Chapters Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
I stepped back into the room with Luna and sat on my haunches. Luna looked at me expectantly. Second after second passed as I struggled to speak. The longer I remained silent, the more awkward it seemed, the more anxious I got, and the harder it became to speak. Within a few moments, I started silently panicking, my eyes going wide.
What if she can't accept it? What if she thinks I'm a freak? What if she thinks I took advantage of our little ponies? What if she never wants to see me again?
Wait...even worse... What if she likes it? What if she wants to do it too? What if she wants to take advantage of our little ponies? What if she wants to...do it together?
Ugh. I looked at Luna, and she raised an eyebrow, still waiting for me to speak. I had to tell her. I looked down and began...
"I--"
I can't do this!
"What I--"
So gross! So weird! So wrong!!
"The problem was--"
Too gross! Too weird! TOO WRONG! ABORT!!
"I can't do this!"
I looked up at Luna again, and she smiled. Not derisively, like before, but like the smile you give a young foal who's dropped their ice cream. "Now, Tia," she lectured, "you have to tell me some time."
"I know, just...not here. Just--just come with me."
I had a plan. I knew what could ease the awkwardness! I would simply have to enact Phase 1 of the Royal Equestrian Breeding Regimen. I trotted down the corridor with Luna in tow, almost giddy that I had a way to get all of this off my chest easily!
Luna followed closely, looking perplexed. "Where are we going?"
I leaned over and whispered, "To the Chamber Sub Rosa."
"And what is that?"
"It's-- It's part of the answer. You'll see."
We made our way down the spiral stair of the spire that held the royal quarters. We headed down the corridor toward the throne room, but I surprised Luna when I made a right a few feet before the large arched doors, gliding straight through a solid wall. I looked back through the illusion, semi-transparent from this side, to see her smirk.
"You've certainly gotten better at illusions in the last thousand years," she said, stepping through after me.
"Necessity," I replied, declining to elaborate.
We continued down the narrow, smooth tunnel as it sloped downward. Unlike most of the castle, I personally bored this tunnel with my magic. The walls transitioned from stone to glass as we passed through the crystalline foundation of Canterlot.
"No guards?" Luna asked.
"No need," I replied, "No other pony alive knows about this place, and security is quite tight."
As I said this, we passed out of the crystalline layer, and a myriad of magical fields swept Luna and I, verifying our identities, and therefore not dousing us with a mixture of fuel and adhesive, not igniting the concoction, not cleaving the remains into hundreds of hoof-sized pieces, not atomizing the remaining equine briquettes with a massive artificial gravity well, not transporting the pony vapor into the center of the sun, and certainly not forwarding the resulting plasma into the black hole at the center of the galaxy.
Luna quickly decoded the ward's design, and nodded. "I see."
Now below the foundation to the city, the sloping corridor transitioned from crystal to smooth pearlescent stone. Eventually, we reached a dead end---a wall covered in a complex series of runes of my own design. I casually ignited a few with my horn, and the tunnel filled with the sound of grinding -- a hidden stone mechanism groaning to life. I was quietly giddy that I was finally getting to show off all this to somepony who could actually appreciate it. Sure, when we got to the bottom, we'd have to talk about...that stuff. But until then, it had been a thousand years and I was finally getting to reveal the most sophisticated, secure, and secret location ever constructed in this history of ponykind!
After a few moments, the rune-covered wall slid aside, revealing a wide cylindrical room with a clear crystal floor. I stepped forward, looking down through the floor at the dark shaft extending as far as the eye could see. Luna reluctantly joined me on the platform.
"Some sort of magical hoist?" she asked.
"Yes, it goes all the way down to the base of the mountain."
"Oh, sister. What have you done? What could be so horrible that could justify all this?"
"You shall see, I'm afraid." After a few moments, the granite door slid back into place. The crystal platform began descending, steadily picking up speed, gently humming at a steadily increasing pitch as it went. My pride turned to dread. I knew that in seconds and we would be in the Chamber Sub Rosa, and I'd have to come clean. My only solace was that I knew that Phase 1 would be there to help me. Sweet, delicious Phase 1.
Soon the platform began to slow as it approached the subterranean complex within the base of the mountain. One side of the tunnel gave way to a modest chamber about the size of my quarters. It was simply furnished with a dining table and kitchen area, with doors leading off to the...other area. Along the far wall were lined dozens of sturdy oak barrels. The platform came to a stop, and Luna and I stepped into the room.
"Well?" Luna asked expectantly.
"Sister, welcome to the Chamber Sub Rosa. This is the site of the Royal Equestrian Breeding Project," I replied.
"This is it? A kitchen? Well, now can you at least tell me what this is all about? What have you been doing down here?"
"Not yet. I need to...conduct Phase 1."
"And 'Phase 1' is...?" Luna asked, her patience wearing thin.
"Phase 1 is where I drink copious amounts of liquor so I don't think too much about the other phases."
Luna smirked. "You? With alcohol ? 'Princess Teatotaler', 'Dry Celly', 'Queen of the Buzzkill' has a secret liquor cabinet? Is that what all this is for? Just so you can get drunk?"
"No! This is just the first step. And besides, unlike you, I still maintain that a princess has no business becoming intoxicated in front of her subjects!"
Luna rolled her eyes. "I'm glad your title remains untarnished, my Queen."
I ignored her, stepping over to the rows of barrels. Given that alcohol was involved, I knew she would not be more than a step behind. Using my magic, I fetched a tankard from the nearby cabinet and levitated it under the spigot of my latest favorite, a recent vintage of Sweet Apple Acres' hard apple cider. As I went to open the valve, I looked over to see Luna's eyes wide, scanning the imprint on each barrel.
Her mouth dropped open, and she spoke with a faraway look in her eyes. "So. Beautiful. You have every liquor ever here!"
"Yes, it took me so long to find one I could tolerate. The rest have been just sitting down here."
"Tia, you have spirits down here almost a thousand years old?"
"Yes, it's such a waste. Especially the wine...I sampled quite a bit of it in the beginning, trying to find one I liked, and I'm ashamed to say that it's just been sitting here, probably going bad. I guess I just don't like wine."
"You have thousand-year-old wine down here?"
"Yes...? I don't exactly have a drain to pour it out down here."
"Tia, I love you!" She leapt forward and wrapped her forelegs around me.
I was so happy to feel Luna's embrace I nearly dropped my mug! "Oh, Luna, I love you, too. But why are you so happy about this?"
"Tia, wine ages . Old wine is delicious and valuable. And millennium-old wine is unheard of! Quick, what's the oldest cask here?"
I thought back a long ways to when I built this room. After a bit of consideration, I remembered rolling the very first barrel into place, filling a glass, sipping a bit of it, and pouring the rest into the wash basin. "Bottom-left barrel. It should be about...995 years old now."
Luna giddily summoned a wine glass from the cabinet and held it under the spigot. Together, we filled our respective vessels.
Luna held her glass aloft. "To reconciliation! Cheers!"
I smiled broadly and levitated my mug up to clink her glass. "Cheers."
We both drank deeply. The cider tickled on the way down, and the sweetness of the apple masked the sting of the alcohol. I looked up at Luna...her wolfish grin had returned.
"Sister," she said, "I think I know what you replaced breeding with now!"
I blanched for a moment...she couldn't know!
"Because this," she continued, holding her glass aloft, "is better than sex !"
"Luna!" I cried.
"Oh, lighten up, Tia!"
I sighed deeply. "I am." I indulged myself in another another deep draft of cider. "I am."
"Then answers?" she asked.
"Then answers."
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
For the next half hour, I methodically downed mug after mug of cider. It takes a lot of alcohol to affect an immortal alicorn, after all. I was highly motivated, not only because of...that subject, but also because Luna quickly began to drive me insane. She was bouncing around the room, downing drink after drink from every barrel on the wall and every bottle in the cabinets, a few of which I think were just cleaning products! After drink came with a color commentary of how great it was and how much I was missing out drinking nothing but my simple cider.
I did my best to tune her out, and fortunately, my simple cider eventually had the desired effect. My anxiety faded to a dull hum, I felt myself blush, and I let a stupid smile play across my face.
I sat on my haunches and waited for Luna to notice me again. She finished chugging her latest find and glanced over to me. I could see the blush in her face beneath her coat...no matter how much of a drinker she was before, she was a thousand years out of practice, and was likely feeling the liquor \even more than I was.
She sauntered over to me with exaggerated steps. "So, Tiaaaaaaa~~ What's the big secret?"
Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt myself try to tense up, but there was a mile of fermented apple between that feeling and the rest of me. I grinned even wider and leaned in to answer in a drunkenly loud (but regal!) whisper, "I'll show you." I cracked up into a giggle.
"Show me! Show me!" Luna replied.
"Not here." I haltingly stumbled toward the wooden door to the next room. Luna followed dutifully behind. I opened the door, revealing a modestly appointed bedroom with a gigantic four-poster bed. I stopped short, realizing that I was revealing this wicked chamber to the first pony who would ever remember it. Feeling myself starting to tense, I took a deep breath, letting the worries drain away before jumping into the room and flopping onto the overstuffed mattress.
"Just a bed?" Luna inquired behind me. She listed heavily to one side as she made her way forward. "With the way you were carrying on, I expected some horrible laboratory with half-formed ponies in glass tubes!" She giggled as she staggered against the wall.
I smiled, choosing not to flash back to the grotesque horrors of the biomagical cloning laboratory that had consumed my early efforts. "Of course not! That would require isolating viable phenotypes across a diverse cohort of all three pony subspecies---and it was wrong! I mean, it would be wrong."
Luna was too busy trying to right herself to notice my slip-up, and I was too tipsy to care much anyway. She eventually righted herself back on all fours. "Well, sister, will you show me whatever it is already?"
I'd better not give myself time to hesitate , I thought.
I did my best to seem confident. "Yes, on with the show!"
Alright...here we go.
Before I had a chance to stop myself, I began casting the Forbidden Spell, the Cantrip of Andromorphy that I had shamefully developed in secret in this place all those centuries ago. The dark secret that had powered all Equestrian reproduction for over fifty generations began to take form. I shifted uncomfortably as my nethers began to reconfigure. My delicate marehood gave way, and I could feel a sheath form which was soon populated by a distinctly male member. I braced for the worst part. I grunted at the awkward sensation of two testes plopping into place. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was keeping and relaxed my muscles before looking up at my sister.
"There. Now you know."
Luna just stared at me in uncomfortable silence. Her face scrunched up in confusion. No, no, she's judging me. I'm a freak!
Finally, she spoke. "That's it?" she asked.
I blinked. She didn't seem mad or ashamed, just...annoyed?
"Is that all?" she continued. "Is that seriously it?" She stared at me with exasperated eyes. I was too stunned to respond, so she continued, "You burned a hole through the foundation of Canterlot castle, masked it with magic, layered it with deadly wards, bored a tunnel down into the center of the mountain, and filled it with enough liquor to get the whole Royal Guard fall-down drunk, all because you wanted to grow a dick and fuck mares? Really, sister? Do you know what ponies in my day called it when I did that? 'Thursday!'"
I was at a loss. Luna knew of this spell?
"And after all that build-up?" she continued.
Luna thought this was normal?
"Riding on that lift in silence down to what I assumed was some mutant pony dungeon!" she barked.
Luna had used this spell herself?
"And all the liquor, just to work up the courage to show mares how to grow penises? That's hardly the worst thing in the world. It's not even a bad thing! It's even a bit clever..."
Wait, what did she just say?
"And besides, our ponies are probably used to it by now, so it's hardly worth all this---"
I snapped back to reality. "Wait!"
"What?"
"You think I showed other ponies how to do...this ?" I reared up and gesticulated wildly at my stallionhood.
She squinted in thought for a moment. "...yes?"
"Ugh, Luna, NO! I would never teach one of our ponies this repulsive spell! I'd never admit this to anypony!"
"Then, what? What else are you going to do, impregnate every mare in Equestria yourself?"
Oh dear. When she said it out loud, it did seem a bit...crazy. I snapped my eyes to the floor, unable to respond.
"No, Tia, you didn't...."
I bravely studied every twist in the swirling patterns of the granite floor.
"TIA, THERE'S NO WAY!"
I considered trying to teleport more alcohol directly into my bloodstream, or perhaps banishing myself to the moon.
"Tia, look at me."
I froze.
"Look. At. Me."
I slowly raised my head and met her eyes. She was genuinely bewildered.
Luna continued, "do you mean to tell me that you have personally sired every foal to live in the last 1000 years?"
Excuses ran through my head. Griffons did it? Discord did it? Changelings did it? Cadence did it? No good. I let out a long sigh. "Yes."
Luna's expression changed to one of concern. "Tia, that's crazy! The math doesn't even add up! And, wait -- that would mean that you've been impregnating your own foals, grandfoals, grand-grand foals, and on and on, for a millennium!"
"Yes." There was more to it than that, but overall she was right.
"No, that's not something you say 'Yes' to! It's--it's--it's...absurd !"
"But it is true, sister. All sex in Equestria for the last millennium has been with me, personally, in this place."
She fell back onto her haunches, still listing a bit to the side from the alcohol. After a few seconds, her face calmed, and she spoke one word. "Explain."
"Very well..."
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Author note: I now realize that making this story first person Celestia was a mistake, so rather than fix earlier chapters, just assume that Twilight messed up a spell or something and so now the narrative is third person. *~MAGIC~*
"It's very simple," Celestia began, "when a pony wishes for a foal, they simply submit this form."
Celestia levitated a scroll from the desk in the entrance room, suspending it in front of Luna.
Luna read the title aloud, "'Form 8893-B: Request for redress of typographic error'? This is the form the bureaucracy used to give to ponies when their deed had a typo!"
"Yes," Celestia replied, "Well we can't have such a sensitive topic out in the open! Don't worry, everypony learns the use of the paperwork in grade school sex ed."
Luna giggled a bit and snorted. "You kept sex ed in schools? Why? You said nopony could get it up! What do you even cover besides paperwork?"
Celestia rolled her eyes and replied, "Lots of things! There's also...also..." She trailed off for a moment before steeling herself and continuing, "fine, it's entirely about paperwork."
Luna struggled to contain a smirk and failed. "So how do you even use this form to request your...services?"
Celestia narrowed her eyes and motioned with her horn to the last item in a long list of checkboxes.
Luna read it aloud, "'Typographic correction of a birth certificate'? How does that even make sense?" Luna grinned widely. "How is you fucking a mare a 'typographic correction'"?
Celestia gasped and stepped back. "Luna, language!"
"Sorry, but still..."
"Well, before a pony files the form, the birth certificate they want is blank and also doesn't exist, and so, we're just...correcting that."
"Tia, I still don't understand how you can be so uptight about sex when when you've had so much of it."
Celestia eyes lit up and she trotted in place giddily. "Oh, that's the best part! I don't actually have to remember any of it!"
Luna's expression went blank. "What."
"Yes, to keep this place and what goes on secret, there is a memory erasure charm you pass on the way out, and whenever I head back up, and let my guard down and it erases me along with the unfortunate filly."
"Again, what."
"What's the problem?"
"'What's the problem?' 'WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?' You've had sex with tens of thousands of mares and don't even remember any of it!?" Luna's eyes glinted. "You had all that sex and you ERASED it all!?" she bellowed.
"Luna, I--"
"I was trapped in the moon for a thousand years with nothing to keep me company but my hooves and particularly narrow rocks, and meanwhile you're banging every mare in the kingdom (which you never let ME do) and you don't even store the result in your BRAIN?"
Celestia stepped forward to try to calm her sister. "Luna--"
Her eyes darted wildly. "It's a travesty! It's unfair! It's a--a--" Luna slumped onto her haunches, cast her eyes to the floor, and whispered, "It's a...waste."
"Luna, you must know I am truly sorry." Celestia thought for a moment, her eyes lighting up. "But now you're back! We can end all this and go back to the way things were!"
Luna looked up at her sister hopefully. "How?"
"I've been thinking about it ever since you returned. When ponies submit the form, instead of winding up down here with me, you can just go to the lucky couple and work your magic!"
"Really?" Her eyes widened as a broad, innocent smile crossed her lips. "I could make ponies fuck again? And you won't get all weird about it?"
"Luna, I promise you that I will...just not pay attention."
Luna opened her mouth to argue for a moment, but then thought better of it. "Good enough for me! And eventually we can do away with the form...right?"
"Of course, this is just to transition cleanly."
"So who do I need to talk to so I can start receiving those forms? I assume it's the chief of court administration, no?"
"No, actually..." Celestia grimaced and looked widely around the room.
Luna's expression went blank again. "What is it now?"
"Well...for this role, I needed a pony of discretion. A pony with a highly trained sense of organization. A pony who would never let me down no matter what. A pony renowned for her attention to detail. A pony eternally loyal to Equestria..."
Luna grinned. "You don't mean...?"
"Yes, my personal student, leader of the elements of harmony, and your savior from the Nightmare...Twilight Sparkle is---"
"CHIEF OF ALL FUCKING!!!" Luna barked before crumpling onto the floor in uncontrollable laughter. Burying her head in her hooves, her laughter was punctuated by exclamations. "BARON OF BOINKING!--CAPTAIN OF COITUS!--ORGANIZER OF ORGASMS!--"
Celestia patiently waited. "Go on, Luna. Get it all out of your system..."
"DIRECTOR OF DICKING!--PRESIDENT OF PRINCESS PENIS!--" Luna doubled over in hysterics. Her laughter ceased to be audible, as she silently bounced up and down with her head in her hooves. Celestia continued to wait. Finally, Luna's laughter wound down, and she struggled to catch her breath.
"Finished?" Celestia asked.
Luna breathed deeply and composed herself. "Almost. All joking aside, there's just one more question."
"What's that?"
"Well," Luna observed adroitly, "if Twilight Sparkle is arranging these meetings for you..."
"Yes?" Celestia leaned forward.
"Doesn't that make her..."
"Yes?"
"your...ROYAL PIMP?" Luna rolled onto her back, giggling uncontrollably.
Celestia breathed in deeply and let out a long, world-weary sigh. She glanced up toward the ceiling, toward the moon beyond, then back to her sister, who was now rolling onto her side, chortling incoherently. "When you're quite done, I shall make preparations for you to meet with Twilight, and then we will never speak of this again!"
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Luna glided effortlessly across the afternoon sky, basking in the feeling of warm sunlight against her wings. She banked slightly to continue on course to Ponyville, where Celestia had arranged for her to meet with Twilight in her library. She could make out ponies trotting about town on the ground below. Hoping to avoid a royal welcome, she angled down sharply toward the library, and with a great flap of her wings, ceased her descent and landed noiselessly in front of the door. She knocked gingerly on it twice.
Before had her hoof even returned to ground, the door swung open immediately, revealing a purple unicorn mare with a wide smile.
"Welcome, Princess Luna! Come in! Princess Celestia said you'd be stopping by! No big deal, huh! Just dropping by!" Her eyes darted around excitedly.
"Thank you, Twilight." Luna bowed her head and entered the door. She spotted a young dragon munching on a bowl of what looked to be obsidian shards. "Hello, Spike."
"Hi, Princess Luna!" replied the dragon, bits of volcanic glass falling to the ground.
"Spike, don't talk with your mouth full!" said Twilight.
Spike hurriedly swallowed and mumbled an apology.
Twilight led Luna to a small reading table at the far end of the room. "So, what brings you by?" she asked with a nervous chuckle.
"Twilight, I want to talk to you about your responsibilities to my sister." said Luna.
"Oh, uh, what about them?"
Luna paused. She had to handle this delicately...she didn't want to shatter Twilight's innocence with careless talk. "I'd like to discuss your handing of certain...paper work."
Twilight eyes went even wider. This is going to be so weird! Weird weird weird weird weird! The word marched through her head as she replied. "Oh?"
"Yes, I can't imagine what you must think goes on with Celestia down there or even...even how the world really works."
"Err--" Twilight squirmed.
Luna continued, "It's tragic, really, a young pony like yourself utterly ignorant of the beauty and mystique of her own body!"
"Well, uh..." Twilight chuckled nervously.
"O! What an innocent, pure vision of the world you must have!"
"Ha...ha...actually--"
"Never to have felt heat in your loins or lust in your heart!" opined Luna.
Twilight's blushed a deep red, visible even under her coat. "Well--"
"Never to have sampled the hard body of a stallion..." continued Luna.
Twilight's eyes snapped to the ground, remembering such a hard body on top of her own, sounds of passion filling the room, frenzied, guttural, desperate, needful grunting, ending in a passionate, satisfied Eeyup! She shook the memory out of her mind.
"...or even the supple curve of another mare." said Luna, casting her eyes hopefully skyward.
Another memory came to Twilight unbidden, this one of a cyan muzzle caressing her neck and an orange hoof tracing little circles on her chest, while her own hoof caressed the pink, frizzy mane of the mare going down between her---
Twilight was shaken from her reverie by a hoof on her shoulder. Luna bellowed, "Do you even know the true purpose of your marehood?"
Twilight sunk into her chair, blushing well into the infrared.
Luna continued melodramatically, "Such a travesty! Fair Twilight, we must sweep aside your innocence, for that is the cost of opening you and the rest of pony kind to a new world! A world both strange and divine, with untold pleasures and mysteries. A world of...of....of...." Luna searched for the right poetic word.
Twilight, full to bursting with embarrassment, supplied it. "FUCKING!" she shouted in exasperation.
Luna, stunned, fell back onto her haunches at the outburst. Spike looked up quizzically from his bowl. A deep silence fell over the library.
Twilight squished Luna's face in her hooves and stared into her eyes as she shouted clearly and deliberately, "WE ALREADY KNOW ABOUT FUCKING!"
Luna's face scrunched up as she tried to process this. Seconds passed in silence, before Luna constructed her reply: "What?"
Spike piped up from across the room, "Yeah, what's 'fucking'?"
Twilight looked over in shock, realizing what she had blurted out. "Nothing, Spike! It's nothing! And don't use that word! ...because it's nothing!"
Luna leaned in and spoke quietly. "Oh, it's something all right..." She looked Twilight in the eye, awaiting a reply.
Twilight sheepishly directed her attention down at the floor and kicked the ground. "I'm--I'm sorry. We don't talk about it in public...and I definitely can't talk about it in front of Spike."
"And why shouldn't he know about sex?" Luna asked, indignantly.
"Because he's a baby dragon. A baby dragon ! Dragons live so long, he won't hit puberty for another 20 years!"
"Oh...right." Luna's indignance faded and she turned to the more pressing matter. "I still need answers! How do you know about sex? Who else knows? Why doesn't my sister know you know? How are you doing it? Are you doing it right? Are you having fun? Can I join you?"
Twilight opened her mouth to reply, but was interrupted again when Luna grabbed her and hissed, "Wait! Have you been spying on Tia's secret underground sex dungeon!?"
"No! And it's not a dungeon!"
"Aha! I knew it! How would you know what it is?"
"Simple! Because I've been there a lot."
Luna's stared, mouth agape.
"Not like that!"
"What are you guys talking about?" asked Spike.
The two mares shot him identical reproachful looks and shouted in unison, "Nothing!"
Turning back to Luna, Twilight continued. "Look, I can explain everything...just not here. Come to the Aloe & Lotus Spa tonight...I'll meet you at the bar."
"The spa has a bar?"
"Yeah, it's a-- just trust me. I promise nobody's doing anything wrong, it's just...complicated. I can show you everything there."
Luna narrowed her eyes, stood up, and adopted a regal air. "Very well, Twilight Sparkle. My sister trusts you, and so too shall I, for now. We shall meet at the spa come nightfall."
Impatient at getting more questions than answers, Luna closed her eyes and teleported to Canterlot in a flash.
Twilight blinked. "That went...about as well as I predicted! Spike, cross off 'bizarre conversation with Luna' from today's checklist! What's the next item, my number one assistant?"
"'Review and adjust secret plan for Luna', whatever that is."
Twilight grinned. "You'll understand when you're older, Spike."
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Luna just had time to finish dinner before night fell. She met with Celestia briefly to raise the moon as Celestia lowered the sun, and thankfully the topic of sex didn't come up. Just as well, Luna thought, as she still had more questions than answers.
With the process complete, she opted to teleport directly to her destination and get the answers she needed. With a flash, she appeared in front of the entrance to Ponyville's premiere spa. She walked in, and was quickly greeted by two mares, one pink and the other light blue. Presumably Aloe and Lotus , Luna thought.
Looking up, Aloe greeted her excitedly, "Welcome to our spa, Princess! It's after hours, but for you, anything! Can I interest you in a mud bath, hooficure, or...?"
Luna felt silly as she prepared her reply. Was Twilight playing a trick on her? "I would like to visit your...bar?"
Aloe blinked, exchanging a cryptic look with Lotus. Grinning widely, she replied, "Oh! Yes! Right down that hall there!"
Luna raised an eyebrow at the giddy response, but began walking down the hall.
The other pony, Lotus, called after her, "Princess! If you'd like to change, just use the door marked 'special services'!"
Luna was confused at this. Change? I'm just wearing my regalia, and it's not as if I'm carrying other clothes... Still, it might be nice to freshen up in front of a mirror.
At the end of the hall she found a nondescript heavy iron door and a wooden door marked 'special services'. She entered the latter and found that, surprisingly, instead of the changing room she expected, there was a small, bare room. On her right, a powder blue unicorn sat behind a card table, idly flipping through a magazine. A simple floor-length mirror hung on Luna's left, with another heavy iron door on the far wall. A lavender hat and cape, both decorated with stars, hung on a peg behind the unicorn.
Without looking up from her magazine, the unicorn asked in a bored tone, "species and gender?"
Luna, confused that she should have to ask, replies, "Alicorn, female."
The unicorn smirked and replied, "You know that costs extra, right? And you won't be able to use any Alicorn powers..."
Luna was taken aback. How could this little unicorn inhibit her powers? She stood tall, towering over the unicorn, and asked, "And why would that be, subject ?"
The unicorn looked up for the first time, and paled under her coat when she saw she was addressing the Princess of the Night. Sputtering, she reeled back. In her mind, she was torn between reverence and bravado.
"The Great and P--- Trixie means--- I mean I mean--- I didn't know it was you!"
Luna smiled. "It is okay, ...Trixie, was it? But please explain, why would you charge extra for an Alicorn to enter? And why do you think my 'Alicorn powers' wouldn't work?"
Trixie was confused. Luna was here, but she didn't know how it worked? She replied carefully, "Trixie was asking what species and gender you would like to be, not the one you are now..."
Luna replied simply, "Oh." Then, she thought about it. "OH!" She considered the ramifications, smiling widely. "Oooooooh! Very nice. Well, for the moment, I will remain as-is, thank you."
A few seconds passed awkwardly, and Luna continued, "So, where do I....?"
"Right through there," Trixie replied, motioning to the heavy iron door.
Luna trotted up to it and opened it with her magic. Inside was a scene she was wholly unprepared for. The sight hit her first. Writhing heaps of pastel ponies rutting in every way imaginable. Every manner of sexual outfit, gadget, and toy being thrust every which way. The sound hit her next, sounds of slapping, grunting, moaning. Sounds of hushed pillow talk, snippets of absolutely filthy language, words of encouragement, praise, satisfaction, and need. The heat hits Luna next, wafting waves of heat and humidity. The odor was intense -- a mixture of pony excretions, latex, and lubricant.
In short, a writhing mass of insensate pony fucking, an orgy as grand as any held in a thousand years.
Luna nodded slightly. "Nice. Quaint, but nice."
Oh who am I kidding?
Her grin widened and she trotted a bit in place before bursting with glee, her eyes growing to the size of dinner plates. Regal tears streamed down her cheeks as she mouthed in hushed tones, "Yesssssss!!"
In a flash, she transmuted her body into a vapor and dived into the seething mass. She slipped among mares and stallions, giddily stopping to observe the sights as she went. A massive magenta stallion with three smiling sunflowers on his flank riding a lithe red mare with a green half apple for a cutie mark. A large griffon angrily grinding against a giggling pink pony. A massive minotaur hogtied on a mattress being swatted on the rump by a pale yellow pegasus clad in a tight leather corset with a riding crop in her teeth.
Luna fully materialized in the middle of it all and began to gawk upward at two pegasus stallions clad in Wonderbolt gear frantically rutting in mid-air.
A voice from across the room shook her out of her reverie. "Luna! Over here!"
Luna looked up. Set aside from the orgy against the far wall was a bar and several dining tables she had somehow not noticed. A clear line separated the orgy from what Luna guessed was the rest area. Sitting at one of the tables was Twilight Sparkle, sipping an elaborate fruity drink through a crazy straw. Twilight waved and spoke up again over the din of the orgy, "Come on over!"
Luna went to step forward, but felt something tugging at her leg.
Looking down, she saw a small, cute bunny, with one minor caveat: he had been magically granted a massive, stallion-sized cock. Luna gawked; it was twice as long as the bunny's height, throbbingly erect, with two massive balls that rested on the ground. Looking into Luna's eyes, he waggled his eyebrows suggestively and motioned to his massive member, as though she might otherwise miss it.
Stunned, her only thought was, How does he even move with that thing?
Before she could reply, the nearby pastel yellow pony stamped her hoof and spit out her riding crop to admonish the bunny. "Now Angel, dear, please don't harass the princess. I'm sure you can find somepony else."
Luna stared in slack-jawed amazement as the bunny grimaced and looked around, noticing an orange-maned yellow mare against the far wall lying on her back, grinning, and making eye contact with the little bunny. Excitedly, and with great effort, he hoisted his massive unit into a little bunny-scale wheel-barrow that had been sitting nearby. Grabbing the handles, he gleefully wheeled over to the welcoming pony. Before Luna could comment, Twilight piped up again, "Just leave him be and come have a drink!"
Luna blinked, and trotted over to Twilight's table. Taking a seat, she opened her mouth, but was overwhelmed by the sheer number of questions swirling in her mind and the din of the orgy behind her.
Seeing her hesitation, Twilight began. "So, uhhh, are you...okay? With all of this? I mean, the history books say you were the goddess of love, and there are stories that you used to be open with sex stuff, but I was worried you might still freak out. No offense! It's just that...I mean...your sister is just so..."
Luna smiled warmly. "Hopelessly repressed?"
Twilight's eyes widened for a moment at hearing her mentor talked about so plainly. Looking down, she merely nodded.
Luna continued gently, "Twilight, look at me. It's okay. I know my sister has problems where matters of sex are concerned, but I share none of them with her. I think all this "--Luna waved a hoof at the jubilee of debauchery behind her--"is a very nice little soiree, and I--"
"Little soiree?!", Twilight cried, "I got almost all of Ponyville here and the owners are running an open bar! This is probably one of the biggest orgies in Equestria!"
"Oh."
"How could this possibly be even wilder? Angel Bunny has a giant horse cock!"
"Just the one?--No, I mean, nevermind that! It's okay, Twilight. I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry. But you have to explain, how can this be? Celestia believes that sex is vanished from the land, and she had me convinced of it, too."
Twilight took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak, hesitated for a moment. "It's...complicated. Any we're really not 100% sure on all the details."
"Well then, tell me what you do know."
"Right...well, I guess I should start with the obvious. Sexuality is Equestia is actually very open."
Luna rolled her eyes slightly and nodded slowly. "Yes, I gathered that."
"Right! Well, according to the history books, your...ummm...a thousand years ago...your..." Twilight looked down at the table.
Luna was deadpan. "My transformation into a vicious demon bent on overthrowing my sister?"
"Yes...that. That happened in the Everfree Forest, right?"
"Well, it wasn't called that, and it wasn't even a forest then, but yes. What does this have to do with pony sex?"
"Well, after it happened, ponies would have pilgrimages to the castle to pay their respects, and those that did would...well...they'd be more...able to...well--"
"Twilight, just spit it out! How can you be so coy about this? We're attending an orgy that you yourself put together!"
"Yes, of course, I'm sorry. It's just...you're a princess. I've been hiding all this stuff from Princess Celestia since I was a filly...we all have. It's just weird, is all."
Luna let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry about Tia, but you have to understand that we're basically polar opposites when it comes to sex."
"Really? I mean I know you're supposed to be the goddess of the night and that--"
"Twilight, stop. I'll prove it. You asked how this party could be wilder? Well..." Luna leaned in and whispered into Twilight's ear.
Luna only spoke a few sentences. Twilight's eyes went wide, her pupils shrank to pinpricks, she bit her bottom lip almost hard enough to draw blood, her breath became ragged, and her tail began swishing back and forth of its own volition.
Luna drew back, adding, "and that's just what I'd do with the snack table!"
Twilight began to take in air in great gulps. Catching her breath, she replied simply, "Wow."
"So, yes, I'm familiar with sex."
"Yes."
Luna waited patiently for a few moments. "Well?"
"Huh?"
"Ponies visiting Everfree, getting turned on, etc.?"
"Oh! Right!" Twilight shook away the images Luna had placed in her mind. "Right, so ponies would visit Everfree and become aroused, so naturally it became a popular trade route. That's how ponies had sex for most of the last thousand years, until Granny Smith changed everything."
"Granny...Smith?"
"Yes, she helped found Ponyville when she discovered Zap Apples!"
"Zap...apples?"
"Yes, they grow in the Everfree, and can only be harvested at special times. When timberwolves howl and blue sparks change the leaves and crows fly in an apple shape and there's a meteor shower!" Twilight beamed proudly at her encyclopedic knowledge.
"Riiiiight. So everypony eats these electric meteor timberwolf crow apples to get laid?"
"No, that would be silly. You have to turn them into jam first!" Twilight beamed.
Luna remained silent, her face deadpan, her eyes narrowed.
"You don't believe me?" Twilight asked, looking dejected.
"Well--"
"Wait, just try some! We export it all over Equestria!" Twilight levitated a piece of toast from the bar and slathered on a rainbow dollop of goop from a small jar on the table. She levitated it up to Luna. Luna took it in her own magic and took a small bite. Her eyes opened in realization as she placed the flavor--and magic--in the jam.
In a flourish, she leapt out of the seat, grabbed Twilight under her wing, and bellowed, "We go!" In a flash, Luna teleported the pair to the edge of the Everfree Forest.
Twilight meandered a bit off kilter for a moment, getting her bearings after the surprise teleport. Luna giddily trotted toward the forest. "I get it now! I felt this strange magic here when you rescued me from the Nightmare, but now I understand it!"
Twilight shook her head and tried to orient herself. "Buh?"
"The magic of the Everfree and your zap apples, it's me! The magic I released when Celestia banished me."
Twilight, having finally realized where she was and what was happening, replied concernedly, "Yes, and I'm sure she was heartbroken when--"
"No, I don't care about that, silly, it's the magic that matters! That's how ponies could keep having sex, all the magic I was holding when she zapped me with the rainbow all poured out here!"
"Huh? Why would you trying to make the night last forever do that?"
"Oh, Twilight, when Nightmare Moon said 'the night shall last forever', do you think that all she was after was literally keeping it dark? That I just wanted ponies to love the stars or something?"
"Well, ummm, yes? I mean, Princess Celestia said--"
"Ahhhhhhh, I get it. No, Twilight, Nightmare Moon was obsessed with---well, I was obsessed with---making SEX last forever! An eternal orgy! I mean, of course it doesn't make sense, there's more to life than that, but I was rebelling against Celestia's prudishness and---wait, does everypony think that Nightmare Moon just really liked stars?"
Twilight blushed. The official history did seem far fetched now that somepony mentioned it. "Yes? Well, I mean, it's in all the history books."
"Ha! Oh Tia, when will you lighten up? Oh, that reminds me, Tia said she tried to help ponies have sex right after I was banished...why didn't she find out about this? I'm sure she did a full study..."
Twilight thought for a moment. "Hmmmm....I really couldn't say except...well...uhmmmm..."
"Twilight, I thought we agreed, no more awkwardness between us about this."
"Right, well, I was just thinking...could you fuck while Celestia was taking notes about you on a clipboard?"
Luna grinned. "Ha! I guess not. I like you, Twilight. So, the other big mystery: if everypony's been having sex just fine all along, what has Celestia been doing in that underground pit of hers?"
"Well, as part of my job, I'm actually entrusted by the nobility and court of Equestria to...well...keep Princess Celestia in the dark about all this. So I just get a mare I trust to go down there with her, and she just gets drunk and passes out, wakes up thinking she's deflowered the poor mare, then erases both their memories. Because of the memory wipe, it can even be the same mare over and over, so since I got the job, the mare is usually Dash or Pinkie."
"So what should I tell Celestia? She has a plan to re-introduce sex to Equestria!"
"I've thought a lot about that...actually, every major scholar for the last thousand years has thought a lot about that! Telling Celestia about sex is an entire branch of philosophy. It's called Revelology, the science of--"
"The science of extracting the stick from my sister's rear?! Getting my sister to lighten up is something you can major in at college now? HA!"
Twilight frowned at her mentor being talked down to, but couldn't disagree with the assessment. "Yes, well, you must know I love Celestia, and appreciate all that she's done for my as my mentor, but...you're right. She's repressed to the point of being...bonkers!"
Twilight took a moment to compose herself, and looked into the distance with a resolute expression. "In fact, it is my belief, and the prevailing belief in the Revelological Society, that we need to introduce sex to Celestia!"
Luna's eyes widened. "Twilight, I appreciate your determination, but it's impossible! I tried for centuries! How do you propose to do it?"
Twilight adopted a cocky grin and spoke a phrase she had rehearsed many times. "Three words: Magic . Of . Friendship ."
"I'm in."
Author's Note
Before you ask, the zap apple jam they give kids in the episode is fake.
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
A few days later, a torrential rain pounded against Ponyville. The sky shone a pale orange through the clouds, the last glimmers of day fading to night.
A figure in a tattered cloak quietly approached the library, slipping inside unnoticed by all but the proprietor. A voice rang out.
"You came alone and were not followed?", a unicorn asked.
The figure nodded.
"Take these to the other elements. They will know the meaning."
The figure took the scraps of paper and slipped them into a saddlebag hidden under the cloak, nodding again to the unicorn before turning to leave.
--
Rarity sat alone in her boutique, watching the rainfall as darkness fell. She turned to go to bed, before hearing a single knock and the chime of the door as it opened.
"Hello dear, I'm sorry to say we're closed, but if--oh! It's you! What have you got for me?"
The hooded figure dipped its head and laid down a single scrap of paper before turning to go. Rarity could read it on the ground, the hand-written cursive text in bold, tall letters.
She read aloud, "Recalled to Sex."
Looking up, she called after the departing figure, "You'll tell the others?"
A nod, and the figure was gone.
--
Applejack sat with Granny Smith, balancing the family farm's accounting under the light of a single lantern. Granny ran the books, while Applejack double-checked the figures. There was a loud rap on the farmhouse door. The two exchanged a look, and Applejack quickly walked to the door, opening it to reveal the hooded figure.
The figure laid a scrap of paper at her feet, revealing the same message as the last.
Applejack grimly nodded. "I'll ready the cellar."
The figure took no notice, simply turning to leave.
--
Rainbow Dash was sound asleep in her cloud home just above the storm. She was startled awake by a loud but fluffy knock (as much as a knock can be loud when made against a cloud door).
She grumbled as she blinked her eyes, hopped out of bed, and sauntered to the door.
"I'm comin', I'm comin', keep your shirt on!"
She opened the door to find the cloaked figure.
"You again! Come to do more damage, huh?"
Saying nothing, the figure simply placed a scrap of paper at her feet. Rainbow read it and immediately blanched.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know...thank you."
Saying nothing, the figure turned and left, taking only a moment to glance down the edge of the cloud before jumping off, descending toward the edge of Ponyville.
--
Fluttershy flitted around her cottage, trying to soothe the animals in her care. Chipmunks, ferrets, possums, and a rainbow of different birds surrounded her, in differing levels of distress over the clamoring storm.
"It's okay, dears, it's just a strong rainstorm. There's nothing---"
A peal of thunder rung out, making most of the critters cringe, some scattering into their holes.
"There's nothing to worry about. Nothing's going to hurt you, and I'm here---"
A loud knock interrupted her this time. Her eyes went wide. "Eep!"
She went to the door. "Wh--who is it?"
There was a few seconds with no response, followed by two more loud knocks, causing Fluttershy to dive to the floor, covering her face. Eventually she worked up the courage to fly up to the peep-hole.
"Oh, it's just you."
She opened the door briefly, letting the cool, wet wind inside. The figure placed a scrap of paper at her feet. Fluttershy understood its meaning immediately, simply nodding to the figure as it turned and left. She shut the door.
"It's alright everyone, but I need you to listen to me very carefully. I'm sorry to do this, but I have to leave you all."
A few of her woodland friends' faces fell.
"But it's okay, while I'm gone, Angel will be in charge, and he'll take good, good care of you!"
The animals' eyes went wide. Angel hopped out of his little home with a cocky grin, clad in a black uniform with red armbands, wearing shiny leather jackboots on his little feet. He was flanked by two huge chinchillas wearing brown shirts with gruff, severe expressions. Two red banners emblazoned with Angel's face unfurled behind them.
The rest of the creatures cowered and looked doe-eyed at Fluttershy and she put on a rainslicker and headed out into the night.
--
Pinkie Pie sat waiting patiently by the door of the bakery. When the knock came, she opened it immediately.
"Hiya, Derpy! Come on in, it's soooo bad outside!"
The cloak fell away, and the walleyed pegasus trotted happily inside.
"Gee, thanks, Pinkie, none of the others even invited me in!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. They were probably just being dramatic. Can I get you a muffin?"
"Oh, boy, yes!"
Pinkie tossed her a banana-nut muffin, which Derpy snatched out of the air and downed in a single gulp.
"Thanks!"
"Think nothing of it! So, you passing out the super-secret notes?"
"Yup! You're my last stop!"
"Neato! What do they say?"
"˙xǝS oʇ pǝllɐɔǝɹ"
"Wrong way, Derpy."
"Oh! 'Recalled to Sex.' That makes a lot more sense! What's it mean?"
"Oh, Twilight has another crazy scheme to get Celestia bangin' again."
"Wow!"
"Yeah, hopefully this one's not all loopy this time! Anyway, thanks, got to go!"
"Good luck!"
Pinkie giddily hopped out the door, heading toward Sweet Apple Acres, its dark, dusty cellar, and a date with destiny.
This left Derpy alone in a bakery, which would come to be widely regarded as a mistake in the days to come, but that's neither here nor there.
Author's Note
After 8 months, it's back!
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Twilight glanced at her friends all gathered in secret in Applejack's cellar, laughing and chatting with each other, though her own heart was cold with fear. It had been fun and exhilarating to promise Luna that she could unclench her sister's mind and...so on. But now that she had gathered her friends together in this conspiracy amid the dark and tumultuous rainstorm outside, the full gravity of her plan was weighing on her.
Her thoughts swirled, shadow boxing with herself. "Can I really do this? Is it right to even try? Equestria would be so much better off if Celestia could loosen up, but if we fail, what's going to happen? Do I have the right to chart this course myself on behalf of so many?" Ruminating, she stared out a crack in the cellar door into howling wind and darkness for what felt like 10 years, 7 months, and 20 days.
In the warm glow of the lantern, Applejack took notice. "What's up with Twilight, ya'll?"
Pinkie grinned and answered cheerfully, "Oh, don't worry, everyone, she's just monologuing. I do that sometimes too, but mine are usually happy, like when I describe my day to anyone watching or reading! Once she gets a bunch of character work out of the way, something will snap her out of it!".
"Pinkie, what are y--"
A tremendous thunderclap shook the cellar, snapping Twilight out of her reverie. "Told ya", Pinkie chirped quietly.
Twilight gathered herself, committing fully to the plan, and turned dramatically to face her friends. "Welcome, everyone, to the Celestia Libido Overhaul Program!"
With a stomp of her hoof, a full color vinyl banner emblazoned with "C*L*O*P*" unfurled behind her, Twilight beaming beneath it.
After a beat, Rarity was the first to speak up. "Darling, not this again..."
"Twilight, we can't keep doing these crazy schemes of yours to get Celestia to fuck! You always back out at the last minute anyway", said Rainbow Dash.
"And how do you keep settin' up that dang banner in my cellar without me knowin'?", said Applejack, annoyed.
"also I still think 'clop' has a separate meaning that maybe you don't mean...", mumbled Fluttershy, mostly to herself.
Rarity attempted to be the voice of reason. "Twilight, dear, we decided it simply isn't worth the risk to take on the princess just to get her laid . I mean, we're just six ponies!"
Twilight expected this reaction, and rallied her friends. "No! We're not just ponies, we're the Elements of Harmony!"
Princess Luna, always with a flare for the dramatic, took this moment to step out of the shadows, adding, "and there's not simply six of us."
Twilight's friends' eyes went wide. "Princess Luna?!" they shouted in unison.
Rainbow Dash spoke without thinking. "Twilight, what is she doing here? If she's anything like her sister--"
"She's not!", Twilight said, "She's...she's actually hornier than any of us."
"Hornier than me ?", asked Applejack, incredulous.
"Hornier than me ?", asked Pinkie Pie, pulling a colorful bouquet of dildos out of nowhere.
"Hornier than me ?", asked Rainbow Dash, brandishing her 11 volume Daring Do slashfic compilation.
"Hornier than moi ?", asked Rarity, fainting into her chaise longue and into the arms of her anatomically correct Fleur de Lis plushie.
"Even hornier than me ?", asked Fluttershy, eyeing Luna up and down, biting her lower lip.
"YES! Hornier than all of you! Okay, maybe tied with Fluttershy, jury's still out on that one, but definitely up there for sure!"
"Well, tarnation! Why didn't ya say so!", said Applejack. The mood of the room shifted completely. Ever since the six had braved the Everfree forest on their own, they had emerged some of the horniest ponies in all of Equestria, and finally they were in the presence of one of their own. Laughter and stories filled the cellar for a time, and as the evening wore on and the rain fell outside, Twilight and Luna related the plan.
***
"So everyone knows their roles?", asked Twilight.
In unison, the rest replied with a confident "yes!"
"Excellent! In a three days, the Grand Galloping Gala will become the Grand Grinding Giga-orgy, and Princess Celestia will be free of all her...brain problems!"
"Or we'll all be dead or in the dungeon for treason...", added Applejack.
"And I'll be on the moon again...", added Luna.
"Oh cheer up, guys! I know what will make us all feel better...a PRE-ORGY ORGY!", Pinkie Pie beamed with excitement.
"Really? In my cellar, Pinkie Pie?", said Applejack.
"Oh, don't worry, we can spruce this place up in a jiff with my orgy cannon!"
Pinkie pulled the cord on the cannon, and with a loud and disconcertingly wet pop, beds inflated, a wrapped bandolier of dildos and vibrators unfurled, and somehow an office-style water cooler of lube sprung into existence. As the friends grinned at each other and got ready to see what the Princess of the Night could really do, Pinkie stared at the fourth wall of the dimly lit cellar, directly at you.
"Sorry, folks, but if you want actual clop, you'll have to check out any of the...", she glanced down at a clipboard, "five thousand clopfics posted in the decade since the last update. We believe in you!"
With that, the pact was sealed and the plan set in motion.
Author's Note
Soooooo, it's been a decade. How's things? Is anyone still out there?
The genesis for me finally adding to this story was playing Sucker for Love: Date to Die for. I don't want to spoil anything, and the game is actually quite chaste, but it reminded me how fun a dumb comedy smut fanfic could be. I haven't written creatively almost at all since the last chapter 10 years ago, but I re-read this story, and you know what? Now that I've forgotten all the jokes, they hit like new, and I thought it was pretty dang funny.
I'd thought off and on about finishing it every few years, and how funny it would be if the story came back to life after 2 years. After 4 years. After 6 years. But now here we are, 10 years later. Different world now, kind of scarier world, but also with the same kindness that existed before, even if it's a bit harder to see online.
Anyway, re-reading comments people left back in the hey day of this story and of this site was really positive. Wondering if there's anyone still out there that would make this worth continuing.
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Celestia drifted through her duties on auto-pilot, her mind buzzing and distracted. None could tell, however. She had been keeping mask upon mask perfectly in place for thousands of years. Every little pony that came before her got the same radiant, wise, calming counsel they were expecting, but inside, she knew she needed to gather her resolve in the next moment she could get to herself.
At the end of the long day, that time came, and she retired to her chambers. As the door latched behind her, she scanned the vicinity with both eyes and magic, and found herself the only pony for a fair distance. Even so, she stepped into her large oak walk-in wardrobe, leaving the door open only a crack, so that a narrow beam of light illuminated her and the large mirror at the back of it. She let down her outermost facade, and watched her own face go slack, her eyes grow tired, and her flowing mane settle and fall. She wore many faces, stacked one upon another, to form the maternal persona that kept Equestria intact. To her subjects in the light of day, she was the wise and peaceful ruler. Tipping that mask, she was the sexually repressed prude. Tipping that next mask, she was the reluctant sire to all living ponykind, save for her sister. And as far as anyone would ever know, that would appear to be the bottom, her deepest secret. She wished it was.
Yet Celestia knew that within herself, something was broken and sick. Something wrong, in opposition to nature, and a cruel mockery of how life was meant to be. Something twisted, writhing, burrowed deep into her psyche, secreting an endless drip of vile fantasies, a poison she had to constantly identify and purge. Fantasies so repugnant as to be beyond taboo, and beyond forgiveness. She hated this part of herself. She loathed it with a blinding intensity, as if she could burn away the urges by the force of her will. But that was impossible, so in her mind's eye, she instead imprisoned this execrable presence in a vault within her mind. Imaginary guards patrolled the figurative high brick walls and barbed wire perimeter. Massive iron vault doors sealed this evil, and dulled its words and its influence, though never enough.
Sometimes, in moments of quiet weakness like these, it would speak to her. Urge her to let go, to drop this final mask and indulge in horrifying depravities, like a torrential wave obliterating millennia of perfect mental discipline, the ultimate destruction of self. They were all around her, the temptations. So delectable, and arrayed around her like a buffet of delicious poison. In the infinitesimal moments between a seed of a fantasy being planted in her mind and her will uprooting and crushing it, she would experience the briefest thrills. Vulgar thoughts of physical acts of intimacy in direct opposition to righteousness. Touches and sounds that must never come to pass.
It was humiliating, a ruler of such power and control, to be beset by this sickness. She had never spoken of these urges to anyone, ever. They represented something about herself that must not be, and could never be admitted.
In her worst moments, this darkness would congeal into a persona, and even speak to her. Tempt her. Argue with her. Even try to reason with her, as though its criminal desires could somehow be made acceptable with words. And now, with the return of her sister, the revelation of her secret cavern of vulgarity—made only to preserve her kind!—this was one of her worst moments.
The persona of her sickness never had a visible form. It was amorphous, simultaneously alluring and revolting at the same time. It spoke to her in her own voice, but sing-song and sultry, sexualized to the point of pornography. It spoke.
"Celestiaaaaa~, you cannot keep me locked away. You want to touch them. To be with them. To be truly seen by them, don't you?"
She knew it was in her mind, and that she owned her mind, and that she did not have to follow where her mind wanted to bring her. She gritted her teeth in the dark closet and remained silent. It continued.
"Honeeeey~, you know you can't ignore me. We've been here before. So many times. I'm always me, and I'm always you. The only difference is that I stay the same, and you get worn down. I've been wearing you down for thousands of years. You will let me out one day, and with my sister loosed again, that day may be quite soon."
Her sister. Things were so much harder with Luna around. Celestia never looked at Luna's acts of lust, or those of her ponies, for fear that it would feed her sickness. She knew that they did sex , those stallions and mares. And at some level, that must be okay, because it's how you got new ponies. She knew that. At least, that's supposed to be how it works.
She had been terrified that her own matings at the center of the mountain would awaken her darkness, but no. Growing a stallion's penis and using it for procreation was not at all what it wanted. That natural act of procreation was as abhorrent to her tormentor as her tormentor was to her. Her matings were "safe" precisely because they were sex as it was supposed to be, only with her as the stallion paired with a mare. Her own detestable urges could never create life like that.
She knew that if she indulged in her actual instincts for even a second, even a moment, without squelching and annihilating them at the very next conscious thought, that it would feel right . It would feel drunkenly, deliriously right. She would commit crime after crime against nature in mind and soon in body, and her darkness would be truly released, and once released, she did not believe it could again be contained. Perfect concentration and discipline her entire existence had gotten her this far. Only the fact it had never been fed had kept it weak enough to contain.
Perhaps this was similar to how her sister felt? Was this presence her personal "Nightmare Moon"? But she wasn't weak like her sister. She kept herself aloof. Mythic. Apart. Alone. None of her ponies would dare tempt her sexually, and surely none would share her depraved predilection. It would take a grand conspiracy of her most trusted subjects working in tandem to construct a scenario that could ever even scratch her ancient armor. She would never undergo such a transformation.
Her odious passenger had watched these thoughts, as it watched all her thoughts, and left her one last echoing taunt.
"Celestiaaa~, I am you. You want these things. You will let me out, and you will love it."
She replied with the only words she ever consciously directed at this force. Narrowing her eyes, she gazed into the mirror, and with cold, dispassionate resolve, she spoke.
"I will never let you out."
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
The time had come, the Grand Galloping Gala was almost here. Luna, Twilight, and her friends had gathered to go over the plan one last time. Twilight proudly unfurled a scroll showing each individual step, plus a myriad of contingencies ranging from the reasonable to the absurd. Its astonishing length rolled to stop at Rainbow Dash’s hooves some distance away. “Twilight, did you…maybe…overplan again?”
“Rainbow, this is one of the most important things we’ve ever done! I had to account for everything that could possibly go wrong. Now, before the plan even begins, Luna has to go distract Celestia long enough for us to tell everyone at the Gala what’s going to happen”, said Twilight.
Luna was delighted. “Wonderful! I’ve been gone so long, Tia and I have so much to catch up on!” With that, Luna left the group as they discussed the plan, leaving the room just as Twilight began projecting slides with diagrams on the wall with her magic. It was such a carefully laid plan, it had to work!
Luna caught up to Celestia on the way to her quarters to get ready for the Gala.
“Tia! Our first Gala since I’ve been back! I’m so excited!”, exclaimed Luna.
“Ah, sister, yes. I was hoping to run into you. I know that back before you…left…that you would usually try to encourage ponies to be wanton, or scurrilous, or sometimes even lascivious at the Gala. Can I have your word that we can avoid that kind of thing tonight?”, replied Celestia.
Luna’s eyes went wide, which she successfully failed to conceal with a wide and innocent smile. “Whaaaaat? Me? I don’t think that sounds like me…”
Celestia narrowed her eyes. It was easy to keep her secret in check when it was just her, but Luna was a wildcard, and any skill she had in dealing with her forward nature had long atrophied.
Luna continued. “Now, we can’t get caught up in little details of who wanted everywhom to fuck each other a thousand years ago. But I can promise that I won’t…personally…lead the gala into becoming some kind of orgy.”
Celestia didn’t notice the careful wording, and smiled. “Good, that will be a relief. To be honest, I’ve been stressed out thinking that you’d be trying to ‘fix’ me again.”
“Oh, no, not at all, nopony would do that, so you don’t need to see anything coming”, said Luna, considering herself to be a master manipulator at this point. She continued, “but Celestia, really, surely there’s some stallion you’ve been attracted to at some point in the last millennium! Come, sister, it’s been so long, you can tell me.”
“No! There’s not a stallion in Equestria that I’ve ever been interested in. I don’t have those thoughts.”
“Are you sure? How is it that you’ve surrounded yourself with dozens of the hottest stallion guards I’ve ever seen, almost all identical, and that’s not a sex thing?”, said Luna, laughing.
Luna had meant it as off-handed teasing, like they had shared a thousand years ago, but when she looked up at Celestia, she blanched. It was clear from the look on her face that Celestia did not take it as idle teasing.
Celestia sputtered to get her words out. “I- I- I- would NEVER do something inappropriate with one of my guards!”
Luna shifted into damage control. “Sorry! Sorry! I’m just kidding! I know you wouldn’t! Come now, sister, I know it’s been a long time, but we used to joke, remember?”
Celestia did remember, in a way, but she now had a brittle, glass-like anxiety borne of a thousand years of thinking she was the sole sire of all ponykind while keeping her own repugnant sexuality suppressed at all costs. She did her best to compose herself. Being around her sister again was going to be hard, and she would need time to get good at it again. “Luna, I--”, she paused. “I should be getting to the Gala.”
Celestia started trotting at a brisk pace toward the balcony overlooking the ballroom to make her entrance. Luna panicked. It was too early! Twilight needed more time! Celestia was supposed to go to her quarters, not go straight to the event, and the ballroom balcony was just five doors down!
“Wait! You haven’t changed into your formal regalia!”, Luna pleaded.
Celestia just needed to be away from her sister, just for the moment. “It’s just a different crown and mantle, nopony will notice.”
Four doors down. “Uhh, you haven’t told me about the guests we’ll be having!”
“I’ll introduce you.”
Three doors down. “What, uhhh, what…now…is dancing?”
Celestia cocked her head without breaking her stride.
Luna grimaced and organized her words. “I mean, how has dance changed? Since I’ve been gone?”
“It’s a formal dance, so not very different.”
Two doors down. “Uhhh, I’m sleepy! I’m too sleepy to go!” Oh, that was the worst one yet, she realized.
“That’s fine, you can take a nap, but aren’t you the princess of the night? ”
One door left. She could hear the faint sounds of an elaborate musical number being struck up just through it. It was Luna’s last chance. Desperate, she braced herself, closed her eyes, and blurted out her true feelings, the words running together in rapid staccato. “Sister-I’m-worried-that-your-unhealthy-attitudes-toward-sex-reflect-some-kind-of-inner-conflict-and-I-care-about-you-and-I-want-to-talk-through-it-and-see-if-I-can-help-you-in-a-way-that-I-wasn’t-mature-enough-to-a-thousand-years-ago!”
Celestia stopped and turned, inches from the door. She looked down at the floor, and thought deeply for several seconds. “Perhaps…it would be good…to talk.”
Luna sat on her haunches, smiled, and sighed. Not only had she had stopped her sister from opening that door, she had at last made a real connection! Maybe she didn’t need this elaborate scheme after all.
“But not right now”, Celestia added. Faster than Luna could react, Celestia turned, and with her magic, silently swung the door wide to look over her Gala. She was not prepared for what she saw.
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
In polite pony society, there were things one tried to avoid talking about. These included a pony’s weight, how weird it is that everypony’s name usually ended up predicting their personality and job, and the extensive and elaborate planning that went into every musical number, such as the one Twilight was preparing for now. Ponies were taught to act as though breaking into song just happens, and isn’t the product of musicians, lyricists, and a myriad of other performers. But all this was seen as essential, for what better way to spread the word to everypony?
Earlier that night, Twilight had met with Octavia and Vinyl, finalizing every detail. She had saved a ton of bits by recycling the same melody as the last big song they had all performed about the Grand Galloping Gala, so it was just a matter of tweaking the lyrics.
As Twilight entered the ballroom of the Gala with her friends, she gave a nod to Octavia. As was standard practice in these situations, everything was set up just right so an outside observer would see it as spontaneous. Unbeknownst to Twilight, Celestia was just such an observer, watching silently, confused, from the balcony far above, as Twilight gave her opening line…
(To the tune of At the Gala )
Twilight Sparkle : I can't believe it’s finally time. For the good of Celestia and Equestria, the horniness of this gala is sure to make this... The Best Orgy Ever!
[Twilight Sparkle]
[Choir]
[Fluttershy]
[Choir]
[Fluttershy]
[Choir, clearly stunned by Fluttershy] her dreams will come true
[Applejack]
[Choir, visibly relieved at Applejack’s far more reasonable sexual goals]
[Rarity]
[Choir]
[Rarity]
[Choir]
[Rainbow Dash]
[Choir]
[Pinkie Pie]
[Choir]
[Twilight Sparkle] ever! )
[Choir]
[Choir and Fluttershy]
[Fluttershy]
[Choir and Applejack]
[Applejack]
[Choir and Rarity]
[Rarity]
[Choir and Rainbow Dash]
[Rainbow Dash]
Fluttershy : To fuck!Applejack : To ride!Rarity : To bang!Rainbow Dash : To hoof!Pinkie Pie : To gulp!Twilight Sparkle : To fix!
[All] ever!
With the finale of the song fading, Twilight was beaming with pride. While the song covered the crescendo of the night, it wasn’t how the evening was to start. She unfurled her planning scroll again and reviewed the dozens of stations and situations that would be orchestrated to carefully and incrementally expose Celestia to sexuality in a controlled way, monitoring her reactions, and proceeding through the 996 node flow chart that was the evening’s plan. As she tapped her hoof on the rounded rectangle labeled “START: Arrival of Celestia”, she didn’t notice her friends’ faces going ashen as their gaze craned upward toward the balcony.
Applejack was the first to speak. “Uh, Twi, you said you have a lot of backup ideas and stuff in that plan of yours, right?”
“Of course, once Celestia arrives, I have contingencies for every possibility!”
Rainbow Dash added, “so, like, if Celestia heard that whole song, you’d know what to do, right?”
“Well, I don’t have that contingency. But relax, Luna is taking care of her, so we should have another fifteen minutes to get ready.”
Pinkie Pie nervously piped up. “But if she were staring at us right now with her pupils all tiny like little needles and not moving at all, I know you’d totally know what to do! …right?”
Twilight got a chill as she looked up from her scroll at her friends. As Fluttershy did her best to bury herself in a nearby potted plant, Rarity simply raised a hoof to point. Twilight followed her gesture, and locked eyes with Celestia, standing rigid, mouth agape, eyes wide, atop the royal balcony. Behind her, Luna waved, shrugged, and silently mouthed “what now?”
Twilight froze. Everything about her plan hinged on incrementalism, with a possible “nightmare transformation” scheduled for the end of the night, after she had plenty of data on Celestia to go on. Now, here she was, locked in a staring contest with her mentor, who looked more like a spooked animal than the ruler of Equestria, and as everypony looked to her, she had no idea what to do. That said, she did know one thing. Leaders must project confidence!
“Okay. I have a plan. I know exactly what to do,” said Twilight, with as much synthetic calm as she could force into her voice. She had nothing. She eyed the grand staircase that led to the hallway that led to the balcony.
“Stay close,” she continued. Celestia remained motionless, completely frozen. Twilight took a step toward the stairs, eyeing Celestia for any reaction. There was none.
“Stay close,” she said again, and her friends followed, stepping cautiously forward with her.
“I know. Do exactly as I say, ” said Twilight, as they approached the stairs. Her mind raced, hoping for an actual plan to emerge.
Celestia’s eyes stayed locked on Twilight’s, and she finally took just one step backward. Twilight and her friends froze.
“Get ready…” said Twilight. The rest of the six looked at each other. Ready for what? Twilight still had no idea, but she seemed so confident .
“GET HER!”
Author's Note
5 points if you spot the movie reference in this one.
Also, don't worry, everybody is gonna be fine, everything is gonna be cool.
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Twilight, Luna, and company galloped behind Celestia, calling out to her in turn to no avail. Upon reaching her quarters, Celestia skidded to a stop and calmly turned around, plastered on a forced smile, and spoke. “P-p-pardon me for a moment, won’t you?”, she said in a halting and unconvincing tone.
The assembled party was stunned, and took no action as Celestia silently turned and entered her quarters. She absently left the door to her quarters open, and stepped robotically into her walk-in wardrobe, shutting its door behind her.
Twilight glanced at Luna. “Um, does that door…go somewhere? Like a secret tunnel or something?”, she asked.
“No?”, replied Luna.
“So Princess Celestia, my mentor, the goddess of the Sun, and ruler of Equestria…?”, Twilight began.
“...just locked herself in her closet,” finished Luna, flatly.
“So, uhh, what now, Twilight?”, asked Applejack.
“I…don’t know?”, replied Twilight. She gently knocked twice on the door. “Um, Princess Celestia? Are you okay in there?”
She heard a voice from inside speaking quietly but quickly. Then, what seemed like a second voice! The second was more sing-song. It sounded as though they were having a dialogue, but too quiet to make out the words.
In a circle, Twilight and the rest just looked at each other nervously.
“Is she…talking to herself in there?”, asked Rarity.
Everyone looked at Luna, who just shrugged. “I have no idea.”
The conversation inside the wardrobe was getting louder and faster.
“Well we gotta do something !”, said Rainbow Dash.
“But…what?”, asked Fluttershy.
“I dunno, I say we bust in there!”, replied Dash.
“Heavens, let the lady have her privacy!”, Rarity retorted.
“Maybe she just needs cheering up?”, added Pinkie Pie.
As her friends argued, Twilight just buried her head in her hoofs. “Oh, no, I broke Celestia. I broke Celestia! I’m the pony that broke Celestia. What are they going to do to the pony that broke Celestia?”
The party split into multiple side conversations, bickering and worrying, paying less and less attention to the wardrobe, until a smattering of laughter came from inside, silencing everyone. Glancing down, they saw a bright white light shining under the wardrobe door, and heard a slight vibration, which grew to a violent shaking of the doors as streaks of now colored light strobed rapidly from inside. Everyone began backing away slowly, and as the shaking reached a crescendo, the doors exploded open, splintering on their hinges, and a shockwave knocked the ponies tumbling backward. The blinding epicenter inside the wardrobe shined brighter than daylight, and the assembled ponies averted or covered their eyes until the phenomenon finally dimmed.
There, standing at the mouth of the wardrobe, was a new being. It looked like Celestia, but a full head taller, her strong wings fully unfurled and spread wide. Her body was taut with toned muscle. Her mane was brighter and more saturated, closer to Dash’s than Celestia’s original. The unseen breeze that had once caused it to waft peacefully was now at a gale, her mane whipping behind her dramatically. Her eyes were alert and full of purpose, but with a hunger that none present had ever seen from Celestia before as she looked upon the ponies gathered before her.
Luna, Twilight, and her friends stumbled to their hooves and stared with jaws agape.
Slowly, Dash said what they all were thinking. “Woooahhhhh…hot Celestia.”
The being spoke dramatically, contemptuously. “Yes, but reborn! You poked and prodded, and now you shall have your recompense! I have been released, and Equestria shall never be the same!”
The assembled ponies suddenly knew what they were looking at: some kind of Nightmare Moon scenario, exactly as predicted. Each of them confidently shouted the name they were sure belonged to this new being.
“Nightmare Sun!”, exclaimed Twilight.
“Daybreaker!”, exclaimed Rarity.
“Princess Molestia!”, exclaimed Luna.
“Dommy Mommy!”, exclaimed Fluttershy, appearing a little bit too into this turn of events.
Applejack opened her mouth to go next, but then she and the rest just turned to Fluttershy.
“Eep”, was her only reply, before the being’s booming voice interrupted.
“No! It’s…Princess Celestia!”, she said, as a peal of dramatic thunder clapped outside. Her shoulders then drooped a bit and she spoke more plainly for a moment. “Do you all really not recognize me? …and did she just call me ‘dommy mommy’?”
“Oh!”, said Twilight, relieved, “We thought you had turned all evil and taken on a new name!”
Celestia shook off her brief confusion, grinning slowly and widely. “Oh, my little Twilight, you’re only half right! But not everypony who turns evil”, she said as she looked squarely at Luna, “has to make up a new melodramatic villain name .”
“Hey!”, retorted Luna, before thinking for a moment and relenting. “Okay…fair.”
Celestia continued proudly, “and I will unleash my dark urges on all of Equestria, and there’s not a thing you all can do about it without your precious elements…of…harmony.”
As she spoke the last few words, her haughty pride diminished, as each of the six ponies brought out their ornamental element of harmony from within their dresses. Celestia deflated a bit at the sight. This evil transformation may not last as long as she had thought. “So, you all brought those with you…?”
Twilight looked an odd mix of triumphant and apologetic. “I’m afraid so, Princess Celestia. Sorry. We’ll…we’ll have you fixed in no time.”
Celestia sat on her haunches. All that dramatic reveal, and that’s it? She didn’t even get to explain her evil plan! Well, time to get this over with, she supposed. She closed her eyes and waited for the elements of harmony to do their thing.
And waited.
And waited.
After a time, all she felt was a slight breeze, so she opened her eyes, stunned to see that she was completely enveloped in the intense rainbow beam, but it was having no effect at all. She faced the elements. She permitted them to pass over her and through her. And when it was over, only she remained.
She grinned widely and hungrily. She had no idea why, but the elements were nothing to her! Her new evil form was invincible! She looked out over Luna and the bearers of the elements, who appeared harrowed and in disbelief.
Celestia stood defiantly and smirked. “As you can see, your elements have no effect on me!”
The rest of the ponies looked to Twilight or Luna for guidance, but found them equally panicked, frozen in silence. The apocalypse was at hand. All they could do was watch, helpless.
Celestia continued, “For now, I shall feed my heart’s most malevolent hunger…”
Twilight trembled. What had she done? Luna looked down, hopeless and forlorn.
Celestia continued, “My twisted desires of the flesh shall be made real…”
Pinkie Pie’s mind reeled, trying to find laughter that would not come.
Celestia continued, “I shall seek out the mare of my choosing…”
Rarity and Fluttershy hugged, seeking peace through friendship before the end.
Celestia continued, “And do mouth stuff and perhaps even hoof stuff with her!”
Applejack shuddered and--wait? She looked up, uncertain. “Uhh, that’s it? That just sounds kinda…gay”, she said.
Twilight was briefly shaken out of her terror by this. “Applejack! Did you just use ‘gay’ as a pejorative? I know the end is nigh and country ponies sometimes have certain attitudes, but that’s no excuse for--”
Rainbow Dash cut her off. “No, Twilight, Applejack is right! That…just sounds gay. Like, literally just gay.”
Celestia grinned widely. “Oh, none of you will be gay at all when you see the depravity I shall unleash!”
Dash forgot about the existential threat for the moment. “No, not gay like happy, either! Like GAAAAY. Like, just gay.”
Celestia cocked her head. “Um, gay means happy.”
Twilight put her hoof to her mouth. Oh no. Oh no. It can’t be. After all this. After a thousand years . After all the subterfuge for literal generations . This cannot be it. She squinted slightly and looked up at her mentor. “No, uhh, they mean…homosexual .”
Celestia squinted back. “Homo-what-now?”
“Homosexual.”
The invisible wind whipping Celestia’s mane dropped to a slight breeze and she replied, matter-of-factly, “I don’t know what that is. But I’m sure my thing is different.”
Twilight glanced over. “Luna, does she really not…?”, she started.
Luna’s eyes were wide, and she just raised a hoof in an exasperated ‘how should I know?’ gesture.
This was it. Twilight was going to have to explain the concept of ‘gay’ to her princess goddess mentor ruler deity. “Um, so Princess Celestia, you know how some mares like to be with stallions, right?”
“Yes, the natural order and all, of course”, she replied coolly. Inside, Celestia started to get nervous. Could this be, like, a thing ? A thing that ponies know about? No, certainly not, she had her own special and unique depraved sex fault that she’d hidden for millennia. There was no way it was a thing!
Twilight responded, “Okay, so sometimes a stallion likes to be with another stallion, and a mare likes to be with another mare.”
Celestia’s cool smile became a little more strained. “Yes, you heard of that just now, from me. It’s my thing, the thing that made me all evil.”
Very calmly, and as slowly as possible, Twilight replied. “Actually, Princess Celestia, that’s a thing that lots of ponies do. It’s…not new.” She paused for a moment, and second guessed herself, her eyes darting quickly to Luna. “And…she didn’t invent it, right, Luna?”
Luna just shook her head, too stunned and overwhelmed at the situation. Everyone looked to Celestia for her reaction.
Celestia remained motionless, saying nothing.
After several beats, Twilight carefully continued, “so, does that describe you? Are you a mare that is interested in other mares? …romantically? …or…sexually? Is that what all this is about?”
Celestia took a step back, and in a quiet, rapid staccato, said “No no no no no no no no no no no.”. She turned a full 180 degrees around, whispering disconcertingly to herself, “No…that can’t be right.” The assembled ponies gawked as she then turned slowly back toward them, and declared with confidence, “Yes. And nopony else could feel this way, so it’s definitely just me. I’m the only one in all Equestria who could be like this.”
Twilight was getting exasperated. “Celestia, it’s not even just you in this room .”
Celestia was in desperate denial, and smugly stated simply “Surely not.”
Twilight raised a hoof to point to herself. “Bi.” Seeing confusion on Celestia’s face, she added, “which is like gay and straight at the same time”. Seeing further confusion, she added, “and straight means not gay.”
She then pointed at Applejack, who responded simply, “Bi.”
She pointed at Rainbow Dash. “Suuuuuuper gay. Like, the most gay ever! ”
She pointed at Rarity. “Well, a lady’s mood can change from day to day, and…”, she started, but looking around the room, she gathered that nuance wasn’t the best for this moment, so she succinctly finished, “but we’ll just say bi.”
She pointed at Pinkie Pie. “Wellllll, mostly straight, but all bets are off at the right kind of party!”
She pointed at Fluttershy, who sheepishly muttered “pan” as though it were another “eep”. Celestia started to look confused again, so Twilight interjected “which we’ll just call ‘bi’ for right now.”
Lastly, she pointed at Luna, less confident that she was allowed to even ask, but Luna, still stunned and confused, responded absently without thinking, “5th dimensional hyper-pan.”
Celestia was reeling. Her darkest sin since time immemorial was shared by everyone in the room, even her own sister? She reared up on her hind legs and slammed down as she barked a single word.
“Impossible!” Unseen thunder again clapped from outside.
Celestia continued, “Mares can’t just do things with other mares! It’s unnatural! It’s evil! It’s what makes me evil!”
Twilight stood steadfast and stern. “Celestia, it’s not just not evil, it’s common! Like half of Ponyville is gay!”
Rainbow Dash muttered an aside, “Pffft, more like 30% before I got there...”
Twilight ignored her and continued, “I know you weren’t aware that ponies were having sex, but surely you’ve seen gay couples before, right?”
Celestia’s eyes drifted to the floor as she began re-evaluating what she knew about every pony in her life, lost in the immensity of the possibilities. During this time, Luna finally found her wits, realizing the absurdity of the situation.
“Wait, sister, do you not recall the wedding of our cousin Sappho last month?”, asked Luna.
Celestia’s mind snapped out of her reverie at her sister’s words. “Yes, well, I wouldn’t call it a wedding. They were just…friends, right?”
“Celestia, they both wore white dresses! They recited vows!”
“Those…were friendship vows. Friendship is very important to--”
Luna cut her off. “Do you remember who she married?”
“Befriended”, Celestia corrected, “and I believe it was a pony named Carpet Muncher, if I recall.”
Luna’s eyes went wide. How was she not getting this? “Yes, Sappho married Carpet Muncher, who has a lovely cutie mark of a tongue licking a…”, Luna slowed, and raised her hoof in a rotating motion, gesturing for Celestia to finish the sentence.
“Pink lily! That pony must really love eating flowers”, Celestia finished innocently.
Luna slumped onto her haunches. “I give up, somepony else want to try?”
Pinkie Pie bounded to the front of the group. “Oooh, I know! Rainbow Dash, how many mares have you been with?”
“Oh, easy: five,” said Dash with confidence.
The ponies glanced at each other quizzically. “Just, um, five?”, asked Fluttershy.
“Yeah, five today,” she replied.
“No, darling, I think Pinkie is asking: how many total, ever?”, said Rarity.
“Oh, I have no idea. Twilight and I tried to figure that out one time, but she said I had to learn something called ‘scientific notation’, and that nerd stuff doesn’t put mares in beds, if you know what I mean.”
“That hasn’t been my experience”, said Twilight wistfully, before coming back to the present moment. “But I see what you’re going for, Pinkie! Celestia, Rainbow Dash has been with tons of mares! Which means tons of mares have been with her. See? Lots of ponies are gay!”
Celestia slowly sat, finally beginning to process the situation. “So, you’re saying I’m just this thing called…’gay’? Not evil?”
Twilight beamed. She was getting through to her! “Yup! That’s all that’s going on here! It’s fine!”
Applejack sidled up to Twilight and quietly asked, “Um, Twi, do you want to make sure that’s all we’re dealin’ with here?”
Twilight nodded. “Celestia, just to be sure, you just want to date a mare consensually and maybe have sex, right?”
Celestia replied, “Um, yes? You make it sound so…simple.”
Twilight continued, “Any, um, kinks?”
Celestia was confused again. “Kinks?”
Pinkie Pie interjected, “She’s asking what’s your craziest, silliest, wildest fantasy ever!?”
Celestia thought for a long time, blushing a deep crimson, taking a few moments to gather her courage. “Well, I’m in a pristine glade with a beautiful mare.”
The rest of the ponies leaned in expectantly, expecting a tawdry roleplay or kinky twist from the millennia-repressed goddess.
“And we…do kissing, and, like, sex stuff on each other”, finished Celestia.
“And…?”, Pinkie prodded.
“And…that’s it? I mean, did I mention the glade? It seems so naughty to do such a thing out in nature.”
“Yeah, I think the only kink we have to worry about here is being the most vanilla lesbian ever”, concluded Rainbow Dash.
Celestia was relieved. “So, you’re saying all of that’s okay? I’m…not evil?”
Twilight put a hoof up to her mentor’s shoulder. “No, you’re not evil. In fact, that explains why the elements of harmony didn’t do anything. If anything, shooting a bunch of giant rainbows at you might have made you a little more gay.
Tears welled up in Celestia’s eyes. So many years of guilt and repression were being washed away. She could just like mares! It was a thing! A normal thing! In a few moments, she was outright crying, and the ponies presented gathered around her in a group hug. It all made so much sense now. Her entire world fit together in a new and more complete way!
As the tears receded, Celestia asked simply, “What now?”
Twilight replied. “A long time ago, you gave me some good advice. ‘Get out there and make some friends.’ Well, that’s almost my advice to you: Get out there and make some marefriends!” Celestia hugged the group even harder.
Applejack made a quick aside to Dash. “So, is she just gonna stay, like, transformed like this? All tall and sexy-like?”
Dash whispered back, “Yeah, let her have this. Maybe it’ll help compensate for her complete lack of game.”
The two ponies nodded to each other.
Celestia spoke up once more. “I just have one last question. What is that word you used...what is...‘lesbian’?”
After a beat, the assembled ponies all burst into laughter. They forgot about the Gala and/or Orgy entirely, and spent the evening teaching Celestia the reality of love, sex, and relationships to the ruler of all things.
Just verbally, you perv.
Author's Note
And there you have it. Celestia was just the most deeply closeted pony in the history of all life in the universe, but no big deal, for as with most problems in life, it was fixed easily by an elaborate orgy-based musical number. Now she has finally, both literally and figuratively, come out of the closet.
I think this ties off the biggest questions, but I have one or two epilogue chapters in mind if there's interest.
Oh, big props to 'Neece' for calling the twist in the comments two weeks ago! What gave it away? Was it the literal closet she went in, or a few tidbits in the inner dialogue? I tried to hint it just the right amount.
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
"So."
There was a long, anxious pause, as Luna prepared to ask her question and I prepared to answer it.
"How have you been doing it?"
This was the moment I had been dreading ever since my sister's return. More than the moment she looked up at me with mournful eyes moments after the Elements of Harmony returned her to me. More than the hours of tear-filled apologies and emotional outpouring that had just finished here in my bedchamber. More than the re-architecting of the Equestrian political system that I knew the return of a monarch would have to bring, come daylight. I knew I would have to tell her everything, but for now, I just wanted a few more seconds before I had to get into...that subject.
"Do what?" I replied, innocently.
"Tia." She looked at me with deadpan eyes. I kept my serene expression, but I could feel the strain on my smile. She proceeded simply, walking me through the question so that I could not avoid it. "The ponies I've met were not the ponies around when I left. That means that there have been new ponies. When I was around, I was in charge of helping couples 'produce new ponies'. You never wanted me to share that ability with you, and I doubt you figured it out on your own, being the prude you are. So, you know what I'm asking..."
She narrowed her eyes and curled her mouth into a wolfish grin.
"How. Have. You. Been. Doing-it?"
Luna may not know how I've been 'making new ponies', but she knows even the subject makes me uncomfortable.
I steeled myself, closed my eyes, and prepare to recite the speech I had memorized. This was just so awkward, but I just had to force my way through it. No flowery language, no moralistic embarrassment. Just the cold, anatomical facts that have allowed my little ponies to survive these last thousand years without a goddess of the night.
"Luna, without you to arouse the libido of our subjects, there was a panic, and a sharp decline in birthrate. I worked for years to inspire the same...feelings...in our ponies, but was not able to produce a result that was...satisfactory."
I stumbled over a few words, recalling so many awkward failed experiments in stimulating physical attraction in my ponies. Before her banishment, Luna, as goddess of the night, would "channel the flow of the sensual and the sexual" (to use her words). It was an uncivilized but undeniable biologically necessity, it's true. Luna would get ponies "in the mood" (again, her words) during her night. I always looked the other way when she would go out in the night to distribute her gift, so after her banishment, I was at a loss.
Taking a deep breath, I continued, "After nearly a decade with hardly a single birth, and many ponies frustrated that they couldn't even have so-called 'recreational' relations, our kingdom was about to unravel!"
I let out a long and protracted sigh, eager to add even a second before I had to explain what I had been doing. The truth is, I never respected her for having such an unseemly responsibility, but when she was gone, I was wracking my head trying to reproduce it. I tried spells, scrolls, songs, lotions, and potions. I tried moving the moon every which way, moving it up and down, closer and farther, rotating it round and round. Nothing helped. Colts couldn't even get their...things...to go...up. Mares previously known for their...appetite...could hardly be bothered. And as I quickly discovered, trying to force things just made it worse.
"I tried, but I just could not reproduce your...unique gifts."
Then, I made a mistake. I opened my eyes, only briefly, to see Luna's expression. I imagined it would be one of solemn support for my ordeal, and for the ordeal of our ponies. Empathy for my...distaste for this subject matter. Support from my dear long-lost sister. I got none of this! After hearing of my travails and the threat to our very survival, Luna was smiling! Grinning ear-to-ear like a cat stalking prey, eyes half-lidded! That same look that she had 1000 years ago whenever the topic of our subjects' reproduction came up. My eyes flashed angrily.
"Why are you smiling?! This is serious!"
"Because," she replied coolly, "now I really have to know what you did. What did frigid old Celly do to get ponies rutting?"
Oh, how I wish I had the perfect zinger ready at that moment. I wish I could have dashed her playful little attitude on the rocks of the perfect verbal jab. But when I opened my mouth to respond, my counterargument emerged thusly:
"ARRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
I let out a shrill, high-pitched cry of frustration. One thousand years! One thousand years leading ponykind by myself and my sister returns to shred my self control in an instant. One thousand years of peace and prosperity, of kind and loving leadership, of balance and harmony in all of Equestria, of complete adoration from my little pony subjects. One thousand years of wisdom and growth, and I can't take five minutes talking to my sister about sex.
I did what any great leader would do in this situation: I stormed out of the room in a huff.
At this point, let me be honest. I hate sex. I am the princess of the sun, the immortal ruler of all Equestria, the arbiter of its laws and the face of all ponykind. I am above such crass things. Nevermind that it's gross and sloppy and smells bad and UGH! I can't stand it!
Luna poked her head into the hall where I'd been fuming. "Tia, where are you even going? This is your room."
"Shut up, that's who!" I barked defiantly.
Not my finest retort, I'll admit. Luna looked at my quizzically, before softening her expression. "Come back in, Tia, I'm sorry. I won't make any more jokes. But you have to tell me what you did."
"Very well, but...promise you won't judge me."
"I promise."
Zen and the Art of Horizontal Refreshment
Luna leaned in toward Twilight, a Cheshire grin spread ear to ear. "What is the plan?"
Twilight turned from the edge of the Everfree back toward Ponyville. "Walk with me?"
Luna nodded, and the two set off.
Twilight drew a deep breath, and began. "Well, I've had a theory, and I think what you said earlier confirms it. It's based on your transformation into Nightmare Moon. It came about because of acute psychological stress aligned with your desire for sexual gratification, correct?"
Luna's jaw tightened a little. "A little on-the-nose there, but yes..."
"Sorry," said Twilight, looking down for a moment before scientific excitement got the better of her. "But listen! We just need to do the same thing to Princess Celestia, except inverted!"
Luna simply raised an eyebrow.
"Let me explain. I'm thinking if we bombard the Princess with an amount of sexual imagery, activity, and magic in excess of her intellectual capacity to process it, it should trigger a violent prolonged transformative psychic episode, which we can counteract by harnessing the magic of the Elements of Harmony to exorcise the resulting manifestation of her sexual neurosis, thus culling the repression of her reproductive psychophysiology from her psyche!" Twilight beamed, waiting for an A to be stamped on her metaphorical paper.
Luna simply smirked. "So we throw her into an orgy, get her to turn into Nightmare Celestia, hit her with a rainbow, and pip pip cheerio, problem solved?"
"Well, uhm, when you put it like that--", Twilight started to mumble.
Luna's eyes widened. "Why that's...that's..."
Twilight rapidly cycled through the possibilities of banishment, incarceration, and intra-banishment incarceration in her mind.
"BRILLIANT!" Luna exclaimed!
Twilight breathed a long sigh of relief.
"An elegant plan, exquisite in its simplicity and sublime in its daring! But how ?"
"Well, princess, that's sort of the problem I was hoping you could help with. I ran the math, we'd need over 1.21 gigabucks to crack Celestia, and it would need to be spread over hundreds of ponies! There's never been enough sexual energy in all of Equestria for that..."
Luna laughed, a ladylike titter at first before it grew to a deep-throated chortle. She raised a hoof and gestured over herself. "There is now, Twilight Sparkle!"
Twilight's eyes widened and she grinned ecstatically before noticing that the pair had reached her door. "Okay, but there's just one more thing, princess. Where will we find an event with that many ponies where Celestia is guaranteed to be that we can basically ruin by turning it into a massive orgy?"
Luna furrowed her brow. "Hmmmm..."
Twilight opened the door and the duo trotted inside, only to find Spike waiting excitedly. Clutching a scroll in his claw, he ran up to them, exclaiming, "Twilight, it's about time you got home! A letter came from Princess Celestia! We've all been re-invited to the Grand Galloping Gala...I've got the tickets and everything!"
Luna and Twilight simply looked at each other, grinning.
