Chapters Winging it With a Ukulele
It was an ideal day. In terms of weather, the breeze was gentle, and the sky partly cloudy in a pleasant way that only muted the sun's intensity to be easy on the eyes. Mid-spring in Texas meant the winter birds had already left, and the summer birds were just arriving, so it was quiet for the most part as I stepped out to my back yard to sit and pluck at my ukulele for a while. Sitting on the bench next to my fire pit, I let my fingers wander a bit, fiddling around with a chord or two here and there, mostly practicing along some pentatonic scales trying to find some good riffs. I'm no virtuoso by any stretch of the imagination, and must admit to a great many sour notes being played, but after a few minutes I found myself closing my eyes and playing over a few interesting patterns aimlessly. It was in this time, with my eyes closed and fingers finding a rhythm all their own, my life changed in the least probable way imaginable.
Happily picking along I started to hear a few more noises that weren't my own. A couple of leaves must have blown into the yard from a few houses over and found a vortex, rustling for a while as I paid them no mind. I also started to hear a tone, muted but present, but also neither high nor low. With my eyes still closed I focused on this tone, wondering which neighbor's air conditioning might be going on the fritz, but the direction didn't line up. Stopping my own noise making and muting my strings to get a better bearing on this new sound, I started turning my head in search of it as the leaves suddenly stopped and the strange tone also muted shortly after my strings. 'Huh, that's odd,' I thought, and decided to go over the basic chords again before heading back inside to get some food and maybe a lunchtime beer for this day of relaxation. Going over a simple scale before hitting the basic chords, I heard both strange noises pick up again, so I lightened my picking and slowed considerably; the tone stayed, but the 'leaves' slowed almost as much as I did. Eyes still closed, I started searching for the source of the leafy sound, now noticing that it wasn't as 'leafy' as I'd thought.
Zeroing in on the source was easy for me; my ears may not catch everything after my years as a mechanic, or days spent shooting empty cans, but mostly my hearing is pretty good, and direction is especially easy for me. Having pinpointed the direction I turned quickly towards it and gave a loud muted strum. Hearing a loud gasp and something dropping I opened my eyes and pointing with a "HA!" of my own, and froze. 'What the... is that?... uh...' What was before me was, as far as I knew, impossible, on multiple levels. I sat there, frozen, arm outstretched and pointing at what my mind refused to process, for some unknown amount of time. After a while of this a few more impossibilities walked up, and started inspecting the two of us. What happened next was that my mind decided to move again, and the best translation I can give from the language of thought is 'BRAIN;OS has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down.'
Returning to consciousness was slow. Bright light shone through my eyelids blocking out other sensory input. 'What the fuck was that dream? And why is my light on?' I thought as my head buzzed slightly from the overpowering light. What I saw could only be possible in a dream; horses don't come in pastel colors, especially not purple. Pegasi and unicorns only exist in myth, and for damn sure never as the same creature. Then there were others, only three of which had almost possible colors, one damn near possible with its lack of mythical appendages, but then it had a cowboy hat on. 'What did I eat last night? When I remember it, I need to never have it for supper again.' Raising my hand to cover my eyes, I felt the bill of my cap and pulled it down to get relief from the light. The world of sensation returning, I noticed a few things rather quickly; my hat was on my head, I was wearing my clothes I had put on that morning, in my left hand was the neck of my ukulele, I was laying on what felt like my bench, the birds were making more noise than usual, and a most peculiar conversation was being had nearby. Focusing on the conversation, I listened for a while as pieces fell into place.
“Dash, I don't think it's a spy. If it was it would probably have tried to disguise or hide itself rather than sit in the middle of the park making all that noise. Did you seriously not hear it?”
“Hmph, I guess that makes sense. And I had my ears plugged because AJ's apple bucking was interrupting my nap.”
“It ain't my fault your cloud drifted over the farm. And besides, I was at the market, it was Mac's turn at bucking this morning.”
“Maybe we should get back to the matter at hoof, hmm? We don't know for certain what it is, but maybe we could make more progress by discussing what we do know about it, don't you agree Twilight?”
“Yes, thank you, Rarity. Well, it seems to be civilized, based on its wearing clothes and playing music, however strange those clothes and that music may be.”
“It was playing music? Um, I could ask if any of my songbirds heard it, maybe they can help.”
“Ooh! If he likes music, then maybe he likes parties! *GASP* I gotta throw him a 'Welcome to Ponyville New Guy' party!”
“Wait Pinkie, how do you know it to be male?”
“My 'Pinkie sense' told me a new guy was coming to Ponyville this morning!”
“Care to elaborate on that for us, darling?”
“I thought you knew about my Pinkie sense Rarity. Oh, by the way, he's been listening since Twily dismissed Rainbow's 'spy' theory.”
“WHAT?!?”
At this point I straightened my cap to its usual position, sat up, and stretched my arms out over my head with a yawn. Sitting upright again, I prepared to see a collection of impossible creatures. This time, I opened my eyes and looked out to see six pairs of eyes fixed on me. “At this point I guess I should say hello,” I said with my friendliest smile.
“Um, hello?” said Twilight. She had the distinctive, educated sounding voice.
“Heh, so, sorry about earlier. I was sorta caught off guard. Uh, where am I?” I asked her.
“Ponyville Public Park,” Twilight replied. Realizing how useless this answer would be she continued, “In the town of Ponyville, country of Equestria.” She paused for a moment before adding as an afterthought “Planet of Equus.”
“Planet. Of. Equus.” My left eyebrow climbing on top of my head, she nodded in confirmation. “Balls.”
“Huh? Anyhow, I have to ask, how did you get here?” She asked my question for me.
“Hell of a good question there,” I said, starting to hope even more that I would wake up at home any minute now. “I was hoping you might know.”
“So wait a minute here,” said the orange one with the hat. “Ya don't know how ya got here? How in the hay is that possible?”
“Twilight beat us at the Running of the Leaves,” said the one that must be Rainbow, given her rainbow striped hair, or mane I guess. “But that is a bit easier to explain, as much as I hate to admit it.”
“Duh, it was a one way Trans-dimensional Rift,” Said the pink one, who must be Pinkie. “Anywho, I've got a party to plan, hey mister, I need your info, name and birthday please,” she requested with a smile that stretched her face to meet its spatial requirements.
We all stared at her for a minute, the others because of what she first said, myself because of her smile proving the potential truth behind the claim. “ Um, Pinkie, I think, well, I think you might be scaring him,” said the butter colored one.
Pinkie backed down her intensity, allowing sanity to reenter the area. “Oh, sure thing Fluttershy, you get the details and bring them to me before the party later! Gotta go, bye!” She dashed off behind a tree and vanished, only to appear almost immediately at my left on the bench, nearly loosening the contents of my bowels. “OOH, OOH! I almost forgot, what's your favorite food?!?” she asked excitedly.
This time I mustered an answer, “um, I'm not picky...” I managed with a grin.
Pinkie was not satisfied with this, “Okay... So what do you like to drink?” She continued after a short pause, “So I can pick the foods based on that.”
“Beer, beer would be awesome.” I hoped like hell there might be a bottle around if this is really going to be my life for a while. “Really any beverage in the 'adult' category would be fantastic about now,” I said to make sure that what I meant was understood, or that my hopes would be crushed in their youth rather than suffer more greatly at a later time.
“I guess by 'adult category' you mean booze?” I nodded vigorously. “Ah, Mister Cake will have to take care of that then,” she slumped a bit, “I can still manage the party though. Fluttershy, bring me the info.” This time she jumped behind the bench, I looked but she wasn't there.
“Word of caution, don't bother trying to figure out how Pinkie works, that road leads only to migraines,” Twilight warned while stepping also to see where the bizarre pink pony went, to no avail. “For now though, I have some paperwork for you to fill out, since you're going to be in my country for at least some time. Let's go to the library, we can start on your papers, talk about how our worlds are different, and get you some refreshments.” I looked at her, half surprised, half hopeful. She recognized both, “Just come on, suddenly you're looking like a lost puppy,” she giggled. I shrugged and stood to follow.
Something I realized shortly after standing from the bench, none of these creatures (people?) stood more than nipple high. Really most of them only stood almost to the top of my belly, including their hair. Back in Texas I stood about as close to exact average as one could get, but here I towered over these beings. That is, until the orange one decided to balance on her hind legs, and put her face even with mine, to then be tapped on the hat by the blue pegasus hovering over her with a grin.
“Hah, well I reckon we aught to get to know each other's names, if'n we're gonna be all friends like. I'm Applejack, you can call me AJ for short,” she said coming back down to reach out with a fore-hoof. Bending to rest myself on one knee I took the offered hoof and shook twice. “So what's your name, neighbor?”
“I'm Hoyt, pleased to meet you Applejack.” I couldn't help but to notice her accent, and how it sounded like a lot of the people I know back home, but thought better of asking about it just yet. Turning to the apparent leader of the group, “From hearing your conversation earlier, I take it you're Twilight?” I asked while offering a hand.
“Oh that, eheh, yes. I am, Princess Twilight Sparkle, but please just call me Twilight,” she said before placing her hoof in my hand.
A Princess? Well a little humor never hurt. Why not?
“Ah, your Majesty!” I said removing my cap and bringing the hoof to my brow as I bowed my head. But I knew my attempt at humor worked when I heard a muffled giggle. Looking up to see the reaction I saw Twilight looking away, but met the eyes of the white unicorn with the springy purple mane, muffling her merriment with a hoof. Setting down Twilight's hoof I couldn't help but continue the joke as I turned to the source of the giggles. “And whom might you be?” I asked with a bemused expression and deepened my voice in that way I knew to make some of my friends nervous.
Turns out that alabaster fur does not do well to hide a blush. “Aha, I am, Lady Rarity. Quite pleased to make your acquaintance, I'm sure.” She offered her hoof much higher, I'd watched 'Robin Hood' enough times to know the response to this, even if it was Mel Brooks' version. I cupped the offered hoof in my hand and, maintaining eye contact, brought it to my lips, just enough really to tickle the polished surface with my mustache. As I released the hoof it, and her other fore-hoof shot to cover her face in a poor attempt at hiding a blush that would require something far more substantial to hide.
“Pleased to make your acquaintance as well, fair Lady Rarity,” I said with a wink that ruptured a floodgate of giggles that was quickly pressed into the side of the princess next to her who now sat mouth agape, lavender fur proving far more successful at hiding a blush. After a very short moment of this I heard one very delicate, very restrained bit of giggling to my side, followed by a pair of other voices bellowing in laughter. Turning to see who was left, I saw Applejack and the one I assumed to be Rainbow with their legs in the air kicking about in unrestrained glee, and a rosy cheeked Fluttershy.
Sensing that her name was a good fit, given her posture, I softened my smile and gave a chuckle while returning my cap to its proper place. I then offered my hand to the yellow pegasus, “and you're Fluttershy, right?”
Her name was indeed a very good fit as she moved to hide behind a wall of hair, but with a barely audible sound like a squeak, she moved her hoof forward and very quickly took my hand and left it. Straightening herself she came from behind her curtain, and faintly smiled and said “n-nice to meet you, Mister Hoyt.”
“Nice to meet you too.” Turning lastly to the blue one, who had only just managed to regain control of herself, still shaking with a giggle here or there. “And you're Rainbow, right?” I asked while again offering my hand in greeting.
“Rainbow Dash, The one and only!” She replied with an aerial flip for emphasis. Taking my hand for a brief shake she added, “You're pretty funny, I think we'll get along just fine.” As she finished she looked again to her horned companions and snorted to hold back a new bout of laughter.
“Sorry if my humor was uncalled for,” I said to the Princess and still blushing Rarity. “I saw the opportunity and couldn't help myself.”
Sobering from her giggles and forcing her blush away with a coupe of deep breaths, Rarity answered first, “Think nothing of it dear. Actually, I wouldn't mind that brand of humor a bit more often.” Seeing my raised eyebrow her blush visibly threatened a forceful return, quickly she continued, “So, um, Twilight, you said there was paperwork to be done at the library regarding our uh, guest?”
Catching her friend's cue, Twilight seized the change of topic, clearing her throat “Oh, right, let's head on over so we can get things settled.”
As we started away from the near exact copy of my bench in the park, I turned to grab my ukulele, only for it to float away to Twilight. “Sorry guy, but I can't let you play anymore until I can run some tests to make sure nothing bad will happen. Don't worry, it shouldn't take long,” she explained as my brain when to stupor mode. I froze, again. Getting curious looks while dumbfounded would seem to have become my style.
Rainbow Dash was the first to investigate, flying up and waving a hoof in front of my face. “He seems to do this a lot. I wonder if he's broken?” she asked as she looked into my eyes, which were still locked on the floating instrument on the other side of her head.
Rainbow was pushed aside by Fluttershy, who looked intently into each of my eyes, pulled back a moment, and turned to Twilight. “Um, Twilight, I don't think he was ready to see magic. I think.”
“Magic?” I muttered as I noticed the odd tone from before. Suddenly I notice a strange magenta glow around my uke, and the Princess's horn. “This world has magic?”
On the way out of the park Twilight set about explaining magic to me. Needless to say this confused the hell out of me. Rarity was able to help simplify a lot of the jargon which made things almost understandable.
Soon AJ split off from the group to close her stall at the market, something about hoping her sister didn't get their permit revoked. Rainbow left to manage a stray cloud bank, chuckling at my apparent shock. A little later Fluttershy excused herself to take care of her animals.
Once it was only me, Twilight and herself, Rarity turned to me, “My Good Sir, I must also be leaving your company. But please, if you find yourself staying here with us for an extended period of time you simply must come by my boutique. I would simply love to make an ensemble for one such as yourself. Ta-Ta!” She sauntered off with a sly smile and a wave of her hoof.
Later, in the library, I was presented with a decent stack of papers to fill out. It was my turn to impress Twilight as I pulled my space pen from my pocket. After reading a few pages something even more unexpected than talking alicorn princess ponies walked in the door; a dragon. Twilight watched from the sidelines as us bipeds had a staring match born of surprise awkward, and she nearly fell over laughing at our response to each other;
“AHH! What is that?!?” We shouted simultaneously.
“What the-! It talks!” Again in unison.
“Well yeah I talk you-!” We both realize what has happened as Twilight fell to start pounding a hoof on the floor, crippled by her own laughter.
We both turned to the crippled Princess expecting answers. Seeing her current condition, and realizing what happened, I couldn't help but join her in laughing at the situation. The dragon for his part put on a straight face and tried to act miffed, but soon followed suit.
Sometime later we all managed to recover. Now sitting on the floor in the main room, Twilight decides to prompt our conversation to avoid another bout of laughter. She's mostly successful save for the odd chuckle here and giggle there. Turns out the dragon is named Spike, and is her adopted brother. 'Talk about a progressive family,' I thought to myself. After proper introductions it turned out the little guy was pretty cool. Then he almost trimmed my beard with fire.
After calming down from nearly getting a face full of green fire I found out the fire brought a letter, apparently from another Princess. “Well, I guess you don't need to worry about finishing those forms. Princesses Celestia and Luna also felt your entry to our world and want you on the first train to Canterlot in the morning.” I watched as Twilight's eyes moved rapidly across and down the letter, her face unreadable to me. “There's a P.S.! 'Enjoy the party responsibly. Both of you.'”
Could've swore I saw her blush a little as she read that.. .
Author's Note
First chapter of my first story, tagged 'mature, sex' because later chapters will likely end up there. WILL end up there I should say.
Anyhow, figured it was time there was a HiE fic in first person, second person can work but generally annoys me, so here it is, my first person HiE fic, hope you all like it.
Many thanks to Sneaky , for returning the favor of proofreading that I've been doing for him for a little while now. Be sure to check out 'Derpy's Protector' and 'Close Bonds' over on his page, good stuff for sure.
(EDIT; OK, so I decided to put in the proper style page breaks, and added one word to the final scene. Made it "After reading a few pages..." to better fit later context.)
Winging it With a Ukulele
Having a few hours before the party, and Celestia canceling the need for finishing the papers, we decided to have a late lunch. We Headed to a café near the market district, a small unassuming building with several small tables out front. It struck me as odd that there was no seating, but Twilight quickly floated over two bales of hay for Spike and I to sit on. As I was about to ask what she was going to sit on, a cream colored pony with slicked black hair rushed out with a large cushion in his mouth, and positioned it with considerable care at the table. “Thank you, sir. Today we will need a menu, my friend here is new in town,” she told the waiter. Before he left I could see, now that he didn't have a large cushion in his mouth, that he wore a thin mustache and only the collar and cuffs of a fancy shirt. No shirt body to keep it together, or to justify the presence of the parts.
While he was gone I turned to Twilight, “I guess he needs to get paid better, poor guy can't afford a whole shirt.”
“What? That's one of Rarity's more popular designs,” she said before seeing my smirk. “Oh, you're terrible,” trying her best to suppress a laugh, and glaring at Spike for failing to do so.
I smiled and laughed at their interaction, until I noticed her staring intently at my face. No, she was staring at my mouth, “What? Is there something stuck in my teeth?”
“Let me see them again,” she said. I quickly set about using my tongue to check for any debris before complying. Opening my mouth wide to let her see, I noticed several other ponies giving us awkward looks before I closed my mouth. “So, what is your species' typical diet?”
“Hah, well now, there is a question to which I will give a more specific answer than is requested.” I sighed, “I personally try to maintain a vegetarian diet when finances allow. And yes that does mean that 'other' stuffs are often more cost effective nutrition back home.” Looking around, I noticed several ponies eying me suspiciously, “I think it would be prudent to continue that particular topic away from your public.”
Giving a furtive glance around she said, “They can accept a dragon in their midst, but I think I see your point. So you're a vegetarian. By choice?”
“That's about the gist of it. Thank you sir,” I said taking the offered menu from the waiter. Looking at the menu a red flag popped up in my mind. “Where are the prices?” I asked, pointing at the menu.
“Ah, well this is one of the nicer places to dine in Ponyville, it is customary for such establishments to exclude the prices from the menu. To prevent customers ordering something less than they would be satisfied with because of the price,” she explained. At my incredulous look she continued, “This meal is from my personal funds, and I, Princess Twilight, am telling you to order that what is most appealing to you,” She finished with a firm look that brokered little argument.
“Alright, alright. Let's see,” I looked at the menu. Upon seeing a section for sandwiches I focused, 'onion, lettuce and daffodil?' I continued onward, 'spinach, dandelion and daisy?' This was starting to get weird. “I see a 'lettuce and tomato' sandwich available, could they add spinach?” I asked.
“I don't know why not? That actually sounds really good, think I'll order the same if that's what you're having,” she said with an approving smile.
Spike finally spoke up, “That does sound good.”
“Food is something I know pretty well, especially the tasty stuff. It's something we Texans pride ourselves on,” I explained with a slap of my belly.
“I'm sold. He can't be all bad, knowing tasty food so well,” Spike said to Twilight while pointing at me.
Observing my smile again, Twilight said, “I guess you're right Spike.” Turning to me she said, “You'll find the wine list on the back.”
Quickly closing the menu and flipping it I found something amazing. “The names are the same! Is the 'cabernet sauvignon' a dry red?” I asked excitedly.
“Most would describe it as 'dry,' yes,” she said with a quizzical look at me. “If you speak it's name so clearly, then how do you not know it?”
“I'm just making sure it is what I'm expecting, I am in a new world after all. Think I'll have a glass of that and some iced tea to drink.” As I turned to call the waiter over I was surprised to find him only inches away. “GAH!” I yelled as I fell from my hay bale.
“I take it you have our orders Bon?” Twilight asked the waiter, who nodded the affirmative. “Then we'll have our lunch, thank you sir.”
“Good at his job, isn't he?” I asked as I rose again to the table.
“Yes, and sufficiently paid as well,” she said, giving me a half teasing look.
“Well played, you might be catching on,” I replied with three slow claps.
“Don't smart-allek the smartest pony around,” she warned with a competitive grin.
“A battle of wits is most fun with one who is equally armed,” I smirked back at her.
“So you consider yourself my intellectual equal then?” she asked smiling a bit more.
“Roughly, based on what I've observed thus far,” I replied, smile still tugging at my cheeks.
“How is it you can speak so openly to royalty?” she asked with her smile now turning interested.
“Heh, well my country has done without royalty for almost two and a half centuries now. We even had a pretty big war to make the point clear that we didn't like our government being run by people appointed by birth. There was a lot more detail but that is the gist of it,” seeing her shocked look I saw fit to explain further. “What this means more recently is that, when royalty visit from foreign nations, we civilians treat them as equals for the most part. It's still like meeting someone famous, yeah, but nothing to get carried away over.”
“You had war to run royalty out of your country!” She nearly shouted.
“Whoa Nelly! I did not, my grandparents about ten or twelve generations back did. And they had good reasons too; unfair taxes, tariffs, laws with unreasonable fees and fines attached, criminal punishments far too severe for crimes far too insignificant. All that compounded by an undercurrent of religious oppression to boot,” I explained.
“Religious oppression?” she asked. “What do you mean by that?”
“That King George wanted to tax, and otherwise penalize, people for practicing religion in a way that he didn't see fit,” I explained. “It was more of a side note really, but people get all kinds of uppity about religion.”
“I mean, what does 'religious oppression' mean? 'Oppression' I understand, but 'religious,' what does that mean?” she asked. At my shocked and amazed expression she said, “Seriously, what does 'religious' mean?”
“Religion, the belief in and worship of a god or superhuman being. I guess it'd be 'super-pony' for you guys? Do you seriously not have religion here?” I was doing my level best to keep anything but curiosity off of my face.
“Well,” she paused with a hoof to her chin. “I'm not quite certain what you mean. I think that question would be best saved for Celestia and Luna when you meet them tomorrow.”
“Hmm, guess I'll take that as a good sign for now,” I said, not quite satisfied with the answer. At this time habit finally forced me to look at my watch, 1:34 pm. Suddenly I realized what a very vital piece of information that was, the measurement of time, “Hey Twilight, what's the local time?”
Pointing into the distance to my right, she said “Looks like about 2:45 in the afternoon. Pinkie's party for you is at ten, so we have just over seven hours to go.” Seeing me looking at my watch again she continued, “So, does that also translate? Like the wine?”
“Not so precisely, I'm about an hour and ten minutes slow it would seem, but I would like to ask, for sake of certainty, how is your time divided here? I'm used to sixty seconds per minute, sixty minutes per hour, twenty four hours per day, seven days per week, twenty eight to thirty one days per month and twelve months per year, is it the same here?” I asked.
Pausing to think for a moment, Twilight replied, “On minutes, hours, days, weeks and years, yes. Months however are thirty days, yours vary? Oh, and I guess I'll need to measure your watch's timekeeping, to ensure an accurate translation to our time system. Quite an interesting thought to bring up.”
“Well alright,” I said while removing my watch and handing it over. “Just make sure you get it back to me. Yes our months vary, I never can remember the little rhyme that kids are taught though. All but February are either thirty or thirty one days. February though, is twenty eight days, except every fourth year when it gains a day to keep the calendar in line with the seasons.”
As I explained the basics of the Gregorian calendar Spike was writing it down, knowing Twilight's focus was on the watch held between herself and the clock tower. “So why not change your seasons earlier to make the year three hundred and sixty days and avoid this complicated mess?” Spike asked.
“What? 'Change the seasons earlier,' how?” I asked as we looked at each other as if the other had just said one of the dumbest things ever.
“For accuracy's sake I'll need to check this again in the morning. Uh, what's going on?” Twilight asked, having missed the last piece of the conversation and now seeing two bipeds giving each other the strangest looks.
“He doesn't know how the seasons change,” Spike proclaimed pointing at me.
“Of course I do; as the earth revolves around the sun its tilted axis causes the northern and southern hemispheres to be heated differently, thus resulting in the weather patterns that make the seasons,” I explained. “How would you propose it should be done?”
“Wait, what? You don't control your weather? Your world is tilted? No magic users or fliers to correct these issues?” she asked too quickly to be answered. “Oh wait, you explained earlier your world's lack of magic.”
Thinking for a moment to put the answers in correct order, I rested my elbow on the table and my chin on my hand. “Hm, no, we can't control the weather, as a matter of fact there are a number of law suits almost every year where someone was fool enough to pay for a 'weather modification service.' Yes it is tilted, eighteen degrees as I recall. Fliers? You mean like, uh, Rainbow Dash?” I paused, she nodded. “No, we are quite incapable of flight without technological assistance.”
“Huh, we'll have to talk more about that later, but so you know, we have to actively change the seasons ourselves. Don't give me that look again, ours IS a world of magic. Ah, here comes our food,” she finished as the waiter came out with a trey on his back.
With deftness that I would never have expected in a thousand years the waiter deposited three plates, five drinks, silverware, napkins and a small vase of flowers on the table, everything landing exactly where it should. Looking at everything spread before us, I was reminded of my hunger. Clapping my hands in preparation I said, “Bon Appétit!”
“Something else monsieur?” The waiter asked.
I turned back to see him looking at me expectantly, “Hm? Oh, I guess some salt and pepper would be nice, thanks. What's your name by the way?” I offered my hand in greeting as I had done before.
“Bon Appétit,” he said, ignoring my hand.
“You already brought the food, I meant to ask your name,” I said. A restrained giggle coming out as a snort from Twilight drew my attention, “What'd I do now?”
Stifling some more giggles, the princess shed light on my confusion, “You just said his name, and immediately afterwards asked for his name.” At this time Spike joined in the laughter.
“Ah, sorry about that, 'Good Appetite,' my name's Hoyt, good to meet ya,” I said, again offering my hand in greeting, and getting another laugh from Spike. Looking at my hand, 'Enjoy Your Meal' turned up his nose and trotted back inside. “What's his problem?” I asked Twilight.
“Bon? He's always a little stuffy, but I think the problem here is that typically stallions are nowhere near as... Boisterous as you seem to make a point of being. Also shifting the butt of the joke to him probably didn't win you too many points,” she said with a slight smirk. 'That smirk keeps getting cuter... damn.'
Shaking my head I conceded, “Alright, fair enough.” Picking up my wine glass, I gave it a good look, deep red. The smell, just a touch of oak, and the standard bouquet I have come to expect from my favorite variety. Taking a generous sip I was again pleased; the flavor was perfect, exactly as dry as it should be, cool and warm at the same time. Ponies make some very good wine.
Just as I was about to swallow, Twilight voiced a rather sudden, and very unexpected question, “What's the gender distribution for humans on Earth?” At this time I learned firsthand that the childhood experience of snorting milk out your nose has two distinct differences when the milk is replaced by a strong wine; first, the alcohol that feels warm in the mouth or throat, burns in the sinus, second, the sinus absorbs alcohol presented in this fashion with incredible haste.
SNORT! GASP! COUGH, COUGH! Taking a few deep breaths, blowing my nose, and clearing my throat repeatedly, I finally recovered. “Please, please don't do that again.”
“I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to... is that?” she paused to look intently at my face, her own lighting up in realization, “Did you snort the wine out your nose?!” My response was to roll my eyes and nod as I used the napkin to clean my face of the red liquid. Spike fell off his hay bale from gales of laughter, while Twilight screwed her face up and pointedly focused on breathing deeply.
“Alright, alright, I'm going to return that favor. Just so you know, it's coming, and you won't know when,” I said, pointing a threatening finger at her. “Not during this meal though, revenge should be served slightly chilled. Anyhow, to answer your question, it's really close to an even split, one for one. Why do you ask?” Having recovered from my nasal ingestion of wine, I finally started in on the meal, it was a tasty sandwich.
Concealing the last of her smirk behind a hoof, she cleared her throat and rejoined the conversation. “Really? One for one, that's odd, we've got five to one. Uh, five mares to each stallion,” she clarified as she finished.
“Really? Huh, that must make for a wildly different social dynamic. Yet I've had no trouble talking with you or your friends. Spike seems like he'd fit in back home just as well as the rest of you would, provided you were humans of course. The only interaction I've had thus far that wouldn't easily file under 'amiable' would be that a few minutes ago with the garçon.”
“Garçon is the waiter over at 'The Gilded Bale' two blocks that way,” Spike declared.
Seldom have I face-palmed so hard before, “Really?”
“Yeah, pegasus, likes to show off by carrying up to twelve plates on his wings. Still can't get them through the door though,” Twilight chuckled. “Oh, back on topic though, um... consider your interactions so far. I think you'll find a few answers, but I want to hear your thoughts,” she said as she resumed eating with an interested look.
“OK, so that's how it is,” I said, and took another drink of wine while her mouth was full. “Let's see, the six of you that I met first, almost immediately openly friendly, all female. Oh, uh 'mares'?” I asked, she nodded yes in response. “All mares, all openly friendly, even though with various levels of reservation. Will move on for now to Spike; male, dragon, mid-childhood, raised by you, a pony. Initial reaction was surprise, followed closely by nearly equal acceptance as given by yourself and friends. Lastly we arrive here, at 'Café' with 'Enjoy Your Meal'; pony, stallion, adult, representing one sixth of the populace, initial reaction was to ignore me in favor of catering to the approaching princess, expected, further interaction revealed very little, until he did not appreciate my shifting a joke to him, more specifically his name, I can understand that though.” I sat stroking my beard for a moment while thinking and taking in a bit more of the meal. After finishing all but the last half of my wine, I continued my verbal thought process while sipping some of the best wine of my life. “All I can really conclude so far is a possibility that mares are more socially active, and given the sample size and circumstances I have to say it's a weak hypothesis at best. You mares have certainly been more friendly to me than most women back home now that I think about it.”
“Alright, we need to get you some more interactions in order to better discover the differences in our cultures. Applejack has a big family, and they are all friendly. And we can stop by Rarity's on the way, she'll probably insist on making you something for your meeting in Canterlot by the way.” She paused, looking me over. “Hopefully that won't take too long, we may end up going straight from there to the party. Then again, we could just use the party for social observations, would that bother you?”
“I'm easy,” I said with a shrug. When she raised an eyebrow at me I realized what I had said. “I mean that's fine. 'I'm easy' is just a saying that means either way is fine by me,” then I lowered my voice, “Of course, the other meaning may still apply,” I finished with a wink, and smiled at her blush.
Author's Note
Yep, first two chapters of my first story in the same day. These were already done, as I wanted to make sure I'd be able to continue this story before posting it to a destiny of cancellation.
Again many thanks go to Sneaky , he helped a lot with making sure this all flows well, and with thoughts for where future chapters are going to end up. Be sure to check out his stories, 'Derpy's Protector' and 'Close Bonds' even though the second one has less bondage than implied by its title. Just kidding, it has plenty bondage. Ok so there's not really any bondage, just go read a really good second person fic alright?
Winging it With a Ukulele
“Hey man, you mind? I'm sitting right here,” Spike complained as I smiled at a furiously blushing Twilight.
“Oh dude, sorry, total violation of bro-code,” I apologized to Spike. “We cool?”
“Yeah, just cut it with the mushy stuff in front of me.” Spike flicked his wrist to brush off the matter.
“Fair enough, fair enough. So, to Rarity's then?” I asked Twilight.
“Sure, um, Spike, mind going back to look after the library? We've had it closed for a pretty long lunch,” she asked him. By the looks of it, his jimmies were a little rustled by this.
“Well, alright, but if Sweetie Belle is there, do ya mind seeing if she wants to come hang out?” The dragon asked, somewhat put out.
“Sure thing Spike, as long as you two behave yourselves, and you know what I mean.” And the princess returns to brokering no argument.
“Wait, how old are you?” I asked Spike.
“Me? I'm fourteen. And before you ask, according to Twilight, yes it is 'that' age,” he replied.
“It's been that age for you since you started crushing ove-” Spike stopped her by pinching her lips shut, flashing me a nervous smile before turning to stare his sister in the eye. For a few minutes I watched as they engaged in the language of siblings, never really opening their mouths or talking, just stares, expressions, and rapid gesticulation. All I was really able to decipher was; Spike had a crush and may have dropped it, Twilight knew and had likely promised secrecy, Spike all but demanded continued secrecy, Twilight felt this foolish, then Spike looked to possibly be worried of the feelings of myself and someone not present, Twilight agreed to allow continued secrecy.
“So it's a settlement on continued secrecy on Twilight's part then, right?” I asked, smiling when they both looked at me, eyes wide in shock. “Let me explain, she had already gotten that 'crush' word out, which gave me a generous foundation from which to read your expressions. Spike, you seem worried about how I'd feel, don't worry about me. I cannot tell who the crush is or was but I will be talking with you about that later. Bro-code dictates I help you out if able, the delay is so I can figure out the social differences I need to adjust for, and then offer the best advice for how to win your special lady. Twilight, that you promised secrecy was pretty obvious, and you will be held to it.” As they stared at me, I decided to explain more of 'how' rather than the 'what' that I just had, “I have been reading people's facial expressions and body language all my life. Spike you have all the same body language cues, and most of the facial expressiveness of almost any guy I know back home. Twilight, most of your body language is lost on me, but not quite all, your mobile ears compensate for a lot of that.”
Twilight was first to respond, as Spike was confused as to being relieved or mortified. “Wait, so, um,” she said, pausing to straighten her thoughts. “If that is the rate at which you are able to gather information... That would actually explain quite a lot.”
“Before you go too far on that thought, I can indeed gather tremendous insight from watching others interact, especially good friends or siblings. Personal interactions myself, however, are actually slow to yield significant information beyond what is said, unless it is a close friend or someone I know very well. Friends are the best for watching as they are always the most inclined towards complete disclosure.” As I explained Twilight nodded along.
“That does explain quite a lot. Spike, you have any information to share that may improve the assistance you get later?” Twilight asked, giving the little guy a serious yet caring look.
Sighing, Spike deflated a bit, “I used to...” he hung his head and mumbled as he weakly raised a hand to almost point a direction. I tapped his shoulder and cupped a hand to my ear, he leaned closed and whispered “I used to like Rarity, but now I like her little sister, Sweetie Belle.” He barely even breathed the last part.
With the information in hand, it was time to give the little guy some grief, that is after all, how the bro-code works. Raising my voice for the hearing impaired, “OH, OKAY, SO THAT'S WHO YOU'VE GOT IN MIND!” Spike stared at me in terror, Twilight in shock, and what had to be a fair portion of Ponyville's population stared with varying degrees of shock and/or annoyance. It was all I could do to contain my laughter and explain, “I'm sorry little guy, I'm going to help how I can, but the price will be some teasing.” Stopping to breath I saw him turn serious, “Alright, I'm sorry, do expect more, but I won't be so loud with it.” Dropping my volume to just the table level, “Ok, further info time, do they know?”
“The older yes, the younger no,” Twilight filled in quietly, much to the dragon's annoyance. “You need the help, he needs to know so he can give the help.”
“So does she know about...” Spike asked, using some of that sibling language.
“Yes, but has decided not to share the knowledge, Hoyt here is the only help you're getting.” She indicated me as his only hope, she then stood, “I'm going to take care of the bill, you two get your details straight, then we are off for the day's business, sound good?”
“Sure,” Spike and I said together.
As she left the table I turned again to Spike, “So, one very important detail that I expect will be a key difference between our worlds, who makes the first move?”
His face reddened and his eyes darted about, “You heard her say there wasn't supposed to be any of that. ”
I sighed, realizing the question was not specific enough, “Which of you is supposed to ask the other out? Is it supposed to be you, or her? Or does it matter?”
“Oh, that , it's supposed to be her. Is it the other way on your world? The guy asks?” Spike paused, pondering this and what it implies. “That's just, weird.”
“It's not a hard set rule, but yeah the guy is generally expected to make the approach. Was half hoping that'd be the same here.” Realizing that I have been rather playfully flirtatious, I continued, “makes a lot of my behavior today quite odd, I'm sure.”
“So does that mean you can't help after all?” He asked with despair on his face.
“Not at all little dude, just an alteration of tactics,” I replied as Twilight came back to the table. Standing, I said, “Tactics that will, for the time being, no longer directly involve you. Don't worry though, I got your back.” Finishing I offered my hand in agreement.
Shaking my hand but giving me a dubious look, Spike said “Alright, but I'm not sure I like where this is going.”
“You two get a plan worked out already?” Twilight asked as she returned from inside.
“I think I've got a pretty good start. Also got a vital piece of information, that I need to talk to you a little about, that's unrelated. Well, not directly related.” She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow, so I continued, “Just means I need to explain something is all, nothing to worry about.”
“Every time I hear 'nothing to worry about' it's always about something to really worry about. So what is it?” She asked somewhat sternly.
“Nothing drastic, we can discuss it on the way to Rarity's,” I said, earning a deadpan look. “I'm serious, if anything I have far more reason to worry about it than you do.”
“Alright, fine. We'll talk on the way, but it better not be anything to worry about,” she declared.
“It isn't,” I told her. Turning to Spike, I said “By the way, in general be nice, and don't rush anything, trust me.”
“OK, I'll keep that in mind, thanks. Catch you guys back at the library later,” Spike said as he left, heading back the way we came.
Twilight sighed and watched as he left. “Are you sure?” she asked without turning her head. After a brief pause she continued, “Are you sure that you can help him? I just want to see him happy, and Rarity wants the same for Sweetie. We're sure they would get along fine, but how can you be sure of your ability to help?”
I smiled at the look on her face, one so seldom seen among humans; love, pure and true, unblemished, untainted, love. Is this a dream? And if this much love can exist here, do I really want to wake up? My trance was broken as she turned to me with those big eyes suddenly curious, “Why are you looking at me like that?"
I scratched the back of my head and chuckled somewhat nervously in response to the sudden presence of my old friend, awkward. Thought I'd left that bastard behind in high school, but nope, little fuck had to come find me in a different world altogether. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and finally spoke, “Sorry about that, it's just the way you were looking at Spike. Love that strong is incredibly rare to see among humans, kind of caught me off guard.” Her cheeks reddened and she started to look flustered. She started to talk but I cut her off, “It's a good thing, he's damn lucky to have a sister like you. Now, am I sure I can help the two little lovebirds make a connection? I'll just say I've helped guide a few such pairs together before. Shall we walk as we talk?” I asked, motioning for her to lead.
“Alright, I'll trust you. I just can't help but worry about him though, and Sweetie,” she said as we left the restaurant. “Oh, right, what was this 'nothing to worry about' you mentioned? You said it was vital information, but not to worry, how can it be both?”
“I guess you have a point there. It's vital to me and you don't need to worry, is what I should have said. To the point however, Spike told me that here it is typically supposed to be the mare that makes the approach to initiate a relationship, is that right?” I asked.
Her wings twitched slightly, and her gait stiffened a little for only a short moment. 'I wonder how expressive the wings are supposed to be?' I thought to myself.
“Oh, um, that. Y-yes, that is normally how relationships are started here. I take it your world is different?” she asked looking back at me, I answered by pointing right with my left hand, and left with my right. “Really? I mean, it's not unheard of for a stallion to make the first move, but it is generally considered strange. Wait, if roles are reversed in your world, does that mean you um...?”
“And we arrive at the 'explaining' I was talking about. I had no idea that the roles were reversed between our worlds. As for how I've acted, especially towards yourself and Rarity? It's kind of, but not completely, a defense mechanism for me to be playfully flirty with a girl who acts friendly to me. I do this because when I was younger and a girl would talk to me, I'd get awkward and they'd leave before I got to know them past 'hello.' Fast forward a few years and I started acting more brash and cocky, this only worked sometimes, and I learned quite a bit as I earned a few friends. Further on I started observing how people flirt, and how girls reacted in particular. Trying this myself I found a few more girls calling me friend, but almost all of them were already spoken for... except this one girl, June, she was a lesbian, embarrassed the hell out of me. June however, was one of the best people I could meet for what I was trying to do. She helped immensely by teaching me more directly how to flirt, and how to pick out the personalities that would be most receptive to my efforts. So with this knowledge I met a few more women, had greater success in that they knew what I was getting at, and learned a fair deal more about the fairer sex. Now to the topic of the hour, my behavior with yourself and Rarity. Firstly, you two, according to my analysis, fit the personality types to which I am attracted, and secondly ranked just way too high on my cute-ometer.” At this point Twilight blushed so hard it threatened to take over her whole face, requiring that I comment, “That blush is not reducing your score by the way. But I should at this point explain what 'cute' is for a human, as it actually registers on a biological level, even with two main types of 'cute' to be had. The first is the type of cute that affects all humans, that of a child; the head is large in proportion compared to the body, the eyes round and curious, the face is also round, the nose small, and a typical expression of joy across the face. These characteristics naturally inspire a protective mode of thought, and a desire to bring more joy and happiness. The second type of 'cute' is that which primarily affects men, that of attraction, or what a man is inclined to seek in a mate, a man looks for; large eyes, slight eyebrows, delicate features, short stature, slender shoulders, slim build, even complexion, and a little bit of the other 'cute' doesn't hurt. With that said, I will point out now that you ponies have almost all of these characteristics for the most part, and facial structures that also translate quite well. So to your most recent question, am I... interested? Maybe, I mean, you fit almost all requirements for cuteness, but your personality is the main draw, yet your physiology is a bit of a hurdle for my mind which has a very specific genetic code driving it.”
“So I'm mentally 'cute' but not physically 'cute'? I'm not sure I understand,” the princess replied.
I decided at this point to explain further, “You are, to me, psychologically and physically 'cute', but not physiologically cute.” I paused, realizing what I had said, “That actually made no sense whatsoever...”
“Actually it made perfect sense, attraction is determined on multiple levels: the active mind, the subconscious mind, and the biological drive determined by genetic code.” I was dumbfounded as she made sense out of my poorly worded simplification of her cuteness.
“So it did make sense, just not the way I said it,” I said, as she beamed with pride. “Another question comes to mind, have I possibly been offensive? Having openly flirted with you and Rarity.”
“No, it's fine, would that get you in trouble on Earth?” she asked.
“Generally, yes. It would however depend on who I was flirting with, and who else was around. Like with Spike earlier, but that's a low level offense resolved by immediate apology and cessation of flirtation. Far more worrisome is the classic protective older brother, especially those that act friendly, unreadable. Another source of trouble is the meddlesome sister, trying to interfere with a relationship's development and generally pushing things along at an uncomfortable rate. One of the worst however has to be the overbearing mother, casting constant judgment and ever unsatisfied regardless of their child's choice in suitor. I have seen 'fillers' for most of these, or someone not actually related playing the same role.” We kept walking forward, but her expression had gone rigid, left ear twitching, and wings fluttering. I knew enough to tell that this spelled 'nervous' loud and clear. “Let me guess, you've got the whole family pack?”
She answered with nothing more than a nervous chuckle. “So that would be a yes then, good times.” I reassured her as best I could with a smile. Stopping she turned to give me a look typically reserved for someone on their deathbed, unphased by my attempted cheer. “That bad huh? Let me guess, the other two princesses and say, the captain of the royal guard?” How she managed to drop her jaw so low I'll never know, but she stood there still as any statue, wings slumped to the ground. 'one of two things has happened; either I've offended her so greatly she cannot calculate a response, or the universe hates me even more here, and Murphy is a son of a bitch. Plan of action, apologize in case the prior is true, and hope like fuck the latter isn't.' “Um, look, I really am sorry for offending you like that. I really didn't mean to imply your fellow princesses would be mean or hurtful in any way, and I'm sure the captain is a stand-up guy respected by all,” I pleaded, doing my best to repair the bridge I may have burnt.
After one of the longest awkward waits I've experienced in years, her jaw and wings slowly returned to their normal positions. Eventually the corners of her mouth pulled up, and something that resembled laughter started to emanate from her. As the laughing started to gain volume, her wings spread wide and high. Those wings were the single greatest display of beauty, grace, elegance and power that I had ever bore witness to. My body was rapidly preparing to enter 'fight or flight' mode, but just before I was going to take off running like a bitch, I picked up on a critical detail; mirth. She was laughing joyously, not maliciously. My heart steadily backed down from maxing out, and my thoughts returned from considering the easiest route of escape. Finally she managed, through fading laughs, “Oh, oh my, I haven't laughed that hard in too long. When did Pinkie Pie get you that information? And how did you manage to pass it off so smoothly?” She asked, still struggling to swallow the last of her giggles.
“Do what?” Was all that I could manage.
“Ha! You can drop the act now. So, seriously, when did, maybe it wasn't Pinkie, when were you told about that?” She asked, still smiling at me. Her smile quickly started to fade, however, when she saw that I was still simply shocked. “What's wrong?”
“Um, that really was a wild guess. Seriously, the other two princesses and the captain of the royal guard?” I asked to be sure of how fucked I was.
“Two of the other princesses, there's four of us. And my brother Shining used to be the captain of the guard,” she said before robbing me of my relief. “That was until he married Princess Cadence, who fits the 'sister' category you mentioned. I should probably also mention that Celestia has been my mentor since I was a filly. At least you won't have to worry about Luna,” she offered hopefully.
I finally realized how stupid I'd been, it wasn't like I had ask her for a lay, or even considered the possibility. I shook my head and laughed a bit myself. Looking back up at her, those wings caught my eye again, still spread wide and high. “Your wings are beautiful,” I felt myself say, right before their owner snapped them back to her sides, snapping me out of a trance I hadn't noticed I'd been in. Seeing her face again I noticed it'd gone as red as a fire engine.
“Oh, look, there's Rarity's boutique, let's get ourselves inside. Whadayasay?” she blurted before taking off at a speed I could never have hoped to match. Luckily she didn't go too far before running into a large round house with white paint and purple roofing.
Stepping onto the porch, I cautiously knocked on the door. After a moment, Rarity answered the door, looking at me, and then back towards the stairs. She returned her gaze to me, looking impressed, “Whatever you said, darling, you said it right.”
Author's Note
Ok, so here it is, chapter three, expect a slightly longer wait for the next to be possible, if not likely. I thought a certain gag thrown in to this one to be a bit hamfisted but my proofreader like it and so it stayed, make a guess at which gag that was. There was minor concern about some characterization, but I think that where there is no cannon reference there is a little room to play.
Feel free to comment, as a matter of fact please do. and be sure to check out Sneaky's stories, on which I've been helping. Though more recently 'throwing thoughts at' would be a more apt description of my related activities. Thank you all for the warm response I seem to have gotten.
Winging it With a Ukulele
A small sign over the door read 'Carousel Boutique' as I looked in at Rarity and the stairs. The foyer was modest, but nicely decorated, and a flowery smell hung about. Stepping in so the door could close, Rarity spoke before I could ask about the evasive purple princess. “So tell me darling, what brings you here? A fitting, or would you rather just visit?” She bounced her mane with a hoof, and swished her tail about, looking at me with eyes a half step away from 'bedroom.'
“Well, we were coming to see about some clothes, as I'll need something clean to wear tomorrow, but I gotta ask, is Twilight OK?” I asked, hoping not to be hurtful in being cold towards her advances.
The white unicorn smiled warmly at my concern, “She'll be fine, and by the sound of it drying, when she comes back down. Should leave us twenty minutes to ourselves, we don't have to get straight to the fitting.” Her smile turned coy and she winked before turning to sashay into what I could only assume to be the fitting room. 'No two ways about it, she knows exactly what she's doing.'
I followed and found that the room was most of the ground floor. Several areas along the round outer wall serving different purposes, mostly displaying assorted types of craft or styles of dress. Rarity beckoned me over to a small round dais near the far corner of the room. “So, starting out by putting me on display, huh?” I teased as I approached. I was rewarded with a coquettish smile.
“Actually, this is just where I do all of my measuring darling. Although your idea does sound much more entertaining,” she explained with a devious grin. Stepping up on the 'display' my hat only just scraped the ceiling. “Oh, dear, that'll never do. I guess it will just have to be done on the floor then.” This made me chuckle at what she didn't really mean to imply, which got a giggle out of her.
Stepping down again, I leaned close and lowered my voice in volume and tone, “Where I'm from, that is normally saved for at least the third date.” Rarity stood frozen for a moment, turning red with a blush that ignored the typical boundaries of the face. It was about halfway through my sentence that the back door opened, followed by the entrance of a small white unicorn that bore a distinct resemblance to the one immediately in front of me.
Turning quickly and losing her blush almost fast enough to be forgotten, “Sweetie Belle!? What are you doing back so early? I expected you to be out with your friends for another hour or so, playing in that clubhouse, is something wrong?” Rarity gradually went from a surprised start, to calm, and then finally settled on mild concern for her sister.
After giving her older sister a funny look, Sweetie Belle explained, “What? No, nothing's 'wrong,' we just wrapped up early today is all. Scootaloo wanted to go hang out with Rainbow Dash, and Applebloom had chores to do. What's that?” she asked, pointing a small hoof at me.
“Sweetie Belle, don't be rude! This is Mister Hoyt, and he's from another world,” said Rarity with a surprisingly casual tone. “Now if you'll excuse me, I do believe I should go check on Twilight.” With that said, Rarity bolted for the stairs, her steps very audible through the floor. Sweetie Belle and I stood there as we heard the rapid steps move across the upper floor, a couple of doors opened and quickly shut, and a surprised scream from Twilight, followed briefly by a yelp from Rarity, and some final rustling steps before things calmed down.
“What was that about?” Sweetie Belle asked no one as she stared at the ceiling.
“Oh, nothing I'd expect you need to worry much over.” Nonchalantly dismissing the young girl's concern, I then turned to her and asked, “So you're Sweetie Belle then, I take it?” She looked strangely at me and nodded. Crouching low in a kneeling position, I leaned just a little closer and continued, “If I remember right, Twilight had a request for you. Hm, we had just sent Spike back to the library...” I scratched at my chin as if trying to remember something.
“Ooh, ooh! Did she say I could go? Did she?” the young unicorn asked excitedly, making me work hard to keep a neutral face.
“Oh right! She was going to see if you might be able to help him out over there. He sure must be happy to have a pretty young lady like yourself coming over to help out. Right?” I asked with the kind of teasing yet warm smile that my dad used to give me when I was just a kid and had a crush on some girl.
“Um, I don't know...” she replied rather weakly.
“Well, if you don't know about his feelings, have you tried to find out?” I asked, not bothering with whether or not she had similar feelings for the reptile, as her feelings were obvious.
“What?! How would I do that? I mean, wait, why would I want to know about his feelin's?” she asked, giving me a skeptical look.
'Oh, she is good. But still, I am better. I've been on her end of this game, she hasn't been on my end.' I gave an exaggerated shrug of my shoulders, holding my palms up to indicate my lack of possible offerings and said “Oh, I don't know for sure. I'm just saying that if I were his age, and sent to watch over a library, I'd be pleased as punch to have a pretty young filly like yourself for company. That's all I'm sayin'.” I finished with my right hand spread over my chest and offering something that would look like a 'duck face' if it weren't for my mustache. 'Hopefully she can't catch on to theatrics too easily... I may have laid that on a touch thick.'
“You may just have a point,” she said, again looking at me suspiciously. “Alright, you tell Rarity that I'm gone to the library when she gets out of the cold shower Twilight was taking!” She then dashed out the door, leaving me dumbfounded. 'One of these days, I might actually get a fucking clue... Wait a second, they're both in a cold shower?!? Guess I'm better than I thought.'
I couldn't help a prideful chuckle at myself as I waited for the 'grown-up' ponies to return.
After a short wait, the two mares came downstairs and into the room where I waited. Rarity had her mane and tail wrapped in towels, her mane somehow stacked like a tower atop her head. Twilight's mane and tail were dangerously distracting, not wet but moist and clinging to her face, neck and legs. It was difficult but I managed to strangle my reaction to the princess's appearance down to a single raised brow.
Rarity looked at me, confused at my expression. “Where is Sweetie Belle?” she asked worriedly as she noted the younger unicorn's absence.
Carefully choosing my words I replied “I sent her, as per royal request, to the library. By now she should either already be there, or is knocking on the door as we speak.” I gestured towards Twilight to indicate her involvement.
Rarity had plenty to say, but held herself until Twilight spoke. “Hoyt here learned through conversation about Spike's feelings, and offered to help him. Given what I have learned so far about his abilities and tendencies, I have no reason to doubt the accuracy of his statement, aside from the 'royal request' part.” the princess gave me a look that would wither flowers. “Most likely, he spoke with Sweetie, gathering information about her feelings towards Spike, before sending her off to the library with the intentions that the two may initiate courtship.”
“The fair princess has identified and analyzed my cunning plan with astounding accuracy. She does indeed speak the truth, both of my actions and intentions. I do pray thou wilt forgive me if mine actions have offended thee, Fair Lady Rarity,” I said while giving as dramatic a bow as I knew, with both hands outstretched, palms forward, and head down.
“And he's a total ham if you haven't figured that out for yourself,” Twilight said rather flatly, even though the corners of her mouth threatened to turn upwards.
“HA! OK, you caught me, fair and square, Twilight. Yes Rarity, I did indeed send your sister to the library with potential lines of thought likely to lead towards a courtship between the two. And I did plant the seeds of these thoughts through calculated actions of my own. And with the exception of 'royal request' I have told no lies to you regarding my discussion with Sweetie Belle. My only intention was to get two young lovebirds who were crushing over each other to act on their own existing emotions,” I explained, now sitting on the floor.
Rarity looked to be undecided between slapping me, thanking me, or some other course of action that likely included beating me shitless. To my great relief she opted against the first and last options, and decided to shock both Twilight and myself, “But, Sweetie doesn't have feelings for Spike.” It came out in a flat tone, one that would imply no other potentiality was possibly true.
“Um, hate to tell you, but she has it as bad or worse for him, as he does for her,” I said with a grimace, awaiting whatever beating the diva may be able to dish out. None came, however, as she stared at me with a deadpan expression of disbelief.
“Really? Her too?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Yeah, she is crushing all over that little guy. If they don't have a date set up yet I'd be mighty surprised myself. The way she acted when I mentioned that he was alone at the library... No two ways about it, they both got the love bug in a bad way. Just hope those 'wings of love' can figure out how to take off and fly,” I said somewhat thoughtfully.
“Wait, let me get this straight, Spike stopped crushing on me, and that transferred to Sweetie?” Rarity asked, answered by nods from Twilight and myself. “And Hoyt here caught on to this and offered to help get the two together?” Again we nodded in affirmation. “And Sweetie Belle has a crush on Spike as well?” I nodded, smiling now. “And you sent my sister to the library, with notions of ending this cycle of perceived unrequited love?” She asked me directly.
“That is the gist of it, yes.” I smiled and nodded. Then a realization struck, and so I continued, “I do hope I haven't overstepped any proprieties, have I?”
“No, it's fine. I'm just... shocked is all. How could Sweetie hold a crush without me knowing about it? Her own sister! Does she not trust me? What has Equestria come to? When a filly cannot confide in her sister! This is THE WORST POSSIBLE THING! ” She exclaimed, throwing herself onto a nearby sofa, with a hoof to her forehead. I quickly had to force my gaze away as her position put far more on display than would be considered polite for a man to look upon, especially with another friend present.
“Rarity, it's not that bad. I mean she's your little sister after all, she probably just prefers to talk to friends her own age about that kind of thing. I know I never really talked with Shiny or Cadence about stuff like that when I was her age,” Twilight said, trying to comfort her sprawled friend. Rarity rolled herself upright and we both looked at the princess expecting further explanation. “OK, so back when I was in Celestia's school, there was this colt I had started to notice walking to the private school a few blocks away. I never got to speak with him, but saw him walking there each morning, and home in the afternoon. I realized I had a crush on him when I caught myself stopping at a window in the hall to watch him walk to his school, then I was... late to class. The only time I was ever late to a class was because I had to stop at a window and ogle this colt who I'd never know. It was then that I made myself stop watching, and eventually my crush faded.” Twilight wore a wistful look as she finished, a slight smile tugging at her lips.
“That simply will not do darling, come on, details, did you ever learn his name?” Rarity asked, eyes wide and hooves clapping.
“Actually, I did, just a year ago. Remember the garden party we crashed?” Rarity now looked shocked, but nodded for Twilight to continue. “I didn't recognize him at the time, but Celestia knew, and sent a letter asking if anything happened between myself and Fancy Pants.” The fashionista's jaw almost fell to the sofa she sat on, while I had to bite my hand to keep from exploding with laughter.
“Your foalhood crush was Fancy Pants? The Fancy Pants?” Rarity asked, scandalized shock across her face.
A snort of a laugh forced its way out of me, earning a curious look and a mild smile-tinged glare. “Yes, the Fancy Pants, and yes that is seriously his name, no need for hysterics,” Twilight said, first to Rarity and then to me with a roll of her eyes.
The alabaster diva turned to question me, “Why would a name like 'Fancy Pants' be so entertaining? Your own name being so similar to that of Hoity Toity.” Suddenly all the laughter in me died a quick and merciless death. Almost two whole decades since I managed to forget that name, even my dad had stopped using it to tease me.
“Seriously? 'Hoity Toity'? Please tell me you're joking,” I requested, but was answered by a pair of curious looks. “Ugh, when I was a little kid, in kindergarten, that was a name other kids would tease me with. But then again, after thirty or so lost the resulting fights with me, they kinda ran out of motivation to tease me, something about teasing the guy with a perfect win record just isn't appealing,” I explained, now getting a shocked look. “I had an Irish temper as a kid, but that was over twenty years ago now. So for real, is that an actual name here?” They were both shocked, and the pause grew awkward.
Rarity finally broke the silence, graciously answering my question and turning the conversation, “Yes darling, it is, he is actually a good friend of Fancy Pants, and both are well respected among Canterlot's high society. Speaking of which, is your current attire...” She paused before grinning and finishing her question, “Well, are you wearing your 'fancy pants'?” The white unicorn barely fought down a bout of giggling laughter as she delivered a joke so cheap I would have thought twice.
Twilight tried to shoot her friend a scandalized look, but the laughter obviously in her eyes made it a funny face that got Rarity to forget her reservations and laugh in earnest. I caught up with the pun about this time and was glad to be sitting on the floor already. The princess, for her part maintained far more modesty in her giggles before finally scolding, “Rarity! A pun? How could you?” Though the impact was lost to the smile and laughs still coming from her.
“Ow, my sides hurt! That was way funnier than it should have been,” I said, clutching my ribs. Taking a few deep breaths to calm myself, I stood and walked over to a mirror I had spotted near a rack of dresses on oddly shaped hangers. Looking at my reflection I was glad that laundry day was approaching, leaving mostly my nicer clothes. I was not wearing anything that would pass for fancy: the less scuffed of my pairs of work boots, socks that could still be called 'newish,' khaki cargo pants free of grease or paint stains and untorn, plain striped button-up shirt with short sleeves, and my handy collapsible faux-straw fedora. Only the button-up shirt would pass for 'almost formal' and that only just. Noticing that my beard and hair had grown out a bit long, obscuring my neck in the front and back, an interesting thought came to mind. “Twilight, how 'dressed' is one expected to be for meeting royalty here?” I asked, looking at her through the mirror while smoothing the front of my shirt.
“Not sure if you've noticed, Hoyt, but 'dressed' at all is generally more than we ponies do. So is it safe to assume that your kind don't consider clothing optional?” She asked, and I would have snickered, but for the first part of her statement. 'How the hell have I not noticed that?' Seeing the shock evident on my face, she concluded, “I'll take that to mean that clothing is required then.”
“I'll just ignore that for now to process it later,” I said, shaking my head to return to the previous line of thought. “Though I guess that does make things a little easier,” I paused as I noticed three sewing machines in a corner near a rack filled with large bolts of cloth. Stepping closer I noticed that only one was positioned for use, and the other two had signs of disuse. “Rarity, might I ask about your sewing machines?”
“Hm? Sure, I guess, what would you like to know?” she replied.
“Just curious if there is anything wrong with those two,” I said, pointing at the two against the wall.
“Oh, those old things, that one was my first, so I can never bring myself to get rid of it, even if it is broken,” she said somewhat somberly as she pointed to the one with some dust gathered on it. “And this one broke down some time ago, and I've been too busy to get it repaired or hauled away.”
“Mind if I try to fix them?” I offered. She looked at me like I had grown a second head, so I continued, “I have some skill with repairing machines, and I have worked on a few sewing machines in the past. Also this would be a way for me to pay for the clothes.”
“Darling, I can't expect you to pay for a gift,” she retorted with a serious expression.
“Ma'am, I can't accept a gift without giving in kind,” was my rebuttal.
“Since you put it that way, fine,” she ceded. “But, are you sure I can't choose some other gift?” she asked with a flutter of her long eyelashes and a sly smile.
I chuckled at this, and knelt back down to almost eye level with her. Leaning forward and lowering my tone I replied, “Third date,” giving her a wink and a waggle of my eyebrows. The same blush from earlier came back with a vengeance, as much fun as this was though, there was some work to be done. “Miss Rarity, if you don't mind, I think we will have to set this game aside for the time being, or neither of us will get anything done,” I said in a much more serious yet casual tone.
With surprising speed her blush faded and she took a few calming breaths. “Yes, you are right, even if it is fun, we have some work to do,” she finally said, straightening herself and taking a professional tone. “If you don't mind, I will take your measurements over by the platform, and we can discuss what will work best for you to wear at the same time.”
“Ah yes, as there is a fair bit to talk about regarding that: fabric type, color choice, pattern or print? All those things to work out,” I noted aloud as we walked to the measuring area. Twilight and I shared a smile as Rarity seemed fit to burst with pride at the prospect.
After some deliberation we managed to settle the details and exchanged the necessary information to complete each of our tasks. As I worked on the sewing machines, Twilight watched in fascination while I unfolded my pocket pliers and set to the task of disassembly of the older machine first. And so a couple of hours passed with little conversation as Rarity worked with a tack tack tack tack from her machine, and an occasional click or creak sound coming from the two machines that I was working on.
Author's Note
A page break that isn't the beginning or end of a chapter? I guess I still can manage that sometimes... As always feel free to comment, tell me what you think. Probably rewrote this one at least five times as I decided that I didn't like how one spot sounded or flowed, still not as good as i'd like but passable for now.
and as always extra thanks go to Sneaky for proofreading this, and making sure i don't look like a grade 'a' jumbo jackass. be sure to check out his stories
Winging it With a Ukulele
After some time, I had managed to get the newer of the machines working by removing the service panels and clearing a nasty jam of thread and fibers. As Rarity paused in her work to check the renewed functionality of the machine, I set to carefully work on the other, using a couple small scraps of cloth to clean as I went, and spread light oil where needed. Correcting a few internal adjustments that controlled stitch length and the pressure on the feed dog, I was almost able to get it working like my own Singer machine back home, but there was still a rough sound and slight binding. “Ah, here it is, worn bearing allowing excessive slack in the input shaft,” I said, pointing into the access hole at the offending part.
“Well now, aren't you the crafty one,” Rarity said, walking over to see as I wiggled the drive wheel.
“If you had another old machine I could probably salvage the part from it,” I thought aloud, as I looked at the bolts that would allow the part's removal.
“Actually I just got done finding the 'replacement parts' order form,” Twilight said, surprising us both. “Wouldn't that be better than a used part?” she asked from near a small open file cabinet.
“Heh, sorry, old habit. I generally look for the least expensive method first, which for sewing machines has typically been salvage back home,” I said, scratching my neck with a nervous chuckle.
“Really? Wouldn't new parts make for a longer lasting repair, Thus reducing the eventual cost of upkeep?” Twilight posed.
“True, but I am also used to working on stuff that needs to be in working order before new replacements can be shipped in,” I explained.
“Then I guess that makes sense,” the princess replied with a thoughtful nod.
“Well then, if you two can make sense of this diagram, then let me know how much the part is going to cost,” Rarity said, eying the chart on the back of the form. “And, if you don't mind, it would be easier to make your new shirt using the old one as a pattern.”
At this I gave her a teasing smile before starting to unbutton my shirt. “We did set that game aside, didn't we?” I asked, getting a giggle from Twilight and blush from Rarity. “Sorry, couldn't help myself, I'll stop teasing,” I said with a smile as I removed my shirt.
As I held the shirt towards the fashionista, I noticed that both ponies were now staring at me. Rarity, in front of me, was staring at my chest. Twilight, to my right, was staring very intently at my shoulder. 'Why would my shoulder be catching her gaze? Wait, right shoulder, fuck.' After a pause that was just about to reach awkward, both of them started to speak at once, “Is that-” they looked at each other, and Twilight motioned for her friend to speak first. “Is your, coat, supposed to look like that?” the unicorn asked.
“Huh? You mean my body hair?” I asked, running a hand across my chest for emphasis. Answered by a nod, I continued, “Well, yeah, though I have a fair bit more than most guys.” Turning to Twilight, I decided to cut her question off at the pass, “That mark is a tattoo, the symbol has to do with what we discussed earlier, that I'll be asking Princess Celestia about.”
“Tattoo? So, is that like a cutie mark?” the purple princess asked, getting Rarity's attention on my arm as well.
“What exactly is a 'cutie mark'?” I asked, now quite curious.
Looking surprised at my question, she explained, “A cutie mark is the mark that appears on a pony's flank when they find their special talent.” Turning broadside to me she lifted her near wing and pointed with a forehoof to her hip, or 'flank' as it is apparently called here, where she had a pattern of stars, five small white ones around a larger pink one with additional white points. Rarity copied this motion, obviously without the need to move a wing, and pointed to her own mark of three blue gemstones. Seeing my piqued curiosity, Twilight continued, “My talent is magic, and Rarity's is fashion.”
“How have I failed to notice those?” I asked, thinking to myself 'Damn my chivalrous upbringing.' “So when you figure out your talent, you get this 'cutie mark'?” They both nod, so I ask further, “Then that brings up two questions; How do you sort out what that talent is? And how do you get that mark applied in a way that shows through your fur?”
Twilight was the one to answer, “Well, finding your special talent is a magical moment in a pony's life, so the answer to both questions is magic. So this 'tattoo' is not like a cutie mark, is it natural or something?”
“No, it isn't natural, actually I chose this a few years back and had it done. This is the result of several thousand minuscule injections of pigment just under the skin's surface. Been meaning for a while to get another to cover this one up, it doesn't really hold the same meaning it once did.” As I explained how I got the tattoo, Twilight flinched slightly at the mention of injections while Rarity seemed thoughtful.
The princess's expression turned to slight worry though, “So it's permanent? Why would you have it done then, without being certain?”
“Well, I could answer that by yammering about philosophy, or I could tell you the honest truth,” I said, eying her with a half smile. “I was, once upon a time, young and stupid ,” I finished with a soft chuckle, and sighed.
As I saw Twilight's face turn to a soft smile, Rarity spoke up with her own question, “So these pigments, would they be akin to cosmetics?” She raised an eyebrow and asked further, “Or common ink?”
“Well, their use in tattooing would file them under 'cosmetic,' however, I can't really say for sure what category would more appropriately fit. As I recall, most traditional tattoo inks were made from different sorts of ash or coal, but modern pigments like this I really can't say for certain,” I answered to the best of my knowledge.
“I think I know what you're getting at Rarity. Hoyt, would you mind if I try a spell on you? It might help me to settle this quandary, and I may be able to remove the mark if you wish,” asked Twilight with a curious eye.
“Wait a minute, spell? You mean like ma- eheh, sorry, you guys do have magic.” Breathing a heavy sigh, I continued, “If I'm going to be stuck here, that is going to take a lot of getting used to. Back on earth, magic is the stuff of fiction, fantasy stories where the dashing hero must get help from the hermit wizard of the high mountain to rescue his fair maiden from yon castle tower. Magic, and anything called magic gets a reflex response of disbelief and skepticism, from adults. I say this so you understand my difficulty here. Please do explain what you have in mind though, I really would like to know.” As I returned from my unintended distant stare out the window, I looked to see Twilight tapping a hoof to her chin as if in thought.
“We have books like you describe as well, but a small few of them are actual history, sounds kinda cheesy the way you say it though,” she said with a small smile. “Anyhow, as my special talent is magic, I have a wide range of spells. A few of these are medical spells, a few cosmetic, and several others because I like to be prepared for all situations. What I would like to try first is simple levitation, to see if you are affected by magic with the least chance of any ill effects,” the princess explained.
“Sorry, but I'm not entirely comfortable with 'least chance of ill effects,' that's a bit scary really,” I said, trying to keep my tone away from 'creeped out.'
“Oh! No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that there should be little cause for concern, given your similar body mass, and mammalian nature. For the most part you don't seem that different from us,” she quickly replied.
I cast her a critical eye before saying, “OK, I'll bite, but I definitely prefer the side of caution when attempting otherwise impossible things.”
“Ahem, not to be rude, but you can give me the shirt now, and I'll have the new one done by the time you two have this figured out,” Rarity interrupted with a smile.
“Ah, sorry, here you go,” I said holding out the shirt once more, then stopped when I noticed that I had apparently wrung it through my hands wrinkling it. “Heh, let me straighten it a bit,” I continued as I took the shirt between my hands and flagged it a bit to smooth it back out somewhat.
As Rarity took the shirt in her magic, I noticed the sound of hers was more quiet than Twilight's had been, and the glow was blue. 'Interesting, different pony, different sound and color of magic, will have to see if I can observe more of this.' She started to turn to her machine, but stopped and looked at Twilight, “Darling, did you say you have medical magic?” she asked contemplatively.
“Yeah, I did. Oh, I know what you're thinking, no, I started learning those spells because of Rainbow's accident. Thought it'd be nice to actually be able to help if something happened again. 'Better safe than sorry,' right?” The princess replied, with a hoof to her neck.
Something about this tidbit made me look more appreciatively at the purple mare. As I looked at her face I saw care, compassion, and a little bit of the love I had noticed before.
“Too true darling,” Rarity said with an approving nod, before turning to sashay over to her work area with far more flare than needed, swinging her tail widely in a way I found difficult to ignore.
Twilight cleared her throat, when I turned she was wearing a smirk and raising an eyebrow. 'Shit, I was just caught twice, wasn't I?' “So, you're certain that this is safe? Never thought I would get to add 'lab rat' to my list of previous experiences,” I said, hoping for success at diverting the conversation back to where it belongs, or at least where it was before.
The bell like giggle of the princess told me I had failed. “Well, I would normally object to that term, but it does almost fit. I mean, you are almost pale enough, but you don't have a long tail to complete the image,” she teased, having to suppress a laugh at my mock insulted look. “OK, seriously though, I am certain that, at worst, no lasting harm will be done,” she offered with a confident smile.
“No lasting harm?” I asked with a smile tugging at my cheeks and a playfully accusing tone.
“Hey, as long as Pinkie isn't around to throw off my aim, there really is very little that could go wrong,” Twilight defended. “Besides, I should be able to easily reverse any adverse effects, I keep counter-spells available for all of my magic.”
“Alright, if we're going to do this, best to get it over with,” I said, shaking my head and taking a seat on the measuring platform. 'Why the hell am I giving in so readily to magic? Couldn't be all those anime cartoons, could it? Nah.' “Guess we'll start with a hand? Also, you sure you can levitate just a part without lifting the whole? I mean, I'll just leave the magic to you,” I said, dismissing my own question as I realized what I was asking.
“Well I have had magic all my life, so I am pretty sure about the safety of this. If you'll hold your hand out I'll just start with a slight tug, and then you can give resistance after that,” she instructed, motioning for me to lift a hand.
As I held up my right hand, I saw her horn light, and heard the tone of her magic as a bizarre sensation enveloped my hand. My hand felt almost as if it had fallen asleep as though from restricted circulation, a mild tingling feeling, accompanied by a pull towards Twilight. “Now pull against it for a moment please,” Twilight requested, floating a piece of paper and a quill in her magic as well. Pulling my hand back to myself felt like pulling on a bungee cord, until with a flare of magic the bungee turned to steel, no longer giving any leeway to my effort. “Now apply as much effort as you are willing please,” she instructed further.
With no small effort, I tried twisting and then turning my hand for it only to remain stationary. At the point of pushing against the magical hold so much I moved the platform I was seated on, I decided the test must have been successful. “Well, without greater leverage to apply, you have me as solidly stuck as can be,” I told her as she released the spell on my hand. It was somewhat unnerving the way she smiled while writing at a speed that would threaten to keep pace with a crowded chat-room.
“OK, with that done, it would seem that you are normally affected, any unusual sensations beyond a slight tickle?” she finally asked with a pause in her writing.
“I wouldn't call it a tickle exactly, more of a tingly feeling, like low circulation, but gone as fast as the spell.” I wiggled my fingers in front of my face as I answered.
“Interesting, I need to reference my books to be sure if that difference is important. That does mean further testing will have to wait,” her tone turned distant as she scribbled more in her notes. A moment later she looked up from her writing, “What time is it, Rarity?”
“I'll have this done in about five minutes, darling. The clock is over the fall line,” came the reply, as Rarity refused to turn from her task. “Hoyt, are you sure these colors are agreeable to you? Not knowing the fashions of your world, I am somewhat at a loss here. I mean, these don't clash, but they aren't what I would choose,” she asked me while attaching a sleeve.
“Yeah, I'll admit that I'd get more than a few funny looks for wearing that back home, but more so because of what it is rather than color. It's pretty rare in recent times for a man to wear a kilt, but I have rocked the look before. Otherwise white would be the more traditional color for the shirt, given that I'm going to a meeting tomorrow, but green I think would be more welcoming and friendly, especially with the tuxedo black. What colors would you choose? If I may ask,” I explained, watching her blue magic make short work of a collar seam.
“Hm, well the black for the kilt is fittingly formal, and you're right about the white, but I think another color may suit you better,” Rarity paused, thinking to herself, before continuing. “How do you feel about purple?” she asked, as she turned the shirt to check for any flawed seams.
Twilight stepped over to our discussion looking at the finished clothes. “It's seven thirty right now, I was thinking this would take longer. Any ideas to burn a couple of hours Rarity?”
“Hm? Oh, until the party?” Rarity asked, looking me over. “We aren't done yet, he still has to try the clothes on, darling. The dressing room is right there, in the meantime I'll think of a hat, and how to style your hair.”
“Wait, hat? Hair styling? Are you sure? I know the kilt wasn't easy, and the shirt is fantastic, certainly more valuable than a few hours spent on simply cleaning and adjusting two sewing machines.” As I protested her offer, Rarity was already shaking her head.
“No no, no, darling, that simply will not do. The value of your repair work outweighs the simple garments I have made for you. And I simply can't let you go to Canterlot without a proper appearance. I'll hear no more refusals darling, I will repay you fully for services rendered. Now, go try on those clothes, I want to see you in them,” She demanded, pushing me towards the dressing room.
“Hey, whoa, I can walk on my own you know!” I informed Rarity, while Twilight giggled.
“Hoyt, I told you she would insist. Just accept it,” Twilight said from across the room, rolling her eyes.
“Oh, alright, here, use my hat for size if you really must, something simple please,” I requested as I flicked it to her.
Catching the hat in her magic, Rarity gave it a considering look before saying with a smile, “Hehe, I know just the thing, now you get into that outfit.”
“Not the first time a girl has been excited to get me into my clothes,” I said, with a roll of my eyes before turning to the dressing room.
“Oh hush darling, you needn't be so dramatic,” she said, earning a giggle from the princess. “Well, it's true, Twilight. Could you get me pattern three dash FC from the second drawer please?”
In the dressing room I found a bench and a small table with a flower vase on it. Setting the vase onto the end of the bench I started using the table to pull out my pocket things. Starting with my keys, a realization struck, the vast majority of the crap in my pockets will be useless here. My cell phone was wasting its battery in vain, trying to find signal, so I turned it off, muffling the noise it insists upon making when powering down. Pen, lighter, pliers, flashlight, corkscrew, pocket knife, key-ring pick-case, and clip-on tuner all went into a pile I had designated as 'still useful,' while my keys, cell phone, wallet and a pile of receipts and business cards all went to the other side's 'useless' pile. I placed my mostly full pack of cigarettes in the middle, so I could ask Twilight about them later, more specifically if they even existed here. As I unbuckled my belt, I felt something very unnerving, something that likely has no place in a world so peaceful, shift against my waist. Placing this next to the cigarettes, I proceeded to change clothes, placing the useless items back in my pants pockets, and the rest into the large sporran. Setting the vase back onto the table, I admired my new outfit in the mirror before turning to leave the small room.
Setting my feet wide and placing my fists on my hips, I made as heroic a pose as I could muster. “I present, for your viewing pleasure, a man, in a dress,” I proclaimed in my best 'cartoon narrator' voice, while waggling my eyebrows at the two shocked ponies in the room.
“Well, with that wild hair of yours tamed, and the new hat, you might even be passable as handsome,” Twilight said with a laugh.
“Hmm, yes, this may even work out better than I thought,” Rarity added.
“Hey, my hair isn't that bad,” I defended. Seeing their matching deadpan faces I gave in, “OK, so maybe it is a bit woolly.”
“Well darling, yes, yes it is. But that doesn't mean I can't fix that, beauty is my special talent after all,” Rarity said, motioning towards a barber chair I somehow hadn't noticed before.
“I don't know, what did you have in mind? You're not planning to cut my beard are you?” I asked, somewhat skeptical.
“Perish the thought darling, just some styling to bring out your features, and make a good impression. You are going to be meeting Equestria's highest princesses tomorrow,” she explained, settling some nerves, while unsettling others.
With amazingly little use of scissors, and generous application of assorted hair care products, Rarity had managed to tame my hair enough to keep the hanging curls of brown behind my ears. Then I was treated to an experience unlike any I'd had before, no one else had ever touched, much less styled my beard before. Oddly enough, the sensation of undulating tugs as various products were worked in by magic was actually quite pleasant, a whisker massage so to speak. My mustache earned some giggles, as I had to fight down a sneezing fit as soon as the first touch of magic got directly under my nose. After some discussion Rarity agreed to let me handle my own handlebars, even after a bout of giggling at the style's name. Upon completion I looked myself over in the mirror. “Rarity, if you can make me look this good, damn, what I wouldn't do to see what you could do with a good starting point,” I said, turning my head to admire how my beard's curls were tamed into rolling waves like a windy beach, my hair bouncing behind my ears like in so many commercials.
“Now darling, don't sell yourself short. Besides, next time you will wear something of my design. More than just the hat, which I think will suit you quite well. Don't you agree Twilight?” Rarity said, turning to the princess for confirmation.
“At first I wasn't sure, but seeing him now... yeah, I think it will look good,” Twilight replied with a sweet smile at her friend.
“Alright then let's see it,” I said clasping my hands and looking at the fashionista.
“Ah, ah, ah, first, close your eyes,” she ordered with a sly smile and battering eyelashes.
“Ha, so that's how it is, huh? Alright, I'll play your game,” I replied, kneeling and bowing my head slightly as I closed my eyes. The smell of a delicate perfume grew stronger, and then I felt a hat being placed on my head. 'No sound, no magic, she's doing this with her hooves... Interesting.' The hat was a little heavy, but not enough to be bothersome, yet the most important thing I noticed was the fit. “It fits perfectly, how did you do that?” I asked.
“Hats are one of my specialties, darling. Now, take a look and tell me what you think,” Rarity said, with a fond smile evident in her voice.
Opening my eyes, most of what I could see was her face, close enough I could only just feel her breath. “If you wanted to get close, all you had to do was ask,” I said with a wink.
“Now where's the fun in asking?” she responded with a devilish grin.
“Rarity!” Exclaimed Twilight, scandalized at her friend's words.
“Oh, really now, I was only teasing, Twilight. No need to be offended, isn't that right Hoyt?” Rarity said with a playful nudge at my shoulder.
“True, but when teasing as such, one should not start any fires they can't put out,” I replied.
“I could say the same to you, sir,” she fired back.
“Touché, well played madam,” I ceded to her victory. Standing again I turned to the mirror, and was shocked. “A 'musketeer'? Sweet, the gold edging isn't normally my style, but this is just enough to be tasteful. I must say though, I am surprised you haven't put a feather in it,” saying this I heard Rarity's magic beside me. Turning to see what she was doing, my vision was flooded with large feathers in a myriad of colors. Reaching with my right hand I touched a green feather, searching for her reaction, and did this several more times with other colors, pointedly avoiding one in particular. As her face lit when I touched the whitest of them, I reached with my left hand to seize a smooth lavender one, about the color of Twilight's, and turned quickly to place it in the band. “I think this one is pretty, don't you?” I asked the shocked ponies through the mirror, seeing that they both stood mouth agape staring at my stupid smile.
Twilight brought a hoof to her face, “Shiny is going to kick him to the moon unless Celestia does it first.”
“Oh, Twilight, you know it won't be that bad. Hasn't Celestia shown enough times that she doesn't react so harshly?” Rarity asked the princess.
“Have you seen her react to something like this? ” Twilight replied, pointing the hoof that was over her face towards me.
Rarity looked at me, specifically the feather now in my hat, then back to her friend and realization dawned on her face. “Oh my! This would make her,” the fashionista paused, building suspense, “Laugh, I guess? Really Twilight, you should relax. Why would a feather be such a big deal?” At this, Twilight looked at me before whispering frantically in Rarity's ear. “Didn't Celestia tell you once to 'stop reading those dusty, old books'? That hasn't had that meaning in ages, darling,” Rarity said with a hoof to the royal shoulder for comfort. While they shared a hug, I grabbed the white feather and put it at an angle, intersecting the lavender one at the crest of the hat.
“OK, Rarity, I'll let it go, it is kinda silly to worry abou-” The princess froze, seeing the obvious addition to the hat.
“By the way, weren't we getting ready to attend a party?” I asked, doing my best to be serious, no matter how I wanted to laugh.
“Hm, yes, let's see, nine thirty, we should have enough time to be a couple minutes early,” Rarity said, then also froze having noticed the two feathers. Finding her words more quickly, she interjected “Either impetuous, or insatiable.”
“Oh, I'm always thinking, it's just varying degrees of mischief I like to get into, pending the scenario.” Twilight let out an exasperated sigh and shook her head before I continued, “So, Your Majesty, Milady, shall we away to the party?”
“Ugh, fine, let's go, before you do something even more awkward,” the princess said with a roll of her eyes.
“Oh, don't be a stick in the mud Twilight, this'll be fun.” Declared Rarity with a slightly devious smile.
Author's Note
OK, sorry for the delay, but have about a thousand extra words in this chapter, and it actually ends at the end of a scene! Fancy that.
As I posted this i noticed a missing apostrophy, feel free to let me know if you spot something like this, I hate errors.
And yet again, many thanks go to Sneaky for proofreading, go check out his stuff.
Winging it With a Ukulele
Walking out of the boutique, I had to suppress a laugh as the two mares had a small dance of indecision regarding our walking order before settling on me being in the middle. On the way to the center of town, in the light of the lingering sunset, both ponies would point out shops as we passed them, naming them and what products or services they sold. 'Sofas & Quills' had to be pretty high on the list of 'strangest business plans ever.'
“Oh, and there's 'The Gilded Bale' that Spike mentioned earlier,” Twilight said with a giggle.
“Huh, so what kind of food do they serve?” I asked, now curious about the culinary direction of a restaurant so oddly named.
“Why, gourmet hay, of course, what else would they serve with a name like that?” Rarity asked from my right.
“Well then, guess that's an eatery I will simply have to take your word on the quality of. Unless they have other fare to serve,” was my reply.
“Why is that?” the princess asked, now curious.
“Hmm? Oh, well, of the myriad things we are capable of eating and surviving on, grass isn't on the list. Vegetables, tubers, fruits, nuts, berries, and leafy greens, yes. Grasses, no,” I answered.
“Interesting,” Twilight said contemplatively.
As we walked on, we quickly approached what must have been Sugarcube Corner. It would look like a nicely decorated gingerbread house, were it not for the size. As we approached, Pinkie Pie came out to meet us, “Oh good, you guys are early. Head on in while I get the girls and the other guests together.”
“Alright Pinkie, we'll be waiting,” Twilight said with a smile and wave as her friend departed.
Watching as the pink pony left I asked, “so, she isn't always...” Trailing off I waved my hand in search of the best word to use.
“Pinkie? Well, it varies, but normally she is just well, normal,” the princess shrugged.
“Fair enough,” I ceded, stepping somewhat quickly to open the door. “Ladies first,” I said, motioning for them to lead the way in.
Twilight cocked her head at me and her wings gave a faint flap against her sides before she shrugged and walked in, followed by Rarity, and then myself.
Inside the structure, I was surprised to find what looked like a perfectly ordinary bakery or donut shop, if a confetti factory had exploded within it in such a way that left everything else intact. Streamers, balloons, banners, and all other standard party decorations were strewn about in an 'organized chaos' sort of fashion. A dark yellow pony with an orange mane and tail stood behind the counter, seeming slightly frazzled. “Ah, you must be the man of the hour. I'm Mr. Cake. The missus will be along shortly to make sure that you and the princess have the proper refreshments,” he said.
“Oh, it's no hurry, Mr. Cake. We'll just be waiting until Pinkie returns with the other guests,” said Twilight.
Stepping towards the counter, I observed the nearly barren shelves within. “By the look of things, today's been good for business. I'm Hoyt by the way,” I said, with a wave of my hand in greeting.
“Indeed it has, we'll have a lot more selection in the morning though. Nice to meet you sir,” Mr. Cake replied, stepping back to retrieve a pan from the back of the counter, before placing it on top of the counter with three muffins on it. “Here, on the house while you wait.”
“Oh, thank you kindly,” I said, thanking him with a nod.
As I made my way to a somewhat centrally located table at which Twilight and Rarity had seated themselves, two new ponies came in the door. The first was a full figured blue mare, with a round face, pink trimmed apron, and a mane nearly as curly and pink as Pinkie's. “I got the last of the supplies deary, and Goldengrapes has the wine,” she called to the stallion behind the counter. “Are you sure that we'll need so much?” she asked, gesturing to the second pony, a yellow stallion with spiky blue hair and a barrel on his back.
“You know how Pinkie likes to throw big welcome parties for newcomers. Besides, he looks big enough to handle more than most,” Mr. Cake said, shifting her attention to finally notice me standing a few feet behind her.
During their exchange I had managed to set the muffins on the table, and turn back to introduce myself before she turned to observe where the stallion had indicated. I held my hat off of my head with my left hand, and gave a slight bow with my right hand across my chest. “Nice to meet you ma'am,” I said, giving a warm smile.
She stared at me, wide eyed for a moment, before giving a bow of her head. “I-I'm Mrs. Cake, n-nice to meet you too,” she said nervously. She then trotted toward the counter, and gestured toward a small 'x' shaped rack I had failed to notice before, “You can put the wine here, thanks for carrying it over deary.”
Moving to the rack, the spike-haired stallion said, “Sure thing.” With practiced ease, he stooped low and let the barrel gently set into the frame. Facing the container, he then reared up and grasped it with his forelegs and turned it a little while looking over the far end. Seeming pleased with the positioning he took a small glass, from the counter, in his fetlock and stood behind the cask for a short moment. Standing straight again, he brought the glass up in front of his eyes, a faintly golden liquid within. Giving the glass a swirl and then a sniff, the stallion sipped up the contents and looked to carefully consider the taste before swallowing and nodding approval.
Meanwhile Mr. cake had retrieved a few more small glasses, and taken a sample in the same fashion as Goldengrapes. Nodding approval as well, he smacked his lips slightly before deftly collecting samples in the other three glasses before calling to the table, “Would our guests care to approve tonight's wine?”
As my ears filled with the dual tones of the two unicorns' magic, one glass encased in blue magic floated over alongside two in magenta magic. “Why so formal tonight Mr. Cake?” Twilight asked, as one magenta encased glass came to float in front of her, and the other in front of me.
As I hesitantly considered grabbing the floating shot of wine before me, my ears stayed focused on the conversation. That is, I tried to pick up on the conversation, as I also considered the possible etiquette that may or may not be involved in simply grasping the glass through the magical field, while still trying to wrap my head around the use of magic itself. I stared, transfixed and unsure of how to proceed until the cup finally came to rest on the table and the magic around it dissipated. Finally taking it in my hand, I was about to swirl it until I was stopped by the realization that the room was suddenly filled with laughter. Looking around I saw that Twilight and Rarity had covered their mouths, the Cakes were obviously restraining themselves, and apparently Rainbow Dash had arrived to laugh healthily. Setting down the cup and bringing a palm to my face, I laughed at what I had obviously done, before getting to a question that had formulated at the behavior about the wine, “So, this 'approving the wine' thing... it's a bit unusual to have such ceremony back on earth, this a tradition of sorts?”
“Nice dodge,” Rainbow interjected, giggling when I stuck my tongue out at her.
Giggling a little through her words, Twilight told the prismatic pegasus, “I'll allow it.” Turning to me she continued, “For now. As for your question, I understand it to be a loosely held tradition. Upheld optionally on a basis of personal choice of the proprietor and the vintner, both of whom have opted to observe. The tradition is very old, and from place to place it varies in its etiquette. The most common version known today, which you have just seen, involves the vintner sampling the wine first to testify that it is safe to drink, and of good quality. After the vintner, if applicable, the head of the household, or proprietor of the establishment, then does the same to verify the quality. Then, in the event of a party featuring royalty or 'guests of honor' the opportunity is offered for them to 'approve' the wine as satisfactory to their tastes. Of course, it is typically considered rude to turn down this offer when it is given, though few are inclined to turn it down in the first place.” As she finished explaining, I fought down a chuckle at the way she beamed with pride over her short lecture.
“Well, I am most certainly not one to turn away tradition, or a drink for that matter. Even if it does feel strange to be called a 'guest of honor',” I said, as I eyed the liquid. Giving the glass a swirl and a sniff revealed an unfamiliar smell, somewhat floral, yet perfume-like. “Tell me, what variety of wine is this?” I asked, holding the glass and swirling it as I looked to stallion whom delivered the drink.
Leaning against the barrel and holding his head high, Goldengrapes said with no shortage of pride in his voice, “This would be our very best Moscato, Twilight Vintage.”
The princess groaned and said, “At least it is a good wine, but do you have to call it that?”
“Hehe, the E.V.A. decided four years ago on that,” He chuckled, “White wine made in the year one thousand CR is to be labeled 'Twilight Vintage' in honor of your victory that year, and regarded as a 'princess' category. Princess Celestia herself endorsed the decision.”
“What!? Ooh, am I going to have a talk with her tomorrow,” Twilight said with a near venomous tone. After a few seconds passed in silence she realized that all in the room were locked in focus on her. Suddenly shrinking back from the collective gazes, she gave a weak nervous laugh, “Eheh so, Hoyt, what do you think?”
It took me a moment to track how the conversation had arrived at its current location, as Twilight stared at me with pleading eyes. “Well, let's see, I've heard of, but never had this variety before, not that I can recall anyhow. The smell is good, if unfamiliar, now for a taste,” I said, my voice somewhat raised at the start to redirect attention to myself. Smelling deeply of the golden liquid again, I sipped up the sample and swished it around on my tongue. It was like no other wine I'd had before, mildly sweet, vibrantly fruity, and with a tingle that danced playfully across the palette. Setting the glass down, I turned to Goldengrapes and declared, “You sir, are right to be proud, that is a very good wine indeed. Sweeter than I typically prefer, but purely magnificent in flavor and aroma.”
“I must agree that this is a truly wondrous product that you have brought this evening 'Goldy.' but why has it not been available at your stall on market days?” asked Rarity.
“That would be the result of the 'Princess Reserve Preservation Act of nine eighty, five?” 'Goldy' asked in Twilight's direction. Getting an affirmative nod he continued, “Nine eighty five, whereupon the coronation of Princess Cadence made official the 'Mi Amore' vintage of love.”
“So why aren't these vintages at your stall?” Rarity pressed.
“As a result of the PRPA of nine eighty five, no wine of a 'princess' vintage shall be sold to any not in the company of said princess. And yes, I am the only princess yet to get two vintages, excluding the celebratory 'Lunar' vintage which applies only to red wines which overlap my 'early' vintage for the return of Princess Luna, and not my late, or 'magic' vintage which would be last year's vintage for my own coronation.” Taking in a great breath in order to let out an equally great sigh, Twilight then continued, “What this means is that the wine produced during the year of a royal coronation is to be reserved for the enjoyment of said royal. Exceptions are made for wines produced in quantities under forty barrels, and for wineries producing less than two hundred barrels annually. Lastly, this also gets the wineries paid double the market value of the previous year's vintage, to make up for locking away part of their inventory.”
“Um, Twilight? Going to need to go back over that for me later, quite a few questions that I imagine would not be conducive to the desired 'party' atmosphere,” I said to the princess as I heard a few ponies come in the door.
The princess threw me a half shocked look for a moment, “Ah, right, I guess there would be a fair deal of context to be explained.” Turning to look more over my shoulder to the door she called out, “Hey girls!”
I barely managed to turn in time to see the first of many ponies coming in the door. Applejack and Pinkie Pie I recognized in the lead, followed by a myriad of ponies of almost all types and leaving no color unrepresented. Scanning the rapidly formed crowd I noticed that almost all of the ponies were just about the same height, with a monolithic red exception standing possibly as tall as myself. 'Everyone arriving at once? First party I've seen that happen at.'
Trotting up to the table with a tray of drinks balanced on her tail, Pinkie Pie thrust the glasses into the air arcing towards the table, shouting as they flew, “OK everypony, let's get this party started! ”
Reflexively I ducked away from the table and the imminent shower of wine and glass that was going to arrive shortly. When all of the glasses landed safely and intact, contents and all, Rainbow, Applejack and Pinkie laughed in concert. “Well, what's got you jumpier 'n a jackrabbit?” asked AJ.
“Beverages engaged in parabolic trajectories, or otherwise flying drinks with a history of targeting me,” I replied. “How did you even do that?” I asked, turning to the giggling pink pony.
Straightening herself, Pinkie stood to answer, “Pbbt, practice silly.”
“Wait, 'history of targeting you?' what does that mean?” asked Twilight, visibly curious.
“Remember what I said earlier about how I learned the finer points of social interaction?” I asked. After a short pause the princess nodded, and I continued, “Human women have a tendency to use a thrown drink to indicate that they refuse a man's advances. Thankfully they trend away from throwing the glass with it, but that is not a hard set rule.”
“So what music do you like?” Pinkie butted in before her friend could ask further about the finer points of human interpersonal interaction.
“What kinds of music do you guys have?”
“All of them, duh,” Pinkie replied.
“Hoyt, maybe the genres of music translate as well, there are sufficient other parallels for it to be plausible,” Twilight stated.
“A very interesting point,” I said to the princess. Turning back to Pinkie, “I like listening to blues, jazz, rock and electronic, among others.”
Smiling wide, Pinkie stood on her hind legs and brought her forehooves to her mouth, shouting, “Vinyl! Spin it!”
'Did she just call the DJ 'Vinyl'? No w-' My thoughts were suddenly interrupted by an intoxicating electronic rhythm that somehow set me to involuntarily bobbing my head.
“Wow, that is awesome!” I said, or tried to say, as my voice was drowned out by the monsoon of sound from the speakers.
“CONVERSATIONAL VOLUME PLEASE.” Every pony that had started to dance froze and the music dropped to a low thrum as the request exploded from Twilight. Seeming satisfied with the new sound level, she said with her voice only slightly raised, “Thank you.”
“And I thought artillery was loud. How did you do that?” I asked as I rubbed at my ears in a vain effort to clear the ringing. “Right, 'magic,' never mind. Anyhow, I have to say that the number of parallels between our worlds is starting to get strange.”
“Maybe, but I would have to say that the opposite is true as well,” the princess replied.
“Hey guys, you two have been talking all day, you're at a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party! Time to get social!” declared Pinkie.
With a roll of my eyes, I ceded, “Alright Pinkie, let's start with the introductions.”
Pinkie clapped (clopped?) her hooves together with a squee. “Well, first there's the cider-bearer Big Macintosh.” Reaching out with her left hoof she brought the red giant I had noticed earlier to her side, looking somewhat confused.
After a brief moment of looking around, Big Macintosh gathered his bearings. Looking me over, he offered a hoof, and with a neutral tone and face his baritone voice was finally revealed, “Nice to meet ya Hoyt.”
'Odd behavior, seems a little forced, tense maybe?' I thought while reaching to shake his hoof. “Likewise Macintosh. Now what's this about cider?” I asked, curious about yet another parallel.
“Equestria's best 'Sweet Apple Acres',” He declared with no shortage of pride.
“It's only the best drink in Ponyville!” Rainbow dash nearly shouted
“Reckon I'll have to try some then. Where would I find it?” I asked the stallion.
“Already at the counter, better hurry if you want any,” Big Macintosh replied, nodding towards the counter.
Observing Mr. Cake rapidly filling mugs from a newfound pair of casks, I stood from the table. “Looks like sound advice you give. Cider for any of you?”
“Yes!” answered Rainbow Dash excitedly.
“Yes, please,” came Twilight and Rarity's replies in unison.
“If you don't mind,” was Fluttershy's timid response.
“Already got my fill,” Applejack said.
“I'll get some later,” Pinkie chirped.
“Five it is then.” Turning to walk to the counter it became apparent that I was landlocked to the table by a pastel sea of ponies milling about. Looking around I noticed that most of them were simply talking in small groups, with a scant few looking my way with mixed expressions. Stepping carefully between a few I started making headway towards the counter, but couldn't get very far, and my 'excuse me's and 'pardon's were going unnoticed over the music and chatter. Hearing a few giggles from the table, I decided to toss the subtlety for the time being, and clapped my hands loudly over my head, getting the attention of all in the room. “Well, that worked better than normal,” I observed before continuing, “Hi everybody, I'm Hoyt, the new guy. Mind letting me through?” I finished, pointing towards the counter.
Suddenly a wide path appeared between myself and the counter. 'Well now, overdid the hell out of that.' “Sorry! Didn't mean to scare anyone, just trying to get some drinks.” My appology seemed to work some, as many of the ponies visibly relaxed, yet left the newfound pathway mostly unobstructed. “Doing alright over here Mr. Cake?” I asked the flustered baker turned barkeep.
“Oh, sure, just a change of pace from what I'm used to,” he replied, chuckling with a hoof to his neck.
“Need me to lend a hand? Er, I mean, help?”
“No no, it's fine, really. You kind of already gave me a moment to catch up anyhow. So what drink were you wanting?” he asked with a raised brow.
“Need five ciders,” I said with a slight grimace and a shrug. “Sorry.”
“Think nothing of it, these parties always come along with extra business in the next day. Means extra bits to keep the foals fed,” Mr. Cake said with a warm smile that showed bags under his eyes.
Taking the mugs, three in my left hand, two in my right, “Well, thanks again Mr. Cake,” I said before turning back towards the table. I felt a sudden draft however as I heard a few gasps and giggles.
Turning my head revealed the source; Rainbow had come over to lift the back of my kilt, revealing to all but the baker, my faded blue boxers. “Aw, come on!”
“Now, what might you be doing that for?” I asked, fighting down more than a little bit of embarrassment.
The blue pegasus did a fine job of blushing regardless of her coloration. She then gave a short, nervous “Eheh,” before flying back to the table which she tried to hide under while still sitting where she had before.
Weaving around the groups of ponies that had reclaimed the swath of floor which they had vacated previously, I came back to the table and six red faces. Twilight and Rarity wore shocked expressions and were glaring at Rainbow, Fluttershy looked embarrassed, Rainbow was embarrassed, Applejack was laughing hysterically at the bold blue pegasus, and Pinkie was just laughing hysterically. Before sitting down again I set the extra mugs of cider in front of the ponies who requested them, except Rainbow's, which went in front of Pinkie.
“But, but...” Rainbow stammered.
“Exactly, my butt, you don't get drinks brought to you for a stunt like that,” I declared, getting a new chorus of laughter from the other five ponies.
After shooting a glare at me, which I grinned at, the prismatic pony grunted defeat. “Ugh, ponyfeathers, gonna get my own drink then, catch you guys in a few.” With that she flew over to mingle with some other ponies waiting in line for cider.
A smooth masculine voice then made itself known, “So you were right after all, Pinkie. I should have guessed a change of attire would alter the course of action, but a bet is a bet.” A brown unicorn with a short dark gray mane and goatee floated a small purse onto Pinkie's waiting hoof. I couldn't help but notice that the tone of his magic sounded strange.
“Thank you for the business Professor!” Pinkie chirped, tossing the small bag over her shoulder, presumably into her mane. “Uh oh, table four is out of pastries, gotta go!”
”Pinkie Pie!” Twilight shouted at her retreating friend.
With a laugh at the brief exchange I turned to the newly arrived stallion and placed the large hat on the table, “Wish I'd known there was a pool going. So 'Professor' eh?”
“Call me Professor Q. Um, I don't,” he replied pointing a tentative hoof at my offered hand. “Unhygienic, nothing personal.”
“Fair enough, but what was the bet?” I asked.
“Ongoing,” he said, and walked away into the crowd.
“Odd fellow,” I noted turning back to the table. “Where did Rarity and Fluttershy go?”
“To talk with the spa twins. Apparently those two don't get enough talking done with them already,” Applejack shrugged. “I'm gonna go find RD.”
Finding myself alone with the princess, I waited in silence for a prime opportunity. The wait wasn't long, as Twilight soon lifted the glass to her mouth. “Guess that makes me the first among my friends to almost moon royalty.”
My experience with the wine at lunch hadn't made a mess of more than my mustache, which caught most of it. The princess did not have this advantage, and sprayed a fair portion of the table with Equestria's best apple cider. I would also hazard a guess that the angle of pony nostrils was a contributing factor in the distribution of the beverage spray.
As I focused on trying to breath past my laughter, which came out as soundless gasps for air, Mrs. Cake came to investigate, looking quite worried. Before she could inquire about the situation though, Twilight spoke, “Napkin please.” Her voice was somewhat urgent, and very nasally, which only made me laugh harder.
Mrs. Cake returned quickly with a generous pile of paper napkins, which Twilight quickly took in her magic. One napkin went to her face as she blew her nose, five went to wiping the mess from the table, and several others form small paper balls which she then used to pelt me.
After a minute or so the princess had recovered her composure, and stopped pelting me to instead glare daggers at me. “Guh, now I'll be lucky to smell anything but apples for a week! At least that wine wasn't carbonated, you know.”
Having finally calmed from my laughter, I thought it prudent to apologize, “I'm sorry, but the opportunity was there, and at least the cider doesn't have the same level of alcohol.” Then I saw Pinkie handing a small pouch to the brown stallion from earlier, who now wore a wide grin. Noting this I looked around to find at least three other tables had similar pouches being passed across. “Looks like Rainbow's stunt wasn't the only wager of the night. Guess word got around about the incident at lunch.”
Before Twilight could get up to have what would likely be a stern talk with her pink friend, two new ponies came to sit across the table from us, a white unicorn mare with a flowing mane striped with yellow, blue and burgundy, and a light blue unicorn mare with an amethyst blue mane. As they put two mugs on the table with golden and deep blue magic, respectively, the white one spoke, “Hi, your friend Pinkie Pie said we should introduce ourselves. I'm Sunny Smiles, and this is my friend, Moon Shine.” Sunny had a sweet smile, and a voice that was equally charming.
Moon Shine seemed to snap out of a distant thought, quickly glancing about from something off to the side of Twilight then to the table, the hat, myself, the princess, and resting back on me. “Ah, sorry about that, um,” the blue mare said, before turning to the princess. “Eheh, right, I'm Moon Shine. Honored to meet you Princess Twilight, and whom would your friend be?” she asked, getting a raised eyebrow from both Twilight and Sunny.
'I've been there before, the occursed brainfart resulting in momentary social awkwardness, time to throw a lifeline.' Taking a swig of my cider, I spared only a brief moment to savor its fantastic flavor before setting it on the table with enough force to break the tension, and bring attention to myself. Noting that I had properly gaged the volume needed without scaring a few dozen ponies, I smiled at the newcomers before saying, “Very nice to meet you both, I am Hoyt, from Texas. Let's start with a joke. So two atoms walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, 'I just lost an electron,' to which the second asks, 'Are you sure?' to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'” After a moment's hesitation, all three ponies at the table are laughing and commenting on the bargain bin joke I'd thrown at them, and we soon have a warm, lighthearted conversation flowing.
Author's Note
Alright, at long last, here it is, Chapter 6. Terribly sorry for the wait, but getting the party scene started was quite difficult for me. But here it is, underway. Feel free to draw what conclusions you will, but note that I will just be vague and perhaps a smartass in the coments :P
And yet again so many thanks go to Sneaky for making sure this didn't look like a huge pile of shit, especially with this chapter. Seriously, several nights were spent writing a lot of paragraphs, deleting the last few, writing some more, and sending the last bit to Sneaky before re-writing some more and starting again. He has been an enormous help with this, and I would appreciate if you went and checked out his stories, with which I have been helping. Seriously, go spread the love, especially for 'Derpy's Protector' and 'Close Bonds' because those are really good stories.
Winging it With a Ukulele
“So a neutron walks into a pub and asks, 'How much for a drink?' to which the barkeep replies, 'For you? No charge'!” Moon Shine said around our fourth, or maybe fifth, round.
Twilight's turn had come for telling another joke, “Why should you never trust an atom?” She paused briefly before finishing, “They make up everything!”
“I do believe we have entered the realm of seriously bad jokes,” I said while snickering. “Why don't we take all the bad chemistry jokes, and barium?”
“Said the human, implying that there have been good chemistry jokes,” Sunny fired at me, rolling her eyes in spite of suppressing more laughter.
“He's right though, all the good ones... argon,” Retorted Moon Shine with a cheshire grin at her friend.
Sunny facehoofed and groaned. “Well, bad humor aside, we haven't really learned anything about you, Hoyt. What are your accolades or accomplishments back home?” the white mare asked, getting the focus of all paying attention on me.
“Ha! 'Accolades' eh? Heh, would you like to try for a topic which actually has some content available?” I asked in response.
Just as I registered the mostly shocked expressions of the ponies I had been talking with, my chair was suddenly turned almost completely around, and myself along with it. Before I could react, Applejack had a forehoof over each of my shoulders and her large green eyes were locked on my own. Suddenly her eyes grew much larger, and her breath dominated my nostrils with the scent of alcohol and apples, before a delicate impact landed on my face. Soft moist warmth connected with my lips, while warm breath mingled through my mustache. Pulling back, Applejack instructed, “Well don't be a limp fish now, kiss me back ya idjit.” Before I could respond, she had pressed the advantage of my preparing to say 'wait' with a quick upward brush across my lips, and her right hoof behind my head. My hands went to her shoulders reflexively to prevent falling backwards.
Grabbing the shoulders apparently was taken to mean 'dive on in' to Applejack, as my mouth suddenly found itself with a very unexpected guest. Apples, cinnamon, and high potency alcohol dominated my taste buds, while AJ's tongue dominated my mouth with a slew of sensations. As her tongue poked, prodded and rubbed around in my cheeks and against my own, my mind fell silent, letting go of control and allowed my instincts to take over. My hands started exploring the well toned musculature that they had found, and my tongue at long last reciprocated the attentions, and journeyed forth to play ambassador to the home of its guest in kind. After an amount of time that I have no measure of, she pulled away, leaving me to restart my thought processes.
“Huh, yeah you must be used ta a totally differ'nt kin'a gal,” She said, moving a hoof down to my knee. A quick push back on my shoulder, then another sideways on my knee, and I was suddenly facing the table again, with three ponies all slack-jawed. “Told you that ya jus' have ta start with a brush up to stop the whisker tickle. Now pay up Dash!”
“Wait, what?” I said before my chair teetered and fell backwards, taking me along for the whole ride. My head hit the floor, and the world started fading away to black.
“Oh no!”
It was a sunny day, and I was just enjoying myself and the feeling of driving along a twisty farm road. The wind in my hair, and bass in my ears, accentuated by the dual vortex of leaves in the rear view from the wind as I travel along. Suddenly a large animal jumps out of the trees ahead, a deer on an interception course with the front of my car. Quickly I notice a truck in the oncoming lane, eliminating evasion as an option. Slamming the brakes and releasing enough to prevent an uncontrolled skid, my left hand knuckles go white on the wheel as my right hand moves to downshift the transmission for even more stopping power... not enough as the deer freezes in my lane, scared of the truck. SLAM! The deer impacted hard into the grill and hood, thirty yards later I finally bring the car to a stop, deer still on the hood. Hitting the emergency flashers and shutting off the engine, I get out of the car, hands shaking with adrenaline. I walk forward to inspect the damage, and remove the newfound hood ornament, something is wrong. The deer, heavily injured though it is, is not dead, but suffering. The truck from earlier pulls up behind the car, red and blues flashing brightly as a familiar game warden steps out and approaches, “God damn it Hoyt, you almost made me mess my drawers. Ah hell, let's get 'er off your hood.” We each grab an end and lower the injured animal to the ground before I cover my ears, BANG! the shot brings a merciful end for the poor creature.
The bar was quiet as I sat, enjoying a frosty cold beer and watching those around the joint enjoy socializing. A young woman took a seat down the bar from me. Shortly a drunk redneck took the seat next to her on my side and started making obvious passes at her. As she continued to turn him down, I picked up on a belligerent tone from him, and decided to approach. Tapping him on the shoulder I said, “She's turned ya down a good dozen times or so, time to leave her alone.”
“Fuck off asshole,” he said with a push against my chest.
“Ma'am, do you want him to continue?” I asked her.
He butted in before she could answer, “And just what the fuck do you think you're going to do about it if I don't stop? Huh shitface?” His fist came swinging wide trying to hit my face. I caught it in my left hand, and crushed his jaw with my right fist.
The theater lights dimmed, and the chatter faded as the screen lit up for the start of the movie. It was an old film, but a classic romance made for couples to enjoy together, even if it was cliché. Raising my arms over my head, I stretched to get comfortable for the long sit, and brought my hands down intentionally not letting one fall around my date's shoulders. I struggled to muffle the grunt forced from me by her poke to my ribs, but softly chuckled and wrapped my right arm around her. We sat close as the movie played, and eventually the kissing scene approached, the timing is overused, but for good reason; it works. Moving my left hand to hers, that was on my knee, I tickled her jaw with my right, and whispered softly into her ear, “Wanna give that a try?” Turning to me, she wrinkled her cute little nose, and darted in for a quick peck. Grinning, we locked eyes as I brought my left hand up to lightly cup her cheek, and we both slowly approached, eyes closing for a blissful kiss.
I was enjoying a nice drive along a twisted farm road, speeding along and loving the sunny weather. Suddenly something jumps out of the trees just ahead, a pink unicorn on an intercept course with the grill of my car. Adrenaline kicks in as I notice that I can't evade due to a truck coming the other way. Moving quickly I slam the breaks enough to just start hearing the tires squeal, I lock my left hand onto the wheel and use my right to dropshift to minimize stopping distance... the unicorn froze in my lane as the truck crossed its path. BOOM! The mare slams into the front of my car, coming to rest on the hood as I came to a stop thirty yards further down the road. Turning on the emergency flashers, I jump out of the car and to the front, the heavy injuries and unsteady rise and fall of her chest unsettles me. I don't look, but am aware of the truck pulling up with lights flashing red and blue, and the trooper approaching. “Wow, almost puckered my seat watching that,” The officer said. Looking at the barely living unicorn he continued, “Well, let's get it off your car so we can end it quickly.”
“Wait,” something didn't seem right at all. “What? No! Let's get her into the passenger seat, I'll take her to the hospital!” Looking from me to the car and back, the law man raised an eyebrow. “German steel, it's good to go! We have to hurry!” I shouted, unsure why this strange creature had stirred such feeling.
'Not that strange.'
I sat quietly, enjoying a nice cold cider and watching all the other patrons of the bar having good times with their friends. Soon a young mare came to sit at the other end of the bar from me. A drunk stallion quickly took the seat closest to her on my side, and started trying to pick her up. She shot him down repeatedly, and soon his tone turned hostile, which prompted me to step in. Poking him in the shoulder I told him, “No means no. Move along.”
“Fuck you, dipshit,” he replied, pushing me back.
“Ma'am, do you want him continue?” I asked her.
“And just how the fuck are you going to stop me?” he asked, swiveling to kick ineffectively into my thigh. In response I slammed his head into the bartop.
As the walkway and seating lights faded out, silence fell over the gathered audience. Light fanfare played as the announcer trotted out to center stage, the night's story would be an old one, but one made to be enjoyed by couples together, an overused but romantic setting. Stretching my arms up over my head, I got ready for the long show, and set my hands on my own legs, waiting for a response and suppressing a grin. Muffling myself as a hoof jabbed into my ribs, I let my grin show and put my right arm around my date, pulling her close. We leaned into each other as the story was told, and soon the most cliché, and best, timing for a move came along; the 'lover's kiss' scene. I ran my right finger along her ear, and cupped in my left hand the hoof on my leg. “Care to show them how it's done?” I whispered quietly in her ear. She turned to me, scrunched her muzzle cutely, then briefly brought her lips to mine. Locking eyes once more, her hoof raised to my shoulder and my hand to her cheek as we closed the distance along with our eyes.
'Beautiful.'
'Why does my head hurt?' I opened my eyes, the room was very dark, lit by a lone candle. I lay where I was for a moment, letting my breathing catch up as my eyes started their attempts to focus. 'I must have crashed at a friend's place, that's a lot of books.' My head swam as I sat upright on the bed. More of the room was open to the right, so I lifted the blanket and shifted myself to the edge of the bed and sat there a moment, preparing to stand fully and search for the facilities. To my left was another bed, with a purple head of hair protruding from the covers. 'Must be Michelle's place, never seen her house that I recall.' Seeing steps down, I noticed no doors lead away from this elevated portion of the room, but two in the lower portion. Staggering to the doors, I opened the first to see a large blackness below, 'Must not be the right way.' The other door opened to a bathroom, so I stepped in and locked the door.
Stepping to the toilette, I made to sit down and nearly fell, 'Heard of high rise bowls, but low rise?' Once finished with my constitutionals, I washed my hands, and made to use the mirror and my fingers to get my hair and whiskers close to straight, but was bothered by how low it hung on the wall. Stepping back out, I realized how bare I was, just socks and boxers. With no small amount of urgency I started quietly looking around for a pile of clothes, soon taking the blanket from the bed and wrapping myself in that for decency's sake.
Soon I found a small coffee table in the room's lower area, with two piles of clothes, one my familiar cargo pants and striped shirt, the other a familiar looking green shirt and black something. Grabbing my pants, I moved to put them on, but noticed my belt missing, and decided to look through the pockets. Cell phone, yes, wallet, yes, pile of receipts and business cards, yes, tools, no? I started going through every pocket a third and fourth time to find many of my belongings that I carried missing. Getting restless, I decided to check the other pile, pocketless shirt set aside, I started to lift the black clothe, which unfolded until I pulled on the other end. Taking the solid end of the garment in hand, I found a small sturdy chain, and my belt attached, 'Curiouser and curiouser.'
Searching along the waist band, I found a large pouch attached to the chain, and inside was all my remaining stuff. Realizing the garment was a kilt, I decided to try it on, and head out for a smoke. Once dressed I noted how well the kilt and shirt fit, then looked for an exit, which revealed itself as I noticed the sky through a window/door to a porch, the sun was threatening to rise, the twilight of morning sparkling through the glass. 'Twilight? Sparkling? Why are those words ringing in my head?' I shook the thought loose as I delicately stepped over the silently open the patio door, and go out into the brisk morning air for my usual carcinogenic wakeup.
Finding no chairs, I sat next to the door and lit up, trying to remember the previous night's events, 'Never had trouble remembering a party before... then again, this would seem to be my first hangover too. What did I drink?' A strange deep tone seemed to come from everywhere, and nowhere, and it held for a long while. Soon I heard motion from inside, so I reached over and tapped a knuckle on the glass, to let Michelle know where I was. Suddenly the door opened and out stepped, “You're not Michelle, what are you?” I looked over the strange lavender horse, noting its wings and horn, “Ah, I must still be asleep, I hope Michelle doesn't, mind...”
'Little one, you are quite humorous, but you must awaken.'
'Whoever is running a tractor this close to my house at this hour is about to get a lesson in ordinance,' I thought, heavily annoyed by the cacophony of noise, and the actual shaking of my bed. Starting to get up, I realized that there was a weight on my chest, a weight which stirred at my efforts. YAWN “Oh, so you're actually awake this time?” an educated feminine voice asked, as the weight shifted and left my chest.
'Hold on the ordinance, what the fuck is going on?' I stretched out my arms over my head to find my motion limited by a headboard or something, and yawned deeply to kickstart my oxygen supply. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I then propped myself up to survey my surroundings; a window to my left, with scenery passing by, what looks like the bottom of a bunk bed above, and a lavender pony to my right, smiling at me. 'Lavender pony... What?'
After a while, her smile dimmed into concern, “Not this again, um, hello?” she asked cheerily, waving a hoof in front of my face. “You showed up in Ponyville yesterday, playing your instrument?” she asked, her tone suggesting I should know. My pulse and breath kept growing more rapid, she seemed to pick up on this, “Oh! I hope you're not claustrophobic! We're on a train, headed for Canterlot, Remember?”
Suddenly a few details came to mind. Though blurry, names started to come into focus, and a few oddly colored faces. I forced myself to calm down, and slowed my breathing as she stepped back. Bringing my hands over my face, I forced myself to speak my thoughts, “So, let me get this straight, you are Twilight Sparkle, Princess, right?”
“Oh good, you do remember!” She exclaimed, clapping happily with a wide smile plastered on her face.
“OK, so, yesterday; I met you and your friends, you have magic, a dragon named Spiked for a little brother, um...” I spaced out on recalling further detail. She stepped closer, and put a hoof on my shoulder. “Yees?”
“Trouble remembering?” she asked, concern in her voice. I nodded the affirmative. “Do you trust me? I can help,” She said with big, pleading violet eyes.
“Yes,” I said, fully certain of the sincerity in those large, generous orbs.
“This might feel weird, but relax,” She instructed, leaning in close to my face. No matter how much I kept watching for her head to tilt, it never did except forwards. My eyes crossed following the lavender spire approaching my face.
“GAH!” I jolted awake, “What happened?”
“Owwie,” Twilight said, rubbing at her horn. I failed to notice this as my mind flooded with the previous day's events; Ponyville, introductions, Spike, lunch, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, kilt and hat, the Cakes, wine, the party, cider, Applejack.
“How long was I out for this time?!” I asked, more than a little panicked.
“What? You weren't 'out' at all, I cast the memory spell on you, and then you jerked against my horn, which hurts a lot by the way. Ow.” She continued to hold a hoof to her harmed appendage.
“Oh shit, I'm sorry,” I apologized and moved to make sure she was fine. I was frozen halfway through my action however, as moving the blanket revealed that I was far more nude than before. “Fuck, I'm naked too! Oh, sorry again, um, where are my clothes?” I asked, holding the covers tightly around my middle.
Twilight's face lit up like a stoplight, “Eheh, that, those are on the bunk above you. I had to take them off for the cleaning spell. I'll be in the next car up with Rarity and Spike when you're dressed.” She flashed a plastered fake smile before darting towards the door I was facing. She stopped short and called back, “Oh, so you know, I had to use the spell to get rid of the smell of whatever that was you were burning on the porch this morning, and garments have to be removed for it to work. I didn't look anymore than necessary, I swear!” She then darted out the door and into the wind with amazing speed.
“Did her hair just catch fire? Mane I mean,” I asked no one in particular, half out of voicing my thoughts, half to see if anyone else was in the rolling box. “Anyone else in here?” I called with my voice raised, getting no answer, I leaned out to try for grabbing whatever I could without exposing myself.
Finally dressed again, and noting how my hair and clothes and everything all felt extremely fresh, I cautiously opened the forward door of the sleeper car. Squinting my eyes and bracing for the wind, I stepped into the strangely calm space between the cars, and then into the forward car proper.
“Ah, good morning Hoyt, so good to see you weren't seriously injured last night,” Rarity called as I entered. She was sitting at a table with Spike and a still blushing Twilight. “You know, you really had me worried darling.”
Noticing a generous amount of food spread upon the table, I almost became entranced, but manners dictated a response, “Well, you needn't worry about me ma'am, we humans tend to be quite resilient.” I smiled at her as I sat on a cushion at the table, resulting in a higher surface than normal for such activity, but I was not about to complain. I asked, “So which plate is mine? If I don't eat soon I'm sure to start scaring off local wildlife.” My stomach chose this time to release a very loud growl.
Snickering, Spike answered, “You probably did that already for half of the Everfree before we even left Ponyville! Just take a plate and chow down, we've all had our fill already.”
Without thinking, I grabbed the empty plate before me, used the tongs to dump a generous heap of several foodstuffs upon it, and started devouring the delicious stuff with reckless abandon.
Author's Note
I may have been a little vague with the last chapter's notes, so i'll rephrase, draw what conclusions you wish, I WILL be a smartass in the comments
Many thanks yet again go to Sneaky for helping proofread and catch my typos, also for discouraging a particularly bad joke from the opening sequence, don't ask, and encouraging me to actually write this filth in the first place, go check out his stuff!
Winging it With a Ukulele
After finishing a generous amount of food, my thoughts turned to what had happened the previous day and night. 'Let's see, I woke up, got dressed, had breakfast, then stepped out back to practice. And that's when I found myself face-to-face with the strangest creature I've ever seen, now known to be Princess Twilight Sparkle... Never passed out like that before, then again, never seen a purple pony with pegasus wings or a unicorn horn before either. Woke up to find Twilight still around, have 'fallen asleep' and then 'woke up' in dreams before, but never to the same dream, and now it has happened... Three times? Also worth noting would be the level of detail far exceeding typical dreams, and the complete lack of any frame of reference for the ponies or their architect- Is someone shouting?' I was shaken from my thoughts as my senses returned to reveal that I was currently the object of some amount of worry.
"HEY HOYT, YOU IN THERE?" Spike shouted.
"Spike, I think he's listening now, enough with the shouting," Twilight said. "Are you sure you're alright Hoyt? You are acting markedly different today. Do you normally zone out like that?"
"Well," I started, raising a hand to the back of my head, and regretting it as I was suddenly felt more than a little bit of pain. "OW! What the? Oh, right, damn that smarts. To answer your question, sometimes, not always, but mostly when I am trying to rationalize something that is difficult to comprehend. Typically the workings of an automatic transmission suffice, but finding myself on a completely different world, makes mankind's most complicated mechanical device small potatoes. I keep trying to rationalize this situation as a dream, but the more I think about it, the less probable that scenario becomes, and that thought is more than a little bit scary. 'Not freaking out' is starting to take some effort, the level of which is increasing as I process more of yesterday's events." Taking slow, deep breaths I forced myself to focus on maintaining calmness.
"So this behavior is not related to that bump on the head?" Rarity asked.
"No, the eating is from apple cider on an empty stomach and a light lunch. The 'zoning out' is from somehow ending up here," I replied.
"Well, I guess that's understandable then," she said with a contemplative look.
"By the way, so I can separate what was from what was not part of a dream; What was the last thing that happened before I blacked out?" I asked. Spike shrugged, and Rarity suddenly found great interest in her own hooves and hiding behind her abundant curls. Twilight tried to do the same but her short bangs failed to hide a very bright blush. "Applejack?" I asked.
"Eheh, yeah, uh, about that," Twilight trailed off as she spoke. Picking her volume back up she explained, "Well, it turns out that Rainbow and Applejack brought a bottle of apple schnapps. Whenever they do this at one of our parties, they start making bets, typically small, but almost invariably embarrassing for themselves or somepony else... Apparently Rainbow got A.J. to be the one to embarrass herself last night." She paused a moment, then continued, "I'm not sure if that counts as embarrassing for you too."
"So, the initial, and the follow-up?" I asked. Getting a cute little squeak and a nod in reply, I had to assume yes. "I don't reckon it's embarrassing, but I'm not quite sure how to feel about it... Kinda weird really, always expected my first real kiss would be with a human girl."
"WHAT?" Three voices shouted in unison, and then stumbled over each other's questions.
"One at a time please, let's start with Spike's as it is likely the quickest to answer," I said, knocking once on the table to silence questions being spoken over each other.
"You kissed Applejack?" the dragon blurted.
"Yes, or rather she kissed me. Now I'd hazard a guess that you two have the same question?" I asked, looking to the ponies on either side of me.
"Maybe you should go first Rarity, since your question will likely encompass mine."
"Why thank you Twilight, but I guess I've got two questions if that is fine?" she asked, looking between myself and the princess. When Twilight nodded, I did the same, and Rarity continued, "Do your people kiss? Romantically?" I nodded in response, anticipating what her next question might be. "Like Applejack did last night is what I mean."
"Yeah, kissing is a popular pastime between couples. Generally though 'French' kissing, or 'tongue wrestling' as some call it, is reserved for after a couple has established intimacy past the 'peck' and often later used to initiate further intimate acts," I explained. Realizing the potential for confusion I decided to quickly add, "This does not have a strict protocol, and does not, by my culture, obligate either party to further actions of a similar nature. Any rules regarding kissing as such in your culture?"
"It's about the same here, really. Though perhaps less formal than I would think likely for your society, given what you've told me so far," Twilight answered.
"Now Rarity, would it be safe to assume that your next question regards the number and or depth of my past relationships?"
"Well, kind of. You mean to say that, as smooth a talker as you are, you don't have the girls hanging on your every word?" Rarity asked incredulously.
"Correct, however there are multiple reasons for this. Highest among them being standards, on my part and the women's part. Other reasons would include the rate at which I can assess what kind of personality a girl has, and their compatibility with my own. And finally, motivation has been a big factor, I only recently got situated in my own home, away from my family. I'm not sure again about how it is here, but back home it is very difficult to have a relationship while living with a family that is invariably prone to butting into a couple's private matters. All of these factors combine to the end result being that while I have flirted with quite a lot of women, and gotten somewhat skilled at it, I've only been to the 'first date' stage four times, and only one gave me a peck on the lips before saying 'I'm not sure we would work together,' and giving me a consolation hug." I sighed, thinking of the old memory. "Damn shame, she was cute as a button too. Now, as delightfully distracting as this conversation is, I'd like to ask one quick question before taking some time to be alone with my thoughts. I'll have to face them sooner or later, is that alright with y'all?"
"I understand," Twilight said with a warm smile. "What was your question?"
"How'd it go for ya yesterday?" I asked Spike.
The dragon shrunk back a bit, but answered quietly, "Um, good, I guess... But, if you don't have much experience, then how do you know how to uh-"
"Like I explained yesterday, my powers of perception and observation work best when I am not a directly involved party, and I have helped about a dozen friends hook up in the past by observing both parties and advising accordingly. Yes, my firsthand experience is limited, but by reading a great many books and watching a great many people, I have amassed a fair wealth of knowledge that has seldom let me down," I explained. "Now Twilight, can I have my ukulele back? It helps me to play a little when I need to think."
"Oh, your instrument? The test found no magical properties, even less than mundane objects of local nature, so, I guess you can. But what kind of music was that you were playing in the park yesterday?" the princess replied.
"Hm? Oh, you're talking about the scale progressions? Those aren't music, but good practice for playing blues, which is one of the more fun styles to play. I take it you would prefer something more classical?" I asked, as Spike dragged a suitcase over from under a bench, and opened it to reveal my beloved ukulele.
Giggling, apparently at my enthusiasm to be reunited with my uke, Twilight asked a very strange question, "So, what is this 'blues'? You mentioned it to Pinkie last night, but I don't think I've heard of that genre."
Putting the strap over my head, I had to think about the best answer for a moment. "Blues music is... Well, it's emotional, raw, a bit 'gritty' you could say. Born of a particularly difficult time in American history, and of the struggles of a great many people who tended to get the worst end of the deal at that time. It was a way to express and share their sorrows, concerns and worries, so that the burden would not rest so heavily on their hearts and minds. Otherwise it was used as a style of playing to accompany words of humor and joy to uplift the spirits and give relief to an audience of sorrowed hearts. Heh, sorry, I'm prone to ramble sometimes." I shook my head and laughed a laugh that tried to catch in my throat, then offered, "Care to hear a short piece?"
"Are you sure that music would be best? I mean, if it comes from sadness..." Twilight said, worry in her voice.
"Heh, it comes from sad times, not sadness. The music itself is generally neutral, becoming happy or sad only once words are added," I said, getting my tuner out and attaching it to the headstock. Plucking the strings and adjusting them as needed, I continued, "Besides, I don't know any lyrics, I just enjoy the music itself. How about I start with a simple eight-bar and then I'll play something else if you don't like it?"
As I hammered out a few pentatonic scales and basic chords without strumming, the answer came, "OK," and with that I began plucking away one of the first bits of structured music I learned. After only two repetitions I was interrupted. "Does it continually to repeat that pattern?" Twilight asked.
"Until the lyrics finish, yes. So, on to something you may enjoy more, Beethoven's 'Fur Elise' . This is a simplified version that also loops, but I find it better for contemplation," I said, setting into the charming sequence of the masterful piece.
Quite a while passed, as I played the old song and sank into my own thoughts...
So, this is REAL then... I would wonder how I should respond if I hadn't already, but... Maybe I should reset and consider what has happened. A life altering event? Yes. Transportation to a different world? All signs point to yes. Insanity? Some signs point to 'yes', but that question itself points away along with several others, will have to consider this option further at a later time. Fuck it, let's consider that option now, what are the known types of insanity? Well, that topic has not been a high priority for study, but circumstances would point towards 'schizophrenia' if it is indeed present, disregarding the low likelihood of onset at my age, though absence of 'real world' stimuli would indicate that the illusion is either complete, comatose dreaming, or not illusionary at all. On that thought the latter two options are most likely, though 'dreaming' has already been determined a low probability, indicating a high likelihood that I have actually found myself somehow transported to a world of talking ponies... Danger assessment of situation? low, if any, maintaining guard still advisable. Impact of change to survival potential? Unsure, possible improvement. Quality of life change unknown, technological development of this world yet to be seen, but ponies seem far friendlier than humans thus far, and companionship appears easier to acquire, so maybe up.
Companionship? Can I really consider that so quickly? This world has only Ponies, quadrapedal equines, similar to earth horses. Similarities with earth equines end at overall body shape, and mechanics of legs, otherwise facial structure is far more human, as is expression and apparent socialization. Both subjects of flirtatious experimentation have responded positively, plus another adding tangent data... Notably pleasant tangent data. Wait, 'pleasant'? The presence of cinnamon burning on my lips, the taste of apples pushed around my mouth as Applejack's tongue played with my own...
"Um, Hoyt? You stopped playing ten minutes ago. We're about to be at the Canterlot station, are you alright?" Twilight asked cautiously, snapping me from my reverie.
"Huh? Oh, sure, just some of the strangest thoughts of my life so far is all. Um, guess I should ask what to expect in Canterlot?" I posed.
The princess raised a hoof to her chin in thought before answering, "Well, a lot more ponies, stone architecture, and guard presence is not hidden the way it is in Ponyville."
"Guard presence? Huh, alright, about how long 'til we're at the station?" I asked, noticing that Spike and Rarity had gone somewhere else.
Twilight stared out the window for a moment before answering, "About fifteen minutes, which means that I need to get dressed." Seeing my confusion she continued, "As a princess, I am expected wear a royal regalia when in our capital city of Canterlot. Rarity just likes to dress up, so you know why she's getting dressed. I'll be back in a few minutes." As I watched her leave to another section of the car, I couldn't help but wonder what 'Royal Regalia' means, and also what Rarity would wear.
"You are the human known as 'Hoyt,' correct?" Twilight had not returned before the train lurched to a stop at what must have been Canterlot Station. In the meantime a stallion clad in plate armor had entered the car, and approached me with what I assumed to be a defensive posture, ears back.
"Nope, just a monkey with severe hair loss," I said, giving a smile and holding a cup from the table towards him while plucking randomly at the strings on my uke. Needless to say he was far from entertained. Putting the cup back on the table, I stood and looked down at him, "Lighten up a little, yes I am Hoyt the human. Guess we're waiting on Twilight, Rarity and Spike then?"
At just that moment a door opened behind me and the guard lowered himself, "Princess Twilight, Gleaming Shield at your service. The royal chariot awaits."
Twilight groaned in annoyance, "Gleaming, aren't you under standing orders not to bow to me outside of ceremonies?" At this the guard's eyes shot wide open and his face reddened as he quickly stood. "As per usual, we will be waiting momentarily while Rarity readies herself, please inform the rest of the guard." Once Gleaming left Twilight sighed, "Sorry about that, they tend to be a bit too intense most of the time."
"Well I was being a bit of a smartass, so I can't really blame him for being a bit on edge," I said as I turned to see the princess in a slimming gold trimmed red dress, star adorned tiara along with golden shoes bearing the same star. She blushed as a low whistle escaped my lips unchecked, then I did the same upon realizing what I had done. Scratching my head and looking away I said, "That's a uh, a very nice dress you have on there." 'What the fuck is coming over me? I saw her naked all day yesterday, but put a dress on her and suddenly we're back to bumbling idiot?
"Oh, well, thanks?" Twilight replied, voice sounding unsure of her response. Turning back to the door she had just come from, the princess knocked twice and called out, "Hey Rarity? They're already waiting with the chariot."
A rustling noise could be heard through the door, and Rarity called back, "Alright, just a few more seconds please, and I'll be ready." After a short few moments, and no small effort of magic by the sound of it, Rarity came out from the other room. A deep blue arch brim hat sat pertly atop her head, and she wore an equally blue dress with a deep v neckline, both of which had a delicate gold trim. The small shoes and silken stockings that rose half way up her forelegs trapped my gaze long enough to warrant a laugh from the white unicorn. "Darling? I'm up here," she tittered.
My cheeks burned like they hadn't done in years and I immediately forced my focus out the window. "I see you also have quite a fine dress to wear. Would it be safe to assume that both are of your own design?" I asked, intently forcing my gaze to stay averted.
"But of course darling, after seeing the pictures from Twilight's fabulous coronation, I simply had to remake, and revamp the dresses that were made for the occasion in such a hurry. Given your reaction I must say they seem to pass quality control," the fashionista tittered even more.
"So are you guys absolutely sure I have to wear this?" Spike asked walking into the room in a snappy tuxedo jacket with frilled shirt. "I mean, I've been to the castle a bunch of times before and never had to dress up except for the gala," he huffed.
"Well this visit is to welcome someone new to our world, surely that warrants a bit of fancy dress?" Twilight said, an almost motherly tone to her voice.
"Huh, I guess you're right," the dragon ceded.
"With that settled, why don't we get going?" the princess interjected. Spike was first out of the car, followed by Twilight and Rarity before myself, with some insistence towards the mares.
Once again wearing the hat that Rarity made for me, I looked up to see that the city had quite an impressive skyline, at least to my 'country' eyes. I sat low in the chariot, ignoring the fact that it was being pulled by sentient ponies, and remaining mostly unseen by those we passed. The near constant hum of magic put me off from playing anything as we rode along and the two ponies riding along waved to an occasional pony I guess they recognized. "This is nice and all, but how long does it take to reach the castle?" I finally asked. Twilight gave me a questioning look, so I explained, "It's kind of jarring, this city. I'm hoping the palace is nice and quiet."
"Hmm, maybe if you sat up and looked around a little more, you'd see that there isn't really that much to worry about. Canterlot is a pretty nice place once you adjust to the hustle and bustle," Twilight suggested. Smiling nervously I complied, sitting cross-legged in the chariot gave me a vantage point over the ponies milling about at surface level, but put me even with the shoulders of the two ponies also sitting in the chariot. Looking around, I saw a great many ponies walking about, in and out of shops, foals running about occasionally being hoisted back to a mare's side by magic, really quite an idyllic scene. As I felt myself start to smile the princess snickered. "Feeling better?" she asked.
Chuckling a little despite myself, I nodded and answered, "Yeah, I guess a little."
"Ooh, stop the chariot!" Rarity insisted suddenly, and Twilight rang a bell signalling the 'drivers' to comply. Rarity waved and called to someone obstructed from my view, "Darling, over here! It has simply been too long."
A smooth English gentleman's voice answered, "Lady Rarity, it is lovely to see you again, and Your Highness as well. What brings you to town on this fine day?"
"We're on our way to the castle, of course, but I just had to introduce you to our new friend, Hoyt," Rarity said, stepping closer to the back of the chariot to no longer be obstructing the view between myself and a large white stallion standing beside the chariot with a blue mane and mustache wearing a posh looking suit jacket.
After looking me over for a moment, he cocked an eyebrow and spoke, "I heard a rumor about an appearance in Ponyville, I would hazard a guess that that was you?"
Feeling improper to be sitting down for an introduction, I slid to the side of the carriage/chariot and stood before speaking, "I would have to assume you're right sir, and as Lady Rarity has already said, I am Hoyt, nice to meet you." As I held my hand forward I noticed he stood nearly to my shoulders.
Had it not been for the abundance of magic in the background I may have heard Rarity stifling a giggle. "Wonderful to make your acquaintance Sir Hoyt, a friend of Rarity, is a friend of Fancy Pants," he said, grasping my hand with his hoof.
"Ah, so you're Fancy Pants, well met indeed. Your name actually came up in conversation yesterday. Um, what was it we were discussing Rarity? It seems to have slipped my mind," I said, using almost all of my self control not to laugh, and a little more to ensure I looked her in the eyes as she stared at me, baffled momentarily about how best to proceed.
Shortly though, Rarity regained most of her composure and started stammering out her response, "Ah, well you see Fancy, yesterday afternoon Tw- Princess Twilight and Mister Hoyt here were visiting my boutique, and the question came up regarding how formal the attire he wore upon his arrival was. And he, not knowing about yourself of course, answered 'I'm not wearing my fancy pants,' eheh." I could see sweat running from her forehead by the time she finished.
Putting his hoof back to the ground, Fancy bellowed a healthy laugh and stomped a few times. "Good show old chap. I say we should meet again when you're not keeping anypony waiting at the castle," he said before turning to the chariot and dipping his head to bow. "Good day to you Your Majesty, Milady and Sirs."
When the stallion turned to leave, I couldn't help an observation, "You're not wearing any pants?"
Turning back, Fancy rather coolly stated, "Neither are you."
"Touche," I ceded, realizing that I currently was not wearing my normal style of clothing. "Good day to you sir," I added before climbing back into the chariot and resuming my sitting position.
As the chariot resumed carrying us towards the castle, Spike did a poor job of stifling some giggles and muttering 'Fancy Pants', while Twilight and Rarity forced straight expressions onto their faces.
"Wow," was all I could manage as we approached Canterlot Castle.
Author's Note
Shit seeming kinda fuckin' weird? Yeah, bear with me, over the next chapter or two, and maybe an interlude, all will be explained, just trust me on this.
OK, small anouncement with this one, completely written and posted from my tablet, which I'm kinda proud of, that I managed to figure this little bastard out that is. Why is this important? Because I'm going to be moving soon and thus without internet for a while, but being able to use this thing means I can just hop to town and jack mcdonalds wifi to keep you all entertained, YAY!
yet again many thanks go to Sneaky (hope the hyperlink works this time) for proofreading.
Winging it With a Ukulele
Ch. 9 Royal Introductions
The Castle's outer wall rose high and stretched far, bending in the distance to presumably meet the mountain face. To either side of the great arch-topped gates banners flew, proudly displaying a sun on a field of white, next to a magenta star on a field of lavender and finally a crescent moon with stars on a field of midnight blue. "Wow, I've never gotten to see a proper castle before, this place is HUGE! Would those be the standards of the princesses?" I asked Twilight.
"Hmm? Oh yes, Celestia, myself and Luna," she said, pointing to indicate each of the banners. "Wait, you've never even seen a castle? Wow, your world must be weird."
"We have castles, but for me to see one would mean about seven thousand miles of travel, or simple pictures which I have seen. Photographs don't do the real thing justice," I said, marvelling at the grand and bizarre architecture.
Coming to a stop in front of a huge pair of doors, Twilight, Rarity, Spike and myself left the chariot, and I followed the ponies' example of thanking the drivers before they snorted and pulled it away. As we proceeded towards the doorway the unicorn guards to either side lit their horns and opened the way to the opulent halls within.
The great chamber was clearly intended to impress, which it did. From the polished stone floors and walls, to the stained glass windows and tapestries, as well as the luxurious carpet and towering columns, this place left no doubt that it was home to royalty. Spotting the detail in one of the windows, my curiosity drew me closer like a moth to a flame. At the top, in the midst of a starburst of light and dark pinks was a very strange looking creature that would make a platapus look normal, but below was a depiction of six ponies with similarly pink halos. The ponies in the window looked so very familiar, and then like a ton of bricks it hit me, 'I know them, that's Twilight and her friends! Wait a second...' "Twilight?" I called, not taking my eyes from the window.
"Hmm? Oh, that. This window commemorates when we used the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord. A few years ago he broke out of his stone prison and wrought havoc all over Equestria, but history will have to wait; right now we have an appointment to get to," Twilight explained, nodding away further into the palace.
I continued to stare, sensing something was wrong. "Hold the phone, where are your wings?" I asked, pointing at her depiction and finally turning to look at her.
Twilight brought a hoof to her neck, and was intensely interested in scrutinizing the other for a moment as the aforementioned appendages twitched almost wildly at her sides. After a moment she leveled her head, brought the hoof from her neck to her chest and made a show of releasing a deep breath. "Hehe, sorry um, as I said, history will have to wait. All will be explained soon enough though," she said, pleading with her eyes for the question to be put off.
"Okay," I ceded and moved to again follow as she lead the way through the grandiose palace.
Just as my feet were starting to complain about the length of the walk, Twilight announced, "There's the throne room, just ahead." I notice her wing twitch a bit as they had sporadically since the talk at the window earlier.
"Princess Twilight," the two guards bowed in unison at her approach. One stood and addressed the princess directly, "Your Highness, Princess Celestia has moved the meeting to her private study. Apologies for the inconvenience."
"Thank you sir, we'll be headed there then," she replied cheerily.
As we set off further down the corridor, I realized that there had been rather little small talk, and the continuous clopping of hooves on stone floor didn't help. After a moment a thought came to mind, 'I totally threw Rarity under the bus back there with Fancy Pants, didn't I?' "Hey, Rarity?" I asked, getting her attention, as well as the other's. "Just realized, a bit late I know, but, back there with Fancy Pants? That was kind of a jerk move on my part, sorry about that." I offered a sympathetic smile as she turned to face me.
"Darling, I had the impulse to call him over to see your reaction. It is I who should apologize," Rarity replied, raising a hoof to her chest, somehow without changing her gait.
"Well, the apology is mutual then. Anyhow, just how big is this place, Twilight? Feels like we've gone far enough to cross a small town," I said, turning to the princess.
"The Castle? Well, it is almost as large as Ponyville, and we are getting close to the far end where Celestia's study is, so your assessment is correct. Speaking of which, there's her study up ahead." Twilight pointed at two guards and a door on the left side of the hall.
"Ah, so the long walk is nearly at its end, that's a relief. My feet are starting to get tired of this stone floor." As we approached the door in question the guards remained still, only moving their eyes to stay focused on me as they lit their horns to open the ornate doors, revealing a staircase.
At the top of the stairs we entered a large, round, well appointed room with a fireplace, bookcases and a couple of desks and dressers lining the wall. In the middle of the room was a very large red cushion, not unlike a massively oversized beanbag, accompanied by a few smaller cushions, and a single wooden armchair that looked not at all like it was built for a pony, but for a human, a wealthy one at that. For a moment we seemed to be alone in the room, until a tannish mare with a dark brown mane pulled into a bun revealed herself from behind the door and bowed to introduce herself, "Good evening Princess Twilight and guests, I am Speedy Quill. The Princesses Celestia and Luna will be along shortly, but they have asked that I pass this message to you Tw- er, Princess Twilight. I have also been instructed to inquire if any refreshments would be required?" she asked as she passed a scroll to Twilight.
"The usual tea and biscuits would be lovely, Quill," Twilight replied as she unrolled the scroll and started across the room. "Oh, Quill? Some ice as well, for our special guest," she added with a smile before the mare could leave.
"Of course, ma'am." With that, Quill left the room hurriedly.
Twilight tittered as she scanned the parchment she'd been given, thinking aloud, "It's good to see some of the staff still remember me as me and not princess ." Finding this odd I looked to see if Rarity or Spike had any reaction, which they didn't shy of each giving their own small nod. Speaking again, Twilight turned to each of us in turn, "Spike, you know which cushion is customarily yours, Rarity, you are to take that one, and for you, Hoyt, the chair has been provided in consideration of your unique posture..." She paused, looking at the cushion she had indicated for Rarity, and the medium sized one between it and the large one she herself now sat in the middle of. Twilight 'hmm'ed to herself as the rest of us took our appointed seats, myself feeling awkward for sitting in such a finely carved chair, and for sitting higher than the room's other occupants.
Spike sat upon a smallish cushion between myself and the large central one Twilight took. I was noticing the fine carving and craftsmanship of the chair as the doors opened again and I heard two sets of hoofsteps enter, pulling my attention away from the wood, and to the newly arrived ponies. The first I noticed was a unicorn stallion, nearly as large as Macintosh, pure white and with an electric blue mane, and a red uniform jacket that made me think of so many tourist photos from Buckingham Palace but without the large hat of the 'Beefeaters'. On his right was a tall and slender pink unicorn mare with a long flowing mane striped with violet, rose and gold, wearing a very elegant baby-blue dress that shimmered as she moved. Twilight, for her part, hadn't noticed, and continued to go over the message and point a hoof around as if counting the room's occupants and seating positions. The new arrivals stood just inside the room as I watched for a reaction from Spike or Rarity, both of whom simply watched between the unresponsive Twilight lost in thought, and the couple at the door.
As I sat and watched, completely unsure of the proprieties to be observed, salvation from the awkwardness came in the form of the stallion clearing his throat to get Twilight's attention. At this abrupt noise the purple mare looked up, and realization dawned slightly upon her face. "Ah, that seat would be for Shiny and Cadance," she said, thinking aloud before looking up again to the newcomers, whereupon realization struck her anew, with a mix of other emotions. "Shining! Cadance! What are you two doing here?" she asked as she ran across the room to embrace them.
"Well, sis, we heard there was an important meeting, and that you'd be here," Shining Armor replied, hugging back tightly.
"Of course, we hardly need a reason to visit our Twilight, right dear?" Cadance asked Shining over the back of Twilight.
"Oh, right, introductions are in order," Twilight said, pulling back from the embrace. "Of course you remember Spike and Rarity, and here is the new guy, Hoyt, he's from Earth!" she announced, sounding somewhat proud, as if of a discovery.
"Haha, hi there, nice to meet you," I said, as I stood and turned to bow while taking off my hat and hanging my ukulele over the back of the chair.
Turning to me, Twilight continued, "Hoyt, this is Princess Cadance, and my brother, Prince Shining Armor." She indicated each in turn.
With a chuckle, Shining said, "Really, you can just call me Shining."
Taking his offered hoof, I replied, "Fair enough, call me whatever you want, anything but 'late for dinner'." Seeing that I got nothing but odd looks for my joke, I explained, "It's an old joke back home, 'don't call me late for dinner'... Means 'call me what you will if the food is ready'." An understanding 'Ah' rang through the room. "Yeah, it never was that big a hit back home either," I finished with a shrug.
Stepping to face the newly arrived princess, I knelt onto one knee and took her offered hoof in my right hand, still holding the hat to my chest with my left. "And of course, the lovely Princess Cadance," I spoke, bringing her hoof to my brow as I had with Twilight just a day before. A warning cough from Shining drew my attention to his stern gaze with raised eyebrow. "Hmm? Ah, I get what you're thinking Shining, but this is not quite that. What I have just done is a greeting for higher nobility of the female gender, what would be appropriately upsetting would be a very similar greeting with the point of contact about five inches lower, and some slightly different mannerisms involved. Shall I demonstrate to prove the difference?" I asked, still holding Cadance's hoof. Seeing Shining's brow only raise higher, I released said hoof and stood to address Rarity, "Rarity, if you would be so kind as to volunteer for this demonstration?"
After a short pause out of surprise, Rarity smiled and trotted the few steps to approach. "But of course darling," she chirped as she moved to stand in profile to the observing nobles.
"Thank you ma'am." Twilight had her quill and scroll ready for taking notes as I began, "First, I should explain that I kneel simply for the sake of elevation, as my height is somewhat prohibitive to either gesture. Most women back home are about the same height as myself, you see." I paused, waiting for Twilight to finish writing before I knelt and continued, "With that matter resolved, the greeting for a noble, as I was taught, would begin from this point with a compliment or simple statement of title, or preferably both." At this time I held out my hand to receive Rarity's hoof, and explained further, "This is also when the gentleman takes the lady's hand, or hoof as the case may be. A side note would be the posture of the thumb as it also differs between the two greetings, for this one it is held alongside or under the lady's hand, but never over in a dominant position, and also it should be still so as not to imply intimacy. While the compliment is being paid, eye contact is also maintained until the head is bowed, like so." I turned to look into Rarity's eyes and said in an even tone, "Fair Lady Rarity, it is an honor to make your acquaintance."
After returning my gaze to her face, having gone through the prescribed motions of bringing her hoof to my brow, I turned again to speak to Shining and the princesses, still holding Rarity's hoof, "The contact is brief, and as you will observe, she is glad to be properly greeted, but nothing more. Now for the 'Courtesan's' greeting, if I remember the name correctly, it changes from the point of taking the hand, er, hoof. With this greeting the thumb and fingers are allowed to play a little, still not to take a dominant or gripping posture, but they can feel around." I punctuated the point by brushing my thumb over the top of Rarity's hoof, getting a faint giggle, before continuing again, "Also the compliment will pick up a great deal of intensity, often including the tone of voice becoming 'sultry' or 'seductive' in the process. And perhaps the most important change is the eye contact, which is maintained throughout, as the- hoof, is brought in for a gentle brush of the lips, or a kiss if you're bold enough."
Rarity tittered as I turned my gaze back to her smiling, deep blue eyes. I cleared my throat and assumed my best seductive tone, "Fair Lady Rarity, it is ever so lovely to make your acquaintance this fine evening." Bringing the silken socked hoof up, I was successful in aiming for just above the delicate shoe for a light peck of a kiss. Letting the hoof return partway to its owner, I gave a slight squeeze with my fingers as I winked at her again as I had the day before.
Bringing her hoof to her face, it was obvious for all to see that Rarity was putting up a hard fight to maintain her composure. Turning back to the royal audience, I saw that Shining Armor and Cadence were clearly impressed, and Twilight was taking notes at a furious pace. "You see, this time the reaction is quite different, observe the blushing cheeks, suppressed giggles and grin that is too wide to hide. This greeting is very different, with the intended results being that the lady is flattered, and perhaps inclined towards engaging in further romantic pursuit. Whereas the greeting I gave your good lady wife suggests only that I wish to be polite and impress," I finished, resting my case as I stood to bow, having completed my performance.
Twilight finished her notes, gave them a quick glancing over, and focused a flash of magic to bring a copy to rest in front of Cadance. Going again over the beginning of her notes, she stopped and looked very curiously at me before asking, "But, didn't you say yesterday that your country has no royalty? Why then would you know such a greeting?"
I couldn't help a smile at this response, along with a chuckle. "In recent years it has become popular to hold festivals, called 'renaissance fairs', where people go about pretending to be in the olden times and places when and where courtship had more emphasis on the court , as in the king or queen's court, and such courtly behaviours were the rule rather than the exception. The costumes and theatrics make for a nice break from life's daily grind for a weekend, and of course lessons are often offered on courtly etiquette. I just happened to take a keen interest in the more... romantic side of it," I explained.
"Huh, so, might you be offering some of these lessons?" Cadance playfully asked, nodding towards Shining with a half hidden smirk.
"Hey," Shining protested, grinning at his wife's teasing.
Cadance gave him a quick reassuring peck on the lips and pulled back to smile at him. "You know you're mine, and I'm yours, but it wouldn't hurt to maybe go over Twily's notes? Could be fuuun..." she suggested with a certain fire in her eyes.
Shining 'hmm'ed briefly before turning to his sister and reading the scroll over her shoulder with rapt attention. A slight, barely audible ruffle drew my attention to a magnificent pair of pink and purple wings spreading from Cadance's back, and soon my eyes were locked onto hers. At first it seemed as though she was not looking at me, but through me, but then it felt like she wasn't looking through , but rather into me. Soon her wings folded, and my head felt fuzzy, as if I had had an important thought, and lost it; a question that had to be asked, lost on a brain-fart. "Shall we sit while we wait? The tea should be arriving soon," noted Cadance.
As if on cue, Quill, along with an apron wearing unicorn came in with a few trays and a small table floating along in tow. While we all took our seats, Shining and Cadance sharing the medium cushion, the servers set up the table with the trays on it, and set to pouring steaming hot tea into cups with saucers. Twilight floated a few cubes of ice over one of the cups before stopping to ask, "You do prefer your tea iced, right?"
Realizing that the question was directed at me, I sat up straight and made myself answer, "Oh, uh, yes please. Thank you." Clink, clink, clink, three cubes fell in to be joined by the hot tea, crackling from the heat. When the cup then floated in front of me, I remembered an awkward moment from the night before and asked, "So, is it okay to just, grab it? As I explained I have limited experience with flying beverages."
Rarity and Twilight snickered at this, while Cadance raised a brow and the guys didn't seem to get what I was on about. "Yes, it is perfectly fine to grasp something being offered to you with magic," she said, floating another cup in front of Spike as he demonstrated the ability to simply grab it as the magic dissipated. Seeing this, I followed suit by bringing my left hand under and my right around the cup, feeling its weight settle into my palm as the magic faded from around it.
"Alright, I guess, still seems weird, all this magic and stuff," I said.
A soft tone, delicate and powerful came from the door as it glowed with a golden light and swung open. Into the room walked two of the most enchanting creatures I had ever seen, both with long manes that flagged about as if on a breeze that wasn't present, and both also displaying great beautiful wings proudly standing from their backs. The first was a dominating presence; tall and almost luminously white, her mane striped with blue, burgundy, and green was held loosely with an ornate golden clasp, she wore a robe of light blue and a royal purple mantle edged with ornate gold embroidery, and decorative bands around her forelegs above elegant golden shoes. The second was a captivating presence; tall but slightly less so and deep indigo blue, her mane looked as if it were made from a piece of the night sky with little twinkling stars flitting about, also held loosely but with a silvery clasp just as ornate, her own robe off white with a crimson red mantle edged with silver embroidery matching her shoes.
Such was their majesty that I hardly noticed as Twilight ran up and hugged each in turn, breaking me from my inadvertent staring when I heard the sound of my own name. "Hoyt, meet my mentor and 'former' teacher, Princess Celestia of Equestria," Twilight proclaimed proudly, indicating the large white pony. "As well as my very good friend and also fellow Princess of Equestria, Luna," she said, smiling as she gestured a hoof towards the enchanting, angelic visage of the star-maned mare.
I stood as a sense of surreality slipped over me, and first addressed Celestia, "Honored to meet you, Your Majesty." She stood eye level with me so I only bowed to bring her hoof to my forehead as she placed it in my hand. As Celestia's hoof slipped away from my palm, I turned to Luna, who hesitantly placed her own hoof in my hand. "I apologize for staring, but your beautiful mane held me captivated, Your Majesty," I said, looking into her wondrous green eyes before bringing her hoof to my brow with a slightly deeper bow than was needed for the same gesture with Celestia.
"Well, it is refreshing to see that chivalry yet survives, even if slightly altered. It is quite nice to meet you as well, Sir Hoyt," Celestia said with a voice that would seem as if from a choir of angels.
"Indeed, Sir Hoyt, we are quite pleased to make your acquaintance as well," said Luna, her voice every bit as sweet as the larger pony's.
Before I could comment, the princesses all moved to sit upon the large cushion. Those of Equestria at least; Cadance remained by Shining Armor on the adjacent cushion. "Have a seat, please, there is much to discuss," Celestia said, gesturing a gold shod hoof to the lone chair in the room. As I sat, my hat was enveloped in magic and floated over to be inspected closely as she commented, "I must say, I'll have to give Ponyville more credit in the future. Never would have guessed you two to move so fast though." She brushed a hoof along each feather in the hat as she looked to the corresponding ponies with a sly grin.
Twilight and Rarity stared between the hat and Celestia rapidly, and having quite the race between themselves to determine who could turn redder faster. Feeling my own face warm rather suddenly, I heard snickering as Cadance reached over to tap Luna's shoulder and say, "Look Luna, his blush goes clean to the top of his head!" Suddenly the full attention of three princesses and one prince were on my head, literally. This also made me aware of my own participation in the ongoing race.
Laughing nervously, I scratched my head and cleared my throat. "It was me that picked those feathers, actually," I said, getting all remaining eyes on me, and silencing Cadance.
Celestia cocked an eyebrow as she stared at me a moment before turning to Cadance to ask curiously, "So Cady, how are things going in the Empire?" With those words the race gained a fourth participant, whose pink coloration gave a head start.
"Well, the nobility aren't so bad, and the fashion industry seems to be picking up with the times..." Cadance softly replied. Celestia waved a hoof for her to continue, so she did, "Lavender Blossom and Star Shimmer seem quite nice at least, and Seldom Occurrence's shop is getting quite popular." As Cadence spoke Twilight, Luna and Rarity seemed to take keen interest in her words. "Shiny Days may prove problematic in the court however."
Celestia shrugged at this before speaking to me, "Sorry for the interruption. You see, my niece rules over the Crystal Empire, our neighbors and allies to the north, and I just now remembered to ask about her report on their wellbeing. So, with matters of state aside, what are your thoughts on Equestria thus far? It has been quite some time since I've heard an outsider's honest opinion."
Embarrassment forgotten, I took a moment to consider my experiences thus far before answering, "Well, so far everyone seems more than friendly enough, but my exposure has hardly been enough to develop a proper comparative analysis. Really this has all been very confusing from the beginning for me."
"Very well, do you have some questions of your own that you'd like to ask? I should think there would be no shortage of inquiries for a person in your peculiar predicament," Celestia said.
"A great many questions, I assure you, but where to start? How did I get here? How do I get home? Can I go home? How is it that there are so many parallels between this world and my own? And then there is a myriad of questions I keep asking myself but have no answers for, which is yet another new experience for me, and I'm still not sure how to feel about that, among other things..." I said, feeling a wide mix of emotions start to flood through my being.
Celestia sighed and turned to Luna, who nodded with slight remorse barely showing in her eyes. Turning back to me she said, "Very well, I think we have some explaining to do, involving magic and a bit of physiology."
"Physiology?" I asked.
"Yes, physiology. Are you comfortable? Because this, is going to take a while," she said. I turned the chair to better face her and retrieved my cup of tea from the table in response as I sat and readied myself as well as I could for a long lecture.
A long lecture was exactly what I got, to say the least. At the end of it all, I was shocked, more than I had ever been before, even more than I was at Applejack's oral ambush the night before. "Well, that paints this horse a different color." The words slipped from my mouth before I could consider the ramifications of my statement. "Oh, shit."
Author's Note
ok, so, sorry about the long delay, but this was not an easy chapter to write, trying to keep everypony in character here was a bit of a bitch, but hopefully i pulled it off, maybe...
anyhow, many thanks go yet again to Sneaky for proof reading this, whatever this is... but yeah, go check out his stuff, especially 'close bonds' which is awesome.
ps. little extra note, i uploaded this the day before yesterday, and derped out on pressing the 'publish' button... FACEDESK
Winging it With a Ukulele
Cadence slept soundly as morning approached the Crystal Empire. As Shining Armor lay awake by his sleeping wife, she began to twitch and grow restless in her slumber, causing him to become concerned. "Cady," he said, gently nudging her to awaken. When his wife only rolled over in response, he nudged her more earnestly, raising his voice slightly as he called to her sleeping form, "Cady, wake up. Are you having a bad dream?" The Crystal Princess continued to fitfully twitch about, but Shining was answered by a puff of smoke that coalesced over her and became a scroll with Celestia's familiar seal on it, which he promptly opened to read;
Prince Shining Armor,
I have written to inform you that you need not worry about Cadence at this time, Luna is with her, and everything is well. In the meantime it would be appreciated if you would take Cadence to the Chamber of the Crystal Heart. All will be made clear afterwards.
With gratitude,
Princess Celestia of Equestria
"That's... strange," the stallion said, looking again at his not-quite-sleeping spouse as she continued to twitch and turn. Focusing his magic to levitate her alongside himself, he started out of the royal bedchamber. "Let's get you to the Chamber then, so whatever is happening can be sorted out."
Celestia was on her way through the long hallways of Canterlot Castle heading towards the throne room for the morning's court. The brisk morning air from the balcony clung to her coat in a pleasing fashion. Suddenly she felt a shock, as if from a blast, that made her stumble momentarily. A glance down the hall revealed to her that the guards had not been so affected, but were approaching to be sure of her wellness. Before either guard could speak she cut them off, "Inform my steward that today's court is cancelled, and I will address any concerns tomorrow." That said, the great princess of the day turned and quickly ran towards the Lunar suite.
Luna sat at a small table on the western balcony of her chambers, enjoying the early morning vision of Canterlot as many of her little ponies went to work or rest. As she happily awaited her morning supper, she felt a strange wave of sorts, and quickly set about surveying if anypony had been hurt. The scene below hadn't changed, ponies still milling about as was their routine, and this was cause for alarm. Stepping quickly to the main doors of her chambers, she opened them and addressed the guards standing outside, "Celestia will be coming shortly, do not impede her entry. Also tell the servant to place my supper on the lectern, I will partake it when ready." With that she closed the doors and turned to her bedroom.
Celestia came running into her younger sister's bedroom unannounced and was almost startled to find Luna's midnight blue form laying peacefully on the bed. Approaching she saw a short note on the bed next to Luna, "Join me." Celestia recognized what this meant and turned to the guards at the door. "We are not to be disturbed under any circumstances. Any emergency that should rise will have to simply be noted and ourselves informed later, understood?" When the two guards nodded the affirmative, she turned and trotted to the side of the bed not presently occupied by her sister and lay down, forcing her own mind to be quiet as she drifted off.
"Tia? Luna? What's going on?" Cadence rather urgently asked the two princesses who'd apparently invaded her dreams.
"Twilight must already be awake and investigating," Luna said, observing the purple princess' absence.
"No doubt that is the case, so I take it you two felt the disturbance as well?" Celestia asked her counterparts.
Cadence nodded and Luna spoke, "Yes, of course sister, but I have a favor to ask." Celestia looked to Luna, who continued, "I need you to inform Prince Shining Armor that he needs to get Cadence to The Heart. Meanwhile, I will stay and keep Cadence here with me for her own portion of the briefing."
"Very well, I will see you soon Cadence." Celestia nodded to the other princesses and vanished as she awoke.
"The Heart?! Luna! what is going on here?" Cadence asked, quite surprised to have heard the words she had.
"It is nothing to fear, you are still young and do not yet know all of the mysteries of this world. Shortly a new being will come to Equestria, and you have a critical role to play in their introduction," Luna said.
"What? What do you mean I have a critical role to play? What new being? What's going on?" Cadence asked hurriedly.
Luna sighed. "Fortunately, we have the nature of dreams and their separation from real time allowing me to properly explain. You do want an explanation, don't you?" she asked the pink mare, who stared at her incredulously. "Alright, just watch, and as you do, all will become clear regarding the urgency of this matter, and the role you are to play."
Something akin to a movie screen appeared to the side, and as the two watched, an old story was told.
Celestia rose from the silken blue bedspread and walked to the nearby desk where Luna's personal writing supplies were. Quickly she wrote a letter to settle Shining's nerves, and instruct him to carry Cadence to where she needed to be. Then calculating the time needed for his task, wrote another with a delayed sending spell to arrive at the correct time before rejoining her sister and Cadence.
As the story came to a close, Cadence was on the verge of tears, barely managing words, but doing so, "So, that stallion?"
"Yes," Luna answered.
"He came from..?"
"Yes."
"And then he?"
"Yes, he did."
"And after all of that?"
"All on his own," Luna said with a faraway voice, swallowing a hitch in her throat. "That is why I- we are glad to have you in The Empire, and with the Heart in a position to prevent a repeat of history's past."
"That's... That's terrible! All that time and, and..." Before Cadence could finish, she found herself in a warm embrace with Luna as they were wrapped in Celestia's luminescent wings.
Shining Armor at long last got Cadence to the top of the tower, to The Chamber of the Crystal Heart, and carefully laid her down on a cushion brought by a servant. Almost as soon as the servant left the chamber, another letter coalesced and fell before Cadence;
Shining,
I need you to position Cadence so that she is facing eight and a half degrees to the right of Canterlot, with the Heart directly in front of her. This I know will sound like quite a strange request, but the clarity I promised before will be among the results.
Thank you, truly,
'Tia
"Your affinity for love makes you quite sensitive to such matters of the heart Cadence. So, do you understand what must be done? What must be prevented?" Celestia asked, keeping her wings around the other two princesses.
"Yes 'Tia, I do," Cadence said, wiping a welling tear from her eye. "And thank you Luna, for helping me see what is now needed of me. Guess I have my work cut out for me, huh?"
"As do I," replied Luna with a warm smile as Celestia removed her wings. "Take care Cadence, as that is powerful magic you wield."
"Same to you Luna," Cadence rebutted with a raspberry as the dreamstate faded around the three alicorns.
Luna awoke to find herself inexplicably warm in her own bed, even though she was on top of the bed's covers. Not that she minded the warmth, but a brief glance at her back revealed the source to be a large white blanket, born of Celestia's own wing draped across her. "Tia, not that I mind, but you do have some work of your own to do, as do I," Luna groaned at the elder alicorn in her bed. "I'm already going to get little enough sleep today, don't make it worse by giving me such warmth only to steal it away."
Taking just slightly longer to awaken herself, Celestia smiled sheepishly at Luna, "Sorry Lulu, you know it's just about the only way I can reach the dreamstate at this hour." As she spoke, Celestia pulled the smaller princess tight in a hug with her outstretched wing before climbing from the bed. "Hm, your bed is softer than mine, almost hate to leave it..." the white alicorn declared with a stretch and restrained yawn. "Alas you are right, there is much to be done, no naps today. First I should probably save the poor creature from Twilight's paperwork," a delicate snore answered her, "No, you're right Lulu, first I should place an order, it will take at least some time for the paperwork to get started anyhow, if past experience is any indication." With a satisfied nod to herself, the Princess of the Day sat again at the desk and set to writing.
Cadence awoke to find herself in the topmost chamber of the Crystal Palace, facing the Heart, and a faraway town to the south almost in the direction of Canterlot. "Shining? I'll need your help with a spell," she said with a sly smile at her Prince.
"You need my help with a spell?" Shining Armor asked, quite baffled by the request.
Cadence tittered, and with a sultry look said, "Let me rephrase; Get over here and kiss me."
"You know you don't need to make that request twice," the stallion replied with a smile as he approached to stand in front of his mare.
The ponies of the Crystal Empire had just settled in for their daily routines when from the palace came a light show the likes of which they hadn't seen since the Crystal Fair two years prior.
As the afternoon hour rolled around Celestia returned to Luna's bedroom. "Sister, did you rest well enough? It is time for us to depart to take delivery on what I ordered earlier," she said to her resting sibling with a smile that showed only the slightest mischief.
"Already? I am afraid I shall require another ten minutes, or as many cups of strong coffee," Luna complained groggily, but was answered by a wafted aroma from two pitchers of fine coffee resting on the bedside table. Luna quickly sat up, took both pitchers in her magical grip and downed the first in seconds, setting to drink more leisurely from the second.
Celestia looked scoldingly at her sister. "That one was supposed to be mine, to drink on the way..."
"Then I guess you shouldn't have set it upon my nightstand," the younger sibling retorted as her head cleared from her heavy sleep. "Wait, 'what you ordered earlier'? Tia, just what are you up to?"
"Why, Lulu, we're going to the party of course. But first we need to pick up our disguises," Celestia said with a devilish grin now showing proudly.
Looking quite confused, Luna couldn't help but ask, "Tia, hasn't it been obvious for some time that no disguise will suitably hide the... 'Royal Stature'? Not to mention our particular assets that make us even more unique among the populace."
Stepping to the large window, Celestia opened it before replying, "Worry not sister. I have it all under control, including our return trip, and a few extra things that should be quite appropriate to have on hoof." With that she gestured for her blue counterpart to follow before leaping out the window and into the wind.
Deep in the Everfree Forest, Zecora set about filling quite a lucrative order that she'd been quite baffled to receive earlier that day. No sooner had she finished the concoctions than a series of knocks came on her door. Opening the door and smiling, she greeted her guests, "Come on in, my royal friends, my work on your order is at its end."
Beaming a grateful smile at the zebra, Celestia spoke to thank her, "Good work Zecora, I take it you had no trouble with my special requests?"
"While to most they'd be quite strange, for me your order was well in range," the zebra replied with a smirk.
Celestia clapped her hooves triumphantly. "Oh, goody! Here is your promised payment, for the potions and for confidentiality," she said, floating over a generously sized bag full of bits.
Zecora took the bag and placed it in a nearby box, then grabbed two pair of very plain saddlebags and placed them on the table. Opening the bags she began explaining their contents, "I have numbered the bottles as you can see, so they may be kept quite orderly." She then indicated the left pouch of each as she continued, "One through six are your party tricks." Then indicating the right side pouches, "For seven through twelve I had to delve." She then held up a differently shaped bottle, "The last is quite a special trick, but why so much focus on somepony's dick?"
"TIA!!! Just what in TARTARUS do you have in mind?!?" Luna shouted, scandalized at what her sister had obviously requested.
Celestia was glad that her sister had thought not to use The Voice in the apothecary shop, but spoke to defend herself, "Well, surely somepony will be thankful for it. You know who, and what, those last seven are for, so really you shouldn't be so surprised Lulu." Celestia managed to flex in time to absorb Luna's quick jab, but rocked herself to make a show of the impact.
"Really Tia! That's just! It's, ugh!" Luna shouted at her sister in frustration.
"It's calculated foresight?" Celestia offered.
"Now why, sister?" Luna asked with a hoof to her face, unable to articulate the question properly.
"Didn't I already explain that? Hmm, I would almost wager you may end up thanking me," Celestia declared with a cocked eyebrow at her suddenly fuming sibling. "What do you think Zecora?"
"To gamble with royalty, I would be out of my wits," the zebra replied, eyeing the two princesses in turn. "But, put me down for twenty bits," she continued with a sly smile.
Ignoring its normal coloration, Luna's face went completely red, her expression stuck between embarrassed and livid. "Well, Fifty bits say you're both wrong!" she shouted defensively with a huff.
Celestia grinned wide and answered by placing a small pouch of coins on the table before suggestively saying, "I'll get the betting pool started."
"Let me end this situation, before it ends with no more fun," Zecora interjected, bringing a tea set to the table. "Before feelings can get quite sore, what can you tell me of the strange minotaur?" she asked, getting two very curious looks from her guests. "He appeared in Ponyville today, and spoke to Twilight and Rarity in a seductive way," she stated, intending to clarify what was meant. Answered by a pair a slack-jawed faces she asked, "Was it something I said?"
Author's Note
So, what do you guys think of that? huh? Again I will warn that I will be a smartass in the comments, all in good fun though.
And yet again many thanks go to my proofreader Sneaky be sure to go check out his stories, especially Close Bonds which I have proofread for him, it's really good stuff for you Dashy fans
Winging it With a Ukulele
After about a month, I had begun to adjust to living among ponies. It was then that I was sent to live in Ponyville, as Celestia had seen that the posh life of Canterlot was not really my cup of tea, so to speak. I didn't really have many problems with Canterlot, but the princesses could tell that for the long term, it just wouldn't work for me.
Pinkie threw me a 'Welcome Back' party, of course, this time at the train station, and with even more ponies, including a fair number of foals. After the party Twilight showed me where the real-estate office was in the town hall, and the next few days were spent with the agent looking at houses.
Eventually I got moved in to a rather nice house that wasn't far from the town's center. The biggest problem was getting furniture custom made for a whole house, but even that problem didn't last very long.
Winter came, and with it a shitload of snow. Texas, my old home, is known all around Earth for a great many things, most notably an anti-littering ad. Texas is not known for snowy winters, and I liked that quite a lot. But with some scarves and a heavy coat made by Rarity, (I had to talk her into telling me a price, and then to take the money.) I got by well enough. I pointedly kept the fireplace blazing like an inferno and spent most of the winter reading through just about every book available at the small shops in town and quite a few borrowed from Twilight's library; history and music theory for the most part, a smattering of technical manuals thrown in for fun.
"So, Hoyt, you gonna help out with Winter Wrap Up?" Pinkie asked, interrupting my coffee and muffin breakfast.
"With huh do what now?" I said, not at all sure what was meant by the question.
"Winter Wrap Up, silly! It's when we all work together to clean up winter and welcome spring!" The pink party pony suddenly had my undivided attention.
"End winter? Where do I sign up?" I said, more than ready for warmer weather.
Pinkie giggled and said, "At Mayor Mare's office, duh." She stuck her tongue out and giggled again before adding, "Geez, I didn't know it was possible for someone to not-like winter so much, but there's only two days left... GASP Oh my! That means- Tomorrow Hoyt!"
Per the usual mode of operation with Pinkie, I wasn't getting where she was going. I didn't get to ask either, as she ran out the door like pink lightening. "So, Carrot, any idea what that was about?" I asked the still present baker as he polished the countertop.
"Nope, I gave up trying to keep track of her antics a while back. If it isn't a twitch, I pay it no mind," he said, chuckling as he continued the post-rush morning cleanup routine.
"Ha, I can understand that," I said, agreeing with his logic. Having a goal for the day, I hurried through the rest of my muffin and washed it down with the remaining coffee. "No tobacco, but oh, thank Luna for showing me that y'all have coffee. Thanks again for the breakfast, Carrot, and tell the youngin's that 'Monkey' said 'hi' for me, alright?" I said as I set the plate and cup I'd used at the end of the counter and tucked my newspaper under an arm.
"Yeah, sure thing, so you're not gonna stick around today?"
"Nah, I need to actually get out and active sometime, and Pinkie talking about the end of winter has me a little excited," I replied. "Catch y'all later," I said a little louder, to be heard in the kitchen.
"Oh? Alright deary, we'll be here when lunchtime rolls around," Cup cake said, poking her head out over the swinging door with a smile.
"Then I'll be back in a few hours, don't have too much fun," I said, waving over my shoulder as I stepped out the door, headed for Town Hall.
"Hmm, well the thing is, I really don't have any idea what job to assign you to, Hoyt. Mostly everypony just does what they did the year before, but that option isn't really available for you... Maybe Twilight can help you? She is in charge of keeping everypony organized for Winter Wrap Up," Mayor Mare said, offering a sympathetic smile.
"Alright then, guess I'm off to the library. Thanks Mayor," I said, moving to the door.
"Any time, Hoyt," she called back, returning to her paperwork.
As I approached the Golden Oak Library, I couldn't help but smile and chuckle at myself a little for not noticing the first time I saw it that it was built into a tree. 'How could I have missed a detail like that?'
When I knocked on the door it didn't take long for Spike to answer. "Dude, you do realize that you are the only one in town who knocks during business hours, right?" he said as I stepped inside. "Do you do that everywhere you go?"
"Um, no, not really... Guess it's just habit. This place feels more like a home than a business I guess," I offered in response. "Twilight home? The Mayor said I should talk to her about which job I should do for this Winter Wrap Up thing."
He didn't respond to me, but pumped his fist and ran up the stairs to shout into Twilight's room. "Hey, Twilight! I win! I'll be out with the crusaders," he said as he was already headed for the door.
Halfway across the lobby he was caught and suspended motionless by a magenta field of magic which quickly hooked his tail into the large table with an equine bust display. Spike quickly realized the futility of attempting escape, and sat disgruntled on the floor. "Man, I hope she's not in a really bad mood or anything," I said, stifling my snickers from escaping, but not being successful with my smile. He snorted in response and stuck his tongue out at me, going to the effort to reach out creepily with it. That serpentine tongue made me shudder every time, but I had a snappy response for him this time since no one else was in earshot. "So how does Sweetie Belle like that trick?"
Almost instantly the slithery appendage was put away into its normal storage place, and Spike's face slowly turned red as the cogs began to turn in his head. His eyes grew to the size of pie plates as he quietly asked, "They, they really do that?"
I was about to respond when Twilight called down the stairs, "Spike, who is it?"
"Just me," I said, calling up to answer for the still stunned dragon.
"Hoyt?"
"Yeah, don't worry, take your time," I said noting a touch of surprise in her voice.
"Um, Spike? You go ahead, I'll be down in a bit," she replied, her magic freeing the dragon's stuck tail before another spell sounded off from her room.
Spike hardly noticed his renewed freedom, instead looking at me almost incredulously. "Seriously?" he asked, his voice still hushed.
"Yeah, back home it's almost required, you wanna start the car you gotta turn the key dude," I said, also staying slightly hushed. "I mean, um, 'open the gate', don't worry about the car."
"Huh, Okay, I'll keep that in mind," he said, as he walked at a thoughtful pace out the door.
I chuckled a bit at his reaction before realization struck me like a ton of hammers. "Aw crap. If they do that and get caught, I'm in trouble too... Wait, I thought they already got 'the talk' about that stuff? Oh well, he's already past the train station now."
Reclining on one of the reading couches, I read some more of the news while I waited on Twilight. After about ten minutes or so I heard another slight pop of magic before another minute's wait and Twilight came down the stairs. "So, what brings my favorite human here today?" she said, smiling as she came down the stairs. "Wait, don't you have a book overdue?"
My eyes widened as I thought through my book list. "Oh, I uh, yeah, mind if I run that by after lunch?" I asked, smiling sheepishly in return.
"Hmm, I don't know, those tech manuals are in such high demand and all..." she said while rolling her eyes before she burst into laughter. "Haha, ha, it's only a day late I think, let's see... yep, due yesterday, don't worry about it though, you and me are the only ones even remotely interested in that stuff around here."
We both shared a laugh at this, the infancy of the Trans-Equestrian Communications Network hardly registering one 'damn' on Ponyville's 'give-ometer'. Soon we both calmed to companionable silence, and I remembered the reason for my visit. "So, Pinkie told me about this, Winter Wrap Up thing earlier..." I said, trying to sound nonchalant.
"Oh, that? You want to help?" she asked with a smile that touched her eyes. My answer was to point at the window over my shoulder and nod. "Hehe, oh, right, snow... Well, I will have to talk with the girls, see what jobs may suit you, but I'm sure we've got something that'll do," she said, smile still wide on her face.
"Alright then, thanks Twi. Now to figure out what to do in the meantime," I said, turning to my thoughts.
"Hmm, getting bored?" she asked, leaning close to look out the window. "Huh, nopony seems to be doing much today," she said, observing how little traffic there was.
As she got close, I got a whiff of her scent, a light floral smell that set my heart to racing, and made me feel warm all over. "New Perfume?" I asked, not having noticed her smell before.
"Oh, yeah, Cadance sent it to me." she said. "Do you like it?"
"Yeah, might have to order myself some stink-pretty from up there," I said, getting an eye-roll for what I like to call cologne. "It's from the Empire?"
"Of course. She said it was made from their crystal flowers," Twilight said, smiling brightly.
I looked out the window a moment, and turned back to Twilight. "Hmm, may just have to visit the Empire myself, once summer rolls around that is."
"Want me to send a letter to Cadance for you? She would probably insist on putting you up in the Palace."
"Nah, it'll be a few months yet before I do any more traveling, I think. Thanks for the offer though," I said, standing from the couch. "It's getting about time for lunch, care to join me at Sugarcube Corner? Just gonna swing by the post office and grab your book from the house first, then I'll be there."
"Ooh, I haven't had their new croissants yet. Apparently Berry Punch finally managed to cross her grapes with crystal berries. I heard the result is a whole new kind of amazing! So, half an hour?" Twilight said, suddenly excited.
"Oh right, Carrot said the first greenhouse batch was supposed to arrive today. I'm curious how the wine will turn out, but that won't be till summertime rolls around... Anyhow, see you there," I said, leaving the library. The cold bothering me less than normal.
"Here's yer package," the clerk said, pushing a medium sized box across the counter, Sticky Stamp was her name.
"Huh, was expecting a smaller box than this, where's it from?" I said, looking for the 'from' address. "Well now, I didn't order anything that would be coming from the Crystal Empire... I don't think so anyhow."
"Well, fancy running into you here darling."
"Well, if it isn't Lady Rarity herself, good thing we're inside or all I would see is your mane and tale. How are you today?" I said, greeting the seamstress.
"Oh, Hoyt, you are too much," she said, blushing just slightly. "And to answer your question I am doing quite well. Now might I ask how your day has been?"
"Pretty good I guess, aside from the cold," I replied with a shrug. "Was about to drop by the house and then try out the Cake's new croissants for lunch. Twilight's going to be there, you wanna come along?"
"You mean the new test batch?" she asked, clearly excited.
"Yeah, with the new berries."
Squee!"Those are divine on their own! Ooh, I can't wait to taste what the Cakes have done with them!" She exclaimed. Turning to the clerk she asked, "Stamp, any post for me today?"
"Just these," Stamp said, pushing a few envelopes across the counter.
Rarity picked up the envelopes and my box with her magic, calling at me from the door, "Well do come along darling, it's rude to tempt a lady with talk of croissants and then keep her waiting."
Laughing a little at the mare's antics, I followed and we went to my house.
"Well now, I like what you've done with the place, even if it is a bit spartan... It feels much bigger than it did at your moving in party, I guess un-crating the furniture would explain that though," Rarity commented, trotting about the parlor.
"Yeah, been meaning to get some rugs and such, but I just hate going out in this cold. And I guess some chairs for the sitting room would be appropriate, along with some other things. But it's served me well enough. Heh, still seems kind of odd to me to be living in such a big house though, never could have afforded a two story back home," I said, thinking back to my old house in Texas. Finding the late book from the library on the dinner table, I put it in the large inside pocket of my grey duster coat and put on a Plaid flatcap. "Alright, I'm ready, how 'bout you Rarity?"
"Hmm? Well aren't you going to open your package first? It may be something important," she said, stepping into the dining room.
"I haven't ordered anything that should ship from the Empire, so it can wait I reckon. Not like lunch is going to take that long," I said with a shrug.
"Come now, opening it just to be sure it doesn't need proper storage won't take but a few seconds," she insisted, floating the box to my chest.
Taking the box I set it back on the table and pulled loose the knots keeping it bound in twine. "Fine, if a lady really must insist," I said, rolling my eyes while lifting the box's flaps. Inside was a smaller package at each end, with some straw protecting a bottle in the middle, and a note;
Hoyt,
I hope this package finds you well. Contained within are a few items you may find useful. I am unsure of what you prefer for reading, but I have included a couple of books, and Shining threw in some magazines that he thinks you may find enjoyable. Also you will find two bottles, which the labelling of should explain well enough.
I also write to thank you for sharing your world's technologies. The pen I am using you will probably notice is one of the type you brought along, and the telephone has been most enjoyable. I'm sure that our current advancements may seem a bit 'old hat' to you, but it really is quite novel to have a conversation with 'Tia or Luna without having to travel for hours on end. Feel free to come visit us in the Palace sometime, we would be glad to have you.
Your friend,
Princess Cadance
"Ooh, a gift from Cadance! What is it darling?" Rarity said, dancing about cutely.
Picking up the top bottle, I read the label, "Let's see, 'Crystal fragrance, for stallions', huh, well that saves me ordering some, what's the other then?" I dug through the straw and found another bottle, large and brown, with a smaller note attached;
Here's that round I owe you, S.A.
"Huh, what did Shining send, let's see 'Crystal Empire's Finest Bier, Hoof-Crafted Porter', sweet shit! Shining you beautiful bastard!" I said ecstatically. "Let me put you in the fridge," I said to the bottle as I walked through the kitchen to what in Equestria passed for a refrigerator, but was actually an enchanted pantry.
"Um, Hoyt? Are you alright?" Rarity asked from the doorway, a little concern in her voice.
"Oh, I am more than alright, Rarity, I am FANTASTIC! I haven't had a cold beer since, well, since before I got here," I said.
"Are you sure? I did just see you talking to a bottle, and you're not Pinkie Pie so... Just a little cause for concern," she replied with a sidelong look.
"Yeah, fair enough. I'm just excited is all, between Winter Wrap Up and now beer, it's all just so awesome. Add to that new food and I'm not sure how this day could get any better," I said. "Maybe spring could come early, but Twilight and her schedules would never allow that," I added.
Rarity suppressed a titter behind a hoof. "Oh, certainly not, I'm sure darling," she said, giggling a little more at the purple princess' compulsion for punctuality. "Absolutely not," she added with a good impersonation of Twilight's voice.
"Ha, good one! Been practicing with Bon Bon?" I asked.
"Tehee, heavens no, and you should know that, what with how often you're at their house practicing with Lyra," she refuted.
"Yeah yeah, I know. She can really make that harp sing beautifully..." I said with a shrug.
"Ooh, I simply cannot wait to hear you play again. Do you have anything special in the works?"
"Well, there is one song I'm really fond of, but it's kind of a secret. And then Lyra's been having fun with the blues scales I managed to translate, but her lyrics are more than a little... raunchy," I said, blushing from recalling some of the things the green unicorn would write.
"Oh my, is it that bad?"
"Probably worse... Is that a new perfume I smell?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.
"Well... yes, yes it is darling, this time I chose one from Zecora's fine selection. Do you like it?" she asked, blushing a bit.
"Floral, but a touch wild, yeah, it's very nice," I said with a smile.
"Oh, the time," she said, glancing at the clock.
"Ah, but of course, milady, my treat," I said, patting the pocket that held my bits.
"Always the gentlecolt. Maybe you could try that cologne that Cadance sent?"
"But my coat already has the flowery smell from your shop."
"That's all well and good darling, but I don't take you to be one who desires that kind of attention," she replied with a roll of her eyes.
"Oh, I guess it would be worth trying out then. Don't want to be getting all the stallions excited over my smell, now do I?" I said, offering a wink. "Now, let's see..." I said, starting to read from the fine print on the back label of the cologne bottle.
Rarity floated the bottle from my hands and said, "Here, open your coat."
As I opened the flaps of my duster, she misted my chest with a single spray from right jacket pocket to left. "Well, that works miles better than trying to do it myself."
Rarity smiled smartly and said, "Why of course darling. Now how about some croissants?"
"Oh, I think you may be on to something there, croissants would be pretty good about now, wouldn't they?"
"Well button up your coat so we can go get some," Rarity said, nodding towards the door.
"Hey Cup? So you know, forget Dash, You are the most awesome pony in town," I said after tasting one of the two dozen rolls that I'd ordered for our table. "These are friggin' amazing, aren't they?" I asked the pony dethrowned by my previous comment, whose mouth was full of the same scrumptious confection.
"Don ker, thes er gud," Rainbow said around a mouthful of baked awesome.
"Hey Carrot, set five aside for Twilight, alright? My bill OK?" I called out to the proprietor over the din of ponies clamoring to try the new hot item in town.
"One step ahead of ya Hoyt, we got it covered," Mr. Carrot Cake replied between orders.
"If she don't sell us some seeds come spring, I'ma be right cross with Berry. This is too good to restrain to one little garden and greenhouse," Applejack said between mouthfuls.
"Don't worry Hotlips, I already have a contract set up with Berry for the seeds, and distribution is included," I said to the rapidly blushing apple farmer. "How about that crystal apple project, how's that coming along?"
"Won't know about that for another five days Hoyt, can't start 'em growin' til we get the spring weather in," Applejack said. Then she added, "And I thought I told you not to call me that."
"You did, but I didn't listen," I replied with a smirk.
"Now about this 'most awesome pony in town' business..." Rainbow said, dangerous glare intact, though her plate of delectables was very much not .
"Sorry RD, but that's how the awesomeness charts go; food first," I said, with a shrug.
"Oh, that's not fair at all," said the distraught pegasus.
"Um, actually, it kind of is, y'know, since it's a matter of opinion," Fluttershy said, only just loud enough to be heard over the noise. "Not like there is an official chart or anything," she added with a shrug.
Rainbow was about to reply, probably in a very loud fashion, but Twilight chose that moment to come up to the table. "You started without me?" the princess asked, feigning offense. "So tell me, are they good?" she asked right before Ms. Cake came and set a plate with five of the pastries and a cup of tea in front of her. "Ooh, for me?"
"Mmhmm, and they are indeed amazing. Try one," I said.
"Sure smells good," Twilight said, floating a croissant to her muzzle. When she took a bite, a smile spread across her face and her eyes fell closed while she slowly chewed.
"Ah, I see Twilight is already under the spell of these marvellous confections," Rarity said, returning from the 'powder room'.
"Oh Celestia! These are unbelievable!" Twilight said, finally returning from her flavor induced bliss.
"I know, right!" I exclaimed in agreement.
"Best vittles this side o' Appaloosa, that's fer sure," Applejack added, taking another bite of her own.
For a while there was more idle chatter as we all had a fantastic lunch. Nopony was sure of what to call the new berries besides simply 'awesome' or some other similar adjective.
"So Cadance sent you some books along with that cologne?" Twilight asked as she passed through the entryway of my house. "I wonder what books she would be sending," she said, suspicion in her tone.
"Now give her some credit, she did apologize for last time," I said, understanding her reasons. "So, mild caution is still prudent."
Opening the heavier of the smaller boxes revealed a pair of books as expected. "What do we have here? 'Imperial Clocksmith's Quarterly'? Well I can cancel that order, and here we have... 'A Stallion's Guide to Dating', well at least it's not unexpected," I said, rolling my eyes.
"And of course she would send you that... Hoyt," she started to say.
"No, actually she has a point... Being single does suck," I said, thinking of the reasons I had so seldom seriously pursued relationships back home. "Here though, I have a home of my own, and I'm not hurting for money thanks to those tech deals. Not to mention I have plenty of time for it... Maybe I will give that book a read," I thought aloud, putting the book back onto the table next to the accompanying quarterly.
Legs wrapped around my chest accompanied by wings. "Hoyt, I'm glad to see you are adjusting, but don't feel rushed, Okay?" she said, big purple eyes boring into my own.
"Thanks Twi, and I'm glad to know someone as amazing as you," I said, putting my arms around her chest to return the hug.
She nuzzled my cheek and said, "I'm glad to know you too." Then her face was in front of mine again, eyes closed and lips slightly puckered.
Instinct or pheromones or something else dictated my response as I moved my head forward, and we kissed, nothing special, but contact of the lips. Just that though and all the world melted away, never to have existed at all as our lips touched and an electric thrill ran wild throughout my being. After what felt like a few eternities passed we separated. Twilight's eyes opened and a smile stretched across her face for a moment. Then her eyes went wide, her face deep red, and her hooves to her face as she squeaked a little 'eheh' before Zhwip-POW and I was left with nothing but an after image, and a racing heart.
Author's Note
Alright, here we go, getting to the meat and taters with the second arch... finally lol.
Again huge thanks to Sneaky , be sure to check out his stuff.
Winging it With a Ukulele
There I stood, no idea if what had just happened was a crazy dream, or all the gods of fortune smiling on me at once. My lips tingled, my stomach flipped overtop itself, and my heart had lodged itself in my throat. The world had stopped for all I knew. If only it had stopped a few seconds earlier, with Twilight in my arms...
Click My front door opened. "Twilight?" I called, hoping to find her at the door as I ran to the entryway. Luna stood at the door, looking slightly confused and wearing a light blue flower in her mane next to her usual dark blue crown. "Hey Luna, any idea where Twi' might FFFT off to?" I asked, trying to gesticulate teleportation.
"Um..."
I turned around to grab my coat out of habit, and realized I was still wearing it. Patting myself down I found the overdue book was still in my jacket pocket. "Ah, to the library then. If she isn't there then surely Spike will know where to find her."
I was being given an unusually wide berth as I hastily made my way towards Golden Oaks Library at a fast pace with Luna following shortly behind. "Um, Hoyt. I actually came today to speak with you , not Twilight," she said, keeping in stride to stay alongside me.
"Ah, about the telephone business?" I asked idly, turning my head only enough so as to see her and be heard while not tripping over anypony.
"Um, no. I actually came to court," she said.
"Oh, good thing we're going to Twilight then," I said, still keeping my brisk pace as my boots crunched through the snow.
"Hoyt, that's not what I meant. I meant I came to court you ."
"Worried about foals staying up late on the phone lines? I thought they were still sorting out the switchboards?"
"Ugh, what is the modern term for courtship?"
I stopped at the door of the library that I hoped held Twilight and knocked three times. "It's called 'dating' these days," I said.
"Right, well I've come-"
The door of the library opened and Spike blurted, "Just come in man, we're still open," interrupting the princess.
"Is Twilight here?" I asked rather urgently.
"I think she popped into her room a while ago, everything alright?" the dragon asked.
"I, uh, yeah, here's a book to check in," I replied, tossing the manuscript to him and stepping to the stairs. "Hey Rarity," I said to the white mare as I passed her on the first floor and continued up the stairs.
Knocking on the door to Twilight's room I called, "Hey, Twi, it's me. Wanna talk?"
Silence was my only answer.
Knocking again I said, "Twilight, it's Hoyt, can we please talk?"
Finally an answer came, "I'm sorry!" Her voice sounded strained.
"What the hell for?" I asked. "I'm the one that moved!"
Silence.
"Please Twilight, let me make this right to you! Anything you want, it's yours! Ya just gotta ask me, please," I said to the shut door.
zhhvip I heard Luna's magic charging, and turned just in time to see her and Rarity pop as they disappeared from the lobby. Pop came the sound again from behind Twilight's bedroom door as they must have reappeared inside. I tried the doorknob but even as I did more of Luna's magic sounded off and nothing would budge in the direction of letting me enter, or even hear what transpired within.
For a while I stood at the door, hat pressed to my chest and waiting for an answer. "Hey man, got some coffee down here, may as well wait comfortably," Spike said from down the stairs. I waited a moment more before descending to the first floor and joining the young dragon at Twilight's dinner table. The dragon always could brew a mean batch of coffee, suitable to sooth all but the worst of worries, which I had the misfortunate presence of.
I was staring at my half empty mug when Spike finally asked, "So what's all the fuss about? This isn't like you or anypony upstairs... I don't get it."
"Well I may have..." My words failed me. "Twilight..." I sighed in frustration. "Cadance sent me some cologne, which I tried on before going to the Cakes' and then after lunch Twilight came to my place to see the books Cady sent and... we... kissed. But it was only a peck! Then Twilight FFFT! off like a shot!"
"You've got to be friggin' kidding me," he said with a palm to his head.
"And then, after I don't know how long, Luna showed up and followed me here while asking about..." Realization hit me like a ton of lead.
"Wait, so... Luna too?" he asked.
"Oh no, no no no. I don't want to turn her down but I kinda have to now, what with kissing Twilight and all... Fuck me," I said, dropping my head onto the table. "Ow."
"No thanks," Spike said. "And what do you mean 'turn her down'? Are you nuts?! If Princess Luna asks you out, you go! Why wouldn't- Ya know what? I'm gonna get some popcorn."
Crunch, crunch. Spike had been eating popcorn for five minutes or so while I contemplated what the sentence may be for assaulting the royal lips of Equestria's youngest princess. 'Might be that kinetic delivery moon mission,' I thought as the clock ticked the time away. I sat up and grabbed a handful of Spike's popcorn. I almost ate a piece before I saw the green shimmering dust on it and dumped it all back in the bowl. "I hate waiting like this," I said while the dragon laughed at the success of his anti-theft snack. My thoughts turned now to Luna, 'What, for want of a kiss, might have become?' And Rarity, 'Oh, she's probably livid with my ass right now.'
"Wow, when you get mopey, you go pro," Spike commented. "Lighten up, it's not as bad as you're thinking it is."
I gave him the most deadpan look I could muster and said, "Not bad? I kissed a princess, not just any princess but Twilight who is also among the best friends I've ever had, and I did so without invitation. Add to that that I then shirked Princess Luna, and my situation can only possibly equate to a grade-a clusterfuck."
Spike sighed and grabbed a pen and paper from a nearby desk and sat down to write. After a moment he rolled the paper up and sent it away in a puff of smoke. "I'm not going to get through to you, but maybe they can, alright?" he said upon seeing my abundant confusion.
Luna's magic sounded lightly from up the stairs, and the door could be heard to open. As hoofsteps were heard descending the stairs, I stood and slowly paced to the main room where I saw three blushing ponies. "Are you sure we can't get a marieur?" Rarity asked Luna and Twilight.
"I tried to find one before leaving Canterlot, but none would dare," Luna said.
"Oh, right, because of... yeah, nopony in their right mind would encroach that turf," Rarity concluded.
"Girls, he's standing right there," said a furiously blushing Twilight.
"So what exactly is a 'marieur'?" I asked, completely in the dark regarding their meaning.
"Hey Spike?" Twilight called past me to the dining room.
"Not for a thousand pounds of diamonds," he replied flatly.
"Damn," all three mares said together.
"Tell ya what, Hoyt, you just go home, read that book, and we'll um, talk tomorrow!" Twilight said almost mechanically with a forced smile plastered on her face while she levitated me to the front doorstep and closed the door behind me.
Needless to say, I had no idea whatsoever of what had just happened. I looked around, there weren't many ponies walking about, and those that were mostly didn't give me a second glance, they were all used to me by now. I looked back at the door, as if it would yield an answer. Turning back towards the town I started walking back towards my house, moving on auto-pilot as I tried to sort out what had happened in the library. As I walked a familiar butter yellow pegasus came up alongside me, not saying anything but following along as her hooves touched the snow so lightly they could barely be heard. We walked along in companionable silence until we arrived at my house and she let herself in through the door I'd left open.
"Can I ask what's wrong?" We were sitting at the dinner table, and had been for a while as I stared at the book in front of me, unsure of what to feel. When we came in I had went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass and poured some wine into it, taking a minute to look at Twilight's cutie mark on the label before putting it back in the rack with the cork replaced. Then I pulled it back out and poured a half glass for Fluttershy, replaced it again to its spot and sat at the table, giving the one glass to my guest as I did so. After some minutes passed in silence she asked her question.
I took another small sip and sighed, what exactly was wrong? "I'm actually not quite sure myself, to be honest."
"Well it must be something, it's just not like you to be taking so long walking around in the snow," she said, her voice soothing. "Does it maybe involve that cologne you're wearing? Or that book perhaps? You've been staring at it for a really long time now..."
"Yeah, I think both are factors, but somehow I'm not actually sure anything is wrong. I just don't rightly know how to respond I guess," I said, partly to her and partly thinking to myself.
"So... What happened? Maybe I can help."
And so I told her everything that had happened, from Twilight noticing the cologne and wanting to see the accompanying books, to the kiss, the walk to the library and what Luna had said, the talk at the library to the wait, second talk and my eviction by Twilight. "And when they came down, she seemed embarrassed, blushing a bit, but there was no hurt to her features. I am- I am at a loss, I have no idea what is going on, and no clue what marieur means."
Fluttershy was blushing a bit, but silent in thought before she said, "So, you say you're ready to start considering... dating? And relationships? And you're absolutely sure about this?" I didn't have to think about the answer, I simply nodded yes. "Can I see that book for a second?" I slid the text across to her. She opened it and turned a couple of pages, stopping at the table of contents when her blush overtook her face and her eyes went wide as she exclaimed, "Oh my! Um, you may want to leave this book unread, at least until your second date or so..." She closed the book and pushed it back. "The title is a bit um, misleading. That should be an 'M' there where the 'D' is."
"Ugh, I'm sorry about that 'Shy, I really should have anticipated it," I said, running a hand down my face, feeling embarrassed myself for not having foreseen Cadance sending me another book to the same vein as that 'Ka-Mare-Sutra' she had given me before. I grabbed the book and set it to the side to be placed in the same unused upstairs dresser that held the other book and several magazines with lewd illustrations on covers I hadn't bothered to open. "Well at least the quarterly is safe to go throu-" I stopped as I opened the other book's cover to find a picture that would very nearly, if not fully, qualify as pornography; the picture was taken from above and in the foreground was a light purple Pegasus with blue hair, laying on her back with her wings and hind legs spread wide, her left forehoof between her thighs as her other hoof pulled a toffee unicorn mare with fiery red hair deep into a kiss as she lay underneath the pegasus, the unicorn's right forehoof was on the top mare's lower belly, as the other would seem to have been stroking at an outstretched wing. Acting without orders my left index finger dragged the photo out of the book for closer inspection.
Pomf! The sound barely registered until I had noted exactly where each hoof was with interest. Looking up I saw Fluttershy half standing on the table, almost drooling at the picture with her wings almost completely vertical. "Um, mind if I use your bathroom?"
"Second door on the right," I said, nodding towards the hallway, almost shocked by her question. A yellow and pink blur zipped down the hall, and slammed the door to the downstairs bathroom, followed shortly by the sound of a running faucet. It took me a moment to realize what had just happened, but it was somehow comforting to know that something this afternoon could happen and not leave me clueless to the details. "Maybe Shining has a little more dignity."
Opening the second box, I found my answer; No. Ten magazines, all pornographic and ranging from the more tasteful 'PlayColt' (along with its sister mag 'PlayMare', which featured stallions) through the less tasteful 'Filly Fooler' (also accompanied by its counterpart, 'Colt Cuddler') to the anything goes 'Buck Wild' which wore a simple black cover with the name in pink and a yellow note at the bottom advertising "Now With Stick-Resistant Pages!" Even still I took each in turn and flexed it from the binding to check for tell-tale signs. Thankfully they were all clean, technically speaking, any violators would be immediately thrown in the fireplace. "What the god-double-damnit Shining. I will get you for 'PlayMare' and 'Colt Cuddler' you nasty bitch. I wonder if these have a catalogue in the back like those from home?"
I actually almost started to open 'Horse-in Around' but hesitated. 'What's the problem? I've seen shitloads of porn before, and now there is a whole new WORLD of pony porn to explore. But why can't I bring myself to open it? I could see if they have one of those rubber cock extensions, order it in Shining's name and have it sent to the palace in revenge for the gay mags. Or better yet order it in Cadance's name, that'd be fantastic!' "Um, Hoyt? You're making that face again..." Fluttershy said, interrupting my plotting of Shining's humiliation.
"So this makes twice now you've caught me plotting evil over a pile of porn, doesn't it?" I asked, and she nodded knowingly. "Cadance's letter says Shining threw these in... not sure if I believe her, seeing the selection included. Yet again, no real surprise in all actuality. Except that apparently ponies can be as sexually deviant as humans."
"Well, maybe they're just wanting you to see what's out there. Maybe you'll see something you didn't know you liked," she offered with a shrug.
"Shy, there has never, in all my life been a question as to which gender I prefer."
"Um, maybe it's so you can get an idea of what a mare that likes stallions would be looking for?"
"That, or maybe it's to embarrass and tease me for not shacking up with anypony yet," I said, smirking at the pegasus as she tried to make it sound like a nice thing that I had no less than three magazines of stallion exclusive porn on my dinner table. "And 'Colt Cuddler' doesn't look to me like it was printed for mares at all."
"I, I might know somepony who would like those. I mean, if you don't want them..." This had my eye brow trying to meet my hairline. "N- not me, I swear!"
"I already know that 'PlayColt' is more your flavor."
Despite her face blushing as furiously as possible, a tiny bit of a smile tugged at her lips while she gave an almost imperceptible nod.
"Alright, here ya go," I said, pushing over the three gay mags as well as 'Buck Wild'. "I don't even want to know what is in that one."
"Oh, that one is mostly articles, interviews and impossible stories. But the pictures are generally of quality that makes up for how few there are."
"Take it then, I might even open the cover on one of these later," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Oh, Okay, thanks, Hoyt. I'll go talk with the girls, see what's up on that end, Okay?"
"Heh, alright, thanks Shy." A thought came to mind of an unanswered question, "Hey Shy? What in the world does marieur actually mean?"
"Hehe, um, Okaygottagothanksbye!" Woosh! SLAM! Just like that she was gone.
"Okay then, where the hell is that dictionary..."
All three of my personal dictionaries failed to shed light on the word's meaning, as did half an hour spent around town asking everypony I knew who spoke a second language. At least I had found it to be "Prench" upon talking to Bon Appetite, but he refused to reveal its meaning. He even turned down fifty bits. Someone didn't want me to know, and was doing a damn good job of preventing me from finding out, so I accepted defeat and returned home, to a pile of smut, a book apparently describing smut, and a technical quarterly laced with smut. Every fifth or sixth page of the quarterly stood a little apart from the next, indicating there was a photo album not to cleverly hidden within.
I decided to go ahead and read 'A Stallion's Guide to Dating' and started to pour another glass of wine before I remembered a very different bottle and got out a tall glass. "No better time than now to try out the finest 'Hoof Crafted' Porter," I said to myself as I eased the cork out gently to avoid damaging the walls. As the beautiful black liquid filled the glass I couldn't help but marvel at its coffee brown head and flowery-fruity aroma. I made a note to thank Shining, and if he turned out responsible for the magazines, then punch him.
Dating, A Stallion's Guide,
A complete referential guide to courtship practices
Author;
Translations (From various sources);
Illustrations cited throughout and in Appendix
"Huh, so is this really a dating guide for stallions, or rather, 'How One Bestowed With Hands Might Please a Mare'?" I asked the empty room. I closed the book, placed it and the others that had come with it in the box and proceeded up the stairs to my room and my comfy desk chair. I set the box on the desk and almost sat down before I heard a small snore come from my bed. I turned and there across the middle of my bed lay Rainbow Dash with her legs folded under herself, and wings at her sides. 'Now how many times have I told her not to use my bed for her midday naps? Her own isn't but a stone's throw from here! Hmm, which wakeup technique to use; ass slap, wing tickle, wet willy or ride 'em cowboy? No, can't do 'ride 'em' because this time my head might not miss the ceiling beam. Dammit, I need to stop thinking so mean and just dump her in the guest bed. Good thing she doesn't weigh much.'
Carefully I slid my right arm under her front, and reached over to grab her back ankles underneath her with my left. She squirmed a little but after a moment I lifted and carried her across the hall to the less expensive bed in the spare room and placed her square in the middle of it, where she began to snore just a touch louder. Heh, almost cute you little bed thief... Ooh, idea! You're still not getting off THAT easily.' An evil smile fell upon my face as I carefully grabbed the blanket and rolled her up tight like a pony burrito that would be at least a little difficult to escape. "Sleep tight," I whispered as I tiptoed back to my room.
I was just done with the introduction of what I'd decided to call 'How to Please a Mare' when the noise started. "Hmph, hey, what the-" Ruffle, flop, flumf, FLOP! came the sound that signaled the awakening of a certain pesky pony in the other room. "Ow... What gives? Let me out you jerk!"
Stepping back into the room I saw that Rainbow had only managed to make her predicament worse with all the struggling, and fell off the bed. "That's not how you say 'Sorry I snuck into your house'. Nor is it how you say 'Please let me out, I won't do it again'," I said, leaning against the doorframe and crossing my arms. Honestly it took some effort not to laugh at the blue head poking out the end of the tan blanket.
"It's not my fault you have one of the comfyest beds in Ponyville and left your door open," she refuted.
"You would have opened a window otherwise, and let yourself in. Now tell me, why is it you like my bed more than your own, when yours is made of cloud fluff and only a couple hundred yards away?"
"Grrr, are you gonna let me out or not?"
"Are you going to apologize and pinkie promise not to do this again?"
"Ugh, fine! I'm sorry," she said, wiggling about a little more.
"Aaand?"
"Rrrrr! And I promise not to come into your house and nap on your bed! Now shut up and get me out of this!" she yelled.
"Okay, I guess that will have to do... Roll right and you're good," I said, walking back to my reading.
"What?"
"Roll, to, your, right," I said as I sat down.
Thwump thwump thwump. "Ha!" came Rainbow's cheer of triumph.
"In here Dash."
Her steps were slow and dragged on the floor. "What?" she asked, having arrived at the door to my room, looking a little dejected.
"Why my bed? You're free to use the guest bed anytime you please and I've said as much before. So, why do you steal away into mine? And yes I know it was you before, on a few occasions, since nopony else in town can leave your variety of hair colors behind."
She stammered for a second then hung her head. "I, I don't think of you like that , but there is something about the way your bed smells... I sleep easier on it," she admitted, sounding almost ashamed.
"Okay," I said, and walked over to my laundry hamper. After digging around for a moment I found a shirt I had worn two days prior, the look Dash gave me as I approached with the shirt was priceless. "Here, if it's just my smell then put this under your pillow, and you should be sleeping like a baby in your own bed without messing up my sheets. If that doesn't work, then you might try getting the same laundry detergent that I use," I said, laying the shirt across her withers.
"Um, are you really sure about this?" she asked, warily eyeing the blue shirt. "Would seem kinda creepy to me."
"Well, creepy or not, if it works it works, and won't you be needing good rest for Winter Wrap Up?" She nodded slowly in response. "Then It's worth a try to be sure of getting that done, right?" I asked as I sat back down.
"Well, okay, but you know I'm not-"
"Mac, Caramel, Golden, Doctor, Minty, shit, even Snowflake for crying out loud," I said, quickly shooting down her usual claim.
She stared at me slackjawed for a moment before anger and confusion started to have a battle for dominance. "What? I, you, what?" she stammered, unable to respond properly.
"Rainbow, it's okay. I really have no idea why you keep trying to assert that you're gay when you're not. Nor are you straight, as I've also seen you ogle at more than a few mares about town as well, and Lyra was eager to share way more detail than I cared to hear," I explained, having gotten tired of her stubbornness on the matter. "What's wrong with swinging both ways?"
"What's wrong with- Do you seriously not get it?" she asked, incredulous glare fixed on me.
"Liking mares is fine, liking stallions is fine, why would there be a problem with liking both?"
Rainbow stared at me as if in shock, that or as if I'd just said the dumbest thing in history. "All your reading, how much has been on relationships?" she said, not expecting an answer.
Looking at the open book in front of me, I realized it held little if any information about actual relationships. The table of contents indicated that pretty plainly with chapter one being a brief introduction, and all the following chapters being about how a griffon or minotaur could be intimate with one of the pony types. Cadance may have thought her pen name clever, I found it rather ham-fisted, given her own name and writing style making it obvious that this book was purpose written for me. I had read nothing on relationships, but Dash's objection was the first evidence I had seen of a difference between this and my own world, other than seemingly whatever loving you could get was completely socially acceptable here.
"That's what I thought... Thanks for the shirt," she said, her voice downcast. "Heh, boy are you gonna be surprised. See ya day after tomorrow, I guess." I listened as she left, Dash's mood proving somehow contagious. 'What am I missing? Dash isn't one to get herself down like that. And just what is supposed to surprise me?' I sat in silence, still utterly confused and sipping at my beer. A glance out the window revealed it was getting to be late afternoon.
Author's Note
Tada!
Seriously, I can't think of much to say here, but it really hits the fan next time, so stay tuned.
as always, thanks go to Sneaky , go check his stuff out, especially The Flank War, hilarious shit there.
Winging it With a Ukulele
Ch. 13 Surprises and Preparations
For nearly an hour I sat, trying to piece together what had transpired this day, and failed in everything but sipping away the sample of wonderful beer I'd been sent. The beer gone, I got up and deposited the pile of porn into its designated spot, and went downstairs to eat while I sorted the additional contents out of the clocksmith's quarterly and set to read that for the rest of the day.
The next morning I got out of bed, got my shower and morning routine out of the way, got dressed up in my warmest clothes and set a pot of water to boil for my coffee before leaving for better coffee and muffins over at 'The Corner' as I'd come to call the Cakes' bakery. I am not a morning person by any measure, and so the sun shining brightly through the few windows that had the drapes pulled had averted my gaze. Done with the first step of my waking up schedule, I pulled on my boots, put on my grey duster coat and plaid flatcap, along with wool lined driver's gloves, and opened my front door to go to a proper breakfast.
"SURPRISE!" shouted an enormous congregation of ponies occupying my yard, as well as the street for a fair distance in either direction.
"Hey Pinkie," I groggily replied as I walked out to my gate. "Excuse me. Pardon. Comin' through," I said as I navigated the sea of ponies on my way to the bakery.
"HA! I knew it!" Carrot exclaimed just after I walked in and pointed to the blueberry muffin tin.
"So what's the news today?" I asked as I picked up a newspaper from the short pile that was always next to their register in the mornings and tucked it under my arm. "Blueberry?" I said, pointing again at the rack that held the completion of my morning ritual. 'The foals must have done something extra hilarious this morning, he never laughs this much,' I thought to myself as my friend got two of the items in question out and placed on a plate for me while I poured my own cup of coffee from the pitcher at the other end of the counter. "Slow day it seems, huh?" I asked as I sat down at my usual table facing the door.
Carrot laughed hysterically as I began eating my muffins and coffee. "Ha! you have no idea how rich you just made me! Do you?" he asked once he calmed from his gales of laughter.
"Six bits more so than before I came in?" I guessed.
"Ha! I'll leave ya to it then!" he said, walking back into the kitchen to what sounded like an excited conversation with Cup.
"Wait a minute. So you guys did what now?" I asked, not believing Pinkie's description of what had happened overnight.
"We wrapped up winter overnight to celebrate the six month anniversary of your arrival here in Equestria!" the pink pony exclaimed.
"You, you brought spring out early?" I asked, still not believing her.
"Duh, silly! Why else would it be so sunshiny outside right now?" she said in response.
"But why? That's not supposed to be till tomorrow isn't it? I thought you'd just throw the usual party," I said, still not understanding the situation.
A few hours later I had finished with the hoof-shakes and greetings and congratulations of my six month anniversary morning party and found myself quite happy to finally be left alone for a moment.
"Um, hi, Hoyt," said a grey pegasus as she took a seat across from me.
"Hey Ditzy, how ya Doo'in?" I said, smiling at my sometimes breakfast partner. "Cinnamon roll? Did Carrot already sell out of your favorite strawberry muffins today?" I asked, noticing her unusual divergence from the regular breakfast tradition she typically kept.
"Oh no, just thought it'd be nice for a change. Got a small side job today," she answered, smiling a little bashfully at me.
"Ah, going for a little extra cash for you and Dinky? What'll ya be doin'?"
"Oh, not too much. Just um..." she trailed off as her face was overcome with more blush than even Doctor could accomplish to pull from her in public. "Heh, um, Marieur ... Ma- hoo boy," she said, getting my fullest attention. Then, after some more stammering, she took a deep breath and said, "Matchmaker. I have been hired to play the role of matchmaker... for you."
I picked up my coffee cup, slammed back the remainder of its contents, then pushed my plate to the side of the table and placed the cup on top of it. Then I folded the paper neatly and set it to the other side, and rested my elbows on the table. "Come again?"
"Matchmaker, somepony who asks a pony out on a date for somepony else," she explained. "Would you rather we discuss this at your house?"
"Yeah, go ahead and finish your roll, and then we'll go to my place..."
"I'm sorry, there must be something wrong with my ears today. Who did you say?" I asked, not believing what had just come from the blonde mare's mouth.
"Ahem, 'The Ladies Luna, Twilight and Rarity would ask that the Bachelor Hoyt,' that's you, 'accompany them to dinner, a show and perhaps other romantic activities as the mood may see fit.' Well, it'd be a smallish herd, but those are the best ones to be in," Ditzy said, reading the note again and confirming what I heard the previous two times.
I leaned back in my chair as it slowly sank in that I'd been delivered a proposition from not one, but three of the most beautiful mares in Equestria. 'Wait a fucking second here, what was that last part?'
"Y'know, if you wanted, you could have almost half of Ponyville for your herd. But then again, no stallion in his right mind would turn down an offer like this," she said, nodding at the note again. "So, what'll I tell them is your answer?"
"I uh, heh. Okay, tell them... Yeah, I'll just go to the library myself. Need to see about a book or two."
"Wait, so what about Shining and Cadance, the Cakes, Cranky and Matilda, or Berry and Shoeshine?" I asked, trying to wrap my head around what the three mares had just explained; stallions are expected to take multiple mares, and form herds.
"Shining has Cadance, Celestia, Gem Shine and Shimmer Heart in his herd. Carrot has Cup Cake, Pinkie Pie, Cinnamon Swirl and Roseluck in his. Cranky and Matilda are the only two donkeys in Ponyville, and they generally form very small herds anyhow, and Berry and Shoeshine are mares," Twilight explained.
"Why would it be different for mares?"
"You see, Hoyt, for a mare to expect a stallion all to herself is, well it's taboo," Rarity said.
"While for two mares to be monogamous together doesn't interfere with other ponies' chances to... perpetuate the species, as it were," Luna added.
"I thought you would have figured this out on your own, what with there being so many fewer stallions around," Twilight said.
"Honestly I had no idea, it looked like everything was pretty much the same in that regard. Wait, Celestia and Shining? But she's so much taller than him..."
"They make use of several non-standard posit-" Luna said before Twilight interrupted.
"Can you two PLEASE not discuss that right now? I have a hard enough time not thinking about that already!"
"Though it does bring a different thought to mind," Rarity said, hoof to her chin. Twilight shot her a suspicious glare, so she added, "Don't think me so crude darling, I'm not considering their situation... But our own."
Suddenly three very attractive mares were eyeing me closely, very closely with considering looks, and no doubt each was calculating her own methods of copulation. "Um, might I have any say in the considerations for how uh, that may be accomplished?" I asked, feeling the heat in my face reach critical levels and snapping the mares out of staring at me, more specifically at my gentleman's area. As the three all assumed bashful postures and massive blushing, I added, "I think we can cross that bridge when we get to it, don't you?"
"Um, yeah, that can wait for now... So, is that a 'yes'?" Twilight asked, looking up somewhat from staring at her hooves.
"Uh, y- I um... s- sure I- I guess. I mean, 'when in Rome' and all that, right?" My palms were sweating, I had no idea what to do with my hands, and my breathing and heart rates were both elevated.
"Are you sure? You're looking a little nervous, darling," Rarity asked, concern at the edge of her tone.
Glancing down I saw I had been fidgeting my hands. "Heh, yeah, I suppose I am, considering I've just been asked out by the three most beautiful mares in Equestria," I said, scratching the back of my head as they smiled and blushed from the compliment. "But yes, I'm sure. I'd have to be crazy or stupid to turn down an offer like that... And I guess it does make it easier, not having to choose."
"So, tomorrow evening then? To allow you time to prepare?" Luna asked.
"Y- sounds good to me. But, how does this normally work? I haven't actually seen any of the classically romantic things people do um, being done," I said.
"Well, Sugar Cube Corner and the library are hardly romantic points of interest," Twilight replied.
"Nor is the bookstore, darling. Though it can be a good place for gift shopping," Rarity said. After a glance around she added, "Though unless you get some other mares it may prove a bit pointless..."
"Yeah, I reckon that would explain why I haven't witnessed any such activities," I said, resting my chin on my hand. "So what did you gals have in mind?"
"Well..."
The next morning was similar, except that it included turning back into the house once I stepped out and noticed the temperature. Properly dressed for the weather I went as usual for breakfast, this time with no surprises and no winning any bets for anypony. "So, I heard you might have joined the game. Heard you did a pretty good job of it too," Mr. Cake said, joining my table with his own cup of coffee once he new I'd reached a civilized level of awareness.
"Hm? Oh, um yeah, I guess... How come I never picked up on that before though?" He gave me a questioning look, so I continued, "Herds, or polygamy as it would be called back home. I had no idea that was how things were done here. Back home you'd as likely get- well, let's just say the idea of more than one romantic partner is heavily shunned."
Carrot scratched at his head for a moment before he asked, "So what happens with the extra mares?"
"We have roughly even numbers in that regard, so monogamy is the norm, not the exception. I'm just wondering how I never caught on to how it works here though. Like with you in particular, I've never noticed any kind of... Well, according to Twilight you're with Pinkie and two others besides Cup, but I haven't noticed any indications of a relationship between you and Pinks," I said.
Carrot thought with a hoof to his chin for a moment before he answered. "Ya know how she tends to be the affectionate type? Hugging everypony and nuzzling her friends often?" I nodded, having observed as much from the pink mare. "Have you ever noticed that besides you and me she doesn't hug many other stallions, and I'm the only one she nuzzles?"
"Huh, I hadn't really paid attention to that. So what about, uh..."
"Cinny and Rose? They both prefer privacy, more so than even Cup."
"Well then... How often do y'all go out? As a herd I mean? Oh, sorry, I don't mean to pry, I'm just trying to sort things out, if you don't mind my questions," I said, realizing I had asked a rather personal question.
"Heh, it's alright, I understand your situation here. Normally most herds try to average at least one group outing or date each week, with missing a week here or there not being too great a concern. Now for my question though; Who did you get?" he said.
"Um, Luna, Twilight and Rarity," I answered, feeling at the same time proud, and slightly embarrassed as if I was bragging.
"Wow! I'd heard you had aimed high, but dang, you mean the two princesses and Ponyville's own fashion star?" he asked incredulously after his jaw returned to its correct place. I couldn't help but smile while I nodded and he added low whistle as he said, "Ha, so when's your first date? Tonight?"
"Yeah, yeah it is," I said, finding myself quickly warming to the idea of dating the three mares.
"Wait here a minute, I've got something for ya," he said before rushing out the door.
"What the Tartarus is he doing now?" I said to the empty bakery as Carrot rushed out the door and up the street.
A few minutes later I had finished my breakfast just in time to get my answer. Carrot came back in and had Roseluck with him looking a bit confused. "Hon, just what was it you had me come here for? I don't think I heard you, right..." she said, trailing off after she noticed me. "You mind telling me again?"
"Yeah, they finally asked him. So our friend here has a big first date tonight, and needs your help getting ready," Carrot explained.
"Now really, that's not necessary. I can handle getting myself ready for for a date," I said, smiling and politely refusing the help.
My objections fell on deaf ears as I found myself being pushed all the way to Ponyville's day spa. "Hightower here got himself a hot date. Let's get him fixed up," Roseluck said, informing Lotus (or maybe Aloe, I never could get their names right) of the reason why she had brought me here.
"Oh, is that so? Who are the lucky mares, Meester Hoyt?" the mare behind the counter asked brightly. Roseluck whispered in her ear a moment and her eyes shot wide. "Oh my, this is special indeed. To the massage room with you, hurry now," she ordered, coming around the desk to push me towards a door that lead deeper into the building.
Once through the door and a small corridor to another door, I found myself in a large room with several massage tables, and the other of the spa's proprietary sisters. As the door shut behind me the three mares huddled and only faint whispers and occasional words of a foreign language spoken aloud could be discerned as one or another would rise from the huddle to look at myself, the clock or the door. "Okay, Meester Hoyt, thees way please," the sister who wasn't at the front desk said as she beckoned me to follow her to a corner of the room separated by some folding partitions. Behind the portable walls was a much larger massage table, long enough for someone even taller than myself to lay on comfortably. "Thees is our special table for clients of your particular proportions, or Celestia when she chooses to veesit," she said.
"Alright, here's a towel, once that's all yer wearin' Aloe here will start your massage, and in the meantime I got something else to go get ready for ya," Roseluck said with a wink as she placed a large towel on the table before running out while I heard muffled hoofsteps of several ponies entering the main area of the massage room.
The blue maned pink pony sat facing the opposite corner from where I was standing. "Um, is this all the privacy I get while undressing?"
"I am a professional and must alzo respect the privacy of the other clients. You can trust that I vill not be looking until you say you are ready," she said, turning her head down so as not to be speaking directly away from me.
"Alright," I said, deciding to invest some trust in the masseur pony, and making a mental note the she is Aloe, and her blue sister is Lotus. "I'm ready," I told her once I had taken off and folded my clothes and put the towel on over my boxers.
"Vedy well, if you would please lay face down on ze table, and I will begin the massage," She instructed as I heard idle chatter from the main portion of the room.
"Okay," I said as I moved to cooperate. "Never had a massage before. Is this normal for a stallion going on their first date?"
"Not every stallion, no. But then it is hardly common for a stallion, even one such as yourself, to get the attentions of a princess, much less two and our own Rarity as well..." she answered as I heard her shuffle around some bottles before feeling oil drizzle onto my back and shoulders. "You may not know eet, but you are quite the catch," she said as her hooves began pressing into my back. "Oh my, so much tension. You really must try to relax more."
"Sorry, I kinda picked up my Mom's stress levels, and these last two days haven't really helped," I said, chuckling a little into the cushioned table.
"Wow, she must bear the weight of the world if you inherited thees much stress in your poor mooscles... I'm going to have to mount the table, just relax Meester Hoyt, and I vill be relieving you of thees tension," she said as I felt the table shift slightly before more firm pressure was applied.
"Ahhh... That's the spot," I said involuntarily as she brought all four hooves and her full weight to bear on my back, soothing aches I wasn't even aware of.
"Why did I not do this before?" I asked nopony in particular as I felt even more relaxation course through me from the hot bath. "If I'd known about this, I probly would have been here every day of winter!"
"Eyup, it sure is nice isn't it?" asked a voice I knew all too well.
"Hey Mac, you gettin' ready for a date too?" I asked, eyes still closed to focus on the pleasure of the bath even as I felt the waves of his entry from the far side.
"Heh, nope, not a special date anyhow. But I did hear you got a princess or two... Maybe even a certain fashion obsessed unicorn as well. You done good from what I heard," Macintosh said with a chuckle.
"Heh, yeah, guess I got quite the set I reckon. But what brings you here if not a special date? I never took you for the type to come to this sort of place," I said, inquiring to the farm pony's reasons for being at the spa, opening my eyes to see his expression.
"Oh, I come for a hot bath every couple weeks, helps to relax," he said. After sinking his head in and shaking around for a moment he emerged and added, "Course, don't hurt that Aloe likes it when I stink pretty."
"No shit, Aloe?" I asked, somewhat surprised by this.
"Eyup," he said with a wide smile.
"Easy to see why you're always so relaxed then," I said thoughtfully.
"Last I heard, Lotus may be available... If you're interested." His tone was suggestive, as was his grin.
"Ha, I think I'll have my hands full enough already Mac. Not that the thought isn't appealing, I'll admit," I told him, stretching my arms.
As if on cue the blue pony entered the room. "Meester Hoyt, we are ready for your next step as soon as you are dry," she said, placing a couple of towels at the side of the hot tub.
"Next step? What all do you gals have planned for me?" I asked as I stood to wade over the the side where the towels were placed.
"You have a date with two princesses and our best customer, and so we are going to do our very best to be sure that their stallion is presentable to the highest standards," she replied confidently with a tone that brooked no argument.
"Their stallion eh?" I said, smiling as I glanced between the two ponies. "I think I could get used to that. Next step it is then," I continued, grabbing one towel and starting to dry my hair and beard.
"Are you wearing your shorts? In the hot tub?" Lotus asked.
"Well yeah, a gentleman doesn't go giggling his giblets about where others can see," I replied from under the towel.
When I finally left the day spa Roseluck led me to a light lunch at Cafe, apparently it is considered poor form to eat too little on a dinner date, and then to my house, where she proceeded to rearrange what I had chosen to wear the previous evening for a different outfit which included a flower that she had carefully crafted for the event. "The speckles for stars were difficult, but not beyond my capabilities," she said, smiling at the multi-colored daisy that now adorned my chest, featuring the colors of each mare I was to be courting in successive rings.
"Earth pony magic, another thing I will likely never fully comprehend," I said, admiring the beautifully colored flower myself. "Are you sure I should wear the kilt and not the dress pants which Rarity made to match the jacket?"
"Well, given that you are averse to nudity, I would say that this is the best you could dress for the occasion," she answered with a smile. "It doesn't hurt to show some fur after all."
"Yeah, I guess my legs have enough hair to count as furred. Almost," I said, looking at myself in the tall mirror. My appearance had changed considerably since coming to Equestria; my beer-belly was all but gone, my arms had gained bulk despite my generally sedentary lifestyle, and perhaps the most noteworthy change was my beard; a proper Shenandoah style trim that I had taken up after some sidewise remarks at a garden party back in Canterlot. "Alright, since you're my fashion consultant for the day I'll take your word on it."
Rose nickered at that, rolling her eyes. "Fashion consultant, yeah right. Anyhow, I'm out, got some work to do to get my inventory ready for market season," she said, moving towards the door.
"Hey," I said, stopping her before she left. "Thanks for helping me out today. Tell Carrot that y'all are welcome to come over for dinner sometime."
"Dinner? What kind of dinner?" she asked, turning back to me with a very curious expression.
"It's my way of saying thanks, beyond just the word," I explained.
"Oh, alright, I'll let 'em know. Catch ya later Hoyt," she said as she walked out the front door.
"See ya 'round Rose," I said before closing the door and turning to the clock. "Ah, five minutes to three, just about time... Oh, what have I gotten myself into..."
Three knocks sounded from my front door, signalling the arrival of what I just realized was the most nerve wracking event of my life.
Author's Note
Bracing for impact, shitstorm imminent. Then again, anyone who didn't see this coming, didn't pay much attention
Thanks go yet again to Sneaky for proofreading and making sure I don't screw this all up, which he did do twice for me this chapter. Go check out his story 'Close Bonds' or he has several others that are quite good.
So, how was that for a bombshell?
P.S. The russling is over 1.5 Megajimmies. But really? Shining boning Celestia is the cause? Wtf people...
Winging it With a Ukulele
Ch. 14 An Evening On The Town
"Okay, pull yourself together now. It's just a date... with three mares, how does that even work?!" Knock, knock, knock, went the door again. "Just a minute, please," I called to be heard on the other side. "Fuck, what do I do?" I asked myself as I realized I was starting to panic. "Alright, gotta calm down, can't be freaking out now... deep breaths, come on, don't panic," I said to myself, as I started to take deep breaths and chant 'don't panic' to myself.
"Hey, Hoyt, I forgot my saddlebags," Roseluck's voice called from outside.
Quickly I stepped over and opened the door, relieved to see that it was indeed just the florist mare who'd been helping me prepare. "Oh, good, it's just you," I said without thinking. "Doh, sorry, I didn't mean to say it like that!"
"Wow, nerves like to sneak up and hit you like a sledgehammer, don't they?" she said with a grimacing smile. "Calm down buddy, it'll be all right."
"I- Uh- yeah, I guess you're right," I said, my breathing still rather rushed but steadily returning to normal levels. "Oh, right, your bags. Here ya go," I added as I picked the saddlebags up from beside the door and held them out for her.
"Thanks. You gonna be okay?" she asked after situating her load.
"Yeah, I think so... Thanks again for the help and guidance Rose, it means a lot to me, really," I said, finally feeling calm again after the panic I'd felt moments earlier.
"No prob, it was the least I could do. Though I do expect more business from ya in the future," she said with a wink.
"Don't worry, there'll be plenty, I'm sure of it. Have a good one Rose," I said.
"Good to hear. Good luck to ya, make 'em happy, ya hear?"
"I'll do my best," I said, feeling myself smile a bit despite the nerves still itching at the back of my mind as I closed the door again.
Just as the clock struck three another set of knocks came at my door, interrupting my pacing around the living room.
"Your transportation has arrived, Sir," said a stallion of Luna's night guard when I opened the door.
"Transp- what? I thought... Where are we going?" I asked, unsure of the situation.
"We are to take you to Princess Luna. Her Majesty, along with Princess Twilight Sparkle and Lady Rarity await your company, Sir," he said with a curt bow.
"Um, well, alrighty then, but where are we going exactly?" I asked, still unsure what to make of the situation.
"Canterlot Castle of course. Where your mares await you," he said as if reciting a line he'd been ordered to give precisely. It seemed as if he was undecided on how to interpret the situation. He wasn't alone in that boat.
"Um, okay then... The date starts in an hour though, and the trains aren't running that much faster. It's still a three and a half to four hour trip," I said, now starting to worry about arriving late.
"Luna said to tell you that you would be, 'Flying Air Canterlot'? And said also that you could explain the joke on the way," he said, adding the last part after I suppressed a snort at the cheap joke.
"Haha, yeah... waitaminute- Flying Air Canterlot? Um, care to explain how that works?" I asked, suddenly very unsure of the situation at hand.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle said to give you this if that question came up," the guard replied, pulling a folded paper from his breastplate and holding it out for me to take.
Taking the paper I saw Twilight's seal before I opened it and read over a brief technical drawing and explanation of pegasus pulled chariots and how they work. "Well, alright. Y'all won't be up to any aerobatics with me in tow will ya?"
"We are under strict orders for a smooth and event less flight, sir," he said, terseness creeping into his tone.
"Alright then, let's get this show on the road then, shall we?"
'Air Canterlot' turned out to be much smoother than the few Cessna rides my dad and I had gone on when I was a boy.
"And so the death of a comedian's career comes along shortly after he starts telling jokes about airline food," I explained as Canterlot grew near.
"Ah, that is pretty well true here as well, given the number of airships flying from The Horn these days," the colonel said as his flying partner, the major, stayed stoic as he had the whole flight.
"The Horn?" I asked, trying to remember the reference but coming up short.
"It's what we flyers call Canterlot Mountain. We do get a rather unique perspective of it after all, if you'll look ahead," the colonel replied, not bothering to nod or point as doing so would require further adjustments.
"Ah, makes sense from this angle," I admitted, seeing just how the mountain spired into the sky with a great horn like shape that would make no sense at all without magic to explain its standing as such. It really did resemble a huge horn protruding from the planet's surface, even if it did have a Canterlot sized shelf hanging on the side.
"Ah, I guess they're still getting ready?" I asked the more talkative colonel as I stepped off the Chariot and onto the east lawn of the castle and noted the absence of my dates. It was still a chore to fight through the nerves that wanted my heart to leap out through my throat and my stomach to turn flips, but careful control continued to serve me well.
"Well you can go wait in the near lobby and I'm sure they'll be ready soon enough," he said, his voice showing a grin that his face did not as he and the major trotted off with the chariot.
"There's a guy to have a beer with," I said to myself as I turned to follow the given advice.
In the foyer there was a bench near the door where I plopped down and waited for the girls to finish their makeup or whatever preparations mares tend to do for a date. It wasn't long before a scent tickled at my nose that sent my mind to swirling and my heart aflutter, very shortly followed by the soft sound of hooves on carpet over stone, and a sight that very nearly stopped all the fluttering my heart could muster dead cold; Equestria's three prettiest mares, done up in Equestria's three prettiest dresses, and all with eyes for me. "Oh, we weren't expecting you to be here just yet," Twilight said, surprise evident in her tone.
"I was ready five minutes before the guards arrived," I only just choked out, still stunned by the exquisite outfits they all wore, very similar, if not the same with different accessories, to what they each wore back when I first came to the Castle. "Actually, I was expecting to wait a while longer myself," I said, scratching at the back of my head.
"Wait longer- Oh right, should have remembered the cultural reversal... Well, I guess that does make this more efficient then, doesn't it?" Twilight noted, not really asking a question but getting nods of agreement from the other mares anyhow.
"Ah, that boutonniere is just marvelous Darling! Wherever did you get it?" Rarity said, approaching with am excited gate to look closely at the flower on my chest.
"Oh, that? Roseluck made it for me. Or, for you girls I guess," I said, a nervous chuckle escaping me as Twilight and Luna also stepped closer. "Doh, where are my manners," I exclaimed, realizing that I hadn't removed my hat nor greeted the ladies properly.
With my left hand I grabbed my musketeer hat (now sans feathers) and held it behind my back and knelt down. "Lady Rarity," I said, taking the alabaster mare's hoof and kissing it, even as butterflies danced around in my stomach.
"Princess Twilight Sparkle," I said, kissing her hoof and feeling more butterflies flitting about.
"And Princess Luna," I added, also kissing her hoof as the butterfly dance in my belly decided to put on some upbeat jazz and get the party going. "I must say, you all look exceptionally lovely this evening, and I am absolutely honored to be here, in your company," I finished, adding a low bow.
"The honor is ours, I assure you Sir Hoyt," Luna said, bowing her head slightly, a gesture which was mirrored by the other two ponies. "And before you protest, yes it is 'Sir' when one is courting a princess," she added with a stern look that held also a warm smile.
"Ah, alright then. So, we were to start with a show, weren't we?" I asked, remembering the plan laid out the day before, which started with a play from my recollection.
"Well, given that you arrived on time, I think we could adjust for my previous calculations by taking a scenic walk to the theatre in order to correct for the variant," said Twilight with a thoughtful hoof to her chin.
"That, um, sounds good to me, I guess..." I said before a thought came to mind. "By the way, I'd like to... make a request, if that's alright."
"Why certainly darling, what is it?" Rarity inquired.
Swallowing my nervousness I answered, "If there is anything that I do or don't do that I shouldn't or should... Please tell me, as I have little to no idea what those things are."
"But of course darling. We can manage that, right girls?" Rarity said, looking to the princesses.
After a moment of consideration, the three nodded in agreement. "Yes, that is a commendable request," Luna said.
"But, what about that book you got from Cadance?" Twilight asked.
I could feel my cheeks burning. "Um, Fluttershy took a look at it and suggested that it may not be appropriate to read just yet," I said. "I myself glanced over its table of contents and its introduction and... agreed with her assessment."
"Oh, okay then..." the bookish mare replied, seeming rather curious, but withholding further questions.
"Shall we go then? It has been some time since I've seen Canterlot properly," I said, gesturing towards the door as I put my hat back on.
"Yes, a good walk around town would be a fantastic start for this evening," said Rarity, dancing about on her hooves and turning to her companions who nodded agreement.
I stepped back and pulled the large door open, gesturing for my dates to proceed.
"Somehow I managed to miss the charm this city has when I was here before," I noted as we strolled through the less populated streets at Twilight's guidance.
"Yeah, it does have its own kind of aesthetic, doesn't it?" Twilight said in response.
"That it does indeed," I said, observing the ancient city's peculiar architecture that resembled the older buildings of Earth.
We arrived at the Canterlot Symphony Hall some time later, and were directed to a private box seat that quite closely overlooked the stage where the performance was to happen.
"Very nice seats," I said, observing that four armless chairs almost fit to be thrones were placed side by side. "Any importance to the seating order? I'm more accustomed to half as many to worry about."
"Well you take that seat," Twilight said, indicating the middle chair to the right. "And we take the rest. We already sorted that out," she added.
"Okay then, I guess," I ceded as I moved to take my assigned seat.
"Ooh, I've been wanting to see this play for soo long now! And to see it with somepony special is just such a delight," Rarity said, suppressing an excited squeal as she took the seat to my immediate left. I couldn't help noticing that she sat only just as tall as myself.
"I have yet to hear from anypony who has seen it personally, but it has gotten good reviews in the papers," Luna said as she took the seat to my right.
"My experience has lead me to wait until I see a play before making up my mind... High expectations tend to lead to disappointment," Twilight said thoughtfully, taking the left seat, putting her across Rarity from me. Part of me disliked this unfair position for her, but accepted that they had planned this out themselves.
After a minute or two, a small table was brought out with light snack food and iced tea, just before the presentation began. "Canterlot Symphony Hall is proud to present, 'Shake Spear In Love'!" came an announcer's bold voice, magically amplified, as loud music started to play and the lights dimmed.
"Did I hear that right? Let me see the program," I said quietly, in Twilight's direction. Soon there was a paper floating before me in magic that provided the needed light for my eyes. "Ha, so it is... Well, this should be interesting," I added, staying respectfully quiet as the curtains started to rise and the play began.
"So, did you not like the play?" Rarity asked as we again took to the streets of Canterlot.
"Hmm? What gave you the impression that I didn't like it?" I asked, resting my hand on her shoulder.
Rarity twitched slightly at my touch but her face brightened just a little. Twilight observed this and said, "That, right there, you're even normally more affectionate than you were in the theatre."
"Well, I guess it didn't seem all that romantic to me, that's all," I said with a shrug.
"Not that romantic? A story of star-crossed lovers making a connection like that?" Rarity said as if I had implied something scandalous.
"Well, no offense intended, it was a good play, just not a good romance," I said. Seeing the reaction this got from the white mare I added, "The way I see it, the protagonist did so much to seem like someone he wasn't, that he was not the actual object of his fair lady's affections, but the character he'd invented was. Seen my uncle go through six divorces because of that, and by now he's probably got his seventh from that last gal I saw him with."
"Your uncle sounds-" Luna started before I interrupted her.
"He's a stand up guy with a knack for picking bad women," I said before adding, "I love him to death, but he never could play poker to save his life."
"That is actually what I was going to say, or the gist of it," Luna said with an apologetic look.
"Oh, sorry, just used to people making the wrong assumptions back home," I said, and I was about to pat her shoulder before something clicked and I took a brief glance around. "Um, do all royal dates get so much protection?"
Suddenly we stopped and with us about twenty or so stallions in our immediate proximity. Twilight and Luna looked around a moment before zeroing in on one vaguely familiar stallion.
"Gleaming Shield, might we inquire what a quarter of thy regiment is doing here and out of uniform? Enjoying a casual stroll and coincidentally falling into loose formation as thou just happened to find thyselves making a perimeter?" Luna said, not asking a question as her speech left no question of her anger. "What were the orders we gave before leaving the Castle?"
Gleaming fell into a low bow and started to mutter hurried apologies. Before another tirade could be launched on him I felt sympathy for the dutiful soldier and stepped in. "Now, let's take it easy, I'm sure his actions had only the best intentions," I said to the livid princesses, giving my best smile as I stood not quite between them and the cowering guard.
"Gleaming, dismiss. The regular patrols should be more than sufficient protection, thank you," Twilight said, keeping her tone and expression neutral. "And Gleaming," she said more quietly before he could retreat. "Thank you, your diligence will be noted, and our privacy rewarded," she added with a smile that visibly picked up his spirits.
"Yes, Your Highness, Thank you Your Highness," Gleaming Shield said, as he quickly bowed again before making his retreat.
Alone again except for a very few passers by, Luna waited until all of the identifiable guards were gone before a bright smile fell upon her face. "Hehe, now I can do what I've been wanting to since we left the theatre," she said as she walked around behind me and with her magic gently raised my right hand to put it across her back. "Hmm, I like this much better, do you mind?" she asked as she leaned very slightly against my side and I found myself holding her there.
"Not at all, Luna. But it does seem odd come to think of it, given there are three of you and I have but two arms. How is this to be made fair for you girls?" I asked, feeling an urge not to 'play favorites'.
"Just like the seating, we have already discussed and agreed on this," Twilight said, nodding to Rarity, who moved to my left side and nuzzled my hand to rest on her shoulder. "Our dinner reservations are a few blocks away. I seem to recall you telling us your thoughts about the play."
"Oh, right, well it differs greatly from a screenplay of the same name from back home. But my objections were not so much the plot as the handling of the romance itself..."
"I guess anywhere I go with you girls is going to be exclusive, eh?" I asked as we sat at a secluded table in one of, if not the nicest restaurant Canterlot had to offer. The grand dining hall featured a huge glass wall facing northeast, and this northernmost table would provide a wonderful view of the moon's rise.
"Well, with courting a princess comes certain benefits, after all," Luna said from my left. "And after we order, while the meal is prepared, Twilight and I shall see to giving Spring a proper welcome here in Canterlot," she added with a smile as she turned again to her menu.
"Ooh, and our seating arrangement is without coincidence I presume?" I asked the two princesses, now sitting to my left and across from me, as I flipped through the drinks menu, having already selected the Ratatouille for my entree.
"Well, you know already how much I like to rely on chance," Twilight said, smiling brightly without a menu, having as likely ordered ahead of time with the reservation.
"Alright, maybe you can answer before the waiter arrives... Do they serve beer here at all? Since I learned the Empire has it, thanks to your brother's contribution to the package I received the other day, I have been wanting another taste of my old favorite from home," I inquired of Twilight, who seemed to have already known the selection available.
"Beer?" she said as if tasting the word on her tongue. "I'm not sure really... It's a drink right?" she added, somewhat confused.
"You mean to say that you actually like beer?" Luna asked, sounding either incredulous, or curious.
"Like it? Hell, I love it!" I said, excited at the very possibility of having my favored beverage. "Ha, different brands are even considered 'national favorites' depending the region you're in back home. Texas even has a few brands that provide specially labeled bottles for product sold within state borders," I said, feeling a bit of pride for my old home.
"I will have to inquire myself where it is available locally," Luna said, turning to the back pages of her own menu.
"Is this drink particularly good?" Rarity asked curiously.
"More of an acquired taste for most back home, but pending the variety you get, it can be really amazing. Like that Porter that Shining sent me, it was absolutely wonderful; barely sweet, barely bitter, tropical fruity kind of flavors and an aroma like a field of flowers with a southern summer breeze promising rain... Gettin' thirsty just thinking about it," I said, looking out to the darkening sky.
"Sounds like I'll just have to try some. Ooh, here comes the waiter now," Rarity said, looking past my right shoulder.
"Your Majesties and guests, might I take your orders this evening?" the waiter, a poshly dressed unicorn stallion, asked as he approached the table between myself and Luna.
"We have a question regarding the availability of some drinks, sir," Twilight said. "Would there happen to be any beer in stock? And if so, what kinds," she added once he indicated that he was ready to either answer or relay her inquiry.
"I recall some cases labeled as such, but will have to ask as to the varieties," he said, scribbling on his notepad.
"Very well sir, I think that we are ready to place the rest of our order so that Luna and I can partake of our duties while the meal is prepared," Twilight said, smiling brightly.
"With pleasure Madams and Sir. What shall be your dinning selections for tonight?" With that the food order was placed, including a bottle of nine eighty five vintage Cabernet, and my own note to go ahead and bring four bottles of porter if it was available. "Very well, I shall see to it that your order is prepared, and the beers will be brought immediately if they are in our stocks," he said before bowing briefly to each princess and trotting off towards the kitchens.
"So my favorite wine in the vintage of love hmm?" I asked the three mares, getting a blush from each but a giggle from Rarity.
"Well you haven't exactly been known to stock a wide variety Darling," the white mare said, as her royal counterparts suppressed their own laughter and nodded.
"Alright, alright, so I'm a creature of habit," I said, rolling my eyes before a familiar gong sound rang through the restaurant.
The Princesses and I were the only ones to notice the noise of the enchanted bell before Luna stood with Twilight and said, "Time for our momentary absence, we will return shortly." As they made their way to the balcony a stifling silence fell over the room.
I reclined in my chair and watched as Twilight started to give her special touch to the transition from day to night, the music of her magic sounding happy, yet nervous. 'So I'm not the only one with nerves buzzing like mad,' I thought to myself as Celestia's magic started to come in, sounding joyful, yet tinged with... something else. Soon the song of the sun faded, giving way to Luna, whose song was a beautiful one, which seemed to speak of both hope, and regret. Rarity had moved close by my side, and only as the chatter of conversation returned did I notice I was holding her tightly next to me, gazing into the radiant stars surrounding the full moon of Equus.
A soft white hoof on my cheek turned my gaze to the shimmering blue eyes of Rarity. In turn I took her cheek in my hand as we moved closer together, and the touch of her lips on mine forced the still dancing butterflies in my stomach into stunned silence. Her breath on my face, her fragrance in my nose, her lips caressing mine, for that moment she was the world.
"We move several million kilotons of rock and other matter into the night sky, and she takes the evening's first kiss." The dance kicked off again with a samba beat as Luna's words came to my ears, registering that she had returned to the table, and that Rarity was in fact not the entirety of existence.
Rarity's hoof pushed my hand away as I felt her smile against my lips before she pulled away and started giggling. "Hehehe, well you girls did set up such a wonderful moment for it. I couldn't let your hard work go to waste," she said, smiling brightly at the princesses who I noticed were both also smiling widely.
"Hoyt, relax, that's one of the things you're supposed to do on a date," Twilight said, having picked up on my confusion. "It's even on the list," she added, which got a face-hoof from Rarity.
"What list?" Luna asked curiously.
"The list from 'Dating One Oh One'," Twilight said, getting an annoyed grumble from the unicorn. "Oh, no. I learned my lesson on that already, Rarity," she added with a sheepish smile. "Besides, that list would take two weeks, three days, fourteen hours and thirty seven minutes to complete in one run."
"That long eh?" I asked, trying and failing not to smile. Twilight started to reply, but stuck her tongue out in a very un-princess-like manner when she realized what I meant. "I'm just teasin' ya, Twilight. So why couldn't Cadance have sent me a copy of that rather than that... Well, rather than what she did send? I could have gotten some actual information from that," I said, keeping myself from laughing at her fake pout.
"Here are your drinks, the entrees will be along shortly," the waiter said, depositing four bottles of beer, just like what I had received from Shining, with four glass mugs, and four wine glasses on the table. He then set a stand next to the table between the princesses that had a decorative bucket on top with a wine bottle sticking out of it. He levitated the wine out, disturbing the ice in the bucket, and held it for Twilight and then Luna to inspect the label and nod approval before his magic pulled the cork and each wine glass was filled and set before a placing. "How else may I be of service?" he asked, placing the bottle back into the ice.
"Just the food when it is ready, thank you sir," Luna answered. The waiter gave a quick bow before trotting off back towards the kitchen.
"Now this is what I've been waiting for," I said as I placed a mug in front of myself before grabbing the first bottle of beer. "Shall I pour some samples for you girls?" I asked while I unfastened the wire retainer and started to carefully work the cork out.
"Oh, yes please," Rarity answered, flinching slightly at the sound of gas releasing itself from the cork's seal.
I poured a small amount into the first glass and set it in front of the unicorn, saying, "For the lady. Twilight?" The younger alicorn nodded, so I poured a similar portion for her.
"Not for me right now, thank you," Luna said, holding up a hoof to politely refuse.
"Alright," I said, pouring the remainder into another glass for myself. I held the mug up over the table, offering a toast. "To... to a fantastic evening, with the most gorgeous gals I've ever known," I said, looking to each mare in turn. They smiled despite their blushing as our glasses clinked together, my beer to their wine.
Luna took only the smallest sip of her wine before setting her glass down with a wide smile on her face. Once I set my beer down she said, "Now I'll take that sample." With that she pulled my face to meet hers, completely surprising me as her tongue invaded my mouth to collect the flavor of the beverage. Luna's kiss was at the same time delicate and energetic, vigorously impassioned and softly sensuous. I blinked repeatedly and my mouth worked a bit trying to find its partner when she pulled away. "Hmm, yes, I think I will take a glass of my own," she said, grabbing a bottle in her magic, the cork removing itself and the contents floating into the remaining mug.
"Luna!" Twilight hissed, scandalized by the other princess' boldness.
"Why didn't I think of that?"
"Rarity! That cannot be the proper way to taste a drink!" Twilight fussed further as an idea popped in my head.
"We could call it a new Equestrian tradition for beer tasting," I said before my 'shut-up' filter realized it.
"I like his idea," Luna said quickly. "Twilight, as a fellow princess I do believe your turn is next." Her smile was equal parts smug and devious.
Twilight glared at the older princess for a moment, then nodded as she adopted her own smug smile. "Very well, Luna , let us make a tradition of it then. Shall we?" she said, raising from her seat and bringing her own sample that I had poured around to me. "Hoyt, if you please, I would like to try my sample now." She held the mug out for me to take.
"As you wish, Princess Twilight," I said, taking the mug and pouring its contents into my mouth, swallowing the majority as the thought occurred of how messy the next step would be otherwise. With the carbonation still tingling on my tongue I cupped her cheeks in my hands and we came together for a similar kiss. Twilight was more deliberate and precise in her method, more intent on seriously collecting the flavor than enjoying the act itself until I pushed my own tongue into her mouth. Once we were exploring each others mouths their was a clumsy sort of intimacy to her motions, and as likely my own, but the act was none the less enjoyable, perhaps as much as Luna's given that I felt our level of experience was about equal.
When we parted the food had apparently been served, much to our surprise. "Oh, don't mind the waiter, he's seen plenty more before, I assure you," Rarity said, her words calming but her coy grin not. "Now about my sample? Shall I receive a similar tasting?"
"It would hardly befit the establishment of a tradition if everypony in attendance did not partake," Luna said regally, throwing a more than obvious wink at me.
"Uh, well, who am I to object if my ladies insist," I said, grabbing Rarity's mug directly from its place and doing the same as I had with Twilight's. Rarity though opted to take initiative and put one hoof on my shoulder and the other around my neck as she came in for a far more impassioned kiss that had very little if anything to do with actually tasting the flavor on my pallet. "Hmm, enjoyable, but I do not think it would suit my meal tonight, so I will forfeit my glass. Maybe next time."
"Yeah, I think I will try it again with another meal too," Twilight said, blush still on her cheeks as she sat again across from me.
"Like I said, it's an acquired taste. So on with the meal?"
After dinner we were again walking along the streets of Canterlot, on our way back to the palace to spend time in the royal gardens. The particular street we were on was lined with shops of all sorts on either side. One shop caught my eye and after we had passed it a short ways I decided to head back. "Ladies, if you don't mind, could you wait here just a moment for me?" I asked, getting their attention and questioning looks. "Just, something I wanna do, it won't take long at all, I promise."
"What is it?" Twilight asked.
"You'll find out when I get back. Call it an Earth custom," I said as I stepped back and turned around to find the store. And when I did I looked back to see them still standing a few doors down.
"Canterlot Floral Emporium, what may I, get, you?" The mare behind the counter seemed surprised and a bit curious to see me in her shop.
"I need three bouquets for three lovely mares. Do you have roses in stock?"
"I do, but they are quite expensive this time of year," she answered.
"That's fine. How much for three of your best red roses, and... these three bouquets?"
After paying I left the store with my purchases held behind my back and returned to my dates. The florist was more than a little surprised when I told her to keep the change from a fifty, but five bits hardly seemed worth worrying over. As I approached my grin and concealed hands got the girls quite curious. "Flowers, for each of you lovely ladies," I said, bringing my left hand out with the bouquets.
"Oh, they're beautiful, darling," Rarity said, taking a bouquet and admiring it.
"A charming gift indeed," Luna said, taking one for herself.
"Um, Hoyt? It's a lovely gift and all, but didn't you tell me that humans don't eat flowers?" Twilight's question got a raised eyebrow from the other two, and Rarity pushed a single bloom back into her bunch.
"Um, back home it would simply be a romantic gesture... Ponies eat flowers, right. Well, I won't hold it against you girls to have them as a snack," I said, chuckling at my oversight.
"Well, wouldn't it be considered rude? Since you meant them as a romantic gift?" Rarity asked.
"Well if she'd of had them I also would've grabbed some chocolates..." I said, trying to figure out whether or not I needed to make this not sound awkward. Then I noticed the sign hanging just behind them with three wrapped candies.
"Just a moment more girls. And come to think of it, we're not back home, and I won't count it as rude, so let's just say it isn't." I said, sidestepping around them to keep the roses in my right hand hidden before quickly stepping into the confectioner shop.
"Welcome to Mane Street Candies, got a sweet tooth? We can handle it!" said the bubbly mare that I would have sworn was Pinkie's cousin were it not for her horn.
"Hi there, you got boxes of chocolates?"
"Sure do! What kind you looking for?" she asked before looking me over, sniffing at me, and then gasping in a surprised fashion. "Ooh! Hot date chocolates! Three boxes is it?"
"Um, yeah, how'd you kn- Oh, I guess these would be a clue," I said, ending my question when she pointed at the roses in my hand. "The best you have, please."
"Coming right up! Um, hold on a sec, let me get them from the back," she said, visibly tensing when her eyes flicked to the window behind me, then trotting off and taking the roses without asking.
I was about to protest, but as she was already gone I turned around to see Luna, Twilight and Rarity quickly turn around themselves to face away from the window. A moment later the mare tapped my shoulder and stepped behind the counter. "Alright, how much?"
"Seventy five, royal discount price," she said with a wide smile.
"Well I'm the one buying, and I'm not royalty, so what's the regular price?" I asked, unable to do so sternly because of the infectiousness of her smile.
"Um, are you haggling up? "
"Yep, I'm weird like that. The regular price please?"
"It's um, one fifty," she said, suddenly turning bashful.
"Here you go," I said, fishing three coins from my sporran and dropping them on the counter. As she went bug-eyed and slack-jawed I added, "I can afford to be generous, so I am. The chocolates, Ma'am?"
"Um, yeah, here ya go," she said, floating three very unique boxes onto the counter, each had a bow with one of the roses tied into it.
"Hah! Do y'all always make boxes like this?" I asked, as I saw that there was no confusion regarding who would get each, as the boxes themselves were shaped and colored like their cutie marks.
"We also have Celestia, Cadance and the rest of the bearers along with a few other notable ponies," she said as if by rote, still staring at the coins next to the register.
"Alright then, thanks," I said, grabbing the boxes and stepping out the door.
"Are those boxes..." Luna trailed off as she looked at the box shaped like her flank. "They are, aren't they?" she asked in disbelief.
"Oh marvelous! These boxes have been something of a collector's item for some time now, thank you darling!" Rarity said, squealing in delight at the round white box with three blue gems printed on it as she placed it next to her bouquet on her back after hugging my chest.
"How did we not know of these sooner?" Twilight asked her exuberant friend while indicating herself and her fellow princess. She took her box similarly and placed it on her back, but like Luna, seemed put off by her cutie mark on a box of sweets.
"What say we worry about that later, hmm? As I recall there was some star gazing in the garden on the agenda," I said, getting their attention away from the slight awkwardness. "Stargazing with chocolates, as I remember, made for quite the romantic evening back home, would that not be the case here?"
Author's Note
Alright, thanks go again to Sneaky, check another chapter for a hyperlink as I don't have time for that right now, sorry. Anyhow he proofread this, go check out some of his stuff, it's good.
This chapter wasn't easy to write, but at long last here it is, hope you all like it, and if there is a weird shitstorm I'm going full bore on my smartass/trolling efforts, just fyi...
Next chapter is on the way, and I can finally say the clop is coming!!! So you can look forward to that next time. Till then have fun.
Winging it With a Ukulele
Ch. 15 Those Beautiful Eyes
After a nice time of laying in the north garden watching the stars and discussing the constellations and cosmos and such, we headed back into the castle and to the suites. After some insistence on my part, we followed something closer to my own customs and I walked with each to their chambers, enjoying a kiss at each. When I got to my own I shut the door behind me, and collapsed on the bed, watching the ceiling as I tried to put together how I should feel about the night overall. I felt good, really good, but still confused.
'Three mares, THESE three mares... A world that knows peace and prosperity, that offers friendship over suspicion, that has allowed me this wonderful life... And I get the attention of not one, but all three of the girls that have had my heart aflutter like none back home ever could... I never went around kicking puppies, but still... what did I do to deserve this?' I thought, as I lay there, trying to sort out what paradise I had found myself in.
A knock sounded at the door, bringing me out of my introspection. "Who is it?" I called, not sure what to expect.
"Room service, Sir Hoyt," came a feminine voice from the other side of the door.
"Just a moment," I said, standing up and straightening my clothes a little before stepping over to open the door to a sight I did not expect.
"Just here to run a bath for you," said Luna, bare of her normal regalia and dress, wearing only a maid's outfit.
"Uh," was all I could say. Her outfit, blushing cheeks and seductive eyes put all my thoughts aside and gagged them silent.
"Come along, it is hardly proper to keep poor hygiene," she said as she stepped past me and towards the bathroom.
With her clear of the doors I pulled them shut and turned to follow. "Luna? What are you doing?" I asked, now even more confused than before, but also enjoying the view of her thighs and backside that the shortness of the skirt allowed.
"I am here to run a bath for you, of course," she said, opening the bathroom doors with her magic and walking in.
I followed her into the bathroom to find her already filling the tub with steamy hot water and a selection of soaps. "What's going on?"
"A bath, is it not obvious? I am here to clean you," she replied, floating a loofa and nodding towards the tub.
"Luna, I would really appreciate a straightforward answer here. What are you doing?" I said, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall.
Luna sighed, then confessed, "Well, I may have... taken a peek at some of your more... private dreams..."
"And..." I said, urging her to continue. It was incredibly difficult not to grin at how she blushed and drew a circle on the floor with her hoof.
"I apologize. This was silly of me. I should go," she said, hanging her head and starting towards the door.
I stepped in front of her, to stop her from leaving. "Luna, you've told me before about your dream watching, so that doesn't bother me." Reaching down I lifted her face to look into her eyes. "Given what you just said, and this... enticing getup, I think I have a clue what you want, but I don't like anything to be vague. If you don't mind, tell me what is bothering you," I said, seeing her gradually relax.
She took a deep breath and let it out as a long sigh. "I... It... Twenty seven centuries. That is how long it has been since I almost had a special somepony," she said with regret and guilt in her eyes. "I have waited a very long time, and so, having the chance to be with somepony, I have acted in haste. Not for the first time tonight either."
"That is a long time to wait, no two ways about it," I ceded, nodding as I lost the resolve not to smile. "Wait, almost ?"
"Y- yes, almost," she answered, now blushing brightly. "Being an alicorn makes me... intimidating, to most ponies."
"Well, it makes you beautiful to me," I said, kissing her quickly on the lips. "Given the late nights we've spent together before, just talking over drinks, I would like to repay you the kindness. Let me grab a bottle and two glasses, and we can enjoy a nice hot bath together, sound good?"
"Hmm, I think I like your idea better than my own... Hot bath, and maybe other things?" she said, putting a hoof on my chest with a sly smile and battering eyelashes.
"Let's just see where the night takes us, and go from there," I said, giving her a wink. She grinned deviously and winked back. "Or the mood, rather."
"I liked the first way better, but I'll cede your point," she said, turning back to the tub as I went to the cupboard for the other items.
Before heading back into the bathroom I thought to undress, keeping the kilt on as it was just two buttons and a belt buckle to remove. As an afterthought I took the boutonniere from the jacket and laid it carefully on the dresser. Then I grabbed the glasses in one hand, bottle and opener in the other and made my way back to where Luna was waiting. Somehow I felt I should be nervous, but all I could feel was excited.
Upon reentering the bathroom I damn near dropped everything that I was holding, damn near. Luna was already in the tub and leaning with her front hooves over the near side with her mane hanging wet down her neck, and her eyes saying in no uncertain terms what she wanted to do after the bath. "I thought you would not mind if I started without you. The night is still fairly young after all," she said, her voice was breathy, and her head swayed slightly making the wet strands of mane swing about.
"Um, yeah," was all I could say.
She smiled coyly and said, "Well, are you going to join me?"
"S- sure," I said, then realized I still had stuff in my hands. "Oh, just let me pour us some wine, and I'll be right in," I added once I was distracted enough to form a sentence. Setting the glasses and bottle on the counter I set to using the opener.
"Aren't you a little... overdressed?" She was dragging out her words in a way that almost had me already throwing a tent in the front of my kilt.
"Um, what about the others? Twilight and Rarity? Will this be alright with them?" I asked, some tiny part of my mind managing to hold on to thoughts other than the mare doing her level best to seduce me. She was doing a very good job of it too, I'll admit.
"Hoyt, this is how herds work. Now come, join me, I already explained how long I have been lonely, and I do not wish to wait longer," she said, now sounding eager.
"Right, well if you'll hold the glasses for me," I said, offering her the drinks. When her magic took them, I unfastened my belt, then the two buttons and hesitated.
"Is something the matter?" Luna asked.
"Y- No, nothing wrong just... I've never been um, naked, in front of someone else before," I said, admitting what gave me pause. "I know it seems silly, it does even to me right now, but-"
"Hoyt, I understand. If you are not ready yet then I can wait a little longer," she said, starting to raise herself from the bath.
"No, don't go," I said, bringing my right hand up, my left still in place to hold my remaining garment. I took one of the glasses from her magical grasp and downed its contents. Setting the glass on the counter I told her, "May as well get past this last bit of shyness now. Seeing as it is inevitably one of the goals of such a relationship." With that I took the other glass and set it down before turning away from her and bringing the kilt around myself to fold and place on the other end of the counter.
"The view back here isn't bad." Luna's words made me laugh, which helped to ease my nerves.
"And now I officially have mooned a princess," I said, only just managing to finish as we both remembered the old joke. "Now, you're not gonna be startled by my trouser snake, are ya?" I asked once we had settled down to mild chuckles, not quite turned to fully face her yet.
"Let us just say that one of your predecessors possessed only a small portion of your modesty," she replied, shaking her head at an old memory.
"Well alright then," I said, taking a deep breath in preparation before turning around. "Still a good view?"
"A much more interesting one... Oh, right, yours changes its size without a sheath to hide away..." she said thoughtfully.
"Um, yeah, that it does. Let me refill this glass and join you."
"So, properly relaxed now?" Luna asked. We had been in the tub for a fair while, chatting idly.
"Yeah, I guess I am," I said, taking the last sip from my glass.
"And you are sure of this?" Luna said, moving across the bath to place her left hoof on my shoulder.
Placing my hands on her neck, I felt the passion that she was projecting with her eyes. "Pretty sure," I said, feeling along her taut muscles and soft wet fur.
"You are, very sure of this?" Her right hoof grazed along my inner thigh and only just graced along my fiddly bits.
"Well, much more of that, and I won't be the one answering, he will," I said, glancing down before looking back into her eyes. "But yes, I am sure." As my hand slid up to her cheek, her wings spread, casting a line of droplets to either wall and then dripping like rain around us. The passion in her eyes I am sure was matched by my own as we drew together into a kiss.
This was not a beer tasting kiss, but rather a frenzied exploration of each other's mouths. Our tongues danced about, pushing and pulling at their partners. Her breath on my cheek reminded me to breath myself as the event carried on and our hands/hooves explored around in similar fashion to our tongues. She moaned and suddenly tensed when I felt my way to her wings.
"Mmm! You alright?" I asked, breaking the kiss.
"Hmm, even better. Shall we take this to the bed?" Her breaths were deep and she pressed her forehead to mine.
"No joke about not wanting to wait huh?" I asked. She shook her head against mine. "Then allow me to dry you off."
With that I climbed out of the tub, dried myself quickly and grabbed a fresh towel. I heard a bit of her magic as I turned around to see her out of the bath, completely dry, and an orb of water lowering into the tub as the drain was pulled. "There is no need to waste time with that."
"But I was hoping to find the fun spots that way..." I said, mock pouting at her.
"Then I shall remember that for next time," Luna said as she walked past me, brushing her tail along my cheek as she did so. "Tonight, however, I would prefer a bit less between us."
"Hmm, yes ma'am," I said, following her to the bedroom.
After several minutes of making out, having resumed what we started in the bath, we were somewhere about the middle of the oversized bed, me on my back and Luna standing over me as I felt along her chest and forelegs. "Ready to move on?" she said, pulling back for air and to look down. I looked as well but didn't need to, I could feel that I was at full mast already. "Hmm, looks to me like you are ready... Let me get a better look at my prize." Her voice oozed anticipation as she crawled back on the bed. "Is this how it has always been? This size and shape?"
Her sudden curiosity, and lip licking had me just a touch nervous as I answered, "Well, yeah, for at least these last several years once I fully matured. That's the same old dick I've always had, why do you ask?"
"Oh, just, curious, that's all. This should be quite fun," she said, blushing furiously. Then she dipped her head and quickly darted her tongue out to lick from the top of my sac all the way up to the tip, coming dangerously close to setting me off with just that.
"Whoa! Hold on!" I yelled, placing a hand protectively over my junk. "Sorry, not meaning to end the show, just... you were about to set off the fireworks before the party started," I said, panting heavily as I tried to calm my body from what it wanted to do too soon. "Why don't you uh, get on your back, and let me take care of you?"
"On- On my back?" she asked.
"Yeah, that way I can make you happy without ending the show early," I explained as my breathing evened out.
"We are no- I am not sure that I can right now, given my own... excitement," she said, fluttering the tips of her wings to indicate what she meant.
"Huh, so it's true... But several of the pictures I've seen, thanks to Cadance, have shown pegasi on their backs seeming to have no issue at all enjoying themselves," I said, blushing once I realized that I had just admitted to looking at porn, to the mare who was about to jump my bones.
"Oh. I had heard that the restriction could be stimulating," she mused. "I may, however, need some assistance to get into that position," she said, blushing and shyly smiling at me as her wingtips fluttered again.
"So it's not a problem that I've looked at dirty pictures of other girls?" I asked, bewildered that that hadn't seemed to phase her.
"Well I fully expect you to be doing this same kind of act with at least two others. Why would pictures be a problem?" Luna asked, perplexed look on her face.
"Huh, I guess you could call it 'residual prudishness' from my upbringing," I said as I sat up to grab her shoulders. Sliding my hands along I found the base of her wings and pressed gently, getting them to fold as she gave a pleasured moan. "Now, I'm about to move a little fast, so grab onto my chest and this should work out right."
When she hugged my chest I made my move, shifting quickly to flip us both over, with her landing on her back, and myself on top. "Ah!" she squealed, as my maneuver was not entirely expected.
"You alright? I didn't pinch anything did I?" I asked, making sure I hadn't killed the mood by inflicting injury.
"Heh, I am fine, just a little surprised is all. I did not expect such a... technique." Luna was breathing slightly heavier do to the excitement and my somewhat rough handling.
"Okay, good. Now just lay back, and let me take over from here, alright?" I said, cupping her cheek with my hand. She nodded and I brought her in for another, more tender kiss.
When we separated again I started to crawl backwards, kissing along her neck as I went, pausing when I got to her chest. "By the way, if I do anything you don't like, let me know okay," I said, looking back up to her face.
"O- Okay," Luna said, nodding her agreement. With that I continued down her chest, stopping once I could support myself with my knees. "Ooh," she cooed when I started massaging around with my hands, and especially when I experimentally ran a hand along each wing.
After a while I decided to move on, so I lifted one leg at a time and positioned myself so that my waist was between her legs before continuing my journey south. I kissed around her belly, moving side to side, making sure to take the scenic route as I used one hand for support and the other to feel around. The coos and moans coming from Luna were driving me wild, and I almost missed a very important detail. "Ooh, titties! I always wanted to play with those."
"What?" Luna had lifted her head to give me the most aroused curious look possible.
"These ," I said, rubbing each nipple lightly with a thumb. Each teat was only a tiny little bump of bare skin matching the color of the fur around it, with the surrounding area being much softer as the muscles were further from the surface.
Luna's head fell back and she moaned loudly as I rubbed around her fleshy mounds. 'I wonder if they are still called 'breasts', given that they are not actually on the breast?' I thought to myself as I continued to enjoy the squishiest part I had yet found on my princess' taut body and her pleased sounds. 'I'll worry about semantics later, these are still fun!' I then leaned down to fulfill a lifelong dream and put my lips around a nipple to suck and kiss at it, getting even more noises from her.
Satisfied with the one tit I moved to the other, letting my hands wander to grope at the powerful thighs to either side of me before coming around to grasp and squeeze at her buttocks and cutie marks. Apparently I spent a bit longer than desired attending her mammaries, as Luna soon gave a needy moan and used her legs to press on my shoulders, forcing me lower. Even still I kissed and licked repeatedly as high as I could for a moment before moving on as she had wordlessly demanded, finding a new soft area that garnered even more noises from her.
Before diving in, I kissed and teased around the area, 'beating around the bush' as would be said on Earth. I gave a playful bite at he base of each leg, getting a squeal each time, and then pulled back. "Let's take a look at the prize, hmm?" Pulling my head back I was rewarded with the sight of a pair of puffy blue lips covered with very fine hairs and parting only the tiniest amount to reveal vibrant pink folds within. The smell of Luna's arousal came full force to my nose and sent my mind reeling.
I stopped squeezing at her hips and brought my hands around to use my thumbs to spread the outer lips for a better look at her pink center. There it was, the greatest treasure in all the land, and I didn't even have to inherit a key from my deceased father then defeat the tyranny of Prince John and the Sheriff of Rottingham to get to it. Glistening velvety folds and a small hooded clitoris. "Ah, the Crown Jewel," I said, then leaned in to kiss at that little nub.
"Ah! Oh, YES!" Luna cried, and suddenly she became very wet as her legs stiffened for a moment. "That... that has never... never happened... so... fast, before," she said between gulping breaths. 'Did she really just... No way,' I thought. "D- do not stop, please... We want more." 'Holy shit! So, awesome!'
Not being one to deny a request like that I leaned back down and set to licking about the area, no longer stampeding straight for the clitoris. The smell was intoxicating, but the flavor was rather neutral, not really tasting like anything but just slightly sweet and barely salty. Most amazing, however, was the texture and sensation of her muscles flexing about under the surface as I licked around. As I moved to the entrance I found something I did not expect, if I was expecting anything.
There it was, just like I had seen in medical books and on non-medical websites; Luna's intact hymen. Apparently I stared for a little while, as Luna raised her head to look at me. "Is something wrong? Why did you stop?"
I was at a loss for words, completely dumbfounded by the discovery. "Um, you um... Never?"
Turns out it is possible for midnight blue to turn mars red, in record time. "No, don't be embarrassed. I am honored, and will endeavor to make this the best it possibly can be," I said, rubbing a hand over her belly to offer comfort as best I could from my position.
Her blush faded almost back to where it was before. "Okay. Thank you," she said, placing a hoof on my hand.
Flipping my hand I grabbed her hoof and brought it close for a kiss before releasing it. With my left hand I reached around her leg to use two fingers to keep the outer lips spread, and then used my right index finger to start rubbing around the entrance and pressing slightly, stretching the skin as gently as possible. Hearing a hint of discomfort in the moans coming from Luna, I leaned in to resume licking to add pleasure to the sensations. Slowly the thin barrier began to stretch and ply, and soon I removed my finger to start using my tongue, prodding delicately and running around the edges.
"Mmmm, you studied this before, did you not?"
I pulled back for just a moment to answer. "Back when I was a teenager, I might have been a bit of a pervert in selecting my reading material. Well, up until I came here if I'm honest," I said, before returning to the task at hand.
"Ooh, you can use a little more force. Ah, there, yes," she said, moaning as I pressed more firmly, wiggling my tongue about to improve my access to her depths.
Surprisingly soon there was only a bare hint of the resistance that was before, and I was almost freely able to drive my tongue as far as I could extend it. At that point I withdrew again to start using my middle finger in a circular motion, pressing against her walls in all directions, getting her moans and whines to reach even higher volumes. As I slowly worked my ring finger in as well I moved my left hand to to rub at her nipples and started licking at that clitoris again.
Luna's hoof started pawing at my hand on her breast as she started to almost scream her excitement. "Ooh, yes Hoyt, yes.. Ah, THAT! Oh, don't stop, please oh please do not stop! YEEAAAHHH!" she screamed when I took her encouragement and sucked at her engorged clit.
Luna came again, this time almost painfully clutching my fingers together as a modest amount of liquid shot between them. I continued slowly working my fingers around inside her as she came down from her high, I still had work to do after all. "Do you feel ready for the main event? I think you're about as ready as you can get down here," I said once her breathing had finally slowed enough that I was confident she could answer.
Sweat sheened on her body as she lay there, breathing heavy with her forelegs across her chest. "Yes... I want... I want you... in me... now..." The way she spoke between breaths had me almost achingly hard.
I kept my two fingers working slowly inside her as I kissed and licked my way back up her body, enjoying the saltiness of her perspiration, and how all of her now seemed to exude that smell that drove me so wild. "Good, because, you, are, so, very, sexy, right, now," I said between kisses until I reached just past the base of her neck, where my cock bumped into my own hand, still making her breath heavy and coo. "Here goes... Are you sure that you're ready?"
"Yes, please! Give it to me, Hoyt!" she shouted, no shortage of need in her tone.
I stopped my fingers and withdrew them, making a point to let Luna see me lick them clean before moving my hand back down to guide myself in. It took nearly all of my focus not to come straight away as I rubbed my head along her lips, gathering her natural lubricant before applying pressure at her opening. Slowly I felt myself enter, her warmth and tightness making it a constant battle to hold back my own climax that wanted to arrive some time in the past. Her moans grew in volume again with assorted grunts mixed in, and I was nearly drawing blood from my own tongue to maintain focus, go slow, and not come.
Luna's forelegs wrapped around me in a crushing hug as she carried on crying her ecstasy with frantic moans until I bottomed out. "Mmm, oh you are wonderful," she said huskily. After several deep breaths I calmed myself enough to contemplate moving, and when I did we were both lost again to moans and groans. Once I had made a few thrusts I had found enough clarity of mind to realize that I did not need both hands for support, so I moved my right hand down to rub at her button in an attempt to make sure she got off first.
Stimulating her clit turned out to be a poor decision in terms of making her orgasm first, as her vag spasmed in response, multiplying the sensations I was receiving. I only managed to hold on for a few more thrusts before I erupted my seed into her and collapsed under the weight of exhaustion from the event, doing my best to breath as much as my body demanded the oxygen.
Luna ran her hooves along my back as I lay spent, sprawled on top of her. "You- you are still hard?" she said.
Mustering strength I didn't rightly have, I lifted myself enough to look and pulled out with a splat as my still raging hardon slapped against my belly, coated in hers and my own juices. "Huh? Guess so," I said, observing that part of me had more energy than the rest.
"Get on your back, 'tis my turn now," she demanded. Somehow I managed to find enough strength to crawl off of her and do as I was told. After a moment she managed to force a wing to close and rolled herself over.
Soon she was over me and dove into my face for a long, sensual kiss. When she broke it Luna took after my own example and started kissing along my own neck, chest and body, making her way to my manhood. Eagerly and without warning she took my cock into her mouth, immediately sending bolts of pleasure throughout my being. "Oh, fuuuuck," I moaned as her tongue lapped aggressively at the underside of my dick.
"Hmm, an uninteresting flavor, but the smell is so delightfully intoxicating," she noted, as if evaluating my taste.
"Yeah, it wasn't what I expected either," I said, agreeing with her assessment, but craving more attention.
"Hm, back to where we were then," she said, moving to straddle me again, this time lowering her hips to plunge me back into her depths. Twice she tried and missed her entrance. "Um, could you get us lined up again please?" Luna requested, glancing down to clarify her intent. Reaching to comply I held my dick upright and she lowered herself again. "Not there," she said, stopping short. "Ahh, there it is," she moaned once I realigned my aim to a more welcoming orifice.
Two more rounds we went that night, trading back and forth depending on who had the energy. Soon morning came and Luna stepped on wobbly legs out to the balcony as I fought my fatigue to get the covers turned so we could sleep under them. When Luna returned she climbed into the bed and I pulled up the comforter, cuddled in close for a day of sleep.
All good things must come to an end, but this sleep, instead of being ended by the bothersome noise of the morning being magically brought about, simply came when I had had enough rest. Not wanting to get up I snuggled deeper into my fuzzy pillow, which giggled at me and hugged back. I felt a touch, a soft kiss on my forehead. "Good evening, sleepyhead," Luna's soft voice said.
Muscles tensed all along my body as I stretched the sleep out with a groan. "I think I could get used to waking up like this; with a beautiful girl in my arms," I said, giving her a squeeze for emphasis.
"Mmm, so could I... We need breakfast," Luna said.
"I agree, breakfast sounds like a great idea... What time is it?"
"Ten past four in the evening," she said, raising up enough to glance at the clock.
"Alright then, guess that means it's time to get dressed," I said, breaking from the embrace and getting up. "Where did my kilt go?"
"'Tis on the bathroom counter, dear," Luna said as she also got out of the bed and stretched languidly.
"Damn, with a view like that I might just keep you here and forget about food," I said, admiring how her wings moved about.
"Oh, just get dressed and I shall call the servants," she replied with a smile and resumed her stretching.
After I got my kilt on I returned to the main room and we both made for the door, having agreed that sustenance was the current priority.
"CONGRATULATIONS!" Celestia, along with a large portion of her court staff and Cadance were gathered in the hall, and had even hung a banner on the far side for their party which read 'Congratulations Luna'.
"Hoyt, I would have gotten you a new instrument for the occasion, but from the sound of things last night you were already making enough music as it was!" Celestia joked.
Luna, for her part, did not let herself appear to be bothered, but simply approached her sister who leaned down to beam her smile directly in Luna's face. Nobody expected what happened next, as Luna quickly put a hoof behind Celestia's head and pulled her in to a deep kiss, tongue and all. "Thank you sister, for bringing our breakfast. Now tell me, how do you like the taste of a man?"
Author's Note
Here it is, my first published piece of clop, feedback is welcome, even if I am a smartass most of the time. Yes there already is a couple of other parts I've written, one a separate story, and one an opener to a future arc that came to mind and I had to write.
As always, thanks to Sneaky for proofreading, and pointing out some questions that I'll go ahead and answer here;
"But what about the hymen breaking?" It is possible, if one is careful, to have intercourse with a virgin, without making it a painfull event. The key to this? Start off with a finger, rather than jumping straight to ramming the penis in.
What Luna did at the end there, a prank, to immediately repay Celestia for the hallway party. That will get addressed further in future chapters.
Stamina? The amount of time spent star gazing and then in the bath I left vague intentionally. Also neither is afflicted with the teenage hormones that result in so many stories of bad first times with early finishes. Add to all that that both are motivated to find the energy to continue thanks to years of built up sexual tension, centuries in Luna's case.
Thank you all for reading, and stay tuned, I might be able to sort out another fast chapter for ya.
Winging it With a Ukulele
Two hours later Luna and I had finished our breakfast and each our own shower; we decided that showering together would likely kill the point. Once I noticed it, Luna's starry mane took very oddly to being mussed about, like a night sky with the constellations all wrong. "I wish I could stay longer... but alas, it is time for my court," she said, nuzzling my cheek and filling my nose with the smell of her shampoo. "Would you like to join me? Twilight should already be through with most of her monthlies."
"Let me get dressed, and I'll walk with you. But I'd like to go do some shopping before the stores close, since I'm in town and all," I said, cupping her cheek and giving her a quick kiss before walking to the dresser that held some spare sets of my clothes.
"That is well. Perhaps Rarity would like to join you," Luna said, pointedly winking at me with a wide grin.
"Heh, that is still going to take some getting used to..." As I grabbed a pair of dress pants another thought occurred to me. "Oh, by the way, no more peeking in at my dreams. At least not for another six weeks or so," I said, looking at her and tapping a finger to my temple.
Her pout and pleading eyes act was wearing my defenses down quickly, so I added, "I have a surprise in the works, a secret project, and I can't have any spoilers. Besides, it'll be more fun this way."
"Oh, alright, fine. I won't look into your dreams. But you have so few that it will be hard to resist," Luna said, still pouting, but much less so.
"Thanks, Sweetcheeks. I guess we gotta stop by your room first to get your regalia or else the nobles might have a fit if you show up to court nude," I said as I tucked in my shirt.
"Meh, half of them will be similarly dressed, why shan't I," Luna said, raising a bare hoof to note the lack of a shoe. She was a fan of causing shit storms among the nobility.
"Well then, shall we away, Milady?" With that we left the room, sodden sheets, unmade bed and all to make our way as I escorted Luna, my Luna, to the courtroom.
"Fancy! Fancy Pants, darling, over here!" Rarity called, spotting the industry magnate walking along the busy street with the ever present Fleur at his side.
"I say, Lady Rarity, always a pleasure," Fancy Pants said as he approached and gave a slight bow. "And if what I've heard is correct, then congratulations are in order, are they not?"
"Teehee! Yes, the rumors are true," Rarity said, leaning into my side.
"I'm so happy for you, Rarity. I knew that you would get yourself a good stallion," Fleur said, her smile was bright and genuine.
"Well, let's get things straight here; I'm the lucky one in this deal," I said, squeezing gently at my mare's shoulder.
"Alright then, what say you to a drink with the boys sometime? A good old 'stallions night out', eh?" Fancy asked, now addressing me.
"Sounds like a plan, but I reckon I'll be a bit busy for a while," I replied, nodding towards Rarity.
"Haha! Good on you old chap. Might you be able to stop by my office tomorrow? Just for some quick business?" Fancy said.
"Sure thing man, I don't have any pressing matters calling me back to Ponyville right away," I said. "We'll catch up tomorrow then."
"Alright, we'll leave you to it then," Fancy said, as he and Fleur carried on their way.
"So, Rarity, do you remember the way to that music shop?"
"Whoa, been a while dude," said the unfortunately named Sour Note. The olive green unicorn wore a sloppy mane cut and goatee of brown hair that made me think of a certain hippy guy from one of my favorite childhood cartoons.
"Yo dude, it has been a minute. Just checking in, thinkin' about getting something new, maybe get something I haven't played before," I said, looking over the top of some shelves of instructional books to the back corner where the meager selection of guitars was on display. Minotaur and griffon specific instruments weren't exactly common, given how few citizens of Equestria had hands or paws with which to play them properly.
"Alright, cool, got a couple of new things you might like to see, dude." Sour turned to leave the counter and stopped himself. "Oh, and a special request came in for you about two months ago; Grim Talon instruments from the Griffon Kingdom wants your opinion on their remake of that funky guitar thing you brought from your home world. Also I'm not sure they're spelling the name right, but I can hardly make out their scratch anyhow..."
"What? Dude, I gotta check this out! Is it here?" I asked, 'ukulele acquisition syndrome' pushing my hopes higher than I would normally allow in such a situation.
"I was going to return it to the back room tomorrow if you hadn't showed up, it's got some dust on the box from sitting under this counter for so long," he said, floating out a dark brown wood box shaped somewhat like a coffin.
"Is that a ukulele in there, or one of their young?" Rarity asked, gawking at the morbid packaging. "I mean, must they really be so revolting?"
"Well, from what I've read, their culture has a very different view on death, especially when it comes to music," I explained, turning the box around to find the hinges. "Whereas Equestrians like music about brighter subjects such as joviality and friendship, Griffonians prefer strong emotional cues, which death brings about in spades."
"Yeah, that's also why they are so well known for love songs, y'know. Of life's great events, none are more emotional than death and love, and especially the death of a loved one, I mean, they got this one ballad that'll make you cry for days..." Sour Note had a knack for saying precisely what needed to be said, and then not shutting up at the correct time.
"And it rings true with music from my world. A huge majority of the songs there are either about love, or loss," I said, trying to correct Sour's overstatement.
"Ah, I think I understand... I will be perusing around for a bit then. I might find something for Sweetie Belle," Rarity said, strolling away to look through the isles of assorted instruments.
"She could use the nudge, that's for sure," I said, remembering Sweetie and her friend's 'crusade' that often wrought havoc about Ponyville. "So, let's take a look at Grim Talon's interpretation of my ukulele."
"Well, they gave it a thorough makeover, as per their usual style, but I'm not sure on the sound of it... It's like they made this especially for grim situations or songs; it just sounds sad to me," Sour Note said, popping the latches and floating out the new uke. "Compared to yours it sounds... depressed."
"That is definitely an interesting look for a uke, that's for sure..." The body looked almost like some unusable fantasy axe drawn by an overeager eight year old on LSD. The fret board was painted with an intricate tribal style pattern, and the headstock seemed to be absent. Upon further inspection I found the tuning heads on the backside of the body. "The headless ukulele, huh?"
"Griffon humor, what can I say..." Sour was looking it over bemusedly, obviously unsure of exactly what to make of the strange build. "Give it a try man, see if you like it so I can let them know if they have your endorsement."
"Endorsement? From me? I don't get it," I said, not sure that I had heard right, a feeling that was getting to be familiar.
"Well, between improved radios and the Blues genre you brought to this world, the griffons love your ass dude," Sour said, before adding as an afterthought, "Shit, if griffon pussy didn't smell so bad I'd recommend a tour of the Griffon Kingdom."
"Goddamn it man, god double damn. Alright let's hear what this thing sounds like," I said, moving on from Sour's rude joke and tucking the uke under my arm. The first strum across the strings let me know that this was indeed a well crafted instrument; warm tone and low G tuning, just like I liked, but deeper still. 'Wait, that's not a G...' "Baritone? Did they tune this G C E A, or D G B E?" Running my hand up the neck I found it was a bit longer than my tenor from home.
"Digbee dude, they like the deep stuff," Sour said with a shrug, nodding for me to continue trying out the griffon instrument.
"Alright, that changes pretty much all of my chords, but let me see what I can do with it." After a moment's thought, I was able to recall the blues scales further up the neck and set to playing through them, noting the somber tonality produced. "It does sound like it was made for Blues and dirges... How did they manage to make an instrument by itself sound sad? That's just crazy, man. What if I play a happier tune..." Three easy chords and I was playing 'Feeling Groovy' without it sounding as joyful as it should.
"They got some weird magic in their mojo, dude," Sour said, knowing the song as one I liked for testing out new instruments.
"Well, tell them I like it, but would prefer something less emotionally locked into sadness," I said, placing it back into the coffin shaped box. "I like the humorous side of blues much more, as lifting spirits up is far more effective in my experience."
"Alright, I'll let 'em know. But their letter said that The Dirge is yours to keep. And Le Sonnet , which should arrive any day now, is its opposite, and also made especially for you," Sour said, closing the coffin/box and sliding it to the end of the counter.
"Le Sonnet? That one supposed to be happy or something?" I asked, hoping that maybe a new favorite uke might be coming along if it was as joyful as The Dirge was mournful.
"That's the idea, best I can tell, dude," Sour said.
"Alright then, can't wait. By the way, any recommendations for a unicorn filly with a musical talent that ain't showin' yet?"
Celestia's sun was approaching the western horizon as Rarity and I made our way back to Canterlot Castle, several bags in tow, including one whose only purpose was to obscure the coffin shape of its contents. "So you think what we got will work for those two?" I asked with a grin, lifting a particular back in my hand.
"I am sure it will work, darling." Rarity was smiling smugly, proud of the plan we had concocted for two little love birds in Ponyville. "We have all the details worked out, what could go wrong?"
"Um, Rares... Ya mind not saying those four words?" I requested, at hearing the call of my one superstition.
"Hmm? What do you mean?" Rarity gave me a curious look.
"I don't buy into much hokey stuff, but there is always Murphy's Law... which has generally proven true in my experience," I said.
"Oh, umm... Would you mind explaining that one to me. It doesn't sound very familiar."
"Murphy's Law; If something can go wrong, it likely will. Observational addendum; Statements made doubting the likelihood of failure exponentially increase the probability of it, to the point of near certainty," I explained.
"Ah, I will try to avoid such phrases then. We wouldn't want anything bad to happen because of a slip of the tongue," Rarity said, raising a hoof to her mouth to cover a chitter.
"Hey now, it's the only thing of that sort that I believe, and only because I've seen it prove true too many times," I said, perhaps a touch too defensively.
Rarity's covered chitter became a proper giggle. "Oh, I am sorry, darling, but it just sounds so silly! Especially with what you have told me of your world, it sounds so... illogical," she said, waving her hoof about.
"I know, it sounds a bit crazy, but I have seen it make itself true, and been victim to it too," I said, before adding, "Think of it like Pinkie Sense."
"Ah, you do have a point there," Rarity ceded, losing her laughter rather sharply.
We walked in silence for a short distance before I heard Celestia's magic begin to move the sun for her part in setting the night in motion. "Huh, Twilight must be busy," I said, noting the lack of my purple princess's magic.
"Why do you say that, darling?" Rarity asked, still walking along, but looking up at me now.
"She isn't pitching in like she normally does while in Canterlot. So she must have something else she's doing tonight," I explained as Luna's magic joined in and the sky darkened considerably.
"Teehee, knowing Twilight, she's likely studying. And, given last night's events, I may have an idea of what ," Rarity said, tucking a little closer to my side.
"Oh my," I said, using my best Takei impersonation. "Guess I'll just have to study up some myself, in case she has a quiz prepared."
Rarity giggled as we passed through the castle gates. "But I have always learned better with hands on experience. How ever will I ready myself?" I asked, bumping my hip lightly into her shoulder and waggling my eyebrows.
"I may have an idea or two," Rarity replied, magically taking the bags from my grasp and trotting ahead through the doors into the castle with a most seductive sway to her hips and tail.
Eyes locked on, I gave chase as we began running down the halls towards the private quarters. Various ponies gave us assorted looks as we rushed along, some I may have recognized had I paid more attention to something other than the fantastic white flank in front of me.
We ran right past my own room, two doors down to Rarity's, where the doors flew open by blue magic and we entered hurriedly. Once inside I shut the doors and flipped the locking lever just in time to turn around and be pressed against them as Rarity locked her mouth onto mine.
The doorknobs pressed painfully into my back, but I paid them no mind as my eyes closed and I grabbed Rarity around her shoulders and mane, relishing in her hot breath on my cheek and perfume in my nose. Pain went forgotten as we played with each other's tongues, pressing and caressing back and forth between our mouths.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," Rarity said, breaking the kiss at long last.
"Ditto," I said, chuckling as I regained my breath. She cocked a brow at me and smirked, breathing heavily herself. "You take the words from my mouth," I added, laughing slightly at my own line.
"Much more corn of that quality and you'll be fit for a fritter." Her eyes burned with lust as they bore into mine.
"You sure are hot enough to fry this fritter crispy," I said, grabbing her butt and lifting so that I was carrying her as I moved us towards the bed. Her back legs wrapped around my waist and her forehooves around my neck as she squealed at the unexpected motion. "Do hold tight, because the ride might get a little bumpy," I added, turning so that we would land beside each other as I jumped slightly to toss us onto the plush mattress.
"Ah!" Rarity screamed as we bounced once before settling in. "Well, if all goes according to plan, then you will be the one 'holding tight' as it were," she said, rolling on top of me as her horn flared and every button on me began to move about, struggling to be freed.
"Oh no, I am the one giving this ride. That is just how I roll! " I grabbed her chest and quickly shifted so that I was on top. Before she could protest I pulled her into a kiss, not deep, but enough to prevent her talking. "Now, just lay back and let, me, work," I said, punctuating my last words by kissing her nose, chin and jaw while rubbing her side with my hand, enjoying also the feel of her surprisingly toned muscles.
Coos of delight filled the room as I used one hand to support myself and knead close to her spine while the other explored and tried to turn up her volume. I kissed and licked my way down her neck, enjoying the soft prickle of her fur against my tongue. "Tonight, you, are, mine, to, take, care, of," I said between ministrations, once I had moved enough to support myself on my elbows.
"Oh, yes... Make me yours," Rarity moaned, idly rubbing at my shoulders as her hind legs continued to grasp at me and I felt her tail occasionally swat against me.
As my hands worked down her spine I continued licking and kissing, and sometimes nuzzling my nose along her belly, making sure her breath grew deeper before moving on. Finally I came upon two squishy mounds I had been dreaming of, and the erect nipples atop them. My heart quickened and I felt my pants grow ever tighter as I thought of approaching Rarity's succulent tits. "Mmmm," I moaned, using my knees to support myself as both hands clasped her tight ass and I suckled at her left nipple first.
"Ooh," Rarity cooed, pressing at the back of my head as she writhed about. After a few moments she calmed slightly, though her nipple was quite swollen, so I moved to the other. Her renewed cries of pleasure had me using one hand to undo the buttons that she hadn't succeeded with before. "Ah!" she cried, when my hand went from unbuttoning my shirt to tweaking her unattended breast.
"And now for hors deuves ," I said, lowering myself further along her body to find a glistening slit of desire.
"Oh, yes please," Rarity pleaded, mussing my hair about with her hooves, lightly pressing me closer. She whined in protest when a pair of thoughts stampeded into my mind, forcing me to stop.
"Um, Rarity? Two questions before we continue..." She gave me a look of complete confusion and utter frustration, so I explained the thought that worried me less, "Are you sure about... this? I mean, the whole... That I was with Luna last night and that that is apparently in the plans for the future as well even though I'm with you right now and likely Twilight later, thing?" My words were a jumbled mess as they finally found themselves and rushed out.
"The only thing I'm not liking is that you stopped for such a silly question. It is rude to tease like that," Rarity said, trying to deadpan through her frustration.
"Okay, just had to be sure, but my other question is more serious," I said, relaxing at her confirmation. "Um, how to put it? Hmm... What are the available methods of contraception in Equestria?" I cringed at how the words actually sounded once spoken aloud.
"Contra- Oh, oh, that..." she said, sighing slightly. "We have spells for that, darling, but they are only really needed during heat, which none of us three are in at the moment," Rarity explained, even as she worked her back hooves under my arms and over my shoulders.
"Now if you don't mind, could we pick up where we left off?" she said rather than asked as her thighs flexed, forcing me closer to her prize. "Ooh, yesss," she cooed as I caught on and resumed my attentions.
Her butt was firm in my hands, flexing lightly as she writhed about while I kissed and licked bout the area where she wanted attention, reveling in the smell of her intoxicating arousal. Opening my eyes for a moment I realized that my digits had far better targets within reach, so as I moved to lap at the moisture gathered around her outer lips I reached around her legs with both hands to play with her nipples. The reaction was spectacular, as she cried aloud her pleasured moan and squeezed around my head with her hind legs, attempting to use her other hooves to guide me to her center.
"P-Please!" she cried, and with a burst of strength managed to force my nose directly into her crevice. The olfactory overload along with her sounds nearly had me ready to burst as I licked at the base of her slit.
Rarity didn't seam to come straight away, though her volume picked way up as did her pitch. Slowly I worked my head up so I could breath, and also better satisfy her with my tongue, which was made to move a great deal more than my nose. As I enjoyed the feelings of her writhing under my oral attentions my hands idly wandered further up her body to massage at her chest, disregarding the relocation of their instinctual targets, but still trying to give more pleasure.
"Ah! Oh, yes! Right there," she cried, pressing on the back of my head as I found her clitoris. I moved my hands again to squeeze at her ass and pull her even more tightly into my mouth. Rarity's orgasm came hard and wet, gushing a copious amount of watery liquid into my mouth and down my chin. Her cries of ecstasy drove me only to drive on with even more fervor, licking vigorously, drinking her essence as I dragged the moment on for as long as it would last.
As she wound down, so did I until finally I stopped, my tongue not wishing to be extended anymore. My hands were still at the ready, however, and my pants had somehow remained unsoiled, though they had become uncomfortably tight. "Let's get a good look before beginning round two," I said, bringing said hands around to spread open her outer lips. Unlike Luna, her entrance lacked the fleshy barrier, indicating that this mare had at least a minimum level of prior experience.
Rarity yawned deeply and looked at me with confusion. "Round two? What do you mean, 'round two'? "
"I mean this, " I said, plunging a finger into her pussy. As her head threw back and her back arched, I added, "Further building to intercourse." I suckled for a moment at her still swollen clit before moving rapidly upwards, pausing briefly to give attention to her nipples, and continued till I was face to face with her. "Also, there is a human trick I read about, that I want to see if works for you mares." I made my voice husky as I swapped my index finger for my ring and middle fingers, searching for a spot on her forward wall with a different texture.
Rarity gasped, tensing as I found what I was looking for. She pulled me tightly into a deep kiss, not seeming to care about the fluids drying on my lips as I slowly pressed and rubbed at the place I had found within her. As she became more forceful, so did I, moving my fingers about faster and with more vigor.
There was an actress, popular in adult videos, back on earth, known for her squirting orgasms. If my hand weren't in the way, I am quite certain Rarity would have matched or exceeded one of her best performances. With a powerful blast from her pussy, Rarity began to scream into my mouth as her body convulsed and writhed about for what seemed like hours until she calmed.
Once relaxed, she broke the kiss, stroked my face with a hoof and laid her head back, closing her eyes. Her expression was serene, even as her body continued to twitch momentarily and her breathing slowed.
'Did she just go to sleep?' I thought, laying beside her, putting my hand on her chest to feel her slow, steady heartbeat. It was then that I realized that the right leg of my pants was nearly soaked, and that I was still very much aroused. I kissed her nose softly, and let myself rest, hoping she would wake back up soon, ready for more.
A pop! from the foyer of the suite alerted me of Twilight's arrival before the gentle plodding sound of hooves on carpet approached the bed. "She's out for the night," Twilight whispered, some excitement to her tone.
I froze in terror, reflexively considering the danger of being caught in just this situation by a significant other. "We could wake her up with a horn job." Something about Twilight's words baffled me; maybe it was the excitement in her voice, the arousal in her tone, the unknown act she mentioned, or the giddy mischief.
"What?" I quietly asked, rolling onto my back so that I could turn far enough to see her face in the dim lighting.
"Here, let me show you," Twilight said, mounting the bed so she rested over Rarity's head. "Trust me, she's going to enjoy this," she added, then began doing the sexiest thing I had ever seen.
Rarity continued to sleep, but started moaning as Twilight licked at and fellated her horn. All I could do was stare wide-eyed as the alabaster unicorn started writhing again, caressing herself until a forehoof found her nethers and began rigorously rubbing around.
The Princess took note of this, and used her magic to clumsily unfasten my pants and remove them, revealing my throbbing cock and exposing it to open air for the first time that night. I could not stop the moan that escaped my own mouth at the sensation of my manhood being freed and the show being put on before me.
"Well, aren't you going to help?" Twilight asked, ceasing her ministrations as Rarity continued on auto-pilot with a whine of protest.
"Now this, is amazing," I said, reaching out to pull Twilight into a kiss.
She broke the kiss sooner than I would have liked, saying, "Do what you were doing before, the real fun begins when she's awake again..." Twilight's sultry tone sent shivers down my spine as I moved again to kiss Rarity and bring my hand over her gyrating hoof to her hot core once again.
"Put it in me PLEASE! " Rarity shouted, her eyes still closed as her hips thrust into my fingers. Errant sparks flew from her horn, she wiggled about rapidly and her eyes shot open as she let out a shuddering breath.
Surprised by the outburst, I looked to Twilight for guidance. "Keep going, she's not awake yet," she said, winking at me before wrapping her tongue around the base of Rarity's horn to lick all the way up its length.
I leaned in, right hand still at work, and opened my mouth to join Twilight in stimulating the white spear now between us. Unicorn horns are fascinating things; I had expected... something more solid, like a dear antler maybe, but found it was more akin to a fingernail on the surface, smooth and hard, yet also yielding slightly as if to indicate a softer flesh underneath. I also realized, with this particular perspective, that the horn is not rigidly attached to the skull, but able to be moved about slightly. The errant sparks being produced were yet another oddity, silent to my ears, but electrifying to my other senses like licking a battery.
Soon, Rarity started bucking her hips wildly, her walls trying to pulverize my fingers as she screamed yet again, this time her eyes were open. Between deep, panting breaths she finally managed to say, "Twi- Hoy- That was- Wow..." As she finished, Rarity slumped back into the bed, utterly relaxed as gentle snores began to escape her.
Twilight stared at her with shock plain on her face. "She's never done that before..."
"Wait, before? "
Author's Note
Alright, sorry about the wait, life happened and I became gainfully employed, so time for writing got cut into. Anyhow, at long last here it is.
Tada.
Anyhow, thanks again to Sneaky for proofreading for me.
Winging it With a Ukulele
After my slip I hid my face behind my palm and wished for the ability to unsay that phrase. There have been many debates I've heard over the years regarding super powers and which ones would be best, but my personal vote would have to go to the ability to unsay stupid shit after you've already said it. It wouldn't do to have the ability to not say it in the first place, that would be the purpose of the 'shut up' filter already in my conscious, which worked perfectly fine for life on Earth. Funny thing about avoiding saying stupid things, is that you learn the skill only after you've said stupid things, or if you're lucky, by observing others saying stupid things, so that you can add those things to your own personal list of 'stupid things not to say'.
Needless to say, less than two days in a new world is not a sufficient amount of time for proper cultural observation that would allow safe compiling of such a list, nor is it enough time to meditate on the matter of linguistics to safely add to said list certain things which would file there by default; 'That paints this horse a different color', being an expression that loosely means that a deal being discussed has terms which have been altered, and would obviously imply that the deal could often include the purchase of a large equine. In my life I have said many stupid things before, often when drunk, but my previous record, a quip at my mother regarding the hips that I genetically received from her preventing my purchase of a smaller pant size, had been broken by an off-hand mention of what would equate to slavery, and in a room filled with magic users, almost all of whom had the authority to put me to severe punishment.
Luna was the first to speak, "'That paints this horse a different color' hmm?" I felt my blood run cold as she quoted me. "That would mean that Cadance wins the bet, sister."
'What?!? Bet? Do I hear giggling? Something isn't right here,' I thought as moved my hand and opened my eyes. I saw Celestia shooting Luna a rather annoyed sidelong glance as she floated a pouch from her robe over to Cadance, who wore a smug smile as she took it in her own magic. 'The fuck is going on here?'
Luna, for her part giggled in reply to Celestia's gaze. "You don't need to worry about upsetting anypony here, Hoyt, although this does bring a discussion I had wished to delay," Celestia said. "How to put this? You, are the first human to arrive in Equestria," she paused, "unarmed."
This bounced around my head for a moment as I though over her words, 'I'm the first? Wait, she specified unarmed, so she doesn't know about... Hold on, "the first unarmed"? That would mean-'
"You are not the first of your kind to come here, that is correct," Luna said.
"Okay... That definitely changes things, even more than um, well, all the magic and stuff. Now for me to explain a bit, but first might I ask; What type of weapons were brought here before?" I asked.
Celestia lit her horn, and an item rose from behind a near desk, while Luna used her deep blue magic on something behind me and soon, three things I never would have expected to see in person were floating before me; an ornate sword, quiver with arrows, and bow, all of obvious quality and age. "These are the weapons of your- predecessor," Celestia said. I stared awestruck at the armaments before me before Celestia spoke again, "You may inspect them, if you wish." I leaned forward and stared more closely, Celestia rolled her eyes and said, "I meant with your hands, not just your eyes, Hoyt."
"Ah, OK," I said, after a moment's hesitation. I grasped the scabbard of the sword very carefully, noting its lavish ornamentation. Having seen many ren-fair knock-offs of ornate swords of antiquity as well as a few museum displays of the actual things, their was now doubt, this was not cheaply manufactured in a modern sweat-shop. It was made with care, by a smith who obviously took great care in his work, and whose technology was rather limited. "I'm no historian, but I can tell finely crafted metal when I see it... This would have been a nobleman's sword, somewhere about a thousand years ago or more. Back when the vikings popularized their style of longsword," I said, pulling the blade a few inches out of the scabbard to reveal a beautifully crafted piece of early steel. The pommel and cross guard were both finely engraved with Celtic knotwork. "Irish unless I'm mistaken, and the gold filigree would most certainly imply a noble of high standing," I said, further appraising the sword, before dropping it back into its scabbard and offering it horizontally back to Celestia.
Celestia's magic wrapped around the sword, and brought it to rest gently on the cushion beside her as Twilight looked curiously between it and her. "So, what are your thoughts on the other weapon?"
"These I have significantly less experience with, the bow and arrows, as so very few examples survive from antiquity to modern times, and the historical record being sketchy at best," I said as I examined the bow and its accompanying quiver. The bow was not nearly as ornate, but very finely carved and had little bone caps with simple knotwork carvings on the ends. The quiver was very interesting, a leather tube with knotwork tooling around the ends, and containing twelve arrows with oak shafts and parabolic iron heads. "As I recall, around that time it was not at all common for a bow or quiver to get the kind of attention to detail that these have, as they were more often used simply for hunting rather than war," I said, offering the bow back to Luna.
"Those are very nice weapons, better than any of their kind I've ever seen, but they were rendered obsolete around four hundred years ago on Earth. Now, I noticed most of the guards here wielding spears, would that be representative of your current weapons technology?" I asked.
Shining Armor visibly tensed. "Now don't you forget about magic. We've got plenty of that too."
"In a room with four alicorns, two unicorns and a dragon, I'm quite sure he's aware of that, Shining," Luna said. "Now, to answer your question, we have had little reason to advance our armaments until quite recently. Are you saying that you are indeed armed?" she asked, I smiled weakly and nodded in reply. "Would you mind showing us your weapons?"
"Weapon, singular, and it could be referred to as the evolution of the bow bred with fireworks," I said. I opened my sporran, and pulled out my trusty pistol, first setting the spare magazine on my thigh, then removing and placing the loaded one next to it as several pairs of eyes fixed on me and progressively grew larger. Removing the gun from its holster, I set that back in the sporran, and tried to unchamber the current round. 'Oh, right, I set the frame lock yesterday for safety,' I thought, as I retrieved my folding pliers and used the small flathead to free the gun. Moving the slide back and catching the loose round, I pushed the slide lock in place and held the gun up. "This, is a modern semiautomatic pistol, allowing one user to shoot over a hundred rounds per minute with relative ease. This is the round it fires, a copper jacketed lead ball travelling at nearly two thousand feet per second when propelled by the explosive powder held within the cartridge. This is massively more advanced than its ancestors which outmoded the use of swords, bows and metal armor so long ago." Seven faces stared slack-jawed at me.
Several moments passed in silence after I set the gun on my left thigh before a soft bell rang from a clock on the wall. At that sound Celestia jerked to look at the offending timepiece. "Oh! The time, that's all..." Suddenly her eyes grew wide as she turned to address her sister, "Luna, it's time for our duties." When Luna didn't respond, her eyes narrowed. Celestia gently extended her left wing over Twilight's back and with a lightning fast flick slapped Luna on the butt with a loud SMACK!
At this point several things happened almost simultaneously; every female in the room, except Celestia, screamed, Spike and Shining both shouted. Then everyone but myself and Celestia jumped quickly from the noise; Luna was first, jumping to wrap herself around Shining's neck, Rarity jumped to do the same to Cadance, Celestia got her neck enwrapped by Twilight and Spike dove behind my chair.
A moment later Celestia burst into howling laughter, and I couldn't help but join her upon surveying the scene around me. After a minute or so everyone managed to return to their seats while the two of us calmed our laughter, and soon Celestia asked, "So, Hoyt, is that, safe? "
"As safe as the sword or bow, which is to say that it shouldn't be allowed in the hands of someone who doesn't know what it is or the danger of handling it improperly, or else they could accidentally hurt or kill themselves or someone else," I replied.
"Then would you mind keeping the 'rounds' separated for the time being?" Celestia requested, gesturing her hooves away from each other.
"I can agree to that, sure," I said with a nod.
"That will do fine I think. We will discuss this further tomorrow, for now we must set the sun and bring out the night," Celestia said, before turning to Twilight. "Fall begins tomorrow, care to treat our ponies and guests to a show?"
"Wait, what?" I asked, slightly taken off guard. 'Celestia explained about their manipulation of night and day, but Fall?' "Yesterday I was enjoying a gentle mid-Spring morning when I wound up here."
"Ah yes, I remember now. We will explain the temporal relation between our worlds over supper. But first we really must set the night before panic begins," said Luna as she walked out onto the balcony to join Twilight and Celestia.
Rarity approached as I put my gun back into the sporran unloaded. "So, how would our weather yesterday compare to what you left in Texas darling?" she asked, curiosity with a touch of what may have been worry in her tone.
"I didn't notice any difference, it was a comfy seventy-ish degrees back home, and Ponyville felt about the same. Canterlot seems a little cooler though..."
"You'd better hurry to the balcony, you don't want to miss the show. It is always so much prettier when Twilight joins in," said Cadance with a warm smile and a nod towards the large window the others had stepped out of.
With that I stood and motioned for the two mares to lead the way, and followed to find a magnificent view.
From the balcony I could see the sun to my far right hanging low in the sky, and the purple hues of the dusk to my left. Then all went silent but the powerful tone of Twilight's magic pulsing almost musically as various colors filled the sky in the most beautiful display of sunset I had yet seen in my life. And then Celestia's magic joined in, making a wonderful counter piece for Twilight as the sunset grew in intensity. Finally Luna joined in with her own magical flourish, bringing harmony to the sounds and stars to the sky.
As the princesses brought an end to the day, I found my eyes starting to water. So pleasant was their song, so beautiful was their sky. Of all the monuments and natural wonders I had seen on so many road trips as a boy in America, never had I seen a sight so moving, heard a sound more pleasing, as what I witnessed that evening. To literally see the night sky brought to be, it is among a list of things that language will not allow to be described in words.
"Wow," was all I could really say, being so awestruck by the wondrous sparkling display above. Cadance snickered, but I continued to stare into the sky, taking in the millions of stars in their beautiful glory. On a clear Texas night, it was never difficult to see so many stars that the sky seems full, but this, this sky had it beat in spades. Then something caught my eye, a set of stars that were particularly bright and arranged in a familiar pattern. My heart raced as I recognized a familiar constellation, a distinctly human constellation called Orion, or more specifically, Orion The Hunter. The thought occurred to search for a few other familiar patterns, 'Let's see, if Orion is there, and oriented that way, then that is north. Yep, there's Polaris, then Cancer would be... exactly where he's supposed to be. And look at that, there is Ursa Minor and a little bit of Major... But that much similarity would mean-' I was interrupted from my thoughts by a very unexpected question.
"Is this a religious dance of sorts?" I realized that I had been using my hands to measure the distance across the sky to locate the familiar stars and was currently pointing at Cancer with my right hand, while my left was held flat with the palm facing me and Ursa Minor at my wrist. My hands dropped as I turned to see Celestia eyeing me suspiciously.
"Ha, um, no. I was just noticing some constellations and their placements... Wait, religious?" It was my turn to look suspiciously at Celestia, then I remembered the conversation from minutes before. "So, what kind of religion do y'all have here?"
"I would like to know of your own religious views first before I answer that," Celestia retorted. Twilight was looking between us with great interest, while Luna looked on with a masked expression, and the rest seemed quite confused by the exchange.
I sighed, feeling some lesser hope dropping away. "I really prefer not to lead the answers given to questions like that. Honesty is paramount, and exposing my personal beliefs could easily taint that," I said, making a pointed effort to not cross my arms over my chest.
Celestia looked piercingly into my eyes for a long moment before giving a thoughtful nod. Turning to the rest of the balcony's occupants she said, "Might I ask to speak more privately with our guest? What I have to say I would prefer be kept to as few ears as possible." With that said, all but Luna nodded and moved to wait inside. "Twilight, I would like if you stayed. You may have need of the light this will shed." The young princess seemed quite curious as she stopped and looked back to her mentor before moving to again stand between Celestia and Luna.
"Hoyt, it is amazingly true what you say, honesty is indeed of utmost importance, for without it none can be trusted, and without trust their can be no harmony among people. But know that we will be telling you of part of our history, and history must be told accurately, lest you shame the memory. With that in mind, would you reconsider telling us first of your stance?" Luna said with a warm, gentle smile and reminiscence behind her green eyes that spoke of ageless wisdom.
"Alright, fair enough," I said with a sigh. Leaning against the railing, I began to explain, "Religion is kind of a touchy subject for me though. Mom always tried her best to make sure my brothers and I took to the religion that she was raised to embrace. But as I grew older and began to see more of the world for myself, I started to realize a great many problems with it-"
"I think I can see where this is going," said Celestia, silencing me with a hoof. "As I explained earlier, our worlds have a connection that shares cultural influence. So you would be an atheist then?" she asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"Well, that makes things easier, and more complicated to explain..." she said, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. "A thousand and seventy three years ago, ó Briain, came to this world, and brought with him the weapons you saw earlier, as well as his culture and religion."
What followed was the story of an Irishman who had come before and brought Christian ideals with him. Upon seeing Celestia, with her powerful presence, great white wings, flowing hair and control of the sun, he began to worship her as an embodiment of his own God. A practice which was quickly adopted by more than a few ponies, and led to more than a few conflicts over the following years. Eventually he died, and many of his followers built shrines in his memory. Five years after ó Briain's death, a war, known today as 'The War of the Heavens', which lasted five years itself, began. 'The Battle of the Goddesses', as it was known to those who took part, resulted in Luna, corrupted by a spirit called Nightmare Moon, being magically imprisoned in the moon itself, not to return for one thousand years. After five years of war, and almost seven decades of worship she hadn't asked for, Celestia set about patrolling the country, obliterating all of the shrines, and vigorously chastising all of the remaining followers of the false religion which had established itself, in an event that was known as 'The Day That Burned Brightest', bringing an end to one of Equestria's darkest ages, and to ó Briain's period of influence. For sake of clarity it was explained to me that four years ago, Twilight and her five best friends, used a set of artifacts, called The Elements of Harmony, to free Luna and banish the evil spirit.
"Now, I should say at this time, that some of ó Briain's influence yet remains. Though primarily in that all but the extremely young almost instinctively bow in the presence of an Alicorn, all of whom you've met. Another remnant would be the use of a princess' name as an exclamation, 'As Celestia is my witness' I think is the most common," Celestia said. Turning to Luna she asked, "I haven't bothered to read those reports of late, have you?"
"Two weeks past I gave them a glance, and found 'Twilight Sparkle' topping the Equestrian charts, with 'Luna help me' and 'Celestia damn it' tying for second place, while 'Mi Amore' tops the Imperial charts to the north," replied Luna. "Regrettable that, but if you include the coital exclamation charts myself and Cadance have a pretty tough race running it seems... Still not sure how to feel about that, I must admit," she added with confusion on her face.
"We have coital exclamation charts?" Celestia asked incredulously.
"Just from an annual survey done by Cosmarepolitan Magazine the month before last," Luna said with a shrug.
"Oh, that , I remember I used to own the top of that list. Well I guess it is time to defend my title in that regard," declared Celestia, patting her sides with her wings.
"You'll have to catch up to young Twilight first, dear sister, as she has you beat by no small margin," Luna said with a competitive gleam in her eye.
"What?!?" Twilight blurted, having been blushing as hard as is possible. "You mean there are mares calling-"
"This was a survey for stallions Twilight," interrupted Luna.
"Wait, you mean the stallions have stopped crying my name when they-" Celestia said, but was cut off.
"EW EW EW EW EWWW! LALALALA I'M NOT LISTENING!" Twilight cried while covering her ears and closing her eyes tight.
After Twilight calmed from being told her name had become a common exclamation for expressing coital bliss, (the other two princesses and myself taking our time about calming our laughter at her response) we made our way inside to rejoin Rarity, Spike, Cadance and Shining. And after Luna and Celestia finished their joking jabs at Shining for being caught trying out the human chair and looking quite odd for doing so, we all made our way to the royal dining hall.
Needless to say, the dining hall took yet another slot on the list of 'fanciest rooms I'd ever been in', and I was inclined to believe that the castle itself would easily lay claim to 'fanciest building'.
"So, Hoyt, what of your family back home?" Cadance asked as tea was yet again being served, with a cup full of ice next to my own serving of steaming brew.
Dropping a few pieces of the ice into the steaming cup and being satisfied to hear it crackle as it cooled the tasty liquid around it, I answered, "Well, there isn't really that much to say. I was the youngest of three boys, not many cousins, and my niece from my brother and his wife. Might I ask why you would be curious of that subject?'
"I believe she meant to inquire about the family that you built, Hoyt. Your own wife and children," Luna clarified.
"Well, the opportunity has yet to present itself for me to take a wife, much less make any children," I replied.
"You mean, you haven't, um, you haven't?" Cadance gestured her hooves together in a way that made Twilight and Rarity both blush.
"Do you mean the horizontal monster mash? The no pants mattress dance? The party at the pink clam? The waterbed waltz? I guess I am beating around the bush with all these euphemisms for sex," I said with a smirk.
"Sorry Hoyt, but that last pun is quite lost here," Celestia said. "The creatures of this world, as you have noticed, have full fur coats. Nice to see that creating new ways to say 'sex' without saying it is still a popular thing. Anyhow, what of your life back on Earth? Your accomplishments and titles?"
Suddenly I had a sense of deja vu, and a slightly less regal voice came to mind. 'Nah, she's almost twice the height...' "Well, 'accomplishments' would be a very short list, and 'titles' wouldn't even be a list. I have had a very standard life, got through school with minimal mishaps, got a job and just recently inherited enough money to buy a house. Two weeks ago I got moved in, was hoping to live there a bit longer before moving again... Guess that hope was in vain."
"No titles?" Luna asked, her own voice conjuring a similar sensation of deja vu.
'Now it's getting weird...' "Um, no, my country doesn't really have titles for individuals. Well, I guess there's job titles, but I think you're looking for a different sort entirely. Really my life back home is quite mundane," I said in response to Luna's further questioning.
Luna turned to Celestia and locked eyes with her, as they engaged in what must have been an in-depth conversation of sorts using that old language of siblings in a very refined form which left almost nothing for me to read off of.
After a short while dinner was served, and I was quite surprised at what I found upon my plate; a salad, topped with a generous slab of what appeared to be salmon. A cursory glance around the table revealed the same dish, salmon and all, sitting before Spike as well as, surprisingly, Luna and Rarity. "Twilight, might I ask what you were concerned about yesterday?" I asked, pointedly poking at the fish with a fork.
After looking between myself and and the fish on the plate, Twilight blushed. Celestia and Luna turned only their eyes to observe her sudden nervousness. "Well, I saw your um, teeth, and... Oh! We can get you something else if you don't like it," she said somewhat panicked as she started to float the plate away from me.
I quickly trapped the plate to the table with the fork and my left hand. "Let's not get hasty now, if fish is what's for dinner, I will certainly not turn it down. Especially if it is acceptable food here, as it would seem," I said, pointing at the other three plates featuring fish.
"But yesterday, you said you're a vegetarian, by choice," Twilight said, getting me curious looks from all at the table.
"Yeah, I did, pretty much, however I left out a few details, and chose my words carefully. I explained that I prefer to maintain a vegetarian diet, when finances allow ; it isn't easy to have a healthy diet with a low income. What this means is that I often have to supplement with less expensive processed foods, that I doubt would have been a good idea to discuss at a public cafe, while surrounded by... ponies," I replied.
"And what would those foods be , exactly?" Twilight pressed.
"Hoyt, thank you for exercising discretion. Twilight, shall we brush this aside? His diet will not be a problem here, and you really don't want the answer to that, I assure you," Celestia said, looking almost pleadingly at the inquisitive purple mare.
Twilight looked humbled. "Alright, Celestia," she said.
Luna chirped, "Tis for the better, really. Last time it took Tia almost a fortnight to regain her appetite."
Celestia blushed, her eyes widening as her sister spoke. "Thank you for reminding me... Lulu ," she said through her teeth.
Luna winced at the annoyance evident in Celestia's voice, and quickly covered her mouth. Cadance broke out giggling, and was soon joined by Twilight, Shining and Spike, though all of them tried to suppress it.
After a minute or so, the giggles had calmed, and so had Celestia. "So, I'm not really surprised to see Spike eating fish, but um..." I said, pointing at Rarity and Luna's plates.
"Ah, because it is beneficial for healthy feathers," Luna answered, momentarily extending a wing.
"I was told it was for a better coat," said Rarity.
Luna's ears perked, and she began looking very closely with narrowed eyes at Rarity's neck, and then Celestia's, and back. Celestia brought a hoof to her temple and said, "You are not seriously trying to compare my coat to Rarity's are you?"
"I think she may be right," Luna said with her nose very close to Celestia's neck.
"What?" Celestia exclaimed.
"Luna, you're both right, though the same benefits can be achieved by eating more nuts," Cadance said, rolling her eyes and using a wing to jab at Shining for snickering at the unintended double entendre. Spike and I went unpunished.
"I guess that would explain it then," I said, spearing a bite of fish.
"Explain what?" Celestia asked, sounding offended.
"The fish."
Cadance tittered. "Not that he would have noticed, Tia. He's been too busy looking at-" her eyes shot wide and she covered her mouth with both hooves.
Celestia grinned almost menacingly. "Looking at...?" she prompted.
"Not saying, you know my rules," Cadance said, stuffing her mouth full of salad.
Narrow eyes then locked onto me. "So, who exactly has captivated your gaze most?"
I locked my stare to the plate in front of me and said, "Ah yes, the infamous loaded question, I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole."
"Loaded question? Whatever do you mean?" I could hear Celestia's smirk.
"Celestia, could you stop making him uncomfortable? You know very well what he means," Luna said chidingly.
"It's alright, I can handle some teasing," I said, raising the fork to start eating.
Celestia squeed. "Tia, that is not an invitation," Luna warned, getting a disappointed groan in response.
"So what of the seasons? Hoyt expressed some concern about that earlier," Rarity said, having nearly finished her own meal while I spoke with the princesses. Needless to say the change of topic was also welcome.
I looked to Luna, but didn't speak as my mouth was full of fish.
Luna thought for a moment before saying, "Well, that is actually rather simple, as interactions between our worlds go anyhow. It is the result of our worlds being on opposite ends of the annual cycle, so our Fall and your Spring seasons start at about the same time."
"Huh, deceptively simple really, given the differences present in the same relationship," I said, pondering what I had seen thus far. Then a thought occurred to me, and I asked, "But I was noticing the stars, they seem to all be in their proper places... at least the ones I know well enough to point out. How is that possible?"
Twilight and Luna's expressions lit up with interest. "You like astronomy?" they asked excitedly, and in unison.
"Well, yeah, kinda," I said, nervousness tingling in my belly at the sight.
Cadance snickered, and suddenly the two pulled back to sit straight and stare at their plates, blushing as they did so. This brought giggles from the rest at the table, while Cadance smiled smugly at Celestia.
Celestia rolled her eyes and floated a stack of coins to Cadance. "What's with all the betting?" I asked.
Celestia tittered. "It is a custom that actually came from your world, even though it came so long ago," she said.
"By the way, here's your share," said Cadance, floating over a healthy looking stack of large coins. "It is customary here to give part of the winnings to the one the bet relies on when they are not aware of the wager," she continued as the large heft settled in my hand.
"Oh, that reminds me, I collected for you at last night's party," Twilight said, floating out a very large pile of smaller coins in assorted sizes and placing them in neat stacks next to my plate.
"Well I can't argue with tradition like that , now can I?" I said, taking one of the large coins and flipping it over in my hand. On one side it bore a sun inset with a moon, the other simply had the number fifty. Remembering seeing old western movies as a kid, I bit the edge of the coin, and was quite surprised to see it dented. "Your money is real gold?"
"Gold or silver, depending on the size and value of the coin. What about Earth? Your reaction would indicate that that has changed," Celestia said, looking rather curiously at me.
I dug around and pulled out my wallet for an example. "We have coins, mostly made of zinc plated with nickel or copper or something else, but only for amounts less than a dollar. For larger amounts we use paper money these days, and even worse, it has nothing to back it and make its value solid," I explained as I pulled out the little money I had, a twenty, a five and three ones. "Twenty eight bucks, hah, high rollin' over here..." I said, holding up the lint based paper for inspection. As the money floated away for scrutinization by the princesses, another thought popped to mind. "That twenty eight dollars could buy a decent, not great, lunch for two back home, not including a tip. What did yesterday's lunch cost, Twilight? So I can have a scale of reference."
"Hoyt, it's rude to ask how much a lady spends on a date," said Cadance with a wink.
Twilight's reaction was, in hindsight, hilarious; her eyes shot remarkably wide, her face almost glowed from blushing, and the twenty dollar bill that she'd been inspecting was torn in half. She froze like this, staring in shock at her pink sister-in-law.
"Um, that was not a date," I retorted to Cadance once I found my words through my own bit of stammering.
Cadance turned her smug grin to me. "Oh, it wasn't? Did you two have lunch together?"
"Yes, bu-"
"Did any flirting happen?"
"N- Yes, bu-"
"And we know she paid, so it was a date," she said, smiling victoriously.
"No, in fact it was not. A meal cannot be a date if siblings are at the table. Spike was there, thus negating the possibility of 'date' status for that lunch," I said, finishing the argument.
"Ooh, feisty, and knows how to flirt. He is going to be fun," Cadance said to Celestia with a devilish smile.
Before anything further could develop of that vein, Twilight finally caught up. "Oh no! I'm sorry! I-" Twilight had returned from her stupor and was now fidgeting over the ripped bill. "I didn't mean to- Let me see if I can fix it."
Twilight's horn lit astoundingly bright and there was a very loud POP! as she focused some tremendous amount of power into the paper. Most of my vision was obscured by the after-image, and my ears were ringing quite a lot, drowning out words I could hardly manage to notice for several seconds. When sight and sound returned, I saw that I was getting more than a few confused looks. "Are you alright, Hoyt?" Rarity asked.
Blinking my eyes and pulling my ears I answered, "Yeah, I guess. What was that?"
"What was what?" Spike asked.
"That flash and bang," I said. "From the spell."
"Good thing I planned ahead. Here, Hoyt, you will need to drink this, it will resolve your sensitivity to magic," Celestia said, floating a small and mysterious looking bottle in front of me.
"What is it?" I asked, taking the bottle and looking over it. "Number eight? What does that mean?"
"It is a potion, I had a small selection made to assist in your integration. Seven in total; the numbering order is due to a few medicines I had included in the same order," Celestia explained.
"I'm fairly certain it was only six sister," Luna said, giving Celestia an oddly stern look.
"Oh, no, Luna I am quite sure that it was seven. Should I double check the invoice? I have that as well, right here," Celestia rebutted, slightly raising her wing. Out floated a neatly folded, slightly yellow, piece of paper, which unfolded as Celestia read, "Let's see, we have; pathogen prevention, magic sensitivity, magic inoculation, skeletal health, fitness and cardiovascular health, dental health, and finally an elation formula which should minimize post-arrival depression. See?" Upon finishing she held the paper in front of Luna and waggled it about until deep blue magic took it from her grasp.
As Luna buried her nose in reading the paper, Celestia floated six more bottles to where my empty plate had been. Sorting them into groups, she instructed, "So, seven, eight and nine you should take now, the rest should wait until you're ready for bed as they will have the best results while you sleep." She then looked at a clock on the wall and said, "Which reminds me, it is time to retire. Those of you who wish to stay may do so, but I have court in the morning and must take rest. Hoyt, it has been enjoyable, be sure to take your medicine, Luna will show you to your chambers, and I'm sure we will see each other again tomorrow evening. Shining, if you would accompany me. Everypony else, I bid you good night." With that, Celestia rather quickly fled the room, followed closely by Shining Armor.
Twilight, for her part, seemed to have been rather confused by the whole exchange since her spell had caused my disorientation. "Magic sensitivity? Luna, can you explain what she meant?"
Luna was sitting frozen, staring at the paper still suspended before her. She finally pulled her head back from the paper and prepared to shout at her sister, only to find her absent. Seeing this, she roughly folded the paper again and summoned a quill which she expediently used to write on the paper, and then folded it again so that its outward faces were all blank. "Twilight, did you happen to see what was on that parchment?" she asked, getting a negative answer. "Tis for the better. Did you have any part in that?" she quickly asked, turning to Cadance.
Cadance was taken aback by the sudden stern questioning. "Lulu, what do you mean? I honestly have no idea what you're talking about," she said, holding her hooves up.
Luna took a deep breath and visibly calmed herself. "Spike, I have a request," she said, getting the dragon's full and alert attention. "I would like you to send this to Tia... after you reach your quarters," She said, as the little guy perked at the prospect and then deflated.
"Alright, I guess I'll be tired by then anyhow," Spike said, seeming somewhat dejected.
Luna quickly added, "Do this for me, and there will be a proper feast for you for lunch tomorrow; quartz, sapphires, emeralds, rubies, diamonds ..." As she finished, she gave him a winning smile.
As Spike hurriedly left the room, suddenly overjoyed by the prospects of tomorrow's lunch, Luna turned to face me. "Please pardon my rudeness, but I must take my own leave for a short time. Meanwhile, please leave the potions untouched until I return," she said, her voice returning to an angelic tone. "Cadance, if you would be so kind as to come along with me, I have someone to talk to," she ordered more than said, as she walked out a different door.
"What was all that about?" I asked, now quite confused myself as two more ponies left the room.
"Wait, so what happened with my spell?" Twilight asked me.
"I take it that magic is not typically supposed to include audio and visual stimulation?" I said.
"Not unless there is a great deal of power invol- oh, right, never mind that. Normally unless a spell is intended to have such an effect, it doesn't. So how much have you been seeing and hearing up to now?" she replied.
"Well, so far it would seem a mostly unique colored glow and accompanying tone, varying from one to the next," I said.
"So what color does my magic have?" Rarity asked, excitement just at the edge of her composure.
"Blue, just lighter than your eyes... About the same as Cadance's dress actually," I answered. Seeing that more questions of the same subject were imminent I continued, "Twilight's is burgundy, Celestia's is gold, Luna's is deep blue, Cadance's is a very soft blue, and Shining's is... well his is pink, which is kinda funny really."
Twilight and Rarity both snickered at the last bit. "Now you must be joking. Shining? Pink? No way," Twilight said, looking incredulous at my statement.
"Not at all, it isn't quite as pink as Pinkie Pie, but it is a good match for Cadance," I said, trying to hold back a smirk.
"Ewww, could you please not make that reference? Eugh, gross," Twilight requested, scrunching her face. In response to this, Rarity clasped a hoof tightly over her muzzle and closed her eyes tightly while her body shook from unheard laughter.
After calming herself sufficiently for communication, Rarity said, "You see, Hoyt, a few months ago, Twilight walked in on-"
"I beg you please do not finish that sentence," came the rather demanding voice of Cadance from the door that she and Luna had left through minutes before.
"We apologize for running out like that, but it was necessary to talk with the potion-maker to be sure of some important details," Luna said as she returned to the table. "Now, Twilight, I would hazard that you are curious of this 'magic sensitivity' and what it means. Partly it is due to the lack of magic in his world, and partly due to humans having eyes that are more sensitive than most ponies', especially in low-light."
"Um, rod cells don't handle color though..." I said, now curious myself. "While I do have a far better than average ability to see my way in the dark, it's still all grays."
"What?" Luna suddenly gave me her full focus, which with her curious, and maybe slightly worried, expression, left me unsure of how to respond. "How well do you see our magic?"
"Well, what I see is a nearly unique colored glow, and an audible tone. Until we met earlier I was thinking it was unique to the user, but you and Celestia..." I was interrupted by my own thoughts. 'Wait a second, same colorations on both pairs, same eyes, same magics, same attitudes towards each other...' "Twilight, did you know?"
"Know what?" Twilight asked, while I kept my eyes locked on Luna, reading very well hidden expressions.
"So, how was your day, Moon Shine?" I asked Luna, watching her eyes go wide briefly, before her shock was very quickly hidden behind a practiced mask of neutrality.
Everyone at the table froze, staring at me as if I had gone mad. The chesire grin I was wearing certainly couldn't have been helping in that regard. Slowly my grin was joined by a similar one on Luna's face as she began to snicker and snort, until her mirth built into warm laughter. "HA! Haha! Hooo, oh, this is too good! Next you will be saying that Tia is Sunny Smiles!" she exclaimed.
If the skull wasn't made to hold someone's eyes in so thoroughly, then Twilight and Rarity's would have rolled across the table. "How would you know the name of a pony that was in Ponyville last night, accompanying another mare by the name I just called you?" I asked smugly.
Luna froze, unable to hide the shock at my revelation of her slip. "Luna, you were there?" Twilight said, seeming unsure of how she should feel.
"And you didn't invite me along?" said Cadance, feigning offense and failing to notice Twilight's state of mind.
My smile faded as I saw hurt flash across Twilight's face. "Actually, that's quite brilliant, disguise yourself and gather your own intell on the new guy firsthand, rather than rely on reports. Far more accurate that way. And of course no one local could know, or it would throw off the whole gig," I said, explaining away Luna's guilt.
"That actually makes a lot of sense, really," Rarity said, chipping in, having noticed Twilight's impending distress.
"Um, yes, quite. Anyhow, Cadance and I went to speak with Zecora a moment ago. This will need to be added to your potions to correct a minor miscalculation in Tia's original order for you," Luna said, floating a new bottle over to the several already sitting before me, and placed it next to the smaller group. "You should drink those four now, and the others before bed, as my sister instructed."
Cadance covered her mouth and yawned, flapping her wings slightly as she did so. "Alright, it has been fun, but even with the difference in time zones it is getting past my bedtime. Will I be seeing you all at breakfast?" she asked as her eyelids sunk to half mast.
Luna snorted and rolled her eyes, Twilight nodded vigorously, I held my palms up, unsure of how to answer while Rarity observed the non-verbal answers and chose to speak, "If that is an invitation, then I will certainly accept, but I may have need to take leave early as I do have several orders to pick up and drop off about town."
"Ah, very well then, I will leave you to your own devices, good night everypony," Cadance said, stifling another yawn. Twilight cleared her throat, and Cadance added, "Err, everyone, as the case would be." She smiled warmly with a nod before leaving the room.
I stared at the collection of small bottles as a silence fell upon the room. "Luna, might I ask who designed the magnificent gown that you're wearing?" Rarity asked, breaking the silence.
"Well, hmm... Firstly, they are called robes, and secondly, that is a story for another time. Suffice it to say, these were a choice made for our guest's comfort, as humans tend to shun nudity," Luna answered, turning to me for confirmation.
"What? Oh, yeah, my mom gets annoyed if she comes over to visit and I'm walking around the house in my undies," I said, only just picking up on the conversation, still curious about the collection of bottles. Seeing confusion on their faces I clarified, "Underwear, what Rainbow Dash showed everyone when she tried to moon the whole party with my ass."
"The showing of one's buttocks is referred to as what?" Luna asked.
"Mooning, because the butt cheeks get the least tanning and often have a nearly white complexion which, along with the typically round shape, makes it look like the moon... Ah, so many colors to paint this horse, so little time," I said, realizing that I had made yet another likely faux pas and attempting to soften it with a joke.
Bell like laughter rung through the room. Soon, Luna calmed herself and said, "Oh, it is always fun to ask people about that. You see, it is commonly called the same thing here, but almost never in front of myself, even though I invented it for our world." She tittered some more before going on to say, "The short version of the story, is that long ago, Princess Platinum had made some rather crude remarks to me, and I responded by showing her my backside and telling her to kiss it! My cutie mark gave the gesture its name here in our world, of course."
I couldn't help but laugh, the differing sources for the same rude gesture having the same name just tickled me in a way that only a very high - or perhaps very low - quality joke could. And then Rarity beat me to the punch on asking a question which gave me pause, "Well, did she?"
Luna looked confused for a short moment before going red in the face and trying her best to hide more laughter behind a hoof. "Well, not the first time, she actually ordered me thrown in the dungeon! But then, when I refused to set the moon the next morning... the day started half an hour late before she finally complied," Luna said, barely finishing her answer before bursting into more gales of laughter.
After a short moment my eyes rested yet again on the bottles. "So, about these?" I asked, pointing at the small collection.
"Ah, what would you like to know?" Luna replied.
"Well, quite a few questions come to mind; What do they do and how, as well as, why would be the biggest though."
"Hmm, very good questions indeed. The reason for them is that the survival requirements of your world leave you ill suited to this one, and it is our responsibility as Equestria's rulers to see to it that our subjects are healthy and happy whenever possible. These potions will help you to adapt to life here, mostly by fortifying your health," Luna said, answering most of my questions.
"So that brings up another question then, is healthcare provided by the state?"
"Yes, though typically through local hospitals and doctors. You're a special case however, as Celestia and I are the only ponies alive who remember your kind's last appearance, much less the slight differences in physiologies. You really should take those four now, by the way. I do not know what hour is typical for you to take rest, but it is prudent to separate the sets of potions," she said, further explaining the subtle differences in our worlds.
Picking up the newest arrival from the four bottles designated for immediate consumption, I picked the small cork from its opening and sniffed at the contents. The smell was... interesting, not foul, but not really pleasant either, and falling outside of my descriptive abilities. I took a deep breath, and emptied the bottle into my mouth, unsure of what to expect. The flavor was far more favorable, being slightly sweet but mostly neutral, with a faint tickle as it passed down my throat. "To socialized medicine," I proclaimed, setting the bottle down and reinserting the cork before picking up the next. Quickly I slammed the other three bottles, and lined them up with corks replaced, having paid little attention to their characteristics.
As the last phial came to rest on the table, Twilight asked, "So you don't have any qualms about... well, all of this?"
"Oh, I have a lot of qualms about the new world I find myself in, but those won't likely sink in until late tomorrow or the next day, seeing as I am still under culture shock from this whole ordeal," I said in reply.
"Ah, well that would explain your ease in talking and joking around with everypony so far," Twilight said, more thinking aloud than actually addressing anyone.
"Interesting response, ó- your predecessor, was rather quick to sink into depression after his arrival... Then again, you do possess a very different world view," Luna said, musing through her own thoughts. At this time there was a pop as a small puff of smoke appeared and dropped a scroll in front of Luna, who eyed it wearily.
Twilight looked at the scroll and noticed that Luna didn't pick it up. "It's from Celestia," she said.
"Indeed it is," Luna said with a smirk. "Hoyt, may I ask a favor?"
I cocked an eyebrow at her. "Sure, I guess, what is it?"
"I need you to open this letter," she said, pushing the scroll with a hoof so it rolled over to me.
It was my turn to look suspiciously at the rolled paper. I leaned back in my chair and looked again at Luna. "Her traps are almost exclusively triggered by magic, so you will be quite safe," she said assuringly.
"Alright," I said, cautiously picking the scroll up and inspecting its seal and ribbon. I slid the ribbon off one end and set it over one of the empty bottles, then I unrolled the surprisingly thick paper to find the very last thing I would have expected; inside the scroll was a picture of Luna, wearing black socks on each leg and laying almost seductively on a bed of silken sheets, reading a book through horn-rimmed glasses. The picture was taken from what would have to be the most suggestive angle possible, and held me captivated for a moment. "Um, huh," was all I could manage to say.
"Hmm? what is it then?" Luna asked as she rose and stepped around the table to my seat.
Suddenly I was gripped with the fear of a thirteen year old about to be caught with the porn stash by my mom. Reflexively I let the scroll re-roll itself and clutched it tightly before she could see, almost moving to hide it under the table before I realized what I was doing, and cautiously held the rolled paper out for her to take. "I think she anticipated your caution..." I managed to speak this time, as I was no longer being actively stunned by the picture.
Luna's eyes went wide as her face blushed a deep red. Her horn only just started to glow before she stopped herself and said, "Hoyt, if you don't mind, set the scroll down, and step to the far side of the room." She pointed a hoof across the room, and I went to the indicated location. As Luna backed away from the table, Twilight and Rarity followed her example. "Tia has a habit of getting pretty serious with her pranks," she noted, lowering her head to point her great horn at the suspicious scroll.
Just as her magic lit upon the scroll, it unraveled and the photo within began to glow with its own light, projecting the image like a hologram and making the table look to be the bed, so that all present could see the image of Luna wearing her crescent moon embroidered socks, full life size. Needless to say, all three ponies were shocked, I however was transfixed by the beautiful display that now revealed far more detail than the photograph had originally revealed, every soft curve and luminous feather along with the sparkling mane and tail. "Wow, your note must have pissed her off," Twilight said, breaking my trance.
Having returned to rational though, I turned my back on the pleasant view of Luna's rearward curves in the illusion, even though my position gave a nice view of her... cutie mark. Folding my hands together I listened, waiting to hear that it had been dismissed. "TARTARUS! That flaming nag! Ooh, she will see my wrath on the morrow!" Luna exclaimed, audibly furious and stamping her hooves. After a moment I heard her take a deep breath, and then her magic and the sound of the parchment being manipulated. Finally she sighed in exasperation and said, "Well, it seems that We shall be overseeing your introduction to the nobility tomorrow, Hoyt, and so an early rest is recommended for us both. Ugh, she does know how to be spiteful, doesn't she? Alright, shall we away to the chambers?"
It was agreed that bedtime had arrived, and so we all set of down the long hallways. Walking along with my ukulele hanging across my belly, I felt moved to play An Old Song, one well known around earth as 'The New-year's Song' even though it was almost never played past the first verse. It was the only song that I knew both the music and lyrics to, and I somehow managed to play through my surprise when Luna's beautiful voice filled the halls with the traditional words;
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
"For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne."
At this point Twilight joined in, staying true to the original words, rather than the more common modernized lyrics.
"And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
Rarity joined for the chorus, and left the princesses to sing the verses.
"We twa hae run about the breas,
CHORUS
We twa hae paidl'd i' the burn,
CHORUS
"And there's a hoof, my trusty fiere!
As the chorus came to a close and the song to an end, I felt my heart fluttering about, trying to climb up through my throat, and noticed my cheeks were more than a little moistened by tears. In spite of this, my cheeks were also starting to hurt a little from the force of the smile that had found itself on my face. Emotions tore violently at the core of my being, threatening to overwhelm me entirely, then I heard a sniffle from Luna. "Oh, oh my, it has been... so very long since last I heard that song," she said, sounding a bit choked-up. "And here are you chambers, Hoyt. I'll be back shortly, we, we will tak a cup o' kindness yet, for auld lang syne. "
Twilight and Rarity both announced their own intention to go ahead to bed, and I offered my own choked-up "G'night" as they went down the hall only a couple of doors down before disappearing through the doors to their own rooms. Shortly after stepping through the door indicated for myself, Luna appeared with a bottle and two glasses already full of a clear and sparkling liquid; true moonshine.
Author's Note
Hehe, so I kinda wanted to end the first arch, and make it a big finale... my tablet's word processor says this is just 9330 words, and I stopped because I really didn't want to go 5 digits on the word count, narrowly dodged that one, huh? 9950? wtf fimfic...
And yet again many thanks go to my proofreader Sneaky , be sure to go check out his stories, good reading to be found.