Chapters How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter 1: The Beginning
It’s hard looking at my life before Equestria. My name is Steven and I had a standard 9-5 job, lived with my parents and just wasn’t accepted by society. Most men my age wanted to talk about sports, all I want to talk about is ponies. It may be strange to you, but we all have hobbies and the fact it was deemed “wrong” to talk about mine just didn’t seem fair. Even as a child, before MLP, I found my love for ponies. I would often ask my parents if I could buy the pony figures from the girls section. They generally were resilient to buying me one, but they would usually give in if I got mad about it.
After buying a few, they didn’t put up as much resistance to buying these things. They told me later that they had talked with other parents and were convinced it’s the kind of phase all children go through and it’s natural. They told my parents that if they let me indulge my hobby, it would be out of my system. They still weren’t happy about it though, I can’t expect them to understand.
It wasn’t until I was 20 that I found out about the show MLP and began watching it with earnest. I found the fanbase endearing and supportive and enjoyed interacting at the many ponycons and conventions that popped up around the globe. Through meeting those in the fandom I found a trend that a lot of Bronies especially from my area were in the military, they talked highly of their jobs, of their comradeship and of course the little corner of the fandom they made up.
One of these military friends invited me over to his place to hang out one day where we watched MLP and we talked about his life in the military with myself expressing much interest on the matter as he duly noted. He offered to give me assistance on signing up at the local recruitment centre.
Once I was cleared fit to join up I did some thinking and after quitting my job and saying my farewells to my friends and family, I reported for basic training with a mixture of excitement and trepidation.
After my 6 months through basic training, I was assigned to the 8th Infantry Regiment based in Colorado. Everything was going well for me so far, until I met Harry. He was also part of the 8th Infantry Regiment, but something about him rubbed him the wrong way and it was clearly mutual. While in training, he’d find any possible trigger to annoy me and I often ignored it, trying to be the bigger person.
However, the final straw happened when I was talking to another regarding my love for MLP and he decided to butt into the conversation. His initial reaction was a obnoxious and bigoted laugh. “Ha, you like some little girl’s show? The hell is wrong with you?” he sniggered as I turned red with embarrassment.
Despite not being a Brony my friend defended my right to enjoy whatever I liked and reminded us that we were all brothers in arms here and that Harry should stop being such a judgemental prick. Harry bit his lip and turned his head away in disgust and anger. He muttered “Faggot” quietly under his breath so that only I could hear as he shouldered past me and returned to the barracks.
A few days later, I was cleaning my kit by myself and getting ready for a live fire training exercise that would be taking place tonight, when he came around by my bunk. “Hey there Steve, how’s it going? Listen, I just wanted to apologise for my actions the other day and hope there’s no bad blood or anything between us?” I knew I couldn’t forgive him entirely, but his apology seemed genuine; Either way, I wasn’t willing to start an argument and so accepted his apology.
He nodded and said “Ah, swell. See you on the live fire tonight”, he then turned and walked away.
The rest of the day went with nothing of note, before I knew it the live fire was underway. It was pitch-black as my team and I crouched in the undergrowth of what was supposedly hostile lines a few miles away from the base.
Our objective was simple enough, secure a zone deep within enemy territory, rescue a hostage from some insurgents (dummies made of straw) and get back home in time for the morning bugle call through the P.A.
I licked my lips with eagerness, it was hard to think that a year ago I knew nothing about MLP and now thanks to the fandom I was here, in the military and doing an honoured service to my country.
The team moved along different routes in squads of five and funnily enough I was placed with Harry. I supposed that it was fortunate that we had put the incident behind us so we could focus on the mission at hand, well the simulation but still.
We moved through the undergrowth, quickly and quietly, barely a sound emanating from our boots as they trampled through ferns and bushels. It was clear where we were going and we’d all agreed to operate in complete silence, so I was alarmed when Harry held up his hand, signalling us all to stop and ordered “Get him.”
As confused as I was at first I was outraged as I felt the hands of my comrades grabbing me, tearing my M16 assault rifle from my grasp and pulling my helmet and my headset off as I struggled incomprehensibly to get out from their clutches.
“You think that we can trust a freak like you when we’re out on missions in hostile zones? It’s bad enough that we have queers and women now, but you take the damn cake”. Before I could manage a response, he produced a rope tied in a noose from his pack. Like a screaming infant, I flailed my legs about as he tied the noose around my neck.
I couldn’t guess the motives of the others, but Harry’s motives seemed clear. It was enjoyment, the grin of his face was grotesquely cartoonish. After the noose was tied, his smile faded for a moment when he pointed to a tree. “That one, get to it”. This was an order to the others and they dragged me over.
‘They can’t be serious’ I thought as they threw the rope over the tree and somebody from behind, using tie wraps to tie my hands and feet together they pulled the rope tightly around my neck and stepped back, one of them holding the rope as I struggled vainly to get out.
My senses were going numb, I knew there was no escape. I continued to struggle, hoping for the small chance someone would come and stop this. No… No, they would not do this, they could not do this! I mean what the hell was happening right now?
I began to hyperventilate as movement around me began to stop and they all gathered in front of me, staring at me with cold eyes, Harry at the fore with a sick grin on his face. “Come on Harry this isn’t funny!” I croaked, the noose tight around my neck although it was not as yet taut thank God.
Harry looked at me with a bemused expression as some of the other guys chuckled as they came out of their silent shells, my so called “comrades” whom were supposed to be my brothers in arms through fire and fury.
“You’re not meant to be a soldier Steven, I had a feeling from day one that you weren’t right but after you confirmed my suspicions we had no choice but to act, we’re going to teach you a little lesson” Harry grinned as he took the rope from the one holding it and pulled it taut, lifting my feet off the ground until I was standing on my toes, gasping as I looked at him with pleading eyes.
“We’ll see how you feel after let’s say a minute or two dangling from the rope, try not to die now because that would just be no fun, you got the camera Dave?” he asked one of his thugs who pulled a camera from his belt and began to record me as Harry began to pull back on the rope with a grunt, hoisting me into the air, cutting off my air and beginning to choke me.
I panicked as my face turned red, I tried calling for help but simply spluttering and coughing as a vein began to bulge from my head. “Look at him kick” Harry laughed as the others chuckled along with him, fuelling his bravado and making him lift me further into the air.
Tears streamed down my face as I willed everything to be over, surely they didn’t intend to hang me until I was dead? I wasn’t sure anymore as I began to feel dizzy, my world spinning as the laughter died down and one of the guys asked “Shouldn’t we stop now? He looks like he’s going to pass out?”
Harry’s words were angry but blurred as at that moment my vision did indeed begin slipping into the darkness and my face, now purple went lax as I felt no more.
Time passed in a strange way for me and I had no idea where I was, I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or maybe I was dead? All these thoughts were rejected however as I came to, a pounding headache upon me and the rope gone from around my neck.
I sat up slowly, wincing at the bright sunlight of morning as I realised that I was in clearing of the forest we had been trekking through, they had probably hung me until I was unconscious, taken me down and dragged me here, leaving me behind and continuing on with the mission.
‘Assholes’ I thought ‘I could have died had it been any longer! If they think they’re getting away with this, they have another thing coming.’ I shook my head and coughed, feeling the rope burns around my neck, the remnants of last nights madness.
‘All because I like ponies’ I thought of the injustice of it all, bringing myself up. It felt strange though, I had instinctively got on all fours instead of standing up. I looked down at myself, my new self for the first time. I was no longer human, I had hooves and a coat that was an aqua blue colour with wings upon my back. A mix of confusion and fear, I galloped over to a nearby body of water and looked at myself, obviously I must be dreaming.
“A pony” I muttered. I muttered it over and over, happier and louder until it became a cheer of joy. I handled such a strange event rather well, it seemed. I’m not sure how this new anatomy felt natural though, I suppose being in a new body isn’t quite like it was in Equestria Girls after all. Then again this could only have been a dream, I must still be out of it then.
I heard a rustling in the bushes from behind me. I panicked and hid behind bushes further back. If anyone were to see me from the military, they would freak out and shoot me down. The figure came closer and I hoped it would be a friendly face.
“H-Hello” I heard in a soothingly soft voice call. I recognised it immediately, but it felt impossible. Surely I couldn’t be in Equestria, it couldn’t be.
I peered above the bushes and there she was, the young filly Fluttershy. I freaked out silently, going red. I stood up and tried to play it coolly. I called out her name. “You know my name?” ‘Erm, yes. Heard it from a friend, haha!’ I’m a little lost, can you help me?” “Lost? Oh my, come with me then” she exclaimed. We trotted slowly through the forest and she asked “So, how did you get all the way over here?”, referring to me deep in the forest, I suppose.
‘Well, it’s a long story’
Author's Note
Hey guys hope you like the first Chapter love you :) XDXDXD xxxxxxxxxxxx
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Steven trotted briskly alongside Applejack as they made their way out of the Everfree Forest. Applejack was suspicious about the strange new pony that seemed to appear out of nowhere in the Everfree. “So uh sugar cube, what were you doing in that there forest” she inquired with a cute southern drawl.
Steven couldn’t believe that he was in the presence of an actual member of the mane 6 and that he was an actual pony, a pegasus no less. It was like someone had made his dreams come true, maybe there really was a God?
Steven decided to answer Applejack as the silence was becoming most impolite. “Oh uh nothing, I was just uh” he paused to try and think of an excuse as to why any sane pony would traverse such a dangerous forest when he decided to deflect her question back at her. “Well what are you doing in it?” probably not making a high impression of himself but still affording some time to think.
Applejack, now being put on the defensive replied “Oh…uh look Ponyville” she pointed out as they moved from the forest onto a crude, dirt track. Applejack raised an eyebrow, clearly having noticed how evasive Steven had been but clearly not wanting to explain her own being in the Everfree when Steven had mysteriously appeared.
“Well anyhoo don’t know if you’re just passing through but can I take your name stranger?” she asked him, taking him off his guard as he stared at the town, mouth slightly agape. “Oh well it’s…” he paused as he realised that the name Steven might seem a little off in Equestria; so after some witty, quick thinking he decided to indulge his imagination. “My name is Siege Fire” Steven said with vigour as he sweat under the gaze of the element of honesty.
Applejack decided to cease questioning the strange pony for now, but still kept her suspicious ions high as they crossed the bridge and entered Ponyville.
Suddenly Steven felt a tremendous pain in his chest, he doubled over and gripped onto the side of the bridge. “Whoa there Sugar cube, are you alright?” Applejack asked. The pain was shocking and seemed to target his nerves, almost like some form of electricity. It subsided as quickly as it had arrived and he started to be able to think clearly again taking Applejack’s worried face with a smile. “I’m fine, thanks Applejack” he grunted, rubbing his chest fur.
As he stared at the ground he noticed something particularly queer however, and saw with much confusion, a small pebble bouncing completely of it’s own accord. “Earthquake? Surely not” he thought as the ground shook with tremendous force.
That was when out of nowhere, Steven was blindsided by a pink, slightly pudgy pony with a mane the texture of cotton candy and a coat that of a dark strawberry ice cream. He was assaulted knocked playfully to the ground with an “oof”, elicited from himself as Pinkie Pie, the party pony extraordinaire of Ponyville started to barrage him with an endless stream of questions that Steven could not possibly understand as Applejack looked onwards, biting her lip.
“Hiwhoareyouareyouknewofcoursesillyi’veneverseenyoubeforebutifi’veneverseenyoubeforethatmustmeanyouveneverbeentoPonyvillewhichmeansyoudon’tknowanyponywhichmeansyouhavenofriendswhichmeansyoumustbesupersadandmustcryathisficisinjestdearsirslotandyoumustbethinkingaboutgoingtoastrangeislandyeahgoingandlivingbyyourselfanddyingaloneandunloveandohtheHORROR!” Pinkie blurted almost incoherently as Applejack raced to pull the crazy mare off the frightened stallion.
“Gosh darn it Pinkie, we’ve told you not to greet new visitors like that, you scared the hay out of him” Applejack scolded. “Sorry AJ” she giggled as she bounced out of her grasp, “I just love meeting new friends!”
Steven stared from his position on the ground as the two ponies looked down at him. “It’s ok, Applejack. Pinkie was only meaning well It’s nice to meet you Pinkie” he said as Applejack hoisted him up with a powerful hoof and a roll of her eyes.
Pinkie was suddenly right up in Steven’s face as she demanded “HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!?” to which Steven gulped with his eyes flitting from side to side as he tried to think of an answer. “Well uh… Applejack just said your name so I just uh… yeah” he finished weakly, knowing that it was true but still very off as Pinkie let him go and stroked her muzzle thoughtfully.
“Hmmm you are… TOTALLY RIGHT! Silly me, oh well I guess that’s that then, you should come by Sugarcube Corner sometime and we’ll have a cupcake eating competition. SEE YA LATER!”
Applejack turned to Steven as Pinkie bounded off in her odd gait that probably kept her weight from ballooning to that of a whale. “So then sugar cube; now I’ve seen you to ponyville, I’ll be getting back to Sweet Apple acres, stick around for the Celebration tomorrow why don’t ya? Just don’t go causing any trouble” she warned and with a tip of her hat, the cowpony left her endearing physical physique making Steven blush.
“Barely an hour into Equestria and I already cannot help but dress down every mare” he thought, knowing that as a human his luck with the ladies had been… not of the standards he would have gunned for let’s say. It got better when he joined the army and he had many hook ups and such whilst on leave with friends but long term relationships had never been something that came into question.
Steven was left alone, in a strange, yet familiar town he would only have dreamed about living in. Ponyville was pretty much an accurate depiction as it was in the show, even down to the random background ponies and recolours. Lyra, Bon Bon, Dr Whooves, Derpy, Button Ma… well everypony could get the idea now.
“WAIT!!!” Steven thought, he turned back and stared at the grey mare he had counted among the others with the off kilter eyes. He rushed up to his second favourite pony, with excitement, Rainbow Dash obviously being his first because she was naturally totally awesome and radical and at least 20% cooler than every other pony in the show.
“Hi there “ he said nervously as Derpy stepped back in surprise and smiled with a kind smile. “Why hi there I’m Ditzy Doo, are you new to town?” she said and Steven stepped back as tears formed in his eyes… No it couldn’t be, this was Derpy so why the… He was lost for words, not believing the cards that fate had dealt him. “DAMN YOU HASBRO!” he screamed in his mind as he smiled politely and cursed Larson forever to damnation.
“I’m… I’m new to town yes and well.. sorry you just reminded me of somepony I know and… I need to go now, goodbye” Steven said sadly as he backed away with his shoulders slumped, trying not to look back. Derpy… I mean Ditzy looked away at him as he went, a little confused by the whole matter but totally innocent to the injustice that had been caused without her knowledge.
Derpy blinked after Steven departed and scratched her blonde mane with a free hoof. “I wonder if he knows my cousin Derpy?” she wondered to herself as she shrugged and flapped her wings, flying into the sky delightfully awkwardly.
Steven held the frown that had developed as he pondered his thoughts. He was confused as to why he was alive and not dead, he should have died in the forest when Harry and his goons had hung him so unfairly. He thought he would be more depressed by the fact that they had literally hung him until he was dead without any consciousness and that he would never see his family or friends again.
He did not mind, he was only confused. Was this all a dream? Maybe he was simply in a coma and had been cut down from the noose, maybe he was dead and this was his second chance of life, maybe this was heaven and the fates had interpreted his one true desire? Either way it was a lot to think about so he thought with distaste about his killers.
“I can’t believe that my supposed comrades… my brothers in arms would do such a thing to me” he grit his teeth as he decided on where he should go next. “I know what I should do, I should go to the library, I’m sure Twilight will know what to do and she’s like my 2nd favourite pony… now since this particular version of Equestria doesn’t have a Der…”, Steven stopped grinning as he began to head in the direction of the library, the frown returned.
“This is gonna be so totally awesome” he said out loud as all the other ponies gave him an awkward look. He was so embarrassed, he hid his face as he galloped toward the library in haste. There it stood in all of its glory, it evoked a feeling not unlike meeting a celebrity in public, although that might have sounded strange to ponies around town. He took a deep breath to prepare himself and smiled as he knocked at the wooden door. He waited patiently for a response, but there was no such luck.
“No one home” he sighed. “Maybe I can at least have a look around”.
He called out Twilight and Spike’s names as he went sheepishly inside. The library was completely as he’d imagined it, filled to the brim with every kind and colour of book under Celestia’s golden sun. There were big books, small books, medium sized books, magazines and even pamphlets!
Twilight and Spike were nowhere to bee found however, in fact the library had a pretty stale smell in it as if nopony had ever been living here. It only smelt of dusty old books and magazines that all libraries smelt of.
He looked around everywhere and couldn’t help but grin like a complete idiot. This was so totally awesome, everything was exactly as it was in the show, the only difference was that there was no Twilight and the purple thing that plodded next to her and always screwed everything up.
He went back outside and asked some questions to a few passing ponies, one of them being Bon Bon, whom when asked about Twilight said she had no recollection of such a pony ever existing in Ponyville.
He was a little confused by the lack of Twilight but after sitting down at a nearby park bench he began to wonder if he’d arrived before the first season and suddenly thought back to AJ’s words about a Celebration. That was probably why there was a lack of Twilight and her faithful dragon Spike the dragon dragon the most dragon dragon in all the dragons.
“No, Twilight home, guess I will have to wait” he said aloud as he pondered with a hoof to his muzzle and heard a strange flapping above. Surprised and mystified by the amazing beauty of the sight above him his jaw dropped when he looked up.
It was none other than Rainbow Dash his 2nd favourite pony but by far the sexiest pony alive by far. “Oh my Gosh, Oh My Gosh” he said in succession as she looked quizzically at him as if he were some kind of fruit-loop or something.
He stared at her with the intensity of a ravenous hawk eyeing a juicy meal, she was simply… simply amazing, breathtaking, astounding, what with her luscious rainbow mane that seemed to flow better than Niagara Falls on a Tuesday, no style to it just simply a messy casual cut that constituated 120% pure cool. Her soft, velvety cyan coat that simply enhanced her slender flank with her rainbow lightning bolt cutie mark that showed her curvy features that were supported by her beautiful soft wings, which flapped so strong yet softly in the air above him.
“Why are you staring at me?” Rainbow asked, her voice rasping in a tomboyish tone. Steven blinked as she landed in front of him and began looking him up and down, studying him as if he were some kind of enigma. “Ain’t seen you around here before, where are you from?” she asked as she poked his chest with a hoof.
Steven was so excited that he was before none other than the Dash, the coolest pony in the MLP verse and almost collapsed at the scene. “I-I uh… I’m Siege Fire” he stuttered out as he stepped back and shook his head to clear of some very, interesting thoughts he’d had been having.
“You’re Rainbow Dash, you’re… you’re the Weather Captain here in Ponyville and oh my gosh” he almost choked as her quizzical look turned to one of smugness and her ego came before her curiosity.
“Oh so you have heard of my famed flying huh? It’s okay, so many ponies have reacted far worse to me than you, so you moving to Ponyville, then? You some city pony looking to catch the Princess tomorrow? Ah never mind doesn’t matter, I’ll see you around I have some clouds to clear to the east.”
Rainbow Dash gave a jovial salute, something Steven returned with much elation as she lifted into the air and in a flash of Rainbow, she was gone, zooming away from Ponyville faster than anypony could see. Steven sat back down on the bench and tried to overcome the feeling in his chest, she was the most beautiful mare he’d ever seen… though he had only ever seen like 10 mares physically in person so maybe that was an overstatement.
Looking around, he realised that ponies were setting up stands and posters ready for the Summer Sun Celebration, which thanks to a handy nearby sign confirmed to him that it was tomorrow.
“Twilight must be coming to check on everything tomorrow! Oh My Gosh that means that Nightmare Moon is going to be there and the mane 6 are going to form and WOW” he thought as he wiped some sweat from his brow and giddily tried not to squee.
He could figure out my predicament tomorrow, for now he guessed that spending some time in Ponyville wold be ace and, since Twilight wasn’t using the library tonight he had somewhere to stay. He was sure that nobody would mind him stealing borrowing board for the night and smiled as he stood up.
He trotted away from the library, intent on exploring this new land and all it’s wonders.
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
The Calm Before the Storm
“Where should I visit first?” I wondered to myself gleefully as if I were a child in a ~~sweat~~ sweet shop, staring at everything with large eyes and childhood wonder that I had lost long ago.
There was still one of the mane six who I had not seen up to this point; well I hadn’t seen Dusk Shine, but I would have to wait a day for that. I knew it was time for me to cross the final pony off the list however, and so I decided to go visit a certain fashion pony.
I trotted around for a while and eventually found my way to a rather lovely boutique where I thereby knocked politely against the door and was greeted by Elusive of the mane six. He wasn’t as muscly as the other ponies in the mane 6, but was quite dashing, with the sleekest looking mane and best trimmed coat.
“Why hello darling, who might you be?” he asked me in a very posh accent. I didn’t expect him to know who I was or look upon me with any good grace, but he managed to remain polite regardless of my slightly dishevelled appearance (I had woken in a forest after all) . “I’m Scarlet Fire” I greeted with a small bow of my head and a light blush.
“Scarlet Fire? Pleased to make your acquaintance, I am Elusive. You must be a new pony around here, please come inside darling! I can fix you up with a lovely dress, I’ve been designing one just perfect for somepony of your size and colour.”
I was rather surprised but also flattered, flustered even. He beckoned me forwards, smiling at me rather dashingly. “No way is this happening” I thought to myself as he ushered me inside, taking my hoof in his as he brought me before a staging area of sorts, where many dresses, mannequins and other tools of the fashionista trade stood on shelves as standby.
“Now darling, I think that it would be best to have a little brush of that mane, don’t want hair flying all over the place as I suit you now, do we?” he chuckled with a twinkle in his eye as he levitated a brush over and set about attacking my rather messed up mane, which appeared even worse than I had originally guessed.
“Rainbow Blitz would have seen me with it earlier” I thought with my blush only deepening as I bashfully tried not to think about what his impressions towards me could have been. “Oh darling we all have those days, don’t worry now let’s take your measurements” he chuckled with a turn as he produced tape and began hopping from side to side, faster than I could keep track.
“Hmm I see” he muttered as he scrutinised me all over and I held a polite but overwhelmed look upon my face. “So are you just here for the Summer Sun Celebration or are you looking to maybe sell wares in Ponyville? I could really use a silk trader about now, the markets have all run out for the celebration… though to be fair, that was myself buying them to make the banners… still, it will be a few days before I get new stock” he asked, making polite conversation in a way only stallions could as I stood there and shook my head. “No I’m just… a little lost and well there are some questions I have and I don’t know… I think tomorrow is going to help me figure everything out.”
Elusive raised an eyebrow, but smiled as if he knew something about me. In truth, he probably knew more about me now than anypony I’d met as of yet as he complemented me. “You’re a very well-toned mare, do you work out? Oh never-mind let’s get you in this dress, I think you’ll find that the yellow will really go well with your coat. and your mane.”
Elusive was a charming stallion whilst I looked like nothing but a jumped up pantry mare who never knew her place, what with showing up to such a fine wares shop like this with a dishevelled mane and not a bit to my name.
My mouth opened and closed in shock as I coughed and explained “Oh dear… uh I’m sorry to say this Mr Elusive but I… well I have mis-led you in your belief that you think I have bits, I’m afraid I could never pay for any dress you try on me” my blush becoming one of deep embarrassment.
Elusive paused a minute and smiled as the dress was suddenly flung around me in a whirl of colours and patterns. “I wouldn’t be a true Tailor Fashionista if I simply sold dresses to ponies who came in here, I have so many ideas in mind for so many ponies and trying them out is the best part in any procedure, there… what do you think?” he smiled as he stepped back and utilised her magic to add the finishing touches.
I stepped away and turned to the triple mirrors behind me and with an audible gasp of shock and wonder I nearly fell flat on my rump as I stared at the gorgeous mare before me, set up in a precious silky dress that really showed off how toned she was, her mane moulding in with the entire design and simply looking ’fabulous’ was really the only words I could ever use to describe it.
Elusive must have noticed my look as he leant against a nearby table. “You look gorgeous darling!” he exclaimed. “I’m amazed, it’s like you’ve never worn a dress before?” The question hit me a little harsh and I couldn’t help but nod my head as a tear came to my eye.
Tears formed at the side of my eyes and I heard Elusive whisper “Oh darling” from right behind me, obviously having sensed some deep emotional stress within me, had come up to hug me from behind. “You know you can talk to me about anything, I don’t judge in here” he tapped toward his heart and I sniffed at his kindness.
In the show I had always found Elusive to be somewhat vain, not as much generous but right now he was doing a tipper job at proving me completely wrong as he held me gently. “Oh it’s nothing” I sniffed as I thought all about my recent arrival in Equestria. “I’m a little… confused about everything and well, this world is all so new to me and I don’t understand it all and well I’m a little hurt from what some friends did to me recently.”
Elusive put his head over my shoulder and blinked, questioning “Friends darling? From Ponyville? I must say this is a very small town, we’re all terribly nice here.” I shook my head and explained “No I was… I was walking around the nearby forest with friends from out of town… kind of on a trip and well… well they did something horrible that I thought nobody… I mean nopony could ever do to another.”
A tear slipped out and Elusive begun to open his mouth, closing it just as soon as he frowned with worry. “You know that if you ever feel like having a shoulder to cry on, or if you ever need a place to stay, then the doors of the Carousel Boutique will always be open to you. I hope you like the dress darling and please… cheer up for me hmm?” he asked, wiping the tears away as I in turn smiled at his generosity and without thinking, leant forwards and gave him a passionate kiss on the lips.
It lasted a few seconds and after he almost fell off the little stage as he cantered back, a mixture of shock and what I could only describe as pleasure on his face. His white cheeks turned a gorgeous scarlet red and his cool and charming demeanour became one of dishevelled nervousness.
“Oh my wow… uh you caught me off-guard with that one darling, I mean wow.” he panted and I frowned, looking down awkwardly as I believed I had upset him. He also picked up on this instantly and bumbled “What I mean is that was very enjoyable, you are a really excellent kisser and but uh you didn’t have to do that you know” he told me as his cheeks burnt hotter than a fire on a late winter’s eve.
I smiled at his stallion nervousness. Even in the world of ponies, men were all the same when it came to women, not even the ever so sly and well spoken Elusive could fight against the outward nature of a mare making advances.
It might have been the fact that I was crying a little on the inside, the thought and emotions of childhood making me think about how I would never see my parents again. It might have been from the anger towards Henrietta for what she had done to me, the joy and elation of being given the chance to live a life in Equestria or the fact that Elusive had been so kind and generous to me but at that moment I suggested “Would you like another?”
Trying poorly to be seductive, I had my eyes lowered to a half-lidded stare as Elusive, who had only just regained his composure had returned to stuttering once more.
“What!? You uh… wha?” he had initially replied but realised how unprofessional he seemed , so replied business-like, much to my amusement. “Well madam, if there is another one on the shelves then I would be a fool of a stallion to decline such a lovely mare.”
I grinned as I stepped down from the stage and replied “Don’t forget good kisser too there… darling” before I swaggered over to him and almost as if it were one of those cheesy romantic trash novels like Twilight, I literally fell into his hooves as our lips smashed together in another clash of passion.
We withdrew from each other for the briefest of moments with our eyes locked tight. I must say I had been the one to get us into this situation and now it was obvious that we both wanted more as we gazed lustfully and brought our muzzles back against one another. We had evolved from merely kissing, our tongues danced in one another’s mouths, fighting for dominance as our passions progressed beyond control.
It was strange, nopony had ever treated me like this before, never been so enamoured with my person and I likewise felt similarly about Elusive as he put a hoof behind my back for support, levitating over a nearby sofa which the both of us collapsed on.
I must say the dress had become quite dishevelled as we fought each other, his stallion musk permeating the air whilst my own essence added to it, something I noted I could not have detected if I were still a woman. “You are remarkable” he panted as I felt his hooves and magic tugging awkwardly at my dress, his body pressed against mine.
I rolled my tongue along my teeth as I almost squealed in anticipation, the dress nearly torn off of my body was discarded nearby as fashion became the last thing on Elusive’s mind and I felt something… prod my stomach.
He raised his eyebrow suggestively and we embraced, sealing the deal with another heated kiss.
Suddenly, without any context to the little dreamworld we had both been stuck in, the doors of the boutique were thrown open and a very outrageous Bubble Berry tore in, bouncing and shouting “Can you believe it’s ONLY A DAY AWAY! Oh I can’t wait I can’t… oh hey there what’s your name, new pony?”
Elusive practically flew off me, despite his lack of wings as he blushed to the hue of Bubble’s coat and yelled “Bubble Berry, what in the name of Solaris are you bucking doing!?!?!!” I myself cringing and curling into a small ball, my stomach to the chair and my tail between my legs. The shame on my face was so apparent, it was likely readable from space.
“Oh you know Elusive I just came for the streamers for the Celebration tomorrow, they’re going to be CRAZY GOOD LOOKING… Hey, why are you guys looking all hot and sweaty and why is your mane all out of whack Elusive and why are you standing with your legs so tightly pressed together? he asked in quick succession much to Elusive’s embarrassment and seething anger.
Using his magic, he levitated the box of streamers over to him, Bubble exclaiming “Ouch” and looking at Elusive with a mixture of surprise and irritation since they had slammed against him harder than Elusive had intended. He was ready to apologise, but his intrusion still left a poor taste in his mouth. “I was in the middle of something… very important, Berry. Now go, mind your own business for the next couple of hours and don’t come back here!” he yelled again as he slammed the door, still seething in a rage only a stallion could muster when he’d been cheated out of the most heavenly pleasure he could have been given on a silver platter… like a free eclair.
He waited until the sounds of Berry’s bouncing were gone, then coughed a few times as silence permeated the air and the tick of a wall clock sounded. He chuckled awkwardly as he trotted back over to me and commented “Ha Ha uh… where were we?” Sadly, I knew that the magical feeling was practically dead and so did he, even if he didn’t want to admit it.
“I should really uh… get going” I frowned, standing up with a weak smile and begun backing toward the door. His eyes widened and he began to say anything to stall me. “Uh no, no it’s ok! Berry is gone now, I can lock the door we won’t be disturbed again, we can even go upstairs if you like?” but it had turned to begging at this point and I couldn’t gear up to continue.
“You’re a really nice stallion Elusive… I’ll see you around sometime, thank you for fitting me with the dress and the kind words” I spoke softly, my own words weighing heavily upon the dying arousal in the air. With a twist of the door handle and a small, thin smile, I departured from what would have probably been a big mistake.
I could see a look of sheer anger and sorrow on his face as I left, but acceptance was in there too and he called “Maybe I’ll see you around town sometime darling? You’re always welcome to come back.”
I held the smile until I turned away, “Stallions are all the same.”
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
The Story Unwinds
Rainbow Dash's eyes opened slowly at first, gradually adjusting to the morning sun in all its beauty as a new day began. Rainbow hated mornings, wait in fact she loathed them. Late nights, late mornings, that was her code and last night had been a particularly late night… of working.
Rainbow had spent the past week creating a schedule for all her pegasus employees in the Ponyville Weather Team and boy this year had been difficult. Understaffed again as it was every year, there were just a lack of Pegasi in the Ponyville vicinity that had the weather keeping ability that came more natural to some Pegasi than others.”If only there was just a single pair of extra wings” she sighed in hope.
After mustering the strength, she arose from her soft, cloud, Wonderbolt themed bed; she trotted over to the mirror, inspecting her morning self with tired eyes. Her mane was messy and unkept, just the way she always had it and she could spot a small trail of dry saliva from the corner of her mouth from when she’d been drooling in her sleep.
She wiped her mouth with a fore-leg and shook her Rainbow mane, falling in its characteristic tomboyish style as she rubbed some sleep out of her eye with another hoof. “Looking good as always Dash” she complemented to herself with a turn, swaying her hips and having a look to make sure she was presentable for the day ahead.
She produced herself a modest breakfast constituting of a Daisy and fig sandvich and a mouthful of some sweet apple cider that she’d been rationing over the past year. She yawned and stepped out from her home, eyeing the cool blue skies of morning she had grown to move. She flapped her wings in preparation and took off as she would whilst racing.
She spent the majority of the morning clearing the skies, unaware of the turmoil of an out of place stallion below and sticking to her job for the time being. In all honesty, it was going to be a pretty normal day, aside from one incident.
“Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash!” cried a very distressed looking Flitter, a greyish blue pegasus with a light, minty mane. She sped towards Dash as if there were a couple of Timber Wolves hot on her tail.
Rainbow Dash put her current activities on hold and stared expectantly at her rookie team member, pondering what could be the problem this early in the day. “Don’t know how it happened Rainbow Dash” she panted as if she’d been flying at max speed the entire time. “A freak cluster of rain clouds have appeared over the Everfree forest, the weird thing being that they weren’t there yesterday and Cloudsdale scheduled nothing but clear skies for the Summer Sun Celebration. What should we do!?” she panicked, her voice raising in pitch up a few semitones per syllable.
Dash took a deep breath to steady her mind and with a calming and rather cool look, ordered “Okay don’t panic, take Thunderlane and Cloudchaser, get your protective gear and go and recon the cluster. DO NOT do anything without me unless it looks safe enough to discharge. If you think it’s more than you can handle, then send Thunderlane back to me and I’ll come take a look myself.”
Flitter saluted with a thankful smile and rushed off to go and tell her colleagues their new orders. Rainbow wiped her brow and contemplated her new position as Weather Captain to the area. She had only recently moved to Ponyville after being assigned and had very little knowledge of the place, besides the odd conversation with her new team and her attendance of the cider season held every year that she simply adored.
She decided to go and check on how the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration were progressing at Sweet Apple Acres, the local and biggest farm in the area. Rainbow had been invited, being a lead organiser of the Celebration to check up on some of the other preparations her fellow team leaders were making.
Not only that, but the owner Applejack knew that Rainbow was a very good customer, even if sometimes she missed out on the Cider due to arriving late in the lines of ponies who came from all over Equestria.
She sped over there in 10 seconds flat, screeching to a halt amidst the apple orchards, smiling as the fresh smell of fruit filled the air. Images of last years cider season which she always visited flooded her mind and her mouth watered, mind racing and overcome with giddiness, wondering what delicious treats Applejack was going to make for the Celebration.
It was quite an honour to be doing the catering for such a prestigious event, just to think, Princess Celestia herself would be in attendance and the Wonderbolts report directly to her, making the Princess 20% cooler than any other pony alive in existence… well besides Dash that was, of course.
“Oh hey there Rainbow Dash! Looking forward to the festival?” came a shout from the orange Earth pony mare Applejack, whom was trotting leisurely towards Rainbow, her favourite customer of all the Cider Seasons.
Rainbow Dash tried to act cool, but the excitement was clearly sketched on her face as she cantered along to Applejack, meeting her halfway. “I can’t wait to try the goods you’re going to have going Applejack! I love the intense taste of apple in my mouth from everything you make.”
Rainbow could see that the mare had been working very hard for the event, sweat etched on her temple, body rippled with muscles that were used to working the farm day in, day out.
Rainbow would be a liar to say that Applejack was not, by any stretch of the imagination, a very attractive looking mare. All the muscles simply enhanced her natural looks, her dusty blonde mane, hidden beneath her cowboy hat, her innocent looking freckles that exemplified her youth and finally her soft green eyes that spoke a tough talk but also possessed a kind almost motherly overtone.
“Aw you don’t have to flatter me sugar cube, awful nice of you to stop on by though; got the family coming up soon for the Celebration and tomorrow there’s some Royal Supervisor coming down from Canterlot to take a look at things, see how they’re running all smooth like” she explained, fluttering her eyes at Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash grinned as they exchanged small talk, the hot summer sun bearing down heavily on the two mares, the orchard heating up. “Wow, sure could go for some cold apple cider round bout now” Rainbow hinted and Applejack chuckled “Hah nice try sugar cube, but got none left; any I had is going to the Celebration.”
Rainbow Dash didn’t hide her disappointed face, but managed a smile nevertheless at the country pony and after a few more pleasantries, the two exchanged goodbyes. They both returned to the days tasks, though Dash had practically finished for the day.
“Guess it would be a swell time to catch some zzzzz’s” she thought to herself, giving herself a pat on the back for a job well done, despite having only worked the morning. “Benefits of being a Weather Captain” she thought initially, but changed her thought to “Probably the benefit of being me really” chuckling at her own brilliance.
With that she flew towards town, in search of a small cloud pocket from which she could catch a nap in the nice hot sun of summer. Naturally all the clouds being cleared made the task difficult and with a frustrated sigh she paused to take stock of her situation.
That was when she noticed a very interesting looking pegasus that she had never seen before directly below her. Ponyville was going to have many guests but generally the rush to the Celebration wouldn’t come until tomorrow, so she wondered why he was here early. Maybe to beat the crowds?
He looked a little lost anyway as he sat at a bench outside some giant tree near town centre, staring into space and obviously having a very deep think about something. Rainbow didn’t like thinking in the morning, especially on matters not relating to going back to bed.
Having nothing better to really do she decided it was worth saying hi and introducing herself, who knows? Maybe he was a top racer from the big city come to challenge her to a battle of the skies, to test her speed to the max or maybe even recruit her for a hit racing team that would travel around Equis.
She flew down from the skies above, hovering lightly above him for a few seconds, he taking some time to realise that she was above him but when he did she was struck by the intense expression his face morphed into as he stared at her as if she was some kind of Goddess.
Admitted Dash liked attention, she knew ponies admired her flying and her tricks but she was a little weirded out by this stallion’s stare… particularly when it ran for 10 seconds straight with neither of them saying anything, becoming officially awkward.
“Why are you staring at me?” Dash decided to query as her eyes darted to the side, the stallion becoming flustered and blubbering something about how awesome she was, she wasn’t sure but then she wasn’t really bothered with talking to the stallion and wondered if her team had finished clearing the Everfree yet.
“Oh so you have heard of my famed flying huh? It’s okay, so many ponies have reacted far worse to me than you, so you moving to Ponyville, then? You some city pony looking to catch the Princess tomorrow? Ah never mind doesn’t matter, I’ll see you around I have some clouds to clear to the east” she said as if she’s stolen it out of a chapter of a book. hint
Rainbow gave the stallion a casual salute and flew off, speeding into the air and not thinking another thought about the new guy to town, although subconsciously she might have thought him a little cute but that was only for her subconscious to know and for Dash to find out.
Dash sighed as she sped towards the Everfree, wondering if her team really had dispelled the mysterious clouds or if at this moment Thunderlane was roaming around town, looking for her help.
Dash passed over the Everfree forest, not a cloud in sight as well as no sign of her team. “Guess they must have done their jobs well” she thought, admired by the speed in which they had dispelled the supposed mass of rain clouds.
“Must be my expert co-ordination tactics” she chuckled as she decided that she should really see to finding that nice fluffy cloud from which to take that well earned nap on.
Dash was unable to see however the bright shining light, emanating from the centre of the Everfree forest that disappeared after a few seconds. Had Rainbow seen it she might have investigated and in her investigations she might have come upon something, something very remarkable and astounding and absolutely, unbelievably, totally, surprisingly, stupefyingly, outrageously, stupendously, insanely incomprehensible to the mind of a pony.
Dash yawned as she found a cloud finally hanging around over a small pond and nestled into the cloud snuggly, contemplating a few things over before she finally grasped the world of dreams, sleeping peacefully, unaware of what the future would hold for and the mysterious new stallion she had just met….
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
“Are you sure you want this, Pinkie? I mean, after this I can’t go back, you can’t hold me back,” I warned. Sweat dripped down my face, soaking my fur and fluffing my mane. Pinkie looked at me, her eyes dancing with a mixture of delight and apprehension as she stared before her.
“Finish me Siege…” she practically begged me, her tongue hanging out; her body tense and quaking as she shuddered and whined, head buried into a leg. “Alright then… here it goes.”
I pulled back and pulled the one thing that could end it all right here, right now. “I PLAY MY POLYMERIZATION CARD AND FUSE MY FLUFFLE PUFF WITH GIGGLY PUFF TO CREATE THE ULTIMATE PINK EYES, POMF DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Pinkie fell back with a scream, exploding with delight. Finally, she was relieved of the misery she had to sit through for the past hour.
I had truly thrashed her raw, she had paid me back in full. I had won a total of 4 games out of 4 and now all she could do was lick her wounds and run on home with her tail between her legs, minus of course the bag of happy dust that I had won off her.
“You truly are the King of Games, you are the ultimate trainer and I am honoured to have been severely plowed by your stupendous cardsmanship,” she said, making slightly no sense but then again, this is Pinkie Pie and also the 6th Chapter so what were you gonna expect?
“Quit talking to them and give me a hug, ya big galoot. I honestly can’t thank you enough for all that you have done for me with the Mayor and all that.” She grinned, wrapping two hooves around me and pressing her cheek to my cheek, squeezing me ferociously in a warm embrace that crushed my lungs and made me gasp for breath.
“Pinkie… you… are… killing… me,” I tried to say, but it came out as a kind of gurgle and taking note that my face had become as purple as Twilight’s plot, she released me and apologised. “Woopsie, guess the stuff I learned in Germaneigh during the war kind of left a lasting impression. Anyhoof, see ya later!,” she grinned and like a flash she was gone, breaking the front window and galloping off into the early morning.
One crazy mare…
‘Well, I guess the only thing to do now that I’m all alone is to-‘
“Actually, what was I supposed to do?”
’SHIT’ I exclaimed in my brain, today was the day of Twilight’s coronation… Also, I think I left the stove on in the human world, then again I guess I always hated my neighbours anyway.
*Flashback*
I was never accepted in my neighbourhood, ever since I tried to convert all my neighbours to ponyism on the fateful day of January 16th 2050. They, of course, called me a nut, a faggot and all the other hateful words that I had lived with for my entire life because of my religion.
There was the old lady upstairs. When I had offered her a stroke of my Twilight Plushie, she had looked at me, disgust evident on her face. She called me a sick freak of nature, akin to a pedophile that preyed on little kiddies at halloween and spent his time flashing Mom’s in the park behind the bushes whilst they took strolls with their children.
I had moved on, optimistic to find some young blood that maybe would understand my love of ponies. I mean young as in my age, not like… Young young… Anyway, so I found next door to me was a pro gamer, his name of course being XxXnotdonaldtrump420m8XxX and thought maybe he would be more inclined to gander upon my many pony wares.
He opened the door, his fat chin jiggling in the moonlight and he snorted in contempt; he called me an illegal immigrant, a blight on society, un-American and unchristian. He then activated his firewall, so that I couldn’t steal his internet connection anymore.
I knocked on another door and a gruff man with a stubbly beard opened it wearing a nice brown Sunday suit with a tipper fez on head, tilted just to the right degree to give the feeling that he… wanted me. Anyway, he took one look at my garb, my Derpy Toga, my Rainbow Dash bracelet, my AJ Stetson and my Sanic Slippers Gotta go fast. and his smile dropped… like the Tsar Bomba.
“You… you ain’t the hooker I ordered, are you?” he asked, in a kind of pleading tone that I wasn’t sure if I should feel relieved about or insulted. I mean, what was wrong with my body? Sure I had acne, sure I was a bit hairy, sure my boobs were bigger than Kim K’s… still… my Plushie collection was to dieeeeee for.
He shut the door in my face and I breathed a sigh of relief… or it could of been the doorknob hitting me in the ribs that seriously winded me and sent me sprawling for a good 20 minutes in chest pain as I contemplated yelling “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
Whether this was probable cause for murder, I’ve never known to this day… Anyway, I moved down the hallway looking for some more cameos and wacky characters to pop up. Naturally, everypony turned me down and I began to lose heart at a rapid pace, mostly because I had a pacemaker.
I tried once more, hoping, praying to Celestia that there was somepony, anypony out there that would be interested in magical talking horses. Was it too much to ask? Enope.
The door opened, the last door on the 10th floor. I gazed upon the posters on the inside. My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t breathe, I didn’t think, I didn’t speak. Little Pet Shop posters were everywhere. All the action figures, all the plushies, all the Zoe.
I gazed into the well dressed mans eyes, the golden locks that came down to his ears, the baby blue eyes, the black fedora that donned his head. He was simply divine. “Do you like My Little Pony?”, I asked, in awe as I knew the answer could only be one thing. “What? The faggot show for little girls? Fuck no, LPS is the biz.”
I slammed the door in his face and stormed back to my room, thoughts of death on my mind as I cried in a corner for days and days with a bun baking in the oven.
*END OF FLASHBACK*
I decided, despite it being four in the morning, that I should spend a good five hours in a getting ready montage to the theme of ‘What a Feeling.’ Anyway, coming away from the wackiness that my life had descended into, I arrived at the base of Twilight’s Castle.
It was stupendous, it was fantastic, fabulous, marvellous, majestic, shiny and all the other descriptive words I could think of, which didn’t extend beyond the six I had just used, cursing myself for forgetting my Oxford Thesaurus 3rd Equestrian Edition at home.
I walked up to the door and knocked, surprised by the lack of ponies around, I mean it was early, but still. Spike opened it to my surprise, the doorbell going ‘ding ding ding a ling, ding ding ding, ding ding ding a ling ding a ling ding… ding.’
“Yes?” he asked quizzically, puzzled by my appearance it would seem.
“I’m here for the ceremony? You know? Twilight Sparkle’s coronation to Princesshood?
Spike looked at me like I was a mad pony, but that was yesterday and today was a new, coke free day. For me at least, not for Pinkie since I was pretty sure she needed that to live, but away from this tangent for now.
“Who? Sorry mister, you must have the wrong castle, there’s nopony named Twilight around here. I mean there was Starlight’s coronation yesterday, but as I said, that was yesterday and she doesn’t really want to be disturbed. Said something about rearranging her library and move her stuff in today. Also, her friends are coming round later so I’m afraid we can’t be disturbed.”
My mouth dropped and I stepped back in disbelief, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was Spike joking? He wasn’t generally funny and his attempt to be funny this time fell flat, I mean how did he even know about Starlight?
It was a strange turn of events, it felt like a greater force was at work here, some higher power that I could neither understand nor reason with. “Have you… known her for a long time, Spike?”, I asked, wondering if I was going mad or if I was actually seeing the truth for the first time.
Spike looked up at me with a perturbed look upon his face, his claws drumming on the fine castle door that he slowly began to close answering. “Look mister, I don’t mean to be rude but I gotta lot of stuff to do and frankly your questions are creeping me out sooo, ciao.”
He shut the door in my face and rain clouds as if on cue, appeared above me. The rain began to pitter patter on the ground next to me, hitting my head at irregular intervals.
“Well then… I guess I’ll just go home and be alone… on my own.” It was almost as if a typically sad song should be playing in the background as I strode home. Almost to answer my prayers, smooth jazz was deployed and I tipped my Fedora, the rain soaking into it along with my three piece suit.
I pulled into a nearby bar and hung my hat on the nearest stand. Many ponies were present, drinking beer, wine and a few were hitting the hard stuff. I stepped to the bar and took a stool, a Sombra look on my face as I flicked my mane out of my eyes.
The barkeep, a rather portly looking gentlecolt, sized me up. “What’s yer poison?”, he asked in a gruff tone that emanated cancer. I looked up at him, lighting up a nice juicy cigar and spluttering “Double your best House M.D Whisky.”
He pulled a rather chunky looking bottle from under the bar and scowled at me. “Gotta warn yer’, this stuff kicks like a mule.” I looked at him, anger seething under my eyes. I looked up at him and ordered “I don’t care if it makes me forget my own mutha! I just need ta forget tonight, in fact leave the bottle!”
He slammed the bottle down and shrugged. “Your funeral,” he grumbled, trotting off to serve a pony who apparently hadn’t had enough. I took a long gulp of the brown liquid gold, fire burning in my belly, my throat charred from the burn and my mouth appreciative of the smokey aftertaste.
Then it kicked in, my world began to spin as she walked in. My first concern was she wasn’t wearing any clothes… Then again, neither was I. She pulled up next to me, lighting a cigarette with a sigh.
She was gorgeous, dressed in her satin scarlet dress, her white coat shining with a softness that seemed to go on for infinite and beyond. Her red mane was the texture of silk, which sparkled like the mane, every strand in perfect place. But damn though… her eyes.
Her eyes were the best. They were like pools of gold that sat underneath a red curtain, waiting to be shown, like a piece of exquisite art. She sat down and looked at me and I took another swig. “Easy there cowboy, save some for the rest of us, won’t ya?”
I looked up at her, she gestured for the bottle and I handed it over. “I’ll warn ya, might be a bit too much for a young mare like yourself to handle.”
She took three gulps in quick succession and smiled up at me, lipstick staining the bottle as she handed it back and I raised an eyebrow. “I ain’t no ordinary lady,” she smirked and alarm bells went off in my mind.
I took the bottle to go, donning my hat and trotting out of the bar, checking my pocket watch to see it was only 12pm. I took another swig of my bottle of happy juice and found a comfortable knoll of grass to lie down on.
I thought about how I’d been confused about something earlier, but I took another swig, trying to wash every memory of Spike, the worst best character in the show out of my head. “Buck, I love this,” I exclaimed aloud as I sang to the Moon above, even though there was no moon and the sun was up.
I pressed my shades up my nose and puffed on my cigar as my world began to spin.
Author's Note
We're back bitches.
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
My dreams were strange. Plagued by the sound of marching and the sound of a lady’s voice that barked some unintelligible commands out through a P.A.
I tossed and turned as sweat began to pour down my face and I wondered if there was a reason that my palms felt so sweaty. ‘Aren’t they hooves?’ I wondered to myself. After all, I was a pony now, right?
‘Remember’ a voice from the darkness hissed and I began to shake in abject fear, as if something was coming for me. ‘Remember what you are’ the voice whispered again and I began to shake violently in the darkness that seemed to surround me, with a cry I woke up.
I laid back motionless as I remembered the alcohol from last night and remembered that I was in Equestria. More than that though, I remembered it all. Everything they had wanted me to forget since I was a child, it came back to me.
The Doctors and the Scientists had taken special interest in me when my tests had shown my remarkable sight, strength and mental abilities. When I was 5, they took me deep underground and strapped me to a hospital bed for months as they fed my mind with monitors and pumped me full of drugs.
Then the training began. From 5 until 15, they taught me everything. How to defuse bombs, kill people using any method and pretty much handle any situation that I could ever come across. They fed me their ‘special’ cocktail of muscle and reflex enhancing drugs as I morphed into the ultimate Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger machine.
I was conditioned to forget it all until activated, conditioned to think of myself as an outcast from society, to love the show MLP and all its characters religiously and to think of nothing and remain lonely, to await instruction.
Joining the military must have been some small part of my brain seeping through and trying to tell me who I really was.
I was an asset of the United States Government and with a piercing cry I screamed in rage at the universe and the cruelty it had inflicted on me.
Forcing me to like the entirety of MLP was criminal. Clearly only seasons 1 and 2 were capable of being watched without vomiting at the sight of Alicorn Twilight and the fucking thing they called Spike. Saviour of the Crystal Empire TWICE!
Rage filled my vision as I got up and went over to my mirror, sweating and shaking violently as I stared at myself. To my innate surprise, the figure inside began to move and I heard a voice akin to mine.
“So what the fuck are you going to do about it huh? You gonna be a pussy, the way they programmed you to be or are you going to fucking deal with it?!”
He was right. All my real life, I had been trained to adapt and destroy anything I was faced with. Now that I was faced with this I would resort to my true self, to my training.
“I am going to kill them,” I promised myself. “I am going to kill them all.”
I pushed myself away from the mirror and smiled, wiping my forehead and heading calmly to the front door.
I exited my house, not bothering to lock up or anything, it wasn’t like I’d be returning anyway. Sleep was for weak minded fools, I didn’t need sleep, nopony did if they had the mental capacity to stop themselves from feeling tired.
After a few minutes of calm trotting, I arrived at my targets home, the grand castle painting itself beautifully in the moonlight and I grinned from ear to ear. I went around the side and found a good crystal jutting out that I could stand on and began to climb to the nearest balcony.
As a human, I had conquered Everest 14 times. Once, I had done so in the dead of Winter, so this wasn’t anything special. I slid gracefully onto the balcony floor and checked that the door wasn’t locked. Luck was with me as I snuck my way inside the top floor of the quaint castle and headed for where my instinct told me my target would be.
I peeked through a door handle and spied him, the little cunt of a dragon was actually checking himself out in the mirror. It was as if that was the only thing that he did when Twilight wasn’t bitching at his ass.
I knocked on the door and like a complete pleb he came to it.
“Who is it?” Spike asked.
I cleared my throat and with a suppressed chuckle I replied “SPIKE, it’s me” sounding identical to Twilight.
He opened it without a second thought and I pounced, leaping into the air and bringing my hoof down heavily on his little dragon face.
Now he might have had scales and shit to protect him, but he was still a baby and my hooves were ten times stronger than any normal ponies, if I still had the power I’d had as a human.
He fell back and his head literally exploded, his jaw flying into my chest and spattering it with blood and teeth as I grinned in triumph. The little shits brain flew across the room and into the mirror he’d been checking himself out in as bits of skull and plasma smooshed under my hoof, an eye leaking out of his mangled face and into the pool of blood staining the floor.
“You’re lucky you had it so quick, I won’t let everypony else off so easy,” I laughed as I coiled up his lifeless body and slung it over my back like a little knapsack, blood dripping down my coat. “Make a nice pair of boots out of your skin,” I commented as I shut the door and left for the kitchen.
I sat back in a chair and deposited Spike onto a chopping board as I begun to hum to myself. I worked in the dark, my keen vision making it seem like it was practically day as I got the sharpest knife I could find and with a contented sigh I began to carefully skin the little prick.
It was slow going due to his scales, but I knew it would prepare me to do a better job later on. Besides, I was only waiting for the mane event.
The light flicked on and I looked up. Twilight was standing before me, mouth agape as she stared at her friend, her dear Spike who she’d raised since hatching. He was the one true and loyal friend she’d always been able to count on.
“Siege Fire, is that you?” Twilight screamed with a shiver.
“Not Siege Fire, Steven,” I cackled. “Well, Twilight darling, pleased to see you’d come down eventually. Yes, me and Spike here got into a little discussion. You see, he thinks that you’ll take 6 seconds to subdue but I reckon about 3. What are your thoughts?”
An anguished cry tore from her lips and in a second, a brilliant beam of energy tore through the air where my face had been. I pulled a rolling pin from the counter and with a flip I brought it down against Twilight’s head in what was 3.46 seconds.
Twilight crashed to the kitchen floor out cold with a huge dent in her head that began to bruise purple and bleed profusely, slicking her mane with blood.
“See Spike, I told you that it would be 3 seconds,” I chuckled to Siege Fire and threw the rolling pin away.
I gave up on my Spike Armani boots and dragged Twilight into her throne room by her hair. I placed her atop the large round table and chuckled as her tongue lolled out her mouth. I considered cutting it off, but there was no fun if there were no screams.
So I proceeded to go find some rope in a nearby storage closet. Tying Twilight’s limbs to the chairs of her friends and bringing some other eveyday tools one would find in any hardware store with me, I set them all down and handled the hacksaw.
As much as I would have preferred for her to be awake, I couldn’t risk her teleporting away, so I harshly grabbed her horn and set to work. I whistled as I sawed through the bone before finally getting to the good stuff, the core. I grit my teeth and sawed viciously with renewed vigour, Twilight mumbling as the pain went through her unconscious brain.
I held up the horn in the light and admired it, Twilight being left with a stump and major swelling. “Whores will have their trinkets,” I mumbled, putting it to the side for my collection I had recently planned to start.
Now I just had to wait for this Alicorn bitch to wake up. I made good time on my Spike booties whilst she snoozed, bringing my work though so I could be there when she woke up.
“You might not believe your eyes, if ten billion firefries” I sang as I began to cut nice bits out of Spike’s skin and Twilight stirred.
I put him down and leapt onto the table, towering over her as I stared into her face, intent on seeing her reaction when she woke up. Soon, her face scrunched up and it was clear she was about to wake. Her face instantly flashed in confusion, probably a mix of pain and seeing my face pressed against hers. She screamed, followed by gratuitous tears. This was made even better when she noticed Spike’s disfigured vessel, realising I had murdered him.
“HAHAHA” I laughed aloud and danced around the table as she cried Bloody Mary.
“WHY!” she pleaded. I put a hoof to her mouth and whispered, “Magicians never reveal their secrets.” She continued to whimper and beg. “Please, l-let me g-go. Why can’t I f-f-feel m-my magic?”
I held up her horn and the floodgates had truly opened, her soul being decimated further. “Why?,” she asked again, myself ignoring her as I picked up the saw.
“These wings have to go,” I hummed as I yanked one of Twilight’s wings out. I must say, they were beautiful and elegant. Large and feathery, they were soft, akin to that of a majestic angels. Shame they were on her.
I brought my saw down on the fragile bone and began my handiwork. She squealed as I worked, but it wasn’t long to saw through the membrane and disconnect it from her feeble body.
“Now you’re just a boring mud pony, like that hick friend of yours,” I sneered as I set my sights on her other wing.
“I’ll do anything, please just stop!” she shrieked. Her screams of torture fuelled me as the saws teeth cut through her other wing, detaching it and making me grin from ear to ear at the sight of her.
She looked like she was ready to pass out and her voice had gone hoarse from screaming so hard. I nudged her awake and asked, “Why the long face?,” hearing the sound of a drum kit in my brain from the corny ass joke.
Her head slumped unconsciously into the table and I sighed in annoyance and decided my time to rant would be now.
“You could easily have stopped this you know. Had you just fucking not had to sell more fucking toys! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!”
I straightened my Fedora and coughed in distaste as blood began to drip onto the floor. She might have bled out, might not have had I left her there but I needed to move fast now, dawn would be upon us in a few hours and there was much to do.
I went to her laboratory and grabbed two saddle bags, putting some chemicals and tools inside it before heading back to Twilight. I put my bits of Spike Leather in a bag and then the tools I’d used on Twilight before I patted her barrel and explained “Well this was lovely but I have 5 more visits to pay others today and when they discover you, it will only get harder.”
She said nothing, looking weak from the blood loss so I helped her on her way. Pulling a scalpel out I slit a deep groove from her chest to her belly and watched her organs pop out and more blood poured onto the table, her fur and mane now saturated with her life fluid.
I hummed as I left the castle and headed for my next target. A pony who thought she was a beacon of truth and honest work, when all she was of course was a dumb, racist country hick.
I trotted over a few hills out of town and into the grounds of the Apple Family Farm, headed towards what I assumed was the storage barn.
I found a shovel in the back and levitated it over with my magic, setting off into the orchards to find the perfect spot. I was, of course, after the strongest looking tree. A tree that looked like it was tougher than all the others and bore more fruit than all the other trees around it.
Once I’d found the perfect spot, I sighed and set to work. This wasn’t going to be easy, but perfection could not be rushed. Just like the end of season 3, I suppose. Alas, I wasn’t here to bitch and whine about how the show had descended into the bowels of utter garbage.
I worked for hours as the sun finally began to rise. My strength and speed were bonuses in the entire affair and with my mind set on the task. I never took a break. I was akin to a machine, sweat poured off of me as I widened that whole and then went deeper, levitating soil out of the hole as I worked.
First it passed 2ft, then 6ft, 10ft and finally I settled for it done at a good 15ft. Looking up, I saw it was truly morning and the faint sounds of apples being bucked rang in my ears.
I wasn’t sure if Twilight’s body would be found in an hour or in a day, but for now, I felt good as I lifted myself out of the hole I’d dug with my magic, the only way one could without tenaciously climbing out.
I threw the shovel down and set about heading towards the sounds, leaving my bags besides the hole. Twilight had a lot of potions and chemicals and when I saw the paralysing Manticore venom, I already knew what to do.
The Apple family lived to do everything together, they were chipper and cute like that so I would make sure they died together as well.
The sound appeared to be coming from the big gay beast Macintosh, his powerful back legs practically knocking the poor tree senseless each time before apples fell out, mostly into the carefully placed buckets that were lying underneath.
I pulled a syringe with my magic and sunk it into the bottle, pulling enough out to knock out… Well, a horse and sidled up to him quietly. “Hey Mac!”
I laughed, watching his head turn as I stuck the needle into his neck, watching his body go tense, then limp, falling over. His eyes were the only thing that remained moving, darting from side to side as he wondered what was happening.
“One,” I counted, dragging him by the hoof to my hole. it must have taken a good half hour with all his weight. “Now, your sister and daughter” I chuckled and headed for the barn, leaving him to ponder his predicament by the hole.
I entered the family home, a cute barn that had been converted and took a gander around the kitchen. There was something baking in the oven, pie probably, and I didn’t need to guess what kind it was.
I headed into the living room and smiled as I saw the peaceful and elderly granny, rocking in her chair and snoring lightly. I pulled out my hammer and brought it careening into her face, listening to the lovely crack it made as her skull caved in with the blunt force of my hammer.
“I always had a soft spot for the elderly,” I chuckled as I strode up the stairs, leaving my hammer in Granny’s face as the chair kept rocking away. Applebloom was probably still asleep, so I filled a small dose of the venom into the syringe and stalked forwards to what I assumed was her room. There was her sleeping form on the bed, snoozing peacefully and probably dreaming of Michael Jackson and other cute shit.
I stuck her in the neck and she remained asleep, nothing at this point was going to wake her up. I slung her over my back and skipped downstairs, dropping her roughly onto the floor next to her late Granny, blood and brains still oozing down her body.
“Wait right here babe, I gotta go get your sister.” I chuckled and turned to head back up the stairs when, to my great surprise, a certain orange pony came barreling down and knocked me onto my back, she herself spiralling over me and into a coat hanger.
“What the buck have you done you crazy asshole!”, she screamed, tears in her eyes as she looked from me to Granny.
“Come on AJ, don’t be like that” I tutted and dropped my bags. “She was old and going to die soon anyway, I helped her along her way. You, however, are going to die young and dumb. Just like your mute brother and your incestuous daughter,” I smiled and circled her, ready to put this bitch down.
“How do you know Applebloom…” she trailed off and snarled, screaming “I’ll kill you,” before lunging at me.
I sidestepped and grabbed one of her back hooves as she flew over me, yanking it along with the force of her lunge going in the opposite direction and hearing the sickening crack as her leg dislocated.
AJ howled in pain and collapsed to the ground, red in the face and probably fearing what I’d do next. She tried to lash out but now she wasn’t going anywhere. The fight had been won, with me as victor unsurprisingly.
“I’ll kill you” she spat like a broken record, but I tutted again as I pulled my hammer out of Granny’s skull, hearing the bone grind against the metal material the hammer was comprised of. It soothed me, echoing the mechanical cogs that worked as one to produce the spree I was undertaking. Had I, Steven always been that way? Of course, I was one of a kind. How could Twilight mistake me for ‘Siege Fire?’ There is only Steven.
“You know, I must admit you don’t annoy me as much as the pink bitch, but I still hate you AJ. Such potential you had, could have been a scholar or something in Manehatten but nah, you decided to waste it all and work on a farm. You stereotypical cunt.”
I brought the hammer down on her fore-hoof and watched her simply grunt, teeth grit as she tried not to break her voice. “You know what’s coming,” I smirked as I brought the hammer down one last time and completed my little sick masterpiece.
“Well, you’ll never buck apples again, but then again, you’ll be dead by the time I’m done,” I laughed to no particular party. Her eyes widened as I pulled some rope I found and lassoed her back legs, carrying Applebloom over my back and with a hum, set off for my hole.
“Don’t make too much noise now, or I think Applebloom might have to start the party without you,” I warned as we exited the barn. AJ whimpered and cried out as her legs were contorted and yanked on.
I hummed in contentment as I dragged AJ a few hundred metres from the farmhouse and into the orchards, depositing her twisting form next to the hole as I went along and threw Applebloom in.
“NO!” she cried. I shrugged, uncaring.
“Maybe she’ll be ok, maybe she won’t.” I did not hear a distinct snapping of the neck, so I guess she’d probably just broken a limb or two.
I crossed over to Big Mac, who’d been staring at me, as if he were attempting to evoke laser beams from his eyes.
“In you go” I chuckled, kicking him into the hole and watching as he landed atop his daughter, his hooves bending painfully, how gracious of me to give him anaesthetic. He’s just lucky I was such a saint.
“Now you, I hope you have fun down there.” I patted AJ’s head and placed her stetson on my head, wiping the brim as I kicked her into the hole and watched her scream as she landed on her broken limbs, the screams becoming further distant and duller.
I stood over the hole and look at my handiwork. Sure there was no Granny in there, but she was just old filler when they needed to extend a season.
“Please,” I heard Applejack beg suddenly, her voice quavering from all the pain she had just endured, some of her leg bone pushing through one of her limbs. “Please a’ beg ya'll,” she pleaded further. I huffed and rubbed beneath my eyes as I sensed a monologue coming.
“Kill me, just me please! Save ma’ brother, ma’ sis… ma’ daughter, at least save her! I implores you,” she finished and I rolled my eyes and picked up the shovel, not bothering to conceal my throbbing erection.
“Please!” she said again as I shovelled the first load of soil onto big Mac’s coat. He grunted weakly, it seemed the formula was wearing off, just in time for him to live through these next moments.
“You and your whole family are trash, AJ. You’re not even a Zebra, you’re below that in my book,” I smirked and wondered if I should pay Zecora a visit. AJ began to cry again as my magic helped to lift the dirt into the hole.
It wasn’t long now. AJ had the bonus of having the strength to move around. She coughed. spluttered and shimmied around, trying desperately to escape. Mac and Bloom were already dead at this point, having been 10 minutes since I began to seal them in. The silence was rather beautiful to be honest, I hadn’t known it since Ponyville. Pinkie Pie took that away from me, which was why her time was coming.
Over time, I noticed her attitude change. As hope of escape grew ever slimmer, she begun to accept her own fate. The great work mare, destroyed and buried alive with her family. It was kind of a tale worthy of some book, or just some sick internet story, either or.
I watched as dirt covered her face and her fur and with one last sigh of pleasure, I counted the minutes until I could pretty much confirm AJ had breathed her last, dead beneath the soils of her family home.
’At least your bodies will keep this tree alive. In fact, you’ll probably make it grow nice and strong, ’ I smiled as I moved faster, intent to be done with these murders. ‘I sure do hate the in between work of killing.’
It took another hour to fill back what had taken 4 hours to dig, but it was all worth it and as I patted in the last of the soil I sighed and collapsed onto the earth, running it through with my hooves and licking my lips.
“Time to go get some help,” I chuckled aloud and sat up, putting my equipment back in my bags and trotting forwards, towards a certain yellow Pegasus’s house.
Author's Note
Metal.
View Online
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter 7.3: Judgement Day or The Pandemic Anomaly Requiem Revelation Dream in 2D
The bedroom was very steamy from last night’s hot, spicy curry. Chicken Tika Masala honestly is the best food in Equestria and anybody who disagrees is gonna get beatin’s. As I shook off the disturbing dream I brushed the mane out of Bright Mac’s eyes, and tightened my grip on Pear Butter’s soft, supple buttery Rumpelstiltskin.
Bright Mac’s mane was a delicious red, his eyes a supple green and his coat a Chinese yellow that sang sweet and sour songs of my Cantonese upbringing. Pear on the otherhoof was a ginger.
I loved them both so much, ever since I arrived in Equestria 8 years ago, I had searched long and extra hard for a purpose in life. To discover why I was here? What the Gods, if there were any, wanted from my humble Chinese vessel? Why would they would takeaway me from my home in Yorkshire China?
Before all this, before I’d been transported, I was a proud soldier of the Golden Dragon clan. When our head chef was hit over the head, by an extra hard and stale spring roll, I had vowed to avenge him and the Golden Dragon Restaurant, from the nasty ethnic curry makers across the street.
Little did I know then.
I bucking love curry…
Still, Brighty and Peary were not like that. They respected each others clans and they didn’t let food items get in the way of their love… like I had…
*Flashback*
It’s over Anaconda… I have the high ground… The memories… they still came to me as clear as day.
It was Saigon, 1969, Vietyam… I was part of a Top-Secret Government Force called… ‘The Spring Rolls. We were hard to create, filled with knowledge and flavour that no other soldier could hope to possess.
Back then, curry was the least of our problems… It was the atheists. They hated God, they hated Chinese food… So we needed to show them the way.
My platoon was tasked with shutting them down.
Major Gordon Ramsay led the team. He was an angry, Scottish and overwhelmingly sexual patriot to America. I grew up… watching, waiting, commiserating over his instructional televised introduction to warfare. When he took on countless clans… it didn’t matter who. Uchiha clan were his biggest total wipeout and he bore the medal of Lenin with pride.
I remember her face, supple hair, loving eyes and beautiful raven black hair. God, I loved that dog. Kung Pow was her name, a lab from a city called Experiment on the fringes of the sane world… I fed her countless treats that I handpicked from my stock of tasty, succulent, caramel chicken balls Baked by my Father and his Father and his Father before that.
How I miss her… and Daddy…
9 Days in the jungle… we were running low on fried rice… we had a succulent, dry chicken but no seasoning… we were forced to put her down… my love… my life… to sustain ourselves… She was a delicious curry, flavoursome and yet… I still ended up spending 8 hours on latrine duty.
She made a hole inside me… I’d like to say heart-shaped, but she literally bit me… and not in a sexual way, that would be wrong, kids o_o.
I swore I would never eat another curry that day, no matter how tasty it was… also that I would never fall in love with anything that crawled on four legs again.
*Fin of Flashback*
I blinked and looked over the snoozing ponies whom I’d married 4 years ago, 3 times. The first had been Pear, her wonderful ‘personality’ and screen time had drawn me to her like a fly is drawn to a trap.
But Admiral Ackbar couldn’t save me this time. However, I cheated on her… for another… younger mare… okay a stallion, but still a fine piece of ass.
In the land Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, I forged in secret a Master relationship, with me as the Master, and this time I didn’t have to play some crappy dating sim, or read a book or something. It was hot, it was passionate, and it was extremely gay.
But it just made sense, in a way that I’ve never been able to make sense of.
Pear was broken OF COURSE and the divorce was messy. She got the house and I got her heart… I never forgave myself and when I married Bright; officially in Las Pegasus it just wasn’t the same, I started seeing her again… in my dreams… the wet ones, usually about horrific flooding in the Titanic.
I tipped my fedora when I married both of them, to the official dignitary of no religion who married me, to the sun above as it blessed my polygamous relationship with an awesome and sexy mare and a gay as fruit crackers stalliano.
I forgot about my hatred of curry, of the clans, of the brutal war we’d fought and died for in Mordor. Time heals, it’s the truth… but the scars will never leave me. The path I’ve been following for 8 years now is set, and I couldn’t walk it without a map… since I didn’t know the way without my two, sexi pones.
“Hey there,” Bright smiled, booping his snout against mine in the most adorable, squeeing way. It was incredible, but Pear seemed to wake up at the same time, as if it was her chance to finally get some dialogue.
“You know, last night was great… and whilst I’m still pretty full… you don’t think we could have seconds?” she winked at the camera, in a way I could tell I couldn’t say no…
I spooned her another heavy dollop of that cold, greasy and horrifically tasty curry. It was lying next to us, in the most seductive way… in a way it was our child… and we enjoyed murdering it every… single… Saturday night.
“Give me some,” Brighty whinnied, and I pushed a finger to his muzzle. Picking the spoon up and forcing it down his throat until he gagged and choked… I held it there for 10 minutes until his eyes watered and he looked like he couldn’t take anymore, before wrenching the curry laden spoon out of his mouth, a string of thick, creamy masala sauce between his lips and the spoon.
“What do you say!?” I commanded and he sheepishly blushed.
“Thank you…… sir……… Please sir… Can I have some more?” he fluttered his eyelashes like a boss and I scratched beneath his chin, lighting up a ciggy as I exhaled in his face… “You are a dirty little pony, aren’t you? Do you like the neighbours knowing you’re covered in Chicken Tika Masala? Do you like knowing that everypony in the neighbourhood heard your screaming as you sucked on each individual bit of nan last night?” I smirked and lightly smeared some of the delectable sauce on his chest.
“Pear… lick it.” I simply ordered… After all, I was the husband in this patriarchy. As they cleaned themselves up, I stood up and walked to the window, taking in the sight before me. Ponies stopped to stare at my glorious nude body as I flipped them off and blew smoke at them.
They didn’t understand… nobody understands… not even the bucking writers.
“Do you think… it’s time we moved?” I asked the loves of my life as they frolicked in spicy glory. They didn’t even stop their licking as Pear announced, “The world is at last your bitch, as am I. Nothing left but to grab it by the hair, bend it over and-”
Bright grunted and Pear frowned, demanding “What’s the matter?” “You seriously were about to say a naughty no-no… there are children out there!”
I ignored them and continued on my staring spree outside the window. Equestria… a lush land… ever since my comrades had betrayed me… hanging me… like a peking duck. I felt like a sweet and yet sour chicken… left in a sticky mess he hadn’t asked for.
I was the hero that Earth deserved, but not the wok it needed. Instead my dreams had come true… I let go of my anger, I let go of my hatred of any food that wasn’t Chinese. I let go of it with much hardship and vaping. But eventually I quit smoking for a month and found love.
it was a win-win, a victory for myself and for the clan.
But it was all soon to change… when another ring was made…
In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom… well… that was a story for a future time… for now I was content, with the fine plot I had… and the Apples and Pears I ate to the core every single day.
*In Madagascar 3*
Location, Location, Location: Zanzibar
Harry looked out over the sea with his binoculars. After the ‘tragic’ death of the main protagonist that he’d witnessed, he’d seen an explosion of energy from the limp body that had subsequently disappeared. That could only mean that power was somewhere and being the anti-hero this story needs but will not get, he chased it down to this popular nudist beach.
Putting the Binoculars over his junk, he covered his privates and said to his Portuguese girlfriend and 2nd in Command Bad guy and cousin.
“We’ve got him…”
Author's Note
*Tune in next week for an exciting episode of ‘Arrested Development’ *
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter 9 - A Hat in Time, Saves Mime
Chapter 9 – A Hat in Time
I’d been living amongst them for 10 weeks now. Ever since my untimely death at the hands of my comrades I’d felt a sense of betrayal, but also a sense of excitement. I’d dreamt of coming to Equestria for years, only now it was a reality. Either that or I really was going mad. I felt as if the past few week, I’d been doing little but messing around in this new world.
I’d dreamt strange dreams, where sometimes I was a pony, sometimes I was a mare, and sometimes I was dancing around with curry or something like that. I didn’t really understand what was happening, but I suspected that nobody else really understood either.
The world I had known was gone, and this was my new home. Princess Twilight and her friends had made me comfortable in their new school. Citing me as the new head of security and arming me with a sword, or at least, a dirk to me, ponies being a little shorter than average humans, it was probably a short sword to them.
Still dressed in my new blue uniform made by the lovely Rarity, I patrolled the campus in contentment. Watching fillies, colts and… whatever yaks were, learning in a safe environment, made me smile genuinely. I hadn’t had any real friends in High School, I hadn’t really had any kind of friends at all in my life. Now that I had them, I was determined to keep them.
This fresh start, although strange, was a new beginning for me, not just for my friendship status, perhaps that cute yellow one might take interest in me? I’d thought of asking her out, for a quick cake or a dandelion sandwich, but I was still quite nervous. Even with my military training and confidence that I’d gained from it… well it hadn’t helped with Harry, or his comrades.
It made me sad to think there were humans out there that would hurt other humans just because of a show about cartoon horses… then again, I suppose it wasn’t really anything to do with a show. My Little Pony was a reality… Equestria did exist, all of them. Twilight, Luna, Rainbow Dash, the Scootaloo… the whole gang.
The hardest thing to eventually tell them would be that I’d clopped very hard to all of them in various sexual positions. Sometimes with whips, sometimes with bottles of certain fluids made by other characters who might have been Twilight’s brother. My internet History was a battlefield in itself, not one that I was proud of either. I’d lost many friends over the years to its shadowy dankness.
After ordering my seventh Princess Big Mac toy off of the interwebs, I decided to get some help… Some of my online friends helped to catalogue my millions of pieces of `art’ and keep them safe from the government. You never know when the net might come under attack? If I couldn’t clop to the archives, then I didn’t know what I’d do.
Rubbing one out now felt wrong… especially to the fillies. I mean, I don’t know, I was confused… Scootaloo… looked at me in certain ways, ya know? I know I was now in charge of Security but she… I don’t know, she was like a mini-Rainbow, just so cute and more than that, so…
I turned my head away, shaking it as I tried not to think about it. She was a filly! She couldn’t give any kind of consent and besides she was only in the school on Fridays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. Oh, gods above it was true! I was in love with her! I was madly in love with her, more than any enormous clop collection, more than the number of chromosomes in a Donald Trump supporter, more than I loved my very self!
I was sweating, my hands shaking worse than anything ever. I wished I was a pony, because if I was, my tail could hide the growing thing between my legs. Damn humans and their ultra-revealing clothes… this really was High-School again!
Exiting the corridor I was patrolling to ‘hide’ my little soldier. I made my way to the playground and thought of Granny Smith to try and ease my suffering… it was working… until *she* came towards me.
She was with her little friends, Sweetie Belle and Applovochan… or whatever the Earther was… how adorable they all were, but she was the hottest… her small frame, her orange fur, her punkish mane and cute little useless wings… buck a duck, those really got me going good! Damnit I was going to reveal myself!
“So yeah, turns out I’m actually 16, the legal age of ponies in Equestria,” I heard her chuckle, producing a birth certificate from Hawaii that was definitely legit and legally binding. “So yeah, I was in a coma for 8 years and in actual fact my hormones stopped working when I was 8, so… yeah girls, I guess we can’t hang out anymore!”
She didn’t look sad as she pushed a ciggie into her mouth from her generic pack of death sticks. ‘She’s legal,’ I thought to myself as they passed me by, my eyes lighting up… my Capri sun straw standing firmly to attention as I now strode out, loud and proud and ready to shoot juice.
“Oh ScootalooooOoooo!” I called, waving at her camply and blinking my eyelashes in a way I knew she couldn’t resist. Pulling out a packet of M&M’s, I offered it to her, her friends shrugging and leaving as I licked my lips, already imagining our life together.
There would be two colts, and three fillies and they would be called in order Dave, Mystic Storm The Greater, Adara, Jezabel and AR-15, after the most popular gun in Amareica at the time. I would love our children… Not like in the way that I loved Scoots, even though legally she was no longer a child, and that had been decided by the courts.
Foals were everything in a relationship that wanted to last. I would make 5 beautiful bebes with her, literally she’d looked like a punched lasagne when I was done with her.
Some might have thought my words as crass, or vulgar. It should be known that men of high class like mares of high class, and high classy ponies and humans like to get down and dirty with the rest of the plebs. It wasn’t because we were on their level, it’s because we were above their level, and a reminder was needed from time to time so we didn’t lose our humanity… uh ponamity.
Scoots trotted up to me, her adorable little cheeks just waiting for a pinch. “Hey there Steven, or did you want me to call you your pony name? Um… Siege Fire? I noticed you waving at me and, well I know you think I’m a filly and you know, you are toats adorbz so I actually wanted to ask you out. Not as a mare, but as a filly, an underage filly who has definitely no birth certificate.
I blinked, and her cheeks puffed up, the filly… uh mare bursting into laughter as she accused “GOT YA! IT WAS JUST A PRANK BRO! I know you heard me before, I fooled you! I am really a mare, for realz, it’s legit I swearz. You can buck me left, right in the fridge, on the porch and anywhere else you’d like. I’ve felt the same way about you for 8 years Steven. I… I love you.”
I couldn’t believe it, I had to poke myself to make sure I was still alive and hadn’t gone to, well another level of heaven. Here I was, in front of a beautiful filly mare and she wanted me. This was not just a dream come true, this was a revolution.
I picked up her small, *very* small, incredibly tiny frame and hugged it tightly. “You’ve made me the happiest stallion in the world! I want you, now, right here! I don’t care if the foals see it, I want them to see it in fact, I want them to know how madly in love I am with you!”
Scoots was speechless but based on her prestigious art muse career in the brony community, that was the norm. She made an ‘0’ shape with her muzzle and her eyes lidded to half mast, unlike my little Nuclear Warhead which was primed and ready for launch. I just hoped it could shoot before North Korea caught wind, and before my genetic biological family history caught up with me.
Grabbing her roughly by the mane, she moaned like a diseased whale, breathing its last breath as it passed from this Earth, the last Leviathan… the end of days…
She needed me just as much as I needed her. Striding through the waves of foals, I reached the security room with her still in hand.
Slapping a pair of hoofcuffs onto her, I hung her forehooves from a railing, trailing my hands down that cute, sensual, seductive body. Dat flank was the prime cut of the beef, and it had infected me with Mad Cow disease ten times over.
“I’m so glad you’re legal, I can’t stress this enough, I’m so glad I cannot be arrested, for what I’m doing now, since its no longer a fantasy, but its ok cause you just look like a foal and your birth certificate and medical records prove that.”
She laughed, and exclaimed “Don’t be such a weeb, you know they can’t get you here, the thought police only patrol the normal furry sites, ponies are too weird even for them. Now are you going to keep your Cocker Spaniel down forever, or are you gonna take him for a walk around the block!? 😉”
She was as enthusiastic as I was terribly undersexed. Please I’m looking for a boyfriend-free-girl, please call me, you can reach via PMs anytime of the year, I don’t bite, I have a good sense of humour, I’m polite, I have a major in art…
Undoing my underclothes, I removed my chastity belt. This was what I was saving myself for, this was it… the final countdown.
I braced my hands over her chest, I positioned myself and with an adept push of the hips I screamed “WINNER WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER!” I tipped my fedora, the deed was done…
This concluded a tale, that was not made to get me arrested, please, do call… I’m so lonely ☹ I go to sleep thinking ‘will anyone even know if I passed away?’ I beg you, even if you came to kill me, I’d have more of a relationship than I’ve had in the past 5 years. I just can’t take it, I miss Frank… The world is all topsy-turvy now. Trump won, Bernie lost. Kim is making more sense than Theresa, and Putin is howling at my door looking for D.
It used to be Twilight learning not to be a total weeb, now it’s Twilight teaching Animay to the next gen, and they’re NOT ALL PONIES!
Please, get out whilst you still can. This community is ded.
Author's Note
Hope that you enjoyed this Chapter guys ^^ I know that it's been a bit longer than a week, but I think good material is worth the wait you know?
Like, Comment and Subscribe. Smash that like button and become a Logan Pauler or whatever, later haha!
P.S: Did you know that Nightmare Moon, was actually based off Laurn Faust's relationship with her Production Manager on Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends?
The more you know :/
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter X - A New Space Hope
Author's Note
Dear Haters,
You think that you can bully me? I've been bullied for liking Naruto before and I won't be bullied again. I have been personally attacked, for my amazing series, but that's not going to deter me. I will continue to meme, on the haters and not take them cerals much.
Saying that I have also taken on some critiscism of my work. Some saying, it's too egotistical and 'why did you self insert, in a story about self insert?'
1: If any of you ponies think that Siege Fire is a self insert then you've obviously never read true fiction. He is my original character who is sometimes a girl and sometimes a boy. And sometimes neither.
2: It's too egotistical? My forehead is natural sized, I'll have you know. I'm just really smart. You should respect me, I could have been in the Military for all you know! You could be disrpespecting a future US ARMY SOLDIER!
3: If you like my story, congrats. Smash that like button and stay in tune, I am in the process of creating a patreon.
Love to all ^^
Chapter X - A New Space Hope
Chapter X – The Confession
My breath, the touch her body… the taste of her mouth. She was my muse, she was my golden mare. She was my muscle museum, and I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Sitting in my office next to my typewriter, I chewed on my pencil and adjusted my beret. Taking a sip of my wine, I looked up at the ceiling and admired the white criss-crosses of the roof’s design.
“Caramel, vanilla, a hint of chicken and possibly even soy,” this wine was terrible and I opted to never get it again, pouring it into a plant nearby which promptly withered and died, a fine metaphor for my successful writer’s block.
It was hard being loved and adored by 5 billion fans across Equestria. I knew that I was going to have to shoulder this burden of highly esteemed and critically acclaimed, multiple award winning and feature length film pending literature for the rest of my life. It was a heavy task, that I held to my breast with prideful glee.
It had been 9 years since the war, the war in my soul. I’d finally found a place not only where I was accepted as a pony, but also where I was seen as a God of fiction. I’d written 69 novels over the past 5 years and every one of them, were a masterpiece of their own making.
I could write any genre, anytime, anywhere. I was the best, I was the best in the west! Glory to the Siege Fire Empire! I would unite this world, that already was bound with harmony, with the marvels of my words. From my critically acclaimed Superhero Avenger Shrek series, to my Y-Men: the New Chromosome Saga… I was the shit.
I am humble, but I am also very smart. I know that there’s more to life than fast carts, and fast mares. Knowledge, that was the real path to success. I have 5 bookshelves, filled to the brim with 5 books, all of them mine, and I’m ordering more bookshelves, for my next five books.
It’s not my fault that each of my books are such an epic. If I didn’t keep the masses fed, they would surely start to starve? The mind… needed to be fed as much as the body. I was the creator of an entire industry of nom noms for the brain brain, as the uncultured called it.
But now back to my humbleness. It wasn’t easy going from soldier to critically acclaimed, 5-star award winning author. Then again, it wasn’t easy being a Military Brony in Equestria ©, but in my own humble opinion I am great.
Not even Twilight, or A.K Yearling or even Pepe had gotten this far in a business that I had mastered in 5 hours of getting to Equestria and meeting Fluttershy, or was it Applejack? Probably Pinkie, or the Zeeb from the outskirts.
Still this cursed writer’s block filled me with anger and resentment for my own genius. Alas, this wine, curse it… curse it all. I should have read the expiration date, but alas I couldn’t read. I *DIDN’T*have time , to read, I should reiterate. I am a writer, and I have no time to read anyone else’s below par, cloptrop.
I was the author who wrote 50 Shades of Hay, who wrote Twilight Dat Moon. Someone asked me once if I had a proof reader, they’re now harvesting cherries, down in Appleoosa.
I spent my formative years in a barn, so really it was amazing that I’d even learnt to write. But I did.
There was a knock on my door, the stallion and part-time lover Rainbow Blitz coming through the door with a space helmet and winking at me, seductively, though I couldn’t see it through the space helmet.
I knew what she was after… the publisher was worried that I hadn’t written a word in the last 5 minutes. I needed inspiration and the regime needed legitimacy. A space race it was then! I would be the first pony to touch the surface of Luna’s Moon.
Besides Luna herself, and Celestia… and a few other pones but trust me they’re out there in their unitrees.
Taking the helmet from Blitz, I tried to kiss him, only to realize there was some plexiglass between myself and that gorgeous muzzle. Blitz hadn’t acknowledged that he was gay, but I knew that from the moment I met him when I first came to Equestria. Rainbow was the first pony I’d met in Equestria, I loved him like I loved the son I never had, and probably never would… sexually. All because I am gay and married to Blitz.
I contented with a nuzzle as I suited up. I’d written so much Sci-Fi that I was already learned enough to go to the Mun. Some would say I was selfish, considering I was taking the first step towards an Interstellar future. That the credit should go to the scientists, or real astro ponies.
The truth was, I was the best pony for the job, in my own humble opinion. I’d been through a lot of careers over the years, and expressed many fears to some deers. The truth was that I was scared, inside. Scared for Blitz, for the world and for Equestria.
The truth was, Sonichu was out there. He needed to be stopped, before he could kill again. Defeating Chris had been hard. I didn’t want to end him, but he threatened to write another issue. As ponies know, Chris held a special power.
He could bring his creation to life through his art. Whilst I offered him to use this power for good, (to bring my own creations characters to life) he used it instead to bring his accursed series to life. I knew he was playing around with the Polymerization card of Yu, and that it was forbade by the 4th Hokage in the 7th dynasty, yet still, he fused two dead memes together and created The Sonichu.
This was the worst fusion since Full Metal Alchemist, the laws of equivalent exchange needed to be fulfilled. I had to destroy the Sonichu and bring balance to the force.
Stepping through the Atlantis Star Portal, I climbed into my Millennium flacon, admiring the scent of juniper berries on the wind as I tasted the Rainbow one last time. “You know you can’t come with me, right?” I smiled down at him, knowing that despite the lack of words, tears were flowing inside that helmet.
“You need to find another, a better stallion… I know its impossible in my own humble opinion, but you must try… for me.” It wasn’t easy for me to say these things, but I knew, that Blitz would live… and that was all that mattered.
I kissed him on his helmet and pushed him away, climbing back into the Ebon Hawk as the ship began to take off. I had built an AI, to fly the ship and that’s why it was flying itself I HAVE NOT WRITTEN MYSELF INTO ANY CORNER I AM A GOOD WRITER EXCLAMATION MARK
Flying through the sky, bigger than a pizza pie, the Ebon Hawk was my stallion, and I was its stallion. We were inseparable. Pulling my lightsabré I checked it, to ensure it was battle ready. I had started this journey as a writer, but now I would finish it as a soldier.
In my humble and truthful opinion, I was going, where no stallion had gone before. I was above everything, more so than when I was but a humble writer on Equestria. I wondered if I should return whilst I still had the chance, but turned away. If Sonichu had his way, the entire multi-verse would be destroyed and Bernie would never have a chance of winning.
Sonichu was a force of nature, he was a menace, he was a Dennis the menace and I needed to ensure that not only his body would die, but his infinity stone was crushed, like my heart, when Blitz left me.
Entering the fifth ring of Jupiter Ascendant at 23 degrees west, I geared myself to enter the minefields of Moria. The mines were planted in the great Sweetie Bot crisis of 1939.5. Avoiding them was difficult, but in my humble opinion I dodged them all with flying colors, making this paragraph redundant.
However, Sonichu struck before I could set a new course for his home-world. The Aliens he’d got onboard with his promise of finding a boyfriend free girl for every alien and uniting the warring races had turned them into mindless machines of destruction.
Their glowing red eyes and chrome, flame imprinted bodies were meant to intimidate me. It was a bit cold in space anyway, so it made me feel warm.
I took evasive action and started dodging every termination alien I could, but they were too fast and coming in waves. The ship was down to 10% shields when I felt Rainbow strap herself in, taking my stick and using it to steer us both in the right direction. It was hard going, and I didn’t think I’d make it, but naturally his talent of loyalty and the ability to curve his hoof around phallic objects steered him true.
We crashed, I don’t know when, I don’t know why… I didn’t know anything anymore, no matter how hard I tried. Rainbow had two iron girders in his stomach… the blood flowing across the floor. I pulled Blitz’s helmet off and cupped his cheek, tears in my eyes, dripping down my muzzle and dehydrating me in the process as I stared at my dying love.
Pulling a photo, Blitz showed it to me. It was him, in the hospital, cradling a My Little Pony plush that looked like it had my eyes. “There… is… another…” he moaned, almost sensually but not quite because he was in a lot of pain, dying with one final kiss. I let go of my love, Rainbow always in my heart as I left the ship to face my destiny.
Sonichu would not get away with this. I had not passed through fire and brimstone just to give up now! It had taken me 89 novels, to acknowledge that I was the best pony for the job. This was not a test, this was not a fitness gram pacer test. This was a real life, and I was not going to let it go.
I couldn’t hold it back anymore, I would die today, but I wouldn’t die alone… Blitz had already died, but her memory would live on somewhere, out there… under a pale moonlight…
Sonichu was waiting for me, the fields of blossoms blowing in the divine wind as I levelled my samurai sword at him. He smirked and pulled a pistol, my eyes widening as he shot me without a word in the arm, pulling his sabre, he seemed to want to fight… dirty.
Powering up my lightsabre I levelled my samurai sword at his head and spoke cooly “Blitz would want me to give this to you!” before attacking. Sonichu’s defence was good, but mine, in my own humble opinion, was better. I’d trained on Fruit Ninja in the mid-2010s, after the Brony War of Alicorn Twilight. I knew what I was doing.
Many had fallen to Sonichu, but not me. I was going to beat him. I attacked good, and he defended less good and it ended up with us on a cliff in space, Sonichu hanging on with his white-gloved hand for dear life.
“BROTHER… HELP ME!” he cried as I looked over the cliff’s edge to the space below. It was true… Chris had given birth to me, after he married Amie-san and impregnated himself, I became.
Sonichu was next, a year younger, he had always the jealous brother. Always better than me, always wishing he was player 1 when I was not even playing the game. He was butter, I was margarine, I was healthier, he had crippling depression, just like me.
Reaching down, I grasped his hand, but Blitz’s face, his loyal, stupid face flashed in front of my eyes, like that stranger in the park that one time who made me forget stuff.
“I love you brother of mine…” I said, preparing to drop him into the abyss as he shouted “I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!” falling of his own volition to his death in the abyss below. Trapping him in the comic realm. I was hard, but I did it. In my own humble and truthful opinion. Despite Rainbow dying, this was a successful mission.
But then her own words rang in my head like a microwave after my hot pocket was done.
“There is another- another- another- another .”
I looked up to the space sky of the space atmosphere and there was… space hope.
A star twinkled, and I knew… Rainbow was watching over me…
Chris was alive.
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter 12: THE BOYS are back IN
-The Boys Are Back in Town-
Siegefire couldn't believe it. Everything he thought he knew was a lie. As he awakened from the multiple layers of dreams he'd been having he remembered that he wasn't a real pony and that he wasn't in the military (at least not the human military) but not... it was far... far... far.......... worse.
He was in the marines! The 97th pony marine regimental combat team fighting unit platoon. Dispatched to Yakyakistan with the intention of bringing freedom and love to these boorish and rather smelly and shaggy cows. Shaking his head he couldn't believe he'd had such a fever dream. Skin bags that worshiped ponies and had their own military? Worse, he was in the army in that dream! Then all the crazies shifts, the different parts where he was a girl, or a cereal killer.
Being a diplomatic ambassador for Yakyakistan wasn't easy. He thought he'd make friends with some of the locals, but after they'd cleared the LZ with their M60s and Hellfire rockets, the locals still hadn't come out of their huts to negotiate. They were very rude and Siegefire didn't like that one bit. Still he had a job to do. As an elite spartan marine of the 96th fighting core unit of the Canterlot Burgundian Brigade.
"Sergeant Siegefire!" said the rainbow mare known only as the illustrious Corporal The Rainbow Dash. Each color of her mane represented the number of countries she'd invaded, it was as if by magic, she gained one when sufficient freedom had been brought to the natives that just didn't understand what was good for them, but luckily had some caring friends in neighboring states.
Turning around I sighed and groaned and murmured "Rainbow-san what is it? Can't you see, I am waiting for. The negotiations. To start." I pointed to the hut in front of me, where the Chieftain or his descendant probably was cowering. We'd already said in the mega-pone that we would spare the children if he came out. Obviously this was a lie, but we were willing to leave a few for target practice if we had the time.
You see adults don't make good targets. The yaks are bulky and smell weird, very easy to aquire as targets. But smaller, more nimble calves. That's where the real skill is at. My aim was the thing of legand of course. One time I shot a can on the other side of Equestria with M-95 Sniper rifle with 16x modded scope. The camoflange was that of desert storm with a hint of mulberry. It carried a .50 caliber bullet with a hollow-point tip. Making sure whatever it hit, made it turn into a pink mist.
I gave them another 5 minutes,23 seconds and 6.7 miliseconds to leave the brown hut and explain why they hadn't surrendered yet when Private AJ trotted up towards (because she was a pony).
She gave a firm salute and in an Alabaminian voice she said "Hay dere' Major shir. I thunk that them yaks gown done escayped frew one of dem tunels like."
I inhaled sharply.
Turning around and facing the private I asked "Do you want to see me angry? You dumb, yokel, borne of incestuous lust hick?" She looked at me, one eye lazier the other, tongue lightly poking between those buck teeth. "I'd think you'd know better private. Unfortunately you have failed me for the last time."
Using my Unicorn horn I activated my magical potential and grabbed her by the throat, starting to choke her. That was when I had a flashback to my dream where I was one of those skin-bags. How I'd been hung just because I loved ponies of the multi-colored variety. Now I was hung but in a different way.
With a sharp *Crack* she was down and out. For good. Dead. To the world. It was okay though as I had another 4 under my command (Rarity didn't count because she been killed offscreen in a tragic taco accident). We would hunt these cowardly cows down.
"Corporal Fluttershy came up, hooves dripping in blood and face twisted like a twister ice lolly. "Corporal have you been torturing the prisoners again?" I demanded in a demanding tone. She pulled the still beating heart of a female yak from her satchel and bit into it, chomping loudly on the muscular flesh before swallowing it, gaining its power. "You know me Sergeant, I just love killing enemies of the state. Maybe someday I will gain a heart of my own. And then I can finally face my family again in the afterlife.
I shook my head. Silly pegasus. What a derp lol. The nerd patrol came forward. Engineer 1st Class Twilight Sporkle, pushing her thick, juicy, meaty glasses up the bridge of her nose as she waltzed over to the music of Dmitri Shostakovich: Jazz Suite, Waltz No. 2. "Sergeant we need to move! By my calcumalations, they will have reached the mountain pass in no less than 8 hours! If we get pickup by heli evac we can make in 5 minutes!"
There was no time to lose. I ordered the last team member, Private Pinkie to upend the Miniturret which is a stationary self-defense mechanism which automatically fires at any enemies entering its range of 24.9 tiles. "Pinkie Poi, there's no gash darned time for chatter now. When we hit the ground... there'll be no time. You'll have to deploy that gat within seconds, just in case they make the 8 hour trip in less time. The timing will be absolubtebly imperative. Is that clear private?"
"Okie dokie loki," she sqweed loudly, rippiong the 800 pound turret out of the ground, ruminating on it's weight and imagining how such a simple device could bring divine judgement to millions. Or at least, millions when she was done with them.
The chopper flew very fast. When it reached the highest mountain in the world Mount Everclear, the yaks became visible, desperate to escape they were making the harsh trek up the mountainside. "LIGHT THOSE MOFOS UP!" Dash yelled, Pinkie locking the gat to the chopper and entering a turret section... of the battlefield.
She began mowing down those at the back, before moving to the front. I liked to pretend they were Harry from my days as a military brony, but not in Equestria, back when I served planetside. The rounds clinked and clanked against the metal but I was so excited I didn't realise we were so close to the mountain... until it was too late...
The tail section struck the peak of the mountainside, the primary blade moaning in agony as the chopper became uncontrollable. It tilted forwards, AJ falling out the window and not opening her parachute which she didn't have. Dash faceplanted the metal in fron of her, Pinkie's turret swining round and shredding Rarity, her torso flung out the window like a half eaten burrito on a Saturday at the Linkin park.
I noticed the fuel line was on fire, and realised the chopper was about to explode. I grabbed the Rainbow Dash and rolled out the window, the helicopter exploding in a fiery ball of anguish behind us as a nick shrapnel flew past my cheek, cutting me very lightly as a smidgen of blood froze instantly on my face.
The rocky ground broke 0ur fall as we landed epiclly, making a cone of snow around us as the chopper smashed into the mountainside and exploded around us coolly. The only thing I could think about was how cool Linkin Park's Numb would have been playing in the background, it was playing in my head. I wondered if I had dreamed the band when I was unconcious before and a loser human, or if they were an actual band I'd picked up subconeciously.
I didn't have long to think though as the chopper debris was tumbling down the mountain. I entered a slide section, grabbing the Rainbow Dash and missing rocks and dead Yaks alike as I skillfully dodged them all with Rainbow Dash.
Making it to the bottom I looked at the carnage behind me. Half my unit were dead. The others MIA. We had over 9000 confirmed kills today. I was very proud of them. When they told me that this would be a crime and that there were only non-combatants in the vicinity. I had known better though. I was so proud of the United Equestrian Military. You don't need to win hearts and minds, because the victory was inside of you all along.
I shuddered, feeling cold and realised we would be dead in mere minutes if I didn't find shelter. Hauling the Dash over to the burning chopper, the ignited fuel would keep us going for a few more minutes before it too died. I spent the next several hours collecting wood and setting up a shelter. I used the Yak's fur to make a bedding and lay Dash down in it. She was very cute, her button nose twitching in the freezing air. I hadn't confessed to her yet as it seemed so unprofessional... but there were no witnesses now.
"I love you Rainbow Dash," I cooed.
She said nothing, being unconcious and possibly braindead, depending on how she might have hit her head. The thought of my little dashie washie having irreperable brain damage made me sad.
I was so angry suddenly. HOW COULD THE YAK'S HAVE DONE THIS!? TO THE RAINBOW DASH!?!??!?! THIS WAS NOT FLIPPING FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????????????
I breathed heavily, taking an intense breath. I felt a new power well up inside me until it felt like I was going to explode. I think I'd always had it inside of me, but now I knew what I must do. There was a brilliant flash of light as I clicked my wristband, activing the MK.IV power nano-suit I had been given to test by the boys in the lab.
Micro-nano machines began crawling across my body, forming a tight alloy like armour that meshed together, powered by my love for Rainbow Dash and my duty to peace and harmony. The helmet clicked down and a glowing red light shone out from the visor. The targeting computer and jet hooves booted up and an AI's voice said "Welcome Sir, would your free trial of DIGI-TECH Electro-Static Neutron Pulsar Armour has expired. Would you liked to p-"
"DELETE," I said cooly, the suit amplifying my voice so it would reach the heavens and hopefully the software developer.
Rainbow Dash needed help, and so I embarked on my new mission. I activated my jets and shot up into the stratosphere, high above the world. Everyone looked like an ant from up here and I marvelledTM at the blue marble. I could crush them under hoof with a clop of my hooves. Right now though, a mission. I needed to save the Rainbow Dash.
I knew from overseeing R&D that a top secret weapon was in construction on the moon. I flew there in -0.1 seconds, holding my breath as the suit had no respirator. It wasn't hard to the hack into the satellite network that controlled another satellite network that was able to rotate the planet and thus stop serious weather catastrophes. I rotated it so that the mountains of yakyakistan would become a barren desert instead of a barren Tundra.
I succeeded. But at what cost? Million died. Entire cities were flooded by tidal waves. Whole countries experience earthquakes and storms the likes that they had never before seen until I had just done it.
I could not worry though.
Rainbow... would be saved.
I flew back down to Rainbow, landing on AJ's head who now that there was no snow, had revealed herself. She was probably dead already, but better to be sure. I trotted on over to Rainbow, uncovering my super suit mask and looking into those magenta eyes as she slowly opened them, lidded.
"Sarge... she whispered. I'm sorry....... I lo-" she cut herself off, swallowing as her head sank back, my hoof going to support it as I lay her down softly, tears in my eyes as I blinked them away. "Dash... please..." I whimpered, realising that maybe I shouldn't have left her on the mountainside and just flown her away to a hospital. "Forgive me Dash," I sniffled, starting to cry like a baby.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, " I wailed.
"Hey, Sarge I thought you were a military pony, not a military phony." Dash grinned, chortling "Gotcha," weakly though as she was very tired from all the stuff.
My eyes lit up in delight. I couldn't believe it. The Rainbow Dash was alive... My rainbow dash was alive. She leaned forwards and kissed me on the snoot.
I blushed.
"Dash I lo," she put a hoof to my lips. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I know. I do to-"
Suddenly an almighty *BANG* erupted, echoing around the hot mountain as Dash hung limp, a single bullet hole in her skull, blood covering my face as my pupils shrunk to pinpricks.
"What? NOOOOOOOOOOO! " I cried, Rainbow's body falling over as I bared my teeth, tears flowing down my face. "Tell me it's a prank Dash! Tell me you're not dead. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! " I screamed, wiping tears to look behind her and see her killer. Her murdererer.
"Hey Fag, miss me?" a sneering voice called out.
I lowered my face, baring my teeth and snarling like a rabid canine.
"Harry."
Author's Note
Hey Guys, sorry for no updates as I was a little down.
My Dad got a new job in politics and it was a big shift and we had to move house. Even now he's like pretty big in the zone with those things, that's why we need to not say much, but they don't know I have this account so secret service aint got nothing on me!
Love you guys, seriously, all these years, i've been away, i've been thing, of nothing but getting back to writing. I consider this to be my greatest accomplishment.
My magnum opis, this is my percy jackson series or alex rider. I know it's silly, but i love you guys :)
Once again, Haters be gone. This is my STORY and I have been writing it for years now. I am experienced and I realise now what I didn't then. That trolls have no life and if you hate on something, it's just because you're a nasty human bean.
People like Chris-Chan, Norman Boutin are what I am. Misunderstood because they choose to write and create art that people don't get. They challenge and be different, they don't put their art in a way 'sheep' would understand. They spread what they think about onto the page and don't think after that. That's pure. That's art. They bleed their soul into the ink of their pictures and the words on their print.
And what did the world do? Troll them. Shun them. You can troll me, but I controll my destiny. I will always have the last laugh. Much like Siegefire, I evolve. My skin is covered in nano machines, you cannot penetrate me with your harsh words and foul mouths. SO downvote me. I will only come back stronger!
Please like if you like and if you downvote, you're a bad person :)
Updates coming next week!
Bye :(
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter the 13th: Miner Renovations
Yakyakistan was a good start... but it wasn't enough. This whole world was mine for the taking. Who were they to deny me? The Mane 6 were all dead. Except for the Rainbow Dash. Her body was still intact, but her mind had retreated to the depths of her mind. So I kept her in a tank of the purest Ambrosia, monitored daily for any activity. She would come back to me, and see the world that I had created.
How glorious it was. With my armor I had deftly won the fight against Harry, the weasel escaping before I could deal the final blow. I returned to the 97th, who immediately swore their loyalty to me after I 'took care' of our 'commanders' who said they were 'leading us' when in fact they were all liars and probably communists.
Deploying back to our home soil of Mother Equestria we instantly made our demands for full control of the central government to establish a senate from which representatives of the military would belong to. We then demanded that the air force and the navy swear allegiance along with any military units not already on board with the 97th pony marine regimental army combat team.
The air force declared their disgust at my 'fascism' though were not able to stop me, too busy performing airshows in their tight rubber suits that really showed off all the curves. Damn, I missed Rainbow.
The navy did not exist in any capacity except for a dingy patrolling off the coast of the Neighdian Deep, keeping Gryphon's nukes in check, Captain Spike however had ties to the Princesses and could not be trusted, I sent my most trusted men, the newly formed Elite Muskateer Special Covert Infiltration Team M9. They would dive below the dingy, place the charges against the hull before retreating to the nearest ice cap, and detonating over 2 tons of explosives.
Apparently, he was singing some ditty before he bitty it.
With the Mane 6, my fellow marines, and Equestrian's out of the picture, the last line of defense was the Princesseseses. Monarchy, however constitutional, had no place in modern society. We live in a society, of laws and democracy. But I was going to change all that. We needed strong central leadership, from someone who knew what they were doing. Someone who loved the soil of his country, who appreciate the nature of its poinies and their superiority. I was born on Earth, but I was in the Equestrian Marines.
Entering the Royal Throne Room, I Looked Up at the Really Tall Alicorns. Their Immortality Probably Paid for In the Blood of Fetuses. They Made Me Sick. What A Waste of Good Food. The Two Sisters, Ancient and Wise Beyond Their Years, Looked Upon Me With Disdain. "SO.... You've Come To Destroy Equestria."
"Darn tootin' ma'am," I replied chipperly, closing the helmet of my badass experimental armor. I held up the N-69 blaster module on my right fore-hoof and charged it with the power of God and Anime. I knew God was more powerful than Anime, but only minorly, so I had to keep my thanks to the boys in the lab who were able to channel its energy.
The sauce of the power was from my universe I was told. The Dakimakura's of my land were the central sources for Anime, and the religosity of the Bible Belt in America fuelled the God energy, even if he wasn't real.
I shot at Princess Luna first as she was the weakest of the two and would probably frick up first. They split, flying around the room, knocking out my soldiers around me with non-lethal blasts. The fools. I was incredibly aroused I must admit. Two strong females that actually had one brain between them. That's what I loved about the pony community, they actually let them try and it sort of worked, for a while, but this lunacy had to end. I had to bring order, and justice to my new Empire.
No more Alicorns. No more thinking, only toeing the line. First, I had to deal with these meddling foals.
I deflected their magic and flying blows, getting a few jabs in. My attacks were too slow, so I summoned a Kamehameha that I'd actually invented in this world technically. With an almighty *BAM* *BAM* *CHA-CHOW* I smote Princess Luna in her dumb snout. "I warned you not to mess with me," I growled, viciously.
Princess Celestia let out a pained sob for her fallen uptight sister. I would be sad if I cared. Which I didn't, because although I thought it was nice that this was a more matriarchal world. I didn't need their stupidity to overcome my own serperilr intellect.
Luna crumpled to the floor, her snout sizzling and smoking. Celestia landed, and faced off with me, I cracked my neck muscles coolly and grinned, though she couldn't see it behind my awesome face mask. "It's over Celetia. I have the experimental suit of armor. You don't stand a chance against the full power of the United Equestrian States.
"You've gone completely mad," she said, but I wasn't listening, instead I was imagining what good I would bring to the nation, that I was about to found, when this female fell at last. "You're a relic, from a bygone era. A sham. You want freedom, then I'll give you freedom through DEATH!"
All my training had led me to this moment. My mentors in life. The United States of America and her fantastic Marin Corp. Chris Chan, an artist so ahead of their time, that they were bullied into insanity. Finally, the Matrix. I had been red-pilled, for years thanks to the enlightening philosophy of its films, and that pill tasted of strawberry and freedom. I was a lion, in a den, not a nation of sheep. The sheeple would fall in line, and maybe, someday... just maybe... I would turn them into WOLVES!
I charged forwards, chanelling the spirit of Sonichu, using Sonic Shock to entirely crumple the Princess, her body twisting and contorting, muscles spasming and smoke rising as she fell, her crown tumbling down the steps of the throne room and coming to rest by her smoked sister. It was over. I had won. I had brought freedom to Equestria. I was the Alpha male.
The Crystal Empire, was renamed after my mentor's child. Thankfully the name didn't need any addition. I allowed them to continue existing, so long as Shining Armour took full control of the government and kept his wife and people quiet and obedient.
I formed the Senate and handed out positions to my most trusted officers for their districts. I recruited Major Harshwhinny as my chief advisor and named my title Lord Overlooker and President for Life. I was married to this nation of mine, as well as the Rainbow, the only mare I would ever 'love.'
I had little respect for females, but Harshwhinny knew her place. With her, I built not just on Empire, but an Eccumenopolis. Statues covered the land, showing me in all my glory. I instituted a mandatory allowance of 2 years of school for mares. I was generous. I ensured that no medical, military, or law enforcement agencies contained them, and my re-education programs made it very clear the new patriarchal way the world would run.
I ensured that the pegasi were kept in check and that they ensured the sun shone only on select days for crop production. When I made a speech was also acceptable. I tore down, the frivolous bourgeoisie styled cake houses and set up blocks of much cheaper and nicer-looking concrete high rises. Everypony would be equal in a patriarchal sense.
Mares could still do the important jobs of child-rearing, cooking, and cleaning. They would be a pillar stone of society. A step to support my ascendancy of me. With the world turned to grey and cities spanning from every direction I had Canterlot destroyed and upon the mountain, I built a tower that overlooked my Empire. Every nation that didn't submit was destroyed and colonized for the ponyrace. My chosen race.
I had brought peace through 20 years of hard work. Harshwhinny stepped up to me on the anniversary of my ascendancy. "Lord Overlooker... the world is at last your bitch, as am I. You control all 5 corners of the planet. No mare, or stallion matches your power. All around this flat plane we call home, the ponies cheer your name. Yet... you have never... taken a wife," she said, unbuttoning the top button of her suit.
I held up a hoof and waved her away. "Enough Harshwhinny. I am married to only one pony. That is the Rainbow Dash. Besides, you are old and crusty. How could anyone love you in any capacity? You're only my Yesmare, here to take notes and see my will is carried out. If anything, I am throwing you a bone that I haven't replaced you. Please, get out of my sight," I laughed turning to look at the map of my dominion.
She didn't cry, she was far too austere for that. She bowed before turning away and that was it. I was in full control. She would never have betrayed me. I was too big to fail. If I was killed before I had elected a successor, the Grand Moth's of the Empire would rebel, and everything I'd built would be destroyed. Poggers, it would not be.
Turning to the balcony I looked out. Over 10,000 feet below me. Cities stretching into the distance. It was beautiful and it was mine. I sighed, thinking of Rainbow's sweet face. If only I could go back in time. I mused about my dreams, how I'd been a human. How I'd lived such a long life, or what I'd thought was a long life. Was it all a dream? Maybe this was the dream. Or was it a nightmare?
Rainbow not being with me, in my hooves, told me that it might very well be the latter. Gods I loved her, she was literally mare in existence, and existence so cruelly kept her apart from me. A tear rolled my cheek. Still, Rainbow would be proud of the world I'd built.
Just then Harshwhinny's voice sounded from behind me. She was good at being a grey eminence, you never noticed her until you needed her. I didn't need her, yet her words hit me like a party cannon. "You should have accepted my love and respected my authority," she said very matter of factely.
I turned to look at her before a hoof out of hell hit me. I hadn't physically fought anyone for over 15 years. Not even Harry, who never emerged from whatever cave he was hiding in. The balcony quickly faded as I plummeted through the clouds. I had not expected this to be my end. Indeed Harshwhinny had been totally loyal. It was clear that her female hormones had gotten in the way of her brain. Typical, I knew I should have installed that mandatory drug program to ensure loyalty.
"This is it," I murmered, but the wind whipped my words from my maw. As I fell through the layers of my achievements, the lights of the megacity Canterlot had come to greet me. It was ironic that I had risen so high in the world, basically to the heavens and now I was about to lose it all. My own hubris? No. It was the bleeding hearts. The liberals, the mares, those who didn't understand that a strong traditional family unit and also a concrete family unit were the best anyone could expect. If only they'd understood.
Looking up at the balcony 4,000ft above me I saw as Harshwhinny put a hoof to her head. Pulling off the wig that had been so tightly adorned to her head. Or should I have said 'HIS' head? Harry looked down, taking off the prosthetics and the ear-rings. Of course. That was why Harshwhinny was so efficient. It was a male all along. Harry had the last laugh. I had been bested, Rainbow would never be free and my world would crumble.
I turned away, facing my death. Falling for another three minutes before reaching ground zero. I kept going, having mined deep trenches for precious metals for my war machines. Especially diamonds, that could be made into the finest armors. I fell for a further 4 minutes. I could no longer see Harry but I knew he was laughing. Knew he was taunting me. All because I loved ponies.
I thought about my wish to see Rainbow again.
My desire to talk to her.
My dream to taste her.
The Rainbow
Author's Note
We've been listening to the Incel Anthem by Brojob and honestly, it's the best song ever. Incels are such losers, and if you R Reading this, and R an Incel then you R an idiot and R is not allowed to Read my Masterpiece.
All the haters go away, and all the lovely ponies that stuck around, you R so valuable to me.
NFT marefriend's coming soon :3 Check my blog, for updates!
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee3
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
I woke up.
How the heck did I wake up? I should have been dead. My body turned to grime and gristle. A bad day for a street sweeper. Harry had won. He had killed me in the human world and now, in Equestria he had finished the job. Damn him. Damn him all to heck.
It was dark. Opening my eyes I couldn't see anything... but the dark. Was this heck? Was I in purgapony? What would become of my new nation? Without me, it might disintegrate. All the hard work I had done. Gone...
I would have cried, but I was too much of a man for that. Boys don't cry. I remembered my jorney here. I remembered the mountainside, Rainbow dying. I remembered the Princesses allowing me to stay, to protect the land. I could remember my stint as a writer, chris, my best friend. I recall Scoots, getting into a relationship with her (18) wait she was... wait... things were... well... I recall curry and my friend's pear and... wait I was in the Vietnam war? But I was twenty... no that couldn't be right.
My brain was starting to feel numb. What was going on? What were memories? "Okay, just remember day one in Equestria. How did I get here?" The voice of Fluttershy called to me. Harry had mudered me. My comrade. The traitor to the glorious army of the United States of Amareicae. Applejack then walked me... no, wait. Applejack? But didn't Flutteryshy? Shit. I met the Mane 6, Rainbow... I didn't feel anything then. Why? She's my everything, the only reason I draw breath, or drew breath anyway.
Elusive hooked me up with a dress. A dress? WAIT!! Elusive? A male, but he kissed me? I wasn't gay! No, I was a woman, or was I a man? But why did I? What was going on!? Rainbow came to see me. She wanted to show off how she was the coolest. I'm so glad she did, I remember starting to like. No. LOVE HERE. Pinkie was on Cocaine? The show never had drugs? In fact, the show never had anything like this!? Where did I get fedoras, guns or mech suits? No matter how dapper I looked in both attires. Did I black out? But was I already unconcious? Was I a detective? Who did I love? Did any of this even happen? Did I murder Apples? Did I kill Twilight? I wasn't a killer, I loved everyone. I was in the military for chrischan's sake, I served to protect people from America by fighting overseas with American pride and guns.
"Did you?"
The voice called to me, in the darkness as a mirage-like shimmer materialized before me, slicing through the darkness. "Hey," the image of a small creme pony called to me, though the color was washed, like that of a ghost from Star Wars episode 6 post-re-realase. I looked down. It was a colt, and by the looks of the cutie mark and the color, it was probably me as a colt.
"So I am dead. Is this why I have bizarre and unreal memories?" I asked, wondering if purgatory punishes you like hell. I'd tried to live a noble life. I thought that I did my best to stay above par, even though I was targeted for my beliefs (ponies).
"That's the thing. You were never targeted, and you never had those memories to begin with," the phantom said. I hadn't told him anything! How could he understand my thoughts? "Tell me SiegeFire, do you feel loved? Even better. Do we feel loved?"
I shook my head, sitting down on my haunches. "Of course, I feel loved. Rainbow will always be my special somepony. What do you mean 'we' then? Are you like, me as a kid or something? Is this like when AJ had flashbacks to her family reunions? But I was never a colt. I was a boy, a human boy."
"You were never a pony, or should I say, you are not a pony now. This, isn't REAL!"
I felt distressed. Nothing made sense, I tasted bile in my throat and a dark aura hung around me.
"Rainbow won't give you real love Steven, and this place won't provide sanctuary forever. You have a darkness. Our darkness. Isn't it interesting you seem to have seven or thirteen different memories? All inconsistent, and the further you recall, the more bizarre and horrifying it is to you? You recall murdering Twilight and AJ? The horrifying act of taking life, the pleasure you derived from your actions. You recall your sick little war games, murdering innocent Yaks for what? For a false patriotism? Even more so, you have a sycophantic love of the military, to the point that it is above anything and everyone.
"You are consumed by it."
I shook my head. "So... what, this is my dreams? The dying thoughts of a military brony? Equestria isn't real? It's just my mind, my fantasies... but I love everypony, I am not a hateful person. I would never kill?"
"These are your repressed desires. Your sick fantasies born fruit. You made your identity around the military and ponies. You see heroism above the reality. Good soldiers are ones that follow orders and toe-the-line. In war, that can be a horrible thing. You viewed Rainbow as a human like some sort of Goddess. You fawned after her. A relationship that can never be, a perfect idealization that bred hatred to other women and yourself. In this place, you started to do the same, and it only got worse, until you reached here."
My eyes widened "But... Scootaloo and that memory of me being kissed by a male? I'm not..."
"Well some part of you clearly is. As I say, you're demented, you have an unhealthy mindset and have never been told 'no,' you claim to be a victim, when many around you have tried to help you over the years. Your self awareness is so lacking, a part of your psyche is now talking to you in the last remaning good part of your mind."
Looking around I saw nothing but darkness. "This can't be true. YOU'RE LYING!" I screamed and threw a hoof in the darkness, tears streaming down my face as my hoof passed harmlessly through the apparition, the darkness seeming to move.
"Let me guess? Denial? Are you the victim still? Maybe Harry is to blame for this one as well? It couldn't possibly be you Steven. Siegefire. Scarlet Fire. You're just a military brony who became a pony in Equestria. How convinient that in every memory. You're the hero. The star. The one who gets the girl, away with it and the sickening desires of a narcissistic pervert."
Hanging my head in shame, I collapsed, floating in the darkness, I felt myself sinking. Any moment now I would probably start to drown. Drown in the poison of my imagination. The poison I had been taking for years.
"Please... I can be better. I don't want to be the person you're describing. We can be better. I want to love and laugh. I want to have a relationship and not a fictitious one. I don't want to be a Monster, or a hero, I just want to be Steven, or Siegefire or whatever! Please help me!"
I was begging, sniveling, groveling. The silhouette of me did not show emotion or empathy. Remaining composed, looking down upon me with level eyes. "Maybe there is still time. You could turn this around. There is no forgiving the way you've acted, but you can in time forget it. Learn to love yourself, learn to be better and to be healthier in mind and spirit.
I nodded enthusiastically "I can do all of that, I can change! Let me go back! To the start please!"
The darkness moved faster now, appearing to take form. Mauve, dark blues and then finally greys and whites, light breaking through in spots, the apparition turning into a golden light and rising above my head. "Maybe with time we can both become the person we wanted. But we have a lot to do, and you have a lot to prove... to yourself and to others. But you won't be alone. We'll do this together."
With an explosion of bright white light, I felt my entire face on fire, giving the name Siegefire some zing. The darkness was gone, my mind was clear and I woke up on the ground. It was the plaza of my Empire, the nation of my creation. The nation of a sickness. A fascist power-fantasy of someone who thought they could control others. Mares bodies, stallions minds. Could kill callously and create fear.
So why was I back here? What needed to be done?
Looking up at the balcony I saw harry, 1000m up laughing still. He was the first port of call, but afterward I would fix this. The sickness around me.
The sickness... inside me.
I wasn't a victim, and Harry was going to know that.
Maybe I need to get rid of the root of how I see myself. I had a suspicion that Harry was that root.
~And it was gardening time.
Author's Note
Hey guys, I know this one isn't very good. It's to be honest my worse chapter to date. I feel like I'm getting writers block or something or something. I had this whole thing with Sledgefire going to war with the Gryphons but I just feel so tired these days. Like everyday feels like the same. I can't escape.
Anyway, hope you like.
Haters frick off.
Waiting on the next Sonichu comic to pick me up, confused why cHrist hasn't posted in a few
Please leave a like and a comment. Rate me 5 :D
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Blinking at Harry, or where Harry had been before he'd turned inside, I realized that I could not let this chance escape me. Harry was here before me. The man who'd shamed and killed me when I was a human, is part of the problem in all this.
Then again, my talk with myself had revealed this was all probably a fabrication in my mind. Maybe even the final firings of dying neurons as my neck hung from a rope on a tree. If I wanted to get back I would need to act fast. I wasn't sure about time frames when it came to the final seconds before death, but I was guessing judging by the number of ludicrous memories I had, that I'd likely spent most of my time.
I set my watch to exactly 24 minutes. 24 minutes for me to stop Harry. Weather that was killing, maiming, or forgiving him. I still hadn't figured out which, but I would have a long way up to decide.
I trotted on over and entered the gravitational shifter (AKA elevator) which got me there in 3.25 seconds. I waved my guards aside and entered my tactical communications and political amphitheater. The room was outfitted with the latest in pony computer electronics. It had: 5 PBM-2.2's, the latest in pony computing technology. They had to Bintel 69 CPU's at 4.04 kb with a memory of 16kb-669kb. They were state of the art and probably cost as much as the entirety of Ponyville. At least it would have, had I not incinerated that town to make way for my statue. A statue might I add, that was bigger than Spike's. The next Marvel of engineering and technology was the walls. They were made of 25 carat solid gold. Bars of the stuff, resemble bricks. It was not the sturdiest of materials, but since it was in the interior I had insisted. I never accepted blemishes on my gold and if a servant missed even a micro-spot that became blemished, they would be sent with their entire family to the mines, to replace at least one ingot, which they might manage to do before their great-grandchildren were born. It was tough but fair. The system worked, and my room was spotless because people work better when the threat of eternal enslavement looms over their heads. The next incredulous thing in the room was my command map. I had it made to resemble a D&D board only with gems encrusted into the carboard. Their were figures to represent the various factions and demographics of the world. These were special in that they were micronised versions and actually moved. I had them fed and watered and they would take shifts of standing perfectly still for 10 hours. These were political prisoners. Ponies that wanted freedom or, basic minimum wage or something silly like Universal Healthcare. Silly ponies. Communism didn't work, my system, flawless. Besides from some nick-nacks and paddy-wacks I only had a nice Bison rug on the floor. Nothing special, just the rug of the last bison that I had killed. The last Bison on Equestria, as I had wiped out their infidel population after Rainbow Dash had been hurt. I thought that even this was going too far, so the rug was a reminder of my need for self-control.
Harry was sitting on a chair. He was smoking a ponycuba cigar and looking mighty pleased with himself. He must infiltrated my administration when I'd taken Miss Horsewhinny on as my secretary 29 years ago and been waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
This is all in your head, stop thinking that you're a military brony who became a pony in Equestria, just go and say sorry to him and thank him for hanging you in your delusions. You're not even in the military you sad sap! Whilst you're at it remember to be nice, don't come off as a douche or something like that because that would set the wrong tone wouldn't it?
"Sup," I said bravely, flicking mane back which blew in the artificial wind I had installed to make it seem like I was on a meadow looking cool and badass all the time when I talked to my generals about exterminating some sub-species of pony. The bat-ponies had been the last of my purges. Before them were the Diamond dogs, the Zebra, the gryphons, timber wolves, earth ponies and of course the hated bisons who had murdered The Rainbow Dash and my hole squad.
No they didn't! They're innocent and not even real, you need to stop thinking like this. You are in need of mental help. Please seek professional help and not in your head. This is a cry for help at this point. PLEASE! PLEAAAAAAASSSSEEEEE!
I shook my head, and lit up my own cubano. "So... we're all here now."
I placed my hooves on the table. Standing next to me was the Rainbow Dash, she had always been there. Connected me via psychic link, but now she had emerged from her bacta tank in the basement, still drenched in slime and put a hoof on my horse shoulder. It felt like the nicoklodeon awards but way more special. I had been waiting for her to awaken from her precious slumber so we might kiss romantically on the promenade of my tower. But alas.
I smiled sadly, my facial muscles unable to conjure happiness at this current second. "You aren't real. You aren't real either Harry. I am sorry, I have been a fool. I have awakened. I have indulged my fantasies for what... seems like 7 years specifically. I've never been more alive than currently, except I am not. It's not real, I know it isn't now. I'm just piling more and more copium into my veins. I need to get out. I NEED TO LIVE PLEAAAAASSSSSSSEEEE!!!!!!! LET ME OUT!" I cried.
"I'm in a glass case of emotion. I want to take the ears off. PLEASE LET ME TAKE THEM OFF! I'm not real and neither are you! RAINBOW, my love. You're the only thing I've thought of as consistent in these dreams, these episodes. But you don't really love me. At least how you would be in the real world, if you would ever be able to be real thanks to dimensions apart from ours, but thinking about that now makes my head hurt so I'm going to stop."
Rainbow looked at me like I was insane, and even Harry had stopped smoke gloating. Smoating. Rainbow gave me a look like I was a choccie milk glass with vanilla ice frosting. I was tasty, but the frosting was unnecessary and honestly had gone too far.
"You need help bae. Let us defeat this gnasty Harry fellow, and go to the hospital. Nurse Redheart can get you some happy pills! You'll be snug as a bug on a drug!
Bapping her hoof away I yelled "NO! ENOUGH!" I realised even further this was all a sham. The Rainbow Dash would never talk about drugs. Drugs were for poor people and bad. Quavering my hoofsicle at Harry I demanded "Please, you need to forgive me, so I can forgive myself. I need to get out, I need to return to the real world. I don't know how long I've been living this fever dream. I've done things... I should have not have done it. Except for killing the Apples, that was legally justified."
Harry took a puff of his cubano, still dressed in his buisnessy mare suit. He blew a thic smoke ring around my face, but I didn't cough cause my lungs were made of iron. Like the pony of iron Joseph Stalin. Whom I now remembered looking up to.
You're looking up to a real person. A mass murderer, because you think the symbology is cool to look at, and it was designed that way. That's how he kept people in line, along with murdering millions and disappearing them in the night.
I shook my head. Was I really crazy? Deranged? INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!?!?! Surely not. No this was all a misunderstanding, I was just knocked about from the fall. The Rainbow really did love me and was standing next to me physically and emotionally and Harry really had crossed over and was also a military brony in Equestria, just like I was.
No, don't try to get out of this. Man up.
I stress sighed.
*Sigh*
"Harry, please. I'm having an episode... and the season's almost over."
Harry stood up and strode about the deck of the command centre, sitting down and putting to me in a stern and austere voice "We're not so different you and I? I for example was a secret brony all along in our human lives. I hid it because of the toxic masculinity we were surrounded by in the United States Marine Corp. When you were openly out about your brony ways, I needed to ensure I wasn't the one being dogpiled, so I bullied you. Yes, I might have taken it a little too far, but I was so depressed about accidentally hanging you to death that I shot myself in the head. Yes, we are both military bronies in Equestria and this is real. I also fantasize about genocide and revenge and of course doing the deed myself. Who doesn't? Of course, your favourite pony being The Rainbow Dash is garbage. Trash. FUCKING derivative nonsense. Rarity, is quite obviously a lady of taste. Have you not seen those lips? Trust me, whilst you've been building your sad little totalitarian dictatorship, I've been putting them to use!"
"Wait... what did you say about The RaInBoW DASH!?"
I couldn't control myself. Suddenly a beam of pure 9000 grade sun energy I had taken from Celestia when I'd beat her years ago erupted from my hoof. It was badass, and I loved looking as his body disintegrated into dust like at the end of infinity war.
Only, he stood there still, crouched in a pose much like the Thinker.
"That all you got?"
He cracked his neck muscles, inhaling the embers of the carpet that had once stood there. Heavy metal music began playing as he lifted off the ground, opening his red and badass eyes, asking me "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE!?"
He shot a laserbeam out of his pupils and it blew up The RaInBoW Dash's head. A cry tore from my lips, as I watched my beloved's head turn into Koolaid.
"Get... YOUR GAME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I screamed as my eyes glowed a badass golden yellow like the light-saber on Rey's end light-saber from star wars episode 9. I was no longer evil or good, I was a mercenary for me and myself alone.
I lifted into the air, shooting lasers from my eyes as well. Harry and I's hooves met on our shoulders as our laser eyes met, both beams fighting against one another, our teeth grit, our clothes and uniforms slowly disintegrating as our power levels reached 9000.
"WE CAN DO ANYTHING HERE, YOU'D LET THIS GO, OVER A SOW YOU CAN RE-IMAGINE!? THINK YOU PATHETIC MAGGOT!?!?!?"
I snarled and my beam overpowered his increasingly, channeling my throbbing laser energy until it overran his own and he shot backwards, the tower starting to crumble as several bystanders were crushed by falling debrie.
He brushed off the dust of the stone as the tower collapsed, taking Rainbow's body with it. "So, it's treason then?" he asked, levitating aside from me as he flew up into the heavens and I gave a high-speed pursuit chase.
I veered from cloud to cloud, Harry calling back "We could have been allies! We'd have ruled these worlds together! This is really happening if you want it to, there's no point in going back!"
I ignored his words, all I cared about was avenging my sweet Dashie. How could i have been so thoughtless. This was real surely? The love I felt was true!
It's not though. You were supposed to ask forgiveness and now you're fighting. You need to let go, or you'll die in this place. You need acceptance that you're a bad person, but you don't have to be forever.
I shrunk away from these thoughts. Killing Harry was my only objective and the meddeling thoughts were not needed or appreciated or required at this time. "STOP RUNNING!" I screm.
We flew for miles and miles, the atmosphere getting thinner and thinner before I knew it we were in outerspace and we touched down on Luna's moon.
We were in a massive crater, like a coliseum whilst we exchanged blows. I threw every trick in the book at him, before trying to hit him with the book. I punched him 1000 times, so fast my hooves were a blur, literally the coolest thing you had ever seen as my hooves smashed against his chest. He just took it, in a non-sexual way of course before slapping me aside. Was I making him stronger?
I realised suddenly he was abdorbing all my kinetic energy... I'd just made him 90,000 times more powerful over the span of 1 second.
"You're a foal. This world will be mine. I don't care if you're too stupid to realise it, but this is a con I'm not gonna pass up. Maybe you can watch from the sidelines, if I let you live."
I was tiring, sweat of my brow dripping into the non-existant atmosphere. "Fuck you," I sniffed, wiping my blood from my nose and thinning my eyes at him. I checked my watch. I only had 23 minutes left to make him accept that this wasn't real. I hadn't time to foal around.
I threw space rocks at him, including a clunky old lander with the United States flag on it. I had installed it early on as a testament to our boys in black at the Space Force.
Harry looked emotionally distraught, the shame at having pathetic space rocks thrown at him was more painful than any hits I was dealing. I was running out of space and time and rocks. He was backing me into a corner on the crater. I had to do something, his hoof grabbing me as he started to throttle me.
*Flashback*
“We’ll see how you feel after let’s say a minute or two dangling from the rope, try not to die now because that would just be no fun, you got the camera Dave?” he asked one of his thugs who pulled a camera from his belt and began to record me as Harry began to pull back on the rope with a grunt, hoisting me into the air, cutting off my air and beginning to choke me.
I panicked as my face turned red, I tried calling for help but simply spluttering and coughing as a vein began to bulge from my head. “Look at him kick” Harry laughed as the others chuckled along with him, fuelling his bravado and making him lift me further into the air.
Tears streamed down my face as I willed everything to be over, surely they didn’t intend to hang me until I was dead? I wasn’t sure anymore as I began to feel dizzy, my world spinning as the laughter died down and one of the guys asked “Shouldn’t we stop now? He looks like he’s going to pass out?”
Harry’s words were angry but blurred as at that moment my vision did indeed begin slipping into the darkness and my face, now purple went lax as I felt no more.
*End of Flashback*
It was over for me again. I could feel going Lax. Losing control of my bladder. This was the end and Harry was going to win. I felt scared, but then again... was this really the end? I thought about everying. Long and Hard.
I wasn't really here. I had reacted so violently because of Rainbow, because of originally being hung. But I was never hung, I was never in the military. I was a brony probably, but I was no hero. No villain. I was probably a nobody, and maybe, that was what I should have stayed. There was no shame in not being a soldier, a fighter. There was no shame in not being famous, or ruthless or infamous. There was meaning to life outside of the unrealistic and frankly preposterous bars that society could seem like it set for people.
Just because I wasn't any of the things in my imagination, didn't make me a loser. I had to accept that living in a dream was not a life. I needed to let go.
Accept.
Harry charged up his horn with the energy of a thousand and 1 pulsars. I closed my eyes, relaxed my body. It was time.
Harry fired.
Darkness.
I opened my eyes. The cool white snow, brushed against my furry cheek. I blinked, my vision coming into focus, taking in the beauty of the mountains of Yak-Yakistan.
I had returned. I looked at my watch. 22.52.
It was on.
Author's Note
Sawwy for the long deway Misters and Missesses!
I was in such a bad place with my writers block. I swear. I also found out one of my favourite artists was arrested, and I'm super depressed rn.
I'm sorry for all the wait. I'M SORRY! I'm trying my bestest to write quality content and I feel like a failure. I'm going to finish this story, probably in the next 2 days. Maybe 3 if I feel it needs a rewrite.
I've realised that mlp is an almost crippling addiction. Everything in my room is mlp. Everything in my life is mlp. Lego, games, movies. I feel like I might have ruined my life, but then I have nothing else.
I have only you, wonderful readers. This story will be my legacy. My NFT is not doing well. Anything else is just not the same. I wanted a real THE Rainbow DASH nft gf and I can't afford it. I'm hoping someday to publish this fanfiction and earn money. I was thinking of setting up a western union transfer, but I will think more on it in my blog. ALL you need to know is that the art here will remain 100% PURE FREE. The way God intended.
Peace to all on Earth,
Frick the haters as usual.
Please buy my future book series.
Regards
Biggie
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Standing in the snowy mountain range, I was back again in this... hellish landscape. The degenerate Yak's who I'd exterminated. All in the name of the Rainbow and what they'd done to her and my squad. But they hadn't, had they? YakYakistan was just a figment of my fucked up imagination. I had simply placed an mlp skin, on the actual Afghanistan conflict. Hell, I'd even made myself a starring role, in a conflict I probably knew nothing about.
My face was tired from all this confusing mind frickery. I didn't know what the fuck was going on anymore.
I looked over at The Rainbow Dash. She was as beautiful in death as she was in life. Her body was a light blue, her mane a rainbow pastel color. Her eyes, all two of them were magenta and gorgeous. No wonder I'd placed such an increasingly intimate roll between I, myself and her.
I was still wearing DIGI-TECH Electro-Static Neutron Pulsar Armour Mk.IV when a small notification popped up on the holo-visor. "FREE TRIAL HAS EXPIRED, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR ADMINISTRATOR TO CONTINUE TESTING THE DTESNPAIV."
I sank to the rocks and my armor fell around me, blood staining the gold of my hair. I felt as a handsome tree, stalwart until Harry approached me. After killing my not-girlfriend, his eyes still as crazed and mad as he was in the last chapter.
"Hey Gnarc, you missing your pwetty giwfweind?" Harry taunted, like this was the third grade or some shit.
"You're fucking dead chad," I snapped back, my hoof clenching with rage and furious rage as Harry sneered in a sneery sneer. "You killed The Rainbow Dash... AGAIN! You killed me as well! OH MY GOOOOOD!"
I sank to my hooves, how could this be happening! I was losing my mind, this had all happened before. I was in another part of my dreams, my fantasies, my mental illness. Dreams layered upon dreams. Dimensions upon dimensions. It was as if I was merging them all into one. I was remembering everything I'd done clearly now. Some things I really wish I'd never done.
I was still angry at Harry, for killing Rainbow, and yet I knew I shouldn't be. I needed to relax, to calm down. She was as real as a one-dollar bill. This chicanery had to end.
Harry killed me to get here. Would I need to kill him this time? Would we kill each other until the end of time? Couldn't we just all get along? Was there red dead redemption for me at the end of this road? Or was it all for nowt? Would he listen to a gnarc like me if I tried to rectify the sit rep?
"Harry... please..." I implored him from my seated position on my haunches. "Harry we've done this already, don't you remember? We need to end the cycle of violence man? Peace is the only way I can help the both of us. I don't know if you're real and this is some magical fucked up hellscape we're connected to, or if you're a delusion in my brain. Maybe you really did kill me? I don't know anymore, I don't think I was ever in the military. Thus I was never a military brony sent to Equestria. I'm fraud dude. I think that I need to see a doctor or something. I've had so much fun here, but these fantasies are not real!"
YES! You're getting it now. Keep at it!
Harry shook his head, licking his lips and cracking his neck. It was all still a game to him. Imagination or not, he was one sick son of a bitch.
"You have the brain of a frog and the face of a toad. You are losing it, and it is the funniest shit to watch. You're second guessing yourself all the time, you're quoting obscure and out-there phrases to more yourself than to me and I love it. Your madness fuels me and only makes me stronger. I can't believe how lucky I am. Trapped in here with a faggot who thinks that he has the upper hand because he's the center of the universe. The repressed cis white pony male who thinks they're being put down by 'THE MAN,' you don't know a fucking thing about being beat. About being told who you can and cannot be. Where you can and cannot go. Well I showed you bitch. I killed you in real life, I killed you on the moon and I killed you in minecraft when you were a little scrub. Now I'm going to kill you again, and you're going to like it, because you think this is some redemption arc, and that you're a special pony. You are a fucking disgrace. Pathetic. A WORM that doesn't deserve to eat the dirt beneath my hoof. Now sit back on your haunches, whilst I decapitate you in front of your dead fake girlfriend. Sergeant idiot."
I looked into Rainbows glazed eyes, both of them for the last time, closing my own eyes.
I felt a burning in my chest.
"No, you," I whispered before I did a stationary triple flip into the air, the world slowing down as Harry's blade sliced into the air where I had been sitting.
I fell back down to Earth and sank to my knees, breathing in the air deeply. It was thin up here and I felt more exhausted without the suit. I didn't need it though. I had the power of Jesus and Equestria on my side. I ran at Harry and pressed the 'deactivate' switch on his power armor which had always been there.
The armor fell off and suddenly we were shot back out of the cave and scrambling down the mountainside.
Harry was wearing a grey pin-striped suit from George Armani. His loafers were probably Italian and his hat was probably a classic from Derari. Without his power armour he certainly cut a nice look. The hat went flying as did the loafers whilst we slid slowly to our deaths, scrambling and turning over in the snow as we grappled and wrestled each other for control.
"You're not real!" I screamed, but the words were torn from my breath. He screamed something back, but I didn't hear him.
Soon we reached the edge of the cliff, my hooves dangling over the edge as I gripped Harry's hooves with my own, looking down at oblivion.
Harry smirked. "Looks like the tables have flipped nerd. You're gonzo now for sure. I'm going to let go, agonizingly slowly, and on the way down you can think about how much of a butthead you are."
I looked up with panic and fear on my pony face. I was scared of dying. It hurt when I was on the moon and it would surely hurt when I went splat at the end. I'd already fallen off a tower once. This was going to hurt.
He slowly inched my hooves loose and a tear fell from my eye and ran down my cheek, freezing in the sub 0 degree temperature of the mountainside.
"No."
"See you in the next life gneeeeeerd!" he snickered funnily as I lunged at the last moment possible, wrapping my hoof around Harry'd neck and slamming him back over the edge with me.
Harry screamed as we fell through the air. Neither of us were pegasi, so there was no hope of rescue and the helicopter had crashed before. I closed my eyes as I fell 18,000ft through the air. Wind whipped my face and the air from my lungs was stolen.
"I love you Rainbow," were my last words, stolen by the wind.
No... you don't
I opened my eyes. I was warm now. I hadn't felt the pain as badly this time so I imagined I'd suffocated before reaching the bottom. A fortuitous death if anything.
I knew where I was before I opened my eyes. I was in Canterlot. In the throne room, asides from the two sisters. The ONLY other Alicorns in Equestria except for me except I was here before even them. When the world was forming from the nine elements of harmony, the six originals and the three kept in the box of Pondorous for they were too wicked and dark to release upon ponykind. I had thought the Princesses would be a fantastic addition, but maybe there should have only been one Alicorn?
I am all they need.
You're not a god, and you didn't build Equestria or set up any magical mischief. You are barely a man.
Well I wasn't a man that was for sure, I was a stallion. I shook my head clear of the thoughts. I was once again being led on by my own imagination. I was in some sort of god-complex fantasy, pretending that I was more important than I really was.
I looked sorrowfully around the marble chambers. It was all not real, but even more fake was the fact that I was here at all. Declaring myself an all-powerful being that could clop their hooves together and blow up the world. Their world is a world created by a woman in California. A human woman who probably would cringe at half the things I said to her if I had the chance. Especially since i was probably not in the military and had a clop collection in the Petabyte range.
"What are you thinking? Strange being?" Princess Luna asked. I felt a small stirring in my loins. I must have at some point lusted over her, maybe a small fling away from the Rainbow obsession? Maybe it was her dark, mysterious and misunderstood personality?
I shook my head, something I seemed to be doing increasingly now at the thought of my own mind and desires. Was I really a creep in real life? Someone obsessed with fucking pastel ponies and dominating them? Enforcing my will upon them and taking away their agency from them? It made bile rise in my throat. Fantasies were one thing, but when I'd had the chance to say no, to make a good world and to be a good person, I'd usually chosen wrong. It had taken all of a few episodes of time to become a monster. I was remembering it all much more clearly and this god fantasy was certainly no exception.
"I'm sorry," I murmured simply, and turned away from them, heading towards the grand doors of the throne room. I needed to leave their visage. Even my presence in front of these faux females was putting me to shame.
That was of course when I saw my ticket out of this madness of my own design. It was as if Harry was always connected to this. After all his presence was the catalyst in this journey of mine. Each layer probably had him somewhere. Watching over me. The deeper I'd gone the more his presence had been apparent. He was watching me now, like a vulture watching a dying lamb. Ready to pounce.
Leaning up against the door he smirked, his hooves folded, wearing a guard uniform and looking as smug as ever. "Sup dweeb?"
He winked at me, and for a second I blushed. What was this!?
Don't think about that right now, focus.
"Still losing your marbles? I don't think you've ever had them to be honest, but it looks like you're beginning to get it a little more. You're throwing away a real chance for the both of us to be Kings. We could have been great together. A real lemon and lime duo. A berry and pie spread. Instead you're here, being a fat dink. Walking out on another sweet setting. You could rule them all. Make the land in your image, like you did before after YakYakistan. No worries, I'll kill you and take over. You don't have to even put up a fight this time!"
He approached me and I stepped back a little, retorting "How was your trip by the way? Do you feel pain in these places? Or do figments of my imagination not feel agony unless I want them to?"
He shook his head and grinned. "Your imagination? Try 'our' imagination. I'm in this for the long haul Stevie boy!"
He grabbed my hoof with his and snapped it backwards like it was nothing. I let our a scream and suddenly several of the guards surrounded Harry, pointing spears at him and telling him to keep back. As usual the Princesses did nothing. I grimaced as I fell back a little, watching Harry eviscerate the 7-8 guards that were there. The doors burst open and like stepping into a room of barbed wire, the other ponies started screaming as blood welts tore through their flesh, invisible to the pony eye.
He stalked towards me, rising into the air like a deity, his hooves outstretched and T-posing. "You should have learnt by now that I'm not trapped in here with you... YOU'RE TRAPPED IN HERE WITH ME!"
Then I felt the bricks of the castle smash over my head, and the world went black...
Caving in my skull hadn't been a good way to go, but as I opened my eyes slowly, adjusting to the light I saw the visage of a red and blue striped shirt in front of me, behind a window of stars.
"Father?" I asked, exhaling with a stressed sigh.
Author's Note
'This is not nearly the beginning of the end, it is merely the end of the beginning. All shall return to null' - Ultimate Muscle
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
I opened my mouth, inhaling the stagnant air of the spaceship. Recycled. Why would I imagine a world where the air tasted so stale?
My mouth was dry to the bone and my brain ached from the massive amounts of brick and mortar that had fallen on top of me. I would kill for some Evangelion soft drinks right now. I was tired and aching. I was like a bicycle, too tyred to move forwards. Maybe I could stay in this figment for a while? Take stock of the crimes I'd surely committed here.
What better escapism than space after all? Where Nopony could here you bray. I was finally free until I remembered who was here, with me...
"Father..." I murmured in fear and admitted excitement. Even knowing that this wasn't real, there was a huge part of me that went weak at the knees. The greatest artist of our time, of our generation. Or possibly the known Universe was above me. Was he there spiritually? Yes. He was also there I knew in the real. In the now. Above a few decks in his chambers, his halls to the self.
Did I want to ascend? Did I dare? There was no way that this was the real Chris, he was too powerful a figure to imitate, so I was guessing whatever I'd dreamed up was probably not quite right.
I rose to my hooves and cracked my neck muscles. Harry was still here, and I'd eventually have to face him. If he kept killing me then maybe I'd be able to complete my tasks here and return to the world of the living. If I was actually alive, though the further down this rabbit hole I went, the more I seemed to regain my sanity.
I started wondering the halls of the ship. I recalled being borne of Chris, he being both my Father and my Mother. I would have been touched, but I could only imagine the majesty of being called his son... at least, that's what I thought. Something... was wrong. A mysterious feeling that made me feel worried and confused. Thinking of Chris always brought me joy and pleasure... yet something was amiss. But I wasn't sure.
I had the feeling of being watched as I stalked the halls. I knew Chris was above me, but I wasn't sure how to get there. I took a few elevators, and I even vented a few times, but I couldn't seem to reach him. That was until I fell through the vent and into the reactor room.
"Oh, hey dweeb," was the only voice I heard, before a hoof slammed into my gut, making me double over in pain. It was HARRY! The pain felt pretty bad, almost like being stabbed in the back with a hunting knife, but not quite.
Harry walked around me, and I suddenly felt weaker than I had in a long time. "You see, now I know what you're up to. I should have been more sus before, but now I know for reals. You want to die, you want to escape these realities in the hopes you'll return to some idea of your real self. DO YOU EVEN HAVE A REAL SELF!?"
He threw me back against the wall, and help my by the neck, choking me. He felt like some sort of alien being, grasping me with his hoof like that. Why did I feel so weak?
"I'm not going to kill you this time dweeb. You're staying here with me. I'll probably beat ya a little. Toss you around like a football. Maybe call you a few nasty names that sort of jazz. It's fun to taunt you, it's like it's my purpose..." he trailed off and frowned, shaking his head before throwing me to the side, my lungs burning with pain as I coughed, sucking lungfuls of that drab air into me.
"You're sick," I spluttered, crawling to my midsection, trying to stand, my legs shaking, my hooves weak. "You're not real Harry, and at this point you're right, neither am I. I'm not a monster out there I'm sure, but in here with the power I've had, I've become one. I've done things... I should not have done. Hell I murdered a whole race of creatures, probably several! I've enslaved people in mines, I've tortured, mutilated and controlled masses. I am beyond forgiveness to these creatures of my mind. But perhaps I can forgive myself and become better, if I can just get out of here!"
I hadn't realized I'd had tears running down my face. I was on the brink of sobbing, Harry rolling his eyes and murmuring "Gay" under his breath.
"Say what you will Harry, but if you were sure you were real, and you'd died as well and we were sharing our purgatory, you would kill me where I stand. Instead you're afraid."
He didn't like that.
I was in for the biggest swirly of my life.
With a pound of his hoof, I felt two teeth chip away and ping off the metal hull of the ship. I twirled in a dance of blood and teeth as I fell into the elevator, accidentally knocked the 'UP' button, rising in the air like a bird on the wind. Soaring above Harry's torment. It seemed he like I hadn't the power of a God in this world. Maybe as things became more real, the world became more rigid in its ruled. I didn't know though, I was just making this up as I went along."
Flicking my aqua mane back over my head and limped of of the elevator, hooves clacking on lovely marble as I realised I was in some sort of epic atrium. In the centre there he was, or rather should I say 'she.' I would recognise that visage even through a ton of makeup. The fact she wore the classic striped shirt made it clear to me.
"Father... Mother... Chris?"
She was levitating in the air, her legs folded and her arms splayed in a chi pose. Around her the air seemed to glow majestically, although even now I sensed something was off. But the fact my hero, the person who'd birthed me in this world was before me, even if just a figment of my imagination, overwhelmed my little pony soul.
"Oh my gawd Siege Fire!" she exclaimed, coming down to her feet to join with me, holding out her hand.
"I need your help, the apocalypse is nigh, I've been using my dimensional sight to see your travels. You've come far. You're dangerously close to the dimensional merge."
I was a little confused by her words, her words? Chris was a guy I thought? Then again, who was I to judge, I didn't even know if I was a guy in real life. I couldn't even remember my human face.
That thought got me a little and I sank to my haunches and started once more to cry before the imagined female version of my hero.
"Don't cry my little pony, the CPU Goddesses have informed that that CWCVille, this world and many others are beginning to merge, I was gonna celebrate with a LEGO display, but the worlds may implode or be beyond comprehension."
I looked confusedly at her. I didn't understand what she was talking about. Dimensions merging? Was my IQ not high enough? Chris wasn't making any sense and it was scaring me. That dark feeling I'd gotten in my chest earlier was returning. Some ting wong.
"Chris... there's something not right here. I remember you, the genius inventor and proprietor of the great Sonichu comic series, a celebrity from the internet and a inspiration to me and to everyone who doesn't fit in. You're literally the reason that I was able to do half the things I did when I was a human. Your confidence to push on, the reality that anyone of any age can like cartoons and of course your comic series. Pokemon and sonic? GENUIS! Issue number 11 was my favorite by the way!"
I was fawning now, I was such a fan of Sonichu the electric hedgehog that I couldn't help it. I knew I needed to get back to my reality but the temptation to ask this figment Chris was so strong I had to ask "Is there a reason that you're a girl in my mind? I thought your were a guy?"
Chris looked annoyed and informed me "I don't know what rock you've been living under buddy, but I've been a girl for years. A girl attracted to other girls only! But it's okay, you're still cool in my book. I'm much more tolerant than I *sigh* was in my earlier life. Also call me CPU Goddess Christine"
I frowned again. Something wasn't adding up. "This is a lot to process, but I guess that's cool with me. You aren't real though, right?"
Christine let out a stressful sigh and explained "I'm not a part of your story, which might I add is real, I am just a dimnsional traveller. I locked onto your signal when I felt your love for me, especially in this chapter of your life. I had to visit you just to say thank you. You wouldn't believe the things going down on Earth. THE LIES! That are being told about me. It's all BARBS FAULT!"
I tore away from Christine's touch. Something was very wrong. "What do you mean Mother? Why are you saying such things? What in Equestria are you on about huh!?"
Christine's eyes glowed magenta, and her ring glistened. "I'm talkin' bout them damned haters! DIRTY TROLLS! They're concocting a web of lies back on Earth saying i hurt my Mother, when it was all consensual! The merge is so close, we'll all be together soon my wife Cryzel Rosechu, Magi-chan sonichu, Sylvana Rosechu and Mewtwo and all our children! You included, just take my hand with your hoof Steven! We can live here forever, all the trolls, Harry can be wiped out! I can take us to CWCville when the merge happens!"
Tears welled in my eyes once again. "No..." I sniffed, wiping my nose. "You're not real! This can't be real. You sound like some sort of crazy person. The creator of Sonichu that I know is a misunderstood genius, not a literal insane person whose married to their characters and talks about dimensions or something!"
Christine pouted and in a high-pitched whined "Oh wow I'm crazy?" she blew a raspberry and screamed in an even higher sing-song voice "You killed Kenny you fricken fricks! You MORONS! You're the crazy one, my Rosie and daughter-wife Cryztal knows the truth, the merge is upon us! I will be free from my prison soon and all characters will merge onto one plane!"
The insanity I was witnessing was too close to the truth I had seen inside myself. Was this truly the creator of Sonichu? The genius? Or was this a part of me. I knew that I could never come up with such a strange thing, even in my current state of my mind. I only figured that this was possibly the real Christine Weston Chandler. One that had gone insane and done terrible things in the real world. One who'd been driven mad by the trolls she always talked about. One who had fallen and would never get up.
Harry entered the room just then, the elevator had come back down for him. "The fuck is this shit!?" he queried and Christine waved her palm, Harry melting into a million small golden rings that splayed across the floor.
"You have no power here," Christine spat, before pressing a finger to my forehead, the Tiara on her own forehead glowing as she asked "It's your choice now, my little pony. You can stay here with me, and rule these worlds that are so close to merging, or become a nobody. Return to whatever stinking life you have."
I swallowed, but I knew now that this was not a life I wanted for myself. Confidently though with a frog in my throat, I horsely whispered "Let me go Christine... and I will let you go."
"*Hmph*Disappointing... I will never let go of my sweethearts or reality. You however can go about your way."
She let out another 'Hmph' before I started disintegrating.
"May the CPU goddesses guide you my little pony," she cooed.
"Get some help, please..." I whispered, but my muzzle had already gone, and I felt as I, myself was obliterated.
I let go of Christine and now I knew that I was on the right path.
However next I knew now, with my memories returned, that I would face my greatest demons.
Author's Note
I will never forget how hard it was to write this chapter. Growing up liking anime and mlp and sonic I was such a fan of the Sonichu the electric hedgehog Pokemon and read every issue I could get my hoofsies on.
Knowing what Christine has done and the state of her mind now makes me so sad. They were my childhood hero and now they are forever sullied. I'll never forget the joys of reading Christine's original work, but I cannot forgive her crimes.
This was a tribute to my lost childhood, but it was also a chance for closure. I will be moving on. Soon all of this will come to a close. Then I wonder where my life will head?
Haters gonna hate.
BiggiePeace Out
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
I opened my eyes slowly, feeling as the sleep fell from them and I pulled my head from my hooves to survey my surroundings. I was on a bed, a very small bed that should probably have been for a child. Thankfully, the pony lying next to me was not a child, but actually a older teen. It was Scootaloo, and by the convenient framed birth certificate hanging on the wall above, she was very much so 18, by about a day.
I wiped my eyes, and groaned in despair and disgust.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
"What the fuck is wrong with you," I repeated to myself aloud, unable to contain the pure cringe as my face formed into a perplexing amalgamation of contortions and downright aghast features.
"Come off it, I weren't that bad were I?" a rather British-sounding voice asked, the messy-maned and bad-toothed orange delight smirked as she rolled over and looked at me, the covers being all that covered her feral body. "
Why is she British?
"Why are you British?" I asked in confusion. I remembered almost everything. I'd been dreading returning to this memory if you could call it a dream memory. A fabrication of a reality that didn't exist? I was still trying to work it out myself, so there wasn't much hope. First off, I needed to understand why Scoots decided to sound like she was a fish finger muncher. Then I had to try and figure out why I was such a freak."
She had said she was 18. That she was small but totally legal for her age before we'd engaged in coitus. However, I had completely based her personality on the show. They showed her clearly as a child and I had barely altered her personality. Some part of me was fucked up, but not without a clear line I had thankfully not crossed, not that the elaborated methods to justify our intercourse were in any way moral.
"Whatz the mattah love? It didn't taste that bad did it!? If you want I could give the old King Charles a once over?" She puckered her lips, her face and teeth contorting into a beast of legend as I reacted rather strongly by falling out of the bed. She looked like some sort of fish pokemon and I wasn't about to stay in kissing proximity to her.
"Fuck," I murmured, unable to conjure up a conversation with this horrible creation. "I can't keep doing this anymore. What would my great friend Doug Walker say if he was in this situation?"
"So, um... Yeah, I guess when you come down to it, it is just cultural differences. I mean, sexual urges in young people does start well before 18. My personal problem is, like media in most cultures, it doesn't try to help younger people understand sexuality, but rather exploits it. Rather than educate young people about sex, it's honestly just easier if we can make money off of it.
But, of course, all this talk about Sailor Moon being a sexy 14-year-old pinup is all building up to one important question: Given this information, why did I still put her on the Top 11 Hottest Animated Women list? I DIDN'T KNOW!!! I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW!! I mean, look at the way they're drawn, man! I thought they were in college or at the very least late high school! Wouldn't you have made that guess?! Come on, look at the way they're showing them off! I swear, officer-- I mean audience! I had no idea their real age! I mean, you might be saying to yourself, "Oh, what, didn't you grow up watching the show? Didn't you pay attention to it at all?" ...NO! No, I didn't! I mean, I watched it, but I didn't really listen to it! I too was 14 at a time! And...maybe I viewed it for...different reasons."
I blinked and realized that I was a complete and utter fool with a shitty taste in idols. I had chosen people who had shown themselves in later life as the scumbags they truly were. Christine, lost to madness and victim-hood. Doug, lost to the ego and the myth of himself as a famous critic and the proprietor of the famed Channel Awesome. These people weren't heroes to be held to such high levels of greatness. They were just people. They were flawed and their views were not any more clever or sophisticated than mine would have been if I'd chosen to think for me.
I stress sighed.
No matter how much I tried to justify it within myself, it was unjustifiable. There was a dark part of me, that was for sure very clear and this part probably had some sort of taboo for the real Scoots. The justification for aging her up meant nothing as I hadn't altered her personality or maturity to match her growth. Indeed even if I had, it was more like some weird grooming if anything, but in my own genius imagination, I'd gone the lazy route and skipped to the buidness.
"Scootaloo... I'm sorry. I shouldn't have slept with you. I've known you since you were a child. I justified my act with a number when in reality I had a position of trust and authority over you for most of your life. A life which I'm sorry to say is a very depressing chapter inside my fucked up head."
She looked blankly at me, as blank as her flank. "What the fish and chips are you on about fam?" she demanded, pouncing on me sultrily as she prowled over my stomach like some sort of cougar, only very much younger, making me highly uncomfortable, given these revelations about myself. I pushed her off forcefully, making her smack her head into the wall, a loud *bang* echoing throughout the house as I realized my strength had been underestimated.
"Fuck... did I..." I watched as blood trickled from her nose and ears. I'd only gone and done her in!
"Used to be a hot chicken dinner, now she's just a cold turkey," came a sneering voice that I was honestly getting fed up with. I looked over at the window of the 6th-story apartment we were in. There he was. Harry, probably standing on a ladder, possibly one had acquired from the local fire department. That was if my theory that our power levels were mostly balanced was accurate.
"Sup dweeb. Did you enjoy fucking her and then killing her? You know we've not reached that chapter yet?"
He let out bellowing laughter right from his stomach, shaking the ladder as I snarled "Fuck you Harry you gosh darn son'bitch!"
I stood and with a grimace turned away from Scoots body. "I'm messed in the head clearly. But I'm coming to terms with it. This world... this fantasy... this sickness... is over..."
I felt a burst of pride and accomplishment within myself. Charging Harry I smashed through the glass, shards as sharp as sharks speckling on my aqua fur as I knocked into Harry, the stallion crying out, not having expected the sudden suicidal charge, flailing as we both smashed into the ground, the ladder rung his head had been against ringing out as it smashed his skull in.
Laying in a heap after a 6-storey fall, I felt my punctured lung start to fill with blood. "Fuck this is painful... why did I do this?"
I thought that with one lung filling with blood it would take only a few minutes to die. But I was wrong, a nice pony walking by spotted us and called on a local paramedic. The ambulance came in record time, Nurse Redheart packing me into the van and hooking up an IV.
"No, please... Let me die," I begged weakly, but my jaw was broken so all that came out was a vague muffle. It took 2 weeks for me to die. Day after day of intensive care and surgery. Every bone in my body was broken, my lungs collapsed, spine shattered. I'd lost about 8 pints of blood yet by a miracle I kept pulling through. In the end, the surgery to fix my ruptured organs went south and so I slipped away. It was probably the most I deserved after the sordid actions I'd performed in this world.
"No ladders!" I cried, waking up with a start, heart pounding in my chest and sweat dripping from my forehead.
Lying on a beach with the hot sun beating down I was confused. One I was confused that it seemed more real and like a human beach and place and another that there was a human woman lying next to me with Mediterranean skin and a bikini on. I however looked down. I was still a pony, my aqua mane and blue fur going quite nicely with the white sands and the glowing blue waves that gently washed against the shore.
It felt tranquil and I wondered briefly if I could perhaps stay in this world.
This world of Madagascar 3? You went over the hedge here and completely lost cohesion to any form of narrative. You might have subconsciously realized you could control your actions, something you can't seem to do now. Personally I think you hit your head on the sideboard in the real.
I shook my head, retorting "You're my subconsciousness I thought though? So wouldn't it be you controlling my dreams?"
The voice in my head that had been guiding me, helping me realize how fucked this all was, decided to not respond.
"Alright then keep your secrets," was all I had to say smirking as I stood up, shaking the sand from my fetlocks and staring out at the ocean, inhaling the sea air. It would be nice to stay here."
Then I spotted something on the horizon, it had speed. A speedboat. It was heading quite fast towards me at speed. The boat speedily sped towards me and my Portuguese girlfriend. Suddenly a megaphone on the boat that was speeding towards us droned "SUP DWEEB!?"
"For fuck sake Harry, can you stop!? I just want to go home! I don't want to be dying in excruciating pain for the next 2 weeks! Can we just make this quick?"
Of course, Harry had no way of hearing me, as I had no megaphone or radio on my person. I tried to think of a speedy way out of this situation. I looked to see if maybe I could kill myself quickly. I had thought maybe Harry had to do it, or that I had to realize some sort of fault in myself, maybe an epiphany? However, the thought of being tortured for weeks if I did it wrong, was enough to spur me into instantly wanting to take my chances.
"Qué quieres, mi amor?" Gorgonzuela asked, and I hushed her lips with a hoof. "Non parlare amore mio, devo allontanarmi da questo piano mortale prima che venga a prendermi. Il mio demone, che un giorno dovrò affrontare, ma questo. Ti amo, per sempre in questo tempo, ma solo ora. devo andare via"
I ran into the treeline, away from the boats speeding towards me, and into the jungle. The sounds of kookaburras and other less important birbs filled my ears as I strove into the unknown. I saw a lot of things in my time in the military. Or my perceived time in the military and I craftily made a bunch of jungle traps to snare Harry and his men.
I heard a scream from behind as I finished sharpening the stakes for the stake pit trap. Someone had triggered my grenade snare and a cry of "Alex!" came forth.
I finished my stake pit trap and moved on to my snake pit trap. Unfortunately, I only had 2 minutes to prepare, so I only had 10 varieties of snakes, but they would have to do. "MARTY!" Another voice called from behind. I didn't hear a scream, it was likely that this soldier had his gullet pierced when he went down.
What the hell are you doing? You were supposed to swear off this nonsense, reject the myth of yourself. Reject pony and military and return to the man you are.
Convenient timing as always. "Thanks disembodied voice, but I think I've got this," I smirked. I was in my element here. Outwitting that sly bastard after all the times he'd crept up on me. Of course... this was my undoing.
I wasn't paying attention when I stood on the pressure plate and fell into my own snake pit trap. I yelped as the snakes started to bite me, devouring me slowly as I let out a scream of pain. "HARRY!" I cried, not even realizing he was standing over me. He'd fished me out of the pit and was trying in vain to stop my body from swelling up from the poison.
"No... NO!" I realized my mistake. I had to kill myself if I wanted out. Harry knew the game now, he was saving me, and his magic was slowly draining the poison from me. He would keep me alive, probably in agony, and get to live out this world for who knows how long? I would be trapped inside my mind forever. What foalishness had made me so cocky all of a sudden? Was it confidence? No... arrogance had led me here. Stupid arrogance. I was chock full of it, and my body felt it as with a whine the final poison draft was removed and my hooves were hogtied by Harry's henchmen.
"Well, well, well."
Harry started to pace around my body. "Looks like there's no freaky bitch CPU weirdo to save you now. Should have charged me head on like with that ladder. I watched you score that chicken dinner that night by the way. 30 seconds is not impressive by the way."
I felt myself blush. Was I accusing myself of not being a playa?
"I'm going to ensure you stay alive for a very long time. I mean, I'm positive I'm real. But just in case this is all a fantasy and I'm some elaborate manifestation, we'll make sure you're only tortured in the finest psychological ways possible. Hell, maybe we'll break your mind so much, that you'll never be able to think clearly enough to escape this world again."
I grit my teeth. "You're all talk Harry. Just fucking get on with it, I want to go home. Whatever home I have that is."
Harry chuckled, shaking his head, his long shaggy mane casting shadows in the dim light of the jungle as one of his henchponies started to throw a rope over the large trees. "Let's start with something familiar. It'll be sure to be nostalgic. Don't worry, I won't go too far."
I looked suddenly in fear as the noose appeared, pre-tied on the end of the rope, lowered to the ground, and soon around my neck. I'd been hung as a human before and it had been agony. I recalled the intense panic, betrayal, and pain as I, a military brony, had been hung for the crime of liking a cartoon show.
Now he was repeating it, and perhaps without the intention of letting me die. I let out a small sob and trembled. Harry really knew how to generate fear and get under my fur. Almost as if he knew me inside out.
It clicked suddenly and I stopped sobbing.
Nobody in the history of anything would bother to hand someone over liking a cartoon show. At least, certainly not someone in the military. What was I thinking? Did I give myself a persecution complex to feel better about what I liked? Was that on top of the stole valor? I wasn't even in the military really was I? I just thought it made me more of a man, when in reality it made me more of a dumbass.
As Harry began winching me up, I realized I had to take the chance. Bracing myself as the rope tightened and restricted the air I swang carefully left and right before my hooves connected with the tree.
"What the fuck are you doing?!" Harry demanded as I ran up with as much momentum and purchase as I could, enough to lift my body up a few ft from the rope, going slack for a moment as I almost was able to breathe before my body weight crashed down with the help of madam gravity and I heard a thick *Crack* my neck snapping and my vision going dark.
I didn't hear Harry swearing, in honesty, it probably didn't happen, as with one dream fading, another would take its place.
Opening my eyes, I felt blood dripping from my eyelash. There would be blood. I wasn't ready for the monster, but I knew I must face him.
I inhaled, smelling the stench of death on my body. It felt good to my disgust. But I would be sure to face my demons as I got closer to the real.
Closer to ending this nightmare of my own creation.
Author's Note
Another tail finished
I feel like I'm reaching my zenith now. I thought that I didn't understand what direction I was going in, but now I realize... I think I needed this about as much as Siegefire. In a way, I'm letting go and moving on. Shaping up and choosing life.
I remember this one meanie comment I got calling Siege Fire a self-insert. He is NOT a self insert. I would hate to see myself in him... and yet...
Thank you for reading.
Bazinga to all you haters.
You cannot stop me. Nor socialism. It will overcome.
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
It was raining.
It was always raining in these things. Whenever there was a massacre or you'd lost your son to a killer with some paper skills and a trench coat. It felt like a Saturday night on the strip in mid-winter. At least, that's how I thought it would feel. Was I even American? Maybe I was a Swede? Maybe I liked meatballs, or maybe I was just a nomad. Traveling a lonely road. The only one that I had ever known.
Maybe my perception of reality, or at least the reality I thought I was clawing my way back to was entirely falsified. Maybe communism won? I liked to think it did. Or maybe there was no political spectrum? Maybe there was no humanity really? Just layers within layers of the onion to unpeel.
I shook my head in disgust. Now was not the time to descend back into the madness that was in my mind. I was back in the world I had committed such hateful crimes. My feet had never been so comfortable. My hooves felt right, protected from the damp soil by slippers.
Looking down in horror at the peeled and repurposed scaled skin of a little purple dragon I winced and kicked them off one by one, an eyeball rolling out of the one that had been on my back hoof. "Fuck..."
I sank to my haunches and felt tears well in my eyes. They were all imaginary. The ponies that was, but I'd felt such joy in killing them at the time. A release like no other. One that was not sexual or fulfilling in any way, a primal urge. Violence for the sake of violence. To inflict the most morally reprehensible acts upon people. Something that took their lives, their form and their dignity. Made them nothing. Something I have reveled in at the time in this world.
Nopony had been able to stop me from killing the Apples. I knew faux filly fiddling I'd done was bad, but in comparison, I looked like Mother Theresa when it came to this... though actually, Mother Theresa was apparently not as #blessed as they said she was. I had created a world once more where I was King, and I had used this power as I had before to dominate and control. In reality, I probably had no control over my life. This was an outlet. A murderous, raging outlet. A sandbox for my anger and frustration at how helpless I was.
This crazy train was at the station, and brother it was time to leave, one-way ticket outta town, midnight express. I looked around at the sodden fields around me. At the Spike Gucci. I couldn't justify here like I couldn't justify with Scoots. I knew why I'd done it. Frustration at my lack of control. Made manifest to complete control and murderous domination.
Taking Twilight's horn from my pocket, the horn I'd sawn from her skull hours prior I looked at the sharp tip, swallowing before ramming the edge into my gullet. Blood sprayed profusely as I gored a hole in my own neck, gurgling and spluttering as I tasted the metallic plasma. It was horror. All horror.
Emerging from the swamp near the pit was Harry, his muzzle coated in green and brown paint. His eyes were red and wide with complete loss as he stalked towards me. Had he been there originally? Was he waiting for my death? Did he even want to stop me now?
Harry stood over me, wordless for a change. Our eyes and minds connected. We had more of a conversation in that death glare than we'd had over the past millenia of trapped time and fake memories.
"Horror," he murmured before stamping his hoof into my skull, my brain splattering into the mud and my eyes popping out of my head, only to be mushed into a fine thin, watery paste.
Waking up with a worse head than before was truly a miraculous endeavor. Yet my past self had seemed to manage it, considering my brains were mashed potato and now I was completely hammered, in the streets of Ponyville, my cubano still lit, lying next to me where I woke up.
Smoking was bad for your health, but in terms of sins of the past few realms, I wasn't going to count this one. Sucking on the juicy fat cancer rod for all it was worth. Did Equestria have such a thing as fat cubanos? If not I definetely didn't want to live here anymore. Saying that, with such an intense inhale I began to hack my lungs up, feeling alocholic bile rise in my throat.
Funnily enough it didn't sting as much as the bile of the past several figments of my imagination. Particularly the Scoots realm. Indeed my entire personality seemed to be bile. Though If I was able to realize that, then maybe there was some hope. I just had to keep pushing forwards. And that required another death, so I got looking for a gate to trap my neck in, or perhaps a pair of garden shears sompony had left out. So long as it ended this existence quickly I was okay with it.
"Psst. Hey, Siege Fire, you got the shit?" Pinky asked her voice a surprise, considering I'd really gone off from the Mane-6 after around this time. Even Rainbow featured less and less as my rampage of self godlihood increased. Diverging from the mane characters of a show made in 2010 hadn't been my plan. Then again, there was no plan. It was more a set of desires and fantasies and frustration that I was coming to terms with now.
I understood that all now. I just had to get out. I wanted desperately to see if this was real or not. I couldn't remember anything about my human life. Not Steven's life but the real me. Was I over 6ft? Was I a sigma or a beta? Even now these thoughts I knew were toxic, which probably didn't bode well for the real me.
"Pinkie fuck off. I shouldn't have covered for you with that Happy Dust. Drugs are bad M'kay. I've watched a ton of cartoons and they've all told me, that drugs are nooo good." I had a faint recollection of a man in a grey suit with a red bow tie holding up a cylinder of crack, but then it was gone again from my memory. My real memory.
"Fuck if I know what real is anymore," I said aloud.
Tell me about it.
Pinkie's mane seemed to droop with sadness, hearing my words. "You... you said a swear. That's not pog, champ." She sniffled, looking like she was going to cry. I had to remember I was dealing with a bunch of children's cartoons. Heck, the fact I was myself currently manifested as a cartoon was fucky enough. But now, this was taking the cake. The pound cake.
I sighed and wondered if I could convince Pinky to kill me. Then again that would just be enforcing that negative crazy-ass stereotype that she was a sociopath read to snap at a moment's notice and shove glass into various parts of her genitals. I might have messed up, but I got these ideas from someone else. I was in no way original in anything that I'd dreamed up. I had to digress I was probably a terrible creative.
I snapped my hoof together and realized "Yo, Pinkie. Still have the Party Cannon baby darling?" I looked at her like a plan was coming together, but she just looked like a junkie scorned. "Come on, I'm sorry about the swear. But if you fire me out of your party cannon aimed at 90 degrees then I'll give your precious cranium a real buzz by upgrading you to Meth."
The droop in her mane went rock hard at the mention of a better high. "OH BOY! YESYESYESYAAAASYESYESYES!!!!!" she screeched, bouncing around at the prospect of becoming a new pharmaceutical test subject. No bleeding heart liberals were going to get in her way.
I was conscious that Harry was still around most likely. Probably hiding under a plant pot with some chloroform. I'd wasted enough life in this place, if he got me at this point, I doubted he'd make a mistake. It was a race for my life, and ironically that meant I needed to die as quickly as I could. I had to get out of this place, if it's the last thing I ever did.
Pinkie wheeled in the cannon from thin air and grinned at me. "SO ya gonna give me this M e t h now or after?"
"After Pinkie, promise." I smiled weakly. I was deceiving her, but I wasn't going to feel bad about not following through on a drug deal with a figment of my fucked imagination.
I climbed into the cannon, and to my surprise, or possibly lack of surprise I could smell the cocaine that had been smuggled into it. The trace amount obviously had gone up Pinkie's nose, but the trace amount certainly made me feel alive. My manhood grew, signifying confidence.
The cannon rotated on its axle and pointed upwards. I could see Luna's moon, my head still in a daze from the alcohol and now trace coke in my system. "Ready there Siegey?"
"I always wanted to see the stars," I murmured, before announcing "Hit it baby darling."
I felt the *POMF* as the cannon shot me skyward. I got about 50ft of air, really impressive considering the low amount of explosive used in it. Thankfully, I knew to aim my head for the ground. The last thing I wanted was a repeat of that fucking ladder. That had been an agonizing 2 weeks. It had felt like 6 weeks, to be honest as the grafted metal to my bones, and re-routed systems were crushed by the ladder and Harry's bitch pudding ass.
Harry hadn't shown his face this time. I wasn't sure if I should be worried or not, but when I felt my neck connect with the ground, I knew that it was thankfully over. I had successfully killed myself yet again.
Only four more times and I would be free.
Will you though? Will you ever be free? Is there any coming back from the madness? There is no method to it Alice.
"Shut the fuck up you dumb bitch. I know what I have to do, just let me figure it out on my own. I can fix myself, I'm a big boy. At least... I hope I am. Hell maybe I'm a girl? Or maybe I'm a dream inside a dream. Either way, I'm tired of these little self-talks. I would prefer you keep your muzzle out of my fucking crazy hallucination. GOT IT!?"
I was screaming into my own head. but as the darkness dissipated I knew that I was once again right. I didn't need to know anymore. I had faced the worst of it. Now I was on a smooth track back to reality.
At least... that was what I thought...
Waking up on a cloud there was a flash of the Judo-Christian notion of heaven before I threw away those strange thoughts. What a bizarre dream.
Man I'd drank a little too much cider the other day at that Apple Frack's farm. Must have really clouded my mind. Good thing I was so cool, hanging up here in the clouds whilst all the other jabronys. I snorted and cleared my throat, arching my back and stretching my wings. Wings of solid iron. My wings of redemption.
"Frick, this is a good afternoon for some HARDCORE FLYING," I grinned, waving my metal as-heck Rainbow mane about before zipping into the sky so fast that the sound barrier had to file a speeding complaint.
I'm so awesome. Literally the fastest thing alive. The fastest thing alive. The fastest thing alliiiiiveeee!
I was on top of the world. Literally. Hovering comfortably at around 40,000 feet. I had a pretty good view of Equestria, Yak-Yakistan, The Crystal Empire, The glorious Socialist Soviet Republic of the Town, and the Gryphon Kingdom's, recently celebrating the coronation of their new King and his thick talons.
How stupid everyone was down below. Reading. Talking about 'politics' and about gems this and gems that. What you needed was some fast fliers, a crack team of butt-kicking fighters and even some mud ponies that could maybe hold the spears.,
I let off a sonic rain-boom. It was a cracker. The sky exploded with rainbow jizzle and glitter as I shot another 80,000ft into the air. Speaking of air, it was getting rather thin now, but that wasn't going to stop me. I was 150% genetically difference baby.
Hell maybe now was the time to show everyone just how awesome I truly was. How inspiring and fiery. How beautiful and yet humble at the same time. Not to say nothing about the gifts I was porn with. Namely these wings of fire. These hooves of steel, this brain of braun and this flank or thicness.
I was a total package, and I had to thank my friends for truly helping me acknowledge just how awesome I was.
I rose into the air, feeling as icicles froze on my fur. Double Rainbooms were for wimps. Today was the day that a Triple-Rainboom blew every little foal's eardrum and blinded the fillies and colts. Reaching 32999.83ft high I was now holding my breath. Of course, I could hold my breath for a record-setting 22 minutes, and not only could I hold it the longest, but the fastest.
Now I dove down, my wings extending their flaps for everyone to see and my ailerons matching the wind forces as I banked from side to side. If I'd had a speedometer It would have killed itself from stress. It just couldn't keep up with me. The only thing that could withstand such force was my bro. Tank. Whom I loved so much. Precious Tank, I would do this for him. Well 1% for him but 99% for me, the Boomer.
I felt as a single Rainboom rocked my socks. Another following and I wasn't even halfway down. I felt like I could pull off and do a double Rainboom now and call it a day, but there was no quitting now baby. I was in it to win it. I had to pay if I wanted to play and as I dropped ft in the 10,000 margin I realised I was going to run out of air.
Screw it, I'll go through the planet. It'll be fine.
With newfound confidence to aim for the bushes, I extended my hooves as far as I could and really turned on the gas. I felt as my flesh started to melt away, my hair burning into cinders and my speed resistant feathers were charring. It was now or never!
Smashing into the ground with 2.30 x 10 to the power of 32 joules worth of energy. The ground didn't crack, more it melted into plasma as it pierced the crust of the planet and smashed into the molten lava gooey core.
Ponyvilled being so close to the epicenter of the destruction was instantly evaporated. Engulfed by the blast fire of Rainboom radiation. The only solace is that most of them earned a quick and painless death. With the exception of Tank, whom unfortunately had a shell containing iron which resisted the fire only to cook him alive very slowly over a course of 5 minutes.
Canterlot was in the distance, but the mount side fractured on its tectonic as the whole plate was raised upwards from Rainbow's momentum, making the old mountain an active volcano as it exploded. The Princesses did nothing as usual to save their citizens and indeed instead they sent a note to Twilight for assistance. Though they only got as far as 'Dear' before a large chunk of boulder squashed the palace.
Twilight was however not in Ponyville, but visiting her brother/friend with benefits. The resulting explosion formed a mega Rainbow mushroom cloud and when the shock wave hit she was, unfortunately, standing in front of a large pane glass window. The resulting shards eviscerated her body so much that it was hard to tell where each part of Twilight began. Unfortunately equally she was holding her baby darling niece Flurryheart, who unfortunately became Mcflurryheart at the same time Twilight lost her sense of full body.
The whole world began to burn, plates shifting and mega-volcanos erupting, the world descending into an ash pile. Survivors would eke out a living for a few years before all the food ran out, a Rainboom winter descended on the lands and life ceased to exist.
Rainbow floated absently in low-Equestrian orbit, watching what her handiwork had caused. She let a small tear fall that instantly froze. The only reason she hadn't frozen is that she was already too cool.
"Siegefire... wherever you are... I'm sorry."
She looked back at the destroyed world. She had done that. A single pony with the power and speed of a God. A world killer. A planet cracker. She was probably the greatest pony. She licked her lips to speak, saliva sizzling in the zero-G.
"Worth."
Author's Note
This was a really hard chapter to write. I had held Rainbow up to such a high standard in my mind, but in reality, like Steven, I've come to realize that you shouldn't base a cult of personality around a fictional character.
I'm starting to think maybe waifus aren't healthy, even though months ago I would have called someone out for slander like that.
On another note, I actually met a decent girl at Walmart the other day. I was watching My Hero Academia on my phone in the corner of the break room. She's like temping but she came over and said hi and now we're going out. It's really nice to be able to talk in real life to someone. I think maybe I should have tried to make IRL friends before. Anyway. I'll save the details for a blog.
Anyway hope you're all well. Thank you for reading.
Haters you can say what you like, but this story IS still my greatest achievement. In a way, I think it's helping much more to write it these days.
Ciao for now everpony
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
I jumped up like a cat, my back arching and my eyes wide and alert. My body was far more streamlined and I felt like I had a smaller muzzle. I was a female, my name was 'Scarlet Fire' in this realm. All I could remember from the last realm was how deeply rooted I was in Rainbow's train of thought. A runaway train to say the least.
"Blowing through a planet is pretty badass I suppose. Is that how I see her? Or was I projecting through her? Why am I a chica?"
Confusion? Longing? Perversion?
"Didn't I tell you to fuck off?" I growled lowly under my breath, the higher-pitched voice sounding sweet on my lips. I was outside in Ponyville, about a street away from Elusive's place, at least that was his male version's name.
What caused me to delve deeper into my own madness and switch realms? Did I make an unconscious decision when I was bored of something? I'd started off pretty tame but the longer I'd been trapped inside of myself the more extreme I'd gotten. Where would I have gone had I not stopped when I did? Was there anywhere else to go after genocide and totalitarian states?
I wiggled.
There was no point in justifying the past now. I'd established that. I felt some form of clarity from my previous deep dive's into my soul. I was messed up, but I knew it. I had to stay the course now. Reach the end.
Once again I had to kill myself to live.
Out with the old, in with the new.
To bloom I had to wilt.
I rubbed my hooves together. "Well fantasy about being a mare or not, I need a good party cannon or some spiky metal gates and a roof. Where's Bubble when you need em'?"
I half expected them to pop out, as they usually did. However I knew that Pinkie's secret at least was that she was on so much coke, she was running around aimlessly and always able to be where she was mentioned. Bubble might be clean, or at least an alcoholic at the most. Alcoholics couldn't help me out of this situation. Not before they'd helped themselves at least...
I started looking around town for a way out. Everything was decorated to be a cute cake-inspired town. The roofs to the gates to the carts were all pretty un-suicidable. I guess this was a paradise for the quiet kid. There was no way out in Ponyville. At least, not that I could see.
I found an empty house on the side of a street and broke in. Pretty easy with a deft kick from my back hooves. It was wishful thinking that the Ponyville Police Department would come and shoot me in the back 69 times. They were probably staking out some glitter robbery downtown. If you could say Ponyville had a downtown, it was more like a central street with a railroad connection.
Probably where Pinkie gets the coke from.
"Seriously, you're meant to be indulging me less. You're certainly helping less. I feel like I'm the only one trying to kill ourselves. Myself? At this point."
Suddenly another voice piped up. "Uh, exquease me, I have a letter here for a Scarlet Fire?" a wacky but kind-sounding voice asked, stepping over the splintered door frame.
"Well, that is me I suppose, oh derpy one." I smiled, looking at the yellow cross-eyed grey mare in a postal uniform. I could see why she was a fan favorite. It was cute. Endearing I dare say. She passed me the letter and held it in her mouth. Unhygienic maybe, but I'd let it pass. I didn't plan to be here long. I would entertain her and then get back to finding something to kill myself in the kitchen. Maybe I'd get lucky and give myself a big ass paper-cut.
Reaching for the letter I sniffed and deftly opened it with a mute expression. It had my name on it but besides that, there was only Calvini font 30 bold in the center of the page that read 'Surprise Bitch!'
I reeled in shock but caught Derpy's hoof as I was knocked back, the mare, Derpy pulling off a very well-made rubber mask complete with functioning eyes to reveal none other... than HARRY!?
"Harold?" I questioned, so confused as he stalked towards me, his afro abuzz and his face upturning in a grin. "Stefano," he snickered, bemused that he'd gotten the drop on me. "You outran me in the last world. Impressive. I was too busy fucking your Mother to reach you in time to stop your sad little attempts to escape this reality. Just accept your fate and sit down."
I shook my head. "My Mother's dead," I replied stoically, Harry chuckling "I know... I killed her."
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
I threw a hoof /) but he dodged to the side. I forgot he was pretty cunning, so I tried a few manoeuvers of my own. I backhoofed (\ him after spinning to the side making sure to punctuate my attempts to hit him with a deft "Hwah."
"Face it fucko. You're bucked, lay down now, and stop this madness. We can still have fun together. We're not so different you and me? This is what you wanted. An escape from the real. And hey, you make a pretty cute mare. I bet our foals would be hella sweet."
"Fuck you Harry. Not today, not ever. This shit is over, can't you get it through your fucking thick skull? You're not real, you're just some messed up part of my mind trying to trap me in this schizoid dream of Equestria. You're not a soldier who liked MLP like me and came here because they killed themselves whilst feeling guilty over killing me. You're just a rube. A sad sap whose not real. A figment. You're nothin'. You got no talent. You got no skills. You got no friends. You got no family. Fuck you motherbucker!"
"What are you on about?" Harry asked perplexed, his rube mind not able to process my words. Admittedly, I might have rambled on a little, but at the end of the day, it needed to be said for both of us. Now, however, I was wasting time and started looking for a way out.
I began to think, standing off from Harry. This house must have cleaning products. I mean, it was still a conventional house with a cooker, but somehow I don't think Harry would let me stick my head in the over for 20 minutes. So cleaning products seemed pretty good, I just needed enough time to unscrew a cap...
"So Harry... what're your plans for me? You going to store me in cryostasis or lock me in a dungeon?" I winked at him. I don't know why, it just seemed like the right thing to do.
Harry cackled, launching into a long tirade about me. "First I'm going to beat you down here, like a dog. And when you've been knocked down but get up again, I'll beat you down again just so you know whose boss. Then, I'm getting you into a straight jacket. Hard for you to reach for the sharps wherever we go. I'll probably overthrow the Princesses, since it takes 4 weeks for them to contact Twilight I'll have a firm grasp on the Canterlot security forces. I'll build you a padded cell, just in case you think of breaking your neck or bashing your brains against the wall. Then after maybe 80 years in solitary, we can work on 'reconditioning' you. After all, I'm not the bad guy here. I just want what's best for us. What's best for us, is what I think is best. You're going to realize that I was right, and you were wrong. BUT, first of all, let's get that beatdown sorted."
His eyes de-glazed and he came out of his monologue as my mouth started to foam. I'd drank about 5 bottles of assorted cleaning products during that long tirade of utter bullshit. I'd finished off the lemon-flavored bleach. Not as good as the cherry flavored oven cleaner but it was doing the trick of dissolving the lining of my neck.
"For fuck sake," Harry cringed, coming over to me. "Can't you just not!?" he demanded, watching my eyes, bloodshot hyper-realistic blood eyes bleed. I couldn't help but smile. He looked worried. I only had two to go. I was nearly home, for whatever good that would be.
Waking I clawed at my throat, still feeling the ghost remnants of death claw at me. It wasn't a pretty death by any means, but at least it didn't take 2 weeks.
I was standing in Ponyville. I was my blue and aqua self. I was in the original world. The most accurate as depicted in the show. I had just come from my hanging and had met many of the mane 6. Truthfully it was a blur who exactly I'd met, but then again I wasn't really one for continuity when it came to these figments of my imagination. I could say that whilst this was an escape, it was a wholesome enough one. There was no violence in this world. No death or destruction. No anything but the peace of Ponyville and the shenanigans of its denizens.
I half expected Harry to fall out of a cloud or something. Probably call me a dweeb or a narc, but he didn't appear as of yet. I trotted into the library and instantly located a letter opener. Quick compared to some of these methods of suicide I had to say.
I heard Twilight humming up above. She peeked down and chuckled "Careful with that, it's sharp."
I briefly wondered where the scaly rat was before shaking my head. I took the knife and added it to my inventory, deciding it best not to get blood all over the books, even though I was pretty sure these 'worlds' if you could call them that, would simply cease to be upon my departure. Hell, they probably were only as fleshed out as they needed to be. There were no ponies living for example 100 miles away. If I traveled 100 miles I'm sure my mind would fill in the blanks, but speaking plainly they didn't exist. Nothing was real and although it was a charming rendition of a peaceful world, it wasn't the real world. I needed to take the red pill.
I had no idea where I'd gotten the notion of pills from, but my guess was it was from the real. I got the impression there was a lot from reality that I had inserted into the Equestrian world. It was pretty lazy if anything. The notion of taking one intellectual property or quote and smashing it into the land of ponies. I wasn't very original. I was nothing but a phony, a big fat phony pony.
I took a stroll through the town and down the path towards the Everfree forest. I looked around at where I had woken up. Where Fluttershy or maybe Applejack had found me. I couldn't quite recall which. Maybe back then that should have been the hint that something wasn't right. That this was all a dream, a fantasy, an illusion.
I leaned against the stone of the bridge, running my hooves over the coarse grit. It felt so real. The air I breathed, the feeling of the texture. I'd bet everything would feel like some form of life here. I must have had a brilliant imagination. Terrible, but brilliant.
I had come to some peace within myself. I already admitted my mistakes. My shortcomings. I wouldn't know the full picture until I was out. I knew that when I returned to the human world, I wasn't even out yet, at least I didn't think I would be. This whole mess was just layer after layer of escape. First into the notion of a military bond and a love of ponies, and then into the actual world of ponies itself, and finally into the deplorable degeneracy of my darkest desires and fantasies.
I toyed with the blunt knife as I watched the stream roll lazily on. I had a lot of thinking to do. In a way, I wished Harry would come from under the bridge like some kind of troll and make the decision easy. Maybe he knew that this was the best way to convince me to stay, cause admittedly... I was thinking about it.
How could I not? After all what was really out there for me. What waited for me beyond my mind. I felt like it would be naught but pain and suffering. A life without control. Without ponies for one, though at this point that was a blessing considering the harm I'd done to them.
Maybe this was the world I belonged in? The original world and my human flirt were a dream. A bad dream. I felt more natural here. I felt calmer than I had in what felt like decades and after all, I felt as if I'd lived decades in some of the other realms.
Don't try and turn yourself against reality. You know that this isn't the real world. I know you do. I know because I am you. You are me. Your mind might be damaged but you've been thinking clearer than ever before. You won't hear from me again, and indeed you may never achieve this level of lucid dreaming if you can call it that. But surely, it's a small price to pay, to wake up. To live your life and take back control. Take life by the reins!
I knew that I was right. That didn't make it any easier though. Suddenly there was a light gasp from behind, and turning I saw The Rainbow Dash. She was standing stock still, watching me with the knife, asking "H-hey, what are you doing there slugger? That from Twilight's?"
She began approaching cautiously and I raised the knife to my throat. "Stay back" I warned. I had felt such an obsession with her, and it was hard even now not to think of her as a total badass.
"Come on dude, you don't need to do that. We're all friends here. We don't know where you're from or what you're meant to do here, but I'm sure it'll be awesome. Please, I'm no good at this stuff but put the knife down and we'll go see Twilight. She'll know what to do."
She seemed genuinely concerned and my hoof wavered, the knife lowering slightly. "Besides, you'd miss my totally radical Rainboom performance later. It's going to be wicked sickness!"
I breathed small sigh of relief and frustration. "Yeah... you're not real. Dash would never say something like that."
I drew the blade very harshly across my throat, before puncturing my throat with a harsh push, stabbing my jugular as blood quickly began to burst forth from the gorey hole I tore with the knife.
"B-buck," I gurgled, grimacing as I sank to my haunches, watching as the stream rolled on, collapsing to my side as Rainbow trotted up to me, sighing "Fuck..." taking off a rubber mask, a common trope at this point, revealing themselves as Harry.
"See you in the final chapter dweeb. Looking forward to hanging out with ya."
Author's Note
It's all coming to a close now. For all of us. I wonder if people realize.
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return.
I awoke breathless. Unable to breathe. Unable to think. I could feel the constriction around my neck, the pounding in my head, veins throbbing and bulging from my forehead, and my face bloated. I heard faint screaming, a man calling for me to be cut down. I couldn't think, the pain of everything had me reeling.
All thoughts of ponies and Equestria were totally blitzed from my mind as I felt my body hit the floor with a hard thump. Coughing and choking as I felt hands upon my face, prying fingers getting under the rope crawling in my skin. The fingers hurt, and the rope had cut deep, bleeding me in places.
The memories of the dead deepened in my mind. For that was all they were now. Dead memories of dead ponies. They existed only as I remembered them, and the things I'd done to them. Was it all a dream? Was this happening?
I felt myself being propped up, and my swollen face felt light, my vision blurry as a man shone a directed shoulder lamp in my eyes. "Can you hear me son?" I heard him ask.
"Yes... I *cough* can he-hear you." I hacked up blood, the rope had clearly done more damage than I'd thought. My vision returned and I saw Harry on his knees with several of his cronies, and several other soldiers from my unit holding them at gunpoint.
"One of these turncoats had conscious. Called me on the radio. Sorry, I wasn't reviewing the exercise so close, I was called away to assess a terrorist threat. It was just one of those drone strikes, we'll get 'em' tomorrow." It was the Drill Sergeant, he patted my shoulder, shaking his head and explaining "We heard this fucker wanted to kill you the cause of your sexuality? Not in my Marines."
"Ooo-rah," called the other marines standing over. There were more lights now, my facial swelling going down as Harry came into focus, crying out "I didn't mean to go so far! I just wanted to teach the fag a lesson! I like my little pony as well! I just have better fucking taste!"
"My little who?" the Drill Sergeant asked. "Is this one of them Fortnite things? Fucking flunkies we gettin' these days, barely left diapers. Now we're scraping the bottom of the barrel. GOD DAMNIT!" He flung his hat down and with an exasperated groan said "You boys, is so green, you might as well be slapped on the side of a can of corn. Killing someone over some shitty video game is bad enough, but a fellow marine!? I'll see you three court-martialed and jailed for life. Hell, I'd line you up against the wall myself. Eye for an eye and shit. Just like Iraq."
Harry was on the floor in tie cuffs. He seemed to calm down a little and shuffled from the floor. He might have been up to something, but I was still so groggy it was hard to tell.
"S-sir, my little pony is a show made by Lauren Faust and features the main characters including Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy. It's like Game of Thrones, but way more interesting and evolved," I explained.
"So it's a kiddo show for little girls. Are you actually a homosexual? It's okay son, don't ask don't tell, and all that jazz. I can't say God or I agree with your lifestyle, but who am I to deny your degeneracy if it can serve this here United States of America, the greatest nation on the planet!"
I wanted to say Equestria was the best, but my head began to hurt, my nose bleeding, possibly from the brink of death I'd just escaped from, but something seemed... off.
Cause this isn't real still. It's just so close to reality you're starting to forget again. Don't forget, we need to get out of here.
I felt like I was losing my mind... Again. But just before I could think deeper on the matter, Harry broke free from his cuffs, flicking a pair of aviators from his side pouch on his vest he put them on, before pulling the Glock 19 with a 4-inch barrel, 15+1 capacity, and a railed frame from one of the guarding soldier's holsters and doing a back-flip.
He shot one in the eye and the other in the neck, before raising the gun at the Drill Sergeant. My mind went into Ulta-adreneline mode as time seemed to slow down. I hurriedly with lightning-fast reactions grabbed the Sergeant's gun and aimed it at Harry, in the middle of him saying "Nothing... perrsonnaalll.... kiiiiddddd."
*BANG*
Harry stood for a full few seconds, the gun slumping to his knees before he lost control of his hands and dropped it. He stumbled forward, his mouth uttering a faint "Dweeb," before he fell to his knees, the bullet in his brain killing him as his face mushed into the mud and blood of the floor. A fitting death for a monster. No ceremony. I put him down like a rabid dog.
The Sergeant looked shocked, two of his men having been killed by a rogue marine with a penchant for extreme bullying and of course lynching and now he'd committed treason. "I seriously have to talk to those recruitment guys. How this fucker made it past the psych eval brings a lot into question. Son, I owe you my life and a debt. Who knows what this monster would have done if he escaped? I'm giving you the medal of honor."
He pulled the bright gold medal from his chest pocket and I felt tears well up in my eyes. "This medal... it's an honor, sir!" I saluted, feeling pride as the rain pelted my face lightly. It was over. I had made it out of the madness and I was back in the real world.
I sighed as I heard the shots ring out. It was such a sad day. I had killed Harry, but the other two soldiers who'd been with the Drill Sergeant weren't so lucky. I watched as the kids and wives of the family filtered out of the cemetery. Wearing my ceremonial uniform for the funeral I shook their hands individually, the youngest child, Martha, holding a Rainbow Dash plush.
"Good taste, sorry for your loss, F" I sighed sadly, shaking her small hand before patting her on the head. These soldiers had died so that I could live. I would never forget their sacrifice. "So take your place of honor, among those who have gone before, and know you'll be remembered, for now, and evermore. Rest in peace guys."
I finished the poem and stepped up to their coffins, running my white-gloved hand over the mahogany-treated wood. It felt like the right thing to do. I pulled a set of Mane 6 stickers and put a Rarity on one and a Fluttershy on the other. It's what they would have wanted. The ponies would see them to the golden gates of Olympus."
Some of the crowd looked upon me with a frown, but they also knew I'd taken out Harry and so respected me. I saluted and felt a tear roll down my cheek before stepping away. I had one more stop to make.
Taking a black procession car I went to the other side of the graveyard. Harry wasn't allowed in the veterans plot. Due to his posthumous dishonorable discharge. Nobody had come to see him off, only the janitor was there, eating an egg mayo and cress sandwich whilst listening to Cemetary Gates by Panterra on his Sony walkman.
"You knew this guy? Piece o' shit I heard," he snorted, spitting onto the coffin a globule of mayo-spittle. "Watch it, he may have been a monster, but he was a brony."
The janitor looked at me with irreverence. Of course, he didn't know what I was talking about and he wandered off to finish his sandwich in peace. I put my hand on the coffin and sighed. I'd thought a lot about my death hallucinations. The thoughts of a dying brony. I was no longer a pony in Equestria yet I felt my travels through my inner mind had strengthened me. I ripped a spike sticker off and placed it on Harry's coffin. "It's all you deserve," I smiled, patting the wood before adding "And Rainbow is not over-hyped. She's got more personality than you ever will now. Dweeb."
I cleared my throat and uttered "The declaration predicates all free but compromise dilutes its moral core. You diluted that core to the nth degree, Harry. I hope you rot in Tartarus forever."
I left the Graveyard and sighed, lighting up a smoke and leaning against a tree. Watching as one side filled with family and friends filtered out of the Graveyard and the other, where the Janitor returned to start burying Harry's body. I felt no remorse, but I didn't feel happy either. I wanted to go home and catch the next episode of mlp. I heard they were also bringing a movie out. That was going to be awesome.
"What's the point in watching? You could have lived it, Dweeb," Harry said from over my shoulder. I spun on a dime, ready to combat the zombie of Harry, but there was nothing. "Fuck... hold it together," I murmured to myself. "You couldn't hold a fucking ream of A4 Paper, you dumb cunt."
It was Harry's voice again, and it was behind me, I spun again but he wasn't there. "You ghost fucker, that's it!"
I stormed over to the coffin with Harry's, prying open the lid, much to the Janitor's chagrin. "I will not have you being a psychological fucking ghost bitch, I'm going to teabag your fucking head whether you're alive or dead in there!" I called out, the Janitor running to get someone as I opened the coffin.
It hissed, under pressure and revealed nothing. There was nobody, just a set of unwanted textbooks from some school. "What the fuck?" I questioned and looked around. I hadn't shot him up, he wasn't disfigured beyond the bullet in his head. It made no sense to give him an undisclosed burial.
Maybe he had been cremated? Then why was there a gravestone if he had no family to mourn? I went to check the Spike sticker I had left and saw it had been replaced by The Rainbow Dash. I checked the sticker sheet, and it was full of nothing but Spikes. "What the fuck is going on!?"
"Wouldn't you like to know dweeb? You've forgotten so much. You still think this is real. I might be dead, but bitch I will fuck with your head every second I can. I will leer over you until you die a miserable death. Hopefully, in 80 years, I hope they lock you up and throw away the key."
Harry's words were right over my shoulder again, and this time I threw a fast punch, but it connected with nothing but thin air.
"I don't deserve this!" I screamed. "What the buck is your problem!?!?" I cried, tears streaming down my face. I had beaten the bullies. I had established after so long that you could be both a brony and a military. Why did I deserve psychological problems!? I was better than all of this. I didn't deserve my mind to turn on me, not after all the discrimination I'd faced whilst growing up!
Discrimination? This isn't real. Please, you're fighting me. You need to get out like you've been doing. You're so desperate for a persecution complex it's destroying you. If you stop now, you will die here, in the filth and madness you've created. Please, we want to live.
It was like a hand from the deep. A voice that picked me up on wings of gold and lifted me above. My mind hurt, burning in pain, throbbing in agony. "This isn't real, what's real? AM I REAL!? WHO AM I!?!??!?!?!?" I screamed.
"My name is Steven Fire, I am a Corporal in the 8th Infantry Regiment outside of Colorado. I am a Marine. I am a brony. I am a MILITARY BRONY! I am a person! I AM REAL!"
I collapsed into a ball on the floor, shaking and sweating. I was literally shaking right now, unable to process what everything meant. Was this the last stage? It felt so real. But then so did Equestria. If I killed myself now, I would lose it all. The respect, the brotherhood, and even the show maybe!? What was out there for me? Anything? Nothing? Everything? I didn't want to know and yet my body yearned and compelled me to find out. I needed to escape.
I had to finish, what I'd started.
I looked for any way out. A passing car, a cop with a gun. I saw the janitor marching back with a few grave hands and realised that there was a way out after all. I jumped into Harry's empty coffin, pushing the books aside. "Can't give me a minutes of peace without jumping into my grave huh?" He sneered from behind, but I ignored him. A manifestation of madness. Madness I was going to end, one way or another.
When the Janitor returned he explained "I thought he was messing with the coffin, but he probably was just doing some weird shit. Heard he's not all there, killed this fucker so probably has issues as well. Let's get this thing in, I need to go home, my daughter is watching a new episode of my little pony and I promised I'd watch it with her."
Damn... I'd forgotten the new episode was on tonight. Actually why did I care so much, I needed to stop thinking! This wasn't real, and even when I felt the *clunk* of dirt hitting the coffin I didn't think anything of it. Knowing that my death would be soon.
Little did I know. I thought that it took a minute to suffocate, but with the madness and adrenaline fading after 15 minutes with the sound of dirt as well, I realized that I would miss the episode of mlp and also that I was in for a long and painful death.
The first hour was okay, I breathed in a controlled manner and kept calm, but the walls of the coffin were drawing closer, and soon I began to hyperventilate. Being Trapped with only my own mind I began to question my logic. I had just shot a fellow soldier a week ago and also been hung by the neck by him and my comrades. I was probably going through an episode of PTSD and had just made a bad decision. It didn't explain Harry's missing body, but there were plenty of other sound mind explanations.
"Hey... HEY! LEMME OUT LEMME OUTTA HERE FUCK NO LEMME OUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! NONONONONONO Wait wait wait... WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT!!" I screamed, banging on the coffin, pleading with someone to hear me.
Nobody came for me, and I heard Harry's laughing, taunting voice. There the time, telling me what a rube I was. How only an idiot chooses to die by being buried alive.
Hours ticked by as I began to sweat and turn. I was breathing faster, trying to stay calm but unable to. Was this it? Was my last act to commit suicide? If there was a God I would never see his pearly gates due to committing suicide. "Please Lord, Jesus. Rainbow Dash. PLEASE SAVE ME!" I cried, sobbing into the funeral fabrics. Did I deserve this? I felt like I didn't, but another small part of me felt like I did.
I would see who was right soon, I felt sleepy and tired. Like a toddler who'd cried themselves out. There was no more fighting to do. There was no more marching to march.
I was a good soldier. I was a good brony. I was a great military brony, and I had finished my last mission. It was time to retire...
I felt myself slip away...
Waking up I felt the sleep covering my eyes crackle. I coughed, my throat as dry as the desert. Dust coated my face and I felt sweaty, smelly, and beyond disgusting. I shifted, my belly quite a size as I tried to sit up, finding that my muscles were almost akin to jelly. "What," I rasped, shifting onto my behind, sitting in the middle of my stained duvet.
I raised my fists, rubbing my eyes from the sleep, bloodshot and pained, looking around the dingy room. It was mid-day but the only light came from a segment of curtain that had detached from its rungs, letting in a dribble of outside.
Natural light showing the hell. The room was covered in filth. Pizza boxes lay around from all sorts of dates. Some are probably decades old and others only a few days, maybe weeks. I wasn't sure how long I'd been asleep. Sometimes I was able to sleep days, but this felt way worse...
There were empty cans of beer, energy drinks, and soda towered on my desk and side table. There was gunk growing from an empty ice cream bucket. Mold coated every corner of the room and several plates, at least the ones you could see. The rest of the floor was trodden in with clothes, trash, and shame.
There were posters of Evangelion, Cowboy beep-boop, and Beserk all across my wall, some damaged due to the lack of care in general. There were a few figurines of G1 ponies all around me though I didn't have an extensive collection I did enjoy the show for its colors. Twilight, Applejack, Posey, Gusty, and Fizzy were all here.
I looked a calendar that had fallen onto the floor, stained brown by what I hoped was coca-cola. It had March 25th circled with 'MATRIX' above. I remembered now. I'd gone to see the movie, been so enamored, and gotten blindingly hopped up on pills and drink. I looked at my side table, seeing the pills in question. MDMA, I'd probably taken half the bottle. Fuck, this was wild. I had been abusing myself and my body for years but after the film, I'd somehow convinced myself I could escape my shitty life with pills and alcohol to rub it out. Escape into a fantasy, the real world.
Suddenly I felt my stomach turn and I leaned over the side of the bed, vomiting up a sludge of green and brown. I felt terrible. I probably looked worse. I checked my digital watch and saw that it was on April 1st. So it hadn't been a day, it had been five. No wonder I felt extra terrible. I'd been in some sort of coma for a week. I'd probably been fired from my pizza delivery job and I definitely had shit myself.
I held my head in my hands. I had tried to escape my demons out here and had only made things worse. I had done such fucking weird and shit things in my mind and then backtracked to get out and see what my real life was. Turned out that it was a pile of absolute dogshit.
The irony of the date wasn't lost on me. This felt like some kind of out-of-season April Fool joke. Only it was in season, and also on the exact date.
I wanted to weep but was so dehydrated nothing came to me. I crawled to the bathroom and turned on the faucet, freshining up and staring into the mirror. This was it. This was really me.
Bloodshot brown eyes. I had long, combed-over black hair that was terribly styled. My beard was patchy and amounted to peach fuzz all across my neck. My flabby chin amounted to just under 3, and my face was stained yellow from vomit and other things I'd probably spewed out in my five days.
"So this is what I came back for huh?" a deep voice asked. It was my voice. I wasn't in the military, and I was barely a little pony fan. Billy Roberts was my name. I had a mediocre High School education. I had never had a girlfriend, I was terribly overweight and depressed.
I smiled at the face in front of me. How many times had I hated that look? Hated me and wanted an out. I'd taken anti-depressants, alcohol, and weed. Anything to smother the pain. I'd eaten myself happy and I'd escaped into the worlds of anime, mlp, and gaming. Sims City and Sonic and all sorts of fake things that made me temporarily happy. I'd created so many worlds and stories all off the top of my head, and that had probably contributed to the madness of my self-induced pill coma.
I didn't want to hurt the face in front of me, and neither did I pity it. I realized now that this was the chance I needed. Maybe I would never be successful or special. Maybe I'd never have people depend on me, but that didn't matter. No, what really mattered was my own health and state of mind, and I was going to change that, starting from right now.
I turned the faucet and the shower kicked into life. I was going to get myself clean, and then get clean. I was going to muck out the dirt and the grime of my rented room and then I was going to do some laundry. I'd lost my job that was clear, but I still had some savings. When I'd sorted out my home, I was going to get back on the horse. Finding another job, maybe delivering food was too much of a temptation. Maybe I could get something a little more active, like a waiter role? So long as I cleaned myself up a bit I was sure I'd be okay.
I looked back at the face and let out a yellowed smile, my dental hygiene was not the greatest either. I would change that though. Everything was in my control.
I just had to take the first step.
Maybe if I worked hard I could become a comic book artist? Or perhaps even a writer? The world was my oyster, but I could only dream. Now was the time for work, and I was happy. For the first time in a long time, genuine happiness. This was my life, it wasn't much but it was mine. I would make it better. I would be better.
Sipping on my coffee I checked my Rolex and sighed happily. I looked out at the city of New York and smiled. It was far more enamoring than my country bumpkin town in the mid-west.
I owned the office I was in. I owned the floor in fact and had several people working for me. Things had gone well in the past two years. I had changed so much and many people had congratulated me on my efforts to alter my life.
I had dropped 300 pounds in the first year of my new lifestyle. I had met my wife at the gym, funnily enough, Margret, the woman who I could honestly say had pushed me to be better. I was now a healthy 110 pounds and pretty chiseled, having lost the weight but gained a significant amount of muscle. I had started out as a bartender, ironically I hadn't touched a drop of alcohol in 2 and a half years. I smiled, pearly whites glistening in the window, my thin shaved face staring back at me.
I thought about it all. How I'd done art at night school. Passionately practice in my off time and sometimes at work. I'd gotten a job for 6 months at a comic book company and in my free time used what I'd learned to start this business. Dark Pony Comics. The company had just sold 5 million copies of my first original story-line, where a young man fights his inner demons in a magical world. A story from the heart, I had taken a lot of inspiration, not that anybody could tell.
I still recalled my time in 'Equestria' a land I had obscurely made up with all new characters and scenarios. Frankly, it was impressive, but the dark things I had done hadn't defined me. If anything it had proven that although I had been in a hole, I was capable and had managed to climb out of it. For that I was grateful for the horrific few days I'd lain in a coma.
I exited my office and smiled. My staff was holding a celebration today for the 1 year anniversary of the company. I looked up at the banner on the wall which read 'Happy 1 Year Anniversary, September 11th 2001!' everyone enjoying a nice piece of cake.
Julien, a hire from Puerto Rico thrust a piece of cake into my hands. "Here you go, sir! It's fudge!"
I smiled graciously but declined. "Sorry Julien, but Mommy's back at home and nearly at term and this Dad has to stay in shape to run track, that's what I'll need to keep up with the little nipper in a year's time. I've got my whole life ahead of me, and I've got to stay healthy. Please, enjoy the party."
"Sure thing boss, but you're missing outttttt!"
I sighed and smiled. I'd built a lovely staff here on floor 97 of the tower. New York was definitely the best place to pick a company like this. I had made Dark Pony Comics global and we were on track for 10 million in sales with our next comic series.
I stared out the window on this bright and clear Tuesday morning. Looking at my watch again I saw it was 8:44 am. My secretary came up to me and asked "This is the new image for Siege Fire you wanted for the comics. How old was he to be?"
I looked down at the picture of a stallion. "28, the same age as me two years ago."
"I should be able to remember that, that's right..." she trailed off, looking out of the window with me as my eyes glazed over in thought.
"What a day," she murmured, standing back and folding her arms. I looked out over the expanse, thinking about saying something.
In the end, I let her words hang in the air. There was nothing more to say. I felt as if my soul was leaving my body, panning out from the window and zooming outwards into the empty space beyond the twin towers.
Remember Me.
Author's Note
The fiction is over. I feel complete. I will probably take some questions, but essentially I have decided to move on. I will update this in a blog, but I hope you have all enjoyed reading this passion project over the past 7 years. I think it is time to move on.
My thanks to you all and to the inspiration of My Little Pony, The Big Bang Theory, Sonichu, Nostalgia Critic and numerous Animes and Manjas.
Signing off, for the last time
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter 5: The Story Derails
After meeting Rarity, I realised I didn’t have a home to go to and was aware that the moon would rise soon and the Summer Solstice would commence in the morning. My first idea was to see Princess Celestia, but that pony always annoyed me as a character of the show.
She knew certain events would happen to the world and instead of saving the day before anything bad happened, she let her student do it all and pretend it was all a lesson in friendship? That doesn’t sound like a decent leader to me, more like a lazy one who didn’t care about her student or nation.
Actually, she wouldn’t even be around yet. I can’t remember why though, I don’t believe it was fully explained in the show, something open for interpretation. Twilight will come to save her in the end anyway.
This meant that I had to speak with the next in line of authority, which would be Mayor Mare. I imagined it would be rude to appear before her unscheduled, but I had to find somewhere to live, since I was guessing that I wouldn’t be going anywhere for a while.
Once i found the town hall, I knocked against the door. Putting my ear to the wall, my Fedora tipping slightly. I detected the tip tap of hooves on the marble floors and waited patiently, she came out wearing nothing but her glorious lime green fedora.
“Ah, hello there!” she yawned tiredly. “So, what brings you here at this time?” “I’m so sorry” I tipped. “I am a newpony around here and I have no home to live in, I was wondering if the government in Ponyville might be able to assist me in some way?”
Mayor Mare’s eyes widened and she exclaimed “Oh my, this is serious! Why, come in, come in and tell me all about it” with that she ushered me inside her office and abode. “I’m so sorry about this, I didn’t realise we had a new arrival today. Where have you come from?”
It was a question that I had not been prepared to answer. Although looking back on it, I probably should have gotten my story straight before appearing before any kind of authority. I mean I was obviously not going to tell her about where I’d actually come from. “Well, I… I come from Griffinstone?”
“Darn” I cursed in my head. “Could I have guessed a less convincing location? How am I going to get out of this one?”
“Griffinstone? But you’re a pony, how can that be?” “I was raised by Griffin’s, you see” I lied through my teeth, trying to put in a convincing smile, my Fedora tipping over my eye. “I’ve lived there all this time, but I want to live with my own kind” I finished, adjusting my Fedora. “I see, what is your name?” she asked politely, to which I replied in post haste, “Siege Fire”.
“Let me see if I can find you an available property on the market.” She began to browse through tens of millions of folders. “Well, this home is vacant. I wish I could give it to you immediately, but there’s a lot of paperwork that must be done beforehoof. I don’t suppose you know anypony who could put you up for the night per chance?”
I remembered that I had only met Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash for a short period of time and felt that those would be my best options. Who to talk to, though? It was simplistic enough, Pinkie Pie would be the only one I’d imagine being awake right now and I didn’t want to intrude and wake somepony else at this time of night.
“I think I may have somepony in mind” I said as I stroked my muzzle and made sure my Fedora was on straight. With that, Mayor Mare asked me a few more questions and before long we shook hooves and departed, myself heading toward Pinkie Pie’s home at Sugarcube Corner.
Discovering the lights inside of the house to be on, I knocked against the door. It only took her a moment to open the door with a great big grin upon her face. “Hey there, new pony!” “Haha! You remember me?!” I chuckled. “I’m just some nopony from this morning who was in the Everfree Forest by chance.”
“Don’t be silly! Pinkie never forgets a face. So, what did you knock for?” she smiled innocently. I was so swept up by her enthusiasm I had forgot why I had came for the slightest moment. “I just wanted to visit. May I come in?” “May you?! I’ve been waiting for someone to come over all day!” she cheered, literally pulling me inside as fast as a Wonderbolt Captain.
It was clear she was currently in the progress of a party by herself, judging by the various streamers laid across the floor and obnoxiously loud dance music. I felt so bad for her, was this what she did with her spare time? I was particularly glad I visited now.
“So tell me!” she bounced around me in circles. “Do you like parties? I love parties. I want to see you party!” She begun to dance vibrantly and I felt embarrassed, I had never even attempted to dance back as a human. Well, there was one exception I suppose…
*Flashback*
I was at a popular nightclub at the time. I was still in secondary school, but I had a convincing fake ID and managed to sneak inside. I didn’t blend in that well with the ordinary folk, having my favourite Rainbow Dash and Derpy plushie with me along with a Luna shirt on my back. I was with another friend, a more social one and he tried to break me out of my shell.
He thought it would be a fantastic idea to shove me into the middle of the crowd, where hundreds of eyes were looking straight at me, it sent me as timid as Fluttershy. I was so terrified, my body begun to dance. I hoped it would get them to forget about me, about what I was carrying but instead they laughed. Cold and hard laughter that cut through my soul and sent me crying out of the club.
I cried for days after that, but with someone as nice as Pinkie Pie I knew I wouldn’t have the same response.
*End flashback*
I stared at Pinkie and after some reluctance that gradually disappeared, I began to awkwardly move my hooves as she bounced across the room, really showing me all she had. I myself being not so used to the pony physique was not as agile as her, but I thought that I gave it my best.
“Gee you’re not bad at all, imagine if there was CAKEKEEEEEE!!!!!! AND BAAAAALLLLLLLLOOOOOOONNNNNNNNSSSSS AND MORE CAAAKAEKKKEEEEEE!!!” Pinkie exclaimed quite madly as I chuckled awkwardly, seeing that she was clearly more energetic than the show depicted her as being.
“So uh… Pinkie I just wanted to ask you if it would be possible, you know since you’re a real good sport of a pony if maybe you could… uh is there something wrong with your wall?” I pointed to the sideboard by Pinkie’s dresser, which appeared to be a little loose.
Pinkie’s manner instantly switched from that of a crazy party pony to that of a pony who was very guarded and I honestly had only seen her like this a few times in the show.
“Why’d you wanna know what’s in my wall!? You like some kinda spy or sumthin!?” she said, pulling out a magnifying glass and tipping her pink and glittery Fedora to the side, angling it in a way that could only be described as being quite suspicious.
“Pinkie, I really only came to ask if I could stay the night, until Mayor Mare sorts out some paperwork for a property lease for tomorrow but uh… you seem to be acting a little strange and I’m sorry if this question might be overstepping my boundaries as a guest here, but there is obviously something hidden in that wall that you don’t want me to see.”
Pinkie blinked rapidly as if she was trying to understand what I had just said and I went on to explain with some frustration “Pinkie I really think that whatever you have in there is not anything to do with cake or partying, so maybe you should spill the beans.
Pinkie’s eyes flitted from side to side and suddenly she checked her stopwatch that seemed to materialise out of nowhere and exclaimed “OH! Look at the time, guess you should be off now. Can’t have anypony over tonight got a lot of uh… cakes and stuff to uh… eat… I mean uh… bake!”
Something was terribly wrong, this was truly out of character. I leapt toward the sideboard and she dived after me. She knocked me to the ground, but it was too late. A bag of white powder slipped out and dropped to the floor, at which my jaw dropped. “Pinkie, I…”
“Please please please please please pleeeaaase don’t tell anypony” she begged me. “Is this cocaine? How?” “I just have it once in a while when I’m all alone! Please, no-one must know.” “Who supplied you?” “I can’t tell.” “Pinkie, I need to know.” Her face went red with built-up panic.
My face scrunched up in a mixture of shock and rage. How could Pinkie Pie, the happy, party pony extraordinaire be a coke head!? I mean, Equestria had never shown any sign of having drugs in it but… I was at a loss, I had no idea what to think.
“Okay okay!” she cried out. “It’s Mayor Mare, she supplies it to me. Please, you can’t tell anyone; she’ll lose her job and I’ll lose my supply and I ca-can…” she began to hyperventilate so I held a hoof up and said “H-Hey, don’t worry” I comforted her with a devilish idea that only the darkest of low wit minds could concoct. “I won’t let anything bad happen, if you do me a favour. I need you to come with me to Mayor Mare.”
She was reluctant at first, shaking her head and begging me again not to tell, but I convinced her it would be in her favour and she agreed. We trotted over and knocked at the door of the town hall, Mayor Mare answered the door with a smile on her face at first, but her smile dropped a little when she noticed Pinkie Pie accompanied me. “Why hello, is there something I can do? I’m sorting out the paperwork right now it should be ready tomorrow… do you happen to know Pinkie Pie?”
“Ah, I don’t think that will be necessary” I smirked, letting myself inside without asking. “You see, I know of this little… drug scandal going on between you and Pinkie and I must say, I am shocked.” “What? I have no idea what you’re talking about” she frowned with sweat dripping from her face. “I saw the stash of cocaine, I have proof! You can’t deny, I will shut your operation down!”
“Pinkie Pie, how could you tell!?” she scolded the almost snivelling pink pony behind me. “I will be cutting your supply for this, you’ll never snort another line!” “Haha, no no no” I pointed out, tsking at her as I put a hoof over her shoulder. “You’re doubling her supply. You see, I have an ultimatum. Either you meet our demands, or we tell everypony about you supplying this illegal drug to Pinkie, an innocent pony whose mind you warped using cocaine and meth.”
Mayor Mare’s eyes looked at me quizzically and she replied “But I don’t sell meth, I only supply Coke to a few ponies around town.” I chuckled and prodded her chest and replied “I don’t think the Princess will care when she arrives tomorrow night, don’t you think?”
Mayor Mare’s face contorted in anger and her eyes burned with a dark shade of red. “You wouldn’t dare! Pinkie Pie would be in big trouble too, she’d lose her job and her tenement at Sugarcube Corner.”
“Is it worth it though? Come on, you don’t want to be found out, so our demands are that you double her supply and you give me the house you were looking at with no paperwork and no questions, free of charge. Otherwise, your life as Mayor is over, Mare.” She gulped audibly and cursed under the moonlight.
“Well, I suppose that this can be… arranged” she spat and shimmied away from me, trotting to the centre of town hall where some chairs had already been set up for tomorrow. “Fine, but don’t expect me to make things easy for you here”.
She gave me directions to the home and passed Pinkie an extra bag and a most fierce look. After that, we went our separate ways and I went to my new home, Pinkie accompanying me and looking both cheerful and confused.
“You are totally AMAZING!!!” she cried when we were far enough away from the Town Hall. “I mean I thought you were going to bust our little dealings wide open, but you were like totally cool and everything and I get a free bag of coke per week? How can I ever repay you!?!?!” she grinned happily as we arrived at my new home, a quaint little place, like many of the other houses in town with bay windows and well painted doors and window frames.
I opened the door and it swung open quietly, revealing my fully furnished new abode. “Well… maybe we can figure out a few things, Pinkie… maybe you can bring your bag of happy dust and yourself inside and we’ll… talk about it” I smiled as even more devilish ideas came to mind.
Pinkie stared at me innocently but smiled and nodded happily, bouncing into my new home as I closed the door behind me and turned on the light.
“Make yourself comfortable Pinkie and we’ll talk about how you can… repay me.”
How I, a Military Brony Became a Pony in Equestria
Chapter 14: Princess Celestia's Final Stand
Author's Note
There is no new chapter today.
I am sorry.
