Chapters Where Am I Going, From Here?
Prologue: Skype Calls and Magic
Where Am I Going, From Here?
“... Alright Zed, now just go down the ladders and then down the wheel elevator thing.” I spoke into my mic as I was murdering some mage faggot in the Archives, trying to get a friend of mine into Blighttown.
“OH SHIT! I fell.” Said friend called out, not seconds later. He really did seem to have this problem with ladders.
“How the hell do you keep falling? It’s not that fucking hard… you forgot to kill the flies again, didn’t you?” It was a bit sad it had gotten to the point where I could guess what had murderized him, but eh, that's Dark Souls for you.
“Uhm… Yeah.” He responded to my question, kinda pissed off that this was the fifth time he'd tried this.
“You should roll to intimidate gravity.” Came the voice of the third person in the Skype call, deciding to give us some random advice.
“Damnit Fluffy, that doesn’t work!” He didn't play Dark Souls, true, but even he know that you can't intimidate gravity, plus, there's no way to smoke dat herb in the game.
“You rolled a 1, in return gravity was furious about your rebuttal, and smacked you across the face, making you fall even faster.” He continued anyway, after the clattering of a die was heard, seems he was actually doing this.
“Suddenly, pineapples.” I decided to come in with, doing my best ASDF voice for it.
Suddenly, portals. Wait, what? I looked over to my side, where I had seen this bright flash of light to find… motherfucking rainbows, how do they work?
“So uh, I’m gonna have to go, see you guys at… time.” I said, almost certain my shock was carrying through my voice, can't really blame me though.
“What is it this time, Zealot?” Zed asked, like a normal person does when someone randomly says the have to leave.
“Damnit man, it’s not the time for hookers.” Fluffy also stated, like a non-normal person does when someone randomly says the have to leave.
“First of all, fuck you Fluffy, second of all, rainbow portals, twenty bucks it leads to Equestria.” I replied to both of them, because come on, where else would a fucking rainbow portal lead to?
“I’ll take that bet.” Came the voice of Zed, he always was one to take crazy ass bets
“I have a penny from WW2, that messes with your genetics.” Randomly came in Fluffy, again. I was kinda wondering how any of what he had just said made any sense, before remembering it was Fluffy.
“I’ll take that as well!” Zed said by way of reply, wonder what he would even do with a genetics-altering penny... I don't want to think about that, honestly.
“Uh huh, well, you two have fun. I’m gonna go grab some shit and then jump through the iffy as fuck magical portal that may or may not lead to death. Oh yeah, the call’s gonna drop.” Honestly, I wasn't too keen on jumping through suspicious portal leading to places, but eh, fuck it.
At that point I hit the hang up button in Skype and got up from my chair (Spinny chairs, the ULTIMATE chairs)
“Okay, so, going to Equestria… guess I better get some stuff.” I said to myself, looking down at the sound of Skype beeping I saw a message from Zed ‘Don’t forget your Zweihander.’ yeah, because I totally have one of those, asshole.
I walked over to my room on the other side of the house, pulled on some socks, boots, and pulled my coat off a shelf. A two hundred and fifteen dollar rifle frock coat, totally fucking worth it. As I pulled on the coat I thought to myself that I should really get a suit for wear with said coat, at the moment a Fender T-shirt and some jeans will have to do. le sigh . I grabbed my silver pocket watch from a dresser, it's chain trailing behind it, and as an afterthought, decided to bring along some white, silk dress gloves, classy as fuck and all that.
Walking back into my living room I grabbed my mp3 player and phone from their respective charges, along with a very nice, large, 12" Bowie knife and sheath off of my desk. What? I didn't expect any troubles in Equestria, but that was no reason to go there without any kind of defense, and what better defense than a Force Recon knife, eh?
“You know, I’m gonna NOT be an asshole to those I’m leaving behind.” I said, before walking next to the… fuck it, I’m calling it the rainbow portal, before walking next to the rainbow portal, taking a picture of it and myself, and then going through the process involved in making that picture my computer’s screensaver.
I also wrote a note: ‘So uh, magical portal to fuck knows where, see ya’ll in time, and tell my cousins that it worked and that they owe me money.’ That all done I took a breath, steeled my nerves, and jumped through the portal.
*****
[Back in the Skype call]
“Wait a second, how are we supposed to get our money?”
Author's Note
Sleep deprivation is the mother of invention, mothafuckas! So yeah, two days without sleep and it's ten at night, Skype calls are going on and I'm feeling random, so you guys get this! A self insert HiE, like ALL THE OTHERS IN THE WORLD!
View Online
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 1: Magical Bullshit and Sunbutt (With Guest Appearance by Moonbutt)
Where Am I Going, From Here?
So, jumping through that portal ended with me flying down what I would imagine an LSD trip would look like, I’m not even gonna try and describe that shit. There was one thing worth mentioning though, as I flew there were these open sort of… windows, I suppose.
Looking through them revealed… people. All of them on Skype. One of them stood out to me, a guy with a cat lying across his legs, looking at his computer screen revealed him to be in a Skype call with… Oh shit, that’s Fluffy! As I passed by him he turned his head to face me, his eyes going wide with shock.
“Brooooooooooo.” I said, floating past him and making the devil horns as I went by. The whole time that was happening he just kinda had this ‘Da fauq’ look on his face, it was fucking glorious. As I was almost past the window I saw him throw something that looked like a penny, which hit me in the leg before rebounding back into the window.
Next up was this guy in a Mt. Dew shirt, it was anyone’s guess as to who he was until I noticed the picture of Blue Spark’s OC on his PC monitor, as I passed by he looked away from the game of Borderlands 2 he was playing to look at me, at which point the funny happened.
He looked at me, turned away, looked back, did a fucking spit take, and then fell out of his chair yelling out a plethora of curses. As I went by I couldn't contain my laughter and I’m sure he heard me because the last thing I heard of him was ‘Fuck you.’
I could see the end of the portal coming up, at least I assume that the blank at the end of the tunnel was the exit, but before I went all the way I saw one final window.
Through this final portal I saw a guy laying across two chairs and messing about on a laptop, he was wearing a Minecraft Creeper shirt and based on the way things were going, and the fact that he was playing Dark Souls, I deduced him to be Zed.
As I passed by the window he, like the other two before him, turned to look at me. “HEY KID! WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!” I shouted from my floating position, instead of any kind of shock he just facepalmed and muttered ‘Oh God not again…” which was the last I heard of any of them before falling through the end of the portal.
[*****]
So, this is what Canterlot looks like, it's nice. I was on the ground, in a rather clean alley way, and as I tried to rectify this I found myself once more upon the ground. I looked down at myself, and saw a pony.
"Ah fuck." was my very eloquent response to this happenstance, before I pushed myself onto all four hooves.
Conveniently enough there was a mirror in this alley way that I was in, and looking into it revealed... my OC, neat. I was a unicorn, my coat was charcoal colored, my mane was a shadow grey with gunmetal stripes in it, it fell down past my face, went up in a chevron, and came down again all the way down my neck. My eyes were the same as they were when I was Human, a dark blue-grey color. Looking down at my 'cutie-mark' just to make sure I actually was my OC revealed what I was expecting, a fountain pen crossing a Bowie Knife over a Human skull, and a book behind it all, making the symbols seem to be an illustration on the cover.
It was then I realized something, my OC was a mare. I looked down between my legs before looking back at the mirror and saying, very simply.
"Whelp, I'm a chick." I also noticed my voice kinda sounded like Elena Siegman, the singer for the Nazi Zombie songs, which was pretty damn cool.
Now, you might think that I would freak out a bit more about the sudden R63 that happened to me, but really, I didn't care that much. My main concern at this point was food, and money. The good thing was, I still had all my stuff, or, at least my coat and I felt the familiar weight of my phone and mp3 player, as well as the bouncing of my knife hanging off of said coat.
"Well, looks like it's time to fuck some shit up." I said, more or less just to get used to my new voice, it really was cool.
I poked my head out of the alley way, looking around for the castle, upon finding it's position in the city I set out.
[*****]
I swear man, those guards were fucking shit, like, really. I had snuck past them, I had, do you know how much of an insult that is? Seriously. It didn't matter to me though, I was outside the throne room, which was for some reason lacking guards. I looked through the keyhole, wondering for a second why a throne room door had a keyhole, before seeing the inside of the room. Inside were, of course, the sisters princess, and the Elements! Oh, cool.
I was feeling a bit, devious, if you will. I had come here to fuck about, obviously, so I decided to make this my first strike. I backed up, turned around, and bucked open the doors. Spinning around as I saw them go flying, (seriously, the fuck?) I shouted as loudly as I could into the room at the shocked ponies and princesses
"DO YOU FAGGOTS EVEN PRAISE THE SUN!" My piece said I ran inside and nabbed the crown off Celestia's head, a good idea? Probably not, worth it? Oh fuck the hell yes.
I magicked (Yes it's a word) the crown onto my own head before speeding out the door, as I rounded the corner I heard Luna shout out 'Guards! Stop that mare!', now, then probably would have been a good time to stop, but I wasn't here to make good decisions, so I kept running.
Author's Note
Why am I doing this? Oh, right, it's fun.
View Online
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 2: I Really Fucking HATE Blueberries
Where Am I Going, From Here?
"FUCK ALL YA'LL BITCHES, I'M A NINJA!" I shouted back at the pack of guards chasing me through the palace corridors, I decided to try something, willing my horn to do magicky stuff, I formed a Halo esque energy shield around myself, laughing manically along the way, before jumping (Like a motherfucking boss, I might add) out of some random palace window.
"Did she just, jump?" Was the last I heard of those guards, whom were obviously so shocked they didn't even think of following my example out the window, ah well, they probably don't have the bossitude to make it look cool, anyway.
It was then I realized I had jumped out of one of the windows overlooking the city, and also that I was falling, fast. What did I do? Well, the sensible thing of course. I grabbed the ends of my coat like fucking Batman and used magics to glide myself down to the city streets. As I was doing this, I looked up at my head to see that, surprisingly, the crown was still affixed to my head, neat.
Oh, hey, the ground. Oh shit, the ground! Uh DEAD SPACE! Mage OP as fuck. I had used, once more, my crazy unicron powers to make it so my hooves where magnetic or some shit, and just snapped down to the ground without falling like a bitch, which was nice.
As I walked out of the alley I had landed in, I found myself surrounded by guards, smug looking guards. "Yo." Was all I said as I kept walking, although they did try and block me with their fucking spears, seriously man, wood breaks easily when you have fucking hooves.
"Halt! You are under arrest by order of Princess Celestia, for the theft of her crown!" Said this one guy, he actually looked pretty cool, had this nice blue-grey armor, lot better than the fucking gold shit the other guys had.
"Huh? Oh, you mean this crown? Yeah, alright, I'll go with ya I guess. I'm keeping this crown though, I got it fair and fucking square, bitches." I said, turning around the face all the other guys, just kinda looking at me like I was fucking crazy, well, who knows?
"Fair and squa- You stole that crown!" One random scrub said, pointing at said crown that rested upon my head, it's gold shining in the sunlight, it's amethyst reflecting gloriously in the beams.
"Yeah? Fair and fucking square. Dude, she's, like, a god or some shit, she obviously doesn't give too much of a fuck, otherwise she would have cast conflagration or somethin', and I wouldn't be here, fucking dumbass." I said as way of reply to the random scrub, seriously, it's not that hard to figure out.
The cool guy guard, who I just noticed had a badass pair of aviators, just sighed and shook his head before waving a hoof for us to start moving, which was alright, mostly 'cause that guy was cool.
[*****]
"Oi, Suzy!" I whispered to the guard I was currently behind, from my spot in my prison cell, seriously man, fucker jumped, like, ten feet or somethin'. "Ahhahahhahahaa, oh, fuck man. You guys are fuckin' scrubs, you know that?" I said to both of them, right in time for the Princess to walk in, the white one, by the way, as I was wiping the tears from my eyes. I fucking love it here, nobody expects the Nevermore Inquisition!
The princess walked over and sat down in front of my cell, on a very nice looking cushion, I might add, before addressing me. "Hello, I am Princess Celestia, as you obviously already know, and I'm here to question you as to why you stole my crown and barged in on a private meeting." Damn, she was good, kept a straight face and everything, was calm and collected an' shit, but I did see this slight smile trying to form and being repressed.
"Well, you see Sunbutt, I really fucking hate blueberries. I don't think you heard me right, I don't dislike blueberries, I really fucking hate them." Came my incredibly eloquent response, not that she got the joke at all, seriously man, the forums can get pretty fucked up sometimes.
"Alright? But what does that have to do with breaking down the throne room doors and stealing my crown? I will admit it was... amusing, but many things have to be rescheduled now because of that interruption." See, I knew she found it funny, now the real question is, what didn't blueberries have to do with any of that?
"Absolutely nothing! I just wanted to make my point on blueberries quite clear. Anyway, for starters, schedules or for faggots, and secondly, I took your crown because it was fun, oh, and because your guards are complete shit." I nodded my head then, like all those wise and old Chinese ninja masters do, or something like that.
At this point Celestia got this really stressed look on her face, don't really know why, but eh. "Well, we've never really had a need for guards, as you know, my little pony, which makes such a thing as what you did even more serious. Now, please, just promise to not do anything of this sort again and give me back my crown, and you'll be free to go with just a warning instead of an actual sentence." Was this a threat? Why, the nerve! I had gotten this crown through completely fair means, shock and awe were fair, right? And she deemed herself of high enough stature to just politely ask to take it from me! Why, in all my thirteen years I had never heard anything so preposterous!
"Now Princess, I can agree not to do this again, it was really just to mess with you lot, but I will not, repeat, will not give up my crown! This is completely fair game and I am sure that you have plenty more. Consider this my statue of Discord, you have your trophies, and this is one of mine." Near the middle of my... speech? Near the middle of my speech I had removed the crown from my head and was cradling it in my arms, legs, whatever!
Celestia got this really hard look on her face, took a deep breath, and politely asked the guards to leave the room. Looks like it's, wait for it, SHOWTIME!
Author's Note
I am a fucking asshole, no, really, I am. Anyway, I can't write characters that already exist, so if any of them are OOC, well, there you go.
View Online
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 3: I Got A Badge Motherfuckers! Just Try An Stop Me Now!
Where Am I Going, From Here?
“... so, you were this thing called a ‘Human’, you got here through this magical rainbow portal in your living room, turned into a pony, and you also used to be a stallion?” Celestia asked, snickering along the way, I just gave her a nod in confirmation. “Damn, that’s pretty cool actually.” She finished, nodding along with me and laughing.
“You know, it really kinda makes me sound pretty fucking insane saying all that out loud, why the fuck do you actually believe me anyway?” I asked her, from my position on the floor. Near the beginning of our conversation she had magicked me a cushion, and I had taken advantage of that by relaxing as best I could.
“Dude, I used to be a damn Earth Pony, me and Lulu fell down this hole out in the forest, and there was this cool tree, so we poked it with sticks. There was like, this huge flash of light, and then we both woke up later as alicorns, sounds pretty insane, doesn’t it? Also, I can’t really dispute that music player and the other thing you showed me, can I?” She said, also lying upon her own cushion, and eating some cake, where the fuck did she get it? Magic stuff doesn’t taste too good, so the fuck?
“Wow, that’s actually kinda cool… hey, why are you so laid back an shit? Aren’t you, like, the eternal goddess or something?” I was actually kinda curious, I mean, she had been cool enough as it was, but it was just weird for her to be like that.
“Dude, my job is like, the most boring thing ever. If it’s not paperwork than it’s meeting with these stuck up buckers that call themselves nobels, back when I was a filly, well… but yeah, my day is really boring, and your stunt livened it up. Speaking of which, I just thought of something, you want a job? While I work to make a portal to get you back home, of course.” She explained, still sprawled out on her cushion, still eating that damn piece of cake, not a care in the fucking world… I like this Celly.
“Hmm, well, that of course depends on what the job would be, I’m only really here to have fun, you know.” I replied, rolling onto my stomach, looking Celestia in the eyes, waiting for her response. All I got was a smile, for a time.
“Well, my life is boring, but there’s not much I can do about that, but, you can. I was thinking of, perhaps, creating ,by some new royal decree, a… department, if you will, you can name it whatever you like, but basically, your job would be to mess about and make my life a little less boring, sound good?” She asked me, a glint of, fuck if I know, let’s go with mischief, in her eye.
I just laid there for a moment, mulling it over, before giving the obvious answer to such a question, “Oh fuck the hell yes. I’ll make a name later, but yes! I will take that job! I need something so I don’t get arrested though,” I stopped then, taking a moment to consider what I would like my symbol to be, a badge perhaps? Yes, a badge, and a glorious one at that, “I’ve got it, a badge! A gold shield shaped badge, with a silver skull in the middle, and uh, your sun behind the skull, so they know I work for you, and maybe add some silver ribbons on the outside of the symbols, yeah! This is gonna be awesome.” I finished, waving my hooves about in excitement, it wasn’t every day a goddess asks you to fuck shit up, and for her amusement no less!
She looked at me with an inquisitive look on her face, an eyebrow raised, before she sent some power through her horn, and a badge exactly as I had imagined appeared floating down to me. “A bit ornate, but it does look nice, make sure to get a name sent to me, this does need to be official, but for now, oh, I don’t know. Just go out there and make things interesting I suppose, I’ll send out an order so the guards will make sure not to arrest you, but they have to see the badge for them to know it’s you. Oh, and one request, stir up life for the nobles, will you?” She said, setting the badge upon my head, behind the crown. I took it in my own magic and pinned it to my coat, right in the front, where the gold caught the gleam of a sun beam coming through the cell window.
“Oh this, this is going to be fun.” Was all I said, she gave me a small nod, allowed the guards back in, gave a little speech about how I was a Royal Agent now, and set me free.
[*****]
I was walking down the street when out the corner of my eye I saw a stallion creeping out of sight, I didn’t pay him any mind. I was still trying to come up with a name, maybe something in Latin? No, I didn’t know Latin. It couldn’t be too long, it had to fit on the badge, of course, but I wanted it to sound cool.
Then, it came to me “The Bureau of Fuck You, I do What I Want”, it would have to wrap around the whole thing to fit, but it would be well fucking worth it. The minute I got it in my mind, I walked off to the side and stopped. I pulled out this roll of parchment given to me by Celestia, she said to just write down whatever name I came up with and sign it with my name, and she would get it.
As I finished the last letter in my name the whole scroll burst into flame, a green kind, like Spike’s. As soon as the letter was fully succumbed to ash the remains where swept away by an non-existent wind, presumably to be taken to the princess. But a moment later, as I was still standing where I was, just observing the passing fuckbuckets- I MEAN NOBLES! Anyway, as I was watching the, urgh, nobles, I saw a flash come from my badge, floating it up to me revealed my chosen name written around the skull in glowing red-orange text, cool.
“Well, I’m official now, time to go mess with Luna!” I said out loud, a maniacal laugh following, before charging magic and willing myself to be in the palace once more, and disappearing in a thick fog.
[*****]
“Alright, now, make sure that bed stays glued up there, and the furniture. What? Yes, this is completely legal, trust me. Alright, good, good. Now, make sure that window is reversed, what? Oh, shit, um, cast some anti-gravity magic or something. Alright, cool. Well, good job boys, looks like everything is in order.” What, you may be wondering, was I ordering around a group of ponies for? Well, you see, as my first order of business I had decide to flip Luna’s room. What I meant by that was, well, you would have to see it for yourself, but basically the floor was the ceiling and vice versa, everything was flipped, it was awesome.
Now all there was left to do was wait, and then wait for her to find the note I left there, and then for her to try and kill me at which point I would use my awesome ninja skills to evade her and… oh fuck, I am so screwed. Oh well, no going back on it now! I proceeded to walk down to the dining room, as it was now dinner time, and see if I could get them to fix me something meat.
What? I may be a pony, but I was also my OC, who could eat meat. Also, if my teeth were anything to go by, that bit carried over. There was also the fact that real life ponies could eat meat, it was just generally understood that the MLP ones didn’t, so, eh. Hence I set out in my grand search for the dining room!
[*****]
I had been walking for hours, or maybe minutes, I don’t know, I’m not good with time. What I did know was that I was hungry, kinda pissed, and there was nobody around, so I did the sensible thing.
“WHERE THE FUCK IS THE GODDAMN DINING ROOM!?” Accompanied by my cry was the raising of my hooves to the heavens, and the cracking of some glass.
Of course, a minute after I did that some random pony opened a door and was all like ‘Dude, it’s right here’, and I just kinda gave him a flat look and went inside. Oh, and the princesses were there, Celestia was almost laughing and Luna was just kinda ‘Da fauq?’, so I gave out a chuckle before trying to convince a cook to give me a steak.
Oh yeah, convincing ponies to cook meat was pretty fucking hard, like, seriously. I had to slap a bitch just to convince them I wasn’t playing some sick joke, and even then they wouldn’t fucking cook me something. It ended up that I had to lock them out of the kitchen and cook some stir-fry chicken myself, which was bullshit, they should just do as they’re told.
Anyway, when I was finally done in the kitchen and was seated at the table with my delicious meal of chicken and rice, Celestia decided to strike up a conversation.
“So, what have you been spending all your time doing? Something productive with your new powers, I would hope.” It might have been hard to tell who she was talking to if I were across the table, but I was like right next to her so I just gave her a nod and an evil grin. At least, I think it was evil.
And so began the two hour long fucking dinner, because short snacks are unheard of in this fucking castle, seriously man. Oh, and they wouldn’t give me dessert because I locked the fuckers out of the kitchen, so I set something on fire as a distraction and grabbed some ice cream.
[*****]
I was walking through the halls, nearby Luna’s room, I noted, in my search for wherever the fuck my room was, seriously Sunbutt, your directions suuuuuuucked.
Anyway, I saw Luna walk up to her room, she was pretty tired and kinda annoyed looking, so I just gave her a wave and kept walking, but uh, then she gave out this really really loud yell and poked her head out the door. So, she looked at me and uh, well, she may be the night princess, but she has the wrath of the fucking sun. So, basically, she yelled at her guards to catch me, and I ran away like a fucking bitch, ahem, badass.
So, I decided not to jump out a window this time, and was just running through the halls and shit, I had some pretty good stamina ‘cause I was level 145, with like, 67 points in endurance, but anyway, I was running. So at one point I came across Celestia, and she was all like, ‘Oh, hey Nevermore, how are you?’ and so I couldn’t be rude, but I had to make it fast.
“Oh, hey Sunny, yeah, sorry I can’t quite chat, got blueberries on my tail, goodnight!” and then I ran past her, I faintly heard her saying ‘Blueberries?’ before the night guard ran around the corner after me, and then I heard her laughter.
I was getting bored of this chase, really, these guards suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked, so I decided to do some Spiderman shit and used my horn to make a grappling hook, which I used to swing onto a chandelier, and then onto one of those decorative ledges that are all around the halls. Then I slept there because the guards were still fucking looking for me, dicks.
[*****]
Author's Note
This has taken too long and I am the thirteen year old's equivalent of drunk! That's sleep deprivation, by the way, FUCK YOU'RE HOURS NEEDED OF REST, I HAVE VIDEO GAMES! I'm going to hell for this, I know it.
View Online
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Guest Chapter: Maniacal Monologue, MANA-NAH-NA-NA
Author's Note
So, a small disclaimer! This chapter is a guest chapter, obviously, and it was written by Ser Fluffzie, this chapter is more or less absent of comedy, focusing more on plot (No, not that kind), YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Link To Fluffzie: http://www.fimfiction.net/user/DougintheTrench
Guest Chapter: Maniacal Monologue, MANA-NAH-NA-NA
I, Princess Celestia, Prime ruler of Equestria, the Regent of The Sun was old. I would be first one to tell you such a fact if I could. But I couldn’t. I can never truly say what I really wanted, that I thought every single one of my ponies were morons. Of course I thought they were my ponies, they were my bothersome pets that kept me company in my old age and engulfed my life.
My pets came in three species my birds, my goats, and my dogs.
My flock, feathered, soaring, and fast as lighting, but when the flock faltered, they would become fickle and self-centered.
My drove, strong, inventive, and constantly working but when the drove scattered, they were simple and short-sighted.
And my pack, fiercely loyal and a magical gift but the pack divided was vain, ambitious and erratic.
And I was responsible for all of them.
Responsibility was the name of my prison, and ever since I had defeated me sister, I had made endless measures to keep it running smoothly. Alas, the warden wasn’t allowed to rest. The warden had to keep the peace, and make sure her clay-brained inmates would stay in line. Else chaos would reign, and I wouldn’t let that happen, not again.
But still, over the centuries, my routine has become… dull if a proper word could have been used. But such a simple word could not signify the feeling. Nor could another word be used, not without being even more of a gross understatement.
Day in, Night out. Sunrise up, Sunset down. Dawn right, Dusk left. An endless repetitive repetition that was on a constant repeat.
While my sun would move and set, my own setting never changed. My castle, my fortress, my prison. All of us following a routine, and it is orderly for what it’s worth.
My guard dogs kept their vigil, never faltering. Their gaze like brick and just as interesting.
The pigeons gliding above the clouds, molding nature. Their superiority confirmed through their flights of fancy, believing they.
The poodles with their fine fur and accessories but always misplacing the collar. Consistent whines of wants. Their presence of nescient narcissism, and never once remembering an ounce of their training.
The goats with aspirations to be poodles. Their fur marginally clean and matching their barking with a blaring bleet.
The birds and the dogs and goats all had their routine, all of various importance. All my pets thinking that it made me happy, what pet doesn’t want their pony happy? And I let them think that I am, I let them think I am their infallible and loving master, one that does everything she can to make the world a better place, and I do. I do my best to make sure my pets are happy, make sure they listen.
But I do not love my pets, and they are fools to think as much.
It would be humorous to the extent of their ignorance, if it wasn’t so sad that is. The animals think that I am the Creator of Life, their Goddess, their Mother, here to care for them whenever in need. If they think that I am Creator, why would they think I care? With all my experience I learned many things, like how conjured cake contains no calories, that was a simple lesson I valued that had immediate results, knowledge is power is another, but these things change. But one fact never changes.
The universe is indifferent, apathetic even and if you desire any semblance of order in your life, you must control it. And I have. I am crown ruler of Equestria, the biggest powerhouse nation the world. Through my leadership, the land has forgotten the notion of war and my pets have long been domesticated. I worked for that order, and I shall never relinquish that order willingly, but as like I mentioned earlier such peace has made things...dull.
As such, over the years I’ve made numerous projects or distraction. Giving a drove of goats an enormous plot of land near the most dangerous area in my country is just to name one. But out of all of my plans, adoption was always my favorite. Bringing one of my pets into my personal, to mold and make in my image. The younger, the more interesting. From little brittle Stonewall to larger than life Sunwell, all my ‘apprentices’ brought me years of entertainment. Even if my latest one was a disappointment.
She was easily my favorite. She was almost perfect for entertainment, she was younger than the rest, and infinitely more impressionable because of it. Insatiably curious from a simple show of my magic, almost impossibly socially awkward from just a few years of ‘isolated study,’ and unflinchingly loyal to me. She was the best dog I ever had, even with the flame-retardant beast following her around. One that I would still be playing with if it wasn’t for those damned Elements.
I will only admit it to myself, but when I discovered that my dearest pet was an Element, it hurt. But like the lose of all my other pets, I let the feeling fly through me. The promises I made to myself of a new pet always helped balance my emotions.
But now she was no longer my pet, but a business associate and as such, professionalism is necessary.
Like everything else when dealing with animals, it was easy to distract and distance her. All was needed was a new assignment to give her. Her begging to stay in that bumpkin village was the perfect opening, it’s close proximity making it perfect for when I required anything from the lot of them.
‘I, Princess Celestia, hereby decree that the unicorn Twilight Sparkle shall take on a new mission for Equestria. She must continue to study the magic of friendship. She must report to me her findings from her new home in Ponyville.’
Just a simple sentence and it was law. Learn ‘the magic of friendship’ and stay until otherwise told so. The reports came soon after like an infestation of ants. At first I thought they could have been interesting, before given a closer inspection. The ‘lessons of friendship’ were lessons they should have already known. ‘Sharing is Caring,’ ‘Don’t do more than you can handle,’ and I think one was just ‘I didn’t learn nothing!’ Yes, after awhile I stopped reading them in their entirety, I still had to read them of course, else I would miss the gems. Like when my little dog had an ‘accident.’ I knew it was a good idea to teach her the ‘Want it, Need it’ Spell. But even what little entertainment that had created had been abruptly ended.
Now my little dog pet is a pony, and a dreadfully boring one at that. Even now, I can't figure out how or more importantly why that happened. It was very...annoying , especially if that pony got the wrong ideas in her, like Luna. Though it did have it’s benefits. I now had another pony help take care of the animals for example, and seeing her squirm from the pressure, even if it was short-lived, had been fun.
Regardless, Twilight Sparkle’s accession had created a problem, one I hadn’t encountered in centuries. I had nothing to entertain me. No mischievous puppy to play with, no bothersome scrolls detailing the moronic day to day life of a sheltered dog, no nothing! I was almost considering letting that freak Discord out. Watching the Elements show him his place in life was a joy to see. I would never willingly free him of course, but still, the thoughts were there and I was growing ever more bored. At least, until she burst into my throne room.
The little dog was quite the spectacle. I had seen a few with the skill sneak past my guard dogs, I had seen even less who had as much natural, if incomprehensible crude talent in magic, and absolutely no pony had the gall to simply barge into my throne room unannounced before, let alone take off with my crown!
The dog had interrupted my affairs and had humiliated me almost as much as Discord had, and should have been punished accordingly, but I will admit the dog’s hijinks amused me.
So I had gone to her cell after her inevitable capture. She was a strange looking dog. Gray not a common color of my pets, neither in coat or mane. Her brand was also quite disturbing and seemed to be related to writing on the subject of wilderness survival, which had explained the physical prowess she displayed during her escapade. All of those were interesting in emphasizing how different she was from the rest of my pets and it was only when she started to talk did I realize what made this dog so different.
She was almost certainly and inconceivably insane . It had explained so much. The dog’s shouting of zealous demands to worship me, the theft of my crown, her reason for stealing the crown (a fierce animosity of blueberries ), her disjointed speech that seemed to add nonsensical words in the strangest of places, her favorite seeming to be the word ‘fuck,’ even now she was telling me an impossibly fantastic tale that was only giving further proof to her insanity.
But she was almost painfully entertaining, so much so that I had decided to keep her around. All I had to do was earn her trust, and send her off with my blessing. It was a simple matter, emulate some of her basic personality (laid back, and blunt ), act as if I believed her ramblings, give her a gift, and just add a small dose of the truth. I may just give the whole truth, it wasn’t as if it would change the dogs mind, anyway.
The dog had finished her story, and I gave the ‘appropriate’ response.
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 4: Blatant Foreshadowing Is Blatant
Where Am I Going, From Here?
“Urghhhh” This was my response to waking up, a bit more emphasis on the ‘Urgh’ please? Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I was pissed off, my neck had a crick, my back was sore, and my bed was hard as fuck. So, I moved a bit so I could crack my bones and hopefully feel better. Moving was a bad idea.
“OH SHIT!” Yeah, falling’ll wake you up like a motherfucker, and that’s what happened. I had forgotten that I was on a fucking ledge, and just rolled right off, great. So uh, carpet doesn’t feel too good if it’s put over marble, oh, and hitting it from about twenty feet didn’t help, either.
“Fuck this place, I’m fuckin’ done.” I growled out as I rose to my hooves, up until this point in time I had been a bit eccentric, now I was a tad bit pissed. I’m not a fun person when I’m pissed, you know.
I decided, in all of my wisdom, to go out on the town and prevent myself for stabbing anyone. That was a good plan, right? Not stabbing people? Well, maybe some people deserved it but… I’m gonna stop before I start thinking of the most painful way to kill someone, again.
[*****]
I was people watching, pony watching, eh same difference. Just kinda looking around and deciding what I was gonna do, I had nagged a biscuit and some cookies from a stall somewhere around the market I was in, and was currently enjoying said biscuit and cookies. It was then that I noticed him. A little colt, I can’t really tell their ages but he couldn’t be too old, eating an ice cream cone.
“Holy mother fuck.” That was all I said before I dashed from the scene, hurrying to prepare for what was about to happen.
[*****]
I was driving an ice cream truck. Now, you might be able to see a few things wrong with this, the most glaring one being that Equestria didn’t have cars, and certainly didn’t have trucks. Well, this is where magic and imagination comes in. The other problem, that you may or may not have guessed, was that I’m thirteen.
You see, I didn’t really know how to drive, I probably could, when I was Human at least, given my stature and the fact that cars weren’t too complicated. Thing is, driving as a pony is different, oh, and the truck wasn’t automatic. That being said, I think I was doing pretty well, only three statues, two walls, and four tables had been run over and or through.
Oh, did I forget to mention that I was also chucking random ice cream cones at ponies as I drove past? Some of them caught the cones, others did not. I was currently laughing like a madman, madmare? Whatever, I was currently laughing at the sight of some sorry fool who managed to catch the ice cream on his horn, the cone fitting perfectly over it and the ice cream running down his face as he just stared at me in shock.
At one point I drove past Celestia, she didn’t get special treatment though, although she did catch the ice cold treat that I chucked at her. What flavor, you may ask? Well, I was trusting the fandom with this one, so I gave her chocolate banana, why chocolate and banana instead of either? Because I’ve had that combo as a smoothie and it’s fucking glorious, seriously, go to Tropical Smoothie right now and order a Beach Bum smoothie without the strawberry, you can get one as part of their ‘half and a smoothie’ deal or whatever. Ah, I haven’t been to Tropical Smoothie in fuckin’ forever, can never convince my mom to go there.
I should also mention that I was, as all ice cream trucks should, playing a song along with my driving throughout the castle, what was it, you may ask? Why, just the best song that could be played at that moment, ever, of all time. No song better, I swear to you.
There is one slight problem with driving and throwing stuff at the same time, that being the ‘looking where you’re going’ part of ‘driving’. Why do I bring this up? Well, I may or may not have just driven out of one of the many stained glass windows that were littered throughout the castle. I also may or may not have been laughing like a crazy person as I fell, right before pulling a James Bond and turning the truck into a glider, floating (Read, falling) slowly (Read, like a rock), down to the city scape below, oh hey! There’s that market I was at!
[*****]
I had found myself to be in the very center of a street, a street which had no less than three schools on it. Now, being the responsible person that I am, I turned off the music and calmly drove away. Aw, who am I kidding? I turned that shit down a bit, got out the megaphone, and yelled for all I was worth to all the kids looking out the windows.
“COLTS AND FILLIES! FREE ICE CREAM!” That was all I said, that was all I needed to say. For once those words left my mouth I was beset upon by hordes and hordes of little yelling children, some of the adults were trying to get them back inside, but hey, ice cream.
Suffice it to say I ran out of ice cream by the time every kid had gotten a cone.
[*****]
The kitchen staff was extremely pissed at me. That may have had something to do with last night, oh, and that I took their whole supply of ice cream. Yeah, that might have something to do with it. I bring this up because I had finally found my way back to the palace and was rather hungry after my adventures in driving, and was currently trying to get the fucker in the palace cafeteria to give me a sandwich. Yeah, they really don’t like me.
Apparently we were loud enough in our arguing that some guards were called, and uh, when they saw me they automatically tried to arrest me. The fuckers.
“You! You are under arrest due to-” I cut him off there, it wasn’t just what he was saying, his voice was also really fucking annoying.
“Bitch, do you know who you’re talking to? You don’t? Well, that’s understandable I suppose, let me explain, I work for good ‘ol Celly now, got a badge and everything,” I showed off said badge, still clinging to my coat, to emphasize my point, “now, what this means for you lot, well, it’s pretty simple. I’m not under arrest, whenever you think you should arrest me, don’t, you’ll be wrong, trust me.”
I then proceeded to walk away with a sandwich, which had apparently been someone’s lunch, as all of the guards and the kitchen guy stood there looking at me with shock, hahahahahahaa, oh the looks on their faces, you had to have been there.
[*****]
That sandwich was actually pretty good, even though it was mostly grass and lettuce, I guess becoming a pony changed my taste in a food a tad. Anyway, I was once more bored, and decided to do something that would be amusing, for me atleast.
I was currently floating about on wings of fire, because fuck you they look cooler than those bullshit butterfly ones Rarity had, using my magic to paint, in big black twenty foot letters, along the front of the palace.
What, you may be wondering, was I painting there? Well, it was something I had seen in a fanfic a long time ago, something that definitely needed to happen. In those giant letters, written in dark paint across the pristine white of the palace, where two simple words.
“PRAISE SUNBUTT! ”
That’s all I wrote, that’s all I needed to write. For come the next day, for it was currently late afternoon, someone would point out this to Celestia, and if they didn’t she would surely hear from someone or read in the newspaper. It would liven her day up, quite a bit, wouldn’t you agree?
After I had finished my grand masterpiece I found my way back to the ground and began again to search for my fucking room, I wasn’t tired, but I wanted to know where the hell I was gonna sleep.
[*****]
Author's Note
This is the product of a three hour long drive from the town of Harrison burg back to where I live, why ice cream? Because that whole fucking trip I didn't get any, even though there were seven fucking shops! Seriously man, my parents suck sometimes. Anyway, I would just like to say that I'm normally not like this, like I am in the story, for obvious reasons. Let me just explain, in real life I am a quite person, I often look either bored or ready to stab someone, and when I do talk I don't say much and am relatively quite. However, when I am with people I enjoy having in my company, I turn into someone like you see in this story, eccentric, talkative, and extremely foul mouthed. In case you're wondering why I saw fit to include that bit, I have no fucking clue.
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 5: Hey Guys, Guess What!
Where Am I Going, From Here?
You know, I’m really gettin’ sick of all this fuckin’ walking, you know? I mean, this castle is pretty damn huge, and I have to walk around the whole goddamn thing to get anywhere, it’s really annoying.
So anyway, I was trying to find the cafeteria/kitchen/dining room, whatever. You may think I knew where it was, you'd be wrong. It was complete luck all the other times I found it, and I swear the kitchen staff had moved it just to fuck with me.
Eventually I just asked some poor fucker where it was, I say poor fucker because I was rather irritated at that point, and more or less slammed him into a wall and interrogated him. He told me what I want, and for that he got thrown out a window. he wa a pegasus, don’t worry about it.
[*****]
“Let me make myself very clear you fucking waste of space, if you do not give me something to eat that I will enjoy, I will rip off your dick and fuck you in the ass with it. Are we fucking clear!” Alright, perhaps I was being a bit mean, but that kitchen staff didn’t want to give me breakfast, and the morning is the one time you should not fuck with me, especially after I spent an hour trying to find the fucking kitchen.
Suffice it to say that the fucker behind the counter gave me a plate of pancakes and eggs, and was shivering in fear as I walked off to one of the many tables around the room. As I sat down I noticed that most everyone there was eating away from me, which I was fine with because the people there had either tried to arrest me, or were cunts. The pancakes were rather delicious, by the way.
[*****]
For the second time I this week I kicked open the doors to the throne room, this time it was the middle of some kind of court thing, day court, right? Eh whatever.
“Hey guys! Guess what!” I called out to Celestia and Luna as they sat upon their respective thrones. Celestia just looked at me with some agitation before asking what I was there for.
That was when I pulled the jar of dirt from behind me, holding it aloft in my magical grasp as I waved it around frantically.
“I’ve got a jar of dirt, I’ve got a jar of dirt, I’ve got a jar of dirt, and guess what’s inside it!” I called out, asking ever pony who was currently present if they would like a guess as to what was inside my wonderful and mystical jar of dirt.
“Is it not just dirt in the jar you carry?” Came a question from Luna, her head tilted to the side, she was more confused than agitated, as her sister was.
“Well, let’s find out!” I shouted, before throwing the jar to the ground with all the force I could, causing a large explosion of earthy grit. Before the cloud cleared I nabbed quite a few of the snacks that were on ponies plates, before diving out a window as the dirt cleared. Of course, this whole time ponies were screaming and shouting, some in fear, some in rage.
You know, really it was kinda mean to the cleaning staff, but hey, it’s kinda their job. Just like doing shit like this was my job, we all have our places. So anyway, I was falling out the window, I had chosen one over the city but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t land with a spalt if I didn’t do anything. So I did something, I once more used my coat to imitate the goddamn Batman, and floated gently down to the street below.
Upon getting my hooves on the ground I shook myself out, getting all the dirt and dust and whatnot that had coated me off, what, it was irritating and made me look like I had been digging ditches. Which I may or may not have done to get the dirt for that jar, but that’s beside the point.
[*****]
Dear Celestia was doing something that required a big production, and involved her walking in a parade to the castle, for whatever reason. Honestly, no one tells me fuck all, but I did have a plan.
As Celestia approached I decided to sing a bit, something I was gonna use in one of my stories before I got here, that is. So, using a bit of magic to change my voice, and to amplify it, I sang out as she walked near the front gates from my position on the battlements.
“Legenden den löd örnens död Den skållas i helvetets glöd
Konung kom fram Best eller man Best eller man
Gustavus Adolphus Libera et impera Acerbus et ingens Augusta per augusta
Gustavus Adolphus gå fram libera impera (Gustavus Adolphus Libera et impera) Acerbus et ingens gå fram libera impera (Acerbus et ingens Augusta per augusta) ”
Sure, it didn’t quite fit. But it was cool nonetheless, not like the ponies new Swedish anyway. Hell, I don’t know Swedish, that’s where the magic came in. Magic was also the reason there was guitar and drums and all that playing as I sang, as well as the reason the secondary lines even worked.
Suffice it to say, Celestia had been baptized in the song of badass at this point, and she even pulled it off since she kept walking even though every other pony was looking at me and kinda going ‘the fuck’ at that moment.
Of course, I didn’t stick around to see what else happened, I had shit to set up, seeing as it was only, like, two in the afternoon. Yeah, I had some plans alright. It would be quite the site, it might even blow some ponies off their hooves, if you know what I mean.
What, no I wasn’t planning to blow up anything. Nah, totally not gonna- YOU CAN’T PROVE ANYTHING!
[*****]
Author's Note
I got bored, this is what you get when I spend a day looking at the internet. I am planning to use that song in my main story, just wait for it, or maybe not. It's Swedish, but don't try running it through Google translate, instead, have a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw4bGBDKrPs
So, the person who showed me that band is probably gonna murder me for disrespecting Swedish history or something, and to her I have to say: Give me yer best shot! Ya yellow bellied pansy!
If I'm not here for the rest of ever it's because I was murdered by a mute Swedish girl.
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 7: Of Parties and Treason
Where Am I Going, From Here?
'Twas a nice night, I mean, I don't know much about the night, but it looked pretty fuckin' swell.
That didn't improve my mood much, though. Let me explain, I was carefully skirting around some ledges outside the fucking castle, in the cold night, trying to find a specific room that my informants had told me about.
My informants? Oh, yeah, after that whole ice cream thing most of the kids in the city had taken to being my spies. I don't question it, I just get random notices whenever a kid finds something cool, like tonight.
You see, I had gotten a message that a rather large group of ponies were gathering in one of the empty rooms of the palace. This wouldn't be odd except that it was fucking 11:20 at night, and that everyone who arrived was dressed as a fucking cultist.
So, I was doing the logical thing. I was being the Corvo that I totally am, and climbing around outside the castle, walking along ledges, trying to find the right fucking window.
Eventually, I found it. It was the only one with the lights on, and there were quite a few shadows inside. Opening up the window just a tid I peeked in, listening to the conversation. It appears they were a group of ponies who were still against Luna coming back, and that they were making plans to overthrow Luna by framing her for some political something or other. Apparently Equestria has this kind of stuff going on.
So, using my amazing magic I summoned up a few party hats, dark blue and purple with crescent moons on them, and turned on the record feature of my phone. All this done, I opened the window fully and jumped in.
"Hey everyone, what's up? I heard there was a party and though I'd drop in." While I said this they just looked at me like fools, as I used my magic to place a party hat on each of their heads. They didn't seem to mind. Little did they know that the hats had tracking and recording devices in them, oh magic I love you so.
"W-who are you!" Came an indignant cry from some stallion, guess he was the leader if the cool hat was anything to go by. And in case you're wondering, yes, he was now wearing a hat on top of a hat.
"Well, who I am doesn't matter, what does matter is that your party fucking sucks! We need some food, some music, c'mon guys, stop being so fucking fail!" As I talked I was going around the room, summoning up tables of food and some speakers to go with a stereo, trying to get some guy to sing karaoke. That didn't work, by the way.
"This is not a party! This is a private meeting about- well, that's none of your business!" There was the leader again, seriously that voice was annoying. It was kind of nasely while also being entitled sounding, like, fuckin' seriously.
"Oh? None of my business, huh? Well, I guess I'll just take all my plans for overthrowing the crown back home with me then." I stopped on a fucking dime, pulled a binder out of nowhere, and then turned to walk off acting like I had been insulted. And my parents said I'd never be a good actor!
"W-wait! Plans to overthrow the crown? Would any of those happen to include the night princess?" Wow, fell for it hook, line, and sinker. That's kinda sad, actually. But hey, whatever, I'd better be getting a promotion for this.
"Why yes, yes I do. About twelve of 'em, she is kind of a bitch you know. And why might you be interested Mr.-" I stopped and motioned for him to introduce himself, c'mon, do it bro!
"Oh, I'm Waning Moon, and the reason I'm interested is because those of us here are against Luna being in power, and we seek to find a way to force her down from, her position." He even gave a fucking nod! Oh my god, this guy is gonna be so fucked.
"Ah, so you want to get Luna out of the picture then? Well, I can completely understand that. Who might be the rest of you, if I might ask?" I kid you fucking not, every last one of 'em gave me a name, like, seriously.
"Well, that's all well and good then, here you go, I gotta get some stuff done." With that I set the binder down on a shelf, turned, and walked out the door. Now it was time to try and find someone to give this recording to...
Oh, and in case you're wondering, there were no plans inside the binder, just a picture of myself having a very stern look on my face and the caption 'You have fucked up now.' I thought it was a nice touch. But anyway, it's kinda surprising they don't have guards patrolling around here, maybe I've just played too much Dishonored, but shouldn't there be some people walking down these halls? Eh, whatever.
[*****]
I have been walking for three fucking hours , I just don't know how this fucking castle manages it! But anyway, I think I was finally getting close to the throne room, or something, because there was an increase in the number of flags and shit around the halls, although still not a single goddamn guard.
Lo and behold, there was the, recently repaired, throne room door! That being said, upon opening it I was met with an empty fucking room. Well, I was gonna have to talk to a princess sometime, might as well wait here. So, I walked over to the throne, made myself comfortable on the rather nice cushion, and tried my damnedest to fall asleep.
[*****]
The floor was cold, that was the first thing I was made aware of when I woke up. Opening my eyes I was met with the rather disapproving face of our Fair Lady Luna, oh, and she finally had some guards, yay.
"Oh, hey Lulu, how ya doin'?" I asked with a yawn, it was daylight out, so I must've been asleep for a while, although I don't know why the fuck she was up.
"I am fine, but I find myself wondering why you have taken my sister's throne, and why you are not under arrest." She replied, allowing me to stand up by backing up, still glaring at me, fuck man, her guards were lookin' uneasy, maybe tales of my pure badassitude had spread.
"Well, for the first one, I've been waiting for one of you lazy fuckers. As for the second, I'm a royal agent or some shit, apparently I get immunity to the law." Yeah, because any law system totally works that way, but fuck it, I ain't questionin' it.
"Hmph, my sister did say she had instated a new pony into our staff, I thought she meant a maid. But on to other matters; what, pray tell, were you waiting for?" Well, she dropped the glare, so that's cool, oh and her two batpony guards were just speechless and in shock, I guess because I of all fucking people got a job in the guard, I mean, I think I'm technically part of the guard, right?
"Well, you see, some of the nobility don't quite like you, Mooney, and so a few decided to get together and try to overthrown you," her unwillingness to believe me was easily readable on her face, "and because I know you wouldn't believe me, I recorded the conversation. You look over this, I'm goin' to bed." I took out a glowing turquoise crystal from a coat pocket, I'd transferred the recording from my phone to that thing, through supah l33t magix, mostly because I wasn't giving these fuckers my phone. With that done, I walked off still only half awake to try and find my room, fucking castle.
Author's Note
It's taken a while, and about half of this has been written right as I post this, at fucking 1:30 in the morning, goddamn man, I have appointments tomorrow, you know? I hope you guys appreciate this. For those of you who read my other story, yeah, I'm still working on it. It's mostly just planning out the chapter, but it'll come, I promise.
Anyway, stay classy Fimfic, and remember, you owe me twenty bucks! You know who you are.
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 8: I Promise It's Not Illegal
Chapter 8: I Promise It's Not Illegal
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Alright, so maybe doing what I was after exposing a plot to take down Luna wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but that wasn't gonna stop me.
In case you're wondering, and I know you are, I was placing myself as the Princess of the Night. Basically, this meant redecorating the throne rooming, stealing some of Luna's jewelry, and sitting up on that throne like I owned the fucking place. I actually looked pretty good, according to one of the stallions who was helping me switch out all the flags.
So, all was going well so far, although sitting on this throne all royal and stoic like was kinda uncomfortable, but I was doing it anyway. Yep, all was well... well, until Celly came in. That being said, she was just kinda standing there looking like she didn't know what the fuck was going on. To be fair, neither did I, really.
"Hello Princess, how are you on this fine day?" I asked, using my calmest and most princess-ely voice, I like to think it was pretty good. Sunbutt was still just standing there, bewildered as fuck, so that's a good sign.
"Nevermore... why are you in my throne... and dressed up as my sister?" Tia asked, a little bit annoyed and a little bit shocked... I think? Why are you asking me? I can't read fucking ponies! But anyway.
"Well you see, dearest Celestia, Luna has relinquished her place of rule to me, as an apology for some of her previous actions. Now, I couldn't just turn down such an offer, could I?" I gotta say, Celly must have a lot of practice, because keeping this calm and collected voice with this calm and collected pose was really kinda hard as fuck.
"I-but- I'm going to have to go talk to Luna about this, I'm not quite sure you're telling the truth." Sunny replied, this kinda unbelieving frown on her face, it was also kinda disapproving, but hey, fuck 'er. So, I just gave her a nod and she walked back out of the room, while all the ponies who were helping me hang up stuff came out of wherever they were hiding.
"Is what you said true Ms.- I mean, your Majesty? About Princess Luna giving you here place." That was the question from some other stallion, who was now next to me.
"Not in the slightest my friend, not in the slightest." I just had the best smile on my face as I lifted my hoof for a high five, although it was more like a fist bump, it was still cool. "But hey, totally worth it and all that, right?" When I said that everyone in the room got this look of shame and scared-ness, maybe the thought they'd be arrested?
"Oh and uh, guys, don't worry, I promise none of this is illegal, yep, completely within the law, no need to worry." When I said that they all let out a collective sigh and started smiling again, did I ever tell you how sad they look when they're scared? Like really, it's just pitiful.
"Now! Back to work everyone! I want those flags hung by two, and get that window fucking covered, the sun hurts my eyes. Go!" it always surprises me how cool these ponies are with being ordered around, I guess because I seemed to be a figure of power they wanted to make sure they were doing right? I dunno.
[*****]
It always amazes me how good the fruit here is, like, seriously man. I guess it's because I'm in a magical world of no pollution and stuff, but these blueberries were just absolutely amazing, like, seriously. Some were tart, and others were sweet, and the ration of tart to sweet was just perfect. And this is coming from someone who doesn't often eat fruit!
Ah, but you know, it's just nice to take a break after hours and hours of idiots coming up to you and asking for you to solve problems for them or something, such is the life of a princess, even though I ain't one. Oh, yeah, nobody came in after Sunbutt left to accuse me of being a fraud, so, I was just kinda doing my job, I guess. It wasn't that hard, pretty much everything that someone came up to me with could be solved in about five minutes. Oh, and thankfully there was not one sighting of Blueblood! That's always a plus.
But yeah, I was just taking a small break, having a snack, letting my fake guards rest a bit, that armor did looks hot, and just generally relaxing. Well, I was. So, about the time I was moving on to a turkey sandwich I had made, because the kitchen staff still wanted me dead, the doors got busted open. I kinda feel insulted, that's my shtick, dammit.
"You are under arrest for impersonation of the crown! Come peacefully and we will not use force!" That was what one of these guards ponies shouted out across the room to me, he looked all fuckin' ready to 'take me down' and shit, it was just kinda hilarious.
So, what'd I do? I summoned up a pair of aviators, put 'em on, and then looked over the tops of them at the guy, he fucking shivered from the glare I was givin' him.
"How many times have I told you guys? You." I got up from the throne and started walking towards him, "Arrest." I said, my hoofsteps causing cracks to appear in the marble, "Me." I finished with a whisper, right in the guard's ear as I lifted him up from the ground, staring him right in the eyes. I kid you not, the guy was fuckin' crying.
So, I chucked the guy back at his friends, not hard or anything, and just stood there glaring. "Am I understood?" I looked back and forth between the four guys there, not giving them a moment to answer. "Good, now, get the fuck out." I growled, turning to walk back to my throne, upon which there was a very nice cushion that I intended to return to.
Before someone decided it was a good idea to chuck a shield at the back of my head. No, seriously, someone fucking did it. So, I turned back around, the best predator smile I could manage on my face as I looked around for who threw it. Ah, of course, the shieldless rookie was the suspect. I settled my gaze on him as my smile grew wider. "Now you fucked up."
[****]
Now, I won't describe in detail what happened, but basically, I charged the fucker, beat the living shit out of him, and the hung him up on the wall. Sure the palace staff was gonna have to scrub blood off marble, but it was totally fucking worth it. Did I mention that wall was right above my throne? No? Well, it was. Oh, did I also mention there was blood dripping down the wall and everyone in the room was kinda terrified as I just sat on my cushion, my hooves stained with blood? Yeah, that was a thing. Ah, good 'ol violence. Not ultra-violence, no, not yet.
Now, maybe I over reacted, maybe, but the fucker threw a shield at me. Anyway, not like he was gonna die of blood loss or anything, I made sure of that with my point an' click magic, oh hey, that rhymes! But annnnnnway, for some reason people didn't really wanna ask me to solve their problems anymore, wonder why? Oh well, gave me more time to eat this sandwich, still hadn't gotten to it due to those guys busting down my door.
Oh for fuck's sake. So, my door was busted down again. Goddammit, this is a throne room, you're supposed to be polite and knock! So, it was another group of guards, this time some of Sunbutt's, god, why do people always have to fuck with me when I'm trying to eat? You know what, no, fuck it.
"You are under arrest for-" I chucked a pillow at him. When he looked back at me and began to talk again I put up my hoof, grabbed my sandwich, and began eating it as slowly and angrily as I could, glaring at the guy as I did so. On the plus side, turkey and mustard was still delicious.
Once I was done I saw he was trying to talk again, this time I just held his jaw closed with my magic. "Now. If you say I am under arrest one more fucking time , I will throw you out of this goddamn window," I said, pointing a hoof over at the huge stained glass panes to my right, "are we clear? Because if we aren't, one of you, actually most of you, are going to have a few broken bones." Yeah, now they were scared, although maybe the bloodied body of the batpony behind me had something to do with it.
"I said, ARE WE FUCKING CLEAR!?" Apparently being a princess gave one access to the Royal Canterlot Voice, which was kinda sweet. Oh yeah, it also sent the fuckers back against the door, terror evident in their eyes. So, they just teared up, nodded their heads, and fucking ran.
Now, usually I'm a nice person, but maybe answering lots of stupid questions had pissed me off a bit more then I'd let on, also, I was sick and fucking tired of these guys trying to arrest me! Had I nod made it fucking clear enough that they couldn't do that shit? Fuck it, one of these days I'll make a public announcement. One of these days.
Author's Note
I don't know what I'm doing at all! I had an idea, and then I went off that, and then the violence came later. I don't know, it kinda advances things, a little bit. Also, what're you gonna do when someone throws a shield at the back of your head? I mean, really, fucker was asking for it. But annnnnnyway, hope you find this amusing, and before you ask, yes the next chapter will involve angry Lulu.
Stay crazy, you fuckers ~ Your friendly neighborhood magic pony princess, The Zealot
View Online
Where Am I Going, From Here?
Chapter 6: A Very Regular and Ordinary Chapter
Chapter 6: A Very Regular and Ordinary Chapter
Today I decided to do something different. I would cook for the Princesses, and the Elements of Harmony, since they had come to the palace. Now, as you might have guessed, getting into the kitchen was no easy matter. It's a very good thing I found out how to make explosives from magic.
Now what, you may be wondering, was I planning to make for the lot of those ponies. Well, it was quite simple, really. It would be something completely regular, and ordinary. What? No, nothing bad is gonna happen, nothing at all- YOU CAN PROVE NOTHING!
So annnnyway, I had pulled two friends of mine through the inter-dimensional rift that may or may not have been created by sheer force of will and some goat’s blood, since I needed some ‘assistants’.
My two lovely aids were two men, somehow still human, I guess they didn’t take the LSD express, named Yasahiro and Onimot. We we’re currently looking around the kitchen trying to find where the staff put the fucking potatoes.
“I still don’t know how I got here, why you’re a pony, or why I agreed to help you with this.” Came the Russian-ish voice of my friend Onimot, who was still questioning things after being pulled into Equestria via very unstable magics, can never satisfy this guy, I swear.
“I told you, I magicked you and Yasa here through magick-ey stuff, and you’re helping me because who else is gonna send you home? Now stop whining and find me some ketchup.” Was my amazingly kind and not at all threatening response to my dear Slovakian friend, and there was totally not a glare accompanying it, at all.
“Here’s your ketchup, ya dick.” Was the second response from my assistants, this time from Yasa, and accompanied by a bottle of ketchup being chucked at my face. Thankfully, I had magix.
“Fantastic. So, we have everything ready now, yes? Good. Let the games, begin.” I may or may not have been rubbing my hooves together in the best evil villian way I could. It was time to make, THE FALUKORV! ‘Twould be completely regular, and ordinary.
[*****]
My assistants and I were preparing everything on a rather nice wooden table, set up in easy viewing range of the dining table, I was washing my hooves in a nearby sink as the two current humans set everything up and entertained the ponies just by being them, would also explain all the declarations of shock.
It was just about time, for my friend Yasa had explained what was being cooked, and I had walked out to the table with a sausage around my head. Things were going well.
There was a single covered cooking pot on the table, just sitting there, waiting to be opened. So I did, “Potatis!” I called out, pulling a bag of fresh potatoes from the pot, before replacing the lid.
“Ost!” I called once more, this time pulling a slice of cheese from the covered pot, to the apparent shock of the ponies. Geez, in a land of magic no one has ever seen someone do this shit? So sad.
“Finhackad gurka!” I yelled at the ponies, removing a bottle of chopped cucumber from the cooking pot, replacing the lid once more as I saw Twilight, Luna, and Rarity trying to study the pot, to find it’s magical components, I guess.
“Smör!” I yelled, pulling butter from the pot and slamming it against the table, allowing it to join the other culinary ingredients. I swear, these ponies were just getting more and more bewildered. Either at how I was getting the foodstuff or the language, either or, I guess.
“Senap” I said, calmly placing a thing of mustard on top of the cucumber jar, before replacing the lid to the pot once more.
“Ketchup!” I shouted, pulling out a bottle of ketchup that could not have logically fitted in the pot, and placing it beside the potatoes.
“Mjölk!” I shouted, pulling out a carton of milk and slamming it down onto the table, apparently milk cartons startle ponies, at least, that’s what I guessed from the shocked murmurs.
“Och Falukrov!” I finally finished pulling things from the pot, ending with a large wrapped sausage, before letting out an ear piercing scream, throwing the sausage back in the pot, and then sweeping all the ingredients to the floor. To the shock of the ponies, I might add.
Suddenly, there was a pile of potatoes on the table, and all of the things were gone from the floor, “Skala potatisen!” I shouted to all those watching from the dining table, before beginning to slowly peel the potatoes with a potato peeler, this might take a while.
I threw the peeler and potato behind me, hitting one of the kitchen guys who had wandered back in, before shouting once more, “Med dig!” Ah, I kid, I motioned for Yasa to help me with something. “Come, help me peel these, with Onii’s body!”
Apparently Yasa was cool with this, because the next thing anyone knew we were dragging Onimot’s shirtless body across a pile of potatoes, don’t ask me, I don’t know. “Wait, what!” was the last thing Onimot said before he was used as a giant potato peeler, screaming along the way, I might add.
That done, Yasa and I chucked Onii out of the scene, before I did the same to Yasa. After which I pulled a sausage, and a battle axe from thin air, much to the shock of the ponies. What, never seen an axe before?
“Förbereda korv!” I shouted, before slamming the sausage unto the table so that it might be prepared. Breaking off one end in the process.
“What is wrong with these ponies?” Comes a whispered question from one of my cohorts, one that even I cannot answer. Seriously, they seem normal... for ponies, and then go and do shit like being shocked at a magic show, I mean really.
With the sausage now upon the table I attempted to cut it with mine axe, before realizing that it must be unwrapped from it’s wax coating, much like cheese. That done, I took a bite off one end, just to taste it, before showing my approval with another scream. For that is the only way to truly show something is worth eating.
That done, I held my axe over the now bare sausage, “Skär små insicions i korv,” I instructed, this was supposed to be educational, after all, before using said axe to very carefully take small cuts out of the sausage.
“Where did you learn Swedish?” Asked Onii, startled, I smack him and he returned to the floor. Hooves hurt, apparently.
“Careful, not too deep.” I say, returning my attention to the beautiful looking sausage. All the cuts made I looked up from my task, “Ja, tiger korv.”
I backed away from my finely cut sausage, grabbing a cooking pan from somewhere, and slamming it to the table. Placing the sausage very carefully in the pan, careful so as not to break it. As soon as I was done, the sausage and pan disappeared, replaced by the block of cheese from earlier, and a grater.
“Riv osten!” I instructed, before running the cheese over the surface of the grater, struggling to get it to work, “ARGHHHHHHHHH!” I shouted, before the grater and cheese vanished, being replaced by the sausage pan, a plate of grated cheese, the jar of cucumber, mustard, and the bottle of ketchup. Much shock was had.
“Lägg några läckra ingredienser på korv.” I said, using my hooves to open the jar of cucumber, and then spread it over and into the sausage. Following the cucumber was the mustard, which was treated the same way, spread over and into the sausage, what do you think the incisions were for? It was growing more and more delicious by the second.
“Och ketchup! Öppna flaskan, försiktigt.” I instructed to Yasa, who now held a smaller axe, before placing the bottle on the table. He swung with the axe, and he missed with the axe. I grabbed the bottle with my magic, placing it back on the table, “second try.” This time he hit the bottle, causing tomato-ey goodness to spray everywhere, apparently almost causing Rarity to faint as the white of the kitchen was stained red. What, didn’t your sister burn juice at one point?
“These ponies can’t handle anything.” I heard Onimot mutter from his place on the floor. Indeed Onii, indeed.
“Fucking casuls,” comes Yasa’s reply, licking the ketchup covered axe as he stands off to the side.
“There we go.” I say, holding the bottle of ketchup over the sausage and using the axe made opening to spill ketchup goodness over the sausage, before smearing it in with my hoof. I’m gonna taste delicious when this is all over.
“Add some cheese.” I instruct, using my still condiment covered hooves to pick up large portions of the grated cheese, and shower the sausage with it.
“OVEN!” I yell, grabbing the pan in my hoof and going over to the oven, opening it up and throwing the pan inside. That done, I went and grabbed the pot from the beginning of the show, now filled with water and peeled potatoes, placing it on the stove.
Turning to the ponies once more I grab a tube from seemingly nowhere, uncapping it and placing the tip in my mouth, “Have some pre-dinner mayonnaise!” As I say this, jars of mayo along with spoons float out to land in front of everyone seated, swallowing what I had eaten I said to them, “it’s good for you!”
As I walked over to the stove, I notice Onimot standing from the floor, tasting the mayo, and giving Yasa a thumbs up. At which point my Polish friend covers one part of his axe in the creamy goodness, and starts licking it off. Because you can't just eat mayonnaise like normal people. Wait, did I just try and call them normal? Oh dear, I'm slipping.
Giving my two assistants a nod, I grab the potatoes from the stove, and move over to the sink so as to drain the water from the boiled potatoes. This accomplished, I slam the pot of delicious smelling potatoes onto the center table, pulling a pack of butter from seemingly nowhere, “Tillsätt lite smör.” I say, before using some kind of funky hoof magic to squeeze the butter from the pack and into the pot of potatoes, mmm, everything is better with butter.
The delicious butter added, it was time to mash the potatoes WITH A PUNCH! Quite a few, actually. I stopped when they were about halfway mashed, allowing the carton of milk from earlier to appear, “Add some milk.” I instruct, pouring the drink of gods from the carton and into the pot, sadly, half of the milk escaped to the floor.
The milk assimilated into the pot, I returned to my job of mashing the potatoes, it was time for: Potato Mashing: The Sequel! Once they were vigorously mashed, so finely that it was almost as if they had never been whole, I moved over to the oven. Pulling the now cooked sausage from the oven, I turned back to find the table gone, and instead that everything that had been prepared was now on the dining table. Much to the shock of the ponies.
As I marched over to the table, my head held high, I set down the finely cooked meal, and began serving the ponies. The one time they should have been shocked, when I served out far more food than had been cooked, was the only time they were cool with it. I fucking swear.
As I set down my plate, just before joining it and engaging in joyous food I say my final words, “Dinner is served, bitches.” Taking my place at the table, my two still human friends join me, causing the ponies to stare, both at them and at me from what I had said. But none of us minded, for we were enjoying delicious Swedish Style Sausage.
“Next time, we’ll have an applause.” Says Yasa, before he, Onii, and I simultaneously clap, the sound somehow amplified across the whole room, as everyone begins to enjoy the amazing meal.
As we all finished our meal, I noticed that Yasa was pointing at Onii for some reason, then it dawned on me, Mr. Fox! Right as I realized this, a knife was thrown at Onii, hitting him the the chest and making him fall to the floor, but no one really cared. The ponies were too caught up in the meal.
This has been. REGULAR! ORDINARY! EQUESTRIAN MEAL TIME!
The chapter was written, bitches.
"Help...." Onii calls from the floor.
Author's Note
I was in a skype call, we were watching Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time. This is the result. The episode is Filthy Falukorv, and I'll let you get the dialoug from there, so here's a link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM9H2v4gqkI