Chapters View Online
Chapter 1: No, “Bucking Bad” Would Have Been a Fucking Stupid Name
If Twilight ever made it back home alive, she would have a very cross letter to write to the Equestrian Union of Laboratory Safety. It turns out that when your species never had a World War 1, you never bother to develop decent gas masks. All kinds of fucking deadly chemical gases were getting into her eyes and nose and it was making it very hard to steer. It’s not that hard to fly an airship, since it’s not exactly like you’re in danger of a traffic accident unless you make the very elementary mistake of aiming down instead of forwards, but it was still an extremely conspicuous mode of transportation, and with the dead bodies in the back sliding around like they were covered in olive oil, there was nothing under heaven that Twilight wanted less than to be noticed.
The gas was getting too much, she had to make a landing. She could still hear the sirens, but she was more likely to survive the pigs than the phosphine gas in her lungs. She slung Rainbow Dash’s comatose body over her back, teleported down to the ground, and watched as the ship made a hasty landing, which is to say crashed into a ditch. Let’s hope the crash destroyed either nothing or everything she thought. If the lab equipment was trashed but the bodies were recognizable, she was going to be piiiissed.
The sirens got louder. Rainbow Dash was still down for the count, resting peacefully on the soft spring grass while Twilight hacked and coughed so hard she sounded like a chicken bone in an activated blender and sweated so hard she matted her hair. It wouldn’t be enough to just teleport away. She had an entire airship full of evidence, hoofprints, illegal chemicals, and two dead stallions. Running away just meant she had to get arrested in front of all of Ponyville instead of right here. Panting hard and steeling her resolve, Twilight pondered over her best cop-killing spell and wondered how the hell she fucked up her life this badly. Then she remembered:
ONE WEEK EARLIER
“SURPRISE!!!!” Pinkie Pie jumped up and down and side to side and also forward and backward, knocking books off their shelves and destroying priceless ancient tomes. Everypony else followed suit in the cheering, but thankfully not in the property damage.
“Happy birthday Twilight! I hope we didn’t surprise you too hard. We didn’t mean to startle you.” Said Fluttershy, Fluttershily.
“Yeah, it’s not really a surprise when it’s the fourth year in a row, but I appreciate your concern for my nerves nevertheless.” Responded Twilight drily.
“Oh, good. That’s a relief.” Said Fluttershy.
“Well, don’t just stand out there, Twilight! Come in! It’s your house after all. Come in, have some cake! We got you presents!” said Rarity. All of that did indeed sound tantalizing to Twilight, and she was more than willing to leave behind her quiet mild annoyance at the repetitive nature of Pinkie’s “surprise” parties if it meant she got free shit from her friends. She and Fluttershy came inside, and she looked around at the decorations that her friends had thrown up while Fluttershy had taken her to see the baby ducks put on an ice-skating show. It had been a pretty mediocre performance. They kept falling over and the mother duck had to awkwardly waddle onto the frozen pond to help them back up every single time. The musical number was great though.
As she greeted the various ponies who had shown up, Twilight zeroed in on the cake. Pinkie Pie must have made it herself. It was large and purple, with three red candles, and written in icing on the higher of the two deckers was the number “30”. Twilight paused.
“Hey Pinkie?”
“Yuh-huh?”
“Why does it say 30 on the cake?”
“Because it’s your birthday silly! You turn 30 today!” Twilight could have sworn she heard glass breaking, but no one else seemed to notice. That couldn’t be right, she couldn’t be 30, right? She was… Uh…. How old was she? Last birthday she was twenty… something. She couldn’t possibly be that old.
“SPIKE!” yelled Twilight. Spike showed up before Twilight even closed her mouth.
“Yes ma’am!”
“Go get me my datebook.”
“Okay but it’s still empty. You haven’t gone on any dates.”
“No, the other date book. The yellow one, at the bottom of the stack on my nightstand.” Spike hurriedly did as he was told, and Twilight uncomfortably flipped through the book while the guests at her party quietly watched.
“Oh shit.” She said.
“What is it, Twilight?” said Applejack.
“It’s true! I am thirty! I thought I was way younger! I thought I was in my early twenties or something! I thought Rarity was the only one in her thirties!”
“Twilight, I’m twenty-three…” said Rarity.
“WHAT‽ YOU’RE THAT YOUNG‽ AM I THE OLDEST ONE HERE‽”
“Twilight, I have a sister in elementary school. I’m not in my thirties.”
“Oh, fuck me. Do you guys know what this means?”
“You can see R-rated movies?” said Pinkie Pie.
“You can run for senator?” said Fluttershy.
“You can rent pornography?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Can I change my answer?” said Pinkie Pie.
“NO! It means I’ve wasted my fucking life! I’m 30 years old and I don’t have a job, I don’t have a family! Look at me, I live in a library!”
“But Twilight,” Rarity protested, “you do have a job! You’re a royal scholar for Princess Celestia. You send her updates on your research every week!”
“That’s not a job, that’s homework! I don’t get paid for that. I pay tuition to her ! Or rather, my rich captain-of-the-guard brother does! I don’t have any income. What have I been doing with my life! The whole thing is just going to pass me by, and I’ll die without having done anything great! Well, unless you count saving the world, but anyone can do that.”
“You’ll die? Twilight, what are you saying? You seem really upset. Did something happen? We thought you’d be happy. It’s a big day. We’re sorry if we did something to make you angry. We just wanted to throw you a party.” Said Fluttershy, on the verge of tears.
Twilight Sparkle sighed, “It’s fine, Fluttershy. I guess I’m just in a bad mood. It’s not your fault. I just need to get some food in me. Let’s cut that cake, huh?”
“But what did you mean when you said you were going to die? You’re only 30, you’re not gonna die any time soon. You got plenty o’ time to do somethin’ great.” Said Applejack.
“It was nothing. I just said something stupid in the moment. Now how about that cake?” Said Twilight. Pinkie Pie was more than happy to end the awkwardness and oblige.
“You don’t have to tell me twice!” said Pinkie Pie, cutting the cake with wild abandon and handing out plates to everypony.
“I did tell you twice.” Said Twilight.
“Did you?”
The party went smoother from that point on. The cake was decent, Rarity got her a gorgeous new jacket, and the attendees were quick to forget Twilight’s angry outburst and have a good time, and talk about more light-hearted things. Particularly, a lot of people were gathering around Applejack, who had quite an interesting story to tell.
“After DJ Pon-3’s tragic overdose last week, Princess Celestia’s set up a task force to deal with the growing crystal meth epidemic in Equestria, and she put me and Bic Macintosh in charge of the whole thing! We have a forensics lab, bulletproof vests, badges, guns, the whole nine yards. I tell y’all, we’ll bust all the dealers in Equestria before the year is out. That’s your tax dollars at work.”
“Wow! It’s going that well? That’s great news! I’m glad something’s being done about that. I don’t know where they’re getting it from, but my animals keep getting into that stuff. I think Angel is selling it to them, but I don’t know where he gets it from.” Said Fluttershy.
“Yeah, we can’t tell you why, state secrets and all, but it really is going well! In fact, tomorrow we’re doing a raid on a meth lab right here in Ponyville. If you wanna come along and watch us bust a bad guy, you’re welcome to come along, Fluttershy!”
“Oh, my. I couldn’t. I really respect what you do, but I wouldn’t be able to handle something that dangerous, even if I’m sure I’d be safe with you along. I don’t do well in those environments.”
“I reckoned you’d say that, but I thought it’d be polite to ask you anyway. Just in case.”
“Hey, Applejack.” Said Twilight, “If Fluttershy’s not coming along, I’d be happy to. I’d love to see a drug bust in action. It would be a good break from reading and writing all day.”
“Sure thing, Twilight! Don’t worry, you won’t be in any danger, you’ll just watch us do the raid from the family wagon. And don’t worry about me and big Mac neither, we’re trained for this kinda thing.”
Applejack was true to her word, and the next morning Twilight rode out with her and Big Macintosh into an unexpectedly affluent corner of Ponyville, and watched intently as the two of them, together with some royal guards, barged into a suburban household and pulled out a scrawny green earth stallion, who flailed wildly as they wrestled him into the ground and hogtied his legs. As he yelled something at them about being in the middle of something, Twilight’s eyes couldn’t help but notice a second story window opening in her peripheral vision. She stared in utter disbelief as Rainbow Dash crawled out of the window and leapt out, taking flight into the early morning sky. Twilight looked around. No one else seemed to have noticed it. They had been too busy reading the earth pony his rights.
It didn’t take long before the guards had completed their raid, and carted out pallets of chemical equipment, along with plenty of meth, and a large metal safe that they cracked open with a crowbar, spilling thousands of priceless gems and jewels out onto the grass.
“Hey, that’s mine! That money was a gift from my aunt, don’t take that!” screamed the earth pony.
“Oh yeah?” said Applejack, “was all that meth from your aunt too? What about all that red phosphorous and pseudoephedrine? Birthday presents I’m guessing? Come on, perp. What’s your name?”
“I’m not telling anypony anything!” he said.
Big Macintosh ruffled through a bag in one of the evidence carts and came out with an ID, which he showed to Applejack.
“Krazy-7 huh? What do you think Krazy one through six would think of your behavior, mister? Makin’ meth? I will admit, you made quite a pretty penny, but we’ll see how pretty your penny is in prison!”
“How much money is that, Applejack?” said Twilight Sparkle, enraptured by the sheer quantity and quality of the gemstones piled high on the lawn.
“Oh, I’d say about 900,000 bits. Give or take.”
“900,000 bits? Is that normal for a bust?”
“Oh yeah, for sure. Meth is a cash cow, especially ‘round these parts. It’s easy money. ‘Til you get caught that is.”
Twilight didn’t tell anyone that she saw Rainbow Dash, but she sure as hell didn’t forget it. That night, she took a visit to Rainbow Dash’s cloudominium.
Knock knock knock.
“I’m busy. Come back later!”
Knock knock knock. No response.
“Rainbow Dash, it’s me.”
Rainbow Dash creaked the door open and looked around shiftily.
“Listen, Twilight. It’s always good to see you, but this isn’t really a good time for me.”
“I’ll be quick.” Said Twilight, forcibly squeezing herself through the door and entering Rainbow Dash’s apartment.
“Uh, what’s up Twi?” said Rainbow Dash, nervously.
“I know you’re a meth dealer.” Rainbow Dash’s face went pale.
“W-what are you talking about?”
“I saw you, during Applejack’s raid.”
“You… you did?” Twilight nodded.
“I knew you sometimes hung with a bad crowd, but crystal meth? I never expected that. Don’t worry, nobody else knows. Applejack’s not gonna hear about this. I’m not going to snitch on my friend.”
“Listen, Twilight. If you came here to give me a spiel about giving myself up and being honest with my friends, and right livelihood and all that-“
“Not really, no”
“-I don’t really have time for a lecture. I gotta dump some evidence, and I gotta do it now. I promise I’ll stay out of the drug trade. I’ll get an honest job. But no speeches, okay?”
“How about a little speech. Your partner, Krazy-7. He got arrested. Feds took his lab, all his money. All your money. You’re back at square one. I’m sure you’ve got bills to pay. I do too. Flight school tuition doesn’t pay itself. But you’ve got no lab, and no cook. But you do have this: you know the business, and I know the science.”
“W-what? Twilight, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying I think we should partner up. I cook, you sell. We split the profits.”
“You wanna cook crystal meth. You. What, are you crazy? You turn 30 and now you just wanna, break bad out of nowhere?”
“I wanna what?”
“What?”
“Yeah.”
“What does that mean. Break bad? I’ve never heard that phrase in my entire life. I think you made that up.”
“Okay, now that you mention it, that was an odd turn of phrase. I’m not sure if anyone says that. But you know what I meant, you’re suddenly super eager to, you know, do a bad thing. I’m not exactly proud about selling meth. What’s your motivation? Why would you want to get into the meth business?”
“Why are you in the meth business?”
“Money.”
“Well, there you go.”
“Nah, I know you better than that. This isn’t about money, Twilight. This is about your mid-life crisis, which, by the way, you’re having a little early. You’re a unicorn, Twilight. You live for like two hundred years. You’re not about to kick the bucket just because you’re 30. You were losing your mind at us at your birthday party, having a breakdown about having wasted your life. And now, one day later, you’re asking me to help you make meth. You’ll be over this in a week, Twilight. Don’t fuck up your life on a whim.”
“This isn’t a whim, Rainbow Dash. I’ve been careful and boring and…. nice, for my entire life. And where has it gotten me? I spent my entire youth without accomplishing anything. I don’t have a house. I don’t have a career. I’ve never made anything. I don’t have a family. I’ve never even had sex.” Rainbow Dash laughed uproariously.
“Oh, is that what this is about? GAYYYYYYY. Listen Twi, if you wanted to fuck me you didn’t need to try and cook crystal meth. You could have just asked for pity cunnilingus on your birthday. And on the very small off chance that you’re not a deeply closeted homosexual, I hope you know that Bic Macintosh will fuck anything for enough apple sauce and methadone.”
“WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP RAINBOW DASH. I’m not cooking meth for pussy. I have cancer. The doctor told me yesterday. I have another two years to live, at best, before I ‘kick the bucket’. So no, I don’t have plenty of time, and no, I didn’t come here to fuck you, I came here to blackmail you. I need money for my treatment, and I’m not leeching off my friends and family anymore. I’m not going to die a parasite. You and I are going to cook meth. You and I are going to sell meth. And if you don’t think so, I think Applejack would be very curious to know what I saw this morning.”
Rainbow Dash was quiet for a moment.
“Where is it?”
“What?”
“Where’s your cancer?”
“My lungs. The doctor said I had maybe a couple of years left with treatment, and mere months with no treatment.”
Rainbow Dash was quiet again for another moment, then sighed.
“I don’t suppose you have a replacement lab picked out?”
“Leave that to me. Just meet me at the library this Saturday. I know a place. I can get the materials. Just be there.”
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
“Please tell me that this ,” Rainbow Dash gestured to the humongous airship directly behind the library, “is not how we’re getting to your ‘place’”.
“It’s not.”
“Thank you.”
“That is the place.”
“I hate you.”
“I know it’s counterintuitive but hear me out. I got this airship as a gift from the city a few years back, to advertise the city’s new literacy program.” The airship consisted of a large purple blimp above a pirate-ship-looking vessel connected to it by string. On the blimp was a large picture of a stack of books and the words “READING ROCKS”. Twilight continued,
“It has no windows, no one’s going to be inspecting it, and no one’s going to think it strange if we decide to take it for a spin. It’s a mobile meth lab. We can take it anywhere, cook at any time. And no one’s going to be suspicious about any weird steam or smells, it’s an airship. They run on benzene and powdered dragon souls, it’s not unusual. Come on inside, I’ll show you the lab.”
Rainbow Dash had low expectations, but the lab was gorgeous. It was a real professional job. Clean as a whistle, well-organized, chemicals stored and labeled clearly on shelves. It was very well done, albeit kind of small.
“Wow. I gotta say. It looks good.” Rainbow Dash looked around, “Where’d you get all this stuff?”
“I stole it from Canterlot laboratories. They’ve got everything and then some.”
“You stole it from Canterlot? How? How did you get away with it?”
“It’s very easy to steal when you can teleport. Trivially easy, really.”
“Wow. Respect. I gotta admit. You’ve really been working hard these past few days….” Rainbow Dash looked all around, “Where’s the pseudo? You’ve got all sorts of stuff here, but where’s the pseudo? How are we gonna cook without it?”
“We’re not using pseudoephedrine. It’s too hard to obtain. I thought of a new formula. We’re going to use this:” Twilight Sparkle removed a large jar from the wall and carefully unscrewed its lid. Rainbow Dash leaned in to peek at its contents.
“Liquid rainbow?” Rainbow Dash said in astonishment, “This stuff is super contraband!”
“Super contraband, but also super intoxicating, and chemically, it works just as well as a precursor in the reaction that produces amphetamine. It’ll make a product with a bigger kick, and it’s easier to come by than pseudoephedrine. Any rainbow is a source, and, in case I need to mention it, we have a pony who can produce rainbows on command. It’s perfect.”
“Damn, you really thought of everything. Hell yeah, Twilight! Yeah, science!”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash flew the airship out to a remote pasture outside of town and did their first cook. As they cooked, Twilight sang this song:
I’ll cook up methampetamine, stop sitting on my ass
I’ll pay for chemotherapy by cooking crystal glass
No additives, no chili powder, quality design
A high-quality product that will work as advertised
Watch as I work my crystal methgic
Phosphorous and methanol
Mix it all up with liquid rainbow
Bake in the oven, that’s all
Watch as I work my crystal methgic
Phosphorous and methanol
Mix it all up with liquid rainbow
Bake in the oven, that’s all
“Yo, holy shit, Twi! This ice, it’s insane! I’ve seen some pure meth in my time, but even compared to the purest meth I’ve seen this has gotta be like, at least 20% purer! You’re a fucking artist Twi! Everypony and their mother is gonna want a taste of this! We’re gonna be rich!”
Twilight Sparkle couldn’t hide her pride, and she nearly danced around the room with joy, but instead she simply smiled ear-to-ear and gave Rainbow Dash a brohoof.
“So, what now?” said Twilight.
“Now? Now, we find a buyer. I know just the guy.”
“Not Krazy-7 I hope.”
“I’ll do you one better. His brother, Krazy-8. He was our distributor, and Krazy-7’s kept his mouth shut, so the feds still don’t know about him. I promise you; he’ll be jumping for joy over this meth. The color might take some explaining though.”
“Yeah, I knew the liquid rainbow was gonna make it pink. I was a little worried about that. Pink meth might not sell so well among teenage foals, but you know what, it gives us a brand identity. Once a customer tries it, they’ll want the pink meth again next time. It’s good marketing. Anyway,” Twilight began lowering the airship back down to the ground, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Let me know what Krazy-8 says.”
Twilight slept like a stone that night, dreaming of gold and silver and jewels, and pink rock candy. In the morning, she sent Spike out on some all-day errand and waited by the door for Rainbow Dash to come. The moment she heard the knock on the door, she instantly opened it up.
“So, how’d i-. Oh, uh, hi. Nice to meet you.”
“It’s nice to meet you too.” Said the mystery pony, a stallion earth pony, dark green with an 8 of diamonds playing card as his cutie mark. “I’m gonna get straight down to business. I’m here with Rainbow Dash, I’m looking for a cook. Is that you?” Twilight nodded. “Well in that case allow me to introduce myself. My name is Krazy-8. I’m a drug dealer. I work with your friend Rainbow Dash. May I come in? Is your lab in here?”
“Actually it’s outside. It’s in the airship. Wanna come take a look?”
“Of course. Oh, by the way, I didn’t catch your name. What was it?”
Twilight didn’t want to give her real name. She blurted out the first pseudonym she could think of:
“It’s Glitter. Glitter Hawk Lips.”
“It’s a pleasure to meet you Glitter Hawk Lips.” Krazy-8 took out a bag of her pink meth. “I’m a really big fan of your work.” The two of them headed into the lab. Krazy-8 whistled.
“Rainbow Dash wasn’t kidding. You’re a genius, Glitter. I’ll be more than happy to have a pony like you working for me.”
“You’ll buy my batch?”
“Are you kidding? I’ll buy your whole stock. You and I, we’ve got a deal.” The two of them shook hooves.
“Oh, you know what, you know who’d love to see this?” said Krazy-8, looking around, “my brother, Krazy-7.” Twilight’s heart nearly stopped.
“Oh, uh yeah. Ha ha. I heard what happened to him. It’s too bad he went to prison. I’d love to show him around.”
“You haven’t heard? He got out on bail, just yesterday. He’s just outside. I’ll go call him in. HEY SEVVIE!” Twilight’s heart started beating harder and harder.
Krazy-7 came inside along with a sweating Rainbow Dash, looked Twilight up and down, and said:
“I’ve seen this pony before. She was there when I was raided. She’s a fed.”
Fuck, thought Twilight.
“Oh, shit!” said Krazy-8, “are you sure?”
“Yep, definitely. That’s her cutie mark and everything. She was standing right there when I was arrested. I think she’s like, best friends with Applejack.”
“Welp,” said Krazy-8, “I guess we gotta kill her.”
“WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT” said Rainbow Dash, “KRAZY-8 WAIT A SECOND, THAT’S MY FRIEND, SHE’S COOL. I CAN VOUCH FOR HER. JUST, CALM DOWN FOR A SE-“ Krazy-7 bashed Rainbow Dash in the head with a boiling flask and she instantly collapsed unconscious. Krazy-8 raised a gun to Twilight’s muzzle.
“Wait wait wait, let’s talk about this!” said Twilight, “I can- I can teach you my recipe! You saw my meth, it’s excellent. I can teach you to make it, just, just leave me alive I promise! I’ll never say anything I’d be incriminated too, I’ll do anything, just don’t shoot!” The Krazies deliberated on this for a minute, then relented.
“Fine,” said Krazy-8, “show us how you cook your pink meth.”
“Absolutely, absolutely, yes sir.” Twilight said, her legs shaking. She hesitantly put on a gas mask and walked slowly over to the phosphorous, Krazy-7’s revolver still pushed firmly against her temple every step of the way.
“First, you take some potassium hydroxide in a big pot like this.”
“Uh huh.”
“Then, you get some phosphorous.”
“Alright.”
“And then you…” Twilight threw the phosphorous into the pot and immediately dived on top of Rainbow Dash’s unconscious body and teleported both of of them into the driver’s room, locking the door behind her and taking off into the sky. She heard the Krazies suffocate and choke on the phosphine gas in the room behind her, and she knew the phosphine gas was beginning to seep into the room with her and Dash. Hopefully it would be just enough to kill the right ponies.
Then all that shit at the beginning of the chapter happened. I hope you didn’t forget it. I’m not writing the same scene a second time.
She had hoped she’d make it further out of Ponyville than she ended up, so that she’d have a place to bury the bodies, and also so as not to douse her backyard in phosphine gas, but she didn’t make even make it out of city limits. The ship had landed in a ditch right outside the Everfree Forest. And those fucking sirens. Those pigs were fast; she’d give them that. She and Rainbow Dash were totally boned. It looked like the last two years of her life were gonna be spent in prison. Weeoo weeoo weeoo, the sirens blared. They were so loud, so high pitched, so annoying. Wait…
“WEEOOO WEEOOO WEEOOO!” said Pinkie Pie, merrily galloping towards the two of them. “THERE YOU ARE! Hi Twilight Sparkle! Hi Rainbow Dash! Need a hoof with your ship?”
“No, we’re good. Thank you. We were just taking the old ship out for a joy ride on this beautiful spring morning and well, Rainbow Dash insisted that she wanted to try landing the thing.”
“Oh, Rainbow Dash… Rainbow Dash? Hellooooo.”
“She’s taking a nap right now. Very exciting day.”
“Oh, that makes sense. Nice talking to you Twilight!”
“Thanks Pinkie. See you later!” Twilight didn’t do anything until she saw Pinkie vanish over the horizon, then she shook Rainbow Dash awake.
“Huh, what?” Rainbow Dash said groggily, rubbing her head with her front hooves, “What happened?”
“How good are you at burying bodies?” asked Twilight.
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Chapter 2: Try Getting a Reservation at Horsia Now, You Fucking Stupid Bastard!
“You got the stuff, Glitter?” Twilight nodded, and handed over her neatly folded box of pink meth. Sunset Shimmer looked like a filly next to her two massive earth pony bodyguards, but everypony present looked at her tensely and warily as she took out a crystal, smashed it up with her hooves, and snorted it off the disgusting landfill dirt she was standing on.
“WOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!” she said, galloping in circles like a puppy about to go for a walk, “THAT KICKS LIKE A MULE WITH ITS BALLS WRAPPED IN DUCT TAPE! Keep bringing me that shit, Glitter, and we’re gonna make a hell of a lot of money together. OH SHIT YEAH! AH YEAH BITCH! LET’S FUCKING GOOO!” Sunset snorted up a little more meth, and then motioned to the bodyguard on her left to toss Twilight and Rainbow the burlap sack full of money. Sunset insisted vehemently that she would only pay in the form of burlap sacks with dollar signs on them. Twilight thought it was wildly irresponsible but something about Sunset’s demeanor told her that she wasn’t the type of pony people found it easy to say no to.
“Alright, pleasure doing business with you, Glitter!” she said.
“Yeah,” said the bodyguard on her right, “just remember who you’re working for!”
“What did you say?”
“I’m just saying. They better remember they’re working for you.”
“Oh, yeah. Yeah, well said. I agree! Yeah you ponies better remember who you’re working for!”
Rainbow finished counting the money, “It’s all there, Glitter. We’re good to go. See you next week Sunset!”
“Yeah, see you later! Oh, by the way.” Sunset began to change the topic, as she usually did when she was high on meth, “Anypony doing anything fun this weekend? I feel like I never see you guys outside of work.” Twilight and Rainbow Dash hesitated.
“Uh, we’re actually going to a party this Saturday.” Said Rainbow Dash, truthfully.
“Oh, that’s sick. You should bring some of your meth. It’ll be a big hit. How ‘bout you, No-Doze? Doing anything interesting?” Sunset Shimmer said, looking at the henchstallion to her left.
“You know it! Me and my girlfriend are going out to dinner on Sunday. We got an 8:30 reservation at Horsia!” Sunset’s smile immediately dropped.
“You…. Have a reservation at Horsia? You?”
“Yeah! My girlfriend knows the head chef. She got us a table. She says the apple almond cake is delicious.”
“Let me get this straight.” Said Sunset Shimmer, circling No-Doze, her lips shaking in anger, “The guy I pay to stand next to me while I buy meth, you can get a table at Horsia, the fanciest restaurant in the city? Meanwhile me, I’m the pony who fucking runs this city, and I can’t get a reservation. Help me wrap my head around this. Does that make sense? What about you Glitter, does that make sense to you?” Twilight said nothing.
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Shimmer, I didn’t know it was a sore subject. I was just, you know, I was just uh…”
“You were just bragging to me. So what, you think you’re better than me? Is that what you think?”
“No, no, Sunset Shimmer, that’s not what I think at all. I don’t think I’m better than you.”
“Oh, so now you’re calling me a liar? You think I’M FUCKING LYING TO YOU? YOU’D DARE TO SAY THAT TO ME?”
“Sunset,” said Twilight, “let’s relax.” Sunset laughed.
“Relax. Glitter says to relax. Alright, I’m relaxed. I’m relaxed.” No-Doze breathed a sigh of relief. Then Sunset Shimmer bit his dick off.
Rainbow Dash screamed in shock as No-Doze collapsed to the ground in pain, writhing and wriggling all over the place, covering the lower half of his body in a mixture of blood and dirt as he involuntarily spasmed with pain. Sunset Shimmer pranced around him with his dick her in mouth watching him cry for a few circles, then held down his head to the ground with her hoof, keeping it still for a few seconds. Then she flashed her horn and teleported his severed dick into his left eye socket. He screamed uncontrollably as his retina was telefragged, some of his eye exploding out around his socket and all over his surroundings, and some of his eye getting shot back into his brain, pressed up against his brain by his flared pony glans, which was fit snugly into his skull’s eyehole. And if you thought that that was disturbing to read, it was ten times as disturbing to watch. Especially for Rainbow Dash, since some of his exploded cornea had landed on her nose.
Sunset Shimmer grinned wickedly as she kicked his collapsed body repeatedly, relishing his high-pitched banshee wailing. Then she repeatedly crushed his skull with her hooves until it resembled a blended peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT HORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD!” she screamed, nearly reaching the same volume No-Doze had when he was still alive a few seconds ago.
Neither Twilight nor Rainbow Dash said or did anything.
“HA HA YEAH! WOOH! Alright, Glitter. Next week!” Sunset trotted away, leaving bloody hoofprints in her wake.
NEXT SATURDAY
“This cheese is to die for Rarity!” said Lyrica, “What is it called? I must purchase some for myself. It’s really quite delectable.”
“It’s called honey bee goat cheese. It’s not easy to get around here, but I always spring for the best cheese when I’m hosting a dinner party. I’m a lover of quality. I really think that- oh my, is that Twilight Sparkle? Excuse me for one second Lyrica.”
“Of course.”
Rarity put down her champagne glass and trotted over to Twilight.
“Twilight!” Rarity gave her a hug, “I’m so glad you could make it! I was worried you wouldn’t come! Did you just arrive? Here, try some of the champagne.”
“Thank you Rarity, I will. Sorry for being late, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.” Rarity nodded gravely,
“The cancer… I heard… Twilight, I am so sorry. If there’s anything you… If there’s anything at all you need from us, please remember that you can ask us for anything. We’re your friends, and we care about you. We’ll support you through this. We love you Twilight.”
“Thank you Rarity. Speaking of my friends, where’s Rainbow Dash?”
“Rainbow Dash? You just missed her. She arrived late as well. She said her introductions, and disappeared into Sweetie Belle’s room. She clearly hasn’t taken the news well… She seemed really upset, although she didn’t want to talk about it…”
“I’m gonna go talk to her.” Said Twilight, saying nothing else as she swiftly left up the stairs and knocked on Sweetie Belle’s door.
“Yeah?” said Sweetie Belle.
“Is Rainbow Dash there?” said Twilight. Sweetie Belle opened the door and Twilight went in, paying little mind to the filly.
“Rainbow Dash, we need to talk.” Said Twilight. Rainbow Dash looked withdrawn. She looked away from Twilight and didn’t speak.
“Yeah she hasn’t been very talkative today.” Said Sweetie Belle, “I don’t think she’s in a very sociable mood right now.”
“Sweetie Belle could you, could you leave us alone for a minute? I really really need to talk to Rainbow Dash, in private.” Said Twilight.
“It’s my room.” Said Sweetie Belle, “where am I supposed to go?”
“Why don’t you enjoy your sister’s party? Why don’t you try the cheese?”
“Why don’t you? And I’m lactose intolerant. I don’t like parties, I-“
“Sweetie Belle, here’s 100 bits. Go and hang out with your sister.”
“Yes ma’am!” said Sweetie Belle, absconding without further complaint. After she left, Twilight closed the door and turned Rainbow Dash’s head towards her.
“Rainbow Dash, we need to talk about Sunset Shimmer.”
“Oh we do, huh? Do we, Twilight? Why? She seemed like a perfectly fucking nice pony to me! OF COURSE WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SUNSET SHIMMER. I haven’t slept in two days, Twilight! She teleported a guy’s dick into his eye, for like, nothing! Every time we sell to her, we’re risking our own lives. We were right fucking there. We’re witnesses, Twilight. We’re loose ends! Right this very moment, she’s in some crack den, thinking, ‘yeah, they cook good meth, but can I trust them?’. What are we going to do when she decides ‘no’? What the FUCK are we going to do, Twilight?”
“She needs to go. We both know that she needs to go. There’s only two ways this ends. It’s either her or it’s us. Sunset needs to go.”
“So what, we just, off her? You wanna pick a fight with Mrs. A Serbian Film? Because I don’t. She’s a unicorn. And a powerful one at that. And she never goes anywhere without her bodyguards, her posse. How do you kill a pony like that, huh?”
“With this.” Said Twilight, removing a plastic baggie full of white powder.
“Cocaine?”
“No. Ricin. It’s a poison. Tasteless, odorless, extremely lethal in very small doses. It kills slowly, via symptoms indistinguishable from flu. All we need to do is get her to inhale, or eat, some of this, and we’re safe. She goes home. We go home. She dies. End of story.”
Rainbow Dash looked away from Twilight a few seconds,
“That’s it?” she said.
“That’s it. No trace. No evidence. No more Sunset.”
“…I’m in.” said Rainbow Dash, quietly, “how do we do it?”
“I have a plan,” said Twilight, “but I need you to help me with it for it to work. All we need to d-“ the door opened. Twilight scrambled to put away the ricin.
“Twilight? Can we come in?” said Rarity.
“No.” said Twilight, but Rarity and a string of other ponies were already in the room.
“Twilight, I know you want some alone time right now, and we understand that, but we wanted to talk to you about, well, treatment.” Said Applejack.
“This isn’t really a good time. Could you maybe come back later?”
“Please Twilight,” said Fluttershy, “we care about you. We want you to have the best cancer treatment available. But we know you don’t have health insurance, and well… If you need-“
“I’m fine, Fluttershy.” Said Twilight, “Don’t worry about me. Don’t pity me. I’ve already started treatment.”
“You have?” said Fluttershy, “Oh, that’s great news. Where?”
“The Princess Popcorn memorial hospital in Fillydelphia. I had my first consultation earlier this week, and next week I start chemo.”
“The Princess Popcorn memorial hospital?” said Rarity, “That’s incredible! That’s one of the best hospitals in Equestria! How did you afford it?”
“My money is my own business Rarity. Not yours.”
“Well jeez, Twilight. I didn’t know money was such a sore subject for you. But if you ever need help, just remember our doors are always open.”
“I don’t need help.” Said Twilight, “but I do need to talk to Rainbow Dash. So if you wouldn’t mind, I-“
“Oh my look who it is!” said Rarity, her eye catching something outside of the door, “Sunseeeet! Sunset Darling! Come on in here, I want you to meet somebody! Sunset, this is one of my best friends, Twilight Sparkle. Twilight, this is Sunset Shimmer, a friend of mine from Canterlot!” As she walked through the door, Sunset’s eyes met Twilight’s and grew as large of dinner plates. Twilight’s followed suit. Rainbow Dash tried to jump under the bed but failed, and hit her head against the wooden bedframe, causing her to cry out in pain.
“Rainbow Dash! Are you alright?” said Fluttershy.
“Oh, you know,” said Rainbow Dash, grimacing in pain, “I’m alright. I just uh, thought I saw a coin on the ground there. Excuse me for one second.” Rainbow Dash tried to dash out of the room, but Sunset blocked her.
“Hi! You must be Rainbow Dash! Rarity told me about you. It’s nice to finally meet you in person. My name is Sunset Shimmer.”
“Hi.” Said Rainbow Dash. Sunset Shimmer went in for an uncomfortably long and touchy hug. Sunset looked at Twilight dead in the eye while she caressed Rainbow Dash’s back.
“Well, it was great meeting you, Sunset, but I really should go now. I’ve got to, um, I have a thing with, uh… I just gotta go!”
“Well you can’t leave now, Rainbow Dash!” said Rarity.
“Well why not?”
“Because we haven’t even served dinner yet!”
DINNER
“And so now I have to go to ‘anger management training’, whatever that is.” Said Suri. The table laughed heartily.
“Great dinner Rarity!” said Derpy Hooves, tucking into her second helping of roasted carrot stew. The dinner was great, but Twilight wouldn’t know. She hadn’t touched her food. Any food would taste like ash in her mouth at a time like this. It was a living nightmare. She was here . Somehow or other, she was right fucking there, at the table, chatting with the other guests. Sunset Shimmer knew her name now, and there were many, many other things that Twilight didn’t want her to find out.
“Hey!” said Twilight, attempting a jovial tone, “does anypony feel like some more champagne?”
“I do!” said Sunset, enthusiastically.
“Sunset, that’s your fifth glass of champagne today!” said Rarity, “Don’t you think you should maybe slow down?” Sunset’s eyes sunk back into her skull until she resembled a lich, and she stared with blank contempt at Rarity, until Rainbow Dash intervened.
“Hey, come on Rarity, it’s a party. What’s a few extra glasses of champagne?” she said.
“I agree Rainbow Dash. I’ll go get some more champagne from the kitchen!” said Twilight.
“I’ll come with!”
As Twilight poured champagne, she spoke in hushed tones with Rainbow Dash.
“It has to be now. It can’t be later; it has to be now. Sooner or later, she’s going to find out about Applejack’s latest job, or squeal about OUR latest job, or maybe she’ll just kill someone for fun. We’re not safe, and our friends are not safe, until she’s dead.” Twilight removed the ricin and poured some very carefully into a champagne glass, and stirred it.
“Remember, this glass is for sunset. If someone else drinks it, they die. If she doesn’t drink it, she lives. Either way, we’re fucked. So she NEEDS to drink it.” Rainbow Dash gulped and nodded. Each of them took a few glasses and brought them to the table, passing them out one at a time, pony by pony.
Sunset Shimmer picked up her glass to take a sip, but before it touched her lips she was interrupted by a tink tink tink as Rarity clinked a carrot against her glass.
“I’d like to thank everypony for coming out today. Especially my best friends, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack. I know we’ve had some tragic news lately, and we’re all worried about the future, but just for tonight, I want our minds to only be on the magic of friendship. Aaaaand…” she continued, her smile growing, “mayyyybe not just tonight! Because next week I’m taking the five of you out for dinner at the fanciest restaurant in Ponyville!” Wild cheers from Applejack and Pinkie Pie.
“Oh, Rarity!” said Fluttershy, “you can’t mean-“
“I don’t mean!” said Rarity, “I nice! And that’s why I’m taking you out for dinner at Horsia!” The table applauded, minus three.
“Congratulations,” said Sunset, sweating profusely, “very nice. Very impressive.”
“Thank you, Sunset! I had to make a lot of phone calls to get a reservation there, you know.”
“Hey Rarity.” Said Sunset.
“Yes?”
“Does this champagne look a little funny to you?” Twilight’s heart stopped.
“It looks fine to me.” Said Rarity.
“Why don’t you take a closer look.” Rarity leaned in and Sunset Shimmer smashed the glass against her face, spilling champagne and broken glass all over the floor. Rarity screamed, and the rest of the room followed suit, as she began bleeding from her face.
“I’ll be right back.” Said Sunset Shimmer calmly, leaving the room in the ensuing bedlam as everypony swarmed around Rarity. Twilight and Rainbow Dash looked at each other, and Twilight desperately tried to think up a plan, but mere seconds later Sunset was back in the room.
“EVERYPONY SHUT THE FUCK UP. HOOVES IN THE AIR.” She screamed. Twilight couldn’t even begin to guess where she had gotten it from in the few seconds she was gone, but she was holding a flamethrower with her front legs.
“Woah woah woah, Sunset! Let’s talk about this!” said Rainbow Dash, running up in front of the table.
“I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Sunset Shimmer balanced the flame thrower with her left front leg as she removed a bag of pink meth with her right. Then she removed a copious quantity and snorted it off the ground.
“WOOOOOH! TIGHT, TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT! FUCK YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!” she said. The party’s guests, including now Rainbow Dash, were utterly silent, although Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle were softly crying. “You know what that shit is? That’s the Glitter Hawk Lips premium. No one makes it like her. Too bad she’s gotta die, along with everyone else in this room.”
“Sunset…” Rarity said, shakily standing up, Fluttershy wiping blood off her face (and not doing a very good job because she couldn’t bear to look at it, so she was mostly guessing), “w-what is this all about?”
“What is this about? WHAT IS THIS ABOUT‽ You know exactly what this is about, Rarity. You invite me over to your house, brag to me about your cheese, you invite my own meth cook! And then you have the GALL to invite YOUR friends to Horsia! A table for SIX PONIES at Horsia? Who’d you suck off to get that, huh? Well that’s the difference between you and me, Rarity. I DON’T SUCK OFF NO ONE. ESPECIALLY NOT YOU. I- hold on. This meth needs a little cocaine.” Sunset Shimmer took out a different bag and did two lines on the ground before continuing.
“OOOOH YEEEAAHHH! Where was I?” she said.
“Sucking off.” Said Derpy.
“Right! Thank you! YOU’RE NOT FUCKING BETTER THAN ME. I’M BETTER THAN YOU. I’M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU. IF ANYONE DESERVES A TABLE AT HORSIA IT’S ME! I RUN THE METH CITY IN THIS BUSINESS, I MEAN THE METH BUSINESS IN THIS CITY. AND NOW THAT YOU KNOW, YOU ALL GOTTA DIE. YOU’RE GONNA DIE. YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE TODAY!” Sunset snorted a little more meth.
Suri tried to bolt out the door. Sunset exploded her head with her mind. Her blood flew all over the place, landing in the champagne and splattering over everypony. Chunks of skull and brain were in Twilight’s mane. Sweetie Belle and Fluttershy were no longer the only ponies crying.
“I’m going to burn this house down with a flamethrower!” she said, her eyes bulging erratically, “I’m going to kill Rarity, I’m going to kill Glitter, then I’m going to kill the rest of you lot, and then I’m going to kill myself! Because I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! I AM A GOD! I AM YOUR GOD! Hold on, I need some heroin.” The only sounds in the room were heavy breathing and desperate sobbing as Sunset put a belt around her leg and injected herself with some black tar heroin.
“You’re all gonna… you’re gonna… it’ gosfoasaaaaaaaa…” Sunset said. And then she died.
“Is she…” Fluttershy squeaked weakly, “you know?” Applejack slowly and carefully walked over to the body and checked her pulse.
“She’s dead.” The room breathed a sigh of relief.
“Well.” Said Rarity, trying to regain her composure, “I think, that it would be for the best, if we all went home now.”
“Hold on a second there.” Said Applejack, “I don’t know about y’all, but I heard something rather interesting in Sunset’s ramblings. Before she died, she said that this meth,” Applejack picked up the baggie of pink meth, “was manufactured by a mare named Glitter Hawk Lips, and that she was in this room!” Applejack turned and faced the string of ponies before her.
“Sunset Shimmer wasn’t the only drug dealer at this party. Someone here manufactured that meth. And I intend to find out who. Two ponies are dead today because of drugs. I hate to make today any worse for y’all, but I can’t let them get away with it. Everypony line up so I can see y’all.” They all did as they were told.
“Spike, take a note. Our suspects are all the mares in this room, and that includes me, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Sweetie Belle, Photo Finish, Suri Polomare, Coco Pommel, Lyrica Lilac, Cherry Jubilee, Thistle Whistle, Cheerilee, and Derpy Hooves. All of you are suspects in the manufacture and distribution of illegal methamphetamine, under the name Glitter Hawk Lips.”
Chapter 3: Slippin' Trixie
(AN: this chapter begins with a song. If you’re wondering how it goes, here’s me singing it. https://vocaroo.com/1kdQxKiAio4i )
Young foal in Manehattan, named Slippin’ Slide
Scammer and con artist, boy he was sly
But good things can’t last and he had to flee
Tried to turn his life around and got a degree
Now she’s a grown mare and practices law
But brother Rock Slide still thinks she’s an outlaw
She tries to be clean tries to do the right thing
But old habits die hard and the money sings
Fraud, drug trafficking, money laundering, impersonation
Criminal conspiracy, witness tampering, false accusations
Fraud, drug trafficking, money laundering, impersonation
Criminal conspiracy, witness tampering, false accusations
Crime sure does pay plenty, ain’t that the truth
Scruples are bygones of a naïve youth
Criminal names in her little black book
With her connections you’ll get off the hook
One brother dead and a life left behind
Quiet regrets in the back of her mind
Living in fear is the price of the game
But money soothes every illness and pain
Fraud, drug trafficking, money laundering, impersonation
Criminal conspiracy, witness tampering, false accusations
Fraud, drug trafficking, money laundering, impersonation
Criminal conspiracy, witness tampering, false accusations
“Good night! Thank you for dining with us!” said Sally, holding the door open for the Adler family as they waddled fatly out of the door, after lingering in the restaurant for 45 minutes past closing time. As the 11-year-old Hunter Adler stopped watching tiktoks at full volume on his phone long enough to exit Phoenix Arizona’s 4th busiest Olive Garden, Sally closed the door, locked it, and sighed. Most of the staff had already left. It was just her and the manager. She walked into the back to deliver the good word.
“They’re gone. I’m going home.” Said Sally, removing her apron. As usual, Mrs. Person said nothing. She just sat there, looking sullen, the bags under her eyes trying to drag her down into her grave. Mrs. Person almost never didn’t look suicidal, but she looked especially bad today, even accounting for the fact that she was still at work at 11:45 pm on Saturday. She didn’t look up to look at Sally, she just sat there doodling.
“Can I see what you’re drawing?”
“…”
Sally leaned over to take a look.
“Nice work. You’ve gotten really good at drawing. You must practice a lot. Remember when we first met, a few years ago? You couldn’t even write. It was like you had never held a pen before. I guess you must not have done it a lot as a child.”
“Never.” Said Mrs. Person.
“Is there a reason you only ever draw ponies?”
“They remind me of better times.”
“How so?”
Mrs. Person sighed. She liked to sigh when she wanted to express to the person whom she was talking to that she didn’t want to answer a question. She finished her sketch by naming it, in big letters across the top. Her handwriting was still pretty bad, but it was legible enough.
“Slippin’ Trixie.” Read Sally, “is she supposed to be you?” Trixie nodded.
“I like her,” said Sally, “she exudes confidence.” Sally left the building, eager to return home to her boyfriend. Trixie was in no rush. She had nothing waiting for her at her house. She twirled her pen absentmindedly, dropping it almost immediately, as she usually did. She dropped a lot of things. She didn’t pick it up. She stared at the ceiling, lacking the will to move her body. She just stared, and thought about her life. She didn’t value it at all. She hated her life. She wanted it to be over. She had nothing left. She used to be somepony, now she was nobody. And it was all because of that piece of shit Twilight Sparkle.
YEARS EARLIER
“Trixie is quite happy to say that your friend Rainbow Dash is a free pony, as of this morning. It really wasn’t a big deal. The feds raided her house, since she was a suspect in the Glitter case, found some marijuana, and arrested her. But they couldn’t find any evidence that she was involved in crystal meth, so they didn’t have any charges. They couldn’t lock her up for the marijuana, because you can’t arrest somepony on evidence unrelated to the reason for your search warrant blah blah blah constitutional rights I’m sure you know it all already. You are quite the bookworm after all! Really, you didn’t have to call me up so worried. Something like this is trivial for the great and powerful Trixie! Now, Trixie believes that all that’s left is the matter of, ahem, my payment.”
Twilight handed over a sack full of cash. Trixie counted it very quickly.
“Cash, Trixie loves when clients pay in cash. Thank you very much. I believe our time here is done.”
“Actually,” said Twilight, “There’s something else I’d like to discuss with you.”
“Oh?”
“I want you to get me off.”
“Oh my!” said Trixie, “I’m flattered, but I’m afraid I’m a lawyer, not a whore. There is a slight difference.”
“You know what I fucking mean, Trixie.”
“Actually,” said Trixie, “considering that you’re not under arrest, I don’t think Trixie does know what you mean. I’m sure you’re shivering in your saddle because the feds raided your house and found all your yaoi, it always scares the upright types, but they didn’t find anything. The great and powerful Trixie would know, if they had good cause to arrest you, they would have done it already. There’s nothing to get you off of. You’re just being paranoid because the police are in your business for the first time in your life.”
“I don’t think you really understand the situation,” said Twilight, “they’re going to keep snooping around, and eventually they’re going to find something.”
“Oh yeah?” said Trixie, clearly amused, “and what are they going to find? Your copy of ‘How to be a Total Dork?’ I’m surprised you don’t keep it at the library. It would be a best-seller in this town. Now get out of here, the great and powerful Trixie has other clients to attend to.”
Twilight leaned in close.
“They’re going to find my meth lab. I’m Glitter. I’m the one they’re looking for. The police are investigating me and it’s only a matter of time before they find out I’m guilty. I was told you were the kind of lawyer who could, you know, help out a pony like me. You were highly recommended.” Trixie looked stupefied.
“I beg your pardon?” Twilight maintained her taciturn expression as she made direct eye contact.
“You heard me. So help me shed the heat, and there’s 50,000 bits in it for you.”
“…”
TEN MINUTES LATER
“How are you feeling today Rarity? Any better?” said Rainbow Dash.
“A little bit…” said Rarity, “I just don’t know what happened… At first I thought it was from my injuries with the glass, but the doctors say there was no infection. They stitched me up very professionally, sent me out, but later that night I felt so incredibly sick. It was like I had the flu, but the doctors say they couldn’t find any virus. They just don’t know what went wrong. I’m feeling better today, but I fear it may be a while before I can really start living my life again. I had Fluttershy call Sapphire Shores and tell him that I won’t make my next deliveries. I hope Sweetie Belle does alright… She’s living with Applejack for now, but she practically lives here. She can’t stop visiting me. She’s so worried. Thank you for coming by, Rainbow Dash. It means a lot.”
“I got you this.” Said Rainbow Dash, removing a book from a satchel, “It’s the first Daring Do book. I don’t know how much you’ll like it, but it’s what Twilight got for me when I was in the hospital, and it made my stay a lot easier on me. It might not be for you, but I hope you like it.” Rainbow Dash was nearly in tears as she placed the book on the side table and hugged Rarity tightly, trying not to cry.
Twilight barged into Rarity’s hospital room, pushing past everypony and grabbing Rainbow Dash.
“Twilight…” said Rarity weakly, “It’s so good to see you again. You were just here a few hours ago.”
“I can’t stay and chat Rarity, I need to talk to Rainbow Dash, it’s very urgent.” Twilight frantically pulled Rainbow Dash out of the room before anyone could protest and teleported the both of them into the library.
“Yo, what the hell Twilight! I was visiting Rarity! Couldn’t this wait?”
“No it cannot wait, Rainbow Dash. I told her everything! I told her I was Glitter! I asked her to help me hide the evidence for 50,000 bits!”
“And?”
“And she refused! She told me it was ‘obstruction of justice’ and ‘a moral outrage’! She said she was going to call the police! We’re fucked! I can’t believe you let me trust her!”
“Wait back up a second. Trixie said she was going to call the police? Slippin’ Trixie refused to take 50,000 dollars, that Trixie? For real?”
“Yes, ‘for real’. We’re going to go to jail! I’m so fucking stupid! What are we going to do!”
“Okay, let’s relax for a sec. I think I have a plan.”
LATER THAT NIGHT
Snips and Snails shoed Trixie’s last client out the door, before clocking out. Trixie stayed in a little longer, and drew a picture of herself as an alicorn. It was a keeper. She thought it was good enough to take home and maybe put up on the wall. She thumbed through the day’s acquisitions. She’d made a hell of a lot of money today. Her brother had always told her there was more money in law than in crime, and that may be true, but Trixie found that the only profession more profitable than a criminal lawyer, was a criminal lawyer. Still, it was a profession where one had to watch their back. Twilight Sparkle had come in earlier that very same day, probably wearing a wire, trying to get intel about the Glitter case. Whoever the hell Glitter was, Canterlot must want her pretty damn bad, considering the D-team was out on the town, trying to squeeze every shady character in Ponyville for tips. Not to mention turning twenty houses inside out looking for meth. They were desperate. Glitter wasn’t going to stay out of the task force’s eyes for long, that was for sure. Maybe the real Glitter would choose Trixie to defend her in court after she got arrested. That sounded like good money. Something to think about.
Trixie turned off the lights in her office, headed out the door, locked up, and started the trek home, and then somepony put a bag on her head, hogtied her legs together, and threw her into the back of a wagon. Trixie struggled uselessly against the restraints while screaming for about four seconds, before trying the much smarter plan of using her magic to break them, but her horn shined dimly as the sack over her head seemed to absorb the magic. It was made out of that anti-magic material. There was nothing she could do but try to reason with her captors as she felt the wagon take off underneath her.
“Hey, what’s this about? Guys? Listen, whatever this is I’m sure we can solve it with money. I have lots of money! Hello? Come on talk to me, just tell me what you want. I’m sure we can work it out.” Trixie tried for a while, but received no response. After laying on hardwood long enough to make her back hurt like a motherfucker, the carriage stopped and she was pulled by two ponies out onto the grass.
When they removed her bag, Trixie could see where they had taken her. Directly in front of an open grave. Trixie felt a gun pressed against the back of her head.
“OH NO! OH NO NO NO NO NO NO! NO IT WASN’T ME IT WAS NACHO HE’S THE ONE! IT WAS HIM! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!” Trixie turned and pleaded to her two masked abductors, tears streaming down her face.
“What the hell are you talking about. Who’s Nacho?” Said the pegasus.
“Wh-“ said Trixie, stuttering in shock, “Odyssea didn’t send you?”
“No.” she said, and Trixie believed her, because she recognized the voice as that of Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, oh thank Celestia. Oh fuck. Oh fuck me. I thought…” Trixie took a few deep breaths of relief. “Well,” she continued, attempting to restore her confident demeanor, “in that case, what can I do for you fine ponies?”
“Earlier today, we gave you an offer. You should have taken it.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“We? You mean? Ah shit don’t tell me. Twilight actually was Glitter? Applejack didn’t put her up to that?” Twilight looked away.
“Ha! Wow, consider me genuinely surprised,” said Trixie, “sorry girls, I wasn’t exactly keen on taking a bribe from Princess Celestia’s pet bureaucrat. No offense but you never struck me as the criminal type. But hey, I’m more than willing to do anything now! I’m going to keep a happy thought and assume that this,” Trixie craned her neck to gesture towards the open grave with her head, “is just a negotiating tactic. You want to throw the feds? I’m your pony, alright? I’ll take your money, just tell me what you want.”
“The task force is snooping into my business.” Said Twilight, “They almost found my money when they raided my house, but I had the foresight to hide it at Fluttershy’s place before they arrived. They wrecked my library, and sooner or later they’re going to finish wrecking all the other houses on the suspect list and start going through my other stuff, and they’re going to find my meth lab. I need them to not find anything, I need them to stop their investigation. I need to be able to cook meth and pay my bills again without being tracked. It’s too dangerous to cook right now, and dealing is completely off limits, especially since there was an uh, an issue with our distributor.”
“Okay, okay. Listen. They know for sure that it’s one of the suspects. They’re going to keep looking until they find somepony. The way I see it, somepony’s got to go to prison. But…” Trixie said, “that doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be you.”
“What are you suggesting?” said Twilight.
“First things first,” said Trixie, “could you please undo these ropes? I don’t mean to be rude, but these are hardly ideal working conditions for me.” Rainbow Dash looked at Twilight, then complied. Trixie stood up and stretched.
“Oh, that’s a lot better.” She said, “Anyway, before we continue, I’m going to need my retainer.”
“Your retainer?” said Twilight, “you had your chance at your retainer. Your payment is going home tonight with your head still attached to your body. No retainer.”
“Well hear me out.” Said Trixie, “Without payment, you don’t have attorney-client privilege. If you pay, you’re officially a client, and I’m legally obligated not to say anything to the police under threat of disbarment. Believe me, take my legal advice here, it’s in your best interest to pay up.”
“No way.” Said Twilight.
“Oh for fuck’s sake,” said Rainbow Dash, pulling out her money, “Here. You can take my money. I still have plenty. Everybody wins. Now what’s the plan?”
“Congratulations and welcome to the family,” said Trixie, “I hope you don’t mind if I eschew the whole ‘Great and Powerful Trixie’ thing. That’s more of a stage name. My real name is Slippin’ Trixie. Used to be Slippin’ Slide, but my family disowned me. I don’t really have time to get into it. As for the plan,” she said, flipping through the cash, “the plan is we frame somepony. They go to prison. You don’t.”
“I don’t feel comfortable framing an innocent pony for a crime that we committed.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Hey, I never said they had to be innocent! Just innocent of the particular crime we’re accusing them of. Who are the suspects? Besides you two of course.”
Twilight Sparkle removed a list from the wagon and read it out.
“Me, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Sweetie Belle, Photo Finish, Suri Polomare, Coco Pommel, Lyrica Lilac, Cherry Jubilee, Thistle Whistle, Cheerilee, and Derpy Hooves.”
“Well,” Trixie pondered it over, “Applejack is clearly off limits…”
“All of our friends are off limits!” Rainbow Dash snapped.
“Okay okay, I get it. No Fluttershy, no Pinkie Pie. Yada yada yada. But why are they so certain it’s one of these ponies? What’s the common thread? Why is Applejack on her own suspect list?”
“All of the mares on that list were present at the party where Sunset Shimmer died.” Said Twilight, “Sunset snapped at Rarity for inviting her meth cook to the party, and name dropped my pseudonym. Then she got high on my meth, threatened to burn down the building, and exploded a pony’s head with her magic when she tried to escape. Applejack knows it could only be one of the mares, because she called me ‘she’.”
“Wait back up a bit.” Said Trixie, “Somepony got their head blown up? Who?”
“Some friend of Rarity’s from Manehattan named Suri. Sometimes she went by Buttonbelle. She was a huge cunt, but she hung out with Rarity sometimes because they were both really into fashion.”
“An unlikable out-of-towner got merced at the party, and you had to come to me to figure out how to get out of this? Come on girls, do I need to spell it out for you? Frame the dead girl. This is 101 stuff. How long have you been in this business huh? How long has she been dead?”
“Four days now.”
“Nice. Nice and recent. I know what to do. Leave it all to me.”
THE NEXT DAY
Finger Flyer hadn’t been in Manehattan in a long time, but he knew the city well. He’d spent most of his life in Fillydelphia, but he had lived in Manehattan for several years. It’s where he’d met Trixie, back before either of them knew where they wanted their lives to go. Today he was back there on a job. A simple job. A frameup. About a week earlier a mare named Suri Polomare went on a little trip out of town to Ponyville, where she died. 5,000 bits wanted Finger to plant some meth in her apartment, then send in an anonymous tip. The job would have been better to do earlier in the morning, when fewer eyes would be open, but Manehattan is a long way away from Ponyville, and the task was too time sensitive to wait until the next morning.
Finger lingered around the entrance to the apartment lobby, then when somepony came inside, he quickly followed behind them, following them into the elevator, and heading up to the eighth floor.
The building was quite nice. Suri must have been a rich pony. Finger trotted casually down the hallway to her room. Room 825. But the door was already open. Finger leaned in to peer inside. Shit.
The place was crawling with police officers. The apartment was trashed. Little care was taken to preserve the integrity of the apartment, since its now ex-occupant was deceased, and also because the Manehattan police were generally pieces of shit, like all police departments in big cities. One of the officers noticed the peeping Finger.
“Can I help you sir?” said the officer.
“Neighbor from the same floor.” Said Finger, “what seems to be going on in here?”
“Your neighbor’s dead, and some task force crackpots in Ponyville thought she was a suspect in some case of theirs. We’re searching her apartment, but we ain’t found shit but a bunch of clothes, fabrics, and used condoms. Definitely weird, but nothing illegal. Her family’s not happy about the investigation, but fuck ‘em. They were yelling at me last night about the search, and about the fact that her body’s being kept in Ponyville for the autopsy this weekend. They wanted her home in Manehattan for the funeral. I hope it’s not an open casket funeral. Task forcies told me she had her head blew up. That’s gonna be a hard conversation to have with little Scooter and Squirt Polomare. ‘Mommy, where’s auntie Suri’s head? Is it in the same place Mr. Snuffles went to?’ Wouldn’t wanna be in that room.”
“An autopsy in Ponyville, huh?” said Finger, who was very good at thinking on his hooves, “You know I know a mortician in Ponyville. Is she at the Ponyville discount examiner by any chance?”
“Nah, the body’s being kept at a place called Post-Mortemia’s Luxury Corpse Solutions. She’ll be there for another two days until her autopsy.”
“Wow. Crazy world.” Said Finger, “well I better get going. I’ve got work. Nice talking to you officer.” When Finger was back in the elevator, he made a phone call. Yes, ponies have phones. They just don’t use them very often. Just like guns.
“It’s Finger. We’ve got a problem.”
THAT AFTERNOON
“WHAT ‽” said Twilight, aghast.
“Look,” said Trixie, sheepishly, “I know how it sounds. There’s a reason it was our plan B. But plan A just went belly-up and believe me, this is the best remaining option.”
“If it’s such a good option, why don’t YOU do it?” said Twilight.
“Why don’t I do it? Uh, because you pay me a consulting fee, not a breaking-and-entering fee. And I consult you to take my advice, because I don’t think there’s another way you’re getting out of this.”
“Can you believe this shit, Rainbow Dash. She honestly-… Rainbow Dash? Hello?” Rainbow Dash was unresponsive. Twilight shook her shoulders and she jolted in alarm.
“WOAH!” she said suddenly, “Sorry, I kind of zoned out. I was thinking about Rarity… I hope she’s alright…”
“You didn’t hear what she said?”
“No, what did she say?”
“She wants me to stick a bag of meth up Suri’s vagina.”
“You gotta plant it somewhere,” said Trixie, “and her body’s the only place they haven’t searched yet. Can’t be the mouth because, you know.” Trixie made a ‘mind blown’ gesture. “And in case you’re wondering it can’t be hole number 2 either. All that gets emptied out when somepony gives up the ghost. It’s disgusting.”
“Well, why can’t Rainbow Dash do it?” said Twilight, who was really reaching at this point.
“Rainbow Dash can’t teleport. She couldn’t break into a tissue paper factory. And besides, I need her help to distract the guards watching the security cameras.”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“Well, if you were more of a looker, I’d ask you to seduce them. If you weren’t a pansy, I’d ask you to get into a fight with them. But given your skill set, I settled on a more idiot-proof task. When the new security guards are arriving to the building for the night shift, just run up to them and tell them that The Great and Powerful Trixie is putting on a free show a few blocks down. They won’t be able to resist the FOMOOTGAPT, the Fear of Missing Out on the Great and Powerful Trixie.”
“Faux Moot Gaped? What the hell is that?” said security guard number one.
“It’s the fear of missing out over, uh, Trixie the, um, godly… awesome… It basically like, it means you’ll be really scared, or something, if you don’t go and see Trixie’s magic show!” said Rainbow Dash.
“Uh, sorry,” said security guard number two, “we have a shift tonight. Can’t. We’re not really into magic anyway.” They began moseying on through the door.
“WAIT HOLD ON A SECOND.” Rainbow Dash blurted out. They stopped.
“What?”
Rainbow Dash began to sweat. Think, think think. What were the other plans again?
“I was just uh, I was just wondering,” Rainbow Dash tried to speak in a more confident, sultry voice, “what two beautiful and handsome boys were doing around here tonight, in um, in a place like this.” Rainbow Dash tried to flutter her eyes, but it just looked like she was blinking really fast.
“Are you talking about us?”
“Um, yes.”
“We’re going to work. We work here.”
“Oh wow that’s so cool. But work is so boooring! You two look so fun, I have a better idea…” Rainbow Dash got uncomfortably close to security guard number two, nuzzled against him, and tried to nibble his ear. But he freaked the fuck out when he felt her teeth and jerked away, and part of his ear ripped off.
“AAAAUAAUAIAOAAOIAAAAIAGGGGGHHHHRRRRR” he screamed.
“HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK.” Said security guard number one. His name was Slam for the record, although Rainbow Dash didn’t know that. The one that was now missing a part of his ear was named Crack of Dawn.
“OH NO NO NO NO I’M SO SORRY!” said Rainbow Dash, the chunk of flesh falling out of her mouth as she opened it to apologize, “I didn’t mean to do that! I wasn’t on that plan! I was trying to seduce him!”
“Crack of Dawn are you alright?”
“I think I need to go to the hospital man! I’m bleeding like crazy! I’m freaking out you guys!”
“Oh shit I am so so sorry!” said Rainbow Dash, “I’ll take you to a hospital! Come with me!” The adrenaline gave Rainbow Dash the strength to carry Crack of Dawn all the way to the hospital, which luckily wasn’t that far. Slam followed behind, being a pegasus like Dash, and equaling her speed since he was unencumbered.
The wound turned out to not be that serious. They had arrived early, and it had no chance of being infected. After a little gauze, and a little time to let the shock wear off, Crack of Dawn felt fine. Although he was now permanently missing part of his ear, it wouldn’t affect his hearing. Rainbow Dash apologized profusely, exchanged insurance information, and even paid for Crack of Dawn’s hospital stay. After they had reassured her repeatedly that it was fine, she eventually left to visit Rarity, since she was in the same hospital. She was feeling much better, and with the doctor’s permission and on Rarity’s insistence, Rainbow Dash wheeled her home to the Carousel Boutique, where she spent the night. Rainbow Dash was exhausted. It had been a very long and stressful day. She went to sleep at nearly 4 am, crashing in Rarity’s guest room.
When Sweetie Belle shook her awake the next morning, the sun was shining brightly in the sky. It was lunch time. Rainbow Dash’s eyes were crusty, and the sun was so bright, and she had dried drool all over her mouth. She was not happy to wake up.
“Twilight wants to talk to you.” Said Sweetie Belle, “she’s outside.” Rainbow Dash got up slowly and groggily, and opened the door.
“Where the hell have you been?” said Twilight.
“Uhhhh…” said Rainbow Dash, still in a stupor, remembering all the things that had gone down the night prior.
“I’ve been looking all over for you. I was hoof-deep in necrogash saving our asses, and then when I go talk to Trixie after her show, she says you were a no-show! Where the hell were the guards? Did you distract them? Are we caught? Did they see me… plant the evidence? Trixie couldn’t find you, I couldn’t find you, and then I finally find you at Rarity’s house of all places, and Sweetie Belle says you’re asleep at 11:30 am! So what happened with the guards?”
“I bit one of their ears off.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Woah,” Said Twilight, “and that worked?”
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Rainbow Dash defended herself, “I was trying to- Well actually nevermind. But they definitely didn’t see you. We spent the night at the hospital.”
“We? You came with them?”
“I paid for his stay. I felt bad for him.”
“Well,” said Twilight, looking optimistic all of a sudden, “if that’s the case, then you can look forward to paying for a lot more hospital stays!” She quickly realized exactly what she had said and tried to pivot, “I mean, you can look forward to continuing to have the disposable income necessary to pay for other ponies’ hospital stays, is what I mean. Because my part of the job went perfectly! That meth is in there. Our patsy goes in for her autopsy tonight, and when they find the bag, we’ll be home free.” Rainbow Dash breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. She was very tired of living in fear.
“Come Sunday we’ll be free to start cooking again!” said Twilight. Rainbow Dash’s smile faded.
“…What?” she said.
“I said we’ll be free to start cooking again.”
Rainbow Dash stammered for a few moments and then said, “N-no.”
“What?” said Twilight.
“I said no. I’m not cooking with you again. I’m done. I’m out. No more.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“I’m dead serious. I’m out. I can’t keep doing this. We shouldn’t keep doing this.” Rainbow Dash started to raise her voice, “Rarity almost died. And it was because of our poison. I had to look at her, miserable and weak, laying in a hospital bed, and not tell her that I was the reason she was in there. I thought she was going to die, because of me. Now somepony else is hurt because of me too.” Rainbow Dash’s volume got lower, “Sunset Shimmer, Krazy-7 and Krazy-8, this business is dangerous. We’re in danger Twilight. And I can’t shake the feeling, that we’re putting our friends in danger too. So I’m done. I’m not cooking with you anymore.”
“Rainbow Dash…” Rainbow Dash closed the door on Twilight before she could continue. Then she walked to the kitchen, where Rarity was making a very slow and painful attempt to remove some pots and pans.
“Morning.”
“Good morning Rainbow Dash.”
“Do you want me to make some lunch?”
“That would be very much appreciated, thank you.” Said Rarity sheepishly, “Who were you talking to at the door?”
“Nopony.” Said Rainbow Dash.
Chapter 4: I Watched Your Daughter Die
The automatic door at Green Pastures Nursing Home always gave Derpy Hooves trouble. It would seem to forget to open for her, and if she was particularly excited and moving fast, she’d often slam into it. When she was slow and careful, it would open up, but she would hesitate too long, and it would close onto her while she was tip-trotting through, scaring the daylights out of her. Today, Derpy Hooves was carrying a basket of muffins, and she didn’t want to leave anything up to chance regarding the door, so she awkwardly stood outside and waved to the mare at the front desk until she came and stood in the way of the door for her so it wouldn’t close on her.
“Thanks Wishy Washy! Those doors have something wrong with them.” Said Derpy Hooves.
“You’re welcome, but I’m not Wishy Washy. I’m Lullaby. Wishy Washy is only here on weekdays.”
“Aw jeez,” Said Derpy Hooves, “sorry.” Derpy Hooves couldn’t see particularly well. She mostly relied on context to tell whom she was talking to.
“You’re here to visit Silver again?” said Lullaby. Derpy Nodded excitedly. Derpy signed in, and, after almost forgetting her muffins, trotted into the rec room. She was greeted by a lot of smiles.
“It’s Derpy Hooves!” said Happy Trails. Derpy was very popular in the home. Derpy went around the room, making idle chat with the elderly ponies, and distributing muffins until the basket was empty sans for one muffin and an open envelope. When she was done, she went down the hallway to Silver’s room. She entered without knocking.
“Hello Silver.” She said. Silver of course said nothing. She was almost completely paralyzed. She couldn’t speak or walk, but she had very limited control over her right front leg. She was confined to a wheelchair, and communicated via a little bell that she tapped with her leg.
Derpy gently took the handle of Silver’s wheelchair in her mouth and spun it around to face the door. Then she removed the last muffin from the basket and placed it on Silver’s table. Then she carefully took out the open envelope with her mouth. Derpy wasn’t very dexterous, so she hadn’t sealed the envelope. Opening letters was very difficult. It was much easier to just shake the envelope over the table until the photo inside fell out. Then she dragged the photo across the table with her hooves until it was halfway off the table, making sure that it was upside down so that it would be right side up when she picked it up (it was a mistake she had made before). After this embarrassingly long display, Derpy picked up the photo with her mouth and walked over to show it to Silver.
It was a photo of Sunset Shimmer’s dead body.
Derpy Hooves stood in front of Silver for a while, holding the photo directly in front of her face, before dropping it out of her mouth onto the little tray on Silver’s wheelchair.
“I watched your daughter die.” She said. “She died just yesterday. I was there. I watched her die.” Silver closed her eyes and looked away, contorting her face as tears formed in her eyes.
“I watched her overdose, and choke on her own vomit.” Derpy continued, “She looked so scared.”
Derpy continued looking at Silver, but was silent, to let the news sink in.
“She was your only daughter left. And now she’s dead.”
More silence.
“Right now, I’m sure there are many things you’d like to say to me. I’m sure you would like nothing more than to lunge forward right now and strangle me to death. But you can’t.” Derpy Hooves always spoke slowly, but now she spoke even slower, like she was trying to savor the moment, like she was trying to make sure that no venom was wasted.
“Because I put you in that fucking wheelchair.” She said.
Silver Shimmer closed her eyes as tightly as possible, craning her head away to face the wall. She couldn’t look at Derpy Hooves. Tears were streaming down her face, but she couldn’t make any noise.
“Bye bye Silver.” Said Derpy, leaving her with the photo, as well as the muffin on the table, just out of reach.
It was cold as fuck outside. A freezing, biting heat, that seemed to sink its teeth into Twilight’s flank. It was extremely uncomfortable. What’s worse was that she wasn’t wearing a jacket. Trixie had said that her pony didn’t allow clothes. Too easy to hide something with them.
“Did we really have to do this outside?” said Twilight, “It’s the middle of winter.”
“Yes, yes we did.” Said Finger, “You know why? Because that’s the boss’s rules. And when you meet with the boss, you follow her rules.”
“How come you get to wear a jacket and I don’t?” said Twilight.
“Because,” said Finger, “The boss knows me. She doesn’t know you. You don’t hold the cards here. She has agreed to meet with you. She’s agreed to buy from you. But she doesn’t buy from anypony unless they agree to do things her way. She’s the boss, so she calls the shots. You’re the cook, so you cook the meth. You understand?” Twilight nodded.
After waiting in the freezing cold for what felt like forever, the boss finally came. She was a gray pegasus mare with blonde hair and crossed eyes, and she was carrying a large sack. Much to Twilight’s chagrin, she was bundled up in warm winter clothes. Twilight was 99% sure that she was the mailmare, Derpy Hooves, but was smart enough not to say it out loud.
“Show me the product.” She said. Twilight opened up her suitcase and showed the meth. 12 kilograms. Finger had already inspected it and weighed it, so Derpy’s request was really a formality. Derpy removed a box from her sack and gave it to Twilight, who immediately opened it up and counted the money. It was all there. All 300,000 bits. It was a fortune.
“I’ve heard that your product is excellent,” said Derpy Hooves, “and I’m willing to give you a chance. Another 12 kilos, next week.” Twilight looked at the ground awkwardly.
“Well, uh,” Twilight brushed her hoof against the ground sheepishly, “my partner left, so, uh, making a batch of this size is going to take at least two months.”
“Six kilos a month?” said Derpy Hooves.
“Yeah, at the most.”
“Forget it.” Said Derpy Hooves.
“WHAT?” said Twilight.
“I said forget it. No deal.” Twilight tried to protest but Finger walked in front of her and shook his head as Derpy Hooves walked away.
“I told you,” said Trixie, “she’s a tightass. She’s extremely careful, extremely detail-oriented, and if you can’t do things her way she won’t play ball with you. Believe me, you’re lucky you even got to meet the pony. I don’t even know what she looks like. She’s secretive as all get-out.”
“I have no product, no partner, and the biggest distributor in Equestria turned me down. It’s over. I have nowhere to go from here.” Said Twilight, forlornly draped across the couch in Trixie’s office like a Roman eating dinner.
“Nowhere to go? You made 300,000 bits! Most ponies only dream of that kind of green!”
“It’s only 255,000 after your cut.”
“It would have been 127,500 if Dash were still here. And what the hell are you complaining about anyway? 250,000 bits is more than a decade’s rent. You got lucky, you sold your product to a big wig, you hit the jackpot. I don’t usually recommend this, but if you want my advice? Take a page out of your partner’s book. Go home. Quit while you’re ahead. You wanted to pay for your treatment? You got what you wanted.”
Twilight Sparkle had gotten what she’d wanted. But she didn’t feel satisfied. In fact, she felt more incomplete than ever.
Knock knock.
“Hello?”
“It’s me.”
“Oh,” said Rainbow Dash, “it’s you…” Rainbow Dash let Twilight into her apartment, but glared at the paper bag she held in her hand.
“It’s good to see you again.” Said Rainbow Dash, warily. “You weren’t at Applejack’s party yesterday.”
“We have too many damn parties.” Said Twilight.
“Well, can I get you something to eat or drink?”
“Tea, please.”
“I don’t have tea.”
“Then coffee.”
An intense silence hung in the air as Rainbow Dash prepared two cups of coffee. The atmosphere was tense. The machine hesitated agonizingly long, slowly dripping the coffee into each cup. When it was mercifully over, Rainbow Dash put the cups on the coffee table (Twilight immediately lifted them back up and put a coaster under each one) and sat down on the chair next to Twilight, who had already taken a seat on Rainbow Dash’s couch. As Rainbow Dash took a sip, Twilight put her paper bag on the table.
“What is this?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Open it.” Rainbow Dash opened it slowly, peered inside, and then closed it back up again. She didn’t say anything.
“It’s your share.”
“…”
“127,500 bits.”
Rainbow Dash pushed the bag towards Twilight.
“I don’t want it.”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t want it.”
“You’re turning down over 100,000 bits?”
“I am not turning down the money,” Rainbow Dash’s tone and posture became more aggressive, “I am turning down you . I want nothing to do with you anymore. Don’t fucking pretend you’re giving me this out of the goodness of your heart. You want me to come back. You want me too cook meth for you. You don’t give a shit about me anymore. You just want me for your… fucked up druglord power fantasy. You blackmailed me into this shit. You dragged me along, and I watched as somepony got his brain exploded by his own dick. I bit somepony’s ear off for you. You come over here- come over to my apartment, just to try and- to try and bribe me! You can take your money and shove it up your ugly ass Twilight. Fuck you.”
Neither of them drank any of their coffee. Twilight stood up before her speech was even over, and when it concluded she walked out the door, but not before she turned to say:
“I do care about you Rainbow Dash. You’re my friend.”
Rainbow Dash threw the bag of money at her in anger, but it missed and landed in the hallway instead, spilling money out onto the floor. Twilight walked over it and out of the cloudominium. Rainbow Dash almost punched the wall, but thought better of it. Once Twilight was gone she stared out the peephole of her apartment window at the cash, and after much hesitation, opened the door, looked around, and picked it up.
Twilight Sparkle spent the rest of the week cooped up in her library, anxiously waiting for a knock on the door. Rainbow Dash would come around. She had to. Twilight skimmed absentmindedly through her books, constantly stopping to get up and pace around. The Treehouse felt darker than usual. Maybe it needed new lights. That sounded like a project to take her mind off things. But maybe later. Pacing around anxiously didn’t feel very good, but she didn’t want to do anything else.
There was in fact eventually a knock on the door, and Twilight teleported in front of it instantly and opened it with alacrity.
“Package for Twilight Sparkle.” Twilight’s mouth hung open so wide a passenger plane could have docked inside it. It was Derpy Hooves.
“Sign here, please.” Twilight wordlessly signed the form, not caring even in the slightest what was in the package.
“I have an offer that I think you may be interested in.” said Derpy, not dropping her customer service voice. “3 million bits; for three months of your time.”
Derpy Hooves and Twilight walked through Ponyville for a very long time. Derpy Hooves did not lower her voice or change her tone as she spoke with Twilight.
“Your product has exceeded our expectations. You should be very proud.”
“Thank you, ma’am.” Said Twilight.
“Please.” Said Derpy, “Call me Derpy. I know it’s an awkward name, but it’s mine, and it’s made me who I am.”
“Of course.”
“I was so impressed by the… quality of your work, that I knew I had made a mistake dismissing you last week. I am sorry about that. It’s just that you cannot be too careful in this business, and I wasn’t sure if you were worth taking a risk on. But now I am sure. I want to work with you.”
“So you’re saying you won’t need 12 kilograms a week?” said Twilight. Derpy smiled.
“I’m saying that if we work together, you can make a great deal more than 12 kilograms a week. You say you don’t have a partner. You don’t have the resources to work. I can give all of that to you and more. I just need you to cook.”
The two of them arrived at a nondescript building, perhaps some kind of factory. Smokestacks lined the top, emitting steam which quickly disappeared from sight into the foggy winter air. Through the windows, Twilight could see piles of laundry, workers moving around pallets, and some big machines in the back. The sign at the front said it was the Ponyville Premium Laundromat. If Derpy Hooves hadn’t stopped in front of it, Twilight would never have given it the slightest attention, even if she had walked by it every day of her life.
“Come with me.” Said Derpy Hooves. Twilight followed her in. Twilight thought the place might be some secret crack house or gang headquarters, but it really was just a laundromat. Workers, mostly earth ponies, paid the two no mind as Derpy lead her to the row of immense washing machines in the back. Each one was pony sized. Presumably, they were for large orders. Derpy walked to the first machine at the far-left end of the wall, and counted up in an almost inaudible whisper as she moved right, from machine to machine. Then, she went back to the end and did it again, stopping at the same one as last time, the sixth from the left. Once she was certain she hadn’t messed up the count, she lifted her forelegs and put her full weight down on a lever next to the machine. The washing machine raised up off the ground like the door of a DeLorean. Twilight looked around, but the employees didn’t seem to care. They were trained not to.
The opening led to an elevator. The washing machine closed in front of them as they descended. When they reached the bottom, the door opened onto a very short concrete hallway with a red door. Derpy Hooves fumbled with the keys for a moment, and when she was finished unlocking the door (which was an ordeal in and of itself), she gave the keys to Twilight.
“I have another pair. These are for you.” Twilight Sparkle couldn’t believe what she saw when she passed through the door.
They were standing on a red scaffolding walkway, which descended into a staircase. Below her, Twilight saw a stunning, state-of-the-art laboratory.
“Oh my Celestia…” Twilight said breathlessly. She rushed down to the lab to examine the equipment, zooming around like a little yearling on Hearth’s Warming morning. There were barrels of chemicals everywhere. Liquid rainbow, aluminum, hydrogen fluoride, phenylacetone. It was all there. And the equipment. Oh stars. It was immaculate. Clean and pristine polished metal, mixing machines bigger than her. There was even a forklift for transporting the heavier materials. The lab was gorgeous, well-lit, and large, but with ample open space.
“I’ve owned this laundromat for years. It gets weekly chemical shipments. Nothing suspicious about it. This lab has its own generator, its own emergency phone line, and its filtration system is a magico-technological marvel. The chemical gases produced from the cook filter through the system and are released as odorless steam, just like a laundromat produces, and from the very same smokestacks.”
“This is incredible!” said Twilight. “This equipment is top of the line! How did you even put this together?”
“I had excellent help. And so will you. I’m the best in this business because I’m a professional. I don’t cut corners.”
Twilight oohed and ahed at the spotless lab.
“I need 150 kilograms a week to make a profit off this. With your talent, and my equipment, I trust that you can make it happen. Obviously you can come and go as you please, choose your own hours, as long as the quota is met.”
“Yes, yes, yes. Absolutely!” said Twilight, who was resisting the urge to run in place and wag her tail, “But, what about my partner? My partner quit, and I don’t think she’s coming back.”
“I’ll take care of it.” Said Derpy Hooves. “Come back here tomorrow after breakfast and you’ll meet your new partner.” Twilight nodded.
“Yes, definitely. Absolutely! I won’t let you down ma’a- uh, Derpy!”
Derpy left Twilight to continue fawning over the lab. Presumably, somepony like that had a million things to do today.
Even after the fifth knock-knock (which made it the tenth knock overall), Fluttershy and Applejack still received no audible reply. If she had been alone, Fluttershy would have certainly just gone home, but Applejack simply opened the door. She knew it wasn’t locked, and she had a permanent invite, as one of Rainbow Dash’s friends. Fluttershy had one too, but permanent invites didn’t work on her. She couldn’t stand to just show up to some place. Even if she’d been invited to have dinner.
Just as Applejack had figured, Rainbow Dash was home. She was sound asleep on the couch. Fast food bags and marijuana paraphernalia cluttered the table. A bong lay on the ground in front of the couch, spilling a puddle of stagnant water that seeped into the linoleum. She stank to high heaven.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash…” said Fluttershy. Applejack raised her hoof to not-so-gently shake the little stoner awake, but Fluttershy stopped her.
“Come on, Applejack. Don’t do it.”
“Don’t do what exactly?”
“You’re going to yell at her again. I know you are.”
“So what if I am?” said Applejack, “It’s 5:00 pm on a weekday and she’s unconscious on the couch. She’s been smokin’ again. And she knows damn well how I feel about that. We were supposed to be havin’ dinner today, just the three of us. And she plum forgot all about it all ‘cause she was too busy… tokin’ up on a joint! She knows better than this, and I intend to inform her o’ that!”
“Well, um,” said Fluttershy, desperately searching for an excuse not to be part of a confrontation, “instead of doing that, why don’t we um… clean the place up a bit?”
“What?”
“I mean, this place is so dirty, and um, I’m sure it would be a lot less stressful for Dash to wake up to a clean room and um, we would be helping her out by throwing away all this weed, and all this junk food. It’s better to do it ourselves than expect her to do it, right? If we toss out her weed, she can’t smoke anymore. Isn’t that a much more efficient, and um, quiet way of solving the problem than, you know… yelling at her to stop?”
“Well, I reckon that sounds like a good idea…” Applejack would have strongly preferred to throw Rainbow Dash onto her own bongwater-soaked floor and given her the what-for, but she couldn’t say no to Fluttershy when she was doing that…. Fluttershy thing. In any case, waking up with all your dope confiscated was still a pretty nasty surprise.
Rainbow Dash woke up with a very dry mouth and chapped lips. As she blinked her tired eyes open and the world came into focus, the vague silhouette in front of her transformed into Fluttershy’s face, inches from her own. Rainbow Dash screamed in alarm and jumped back, causing Fluttershy to jump back a little as well.
“Morning…” Rainbow Dash blurted out, her brain soon after reminding herself that it was in fact the afternoon.
“Hi Rainbow Dash. It’s us.” Said Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash could now see that Applejack was standing in the corner, glaring unhappily at her, but saying nothing.
“Sorry, did I like, fall asleep?” said Rainbow Dash, rubbing her head, “was that dinner thing today? Sorry about that…”
“Rainbow Dash, this isn’t easy to say,” said Fluttershy, “but, you’ve been smoking again! And we’re very disappointed in you!”
“Oh, shit guys. I’m sorry.” Rainbow Dash desperately wanted a glass of water. She looked at the coffee table. It was empty. Fluttershy continued talking about self-care and responsibility and health, but Rainbow Dash didn’t pay attention. Gears were turning slowly but surely inside of her head. Then it hit her.
“Wait…” she said, interrupting Fluttershy, “Where’s… Where’s like… all my shit on my table… all the shit on my table… Where did it go?”
“We threw it out.” Said Fluttershy, a little proudly.
“WHAT?” said Rainbow Dash, desperately looking around the room. She was right. The whole place had been cleaned. Rainbow Dash jumped off of the couch and started running around the room.
“Where is it where is it WHERE IS IT?” she said. Seeing this, Applejack’s disappointed look became one of gleeful schadenfreude.
“We tossed out all your weed, Rainbow Dash. Your bong too.” Said Fluttershy, “we cleaned up all your junk as well.”
“Not the weed,” said Rainbow Dash, digging through the trash, “my bag! My paper bag!”
Applejack cocked an eyebrow.
“We… threw away all your fast-food bags if that’s what you’re talking about. They were like… a week old.” Said Fluttershy, who looked more confused than anything.
“Yeah, but um, where did you throw them away?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash…” Fluttershy looked like a middle school teacher the day after the class abused the substitute.
“No, I mean like. One of my fast-food bags… it was like, uhhhh, I hadn’t eaten it yet. And it was like, this new, grilled cheese sandwich that was supposed to be really good, and like, it was a promotion that was just ending, so like. It was in an unmarked white bag. So if you could like, uh-“
“You’re diggin’ through the trash for a grilled cheese sandwich?” said Applejack, whose anger had exceeded her willpower to follow through with her promise to let Fluttershy do the talking. “Yeah, I fuckin’ bet. I bet it was the fattest grilled cheese sandwich anypony ever smoked. Get a grip you wastoid. Do you even see yourself? You need help, Rainbow Dash. And furthermore…” Rainbow Dash didn’t listen to the rest of Applejack’s rant. She just looked her in the eye and nodded. The fucking money. 127,500 bits was in some dumpster somewhere, buried under cupcake wrappers and used diapers. And she still hadn’t gotten a glass of water.
Derpy had told her to come back after breakfast, but Twilight didn’t eat breakfast. She never had. Ever since she was a filly she had skipped it. She didn’t know if it was unhealthy or not, but she never felt hungry in the morning. Nevertheless, she didn’t want to arrive too early or too late, so she had woken up early, prepared a sack lunch (cucumber sandwiches), and waited outside a café for several hours until she saw a sizeable number of ponies finishing their breakfasts, at which point, she reasoned, that must be a normal time for somepony to finish breakfast, and therefore a normal time to head to the laundromat.
Derpy wasn’t at the laundromat, but nopony gave her the time of day as she went through the not-so-secret passage. The lever didn’t give her nearly as much trouble as it had given Derpy, since Twilight had the benefit of telekinesis. When she entered the lab, she was greeted by a cheerful canadian sounding voice.
“Hi there!”
“Good morning.” Said Twilight, walking down the stairs to get a better look at the pony. She was an earth pony, mint green, with pink hair. Her cutie mark was three peppermints, and she was wearing socks.
“You’re Mrs. Hawk Lips, I presume?”
“Just call me Glitter,” said Twilight, before changing her mind. “Actually, call me Twilight.”
“You betcha. I’m Minty. Nice to meet you.” Minty waited for Twilight to set down her sack lunch on a workbench before going in for a hug.
“Hi Minty. You’re my new lab assistant?”
“Yep! I’m sure you’ll want to hear my qualifications.” Twilight hadn’t even thought about qualifications. Rainbow Dash’s qualifications were that she did what Twilight told her.
“I studied at the University of Canterlot, and got a PD (pony doctorate) in applied organic chemistry. I’ve been cooking meth for Mrs. Hooves for years. Here’s my resumé.”
Twilight was legitimately impressed by Minty’s resumé. It was above and beyond what she would expect of a meth cook. In fact, Minty didn’t seem like a meth cook at all.
“Whatcha got there for lunch? Anything good?” said Minty.
“Cucumber sandwiches.” Said Twilight.
“OH MY CELESTIA!” said Minty, with far too much enthusiasm for an adult mare to display, “I love cucumber! I like it on pizza! Have you ever tried it on pizza?”
“No, I can’t say that I have.” Said Twilight. “I must ask. How did you end up in this business? You don’t seem like the meth cook type.”
“I get that a lot.” Said Minty. “But the truth is I’m in it for the love of chemistry. I don’t believe in keeping people from what they want, you know? And a lot of people want meth. If they want it bad enough they’re gonna get it, and if they’re gonna get it, then it’s better they get it from professionals than from some creepy street gang. And Mrs. Hooves is a great boss. Oh, she said not to call her Mrs. Hooves, but I can’t shake the habit, even after all this time. Look at this!” Minty dashed to the other desk where she had placed her own lunch. It wasn’t in a sack, it was in a stainless steel Daring-Do lunchbox for fillies, but she dumped out its contents to reveal that she had brought cucumber sandwiches too.
“Oh, darn,” said Minty, “I forgot to bring a drink again.” It was not mysterious at all to Twilight why Minty and Derpy Hooves got along so well.
Minty proved to be more than capable in the lab. Minty took detailed notes as Twilight explained to her every step of her meth-cooking process.
“This is the most careful step of the whole process,” Twilight explained in her explaining voice, “When you mix the MNF into the solution, you have to do it very slowly, or else it might overheat. But if you do it too slowly, those little flakes will form. For this reason, I like to titrate it at a fixed rate. For a vessel this big, I think 150 milliliters a second will be ideal.” Minty nodded and wrote that down.
“What do you mean, MNF?” said Minty. Twilight gave her a condescending glance, while still making sure the titration was consistent.
“MNF?” said Twilight, sighing. “N-Methylformamide? You know what that is, don’t you?”
“That’s NMF.” Said Minty. Twilight paused. N, Methyl, formamide. Shit. She was right.
“Well, you know,” said Twilight, “that’s what I said. What did you hear?”
“You said MNF, I mean. I think.” Twilight turned to face Minty.
“Well, I didn’t say that. Why would I say that anyway? Everypony knows it’s NMF. I’m not an idiot Minty. Think before you speak.” She turned back to the mixing vessel.
“Oh, sorry…” said Minty.
Twilight and Minty’s first batch was 30 kilograms, and by the time they were done, it was past when Twilight normally ate dinner. The next day, Twilight spent less time explaining, and Minty simply followed her notes, and their batch was 50 kilograms, as was their batch the next day. 50 was the biggest round number they could make in one batch, so they figured it would be most effective to make 50 kilograms a day for three days a week to meet the quota. Of course, thanks to the slower going on the first day, they went back to the lab for a fourth day in a row to make it up with another 21 kilograms. The quota had been met, the product was high-quality and high-purity, and they were ahead of schedule. Derpy Hooves was quite elated when she and Finger Flyer came to collect the week’s batch that Saturday.
“151.32 kilograms.” Said Finger Flyer, measuring the final box of pink meth.
“No problems, I presume?” said Derpy Hooves, “If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to ask me. My door is always open.”
“Actually,” said Twilight, “I’d like to speak with you in private.”
“Of course,” said Derpy, “Minty, you can go home.” Once Finger and Minty had left, Twilight continued.
“It’s Minty. I can’t work with her.”
“I’m surprised to hear that,” said Derpy Hooves, “Minty has been a reliable chemist for as long as she’s in my employ, and you seem to have done some great work with her.”
“Yeah, I know that. She’s a great chemist. Almost as great as me, maybe. It’s just… I had a… kind of… rapport, with my old partner, that I just don’t feel with Minty.”
“You’re saying you felt more comfortable working with Rainbow Dash?” said Derpy.
“I’m say-… hey wait. When did I tell you my old partner was Rainbow Dash?”
“The same time you told me where you lived, or that you had cancer.”
Twilight shuffled uncomfortably.
“I don’t hire anypony unless I’ve had them vetted thoroughly. I’m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable to hear it, but I didn’t make an exception for you, Twilight. As for Minty,” Derpy continued, “if it’s what you want, I can have her replaced.”
“How?” said Twilight, “and with whom?”
“I have a good eye for picking out talent,” said Derpy, “I’ll find somepony who will perhaps mesh better with your… personality.”
Why do dumpsters smell the way they do? Obviously it was no surprise that dumpsters smelled bad, reasoned Rainbow Dash, since a good half of all trash was stuff that had rotted or become old or undergone other processes that typically resulted in a foul odor, but why did dumpsters smell like dumpsters, and not just like used diapers, or rotten eggs, or stale cupcakes? Dumpsters had a distinct dumpster smell. Rainbow Dash made a mental note to ask Twilight about it, then quickly deleted that mental note after remembering recent events. Digging through dumpsters sucked. This was her third dumpster of the day, and she was on the brink of losing the very small amount of hope she had. She had propped open the lid with a wooden board to make the smell less noisome while she rooted around in search of her money. In the last dumpster, Rainbow Dash had cut her hoof on some broken glass, which she had erroneously perceived to be the shattered remains of her bong. She had wrapped up her hoof in gauze, but as she shoveled through rotting fruit and wet cardboard she could feel the poisonous, maggot-infested dumpster juice seeping into her wounds. This could not get any worse.
“Hello.” said somepony. Rainbow Dash leapt out of the dumpster in fright, hitting her head against her own wooden board, knocking it over and causing her to tumble into the dumpster right as the lid closed on her. The pony opened up the lid and peered down at her, wet, shifty-eyed, and covered in garbage.
“May I speak with you for a moment?” It was Derpy Hooves. Rainbow Dash supposed there were much worse people to have seen her like this.
“Uh, well…” said Rainbow Dash. She didn’t think she could get away with saying she was busy with important work, even if Derpy Hooves never struck her as the shiniest horseshoe in the shed.
“Let me help you out of there.” Said Derpy Hooves, pulling her up and out onto the ground. She seemed to have a more relaxed, matter-of-fact air to her than she usually did. Maybe she was being polite given the awkward circumstances. Celestia knows that she had gotten caught in quite a few awkward circumstances of her own.
“I’m sorry if I’m catching you at a bad time, but I have something I wish to discuss with you.”
“Nah it’s fine, go ahead.” Said Rainbow Dash, shaking a banana peel out of her mane.
“I want you to come work for me.” Rainbow Dash was dumbfounded.
“You want me to deliver mail?”
“I want you to cook meth.” Rainbow Dash audibly gasped, and a small piece of rotten apple core fell out of her mane and into her gaping mouth, causing her to gag loudly and spit it out. Derpy Hooves didn’t wait for her to finish coughing before continuing.
“I want you and Twilight to work together again. And I’m willing to pay you 3 million bits, the same wage as Twilight, if you come and work as her partner in my lab for 3 months.”
Rainbow Dash would have gasped again, but she had become wary of the action.
“Is this satisfactory to you?”
Rainbow Dash stared (with her mouth closed) for a long time, while her brain processed exactly what was happening.
“Derpy,” she finally said, “are you saying you’re a drug lord?”
“Think of me as more of a drug ceo,” said Derpy, the absurdity of the statement highlighted by her slight rhotacism, “I take my work very seriously. I deal in bulk. I ship out-of-town. I only employ the best ponies, I only sell the highest-quality product, and I always make safety my number-one priority.” Rainbow Dash looked to the side at nothing in particular, clearly deep in thought.
“I’m… not so sure…” Rainbow Dash thought of the last drug kingpin she worked for. As if reading her mind, Derpy said:
“I understand why you might be hesitant to work for another high-level distributor. Believe me, this won’t be anything like Sunset Shimmer. I was there, remember? I saw her decapitate that poor socialite. I didn’t like what I saw anymore than you did. Sunset was a deranged drug-addicted murderous freak. That’s not how I do things. If you work with Twilight in my lab, all you’ll have to do is show up, cook with your friend, and leave. No turf wars, no addicts lashing out, no police. Just safe, clean, and efficient.”
Derpy’s words had filled Rainbow Dash’s heads with thoughts of money. 3 million bits meant a new house, new clothes, fine food every night. Then her thoughts veered to more debauched subject matter. How much weed, coke, and ecstasy could she buy with that kind of dough? How many visits to the strip club? It was a golden ticket to an easy life, of being number one. But she couldn’t go back to cooking meth, right? She had promised to herself she wouldn’t go work with Twilight again. She had been so angry.
“Of course, if you’d rather keep rooting around in the dumpster to make a living, I can’t force you. I don’t consider intimidation to be an effective tactic for acquiring talent. But I strongly advise you to take my offer. You will never receive another like it. And I know for certain that it would make your friend Twilight very happy. She’s very lonely without you. She feels terrible about your falling out.” With that, Derpy Hooves left her alone with nothing but her memories and the smell of fetid garbage.
Their falling out. What had it even been over again? Rainbow Dash had experienced a moment of clarity back then. All those dead bodies she had to bury, that poor bodyguard she saw murdered right in front of her, those nights she spent with Rarity in the hospital, wondering whether she was going to come out of it alive, the taste of blood in her mouth when she bit off that stallion’s ear. It was all Twilight’s fault... Right? None of that would have happened if she hadn’t blackmailed her into cooking meth. But none of that was really Twilight’s fault. Twilight didn’t have any choice but to kill Krazy-7 and Krazy-8, they tried to kill her first. They had knocked her out with a boiling flask. Rainbow Dash had invited them, and Twilight had saved her from them. It was her fault that it happened in the first place. It was a horrible tragedy that Rarity had gotten sick, but Twilight never intended for it to happen. It was Sunset Shimmer’s fault. Everything that Sunset had done was her own fault, Twilight couldn’t be blamed for it any more than Rainbow Dash could. As for the ear, that was just a mistake. Twilight hadn’t even been there. Her moment of clarity couldn’t last. She could no longer remember why she had felt so angry at Twilight. Instead, she felt horribly guilty, that she had tried to cut Twilight off and abandon her over her own stupid mistakes. Why had she treated her old friend so badly? If she had acted rashly recently, it was only because of her cancer. She was at the lowest point in her life, and Rainbow Dash had betrayed her.
Rainbow Dash couldn’t wait another second to mull it over. She couldn’t let the opportunity pass her by. She ran out of the alley to find where Derpy Hooves had gone, only to find that she was standing just a few meters away from the alley’s entrance.
“I’m ready to start tomorrow.”
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Chapter 5: I Just Don't Know What Went Wrong
Applebloom had her eyes closed tightly. The wind buffeting against them was so strong that she was afraid to open them. She was all tensed up, and her legs were wrapped tightly around Rainbow Dash’s torso and neck. She wondered if she was accidentally strangling Rainbow Dash, but if she was, then Rainbow Dash was taking it well. Slowly but surely, Applebloom worked up the courage to open her eyes. She did it slowly, because the more she opened them the more air rushed into them. It was making her mane blow wildly. But as she looked down, her eyes suddenly shot all the way open. The shores of Salt Lake zoomed past underneath them. Applebloom could see the waves crashing against the cliffs far below them. She could see the tops of the trees in the Everfree forest waving in the gentle spring breeze, and beautiful rolling grassy hills, and fields of fresh wildflowers in all colors of the rainbow. Applebloom suddenly became aware of a thousand sights and odors, simultaneously familiar and novel. She had never truly realized how beautiful her own hometown was. Seeing it from this new perspective gave her a newfound sense of awestruck admiration. The blowing wind no longer felt like a danger. Instead, it felt exhilarating. She had never gone so fast before. As Rainbow Dash made a big counterclockwise semicircle to turn around and go back to the lake, Applebloom reveled in the excitement of the centrifugal force that pulled her to the right. As they passed the shores of the lake a second time, Applebloom shifted herself to see the waves of the lake, and all of the watercraft that lazily traveled atop it, not wanting to miss what she had been too scared to observe on the way out. But she shifted herself a little too much, and lost her footing (hooving?), and fell off of Rainbow Dash’s back, plummeting towards the lake surface.
Applebloom felt her stomach try to escape out through her heart as the glittering water accelerated towards her. She screamed in surprise and flailed her legs, but she had no wings, and there was nothing her little body could do to slow her descent.
Applebloom felt Rainbow Dash’s legs curl around her tightly and she decelerated rapidly as Rainbow Dash pulled up, transferring her downward momentum forward. Applebloom’s dangling legs were mere centimeters above the water zipping beneath her, and she could feel droplets of water nipping at her hooves. By the time she had regained her bearings and was aware of what had just happened, Rainbow Dash pulled up and slowed down, gliding in a circle around the boat and making a graceful and careful landing, setting Applebloom down on the wooden surface of the sailboat, where her friends were waiting with shocked faces.
“Are you alright?” said Rainbow Dash, panickedly inspecting Applebloom all around for damage that could not possibly have existed given the nature of the danger.
“THAT. WAS AWESOME!!” said Applebloom, prancing in circles around the boat and screaming in the same way pretty much all kids do when they’re excited.
“You’re the best Rainbow Dash! This is the best day ever!” she said.
Rainbow Dash was still in panic mode, but her heart melted at the sight of Applebloom’s goofy open-mouth smile. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo concurred in unison with Applebloom. Applebloom, pleased as punch, leapt forward to hug Sweetie Belle, and accidentally knocked Scootaloo’s backpack into the water in the process. Sweetie Belle pulled it up with telekinesis before it could sink, but it was now soaked.
“Oops…” said Applebloom, her excitement crashing up against a wall of shame.
“Oh no!” said Scootaloo.
“It’s alright, it’s just a backpack,” said Rainbow Dash, “it can be replaced. You didn’t have anything important in there did you?”
“I don’t think so. Just some schoolbooks.”
“I can replace those. No worries. I’ll buy you a new backpack too.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Really?” said Scootaloo.
“Absolutely! My auntie Dot Dot left me plenty of money. It’s all on me from now on.”
“Wow!” said Scootaloo, “I didn’t even know you had an aunt! Ooh!” Scootaloo looked like she suddenly remembered something and opened up the backpack upside down and dumped it onto the deck. After moving away a few soggy books on pony history and ringworm prevention, Scootaloo found what she was looking for.
“Oh good! The water didn’t get through!” Scootaloo was holding a small plastic bag of pink meth.
“SCOOTALOO!” Rainbow Dash nearly screamed. Sweetie Belle came running up and tried to take the bag in her mouth, but Rainbow Dash swiped it from Scootaloo before she could.
“What is this?” said Rainbow Dash, holding the bag up high with her wing. Sweetie Belle and Applebloom lowered their heads in shame. After realizing what she had done, Scootaloo gulped.
“I’m sorry Rainbow Dash!” said Sweetie Belle, trotting in front of Scootaloo, “I gave it to her! I didn’t want my sister to find it. Please please don’t tell her!”
“Wh-“ Rainbow Dash didn’t know what to say, “where the hell did you get this? You’re a little filly. Why do you have… meth?” The three fillies all broke eye contact and looked around sheepishly.
“Uhhh…” they all said in unison.
“Spit it out…” said Rainbow Dash, unconsciously emulating Twilight.
“Diamond Tiara sold it to us!” Sweetie Belle blurted out.
“Who?”
“Diamond Tiara! She’s the most popular filly in class, and-“
“ANOTHER FOAL SOLD THIS TO YOU‽” The cutie mark crusaders nodded their heads.
“We weren’t gonna try it or anything!” said Applebloom, “we were just really curious! Diamond Tiara said she had made a bunch of money from meth and we called her a liar and she took out the bag and she was bragging about how high quality it was and it was pink and she called us pussies and Sweetie Belle didn’t know what that meant and she started laughing at us and Silver Spoon was there and things just kind of happened and Sweetie Belle ended up buying it to prove she was cool and also that she wasn’t poor because Diamond Tiara kept bragging about how much money she was making please don’t tell anypony!”
“I won’t. I won’t.” said Rainbow Dash, “Applejack won’t hear about this. But this stuff is not okay for young fillies like you. I don’t want you to be getting into this anymore. Trust me, it doesn’t lead anywhere good.” Rainbow Dash chucked the meth into the lake, and it sank down into the abyss, out of sight.
“Oh man…” said Sweetie Belle, “that was really expensive…”
“Well it IS methamphetamine!” said Rainbow Dash.
(AN: while writing this chapter I googled “my little pony binoculars” to see if ponies had used binoculars before and how they used them, and discovered to my astonishment that My Little Pony brand binoculars were a real product sold by Hasbro. At first I thought “who the fuck would buy something like this” but soon realized that I would absolutely like to have a pair. Luckily, I have too much self-control and too little living space to spend 150 dollars scoring a pair of used Pinkie Pie binoculars off ebay, but I could not possibly not let this be known to my readers. I mean this is Evangelion levels of merchandising. Anyway, ponies hold binoculars by holding them up with two hooves. Scootaloo does it one time.)
Rainbow Dash was sitting in a bush besides an elementary school, watching little foals with her generic, plain black binoculars. This is a very suspicious thing for a pony to do, but she had a good reason. She was watching for one filly in particular. She had a strong personal interest in where she was going to go when class let out.
When the bell rang, the little ponies trotted out the door, almost single file, but a lot of them were eager to get home, or pushed past their classmates to catch up with their friends from different grades. Only a handful of helicopter parents were there to pick them up right out of the door. Ponyville was a safe place with good public transportation, and it was traditional for foals to just walk home by themselves, which was of course good news for anypony hiding in a bush with a pair of binoculars.
Diamond Tiara moved out of the line and loitered around the front of the schoolhouse until Silver Spoon showed up. Not surprising, they were good friends. They didn’t leave together though. They talked for a while, and eventually Silver Spoon went west, towards downtown, but Diamond Tiara went east, where not many ponies lived.
Rainbow Dash quickly realized a problem with her strategy. In order to follow Diamond Tiara she’d have to leave her bush. It was a very good hiding place, but not a very good leaving-without-being-seen place. There were still teachers everywhere. She had to think of a plan, and fast, before Diamond Tiara completely disappeared from sight.
If she couldn’t leave her bush, maybe she could leave with it. A moving bush was more suspicious than a stationary one, but still less suspicious than a pony, Rainbow Dash reasoned, incorrectly. She scrambled as fast as she could to rip out all the bush’s roots with her teeth, causing quite a commotion as everypony in the vicinity turned and stared in the direction of the racket, watching in confusion as an unassuming bush shook violently, and then lifted itself off the ground and took flight high into the afternoon sky. All the yearlings turned to look at Cheerilee, who simply shrugged and said, “Twilight will take care of it.”
Diamond Tiara fortunately was not in the habit of looking up. The sky was for poor people. Rainbow Dash followed her for kilometers (ponies can walk very far, just like ponies in real life) until she reached a dilapidated old shack in the middle of nowhere. It certainly did not look like any place fit for a blue-blooded trust-fund-filly to dine on caviar and hors(e) d’oeuvres. She knocked on the door, and two ponies, a pegasus and an earth pony, cracked the door open and peered their heads out.
“I have the money.” Said Diamond Tiara, “the money I got from selling the meth you sold me! Can you sell me some more meth please?”
“Keep your voice down.” Said the earth pony. Her name was Love Letter. Diamond Tiara looked confused and looked behind her.
“There’s nopony else here.”
“Oh yeah? Look up.” All three of them looked up and stared directly at the flying bush.
“It’s just a green cloud.” Said Diamond Tiara, who as previously stated did not have a lot of experience with looking upward.
“Forget-Me-Not,” said Love Letter, “I fear we may have two little birdies in the bush, which are worth one bird in the hand, and caged birds don’t sing.”
“What?” said Forget-Me-Not, the pegasus.
“FLY UP AND BRING DOWN THE BUSH!”
Forget-Me-Not acquiesced right away. She took off and zoomed towards Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash asked herself a very important question. What would a bush do in a situation like this? That’s right, it leaves . Rainbow Dash tried to beat a hasty retreat, but as she turned around, her wings got caught in the brambles, and she was unable to keep flapping at all, much less fly away, and she fell out of the sky like a brick, hitting Forget-Me-Not on the way down.
Rainbow Dash never at any point fell unconscious, but she was in enough pain that she didn’t put up a fight when Love Letter and Forget-Me-Not dragged her out of her bush and into the shack, and tied her to a radiator. They bound her wings with rope, hogtied her legs together, and put a muzzle over her mouth. “Uh oh”, thought Rainbow Dash.
Love Letter and Forget-Me-Not stood in front of her, being intimidating. Diamond Tiara stood in the corner, looking scared as shit.
“Why were you spying on us?” said Love Letter.
“…” said Rainbow Dash.
“She can’t talk, you put the muzzle on her.” Said Forget-Me-Not.
“Shut up, I knew that.” Said Love Letter, taking off the muzzle. Then she asked again.
“Why were you spying on us?”
“Why were YOU selling meth to elementary schoolers!” said Rainbow Dash.
“It’s our job,” said Love Letter, proudly, “we’re the Las Pollas Hermanas youth outreach division! Our job is to introduce methamphetamine to a new, younger audience! The customer base for crystal meth has been stagnant for a long time, but foals are a hot new market. The pink color of the new stuff makes it way easier. Little yearlings love bright colors.”
“Employing children to sell drugs is wrong! It’s un-, wait what did you say your name was?”
“The Las Pollas Hermanas youth outreach division,” repeated Love Letter, “we’re also considering Las Pollas Hermanas Junior.”
“The penis sisters?” said Rainbow Dash.
“What?”
“That’s what that means. Las pollas hermanas. The penis sisters.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” Love Letter said to Forget-Me-Not, “Forget-Me-Not, go grab a dictionary.”
“We do have a dictionary,” said Forget-Me-Not, “but it’s only in pony English. We don’t have a pony Spanish dictionary.”
“Shit.” Said Love Letter, “Well, I don’t wanna torture and kill her until I find out if that’s right. I don’t remember whose idea that name was but if we’ve been calling ourselves the penis sisters for six months, I wanna fucking know.”
“I think it was Victory’s idea.”
“Yeah, and that actually makes me trust it less. Victory’s an asshole. Remember when he spent like two weeks trying to get somepony to drink his pee by pretending it was apple juice? It didn’t even look like apple juice. Too red. I think he had a urinary tract infection; it was disgusting. I think he told us that to fuck with us and we took it at face value because we’re retarded.”
“Excuse me?” said Rainbow Dash.
“No I mean the name thing. We knew his pee wasn’t apple juice.”
“I meant you should watch your language around the filly.”
“Oh, shit.” Said Love Letter, remembering the shivering pink 4th grader in the corner.
“Hey,” said Forget-Me-Not, suddenly reminded of Diamond Tiara’s existence, “why don’t we send Diamond Tiara to the library to look it up, and we’ll stay here and watch the prisoner?”
“I-I-I-I…” Diamond Tiara stuttered, eventually managing to say “what am I supposed to be looking up again?” Love Letter rolled her eyes.
“Las Pollas Hermanas . What does it mean?”
“Okay, sure.” Said Diamond Tiara, walking towards the door. Then she stopped, turned, and said, “how do you spell le spojaws air monnis?”
“L-A-S space P-O-L-L…” Forget-Me-Not began.
“Wait can I write it down?” she said, looking for a pen and paper.
“Oh for Celestia’s sake!” said Love Letter, “Forget-Me-Not and I will go. You stay here and watch the prisoner. That’s the easier job anyway. She’s tied up real good you can’t possibly mess up. We’ll be back in like an hour. Oh, but first, lemme put this back on her, so she doesn’t bite ya.” Rainbow Dash resisted a little as Love Letter tried to put the muzzle back on, but quickly gave up, as there wasn’t really anything she could accomplish. Love Letter looked proud that the muzzle turned out not to be a waste of time after all. Then she galloped after Forget-Me-Not, who had already started flying away.
“I CAN’T FLY YOU PIECE OF SHIT! SLOW DOWN!”
The room was quiet for an unbearably long time. Eventually, Diamond Tiara felt compelled to break the silence.
“Thank you for being so calm about this by the way.” She said. Rainbow Dash could not respond, because of the muzzle.
“I mean, those two can be pretty intense. Usually ponies freak out.” Rainbow Dash could not respond, because of the muzzle. Diamond Tiara took notice of this, and hestitantly removed it. Rainbow Dash opened and closed her mouth a few times, stretching her muscles.
“I’m gonna be honest,” said Rainbow Dash, “I took a LOT of downers before this. I am pretty out of it.”
“That’s uh. That’s good. I guess.” Said Diamond Tiara.
More unbearable silence.
“How old are you?” This time it was Rainbow Dash who broke the silence.
“Ten and a half.” Said Diamond Tiara.
You have to understand that when I say silence, I don’t mean there was no noise. Old, dilapidated buildings are always making freaky sounds. Whenever they stopped making pipes out of lead they started building pipes out of the bones of the vengeful dead, and that’s why at night the pipes are always screaming at you to kill yourself. The two ponies could hear the pipes, and the slow whirring of the ceiling fan. And the metallic clanks of Rainbow Dash’s restraints that bumped against the concrete floor or the drywall every now and then. It was silent in the sense that nopony was saying anything. They were just staring straight into each other’s eyes, thinking to themselves “holy shit, why can’t I be anywhere else but here right now.”
“I’m sorry.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m sorry that you got involved in all this. Fillies shouldn’t be hanging out with criminals. They shouldn’t be selling meth. You shouldn’t be a part of this.”
“What are you, my mom? What I do is none of your business. I don’t even know you.”
“It is my business.” Rainbow Dash didn’t raise her head off the ground as she spoke, “I’m culpable in all this.”
“What does culpable mean?”
“Culpable means that I cooked the meth you sell. It means that everything that happens here, is on me as much as it is on anypony else who works for my boss. It means that I fucked up. And now I’m going to die.”
Diamond Tiara shifted uncomfortably.
“You really cook our meth?” Rainbow Dash nodded.
“Me and Glitter.”
“You know Glitter?” Diamond Tiara looked amazed, “what’s she like?”
Rainbow Dash thought about it for a minute.
“I don’t know.” She eventually said.
Diamond Tiara really wanted to turn off that ceiling fan, but she wasn’t sure if Love Letter and Forget-Me-Not would allow it. It seemed to scream in her ears whenever there was a lull in the conversation.
“So, uh… Why were you spying on us?”
“I was following you.” Said Rainbow Dash, who wasn’t making eye contact, “You sold my meth to my friend’s sister. I wanted to know who you worked for. I wanted to… I don’t know. I don’t know what I wanted to do. I just didn’t want to do nothing.”
Diamond Tiara fidgeted for a while.
“Are you mad at me?” she said.
“No.” said Rainbow Dash.
Diamond Tiara tiphoofed out of the room and dragged in a step stool. Placing it in front of a bookshelf, she balanced herself on top of it with two legs, and carefully retrieved a small knife from the top of the shelf with her mouth. Then she stepped down and, without making eye contact, cut the ropes binding Rainbow Dash’s wings and legs, then the rope connecting her to the radiator.
Rainbow Dash stood up and stretched her legs, and the two stared at each other awkwardly.
“Why did you do that?” said Rainbow Dash.
Diamond Tiara burst into tears.
“They were going to cut your head off!” said Diamond Tiara, sobbing loudly and heavily, forcing out each word through her tears, which soaked into her fur and caused it to mat, giving her the appearance of a stuffed animal which had been worn to oblivion by years of a child’s love. “They’ve done it before!” Rainbow Dash could barely make out Diamond Tiara’s words, they were so distorted by the physical effects of her despair. She followed her instincts, and gave Diamond Tiara a hug. The filly shoved her face into the side of Rainbow Dash’s abdomen and bawled violently. She was talking a lot, but Rainbow Dash couldn’t tell what she was saying. Rainbow Dash felt a horrible pang of sympathy, deep in her stomach, that seemed to sap her of some of her strength. She hugged the filly close, wiped her tears, and said to her:
“Listen. When they come back, tell them I escaped. You tried to stop me, but I was too fast. I broke the ropes. Okay?” Diamond Tiara nodded, although she was in no condition to verbally assent. Before she left, Rainbow Dash pulled the stool back into the other room (which turned out to be a kitchen, sans food. The building must have been an abandoned homestead) and put the knife back on top of the shelf. She really wanted to say or do something else to help the poor filly, but her mind could not conjure anything up. Instead, she flew away towards home, the sunset behind her.
2 DAYS LATER
“You’re late.” Said Love Letter.
“Sue me.” Said Victory, “I hope you started without me. The boss is gonna arrive in like half an hour.”
“No we didn’t get started without you. We’re not fixers. We’re dealers. It’s not our job.”
“Oh like it’s that fucking hard to bury a body. It’s just digging a hole. You should have started the day you killed the bitch. Leaving a corpse in your shack for two days isn’t just legally dangerous, it’s unsanitary. It’s disgusting.”
“You think we’ll be able to finish before the boss gets here?” said Forget-Me-Not.
“Maybe.” Said Victory, “can I see the body?”
Love Letter dragged a black trash bag that was leaning up against the shack’s back wall and opened it up.
“Wow, that’s a small corpse.” Said Victory, “I guess that’s an advantage to working with children. Still, if you’d hired an adult she wouldn’t have pussied out on you. Where’s the head?”
“It’s in another, smaller bag.” Said Love Letter, “It was too awkward to carry them both in the same bag, the head kept rolling around whenever we were moving it.” Love Letter carried up the aforementioned bag and Victory took a peek.
“And the tiara?” he said.
“Forget-Me-Not has it. She wanted to hock it.”
“Don’t. It’s too traceable. She has the damn thing as her cutie mark. It’s gonna be in all the press photos. Bury it too. Doesn’t need to be here or now, you don’t have to go back and get it, but it’s gotta get buried.” Forget-Me-Not begrudgingly assented.
“Now, does this place have a plow?”
“In the storage room.”
“Go get it.” Love Letter grumbled as she obeyed. Almost nopony particularly liked Victory, but the boss did, so everypony had to give him respect.
Love Letter attached herself to the plow and began to dig. She did this by starting at one end of a very small rectangular plot they had drawn into the grass with a stick, and dragging the plow to the other end. It was only about 1.5 meters across, but the grass provided a lot of resistance, and Love Letter wasn’t very strong, so it took a decent amount of time for each go-across. Then the other two ponies would help dump the dirt and lift up the plow, and Love Letter would walk backward until she reached the end of the rectangle again. They repeated this for a while, eventually getting into a rhythm.
Once the hole started to get deeper, this strategy no longer worked as well. The three of them had to lift the plow half a meter up to get it out of the hole in the ground it was in. Love Letter climbed out of the hole with the plow still attached to her back and looked up and behind her. Then she screamed out in panic and tried to run out of instinct, but the reins were still attached, and she jerked violently and slipped onto the ground. Bullets rained from the sky, and three of them hit her. Two of them just grazed her torso, but one of them hit her deep in the back left calf. She cried out in pain. Forget-Me-Not immediately took flight and zoomed towards the assailant. Victory, who had a horn but no wings, ran away in a zig-zag pattern.
Rainbow Dash unloaded her M16 at Forget-Me-Not. Only one of the bullets hit its mark, striking the pegasus in the belly. But her momentum was too strong, and she collided with Rainbow Dash, grabbed her, and yanked her towards the ground. Rainbow Dash struggled against Forget-Me-Not as she felt her blood drip out of her stomach and splatter onto Rainbow Dash’s back leg’s, carried by the wind as they plummeted to the ground. She managed to push her off and slow her descent, landing haphazardly onto the grass. Forget-Me-Not managed to land on her feet. In front of her, Victory was moving towards her again, and he wasn’t zig-zagging. She didn’t bother picking up her gun. She had no more bullets. She stood in a fighting stance, waiting to fight Victory one-on-one. Victory shot a laser at her from his horn. She dodged quickly and it only grazed her head but it threw her off enough that Victory had no problem jumping her and striking her head with his hooves. Rainbow Dash cried out in shock as he bit into her neck, chomping as hard as he could. Rainbow Dash screeched and wriggled herself free and hit him back with her own hooves, but it wasn’t a very good hit. Rainbow Dash heard Forget-Me-Not coming up behind her and ran for the building. Two-on-one from different directions was not good. She needed to think of a new plan fast.
Darting inside, Rainbow Dash scrambled to find the knife on top of the bookshelf. It wasn’t there, but she found it in the kitchen, freshly cleaned next to the sink. She grabbed it with her wing and ran towards the vestibule. Victory was waiting for her in the doorway. She began to rush towards him with the knife, but he snatched it out of her wing with telekinesis and slashed her across the abdomen. Rainbow Dash screamed bloody murder as he slashed her again across the cheek, and stabbed her in her front leg, deep, causing her to fall forward onto her face. The knife flew out the door and onto the ground. He then dragged her telekinetically through the doorway and out onto the grass, while she kicked and screamed and cried and flapped her wings furiously.
“YOU BASTARDS!” she screamed loud enough to hurt her throat, “YOU MURDERED HER!”
Victory chuckled as he dragged Rainbow Dash to the other ponies, joking:
“Let me tell y’all the good news. We won’t need to dig a second grave.” The two injured ponies did not share Victory’s convivial attitude. They looked at her with searing, burning hatred.
“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!” Rainbow Dash screamed. Then the three of them proceeded to beat her savagely.
They stomped on her face until she dislocated her jaw, and crushed her ribs repeatedly, breaking them in multiple places. They kicked her violently until she lacked the energy to resist. Blood dribbled from her open mouth and created meandering brooks in the grooves of the dirt, not quite ready to seep into the dry soil. Love Letter spat in her face.
“Rape her.” Love Letter said to Victory, “and then TEAR OFF HER FUCKING LIMBS!” Victory laughed.
“Damn, some pony’s pissy today, huh? You get shot once, and now everything has to be a whole fucking ordeal. Use your head, Love Letter. The boss is coming in like five minutes. Just slit her throat and throw her in the hole. No need to get all Sunset Shimmer about it.”
“Fuck that.” Said Forget-Me-Not, “Throw her in the hole now. Bury her alive together with that filly she apparently cares so much about.”
“Well,” said Victory, “it seems we’re at an impasse. Why don’t we settle this with a game of-“ He blew up.
The explosion of red mist formerly known as Victory blinded everypony present. Bits of organ and bone careened through the air and landed several meters away. From above, the scene looked like a red star on the ground. In the center of it stood Twilight Sparkle, a deep red from the pony blood that coated her fur.
Twilight shot a laser from her horn at Forget-Me-Not, blasting a hole straight through her neck. She died instantly. By this time, Love Letter had opened her eyes, but it was too late. She held her in place telekinetically and cut her throat open with the knife, then slowly pulled back the head and let the blood pour out. Then she threw her onto the ground and shot a laser into her torso for good measure.
“I knew you’d pull some shit like this, Rainbow Dash. I told you not to do this. I told you! And look what happened.” Twilight Sparkle didn’t await a response because before she had even finished saying this she had taken notice of the condition that Rainbow Dash was in, and suddenly scolding her was no longer the most top-of-mind issue.
“Rainbow Dash?” Rainbow Dash looked up at her.
Twilight’s attention was caught by something in her peripheral vision.
“Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight, “this would be a good time to fly away.” Rainbow Dash struggled to get to her feet. Twilight helped her up, and Rainbow Dash leaned on her as she tried to stand, but ultimately she fell back down. Twilight looked back in the distance. She could see the caravan of ponies coming up from the west. Derpy was coming.
“Come on, Rainbow Dash.” Twilight began to say, but quickly gave up the plan. She wasn’t going anywhere. But she didn’t like the thought of what was going to happen to her if she stayed here either. As Finger Flyer flew forward to meet his now ex-colleagues, Twilight made a decision. She zapped Rainbow Dash and she disappeared in a purple cloud. As for herself, Twilight elected to stay and try to explain.
Derpy’s entourage did not look happy about what they found. They drew their weapons as Derpy strolled up to the front and looked around at the carnage, taking stock of the situation. She squinted at Twilight and sighed.
“Finger,” she said, “kill that red unicorn.”
“Um, Derpy,” said Finger, “that’s Twilight.”
Derpy’s face took on a look of shock, which soon turned into a look of seething anger.
“Okay,” said Twilight, “I know this looks bad, but I can explain.”
Chapter 6: Two Revolvers One Box Cutter
“And how easy would it be to aim?” asked Twilight.
“Depends how close y’are.” He said, “Seein’ as you’re a unicorn, should be easy as pie if it’s close range. Just push the barrel into their head and squeeze the trigger. Not hard with telekinesis. Long range’d be tricky. If you ain’t got experience I recommend skippin’ the revolver and getting’ somethin’ more spray-and-pray.” The arms dealer rifled through his suitcase.
“A close-range weapon is fine. In fact it’s ideal. I won’t need to use it from a distance. I like the size of this one too, it’s concealable.” Twilight put the revolver into her coat pocket, making sure that it fit. It did, just barely. Then she took it out again and continued to examine it. She had to squint. The hotel room didn’t have good lighting, and it was late at night. Twilight wished, not for the last time, that Trixie could give her a contact that did business during the day.
“Well, you can’t guarantee the circumstances under which you might end up in a gunfight.” Said the arms dealer, “but it’ll be less of a problem if… Well. Allow me to be frank. I don’t judge my clients, and I don’t like to pry about what they use my products for. But I gotta ask, just to make sure you’re getting’ the best product for your needs. Are you wantin’ this gun purely for self-defense?”
“Of course!” said Twilight, before rethinking, “well, I mean. In the grand scheme of things, yes.”
“But in the less grand scheme of things?”
“…No.” said Twilight.
“Well,” he said, “better sneak up on the poor fella then.”
Minty trotted merrily into work, as usual, greeting all the laundromat employees as she went by. Nopony responded, but that’s because it was protocol. Minty was 100% certain that they returned the favor in their internal monologues. Traveling down the elevator, Minty opened up her lunchbox for the third time that morning to make absolutely sure that she hadn’t forgotten her gift. It was still there. Right on top of her lunch, where she had left it. That was a relief.
Twilight was where she had been every morning for the past three weeks, standing in front of the door that led into the lab. Mrs. Hooves had changed the locks, and only she, Minty, and some unicorn stallion named Veritas had a key. Minty thought it was a little unfair, since Twilight was the cook and she was merely the assistant, but it did mean that she always got to talk with Twilight a little bit before the cook began. Twilight was very business-oriented, but Minty enjoyed bouts of pleasant conversation.
“Good morning!” said Minty. Twilight didn’t reply. She must not have been a morning pony, Minty figured, because she never seemed very upbeat. Ever morning since Minty had been rehired she seemed like she was always on edge, shifty, and anxious. She probably wasn’t getting enough sleep. The lack of breakfast couldn’t help either.
“I know you’re probably itching to get started, but before I open the door, there’s something I want to show you.” Said Minty, opening her lunchbox, “I got you a gift!” Minty took out two pairs of purple socks (ponies wouldn’t say “two pairs”, they would say a quartet of socks, because four is the most normal quantity of socks to a quadruped). Minty realized that they were soaked in oil and cucumber juice.
“Uh oh.” Said minty, “Maybe I shouldn’t have put them on top of my pizza. They’re kinda soggy. Quite a lot of pizza… liquid got into them. But no probs! It should come right out in the wash! You don’t have to put them on now.” Minty handed the socks to Twilight, who picked them up with telekinesis, too revolted to touch the wet, foul-smelling footwear.
“I made them myself!” Minty beamed proudly, “to celebrate us working together again. I promise that whatever it was that made it not work out for us last time, I’ll do better. And this is my promise in gift form! I made them dark purple because it matched your coat!”
“Thanks Minty.” Said Twilight, hovering them in the air nearly half a meter away. Minty began to pick out the little woolen threads that were stuck on the top of her cold pizza slices using her teeth, when Twilight cleared her throat to get her attention.
“The door?” she said.
“Oh, right!” said Minty, unlocking the door and opening it, holding it open to let Twilight go in first before following behind her.
“I see our new friend is still here.” Said Minty, looking at the wall-mounted security camera.
“I don’t think it’ll be going away any time soon.” Said Twilight.
“Can you do the thing?” said Minty. Twilight didn’t even sigh.
“Come oooooon.” Said Minty.
“Fine.” Said Twilight. Twilight walked back and forth across the metal catwalk, first slowly, then quickly. Minty watched the security camera as it whirred left and right, following Twilight Sparkle wherever she went. Minty laughed. It never got old.
“You know why it only follows you?” asked Minty.
“I can’t imagine.” Said Twilight.
“Well, I was thinking about it last night,” said Minty, “and I think I have an idea.”
“Oh yeah?” said Twilight.
“Yeah,” Minty put on her explaining face, “you see, older ponies on average have a higher body temperature than younger ponies right?” Twilight nodded, even though she didn’t know that. “Yeah, well I’m thinking, the camera operates by heat. It tracks the hottest thing in the room. You’re almost a decade older than me, so whenever we’re both in the room it only follows you!”
“I’m not that old.” Snapped Twilight.
“Oh no I didn’t mean it like that!” Minty said apologetically, “I just mean you’re older than me. So like, you’re hotter. Well, not hotter, but um, you know what I mean.”
“Why don’t we get started?” said Twilight.
“Of course.” Said Minty, “But first!” Twilight shot her a look, “no wait! I really need to know! One more thing to ask, before we start cooking.”
“Shoot.”
“Where’s your lunch?” That caught Twilight off guard. First she looked around, then she tried to probe her memory. Son of a bitch. She cringed and shoved her hoof into her face.
“I forgot it.” She said. She let out a sigh so long and pained that she had to take a breath in the middle so as not to cut it short prematurely. “I did not get enough sleep last night.”
“What were you doing last night? Something fuuuun?” Minty probed.
“Shopping.”
“For what?”
“Minty,” said Twilight, completely ignoring the question, “let’s cook.”
Trixie was relaxing in her office with a long island iced tea.
“Mrs. Trixie?” Snips said, holding the door open just a crack and speaking through the crack, “Finger Flyer is here to see you.”
“Tell him I’m busy.” Said Trixie, squeezing some of her lemon slice into her drink. The door swung open all the way as Finger Flyer yanked Snips backwards and strolled into the office.
“Woah woah woah can’t you see the great and powerful Trixie is busy?” Trixie said indignantly, wiping down the lemon juice she had inadvertently spilled on her desk.
“I’m looking to find a client of yours and was hoping you could help me out with an address.” Said Finger.
“Which client?” said Trixie.
“Rainbow Dash.”
“Rainbow Dash’s address? I’m sure it’s on her neocities.” Trixie said, maintaining her calm as she took another drink.
“Don’t play this game with me Trixie,” Finger didn’t raise his voice, but he spoke in a commanding tone, “Rainbow Dash’s current whereabouts. Where is she right now?”
“Where is she right now? You think I keep a GPS on my clients? I’m her lawyer not her babysitter. I can take my eyes off her and trust her not to drink any of the chemicals under the sink. Most of the time anyway.” Trixie smirked and leaned in to take another sip, but Finger knocked the glass out of her hand and it smashed into the wall, shattering, and soaking the linoleum and cheap wallpaper in alcohol.
“Hey listen here-“ Trixie began before Finger cut her off.
“Trixie,” Finger interrupted her, and she didn’t dare continue, “When I say I’m looking for Rainbow Dash, you know why. I know you know why. So don’t put on this know-nothing act with me, and don’t waste my fuckin’ time.” Finger got his face real close to Trixie’s. “Don’t make me beat you ‘til your legs don’t work.”
That shut her up.
“Now,” he concluded, “I ask you again. Where is Rainbow Dash?” Trixie hesitated a long time.
“Finger… I… I can’t tell you. Listen, my clients have attorney-client confidentiality. If I didn’t follow that code of conduct, I could give you up just as easily as you’re expecting me to give up Rainbow Dash. It doesn’t work like that. I can’t give up personal information about my clients, I’m sorry.” Finger nodded understandably. Then he threw an office chair at her.
“SHE’S IN APPLELOOSA!” Trixie screamed, dodging the flying desk chair and falling down to the ground in a fetal position. “I BROUGHT HER OVER THERE IN A TURNIP WAGON I BORROWED FROM ONE OF MY CLIENTS! I DROPPED HER OFF AT BROWN SUGAR MEMORIAL HOSPITAL! I don’t know where she went from there or what name she’s going by, but she’s got her money with her!” Trixie panted. Her fear morphed into shame.
“Your cooperation has been greatly appreciated.” Finger said, leaving the room. Trixie called out to him.
“You’re a real piece of shit you know that? See if I fuckin’ hire you again!” Finger didn’t give a shit.
“Are you alright, Mrs. Trixie?” Snips came in, seeing that Finger had left.
“You and snails, wipe down the walls. They’re gonna be smelling like turpentine if we don’t get that shit out of there. Also, I hope you frisked him for guns.”
“Yes ma’am. And I checked. He didn’t have any on him.”
“That’s good.” Said Trixie, “at least I would have had a slow death.”
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Said Derpy.
“No, not at all!” said Minty, “I’m just surprised to see you, come on in!” Derpy removed her jacket and hung it on Minty’s coat rack. Minty was the only pony Derpy knew that had a coat rack.
“I apologize for not calling ahead.” said Derpy.
“No, it’s no problem at all! Sit anywhere you like.” said Minty, “can I get you something to drink?”
“Just water please.” Derpy sat down on an armchair (ponies call them broadchairs) and Minty opened up the fridge.
“I’ve got Crystal Mountain© water, Deep Blue© water, Doctor Electron’s High-electrolyte© water, and Northern Springs© water. I also have two kinds of ice.”
“Northern Springs sounds good,” said Derpy, “and no ice for me thank you.” For herself, Minty poured a glass of the good old Doctor Electron’s. She’d been watching her electrolytes recently.
“I’m here to discuss a rather serious matter with you.” Said Derpy.
“Mm hmm?” Minty said, sipping from her glass (she’d given herself the tinted green one).
“Your partner, Twilight. Has she told you about her… condition?”
“What do you mean?”
“I thought not.” Derpy sighed. “She doesn’t like to discuss her personal life at work. She prefers to keep her two lives separate, and I’ve respected that preference. But even if she doesn’t want to talk about it, her personal life does affect my business, at least it does in this sense. Twilight has cancer. It’s terminal.”
Minty was shocked. “Are you serious?” Derpy nodded.
“It’s the whole reason she started working in this business. She had bills to pay. Her friends had bills to pay. She wanted to make money to leave for her… various relations. And she has done that. The three of us have accomplished a lot forever, but… I hate to say it… it won’t last forever.” Minty’s eyes were tearing up.
“How much longer does she have?” Derpy sighed again.
“She doesn’t want to talk about it. It could be tomorrow, it could be in six months, I’m not sure. But I fear the worst, and in my business, I always try to prepare for the worst-case scenario. When she’s… gone, I want you to take over the lab. And I wanted to know… how long you think it will be before you’ll be ready.” Minty thought about it for a long time.
“Jeez… I mean… All on my own?”
“You’ll have your own assistant of course. I’ll attend to that.”
“I don’t think I’m ready right now,” said Minty, “I mean,” Minty had a bad habit of saying ‘I mean’ when she wasn’t confident about herself, “I know my chemistry but Twilight, she’s a genius. I’d need… at least a few more cooks before I could really fully grasp her method.”
“How many?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“How much time, at a minimum, would it take for you to learn her method completely?”
“Well… If I studied her very closely, I think I could get it in… two more weeks?”
“Two more weeks.” Derpy repeated back.
“Yeah.” Said Minty, “Two more weeks.”
TWO WEEKS LATER
Trixie’s clock was off. She knew her clock was off because the alternative explanation was that Twilight was over 60 seconds later, and that was impossible. She was supposed to show up at 5:09 PM exactly, and her rotten, lying timepiece said that it was 5:10 and 20 seconds. She’d be able to know just how off it was when Twilight came, but she doubted Twilight would let her set her clock back before they headed out. Actually, knowing Twilight, she probably would. Trixie had just made up her mind to ask her when Twilight appeared, in a flash of purple light, exactly where she said she would appear, and grabbed Trixie as she tried to ask “Can I reset my clock first?” but they had already both teleported away by the time she finished the sentence.
“What did you say?” Twilight asked.
“Never mind.” Trixie said, trying to stand still and get her head straight so the sky would stop spinning. Teleportation was kind of nauseating. That’s why Rainbow Dash had vomited all over her office floor when Twilight had sent her.
Doctor Boiler was standing on his porch, looking at his pocket watch.
“You’re exactly on time.” He said. Trixie fucking knew it. Twilight’s eyes darted all around, and she galloped inside.
“Come on, come on!” She said, “Don’t let anypony see us.”
“Oh, y’all are alright.” Said Doctor Boiler, “There ain’t nopony around, I checked. But come on in, she’s waitin’ for y’all.”
By the time Trixie had gotten inside, Rainbow Dash had already tacklehugged Twilight Sparkle.
“You’re back! What the hell took you so long? Where have you been? Oh my Celestia I have been so bored!”
“Feeling better, I presume?” Twilight squeaked out, crushed under the weight of Rainbow Dash’s embrace.
Rainbow Dash sure had made a mess of the place. The last time Twilight had been here, Rainbow Dash had still been confined to the bed, and Doctor Boiler’s cabin was spick and span, apart from all the dust and leaves and wooden sticks and shit that inevitably gets into log cabins in the wilderness. It was plain to see that since she had regained her ability to walk, she had been tearing the place up out of boredom. Rainbow Dash didn’t do well cooped up for long periods of time. Without much to do apart from talk to Doctor Boiler, who by now only came by every few days to drop off food and other things Rainbow Dash requested, Rainbow Dash had to find creative ways to spend her time without leaving her hideout. Every surface was covered with empty bowls, rotten food, failed attempts at origami, sheets of paper, most of which were scribbled on with some short story or self-portrait, and bits of her own fur that she’d pulled out, purely out of boredom. She’d almost burned down the cabin nearly a dozen times.
“I keep tellin’ her to cool it on physical activity until her ribs fully heal, but she keeps zoomin' around the place anyway.” Said Doctor Boiler. Doctor Boiler was not really a doctor, he was a veterinarian, but he was a close friend of Trixie’s and great at keeping secrets, so he was a much better choice than taking her to the hospital, where Derpy’s employees would have found her in less than a day. The cabin was Trixie’s. She’d had it for years as a place to go to lay low. It came in handy a lot.
“Here’s your money for the week.” Trixie handed a wad of bits to the ‘doctor’. “Don’t worry about trying to get her to stop moving around, she’s an athletic little creature. What’s important is nopony learns she’s here. ‘Cause it’ll be all of our asses on the line, okay? Now if you don’t mind…”
“Of course.” Doctor Boiler said, packing his stuff and leaving, “y’all have business to discuss. I won’t keep y’all. I don’t get paid to hear secrets.” When he left, Rainbow Dash was the first to talk.
“Please tell me there’s some good news.”
“Good news?” said Trixie, “The only good news is that none of us died before this little get-together. Apart from that, you’re shit-outta-luck if you’re looking for good news. My own private investigator is threatening to break my legs! He’s supposed to be working for me! I told him you were in Appleloosa but that was over a week ago. I’d bet dollars to donuts they already know you’re not there. Finger’s no slacker. It’s only a matter of time before they find you, and I don’t think I need to spell it out for you what’s gonna happen when they do.”
“We need a plan.” Said Twilight.
“Yeah, no shit.” Said Trixie, “What we need is an exit plan. And luckily for your sorry asses, I’ve got one.” Trixie took out a plain-looking eggshell business card.
“Ponyville Quality Furniture.” Rainbow Dash read, “How exactly is this supposed to help us?”
“This is a contact I’ve been keeping in my back pocket.” Said Trixie, “She’s a disappearer. She can wipe you off the face of Equestria, literally.”
“She kills you?” said Twilight.
“No, she takes you somewhere else. Another dimension. Your physical appearance is completely changed. New world, new body, new name. It’s totally untraceable. Now let me be clear, this is an endgame. If you take this option there’s no going back. You leave behind your homeland, your very species. You can never see your friends or family ever again. I’m only bringing it up now because every single one of us is on the chopping block if I’m not mistaken.”
“Twilight’s doing fine.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Yeah, until Derpy has me killed and replaced with Minty. I know they’re planning on it. It’s only a matter of time. We finish this week’s cook tomorrow. I’d be surprised if I live through the weekend.” Said Twilight.
“So you’re in?” said Trixie.
“Fuck no.” said Twilight. “I’m not abandoning my friends to live as some body horror freak in an alien dimension for the rest of my short, cancer-ridden life. I can’t leave behind Ponyville, and I don’t think Rainbow Dash can either.”
“No…” said Rainbow Dash, “I couldn’t.”
“Well, if you two have any better ideas, I’m all ears.” Said Trixie.
“Why don’t we just go to the police?” said Rainbow Dash. The other two looked at her like she was a sea anemone who had just walked into the room and offered up her opinion on veganism.
“What?” said Twilight.
“We’re best friends with the head of the anti-drug task force. If we squealed, I guarantee we’d get witness protection. That’s a good deal. Derpy would go to jail, we’d be alive. Just… a quick exit. From all of this. We wipe the slate clean, pretend this never happened.”
“Well hang on a second here guys,” said Trixie, “I’m not sure you’re really considering the full, uh, ramifications of what you’re saying here. Maybe you’d get off for snitch privileges, but I don’t think your friend Glitter here would be quite so lucky. And what about ol’ Slippin’ Trixie? What happens to her? I shouldn’t even need to say it, but I’m not going along with any plan that leads to me going to jail.”
“We’re not going to the police.” Said Twilight. “No matter what, we don’t go to the police. Applejack can’t know. Not now, not ever. And I’m not running away either. The cook can’t stop, no matter what. That’s the one thing I’m absolutely certain about. The only reason Derpy hasn’t killed me yet after what we did, is that without me she has no product. She can’t afford to kill me for as long as I’m her only cook. For as long as the cook continues, I have leverage. If the cook stops, or I’m replaced, not only am I not safe, nopony I know is safe. The cook can’t stop.”
“So what exactly is your plan?” said Trixie. Twilight took out a revolver.
“If I can be replaced, we die. So I won’t be replaced.”
“You’re gonna kill Minty‽” Rainbow Dash caught on quick.
“It’s her or us.”
“I don’t know Twilight; this doesn’t feel right. She didn’t do anything…”
“Rainbow Dash, this is life or death. I can’t do this alone. I need your help.”
“Wh-? Are you- Do you want me to do it‽”
“I’m not asking that. I just need your help. I need an address. Derpy’s employees watch me too closely, I can’t find where she lives. But Derpy doesn’t know where you are, she’s not tracking you. I just need her address. I can do the rest. But please, Rainbow Dash. I can’t do this without you.”
“Why can’t Trixie do it?”
“They’re following Trixie as much as they’re following me. They know about her; it can’t be her. Please, I need you to do this for me.” Twilight looked into Rainbow Dash’s eyes, even as Rainbow Dash tried to look away. “I saved your life, Rainbow Dash. Are you gonna save mine?”
Before she left, Twilight gave Rainbow Dash a prepaid cellphone, a revolver (she had bought two), and of course, a book.
The next afternoon was a very stressful one. After she finished the day’s cook and said her goodbyes to Minty, Twilight was glancing behind her every four steps of the way home. At home, she wrote a letter to Celestia about what she’d learned that week about not judging others for having different tastes in music than you, and then played a board game with Spike. It was called “Campaign for the Eastern Mountains”, and by the time Twilight finished explaining the rules, it was dinnertime. Spike was all too eager to start cooking rather than playing, since he had not been listening to the rules and had no interest in hearing them again. Spike had started on chopping up the onions and garlic when Twilight’s phone rang. She ran to the bathroom to answer. Spike did not ask questions. He never did.
“413 Salt Lick Lane. She lives alone in a house in the southern part of town.” Rainbow Dash’s voice came through the shitty flip phone speakers.
“Is she home?” was all that Twilight Sparkle had to say.
“Yeah, she’s home. When are you gonna do it?”
“Tonight.” She said, “as soon as it gets dark, I’ll do it.”
Dinner that night was pasta with a creamy avocado sauce, with salad and garlic bread on the side. It was pretty good. When it was over, Twilight slipped her revolver into her autumn jacket and stepped outside. She took a deep breath. She thought about her game plan. She’d take the back-roads to Salt Lick Lane, then teleport inside the house when it was in sight. The rest would be trivial. Minty was an earth pony. She wouldn’t have any tricks up her sleeve.
Unfortunately, she didn’t even get out of view of the library before Finger and two other pegasi crawled out of the shadows and asked her to accompany them on a nighttime walk.
“I hate to bother you this late at night, but there’s a problem at the lab. We’re gonna need you to come take a look.”
“Oh, sure, absolutely.” Twilight said, “Let me just check my schedule.” She attempted to withdraw her revolver with telekinesis, but the moment she flashed her horn, she was overcome with an unbearable nausea. Her vision went blurry, her head spun, and she felt queasy. But all only for a second. Her horn stopped flashing as quickly as it had started, and the world came back into focus as her revolver slid out of her pocket onto the wet grass. Her legs shook as she tried to process what had just happened.
“Oh, I’m sorry Twilight.” Said Finger, who removed a little necklace from his jacket pocket, “I should have mentioned. Derpy asked me to bring this to an associate of ours tomorrow morning, and I’ve been carrying it with me so I don’t forget. It’s called an earth amulet. It’s really quite a remarkable little trinket.” Finger raised it up so Twilight could get a better look. It was a silver chain necklace with a little bismuth crystal inside of an obsidian triangle, with an image of an earth pony’s head on top of the triangle, with a tiny diamond for an eye. “I wouldn’t recommend trying to use magic when you’re in its range. For your health.”
Twilight knew what an earth amulet was. She felt immensely lucky that her first instinct hadn’t been to teleport away. If telekinesis was enough to make her unbearably sick, teleportation would have undoubtedly killed her, and in a very ugly way. She didn’t feel lucky for long. Upon having more time to ponder her circumstances, she felt very unlucky. The three pegasi either did not notice or simply did not comment on the revolver on the ground. Although the former was possible given the darkness, Twilight suspected the latter. Either way, she had no way of picking it up without endangering herself, and it was getting further away as she followed them to her death. They stayed close to her. The two pegasi whom she didn’t recognize walked on her sides, a little behind her. Finger Flyer walked in front of her. There was no way to escape. Twilight felt her heart beat faster and faster, and her mouth get dryer, and her legs get weaker as they got closer to the laundromat. Although nopony said anything for most of the trip, Twilight eventually felt compelled to beg for her life.
“Please don’t do this. You don’t have to do this, Finger.” Said Twilight.
“Yeah, unfortunately I do.” The two of them had stopped pretending that this was just a regular nighttime stroll. “Keep walking, Twilight.”
“Listen, I’ll cook. I’ll cook for free. There won’t be any more problems. I’ll do anything. The cancer’s gonna kill me anyway, can’t you let me die with my friends? Please, just don’t do this.”
“Sorry, Twilight. I can’t help you.”
“Just let me talk to Derpy.” Twilight said, “If I can just talk to Derpy I can explain. Just let me talk to her PLEASE!”
“Keep walking.” Twilight’s mind raced a hundred kilometers a minute. Think think think think think! She had to do something. They were almost at the lab.
“I can give you Rainbow Dash!” she blurted out. That finally stopped Finger. “That’s right! She’s the problem! She’s always been the problem! You know she is! She’s the one you really want, not me! And I know where she is! She’s not in Appleloosa or wherever you’re looking for her, she’s here! Right here in Ponyville!”
“Where.” Said Finger, whom she had finally gotten to turn and look at her.
“Well I-“ Twilight thought frantically, “I can teleport you to her! If you just put away the amulet I-“
“No deal.” Said Finger.
“WAIT! I can call her! I’ll call her, and I’ll set up a meeting. I’ll ask her to come here and meet with me, okay?” Finger looked at the other two pegasi, then back at Twilight, and nodded. Twilight, bereft of telekinesis, reached her head into her jacket pocket, which the pegasi responded to by drawing their firearms.
“WAIT WAIT! I’M JUST GETTING MY PHONE!”
“I can get it.” Said Finger. “You stay right where you are.” Finger took out the flip phone and held it to Twilight’s head. She awkwardly typed in the number of Rainbow Dash’s prepaid cell phone with her muzzle. Twilight’s heart was beating so fast it was hard to hear the ringing of the phone. Please pick up please pick up please pick up, she thought. She picked up. Finger’s head was right up next to Twilight’s, so he could hear everything said on the phone. He lowered his guard when he heard Rainbow Dash’s voice. She hadn’t been lying.
“Did you do it?” said Rainbow Dash.
“No,” said Twilight, “I didn’t do it. I can’t, now. It’s gonna have to be you.”
“What? No way, dude. I-“
“Listen! You’re faster than they are. You have to do it now. They’re taking me to the laundromat and they’re going to kill me.” Finger ripped the phone away from Twilight after this sentence, and the last thing that Rainbow Dash heard on her end was Twilight screaming “DO IT RAINBOW DASH! DO IT NOW! PLEASE!” before the dial tone.
The three guns were once again pointed at Twilight, but this time, instead of fear, she was wearing a face of victorious pride.
“Just what the hell was that, exactly?” said Finger.
“413 Salt Lick Lane.” Twilight said, savoring every word. “Ring any bells?”
The pegasi were dead silent.
“That’s right.” She said. “You might wanna reconsider the execution. Your boss is gonna need me soon.”
Minty was removing her broccoli cheese casserole from the oven when she heard the doorbell ring.
“Just a minute!” Minty called out. She turned off the oven and placed the casserole on the counter to cool down. Derpy had chosen the perfect moment to arrive, she thought. She wasn’t expecting her, but she liked to make surprise visits. It was a shame that she was almost certainly here to deliver bad news, but bad news with casserole was better than bad news on an empty stomach. Minty heard her phone ring.
“I’m coming I’m coming!” She was impatient. It was bad news. Minty didn’t want to keep her unexpected visitor waiting any longer, so after she had double-checked that the oven was in fact off, she opened the door. Derpy wasn’t there. A rainbow pegasus stood in the doorway with a revolver in her mouth and tears in her eyes.
“Can I- Can I help you?” said Minty, in shock. Rainbow Dash said nothing.
“Take anything you want.” Said Minty, “I have money. I have… lots of money.” Rainbow Dash didn’t enter. She didn’t seem interested in money. She just stared into Minty’s eyes, tears running down her face. Minty knew what she was here for.
“Please.” Said Minty, quietly. “You don’t have to do this.”
Rainbow Dash pulled the trigger, and shot Minty straight through the mouth. Minty collapsed instantly, dying before she hit the ground, blood spilling out of her mouth onto the floor of the foyer.
Rainbow Dash walked out onto the lawn, not bothering to close the door, and waited for Derpy’s associates to arrive. She didn’t feel like flying away. She didn’t think she could.
When Derpy Hooves had hastily made her exit from the Cloudsdale Night Market Fundraiser, it was lightly drizzling. By the time she arrived at the laundromat, it was pouring. When she entered, she was soaking wet and absolutely apoplectic. She found no one in the main building, and made her way into the laboratory. Finger Flyer, along with two of her other employees, Star Hunter and Meadow Flower, were standing around the lab. In front of the desk, Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash were tied to office chairs. Rainbow Dash looked at the ground and lazily spun herself around in her chair. Twilight Sparkle looked Derpy right in the eye the moment she opened the door to the lab.
“Derpy!” she said. “I know you’re very upset, and I’m sorry, but you’ve gotta understand. You’ve got to see things from my perspective. You’re a reasonable pony. We both know that. You wouldn’t do anything crazy. You understand that I was just protecting myself. It was life or death! What choice did I have! Anypony would have done the same if they had been put in my position, it was nothing personal at all. You would have done the same.” Derpy said nothing as Twilight’s rambling continued. She descended the stairs slowly and walked towards a tool cabinet.
“Derpy, you’ve got to listen to me.” Twilight continued, talking quickly, “All I ever wanted- All WE ever wanted, was to cook. We’re both here, we can work, we can get back to work. PLEASE, just let us go back to work, we’re ready to go back to work.” Derpy opened a drawer and pulled out a box cutter. Twilight started talking faster when she saw Derpy walking towards her with the tool in her mouth.
“Derpy, think about this! Just think! Before you do something you regret! Without me, you have nothing! What will this lab be without a cook? Just a million-bit hole in the ground. You need me. You can’t kill me, or Rainbow Dash! Either of us! If you kill me, you have nothing! If you kill Rainbow Dash, you don’t have me.” Rainbow Dash stopped looking at the ground for the first time in an hour, and looked at Twilight.
“Twilight.” said Derpy, her voice muffled by the box cutter in her mouth. Twilight looked at her and tried not to cry.
“Yes?”
“Hold still.” Twilight closed her eyes tightly as Derpy pressed the box cutter to the base of her horn and began cutting.
Derpy carved into her horn, moving the box cutter back and forth for 15 excruciating minutes. The box cutter was dull, and it took a lot of force to to carve into Twilight’s horn. To make matters worse, Twilight kept involuntarily squirming around, which only caused her pain to worsen, as Derpy had poor coordination and dexterity to begin with, and every time Twilight flailed her head too much the box cutter would slip out of its little groove and stab her a little bit in the head. Eventually, Derpy finished her task, and Twilight’s horn fell onto the metal floor. She was crying hysterically, and she had screamed so much that she could barely use her throat. Her screams by that point were almost inaudible, she had damaged her own vocal chords so much. It was a very uneven cut, all jagged and fucked up, with her horn’s stump a little higher at the back than at the front. Large portions of her mane had gotten cut off in the process, and she was bleeding profusely from the forehead, which was filled with little cuts and knicks, some of which had gotten hairs in them, which matted with blood and stuck inside the wounds. Her face was covered in tears and dried snot. Rainbow Dash couldn’t bear to look. Even Finger seemed appalled.
Derpy Hooves picked up Twilight’s horn, walked back up the stairs, and left, without another word.
Chapter 7: Rice 'n Cigarettes
“Spelunking?” said Rarity.
“Spelunking.” Said Twilight Sparkle. “Some ponies call it caving. It’s when-“
“OOH OOH I KNOW WHAT IT IS!” said Pinkie Pie, “Spelunking is an extreme sport where somepony explores a wild cave system, and squeezes through little holes and shimmies through cracks and things like that. Maud likes to go spelunking!”
“Yes, that’s right.” Said Twilight. “And you know how Rainbow Dash is about extreme sports.” They all nodded their heads. She continued.
“Rainbow Dash read an article about it in Deadly Xtreme Monthly. I actually have the issue right here if you want to read it.” They all declined. Rainbow Dash smirked. Twilight Sparkle had insisted on writing, editing, and printing a fake article to shore up any gaps in the story, despite Rainbow Dash’s repeated insistence that they didn’t need to over-complicate things. Twilight was internally irked that nopony seemed interested in her fabricated evidence, but was too professional to break kayfabe and not continue the story.
“Yes, well. She got so excited that she left the same day to go exploring some caves, without remembering to tell anypony where she was going. She began with an expedition to the diamond mines, but they were too large and too bright; they weren’t challenging enough. So she flew out further from town, to explore the subterranean cave system under Everfree Forest. As she crawled through a crevice at the bottom of a limestone cliff, she disturbed the sediment above her, and was trapped under a pile of rubble. The crevice collapsed, with Rainbow Dash halfway inside.”
“How did she not suffocate?” asked Fluttershy.
“Well,” said Twilight, “she crawled in backwards, so her head was outside, and her hindquarters were trapped in rubble.”
“Why did she crawl in backwards?” asked Applejack.
“Well, uh…” Twilight stammered.
“There were wolves in the forest.” Rainbow Dash tagged in. “I didn’t want to turn my back on them. So I went in backwards.”
“Wolves?” said Fluttershy.
“And the point is,” Twilight Sparkle tried to retake the reins, “Rainbow Dash was trapped under rubble for weeks until I found her. The falling rocks broke her jaw and her ribs, and damaged her really badly, so she lacked the strength to escape.”
“What did she eat?” asked Applejack.
“Well, there were lots of edible grasses within chomping range.” Said Twilight, “and flowers and uh… little insects that sometimes crawled into her mouth.”
“Insects?” said Pinkie Pie.
“Yeah, a few insects.” Said Rainbow Dash, “but there was an apple tree right next to where I was trapped, so apples fell down a lot and I mostly ate those.”
“What about the wolves?” said Fluttershy, “how did you deal with them if your legs and wings were trapped under rubble?”
“I still had one hoof free. So whenever a wolf came near, I would bang my hoof against the rocks to make a loud noise to scare it off.”
“You did all of that for weeks?” Rarity gasped.
“Until I found her.” Said Twilight. “I was walking through the forest-“
“Why?” said Pinkie Pie.
“I guess I was uh…” Twilight thought, “foraging for truffles.”
“Truffles?”
“Yeah. For cooking.”
“They sell them at the market you know.” Said Fluttershy.
“Well the ones in the forest are better okay? Anyway, I was walking through the forest, foraging for truffles, when I heard the sound of a hoof banging against rocks. So I followed the sound to investigate.”
“Hopefully the wolf was gone by the time you arrived.” Said Rarity.
“Yeah, he was long gone. I didn’t see him. But I saw Rainbow Dash, trapped under the rubble! She explained to me what happened, and I lifted all the sediment with my magic and dragged her out! While I was dusting her off, the sediment shifted again after being disturbed by my telekinesis, and it started a rockslide! Rainbow Dash and I both began to run away, but it was getting harder and harder to keep holding up the rocks, as the pile increased in both size and mass as the rockslide continued pouring more rocks onto the pile. Eventually, my telekinetic abilities were stretched to their limit, and I couldn’t hold it up any longer, and while we were running away, the rocks all crashed onto the ground, and broken shards flew everywhere and-“
“And that’s when the wolf came back and bit off Twilight’s horn.” Said Rainbow Dash. Twilight would have given up her life savings to punch Rainbow Dash in the face right then and there.
“The wolf bit it off‽” said Pinkie Pie, “Then what happened? What happened to the wolf? And the rockslide?”
“We killed the wolf and outran the rockslide. Then we went home. That’s the end of the story.” Said Twilight, abruptly wrapping everything up now that the yarn had gone too off-script. She had low confidence in unplanned lies.
“That’s one helluva story.” Said Applejack, “I’m really sorry y’all had to go through all that. How are y’all feelin’?”
“Hungry.” Said Rainbow Dash, and she wasn’t lying. She hadn’t been eating insects and grass for the past few weeks, but she hadn’t had a meal in almost two days. After killing Minty, Rainbow Dash had felt sick to her stomach, and hadn’t even considered getting something to eat. By the time her hunger had become powerful enough to overpower her all-consuming suffocating guilt, it had been too late at night to go out, and all the food in her apartment had spoiled while she had been away. Luckily, Applejack’s family had prepared an enormous lunch for her and Twilight, and they had made it on short notice too. Rainbow Dash supped on spicy eggplant curry, toasted carrot sandwiches, and a salubrious garden vegetable soup, with fresh homemade bread, with lots of butter and cream. For dessert she tucked into a brown sugar apple almond tart. The feast was so sumptuous that it made Rainbow Dash stop feeling dead inside, if only for a brief instant.
Twilight did not answer the question regarding how she was “feelin’”. Truth be told, she was feelin’ like she had pissed away everything that had ever been important to her, like she had lost the only thing in the world that made her special. She was feelin’ like there was nothing in her entire life that mattered apart from taking her lost horn and shoving it up Derpy Hooves’ rectum until it ruptured her organs and she died of internal bleeding. She was feelin’ bad.
Twilight received a lot of sympathy that day. She hated sympathy. It made any misfortune all the more bitter, because not only had her body been hurt, but her soul had been too. It seemed that every tragedy that befell her also befell her reputation, made her seem weaker in the eyes of her friends. Twilight was not weak. How could anypony who did what she did be weak? A weak pony would have died in that lab, a weak pony would have rolled over and been replaced. Twilight knew that her week, her month, was going to be nothing but letters and visits from concerned friends. She’d have to explain the same bullshit story to everypony she bumped into. Worst of all, her parents were definitely going to show up to cry over poor defenseless little Twilight. Celestia was probably going to offer her some pity-post in the royal bureaucracy that didn’t require magic, or maybe just ask her to continue studying friendship as if nothing had happened, since friendship was the real magic after all. If only they could know, if only they knew what Glitter was capable of, they wouldn’t dare to condescend to her like that. Derpy had crippled her. She had taken away not just her magic, but her very respect. Twilight swore a vow to herself that she would reclaim her respect, and take bloody vengeance. She would not die a crippled weakling.
Much much later in her life, Rainbow Dash would hear a song that went like this:
Been working way too much, need to get out and get fucked up
What’s going on? Where’s it at?
Make some calls to make it crack, let’s see
I got money, drugs, a ride, and a spot with hot ones inside
The mission: to get all of the above in the limited amount of time I can do this and it’s done
Like that we’re on our way
Be it acid on the tongue, cocaine in your brain, or some weed that hits your lungs like a runaway train
Hell yeah, from DMT to MDMA
Got all that shit and more so till dawn we’re okay
It was a shame that she hadn’t heard the song earlier, because she would have loved it. Sadly, ponies don’t have a lot of songs about doing a shit ton of drugs. The idioms of the historical pony musical canon simply didn’t feature such subject matter in their lyrics, if they had lyrics at all. I personally have no doubt that the rather obscure genre of pony hip hop would have had a much larger impact had its lyrics featured drugs, crime, and sex more prominently, and dry recounts of historical events less prominently. Because of this, when Rainbow Dash invited every stony pony in Ponyville to her apartment one Friday afternoon, the evening was not scored by any music.
Rainbow Dash had spent the last six weeks in a cabin in the forest, eating ramen noodles, tossing and turning in bed, and reading the same books over and over again, without anything at all to smoke or drink. Now she was re-entering her life, and she was desperate to hide from reality, and to deter the nightmares that had plagued her since that awful night. Luckily, she had the money to buy both. She’d bought a lot of stuff for the party: LSD, molly, cocaine, and xanax, but that was just for the guests. For herself, Rainbow Dash had but three vices: marijuana at night for the nightmares, tobacco in the daytime to keep herself alert, and alcohol all day every day to make her forget.
The days since her return to society had gone thusly: In the morning, she forced herself out of bed, had a cigarette and coffee for breakfast, put a snack cake and a plastic bag full of tortillas into a brown bag for lunch, and flew to work. After work, she would turn down offers from her friends to hang out, then she would go home, order a pizza, drink, smoke enough weed to forget where her teeth were, and latibulate until it was time to drift into a dreamless sleep. (AN: I have spent a good deal of time trying to figure out where the word “latibulate” is actually attested to in any extant work of English. I don’t think it is. It’s listed in the Oxford English Dictionary, but it’s described as “obsolete”, “rare”, and “apparently only attested in dictionaries and glossaries”. Despite its lack of use, it’s not nonsense, as its formed in a regular way from a Latin stem, in the same manner as thousands of other English words, so I’m going to consider it a real word. In case you’re wondering what it means, it means to hide in a corner. It’s actually related to the word “latent”, with similar semantic connotations of hiding.) In this way, she quite effectively staved off the nightmares, such that they could only ever attempt to invade her mind during the daytime, when she had no choice but to stay sober enough for the mentally intensive work of methamphetamine production. During such times, Rainbow Dash tried to focus on the job, or make idle chat with Twilight Sparkle. Now that it was Friday, and there would be no more work ahead of her, Rainbow Dash didn’t plan to make even passing contact with sobriety over the next few days. Hence, the party. Three days of loud noises, meaningless conversation, alcohol, cannabis, and various other sybaritic distractions, all funded by Auntie Dot Dot’s fictitious coffers.
Rainbow Dash went to such great pains because it was the only way to banish Minty from her mind’s eye. She kept reliving the moment in her nightmares, it kept replaying in the back of her mind. She felt compelled to do away with these visions, because she didn’t feel strong enough to face them. She couldn’t do such a thing while she worked Minty’s job, wore Minty’s hazmat suit, and spent her life in the laboratory that Minty built. It was all very painful.
“Well?” said Applejack.
“Yep?” said Big Macintosh.
“Aren’t you going to say it?”
“Say what?”
“Aren’t you going to admit that I was right?” Big Mac sighed.
“Yep…”
“Say it.” Said Applejack, grinning. Bic Mac sighed harder.
“You were right about Glitter.”
“Damn straight.” Said Applejack, beaming with pride, and poring through the papers on her desk with great gusto, “I knew that Suri wasn’t Glitter! I knew it! I was right and everypony else was wrong. This proves it! Big Macintosh, bring in Agent Sweetie Drops.”
“Yep.”
Applejack was so invested in the notebook on her desk that Agent Sweetie Drops had to call her name twice before she remembered that she had asked for her less than 100 seconds ago.
“You wanted to see me ma’am?” she said.
“Yes!” said Applejack, “take a gander at this!” Applejack showed her the open notebook. Sweetie Drops peered at it.
“It looks to be some diagrams. What is it?”
“Remember the mare who got shot a little while back? Minty?”
“Of course.”
“Well, PPD was investigating it, and they found this in her house.” Applejack closed the notebook and showed Sweetie Drops the cover. It was decorated with colorful stickers, and said ‘LAB NOTES’ in all caps written on the front in light green marker. “Minty had no criminal history, and a mighty fancy degree from UC, but it turns out she’s been a meth cook for nearin’ on ten years now. Although I should say a meth chef. I’m talkin’ five stars and white tablecloth. She’s no ordinary- pardon me, she was no ordinary chemist. She was a genius. She took extensive notes, writin’ about every little step o’ her process. These things’re fulla data. What the lab looks like, how the cook goes, how much they make. And it’s plain as day that the meth she’s makin’, is the same pink meth we’ve been findin’ all ‘round Equestria.”
“You think Minty was Glitter?”
“She was Glitter’s assistant.” Said Applejack, “She didn’t just keep notes. She kept a whole diary. Minty designed the lab, and Glitter was brought on board later, but Minty was absolutely in an assistant role, not the head cook.”
“Did she mention Glitter’s real name?”
“She was too bright for that, sad to say. She doesn’t use names and addresses, just code names. But the two were on close terms if her notes are to be believed.” Applejack giggled with girlish glee, “I told all o’ y’all that Suri wasn’t Glitter. She wasn’t from the town where the pink meth first appeared, she had no experience in chemistry, and she had no connections to anypony in the drug trade! The only evidence the PPD had to declare her Glitter was that plastic poke they found in her… nether regions. I sent request after request to Canterlot to reopen the investigation, tellin’ ‘em the pink stuff was still showin’ up, and they told me I was crazy. So did most of y’all! Even after Glitter’s signature product started poppin’ up all over Equestria, in cities that had never seen it before, y’all said they were just copyin’ Suri. But I knew I was right! And who sends me the proof? PPD themselves. Why, it’s so sweet I could just cry. Months of dead ends and no evidence, and the motherload falls right into our hooves. Finally we can get this investigation goin’ again!”
“I owe you an apology ma’am.” Said Sweetie Drops, “Do you have any leads on where to start the investigation?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.”
“You look like shit.” Said Twilight.
“Good morning to you too, bitch.” Said Rainbow Dash, putting on her safety goggles.
“I’m serious. What the hell were you doing all weekend? You didn’t pick up your phone once.”
“Well you could’ve just stopped by my apartment.”
“No I couldn’t!” Twilight suddenly went from nagging to legitimately upset, “Your cloudominium is in the sky! I can’t get there without magic! Listen,” Twilight Sparkle leaned in to whisper, before realizing it would be less suspicious to just talk at a normal volume, “we should catch up. We should have dinner, today. Just the two of us.”
“Can’t. I have plans today.”
“Getting high, masturbating, and eating cookies does not constitute plans in my book.”
“Well maybe you should read different books.”
“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight looked at the surveillance camera out of the corner of her eye, “I really think we should have dinner today. Just to, you know, chat.”
“Sorry, can’t make it.”
Twilight dropped it after that for the rest of the cook, and the only conversation between the two ponies for the rest of the day was either about the cook itself, or about Fluttershy’s new pitbull, which had gotten into a fight with Angel that had escalated into an interspecies gang war that threatened to break the uneasy peace between puppies and bunnies that had existed in Fluttershy’s backyard for nearly a decade. It was quite a top-of-mind issue among Fluttershy’s close friends.
After work, Twilight took care to leave side-by-side with Rainbow Dash. When they left the laundromat and Rainbow Dash took off into the air, Twilight yelled after her.
“RAINBOW DASH GET YOUR ASS BACK DOWN HERE!” Rainbow Dash was tempted to abjure, but decided to relent, and dutifully came back down to the ground.
“What?”
“Where the hell are you going?”
“Home? I told you I have plans.”
“I thought you just didn’t want to arouse suspicion in front of the camera. You’re actually not gonna talk with me outside of work? Rainbow Dash, I thought this was obvious, but when I told you I wanted to talk with you, it was to discuss something important and secretive in private.”
“Yeah well I assumed you just wanted to talk to me about killing somepony again.”
Twilight fidgeted awkwardly.
“I KNEW IT!” said Rainbow Dash, “It was about murder! It always is!” Rainbow Dash turned to leave but Twilight ran in front of her.
“Wait!” she said, “I know this isn’t an easy time for you. It’s not an easy time for either of us. Recent… events have left us exhausted, scared, maybe even guilty. I know how you feel. I feel it too. But we can’t just give up, we can’t just run away. Not now.”
“Why not?” said Rainbow Dash, “Why the hell can’t we? Why shouldn’t we? We won, Twilight. It’s over.”
“No, no it’s not. We haven’t won until Derpy dies. It’s not over until then.”
“I’ve had this conversation with you too many times, Twilight. It’s always one last murder. How many more times does this need to happen? How many more ponies need to die before you’re ready to give up? You know, there was a time not too long ago when we never murdered anypony! We solved our problems with compassion and understanding. How well has it been going for us since we gave that up?”
“Compassion and understanding? Are you fucking with me right now?” said Twilight. “Compassion and understanding? Whom the fuck am I talking to right now? Her dealers killed that little filly! Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten about that. Where the hell was Derpy’s compassion for her? Or for you for that matter! Or for me! I nearly died bailing you out. Where the hell was her ‘understanding’ huh? There’s no compassion with ponies like this. She tried to kill us! She cut my fucking horn off! Everything is fair game as far I’m concerned. She needs to pay for what she did. It’s too late for friendship. It’s either her comeuppance, or her revenge. What’s it gonna be?” Rainbow Dash felt a pain deep in her stomach. She felt overwhelmed with anxiety and guilt, and she wasn’t quite certain what they were over. The only thing she knew for sure was that she felt utterly unable to argue with Twilight. Maybe Twilight’s argument was unassailable, maybe Rainbow Dash was just too weak to rebut it, Rainbow Dash didn’t know. She just knew that she could not argue with her.
“Okay, fine. I get it. We’ll do it. What’s the plan?”
“We can’t just shoot her.” Said Twilight, “she has too many allies. It has to look like an accident. Which is why…” Twilight removed a familiar white plastic baggie from her lunchbox.
“You still have that‽” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, horrified.
“I thought it might come in handy again. I didn’t want to cook another batch. Especially now that my lab is under 24/7 surveillance by the same pony I’m trying to kill.”
“That didn’t exactly work out great for us last time, you know.”
“A bad outcome doesn’t necessarily mean a bad plan!” said Twilight, “The circumstances here are not the same as last time. It hadn’t been my plan initially to poison Sunset at a big gathering, we were just forced into that plan. And as we both know, the circumstances led to it going awry, and thank Celestia that at the end of the day nopony was… mortally wounded at least. Poison is usually a very effective way of killing somepony. We slip some of this into one of her muffins, or into her hayburgers, or whatever the hell she eats, and she dies a few days later of what will appear to be natural causes. Nopony will find it suspicious. She’s not exactly the picture of health.” Rainbow Dash, trying to calm her nerves, lit up a cigarette.
“When she came by on Saturday, she had a glass of water. I don’t remember her checking it or anything. I guess the-“
“You’ve seen her‽” Twilight interrupted.
“Yeah? She comes by to deliver my salary. I thought she did the same for you.”
“Not anymore she doesn’t. She doesn’t even deliver mail to my house anymore, the post office has another mailmare doing it, I don’t even know what she told them to make that happen. Finger delivered my money. I haven’t seen Derpy a single time since… you know, that day. Finger told me, and I’m quoting him verbatim here: ‘you’re never gonna see her again’ when I asked him about it. I can’t believe she’s still in contact with you.”
“She was pretty polite. She was actually kind of apologetic. She’s very obviously trying to bury the hatchet, so to speak.”
“Oh, so that’s what all that bullshit was about.” Said Twilight, “Oh no Twily, we can’t kill little Derpy Hooves! She’s my bestest friend! Come on Rainbow Dash, I know you’re smarter than that. After everything that happened you can’t possibly be stupid enough to think-“
“I’m not, I’m not, I’m not.” Rainbow Dash reassured her. “I’m on your side. I’m always on your side. You know that I wouldn’t turn my back on you. Give me the ricin. I have an idea.” Rainbow Dash removed one of the cigarettes from her pack and unrolled it, shaking out all the tobacco. Then she carefully opened up the bag and poured the ricin into the cigarette and rolled it up.
“There. Now I can hide it on me at all times.”
“What about when you finish a pack?”
“I’ll move that one to the new pack. It’ll be my lucky cigarette.”
“Hey, look at you!” said Twilight, “that’s pretty clever! I wouldn’t have even thought of that!”
“Thanks.”
“The next time you see her, be on the lookout. It could be a drink, it could be a food, it could be whatever. Just make sure nopony sees you.” Rainbow Dash nodded, and put away the pack. Twilight smiled at her.
“This is the last one. I promise you. After this we can sleep easy. Just one more.”
Applejack had never liked public speaking. When she was a filly, she always hated presentation days, and if it was a group project, she would always get her teammates to do the presenting part, and she would do the rest of the work. To make matters worse, there were two factors that made the present moment even more challenging. For one, she was presenting in front of over a dozen important ponies, including the Ponyville Chief of Police, the head of the Equestria Department of Justice, and Princess Celestia herself. For two, she had slept for only four of the last 48 hours. It was stressful, but Applejack knew she had to project confidence in her assertions, or the powers that be would never greenlight her investigation. She spoke in a much more formal tone than she was used to.
“Pony of Interest 1: Minty. No last name. Several weeks ago, Minty was shot dead in the foyer of her home on Salt Lick Lane. All evidence indicates that there was no struggle. Her doorbell rang. She turned off her oven. She answered the door. She was shot once in the mouth by a revolver, and then she just up and tumped over. The gunshot happened at 11:51 PM. No neighbors came to investigate, but two of them called the police right after it happened. When the police arrived, at around 12:15, the door was still open, and there was nopony present at the scene of the crime. Shortly afterwards, a thorough search of her house was conducted, along with an autopsy. The search revealed that Minty was involved in the mass production of extremely high-grade methamphetamine. Her lab notes describe a complex subterranean meth lab somewhere in Ponyville. She had been involved in this meth ring indirectly for multiple years, and had for the past two months or so been intermittently workin' as an assistant to an unnamed cook. This cook, as well as Minty, were responsible for the mass production of pink methamphetamine, sometimes colloquially called ‘quartz’. The evidence leaves little doubt that Glitter is still alive, and that Minty was workin' with her.” The room murmured. Applejack continued.
“The motives for Minty’s murder were unknown, except that we can be fairly certain it was a drug-related homicide. No evidence from the perpetrator was left at the scene of the crime, but PPD did collect this unusual piece of evidence just hours later.” Applejack held up a plastic evidence bag with a revolver inside. “This revolver was found outside the Ponyville Library the same night as Minty’s murder. It’s the same make and model as the revolver used to kill Minty, but it was fully loaded, found far away from the crime scene, has no hoof or tooth prints on it, and accordin' to forensics, it has never been fired. Because of this, we do not believe this to be the murder weapon, which we consider to still be missing, but it is worth consideration.” Applejack took a sip of water. She had never talked this long before. But she was just getting started.
“Minty had a burner phone that was found inside of an air vent in her bedroom. Two numbers were saved on it. One was labelled ‘Libra’. The other ‘Derpy Hooves’.” The room laughed, but Applejack didn’t. “Libra refers to a lawyer who lives in Ponyville. The number was her public business number. Libra confirmed that she was Minty’s lawyer, but did not consent to answer any further questions. Derpy Hooves was an unknown number. We called it several times and received no response. It went to an untraceable burner phone. Derpy Hooves is the name of a mailmare who lives in Ponyville. I’ve never spoken to her before, but I already knew who she was. Her name being on Minty’s phone was a big surprise, and so we asked her neighbors, and sure enough, more than one eyewitness confirmed that they had seen Derpy visit Minty’s house multiple times in the past month. In addition, Derpy’s hoofprints were found in Minty’s house, confirming that-”
“Where are you going with this, Applejack?” asked Powdered Wig, the head of the Equestria Department of Justice.
“I want to open up a full investigation into Derpy Hooves.” Dead silence.
“What, are you kidding?”
“No I’m not. I think she’s involved in this somehow, and I want to find out how. She’s the only lead we’ve got.”
“Listen,” said Porky, the head of the Ponyville Police Department, “I’ve met Derpy Hooves before. I don’t think she could cook an omelette, much less meth. She doesn’t look like-”
“Looks can be deceiving.” Said Applejack, interrupting him prematurely, “We can’t know for sure until we conduct a proper and thorough investigation into her.”
“She was on the list.” Said Celestia. Everypony turned to look at her. She hadn’t said anything all day.
“That’s right!” said Applejack. “Derpy Hooves was on the list of suspects! She was at the party with Sunset Shimmer! Her house was one of only three that was never searched, because she was at the end of the list. That alone makes her a high-priority suspect.”
“I agree.” Said Celestia, “your investigation is greenlit. I grant you the right, and whatever materials may be necessary, to conduct an investigation into Derpy Hooves’ involvement with the pink methamphetamine trade in Equestria.”
Most ponies in Cloudsdale assumed that Donny Lottery was so rich because he won the lottery. Some other ponies assumed, more intelligently but equally misinformedly, that he was so rich because his father won the lottery. This was false, but it was a reasonable thing to believe because his father was named Won The Lottery. His father in turn was a gambler, who did not have Lottery as a surname, but believed very strongly in the power of names as destiny, which is actually a pretty reasonable thing for somepony to believe in Equestria, due to the astonishingly high amount of empirical evidence backing it up. Nevertheless, despite having a lottery ticket for a cutie mark, Won The Lottery never won the lottery, even though he bought two tickets a day from the day he earned his cutie mark to the day he died 50 years later. This dirth in fortune led to Mr. Lottery becoming an extremely ornery and constantly frustrated, albeit tenacious, pegasus. He took out his frustrations on his son, Donny Lottery, in the same way that all angry gambling fathers do, by beating him bloody every day at 7:15 pm sharp. Attempts to avoid these beatings invariably resulted in more beatings, which were equally severe but less consistently scheduled. Donny’s mother was a morphine addict who died when Donny was just a little kid, so she wasn’t much of a relief to the poor little colt.
Nopony can be entirely certain, but this upbringing is probably why Donny Lottery became a violent drug kingpin. It also probably had a part in why he went to so much trouble to earn the vicious reputation that was currently causing Cake Pop to quake in his hooves.
Cake Pop was more nervous than he had expected to be. His plan had been a rather audacious one from step one, but Cake Pop usually handled high-risk high-reward situations with a lot more composure. However, sitting in one of Donny Lottery’s dining rooms, he felt his nerves getting the better of him.
Sitting at the table were five pegasi: Cake Pop, his girlfriend Muffins, Donny Lottery, and two of Donny Lottery’s dealers, a mare named Honeydew and a stallion named Disco. Standing at the back of the room (even though there were plenty of empty seats at the table) was Donny Lottery’s number 2, a silver unicorn named Silver Shimmer. The Shimmer family had served as Donny Lottery’s most crucial allies since Donny Lottery sold his first gram of crack. The Shimmers were the only non-pegasi allowed in Donny Lottery’s crew. They were able to walk on the clouds of Cloudsdale due to their prodigious magical prowess. Silver was their matriarch. Cake Pop had never seen her face-to-face before, and was kind of freaking out. Her reputation preceded her. There were a lot of stories about her. None of them were pleasant.
“I want to thank you again, Donny Lottery, for permitting us to have this meeting. We are extremely grateful that you have given us this opportunity to propose what we believe will be a very, very fruitful business arrangement, for everypony.” Cake Pop spoke with as much sycophantic politeness as he could manage.
“Us, we?” said Donny Lottery, “I know who you are. You’re the cook what brought in new shit from Canterlot. Who’s this? I never seen her in my life.”
“That’s my girlfriend, Muffins.” Said Cake Pop. Muffins nodded politely, but did not speak up. “She’s the brains behind the idea. She’s a businesspony. She moves what I cook. She put me through college. She’s, the most important pony in my life.” Muffins smiled.
“Well, isn’t that sweet.” Said Donny Lottery, “She’s the idea guy? She came up with the plan and you cooked the mathematics… magic missile… what’s that shit called again?”
“Methamphetamine.” Said Cake Pop, “It’s a new drug. It’s completely artificial, requiring only chemicals to produce. It can be made anywhere. You wouldn’t have to rely on earth-pony producers like you would for plant-based drugs. It can be manufactured right here in Cloudsdale.”
“I’m well aware of that.” Said Donny Lottery, “My guys keep sending me the shit you sold ‘em. They say you made it in your basement.”
“Well we didn’t sell them anything.” Said Muffins, “We just gave them samples. We haven’t been selling methamphetamine in Cloudsdale.”
There was a brief moment of silence. Then Donny Lottery burst out laughing.
“HAHAHAHAHA! HOLY SHIT! Did y’all hear that? Is that your actual voice? Holy fuck I was not expecting that. I thought it was just your eyes that were fucked up. Did you smoke too much rock and get brain damage or something? But whatever, whatever. I’m getting off-topic. My point is, I’ve heard about meth from my buddies in Appleloosa. It’s a pretty hot condominium over there.”
“That’s right,” said Cake Pop, trying very desperately both to ignore the comments about his girlfriend, and also to not correct him on his pronunciation of ‘hot commodity’. “It originated in Appleloosa. It’s spread like wildfire. It’s extremely popular. There are dealers in Appleloosa who are making millions. It’s a cash cow. It’s the new thing.”
“It’s an earth pony drug.” Said Donny. “It’s for toothless hillbilly mud ponies who can’t afford cocaine. Just because it sells down there doesn’t mean it will sell up here. Pegasi have higher standards.”
“Donny Lottery, if I may. I’m a professional chemist. I studied at the University of Canterlot. The methamphetamine that we produce is of a much higher grade than what you’ll find in Appleloosa. It’s purer, clearer. It’s much more potent. This isn’t just a drug for… rural ponies. It’s stronger, more addictive than cocaine. It’s the drug of the future. In ten years, every gang will be selling it.”
“Sounds good. Sounds good. I got another question though.” Donny Lottery’s eyes moved towards Muffins, “if you cook the product, what do I need her for?”
“Sir?” said Cake Pop.
“You’re the cook. You know things. But why would I do business with her? Why would I want to do business with somepony who doesn’t respect me? Who disrespects my authority in Cloudsdale by selling drugs in my city without permission?”
“We’re sorry if we offended you, sir.” Said Muffins. “We never sold anything. We just wanted to prove to you the quality of our product. We never intended to insult you.” Donny Lottery laughed uproariously for the second time.
“God damn, where did you find this pony? You wanted to undermine my authority, piss me off, trick me into making this little meeting, and then ask me to hire you and your girlfriend over my trusted subordinators? Was that your actual plan? Listen, I see why I’d want you . Without you there’s nopony to teach us to cook. But who the fuck is she? Some down syndrome whore you ate out so she’d pay for your fancy degree? I have businessponies already. What’s stopping me from blowing your little retard girlfriend’s brains out all over the walls?”
“What the fuck did you just say?” said Cake Pop.
Dead fucking silence.
“You heard me.” Donny Lottery said slowly and quietly.
“I think you should take that back.” Said Cake Pop, unwisely.
“Oh, you do?” said Donny Lottery, “or what?”
“Cake Pop…” Muffins tried to rein him in, but he interrupted her.
“No. No. How dare you say that about her. If you knew Muffins like I knew Muffins, you wouldn’t fucking dream of talking about her like that. Muffins is the smartest, kindest, most honorable pony I know. Without her, you don’t have me.”
Donny Lottery pondered in silence for a moment. Muffins was paralyzed with fear. Cake Pop never broke eye contact with Donny Lottery. Finally, Donny Lottery turned and looked at Silver Shimmer.
“Silver?” he said, nodding slightly at her.
Silver immediately galloped up, leapt over the table and drove her horn straight up through Cake Pop’s chin and through his brain, bursting out of the top of his head covered in bits of gore. Muffins screamed in abject horror, and tried to bolt out of the room, but Silver dragged her telekinetically and slammed her on top of the table, knocking all of the wine glasses onto the floor and shattering them. Muffins desperately struggled but was unable to move a muscle. Silver pushed Cake Pop’s head off her horn and pushed his corpse down to the ground, blood pouring out of his head at an astonishing rate. All Muffins could do was scream. Then Donny Lottery stuck his hoof in her mouth, and she couldn’t even do that.
“Listen very closely,” he said, pushing down on her tongue, “The only reason that he’s dead and you’re still alive, is that you are not a threat. Not to me, not to anypony. You don’t belong in this business. I don’t really feel like killing a retard today. But you’ve lost your Cloudsdale privileges. You don’t sell in Cloudsdale. You don’t cook in Cloudsdale. You don’t live in Cloudsdale. You leave tonight. Doesn’t matter where.” He lifted his hoof out of her mouth. “Do you understand?” Muffins nodded. Silver pushed her off the table and loosened her psychic grip. Muffins fell onto Cake Pop’s dead body. Shaking silently, Muffins rose to her feet and left the building. Nopony who knew Muffins ever saw her again.
FIFTEEN YEARS LATER
Ding ding ding.
Rainbow Dash wondered why anypony would have a literal bell for a doorbell. She felt rather ridiculous tinging her hoof gently against the polished silver bell on a rope outside Derpy Hooves’ door.
“COMING!” said Derpy. Rainbow Dash heard hooves clomping rushedly towards the door. She held her gift tightly against her left leg, holding it in place with her wing. Then the door swung open outwards and hit her in the face, causing her to yelp and leap back, dropping her gift onto the ground behind her. Her gift, a very expensive bottle of wine, smashed against the concrete sidewalk and broke.
“Oh fuck!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed out loud.
“What happened?” said Derpy Hooves, looking out at her very shook newly arrived guest from the foyer.
“My bottle broke.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Said Derpy Hooves, “This door opens outwards. My house is pre-code. It’s older than I am. Sorry about your bottle. I’m sure I can replace it.”
“No, it wasn’t for me, it was a gift for you!” said Rainbow Dash. Derpy laughed.
“Then there’s nothing to worry about. You don’t need a gift. I invited you over here to discuss business. Sorry if you thought this was a party. I didn’t bake a cake.” Rainbow Dash finally walked in, since Derpy had been gesturing for her to do so for a long time.
“I know, but, that bottle of wine was really important.” She said.
“Why?”
Because it was poisoned.
“Because it was very expensive.”
“Well, expensive wine is just as good as cheap to me, considering I don’t drink. It would have just sat in my cellar gathering dust. Don’t worry about it. I’ve lost more valuable things before.”
That’s a cryptic thing to say, thought Rainbow Dash, but she thought better than to say it aloud. Her next thought concerned what Twilight would say if Derpy Hooves went to bed tonight still unpoisoned. It was just her fucking luck that she worked for the one drug kingpin who didn’t even drink. Alcoholics are so easy to poison.
As Derpy rushed to the kitchen to turn the heat down on her boiling over pot of soup, Rainbow Dash looked around for opportunity. She was surprised by the quaint suburbanism of Derpy’s house. It was filled with a lot of white and light brown, and it wasn’t very cluttered. It looked very minimalist. She had a few potted plants, and a big landscape painting in the living room, but no photos. No mirrors either. The house seemed very empty, very lonely.
Rainbow Dash eventually stopped looking around the living room and entered the kitchen. It was a huge mess. Ingredients were strewn about everywhere. It smelled fantastic. Dinner was minestrone soup with garlic bread. Some of the soup had spilt onto the floor while Derpy Hooves was answering the door.
Derpy Hooves turned off the heat and started grabbing some bowls and silverware from her drawers.
“Can you bring that soup over to the table?” she said. Rainbow Dash obliged. Given Derpy’s poor ungulous dexterity, Rainbow Dash could see why she’d prefer somepony else to carry the big pot of boiling liquid into the other room. Rainbow Dash-what, what is it. What are you blathering about this time, I’m telling a story. What? You don’t know what ungulous means? Come on, it’s in the dictionary. And even if you’ve never heard it, its meaning should nevertheless be quite clear. It’s from latin “ungula”, meaning hoof. Her hoofular dexterity. She can’t have poor manual dexterity because she doesn’t have manus. She has ungulas. Anyway, out of sympathy for Derpy’s poor ungulous dexterity, Rainbow Dash carried the pot to the table, and placed it on this little foam circle with a flower pattern on it that clearly served the exact purpose of quartering big pots of hot liquid, so that one didn’t need to make return trips to the kitchen to fill up their bowl and risk feeding yet more soup to the floor and yet less to the guest. Derpy Hooves was still preoccupied with obtaining the necessary tools of dining, and so Rainbow Dash had about five seconds to decide whether or not to yank out her ricin cigarette and poison this pot. She decided against it, because it would mean she would have to abstain from dinner, and she was hungry as hell, and didn’t trust herself enough to come up with a sufficiently unsuspicious excuse.
Rainbow Dash sat down, then stood up to help Derpy set the table, which turned out to be a waste of time, because there were only two bowls, two spoons, and two glasses. The table already housed a pre-placed clear plastic pitcher of ice water. Rainbow Dash wondered silently who the hell would serve water out of a pitcher at the table rather than just filling up a glass in the sink or in those little water dispensers that refrigerators have, whatever those are called (not even I know). Whatever the reason for it (probably something close to the reason for the single pot), it was extremely inconvenient to Derpy’s would-be assassin. Maybe it was all intentional. Nopony could poison Derpy without poisoning themselves.
Oh, unless Rainbow Dash had poured the ricin into Derpy’s empty cup, and then poured water from the pitcher into both their cups, dissolving the ricin into Derpy’s. That would have worked for sure. Fuck. If she had had more than five seconds she probably would have come up with that.
Rainbow Dash was kicking herself over that internally while Derpy ladled each of them some soup. Rainbow Dash poured the non-deadly water.
“I suppose now I should get into why you’re here.” Said Derpy. Rainbow Dash blinked. It hadn’t even occurred to her what the actual meeting was about.
“I normally keep my producers somewhat in the dark about what goes on on the distribution side, and vice versa, but a rather delicate situation has arisen, and I need your help with a business matter.”
“A business matter?”
“I need you to teach some ponies how to cook Twilight’s formula.”
Derpy waited a beat for Rainbow Dash to respond.
“How fucking stupid do you think I am?” she said.
“What?”
“You want to replace her. Just like you were going to replace her with Minty. You want to invite me over to your home, butter me up with… soup, and.. and water, and hope that I’ll just forget everything that happened! That I’ll throw away my loyalty to Twilight for you! Fuck off. You won’t win me over. I know what the stakes are. If you kill Twilight, you’ll have to kill me too.”
Derpy waited for a moment for Rainbow Dash’s confident expression to fall, and for her to realize exactly what she had just done, but it didn’t happen. Rainbow Dash didn’t break eye contact. If anything, she grew braver, appearing to Derpy Hooves as a wingéd Ernő Nemecsek, a plucky young schoolboy standing up to his Austrian-coded bullies, in an act of loyalty that was probably a metaphor for Hungarian nationalism. Upon realizing the severity of Rainbow Dash’s resolve, Derpy laughed.
“I’m sorry. It was my fault for not being clear.” Derpy said, and she was surprisingly enough not lying. “I have no desire to replace Twilight, not with you nor with anypony else. That battle has already been fought, and you should be proud to hear that she won. Were I training her replacement, or yours for that matter, I would employ firstly a bit more subtlety, and secondly a lot more effort.” Derpy laughed again. “I don’t need more cooks, somepony else does. Somepony who unfortunately is not subordinate to me, and is therefore in a position to demand concessions. For years this thing of ours and that thing of theirs have maintained an arrangement, a peaceful equilibrium. That equilibrium has been growing less stable recently, an instability directly correlational to our financial success. After a lot of tense meetings, and more than a few murders, we’ve nearly settled on a deal. But they want our formula.”
“You want me to train our competition?”
“You don’t have any competition, Rainbow Dash. Not as far as I’m concerned. They only sell in Cloudsdale, and we only sell on the ground.”
“Ah…” said Rainbow Dash, immediately understanding the implications, “That’s why you wanted me instead of Twilight. Because I’m a pegasus.”
“I hope it doesn’t make Twilight any more upset at me than she already is, but I’m sure both of you understand that the average drug gang is not as… tolerant as ours.” What she meant by that was that most gangs are really fucking racist. It would not be a wise idea, or even a feasible idea, to bring a unicorn or an earth pony to a room full of elderly pegasi criminals. The fact that Twilight wouldn’t even be able to walk on most of the city without a flight spell (from another pony, since she lost her own ability to do magic) was just the nail in the coffin.
“How long would it take?” asked Rainbow Dash, suddenly more interested in the fine details now that it was clear that nopony’s head was on the line, and also pondering the assassination potentials of such a trip. Derpy attends a meeting of her worst enemies, dies of mysterious causes a few days later, nopony would ever suspect the cook.
“One cook.” Said Derpy.
“That’s how long it would take.”
“Oh.” Said Rainbow Dash, who had gotten distracted by thoughts of murder, and had forgotten the question she had asked. “Yeah, I could do that.”
“One big pitcher?”
“One big pitcher.”
“Why didn’t you just put the ricin into her empty cup and then pour water from the pitcher into both cups?”
“I did think of that!” said Rainbow Dash, “but a little bit too late. She had already sat down when it occurred to me.”
“Well then you should have poisoned her food or drink while she was in the restroom!”
“She didn’t go to the restroom! Don’t you think I would have told you if she’d gone to the restroom? Why would she have gone to the restroom, and then I didn’t poison her? Obviously if she’s not poisoned, she didn’t give me a chance to poison her.”
“That’s only one of two possible explanations.” Explained Twilight, “the other being that you’re just a fucking moron who can’t put the world’s most undetectable poison into the world’s most unaware pony!”
“Fuck off.” Said Rainbow Dash, “Killing is not as easy as complaining.”
“Well you certainly have a lot of experience to back up that assertion.”
“I’ll get her next time, alright?”
“You’ll- Next time? What the fuck do you mean? When the hell are you going to see her again? Brunch?”
“Umm…” Rainbow Dash stopped being angry and started being confused, “in Cloudsdale?” Twilight blinked.
“Are you fucking kidding me.”
“What?”
“YOU SAID YES‽ YOU’RE ACTUALLY GONNA GO TO CLOUDSDALE AND TEACH PEGASUS GANGSTERS YOU’VE NEVER MET HOW TO COOK MY PINK METH‽ ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND‽”
“Derpy will be there! I’ll have my chance to poison her! And what’s the big deal about teaching pegasus gangsters anyway? They only sell in Cloudsdale. And it wouldn’t matter if they didn’t. Our salaries are fixed. Why do you care?”
“I care because it’s my fucking formula. Not yours, not Derpy’s, not some fucking pegasus grad school dropout’s. That formula is me , it’s Glitter Hawk Lips . It’s not just a recipe, it’s my legacy. It’s also, if your feeble brain can even recall this, our only leverage. That formula is the only reason we’re still alive. Wrap your fucking head around that.”
“Twilight what the fuck are you talking about. What’s the actual problem here? Can you actually name what’s going to happen to us if we teach some Cloudsdale gangsters to cook better meth?”
“If you teach them you mean. I’m not teaching them.” Said Twilight, ignoring the question.
“Well you weren’t invited, so it doesn’t really matter.”
“Well you weren’t… uh… FUCK YOU!” said Twilight.
They had a few more words that night, but somehow never came to a consensus. They didn’t speak to each other the next day, and the day after that Derpy Hooves picked up Rainbow Dash to take her to Cloudsdale. That was the last time Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle saw each other for a while.
Derpy Hooves supposedly had thousands of employees, but she never kept very many around at once. Neither Rainbow Dash nor Twilight Sparkle had ever encountered more than a handful of their coworkers, and almost never under pleasant circumstances. She seemed to prefer to keep her associates separated, lest they fight with each other, like what happened last time her associates were not separated, or the time before that. It was probably a desire to minimize dead allies that led Derpy to only bring along two ponies with her to Cloudsdale: her bodyguard Finger Flyer, and Rainbow Dash. Of course they were both pegasi. Cloudsdale crooks had a rather contentious view of unicorns, and an extremely contentious view of earth ponies. The trip was only three days long, so Rainbow Dash only brought a light suitcase, containing only necessities. Unfortunately, Derpy had forbidden her to bring drugs or alcohol, and Finger had enforced this prohibition by searching her luggage. He nicked two bottles of scotch and a baggie of pills that somepony had told her were molly but were probably bath salts. This left Rainbow Dash with nothing but some clothes and some bottles of water, some of which were poisoned. Luckily, Rainbow Dash was not forbidden to bring smokes, and her cigarettes, including the ricin one, were still squarely lodged in wherever ponies keep things that they carry around. I try not to think about it too much.
The actual trip to Cloudsdale was as uneventful as it was expected. Apart from being in the sky, Cloudsdale was only one town over from Ponyville. It took less than an hour to get there, and if she were going herself, Rainbow Dash could have made the trip in under five minutes. They only took the slow way because Derpy wasn’t a great flier, and also because they wanted to avoid attention. Nevertheless, Rainbow Dash was excited to be there again. Rainbow Dash was born and raised in this city. She was more familiar with it than either of her companions. She was much less familiar with its criminal underground, though. Her criminal experience in this city consisted of the times she managed to score weed in high school. She hadn’t really gotten into the world of crime until she moved to Ponyville.
Rather than staying at a hotel, the three of them stayed in a straight up house, in the middle of the suburbs. When they arrived, Rainbow Dash assumed they had arrived at the home of the drug kingpin which she’d been told so much about, but Derpy informed her that this was merely a safe house that they had rented for the trip. They had things they needed to prepare before the meeting of the gangs. Rainbow Dash spent most of the first day annoying Finger and desperately wishing she had something to drink. Derpy spent the day making phone calls and working on something, and Rainbow Dash didn’t care a lot about what it was.
The cloudsdale mafia’s (that’s what Rainbow Dash had started calling them in her head, even though they didn’t actually have a name for their organization, just like Derpy’s organization) lab was filthy. It looked like a meth lab. Obviously it was a meth lab, but Rainbow Dash had become used to working in a meth lab that didn’t look like a meth lab, and was quite scornful about the condition of the place. The cooks, of which there were nine, all looked nearly indistinguishable, except by color and cutie mark. They were all pegasi, all seemingly in their late 30’s, all pretty haggard, ill-tempered, anxious, and they all had fucked up teeth that implied to Rainbow Dash that they had never heard the oft-cited advice of never getting high off your own supply. Clearly there was no pegasus equivalent to Biggie Smalls’ “The Ten Crack Commandments” (but there was of course, a pegasus equivalent to the 1906 Hungarian novel “The Paul Street Boys”, as implied earlier in this chapter).
The head chemist (his name was Dusty) looked Rainbow Dash up and down.
“So…” he said, “this is the Glitter Hawk Lips we’ve heard so much about.”
“That’s right.” Said Finger, before Rainbow Dash could open her mouth to fuck things up.
“She don’t look like much.” He said, rather disdainfully. “She can’t be a day older than 22.” This was exactly correct, but Rainbow Dash still felt offended by it.
“We can assure you,” said Finger, speaking for Derpy, who was absent for the moment, “that Glitter Hawk Lips is the best there is. Follow her lead, and listen carefully, and she’ll show you everything that your organization has wanted to know. Treat her with respect.”
Rainbow Dash felt anxiety creep up her body. She was a faildaughter, not a scientist. Nevertheless, she’d done the cook enough times to be able to do it with her eyes closed. She walked around the lab with an affected panache, examining the materials. Then she examined them all again, and paused.
“There’s no liquid rainbow.”
“We don’t need liquid rainbow.” Said Dusty.
“Uh, yes we do. That’s how we do our cook. It’s our… precursive.”
“Liquid rainbow is extremely hard to obtain. We don’t have the time for it. A precursor is a precursor. We went through hell to obtain methylamine in the quantities we have. We have our precursor.”
“Make time for it.” Rainbow Dash snapped, feeling possessed by the spirit of the real Glitter. “If you want to cook my meth you’ll have to cook my way. No substitutions, no skipped steps, no additives. If you don’t have liquid rainbow, you get liquid rainbow. We’re literally in Cloudsdale right now. The rainbow factory is right there. Make it happen.” The scientists were dumbfounded by the implication of this command, but Rainbow Dash didn’t give them time to fully comprehend the situation before she continued the attack. “And while we’re waiting, this laboratory is filthy. You can’t cook in a shithole like this. I can literally smell the contaminating chemicals. This is disgraceful. Start cleaning, and don’t stop until it’s clean enough to eat apple cobbler off.” Nopony moved.
Dusty stared at Rainbow Dash. Then, he relented, and picked up the phone.
“Sir, we need a favor.”
It took a miraculously short seventeen hours and twenty-one minutes before a knock was heard on the front door of the warehouse (not counting the five times Finger had arrived, bringing food, playing cards, and anything else the ten interim janitors could come up with to make him fetch). This time it was a new face, to Rainbow Dash at least. To everypony else, this face was instantly clocked as the face of Phoenix Shimmer, the most dangerous unicorn in Cloudsdale. She was yellow (but you had to say she was golden) with a red mane and tail, with a sort of orangered gradient across them. She wore a purple bracelet around her front right hoof. She was shockingly young. She looked like she was still in high school (she wasn’t, but only because she dropped out). Despite the fact that she was a mare, a teenager, and a unicorn, the chemists showed her immediate deference, averting their eyes. Rainbow Dash was too brave and too stupid to do the same.
“Yo.” Said Phoenix.
“Sup.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Damn what happened to this place?” she said, gently drifting a fifty-kilogram drum of liquid rainbow through the air to the back wall like it was a foal’s backpack. “This dump looks like a… non-dump. You guys hire a janitor or something? Lol.”
“Nope.” Rainbow Dash beamed smugly, “just a little bit of-“
“I don’t care don’t talk to me.” She said. “By the way, Donny Lottery is pissed at you. Something about stealing some hundred thousand bits worth of shit from a government building, I don’t remember the number. I think he’s gonna kill you actually. Anyway, here’s your rainbows. Gayyyyyy. Later!” Phoenix took a huge rip off her vape pen, and denied Rainbow Dash’s request to take a hit. Then she left without closing the door.
To say that Rainbow Dash was not nervous would be untrue. Although she never let her swagger falter, or her falter swagger, whilst she was instructing the chemists from her vantage point in the air, doubts swam around in the back of her mind like stressful koi, swimming in perfect circles that represented the hole Donny Lottery would make in her head should she fail to produce high quality crystal. Truth be told, she had never cooked the pink meth alone before. She doubted herself on some of her instructions, but never let this doubt shine through to her face. It was a long and stressful cook for everypony involved, especially the one pony whose life was almost certainly on the line, but when it was over, Dusty broke up a tray, took a long pink shard, crushed it up with a mortar and pestle, and placed the dust in a little machine. Finger and Rainbow Dash gave the machine the Kubrick stare for nearly five minutes unti it announced, by means of a digital display, that the meth had a purity of 99.1%. An astonishing figure. As good as Twilight could do and better. Raucous cheers erupted from the scientists. They smiled for the first time since Rainbow Dash had encountered them. Most of them celebrated by snorting some of the product. Rainbow Dash did not admonish them for this. Her job was over. She didn’t give a fuck what they did with the speed. Finger shot her a proud look. He would have patted her on the back, but ponies don’t do that. It’s just not feasible.
The no-hard-feelings party, sometimes referred to as the we’re-not-gonna-kill-each-other party, was scheduled for the second day, but the enormous delay caused by Rainbow Dash’s demands forced the celebration to be moved back about 36 hours. It was now to be held in the morning, at Donny Lottery’s fabulous mansion. Mostly in his backyard. Donny Lottery was pissed because he had to pay the strippers for an extra day, but he was so jubilant at the thought of the pink meth formula that he didn’t beat up, or even berate, any of his subordinates over it. In fact, he was positively over the moon. He’d spared no expense for the function. There were two strippers for every stallion, and two bags of cocaine for every stripper. He’d even made sure none of the strippers were white, because he wouldn’t be able to see the coke on them if they were. Pegasi generally only take uppers since downers make it really easy to fall off the city and die.
Rainbow Dash was chain-smoking cigarettes and looking for Derpy Hooves. She really didn’t want to, but she felt compelled to ask Donny Lottery where she was. He was currently in a circle of his compatriots, who were laughing uproariously at nothing in particular, in much the same way sorority girls in southern cities do while walking around at 3 pm on a Wednesday. What’s up with those girls? What the hell is so goddamn funny? Why do you all look and dress identical? Are y’all in a cult? Similar questions were equally applicable to Donny Lottery and his crew, but Rainbow Dash knew better than to ask them, or even to ask more pressing questions. Instead, rather than interrupt them, she waited outside the circle awkwardly until Donny Lottery noticed her and gestured towards her.
“Ah shit, there she is. Glitter, come over here!” Rainbow Dash acquiesced.
“Sup.”
“This is the mare I was tellin’ you guys about. She’s the one with the new apeshit formula for methamphetamine. Pink day. I think the mud ponies call it quartz. It’s bananas. And now she’s ours. Welcome to the team, Glitter.”
“…what?”
“You’re the new head cook! Welcome to the team!” The pegasi all cheered and whooped incoherently, celebrating the good news. Rainbow Dash’s face froze into the tbh stare.
“I need to go away for a second.” She said, immediately turning away and trying to walk as casually as possible inside, where she frantically searched for Finger. She didn’t find him, but she did find Derpy Hooves, whom she had previously been searching for, unsuccessfully. She was in the kitchen, gently and very delicately removing muffins, evidently of her own creation, from six muffin trays, two of which had already been completely emptied.
“Derpy! Donny L-”
“Don’t eat any of these muffins by the way.” Said Derpy Hooves, not looking up at Rainbow Dash until after she had finished both saying and this and placing one more muffin onto a serving platter.
“What?”
“I wanted to get that out of the way as fast as possible. Don’t eat any of these muffins. Not even when they’re served and everypony else is eating them.”
“Derpy I-“
“If you really want a muffin I’ll make you as many as you like when we get home to Ponyville, but these ones aren’t for us.”
“When we get home to Ponyville‽ Donny Lottery just told me that I won’t be going back to Ponyville! He said I’m the new head cook! Am I staying or leaving?” Derpy Hooves smiled and chuckled.
“Oh, right.” She said, “You’re leaving, but he thinks you’re staying. I forgot to tell you. I mean that honestly. I actually did mean to tell you that. The thing about the muffins too. I’ve had a lot on my mind today, you see.” Derpy went back to plating Muffins.
“What do you mean he thinks I’m staying?”
“I mean that’s what I told him. I told him I’d give him Glitter. Don’t worry about it.”
“How am I supposed to not worry about that? What’s gonna happen when tomorrow comes? He’s gonna find out you lied!”
“Let me worry about tomorrow, Rainbow Dash. Your job is over. I’ll take it from here.”
“But-“
“Trust me. I know what I’m doing. Listen to me.” Derpy Hooves finally stopped paying attention to her pastries and looked Rainbow Dash in the eye. “You will be back in Ponyville tomorrow. Now go back outside and relax.”
Against her own better judgement, Rainbow Dash responded by nodding obediently and walking back outside. She found Finger. He had been outside the whole time, hanging silently next to Phoenix. The two of them looked like they were having a competition to see who could be the biggest moodkiller.
Derpy Hooves came outside about fifteen minutes later, holding one platter of muffins. Her arrival outside was celebrated with a procession of hooting, hollering, and other assorted cheers from the pegasi, most of which were intoxicated in some form or another.
“Could you help me with the rest of these?” she said, in lieu of cheering back, as she maintained her dignity even at the most raucous of occasions, “I have two more platters on the dining table if somepony could bring them out for me. It would be much appreciated.”
Phoenix of course was the one who came forward. She was the obvious candidate for the task, since she was the only one of Donny’s goons who was on the clock, and also unicorns were infinitely better at carrying plates than pegasi were.
Donny Lottery met Derpy at the big outdoor table by the pool that had a big umbrella coming out of a hole in the middle.
“At long last, the old queen finally makes her appearance. You were never much for social engagements, were you Muffins? Or, sorry, what do you go by nowadays? Ditzy Doo?” Donny’s goons laughed. He knew her name. Everypony did. He just liked to bust her balls because he was amused by her nonreactivity. “I’m just busting your balls, Derpy. The past is behind us. I’m glad we could put aside our tragic backstories and work together, like pegasi are s’posta. You have no idea how happy it makes me to see you finally come to your senses.” Derpy smiled politely.
“Pardon my late entry to the party, I was preparing my gift. You know I’m not big on celebrations. You’ve already met Glitter, I presume?” she said, gesturing to Rainbow Dash.
“Yes, indeed!” said Donny Lottery, “She’s everything I expected and more! I’m surprised you were willing to give her away!”
“It’s almost unbelievable, isn’t it?” said Derpy, “After everything that happened between us, that I would give you my head cook. Would you like a muffin? They’re banana, with those big sugar crystals on top.” Derpy took a muffin and put it on a plate, and nudged it towards Donny Lottery.
“I’d love one.” Said Donny Lottery, ignoring the muffin he was offered and selecting a random muffin from one of the platters. Then with his other front leg he took another random muffin and gave it to Derpy. “You can have that one.” He said. Donny Lottery waited for Derpy to take a bite out of her muffin before smiling confidently and eating his.
Once the two leaders had partaken, the rest of the pegasi swarmed to form a very unsightly line for the muffin table. It was not single file in the slightest. Evidently, criminals had no sense of civility.
The muffins were a huge hit. Everypony had at least one save for the two bodyguards and Rainbow Dash, who abstained because Derpy Hooves had told her to earlier, and Rainbow Dash didn’t want to disobey her, even if she was planning on killing her. Donny Lottery and Derpy Hooves talked for a while about the city, and about crime, before Derpy needed to use the bathroom, and left. Without his favorite doormat to antagonize, Donny Lottery lit up a cigar and trotted over to Rainbow Dash, who had been sitting awkwardly on a pool chair next to Finger and Phoenix, although none of the three of them had been talking to each other in any way, just watching the proceedings and thinking about murder (although none of the three of them knew that the other two were also thinking about murder).
“Whoa, settle down there Glitter!” Donny Lottery said sarcastically. “You’re gonna blow a fuse there!” He chuckled. “I was just giving your former boss a hard time. You know how she is. She likes to do things quietly and professionally. No sense of aesthetics. Not much for small talk and schmoozing, that one. Always so serious. I hope none of her drub rubbed off on you. Drab. I hope none of her drab drabbed up… Fuck…” Donny Lottery’s cigar dropped out of his mouth. Far away, Derpy Hooves vomited violently into the guest toilet. The sound of her retching was masked by the loud electronic dance music playing from the outdoor speakers.
Donny Lottery stopped talking. He suddenly felt dizzy. He wondered if maybe that line he’d snorted had been ket instead of coke. He looked around. His guys weren’t dancing. In fact, some of them had collapsed.
Phoenix noticed something was up. Her boss’s lips were turning blue. She began to walk towards him, but she didn’t make it one step before her neck violently snapped up against some sort of chain. Rainbow Dash jumped back in alarm as she saw Finger strangling Phoenix with a silver necklace.
“SHIT!” Rainbow Dash yelled in surprise. Phoenix’s horn glowed, and then she vomited all over herself and collapsed. Finger lifted the necklace off her head, then crushed her windpipe with his hoof.
Donny Lottery, utterly terrified by what he witnessed, turned around to flee, but all he could manage was a slow crawl towards the door. Nopony tried to stop him. It was around this time that Derpy Hooves came back outside. She smiled at him, but it wasn’t her usual smile. She was smiling with her whole face.
“You…” he said, putting it together much later than a smarter pony would have. “You did this…”
“Finger,” said Derpy Hooves, although she was still looking at Donny Lottery and grinning, “is Phoenix dead?”
“Yes ma’am.”
“Loot her bracelet. It was a gift from her grandmother.” Finger did as he was told.
“Muffins…” Donny Lottery did not manage to say any more before Derpy put her hoof in his mouth. Then she leaned in real close until her mouth was next to his ear.
“I killed Odyssea too.” she said. Then she kicked him into the pool.
By this point, all of the strippers had fled. The few ponies who had still yet to succumb to the poison were lying face down on the concrete, or the grass, if they’d managed to make it that far. Rainbow Dash was absolutely freaking out. She looked to Derpy for… well she didn’t know what. She just felt like she was the pony to look to. She didn’t look so good though. Her face was pale. You could tell through her hair even. She was clearly struggling to stand up, but she nevertheless continued to give commands to her and Finger.
“We need to get out of her as soon as possible.” She said. “The police will be coming soon, I guarantee it. Finger, burn down the house so there’s no evidence of us being here. Rainbow Dash,” Derpy fell down, “take me to the hospital. Tell them I drank expired almond milk and need my stomach pumped.” She did not fall unconscious after this, like Rainbow Dash expected, but she certainly did not feel like saying or doing anything more. Finger ran into the house. It was just the two of them. Rainbow Dash could kill her right now. It would be as easy as doing nothing. She could take her too slowly to the hospital. She could leave her in the woods. She could tell the doctors she had a broken leg and waste their time until she died. Derpy was completely at her mercy. She had placed her life in Rainbow Dash’s hands. She trusted her with her life. She trusted her.
THREE DAYS LATER
“State your name.”
“Derpy Hooves.”
“We’re sorry if this came at a bad time. We understand you were recently in the hospital. According to the hospital records you drank expired almond milk and needed your stomach pumped. Are you feeling alright today?”
“Much better, thank you. You know how it is with almond milk.”
“Well actually I don’t. My family owns a farm and we milk our own cows. My granny would beat me bloody if she ever caught me with almond milk.”
“You’re not missing out on much. It’s a really gross drink.”
“I’m sure, I’m sure. Do you know why we’ve asked you to come over to the station today?”
Derpy looked forlorn.
“Is it about Minty?” Applejack was surprised, and so were the other members of the task force seated at the long wooden meeting table.
“As a matter of fact, it is. Your hoofprints were in her house, and you were one of only two contacts on her secret phone. Did you know her?”
“Yes I did. The hoofprints aren’t surprising. I visited her twice in the month before she was killed. I don’t wear socks, unlike her, so I’m sure my hooves are all over her house. As for the cell phone, that surprises me. I didn’t know she had a second phone. She did have my number though. She called me a few times I think.”
“How did you know her?”
“I met her a few years ago in Canterlot. I was a delivery pony who worked with a bunch of places, and one of them was this place called Canterlot Laboratories, where there were a bunch of scientists. She was a research assistant at the lab, and she would always greet me when me and my friend Waterworks delivered the weekly chemical shipments. We never talked long, because I always had my job to do, but we liked each other because we were both very clumsy. We were both pretty bad with our hooves. It led to a lot of problems in both of our jobs. After I became a mailmare we lost touch, but she called me a few months ago and we started chatting again. I visited her house twice. She seemed like a very nice pony. I can’t imagine why anypony would shoot her. It must have been some kind of mistake.”
“Thank you.” Said Applejack, “We also wanted to ask you some questions about your personal history if that’s alright.”
“Uh, okay.” Said Derpy Hooves.
“There’s no record a you in the Canterlot archives older than about fourteen years. Do you have a copy of your birth certificate?”
“No, sorry.”
“When were you born?”
“March 4th. I don’t know the year.”
“You don’t know what year you were born?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Do you have any living family members?”
“I don’t know. My parents left me when I was very young. I don’t know their names. I grew up in an orphanage in Filliedelphia. I don’t think it’s around anymore.”
“Thank you for your cooperation.”
“Sorry I couldn’t remember a lot. I hope I helped with your search.”
“Did anypony follow me?” Derpy said to Finger, meeting him behind the post office.
“No. Nopony tailed you. I was watching. You think they suspect you?”
“I’m certain they do. The orange one’s sure of it.”
“What are we gonna do about it?”
“What the hell do you think we’re gonna do about it?” said Derpy, “We’re going to kill her.”
Chapter 9: You Were Paid in Advance
“You mind if I vape?” said Derpy Hooves.
Ding ding ding.
“You don’t? Fantastic.” Derpy took a feeble hit off the pen and proceeded to cough herself half to death.
Ding ding ding ding ding.
“How do you like my new bracelet?” Derpy coughed out, “Pretty stylish, isn’t it?”
Ding ding ding ding.
“I agree. It’s quite fabulous. I might start wearing it around town. Make it my new look.”
Ding ding ding ding ding.
“Have you read the news lately?”
No ding.
“Oh my. You have a lot to catch up on. Let me give you the rundown.” Derpy took a newspaper out of her basket and held it in front of Silver Shimmer. No ding.
“All of them, Silver.” Derpy said. “Every. Single. One.”
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
“Don’t worry, Silver. Your granddaughter didn’t burn with the rest of them.” Derpy got really uncomfortably close to Silver. “She was strangled to death while Donny Lottery watched.”
Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding.
“OH WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?” Derpy Hooves knocked the bell out of Silver’s chair and smashed it against the ground. “I don’t need your commentary. I already know you’re unhappy. Let me monologue in peace. Come on. We’re going on a trip.”
EARLIER THAT DAY
Cannabis is a very dangerous drug. Or rather, muffins are a very dangerous food, and cannabis is a gateway drug to muffins. Rainbow Dash had witnessed the danger of muffins with her own two eyes quite recently, and yet she had still devoured an entire tray of twelve (12) chocolate chip muffins the night before. Granted these muffins weren’t poison, but a lot of typically benign foods become poisons in their own right when you eat 12 of them.
Rainbow Dash promised herself she’d switch to benzos.
She’d chosen the wrong day to be afflicted with unbearable food poisoning. It was her first day back in the lab, and Twilight hadn’t shown up, which was astonishing, because she always showed up. Rainbow Dash had waited around for a while, wobbling a beaker back and forth and trying to see how much she could get it to wobble without falling down, until she came to the conclusion that Twilight was not going to show up, and that she should begin the cook on her own. But before she did that, she needed a cigarette.
Nopony was there to yell at her for smoking in the lab, but Rainbow Dash still had enough professionalism to take the elevator back to the laundromat first. She closed the secret washing machine door behind her and took out a cig. Three drags in, the laundromat door opened and Rainbow Dash did a double take. Then a triple take. Then another drag. Then a quadruple take.
No. Fucking. Way.
Everypony in Ponyville knew that Twilight Sparkle was not holding up very well. She tried to avoid all social gatherings, talked very little, never went out in public when she could help it, and constantly had a deeply pained look in her eyes. The past year had taken an enormous toll on her, mentally and physically. She’d grown thinner, her hair had become patchier, her head was covered in scars, and she’d lost her horn. Worst of all, she seemed to have lost any sense of optimism and cheeriness she once had. She went for long periods of time without contacting any of her friends, and Applejack frequently worried that she’d committed suicide, and that this time she’d never see her again.
Applejack and Big Macintosh were relieved to see that Twilight Sparkle wasn’t dead, but she didn’t look much better than that. She sat at her dining room table, staring at the tablecloth with her mouth open and her eyes furrowed, as if she were straining them without actually using them to look at anything. The tablecloth was torn and frayed in a hundred different places near Twilight’s seat, but everywhere else it was pristine. Spike gave Twilight her fried eggs and hashbrowns first, before serving the two guests and himself, then he sat down, opposite Twilight. Big Macintosh started eating his food immediately. Spike gave a brief but desperate glance to Applejack. Applejack tried to think of a polite opener, but found herself unable to not speak from the heart.
“I’m happy you’re still alive.” She said.
“Don’t get used to it.” Spike couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at this response, although he felt very guilty about it. Applejack acted as if Twilight hadn’t said it.
“So, um… How have things been recently?”
“Good.”
“Nopony’s seen you in a while. What’ve you been up to?” Twilight avoided answering this question by slowly starting to eat her eggs. Applejack was happy with the response. Breakfast is much better for depression than honesty, and Twilight never ate breakfast.
They all ate in silence for a long time. When Applejack had eaten her eggs (they were under-seasoned, Spike couldn’t make them the way Granny Smith could) she spoke up again.
“Well, me ‘n Big Macintosh’ve been working hard on the Glitter case. Real excitin’ stuff.” This, fortunately enough, got Twilight’s attention.
“I thought you already caught her.”
“Nope.” Said Big Mac.
“PPD thinks so. We don’t think so. And we’re right and they’re wrong. She’s still out there. And to tell you the truth,” Applejack leaned in and paused to build suspense, “we think we know who she is.”
Applejack must have built up a little too much suspense because Twilight seemed legitimately scared. Applejack thought it best not to delay the reveal too much, lest Twilight’s nerves overcome her.
“You know Derpy Hooves, the mailmare?” Twilight nodded slowly. “She’s a drug dealer.” Twilight’s face was blank for a brief moment, then she laughed.
“What?” She chuckled. “That’s-that’s crazy!”
“I know, I know. But seriously, once you hear the evidence, you’ll believe us. There’s too much evidence to fit in my desk drawer. It’s a sure thing. She’s… she’s… uh… Big Mac, what did Applebloom say when we told her about this?”
“Sus.” Said Big Macintosh.
“Sus! Yeah, she’s sus! Mighty sus!”
“Wow.” Said Twilight. “But uh, how could Derpy cook meth. She’s… you know…” Twilight pantomimed picking up a glass of water and dropping it.
“Well.” Said Applejack, “She’s not the cook, she’s the boss. THIS is the cook.” Big Mac took out a manila envelope and emptied it onto the table. A picture of Minty slid right up in front of Twilight’s plate and absorbed just a little bit of egg yolk.
“Is that uh… is that the pony that got shot a few months ago?” Twilight swallowed hard.
“I guess I misspoke. I should have said, she was the cook.” Said Applejack. “And not the only one. She’s been in the ground two months and we’re still finding pink day in every city in Equestria, ‘cept for Cloudsdale.”
“Why not in Cloudsdale?” said Twilight.
“Walk with me and I’ll tell you. I’m sick of sitting down.”
“No.”
Big Mac literally dragged Twilight out the door. Walk with me turned out not to be a suggestion. The whole reason they’d come over had been to distract her from her worries by taking her on an adventure.
“Where are we going?” said Twilight.
“I’ll get to it don’t worry. But first! Let me tell you about Cloudsdale.” Applejack talked for nearly half an hour about the history of the Cloudsdale mafia, slowly building up the reveal of the twist ending, that every single pony in the story had died just a few days ago, all on the same day, and all from the same poison. It was a huge shock, but I spared you from it because you already knew about it unless you’ve been skipping chapters, so I’ll skip to the end of her monologue.
“-and all from the same poison.”
“Ricin?” Twilight blurted out.
“Good guess, but no. Cyanide. If it had been ricin they would have made it home first. Most of ‘em were found on Donny Lottery’s property, some of ‘em fell through the clouds and splattered onto the ground. Donny Lottery himself was at the bottom of his pool.”
“Wow.” Said Twilight, quietly.
“Anyway, we think that Cloudsdale was behind Minty’s death, and this was Derpy’s payback. We know that Minty was a meth cook, and we know that Derpy was in contact with Minty while she was alive. Of course, that’s not enough evidence to nab Derpy, but coincidences keep pilin’ up. Minty’s death opened up the flood gates. I can see why Derpy was so upset at her murder.”
“Coincidences?”
“A lot of coincidences. And we brought you here for a big one. We’re gonna do some investigatin’ together. Turn left here.”
Twilight suddenly realized where she was. Her lethargy quickly turned into panic.
“Right up here there’s a laundromat-”
“So? Who cares?” Twilight practically interrupted Applejack.
“Let me finish please. Derpy owns it. Which is odd, because-“
“Well, Derpy’s a very odd pony. My legs hurt. Do you think we could head home? Do you think you could both walk me home? I’m not used to walking this much. My legs are just so-“
“Not a chance.” Said Applejack. “You’re not gonna go home to keep sulking. You’re gonna help us look for clues and solve this case. We’re gonna go on an adventure, like old times. Come on.” Twilight thought desperately of a way out, but before she knew it, Applejack had swung open the door. Twilight reluctantly trotted in. This was very very bad. But it could be worse, she told herself. Applejack could’ve come on a weekday. At least on a Sunday she wouldn’t see-
No. Fucking. Way.
If anypony in that laundromat were a psychic, they would have gotten hearing damage from how loud the Kill Bill siren sound effect was playing in Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle’s heads.
“Look over there!” shouted Twilight Sparkle, pointing at a random corner of the laundromat. It was the smartest thing she could think of, and it didn’t work, because Applejack completely ignored it.
“Is that Rainbow Dash?” she said.
“No.” said Twilight. “Well, that was fun. Let’s go home. Right now.”
“Rainbow Dash!” Applejack cantered over to Rainbow Dash, who was staring at her bug-eyed and silent. “Now there’s a surprise. What in Equestria are you doing here?”
“Um… Smoking?” she said.
“I can see that. But why are you at a laundromat?”
“Because I was… um, doing laundry?”
“Don’t you have a washing machine at home?”
“Well obviously I’m already at a laundromat, so however unlikely it is that I’d be at a laundromat, it must be true, so there’s no reason to question it.” Rainbow Dash thought this was an extremely Twilight Sparkle thing to say, but Twilight didn’t look very proud.
“Maybe her washing machine is broken.” Said Twilight. Oh, thought Rainbow Dash. That was the Twilight Sparkle thing to say.
“Yeah, that’s it.” Said Rainbow Dash. Twilight breathed her sigh of relief slowly and quietly, so as not to arouse suspicion.
“But you don’t wear clothes.” Said Applejack.
“Hey, why don’t we start looking for clues now?” said Twilight. “Maybe we can start on the outside, and next week we’ll come back and investigate the inside. That sounds fair to me.”
“No need to wait a week.” Said Applejack, “Big Mac and I could just come back tomorrow.”
“Who has the time for that?” said Twilight, “How about you and Big Mac investigate the outside, and Rainbow Dash and I will investigate the inside. Two groups of two. Sounds good to me. Okay byyyyye.” Twilight pushed Applejack outside, and Big Mac followed. Then she slammed the door behind them.
“What the fuck are you doing‽” Twilight tried not to scream at Rainbow Dash. She didn’t know how thick the walls were.
“What am I doing? What am I doing? What the fuck! I’m at work! Without you! What have you been doing?”
“Work‽ It’s Sunday!” Rainbow Dash went silent for a second.
“Oh. Really?” That explained a lot.
“Yes! How did you n-” Twilight Sparkle remembered something much more important, “Wait, forget about all this. Is Derpy Hooves dead?”
“…No.”
“Then I’m fucked.”
“Yeah, no shit! You brought a cop to our meth lab! What were you thinking?”
“At least I know what day it is! And it’s worse than you think. Applejack knows that Derpy is a drug kingpin. She knows that this building is connected to the meth trade. And apparently she also knows that a few days ago nearly twenty ponies died in Cloudsdale, and Derpy somehow wasn’t one of them!”
“You know what I think, Twilight? I think y- Applejack! Hey!” Twilight quickly turned around.
“The manager said we couldn’t poke around without a warrant. We gotta come back later. Y’all find any clues on the inside?” said Applejack.
“No, no no no. Just a lot of clothes. Shame about the manager. Guess we gotta go. Bye Rainbow Dash! Hope the washing machine repair pony comes by soon!” Twilight nudged Applejack and Big Mac as hard as she could to get them out of the building. She wished that she still had telekinesis for the 20th time that week, and it was only 10:14 AM on Sunday. The first thing Applejack said after leaving the laundromat was “Sorry for being a bother, sir. It’s just my job.” Whom was she talking to? Twilight followed her out the door and her heart sank.
It was Finger Flyer. He was the so-called “manager”. Twilight and Finger made unbroken eye contact for ten unbearable seconds before Twilight needed to look away so she could see where she was walking. Applejack and Big Mac (mostly Applejack) kept talking to her as they walked back to the library, but Twilight Sparkle didn’t listen to a single word.
When she got home, Spike tried to talk to her. She hated when Spike tried to talk to her, but he was very insistent today.
“You’re back earlier than I thought you’d be. Do anything interesting?”
“No.”
“Did you… talk about anything interesting?”
“No. I’m going to go read.”
“No? She didn’t tell you anything more about murder and drug dealing? I woulda thought that would have gone somewhere. I mean, she was halfway through-“
“What do you care Spike.”
“You know, Twilight, I’m the one who asked Applejack to come over today.”
Twilight remained calm.
“Oh?” she said instead of “Kill yourself”, “and why was that?”
“Big Mac has been talking to me about, uh… Glitter… and uh, I thought you needed to hear about it. That poor mare got shot in her own home, and, and, uh…”
“Yes, yes, that’s very sad, but it doesn’t have anything to do with us . Some of us are still alive and trying to enjoy what little time we have left in quiet. Now if you’ll excuse me-“
“You really don’t care at all? About Minty? All those deaths in Cloudsdale?”
“Why the hell do you care so much about this Spike? Why can’t you just mind your own business? Why do you care about the task force all of a sudden?”
Spike paused to take a deep breath and collect himself.
“Because you’re a meth cook, Twilight.”
Twilight’s face went blank.
“…What? No, no no no. What? What are you talking about? You’re insane.”
“Twilight-“
“What? A meth cook? Huh?”
“Twilight!”
“Where do you get these things? I mean, what? No! What did you say? A meth cook? Whaaaat?”
“TWILIGHT STOP IT! STOP PRETENDING WE DON’T KNOW!”
“How did you- I mean, why would you think that?” Twilight sputtered.
“I was pretty sure since the party. I made up my mind when Rainbow Dash disappeared. We live together Twilight. Where am I supposed to think you go every day? Where am I supposed to think all this money came from? What am I supposed to think happened to your horn?”
“Well, Rainbow Dash was going spelunking-“
“SHUT UP! You’re both meth cooks! You’ve been making illegal drugs and putting yourself and others in danger! Can’t we just talk about it openly for once?”
Twilight Sparkle finally shut up for a minute. Then she spoke softly and apprehensively.
“Does anypony else know?”
Spike sighed.
“If they do they’ve been doing a good job of keeping their mouth shut. I think a lot of ponies know it but won’t admit it out loud. We still care about you Twilight. It hurts us to see you do this to yourself. You’re in danger and you won’t even admit it.”
“I know what I’m doing.” Twilight lied.
“Well so do I! And I don’t like it. Listen, if you’re in danger-“
“Would you stop saying that fucking word for one minute?” Twilight almost never swore in front of Spike. “Danger, danger, danger! What is it with you? Whom do you think you’re talking to? I am not in danger, Spike. I am the danger! Do you think I’m gonna get shot in my home like Minty? Is that what you think? You think I’m gonna end up like those two-bit Cloudsdale crackhead gangsters? Do you really think so little of me? I am NOT the pony who opens up the door and gets shot. I’m the one who knocks. I’m not a victim, Spike. I make victims.” Twilight worried she’d gone too far with those last few lines, so she finished off her spiel with “I think I’m gonna take a bath.” Then she left. Spike said nothing. The conversation hadn’t gone much worse than he’d expected it to.
Twilight spent hours in the bath, pondering how shit her life had gotten recently. Derpy was still alive, Applejack knew about the operation, Spike knew she was Glitter, and Rainbow Dash wanted nothing to do with her. She had enemies everywhere, but no friends. Things couldn’t get any worse. After she got tired of sulking, she felt the urge to do some reading. That would take her mind off things until work on Monday. Yeah, that was it. She’d read, she’d take a nap, she’d think about how she was going to deal with Derpy.
Twilight exited the bathroom to find her living room was full of armed gangsters.
Twilight smashed down against the dry grass. Her legs were tied together, and she couldn’t stand back up. The bag on her head was lifted off, and she could see Derpy with two tough-looking ponies at her sides.
“You’re fired.” Said Derpy. “It’s over. I don’t want you coming into work ever again. Don’t whinge to me about your money, you were paid in advance. You will never show your face in the laundromat again, alone or accompanied. You will not cook anymore. You will stay away from Rainbow Dash. Most importantly, you will stop trying to kill me.”
Derpy paused to let her words sink in.
“…or what?” said Twilight quietly.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”
“You heard me.” Twilight looked Derpy in the eye. “Stop cooking, stay away from Rainbow Dash, or what? You’ll kill me? You can’t kill me. If you could kill me you’d do it today, right now. But you can’t, can you? You can’t do shit to me. Rainbow Dash won’t let you.”
“Listen to me very closely, Twilight Sparkle. You are alive because I promised Rainbow Dash I would terminate you peacefully. For as long as you keep your head down, I will keep my cook, Rainbow Dash will keep her employment, and you will keep your money. But if this state of affairs is proven not to be able to last, I will not waste breath trying to keep it alive. If you try to interfere with my operation again, I will kill your friends. I will kill Applejack. I will kill Pinkie Pie. I will kill the darling Rarity. I will kill sweet, precious little Fluttershy. I will kill your baby dragon. Rainbow Dash has friends and family, and so do you. If you value their lives, you will do as you are told, and stop your pathetic attempts at revenge.”
Derpy Hooves had once said that she didn’t consider intimidation to be an effective motivator. This had been a lie.
“I want to show you something before you go, just as a little demonstration.” Two earth ponies picked Twilight up and faced her towards an old mare in a wheelchair, sitting right next to a hole in the ground. A unicorn blew her head off with a shotgun, and dumped her corpse into the hole.
“I hope that clears things up.” Said Derpy, who now had a little bit of blood splattered onto her face.
Of all the mistakes Rainbow Dash had made in her life, the one she regretted most frequently was giving Applejack her spare apartment key. That pony had no concept of the sanctity of privacy. Daydrinking and masturbating until you fall asleep in the late afternoon was supposed to be sacred. An adult pony shouldn’t have to worry about being interrupted during such a ritual. And yet, Rainbow Dash was already being whisked out of her apartment, without packing anything, and being escorted by two task force ponies to Sweet Apple Acres. At first, Rainbow Dash had thought she was being raided and arrested, but the intruders had insisted that this was for her protection. Somepony had called in an anonymous tip saying that Applejack and her friends were in danger. Applejack had neither the time nor the wings to fetch Rainbow Dash herself. She was holed up at Sweet Apple Acres with about a hundred police officers and task forcies.
Rainbow Dash was the fifth of six ponies to arrive at Applejack’s house. Rarity was still en route, owing to her insistence on packing heavily. Fluttershy was in the basement, setting up air mattresses. Pinkie Pie was talking with Applejack in the kitchen. Spike was sitting in the living room talking with Applebloom.
“Hey Spike-“ said Rainbow Dash.
“She’s upstairs.” He replied brusquely, not looking in her direction. Rainbow Dash was starting to get scared of Spike recently. He’d been really curt around her recently. Today worst of all. He looked like he was ready to kill somepony.
Rainbow Dash found Twilight in Applejack’s room, pacing back and forth. She stopped and turned to Rainbow Dash the moment she entered the door.
“I know it was you.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“I had no choice.” Said Twilight, “They were going to kill Applejack. I know it. I had to take action.”
“WHAT THE FUCK? TAKE ACTION? YOU BROUGHT APPLEJACK TO THE LAUNDROMAT, YOU TIPPED OFF THE POLICE! WHAT THE FUCK IS GONNA HAPPEN NOW, TWILIGHT? Now either Derpy is gonna kill us, or Applejack is gonna find us out! Why couldn’t we just fucking go to work and do our jobs, Twilight? Why do you keep dragging us into peril over and over again? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU‽”
“That was never gonna last! I told you it was never going to last! I was fired today! It’s over! They-”
“I know. I know you were fired. I talked to Derpy Hooves about it.”
“…What?”
“She was going to kill you, Twilight. I talked her out of it. I vouched for you, that you wouldn’t do anything stupid like put the entire operation at risk and get the head cook under POLICE SUPERVISION AND HOUSE ARREST! It hasn’t even been twelve hours and you’ve already made me a liar! You couldn’t even swallow your pride for an entire afternoon! Now you’re gonna die for real, and I am too. Go fuck yourself, Twilight.”
“When was this? When did you talk?”
“This morning. Right after you left.”
“Oh my Celestia don’t you understand what’s happening? She’s turning you against me! She doesn’t want you to trust me, but you need to trust me! Just listen to me! Applejack knows! Derpy knows that Applejack knows! She wants you and me out of the picture so that she can take care of Applejack. Why do you think she’s so desperate to replace me? She told me herself she’s willing to kill any one of us for the sake of the operation! She knows she and Applejack can’t both be safe! But we can still stop her! We can stop her if we work together, but please just listen to me!”
“No. You’re on your own. I’m so sick of this shit. I can’t keep being a part of this. It’s killing me.”
“Rainbow Dash, it’s not over yet. We-“
“Goodbye, Twilight.”
Rainbow Dash wished that goodbye could have had more gravitas, but it was hard to make it count when she couldn’t leave the premises, just go downstairs.
Rainbow Dash talked to Applejack and Pinkie Pie in the kitchen for a spell, mostly about the case, in which Rainbow Dash feigned disinterest, but also quite a bit about berry picking, a topic that Pinkie Pie and Applejack both shared quite a lot of passion towards.
When Rarity arrived (fashionably late, as usual) Applejack gathered everyone together, even Applebloom, in the living room, to give them a rundown of the situation.
“I’m sorry to have to tell everypony this, but… We’re all in danger.” Everypony saw Spike give Twilight a look, but nopony dared to ask what it meant. “We received an anonymous tip a few hours ago sayin’ that an organization associated with Glitter Hawk Lips was gonna assassinate me and my closest friends tonight. All five uh y’all were mentioned by name. I think we can safely assume the reason why. We’re gettin’ closer and closer to provin’ that Derpy Hooves is the leader of the largest illegal crystal meth operation in Equestria’s history. This is obviously a last-ditch effort to protect herself. I know y’all are all very scared, but I promise y’all, we’re safe here in the police’s hooves. As for Derpy, there’s a warrant out for her arrest. The law will take care of her. Until then, we all have to stay here until the threat has passed.”
The crowd responded to this speech with mass panic and confusion. A lot of ponies started talking over each other.
“Now calm down everypony! It’s nothing we haven’t been through before. The police know what they’re doing. There’s nothing more that we can do.”
“There’s only one thing we can do.” Said Twilight. “Gather the elements of harmony.” This stunned the room into a brief silence.
“I forgot about those.” said Pinkie Pie.
“Absolutely not.” Said Applejack. “The elements of harmony are only for extreme circumstances. If we-”
“Extreme circumstances‽” said Rarity. “We are in the most extreme circumstances! Our lives are in danger!” Spike shot Twilight another look, but this time only Twilight noticed. “Twilight’s absolutely right. We need to use the elements of harmony. We should have used them a long time ago. We can’t just sit here waiting for a drug dealer to murder us! Are you crazy?”
“WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?” shouted Pinkie Pie, “LET’S SHOW THAT MAIL MARE WHAT WE’RE MADE OF!”
“We can’t use the elements on somepony without proof! It’s an abuse of power. We have to get Derpy Hooves the legal way. The right way. Princess Celestia didn’t set up this task force so we could turn ponies into stone! We’re doin’ a proper investigation, dammit, and it’s gonna end with her getting caught and going to trial. That’s the way the system works.”
“She’s right.” Said Fluttershy, “I mean… what would we even do with the elements of harmony?” Everypony clammed up until Pinkie Pie nervously said:
“…kill her?” Applejack and Fluttershy gasped.
“WHAT?” Fluttershy squeaked. “This is-this is crazy! I won’t do it!”
“Neither will I.” said Rainbow Dash.
“Well fine then.” Said Applejack. “Three outta six ain’t enough. We’re not usin’ the elements of harmony, and that’s final. Now let’s all help set the table right quick. Dinner’ll be ready soon.”
Dinner was lentil curry with stewed carrots served over rice. Dessert was apple pie. It was enjoyed by all, except Rainbow Dash, who drank too much wine and threw up before dessert was served.
On Rarity’s insistence, they all took turns keeping watch that night, even though Rarity herself couldn’t make it through her own watch and Pinkie Pie took her shift. It was extremely boring, because they were all sleeping in a basement except for the Apple family, and there was nothing to actually keep watch on. Rainbow Dash had spent the first half hour of her watch imagining a Daring Do book where the titular protagonist lost the use of her hind legs and was nursed back to health by an eccentric yet sexy nursing school dropout with only one eye. The will-they-won’t-they was about to reach its first fakeout pseudo-conclusion when Applejack opened the basement door and yelled down to her.
“Rainbow Dash! You awake?”
“Yeah, I’m up. ‘Sup?” Applejack rubbed her eyes groggily.
“Somepony’s at the door asking for you, claiming to be your lawyer. She’s been yellin’for ‘bout ten minutes now.”
Rainbow Dash jumped at the opportunity, and flew up the stairs in the blink of an eye. Trixie was indeed at the door, being restrained by two night-shift police ponies who were clearly desperate for action.
“Take your hooves off of the great and powerful Trixie this instant you swine! I’m a lawyer! I have my law degree with me and everything! I just want to speak to my client!”
“Let her go. She’s my lawyer.” Said Rainbow Dash. The police let her go and she leapt at Rainbow Dash and gave her an extremely uncomfortable hug.
“Finally!” she said, “I need to talk to you! It’s very important!” Nothing happened after she said this. “Ahem.” She said, “In private I mean.” The police didn’t leave the door so instead Rainbow Dash struggled to free herself from Trixie’s embrace and, when she finally let go, took her to the kitchen.
“Thank Celestia you’re here, Trixie. What the hell do I do?” Rainbow Dash whispered.
“I won’t lie. This is bad.” Said Trixie. “The task force is going to come down on Derpy Hooves like an anvil, and when they do, we are in deep shit. You need to do something drastic, right about right now.”
“If you came here to convince me to try and kill Derpy again, you’re wasting your breath.”
“I doubt that’ll work. She’s not much less dangerous dead than alive. Twilight wants to go that road, but as for me I’m more pessimistic. Here’s my advice.” Trixie gave Rainbow Dash a card.
“You already showed me this.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“But you didn’t take it! This time, fucking keep it! I really think you don’t have a better option than this. Leave this dimension. Your friends will be safe in the law’s hooves, you won’t.”
“Thank you,” said Rainbow Dash, pocketing the card, “but no. I’m staying with my friends, no matter what happens.”
“Whatever.” Said Trixie. “I was paid in advance. One more thing before I go, and you ought to tell this one to Twilight too when she’s awake. She told me to come over and tell you this. I have some eyes on Derpy Hooves. I know where she is. She’s in a safehouse in Las Pegasus. Here’s the address.” Trixie tore a page off a little notebook and shoved it into Rainbow Dash’s pockets with her own hooves.
“You know, we really need to have a talk about personal space, Trixie.” Said Rainbow Dash.
She spent the rest of her watch imagining the nursing school dropout cheating on Daring Do and then crying over it.
A result of the night watch system had been that nopony had gotten quite enough sleep. Everypony had coffee with breakfast, which, by the way, consisted of croissants, fried eggs, and grits. Everypony had their coffee with cream and sugar, except for Twilight, who, if possible, would have preferred to just snort the caffeine in powder form, but instead settled for a black coffee which was the next best thing, and Pinkie Pie, who preferred coffee with cream, sugar, cream, sugar, sugar, cream, and sugar to coffee with cream and sugar.
Applejack and Big Macintosh had gotten up the earliest, to prepare breakfast, but Applebloom and Granny Smith still hadn’t come down by the time everypony else had already started eating. Typical Apple family protocol would have been to wait until everpony was present, followed by saying grace to Celestia for raising the sun so that crops could grow, but the protocol was suspended this particular time because:
“Applebloom’s not joinin’ us for breakfast. She’s come down with somethin’. We think she has the flu.” Granny Smith eventually came down, but didn’t stay for long before heading back up to Applebloom’s room, bringing some apple slices and a glass of water with her.
Rainbow Dash didn’t really feel like telling Twilight about Derpy’s safehouse. She couldn’t imagine any good coming of it. It would do nothing but embolden Twilight’s lust for revenge. She considered bringing up the disappearer though, considering the only other future she could see in front of her was prison. Either way she wouldn’t be able to stay in Ponyville. There are no prisons in Ponyville. There’s only one prison in Equestria, because there’s not a lot of crime. The thought of leaving behind her friends and family filled her with a lot of anxiety. She needed a cigarette.
“You really should eat something, Applebloom.” Said Twilight, nudging the apple slice on Applebloom’s abdomen closer to her mouth.
“Ugghhh.” Said Applebloom.
“She ain’t sposta eat anythin’.” Said Granny Smith. “Feed a cold. Starve a fever.”
“That’s not true.” Said Twilight, “You’re always supposed to eat when you’re sick. Especially since she’s been throwing up so much.”
“Well that’s how we did it in the old days.” Said Granny Smith.
“Well, luckily for your granddaughter, these aren’t the old days. I think we should take her to a hospital. She doesn’t look well at all.”
“Should we really be in the same room as her?” said Fluttershy, “What if we catch something?”
“We’re older and tougher. We’ll be fine.” Said Applejack. “She needs help more than we would. I don’t think we can take her to a hospital though, not without gettin’ permission from the police. Maybe we could call a doctor over for a house call?”
“Won’t you worrywarts shut up? It’s just a fever. All she needs is a little shuteye and she’ll be good as new. I went through tougher when I was her age and it never did me any harm.” Said Granny Smith.
“I’ll believe it if I hear it from a doctor.” Said Twilight. “She needs to go to the hospital. She’s-” CRASH. Something in the hallway was audibly knocked over. Everypony turned to look at the door right before Rainbow Dash barged in Kramer-style.
“POISON!” she yelled, and flew over to Applebloom, knocking Twilight and Granny Smith out of the way roughly. “APPLEBLOOM ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” She shook Appebloom violently. Twilight and Applejack both grabbed her and yanked her away from Applebloom, who fell back onto the mattress, visibly shaken, before vomiting off the side of the bed. Fluttershy helped Granny Smith back up.
“What is wrong with you?” said Twilight. “Don’t shake her like that. She’s very sick.”
“She’s not sick she’s poisoned! It’s ricin! The- It’s-, you just gotta believe me! You gotta tell the doctors it’s ricin!”
“Slow down, Dash.” Said Applejack. “What in tarnation are you blabberin’ about?”
“Let me talk to her.” Twilight said, dragging her out of the room. Rainbow Dash barely managed to speak in a whisper the moment they were out in the hallway.
“The cigarette! It’s missing! The ricin cigarette! It’s gone, I checked again and again and again it’s definitely gone!”
“When was the last time you saw it?” said Twilight.
“What?”
“The ricin cigarette. When was the last time you saw it. When did you lose it? Did you stil have it after you came here?”
“Uh, I don’t know. The last time I checked was the last time I smoked, which was uh, yesterday morning.”
“In the laundromat?”
“Yeah, yeah.” Rainbow Dash was stuttering and moving around frantically and nervously.
Twilight paused in thought for a little bit. “Fuck, she moves fast.”
Twilight dashed back in the room and pulled Applebloom out of bed.
“She’s going to the hospital. We’ve made up our minds.” Applejack and Granny Smith tried to protest but it was pointless. Twilight and Rainbow Dash had adrenaline on their side. They were out the door and past the police with Applebloom on Rainbow Dash’s back before Fluttershy could say “Umm… excuse me?”
Twilight exposited breathlessly as she desperately tried to keep up with Rainbow Dash on foot.
“Ricin takes a lot of time to kick in. If Applebloom was poisoned, it would have had to have happened before we were put under quarantine. I sent in that tip as soon as I could, but it looks like Derpy had already made her move by the time she fired me. She was already setting things in motion. We were too late.”
“Derpy Hooves? She didn’t even know about the ricin.” Rainbow Dash responded. Neither of them cared that Applebloom could hear them.
“Yes she did. She knew we were planning to kill her. She told me herself. She knows. She probably swiped it from you while she was talking to you at the laundromat. Appebloom needs to go to the hospital right now. We don’t have a lot of time. If she was poisoned yesterday we only have a day at most to save her.”
“Why would Derpy Hooves poison her?”
“Don’t know. Maybe she was trying to poison Applejack and got the wrong pony, maybe she was trying to make Applejack angry and do something stupid, maybe she was just trying to cause chaos. Fly her to the hospital. I’ll go back and make something up. Please be quick.”
Rainbow Dash was out of sight the moment Twilight finished that last sentence. Twilight stopped, caught her breath, turned around, and ran back to the house.
Twilight had accrued quite a lot of practice lying to her friends. History’s greatest knitters would have been proud of the yarn she spun. Rainbow Dash, she explained, had found an empty vial labelled “ricin” in Applejack’s bedroom, and, thanks partly to experience she had gained from a brief but fruitful unpaid internship in a detective agency back in high school, deduced that somepony shady had broken into the house before the anonymous tip was called in and slipped some poison into Applejack’s afternoon cider. Applebloom, being an audacious and slightly naughty filly who viewed alcohol with youthful curiosity, had surreptitiously downed the cider and replaced it with a fresh glass soon after, as she had apparently done several times before. The advantage of the lie was that it didn’t require Applebloom’s account of events to corroborate it. Of course a filly would lie about underage drinking. Twilight had even broken Applejack’s bedroom window before meeting the others to deliver her story, to further add credibility to her tale.
Rainbow Dash arrived after the conclusion of the story, but before the uproar of the audience had subsided. She was a fast pony, that one. She barged into the living room, panting.
“Applebloom has been poisoned!” she said.
“We know!” said Fluttershy, “Who would have done this?”
“Are you crazy?” said Pinkie Pie, “It was Derpy Hooves! Of course it was her! She tried to kill Applejack! She poisoned Applebloom!” Pinkie Pie was slow to anger, but when she boiled over she was downright demonic. She was frothing with rage.
“She needs to die!” said Rarity. “We can’t wait around here any longer! I won’t tolerate it!”
“Y’all are right.” Said Applejack, coldly. “She’s gone too far this time. This is beyond the law. This is personal. Spike, send a letter to Princess Celestia immediately. We need the elements of harmony.”
Everypony looked at Fluttershy, except for Spike who was busy doing what he was told. Fluttershy nodded silently. Even she knew what had to be done.
Twilight had really missed having magic. It was an intoxicating feeling. It was like being on uppers. It was like a paraplegic walking again. She felt so in control. The elements of harmony conferred flight, extremely powerful telekinesis, and a grab bag of all sorts of other powers. Everything that had previously seemed so impossible was as easy as just thinking about it. It gave Twilight an incredible rush, to rip the door off Derpy’s safehouse and drag her out onto her front yard. Ponies with guns ran out to fire at them, but it was pointless. Their guns turned to stone before they could pull the trigger, and their bodies followed suit. Derpy Hooves struggled in vain against the telekinetic grip and cried out as she faced the same fate as her lackeys, and transmogrified into a stone statue, permanently baring a face of sheer panic and confusion. It was just so fucking easy.
Next, they visited the laundromat. Twilight wasted no time reducing the building to a pile of ash. Applejack protested, citing it as important evidence, but nopony listened to her. The bloodlust was overwhelming. The last thing they did before returning the elements of harmony back to Canterlot was deliver Derpy’s statue to the royal courtyard.
The remains of the laboratory were exhumed and examined by the task force, and Derpy’s house and safehouse were both raided. She was posthumously found guilty of methamphetamine trafficking. No evidence of Twilight or Rainbow Dash’s participation in the operation remained in the burning hole in the ground that had previously been the laboratory. Derpy’s top employees were arrested, found guilty, and imprisoned, except for Finger Flyer, who maintained his innocence, and was released from jail after the authorities failed to find sufficient evidence for his collaboration with Derpy Hooves. Derpy’s organization never recovered.
For her outstanding work, Applejack was awarded the celestial order, the highest honor a pony of Equestria could receive.
The statue of Derpy Hooves was shattered and destroyed the night after it arrived in Canterlot. The culprit was never found. Applebloom died the next morning.
The last place in Equestria that Finger Flyer wanted to be was in Ponyville. But he was in Ponyville. His family was in Manehattan, his comrades were in prison, his heart was in Filliedelphia, and Derpy Hooves was in hell. In Ponyville there were the cops, the task force, the gangsters swarming over the corpse of Derpy Hooves fallen empire like scavenger insects on carrion, and worst of all, Twilight Sparkle. He didn’t want to talk to any of these, but he’d been forced by circumstance into talking to the third.
A lot of ponies were in prison. That by itself was not the end of the world. Criminals go to prison a lot. Drug dealers say the prison is the other side of the street. Derpy Hooves was far too intelligent not to plan for an eventuality as predictable as that. The problem was this:
When ponies go to prison, they can either collaborate with law enforcement and snitch on their comrades, or they can stay silent. If they do the former, they get a reduced sentence, but everypony else is fucked over. If they do the latter, they don’t get anything. Strictly speaking, there’s no benefit to not snitching, especially considering it’s practically guaranteed that some other fuck is gonna snitch on the same damn ponies if you don’t, meaning your comrades are gonna get in the same hot water either way. This is why even though everypony not snitching is better for the group than everypony snitching, snitching is in the advantage of every individual pony. This is called the “fucking piece of shit snitch dilemma.”
Resolving this dilemma has been a perennial problem for criminal organizations ever since the first caveponies decided to team up to extort the venerable Boulder Cavepainting out of his precious shiny blue rock that is also pointy. Non-snitchery has traditionally been enforced through cultural means. Exile the snitch, shame the snitch, dishonor the snitch. Nopony wants to be the snitch, even if it means they get to go home for Hearth’s Warming. But this tactic only works if your organization contains no shameless opportunists, willing to throw away their tough-as-nails reputation for personal gain. Some ponies just don’t give a fuck about their honor. For this reason, Derpy Hooves relied on a more effective, albeit expensive strategy.
Every high-level employee (anypony who knew enough about the organization’s inner workings to name names that mattered) had hazard pay. Hazard pay means that if shit hits the fan, you get paid extra for the trouble, on the condition that you keep your head down and don’t squeal. The policy could be described thusly:
Never squeal on the pusher, don’t lie to your momma, just do whatchu wanna, and it’ll be okay.
Except that you will likely have to lie to your momma and you cannot do whatchu wanna.
There were 13 ponies in prison who mattered. I won’t name them, it’s not worth the time, but trust me when I say that they knew shit that Finger didn’t want Canterlot to know about. As long as they had their hazard pay, they could all be trusted to stay loyal, even after their boss was turned into a rock garden, since they all had an incentive not to become blabbermouths.
The problem: there was no hazard pay. Somepony in the financial team had gotten sloppy with the operational security and the task force found a sticky note with the offshore bank account numbers on it. That’s all it takes for decades of work to fall apart. One lazy asshole.
So Finger Flyer needed money, and to get money, he had to be in Ponyville, playing along with this obsequious soft-spoken earth pony named Crusoe Palm, who couldn’t have been older than twenty. He was brown with a blonde mane and his cutie mark was a tropical island with a lone palm tree. No coconut, even though his mother supposedly called him Coco.
“Please, come inside!” said Crusoe, gesturing for Finger to enter his quaint little wood-paneled house. He was wearing a white apron and a chef’s hat.
“Uncle Magic and the others are in the dining room. Denim isn’t here yet, but I think Uncle Magic is just gonna start without him. He doesn’t like waiting. Whenever we go to a restaurant he never waits for everypony to get their food, he eats his food when he gets it. Speaking of which, I’m gonna finish up dinner.” Finger didn’t have much trouble finding the dining room. It was partially visible from the foyer.
Magic Palm was sitting at the far end of a rectangular table. There’s something you really need to know about Magic Palm. He was light brown with a gray mane, an earth pony like all the members of the Palm family. Most importantly, and most strikingly to anypony who saw him, was his cutie mark. I’m afraid that no matter the rating of this fic, I cannot tell you what it is. It was so shocking, so heinous, so horribly, tastelessly offensive, that even a short description would get this whole story deleted off the internet, my house raided by various federal agencies, and several particularly weak-hearted bronies put in the hospital. It was like if a swastika had a baby with the NAMBLA logo (look it up, it’s hilarious), and when the baby grew up it took so many anabolic steroids that its testicles shriveled up into raisins. Even the hardened criminals with whom Magic worked could rarely stand to stomach the sight of it for long, and found excuses to look away. This cutie mark was the true, piercing, crystal clear representation of Magic Palm’s soul. He was a bad, bad guy. When he went to the grocery store, he never put the plastic divider between his groceries and those of the pony in front of him. He just let the cashier work it out. He never tipped more than 10%. He didn’t brush his teeth, he didn’t say please and thank you, and he never ate fruits and vegetables. His drugs were laced with fentanyl, his dealers were paid minimum wage, they sold to elementary schoolers, and he, as a rule, attempted to solve every single problem with violence, resorting to peace only as a last-ditch effort. He was exactly the kind of scum that would never have achieved any sort of prominence whatsoever if the competition hadn’t all died in the span of less than a year. The Shimmers were all dead, the Cloudsdale mafia were all dead, and Derpy Hooves’ continent-spanning empire was utterly defunct. Magic Palm was attempting to pick the bones of the fallen giants like the vulture he was.
“We’re so happy that you decided to agree to work with us. Thank you.” Magic didn’t say. What he actually said was:
“I knew you’d come crawling back.”
This wasn’t a very accurate assessment of the circumstances, but Finger swallowed his pride regardless. He needed hazard pay.
“You know what you’re here for.” Magic continued. “Our customers are getting testy. And we got a lot more than we ever had. My nephew can’t make enough to meet demand, and the shit he cooks is garbage. Even the tweakers notice. We wanna expand, we wanna meet demand, but we ain’t got a network, we ain’t got enough crystal, and the crystal we’re cookin’ isn’t good enough. All the methheads in Equestria’ve got such fucking high standards now. Dragon crank ain’t satisfying them. We need to spread our wings. But not literally. I don’t wanna hire any more of you fucking pegasus cunts than I need to. So hurry up and name names. ”
“For starters,” Finger Flyer began, “if you wanna expand this business, we’re gonna need to start by defining territory. To manage a distribution network, you need to know where your customer base is, where your dealers are going to work, and how they’re going to be organized. The bigger your territory, the more you’ll have to delegate, the longer distances you’ll have to transport, and the more points of failure you’re gonna have in your organization. We’ll start with transportation. Derpy Hooves had contacts in the postal service who helped her deliver large quantities of product across Equestria, and she primarily distributed far away from where the management and production was headquartered, for greater opsec. Our contacts in the postal service have unfortunately been compromised. That means if you want to deliver outside of just Ponyville, which is not a big market, you’ll need to use mules.”
“I don’t hire mules.” Magic wasted no time.
“Pardon me.” Said Finger. “I meant movers. They don’t need to be literal mules. They just need to pull carts and not draw suspicion. Now, I have with me a list of contacts I’ve made over the years that I think will be useful for this project of ours. If you’d like to take a look...”
“Dinner!” Crusoe Palm came in with a platter of sandwiches, assorted fruit slices and berries, and a lovely salad. Then he went back into the kitchen and quickly brought in a basket of nuts and a plate of cookies. It was a lovely meal.
“Crusoe, what kind of paste-eater puts on a chef’s hat to make sandwiches? Why do you do this shit? You insist on wearing goggles to make meth, too. The fuck is wrong with you?” Magic was justified in the first point, if perhaps not in the second. Crusoe took it in stride and removed his hat and apron without complaint. Finger continued to hold his tongue.
“Lemme see that list.” Said Magic, reaching over the table with one hoof and knocking over a bowl of raspberries, simultaneously picking up a sandwich with his other front hoof and chewing it with his mouth open. He gave the list a once-over and then a twice-over, and didn’t wait to swallow his food before he started kvetching.
“You got dealers, movers, money ponies, whatever. Here’s the cooks. Which one of these is Glitter Hawk Lips?”
“Glitter Hawk Lips, unfortunately-“
“Good afternoon, boss!” A blue earth pony who was presumably the previously mentioned “Denim” showed up with a bottle of liquor. Magic made no delay in jumping over, snatching the bottle of liquor, and then smacking the poor stallion in the head with his hoof.
“Don’t interrupt us. Sit over there. Finger Flyer’s about to tell us about Glitter.”
Finger Flyer continued after a beat.
“Glitter Hawk Lips, unfortunately, is retired. She is no longer in the business. However, I can put you in contact with many cooks with decades of chemistry experience who-“
“Nope.” Said Magic, who threw the list onto a plate of pear slices, staining it very slightly. “No Glitter, no deal. I want her meth. Stop wasting my time.”
“Glitter Hawk Lips is no longer interested in-“
“Don’t care. Bring me Glitter.”
“I can vouch for these-“
“Don’t care. Bring me Glitter.”
Magic Palm proved to be uncooperative. Finger made a long sigh, but was careful not to sound too disrespectful.
“I’ll see what I can do…” he said. He knew deep down that it had been naïve to think Magic Palm might accept not having Glitter Hawk Lips. Time for plan B.
Rainbow Dash was so incredibly crossfaded that Finger didn’t even need to move to dodge the empty bottle she threw at him, even though she was only a few feet away.
“Go fuck yourseffff!” she slurred out.
“I understand. Do you-“
“I never- I never wanna see you- I never wanna see you again biiiiitch! Fuck outta here! If- If that- If that fucking Twilight sends, like, if she- bitch! If she tells another fucking one of her- if she-“ Rainbow Dash vomited violently over the floor of her apartment building’s hallway. “Fuuuck. Do you know whem my onion rigs are getting here? I ordered them like an hour ago…”
“Do you know anypony else who can cook Twilight’s formula?” Finger wanted to finish this conversation before Rainbow Dash remembered that she was angry.
“Uhhhhh…” Rainbow Dash laughed. “She didn’t teach it to nopony. She was- She was fucking. She never teach it to nopony. Fucking tight as a loooock. Minty knew and she- she was- Only I knew. And Twilight. Twilight knew and Twilight and I knew.”
“Thank you for your time. I’m sorry for interrupting.”
“Yeah fly bitch! Run away- Fly away! Ha ha ha haaaaa… fly awayy… run biitch…”
Rainbow Dash went inside without closing the door behind her. Finger made care to step over the vomit and broken glass in the hallway as he exited. That was plan B and C shot. The only option left was his last resort. He really really did not want to do this, but the only other option was prison. He had no other choice. He had to do the unthinkable.
“May I speak to Twilight Sparkle?”
“Are you a criminal?”
“No.”
“I don’t believe you. Go away.” Spike slammed the door on him but Twilight’s hoofsteps audibly crescendoed behind the wooden door. She opened it up no more than ten seconds later.
“Finger Flyer!” she exclaimed. Spike smashed his own head against the wall.
“I knew it!” he said.
“What’s up! Is there a job! Is there a new boss? Do you need me for something?”
“Yes.” Finger Flyer said, using all of the strength in his body and mind to not go apeshit. “I may in fact… need you to cook again.” Twilight practically pranced.
“I’m in.”
“Great…” It had gone even worse than Finger Flyer had feared.
There were not a lot of old ponies in the game. Not many ponies made it that long. By middle age, most either quit, got iced, or got a dime dropped on them and ended up in the slammer. Somepony like Finger Flyer was truly exceptional. He excelled at organization. He had Magic Palm’s string of lowlives and lumpenproles singing like a steam train in months. He assembled a network of traffickers, a tree of distributors with clearly defined territory, and he had contacts in the chemical industry who could deliver pure reagents in bulk with minimal overhead costs. Profits were astounding, and arrests were down. Everypony was happy, except for the one pony who was never happy.
Twilight fucking hated her new partner. Rainbow Dash had never killed anypony she hadn’t been explicitly told to. As of minutes ago this was no longer true of Crusose Palm.
“Lift him up by the scruff of his neck. Try to get him in headfirst.” Twilight said, a little muffled because her mouth was holding the bodybag.
“He’s bleeding a lot.” Crusoe said after he got the corpse’s front legs into the bag.
“That’s what happens when you shoot somepony.”
“It’s making a mess.”
“Well you should have thought of that before you shot him. Help me lift up the bag and shake. That’ll get the rest of him in.”
“Sorry, Mrs. Sparkle, but-“
“Doctor Sparkle.” Twilight corrected him. She was not a doctor in any way, shape, or form, but she thought that she deserved to be, and of course he didn’t know.
“I’m sorry, Doctor Sparkle. I didn’t see any other way to deal with the situation. I saw him, I had to make a decision, I took action.”
“You took action all over our lab. Look, there’s blood in one of the graduated cylinders. What are the odds of that. One in a million. It had to fly out at just the right angle. We’re gonna be in here late cleaning this up.”
“Sorry, Doctor Sparkle.”
“You didn’t have to shoot him. We could have… I don’t know. Detained him and called Finger. Something!”
“I’ll start cleaning the floor.” Crusoe never wasted any time trying to get work done. Twilight didn’t join in to help. She needed to plan.
The more ponies know about your meth lab, the worse the operational security. That’s what Finger had said. In the laundromat, the ponies who worked there knew there was an area they weren’t allowed in, but they didn’t know what it was for. It was the same system in the ice cream shop.
Push Pop was a sweet old pegasus who had a history of not asking questions. Ever since his younger brother died, he had regularly received large amounts of money in the mail, enough to keep his ice cream shop afloat. It had been Push Pop’s lifelong dream to run an ice cream shop, but he had always had a hard time making a profit. He insisted on only the most high-quality ingredients and the most affordable prices. He was beloved by the foals of Ponyville for his good-natured attitude and excellent frozen desserts, but a few months ago the money stopped coming in the mail, and he once again began struggling to pay his bills. His mysterious benefactor must have fallen on hard times.
Push Pop had been desperate to keep his business afloat, which is why he agreed to let a few ponies use his basement space, under the condition that he not be allowed in. Push Pop was more than happy with the arrangement. He had decades of experience in minding his own business and not asking where money came from. If opportunity fell in his lap he wouldn’t bat an eye. He wouldn’t look a gift pony in the mouth. Push Pop didn’t have a suspicious bone in his body. Unfortunately, he was also quite forgetful, and one afternoon, he forgot about one of the rules. And now he was in a bag.
“Oh, this is bad, this is so bad! Who’s gonna run the store now? He signed for the deliveries, the bills are all in his name, he’s the legal owner of the property! Now the store’s gonna be… well actually I don’t know. But I don’t think it will be good for us!” said Twilight.
“What do you think we should tell Mike?” said Crusoe.
“Nothing. We don’t- Wait. Who’s Mike?”
“Sorry, I mean Finger.” Crusoe had a hard time remembering Finger Flyer’s name. What even was a finger?
“Nothing. We don’t tell anything to Finger. We take care of this. We’re gonna get away with it, and the first step is to deal with this body.”
“You wanna bury it?”
“Believe me, that’s easier said than done. Burying bodies is hard work, and I think it’s gonna be just about impossible for us, since I don’t have magic anymore and you have a bad knee.”
“Sorry.”
“In any case we’re in the middle of a busy square. We can’t really carry a rotting corpse outside without attracting any suspicion. If we want to get the body out of here we need it more… manageable.”
“I could cut it up.”
“That’s a good start,” said Twilight, “but I have a better idea.”
Hydrofluoric acid is not a necessary ingredient in methamphetamine, but no decent chemistry lab would be found without it. Indeed, Twilight Sparkle had requested HF on day one, as she knew someday she would likely need to melt something. She would like to say she didn’t imagine she might use it to melt a pony, but honestly, the thought had occurred to her quite a few times before. HF is just really good at melting things.
It took over an hour to chop up the body, put the pieces into two big barrels, and pour over a dozen gallons of HF into the barrels. At first she had estimated that they could get the job done with just two gallons, but that had turned out to be a gross underestimation. The smell was unbearable, it needed to be stirred numerous times to introduce the deeper parts of the body to the acid, and the barrel overflowed a few times during stirring. They were both wearing hazmat suits because they weren’t stupid, but it was still really gross and required a lot of cleanup. The acid mixed with the blood and dissolved bone and tissue to create a pink slush. It had the appearance of a strawberry and banana smoothie.
It was late at night when they finally finished the job.
“Alright. Chemical waste pickup is in five days. Until then, we keep these barrels sealed up and kept in the corner. Good night, Crusoe.”
“What are we gonna do when ponies want ice cream tomorrow?”
“They’re gonna find a closed store and go about their day. They’ll be disappointed, but they won’t call the cops.”
Twilight’s prediction came true, and although there were some disappointed fillies and colts that morning, nopony got too suspicious or made a fuss. It was winter after all. (AN: I had to check to see what season it was in previous chapters, and I just noticed that in chapter 1 I referred to the current season as both spring and summer. I have since corrected the mistake. The story now began in spring, and the current moment as of this paragraph is in late winter.)
“Sorry, Ms. Sparkle.” Said Snails, “The great and powerful Trixie has told us that you are no longer a client anymore. We can’t let you in to see her.”
“Tell her it’s an emergency.”
“Well, I would.” Snails hesitated, “but uh… I won’t.”
“And why is that?”
“Because uh… it doesn’t matter if it’s an emergency? I still don’t think I can let you in to see her.”
“Fifty thousand bits.”
“Oh great and powerful Trixie! It’s an emergency!”
Trixie cracked open her office door to peak her head out, and Twilight opened it up all the way and stormed in.
“Aiiiieee!” Trixie exclaimed. “What part of ‘we’re done’ do you not understand! Get out of here!”
“We’re done when I say we’re done.” Said Twilight. “Can you forge a will?”
“I can and I won’t! Get out! Snips! Snails!”
Twilight closed the door behind her.
“I don’t have time for this. I need you back. I’ve gotten into trouble and I want to pay you large amounts of money to fix it like you always do. It’s easy money. Just work with me on this, it’s been months.”
“Oh, no. Absolutely not.” Said Trixie. “I told you, and I meant it when I told it to you. I’m not working with you anymore. We are done!”
Twilight got up real close and put her hoof to Trixie’s throat.
“Don’t make me repeat myself.” She said. “We’re done. When I say we’re done.”
“But I don’t even know anypony named Crusoe Palm!” Soda Pop protested. Push Pop’s only living relative, she had made the trip out from Cloudsdale to see her dead father, only to discover that not only could she not see his body, but he had left all his property to some young earth pony she’d never met, nor even heard about in one her father’s letters, and he was a prolific letter-writer. She was feeling quite upset.
“I’m feeling quite upset!” she said. “Who the heck even is this?”
“It’s never easy to say this.” Said Trixie. “He was your father’s lover.”
“WHAT‽ But that’s impossible!”
“I know he probably kept it a secret from his family. He was scared of being honest about his sexuality”
“No, I mean my father couldn’t have sex anyway! He had a botched circumcision!”
“Well, then he must have been a bottom. Right Crusoe?” Crusoe nodded but kept looking at the floor.
“Wait.” Said a purple pony by the door. She looked like the town librarian, but much… sicker. “If your father had a botched circumcision, how did he have you?”
“It was an adult circumcision.” Soda Pop explained.
“But-“
“His will expressed his wishes very clearly.” Trixie steered the conversation back on track. “You get the money, but you’re not allowed to step foot in the ice cream store. He left it to his lover, Crusoe.”
“I can still go there for ice cream, right?”
“No. It won’t sell ice cream anymore.”
“Then what will he do with the building?”
“That’s Mr. Palm’s business. As for you, you’re sitting on five grand.”
“This is outrageous! I won’t sell my father’s legacy to a stranger for five grand! I don’t believe my father even wrote this will at all!”
“Ahem, uh, Mrs. Trixie?” said Twilight. “I think you may have misread the number. It was actually fifty thousand.”
“Well… Maybe…” Soda Pop began to reconsider.
“I mean one hundred thousand.”
“One hundred thousand bits!” Soda Pop exclaimed. “He’s not gonna have a funeral is he?”
“No ma’am.”
“Good. I’m going to Las Pegasus. Nice to meet you, Mr. Palm. I trust my dad knew what he was doing. By the way, where do I pick up my money?”
“I gave it to Ms. Sparkle over there, in cash.”
Twilight didn’t carry around hundreds of thousands of bits in cash, so she sent Crusoe Palm to her treehouse to get the money. It wasn’t the first time she’d sent him to her house to pick up money. Both of them were rich beyond belief, so Crusoe had no reason to steal, and Twilight had no reason to care if he did. Twilight hated the commute home. Her cancer was getting worse, and physical activity was taking more of a tax on her every day. She preferred to never walk more than she had to, so she often sent the (relatively) healthy and spry Crusoe Palm on little fetch quests for her. Spike had given up trying to antagonize Crusoe long ago. He was a meth cook but at least he was polite. Spike certainly liked him better than some of the other ponies that sometimes showed up at the house. He was a little bit off-putting, but Spike liked that he called him ”sir”.
“100,000 bits?”
“Yes, sir.”
“She must be in a lot of trouble. Yesterday she promised somepony 50,000 bits.”
“Oh, it’s just business. Would you rather I take it from the crawl space or the refrigerator?”
“The refrigerator filled up, but the crawl space has plenty of space left. Take it from the refrigerator.” Spike enjoyed watching Crusoe struggle with the refrigerator. It had been very easy for Twilight to unscrew the door and take the cash inside the empty space back when she had magic, but now it was practically impossible. Crusoe had to remove the door from its hinges, and then unscrew sixteen different screws, which is extremely difficult if one doesn’t have fingers or thumbs. Also, keeping the refrigerator open for that long led to a blast of cold air, which froze up Crusoe’s joints and made it even harder. He never complained though. He had a lot of gumption.
Crusoe’s phone started ringing.
“Can you get that Spike? Wait, no!” he said, dropping his work to pick up the phone.
“Hello? Oh, Spike. Can you leave the room for a minute? It’s business stuff. Thank you. Hello?”
“This isn’t a secure line.” Said Finger. “I need you to call me from the lab phone. I called but you didn’t pick up.”
“I’m not at the lab. I’m at-“
“It’s not a secure line. Don’t say where you are. I have a bag at the lab and I need you to pick it up and bring it to me at you-know-where. Rendezvous number one. Speed is important here. The bag is in the rightmost locker in the laboratory.”
“I’ll take care of it.” Said Crusoe, even though he wasn’t sure how. Finger hung up after that. He was not interested in chit-chat.
Crusoe was far from the lab, and even further from the rendezvous point. (AN: Hey, rendezvous. That’s a funny word. It’s definitely French, but I wonder about its specific etymology. It looks like a verb phrase scrunched into one word to me. I bet the ‘vous’ at the end might be the formal you ‘vous’. Okay I looked it up and I called it. It is indeed a scrunched-up verb phrase, which means “present yourselves”. So a rendezvous point is the point wherein people present themselves. Interesting.) It would be completely infeasible for him to leave Twilight’s treehouse with the fridge door still ripped off, travel kilometers to the ice cream store, retrieve a bag, take it to the rendezvous point, go all the way back to the treehouse, remove the money, and then go BACK to the ice cream store. No way. He had a bad knee. Instead, he did what any other pony would have done first, and called Twilight.
“-have a bad knee. Can you please take it to him? I’m still struggling with the fridge.”
“I wish I had never thought of that damn fridge idea. Yeah, give me a few minutes, did he say where the bag was?”
“It’s in the rightmost locker.”
“Okay, thank you. Goodbye Crusoe.”
“Goodbye.”
Unlike Finger Flyer, Twilight always made sure to say goodbye before hanging up the phone. She knew the bag he was talking about. That was Finger’s go-bag. She rummaged through it her first day in the lab, because she’d been told not to. It had papers, a bunch of cash, and a gun, among other less important things. If Finger wanted it, it meant they were in trouble, and he was heading out, which was good, because she had no idea how she was going to hide Push Pop’s death from him.
The rendezvous point was at the edge of the Everfree forest. A lot of very shady business happened over there because the law didn’t really try and control it. It was a sort of semi-wilderness where normal social mores were more relaxed, and ponies who existed outside of polite society could congregate, much like the Great Dismal Swamp back in the 18th and 19th century Southern United States, which I’m sure you’ve heard of. Twilight left Trixie to keep Soda Pop occupied. She was an entertainer. She was good at that sort of thing.
As quickly as she could manage, Twilight s'est rendue.
“Why did I have a feeling it would be you who showed up.” Said Finger.
“I was closer.”
“Well, tell Crusoe that I’m out. He and you should be getting out too. The task force raided my home a few hours ago. I don’t think the ring’s gonna last much longer. They’re bringing the heat down on everypony. Tell Trixie too. She wasn’t at her office.”
“I’ll tell them. Who’s gonna run distribution if you go?”
“Nopony. It’s over. They know everything. You gotta get out. My prison contacts have their hazard pay, you have more than enough money to last you the rest of your life no matter what the hell you blow it on, everypony you have a grudge against is dead. It’s over. The only thing left to do now is leave town. We knew this couldn’t last forever. Trixie knows somepony who can make anypony disappear. Get in contact with her. If you stay, they’ll catch you.”
“I can’t leave town. I have friends. I have connections. I have a life. Unlike you.”
“Suit yourself.” Finger took the bag from Twilight and turned to walk away. “You know how they say, ‘it’s been a pleasure’? Well, it hasn’t. Goodbye, Twilight.”
“So that’s it?”
“Yep. That’s it.”
“So what am I gonna do? The task force is ‘coming down on us’ and you’re just gonna leave us? This is the first I’m hearing about any of this! How am I supposed to deal with them?”
“You can’t deal with them. Not this time. Applejack knows, Twilight. Not just about the ring. About you. Get out before she finds proof. That’s the last advice I’ll ever give you.”
“Bullshit!” Twilight screamed at him. “You’re lying!”
Finger Flyer was a humble pony. He was good at keeping his cool. But the sight of Twilight’s face contorted into irrational rage was intoxicating to him. For just a brief moment, and for the first time in twenty years, Finger Flyer failed to swallow his pride. And he smiled.
“You called Crusoe at all in the last few days?”
Twilight said nothing.
“That’s what I thought. The phones are tapped. Applejack knows your voice, Twilight. She knows who you are. And something tells me that when she catches you, she won’t show lenience.”
Finger paused to let the tension hang in the air for a beat. “You know, considering you killed her sister.”
“MOTHERFUCKER!” Twilight leapt at Finger and tackled him to the ground, striking him in the head. He dropped the bag from his forelegs and frantically kicked up at Twilight, hitting her repeatedly. She gasped and coughed violently as she stumbled back.
“THAT’S RIGHT, SHE KNOWS ABOUT THAT!” Finger gloated, unable to stop his own words from coming out. “APPLEBLOOM HAD AN AUTOPSY YOU KNOW! APPLEJACK KNOWS IT WASN'T RICIN! THEY ALL DO!”
“YOU LYING TRAITOROUS PIECE OF SHIT!” Twilight yelled back at him. She dived for the bag. Finger reached for it but she headbutted him with the stump of her horn, cutting his face in two places, and causing him to jerk back in pain. She unzipped the bag and reached for the gun. Finger’s hoof collided with her face, but she managed to keep the gun in her mouth. Finger didn’t keep trying to fight. He took off without hesitating and flew into the air, but he wasn’t fast enough. Twilight fired six shots, three of which made contact, and Finger plummeted back down to the ground before he had made it four meters into the air.
The only sound for a while was the two of them gasping desperately. Twilight’s lungs felt like they were filled with sand. Finger made the most horrible noises as he choked on his own blood. One of the bullet holes was in his airway. When Twilight finally regained her strength, she spoke. This time, calmly and softly.
“I’m sorry, Finger.” She almost whispered it. “It wasn’t supposed to happen like this, you know. It wasn't supposed to be enough to kill her. She was supposed to get better. I didn’t want it to end up like it did.”
Finger continued gasping.
“Applejack still doesn’t know where the lab is.” Twilight said. “I made sure to never say the address. I was never tailed either. It’s not over yet…”
“Twilight...” Finger Flyer said, in between breaths.
“Yes?”
“Shut the fuck up and let me die in peace.”
Three days later, the chemical waste pickup crew picked up four unmarked sealed barrels from the ice cream store.
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Chapter 11: SHE CAN'T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!
“-to confirm that yes, Canterlot Laboratories is under federal investigation by the Task Force for Enforcing Narcotics Prohibition in Equestria. We are working in complete collaboration with law enforcement officials, and are doing absolutely everything we can to assist them in finding out just what happened. Not I nor any other pony in the senior leadership of Canterlot Laboratories had any idea of what was going on. We offer our sincerest condolences to all of the ponies who have had their lives torn apart by methamphetamine. We promise you that the task force will find the ponies responsible, and bring them to justice.”
Bud Dryer was usually good at press conferences. He was a ponies pony (that’s the Equestrian version of a people person). This particular press conference, however, felt like pulling his own teeth out. It was humiliating. And it was never supposed to happen. This was the speech he was supposed to never have to give.
“Pencil Vania, Canterlot Herald.” Said Pencil Vania of the Canterlot Herald, “You continue to deny your involvement in Derpy Hooves’ methamphetamine ring, but reports from the Canterlot Auditor General show major discrepancies in the budget reports that you signed and, in some cases, that you personally wrote. If you weren’t aware of the chemical shipments illegally leaving your laboratory, why did you repeatedly cover for these expenses?”
“I did not write those budget reports.” Bud Dryer lied. “I did indeed sign them, but I did not check the math. If there were discrepancies in accounting, I didn’t know about it. Call it negligence, but I did not make any attempt to ‘cover up’ missing chemicals. These accusations against me are totally baseless, not to mention politically motivated. Canterlot Laboratories has long been the target of shameless political opportunists from Canterlot’s corrupt bureaucracy. They are exploiting this crisis for personal gain, by attempting to assassinate my character, and the reputation of the Canterlot scientific community. Next question.” Bud was sweating profusely. This felt like it was taking forever, and he had only answered the first question.
“Hailstorm, Cloudsdale Chronicle. If you go to prison, who’s going to take your place as director of Canterlot Laboratories?”
“I’m not going to prison,” Bud Dryer said matter-of-factly, “but after the conclusion of my post, Doctor Morningstar will take over as the director of Canterlot Laboratories. This illegal witch hunt has thankfully left him unsullied, and so I hope that he will not be subjected to the same injustice as myself and some of the other innocent members of our city. I have faith that he will treat the position with the same level of respect and integrity that I did. But I assure you, I won’t be going to prison.” Two questions were good enough, Bud Dryer thought to himself. It was a good enough segue into what he came here to do. “Ms. Crimson has some envelopes. Ms. Crimson, if you would?” Bud Dryer carried the three envelopes out of Ms. Crimson’s mouth with telekinesis. He gave the first two to a security guard. “This one is for my wife. This one is for Doctor Morningstar. Thank you.”
This was the speech he was supposed to never have to give. Derpy Hooves was so careful. Back in the day, when somepony got suspicious about budget reports or inventory numbers or contradictory shipping information, somepony would come over and straighten things out, one way or another. For years, things ran so smoothly. So few ponies were in the know, so much money was coming in, and the money was all so cheap. But now Derpy Hooves was dead. There was nopony left to take care of things, to seal in the little cracks, to prevent molehills from becoming mountains. Derpy would have known what to do. She would have had a plan. That cunt Magic Palm had nothing, except poor dental hygiene. Now the dream was over, and there was only one thing left to do. He opened up the third envelope.
“Please leave the room if this will affect you.” He said. Then he removed the gun from the envelope and shot himself.
Rainbow Dash woke up in jail. This is always a negative experience, but it’s much worse when one doesn’t remember falling asleep in jail. Rainbow Dash’s first ten seconds of consciousness sucked, to put it plainly. Her head throbbed with pain, her mouth was incredibly dry, she was groggy, her vision was blurry, the light coming in through the tall thin window was extremely bright, it looked it like was early afternoon, and her body felt totally sapped of energy. The cell was drab. Less drab than a jail cell on Earth, mind you, but still very drab by pony standards. Despite the unusual circumstances, Rainbow Dash began her morning the same way she began every morning, by trying to obtain coffee.
After a brief overview of her cell, Rainbow Dash deduced that it had no coffee machine. She laid her head back down, moaned, and then came up with a second plan to get coffee.
“COFFEE!” she yelled.
“Comin’ up.” Said Applejack. Good old Applejack. She was always eager to help a friend out. OH SHIT.
Rainbow Dash would have jumped out of bed in realization, but she really didn’t want to move. She was in custody, which meant that she got licked, and Applejack knew. She was going to be convicted for cooking meth and go to prison, and Twilight probably was too.
“I got your coffee.” Applejack opened up the cell with her hooves, carefully balancing the paper cup of coffee on top of her muzzle, and placed it in front of Rainbow Dash, who was laying loaf-style on her blanketless bed, so that she did not need to get up to start sipping the coffee. She blew on it to cool it down, but it seemed it was already the perfect temperature. Applejack had put in plenty of milk and sugar, just the way Rainbow Dash liked it.
“So,” Applejack said, as Rainbow Dash sipped her coffee, “you given any more thought to what we talked about last night?” Rainbow Dash laid there dumbfounded.
“…what?”
“You given it any more thought?”
Rainbow Dash stared blankly, then took another sip of coffee, then continued to stare blankly.
“Dammit.” Said Applejack. “You don’t remember anything, do you?” Rainbow Dash shook her head. Applejack sighed. “Okay, the long and the short of it is that I know you used to cook meth for Derpy Hooves, and I know that Twilight is still cookin’, although I don’t know for who.” This was a very threatening thing to hear from a friend who just got you coffee. “There’s a lot I wanna talk to you about.” Rainbow Dash was terrified, but she didn’t stop drinking her coffee.
“Can I have a water too?” she said.
“Of course.” Applejack continued to talk even after she moved out of sight to fetch a glass of water. “Last night they picked you up tryna buy oxycontin off a pony you kept callin ‘Lil’ Bussin’’ or somethin’ like that. Too bad for you, his name wasn’t Lil’ Bussin’, it was Officer Ironhoof. I heard you were in custody and came to talk to you about Twilight. Somethin’ tells me things aren’t goin’ that well between you two. You ain’t been leavin’ your apartment much, you ain’t been talkin’ to nopony, and you ain’t been talkin’ to Twilight. I don’t know if you know this, Dash, but most ponies think you two were… well… you know… and that what was goin’ on now was a kind of uh… breakup? I thought that was what was goin’ on myself a long time. Too long a time. But I know what happened now.” Applejack struggled to keep a friendly tone for as long as she spoke, but now she dropped it altogether. “I know Twilight is Glitter Hawk Lips.”
The two of them were best friends, yet they faced each other as if they were strangers. Both of them were anxious, terrified that if they said the wrong thing everything would fall apart. Applejack showed little emotion, but Rainbow Dash knew her face well enough to tell that her eyes were unusually still, held in place by intention, almost as if she were paralyzed from the neck up. She chose her words carefully.
“Listen,” said Applejack, “I know that this wasn’t your idea. It was her. It always was. For almost a year she’s been cookin’ meth and gettin’ innocent ponies killed. She betrayed me, and it looks like she betrayed you too.”
Rainbow Dash kept her mouth shut, but she couldn’t stop her body from shaking. Applejack continued.
“I know she seems invincible Dash, but she’s not. She’s not above the law. We can take her down. Together.”
Rainbow Dash sipped her water.
“Rainbow Dash, sooner or later you and Twilight are both goin’ to prison. You both broke the law, you both hid the truth from us, and I know that probably tears you up inside. But only one of you has blood on her hooves. I won’t lie to protect you, Dash. I couldn’t do it. But I still don’t hate you, Rainbow Dash. I don’t want revenge on you. I want revenge on the piece of shit who murdered my sister.”
“WHAT‽” Rainbow Dash spilled water over the bed.
“She poisoned Applebloom, a filly, just to manipulate her friends. She did it instead of turnin’ herself in, instead of tellin’ us the truth. She abused your loyalty. She abused our friendship. She needs to face justice.”
“NO! NO! WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Twilight didn’t kill Applebloom, Derpy did! I know she did! I-I can’t tell you how I know, but I know! You don’t know my side of the story, you don’t know anything! Shut up! You don’t know Twilight!”
“I know enough.” Applejack snapped. “I know more than you seem to think I do, and I promise you, if you think the past is never gonna catch up with y’all then you’re dead wrong. She’ll go down alone or y’all’ll go down together, I’ll make sure of it. If you want to keep battin’ for a murderous meth cook above your loved ones, go ahead. You’ll die in prison alongside her. She doesn’t care about you, Rainbow Dash. She only cares about herself.”
“You don’t understand-“
“I hear yelling over there, is she awake? Are you talking to her? Get out of my way!” Trixie barged in, panting. “Good, you’re up. Don’t tell her anything, you’re free to go. You were free to go last night but you passed out. Don’t talk to my client! Out out out!” Trixie had been dozing off in the waiting room, and had been woken up by Rainbow Dash’s outburst. She dragged Rainbow Dash out of the jail and into the streets of the outskirts of Ponyville where the town’s singular jail sat.
“What did she say to you? What did you say to her?” Trixie said frantically as soon as they were far enough away. She didn’t stop moving, nor did she allow Rainbow Dash to stop moving.
“She knows Twilight’s Glitter, and she knows I worked with her.”
“That’s old news.” Trixie said. “Twilight knows she knows. You didn’t confess anything, did you? You know that’s why she wants to talk to you. She wants proof. She wants it real bad.”
“I pretty much didn’t say anything the whole time.”
“Pretty much?”
“I asked for a coffee and a glass of water.”
“That’s my girl.” Rainbow Dash didn’t mention the bit about Applebloom. It didn’t seem like the kind of thing to mention.
“Where are we going?”
“My office. We’re gonna do that thing we talked about yesterday.”
“What did we talk about yesterday?” This line stopped Trixie in her tracks, albeit not for long. She sighed.
“You really need to stop drinking.”
Twilight hoped that shopping for a refrigerator wouldn’t be considered suspicious behavior. At the very least, she doubted it would hold up in court. In any case, she was already formulating an excuse for what happened to her previous fridge, since somepony was bound to ask at some point. The obvious answer was that it broke, and she had to throw it away, but what if they ask where? She could say she didn’t know, but that would be a little suspicious. Twilight wasn’t the kind of pony to forget where she threw away a fridge. And if she chose a random dumpster, they might check it, find no fridge, and get suspicious. It was probably not a big deal, but you could never be too careful. You never knew what kind of things might get brought up in court and make your whole story fall apart.
She ought to have bought a new refrigerator a week ago, but she’d been weak from the chemotherapy. It hit hard, then it slowly relented, and if she wanted to get anything done, she had to do it in the days before a chemo appointment, since she’d be out of commission the days after it. Since she buried her fridge, she’d just been eating out, which was probably good, since it meant plenty of witnesses seeing her engaged in normal, unsuspicious behavior. That might turn out helpful, right?
She didn’t necessarily have to bury her fridge, but again, the chemotherapy. She was feeling like death and she needed to hide her money ASAP, so she didn’t bother unscrewing the door. She didn’t even disconnect it from the fridge. She just had Trixie teleport the whole thing out and bury it along with the crawl space money, which Trixie had put into big metal drums. Presumably, Snips and Snails or one of the other ponies Trixie had on her payroll did the actual burying. That was less than ideal, since that meant there were ponies besides Twilight who knew where the money was, but it’s not like she could have done the job herself, since she was far too physically unfit to do any digging. Plus she never knew when she might be tailed. Task force ponies could always be watching. It was best to delegate as much as possible.
With the money gone and the lab cleaned of all evidence, the worst-case scenarios were now significantly less likely, but the feelings of anxiety and rushedness had yet to dissipate. She couldn’t stop thinking about Rainbow Dash. She was almost certainly never going to see her again. Today was the day she was supposed to disappear.
“But how fast is their running speed?”
“It’s not great, but they have vehicles to move around.”
“Like planes?”
“Sometimes, yeah. They use cars and buses more often, though. Planes are kind of a rare thing unless you’re a pilot for a living.”
“Interesting.”
Rainbow Dash was flicking through the brochure Trixie gave her. It was very large, but nevertheless seemed extremely cursory and surface-level. She supposed it must be difficult to advertise an entire dimension in any sort of concise way.
“Tell me more about planes.” She said. They only had a very brief mention in the brochure, but Rainbow Dash found them to be an intensely captivating concept.
“I don’t know anything else about planes, sorry. I don’t know anything I didn’t read in that brochure. Look at this. What are these? Hoof trimmers? You’re not gonna have hooves!” Trixie was rummaging through Rainbow Dash’s luggage. She’d packed pretty much at random. She had no idea what she would need. She didn’t even know what she needed now.
Rainbow Dash wanted to tell Trixie that she didn’t want to do this, but she didn’t. She couldn’t bother. She didn’t want to do anything else either. For a long time now, reality had felt like a malaise, a poison, a miasma. The longer she stayed in it the more painful it was. Existence itself was something scary, totally unfaceable. Rainbow Dash didn’t want to leave her life, but she didn’t want to stay in it either. She didn’t want to be present in her own life. She didn’t want to exist at all. It didn’t really make a difference to her whether she lost her body, her home, and her connections. Those things didn’t matter to her anymore. Every day felt exactly the same, her apartment felt like a prison, she didn’t talk to her friends anymore. She didn’t have anything to talk to them about. She didn’t live in the same world as them. She didn’t think that she ever would again. Every day she woke up, drank, smoked, took pills, ate food she didn’t enjoy, and tried to distract herself from the fact that she was a living, self-aware being. Sometimes she lacked the energy to sleep, sometimes she lacked the energy to eat, she almost always lacked the energy to think clearly about what she wanted. It was all too difficult. She didn’t want to do this, but she didn’t want to do anything else. She didn’t say any of this to Trixie. She didn’t know how.
“You can’t bring drugs or alcohol. You can get them in the other dimension, but don’t try and smuggle them in. The disappearer is really particular, she might not accept you if you carry around illegal stuff. It might compromise things.” After all the things Trixie had thrown out of Rainbow Dash’s luggage, she’d reduced her number of bags from three to two. Most of what she was bringing was money. It was very important.
“Okay.” Said Rainbow Dash. She didn’t care.
“That’s gonna include your weed too, Rainbow Dash.”
“Okay.” Rainbow Dash still didn’t do anything.
“I mean give me the weed you’re carrying on you.”
“I don’t know what you mean.” Rainbow Dash lied. Trixie sighed. It looked like Rainbow Dash was gonna get away with it.
“Whatever. Just don’t try anything stupid with her. Show up, with all your stuff, at the abandoned cottage in the Everfree Forest, at exactly 5:12 PM. That’s when we agreed. After that it’s in her hooves. You have an idea where you want to live?”
“California.” Said Rainbow Dash. “It looks warm.”
“Great.” Said Trixie. “I assume you get a choice in that. It’s your life after all. If not you can always move.”
Rainbow Dash thought about California. Maybe it would be nicer there. After all, she never killed anypony in California. Maybe all her pain was in Ponyville, and if she left, she would leave it behind. It was a nice thought, even if she didn’t really believe it. Besides, California had beaches. Beaches were nice. It had been a very long time since Rainbow Dash had gone to the beach. It had been a long time since she’d gone anywhere, not for fun. Maybe she’d start living a life where she went places, and did things. Maybe she’d feel like she really belonged there, instead of feeling like an intruder. Maybe she’d hang out with friends, make art, laugh at jokes, go to nice restaurants, spend time at the beach. It was a nice thought, even if she didn’t really believe it.
Before she left, Trixie gave her a hug. It made Rainbow Dash want to cry, but she didn’t.
Rainbow Dash was very early. 45 minutes early. That’s a lot of time to spend standing still in a forest. Rainbow Dash hated being alone with her thoughts more than anything else. She desperately wanted the mysterious disappearer to arrive. She wanted another face and name to be there. She wanted to be distracted. But she wouldn’t be here for a while. Rainbow Dash looked at the trees. They looked pretty, but she could only look once. She couldn’t keep their prettiness inside of her. She couldn’t be happy just from pleasure. It came, and then it went away, and the world was empty again. Rainbow Dash wished she was high.
She had her weed, but she didn’t have her grinder or rolling papers or anything of the sort. Actually… Actually she didn’t have her weed. It wasn’t on her anymore. She had her cigarettes, but her weed was gone. She must have dropped it. Unless somepony had taken it from her of course.
Rainbow Dash left five minutes later.
The door swung open so violently that it knocked Trixie’s shot glass over before she could pour vodka into it.
“Did you forget something? What are you doing back he-“ Rainbow Dash clocked Trixie in the face so hard that she crashed onto the floor.
“Wha-“ Rainbow Dash sent another hoof flying into her jaw. Blood came out of her mouth.
“STOP! SNIPS! SNAILS! CODE RED! GET IN HERE!” The two guardponies did make it into the office, but not before Rainbow Dash pulled a gun,
“STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!” Rainbow Dash yelled at all three of them.
“WHAT’S HAPPENING? WHAT DID I DO?” Trixie screamed.
“YOU STOLE IT OFF OF ME! YOU TOOK IT OUT OF MY POCKET!”
“WOAH WOAH WOAH! CALM DOWN! YES, IT’S TRUE, I TOOK YOUR WEED, I TOLD YOU I COULDN’T RISK HER NOT TAKING YOU! YOU CAN HAVE IT BACK!”
“NO! BEFORE! THE CIGARETTE!” Rainbow Dash’s speech was cracked, forced. There were tears in her eyes. “THE RICIN CIGARETTE! YOU TOOK IT FROM ME AT SWEET APPLE ACRES! THAT FAKE FUCKING HUG! YOU SWIPED IT OFF OF ME FOR HER ! AND ALL BECAUSE OF THAT PIECE OF SHIT TWILIGHT SPARKLE! SHE MURDERED APPLEBLOOM! SHE MURDERED APPLEBLOOM AND YOU HELPED HER! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU!”
“Okay, c-calm down Rainbow Dash.”
“TELL ME ONE MORE FUCKING TIME TO CALM DOWN! I DARE YOU! TELL ME AGAIN TO CALM DOWN!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Yes, I took your cigarette, but Twilight made me! She forced me to do it, I didn’t know what it was for! You gotta believe me, I never would have done it if I’d known what she was gonna do! Please! I didn’t want any of this!”
The room was silent but for the sound of heavy breathing and whimpering for a long time. Much was said without anypony saying anything. Rainbow Dash never fired the gun, but she did take Twilight’s house keys from Trixie’s desk drawer before she left, saying nothing more except “BACK UP! DON’T MOVE!”
Twilight’s phone rang, but she declined. She was shopping for a refrigerator. If it was truly important, then whoever it was would send a text.
Gasoline, gasoline, make my world clean
Burn it all away, make it unseen
Drown my quiet dread, take me out of my head
Gasoline, gasoline, make my world clean
Rainbow Dash repeated this ode as she poured the gasoline. The floor, the bookshelves, the couch, all over the upstairs. It would be more than enough. The treehouse was made of wood after all. It would burn until it was reduced to nothing. Then it would only exist in memories.
Rainbow Dash lit a cigarette. She thought about death. She thought about Applebloom.
“RAINBOW DASH!” The voice was Applejack’s. She busted in with a gun pointed to Rainbow Dash. She had followed her from Trixie’s office. “STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOIN’ AND FACE ME!” Rainbow Dash faced her. She held her cigarette with a wing as she tried to speak. It was very difficult, and she found it took great effort to force out words.
“IT WAS HER! IT REALLY WAS HER! SHE… SHE KILLED APPLEBLOOM! SHE POISONED HER! A FILLY! SHE DID IT JUST TO… JUST AS A MOVE!” Tears were streaming down her face
“I know, Rainbow Dash. I know. Please, put out that cigarette. Just put it out. Don’t do this.”
Rainbow Dash began sobbing violently. So much so that for a while she couldn’t say anything. She just bawled and bawled.
“Rainbow Dash, I don’t wanna fight you. You don’t wanna fight me. Just put it out, and we’ll talk about this.”
Rainbow Dash couldn’t keep her eyes open as she yelled.
“SHE CAN’T KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH IT!” Rainbow Dash took several messy deep breaths. “She can’t keep getting away with it!”
“She won’t. I promise you she won’t.” Applejack kept her gun up, but it was shaking. “If you wanna take her down, let’s do it together.”
Rainbow Dash crushed the cigarette. Applejack lowered her gun. Rainbow Dash leapt at Applejack, who instinctively flinched, but she didn’t attack her. She hugged her. She squeezed her so tight that Applejack could barely breathe, but she made no protest. She cried and cried and cried, matting Applejack’s fur with her tears. Soon, Applejack started to cry too. It was all she could do in that moment just to provide Rainbow Dash with a little relief. It had been so long since the two of them had shared an emotional moment like this. It had been a long time since they had truly felt like friends.
“Am I gonna go to prison?” Rainbow Dash said through her tears.
“Probably…” Said Applejack. She would’ve liked to lie to Rainbow Dash, but she never learned how. “I’m sorry.” Rainbow Dash didn’t ever want to let go of Applejack. There was nothing to look forward to in her future, nothing in life that really mattered to her, but nevertheless, just for a moment, she could take comfort in the embrace of somepony who loved her. Just for a moment, she could be free from the pain of being alive, and experience warmth, comfort, and compassion. She kept on crying even as Applejack carried her out of the library on her shoulders, and carried her to Sweet Apple Acres.
For dinner that evening, Applejack made soup. It was the best thing that Rainbow Dash had ever eaten.
“Now that’s a fridge.” Said Twilight. “You know, I’m glad I buried the old one. I can’t believe I ever lived with it. This one is so much better.”
“Twilight?” said Spike.
“A drink dispenser, an ice dispenser, a touch screen, a wine chiller, a built-in flash freezer. Yep, this is probably the smartest purchase I’ve ever made.”
“Twilight!”
“What?”
“Do you smell gas?”
“Spike, we don’t even use gas here. It’s a treehouse. We have a convectio- OH you mean gasoline! Yeah, I do smell it.”
Spike shot Twilight a look.
“Uh oh.” She said. She had been so distracted by her fridge she didn’t realize her floor was doused in gasoline.
“Don’t send any dragonfire messages.” She said. “I need to check my phone.”
Applejack woke up much later than she usually did, but Rainbow Dash was still asleep. She had gotten very little sleep the night before. She went to bed a lot later than usual, listening to everything Rainbow Dash had to tell her, and when she did try to sleep, she was tormented by awful thoughts and uneasy, yet short dreams. Truth be told, Applejack hadn’t been getting much good sleep at all for a long, long time. She had gotten used to powering through with very little sleep. Adrenaline provided her with energy.
Big Macintosh hadn’t slept at all. That was his way of doing things. He went for long periods without sleeping, then slept dreamlessly for hours and hours and hours. It wasn’t good for him, but he couldn’t stand being alone with his thoughts. He had to do things, all the time. He couldn’t stand to be in bed unless he could transition instantly into unconsciousness. He had spent most of the night compiling everything that Rainbow Dash had told them into files and written statements. When he’d finished with that, he walked to the Everfree Forest to retrieve the luggage that Rainbow Dash had left there. Nopony had told him to do it, but it felt like something that needed to be done. He brought a gun and a camera in case the mysterious disappearer were there, but she was a no-show. The luggage was right where Rainbow Dash said she left it. When Applejack woke up for the last time (her sleep was never uninterrupted), she could hear him putting Rainbow Dash’s things away in her room. She was sleeping in Applebloom’s old room. Applebloom’s possessions were still in there. Nopony at Sweet Apple Acres knew what to do with them.
“Aren’t you worried you’re gonna wake her up?” said Applejack.
“Nope.” Said Big Macintosh. Rainbow Dash hadn’t gone to sleep until 4 AM, but once she did, she was out like a light. Evidently she subscribed to Big Mac’s philosophy of sleep.
“Well,” said Applejack, “when she does wake up, I’ll make sure to be ready with some coffee.”
When Rainbow Dash did wake up, it was 1 PM. Applejack wasn’t sure what to feed her. It didn’t seem right to eat lunch food first thing in the morning. Rainbow Dash didn’t want to eat anything at all, but Applejack couldn’t let a friend stay at her house without something to eat, so eventually she just gave her an apple. Rainbow Dash chewed it slowly and thoughtlessly.
Applejack’s mind continued to race. It hadn’t stopped racing since the day before, even as she slept. Rainbow Dash had told her everything. Every piece of the story was like a puzzle piece fitting together. She and Big Mac had already worked out a broad overview of what had happened. They knew about Sunset Shimmer, they knew about Derpy Hooves and Minty, they knew about Cloudsdale, and they knew about their sister. Hearing about Krazy-8, Diamond Tiara, the ricin cigarette, the boxcutters, and Trixie, it was like the wool finally being pulled away from their eyes. So many things finally made sense. Applejack knew that Rainbow Dash hadn’t gone spelunking, but she couldn’t find the real explanation. She knew it was suspicious that Twilight and Rainbow Dash had both assumed poisoning deaths were ricin-related, but didn’t know why. In a way, hearing about everything that Twilight and Rainbow Dash had done was like a weight lifting off of her back, like the world finally making sense, the grand conspiracy revealed. Yet, the more she heard, the more she felt a horrible pit in her stomach, as she came to truly understand everything that had happened, all the ponies who had gotten hurt, all of Rainbow Dash’s guilt and pain and suffering. She could hardly bear it. But she had to. She had a mission. With a credible witness, all she needed was physical evidence, and Twilight would finally face justice for everything that she’d done, and for all the ponies that she had hurt.
“You still don’t have a good guess where the money is?”
“Like I told you, I have no idea.” Said Rainbow Dash. “Trixie might know, but you won’t get it out of her. The only thing I know is that it’s buried. And that doesn’t really narrow it down. There’s a lot of ground in Equestria.”
Applejack thought.
“Well, at the very least, there’s one pony who knows where it is for sure.”
Twilight Sparkle and Spike were spending the day in a hotel. She had hired a pony to clean up the gasoline, and he wasn’t gonna be finished until the afternoon. There were a lot of good reasons why she wanted to spend the day in a hotel. For starters, she didn’t want to spend a day with a stranger in her house regardless, and more importantly, she didn’t want to get set on fire, whether it was on purpose or by accident. She kept Spike in the dark on who exactly wanted to set her on fire and why, but he was not particularly curious. He was not at all surprised that somepony wanted her to burn.
Twilight was stressing the fuck out. She had brought a lot of books to the hotel with her, but she wasn’t reading them. Instead, she was walking back and forth in the hotel suite. It was a fancy room, so he had lots of space to pace. She felt like if she lost her concentration for a second she was going to die, like the universe was going to cease to exist at any moment. Rainbow Dash knew she killed Applebloom. It was over. She needed to do something, but she had no idea what. Truthfully, she had no earthly idea of what the fuck her plan was. She had no plan. She was in a hotel room, walking back and forth, and if she stopped doing this, she died. That was as far as she could analyze the situation. The worst part was that she knew it was going to get worse. It wouldn’t get better; it could only get worse. She was just waiting for it. Eventually, her phone dinged, and the waiting finally paid off. It had gotten worse.
The new text wasn’t from Trixie. It was from Rainbow Dash. It was a picture. She had found the money.
“SPIKE! STAY HERE DON’T LEAVE!” is all Twilight said to Spike before she ran out of the hotel, her cellphone tightly nestled in her ear.
“Noticed the gasoline in your treehouse?” Rainbow Dash said over the phone. “It was me. I figured it out, Twilight. I’m not as stupid as you think I am.”
“Rainbow Dash-“
“I was gonna burn your whole fucking house to the ground. But I thought of a better idea. I know something you care about a whole lot more than your house. I’m gonna burn your money. The money you made by torturing me, and lying to me. Your blood money’s gonna go up in flames!”
“NO! RAINBOW DASH! NO! Listen to me! Think about what you’re doing! You-you-you…”
“If you hang up the phone I’m burning the whole pile right now.” Said Rainbow Dash.
Twilight Sparkle stuttered, but didn’t say anything coherent. She was running while texting Crusoe.
“Get over here now. Bring weapons.” She texted him. Beneath that message she sent coordinates.
“Rainbow Dash, we can split the money! We can take it and disappear! We can do anything that we want! If you destroy the money you destroy our futures! You destroy your future!”
“Here’s wad number one going up in flames! Ha ha!”
“NOOOO! Rainbow Dash I’m sorry about Applebloom, she wasn’t supposed to die! She needed to be sick, Derpy was gonna kill us! It’s not my fault! Listen to me!”
“I’m done listening to you. I’ve been done for a long fucking time. This time you’re gonna listen to me. Every five minutes I’m gonna burn another ten thousand bits. Better get over here fast if you wanna-“
The signal cut out.
“Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash! I didn’t hang up, that wasn’t me! Hello?”
Twilight’s lungs were burning, but she didn’t care. The money was more important. When she finally reached the spot, she collapsed onto the ground. She was panting hard. This was it. This was where the money was. But there was nopony there. The ground was unbroken. Maybe Trixie had buried it somewhere else, or maybe-
Shit.
Twilight frantically dialed Crusoe.
“It’s off. Nevermind. Ignore my text.” She didn’t let him finish saying anything before she hung up. She threw the phone on the ground and smashed it to pieces. It wouldn’t do much good now, but it was better than nothing.
Twilight Sparkle collapsed back to the ground and did not get up. There was no point. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Big Macintosh were running up. They slowed down as they approached. Twilight knew she couldn’t outrun Rainbow Dash. She doubted she could run any more at all.
“Twilight Sparkle,” said Applejack, her voice carrying a hint of pride that masked her sorrow, “you are under arrest for the manufacture and distribution of methamphetamine, first- and second-degree murder, and money laundering.” Applejack calmly walked over to Twilight and cuffed her legs. Big Macintosh looked at Twilight coldly from a distance. Rainbow Dash couldn’t look her in the eye. Twilight looked only at Rainbow Dash.
“Traitor.” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash still didn’t look at her.
“Ya like the pic we made?” Applejack said. “We took it in our backyard. The money is Rainbow Dash’s. I was worried the soil wouldn’t match up, but it looks like you didn’t notice.”
Twilight still looked only at Rainbow Dash.
“You’re goin’ back to Ponyville with me. We’ll get some members of the task force to come over here with some metal detectors and find the money. It won’t take ‘em too long. We got some good diggers, don’t we Big Mac?”
“Yep.”
“You ratted me out.” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash still did not look at her.
“Shut up.” Said Big Macintosh.
Rainbow Dash tried to relax. She knew Twilight was all talk, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that even though she was in cuffs, she was still somehow gonna get out of it. Her anxiety was the reason that she was the first to notice the caravan of ponies coming from the distance.
“What in tarnation?” said Applejack.
“No… no no no no no no no…” said Rainbow Dash.
“CRUSOSE! CRUSOE GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! IT’S OFF!” shouted Twilight Sparkle.
Applejack just stared at the approaching figures.
“Hey!” she said. “Who are y’all?”
As they got closer, Applejack could make out that they were carrying guns. She pulled out her own and crouched down.
“Freeze! Don’t come any closer!” She yelled. Big Macintosh pulled out a gun of his own. They didn’t stop their advance. There were seven of them in total, all earth ponies. The one in the front looked older, and his cutie mark was… oh sweet Celestia.
“FREEZE!”
“CRUSOE!”
“FREEZE!”
“CRUSOE!”
They just kept walking closer. Applejack and Twilight’s protests were entirely ignored. As they grew closer and closer, gripping their guns in their mouths, the tension in the air grew. Applejack and Big Macintosh narrowed their eyes and aimed their guns.
Rainbow Dash panicked, and took off into the sky. Immediately Magic Palm and his string began to fire off a hail of bullets. Big Mac and Applejack returned fire. Twilight, who was stuck cuffed on the ground, furiously tried to wriggle her way onto lower ground.
The gunshots were deafening. Shot after shot after shot rang through the air. Twilight was paralyzed by fear, her eyes shut tightly, pushing herself as far onto the ground as she possibly could, staining her coat with dirt and grass. When the gunshots stopped, the only sound Twilight could hear was the ringing in her ears. Hoofsteps, ambient noise, insects, breathing, they were all inaudible under the tinnitus.
“Big Macintosh!” Twilight could hear Applejack’s voice. “Are you alright?”
Big Macintosh didn’t respond. Applejack didn’t ask him again if he was alright. Twilight opened her eyes. The top of Big Macintosh’s head had been split clean open. He had several bullet holes in his body as well. There was no doubt that he was dead.
“It must be my birthday.” Said Magic Palm. He said this sarcastically, since it actually was his birthday, but Applejack and Twilight didn’t know this. “Two feds, right out in the middle of fuck-nowhere. You still breathin’, task forcie?”
“You bet your ass I’m still breathin’.” Said Applejack. Her torso had been shot in two places, and a third bullet had grazed one of her hooves, chipping it. Her blood was gently dripping onto the grass, and she couldn’t stand up, instead she sort of leaned on her front two legs.
“MAGIC!” Twilight crawled furiously over to where Magic Palm and Applejack were, no more than a meter away from each other. “Stop! You don’t understand!”
“Hi, Glitter.” Said Magic. “Got yourself licked, huh?” Magic Palm made that little tsk tsk noise.
“I called you off! I told Crusoe not to come!”
“We decided to be on the safe side.” He said. “Looks like it paid off. Your ass was goin’ to prison. You got a name, task forcie?”
“Her name is Applejack.” Twilight said, attempting a commanding tone. “And she’s off-limits.”
“My name is Agent Applejack,” said Applejack, “and y’all can go fuck yourselves.” Her legs were shaking, but she still managed to keep herself from falling down completely.
“NO, APPLEJACK! Be cool, be cool! Magic, I know her. Don’t kill her. We can work this out.”
“She’s a task forcie, Glitter.” Said Magic. “She goes free, you go to prison, we go to prison. She knows our names. She’s seen our cutie marks. Don’t matter if you know her, she’s a fed. And she’s all alone. Simple as that.” A pony behind Magic Palm removed an empty cartridge from a handgun and began reloading it.
“NO NO NO NO NO! Please! Listen, Magic! I have money! The money I made from cooking! Only I know where it is! It’s-it’s…” Twilight almost didn’t want to say it in front of Applejack. “One hundred million bits…”
The quantity of money was so obscene that Twilight felt a veritable twinge of guilt at saying it out loud. It was outrageous for anypony to have that much fucking money.
“It’s a good try.” Said Magic. “But I don’t think we’re gonna have much trouble finding your money. Those coordinates you gave my nephew? I thought they looked a little accurate.” He meant precise, not accurate, but he didn’t know the difference. “You knew where you were going way before you got here. I’m willin’ to bet we’re standin’ on your money right now. We can dig it up whether your agent friend is dead or alive. Denim, gimme the gun.”
“No! Applejack, tell him you’ll be cool! Tell him to let you live. You won’t turn him in if he lets you live!”
Applejack looked at Twilight.
“You want me to beg for my life? Is that what you’re sayin’? You want me to die kneelin’? Like a dog? This old piece of shit with- with… I can’t even say it, on his flank. He strolls up, murders my brother, and I’m sposta apologize to him? For what? So you can feel better? So you can get out of this somehow? Do you really think that you’re gonna get away with this? That’s not how I do things Twilight. That’s not how I was raised. I don’t lie, cheat, and manipulate my way outta trouble. I face it with honor. That’s what you never had the courage to do. You were too scared to do the right thing, too scared to be honest, and it was my friends and family who paid the price for your cowardice. After all the hell I’ve been through I won’t die like a dog, I’ll die like a real motherfuckin’ earth pony.”
“Applejack, it’s not too late. It’s… It’s not too late.”
“Twilight,” Applejack didn’t look at the gun pointed to her head, only at her former friend, “You’re the smartest pony I ever met. And you’re still too stupid to see. He made up his mind ten minutes ago.”
Twilight’s lip wobbled.
“Go ahead.” She said, looking at Magic this time. “I’m not afraid. Pull that trigger and send me to be with my brother and sister you son of a bitch.”
Magic Palm shot her through the head and she died instantly.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight screamed louder than the gunshot. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight squirmed in vain, with no true plan of how she wanted her body to move. She cried violently, scrunching her face against the grass, irritating her skin.
“Well that’s the two task forcies.” Said Magic. “Crusoe!” he yelled, “Where’s the pegasus?”
“MMMPH!” said Crusoe in response. He had a mouth full of wing. He was pulling Rainbow Dash towards them with his mouth and his front legs, and another blue pony was helping him. He was still quite a ways away. Rainbow Dash had gotten shot in the wing almost instantly after taking off, but her takeoff had so much momentum that she made it a relatively long distance before hitting the ground. Pulling her over had been slow going, even with two ponies. She was injured pretty badly, but she still resisted strongly, thrashing wildly all over the place.
Magic and the others walked forward to meet them. Rainbow Dash started resisting more fiercely when she saw Magic, but froze completely still when she saw Applejack’s body.
“Oh Celestia…” she whimpered so quietly it was almost inaudible. Only Crusoe heard her plea of despair, but he didn’t care.
“What do we do with her?” Crusoe said.
“She ain’t got no badge.” Said Magic. “I don’t know what she was doin’ here.”
“She was Doctor Spa-Doctor Hawk Lips’ former assistant.” Crusoe helpfully explained. “She used to cook with her.”
“Well in that case it ain’t our business.” Said Magic. “Hey, Glitter!” Denim pulled Twilight’s limp body over to where everypony else was. “You know this mare?”
Twilight craned her neck up, and nodded.
“You want her alive?”
Twilight was still for a long time, then she shook her head slowly.
“Well, alright then.” Magic picked up his gun again.
“Wait, Uncle Magic!” Crusoe protested. “Don’t you wanna know if she told the task force anything first?”
“What are you talkin’ about?”
“She was with those two feds! She wasn’t in cuffs or anything! She was probably the one that ratted Glitter out in the first place. Who knows what she told them.” As always, Crusoe was a very intelligent little stallion. It was a shame he had no compassion in his heart whatsoever for other ponies.
“Yeah, okay.” Said Magic. “We’ll take her back to base and interrogate her. Then we’ll kill her. That okay with you, Glitter?”
Twilight nodded.
Denim and Crusoe brought Rainbow Dash back to who-knows-where, and the rest of Magic’s crew dug up Twilight Sparkle’s money. Denim came back with carts that they used to transport the metal drums. As for the fridge, nopony could tell what it was for. They left it in the hole. Before Magic’s string left, they cut Twilight’s cuffs loose and left her with a canteen of water.
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Chapter 12: And All Because of That Piece of Shit Twilight Sparkle
“Get up. We’re here.” Lyra shook Twilight awake. Twilight jolted up, panicking for only a moment before calming herself back down. She had forgotten about her new body for a second. It was her first time waking up in a human form, and it was very disorienting. Demannulation could be a distressing experience.
“I’m up.” She said.
“Tell me your name.”
“Again?” Twilight complained. Lyra had been drilling her on the same questions over and over again since yesterday.
“It’s gotta be muscle memory for you. What’s your name?”
“Tabitha Sparks.”
“Your address?”
“314 Lawrence Street, Brooklyn New York, Apartment #301.”
“Phone number?”
“718-287-6962”
“Social security number?”
“115-90-5516”
“Very good. You have an excellent memory Ms. Sparks.”
“Thank you.”
Lyra really was impressed by Twilight’s memorization skills. Typically, it took a client weeks to learn their own background story. Twilight was very quick to adapt. She’d made it through airport security no problem, which didn’t always happen with clients. She had great difficulty with using her human body, but she’d get the hang of it eventually. Really, the toughest part of her relocation had been faking her medical records. Not many clients came through with lung cancer. She needed regular visits to an oncologist, and for that she needed a diagnosis from a human doctor.
The portal was in Canterlot on its Equestrian side, and it came out in a small Iowa town of the same name on its terrestrial side. The Equestrian government had yet to discover the portal, but it wouldn’t make much of a difference for Lyra’s clients if they did. Ponies had gone into the human world to search for disappeared ponies before, and they had never even gotten close to succeeding. The human population was staggering. Finding a disappeared pony was impossible unless you already knew their name and address. It was an extremely effective system, and it had made Lyra a lot of money, in both dimensions.
“Most of your stuff is already in your apartment. There’s a lot of things you’ll need in this dimension that you didn’t pack. As for your money, I already took my cut out of it, and I put the rest in a bank account. You can buy things with the cards I gave you. Stand up, we’re about to leave the plane. Get ready to grab your suitcases. It might be difficult.”
Twilight ended up holding up the plane a little bit while trying to get her suitcases out of the overhead compartment, much to the annoyance of the humans behind her. It made her anxious, but Lyra had assured her that no matter what, they’d never assume that she was a pony from another dimension. They’d just assume she was incompetent, and not ponder the reason. Twilight wondered if a lot of different ponies she’d known in her life had been from another dimension. It would explain a lot.
Twilight did eventually manage to drag her suitcases off the plane (Lyra helped a lot), and walked into… an airport that looked almost exactly the same as the airport she had left from.
“I’ll be honest with you. I was expecting flight to be more glamorous.” She said.
“There’s glamor, and there’s efficiency. Come on, there’s a driver waiting for us. You got your wallet?”
“Yes.”
“You got your passport?”
“Yes.”
“You got your phone?”
“Yes.”
“Excellent. Good job.” Lyra gave her a ‘thumbs up’ gesture, but Twilight wouldn’t understand what that meant until a week later. “Next up, we’re gonna drop off your bags at your apartment, and I’ll give you a very brief tour. Then, we’re gonna go to a coffee shop and get something to eat, and finally, we’re gonna stop by your new workplace. After that, you’re on your own, but if you need anything, send me a text. I won’t be very punctual in my response, because I move between dimensions a lot, but I’ll get back to you when I can.”
Twilight could not believe what she was looking at. Lyra insisted repeatedly that this was a library, not a castle, and that in fact there were no castles in New York, but Twilight had a hard time believing her. She had seen libraries, and she had seen castles. This was a castle. It was made of marble (or something that looked like it), with a gigantic staircase at its entrance, and three ornate arches leading to three doors into the library. Above the arches were six detailed statues of humans. How humans built this architectural marvel without magic was beyond her understanding, but she figured there was an explanation in one of the books inside. Inside the building, she was told, there were two and a half million books. That was more books than existed in all of Equestria. It was more books than anypony could read in their entire lifetime, and it wasn’t even the entire library. There were 91 other buildings spread throughout the city which contained the remainder of the collection, which added up to an astonishing fifty-five million books.
Twilight couldn’t believe her eyes. Lyra wanted to wrap things up after introducing her to her boss, but Twilight couldn’t resist dragging her all around the library. It was gorgeous. It was filled with amazing art, beautiful rooms, and so, so many books. The entire history of this dimension was recorded in detail. It was incredible. Eventually, Lyra had to separate.
“As glad as I am to see you having fun, I need to be back in Canterlot. Text me if you need me for anything. Until then, is there anything else you want to ask me before I leave?”
“Yeah.” Said Twilight. “Where’s Trixie?”
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”
“Why not? She’s my lawyer. I might need her for things. I have business to attend to.”
“Your business is your business, but Trixie has disappeared. She cannot be reached by anypony, not even you. You can do what you want from this point forward. You can even walk back into Equestria and get yourself arrested. But Trixie isn’t your business anymore. She paid me good money to get away from anypony trying to find her, and that includes you. Sorry.”
Twilight would normally have argued with Lyra, but she couldn’t find the words. She’d had a hard time finding words recently.
“Okay.” She said. And that was the end of it. Lyra left her in the library, with everything she needed for her new life, and she never saw her again.
“I’ve wondered about this for so long.” Said Pinkie Pie. “What do gems taste like? Are they sweet?”
“Actually, yeah.” Said Spike. “when you put them in your mouth, or just lick them, they don’t taste like anything, because they’re very hard. They don’t dissolve against your tongue like sugar does, but once you crush them down they break into powder, and it tastes sweet. It’s a lot like sugar but it has a different… vibe?”
“That sounds fun.” Said Pinkie Pie. “It must be cool to be a dragon.”
Pinkie Pie was not very enthusiastic. She wasn’t very enthusiastic nowadays. It made her seem creepy to those who knew her very well. She didn’t act like herself. But really, nopony acted like herself anymore.
They were eating at Rarity’s house, which they now did every Sunday. It had been Pinkie Pie’s idea. She thought that the most important thing they could do during such a difficult time would be to stick together. The worst thing that could happen would be to lose yet another friend.
Pinkie Pie was so desperate to fill the silence at these dinners. Fluttershy felt terrible about how quiet she was, but she could never say anything, unless she was directly responding to a question. She wanted to talk more, she wanted to fill the silence, but she just couldn’t. It made the whole dinner feel uncomfortable for her every time, and she felt bad about that too. She wished she could enjoy the company of her friends. They were so important to her. She cared about them so much, but she felt like she couldn’t even do the bare minimum for them. She couldn’t even have fun with them.
Rarity talked when she could. She would go on long tangents, tell meandering stories, and never let a topic go unless she had absolutely no choice. She liked to distract herself, with old memories above all else. When she was alone, she could only distract herself with work. She had become very successful. She had produced a great many new looks, and made herself quite a bit of money.
Sweetie Belle wasn’t at the dinner. She sometimes was, but she usually wasn’t. Rarity enjoyed her company, but she was repelled by the morose atmosphere of the meetings. She spent most of her time with Scootaloo. They were probably going to earn their cutie marks soon. Pinkie Pie would certainly throw a party for that.
“Oh!” said Spike. “You know, I just remembered. I should have brought this up earlier. I was talking to Cheerilee the other day, when I was at the market. I was buying onions and garlic actually. I’ll tell you guys more about that. But, I was at the market, and Cheerilee was talking about uh… the library.” Rarity shot him a glance to try and get him to change the subject. Spike got the message but continued anyway. “No, no. Um… I mean… She says that Celestia is sending a new librarian from Canterlot. Her name is Moon Dancer. So, the library is gonna reopen relatively soon. I don’t know when it’s gonna happen.”
Fluttershy burst into tears.
“SPIKE!” Rarity went off on him. “LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE!”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Fluttershy repeated through tears. “I’m sorry!”
“It’s okay, it’s alright!” Pinkie Pie said, moving over to hug her. “It’s okay.”
“We don’t talk about Twilight!” Rarity said to Spike.
“It’s fine. It’s not his fault. I’m sorry.” Fluttershy said. She felt terrible that Spike was being blamed for her own inability to keep it together, but she was crying too hard to defend him.
“I didn’t say anything about Twilight!” Said Spike. “If anything I was talking about the opposite of Twilight! I was talking about the-the-the creation, of a world, where Twilight’s absence wasn’t so… uh, visible. The holes she left are being filled. There’s gonna be somepony working at the library again, somepony who’s actually a librarian.” Twilight had never been a librarian. She just lived at the library. Spike had performed all the actual librarian duties, as well as all of Twilight’s household tasks. After she disappeared and it came to light that she had been cooking meth, the police had essentially set up permanent residence at the library, and Spike had moved out. After the police had investigated everything, and all of Twilight’s possessions had been seized by Canterlot, the library had just closed. Spike didn’t own it after all. Twilight was the one who paid rent. Instead he moved in with Rarity.
“I can’t not cry, everypony. I’m sorry.” Fluttershy said. “I cry at home. I have to cry here, too. I just- I just miss them so much.”
“We all do, Fluttershy. We all do.” Said Rarity. “If Applejack were here, I’m sure she’d tell us to stay strong. She was a persistent pony. She was a great pony. She was our friend.”
“I think she’s dead.” Fluttershy said, still sobbing.
There was a tense silence. Everypony know she was right. It was impossible that Applejack was alive. She was as dead as a doornail. They wanted to cheer up Fluttershy, but they couldn’t lie to her. It’s not what Applejack would have done.
“Rainbow Dash is too.” Fluttershy wiped her nose with a napkin, inaudibly apologizing for the gesture. “I just wish I knew where they were buried. I’d like to-I’d like to visit their graves.”
Rainbow Dash had been the hardest one for Fluttershy. They had been friends since they were fillies. Fluttershy had watched the years go by, as Rainbow Dash started drinking, started doing drugs, started to detach from her friends, and eventually started only talking to…
“I hope Twilight is still alive.” She said.
“I don’t.” Said Spike.
“SPIKE!” Rarity admonished him again. But he didn’t care.
“I hope she’s dead.” There was not even a mote of hesitation in his voice. “I hope Applejack got her revenge, in life or in death. I hope she shot the bitch through the heart.” Fluttershy couldn’t bear to hear any of this. “She murdered Applejack. She murdered Rainbow Dash. She made millions of bits cooking meth. I knew about it, and I didn’t do anything.”
“Spike, be careful what you say.” Rarity wasn’t just worried about Fluttershy’s ears. There were some things they didn’t want the police to know about. Some things that were known, but were better left unsaid. Spike didn’t leave them unsaid.
“I COVERED FOR HER. I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING THE ENTIRE TIME AND I DID NOTHING TO STOP HER. I DIDN’T TELL YOU GUYS. I DIDN’T TELL APPLEJACK. I WAS TOO SCARED TO DO ANYTHING, AND NOW APPLEJACK AND RAINBOW DASH ARE PROBABLY DISSOLVING IN A BATHTUB SOMEWHERE. I SHOULD HAVE SMOTHERED THAT BITCH IN HER SLEEP. I NEVER WANT TO SEE HER EVER AGAIN UNLESS SHES BURNING IN HELL!”
Spike raised his volume in a continuous crescendo until by the end of the speech he was outright screaming. His shaking hands were curled into fists.
“…I think she’s dead too.” Said Pinkie Pie.
“I wish I had your optimism, Pinkie.” Said Spike. “Because I don’t think she’s dead. The pink meth is still out there. I read it in the paper. She’s still making it. She’s out there somewhere, and wherever she is, I hope she’s suffering.”
The table was quiet.
“I didn’t know about the pink meth.” Said Pinkie Pie.
“I didn’t want to bring it up at the table. You know, since we don’t talk about Twilight.”
“Do you really think she’s cooking it?”
“Who else could it be?”
Rainbow Dash could see the peaks of mountains below her. It was cold so high in the sky, but Rainbow Dash felt warm so close to the sun. The exhiliration of flight made her heart pump fast. She felt like she was glowing. Long ago, she had dedicated her life to flight. Nothing else made her feel so alive. She could see all of Equestria zipping below her, so small at a distance, it couldn’t possibly harm her. From up where she was, the whole world wasn’t so hard to deal with. Life wasn’t hard. It was as easy as flapping her wings. She had total freedom. Nopony could possibly tell her what to do. They were all insects down there. She didn’t care where she was going, or where she came from. Anywhere she wanted to go, she could get there. The world was a playground. Nothing could hurt her while she was soaring high up in the sky.
Rainbow Dash woke up eight feet underground. They kept her in an oubliette. She had woken up on her own today, which was unusual. Usually they woke her up. Crusoe just shouted her name until she woke up. The others were more creative, whenever, for any reason, they had to do it. On multiple occasions she’d been woken up by clattering pots and pans. Once Magic Palm had poured cold water on her. In a way, she was lucky to wake up of her own accord and avoid these humiliations, but she was furious to have her dream interrupted. Her dreams were the only thing she had in her life. She had no chance of falling back asleep. It took her a very long time to fall asleep. Her internal clock told her it was roughly morning, even though she couldn’t see the sky. Rainbow Dash paced her oubliette and thought about killing Crusoe.
It didn’t take too long before Crusoe opened the trap door and let some light shine through from the florescent lights of the warehouse above.
“Oh good, you’re already up.” He said. “Sorry. I was a little late today. Personal stuff. I’ll send down the rope.” Every morning, Crusoe lowered a harness connected to a chain into the oubliette, and Rainbow Dash got in and was carried up to the warehouse above. She ate breakfast, and then she began the daily cook. She stayed in the harness until it was time to sleep, and she was lowered back down, and the trapdoor was closed again. Sometimes chemicals hadn’t been shipped in time, and she spent the day just walking around the lab. She was tied to a sort of scaffolding system in the ceiling, that allowed her to walk through the warehouse, but prevented her from leaving (or even touching two of the four walls of the building). Her wings were tied down with a chain, which caused her frequent discomfort. Her wings felt numb, unable to be spread, and the chain weighed her down constantly. Her right wing was still healing from the gunshot wound. Crusoe had put some gauze over it. She didn’t think she could fly even if her wings were free.
“It’s applesauce for breakfast today.” Said Crusoe, in the same polite, unbothered tone he always spoke with. “And over there there’s some sandwiches.” Crusoe pointed to a typically empty desk on which he’d placed a plate and three sandwiches. “I won’t be swinging by for lunch. We’re doing something. We need to- Well actually I’m not supposed to tell you. Sorry. But we’re not getting back until late tonight, so dinner’s gonna be late too. Anyway, same yield as usual, I’ll see you tonight. Bye!”
Crusoe talked to Rainbow Dash a lot, but she didn’t say much to him. She just ate her applesauce and thought about the fact that she wasn’t going to see him or any other one of Magic’s ponies for the whole day.
Cooking was second nature to Rainbow Dash. It was automatic. When she cooked, her mind always wandered. She imagined herself back home with her friends, she imagined herself flying through the air, she imagined California, and the life she almost lived. Today, she thought, not for the first time, about escape. It wasn’t such a tall order today. Magic’s gang was out today. If she got out of her chains she could escape. They wouldn’t know until night-time. Rainbow Dash felt herself filled with hope, for the first time in a long time.
Rainbow Dash gave up the cook entirely two hours in, to try and escape from her chain. Her first attempt consisted of tossing various acids at the chain with the hope of melting it, with limited success. Next, she tried to heat the chain on a hot plate, to weaken the metal enough that she could yank it off with force. That only resulted in her repeatedly injuring herself as she tried to break the chain by running full force out of her range.
Hours later, Rainbow Dash had begun trying to scale her own chain up onto the scaffolding, with the hopes of undoing the chain’s link to the ceiling. She had to use primarily her mouth to hold on to the chain as she shimmied up with all her body’s strength, gripping onto it with all four hooves and pulling herself up, bit by bit. Again and again, she fell down, sometimes a few feet, sometimes all the way back down, sometimes just a few centimeters, but she kept climbing. Her muscles burned. They weren’t used to physical exertion. But she kept climbing.
After an agonizingly long time, Rainbow Dash reached the top. She flung her front legs over the scaffolding, and pulled herself up on top of it. She was sitting right in front of the top of her chain. It was connected to a sort of hollow metal cube that could slide across the scaffolding, allowing her to move freely within the warehouse, but not leave it. There was no mechanism for unhooking it. The top link of the chain had been welded. The only way out would be to undo her harness, and she could only do that with the key that only Crusoe had. It was hopeless.
Rainbow Dash banged her head against the scaffolding repeatedly, causing reverberations all throughout the warehouse as the metal clanged repeatedly against her head, and then her hooves. She beat the scaffolding mercilessly, cursing it for imprisoning her. It had given her false hope, and now she could never complete the cook on time. She attacked the scaffolding again and again. Suddenly, it gave way. Two wire supports that connected the sort of metal pipe she was on to the ceiling snapped, and it began to creak, and then the pipe came off and crashed onto the ground, and Rainbow Dash with it. Rainbow Dash had the wind knocked out of her, but was otherwise uninjured. When she could breathe again, she slid her chain right off the pipe. She was still connected to the chain, but it wasn’t connected to anything. She was free.
Filled with adrenaline, she dashed out of the warehouse, seeing for the second time the compound that Magic Palm had brought her to. It had several buildings, of which her warehouse was only one, and the whole thing was surrounded by a chain-link fence. A pony needed a key to get in or out. Rainbow Dash ran full force at the fence, smashing her hooves into it. It gave way a little bit, but remained impassable. Rainbow Dash assailed it again and again, just as she had the scaffolding. Just a little more force, and she could get out of here.
She heard hoofsteps quickly coming up behind her. She stopped.
Apparently, ‘we’ did not mean everypony at the compound. A few ponies had stayed behind to keep a watch on things. A few ponies with guns.
“WELL?” Rainbow Dash challenged them. “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY! NOTHING ELSE IS GONNA WORK FOR YOU PSYCHOS! YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME!” Rainbow Dash had lost her will to live. All she had left in her was anger. “DO IT! JUST FUCKING KILL ME NOW! BECAUSE I’M NOT GONNA KEEP COOKING ANYMORE! YOU CAN BEAT ME, TORTURE ME, STARVE ME, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK! I’M NOT COOKING ANOTHER GOD DAMN SCRAP OF CRYSTAL FOR YOU BASTARDS! JUST PULL THE FUCKING TRIGGER! KILL ME LIKE YOU SAID YOU WOULD!”
Ever since Pinkie Pie was a little filly, she enjoyed baking late at night. Sometimes she didn’t want to go to sleep. Sometimes she wanted to bake banana bread. This was one of those nights. She knew that if she tried to get into bed, she would just toss and turn and grumble incoherently to herself. Why bother? Banana bread is a lot of fun to make. There’s a lot of mashing. And when it was done, she’d eat a slice, save some for her friends (she had so many that it was rarely serious trouble to find somepony willing to take baked goods off her hooves), and then she could go to sleep, once the sweet sensation of sugar had reminded her why life was worth living, and why it was worthwhile to make other ponies happy.
Baking was very comforting to Pinkie Pie. It reminded her of an earlier time in her life, living with her family on a rock farm out in the middle of nowhere. Back in the day, when Pinkie couldn’t sleep, she’d knock on her sister Maud’s door, and she’d always be awake, and she’d always be willing to keep Pinkie company while she baked, and she’d always say, “only if I can have some”. She wouldn’t help bake, she wouldn’t talk (unless it was one of those nights where she did nothing but talk), she would just sit around and listen to whatever Pinkie Pie had to ramble about, and then of course, when the treat was finished, she’d help Pinkie Pie eat it. The kitchen became a liminal space on those nights. The pitch darkness outside the windows made it appear as if it were the only place in the universe, and in the long hours of the night, time seemed to stretch on forever. Pinkie and Maud felt like they had eternity to themselves, just the two of them, safe in the knowledge that the other one was there, and in the feeling that the sun would never rise to terminate their moment. Maud didn’t talk much because she didn’t have to. Pinkie Pie knew that “only if I can have some” was how Maud said, “I love you.”
That’s why Pinkie Pie liked baking.
There was a knock on the door.
“I’ll get it!” Pinkie Pie said, although there was nopony else in the building besides her to answer the door. Mr. and Mrs. Cake worked at Sugarcube Corner, but they didn’t live there. They had an apartment close by.
“Can I help you?” Pinkie Pie opened the door to a brown earth pony with a blonde mane. She had no earthly idea what this pony could possibly want, hours after closing time, but she suspected that he was in some sort of baking-related emergency.
“Hi. Pinkie Pie?” he said.
“Yup!” She replied. Pinkie Pie thought it was a bit odd he addressed her by name. Did she know him? She knew practically everypony in Ponyville. She strained her memory for a little bit before it came to her. “Your name’s Crusoe right? You used to work at the ice cream store before it closed down!”
“Yeah.” He said. “I’m sorry if it’s late. You know, you’re very pretty.”
Pinkie Pie was starting to feel very uncomfortable.
“Thanks.” She said.
“Rainbow Dash mentioned you two were very close.” He said. Pinkie Pie instantly dropped her guard.
“You knew Rainbow Dash?” She exclaimed. “Do you know what happened to her?” Pinkie Pie opened the door more than a crack now.
“Of course!” he said. “She actually came here with me.”
“REALLY?” Pinkie Pie said excitedly. “Where is she?”
“She’s right over there.” Crusoe pointed. It was dark outside, but Pinkie Pie could see the faint outline of a few ponies.
“RAINBOW DASH!” Pinkie Pie’s excitement overpowered her own logic. She didn’t even close the door behind her as she bounded out towards the figures. As she got closer, she saw Rainbow Dash in between two stallions. She had a gag in her mouth, and she was crying. She was trying to make a lot of noise, but the gag made it so quiet that Pinkie didn’t hear it until she got close. Pinkie Pie froze in fear.
“Just so you know,” Crusoe said, “this isn’t personal.” Pinkie Pie turned around sharply, only to come face to face with the barrel of a gun. Crusoe shot her through the head, splattering her brains across the grass.
Rainbow Dash flailed wildly, to the point where she was hurting herself. She couldn’t make much noise through the gag, and she couldn’t move much in her chains, but she cried out in desperation as loud as she could manage. She couldn’t stand of her own accord, so the two stallions had to hold her up. Crusoe looked into the interior of Sugarcube Corner, trying to see if there were any witnesses. Then, he turned off the lights and closed the door.
“Remember.” Said Crusoe. “If you try to escape again, there’s still Rarity and Fluttershy.”
Twilight Sparkle hated Iowa. She had read about so many fascinating places on Earth, seen pictures and videos of astonishing landscapes, impressive cities, breath-taking landmarks, and beautiful works of art, and yet this was the first time since arriving on Earth that she’d traveled somewhere, and it was right back to the endless brown plain of Iowa where she’d started from. She would have liked to go to Paris, or Singapore, or New Orleans, but it never worked out. Maybe she would go to one of those places to die.
Twilight Sparkle was in a hotel room with another demannulated pony. Demannulation, of course, meaning the process of losing one’s status as a pony, coming from the latin “mannulus”. His name was Ballad Brownstone (although everyone else knew him as David), and she had paid him over a million bits just to bring her some newspapers.
“I made sure to take anything that mentioned you.” He said.
“Four, five, six…” Twilight counted the various papers. A million bits for six newspapers. “Did you pick up anything by word of mouth?”
“No, nothing.” Said Ballad. “I’m a wanted criminal, I didn’t spark up any conversations. I kept my head down.” That made sense, and was probably for Twilight’s own benefit, since if he had gotten caught he might have squealed on her and her entire dimension.
There was an unbearably awkward silence as Twilight realized she should have paid for more than one hotel room.
“Uh, you can go now.” She said. “That’s everything. Thank you.”
“Oh.” He said. “My flight back to Dallas isn’t until tomorrow morning.”
“Ah.” Said Twilight. At least they had separate beds.
Spike screamed so loud a little fire came out.
“RARITY!” He cried out.
“Good morning.” Said Twilight.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE‽”
“Just making some breakfast.” Said Twilight. “I’m sorry if I woke you up but I was very hungry and it’s not like I can go to public restaurants. The police would catch me instantly.” She was cooking up an omelette on the stove, with mushrooms and tomatoes. It smelled great but Spike didn’t care.
“How did you get in?”
“I h-“
“WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE‽” Rarity screamed, clad in her morning bathrobe, with her sleep mask resting on top of her horn.
“Making breakfast.” Twilight repeated.
“How did you get in?”
“I have a key.” She lifted it up to show her. “You never changed the locks.” Spike swiped the key from her.
“Stop fucking with us.“ He said. “What do you want?”
“Yeah, okay, I get it. I didn’t come here for breakfast. I came here to talk.”
“I have nothing to talk to you about.” Said Rarity.
“Maybe so, but I thought I ought to give this to somepony while I’m still alive.” Twilight gestured to a torn piece of notebook paper on the kitchen counter.
Nopony moved.
“Oh, go on. I’m not gonna pick it up for you. I need my hooves to cook.”
“What is it?” Rarity still didn’t move to look at it.
Spike carefully picked it up.
“It’s a bunch of numbers.” He said.
“They’re coordinates.” Said Twilight, turning off the heat and plating her omelette. “I want you to give them to the police. That’s where they’ll find Applejack and Big Macintosh’s bodies.”
Spike wordlessly placed the paper back onto the counter.
“Thank you.” He said curtly. “You may go now.”
Twilight blew on her omelette.
“I guess I’ll take this with me.”
“I think you should.” Said Spike.
“Goodbye.” Said Twilight. She took her omelette (and the plate, but Rarity had plenty) with her.
“Twilight?” Rarity called out to Twilight before she was out the door.
“Yes?”
“Did you kill Applejack?”
“No. I didn’t.”
Rarity sighed deeply.
“Where’s Rainbow Dash?”
This time, Twilight hesitated.
“Check the newspaper tomorrow.” She said.
That was the last time they ever saw her.
Magic Palm, and every single one of his goons save one, were standing like a choir in front of the gated entrance to their compound. They couldn’t believe what they were seeing. Glitter Hawk Lips had actually returned, and she was actually lugging a metal safe behind her by a rope.
Chippy, a young stallion, and the most recent member of Magic’s gang of thugs, was helping her along. She was in terrible shape. She looked like a corpse. She was shaking and panting constantly, and not just because of the safe. She was a wet, pathetic, miserable creature, shivering like a chihuahua. Her mane had fallen out entirely, making her broken stub of a horn even more striking, and her tail had nearly done the same, becoming reduced to a few wispy strands, barely obscuring her unmentionables. She was a far cry from the Glitter they had met almost a year ago, but she was still recognizable, if only by her color and cutie mark.
“You look like shit.” Magic said.
“Good afternoon.” She said.
“You need some help with that safe?” Crusoe asked.
“No. No no no.” she said. Magic Palm gestured to Chippy to take it anyway. Twilight weakly protested as he untied it and lifted it over his shoulder, but there wasn’t much she could do.
“I need that, actually.” She said. Magic ignored her.
“Now.” Said Magic. “What do you want?”
“Can we go inside?” Twilight said in between pants. “It’s really hot out here.”
“Fine by me.” Magic hadn’t intended to have the meeting outside in the first place. The only reason they’d all gone out there was because everypony wanted to see if Chippy was a liar or not.
Crusoe opened the door to the main building of the compound to let everypony in, giving extra leeway to Chippy, who had to carry the safe. He placed it down on a pool table. There were three pool tables in the building. It was mostly one big common room, as well as a few meeting rooms, a bathroom, a kitchen, and a big garage. This was where Magic’s gang coordinated everything they did. It had a bar, a bunch of drugs, and of course plenty of seating area. Despite this, they didn’t give Twilight a place to sit down. Everypony else sat, but they let her stand.
Twilight spent a long time catching her breath. She coughed a lot. There were a few snickers in the crowd.
“I didn’t think you’d come back.” Said Magic. “Where the hell’ve you been?”
“I, uh, I can’t tell you that.”
“Why’d you come back?” Magic said, already getting impatient.
“I came back for Rainbow Dash.”
“She’s dead.” Magic Palm lied, blatantly.
“I know she’s not dead.” Said Twilight. “Read the paper lately? The pink meth, my pink meth is still being sold all over Equestria. It was a big story. Canterlot Laboratories tested several samples from different cities, and they all shared roughly the same purity, averaging 99.3%. Crusoe can’t cook meth that pure. He never even got close. Only two ponies can cook crystal meth like that, and one of them is me. You didn’t kill Rainbow Dash. She’s working for you.”
“You’re a little smarty-pants aren’t you?” Magic laughed. “But what the hell do you care? It’s not your business.”
“As long as I’m breathing, methamphetamine is my business. All of you owe your lives to me. Every bit you’ve ever made, you made it off my genius. That pink meth belongs to me, not you.”
“Did you just come here to whine at me?”
“No.” Said Twilight. “I came here to blackmail you.”
Magic Palm scowled instead of responding.
“Humor me for a minute.” Twilight cantered over to the safe resting on the pool table. “Try and break open this safe. Go ahead. Use your hooves, use your teeth, use your guns, throw it against the wall. Whatever.” Chippy actually started walking towards the safe, but Magic stopped him.
“No.” He said.
“I understand. I’ll just tell you then. You’re not gonna break open that safe. It’s not possible. Not without the passcode. Not even a bomb could do the trick, not that you’d want to set off a bomb in your rumpus room.”
“It’s not a rumpus room.”
“Excuse me. Does anypony have the time? The more precise the better.”
“It’s 7:04.” Said Crusoe.
“Thanks. In that case we have 26 minutes.”
Magic Palm pulled a gun on Twilight, and the rest of the gang did the same.
“Now’s not a good time to lose your head.” Said Twilight. “If you’re thinking it’s a bomb, you’re probably considering relocating the safe. I urge you to reconsider. That safe isn’t gonna be any safer out there than it is in here. Allow me to explain.”
Twilight Sparkle took a seat, and nopony stopped her.
“Inside of this safe is a machine I engineered while I was away. I call it the auto-snitch. It contains a cellphone with global range connected to an answering machine on a timer. At 7:30 PM, the timer will go off, and the machine will dial 911 and play a pre-recorded message. It’s about seven minutes long, and it contains, along with an extended confession, the name of every single pony involved with your methamphetamine ring. Magic Palm, Crusoe Palm, Denim Blue, Gallows, Dirty Laundry, Heart-to-heart, Scoops, even French Fry, AKA ‘Chippy’. It also contains the coordinates to the ice cream store, to this very compound, and even the bodies of Applejack and Big Macintosh.” Of course, the police already knew that last one as of a few hours ago, but they didn’t know that.
“You want money?” Magic Palm’s voice was icy cold.
“I want you to kill Rainbow Dash.” Twilight said.
Magic Palm grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her neck with his rotten, yellow teeth, and dragged her outside.
“CRUSOE!” He yelled. “GO GET RAINBOW DASH OUTTA THE LAB! Tell her an old friend wants to see her.”
Twilight, under Magic’s close supervision, stumbled closer to the entrance to the lab. When Crusoe had finished undoing Rainbow Dash’s harness, he brought her outside, where she was met face to face with Twilight.
Rainbow Dash looked even worse for wear than Twilight. Her eyes were sunken, she looked malnourished, and she had imprinted marks on her from where her restraints tightened around her. She said nothing to Twilight.
“Remember your old flame?” Magic grinned as he mocked Rainbow Dash. “She’s back. To finish what she started. She wants you dead.”
Internally, Rainbow Dash felt nothing but relief. Finally, it was going to be over.
“I’ll admit it, Glitter. You’re a pretty smart pony. I would never have come up with something like this.”
“You’re too kind.”
“But I gotta say,” Magic Palm kicked Twilight in the head, sending her crashing into the dirt. “You can’t learn your fucking lesson.”
Magic Palm pushed his hoof down against Twilight’s throat.
“You’ve lost your mind if you think I’m gonna kill my meth cook for the code to that safe. She’s made of money. Let me explain this to you in words you can understand, Twilight Sparkle. You have no power. Not over me, not over anypony. You are not the boss of this business. I am. You’re a pathetic, cancer-riddled bitch with delusions of grandeur. So don’t tell me what to fucking do, or I’ll beat you until your lungs come out your asshole.”
Rainbow Dash shut her eyes tightly.
“Now.” Magic Palm lifted his hoof off Twilight’s neck. She sputtered and coughed and gasped for breath. “Tell me the code to the safe or I’ll fire my gun up your cunt.”
“5516.” Twilight wheezed.
“Good to know.” Then he shot her in the stomach. Twilight made a horrible noise as the bullet pierced her stomach lining and lodged itself in her intestines. She could feel her insides dripping out.
Magic Palm walked back to the main building, grinning from ear to ear. Cruose kept his gun aimed at Rainbow Dash, but kept an eye on Twilight as well, just in case. He checked the time. 7:11. They had plenty of time before the auto-snitch went off.
The glass on Crusoe’s watch shattered as the building exploded. The roof melted and skyrocketed into the air, pieces of melted metal and asphalt and chunks of brick falling all around the compound. Rainbow Dash fell to the ground and covered her head with her hooves. Bits of exploded bodies could be seen careening into the air with the debris. Where the building had formerly stood, there was now merely a pile of rubble and ash. An astute observer would notice the melted remains of the safe lodged into the metal gate at the edge of the compound. Twilight had lied about a bomb not being able to break the safe, obviously, just as she had lied about everything else. There had never been an auto-snitch. A convoluted plan like that could go wrong in too many ways. It was a safer bet to just blow ponies up.
Crusoe stared at the wreckage.
“Doctor Sparkle, was tha-“ Twilight shot him before he could finish his sentence. He screamed involuntarily as the bullet shredded through his lower-right calf. When he fell to the ground, Twilight shot him four more times. He died before the fifth shot left its round.
“I can’t believe they didn’t frisk me.” She managed.
When the gunshots were over, Rainbow Dash scrambled over to Crusoe’s body, removing a now blood-stained key, and unlocking the chains around her wings.
“Catch.” Twilight threw her the gun. She flinched and it hit the ground, but she picked it up immediately afterwards. She shook as she pointed it at Twilight.
“It’s still got one shot left.” Said Twilight. “Make it count.”
Rainbow Dash started to flap her wings slowly, bringing circulation back into them. It had been so long since she had moved them.
“I won’t be upset.” Said Twilight. “You want this. Pull the trigger.”
“If you want to die…” Rainbow Dash finally spoke, “then you can do it yourself.” She threw the gun in front of Twilight. She didn’t pick it up.
Rainbow Dash stretched her wings for a little while longer before taking a running start and taking off into the sky.
Twilight Sparkle crawled towards the western end of the compound, until she was sure her body would be visible to anypony looking from outside the gate. She bled to death as she watched the sun set.
Rainbow Dash closed up her nose by pushing her hooves against her nostrils. Then she tried to breathe in through her nose. It didn’t work. She wasn’t dreaming. She was awake, in the real world, and she was free. She was soaring through the sky, as fast as she ever had. Flying was like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it. Her wings were sore from disuse, but she didn’t give a fuck. She couldn’t give a fuck. She was flying again. She zoomed all across Equestria. If anypony saw her, it didn’t matter. By the time they did a double take and looked back in the sky, she’d already be out of sight. She flew over Ponyville, over Everfree Forest, she flew through Cloudsdale, through Las Pegasus. She flew over Canterlot and watched Celestia lower the sun. She flew until she reached the ocean and then she turned around and flew back in the opposite direction. Equestria looked more beautiful than it ever had. She would be crying, but every tear that formed in her eye shot out behind her like a lightning bolt. She could out-fly her own feelings. She could out-fly her own past. As she approached Ponyville once again, she felt a surge of joy, a kind of joy she didn’t know she was still capable of feeling. She gathered all of the strength in her body as she soared over Ponyville.
Expensive red wine was spilling all over Fluttershy’s garden. Rarity and Fluttershy both noticed, but neither stooped down to pick up the fallen bottle.
“Oh my Celestia.” Rarity exclaimed.
“Is that really…” Fluttershy started tearing up.
“It is.” Said Rarity. “It’s a sonic rainboom.”