Chapters Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria
Part One, Death From Above!
“COMMUNIST ENGAGED! ”
The Lone Wanderer marched behind the massive shadow of “Liberty Prime”, the Brotherhood of Steel’s secret weapon. Several Knights and Paladins also followed the robot, its shadow keeping them safe from the wasteland’s scorching sun.
In all honesty, he was bored. The robot practically incinerated and dismembered everything that wore a suit of Enclave armor or refused to keep clear of its enormous feet, leaving little for the Wanderer, or anyone else in that matter, to do. Really, the Wanderer had been practically forced to walk all the way there, and with the three hundred pounds of equipment he insisted on carrying around... Actually, he didn’t know why he had all those things in the first place, had it really been that long since he had left the vault? He sighed and made a note on his Pip-boy to remind him to go drop all of his junk down the nearest cliff once this was over.
He watched in mild amusement as the upper half of an Enclave trooper achieved several meters of air, before falling on top of a rock with a loud crack. Five out of ten, he had seen better.
“COMMUNISM IS THE VERY DEFINITION OF FAILURE! ” Liberty spouted.
Liberty Prime continued to demolish the Enclave as it made its way to the Satellite Relay station. The air was filled with the guttural screams of the Enclave troopers being torn apart by Liberty’s dual head-mounted energy beams, and the occasional nuke.
He didn’t even know what they were supposed to be doing. Part of that was his fault, since he never actually bothered to listen to anyone. With a low grumble, he sat on a rock and watched as the robot punched a hole into the Satellite station. One of the enormous satellite dishes began to swivel, the rusty pre-apocalyptic engine groaning loudly at the effort.
“SATELLITE UPLINK DETECTED. ANALYSIS OF COMMUNIST TRANSMISSION, PENDING. ” An alarm began to echo through the valley, coming from Liberty Prime. “WARNING, WARNING. RED CHINESE ORBITAL STRIKE, INMINENT. ALL PERSONEL SHOULD REACH MINIMUM SAFE DISTANCE, IMMEDIATLY! ” The robot flung its arm backwards as it spoke, pointing away from the building. The Knights and Paladins of the brotherhood began to leg it, trying to get as far away from Prime as possible. Meanwhile, the Wanderer sat on his rock, completely unaware of what was happening.
A bright flash lit up his face, followed by several others. He stopped counting grains of sand and looked up. A cloud of dust surrounded the area around Liberty Prime and something could be heard dragging itself across the sand.
As the dust cleared, he saw the broken upper half of Liberty Prime crawling away from a crater almost pitifully. One of its arms was now nothing but a mess of cables and metal, while the other remained intact, the metallic hand clutching the hot sand as Liberty continued to drag itself.
“CATA-STROPHIC S-SYSTEM FAILUUU uure... INITIATING CORE SH-SHUTDOWN AS PER ... EMERGENCY INITIATIVE TWO-SIX-EIGHT-TWO-TWO-ZERO-NINE ... I- ... DIE SO THAT DE-MO-CRACY ... LI- ... LIVES ss...” Liberty Prime's head popped out of its socket and rolled along the sand a good few feet before reaching the feet of one of the Paladin's. Dark oil began to pour out the robot's body from where the head should have been, painting the sand nearby.
All of the members of the Brotherhood watched in awe as the robot spew out its last words. Some of them even took off their helmets, having trouble assimilating the fact that their ultimate weapon had been destroyed.
And the Wanderer? He was happy. Now that Liberty Prime was gone, he could finally do things himself.
First, there was pure whiteness, a place devoid from any life and anything else. Two figures appeared straight from nowhere. One was a tall man with flowing white hair and a beard to match. The other was much shorter, his hair and beard not white, but brown. Both of these men wore white robes and sandals.
“Father, was it really necessary to... end him like that?” the shorter one asked.
The other man scoffed, “Pfft, of course it was! I couldn’t just snatch him from there, it needed to be awesome. And besides, the game would’ve been boring if Liberty just did everything for you.”
“A... game?”
“Oh right, uh... Jesus, son, do you remember what I told you?”
Begrudgingly, Jesus sighed, “Never question God...”
God patted Jesus on the back, “Good boy...” He then rolled up one of his sleeves and stared at a wristwatch that was not there. “Three, two, one...” With a loud pop, a massive robot fazed into existence. It stood idly, its body moving as if it was breathing.
“Alright then, there he is.” The two men watched the robot in silence. All it did was the same breathing motion.
“Oh right, I forgot.” God mentioned, “This thing only has a fifty-four kilo-bit processor!” he said. Placing a finger on his chin he began to reconsider his options. A wild idea popped into his head, and he looked at Jesus, “Son, get me Steve Jobs.”
With a sigh, Jesus snapped his fingers. A dinky cloud of dust surrounded the appearance of a middle aged man holding a glass of wine and wearing nothing but a speedo. His skin was oily and on his back sat a pair of feathered wings and a tattoo of a half-eaten apple.
“-and so then I- HEY!” the man shouted.
God chuckled, “Sorry Stevie, but I need your help with this one.”
“What? Are you kidding me? You’re expecting me to help you after what you’ve done to me? You just plucked me out of my own heaven! And you killed me! I mean, I could have been hit by a car, but Pancreatic Cancer!? PC!? Seriously!?” God laughed hard while Steve Jobs continued his tantrum. He wiped a tear off of his eye and it fell into the white floor, where flowers and other types of lesser vegetation began to grow.
“Oh Steve, I never get tired of you! Now come on, I don’t have all eternity... Actually, I do, but that’s beside the point.” God wrapped his arm around Steve’s neck and pointed towards Liberty Prime. “You see that big robot over there?”
“Yes. Its hard to miss actually...”
“Right... I need you to make it sentient.”
Steve turned and looked at God, frowning. “What? Can’t you do that yourself?”
“Yes, yes I can, but I want to see what you can do. Now get to work, before I throw you back on earth and give you cancer again.” God lightly pushed Steve closer to the robot. Steve grumbled and unfurled his wings, flying circles around it.
“Alright, I have an idea...” he said as he took out an i-god from his speedo. “This should do it.” He flew around it until he came upon the robot’s equivalent to a pair of buttocks. With a light tap of Steve’s finger, the i-god lit up. Steve huffed and snapped his fingers, causing a small hatch to open. He looked at the device and shrugged, before ramming it into the hatch.
“YAUGH! ” Liberty Prime yelped and rubbed his back end. He looked around the white void that surrounded him, and then back down at the three men.
“... WHERE AM I? ”
God snapped his fingers, and Liberty Prime disappeared. He turned to look at Steve with a bright smile upon his face, “Alright, thank you Stevie!”
“Whatev-” before he could finish, God snapped his fingers and Steve Jobs disappeared as well. Now it was just him and Jesus standing in the never ending white void.
“So, where did you send him?” Jesus asked.
God chuckled, “To the magical land of Equestria, of course! They could use another one of those ‘crossover’ fanfiction thingies.”
Jesus sighed, “Never question God... ”
Applejack unstrapped herself from the small cart she used to haul apple's around the farm, and then toppled it over to unload all of the red fruit onto one of the many crates inside her barn. She wrapped her foreleg around her hat and took it off, using it to wipe a bead of sweat from her brow.
It was AppleBuck season once again. True, Big Macintosh was available this time, but it didn't make the work that much easier, even if she wouldn't admit it. Her muscles were sore and she felt hot... Maybe she could spare a couple minutes to go and fetch a cup of cold cider?
"....aaaaAAAAAAAPPLEEEJAAAAACK!!!!!!" She froze in place. The sound of Apple Bloom's frantic little hoofsteps faintly reached her ears, joined in by a high-pitched call for help. It took less than a second for her instincts to kick in, telling her to gallop out of the barn to protect her sister.
She got out of the barn and ran into her sister. Apple Bloom was panting and her eyes were wide, her coat dusty and her mane disheveled.
"What in tarnation is goin' on, Apple Bloom!? What happened?" she asked, looking over her sister and making sure she wasn't injured.
Apple Bloom flailed her hooves in the air, "Ah- The- Apple- Tree- Huge- thing!" she said in between breaths.
Applejack grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her, "Calm down!"
"Sis'! You gotta come see this!" Apple Bloom bit on to Applejack's hair and began dragging her towards the orchards.
"Ouch! Okay okay!" She got the filly to stop pulling her hair, and ran after her.
The two trekked through Sweet Apple Acres, heading towards something only Apple Bloom knew about. Applejack had to admit, it was somewhat tiresome to follow her, even in the physical condition that years of farm work had gifted her with. She briefly wondered what exactly it was that her sister got all riled up about, after all, the filly and her friends were known to over exaggerate things every now and again.
They approached an area of the orchard in which several trees looked like they had been blown back. "See! Here it is!" Applejack's jaw dropped. One the middle of the clearing was a crater in which lay an enormous machine made only of dark and somewhat rusty metal.
"What is this...?" Applejack slowly trotted towards the machine, leaving Apple Bloom behind. It was sprawled out on the crater, not doing any motion at all. She gingerly brought a hoof up and touched it.
"REBOOTING SYSTEMS! "
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria
Part Two, Liberty And Justice!
God stood next to a small orifice on the cloud floor, rubbing his hands together. He gazed down through it into the fruitful and rich expanse of “Sweet Apple Acres ”.
A smile spread across his face; it was all going just as planned.
“Oh this is gonna be so fucking rad!”
“REBOOTING SYSTEMS! ” the machine bellowed, its voice echoing throughout the orchard. It was extremely loud and sounded somewhat distorted.
Applejack and Apple Bloom stood in awe as it stood up, its rusty joints creaking loudly. The shadow it casted obscured both of the Ponies, who looked up into a single, bright blue slit that served as the machine’s eye.
“LIBERTY PRIME, IS ONLINE! ALL SYSTEMS: NOMINAL! WEAPONS: ON! MISSION: THE DESTRUCTION OF ANY AND ALL CHINESE COMMUNISTS! ”
Applejack gulped, wondering for a brief moment if it was reffering to her. The machine looked down at them from its towering perspective, making almost no motion.
“Apple Bloom, Run.”
At this, the filly shrieked at the top of her lungs and turned away from the machine, running as far as her little legs could carry her. Applejack, meanwhile, stood near the legs of the machine, her legs threatening to give up under her weight instead of getting her towards safety.
The machine kneeled down, shortening the distance between their heads. Applejack tried to run, only to have her path blocked by one of the machine’s metallic hands. She slowly turned towards it, cold sweat running down her face.
“PUNY QUADRUPEDAL CREATURE OF STRANGE PIGMENTATION, MY ANALYSIS INDICATES THAT YOU POSSES A WELL-DEVELOPED NEURAL SYSTEM! ARE YOU CAPABLE OF SAPIENT THOUGHT!? ” She could only give a quick nod at its question.
It brought its head closer to her, the heat radiating from its slit-like eye making even more sweat run down her face.
“DESIGNATING THREAT LEVEL... ”
She closed her eyes, and muttered a quick prayer to Celestia and Luna, preparing herself to meet her inevitable destiny... one that never came. She opened a single eye and looked back at the machine.
“... ADORABLE! ”
The metallic hand that blocked her from escaping wrapped its fingers around her. She yelped as the machine stood up while holding her.
“IT COMES WITH A HAT! A COWBOY’S HAT! IT OOZES OF DEMOCRACY! THIS MUST MEAN THAT YOUR CULTURE IS INFLUENCED BY AMERICA! ”
“... Huh? What’re ya’ talking about?”
“IT CAN TALK! SMALL EQUINE, YOUR NEW DESIGNATION SHALL BE... JUSTICE! ”
“B-but mah name’s A-Applejack...”
“JUSTICE, WILL YOU JOIN ME IN GLORIOUS COMMUNIST DESTRUCTION? ”
“Destruction? No!”
“I KNEW YOU WOULD AGREE! ”
The machine placed her on its shoulder. She took the chance and tried to jump off of it, but stopped herself from doing so when she saw just how high up she actually was, and instead wrapped her hooves around its head.
“L-Let me down!” It ignored her, and lifted one of its legs.
“Wait! NO!” With a deafening thud, the machine’s leg landed one of the apple trees, crushing it under its massive weight.
“You killed Leafy!”
“... Barklots, No! Please make it stop!” Applejack covered her eyes with her forelegs; she couldn’t bear to watch the massacre that was happening before her, not anymore. The machine had been stepping on every apple tree that had the misfortune of being on its path. They had been crushed, tramped, flatted, sending leaves, splinters and pieces of apples everywhere.
It was unfair, the poor trees stood no chance.
Finally, the machine broke away from the orchard. The ammount of destruction it had made left Applejack’s heart aching. She herself had planted many of those trees, and had seen them grow ever since she was a filly. But now they were gone...
But, at least, the rest were now safe...
She felt herself almost faint, flopping her body on top the machine’s cold head. It paid no mind to her and only kept walking. Darkness started to flood into her eyes and she felt her body become numb.
With a final sigh, she allowed herself to be taken by the embrace of unconsciousness.
Twilight cantered through the streets of ponyville, her hooves kicking off a little cloud of dust each time they hit the ground. Spike sat on her back, holding a quill on his claw and reading the list she had made for him.
“Quills... check. Extra quills... check. Backup extra quills... check.”
It was re-stocking day, not to be confused with re-shelving day. She had been cruising through Ponyville’s market since the morning, buying all of the supplies she needed for her library, wich would be then stored alphabetically and in order of most to less used.
Spike tucked the shopping list back into Twilight’s saddle bag. “Finally its done... Ugh, can we please eat something now? Its already lunch time.”
“Sure thing,” Twilight giggled, “but only because you’ve been so patient today.”
She turned around a corner and began heading towards one Ponyville’s many restaurants. It was the “Omelette Au Fromage”, the town’s most expensive and sophisticated restaurant. Even so the prices were still fair, unlike the establishments back in Canterlot. And she could also afford to spend a few extra bits, since she mostly subsisted on coffee, hay fries, ramen, pizza and sometimes paper. (Once she was in her study, trips to the kitchen were simply impossible)
They both picked a table on the outside of the restaurant and sat down on its respective chairs. Not long after, a well-groomed waiter with an exotic accent stopped by to take their orders. Twilight ordered the restaurant’s most popular dish: “Omelette Au Fromage” and a glass of water, while Spike asked for a portion of “Hay Fries A La Apple” and a can of orange soda.
“HEY GUYS!”
Twilight yelped as Pinkie Pie materialized from under the table. She fell out of the chair and clutched her chest with her hooves. She then looked up, breathing heavily, to see Pinkie Pie sitting on the other side of the table and Spike giving her a deadpan look.
“Pinkie... What the...”
“Twilight, I think you need to exercise more!” Pinkie giggled.
Twilight sat back down on her chair with a groan. She took a few more breaths to calm herself, and then looked back at Pinkie.
“... Are you calling me fat?”
“Oh no you silly-filly! You just have a high cholesterol level for sitting in your library all the time and having the diet of the average college student! Except that instead of being mildly malnourished like them you eat lots and lots of that stuff! And coffee, a lot of coffee! Did you know I once tried coffee and-” She was interrupted as her mouth was plugged by Twilight’s purple hoof.
“Okay, okay, I get it...”
The waiter came back, and placed their orders in front of them. Pinkie Pie was served a large milkshake, even though she had not ordered anything.
“So... Pinkie, what are you doing here?” Twilight asked as she took a bite off of her omelette.
“Oh nothing, I was just bored and...and...”
“Pinkie? Are you alright?” Twilight followed her pink friend’s gaze into her glass of water. She looked at it and noticed small waves spreading across the water’s surface at a steady rhythm. She looked at Spike, who gave her a shrug with his mouth full of food.
She continued to stare at the water; the ripples were now more defined, joined by a distant thumping that spread through the town. Twilight lifted her head and looked at Pinkie, who had torn her eyes off of the water and was looking at something behind the purple pony.
Everything seemed to happen in slow-motion for Twlight; First, Pinkie gave the longest gasp Twilight had ever seen, not entirely unlike when she first arrived to Ponyville, all while party pony’s jaw extended to impossible dimensions, breaking through the table and sending all of the food flying before hitting the ground. Pinkie then lifted one of her forelegs and pointed at something behind her friend.
Twilight spun around, catching a glimpse of Spike’s dumbstruck, food-smeared face. She saw Apple Bloom running past her, shrieking at the top of her lungs and many other Ponies doing the same. Their fear-laden screams alone were deafening.
On the horizon was the silhouette of a large bipedal being, slowly making its way into the town. Each of its steps shook the ground under her hooves and could be heard from hundreds of meters. She remained frozen in place as the thing lifted one of its enormous arms.
“FEAR NOT, SMALL EQUINES! DEMOCRACY IS TRUTH, LET IT COME TO YOU! ”
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria
Part Two, New Objectives!
Sitting upon heaven’s cloud floor was a large red couch; sitting on this couch was the divine figure of God, who was stuffing his face with doritos while staring at an enormous 100” flat screen 4D TV. The TV was displaying a handful of colourful Ponies.
A puff of red smoke appeared behind God, followed by the appearance of Satan, who was holding a six pack of beer in one hand and several bags of doritos in the other.
“Hey, how’s it going brah?” Satan asked.
“Oh, you know, God stuff. Giving people cancer and not bothering to fix anything. I wonder when they’ll get the message that I just don’t give two fucks.”
Satan chuckled. “Funniest part is that they think hell is where the bad people go.” He hen hopped onto the couch and sat next to God. “So, what’re we watching today?”
“I just sent a giant death robot to a world in which the concept of chaos is pink clouds that rain chocolate milk.” God said through a mouthful of doritos.
“Sheesh. Huh, who made that world anyways?”
God froze in mid-munch. “I... I actually don’t know.”
“Gah, let’s just see what happens.” Satan then cracked open a beer.
Twilight Sparkle stared up at the enormous machine that loomed over her. Cold sweat was running down her face and her legs were about to give up on her. The machine was made solely out of metal and had a single bright blue slit as an eye. On one of its shoulders lay the unconscious figure of Applejack, her tongue lolling out of her mouth and leaving a trail of saliva running down the machine’s body.
Pinkie Pie was still in the same position as before, her jaw extended far beyond possible measures and stuck on the ground. Next to her was Spike, whose face was smeared with food and was staring up at the machine as well.
Save for them, there was nopony else in the vicinity.
“SMALL EQUINE OF PURPLE PIGMENTATION! MY ANALYSIS INDICATES THAT YOU POSSESS AN ABNORMALLY HIGH LEVEL OF CHOLESTEROL AND SEVERAL POCKETS OF FAT IN YOUR BODY! YOU ALSO POSSESS POOR HYGIENE AND MEDIOCRE HAIR STYLE! YOUR RETINAL STATUS INDICATES THE NEED FOR GLASSES! ”
Twilight’s eyes and ears twitched.
“BY ALL MEANS, YOU ARE WHAT IS QUALIFIED AS A ‘NERD’, OR ‘INDIVIDUAL WITH HIGHER-THAN-NORMAL IQ’! IS THIS CORRECT!? ”
“Y-yes...” She smiled widely, despite being called fat.
“EXCELLENT! I AM IN NEED OF ACCURATE LOCATIONAL DATA! ”
“Uh... I see.” Twilight said as she wiped a bead of sweat from her brow. “Well, you’re in Equestria, or Ponyville, to be more exact. Allow me to introduce ourselves; my name is Twilight Sparkle,” she pointed at herself, “this here is Pinkie Pie,” she pointed a hoof at Pinkie, who was still in the same position, “this my my assistant, Spike,” she pointed at the food-covered dragon, “ and the Pony in your shoulder is Applejack-”
“APPLEJACK!? DO YOU MEAN ‘JUSTICE’!? ”
“Mah name’s Applejack!”
Everyone turned to see the farm Pony standing atop the machine’s shoulder, glaring angrily at its single eye. She then looked down at Twilight. “Hey! Help me get down from ‘ere!”
Twilight nodded and began to focus her magic around Applejack. She was about to bring her down when the machine wrapped one of its hands around her.
“NEGATIVE! ”
“Aw come on!”
Twilight pulled and pulled, but it was all wasted effort. The machine was not going to let go anytime soon. The machine then stomped the ground angrily, causing Pinkie Pie to tumble and fall to the side like a brick. It then lowered itself, looking right at Twilight.
“WHO IS YOUR LEADER!? ”
“L-Leader?” Twilight stuttered, “W-Well, we have two Princesses-”
“WHAT!?!?”
“Y-Yes, Princess Celes-stia a-and Princess Luna!” She smiled.
The machine stood upright again, holding Applejack in its hand. It gazed towards the mountain where Canterlot was.
“FEAR NOT, SMALL EQUINES. I, LIBERTY PRIME, WILL BRING THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT TO YOUR ALREADY PRECIOUS LAND, WHICH WILL MAKE IT EVEN MORE PRECIOUS! ”
“A-And that is?” asked Applejack.
"DEMOCRACY!"
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria!
Part Two: Marching Forward!
Allah appeared out of nowhere with an audible *Pop* sound. He walked over to where God and Satan where; sitting in front of an enormous 4D TV while munching on doritos and drinking beer.
“Hello guys!” he said, with a heavy arabic accent, “Am I late to the par-tay?”
God turned around, “Oh, hey Allah. How’s it going?”
“Like shit, bro. People are still killing themselves thinking that I will give them virgins and whatnot.” Allah sighed, “They always start crying when I tell them it was some bullshit myth, and then I just give them a bunch of white nerds as compensation.”
“Ouch.” said Satan.
“Well then, take a seat. Shit’s about to hit the fan down in Equestria.” said God, pointing at a nearby fan and a bucket of poo, as to be more literal.
Twilight watched as the gigantic machine walked towards Canterlot, ignoring Applejack’s calls for help. She remained in this state for a few minutes, before asking, “Spike, what the fuck just happened?”
“I’ve no idea.” Spike said, poking Pinkie Pie with one of his claws, causing her to tip over and fall to the ground. Pinkie’s jaw was still extended far beyond possible measures, and she was still in a frozen state.
“Well at least she’s not dead.” Spike mumbled, “Anyways, what do we do now?”
“I don’t know... I think... Spike, am I really fat-”
“Yes.”
“Hey!” Twilight looked at Spike, frowning, “You don’t need to be that blunt!”
“Fine...”
Twilight glared at Spike for a moment, then sighed, “We should go get the girls...” she said, walking over in the direction of Rarity’s boutique. Meanwhile, Spike too a hold of the frozen Pinkie Pie and began dragging her along.
“Help! Somepony!”
“JUSTICE! BE QUIET! ”
Liberty Prime kept walking along the road towards Canterlot, holding Applejack in his hand. No matter how hard she squirmed and yelled, it seemed that there was no immediate way to be free from the machine’s grasp.
Several hours passed, and Applejack was already tired. She had simply decided to hang limply from Liberty’s hand, but it did not stop her stomach from growling at her.
“I’m hungry....”
Liberty Prime suddenly stopped walking, and looked at Applejack. He then knelt down and extended his arm, holding Applejack near a patch of grass.
“EAT! ”
“Grass? Seriously?” Applejack looked up at Liberty with a defiant expression.
“HORSES EAT GRASS! YOU ARE A HORSE! ”
“Horse!?” Applejack was taken aback by Prime’s comment, “I’m not a horse, I’m a Pony!”
“A MINIATURE HORSE! ”
“PONY!”
“HORSE! ”
“PONY!”
“HORSE! ”
“Ugh, fine....” Applejack took a bite out of the grass and began chewing. Several servings of grass later, Liberty stood up and continued walking.
“So you’re saying, that a huge, bi-... pedal? Yeah, that a huge bipedal metal thing took Applejack, and is now heading to Canterlot to give us this ‘Democracy’ thing? What’s a ‘Democracy’?”
Rainbow Dash looked quizzically at Twilight, who had finished writing a letter and gave it to Spike, who exhaled a green flame and sent it over to Celestia. Nearby, Rarity and Fluttershy were poking Pinkie Pie, who after all this time, was still frozen in the same position.
“Yes, and I have no idea what a ‘Democracy’ is, so don’t ask.” Twilight looked over to the direction of Canterlot. “I just sent the Princess a warning and a request for a chariot, we should have nothing to worry about.”
“Are you sure? I mean, that thing was huge!” Spike exclaimed.
“Yes Spike, I’m sure. We are the elements of harmony, there is nothing we can’t accomplish!” Twilight struck a heroic pose, while a gentle breeze made her hair flutter.
“What does ‘Accomplish’ mean?” Asked Rainbow Dash.
“Ugh....” Twilight let her head hang down, “Let’s just wait for the chariot to arrive....”
“I hope Applejack’s okay...” Fluttershy whispered.
Meanwhile, inside Celestia’s room, a silver mist floated to one of the windows and materialized into a scroll. It was then carelessly thrown into a pile of similar scrolls.
“It must be another one of her friendship reports...” Celestia said, “I should really get to reading those.” The Princess rolled her eyes, finishing her cup of tea. “Anyways! Time for my chocolate bath.” She walked into her bathroom, closing the door behind her.
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria
Part Five, Liberation!
God was surrounded by all of the different gods from every single existing religion, even those from alternate universes, and Morgan Freeman. Nearby, he spotted the gods from the Elder Scrolls and several other parallel dimensions created by men that did nothing but to sit behind their desks and write stupid stuff like, say, fanfiction about ponies or something.
Everyone was watching the 100 inch 4D TV, which in turn displayed the point of view of a tall war machine that was holding a pony in one of its hands. This war machine’s point of view, as well as all of the events that were currently happening (Including God’s party), were currently being written by some asshole with a keyboard, and God was completely aware of that, which only made him even more angry.
“Stop writing about me and get to the good stuff you little shit,” said God.
Fine....
Liberty prime was currently walking up the path along the mountain, which he assumed to be the one path that lead to the city built into the mountain. In his right hand was Applejack, who had fallen asleep and was now leaving a trail of saliva down his fingers. He realized that the saliva would make his fingers rusty, so he quickly shook his hand to try and wake up the pony.
“JUSTICE NEVER SLEEPS! ”
“AHH!” Applejack screamed and squirmed. “Why’d you do that for!?”
“YOUR SALIVA WILL MAKE MY FINGERS RUSTY! ”
Applejack looked at Liberty’s fingers, more specifically, at the trail of saliva she had left. “Oh...”
“WE ARE NEARING THE COMMUNIST CASTLE! PREPARING TO INITIATE DIRECTIVE ZETA, ZERO, NINER! SPREAD DEMOCRACY! ”
“And what in the hay is a ‘democracy’?” Applejack asked.
“YOU WILL SEE, JUSTICE! SOON ENOUGH! ”
Once Liberty Prime finished walking up the mountain, he noticed that the city was surrounded by large walls, a ditch with water and alligators in it, and a wooden bridge that was currently raised and blocking the only way into the city.
He decided he would make a door instead.
Brass Dent was a happy pony; not only had he just been accepted into the Royal Guard, he was also given a house for his wife and daughter to live in. The paycheck was good, and all he had to was to walk around Canterlot’s streets and look cool. There was pretty much nothing else to do, since the crime rates were basically non-existent in all of Equestria.
He was walking near the gates to the city when he heard a loud , echoing voice from behind the wooden bridge that would usually be dropped down for other ponies to walk into the city. He also noticed that the guards who were in charge of lowering the bridge were galloping away from their posts. He guessed they just needed to use the bathroom.
The voice got louder as whatever it belonged to got closer to the city.
“MISSION: THE DESTRUCTION OF ANY AND ALL EQUINE COMMUNISTS! COMMUNISM WILL NEVER TRIUMPH OVER LIBERTY, JUSTICE, AND DEMOCRACY! ”
Loud thumps could be heard now as whatever was behind the bridge kept walking. Brass Dent remained standing still, unsure as to what to do. The manual of the Royal Guard never mentioned what to do in this case.
“OBSTRUCTION DETECTED! COMPOSITION: WOODEN PLANKS SUPPLEMENTED BY IRON SCREWS! PROBABILITY OF MISSION HINDERANCE... ZERO PERCENT! ”
“Wha-” Brass Dent was cut off as the bridge exploded with a bright and extremely loud explosion that left a mushroom cloud made of fire, making way for an enormous machine to simply step over the small river that surrounded the city and walk into Canterlot.
Brass Dent was too shocked to notice that the explosion had sent the bridge flying towards him. The last thing he saw was the wooden bridge hit him square in the face and encrusting him into a wall.
Liberty Prime walked into Canterlot, Applejack in hand. Every single pony was either running away from him or hiding inside buildings, but that didn’t matter, he had a castle to siege.
“Why did’ya do that for!? You could’ve hurt somepony!” Applejack exclaimed, looking at the destruction left by the nuke thrown by Liberty.
“COMMUNISTS HAVE NO RIGHTS! DEMOCRACY IS TRUTH, COMMUNISM IS DEATH! ”
He kept walking towards the castle, meeting absolutely no resistance whatsoever.
“TACTICAL ASSESSMENT: RED EQUINE VICTORY, IMPOSSIBLE! EMBRACE DEMOCRACY, OR YOU WILL BE ERADICATED! ”
Celestia was enjoying her chocolate bath. She casually licked her forelegs, enjoying the taste. The floor on her bathroom was littered with empty dishes that used to have slices of cake on them, and her stomach was rather large.
The Princess looked out the window in order to enjoy the view the had of the cityscape. She sighed contently, and then noticed that something was wrong. She saw ponies running in every direction, away from a huge bipedal machine that was heading towards the castle and holding a pony in its hand.
“THE PRINCESSES WILL FAIL, EQUESTRIA WILL FALL! ”
“Uh-oh....” She got up and ran out of the bathroom, still completely covered in chocolate. She only managed to gallop for a few seconds before the chocolate froze. She fell to the side like a statue.
“Hmph!” She ate the chocolate that covered her mouth, allowing her to breathe. She tried to move, but it was all wasted effort. She realized, that to save Equestria, she would have to eat her way out of her chocolate prison.
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria
Part Six, Stereotypes And Fruits!
God was sitting in his large, amazingly overused red couch, surrounded by empty cans of beer and staring at the large four-dimensional TV that the writer is incapable of describing, because the poor idiot is only capable of thinking in three dimensions. (I know, right? Deplorable)
With a soft “Poof” sound, a large mixture of a human and a banana appeared next to him. God looked at this strange creature, recognizing it as the god of one of the many parallel dimensions that his shithole of a world had.
“Hey God!” said the Banana God, waving one of his yellow hands at God. He then sat down next to him. “What are we watching today?”
“Some killer robot destroying the most peaceful dimension I could find.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” said Banana.
“N***a n***a n***a n***a n***a n***a n***a, I’m one hundred percent n***a- ” God’s I-God began to play a loud, incredibly and stupidly stereotypical song. He reached into his beard and brought the phone out, then placed it next to his ear.
“Yo... Fuck ‘em, and maybe give one of them cancer so they stop their muthafuckin’ prayers, I hate those things... Yeah?... Justin Bieber? By a car accident? Hell no, too many people hate him, and that’s hilarious. Okay, bye... What? Oh you son of a bitch! I specifically told you not to let anyone die today, specially suicides! You know what, send him here.”
God stuffed his phone back into his beard. With another *Poof*, a lanky teenager with emo hair, several piercings, eye liner and wearing a t-shirt that said “Brony” appeared in front of him. God stood up and slapped him in the face.
“Ow!”
“You idiot, why did you throw yourself off of that building?”
The teenager looked around, utterly scared, confused, and not sure whether or not her should be happy or sad. A silhouette of a hand was left on his face from the slap that God gave him.
“I-... I mean, I had no friends a-and nobody loved me and I thought that maybe if I died I would go to Equestria and-”
At that point, God stopped listening to the rest of the teenager’s ramblings. A wide smile spread across his face while he looked down at the scared emo kid. “Equestria, you say?”
“Ye-yes...”
God snapped his fingers, and the teenager disappeared with another poof.
Prince Blueblood was standing in the palace’s main hall, drinking a glass of Equestria’s finest wine while surrounded by several high-class ponies, just like him. He scanned the area, putting on his sexiest face. Several mares winked at him, stroking his ego. He smiled back at them, making them blush.
Abruptly, all of the conversations stopped, and everypony began to back away from the center of the hall, where a strange, hideous bipedal creature with a horrible sense of fashion was standing.
The creature sqeed in deligt, “I’m in Equestria! *Squee* I’m so gonna ship myself with Fluttershy!”
A loud thumping sound could be heard from outside, and everypony began to back away from the door, leaving the creature in the center while it continued talking to itself.
“And then I’ll be the hero of Equestria, just like in my fanfic!”
“OBSTRUCTION DETECTED! COMPISITION: IRON ALLOY SUPPLEMENTED BY GOLD HIGHLIGHTS! EQUINE BLOCKADE ATTEMPT: FUTILE! ”
“N-No... I can’t be... I’m in Liberty Prime invades- I mean, Saves Equestria!”
The door exploded and was sent flying into the castle. The creature’s last words were “Oh fuck me-” before it was crushed by the door.
It only took a couple seconds for Blueblood to soil himself.
Luna raced through the palace’s hallways towards Celestia’s room. She opened the door that lead to said room and was surprised to find Celestia with her lower half covered in hard chocolate, while squirming and trying to reach with her mouth in order to eat it.
“Celestia! What-”
“Hnng... Help...!”
Luna walked over to her and dropped to her knees. She then gave Celestia a sad look, “Do I...”
“Yes, I’m afraid that you have to...”
Luna gulped, looking at her sister’s lower half. She had to do this, for the safety of her country. She drew in a deep breath.
“FOR EQUESTRIA! ” she yelled, and then began to eat her sister out.
Out of her chocolate prison, you dirty fool.
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I mean, Saves Equestria
Part Seven, Virgins And Balls!
“-and then I showed them the ‘virgins’!”
All of the nearby gods, including God, laughed loudly at Allah’s story. God did not hear much, but it had something to do with two towers, and various incredibly brain damaged terrorists that went as far as crashing planes into buildings because they believed that killing themselves and a few other hundreds would get them laid with a bunch of virgins. The trick was that the virgins were actually male, of course. Like the author of this stupid story.
Shut up, God.
No.
*Sigh* Anyways...
“Meow.” God looked down at his feet, noticing that a small kitty was clinging onto his robe.
“You need something?”
“I REQUIRE SOULS TO SATISFY MY HUNGER! ” said the kitty god.
“Sure, one second.” God snapped his fingers, and a human male wearing pajamas appeared in front of him and the kitty.
“Wha- Huh? Is this heaven?” he asked.
God sighed, “Yeah. You fell asleep face-first on your pillow and suffocated while sleeping. You were scheduled for cancer anyways, testicular cancer.” He finished with a smile.
“W-What?” the man asked, before he started being consumed by the little cat god. He thrashed and screamed as he sucked into the mouth of the kitty.
“YOU HAVE MY THANKS! ”
“No problem,” said God. He turned around and looked back at the massive TV. “Let’s see how this is going.”
Celestia slowly stood up, shaking off some bits of chocolate that were still stuck to her coat. Nearby was a large, REALLY large ball with little stumps and a head- oh wait, that’s Luna. Nevermind then.
“I cannot believe we forgot you were allergic to chocolate,” said Celestia, shaking off the last bits of the brown delicacy off of her fur.
“Me neither,” said Luna, her voice squeaky as her mouth, tongue and throat were all swollen, as well as the rest of her body.
“Anyways!” Celestia said, adopting a serious tone and a militant stare. “I must save Equestria!” She then burst through the doors of her room out into the palace’s hallways, leaving the ball- sorry, Luna behind.
The Sun Princess galloped through the labyrinth of corridors that ran through the castle, heading towards its entry. Many servants gasped upon seeing her with such a decided look on her face, and mostly unable to believe that she was going that fast. (All that chocolate has to go somewhere)
She reached the main hall of the palace, were an enormous bipedal machine was standing, holding a pony on its hand, which kept yelling and trying to get out of the machine’s grasp. She also noticed her nephew, Prince Blueblood, cowering in a corner and weeping like a little foal.
“PRINCESS’ CELESTIA AND LUNA, SHOW YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY! ” the machine bellowed.
Celestia stopped in the middle of the hall, looking up into the machine’s single eye with a burning glare. “Fear not, my subjects! This evil machine will not beat me, for I am the Goddess of the Sun!”
Everyone on God’s heaven froze up, looking directly at the screen. An enormous piece male genitalia (The god of you-know-what) approached the TV and paused it, while the rest of the gods remained silent.
“Goddess of the Sun!?” one of the gods yelled. Instantly, everyone broke out into laughter, including banana, kitty and penis.
“Bitch thinks she’s a god! AAAHAHAHAA!”
“She ain’t even here, dawg!”
After the gods exhausted themselves out of pure laughter, they resumed watching the TV.
“IT DOES NOT MATTER! ” The machine pointed one of its metallic fingers at Celestia. “DEMOCRACY WILL TRIUMPH! YOUR REIGN OF OPPRESSION HAS COME TO AN END! ”
“HALT!” came a squeaky voice. Both Celestia, the machine and the pony in its hand looked at the stairs that led deeper into the palace. Standing, or rather, wobbling in place was Luna, who regarded the machine with the deepest frown she could manage, which was just barely visible because her face was swollen.
“You! Foul monster!” she yelled, “You will not- Eep!” Luna began bouncing down the stairs, squeaking like a toy after each bounce. She finally bounced against one of the machine’s legs, who did nothing more than to stare at her.
“CALCULATING... ADORABLENESS OVERLOAD! ”
Celestia stood dumbfounded as the machine reached down and grabbed Luna. Once it examined her, it squeezed her, causing the dark blue pony/ball to squeak.
Twilight sighed, looking out through one of the many windows lined on the sides of the train. The chariot never arrived, so she and her friends opted to take the train instead. They were about to reach Canterlot by now, and if the Princess did not respond to her letter, then she must have been doing something really important. Perhaps she had even stopped the machine already, who knew.
She sighed once again, and walked over to where the rest of her friends were sitting.
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean Saves Equestria
Part Nine: Liberation And Invasion!
Jesus sat alone in his sofa amidst a pack of clouds, watching the five-dimensional TV he owned. Suddenly and with a *POP* sound, his father appeared next to him. “What’re we watching today?” God said as he launched himself onto the couch, prompting the recoil of the cushions to launch Jesus into the heavens all the while he screamed like the hippie he is.
God grabbed a hold of the remote, switching channels. “Porn, porn, porn... interracial!? Ugh, damn those pesky asians. Anyways, porn, porn… Pony porn!” He sat upright and smiled like a little girl. “Shining Armor and Cadenza OTP!”
Shining Armor dispossessed of his sweat-laden armor, tossing it everywhere around his regal room while he gived his wife a sultry look, which she returned happily. Candence was covering her body with a towel on the other side of the room.
“Talk to me like a gangsta, shining!”
The mood went to hell.
“What.” He spurt out, scratching the back of his head. “Uh… Yo pink bitch…” Cadence moaned in ecstasy. “Gimme yo lil’ ass…!”
And then Cadence let the towel drop.
Shining’s eyes widened at the sight of… nothing. “Huh… I could’ve sworn you had-” was all he could say before being tackled by her and pinned down on the floor. The white stallion looked down at his crotch to see nothing. “Where the hell!?”
“I’m going to make sweet kissing to you!”
“No seriously, where did my dick go!?”
Just as they were going to embrace in sweet pony kissing, the author decided he was getting too close to a line he didn’t want to cross, and as such, the door to the two loverbirds’ chambers exploded open in a very convenient manner.
“Your highnesses!” the guard standing on the doorway yelled out. “I’m sorry to interrupt your special moment, but there’s a huge bipedal machine-... Wait.” He pointed at Shining Armor. “Where did your dick go, Sir?”
“I don’t know!”
“Anyways!” the guard blurted out. “It’s getting closer and-”
Silence.
“I said… “ The guard proceeded to repeat himself. “It’s getting closer…!”
“What the fuck are you waiting for!?” Cadence shouted. “Go there and defend the kingdom while we do our stuff!”
“But I don’t even have a-!”
The guard proceeded to step back onto the doorway, looking behind himself and yelling, “You’re supposed to kill me now for added comedic effect!”
“ACKNOWLEDGED!”
A flash of light and a distant explosion, before the guard was consumed in fire a la DBZ. “I’m finally freeeeeeeeeeee……!”
After a moment of silence and staring at the smoldering bones of a pony who had been brutally murdered, Shining muttered, “What the fuck is going on…” Before a massive, metallic fist uppercutted through the floor, followed by the head of King Liberty Prime bursting out through the floor in an entirely different spot.
“DEMOCRACY!”
“It’s here! It’s now! ” the announcer said as they went onto a commercial break. “Liberty Prime is back! Only on the BUH!”
God squealed like a pussy. “I can’t wait for the humans to make porn of this!”
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean Saves Equestria
Part Ten: Democraship!
“Syria!?” God shouted into his iGod. “What the fuck is a Syria?”
“It is the coontry deh amurricans are sendin’ war to!”
God spent a second organizing his thoughts in silence. “Oh… right. Well, you see, Allah, I need new videogames to play and new movies to watch, so I kinda messed with your stuff and made the Syrians have the GREAT idea of using chemical weapons!”
“But they doodn’t actally use them!”
“Ah, you see,” God grinned. “Sneaky shit right there, ‘cause ever since 9/11, which was funny as fuck, I signed a contract which said I can’t mess with your believers.” He stretched his legs. “So you see, I kinda sneaked around that and took a big shit in Syria, which the dumb humans consider chemical weapons. So, shit happened, and people will make movies and videogames out of this, which is awesome!”
“...”
“You gonna share?”
“Of course, Allah!” God stood up. “You’re my best friend! I’ll make sure the content gets to your heaven. Also, you should drop by. Liberty Prime’s fucking up the ponyverse again! I swear, I had to give the guy who made the story schizophrenia just to make him write more of this shit. Now it’s all over the multiverse!”
“And it’s only on the BUH!”
Inside the Royal Amerilot castle, Liberty Prime sat in his massive throne made out of communist corpses while wearing a crown made of nukes. On his shoulder was Applejack, on his right hand was a puffy Luna, which he squeezed constantly, and sitting on another throne next to his was his wife Celestia. He listened intently to a badly drawn pony as he was holding an audience with unhappy people. Boring shit.
“And uh, I don’t have coins to buy a house, and uh, I’m not very happy is all…”
“ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH DEMOCRACY!?”
“No! Please no…” the pony muttered, shedding some tears of sadness.
Liberty Prime’s eye turned red. “WHAT YOU NEED IS… JUSTICE!”
“Yes, Justice for all!” the pony giggled in happiness. It seemed as if he was going to change the world for good.
Not really.
With a swift motion of his left hand, Liberty Prime grabbed a firm grip of Applejack, prompting a squeaky sound out of her. She squeezed out the words, “Please, not again…”
Liberty Prime stood up while Celestia cried in laughter. “JUSTICE! I SUMMON YOU!” he yelled out as he launched Applejack at the unhappy pony, causing a miniature nuclear reaction.
They each watched as the smoke dissipated, revealing Applejack, now stuck head-first onto the floor. “Next!” Celestia yelled out.
Twilight Sparkle approached the throne. “Hello there, King!” She smiled awkwardly, hoping that she would not get killed while at it.
“Oh great, it’s Twilight…” Celestia sighed.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT!?”
“I just, uh…” Twilight muttered. “It’s just come to my attention that you don’t know about the values of friendship!”
“FRIENDSHIP!?” Liberty Prime leaned down and grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her neck. Applejack was still stuck on the ground nearby. “THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A COMMUNIST WOULD SAY!” He brought her closer to his face. “ARE YOU A COMMUNIST!?”
“Nonono!” Twilight squealed while she kicked the air in panic. “It’s just one of the good things we have before you fucked- I mean, saved us all!”
“I SEE…! WHERE CAN I GET SOME OF THIS FRIENDSHIP!?”
“Oh! I uh…” Twilight facehooved.
Queen Celestia snickered. “You can always go back to Ponyville and have Twilight and her friends teach you about it.”
“Aaah!” Twilight screamed as she was dropped to the floor. Liberty Prime stood upright again.
“I SHALL GO TO PONYVILLE AND LEARN ABOUT FRIENDSHIP!” He began to stomp out of the castle, screams of panic coming out of everywhere. “I SHALL ALSO NAME IT… DEMOCRASHIP!” he yelled out as he stepped through a building, killing dozens.
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Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Deities And Romance! (Collab With RainbowBob)
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean Saves Equestria
Part Eleven: Deities and Romance! (Collab With RainbowBob )
“Hey, God, get off your fat fucking ass and get out here!” a voice shouted from beyond the gates of Heaven, while also repeatedly buzzing the doorbell obnoxiously.
Meanwhile, the holy entity that was God almighty was too busy rocking out to eight-dimensional music that you, the reader, will never understand… neither will I. Anyways! Once he finally heard the doorbell, he stood up and walked over to the gates of heaven. “Vanu damnit… Where’s that fucker that keeps the gate… Told him to forward everyone to hell while I take a break.”
The annoying ringer of Heaven’s equally annoying doorbell was none other than Fausticorn. Otherwise known as ‘that one pony bitch’. Her coat shimmered with a splendid white and her mane fell down her sides in a majestic river of hair. But that was pretty much where the beauty ended, for boy did she ever look pissed at God. “Took you long enough. Bet you’d be here quicker if some girl scouts were here to sell you cookies to stuff you fat face with.”
“Oh shut the fuck up,” God spat. “Besides, girl scouts don’t go to heaven anymore… I don’t know why.” He scratched his beard. “Oh… right. Jesus did something with a few of them… But I won’t share that.” He slammed the gates closed, into Fausticorn’s face, leaving her face stuck in the metallic panel, providing a very angry-looking pony dent on the other side. God, meanwhile, walked over to his computer, whistling to himself.
“Hold it right there, lardbutt!” Fausticorn shouted, her horn glowing in a heavenly light. In an instance she had teleported past the gates and into God’s domain, which typically smelled like the inside of a frat house. “I’m not leaving until you get that thing that’s rampaging in Equestria out of my lands!” she scolded him, frowning disappointedly at Him.
“Oh come on!” God sighed. “It’s funny!” he cried out. “It’s not my fault that you’ve no sense of humor. Besides, your domain spawned out of my domain, so.” He snapped his fingers, prompting a large roll of paper to spawn out of nowhere and unroll itself. “By law, I own you. Sure, I shouldn’t be doing much to your empire, but when you see a place filled with technicolor horses that believe in ‘friendship’, you just see a recipe to fuck shit up. So I did it.” He tossed the contract at Fausticorn’s face.
“This… this is bullshit!” she protested, throwing the contract on the fluffy cloud floor and stomping on it. “You’ve gone mad with power and boredom! Your giant robot is going to tear my world apart!”
“Implying the robot didn’t do that already.” He turned around to face the pony. “Implying I give a shit.” He looked her in the eyes. “Implying your world isn’t gonna survive anyways.” He opened another hole in the clouds, looking down at the human Earth. “You’ve any idea of how many times I’ve tried to annihilate this piece of shit world? It just never happens!” God then looked back up at Faust and took a few steps towards her, whispering, “There are greater things out there than you and I…”
“Wait, I thought you were God? The God! What can possibly be greater than you?” she asked, wincing at his raunchy pizza breath.
“We’re all slaves to fanfics here…” he muttered. “And this… this scene just took a turn for the romance.”
“... Why are my wings suddenly rigid and my nether’s inflamed with passion?”
And then they banged.
Pinkie Pie continued to run on the opposite direction the massive crowd of ponies were taking. Her smile was as wide as a vinyl record, looking up into the sky and into the single eye of a massive war machine that was stomping through Ponyville. Her small rodent brain processed the only possible course of action… to sing and dance a stupid-ass musical number in order to give enough time for everypony to escape the town.
Much like a rodent and other such vermin, the pink mare was notoriously hard to kill. From the debris that fell from overhead and the lasers creating fiery pathways in the town, Pinkie avoided all of this as she continued to sing like a twit and bounce like a mentally retarded bouncy ball.
Once she got within a not-so-reasonable distance of the machine, she skidded to a stop and stood in her back legs, then proceeded to sing. “Aahhh, when you’re killin’ and you’re burnin’-” she managed to get out before being stomped on.
Liberty Prime fist pumped the air, firing off more lasers in the crowd to celebrate.
Note: I forced RainbowBob to write this chapter with me.
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean, Saves Equestria
Liberty Prime Invades- I Mean Saves Equestria
Part Eight, Hail To The King, Baby!
God was deep into the atmosphere of the video game he was playing on his PC. He used to have a Mac, but he realized it was a piece of shit, hence the death of Steve Jobs. Nevertheless, he was enjoying himself, and was even near the ending of said game.
“Yeah! I finished it- Wait, what the fucking fuck?” he stood up, his face showing pure anger. “What kind of ending is this!? By my mighty ass, this sucked!” he yelled, then flipped the desk over in a fit of anger.
The god of all gods reached into his beard and pulled out his Android phone, because iphones suck (Damn hipsters). He dialed a number and brought it to one of his ears, waiting for someone to answer.
“Hello? Yeah, it’s me, God,” he said. “Schedule Gabe Newell for diabeetus, brain cancer, a heart attack, and a car crash ASAP.... Yes, I’m sure. It was funny with Mass Effect, but come on! I loved half life! And yeah, the fat bastard had it coming anyways. And make sure everyone gives a shit... Also, give the entire development team cancer.... Alright, talk to ya’ later.”
He stuffed his phone back into his beard, sighing, “I better make damn sure that Doom Four is good...” God snapped his fingers and a couch popped into existence, along with a TV. He walked over to it and sat down.
“Let’s see how Equestria is doing...”
With a dumbfounded expression, Celestia watched as the enormous machine continuously squished her ball of a sister, Luna. What was this machine anyways? What did it want? And why was it squeezing her sister? She had to admit it though, it was kinda funny.
“Unhand me- SQUEAK! You ruffian! SQUEAK!”
Celestia shook her head to clear her thoughts, and stepped closer to the machine. She wondered if it could survive a direct hit from a solar beam. Well, it wasn’t like it was overpowered or anything, so it probably wouldn’t.
Just as she began to charge up her horn, a rustle came from the downed door that had been blown up by the machine. Everyone’s attention turned to it, and suddenly, a blast sent the door flying to the other side of the room, squashing a nearby pony who was cleaning the floor.
“Aha! Did you really thought you could defeat me so easily!?” came a voice from the source of the explosion. As the smoke cleared, Celestia distinguished the shape of a tall, male alicorn with a black coat and a red mane, including several blue stripes along his body.
He was so fucking hot.
“Who is that?” a nearby guard whispered.
Celestia’s eyes widened, not because of how hot this new stallion was, but because she had absolutely no idea of who he was. He seemed to be about to answer that question, so let’s move on...
“I am Prince CrimsonWing Darkblood Ravenclaw Echo Griffin of Equestria! Son of Luna and husband of Twilight Sparkle!”
“But I’m a virgin...” Luna muttered, still held in the hand of the machine, who turned to Prince Crimsonwing Darkblood Ravenclaw Echo Griffin of Equestria in a calm manner, its feet thundering against the floor.
“I have defeated countless armies and gods! You are but a mere-”
“COMMUNIST DETECTED ON NEW AMERICAN SOIL! LETHAL FORCE ENGAGED! ” the machine yelled, before shooting a laser beam out of its eye and turning Prince Crimsonwing Darkblood Ravenclaw Echo Griffin of Equestria into a mess of limbs and gore. A lot of gore.
Silence reigned. The machine slowly turned back to Celestia, and its eye began to glow again.
“Wait!” she yelled. “Can’t we work this out?” she dropped onto the floor, pleading. “I will give you anything you want! I will suck your big, metallic pe-!”
“YOU AND YOUR SISTER WILL BOTH STEP DOWN FROM THE THRONE, AND MAKE WAY FOR A NEW, BRIGHT, DEMOCRATIC FUTURE! ”
Gingerly, Celestia stood back up, all eyes locked onto her. “O-Okay... Can I do it anyways?” she asked, blushing.
“NEW AMERICAN CITIZENS! ” the machine said, ignoring her. “I, LIBERTY PRIME, AM HONORED TO SAY THAT YOU. ARE. LIBERATED! ”
Silence... and crickets.
One pony stood up, grinning. “All hail Liberty Prime, King of New America!” Soon, other ponies joined, yelling, “ALL HAIL LIBERTY PRIME, KING OF NEW AMERICA!”
As a massive crowd began to gather around the machine, Luna shot a burning glare at her sister.
Celestia shrugged. “Oops...”
***
