said, "For cards like these, we need to use two of our cards instead of just one. Place the card you want to play in the first blank face-down first, then place the card you want to use for the second blank face-down on top of the first one."
"Got it!" replied Pinkie Pie.
Applejack then spoke again. "So this card says, 'Well, if _____ is good enough for _____, it's good enough for me.'" It took a bit longer for everyone to get their cards in, but I expected that. Eventually, AJ had all the white cards in front of her, and she began to read them. "Well, if a stray pube is good enough for surprise sex, it's good enough for me."
"That's sounds pretty random, but it actually works," I stated.
"Yeah, you're right," replied the orange earth pony, "Well, if fartin' and walkin' away is good enough for my black ass, it's good enough for me." There were some mixed reactions. I didn't know if any of them were actually thinking of donkeys when AJ read the second card. "Well, if my boyfriend's stupid penis is good enough for teenage pregnancy, it's good enough for me."
There were a few, "Ooooooohhh...'s" in response, mainly from Pinkie, Rainbow, and I.
"Well, if runnin' naked through a mall, pissin' and shittin' everywhere is good enough for 24-hour media coverage, it's good enough for me. Hmmm..." The farm mare narrowed her eyes, not knowing if she should find that amusing. "Well, if..." AJ immediately put a hoof to her mouth and began chucking loudly. "They made THIS a card??"
"What is it?" I asked.
"Well, if unsheathin' my massive horse cock...HAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!...is good enough for deez nuts, it's good enough for me!"
I laughed so hard that it caused me to temporarily choke on my own saliva. After a few coughs, I regained my composure entirely, or so I thought.
"Well, if sunshine and rainbows is good enough for free ice cream, yo, it's good enough for me. WOW...who had the horse cock combo?"
"ME!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie before she was handed her awesome point. Up next was Fluttershy, but she was looking quite hesitant to take a black card.
"It's okay, Fluttershy," I said, "It's just a game. You shouldn't be afraid to take a card."
"Yeah, come on, Fluttershy!" Twilight said, reassuringly.
"Umm...okay..." the yellow pegasus said. She slowly reached for a black card, picked it up, and read it out loud. "This is the way the world ends," she began, as I quickly recognized the words as those of a famous poem, "This is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with _____." The remaining six of us were quick to place our white cards in front of Fluttershy. After shuffling them, the timid mare slowly began reading them. "This is the way the world ends, this is the way the world ends, not with a bang but with all of this blood."
There were a few audible "Hnnngh...'s" at that.
"Not with a bang but with all my friends dying...oh...oh my..."
"Is there anythin' in here that isn't that dark?" asked Applejack.
"Don't worry, this game rarely goes THAT far," I replied.
"Not with a bang but with sharks with legs." I heard a few mares giggle at that. I, myself, also thought it was funny. "Not with a bang but with being on fire."
"Wow," I said, "That makes so much sense."
"Not with a bang but with weapons-grade pl-plu-plutonium? Is that how it's pronounced?"
"Mmhmm," I replied.
"What's that stuff?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"Let's just say you NEVER want to get close to it. It'll poison you to death very, very slowly."
Each of the mares shivered upon hearing that. Fluttershy then continued. "Not with a bang but with actually getting shot, for real."
"Boy, some of these are as dark as they can get," said Applejack.
"Umm...oh my...I-I'm not sure which one to pick," Fluttershy said softly.
"Just go with the one you feel makes the most sense," I told her.
"O-Okay," she replied, "I'll pick being on fire."
"Yes!" said Twilight, cheerfully. Fluttershy then handed over the black card to her.
"You're next, Rarity," I said to the white unicorn across from me.
"Thank you, darling," she replied as she took the next black card in her blue aura. "A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to _____." I looked at my hand and found nothing amusing, aside from one card that I thought would kill, or at least reduce, one's sex drive. I placed it in front of Rarity as the others did the same, and soon, the unicorn was shuffling the cards in her magic. "Okay, now, let's see. A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have 50% less sex after being exposed to the placenta. Ugh!" she exclaimed in disgust, "How vile!" All Rainbow and Pinkie could do was laugh. "...After being exposed to words, words, words. Hmmm...I suppose that could work. After being exposed to..." Rarity gave herself a facehoof while cringing. "Two midgets shitting into a bucket..."
"HA!" Applejack laughed, "You should'a seen the look on your face, Rarity!"
"Moving on, now," Rarity said, nonchalantly, "...After being exposed to an asymmetric boob job. Ummm...am I correct that 'boobs' are your way of saying 'teats'?" the unicorn asked me.
"Correct," I replied.
"Very well, then. After being exposed to..." her eyes widened, "This year's mass shooting."
I gave out and audible, "Oooohhhh!!!!..." along with some of the other mares.
"...After being exposed to a web of lies. Well, I suppose one would not be in the mood for intercourse of they were lied to."
"Makes sense," said Twilight.
"Let's see," Rarity continued as she looked over the cards, pushing a few rejects aside, "Hmmm...no...no...who had this years mass shooting?"
"I did!" shouted Rainbow Dash, "Now I'm more awesome than any of you!"
"Rainbow, come on," I began, "It's just a game, remember?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's my turn anyway," she replied as she took the next black card in the stack. "Lovin' you is easy because you're _____."
"This better work..." I said, silently.
"I'm just throwin' this one away," said Applejack.
Rainbow soon began reading the six white cards. "Lovin' you is easy because you're being popular and good at sports. Mmm...maybe. Lovin' you is easy because you're..." she immediately burst out laughing, "The clitoris!" Twilight, Pinkie Pie, AJ, and I all laughed along with the cyan pegasus, and so did Rarity, only less loudly. Fluttershy only blushed. It took a while for Rainbow to regain her composure enough to read the next card. "Lovin' you is easy because you're the swim team, all at once. Probably for Rarity, but not for me. Anyway, lovin' you is easy because you're a team of lawyers. Again, maybe. Lovin' you is easy because you're...the hiccups? No. Lovin' you is easy because you're me." Rainbow and Twilight giggled at that. "These were pretty awesome, but I gotta go with the clitoris. That just took the cake!"
"That's me!" exclaimed Twilight.
"Yay! My turn!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she reached for a black card. She then put on her usual game face as she brought a hoof to her muzzle and made a static-like noise. "Tshsh , this is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for _____." I had a card that I knew made sense in this case, but probably not enough to win. Still, I put it in, and the others put theirs in at the same time. Pinkie was more than ready to read them immediately. "This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for Cards Against Humanity!"
"Yes!" I screamed, "Perfect!" I then started clapping, and a few of the others laughed and clopped their hooves together.
"Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for the tiger that killed my father. Ooohhh... Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for a giant, powdery manbaby. Hmmm... Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for not having sex."
"Yyyyyeahhh...I don't think so," said Rainbow Dash, "I think lots of ponies would be okay with not having sex."
"I think you're right, darling," replied Rarity.
"Anyway," continued Pinkie, "This is your captain speaking. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for..." she squinted as she looked at the card in front of her, "The terrorists?"
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed while covering my face with my hands. "OH MY GOD!" I continued while getting up and walking into the other room, my hands moving to the top of my head, "That's so horrible!"
The Mane 6 only looked at me with confused expressions, Rainbow chuckling slightly at my over-the-top reaction (which wasn't over-the-top in my opinion). "Ummm..." Pinkie Pie continued, "Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for half-assed foreplay."
At this point, I was walking back into the dining room, still breathing heavily from my excessive laughing and groaning. "What's wrong, darling?" asked Rarity.
"That...that was so true and yet so wrong," I replied.
"Who are the terrorists?" asked Pinkie Pie.
I immediately stood right in front of her, my hands planted firmly on the table as I looked her dead in the eyes. "Oh, you want to know who the terrorists are???" I asked, loudly, giving her a stern expression. I then went on to explain to everypony what that group of people basically was, and finished by describing a recent attack on the east coast where planes had turned into weapons.
Once I was done, each and every mare was staring at me with the widest eyes I could remember. "Oh..." Fluttershy began, quietly, "Oh my..."
"That's horrific!" exclaimed Rarity.
"Sooooo...yeah, I think I'm going with that one," Pinkie said.
"Uhhh...that'd be me," said Applejack, looking somewhat ashamed.
As she was being handed the black card, I said, "Wow, AJ. That was you??"
"Hey, I didn't know who they were!" she replied.
"You're right, but if my other friends were here, who knows what we'd be doing right now? Anyway, I think we should take a small break so I can calm myself down."
"Good call," said Twilight.
"First dibs on the toilet!" exclaimed Rainbow as she sped off toward the bathroom.
Author's Note
First of all, I'd like to apologize to anyone I may have offended because of what happened on that last black card. In no way do I support the terrorists and/or what they have done to this world. I am fully aware that countless numbers of innocent lives have been taken by terrorism, and I constantly extend my sincerest condolences to any friends or family of anyone lost to these acts. As former President George W. Bush said to the people of the United States of America on September 11th, 2001, "Terrorism against our nation will not stand." This goes not just for the US, but for every nation across the world. Terrorism against any country should not and will not stand.
This is purely a card game that is meant to be enjoyed, but still, there are times when things can go a bit too far. Again, I'm sorry, and you have every right to dislike this story if I offended you.
After the first round, the score is:
Me: 0
Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 2: How would you describe Twilight?
After several minutes of bathroom breaks and coming down from a laughing fit, the seven of us were ready to begin the next round. I quickly reached for the next black card and read it aloud. "2 AM in the city that never sleeps. The door swings open and she walks in, legs up to here. Something in her eyes tells me she's looking for _____." The six mares looked curiously at their cards, slowly but surely giving me their choices. "Okay, here we go," I continued, "2 AM in the city that never sleeps. The door swings open and she walks in, legs up to here. Something in her eyes tells me she's looking for an ether-soaked rag."
The card earned a few giggles. "Ha!" laughed Twilight, "All that buildup and she ends up getting suffocated??"
"I guess so," said Rainbow Dash.
"Something in her eyes tells me she's looking for daddy's belt."
"Whoa, nelly," Applejack spoke, "Who knows what she's gon' be doin' with that?"
"...She's looking for anal beads. NNNNNGH..." I said along with some of the others, "...She's looking for a magic hippie love cloud. Meh, maybe. She's looking for a cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus."
"Oh, I don't anything could be THAT cute," Fluttershy said.
"Oh, Fluttershy," I responded in a tone that resembled Discord's voice, "You have no idea how wrong that statement is. Anyway," I continued in my regular speaking voice, "...She's looking for a live studio audience. Hmmm... That's a possible contender." I then looked over the cards as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie stared rather intently at me, as if they new that their cards would win. "I'm gonna have to go with an ether-soaked rag."
A long silence ensued. "Um," came a quiet voice, "That's mine."
"Fluttershy?!?" Pinkie exclaimed.
"That was you?!?" Rainbow Dash screamed.
"Um...yes, it was," the yellow mare replied, louder this time. I handed Fluttershy the black card, happy that she seemed to be getting into the game better than I had expected.
Twilight grasped the next card in her aura and said, "If you had to describe me, the Card Czar, using only one of the cards in your hand, which one would it be?"
"Mine's a throwaway," said Rarity as she floated her face-down card over to the princess.
"Same here," Pinkie Pie said as she passed her card over, as well. My own card could have been considered a throwaway, but I felt there was a slight chance of it being able to win. As Applejack handed her card over to Twilight, I couldn't help but hear a mischievous giggle come out of her mouth.
"Okay, let's do this," Twilight said as she began reading. "If you had to describe me, the Card Czar, using only one of the cards in your hand, which one would it be?" She then looked at the first card. "Frolicking? Nah. A sassy black woman."
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" I laughed out loud as I slammed a hand down onto the table, causing it to shake slightly.
Pinkie Pie then seemed to take some unknown initiative. "Okay! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!" she laughed while falling backwards.
Twilight only stared blankly at me and Pinkie. "Anyway..." she continued, "A falcon with a box on its head."
"More like a book on its head!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash.
"Unquestioning obedience. Not sure how THAT makes any sense. Genetically engineered super-soldiers. I get it, but whoever made this game really needs to get their grammar straight." I groaned silently at her comment. "Classist undertones?"
"It's something video game-related," I told her.
"Okay, some of these weren't quite what I had expected. I think I'm going to go with a sassy black woman, no matter how wrong that sounds."
"Yee-haw!" Applejack cheered.
"I can't believe you did that!" I said to the farm mare, "That was perfect!"
"Actually, it was the only good one I had and I wanted to get rid of it. Anyway," she said while reaching for the next black card, "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced _____ and _____ at the same time."
"The bottom one is first, right?" Rarity asked me.
"Yes, bottom one for the first blank," I replied. We then proceeded to do just that, getting our combos ready for Applejack to read. Mine was a bit contradictory, but at least it made some comical sense.
"Ev'ryone ready?" AJ asked. We all nodded. "Alright, you haven't truly lived until you've experienced old people smell and doo-doo at the same time."
"Oh, how disgusting is that?!?" Rarity wailed.
"Ewww!!!" Pinkie Pie followed up.
"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced a zesty breakfast burrito and an oversized lollipop at the same time. I'm guessin' this is Pinkie Pie's. Anyway, you haven't truly lived until you've experienced powerful thighs and gettin' your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick." I laughed loudly at that. "What in the hay is a Chinese finger trap?" AJ asked me.
"Hold on," I replied as I went up to my bedroom. Less than half a minute later, I returned with a Chinese finger trap that I had laying around on my dresser. I demonstrated how it worked, and knew that it quickly clicked in everypony else's mind what that would look like with stallionhoods. I heard a few audible shivers from a few ponies, and AJ soon started reading the cards again.
"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced a fat bald man from the internet and vegetarian options at the same time! Well, that'd be pretty interestin'! He wouldn't be eatin' a darn thing!"
"He'd probably be complaining the whole time!" said Rainbow.
"Yeah, you're right!" continued AJ, "Anyway, you haven't truly lived until you've experienced pussy and balls at the same time."
"Doesn't that sound like a bisexual three-way?" I asked.
"It sure does," replied Twilight, "And it's pretty funny."
"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced being rich and doing the right thing at the same time."
"It sounds like Filthy Rich giving all his money to charity," said Fluttershy.
"You're right, it does," I responded.
"'Ya know, I don't know why I'm doin' this," Applejack continued, "But a real fat guy havin' a fit over purely vegetarian options sounds like somethin' I'd like to see, so I'm goin' with that one."
"That's mine!" I exclaimed, happy to have finally gotten an awesome point. As AJ handed me the card, Fluttershy took the next one from the stack. "The 6 things I could never live without: Oxygen, Facebook?" She looked up at me in confusion.
"Social media site," I replied.
"Chocolate, Netflix?" She looked up at me again.
"Movie website/company."
"Friends, and _____." It didn't take long for this six white cards to appear in front of Fluttershy, and she quickly began reading them. "Let's see. Gloryholes." Rainbow Dash once again gave an audible laugh at that. "Having anuses for eyes. Oh...my..."
"Uuuggghhh!!!" Rarity exclaimed, her eyes closing as another look of disgust crossed her face.
"S-Sexual...p-peeing. Umm...no thank you. Backwards knees." I immediately thought that would be the winner, until I remembered that what looked like backwards knees on horses' hind legs were actually their ankles. "Centaurs...and...Subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife? Oh, I could never do that. Let's see." Fluttershy looked over her choices, and it was clear that she was a bit uncomfortable with her decision. "Oh, I hate to have to go with this, but who had gloryholes?"
"I did," I replied, reaching out and taking the black card, "Why did you feel bad about it?"
"It just sounds so wrong," the timid mare replied, "But, you know, I think a few more rounds and I'll feel comfortable with everything."
"Very well, then, darling," Rarity said before taking the next black card. "Alright bros. Our frat house is condemned, and all the hot slampieces are over at Gamma Phi. The time has come to commence Operation _____."
After putting in my choice, I looked at the next card that I drew, and I giggled helplessly. "What's so funny?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"I...I...I...really can't tell you right now," I responded, still chuckling.
"Is everyone ready?" Once again, everyone just nodded. "Alright bros. Our frat house is condemned, and all the hot slampieces are over at Gamma Phi. The time has come to commence Operation...mouth...herpes? My goodness, doesn't anyone have any shame? The time has come to commence Operation going around punching people. Okay, that sounds better. Operation social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion. Hmmm... Operation chainsaws for hands."
"Ouch!" said Pinkie Pie and Twilight simultaneously.
"Operation smallpox blankets. What is this?"
"Smallpox is a disease from the past. It gave everyone a whole bunch of bumps."
"Oh my..." Rarity continued, "And finally, Operation pixelated bukkake."
"OW!" I yelled, "That's gotta hurt!"
"What is it?" Rarity asked again.
"You don't wanna know..."
"Well, considering that, I'm going to choose that one."
"Yes!" exclaimed Twilight. The black card was floated over to her while Rainbow took the next one.
"Oh, this oughta be good. Before I run for president, I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with _____." I immediately placed a decent one in, and everypony else was quick to put theirs in as well.
"I would never do this under normal circumstances, but I can't wait to see the looks on all your faces. Ha!" exclaimed Rarity.
"Alright," continued Rainbow, "Before I run for president, I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with throwing a virgin into a volcano. Nah, sounds kinda old. I must destroy all evidence of my involvement with burning down a hospital. Wow..." It was another custom card I had made, and I couldn't help but laugh at the hilarious, yet slightly sad, implication. "...All evidence of my involvement with cheating in the Special Olympics. What are those?" Rainbow asked as she looked me in the eyes.
"They're basically the Equestria Games, except these are for the handicapped," I explained.
"Okay. Anyway, involvement with white people."
"Oh my god! Seriously?!?" I exclaimed while laughing, "That's so racist!"
"Sounds like it," Rainbow replied, "...involvement with the eighth graders." I slowly lowered my head to the table after she read that. "Are these really that bad?" she asked.
"No, they're just ridiculously funny," I replied.
"You know what else is funny?" Pinkie Pie asked, "Watching your reactions to all these! You're hilarious!"
I chuckled. "Haha, thanks, I'll be here all week..." I knew that was cheesy, but I couldn't resist.
"Anyway, involvement with slapping a racist old lady. Geez, these are pretty good. Hmmm...I'm gonna have to go with burning down a hospital."
"That's me!" Pinkie Pie said in a sing-song tone, "Plus, now it's my turn!" She reached for the last black card for the round and read it out loud. "In a pinch, _____ can be a suitable substitute for _____." I had no two that went together other than two cards that were music-related, so I put them in. Once we were ready, Pinkie began reading the cards. "In a pinch, figgy pudding can be a suitable substitute for lockjaw. Yeah, that actually makes sense. In a pinch, how awesome I am, thank you, Rainbow Dash, can be a suitable substitute for my inner demons."
Everyone else, including me, went "OOOOOOOO....." in unison. Whoever played that had been right on the money. Needless to say, I wasn't hungry for any cupcakes at that moment.
"An unforgettable quincañera can be a suitable substitute for land mines. Again, yeah, but kinda lacking oomph. Nickelback can be a suitable substitute for Neil Diamond's greatest hits. Who are these guys?"
"Musicians," I replied.
"Oh, interesting. Anyway, Buying the right pants to be cool can be a suitable substitute for seeing grandma naked." I laughed into both my hands again upon picturing that horrific card. "And last but not least, quiche can be a suitable substitute for chugging a lava lamp. Wow. That REALLY works." The party pony then looked over her options, looking as if she didn't know which ones to select. "You know, these all work in some way, but given how everyone here wears clothes, I can imagine how scary it might be to see your grandma naked, so I'm going with that one."
Everyone else, except Rarity, who had won, only stared at Pinkie Pie as if they had just witnessed the most idiotic show on the planet. "Really, Pinkie?!?" Rainbow exclaimed, "You went with THAT one?!?"
"Why not?" the party pony replied, "It fits perfectly with the society around us!"
"Pinkie," I began, "You shouldn't change how you play the game based on where you are. That kinda takes a bit of the fun out of it."
Pinkie's poofy mane deflated slightly upon hearing what I had to say. "I-I'm making the game less fun?"
"No, no, no, not at all!" I quickly replied, "Just play the game like you would if you were in Equestria! It's as simple as that!"
"So, you're all still enjoying this?"
"I hate to say it, but this game is becoming rather amusing," said Rarity.
"'Ya got that right, partner," AJ responded.
"Great!" Pinkie chirped as her mane went back to it's joyous state.
"How about another break?" I asked.
"Yeah, I need to stretch for a while," Rainbow Dash said as she extended some of her limbs.
Author's Note
After 2 rounds, the score is:
Me: 2
Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 3: A troubling card for AJ...
"Here you go, Pinkie," I said to the party pony as I handed her a few big bags of chips. I knew she and her friends were getting hungry, and I was glad to have been prepared.
"Woo-hoo!" she exclaimed as she sat back down next to Rainbow Dash, "Anypony else want any?"
"No thank you, darling," replied Rarity.
"I'm good for now, Pinkie," Applejack said.
"That's okay, Pinkie," said Fluttershy.
"Not right now, but thank you," Twilight said.
"I'll have a few," Rainbow Dash said as she reached into one bag and soon came out with a hoofful of chips. Pinkie basically buried her head in another bag as I began the next round with a new black card. "The blind date was going horribly until we discovered our shared interest in _____."
"Oh, you're all gonna HATE me for this..." said Twilight, slyly.
"Oh, yeah?" Pinkie Pie responded with a mouthful of chips, "Mine's definitely gonna win!"
The cards were soon in front of me and I began to read them. "The blind date was going horribly until we discovered our shared interest in public ridicule. Uhhh...okay? Until we discovered our shared interest in dying of dysentery!" I finished with multiple chuckles. "Wow!... Anyway, our shared interest in mooing. Mmmmmaybe... Our shared interest in finger painting? Only if you're like six or seven. Our shared interest in shapeshifters. Seriously, guys, you've gotta do better than this, except for dying of dysentery. Our shared interest in..." I stared at the card as I began to laugh internally, "...Making the penises kiss."
"HA!" exclaimed Rainbow, "A gay blind date!"
"Yeah," I replied, "Who had that one?"
"Me!" Twilight replied.
"Seriously? Well then, here you go!"
"Thank you very much," Twilight replied, her tone swaying from low to high as she finished her sentence. The young princess then took the next black card in her magic. "What's that sound?" she asked.
"Probably Pinkie's loud munching," Rainbow Dash responded.
"No, that's what the card says. What's that sound?" she said as she showed everyone what the black card said.
"Ooooohhhh..." Rainbow replied in a way that Pinkie normally would, "Okay."
I laughed to myself as handed my card to Twilight. "This card is too long, so I'm getting rid of it," said Rarity.
"Are we ready?" Twilight asked. She needed no further confirmation, as the six cards were already in front of her. "What's that sound? Geese. Okay. The Big Bang! Thank you, science!" As the alicorn looked at the next card, she began to laugh. "A m-man on the brink of orgasm!!" she finished while her voice was stammered by laughter. "Okay. Angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night. Thank you, Rarity..." Twilight said to her unicorn friend.
"Like I said, I had to get rid of it," the alabaster mare replied.
"Friction," Twilight continued, "And finally, a spontaneous conga line." She then looked over her options. "My apologies to whoever had a man on the brink of orgasm, but you know me, Twilight loves her science! Who had the Big Bang?"
"Meeeeeee!!!!!!!!" Pinkie Pie yelled as she reached out for the card.
"Alright, let's see what we got ourselves here," AJ said as she reached for the next black card. However, when she began to read it to herself, her smile faded. "Uhhh..." she began, not sounding too happy, "I'm not so sure I wanna read this."
"Here, let me see," I said as the farm mare handed me the card. I took one look at it and knew why she didn't want to read that card.
"So, are we skipping this one?" Rainbow asked.
"Actually, I have an idea," I continued, "Fluttershy, we'll save this one for you to read next, and Applejack can just take whatever's next in the stack."
"I like that idea," replied the yellow pegasus. I put the card in my hand to the side while AJ reached for the next one.
"Ah, now that's more like it!" she said, "What will always get you laid?"
"Ha!" Rainbow exclaimed, "Ain't no way I'm gonna lose this!"
"Mine's a throwaway," said Pinkie, blankly.
We gave our cards to AJ and she was quick to begin reading them. "What will always get you laid? Lactation. Well, I suppose if it was a fetish of yours... Anyway, Saying, 'I love you'."
"Awww..." Fluttershy cooed.
"The thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn. Uhhh...I guess that kinda works... Out-of-this-world bazongas?"
"Boobs," I said, trying to save her the task of asking me.
"My vagina! Now were definitely gettin' somewhere! A bag of magic beans. Hmmm... 'Ya know, I said my vagina was a contender, but I'm lookin' at the card, and just sayin' that a vagina would get you laid doesn't completely add up. I gotta go with the one that makes the most sense in context, and that's gon' be sayin' 'I love you'."
"What?!?" Rainbow screamed.
"Yes!" Twilight exclaimed, "I didn't think my card had a chance!"
"Well, I had my vagina! It was perfect! Geez!" Rainbow finished, angrily.
"Ummm..." Fluttershy began, softly, "C-Can we continue?"
"Yeah, go ahead," Rainbow replied, still frustrated.
"Okay," the yellow mare said as she reached for the card that was put to the side. "Oh...oh my. Now I see what you were saying, Applejack. During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into _____." Applejack lowered her head slightly, the others, including me, giving her a sad look. After a while, she seemed to be doing better. I heard a giggle from Rarity as she handed her card over to Fluttershy.
Soon, we were all ready. "Okay," Fluttershy continued, "During his midlife crisis, my dad got really into wifely duties."
"That actually sounds decent!" Rarity said, "I wouldn't mind my husband doing all my work for me. In fact, I would probably MAKE him do all of it!"
"Good thing I don't live at the Carousel Boutique... " I thought to myself.
"During his midlife crisis," Fluttershy continued, "My dad got really into 10 incredible facts about...the anus..." she finished while her voice took a decrescendo. "Oh my. Anyway, my dad got really into...n-nipple blades? Gosh. My dad got really into the way white people is. That doesn't make any sense. My dad got really into brown people."
"HA!" I exclaimed before clapping my hands together one time.
"And finally, my dad got really into New Age music. Ummm...I have to agree with Rarity. Who had wifely duties?"
"I did!" I said to her before reaching over for the card.
Rarity was quick to take the next black card. When she saw what it said, she flipped her hair, narrowed her eyes slightly, and turned her head slightly to her right. She then began in a high-class Canterlot tone, "I'm not like the rest of you. I'm too rich and busy for _____."
AJ, Rainbow, and Pinkie all laughed at her tone. As we set our cards in, I heard Twilight giggle and say, "Don't kill me, Rarity."
Rarity raised an eyebrow at her friend before reading the white cards. "I'm not like the rest of you. I'm too rich and busy for riding off into the sunset. Hmmm... That actually works. I'm too rich and busy for a man-shaped box. I guess that works, too. I'm too rich and busy for eugenics. Wow. I may have more than one that works! I'm not sure what to choose at this point! I'm too rich and busy for world peace."
Everyone, including me, began laughing hysterically, even Fluttershy. "Seriously?!?" exclaimed Rainbow Dash.
"Hmph," Rarity continued, sticking her snout up and closing her eyes like one of the Canterlot Elite. "Anyway, I'm too rich and busy for interspecies marriage."
Everyone went silent for a few seconds, then Rainbow exclaimed, "So you're too rich and busy to marry Spike?? HA!" the rest of us, except Rarity, of course, continued laughing.
"Oh, please," the white unicorn said, "He's too young for me anyway."
"But it's still hilarious!" Applejack yelled before continuing her laughing fit.
"ANYWAY ..." Rarity continued with a slight grumble, "I'm too rich and busy for rabies. Oh my, all of these seem to make some sort of sense. Hmmm..." She remained in thought for a good ten seconds. "I'm going with interspecies marriage."
"Yes!" Twilight shouted.
"Geez, Twilight!" Rainbow exclaimed, "Stop playing all the winning cards!"
"How many black ones do you have?" asked Fluttershy.
"Let's see," the alicorn began before counting her cards, "One, two, three, four, five, six. I have six."
"First one to ten wins," I brought up, "Looks like you're already more than halfway there, Twilight!"
"Woo-hoo!" the princess replied.
"Alright, let's see what we got here," Rainbow began. After taking the next black card, she said, "Life's pretty tough in the fast lane. That's why I never leave the house without _____."
"Yes! Perfect time!" exclaimed Twilight again as she floated her card to the cyan pegasus.
"Mine's a throwaway," Applejack said.
"Too bad," I told her, "You're gonna lose to this card right here!" I continued as I handed my card to Rainbow Dash.
When the rainbow-maned mare had all the cards, she began to read them. "Life's pretty tough in the fast lane. That's why I never leave the house without being marginalized."
"Oooohhhhh...." a few of us went in unison.
"That's why I never leave the house without a piñata full of scorpions. Eh...maybe. That's why I never leave the house without crystal meth."
"Woooooowww...." I said, "Whoever played that got it right on the money."
"Hey!" Rainbow yelled.
"Hey, relax. It's just a joke."
She sighed at me. "Fine. That's why I never leave the house without flesh-eating bacteria. Ewww... That's why I never leave the house without...science? I think we know who THIS one belongs to... And, that's why I never leave the house without a manhole. Eh...some of these didn't really work. I'm gonna go with crystal meth."
"Yay!" Pinkie cheered. She immediately took two black cards, one from Rainbow and one from the stack. She then put on a slightly annoyed face and said, "I work my ass off all day for this family, and this is what I come home to? _____!?" We all laughed at her tone of voice. I always loved how comical Pinkie was.
"Hehehe..." AJ chuckled as she passed her card in.
"Okay," the pink party pony continued, "I work my ass off all day for this family, and this is what I come home to? A face full of horse cum!?" Instantly, all seven of us (yes, all seven of us) laughed our hardest in quite a while, and some of us even fell backwards. That card made WAY too much sense.
After we all calmed down, Pinkie continued, albeit still giggling. "Actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers!? Ha! That works, too! The...A-Apo-Apophis Asteroid?" It was another one of my custom cards.
"It's an asteroid that was thought to hit the Earth sometime in the future and change the worldwide climate for at least a hundred years," I told her.
Everypony just looked at me with slightly wide eyes. "Anyway," Pinkie continued, "An oncoming train!?" Another custom one. "A box!?" The pink pony couldn't help but giggle at such a minimalistic implication. "Crumbs all over the god damn carpet!? Wow! You know, I wish I could pick all six of these! They're all perfect! But which one will it be?"
"You know," I began, "One thing you could do is shuffle those six cards again and pick one at random. It's something my buddies and I do when we're in the same situation."
"I like that idea!" Pinkie chirped in response. She then shuffled all the cards again. "Alright. I work my ass off all day for this family, and this is what I come home to?" She then took one random card and placed it face-up. "Actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers!?"
"YES!!" Twilight exclaimed once again. We all stared in amazement at her.
"What?!?" Rainbow began, "You gotta be kidding me!"
"You didn't bribe anyone during that last break, did you, Twilight?" Rarity asked.
"No way!" Twilight responded, "Why would I do that!?"
"Look, guys," I began, "Twilight won the card and that's that."
"Yeah," Rainbow Dash continued, "But she's three away from winning!" The cyan mare had a very concerned look on her face.
"That's just how the game goes, Rainbow," I finished.
"Well, Twilight, you better look out, 'cause I'm totally gonna come back and win!"
"Bring it on, Rainbow!" Twilight replied.
Author's Note
At the end of the third round, the score is:
Me: 3
Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 4: The card I'll never regret making.
After a small break, I began the next round, fully aware that this had turned into a full-on battle between a princess and a Wonderbolt hopeful. I looked at the next card, not thinking that there would be any extreme answers for this one. Little did I know that would be far from correct. "Hey baby," I began, "Come back to my place and I'll show you _____."
Rarity began to chuckle. "Please forgive me, darling," she said to me, "But I just can't resist playing this card! Hahahahaha!" she laughed while floating her choice over to me.
"Should I be nervous?" I asked, quizzically.
"Mmmm...I don't know. Just wait and see."
"Alright. Everypony ready?" They nodded. "Hey baby, come back to my place and I'll show you a bucket of fish heads. Hmmm... Come back to my place and I'll show you ambiguous sarcasm. Nah. And I'll show you the dentist. Probably that dentist from 'Little Shop of Horrors', " I thought to myself. "I'll show you...mom? That could go a couple of ways, but...to me it sounds like, 'Oh, look, mom's here. No big deal.' Anyway, I'll show you erectile dysfunction! HA! Perfect!" I laughed while Rainbow and Pinkie Pie joined me, "And I'll show you meaningless sex. No, this one goes to erectile dysfunction! That was amazing!"
"Give it here, partner," AJ said in response before I handed her the card.
Twilight was quick to take the next black card, but paused soon after. "Ummm...this one says, 'Draw 2, Pick 3'," she said.
"Okay, so for this one, before we put any cards in, we each need to draw 2 cards," I said to everyone. They did as they were told, except for Twilight, of course, as I took two more cards for myself. "Now, it's just like the 'Pick 2' cards, except you place one more card on top of the second one this time."
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie chirped.
"Which one is it, Twilight?" I asked the princess.
"You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on _____, and then there's some stuff about _____, and then it ends with _____," Twilight said. I looked at my cards, not seeing any three that went together in a situation like this, even though they didn't really need to with this card. I basically stacked three random cards on top of each other and handed them over to Twilight, right as the others were doing the same thing. "Okay, let's see what we have here," Twilight continued, "You guys, I saw this crazy movie last night. It opens on ghosts, and then there's some stuff about too much cocaine, and then it ends with 90 miles per hour and no brakes." Another custom card I made. "Hmmm...that does sounds crazy," the purple mare finished.
"It sure does," AJ replied.
"Anyway, it opens on daddy issues, and then there's some stuff about...Scien...togoly?" She looked at me curiously.
"Science-centered cult," I responded.
"Oh!" the princess replied, "Sounds exciting!"
I immediately slammed my hands on the table and stared wide-eyed at Twilight. "No! Absolutely not!" I yelled, "Don't ever get involved with anything like that! Ever!"
"But...but, it's science, right?"
"Oh no, it's more than science, and from what I've heard, I think it's more than you can handle. Trust me," I finished.
"Ummm...okay. Anyway, and it ends with dying. Daddy issues, Scientology, dying. Seems reasonable from what I've just been told. It opens on a sad handjob, and then there's some stuff about a peyote-fueled vision quest?"
"I have no idea what that is," I said to nopony in particular.
"Me neither," Twilight replied before continuing reading, "And it ends with running out of semen. Now, if the first and last were the only two there, it would have worked. Anyway, it opens on my first period, and then there's some stuff about cool, relatable cancer teens, and then it ends with the light of a billion suns."
"Ouch!" Rainbow said, loudly.
"Not only that," Pinkie began, "But Princess Celestia would have her work cut out for her if that happened!"
"You're right, Pinkie," replied Fluttershy.
"It opens on nubile slave boys, and then there's some stuff about owls, the perfect predator, and then it ends with...a turd. Weird. It opens on...The Great Depression?"
"It's when our economy collapsed a long time ago," I explained, "The majority of the population was homeless and/or without work for the longest time."
"Oh my..." Fluttershy said softly.
"That must've been horrible," Rarity said.
"How would anyone have any fun?" Pinkie asked.
"Probably however they could," I finished.
"Anyway," Twilight continued, "And then there's some stuff about exploding pigeons, and then it ends with the most ridiculous thing you could ever imagine." Another custom card. "Wow. these are all pretty wacky movies. Hmmm... You know, given what you said about Scientology, that one makes quite a bit of sense. That one wins."
"YES!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash, "Thank you! I'm so gonna beat you now, Twilight!"
"Don't get too excited, Rainbow," Twilight responded while flashing the cyan mare a coy smile, "I'm still four cards ahead of you."
"Doesn't matter! I'm still gonna win!"
"We'll see..." Twilight finished nonchalantly.
"Alright, let's see what the next one is," AJ said, "Hmmm... did you write this one?" she asked me.
"Read it and we'll see," I replied.
"Okay. Instead of 3 7's, you need to get 3 _____'s in order to win at the slot machine." She was right. This was one of my custom black cards.
"Yep, that's mine," I said before looking at my cards. I had absolutely nothing that would work. "Here, this one's a throwaway," I said while giving my card to the orange earth pony.
Once the other cards were in, AJ began reading. "Instead of 3 7's, you need to get 3 tongues in order to win at the slot machine. Okay, I can see that happenin'...kinda. Instead of 3 7's, you need to get 3 opposable thumbs in order to win at the slot machine. That also kinda works. Instead of 3 7's, you need to get 3...a ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings in order to win at the slot machine. If that said 'balls', it would have sounded better. You need to get 3 tiny nipples in order to win at the slot machine. Ha! Now that's funny! You need to get 3...vigilante justices in order to win at the slot machine. Nah. You need to get 3...the color..."puce"?...'s to win at the slot machine. I think this one's pretty obvious. Who had tiny nipples?"
"I did!" Rarity replied in a sing-song tone once again.
"Wow, Rarity," I said, "You seem to be enjoying this more than I thought you would!"
"Well, even though it's rather repulsive at times, I can't help but fell giddy as I see everything! I wish I could play this game every day after a long work day at the boutique!"
I smiled at her while Fluttershy took the next black card. "Step 1: _____. Step 2: _____. Step 3: Profit," she said.
Rainbow Dash didn't look too happy as she handed her cards over to her long-time friend. "There's no way this is gonna win, but it's all I got," she said. I had the same feeling as I put my cards in.
"Okay, here we go," Fluttershy continued, "Step 1: Fabricating statistics. Step 2: The systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life. Step 3: Profit. Oh my... Step 1: Jumping out at people. Step 2: No clothes on...p-penis in vagina. Step 3: Profit. Wow. It's sad to think that actually works."
"No, it's hilarious because it does work!" Rainbow exclaimed while laughing.
"Step 1: All these decorative pillows. Step 2: A zero-risk way to make $2,000 from home. Step 3: Profit. That definitely works. Step 1: Getting so angry that you...p-pop a b-boner. Step 2: Your weird brother. Step 3: Profit. Oh my goodness... I can already picture what happens afterwards. Anyway, Step 1: Natural male enhancement. Step 2: Such a big boy. Step 3: Profit. Ummm... I think I see what you're getting at. Step 1: Being a busy adult with many important things to do. Step 2: The economy. Step 3: Profit. Well, if you think about it, if you work hard enough and the economy's in good shape, you'll make a lot of money, so I'm going with that one.
"Are you kidding me?!?" Rainbow shouted.
"Oh..." Fluttershy responded, "Um, did you think yours was better, Rainbow?"
"No! That one's mine! I didn't think it would win! AWESOME!!!" She immediately took the card from Fluttershy and gave Twilight a mischievous glare, which the alicorn returned.
"Okay then, what do we have here?" Rarity asked herself as she took the next black card. "Oh, how lovely! This will definitely apply to me once my business expands across Equestria. It says, 'When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate _____.'"
"I...I don't know what this is," Fluttershy said, "But I'll put it in, anyway."
"Darn it!" Rainbow shouted as she drew another white card after putting her choice in, "This would've been perfect!"
"Please, Rainbow, settle down," Rarity continued, "I'm about to start reading. Anyway, when I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate..." she put a hoof to her mouth, "D-dead babies..."
"NNNNGH..." went Pinkie Pie. I knew of two "babies" in particular she may have been thinking of at that moment.
"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate...September 11th, 2001."
"Auuuuggghhh!!!" I went.
"What's the matter, darling?" Rarity asked me.
I had one hand partially covering my face as I said, "Finish reading the cards and I'll tell you."
"Okay. I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate a pizza guy who...f-f-fucked up. Pardon me..."
Pinkie Pie giggled at Rarity's hesitation, as did AJ, Rainbow, and I.
"I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate Hurricane Katrina. I'm assuming that was a really bad one?"
"Wow, you guys actually know what hurricanes are?" I asked.
"Of course we do!" Rainbow said in a loud voice, "We just don't make 'em happen very often."
"Once a year at maximum," Fluttershy added.
"Interesting..." I finished.
"Anyway, I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate a whole new kind of porn. Well...maybe not. I shall erect a 50-foot statue to commemorate the primal...b-ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now..." The rest of us burst into laughter at that. Never had I seen a statue of two people getting at it, but I could only imagine what would happen after one was put up. "So, what is it about the date on this card?"
"Look," I began, "There are plenty of statues that already commemorate what happened on that day."
"What happened?" asked Fluttershy.
"Remember that thing that I told you the terrorists did? It was on that day."
"Oh my..." Fluttershy finished.
"What did it look like?" Twilight asked.
"I...don't think you want to see it. It's really hard to watch. How about I put it this way? Imagine the entire city of Canterlot breaking away from the cliffside that it's on and falling into the valley below."
The only immediate respone was six pairs of wide eyes, one of them beginning to well up in tears. "Oh my, those poor people!" Rarity said, sadly, "I think it's only appropriate that I go with that card."
The room went silent before we heard a small squeak. "I...I played that card," Fluttershy said, quietly. Never had I thought that Fluttershy would play that card. Then again, she didn't know what it was, but still... I wanted to say something right then and there, but I felt it would be kind of inappropriate.
"Moving on," Rainbow said as she grabbed the next card. "When all else fails, I can always masturbate to _____."
"Oh snap!" I said. There was one card in my hand that I so badly wanted to play, but I had a feeling things might go badly. Still, I couldn't resist. After handing my card to Rainbow Dash, I got up and went into the next room.
"Where 'ya goin'?" AJ asked me.
"Don't worry about it," I said while chuckling, "I don't want to be in here when the cards are read."
"Uhhh...okay?" she responded.
I then heard Twilight say, "Mine's a throwaway."
"Okay, let's do this!" Rainbow said. I could still hear them in the next room. "When all else fails, I can always masturbate to insatiable bloodlust? Nah. When all else fails, I can always masturbate to Ennui. Who knows what that is..." she said, not seeming to care about that card, "When all else fails, I can always masturbate to same-sex ice dancing. Geez, doesn't anyone have any good cards? Anyway, when all else fails, I can always masturbate to..." she paused. I sat in the other room, waiting for a response. Then, it happened all of a sudden. "OH, COME ON! ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?" I knew then and there that she had read my card. It was a custom one that read, "Impure thoughts about My Little Pony." I almost didn't want to play it, but I really wanted to see how they would react to it.
I slowly went back into the dining room. "Are you kidding me?!?" Rainbow exclaimed to me as she showed me the card in her hoof. It was indeed the card I was thinking of.
"I'm sorry, I just had to make that card," I explained, preparing myself for a fit of rage from the pegasus.
"Don't be sorry!" she continued, "I can't believe you made this! It's so funny!"
"Wait, you're actually okay with it?"
"Yeah! I mean, I've heard you say that other people have those same thoughts, and I just thought of it as every stallion in Equestria eyeing me and seeing how awesome I am! I wouldn't mind the attention!"
I breathed an enormous sigh of relief. "Wow. I'm surprised."
"Don't be," Twilight said, "With how this game's been going, I wouldn't have been surprised if there was a card about us."
"Great!" I replied. I then turned back to Rainbow as I sat down. "What are the other cards?"
"When all else fails, I can always masturbate to a big black dick. Probably if you're female. When all else fails, I can always masturbate to concealing a boner? No. No way. This one goes to impure thoughts about My Little Pony."
"That's me!" I said to her.
"I thought so..." she responded right as Pinkie Pie grabbed the next card.
"OOOH!!" Pinkie exclaimed, "Hold on!" She then vanished for a split second, literally, and returned wearing a hat that looked exactly like Trixie's. She then began reading the card in her best possible impression of the great and powerful unicorn. "For my next trick, The Great and Powerful Pinkie... Hehehe!" she giggled, "Sorry, I couldn't resist. Anyway," she continued in her impression, "For my next trick, I will pull _____ out of _____."
I looked at my cards, not really being able to make a combination of two of them. I just threw in two that only slightly went together just as the other last few cards were being given to the party pony.
"Okay," Pinkie continued, ceasing her Trixie impression but still wearing the hat, "For my next trick, I will pull a fetus out of every box in the world." Another custom one. "Ewww... For my next trick, I will pull a really cool hat out of an evil man in evil clothes. Wait, out of an evil man? No. For my next trick, I will pull an abnormally small, black dick..." Another custom, "...Out of a vagina that leads to another dimension. Hmmm... I can see that happening. I will pull graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content out of celebrity gangrape." Another custom. "Nnnnnah... I can't really see that 'cause you can't really pull that out of anything. I will pull some god damn peace and quiet out of the homosexual agenda. No. Last but not least, I, The Great and Powerful Pinkie...Tee-hee!...will pull synergistic management solutions out of a middle-aged man on roller skates. Hmmm... I'm going with...the small black dick and the interdimensional vagina."
"That's me!" Rarity said, excitedly, but still ladylike.
"Hey, Twilight, 'ya better watch out!" Rainbow exclaimed in a sarcastic tone, "I'm gaining on you!"
Twilight gave the pegasus another mischievous grin. "Just your luck I didn't get any this round. But trust me, that will all change very soon..."
"Oh, I'm ready for it!" Rainbow finished.
Author's Note
The fourth round has ended, and here is the score:
Me: 4
Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 5: Watch out! Pinkie's getting angry!
Once the commotion between Twilight and Rainbow died down, I decided to begin the next round. With the princess having a 3-point lead over me and three others, I knew this would be an interesting round. I drew the next card and said, "What's the new fad diet?"
Rarity looked a bit concerned. "...Mmmmine's not that great, unfortunately," she said, obviously unsure of her decision as she floated her card over to me.
"Dang it!" I heard AJ shout as she looked at the next white card she drew.
"Let's see..." I continued, "One, two, three, four, five, six. We're ready. What's the new fad diet? Another shot of morphine. Possibly. A dollop of sour cream. Probably not as possible. The safe word? Well then... Being fat and stupid." A few giggles were the result of that card being read. "Boogers."
"EWWWW!!!!" Rarity and Pinkie said in unison.
"And the last one is...bullshit. Well, let's see... I think I'm gonna have to go with another shot of morphine."
"YEAH, BABY!!" Rainbow exclaimed, "Keep 'em coming!"
"Well, Rainbow," Twilight began, "If you really want it, just play your best card right now. I have a strict policy. First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, _____."
"Yyyyeahhh... I don't think I can play my best card right now. It doesn't work. Maybe this one will, even though I don't know what it is," the cyan pegasus finished...or so I thought. "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" she laughed after drawing a new white card.
"Okay, then, here we go. I have a strict policy. First date, dinner. Second Date, kiss. Third date, figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin. That's a weird third date, isn't it? First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, being a dick to children."
"HA!" Rainbow laughed, "Wow!"
"Seriously, Rainbow," Fluttershy said, "It really isn't funny."
"Come on, Fluttershy!" Pinkie Pie butted in, "It's just a game, remember?"
"Ummm..." Fluttershy responded, hesitantly, "I...I guess you're right, Pinkie..."
"Anyway, third date, me time. Well then, sucks to be that guy. He'll NEVER hold a relationship if he does THAT. Third date, cr-cru-crucif-crucifixion?" Twilight finished as she looked up at me.
"It's a way of being killed by suffocation. I'll explain it to you later," I said.
"Okay. Anyway, third date, bingeing and purging. Ewww... Third date, a botched circumcision. Sooooo...they had a foal...er, baby, I'm sorry...that quickly?"
"Who knows?" I replied.
"You're right. Anyway, I don't know why, but figuring out how to have sex with a dolphin is jumping out at me. Who had that?"
"I did!" AJ replied. She then took the next black card and said, "During sex, I like to think about _____."
"Ummm..." Fluttershy began, "I'm not really sure I should play this, but holy Celestia, do I wanna win..." she finished as she handed her card to Applejack.
I heard Rainbow Dash go, "Awww..." at her next draw. Not sure why...
"Alright," Applejack continued, "Let's see. During sex, I like to think about the ooze."
"Don't you mean The Smooze?" Pinkie asked.
"Nah, it really says, 'the ooze'." AJ responded, "Anyway, During sex, I like to think about being nine years old. WOOOOOOOWWWW... That's pushin' it," she said while chuckling, "During sex, I like to think about the boners of the elderly. NNNNGH.... I like to think about flying sex snakes. Okay, that's a little better. I like to think about December 21st, 2012." Another custom card. "What's this day all about?"
"It was supposed to be the end of the world..." I replied.
"Yeeesh...Anyway, I like to think about spending lots of money."
"Well, I certainly wouldn't want to sleep with anyone who thinks about that ," Rarity said.
"Me, neither," replied AJ, "That's why I'm goin' with bein' nine years old. Even though it was a bit harsh, it was still pretty funny."
"Yay!" Fluttershy exclaimed silently, reaching over for the card.
"Geez, Fluttershy!" Rainbow said.
"Oh...um, did I offend you, Rainbow?"
"Hay, no! I meant that in a, 'Wow! That was awesome!' kind of way!"
"Oh, okay. Anyway, here's the next one." After looking at the next card, the yellow pegasus turned to the white unicorn next to her and said, "Oh, Rarity, I think you and I could both relate to this! What's making things awkward in the sauna?"
"Awww, yeah, here we go!" Rainbow continued, "You GOTTA pick this one, Fluttershy!"
"We'll see, Rainbow," Fluttershy replied with a smile. Soon, she had all six cards. "Okay," she continued, "What's making things awkward in the sauna? Becoming a blueberry. Well...that might work. Menstrual rage?" I couldn't help but giggle, despite that being my card. "The human body. Actually, I'd be fine with that, given that I've spent a lot of time with you already," she said while looking up at me. I smiled. "A sad fat dragon with no friends. Well, at least Spike's not actually like that. A homoerotic volleyball montage? I don't really get that one. And the last one is..." she gave a dramatic pause, but for good reason, "The biggest, blackest dick."
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" I laughed out loud while slamming a hand on the table, "That's the best card in the game!"
"Oh, it is?" Fluttershy asked before taking a closer look at the card, "Is it because it's embossed?"
"Nah, it's just really funny and it's normally a win condition."
"Oh, well, I guess I'll pick that one."
"YES!" Rainbow exclaimed, "I'm almost there, Twilight! Brace yourself!" Twilight didn't reply, only giving the pegasus a competitive smirk.
Rarity took the next card in her magic and began to read it. "My teacher got fired for adding _____ to the obstacle course."
"Here," Twilight said almost immediately, "This one's a throwaway." I myself threw in a card that I was sure none of them would know what it was once it was revealed.
"Everyone ready?" Rarity asked, witnessing the rest of us nodding at her, "Okay, then. My teacher got fired for adding a nuanced critique to the obstacle course. Ummm... No. My gym teacher got fired for adding scrotum ticking to the obstacle course. Well, I can't argue with that. My gym teacher got fired for adding free samples to the obstacle course. No, thank you. My gym teacher got fired for adding an ass disaster to the obstacle course...Ewww! Absolutely not!"
"Darn," Fluttershy said to herself.
"My gym teacher got fired for adding fisting to the obstacle course. Too simple. My gym teacher got fired for adding a thermonuclear detonation to the obstacle course. Well, that escalated quickly, now, didn't it? I think I'll go with that one."
"Sweet!" I exclaimed, "I didn't think you knew what that was because it had the word 'thermonuclear' in it."
"Oh, believe me, darling, there have been plenty of detonations in Equestria. Maybe you just haven't seen them."
"You're probably right," I replied, considering that the time when Rainbow destroyed that barn wasn't really a detonation.
"Alright, let's keep this going!" Rainbow said out loud as she looked at the next card. "Why was school closed today?" It was another custom black card. It was pretty vague, but boy, had I seen results.
"Whoa, nelly, this'll DEFINITELY win!" Applejack said.
"Oh?" Twilight replied while giving the earth pony a sly smirk.
"Enough of this," Rainbow cut them off, "Let's do this. Why was school closed today? Some really fucked-up shit. HA! Yeah! A fortuitous turnip harvest? Thanks, Rarity... Black people."
"Hahaha!!" I laughed, "Why does this game have to be so racist?!?"
"How should I know?" Rainbow replied, "You're the one who introduced this game to us! Anyway, ethnic cleansing. Mmmm...nah. Unfathomable stupidity. Ha! Everyone was so stupid that they suspended everybody! Anyway, jobs. So...like, there weren't enough teachers?"
"Who knows?" I replied.
"Well, I'm gonna go with the funniest one here, and that's some really fucked-up shit."
"Yes!" Twilight exclaimed, "Thank you, Rainbow!"
"Wait! Wait! I-I changed my mind!"
"Too late, Rainbow," Twilight replied floating the card over to herself and smiling at the pegasus, coyly.
"Uggghhh!!!" Rainbow finished.
"Come on, Rainbow!" Pinkie Pie said, "You can do it!" She then took the next card, but when she looked at it, her face sported an angry look. "Do NOT fuck with me! I am literally _____ right now!" she screamed as she slammed the card on the table. Some of us were a bit taken aback, but we brushed it off and started picking our cards.
"This one won't work," Twilight said, "But it's the only one that makes grammatical sense."
"Same here, darling," Rarity responded, seeming to sigh as she spoke.
"Looks like we're ready!" Pinkie chirped before her angry face returned. "Do NOT fuck with me! I am literally sanding off a man's nose right now!" A few ponies giggled at that. "Do NOT fuck with me! I am literally being a terrible mother right now!" Rainbow Dash began laughing as she fell backwards once again. "Do NOT fuck with me! I am literally...YOU MUST CONTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS right now?"
"I don't remember where that came from," I told her.
"Well, it's not winning either way," Pinkie continued as she immediately put the card in the discard pile, "Do NOT fuck with me! I am literally epically failing at life right now!" Another custom. "Wow... that's deep. Anyway, do NOT fuck with me! I am literally getting shot out of a cannon right now!"
"Ha!" AJ exclaimed, "That's perfect!"
"That makes way too much sense!" Twilight said.
"Do NOT fuck with me! I am literally walking into a glass door right now! Wow, some of these are horrible, but the others really make sense. I think...getting shot out of a cannon works the best. Who had that?"
"I did!" Fluttershy said, happily. I was glad that she was finally seeming comfortable with the game.
"Listen, I really need a break right now," Applejack said.
"Yeah, me, too," Twilight responded.
"Ten minutes?" I asked.
"Sounds fine to me!" Rarity replied as we got up from the table and went in different directions.
Author's Note
After five rounds, the score is as follows:
Me: 5
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Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 6: How is Rarity maintaining her relationship status?
After ten minutes, the Mane 6 and I returned to my dining room table, ready to begin the next round. As we sat down, I reached for the next black card. However, once I saw what it was, I knew it wouldn't make sense to use it. "Nah, let's not use this one," I said while reaching for the box on the floor and putting it inside.
"Wait. Why?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"This card's about a nudist colony, but given that you guys don't really wear clothes, I don't think it makes sense to use it because, not to be judgmental or anything, but your answers might not be that great,"
"He's right," Twilight said to her friends, "Let's just go with the next one."
"Will do," I replied while reaching for the next card. "Ha!" I exclaimed, "This one's so much better! You won't believe these 15 hilarious _____ bloopers!"
"Wow!" Rainbow said whilst laughing, "That is better! And I'm gonna win for sure!"
"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, Rainbow..." Twilight replied, slyly.
"Oh yeah??"
"Mmhmm."
"Well then, it's on!"
"Alright you two, settle down," I replied while chuckling, "We're ready now. Anyway, you won't believe these 15 hilarious coat hanger abortions bloopers!"
Nearly everyone in the room made some noise of displeasure upon hearing that card. "Oh, how disgusting!" Rarity exclaimed.
"You won't believe these 15 hilarious sweet, sweet vengeance bloopers! Nah. You won't believe these 15 hilarious wearing an octopus for a hat bloopers!"
"HAHAHAHA!!!" Rainbow laughed, "Who would do that?!?!?"
"You won't believe these 15 hilarious double penetration bloopers!" I nearly fell backwards after reading that, all while hearing laughter all around me. "You won't believe these 15 hilarious three dicks at the same time bloopers! Are you kidding me?!?!?!?" I shouted. This time, I actually did fall backwards. "What are the odds?" I said after getting back up. "You won't believe these 15 hilarious pulling out bloopers!" I had to laugh once more. Most of these were absolutely perfect, and I didn't want to choose only one. "You know, as great as three dicks at the same time was, I gotta go with coat hanger abortions."
"WHAT?!?" Rainbow yelled.
"Yee-haw!" AJ exclaimed before I handed her the black card, "I didn't think I'd win after three dicks at the same time!"
"Well, yours was a bit more graphic, and abortion bloopers, if there are any, don't end well."
"I think you're right."
"Okay, let's see what's next," Twilight said, "_____: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for _____!"
"Oh my," Rarity said, "There should be no reason for this one not to win!"
"I beg to differ," I responded.
"Looks like we're ready," Twilight continued, "The secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for a 12-way!" Another custom card. Twilight's eyes went a bit wide. "Well...that certainly makes sense. Mistaking shit for chocolate mousse:" Another custom. "Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for preteens! NNNNNGH... No. Not being sure what to do under the covers:" Yet another custom. "Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for never having sex again."
"Wow," Rainbow said, "That's perfect and sad at the same time."
"Warm, velvety muppet sex... What?"
"They're a series of famous puppets," I said.
"Oh, okay. Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for swiftly achieving orgasm? Uhhh...maybe. The unbelievable world of mushrooms: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for not believing in giraffes? I don't think so. A time travel paradox: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for generally having no idea what's going on. Actually...that kinda works. Regardless, I think I'll go with the 12-way."
"Splendid!" Rarity said in a high pitched tone. "I say, I think I'm gaining on you, Rainbow! You had better step up your game plan if you want to beat Twilight!" Rainbow only growled in annoyance.
Applejack inhaled deeply as she looked at the next black card, and we all went silent. "Everybody join hands and close your eyes," she began, almost in a whisper, "Do you sense that? That's the presence of _____ in this room."
I didn't have anything decent, so I just threw one in at random. Everyone else was silent as they put their cards in, although I really wasn't sure why.
"Okay," AJ continued, a bit louder this time, "Everybody join hands and close your eyes. Do you sense that? That's the presence of a brain tumor in this room."
"Oooooooo..." Rainbow said, not looking too happy.
"That's the presence of a power level of 8,999 in this room." Another custom. "Uhhh...what's this referrin' to?"
"I'll explain later," I replied, "But it does have to do with people/superheroes."
"Okay. That's the presence of grandma in this room."
"Ha!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Nah, I'm around Granny Smith all the time. That's the presence of bio-engineered assault turtles with acid breath in this room."
"Oh my..." Fluttershy said.
"That's the presence of a reason not to commit suicide in this room. Ummm...need a little more than that. That's the presence of poor life choices in this room. Boy, these weren't all that great. I think I'll go with a power level of 8,999, based on what you said."
"YES!" Rainbow exclaimed, happy to be one awesome point away from being tied with Twilight.
"Awww..." Fluttershy cooed as she looked at the next card. "This sounds sweet. Roses are red, violets are blue, I think of _____ when I think of you." Another custom black card. I looked at one particular card in my hand that I knew would be perfect, though it may make Fluttershy, or for that matter, all six ponies, a bit uncomfortable. I threw it in, anyway.
"Okay," Fluttershy continued. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I think of a lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint when I think of you. Ewww... I think of... a sea of troubles when I think of you."
Most of us went, "OOOOOOOOOO..." upon hearing that card.
"I think of...f-f-filling a m-man's a-anus with c-concrete...when I think of you. Oh...oh my, no thank you."
I watched as all the ponies cringed at that card. They were doing exactly what my other friends did when they first saw that card. "Oh, why?!?" Rarity wailed.
"I think of a smiling black man, a latina businesswoman, a cool Asian, and some whites when I think of you." I laughed. "I think of some douche with an acoustic guitar when I think of you."
Both Rainbow and Pinkie started laughing. "I can't believe you actually said that, Fluttershy!" Rainbow said, "HA!"
The yellow pegasus paid no mind to her friend's comment. "I think of rabid pencils who chase people when I think of you." Probably one of my less popular customs. It was just a weird idea I had. "Hmmm...I know this sounds horrible, but I'm going with a sea of troubles."
"SWEET CELESTIA, YES!" Rainbow Dash shouted as she took the card from Fluttershy, "WHAT'D I TELL YOU, TWILIGHT? HUH? WHAT'D I TELL YOU?"
"Well done, Rainbow Dash," was all the princess had to say.
Rarity then took the next card from the stack. "How am I maintaining my relationship status?" she asked.
"That's easy!" Rainbow said, "You're not! Hahaha!!" Rarity only groaned and rolled her eyes.
"Woo-hoo!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she drew another white card.
"Okay then," the white mare continued, "How am I maintaining my relationship status? The Land of Chocolate. Hmm...I like it. Falling into the toilet. No, no, no. Most certainly not. Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. Sounds like a really fancy place in Canterlot. Having been dead for a while?"
Each one of us began laughing. "You're coltfriend's a necrophiliac!" Twilight said playfully.
"Uhhh..." Rarity grunted, "One trillion dollars. Well, that will certainly keep a stallion in my life. And finally, a sofa that says, 'I have style, but I like to be comfortable'. To someone else, maybe, but I'm going with one trillion dollars."
"Wheeeeee!!!" Pinkie cheered as she took the card from Rarity. She hadn't gotten any cards in the past three rounds, and I was happy for her.
Rainbow then cleared her throat before reading the next card. "Dear Sir or Madam," she began, imitating Rarity's high-class tone, "We regret to inform you that the Office of _____ has denied your request for _____."
"Ha! Good one, Rainbow!" AJ said, complimenting her friend.
I had a card that went well with the elements of harmony, plus I had a custom card, and for some reason, I put them together and gave them to Rainbow. "Ahem. Dear Sir or Madam, we regret to inform you that the Office of butt stuff has denied your request for when you fart and a little bit comes out."
"Ewww!!!" exclaimed Pinkie.
"We regret to inform you that the Office of not contributing to society in any meaningful way has denied your request for strong female characters. Hmmm... We regret to inform you that the Office of mad...hacky-sack skills?"
"It's essentially a small beanbag that we humans kick in the air to each other with our feet," I said.
"Okay. ...has denied your request for hipsters. Mmmm...nah. We regret to inform you that the Office of making a friend has denied your request for painting the White House black?" Another custom.
"It's where our president lives," I said.
"Oh, okay. We regret to inform you that the Office of being without a lover..." Another custom, "...has denied your request for a sweaty, panting leather daddy. HA! We regret to inform you that the Office of child beauty pageants has denied your request for blowjobs for everyone! Yes! That one wins!"
"Oh, how delightful!" Rarity said, "I'm almost tied with you two!" she finished while pointing to Rainbow, and then to Twilight.
"Aw, crap!" Rainbow exclaimed, realizing that she was right.
"Okay, let's see if this one makes that a reality!" Pinkie Pie said while taking the next card. She then proceeded to read it in an excited tone. "Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with _____ instead!"
"Yes!" I shouted, noticing an amazing card in my hand, "Perfect!"
"Oh, we'll see about that..." Rainbow said to me in a competitive tone.
"Hey, calm down!" Pinkie said, "We're gonna find that out right now! Fun tip! When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with a box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer instead. Hmmm... try surprising him with a box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid instead. Nah, he would have found that WAY before then. Try surprising him with a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis instead. So...whose penis is it biting? Anyway, try surprising him with a disappointing salad instead. Nah. Try surprising him with blood farts instead. Ewww!!!" The others laughed. "Try surprising him with a crappy little hand instead. You know, despite how gross it is, I'm going with blood farts."
"Sweet!" I said, Pinkie handing me the card soon after.
"The next rounds gonna be the last, just so 'ya know," Rainbow said while looking at no one in particular.
"You're right, Rainbow," Twilight replied, "And we all know why..." She finished my giving her another sly grin.
"This is gonna be a gooooooood next few rounds ..." I thought to myself.
Author's Note
It seems that Twilight and Rainbow are neck and neck. Who will win? Find out after this!
After 6 rounds, here's the score:
Me: 6
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Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
Round 7: How did Rainbow Dash lose her virginity?
"You know," I began, "I'm getting bored. Let's stop playing."
"NO!" Rainbow and Twilight shouted in unison and desperation. Instantly, I knew that they were definitely at war with each other, in a way.
"Don't worry, I'm just joking," I continued, "I just wanted to see how you guys would react." The alicorn and the pegasus only frowned at me. I then began the next round by taking the next black card. "What gets better with age?"
"This!" Rainbow said as she handed over her card.
"Ha! You're just like me when I'm with my other friends, Rainbow!" I told her, "I usually end up putting a card in before they finish reading the black card!"
"Probably because you know all of these by heart, don't you?"
"Not entirely. Anyway, you guys ready?" They nodded. "Okay. What gets better with age? Chunks of dead hitchhiker. Uhhh...not sure which direction to go with that one. Pumping out a baby every nine months. Wouldn't it be more like a year for you guys?"
"Around 11 months, more or less," Rarity replied.
"Alright," I continued, "An overwhelming variety of cheeses. Wow. You know, if you think about it, that really makes sense."
"It sure does," Fluttershy said.
"Nunchuck moves. Maybe. White-man scalps. Ha! Good one! My relationship status! Wow! This ended pretty nicely!" I then looked over at Rainbow, who was giving me a sly smile, and then I looked back at my choices. "You know, I hate to be that guy, but there are some cheeses that really do get better as they age, so I'm going with the cheese card."
"YES!" Twilight exclaimed.
"WHAT?!?!?" Rainbow shouted in response, "COME ON!!!!"
"Rainbow," Rarity began, "You simply can't expect to win every time, now, can you?"
"I don't!" the cyan mare replied, "But...but...he really liked my card!"
"Which one was it?" I asked.
"White-man scalps!"
"Oh." Eventually, after I finished, Rainbow slowly sunk in her chair.
"Don't be sad, Dashie!" Pinkie said, "Twilight can't win the next card!"
"Hey, you're right!" Rainbow responded.
"Don't get your hopes up, Rainbow," Twilight said, "This one may be a bit of trouble for you. _____. Betcha can't have just one!"
"I...I really shouldn't play this one," Fluttershy said.
"But you really want to win, right?" I asked.
"Absolutely. That's why I'm playing it, anyway."
"Awww..." was the sound Pinkie made at her next draw.
"Let's see," Twilight continued, "An icepick lobotomy. Betcha can't have just one! Uhhh...actually you can. It makes sense to only get one lobotomy in your life."
"Crap ..." I thought to myself.
"A sex comet from Neptune that plunges the Earth into eternal sexiness. Betcha can't have just one! Hmmm...maybe. Catapults. Betcha can't have just one! Again, maybe. A box-shaped man. Betcha can't have just one! Probably not. A mopey zoo lion. Betcha can't have just one!"
"I certainly wouldn't mind more than one," Fluttershy said.
"A bloody pacifier. Betcha can't have just one!"
"OOOOOOOOO..." the majority of us went in unison.
"And here I thought we were done with the dark ones," Applejack said.
"That last one nailed it. Who had a bloody pacifier?"
"Ummm...I did," Fluttershy responded.
"WOW..." I said in shock, "You're the LAST pony I'd expect to play that card." Fluttershy didn't have much of a response, though she did smile.
"What's that smell?" Applejack asked.
We each looked at each other. "I don't smell anything, AJ," Rainbow said.
"Neither do I," said Pinkie Pie.
"Ha! Gotcha!" AJ responded, "That's what this here card says!" she finished while showing us the black card she had just drawn.
"Nice one," I said.
"I must say, this is the only card I have that shows something you could smell, and I'm playing it no matter how bad it is," Rarity spoke.
Soon, AJ was ready to read the cards. "What's that smell? Immortality cream. Is there even such a thing?"
"Not in this world," I said.
"What the?!? Boy, your mind is sick!" she said while looking up at me with a slightly annoyed expression on her face, "Eating squirrels for dinner." Another custom card.
Fluttershy gasped audibly. "Oh...those poor little squirrels! Why?" she exclaimed, obviously in total shock of seeing that card.
"A good sniff," AJ continued, "Wait, how can you smell a sniff? That doesn't make sense. Drinking alone. Well, if 'ya drank enough and the place smelled like over-fermented cider, I guess that would make sense. Sniffing glue. Again, 'ya can't really smell a sniff. Kale. Well, I guess so, but I gotta go with eatin' squirrels for dinner. That would certainly smell weird."
"YES!" Rainbow Dash shouted, "I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA WIN, TWILIGHT!!!"
"Rainbow, you're only at nine," the princess replied.
"Doesn't matter! I'm still gonna win this whole thing!"
"Oh, I think we all know who's going to win..." Twilight finished, an average look on her face while she faced away from the pegasus.
"Hmmm..." Fluttershy began, "_____ would be woefully incomplete without _____." I had no two cards that worked together, so I put down two cards that were just harsh in general.
"Hehehe!" Pinkie giggled as she put her pair of cards in.
"Okay, here we go," the yellow mare continued, "An alternate universe where boxes store things inside of people would be woefully incomplete without shiny objects. Hmmm...I guess that could work. Necrophilia would be woefully incomplete without whipping it out."
"Too obvious," Rainbow pointed out. I had to agree with her.
"You're right," Fluttershy said, pushing the pair of white cards aside. "A kiss on the lips would be woefully incomplete without a hopeless amount of spiders."
"Hahaha!" Twilight giggled, "Imagine if that happened to Rarity!"
"I beg your pardon?!?" the white unicorn responded, somewhat displeased.
"Police brutality would be woefully incomplete without...ummm...ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry. Oh my..."
"HA!" Rainbow laughed.
"A boxing match with a giant box would be woefully incomplete without something that looks like a box but turns out to be a crate. Yeah, I guess. A crazy little thing called love...awww...would be woefully incomplete without..." Fluttershy paused as she looked at the other white card. It looked like she had just witnessed the most horrifying event of her life. She soon threw the cards on the table, fell back onto the floor, and started crying. "AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! WHY?!? WHY?!?" she wailed.
"Fluttershy, darling, what is it?" Rarity asked, trying to comfort her friend. She then looked over to the card she had just thrown onto the table. It was face-down, so she took it in her magic and read it to herself. "Oh my..." she said, somewhat silently while her face cringed, "It says...'Ripping a dog in half'."
Nearly all the rest of us went, "NNNNNGH!!"
"Aw, geez..." I said out loud, "I've seen that card before. I don't even wanna think about that..."
After about a minute, Fluttershy finally ceased her crying and sat back on her chair. "I'm sorry," she began, "I just never expected anything like that to come up as a card. I'm not going with that one, as you may have already noticed. Who had the pair of cards about boxes?"
"I did," AJ replied. I could tell that Fluttershy was ready to get that card out of her sight and move on.
Rarity took the next black card in the stack. "The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, _____, Acceptance."
"Crying over a tortoise?" I asked while chuckling.
"Hey!" Rainbow exclaimed.
"Sorry, I couldn't resist."
"Ugh..."
"This should be funny!" Pinkie said while handing her card to Rarity.
Soon, the white unicorn was ready. "The Five Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Jerking off into a pool of children's tears, Acceptance."
"EWWW!!!" Pinkie and Rainbow exclaimed in unison.
"Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Doin' it in the butt, Acceptance."
"Ha!" AJ laughed.
"Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Dying alone and in pain, Acceptance. Well, I think dying alone and in pain is acceptance in itself. Anyway, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Indescribable loneliness, Acceptance. Maybe. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Blowing some dudes in an alley, Acceptance. Ew! No! Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Alcoholism, Acceptance. Oooooo..."
"That's deep," AJ said.
"Yes, it sure is," Rarity continued, "I'm going with that one."
"That's me!" I said, excitedly.
"Let's keep this thing rolling!" Rainbow said while taking the next black card. I could tell that she wanted to get being the Card Czar over with so she could have a chance at beating Twilight once it was Pinkie Pie's turn to read a black card. However, when the pegasus looked at the card she had just taken, she frowned. "Aw, great. How did I lose my virginity?" she asked in an unamused tone.
All of us started laughing hysterically. Even Fluttershy mustered a few giggles. All Rainbow did was stare blankly at us. After a while, we got down to business. "Mine's a throwaway," I said.
"Same here," said Fluttershy.
"And here," Pinkie said.
"Ready? Alright," Rainbow continued, not looking quite as unamused as earlier, "How did I lose my virginity? Beefin' over turf? Nah. Snorting coke off a clown's boner. Close, but no. Fucking a corpse back to life! HA! That's funny! Overcompensation?"
"I say, some of these are just horrible!" Rarity said.
"Yeah, they are," Rainbow said, "Ha! But not this one! Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog!"
Pinkie and AJ started laughing pretty loudly at that. "Now THAT is amazing!" I said.
"The last one is carnies. Nah, I have to go with fucking a corpse back to life. That was pretty funny!"
"Yee-haw!" AJ exclaimed, reaching for the card.
"Alright, Pinkie," Rainbow said after giving AJ her awesome point, "What's next?"
"What ended my last relationship?" Pinkie read aloud, "Darn! I had the perfect card!"
"Oh my, this is quite dark, but I'm playing it anyway," Rarity said.
"There's no way mine's gonna win..." I said, not sounding too happy.
"Okay, let's go!" Pinkie chirped, "What ended my last relationship? Vehicular manslaughter."
"WOW..." I said loudly, "That's pretty harsh."
"Poopy diapers. Ewww...no. Moral ambiguity? Nah. Wearing glasses and sounding smart. Maybe. A constant need for validation. Hmmm... Licking things to claim them as your own."
"This wasn't a very good outcome," AJ said.
"You're right, it wasn't," Pinkie continued, "You know, even though vehicular manslaughter was decent, having a constant need for something that the other isn't willing to put up with is something that's almost guaranteed to end a relationship. Who had a constant need for validation?"
"I did!" I said, happily. I then pointed to both Twilight and Rainbow. "You two still tied?" I asked.
"Yep!" Twilight said.
"Unfortunately..." Rainbow said, bemused.
"Well, this next round has a real good chance of being the last, so you guys just wanna get right into it?"
"Sounds good to me!" Twilight replied.
"Let's do it!" Rainbow exclaimed.
Author's Note
Well, no winner yet, but we're getting close! Stay tuned for the next round!
At the end of the seventh round, here is the score:
Me: 8
Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
And so we began the eighth round. I couldn't wait to see all the commotion that would happen between Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, given that they were each one card away from winning. I picked up the next black card, and it turned out to be a custom one. "MMM...I love the smell of _____ in the morning."
"Oh, that's easy," Twilight said as she passed her card over to me.
"Oh, 'ya think?!?" Rainbow asked while she did the same thing.
"Mine's a throwaway," said Fluttershy.
"Let's see what we've got here," I said while shuffling the six white cards in front of me, "MMM...I love the smell of yeast in the morning. Does that really even have a smell? MMM...I love the smell of Oil!...in the morning. Actually, I prefer the scent of gasoline. I know it's bad, but I can't help it. MMM...I love the smell of boring vaginal sex in the morning. Yeah...but it's boring, so no. MMM... I love the smell of having sex on top of a pizza in the morning."
"Ewww!" Twilight said.
"Who would even think of doin' somethin' like that?" AJ asked.
"Beats me," I responded, "MMM...I love the smell of the moist, demanding chasm of his mouth in the morning." All the ponies giggled at me. "That was the worst possible time to play that card..." I continued, bemused, "MMM...I love the smell of a buttload of candy in the morning. You know, I hate to be that guy, but I'm just gonna go with a buttload of candy."
"WHEEEE!!!!" Pinkie exclaimed as she snatched the card away from me.
"Oh boy..." Twilight began as she levitated the black card she drew in front of her, "I could think of plenty of options for this one. Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out _____."
"Oh, I'm gonna win this one..." I said as I hand my card to Twilight.
"No, I am!" Rainbow said.
"No, I am!" Pinkie exclaimed to the both of us.
"No way you guys're gonna win!" AJ shouted, "Mine's the best!"
"I beg to differ, darling," Rarity said as she floated her card over to the alicorn.
"Ummm...I really think my card will win," Fluttershy said.
"Well, looks like we've finally got some real competition here, don't we?" Twilight continued, "Let's see. Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out panda sex. Hmmm...Interesting. Charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out sudden penis loss."
"HA!" I exclaimed.
"I'd love to see Big Mac act that out one of these days!" AJ said.
"...When my mom had to act out scrotal frostbite. OOOOO... I can only imagine how that feels... When my mom had to act out testicular torsion. NNNNNGH...That, too."
"Don't ask..." I said.
"...When my mom had to act out two whales fucking the shit out of each other." We all laughed at that. It was a recent addition to the game, and I thought it was genius. "...When my mom had to act out sneezing, farting, and cumming at the same time. Wow! These are all amazing!" She stared at them for a while. "Hmmm...I think I'm going to have to do that thing that Pinkie Pie did earlier." The princess then closed her eyes and shuffled the cards in midair with her magic, the cards' texts not visible to the rest of the group. "Okay, charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out..." she placed one random card on the table, "Sneezing, farting, and cumming at the same time."
"Wonderful!" Rarity exclaimed as she took her awesome point in her magic.
"Come on!" Rainbow exclaimed, displeased, "What's wrong with whales?"
"Look, Rainbow," Twilight continued, "They were all good, and I had a hard time deciding between them. Deal with it."
"Ugh...FINE..."
"Hmmm..." AJ began while sporting a look of accomplishment, "That's right, I killed _____. How, you ask? _____."
"This kinda works," I said as I handed my cards to AJ.
"Mine's a throwaway," Rainbow said, "Even though they kinda go together."
"Alright, let's get a move on," AJ continued, preparing to read the various combinations in front of her. "That's right, I killed an oppressed people with a vibrant culture. How, you ask? Fiery poops."
"Well, I certainly would not want to kill such people," Rarity said, "Who knows what kind of inspiration I might get from their culture?"
"That's right, I killed a bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans! HA! How, you ask? Having shotguns for legs."
"That started out awesome, but then it got way too obvious way too quickly," Rainbow said.
"I wouldn't say that just yet, Rainbow," AJ continued, "Anyway, that's right, I killed poor people. How, you ask? Almost giving money to a homeless person. Uhhh...I don't think so. That's right, I killed a for-real lizard that spits blood from it's eyes. How, you ask? An erection that lasts longer than four hours. But, who's got the erection? That's right, I killed the milkman. How, you ask? Hot cheese. Hmmm... That might work. That's right, I killed hot people. How, you ask? The male gaze. 'Ya know, I didn't really like a whole lot of these. I'm gonna go with the shotguns one."
"That's me!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie.
"Man, why don't I have any good cards!?" Rainbow Dash asked herself.
"Are we ready?" Fluttershy asked. Everyone nodded. "Okay. James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a new magical friend: _____."
"To me, that sounds like another door in my castle that I have yet to see what's behind," Twilight said.
"Here, mine's a throwaway," Rarity said while passing her card to Fluttershy.
"This is the only one I have that makes sense," said Rainbow Dash.
Soon, Fluttershy had all six cards. "James is a lonely boy. But when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a new magical friend: Homeless people."
"That sounds real creepy," AJ began, "Havin' homeless ponies live in the roof of your barn or the attic of your house without you knowin' about it."
"He meets a new magical friend: A falcon with a cap on its head. I'd certainly like that. He meets a new magical friend: My sex dungeon."
"Whoa!" Rainbow exclaimed, "Seriously!? A sex dungeon in your attic!? That's so funny!"
"He meets a new magical friend: Heteronormativity. What's that?"
"I have no idea," I responded.
"He meets a new magical friend: A box within a box. Interesting. He meets a new magical friend: Heartwarming orphans."
"That's still creepy..." AJ said.
"Oh my, a few of these really worked," Fluttershy continued, "You know, given how the game's gone so far, I think the appropriate choice here would be my sex dungeon."
"Woo-hoo!" Pinkie exclaimed. She took her awesome point, officially putting her, Rarity, and I in a three-way tie at eight.
"Let's see, now," Rarity said while taking the next black card in her blue magic, "What's a girl's best friend?"
"This better win me the game..." Twilight said as she floated her card to Rarity.
"Well, it won't!" Rainbow replied.
"Who knows?" I began, "It may very well be the winner." Rainbow only shrugged.
"Alright, let's continue," Rarity said, holding the six cards in her magic, "What's a girl's best friend? Catastrophic urethral trauma."
"Ouch!" I exclaimed. I, for one, would never be in the mood for something like that.
"What's a girl's best friend? A cooler full of organs. Ewww...no, thank you. A defective condom."
"HA!" AJ laughed.
"Walking in on...oh dear..."
"What is it, Rarity?" Pinkie asked.
"W-Walking in on...dad...p-peeing into...m-mom's...m-mouth."
"EWWW!!!" the party pony responded while Rainbow Dash couldn't help but laugh.
"Anyway," Rarity continued, still noticeably disgusted by that previous card, "Demonic possession."
"If Sunset Shimmer were here," Twilight began, "She'd probably pick that one."
"And finally, masturbation. My goodness." The alabaster unicorn then scanned over her options. "You know, as unladylike as this sounds, I think that all mares, or women in this world, enjoy the occasional self-pleasure session. It really helps us to relax and unwind after a long day's work. Who had masturbation?"
"YES! I WIN!" Twilight yelled, flapping her wings in excitement.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Rainbow shouted, appalled to have been beaten, "COME ON!!!"
"Congrats, Twi!" AJ said, giving the princess a high-hoof.
"Now, wait just a minute, girls," I interrupted, "We're not finished quite yet."
"Really?!?" Rainbow asked, her eager eyes looking directly into mine, "So I can still win?? Well, in a way??"
"Yes. Here," I said, reaching for the lid of the box. I then pulled out a black card that I kept separate from all the others. "This card I have in my hand is what we use to close out every game of Cards Against Humanity. The only difference here is that every single one of us plays on this card. There's no Card Czar."
"What does it say?" Fluttershy asked.
"Make a Haiku," I continued, "This is another, 'Draw 2, Pick 3' card." After I was finished, the seven of us each drew 2 additional white cards.
"Do we actually have to make a haiku? You know, five syllables, then seven, then another five?" Rarity asked.
"Nope. It can be whatever you want it to be," I replied.
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie chirped.
It took us a few minutes, but eventually we had all our "haikus" in front of us. "Each of us will read our own selection. I'll start. Bullets, explosions, mutually assured destruction."
"Wait, how do we determine a winner?" Rainbow asked, a hint of desperation still evident in her tone.
"All of us will determine a winner together," I finished.
"Okay," Rainbow replied.
Twilight then read her "haiku". "Spectacular abs, destroying the evidence, self-flagellation." Hers was actually a haiku.
"A dance move that's just sex, not reciprocating oral sex, ejaculating inside another man's wife," AJ said.
"Mine says, 'Copping a feel, eating an albino, the inevitable heat death of the universe'," Fluttershy spoke.
Rarity then began reading hers. "Cock, jizz, silence."
"That's it?" I asked.
"Yes," Rarity replied, lifting the cards in her magic to show me.
"Here's mine," Rainbow said, "A gentle caress of the inner thigh, establishing dominance, sexual tension."
"My turn!" Pinkie exclaimed, "Rising from the grave, an army of skeletons, a can of whoop-ass."
"Okay, let's decide," I said.
"I don't think mine's all that great," Fluttershy said, sadly.
"Yeah, I have to agree. Sorry," I replied.
"Rainbow," AJ began, "Yours starts out okay, but sexual tension kinda throws it off course, if 'ya know what I mean."
Rainbow looked at her cards one last time. "You know, AJ, you're right. I'll just set mine aside."
"I think we should keep Twilight's and Pinkie's, since they're actually haikus," I said.
"I agree," Rarity replied.
"I think we'll keep yours, too, Rarity," I continued.
"Oh? But mine's minimal."
"But it makes sense," Rainbow said.
"I think Applejack's is actually a bit funny," Fluttershy said, "I think we should keep that one, too."
"Now, I'm not gonna vote for my own haiku," I said, "It wouldn't be fair. In my opinion, if I had to pick any, I'd go with Pinkie Pie's. Even though it didn't end well, it's still a haiku, and it would make plenty of people laugh."
"But I thought you didn't have to play a haiku," Twilight said.
"That doesn't mean the winner has to not be a haiku," I replied, "Besides, I'm usually, you know, that guy."
"I actually like Pinkie's," Rainbow said, "I vote for hers!"
"Me, too!" AJ said.
"So do I!" said Twilight.
"Same here!" Fluttershy announced.
"Majority rules," I said, "Pinkie Pie, you win this card!"
"Whoopee!" the pink party pony cheered.
"This was really fun!" Twilight said.
"Yeah, it sure was!" AJ told me.
"I hate to admit it, but this game was immensely enjoyable!" Rarity said.
"Well, maybe we can play again another time," I said, "That is, if you're planning to come back to this world at some point."
"We'll see," Fluttershy said.
"And when we DO play again," Rainbow began, "I'm gonna win!" she finished while looking Twilight in the eyes.
Twilight stared competitively into Rainbow's eyes and said, "Challenge accepted!"
Author's Note
Well, Twilight's the big winner!! Hope you enjoyed this fic, despite its highs and lows. I might make a sequel in which Twilight remakes this game for play in Equestria, but I'm not totally sure yet.
Here's the final score:
Me: 8
Here are the remaining cards in each player's hand/hoof:
* = Custom card
Me:
TS:
AJ:
Fluttershy:
Rarity:
RD:
Pinkie:
Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind
It took me only about a minute to pack all the cards back into the box. As I did, Twilight and Rarity were using their magic to help clean up any messes that had been made, mainly having to do with an excess of potato chips.
I was really happy with the outcome of this game. Everyone seemed to enjoy it, even Fluttershy. I figured that she would be too timid to play, but I was eventually proven wrong. I also thought Rarity would find the game too uncouth for her standards, but she also proved me wrong with her random bouts of excitement throughout the game.
It seemed that Rainbow and Twilight had gotten into the game the most. I never expected they would get that competitive over a simple card game, but then again, watching their sarcastic rivalry get bigger and bigger was quite a sight to behold.
Once everything had been taken care of, the seven of us realized that there wasn't really anything else to do, so I knew then that I would have to say goodbye to six of the most famous equines in the universe. I didn't want them to leave, but I knew that Twilight would be able to bring them back someday.
"Well, girls," I said, "I guess this is goodbye for now. Have a safe trip home."
"Bye!" Pinkie interjected almost immediately.
"Thanks again for lettin' us play that game!" AJ said.
"Yeah!" Rainbow added, "It was way past awesome!"
"I, ummm..." Fluttershy began, "...guess I had a good time, at least near the end of the game. I think I liked seeing Rainbow and Twilight competing against each other more than the game itself."
"Well, that was certainly amusing, darling," Rarity said, "But that game was just what I needed! I never get to do anything like that, ever! What with all the work I have to do at the shop and looking after Sweetie Belle and everything in-between. Thank you so much!"
"Hehe..." I giggled in reply, "You're welcome, Rarity."
I then turned my head to Twilight, who seemed to be deep in thought. It wasn't too long before a smile appeared on her face. Facing me, she said, "Grab that box. I've got an idea."
"Huh?" I asked in reply.
"Well, I think we can all agree that Rainbow and I definitely need another round of this, so why don't you come back to Equestria with us?"
I froze upon hearing what the princess had to say. "Did she really just ask that? " I thought to myself. I couldn't believe it. Here was Twilight Sparkle, in the flesh, offering to take me to her homeland. I knew that this was every Brony's and/or Pegasister's dream, and I knew couldn't pass up this once in a lifetime opportunity.
"Absolutely! I'd love to!" I finally replied.
"Great!" Twilight responded, "Now, hold still, everyone."
Right then and there, I saw Twilight charging up her horn. As she did, I quickly snatched the black box with my right hand and stood back in front of her. Eventually, a big, purple aura surrounded the seven of us. I knew right then and there that I was in for the vacation of a lifetime.
All of a sudden, there was a bright, white flash, and then there was nothing.
Author's Note
Thank you for taking time to read this final chapter.
Now, let me do the honor of directing you to this story's sequel, Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus .