Chapters Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Author's Note
Once again, if you have not yet read the last chapter of Cards Against Humans and Ponies of All Kind , I would suggest you do so before continuing.
Other than that, have fun!
Also, any custom card that appears in this story will be shown in green text.
Here We Go Again...
Tiny flicks of light dissipated from around me and the 6 ponies standing around me. When everything cleared, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was standing in the middle of the throne room of Twilight's castle. It looked a bit smaller in real life, but I knew from long ago that everything looked bigger on TV.
"Wow..." I said, taking in the 3-dimensional sights of the throne room for the first time, "This place looks even better in person!"
The purple alicorn beside me giggled. "Thanks!" she replied, her attitude sporting a hefty dose of giddiness, "I know you probably want to see the rest of the place, but I can't wait to play that game again!"
"Yeah! Neither can I!" Rainbow Dash added as she hovered in front of me. The cyan pegasus then gave Twilight her signature competitive look before continuing. "And this time, I'm gonna kick your flank so hard, Twilight!"
"Oh, I don't know about that , Rainbow," Twilight replied, giving Rainbow a coy grin, "After all, I'm inviting some...special guests to come and join us for this next game."
"Wait, huh?" Rainbow and I replied in unison.
"You didn't tell me you were inviting others, Twilight," I spoke.
"Who are you bringing?" Rainbow asked.
"Oh..." Twilight replied, casually dragging her left forehoof on the floor while looking down, "You'll just have to wait and see," she finished with a suggestive smile while looking back up at the pegasus and I. She then turned to face Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity and asked, "You four okay sitting this one out? I get the feeling you're not in the mood for two straight games."
"Um...yes, please, Twilight," Fluttershy timidly replied, "That game was really fun toward the end, but I don't know if I can sit through another round just now."
"Same here, Twi," Applejack said, "I gotta get back to the farm. My family doesn't know why I even left."
"Well, I have several orders that I was planning to fill after we got back, so I must be on my way," Rarity spoke.
"Awww..." Pinkie Pie said, her head lowering slightly, "I wish I could play again, but I promised Mr. and Mrs. Cake that I would help them cater an event in Dodge Junction later tonight."
"Sorry, girls," I eventually said, "I wish you could play, too. It was fun while it lasted."
"Why, thank you, darling," Rarity replied as she passed me by on her way out of the room.
"Bye, everypony!" Twilight said, waving goodbye to the four ponies who wouldn't be sticking around. They all said their respective farewells in return and were eventually out of sight.
Once it was just Twilight, Rainbow, and I, I looked down at the black box I was holding in my right hand. "Hey, Twilight," I began to ask, "Would the dining room be a good place to set up?"
"Sure!" the alicorn immediately replied.
With that, plus the excitement I had toward another wonderful game, I began to run out of the throne room before stopping in my tracks almost immediately. As my face sported a comically guilty expression, I turned back to Twilight and asked, "Uhhh...which way do I go?"
Twilight giggled again before pointing her right forehoof down the hall. "Third door on your right," she replied.
"Thanks," I replied before making a beeline for the dining room.
After a long period of shuffling and dividing the cards into random piles, I was all set for another game of Cards Against Humanity. Shortly after I had left the throne room, I heard Twilight call out Spike's name, and as I was headed toward my destination, I saw the young dragon scurry by me. I assumed he was needed to take a letter and send it to somepony, presumably Princess Celestia; however, I personally didn't think that the highest-ranked government official in Equestria would be up for a silly game like this. Then again, I couldn't quite jump to conclusions. She was Celestia, after all. Once that was finished, I just barely heard Twilight tell Spike to go enjoy himself elsewhere, mainly seeing if Rarity needed any help filling that order she had previously mentioned.
Once I had finished setting everything up, I asked Twilight to reduce the size of the dining room table. Even in person, it was still rather big, and I felt that some of us may have a hard time passing cards to each other. Once that was finished, Twilight decided to give me the tour of her castle she previously presumed I wanted, and she was correct on that. As she led me through the massive structure, I couldn't help but think how wonderful it was to actually be in Equestria. Never in my life did I imagine I would get to visit this wonderful land, let alone meet its inhabitants. My life would never be the same after this.
Just as we finished the tour, there was a knock on the door. Twilight gasped in excitement before saying, "They're here!" she immediately rushed to her front door and opened it, but when she did, I was completely taken aback. Standing in the doorway - and eventually walking through - were Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Discord. My jaw hung slack as I saw them in real life for the first time.
I turned my head to the right and looked Rainbow Dash in the eyes. I could tell that she wasn't expected the draconequus and trio of alicorns to appear, either.
"You made it!" Twilight said to her four guests, "Please come to the dining room!"
"Oh, Twilight you shouldn't have," Discord replied in a tone that easily mocked Rarity's, "You invited us all over for a dinner party, didn't you?"
"Not quite, Discord," Twilight replied.
"Is something wrong, Twilight?" Celestia asked.
"Your letter seemed rather urgent," Luna added.
"Oh, it's just something that I couldn't wait to try with all of you," Twilight replied in a tone that suggested she was up to something. I couldn't help but laugh internally at the others' obliviousness.
"Couldn't wait to try what?" Cadance asked.
"You'll see in a bit, but first, I'd like you to meet someone special." When the purple pony finished speaking, she led the other four over to me. She introduced me to them, and they all introduced themselves in return. It was thrilling to meet four beings from another world that I admired so much.
"You guys wanna head in?" I asked, "I'm sure you'll like what we've got in store for you."
Aside from Twilight, Rainbow, and I, Discord seemed the most eager to get started on whatever we were doing. "Well then, what are we waiting for?" he asked, eagerly, "Let's get this show on the road!"
With that, all seven of us went into Twilight's dining room. Twilight had already gotten a seventh chair set in place in preparation for this, so we were all ready to go.
"Take a seat, everyone," Twilight said.
We all then sat down, and as we did, Discord seemed to get even more excited. "Oh, it can't be!" the draconequus exclaimed, "You brought Cards Against Humanity to Equestria!?"
"Hey, they wanted me to," I replied, gesturing to Rainbow and Twilight on my left.
"I've played this game hundreds of times when I visited your world! Oh, I get such a kick out of it!"
"Wait, you've been to my world before?"
"Well, of course I have! How do you think I know this game so well?" He did have a point, there. After all, he was Discord, so I figured I 'oughta stop questioning his antics and move on with explaining this game to the three whom I assumed had no idea what we were talking about. However, I didn't have to worry about that, as Discord already knew the rules by heart.
"Sooo..." Cadance began after Discord finished explain the rules, "It's just a fill in the blank game?"
"Pretty much," I replied.
"Just wait 'til you see the cards!" Rainbow Dash said, "They're hilarious!"
"Oh?" Luna asked in reply.
"Yeah!" Twilight replied, "This isn't your typical everyday game."
A few seconds of silence ensued before I asked, "So, shall we take 10?"
"Absolutely!" Discord replied as he eagerly reached for his first ten cards. The rest of us followed suit, and I quickly skimmed over my hand to see which cards were god and/or bad.
"Hey, I remember this card!" Dash exclaimed as she looked at her hand, "I'm so gonna beat you Twilight!"
"Once again, Rainbow," Twilight replied in her normal tone as she casually looked through her cards, "We'll see."
Once those two finished speaking, I looked in front of me at the other 3 princesses. They each had wide eyes, and they remained silent for quite some time. Then, all of a sudden, Celestia laughed rather audibly. "Well!" she began, sounding very jovial, "This should be rather amusing!"
"I must say, I have to agree with you, sister!" Luna replied in a tone that was a little louder than her normal speaking voice, but nowhere near the Royal Canterlot Voice.
"Hahaha!" Cadance laughed out loud, "I've been looking everywhere for a game like this! Sure, it's a bit dark and all, but even Shining and I need a break like this once in a while! We won't be able to do this as much once the foal arrives."
Cadance was right. Upon initial inspection, she didn't look pregnant, but I knew something was up. "How far along are you, Cadance?" I asked.
"About 3 months," the pink alicorn replied.
"Cool!" I responded, "So, is everyone ready?"
"You mean ready to kick some purple princess plot?" Rainbow asked in return, "Yeah!" Twilight said nothing, but she at least smiled.
"Oh, yes!" Discord replied, "It's been too long since I've played this game!"
"Wait," I began again, "Who's going first?"
"Well, the rules say that..."
"Don't say it, Discord," I interrupted. My mind couldn't bare to hear the rule out loud.
"Do you wanna just go first again?" Rainbow asked me.
"If that's okay with everyone else," I replied, looking around the table. By the look of their faces, they all seemed okay with it. "Then, yes!" I finished, "Let's do this!"
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 1: What's Good Enough for Celestia?
Eager to get things going once again, I reached for the stack of black cards in the middle. I took the top card from the stack and began reading it almost immediately. "In the seventh circle of Hell...wait," I paused, an idea coming to mind, "Let's do it like this. In the seventh circle of Tartarus , sinners must endure _____ for all eternity." I felt that the impromptu correction I had made would sit better with everyone who was playing.
Like I expected, everyone else took a minute to look over their cards and see which one was the best to give to me. As Twilight floated her card over to me, I looked over at Discord, who looked as if he was about to unleash an evil laugh. I also heard Rainbow Dash giggle mischievously as she and the 3 elder alicorns floated their choices over to me. "You guys ready?" I asked as the sixth white card landed in front of me. Everyone nodded, so I went ahead and started. "In the seventh circle of Tartarus, sinners must endure getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick for all eternity." This elicited loud laughs from both Twilight and Discord, but I was surprised to see Celestia and Luna giggling along with them. "Wait, how do you..."
"Oh, I've told them about many things from your world," Discord said as he finished laughing.
"Except this game?" I asked.
"Correct. I wanted to wait and see if it would be brought to this world somehow before I'd tell them all about it."
"Well, I don't know if you'll need to do that at this point, Discord," Cadance mentioned.
"You're right, Cadance," the draconequus replied, "I'll just let them figure it out for themselves. Anyway..." he finished, looking back at me.
"In the seventh circle of Tartarus," I continued, "Sinners must endure a sad handjob for all eternity." I giggled at that. "Sinners must endure explosions for all eternity. That's...pretty much on the money right there. Sinners must endure ominous background music for all eternity." I laughed internally. "Sinners must endure..." I began to laugh rather loudly. "...a face full of horse cum for all eternity!" This earned equally-as-loud laugh from all the ponies in the group. "Wow! Nice! Sinners must endure A Black Mamba for all eternity." As I finished reading the last card, I knew I was going to have trouble deciding the winner. "Ooooh...boy. This may take me a while." After about ten seconds of deliberation, I said, "I'm gonna have to go with getting your dick stuck in a Chinese finger trap with another dick."
"Yes!" the pegasus to my left exclaimed as she shot up in the air, "Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Who's gonna this this game!? Huh!? Who's gonna win this game!?" Rainbow asked, staring Twilight dead in the eyes.
Twilight merely smiled and replied, "I don't know, Rainbow."
"Ugh...you're no fun," Rainbow sarcastically replied, "Anyway," she continued, reaching for the next black card, as she was to my left, "Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with _____ and would like your advice."
As I handed my card over to Rainbow, I couldn't help but notice everyone else having a rather hard time choosing which card they were going to play. I knew this meant that the upcoming results would either be overly hilarious or just downright terrible.
Rainbow began to read the cards once she received the sixth one. "Okay," she continued, "Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with getting shot out of a cannon and would like your advice. Hmmm... Good, but... nah. I'm having some trouble with an ugly face and would like your advice. That sounds a bit more realistic. I'm having some trouble with breastfeeding a ten year old and would like your advice."
"Wait, what??" Luna asked out of nowhere.
"Well, no wonder you're having trouble! Geez!" Rainbow said while laughing, "I'm having some trouble with teaching a robot to love and would like your advice. That's pretty good, too. I'm having some trouble with being fat and stupid and would like your advice. Heh, now we're gettin' somewhere. I'm having some trouble with eugenics and would like your advice. Nah. Who had teaching a robot to love?"
"I did!" I replied.
"Oh, come on!" Discord exclaimed, "Mine was golden!"
"Which one was yours?" Rainbow asked.
"Being fat and stupid!"
"Meh, it was a close second. Actually...more like a close third." Discord only shrugged at Rainbow's response.
"My turn!" Twilight said, excitedly. Never did I think she would get so excited over this game. "After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought _____ to the people of...Hhhhhaaaiiii...Hhhaaiiit..."
"Haiti," I said.
"Haiti. Thanks," Twilight replied, "Who's Sean Penn, anyway?"
"He's someone from the film industry," I told her. Twilight didn't give a verbal response, but I figured she heard me.
Everyone, from my vantage point, seemed rather confident at what they were putting in. It only made me more curious as to what Twilight was about to read. Thankfully, I didn't have to wait very long. "After the earthquake," Twilight continued, "Sean Penn brought a plunger to the face to the people of Haiti." I heard a few of us giggle at that. "Well, then..." Twilight continued, "After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought a fleshlight to the people of Haiti."
"Hahaha!" Discord laughed out loud.
"What's a..."
"Don't ask, Twilight..." I interrupted, "Just don't..."
"Oooookay?" the purple alicorn continued, "After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought flying robots that kill people to the people of Haiti." There were a couple of cringes in response, but also a few light laughs. "Sean Penn brought Harry Potter erotica to the people of Haiti." This caused Discord to laugh again, along with Rainbow and I. "Sean Penn brought the moist demanding chasm of his mouth to the people of Haiti." I immediately saw Cadance and Luna trying to stifle their giggles behind their forehooves. I, myself, giggled as well. "Sean Penn brought Hurricane Katrina to the people of Haiti."
"Okay, I'll admit that's rather dark," Discord said.
"You're right," Twilight replied, "Still, I don't think I can make a clear decision right off the bat. I'm gonna have to randomize all of these." With that, Twilight took all six white cards in her magic and mixed them around. This lasted for about ten seconds before she said, "Okay. After the earthquake, Sean Penn brought Hurricane Katrina to the people of Haiti."
"That's me!" Cadance exclaimed, excitedly. The pink alicorn was too excited to remember that it was her turn to be the Card Czar.
"Uhhh...Cadance?" I asked, pointing to the stack of black cards at the center of the table.
"Oh, right! Sorry," she replied with a guilty expression on her face. She then took the next card in her magic and said, "The secret to a lasting marriage is communication, communication, and _____."
"Dat ass," I immediately said.
"Huh?" Rainbow asked in response.
"Sorry," I continued, "I played that card a while ago on this black card and I won."
"Well, I can certainly see why," Discord responded.
After the mini conversation ended, we all either floated or handed our choices over to Cadance. "Okay," she soon began, "The secret to a lasting marriage is communication, communication, and a bloody pacifier." Given that the Princess of Love was expecting a foal, we all cringed upon hearing that card. "Communication, communication, and lots and lots of abortions."
"Geez, guys! Come on!" I said, not too thrilled about seeing two dark, baby-related cards in a row.
"Communication, communication, and getting caught by the police and going to jail. That's a little better. Communication, communication, and pumping out a baby every nine months."
"Think of it as eleven months in this case," I said to Cadance.
"Okay," she replied, "I guess that's a little funny." I was getting worried that Cadance wasn't enjoying the game all that much all of a sudden, but then... "Communication, communication, and the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction. There we go!" I internally breathed a sigh of relief. "Communication, communication, and my ex-wife. Okay, who had the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction?"
"That would be me!" Celestia replied, taking the black card in her magic and floating it over to herself.
While the white alicorn claimed her Awesome Point, Luna reached for the next black card with her magic. "Okay, let's see what we have here," she began, "What is Batman's guilty pleasure?"
"I could think of plenty of possibilities," Discord replied as he set a card in front of the Princess of the Night. I then heard him laugh as he drew another card.
"Is Batman some type of superhero?" Luna asked.
"Yes, he is," I replied.
"Okay, thank you," Luna finished, and as she did, the rest of the cards arrived in front of her. She then took them in her magic and began to read. "What is Batman's guilty pleasure? Civilian casualties."
All of a sudden, in a cloud of smoke, Discord disappeared, then reappeared as a news reporter that, to me, resembled Ron Burgundy quite well. He had a desk, chair, and everything that was essential in a news studio. "This just in!" he began, "Superhero or Super-Zero? Rumors that Batman has seemed to take immense pleasure in all of the people his villains have killed have started to spread around the city. More after this."
The rest of us couldn't help but laugh at Discord's hilarious antics. "Thank you kindly, Discord," Luna continued, letting loose a few random chuckles as she spoke, "Anyway, derping around lazily for no apparent reason. Ummm..."
"It means you're just doing nothing productive," I told her.
"Thank you," Luna replied before looking at the next card, "Sniffing glue. I suppose. Panda sex." This earned a short laugh from Rainbow Dash. "Being a dick to children." Rainbow laughed once again, along with a few giggles from Discord. "And finally, preteens. Mmmm...no. Let's see... I think I'm going to have to pick civilian casualties."
"Sweet!" I exclaimed as I took the lead.
When Celestia took the next card, she paused briefly. "Excuse me," she began, "This card says, 'Pick 2'."
"Oh, that means you play two cards instead of one!" Twilight immediately replied.
"It's the first blank on the bottom and the second one on top of it, right?" Rainbow asked, turning her head to face me.
"Correct," I replied.
"Very well, then," Celestia continued, "Well if _____ is good enough for _____, it's good enough for me."
'Pick 2' cards, along with 'Draw 2, Pick 3' cards, were a little more difficult than the regular cards, in my opinion. Sometimes I was left with no two cards that went together all that well. Thankfully, I had two that I hoped would work together.
"I'm just gonna throw these away," Cadance said, "I've got nothing too amusing."
"Hey, happens to the best of us," I replied.
Soon, Celestia had twelve white cards in front of her and was ready to read them off. "Well," she began, "If nothing is good enough for the token minority, it's good enough for me."
"Damn..." I said, my hand covering my mouth. I felt that Discord and I were the only ones who understood that reference, making me curious as to whether or not Celestia would go with it later.
"Well if celebrity gangrape is good enough for the morbidly obese, it's good enough for me. Mmmm...not really. Well if whipping it out is good enough for maximal insertion, it's good enough for me." I responded my clapping my hands several times. That may not have been the ultimate combo, but is sure as heck was a decent one. "Well if a box within a box is good enough for letting everyone down, it's good enough for me. That sounds reasonable. Well if injecting speed into one arm and horse tranquilizer into the other is good enough for sunshine and rainbows, it's good enough for me."
"That's certainly possible," Discord said.
"Well if a botched circumcision is good enough for moral ambiguity, it's good enough for me. I don't think so. I think it would be most appropriate to go with whipping it out and maximal insertion. Who had that?"
"I did!" Rainbow replied immediately. Celestia then floated the Awesome Point over to the pegasus while an excited-looking Discord reached for the stack of black cards.
"Oh," Discord began, "How I've longed for this moment for...oh, however long it's been since I've last played this game," he finished in rapid succession. He then picked up the next black card and read it in a very low voice, one that was sounded like an off-screen voice over for a movie trailer. "In a world ravaged by _____, our only solace is _____."
Hearing something spoken so dramatically only to have it be bombarded by a pair of blanks was pretty funny, but not something which I'd want to give an audible laugh at.
Again, it took a while, but everyone soon picked a pair of cards to give to Discord. I obviously had no way of knowin five of the six combinations, but I couldn't wait to see how the draconequus reacted to them. Ever since I first played Cards Against Humanity, I had always wondered how Discord and Celestia would handle this game, and so far, they seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was, and some of their reactions and/or faces they made at certain cards was rather entertaining to watch.
"Let's see, now," Discord continued in his low tone. He then enhanced the mood by using his chaotic magic to dim whatever light was in the room slightly, and he kept an imaginary spotlight centered on his face, as if he was the one telling a scary story around a campfire. "In a world ravaged by Russian super-tuberculosis, our only solace is crying and shitting and eating spaghetti." Hearing something that ridiculous read like that made me laugh, as well as a few others. "In a world ravaged by bullshit, our only solace is AIDS monkeys."
"Hahahahaha!" Rainbow laughed as she nearly fell out of her chair from laughing so hard.
"In a world ravaged by unfathomable stupidity, our only solace is a lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint. Hmmm... Interesting... In a world ravaged by police brutality, our only solace is two whales fucking the shit out of each other."
"Pffft ...Hahaha!!" Cadance laughed, "This game is ridiculous and yet I love it already!" The pink alicorn wasn't the only one laughing, as Celestia couldn't help but let loose a few giggles of her own.
"In a world ravaged by masturbation, our only solace is ethnic cleansing. Well then... That made a rather large amount of sense. Finally, in..." the draconequus paused all of a sudden, only to un-dim the room and forego his low vocal tone, "Oh, whoever played this last one automatically wins!"
"Why?" Luna, Rainbow, and I asked in unison.
"You're about to find out!" Discord replied, chuckling lightly as he spoke, "In a world ravaged by a sea of troubles, our only solace is the biggest...BLACKest...DICK!!!"
"Woo-hoo!" Twilight exclaimed while throwing her forehooves in the air.
"That was you , Twilight?" I asked the purple alicorn.
"Yep!" she replied as she received her awesome point from Discord, "That card was among my first ten!"
"Lucky ..." I thought to myself. In most scenarios, the biggest blackest dick was an automatic trump card, so I completely understood why Discord's delivery style changed drastically almost instantly. It was as if I knew it was coming the moment he brought back all the light he had dimmed away.
"Well..." Luna spoke up, "I must say, that was rather...unusual, but I think I could get used to this game."
"Awesome!" Rainbow replied. I, myself, was also happy that Luna was getting into it very well. I was afraid that spending 1,000 years on the moon would have deprived her of excitement in scenarios like this, but then again, Twilight did teach her how to have fun at one point.
"You guys want a break before the next round?" I asked the other six.
"Yeah!" came the voices of almost everyone else all at once. I got up and stretched a little as others left the room to take care of other business.
I knew this game was going to be a rather interesting one, and I couldn't wait to see what shenanigans would ensue.
Author's Note
After the first round, the score is as follows:
Me: 2
View Online
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 2: How Did Rainbow Fit In During High School?
As our group reassembled, I was in the middle of coming down from a laughing fit. Why? Throughout the break, Discord had told me several stories of when he had played CAH while visiting earth. I told him a few of my own crazy stories of playing this game, but his were far funnier than I could have ever imagined.
Pretty soon, I felt that we were all ready to start round 2, so I got things underway by picking up the next black card. "Dear leader Kim Jong-un," I began, "Our village praises your infinite wisdom with a humble offering of _____."
"Dear who ?" Rainbow asked.
"His name's not important," I replied, "Just think of him as Sombra, Chrysalis, and Tirek combined."
This made the pegasus' eyes go wide. "Uhhh...message received," she replied, slowly turning her head back toward her cards. I could see that she may have just freaked out on the inside.
"I think this card right here will be quite victorious," Discord said, his face sporting an evil grin as he handed me his card.
"Oh, I beg to differ, Discord," Celestia replied, giving him an equal expression as her card floated over to me.
"This 'oughta be interesting... " I thought to myself as the last white cards were handed to me. "Okay," I continued, "Dear leader Kim Jong-un, our village praises your infinite wisdom with a humble offering of...pfffft ...HAHAHAHA!! A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis!"
This drew laughs from every single one of us, and was probably the first time all game where I didn't see Luna hiding her laughs behind her forehooves. "HA!" Rainbow exclaimed, "That 'oughta show him! ...Well, whoever he is..."
"Our village praises your infinite wisdom with a humble offering of flightless birds. Meh, that's more of a benefit that few countries are considering giving to him. A humble offering of anal fissures like you wouldn't believe! There we go! A humble offering of all 31 flavors. Maybe. Let's see...homeless people. Nah, there's already too many of those. Aaaaaaannndd...pretending to care. That's a little better, but I gotta go with the snapping turtle."
"Yes!" Discord proudly interjected.
"Well played, Discord," I said to the draconequus as I handed him his Awesome Point.
"Well played, indeed," Luna added, "I, for one, would definitely enjoy seeing a villain such as King Sombra or Tirek get their...area munched on by something as crazy as a snapping turtle." I laughed internally at what I had just heard from the midnight blue alicorn. I still couldn't believe that in real life, she had that certain side to her.
"Hmmm..." Rainbow said as she looked at the next black card, "During high school, I never really fit in until I found _____ club."
"This club," I replied with determination as I passed her my card.
"Nope! This club!" Twilight responded as she gave her card to the pegasus.
"Oh, please," Discord jumped in, "I already know that your cards will pale in comparison to mine."
"Did...did you look at our cards or something?" I asked.
"No!" he immediately replied, "Why in Equestria would I cheat at a game I love so much?"
We all paused for several seconds. "Good point..." I eventually said.
"I'm just throwing this one away," Luna said as she floated her card over to Dash.
"Alright, let's see what we got," Rainbow said as she received Luna's card, "During high school, I never really fit in until I found...uhhh...shitting all over the floor like a bad, bad girl club." I wanted to cringe, but the way the end of the card was written made me laugh a little. "I never really fit in until I found taking a shit in front of the police station club. Ugh! Come on, guys! Seriously? I never really fit in until I found fucking a corpse back to life club. Ha! That's better! I never really fit in until I found the miracle of childbirth club!? Aw, come on!" Twilight, Luna, Cadance, and I all laughed at that. "I never really fit in until I found bouncing up and down club. Too simple. I never really fit in until I found girls that always be textin' club. Nah. The corpse card was pretty good, but I'm gonna go with the miracle of childbirth."
"Sweet!" I said as I snatched the black card from in front of the pegasus.
"Oh, come on!" Discord exclaimed, "How does fucking a corpse back to life not work!?"
"Meh, I don't know," Rainbow casually replied as Twilight took the next black card.
"White people like _____," she said, holding the card in her purple aura. I groaned internally upon hearing her read that card. Why? It wasn't a real popular one around my friends and I. We could never really figure out what to play. Part of me wished it had never been made.
"Mine's a throwaway," I said, sliding my card over to Twilight.
"Same here," Rainbow said as she mimicked my actions.
"Mine is, as well," said Celestia as she floated hers over to her former student.
"Well then," Twilight replied as Cadance, Discord, and Luna gave her their cards simultaneously, "Let's see what they are. White people like a bucket of fish heads. Ummm...okay? White people like the tiger that killed my father." Right after she read that card, Twilight seemed to just not care about what everything else was. "Concealing a boner, cool, relatable cancer teens, a giant powdery manbaby, and sugar madness. Hmmm...some of these worked, but none are really striking me as favorable outsiders." She then paused for a few seconds, presumably to decide the winner. "Who had a bucket of fish heads?"
"I did!" Cadance replied, happily. I found it rather odd that in these first two rounds, she won a card immediately prior to becoming the Card Czar. It didn't really matter though, as seeing her, Luna, Celestia, and Discord playing this game was what I was looking forward to more.
The Princess of Love took the next black card in her magic. Little did I know there was an all-too-obvious answer to her next question. "How did I lose my virginity?" Cadance asked.
At that moment, Discord, Rainbow, Luna, Celestia, and I looked toward Twilight, whom Cadance looked toward, as well. The purple pony blushed in embarrassment and folded her ears down, all while retaining a smile on her face while her eyes looked downward. This made the rest of us giggle audibly.
After that, we casually made our choices and gave them to Cadance, who began reading them almost immediately. "Alright," she continued, "How did I lose my virginity? Sperm whales."
"Pfffft ...HAHAHAHAHA!!!" Rainbow laughed, this time actually falling out of her seat as the rest of us let out laughs of our own.
"An Oedipus complex," Cadance continued, "Anyone know what that is?"
"I think it has something to do with incest," I told her.
"Oh!" she replied, giggling lightly, "Well then! Okay, what's next? Warm, velvety Muppet sex." This caused both Discord and I to burst out in yet another fit of giggles. That card was one of the most popular throughout the game, and it was being played at the perfect time. "Uhhh...Jeff Goldblum? Who's that?"
"Oh, he's a hilarious comedian," Discord said before turning to face me, "Wouldn't you agree?"
"I've heard of him, but I'm not really familiar with any of his work," I replied.
"Oh, you poor, poor man, you..." the draconequus finished, giving me a sarcastically saddened expression.
"Anyway," Cadance continued, "Mom's new boyfriend?? Ha! Nice! And it looks like...scrotum tickling is last. Nope. Most of these were pretty funny, but I think I'll pick mom's new boyfriend, just for the heck of it."
"I'll take that card, thank you very much," Celestia said, lighting up her horn to bring the card over to her stack of Awesome Points.
Soon, Luna had the next black card in front of her. "In his farewell address," she began, "George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of _____."
"This," I immediately said, passing my card across the circular table.
"Oh?" Luna replied, "Getting surprisingly confident now, aren't we?"
Before I could reply, Rainbow Dash said, "Mine's a throwaway."
"Mine, too," Twilight said as she and the pegasus passed their cards in.
"Same here," said Cadance, doing the same as the other two.
Once they were finished speaking, I turned back to Luna, a sly grin on my face as I said, "Don't you think I have a good reason to be?" As I finished my question, I casually gestured my hand toward the three mares sitting between me and the Princess of the Night. Luna only gave a few silent giggles in reply.
"Okay, let's go," she said subsequently, realizing that Celestia and Discord had played their cards, "In his farewell address, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of not believing in giraffes."
"You know," Discord began, "If dear old Fluttershy were here, she'd probably pick that card as an instant winner. I mean, who doesn't believe in giraffes!?"
"That sounds like a plausible possibility," Luna replied, "Anyway, George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of figgy pudding. I believe it's safe to assume that this is one of the throwaways. George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of praying the gay away. Hmmm... George Washington famously warned Americans about the dangers of a team of lawyers. I could definitely see that working. The dangers of Lady Gaga."
"Hahaha!" Discord exclaimed, "That's wonderful!"
"Who is this Lady Gaga this card speaks of?"
"She's a famous singer where I come from," I replied, "She, at one point, wore a dress made entirely out of...well, stuff that you don't eat here in Equestria."
"Oh, come on! You can say it!" Discord said.
"Fine," I replied, "She wore a dress made entirely of meat."
This made the five mares in the room remain silent for a little while. Luna soon broke the silence as she said, "Well, then...The dangers of puberty. Hmmm...Well, I'll admit this Lady Gaga - whoever she is - was a strong contender, but I must say, being on the moon for 1,000 years has not made me forget the difficulties of earlier life. I'm selecting puberty."
"That's me!" Discord announced in a slightly high-pitched tone. I was the one who had played Lady Gaga, and I was sure that would win.
As my brief disappointment faded away, Celestia took the next black card from the stack and read it. "_____ is a slippery slope that leads to _____." For a while now, I had had a decent combo planned out for this card, though I couldn't use it at the moment. I made a custom card that read 'Getting yelled at by Gordon Ramsay', and playing that in the second black with 'A disappointing salad' preceding it was something I knew could probably trump most other combos.
"Everyone ready?" Celestia asked, six pairs of white cards sitting in front of her. We all nodded. "Okay, then. Bathing in moonsblood and dancing around the ancient oak is a slippery slope that leads to autocannibalism."
There was a long silence that followed. "Uhhh..." Twilight began, a comically guilty expression on her face, "Oh, yeah...I forgot to say mine was a throwaway." She blushed faintly as she finished speaking. I, for one, never understood that moonsblood card.
"Tongue," Celestia continued, "Is a slippery slope that leads to free ice cream, yo."
"Waaaaaaiiiit..." Rainbow said, drawing out her word, "Wouldn't that be a good thing?"
"I suppose," Celestia replied, "Anyway, pulling out is a slippery slope that leads to indescribable lonliness."
There was another long pause. "Boy," Discord began, "Talk about a need for affection..."
"Not having sex is a slippery slope that leads to never having sex again."
"Wooooooowwwww..." I immediately replied, "That's pretty legit right there." I knew then that my combo had zero chance at winning.
"Gladitorial combat is a slippery slope that leads to filling a man's anus with concrete." All seven of us cringed at the mere mention of that card.
"Mild Autism is a slippery slope that leads to crippling social anxiety." At that, I placed my hands over my mouth, closed my eyes, and groaned. Once again, a seriously spot-on combo had been played. If it was me, I would have picked that one, but there was nothing I could do but wait and see if the Princess of the Sun had the same feelings. "Let's see, a few of these were rather clever, but I think the winner shall be the two sex cards this time around."
"I'll take that, sister," Luna said, her magic pulling the card away from Celestia in an instant. I was happy that Luna had finally gotten an Awesome Point. I felt that she had deserved one right from the start just for being awesome. Of course, I didn't feel the same way about Rainbow Dash, as she was already in a mini competition with Twilight, so I wasn't going to give her a head start...
As Discord took the next card, I expected him to make another outfit and/or scene appear, but that did not end up happening. "What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed?" he asked.
"Not this," Twilight said, floating her card over to the draconequus, "Mine's a throwaway." It didn't take long after that for the rest of the cards to make their respective ways to Discord.
"Okay," Discord began again, "What's Teach for America using to inspire inner city students to succeed? Public ridicule. Okay, maybe... Teenage pregnancy." That earned a few laughs. "Well, that certainly might work. The homosexual agenda. Mmmm...Not this time. A falcon with a box on its head. Well, I suppose so, if they wanted all of them to become comedic birdwatchers. The inevitable heat death of the universe. Not sure what to say about that one. And finally..." he paused, his eyes going wide in excitement, "Yes! Total fucking chaos!" As he finished reading the sixth card, he proceeded to throw his arms up in the air and throw his head backwards, as if he was cheering for something. "Hahaha, sorry about that," he continued, "Look, some of these really worked, but as the Spirit of Chaos, I simply must reward anyone who uses chaos in the right way."
"Wait, haven't you..." I paused. "Who cares, anyway? " I thought to myself, "It doesn't matter that he's been reformed. He's freakin' Discord! " "Never mind. Carry on," I finished.
"Who had total fucking chaos?" the dracoequus asked.
"I did!" Cadance exclaimed.
"Wow, Cadance," I said, "You of all ponies..."
"Hey, what can I say?" she replied, "I just had it in my pile of cards and knew he'd love to see some chaos!" In no way could I have argued with that statement.
"You guys want another break?" I asked the group.
"Are you kidding?" Rainbow Dash replied, "I still gotta kick Twilight's flank here and I didn't get any Awesome Points this round!"
As I thought for a moment, I decided I was perfectly fine with just going right into round 3. "Fine by me, Rainbow," I replied, "Anyone else?" They all just nodded.
"Sweet!" Rainbow said, excitedly.
Author's Note
Here is the score after 2 rounds:
Me: 3
View Online
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 3: How Will Cadance Keep Her Peasants in Line?
With six all-too-eager beings sitting around me, I reached for the next black card and read it. "_____. High five, bro."
"You know," Rainbow began, "I should feel bad for playing this, but I'm not feeling bad in the slightest."
"Oh?" Twilight asked in response.
"Yep," Rainbow replied.
"I must say," Luna began, "My choice is rather dark, but given how this game has progressed so far, I think it has a reasonable chance at victory."
"My thoughts exactly, Luna," Cadance replied as they both floated their cards over to me. I then prepared myself for a double dose of dark humor.
Soon, I was ready to keep things rolling. "Slapping a racist old lady. High five, bro. Hmmm... That could work. Grave robbing. High five, bro. Nice! Now we're getting somewhere!" As I opened my mouth to read the next card, I paused, then I laughed to myself while lowering my head. After a few seconds, I lifted my head back up, took a deep breath, and continued. "Deflowering the princess. High five, bro." At that moment, both Rainbow and Discord began laughing hysterically. Surprisingly enough, I noticed the other four giggling amongst themselves, not looking upset in the slightest. After everyone calmed down, I continued. "Puppies! High five, bro. Only if you're Fluttershy, I'm afraid. Ve-...Ooooh...Vehicular manslaughter. High five bro." A few of us cringed at that. "Growing up chained to a radiator in perpetual darkness. High...fi-...Like, how is that even good?" I asked nobody in particular.
"Well, I mean," Discord replied, "If you wanted a friend who was raised like a wild animal, then...maybe?"
"Nah," I replied. I then looked over my options one more time. "Forgive me, your highnesses," I said to the four alicorns at the table, "But I'm gonna have to go with deflowering the princess."
"Awesome!" Rainbow replied as she snatched the card from in front of me. She was then quick to grab the next black card in the stack. "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced _____ and _____ at the same time."
I looked over my options, quickly spotting a pair that represented making sweet love in the living room. I slid my pair of cards to the pegasus next to me, and it wasn't long before the other options made their way in front of her, as well.
With twelve cards in front of her, Rainbow began to read. "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced the art of seduction and a massive orgy between the cast members of 'Glee' at the same time." Rainbow then stifled a few giggles, and so did some of the others. It wasn't the best combo, but I had to assume Rainbow was giggling at the mere mention of the word, 'orgy'. "You haven't truly lived until you've experienced Michael Jackson and Darth Vader at the same time."
"I wonder what that would be like?" I asked.
"Would you like to find out?" Discord asked, getting ready to snap his fingers.
"Nah," I replied.
"Awww..." the draconequus sarcastically replied.
"You haven't truly lived until you've experienced whipping a disobedient slave and throwing a virgin into a volcano at the same time. Uhhh...no. You haven't truly lived until you've experienced a dance move that's just sex and same-sex ice dancing at the same time. Now that might work! You haven't truly lived until you've experienced genuine human connection and a sofa that says, 'I have style, but I like to be comfortable' at the same time. Maybe. You haven't truly lived until you've experienced a surprising amount of hair and ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry. Ha! That ended pretty hilariously!"
"Haha! It most certainly did!" Discord replied.
"Let's see," Rainbow continued, "Hmmm...You know, seeing a same-sex couple having sex while ice skating seems pretty interesting. I'm gonna go with that one."
"I'll take that, Miss Dash," Celestia replied, smiling somewhat slyly. Her expression made me laugh internally, as I knew she was enjoying this game more than I thought she would.
Twilight then took the next card in the stack. "Daddy," she began to ask, "Why is mommy crying?"
Given that he was the only other male in the room, I glanced briefly at Discord. He immediately noticed and threw one of his hands up. "Don't look at me , my friend," he began in a sarcastic tone, "I'm not the father here."
"Oh?" I replied, "Is that an indication that I'll be seeing you on Maury sometime soon?"
Discord chuckled. "Hahaha, I guess you got me..."
It wasn't long before there were six white cards in front of the Princess of Friendship. "Daddy," she began again, "Why is mommy crying? Making love to Miley Cyrus. Uhhh..." I would have had the same reaction. I had been meaning to erase that text and write something else beforehand. "Windows Vista," Twilight continued. That drew laughs from both Discord and I. "Rabid pencils who chase people." I had been meaning to change that one, as well. "Mouth herpes. Well, I can't argue with that. Se-...Uh-oh. Here we go again...September 11th, 2001."
Normally, I would have cringed upon seeing that card, but this instance was of slightly different circumstances. Without a word, I began slowly clapping my hands. "Well played, whoever you are," I said, my gaze moving between the six others at the table, "That was pretty much spot on."
"The last one is daddy issues. Nope. September 11th wins."
"That was me," Luna said, igniting her horn with her magic and taking the black card from Twilight.
"Did you even know what that card meant before you played it?" I asked the midnight blue alicorn.
"Discord knows many things, my child," came her response, her signature soft smile visible on her face. I knew I couldn't argue with that at that point.
"Ooooh..." Cadance began, looking at the next card, "I'd love to see Shining read this one day. As king, how will I keep the peasants in line?"
"This thing right here," I replied, waving my white card slightly before sliding it over to her.
"Wrong!" Rainbow replied in a tone that easily mocked Lex Luthor in that live action movie. At the same time, she lifted her white card in front of my face - in a way that I didn't know what she was playing, of course - before giving it to Cadance.
"You really wanna beat Twilight, don't you, Rainbow?" I asked the pegasus, not caring in the slightest that the question was rhetorical.
"You bet!" she replied in her competitive tone.
"Okay, you two," Cadance said to Rainbow and I while giggling slightly, "That's enough." She then turned to the six cards that were in her magic. "As king, how will I keep the peasants in line? My boyfriend's stupid penis."
"Gee, Cadance," Celestia began, chuckling lightly, "I didn't realize you were cheating on Shining Armor!"
This caused the rest of us, for the most part, to laugh quite audibly. "Nice one, Trollestia ..." I thought to myself as I came down from my brief laughing fit.
Cadance merely smiled at Celestia's joke. "Anyway," she continued, "Having shotguns for legs. Well, that would definitely work. The male gaze. Probably not. Not wearing pants. I think that would work in your case," she said, looking me in the eyes, "But not in this context. Anyway, the amount of gay I am."
"Hey, maybe what Celestia said is suddenly true!" Rainbow Dash said. This earned a few more giggles from everyone else around the table.
"And finally, a big black dick. Wait, hang on..." she paused before laughing loudly, "Wow! That came at a decent time! Who had that one?"
"I did!" I replied, reaching my hand as far across the table as I could.
As Cadance gave me my Awesome Point, Luna took the next card in the stack and began to read it aloud. "If you can't handle _____, you'd better stay away from _____."
"I win!" Twilight said, seeming rather confident with her choice of cards.
"Oh, I highly doubt that, dear Twilight," Discord replied.
"Actually, neither of you will be winning this round," Celestia jumped in, sliding her pair of cards over to her younger sister.
"Or how about none of you??" Luna said in a slightly loud tone before giggling audibly, "Sorry, I couldn't help myself." She then began to read the six pairs of cards in front of her. "If you can't handle waiting 'til marriage, you'd better stay away from deez nuts." Discord, Rainbow, and I immediately began laughing at that. 'Deez Nuts' was usually another trump card, but none of us, especially the Card Czar, could jump to conclusions just yet. "If you can't handle natural selection," Luna continued, "You'd better stay away from the terrorists." I immediately folded my hands over my mouth, squeezed my eyes shut, and groaned loudly. I then got up from my chair, stepped to the right, and lowered myself to the ground gradually.
"And I thought the last run-in with that card was bad ..." I thought to myself.
I stayed on the ground for about 15 seconds before I finally got back into my chair. "Are you alright?" Luna asked, looking a bit concerned.
"I'll be fine," I replied, "That was just a little too dark."
"Oh. Well, then... If you can't handle blowing some dudes in an alley, you'd better stay away from Family Guy at its finest. I don't think so. If you can't handle tasting the rainbow, you'd better stay away from three dicks at the same time." While most of us laughed, Rainbow Dash blushed furiously. "If you can't handle man meat, you'd better stay away from a kiss on the lips. Well, I can see how that would have eventually progressed, but I don't believe it's good enough at this stage. If you can't handle making a friend, you'd better stay away from a bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal humans." After that, the Night Princess began narrowing down her options. "Hmmm...I can't decide between three of these."
"I've got an idea," I began, "Normally, if I was in this situation, I'd shuffle them and pick one at random, but in this case, I'd have to do something different. Try randomizing the six cards you have left, and then reveal them one-by-one. Whichever two-card combo is fully revealed first wins, given that the owner of that combo speaks up. How does that sound?"
Luna smiled. "Maybe I should just give this point to you for being so smart," she said, beginning to float the card over to me.
"Wait, you're serious?" I asked, beginning to reach out my hand.
Luna closed her eyes. "Absolutely not," she replied, jerking the card back toward herself while maintaining her smile. This caused all the others to laugh, making my cheeks redden slightly. She then took my advice and shuffled the six remaining cards with her magic before revealing them one at a time. "Let's see," she continued, "The terrorists, waiting til' marriage, tasting the rainbow, deez nuts..."
"That's mine!" Twilight exclaimed, eagerly claiming her Awesome Point from Luna.
Celestia soon took the next black card from the stack, but I was unprepared for how she would read it. "HEED MY VOICE, MORTALS!" she shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice. And here I thought Luna was the best at speaking like that... "I AM THE GOD OF _____ AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE _____!"
I was left momentarily stunned by Celestia's vocals, but I soon came to my senses and found a decent 2-card combo in my hand.
"Mine's a throwaway," Rainbow Dash said, sliding her cards to Celestia.
"Mine is, too," Cadance said, doing the same thing as the pegasus.
"Okay, then," Celestia soon said, beginning to read the first pair of cards, "Heed my voice, mortals!" she said in her normal speaking voice, "I am the god of dark and mysterious forces beyond our control, and I will not tolerate some god damn peace and quiet! Hmmm... I'll consider it later. Heed my voice, mortals! I am the god of the basic suffering that pervades all of existence, and I will not tolerate world peace!"
"Damn..." I said in reply.
"I am the god of a manhole, and I will not tolerate an evil man in evil clothes. I don't think so. I am the god of white people, and I will not tolerate the Kool-Aid Man!"
"Wow, way to be racist..." I said to no one in particular.
"I am the god of leveling up, and I will not tolerate a low standard of living! That definitely makes some sense. I am the god of Oompa-Loompas, and I will not tolerate yeast."
"Actually," Discord began, his body being adorned by a Willy Wonka-like outfit all of a sudden, "I think yeast would definitely be needed in that factory."
"Good point," I replied.
"Let's see..." Celestia continued as she scanned over her options, "I'll go with the basic suffering and world peace."
"Splendid!" Discord replied, his outfit now completely gone. He then reached for the final black card of the round. Before he began reading it, he snapped his fingers and was instantly clad in a full doctor's outfit, complete with a white coat, headband, stethoscope, and everything. Then, in a sad-sounding tone, he said, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to _____."
I looked at my hand, not seeing anything worthwhile to give to Discord. I looked up and noticed that Twilight and Luna may have been having a similar problem. Eventually, however, we all made our decisions and gave them to Discord.
Keeping his somber tone like a dismayed doctor would, Discord said, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to the size of my penis." In an instant, the rest of us fell into a massive fit of laughter. It was perfect. Discord was speaking in the ideal voice for delivering bad news, and best of all, he said it with a straight face. Sure, the implications were still sad, but hey, it's Cards Against Humanity. "At 4:15 this morning," Discord continued, "Your son succumbed to the most ridiculous thing you could ever imagine. Hmmm...I suppose. You son succumbed to being the only person without a Facebook account."
"Story of my life right there," I said, lifting my right hand.
"Your son succumbed to pixelated bukkake. Well...maybe? Your son succumbed to intimacy problems." This earned even more giggles from the rest of us. "And finally," Discord continued, shifting back to his somber tone, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Chen, but there was nothing we could do. At 4:15 this morning, your son succumbed to disco fever. Mmmm...nah. I believe the size of my penis shall be the winner this time around."
"Awww, yeah!" Rainbow replied before the draconequus passed the card over to her.
"Okay, I definitely need a break this time," I said.
"Me, too," Twilight immediately replied.
"Hey, Twilight," Rainbow began to ask, "What kinda food you got in your kitchen?"
"Just go in there and help yourself to..." Before Twilight could finish her sentence, the speedy pegasus had already darted out of the dining room and began heading for the kitchen.
"I swear," I said to the purple alicorn, "Sometimes Dash is even more energetic than Pinkie Pie."
"I know, right?" she replied. After that, I stood up and left the dining room myself, eager to stretch my muscles with a short walk before we ensued with our diabolic shenanigans.
Author's Note
After 3 rounds, the scores are as follows:
Me: 4
View Online
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 4: And What Did YOU Bring for Show and Tell?
After various escapades through the castle, everyone returned to the table to begin the next round. Rainbow Dash had pretty much wiped out Twilight's entire supply of potato chips by bringing them into the room, but the purple mare didn't seem to mind. I figured she was too focused on making sure the pegasus didn't win, despite being behind her by 2.
As I drew the next black card, I prepared myself for what could be the highlight of the night. "When all else fails," I began, "I can always masturbate to _____." I instantly remembered the incident at my house earlier, where I thought I had offended the greatest 6 mares of all, when in all reality, they had been expecting it the whole time. It was a rather odd situation, but none of us were complaining, and I didn't think we'd be complaining about it in the days to come.
I forced myself out of my thought streak as I saw the sixth card being laid in front of me. "Okay, here we go," I continued.
"Wouldn't it be something if that card was played again?" Rainbow asked.
"Yeah, it would," I replied, "But what are the odds? Anyway, when all else fails, I can always masturbate to women in yogurt commercials." This made Discord laugh, but I was unamused. "Uhhh...No, thank you... When all else fails, I can always masturbate to the Harlem Globetrotters. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it right there. No way. When all else fails, I can always masturbate to a man in yoga pants with a pony tail and feather earrings. Geez, guys, come on!" I couldn't understand why nothing decent had shown up yet. "When all else fails, I can always masturbate to Dickbutt. What!? Do you guys think I'm gay or something!? No!" This card should have been fun to be the Card Czar for, but it was going nothing like I had anticipated. "When all else fails, I can always masturbate to a passionate Latino lover. There we go, that's better. When all else fails, I can always masturbate to...Judge Judy???" Once again, Discord began laughing hysterically. "Wow, guys, this didn't go as I thought it would. Who had a passionate Latino lover?"
"I did!" Cadance replied. For the first time ever, I was happy to see that card get out of my sight. To me, those were some of the worst results I had ever seen for that card.
Rainbow Dash soon took the next card and began reading it. "What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?"
"I don't know," I replied, "Should we go ask Granny Smith?" This earned a few light laughs.
After less than half a minute, we were ready to keep going. "Let's see," Rainbow continued, "What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? My first period. Well, she'd definitely find it disturbing, buuuuut...No. Robots who just want to party. I guess. Walking in on dad peeing into mom's mouth."
"Oh, gross! Not that card!" Discord exclaimed, his voice easily mimicking Rarity's, if she were a male.
"Boogers. Again, disturbing, but that's probably it. Throwing stones at a man until he dies. Probably not. A 12-way. There we go! That was perfect! Who had that?"
"This handsome draconequus!" Discord proclaimed as he snapped his fingers and brought the card over to his stack of Awesome Points with his chaotic magic.
As Twilight took the next card, I couldn't help but feel surprised at the fact that she was in last place. Given how the last game had gone, I'd figured she'd do pretty well. Still, we had quite a bit to go.
Soon, Twilight said, "Behind every powerful man is _____."
This was another card that I had had trouble with in the past. I could never understand it quite right, and therefore always gave the worst answer. Unfortunately, that was happening to me right now. "Mine's a throwaway," I said, not sounding real glad about it.
"Mine is, too," Luna replied.
"Same here," Cadance also said.
"Okay, here we go!" Twilight continued. "Behind every powerful man is Stockholm Syndrome."
"Oooooooooh..." Discord and I mumbled.
"Behind every powerful man is crippling debt." This earned laughs from practically everyone. "Behind every powerful man is being paralyzed from the neck down. Nah, that's too noticeable. Behind every powerful man is an uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation. I don't think so. Behind every powerful man is hope. Well, that's actually nice to know, for once! Behind every powerful man is a turd. Nnnnnnnnnah...Who had crippling debt?"
"That would be me, Twilight," Celestia said in her usual regal voice.
As Cadance looked at the next black card, she seemed to be confused. "Ummm..." she began, "Is there a word or name missing from this card?"
"What does it say?" I asked.
"As part of his contract, Prince won't perform without _____ in his dressing room."
"Oh, no," I replied, "Prince is a singer back in my world." I had to assume she thought there should be another name after 'Prince'.
"Oh, okay," Cadance replied, "Thanks!"
"No problem," I replied as I passed my card in.
"Well, shoot," Discord said, "Looks like I have to throw this one away."
"Don't bother putting it in, Discord," Rainbow replied, sounding somewhat overconfident, "This one right here's gonna win!" She then placed her selection in front of the pink princess.
"Okay, then," Cadance continued, "Let's do this. As part of his contract, Prince won't perform without one Ring to rule them all in his dressing room." This earned a laugh from Discord; I, however, was not really a fan of what she was referring to. "As part of his contract, Prince won't perform without assless chaps in his dressing room." This earned giggles from the other females in the room. "Prince won't perform without a box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid in his dressing room. I think it all depends on what type of golden treasure is in the box. Anyway, Prince won't perform without flesh-eating bacteria in his dressing room. Nah, that doesn't sound too good. Prince won't perform without Bill Clinton, naked on a bearskin rug with a saxophone." This immediately caused Discord and I to start laughing. Rainbow seemed to get a kick out of it, too. "Who's Bill Clinton?" Cadance asked.
"He used to be President where I live," I replied, "I think they made that card due to speculations that he was cheating on his wife with a female interim while in office."
"Ooooh...That doesn't sound pretty," the pink alicorn replied.
"Well, he got off the hook in the end."
"Oh..." Cadance replied, casually shrugging, "Okay. Anyway, Prince won't perform without scientology in his dressing room."
"Whoa..." Twilight jumped in, "That's a little much." I was glad she remembered what I had told her during the last game.
"Let's see..." Cadance said, looking over the cards, "I think I'll go with...Bill Clinton."
"Yes!" Rainbow happily exclaimed, "Oh yeah!" The pegasus was now 3 cards ahead of Twilight, giving her every possible reason to feel excited.
As soon as Rainbow had placed her fifth Awesome Point with her other four, Luna took the next card in the stack and asked, "And what did you bring for show and tell?"
As I looked at the 10 cards in my hand, I spotted one that could technically be considered a throwaway, but at the same time, I felt that any pony who could do magic would be able to understand it. I soon selected that card and slid it to the midnight blue princess.
"Everyone ready?" Luna asked. We all nodded. "Okay, then. And what did you bring for show and tell? A brain tumor." Pretty much all of us cringed at that bit of dark humor. "A time travel paradox."
"That sounds like something I would bring," Twilight mentioned.
"An endless stream of diarrhea." A few of us cringed at that, but Discord and Rainbow got a decent laugh out of it. "Willow Smith's relentless hair-whipping."
"Oh, please don't get me started on that song..." Discord groaned.
"Brown people. Probably not. And finally, Cards Against Humanity. Well, I think that was a nice note to end on. Who had this last card?"
"Me again!" Discord replied, happy to be tied for the lead.
"Aw, great..." Rainbow moaned.
"What's wrong, Rainbow?" I asked.
"It's nothing," she replied, "I just felt good having the lead all to myself."
"Ah. I see."
"Okay, let's see what's next," Celestia said. She then took the next black card in her magic and started reading it. "In his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with _____."
"This 'oughta work," I said, sliding my card over to Celestia.
"Maybe, but this one's gonna win!" Rainbow replied.
"Oh, I beg to differ, Rainbow Dash," Discord said, slyly. He then gave his card to the white alicorn sitting to his right.
"Oh, you're not the one who's begging to differ, Discord," Twilight began as she floated her card over to her former mentor, "I am."
Cadance then giggled. "I hate to burst your bubble Twilight," she said, her white card surrounded by an aura and on it's way to Celestia, "But it's not you, either."
I then looked in Luna's direction. I figured she'd add to the mock competitiveness, but she had already given her card to her older sister and was awaiting the results.
"My, my..." Celestia began again, "This will definitely be interesting. Anyway, in his new action comedy, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with rabies."
"Hmmm..." I murmured.
"Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with raptor attacks."
"Jurassic World sequel, I guess?" I asked no one in particular. Discord seemed to approve of my thought, though.
"Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with the way white people is. I don't think so. ...While also dealing with anal beads. Wait, what??" Celestia then began laughing hysterically. I knew that hidden among all her regal glory, she had been craving a comical event like this for over a thousand years.
A few others laughed along with Celestia before the Princess of the Sun continued. "...While also dealing with a sex comet from Neptune that plunges the earth into eternal sexiness." She then giggled to herself. "That could be interesting. And finally, Jackie Chan must fend off ninjas while also dealing with extremely tight pants."
"That makes sense," I said, "How can he fight if his pants are too tight?"
A few of the others seemed to giggle at my little rhyme. "You make a persuasive point, my friend," Celestia replied, "I'll go with that one."
"Wonderful!" Cadance said. She was now in a three way tie for first place, which made me curious as to what would happen next with Discord.
Said draconequus was quick to grab the final card for the round. "You know," he began, "Once you get past _____, _____ ain't so bad."
I quickly spotted two cards that had to do with consumption. I didn't think they worked well together, but they were my best shot at winning.
"Mine's a throwaway. Again..." Twilight unhappily said as she and I both slid out pairs of cards to Discord. I could tell that Rainbow Dash was happy to hear that.
"Everyone ready?" Discord soon asked, seeing that there were 12 cards in front of him. We all nodded, so he got right to reading them off. "You know," he continued, "Once you get past a middle aged man on roller skates, a falcon with a cap on its head ain't so bad. Ehhhhhh...No. You know, when you get past Herbert the Pervert, some douche with an acoustic guitar ain't so bad." This made Discord laugh, and once I informed everyone else who this 'Herbert the Pervert' was, they got a kick out of it, too. "You know," Discord continued, "When you get past a hopeless amount of spiders, 50,000 volts straight to the nipples ain't so bad. Ummm...I'd have to think about that one. When you get past The Great Depression, painting the White House black ain't so bad. Uhhh...I don't quite see how that goes together. Anyway, when you get past a mouthful of potato salad, chugging a lave lamp ain't so bad. No, that escalated a bit too quickly. And finally, when you get past...HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" the draconequus laughed, "When you get past unsheathing my massive horse cock, tentacle porn ain't so bad!" This got the majority of the group more or less laughing. "Okay, I'll admit, that wasn't the best combo, but that's not going to stop me from liking it so much! Who had that one?"
"That was me!" Cadance exclaimed, officially taking the lead.
"Aw, come on!" Rainbow immediately replied. I knew that she wanted to be in the lead and eventually beat Twilight.
"You guys need a break?" I asked.
"Heck, no!" Rainbow replied, "I need to get my lead back!"
"Suit yourself," I responded, looking around to see that everyone else wasn't in any hurry to leave the table, "Let's keep going."
Author's Note
After four rounds, here are the scores:
Me: 4
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 5: What's Twilight's Secret Power?
Given that I was sitting next to a pegasus who was desperate for the lead, I quickly reached for the card that would start the round. "Next from J.K. Rowling," I began, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of _____."
"Harry...who?" Cadance asked.
"He's just a boy-turned-wizard that goes to a school of wizardry with two of his friends," I replied.
"Oh, okay."
I was really happy to have seen this card. Sometime before all this had happened, I was playing a different game when this came up, and I had played the card 'menstrual rage' and won. I was hoping someone among the others at the table would be smart enough to play that same card - if they had it, of course.
Once I saw six cards in front of me, I began reading once again. "Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of something that looks like a box but turns out to be a crate."
"A chamber with a lone box?" Luna asked, inquisitively, "That sounds like a suspenseful story worth reading."
"Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of breaking out into song and dance. Hahaha!! Nice! Harry Potter and the Chamber of..." I paused upon seeing a card that may have been better than the card I wanted to see. "...Wet dreams." This got every single one of us laughing. "I swear, if this is Luna's card... " I thought to myself. "Anyway," I continued, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night. Boy, that was a mouthful..." I said, not sounding impressed by the use of words created by Allen Ginsberg, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of...Ha! 24-hour media coverage! Nice! Harry Potter and the Chamber of jerking off into a pool of children's tears." Discord and Rainbow both chuckled at that, but I was unamused.
After scanning over my options one last time, I finally decided on the winner; however, I knew it was very possible for most of us to be stuck in a 3-minute-long laughing fit, but I didn't really care. "Who had wet dreams?" I asked.
A long silence ensued. "Nobody? Seriously?" I asked again.
I then heard giggling from the one pony I had hoped would do so. "I did," Luna finally said, a few giggles coming out of her mouth as she spoke while a forehoof partially covered her snout.
That did it. Upon hearing those two small words, Twilight's dining room erupted into loud, boisterous laughter. In my opinion, it could easily have been compared to the time Richard Simmons had done a 'Living Scenery' skit with the cast of 'Whose Line is it Anyway?'. I vividly remembered the reactions from the audience members in that episode, and when I compared them to what I saw in front of me - from what I could see, as my laughing fit prevented me from having a clear view of everyone else - it was a near-perfect copy. Discord and Rainbow were laughing hysterically on the ground, all while Twilight, Cadance, and Celestia alternated between throwing their heads back and banging their forehooves on the table. Neither Celestia nor Cadance seemed to care if they were causing any harm to the golden shoes on their forehooves.
Luna, on the other hand, was a little less hyper. She was still laughing, but she was keeping far better control of herself than all the others. As for me, I had my face buried in my arms on the table most of the time, only lifting my head at random times to survey the chaos around me.
Once everything died down, Rainbow Dash took the next card in the pile. "The CIA now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to _____," she read aloud. This time around, there wasn't really any conversation going on as we gave our cards to Rainbow, so once she got them, she began to read them off. "The CIA now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to the harsh light of day."
"Ouch..." Discord said, glancing at Celestia as the white alicorn glanced back at him.
"The CIA now interrogates enemy agents by repeatedly subjecting them to white-man scalps. Ewww...Gross! ...By repeatedly subjecting them to my genitals. Ha! There we go! ...By repeatedly subjecting them to a cat video so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus." Some of us cringed, but others laughed. "...By repeatedly subjecting them to The World of Warcraft."
"Actually, they'd probably get a kick out of that," I mentioned.
"Why? What is it?" Rainbow asked.
"It's a popular game from his world," Discord said.
"Oh, alright," Rainbow replied before continuing, "...By repeatedly subjecting them to a homoerotic volleyball montage. Nah. You know, as funny as my genitals was, I think I'll go with the cat video."
"Awesome!" I replied, grabbing the black card with my left hand.
"No, not awesome!" Rainbow immediately responded, "Now I gotta worry about you possibly being in a tie for the lead!"
"Hey, hey, hey calm down," I replied.
Rainbow's frown immediately turned upside-down as she laughed a little. "Heh, don't worry," she replied, "I'm alright."
"Good," I said in return.
After our little competitive conversation was over, Twilight took hold of the next card and read it aloud. "What's my secret power?"
Rainbow Dash coughed. "Beingthebiggesteggheadinexistence, " she whispered behind her hoof in rapid succession before coughing again.
"Hahaha..." Twilight replied. Though she normally was okay with Rainbow Dash calling her an egghead once in a while, this did not seem to be one of those times.
Once again, not much was said as we passed our cards in. "Everyone ready?" Twilight asked, quickly get a response in the form of six simultaneous nods, "Okay. What's my secret power? Being marginalized."
This elicited a simultaneous, "Ooooooh..." from several of us.
"Being popular and good at sports. Popular, yes, but good at sports, no. Destroying the evidence."
Just then, Discord brought back his earlier Ron Burgundy-like appearance and news desk. "Tonight!" he began, "High-ranking government official found guilty of a cover-up! What did she do? Find out at 11!" This, like the last time, earned multiple laughs.
Once Discord had gotten rid of everything and got settled back into his seat, Twilight continued reading off the cards. "Dying of dysentery," she said. This earned a few giggles. "Getting all offended. I suppose, but not often enough. And finally, drinking responsibly."
"That...actually works, doesn't it?" I asked.
"I suppose so," Luna replied.
"You're right," Twilight said, "It does, but I'm gonna be dark for once and go with dying of dysentery."
"Wonderful!" Celestia said, proudly. I knew that her winning that card would make Dash even more aggravated, as there were now four of us, including her, in a tie for second place.
With the odds being in favor of having the tie broken, Cadance took the next black card in her magic and began reading it. "When you get right down to it," she said, "_____ is just _____."
I was really happy to see this card. It was the one card in the game - that I knew of - where one could be as literal as they wanted and still have a decent chance of winning. Unfortunately, I couldn't find two that went together, and I wouldn't find out until later that I had misinterpreted one of the cards.
"Mine's a throwaway," I heard Celestia say.
"Mine, too," said Twilight.
"Mine is, as well," Luna said. I was relieved to know that I wasn't the only one in that situation.
Soon, Cadance had 12 cards in front of her and was ready to read them all. "Okay," she continued, "When you get right down to it, spending lots of money is just losing all my lottery winnings." In my mind, that made way too much sense to not work. "When you get right down to it, the invisible hand is just a vagina that leads to another dimension. Hmmm...Nah. When you get right down to it, a peyote-fueled vision quest is just lumberjack fantasies." I couldn't help bust stifle a small giggle at that. Even though it wasn't a decent combo, I found the sheer ridiculousness rather amusing. "When you get right down to it, wiping her butt is just ennui. Uhhh...Do I want to know?" Cadance asked me.
"I never understood what ennui was," I replied. I was hoping Discord would have an answer, assuming he'd seen this card before when playing on earth, but he remained silent.
"Alright, then," Cadance continued, "When you get right down to it, a sweet spaceship is just a robust mongoloid." Once again, the pink princess gave a confused look and pushed the cards aside. "When you get right down to it, licking things to claim them as your own is just take-backsies. I...kiiiiinda see how that could work, but no. I'm going with the money and lottery winnings."
"Seriously!?" Twilight asked, looking rather surprised, "That's mine! I can't believe it!" I was expecting Rainbow Dash to get a little more upset, but given how she was still 2 points ahead of the purple alicorn, she just ignored the situation and eagerly waited for Luna to read the next card.
Thankfully, the pegasus - or the rest of us, for that matter - didn't have to wait very long. As Luna brought the next card over to herself, she said, "And the Academy Award for _____ goes to _____."
Truthfully, I had never been a fan of the Academy Awards, but whenever this card came up, I would always get excited, as people like Robert Downey, Jr., Arnold Schwarzenegger, or Samuel L. Jackson could get an award for the most ridiculous of reasons.
With six pairs of white cards set face-down in front of her, Luna began to read off the results. "And the Academy Award for penis breath goes to a fetus."
There was another long silence. "Okay, like...what the heck was that?" Rainbow asked no one in particular.
"Something not deserving of a victory," Luna replied, setting the two cards aside, "And the Academy Award for living in a trashcan goes to a man-shaped box. Hmmm...That could work, eventually. And the Academy Award for spectacular abs goes to our first chimpanzee president." This got plenty of us laughing. "And the Academy Award for ejaculating inside another man's wife does to Dick Cheney." Discord and I laughed at that, but not without me having to explain who Dick Cheney was. "And the Academy Award for..." she squinted. "Ummm...Peeing in a girl's butt to make a baby goes to Sean Penn."
"Ewww!" Rainbow responded.
"And the Academy Award for a zesty breakfast burrito goes to a pizza guy who fucked up. I don't think so. Let's see..." Luna said as she scanned over her options, "As funny as the abs combo was, the one with a box and a trashcan is much more realistic, so I will pick that one."
"Why, thank you, Luna!" Discord replied, sounding quite flattered. He had a good reason to be, as he was now in a tie for first place. This upset Rainbow Dash only slightly, and she soon got over it.
As Discord added to his pile of Awesome Points, Celestia took the next card in her magic and read it aloud. "My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of _____ and _____." I immediately knew of several decent combos that could be played right now that would match Celestia's life perfectly, but I didn't seem to have any of them.
Hearing no distinct reports of throwaways, I was eager to see what the results were. "Okay, here we go," Celestia continued, "My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of wearing an octopus for a hat and clogging the toilet every time you use it."
"Gross!" Rainbow said, not looking happy to be disgusted like that for two cards in a row.
"Hmmm..." Celestia continued, "That does sound viable, but it's too early to jump to conclusions. Anyway, my life is ruled by a vicious cycle of prancing and self-flagellation. Probably not. My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of just the tip and sweet, sweet vengeance."
I immediately turned to my left and motioned for Rainbow Dash to bring her ear closer to me. I then whispered to her, "No wonder she's looking for vengeance! She wants the whole thing! " This caused the pegasus to laugh for quite some time.
Celestia didn't bother ask what I had told Rainbow and simply carried on with reading. "My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of fiery poops and drinking alone."
"Sounds like a rather spicy batch of cider if you ask me!" Cadance said, her statement earning a few laughs.
"Good one, Cadance," Celestia replied, chuckling lightly as she spoke, "Anyway, my life is ruled by a vicious cycle of active listening and graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content."
"Gee," I began, "I didn't realize you were that into R-rated movies, Celestia!" A few of the others giggled at what I had said, Celestia included.
Celestia continued reading once everyone's laughs had died down. "My life is ruled by a vicious cycle of sexy pillow fights and getting punched by Captain Falcon himself. Hmmm...Not this time. I think I'll go with fiery poops and drinking alone, because that sounds rather debilitating compared to the others.
"Thank you, sister," Luna happily said as she snatched the black card away from Celestia.
Discord soon took the next card; however, before he read it, he snapped his fingers and made himself look like a heavily distressed 18-year-old girl (I was just making an estimation on the age). Then, in a heavily feminine tone, he said, "Having the worst day EVER. #_____." The rest of us could help but laugh at the draconequus' display.
I instantly noticed one card in my hand that would most likely make anyone have the worst year ever, or even more than that.
"Mine's a throwaway," Twilight said, bemused, "What a surprise..."
Soon, six white cards were sitting face-down in front of Discord, eagerly waiting to be read. "Okay, then," Discord continued, briefly ceasing the feminine voice before starting it up again as he began to read, "Having the worst day EVER. #Finger painting." I figured that if someone spent that long finger painting, they'd feel like it was a bad day, regardless of how their work turned out. "Having the worst day EVER. #The Annoying Orange." This made me laugh, as I knew that little fruit had plenty of haters back on earth, even though I wasn't particularly one of them. "Having the worst day EVER. #Pooping back and forth. Forever." Most of us cringed at that. "Having the worst day EVER. #The Tenerife Disaster."
Partially emulating my actions from earlier, I covered my face with my hands and groaned as I got up and took a few steps away from the table, only to return less than 15 seconds later.
"Uhhh..." Rainbow Dash began, "What's the...whatever it was disaster?"
As I sat back down, I replied, "It's the worst aviation disaster in my world's history. It happened nearly 40 years ago, and 583 people died."
"Yeesh..." Cadance mumbled.
"That's a rather large amount of casualties," Luna said.
"I know," I replied, "Luckily, mass casualties like that don't happen very often anymore, depending on the circumstance. Anyway, go on, Discord."
The draconequus nodded and began to read again. "Having the worst day EVER. #Getting yelled at by Gordon Ramsay."
"HAHAHAHA!!!!" I laughed, barely able to contain myself upon hearing one of the most accurate placements of a card all night. Discord seemed to get a kick out of it, as well, even though he was clearly trying to stay in character.
"Having the worst day EVER," he continued, "#The Gulags."
"Wow..." I said, "That's pretty intense."
"What are the Gulags, exactly?" Celestia asked.
As Discord returned to his normal look with another snap of his fingers, he replied, "If I'm correct, it's a rather harsh prison on his planet."
"Close," I replied, "It was a large amount of work camps."
"Oh, that's right. I forgot. Anyway, all of these work in some way, even finger painting."
"You wanna randomize them?" I suggested.
"Precisely," the draconequus immediately replied. He then re-shuffled the six cards for about 10 seconds before he spoke in that feminine voice once again. "Having the worst day EVER. #..." he then placed one random card down on the table. "...Getting yelled at by Gordon Ramsay."
"Yes!" Luna exclaimed.
"Aw, come on!" Rainbow said, clearly annoyed. Not only had her seemingly decent card not won, but now Luna had reinstated the four way tie for second place.
"Nice job, Luna," I said to the Princess of the Night, "I love that card."
"Why, thank you," she replied, "It sounds like it's rather potent when it comes to itself being played."
"It depends on the situation," I responded, "You have to know when exactly to play it. That pretty much goes for every single card in the game."
"I figured," Luna said in return.
"Anyway, you guys need a break?"
"I sure do," Twilight said.
"Same here," came the voice of Cadance.
With that, we all left the room at once to take care of any necessary business before we resumed our miniature festival of fun.
Author's Note
Here are the standings after 5 rounds:
Me: 5
View Online
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 6: What Ended Luna's Last Relationship?
After another brief round of stretching, I made my way back to the dining room, as did everyone else. Once we all got re-settled into our seats, I began round 6 with the next black card. "The five stages of grief:" I began, "Denial, anger, bargaining, _____, acceptance." I instantly remembered how funny it was for me to bring up Tank when this card appeared in the last game. Sure, Rainbow had sounded annoyed, but we both knew that it was all in good fun.
"I think this will be a suitable substitution for depression in this case," Discord said, a slight hint of evil in his voice as he handed me his card.
Soon, we are all ready to continue. "The five stages of grief:" I began again, "Denial, anger, bargaining, the swim team, all at once, acceptance. Nah. Denial, anger, bargaining, Sudden Poop Explosion Disease, acceptance. Ha!" This got the others laughing, as well. "Denial, anger, bargaining, a date with all the Kardashians, acceptance." That card wasn't all too popular with my friends back home, but this was probably the first time it actually worked in any given scenario in this game. "Denial, anger, bargaining, getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying, acceptance. That sounds more like the nine stages of grief, if you ask me. Denial, anger, bargaining, horrifying laser hair removal accidents, acceptance. Probably not. Denial, anger, bargaining, Leprosy, acceptance."
"Ouch..." Discord said.
"Yeah," I replied, "That's not gonna work. I'm gonna go with a date with all the Kardashians."
"That would be mine, thank you," Celestia said.
"Hey, I'm gonna take a guess and say that Discord told you who those ladies are?" I asked the Solar Princess.
"He most certainly did," the white alicorn replied, her smile faltering slightly, "And I must say, for such high-class ladies, I wish they acted more like the Canterlot Elite."
"I will second that, sister," Luna jumped in, "Those women are rather repulsive."
"Alright, enough of this talk about weird women," Rainbow Dash said, "The next card says, 'Hi, and welcome to your first day at _____ High School!'"
"Oh, boy," Cadance said as she floated her card over to Rainbow, "This is gonna be interesting..."
"Mine's kinda iffy," Twilight said.
"Alright, let's see what we got here," the pegasus continued, "Hi, and welcome to your first day at Oncoming Traffic High School! Ha!" This got me laughing instantly. 'Oncoming traffic' was such a great card. "Hi, and welcome to your first day at Taking Off Your Shirt High School. At this point, nah. Hi, and welcome to your first day at Dying Alone and In Pain High School."
"Oh my..." Luna said.
"Hi, and welcome to your first day at Racism High School."
"Ooooooh..." came the majority of the group's voices.
"Hi and welcome to your first day at A Bigger, Blacker Dick High School! Hahaha!!!" The pegasus ended up slumping a bit in her chair due to how much she was laughing.
"You know," I began, "If you think about it, they could be referring to the staff at high school just being complete and utter dicks."
"Yeah, but however you think about it, it's still really funny," Rainbow replied, "Anyway, hi, and welcome to your first day at Two Midgets Shitting into a Box High School. Ewww...no. Who had a Bigger, Blacker Dick?"
"I did!" Cadance replied.
"Shoot!" Rainbow immediately said. She knew right then and there that she had just given Cadance the lead, and that she herself was now in third.
"What's the matter, Rainbow?" Twilight asked with a mischievous grin on her face, "Afraid you're gonna lose?"
"No!" Rainbow interjected in return, "I'm just, well...I'm still ahead of you , anyway!" I knew that at this point, Rainbow was most likely going to do whatever she possibly could to win this game.
"Let's see what's next," Twilight said, taking the next card from the stack, "I got...Wait! Hold on a second!" At that moment, Twilight let out a burst of magic, restyling her mane to how it looked when she and Spike were out while her friends tried to make her castle feel more like home. "There we go!" she said before reading the card again, "I got 99 problems but _____ ain't one." This caused all of us to laugh. If Twilight was going to read a gangsta card, then she sure well should look like one, at least.
"Man," I began, "I wish I had a better card for this, but I gotta throw this one away."
"This better work!" Rainbow said, a small hint of desperation in her tone as she passed her card to the alicorn next to her.
"Okay, here we go," Twilight eventually said, "I got 99 problems but FЯED ain't one."
"AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" Discord screamed, slamming his eyes shut and covering his ears, "KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"
"Whoa, timeout!" I said, "You don't like FЯED?"
"Of course not! He's one of the few things from your world that I hate with a passion! I mean, come on!" He then proceeded to let out another scream, this one perfectly replicating that of the YouTube sensation. "How can anyone stand that incessant voice?!?!?"
"Uhhh...I can," I replied, chuckling slightly at the draconequus' antics, "He's not that bad."
"Well, that's just your opinion, I guess," Discord finished, his shoulders shrugging as he looked away from me momentarily.
After a few more seconds of silence, all eyes were focused on the Princess of Friendship. "I got 99 problems but establishing dominance ain't one."
"I think that's 'cause you already have," Rainbow mentioned, "You've had your dominance established ever since you finished Starswirl's spell."
"You're right, Rainbow!" Twilight replied, "I do believe I have! Anyway, I got 99 problems but Former President George W. Bush ain't one."
"You got that right," I said.
"I got 99 problems but ghosts ain't one. I guess that could work. I got 99 problems but riding off into the sunset ain't one. Ehhh...No. I got 99 problems but poopy diapers ain't one. Yeah...I'll pass on that one, too. Hmmm...I think I'll keep things simple and go with ghosts."
"Wow! Yes!" Cadance exclaimed, happy to have won two in a row to extend her lead. I could tell Rainbow Dash was still annoyed, but she kept silent this time around.
After setting the black card with her others, Cadance took the next one in her magic and read it out loud. "I spent my whole life working toward _____, only to have it ruined by _____."
Whenever a new black card was red, I usually liked to immediately think of something that would either fill in the blank or answer the question and say it out loud. Unfortunately, there were way too may possible combinations that could work for Cadance in this case, so I decided to let it slide and look at my cards, and I found a combo that made me wish Discord was the current Card Czar, because it would work better from a male perspective.
"Okay, everyone ready?" Cadance asked, her immediate reply being six nods, "Great! I spent my whole life working toward buying the right pants to be cool, only to have it ruined by the folly of man."
"Yeesh..." I said, "That'd have to be a pretty big folly, if you ask me..."
"I spent my whole life working toward no clothes on, penis in vagina, only to have it ruined by clams."
"Ha!" Rainbow laughed, "Clams?!? Seriously?!?"
"Well, I'll admit that is rather unusual. Anyway, I spent my whole life working toward an overwhelming variety of cheeses, only to have it ruined by a salty surprise." Most of us just shivered at that. I knew semen-coated cheese was definitely not something that was popular. "I spent my whole life working toward power, only to have it ruined by sneezing, farting, and cumming at the same time."
"Ha! That one little instance!" Rainbow said out loud.
"I spent my whole life working toward a whole lotta woman, only to have it ruined by an abnormally small, black dick."
The others instantly looked at me. "Hey," I began, "They made three cards about black dicks already, so I figured I might join in on the action."
"Suit yourself," Discord replied.
"I spent my whole life working toward giving 110%," Cadance continued, "Only to have it ruined by swiftly achieving orgasm." This got a lot of us laughing. "Wow, a lot of these really worked, but I think being a princess means having a lot of power, so I'm going with the power combo."
"Thank you very much, Cadance," Celestia replied, smiling. This small victory put her within 1 of the pink alicorn.
"Hmmm..." Luna began as she started to read next card, "What ended my last relationship?" Right then and there, I wanted to say something along the lines of being banished to the moon, but given how sensitive Luna was about the subject, I decided not to say anything.
"Perfect..." Discord said in an evil tone with a sly grin on his face.
Soon, all six cards were sitting in front of the Princess of the Night. "Okay," she continued, "What ended my last relationship? The economy."
"Aw..." I began, "That's just sad."
"My vagina." This got a laugh from the rest of us. "Half-assed foreplay."
"I suppose that could work," Twilight said.
As Luna looked at the next card, she blushed rather furiously. It took her a while to muster up the courage to speak. "Ummm..." she eventually said, "Incest." While Luna quickly glanced toward her sister, the rest of us burst out into laughter, even Celestia.
Out of all of us, Rainbow Dash was laughing the loudest. "HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" she exclaimed in a fit of hefty giggles, "That was perfect! Don't even read the other cards! That should win automatically!"
"Boy, I agree, Rainbow!" I said, still laughing my ass off.
"So do I!" Cadance said, laughing equally as hard. At this point, Luna had already started to laugh along with us.
It took a while for all of us to settle back down, and when we did, Luna seemed to just skim through the other two cards. "Racial profiling and Me are the other two," she said, still giggling, "But I think we all know which card is the winner here."
"I'll take that, thank you," Discord proudly said.
"Wow. Nice one, Discord," I said to the draconequus.
As Discord thanked me, Celestia reached for the next card with her magic. She then cleared her throat and said, "Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's _____ and _____!"
"Mine's a throwaway," Cadance said after a silence ensued among us.
It didn't take long for us to be ready. "Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo!" Celestia continued, "It's a for real lizard that spits blood from it's eyes and the eighth graders. Ehhh...I don't think so. Introducing the amazing superhero/sidekick duo! It's some kind of bird-man and a sweaty, panting leather daddy!"
"That works a little better," I said.
"It's Sean Connery and a box that is conscious and wishes it weren't a box. Maybe. It's an M16 assault rifle and an Etsy steampunk strap-on."
"Ha!" I said, "That 'oughta get people's attention!"
"It's PewDiePie and a man on the brink of orgasm."
"HAHAHA!!!" Discord laughed, "Oh, that's perfect ! He's hilarious!"
"Who is he, exactly?" Celestia asked.
"He's a famous internet star in my world," I replied.
"Oh, alright. Anyway, it's edible underpants and a bleached asshole."
"Ewww..." Rainbow said in moderate disgust.
"I'll second that, Rainbow Dash," Celestia said, "Who had PewDiePie and the man on the brink of orgasm?"
"I did!" I replied.
As I received my Awesome Point, Discord took the next card, and right after he did, he snapped his fingers and was soon dressed in a black business suit with a pair of reading glasses while holding a black leather briefcase. He then said, "Call the law offices of Goldstein and Goldstein, because no one should have to tolerate _____ in the workplace."
"Hehehe..." Rainbow laughed evilly, emulating Discord's earlier antics.
"I'm throwing this one away," Luna said, floating her card over to the draconequus.
It wasn't long before we were ready for the final results of the round. "Call the law offices of Goldstein and Goldstein," Discord continued, "Because no one should have to tolerate the placenta in the workplace."
"Oh my..." Luna said, "That's rather vile..."
"I have to agree with you, Luna," Celestia said.
"Call the law offices of Goldstein and Goldstein, because no one should have to tolerate cuddling in the workplace.
This earned a few, Awww... 's alongside a few giggles.
"Call the law offices of Goldstein and Goldstein, because no one should have to tolerate boring vaginal sex in the workplace."
"YES..." I said out loud. That was perfect.
"Because no one should have to tolerate shaft in the workplace."
"Ha!" Rainbow laughed.
"Because no one should have to tolerate a tribe of warrior women in the workplace. Mmmm...Nope. Because no one should have to tolerate expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor in the workplace. Nah, not good enough. Who had boring vaginal sex?"
"That was me!" Twilight exclaimed, eager to have finally gotten another point.
As the purple alicorn added to her pile of black cards, I stood up from my seat and said, "I think I need to go stretch some more."
As he got rid of his outfit with a snap of his fingers, Discord said, "I think I shall go along with him." This pretty much motivated everyone else to get up and do various things for the next ten minutes in preparation for the next round.
Author's Note
Before I get to the scores, a little explanation.
I realize that the choices for winning cards in this story may not be the very best, and some may make no sense whatsoever. I don't have a completely normal mindset, meaning there are things in this situation that I may find funny while others really don't. I wrote the script for this story quite some time ago, and now that I'm looking at it again, I'm regretting some of the winning card choices. Unfortunately, at this point, having the winner for various cards be different than what I have would throw me way off track, so I've decided that I'm just sticking with what the script says. At this point, though, I may edit a few things so it doesn't seem like I chose the worst card every single time.
Also, if you think the PewDiePie card should have been Markiplier, I've never felt compelled to watch his videos and I'm just more familiar with the former.
Here are the 6th round's standings:
Me: 6
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 8: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Not wanting to waste any more time, I went for the next card in the stack. When I saw what it said, I knew the others were going go to let me have it...HARD. "How am I compensating for my tiny penis?" I asked with comical shame. Rainbow Dash laughed at me pretty hard.
"I suppose this would be adequate compensation," Luna said, passing me her card.
"Oh, I think this will be much better than whatever you have, Luna," Celestia said. It always made me laugh inside seeing the royal sisters getting competitive against each other like this.
"Everyone ready?" I eventually asked, to which I received six nods, "Alright. How am I compensating for my tiny penis? A shiny rock that proves I love you. Awww... That's sweet. Bill Nye the Science Guy."
I then looked questioningly at Twilight while retaining a smile. "What?" she asked, not expecting me to do so, despite the science-related card being played.
I giggled. "Nothing," I replied, "Anyway, nunchuck moves. I suppose... Unquestioning obedience. AKA living with a 24-hour dominatrix - no, thank you. Powerful thighs. Nah. Mad hacky sack skills. Not this time. I think I'll go with the rock card.
"Splendid!" Luna said, happily.
"I think that's probably the first time I've ever played this game where I actually chose the sweetest answer over all the others," I said to no one in particular as I slid Luna's Awesome Point over to her.
"Cool!" Rainbow replied. She then took the next card in the stack and asked, "Why am I broke?"
"Wonderbolts merchandise," I said, chuckling slightly. This got the others chuckling, too, but Rainbow just rolled her eyes.
"Mine's a throwaway, unfortunately," Discord said.
"So is mine," Cadance added. This made Rainbow smile, as she knew Cadance's chances of winning right here and now had just greatly diminished.
"Alright, let's do this," Rainbow soon said before picking up the first of six white cards in front of her, "Why am I broke? Former President George W. Bush. Well, I don't really know anything about him, but given the implications, I'll save him for later. A box of biscuits, a box of mixed biscuits, and a biscuit mixer. Geez, that's a pretty big box... Epically failing at life." All of us comically groaned. "WOW... That...that hurts. Changing a person's mind with logic and facts. Nah. A boxing match with a giant box."
"Did you bet all your money on the wrong box?" Cadance asked while chuckling.
"Hahaha...Who knows?" Rainbow continued, "Anyway, hip hop jewels. Are those usually expensive?"
"Well, they can involve quite a bit of gold," I explained, "Depending on exactly what you want. They're usually custom made, so that can cost extra."
"Interesting. I guess I'll go with that one."
"Whooo!" I cheered, snatching the black card from Rainbow's hoof.
"You seem excited," Twilight said.
"Why shouldn't I be?" I replied, "I'm closer to catching Cadance than any of you!"
Twilight remained silent for a few seconds. "Touche..." she replied, "Anyway, let's see what the next card is." As she spoke, the next black card became enveloped in the alicorn's aura and floated over to her. Twilight then sported a slightly annoyed look. "I despise people who don't know anything about _____!" she exclaimed while slamming her hoof on the table.
I looked at my hand and couldn't find anything worthwhile to play. I then picked a random card to toss in, but right before I did so, I looked at it one more time, quickly noticing that it had something to do with science, and given that the pony who some could consider to be the biggest science geek in Equestria was the Card Czar, I knew that I had a slightly better chance of winning.
Soon, Twilight had all our selections. "Okay," she began, "I despise people who don't know anything about Arnold Sch...Schwaaaaarrr..."
"Schwarzenegger," I said, correcting her.
"Thanks," the alicorn replied, "Who is he?"
"He's a politician and movie star."
"Cool! Anyway, I despise people who don't know anything about how awesome I am!"
"Hey!" Rainbow exclaimed, "That's my line!" Everyone else laughed at her sarcastic anger.
"I despise people who don't know anything about embryonic stem cells! Perfect! I despise people who don't know anything about having a penis!"
"So you despise yourself?" Discord asked, inquisitively.
Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes before continuing. "I despise people who don't know anything about Neil Patrick Harris!"
"HAHAHA!!!" Discord laughed, "Oh, Twilight, you sounded like the biggest 'How I Met Your Mother' fanatic of all time!"
"Huh?" the purple pony asked in confusion.
"It's just a TV show," I replied, "I didn't really care for it, but I didn't know Discord was such a big fan."
"Uhhh...okay? Anyway, I despise people who don't know anything about the day Luigi killed Mario. Nah. You know, as much as I love the stem cell card, I'm gonna go with how awesome I am. I really liked how that sounded."
"I'll take that, Twilight," Celestia said. She was now tied with me for second place.
"Alright, let's see what we've got here," Cadance said, taking the next card from the stack, "Member's of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience _____."
Discord laughed evilly. "Oh-ho-ho, this should be interesting..." he said, sliding his card over to Cadance.
"This is probably the best I've got, at the moment..." Luna said as she passed her choice in.
Cadance soon asked if we were ready, to which we all nodded. "Alright," she continued, "Members of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience a gender identity that can only be conveyed through slam poetry. Hmmm...Nah. They're paying thousands of dollars just to experience December 21st, 2012."
"Well, well, well..." Discord said, "It seems they're the only ones who want the world to end..."
"Just to experience spending a week with the Tourette's Guy."
"Wow, that 'oughta be interesting..." I said, giggling lightly.
"Just to experience Roland the Farter, flatulist to the king. Hahaha! That sounds pretty clever. Just to experience a world without boxes. Hehe...That's kinda funny. Just to experience sex with Patrick Stewart."
"Now that is something I'd like to see!" Discord said out loud.
"Wait, really??" I asked.
"Oh, wait, what am I saying?!?" the draonequus replied in despair, realizing what he had just said, "Never mind. Please continue."
"Alright," Cadance said, "I think I'll go with...spending a week with the Tourette's Guy."
"Oh, wonderful!" Discord said, using his chaotic magic to snag the black card away from the pink alicorn.
"Cadance, please tell me you know who the Tourette's Guy is," I said.
"Oh, of course!" she replied, "Discord told me about him a while back, and I must say, he's rather...strange, to say the least."
"Alright," I finished.
Just then, Luna picked up the next card from the stack. "Oh my," she said, looking at the text on the card, "It has been quite some time since Discord told me about this famous phrase."
"Which one?" I asked.
"This is madness!" she said in a rather loud tone. Then, in the Royal Canterlot Voice, Luna said, "No . THIS IS _____!" I couldn't help but laugh at the word 'blank' being spoken rather than the implied city name.
"So, Discord," I asked the draconequus, "Did you like '300'?"
"Actually, I didn't see the entire movie," he admitted, "I only know of that scene and the one where that leader-guy Leonidas says they'll be dining in Hell later that night."
"Oh, alright. I didn't realize you only knew of those scenes."
After all that was over, I looked at my cards and noticed one that only had a two-syllable word on it. Even though it wasn't 'Sparta', I figured it may still work.
"Is everyone ready?" Luna eventually asked. We all nodded, so she took the first card in her magic and began reading once again. I covered my ears this time, as I knew she would most likely be using the Royal Canterlot Voice once again. "This is madness! No . THIS IS FRICTION!" I giggled a little at the use of that card. "This is madness! No . THIS IS SOCIALLY AWKWARD PENGUIN!"
"Excuse me?" Celestia asked in confusion.
"It's just a meme series back where I'm from," I explained.
"This is madness! No . THIS IS KHAKIS!" I giggled again, and so did Discord. "THIS IS BARACK OBAMA!"
"That probably wasn't the best time to use that card," I said.
"THIS IS SWOOPING! Hmmm...I suppose. THIS IS CH-..." she paused for a few seconds. "...Child abuse." Most of us cringed at that.
"Ouch..." Rainbow said.
"Yeah," Twilight followed up, "That's a little harsh."
"You are both certainly right," Luna said, "I think the winner shall be Khakis."
"Yes!" Twilight exclaimed. She seemed rather relieved to finally be getting more points.
As soon as Twilight's Awesome Point was in her stack, Celestia took the next one from the center of the table. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey?" she began, "This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for _____."
"I believe this shall be a suitable answer," Luna said, passing her card to her elder sister.
"Mine's a throwaway, unfortunately," Discord said.
"Okay, let's go," Celestia continued, having received the last of the cards, "Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Casey? This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for holding a child down and farting all over him."
"Ewww! Gross!" Rainbow exclaimed in disgust.
"This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for almost giving money to a homeless person."
"Almost ," Cadance mentioned, "He didn't actually do it."
"I see. This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for burning down a hospital."
"Woooowww..." I said.
"This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for a web of lies."
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Discord laughed, "That's so true!"
"Yes, I suppose so, Discord," Celestia said while smiling, "Anyway, this is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for words, words, words. I'll just look at that as talking excessively. This is the third time you've been sent to the principal's office for..." she then started giggling. "...Wow, I feel really naughty saying this. Some really fucked-up shit." The rest of us lost it. I had already heard Luna say some dirty things today, but now Celestia of all ponies?? This was well worth the trip.
Once the laughing died down, Celestia selected a winner, even though she was chuckling a little while speaking. "I think I'll go with a web of lies. That makes the most sense in this context."
"Awesome!" Rainbow exclaimed, obviously glad to be back in the tie for second place.
Finally, it was time for Discord to be the Card Czar once again. I was really looking forward to whatever antics he had in store, but I knew quite quickly that nothing like that would be happening. "_____." he began, "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!"
"Oooh...This should be nice..." Twilight said in a mischievous tone as she floated her card over to Discord.
"Oh, really?" Discord asked in reply.
"Yep," Twilight replied, confidently.
"Well, we shall see about that..." Discord replied, noticing the last cards being given to him, "The light of a billion suns." The draconequus then turned to face Celestia. "CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" Celestia giggled lightly, and so did all the others. "Cheating in the Special Olympics. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!"
"Woooowww..." I said for the second time this round, "That's a pretty tough challenge, if you ask me."
"Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up. Challenge...accepted? No. Necrophilia. Challenge accepted. I don't think so. Re-...pffft ...HAHAHA!!! Republicans! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!" I laughed at that. "Se-...What?? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Discord laughed again, "Setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Ohio! CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Now that was hilarious! I think I'll choose that one."
"Sweet!" I said out loud. At the same time, I couldn't help but feel dumbfounded at the fact that there was still no winner. "Hey, guys," I began, "I'm not really in the mood for a break right now, 'cause the next round is most likely gonna be the last, unless we each have 9 by the end of it, which, in my opinion, probably isn't gonna happen, even though it's still mathematically possible."
"You make a rather decent point, my friend," Luna said.
"I'm okay with finishing this off," Celestia said.
"Yeah! Let's do it!" Cadance said, excitedly.
"Alright!" I replied.
Author's Note
Yep. Still no winner. How this happened, I have no idea.
Here are the Awesome Point totals after round eight:
Me: 9
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 9: Make Another Haiku.
At this point, we were at a stage in the game where I felt it would end rather soon. However, once a winner was declared, it would be time for everyone to make a haiku, and given the ones who were playing, I was eager to see the ridiculousness that I knew would ensue.
I soon grabbed a new black card and began round nine. "War!" I yelled, slamming my fist on the dining room table. Everyone else, except Discord, stared at me with wide eyes as I remained silent for several seconds. "What is it good for?" I finished.
"Definitely not this ," Celestia said, sliding what I assumed was a throwaway over to me.
"Well, I'm definitely not winning this game," Twilight said, "I just can't seem to get any decent cards." She then floated her card to where Celestia's was.
Soon, four more cards appeared in front of me, and I was more than ready to read all of them. "War!" I began again, "What is it good for? The eight gay warlocks who dictate the rules of fashion. Uhhh...I'm not sure that's possible, 'cause everyone pretty much wears the same thing. Anyway, doin' it in the butt. Nah, I don't think so. The systematic destruction of an entire people and their way of life. Wow..."
"Well, that was rather accurate..." Discord said.
"Well, yeah, if you think about it. Anyway, Battlefield amputations."
A few "Oooooh...'s" ensued.
"My soul. I mean, like...nah. Forget it. Agriculture. Nah, that doesn't work either. Who had the systematic destruction card?"
"That would be me, thank you," Luna said, noticeably happy to be a part of the now three-way-tie for first place, "I must say, Cadance, I though you were most certainly going to win during the last round, but now that there seems to be three of us in the lead, things may have just gotten a little more interesting," she finished with a moderately sly grin.
"I must say, I have to agree with you, Luna," the pink princess replied, giving her an equal expression.
"Alright, let's see what's up next," Rainbow Dash said as she took the next card from the pile. "After months of practice with _____," she began, "I think I'm finally ready for _____."
I then heard Twilight giggle. "This 'oughta sound interesting," she said while passing her two cards to Rainbow.
"No throwaway this time?" I asked the purple alicorn.
"Nope!" she happily replied.
After less than a minute, Rainbow Dash had twelve cards sitting in front of her. "Alright, let's do this," she said, "After months of practice with an unstoppable wave of fire ants, I think I'm ready for seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes. Dang...Those are some pretty powerful fire ants. After months of practice with a sex goblin with a carnival penis, I think I'm finally ready for carnies. I mean, I guess... After months of practice with calculating every mannerism so as not to suggest homosexuality, I think I'm finally ready for cute boys. Ha! That was pretty clever!" All the others laughed a little. "After months of practice with the safe word, I think I'm finally ready for the gays. Nah. After months of practice with going to a high school reunion on ketamine, I think I'm finally ready for 90 miles per hour and no brakes."
Discord giggled slightly. "That 'ought to be an interesting show," he said with a coy smile.
"After months of practice with screaming like a maniac, I think I'm finally ready for the day the birds attacked. Hahaha!" This caused all of us to laugh at the humorous Alfred Hitchcock reference, even if the majority of us had no idea who he was. "That was pretty funny! I like it! Who had that combo?"
"Huzzah! We are victorious!" Luna exclaimed as she leapt out of her seat, flapping her enormous wings while throwing her forehooves in the air.
"Nice one, Luna!" I said to our winner.
"I must say, that last one was a job well done!" Discord said, congratulating the alicorn.
"Aw, come on!" Rainbow wailed in slight despair.
"Rainbow, calm down!" Twilight said, "All you wanted to do was to beat me , right?"
This got the pegasus' attention. "Uhhh...yeah. Why?" Rainbow asked.
"Well, how many cards do you have?"
"Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. I have eight cards."
"Well, I only have six, so even though you didn't win the whole thing, you still accomplished what you wanted to from the beginning!"
Rainbow smiled upon realizing that Twilight was correct. "Hey, you're right, Twilight!" she replied, "I did beat you! Ha! Yes!" All Twilight did in reply was lower her eyelids slightly while she continued smiling at the pegasus.
"Alright," I said, "Who's ready to make a haiku?"
"Ah, splendid!" Discord said, "My favorite part of the game!"
"Wait, really?" I asked in return.
"Well...other than winning of course. But that doesn't matter. Where's the card?"
"Right here," I replied, reaching into the lid of the box and pulling the black card out. I set it on the table before saying, "Alright, everyone, go ahead and draw 2."
"There's more?" Cadance asked.
"Yep," I replied, "This is how we close out each game. For this one, there's no Card Czar, so we'll each read out own responses. Once you draw 2, you have to pick 3 cards to make a haiku, as it says here on the card, but you don't have to literally make a haiku, if you know what I mean."
"Gotcha," Cadance replied before looking at her cards.
This, like I had expected, took a lot longer than normal. I had a really hard time finding three cards that would go together in some way, shape, or form. Eventually, I decided that I wasn't going to win this card and placed three random cards down on top of each other.
After about 2 minutes, all seven of us had a 'haiku' in front of ourselves. "Alright, I'll start," I said, picking my 3 cards up, "Rising from the grave, subduing a grizzly bear and making her your wife, my dad's dumb fucking face."
Rainbow read hers next. "Sudden penis loss, penis envy, giant sperm from outer space," she said. Everyone giggled at that.
Twilight then said, "Wearing glasses and sounding smart, growing a pair, tripping balls."
Cadance was up next. "Strong female characters, important news about Taylor Swift, mom," she read aloud.
Realizing it was her turn, Luna said, "A bitch slap, revenge fucking, my dead son's baseball glove."
"Ooooooooh..." came the voices of the rest of us.
Celestia then read hers out loud. "Whispering all sexy, a gentle caress of the inner thigh, one trillion dollars."
"Ha!" Rainbow laughed out loud.
"Well," Discord began, "I should warn you, mine gets progressively dark, and by progressively, I mean very fast."
"Let it out, man," I replied.
"Okay, then. A boo-boo, Auschwitz, the Apophis Asteroid."
Rainbow, Twilight, and I stared at Discord's cards with wide eyes. After a lengthy silence, I said, "Hey, Discord, can you make a bottle of cider appear?"
"Uhhh..." the draconequus began to reply, "...Sssssure?" He then snapped his fingers, and a bottle of Sweet Apple Acres brand cider appeared in my right hand.
I then leaned back in my chair, putting my legs up over the miniscule armrest to my right while I looked down at the table. "Boy..." I began, soon looking upwards at no one in particular, "That escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand! Fast!"
"HAHAHA!!!" Discord laughed, banging his fist on the table, "That was perfect! I didn't realize you were this good at impressions!"
"Well, I try," I replied, sitting back up and setting the bottle of cider on the table.
"Hey, what's A-Au...whatever that second card was?" Rainbow asked.
"Okay," I began explaining, "So, about 83 years ago in my world, which, for you guys, would be..." I paused, doing some math in my head, "996 moons ago, this guy named Hitler was appointed Chancellor of a country far east from where I live. He was eventually considered a dictator, and he wanted to kill everyone who was part of a certain religion, so he sent his army out to forcibly take all of those people, regardless of age, out of their homes and shove them on trains that would take them away. Have you guys heard of concentration camps or works camps or anything of that nature?"
"Well, I believe that's sort of what King Sombra did to the Crystal Ponies before the Crystal Heart was found," Cadance said.
"Oh, yes, that's right," Celestia mentioned, "He had them chained up like prisoners and forced them to do whatever he ordered them to do."
"Well, that's what Hitler did with these people. He sent them all to these concentration camps where they would either be systematically killed on arrival or be forced to work until it was their turn to die. Auschwitz was one of these camps."
"Oh my..." Luna said, sympathetically, "How long did this go on for?"
"Well, even though the official beginning date is controversial, it lasted for about twelve years, or 144 moons, until the war that was happening at the time brought it to a halt, while the war itself ended. Unfortunately, the death toll for those people was around 11 million."
There was another brief silence. "So..." Twilight began, "Discord basically went from a small injury to 11 million deaths to mass extinction of every living thing?"
"I guess I did ," Discord replied as he snapped his fingers again, making the bottle of cider disappear.
"So," I said, "Let's see who wins. I for one, don't really like what I played."
"I think Discord's is a little too dark at the moment," Luna began, "But I'll admit, it was a good effort."
"I think Twilight's and Cadance's should be put to the side at this point," Discord said.
"You know," Cadance began, "I really like Rainbow's! I mean, going from losing your penis to getting jealous to eventually summoning giant sperm from outer space to annoy whoever you got jealous over is pretty darn smart!"
"I must say," Celestia said, "That was rather clever."
"I liked it, too," I replied, "Think we should give Rainbow one last Awesome Point?"
"Yeah!" came the voices of Twilight, Cadance, Luna, Celestia, and Discord in unison.
"Well, you heard them, Rainbow. Nice job!"
"Awesome!" Rainbow exclaimed with glee.
As we each helped to clean up the area, I asked, "So, what did you guys think of the game?"
"Oh, you don't know how happy I am that you brought this with you!" Discord said, "Thank you!"
"I really needed this," Cadance said as she used her magic to manipulate a broom and dustpan to pick up any crumbs that were on the floor, "I just wish Shining was here. He'd get a real kick out of it!"
"I'd certainly like to play again sometime in the future," Celestia said, smiling.
"I would, as well," Luna followed up, "I've never seen anything like this before!"
"Well," I began again, "You're all welcome to either come to my world or bring me back here if you wanna play again!"
"Hey, I have an idea!" Twilight said, putting a feather duster down before running up in front of me.
"What's up, Twi?" I asked the alicorn.
"Would you mind staying for a little while longer? Maybe we can create a new version of this game, but with cards that everyone in Equestria would understand."
"Hey, that sounds like a great idea, Twilight!" Rainbow replied, "I'd totally like to see that when it's done!"
"Heh...Why not?" I finally said, "Maybe later, we can play another game with that set of cards."
"Exactly!" Twilight replied, "Here, let's go into the library and start working on it!"
"Great!" I replied.
For the rest of the day, after the others left, I stayed with Twilight and helped her develop a new edition of Cards Against Humanity that would only be available in Equestria. I told her not to ever bring it to my world, however, as I didn't want any suspicions of forgery or copyright infringement to linger, which meant she would have to come and get people from my world and bring them to Equestria, which I didn't think would be an issue - not for the longest time.
When we finally finished, it was late at night, so I stayed in one of Twilight's guest rooms for the night and then she saw me off the next morning. All I remember seeing was another bright flash of light before everything vanished.
Author's Note
Meanwhile, an argument over a disappearing, and eventually reappearing, bottle of apple cider was being had at a nearby farm.
Anyway, the winner is Princess Luna!
Thank you all so much for reading the second (and most likely final) installment in this Cards Against Humanity series. I sincerely hope you enjoyed yourselves, and I really hope that lots of laughter ensued.
Here are the final scores:
Me: 9
Here are the cards remaining in everyone's hands:
Me:
RD:
TS:
Cadance:
Luna:
Celestia:
Discord:
View Online
Cards Against Humans, Ponies, and a Draconequus
Round 7: What Gives Rainbow Uncontrollable Gas?
After yet another break of approximately 10 minutes, the seven of us re-gathered at Twilight's dining room table, eagerly awaiting what the upcoming round would bring forth.
As I drew the next card, I knew that I would have to keep as straight of a face as possible while reading the results. "Puberty is a time of change," I began, "You might notice hair growing in new places. You might develop an interest in _____. This is normal."
"Ha!" Rainbow exclaimed as she slid her card over to me, "This 'oughta work!"
"Actually, Rainbow Dash," Celestia said with a sly grin, "I believe my choice will be far superior to yours."
"Oh yeah?!?"
"Certainly..."
"Well, we'll see about that," I said, ready to read the cards. With a straight face and the voice of a calming doctor, I said, "Puberty is a time of change. You might notice hair growing in new places. You might develop an interest in three months in the hole. This is normal."
"Well, then..." Discord chuckled, "I had no idea prison was that popular among teenagers."
"You might notice hair growing in strange places. You might develop an interest in the boners of the elderly." Amidst the immediate laughs that surrounded me, I said, "This is normal."
"That's so gross and yet so funny!" Rainbow said while laughing hysterically.
"You might develop an interest in a lifetime of sadness. This is normal. Hmmm...Depending on who you are, I suppose you could have thoughts that are pointed in a direction like that. Anyway, you might develop an interest in a whole new kind of porn. This is normal." Once again, those last three words were spoken among a barrage of giggles. "You might develop an interest in the ooze. This is normal. You know, in this context, the ooze could mean anything. And finally, you might develop an interest in pedophiles. This is normal. Absolutely not," I continued, putting that last card in the discard pile, "Let's see...The boners of the elderly was probably the most hilarious out of all of these. Who had it?"
"I did!" Twilight replied.
As I handed Twilight her Awesome Point, Rainbow took the next card in the pile; however, her immediate expression upon seeing it perfectly matched the one she had when she had drawn the one about how she lost her virginity in the last game. "Aw, geez..." she finally said, "What gives me uncontrollable gas?"
"Oh, this is perfect..." Discord said, yet another evil grin on his face. It was always a surprise to eventually see what he was up to.
"Mine's a throwaway..." Twilight said, sporting another look of disappointment as she gave Rainbow her card.
"This better be decent..." Rainbow mumbled as she got ready to read the six cards, "What gives me uncontrollable gas? Frolicking. Nah. Dry heaving. I don't think so. A...Aw, great! Not this again! A ball of earwax, semen, and toenail clippings." This caused a several of us, mainly the princesses, to cringe.
Right as the pegasus was about to read the fourth card, she paused. Cringing, she eventually said, "...L-Literally eating shit."
"Oh, how repulsive!" Celestia said, closing her eyes and pressing a forehoof to the side of her mouth.
"Quiche," Rainbow continued, "I guess it depends on what kind of quiche. Anyway, kale. You know, these last two made much more sense that the others. I think I'm gonna go with quiche."
"Wonderful!" Luna exclaimed, using her magic to claim her point from the pegasus.
When Twilight drew the next card, she beamed, and I had no idea why. The alicorn then said, "A remarkable new study shows that chimps have evolved their own primitive version of _____."
"Of course...Science... " I thought to myself. I knew that the eventual winner would most likely be something related to science and had the potential to not be funny and/or amusing to anyone else.
"Okay, what the heck is this??" Cadance asked, looking at a certain card in her hand - or hoof, whatever Equestrians were calling an amalgamation of cards in their possession. She then seemed to shrug her question away while she slid the card to Twilight. I had to assume it was a throwaway.
Twilight soon had all six cards in front of her. "Okay," she began, "A remarkable new study has shown that chimps have evolved their own primitive version of being a busy adult with many important things to do. Nah. Chimps have evolved their own primitive version of mooing. Well, this study was certainly a waste of bits... Chimps have evolved their own primitive version of estrogen." All the other females giggled slightly. "Chimps have evolved their own primitive version of emotions. Hmmm...That and estrogen seem like they're worth studying! Chimps have evolved their own primitive version of coat hanger abortions."
There was a simultaneous, "HNNNGH..." at that.
"Chimps have evolved their own primitive version of smegma." This got Discord and I laughing pretty hard. "Let's see..." Twilight continued, "You know, being a mare, I think seeing a unique kind of estrogen sounds exciting, so I'll go with that one."
"YES!" Rainbow exclaimed, relieved to have finally gotten another card.
"Hey, Cadance, which one was yours?" I asked, "You seemed kinda upset when you put it in."
"It was smegma," the pink alicorn replied, "I'm assuming you and Discord know what that is?" I then stood up and walked up next to the princess. Once there, I leaned into her ear and whispered to her what smegma was. Once I was finished, she seemed rather surprised. "Oh, so that's what it is?"
"Yep," I replied. After I responded, a look of disgust overtook her.
Once I was back in my seat, Cadance took the next card in the stack. When she looked at it, her look of disgust turned into one of excitement. With a hyper voice that could easily be compared to Pinkie Pie's, Cadance bellowed, "WHOOO! God damn , I love _____!"
I laughed a little upon hearing her read that card. Once I calmed down, I looked at my cards, deciding to be dark for once and have Cadance love something rather graphic.
"Any female would love this ," Discord said as he passed his card to the Princess of Love.
Soon, Cadance was ready to read off the results. "WHOOO!" she exclaimed again, "God damn , I love being fabulous!" She then closed her eyes and flipped her mane to one side, and then the other.
"If Rarity was the Card Czar right now," Twilight said, "I don't think we'd be hearing the other cards!"
"Yeah, you're right!" Rainbow replied.
"WHOOO!" Cadance continued, "God damn , I love this...year's...mass...shooting..." she trailed off. Some of the others randomly glanced at each other for a while before Cadance continued. "WHOOO! God damn , I love..." she facehoofed, "Getting drive-by shot..." I could tell nobody was impressed with two dark cards in a row. Thankfully, Cadance regained her excitement rather quickly. "WHOOO! God damn , I love..." and then it faded again. "...Shutting the fuck up." Discord chuckled for a short time, but Cadance quickly threw the card in the discard pile. "WHOOO! God damn , I love cock!"
Immediately, the rest of us laughed as hard as we did upon finding out Luna had played 'wet dreams' at the perfect time. Hearing her say something like that had to be the greatest thing that I'd ever hear her say, regardless of what I had yet to see on the small screen. It wouldn't be something I would soon forget, and I knew that that would be the same situation for all the others.
Once the laughing died down, Cadance continued. "WHOOO! God damn , I love...depression. No. Absolutely not. Who played cock?"
"I did, Cadance," Luna replied with a smile, soon receiving her point from the other alicorn.
"You know, Cadance," I said with a coy grin, "I think it's been pretty obvious from the start that you love cock." As I finished, I pointed toward her belly in a subtle manner.
Cadance gave me a light smile and blushed a little. "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha..." she replied while rolling her eyes.
After that, Luna took the next card from the stack. "I don't know how," she began, "But it appears Bobby became drunk off of _____."
I had been planning on erasing the text from that card and replacing it with something else. I had made that card out of complete randomness, and I wasn't sure why it was still there. What it said hadn't been too popular with the rest of the gang back home. Even worse, I had NOTHING that worked for this card.
The other five had already thrown in their cards, so I threw in the one that made the most sense, and soon, Luna began reading them all off. "I don't know how," she said, "But it appears Bobby became drunk off of...pussy."
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Discord laughed while banging a fist on the table. I laughed as well, and so did Rainbow. I never thought I'd hear Luna say 'pussy' out loud.
"I don't know how, but it appears Bobby became drunk off of the milkman."
"That should really say the Milkmare of Trottingham," I said, chuckling slightly. This got a big laugh out of Discord.
"I don't know how, but it appears Bobby became drunk off of alcoholism."
There was a long silence...
"Wow..." I eventually said.
"I don't know how, but it appears Bobby became drunk off of a sassy black woman. I suppose, if you think about it. I don't know how, but it appears Bobby became drunk off of a can of whoop-ass." Rainbow laughed at that. "I don't know how, but it appears Bobby became drunk off of an oversized lollipop. Hmmm...That could work, but not this time." The Princess of the Night then started chuckling lightly. "I think I'll have to go with...wow, I feel odd saying this...pussy."
"Yes!" Rainbow exclaimed, "I knew that would work!" She was now within one of first place once again.
While the eager pegasus added to her stack of Awesome Points, Princess Celestia summoned her magic and levitated the next black card into her field of vision. She then said, "_____: Kid tested, mother approved."
"Throwaway," Discord immediately said, gesturing to his card right after he set it in front of Celestia. I myself had a card that applied to children, though not in an optimal way.
"Everyone ready?" Celestia asked. We all nodded. "Okay," she continued, "The heart of a child: Kid tested, mother approved."
"Awww..." came the voices of Luna, Cadance, and Discord. I myself found it adorable, as well.
"Firing...Oh my...Firing a rifle into the air while balls deep in a squealing hog: Kid tested, mother approved."
"Okay. That ..." Rainbow began, "...That just...that just wasn't the time to play that card..."
"I will second that, Miss Dash," Luna replied.
"An inability to form meaningful relationships: Kid tested, mother approved. I don't think so. A piñata full of scorpions: Kid tested, mother approved."
"Ha!" Discord and Rainbow said at the same time.
"Gloryholes: Kid tested, mother approved."
"Aw, geez! Come on!" I yelled, "Really?!?"
"Having...a-a...wow, do I really want to say this out loud?"
"Come on, Princess!" Twilight said, hoping to motivate her former mentor.
With a sigh, Celestia said, "Having anuses for eyes: Kid tested, mother approved." Everyone else, including myself, cringed. Celestia quickly tossed that last card aside, and then she looked over her other options. "You know, I found a piñata full of scorpions to be rather amusing. I think I'll go with that one."
"Sweet!" I said, gratefully accepting my Awesome Point. This one put me in a five-way tie for second place.
Discord was quick to take the next black card. "_____," he began, "Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. Oh, I love this card!"
"Well..." Celestia said, looking at a certain card in her 10, "I'm not sure this is considered 'awesome', but I'm playing it, anyway."
The rest of us soon handed our cards over to Discord, and he was more than ready to read them off. "Okay," he began again, "An unhinged Ferris Wheel rolling toward the sea. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. Well, that sounds about right, now, doesn't it? Turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice."
"Actually," Rainbow began, "That sounds like a mess in both situations."
"You're right, Rainbow. Anyway, an army of skeletons. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. Meh, awesome in theory, but not really a mess. An ether-soaked rag. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. That...sounds right. Sort of... Anyway, an...Oh my..."
"What?" Cadance asked.
"An all-expense-paid trip to Paris. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice."
"Aw, come on..." I said, covering my face with my hands and leaning backwards as far as I could in my seat.
"You're right, that is rather dark."
"Wait, when was the last time you were in my world?"
"Recently enough for me to know what had happened, my friend."
"Oh. Alright."
"What is this 'Paris' thou speakest of?" Luna asked.
"The city name doesn't matter," I said, "A bunch of terrorists bombed several locations in that city recently."
"Oh my..." Luna replied.
"And finally, a rival dojo. Awesome in theory, kind of a mess in practice. Well...depends on how fierce they are. Hmmm...You know, despite how dark it is, I think I'm gonna have to go with the trip to Paris."
"Uhhh...That would be me," Cadance said, hesitantly.
"How many do you have now, Cadance?" Twilight asked.
"I don't know. Let's see," the pink alicorn replied, quickly counting her Awesome Points, "...Six, seven, eight, nine. I've got nine."
"What?!?" Rainbow asked, "She's already one away?!?"
"Hey, hey, hey, relax, Rainbow," I said, "You should at least be grateful you're ahead of Twilight."
This made Rainbow pause for a little while. "Oh yeah...You're right," she finally replied.
I then said, "Anyone in the mood for a break?" No one said anything or made any immediate moves, so I knew then and there we were ready to start what I assumed would be the final round.
Author's Note
"WHOOO! God damn , I love cock!"
-Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, 2016
Sorry, I just had to.
Here are the scores after the seventh round:
Me: 7