Chapters A Memorable First Impression
As the doctors all gathered together outside their Day Monarch's clean room, they were suddenly accosted by the Night Princess. "We demand to know Our Sister's condition! What hast thou learned?!" she added, glaring around at them all.
The unicorn doctors all exchanged nervous glances with each other, then one ventured, "We...we aren't sure, Your Highness. Her Majesty had an allergic reaction in a clean room, which should not have been possible, leading to an ascending paralysis starting from her lower limbs." The doctor paused, swallowed, and continued. "If the paralysis reaches her chest, her heart will be...compromised, and...she will die."
Luna stared at her, then began pacing. Finally, she turned back to them and asked quietly, "But...why was she ill in the beginning? What brought her to this pass? My Sister, like Myself, has never suffered ill in the past...why now?"
Another doctor stepped forward. "We...aren't sure of that either, Your Highness. All we know is what you told us: she started screaming in pain immediately after raising the Sun and fell unconscious. Then she was admitted to our hospital, covered in a rash. We've ordered a set of broad-spectrum antibiotics, but she's not responding." The doctor hung his head. "We just don't know what's wrong with her." Then he looked up, and his face was set. "But we will not give up, Your Majesty! We will save her!"
Behind them, they heard the sound of hooves slowly being clapped, then as one, they turned around. There, seated at a desk, was a nondescript-looking donkey, wearing a wool jacket and an odd look on his face. "Bravo..." stated the donkey, "Very rousing speech...I almost believed it myself..." He smiled and added, "...almost ..." He then picked up Celestia's charts and as he was reading them, without looking up he asked, "This Princess of yours...is she a boozer?"
"I beg thy pardon?!" yelled Luna. "Who ART thou?!" She rounded on the doctors. "Who IS this lout?!"
"We...we've never seen him before, Your Highness!" Another rushed over to the door, flung it open, and yelled down the hall, "Security!"
"Thou hast no need of 'Security,'" growled Luna, as she lit her horn, "I will remove this miscreant myself!"
The donkey looked up as he was being surrounded by her magic. "You keep calling that babe in there your 'Sister,' right?" He held up her chart. "From her records here, I'd say she could have necrotizing fasciitis if she lays on the sauce a bit too thick, and if that's the case, the broad-spectrum antibiotics won't work." Completely unfazed by almost being levitated, he continued, "...but that doesn't explain her sudden aversion to sunlight." He looked the Princess in her eyes. "I'd appreciate it if you'd let me do my job and save your Sister, sweetcakes."
Luna ground her teeth, "Sweetcakes!" But then she hesitated, slowly released him, and turned to the doctors. "Is...is what he speaks...the truth?"
They all looked stunned, and one slowly said..."It...it could be an accurate diagnosis...we never considered it, though."
One stepped forward. "Who...who are you? And where did you study?"
As several burly security Earth ponies showed up at the door, the donkey spared them a single glance and answered, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just tell me: is the rash spreading?" He flipped her chart open to her blood work and pointed to it. "Does this look like streptococcus? Is there gangrene present yet?" As they all stood there with dumbfounded looks on their faces, he exploded, "What the HELL is the matter with you all?! Aren't you animals supposed to be doctors?!" With an exasperated huff, he got to his hooves and said, "Never mind, I'll see for myself! Get out of my way!"
As he hobbled over to the door of Celestia's room, one of the doctors shouted, "You can't go in there! It's a clean room! "
The Security ponies surged forward but were stopped by Luna. "Hold. Let him examine my Sister."
"But...but, Your Highness...?" began one of the doctors.
She rounded on her. Through clenched teeth, she snarled, "This donkey is the only one of thee who seemeth to have the knowledge to save mine Sister! Let him pass!"
Meanwhile, the "donkey" had made his way into Celestia's room, pulled back her sheets, and was carefully examining her. Celestia opened her eyes and stared up at him. "Who...who are you...?" she weakly asked.
"A friend of yours sent me," he replied. He frowned as he examined her rash, then bent down to sniff her. "No gangrene present, so that's good." He pulled the sheets completely off her and looked her all over. "Nice ass," he complimented, "...for a horse," he added.
Celestia managed to blush, then said, "And...and who is this...friend?"
He lifted one of her forelegs and asked, "Does this hurt?"
She was barely able to shake her head. "N...no...but it itches..." She swallowed past a dry throat and asked, "Could...I have some water...?"
"I'm not a nurse." He stood back. "One more question: how much alcohol do you drink?"
She stared at him. "What...does that...have to do with...anything?"
He frowned. "Just answer the question."
She closed her eyes. "I hardly drink at all...there's no need."
The "donkey" shook his head, and muttered, "Even here...everybody lies."
As he turned to go, she stopped him one last time. "Wait...tell me: who is this friend who sent you?"
He looked back over his shoulder. "A real dick . Says he's known you for a very, very long time. And the deal is, once I save you, he'll send me home." He turned back and faced her squarely. "That ring any bells?"
Celestia closed her eyes and sighed.
"Discord."
"What will thou require?" asked Luna. They were all standing out in the hallway of her Sister's private room, along with the unicorn doctors. The doctors were all staring at the donkey with sullen looks on their faces but did not dare speak against him in their Monarch's Presence.
"I work best with a team, a group I can bounce ideas off of. Give me an office and send in some candidates for me to interview, to see if they're competent enough for me to work with." He looked around at them all. "And don't bother to send any of these idiots; I can already tell they're pretty much useless."
At this, the doctors could not withhold a group indignant gasp, and one reached his limit. "Your Highness, I must protest! We know nothing of this person, from where he comes, from where he's studied, what his motives may be! For all we know, he may be a Changeling spy, sent here to assassinate our Beloved Princess!"
Luna regarded the one who had spoken, then turned and looked at the donkey. Finally, she spoke. "No. I have lived a very long time, and within that time, I have developed an insight into ponies." She looked the donkey in the eyes. "I do not like thee. But I trust thee to save my Sister." She turned to the doctors. "Give him what he requires." She took a menacing step forward and added, "...or it will go...poorly...for all of thee..."
The doctors cowered before her, and one stammered, "Y...yes, Your Highness...it shall be done..." Then, they all turned and fled.
Once they were gone, Luna looked at him and asked, "So, what am I to call thee, besides 'donkey?"
"Just call me House."
"Wait...you need us to do what?! " It was early in the morning at the Hospital, with House standing before his team while leaning against a chair.
"My instructions were quite clear, or so I thought: I need two of you to get into Celestia's bedroom, find out where she's hiding her stash of alcohol or whatever she's been using that's made her sick, and bring me back samples."
Caroline shook her head. "Doctor House, with all due respect, that's impossible! The Castle is guarded night and day, and one does not simply sneak in there! And besides, if we were caught, then we could all be brought up on charges of treason!"
Robin chimed in. "Not being from this world, we don't expect you to understand our customs, but even you must know that breaking and entering is a crime! We did NOT sign up for this!"
Finally, the big stallion, Rocky, finished with, "How soon do you need the info?"
The other two whirled on him. "Are you crazy?! You can't possibly be serious!" But he met their ire without flinching.
"The Princess' life is on the line. We gotta do whatever it takes, and if this crazy asshole says we gotta invade her bedroom, then that's what we gotta do."
House smiled, then hobbled over to his desk, and opened a drawer. Taking out three documents, he came back to them and gave each of them one. "Your Princess Luna wants her Sis to live. Those will get you past the guards but do not tell them what you're doing, or passes or not, they'll bar you from entering. I'll leave it up to you to explain why you're there."
They all stared at the papers, then Caroline said, "Did Princess Luna know what your intentions were when she gave you these passes?"
House smiled. "If I tell you that, will it make a difference?"
She looked at Robin, then shook her head. "Never mind, I don't want to know."
"Good. Now, the two will be Rocky, and you, Caroline."
"Why me?"
"Because your pretty face and sweet, round ass will distract the guards, of course!" The young, redheaded unicorn mare stuck out her bottom lip.
"Of course ."
"Doctor House, I don't think it's necrotizing fasciitis...she's been sick for over a day, and there's no gangrene present." Robin looked up from the medical records to the whiteboard House was standing before, writing down symptoms.
He wrote, 'necrotizing fasciitis,' 'pancreatitis from possible gallstones,' 'sudden aversion to sunlight,' 'abdominal pain,' 'itching,' 'vomiting...' he stood back, drew a broad line down the middle of the board, then wrote, "Botulism, or Guillain-Barré syndrome presenting with ascending paralysis..." He turned to his helper. "What does that look like to you?"
Robin's eyes grew wide. "It looks like you're trying to describe two separate medical conditions...but the odds against that are astronomical!"
House smirked. "What? You ponies don't know how to multitask?"
The young unicorn scowled. "You get my point! It's a stretch to assume she has more than one condition, instead of figuring out what she does have, and curing that!"
House put down the marker and smiled. "We have a saying on my world, which is somehow appropriate here: "Whenever you hear hoofbeats, you don't immediately think zebras, you think horses."
Robin blanched and looked around, making sure nopony else was within earshot, then leaned in close to the doctor. "House, if you want to keep your teeth in your head, don't ever say that again!"
"My point stands." He looked back at the board. "There's too much up there. We have to narrow them down, and I don't trust those morons that were working on her before." He tapped the board with the marker, while obviously thinking. "It's the paralysis that's the biggest issue right now...that's gonna kill her first if we don't figure out what's causing it..." He turned to his intern. "She displayed further symptoms while inside a clean room...that should have been against astronomical odds if you ask me."
"Perhaps...something internal? Some condition of her blood missed by the initial scans?" ventured his intern.
House shook his head while still staring at the board. "No. That wouldn't explain the sudden onset." Then his eyes brightened, and he turned to look at the unicorn. "You have parasites on this planet, correct? Little insects like bloodsuckers?"
Robin nodded. "Yes, but they're rare, especially in a large city." His eyes grew wide. "Wait...are you thinking our Princess somehow picked up a parasite?! She's the most beautiful, pure, and majestic pony on the planet! No disgusting bug would dare to soil her flesh!"
House smirked. "Listen, kid...if you're going to work with me, you're going to have to understand one thing: to me, she's just another patient. I don't care if she's royalty, and you'll have to not care as well. We have to cure her, not kiss her ass."
Robin's face turned several interesting shades of color. "But...but...I can't just change the way I've thought about her my entire life! "
House stared at him, then in a flat voice said, "Okay. You're fired."
"W...what?"
"You heard me: you're fired. I don't work with cowards." He limped over to the door and held it open. "Get out."
The unicorn stared at him, his jaw tensed, his limbs shaking, then he sighed, lowered his head, and whispered, "...please don't fire me, Doctor House. I'll do anything to save her." He looked up and met his eyes. "...anything!"
House stared at him, allowing him to sweat, then slowly closed the door. "Search her body for that parasite. Once you find it, do some blood work to confirm. Later on, we'll perform an ultrasound to rule out the pancreatitis, and do a scratch test to rule out other allergies, then schedule her in the MRI. The scratch test and the blood work you can do yourself; wait for your buddies to get back for the other tests. I want to see what they found in her bedroom."
His intern's eyes grew wide. "M..me?! You want me to lay hooves on Her Royal Pers---" but he stopped as House gave him a look. Robin swallowed nervously and corrected himself. "Of course, right away...but...doing the tests those senior doctors already did will very likely embarrass them..."
House smirked. "Not our problem."
As the intern made his way to the door, he stopped for a moment and asked, "With all respect, Doctor House, what will you be doing?"
House hobbled over to his desk and seated himself before ten or so official-looking, thick files. "I? Will be catching up on some reading." As he picked up the file he'd started the day before, he looked up to see the stunned unicorn still staring at him. "Those tests aren't going to perform themselves. Get going." His voice grew stern.
"NOW ."
"This is nuts!" muttered Caroline, as she and Rocky approached the Castle.
"Just...keep it together," he muttered back out the side of his mouth, as they drew closer to the first guards. They both straightened and gave their toothiest grins as they stopped in front of them. "Good morning, soldiers!" cried Rocky, in a jovial manner. He pulled out his pass, then nudged Caroline with his shoulder, who jumped and took out hers as well. Expecting to have to give a lengthy explanation as to why they were there, they were both startled when the guards simply leaned forward, recognized the Royal Signature, then waved them inside.
Trying not to sweat, they entered the Castle through the main portico and began to trot nervously down the vast corridors. Their hooves echoed on the marble floors, as they passed soaring columns and walls covered with intricate tapestries. The windows were all stained glass, depicting various scenes of heraldry and heroes past, all brightly illuminated by the morning Sun's gentle rays. Rocky turned to his companion. "Have you ever been in here before?"
She looked at him as if he were daft. "Are you kidding?! I am completely lost!" She looked around. "We're going to have to ask somepony for directions to her bedroom, without raising suspicion." She glanced up at him. "I'm open to ideas."
He smiled. "I might have a few..."
"Why are you here, young stallion?" Robin froze as he entered Celestia's suite, only to see her surrounded by no less than ten senior doctors, all of whom were staring at him with various expressions of distaste.
"I...I was ordered by Doctor House to perform a scratch test and draw some blood from Her Majesty, as well as to search for a parasite, Sirs and Ladies."
"A parasite?!" one asked, looking down her nose at the unicorn. "Do you actually believe somepony as majestic as Her Royal Highness could be afflicted with something so common as a parasite?!" She took a step forward and sneered, "I recognize you...your family is one of the third lowest noble families in Canterlot...you only made admission to the Royal Medical College because of your family's name!" Robin's face flushed with anger and embarrassment, but he held his tongue. She smiled as the effect of her words landed home, looked around, and added, "So why would we allow somepony as baseborn as YOU to lay your hooves on her Royal Person?!"
The others' grimaces grew deeper, then one added, "And as for your other 'tests,' none of those will be necessary, child . You can go back and tell your mentor we have already performed several blood tests, and your...disgusting ...test for allergies would be a complete insult, as it would imply our Beloved Princess is just as ignoble and frail as the rest of us! Such would be a total waste of Her Majesty's time!" Then they all turned their backs on him by way of dismissal and continued their conversation.
Robin turned away and got as far as the door, then stopped. And turned back around. "No."
They looked back at him. "What did you say?"
He met their gazes. "I said, 'no.'" Then he walked forward, pushing past them as they gasped, until he was beside Celestia. He bent down next to her and gently spoke. "Your Majesty, I have been sent by Doctor House to see what we can do to make you better. Will that be alright?" She wearily opened her eyes, slowly focused on him, then smiled and nodded.
He then began a careful search of her fur, starting from her head, down to her neck, and down her legs. She watched him silently, then in a weak voice asked, "...what...what is your name, my little pony...?"
He stopped and looked at her with awe. "Ro...Robin. Robin Howser, Your Majesty."
She closed her eyes again, as though the effort of speaking had cost her. But she opened them again and asked, "And...what does...the good doctor...have you...searching for?"
Robin's face turned bright red, but he knew he had nothing to lose at this point. "Doctor House believes...you may have...a...parasite of some sort, Your Highness." He resumed checking her fur. "Once we find it, we should be able to halt whatever is causing your paralysis."
She was about to speak again, when suddenly one of the senior doctors cried, "That. Is. Enough!! " Two of them grabbed the young intern and forcibly pulled him from the room, while one stayed by Celestia's side.
"Your Majesty, we all apologize for this foolish child's insolence! We will make certain he never troubles you further!"
"But...but...Doctor House..." began Celestia, but she was cut off by the doctor.
"That foreigner does not love you as we do, Your Majesty! WE will see to your care!"
"No...YOU will kill her," a voice plainly stated. They all turned around, only to see the donkey standing there. Behind him was a unicorn nurse, holding a stack of files suspended in her magic. He pointed to the one standing next to Celestia.
"Let's start with you." He turned and pulled out a file, then flipped it open. "Your name is Twinkle Brightstone, MD. Graduate of the Royal College Of Medicine, with honors...yet you haven't directly practiced medicine in over five years." He looked up at her. "Why is that?" Her face flushed, and she spluttered, but before she could actually speak, he tossed the file onto the floor and moved on.
He pointed to an older stallion as he took out his file. "Dapper Moonstone, MD. Same college, same honors." His eyebrows raised. "Says here you actually quit medicine a few years ago, due to some numerous complaints concerning nurses." He looked up at him. "There are no details, of course, but we can all probably guess." He looked around at them all. "I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I have files on each and every one of you. NONE of you have been active in medicine within the past year, yet here you all are, fighting for favor and kissing your Princess' ass." He took a step forward as they collectively took a step back. "I can now see why that asshole sent me here. It's not her illness that's going to eventually kill her, it's every single one of you ." He turned to the ones with Robin. "Now then, get your g*ddamn hooves off my intern, and let us do our jobs." They quickly released him, then stood back as House limped forward.
"Did you find the parasite?"
Robin shook his head. "No." He looked at the doctors. "I was...interrupted."
House looked over his shoulder at them. "Expect a visit from Luna." At this, they all blanched, then fell over each other as they tried to squeeze out the door at once and flee down the hall. House watched them go without pity.
"I don't think we need worry about them ever again."
House Becomes a Household Name
As Robin resumed checking her for the parasite, Kelly came rushing into the room. "What happened in here?! All my senior doctors just fled from the hospital without a word!" She had a frantic, deranged look in her eyes as she glared up at the donkey and his intern. At their continued silence, she exploded, "Talk to me!! What! Happened?!"
House finally turned to her and said, "If you're referring to those quacks that were just here to kiss ass and bolster their failing careers, you should probably thank me." He nodded in the direction of the sick alicorn. "We may have just saved your Ruler's life...because those morons were more interested in fame and fortune than curing her." He then turned to her as she was struck speechless and continued. "You remind me too much of someone I know back home. She's an idiot as well, but at least she shows some care for her patients."
Kelly grit her teeth as her face flushed bright red, then snarled, "How DARE you imply I don't care about my patients! You don't know a thing about me, donkey!"
House looked her in the eyes and smiled. "I know you were willing to risk Celestia's life by allowing a bunch of so-called "doctors" who haven't been active in medicine for the past year to treat her. I know they all paid you huge sums of...what do you call it here..."bits?"...to be granted access. I know that there were tests that they all were unwilling to do because they refused to treat her like any other patient, which would certainly have killed her." He took a step forward to her as she stood back and finished with, "And I know you're completely useless as a Dean of Medicine, for allowing all that to happen under your watch."
Kelly looked from him, to Celestia, then back up to him as she began to visibly sweat. In a shaking voice, she said, "You...you don't under...understand! The entire Kingdom is counting on me! Possibly even the entire world! I had to hire the best I could find!" Barely controlling herself, she added, "And once news of this gets out, I could be ruined!"
House frowned, then turned his back on her. "You're boring me. I don't give two shits about your reasons or justifications...because they would have killed my patient if I wasn't here. If that was an example of your best, then your best isn't good enough. Now get the hell out of here; we have work to do." With that, he limped over to the bed next to Robin with Celestia, effectively dismissing her. Still shaking from his words, she dragged herself over to a chair and sat down. Her face was a storm of emotions as she looked around to see who else had heard. Several nurses briefly met her eyes and then quickly turned away and "busied" themselves elsewhere, their own faces bright red as well.
Drawing a shuddering gasp, she finally picked herself up and quietly left the room, but not without giving his back one last glance full of burning hatred before she slid the door shut.
"That was an amazing plan!" laughed Caroline, as they were leaving the Castle, their saddlebags chock full of all the evidence they'd need to help their Monarch.
Rocky smiled. "Yes, those guards were totally not expecting us to find that room full of trained chimpanzees and turn them loose!" He chuckled to himself and added, "I don't envy the cleaning staff the mess they're going to have to deal with now!"
"Nor do I!" She laughed along with him as she reached up and removed a banana peel from behind her ear. "My Dad always said 'fortune favors the foolish!' I'll have to tell him thanks after this, although I don't think he'll believe this story!"
He smiled down at her. "Don't sell yourself short! Those guards would have had us at the last second if you hadn't distracted them by juggling all those flaming chainsaws while balancing on one leg on top of that beach ball! Where did you learn to do that?!"
She blushed. "Oh, I took an elective in college. You never know what skills will turn out to be useful."
He smiled down at her, then his eyes grew misty, which she noticed. "You know..." he whispered, "Besides all that, you were," he swallowed, "quite distracting yourself..."
She looked up at him and batted her eyelashes. "Oh, Rocky..." she sighed, "Rocky..."
"Rocky! Rocky!! " The big stallion jumped as he heard his name being shouted. Caroline stared up at him.
"You okay? You look like I lost you for a minute there."
He looked around to regain his bearings, then said, "Yeah...I was just...thinking." He cleared his throat and said, "I'm pretty sure the residential areas have to be near the top of the Castle." He turned to her. "Don't Princesses usually live in towers and such?"
She glanced around as they continued to trot down the hallways. "You're asking the wrong little filly. My parents used to read me science textbooks for bedtime stories, instead of fairy tales."
He looked sharply at her. "Wow. Really?"
She nodded. "It's why I became a doctor. While all my other friends were playing dress-up, I was "curing" my toys of all sorts of ailments."
He smiled at this as he gazed forward, still scanning the hallways. "That's cute..." Spying an ornate door, he paused, looked back at her, then opened it a crack and peered inside. "Ook ook?"
She gave him a flat look. "What are you doing?"
He looked sheepishly back at her and said, "Nothing. Wayward thought. Let's move on." They soon came to some stairs and began the long climb. The stairs were wide and made of white marble, with intricate patterns of purple and gold shot through them, while also curving upward and to the right. To either side of them were more high, stained glass windows, as well as more hanging tapestries, although these all held Celestia's Sun motif. This gave them hope they were headed in the right direction, so they quickened their pace and soon reached the upper landing. As they stopped and caught their breath, they looked down a long hallway, only to see a large set of double doors with two guards standing before them. Both doors were emblazoned with the Solar Diarch's cutie mark, leaving little doubt they'd finally reached their destination.
"Make or break time," Rocky mumbled to his companion as they tried to affect a casual air while approaching the guards. The guards had locked eyes upon them both from the moment they'd shown themselves, and once they came within range they crossed their spears, blocking their advance.
"State your business," one guard gruffly asked. Remembering House's teasing, Caroline gave him a half-lidded look, ran her hoof through her mane, batted her eyelashes at him, and was just about to say something sultry when the guard stopped her with, "Save it, Miss. We are on duty. If you do not have a good reason for being here, then you both must leave." He glared at them both and lowered his spear, while his partner did the same. "NOW. "
As the mare's face burned bright red, Rocky stepped forward and took out his pass. "We are both doctors attending Princess Celestia. We've been given permission by Princess Luna to enter Her Sister's bedroom and retrieve certain personal items Princess Celestia has asked for. Please step aside."
The guards exchanged a look with each other at this, then one asked, "Then...why didn't Her Highness get Her Sister's items Herself?"
Caroline had quickly recovered from her embarrassment and added, "We didn't question Her, Sirs, though I would guess she is probably overcome with emotion right now." She looked from one to the other. "It's very important to them both, so please, please don't delay us!"
The guards watched them warily, then turned and spoke to each other, while still keeping an eye on them. Finally, one said, "Alright, you both may enter, but one of us will accompany you."
Rocky shook his head. "No, Sir...that won't be possible. The items we have to retrieve are of a...ahem...personal nature, and as her doctors, we have been entrusted to uphold both Her Honor and Her secrecy."
The guards looked like they would further protest, but Caroline had reached her limit. Taking out her pass, she angrily said, "The Princess HERSELF trusted us with these passes that bear HER signature! If you both are going to defy Her wishes, especially at a time such as this, then I would NOT want to be either of you when we report back to Her!" At this, both guards visibly paled underneath their armor, raised their spears, and stood aside. She had the grace to say a curt, "Thank you!" as she passed them and pushed the doors open, followed by Rocky.
Once inside, and the doors were shut, they both collapsed onto the floor and breathed a huge sigh of relief! After a few moments, they looked at each other and started to giggle, then laugh, and soon they both were rolling on the floor. Once they regained control, Rocky stood, wiped his eyes, and looked around.
The place. Was. HUGE! The floor was made of the same marble, with the same patterns of purple and gold, though mostly covered with a thick, Saddle Arabian rug that extended underneath the giant, four-poster canopy bed. To the far left was an ornate fireplace, with couches and high-backed chairs seated before it, over another rug. To the far right was a small set of stairs that led to a balcony, with tall windows that overlooked the City. Next to that was an armoire that looked to be at least a hundred years old, carved in the shape of a tree, with branches that touched the ceiling. Another set of double doors must lead to the bathroom, and next to that was a large vanity, covered with various makeup supplies. Rocky exchanged an exasperated look with his associate.
"So...where do you want to start first?"
Most of the doctors immediately went to their mansions, fired their staff, left their families (some took the time to write a hurried, private note, many did not) bought tickets under assumed names, and fled the City, all in a desperate attempt to escape the Lunar Princess's wrath. But some...some conspired together to get their own back from that donkey doctor. These immediately contacted their sources in the press and leaked the story of the Dean of Medicine's inexcusable irresponsibility in allowing a foreigner , without so much as a background check, take the life of our Kingdom's Beloved Ruler into his questionable hooves! They also tactfully suggested that Princess Luna had been duped by this charlatan's fancy, farcical medical "knowledge," and that she should have been guided to a more reasonable path by those who were senior in medicine and therefore more knowledgeable. None were so foolish as to reveal their own names with the "story," trusting their sources (and the huge amount of bits they paid them) to keep them private.
Now, all there was to do was sit back, and watch the show...
And so it was that by the time Dean Kelly reached her office, still fuming over her treatment by Doctor House, had hardly sat down when her secretary came rushing in. One look at her face was all she needed to know things were just...wrong .
She sighed, "What is it, Daphne?"
"M...Miss Kelly?" She looked over her shoulder, then back to her. "There are some reporters here, wishing to speak to you."
Kelly leaned forward, placed her elbows on her desk, and began rubbing her temples again. In a strained voice, she asked, "How many?"
Daphne swallowed. "ALL of them..."
Kelly looked up. "What?"
She nodded. "Yes, ma'am. All of them!"
Kelly sighed, then got up, walked to her door, then opened it. She was immediately bombarded with reporters shoving microphones and cameras in her face, all shouting questions at her.
"Is it true you allowed a stranger to work on Princess Celestia?!" "How do you know he isn't a spy, sent to kill her?!" Wasn't it irresponsible to allow a donkey to serve in your hospital?!" "Do you have any plans to resign?!" "Are you prepared to face the consequences when she dies?!" "Why do you hate our Princess?!" "Are you a spy?!" "Who are you really working for?!" "Is this donkey your lover?! Is that why you're letting him next to our Princess?!" And finally, one shouted, "Who IS this doctor?!"
At last...a question I can actually answer . Kelly cleared her throat and held up her hooves for silence, as they all paused, but cameras still clicked and flashed. "His name is Doctor Gregory House and...(here she made a split-second decision)...I have every confidence in his abilities! Yes, he was an unknown, but we have become acquainted over the past day or so, I have observed his work, and he is one of the best, if not the best doctors with whom I have ever worked!" At their stunned silence, she gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile and added, "Our Princess could not be in better hooves, I assure you all!"
The cameras stopped clicking. One could hear a pin drop. After a few moments, one reporter asked, "May...may we see him?"
She smiled. "The doctor is a very private person, but I'm sure I can convince him to take a few minutes for an interview. If you will all follow me?" With some difficulty, she pushed her way to the front of the herd and led the way to Celestia's private suite. Once there, she frowned when she saw the curtains had been drawn, concealing Celestia and the doctor from view, but she turned to the reporters and said, "Have your cameras ready. You're about to see a genius in action!" With that, she stepped up to the door, and pulled the curtains back in one swift stroke!
Everypony gasped as they saw the donkey with his face buried in Celestia's crotch, then he pulled back and said, "Got it!" He then turned around and looked at them with a tiny, wriggling tick stuck in his teeth.
Staring at their shocked faces, he mumbled, "Umm...fuck off?"
The reporters quickly overcame their shock and began rapidly clicking shots. The more scrupulous ones focused on the doctor's face, on the tick in his teeth, and left out any...unsavory...pictures of Her Highness. But there was one photographer in particular that used an entire roll of film getting tight shots of Celestia's exposed..."lady parts." He was so engrossed in getting his shots that he didn't notice the entire room had gone silent, thinking only of the potential mountain of bits he was going to get for these once-in-a-lifetime pictures! He even went so far as to step closer, removing all doubt as to his true intentions as he clicked away with a creepy smile on his face.
So he had no excuse when the camera was suddenly ripped from his hooves, then crushed into its atomic particles before his eyes. He recognized the corona that had surrounded his camera, so as his heart began beating rapidly out of his chest, and sweat immediately started pouring down his face, he slowly turned around to look into the eyes of the furious Night Princess. The poor fool fell on his face before her, too frightened to even speak. Her eyes were blazing white, and she was flanked by two of her thestral guards. In a low, dangerous voice, she uttered, "...take him..." The bat ponies picked him up and hauled him off, as everypony else, with the exception of Doctor House, had already fallen to their knees.
Luna came forward and used her magic to cover her Sister's modesty, as House took the tick and placed it in a specimen bottle. He turned to his intern and said, "Get up; we still have work to do." Robin looked from him to the Princess, swallowed, then regained his hooves, went to the cabinets, and drew out what he'd need for blood samples to confirm the paralysis had been abated.
Luna's eyes returned to normal as she gazed at her Sister, then asked, "How doth she fare?"
House shrugged. "She's not out of the woods yet." He showed her the tick. "This is the little beast that was causing her paralysis, so she's out of immediate danger, but we still don't know what got her here in the first place."
She bowed her head, closed her eyes, and whispered, "I thank thee, Noble Doctor."
House frowned. "Don't thank me yet. She may still die, if we can't find out the cause of her initial illness."
She winced at his bluntness, then sat down next to the bed and gently placed a hoof on her unconscious Sister's chest. After watching her sleep, she then turned suddenly tearful eyes up at the doctor once more. "Hast thou any ideas? Any whatsoever?" She leaned towards him. "Ask for anything, anything at all, and it shall be thine! Just please...save her!"
House glowered at her. "Quit wasting my time, Princess...that's not why I do what I do." At this, there was a collective gasp from all the others assembled, as more cameras flashed and notes were scribbled. House turned to them and yelled, "Would you all get the HELL out of here?! I'm trying to work!!"
The Night Princess jumped to her hooves and leaped forward towards them, fangs bared, with wings extended in full threat display. "Thou heard him! BEGONE!!" she bellowed in a thunderous voice that reverberated and shook the very walls! Within seconds, the room was clear. At this, Celestia stirred and woke.
"Lu...Lulu?"
Luna's face immediately switched from anger to joy and rushed back to Her Sister's side. "Tia! Thou art awake! How dost thou feel?"
She feebly moved her lower limbs and whispered, "A...a little weak still, but better..." She shifted her gaze to the doctor. "How...how am I, House?"
He frowned at her. "It would save us all some time if you'd simply tell us what you were doing that was out of the ordinary...whatever it was you might have been using that got you sick." As he watched her eyes dart to the left, he sighed. "But you're not going to do that are you?" He gave a disgusted look to his intern. "Do you see why I said we have to treat her just like any other patient?" He cast a smoldering look back down at Celestia and finished with, "...because none of them can be trusted..."
Luna looked from House to Her Sister, and said, "Tia? Why...why won't thou tell the doctor the Truth? Thy very Life hangs in the balance!"
Celestia's face flushed red, and she motioned for Luna to come closer. Once she did, Celestia raised her head and whispered in her ear for a long time. Luna's eyes grew large, then her face went red as well. She closed her eyes and sat up. "Oh...Tia..."
Then she took a deep breath, turned to House and his assistant, and said, "I must take my leave of thee."
They both watched her go, then Robin said, "What do you think that was about, Sir?"
House turned and looked down at his patient, who still wouldn't meet his eyes. "If I had to guess, I'd say we're about to get our answer."
Rocky sighed as he looked around one last time. They both had been searching for the better part of an hour and had nothing to show for their efforts. "Well, I'm stumped. I honestly don't know what we expected to find here. The Princess is over a thousand years old, which gives her a thousand-year head start on keeping things hidden."
Caroline closed a drawer in which she'd been rummaging and frowned over her shoulder at him. "We can't give up! Something she used has made her sick, and we simply have to find it!"
Rocky threw up his hooves. "I know!" He gestured around. "But what are we supposed to do?! We've looked everywhere! Unless there's a secret panel or something hidden in the walls, I'm fresh out of ideas!" Then his eyes brightened. "Hey! That's it! Maybe that's the key!" He turned excitedly to her. "Use your magic, and sweep the place! Maybe it's something only unicorns can detect!"
But she didn't share his enthusiasm. "The Princess is an Alicorn , not a unicorn, so Her thanum strength greatly outstrips ordinary unicorns. If she hid something with Her power, then my magic probably won't be able to detect it." At the look on his face, she quickly added, "But, you're right, it's worth a shot. Stand back." She closed her eyes and powered up her horn, casting a visible wave of red-tinged magic throughout the room.
"Anything?" he asked anxiously.
"Quiet!" she growled, as she kept her eyes closed and moved her head back and forth, "I'm doing my best here!" As she continued to scan the room, she suddenly came up short and gasped.
"What?! What is it?!" Rocky asked as he stepped closer to her.
Her eyes grew wide with fear as she stared at an otherwise plain spot at the far wall. "I...I'm not sure. There's something just...wrong , over there, but---" she stopped abruptly as the doors suddenly flew open. They both turned to look, then fell prostrate as they saw the Night Princess standing there. Her eyes were once again blazing white, and crackles of eldritch energy fizzled and sparked from her horn. As she stepped into the room, the marble cracked and splintered underneath her hooves, and when she finally spoke, the air pressure threatened to explode their very eardrums.
"WHAT IS THY BUSINESS IN MINE SISTER'S PRIVATE CHAMBERS?!"
It took them both more than a few moments to find their voices, but once they did, Rocky stammered, "For..forgive us, Your Majesty! We...we were instructed to find...to find...whatever was causing Princess Celestia's ailment! We meant no offense!"
Keeping her eyes on the floor, Caroline added, "We must save her, Your Highness! We'll do anything we have to!" She dared to raise her eyes at this point and pleaded, "ANYTHING!"
Luna silently regarded them, then slowly returned her eyes to normal. "Rise," she commanded. Once they shakily stood, she asked, "Thou were sent by Doctor House?"
"Yes, Your Majesty..." they both said at once.
Still, she stared at them, then said, "Know this: be this an earlier time, before mine Banishment, I would slay thee both for such a breach of honor." Then her shoulders slumped, and she bowed her head. "But thy purpose be noble, and I also will do anything to save mine Sister." Then she walked over to the far wall and looked over her shoulder at them. "What thou seek is here. I only learned of it a few moments ago, when speaking to mine Sister. You," she pointed to the Earth pony, "What is thy name?"
"Rocky Cardo, if it pleases Your Highness."
"Squire Cardo, come forward." She looked at the mare. "What is thy name?"
"Caroline Allifoals, Your Grace."
"Lady Allifoals, I would caution thee to keep thy distance. What I am about to reveal is most...addictive and dangerous to unicorns." So saying, she turned, closed her eyes, and focused her magic on a spot on the wall. There was a pause, and then a section slid open, revealing an ornate box. With visible effort, she magicked the box out of its alcove and into Rocky's waiting hooves, then leaped back, already panting.
Rocky stared down at it, then up at her. "What...what is it, Your Majesty?"
With her eyes tightly shut and her face turned away, she said, "It is something...so shameful...that I never thought mine Sister would stoop to use." She opened her eyes and gave a pleading look to them both. "I will explain it, but I beg of thee both, do not share this with any other than Doctor House! I only do this out of necessity, to save Tia! Swear to me!"
Rocky and Caroline exchanged a look, then both said at once, "We so swear, Your Highness."
The sleazy photographer stared around his dank cell, as his teeth chattered while thinking of all the ways he imagined he was going to be tortured. How could he have been such an idiot? NO amount of bits was worth this! Now here he was, somewhere in the bottom of the Castle, in a cell with wet, brick walls, no windows, and only a single torch set on the outside of the cell as his only illumination. He could hear rats scurrying around in the darkness, and as much as he feared rats it was a testament to his terror that this fear paled in comparison to what was going to happen to him when Princess Luna came back.
But...if he kept his wits, and she allowed him to speak, he might have a chance.
His balls drew up as he heard the far door being opened, then heavy hoofsteps approaching his cell. He fell back from the bars and squeezed into a corner, trying to make himself as small as possible, as futile a gesture as he knew it to be. The hoofsteps seemed to take forever, then his eyes grew wide as the Night Princess stopped before his cell and stood there, silently regarding him. The silence became unbearable.
He fell on his face to the filthy floor and cried out, "Please! Forgive me, Your Highness! I was only doing what I was told to do!"
She continued to stare at him without pity, then said, "Somepony told thee to take unsavory images of mine Sister? While she layeth fighting for Her very Life?! " She stepped up to the bars. "Give me their names!"
He glanced up at her, then quickly looked down again. "If...if I do, will you release---" but that was as far as he got before he was seized in her magic and hurled bodily against the far wall.
"I owe thee NOTHING, miscreant!! Thou will give me the names, NOW!!" In a choked voice, he blurted out everything he knew.
Everything.
The three doctors that had worked together to bring down that repulsive donkey all sat in the palatial mansion of the senior of the three, awaiting news. So far, all had gone according to plan: their press contacts had presented themselves to the Royal Hospital in record time and confronted the Dean, but that was as far as their current knowledge went. They eagerly awaited further news of that donkey's downfall and dismissal from Celestia's case, as should be expected from the hints and suggestions they'd instructed their contacts to make. It had also been Doctor Twinkle Brightstone's suggestion to get as many compromising pictures of Celestia as possible and leak them to the public, to show how horribly that fraud had been treating Her since Her real doctors had been expelled! Soon, the Dean would be contacting them and beg them to return!
Which they might consider...for a larger fee!
So it was with great shock when Brightstone's Head Butler entered, carrying the latest copy of the evening paper, and she snatched it out of his hooves. Her face turned pale as she read it, and the other two doctors, Dapper Moonstone and Doctor Bristle, shared her fear. "What is it?" Bristle asked. Instead of answering, she gave them the paper. They both read it together, as both of their faces also turned pale:
HEROIC DOCTOR SAVES OUR BELOVED PRINCESS!
Princess Celestia was on the very edge of Death, if not for the valiant efforts of the before unknown doctor, who against all odds and failed efforts by Her previous doctors managed to cure Her from Her immediate sickness!
While unable to secure an interview with him, this reporter has learned his name is Doctor Gregory House, and that, according to the Dean of Medicine, is also the best doctor with whom she has ever worked!
So rejoice, Equestria! Our Princess will soon---
...and that was as much as they could stand to read before Moonstone ripped the paper to shreds and threw it down. He grit his teeth. "Those idiots!! They were supposed to discredit him, not sing his praises! What did we pay them for?!"
"Calm down, you moron," said Twinkle. "Maybe there's still a way we can salvage this..."
They both turned to her. "Well, I'm not listening to any more of your "great" ideas, Brightstone," said Moonstone. "We should have done as our colleagues did, and gotten out of the City as fast as we could! That's what I'm going to...wait..." He swiveled his ears towards the window. "Do you hear that? It sounds like..." All three turned to the window, only to see a dark blip fast approaching, preceded by the sound of air being ripped apart. Their eyes grew wide, and they barely had time to dive for cover before the far window and entire outer wall exploded inward! As they raised their heads slowly above the rubble, their vision was partially obscured by dust, but they could make out the light of a horn, and the sight of two eyes burning white.
Then the figure stepped forward, revealing Herself. Without a word, she seized all three in Her magic and dragged them to Her. Twinkle foolishly tried to talk her way out of it. "P...Princess Luna! My colleagues and I were just conferring on Your Sister's condition! We truly believe we may have found out what's---"
"Be. Silent." Luna drew her closer and stared into her eyes. "Thy informant told me everything. So save thy lies."
In a shaking voice, Doctor Moonstone asked, "Wha...what are you going to do to us?" Luna stared at him.
Then, she smiled.
House Meets Wilson (Sort of...)
"What have you got for me?" House looked up from his desk as Rocky came into his office, carrying a weird-shaped box, while Caroline waited outside. Rocky set the box on the desk and stepped back.
"It's...something Princess Luna swore myself and Caroline to secrecy, House..." He leaned forward and slowly opened it, revealing an ornate, purple bottle, with a thin neck and intricate carvings all along the sides. There was a stopper on top of it, and as House picked it up and looked at it, he could see the glass was barely see-through, and the contents were halfway used. He raised an eyebrow as he looked back up at his assistant.
Rocky swallowed and explained. "What you have there...is...is...liquid Satyrion , the most potent aphrodisiac on the planet. According to Princess Luna, it has been distilled for well over a thousand years, and a single drop can cause an ordinary pony to experience an increase in their sexual drive that can last for days! It was banned over a millennia ago when it caused an uncontrollable orgy that brought about the fall of an ancient kingdom! It only affects direct magic users, which includes unicorns and alicorns, and is both highly addictive and dangerous...as well as being strictly forbidden! Her Highness has been using it for weeks , so Princess Luna explained, because..." and here his face turned bright red, "because after a thousand years, her libido has required more and more extremes in order to be satisfied..."
House smiled, set the bottle on his desk, and then sat back. "So your Princess used this to get Her rocks off, and invariably made Herself sick." He shook his head. "No wonder she didn't want to say anything about it." He looked back up. "I guess this information rather sullies your view of Her, doesn't it?"
Rocky's face took on a look of defiance. "No! She's still my Princess! Even if She's...as horny as the rest of us..." he trailed off.
House leaned to the side and looked out at the mare. "So, is that why Caroline is keeping her distance? So she won't be affected by this crap?"
Rocky looked back at her, then back to House, and nodded. "Yeah. Just being close to the box on the way back here was making her act all funny."
"Huh. It's that strong?" He stood, then placed the bottle back in its box. "Well, I guess that means only you and I will be working with this thing, then." He looked up at him and smirked. "And before you get any funny ideas, you're not my type."
Rocky gave him a sour look. "I'm sooo relieved to hear that. I'll try real hard to restrain myself around you, 'stud.'"
Caroline carefully inserted the needle containing the prescribed allergen into Her Majesty's back, levitated that needle away, and then picked up another in her magic. She'd been performing the scratch test for allergies on Her Majesty for the past fifteen minutes in order to keep busy, as she couldn't go near that artifact they'd uncovered in Her room. Celestia slightly winced as she felt yet another sting and whispered, "How many more, my little pony?"
Caroline bit her bottom lip and said, "Not many more, Your Highness. Doctor House is simply being thorough, in that You have no prior medical history. So, we all have to start from "scratch," as it were..."
Celestia looked over Her shoulder at her and smiled. "Was...that an attempt at humor, sweetheart?"
Caroline stopped, stared at Her, and blushed, both at the unexpected familiarity and the acknowledgment of her jest. "Y...yes, it was, Your Highness. Forgive my impertinence!"
She sighed and lay Her head back down on the soft pillow. "There's nothing to forgive, dear. You are now privy to my deepest, darkest secret...a bit of informality and levity between us is to be expected."
The intern paused again, then a slow smile grew on her lips. "As you wish, Your Highness." She bent to her task, then completed it within the next few minutes and straightened up. "There! All finished! We should see the results within 24 hours, and then, if all goes well, we can rule out any other causes that might have made you sick, Your Highness."
The alicorn raised Her head once more and gave her a weary smile. "I did mention we now enjoy an informal relationship, did I not?" Her smile brightened. "Please...call me Celestia."
Caroline was struck speechless.
House smirked as yet another Unicorn nurse had to be taken bodily from the research room where he and Rocky had been studying the 'Satyrion ', as she'd gotten too close to the sample with which they'd been working and accidentally inhaled a small portion.
The effect had been almost immediate.
The first thing to go had been her uniform, which she'd quickly reduced to rags in her haste to tear it off her body. Then, as Rocky had been the closest male, she'd fallen upon him and began madly kissing him, all the while screaming for him to "take her!" as her kissing became more passionate and...lower . Only Rocky's Earth pony strength saved him from what would have been a rather...indecent...scene.
The situation was in no way helped by the fact Dr. House was offering no assistance at all...rather he sat back and crossed his forelegs with a smile on his face, watching the show.
"House!" yelled Rocky, "A little help would be nice! " as he bent all his strength in fending off the desperate mare.
After about a minute, House leaned forward to the phone and pressed the intercom button. "Security to Doctor House's office. We've got another one." Within moments, three burly security types burst into the room, took a second to assess the situation, then tackled the unruly mare, quickly subduing her.
As they dragged her out, still kicking, screaming, and confessing her "love," Rocky readjusted himself and said, "Thanks for the eventual help House!" He went to the door and looked down the hall at her, then closed it and went back inside. "I suppose better late than never..."
But House was busy taking notes. "Did you happen to notice how long it took for her to come in contact with the substance, and then go berserk?"
Rocky gave him a sarcastic look. "Gee... no! For some reason, I was distracted!"
House stopped writing and looked up at him. "Almost sixty seconds. The last time it happened, it was less than thirty seconds." He pointed to the sample. "I diluted this with alcohol on a hunch, until it was one part per million, and it was still incredibly potent." He dropped his pencil and sat back. "We need another expert, someone who works with chemicals, and not someone like myself who's simply winging it."
Rocky stared at him. "Wait...so you weren't just having a giggle at my expense?"
House shook his head. "Sadly, no. Although it was an added bonus!" He leaned forward and pulled up the hospital's personnel directory. "Who does this place have on staff that's good at working with chemicals? We need to break this substance down and find out exactly how it works if we're going to save your Princess."
Rocky became thoughtful. "Just off the top of my head, we do have an oncologist that is also an analytical chemist."
House's eyes perked up. "An oncologist?"
The young mare wiped away a tear as she sat huddled with her husband in the doctor's office. He gently pushed a box of tissues over to her, which she gratefully accepted, as he went on with his diagnosis. "I'm afraid your options are limited, Mrs. Flowers." He sighed, and continued. "Given your symptoms, we believe you might have Stage II cervical cancer, which in that case we may have to remove your cervix."
Mrs. Flowers burst into fresh tears, and cried, "But...but my husband and I want to have foals! This will ruin our chances!"
The doctor nodded and said, "I understand it's a hard choice, but your life may be in danger if the cancer spreads any further. You have at best a week to decide, and then..." his voice trailed off as his door opened and a donkey barged into his office!
The intruder smiled and said, "Sorry folks, but the doctor is needed elsewhere!"
The doctor was struck speechless for a moment, but then quickly recovered and said, "I deeply apologize for the interruption!" He slowly got to his hooves, and said, "I'm...sorry, would you two excuse me for a moment? This won't take long." He gave them a smile, but as soon as he turned away his face morphed into an intense frown as he grabbed the donkey and pushed him out into the hallway.
"Are you out of your mind?! I was just in there telling that poor mare she has a week to make a life-or-death decision! What do you think you're doing?!" as he glared at the donkey.
The donkey grinned at him and said, "You're Dr. Wilheim, correct?"
His frown turned deeper. "Yes, and you're Dr. House! I know all about you! What do you want?!"
House showed him a chart. "I and my team, well, just an Earth pony and myself, are working on a substance your Princess has been using that has nearly killed her, and just might still if we can't figure out how it works." He straightened up and looked him in the eyes. "We need you."
Dr. Wilheim looked at the chart, then glared back up at House. "You couldn't have waited five minutes?"
House leaned around him and looked at the mare. "What's wrong with her?"
Wilheim's eyes flashed. "You know I can't disclose a patient's private information!" But House held up a hoof.
"Never mind; I can guess. You said it was a 'life-or-death situation?'" He jutted his chin at the couple. "You're an oncologist, so it's cancer-related, they're newly married, so it probably has something to do with them trying to start a family." He looked at Wilheim. "Cervical cancer, right? She doesn't want to do the surgery, because she's holding out hope you might be wrong." House frowned. "Are you?" Wilheim stared back at him, then slowly shook his head. House nodded. "I didn't think so." Then, before Wilheim could stop him, the donkey pushed past him and barged back into the office.
"Hey! What are you...!" but he was cut off as House began speaking.
"Excuse me? Moron?" House said as he tapped the mare on her shoulder. She spun around and looked up at him with frightened eyes.
"Who...who are you?!"
"Think of me as the Voice of Reason." He pointed to the stallion, who had jumped to his hooves with an angry look on his face. "That your husband, correct?"
The wife also got to her hooves and faced Dr. Wilheim. "Who IS this person?!"
House kept speaking. "If you love your husband, idiot, you should have the surgery! You can always adopt a kid, or a foal, or whatever it is you people call them on this planet!"
The husband rushed forward, drew back his hoof, and connected to House's jaw with one blow! He then stood over him and growled, "NOPONY talks to my wife like that!"
But the wife had burst into tears and looked at Dr. Wilheim. Quietly, she whispered, "D...Doctor? Am I being an...idiot?"
Dr. Wilheim helped House to his hooves, then reluctantly nodded. "My colleague is a bit short on manners, but he's correct. You need to do the surgery, dearest."
She turned to her husband and cried into his shoulder, then looked back at the doctors and nodded. "I'll schedule you for the procedure tomorrow morning, Mrs. Flowers," said Wilheim.
As they were leaving the office, Mr. Flowers growled back at Wilheim and said, "Who IS that jerk?"
Wilheim looked from him to House, who had taken a seat and was rubbing his jaw. Then he frowned back at the husband and said, "That jerk just saved your wife's life!"
After they'd gone, House clicked his jaw back into place and smiled up at Wilheim. "You remind me of someone I know back home."
Wilheim gave him a flat look. "Does he hate you too?"
House opened his pill bottle and stared at his last two half-pills. Since being sent to this weird place, the pain in his leg had been mercifully lessened, but he still needed his fix every other day or so in order to function and get some sleep.
Now, he was down to just the second to last one, as he took it and popped it into his mouth. He slowly replaced the top on the bottle, sat back in his chair, and sighed. He figured he had at least two more days, three if he stretched it, before things got too bad for him and he was no longer of any use. He wondered if that asshole would send him back if he didn't keep up his end of the bargain and save this Princess, but he already knew the answer to that question.
He wouldn't.
He looked up as his door opened and Wilhiem came in, holding a sheaf of papers. He paused when he saw the bottle on his desk, and asked, "Is that the pain-killer you've been using...that..."Vicodin"...you're running out of?"
House scowled at him and put the bottle back in his pocket. "Not your concern." He nodded at the papers. "What have you got for me?"
Wilhiem sat down in front of him with a determined look on his face. "On the contrary, it is my concern." He leaned forward. "From talking to Kelly, I've learned that what you have there is a narcotic . We don't use narcotics on this world for pain relief, for the simple fact they make ponies into addicts." His eyes bored into House's. "You're an addict, aren't you?"
Hose stared back just as intently. "No. I'm in pain . I have a muscle infarction in what is now my SECOND right leg, that won't just go away with sunshine and puppy kisses." He sat up as his face grew into a scowl. "And now, since your 'Lord of Chaos' had his little joke and turned me into a creature with FOUR fucking legs, I can't even use a crutch to take the weight off when I walk! The only reasons I haven't lost my mind to the pain yet are because of this narcotic , and the fact being here has somehow muted the agony I usually go through, so I've been able to hold off taking the amount I usually would!" He sat back, then quietly added, "So, if you don't mind, I'd like to solve this mystery and go home. I don't have time for a lecture from a prissy, cartoon fantasy horse."
Wilheim continued to stare at him. "I'm going to overlook the fact you just called me a 'whorse' and ask if you've ever tried Amitriptyline?"
House snorted. "I said I'm in pain , not depressed! " He shook his head, "Besides," he added, "I need a shot of scotch or five every night or so, and I like my liver right where it is, so no thanks..."
The Earth pony sighed. "Alright." He held out his hoof. "Give me the bottle."
House looked at him warily. "Why?"
"I'm not just an oncologist, I'm an analytical chemist. I'm sure I can break down your "medicine" (and here he used his hooves to make the air quotes) to get you more since that's what you need to function."
House slowly reached into his pocket, took out the bottle and stared at it, then looked up at him. "Why should I trust you?"
The doctor grimly smiled. "For the same reason I'm forced to trust you: we need each other.
The purple unicorn cautiously opened the door to Celestia's room, then nervously looked around first before entering. Two doctors, also unicorns, turned and looked at her. "Miss Sparkle," the male said as they both smiled, then he added, "Doctor House isn't here at the moment, so please be at ease."
Twilight let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding and became more confident as she strode into the room, then her face fell as she walked up to her Mentor's bedside, and saw that she'd been strapped down. Celestia's face was troubled, but she was sleeping soundly. "How...how is she?" She noted the nephrostomy bag attached to Celestia's bed, and her eyes grew alarmed when she noted the color of Her urine was a dark brown. She turned to the doctors and pointed. "Why is it that color? And why has she been hobbled?"
Robin tried to break the news gently. "There was an...episode...last night, when Her pain became so severe She tried to injure Herself...so the Doctor decided the restraints were needed." He sighed and continued. "As for Her urine color, we're still working on several theories, but rest assured, She'll be fine. We just finished Her allergy tests, which all came back negative. Now, there's simply the matter of finding out what's caused Her illness at the outset. House and our other colleague are working on that answer."
At this, Twilight looked sharply at them. "Just that donk -- I mean, just Dr. House and one other?!" Her eyes narrowed. "And this..other colleague...is he or she a...Unicorn , perchance?"
Both doctors frowned at her question. "No, Dr. Cardo happens to be an Earth pony, but what does that have to do with any--" started Robin, but scowled even further when he was interrupted.
"Unacceptable!" shouted Twilight. "Our Princess deserves the very best care possible! Why aren't the two of you working on the problem as well?!" Rocky and Caroline exchanged an uncomfortable look, but just as Caroline was about to speak, she was also cut off. "There's something you're not telling me!" Twilight stomped a hoof. "I demand to know what's made my Teacher sick, and why every measure isn't being taken to make Her well!"
Both doctors turned bright red but remained resolute. "We...can't say, Miss Sparkle. I'm sorry," said Caroline.
Just as she was drawing in breath for another retort, Celestia opened Her eyes, raised Her head, and said, "Twilight. Leave Me."
Twilight recoiled as if struck. "Your...Your Highness! I'm only trying to do what's best for--"
Celestia didn't shout, but Her voice was like a whip. "These doctors, including "that donkey ," have been entrusted with something of which I will not share even with you . You will not hinder them, nor will you ever berate them again. Am I clear?"
Twilight bowed her head as tears began to fall. "Y...yes, Your Highness."
Celestia placed Her head back on the pillow and closed Her eyes. "Now, as I said, leave Me. Come back when you have rid yourself of your prejudices for those who are trying to save My life ." Twilight turned and walked slowly to the door. Just before it closed she heard one last remark, and she turned to look at her Princess.
"Twilight? I still love you."
House and Cardo were huddled over the sample in the research lab, poring over Wilheim's notes. Rocky threw up his hooves in frustration. "This is hopeless!" he fumed. "According to these notes, the main ingredient in this Satryion is a wild orchid that no longer exists!" He looked at House. "How are we supposed to find out the properties of an extinct plant?!"
"It's relatively simple," replied House, "We know what it does, all we need to figure out is how it does it, and to do that, we need to sample it against known aphrodisiacs."
Rocky nodded. "So...we need to get samples of all known aphrodisiacs...I guess that shouldn't be too hard." He frowned. "But what about the really exotic ones?"
House smiled. "Way ahead of you. I made a few calls a day or so ago, using Luna's Name," and here he looked up at the clock, "...so our samples should be arriving soon."
Rocky shook his head. "You really are pushing it using Her Majesty's influence, House. But I guess, under the circumstances, it's understandable. So, who's bringing these---" he stopped as there was a knock on the door.
House got up himself and limped to the door. Just before he opened it, he looked over his shoulder, smiled, and said, "You're single, right?"
The other doctor's eyes grew wide."Uh...yeah, but why do you...oh..." as the door was opened, and three of the hottest mares he'd ever seen in his life sauntered in. They each were wearing jeweled saddlebags over their barrels, each had almond-shaped eyes and sweet, curvaceous rears that jiggled provocatively as they walked, and as he tore his view from them and glanced up he saw a crowd of ponies, both male and female, had followed them to the research room!
All of them were Earth pony mares, and they were clad in the most diaphanous, see-through black silk outfits, with lines of sparkling silver and gold that clung to their every curve and left little to the imagination! They each wore necklaces of various jewels that tinkled as they walked, and the lead mare wore a thin band of gold around her forehead with a glittering diamond in the center. Light bangles of gold around their forelegs and thin gold earrings completed their look, and their sweet, exotic perfume preceded them into the room, causing both males to take further notice!
The lead mare with the dark, purple mane and ruby lips smiled up at the two and said, "Weech wun ov you iz Doctair Houze?"
House raised a hoof. "That would be me, darlin'."
She then nodded to the others, so they took off their saddlebags, then she said, "We 'av your liquides de plaisir ." One of the other mares whispered in her ear, so she then said, "Ah! Pardon , 'ow yu say, ...ze "aphrodisiacz" yu asked for. Where du yu wantz zem?"
"Just place them on the table." He then looked out the door, said, "Show's over, people," and closed it, to the sounds of disappointed groans. They soon had about twenty exotic-looking bottles lined up on the table, some distinctly phallic-shaped, then they turned their attentions to the two males.
One of the other mares, also with a sultry dark mane and a smoky gaze, slowly approached Rocky and whispered, "And wat iz yur name, mon beau? "
He swallowed, then managed, "R...Rocky..."
Her eyes grew wide. "Oooo! Zuch a guud name for zuch a beeg étalon! " She licked her lips, then looked back at her sisters, giggled and said, "Celui-ci a l'air de pouvoir donner du bon temps à une fille , non ...? " As they all giggled back, nodded, and replied, "Oui! " she then closed the distance and whispered in his ear, which made his face turn all the redder. Finally, he reluctantly shook his head.
"I...can't right now, Miss...I..."
She silenced him with a sweet kiss, then whispered, "...je m'appelle Nadia ..."
He drew back slightly. He didn't speak Prench, but the breathy last word and context was unmistakable. "Umm...okay...Nadia...I....have to work on this---"
"I don't need you for the next few hours," smirked House. "Get lost."
Rocky looked at him as if his birthday had come early. But then he shook his head and said, No, House...I appreciate the offer but---"
"No buts! I knew the effect these ladies would have on you, and I need your mind clear!" He limped over to the table and added, "Besides, I'm going to lock away the original "sample" until we're done examining these others, so your colleagues will be working with me." He turned back to him. "Now as I said, get lost."
Rocky looked at House, then down at the sultry mare. "If you're sure..." Then he smiled and said, "My place isn't far from here..."
The other mares, the last one a redhead, sidled up to them both and said, "Iz yur bed beeg enuff for four?"
Just before they all left, House cautioned him with, "Rocky? Use the back stairs when you leave the building. Et les filles? " They all looked back at him. "N'épuisez pas trop mon stagiaire'. J'ai besoin de lui... "
They giggled again, and the lead sister said, "Wee do not make zee promises!"
"He did WHAT?! "
Daphne flinched from her Boss's anger and shakily nodded. "Y...yes ma'am...three of them! One of the security guards did try to stop them, but...but one of them...of them...kissed him, and told him Dr. House had sent for them!"
Kelly sat back down and began rubbing her temples. After a moment, she muttered, "Don't tell me, let me guess: he then gave them directions to find House?"
"Yes...yes, ma'am..."
She sighed and sat back. "That will be all for now, Daphne. Keep me posted when you hear anything new." Her secretary nodded and fled. Kelly turned her chair and stared out the window. She honestly didn't know how much more she could take. Having Her Royal Highness here, for the first time in recorded history, was supposed to be a boon for her career and for her Hospital! All of Equestria, no, the entire world , would see her as the Hero that saved their Princess, and fame and fortune would follow in her hoofsteps for the rest of her life!
But now? Now she'd been...replaced! Replaced by this...this...donkey ...whom nopony had ever seen before, who somehow had won the full confidence of the Night Princess Herself in only a day's time...
She turned back to her desk and picked up the latest reports. Her frown turned deeper as she read about the fall of those doctors who had tried to discredit the donkey, and she barely repressed a shudder as she read further about the details of how the Princess had dealt with them. She pushed those papers away and picked up another, reading about how three of her nurses had been overcome with lust after encountering some strange substance that donkey had introduced into her Hospital, without first consulting her! Two of them were still under restraints even now, begging to be ravished, even doing so while under heavy sedation!
She knew, from talking to the donkey's failed candidates, that he claimed to be from another world, and that Discord was somehow involved. While she herself didn't believe it, she wondered if the Princesses were aware of this claim, and if so, did that have any bearing on why they'd so readily accepted his help? True, he had cured Her Highness of Her most pressing ailment, but she was sure her own hoof-picked staff would have found the parasite given time, and certainly would have done so without the stain on Her Majesty's Honor! Every time she closed her eyes, she could still see him with that tick in his mouth, having just plucked it from Her Majesty's Royal Vagina! In front of scores of witnesses! That she had brought before them!
If she lived to be a thousand, she would never live down that humiliation!
Well! She'd taken her hooves off this matter for long enough! It was time for her to get directly involved, and see for herself just exactly what this doctor was doing in her Hospital. She'd be damned if she'd allow him to bring dangerous materials in, and flaunt her authority by indulging himself with foreign sluts during working hours, and further disrupting her staff!
Even Luna Herself would have to agree with her!
"Thou did WHAT?!"
Luna's Voice thundered throughout the lab, making the very walls shake and threatening to burst every glass bottle. Wilheim, Robin, and Caroline had already fallen to their faces, but House remained standing, coolly gazing up at Her.
"I wouldn't have brought in another if it was not absolutely necessary, Luna." He turned and looked at the prostate doctor. "This is the premier analytical chemist in this hospital, and I hit a snag in my research. I had to seek his help, otherwise, we'll be unable to discover just exactly how that crap works, in order to save your Sister."
The Princess ground Her teeth as she stared at him, then she turned to Wilhiem. "You! Rise!"
He got shakily to his hooves and stood, but kept his gaze on the floor. "Y...yes, Your Highness?"
"LOOK AT ME!!"
He slowly raised his head, only to see Her eyes were blazing white, and he shrank back but did not dare take his eyes off Her.
She stepped closer. "Know this: If. Thou. EVER reveal this secret, TO ANYONE , thou will CURSE the day thee were born!" She leaned down even closer, and Her voice became low and dangerous. "...am I clear...?"
"YES, Your Highness!"
She held his gaze for a few more moments, then stepped back, while Her eyes returned to normal. "House? I have said before that I do not like thee. That has not changed. But what has also not changed is My trust in thee. Thou did save mine Sister from that terrible, tiny creature that would have taken Her life when all others failed, simply because they were sore afraid of disrespecting Her Dignity. None other would have violated Her in such a way, in so casual a manner, as thou did, and for that, thee...and thy team, have Mine Eternal Gratitude."
House waved a hoof. "Yeah, yeah...whatever, Princess. Now then, if your speech is over, I'd really like to get back to work." All the others gasped behind him, and even Luna took a step back, as did Her guards, but House had already turned away and was picking up Wilhiem's notes. When he noticed he was the only one moving, he yelled, "Hey! Let's get to work! This puzzle isn't going to solve itself!"
But just as the doctors shook themselves out of their stupor, gave an apologetic look to Her Highness, and walked up next to House to aid him in the research, there was a loud banging on the lab door.
"House! It's the Dean of Medicine! I want to know what you brought into my Hospital and exactly what you're doing!"
" Open this door AT ONCE!"
A Few Differences..."Resolved."
"HOUSE! I said open thi--" but the scream died in her throat as the door suddenly opened, and she found herself staring straight into the eyes of Her Royal Princess of the Night. She took a few steps back, bowed, and stammered, "Pr...Princess Luna! I...I didn't know you...you were here!" She cast a brief glance inside the room, to see that donkey standing with his back to her , then quickly looked back up at Her Highness. "I...I was just--"
"Raising thine voice to be allowed into this room, aye, I am aware," said Luna in a flat voice. She took a menacing step forward, while the Dean cringed back. "Understand this: the research Doctor House is doing is for Mine and his staff's eyes alone." She lowered her voice and continued. "THOU were the one who allowed those charlatans access to My Sister...ones that would have meant her Death if Doctor House had not intervened..."
Kelly shook her head. "That...that's not true, Your Highness! I assure you, I picked those doctors because they were the Best in Equestria! They--"
"... all had not practiced medicine in at least a YEAR! " She stepped forward again. "I read their files, so I know their careers. I also know they each paid thee a large sum of bits to be here, in order to get close to mine Sister..."
Kelly's face lost color at this, and then she threw herself down at Her knees, prostrating before Her. "Forgive me, Your Highness! They told me they'd see me REMOVED from this hospital if I didn't hire them! I'll do anything, ANYTHING to make it right!"
At this, House stopped what he was doing and came over. Luna turned Her attention to him. "Doctor?" But he was looking at the prostrated mare. She looked up at him, and he stared into her eyes as something passed between them, then turned to Luna.
"She's telling the truth; they did threaten her." As he was going back to his work, he said, "Cut her some slack, Luna."
Luna stared down at her and narrowed her eyes, then said, "Rise." Kelly stood shakily to her hooves and remained trembling as she looked fearfully into Her Monarch's gaze. "Despite thine prevarication, it would seem thou hast a defender. Therefore, I shall not punish thee as thou deserves."
Eliza's face lit up, and close to tears she cried, "Thank you, Your Highness, thank you! I promise you, you won't regre---"
"Be silent." Then Luna spoke over her shoulder. "House!" At his annoyed, "What?" Her face flushed with further anger, but she grit her teeth and said, "This one will do whatever thou ask, without question, from this moment on. Be that acceptable?"
House paused to look back at Kelly again, then said, "Just tell her to stay out of my way...I don't have time for bullshit and we're fighting against the clock here." Then he turned back to his work.
Luna looked back down. "Dost thou understand?"
Kelly frantically nodded. "Yes, yes, anything!"
She stared at her again, then said, "Doctor House has spoken up for thee...so thou art saved...THIS time. Thou will do everything thou canst to make sure this Hospital runs smoothly during this emergency, AND thou will assist Doctor House and his team in every way possible. Am I clear?"
"YES, Your Highness!"
"Acceptable. Now, begone! " Kelly picked herself up and ran, as the Princess watched her scurry off. She then turned to House. "Doctor, I take My leave of thee once more. Please keep me informed of any changes in My Sister."
He stopped what he was doing, and looked back at Her. He bit back the sarcastic retort that was about to break free, and simply said, "You'll be the first to know."
Kelly was still shaking in her office an hour later, when her intercom beeped. She held out a trembling hoof and answered it. "Y...yes, Daphne?"
"Ma'am, Doctor House is here and he--" but that's as far as she got before Kelly's door opened, and he walked in, grin in place, followed by Kelly's aide.
"I tried to stop him, Ma'am, but he just brushed past---" Kelly held up a hoof.
"I understand, Daphne. Just...see that we're not disturbed."
She nodded to her Boss, scowled up at House, and then left, closing the door behind her.
Kelly leaned wearily back in her chair as the donkey took a seat without invitation. "Come to gloat?" she asked in a tired voice.
He smiled. "Nah...just come to say: well done!"
Narrowing her eyes, she muttered, "What are you talking about?"
His smile grew wider. "The way you played "Her Highness." (she could hear the air quotes in his voice!) That took some balls!" He stood up and looked down at her lap. "You hiding a pair down there?"
Kelly's face flushed as she crossed her back legs, then spoke through gritted teeth. "NO , and don't change the subject: what are you talking about, 'playing Her Highness?!' I did no such thing!"
He sat back in his chair. "Sure you did. Lied through your teeth right to Her face...I didn't know you had it in you...or any of you ponies to lie to your precious Princesses. Good to know."
Eliza raised her chin. "I did NOT lie..." She frowned at his smirk, then added, "...entirely." He held up a hoof as she opened her mouth to explain further.
"No need to tell me, I could see it in your eyes. They didn't actually threaten you, did they?" She stared at him, then slowly shook her head.
"No...they offered me a position as the Head of the Board of Directors for this Hospital...and for the ones in every major city in Equestria...if I allowed them to work on Her Highness..." She leaned forward, "But, you don't understand! I needed ---" then he stopped her again.
"Don't care about your reasonings, I'm just satisfied to know you ponies aren't much different from humans, despite your "innocent" looks and cutesie faces, you're all lying, cheating bitches and bastards." He sighed. "I feel more at home than ever!"
At this, the Dean's face flushed again, but then she remembered. "I...suppose I should....should...thank you, for what you said to Her Highness. You could have exposed me, but you didn't." She cocked her head. "Why?"
"Real simple." His grin became more self-satisfied.
"Now? You owe me."
As he was leaving her office and limping back to his own, a pony called, "Doctor House!" He looked over his shoulder, only to see that stallion that had punched him the other day. "Great ..." he thought to himself, "...here comes Round Two ..." He tried to ignore the stallion and sped up as well as he could, but he was soon overtaken.
"Doctor House! Do you remember me?" the stallion asked.
House stopped, reached into his pocket for the pills that were no longer there, grimaced, and said, "I never forget a left hook, or whatever it is you ponies call it. Excuse me..." and made to brush past him, but was stopped again.
"I'm Flowers...you know, the one who was here the other day with my wife? I just wanted to say...sorry."
House sighed. "I'm really busy, bud, so if you don't mind, I need to get back to work." This time, when he started off, the pony didn't try to stop him but walked along with him.
"I truly am sorry for punching you...but I thought you should know my wife's surgery went well, and we're both grateful you talked some sense into---"
House rounded on him. "Look! I don't care about you or your wife...tell your life story to your doctor. If he's anything like Wilson, he'll bake you a cake or give you one of his kidneys and tell you both how amazing you are...I'm busy ..."
Flowers stared at him with his mouth open. "You...you're not like any doctor I've ever had to talk to..."
"...and hopefully, never again..." House put his head down and stormed off, as the stallion still stood there, stunned. When House was just turning the corner to get to his office, he looked up, stopped, and tried to disappear behind the wall.
But it was too late, she'd spotted him!
Twilight jumped to her hooves and ran towards him, crying out, "Doctor House!" to his rapidly retreating back. She gave chase, then came up short as she rounded the corner. She glanced around, puzzled. "Doctor...?" Then she heard a closet door silently shut. She walked quietly up to it, then cautiously pressed her ear against it. She heard a mumbled, "...go away, go away, go away..." coming from inside, and then, never ever quite learning the meaning of the concept, 'HINT,' she lit her horn and opened the door. "Doctor...House...?"
He reluctantly looked over his shoulder at her and said, "...never heard of him. No one in here but us donkeys." As his temporary "hiding" place turned out to be a janitor's closet, he had even removed his wool jacket and slipped on a maintenance worker's smock. She stared at him for a moment and then smiled.
"I know it's you, Doctor House...I'm not so easily fooled!" As he sighed and put his jacket back on, she added, "I just wanted to talk to you to see if there's anything I can do to help...anything at all."
Limping out of the closet, he said, "Refresh my memory: you're not a doctor, a nurse, or know anything about medicine, correct?"
She shook her head. "No, Sir, but I'm eager to learn! Plus, I have access to the Royal Library, so I can find information on any subject you need!" At this, he paused. Staring into her bright face, and seeing the radiant HOPE shining in her eyes, he had no problem stamping it out like a cigarette butt...
"I'm going to make this as clear as I can: I. Don't. Need. You." Twilight's mouth fell open, and she took a few steps back in shock. But, just as she was about to further protest, he added, "I don't know who you are, but if you're not a medical professional, you're worthless, and you're an annoyance. You're wasting my time, so the best thing you can do is to leave my team and I alone so we can do our jobs. Now, piss off..." With that, he brushed past her and off to his office, as she stood there staring at his back.
"...but...but...I can...help..." she whispered. If he heard her, he gave no sign as he kept walking, then opened his door and went inside, allowing it to slam shut. She winced at the sound, and then, fighting back tears, she turned and made her way out of the hospital.
House studied the report on the Princess' bloodwork. "These numbers are insane..." he muttered. "If your Princess was a human, she'd be dead already from her heightened porphyrins..." He looked up at his team. "You all thinking what I'm thinking?"
They all exchanged worried looks, then Caroline said, "You're referring to the chemicals that make hemoglobin...but if Her Majesty's levels have increased, then that would explain Her brown urine, but that would also mean She has another condition, another fatal one..."
House grimly smiled. "All together now, class..." They all, Caroline, Robin, and Doctor Wilheim, spoke at once:
"Porphyria..."
A SLIGHT change in Perspective
"Whoa, WHOA!" yelled Gregory House, as he backed away from a patient who was wielding a knife. But instead of coming after the doctor, the young man turned and inserted the blade into a nearby wall socket, instantly electrocuting himself. House stood there in stunned amazement as the boy twitched, then fell over, as the socket shorted out and caused the lights on the entire floor to blink out. Several nurses rushed into the clinic room, alerted by the sounds of his screams and the sparks, as House still stood there. After a few minutes, he turned and went back to his office.
"So, why did you do it?" asked House as he stood at the foot of the young man's bed a few hours later.
The young man smiled, (as best he could) and said, "A week ago I was hit by a drunk driver, head-on. The EMTs pulled me out of the wreck, and said I was dead for ninety-seven seconds." The boy's face lit up as he continued. "I saw things I can't describe...but those were the best ninety-seven seconds of my life! " He looked away. "I...just wanted to experience that again."
House smiled, and said, "Okay, here's what happened: your brain was shutting down, and the increased levels of--" but the boy cut him off.
"No! It was...real! "
House looked at him, then turned and left.
"Why couldn't you just let him have hope?! " Wilson shouted.
"Because it's a lie! " House shouted back.
"And how would you know?! What makes you so damn sure?!"
"I don't need to go to Chicago to know that it smells! Just like I don't need to die to know that this is all that there is! There's NOTHING beyond all this!" He gestured around him. "NOTHING!!"
Wilson stared at him, then his shoulders slumped and he sighed. "You could be wrong." As he turned and walked away, he added over his shoulder, "...but I guess you'll only find out when you die."
House watched him leave his office, then pulled the boy's knife out of his pocket, and turn and stare at one of the wall sockets.
House's next full memory was waking up on his back in a white, featureless room, with no floor, no walls, and no ceiling. He stood shakily and looked around for his cane. His right leg was still crippled, and he was fully clothed but other than that he had no idea what had happened to him. The last thing he remembered was sticking that knife into the wall socket, then everything going blank.
"Hello? Is anybody there? Where am I?"
A disembodied Voice answered, "You're in Heaven..."
House looked around. "Bullshit."
The Voice cackled, "Just kidding! You're in Limbo until I decide how best to place you."
House stumbled around in a circle, holding his bad leg, trying to pinpoint the voice. "'Place' me? Place me where? And....just who are you?"
House could actually hear the smile in Its voice. "I have many Names, but you can call me The Lord of Chaos. I've been watching you for some time, my boy, and I have someone, or rather, somepony , who has need of you."
House's eyebrows raised. "The Lord of Chaos'...so...you're telling me you're some sort of god?" House smirked. "Well, you can stop right there, bud. There's no such Thing, and even if there was, why would It care about anything I do?"
The Voice chuckled. "You are a treat! Look around you! Can you explain your surroundings?"
House took a moment to stare about him. Even though he couldn't see a floor, he could feel his shoes touching something solid. He felt a great weight of infinite space pressing down from every direction, but as far as he could see, all was sheer white, with no discernable features. "This could all be some sort of fever dream, a psychosis, brought on by my near-death experience," he finally said. His voice growing more confident, he added, "For all I know, my body is lying in the ICU right now, being worked on by my fellowship candidates, as useless as most of them are." Then he did a double-take as one of the Voice's last sentences caught up with him.
"Hang on...did you say, 'somepony? ' has need of me? I'm a doctor , not a veterinarian."
The Voice chuckled again. "Okay, this is where it really gets fun! Let me show you the planet I'll be sending you to!"
Despite himself, House felt a sense of awe come over him as his face lost a bit of color. "P...planet? As in...not Earth?"
Again with the smile. "Surely you didn't truly believe yours was the only reality, did you?" Then there was the unmistakable sound of fingers snapping, and an entire section of space in front of him began to twist and change.
As a view of another world began to unfold before his astonished eyes, House still couldn't resist getting in one last jab.
"I never said it wasn't possible. And don't call me 'Shirley.'"
House struggled to sit down, then reached into his jacket pocket for his painkillers. After popping one in his mouth, he reconsidered and took another. Then he looked at the bottle, and his heart sank as he counted only four pills left. Taking a deep breath, he finally spoke.
"What. In the actual FUCK! Was THAT?!"
"The current beings there call that planet Equiss, and the Kingdom I showed you is now called 'Equestria."
House scowled. "You know what I mean," he growled. "Those weren't humans! They were little cartoon horses! What IS this, a fairy tale?! Are you making fun of me?!"
"Not at all, my boy! I assure you they're all sapient, and all are just as diverse and...can be as...heh heh...perverse as any human!"
Gregory struggled to his feet again, leaned over, and clutched his bad leg. "I don't have time for this. Send me back, wake me up, do something! I'm needed back in the real world, not some little girl's fairy tale!"
The Voice took on a serious note. "I wouldn't have brought you here if you weren't needed." An image of a pure white unicorn appeared before House's eyes, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to various machines while being surrounded by other ponies in lab coats. "This is Princess Celestia, a very dear, very, very old friend of mine." The Voice paused, then added, "She's dying."
House scowled. "Everybody dies. Sometimes, there's nothing anyone can do about it."
The Voice changed again. "You. Are going to save her."
House looked at her, then looked around again. "I already told you: I'm not a veterinarian. There's nothing I can do. You got the wrong guy, 'Mister Lord of Chaos,'" He turned so he could no longer see the unicorn's suffering face, then added, "Besides, didn't you refer to yourself as some sort of god? What's stopping you from saving her?"
"That's the point: I'm Chaos , not Order , and even I have to follow certain rules."
House smirked. "Sounds to me like you're simply making excuses."
The Voice sighed. "In another multiverse, I did do as you suggest. Once ." It paused, then slowly said, "Would you like to see the results?"
House shrugged. "If it will shorten the time I have to put up with you, then fire away."
"Alright. One last question though: when was the last time you ate?"
"A few hours ago. Why?"
"Just wondering."
House had long since stopped throwing up his last meal and was now suffering from dry heaves. "Make it stop! Make it stop! " he yelled between bouts of sickness. He was on his hands and knees, his eyes tightly shut as he also fought desperately to keep his bowels intact.
The Voice held a note of sympathy. "It's over...I put it all away. But now, I hope you understand a bit better why you're needed."
House heaved one last time, then painfully opened one eye and looked around. Breathing in a sigh of relief, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and struggled to his feet again. He reached into his pocket for his painkillers, took out a pill, broke it in half, and swallowed it. He held up the bottle. "I'll help as long as I have these. Once these run out, I'm no good to you or anyone." He put the bottle back in his pocket. "But as I said, I'm not a veterinarian, I'm a people doctor. What exactly are you expecting me to do?"
"Solve the puzzle, of course," answered the Voice. "It's what you're best at, I know." Then the Voice chuckled, and added, "Besides, once I change you into one of them, your medical knowledge will transfer to their species."
House's face lost color as he took a few steps back. "W...wait! No one said anything about changing me into another creature!"
"Don't be silly! How else are you going to blend in and be allowed to attend to Her Royal Highness? Did you happen to notice any other , two-legged bipedal human doctors in that hospital?" The Voice laughed again and said, "Don't worry! You won't feel any different, and the change will be temporary, I assure you!"
House scowled, then said, "The quicker I do this, the quicker I can go home?"
"You have my Word!"
He raised an eyebrow. "And just how am I supposed to trust the word of The Lord of Chaos?"
The Voice laughed outright. "You can't!" It took a few moments to compose Itself, then said, "Shall we begin?"
House sighed, and muttered, "Yeah, whatever...let's get this over with." He looked up. "What am I going to be? One of those prissy unicorns?"
House could hear the Voice's smile once more. "Oh, I'm thinking something far more fitting with your personality."
SNAP!<
House came to inside an office. He sat up and looked around. He could see medical charts, books, and a desk. On the desk was a stethoscope, along with a 3D model of a pony, showing the various organs. He still felt a bit groggy, so he shook his head to clear it, then tried to reach into his pocket. Then he looked down. Instead of a hand, he now had a brown hoof. His snout, from where he could see, was long, and he reached up awkwardly and felt his ears. They were also long. A sinking feeling began in his stomach, so he searched around for a mirror. Finding one on the far wall, he got shakily to his hooves and stumbled over to it. Then he froze as he stared at his reflection.
"That...bastard!!"
He'd been turned into a donkey.
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House meets his Team, (including the Mane Six) and becomes a Friendly, Well-Adjusted Doctor
"So...who is this we're meeting again?" A crowd of doctors of various ages were gathered outside a large office that had been allocated to a certain...individual...whom nopony had ever seen before. The doctor who had spoken turned to her companions and waited, but all shrugged and stated they were all as confused as she. Then they all turned as the door burst open, and one of their colleagues, whom most of them knew, came running out in tears.
Some tried to stop her as she ran, but all they could get out of her as she kept fleeing was, "He's horrible! " Then she was down the corridor and gone.
Then they all jumped as they heard a gruff voice call out, "Next!" They all exchanged glances, then one male swallowed, squared his shoulders, and stepped forward. Placing his hoof on the door, he took a deep breath, then pushed his way in.
Once inside, he stopped for a moment in surprise. There, seated at a desk and struggling to open a pill bottle, was the last creature he expected to see: a donkey! He slowly sat down, and said, "You're...Doctor House?" The donkey finally got the bottle open, looked inside, grimaced, then shook one pill out. He carefully split it in half with a knife, popped one half in his mouth, then slid the other half off to the side. Then he looked up at the young male.
"A patient presents with drooping eyelids and double vision, and later on has slurred speech, with decreasing motor functions that improve with rest." The donkey stared at him. "What would be your initial diagnosis?"
The young doctor began to sweat. "Umm...lupus?"
"GET OUT!!"
All flags were already at half-mast throughout the Kingdom of Equestria, and over the entire City of Canterlot hung a cloud of dread, as each subject dealt with the news of Celestia's illness in his or her own way. Few things flew faster than rumor and gossip, but the strangest rumor, that nopony believed, was that a donkey , a complete stranger, was being trusted by none other than Princess Luna Herself to save Princess Celestia!
Such news did little to settle the mind of Twilight as she and her friends raced to Canterlot on the first available train, once word of her Mentor's illness reached her. She paced up and down the train car almost the entire ride, with several medical books suspended in the air in front of her as she frantically tried reading them all at once. "Twi, yer gonna give yerself a conniption if'n yew keep that up, gal," said Applejack.
The purple unicorn looked up at her, her eyes slightly wild. "I have to do something , Applejack!" She turned back to her books and continued pacing. "Maybe there's something in here the doctors might have missed..." she muttered.
"Sweetie," tried Rarity, "...do you honestly believe you're going to obtain a medical degree by the time we arrive in Canterlot? Please try to relax! I am quite certain Her Majesty is in good hooves!"
Twilight turned her head so fast the books dropped. "Good hooves? Good hooves?! He's a donkey!! I've never heard of a donkey being smart enough to be a doctor, and somehow this stranger is going to save the Princess' LIFE?! "
At this, Pinkie stared at her with a look of both shock and disappointment. "Twilight..." she quietly spoke, "I know you're upset and worried about the Princess, but you just said something very ugly, and I hope you didn't mean it."
Twilight recoiled from Pinkie's words as if struck, then she sat heavily down, closed her eyes, and began to weep. Big, fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she sobbed, "I didn't mean it." She heaved a great cry and said, "I...I can't lose her. I...just...can't..."
Pinkie was the first to come forward and enfold her in a hug, followed by the others.
The waiting candidates had dwindled down to just a few. Many had simply fled without being interviewed, while those that remained did so with resolute expressions on their faces. Among them was a big Earth pony, who sat far away from the others, tapping a hoof. He'd sat back, watched, and listened to all the talk about the new doctor, and he was eager to meet him.
But first, he'd let a few more of these others twist in the wind.
After about ten minutes, when two more were rejected, he made his move. Shoving his way past a mare who was trying to work up her nerve to go in, he gruffly said, "Excuse me," and pushed the door open, ignoring her gasp of indignation. The first thing he did when entering was lock eyes on the doctor, then sit down. The doc coolly returned his gaze, then smiled.
"Coffee."
The Earth pony blinked. "W...what?"
The doctor's smile grew wider. "Coffee. Cream, two sugars. Chop, chop."
The pony slowly got up and turned around. As he almost made it to the door, he stopped and looked back. "So...I'm hired?"
But the doctor had already looked down and was reading another file. "That depends on how good you are at following orders." He looked up. "And send in that mare you almost ran over getting in here."
The stallion blushed, then opened the door. All the others stared at him as he stood there for a moment in shock. Then he shook himself, looked down at the mare, and said, "He wants to see you next," then bolted down the hall to the cafeteria.
The Royal Hospital's Dean of Medicine was a mare quite used to stress. Even though she was relatively young for her position, her mane and tail had premature grey streaks in them, so the Presence of Their Majesties in her hospital for the first time in recorded history guaranteed she'd have quite a few more! Added to this situation were the now twenty or so doctors cramming into or trying to get into her office, all to complain about the new doctor's treatment of them!
She was truly stuck between a rock and hard place; she couldn't directly reprimand him, as he had The Night Princess' full support, yet she also couldn't simply overlook his insolent attitude towards her staff, some of whom had descended from generations of medicine, and whose families were huge financial supporters.
"He called me an idiot! " one mare sobbed. "He said I was better suited to be a plumber! " a stallion shouted. And on and on it went, one accusation after another, until the Dean raised her hooves and said, "Enough, everypony! We have a Royal crisis on our hooves, and this doctor is the only one the Princess trusts to save Her Sister! I promise I will speak to him, but until then, I need every one of you to do your jobs and remain calm! "
They all grumbled at this, but after a moment all turned and filed out, much to her vast relief. She leaned back in her chair and rubbed her temples for a few minutes, then sat forward and clicked the intercom for her secretary. "Daphne, get the new doctor's office number and tell him to come to my office, please?"
"Right away, Miss Kerry!"
After a very short time, her intercom buzzed again, and her secretary had an unusual tone to her voice. "Umm...Miss Kerry? I...did as you asked..."
She frowned. "And? What's the problem?"
Kerry could hear her swallow over the intercom. "He...said he hasn't got time to...to...waste talking to you! I'm sorry, ma'am...those were his words!"
A cold anger seized her, but she kept her voice level. "Don't worry about it, Daphne...I'll take care of it."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Kerry clicked the intercom off, sat back, and took a deep breath. Then another. Then again, until she felt her heart rate was sufficiently slowed, then calmly got to her hooves and started for the door.
Only to be stopped once again by a herd of ponies, all demanding her attention. Twilight was the first to speak. "Miss Kerry, I'm Twilight Sparkle, Her Majesty's protégé, and these are my friends! Please tell us her condition, and please, PLEASE tell me you have faith in this new doctor!"
Kerry smiled inwardly. This is perfect! ALL six of the Element Bearers here, possibly able to back me up while I put this jerk in his place! This couldn't have worked out better if I'd planned it! Outwardly, she nodded. "I have heard of you all, and it's pleasure to meet you, though I wish it were under better circumstances. As for the new doctor, his name is Doctor House, and I was just on my way to see him. You all are welcome to accompany me, if you'd like?"
"So, why did someone as hot as you become a doctor?"
The mare startled at the question, then frowned. "I beg your pardon, Doctor House, but that's an inappropriate question!"
House sat back and smiled. "I've only been in your country for a day or so, but that's been long enough to see it isn't so different as where I'm from. Beauty opens doors, ugly has to work for it. You chose a profession in which you had to put in some actual work , instead of sitting back and letting your fine ass and your sweet face bring it all to you for free. So, again, why did you become a doctor?"
The struggle was visible on her face, but she finally answered, "Because I'm needed! Because there are assholes like YOU who can't see past my "fine ass" and don't expect to see anything else! Because I needed to prove I'm better than that!!" She glared at him, her chest heaving, then said, "Fuck you," got to her hooves and turned for the door.
Only to stop when she heard, "We start tomorrow at six AM. Don't be late."
She turned back around. "What makes you think I want to work for you now?"
House shrugged. "You said it yourself: because you're needed."
There were only three brave souls still waiting when the door opened and the last mare came out. They all saw the look on her face, and one was about to ask her how it went when the door opened again and the doctor himself hobbled out into the hall. All except the mare froze as he stared at them, then said, "The rest of you, come inside right now." Then he made his way back in and say heavily down as they followed him. He took a sip from his coffee before stating, "I'm actually a human being, sent here from a planet called Earth, to save your Princess Celestia." He paused, reading their stunned faces, then continued. "Here's the deal: I don't care about her, and I don't care about any of you. But I do care about solving mysteries, and your pony doctors don't seem to know what's killing her." He reached into his pocket and took out his bottle of painkillers and set it on the desk. "This is called Vicodin, a narcotic analgesic, which you don't have here. One of the first things I did when I came to this hospital was to check, and it figures that you would have just about every other medicine we have from Earth but the one I need. So you see, I have added motivation to solve this mystery, for once this runs out my usefulness runs out as well." He sat up and looked intently into their eyes. "I need at least one more team member who can help me save her. Any volunteers?"
The doctors all looked at each other, then one said, "You're crazy..." got up and left. But the two others, a mare and a stallion, stayed. House smiled.
"Still think I'm crazy, don't you?"
They both looked at each other, then looked at him and nodded, then the mare said, "I could use a little crazy in my life. And if it will help save the Princess, I'm in!"
House smiled again at her. "You...want crazy in your life?"
She smiled back. "If it will help me do my job, then sure."
He shook his head. "It won't. Get out."
She drew in a sharp breath, then jumped to her hooves. "You...you...asshole!!" But House merely waved at her. She ground her teeth, trying to think of some retort, then finally turned and fled.
The stallion watched her go, then looked back at House. "You're a dick."
"And you're ugly." He grabbed a copy of Celestia's medical records and threw it to him. "And now that the 'stating the obvious' game is over, read that, memorize it, and give me TEN diagnoses by six tomorrow morning."
Miss Eliza Kerry had trouble keeping the smile off her face as they turned the final corner to the new doctor's office. She could almost rub her hooves in anticipation of the look on his face when he was confronted not only by her but also by all SIX of Equestria's greatest heroes!
She paused to savor the moment as they all stopped in front of his door, then raised a hoof and knocked. They all heard a "Go away!" and were startled, but she composed herself and said, "Doctor House? It's the Dean of Medicine! I have some guests with me who all need to speak with you!"
Then they all heard hoofsteps making their way to the door, and it was flung open. A surly face looked out at them and said, "Are you all deaf?! I said, 'Go! Away!" Then he slammed the door, and they heard it lock.
"That...that...jerk! " cried Rainbow.
"May...maybe we should come back later...?" ventured Fluttershy.
But Applejack had reached her limit. "Y'all open this door or Imma gonna buck it in, ya fool!"
"No need, Applejack," said Twilight, "...give me a second..." She lit her horn, directing her magic to the lock. There was a gentle >click< and the door was open. The donkey looked up from his desk.
"I see privacy is not a thing in this world."
Twilight had the grace to look embarrassed. "I do apologize, Sir, but we really, really needed to speak to you!"
He sat back and sighed. "Well then, by all means, make yourselves at home!" He closed the file he was perusing and said, "Just know that for every minute of my time you waste, it's another minute you waste that I could be spending saving your Princess." He looked around at them all. "Just making sure we have our priorities in line."
That stopped them all cold. Suddenly, the reasons for being there didn't seem that important, but Twilight was still concerned and had her doubts. "I...I just have to ask, Sir...how confident are you that you can save Princess Celestia? I'm sure you love Her as much as we all do so---" but he cut her off.
"I don't."
Her eyes grew wide. "Ex...excuse me?!"
House sighed. "I don't give a rat's ass about her. All I care about is solving this puzzle, then going home." He met her gaze without flinching. "Does that answer your question?"
They all exchanged shocked looks with each other, then one by one turned and left. Just before she shut the door, Twilight looked over her shoulder and said, "Solving the puzzle means saving her life, correct?" The donkey simply stared at her.
She grimly smiled, then said, "If there's anything else you need, let us know."
Then she quietly shut the door and was gone.
Author's Note
I lied.
