Chapters Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Ask anyone in the entertainment business and they will tell you, the old adage, “It’s not what you know; it’s who you know” is very much true. All the talent in the world and a brain overflowing with bright new ideas pale in comparison to having someone like Ted Turner or Bill Gates in your Rolodex.
As someone who spent his early years struggling as a comedian only to obtain his own show, Jon was in a position of seeing things from both sides of the looking glass.
On one hand he recalled how he had to network all up and down New York, shaking hands with total strangers and calling in favors to people whose names he couldn’t even pronounce just for a chance at getting his foot in the door.
And now that he was a world recognized name he got the chance to give back to the community by helping local talent in pursuing their preferred careers. Without Jon’s influence Steve Carell might’ve never made it in a film, Christian Schall would never have found a calling in voice acting, and Stephen Colbert would definitely never have gotten his own show after his years as a correspondent.
So when people first heard that Jon had the opportunity to traverse to an entire new world for his show, some of his colleagues and friends would wonder if it was difficult to start building contacts from the ground up all over again.
His response was always the same.
“You kidding me?” He would say. “I have Celestia, their god and leader on speed dial... I’ll be alright.”
All jokes aside Jon had to admit that he had it extremely easy; all he had to do was pick a name and away he went... With Celestia on his side he, for the most part, never had trouble conducting business within her world. That and most ponies would kill to get on his show, so very rarely did he need to know anyone other than her.
However in the past couple of months he did manage to do some old fashioned networking with ponies he had on his show. One of the most influential of which was without a doubt a certain pony he had not too long ago... who just happened to be Celestia’s right-hand gal.
Jon’s kids watched eagerly as their father paced back and forth in the living room of his house and tried his phone once more, only this time, instead of Celestia, Jon was trying to contact someone else... someone who was used to doing favors for him behind Celestia’s back.
“H-hello?” A tired voice said from Jon’s phone.
“Hey Twilight!” Jon answered as he pressed the now burning phone closer to his ear to hear her better. “It’s me! Your favorite human as far as I know.”
“J-Jon?” Twilight yawned. “Is that you?”
“The one and only!” Jon said in a over dramatic radio voice. “Hope I didn’t wake you up.”
“Oh um, yeah, no it’s alright; I needed to get up early today anyway.” She said as she rolled out of bed to quietly walk down stairs as to not wake anyone else up. “It’s nice hear from you again, especially since well... you know.”
Jon knew exactly what she meant; the last time they technically met it wasn’t the most pleasant of circumstances. With a quick cough Twilight seized the moment before things got silent.
“A-actually now that I think about it, it’s good that you called me!” She blurted.
“Oh really?” Jon rebutted.
“Absolutely; I could use your help with something. You see I’ve actually been asked to speak for symposium at the Canterlot School of Gifted Young Ponies.” Twilight explained. “I’ll be talking about magic and science and how the two can co-exist.”
“Oh well congratulations!” Jon said as he tapped his foot against the ground and glanced at his clock. “Sounds like... fun?”
“I’m really excited! But at the same time I’m a little bit nervous about my speech.” Twilight added as she paced back and forth in the living room of her tree house. “My friend Pinkie Pie suggested I open with a joke but... I’m not so sure.”
“I agree with this Pinkie Pie.” Jon said, unaware of how rare such a statement was. “Sometimes a little humor helps make the medicine go down... take it from someone who's actually a comedian.”
“But you see that’s just it!” Twilight urged. “For someone like you it’d be no problem but I don’t know the first thing about comedy... and well... I did come up with a joke but I don’t know if it’s any good.”
“Careful Twilight because from there it’s a slippery slope. Oh sure you’ll do one little joke here and there then before you know you’ll be selling ‘Knock knock’ jokes on street corners for cheap.” Jon jested, earning him not so much as a chuckle in return. “Okay but how bout this... how about you tell me the joke and I’ll let you know what needs improvement or what you can change to make it flow better?”
“You mean like a study group!” She asked with a level of enthusiasm one would expect from a child being offered a key to a chocolate factory.
“...Yes...” He mutter as he rubbed his aging eyes. “Like a study group.”
“Okay! Here I go!” She warned as she cleared her throat. “Why was metal in the marching band?”
“Uh, I don’t know... why?” He asked.
“Because it’s a good conductor !” She answered, leaving the answer to hang in the air a bit. She waited eagerly for Jon’s reaction. Since she couldn't see him she hoped the joke was so good it left him speechless, but in actuality Jon didn’t say anything because he was too busy contemplating how, even though he was apart of his high school's chess club, even he was less nerdy than she was.
“That bad?” Twilight asked.
“That bad.” Jon answered.
“ARGH! You’ve got to help me Jon!” She blurted as she caught herself talking too loudly. “The crowds are going to eat me alive, and if I don’t do well on this then I’ll never get invited back, and if I never get invited back then Celestia will think I’m not a good speech writer and then she’ll never--”
“Whoa, whoa, calm down Twilight!” Jon urged as he made gestures with his hand on instinct. “Look I’ll help you I’ll just uh... okay here you said this is going to be at a school right?”
“Not just any school Jon! This is a University where only the brightest minds and most talented of Unicorns get accepted!” She answered.
“Alright well... then just say something like... like uh; ‘Hey, what’s the... what’s the difference between a college intern and a royal guard?’” He asked, waiting a crucial second for the set up to sink in. “‘One of them stands still and does nothing useful all day, and the other one gets paid to do the same thing.’”
Like before there was a silence from both parties, only this time stillness was broken by the sound of laughter coming from Twilight’s end. Her stiffened giggles were clear as she tried her best not to be too vocal.
“Glad you like it.” He added.
“Oh yes I do!” She answered. “But more importantly the ponies over at ECU will love it! Mind if I use this for my speech?”
“Oh it’d be my pleasure... I mean virtually anything is better than that conductor one of yours.” Jon jokingly chided.
“Yeah, Spike didn’t like it either... even after I explained it to him.” She said, “Speaking of which would you like me to wake him up for you? That is why you’re calling right? To talk to Spike?”
“Actually... I’m not calling for young Spike.” Jon revealed. “I’m actually here to talk to you.”
“M-Me?” Twilight asked. “You want to talk to me?”
“Of course I do!” He continued. “And well... put it this way... you know that joke I just gave you?”
“Yeeees?” She answered.
“Well in return I uh...I sorta need another favor.” He said.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
There was a silence between the two friends so apparent that even the two children knew no one was talking. Over on Twilight's side she was distancing herself further from where Spike was sleeping in case her talking would wake him up. While she did this she also contemplating what she could possibly do for Jon.
“Another favor?” Twilight echoed with uncertainty.
“Yeah you know just a simple favor between friends.” Jon pleaded as he began to walk in circles. “I mean you do help your friends, right?”
“O-of course I do!” She blurted. “After all friendship is magic.” On any other occasion saying something like that would have earned her a sound teasing from Jon but since he was in a position where he needed her help he decided to let it slide.
“Why yes it certainly is!” He responded. “Anyway, I was wondering if I could get you to do one simple thing for me.”
“And that is?” She wondered aloud.
“I need you to teleport me into your world.” He revealed. The request wasn’t complicated or plagued with with hidden agendas, or at least as far as Twilight knew, and yet something about it all made her dubious.
“Y-you need me to teleport you here?” She wondered. Ordinarily such a request would have completely caught her off guard, but since Jon had done this before she wasn't that surprised. “Uh... not that I’m saying no or anything like that but don’t you usually ask the Princess to do this sort of thing?”
“Normally yes but as it so happens I can’t because she’s too busy at the moment,” He said. “And well I really need to get into Equestria so I figured why not ask you.”
“Hm I see. Well did she tell you anything? Did she happen to say why she’s so preoccupied?” She asked. “Because to be honest lately I’ve actually had a difficult time trying to get in contact with her myself... all I know is that she isn’t to be disturbed right now because she’s busy on something very important. I don’t know what it is but the last time I talked with her she asked me to give every medical book I own.”
Jon didn’t like the sound of this.
“I have no idea myself; I can’t even get her to answer her phone,” Jon answered. “Which is why I’ve called you today... I could really use your help here.”
“Jon... you-- you know I consider you a good friend.” Twilight reminded.
“But?” He said.
“But I feel slightly uneasy about going behind Celestia’s back like this... again” She answered. “If the Princess isn’t returning your calls then maybe... maybe she has a good reason to do so.”
“Oh come on Twi!” Jon objected.
“I’m sorry Jon, but sometimes Celestia has her reasons, you or I might not understand them but that’s just the way it is.” She continued. “Plus nopony is allowed to traverse through worlds without her express permission at this time.”
“Well aren’t you her loyal student?” Jon asked. “Surely you have clearance.” There was a slight pause on the phone.
“T-that’s not the point.” She blurted, surprised by Jon’s correct assumption. “I just... why do you want to come over here anyway?”
Jon was not too eager to answer her question. His plan at this point was to enter their world and confront Celestia face to face to get some answers, but with Twilight now acting as the gatekeeper he was forced to change his approach a bit.
“I just need to walk around Ponyville for a bit.” Jon lied. “I need a new pony to fill a guest slot so I need to scout for some talent.”
“Oh... and that’s it?” Twilight asked.
“That’s it.” Jon once again fibbed. Originally he was going to ask for her to teleport him right in the middle of Canterlot Castle but now there was no way she’d knowingly allow him to disturb her mentor. Jon hated having to lie to his friends, but for him this was a necessary evil. “I’ll be in and out before you know it, I promise.”
“Gee... I don’t know.” Twilight rubbed the back of her neck.
“What seems to be the problem?” Jon pushed. “You’ve done this before?”
“I know it’s just... something just feels... I don’t know, off.” She confessed. Twilight may not have been able to read minds (not without casting some kind of mind reading spell first) but if she could she’d realize her suspicions wouldn’t be without justification. Jon’s new plan was simple; if he couldn't get teleported to Celestia then the next best option would be to walk up to her front door in secret; something which Twilight would undoubtedly object to.
Usually by now Jon would have underhandedly try to guilt trip his way into Equestria by complaining to Twilight how much he still ached from the injuries suffered at the hands of Chrysalis. A tactic he himself learned from his Jewish grandmother who had long since mastered the technique. However he had something even better at his disposal.
“Ah see that’s too bad Twilight.” Jon said as he pressed a button to make his phone go into speaker mode. “Because my kids were really looking forward to seeing their dad interview another pony on TV... right kids.”
Both Nathan and Maggie were confused at first but being the clever children that they were they quickly understood what devious tactic they're father was trying to accomplish. After a quick wink from Jon the two of them launched themselves from their seats and ran to the phone screaming at the top of their lungs.
“PLEASE MS. TWILIGHT!” Maggie yelled.
“LET DADDY GO TO HORSEY LAND!” Nathan added.
“PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE!!!” Maggie continued.
This went on for so long that their constant begging just started to sound like nonsensical gibberish after a while, like having hundreds of puppies barking for attention. Though with every passing second Twilight was fast becoming more and more susceptible to their beginnings, culminating in her usual level headed demeanor being shattered.
“Okay, okay I’ll do it!” Twilight blurted over the children.
“YAAAAY!” The kids cheered as she ran around their father who was switching back to standard mode.
“So... are we ready to start?” Jon asked innocently.
“That was unnecessary.” Twilight scolded. “But yes let’s begin.”
“Thank you!” Jon exclaimed. “I owe ya one!”
“Two!” She corrected. “You owe me twice now!”
“Yes, yes of course!” He said.
“Now then... I only have enough power to send you so far... so where would you like to go specifically.” She asked as she readied her horn.
If Jon had his way he’d say Canterlot Castle infirmary, but since that wasn’t an option he had to improvise a bit.
“I would like to go to the eastern edge of Ponyville.” Jon answered, as he assumed the position. In response Twilight began to stabilize her magic. Placing his hand over the phone’s receiver Jon quickly kneeled down to talk to his children.
“Okay kids daddy will be back real soon.” He said. “While I’m gone stay out of trouble and I promise I’ll find out what’s going on with Trixie.”
“Can we come with you!?” Maggie begged, pulling against his pant leg.
“Sorry sweetie, but no. This is something I need to do by myself.” Jon said as he tousled her hair. Standing back up he placed the phone back to his ear as the two kids look slightly upset . “Okay Twilight are we almost ready?”
“Yes, the spell is just about ready to be cast.” She announced as her horn began to glow a powerful glow. “Just a few more seconds.”
For Jon this was more than just a simple trip to Equestria, this was his chance to get down to business and uncover what was going on.
Some might say that he was being paranoid but the evidence was piling up. Celestia wasn’t letting anyone disturb her, then she wanted all of Twilight medical texts, and of course her refusal to talk to anyone, including both himself and her most faithful student.
Something was happening over at Canterlot Castle and Jon wanted to know what it was because he had a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with Trixie.
“Okay I’m ready!” Twilight announced, jolting Jon out of his trance. “Now... you're sure you’re just going to look for a guest... right?”
“Scout’s honor.” Jon said. He was never in Scouts.
Within a split second and a temporarily blinding burst of light Jon was swept away on a tide of magic, throwing him between worlds right before the eyes of his children. They had seen this before but they never got tired of it.
Jon’s covert mission has officially begun. He was now on his way to Canterlot Castle to confront Celestia about his dear friend Trixie... or so he thought.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Like always, whenever Jon got sent to Equestria he usually did so in an instant, to the point where on more than one occasion he would miss the transition completely because he blinked. In this case Jon was so lost in his thoughts that he barely noticed that he was now staring at a wall. That was not the only thing he noticed; when Jon took a step back he bumped his leg on something hard and low to the ground. When he turned around to see what it was, fearing that it might’ve been a wayward pony, he soon realized that he was a foot away from huge gaping hole in the earth otherwise known as a water well.
“Jesus, Twilight.” Jon pressed himself against the wall he moments ago staring at. “Cutting it pretty close aren’t ya.”
Like before Twilight’s powers weren’t as focused as her mentor so when she sent Jon to Ponyville she did so aimlessly within a certain radius. It wasn’t as dangerous as Trixie teleporting Jon to Cloudsdale, but the random factor meant there were odd, often dangerous, results like this.
However, dangerous opportunities aside, Twilight did get her spell right in that Jon was now on the Eastern end of Ponyville.
“Alright,” Jon thought as he began to walk down an adjacent, and empty dirt road. “Time to catch a ride.”
What most people, incorrectly, assume about Jon Stewart is that he was born and raised in New York; but this was only half the story. He was born in New York yes but his family then moved to New Jersey; it was only later in his life did he move back to his beloved city and start his life as an entertainer. And it was during this jovial return did he discover a proficient, and completely necessary, talent at memorizing street layouts.
If you are ever lost in New York and need to go somewhere, Jon could give you directions better than any talking GPS and tell you the best restaurant along the way. This talent also extended to Equestria as well.
Jon was proud in his knowledge of the Ponyville layout; especially since he’d only been here a few times. He knew roughly what attractions and where some ponies lived.
If you want a good slice of cake you go to Sugar Cube corner on Apple avenue on the west side. If you want to buy a souvenir or wish to sell goods to some traders you go to market street. If you want to talk to the mayor or apply for a permit you head to the financial district in the very center of town. And of course if you want to ride a hot air balloon or take the train out of town to say somewhere like, Canterlot Castle... you head towards the west side of Ponyville, otherwise known as the industrial part of town.
As Jon made his way down his current street he knew that he was a few blocks away from hitching a ride on any number of public transportation. From there he would go to Canterlot and catch a lift on one of the trolleys straight up to the Castle.
And, although he hated having to rely on this, his plan, for if he caught some slack for trying to go to the castle, would be to flaunt his celebrity status and remind those that he and the Princess were business partners. The plan was solid in Jon’s head; right now he just needed a ride.
Because of the human world and Equestria existing in completely different universes on two completely different solar systems, their respective calendars were nowhere near in synch. Sometimes when Jon arrived in Equestria it would be night while back home it was morning, on some occasions their time zones would be relatively the same (bar a few hours or so) but in this case while it was almost time for Jon to go to bed, here in Equestria most ponies were still sleeping because it was very early in the morning.
A cold wind blew through the empty streets of Ponyville forcing Jon to button up his sports jacket all the way up. It was still too early for most ponies to be up and about, and for Jon that was most preferable, it meant that he didn’t have to waste any time talking to would be fans. At least that’s what he thought; that cold wind could very well have been a warning for what was flying right behind just a few inches away.
“What’cha doing?” A voice chimed.
“GAH!” Jon yelped as he jumped forward and spun around with his hand over his heart. It took a second to identify the Pegasus hovering in front of him.
The first thing he noticed, which was this pony's most apparent feature, wasn’t the blonde hair, grey body, or awkward flying... it was her eyes.
“D-Derpy?” Jon asked. Hearing her name caused the carefree Pegasus to squint her eyes and give a judgmental stare.
“How do you know my name?” She asked, as she flew higher over Jon’s head almost to the point where she was hovering upside down. “Have we met?”
Jon couldn't tell if she was joking or not; then he realized who he was talking to.
“Y-you’re kidding right? Derpy... i-it’s me, Jon... Jon Stewart?” He said which only seemed to make her more confused. “I had you on my show?”
“Ummmm.... wha?” She said, scrunching nose in confusion.
“Oh come on, seriously!” Jon blurted. “You were the first pony I ever had on my show! You brought your book and everything! Don’t you remember.”
In response to his claims Derpy flew in uncomfortably close to Jon’s face. With eyes in all directions and nose still krinkled she examined Jon’s face and even starting to smell him to see if anything would spark.
“Well?” Jon said. Finally she spoke. “You remember me?”
“Nope.” She chuckled, as she rubbed the back of her head and stuck her tongue out innocently.
“Seriously!” He bellowed. “You told me it was the best night of your life! And you don’t even recognize me!”
Again Derpy flew in close, this time pressing her face against Jon’s, like a child making funny faces on a surface of a window to get a better look. He would have sighed in discomfort but his entire face was smothered. In time however Derpy recoiled back and gasped so loud Jon thought she might wake up the entire town.
“Holy crackers!” She yelled, her eyes now sparkling. “You.... you...”
“Yeeeeeees.” Jon said leaning forward in anticipation.
“You’re Stephen Colbert!” She announced. A silence once again found it’s place in the empty streets of Ponyville as a devastated Jon Stewart turned on his heels and continued on his way without so much as a word.
As he turned a corner Derpy followed close just overhead.
“Why are you here in Ponyville?” She asked, flying so close that Jon could feel the wind coming off of her wings.
“Well it’s not like you’d even remember but if you must know I’m on my way to Canterlot Castle.” He answered. “I got some... work to do there.”
“I got work too!” She cheerfully announced. “I’m on my way to the post office... I get to deliver all the mail... even the big ones now!”
Stopping for a moment Jon looked behind him then back at Derpy.
“Isn’t the post office over there?” He pointed to the opposite end of where he was heading.
“Yep!” Derpy acknowledged as she continued to follow Jon down the street.
“Aren’t.... aren’t you going to be late?” He asked.
“Late for what?” Derpy asked back.
“L-late for work!” He said in a loud tone so she could hear her.
“Oh... wait where do I work again?” She said causing Jon to slam his palm against his forehead.
“OKAY! How bout this!” Jon yelled as he reached into his coat pocket and took out a piece of paper. It was a report card he received from one of his kids the other day, that he had left in his coat pocket but never got around to actually looking over. “Derpy, take this!”
“Okay!” She trilled, grabbing the note with her mouth. “Now what!”
“Listen carefully Derpy... I want you to deliver this letter for me.” He explained. “I want you to deliver this note for me as fast as you can... first class mail... Can. You. Do. That?”
“Why sure I can!” She boasted as she tried to salute with her hoof only to accidentally wack herself on the nose. “Who do I deliver it to?”
“Listen very, very carefully Derpy.” Jon said, causing her to lift her ear in the wrong direction. “I want you... to deliver this letter to someone called Jon Stewart... I repeat... deliver this letter to Jon Stewart... can you do that, Pony Express?”
“I will do my best!” She assured him and she turned around and flew to where she thought was up in the sky but in fact was towards the ground due to her being upside down. With her flank in the air and her wings dragging her head across the floor she slowly crept along the dirt road while Jon just stood, shaking his head.
“And yet she she’s still better than FedEx.” Jon chuckled as she soon vanished around the corner. As she disappeared something caught his attention from the same area. Another figure emerged going the opposite way of where Derpy was heading; it was a pair of ponies who were as bewildered by Derpy’s actions as one might expect.
Jon’s first instinct was to turn around, walk away and pay no heed to these newcomers, but unfortunately he knew these two, which caused him to freeze in place, unable to move. The two ponies walking caught a glimpse of Jon which shook him down to his very core.
The scene of two parties facing each other on opposite sides of a dirt road looked like something out of an old Clint Eastwood film, only instead of a heroic cowboy who doesn’t follow the rules there was a petrified Jew starting at two little ponies.
One of the ponies Jon only vaguely remembered. She was an Earthpony, her coat was cream colored and mane streaks of dark blue and pink. But the other one Jon knew all too well... he recognized her sea-foam green coat and cyan mane.
“Oh no,” Jon groaned in fear. “Not Lyra.”
Jon had nothing against the lively Unicorn, it’s just that whenever she was around Jon seemed to get hurt. It all started when they first met a few months back and he almost choked to death after being full on tackled by her, and that was just her greeting. Jon’s fear of her only got worse when Queen Chrysalis invaded his show disguised as Lyra, and while Jon knew it wasn’t actually her he couldn't help but equate Lyra with pain when he was being thrown around and suffocated.
That same cold wind once again flew through Jon’s hair, reminding him he needed to be somewhere. Carefully he took a step back, then another hoping that maybe he could get out of here in once piece; no such luck.
“HEY IT’S JON!” Lyra yelled as she bolted in his direction against the wishes of her companion. Change of plans; Jon’s new mission in life was to be anywhere other than where Lyra was.
“FUCK NOT AGAIN!” Jon yelled as he ran down the nearest alleyway as fast as he could without regard for anything in his path.
Despite his age and lack of fitness Jon could run somewhat faster than most ponies (though not for very long) because of his longer legs. Though long legs or not Lyra was fueled with such desires to meet him that she was quickly closing the gap.
All of Jon’s knowledge of the town’s layouts was being put to good use as he ran from street to street in random order to avoid his enclosing heat seeking missile that was Lyra Heartstrings. A few twists and turns later Jon now found himself more towards the center of town, making him an open target.
“Shit!” He thought. “I need to hide!”
The sound of galloping coming from nearby ally made a very nervous Jon Stewart lunge for the first door that he could persuade to open for him. Jumping into whatever establishment he just intruded on he quickly shut the door as quietly as he could and ducked down into a fetal position against its frame. Jon had no idea where he just barged his way into and he didn't care. He could hear the sound of hooves pounding against the ground almost as quickly as his heart was beating and didn't move till the sound of hooves on cobblestone dissipated.
Slowly standing he peered through the window of the door to see a confused Lyra looking all around her before desperately choosing a street to continue her hunt. Jon slumped back down to a sitting position just in time to miss Bon-Bon chasing after her.
“Thank god.” He sighed, trying to catch his breath. After a moment of quiet meditation he opened his eyes to take stock of where he was; and what he saw surprised him.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
When Jon first came to Equestria he felt a lot of conflicting emotions about having been sent to a new world filled with talking animals. He felt fearful over being in a world that he knew very little about, he felt happy about having a new segment for his beloved show, he also felt extremely out of place and not just in the obvious sense of him being a human among ponies.
But if he had to sum up his experience so far he would probably say his time in Equestria was “captivating.” He felt a sense of wonder and excitement like nothing he’d ever felt before when he first learned of an entire world outside of his own with equal parts eagerness and astonishment. That same sense came back when he examined the local establishment that he decided to duck into while running away from Lyra.
“Whoa.” He said under his breath as he walked further into this quaint little boutique. All around him Jon was surrounded by clothing and attires the like of which he’d never seen before. Out of all the pieces that could be seen most of them were dresses, dresses that would fit a pony and not much else.
These articles of clothing weren’t so much on display but rather were out in the open in no particular order or reason like someone was taking inventory. Some were in boxes or in a pile in the corner while others were neatly folded on tables or properly hanged in one of those moving display racks.
In addition to numerous types of apparels their styles wavered from retro to modern, making this boutique look more like a museum for ladies wear rather than a store, which is definitely the kind of place Jon’s wife would have dragged him to go see back when they first dated.
Speaking of which which Tracey always had a thing for sewing, she did so occasionally on the side which later rubbed off on Jon. He may not have known how to thread a needle but Jon Stewart was always fascinated with the art of tailoring and clothing design.
Even though time was of the essence he couldn't help but admire such creative works. The amount of variety on display rivaled that of the Daily Show’s wardrobe room where they have costumes for any skit that needed to be played out, so for Jon this was definitely something he had an interest in. But as impressive as they were Jon wasn’t in Equestria for sight-seeing; he needed to be somewhere and it wasn’t here.
Confidently Jon strolled to the door and, with one last lingering look, placed his hand on the door fully ready to walk through it when he saw something that made him fall to the ground like he lost all the bones in his legs. Lyra was still out there.
“Dammit.” Jon thought. Having given up on going down street corner after street corner Lyra now took to patrolling the town square on the assumption that Jon would have to go by here at sometime. But what really got Jon shaking in his suit was that Lyra was now peeking into store window after store window looking for him.
She eventually peered through the door window of the establishment he currently occupied like the raptor scene from Jurassic Park only to proceed to the next one. Jon was safe for now. The sound of her walking to the parlor next door caused him to get back up.
“Well,” he said to himself as he brushed the dust of his sleeve. “Guess I’m stuck here for a bit.” Carefully, as to not make any noise, Jon walked further in the vacant store. There were so many dresses and such strewn about that Jon had to watch his step or else he’d step on one with his dirty shoes. But at least the many attires provided a sort of camouflage in case Lyra peaked in again.
As he did so he looked at different designs all around him as his brain filled in the blanks as to what they were made for, as well as the possibilities they could provide for a skit or two on his show; he could totally see John Oliver wearing that ornate wig while doing a monologue about congress. Although different, about the only thing similar with most of the clothing on display was the liberal use of colored gems which were woven into the tapestry.
Much like the clothing themselves the entire store was a decorative oasis of fine fabrics and custom wares. The walls were a light shade of purple which matched the many tables and show room curtains that were placed strategically for either work related business or general usage. Standing mirrors were in an abundance which reflected the the stylish patterns that were painted on either any given surface or textured ornament. None of these could be seen by Jon with the many clothes scattered about.
Reaching forward he grabbed the sleeve of a protruding walking jacket and rubbed the fabric between his fingers; he was no expert, but it felt very high priced, and like a magpie in a room filled with disco balls, his attention was once again torn away by what looked like museum pieces on the far end of the room.
Propped up against the wall were six dresses, each with their own unique design and each encased in a glass box. The way they were on display closely resembled the Iron Man movies were Tony Stark had his different power suits lined up ready to go when needed. But to say the designs were unique would be like saying the sun is kinda bright.
Each dress was being worn by a pony shaped mannequin and was fashioned in a way that suggested whoever wore them had a similar personality to go along with it. One dress has streaks of rainbows in it while another one had candy corn decals sewn into its skirt; one even came complete with a cowboy hat. Something about them seemed extremely familiar.
“Who makes all of these?” Jon vocally thought to himself. To investigate he knelt down to one knee to read a brass label at the bottom of the display, they were on each case and read in an overly fancy font:
“Replicas of Gala dresses. Rarity Originals”
“Rarity... huh, that rings a bell.” He said, as he got back up. It was then that Jon recalled seeing and hearing that name during his business with Equestrian Interviews. “Wait... one pony made all these?”
Turning around, Jon grabbed a random dress and began to thumb through layer after layer till he found what he was looking for; a tag attached on the inside of the collar. On it there was basic instruction on how to properly take care and wash it but towards the bottom was the same fancy font which read: “Rarity Originals.”
Going to another end of the room Jon tired to see if there was evidence of anyone else who worked on these complex designs. But everywhere he looked he saw the same slogan on tags, receipts, signs, and even a certificate of authenticity.
“Rarity Originals”
“Huh.” He thought as he stroked his chin. “Whoever this Rarity is, she must be very important.”
Back in New York, whenever Jon went to some kind of convenience store or market he always ended up being approached by some 20 something employee asking if he needed help. At first he thought it was out of respect for his social status as an entertainer, it was only later did he realize that it was because they thought he might be some confused old man in need of assistance. And while that was insulting, bordering on true, Jon was really missing that right now.
Since his arrival in this cluttered establishment he hadn’t seen a single pony, which at this hour was to be expected. He almost gave up on ever asking for help till he heard some rustling coming from behind a gathering of hung dresses.
As if he was in a jungle comprised of lavish costumes Jon could see the furrowing and pushing aside of clothing as someone came closer and closer to him.
“Hello?” Jon called out to no avail.
Whatever was heading his way eventually stopped at the edge of the standing clothes as if whoever it might be was now staring at him like a tiger stalking it’s prey. Jon would have investigated to see who it was, but whoever it was beat him to it.
In one fast swoosh a creature leaped forth in front of him, but it instead of feral beast it was something much smaller. A cat.
“Ah good, someone’s here.” Jon said. Slowly he approached the creature, which was staring at him suspiciously, and extended a hand for a shake.
This wasn’t exactly what Jon was expecting but at the same time he was happy to at least have someone to help him. The creature in question was an extremely light grey Persian cat with a purple bow on her head and matching collar with diamonds. Jon doubted that she was Rarity but based on the way she was properly groomed she might’ve at least known her.
“Hello my name is Jon Stewart,” He said, motioning to her paw. “I’m the host of the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Do you think you can help me?”
At first the fancy feline just sniffed his outstretched hand, confused if he would offer her anything. When Jon didn’t do that she began to rub her face against his palm, purring desperately for more attention. This brought Jon to a stunning, yet obvious, realization.
“Okay, note to self.” Jon sighed, now feeling overwhelmingly stupid. “Cats in Equestria don’t talk either.”
Glad that no one was there to see him make a fool of himself Jon complied with the creature’s desires and began to pet it’s head.
“Don’t suppose you know who Rarity is Ms....Opalescence?” He looked at her nametag, only to get more purring in response. “Nah of course ya don’t. You’re just a prissy little kitty huh?”
Unfortunately for him Opal, much like all other cats, had very specific petting zones. For opal it was just her head, and maybe her stomach if she felt like it. But if anyone would go anywhere near her tail she would immediately retaliate, as Jon soon found out.
“OUCH!” Jon yelled after Opal bit his hand and tried to scratch his face. While he licked his newly created wound his attacker walked away with her head up high. “OKAY! Another note to self... cats are assholes in this world too!”
Because of a combination of apathy and a sore back, he just stood up and walked away while still tending to his wounds. Feeling that his was as good as things were going to get Jon made plans to leave and continue to the castle. He took a few steps towards the door when something got his attention; it was the sound of a gasp followed by something falling to the ground.
Quickly he spun around to see that across the room there was a flight of stairs that led to a higher level of the boutique. At the foot of the steps there stood someone new.
Jon was now staring into the surprised eyes of a tiny Unicorn. Based on her size Jon could tell she was just a little kid. She was roughly the same color as the cat that attacked him, but her mane was comprised of light pink and light purple streaks.
But her eyes... her eyes were a shade of green and even though Jon was across the room separated by endless waves of clothing he could easily see them because they were wide with astonishment. Like this was Christmas and she just caught him dressed as Santa.
No one said anything to anyone so Jon decided to make the first move.
“Uh... hi?” He said. “Do uh... do you live here?” The tiny filly said nothing but the way her mouth was moving it was clear she was trying to speak.
“G... g.... g-g... g...” She stuttered, as Jon made a motion with his hands to show he wasn’t dangerous. “g... g-g-g... g-g... g ...”
“Don’t be afraid.” Jon assured her. “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m just here to--”
“GIRLS! ” The filly yelled as she ran upstairs. “GIRLS! COME HERE, LOOK WHAT I FOUND! GIIIIRLS!? ”
Even though she was now all the way up upstairs Jon could still hear her yelling for whoever else was present. She was definitely someone used to yelling loudly judging by how far her voice carried. After some time had passed Jon could no longer hear anything though seeing how surprised she looked Jon assumed that the tiny thing was getting help from a parent or guardian.
Jon didn’t know weather to leave now or to stay to explain that he didn’t mean any harm by coming in to their establishment but after a few seconds had passed a decision was made on his behalf. The once quiet room now echoed with the sound of hoofbeats coming down the stairs; a sound that closely resembled a stampede.
Soon, and without any verbal warning, a trio of fillies bolted down the stairs, ran under the forest of costumes and launched themselves at Jon like they were being launched from a cannon. And even with a three to one disadvantage Jon was large enough, and the fillies small enough, that instead of tumbling back he simply caught them in his arms.
Jon staggered back, the wind slightly knocked out of him, and quickly looked down at the three pairs of eyes looking at him. Out of all the fillies he now currently had tucked into his stomach the one in the middle was the only one he recognized. She was also the first one to say anything.
“HIYA JOHNNY!” She said. “LONG TIME NO SEE.”
It took Jon less than a second to remember her name.
“Applebloom.” Jon smiled. “Nice to see you too.”
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Jon was never one to actually realize how well liked and popular he really was; he may have been world famous, but on paper it seemed like he was hardly that successful. A standup comedian from New Jersey who was stuck hosting a show on TV and whose most notable venture outside the realm of political satire was one failed movie.
Truth be told he had a lot of influence on people of all ages, not just in America but in countries all over the world, as well as worlds he didn’t know existed. And while he wasn’t the type to be approached for an autograph while on the streets (though to be fair that was because no one could recognize him without his makeup or suit) he did have fans. But what Jon failed to realize was that here in Ponyville, Lyra wasn’t the only pony eager to meet him.
There was a slight strain in Jon’s back as he struggled to hold onto the three fillies that had jumped into his arms, like a child greeting a parent coming home from work. He only vaguely recognize two of them but there was no mistaking the southern drawl that was Appleboom’s voice.
“It’s real nice to see ya again!” She yelled loud enough for Jon to recoil in surprise. “I missed ya so much!”
“Yeah... I missed you too, sweety.” Jon struggled to continue supporting the three star-eyes children.
“Did’ja bring me anything from New York.” She continued, oblivious to Jon’s awkward balancing act.
“Uh yeah sure I did.” He grunted as he arched his back to relieve some stress. “I got you a bagel from the corner of Broadway and Columbus.”
“That’s great!” She blurted as she turned to her smiling friends. “Me and the girls were actually just talking about trying to get our Cutie marks in--”
“Uh, Sweetheart?” Jon interrupted, his face now showing signs of strain. “Do you mind if I put you girls down now... I’m not as young as I used to be.”
“Oh, of course!” She sputtered as Jon quickly, but gently placed the three fillies on the ground. By correctly lowing himself by bending his knees Jon made it so his back was no longer aching but instead now is legs; this was evident by a look on his face of great displeasure.
“Hey, you okay, dude?” An orange Pegasus with purple hair said.
“Yeah, I should be fine.” Jon answered as he arched his back. “I’m just... I’m just tired.”
“QUICK! Let’s find him something to sit down on!” The light colored Unicorn who first saw Jon exclaimed.
Before Jon could reply, all three fillies scattered to all corners of the room trying to find something that was large enough for Jon to sit in. In their desperate struggle to find a seat worthy enough for a comedian they recklessly, almost unknowingly, caused great destruction to the many articles of clothing in the room.
One of the fillies was a pegasus who took to running on the ground, though she did so with such speed that Jon just saw orange blurs. She would run underneath low hanging dress after another, occasionally getting tangled in one causing the entire display of racked clothing to tumble over.
The one Unicorn with purple and pink in her hair tried to move a nearby coffee table towards Jon. Unfortunately she only managed to move one side which caused a cup of tea to spill over on a pile of concept art.
And last but not least Applebloom, being the innovated filly that she was, instead opted to make her own seat for Jon in the form of a pile of clothing large enough to act as a pseudo-nest. It almost looked like it would work but one fabric of clothing she yanked was still attached to a sewing machine, which promptly tumbled down and shattering into pieces.
None of the three helpful fillies were making much progress.
“Girls please!” Jon begged. “Be careful, you’ll hurt yourself!” But they didn’t listen. This, as well as what was to come, would show Jon just how laser focused these three were when they had their mind set on something. Before Jon was able to negotiate further a voice boomed from behind.
“HEY GIRLS, CHECK IT OUT!” Yelled the orange Pegasus, causing everyone to regroup. “Think this will work?”
Jon was almost terrified to see what she was referring to; though his curiosity was greater. The purple maned pony was motioning to a large black suitcase so large it could probably fit the entire trio of friends, but also small enough to act as a seat for Jon. In terms of size it was perfect
The only problem was, and what the three of them seemed to not understand, was that the case in question was also acting as support for a work bench that had lost two of it’s legs.
“Come on, you two slowpokes!” The tiny Pegasus roared. “Help me move this thing.” Following her order all three girls grabbed a section of the suitcase and began to either push, or pull it towards Jon direction; scraping the ground and leaving marks in the process.
“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait I don’t think that’s a good Id--”Jon tried to say before being cut off by the sound of the table collapsing, bringing with it an avalanche of tools and kitchen ware which shattered on the ground.
Even though none of damaged items belonged to Jon, nor did he know how half of them even worked, he still felt a twang of pain at seeing the once elegant, if cluttered, room of clothing now reduced to ruins. The destructive powers of these three fillies was so great that it rivaled that of Jon’s own children.
At this point Jon was surprised they didn’t get their Cutie marks in demolition. When he looked down he saw the three children looking up at him with bright eyes and welcoming smiles. Jon didn’t know whether to thank them or scold them for their irresponsible behavior but with the three of them sporting such proud looks on their face for their good deed, he decided to just go with it.
“Thanks.” He sighed as he slowly sat down. Jon adjusted his suit as leaned forward to placed his elbows on his knees “Applebloom sweetie, aren’t you going to introduce me to your little friends?”
“Oh right!” She gasped as she leapt to one side and threw her hooves out in a demonstrative pose. “Johnny, these are my two bestest friends in all of Equestria! This here is Scootaloo!”
“What’s up?” The corresponding pony said, as she wiped her nose with her hoof. It looks like she was on the verge of beating a cold.
“Not much, sport.” Jon answered. “Also are you the same Scootaloo that sends me those letters about Rainbow Dash?”
“Yeah, that’s me!” She answered proudly. “Wow I can’t believe you remem--
“I see... please stop.” He interrupted in a blunt tone. “I’ll re-interview her when the time is right.” The young Pegasus' red nose not matched her blushing faced at her friends tired to not giggle to loudly at her.
“Ahem! Now then... as I was saying...” Applebloom continued as held back a laugh and motioned to the light grey Unicorn. “That was Scootaloo... and I reckon you’ve already met Sweetie Belle.”
“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Mr. Stewart.” She chimed.
“Likewise, honey. But please call me Jon... or Johnny; whichever you prefer.” He said as he leaned back to get a good view of his three helpers. “So... Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle huh? Well any friend of Applebloom’s is a friend of mine... thank you girls for the seat.”
“You're welcome!” All three of them said at once.
“You can always count on The Cutie Mark crusaders to get the job done!” Applebloom cheerfully added.
“The Cutie what nows?” Jon pondered aloud, which caused all three fillies to stand up and take notice with shocked expressions.
“Wait a minute!” Scootaloo explained. “You’ve never heard of us before!?”
“Should I have?” Jon asked.
“Of course you should!” Sweetie Belle answered. “Let’s show em girls!”
And with that all three friends jumped into the nearest pile of clothing only to quickly jump back out with matching capes in their backs like they were Clark Kent emerging from a phone booth.
“Oh Lord, what have I gotten myself into?” Jon thought as the three raced to get back in formation.
“We are the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Applebloom proudly announced to all who could hear her. “Our purpose in life is to do whatever it takes to find that thing that makes us unique and special so that we may finally get our very own CUTIE MARKS !”
Looking briefly to the side Jon noticed for the first time that the three of them were indeed without cutie marks, making them “blank flanks.”
“Aw isn’t that cute,” Jon commented. “So how do you do that? Do you like... make pretend till something happens or what?”
“Hey! We’re not babies!” Sweetie Belle corrected. “We don’t just play around; what we do is serious business!”
“The frilly capes tell me otherwise.” Jon teased, as he crossed one leg over another and echoed a hefty laugh. “I got to say Appleboom, it is nice seeing my favorite filly again.”
Hearing this made the young Earthpony giggle and blush slightly while the other two looked on with jealous eyes.
“I can’t even remember the last time we met,” He said, setting himself up for a quick joke. “Oh that’s right, I remember now! It was when I teleported in the middle of your class and stole your teacher.”
For a second it looked as if Applebloom was about to comment on that, but before she would her two friends literally jumped in to add to the conversation.
“We were there!” Sweetie Belle announced.
“We totally were!” Scootaloo added with a sniffle. “We all go to the same school! Me and Sweetie Belle always thought Appleboom was lying about knowing you but now we for sure believe her.”
“HEY!” Appleboom blurted, but not before a roaring laughter at her expense by her three friends.
“Hey Mr. Stew... I mean Jon?” Sweetie Belle eagerly asked after the teasing had come to a stop. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure, hun.” Jon answered.
"Okay thanks." Sweetie Belle said. Jon waited for her to ask her question but all she did was stare at Jon till he finally spoke.
"Um... you-- what did you want to ask me?" He asked.
"Oh that was it." Sweetie Belle revealed. "My question was 'can I ask you something.'"
A joke that terrible was something he'd expect from his own children which was just one reason he found it so humorous and adorable.
"Oh ho! Nice one." Jon chuckled. "I'll have to remember that one!"
"Thanks... but there actually was something I wanted to ask you." She said, prompting Jon to wave his hand for her to continue. "What are you doing here in Equestria?” This question was simple and to be expected, and yet it caught the famous comedian by surprise as well as reminded him of why he was here in the first place.
“Oh well I’m actually uh... I’m actually here on a secret mission.” He answered. He didn’t want anyone to know what his true intentions were so in a split second he came up with this story instead. A uncharacteristically rookie mistake on his part since it just make the children in the room more curious.
“Tell us, tell us, tell us!” The three of them demanded.
“Sorry girls, but it’s top secret.” Jon dug himself deeper. “If I told you then what would be the point?”
“But you gotta tell us!” Appleboom begged.
“Yeah!” Scootaloo added. “We gave you a seat so it’s the least you can do!”
“Whatever happened to good deeds for the sake of good deeds?” Jon asked.
“Pffft that’s for suckers!” Scootaloo chorded.
“Does your mission have something to do with the Carousel Boutique?” Sweetie Belle demanded to know. Using inference on the sophistication of the name Jon figured it was the name of the establishment he wandered into.
“Oh so that’s what this place is called.” Jon said. From here the girls wouldn’t drop the subject; though Jon knew how to handle this. He had kids of his own so he knew of a good way to change the tides; by changing the subject.
“So come on! Out with it!” Scootaloo demanded. “What are you doing here, buster!”
“You know I could ask you the same question, young lady!” Jon challenged. “From what I could gather this place belongs to someone called ‘Rarity’... how do I know you guys aren’t robbing the joint?”
“That’s not true!” Applebloom depended.
“Yeah sure. I bet you had this placed staked out for months!” He continued, with a forced look of disappointment. “I can see it now... you three spying on poor innocent Rarity through binoculars across the street in a parked van.”
“But I drive a scooter!” Scootaloo interjected.
“Trying to get your breaking and entering cutie marks, huh?” He teased.
“I would never do that to my sister!” Sweetie Belle said.
“Ooooh so you live here do ya?” Jon said. “Then that makes this an inside job! For shame Sweetie Belle... on your own sister!”
“But I’m innocent!” Sweetie Belle maintained, jumping up and down while Jon laughed at her pouting face.
“Oh honey I’m just pulling your leg.” Jon cooed. “So why does your sis have all her gear on display? Is she having a blowout sale or is she just taking inventory?”
“Oh we did this!” Scootaloo said in a rather proud tone. “We were trying to see if we could get our Cutie Marks in moving stuff around... but it didn’t work out so well.”
“Yeah, we got bored so we went upstairs to color.” Sweetie Belle added.
“You three... were trying to get your Cutie Marks in furniture removal?” Jon surmised. “Wow... you girls really shoot for the stars don’t ya.”
The three may’ve been good at teasing, but Jon was an expert. Though now having known that this establishment belonged to her older sister, Jon slowly did a glance from the door to the staircase. He did so to admire the absolute mess that was before him at the hands of the three fillies and came to the conclusion that he did not want to stick around to see Rarity’s reaction.
“Well... this has been all rather nice. Getting to know you all and catching up on old times.” Jon said as he slowly lifted himself up. “But like the US military in Iraq I think I’ve overstayed my welcome.”
“Awwwww you're leavin’ already!?” Applebloom complained. “But ya’ll just got here!”
“Sorry sweetheart but I have to.” He said. “If I don’t leave now I’ll never--”
The sound of a chirpy tune cut through the air silencing Jon and earning him the immediate attention of everyone present. The sound was coming from his breast pocket and made him tense up in fear.
It was his cellphone.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle were unsure as to why Jon, the moment his phone starting ringing, had suddenly froze in the middle of the room. What was more confusing was the look of terror on his face like he was was in trouble... they weren’t too far off.
“Oh no,” Jon thought. “Who the hell is calling me?”
“Is something wrong Johnny?” Applebloom ask. “You look all weird.”
“Oh uh, we-- no it's uh, it’s... i-i-i-it's fine!” He assured her. “Probably just work calling me for some boring adult stuff.”
This was a lie. The phone that was currently crying out to Jon was his private line; no one from work (except Selina) knew this number. The only people who had knowledge of this line was, his family, close friends... and Celestia, who had enchanted his phone so it would get reception no matter where he was.
“Oh shit.” He thought. “Could... could it be.” Jon wasn’t entirely sure how he should be feeling at that moment. All he ever wanted was for him to get a chance to talk to Celestia and see what was going on with Trixie... but now that it was potentially happening he felt less than excited about the idea.
Did Celestia finally have time in her busy schedule to return one of Jon’s several messages? Did she have news about Trixie? Was it good or bad news? Did Derpy sell him out and now she knew about his sneaking into her world again and was upset? Or maybe it wasn’t her at all?
All these questions and more invaded Jon’s mind and refused to be silenced till Jon took the next logical step. Slowly he grabbed the phone from his breast pocket and raised it to his face like it was a particularly heavy dumbbell. When his eyes finally met with the screen he finally exhaled and fell back down to this seat as if he was a balloon and someone let out all his air.
“A 212 area code.” Jon thought. “It’s not her.”
Jon felt relieved and slightly disappointed at the same time. His heart was racing so instead of answering he took a moment to get ahold of himself.
“Hey Johnny!” Appleboom yelled while having her hooves. “Are ya’ll sure you’re alright?” With a sigh leaned forward.
“Yeah I’m alright I just uh.... I just need to take this call.” He said as he was moments away from sliding his finger across the screen. But just then a something grabbed his arm and yanked him down. It was Scootaloo trying to get his attention.
“OH, OH, OH, CAN I ANSWER IT!” She asked in an overly excited tone. To really show she was serious the young Pegasus yanked Jon so far down that he was now looking at her eye to eye, his shocked expression matched only by her desire to play with the strange human’s device.
Normally Jon would have said no, he did not like other people playing with this phone, but since this was not his business phone, and the fact that it was Manhattan, there was a good chance it was just someone from the Stewart Family home asking where he was. When he weighed the pros and cons he saw no harm with indulging her.
“...Sure.” He said as he gave the still ringing phone to Scootaloo.
“Awesome!” She roared as her two friends crowded around her to look at her new find, jumping at cheering at this opportunity.
“Okay, now listen very carefully, sport. When you answer the phone this is what you need to say,” He lectured, stopping briefly to make sure she was listening. “‘Hello, you have reached Jon Stewart’s private phone number. Who should I say is calling and how can I direct your call’... think you can do that?”
“Uh, yeah sure!” Scootaloo said.
“Are you positive?” Jon asked. “Remember it’s ‘Hello, you have reached Jon Stewart’s private phone number. Who should I say is calling and how can I direct your call’”
“Yeah, yeah I got it.” She assured him. “‘Hello, you’ve reached Jon Stewart’s phone.. Who are you and how can I dissect your call’... can I answer it now!?”
“Close enough.” He thought. With a nod of the head Jon gave her permission to proceed. Interestingly instead of using her hoof to slide the lock off the phone to answer she instead used the top of her left wing while using her hooves to hold the phone in place. She then without hesitation held it to her ear and took a deep breath, fully ready to speak... only to remain silent. She forgot her lines.
“What’s up!” She yelled, causing Jon to bury his face in his hands while she continued to talk to whoever was on the other line. “Who me? My name is Scootaloo...yes it is...yes he is... I don’t know can you?... I don’t know... who are you !?...A likely story lady! How do I know if Jon even has a wife!?”
“Give me that!” Jon demanded as he swiped his phone back while the three troublemakers giggled to each other. “Oh, and if I were you I’d cross ‘secretary’ off your list of possible Cutie Marks.”
Curious as to what this call was about all three fillies gathered around Jon trying their best to hear what was being said, though much like before the conversation was completely one-sided.
“Hey babe don’t worry I’m here... no... no that was just uh... just a fan of mine... yeah, no I am... yeah... yeah I’m in Ponyville because of... well you know.” He said as the three girls tried to guess what she was saying. “Wait what... oh that... yeah it’s another one of the equipments I... no that does happen... I agree just call Selina and tell her to pick it up... exactly yes... okay... okay I will, I promise... okay... yes, I love you too babe, bye.”
After their short conversation ended Jon promptly holstered his device back over his heart whereupon he saw Applebloom and Sweetie Belle staring at him with glinted eyes.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww!” They both trilled.
“What?” Jon said.
“You said the ‘L’ word!” Sweetie Belle answered.
“I didn’t know you had your own very special somepony!” Applebloom added.
“Let’s get one thing straight here.” He said in a off tone. “Tracey ain’t no pony! She’s Catholic.”
Despite his jesting the two friends continued their affectionate cooing. Scootaloo by comparison was expressively indifferent towards the subject.
“So what did she want?” Scootaloo asked while trying to put a gap between her and her squawking friends.
“Oh nothing really, she just wanted to know where I was,” he answered. “And to tell me that she found one of my suitcases.”
“...Suitcases?” Scootaloo asked, as she and her friends moved in, their bodies fueled by curiosity. “What suitcases.”
“Oh it’s nothing special you see I... well not too long ago I did a special episode here in Equestria.” Jon explained. “I got to interview Princess Luna in front of the Castle.”
“Oh I remember that one!” Sweetie Belle exclaimed.
“Me too!” Scootaloo added. “It’s my favorite episode ever... well second next to Rainbow Dash’s of course.”
“Yeah well Celestia... wait... you girls watch my show?” He asked.
“Of course we do!” Applebloom proudly announced. “We always take time in between crusading to watch you on TV.”
This declaration was only slightly exaggerated. Applebloom wanted to assure Jon that they were loyal fans... in practice it just made him feel uncomfortable.
Jon’s opinions on censorship was always a wavering one. In his younger years he was always against it and when someone brought up that without it kids might see inappropriate content his response would be to point out that they would just see it anyway and if you deny it to them they’ll just want to see it more. When he was a kid his mother always told him to not look at those hidden magazines at the corner bodega but that only made him want to do it more.
His opinions on the subject leaned less liberal when he had his own kids however; both he and his wife made sure they didn’t watch his show. And while Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo weren’t his kids, he still felt awkward.
“By the way... we were watching an episode of yours the other day and you were talking about something we didn’t understand.” Applebloom said. “Remember girls?”
“Oh that’s right!” Scootaloo complied. “You were talking about something called... 'congress.'”
“Ah, I actually get this alot.” Jon admitted. One thing he learned about Pony audiences was that for the most part his base sense of humour was very easy to infer upon but a great deal of context was lost to them. For almost all of them when Jon made a joke about a certain person or body of government they understood the how portion of the joke but not the way.
“Yeah so can we ask you a question about that?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Sure. If there is anything you want to clarify for you let me know.” Jon offered, actually looking forward to sharing his knowledge of American politics to such young minds.
“Alright... well in your show you called congress a certain word.” Applebloom said. “And we didn’t know what it meant.”
“Oh no.” Jon thought, now thinking that maybe he might be way over his head.
“... What does ‘Procrasturbation’ mean?” She asked. Definitely way over head.
“OKAY! Uh... whew... alright uh well you see... um.” Jon stammered before clearing his throat and sitting straight up. “Ask your parents.”
“Ugh! That’s what everypony says!” A disappointed Scootaloo grumbled as she wiped her nose.
“Well I’m sorry but I just don’t feel like... I mean aren’t you girls a little too young to be watching my show?” He asked with a concerned look about him.
“Pfft you sound just like my sister.” Applebloom sneered. “She’s always telling me to not watch your show.”
“Mine too!” Sweetie Belle added. “Rarity says it’s a bad influence on me and it teaches young fillies how to use foul language.”
“...Well?” Jon asked. “Do you end up saying bad words?” There was a silence followed by a quick shifting eyes from the three friends.
“I don't know.” Appleboom answered.
“Uh, a-a-anyway!” Scootaloo injected, to try and change the subject. “About those suitcases!”
“Huh? Oh right! So anyway after I finished interview Luna I was approached by Celestia backstage... she said that the show was such a monumental success that she wished to keep the portable Daily Show stage here as a keepsake... apparently it’s going to be put on display at the Canterlot Museum’s hall of fame or something.” He continued to explain. “Well all she needed from me was the stage and backdrop... everything else that we had brought, lights, cameras, sound equipment etcetera, we brought back but we didn’t take all of it at once.. so every now and again the Princess sends me some of my leftover gear... it’s a pain, but at least almost everything is accounted for.”
“Oh.” Scootaloo said, slightly disappointed by Jon’s lackluster explanation. “But then how do you do your show without all your gear?”
“No, no the stage we brought here was an easily portable one.” He answered. “It’s the same one we took to Washington and Florida and... it was a spare... a spare set so we could afford parting with it for so long.”
While Scootaloo and Applebloom wondered what Washington and Florida were, Sweetie Belle had a sudden moment of clarity so powerful that a tiny spark of magic ignited at the tip of her horn like a small firework.
“I GET IT NOW! I KNOW WHY YOU’RE HERE!” She announced surprising everyone in the room. “You’re here to interview my sister!”
This sudden accusation made Sweetie Belle’s two friends immediately look up at Jon who was sporting a similar look of uncertainty.
“Beg pardon?” Jon said.
“That’s why you’re here in Carousel Boutique! You’re ‘secret mission’ is to ask my sister to come on your show!” She explained, confident with her theory. “And that’s why you didn’t tell us because you wanted it to be a surprise!”
Before Jon could explain how her interpretations of Jon’s visit was misguided her two friends joined the fray, apparently sharing her assumptions.
“Of course! It all makes sense now! You’ve interviewed all our sister's except Sweetie Belle’s!” Scootaloo joined in. “You interviewed my sister; Rainbow Dash, and you’ve interviewed Applebloom’s sister, Applejack... now all you gotta do is interview Rarity!”
Hey yeah that's true!" Applebloom agreed. "Well except for the part about you and Rainbow Dash since you don't actually have a sis-”
Before she could finish her sentence Scootaloo quickly shoved her hoof into her mouth to prevent her from speaking, before looking back at Jon.
“Like I said... you’ve already interviewed our sisters, but not her’s.” Scootaloo added.
“That’s gotta be why you’re here! Right Johnny!?” Applebloom asked after breaking free. “You’re here to ask Rarity to come on your show.”
Jon hated to have to disappoint children.
“Look girls... I’m sorry to have to say this but... that’s actually not why I’m here.” Jon confessed, earning him a mixture of shocked and disheartened faces.
“W-w-what!?” Sweetie Belle exclaimed!
“Then why the heck are you even here!?” Scootaloo demanded to know.
“I’m here because...” Jon paused, he couldn't bring himself to actually go there at the moment. “Well like I said it’s top secret because--”
“Because you really are going to ask Rarity!” Sweetie Belle interrupted, convinced that there was still a chance. “But you just don’t want to tell us yet!”
“Geez you don’t give up do ya, hun?” Jon sighed. “Ok look I’ll tell you why I’m really here.”
The three friends suddenly stopped with either trying to converse with Jon or each other and immediately sat down to listen like it was story time at school.
“Alright listen... the reason I’m here is because... is because I’m trying to sneak into Canterlot Castle.” He confessed, much to the confusion of the three fillies.
“Uh Johnny?” Applebloom said. “You do know this aint the castle right?”
“Hey! I’m not senile yet!” He exclaimed. “I know this isn’t the castle I just... I just ducked in here for a bit as a slight detour.”
“Why... do you want to go to the castle?” Scootaloo asked.
“Okay that’s definitely top secret.” He continued. “But just know it has nothing to do with my show or Rarity.”
Upon hearing the revelation the entire room went quiet. After some quick exchanges one of the fillies finally spoke.
“So... you’re not here for my sister?” Sweetie Belle asked, her eyes looking like they were about to shed a tear.
“I’m afraid not.” Jon guiltily confirmed. Again silence, and again broken by Sweetie Belle.
“Well then... can you ask her anyway?” She said.
“Oh honey,” Jon grumbled “I’d love to but it’s just not in the schedule right now... besides I don’t think--”
“OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE, OH PLEASE!” She begged, jumping up and down like she was trying to kill a spider. “PLEASE HAVE MY SISTER ON YOUR SHOW! She’s real nice, and pretty, and smart, and kind, and, and, and I’m sure your audience will love her!”
“You can do it, right big guy!?” Scootaloo joined. “I know nothing will beat Rainbow Dash’s interview when it comes to coolness, but Rarity is an alright mare!”
“Yeah come on Johnny! Rarity’s real nice! She even helped make our capes! If you had her on your show, I’ll bet she’ll make some costumes for you too!” Applebloom added, trying to jump on his lap. “If you do we’ll make you an honorary member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!”
“GIRLS PLEASE!” Jon said, loud enough so they could hear him. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, really I do... but the fact of the matter here is...”
Jon paused at the sight that was now before him. Like synchronized swimmers all three fillies lined in in a row and were now looking at Jon with large watery eyes and pouty lips. Jon knew this technique all too well for it was the same method used by his own children from time to time.
“Oh god the puppy eyes,” Jon thought. “Why did it have to be the puppy eyes.”
With almost a decade of living with their father both Maggie and Nathan latched on to the idea very early on that Jon had weakness for adorable children with begging faces... an idea they so thoroughly abused because it was true. Whenever they wanted anything they always went to their father rather than their mother (since Tracey McShane worked with animals she, over time, developed an immunity to puppy eyes from literal puppies).
Jon was determined to fight such steady streams of concentrated cuteness... maybe in another decade when his kids were all grown up would Jon finally learn to resist such things. But today was not that day.
“Look girls I... I mean you three are very... I’m sure Rarity is... look just because I.... I... come on girls give me ah...” Jon stammered, finding it hard to talk when he was looking at three pairs of eyes so big he could almost see his reflection. Scootaloo’s stuffy nose really helped in making her look extra pathetic.
Soon artificial tears began to form and their lips began to quiver, thus sealing the deal. It felt as if Jon's heart was bout to break down the middle so without even thinking about it he said the first thing that came to mind that would make them stop.
“Okay fine!” He blurted as he threw his arms in the air before a rain cloud could materialize over their heads. “I’ll have Rarity on my show just please for the love of god stop looking at me like that!”
If Jon could go back in time and give himself some advice (Other than telling himself to get some more sleep the day BEFORE his wedding because, no matter how many ways you explain it, there’s no getting out of yawning during your father-in-law’s toast) it would be to have covered his ears at the exact moment he agreed to have Rarity on his show. The reason being because the cheering and cries of delight were so loud he felt as if he would need a hearing aid afterwards.
“You really mean it!” Sweetie Belle yelled over her still cheering friends. “You’ll really interview Rarity!”
“If it’s alright with her then yes,” Jon explained. “But on one condition!”
“Sure, anything!” Applebloom commented. “If you still want to be a member of our club that’s fine! Since you don’t have a Cutie Mark you technically qualify.”
“No not that, but thanks... remember how I said I wanted to sneak into the Castle?” He asked, getting some nods in return. “No you don’t.”
“Oooooooh sure thing Johnny!” Applebloom blurted. “You were never going to the Castle.”
With a slight raise of his eyebrow Jon gave her a look.
“Oh! I mean uh... what castle?” She added with a wink. Jon gave her an affirming nod which only served to confuse someone else.
“What do you mean ‘what castle?’” Scootaloo interjected. “The one that Jon tried to sneak his way into without the Princess-- OOF!”
Before she could finish both Sweetie Belle and Applebloom elbowed her in the stomach, causing Jon to chuckle to himself.
“Well then,” Jon sighed as the implications of his decision weighed in. “It looks like my plans have changed a bit... I’ll probably have to go home early now to get things set up... so... where is this Rarity anyway.”
Standing up now Jon looked in all direction as if he was trying to find her in all the mess.
“Oh she said she’ll be back soon.” Sweetie Belle answered. “She went to mail a package but she always gets distracted on the way back by potential clients.”
Jon continued to have a look at the store which was still in shambles from the Crusaders’ running about.
“If that’s the case shouldn't you clean this mess up?” He asked. “I can’t imagine your sister would like her shop being such a pigsty.”
“Oh yeah... that would be a good idea.” Applebloom commented as she followed Jon’s vision to across the room. “You wanna help us.”
Rather than saying yes or no Jon looked down at three fillies sporting their best youthful faces of innocents.
“If I say ‘no’ you guys will just do that begging thing again, won’t you?” He asked.
“Probably.” Applebloom responded with a smirk.
“Okay, fine.” Jon sighed as he moved across the room, with the fillies following close behind, to pick up a fallen closeline. “Let’s get started before you roll any more sevens.”
With smiles bolted by rivets of bliss, the three young fillies cheerfully helped Jon pick up the many fabrics littered across the floor. The four of them said nothing, leaving Jon alone with this thoughts actively trying to piece together in his head how things ended up like this. In the end he decided that this wasn’t such a bad twist of fate... he had to admit he was curious about this potential new guest of his. Though he still much rather be at the castle.
But while everyone continued their cleanup detail someone was slowly approaching the outside of the boutique. Someone who by all rights had no idea of what was going on within its walls.
The four of them barely got started when the sound of a door opening caused them to look up from what they were doing. It came from the other side of the building towards the entrance. What really cemented their now captured attention was the voice that followed with it.
“Oh Sweetie Belle,” An almost angelic voice echoed. “I’m back from the...AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH. WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS GOING ON HERE!?”
The voice in question went from heavenly to ghastly in a fraction of a second, almost as if the person had a stunt double for just such an occasion.
“The hell was that?” Jon asked.
“That...” Sweetie Belle gulped. “Would be my sister.”
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
With Jon and the three fillies clear across the room from where the entrance was they could not see who it was that had entered the facility. Though based on the voice and frantic rate of speech, those who had already met her knew it was Rarity.
Rather than coming out from hiding, the four intruders stayed back and waited as the voice got louder and louder. The three girls coward in front of Jon who stood tall, curious to see this pony who was getting closer.
“What happened to my boutique!? Why is my entire clothing line for the next season out of storage!? Oh for the love of-- this will take me forever to clean up!” The voice shrilled, her tone not angry, but rather a mixture of anxiety and panic. “Oh my goodness, I have a very important client coming over to take a look at my inventory and they’re all over the floor! AH! My favorite sewing machine it’s completely... did somepony wipe their nose on my new silk fabric!?”
All eyes, including Jon’s, went to Scootaloo.
“What!?” She sniffled. “I didn’t do it!”
“Who said that? Is somepony there?” The voice continued, now heading more towards their direction. “Sweetie Belle, I am in no mood for your little games! If I find out that you and your friends did this then I swear by my all that is fabulous I’ll--”
Even though the three fillies were in front of Jon, his towering figure meant that the eyes of the distressed pony went straight to him. Jon now found himself in a uncertain but very familiar situation.
There he stood across the way from a white unicorn with well maintained purple hair, staring at him with gapped mouth, though unlike with Lyra Jon didn’t feel the need to run and hide... unbeknownst to him however, in terms of gusto this new pony was just as eager to meet him. Though in this unexpected turn of events all she could do was stare, unable to move. The way her mouth tried to move made it look like she was talking but no words came out. Seeing that her sister was unable to speak Sweetie Belle decided to step forward with an introduction.
“Uh... Rarity?” Sweetie Belle said. “I would like you to meet my friend... this is Jo--”
“Jon Stewart.” Rarity interrupted. “You’re sixteen Emmy award winning, New York resident, published author, Jon Stewart.” Again there was now only silence.
Since it was clear that no four legged individual present in the room knew where to go from here, Jon took it upon himself to carry things home.
“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Ms. Rarity.” He said while walking towards her. “Though I must say, you seem to have me at a disadvantage; you seem to know an awful lot about me but I barely know anything about you.”
For someone like Jon whose status in the world meant he’s attended many social gatherings, he knew when to spot someone of upper class backgrounds. Everything about Rarity screamed a socialite; the way she walked, the way she expressed herself, her mid-atlantic accent, even the dresses she had out in the open looked exactly the same as some of the ensembles he saw back when he took his wife on a dinner date at Canterlot.
There was no mistaking it, this pony was indeed an aristocrat. So in accordance with their social constructs Jon greeted her in a way most revered among their class; as gently as he could Jon lifted Rarity’s hoof and give it a quick peck as a show of respect.
“G....g-g-g-g...GIRLS, WHAT IS THE FAMOUS JON STEWART DOING IN MY HOUSE!?” Rarity roared, as if that innocent kiss was a flame sparking a fuse. Her voice carried so far that some ponies walking outside could hear her.
All three girls looked at each other quickly as if they were telepathically getting their stories straight.
“Oh uh, well,” Applebloom stammered. “You see Johnny here to uh... he’s--”
“He was just looking for somepony to be on his show!” Sweetie Belle interjected. “Uh... right girls?”
“Y-yeah that’s right! He’s definitely not here on some super secret mission to infiltrate the castle or anything like that.” Scootaloo said, punctuated her explanation with a wink to Jon causing him to stealthily use his hand to gesture her to stop talking, but Rarity didn’t notice. All she picked up was the fact that Jon was looking for a guest.
“He... he’s looking for someone to. Be. On. His. Show?” Rarity asked in an eerily placed tone, like someone had taken control of her mind.
“Well yeah,” Sweetie Belle answered. “But don’t worry sis cause he’s already--”
“OH MY GOODNESS IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING!” Rarity bellowed. Before Sweetie Belle could explain her now overly determined sister grabbed the three shocked fillies and forcibly began to push them towards the door.
“Okay girls playtime is over! I think it’s time you all skedaddled!” She encouraged as she rushed through the piles of clothings rather than walking around it, causing Opal, who was still in the room, to scurry off in protest. “Me and Mr. Stewart need to discuss... uh, grown up things! This is my big chance to go on television I won’t have you all ruin it!”
“But sis you don’t understand!” Sweetie Belle begged. “He’s already--”
“Yes, yes that’s all very lovely but I need to be alone with Mr. Stewart now.” She interrupted. “Why don’t you and your friends go outside and play tag or whatever it is you three do these days.”
“Uh well okay,” Sweetie Belle uttered, as she almost tripped over a display racking getting pushed to the door. “But I really think you shouldlistenwhenIsaythatyou--”
The sound of the door slamming shut ended Sweetie Belle’s frantic attempt of an explanation. Taking a deep breath Rarity turned around and looked as if she was about to say something, but as her mouth opened the door flew open again, followed by Applebloom sticking her head in.
“Bye, bye Johnny!” She waved. “Don’t be a stranger now!” Before Jon could return the gesture Rarity quickly turned around and slammed the door a second time, this time following up by locking it shut.
Jon wasn’t used to seeing such burst of energy coming from such a small person. Looking onwards he saw the once frantic unicorn standing on her hind legs with her front hooves pressed against the door, her back moving up and down, a sure sign that she was taking a moment to steady her breathing.
The room was now quiet with only the sound of wind occasionally slipping under the ajar window to fill the void. Jon was moments away from asking if she was alright but soon a new sound found it’s way into the void... it was the sound of Rarity taking a deep breath before turning around.
“Mr. Stewart, darling so good of you to pay me a visit!” She said, her voice flowing from her lips like honey with her tone just as sweet. “I must say it’s an absolute delight to finally make your acquaintance.”
“Uh... likewise.” Jon said, shocked at how her disposition did a complete 180.
“Though what a dreadful shame it is that you must endure seeing me in my present state!” She continued, as she placed her hoof across her forehead in a pose that suggested that she would faint at any moment. “I mean look at me, my hair is an absolute mess and I haven’t even gotten my hooves filed down today... not to mention my boutique lays in ruins! Oh! You must think I’m absolutely barbaric!”
Jon was tempted to to remind her that the last time she met him he was laying face down in a pool of his own blood... a few degrees worse than messy hair but doing so would have made things even more awkward than they already were.
“No, no it’s fine!” Jon assured her. “I’ve seen worse... after all I did grow up in New Jersey.” Immediately Jon regretted using such a foreign joke on a native, luckily for him Rarity was in full suck up mode.
In response to his predictable joke she immediately burst out laughing, almost as if she saw it coming and was waiting for her cue to respond.
“Oh Mr. Stewart you do go on! I can see why they gave such a handsome man such as yourself your own show!” She complimented. “I see even when off camera you’re still as comical as ever! Good heavens, just listen to me me rambling on! Please, please have a seat.”
“No, no that’s alright I’ll stand.” He rebutted, as he looked around at that ever present mess. “Uh listen before we go any further I just want you to know--”
“Would you like something to drink!” Rarity offered as she rushed over to him so quickly, he barely noticed her. “Perhaps a cup of tea with a danish? I just acquired a heavenly new blend of lemon flavored herbal tea and some pastries that are to die for.”
“No that’s alright I’m trying to watch my figure.” He joked as he patted his stomach.
“Oh nonsense Jonathan you-- Can I call you Jonathan?” She asked before immediately continuing. “You simply must eat something, I insist! You’re all skin and bones, darling!
Back home Jon knew a guy who lived on the upper west side. His name was Frank Henderson and he knew him through mutual friends and on occasion would run into him and his wife during some charity meetings or some such events. Jon was reminded of him because Rarity reminded him a lot of Henderson’s wife in that she too spoke similarly in tongue and had an almost identical forceful personality. The only difference here being that Rarity was the same color as a marshmallow whereas Mrs. Henderson was in the shape of one.
“Uh, thanks I suppose.” Jon cleared his throat as he sat back down. The second his butt made contact with his previously used seat Rarity dashed off to a nearby kitchen where the sound of pots and pans being thrown about caught his attention. In response to this he called out to her. “But seriously you don’t need to!”
“Oh pish posh Jonathan, it is only appropriate.” She answered back even louder. “You are my guest and it is my duty-- NAY! My responsponsibility to see you as comfortable as possible.”
“She’s some piece of work.” Jon thought as he rubbed the back of his head before calling back out to her. “Uh, Mis Rarity, this is all very nice, but I think it’d be pertinent of me to explain why I’m here.”
“Oh, I know exactly why you’re here,” She said poking her head from the kitchen, her eyes gleaming
“...You do?” Jon challenged with furrowed brow.
“Oh but of course darling!” She said as she went back to prepare his snack. “I happen to know from dear friends of mine that you sometimes come to our world to looking for potential guests... I’m not sure how many of ponies you’re currently considering, but let me just say your search is over, dear!”
“Uh, Ms. Rarity I don’t think you understand.” Jon called out. “I’ve already--”
“Oh please Johnathan just call me Rarity!” She called back “And don’t worry I understand perfectly. Like I said I know what’s going on... you’re here to evaluate me... to see if I’m important enough for your program!”
Before Jon could correct her she emerged from the kitchen while simultaneously holding a tray of sweets and beverages.
“I can see it now! The illustrious Jonathan Stewart scouting the four corners of Equestria in desperate search for a pony, a pony worthy enough to grace his show for all the world to see!” She said, delivering each line with a dramatic voice. “Well Mr. Stewart look no further... for I, Rarity, am that pony!”
Jon recalled the Cutie Mark on her flank and tried to make the connection between diamonds and overreacting.
“Uh, Rarity?” Jon said.
“Now then darling, let’s get things started shall we,” She said using her magic to levitate a cup of hot tea to his hand. “Now of course you may ask me anything you’d like, but do err on the side of civility, we just met and we wouldn’t want every single last single detail about myself being revealed now would we?.”
“Uh... Rarity?” Jon repeated.
“No, no you’re right it’s your program so it’s your rules!” She now insisted. “Feel free to ask any question your hearts desire! Please I insist, I am your open book!”
“Uh... Alright then,” Jon warned as he examined his cup of tea. “Uh... first question I uh, I guess... how did you make this tea so quickly? You couldn’t’ve been in that pantry for more than a couple of minutes.”
“Oh... that? Why, no mystery there Jonathan,” She answered by tapping her horn. Carefully she tilted her head and used her magic to make his tea bubble with heat friction. “Just some old fashioned Unicorn magic... really comes in handy for us seamstresses. Just one of many reasons why you should let me appear on your program.”
“Ah yes indeed. But you do know this is completely unnecessary, right?” He asked.
“OH! Of course what was I thinking!?” She announced, but not before using her magic to yank Jon’s beverage out of his hand a split second before he was about to take a sip. “You obviously didn’t come here to see some cheap parlor trick. “I’m certain a gentleman of your caliber has already seen his fair share of magic... so allow me to demonstrate what makes Rarity a very important pony.”
Using her magic once again the insistence Unicorn made a nearby measuring tape float in mid air, causing it to twist and turn as it she had given it life. Slowly she walked over to Jon with determined eyes and the measuring tape slithering towards him like a hungry snake.
“Rarity.” Jon murmured with uncertainty. “What are you doing?”
“Do not worry Jonathan, I just merely want to take your measurements.” She explaining, stopping in her tracks and waving him to come to her. “Once I have that I’ll get to work right away with making you a new suit to replace that drab one you’re currently wearing which I can only assume you wore ironically for comedic effect, yes?”
“Oh uh... yeah... yeah sure.” Jon lied, that was his favorite suit. “Listen though, you don’t need to do this I mean... I mean don’t waste your time on me you-- didn’t you say you had a client coming over... wouldn't look good if he saw this mess would it? If you want I can help--”
“What, this?” Rarity asked, motioning to a large pile of clothes, both hung and on the ground. “Oh that’s nothing darling, please ignore it.”
Using her Magic the purple haired unicorn bulldozed a large section of the clothes off to the side into a pile of dresses and work related gear, making a clear path from Jon to a standing mirror. In practice doing more damage and causing more of a mess than Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo combined.
“Now then... do be a dear and come over here.” She continued. Tentatively Jon walked up to the five set mirrors aligned so that whoever looked at it would see him from several different angles. “Now then... hold still.”
Using her magic she made the tape lunge at Jon only to redirect and align itself against his arm, around his waist, and across his chest. While this was happening Rarity took extensive notes, recording corresponding numbers.
“Let’s see... shoulders; check, arms; check, torso; check.” She listed in detail. “Alright we’re just about done, here. Do me a favor Jonathan; bend over.”
“Wait Rarity I don’t think I-- Argh!” Jon yelped. Even though she technically asked, she used her magic to force Jon to lean forward in such a way that it would be easier to measure his legs.
“Ah! I see you fancy the boot cut on your slacks.” Rarity noticed. “Very elegant, if I do say so myself.”
Now finished with her measurements, Rarity released Jon from his magical restraints so suddenly that he almost fell forwards. When he hoisted himself back up, he was greeted with the sound of machines being used, he turned around to notice that his Unicorn friend wasted no time in getting to work on his new suit.
“Do not worry Jonathan, I’ll have your new attire ready in no time!” She assured him as she used both her magic and front hooves to work machine and select fabrics. Jon wasn’t too knowledgeable on how a fashionista works so for their safety he decided to leave her alone less he distract her and cause anyone an unwanted injury.
So for a while Jon just sat on a nearby table and enjoyed his tea while Rarity worked at break neck speed making Jon feel lazy by comparison. After a while Jon felt like even more of a burden, so to feel more useful Jon picked up a nearby clothes rack and wiped any debris off of it. It was only when he did a third this did he see some other pony standing outside of Rarity’s building, peeking through the window. and knocking on the door, like a dog wanting to be let back into the house.
He seemed to have been someone of grave importance based on how he looked. He was a slightly balding unicorn with a sweater vest, pencil balanced on his ear, and a similar measuring tape as Rarity’s draped around his neck. He was slightly older and looked like a pony version of Tim Gunn which to Jon meant that he might have the appointment that Rarity was talking about.
“Uh... Rarity?” Jon said as the knocking continued. “I think your appointment is already h--”
“GO AWAY!” Rarity yelled at the pony outside. “I’M BUSY!” And with that the terrified pony scampered off.
“Rarity seriously I don’t want to be a burden here,” Jon said, turning around. “If you have other engagements I can just come back lat--”
“DONE!” She exclaimed.
“E-excuse me?” He said.
“I hereby pronounce your new suit complete!” She went on, using her magic to levitate a jet black suit with light grey stripes going up and down the body and appendages. This was Rarity’s first time making anything for a human which is particularly impressive considering how well it looked. It’s proportions was identical to Jon’s and was complete with a sports jacket, slacks, and even a vest.
Jon was stunned to see that it was done already. He took his eyes off her for what seems like a few seconds and already she was done. Fueled by astonishment Jon walked towards his generous gift and began to run his palm against the fabric... not only was it the best looking suit he’d ever seen it was also the best feeling one as well.
“Incredible.” Jon commented. “I’ve never seen such elegant craftsmanship before... and it took you what? five minutes?”
“Six actually. I was taking my time.” She said. “Now then let’s see how it looks on you!” Her horn began to glow as it slowly worked the buttons on Jon’s jacket, eventually levitation it above his head. At first Jon didn’t know what was going on but now he could see clearly that Rarity aimed to undress him and replace his garbs with the newer one.
“Wha-- hey now, stop that!” He shouted, forgetting about how, in Equestria, there wasn’t really such a thing as being exposed. “I realize you want to see how it fits but come on! This is hardly the place!”
“Oh my word, you’re right!” She agreed, as she used her magic to neatly fold Jon’s new suit in a nearby box. “How foolish of me... if we're going to do this we shall do it right! Come Jonathan let us leave this place!”
“I-- wait what!?” Jon asked as she pushed Jon towards the exit in the same manner that she did with her sister. “Wait! What’s going on here!?”
“Why I’m going to treat you to a night on the town!” She revealed. “Let’s show Ponyville what real socialites can do!”
"Wait Rarity please you don't have to do this on my account!" Jon urged. "I mean that suit just in itself was--"
“Wasn’t enough? Yes I agree.” Rarity interrupted. “But don’t you worry! Because I declare that by the end of this day I’ll will have convinced you beyond reasonable doubt that I Rarity should have a slot as a guest on your show... watch your head.” Looking forward Jon saw the door to the outside world, closing in fast. Using her magic Rarity made the front door swing open as Jon ducked to avoid get hit.
When the door itself flew open it made an odd crashing sound like it terminated on something soft. When he turned to investigate what it was it soon found that the fashion pony, that was trying to desperately before to get in, had camped out of the boutique for a chance to speak with Rarity. He had, however, foolishly placed himself on the left side of the door meaning that when the door opened he was on its receiving end.
When Rarity closed the door Jon saw a good look at him; he looked to be in great pain as he slid down onto the floor like a pancake being scooted off a frying pan. Jon didn’t even have time to ask if he was okay since Rarity was already using her magic to push him down the street further and further.
“Wait Rarity I-- you don’t... I mean could you at least tell me where we’re going!?” He begged.
“Why of course darling! Before we head out we need clean ourselves up first.” She explained, as she hurried Jon around a nearby corner. “We’re going to the Spa! My treat! But while we go there allow me to explain to you why you should have me on your show.... ahem, now then...”
“Oh boy.” Jon thought. “What... have I gotten myself into?”
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
“How did it come to this?” Jon thought, as he made another look around the room to make sure he was indeed where he actually was. “Just... how.”
Maybe his current whereabouts said more about his future guest than it did about him, but Jon was having a hard time figuring out how his trip to Equestria, which he originally made to see his potentially dying friend in the hospital, could end up with him instead at a local spa waiting for his turn. This was not the waiting room he thought he’d be occupying by this time.
Somehow Rarity had convinced Jon that they were to have a little Spa date as part of a non-existent plea agreement. When they walked up to the counter she got them both penciled in without making an appointment by the patrons who knew her by name. She was determined to convince him to have her on her show; and this was just the beginning.
He and Rarity took to seating towards the back of the room, giving them both a good view of the entire area. Jon took the first seat he saw which was a ugly looking chair with bumpy cushions; who’s only qualifying factor being it was large enough to accommodate Jon’s size. He would have picked a pink fluffy-looking beanbag chair resting in the corner but he knew better than to even try and sit in it; his knees and back would never forgive him.
Rarity didn’t have the same problem as Jon about where to sit, all she had to do was clap her hooves three times and nearby worker rushed over with a series of pillows for her to rest on.
Looking down he laid eyes on the piece of paper which he had nervously been fiddling with for awhile now. On it read the number 82; it was given to him by the desk pony who also gave him a pamphlet on some of the services they provided. Jon took the number while Rarity took the pamphlet to see what specials were going on at the moment.
Jon had unknowingly passed this particular establishment a few times but his eyes always glanced over it. From the outside it didn’t exactly look a place of business let alone a spa. The exterior of the place looked more like someone tried to make a house in the shape of circus tent with a purple funnel shaped roof and white surfaces decorated with gold painted on designs.
The lobby of the spa acted as sort of a waiting room with some tasteful light fixtures hanging from the ceiling and potted plants hugging close to the magenta wall. The room was round and matched the color of a pink and purple spiral rug on the ground. Pictures of celebrities hung on a wall that seemed to have been designated for that purpose alone.
There were three doorways from where Jon stood. One led to a series of interconnecting rooms where ponies either got massages, facials, or their manes tended to while the other across from it led to rooms designated for mud baths and steam rooms. The third and final door was the one and only exit which was far enough from Jon to make it feel like escapse was impossible.
Unknown to Jon at the time, there was an unspoken rule that the waiting room had to be absolutely silent, or at the very least whisper slightly like you're in a library. This rule seemed to be completely lost on Rarity who was spending the majority of her waiting time listing her credentials as she was still determined to seal the deal.
“...Now then, reason number 55 as to why you should have me on your show. I’ll have you know I haven’t been to the dentist in almost a decade.” She explained, blindly unaware that Jon had been zoning in and out whenever he could. “The reason being that the good doctor proclaimed that my teeth were the most perfect specimens she had ever seen! According to her there was no reason for me to even make an appointment... speaking of which did I mention that this place allows me to get serviced without making any consultations. Which brings me to reason number 56 for why I should be allowed on your show... my connections in this town are some of the best...”
And with that Jon was now back to idly retreating back to his own mind, leaving Rarity’s explanation to fade into white noise. No one present seemed bothered by her constant grandstanding, even the two owners of the spa, a pair of twins who occasionally peeked into the waiting room, saw her making a commotion but did nothing. For Jon this just meant that Rarity was right in her saying that she was well known here... a regular Jon had to guess.
Slowly he looked around at some of the other pony patrons present in the waiting room to see if they were annoyed by Rarity ramblings, but their attention was elsewhere. It seemed that for all her loud banter she wasn’t the most notable person in the room.
The guests waiting alongside them were a random assortment of ponies, some male, mostly female, but all either looking at Jon or pretending to do something else but very obviously looking at Jon. As many times as he’s been to Equestria Jon was still not used to ponies gawking at his mere presence but in this case since none of them were climbing over each other to talk to him he could, for the time being, deal with staring eyes.
Coincidentally, though understandable given his only occasional visits, Jon didn’t recognize a single pony in this building, though they varied in shape, color, and race.
One Earthpony was the same shade of dark blue from tail to body to mane. Her color ballet gave the impression that someone dunked her in a vat of blue paint; an apt comparison since her Cutie Mark seemed to be a Inkblot of some kind.
Another pony that caught his attention was a grey pegasus who was one of the only male ponies present in the room. The reason Jon noticed him was for two reasons, one being his Cutie Mark, which looked to be a film camera and his short messy mane which were the same color scheme as his tail; three even streaks of red, white and blue. It reminded Jon of the American flag.
Though out of all the ponies currently staring at him one, or rather two that really stood out to Jon was a pair of “Unicorns” sitting next to him. The thing about them that got Jon’s attention more than anyone else was the fact that, like the owners of the spa, they were both twins.
Both were a light grey with their only distinctive difference being that the one sitting right next to him had orange hair while her sister had blue hair. The orange one had a Cutie mark depicting an orange arrow pointing up whereas her sister had a blue arrow pointing down.
What also set them apart from each other was their facial expressions. The orange sister seemed joyously happy, whether it be because she was about to go get some beautification done or that she was sitting next to Jon. Whatever it was her smile would not go away.
Her sister on the other hand looked to be in a bad mood. Her face looked like she just saw her worst enemy eating the last piece of chocolate that she herself had set aside. Her eyes looked angry and her frown only deepened when Jon looked her way.
The only reason why he was staring at them both was because of their horns. He’d noted that in Equestria some horns looked different in length, and that was usually it. But these sisters both had horns that eventually dipped downward, ending in a tip that wasn’t pointed but a ball of mass like someone had put an ornament on a car antenna and bent it down halfway.
Was it a deformity? A Spell gone wrong? A fashion accessory? Jon had no idea but he would have a chance to ask since the orange haired sister leaned and placed her hoof against the opposite side of her mouth.
“This your first time here?” She whispered. Before answering Jon looked over to his left at Rarity who was still blindly talking about herself to herself; still unaware of Jon’s lack of attention. He rightfully assumed she wouldn’t notice him talking to someone else.
“First time to a pony spa... yes, yes it is.” Jon leaned to his right side to answer. “Is it that obvious?”
“I’m afraid so. You look absolutely lost... plus most ponies who come in here don’t pick that chair to sit in,” the strange unicorn motioned towards his seat. “It’s really uncomfortable.”
“Oh so that’s why everyone's staring at me.” He chuckled, causing his new friend to do the same before extending her hoof for an official introduction.
“Hi, my name is Karma.” She giggled. “Sitting next to me is my sister, Disentia.”
“Hello, Karma.” He said, grabbing her hoof for a firm shake. “My name is--”
“Oh, I know who you are.” She interrupted with a slightly guilted expression for doing so. “Everypony here in Equestria does!”
“Then you’ll understand I don’t usually... well let’s just say this isn’t my scene.” He admitted as he glanced over at the many ponies still glaring at him, in between stifled whispers. “I’m only here because of Franny-Forceful over here.”
Peeking over his shoulder Karma got a look at the purple haired unicorn talking like she was giving a speech.
“Who, Rarity?” She asked.
“Yeah she took me here to convince me to have her on my show.” Jon explained. “I told her that wasn’t necessary but she somehow managed to drag me here... you ponies are surprisingly strong.”
“You're going to have Rarity on your show!?” Karma gasped. Looking back Jon caught a glance at Rarity who was busy talking about something which made no sense to him out of context. Before answering he made a face like he was reconsidering.
“Yeah... at least, I think she’s going to be my next guest.” Jon answered much to Karma’s delight. “I tried to tell her that myself, but like I said, before I could she insisted on treating me to a night of pampering and well... here I am.”
“Oh that’s so good to hear!” She exclaimed, making everyone in the room look at her for a moment. “I hear she’s always wanted to go on TV.”
“Yeah but I can’t help but feel kind of guilty.” Jon fretted as he rubbed the back of his head. “I mean she already got the part; can’t help but feel I’m taking advantage of her by being here or something.”
Before their conversation continued a bell rung from across the room, followed by a pony sticking his head out from the lavender curtains to the rest of the building. He was an Earthpony with broad shoulders and golden brown hair which matched his even lighter brown coat. He was helping that day by calling out names of ponies who were next to be treated off a list his eyes never left.
He'd been doing this all day but this time he called out someone named “Raindrops” which instantly got the attention of a nearby mare. A yellow bodied Pegasus with teal hair then proceeded to get up and walk towards the helper pony that called out the name. Presumably this Raindrops had just finished some kind of grocery shopping since she carried a brown paper bag with a baguette jutting out of it.
“Well, if it makes you feel any better I’m sure even if Rarity knew she got the part she’d still treat you to night on the town.” Karma stated. “That’s just the kind of pony she is.”
“I’ll take your word for it but still, she didn’t have to.” Jon decided. “Besides, like I said I’ve never been to a pony spa before... I have no idea what to expect here.”
“Well don’t you worry I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourself here.” She assured him. “This place is the best Spa in all of Equestria!”
“Hmph. This place is highly overrated as well as overpriced.” Karma’s sister, Disentia added.
“Aloe and and Lotus are true professionals!” Karma continued. “They’re really great at what they do!”
“They’re both really annoying and stupid.” Disentia added once more.
“Oooooh I can’t wait to see your interview with Rarity!” Karma beamed as she fidgeted in her heat. “I’m a huge fan yours by the way; I just love your work!”
“Your show sucks!” Disentia barked.
A silence promptly hung over the three parties with both sisters continuing to wear their trademark expressions. A joyous smile and morose frown respectively, like they were legally required to do so.
“I’m... uh... I’m sorry but did I do something to offend you, miss... Disentia was it?” He asked.
“Oh don’t mind her.” Karma interjected after it was clear that her sister would not answer.
“What wrong side of the bed did she crawl out of?” He whispered.
“Don’t worry.” She assured him in an overly loud tone. “She’s always like this.”
“And by ‘like this’ you mean?” He ventured further in a hush voice.
“Like a total bitch.” She said as if reading Jon’s mind.
“O-oh don’t you-- isn’t it that... I mean, your sister is sitting right there.” He whispered and pointed.
“Oooh she knows I’m just kidding!” She said in a tone one would use for addressing a baby or a puppy. For visual emphasis she leaned in to lovely nuzzle her sister’s mane, much to Disentia’s discomfort. “Isn’t that right, sis?”
With scrunched nose the unhappy of the two sisters just looked away and grumbled to herself.
“Hey, Jon?” Karma whispered. “Wanna see something funny?”
As a comedian he was bound by code to see this through. Looking over at the blue haired unicorn Jon leaned in to match her level of whispering.
“What’d’ya got?” He smirked. What followed was the sound of rustling caused by Karma sitting straight up in her seat and clearing her throat like she was ready to unveil something.
“Gee! The weather sure is nice today!” Karma announced.
“It’s really cloudy and cold; we should have stayed in.” Disentia added.
“So how bout them Wonderbolts, eh? I hear they’re going to be flying through ponyville this week!” Karma continued.
“I hate the wonderbolts, they always make too much noise!” Disentia added.
“By the way Jon you look great; have you lost weight?” Karma complemented.
“I think he’s put on a few pounds.” Disentia added.
“Oh golly gee willikers, I sure do love things!” Karma went on.
“I hate things.” Disentia added.
“Left!” Karma said.
“Right!” Disentia added once more.
The more Jon listened the more he theorized that maybe Disentia simply had a thing for disagree with her Karma; or perhaps it was the other way around. But for whatever reason it seemed that for all intent and purposes the two sisters were complete opposites.
“So let me get this straight... you two... have virtually opposite opinions on everything?” Jon guessed, as a wide eyes Karma went back swung her head back to look at Jon.
“Not really; there are some stuff we can agree on.... the best way I can describe it is there is so much about life that I love.” She explained. “Even in the darkest of hearts or the most wretched of souls, there is still something good that I believe should be expressed. The world is filled so many wonders and beautiful things that I just can’t help but love it all.”
“And your sister?” Jon asked, causing both to look back at Disentia who was shooting daggers at anyone foolish enough to make eye contact with her.
“Yeah, not so much.” Karma chuckled.
“So you like everything and she hates everything.” Jon hypothesized.
“Again not exactly.” She answered. “There are some things Disentia likes.”
“I find that hard to believe.” Jon challenged.
“Oh it’s true!” She urged. “Watch!”
Jon caught Disentia rolling her eyes as her oranged sister leaned back over to her side once again planting her face against her shoulder.
“Psst, hey pouty face guess what!?” Karma chimed with eyes like a begging hound. For good couple of seconds neither sister said anything till the orange haired better half opened her mouth. “I love you, little sis!”
Rather than the normal quip of negativity Disentia turned to the side with scrunched nose in protest. Much to Jon’s curiosity she then began to mumble something in a low and hate-filled tone, to the point where it sounded like she was growling like a wild animal.
After her gnarling came to an end Karma left her now blushing sister alone to herself as she went back to address Jon who had already leaned in to speak.
“What did she say?” He asked.
“She said ‘Grumbublegrrarack’” Karma playfully mimicked in a tomboyish tone to try her best to sound as much as her sister as possible. ‘
As funny as it was Jon was still spellbound by general curiosity as to what she said, but before he could request a more direct translation she spoke again.
“Nah, just kidding! She actually said, ‘I love you too sis!” Karma revealed trying again her best to sound like Disentia. Despite his best efforts to not sound like his own audience Jon couldn't help but vocalize how cute he thought all this was.
“Awwwwww, that’s adorable.” Jon commented, making Disentia blue and red.
“Yep that’s my sister!” Karma added as she gave her pouting sister a hug that she seemed to want no part of.
While Disentia tried her best to break free from Karma’s loving grib the same brown helper pony working his rounds stuck his head from behind the curtain with a clipboard. He scanned the room while occasionally looking at his list. The moment he laid eyes on Jon he froze, something Jon was completely used to seeing. This was the first time that he noticed there was a human present. The sturdy Earthpony’s attention was seized once again by the two sisters rough housing next to him which caused him to look back down his his clipboard.
“Uh... Number 80... Is Ms... Karma and Disentia still here?” He announced while looking directly at the two sister’s direction. “Number 80’s Karma and Disentia we’re ready for you.”
“Hey that’s me! Come on sis, let’s go get our hooves done!” Karma announced before jumping off her seat and accidentally bringing her sister crashing along with her. “See’ya Jon! It was nice meeting you!”
“Likewise carrot top.” Jon waved as the two sisters disappeared behind the purple curtain; with a sigh Jon leaned back in his seat. With his talking buddy now gone Jon found the room eerily quiet again, even with the continuous blabbering of Rarity listing her credentials, and was probably already in the triple digits.
“Hey Rarity?” Jon asked, “How you holdin’ up?”
“.... And then there was the time I, and I alone, was tasked with designing the new outfits for the local Ponyville Hospital! They just wanted plain green scrubs but I made sure to add a little pizazz to the their uniforms!” Rarity blindly bragged. “Needless to say the doctors and nurses over and Sacred Hoof Hospital have never looked more fabulous. Also did I mention that I was voted most popular mare at Saddleworth’s school of culture and design? Quite flattering when you consider I didn’t even attend that college... which brings me to my next point...”
“Yeah you’re fine.” Jon commented as he leaned back in his seat.
Jon twiddled with his fingers while contemplating how much longer it would take for his and Rarity’s name to be called so they could attend the appointment that he didn’t even want in the first place.
At this point anything would be better than the nightmare he was currently having to endure; it wasn’t Rarity’s constant talking that that was taking a toll on him. At this point, unless he was actively trying to listen, everything that passed Rarity’s lips just faded into the background. Not really a good sign for someone he was scheduled to interview.
No, the thing that was driving Jon crazy was having to sit here in this waiting room... he hated the anxiety that came with waiting for your name to be called, which he ironically made his guest do every single episode of his show. He just wanted something to happen; anything really.
As if the pony gods themselves answered Jon’s prayers something did occur. Once again the same brown shaded Earthpony poking his head from behind the curtain to the rest of the establishment. This caught Jon attention much in the same way his presence caught everyone elses. Was it finally his turn? Or someone elses?
This time the large pony didn’t even look at his clipboard or have to scan the area, his gaze just immediately went to the corner of the room at seemingly nothing.
“Number 81. Fluffle Puff, we’re ready for your hair appointment now.” He said. For a second nothing happened and no one moved leaving Jon wondering just who we was addressing. The answer came in the form of something moving in the corner of Jon’s eyes. When he looked over he saw some rustling come from the pink beanbag chair he had originally decided not to sit in when he first walked in. It was only when said chair grew a pair of legs; Jon realize it wasn’t a chair at all.
“What the hell!” Jon thought as he clenched his heart in surprise. The giant ball of fuzz stood up on all fours and a head rustled it’s way out of a forest of equal fuzz.
Based on it’s hooves and the face it was definitely a pony, a pony that by all rights looked like it was made from cotton candy. Without wasting any time it scurried across the room to the colt that summoned her. Before it would exit the room it quickly turned to look at Jon, whereupon it stuck out it’s tongue to blow him a raspberry, curled it’s feet back up, and rolled away out of sight.
“This place if fucking weird!” Jon thought, his heart still racing with the scenario of himself sitting on that pony now fresh in his mind. He was so distracted by this sudden turn of events that he barely noticed that a new pony had taken the seat that Karma once occupied.
This newcomer was a red Earthpony with dark brown mane and tail. Oddly enough even though Jon noticed her but she didn’t seem to have noticed Jon. When she sat down her attention wasn’t on anything in particular, she was just gently rocked back and forth while humming to herself; like she was in her own little world.
“Huh,” Jon thought. “Who do we have here.” Again this was a pony Jon had never seen before, but if today was any indicator she would at any moment recognize Jon. One thing about this pony that caught Jon’s attention, aside from her blank faced staring into space was her Cutie Mark.
Ever since his first arrival to this new world Jon like to play a little game where he would try and guess the occupation of any given pony by only looking at their Cutie Mark alone. Sometimes it was easy; like a camera meant they were a photographer or a rolling pin meant they were a baker... or angry housewife. Others were more obscure and harder to identify like a scroll with a heart over it or table being flipped over.
But when it came to the cutie mark of this red mare it went towards the obscure spectrum at kept on going. A black bar; the Cutie Mark of the pony sitting next to Jon was a black bar.
“They hell is that supposed to mean?” Jon thought. “Does she censor things or something?”
Ever since the initial shock of having a beanbag chair walk away Jon was still trying to catch his breath, a good sign that maybe he needed to take care of himself more as if wife always told him. What this also meant however was that his constant gasping for breathe finally caught the attention of the carefree pony.
Looking over to her side Jon’s new neighbor finally noticed that she was sitting next to someone rather than somepony . Her eyes widened and she dropped the pamphlet that she had been given when she first walked in. Jon was a little disheartened to know that when this mare saw Jon she just looked surprised but when he saw a strange pony he nearly had a heart attack.
This new pony had her mouth hung open like she was about to speak but in actuality it was simply because she was surprised. To help speed things up Jon smiled and offered her his hand.
“Hi” He said. “How are you?” Without speaking the pony grabbed his hand and gave a tentative shake. A moment passed and a smile found its way to her face as she worked up the nerve to speak.
“Hey!” She said. “Aren’t you--”
“Yes, yes I am.” Jon interjected.
“O-oh wow!” She exclaimed. “What--”
“Am I doing here” Jon once again interrupted. “Basically it’s for the show; long story.”
The red Earthpony was caught slightly off guard, mostly by the fact that the famous Jon Stewart was sitting right next to her and because his work for some reason required him to be at the same spa she frequented sometimes.
Despite his best efforts not to Jon was still intermittently staring at her Cutie Mark. When she followed Jon’s gaze downwards she herself discovered something as well.
“Huh. This your first time here at the spa?” She asked.
“Is it the chair?” Jon asked.
“Yeah, it’s the chair.” She responded with a subtle grin. Both shared a quick chuckle as Jon once again glanced at her Cutie Mark. Starting this long at another person's backside still hadn’t lost it’s sense of awkwardness, but Jon was determined to find out what it was. At this point it had gotten into Jon’s head that it was rude to ask about one’s own Cutie Mark so he decided to try a different route.
“So,” Jon said. “What’s your name?” Another thing Jon picked up on from his occasional visits to Equestria was that a pony’s name could be a pretty good indicator of their profession; almost as much as their Cutie Mark itself.
“Oh right how rude of me!” She stated as she rubbed the back of her head with embarrassment. “Everypony calls me Pun!”
“Pun?” He asked.
“Yessiree!” She acknowledged with pride. “It’s a real pleasure to meet you!”
“Uh, likewise.” He retorted, unsatisfied with her answer since he was no closer to understanding her profession than before. “So uh... If I may be so bold?”
“Oh by all means!” She responded.
“What kind of a name is ‘Pun’?” He asked. Even though Jon warned her she still looked slightly surprised that he would ask such a question. But for all the lack of subtlety on his part she didn’t look offended.
“I sometimes get this... I’ll tell you but I warn you, the answer isn’t going to be spectacular or anything like that.” She advised.
“Let me be the judge of that.” Jon offered.
“Okay... my name is Pun because... I like puns.” She revealed, leaving Jon only slightly less confused. In the end her warning was right.
“T-that’s it?” He asked.
“Yeah! I know it’s not much but I find them funny.” She explained. “You know like the ones you have on your show.”
“Oh ho, ho so you’re a fan, huh?” Jon asked.
“Well of course I am!” She said, sounding astonished that Jon would again even ask such a question. “I’ve been following your show for years! Do you want to know what my favorite parts are?”
“Uuuuh,” he moaned, “Is it the pu--”.
“It’s the puns!” She announced, surprising no one who could hear their conversation. “But hey now that I got you here do you mind if I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.” He said.
“Okay, you’re here because your show, right?” Pun asked.
“Yes, yes I am.” Jon answered.
“Okay, okay... in that case why are you here in Aloe and Lotus’ spa, of all places?” She asked. “And why is Rarity talking to herself?”
These were good questions, questions that Jon himself had occasionally thought of himself.
“In that order: I’m here because... well to be honest I’m not even entirely sure myself.” He answered, causing Pun to raise her eyebrow in bewilderment. “You see I originally came here to... I came here to uh, get Rarity on my show but before I could even explain things to her she forced me to come here... against my will I might add.”
“Oh wow she forcing you to enjoy an all expense paid trip to the spa? How horrible!” She quipped in a sarcastic tone. “You know I bet....”
Before she could finish her latest thought Pun silenced herself as a look of epiphany slowly found its way onto her face. If this were a cartoon this would be the part where a light pulp would materialize over her head.
“Saaaay... you’re Jewish right?” Pun asked.
“...Yeees.” Jon hesitantly answered, since this line of questioning, historically speaking, usually didn’t lead to something good.
“You know what Jon now that I think about it I agree with you. It is rather bothersome that Rarity forced you to come here.” Pun admitted. “Why one could almost say that what she did was a real Hoot-spa !”
From there the room was now left silent with only the sound of Rarity’s continued talking and the sound of nearby eavesdropper slapping their hoofs against their face filling the void. As someone who worked the entertainment scenes for as long as Jon he knew that the unwritten rule of comedy was that puns were some of the lowest forms of comedy, next only to prop acts.
For Jon however they were his bread and butter. For the first time that day Rarity wasn’t the loudest thing in the room, not with Jon having to catch himself from falling down as he nearly laughed himself over the side of his seat.
“Oh that’s... oh that’s great!” Jon complemented in between fits of incoming giggles. “Oh god please tell me you have more!”
“Uh I might.” Pun tried to assure Jon who had now fully put her on the spot. “Let’s see... um you never did answer my second question.”
“Your what... OH! Oh that’s right!” He said, now remembering what she was referring to. “Okay... the reason Rarity is talking to herself is... the best answer I can come with, only having known her for about an hour is that she’s fucking crazy.”
Normally Pun would have scolded Jon for using such harsh language when regarding a friend, but once again she saw another opening and her instincts were too great.
“I can see what you mean.” She acknowledged. “Maybe we should put her in an asylum... I hear that’s where most mane -iacs go.”
Again she effortlessly knocked out a cheap joke and again Jon met it head on by laughing hysterically. Were it not for Jon’s towering presence a nearby pony or two would have approached him and begged him to stop encouraging her.
“Oh please tell me more!” Jon begged while other silent begged for her not to. “I’m taking mental notes.”
“Okay, okay!” Pun said, now getting more into the swing of things. “Uuuuh, OH! Ok I got it... Did you hear about the time Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash went camping? I hear it was really in-tents !”
The same look of joyous expectation creeped it’s way onto Pun’s face moments after delivering the punchline, and never wavered as Jon still bellowed with laughter at the joke that everyone else was groaning over. In an un-ironic gesture he leaned back to slap his knee and wipe a tear away from his eye.
“Oh man... thats... how do you come up with these things!” Jon chuckled.
“It just comes to me!” Pun explained. “Also I practice everyday because as I always say... ‘seven days without a pun makes one weak .’”
This time it took a good few seconds for joke to make sense to Jon but once it did he promptly leaned forward while simultaneously grabbing Pun’s shoulder for balance. As if the punchline was an actual punch to the stomach he was unable to speak or make any vocalized noises; he could only struggle to breathe from the immense humour relevant only to himself.
“Oh... oh man, f-f-forget Rarity!” Jon blurted, having now caught his breath. “I should just have you on my show!” The thought alone made a few nearby ponies cringe.
“Oh I couldn't do that. This is her big day, not mine.” She pointed out, lowering the tension in the room. “Besides having Rarity on your show is a great opportunity not just for her but for you as well. Until recently I actually used to live in a place not too far away from Carousel Boutique, we didn’t really talk much but she was always very nice and generous towards me. Best neighbor I ever had.”
“HA! Another good one!” Jon laughed. “Betcha thought I wouldn't notice huh?”
“S’cuse me?” Pun asked.
“Common you know? Best Neigh -bor.” Jon snickered to himself.
“Oh... OH !” Pun exclaimed, now fully understanding that Jon meant. “No, no, no I actually just meant she’s a good pony, that’s it... I would never make that joke... too easy.”
“Oh” He said, now feeling embarrassed.
“On the other hoof.” She continued, immediately grabbing Jon’s attention. “Ever since I moved I haven't really gotten to know any of the nearby residents... why one could almost say that finding a good neighbor is a... rarity !”
This time the room filled with the sound of both parties sharing a hearty laugh together, breaking several undocumented rules in the process. In fact, they were so busy enjoying themselves they didn’t even notice the same helper pony from before emerging from behind the curtain at almost the exact same time Jon and Pun engaged in a high-five.
“Ahem; number 82” The brown colt said. “Now calling Mr. Stewart and Ms. Rarity.” For the first time since entering the entire room went silent, followed, once again, by the most talkative pony Jon had ever met raising her voice.
“Oh that’s us!” Rarity exclaimed. Jumping from her seat she used her magic to yank Jon from his chair and across the room with her, his feet dragging since his brain hadn’t yet registered that he was in motion. “Come along Jonathan, we mustn't keep Aloe and Lotus waiting.”
“O-o-oh yeah, uh s-sure.” Jon stumbled both with keeping his balance and adjust his mind to what was going on. Jon was almost to the curtain when he realized he had left his new friend without a proper goodbye. “Uh, bye Pun, I have to go to work now... It was nice meeting you!”
“You too!” She called back. “Good luck in there.”
As Jon waved to his friend he was inches away from the curtain that led to the back of the buildings. It was only when he looked back at Pun did something he had previously forgotten about crept to the foreground of his subconscious.
“Oh wait that’s right!” He yelled, as he arched his neck to address his almost out of sight friend. “Pun! I forgot to ask about your--”
But it was too late. Before Jon could finish his inquiry he had already vanished behind the thick spread of curtains and into a new world of hygienic fixtures and odd shaped chairs.
“Well, here we are, darling!” Rarity announced. “Welcome to... Oh dear, Mr. Stewart are you alright?” For the first time in quite awhile she was now looking at Jon directly at his face, it was only when she did this that she noticed he looked to be in a state of dismay.
“Um... wha-- yeah I’m alright.” Jon forced himself to admit as he rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s just that... it’s just I never got to ask what her Cutie Mark meant.”
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Jon's Spa Adventure Part 1
Despite Jon Stewart’s long standing career in the field of television he himself was no stranger to a movie set. From going to see colleagues to actually having the opportunity to be in a movie himself Jon was familiar with the sensation of seeing set piece after set piece densely packed in some studio. One moment one might be in a setting like a courthouse or office and take two steps to the left and find themselves in a new section set modeled after a prison or graveyard. It was an odd feeling that was hard to find anywhere else... that is until today.
For on this day it was this same sensation that followed him even here as he entered the main room of Ponyville’s premium spa. Walking from the waiting room to this new are carried all the graceful transition of being on the set of a film. The waiting room looked nothing like the the rest of the building which was fitted with all types of machines and beds, making the scenario closely resemble a hospital than a spa.
The only similarity this new area had from where Jon had only moment ago left was a matching color scheme and the same, albeit now slightly different, smooth classical music playing throughout the area. Despite the machines being present the look and feel still felt inviting.
As well as being familiar with what a movie set looks like Jon was also familiar with how a Spa should appear. There were beds designed for laying on your stomach, chairs shaped in a way to arch your back so someone could work on your face, machines that a variety of tools designed for working on manicures, and of course the all important wide range of facial masks designed for any number of skin related treatments.
“Huh.” Jon thought. “This place doesn't look half bad.”
After Rarity’s brief introduction the two of them were approached by a pair of Earthponies wearing matching white headbands and chokers. These two, by all rights, looked to be twins based on many striking similarities between them. Jon learned long ago that in this world, for whatever reason, evolution had dictated that all ponies of the same gender would have roughly the same body type, so saying two ponies were twins needed to carry more weight.
Luckily enough for Jon even he could tell the that two ponies now in front of him were twin sisters, based on the fact that not only did they look alike but they had the same: hairstyle, color scheme of blue and pink (Granted it was reversed; with one sister having blue hair a pink coat and the other the opposite) and if that wasn’t enough they even shared the same Cutie Mark; a lotus flower.
As if they wanted to drive the twin factor to it’s stretching point the two of them even had the same voice when the spoke.
“It’s a pleasure to finally meet your acquaintance, Mr. Stewart.” The pink haired one known as Lotus said. “It is always an honor to...”
“... Meet an individual as world renowned as yourself.” Aloe added. “And of course, any friend of madame Rarity is welcomed here.”
The two spoke in perfect harmony with each other like they had been practicing all day. That combined with their strong European accent, which Jon couldn't pin point for the life of him, made their words flow like water.
“Well... thanks for having us on such short notice.” Jon said, shaking each of their hooves. “It’s a pleasure to meet you as well Ms. Lotus and Aloe.”
“Ahem, Jonathan.” Rarity whispered as she lightly tapped his hip for attention. “Other way around.” Looking back at the twin sisters Jon realized that he had accidently addressed each pony by the other sister’s name.
“Oops... sorry!” Jon fretted, hoping to try and salvage this first impression.
“Do not worry Mr. Stewart!” Aloe said. “We only wish for you to be...”
“...as comfortable as possible.” Lotus chimed in. “After all this is a spa, is it not?”
“Heh, good point.” Jon admitted.
Suddenly Jon felt a little more at home in this spa designed for ponies. His initial reservation about joining Rarity for a day of pampering, aside from feeling like it was unrequited, was that he would feel out of place since he was of a different species. But as unorthodox as it was for him to be here the comforting hospitality of the two hosts made him feel less awkward about the whole situation. That is until...
“Not then, before we began there are some preparations that need to be taken care of.” Aloe motioned for for Rarity to place her bag onto the floor. “Madam if you would please give me your belongings; I will be holding onto if for you. And...”
“... As for our esteemed guest, Mr. Stewart, if you would please remove your clothing we will begin immediately.” Lotus added.
And just like that Jon was once again in the mind set that coming here was a bad idea.
“W-wait what!” Jon lifted his hand in protest as he briefly looked at his old suit. “You want me to take all my clothes off!?”
“Yes, indeed.” Lotus admitted while making a hoof gesture to indicate that it was no big deal. “We require you not wear anything while we...”
“... attend to your cosmetic needs.” Aloe finished. “After all, it would be quite difficult to apply some of our techniques while you're wearing that suit, no?”
As much as what they were saying was indeed true, Jon just couldn’t bring himself to see things their way. Another thing Jon learned about Equestria very early on was that humans and ponies had very different stances of the subject of nudity with virtually every creature he ever saw walking around without anything to cover up the more indecent regions. For the most part it didn't seem like such a thing mattered to them, but as a human Jon’s sense of modesty was not so easily interpretable.
“I’m sorry, but no! This is where I draw the line.” Jon said, much to the twin’s surprise. “I know you folks do things differently here, but I am not walking around naked like a... well like a pony.”
In response to this the two sisters chuckled among themselves which only made Jon feel more insecure about their request.
“Oh, Mr. Stewart there is no cause for embarrassment of something so natural.” Lotus advised, her grasp of the situation less than amicable than Jon expected. “But you are our guest so...
“... if you feel so strongly about our procedures then we can accommodate you with some form of covering.” Aloe assured him.
“Reeeaaaallly.” Jon said sounding as skeptical as possible. “You're going to give me something to cover myself with?”
“Of course.” Aloe nodded. “We can provide you with a bathrobe or at the very least...”
“... A towel to cover your... Oh.” Lotus said now having realized what Jon was hinting at.
For someone of Jon’s size and bone structure there was no way the spa sisters had a bathrobe big enough, or the right shape for which to properly fit him with. Even their largest towel, which was big enough for a pony to use as a blanket wouldn’t even be enough to go around his waist. The twins were now in a situation where they had no idea how to proceed, which wasn’t something they were used to. Fortunately they were saved by their most loyalist of customer.
“Do not fret my dear Aloe and Lotus,” Rarity interjected as she rummaged through her designer bag. “For I have taken it upon myself to prepare for such an event.... may I present to you all a Rarity original!”
Using her magic she produced a large bathrobe from her pouch complete with a hood and the initials “JSL” over the heart. The way she held it with her magic the arms and hood were spread as if some unseen force was occupying it. From where everyone stood it was exactly Jon’s size right down to the shoulders and even a little extra room around the stomach region.
Amazed by this unveiling Jon ran his hand across the surface to feel the fabric which, like the new suit he hadn’t yet worn, was top of the line.
“How... when did you have time to make this?” Jon asked.
“Why, when I was making your suit of course.” Rarity answered. “I had some extra material laying around so I thought I’d whip up a little something extra for you since I already had your measurements.”
Ignoring for the moment that it seemed she had the idea of dragging him to the Spa all along Jon had just one grievance about the wardrobe he felt needed to be addressed.
“Just one question, Rarity.” He said.
“Yes, darling?” She asked.
“Why... is it pink.” He asked in a tone of voice that only dogs could hear.
“Oh well it’s quite simple really.” She said as she used her magic to make the bathrobe hug up against him for a better comparison. “Pink is SO your color!”
Jon could already hear the laughter from his friends and family, if he were to ever wear this thing outside of Equestria. Jon was no expert on fashion but he knew that no self respecting male would be caught dead wearing this thing; needless to say he disagreed with Rarity’s choice of color, but it would seem he was outnumbered.
“Oh, Madam Rarity it is simply magnificent!” Aloe complemented. “The texture, the craftsmareship...
“... the attention to detail and of course the correct use of color.” Lotus added. “It is without a doubt the most beautiful thing we have ever seen.”
“Oh you're just saying that!” Rarity proclaimed.
“Oh no, no, no, we only speak the truth!” Lotus assured her.
“Indeed we do!” Aloe added. “Madam Rarity truly, without a doubt, the most talented seamstress in all the land!”
“Why thank you girls!” Rarity blushed. “I do have a keen eyes for such things I suppose.”
As the three ponies compliments soon transitioned to idle giggles among themselves Jon held the bathrobe over his shoulder and watched as he was slowly starting to understand his future guest a little bit more.
“Yeesh, I can see why she likes this place so much.” He thought as Rarity soon turned her attention back onto him.
“Now than Jonathan, do be a dear and go change.” She said. “We mustn’t keep our dear friends Aloe and Lotus waiting any longer than they need to.”
To show their understanding both sister’s bowed their heads and motioned for Jon to a pair of standing curtains for which he could change behind.
“Alright, alright I’m going.” He said as he rounded the designated changing area.. “But I’m keeping my boxers on... lord knows I might need to leave something to the imagination.”
Jon was unaware of just how right he was in this assumption; he just didn’t know that for all the talk of relaxation and gentle pampering he would be experiencing very little of either. Needless to say things were only going to get worse from here.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Jon's Spa Adventure Part 2
Jon’s forced spa adventure was met head on with a less than inviting outcome, which would actually turn out to be a running theme for the day. Things kicked off to a rocky start when he was forced to discard his current attire in favor of a frilly pink bathrobe which, to Rarity’s credit, did the job of covering his entire body quite well.
It’s only saving grace beside giving Jon a sense of privacy was that, like the suit given to him, this bathrobe was fitted perfectly to his body type. With Jon ready to go, both he and Rarity were promptly escorted to the other end of the room where the first of their many treatments were to take place.
Since Jon had children, whose ages weren’t even in the double digits yet, he would on occasion take them to the pediatrician. Jon was reminded of just this because his surroundings certainly gave him the feeling that he was in a hospital meant for kids.
Much like everything else in Equestria, at least as far as Jon could tell, this spa was astonishingly vibrant with liberal uses of colors like purple, blue, and green. Accompanying these colors were decorate shapes on virtually every surface. In Equestria it wasn't enough to have a window, it needed to be a heart shaped window. and the walls were just a blank surface it needed to have stare and and raindrop shapes all over it.
While at the same time various machines were stationed beside beds and were slung over like they were fishing rods but they too matched the decor by being color shades of purple rather than cold metal grey like one would expect.
Not only that, but the use of slightly oblong shapes where a more symmetrical design would just as easily work was implemented almost everywhere. Rather than having a support beam be an even straight column it would have a much wider base that curved inward like an upside down tornado. This design also applied to other fixtures like archways or chairs. Leaving Jon steadfast in his idea of never bringing his kids here; they'd never want to leave.
Some ponies laid in beds and were either having some staff worker smear an unknown substance on their face or were having their hooves detailed. Other such beautifications that Jon witnessed as he walked further into a corner were ponies being massaged or having a bright light shined on their face from one of the many daunting machines.
All of this was fairly new to Jon. Sure in his life he’d have someone apply makeup on him or fix his hair, usually at the hand of cosmetology students he’d have employed for his show, but none of it was quite on the level of what he he was currently witnessing. Though he would have a first hand experience of it all in just a few moments.
Stopping now in front of a stretch of wall that had a row of familiar machines attached to it both Jon and Rarity were now being addressed by the spa sisters as to what was going to happen.
“Allow us to to present to you the Mane-Manger 2000!” Lotus said, as she swept her arms to show off the row of machines which Jon recognized as salon style hair dryers. “This marvelous machine...”
“... Will dry and detail your hair in the style you most desire!” Aloe finished. “But before we are to do that, allow us to first to wash your manes.”
Jon didn’t even have time to ask raise his hand in objection before promptly being yanked to the side by the scruff of his robe. Both he and Rarity were split apart with Aloe helping Rarity into a nearby seat that, when tilted all the way back, dropped the customer's head into a designated sink for washing one’s hair.
It was then expected of Jon to follow along but unfortunately for him there was no station large enough to accommodate him but his handler, Lotus, was determined to make this work.
“Now then Mr. Stewart if you would please, um... take a seat, we will get things started?” She said.
Again Jon had flashbacks of bringing his kids to the doctor, only this time because he was now sitting in a chair a few sizes too small, like he would often do in the waiting room of pediatrics to make Maggie and Nathan laugh.
The way Jon had to position himself in the chair for his head to properly fit in the sink meant that his legs were sprawled out and over the chair and into the walkways. Even though he was only slightly overweight he had to force himself to fit in the seat and the chair’s armrests were jabbing into his back.
By this time Rarity was already halfway through her shampooing, something which she was all too eager to voice.
“Oh that scent is simply heavenly!” She said from just a few seats over. “Aloe dear do make sure to use that new conditioner as well. I say, Jonathan... Jonathan how are you doing over there, darling?”
“I’ve been better.” He answered as he slowly leaned back into the sink, only to discover that his head didn’t fit. “... much better. I-I’ll be honest Rarity I don’t think this spa stuff is for me.”
“Oh nonsense, everypony deserves a little pampering now and again.” She advised. “Things will get better, I promise you.”
Not only was that not true for Jon, but his being there wasn’t ideal for the staff working that day either. Since Jon’s was half in and half out of the chair every so often a passing patron or worker would trip over his legs which meant that he had to curl them up in an awkward stance. That and since his head was too large for the sink, when Lotus washed his greying hair, water would spill all over the side, causing both a mess and a slipping hazard for all involved.
But at least the shampoo smelled nice; when it didn’t go in his eyes from his constant struggling.
The second half of the their hair restoration began when both parties were promptly escorted to the mounted hair dryers attached to ergonomic seats. But again none were large enough for Jon so when he sat down he felt as the blood circulation was being cut off from his butt. This time however Jon was spared the lower back pain associated with having to bend over backwards and instead was rewarded with having the bonnet of the hair dryer slowly descend over his head.
Luckily enough for him the headgear was large to accommodate ponies wearing roller in their mane so it just barely fit around his head. Normally around this point he would’ve made a Vader joke, but he knew the reference would be lost here.
Sitting next to him was Rarity who was still being helped by the other of the two sisters; it seemed like they were getting treated by the owners for the duration of their stay. A nice gesture, but at the same time it had Jon wondering if it was because of him or Rarity. Also, since she was a regular, her handler Aloe didn’t waste any time starting the machine, but in the case of Jon Lotus felt some context needed to be provided.
“Allow me to explain the process of this wondrous device. This machine uses a moisture system with tourmaline and ionic nano technologies to leave you with healthy, beautiful, and shiny hair.” She explained, like she was the host of the home shopping network.
“Is that right?” Jon said as he strained his neck to get a look at the all black device that was almost as big as him.. “So when does Goldfinger strap me down for the interrogation?”
With a nervous laugh Lotus ignored Jon’s reference, which she didn’t get, and concentrated on continuing her explanation.
“Now then this won’t hurt a bit; you’ll spend the next twenty or so minutes underneath the bonnet while the machine does all the work.” She continued, while making some adjustments. “Oh! I almost forgot! This model comes with a new setting where you can have silent mode.”
“Silent mode?” Jon asked. “You mean... like a phone?”
“Allow me to explain; you see sometimes ponies want to talk to one another during the session while others want to be left alone.” She explained. “Normally these things make an unruly amount of noise, but you’ll still be able to hear what’s going on everywhere else... but in silent mode the machine uses a distortion system that makes it so the customer won’t hear anything at all. Now then... which would you like?”
Before he got the chance to answer Jon was started to hear Rarity shouting just a few inches away. She wasn’t in pain or any other form of discomfort she just merely wanted to get his attention.
“OH AND BY THE WAY JONATHAN! WHILE I HAVE YOU HERE I’M GOING TO CONTINUE LISTING MY CREDENTIALS!” Rarity yelled over the roar of the hair dryer which was already being used on her. “ I KNOW IT’S BIT TABOO TO TALK BUSINESS GIVEN OUR LOCATION BUT I FEEL THERE SO MUCH MORE OF ME YOU DON’T YET KNOW! HAVING SAID THAT; REASON NUMBER ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FOUR AS TO WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE ME ON YOUR SHOW...”
“Silent mode!” Jon begged, like a pregnant woman asking for anesthetic. “Please, for the love of god, give me silent mode!” Taking her her hoof back from Jon’s strong grip Lotus obliged with his request and, after a quick sequence of button pushes later, activated Jon’s desired approach.
Just like anyone else in his position Jon assumed the term “silent” in this situation was open to interpretation, usually just meaning very low in tone or funneling white noise into the ear. But to their credit what followed was complete and utter silence.
Jon wasn’t sure exactly what kind of pony technology was at play here, but for all his jokings about them being in the stone age, their machine made it so it was so quiet he could almost hear himself blink. It was rather eerie really. Looking in all directions he tried to see if he could perhaps pick up the tiniest hint of sound. He looked at Rarity who was still aimlessly talking to herself, but he could not hear a word. He caught Aloe and Lotus sharing a quick word with each other before scurrying off to prepare the next session and wondered if they were talking about him.
This was rare for Jon; absolute silence was not something a home grown New Yorker was familiar with, especially one with two kids. So he decided to make the most of it by taking Rarity’s advice and try to relax. Even though his seat was as uncomfortable as one would expect, he still found it somewhat calming to lie back and think about nothing. Unfortunately Jon’s brain would on occasion break up this tranquil experience by reminding him of important, though stressful, obligations. Like work, bills to pay, or appointments he couldn't afford to miss.
Most of these things didn’t bother him, that is until he opened his eyes. Again he saw ponies lounging about of various colors and shapes and again he didn’t recognize any of them except for the twin sisters who were on the far end of the room fiddling with some beds. It was then that Jon saw a pony, a pony who he’d never met before but who shared a similar pale blue color scheme as someone he knew.
“Trixie.” Jon sighed to himself as he once again closed his eyes. “Please be alright.”
After about twenty minutes of continued self reflection Jon was awoken by a figure looming over him who he immediately recognized as the one who helped him into the device in the first place.
“Mr. Stewart, the Mane Manager as finished it’s cycle and your hair looks luxurious!” She complimented as the helmet slowly let go of Jon’s head. “Madam Rarity is already at the next treatment room awaiting your arrival... tell me Mr. Stewart, did you enjoy your hair treatment.”
Jon had to admit that not only did his hair feel lighter and more wavy but that feeling of sitting down doing nothing in perfect silence had a zen light effect on him where he was now more relaxed; except for his now slightly aching back. Though that didn’t stop him from seizing the opportunity at a quick joke.
“Yeah it was pretty nice,” he admitted as he combed his fingers through his hair. “It’s just that, well... nah forget about it.”
“Oh no, no, no Mr. Stewart please tell me!” Lotus pleaded. “If there was any kind of problem I must know!”
“Weeeeell... it’s about that whole ‘silent mode.’” he divulged as he struggled to unseat himself from the chair which still had a firm grasp of his oversized behind.
“Oh dear, did it not work?” She frightlyfully asked as she offered her hoof to Jon as leverage.
“No, no it worked just fine... but see that’s the problem.” He said, much to the confusion of Lotus. “You see... it was so quiet I literally couldn't hear a thing... and well, I’m sorry, but I just can’t be alone with the voices in my head for that long.”
With one last thrust of his hips Jon finally freed himself from the mane-manager with enough force to almost yank it from the ground. Putting his hand against his back he stretched himself just in time to see his handler looking nervously up at him.
Sensing that what he said might’ve been a Joke Lotus quickly forced a awkward laugh, waiting for Jon to confirm as such, but he never did... he just stared at her till she silenced herself. The two shared an awkward moment of silence with Jon trying to hold back a smile. After it was clear that things couldn't get any more uncomfortable he quickly changed gears.
“Now then!” He uttered in a tone as if nothing remotely unsettling had just occurred. “Where did you say we needed to go?”
“O-o-oh uh.... t-this... this way...” Lotus struggled to say, as she slowly escorted Jon to the other side of a wall which, like the one they just left, was lined up with machines. Only this time the machines were the ones that Jon noticed hovering over beds, one of which contained his partner for the day.
“Oh Jonathan!” Rarity called, her face half covered in some form or green ooze. “There you are, darling! Come now this is my favorite part!” Rarity said that about every treatment.
When Jon propped himself onto the bed Aloe had just finished putting on the last coat of facial properties onto Rarity’s face with Lotus advising Jon to lean back and relax while she did the same. It took only a few moments for Jon’s handler to get the necessary brush and bowl of green slime ready for smearing. Jon was urged to close his eyes, but right before he did he managed to catch a view of Aloe putting two slices of cucumber on Rarity’s face; one over each eye.
“Really?” Jon chuckled at the cliche of it all. Soon the world went dark, brought on my Lotus putting a substance on his face with the look and texture of guacamole. To save time the two sisters didn’t explain as to what purpose it served, but even Jon knew it had something to do with the pores of his skin.
With the bed he was laying on (barely) big enough for him to properly lay on and his cosmetic mask soaking into his face he could almost feel as if this was more of a vacation than a business trip... that is until Rarity opened her mouth.
“Now then where was I?” She said. “Ah yes! I understand your show takes place in New York which is a large city... well did I happen to mention that I’ve been to many metropolitan locals... why just last summer I was invited to attend...”
Lotus watched as Jon plucked the two slices of cucumber off from his eyes, broke them in half, and promptly shoved them in his ears. He could still hear both Rarity talking and the twin sisters walking away to ready their guests for the next session. For the remainder both Lotus and Aloe would return in intervals to check up on the two for long period of time. The next part of the treatment was removing the now solidified masks and replacing it with a steaming hot towel, or another facial substance in specific areas that needed the most attention.
In all fairness Jon enjoyed this session more than he thought he would. Not just because every time the sisters came back with a new treatment Rarity would go silent (at the advice of the twins so they could properly work on her face) but because the act of having his face cleansed in such a way felt oddly relaxing. Right away he could feel as if years of stress was being lifted from his ageing brow.
This, coupled with what they did with his hair, made him feel like a new man... at least from the neck up.
“Maybe this wasn’t such a bad idea afterall.” He thought, as Lotus used some device to file down Jon’s nails while his mask hardened. He was unaware that things were about to take a turn for the worse.
If he had his way Jon would shut off all his senses and just float away right there and then but despite his wanting to do just that he couldn't help but overhear a rustling coming from where he knew Rarity was, followed by the magnanimous unicorn herself addressing him about something other than herself.
“Jonathan dear I’ll meet you in the next room.” Rarity said, once again finishing her treatment first. “Take your time, we have all day.”
“Jawohl.” Jon answered with a weak wave of his hand in a dismissive gesture. “Also do you know where the bathroom is?”
“Yes it’s down that hall, third door on your left.” She answered as she rounded the curtain blocking Jon’s view and headed toward a far off door. “You can’t miss it.”
“I shall try not to.” He called back. With all of the cosmetic items now scrapped off his face Jon swung his legs to the side and slowly lifted himself up with a grunt, his bones doing imitations of popcorn along the way. As he stretched his arms to the side he could see one of the twin’s silhouette waiting for him from behind the curtain.
“Shall I wait for you while you use the lavatory?” She asked.
“Nah I’m fine. Just wanted to know if there was maybe a place I could duck out early.” He joked as Lotus swiped the curtain aside. When he looked over his shoulder he could see Rarity walk through a door clear across the room with Alow following close behind. “I swear if I have to listen to anymore of her achievements I think I’m going to need a... well, a trip to spa.”
With a small chuckle and a grin just as faint, Lotus offered her hoof to help Jon get up.
“Yes, I realize Madam Rarity can be... how you say, passionate.” She said.
“Yeah, I don’t think if I were to look up ‘passionate’ in the dictionary I’d see her picture.” Jon shot back with a laugh. “For that you’d probably need to look under some other choice words like... well, I’d rather not say in front of a lady.”
“I will admit there is a reason why she’s our best customer.” Lotus admitted. “She’s very head strong and does whatever it takes to be on top... obviously that’s puts a lot of stress on her which is why she’s here so often... unfortunately, as of course you know, she has a habit of bringing her work with her; even here. She’s a great pony but whenever she has an appointment I just wish she’d calm down, take a deep breath and just relax.”
“Hey from your mouth to Celestia’s ears.” Jon said as he followed her across the room. “Are all your customers as... wound up as she is?”
“Honestly with some of the events that transpire here over the years I’m wouldn't be surprised if ponies only come to us when another tragedy occurs.” She admitted. “But if it means me and my sister are able to do what we love than we will not complain, you see.”
“You two must really but a lot of effort into your work.” Jon observed as he stretched his arms. “I’m guessing it’s not everyday you personally attend to the customers directly.”
“Well no when it comes to Madam Rarity and one as famous as you we of course want to leave a good impression.” She informed Jon who had now gotten from from his bed. “Cosmetology is a very competitive field as I’m sure you know... the technology and techniques are constantly changing so we always have to be in tip top shape.”
“Speaking of which... what’s next on the list?” Jon asked as the two made their around the curtain. “You going to use some kind of laser to zap parasites off my back?”
“Actually that light we used on your face in between facials was, technically a laser.” She answered.
“Wait what!?” Jon blurted as he tried to look over his shoulder at the machine near the bed he was just at.
“No, our next treatment is a proper physical therapy.” She finally answered.
“Oh great.” Jon said. “Now I’m going to have to listen to Rarity fill my ear about which fabric is best during winter season while some guy bends me into a pretzel.”
“I assure you it is nothing like.” Lotus urged, as they approached the door that Rarity and Aloe disappeared behind. “And as for Madam Rarity, I don’t think her discussing business will be an issue during this session..”
“Why do you say that?” Jon asked as Lotus placed her hoof against the door marked as a private room.
“You will soon see.” She winked, now opening the door.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Jon's Spa Adventure Part 3
When Jon and Lotus entered through the far off door they were greeted by a small room populated by both Rarity and Aloe. In the middle of the small enclosure were two portable massage tables one of which was currently being used by Rarity, though were it not for Jon having seen her walk in there first hand he might not have recognized her since her head was planted face down.
The room was pitch black with the only form of illumination being a few candles spread out in even distributions for an equal spread of light. There were some, though not many, candles next to the massage tables but it was only when she starting to speak did Jon know for sure he was looking at Rarity.
“There you are, darling!” She exclaimed in a most inviting tone. “We’ve been waiting for you, haven’t we Aloe.”
“Indeed we have,” Aloe said, her attention now on her sister. “Is everything alright, Lotus?”
“Indeed they are sister. Me and Mr. Stewart were just... getting better acquainted.” Lotus explained. “In fact why don’t we switch guests for a moment... I’m sure you would like to get to know our esteemed guest.”
“Why this is a wonderful idea!” Aloe announced at the two sister traded customers like they were baseball cards. “And what better way than with our next treatment, no?”
“Riiiight... so what exactly is that you’re going to do to me?” Jon asked, skeptical that whatever it was, it would leave him with a bad taste in his mouth. "Some big guy named Sven isn't going to break my back in half or anything like that right?"
“Oh Jonathan do stop making that face; you just got it done.” Rarity demanded in a playful tone. “We’re simply getting getting body massages next... I assure you afterwards you’ll feel like... like a new man.”
For all of Jon’s complaining and objections for this little excursion even he had to admit that the thought of a good ol’ fashioned massage sounded rather tempting. As Jon grew older one of the first things to go, besides his eyesight, was his back. Not only couldn’t he touch his toes, but unless he slept a certain way he would wake up in pain.
The only relief he ever got was from his wife who would, on occasion, rub or walk on his back for relief. And for today, having been subjected to sitting in furniture too small to sit properly in, he was mentally, and physically, in the right mindset for a back rub.
“Alright, what the hell, let’s do this!” Jon announced as he laid face down on the table which had an opening on it’s end for him to put his face in. “Lord knows my back could use a good readjusting right now.”
“Now that’s the Jonathan Stewart I’ve come to respect!” Rarity complemented. “I don’t normally say this but... it is so on! Aloe and Lotus are the best when it comes to physical therapy. Isn’t that right gals?”
Both sisters agree and with that they took their respective positions. Lotus started right away on Rarity while Aloe had to deal with Jon’s inexperience of what was expected of him at the moment.
“Before we begin Mr. Stewart I must advise that you remove your bathrobe.” Aloe whispered. “It wouldn’t be much of a massage if you still had your clothing, am I correct?”
Normally this would be the part where Jon would raise his hand in protest, but her point was valid enough that Jon obliged. He had gotten this far already so they way he saw it there was no turning back now.
“Alright fine,” Jon lifted his shoulders to slid his arms out of each sleeve. “But if vice busts in here to raid the place, I want it on paper that I didn’t put a check on the box that said ‘happy ending.’”
Making sure that his robe didn’t go below his waist, Jon’s back was now completely exposed. Like with the other treatments Rarity’s, being the most experienced of the two guests, was first to have her treatment begin. A treatment which she didn’t have any trouble vocalizing.
“Now then while we’re here I feel as though I should mention that as well as the most sophisticated mare of my group of friends I alone am the most-- OH !” She shrieked as Lotus began to work her hooves into her back. “Oooooh my yes! T-that’s the spot! O-o-oooh my! O-o-oooh yes, YES, YES! RIGHT THERE! HARDER, HARDER! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooh Lotus you have magic hooves!”
Rarity was so loud in her demands for further satisfaction that not even the Mane Manager 2000’s deafening technology would’ve been able to keep Jon from overhearing her. He tried not to gawk at her, but it was difficult with her making noises that one usually only heard from behind closed doors. As lotus applied more pressure onto the purple haired unicorn’s back, she glanced over at Jon at shot him a wink.
“So this is what you meant by ‘she won’t be discussing any business.’” Jon said under his breath as Rarity continued to voice her pleasure. Planting his head back into the headrest Jon tried speaking over Rarity’s moaning. “Hey Aloe, hows-a-bout sending some of that good feelings my way huh?”
“U-um... y-yes, yes of course.” Aloe assured him as she hovered her hooves over his back. Like before Rarity was the first to enjoy the treatment provided; the main reason this time around, besides being the first to arrive at the treatment station, was because Aloe was not eager to touch Jon’s back. While Both Aloe and Lotus were masters in their field, up until now they had never worked on a human before.
With unsure eyes she scanned Jon’s back like it was the map to a foreign town written in a language she couldn't read. She had worked on countless ponies before and knew exactly where, and how much pressure to apply. She knew exactly what pressure points to focus on to make someone lose the feelings in their leg or what spot would make a Pegasus’ wings perk up. It had gotten to the point in her career that she she could massage a pony blindfolded and, if they were a regular, knew exactly which spot needed the most work.
But Jon was no pony; Aloe didn’t even know where to begin.
“Hey Aloe?” He called out over Rarity begging Lotus to go harder and lower. “You still with me over there?”
“O-of course!” She blurted, having been snapped out of her trance like state. “Let me just... alright I’m... ready to begin!”
Placing both hooves on Jon’s back she slightly shuttered at the how his bare flesh felt on her hooves. It wasn’t a disgusting or uncomfortable feeling for her, it just felt much different than a pony’s coat of fur. From here Aloe didn’t know exactly how to proceed, so with a deep breathe and eyes closed she began to rub Jon’s back while trying to imagine that it was actually some pony she knew.
The results: absolute suffering.
Going into this Jon knew that when it came to massaging that there were, at times, a small degree of pain, especially with one as old as he was. But any moments of comfort to be had here were too few and too far apart to the point where they were nonexistent. At first Jon endured the sharp spikes of pain on the assumption that it would get better later, but it never did; he could stay silent no longer.
“Okay wait what are yo-- OUCH! THE HURT! Wait! Try not to-- JESUS FUCKING CHR-- YEOWCH! ” Jon yelled causing everyone in the room, except Rarity who was too deep in a euphoric spell, to take notice. “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Please don’t go-- AAAAHHHHHH ! FUCK! DAMMIT IT ALL TO HELL!”
Had the massage room been closer to the waiting room some of the ponies waiting their turn might’ve left on the assumption that someone was being murdered. The more Aloe tried to work her magic the more Jon suffered. Fueled by the urge to salvage this mess Aloe began to desperately rub her hooves all over Jon’s back in random spots, in no particular direction or intervals, and with different degrees of pressure in the hopes that maybe she’d get things right eventually. It only made things worse.
“OW! Ah you-- Fuck wait please sto-- ack! W-w-w-w-wait why don’t you-- OW! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh god help me!” He begged as Aloe switched techniques foolishly starting moving downwards to his lower back. “J-j-just a second Aloe I don’t think... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH !”
After letting out a scream that would usually be reserved for those being tortured Jon arched himself back in pain only to fall back forward like he had lost the will to go on. The session continued for Rarity, who was so deep in relaxation that she didn't hear any of what had happened. By now she enjoying her hooves being rubbed by Lotus who got a glimpse of her sister sitting in the corner like she was in trouble. She dared not touch Jon less she cause him any more pain.
“I’m so sorry.” Aloe whispered to him with sad eyes.
“It’s alright.” He said in a very placid tone. “Least now I know what it’s like to be trampled over.”
Using the world “trampled” to describe a routine massage session did very little to boost Aloe’s self esteem. Seeing that her sister was in distress over the situation, Lotus offered an alternative.
“Sister, why don’t you take our guest over to the bathing house?” She offered. “I still have a few more spots to work on madam Rarity and I’m sure our guest would enjoy its accommodations.”
Aloe looked at both Jon and Rarity for a comparison, and while the fancy Unicorn looked like she had died and gone to heaven, her human companion just looked plain dead.
“A-an excellent idea!” Aloe said as she jumped down from her seat. “Come now Mr. Stewart, I’m sure a nice refreshing bath will do you wonders!”
“Yeah, okay I’m going... you got a forklift.” He groaned while still firmly planted on the table. He didn’t expect her to answer so he decided to alter his inquiry to an even more unrealistic request. “Actually, I don’t suppose you have any swim trunks that could fit me or any other kind of outfit do you?”
Without even bothering to answer his obviously sarcastic question Aloe helped Jon to get up from the table; both were unaware of the fact that Jon had said the magic word.
"Did somepony say outfit?" Rarity asked in a muffled tone since her head was still down. Barely two feet to the door Jon's attention was now on his future guest and what she had just fished out of her bag which was laying beside her bed. "Here you are, darling."
Looking over everyone in the room could now see that she had in her possession a pair of swim trunks complete with an adjustable waist line and inner nettings. The fabric was the type one would expect to see for water exposure and there was a little sewn on insignia at the hip with Rarity’s face and initials.
As surprised as he was this time Jon didn’t even bother asking when she had the time to make this so to help get things over with he graciously accepted her gift.
“Thanks.” He said as he promptly slipped on the perfectly fitted swimwear, which incidentally was also pink, one leg at a time.
Now that he was properly covered he undid his bathroom and swung it over his shoulder. Seeing that he was ready Aloe opened the door to the rest of the building and motioned for him to follow.
“Okay, I’ll be back Rarity.” Jon called out as he passed the threshold. “If I don’t make it, tell my wife she can’t remarry.”
Jon couldn’t see if she would even gesture back at him. He was too focused on shuffling his way across the room, following Aloe who was walking much too fast to keep up with. He might’ve been able to catch up but he was walking at a brisk pace as to not aggravate his already throbbing back.
Eventually the two stopped at two doors separated by a series of purple and pink striped pillars. One door had a figure of a pink pony on it while the other a blue one. Jon could infer from this that one was for colts while the other for mares.
“Well, here we are.” Aloe said. “Behind this door is a wide array of bath treatments and even a sauna.”.
“I see” Jon responded, as he rubbed his still aching back. “Out of curiosity will... I’m not going to bump into Rarity or you and your sister while I’m in here will I?”
“No, mares aren’t allowed in this part of the bathhouse. Plus me and my sister are scheduled to give Madam Rarity a seaweed wrap after this.” She answered. “If you would like we could skip the bath house and you can have one as well... however we may only have seaweed left to cover half of your body.”
“NO, NO, NO that’s fine!” Jon urged. “I think I’ll just stay here for the rest of my stay!”
“Very good,” she said. “If you need anything from us please don’t hesitate to come find us.”
Jon watched as Aloe walked away back to the room that Jon had previously left, presumably to help her sister finish Rarity’s massage session. The second the door closed and she was out of sight Jon let out a huge sigh of relief. A part of him wanted to skip out of his spa date and head back home.
He quickly turned down the idea since for one it would have been incredibly rude to his future guest and because as much as this day hadn't gone his way he had to admit, again, the idea of a bathhouse sounded nice.
Not just because since the men and women were segregated, so he was guaranteed to not run into Rarity or the Spa twins as he wanted to be alone, but because he knew a bathhouse had to have a jacuzzi, something which would be just the trick for his still sore back.
“Alright, here goes nothing.” Jon thought as he entered through the door marked for colts and wound up in an entirely new world.
Unlike the rest of the spa this new location was much more organic by comparison. There were virtually no machines to be seen except for the occasional speaker which funneled smooth sounded music throughout the rooms. However much like the rest of the treatment centers things were somewhat densely packed but never lacking in variety. Jon could see a pool on one side and some designated shower stations on the other. But no jacuzzis as far as he could see.
Oddly enough there weren’t many ponies in attendance; as a matter of fact Jon could see none, but from the sound of faucets being turned on he knew that they were out there. His assumption was that maybe the bathhouse wasn’t as popular the rest of the spa, but in truth it was because, like everywhere else in Equestria, there are more females than males.
The floor in this new environment was wet so Jon carefully walked forward while keeping an eye out for anyone that could direct him to where he wanted to be. He passed the pool, the feet soaking stations, the shower heads and the smoothie bar. He didn’t need a swim, a shower, or a drink, all he wanted was to soak in a tub of hot water.
Eventually he found something, something that somewhat resembled what he was looking for. It was a rectangular tub built into the ground with a few other similar ones next to it in a row. They certainly looked small enough to be considered a jacuzzi, but each of them were empty.
“Huh?” Jon thought. “I wonder what this is.”
Carefully he stepped into one of them and slowly lowered himself in. It was large for a pony but for Jon he had to slightly hug his knees to fit properly. Looking in all direction Jon tried to see if there was some kind of device that when activated would fill the tub with the life giving water he so desperately wanted, but none could be found at first glance.
It was only when Jon looked over his shoulder at the long stretch of counter attacked to a nearby wall did he see something that might help him. On top of the counter, in front of a mirror, there was a button a button with a logo over it in the shape of the tub Jon was currently in.
“Bingo!” Jon grunted. Without even having to get up he leaned back to press the button whereupon there was the sound of something activinging.
With giddy anticipation Jon waiting for the steaming hot water to rise. He may not have been able to fit in the tub completely, but it was enough to get the job done. Pressing his knees closer to his chest and arching himself back so his back would get most of the water Jon anxiously prepared himself; but still nothing happened.
Though nothing was happening he could still hear the sound of something occurring nearby. It was an odd sound, slightly out of place but whatever it was it was getting louder as time passed. So he decided to wait it out a bit longer, though if he’d been paying attention he would’ve noticed that the sound wasn’t coming from below him.
When no water appeared for almost two whole minutes he made plans to get up and observe the button he pressed on the off chance that maybe he did something wrong. He was moments away from getting up when he felt something land on his head. Living in New York he was lucky enough to know what it felt like to have some pigeon do his business on you from on high and this felt remarkably similar.
Out of curiosity he felt the top of his head to see what it was. He found what it was and without hesitation scooped it up with his fingers so he could observe what had hit him. It was a wet and slimy brown substance with bits of chunks in it. Jon didn’t have to be an expert in cosmetic beautification to know what this was.
“Mud?” Jon thought as he looked upwards. It was then that his eyes caught something that horrified him. Above his head was some kind of funneling system connected at where the ceiling and wall met but didn’t notice till now since he activated it.
“Oh no.” He said. “Not again.”
This system, unknown to him at the time, was to be activated while no one was occupying the tub, only before. But for Jon it was too late, before he even got the chance to get up whatever mechanism he just activated was now dumping a steady flow of watered down dirt all over him like a turkey on Thanksgiving being drenched in gravy.
“A mudbath.” Jon sighed as his face and once cleaned hair was being covered by the stuff. “Now if there was ever an oxymoron.”
Accepting his filthy fate Jon just sat there as more and more mud sloshed it’s way onto his head, over his face and eventually to the rest of his body. Thankfully since the tub itself was meant for a pony, it was small in volume, so there wasn’t that much mud being drenched on him, but there was just enough to make it so he couldn’t just wipe it away; now he really did need to take a shower.
As if he wanted to take his defeat in it’s entirety Jon waited till every last bit of mud was properly emptied over his head, whereupon he got up, brushed off as many globs of sludge as he could back into the tub. Slowly he turned his sights to the far end of the room where he had passed the sectioned off shower sections. Moving carefully he made a beeline for the nearest shower head, it was during this walk of shame that a pair of stallions entered the enclosure.
Their conversation cut short by the sight of a mud covered human dragging a pink robe as he went for the shower section. For all they knew this was some kind of swamp monster so naturally neither of them knew what to say, but Jon did not share their hesitation.
“Don’t ask.” He demanded as he threw his pink robe just outside of one the many public showers. With a face that seemed to carry with it no expression Jon randomly fiddled with the nozzles till water poured on him. He didn’t really care what temperature it was he just wanted the mud off of him.
About the only good luck to be had here was that he managed to make the water at a soothing temperature; not too hot, but just enough that it at least felt like a jacuzzi. The steam eventually fogged up the semi-see-through glass that surrounded the shower station, making it so the two ponies, and anyone else, that came in wouldn't be able to see him.
Jon spent his time in the shower the way he did back at home; pressed up against the side of the screen allowing his mind flow as freely as the water which dulled his sense, making especially sure that the hot water was flowing on his back more than anywhere else. As his previous pain began to slowly melt away he too felt like he was starting to go. Jon had to use all his strength to not pass out right there and then,
Though after some unaccounted time had passed Jon eventually turned off the shower, sensing that perhaps he was starting to get too relaxed. He hated this next part so with great hesitation he stepped back out into the cold bath house.
With hands that shivered with every second spent outside in the cold, Jon picked up his pink robe and quickly threw it over his shoulder, placed his hands back in the sleeves and tied it shut around his waist. He took back every reservation he ever had for it; he was now extremely thankful to have something warm to dry himself off with.
Now that Jon was back outside he began to notice that more and more stallions were starting to enter the area, so to try and avoid any possible unwanted distraction he ventured further into the forest of shower stations that was the designated cleansing station. As he moved in deeper he found that not every shower station were identical as their counterpart. Some had different settings and at one point, Jon noticed that he missed an opportunity to occupy one that had more than one shower head.
Still, after taking a turn through what he thought was an exit, he emerged to find himself in a new area which had what looked like a log cabin like structure in the center. It looked slightly out of place, like this was once a museum and this small house was an exhibit. Driven by his curiosity yet again Jon walked up to it to see what it was. The large wooden box with no windows and one door had a sign on it which read “Sauna” in cursive so neat he wasn’t entirely sure if it was handwritten or not.
“Well now,” he thought. “This might be nice.” In his head he debated whether or not to enter but soon his mind was made up for him when he heard noises coming from behind him that sounded like someone coming; the last thing he wanted was to explain his story as to why he was here all over again. With that assumption still fresh in his mind Jon threw caution to the wind and opened the door which was almost as big as he himself, although he still felt the need to duck just in case.
At first, Jon couldn’t not see anything because of all the steam he had just let escape, but soon his eyes adjusted as the mist dissipated revealing an all wood paneled box of a room complete with benches, a place to safely hold water on one side and burning coal in the other. But all of these rustic accommodations isn’t what Jon’s got attention, but rather it was the dozen pair of eyes now trained directly on him.
Out of the frying pan into the fire with roughly the same temperature.
Jon wasn’t expecting this sudden audience so about all he could do was stare while the many stallions were looking right back at him. Jon was preoccupied with finding an unoccupied spot he could sit in.
The sound of the door slamming behind him caused Jon to move forward and sit in the first available spot he could find, right between a blue Unicorn and a brown Earthpony. The entire time between Jon entering the sauna and him finding a spot to sit down was spent by the present ponies just glaring at him. Had this been on any other occasion Jon would assume it would be because of his effeminate attire, but in this case it was obviously due to the fact that he was both a human and a celebrity.
It would seem that the residents of Ponyville respected Jon enough that they decided to not bother him during his apparent vacation. It would also seem that the unspoken guy code of not talking to each other while in a situation like this was being upheld even now, but that still didn’t stop anyone present from their continued gawking.
It made him feel uneasy yes, but since he had felt this way about most of what took place on this day it felt almost common place, leaving him to reflect on the irony that was his getting used to feeling uncomfortable at a spa. And yet he still felt uneasy.
This unwanted attention was something that he thought wouldn't bother him, but to have it occur in this setting just added an entire new layer of unsettling on top of it all. For example none of the ponies sitting around him were wearing any form of covering, thus they were completely exposed. And while it’s true that he wasn’t at all bothered about the subject of nudity (least of all animals whom he always saw naked) it was still more of a pony than he wanted to see. Case in point; from where Jon sat he could tell that none of the ponies present were Jewish.
With a sigh Jon leaned forward, used the tools provided to scoop some water and splashed it over the collection of hot coals to make mist fill the room, as if by doing so no one could see anything but white fog. It was so misty and not at all visible that Jon didn’t even notice when a pony would leave the room; though a bigger reason for this was that he kept his eyes closed the entire time.
By sheer coincidence Jon was the last person that left in the sauna when a helper pony rang a bell to indicate that it was closing time at the bathhouse. Only a few members still remained in the area, including Jon, but they were all promptly herded out by staff hands nonetheless. The rest of the Spa was still open for some time since this particular enclosure was only open for a few hours at a time.
His refusal to leave the sauna was eventually discovered by a helpful working pony who knocked on the sauna door and informing him that he had to leave. Which he did, dragging his feet along the way.
Jon was the last to leave the bathhouse; if he had his way he’d stay longer and would only leave once he was forced out kicking and screaming. But for the sake of keeping appearance he did leave, and when he did he was greeted by a pair of familiar faces waiting for him a few feet away from the enclosure’s entrance.
“We meet once again Mr. Stewart.” Lotus smiled, ignorant of how lewd it looked for her and her sister to be waiting just outside the colt’s entrance. “Tell us, did you...”
“... Enjoy your time in our world renowned bathhouse?” Aloe added. “We hope it was to your liking.”
Before answering Jon rubbed his face with his hands and probably began to stretch his arms like he was trying to grab something behind him.
“Yes, yes it was actually.” Jon admitted in a tone like he had just awoken from a deep sleep. “Tell me, where is Rarity? Is she still getting treated? Let me guess, she’s bathing in water populated by small fish that eat the parasites off you or some such nonsense?”
“No Mr Stewart, the scrounging treatment is only on Tuesdays.” Aloe explained. “But as for Madam Rarity she...
“... Is already done and waiting for you up front.” Lotus added. “We have your clothes ready for you right here.”
Noticing that there was a basket-like object in between them Jon bent down and picked it up to find that his newly tailored suit from that day was neatly folded and ready to be worn for the first time since acquiring it. Without even asking Jon stepped behind an adjacent folding screen that someone left behind to change. Aloe and Lotus would have mentioned that from where the screen was placed ponies could see him through a nearby mirror’s reflection, but they decided that he had suffered enough today.
Soon Jon emerged fully dressed, his black suit in stark contrast with the pink robe and swim trunks he carefully but away in the same basket his suit was being kept in. This was his first time wearing his present and he had to admit, it felt as nice as it looked. The measurements were spot on with each proportions fitting just right with a little bit of room so it didn’t feel too restrictive.
The outside felt as smooth and delicate as the interior, and while he wasn’t a fan of dark black, even he had to admit it was the best suit he had ever worn. It was so nice he felt the need to thank the person who made it so with that he slowly walked toward the front door in the most direct route he could see, but not before addressing the twins one last time.
“Well then; Aloe, Lotus, it’s been a pleasure.” He said with a quick bow and a clipping of his cufflinks. “Now if you’ll excuse me I really ought to be going now.”
“Bye bye!” Both sisters said in unison. “We hope you will join us again soon.”
Hearing this almost caused Jon to drop his belongings as he stopped in the middle of the room. With a look of disbelief on his face he turned around so quickly that he managed cause a small jolt of pain in his neck.
“You can’t be serious!?” He exclaimed, which caused both sister’s to lower their ears in guilt. Seeing this made Jon in turn feel guilty too for his sudden outburst. For all that went wrong there was still some moments of euphoria that Jon used to justify what he would say next. “Uh, I mean... I would... I would love to come here again... maybe during my next vacation?”
“Really!” Both sisters asked, with newly engraved smiles on their face.
“Oh sure, are you kidding me?” Jon asked as scanned the room one last time before turning around to head to the waiting room. “Wild horses couldn't keep me away.”
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Working his way back up the forefront of the establishment Jon was only slightly surprised to see that Rarity wasn’t in the waiting room of the spa. There were still a fine selection of ponies eager to get in, some of whom saw Jon go in first; and it was those ponies that were the most confused since he was now wearing his new black suit even though he entered with his older grey one. Leaving them to wonder if clothes restoration was some kind of new treatment.
But out of all the ponies new and old in the waiting room none of them was his purple haired friend.
“The hunt continues.” Jon thought. “For the rare ‘Fancyous ponyous.’” Jon scanned the room from right to left ignoring all the unwanted staring eyes. Eventually he saw who he was looking for. Even though he did a quick look around the area, he didn’t even notice if the ponies in the room were staring back at him because his focus was on the lone figure waiting just outside the building, who he could see through the window on the side of the building.
“There you are.” Jon thought as he made his way to the entrance, passing pony after pony who he didn’t know.
The second he passed archway and back into the outside world he could hear the unmistakable sound of rumours being whispered by those who got the chance to see him. But Jon didn’t care about idle gossip... not yet, at least.
“Hello Rarity,” Jon announced in a very dull and placid tone, like he’d just awoken from a particularly boring seminar on watching paint dry. “Hope, I didn’t keep you.”
Like some kind of super model Rarity turned around with such grace and form that it looked like she’d been practicing in front of a mirror to get it just right. Her hair, which at this point was well beyond shiny, glistened and it swayed along with the movement of her face, causing her to do a quick flip of her head so she could see. If nothing else she could easily get on TV as a shampoo model.
“Oh Jonathan darling, there you are!” She said. “I was beginning to think you’d never leave. Though I can’t really blame you, now can I? This place is simply heavenly! Wouldn't you agree?”
“Oh yeah it’s... it’s something alright.” He commented as he rubbed his lower back and dragged his finger through his once clean hair. “But listen if we could be serious for a second.”
“Oh of course!” She responded.
“If you think I’d let someone on my show because they treated me to a day at the spa then you're wrong.” He explained. Surprising Rarity in a way that made it seem like she should have known that. “Oh but please don’t get the wrong idea, this was very nice and--”
“No, no, you are absolutely right!” Right interrupted by raising hoof to stop Jon from talking any further. “And I should have realized that! Oh how embarrassing, sometimes I can be quite the fool.”
“Hey don’t be too hard on yourself.” He advised as passing ponies began to stop and stare, slowly starting to make a small crowd.“As long as you now know better.”
“Oh and I do! Honestly I don’t know what I was thinking! If I want to be worthy enough to be on your illustrious program then I’m going to have to do more, so much more” She said as she grabbed Jon’s hand to have it a gentle pat. “Thank you Jonathan for showing me the way! For my eyes are open and I can now see that if somepony like me would even dare to dream of appearing on television then I’m going to have to convince you with more... shall I say sophisticated methods!”
“Exactly now yo-- wait what?” Jon asked.
“Don’t worry darling, I understand.” Rarity acknowledged in an overly dramatic way which only caused more ponies to gather round. “I see now that a human as refined as yourself will needs more convincing than just new clothes and a mere spa date... a lot more.”
“No, no, no you still don’t understand!” Jon urged, but they fell on deaf years. “You don’t need to keep doing things for me! You’ve already--”
“I realize now that I have failed to impress you and as a mare about town this simply won’t do.” Rarity interrupted. “Which is why, while you were still inside, I’ve made reservation at a local restaurant for two... there we will share a fabulous meal for two while discussing any further arrangements.”
More and more a crowd began to develop around the two. Partially because the two were making so much noise and also because most of them were stunned to see a famous human in their midst. For them, even with their lack of context, they knew already that Rarity was blowing things well out of proportion. Some of the gathering ponies chuckled at the dramatic unicorn while Jon slapped his face with the palm of his hand.
“Rarity for the love of-- you don’t... I mean this is all just... UGH!” Jon moaned as he rubbed the back of his head. He was starting to think that no matter what he said it wouldn't matter with Rarity trapped in her own apparent world. “I... this.... ugh, this restaurant of yours... exactly how local is it? Is it any good?”
“Oh it’s the most delightful little restaurant you’d ever seen! It’s called ‘The Rapide Nourriture;’ Great service and their creme brulee is to talk of legends; it’s my favorite restaurant” She explained. “As for where it is it’s at the corner of Hoofington street and Saddle avenue.”
Jon recognized the street names from when he and his wife both came to Equestria for a dinner date on Celestia.
“CANTERLOT!” Jon exclaimed, surprising both Rarity and the ever growing crowd around them. “You want to take me all the way to Canterlot for a dinner!”
“Why yes of course, darling.” She said. “Is there something wrong with that?”
“Of course there is!” Jon roared. “Rarity I’m NOT going to Canterlot for dinner.” At first Rarity seemed confused but soon after a look of clarity found its way to her face.
“You know what? I see what you mean; the restaurants in Canterlot aren’t properly prepared to handle a pallet as sophisticated as yours.” She said, causing Jon to look upon her with various degrees of disbelief. “Yes, I do believe we need to find the a more suitable eatery for one as famous as you... I hear they just opened the most charming bistro over in the Crystal empire.”
While Canterlot was too far away this new idea of hers sounded like it was in an entire different world of it’s own.
“Okay this needs to stop!” Jon demanded as he got down on one knee and grabbed Rarity by her shoulders, forcing her to look him in the eyes. “Rarity... for the love of God... Listen. To. Me.”
As if this was some kind of live action soap opera the passing ponies stopped murmuring to each other and leaned in to see what would happen next. Rarity did the same but she didn’t lean in too close since Jon had already done that for her.
“I-is there something wrong, Jonathan.” She asked, her voice only slightly wavering.
“Yes! Yes there is!” Jon said, as she let go of Rarity and got some distance between them. “I mean I... I-I don't even know where to begin! Look, I know you're trying to be nice but the problem here is that... oh god.”
“Jonathan?” She asked a now terrified looking Jon Stewart. “A-are you alright?” For many watching it looked as if staring into Rarity’s eyes had caused him to become petrified with fear, like she was Medusa only with a better hairstyle. But in actuality Jon was absolutely terrified, but it didn’t have anything to do with Rarity, but rather what Jon saw behind her.
Even with Jon down on one knee he could see over the heads of the ponies surrounded him, and it was because of this height vantage that he saw a particular pony walking out of a local store and was now slowly, though tangentially making her way to Jon. A pony whose green body and mane was as recognizable as the cream colored pony she always hanged around with.
“Lyra!” Jon thought to himself as his body felt as if it would collapse at any moment. With all that he had been through he had forgotten that his apparent number one fan was still around and presumably still eager to meet him.
Jon knew that if he stayed here any longer Lyra would notice him and ram her way through the crowd of ponies to get to him like a bowling ball toppling a set of pins. Suddenly a trip to a new town didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
“Jonathan?” Rarity repeated at a now higher volume as she waved her hoof in his face. “Is something the matter? You were just about to tell me what was wrong?”
At this point Lyra still hadn’t noticed the towering human because she was moving parallel to him and was busily talking with her mate Bon-bon, but Jon knew that at any moment that could change.
“O-o-oh um, yes, yes there is a problem.” Jon finally worked up the nerve to say. “That is to say uh we... uh w-w-we... the problem is if we don’t leave now we’ll properly miss our reservations at the Rapid whatever it’s called!”
With one swing of his arm Jon effortlessly scooped Rarity up and under his arm like she was an oversized football, against the advice of his still aching back.
“But before we go let’s leave this general area!” He advised. “Come one; we’ll head back to your place!”
“My, my Jonathan!” Rarity exclaimed; the idea of her being literally swept off her feet by a celebrity was quite enchanting. “I never knew you were so forward.”
“Yeah that’s me alright!” Jon said as he dashed off in the opposite direction and around a nearby corner. “Now let’s get the hell out of here!”
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Getting Rarity back to her own place was easy; it was the rumors of him down on one knee while passionately locking eyes with her that would be hard to explain down the road. But that wouldn't be till much later.
At the moment the both of them were back at Carousel Boutique, with Jon idly sitting down drumming his fingers while Rarity paced back and forth, unable to contain herself. The room was still as messy as when they left it but Rarity didn’t seem to notice; all that was on her mind was convincing the already convinced Jon about the prospect of having her on his show.
“So I’ve already booked our stay at the restaurant up in Canterlot.” She mused, in a tone that she normally reserved for special occasions.
“Rarity.” Jon called out from his seat atop the large suitcase. But to no avail.
“From there we will share an exclusive boat ride in the private pony-made lake at the Canterlot Country club.” She continued.
“Rarity, you really don’t have to.” Jon said once more.
“I’ve already pulled a couple of strings with the owner so the entire lake will be closed off to the public... nopony will be bother us.” She bragged.
“Rarity I’ve already decided you can be on the show.” Jon implored. “You can stop now.”
“Oh dear I just realized! We’re going to be dining at the one the most exclusive restaurants in all of Equestria and I haven’t a thing to wear!” She said, inadvertently ignoring Jon once more.
“Rarity you can be my next guest!” He said, this time in a slightly louder tone.
“Dear me how could I have been so foolish!” She said while falling backwards onto nearby pile of clothing she claimed to not have. “Whatever shall a mare to do!?”
“You can come on my show.” He offered.
“WAIT! I got it! I’ll make a new outfit!” She announced.
“Rarity, I’m going to carve my initials into the side of your glass case.” Jon threatened.
“An outfit so extravagant that when the high class ponies of Canterlot see me they’ll collapse at the mere sight of my sophistication!” She continued. “Then you’ll have no choice but to see that I have what it takes to be on your program!”
“Rarity, I’m going to kidnap your sister.” Jon warned.
“Yes! That’s perfect!” She responded. “You wait here and promise to not make your decision yet while I get started on the concept design! It only only take a few minutes.”
Reaching into the pocket of his new suit Jon pulled out his trusty lighter which only ever used during emergencies or if a friend needed a light. With a quick hand gesture he opened it, producing a single flame.
“Rarity if you don’t stop talking I will burn this boutique to the ground.” He clearly vowed.
“Well of course I’ll make you a hat to go along with your new suit!” Rarity responded. “Honestly Jonathan, do not be afraid to ask.”
With a sigh Jon withdrew his lighter and watched as the passionate unicorn leapt from her spot and ran off to the back room to grab some supplies.
“Now Jonathan do be a dear and stay put while I prepare for our night on the town.” She said grabbing bits of fabric and tools along the way with her horn. “I need to make our dinner ware and call to see if they’ll be playing the right music. We wouldn't want anything to go wrong tonight now do we?”
Without even waiting for an answer she disappeared behind a door where she normally conducted business that didn’t involve actually making clothing, leaving Jon alone one again. Jon liked Rarity for who she was, especially as a potential guest since she was charming, charitable, influential, tenacious, and based on her apparent connections, well respected within her community... but at the same Jon was somewhat frightened by how tenacious she was.
Getting up to stretch he walked to one end of the room to the other to get the blood flowing; at his age if he sat still doing nothing for long periods of time he’d likely fall asleep. From where Rarity vanished Jon could hear the faint sound of her scrambling to get supplies as well as anything else she might need. Stopping for a second Jon chuckled to himself and shook his head at the thought.
At that moment however Jon heard another sound coming from another door, this time coming from the front entrance of the shop. When he turned around could barely make out two figures walking through the entrance ; it was hard to say who they were since the store was still a complete mess.
Though when one of the two figures spoke it was very clear as to who it was.
“Jon!” The voice called out. “Are you here, Jon?” He now had a plan.
“Over here, Twilight!” He called out, immediately causing whomever was with her to start running towards Jon’s general direction. In anticipation for this Jon jumped from his seat and crouched down a few feet away half in and half out of a rack of hanged dresses, his body poised like a catcher ready to seize a baseball thrown by a pitcher.
A few shuffling of hanging clothes later and it was revealed that the person who came in with Twilight was none other than her assistant Spike the dragon, he jumped into view to where he thought he heard Jon calling out from. From this angle he couldn’t see him since he had stealthily placed himself right behind the purple dragon.
Twilight had just caught up to where Spike was and right as one of them was about to ask the other as to the whereabouts of their human friend Jon leapt forward and grabbed spike with one hand while placing his other hand over his mouth.
“GIMME YO LUNCH MONEY!” Jon yelled in a thuggish voice. For the briefest of moments it looked as if Twilight was about to attack Spike’s would-be mugger, but once it was clear, at least to her, that it was Jon she gave a sigh of relief and a slight grin at the inevitable rough housing that came naturally between the two.
The plan at this point was to not let go of the now struggling Spike till he himself figured out that he was being “attacked” by Jon. Or least that’s what he would have done were it not for his hand which now felt like he had placed it on a skillet slowly being turned on. Without thinking Jon dropped spike as he recoiled his hand.
“AARGH !” He cried out in pain.
The second his hand left Spike’s mouth a burst of green fire exploded causing a surprised Jon to stumble back where he collided with a standing rack of clothing. When spike turned around he was still confused by who it was that attacked him since the intruder now laid under a pile of clothes. It wasn’t until Twilight used her magic to lift a series of dresses off, like a showgirl unveiling a new car, did Spike understand what was going on.
“JON!” Spike yelped out of joy. Just as Jon had predicted the tiny baby dragon launched himself at Jon’s face like a baby Xenomorph, leaving him a very small window of time to react. Twilight slowly approached the two as the comedian struggled to tear Spike off of him, mostly so he could breath.
“Hey buddy.” Jon smiled as he sat up, crossed his legs and placed Spike on his lap like he was Father Christmas. “Long time no see.”
The same hand that he used to prevent Spike from talking was slightly charred and still smoldering. Again he yelped in pain when he placed it against the ground to hoist himself up. He might've attempted to try and remedy it with some kind of bandaging or ointment but before he could even ask it began to heal on its own. It was now being attended to by Twilight who was casting a quick and simple healing spell while the other hand was being used as lumbar support for the tiny dragon; he could now see the damage he did to his friend.
“Oh gosh Jon, I’m so sorry!” Spike exclaimed, as he caught a view of the slight burn marks on Jon’s elderly hand. “I didn’t mean to hurt you! I-I was just startled and when I’m scared sometimes I... well yeah... I’m sorry.”
“Hey forget about it; I had it coming.” Jon urged as Twilight used her simple magic to cause all burns to slowly vanish. “Mother always told me when I was but a lad that I shouldn't go around scaring dragons or things like this would happen... was asking for trouble really.”
The two of them shared a laugh while Twilight put the finishing touches on Jon’s now completely healed hand.
“Aaaand there we are!” She said. “Your hand is as good as new.”
“Yeah, nothing about me is ‘new’... still though, thanks Twi. That’s three I owe you,” Jon said. “So... what are you guys doing here?”
Before twilight could answer Spike intercepted the question
“Hey! We could ask you the same question.” Spike responded while wagging a scaley finger at him. “What are you doing here!”
In jest Jon threw both hands up in a gesture of surrender which almost caused Spike to tumble backwards like a baby who was still learning to walk. While Jon quickly made sure he didn’t fall Twilight took the opportunity to state her own hypothesis.
“I bet I know why you’re here, Jon.” She theorized while lightly rubbed her chin with her hoof.
“You do?” Jon asked.
“I think so... it’s why you came to Ponyville in the first place. Remember our conversation this morning?” She reminded. “I’ll bet you are here to ask Rarity to be on your show!”
There was a moment of confusion on Jon’s part brought on by her speculation. He had forgotten that his lie to Twilight about wanting to find a guest had evolved into actuality. For Twilight he was here for his show and while that certainly was the case now it was much different than his original plan.
“O-oh yeah! That’s right!” Jon agreed, doing his best to not draw suspicion. “Yep, that’s why I’m here alright! You got me; I’m came to ask your friend Rarity to be my next guest.”
This sudden news was well received for all who were fortunate enough to hear it, with one individual notably more excited.
“Wow really!” Spike jumped from his seat from pure joy. “That’s great!”
“Yes, this is indeed wonderful news!” Twilight added. “I’m sure the two of you will have a fun time on national television... tell us how did Rarity take the news?”
This question left Jon silent as he wondered how exactly to answer it.
“You did tell her that she can be your next guest... right?” Twilight continued.
“Well of course I did but... but... but she won’t listen to a darn word I say.” Jon explained. “I’ve tried to explain to her as much as possible, but she won’t stop doing me favors to try and earn a guest slot that she already owns... I mean there’s being nice and then there’s going overboard.”
“Yes that... that certainly does sound like our Rarity.” An embarrassed Twilight forced herself to admit.
“It’s almost insufferable. Whenever I try to explain things to her, she insists on a new outing for us to do.” Jon complained. “I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed before, but your friend Rarity is a bit of a drama queen.”
This statement alone was enough to award Jon with the title of captain obvious, and the trophy that came with it; if such a thing existed.
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it.” Twilight sighed.
“B-but you’re still going to have her on your show right!” Spike demanded to know, arguably looking more concerned about this possible appearance than Rarity herself. “I mean you still should! Rarity would make a great guest for your show! She’s nice, talented, caring and, and, and she’s the most wonderfulest pony ever to exist!... uh, no offense Twilight.”
None was taken from her end till just then, which made Jon laugh like a madman. After he was done, he wiped away a lone tear and began to rub Spike’s back.
“Hey, hey don’t worry kiddo I still mean to have her on the show.” Jon assured Spike which caused him to let out a sigh of relief. “But I’m sure her segment won’t hold a candle to yours. Isn’t that right number one?”
“Aw shucks I’m nopony special!” Spike argued.
“Hey don’t sell yourself short, son.” Jon advised. “Afterall I still think your interview was the best ‘Equestrian Interview’ I’ve ever conducted... uh, no offense Twilight.”
Again Twilight didn’t even think about it till it was brought up, prompting her to roll her eyes and verbally express her dismay with a grunt, causing both Jon and Spike to giggle to themselves like a couple of school kids who had just pulled a prank on a fellow classmate.
“But hey! I already answered your guys’ question so now it’s your turn!” Jon demanded. “What are you two doing here?”
The two mythical creatures shared a quick glance with Spike giving a nod for Twilight to explain.
“Well it’s simple really, we came here looking for you Jon.” She revealed. “I wanted to see if you needed further assistance during your stay in our world; or at the very least needed me to transport you back to your world since the Princess is still busy.”
“Ah, Celestia still not answering your calls?” Jon asked.
“That’s right... but not to worry, once you’re ready to head back home I’ll be more than happy to do it for you.” She offered. “Though before I do you’ll still need to actually let Rarity know she got the part... and by the sound if it that may be easier said than done.”
“You're telling me! You wouldn't believe the stuff I’ve had to put up with all for the sake of that pony!” Jon exclaimed. “Did you know that she dragged me to go to the spa where I was forced to have a body massage, mud bath, and face cleaning!?”
Twilight gave Jon an odd look since what he was describing didn’t particularly sound daunting or inconvenient in the slightest.
“Also is this a new suit?” Spike asked she he rubbed his scaley palm cross the sleeve of his sports jacket.
“It is! She made it for me along with a bathrobe and a new pair of swim trunks! ” Jon explained as Twilight continued to shoot him odd looks. “And now she’s taking me to dinner in Canterlot and then we’re going to share a boat ride! I swear at this rate I think she’ll let me go all the way with her if it means she can be on the show.”
Twilight just sighed and shook her head at Jon’s crude humor, especially in front of young Spike who now looked visibly concerned. She would have scolded him for it but just then someone came into the room.
As if thinking about her caused her to materialize, Rarity suddenly burst back into the open after using her magic to throw the door open. What followed was the white and purple unicorn walking very slowly as she used her magic to balance a large amount of fabric in front of her to the point where she couldn't see where she was going.
“Right then, Jonathan! I believe I have all the necessary equipment needed to make our dinner wares for the evening!” She said as she made her way to the center of the room.
Gently she placed the various goods and tools to the side so she could get a good look at Jon.
“Though I’m afraid I’ve lost your measurements, so I’m going to need you to once again...oh! Twilight and Spike? My this is a pleasant surprise.” She said as her mind adjusted to the fact that she now had more guests to attend to. “I had no idea you two were coming by for a visit... had I known I would have spruced the place up. Might I ask why you two are present in my house?”
Before any of the two friends she was addressing could speak Jon decided to step in as this seemed like an ideal opportunity to straighten things out.
“These two are here because of me.” Jon revealed. “This is perfect actually because I wanted to--”
“JON’S MARRIED !” A voice shrieked, startling the adults in the room. Eventually everyone followed the source to the outburst over to Spike who was now standing in front of Jon and point at him while staring at Rarity. “H-he... He’s married and has two kids, you know!”
“I... um y-yes I am well aware of that.” Rarity acknowledged, confused as to why he would even bring up a seemingly trivial point.
“Good because you don’t need to do anything else!” Spike continued, still not entirely satisfied. “He’s married AND he’s already made a decision so you don’t have to go all the way with him!”
Like before, when he first ran into the center of the room, someone came up behind Spike and grabbed him, only this time it was a hoof covering his mouth. Twilight used her magic to yank Spike towards her like a fish on a line and, being more experienced in such matter, covered his snout in a way where she wouldn't get burned by any loose flames.
“I’m sorry but, go all the way where now?” Rarity asked the obviously gagged dragon. “I’m afraid I haven't the faintest idea of what you’re talking about.”
Struggling to speak Spike attempted to break free from Twilight’s magic grip, a task which proved impossible for the chubby baby dragon.
“Oh don’t mind Spike!” Twilight nervously chuckled as she began to slowly walk backwards. “These kids can say... just the oddest things!”
Turning her attention now on Jon, Rarity gave him the same look of confusion as she did to Spike.
“Jonathan, what did he mean by ‘you’ve already made a decision?’” She asked. “What’s going on here.” But he didn’t answer right away; he was still fixated on Spike’s outburst. The next person to talk was actually the one currently manhandling him.
“Jon! Tell her before it’s too late!” Twilight urged as she dragged the still struggling dragon around a corner of clothing, before disappearing.
“Tell me what?” Rarity asked.
“O-oh um... yes I uh, that is to say... Rarity!... I-- based on what I’ve seen today I’ve made a decision on whether or not to have you on my show.” Jon announced causing Rarity’s ears to shoot up, now taking notice. As if her legs couldn't take it she fell down to a sitting position with laser focused attention. “Taking into consideration the events that have transpired today and, the suggestion of various third party consultants I have decided that you, Rarity whatever-your-last-name-is, shall be the nest guest to be interviewed on ‘The Daily Show.’”
Like a poorly signaled satellite interview it seemed like the information didn’t reach Rarity’s mind till a few seconds after it had been uttered by Jon. Visibly she was shaking and it look as if she would explode with any number of emotion at a moment’s notice. Contrary to what Jon thought would happen she calmly got up, brushed up any loose follicles of her person and took a deep breath.
“I see,” she said as she slowly walked backwards to make her way back to her office. “If you’ll excuse me Jonathan I need to um... think matters over before I can accept your offer.”
Waving his hand for her to go, Jon watched as Rarity disappeared behind the door she had previously came out of. What followed was the sound of girlish screams and what sounded like her jumping up and down furiously. Jon would not have categorized it as discrete; even from a room over she was making more noise than Jon did when his hand got burned.
“I think that’s a yes.” Jon mumbled before the white coated unicorn emerged from her work room and back to where she had previously heard the news.
“Ahem... I have decided that, yes, I accept your humblest of invitations... I would gladly spare some time to attend your program.” She said, causing her to smile a most giddy smile. “Actually... would you excuse me for a moment?”
Again Jon waved for her to go and again she rushed into her room to put on an encore performance of her evidential joy. A few seconds later the door swung open and in a blink of an eyes she rushed out to confront him face to face.
“Tell me Jon! What made you finally decide on having me!? What was the determining factor!?” She demanded to know, apparently still having some left over vigor. “Was it it the spa!? Oh, oh, oh, oh I bet it was the suit, wasn’t it!?”
Revealing that it was actually her sister, and her two friends, who basically forced him to agreeing to have Rarity might’ve been too awkward an option to consider. Not only would it mean that Jon’s decision wasn’t based on pure merit alone but that all of Rarity’s charitable gifts and services, which he accepted, were all for not.
Jon didn’t want to sound like a pushover or some kind of con-man so he needed a convenient scapegoat. And as Twilight returned back to the center of the room he found one, or rather in this case, it was a scapedragon.
“Actually it was Spike.” Jon revealed as the dragon rounded the corner with Twilight.
“Spike?” The two unicorns said in unison.
“M-me?” Spike wondered since he was lacking the context of what was being discussed.
“Yeah Spike. I’ll admit I was on the fence about having ya for a bit, but then Spike here informed me about how I should have you regardless.” Jon explained. “He told me how you were the best choice... I believe he said something along the lines of you were the nicest most wonderful pony in the entire history of forever.”
Turning ever so slightly to her side Rarity was now staring directly into Spike’s eyes which were as wide and surprised as her own.
“Spike dear... is this true?” She asked.
“U-uuuuh yes! Yes it is!” Spike boasted as he put his hands on his hips. Slowly Spike felt as if he was being drawn in by some unknown force; before he had the chance to open his eyes Rarity had already used her magic to yank the small dragon to her like he was attacked to the end of a bungie cord.
“OH THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, SPIKE!” She squealed while hugging him so tightly his face started to change colors from lack of oxygen. Though the color came back in the form of red when she leaned in to give him a thankful kiss on the cheek. “You are the best friend a girl can ever have, ever!... oh, no offense Twilight dear.”
Rather than bothering to acknowledge her, Twilight just ignored her comment and focused on picking up Spike from the ground after Rarity let got of him. A difficult task since Rarity’s kiss left him immobilized.
“Jonathan, Spike... I can’t thank you enough for what you two have done today!” Rarity announced while placing both her hooves over her heart.
“Eh don’t worry about it; that’s what friends do.” Jon responded. “Ain't that right Spike?”
Spike tried to respond as well but everything that passed his lips just turned to nonsensical gibberish as he caressed the spot on his cheek where Rarity kissed him.
“No, no, no I feel I must thank you both! It would only be proper for a lady such as myself.” She said as an idea crept it’s way into her head. “AH! I know! Why don’t I treat everypony here for a session at the Spa, my treat.”
“Wait what!” Jon barked. “Again!?”
“Why of course!” Rarity exclaimed. “All this talk about business has left me rather tense... I could use another session to clear my mind... and of course Twilight and Spike will be joining us.”
Jon’s back tensed up at the thought of going back there so soon.
“Oh and afterwards we can all go to Canterlot for that dinner reservation; my treat.” Rarity continued as she idly began to walk back to her work room. “I’m sure I can convince them to add two more chairs to the table, but of course we’ll need to look our best so I better get started on those outfits I was talking about before... OH and wouldn’t it just be the most adorable thing ever if Spike came dressed as...”
Without even waiting for Rarity to exit the room Jon threw his hand to the side, without looking, and grabbed Twilight by the scruff of her neck. With all his strength he yanked her to him with a face that suggested he couldn’t take any more.
“Twilight.” Jon sneered. “Get me the fuck out of here.”
“U-uh sure.” She responded somewhat frightened tone. Letting go of his purple friend Jon stood and readied himself for the incoming spell; a somewhat premature notion since it would take Twilight a few minutes to get things started. “Just give me a second to get the spell ready.”
As twilight began to regulate the flow of magic to a dense cluster at the tip of her horn Spike was just starting to regain full consciousness long enough for Jon to actually carry a conversation with him.
“L-l-l-l-l-leaving... already, Joooon.” Spike blabbered as he tried to stand himself up on his jello legs.
“Hell yes!” Jon said, now noticing Spike’s dazed expression. “You going to be alright, Spike?”
“Yeeeeeaaaaaah.” Spike moaned as he continued to rub the side of his face. “I’ll be fine.”
With Twilight busy Jon decided to take this time to ask him something that had been bother him for awhile now.
“Good cause I want to ask you something.” Jon continued. “How exactly did you and Twilight know where I was? I didn’t tell anyone that I was here nor did I tell Twilight that I was looking for Rarity... or anyone for that matter.”
“Oh... O-oh well that’s cause there’ve been rumors spreading all over ponyville about you and Rarity hanging out together.” Spike revealed now more focused. “Everypony in town knows about it.”
“Oh great, everyone is talking about us” Jon moaned, as he shook his head. “But then again I should be used to this by now... same thing happens back in the human world too. You know I remember this one Halloween there was this incident where...”
Before he could finish Jon went silent as a thought crossed his mind, a thought powerful enough to paralyze him where he stood and send a cold shiver of fear down his back like he was sure he was about to die.
“Jon?” Spike asked as he tugged on his pant leg. “W-what's wrong.”
“Spike?” Jon said. “When you said every
His question was tragically cut short by what sounded like a bird flying straight into a window; it came from behind them. When Jon slowly turned around to investigate he saw what had caused it and immediately felt a chill go through his very heart like nothing he had ever felt before.
Just outside the door to Carousel Boutique a pony was pressing her face against the glass window of Rarity’s front door. Even from far away Jon could properly identify who it was. He prayed he was wrong in his assumption but the second the pony began to speak his suspicions were cemented and his fear justified.
“HI JON!” Lyra yelled as she tried to open the door. “I’VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER TOWN FOR YOU!”
“Oh hello Lyra.” Spike waved. “What brings you--”
“TWILIGHT DO IT NOW! ” Jon yelled as he dropped to both knees in an attempt to simultaneously hid from Lyra and beg to Twilight. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SEND ME BACK HOME RIGHT NOW! ”
“H-hold on a minute.” Twilight said as she struggled to gather up the necessary amount of magic needed. “I’m... not... quite done ye--”
“I DONT CARE !” Jon roared as the sound of the front door opening caused him to yell even louder. “DO IT NOW ! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO-- ”
Following the same path that Twilight and Spike took, as indicated by the clothes spread apart forming a trial, Lyra ran to the center of the room just in time to see Jon disappear behind an explosion of colorful magic. Before her brain to register what had happened she leapt through the cloud of spoke only to land face first onto the ground.
Had she entered the building a second earlier she would have made contact with Jon long enough to get transported back to the human world along with him
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” Lyra moaned. “Horse apples!”
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Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Interview: Please welcome to the show Rarity
The Daily Show Interview transcript archive:
Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Rarity
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
How it usually worked at the Daily Show was the pony, or other indeterminate mythical species, who was scheduled to take the stage would get teleported into the dressing/waiting room of Daily Show headquarters; from there they would be greeted by Jon’s assistant, Selina Jenson.
Is was then that she would often dictate what would happen next. If Jon hadn’t already met with said guest, she would bring them up to him, assuming Jon wasn’t too busy. If circumstances conspired that they couldn't meet right away, like if Jon couldn't be bothered at the moment or he and the guest had already met, then Selina took it upon herself to show the guest around and inform them as to what would happen and what was expected of them.
This meant that sometimes the scenario was possible of Jon having a read out of what the guest is like even before meeting them, or what kind of tone the interview might potentially be heading into. And judging by the way Selina had burst into Jon’s office unannounced just confirmed what he had already known.
“UGH! I can’t stand that woman!” Selina roared as she burst her way into Jon’s office without knocking, like a wild bull, and threw herself into the chair in front of Jon’s desk.
Looking up from the pile of work on his desk, Jon was shocked to see his assistant with her tie undone, hair down, and a face that looked as if she wanted to punch the nearest face she could reach. Jon hardly recognized her.
“Who, you mean Rarity?” Jon asked, getting only a angry sigh and a forced nod in return. “Odd, I’d’ve thought you’d love her. She’s a highclass pony like Octavia and you liked her .”
“Yes, but Octavia never tried to take away my job by going around the office telling people what to do or where to go because according to her she wanted her interview to go ‘JUST RIGHT’” Selina sneered as she pulled out a cigarette from a metal tin case. “Nor did she feel the need to comment on my outfit by saying that maybe I should let the bust in a bit more!”
Slamming her hand on Jon’s desk, she grabbed his lighter and lit her cigarette without asking permission. With great haste she took a long puff and blew the smoke out her nose, driving the bull comparison home.
“S-Selina I... I’ve never seen this side of you before.” Jon said, trying his hardest to hid back a smile and the laugh that came with it. “I... I didn’t think you were capable of this.... showing emotions I mean.” Clearly not amused by his jesting she gave Jon a look that bordered on angry and unamused before expelling another cloud of harmful smoke.
“And I didn’t think you’d be capable of such poor decisions.” She rebutted. “What on Earth would compel you to invite that... that pony onto your show!?”
This was actually a question Jon thought long and hard about for the past couple of hours. And while he could have justified his decision by any of the numerous examples that Rarity herself had given to him, or by the fact that, as well as being a very talented and independent business woman, she was also very kind, generous, and helpful.
Not to mention she was a member of the Mane 6, a group of elite ponies who have literally saved Equestria on numerous occasions. But for all her boasting and accolades, Jon hadn't yet exactly pinpointed that one important aspect of her that made her a must have for the show, unlike say her colleagues Rainbow Dash or Twilight Sparkle, a speed demon and a master of magic respectively.
But it was here during the post production of the show that Jon finally found what Rarity a very important pony. She was the only guest capable of getting under the skin of Jon’s nerve strong assistant to the point where she requested the rest of the day off. His back pain was well worth seeing his assistance in such a flustered state.
“Oh this interview is going to be good.” Jon thought with a laugh.
Apparently Selina wasn’t the only person who thought her job was being taken over by obtrusive unicorn. According to other key members of the Daily Show crew, Rarity was asserting so much input into the going-ons around the office that a good percentage of the show that day was being organized by her alone.
It started with the makeup girls wanting to work on her face. They got about as far as suggesting a type of brush to use to apply some blush before Rarity politely, though hesitantly, rejected their help in favor of doing her own makeup for the time being.
At first they they didn’t mind Rarity’s wanting to do her own face, it was actually quite preferred since now they could work on the makeup of some of the other scheduled pundits that day like, Jason Jones and his wife Samantha Bee. Or rather they would had Rarity not taken it upon herself to do their makeup as well because, according to her; she just wanted to help.
The staff, to a degree, respected her willingness to assist them, but from where they stood it seemed like she thought she could a better job than them... something which was actually embarrassingly true. Though this didn’t stop them from trying to show off some degree skill of their own. At one point some brave, but foolish, intern tried to match her intensity by demanding that she stylize Rarity’s mane for her interview... in practice that intern might as well have issued a declaration of war against her.
Another department of the show that felt the fabulous wrath of Rarity was the costume department. A section that was so obviously a target that Jon made it a point to actually warn them about her eventual visit. Though in practice it was like warning someone that a unavoidable heat seeking missile is heading towards them hours after it already terminated; it didn’t help.
What really got to some of the custom designers was how Rarity claimed all their assorted clothing was out of date and not very well put together. She explained how, if not properly attended to, they would fall apart very easily during usage; so they took upon herself to fix them. Again her eagerness to help would sometimes rub people the wrong way and for others it just made them depressed to see how a Pony, who had no fingers, was better at sewing then they were; and they had loads of fingers.
There was one section of the Daily Show that Rarity actually avoided like the plague and that was the sound and tech department. It seemed that for all her technical skills, when it came to the arts, she knew next to nothing about electronics and distanced herself from them accordingly.
This meant that those working on the set were left to do things themselves, though that didn’t stop Rarity from visiting to make sure everything was okay for her debut; though she didn’t stay very long. As for the sound engineers they didn’t even know what she looked like till the actual interview since she left them completely alone. They weren’t working on the set, but rather were left to come up with a theme song that would play during the actual airing which was later that day.
Another aspect of the show that didn’t need any input on Rarity’s part was the audience which reliably embraced the viewer with the same level of enthusiasm one would expect from them after the return from the final commercial break.
Stock footage of the streets of New York flashed on screen while the camera did it’s usual sweep before eventually zooming in on Jon who was pretending to hastily write his signature in blue note paper after blue note paper. When he looked up to address the camera he was still doing so but now talking over the audience in the process.
“Hey Welcome back! My Guest tonight, ladies and gentleman!” He yelled over the crowd as best he could. “She is a member of the Elements of Harmony, a professional seamstress, and an active resident of Ponyville.”
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“Jesus!” Jon gasped, as he recoiled in fake terror. “Please welcome to the show Rarity!”
As the audience began to cheer for the eventual unveiling of the new Equestrian interviewee the sound of chirpy music began to play overhead, acting as the theme song for the guest for the night. A theme song that Rarity herself had no input on since she didn’t dare to go anywhere near the sound department.
Eventually the cheers got louder once someone finally emerged from backstage and onto the set. It was in fact Rarity who slowly walked across the stage in such a confident swagger that one could very well assume she’d been practicing her entrance for hours.
And while the good people of Manhattan were very cultured and well-bred patrons of the arts, even they were caught off guard by the pony currently walking across the stage. The way she looked and acted gave the impression that perhaps her presence would be better suited for some kind of grant ballroom or at the unveiling of a theatre or concert hall in some upstate European city.
Her dress was a long flowing gown of royal blue that matched well with the blue on stage, and gold trimmings that spiraled into shapes at the edges. She also wore a decorative gold saddle with a design of the sun on it; it was clearly designed to be practical only in that it was a purely cosmetic item.
As she walked closer and closer to Jon, he found himself having to hold back some early fits of laughter at her hair which was done in a sort of beehive style. The way it was woven was expertly done, but since the style in itself was always silly looking to him, he found himself having to force back a sea of laughter.
Meeting her halfway on stage Jon leaned in to shake her hoof and give her a kiss on cheek which she returned in a similar fashion. Before the two returned to the desk, they stood there to wave at the guests with Rarity whispering encouragements to herself in an attempt to feel less nervous.
Jon could sense this so he held on to her hoof for support, but soon found that he couldn’t break free even if he wanted to since Rarity was using her magic to keep his hand, and subsequently his entire self glued in one spot. He just assumed this was because she was nervous but in actuality it was because with Jon still wearing the suit that Rarity made for him, and the dress she was wearing, being her own design, she wanted to show off her handy work to the world as long as possible, thus accumulating a bulk of free advertisement in a few seconds equal to what would normally have taken her years and several hundred bits.
After it was clear that it was time to get back to their seats, clear by a stagehand desperately trying to get their attention by pointing to his watch, Rarity and Jon made their way back to the desk with Jon offering his hand for his guest to easily get to her chair. There the two did one last wave to the audience before sitting down, both seemed ready to go with Rarity being the last to stop waving.
“Welcome to the show Ms. Rarity; we-- thanks so much for being here today.” Jon said as the crowd began to die down in volume. “I must say that’s a real nice dress you have there... I’m guessing it was made by you?”
“Why yes!” She responded, hoping Jon would ask this very question. “Thank you ever so much for noticing, Darling! If I may say so myself that is a rather dapper looking suit you heave there! Is it new?”
Both he and the crowd laughed, leaving the audiences at home wondering what was so funny. In typical Daily Show fashion before the actual airing there was a moment where Jon got to address the audience one on one and share questions and comments. It was during this open forum that some vacationing tourist asked Jon the exact same question, it was then that he revealed that his new suit was a gift from the guest of the hour.
“W-why yes it uh, it most certainly is!” He answered in a overly excited tone. “A friend made it for me.”
Again the intended inside joke between Jon and his in house audience connected perfectly. However Rarity was hoping that Jon would reveal that said suit was of her design; disappointed but not defeated she knew of a back up way to get what she wanted.
“Which reminds me, Jonathan.” She said as she used her magic to produce a stylish looking box with the prettiest pink bow one could ever see. “You left my place of residence without taking your other suit with you. I took the liberty of cleaning, pressing, and neatly folding it in this box for you.”
Using her magic she lifted the purple and pink box into Jon’s hands whereupon he took it and placed it underneath the desk. The fact that she had his clothes, that he himself left at her house caused a few raised eyebrows from the audience both here and back in Equestria.
“Thank you Rarity.” Jon said as he turned ever so slightly to address the audience. “For those of... of, of, of you wondering I visited her once and I left my suit... because she made me this one and well I... yeeeeaaah sooo-- HEY Rarity! How you liking your stay in New York so far!?”
The audience chuckled as both he and Rarity adjusted themselves in their seats at almost the same time.
“Oh it’s it’s simply marvelous, darling!” She exclaimed. “The art! The culture! The prestige! Ahhhh, it’s all so wonderful and sophisticated! Though I will admit I was a tad worried about coming here on my own.”
“Really?” He wondered aloud. “Funny I thought you’d be excited if anything else.”
“Oh, but of course! Don’t get me wrong I’ve been looking forward to this for quite some time.” She explained, raising her hooves in defense. “But you see... well if I’m to explain my hesitation I feel I should first provide a bit of context... are you familiar with how programs from your world make it to ours?”
When it came to the more detailed and technical analysis of how broadcasting and wavelengths work Jon was about as far removed from understanding that as humanly possible. But at it’s more basic level, Jon had an idea of what was happening.
“In a uh... in a matter of speaking y-y-yes I do.” Jon began. “Only a very select few human programs actually make it to Equestria... not because of quality or censorship, but because of signal strength... there-- some make it and others don’t. Lucky for me my show is uh... is one of them.”
“Yes exactly, and while yours is by far the most popular human program watched in Equestria there are some other shows that we watch as well... though they don’t hold a candle to you, darling.” She complimented. “Now as I was saying... there is another program which, on occasion, I’ll find time to watch. It’s something of a guilty pleasure for me actually..”
“No kidding?” Jon said.
“Oh indeed so, and said show also takes place in New York.” she continued, surprising Jon as evident by his now leaning forward. “And it’s from watching this that I, I’ll admit, I had this idea that New York... might be a dangerous place.”
The stigma that New York was a place filled with violence and crime was always one that irked Jon a bit. While the big apple had it’s fair share of bad seeds it wasn’t anymore dangerous than any other city; in fact as of late the crime rate was down. So to hear about how that very same stigma crept it’s way into the pony world didn’t exactly sit well with him.
“Well I’m sorry to hear that.” He apologized, his inner curiosity now growing. “If I may... did you-- what show exactly gave you the impression that New York was so dangerous?”
“Well... it’s-- I’m not sure if you’ve ever heard of it. But it was an hour long program called ‘Law and Order.’” She unveiled causing both Jon and the audience to laugh. “The show itself was quite riveting I dare say... but with a new crime every episode I was beginning to think; ‘goodness New York must be filled with all manner of criminals!’”
Jon wasn’t sure if Rarity knew whether or not the Law and Order series was fictional, but when he thought about it he decided it would be funnier if he just left her stay blissfully ignorant.
“Yeah a dead hooker every week will do that to ya?” Jon laughed. “Though...We-- I certainly hope you don’t still-- I mean now that you’re actually here I hope you don’t feel the same way.”
“Oh no need worry, darling.” Rarity assured him. “I know now that New York is a vibrant oasis of culture and civility... and, if I may be so bold, home to some of the most fabulous looking humans I’ve ever seen.”
Even though it was uncertain exactly how many humans she’d seen in her lifetime, or wether a pony can properly gauge human looks, the crowd still accepted this pandering compliment and began to cheer accordingly. She may have never been on television before, but she certainly knew how to work an audience.
“Oh please stop! You’re embarrassing me!” Rarity begged the audeince as she blushed slightly and made gesturing motions towards those in the bleachers. “I must say your audience members are as welcoming as they are classy.”
Straining his neck to get a good look at those in attendance, Jon gave a confused look like he and his guest weren’t seeing the same thing.
“Are you sure we’re seeing the same crowd here?” Jon whispered into his mic which caused the audience to laugh.
“Oh Jonathan you certainly are a facetious one. When I look into our audience tonight I see some of the most delightful group of humans one could ask for.” She complimented. Her desire to pander to those watching was a technique that Jon, as as standup comedian, was all too familiar with. “Wonderful people for an equally wonderful city...I can see why you grew up here.”
“Yes I-- actually that’s a common mistake among my fans; I actually didn’t grow up here in the big apple.” Jon corrected. “I was born here... uh, I’ve spent most of my adult life here, but I... I, I, I actually grew up in a little town called Lawrenceville in upstate New Jersey.”
“Oh... well I suppose it’s true what they say; you learn something new everyday..” She chimed as she took a sip of her water. “Well I’m... afraid I don’t know much about this ‘New Jersey.’ Tell me Jonathan is it anything like New York?”
“Eeeeeeh not really.” Jon proclaimed as he tapped his pen against the table. “Let’s... let’s put it this way... uh, P-Ponyville is to New Jersey as Canterlot is to New York.” The audience chuckled even though a few of them weren’t entirely clear on the comparison since they had never been either location, but they understood the joke well enough to see its intended humor.
“Oh... oh, I see.” Rarity said, sounding somewhat disappointed. Clearing her throat she again grabbed her water. “An amusing comparison I must say! Tell me what would the human equivalent to say... Cloudsdale be?”
The name alone made Jon cringed as memories he’d rather forget flooded his brain.
“Cloudsdale huh?” Jon asked trying not to sound too familiar. “Isn’t that the place that’s just spewing with Rainbows at every opening?
“Yes, that is indeed the place.” She acknowledged.
“Of course we have a human equivalent.” He offered. “It’s called San Francisco.”
The joke’s punch line had more of a direct impact to the humans watching the show than the ponies; although Rainbow Dash knew all too well what Jon was referring to.
“San... Fran cisco?” She pondered to Jon. “How odd... I wonder if it anything to do with an Equestrian city to the far west of Ponyville called ‘San Flankcisco.”
At the moment there was no laughter to be had from the audience at Rarity’s statement. It was only when there was a silence brought on by Jon just staring at her with a peculiar look on their face did they feel the need to express the humor of what was going on.
“‘San Flank cisco?’ My god, is there anything you people won’t ponify?” Jon asked, with a look of disbelief on his face. “You know what? Fine! I'll... I'll role with it! So, have you uh, have you have been to to this ‘San Buttcisco’ of yours?”
“Well yes, I have, but it doesn’t have the same prestige as some of the other cities in Equestria so I don’t make it a point of interest to go there very often.” She admitted, disappointing some regional watchers. “How about you darling.”
“If you’re asking if I’ve ever been to San Francisco, then the answer is not really.” He answered. “I’m more of a east coast shut in. Born in New York, raised in New Jersey, moved back to New York.”
“Well... at least you had the good sense to leave New Jersey and come back to New York when you had the chance.” Rarity complemented.
The reaction, once again, was slightly mixed as some of the visiting guests were actually from the garden state, as were a good portion of the audience watching in their homes.
“You know it’s-- I find it odd that you... you, you, you live the high society life, yet at the same time you live in Ponyville.” He submitted while gesturing his hand forward in a chopping motion. “You know instead of... I would think you’d rather live in a place like Canterlot, Baltimare, or Manehattan. Yeah that’s right, I can swing the pony lingo now!”
With a delicate hoof upon her lips, Rarity chuckled to herself in a way that most stereotypical high class people did, like she was afraid a full bloated laugh would cause her to spill her drink.
“I’ll admit my current residence is a bit... oh how should I but it, ‘grottier’ than I would like it, but it does have some sentimental value to me.” She explained, with Jon understanding all too well. “It’s where dear old Mommy and Daddy raised me, and it’s where all my friends are... it may have it’s flaws, and at times I feel it’s filled with some of the craziest individuals one could ever imagine, but for all the unsophistication and lack of class, you’ll always find yourself welcomed with opened hooves. And while there may be some new evil trying to destroy us every so often, it’s still a worthwhile place to consider. Great place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there... and yet it will always hold a special place in my heart.”
During her exposition Jon was leaning forward with a single arm under his head for support so after she had finished talking he jerked back like he was awoken from some kind of trance.
“Wait, we’re still talking about New Jersey right?” Jon said causing both the audience and the guest to share a laugh. After their joyous session of giggles finally ended, he spoke once more. “Now uh... y-you’re love for Ponyville aside... do you-- you’ve been to some of the other Equestrian cities before right?”
“Oh, yes, yes many times.” Rarity admitted.
“Great so... out of all these... these grand pony metropolitans which would you say is your favorite.” Jon asked.
“Oh dear well now that is a difficult question to answer. Picking one’s favorite... well anything is always an arduous task.” She explained as she rubbed her chin and used her magic to levitate her mug of water to her mouth. “Hmm... I’m afraid I can’t be certain at this point.”
“Oh come on Rare! There’s gotta be someplace your enjoy more than the other.” Jon pleaded as he jokingly grabbed her hoof. “I mean, gun to your head, if you had to pick just one which would it be?”
Rarity was all but willing to answer Jon’s question by now, but something he just said caused her an understandable amount of confusion, considering their cultural differences.
“I’m... I’m sorry Jonathan but a what to my head?” She asked. The same look of confusion was now being shared by Jon himself.
“Gu... a gun.” He repeated himself in a louder voice though it didn’t seem to make her any more clear on what he was asking. “It, it, it’s an expression that means if you were forced to make a decision.”
“Oh that I understood,” She continued. “I’m just not entirely sure what a ‘gun’ is.” With eyes that looked like someone had shined a light into them Jon leaned forward in utter shock.
“Are you seriously telling me you don’t know what a gun is!?” She exclaimed as he began to make a gesture with his hand to imitate gun with his pointer finger and thumb. “You know those, those, things that... you know that kill people... by firing small pieces of metal at them... at very high veloci-- OH COME ON, you watch Law and Order!”
The more he explained this point to his guest, the more confused he got, but just when it seemed like Jon was barking up the wrong tree a look of realization appeared on Rarity’s face. Finally she made the connection.
“Ooooooooh a gun !” She conceded. “Oh yes now I remember... those dreadful things that are used to hurt others... yes now I remember. Sorry about that dear, but I’m afraid such things aren’t my forte... you see there are no guns in Equestria.”
Taking a sip of her water the crowd in attendance began to cheer at the thought of a world that had no firearms. Much like how Rarity was struggling to understand what a gun was, Jon was having a difficult time comprehending how she lived in a world completely devoid of them.
“I....wha-- wow I just... okay, you know what, one thing at a time!” Jon exclaimed as he lifted his finger into the air. “We’ll uh... w-w-we’ll come back to that later... but for now about that question I asked you.”
“Hmm? Oh right, right, right, of course!” Rarity cleared her throat, as her memory returned to her. “Now then as we were discussing.... out of all the major metropolises in Equestria that I have personally had the pleasure of visiting, I would say my favorite would be the illustrious city of Canterlot. It may not have the size of Manhattan or the industrial life blood of say, Baltimare... but what it does have is a vibrant oasis of art and culture that are the talks of legend. Plus it holds the royal castle which had me as a guest of honor at one point.”
For a second Jon wanted to tell how the same thing happened to him too, but at the risk of sounding he was trying to upstage his guest he decided to keep it to himself.
“OH wow, well congratulations!” Jon said as the audience gave an applause quick enough for Jon to speak again. “That must have been quite an experience for you.”
“Goodness me, it certainly was! Oh you would not believe the amount of elegant ponies I saw during my stay!” Rarity exclaimed as she cocked her head to the side like she was daydreaming. “Now of course yours truly is no stranger to the sophisticated lifestyle of upper class ponies, but these socialites were truly the best of the best; with the most influential of them all being the world renowned colt among colts, the one and only Fancy Pants.”
“Oh, you met Fancy pants did you?” Jon asked, finding that two two being acquainted not at all surprising, given their backgrounds.
“Yes I most certainly did! You see at first I was invited to Canterlot as a guest of the Princess in her castle where I would design a dress for Twilight's birthday, BUT as luck would have it I happened to run into Fancy pants while in Canterlot Proper.” She explained in a giddy tone like a high schooler describing how she met the captain of the football team during passing periods. “Oh I tell you it was like something out of and old fairy tale! Imagine it Jonathan, there I was; a nopony wondering the perfectly paved streets of Canterlot, unnoticed by the many mares and colts that passed her by. But then all of a sudden she was approached by some mysterious figure revealing himself to being the most handsome and charming stallions of them all. Before the young and naive mare knew what had happened she was swept off her hooves by this hunk of a pony and promptly invited to join him and his inner circle of friends on a rollocking adventure exploring the many fine outlets that Canterlot had to offer! It was truly an experience that most mares only dream of.”
There was no doubt in Jon’s mind that Rarity was exaggerating some of the finer points in her description of what had happened. Though one thing he did take her at face value was the part of Fancy Pants inviting her to join him for a day around the town; it really did seem like something he’d do. Pretty much the same thing happened to Jon when he and his wife visited Canterlot for the first time; a point which he decided, again, not to bring up lest it seemed like he was trying to upstage his guest.
“So where did-- what did you and Fancy Pants end up doing for that fairy tale outing of yours?” He asked as he leaned back in his seat, causing Rarity to lean forward.
“Oh no where special reeeaaaally.” She confessed with a idle wave of her hoof. “He only took me, as his guest of honor I should mention, to see the Wonderbolts do a live performance, then he invited me to christen the launching of a new high class airship, but not before inviting me over to his private yacht.”
“And here I thought you were a cheap date.” Jon commented in an obvious joking manner. “I’m guessing your trip was all pleasure and no business then?”
“Well now I wouldn't say that say that exactly.” She commented. “Do not get me wrong, I had some jolly good fun conversing with high class society ponies, but at the same time I did remember I was there for a reason. I was tasked with preparing the most stunning dress Twilight had ever seen... which was difficult when so many of Fancy Pants’ colleagues were inviting me to their various social gatherings... they were quite persistent that I attend.”
“So what you're saying is you had business to take care of, but a bunch of fancy ponies kept trying to force you to go to their different shindigs?” Jon surmised.
“Yes that’s exactly what happened!” Rarity affirmed. “I mean can you imagine?”
“I think I have an idea of what that feels like.” He said waiting for the irony to sink in, but it never did. “Sounds exhausting to me really.”
“Well for now I will say this... the events I participated in were actually quite riveting!” She continued. “I got to go to an art gallery to see an upcoming exhibit, attend a charity auction, for a good cause I assure you, and then there was a private dinner party at a local resident's fabulous penthouse suite.”
“Rarity, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you wore a different outfit for each and every one of these fancy occasions you’ve just listed.” He assumed.
“Why yes I did!” She revealed sounding rather flattered. “How did you know.”
“Just a hunch.” Jon shrugged.
“But you see doing so necessary. As well has having a ‘good time’ I was also networking with some of the most influential ponies of my generation, because as I'm sure you are aware it's not what you know it's who you know. So I’m sure you understand that I needed to look my best.” She explained. “But yes it is how you said all very exhausting. Why I was on my hooves so much I almost didn’t finish Twilight dress!” To bring this point home Rarity struck a dramatic pose where she laid the back of her hoof against her face.
“You know... uh, you could have just politely declined their offer and focused on making the dress.” Jon argued.
“Bite your tongue, Jonathan! A noble mare such as myself could never do such a thing. They requested my presence at their various outings, a true lady such as myself had to attend.” She challenged as she slammed the top of the desk. “Going to those events helped me expand my portfolio of professional acquaintances like never before! As a strong independent business mare, these contractual obligations are just as important as keeping a promise to a friend... besides if word got out that I turned down the invitations of some of the highest regarded ponies in all of Canterlot then others would assume I was some kind of churlish snob who's bad manners were matched only a lacking sense of civility.”
“Wow... you really care about how other ponies think about you, don’t ya.” He submitted.
“Well now when you put it that way it makes me sound like some kind of egotistical scamp who bases her self worth by what others say about-- okay I can see where you're coming from.” She admitted in a deadpan voice as she nervously rubbed the back of her head. “I’m afraid I’ve... I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember... ever since I was young I always dreamt of being a somepony... and I just thought that if these high class ponies thought the world of me I could finally be an important pony.”
Rather than coming at things from an understanding angle, or seeing things from her point of view, Jon raised a single eyebrow as far up as he could before leaning in like he was going to whisper something but instead spoke in a clear tone.
“Rarity... you... at the time this was happening you got to stay in Canterlot Castle as the personal guest of PRINCESS CELESTIA.” Jon reminded her. “Not only that, but you’re also a member of a group of ponies who control the elements of existence and have saved the world twice; once from a powerful Alicorn trying to take over the throne a-and, and, and again against a god who was threatening to plunge all of existence into eternal chaos. W-what I’m saying is unless you also...uh, find a way of making it so when I drop my toast it lands butter side up I think you can’t get any more important than you already are.”
“Why thank you Jonathan darling! You do know what to say to make a girl feel good about herself don’t you?” She cheered as she flipped her hair coquettishly. “In a lot of ways you remind me a lot of Fancy Pants; a sophisticated socialite with wealth, power, followers, and a true gentleman and a scholar.”
“Rarity stop, you’re already on the show.” Jon patted her hoof as the crowd shared a laugh. “And speaking of which I actually had Fancy Pants on, on, on my show once before.”
“Ah yes, I am well aware of that!” She answered as she sat up in her seat now at full attention. “That particular episode is actually one of my all time favorites, I’ll have you know.”
Here in the human world the Daily Show was world renowned, but at the same time the audience was dominated by a certain group or two for ultimate niche appeal. They didn’t score too well with republicans, the elderly, or rich people, but throughout the years cornered the market with younger, more liberal audiences. And stoners; they completely controlled the stoner demographic.
But the guests he’s had from Equestria were from all walks of life and, based on their census, seemed that every pony in Equestria watched his show.
“Well after this I’m sure he’ll feel the same way about yours?” He said. “Honestly I’m surprised ponies like you and Fancy Pants even watch my show.”
“Oh darling please; anypony who is anypony watches the Daily Show back home.” She revealed in a tone that suggested that she was only stating an obvious. “I myself have been enjoying the comedic genius of your fine program for many years now. I’ll admit... I may have missed a few episodes every now and again during the hectic fashion season, but as of late I have never missed an installment of ‘Equestrian Interviews.’”
No doubt Jon was flattered by this gesture, but rather than letting it go, he decided to expand on it, since something she said gave him an idea for another interesting line of questioning.
“Rarity... Which-- might I ask you a question?” He said as he leaned in like what he was about to say was extremely important.
“Well of course, Jonathan!” She said. “You can ask me whatever your heart desires!”
“Okay thanks.” He responded in a blunt tone, and then proceeded to say nothing, leaving an awkward silence. When Rarity began to fidget in her seat the audience chuckled at her expression of confusion.
“Um... w-what is the question you want to ask, Darling?” She finally ventured.
“Oh no that was it.” Jon revealed. “My question was ‘can I ask you a question?’”
“....Oh ...” Rarity said, looking confused than playfully annoyed once she saw Jon break out in laughter at her expense.
“No I’m just joking!” He chuckled, obviously amused by his own antics. He took a second to get whatever laughter he had left out of his system before continuing. “What I... no, actually what I wanted to ask was.... was, was, was...out of... out of all the episodes you’ve seen that’s had a guest from Equestria... who--which one would be your favorite?”
Much like before there was a silence from Rarity only this time it was because she was seriously thing thinking about the question. This was clear by her now leaning forward with her one hoof holding her up and the other tapping gently against her face in thought.
“Weeell... well Like I said before, picking ones favorite anything is always a difficult choice to make.” She explained. “Especially since quite a few of of the ponies you’ve interviewed are dear friends of mine.”
“Buuuuuuuuuuut.” Jon leaned in with widened eyes.
“But... if I had to pick one Equestrian Interview I enjoyed the most... I would say it would be... Rainbow Dash’s.” Rarity admitted, sounding and looking slightly guilty that she said it. “I mean no disrespect to some of my colleagues who have been and I’m sure will be on this very show, but when it comes to Rainbow Dash... well like me I know she’s just been dying to get on television, so when I finally saw her being interviewed, I just couldn't help but feel overwhelming joy for her... It was nice seeing a friend’s dream come true. Also, it was amusing seeing you tease her a bit here and there.”
“Yes well, I know where you're coming from, it is always nice to see a friend succeed in their goals.” He stated. He himself had the pleasure of seeing many of his corresponds move on to bigger, better things. “And you know I rather liked the uh, the Rainbow Dash Interview as well, and so did our fans. According to ratings, viewership of the show went up a whopping 20% after her interview.”
“Oh I’m not surprised; she’s an all around great friend to have, I can’t imagine how anypony wouldn’t find her absolutely adorable.” She chimed in. “As a matter of fact I owe so much of what I’ve done with my life to her. It’s because of her that I was able to get my Cutie Mark... it’s a long story, but basically me, Twilight, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie all got our Cutie Marks because of her. Not only that, but at one point dearest Rainbow Dash actually saved my life.”
“She did!?” Jon marveled as he leaned in, almost hanging over his desk.
“Oh indeed she did!” Rarity responded as she leaned in as well. “Again a long story darling but the gist of it is I and the Wonderbolts were falling to our deaths when Rainbow Dash heroically swooped down from on high and saved us all from a fate most fowl! So yes, I do owe that pony a lot for always being there for me; like a good friend should.”
While the crowd applauded this declaration of friendship Rarity herself was having a hard time pinpointing the look on Jon’s face. Partially because he had his hands clasped in front of it, as if in deep thought, but also because, despite her heartwarming story, he looked to be both confused and annoyed.
“Okay... so... alright, alright... so If I’m understanding you correctly... Rainbow Dash has not only... helped save your world multiple times from the forces of evil but she’s also... responsible for setting into action a series of events which ultimately shaped the lives of five other ponies who would grow up to become the Elements of Harmony themselves.” Jon listed as Rarity followed along by nodding her head. “In addition, she’s not only one of the fastest flyers in your world, but she’s the only pony to ever pull off the uh... the, the, the, Sonic Rainboom and she’s also saved the lives of both you and numerous members of the Wonderbolts from certain death... am I right so far?”
“Yes, yes you are darling.” She answered. For the third time there was no dialogue between them, just a very confused Jon looking at Rarity with a look of complete disbelief like she had just told him that the world is flat.
“Okay seriously!” Jon roared as she threw his hands in the air. “How the HELL is she not a member of the Wonderbolts yet!?”
Before she could even answer, the crowd began to cheer and applaud with an intensity they usually reserved for only for when the show began or ended. At one point Rarity tried to say something but her words were drowned out by the crowd chanting the words “Rainbow Dash” over and over again.
“Well I’m... I’m certain that one day they will see her for the great and loveable pony that she.” Rarity said over the continued cheering of the crowd. “Actually awhile ago I created the most stunning technicolor scarf and saddle ensemble that would look simply adorable with the Wonderbolts uniform... I plan on giving it to Rainbow Dash the day she’s finally accepted onto the team.”
The crowd that had at this point ceased their applause and had once again reacted only this time in a cliched chorus of “Awwwwwww.”
“You really does seem like you are very fond of Rainbow Dash.” Jon commented. as she played with the pen on his desk. “And I can see why; she’s done so much for you.”
“Yes, yes she has; she’s one of my best friends.” She responded.
“Would... I mean would you uh, go as far as to say that she’s your favorite out of all your friends?” He asked without a hint of sarcasm which lead the purple haired Unicorn to give him a look of shock.
“Jonathan Stewart, I can not believe you’d even ask such a question!” She uttered as she threw her snout in the air. “This isn’t like picking my favorite city or interview, what you’re asking is impossible. I mean I could maybe pick a favorite sewing machine, or a favorite spa treatment, maybe even a favorite restaurant BUT a favorite one of my friends... why it’s unthinkable. I mean... could you choose a favorite one of your children?”
“Well I would but... then the other would just get mad at me.” He said while pulling out collar to let out the imaginary steam. “So... not even gonna try to think of a favorite huh?”
“Not at all.” She answered. “Not even, as you humans apparently say, ‘bun to my head.’” Her refusal to budge on the issue was rewarded by those in attendance giving her a slight applause, as well as a few giggles from those who caught on her to her mispronunciation.
“It’s it’s called a ‘gun’... and you know I’m glad you brought that back up,” he said. “I’m just... you know I’m sitting here... and I absolutely... what really baffles me is that you live in a world where guns don’t exist... It’s like-- it, it, it just completely blows my mind.”
“Is it so odd a concept to comprehend?” She asked. “I’m not an expert on the subject, but if I had to take an educated guess I would say that we ponies of Equestria don’t possess the technology to create such devices ourselves. I’ve only ever seen them on television so enlighten me... are they quite prominent in your culture?”
Her question wasn’t answered firstly by Jon, but by the audience who laughed at her perfectly innocent inquiry.
“Rarity, in our world... we-- some people use guns the same way a high school student uses a comma.” He explained. “Way too much and in the wrong places; OH, NERD SLAM !”
To punctuate his own joke Jon pumped his fists while yelling the phrase "boom", leaving Rarity astonished on how he could make light of an apparently serious issue. Once the crowd ceased its own laughter the issue went right back to being serious with Jon continuing his explanation.
“But r-really we use-- and not only that, but uh... but even as we speak this issue is the focal point of so many debates from our leaders that our media is completely fixated on them, with some people wanting to... to, to get rid of them and others wanting them more easily accessible.” He explained. “In fact we-- they are so prominent in our culture that one of the earliest amendments of this nation was the right to own them. Our uh, military uses them, our, our, our police force uses them, normal citizens use them, and, unfortunately, our criminal underclass uses them as well.”
“Oh dear! Well I can certainly see why some such a topic would be highly debated.” Rarity commented. “Fortunately for us such dangerous tools do not exist where I come from, so while I can possibly see them being used for good, I’ll never have to worry about such a weapon falling into the wrong hooves.”
It would seem that the crowd was in agreement based on their light cheering that soon followed after.
“Well yes, but at the same time I’m sure Equestria isn’t completely absent of it’s fair share of dangerous instruments. I’m sure you guys have some weaponry that are just as, if not more, dangerous than a gun.” Jon commented as he made a gesture for her to reconsider. “Here’s what’s so interesting... I know for a fact that guards have spears and and there are some unicorn spells that are considered deadly... what about those?”
“You do have a point, but you see all of the things you’ve listed are items that have been heavily regulated. For example... the weapons that the royal guards own, such as spears, swords, bows are, from what I understand, only given to professional guards and not to civilians.” She explained, trying her best to recollect as much as possible about a subject that she only knew vaguely of. “Though there have been cases of them being issued to non-royal guards, but even then every step is taken to make sure it’s been given to a pony who won’t abuse it.”
“It’s interesting how in your world... the act of making dangerous artifacts hard to procure isn’t seen as... a-a-as limiting freedom, but instead a necessity for keeping the public safe.” He commented which in turn caused the crowd to cheer at the idea, some with more personal experience with said subject than others. “And what of magic... that seems like something much more ambiguous since a large group of the Equestrian populace are Unicorns; magic users.”
“Well yes, but it’s very much the same. You see as for dangerous magic spells... well again only trained and certified Unicorns are allowed to have them... they aren’t just given to anypony, that would be highly irresponsible.” Rarity advised. “Spellbooks are rare and often hard to obtain because they are circulated carefully or kept under advisement incase it’s not ready to go to the population. Twilight once told me that an old Unicorn trick for keeping lethal spells out of the hooves of ponies that could abuse them would be to make them as complicated and difficult to use as possible... thus making them worthless to an inexperienced user.”
“So just to summarize: your-- Equestria has no guns, has mandated some heavy regulations on weapons, and is ruled by a monarchy.” Jon listed, getting a nod in return on each point. “Alright then... I can safely say that Republicans would hate it in your world.”
In response to this obvious facetious assumption, Rarity threw her nose in the air as if idly dismissing the advances of an amorous soiter
“Well then... to them the only thing I would say in response is perhaps they should keep an open mind about other people’s cultures.” She stated for the world to see. “Especially if they know little about it.”
“Well said, but...but let me ask you this?” Jon said, having to pause mid-sentence because of the audience once again cheering at another one of Rarity’s pearls of wisdom. “Do you personally... uh, own any weapons like... like, like a spear or some destructive spells, just... really anything at all?”
“No I do not. Such things have no place in my household.” Rarity shook her head. “I wouldn’t even know how one would go about requesting the forms necessary to own any steel based weaponry like the ones the royal guards own. And as for any lethal spells... well I am a Unicorn, but unlike say Twilight Sparkle, I’m not what you would say a technical profession in the magic arts. I know a few basic spells and even those aren’t dangerous. I only use them for the day to day chores and with my line of work like gem-finding, dressmaking, and topiary art. Why do you ask, darling?”
“Uh, because well... let’s say for a second that I was someone who... uh, is a huge proponent of guns.” Jon had her consider. “I could argue that since you don’t have a gun, or really any other forms of weapons at your disposal, that you have no means to protect yourself like if a-- if someone breaks into your boutique to rob you.”
The initial response to this was Rarity leaning back in her seat and placing her hooves in a praying position against her face, as if she was thinking about the question. In actuality she was hiding her smile.
“I will say this darling... such scenario can happen... though highly unlikely.” She answered carefully. “You see, crime in Equestria is quite rare. Vile acts like theft, assault, and other such criminal actions are almost nonexistent in my world. It really is the kind of place where you can keep your front door unlocked at night.”
“Are you trying to make me jealous!?” Jon asked in a jokingly roaring tone. “I can’t believe such a perfect world exist... you know giants, monsters, gods of destruction, and shape shifting demons notwithstanding.”
“Now, now, now, Jonathan I wouldn’t say it’s perfect; crime is unlikely, I didn’t say it was impossible. The fact of the matter is that it does happen, but are usually too few and too far apart to ever be considered a major problem.” She continued. “And as such sometimes some ponies have their own methods for dealing with it... you asked what would happen if someone tried to rob me.”
“Yeah, because you don’t have any weapons or, no offense, advance skills in magic so how would you deal with a situation like someone trying to mug you.” He asked as Rarity smiled the same hidden smile from before. “Because I don’t think your cat can be relied to subdue intruders.”
“Well firstly, assuming the situation presents itself, I can always call upon the proper authorities to protect me. Secondly, if the situation is far beyond my control I can always run away or comply with said burglars demands... earthly bits are not worth one’s livelihood.” She explained as she grabbed her mug of water. “But if the situation presented itself where I personally needed to handle the situation with not but my own gumption... well let me assure you... I can handle myself.”
Before taking a sip of her water she shot Jon a wink and a smug look leaving him to wonder how serious she was being.
“I uh... I, I, I don’t understand what you mean exactly.” He admitted.
“It’s quite simple really; If I needed to... I could subdue this would-be assailant using various CQC techniques and hoof-to-hoof engagements.” She answered, leaving Jon with a confused look about him. “...What I’m saying isI know how to fight .”
Just as she expected would happen, Jon continued to sport his look of disbelief only now it was accompanied by an onslaught of laughter from both him and the audience.
“You!” Jon exclaimed with a smile. “You know how to fight... you
“Indeed I do; took lessons in karate.” She answered which only made Jon laugh more. “Growing up, father insisted.”
“You know Karate!?” Jon blurted out still as doubtful as ever.
“The idea of somepony so elegant and sophisticated as myself knowing martial arts does sound rather... preposterous I will admit.” She conceded. “And while I prefer not to get my hooves dirty, if I’m ever in a situation where a friend or member of my family is in danger and I’ve exhausted every possible option rest assured that I will leap into the fray and do what I can to protect those that are most important to me!”
Although she was being serious, Jon was still in the throes of laughter now at the thought of his guest calling “timeout” during a skirmish to fix her hair.
“Okay, calm down there Ralph Macchio, I believe ya.” He said in a tone that lead Rarity to believe that he actually didn’t. “So, like, do you... I mean, if you practice Karate, do you have your black belt yet?”
“I actually could have moved up to a black belt. My teacher said I had the potential.” She revealed. “But I turned the offer down.”
“Why?” Jon asked. “Was this some kind of not wanting to get too involved with the practice or some kind of act of humility thing?”
“No it’s because I wanted to stick to a purple belt.” She added. “Black is not my color.”
For a brief moment Jon was actually starting to believe the validity of her claims, but once again he was now laughing at her, this time having to get up from his seat and place his hand against the his desk for balance before sitting back down.
“You know... it’s... it’s statements like that that makes me suspect that you’re just... full of it.” Jon said causing Rarity to scrunch her nose in protest.
“Well I never!” She exclaimed in forced protest, though it didn’t last long. With a slight scooch of her chair she leaned in to address Jon up close. “Very well then... if you do not believe me then here... allow me to demonstrate.”
Dropping her elbow on the table she offered Jon her hoof as well as a confident smile.
“Grab my hoof.” She said.
“Excuse me?” He asked as he sat back down.
“You heard me, darling. I want you to grab my hoof ” She repeated. Tentatively he reached out and did as she said. “Good... now then when I give the word I want you to apply as much force against my arm in an attempt to send it to the desk.”
“Oh you mean arm wrestle!” Jon figured out. “You want to-- oh Rarity I couldn't, I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Don’t worry, you won't, darling.” She assured him. “I simply wish to demonstrate that I do possess the sufficient strength necessary to support my claims... so if you please.”
Being a gentleman Jon was ready to once again deny her request but the sound of the audience cheering him to go along with the stunt was quickly forcing him to reconsider. Like a man trapped in quicksand, the more he struggled the deeper he sank, with the crowd only increasing the volume of their cheers and applause if Jon look like he would break free from Rarity’s grip.
“Alright fine.” Jon complied as he placed his elbow in the assumed position and adjusted himself in his seat. “But remember that contract you signed before the show? If I hurt you, I can’t be held responsible.” With a nod from his guest, Jon grabbed her perfectly manicured hoof as gently as possible
“Alright aaaaaand... now!” Rarity said. The two parties were at a standstill with neither of them getting the upper hand, but only because neither of them tried to overpower the other. The crowd cheered with both of them refusing to make a move which only caused the audience to start chanting “Go, go, go” like it was an all night kegger.
“Come now Jonathan.” Rarity spoke. “It’s perfectly alright... I promise you I won’t get hurt.” Though he was skeptical since he had a good few feet on her and probably outweighed her three times over.
After it was clear that the crowd wasn’t going to stop their chanting Jon conceded and began to apply a tiny bit of pressure against Rarity, his plan being to quickly subdue her and get this over with.
When Jon began to push Rarity’s hoof towards the side she responded by apply an equal amount of pressure to remain stationary. In retaliation Jon upped the amount of force only to get the same results; soon he found no matter how he tried he couldn't get Rarity’s arm to budge even an inch. Sitting up for leverage or putting his other hand flat on the desk didn’t do much to help.
The chanting from the crowd got louder and louder till it eventually stopped, but only because it switched to cheering once Rarity, seemingly without much effort, slammed the back of Jon’s hand against the desk in victory. This portion of the interview alone would make it one of the most watched ones to date and, based on how Jon was rubbing his hand, he too would not soon forget it.
“Damn it!” Jon roared as he couldn't help but laugh at his own hubris. “Okay, I take everything back; you’re pretty tough there Rare.”
“I told you, I can handle myself.” She responded as she flipped her hair to the side. “One really shouldn't judge a book by its cover, darling.”
“Yeah, yeah, well if I was twenty years younger, things’d be different, I tell ya that.” He rubbed his palm and stretched his fingers. In truth Jon was right, a big part of why he lost was due to his advanced age. “I just... man, had no idea someone as... well as prissy as you could be so... so, so, so strong.”
“Excuse me Jonathan, but the life of a seamstress is a tough and stressful profession, I’ll have you know. It's is not all dainty dinner parties and silk pajamas.” She said, failing to mention that at the same time they were a big part of it. “Why I remember one season I was tasked in making an entire fall line up with the central theme being long skirts and ruffles... I managed to get halfway done when the new fad changed from ruffles to sarong. So I had to scrap the entire idea and start over, but then the pony who commissioned the idea had a hot tip that the new fashion trend that would be popular with all the mares would be ribbons. So I then had to incorporate fanciful ribbons into each design but then Hoity Toity announced that anyone caught dead wearing a long dress would be shunned from the fashion world so I had start all over, again, and work with a slightly shorter design... and that was only after the Victorian look made a come back.”
“Jesus.” Jon cringed. “That must have been one stressful year for you.”
“Year?” Rarity responded. “Darling please, that was just one week.” Jon slapped his still throbbing hand against his face and dragged it downwards as the crowd laughed.
“I never-- see this is exactly why I don’t like the fashion world. I just don’t understand how it works.” He said. “And it even makes less sense over, uh... over in Equestria I mean who-- how does clothes work over there anyway? Most of you guys just walk around... you know, naked anyways so--”
“Well it’s simple really... clothing in my world is separated by special occasions and for identification.” Rarity interrupted in an exciting tone; she loved to impart knowledge of fashion whenever possible. “You see... in Equestria ponies, usually, only wear the type of clothes I design for certain types of social gatherings. A trip to the theatre, the grand opening of a museum, a royal audience with the princess, or if I just came up with a new design and want to show it off, or if it’s tuesday, or I just found out that I gained a few pounds and want to hide it by looking fabulous.”
“Those last couple of reasons didn’t seem very ‘Special occasiony’” Jon commented.
“Well they are to me.” Rarity shot back. “Now where was I? Ah yes; the other reason why we wear clothing is if some type of ceremonial wear or uniform. Judges wear robes, construction workers wear their reflective gear, sports teams wear their uniforms and so on and so on.”
“Okay... but who makes the clothing for those ponies?” Jon asked.
“Oh, I do.” She said in a tone of voice so blunt it could be a roofing tile. He was so shocked by this sudden revelation he almost choked on the water he was currently in the process of trying to drink.
“Excuse me!” Jon said. “You make... all
“Well that might be a tad hyperbolic.” Rarity admitted. “I’m sure there are some ponies who import clothing that I don’t have the skills to make myself... but what I can tell you is that a large percentage of clothing worn by ponies in Ponyville come from me.”
Looking back on this interview Jon kicked himself for not asking if that also included the ponies who worked in the strip clubs.
“That must be... time consuming.” He said.
“A drawback for doing something I love yes, but it’s worth it, I assure you.” She commented.
“Has such responsibilities ever kept you from... oh I don’t know having fun or doing something just for yourself.” Jon asked.
“Occasionally. I remember the year princess Luna came to visit Ponyville for the first time since her return... she did so during the Ponyville Nightmare Night celebration.” Rarity remembered. “Unfortunately I--
“Wait, wait, wait ,wait... are you saying Princess Luna, one of the gods of your world showed up at a Halloween party in Ponyville?” Jon interrupted. “Son of a bitch, I can’t even get a single intern to come to our memorial day office party... I’m sorry continue.”
“Yes well as I was saying.” She stammered. “Unfortunately I couldn’t attend this social event because I was too busy making everyone's costumes... well worth it to know that everypony was looking frightfully fabulous.”
"Was that your first time doing-- I mean had you uh, had you made party costumes like those before?" Jon asked.
"Oh my yes, numerous times... as a matter of fact have you ever heard of a pony called 'Mare do well?'" She asked.
"Uh I don't-- can't say that I have." He answered. "Why? Should I?"
"I don't expect you to but you see... well to make a awfully long story short I an my friends created a this pony persona super hero called 'the mysterious Mare do well.'" She explained. "We each assumed her identify at one point to teach Rainbow Dash a lesson by saving the people of Ponyville and winning their hearts and minds... by doing so we showed young Rainbow Dash that she shouldn't be so boastful and--"
"Wait, wait, wait, wait... let me get this straight." Jon interrupted. "So... you and your friends... the Elements of Harmony had a problem with Rainbow Dash and rather than just... oh I don't know, talking to her about it you decide to create a super hero alter ego to out stage her to teach her a lesson in humility and complacency?"
"Yes that is correct." Rarity answered. Rubbing his hands across his face Jon took a long sigh before coming back up to look his guest in the eyes with a disbelieving look.
"Rarity... do you have a dictionary at your house?" Jon asked.
"I... suppose I do." Rarity answered.
"Good... after the show when you go back home I want you to look up what 'passive aggressive' means." He ordered. While the crowd once again laughed Rarity looked as if she was moments away from explaining herself, but she never go the chance since at the very moment the laughter had subsided Jon was quick to get back on track.
“So uh... getting... getting back to uh, to the topic of you making costumes for all the ponies during Nightmare night... that’s-- I must admit that is very impressive.” He commented. “You must have made a killing that day.
“Oh no I did it all for free.” She responded. “Usually I just give discounts to friends but since this was a special occasion I did it all without charge.”
“My how... generous of you.” Jon chuckled. “Uh who.... w-w-who would you say is your best customer? Like who do you find is always coming in and out of your shop the most?” This question made Rarity stop and think for a moment.
“Hmmm... weeeeell... my best customer is... I’ll be honest this is a difficult question to answer. A lot of my income comes from ponies from neighboring villages or far away towns who have heard of me. I import a lot of clothing so it’s difficult to know off hoof exactly who had paid for my services the most.” She explained while trying to recall what her biggest sale ever was. “If I had to guess I would say the most I’ve ever been paid for a single design would be when Sapphire Shores commissioned me to make a new stage outfit for her completely covered with gems.”
“Covered with gems?” Jon asked. “Isn’t that a bit... much?”
“Oh not at all. You see one of my unique abilities is I can use my horn to find diamonds and other precious stones underground.” She explained. “Which reminds me; as to your other question: ‘Who spends the most time in my shop’ that would be Spike.”
“Spike?” He asked. “I wouldn't have pegged him for a dedicated follower of fashion.”
“I wouldn't either, he never buys anything, he only ever comes by to talk to me or see how I’m doing. No idea why he’s so interested in my work when he doesn’t wear clothes, but I welcome him because who could say no to cute little Spikey Wikey’s face!” She said. “And sometimes, if I’m in a good mood, I’ll let him eat a ruby or two out of my chest of gems... those are his favorite.”
“Hmmmmm... giving away dresses for free and giving priceless iridescent jewelry to a dragon who eats them?” Jon voiced out loud. “You know... there's being generous and then there's being a sucker.”
“Hey! There is nothing wrong with lending a helping hoof to one’s friends.” Rarity said over the laughter of the crowd. “Yes, I give things away for free at times, but as well as trying to be a very important pony I’m also trying to be a very important friend.”
“Well you know what Rarity?” Jon asked as he reached out with his good hand to grab her hoof. “As far as I’m concerned you’re both. But listen we’re almost out of time so do-- would you mind if you uh... you know like stayed for an extra five minutes and we’ll throw the rest up on the web?”
“Why Jonathan I’m surprised you’d even have to ask.” She said as she shook his hand. “That would be simply devine!”
“Alright, maybe I’ll challenge you to a rematch.” He said as he turned to the cameras. “Rarity everyone! We’ll be right back.”
And with that both he and Rarity leaned in for another quick peck on the cheek with Rarity looking to the crowd to wave and Jon whispering something into her now attentive ear. The camera began to zoom away but was also in an angle to show off Rarity’s dress.
The sound the crowd cheering was so intense that the sound engineers in the back had to do some quick calibrations to account for their being so much noise. Otherwise the sound of the Daily Show logo swooshing its way onto the screen would've been hard to hear. Soon after it faded to black as another commercial took over before the ending credits.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
The fog on Jon Stewart’s glass faded away then reappeared in timed intervals with his breathing. Because of personal reasons (most of which were health related) Jon didn’t drink too much on his free time. Only on special occasions like award ceremonies, or getting together with family, the latter of which alcohol was a necessity, especially when dealing with the in-laws.
But on rare occasions when he was too stressed out from handling the day-to-day responsibilities of the Daily Show, Jon liked to come home and unwind with a glass of imported ale in one hand and the newspaper in the other. The last time this happened was the night before he was scheduled to interview President Obama, and before that was when he was trying to come up with the perfect penis joke for the show.
Today however Jon found himself sprawled on the living room couch with a tiny glass of scotch, pressed up against his lips while he breathed heavily into its content through his nose. In his other hand was his trusted cellphone which he idly fiddled with in between sips. He wasn’t playing any IOS game, browsing some news site, or even checking his twitter feed... what he was doing was trying to get ahold of his good friend and business partner, Celestia.
“Greetings, you have reached the private number of Princess Celestia. My deepest apologies to whomever is trying to reach me, I am sure that what you wish to discuss with me is of the utmost importance” A voice from Jon’s phone said. “Unfortunately I am currently unavailable and am unsure as to when I can get back to you. If you would be so kind as to leave your name, number, and when it would be the most convenient for you, I promise I will return your call in a timely manner.”
Jon had patience for a lot of things, but having to wait like this just to talk to Celestia was steadily making him angry. Make no mistake, he wasn’t some self centered prima donna who expected everyone to be at his beck and call at the slightest whim, least of all someone of royalty. But in his dealings with Celestia, never had he ever been neglected like this. Tonight was the first time he had ever heard this message, but he had tried calling her so many times that at this point he could recite her voice mail by memory.
The reason he so desperately wanted to talk to his friend wasn’t business related; the last thing on his mind was who to have on his show. The reason he wanted, no, the reason he needed to speak with her royal highness was because he wanted to check up on his good friend, The great and powerful Trixie, who was still being held at emergency room of Canterlot Castle.
Having both his phone and a glassware in each hand respectfully he had to fight off a powerful urge to throw one across the room in anger; before this could happen however he stopped to take a deep breath to try and calm himself down. What really got him hitting the bottle was the knowledge on Celestia’s part that Jon would always call, everyday, around this time asking if Trixie was okay. So for her to not pick up now only meant one thing... she was ignoring him.
“Urrrrgh.” Jon mumbled to himself angrily.
At this point Jon didn’t care about work, interviews, time slots, or ratings... all he wanted was to find out if his friend was alright. Taking a quick swig of his elixir, Jon once again pressed the call button on his phone... though doing so was practically the textbook definition of insanity.
“Greetings, you have reached the private number of Princess Celestia. My deepest apologies to whomever is trying to reach me, I am sure that what you wish to discuss with me is of the utmost importance...”
“Ruuagh!” Jon roared as he chucked his phone at the easy chair just opposite of him. He didn’t like this, he didn’t like this one bit. Celestia was hiding something from him, he just knew it. While there was a chance that she was just tied up at the moment, or perhaps she simply turned in for the day, there was this unshakable feeling that whatever was keeping her away had something to do with his Unicorn member of the family.
The more he thought about it the more worried he became, a feeling that was shared by other, more human, members of the Stewart household.
“Daddy? Are you mad?” A voice asked from behind the sofa. Even though he recognized the voice Jon still felt compelled to look over his shoulder to see who was addressing him. It was none other than his own daughter, Maggie. There she stood hand in hand with her brother Nathan as if they were getting ready to cross the street together. Turns out they had been spying on their father for quite some time now; something which would have been easier to detect had he not been drinking.
“Oh hey kids!” Jon fumbled as he quickly hid his glass of alcohol and adjusted himself in his seat so he'd be on his knees. “Shouldn’t you two be up stairs playing or something?”
The two small children didn’t answer. Instead they just looked up at their father with wide eyes and worried faces.
“Are you mad, Daddy? She repeated. With a deep sigh he returned to the sitting position he previously held.
“C’mere kids.” Jon said as he motioned for them to join him on the couch. In no time at all both kids were now sitting next to their dad. “Sometimes... sometimes when daddy has had a rough day he get’s a little upset about some things... but don’t worry because I’m not mad at you two, or mommy. I’m just... I’m just tired from work.”
Whether or not they believed him or saw through his attempt to make them less worried was open for debate. For a brief moment there was a silence followed by Nathan walking across the living room to retrieve Jon’s tossed phone like a faithful dog.
Jon watched as his son slowly he walked back to the sofa, hopped back in his previous spot, and placed the phone in between the two of them. While this was happening Maggie was busily hugging a pillow with both her arms and legs. When no one said anything Jon grabbed his phone, and in one swipe of his fingers was once again back at his home screen. In the time that he had thrown it a few contacts had tried to get in touch with him; none of them were Celestia.
“I miss Trixie.” Nathan said, in a tone that caused Jon to flinch as if he had just received a mean right hook.
“Me too.” Maggie added, delivering the left hook. “When will she be back, Daddy?”
Jon was now in an uncomfortable position that no parent enjoyed being in; having to tell their children that they didn’t have an answer to their question.
“I... I don’t know.” Jon said after a depressed sigh. “Your Aunt Trixie is... still sick.”
Ever since Queen Chrysalis’ attack on the Daily Show, Jon had been regularly protecting his kids from the harsh realities of life. He knew they were too young to comprehend fully what happened so by spoon feeding them the sugar coated version of what transpired he was, he hoped, doing the right thing.
To them there was no attack, or severe injuries to anyone they loved. As far as they knew Trixie had simply fallen ill and had to go back to Equestria because she needed proper care from medical professionals. And while this explanation was understandable at first, her absence from their world for so long was slowly making them skeptical.
“Is she feeling better?” Maggie asked, prompting Jon to look at his phone rather than into her sad eyes.
“I hope so.” Jon fiddled with his phone as he caught a reflection of himself in it’s shiny surface. It was at this point that he wished they would drop the subject, but he knew his kids. They were just getting started
“Can we go see her!?” Nathan begged with Maggie close behind in agreement.
Again Jon’s phone slipped through his fingers, only this time instead of throwing it across the room he lost the feeling in his hands causing it to fall to the ground. Even though he hadn’t seen Trixie in some time, the image of her strapped to a hospital bed with all manner of machines connected to her was still fresh in his mind; it was a god awful sight. He couldn’t stand seeing her like that; so he could only imagine what effects it would have on his kids.
“I uh... I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Jon grunted as he leaned forward to retrieve it his phone. “Right now the best thing for her is to get some rest... besides even if I wanted to, I couldn't.”
“Why?” Both kids asked in unison.
“Well... for some reason my good friend Celestia seems to be ignoring me.” Jon answered with a slightly annoyed tone.
To demonstrate he pressed a series of buttons which caused the silent room to be flooded with the noise of his phone struggling to make the connection between worlds. Jon was hoping to be proven wrong here; as the phone rang he gently held his son close to him and scratched the top of his head as he begged to a god he only sometimes believed in that Celestia would pick up.
Unfortunately having his kids present in the room wasn’t the lucky boost he was hoping for; after a few seconds had passed a familiar message found its way to the surface.
“Greetings, you have reached the private number of Princess Celestia. My deepest apologies to whomever is trying to reach me, I am sure that what you wish to discuss with me is of the utmost importance...”
“See what I mean?” A defeated Jon sighed as he placed his phone to the side. “And without her... I can’t even go to Equestria.”
Were it not for the presence of his two children Jon would have probably finished off his drink then retired to his bed for the night without a word to anyone. But as it so happens it was those very same children who inspired him to do something besides mope around feeling sorry for himself; unlike their father they weren’t so quick to give up it seems.
“But Daddy you’ve gone to the horsey world without Celestia before!” Maggie challenged.
“That’s right!” Her brother added, before grabbing Jon’s cell phone and placing it back in his hand. “Can’t you find another way to go there like last time!?”
Jon was moments away from once again disappointing his kids by revealing that their idea was flawed. Among other reasons, this idea wouldn’t work because the last time he snuck his way into Equestria he did so through Trixie, and even then doing so almost got him killed. However before he could say anything to that effect something occurred to him. Something both simple yet brilliantly devious.
While it’s true Trixie wasn’t present and Celestia wasn’t returning his calls there was something Jon had seriously overlooked... those two weren’t the only Unicorns he knew.
Episode 17: Rarity on the Daily Show
Here it is your moment of zen
While Rarity was being interviewed by Jon, the usual amount of ponies back in Equestria were glued to their television sets watching the interview episode unfold. With some more invested in her performance than others.
However there was one pony in particular that wasn’t watching the show, despite the fact that she never missed an episode. Today was different as this pony was busy working with some nurses and doctors at a local hospital break room, trying to ascertain what the symptoms of a patient meant in terms of a diagnosis.
Walls of medical books surrounded the desk of this pony as she tirelessly went through research log after research log, even after the show had ended. Eventually she found something that caught her eye; something which shocked and horrified her.
“Oh no.” She said as she turned to call out to some nearby ponies. “Doctor... would you please come here?”
“Yes your majesty?” A white haired pony said. “This about patient 8-12?”
“I’m afraid so... come, look at this.” She said showing the doctor a page from a book she’d been reading.”
“O-oh... oh dear.” The doctor said. “A-are you sure?”
“I am positive.” She said as she got up to approach a nearby guard on duty. “Guard, please send word for I am not to be disturbed for the next hour... I need to prep a patient.”
“Yes your majesty.” The guards on duty said before scampering away.
“What will you do, Princess?” The doctor asked.
“I... I need to make a phone call.” She said as he used her magic to send an outgoing call. The ringing was longer the usual but as always someone answered. “Hello Jon.... Yes, it’s me, Celestia... listen I think you need to come to the castle... it’s about Trixie.”
