Chapters Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
Reality and Fantasy (and Cougars)
“Wow, this is a lot more ponies than I expected,” gulped Twilight as more and more ponies started to show up in the library, each of them dressed up in their best party clothes for the occasion. “I hope we have enough food and drinks for everypony.”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” said Spike, looking through the crowds of ponies. “Where is she?”
“Where’s who?”
“Rarity, I’m trying to find her,” he said, looking over the head of everypony. “Where is she?”
“I’m sure she’ll arrive eventually,” said Twilight. “She’s probably just being fashionably late.”
“Yeah…”
“If you’re so impatient, then why don’t you go and greet everypony at the door.”
“Great idea Twilight!” chippered Spike, running past the guest and standing by the door just as Lyra and Bonbon walked in. “Hey guys, glad you could make it!”
“We wouldn’t miss this for the world!” said Lyra, placing a hoof around her marefriend. “Now we can show you guys how we party Ponyville style!”
“What?”
“Don’t mind her,” smiled Bonbon. “She’s been drinking since noon.”
“Hey! I’ve only had a few milkshakes.”
Bonbon rolled her eyes. “If I didn’t love you so much I wouldn’t tolerate your behaviour.”
“Too bad you do!” laughed Lyra, pulling her cream-coloured companion into the party.
“You two have fun,” said Spike as the two walked into the library. He turned back to the door to greet the next guest. “Octavia?”
“Hello again Spike,” smiled the grey-coated earth pony. “Surprised to see me?”
“A little,” he admitted. “I thought you would be playing at some Canterlot party.”
“I was, but my marefriend is playing the music here and she keeps pestering that we never spend the holidays together, which of course is absurd.”
“You have a marefriend?” he asked, “Who?”
“Yo Tavi, where are you?!” called a strong yet feminine voice. An electric blue-mane unicorn walked up next to Octavia, wrapping her arm around her. “Ah, there’s my MF! I thought you ran off on me,” she said, pressing her lips against Octavia’s cheeks, sucking and biting her marefriend’s cheek as she did so.
“Vinyl…” blushed the grey pony. “Other ponies are watching.”
“Hmm?” pondered Vinyl, finally realizing that Spike was present. “Oh snap! Are you a dragon?”
“Uh… yeah?”
“SWEET!” boomed Vinyl, sliding her purple tinted glasses on. “Never partied with a dragon before, this night is going to kill! C’mon Tavi,” she said, slapping Octavia on the rear. “Let’s go get me set up, I’m going to blow the ROOF off this joint!”
Octavia’s face grew redder as she followed the snow white DJ to her booth to help her set up.
“Weird…” muttered Spike. He had always thought of Octavia to be a bit more… refined, sort of like Rarity. But I guess anypony had the right to choose who they’d get to be with and he certainly wasn’t going to argue with that. He turned back to greet the other guests. “Good evening Mayor Mare,” he smiled. “Macintosh, it’s good to see you. Ditzy, Sparkler, Time Turner, always a pleasure. Fluttershy, nice to see that you decided to come and don’t worry, we are serving non-alcoholic drinks as well.”
More and more guest continued to fill the library, each one excited and curious for the night that would await them. But the one mare that Spike was waiting for still hadn’t shown up. Rainbow, Davenport, Colgate soon quickly showed up, along with Berry Punch and Carrot Top, but still no Rarity.
“Where is she?” worried Spike. Worse case scenarios started to run through his head. What if she had been kidnapped? Or had gotten lost? What if she had drowned in the bathtub?! “Oh no Rarity! I’ve got to save you!” screamed Spike as he opened the door to go save his love.
“Hello Spike, you look wonderful this evening.”
“R-Rarity!” said Spike happily, his heart nearly exploding with delight. “You’re here!”
“Of course darling,” she smiled. “But I was making this new outfit and lost track of time.”
Spike realized that she was wearing a completely original dress. It was a deep-cherry red and loose collar, tarnished with a few yellow stripes. Nothing extravagant, but she easily pulled it off. Around her neck, she wore a glimmer blue pearl necklace that shinned like the midnight skies.
“So what do you think?” she asked, giving her a few twirls. “Not bad for a last minute design."
“You look…” he began to say, his tongue hanging out as his lips curled into a big goofy smile. “Beabab blahblah…”
The white mare giggled at the tongue tied drake. “I’ll take that as a loss for words,” she said, walking past him. “See you at in the party, my little Spikey-wikey.”
“I love you…” muttered Spike in his dream state, not realizing that Rarity was gone. “I want to make sweet, sweet love to you…”
“Excuse me?”
“Hmm,” hummed the dragon, still not realizing that he had just told Caramel he wanted to make love to him.
“Sorry buddy, you aren’t my type,” the yellow stallion said, slowly walking around the dragon.
“Okay… what?” wondered Spike as he slowly returned to reality, shaking his head as Twilight climbed up onto stage in front of the DJ station, tapping her levitated glass to silence the talkative crowd of ponies.
“Attention everypony!” she announced as the last of the guest started to settle down. “First off, I would like to thank everypony for coming to Spike’s and I’s first New Luna’s Eve here in Ponyville and we hope that you will all enjoy yourselves!”
There was a quick stomping applause as Twilight continued.
“As you all know, since the return of Princess Luna, every one thousandth moon cycle, we raise our glasses to the return of Luna. It is a newer tradition yes, but it has become quite the celebrated one! Filled with union under the night the princess blesses us with, and to remind us of its beauty and to appreciate and love all things we may have overlooked, or not seen. Sometimes it’s been there, staring at your face for years and you’ve never really noticed before! But that is what tonight’s about, realizing the things in life we miss, the things in life we take advantage of, the things in—“
“Holy fuck!” whined Vinyl as she slipped her headphones on. “Enough with the fucking speeches! LET’S BLOW SHIT UP!”
She set her subwoofers to maximum and her bass to the highest setting, the resulting sound blast sent Twilight off the stage and the ponies into a raving frenzy, their bodies instantly moving to the beats the DJ provided.
“H-h-hey!” Twilight tried to scream, but she was easily drowned out by Vinyl’s remixes. “I wasn’t done my speech! I still had three more page—hey put me down!” she gasped, as a few of the partiers had lifted her up and over the crowd. The purple mare freaked out as she body surfed across the crowd, yelling and cursing for somepony to put her back down. “I’m serious, put me down! Hey! Don’t touch my flank you pervert! Spike help me!”
The dragon smiled as he playfully waved at the distressed unicorn, she needed to loosen up a bit anyways. Besides it looked like fun and Twilight was always in desperate need of that.
“Hey Spike, does this cupcake seem special to you?”
“WhaBRGH!” Spike choked, a pink hoof cramming a green frosted cupcake down his throat. By reflex he swallowed the sugary treat and spat the hoof out. “Pinkie! What the hell?!”
“Well is it?!” she asked, screaming over the insanely loud music.
“Is it what?!”
“Is it one of the special cupcakes?!”
“You mean like the one… you… ohmygod…”
Spike’s eyes widened and dilated as the world around him started began to merge around him into a colourful orgy of the senses. The bland wooden walls of the library quickly burst with wonderfully bright colours like a rainbow, the ponies around him started to warp in size, their bodies growing and shrinking into strange shapes and sizes and all around him, rubies with smiley faces skipped and cheered, playing childish games and Spike experienced true happiness.
“I’m so happy!” screamed Spike as he went to go skip and play in the magical mistletoe meadow. “It’s as if my inner goddess has done the dance of a thousand veils!”
“Spike!” screamed a one of the tiny gem people, rushing up to the dragon. The little jewel panted at his feet, trying to catch its breath before continuing. “An urgent message from the Marshmallow Queen!”
“The Marshmallow Queen!” gasped Spike, realizing the direness of the situation. “What happened? Has she been kidnapped by the evil Fuck-Wizard Blueballs?”
“No!” whined the gem.
“Has she been abducted by The Douchebag Dogs?”
“Nooooo!”
“Then speak man!” urged the dragon. “What causes the Marshmallow Queen distress?”
“Her royal highness the Marshmallow queen has suffered from a fatal disease!”
“By the cake-filled goddess!” said Spike, scratching his chin with concerned. “What is the name or her illness?”
“Nymphomania!” cried the gem. “Her loins ache for the touch of her one true love, but none that have been able to satisfy her! She has asked us gems of the gumdrop valley to try and find the one who can fuck the disease out of her and be her super awesome sexy somepony forever!”
“Hmm…” wondered the dragon, “Tis a noble a just quest you bring me, small gem person from the gumdrop valley. Very well, I shall accept this quest! And rid the fair Rar—I mean Marshmallow Queen of her Nymphomania!”
“Are you sure, noble dragon?” asked the gem. “The disease is not easily cured; you’ll both have to endure extreme pleasure and multiple orgasms in order to rid her of this foul disease.”
“That’s a risk I’m willing to take!” he declared. “Now come little gemstone! Let us ride the candy cane rhinos of the syrup waterfall to the kingdom of Boutique!” he grabbed the little gem and placed him in his mouth, happily listening to him scream as he chewed on it’s sweet, tangy body. The dragon jumped on one of the red and white rhino’s that were drinking from the syrup waterfall. “Ride, noble candy cane rhino! Ride until we hit the climax of the Everboob forest! And penetrate through the white canyon of bliss!” The rhino reared up and charged towards the sunset behind the mountains as Spike raced towards his goal to save the Marshmallow Queen…
However, this was all of course an illusion brought on by whatever was in Pinkie’s cupcakes. In reality, Spike was in the middle of riding the top of a sofa with Davenport’s hoof firmly grasped within his mouth. He giggled and snickered in his artificial high as the screaming Davenport attempted to pull his arm out.
There were other things happening at the party while Spike was in his drug-fuelled fantasy. Twilight had finally managed to be let down from body surfing when Vinyl switched songs. The purple mare groaned and brushed the sweat of other ponies off of her as she walked up to the bar. She needed a drink, badly.
“Confound these ponies,” she muttered as she poured herself a glass of vodka, followed by a dash of colta-cola. “They drive me to drink.”
“Ahh…” cooed an age, yet enthralling voice. “If it isn’t Miss Twilight Sparkle.”
“Huh?” she wondered, turning around to see none other than Mayor Mare sitting next to her. “Oh, Miss Mayor, I didn’t see you there.”
“But I saw you,” she chuckled, reaching for a bottle of spiced rum and Para-sprite. “You seem to be enjoying yourself.”
“Not really…” the unicorn droned. “To be honest this isn’t what I expected.”
“Oh?” wondered the Mayor, pouring the contents of her two bottles together. “And what was it you were expecting? Fine dining? Intelligent conversation? Innocent friendship?”
“Sort of…”
“My dear,” said Mayor Mare, “You’ve already forgotten the reason why we celebrate New Luna’s Eve.”
“What?”
“It’s not about order and lists and… more lists,” said the mare. “It’s about love and having fun! You said it perfectly yourself,” the Mayor cleared her throat. “To remind us of its beauty and to appreciate and love all things we may have overlooked, or not seen,” she quoted, looking deeply into Twilight’s glimmering, innocent eyes. “Sometimes it’s been there, staring at your face for years and you’ve never really noticed before…”
“To remind us of its beauty and to appreciate and love all things we may have overlooked, or not seen,” replied Twilight, hypnotized by the mayor’s gorgeous gaze.
“You see,” the Mayor grinned. “So relax dear, take a load off,” she brought up her freshly made drink. “To fun!” she said, as she slowly started to drink.
Twilight breath quivered as she watched the mare drink. The slow, big swallows the mare was able to take, each gulp causing Twilight’s heart to beat out of her chest, threatening to explode. She watched as a small drop of her sparkling beverage managed to slip past the rim of the cup and trail down the Mayor’s tan cheek and neck. Twilight pushed down the lump in her throat as she quickly grabbed her own drink, chugging it down within seconds.
“Ah…” sighed Mayor Mare, wiping off the stray drop of alcohol. “Shall we have another?”
“Mmmhmm!” Twilight quickly nodded, grabbing two bottles of tequila. “To fun!” she announced, before tilting her head back to chug one of the bottles.
“Yes… to fun,” agreed the mare, grabbing her own bottle. She pressed her drink to her lips, but not before checking over Twilight once more with her half-lidded, lustful eyes. The Mayor gave a little smirk before chugging her own bottle.
It was going to be a fun night.
Author's Note
Nymphomania is a serious diesease that claims 0 lives a year, those who have it are constantly horny and unable to be satisfied by any amount of sexual intercourse, they have to walk around and everypony (or other dosmestic being) they see they have the strong desire to rock their world at a sexual level. It is a terrible illness that destory's families, as they try to have sex with them. Truely they are in distress.
But there is hope. We have opened up a hotline where you can give donations to help fund this disease and make sure that everybody finds their Super awesome sexy somepony. We need your help so call 1-800-123-6969.
Remember, only you can prevent Nymphomania... by having sex.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
You Look Like I Could Use Another Drink
Spike rode heroically against the winds of the blistering blizzards of the Land of Ice Cream and Snow Cones, the strong winds threatening to knock him off his rhinoceros.
“Stay steady, fair Buttercup!” shouted Spike, wiping some whip cream off his face. “We shall transcend these wicked plains and soon be at the Ravioli Hills, and then the Kingdom of Boutique!”
“The winds!” cried the rhino, “They are too strong! We’ll never make it past the Frosting Mountains!”
“We will and we must!” yelled the dragon, “If we don’t, then the Marshmallow Queen will forever suffer from her Nymphomania!”
What drives you, mighty Spike?!” asked his trusty rhino steed. “You must have a heart of silver and gold to brave these conditions to reach her!”
“That I may! But in truth, I am simply a dragon that just so happens to be a playboy billionaire as well as a famous race car driver!”
“Then I swear on my life that you will reach the Boutique Kingdom!” shouted the Rhino, stepping through the ice cream snow. “As long as you promise you’ll make her your super awesome sexy somepony forever!”
“That I will!” agreed Spike, “Now push forward! We must get past all of this ice cream!”
The dragon and the rhino slowly continued to trek in the Land of Ice Cream and Snow Cones, making their way past the mountains and to the to the Marshmallow Queen’s kingdom of Boutique, so that the dragon could finally cure her of her Nymphomania.
However, in reality Spike had actually managed to work his way into the kitchen where he laid half unconscious in a large tub of ice cream. He occasionally licked up some of the melted cream, giggling as Davenport still tried to pull his hoof out of the dragon’s mouth.
“Will somepony please help me!?” he shouted, looking around the kitchen, “Hello? I need help! This really hurts!”
“Hehe…” snickered the drake, his face covered in melted ice cream. “A talking pony, that’s incredible!”
“How high are you?!”
“Come, Buttercup!” shouted Spike, his teeth still sunk into Davenport’s hoof. “To the Ravioli Hills!”
What? No!” the pony cried as Spike jumped through the kitchen window, dragging the screaming pony with him.
As the dragon dealt with his quest of saving the Marshmallow Queen in the garden, the party inside had continued to prosper. Vinyl had stopped manually blasting music, setting her machines to the auto-play and shuffle setting so she could enjoy the party herself as well. The electric maned pony was currently participating in licking salt off of Octavia while downing shots of tequila and lime wedges.
“Woo!” screamed Vinyl, shaking her head as she slammed her eighth empty shot glass on the table. “This shit is tight! Yo babe, pour me another one!”
“Of course, dear,” smiled Octavia, reaching over the bar to grab another shot glass and filling it to the rim with the suggested drink. “How many more do you think it’ll take before we switch?”
“Last one, I swear!” grinned Vinyl, grabbing the salt shaker. “Raise your hoof out.”
“Actually,” said Octavia, a sly grin forming on her face as she hoisted herself onto the bar, lying down as she stared at her marefriend. “I have a better idea, give me the salt.”
“W-what do you have planned?” she asked, blushing as she handed the salt to the grey mare.
“I have an idea…” Octavia said, leaning up slightly as she gently tapped a trail of salt in a line right below her core, leading up her stomach. “There we go.”
It was difficult to tell, but Octavia could have sworn Vinyl’s eyes widened behind her thick shades. The unicorn wasted no time, quickly downing her drink and jumping on top of the grey earth pony.
“Fuck that!” she said, attacking the inside of Octavia’s mouth with her tongue, swishing around in her drunken lust. Octavia, surprised at first, made no effort to fend off the assault being made against her. She tasted the tequila and lime on the DJ’s breath, intoxicating her as they continued to make out on the bar, not caring at any on-lookers.
“That’s hot,” grinned Lyra as she and Bonbon stared at the two ponies. “You want to get in on that?”
“N…nah,” said Bonbon, taking a sip of her drink, “This is actually really good, you want a sip?”
“No thanks,” said the mint-green mare. “I still need to be somewhat sober to start our plan.”
“Plan?”
“Yeah, the one I told you about,” said Lyra. “You know, Operation: Soaring Eagle?”
“Is that what we’re calling it now?” asked Bonbon. “What happened to the old codename?”
“I just figured Operation: Get Fluttershy drunk was a bit too obvious.”
“I guess,” admitted Bonbon, taking another drink. “So what are we going to do? Fluttershy doesn’t drink, plus I don’t think that she plays for our team.”
“Then we need to ‘persuade her’,” said Lyra, snickering sinisterly as she levitated a bottle of vodka towards her. “Let the first step of Operation: Soaring Eagle commence!”
“Which is?”
“Pouring this entire bottle into Fluttershy’s punch,” said Lyra.
“By the goddess, you’re a genius!” said Bonbon, finishing her cup. “Do you want to make out first?”
“Yes… yes I do,” said Lyra, tossing the vodka bottle in a random direction before pouncing on the cream-coloured mare.
The bottle went flying across the room, crashing against the wall of the library and almost hitting an unaware Caramel.
“What the hell?” the yellow stallion wondered, looking around the room for the culprit. “Who almost hit me in the face with a vodka bottle?!” he yelled.
He scanned the room, finding a large red stallion nearby, looking awfully suspicious.
“Hey you!” he snarled, walking up to the pony, nudging him on the side to get his attention. “Hey, I’m talking to you!”
Big Macintosh turned around, looking down at the smaller yellow stallion, raising a curious eyebrow at him.
“Listen bro! I don’t know where you get off throwing bottles at ponies, but fuck off!”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me you pansy ass bitch!” growled Caramel, “Don’t fucking do it!”
“What the heck are you talking about?” asked Big Mac. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Horse shit! You threw that bottle at me you prick!”
“I didn’t do nothing of the sort,” frowned the big red pony. “And I’d suggest y’all stop with the insults.”
“Smoke my pole you fat, mare-legged gaylord!”
“I don’t know what me being gay has anything to do with it!” roared Big Mac. “But I’ll only ask y’all one more time, stop insulting me.”
“Make me you flaming homo-“
WHAM!
Big Macintosh hoof collided with Caramel’s jaw, the mighty blow from the farm pony sending him hurtling to the floor.
“I warned ya,” he muttered.
“Holy shit…” groaned Caramel, as he slowly got up from the ground. “I feel different…”
“Well I did just punch ya,” he said. “Now y’all are going to apologize?”
“Yeah, yeah…” said Caramel. “I’m sorry, but I feel strange…”
“What? How?”
“I think… I think you punched the straight right out of me.”
“Excuse me?”
“Do you want to go have extremely hot and lustful sex on Spike’s bed?” asked the newly gay Caramel.
Big Mac pondered at the thought before smiling as he took Caramel’s hoof.
“Eeyup!”
*****
“Oh my goddess that was good…” Twilight said, putting the empty bottle of tequila down on the table. “You were right Miss Mayor, drinking three bottles of tequila was easy…”
“That’s… that’s what I said,” nodded the Mayor, she herself had also had a large amount to drink as well.
“What do we do next?”
“Whatever you want…” said Mayor Mare, “It’s New Luna’s Eve. But I have a few ideas if you’re feeling a little… ‘adventurous’ this evening,” she slid her hoof across the bar, gently touching Twilight’s. “Are we feeling adventurous this evening?”
Twilight gulped. “W-what do you mean?”
The Mayor smiled. “Tell me Twilight, do you have a coltfriend?”
“N-n-no.”
“Oh really? A pretty little thing like you is still single? I find that very hard to believe, Twilight” said the Mayor. “You must have had a stallion in your life at one point.”
“Nope,” sighed Twilight, as she went to fill her glass again. “Just me and my books… forever alone…”
“That’s not true,” said Mayor Mare. “You have your friends and your family.”
“But not a coltfriend…”
“Well,” wondered the Mayor as she inched ever closer to the purple mare. “Have you ever considered the… alternative lifestyle?”
“The… the what?”
“Fillyfooling, dear,” grinned the Mayor, “Have you’ve ever considered being with another mare?”
“I—I umm… sort of….” mumbled Twilight. “But I wouldn’t know what to do, I’ve never had a coltfriend, much less a marefriend.”
“Maybe you didn’t have the right partner,” smiled Mayor Mare, brushing her hoof light through Twilight’s bangs. “You have such a pretty face, and it’s ashamed that it can’t be fully appreciated.”
Twilight blushed, dropping her drink on the table and spilling it. She barely heard it though over the sound of her pounding heart. Her bones rattled as the Mayor’s hoof slipped passed her shoulder and down her back. The Mayor felt every sensitive spot as Twilight’s nerves kicked into overdrive, the slightest of contact nearly pushing her over the edge and into a jiggling pile of juices.
“So, Miss Twilight,” said the Mayor, slowly taking off her glasses. “What are we? Are we a dirty little fillyfucker?”
“Ye-ye-yes!” trembled Twilight with excitement. “I want to fuck filly! I want to grind them, lick them, penetrate them all!” her voice grew shaky as she continued. “I-I-I want to do all the weird stuff, I want to be dominated, rutted with strapons, and screwed until I’m just a moaning pile of pleasure!“
The Mayor gave a sexy little smirk as the final step of her plan was set into action. “Why Twilight, I never knew you had a wild side of you, but it sounds like you’re going to need somepony with a lot of experience…”
“Damn it…” whimpered Twilight, slamming her head on the bar. “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
“Easy girl,” said Mayor Mare. “I just so happen to know a mare that enjoy doing all of that and more,” she said. “If you’re able to overlook her age.”
“What… you mean like a Milf?”
“Well, I'm a 'Mayor I’d Like to Fuck' so sort of.”
“Milf…” said Twilight, lifting her head up to stare into the Mayor’s pretty lips. “Milfs are pretty hot.”
“And trust me when I say this Twilight,” the Mayor said, leaning into Twilight’s ear. “You would never forget a night with me.”
“Holy shit…” moaned Twilight. “I think… I think I love you.”
The Mayor licked her lips, as she started right into Twilight’s innocent purple eyes. “Fucking love you too.”
*****
“Whooo wee!” shouted Applejack, “Rainbow, if you’re going to ride me all night, can ya at least pull on my hair?”
“Sure thing, cowgirl!” laughed the rainbow-maned pegasus, as she took a grip on AJ’s ponytail and gave it a good strong pull. Rainbow was currently riding Applejack like a… pony. Her legs wrapped around her as she snatched the orange mare’s hat away, placing it on her own head.
She rode her into the couch, the cyan mare sliding off as she tugged again on Applejack’s mane. Rainbow lifted the cowpony’s tail as she started to publicly dry hump her in the middle of the party.
“Ah, yeah!” grunted Applejack, her face being rammed into the cushions of the pillows. “Ride this mare!”
Rainbow continued to pound at the hips of the cowpony as the rest of the party cheered her on. The lights were a blur around them as she proceeded to spank Applejacks rump, and they got lost in the moment… and a little carried away.
“Are they…” gulped Fluttershy, who was one of the on-looking ponies, “Are they having sex?”
“I think so!” smiled Pinkie. “My Pinkie Pussy Sense is going crazy! There has to be at least a dozen ponies banging!”
“Oh my…” gulped Fluttershy, her face slowly beginning to glow a bright read. “I-I think I need a drink…”
“Hey Fluttershy, do you want to make out?” asked Pinkie.
“Oh umm… no thank you,” whispered Fluttershy, carefully backing away from the pink mare.
“Aww… okay!” laughed Pinkie, as she bounced away towards a tan-coloured pegasus. “See you later alligator!”
“Okay…” mumbled the shy pony, turning around and walking towards the punch area. “I hope Twilight remembered to make a punch bowl without alcohol…”
“Heeeeeeey Flutters!”
“Oh…” gulped Fluttershy, cowering a little as a mint-coloured unicorn and a cream-coated pony walked up to her, slowly circling her, like sharks toying with flesh. “Hello Lyra, hello Bonbon.”
“Having fun?” asked Lyra, her eyes half-lidded as she wrapped a hoof around her shoulders. “We sure are, isn’t that right Bonbon?”
“Yes indeed,” agreed Bonbon as she raced her eyes up and down Fluttershy’s perfect little figure. “Just oodles of it.” she said. “And we were hoping you could join us for a little more fun.”
“Oh, no thank you,” she squeaked, “I d-d-don’t like fun.”
“Oh…” pouted Bonbon, “But fun’s so much… fun!”
“Everypony likes fun,” said Lyra.
“P-please girls, I-I-I just want to get a drink of punch,” Fluttershy said.
“Oh is that all? Well here, have some of mine,” said Lyra, offering her a cup.
Fluttershy shook her head. “N-no thank you, I don’t drink, I think Twilight left me some non-alcoholic punch by the snacks.”
“Then let’s get you some!” grinned Bonbon, pushing the pegasus towards the snack table. As she pushed, she gave a little wink to her marefriend, who in return wickedly flashed a smile back. “Here you go!” the candy mare said, pouring her a cup. “Drink up.”
“Thank you,” smiled Fluttershy as she gingerly took a sip of the red punch. “Wow… this is really good,” she said, taking another sip, followed by a swig, then a swallow, and then finally pouring the whole cup down her throat.
As Fluttershy was drinking, Lyra’s horn began to glow, bringing over a large bottle of vodka. Bonbon popped the lid off with her teeth and the two began to quickly pour the contents into the punch, Lyra quickly mixing it in so Fluttershy couldn’t tell the difference.
“Mmm,” sighed Fluttershy, bringing her head down after her drink. “This is really good.”
“Have another one,” said Bonbon, pouring a glass of the spiked punch to the unsuspecting mare.
“Thank you,” she said, bringing it up to her lips, stopping just millimeters away. “Wait, you two didn’t do anything funny to the punch? Did you?”
“What?!” gasped Lyra in disbelief, “That’s absurd! Why would anypony want to get you drunk and vulnerable?”
“And you trust us? Don’t you Fluttershy?” asked Bonbon, batting her eyelashes innocently.
“Oh… okay,” Fluttershy said as she started to drink, the two ponies with her secretly giving each other a hoof bump as the yellow pegasus finished. “It tastes… different. Like something funny’s been added.”
“Probably just an aftertaste,” suggested Bonbon, pouring another glass of punch for her. “Another cup, Fluttershy?”
“Yes please,” she said, grabbing the drink from the earth pony’s hooves.
“Are you sure you don’t want a sip of my drink?” asked Lyra.
“No thank you,” said Fluttershy, downing her second glass of spiked punch. “I don’t drink.”
“Whatever you say Flutters,” snickered the mint-green unicorn, taking a sip of her glass of water.
“Ah…” sighed the yellow mare, finishing her second glass. “I feel… warm, like inside of me.”
“Weird,” shrugged Bonbon, “You know what fixes that? More punch.”
“Yes please.”
Fluttershy took yet another glass of punch, chugging the whole thing within seconds. She didn’t even ask for a refill and just took the next cup of punch from Lyra’s hoof. More and more she drank, the alcohol quickly working its way into her system. She became sloppy with her drinking, letting the punch dribble down her cheeks. She became louder, and more giggly as she began to relax and crawl out of her shell.
“Mmmmmm…” moaned Fluttershy, dropping her sixteenth cup of punch on the floor. “That was the best punch ever! Woo....” she laughed, throwing her hooves in the air for she did not care as she fell to the ground.
“I’m glad you like it,” said Lyra, looking at Bonbon and giving her a little nod. “Now… we we’re wondering if you would like to play a game?”
“What… what kind of game?” wondered Fluttershy, rolling around the ground, biting onto one of her discarded cups and nestling it on her nose.
“Have you ever played seven minutes of heaven?”
“N… no.” bubbled the mare.
“It’s a super fun game,” said Bonbon. “Would you like to play with us?”
“It’s a… it’s a three pony game?”
“Sometimes,” said Lyra, “You can play with two but me and Bonbon been wanting to try it with a third.”
“Umm… I’ll play…” said Fluttershy. “What do I need to do?”
“Well first you need to get up,” laughed Bonbon. “After that we’ll help you get to the game’s area.”
“O-okay,” muttered Fluttershy as she tried to get up, staggering a bit and slamming into table before falling down again. “Oops…”
“It’s okay we’ll help you,” said Lyra. She and Bonbon both took one of Fluttershy’s hooves around their necks and started to carry her away. “Bonbon, I think that we may have given her a bit too much.”
“Maybe… oh well, too late now,” the candy mare giggled as they approached the library’s storage closet. “Here we are.”
“Wha… what are we doing at the closet?” mumbled Fluttershy. “Is this where we play the game?”
“Yeppers!” said Lyra, as she opened the closet door. “Now don’t worry about trying too hard. There are no losers in this game.
“Good…” sighed Fluttershy. “I don’t like games where you can lose…”
“Hey Lyra,” said Bonbon as she walked into the closet, look what I found.”
“What do you got there?”
The cream-coloured mare rummaged through the closet, pulling out a long, wooden broomstick.
“Well if it isn’t our old friend,” grinned Lyra. “You’re in for a treat tonight Flutters.”
“Why? What’s so special about a broomstick?”
“You’ll find out,” said Lyra, shoving the drunken Fluttershy into the grasp of Bonbon and walking into the closet herself. “Shall we start the timer?”
“When have we ever kept track of time?” giggled Bonbon.
“Umm, what’s happening?”
“Relax Fluttershy,” said Lyra, shutting the closet door and concealing the three in the darkness of the small room. “Just let it happen, now Bonbon, pass me the broomstick, I think it’s time Fluttershy gets a good cleaning…”
*****
“This party is lame, brother of mine…” groaned Flim. “There are like no good chicks here.”
“Flim, you have to be more open minded than that,” said his mustached brother. “Be happy that we got invited.”
“Whatever Flam...”
“Oh don’t be that way,” said Flam.
“Yeah… so anyways, what the hell are we going to do? Every good mare here’s been taken.”
“No shit, really?” Flam said sarcastically. “You don’t think I haven’t noticed that?”
“I’m just saying…”
“What? You expect some awesome mare to just walk in and demand to have sex?”
As if on cue, the doors of the library burst open, puffs of dark mystical smoke started to pour into the room as a tall hooded figure entered the room, its eyes glowing white with power.
“WE HAVE COME TO THIS PARTY IN CELEBRATION OF THY’S NAME BECAUSE THERE HAS BEEN A NOISE COMPLAINT!” the imposing figure yelled, deafening the entire party. Everypony looked as the pony, took off her hood, revealing the magnificent Princess Luna.
“Holy shit,” said Flam, awe-struck by Luna’s nightly glory and beauty.
“Son of a bitch…” drooled Flim, hypnotized by her unnatural good looks and grace.
“Y-you said there was a noise complaint?” gulped Pinkie Pie, amazed by Luna’s size and figure.
“YES!” Luna grinned, flicking her coat off. “YOU’RE NOT MAKING ENOUGH NOISE!”
“WOOOOOOO!” cheered everypony as the party resumed at maximum blast. Luna pulled out a large jug of moonshine, hammering it back the contents in seconds.
“Wow…” gasped Flam, “Is that…”
“Princess fucking Luna…” replied Flim. “The most beautiful-“
“And sexiest pony in all of Equestria.”
“Anypony would give his left nut to spend a night with her…” said Flim.
“I’d know I would,” said Flam.
“Same here,” nodded Flim. “Wait… is she coming this way?”
“Oh crap she is…”
“GENTLECOLTS!” she moon princess screamed at the two stallions. “It has come to our attention that we desire intercourse with you!”
“Me?” asked Flam.
“Me?” asked Flim.
“Either or will work!” she yelled. “Or both of you if thou desires! We will be waiting for you or you or both in the basement for intercourse!”
Both of the stallions stared at the luscious flank of Princess Luna as she walked away.
“Okay… that was weird,” said Flim.
“I’m going to have sex with her,” grinned Flam.
“Pardon me?”
“I said, I’m going to have sex with her,” repeated Flam
“That’s funny, because I was going to do that,” said the cream-coated stallion. “I sure as hell ain’t passing up this opportunity in my community…” he paused. “God damn it.”
“Well what are we going to do?” asked Flam. “Three-way?”
“That’s not a bad idea.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” said Flam, “Isn’t that kind of gay?”
“Not if you think it isn’t,” said Flim. “Besides, are you having sex with me?”
“No, with Luna…”
“Then it’s not gay.”
“But you’ll be there,” said Flam “It just seems kind of weird.”
“Brother, are you going to plow me or Luna?”
“Luna.”
“Then it’s not gay!” Flim tried to explain. “As long as we make no gay physical contact, then it’s just two guys rutting the same mare. I’ll take the front, you take the back and we’ll switch like half way through.”
“What about when we DP her?” wondered Flam “Our… you know, they might slam against each other’s.”
“Then either pull your balls back or suck it up,” muttered Flim. “Look, are you gay?”
“Of course not!”
“Then let’s do this to her.”
Flam took a moment to think. “You’re right Flim, she’s Princess Luna, the greatest pony in the world and she deserves this.”
“Awesome,” nodded Flim, stretching his arms out. “Bro hug?”
“Bro hug,” said Flam as the two had a bro hug, quickly breaking it when maximum bro-ocity was reached. “Let’s do this, brother of mine!”
“Yeah!” screamed Flim, as the two ponies went into the basement to rock Luna’s world.
*****
“There it is Buttercup,” said Spike gazing upon the wondrous and enchanting Kingdom of Boutique. “Our goal is within view!”
“And it is where we must part ways” said the candy cane rhino. “I wish you good luck, fair knight.”
“You have been a great companion, Buttercup, and I wish you fair travels back to the meadows,” said Spike, waving to the rhino as he walked towards the castle doors of Boutique. “But now it is time for me to claim my prize!” he said, pushing open the doors and entering the diamond halls within.
The rooms was made with every gem known to pony and dragon as it sparkled with the beauty of the sun, it was almost blinding if it weren’t for the fact that the real treasure sat at the end of the hall in the Marshmallow throne.
The Marshmallow Queen, the very face and definition of beauty incarnate. Legends have said that she once killed a stallion just by looking at him with a pouty face, his heart unable to take the sheer amount of desire that it pumped in his veins. Only those worthy of her would be spared her lust and instead be rewarded with pleasure.
The dragon knew he was one of them.
“Sir Spike…” the Marshmallow Queen moaned, pouncing out her throne and crawling seductively towards the dragon. “I knew you would come… now to make you come some more…” she smiled, crawling up Spike’s leg, dragging her tongue against his hard, eager scales.
“I came as soon as I could,” said Spike, doing his best to keep from doing the queen right then and there. “I heard you have caught a case of Nymphomania.”
“Oh the worst!” she cooed, “Day after day, horny and unsatisfied by these tiny little ponies… when all I needed was a big dragon to fill me up,” she climbed up to Spike’s waist, placing a firm hoof on both sides of his rump. “And from the bulge in your trousers, it’s a very big dragon…” she licked her lips.
“Well, the goddess did bless me with two—“
“No more words!” shouted the Queen, ripping off her dress. “Fuck me dragon! Fuck the nymphomania out of me and be my super awesome sexy somepony forever!”
No words were needed, as he locked lips with the horny queen, swishing his devil-pronged tongue around her mouth, savoring the taste of cake, ice cream and other sugary treats she must have consumed. She fell backwards, pulling him onto of her as she laid there for the taking.
It would have been beautiful, if wasn’t all an illusion.
Reality hit Spike hard as all the pretty colours went away. The crystal gems of the castle were replaced with the boring wooden book shelves of the library. The sprites and talking animals were all replaced with drunken, fucking, or sleeping ponies and below him was not the Marshmallow Queen, but rather an eager and ready pink mare.
“Why’d you stop?” asked Pinkie Pie, her smiling mouth open covered in Dragon’s spit. “Things were just getting good!”
“Pinkie Pie!?” gasped Spike, jumping off the mare. “What the hell just happened!?”
“I think you just ended your trip,” said Pinkie, getting up from the ground. “Kind of a sour time to stop as well, we were this close to doing it!”
“B-b-but I like Rarity!”
“So do I, but you’re the one that came on to me silly!” teased the party pony. “Oh well, no big deal it was fun while it lasted.”
“How long has it been? What did I do?”
“I don’t know, maybe the pony in your mouth can tell you,” said Pinkie.
“What?” muttered Spike, noticing the limp pony hoof that was still in his mouth.
“Heeeelp meeeee…” muttered Davenport. “I think I’m dying…”
“Oh shit!” screamed Spike, coughing up Davenport’s arm. “I’m so freaking sorry for that!”
“My blood…” the near dead pony mumbled. “It smells like… almonds.”
“That’s not good,” said Pinkie, not looking too concerned. “I know what he needs!” she said, grabbing the stallion and dragging him into the bathroom. “Him and I are going to play doctor!”
“What does that mean?”
“It means my Pinkie Pussy sense is going to stop twitching! Good night Spike!” she said, slamming the door behind her, leaving Spike alone in the room.
“Wow…” he said to himself. “That was weird,” he looked around the library, seeing how everything had begun to slow down. there were almost no ponies still standing and the ones that were standing were sleeping against the walls. He could see ponies hugging, kissing and fucking each other all over the floor as he tried to avoid couples and sex puddles. “I wondered what happened to Rarity.”
“Heeeeeeeey Spikey wiiiikey…”
Spike turned around towards the bar, seeing a white hoof slowly waving at him. A similar coloured hoof rose up as well as a very drunk Rarity pulled herself up and onto the bar.
“Rarity?”
“Theeere you are…” she laughed, rolling on top of the bar surface and knocking over several glass bottles, all of them shattering on the floor. “I’ve been looking everywhere for my favourite dragon.”
“What happened to you?” asked Spike, walking up to the bar to make sure she was okay. Rarity’s dress was covered in wet stains and wreaked of fruit and gin. There were a few tears here and the collar had slipped passes her shoulder but other than that the dress was fine. Her mane was a different story. It was frizzled, frayed and just overall messy as if Opal thought her mane was a clump of yarn.
“Oh Spike it was fabulous!” she giggled happily, burping a little as she continued. “I was with berry… and Raindrop,” she looked both ways before leaning into Spike’s ear. “I think they’re lesponies,” she whispered. “Anyways, we were all drinking when that Berry Punch challenged me to drink! DRINK!” she shouted, raising her hoof as she blindly searched for a drink, grabbing onto a bottle of strawberry margarita. “As a laddie—lady I had to bitch that shut up!”
“Excuse me?”
“I… You’re pretty Spike,” she cooed in her drunken haze. “If you weren’t a gay I would totally fuck you…”
“I’m not gay!”
“Then why do you have gay sex?” she laughed, rolling into Spike’s arms as she continued to laugh. “I’m just kidding! Don’t be so sensitive Mr. Muscly… Mr. Veeeeeeery Muscly…” she said as she started to rub Spike’s chest. “Such power… the things you could do to me…” she smiled. “Spike…”
“Yes Rarity?” he asked, leaning closer to the love of his life who laid drunk in his arms. “Is something the matter?”
“I…”
“Yes?”
“I…”
“Yes!?”
“I…”
“YES?!”
*Belch!*
“Bwhahahaha!” Rarity burped, kicking her head back as she laughed hysterically. “Oh Goddess I’m so drunk.”
“I can tell,” said Spike, twitching his nose as he inhaled the smell of tequila and mint on her breath.
“Heeeey Spikey!” she said, tugging on his arm.
“Yes?”
“You look like I could use another drink!” she said, taking another gulp of her margarita.
“Yeah, and you look like I need to take you home,” he said, stepping passed the other ponies and heading out the front door of the library. “I’ll carry you back to the boutique and maybe crash on the couch or something.”
“Ooooooooor…” the white mare said, running her hooves up his chest. “I have a nice big bed…”
Spike’s heart stopped.
“Y-you’re serious?”
Rarity nodded, her head swaying back and forth as she did so. “Get me back home… and I’ll make all your dreams come true,” she winked, pouring more alcohol down her throat.
“Let’s just get you home first,” said Spike, stepping out into the cool air outside as he began his journey back to Rarity’s house.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
“My oh my! You’re my wittle butterfly!” Sang Rarity, swaying around in Spike’s arms, laughing as she took another swig from her bottle of strawberry margarita mix. “Something… something, something, something little samurai!”
“Will you please stop singing?” Spike asked politely.
“Will you be my samurai Spike?” The mare happily snickered. “Why don’t you show me your sword, oh mighty samurai.”
“I don’ have a- oh… oh! No, I’d rather not,” blushed Spike. “At least not here in the middle of the street.”
“Aww…” moaned Rarity, crawling up the dragon’s chest. “But whatever shall I do to defeat this lust burning inside of me?”
“Umm… water?” Gulped the drake.
Rarity giggled a bit, followed by a hiccup. “Nope, I think I need a little dragon.”
“Okay, I think we really need to get you home-“
Spike couldn’t finish his sentence as Rarity pressed her lips against his, the flavors of her mouth bombarding his senses with the taste of sugary berries and alcohol. He had never thought his first kiss with the mare of his dreams would be like this, but damn it he’d take it. He slowly wiggled his tongue past Rarity’s willing lips, getting a sweeter taste of the mare, savouring every precious second that the kiss would last and prayed that it would never end.
“Holy crap…” purred Spike, still a little light-headed from his first kiss. “Did that just really happen?”
“Mmm hmm,” grinned Rarity, nuzzling him around the neck. “And there’s more where that came from once we get back home.”
Spike’s face quickly flushed red, he swore his nose was going to burst bleeding any second now as they continued down the road in the midst of the cool night air. His thoughts were scattered as he tried to figure out what he would do. Was he helping her because he expected something in return? He never really accepted payment for helping a friend, well, except for the odd gemstone, but that was never a big deal. This was way different. This was the mare of his dreams basically offering herself to him. Granted she was drunk beyond all comprehension, but could he really pass up such a golden opportunity?
And would he be able to live with himself? To do something so vulgar and dishonest could destroy any sort of chance he would ever have with Rarity. Was it worth a one-time fling of hot sweaty lust with a somewhat willing partner? No… everything about that seemed like a bad idea. But the idea in his head kept prying at him. A little voice that called ‘It’s okay, do it, you won’t get in trouble,’’ and things like that.
“What am I going to do with you?” The dragon whispered to himself.
“What aren’t you going to do to me?” Laughed Rarity as she took another drink of her margarita.
“You’re not helping,” said Spike.
“I’m sorry…” pouted Rarity, “I just want to have some fun with my big. Sexy. Dragon.”
She let her tongue hang out, dragging it up and down Spike’s neck and face. If the temptation wasn’t there before, it sure as hell was now.
“Could… could you maybe stop doing that?” He asked.
“I’m sorry? Do you not like it?”
“No… I mean, well… I don’t know?”
“You don’t like it!” Whined the pony. “Which means you don’t like me and you never like me! And that means you don’t want to have sex with me!”
“What?! NO! Nonononononnono!” Spike said, laughing nervously as he tried to calm the flailing and crying mare in his arms. “I do want to have sex with you!”
“You think I’m a whooooore!”
“No! Not at all! I think the opposite!”
“You think I’m a prude?” Whined Rarity. “Why are you being so mean to me?”
“No-I mean-Gah fuck, why the hell is this so difficult?” Spike asked himself.
“Put me down.”
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Questioned the drake.
“Put me down this instant!” Yelled Rarity.
“Okay!” Retorted Spike, gently placing the mare on the street corner. “There, anything else?”
“I need to be alone,” she said. “Go away!”
“Alright,” sighed Spike, “I’ll stay close, don’t go run off…” He started to walk away, making sure he kept Rarity in his sight. “What a night…” he muttered, walking up to a tree. He had the strangest urge to just slam his head repeatedly and it took all of his will power not to do so.
“Spike…” Rarity called. “I’m sorry! Don’t leave me!”
“I… didn’t, I didn’t even go anywhere.”
“Please come back!” She cried. “I’m sorry I was mean!”
“Okay, okay!” The dragon shouted. “Keep your hooves on. I didn’t even go that far.”
Spike quickly shuffled back to the pony. Rarity was rolling around the ground like a submissive pussycat, her legs kicking and stretching into the air aimlessly as she kept drinking from her bottle. She was probably more drunk than she was before.
“Are you okay?” Asked Spike.
“I am now,” she smiled, rolling onto her stomach. “Now that my knight is here, I’m better than okay.”
“Okay, great,” sighed the drake. “Can we get going again? I’d like to get back to your place before the sun decides to come up.”
“Carry me?”
“Sure…” he mumbled, as he reached out a hand for Rarity to grab onto. “I’ve done it all night.”
“Thank you, Spike,” Rarity said. “You have no idea how nice you are… you don’t deserve half the crap you get…”
“It’s not that big of a-“
“No!” she shouted, waving a little as she got back to her hooves. “You are the nicest and sweetest and most caring and nicest and sexy and nicest dragon I know. And how do we all treat you? We never invite you on adventures, you’re always working for Twilight; you don’t even get paid!”
“I’m happy to do the work,” Spike said. “It’s not really that-“
“Spike, shut up,” the mare growled in her drunken haze. “You saved the Crystal Empire for Luna’s sake! And you don’t even get invited to see the Equestria Games! That bitch of a princess Cadance… I’m glad I screwed up her mane that day!”
“Rarity, please, I don’t care about any of that stuff.”
“But why not?” she whined.
“It just wasn’t anything that ever bothered me,” he said. “Because I know that if you really needed me, you would have brought me along. That and I think it would be incredibly irresponsible to bring me, I was barely five years old when you did most of your crap.”
“You’re too nice…” cooed Rarity. “Well, let tonight be your payment to make up for everything that’s ever happen to you.” She smiled, leaning in for another kiss.
Spike shrugged, figuring why the hell not and leaned in as well.
“Oh Spike…”
“Rarity… I… think you’re turning green.”
The looked at him quizzically. “Spike, what on earth are you—“
Suddenly it hit her. Her cheeks puffed up as she tried her best to keep her mouth shut, but it was no use. Whatever she had down was coming up.
“Dear goddess,” gasped Spike.
BELCH!
“Oh goddess it’s everywhere!” He cried as the love of his life wiped some barf off her cheek. "How drunk are you?!"
"I love you..." she whimpered.
Author's Note
Sorry this took forever to update... I was drunk?
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
Spike held Rarity’s mane back as she finished coughing up the last little bits of vomit. Rarity had somehow managed to throw up three times in the past fifteen seconds. The first one had barely missed his face, but managed to splash all over his shoulder and chest. The second blast happened when he had placed her down and she upchucked all over his feet. After that, she just had to get the rest out of her system and onto the street corner.
“Ah…” moaned Rarity. “My chest hurts… and my mouth tastes like vomit.”
“Gee, I wonder why?” He muttered under his breath. “Are you feeling any better?”
“I… a little,” she admitted, crawling a little on the ground. The drunken mare seemed to stagger a bit as she wobbled around on her knees and hooves. She looked like she was looking for something. “Where is it?”
“Where’s what?”
“My drink, I’m thirsty,” she said, starting to look a little nervous. “Spike, where is it?”
“Umm… I don’t know,” the drake mumbled. “Maybe it disappeared?”
He in fact knew exactly where it had gone. When Rarity was puking for the first time, she had accidently dropped her bottle on the pavement and had shattered on impact. As she was throwing up on the street corner, the dragon managed to sweep the broken bits of glass into an open sewer grate. His tail now smelt like strawberries but it was a welcome scent to the rest of his vomited covered body. But now Rarity was going a little loopy over the sudden disappearance of her margarita mix.
“Spike, where is it? Where is it, Spike? Spike! Bucking answer me!”
“I don’t know where it is!” The dragon yelled back. “And to be honest I don’t think you need anything more to drink tonight! Except maybe some water…”
“Spike,” the mare snarled, staggering back onto her hooves and stared death into the eyes of the drake. “Where. The. Buck. Is. The. Bucking. Bottle?
“Holy shit…”
“Spike…” she growled, her eyes intensifying with fiery rage. If looks could kill, Spike’s head would have exploded by now. “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DRINK!?” She shot out a purple bolt of magic towards the dragon, who narrowly managed to dodge it and roll out of the way.
“Rarity, calm down!” Spike begged. “It’s just was just a bottle of margarita mix! I’ll get you another one!”
“Okay!” beamed the mare, reverting back to her normal, less psycho serial killer self. “To the all night liquor store!”
“Yeah… lets,” the drake said, stunned by the sudden change in mood of Rarity. “What is it with you and mood swings?”
“What’s what about what?” Wondered the mare, turning around to look at Spike. Unfortunately, she was still rather intoxicated and her footing wasn’t great. She managed to tangle her front hooves together and tripped…
Right into a puddle of her own vomit.
“A… agh…. Ma…” stammered the petrified mare, looking down into what she had just fallen into. “S… I… Re… AHHHHHHH!” She shrieked, collapsing again into the puke puddle. “I’m covered in my own waste! I’m covered in my own waste and it smells like carrots and strawberries!”
“Oh for shit’s sake…” groaned Spike, picking up the mare. “There, there,” he said, patting her on the back. “Will get you cleaned up soon enough.”
“I’m a dirty, dirty girl,” she moped.
“It’s alright,” he said, starting to walk once again with the mare cradled in his arms. “Let’s just get you home.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“Excuse me?” Asked Spike. “Why would I be mad at you?”
“Because I’m drunk… and you always seem to be cleaning up after me…”
“Yeah, well,” the drake started to say, pausing a moment to figure out what he wanted to say. “Let’s just say that years of working with Twilight as conditioned me to deal with the strange and the weird. As well as the messy. Hell, this isn’t even the worse I’ve had to deal with.”
“Like what?” Wondered Rarity. “How could you possibly have had an experience… well like this?”
“Well, have I ever told you about last year’s New Luna’s Moon party?”
“You mean when you went with Twilight to her parent’s house? Yeah I remember… you told me about it, didn’t you?”
“That’s sort of what I’m asking…” droned Spike. “But anyways, it was a normal affair at first. Lots of her parent’s friends and relatives came over to celebrate and they had a huge buffet with every kind of food and drink imaginable. It was a pretty nice evening, if a little boring and a tad irritating. Twi’s parents kept asking me if I’ve had a marefriend or not and tried to set me up with their colleges kids who were all ‘just perfect for you’ as Twilight’s mother liked to say.”
“Oh my goddess!” gasped Rarity. “And you had sex with them!?”
“What? No! I never—“
“At the same time?!”
“Who—where are you hearing this? Is there someone else talking to you?” frowned Spike. “I never slept with them, I just did the gentlemen thing and entertained them.”
“With your penis?”
Ye—NO!” Yelled the dragon. “Could you please stop interrupting me? You wouldn’t like it if I did that to you.”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Thank you,” he grumbled. “Anyways, after a few shots of tequila Twilight’s mom was too busy dancing on the table to harass me. I decided to go and hit the hay early since the noise was giving me a headache and there wasn’t really anypony there I knew well. But when I got to the guest bedroom I found the door was locked. I knocked a few times but there was no answer. That’s when I heard the breaking of glass behind the door. I thought somepony was hurt so I broke through the door. That’s where I found Twilight plowing this older mare; a friend of her mother’s I think. The sudden intrusion scared Twilight so much that she freaked out and fell out the window.”
“That’s terrible!” gasped Rarity. “Was she hurt?”
“Kind of…” said Spike. “She was lucky and rose bush broke her fall. I started freaking out and jumped out the window after her, gliding down next to her. She was unconscious and I feared the worst. So I did the only thing I could think of and carried her to the nearest hospitable and spent the whole night worrying that she was dead.”
“Well… was she?”
“…No. She wasn’t,” deadpanned the drake. “She had a broken hoof, a small concussion, and a jelly bean jammed up her nose.”
“Well that’s good.”
“Yeah, but I spent the whole night thinking that she was dead, and it was the most stressful night of my life. Compared to that, this is a cake walk. A little more smelly, but a cake walk.”
“That’s good to hear,” yawned Rarity. “I’m hungry. Do you have any pancakes?”
“No…”
“Let’s go get some pancakes!” Rarity cheered. “I’m sooooooo hungry I could eat you if you were made of pancakes!”
“Well, then it’s a good thing I’m—OW!”
The drake jumped a little as Rarity took a little nibble on Spike’s neck. It barely broke through the scales but it still stung a little.
“Mmm, you like it when I bite you, Spike,” giggled Rarity, dragging her tongue up the dragon's neck. “I could just eat. You. Up.”
“Thank you?”
“You’re sweet Spike… just like candy. Now give mama some sugar.”
She pressed her lips up against his, sucking tenderly on his fork-pronged tongue. And while this would normally have been a wonderful experience for Spike… but the taste of vomit was kind of hard to ignore.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
The return of Tom and the Drunken Rarity
Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! Thought Spike as Rarity’s tongue swirled around his mouth. This is so gross! Why does it still taste like rotten strawberries? I need to get her off of me… huh, never thought I'd say that.
“Umm, Rarity,” the dragon started to say, doing his best to pry himself from the clingy unicorn. “Maybe we should start heading home again.”
“Shut up,” she moaned, forcing Spike’s face back into hers. “You’re ruining the moment.”
I think that ship sailed long ago…
“All I’m saying is that we should wait a bit before things get a bit too… intimate.”
“Oh…” the mare grinned, bopping the dragon on the nose. “Naughty, naughty little drake. I love it!”
“Yeah that’s me… naughty,” Spike laughed nervously. “Could you let go of me now?”
Rarity let go of the dragon, stumbling down to the ground as she lost her balanced. “Oof!” she groaned, falling down on her rump. “Spikey, a little help?”
“Yeah sure,” he said, reaching out a claw to help Rarity. “Still a little shaky in the legs?”
“Oh, hush you…” the mare said, wobbling back to her hooves. “I think I’m losing my buzz.”
“That’s a good thing, you might start thinking straight now,” said Spike. “Which would be a welcome change of pace.”
“Oooooh,” she murmured. “My head hurts!”
“Oh dear.”
“Spike! Make the pain in my head go away!” Rarity cried. “I don’t want the pain in my head! Why do I have pain in my head!? Make it stop! For bucks sake, make it stop!”
“What do you want me to do?!”
“Make it go away!” She demanded. “Use your dragon magic to make the pain go away!”
“Dragon magic? What the hell is that?”
“I don’t know!” Sneered the unicorn, collapsing to the ground again in a fit of pain. “I’m not a dragon!”
“There’s no such thing as dragon magic as far as I know!”
“Stop yelling at me!” Cried the mare, kicking Spike in the shins.
“OW!”
“I said stop yelling at me!” Rarity roared. “Yelling makes the head hurt.”
“Gee, no shit!” snapped Spike, quickly realizing what he had just said to Rarity. “Oh goddess, I’m sorry.”
The mare’s eyes widened as they started to water. Her lips began to tremble as she broke into tears.
“Why are you so mean to me?” She bellowed. “I’m sorry if I was mean but you don’t have to be so cruel!”
“Oh lord—are you kidding me?” Grumbled Spike. “You know Rarity, I’m getting pretty sick of all your shit. I know of hundreds of ponies that would have dumped your ass on the curb long ago.”
“What?”
“I’ve had enough!” The dragon barked. “So far, I’ve been on a bad trip, vomited on, almost attacked by you and I’ve almost had it with everything!”
“Spike… I,” Rarity tried to say.
“Don’t bother!” Barked Spike, rolling his eyes as he picked up Rarity. “We’re going home and you’re going to make good to your promise.”
“Okay!” Smiled Rarity. “Can we go get waffles first?”
“We’re not getting waffles.”
“Why not?”
“Because I fucking said so!”
“Where did this all come from?” Rarity asked. “What happened to my Spikey Wikey?”
“He’s pissed at the moment,” deadpanned Spike. “So please stay quiet until we get to your place. We’re getting close.”
“Okay… hey can we get waffles?”
“What did I just say?”
“But I’m hungry!” Rarity whined. “I have a hankering that only waffles can satisfy. And if I get satisfied… then I can satisfy others. If you know what I mean, darling.”
“I… I guess I’m getting a little hungry,” admitted Spike. He started to look around the area for a place that was still open, which wasn’t much considering the holiday. But there had to be a place that was still opened this late, it couldn’t have been any later than eleven. “Rarity I don’t think that there’s anyplace open at the moment.”
“What? No…” she sobbed. “I don’t want them to be closed…”
“There’s really not much I can do about that,” Spike said. “We should just head back to your house and get something to eat there.”
“But it won’t be the same!” She moaned. “It’s never as good homemade.”
“Well I could argue diff—“
“Holy mother of Celestia!” Gasped Rarity, wiggling out of Spike’s hands and staggering onto her feet. “Is that who I think it is?”
“Who’s who that you think is?” Spike asked.
“Look!”
Rarity pointed down the road to what looked like a homeless pony sleeping on a bus stop bench.
“… I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be looking for at the moment,” the dragon admitted, still looking around for what the drunken unicorn could be talking about. “All I see are a bunch of street lights, and a few garbage cans.”
“Behind the garbage cans!” She yelled, “Here, let me down I’ll show you.”
“Oh no. I ain’t letting you down just for you to go running around like a crazy pony and get lost in the bad part of town.”
“Spike, this is Ponyville,” deadpanned the mare. “There is no bad part of town. The bad part of town is that street corner with the light that needs to be fixed and nothing else.”
“Well… still,” he said. “I’m not going to let you go and get lost.”
“You can’t stop me!”
Rarity, wiggled and squirmed in the dragon’s grasp, trying to get out. She flailed like a caught fished or a wet cat to try and escape but Spike’s grip on her was too much for her to over power. So she had to take more drastic measures. The mare wormed one of her hooves out and delivered an earth shattering kick to Spike’s urinal area.
“Goddess Damn it!” cried Spike, dropping the pony as he fell to the ground, clenching the throbbing pain in between this thighs. “Why the hell did you do that, Rarity? Rarity? Rarity, are you even listening to me?”
“Tom!” she cried, hugging her dear long friend. “I can’t believe that it’s really you. It’s been years since we last saw each other.” Rarity turned around to look at Spike. “Isn’t this wonderful, darling? Tom is back!”
“Tom…? That giant boulder you fell in love with?” Spike mumbled, his voice a few octaves higher from the groin kick. “Where is he… or it?”
“Don’t be silly, Spike,” laughed the pony. “He’s right here.”
“Umm… well, Rarity…” Spike tried to say, skipping over his words. “That’s not Tom…”
“What are you talking about? Of course it’s Tom.”
“No Rarity, it’s not. It’s a hobo.”
“What the…” yawned the dirty bum, his eyes slowly opening, realizing that there was strange drunk pony embracing him and disturbing his sleep. “What are you doing pony?”
“Tom! You can talk!” gasped Rarity. “This is wonderful!”
“Let go of me!” Moaned the hobo, trying to break free. “Get off of me you crazy bitch.”
“Tom! Such language!”
“It not Tom!” Shouted Spike, rushing to the two ponies. He grabbed each of them by the neck and pulled them both apart. “I’m so sorry about that, sir. My friend here has had a lot to drink tonight.”
“I don’t care if she guzzled down an entire river of vodka! Keep her the fuck away from me!” The homeless pony grumbled, walking away from the two. “Stupid crazies… ruining my nap and stealing my spot… they’re worse than those goddess damned government Timberwolves."
“Sorry again!” Spike called out, watching as the hobo disappeared into the night. He turned to Rarity. “So now you’re seeing things now?” That’s just wonderful.”
“Where’s Tom going, Spike?” Rarity asked. “I thought we were going to go swimming in rainbows down by the jellybean meadows.”
“That makes no sense…”
“Do you want to get waffles?”
The dragon sighed. “Yeah… sure. Let’s go get waffles. I’m done arguing with you.”
“YES!” Cheered the unicorn gleefully. “We’re going to get waffles!”
Author's Note
Next time on Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail...
Spike and Rarity get pancakes and it's just not the same.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
“We’re going to get waffles! We’re going to get waffles!” Sang the white mare, swaying around ecstatically in the dragon’s arms. “I love you…”
“For getting you waffles?” Spike asked.
“Sure, let’s got with that,” she cooed, playfully nibbling on his shoulder. “I hope it tastes half as good as you. You’re so sweet I could just eat you up!”
“Just be careful with the scales, if you bite down on them too hard you might cut the inside of your mouth.”
Rarity grinned. “But then you’ll just have to kiss it better.” She started to drag her tongue on and around the dragon’s neck, sending a strange shiver down his spine. “You’re like a grape flavoured lollipop.”
“That’s wonderful,” he groaned. “But could you please stop licking me? I don’t want to get anymore sticky than I already am.”
“Okay…” she moped, groaning a little as she curled up into his arms, finally showing the first signs of exhaustion.
Spike couldn’t help but feel a little relieved as the mare finally began to purr soft snores, a lullaby or sorts that helped make things seem a little more bearable. Despite her being a drunken mess at the moment, he knew that this wasn’t the real her and that once he got her sobered up a little more, she would become that sweet, intelligent unicorn that he fell in love with all those years ago.
“Thank you.”
There was a pause, and Rarity started to giggle under her breath. It looked like she was about to burst out in a fit. Part of him wanted to know exactly what she found so hilarious, but another part of him knew that it was probably something stupid, as most things had been this night. Spike really hoped that they would get to her home soon, this night had seemed eerie long.
“We’re going to get waffles…” the white mare chortled under her breath, singing the words in secret as if they were taboo. “We’re going to get waffles… then we’ll all get laid!” She screamed that last part out rather loud, the word ‘laid’ echoing through the night air. “Oops.”
The dragon gave a long drawl of his breath. “I don’t know how much more I can take of this,” he muttered, turning the street corner. “Oh my—Finally!”
The neon signs of a small diner illuminated the corner, the name ‘Rosie All Nighter’ flickered on a large sign in cursive high above the eatery. The sign in the restaurant’s window said it was open twenty-four hours and the lights were still on, so it was a good of place as any to take a break on their little journey.
“Oh look Spike!” Yelled the unicorn into the dragon’s ear. “They’re a restaurant over there! That means they may have a restaurant in that waffle! I mean a restaurant in that restaurant! I mean… waffles!”
Spike rolled his eyes. “They better have some coffee in there. You need to get sobered up.”
“You need to get sobered up.”
“I’m sure I do,” he said sarcastically. “But for now we need to get some coffee and some food in you. Maybe it’ll soak up the alcohol or something.”
“Okay!”
It took a little bit of shimmying to fit both of them through the door of the diner. Spike winced at the bright light of the diner. After being in the dark for so long it was almost painful to be in such a well-lit building. It was fairly quiet inside, with only a couple of sleepy looking stallions and mares loafing around in the booths and tables. Cut out moons and stars were glue and hung from the walls in celebration of New Luna’s Eve, but it hardly seemed cheery. The one waitress on attendant looked like she was about to fall asleep and was pouring herself a cup of coffee.
“Thank Luna there’s coffee,” sighed Spike. He Gently placed the drunken mare in one of the free booths, which proved difficult as Rarity refused to let go of him.
“Keep holding me…”
“I need to get us some coffee.”
“And waffles, don’t forget waffles,” reminded Rarity. “I need waffles or I’ll burn everything to the ground… and murder a puppy…” She started to drift off again. For the best, considering that her grip loosened and she slipped onto the soft bench.
“Stay put please,” begged Spike walking to the counter of the restaurant. “Excuse me, Miss!” He called, waving down the sleepy waiter. “Could I get two cups of coffee please?”
She moaned a little as she turned to grab two white coffee mugs with her magic and brought them over to him. “That’ll be four bits,” she yawned, pouring the steamy dark liquid into each of the cups. “And no tabs tonight, I want to see the money now.”
“Sure thing,” Spike said, reaching into his scales and pulled out four golden bits to pay for the coffee. “Here you go, and thank you.”
The waitress just mumbled something to herself. Normally Spike wouldn’t tolerate such rude service but it had been a long night for more ponies than himself, and the last thing he would want to hear at this point was some random guy’s bitching. So he just shoved it off and headed back to the booth where Rarity was lying face first on the table.
She looked up, her eyes watery and her cheeks rosy red. “Hey… Spikey…”
“Drink this,” the dragon said, sliding a cup of coffee to her side. “Do you want any milk or sugar?”
“Depends,” she grinned. “Is it your milk... and are you going to give me some sugar, sugar?”
“What does that even mean?”
“What doesn’t it mean?!” She laughed, taking the coffee mug from him and taking a few sugar packs in her teeth.
“Just drink the coffee please so we can get going.” Spike took a sip of his own cup. “I want to get out of here as soon as possible.”
“Are you kidding me? This place is great!” Rarity waved her arms around, pointing her hooves at the walls and ceiling of the establishment. “This place is great. Look they even have coffee! Hey ask and see if they have waffles!”
The dragon’s face slammed on the table. “Rarity, please… I’m begging you, please just drink your coffee so we can get out of here.”
“Not until I get pancakes!”
“Fine,” he muttered. “Hey, I thought you wanted waffles?”
“That’s what I said, waffles!”
“I—you know what? Never mind,” Spike said, getting up again from the table and back to the counter. “Excuse me again, but could I trouble you for an order of waffles?”
“Blueberry waffles!”
“Blueberry waffles if you have any.”
The waitress rolled her eyes, placing the cloth she was using to dry the dishes into the sink beside her. “The kitchen’s closed.”
“Why?! It’s a restaurant! The kitchen is your business!”
“Kitchen closed as ten, scaly,” the waitress groaned. “No heated food until we open up at six.”
“Couldn’t you make an exception?”
“No exceptions.”
“That’s totally stupid!”
“Too bad,” she said, picking her cloth back up. “Don’t like it? Deal with it.”
“You can’t talk to me like that! I’m a paying customer!”
“Look buddy, I’ve been working for twelve hours and I’m going to be working for another two hours tonight.” She lunged over the table and grabbed the dragon around the neck, pulling him in. Her eyes were bloodshot from the caffeine and exhaustion. “I have three mortgages to pay off and five whiny brats to get up in the morning and the last thing I need is some fucking punk bitching to me about fucking waffles!”
“Holy shit…”
“So no, I’m not going to get you waffles because I can’t get you waffles,” she said. “Now finish up your coffees and the two of you get out of here.” The waitress let go of Spike and with a huff resumed her mundane duties of keeping the kitchen.
“Fine…” Spike muttered. “Rarity come on let’s get… Rarity?” Spike looked around but found no pony where he had left Rarity, just a couple of torn up sugar pacts and two split coffees. “Rarity where are you?”
“LET’S GO STREAKING!”
Spike ran up to the window and saw his greatest fantasy and worst fear come to life, Rarity dashing down the street while ripping off all her clothes.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
Only one thought raced through Spike’s mind as he went after the mare, ‘This is bad this is bad this is bad! I can’t believe that this is what the night has come down to! I just hope that no pony sees her like this! She’d never forgive me if I let anypony see her so indecent and naked.’
“Woo hoo! I am alive!” Rarity laughed, staggering around the dark streets. “Hey, I wonder if we can go and get some waffles.”
Again with the waffles, boy was she going to be disappointed when she realizes that there are no pancakes to be had that night. That was a fun conversation they’d be having when he caught up to her, or rather if he did, she was being surprisingly agile at the moment, which was strange considering that for the majority of the night she had had to of been carried.
There were a lot of strange things happening that night, and too be honest the dragon was no longer caring about what would happen next. He just wanted this night to be over without any more shenanigans occurring.
“Rarity, c’mon, we need to get home now! I’m tired, you’re drunk, I just want to curl up in a nice soft bed and go to sleep. Is that too much to ask?”
“I am a queen and the streets are my sundae sandwich!” The drunk mare squealed happily as she finally collapsed onto the ground, becoming once again reduced to a sniffling pile of whiny tears. “Ouch… Spike I feel down… kill the ground for me please.”
Spike rolled his eyes as he hastily ran to the fallen mare. “I’m coming, and I have your dress as well. Now please put this on quickly before somepony sees your naked.”
“Silly Spikey!” Rarity laughed, rolling around in the dirt. “I’m a pony, I’m almost always naked!”
“Yeah well I… knew that already,” he said, mentally face-slapping himself for being so stupid. Ponies never wore clothes so the concept of streaking was ridiculous and impossible, it just went to show how tired he was getting and how desperately he wanted this night to be done with. He picked up the squirming Rarity and hoisted her over his shoulder. “Now that that’s over, can we stop with all the crap and just go home already?”
“Fine… hey can we get pancakes?”
“No.”
“Now why not?”
“Because the last time we went to get breakfast in the middle of the night I almost got killed by a middle aged waitress,” the dragon mumbled. “But you weren’t there to see that. No, you were running around town taking your clothes off.”
“Sounds like something I wouldn’t not do,” the mare slurred, giving a loud yawn. “I’m sleepy… are we home yet? I want to be home now.”
“Preaching to the choir, babe,” Spike muttered under his breath as they headed down the street, he was starting to recognize some of the streets signs and knew that the Carousal Boutique was coming up soon. “Hey aren’t we on Mane Avenue?”
“I don’t know… maybe.”
“Yeah, I think that’s Lyra’s house over there. We’re just a few blocks from home! This nightmare is almost over!” Spike cheered, quickening his pace. He knew that if he could just get into view of Rarity’s house that there would be no more problem and they could at last end this.
Or at least that what he thought before he heard a strange bickering coming from one of the alleyways. It sounded like a mare and stallion and their voices sounded familiar. Almost too familiar, the dragon knew that he would regret it, but he headed towards the sounds and deep into the
“Cadence honey, please get out of the garbage…” Shining Armour said, looking rather strained and displeased that his wife was currently swimming in garbage. “You’re going to get filthy!”
“But I’m a mermaid swimming in the vast water of Great Crystal Lake! Come and swim with me, my little triton!” The princess of love cooed, doing the backstroke into a pile of rotten tomatoes. It was immediately clear that Princess Cadence was drunk, and under some sort of delusion that this trash bin was a lake. “Hey look! Hello fellow seaponies! Come to have magical under the sea adventures with me? Let’s go singing with Peter the beluga whale!”
Shining Armour shook his head with disappointment as he saw Spike and Rarity coming down the alleyway. “Oh dear lord… hey guys, happy New Luna’s Eve. What a night, right?”
“Hey Shining…” Spike said cautiously. “Umm, what are you guys doing here? I thought you were at a party at the Sparkles?”
“Yeah we were… and then I found out that my lovely and always charming wife…“
“These nachos smell like pickles!”
“… found out that my wife cannot drink more than three shots of tequila before getting so drunk that she vomits on my mother, breaks my great-great grandfather’s urn, sets an orphanage on fire, and conjures up the four thousand year old dead spirit of a eight headed monkey god. And to top it all off, I’ve been chasing her all the way down that mountain. Tonight has been hell.”
“Holy shit… and I thought my night was rough.”
“Why, what’s been happening to you?” Shining asked. “Is Rarity drunk?”
“Yeah… she’s probably ingested enough margarita mix to kill a small elephant. I’ve been trying for the past few hours to get her home but we keep running into trouble, nothing like what you’ve had to deal with but still it’s been quite the ride…”
Cadence head poked up from the trash as she looked at the dragon. “Oh my… hey Spike,” she said lovingly, crawling out of the trash. “What brings you to the seven seas of lust and judiciousness?”
“Lust and what?”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rarity roared, slipping off of the dragon’s shoulder and stumbling towards the pink princess. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing to my Spikey wikey?”
“Oh fuck off, Rarity,” frowned the princess, blowing smoke at the white unicorn. “You know you don’t stand a chance with him. Why would the sexiest dragon alive settle for a fat marshmallow like you?”
“… The fuck you’d just say, bitch?”
“You heard me,” Cadence sneered. “Fat. Fucking. Marshmallow!”
Rarity screamed as she lunged onto the princess, pummeling her to the ground with a flurry of drunken hooves. Cadence gave a shrilled yell as she tried to protect herself from the assault. “I’LL KILL YOU!” She shrieked.
“You can’t kill me, I’m the immortal sea goddess of Titania!” The drunk princess barked back at Rarity. When Rarity went to perform a devastating blow however, Cadence swiped at her cheek and knocked her off. She got up with fire blazing in her eyes and steam on her breath. the princess had a bloodlust, a bloodlust that could only be cleansed with the demise of Rarity. Her horn began glowing strong with magic as the air itself began tearing apart, ripping into a netherworld of dark, twisting red worlds. “I call upon you, Izebi, demon carrot of the ninth dimension and eater of the innocence! I summon you to devour my foes and in return I shall invoke your dark favour to the peons of this world and I—“
BANG!
During Princess Cadence’s speech, Shining Armour had found a shovel and clocked her in the head with it, knocking her out cold.
“What the hell, Shining?!” Spike gasped.
“I’m sorry everypony, but I just can’t deal with another elder god right now. That monkey thing with eight heads also had twelve anuses and I don’t want to know how many anuses a giant carrot called Izebi has.”
“Okay…”
“So I think I’m just going to check into a hotel and call it a night. I’m going to get all kinds of hell for this but damn it I’m tired.” He picked up his wife and threw her over his shoulder and onto his back. “Goodnight,” was the last word he said before disappearing out of the alley and into the town, hopefully to get to a hotel before Cadence woke up.
“Did… did I win?” Rarity asked. “I won! Whoo hoo! In your face, you whore! This dragon is mine!”
“Let’s just go home, Rarity,” sighed Spike, gently leading Rarity out of the alley. It was a few quiet blocks before the dragon saw a sight for sore eyes.
The Boutique… home.
Author's Note
Starting to wrap this story up... That monkey god threw feces everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
The Boutique was a sight for sore eyes, the cake looking building and it’s frilly trimming was the sanctuary that the dragon was so desperately seeking for, and now it was right in front of him, so close. He practically ran to the door.
“Thank the lord Celestia we’re finally home!”
“Oh yes~” Rarity cooed. “We’re finally home… now we can get to the fun part. You’ve been such a sweet little dragon, soon you’ll be able to add me to your hoard.”
He rolled his eyes, trying to open the door. But it was locked. “Rarity, where’s your house key?”
“It’s on my pussy.. oops! Did I say pussy, I meant to say body… but it could be in that other place if you want, big boy. In fact, you better give my whole body a cavity search if you want to get into my sacred palace… and also my house. Oh! I simply love a good sexy double entendre! They’re so… sexy!”
“No kidding,” Spike groaned, picking up Rarity and giving her a few shakes. He didn’t hear any shaking or anything like that. “Are there really any keys on you Rarity, or did you forget them at the party?”
“I don’t know…” She giggled, swinging in his arms. “Maybe they’re up my butt. Want to check?”
“Maybe later… wait a second, don’t you have a second set of keys?”
“Maybe… is it up my butt?”
He dropped the mare and started searching for the fake rock that hid the spare keys to her house. They had to be somewhere right? He was not going to be withheld his freedom because he couldn’t find some plastic rock with a key in it. “Ah! This is taking too long! Rarity can you please just tell me where your key is?”
“I told you, Spikey poo…” she grinned. “It’s up my butt.”
There was silence, as Spike gave her a strange look before shouted out “WHY!?”
“Because I don’t have pockets, silly, and where am I supposed to put them? Not up my butt?” She giggled. “I’m just kidding of course darling, but please, take the hit I’m trying to give you. put your thing up my butt.” She fell to the ground, rolling around on the welcome mat and wrapping around her like a blanket, laughing as if she had said the funniest thing in the world. Hiding underneath the mat however was the…
“The key!” Spike cheered, picking up the key and the mare before unlocking the door and entering the house. He was finally home, or at least Rarity was. “Alright, let’s get you to bed.”
“Only if you come with me…” she slurred, wiggling out of his hands and fumbling to the stairs. She tried to walk up them but collapsed on the first step. “Ow… what the hell, where did these things come from? It’s like some sort of… wall of magical and insurmountable magnitude… Spike! I need help!” She whined.
“Yeah, yeah…” Spike yawned, scooping her up again and carrying her up the stairs. By now he was used to it; it hardly even phased him that she found it hard to climb the flight of steps. In fact, if he was surprised about anything it was that he didn’t see this coming. Regardless, he climbed the stairs and entered Rarity’s room. Placing the drunken mare down on the bed, she made it very difficult to get herself under the covers; she insisted that she made it as difficult as possible for him.
“Tah-ha! That tickles!” The white mare giggled, twisting around lustfully in her bed sheets. “Oh goddess these bed sheets are so soft… Spikey you have to try it! It’s orgasmic.”
“Maybe later… now please go to sleep.”
“You mean we go to sleep,” she said, batting her eyelashes. “I don’t want ponies to think of me as a liar. I owe you some sexy beddy-bye time. Now come to mama.” She leaned up to kiss the dragon, puckering her lips.
Thoughts of taking advantage of this moment walked into Spike’s mind. It wouldn’t be the first kiss of the night, and lord knows that he wanted to kiss it. Plus she did promise him one, and would a kiss really be that bad? After all he’s been through, he thought that he deserved at least that, just one kiss at midnight to bring luck to the new moon cycle, or whatever it was that they celebrated in this holiday of over drinking and alcoholism.
“Ah, screw it,” sighed Spike, he deserved it. He leaned towards her, closing his eyes ever so slightly, expecting to meet the plump ripe lips of Rarity. However, he was instead greeted with the cold air of denial. Confused, the dragon opened his eyes to see that Rarity had passed out, finally falling to sleep. He groaned. “Yeah… that’s how this would end, wouldn’t it?” He veiled the blanket over the mare and turned her to her side. After making sure she was comfortable, he kept the door open a little and made his way down stairs.
He collapsed on the couch; he didn’t realize how tired he was until he slowed down. Sleep overtook him almost instantly.
*****
The light of day was both a welcome and an omen to the groaning drake, whose eyes cringed at the first shine of the sun rays that had leaked through the windows. When he rolled around and off the couch, he crawled up to his feet. He headed to the kitchen to see what the food situation was like and what time was it. It was getting close to noon, he hoped to the heavens that Rarity would sleep in, but just in case, he wanted to do something special for her.
Opening the fridge, he grabbed some milk and butter and got some waffle batter. He figured that she should finally get some waffles after all this time, and a nagging voice at the back of his head reminded him of all the trouble that could have been avoided if Rarity had just gotten some waffles.
Her waffle maker was fast acting, and soon a delectable breakfast was prepared. Spike placed one of the silver covers over it to preserve the heat while Rarity slept and sat it on the table. He also left a little note saying that it was her breakfast and he had left, as well as wishing her hangover wasn’t too severe, and to take a shower and brush her teeth eventually to get rid of the taste and smell of vomit.
With everything accounted for, there was nothing really for the dragon to do but to go home. He left the house key on the nearby table and left. Shielding his eyes from the sun, he walked down the quiet road. Everywhere there seemed to be sickly and hung-over ponies making their walks of shame, carrying what little clothing they didn’t have on and their eyes glued to the ground. It was sad to say that Spike was perhaps one of these poor souls, although his situation was far more tragic as he didn’t even get any. But in his heart he knew it was the right thing to do… the stupid mother fucking right thing to do…
He did notice one pony that was walking cheerfully and unhindered, and it was none other than Princess Cadence, who looked like she had gotten a good eight hours of sleep and hadn’t been drunk under the bus by a hamster.
“Come along Shiny,” she pepped, skipping along as her husband dragged behind her. “We got to get back to Canterlot, check to make sure I don’t have a concussion, and rid me of this smell of monkey feces.”
“Yes honey…” Shining Armour yawned, shifting ever farther behind his wife. “Just as long as I can get some sleep on the train ride back…”
“Yeah… sorry about the night terrors and screaming,” she blushed. “And also trying to light you on fire. I can get a little crazy when I’m drunk. But I don’t get hangovers, isn’t that great?”
“Fantastic…”
“It is, isn’t it?” Cadence smiled, stopping for a moment. “And don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten your valiant efforts to protect me from well… everypony else. And I do want to say that I’m really sorry for what happened last night. I didn’t mean to try and hit on Spike… or your mother, both sexually and literally, and destroying your grandmother’s urn… jumping through the window, setting that small child on fire, summoning a giant monkey god that took a shit on the entire downtown area… well, you get the idea, don’t you sweetie?”
“Yes, you become a sociopath when you drink. It’s wonderful… but I forgive you.”
“I mean, I’m going to have to give you the best blowjob of your life to really make up for this.”
Shining’s ears perked up. “Say again now?”
“Oh yeah,” she said lustfully. “I’ve been saving it for a royal fuck up like this. Once I give you this BJ, it’s going to make all the other ones I’ve given you feel like sloppy hoofjobs… self hoofjobs.”
The stallion bolted right next to his mare, energy restored to his body like he had chugged down a twenty-four ounce cup of caffeine. “Well, then we better get back home. Although perhaps we lay low for a while in the Crystal Empire, you know, until things cool down a bit in Canterlot. Something tells me that monkey thing is going to be hard to forgive immediately.”
“True… and it would chap my mouth to give so many ponies blowjobs. Better just run and hide! That always solves the problem!”
Shining beamed. “I couldn’t be more happy with you now than I have ever been in my entire life… or at least, until you give me that blowjob that’s supposed to rock my world.”
“Shining, you’re going to make me blush,” Cadence giggled as they continued to walk towards the train station, talking about blowjobs and other sex things as a family with four young children passed them. As Spike watched, he wondered if Shining Armour and Cadence knew they were talking out loud… really loud. Like almost yelling loud.
However, that really didn’t affect him too much, so he just let the mental scarring take place. It’s not like one more would make much more of a difference at this point. Besides that though the walk was quick and uneventful which was more than what he could have said for last night. When into eyesight of the library, he noticed that a dark chariot was parked next to it, with a lime green unicorn waiting impatiently next to it. He was adorned in Lunar Guard armour, so Spike assumed he was here for the princess.
“Hey,” Spike said, waving to the pony. “I’m guessing you’re Luna’s ride?”
“Something like that,” the lime green stallion sighed. “More of an escort. I was supposed to keep an eye on the princess but she can be very evasive at times. But it’s a living and I wouldn’t dream of doing anything else. Now unless you can help me open this door however, I do ask that you keep the chit chat to a minimum. It’s been a long night.”
“Amen to that,” the dragon said. “But I live here, I can open the door for you.”
“Really?”
Spike reached into his pocket. “Yeah, got the key right here.” He pulled out the small key for the house and unlocked the door. Almost immediately the princess of the night burst out, wearing a lampshade on her head.
“Huzzah! That was the sixth greatest New Lunar Eve that I’ve ever been to! Oh, hello Moonlit Knight, here to escort me back to the castle?”
The lunar knight nodded.
“Excellent! I’m starting to get a little sleepy!” She shouted, not sounding sleepy. “To the castle where we shall engage in the post Lunar Eve escort’s coitus!”
Moonlit hitched himself to the chariot, a big smug smile on his face. “Like I said, I wouldn’t dream of doing anything else!” He sprouted strange, bat-like wings and took off into the air. Spike was a little bewildered at the sight, but just took the mental scar to go with the one from earlier and entered the house.
“Oh my goddess!” He screamed, his hands meeting his head at the sheer sight of the mess of the library. “What in the hell happened here?!”
Books had been pulled out from the shelves, bottles lay broken in puddles of stale liquor and other substances, and several ponies laid passed out on the floor, couches, and any other places a pony could fall asleep. Only one thing was going through Spike’s mind at this time.
“I am so NOT cleaning this up!”
Author's Note
Hi I'm FlimFlamBros.
We've had a lot of fun this chapter, but now it's time to talk about something serious. Sticking things up your butt. It is not a joke, nor is it a game. It's a terrible addiction that some ponies face because they lack pockets and/or the saddlebags and therefore must put things up their butts. Is it dangerous to their health? Top scientist have no idea, but I'm guessing maybe. That's why I'm starting a new campaign to raise awareness, so I urge you to donate at our website or call our toll free number at 1-800-194-UPTHEBUTT
I'm going to be honest with you guys, you've disappoint me, I only got like... 5 bucks from the other campaign that I did for Nymphomania, so there's still no cure for that, it's as if you WANT ponies to be insatiably horny all the time, wanting to, to, grind their bodies against each other and give the best blowjobs ever. Well I hope you're happy because I spent that 5 dollars on a Quarter Pounder at McDonalds, so there's going to be no cure.
Oh and also, next chapter is the last one.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
“Alright, Spike, do we have everything?” Twilight asked as she ran through her second checklist for the fourth time.
“I think so, Twilight,” Spike said, smiling as he finished setting up the last foldable table in the middle of the room. “That was the last one.”
“Great!” she beamed as she quickly checked ‘Set up Table’ off her list. “I think that’s it for moving and setting up furniture. But just to be safe…” she filled over the page of her notepad. “It never hurts to quintuple check!”
Spike groaned. “Twilight, I swear, if I have to move all these tables again…”
“But you’re so good at it!” beamed Twilight. “Ever since your last growth spurt you’ve gotten so much better at physical labour.”
“Don’t remind me,” the dragon muttered. Still it was true about his recent growth. He was now roughly the height of an average pony and twice as strong. Having two large, muscular arms definitely made him the prime choice to help with any sort of menial, physical task that was thrown at him. He still didn’t have his wings yet, but he tried to not let that get to him, even if Rainbow Dash tended to give him a hard time about it. Regardless his life was fairly good in Ponyville, if not a bit mundane. But tonight would hopefully change that.
“This is going to be the best New Luna’s Eve ever!” said Twilight as she ran over her list again, making sure that there was enough space at the bar that she had Spike construct. “Did you remember to send all the invitations to everypony?”
“Yep, did it all yesterday,” said Spike.
“Did you double check?”
“Why would I double check?”
“WHAT?!” gasped Twilight, her jaw dropping down to the floor as she rushed over the dragon’s side. “How could you not double check the checklist, Spike?!”
“Because I’m not obsessed with lists?”
“There is no excuse in Equestria for not double checking a checklist!” growled the violent violet mare. “Double check it. Now.”
“Why? I’ve got everypony in town!” argued Spike. “C’mon Twilight, this is stupid.”
“Well then, if you won’t check it then I guess I will,” said Twilight, summoning the Guest List with her magic. “More fun for me anyways! Now let’s see here… Allie Way, Amethyst, Applejack, Berry Punch, Big Mac, Blossomforth, Bonbon, Caramel, Carrot Top, Cheerilee, Colgate, Cloudchaser, Cloud Kicker, Davenport, Ditzy, Flitter, Fluttershy, Lyra, Mayor Mare, Mr. and Mrs. Cakes, Octavia, Rainbow Dash, Raindrop… Why are there so many hearts around Rarity’s name?”
“Oh that…” blushed the dragon. “I did that to make sure that I didn’t forget to invite her.”
“Well,” grinned the purple unicorn, showing the list to Spike. “You forgot to invite her, lover boy.”
Spike face grew pale. “W-what?”
“Yep, you got everypony in Ponyville—except Rarity.”
“That’s impossible!” gulped Spike, grabbing the list from Twilight’s telekinetic grab. “I would never forget to invite her Twilight, not in a million years!”
"Well you did,” she smirked. “Suddenly my list obsession doesn’t look so bad now does it?”
“This is horrible!” moaned Spike. “I have to get to invite her, the party’s in a few hours!” he said, rushing to the door out of the library.
“Hold your horses, mister!” said Twilight, surrounding the purple drake with her magical aura, stopping him dead in his tracks. “If you’re going to be heading out to town, you can run a few errands for me.”
“Like what?”
“They’re just a few things that need to be done before the party,” she said. “Consider it a punishment for not double checking your list.”
“Okay then…” muddled Spike, as he took the lists that Twilight gave him. “Check food and decorations from Pinkie… Get drinks from Applejack… Twilight, these things seem kind of important to be left at the last minute.”
“Well we were too busy checking to make sure we doubled checked the triple check of the first checklist we made to organize the third batch of checklists,” said Twilight as if she weren’t borderline insane.
“Okay, I have no idea what the heck you just said but I’m going to go do that stuff you said to do anyways,” said Spike as he quietly slipped out the door, leaving Twilight to her quizzical thought patterns and overabundance of checklists.
“Be sure to double check the checklist!”
“Okay!” he shouted. “You loony pony. Now let’s see here… Hard Apple Cider, Shirley Temples, Peppermint Schnapps, Cuba Libres, Eggnog, Champagne, Moonshine, Coconut Rum, Strawberry Margaritas… Twilight must have every liquor and cocktail known to pony on this list. Why do I get the feeling… ah, whatever makes her happy,” he said, stuffing the lists down into some of his duller and looser scales. “I have more important things to worry about, like the beautiful Rarity…”
His heart went aflutter at the very mention of her name. The two had been in a loving relationship for years, even if one of the them was unaware of said relationship. For she was the sweet, generous white unicorn that was his deepest; if still unclaimed, love. He had been trying to work up the nerve to finally confront her with his feelings for her, but to no avail. Every time he had been presented an opportunity to do so, he would become nervous and tongue-tied, unable to say the four simple words that his very being ached to say, ‘I love you Rarity’. He had said it in his sleep, he said it in his dreams, and he had even said it to the picture that he kept of her from that one summer they all went to the beach and she had worn that skimpy, yet stunning bathing suit and he took a picture saying he was going to delete it . Sadly it had just disappeared and certainly not been hidden under his mattress.
But tonight would be his night; he just knew it, for there was a tradition, a sacred tongue-caressed ritual that he would finally partake in, the New Lunar Kiss. A kiss conceived between two paramours at the very stroke of midnight. It is said that those who kiss on this magical hour are blessed to be each other’s soul mates, and would live long and happy lives together. At least, that’s how the legend goes. Spike never really considered himself a believer of myths and legends, except for zombies, that shit was real. But tonight he would throw caution to the wind. After all, what’s the worst that could happen?
He finally approached the Carousel Boutique, his secret crush’s place of residence. He gently knocked a few times on the door before it swung open.
And the mare of his dreams answered. “Well, if it isn’t my little Spikey-wikey!”
“Hi Rarity,” he sighed, goggling at the sophisticated beauty that stood before him. Everything about Rarity was well kept and dignified; a true lady befitting of royalty. Her white as snow coat must have been groomed and pampered twice daily to keep up its radiance, her purple and springy mane and tail. There was not a stray hair out of place in the remarkable piece of art that was her hair, and her eyes, the eyes that shimmered with the beauty of a thousand sapphires. Celestia herself would envy her grace and beauty as Rarity was unparalleled by any, or at least in the eyes of her admirer.
“Spike,” giggled Rarity. “You know it’s impolite to stare at a lady.”
“S-s-sorry!” stuttered Spike, shaking awake from his trance. “I didn’t mean to.”
“It’s alright, darling,” smiled Rarity. “So Spike, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“It’s always a pleasure when I’m with you…”
“Oh, Spike, you flatter me,” the white mare said.
“Yeah…” dreamed the dragon, “I’d flatter you…”
“What was that?”
“What?”
“You muttered something Spike,” said Rarity. “I wasn’t quite able to make it out.”
“Oh… umm, I was saying… umm, dang it!”
“Dang it?”
“No! I was umm… INVITATION!” he screamed, quickly reaching into his scales and fishing out the Rarity’s invitation. “I’m here to invite you to Twilight’s New Luna’s Eve party at the library tonight!”
“Really?” hummed Rarity. “When I heard gossip of a New Luna’s Eve party at the library, I had thought somepony else had rented it out. I never thought that it was our very own Twilight throwing this year’s party.”
“Yeah, we usually go to Twi’s parents house for New Luna’s, but this year they’re vacationing in Saddle Arabia so we decided it would be fun to throw a party here in Ponyville,” said Spike, handing the white mare her invitation. “So will you come? Please?”
“Of course I’ll come Spike!” beamed Rarity. “As if you had to ask, I’m sure it’ll be a marvellous party!”
“Really? Great!” Spike cheered excitedly. “I’ll see you there then!”
“Of course Spike! Goodness me! What will I wear? Oh how terrible it would be if anypony were to see me in some old get-up. I guess I’ll just have to make a new dress! Ooo, I have just the most splendid idea! Ta-ta Spike!” she said, closing the door and running off into her studio.
Spike listened through the door as Rarity’s angelic voice eventually moved out of earshot. “Rarity,” he sighed, as he skipped away from the Boutique. “Now what else did I have to get done?” he reached back into his scaly pocket, pulling out the rest of the lists. “Should probably see how Pinkie Pie is doing.”
The dragon set off towards Sugarcube Corner, easy enough as it was located in the heart of town and not too far away from the Boutique. He opened the door as a little bell rang to make notice of his presence, but the shop seemed strangely deserted.
“Pinkie, are you here?” he called out. It was strange how quiet it was considering The Cakes had two kids and a Pinkie living there. “Hello? Seriously, where are everypony?”
“HI SPIKE!”
The dragon nearly jumped through the roof in fright. “Pinkie! Don’t sneak up on me like that!”
“Sorry Spikey!” laughed the pink mare. “But it was too much fun to resist.”
“Well I almost had a heart attack, but as long as you had fun...” droned Spike. “Anyways Twilight wants to know how everything coming along on your end?”
“Great!” grinned Pinkie, pushing Spike towards the kitchen. “Here let me show you what we’ve been working on all day!”
“P-Pinkie!” gasped Spike as he was forced into the back of the bakery. “I just needed to check up on things. I know you’ll do a—holy hayseeds that a lot of cupcakes!”
“Thanks, I know!” smiled Pinkie, looking over her handiwork. There was an ocean of multi-coloured frosted treats in the bakery, all ranging from every different colour on the spectrum, if it was a real colour or a combination of colours, chances are they were in the sea of cupcakes. “Can I cook or what?”
“This is incredible!” said Spike. “How many are there?”
“I don’t know, a pony would go crazy trying to count them all,” she said. “But you didn’t come here to talk cupcakes, did you?”
“Well actually—“
“You wanted to talk about Rarity!”
“No I didn’t!”
“Well, my P.P.S. was picking up on it anyways,” she said.
“Your what?”
“So tell me Spike, are you going to make the move on her tonight?” Pinkie smirked.
“I don’t have to tell you anything,” grumbled Spike. “It’s not really your business.”
“Just a yes or no, it’s not like I’m asking for a fully detailed game plan,” said the pink mare.
Spike sighed, looking at his pink bubbly friend. “Yeah…”
“Oooo! Spike, you dog!” giggled Pinkie, causing the dragon to blush. “Are you going to kiss her at midnight?”
“I’m going to try, but every time I try to confront her I get all guppy and can’t talk,” sighed the dragon. “What if that happens tonight?”
“Well…” wondered Pinkie Pie, suddenly getting an idea. “Let your Auntie Pinkie tell you a little secret,” she said mischievously. “Some of these cupcakes are… super special.”
“What do you mean like super special?”
“I mean…” winked Pinkie. “They’re super special.”
“Did you drug them?”
“What!? No! Maybe… a little. Yeah, a lot.”
“Which ones?”
“Not really sure…” said Pinkie. “It could be any of them really.”
“How is that supposed to be helpful?”
“Because now you know the cupcakes are ‘special’, and if you’re ever in a bind, eat one!”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” muttered Spike. “Is there anything else you need from me?”
“Nope! I can get the rest of these to the library by myself!” Pinkie said as she swept the dragon out of the kitchen and out the front door, throwing him out onto the streets. “See you later Spike! And good luck with your Rarity problem!” she called out before slamming the door closed and flipping the open sign to closed.
“Well that was weird,” mumbled Spike, dusting himself off. “Still, I’m glad she told me about the cupcakes. I guess I’ll just eat something else… unless she did something to the rest of the food as well…. Dang it Pinkie!”
The disgruntled dragon made his way out of town and towards Sweet Apple Acres. He managed to catch Applejack just as she was heading out the gate, doing her best to pull two carts filled to the brim with different liquor bottles and cans.
“Well howdy Spike!” grunted the cowpony as she tried to get both carts through the front gates. “Don’t suppose y’all want to lend a hoof?”
“How about a claw?” smiled Spike, unhooking and grabbing the extra cart.
“Much appreciated, Spike,” said Applejack as the two pulled the carts side by side. “So y’all excited for the party?”
“Of course, isn’t everypony?”
“I bet there’s a certain somepony y’all are planning to pucker with,” snickered Applejack.
“So what if there is?”
“C’mon sugar cube, everpony knows you’ve got a crush on Rarity, not sure why.”
“Because she’s the most beautiful pony that ever lived and her very existence brings joy to the world…” awed Spike.
“Wouldn’t have gone that far,” grumbled Applejack. “So you think y’all be able to confess your feelings this time?”
“I hope so,” said Spike. “If I can’t ask her out tonight, I don’t know what I’ll do.”
“Well I reckon the odds are in your favor Spike,” said the cowpony. “We’ve got enough booze here to kill a pack of elephants. If this doesn’t loosen you up then I don’t know what will.”
“Thanks,” he said. “So what about you? Any special pony you have your eye on tonight?”
“Yep, my brother.”
“WHAT?!”
“Just kidding cowboy,” laughed Applejack. “Boy, I got you better than a rattler in chicken wire.”
“Thank Celestia,” sighed Spike as they pulled up to the library. “We’re here.”
“Alright, I’ll ride these up to the back and get unloaded,” said Applejack. “You leave that second cart and make sure Twilight isn’t having another panic attack.”
“Okay, see you in a bit,” said the dragon, dropping the handle to the cart and heading inside.
“Well it’s about time!” said Twilight as Spike entered the door. “We had to start decorating without you. Did you do all the things I asked you to do?”
“Yes, master,” he said sarcastically.
“Good, did you remember to double check?”
“Umm…” gulped the dragon.
“Spike!” yelled Twilight. “It’s almost eight o’ clock! The party’s going to start soon and you haven’t gotten everything done yet!”
“Yes we do! I checked on Pinkie and I came here with Applejack with all the drinks. I even invited Rarity, still have no idea how I could forget to invite her?”
“Let me see the list,” muttered Twilight, snatching the list from Spike’s claw and reviewing them. “Huh, I guess that was all. Good work Spike, I had every confidence in you!” she smiled.
“Ya-huh,” said Spike, rolling his eyes. “I’m going to get ready, call me when everypony gets here.”
“Good idea, I should take a quick shower too. Oh Spike I’m so excited! This is going to be our first real New Luna’s Eve party!”
“And I’m sure it’ll be great,” said Spike as he walked into his room to prepare himself for a night to remember.
Sparity and the (Un)Holy Grail
“Holy shit… even Tirek didn’t fuck the library up this bad…”
Spike stared blatantly at the wreckage of his house. It was a disaster zone, a complete orgy of destruction and chaos. It would take a small army to clean all this up and he was pretty sure almost everypony in the room was far too hung over to do anything productive. He gingerly walked over the sleeping ponies, doing his best not to step on anyone and made his way to the broom closet. There was a strange rummaging noise coming from within, and Spike gulped as he reached for the door handle…and out popped out two groggy looking mares.
Lyra and Bonbon fell to the floor on top of one of another. They smelt of sweat, gin, and a good time. Spike rolled his eyes, giving the green unicorn a few kicks to wake her up. After a few minutes, Lyra’s eyes started to open, flinching a little at the brightness of the light.
“Oh goddess…” she groaned, pulling herself up off the ground. “Hey Spike… what time is it?”
“I think it’s getting close to noon, but to be honest I have no idea.”
Lyra scratched her head. “It’s not even noon? What the hell Spike?” She collapsed back onto the floor. “It’s way too early to do anything, why the hell did you do wake me up?”
“Because I needed to get into the damn closet!” Spike mumbled, stepping over the hung over ponies and reaching out for the broom. When he touched it, he could hear the two ponies snickering a little under their breaths. “What?” He demanded, not in the mood for all this. “What’s so funny? C’mon, spit it out you two.”
“Oh, nothing!” Bonbon cackled, digging her face into her pink and blue mane in an attempt to hide her grin. “It’s just that… we used that broom handle last night.”
“What do you mean used?”
“They did everything with it.” A frail, traumatized voice whispered from the closet. From the darkness, a bloodshot Fluttershy shambled out, her eyes unblinking and her expression blanks as if she had just witnessed a murder. “Terrible things… unholy things… butt things… things that I thought weren’t even possible… and I had a hoof in it all. I must have drank too many non-alcoholic beverages that they became alcoholic again.” She drifted past Spike. “If you don’t mind. I’m going to go home… and take a shower… for the rest of my life. I'm such a naughty little pervert.”
As the yellow pegasus exited the remnants of the Golden Oaks, Spike was beginning to put together what Fluttershy was saying. When he got to ‘butt things’ he had dropped the broom and turned to Lyra and Bonbon. “So… what you’re saying is… you had sex with that broom stick?”
The two nodded their heads pleasantly, proud of their accomplishment.
“That’s just wonderful,” the dragon said with a dead sarcasm. “If you excuse me for a second, I’m going to go wash my hands, and maybe take a shower for the rest of my life.” He headed to the washroom, praying that it had been spared the horrors of the living room. Sadly, it was arguably worse. At least the living room wasn’t painted in bloody hoof prints. “What the?” Spike saw Pinkie Pie curled up on the toilet cover, humming peacefully as she slept. She too was covered in blood, and Spike was hesitant to wake her… he doubt that the blood on her was her own.
It only took one nudge to wake Pinkie up, and spring her to life. “Woo! That was one awesome party!” She said with all the life in the world. “Oh, hey Spike! How did last nice go? Did you bang Rarity yet?”
“No I did not bang Rarity,” He sighed, not even wanting to go there. “Do I dare ask why my bathroom looks like a slaughter house?”
“Well…” Pinkie said nonchalantly, pointing to the bathtub. “Me and Davenport were playing doctor last night, and it slowly turned to naughty doctor… and then we lost the patient, which was a total boner killer if you ask me.”
“Lost the patient?” Spike took a closer look to the blank, pale, and lifeless face of Davenport. “Oh goddess he’s dead, isn’t he?”
“He is dead.”
“Why is he dead?!” Spike screamed, grabbing his head with frustration. “How did he die? Over dose?”
“No… it was… MURDER!” Pinkie said as dramatically as possible, quickly adding. “And you’re the killer.”
“Say what?”
“Don’t you remember?” She asked. “You got wicked high last night and started screaming about nymphomania princesses and marshmallows and animals and you bit off his leg. I thought that I could bring him back to life with the power of love… making. But I guess that expression ‘love heals all wounds’ doesn’t apply to dragon bites. They should really add that in there, it could save some lives.”
“I… killed somepony…” Spike mumbled to himself, terrified. “I’m going to go to jail... and get butt-rutted by some five hundred pound griffon.” He walked out of the bathroom. He really needed to lie down for a moment, get his head on straight and figure out what the fuck he was going to do. However, once he reached for his door and opened it, he immediately slammed it shut. “WHAT THE FUCK!?” He yelled. “WHY THE FUCK IS MACINTOSH AND CARAMEL HAVING SEX ON MY BED?!” He slid down onto the floor…
And that’s when his mind finally snapped under the pressure.
He started chuckling to himself madly. In the span of twelve hours his entire life hand gone to shit. He had touched a used broom handle, committed murder, saw two stallions hump on the place where he slept and ate bed nachos, and of course had to spend all night escorting a drunk Rarity all the way home, and he didn’t even get so much as a kiss. It was so apparent that the universe hated him and enjoyed watching him suffer. So he simply laughed, and laughed, and laughed until his lungs began to hurt, and then he laughed some more.
Spike laughed so psychotically loud, he didn’t even here the hoof steps coming down the stairs from Twilight’s room.
“Spike… is that you?”
“Oh hey Twilight!” Spike said with an insane amount of enthusiasm, grinning far too happily. “How are you? Good? Good! Same here! Because you know, nothing else can—Oh, hello Mayor Mare!” Spike waved at the Mayor, who was walking sleepily out of Twilight’s room, and wearing what looked like Twilight’s housecoat. “Did you stay the night? That’s wonderful!”
“Spike, you seem… happy this morning?” Twilight wondered. “Did you have a good time last night?”
“Oodles of it,” Spike twitched. “Just fucking oodles of good times.”
“Well, that’s good to hear,” smiled Twilight. “Especially since I’m going to have to ask you to move out later today.”
“Huh…?”
“Well you see… the Mayor and I… we’ve become an item, and I asked her to move in with me. But she’s going to need the basement to store all of her stuff. I know it’s short notice but…” She looked into the lusty eyes of her cougar lover, an aged beauty like fine wine that showed her the true path to nirvana and lustful happiness with a partner twice your age. “... We’re in love.”
“I really hope this doesn’t bother you too much, Spike,” Mayor Mare said. “I can still count on your vote in the fall, right?”
“Probably not,” Spike grinned, getting up from the floor as he headed up the stairs. He walked right passed the ponies, saying, “Because I’m going to jump off the roof now.” With that, he disappeared off the balcony.
Mayor Mare gave Twilight a strange look. “Is he going to be okay?”
“Don’t worry, baby cake,” shushed Twilight. “He’s a dragon, if falling off a balcony could kill him he’d be dead ten times by now.”
“Goodbye, cruel world!” He shouted, getting ready to jump. However, his legs were stiff, and his feet stayed glued to the railing. “Ah crap… I can’t do it. It’s going to hurt like balls…” He decided to try and get down from his not-so-suicide jump. But, as luck would have it, it would be at that very moment that somepony would send him a message, his resulting burp causing him to wobble and sadly, flip off the side of the treehouse. “FUCK!” Was the only thing be managed to mumbled as he landed on his back, groaning as the letter he and upchucked floated pleasantly down on his face.
He picked it up and started to read it.
Spike.
Please come back to the Carousel Boutique as soon as possible.
Rarity.
“Hmm...” Spike thought, wondering what Rarity could want now. In any case, it was better than staying here. So he practically ran all across town to the Boutique, and once there, politely knocked on the door.
When Rarity answered the door, Spike was surprised with how good she looked, and how fast she had recovered from last night. “Good morning, dear. Won’t you please come in? I’ve made coffee.”
“Uh… sure,” the dragon said, stepping into her home. “So, how are you feeling today? You had a lot to drink last night, and you were quite out of it.”
“Spikey, precious scales,” Rarity hummed, grabbing him by the finger and pulling him along. “I’m just riveting thanks to you. You know most stallions would have tried to take advantage of a lady like me in such a state, but you were a true gentledrake Spike. I know it must have been hard to resist such temptation.”
“You have no idea…” he muttered under his breath. Rarity started to pull him upstairs. “Hey, uh, where exactly are we going?”
“To my bedroom, of course,” Rarity smiled. “I can’t very well give you the best blowjob of your life in my studio. Anypony could just walk in and catch us in the act.”
“I-da-waj-aw-wha?” Spike stammered once he heard the word blowjob.
“Well you couldn’t expect me to NOT reward you for your restraints and efforts, dear,” She winked. “And of course it doesn’t end there. We’re going to spend the whole day doing whatever you want to me because you’re just that wonderful. It’s the least I can do after last night, don’t you agree?”
“Hum-ago-rajawan-ta-wakea…”
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Rarity said, pushing the dragon onto the bed. “Now… are you ready, my prince?”
“Yes... my Marshmallow Queen,” Spike said happily.
*****
And with that, the two had sex all day. Spike would later inform Rarity of his lack of residence, in which she was more than happy to let him bunk in—with her. They got married later that year, and continue to have a thriving (and explicit) sex life.
Lyra and Bonbon later went into the film industry and produced the hit movie “Lyra and Bonbon make a Porno”. It was the only movie in history to ever win an academy award, and an adult film award.
Fluttershy finally came to terms with what happened that night, and embraced her inner pervert. She is now the head dominatrix in a harem consisting of her, Bulk Biceps, Iron Will, Discord, Time Turner, and Hoity Toity.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash, after having sex on the couch, realized that the tension between them wasn’t sexual tension, but actually just regular tension. They agreed to stay friends and continue to hunt for some big ass D.
Pinkie Pie later dissolved Davenport’s body with hydrofluoric acid a la Breaking Bad style. Sadly, it dissolved through the ceramics of the tub and fell through the floor and into the living room, which was odd considering that she was using the downstairs bathroom.
Princess Cadence gave Shining Armour the best blowjob ever. They screamed so loud in ecstasy that everyone within a two mile radius could hear them.
Big Mac and Caramel went their separate ways after that night, and never spoke of what happened. Later they found out that they were related… and that somehow Big Mac had gotten Caramel pregnant.
Twilight Sparkle and the Mayor went on to become president and first young willing sex slave of all Equestria. Going to show you how tolerant ponies can be. They too, have lots of sex.
Vinyl and Octavia did something because honestly we all forgot they were in this story.
Princess Luna stayed true to her word and had sex with Moonlit Knight. When another guard walked in on them, the fun was doubled.
That mare from the diner got some sleep, and became less of a bitch.
And finally Princess Celestia, having retired early in the night to get some sleep, woke up to the ghastly sight of Canterlot covered in monkey shit. She then said, and I quote, “Which one of you dead motherfuckers gave Cadence tequila?!”
The End
Author's Note
Annnnnd that's finally done. I know it's not edited, but I could care less at this point. I can check this badboy off my list!
