Chapters Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 1: Why is Sunset Sticky?
Greatly anticipating what was in store for this game, I reached for the stack of freshly printed black cards and took the top one in my right hand. "What's the gift that keeps on giving?" I asked, officially beginning what I assumed was the first ever game of Cards Against Equinity to be played.
Like before, it took about a minute for everypony to look over their options and pick the best card they had.
"I think this might make too much sense to work," Sunset said as she slid her card over to me.
"Oh, wow, this is gonna be so disgusting..." Shining said, chuckling as he floated his choice over to me.
Soon, I had six brand new white cards in front of me, and as everypony replenished their supply, I began to read them. "What's the gift that keeps on giving? Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks."
"Shoot, now you've got me hungry!" Sunset said.
"A.K. Yearling's delicious asshole."
"Ewww!!!" Pinkie exclaimed, keeping her tongue out of her mouth for a period of time.
"Enormous Fillydelphian mares."
"Hahaha!" Shining laughed out loud, "What??"
"Saying 'I love you'. Awww... Drinking responsibly. I guess so. A sex goblin with a carnival penis. Maybe for some ponies, but I'm gonna go with unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks, 'cause I really love food."
"Wheee!!!" Pinkie cheered, snatching her Awesome Point from me.
Sunset Shimmer was sitting to my left, so it was now her turn to be the Card Czar. "Okay," she began, closing her eyes for a moment. I couldn't tell what she was doing, but my question was answered as she slowly got her horn to power up and take the next card. I figured she would have already practiced some basic levitation in the time between her coming back through the portal and now.
"Why am I sticky?" Sunset asked.
"I could think of plenty of reasons..." I replied.
"Hey!" she playfully jerked back in reply.
"Haha...Relax. Mine's a throwaway, anyway."
"Oh, alright," the unicorn replied, only now noticing that the six white cards had gotten to her rather quickly. "Why am I sticky?" she asked again, "Gladitorial combat. Nah." She immediately tossed the card aside. "Hot cheese."
"Wait, wouldn't you be more burnt than sticky?" Shining asked.
"I guess so," Sunset replied, "Anyway, a bigger, blacker dick."
"Ha!" Pinkie and I laughed in unison. Starlight also stifled a few giggles of her own.
"Falling into the toilet."
"How unpleasant..." Maud flatly remarked, briefly glancing at her white cards.
"Changeling cum. Well, I guess if you're that desperate, then yes. Having sex on top of a pizza. Gross, but it makes sense." The unicorn then took some time to review her options. "Wow...Ummm...I can't really decide. Am I allowed to just pick one at random without knowing what I'm picking?"
"Sure, go right ahead," I replied.
"Thanks," Sunset finished. She then levitated the remaining five cards and mixed them up before bringing them down again. "Okay," she began again, "Why am I sticky?" She then placed one random card down on the table. "Falling into the toilet."
"Yes! The Great and Powerful Trixie has prevailed!" Trixie proclaimed. We all stared at her for a few seconds. "Oh, umm..." she continued, looking a little guilty, "I mean, that was mine, thank you."
As Trixie floated her card over to herself, Starlight took the next black card in her magic and read it aloud. "_____. Three seconds later, _____. Boy. That escalated quickly." I was surprised that Twilight had ultimately decided to use 'boy' in the context of that card. I figured she would have used something else.
"Okay, everypony," I said, "This is a 'Pick 2' card. Place the card you want to use in the first blank face-down, and then put the card you want to use for the second blank face-down on top of it." I had already chosen two cards from my hand, so I used them to demonstrate what I meant. They all seemed to take the hint, and before long, Starlight had twelve white cards in front of her.
"Okay," the light lavender unicorn said, "A fortuitous turnip harvest. Three seconds later, demonic possession. Boy. That escalated quickly."
I then glanced at Sunset. She rolled her eyes at me, and I assumed she knew what I was implying.
"Wearing glasses and sounding smart," Starlight continued, "Three seconds later, teenage pregnancy. Boy. That escalated quickly."
"It sure did..." Sunset said before cringing.
"Frolicking. Three seconds later, seeing my village burned and my family slaughtered before my eyes. Boy. That escalated quickly."
"That's rather...sad," Trixie slowly said.
"Breaking out into song and dance. Three seconds later, natural selection. Boy. That escalated quickly. Hmmm... Not quickly enough. Agriculture. Three seconds later, a brain tumor. Boy. That escalated quickly."
"Those must have been some potent plants..." Maud said.
"Sunshine and rainbows. Three seconds later, dead foals."
There was a long silence. Starlight didn't even finish reading the card.
"That...sure did escalate quickly..." I said.
"Awww...I wanna cry..." Pinkie said, sadly.
"Hmmm..." Starlight continued, "A few of these worked pretty well, but I think I'll go with the frolicking combo."
"That's me!" Sunset happily replied, using a hoof to move her Awesome Point away from the pony to her left.
I then heard Trixie clear her throat as she took the next black card from the stack. "Ahem. I have a strict policy. First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, _____."
I instantly saw a card in my hand that was short, but it worked so well. I passed it across the table to Trixie, and the others did the same thing, as well.
"Okay," Trixie continued, "I have a strict policy. First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, elderly Neighponese stallions."
"Boy," Sunset said, "That has too many possibilities for an ending."
"First date, dinner. Second date, kiss. Third date, the Power Ponies Holiday Special."
"Oh, man..." I said, lowering my head. Contrary to popular belief, there was in fact a Power Ponies holiday special that was subpar to all the other movies.
"Third date, bullshit." This got most of us laughing, but Maud simply kept her stare fixed on the Card Czar. "Third date, bingeing and purging. Ewww...Absolutely not. Third date, my collection of high-tech sex toys."
"Nice!" Starlight commented.
"Third date, not contributing to society in any meaningful way. Trixie doesn't think so. Who had bullshit?"
"I did!" I replied, reaching my hand out. Trixie then used her great and powerful telekinetic abilities to give me my Awesome Point.
Shining Armor then took a deep breath. "Whooo..." he said while exhaling, "Here we go." He then used his magic to draw the next black card. "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it _____?"
"Hey, man, I'm gonna apologize in advance," I said as I passed my card to the stallion. He raised an eyebrow, but that was it.
As the others passed their cards in, I realized it was a little funny that Shining's own sister had drawn that same card in the first round when we played back at my house.
"Alright," Shining continued, "Why won't you make love to me anymore? Is it my genitals?" This got nearly every single one of us laughing really loudly. Even Maud cracked a light smile. "Is it a disappointing birthday party?"
"I think that's a good reason," Pinkie said.
"Is it a web of lies?"
"That, too," Starlight said.
"Is it being a dragon?"
"Ha!" I laughed, "Imagine if Rarity was here!" This got Pinkie laughing again.
"Is it..." the stallion paused as he stared at the white card in his magic. "...a bloody pacifier?" Nearly all of us cringed at that, while Maud turned her head slightly away from the stallion.
"Like I said, I apologize in advance..." I said, admitting that that was my card.
Shining gave a single chuckle and smiled. "Don't worry about it," he said, "I'm not upset. Anyway, is it not believing in giraffes?"
"I think we all know who'd consider that a plausible reason for not wanting to get it on..." I said.
"Let's see...My genitals was pretty hilarious. Who had that?"
"MEEE!!!" Pinkie exclaimed, eagerly reaching for the card.
As Pinkie received her Awesome Point, Maud took the next card. I had no idea what to expect with her being the Card Czar, but one thing I knew for certain was that she wasn't going to laugh or anything like that, making the waiting time for her picking a winner even more suspenseful.
"When you get right down to it," Maud began, "_____ is just _____."
"Mine's a throwaway," Sunset admitted as she floated her two cards over to the grey earth pony. As for me, the two cards I had chosen had a rather slim chance of winning.
Soon, Maud was ready to read off the cards. "When you get right down to it," she continued, "Jizz is just a reason not to commit suicide."
"What??" Trixie asked.
"Hahaha!" Sunset giggled.
"When you get right down to it, when you fart and a little bit comes out is just butt stuff. You're right. It is. When you get right down to it, existing is just active listening. I don't think so. When you get right down to it, ejaculating inside another stallion's wife is just the true meaning of Hearth's Warming."
"Uhhh..." Starlight began, "Really?"
"When you get right down to it, grave robbing is just mutually assured destruction. I suppose, since you're causing destruction to a grave. When you get right down to it, almost giving money to a homeless pony is just sweet, sweet vengeance."
"You know," Shining began, "If you actually know the pony really well, that's pretty dark."
"You're right," Maud replied, "I'm going with the fart and butt stuff."
"Yay! 2 in a row!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Are you serious??" I asked the pink mare, "How are you getting all the good cards??"
"I don't know!" she replied, "But who cares! Now I'm the Card Czar!" She then picked up the next card and read it aloud. "The five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, _____, Acceptance."
"This one again? Alright..." I trailed off. I immediately regretted saying that, as I soon saw a card in my hand that seemed like the perfect placement.
As Trixie floated her choice to the pink pony to my right, she said, "Trixie thinks you will all find this rather hilarious."
"We'll see about that, Trixie..." Pinkie continued as the last of the cards appeared in front of her, "Anyway, the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Court-ordered rehab, Acceptance. Meh...Maybe. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Blowing some dudes in an alley, Acceptance."
"Yeesh..." Sunset quietly said.
"Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Swapping bodies with mom for a day, Acceptance."
"What???" Trixie exclaimed while Sunset, Pinkie, Starlight, and I burst into a huge fit of giggles.
Once she regained her composure, Pinkie said, "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Urinating out of a 50-story window, Acceptance."
"HAHAHA!!!" Shining laughed, "Who does that??"
"Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Being fat and stupid, Acceptance. Hmmm...I guess that could work. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Drinking alone, Acceptance."
"OOOOOOOO..." came the voices of several of us.
"Yeah...I think that one is the closest one here to depression. Who had this last one?"
"Me!" Sunset replied, taking the card in her magic and bringing it to where her other Awesome Point was.
"Well, guys, that's the end of round one. How about we take 10 and then keep going?"
"Fine by me," Starlight replied.
"My sediments exactly," Trixie responded, "Trixie needs to use the little filly's room right about now."
"Not unless I beat you there!" Pinkie competitively exclaimed before speeding out of the room.
"Hey!" Trixie shouted as she ran after the party pony. I couldn't help but laugh.
Author's Note
I apologize if this chapter seemed a bit lacking in words, but with Discord not playing, there's a lot less going on.
In the meantime, the first round has concluded, and here are the scores:
Me: 1
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Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 2: What's with all the "Pick 2" cards?!?
After a short, 10-minute hiatus full of bathroom breaks, random conversations with various ponies I had just met, and sharing Cards Against Humanity stories from Earth, everyone returned to Twilight's dining room table to begin round 2. Little did I know that a few of us were about to get really, really frustrated.
I soon took the next black card and read it out loud. "You know," I began, "Once you get past _____, _____ ain't so bad." I was a little annoyed that I had drawn a card used by Discord late during the last game, but given all the different cards that could be involved this time around, I was looking forward to seeing what I was going to read.
"Mine's a throwaway," Maud blankly said, "None of my cards are really that great."
"Yyyyyyeahhh...not sure if mine's gonna work, either," Shining said.
"Alright, everypony ready?" I soon asked. They all nodded, so got right into reading what they had given me. "You know, once you get past mares in yogurt advertisements, Countess Coloratura ain't so bad. What??" I asked in confusion. Some of the others, however, got a small laugh out of the ridiculousness. "You know, once you get past a cooler full of organs, a plunger to the face ain't so bad."
"Well, then..." Sunset said, "That...kinda works?"
"You know, once you get past the eight gay warlocks that dictate the rules of fashion, exploding pigeons ain't so bad."
"Awww...Really?" Pinkie sadly asked.
"You know, once you get past owls, the perfect predator, the color "puce" ain't so bad. Nah. Once you get past hoofing, doin' it it the butt ain't so bad. Ha! Nice! Once you get past a pile of squirming bodies, a fetus ain't so bad. Uhhh...No. Who had hoofing and doin' it in the butt?"
"I did!" Sunset replied. I then took the liberty of sliding her Awesome Point over to her while she took the next black card in her magic. Once it was in front of her face, she said, "_____ is a slippery slope that leads to _____."
"Hmmm..." Starlight began, "Mine works, but I'm not sure it's all that great."
"Well, mine's one that I think females will get more than males," I said as I slid my two cards to Sunset.
"Same here," Maud flatly replied to my statement.
"Well, then..." Sunset said again, "I guess I'm in for a show. Anyway, the size of my penis is a slippery slope that leads to that ass. Well, I wouldn't call that a slippery slope unless you're homosexual."
"Good call," Shining replied.
"A defective condom is a slippery slope that leads to not having sex."
"Ah!" I said, pointing a finger upwards, "Smart move!"
"Free samples are a slippery slope that lead to a fart. Must've been some really powerful broccoli or something like that. Anyway, hot ponies are a slippery slope that lead to crying and shitting and eating spaghetti."
Both Starlight and Trixie cringed at what the yellow unicorn had just said.
"Ewww!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Yeah. This would have worked better if ice cream was involved instead of spaghetti. Okay, spending lots of money is a slippery slope that leads to a bitch slap."
"Ha!" Shining laughed.
"And finally, dick hooves are a slippery slope that lead to...pixelated bukkake."
There was a brief silence before anyone spoke again.
"Wait," I began, "How could anypony walk if they had dick hooves?"
"You're right," Sunset continued as she pushed that combo aside, "Let's see...A lot of these were really funny. Is there anyway I can pick one at random?"
"Just take the first card of each combo and randomize them," I said.
"That sounds like it could work. Thanks!" Sunset replied as she did what I suggested. Once she had randomized the five remaining necessary cards, she placed one of them face-up on the table. "A defective condom."
"Yay! That's me!" Pinkie cheered. Personally, I didn't think hers deserved to win, but then again, I wasn't Sunset Shimmer.
Once the party pony received her card, Starlight took the next one from the pile. "Wow," she began, "We're getting a lot of these 'Pick 2' cards. _____: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for _____!"
"Again?" I asked out of slight frustration. I was hoping that we'd have a card in which we would only have to play one white card, plus the only combo I had for this card was way too sad to win.
"Mine's a throwaway," Pinkie said, not looking too happy.
"Mine's too upsetting," Sunset confessed.
"Mine, too," Maud responded. I was surprised that two other players were in the same predicament as I was.
"Okay, let's go," Starlight said once she had received all 12 cards, "A box without hinges, key, or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for boxing up my feeling. Yeah, that works. Sexual humiliation: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for self-flagellation. I think not. Hospice care. Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for...foals with ass cancer..."
"Aw, geez..." I groaned, "Really?"
"Masturbation: Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for homeless ponies."
"Wow, that's...that's just sad," Shining said.
"Trixie agrees with you, Prince Shining..." Trixie hesitantly replied, my instincts telling me she wasn't too happy with what Starlight had just said.
"Cancer. Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for...cool...relatable...cancer teens..."
Pinkie's mane deflated upon hearing that. She didn't say a word, as her face clearly showed how she felt.
"Blood farts. Hours of fun. Easy to use. Perfect for fucking up "The Heart Carol" in front of 300 parents!"
"Hahaha!" I laughed while clapping, "At least we ended on a funny note!"
"I agree!" Starlight replied, "Who had that one?"
"Finally!" Shining said, "That one's mine!"
"Nice one!" I replied to the stallion. I thought his combo was absolutely hilarious. Blood farts would be a very unusual, yet very effective, way to screw up a vocal recital.
Right as Trixie took the next card in her magic, her facial expression turned to one of high annoyance. "Ugh...Really?? Another one??" she asked.
"You're kidding..." I grumbled.
"No. The Great and Powerful Trixie does not kid around. Well, if _____ is good enough for _____, it's good enough for me."
Aside from myself, it seemed that Sunset, Pinkie, and Starlight were all a bit flustered with the streak of 'Pick 2' cards. Plus, I had no decent combo for this one. "Mine's a throwaway," I said, passing my cards to Trixie.
"Mine doesn't work too well, either," Pinkie mentioned.
"Okay, let's begin," Trixie said once she received the eleventh and twelfth cards, "Well, if going around punching ponies is good enough for The Filly Scouts of Equestria, it's good enough for me."
"Hahaha!" Sunset laughed, "That's ridiculous!"
"Yes, I suppose it is. Well, if a saxophone solo is good enough for making the penises kiss, it's good enough for me. What?? No! Gross!" She quickly flung the cards into the discard pile. "Well, if a boxing match with a giant box is good enough for something that looks like a box but turns out to be a crate, it's good enough for me. Hmmm... Maybe. Well, if scrotum tickling is good enough for an erection that lasts longer than 4 hours, it's good enough for me."
"Whoever's doing that must be a professional," I said.
"Well, if finally finishing off the buffalo is good enough for shapeshifters, it's good enough for me. Absolutely not. Well, if the homosexual agenda is good enough for Sombra, it's good enough for me."
"Do you really think an evil lord like him would approve of something like that?" Maud asked.
"Not in a million moons, Maud," Trixie replied, "Who had the first combo?"
"I did!" Starlight replied, "Finally!" I was glad that yet another pony who had yet to get an Awesome Point received one at last.
"Okay," Shining began, "This next one better not be one of those again..."
"You're telling me ..." Sunset replied.
The white stallion then grasped the next card in his aura and brought it to his face. After taking one glance at it, he smiled widely. "Awww...Phew!" he said, wiping his brow with a hoof, "Thank Celestia! _____. That's how I want to die."
"What a relief!" Starlight said. I had to agree with her. The 'Pick 2' cards were interesting, but having that many in a sequence like that got old really quick.
"Mine's not gonna work. I guarantee it," I said as I slid my card to the white unicorn.
"Mine probably won't, either," Sunset began, "Unless you really want it."
"Everyone ready?" Shining eventually asked, to which we all nodded, "Alright. Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up. That's how I want to die."
"So...you wanna wrap the rope around your neck and then trap your enemies like that?" Pinkie asked, "Kinda stupid, if you ask me."
"I think that's the point..." I said, slightly annoyed.
"The hiccups," Shining continued, "That's how I want to die. No, it's not. Becoming a blueberry? Not that, either. A tiger pit. That's how I want to die. I'm not quite sure what to say about that one. Getting married, having a few foals, buying some stuff, retiring to Mareami, and dying. That's how I want to die."
"That works better," I said.
"And finally, 72 virgins. That's how I want to die. Yes!" he exclaimed, slamming a hoof on the table in excitement, "Now we're talkin'! Who had this last one?"
"Trixie thanks you wholeheartedly, Prince Shining," the blue unicorn gratefully said as she rightfully took her card.
"You're welcome, Trixie, but please, you don't have to call me 'Prince'. Barely any pony does that, actually."
The magician folded her ears back and glanced away from the stallion. "Trixie was just trying to be polite," she said in a dejected tone.
"I know." Shining replied with a smile, "And...thank you."
Once the two unicorns finished their conversation, Maud picked up the next card in the stack. With her signature monotone vocals, she said, "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck _____."
Right as she finished, I couldn't help but shut my eyes and giggle helplessly. I was used to that card being read in a semi-enraged tone, but hearing it come out of the mouth of Maud Pie of all ponies made it sound way too hilarious.
I wasn't the only one who was lost in a giggling fit at the moment. Both Starlight and Sunset began doing the same thing after glancing at each other briefly.
"What's so funny?" the gray mare asked as she looked at the three of us.
Still chuckling, I replied, "Nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it." After that I noticed a card in my hand that I knew couldn't possibly lose. This was one of those cards where I didn't expect any throwaways, and thankfully, none were tossed in.
It wasn't even ten seconds before Maud had all six cards. I then prepared myself for even more giggles, whether they were from me or from somepony else, as hearing such a dull tone reading such an anger-laden card was sure to induce many of them.
"Man, this is bullshit," Maud began again, "Fuck an unstoppable wave of fire ants." That made so much sense that for some reason, I didn't laugh. "Man, this is bullshit. Fuck swiftly achieving orgasm."
"Ha! Wow!" Shining laughed, "Don't you just hate that?"
"Don't even mention it..." I replied, turning my head downward.
"Man, this is bullshit. Fuck intimacy problems."
"You know," I began again, "I wish I could laugh at all these, but they all make too much sense. What do you guys think?"
"You're right," Starlight said.
"Yeah!" Pinkie followed up, "I can usually crack a laugh pretty easily!"
"Man, this is bullshit. Fuck a world without boxes. You're right," Maud said, looking at me, "These really aren't as much funny as they are sensical. Anyway, man, this is bullshit. Fuck being without a lover."
"Awww...That's sad," Sunset said.
"Man, this is bullshit. Fuck Sudden Poop Explosion Disease."
This made the rest of us laugh quite audibly. I felt that the reason for that was just the awkward name of that fake aliment.
Maud then scanned over her options once more. "I'm gonna have to pick one at random. Give me a second." She then mixed the cards up in preparation for picking a winner. Personally, I would have eliminated a few of them before deciding a winner, even if it involved what Maud was currently doing.
After about 5 seconds, the wait for the winner was over. "Man, this is bullshit," Maud continued, putting one of the cards down, "Fuck an unstoppable wave of fire ants."
"Seriously??" Sunset asked, "Sweet!"
"Darn, I thought Sudden Poop Explosion Disease would work for sure," Starlight said.
"Oh, don't get me wrong, it was funny," Maud blankly replied, "I think your competition was just too much this time around."
"You're right," the light lavender unicorn replied.
As the two mares finished, Pinkie snatched the final card of the round. "Daddy, why is mommy crying?" she asked.
"This," I immediately said, sliding my choice to the pink pony to my right.
"Mine's a throwaway," Starlight said in a sad tone.
"Ready, everyone?" Pinkie eventually said. We all nodded, so she got right into reading the white cards. "Daddy, why is mommy crying? A nuanced critique. Nah. Flesh-eating bacteria. Probably. Shiny objects."
"Did she really find them that beautiful??" I asked.
"Maybe," Pinkie continued, "Anyway, a micropenis."
"Ha!" Sunset laughed.
"Yes, Trixie supposes that is something worth crying over," the great and powerful unicorn said.
"Tiny nipples." This received more short laughs.
"That, too," Trixie said again.
"Fiery poops. Ewww! Well...actually, that makes sense in this case, but I'm going with a micropenis."
"Hooray. I finally get a card..." Maud said. I felt great for her, as I would have felt strange if one player had gone two whole rounds without getting an Awesome Point.
"Nice job, Maud!" Sunset said to the gray mare.
"Thanks," Maud flatly replied, "I didn't think mine would work after I saw the ones that came after it."
"Well," I began, "You guys need another break, or are we good for the next round?"
"How about we just get right into it?" Starlight asked.
"I'm game!" Shining said.
"So am I!" Sunset followed up.
"Let's do it!" Pinkie chirped.
"Alright," I finished, "Let's go!"
Author's Note
After two rounds, the scores are as follows:
Me: 1
Also:
Countess Coloratura = Lady Gaga
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Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 3: What are Shining Armor's Parents Hiding from Him?
With nopony leaving the table for any urgent business, I began the next round without wasting any time. I reached for the stack of black cards and grabbed the one that was sitting on top. "I put _____ in the oven," I began, "And out came _____."
"Ugh..." Trixie grunted, "Puh-lease tell me we're not going on one of those streaks again..."
"Who knows..." Maud replied, emotionlessly.
"Mine's probably not gonna work," Sunset said as she slid her cards over to me, "But I still think you'll find it worthwile."
"Well, we're about to find out," I said, noticing that the others had given me their cards, as well, "I put a mouthful of potato salad in the oven and out came an overwhelming variety of cheeses. Hmmm... Interesting. I put all these decorative pillows in the oven and out came hip-hop jewels. I mean... That's not that much better than the last one. I put cock in the oven and out came wet dreams." As several ponies giggled, I tried to wrap my head around the many possibilities that combo was attempting to imply. "I put my vagina in the oven and out came a disappointing salad. Ha! That's pretty funny! I put the rhythms of Zebrica in the oven and out came pussy. Uhhh... No. And finally, I put a mopey zoo lion in the oven and out came dem crotchtitties."
"Hahaha!" Shining laughed, "What?!?"
"I'll agree, Shining," I replied, "That was rather amusing, but I'm going with my vagina and the salad."
"Great. That's mine..." Maud said, holding her hoof out towards me.
"Wait, really??" I asked.
"What about it?" the gray pony replied, giving me that blank, yet awkward, stare that I had seen her use so many times before.
"Nothing, sorry," I continued, "I just didn't expect you to come up with something like that. I assumed you and your sisters lived a rather sheltered life out on the rock farm."
"Actually, we did," Maud continued, "But once I started getting out and going to rock school, I decided that I needed to understand some of that kind of humor in order to fit in better with my classmates, because they were all mentioning it a lot."
"Oh. I just...well...never mind," I replied, using my hand to figuratively brush the subject away, "Go ahead, Sunset."
"Alright," the unicorn replied, taking the next card in her magic, "Puberty is a time of change. You might notice hair growing in new places. You might develop an interest in _____. This is normal."
"This one again?" I asked, remembering how I had drawn that card late in the game last time around.
I then heard Shining quietly let out an evil laugh, and Pinkie did something similar not too long after. This card was notorious for producing some rather repulsive results, but they usually possessed a generous amount of humor.
"You guys ready?" Sunset soon asked, to which she received six nods, "Okay, puberty is a time of change. You might notice hair growing in new places. You might develop an interest in the Milkmare of Trottingham. This is normal."
"Ha!" I exclaimed, "That's so true!"
"You might develop an interest in doing the right stuff to her nipples. This is normal." This only served to make me laugh even harder, along with Pinkie, Shining, and Starlight. I was amazed at how both this card and the previous one had come up in the perfect order, given the black card. "You might develop an interest in the moist, demanding chasm of his mouth," Sunset continued, "This is normal. Maybe. You might develop an interest in slowly easing down onto a cucumber. This is normal."
"Ouch!" Starlight said.
"You might develop an interest in Daring Do erotica. This is normal. Ha! That's probably right! You might develop an interest in...the...oh no..." she finished while giggling madly.
"What?" I asked.
It took Sunset a few more seconds to let out all her laughs before continuing. "You might develop an interest in the primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now!"
"Ewww! Really??" Pinkie asked in moderate disgust.
"Hey, it's funny! That's all that matters!" Sunset replied, "Who had this one?"
"I did..." Maud replied.
As much as I wanted to mention how hilarious it felt to realize that Maud of all ponies had played that card, I decided to let it slide this time around. After all, I was happy she was finally getting in the game.
"Okay, let's see what's next," Starlight said as she took possession of the next card, "What's the new fad diet?"
"Not this," I replied, tossing Starlight my throwaway.
"This probably isn't it, either," Sunset said as she mimicked my actions.
"Neither is mine..." Maud said.
"Well, then," Starlight continued, "This should be interesting... What's the new fad diet? Immortality cream. No. Carnies. Again, no. Filling every orifice with butterscotch pudding."
"Mmmm!!!!" Pinkie mumbled, licking her lips at what I assumed was the prospect of lots of the aforementioned sweet delight.
"Doing the right thing. I guess. Dying alone and in pain. Wow, I sure hoped we'd have something better. A zesty breakfast burrito."
"I didn't realize vegetables were that zesty," I said.
Starlight then sighed. "You know, I'm sorry, I have to go with the burrito. Nothing else is all that much better."
"Yes!" Shining exclaimed, "I thought that would be too simple to work!"
As the stallion received his card, Trixie took the next one in her blue aura. "_____," she began, "It's a trap!"
I was happy that Twilight and I had kept this as a card in this version of the game. I had never seen the movie it originated in, but I knew the scene all too well. Unfortunately, I considered my choice of a white card this time around to be rather sub-par, but it was the best I had.
"Okay, let's see what we've got here," Trixie said after receiving the sixth card, "Hormone injections. It's a trap!"
"Ha!" Sunset laughed, "You got that right!"
"A squadron of moles wearing flight goggles. It's a trap. I think not. Power. It's a trap!"
"Ooooooo..." came the voices of Pinkie, Starlight, and I.
"Hmmm..." Trixie mumbled while sporting a slightly saddened expression, "I suppose that works in this scenario. Anyway, peeing a little bit. It's a trap. No. A...Hahaha!" the magician laughed, "A stray pube! It's a trap!"
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Shining laughed hysterically.
"Yeah, that'd make for a twist worth talking about!" I mentioned.
"A kiss on the lips. It's a trap. That works, but a stray pube works the best, in my opinion. Who had that?"
"I did..." Maud replied.
"Wow, Maud, you're on a roll!" Pinkie said to her sister, "You have the same amount of points as I do!"
"Uh oh, this 'oughta be interesting..." Shining began after he took the next card in his magic, "What are my parents hiding from me?"
"I could think of plenty of things..." I mischievously said as I slid my card in.
"I think this is the first time I'm gonna say that my card has the best chance of winning..." Maud said. I was happy that she seemed confident in her decisions.
"Trixie hopes you're ready for this, Shining Armor..." the blue unicorn said with a half-lidded gaze as she slid her card to the stallion to her left.
"I sure hope I am, too," Shining replied, his cheeks going red with embarrassment as he got ready to read the six cards, "What are my parents hiding from me? Important news about Sapphire Shores. I think if I was a music-obsessed Twiley, that would work. Anyway, a cat so cute that your eyes roll back and your spine slides out of your anus."
"Awww...Why would they do that ?" Pinkie asked.
"A sweaty, panting leather daddy."
"Hahaha!" Sunset laughed.
"Anal beads."
"Ewww!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"A ma-...pffft ...Hahaha! A mating display!" This was funny enough to make Maud crack a smile while the rest of us laughed at the sheer accuracy of that card. "Okay, the last one is...Whoa...Dungeon porn."
"That's...definitely a good thing to hide from your kids..." Starlight said with a nervous expression on her face.
"Okay, who had a mating display? That was way too funny."
"Meeeeeee!!!" Pinkie cheered as she regained the lead. The party pony's competitive side made this game much more exciting.
Once Pinkie was given her card, Maud took the next one and read it. "One does not simply indulge in _____," she said in her all-too-familiar tone.
Just like with Trixie's card, this was another movie reference in which I had not seen the movie of origin. In fact, I had not seen any of the movies in the series I was referring to with that card, much to the chagrin of at least 80% of all the people I've ever met.
I gave a silent, but noticeably mischievous, laugh as I slid my card over to Maud. Once she received it and the other five, she began to read them off. "One does not simply indulge in Discord's sexual appetites," she said. This got the rest of us laughing, and I was more than tempted to say something along the lines of, 'Unless you're Fluttershy,' but since we were already in a giggling fit, I figured it was too late.
"One does not simply indulge in rising from the grave," Maud continued, "You're right. One does not simply indulge in shutting the fuck up. Maybe. There's plenty of talkative ponies out there. One does not simply indulge in a time travel paradox."
Pinkie and I then glanced at Starlight. Aside from Twilight, she was the only pony we both personally knew who had experimented with time travel.
Starlight gave us a confused look back. "What?" she asked. We didn't respond.
"One does not simply indulge in incest." This got everyone who wasn't named Pinkie or Maud giggling lightly. "One does not simply indulge in filling a stallion's anus with concrete." All of us, except the current Card Czar, cringed heavily. "A lot of these either made a lot of sense or were simply funny, but I'm gonna go with rising from the grave."
"Sweet!" Shining said, taking his Awesome Point in his magic.
"Really?" I asked Maud, "That one?"
"Read it to yourself in your head..." the mare replied. I didn't need to, though. I already knew what she was getting at.
"Awww..." Pinkie said as she looked at the next black card, "I learned the hard was that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with _____."
"Mine's gonna make too much sense," I said as I slid my card to the pony to my right.
"Same here," Sunset said.
"You two aren't the only ones," Shining said as he slid his card in.
"Okay, everyone ready?" the pink pony soon asked.
"Go ahead, Pinkie," I replied.
"Okay!" she chirped in reply, "I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with deez nuts."
"HAHAHA!!! Seriously?!?!?" I asked.
"Wow!" Shining exclaimed while chuckling.
"I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with a salty surprise. Yeah, sex ain't gonna cut it. I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with hoof painting."
"Well said," Trixie spoke.
"I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with a dollop of sour cream."
"As if the world's best baked potato wasn't enough..." Starlight said.
"I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with a dance move that's just sex. Like I said, sex ain't gonna cut it. I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with stallion scalps. Wow. Some of these were just awful. Plus, I think we all knew the winner from the start. Who had deez nuts?"
"That was me!" Starlight happily replied.
As Twilight's student placed her Awesome Point in her personal stack, I stretched my arms upward. "Hey, guys," I began, "I'm gonna take five. I need to just walk around for a bit."
"Me, too..." Maud said.
"Sounds good," Sunset said as we all ventured to random areas and did random things in preparation for another round of hilarity.
Author's Note
Here are the scores after the first 3 rounds:
Me: 1
Also, it's true. I have not seen any Lord of the Rings movies and have only seen one Star Wars movie, Attack of the Clones, which happened 14 years ago, hence the fact that I don't know which movie the "It's a trap!" scene came from.
Go ahead, let me have it...
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 4: Boulder the Card Czar
What I hoped would be only a five-minute break turned out to be more like fifteen minutes. How, I wasn't sure, but nevertheless, I was glad that we were all back and ready to begin the fourth round.
I picked up the next black card, but right before I read it, I felt a little sad. "How am I retaining my relationship status?" I asked. I felt sad because I didn't need to worry about maintaining my relationship status - I wasn't in one.
"Ummm..." I heard Trixie say, "Trixie's not sure that this card will work, but it's the best she has at the moment."
"Same here, Trixie," Sunset said as both unicorns floated me their cards.
"Alright, everypony ready?" I asked as the last card was given to me. All I got were six silent nods, so I wasted no time in beginning to read. "How am I maintaining my relationship status? My sex dungeon. Boy...Nicely played. Getting under her tail, politely. Uhhh...I guess? My humps."
"Ha!" Sunset laughed. I figured that that term had to have been used in the EQG-verse several times, but even now - long after I had finished helping Twilight create this version of the game - I was still surprised that 'my humps' was a well-known term in Equestria.
"Waiting 'till marriage."
"Well, that's one way to keep a relationship healthy," Shining mentioned, "I mean, that's what I did with Cadance."
"And you willingly admit that in front of all of us?" I asked.
"Hey, what harm could it do?"
I paused for a few seconds. "Never mind..." I continued, "Anyway, being marginalized. Nah. A bleached asshole."
"Gross!" Starlight exclaimed.
"Yeah, I'll have to agree with that," I replied, "Who had my humps?"'
"Oh! That was me!" Starlight replied.
"Rats..." Maud spoke, "I thought my sex dungeon would work for sure..."
"It almost did," I replied.
"Aw, shoot!" Sunset exclaimed as she looked at the next card, "I have something that works perfectly for this one!"
"What is it?" Pinkie asked.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by _____."
"Oh my...hahaha!" Starlight laughed lightly while sliding her card to the unicorn to her right, "This is too good!"
"Nah, mine's gonna win," Shining competitively replied.
"Sorry, mine's the winner," I said as I gave my card to Sunset.
"Oh, is it now?" Sunset inquisitively asked in reply.
"Well, it'd better be..." I responded.
"Well, we're about to find out. The class field trip was completely ruined by grandma. Hahaha! What?!?"
"Wow!" Starlight exclaimed while she audibly chuckled.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by penis envy."
"Well, then..." Shining mumbled.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by me. Haha...nice one! The class field trip was completely ruined by testicular torsion."
"You got that right..." I said as I cringed.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by...by..." she cringed. "...walking in on dad peeing into mom's mouth."
"I'm sorry, what?!?" Trixie exclaimed.
"Ewww! Not that one again!" Pinkie shouted in disgust.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by vomiting mid-blowjob. That works, but I'm gonna go with grandma."
"Yes!" Shining replied in delight.
"Come on, really??" I replied, "How does penis envy not ruin a field trip??"
"It actually makes it more exciting!" Sunset replied, "It's fun because females can just sit back and watch all the hating!"
"I...guess that makes sense?" I finished.
Just then, Starlight took the next card in her magic; however, once it was in front of her, her face sported a look of confusion. "Uhhh..." she began, "_____ is to _____ as _____ is to _____. Draw 3, Pick 4."
"Huh?" came the voice of Pinkie, "I don't remember that card."
"It's actually a custom of mine back home," I explained, "Twilight and I made it into a real card for this game."
"Oh! Cool!" the party pony chirped in reply.
After that, the 6 players who weren't the Card Czar each drew 3 additional cards. Once I looked at them and the rest of my hand, I was able to piece together two combos that would work for this card. I knew that this would take a while for all of us, given that this was a scenario that the majority of us weren't expecting. However, this was basically the 'When you get right down to it, _____ is just _____' card times 2, making the laughs last twice as long.
After about a minute, Starlight had 24 cards in front of her, and she wasted no time in starting to read them off. "Okay, here we go," she began, "Jerking off into a pool of children's tears is to the harsh light of day as not getting what you wanted for Hearth's Warming is to dead parents. That...that just doesn't work. Mild autism is to the profoundly handicapped, as fucking a corpse back to life is to not reciprocating oral sex."
"The second half doesn't work all too well," Sunset said.
"You're right," Starlight continued, "Battlefield amputations is to amputees as a pizza stallion who fucked up is to a murder most foul."
Several of us went, "Oooooo..." as the unicorn finished reading that set of cards.
"A sad hoofjob is to being blind and deaf and having no limbs as nursing a ten year old is to whatever you wish, mother."
"Uhhh..." Pinkie began, "I'm not sure whether to find that funny or not."
"Buying the right pants to be cool is to a visually arresting turtleneck as surprise sex is to lots and lots of abortions."
"Wow...That is rather sad..." Trixie said.
"A middle-aged stallion on roller skates is to a subscription to Stallion's Fitness as an endless stream of diarrhea is to having been dead for a while."
"Well," I began, "Creatures do void their bowels after they die..."
"Yeah...but that one's not good enough this time," Starlight continued, "I'm going with the combo that began with battlefield amputations.
Maud then raised a hoof. "That was me..." she said.
"I will say that each and every one of these had something to laugh at," Starlight finished as she floated the black card to Pinkie Pie's older sister. As she did, the great and powerful blue unicorn to her left snagged the next card in her magic.
"What brought the orgy to a grinding halt?" Trixie asked.
"This," Sunset said as she gave her card to her fellow unicorn.
"Nope. This," Shining said as he did the same thing.
"Sorry, guys," I began, "Yours' ain't winnin' today."
"I beg to differ," Starlight said as she gave her entry to her most recent friend.
"So do I..." Maud said.
"Yeah! Me, too!" Pinkie loudly said as she and her sister slid their cards in, "There's no way mine can lose!"
"Well, then. Trixie is excited all of a sudden," the blue unicorn said as she prepared to read off the cards, "What brought the orgy to a grinding halt? A rival dojo. Yes, I suppose that works. An A.K. Yearling plot twist."
"Ha!" Sunset laughed.
"Crippling debt. Yes, that sure is a turn-off. Sexual...peeing??"
"Gross!" Starlight exclaimed.
"Yes, it is, but in this context, it's a rather acceptable answer. Anyway, a hopeless amount of spiders. Again, yes, that works. And finally..." Trixie eyes went wide as she read what was on the last card. "...an oncoming train."
"Whoa, now that's a good one!" Shining said.
"Trixie would say so, too. Who had an oncoming train?"
"I did!" Sunset happily replied.
"Awww!" Pinkie moaned in reply, "How do spiders not work??"
"Cool it, Pinkie," Trixie firmly said, "Does Trixie have to remind you that you had 3 cards at the end of the first round?"
"Ugh...Fine..." Pinkie groaned.
"Alright, what's next?" Shining asked no one in particular as he took the next card in his magic, "Everypony join hooves and close your eyes. Do you sense that? That's the presence of _____ in this room."
"Mine's a throwaway," I immediately said, tossing the prince my card. I wasn't a big fan of this card, and I wondered why it was made in the first place.
Soon, the stallion had all six cards in front of him and began to read them right away. "Everypony join hooves and close your eyes," he continued, "Do you sense that? That's the presence of the invisible hoof in this room."
Right as Shining finished speaking, Pinkie shivered and ducked under the table as if she were Fluttershy after hearing the sound of a nearby Timberwolf.
"You alright, Pinkie?" I asked the party pony, peeking under the table to look at her.
"He made that sound scary..." Pinkie whispered in reply.
"Oh, come on, you're the last pony I'd suspect to be scared of something as crazy the invisible hoof." As I finished speaking, I felt a hoof touch my left shoulder. Thinking it was Sunset, I looked to the yellow-orange pony to my left, only to find that her hooves were nowhere near my shoulder. Realizing that whatever had touched my shoulder was still touching it, I tried brushing it off with my hand, which worked, but then it started bouncing off random areas of my body. I still couldn't see what was making repeated contact with me, which got my adrenaline going madly.
"What going on?!?" I asked loudly.
"Hahahahaha!!!!!" Trixie laughed as I ceased feeling the touch of the unseen perpetrator. A few of the others were laughing, too, including Pinkie, as my reaction had somehow brought her out of her seemingly panicked state. "Oh, you should have seen the look on your face! Hahaha!!!"
"That was you ????" I asked the magician in reply.
"It was, yes," she replied as she came down from her laughing fit, "While you were looking down at Pinkie, I used my magic to create an invisible hoof and have it frighten you. I hope I didn't offend you or anything like that."
"Hahaha..." I laughed in feign as Pinkie climbed back into her chair next to me, "Very funny... Continue, Shining."
"Thanks," he replied, "That's the presence of heteronormativity in this room. Maybe? That's the presence of clenched butt cheeks in this room. Did that apply to you in the last minute?" the stallion asked me.
"I'm not sayin' nothin'..." I replied.
"Alright. That's the presence of some damn peace and quiet in this room. That sounds fair. That's the presence of penis breath in this room."
"Oh, how vile!" Trixie said.
"That's the presence of the pony body in this room. Nah, too obvious. I think I'll go with some damn peace and quiet."
"That's mine!" Starlight exclaimed, adding to her gradually growing pile of Awesome Points.
We all then turned to Maud, but her pet rock was sitting next to her ear in her right forehoof. After a few seconds of silence, the gray mare said, "Boulder says he wants to be the Card Czar for this one..."
I was a bit taken aback by what she'd said, but Boulder wasn't all that bad of a character when it came to certain situations. "Go ahead, you two," I said.
Maud then picked up the next card and held it in front of her pet rock. After another few seconds, the mare said, "Here, let me read it for you. Honey, I have a new role-playing game I want to try tonight. You can be _____ and I'll be _____." I immediately spotted two cards in my hand that would go great together for this card.
"Trixie must throw these away, unfortunately..." the blue unicorn said.
"Same here," Starlight said.
Soon, Maud and Boulder had all twelve cards in front of them, and the gray mare immediately began reading them off for her pet rock. "Honey, I have a new role-play I want to try tonight. You can be shapes and colors and I'll be strong female characters."
"How the heck does that work??" I asked.
"You can be whining like a little bitch and I'll be a cop who is also a dog."
"Hahaha!!!" Shining laughed.
"You can be a falcon with a box on its head and I'll be social justice warriors with flamethrowers of compassion."
"What??" Starlight asked.
"You can be civilian casualties and I'll be explosions."
"Oooooo..." came several of our voices.
"You can be a box that is conscious and wishes it weren't a box and I'll be oncoming traffic. Were both just gonna assume that that's referring to the multitude of taxis that we saw while we were in Manehattan with Pinkie and Rarity. Anyway, you can be ponies with cake in their mouths talking about how good cake is and I'll be how awesome I am." Maud then leaned down so that her right ear was close to Boulder. After a few more seconds, she asked, "That's a little dark, don't you think?" All we did was just stare at the two of them.
"Okay, if you insist..." Maud eventually said, pulling her head back up completely, "Boulder says he likes civilian casualties and explosions the best."
"Yes!" Shining shouted, throwing his forehooves in the air, "I knew that would work!" After taking his card, he brought a hoof to the rock and said, "Thanks, buddy!"
The stallion then gave Boulder a hoof bump, followed by Maud looking at her pet rock for a couple of seconds before turning to Shining and saying, "He says you're welcome..."
I then leaned n close to Sunset and whispered, "I'll never understand that mare and her rock."
"Mm-mmm..." Sunset mumbled in reply, shaking her head.
Soon, Pinkie took the next card and read it out loud. "Hey baby," she began in a seductive tone, "Come back to my place and I'll show you _____." Hearing her sound like that made me giggle lightly.
It didn't take long for us to give the party pony our results, and once she had them, she got right into reading them. "Hey baby," she continued, "Come back to my place and I'll show you nipple blades. Ouch! Come back to my place and I'll show you Fleur de Lis' vagina."
"Haha!!" Shining laughed.
"Come back to my place and I'll show you an uninterrupted history of imperialism and exploitation."
"That sounds a lot like what Sombra did..." I mentioned.
"Come back to my place and I'll show you three dicks at the same time."
"That guy must have had some eager friends!" Sunset said.
"Come back to my place and I'll show you catapults. Nah. Come back to my place and I'll show you the secret formula for ultimate female satisfaction - which, in this case, is three dicks at the same time. Who had that one?"
"Finally!" I exclaimed, "It's about time!" I was thrilled to have gotten my first Awesome Point since round one.
"Okay," Pinkie continued, "Who wants to go raid Twilight's fridge with me?"
"I'm game!" Sunset said.
"Let's go!" Starlight replied as the three of them sped off. However, unbeknownst to them, Trixie had already transported herself there right after they exited the dining room. I couldn't wait to see the hilarious argument that would ensue when they all returned...
Author's Note
Here are the standings after four rounds:
Me: 2
View Online
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 5: You Know What Really Grinds Starlight's Gears?
After what could have been called a highly successful clean-out of food from Twilight's kitchen, everyone returned for round five. Given how much they had brought into the dining room, I couldn't wait for Twilight to return and go absolutely nuts.
I drew the next black card, and I instantly remembered the unforgettable thing that Cadance said during the last game. "WHOOO! Damn, I love _____!"
"Please forgive me..." Sunset chuckled as she slid her card to me.
"Should I be afraid?" I asked the unicorn.
"Who knows?" Sunset replied. My only response was an audible exhale.
I soon had all six cards in front of me, and I got straight into reading them off. "WHOOO!" I continued, "Damn , I love jizzing into Tirek's beard! Wait, what?????" Most of the others laughed quite loudly. "Very funny..." I mumbled, "Anyway, WHOOO! Damn , I love...seeing grandma's private parts...Aw, geez...You guys are really lettin' me have it, aren't you?"
"I suppose so," Starlight said with a mischievous grin.
"WHOOO! Damn , I love pictures of crotchboobs! Finally, something that makes sense. WHOOO! Damn , I love pumping out a baby every eleven months! Uhhh... Maybe? WHOOO! Damn , I love being awesome at sex! Perfect! WHOOO! Damn , I love slapping a racist old mare! Nah, who had being awesome at sex?"
"Meeee!!!!" Pinkie exclaimed, quickly snatching the card away from me. She was now in the lead once again.
"Oh, boy..." Sunset began as she looked at the next card, "What gives me uncontrollable gas?"
"Ha!" I laughed, "Rainbow had this one during the last game!"
"Really? How did that turn out?" Sunset asked, not looking too amused.
"I'll wait until you've read all the cards," I replied, giving her a card that I wasn't too sure would work.
"Mine's a throwaway," Starlight said.
"Alright, let's see what we've got," Sunset said, "What gives me uncontrollable gas? Prancing. Nope. Some douche with an acoustic guitar. He'd probably give me more irritation than gas. A gentle caress of the inner thigh? Nah. Non-vegetarian options. Uhhh...I'd have to know what they are, though I've already got a clue what they might be... Genuine equine connection. I don't think so. And finally, kale."
"Ha!" I laughed, "I think that was one of Rainbow's choices!"
"Oh?" Sunset asked, "Did it win?"
"Uhhh...I think the winner was quiche, actually."
"Oh, well, it's gonna win this time. Who had kale?"
"I did!" Shining replied, taking the lead alongside Pinkie Pie.
As the stallion received his Awesome Point, Starlight took the next card in her magic. "You know what really grinds my gears?" she asked.
"These," Shining said, passing Starlight his card. I had to assume that his card contained a plural noun.
"Nah, this ," I said to the stallion as I did the same thing he did.
"Okay, let's go," SG, as I normally called her, eventually continued, "You know what really grinds my gears? Piece of shit Hearth's Warming cards with no money in them."
"That'd definitely make me mad!" Pinkie said.
"Object permanence. Uhhh... I'm not sure about that one. Getting eaten alive by Timberwolves."
"Wwwwoooah ..." Trixie said, drawing out her pronunciation, "That's rather sad..."
"Child support payments. Wow... No longer finding any Cards Against Equinity card funny. I guess. Photo Finish's opinions. Yeah, from what I know about her so far, she probably has too many. Let's see..." she continued as she looked over her choices, "Who had child support payments?"
"Trixie thanks you kindly, dear friend," the blue unicorn said to the light lavender one.
"You're welcome, Trixie," Starlight replied, smiling as she gave her fellow unicorn her Awesome Point.
"Okay, what's next?" Trixie asked herself as she drew the next card with her magical aura, "What ended my last relationship?"
"This!" Pinkie chirped as she gave the magician her card.
"You seem confident..." Sunset said, giving Pinkie a competitive smirk.
"Yep!"
"Well, you shouldn't, because this one right here is the winner," the yellow-orange unicorn said as she floated her card to Trixie.
"Everyone ready?" Trixie asked once she received the last white card. The rest of us nodded. "Alright, what ended Trixie's last relationship? Fear itself."
"Whoa...That's pretty legit..." I said.
"Getting caught by the police and going to jail. That makes sense. Nubile slave colts. Ouch... Discord's musky, cum-stained pelt. What??? No! Gross! Alcoholism."
"Ooooo..." Pinkie moaned in response.
"Well played..." Shining said.
"Saws for hooves. That one is also dark, but alcoholism wins."
"Yes!" Sunset exclaimed, now officially in a three-way tie for first place.
"Uh-oh...Haha!!" Shining laughed as he took a look at the next card, "This is gonna be interesting! My wife's in labor! I guess I'd better engage in _____!" This caused the majority of us to laugh.
"Wow, what are the chances?" I asked nopony in particular.
"This should work..." Maud blankly remarked as she slid her card to the stallion to her right.
"Meh...why not be dark for once?" Starlight casually said as she gave Shining her choice.
"Sounds good," Sunset said as she gave the prince what I assumed was another dark scenario.
It hadn't even been ten seconds before Shining Armor had all six cards. "Let's see. My wife's in labor!" he continued, "I guess I'd better engage in total fucking chaos!"
"Oooh!" Pinkie began, "What kind of chaos?? A gigantic party for the foal??"
"Maybe," Shining replied, "Anyway, I guess I'd better engage in...multiple stab wounds. Ow... I guess I'd better engage in eating an entire snowpony."
"Hahaha!" Sunset laughed, "Good luck with that!"
"I guess I'd better engage in three months in the hole."
"Wow...that's sad..." I said.
"I guess I'd better engage in...What?!? Hahaha!!! Setting my balls on fire and cartwheeling to Vanhoover!" I wasn't surprised that the stallion had had a similar reaction to Discord's during the last game. "Wow, that was hilarious! Anyway, I guess I'd better engage in holding down a colt and farting over him. Nah, who had the cartwheeling to Vanhoover card?"
"Yes! Once again, the Great and Powerful Trixie prevails!" the blue magician proclaimed as she took her Awesome Point from the white prince to her left.
Maud soon had possession of the next black card. "In the seventh circle of Tartarus..." she began, "...sinners must endure _____ for all eternity..."
"This 'oughta be interesting ..." I thought to myself as I noticed one of the darkest possible cards for this scenario.
"Mine's a throwaway 'cause of the way it's worded," Sunset said as she and I passed our cards in.
Soon, Maud was ready to read all the cards that she had been given. "In the seventh circle of Tartarus," she continued, "Sinners must endure Zebrican children for all eternity."
There was a very, very long silence.
"Ouch..." Starlight said as Pinkie's mane deflated slightly.
"Sinners must endure like a million alligators for all eternity," Maud flatly continued, "No, that doesn't quite work. Sinners must endure extremely tight pants for all eternity..."
"Ha!" I laughed.
"Sinners must endure a piñata full of scorpions for all eternity. Maybe. Sinners must endure several intertwining love stories featuring the Flim Flam Brothers for all eternity."
"What?!?" Pinkie screamed, "Not them !"
"Sinners must endure actual mutants with medical conditions and no superpowers for all eternity. Not this time. Who had Zebrican children?"
"What?" I asked, "That's mine. Really? I thought it was too dark."
"It was," Maud replied, blankly, "But I felt like being dark for once."
"And you did an excellent job at that, Maud!" Pinkie said to her sister.
"Well, then...Thanks," I said as I took the card from the rock farmer.
Right after that, Pinkie snatched the final black card for this round. "In the distant future," she began, "Historians will agree that _____ marked the beginning of Equestria's decline."
"I'm only playing this 'cause it applies to you, Pinkie," I said, giving the party pony my card.
"Hehe..." Starlight giggled, "This one's pretty funny." She then floated her card over to the pink mare to my right.
"Everyone ready?" Pinkie eventually asked, to which she received nods from the rest of us. "Okie Dokie Lokie! Let's go! In the distant future, historians will agree that sugar madness marked the beginning of Equestria's decline. Nah. Nice try, though. Historians will agree that the hardworking Mexicoltican marked the beginning of Equestria's decline."
"Wow, that's still as racist as it is back home," I said.
"Historians will agree that Appleoosa marked the beginning of Equestria's decline. Awww...That's not funny. Everypony down there is wonderful. Anyway, historians will agree that socks marked the beginning of Equestria's decline. I can see where that would go, but no. Historians will agree that hope marked the beginning of Equestria's decline."
"Oooooo..." Sunset said.
"How ironic," Starlight followed up.
"Historians will agree that puberty marked the beginning of Equestria's decline." This caused all of us, except Maud, who only gave a light smile, to laugh pretty hard. "Hahaha! That's too funny! Who had that one?"
"Haha!" Shining replied as he came down from his laughing fit, "That's mine, Pinkie!"
Right as the stallion finished speaking, Sunset had a look of discomfort and comical guilt on her face. "Uh-oh..." she began, clenching her abdominal area with a foreleg, "Those 3-bean nachos went right through me." She then got up from her chair and sprinted toward the bathroom, making some of us giggle.
"Anyone else need to use the washroom?" I asked. I didn't need a verbal response, however, as everypony else had already gotten up and headed for the hallway. I then felt a gurgle in my lower intestine. "Might as well ..." I thought to myself before I, too, left the dining room for a different water closet.
Author's Note
Round 5 has concluded. Here are the scores:
Me: 3
Also:
Appleoosa = Texas
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 6: What's Trixie Finally Ready For?
Twenty minutes had passed before we had all returned for the sixth round.
We had all left the dining room beforehand, but not everyone had to use the restroom. Not everyone had partaken in the devious deed of devouring Spike's secret stash of 3-bean nachos, as plenty of other food was available. At least three of us had only gotten up to stretch our limbs by walking around the castle, as even the pillows cushioning the stone seats of the chairs we had been sitting in got uncomfortable after a time.
"You guys ready to continue?" I asked the six ponies surrounding me, who all nodded immediately, "Okay, let's see..." I continued as I picked up the next black card, "In A.K. Yearling's new movie, Daring Do discovers that _____ had really been _____ all along."
At this point, I had been getting more and more annoyed whenever I saw a 'Pick 2' card. Why? Even though they weren't appearing as much as they were in the second round, I felt that they really slowed the game down and caused everyone to take the slightest bit more caution, as everyone's responses couldn't be shuffled like they could with black cards that only required one white one.
Soon, I had twelve white cards in front of me, and I didn't want to waste any more time, so I read them right away. "In A.K. Yearling's new movie," I continued, "Daring Do discovers that magnets had really been the tiny, calloused hooves of the Neighponese fillies and colts who made this card."
"Awww..." Pinkie moaned in sadness.
"That hurts..." Sunset said.
"Daring Do discovers that our first chimpanzee Princess had really been my first kill all along. That may have worked better the other way around. Daring Do discovers that natural male enhancement had really been dark and mysterious forces beyond our control all along. That's a little better. Daring Do discovers that khakis had really been the thin veneer of situational causality that underlies porn all along. Wow..." I finished, chucking lightly.
"Are khakis triggers for those types of scenarios in your world?" Starlight asked me.
"Not normally," I replied, "But one popular porn scenario is the seductive delivery man, and if they're not wearing cargo shorts, they're usually known for wearing either full-length khakis or khaki shorts, and even though the women they see don't find those the sexiest thing they're wearing, they're still a part of it, so this makes a lot of sense in a way. Anyway," I said, wanting to continue the game, "Daring Do discovers that ghosts had really been Trenderhoof's musk all along."
"Ewww!!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"And finally, Daring Do discovers that graphic violence, adult language, and some sexual content had really been seeing things from Sombra's perspective all along. Hmmm... Not too sure about that one." I then took several good seconds to figure out which combo was the winner. "I think I'll go with khakis and the porn card."
"Hooray... That's mine..." Maud flatly said to me.
"Way to go, Maud!" Pinkie excitedly said to her sister while wrapping her right foreleg around her neck, "You and I are tied now!"
"Actually," Sunset began, "I think the three of us are tied for second place!"
"Well, not for long!" Pinkie replied with a competitive smirk, "What's next?"
Before replying, Sunset took the next card in her magic. "Excuse me," she began, "Which way do I go to get to _____ 101?"
"Oh, this is gonna be great..." I said while chuckling.
"You said it!" Starlight said, also giggling.
"I'm not sure if I can consider this one a throwaway because it makes too much sense..." Maud said as she passed in her card.
"You don't think it'll be good enough to win?" Shining asked the earth pony to his left.
"No..." Maud replied.
"Okay, looks like we're ready," Sunset continued, seeing all six cards in front of her, "Excuse me, which way do I go to get to sucking all the milk out of a yak 101?"
"HAHAHA!!!" I laughed out loud.
"Excuse me, which way do I go to get to dying of dysentery 101? Well, then... Excuse me, which way do I go to get to taking a shit in front of the police station 101?"
"Ewww, gross!" Trixie exclaimed, "Who does that?"
"Excuse me, which way do I go to get to maximal insertion 101?" Once again, all but one of us laughed really hard. "Excuse me, which way do I go to get to fabricating statistics 101? That actually sounds like a real class. Excuse me, which way do I go to get to gloryholes 101? Ha! That ended nicely! Let's see... I think I'll go with maximal insertion."
"That's mine!" Starlight happily said. After she received her Awesome Point, the unicorn levitated the next card over to herself. "Aw, great..." she groaned.
"What?" I asked.
"It's another 'Pick 2'. Patient presents with _____. Likely a result of _____."
"Another one? Geez, I don't remember seeing this many of those in a single game!"
"Trixie doesn't know about any of you," the blue unicorn began, "But she's getting rather annoyed with the presence of all these 2-card cards."
"Well, I'm certainly annoyed..." Pinkie unenthusiastically said, "I have to throw these two away."
"Well, hopefully we won't see any more for a while. Anyway," Starlight continued, beginning to read the twelve white cards, "Patient presents with self-loathing. Likely a result of being a terrible mother."
"Ouch..." Maud flatly remarked.
"Patient presents with running through a mall, pissing and shitting everywhere. Likely a result of running out of semen. Nah. Patient presents with insatiable bloodlust. Like a result of deflowering the princess."
"Well," Shining began, "That makes sense, but I don't see how the blood from taking a mare's virginity could trigger such bloodthirsty behavior."
"You're right..." Maud replied, "That makes no sense at all..."
"Patient presents with synergistic management solutions. Likely a result of jumping out at ponies."
"AKA an overenthusiastic travelling salespony," Sunset said.
"Patient presents with a water gun full of cat pee. Likely a result of being rich. Well, that...that I can actually see working. Patient presents with a constant need for validation. Likely a result of a sea of troubles."
This caused the majority of us to go, "Oooooo..."
"Yeah...I think I'll go with that last one," Starlight finished.
"That's mine," Shining said.
"Hey, high fi-...I mean, hoof, bro," I said, offering the stallion my fist, "That was way too real."
"Heh...Thanks, dude," he replied, hoof-bumping my fist.
"Oh, come...on !" Trixie wailed, the next card in her aura, "Not again!"
"You drew another one?" Pinkie asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," the blue magician replied with a look that was blanker than Maud's, "After months of practice with _____, I think I'm finally ready for _____."
I had lost count of how many 'Pick 2' cards had shown up so far. Again, they were fun, but so many at once was kind of overwhelming.
We soon gave all our choices to Trixie, who began reading them off right away. "After months of practice with quiche," she continued, "I think I'm finally ready for getting shot out of a cannon. Well, that's almost what happened to me. After months of practice with cute colts, I think I'm finally ready for sanding off a stallion's nose."
"So...does that mean you sanded off all of their noses, too?" Starlight asked.
"Yes, I suppose so," Trixie replied, "Anyway, after months of practice with farting and walking away, I think I'm finally ready for peeing into a mare's butt to make a baby. Oh, that's disgusting! No! After months of practice with the ooze, I think I'm finally ready for pooping back and forth. Forever. Also atrocious. No. After months of practice with necrophilia, I think I'm finally ready for double penetration."
"Uhhh...How does that even work?" Pinkie asked.
"It doesn't," Trixie said, "After months of practice with sperm whales, I think I'm ready for giant sperm from outer space. Wow. None of these were all that amusing, so I'll just randomly go with cute colts and sanding off a stallion's nose."
"Yay!" Pinkie cheered, throwing her hooves up in the air while Trixie floated her card over to her.
Shining Armor then drew the next card. "Phew... This isn't one of those," he said, "Tonight, we will have sex. And afterwards, if you'd like, a little bit of _____."
"Finally ..." Trixie said in a tone that easily mimicked Rarity's.
"Mine's a throwaway," Sunset said.
"Same here," Starlight followed up, "Mine works, but it's not that funny."
"Okay, are we ready?" Shining soon asked. We all nodded. "Okay, then," he continued, "Tonight, we will have sex. And later, if you'd like, a little bit of same-sex ice dancing."
"Wow," I began, feeling like a giddy troll, "I didn't realize Cadance had a sex change..." This earned a few laughs, including one from Shining himself.
"Heh...Nice one," he replied, "Anyway, tonight, we will have sex. And later, if you'd like, a little bit of Cards Against Equinity. I don't think she'd have problem with that! And later, if you'd like, a little bit of overpowering your father."
"Ha!" Pinkie chirped.
"And later, if you'd like, a little bit of public ridicule. Nah. And later, if you'd like, a little bit of inappropriate yodeling. Not this time. And later if you'd like, a little bit of...BATMARE!!!" This caused several of us to laugh. "Okay, that last one was funny, but I'm gonna go with overpowering your father."
"Another victory for Trixie!" the blue unicorn triumphantly said.
Maud then drew the next card, but after taking one glance at it, she looked at the unicorn who had just won her fifth Awesome Point. "Hey, Trixie..." the earth pony began, "Sorry to cut your celebration short. Step 1: _____. Step 2: _____. Step 3: Profit."
"What ?!?!?" Trixie angrily replied, "You can't be serious!"
"Here..." Maud responded, turning the card around so that the blue pony could see the written text, "Look at it for yourself..." Trixie did just that, only to slam her face into the table in frustration immediately afterwards. I was mystified as to how she had not broken her nose, but I decided not to ask.
"Ooooh!" Pinkie began, passing two cards to her big sister, "This should work!"
"Well, looks like I won't be winning this one..." Sunset said, passing in what I assumed was a throwaway.
Maud soon had all six combos in front of her, giving her every reason to skip asking for clarification if everyone was ready. "Step 1..." she continued, "An ether-soaked rag. Step 2: My stallionservant, Claude. Step 3: Profit."
"Well, that's one way to make a porno," Sunset said.
"Step 1: Being nine years old. Step 2: Oil. Step 3: Profit. Must be a wealthy family. Step 1: Some kind of bird-stallion. Step 2: The most ridiculous thing you could ever imagine. Step 3: Profit."
"So...Just a pegasus stallion doing something totally outrageous?" Pinkie asked.
"I guess," Maud continued, "Anyway, step 1: Breeding changelings for their priceless semen. Step 2: A whole new kind of porn. Step 3: Profit."
"That's some pretty serious changeling porn, if you ask me," I said.
"Step 1: A box. Step 2: Cutting off a flamingo's legs with garden shears. Step 3: Profit. That's too simple. Step 1: A whole lotta mare. Step 2: Lactation. Step 3: Profit. That works, but that's not really my thing. Who had breeding changelings and the new kind of porn?"
"I did!" Shining replied, "One more and I win!"
"What?!?" I exclaimed, "Already?"
"Yep!" the stallion excitedly replied.
"Aw, geez...Choose wisely, Pinkie," I said to the earth pony to my right.
"Will do!" Pinkie said in reply while taking the next card, "Get ready for the movie of the summer! One cop plays by the book. The other's only interested in one thing: _____."
"This better win..." Starlight said.
"Nah, this one's the winner right here," Sunset said to her fellow unicorn as she passed her card in.
"Everyone ready?" Pinkie soon asked, to which the rest of us nodded, "Okay! Get ready for the movie of the summer! One cop plays by the book. The other's only interested in one thing: Being a dick to fillies and colts. Awww..." she sadly remarked, "Who would play such a sad card?"
"Hey, that's what happens in this game," I said.
Pinkie sighed. "I guess... Anyway, one cop plays by the book The other's only interested in one thing: Revenge fucking."
"HAHAHA!!!" Shining loudly laughed, "That's perfect!"
"The other's only interested in one thing: Cheating in the Special Equestria Games. Oooooo... Interesting... The other's only interested in one thing: One trillion bits."
"Who isn't interested in that?" Sunset asked.
"The other's only interested in one thing: Shitting all over the floor like a bad, bad filly. NNNNGH...No. The other's only interested in one thing: Teaching a mare how to hoofjob the penis. Nah, not at this point. Who had cheating in the Special Equestria Games?"
"I did!" I replied, glad to have finally gotten my fourth card after six rounds.
We were all silent for the next several seconds. "So..." Maud said out of nowhere, "What now?"
"Uhhh...I guess we'll continue, unless anyone needs a quick break," I said.
"I'm good," Starlight said.
"Me, too," Sunset said.
"Me, three!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Let's just keep going," Shining said.
"Alright, then," I said, "Let's go!"
Author's Note
The 6th round standings are as follows:
Me: 4
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 7: How Does Pinkie Get By?
With no breaks needed, I got right into starting the next round.
"A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without _____," I said, the next card already in my hand.
"I could think of plenty of answers..." Shining said while chuckling.
"It would be incomplete without a trip to the dentist in this case," Sunset said as she gave me her card.
"Mine would involve a shower," Pinkie said as she did the same thing.
"Okay, let's see what we've got," I said once the sixth card had been given to me, "A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without the female orgasm." I immediately knew who's this was. "A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without a Zebrican warlord." A few of us laughed, despite the dark implications.
"Whoa..." Starlight said.
"A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without a buttload of candy. I think we all know who this belongs to. A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without a spontaneous conga line."
"Ooooh! That sounds like fun!" Pinkie cheerfully remarked.
"A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without authentic cuisine from Mexicolt."
"Too obvious," Trixie flatly said.
"A romantic, candlelit dinner would be incomplete without pulling out." This caused some of us to go wide-eyed.
"Quite the dinner date..." Maud said.
"You're right," I replied, "But I feel like going with a Zebrican warlord just for the hell of it."
"Yes! Trixie will take that, thank you very much," the blue magician said as her Awesome Point became enveloped in her magic.
"Awww!" Pinkie groaned, "How does the female orgasm not work?"
"Well, it was going along the lines of pulling out at that point," I replied, "So only picking one of those wouldn't be fair." Pinkie only sighed in reply, reminding me of the distress Rainbow Dash was under during the last two games.
"Ooooh..." Sunset began, already holding the next card in her magic, "This should be good. What never fails to liven up the party?"
"Not this..." Trixie immediately said, "Mine's a throwaway."
"This probably won't work, either..." Pinkie sadly said as she and Trixie gave their cards to Sunset.
"At this point, probably not this one, either," I said, doing the same thing as both mares and eventually everyone else.
"We ready?" Sunset soon asked, to which everyone else nodded, "Great! Let's go. What never fails to liven up the party? The amount of gay I am. Ha! Nice! Free ice cream, yo."
"Wouldn't it already be free?" Starlight asked.
"Yep," Sunset replied, "Anyway, gift-wrapping a live hamster. What?? No! Who would do something like that? Spontaneous equine combustion. Uhhh...I don't think so. Assless chaps. If we were doing this where I've been living for the past several years, that could possibly work, but not this time. A mime having a stroke. Mmmmmmm...nah. Who had the amount of gay I am?"
"I did..." Maud blankly replied.
"Wow! Way to go, Maud!" Pinkie said to her sister, "My card had nothing against that one!"
"Are we ready for the next one?" Starlight asked us as she reached for the stack of black cards.
"Have at it!" Shining said in response.
"Okay, let's see what's next," Starlight continued, drawing the next card, "In its new tourism campaign, Griffonstone proudly proclaims that it has finally eliminated _____."
"Oooo! Oooo!" Pinkie exclaimed, frantically waving a forehoof in the air, "I know the answer!"
"But do you have the right card?" I asked the party pony.
Pinkie stopped flailing her hoof once I had brought that up. "Good call..." she replied, looking at her supply of white cards, "Uhhh...not quite..." She then slid a random card in.
"Well, I've got the same problem," I said back to the pink pony next to me, "I'm throwing this one away."
"I'm just playing this because I don't wanna see it anymore," Shining said, cringing as he played his card.
Starlight soon had all of the cards for this reading. "Let's see..." she continued, "In its new tourism campaign, Griffonstone proudly proclaims that it has finally eliminated sniffing glue. Nah. It has finally eliminated child abuse."
"Ugh..." Sunset grunted while clenching her teeth together.
"It has finally eliminated suicidal thoughts. Hmmm... I...guess that could work? It has finally eliminated ripping a...dog in half..."
"Aw, come on... Not that one..." I said.
I then felt Pinkie tap my right arm with a forehoof. "Remember Fluttershy's reaction when she saw that card?" she asked me, giggling lightly.
"Yeah, but..." I began to reply, "It's not that funny."
"It has finally eliminated clogging the toilet every time you use it. Haha! That's kinda funny!"
"Does that place even have plumbing?" Shining asked.
"It sure does!" Pinkie replied.
"How?" I asked, "Isn't that place, like, really high up in the mountains?"
"Yep! And I don't know...They just do!" I shrugged in response.
"It has finally eliminated a lamprey swimming up the toilet and latching onto your taint."
"Ouch!" Trixie said.
"Yeah, that's a little extreme. Who had clogging the toilet every time you use it?"
"That's mine!" Sunset replied, grabbing the card in her magic, even though it was just a foreleg's length away.
Trixie then took the next card in her own magic, but when she saw what it said, her eyes went wide.
Wondering why the unicorn was remaining silent, I asked, "What's up, Trixie?"
Her response was an evil smile before she said, "Oh, I'm so glad I drew this! In her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from _____!"
"You're kidding!" I exclaimed, being the only one here who knew the majority of the cards that had been edited for this edition of the game, "You actually drew that one?!?"
"I most certainly did!" Trixie replied, showing me the card's text. I couldn't believe that she had actually done it.
"Well, let me just say right now that I do not have the correct answer."
"And that would be...?" Trixie asked.
"A manticore," I replied.
"Oh, right..." the magician finished.
"Well, this one's pretty close to that..." Maud said, giving Trixie her card.
"I think this'll win me the game," Shining said, chuckling as he passed his card to the unicorn to his right.
"Well, then," Trixie continued, "Let's see what you have all given Trixie. In her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from an...icepick lobotomy. Well, that was very much subpar... In her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from wifely duties!"
"Pffft ...HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" I laughed, "That was too good!"
"In her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from the tiger that killed my father. That would certainly be a challenge. In her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from an alternate universe in which boxes store things inside of ponies. Hmmm... Interesting... In her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from a vagina that leads to another dimension! Now that sounds like something she would attempt!"
"How big would it be?" I asked, giggling.
"A-hahaha..." Trixie replied, acting jokingly amused at my comment, "Anyway, in her newest and most difficult stunt, The Great and Powerful Trixie must escape from an unhinged ferris wheel rolling toward the sea. That could also work. Let's see..." The unicorn then took a good look at her options. After all, this card was all about her, so I knew she would go for the answer that would create the most skillful stunt.
After about 20 seconds, Trixie finally asked, "Who had a vagina that leads to another dimension?"
"MEEEEE!!!!!" Pinkie exclaimed with glee.
"What?!? Come on!!" Shining yelled, slamming his forehooves on the table, "Wifely duties was perfect!"
"Ahem..." Trixie replied, clearing her throat while looking at the stallion, "Trixie will have you know that she is not married."
"Does that even matter???"
"To Trixie, it does. Now move along, if you would, Shining Armor. You're the next Card Czar."
Shining grunted in frustration. "Ugh... FINE..." the stallion dejectedly replied. He then drew the next card with his magic and said, "In 12,000 moons, when bits are a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?"
"This one makes too much sense to work," Starlight said as she passed her card to the prince.
"Mine's not that good, either..." Maud said as she did the same thing.
"Mine may not work, but it's still pretty funny," Pinkie said as she emulated her sister's actions.
After sighing, Shining said, "Alright, here we go." I had to assume he was really looking forward to winning the game with the last card, plus the fact that he would have to wait one turn before he had his next chance. "In 12,000 moons," he continued, "When bits are a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services? Jobs. Well...that does work, actually. Powerful thighs. I guess... Emotions. Nah. Used panties. Ha!"
"Wooo!!!" I yelled, "Nice one!"
"My machete."
"Ooooo..." came the voice of Pinkie Pie.
"And finally, boring vaginal sex. Nice effort, but used panties wins."
"Yes!" Sunset exclaimed, "Watch out, Shining! I'm one away from catching you!" The stallion only clenched his teeth and growled in reply, making a few of us giggle.
It was then Maud's turn to draw a card, which she immediately did. "Why was school closed today?" she blankly asked.
"Shortage of high-quality mineral rocks?" I randomly asked.
"Probably..." Maud replied without emotion.
"Please work ..." I heard Shining whisper as he gave his card to the mare on his right.
It didn't take long for Maud to receive the six cards. "Okay," she continued, "Why was school closed today? Whipping a disobedient slave. Probably not. A turd."
"Ha!" Sunset laughed.
"Gross!" Trixie exclaimed.
"Crumbs all over the damn carpet. That's too easy to fix. The folly of ponykind."
"OOOOO!!!!!" Pinkie moaned, covering her mouth with her forehooves.
"Sounds like a rather devastating scenario," Trixie mentioned.
"Old-pony smell. That's what air fresheners are for... The day the birds attacked. I suppose that could work..." The rock farmer then remained silent as she looked over her options. "I'm going with the folly of ponykind."
"Sweet!" I exclaimed, glad to have finally gotten another card. We were already in round seven, and only now had I received my fifth Awesome Point.
"Okay, let's see what's up next!" Pinkie said as she reached for the next card, "I get by with a little help from _____."
"Great..." Shining said, sounding frustrated with himself, "This isn't gonna work..."
It only took about seven seconds, much to my surprise, for everyone to give Pinkie their answers. After shuffling them, Pinkie began to read the cards off. "I get by with a little help from bouncing up and down. It's true!" Pinkie said as she began doing exactly what the card said.
"That...That's probably the only time I've seen that card make any sort of logical sense whatsoever," I said.
Sitting back down, Pinkie said, "I get by with a little help from a falcon with a cap on its head. Maybe. I get by with a little help from Appleoosian chicken farmers. Well, I do use eggs for a lot of things, so that's definitely a contender. I get by with a little help from unsheathing my massive cock." While most of the others laughed, my mind was instantly flooded with pictures and stories of a futanari Pinkie Pie happily going about her day, completely oblivious to everypony else being completely grossed out by what was under her barrel. This was definitely not the time for those thoughts...
"I get by with a little help from..." Pinkie then paused, eyeing the white card in her hoof once again. Then, speaking in a voice that wasn't too dissimilar to Rarity's while flinging her mane to each side of her head, the party pony said, "I get by with a little help from being fabulous!" I couldn't help but laugh at how well she imitated her fashionista friend. She then went back to speaking in her normal voice as she said, "I get by with a little help from giving 110%. Hmmm... If I was Twilight, I'd probably go with that one, but you know, bouncing up and down just works so well! Who had that one?"
"Me!" Sunset exclaimed, officially moving into a tie for first place with Shining Armor.
"Shoot!" the stallion yelled.
"Did you just get three points in one round?" I asked. Said occurrence hadn't happened since round 1.
"Yep!" the yellow-orange unicorn giddily replied.
"Well, now I don't wanna take a break until I win," Shining said, "Can we just keep going nonstop until we have a winner?" he asked me.
"As long as it's okay with everypony else," I replied. I immediately, however, received nods from the five mares at the table, all of them silently giving me the go-ahead. "Well, then," I continued, "Let's keep going!"
Author's Note
After seven rounds, the scores are:
Me: 5
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 9: Down to the wire...
With three possible winners on the very next card, I got right into starting the next round by drawing the top black card from the stack. "With enough time and pressure," I began, hoping to not hear it from Trixie this time around, "_____ will turn into _____."
"Oh, I don't wanna play this..." Pinkie sadly said, "But it's the only combo I have..."
"Mine probably won't work..." Shining unenthusiastically said while giving me his 2 cards.
I soon had 12 cards in front of me and immediately began reading them. "With enough time and pressure," I continued, "A crappy little hoof will turn into a Hearth's Warming stocking full of coleslaw. Wait, what?? That's ridiculous!"
"Isn't that the point of the game?" Maud blankly asked. I couldn't believe Maud of all ponies would bring that up.
After sighing, I said, "You're right. Anyway, with enough time and pressure, a boo-boo will turn into one unforgettable night of passion. Geez, that's an odd way to reveal a BDSM fetish. With enough time and pressure, the placenta will turn into a shiny rock that proves I love you. I'll think about it. With enough time and pressure, a crazy little thing called love will turn into treasure beyond your wildest dreams."
"Awww..." came the voices of Pinkie, Sunset, and Trixie.
"With enough time and pressure, blowjobs for everyone will turn into an...unforgettable...cutesieañera..."
"NNNNGH..." Shining mumbled.
"Wow... Didn't see that coming..." Sunset said.
"With enough time and pressure, the swim team, all at once will turn into a tribe of warrior mares. Good, but no. I'm gonna be sweet for once and go with the love and treasure cards."
"That was mine!" Starlight happily replied. I had to admit, that was probably the least offensive answer I had ever seen in anything Cards Against Humanity-related.
Once Starlight had her point, Sunset drew the next card with her magical aura. "Help me doctor, I've got _____ in my butt!" she said.
"Mine's a throwaway..." Maud said as she gave Sunset her card.
"I think mine makes enough sense to work," Starlight said as she did the same thing as Maud.
"Be careful," I said to the light lavender unicorn, "The answer that makes the most sense usually doesn't win." Starlight had no response.
"Okay, let's see what we've got," Sunset said as the sixth card made it in front of her, "Help me doctor, I've got a micropig wearing a tiny raincoat and booties in my butt!"
"Awww..." Pinkie moaned as her mane deflated slightly, "Really?"
"Help me doctor, I've got nothing in my butt!"
"How ironic..." Maud mentioned.
"Help me doctor, I've got..." she then paused for a few seconds. Eventually, Sunset facehoofed and said, "I've got doo-doo in my butt..."
"Hahaha!!!" Shining and I audibly laughed.
"Help me doctor, I've got such a big colt in my butt!"
"Gee, Sunset," I began, feeling as mischievous as Discord, "I didn't realize you loved taking it up the ass!" This caused a few others to laugh.
"Hahaha..." Sunset laughed in feign as she rolled her eyes, "Help me doctor, I've got...just the tip in my butt..."
"See what I mean? Huh? Huh?" I asked the others, to which I received more giggles.
"Help me doctor, I've got a box-shaped mare in my butt! Nah. You know, I think I'll go with such a big colt."
"Sweet!" I replied. I was ecstatic to be in a tie for first place. Only Starlight, Trixie, and Maud had yet to score 9 points.
"Well..." Starlight began while chuckling, "I think this has a good chance of being the final card. I tried _____ and hopelessly failed."
I was really glad to see this card. The first time I recalled seeing this card in play, one of my friends played 'existing' and won. It was truly a moment to remember. This time around, I didn't have that card, but I had something that I knew could easily win me the game in the next few minutes.
It took about fifteen seconds for Starlight to receive all six cards. "Okay," she continued, "I tried changing a pony's mind with logic and facts and hopelessly failed."
"Wow, that makes a lot of sense," Sunset said.
"It sure does," Starlight continued, "Anyway, I tried cuddling and hopelessly failed. Awww... That's too bad. I tried never having sex again and hopelessly failed."
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" I laughed, "YES!"
"I tried concealing a boner and hopelessly failed."
"Ha!" Shining began, "We stallions always have that problem!"
"I tried turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels and hopelessly failed. Well, I suppose that does sound difficult. Anyway, I tried wearing an octopus for a hat and hopelessly failed. Well, that's pretty accurate, but concealing a boner was really funny. I'll go with that one."
"Huzzah!" Trixie began, "The Great and Powerful Trixie survives!"
"What?!?" Shining asked, "No winner?!?"
"I guess not!" Pinkie replied.
"Boy," I began, "It's really gonna be interesting seeing how far this thing goes. I mean, wouldn't it be something if we all got to 9 before there was a winner?"
"Then you wouldn't be able to win!" Sunset said.
"Well, you're right about that ..." I replied.
"Okay, let's go on," Trixie said as she took the next card in the pile, "What killed my boner?"
"We're ending this now ..." Shining sternly mumbled as he gave his card to the unicorn to his right.
"Oh?" Starlight inquisitively asked as she gave Trixie her card.
"Yeah," Shining replied, "I don't see how mine can lose."
"We'll see about that..." Maud said to the stallion with a smile.
"Okay, are we ready?" Trixie eventually asked. We all nodded, so she began to read the cards. "What killed my boner? All my friends dying."
"Awww..." Pinkie said with a sad expression on her face.
"Shoot..." Shining said, "There goes my chance at winning..."
"The boners of the elderly."
"Haha!!" I laughed.
"No! That's vile! A lifetime of sadness."
There was a long silence...
"Why do all of these have to work so well?" Sunset asked.
"Who knows?" Trixie continued, "Anyway, half-assed foreplay. Can't argue with that... The dentist."
"Well played..." I said.
"Your weird brother. Wow, most of these worked one way or another. Hmmm..."
Since Trixie wasn't in the four-way tie for first place, there was only a 1 in 3 chance of her picking a card who belonged to somepony who had yet to reach 9 points. With each passing second, I grew increasingly more eager to hear what the blue unicorn's decision would be. I also prepared myself for another hilarious bout of rage from Shining Armor if Trixie were to pick either Maud's or Starlight's card.
It seemed like forever for Trixie to pick the winner, but we eventually heard her ask, "Who had all my friends dying?"
"Me..." Maud said, raising her right forehoof.
"SON OF A BITCH!!!!!" Shining screamed.
I was truly shocked to hear such a high-ranking member of the Royal Guard using such language, but at the same time, it was perfectly appropriate for this game. "Wow, Shining," I began, "How do you know that phrase? I figured it only existed in my world."
Shining groaned, still frustrated that there was now a five-way tie for first place. "Let's just say Discord's visited the Crystal Empire one too many times..." he eventually replied.
"Oh..." I responded, not needing any more information from the white stallion across from me.
After exhaling for several seconds straight, Shining ignited his horn with magic and picked up the next card. "Money can't buy me love," he began, "But it can buy me _____."
"Please forgive Trixie, Shining Armor," Trixie began, a coy grin on her face as she gave the stallion her card, "But this game will not be ending anytime soon..."
"Yeah, it will," I said in response as I gave Shining my card.
"No, it won't!" Trixie shot back.
"Whatever you say, Trixie..." I replied, throwing my palms up.
"You know," Shining began again, "As much as I'd like to win, all this suspense is just stressing me out, so I'm probably just gonna go with some random card so we can end this. Anyway, money can't buy me love, but it can buy me vigilante justice. Nah. Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me flightless birds. Maybe. Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me a really cool hat. I guess that works. Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me 40 acres and a mule." Twilight and I had obviously opted to keep that card in this edition, despite me forgetting what '40 acres and a mule' actually meant. "Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me an oversized lollipop."
"There you go!" Pinkie began, "There's something for Flurry Heart to enjoy!"
Shining smiled. "Yeah, you're right. Anyway, money can't buy me love, but it can buy me the biggest, blackest dick."
"Finally!" I yelled.
"Hahaha!!!" Shining laughed, "Oh, Twiley and Cadance told me all about this card!"
"It's about freakin' time we saw that!" I continued in reply.
"I almost forgot about that card!" Pinkie mentioned, "Fluttershy was the Card Czar when it was played!"
"Okay, this ended on a really funny note," Shining finished, "Who had the biggest, blackest dick?"
"Once again, The Great and Powerful Trixie hangs on!" Trixie proclaimed as she threw her forelegs in the air.
"Nice one, Trixie!" I said to the unicorn, "Sorry about earlier. If I had known you'd played that card, I wouldn't have started an argument."
The blue magician smiled at me and replied, "Trixie forgives you."
"Thanks," I finished with a smile.
With it now possible for all of us to reach 9 at the end of the round, my adrenaline levels rose considerably. Of course, I, like the others, wanted to win, but actually pulling off going 9 rounds with no winner was something I was desperate to witness.
As Trixie added her eighth Awesome Point to her stack, Maud drew the next black card from the stack and said, "I went from _____ to _____, all thanks to _____. Draw 2, Pick 3."
"Okay, everypony, I'm sure you all know the drill by now," I said.
"Absolutely," Trixie replied.
"Yep!" Sunset said.
This card had turned up at a very opportune time. Since it involved each player picking 3 cards, the suspense would be drawn out even further. Back home, it took upwards of a minute for my pals to each submit an answer. The same went for me right at this moment, as I couldn't find the cards to put together a decent combo with. Come to think of it, it worked, but parts of it were rather vague.
After close to a minute, like I had expected, Maud had 18 white cards in front of her, not including her own. One by one, she began to read them off. "I went from walking into a glass door to unquestioning obedience, all thanks to eating together like a damn family for once. I'm not too sure about that one. I went from three consecutive seconds of happiness to catastrophic urethral trauma, all thanks to ejaculating live bees and the bees are angry."
"Ouch!" Trixie yelled.
"Ha! That was pretty good!" I said, "I mean, it'd probably pertain more to males, but wow , was that funny!" Anytime the last card in that particular combo showed up, whether here or back home, everyone playing got a good laugh out of it.
"I went from syphilitic insanity to depression, all thanks to a sad fat dragon with no friends." Never in my life had I been happier to not have Spike here right now. "I went from burning down a hospital to daddy issues, all thanks to epically failing at life."
"Wow..." Sunset said.
"That's a really sad life, if you ask me..." Starlight followed up.
"I went from whispering all sexy to running off into the sunset, all thanks to the gays. I'm not quite seeing how that works... I went from these low, low prices to unfathomable stupidity, all thanks to ambiguous sarcasm." Once she finished, Maud carefully looked over her options.
I truly felt that this was it. The last three picks, in my opinion, were just coincidental luck. I was still in disbelief that we had managed to go this far into a game without a winner. The first game at my house didn't even come close to this, and the last game here at the castle only had two black cards played before a winner was declared. Now, if Maud somehow chose the combo played by either Starlight or Trixie, we would be on the verge of something that I never thought I would witness - 9 full rounds and still no winner. This game was really coming down to the wire, and at this point, I had to agree with Shining Armor with the fact that this suspense was stressing me out to no end. As much as I wanted this game to continue, I really hoped we would have a winner soon.
I didn't keep track of how long it took Maud to come to a final decision, but it felt like an eternity. My heart was pumping like crazy, hoping that my obscure combo had somehow won.
Finally, after staring at her choices for what seemed like forever, but in reality was only 45 seconds, Maud lifted her head and faced her sister. Picking up the black card, she said, "Pinkie, you win."
The pink party pony's eyes went wide. "Wh-What??" she asked with great anticipation, "Which one are you picking??"
"This one's yours, isn't it?" Maud asked as she slid the combo beginning with 'Three consecutive seconds of happiness' in front of her little sister.
The gray pony's actions caused the pink pony to gasp loudly. "IT IS!!" Pinkie began to cheer, "IT IS!! I WIN!!!" She then started bouncing all around the room, even bouncing on the table multiple times.
"What?? Come on!" Shining yelled again.
"How did you know that was hers?" Sunset asked the gray mare.
"Maud Sense..." Maud replied.
Ceasing her bouncing as she came up next to the yellow-orange unicorn, Pinkie calmly said, "It runs in the family," before returning to her personal celebratory antics.
Sunset only sat there with a look of confusion on her face. "I'm not even gonna ask..." she said to Starlight to which the light lavender mare responded by shaking her head a few times.
"I can't believe it! I actually won! This calls for a huge party!" Pinkie continued. I felt that she was going to explode into a million pieces of confetti any second now.
"Whoa, hold up, Pinkie," I began, "Aren't you forgetting about something?"
This caused the pink earth pony to cease her erratic bouncing. "Oh, you're right!" she replied, "We still have to make a haiku, don't we?"
"Yep," I replied, reaching for the box under the table. Since Pinkie had possession of the game box before giving it over to me at the beginning, I had hoped she had separated the 'Make a haiku' card from the rest of them, but as I examined the box, it was nowhere to be found.
"Uhhh... Pinkie?" I began to ask, "Do you know where the...?"
"Right here!" Pinkie replied as she pulled the card I was looking for out of her poofy, cotton candy-like mane. She then put it in front of me on the table before saying, "Okay, everyone! We're gonna need to draw 2 more cards again!"
"And, just for the record," I said, "You're not required to make a literal 5-7-5 haiku."
"Good," a certain blue unicorn replied, "Because Trixie doesn't have the right cards to do so."
Once again, I looked over the 12 cards in my hand. I had a couple of cards that were customs from back home, but it turned out that I didn't need them, as I soon found three cards that formed a rather sad, but functional, 'haiku'.
I set my three cards in front of myself on the table while I waited for the others to do the same. It took about a minute, but we were eventually ready to go. "I'll start again," I said, picking up my three cards, "Being paralyzed from the neck down, a toxic family environment, another shitty year."
"Wow..." Starlight said.
Sunset then picked up her cards and began to read them. "Mine says..."
No one said a thing. Amidst one constantly blank expression, there were many wide eyes and open mouths. Trixie was the first to do anything, putting her hoof over her mouth and mumbling, "Excuse me," before teleporting herself to what I assumed would be the bathroom. I felt like doing the same thing.
"Ewww!!!" Pinkie yelled.
"That's horrible!" Starlight followed up. Shining only grunted and turned his head to the side, bringing a hoof up to partially block his vision.
"Really, Sunset??" I asked.
"What? It's all I had!" the unicorn replied as Trixie reappeared in the dining room.
"Trixie would advise you all to not use the nearby restroom anytime soon..." she said, a look of disgust still on her face.
After another brief silence, Starlight hesitantly picked up her cards. "Okay, then..." she said, "A stallion on the brink of orgasm, scrotal frostbite, bees?"
It was now Trixie's turn to read her haiku. "Being born with two fully-functioning penises, my hot cousin, not being sure what to do to her under the covers."
"Hahaha!!!" Shining laughed, "Nice! Mine says, 'Being a motherfucking box, a box within a box, being on fire'."
"Poor box..." Maud said before picking up her cards, "Coat hanger abortions, throwing a virgin into a volcano, survivor's guilt."
"Ooooo..." I moaned, covering my face with one hand.
Pinkie then read her haiku. "Wiping her butt, the passage of time, whipping it out."
"Uhhh... Okay?" Starlight said.
"Alright, let's all decide who wins," I spoke.
"I think we should rule out Starlight's," Sunset immediately said.
"Pinkie's as well," Trixie said.
"You know, I don't think mine's all that great at this point," Shining admitted.
"Hmmm..." I spoke again, "The rest of these all seem rather decent, although Maud's is a little iffy. I'm not sure if throwing a virgin into a volcano or having an abortion would cause survivor's guilt."
"Yeah," Starlight said, "That doesn't sound very likely."
"Okay," I replied, "So that leaves three - mine, Sunset's, and Trixie's."
"Oooo! I have an idea!" Pinkie interjected.
"What's up?" I asked the party pony.
"How about Starlight, Shining, Maud, and I go into a corner and decide for ourselves?"
I thought about her idea for a few seconds before replying, "Sure, that sounds good. Go right ahead!"
"Great!" Pinkie finished before she and the other aforementioned ponies went to the side of the room and huddled up.
I really couldn't decide between the three remaining haikus. Although Sunset's was extremely disgusting, I felt it still had a chance at winning. Trixie's was pretty hilarious once I thought about it, and mine was basically a crappy lifestyle. I knew there'd be a bit of surprise in the air once the winner was decided.
After less than a minute, the four ponies came back to the table. "So," I began, "Who won?"
"You did!" Pinkie replied, pointing at me with a hoof.
My eyes widened a little. "Really?? How?"
"Well, Sunset's was just gross , there's an easy solution to Trixie's, and yours just worked out perfectly enough for us all to like it!"
I hadn't won this card in quite some time, and I was very honored to have done so right now. "Wow, thanks!" I replied.
"You're welcome!" Pinkie said in return, "Now come on! We've gotta get my victory party set up!" She then started bouncing out of the room, presumably to head to Sugar Cube Corner and other nearby locations for party supplies and refreshments. This was going to be an interesting party...
Author's Note
Let's hear it for our winner, Pinkie Pie! *imagines applause*
At this point, I cannot say for certain whether or not I will do another one of these. I thought 2 was enough, initially, but now that I've done three, plus all the positive feedback I've received over this series, I'm just not sure what to expect from here on out. However, if I do decide to make another one of these stories, I'll be sure to let you all know.
Here are the final scores:
Me: 9 (plus 'Make a haiku')
Here are everyone's remaining cards:
Me:
Sunset:
SG:
Trixie:
SA:
Maud:
Pinkie:
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
While the sky outside was full of stars, all the lights and lamps were on in Twilight's dining room, as the party Pinkie had thrown in celebration of her winning the game was in full swing, though almost over. Aside from the ones who had just finished playing, the others attending the party included the rest of the Mane 6, aside from Rainbow Dash, as we had all assumed she was too hungover to tolerate the intensity of Pinkie's parties. Of course, the party pony herself - from what she had told me - was a little sad that her cyan friend wouldn't be attending, but at the same time, she had to admit that it wouldn't be that much more fun if Dash wasn't completely herself.
Twilight and Shining were in one corner of the room talking about both the game and the excursion in Equestria's capital city. I had overheard the Princess of Friendship saying that she and Cadance couldn't do everything they had planned due to the fact that little Flurry Heart had yet to visit Canterlot, which resulted in nearly the entire population of the city wanting to find the group and get a real-life glimpse of the new princess.
I had to assume by the way the purple alicorn was giggling at one point that despite her slight disappointment regarding her plans not going as planned, Twilight was instantly cheered up by the various happenings from the game that Shining had told her about. She had every reason to act the way she did, as there were times where it took myself a while to regain my composure after hearing a hilarious card placement.
Since this was a Pinkie-centered party, the pink pony was constantly telling everyone how happy she was with winning the game. It got a little annoying after a while, but all the refreshments she had provided made up for it. Even though I was regretting how much I had eaten throughout the party, part of me felt it was completely worth it to sample the amazing products of Pinkie Pie's - plus the Cakes' - amazing baking skills.
As I looked around, I wished that Rainbow Dash had come, because many of the guests had taken the time to hear Maud's experience with the game. She had briefly mentioned most of the cards she had either drawn or read, and I knew it had to be her annunciation of such lewd and obnoxious scenarios in her monotone voice that really got ponies laughing.
When there were about 30 minutes left in the party, I went over by the entrance to the dining room, where Pinkie was just finishing up a conversation with Applejack, and addressed her. "Hey, Pinkie," I began, "This party was really awesome, but I'm starting to get kinda exhausted. I need to go upstairs and lie down."
"Sure!" the pink pony chirped in reply, "As long as you enjoyed yourself!"
"Thanks," I replied.
Just then, right as I began to turn to go out the door, another pony's head popped in through the doorway. "Hey, Pinkie!" came a voice that I knew I hadn't heard in quite some time. When I looked at the pony, I realized she was a green-eyed, sea foam green-colored unicorn mare with a white and light green mane. "Sorry I'm late," she continued, "Bon Bon and I had to..." she paused as she looked up at me. Her eyes went wide and her pupils shrank, all while her mouth dropped open in shock.
I knew who was in front of me, and I knew why she was acting the way she was.
"They exist..." Lyra whispered. "THEY EXIST!!!!!" she subsequently bellowed as she leapt up high on her hooves, her vocal volume higher than Pinkie's shouting voice. She immediately sprung forward excitedly and tackled me to the ground. As my back hit the stone floor, I grunted before looking up and seeing an over-ecstatic unicorn pinning me down, her tail wagging as furiously as a dog about to receive its favorite meal times 100. Lyra's smile was wider than I had ever seen, which made me wonder when I was gonna get out of this situation.
"OHMYGOSHICAN'TBELIEVEYOU'REHERINEQUESTRIA!!!!" the unicorn said in rapid succession as she stayed on top of me.
When the unicorn followed up by asking me a barrage of questions that I couldn't understand, I knew she wouldn't be leaving me alone anytime soon. Realizing my predicament, combined with the ongoing discomfort in my stomach, I had only one thing on my mind. "It's gonna be a long night ..."
Author's Note
Well, that's it. Another game has gone, and another entry into this series has come to an end. I really hope you all enjoyed this game as much as the others, despite the fact that I, myself, felt that this was not as funny as the other two.
I apologize if this final chapter seemed short. Personally, I feel that it could have been longer, but I didn't want to keep putting it off.
Thanks for reading and I'll see you guys next time!
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By the way...Sunset's haiku was:
Ass to mouth, Literally eating shit, Making a pouty face.
Have fun with the images in your head...
Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
I saw nothing but blackness as I awoke. In recent years, I had developed a tendency to wake up and not open my eyes, as the first things that would usually pop into my head would be easier for me to visualize if my eyes were closed. There were too many such thoughts for me to list right off the bat. Trust me, however, they weren't anything unpleasant.
As my senses slowly came back to me, I knew that something wasn't right. Amidst the warmth that surrounded me under the blanket, I could feel an unfamiliar material caressing parts of my body. Plus, as I felt around with one of my arms, I realized that my bed was wider than normal, which led me to one conclusion - this was not my bed.
I could also feel a slight tugging sensation somewhere on the sheets, making me think that they were either tucked in really tightly or someone else was in bed with me, or at least sitting on it.
As I continued to lay on my back, I slowly let my eyes drift open, the brightness of the sun being the first to hit my corneas, instinctively causing me to shut my eyes. After about 5 seconds, I gradually opened them again, but this time, a vague, pink blur surrounded my vision. As my eyes continued to open, I realized that whatever was above me wasn't a blur, as I could immediately make out some distinct features that I knew I had seen somewhere before.
Right as my eyes completely came into focus, a high-pitched voice filled my ear canals. "You're awake!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, bouncing up and down on the bed.
The pink party pony's antics startled me greatly. "Whoa, what??? Pinkie??" I asked in a loud voice, "What are you doing here???"
Pinkie stopped bouncing as she giggled and replied, "Waiting for you to wake up and come to the party, silly!"
"Wh-What?" I asked again, still not completely awake, "What party?"
"The party for that game you and Twilight made!"
I paused for a few seconds. "Oh. That game?"
"Yepparooni!" Pinkie finished.
As the party pony finished speaking, I took a look at my surroundings, realizing that I was, in fact, not in my own bedroom, but what appeared to be one of the many sleeping quarters of Twilight's castle.
As I glanced around the room, the door opened, and in walked the very pony whom I had worked on the new edition of Cards Against Humanity with. "Pinkie," Twilight said, "Maud's here!"
"Whoopee!" Pinkie exclaimed in reply, "She's gonna have so much fun!"
As Pinkie audibly bounced out of the room, I looked at Twilight and wondered what the heck was going on, even though I kinda already knew the answer.
"Twilight, how did I get here?" I asked the princess.
"Oh, I just came your world and transported you here in your sleep!" she replied, "I was just too excited about this launch party that I didn't want to wait until you woke up, and I wanted to get you here as soon as I could because I've already arranged a game for you to play once we're finished!"
Though I was annoyed that I had been transported to Equestria without any advance notice, I couldn't help but grow excited at the prospect of another game, especially now that there was a version that ponies played.
"You have? Who's playing? Are you?"
"Actually, no. Spike and I have to go to Canterlot after the party. We're gonna be spending the afternoon with Cadance and Flurry Heart."
"Oh, nice!" I replied, "I hope you have a good time!"
"Thanks, but don't say that now! Come on! We gotta get downstairs for the launch party!"
"Oh, right," I replied. I then looked to my right, only to be slightly disgusted and creeped out by the fact that the clothes I had worn yesterday were sitting neatly folded on the bedside table. "Uhhh...Twilight, where did you find these?" I asked as I pointed to yesterday's outfit.
"Easy!" Twilight said while smiling, "They were at the bottom of your closet!"
When the princess finished, I couldn't help but shiver and blush. I could only imagine what she had seen in my closet... There was so much in there that I didn't want her to see...
"Uhhh...Thanks?" I replied, "I'll be down in five minutes."
By the time the party was over, Rainbow Dash, who had been anticipating the release of this new game more than most of the other ponies, had drank way too much cider. It was fine, though, because Twilight had not planned for her to play in the upcoming game. Still, it was hilarious to see the normally active and sleek pegasus acting so tipsy and foolish.
I had also met more ponies that, up until that point, I had only observed on the small screen. They included Starlight Glimmer, Maud Pie, and Trixie. Trixie, for some reason, had acted as if she was the slightest bit annoyed to be at the party, but since Twilight had invited her to try out the game, I concluded that the great and powerful unicorn wanted to just get it over with so she could get to her next show. Plus, she had just become friends with Starlight, so I knew she would have at least a small amount of comfort and/or familiarity.
My short conversation with Maud was mainly centered around the rocky material that Twilight's castle was made out of. I had assumed it was made out of lavender crystals, but she had proved me otherwise - to an extent.
As for Starlight, she only wanted to talk about how her lessons with Twilight were going, plus what she had been doing with Sunburst in her spare time. I was really happy with the way things had turned out for her.
Right after Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy helped haul a very drunken Dash out of the castle, Twilight re-entered her dining room - where the party had taken place - with a yellow-orange unicorn that I knew all too well, though not quite as a pony. The princess then introduced me to her former foe, and I was very glad to have the chance to meet her.
"Nice to meet you, Sunset," I said to the human-turned-unicorn as I shook her hoof.
"Same here," she replied, looking somewhat excited, "I really hope this game turns out to be something great. From what Twilight told me, this sounds a lot like a game that some of my friends at Canterlot High have."
"Oh?" I asked in return. I was surprised that the place she had come from had a game that was either Cards Against Humanity itself or some weird variation, like the one we were about to indulge in for the first time.
"Yep! I'm really eager to get started!" Sunset finished.
"Me, too!" Pinkie butted in, seeming to appear out of nowhere, "How about you, Maud," the party pony asked, turning to face her older sister.
"Can't wait..." the gray mare replied in her monotone voice, "Boulder says he's eager, as well," she finished while holding her pet rock in her right forehoof.
I found it slightly odd that we would be having a rock play this game with us, but at the same time, I knew I could lead to some outrageous shenanigans.
Just then, a lower male voice came from the doorway. "Twiley?" the voice asked, "Are you in here?" I instantly knew who it was.
"Shining Armor! You came!" Twilight said in excitement as she zoomed to the dining room's entryway and gave her BBBFF a big bear hug.
"Hey, sis!" the white stallion replied, "Great to see 'ya!"
"Quick! Get over here! There's someone I want you to meet!" The purple alicorn then brought the white unicorn over to me, and then I introduced myself to the Prince of the Crystal Empire. On the small screen and in real life, Shining Armor was a really nice guy. He looked like he had gotten an acceptable amount of rest on the way to Ponyville, as I knew that Flurry Heart had been keeping both him and Cadance up all night more than once.
"Sooo...Is everyone here?" I asked Twilight.
"Yep!" she replied, "You guys have a good game!"
"Wait, hang on, Twilight," I said, stopping the princess in her tracks, "Please tell me Spike wasn't somewhere in the castle while this was happening."
"Oh, don't worry, he's been out with the Cutie Mark Crusaders all morning."
"Good," I replied, relieved that the young dragon had not been around for a party regarding something he was too young for, "See 'ya, Twilight!" I said, waving goodbye.
"Bye, Twi!" Sunset followed up.
"BYE!" Pinkie Pie said, loudly.
"Bye, everyone!" the alicorn replied as she left the room and eventually the castle altogether.
After that, I was alone with the six ponies whom I would be playing Cards Against Equinity, the name Twilight and I had chosen, with. There was only one problem, though. There was no game in sight.
"Uhhh...Anypony know where...?"
"Right here!" Pinkie gleefully exclaimed, appearing to pull the box out of thin air.
I stood there frozen for a few seconds. "I'm not even gonna ask... " I thought to myself. "Alright," I continued, clapping my hands together once, "Let's see what we've got here." After Pinkie set the big, black box, which looked very similar to the long, rectangular box that I kept my own cards in, on the table, I opened it. Inside the box was a somewhat familiar sight. There was a large stack of white cards and a smaller stack of black cards. I knew none of them were blank cards with hoofwriting on them, but I knew that a few of my own custom cards from back home had been included in this game as actual cards that would come with every box set.
"Nice! This looks great!' I said, "Okay, let's go over the rules."
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" Pinkie called out, waving her hoof frantically, "Can I tell them the rules?? Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleeeeeeeease?????"
"Do you remember them all?" I asked the party pony.
"Of course! How could I forget the rules of a game that was so much fun?!?!?" she asked in reply.
"Good point ..." I thought to myself. I then allowed Pinkie Pie to explain the rules of the game, all while I separated the white cards into separate stacks and placed the stack of black cards in the center.
Once Pinkie had finished, she had explained every rule except the rule for determining who goes first, as she was just like me in the sense that she didn't want to hear the rule out loud.
"You know, why don't you just start the game like you did last time?" Pinkie asked me.
"Is everypony okay with that?" I asked the others.
"Fine by me..." Maud flatly replied.
"Trixie thinks she can handle that," the blue magician said to me.
"Go ahead!" Starlight said.
"Alright, then," I continued, "Let's...Oh, wait, I forgot, we each need to draw 10 white cards." I felt silly for not reminding everypony to do that, as I had thought Pinkie would have taken care of that.
Each of us did as I said. As I looked at my opening cards, I was somewhat satisfied with what I had. Since I had helped Twilight make this game, all these cards were familiar to me, but even so, I knew that there would be several laughing fits in the next few minutes.
I looked around and saw the six ponies looking at their respective cards. Shining Armor, Sunset, and Trixie all had wide eyes, and, if it weren't for her lifestyle, I'm sure Maud would have done the same. Starlight, on the other hand, didn't have a terrified look on her face. "Hmmm...Not bad," she said. I had to assume she hadn't drawn any explicit or offensive cards.
All of a sudden, the three ponies who had wide eyes began laughing.
"Ha! I should have expected this!" Shining said, "Twiley told me all about what was in this game!"
"Same here!" Sunset said while giggling, "I didn't realize this was what Twilight was telling me about."
"Okay, Trixie apologizes for acting unamused earlier!" Trixie said, also giggling, "She didn't anticipate anything this funny to be involved!"
"No problem, Trixie," I said.
"This should be interesting..." Maud said, her tone and facial expression preventing me from seeing how she felt about what she had.
"Okay, everypony ready?" I asked, to which I received six sequential nods, "Sweet! Let's go!"
Author's Note
Fillies and Gentlecolts, back by popular demand, I bring you the third installment of this series. I know I said I most likely wouldn't do this, but after the success of my last two stories, I figured I may as well do it all again.
Here are several things to note:
Any custom card of mine, like before, will be written in green text.
With that out of the way, sit back, relax (or at least try to), and enjoy the show!
Edit (4-30-16): I honestly had no idea of the kinship of Starlight and Trixie when writing this story, but I have edited this chapter slightly to where it takes place after "No Second Prances".
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Cards Against Equestria and the Surrounding Lands
Round 8: What Story Does Maud's Uncle Tell When He's Drunk?
Not wanting to displease anypony by waiting any longer, I got right into starting the eighth round by drawing the next black card. Once it was in front of my face, I said, "I'm Miss Baltimare, and if I could make the world better by changing one thing, I would get rid of _____."
"This," Shining Armor said with a hint of determination in his voice.
"Mine should be logical enough to beat all of yours..." Maud flatly stated as she gave me her card.
"Trixie's card is not as logical as it is heavily desired..." the blue unicorn said as she did the same as the gray earth pony.
"Same here," Starlight said in reply to her newest friend.
Pinkie and Sunset soon gave me their cards, rendering it possible for me to begin reading off the results. "I'm Miss Baltimare," I continued, "And if I could make the world better by changing one thing, I would get rid of dying. If only that was possible... I would get rid of a slightly shittier parallel universe. I think there'd be bigger problems than that. I would get rid of a low standard of living. Wow... Well played. I would get rid of meaningless sex."
"Seems legit..." Sunset said.
"I would get rid of pedophiles."
"Well, then... Looks like mine's not winning at this point," Starlight said, "That one works way too well."
"You're right, it does," I replied, "Anyway, I would get rid of erectile dysfunction. Hahaha!!! Yes! Who had that one?"
"Wait, really?? That's mine!" Starlight exclaimed, looking and sounding relieved.
"Rats..." Trixie mumbled.
"Okay, let's keep going," Sunset said as the next card became enveloped in her aura, "Having problems with _____? Try _____!"
"Mine's a throwaway..." Shining said, sounding very distressed.
"Mine's probably not gonna work, either," Pinkie said. My combo, on the other hand, I felt could easily win it all.
Sunset soon had twelve cards in front of her. "Alright," she continued, "Having problems with silence? Try the glass ceiling. I suppose that could work. Having problems with moderate-to-severe joint pain? Try unrelenting genital punishment." A couple of us giggled at the sad irony. "Having problems with accidentally hitting yourself in the balls? Try ripping into a stallion's chest and pulling out his still beating heart. Nah. Having problems with getting all offended? Try take-backsies."
"How the heck does that work?" I asked.
"It doesn't," Sunset replied, "Anyway, having problems with interspecies marriage? Try a big black dick! There we go! Having problems with boogers? Try a zero-risk way to make 2,000 bits from home. Nope. Who had the one with the big, black dick?"
"I did!" I replied, grabbing the card form the unicorn to my left. Getting an Awesome Point this early in the round gave me hope that this would finally be the round where I would get more than just one.
Once I had my point in my stack of other points, Starlight drew the next card. "Roses are red, violets are blue..." she began, "...I think of _____ when I think of you."
"Hehehe..." I laughed, evilly. This card was notorious for pitching out some insane results back home.
"Okay, I don't see any reason for this one to lose," Shining said as he gave his card to his sister's student.
"Okay, everyone ready?" Starlight eventually asked. She received six nods, so she turned her attention to the six cards she had just shuffled. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I think of taking a stallion's eyes and balls out and putting his eyes where his balls go and his balls in his eye sockets when I think of you. Ewww! What?!? No!" She immediately tossed the card aside. "Roses are red, violets are blue, I think of poor life choices when I think of you."
"Oooooo..." Pinkie said.
"That...that hurts..." Sunset spoke.
"It certainly does..." Trixie replied.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I think of sexual tension when I think of you. Ouch... Roses are red, violets are blue, I think of balls when I think of you. Hmmm... Depends on whose point of view this is from. Anyway, roses are red, violets are blue, I think of..." Her eyes immediately went wide while her cheeks turned as red as Big Macintosh. "...I think of mom when I think of you..." she finished.
"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!! NO WAY!" I yelled while I loudly laughed with most of the others. Whenever the 'mom' card showed up, the first thing to pop into my mind was the card that read, 'When all else fails, I can always masturbate to _____.' I had played 'mom' four times in that exact scenario, and I won 3 of those times, only because the Card Czar that one time was too literal to see the humor. One of my buddies had also play 'mom' in this scenario, which left me dumbfounded, but he lost to the card, 'how awesome I am'.
"Okay, I'll admit that was a little funny," Starlight continued, "Anyway, roses are red, violets are blue, I think of grandpa's ashes when I think of you. Okay... Not this time. I think I'll go with... Nah, I'll go with poor life choices."
"WHAT?!?!?" Shining screamed, "COME ON!!!"
"What did you play?" I asked the livid stallion.
"Mom!" he angrily replied. Never in my life had I seen Shining Armor so competitive. Neither Twilight nor Cadance had ever said anything about this side of him.
"Well, it just didn't work this time..." Starlight said. Shining only groaned in reply as we all continued looking at him.
After a short silence, Maud turned back to Starlight and said, "That was mine..."
As Maud was being given her Awesome Point, Trixie took possession of the next black card. "Why can't I sleep at night?" she asked.
Pinkie suddenly looked rather hesitant to put her card in. She eventually did, but not before whispering, "Please don't hate me for this, Trixie..."
"We'll see about that..." the blue magician replied as the rest of the cards were given to her, "Anyway, why can't I sleep at night? Indescribable loneliness."
"Wow..." I said.
"Well, at least not anymore!" Starlight said in attempted encouragement as she wrapped a foreleg around her most recent friend.
Trixie gave a light smile in reply. "Trixie thanks you wholeheartedly, Starlight Glimmer," she responded, "Anyway, the sweet song of sword against sword and the braying of mighty war beasts. Maybe. Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor."
"Ha!" Pinkie laughed.
"Wow, I can't imagine what it'd be like to be kept up all night by an urge to burp!" Sunset said.
"Neither can I..." Maud replied, emotionlessly.
"The euphoric rush of strangling a drifter. Clever, but not right this moment. Soup that is too hot. Trixie doesn't think so. Being a busy adult with important things to do. Okay, that was a valiant effort, but the winner is indescribable loneliness."
"Whoopee!!!" Pinkie cheered, throwing her forehooves in the air, "Now I'm tied with Shining and Sunset!"
"Aw, come on!" Shining exclaimed in frustration. Sunset, on the other hand, didn't seem taken aback by the fact that she was now in a three-way tie for the lead. I had to assume that one of the reasons was because one of ponies at 9 points was the upcoming Card Czar.
After regaining his composure, Shining took the next card in his magic and read it aloud. "Here at the Academy for Gifted Fillies and Colts," he said in a less-than-optimistic tone, "We allow students to explore _____ at their own pace."
"Mine's a throwaway," Sunset said, most likely sad at the fact that she probably wouldn't be winning the game right now.
"Heh...This 'oughta be funny..." I said as I gave my card to the only other male at the table.
"Okay, let's do this," Shining continued, "Here at the Academy for Gifted Fillies and Colts, we allow students to explore two whales fucking the shit out of each other at their own pace. Ha! I like that one! We allow students to explore my inner demons at their own pace."
"Ooooo..." Trixie said.
"We allow students to explore having a penis at their own pace."
"Hahaha!" Sunset laughed, throwing her head back slightly.
"We allow students to explore anal fissures like you wouldn't believe. Maybe. We allow students to explore the art of seduction at their own pace."
"Oh, Celestia!" Starlight exclaimed while laughing, "That was too good!"
"We allow students to explore laying an egg at their own pace. Nah. Who had the two whales?"
"I did!" Starlight replied, using her magic to claim her Awesome Point.
"Phew..." Shining quietly said to himself.
"You really wanna win this, don't you?" I asked the stallion.
"Oh, yeah," Shining competitively replied.
As our small conversation ended, Maud took the next card in her forehoof and said, "Every Hearth's Warming, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about _____."
"Oooo, that's a toughie!" Pinkie said in response as she glanced at her 10 cards, "Our uncle never comes over for Hearth's Warming!"
Given that information, I knew that each card played would have an equal chance at winning, so I picked a card that sounded suspicious and threw it in.
The gray earth pony soon had all of the cards she needed to continue. "Every Hearth's Warming," she began again, "My uncle gets drunk and tells the story about a for-real lizard that spits blood from its eyes." There were one or two chuckles at that. I knew that those types of lizards existed at home, but I didn't realize until Twilight found this card while we were making this game that they existed on this planet, as well.
"Every Hearth's Warming," Maud continued, "My uncle gets drunk and tells the story about a windmill full of corpses."
"That would be rather disturbing to hear each and every year," Trixie mentioned.
"I agree," Sunset replied.
"Every Hearth's Warming, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about being popular and good at sports. Well, then... He must have been quite the guy in high school. Every Hearth's Warming, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about destroying the evidence."
"Oooooo..." came the voices of several of us.
"Every Hearth's Warming, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about growing a pair."
"Haha!!" Starlight laughed.
"Every Hearth's Warming, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about savagely beating a mascot. That works, but it was read too late. Who had destroying the evidence?"
"That's me!" I exclaimed, happy that this was , in fact, the first round where I got more than one point.
Pinkie then enthusiastically grabbed the next card and said, "Coming to Bridleway this season, _____: The Musical."
"This," I said, confidently as I gave Pinkie my card.
"No, this ," Trixie said in response as she did the same thing.
"Actually, mine's going to put all of yours' under a pile of rocks..." Maud flatly said as she gave her card to her younger sister.
"Okay, what do we have here?" Pinkie asked herself as she began to read off the cards, "Coming to Bridleway this season, Crippling Social Anxiety: The Musical. Hmmm... Nah. They wouldn't have the courage to come out on stage, anyway. Coming to Bridleway this season, A 12-way: The Musical." Once again, Maud only smiled as the rest of us laughed hysterically.
"Oh, that's brilliant!" Starlight exclaimed amidst her laughing fit.
"Okay, you know what?" Shining said, also chuckling excessively, "I really wouldn't mind losing to that one."
Once we all got rid of all the giggles, Pinkie continued. "Coming to Bridleway this season, Celebrity Gangrape: The Musical."
"Ha!" Sunset laughed, "I'd sure love to see that !"
"Coming to Bridleway this season, Sudden Penis Loss: The Musical."
"Hahaha!!!" Shining laughed again, "That would probably win comedy of the year!"
"Coming to Bridleway this season, Letting Everyone Down: The Musical. Awww... That's sad... Anyway, coming to Bridleway this season, Police Brutality: The Musical."
"Ouch..." Trixie said.
"Yeah, that won't work. I think we can all agree that a 12-way was the best. Who had that one?"
"Yes!" I exclaimed, elated that I had somehow made it within one of the three-way tie.
After I added the black card to my stack, I asked, "I know I said we'd be going on nonstop, but does anyone need to do anything before we continue?"
"Nah, just keep going," Shining said rather quickly. I had to assume that he was frustrated with being at 9 points since round 6.
"Uhhh...okay?" I replied, "Let's go."
Author's Note
Eight rounds have passed, and here are the scores:
Me: 8