Chapters It is the year 2018, and the members of GWAR have smoked all the krak on the pitiful planet Earth. After a brief withdrawal, and much pondering on why they returned to this rock in the first place, they decided it was time to once and for all destroy Earth. They were going to do a kick ass world destruction tour, and this time, they weren’t going to just slaughter the bohabs that went to their shows like usual along with a few random innocent people they run into on the street to feed Balsac the Jaws of Death. They were going to annihilate the whole city they play at and the entire surrounding area. They were going to unleash Gor Gor the dinosaur on anyone who fleas and the Penguins were going to rip apart anyone Gor Gor doesn’t eat with their huge mutant beaks.
To further ensure that the world would be uninhabitable and no one would even know that there was once life there, the World Maggot was going to devour almost everything and make the carcass of Earth its nest. The remainder would be a battleground for the endless battles to come between Gor Gor an the Penguins. It all went down flawlessly and it was time for GWAR to get in the Scumship and leave.
***
GWAR were cruising the universe looking for Metal Metal Land because they killed all the strippers on Earth and desperately needed to find a strip joint before one of Blothar’s penises got angry. While the rest of the band was busy thinking of new material to hypnotize slaves into buying their merchandise with, Pustulus Maximus was snorting coke off the steering wheel of the Scumship. They trusted him to drive there, but he had no clue how to get to Metal Metal Land because he had never been there before; but he didn’t want to look like a poser in front of the other members of the band, so he was just going to snort some space coke, wander aimlessly, and hope for the best. While wandering aimlessly, and doing kick ass space drugs, it is always best to do so on hyper drive.
Entire planets were disintegrated by the flames from the engines of the Scumship, however, the only thing worrying Pustulus’ mind was if his buzz was going to wear off. He looked in the rear view mirror of the Scumship and realized one of the planets was being destroyed in the pussiest of ways possible. It just kind of crumbled in on itself. No big ass explosion or surface melting; he couldn’t even hear its inhabitants scream in agony. This sent him into a cocaine rage.
He ripped off the steering wheel and sent the Scumship into hyper hyper drive, and then kind of blacked out while pressing every button his blurry vision would allow. The other band members finally took notice and came out to see what was going on.
“Hey, this isn’t the way to Metal Metal Land!” said Jizmak Da Gusha.
“Of course it isn’t. How could we have been so foolish? The only way to get to Metal Metal Land is by stolen car!” replied Beefcake the Mighty.
“Then where are we going?” asked Balsac the Jaws of Death.
“Guess we’ll just have to find out, because I can’t get the controls to work at all,” said Blothar.
The all went back to what they were doing before like it was no big deal, ignoring Pustulus’ unresponsive, potentially overdosing body. The fuel that was powering the Scumship, (at its core were the souls of bohabs, GWAR uses every part of the bobhab) finally ran out, but just in time for them to be caught in the atmosphere of an unknown planet on an unmarked galaxy.
“Hey yawl, what we gonna do today? Nopony I can think of needs a hoof with anything cutie mark related,” said Apple Bloom to her friends Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
“I don’t know,” said Sweetie Belle. “I really want to write more songs, but I can’t think of anything right now. The clubhouse is always a good place to think.” They were making their way towards the clubhouse, when they all noticed a huge and flaming object falling from the sky. In the blink of an eye, a huge explosion was heard and seen in the direction of the clubhouse. Wind and heat blew on the cutie mark crusader’s faces while they stood awestruck as to what it was.
“We gotta go check this out,” said Scootaloo, excited of the potential adventure. They all trotted towards the smoke clearing out.
To their horror, the entire clubhouse was destroyed. Some futuristic, large, grey, metallic monstrosity lay in ruins over the carcass of their beloved clubhouse. As the smoke cleared, giant monsters emerged from the smoke, but the ponies would not flee in fear. They were all bipedal creatures, the largest had spikes on its shoulders and its head was just a giant, metal, serrated jaw like feature with horns coming out. Another creature covered in metal armor, donning a spiked Mohawk helmet, and wearing face paint emerged from the ruins and approached them. It made no difference if the ponies would or would not flee in terror, for the fear had frozen them solid.
“Our bad. Sorry about that. We owe you guys one,” it said, and then started walking away.
“Beefcake, they’re tiny ponies. I don’t think they can understand you,” said another monster; this one blue with ferocious claws and wearing the skeleton and skull of some kind of reptilian wolf on its hideous body.
“W-w-we understand you,” stuttered out Sweetie Belle, very timidly.
“Ha ha, you hear that Jizmak? Suck it,” said the face painted monster wearing spike armor.
“Yeah, we understand you,” said Sootaloo, finding some moxie deep inside her. “And understand this; you guys are fixing our clubhouse.”
“Of course,” said a huge green monster wearing a horned Viking helmet. “We may be genocidal alien’s hell bent on the annihilation of every race, but we would never destroy someone’s clubhouse and not repair it like that. We’re not total dicks.”
“Oh, okay,” said Scootaloo.
“Oh, are you shitting me; Pustulus snorted all the space coke,” yelled the monster named Jizmak, kicking the unconscious body of a blue monster.
“Damnit, that was the last of out drugs,” said the monster named Beefcake. “I can’t go a whole ‘nother day sober. I just can’t.”
“Hey Bonesnapper, why don’t you stay behind with Pustulus and repair the clubhouse while the rest of us find out what kind of planet we’re on, take all of its drugs, and destroy it,” said the big green monster.
“Why do I gotta do it, Blothar?” asked Bonesnapper, another big green monster, but with a huge, deformed head.
“Because you’re just security, and I don’t think we’ll need any of that if most of the planet is tiny talking ponies. Besides, WE OWN YOU!” said the monster named Blothar.
“It’s not so bad, you’ll have Putulus with you,” joked Jizmak.
“Yeah, when he waked up,” said Bonesnapper.
“If he wakes up,” laughed Beefcake.
As the monsters walked away, Apple Bloom was reminded of two other monster that were sometimes hanging around Zecora’s hut; but they couldn’t have any relation.
Ponyville Must Be Destroyed
Blothar the Berserker had never seen a place so sickeningly adorable. In a twisted kind of way, he was enjoying the beautiful trees, dirt roads, and cute pony houses on the outskirts of Ponyville. He caught a glimpse of the little multi colored ponies going about their daily activities before most of them shyed away and hid at the giant killer aliens walking down their streets. The thought of destroying such a cute and innocent society brought a blood tear down his cheek. He wiped it away before his fellow aliens, Jizmak Da Gusha and Beefcake the Mighty noticed. He remembered who he was and what would need to be dome really soon. Destruction could wait until they got high though.
“Pitiful ponies,” he yelled. “Where are the drugs?!”
A tiny pony, the same size as the ones with the clubhouse in the forest, trotted up to them. She had a white pelt, a fluffy red mane, big goofy glasses, and two candy canes on her flank. “I’m sorry misters, but nopony here has ever heard of ‘drugs.’”
“Well, we slaughtered our way out of hell, let’s do the same thing to this place,” said Jizmak, getting ready to slay.
“No, let’s not,” said Blothar, stopping him.
“Why not man, it’s all we know. Don’t tell me that you’re starting to like this place.”
“Don’t be crazy Jizmak,” said Beefcake. “In case you didn’t notice, we left all of our slaves on other planets. We were working on more brainwashing music on the Scumship anyway. Why don’t we make as much money off of this race as possible, enslave some, and then kill the rest?”
“Woah, hold on there a second.” A rainbow blitz traveling at the speed of sound flew right in front of them. It was a blue Pegasus with a messy rainbow mane. “Nopony’s getting enslaved or killed here,” she said cockily.
“Ahh, some competition,” said Blothar, excitedly.
“What exactly are you guys and where are you from?” asked the white and red filly.
“We are genocidal aliens from the planet Scumdogula. We destroyed countless planets on our way here, and will destroy countless more when we are through with you,” said Beefcake.
“Can I bring you guys in for show and tell tomorrow,” she asked.
“Yeah, sure, why not? I’ll come but my friends here might be busy.”
“You guys sure don’t seem like genocidal destructors,” mocked the rainbow haired pony.
“We got a sensitive side, just like the sad whale song,” replied Blothar.
“We’d kill all you ponies, but we want to get high first,” added Jizmak.
“Right,” said the Rainbow Pony, while rolling her eyes.
“You know what? If I get off of this planet, I swear, I’ll stop smoking krak,” said Blothar. He was trying his best to reject the adorableness of this pony town.
“Well, you see, my friend Twilight is the expert of inter planetary, other worldly, egghead stuff. I could take you to her, and she might be able to hook you guys up. Just lay off the weird ‘we’ve come to destroy you’ stuff; alright.”
“Perfect, they are giving us the perfect opportunity to kill one of their own who’s in a high position of power,” Jizmak said to Blothar.
“GWAR does not receive, GWAR takes,” replied Blothar.
“So Beefcake, you’ll come to the schoolhouse tomorrow, won’t you?” asked the white and red pony, who had been having a conversation with Beefcake while they were talking to the rainbow Pegasus.
“You got it, Twist. If we do any destroying, we’ll make sure not to do it around the schoolhouse. Don’t worry; we’ll save that torture shack for you.”
***
The three aliens followed the rainbow Pegasus through the town they were now realizing was called Ponyville. “So, what’s your name?” asked Blothar, trying not to do the whole walk in awkward silence.
“Rainbow Dash is the name, being awesome is the game,” she said. “But why do you care, if you’re just going to kill us all anyway?” She added the last in with a very sarcastic tone.
“We like to know who we’re destroying,” said Jizmak.
“It’s nothing personal. We might only kill most of you, the rest would make good slaves,” said Blothar.
“So, do you ponies really not have any drugs? I can’t kill on a full mind,” asked Beefcake.
“Dude, I have never even heard that word before,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, screw it; I might as well just kill myself now.”
“Wait man; this place might be worth it,” said Blothar.
“Yeah, and besides, if you’re going to kill yourself, we could probably sell tickets to that,” laughed Jizmak.
“You guys are weird,” said Rainbow Dash.
***
The citizens of Ponville did not seem too intimidated by GWAR. None of them approached the band, but not too many went inside their little pony houses. They definitely had their share of exposure to weirdness. Some ponies gave out a wave, and the members of GWAR returned them. They finally got to this ‘Twilight’s’ house. It was a huge tree castle made entirely of crystal. Blothar imagined how good it would look in ruins.
Rainbow Dash shared the same views of hospitality as GWAR did. She just barged right in the castle instead of knocking. GWAR followed, and were greeted by a small green and purple dragon that looked completely harmless.
“Hi Rainbow Dash; who are you’re friends?”
“They’re aliens who have come to destroy everyone. Spike, meet Blothar, Beefcake, and Jizmak.”
“What’s up dude,” said Beefcake.
“Oh no! I should get a letter to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna then,” said Spike, quite afraid.
“I wouldn’t bother Spike,” said Rainbow Dash. “I could probably take all of these guys.”
“Um, are there any more of you guys,” Spike asked timidly to the huge alien monsters.
“Yeah, but we split with some of us on the way here,” said Jizmak. “And you go ahead and bring on your princess’; GWAR will annihilate anyone in our way.”
“What’s this I’m hearing about death and destruction,” said a small purple Alicorn trotting down the stairs. “Oh, hi Rainbow Dash; who are your friends here?”
“There definitely not cool enough to be my friends Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash. “They call themselves GWAR and claim to be genocidal aliens who are here to destroy everypony.”
“Oh my gosh, real aliens; how exciting!” Twilight said and approached Blothar as if he were no threat at all. She looked at them skeptically all of a sudden. “Are you sure these are ‘real’ aliens. This looks like just costumes and face paint to me.” She used some kind of unicorn magic to float Blothar’s horned helmet off of his head.
Blothar grabbed his helmet out of the air and put it back on. “All the planets we eradicated on our way here were real enough,” he said, defensively.
“Yeah,” said Jizmak. “Name the time and place, brave pony warriors, and you guys can be on the list of race’s we’ve made extinct.”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash just looked at each other confused. “If you’re these bad ass aliens, then where’s your Spaceship?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“The Scumship was destroyed on our way here, but we’ll enslave some of you and get you ponies to build a new one,” said Beefcake.
“Bwahahaha,” laughed Rainbow Dash. “Aliens without a ship! It’s going to be so easy to beat you.”
“How about tomorrow afternoon, we meet you guys at Ghastly Gorge for a showdown,” asked Twilight.
“Sounds good, bring all the ponies you want,” said Jizmak.
“You aliens better bring an army if you want to take us down,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Hey, how about you get bigger and we can make you the new Gor Gor?” stated Beefcake to Spike. “We left him on Earth and we figure a dragon would make a good pet.”
“In the unlikely outcome of you clowns winning, you can keep him,” said Rainbow Dash.
“But I didn’t agree to that,” complained Spike.
“We’ll be on our way now,” said Blothar. “Even though pony existence is futile, we promise not to harm any of you pathetic creatures.”
And with that, GWAR exited the castle and went out to explore Ponyville. Little did they know that their actions would be monitored by Spike, who was sent by Twilight to make sure they didn’t cause any obliteration today.
Pustulus Maximus awoke in the middle of a thin forest. A tiny yellow pony with a red mane and a big bow on its head noticed him getting up. “Oh, Pustulus, right? You’re up,” it said in a girlish voice with a southern accent.
“Ah ha,” said a yellow-brown Pegasi with a light purple mane. “He’s not dead Bonesnapper; you owe me five bits.”
“But I don’t have any bits, damnet; I’ll make him dead then,” said Bonesanapper, and then advancing in to cave his skull in.
“Nope,” said the Pegasi filly getting in his way. “No killing, looks like you’ll have to be my slave for the rest of the day when this is done then.”
“Bonesnapper, what kind of hell is this. Are we enslaved by cute tiny talking ponies now?” asked Pustulus.
“No dumbass; you overdosed on the rest of the space coke and crashed the Scumship onto this planet filled with tiny talking ponies, destroying these fillies clubhouse in the process.”
“NO,” he yelled, more distraught about being out of drugs than stranded on this pony planet. “So with no Scumship, we’ll have to conquer our way off of this planet,” said Pustulus, getting ready to slay.
“Probably, but first we gotta fix their clubhouse,” said Bonesnapper. “We’re not total dicks.”
“So start fixing,” said the pony with the bow in her hair, handing him a hammer.
Pustulus got to work building a basic treehouse. Bonesnapper had plans to make it the most dangerous treehouse ever. It was going to have missiles and bullets shooting out of it, destroying any other treehouse that stands in its way.
“So, what exactly are you guys supposed to be,” asked a tiny white unicorn with a curly pink and purple mane in a high pitched voice. “I tried asking Bonesnapper, but he’s not being very talkative.”
“Sorry ‘bout that, he’s a huge cocksucker. We are GWAR, genocidal aliens who destroy entire galaxies for breakfast. Since we are on your planet now, extinction is imminent.”
“Imminent for you guys,” laughed the Pegasus. “Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and the rest of them destroy bad guys like you for breakfast.”
“Is there anything else you do,” asked the unicorn.
“On our last planet, we put on these brutal ass rock concerts all over it before we got bored and destroyed it,” answered Pustulus.
“So, you guys wrote songs!?” asked the unicorn, excitedly.
“Well, it was more like brainwashing noise meant to hypnotize bohabs into giving us there money and killing themselves,” answered Pustulus.
“Oh,” replied the unicorn, a little sadly.
“But I guess that’s really what music is all about, since the beginning of time, no matter what planet you’re on,” said Pustulus, trying to cheer her up. “Why do you ask little filly, do you want legions of mindless zombie fans to command through music.”
“Yes! I mean, kind of. I love writing songs but I don’t really care about the mindless zombie fans part,” said the unicorn. “But I’m not that good at it sometimes.”
“Well, you could always join our crew; we could always use more members. And besides, if you’re in a creative slump, just do a bunch of kick ass drugs to get your inspiration up. The masses love stupidity.”
“What’s a drug?” asked the unicorn.
Pustulus was frozen in fear for a moment. “Bonesnapper,” he called out. “Are you sure we have not died and went to some hell?”
“You’re going to if you’re not going to help me with the clubhouse,” said Bonesnapper.
“Being a prick as usual,” said Pustulus. “Well, we may as well get to know our masters better.” He turned to the three ponies. “Who are you guys?”
“I’m Applebloom,” said the pony with the big red bow in her mane. “And these are Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle,” she said, pointing to the Pegasus and unicorn.
“Together, we are the Cutie Mark Crusaders,” said Scootaloo, flapping her tiny wings.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders?” asked Pustulus.
Sweetie Belle pointed to a shield they all bore on their flanks, bearing a musical note, lightning bolt, and apple. “We go around Ponyville, helping other ponies get their cutie marks and finding their place in the world.”
“I should have a cutie mark in killing!” announced Pustulus.
“No, you should have a cutie mark in crashing spaceships,” joked Scootaloo, not taking him seriously at all.
“Speaking of that, how about helping me out, you lazy piece of shit,” said Bonesnapper. He was rigging the weapons of the Scumship into the defense systems of the new and improved crusader clubhouse.
“Nah, Pustulus don’t to slave work,” bragged Pustulus, before turning to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “How about we leave Bonesnapper to this crap, and we can all go and jam together.”
The three fillies decided that was a good idea.
***
Rarity was finishing her work at the boutique for the day. She was putting the finishing touches on a dress, when Sweetie Belle came home.
“How was your day?” asked Rarity.
“Kick ass big sis,” said Sweetie Belle. “We rocked with an alien and now our clubhouse can kill anypony who we want dead! Hey, can you get your guitar and start shredding; I got some nice lyrics to slay with.”
Sweetie Belle then started screaming a horrifying song about killing every living thing in Equestria. She was horrified at her little sister and wondered if this alien was related to the aliens that Rainbow Dash said they’d be fighting tomorrow.
The daily routine at Sweet Apple Acres went a lot smoother with someone helping out. Big Mac had asked him what he and his friends were doing here, and Balsac was confused as to what ‘friends ‘meant. Big Mac did find out that his full name was Balsac the Jaws of Death, and he and his companions were part of an inter galactic group of genocidal alien conquerors known as GWAR. Big Mac was alarmed as to what they would be doing to Ponyville.
“Don’t sweat it Big,” assured Balsac. “We never pillage on the first day; we usually start by enslaving and brainwashing. But since Pustulus snorted all the coke, we don’t have any drugs, and we’ll have to get some before we do anything. If it’s any consolation to the lack of senseless violence, GWAR does not buy drugs; they just slaughter the dealer and take them.”
Big Mac was curious as to what Balsac was talking about, but chose not to inquire, and just gave his usual “eeyup.” Then he asked, “What made you want to help out on the farm?”
“Oh, that. Well, you see, I’m getting tired of the constant slaughtering of innocent life forms. I just want to settle down. Maybe have some little Jaws of Death to raise as my own. Farming seems like a really peaceful lifestyle.”
“Peaceful. That it may be, but it sure ain’t easy. But I do appreciate the help. Why don’t you come in and meet the family for dinner when we’re through.”
“That sounds nice.”
***
The work was done. Now the only thing Big Mac was worried about was what that alien had said about Balsac making a pass at him, but he didn’t seem interested at all, to Big Mac’s relief. He brought Balsac in the house, to come face to face with Granny Smith.
“Granny, um, this is the new farm hoof, Balsac the Jaws of Death,” said he.
“Please, just call me Balsac,” added Balsac.
“Is that an alien? How exciting, I haven’t seen one of you since the invasion shortly after the founding of Ponyville. A bloody war it was, but you aliens just didn’t count of us ponies opening a can of whoop ass on yawl.”
“All disrespect intended Granny, but GWAR is a lot more powerful than those chumps,” said Balsac. Then Granny and he shared a nice friendly laugh about it while she got dinner out of the oven.
“Hey yawl, I’m home,” said Applejack, entering the house. “You fellows ain’t gonna believe this, but me an’ the girls have to go to Ghastly Gorge to kick some invading alien flank tomorrow.” She then froze awkwardly when she saw the giant alien monster with huge steel jaws for a head. “What is that thing doing here?”
“Applejack, he’s a friend, he helped out on the farm today,” Big Mac told her.
“So you wouldn’t know anything about the aliens that we have to fight tomorrow, would ya?” Applejack asked Balsac.
“Oh, those are just my fellow murderous aliens. Sorry about that, but pony existence is futile for you ponies. All GWAR knows is killing.”
“Then why don’t you and me settle this; right here, right now,” replied Applejack.
“C’mon Applejack, let’s just have a peaceful night with no fightin’,” said Big Mac, trying to avoid a violent outcome.
“What does ‘peaceful’ mean,” asked Balsac.
“I think you could learn a thing or two from us ponies,” stated Granny Smith.
“Why doesn’t yawl give friendship, love, and peace a try?” Applejack asked to Balsac.
Balsac stood there almost in a trance for a few seconds before quietly saying, “We could try; it wouldn’t be easy for us.”
“Nothing worth doing is easy, sugar cube,” said Applejack, giving him a comforting smile.
It was then that Apple Bloom walked in the house. She was banging her head as if she was listening to a heavy song. “What the buck’s up family; we eatin’ some dead bohabs tonight? I’m ready to slay. Oh, how’s it going dude. You must be Balsac the Jaws of Death.”
“Apple Bloom, don’t tell me you met some of these aliens,” said Applejack.
“We sure did sis. In fact, they made our clubhouse the ultimate death machine and showed us how to kill with sheer brutal metal music!”
Applejack was concerned that the invading aliens were getting this acquainted with her family. Answers could wait until tomorrow though; she just wanted to eat dinner and forget about all this nonsense.
Blothar the Berserker, Jizmak Da Gusha, and Beefcake the Mighty were making their way around Ponyville. Blothar had a weird feeling inside of him because this was the longest any of them had gone without slaying some innocent fools since being unfrozen in Antarctica by Sleazy P. Martini. They figured that they would explore Ponyville. It was always nice to get a look at a civilizations putrid culture before making them extinct. That always fueled their hatred.
They noticed a crowd was leaving from a wagon with a stage folded out of it. All the ponies disappointment was quickly hidden from the shock of seeing these huge, threatening looking, alien monsters approaching. Beefcake assured them that they are not going to do any killing today.
“What were you all here for?” Blothar asked a pony.
“To see some kind of magic show, but it was kind of lame. ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie,’ she calls herself,” answered the pony.
GWAR decided to go check out this Great and Powerful Trixie. Behind the wagon stage, they found two unicorns. One was purple with wavy blue, purple, and white hair. The other was azure, had wavy silver hair, and was wearing a ridiculous cape and pointy hat covered in stars.
“Which one of you dares call herself Great and Powerful in the presence of GWAR?” demanded Jizmak.
“Umm, she does,” said the azure unicorn with the hat and cape, pointing at the other pony. “So if you’re going to destroy anypony, it should be her.”
“No, I’m not. I’m Starlight and this is Trixie,” said the purple unicorn. “Who…or what exactly are you guys supposed to be?”
“We are GWAR. We have come to destroy all of you inferior lifeforms,” said Blothar.
“We also make barbeque sauces and stuff,” added Beefcake.
“I like these guys all of a sudden,” said Trixie.
“Well, you won’t be destroying anypony as soon as I tell Twilight,” said Starlight.
“No need,” said Jizmak. “The pitiful pony known as Twilight already knows of our arrival, and will be defeated tomorrow at Ghastly Gorge.”
“You guys better be really strong if you’re going to go up against Twilight and them,” said Starlight.
“GWAR has no doubt of their triumph,” said Blothar. “What exactly was going on here?”
“I was putting on a magic show, but the crowd did not like it very much,” said Trixie.
“How come I saw them walking away? Why didn’t you slaughter all of them afterwards?” asked Beefcake.
“Huh,” said Trixie.
“Back on other sides of the universe, GWAR would put on all kinds of crazy rock and roll shows. We were constantly mutilating the crowd, grinding up their bodies, and spraying the audience of the next show with their blood before killing them to. Dead people can’t dislike anything, and the screams of horror from the innocent victims were a good reaction. Any reaction is a good reaction,” said Blothar.
“Well, we can’t exactly get away with stuff like that here,” said Starlight.
“Don’t listen to her,” said Trixie. “I could do something like that. Why don’t I put on a show tomorrow and do something like that?”
“Sounds good, after we kill Twilight and them, we’ll help you with it,” said Jizmak. He started advancing on Starlight. “Let’s start by killing her.”
“NO,” yelled Trixie, getting in the way of Jizmak and his victim. “She’s my friend. Maybe we could just use fake blood or something.”
“That sounds very pussyrific,” said Blothar. “But if there is profit to be made, GWAR will do anything.”
They were about to get started on the stuff, when Starlight noticed Spike spying on them. “Oh hi Spike,” she said.
“Spike the dragon?” Blothar said. “Have you come to your senses and chosen to join GWAR?”
“Heck no,” said Spike. “I’m just making sure you guys don’t do anything violent before tomorrow. But I wouldn’t make any long term plans for Trixie’s show, because once Twilight defeats you, you guys won’t be around to do anything!”
“Let’s slay this guy to send a message,” said Jizmak.
“No Jizmak,” said Beefcake. “We can’t do anything tonight.”
“But I can’t remember the last time I went this long without killing. One of them dead can’t do any harm. No one will even notice,” complained Jizmak.
“No Jizmak,” said Blothar. “We will have all the slaughter we want once this place is conquered.”
Spike went back to the castle, and Blothar, Jizmak, Beefcake, Trixie, and Starlight got to work on props for tomorrow’s show.
Twist was so excited that her new alien friend, Beefcake the Mighty, was going to show up at school today. But when she arrived at school, he wasn’t there. After some brief classes by Ms. Cheerilee, it was time for show and tell. It was okay though, because she would just wait until the end to go. When it was finally her turn to go, Beefcake the Mighty barged through the door of the schoolhouse.
“Hey there Twist,” he said. “Sorry, but they don’t have any guns in Ponyville. I take it you brought me here to pull off a school shooting. Well, there ain’t gonna be a shooting, but we can still kill all of your classmates the old fashion way!” He pulled out a giant battle axe and got ready to take Cheerilee’s head off.
“Twist, what the hay is going on?” asked Cheerilee.
“Beefcake, stop, please! I didn’t ask you here to kill anyone. I thought you could tell the class about what you are and where you’re from,” said Twist.
“Oh. Well, this is awkward. It goes against every fiber of my being not to blow this school up, but I’ll participate,” said Beefcake.
Before he could say anything, Apple Bloom said, “I know you! You’re a member of the intergalactic, genocidal band of warrior aliens known as GWAR. Me, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo jammed with Pustulus Maximus yesterday.”
“Stay metal, little filly,” said Beefcake. “Yes, I, Beefcake the Mighty, and the rest of GWAR are here to senselessly slaughter everypony in Equestria.”
“Wow, so cool,” Snips said to Snails.
“Yes, we are very cool,” said Beefcake.
“Twist, you can’t bring a murderous alien to school,” said a grumpy Cheerilee.
“Oh, but we do more than murder,” said Beefcake. “We also enslave and harvest souls. We also write killer metal, so we have a soundtrack to our slaying.”
“So,” said Cheerilee, “why haven’t you guys killed anypony yet; and where are the rest of you.”
“We’re saving our hatred for a bloodbath battle with your Princess Twilight and her friends. The rest of us are just hanging around Ponyville right now. Blothar and Jizmak are with the show pony Trixie and her friend, Starlight, hopefully not bucking them to death.”
“Oh my gosh!” said Snails. You guys know Trixie and her weird friend who tried to destroy everything that ever was and will be.”
“Yup, and we’re gonna put on a killer show that will end with all of you dead after we defeat Twilight.”
“Wow!” said Apple Bloom. “Can the Cutie Mark Crusaders play one of our new songs at it?”
“Wouldn’t be a murder show without some killer metal,” said Beefcake.
By the end of show and tell, all of Twist’s classmates were hardcore bohabs ready to give their lives and all of their money to GWAR. Cheerilee was still skeptical though, and after Beefcake left, Twist heard her say, “They’ve beaten everyone else. These jokes shouldn’t be any different.”
“Spike!” said Twilight. “How could you just leave them like that? They could have done all sorts of horrible things.”
Twilight Sparkle was furious that Spike had just bailed on spying on GWAR for her. “Starlight could have handled them by herself if they tried anything. Hay, even Trixie could hold her own against them!” said Rainbow Dash. Twilight could tell that there was no doubt in Dash’s mind of their victory over GWAR today. But, she was reminded of all of the foe’s that underestimated themselves and were defeated because of their own arrogance. She would take no chances, and was bringing the whole crew; herself, along with Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie to battle GWAR today. They began the journey to Ghastly Gorge.
***
She had cast a spell to repel the moray eels the night before so there was no chance of them being harmed or interfering during the fight. Upon entering Ghastly Gorge, GWAR was waiting for them. Blothar, in all his green, muti-penised fury, Jizmak Da Gusha, who would have gladly slaughtered all of Ponyville yesterday, Beefcake the Mighty, who had made the youth of Ponyville GWAR fans, Pustulus Maximus, Bonesnapper, and Balsac the Jaws of Death, who was getting very friendly with the Apple family, were all ready to slay. But the ponies were ready to slay also.
When both GWAR and the ponies were just starting to charge, a loud rumble was heard in the distance. Trees were falling as a giant creature was rushing its way towards the battle. Twilight was horrified to see the familiar black legs, muscular red body, and large horns of a foe she didn’t think she would have to contend with again.
“Prepare to meet you’re doom, ponies!” furiously yelled the dark Lord Tirek.
“Ah shoulda known you treacherous aliens would bring back up for this showdown,” said Applejack.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “These losers probably worship Tirek like he’s their god or something.”
“Hell no,” shouted Blothar. “This pussy worships us!”
“Oh shit!” Tirek was shaking nervously. “That’s not GWAR, is it?”
“The one and only,” said Beefcake.
“I’ll just be on my way then. Just forget you guys ever saw me. I won’t cause any trouble, I promise. Please don’t kick my ass.” Tirek then tripped over himself while scurrying back to Tartarus like a little bitch.
The ponies were a little confused, but GWAR seemed ready to carry on the battle like nothing happened. Then, just as they all were seconds away from fighting, the sky went dark, and the air became thick. All the rocks in the gorge turned into a black, twisted mockery of nature. The very soil felt unnatural on Twlight’s hooves. She looked up towards the top of the canyon, and from the fog festering up there, emerged the vile form of King Sombra and a host of creatures more gruesome then GWAR.
Sawborg Destructo awoke from his drunken stupor to see the Earth in ruin. This mayhem had the hated GWAR written all over it. Giant mutant penguins were rampaging all across the wasteland, Gor Gor was sleeping on a pile of human skeletons, and mountains were crumbling in the wake of the World Maggot. But on the horizon, he saw the Scumship leaving the planet’s atmosphere. GWAR had completely forgotten about him, and were going to leave him to rot and rust on this corpse planet. No, they have left him behind for the last time. Sawborg Destructo decided he was going to look for survivors, assemble an anti-GWAR army, and destroy the wretched aliens no matter what it takes.
***
His task brought him to the heartland of Virginia to find someone who hates GWAR as much as his mechanical heart hates them. Edna P. Granbo, the hideously grotesque old lady, was sitting on her porch in her wheelchair aiming her double barrel shotgun right at Sawborg’s head.
“Git yer cyborg freak ass off of my property,” she yelled.
“I’m here to make a deal,” said Sawborg.
“I don’t deal with yer kind,” she said, cocking her shotgun.
“It involves defeating GWAR once and for all.”
“I’m in then. I’ve been nothing ever since those bastards slaughtered the rest of the Morality Squad.”
“We’re going to need more GWAR haters to make this work, though.”
“Oh,” she happily replied. “I’ve got a friend in the Vatican who could help us out!”
***
“What a pleasant surprise,” said the Nazi Pope. “Edna P. Granbo and Sawborg Destructo are among the few survivors of GWAR’s rampage.”
“Damn straight,” said Sawborg. “With Granbo’s shot gun and my saw, nothing was going to do us any harm.”
“How’d you hold your own against the penguins?” asked Granbo.
“My krosstika makes for a good weapon,” explained the Nazi Pope. “Now, why exactly have you to come to seek me out?”
“We’re going to follow GWAR to whatever twisted part of the universe they have gone, and kill those sons of bitches!” said Sawborg.
“Sound’s good. But what’s in it for me?”
“Getting to keep yer head!” yelled Granbo, aiming her shotgun at his head.
“Enough of that, Granbo,” said Sawborg. “Nazi Pope, you were never able to defeat GWAR on your own, were you? Join us, and their destruction will be imminent.”
“Sounds good;” Nazi Pope was smiling. “There is someone I know of who would definitely be willing to join us.”
***
Cardinal Syn, the giant robot, was surfing the giant, freakish waves caused by Earth’s plates getting out of whack by the World Maggot. He got on the beach to greet Sawborg, Granbo, and the Nazi Pope, who were coming towards him.
“Nazi Pope,” he said. “What’s up bro. You’re not gonna try surfing, are you? You’ll totally wipe out.”
“No,” he replied. “Me and my friends are going to follow GWAR and defeat them once and for all. You wanna join?”
“I would, but the surf here is so gnarly. Plus, they always kick my ass.”
It was at that moment that a creature most vile crawled out of the ground. He had greasy hair, zits all over him, was wearing a rare GWAR hoodie, had quite a woody, was stoned and drunk out of his mind, and in the ultimate mark of poser faggotry, had Scumdog tattooed across his neck.
“Oh God, what’s this thing doing here?” said a very weirded out Sawborg.
“I was in hell sucking on Satan’s spikey fire prick,” said the Ultimate Bohab; “when word got out that GWAR was going on a farewell to Earth tour. I bribed some of the devil guards with some anal so they’d let me out to see them. They’re not gone already, are they?”
“Holy shit,” said Cardinal Syn. “Yeah dumbass, they’re gone.”
“Oh man. Well, I guess I’ll just kill myself again, then.”
“Here’s my shotgun,” said Granbo, giving him her shotgun. “Make it quick.”
“What exactly are you guys doing here?”
Sawborg contemplated whether or not he wanted to acknowledge the Ultimate Bohab’s existence. “We’re assembling a team to destroy GWAR.”
“Oh; then where’s Skulhedface.”
“None of us have any idea where he is,” said Nazi Pope.
“I know where he is! I know everything about GWAR. If you guys are going to find them, can I join you? I never got a chance to have all of them to carve their names into my back.”
Sawborg decided that it was worth putting up with this idiot, because they could use a guy who is so obsessed with GWAR that he knows all of their weaknesses. Plus, it would be worth it to watch him get slaughtered by GWAR.
***
It was a painful journey to Skulhedface’s laboratory. The whole way, the Ultimate Bohab would not shut the fuck up about how he knew every GWAR song and how some of the zits on his body formed an acne constellation of Oderus Urungus and the Cuttlefish of Cthulu. The only reason this pathetic excuse of a lifeform was not slaughtered like most bohabs usually were at GWAR shows was because he always passed out or overdosed while waiting in line for their concert’s, thus never being able to see them live. The only reason he knew where Skulhedface’s lab was, was because he was once studied there during Skulhedface’s horrifying experiments on bohab’s, but was thrown out because he wouldn’t stop taking whatever drugs he could get his filthy hands on. Sawborg had to stop Cardinal Syn from killing him so many times on the journey there.
Skulhedface had managed to bunker down in his lab during the GWARpocalypse to avoid dying. “Greeting’s friends,” he welcomed them; “I take it you want to follow GWAR to wherever they went and end them.”
“You know it, bro,” said Cardinal Syn.
“You will all address me as Doctor Mr. Mrs. Professor Skulhedface,” demanded Skulhedface.
“And you ca suck my metal dick,” said Sawborg.
“That sound’s nice. We’ll have to occupy ourselves somehow on the long road to wherever GWAR is.”
“Allying with a cyborg freak is one thing,” said Granbo. “But teaming with a tranny he-she abomination is another.”
“Give me a couple minutes in the back seat with you, and I’ll change your mind.”
“Come on guys, we need to stay focused if we’re going to defeat GWAR,” said the Nazi Pope.
“Yeah, what he said. Now, whose ship are we taking?”
How could Sawborg not have thought that through? None of them have spaceships that could survive a journey like that. It was at that moment that Techno Destructo entered the lab.
“Wow! It’s Techno Destructo,” said the Ultimate Bohab, about to come in his pants. “I think I’m gonna have a GWARgasm!”
“Hey guys, let me kill this douche for you,” said Techno Destructo, revving his chainsaw up to slay.
“As much as we’d all love that,” said the Nazi Pope. “We need that thing.”
“I take it you guys want to kill GWAR.”
“It’s all we ever think about, dude,” said Cardinal Syn.
“Why don’t you join me?”
“How ‘bout you join us,” said Granbo.
“No,” said Sawborg. “I’m not teaming with him.”
Oh,” said Techno. “While you’ve been gathering up this sad group of clowns, I’ve been turning the feeble minds of GWAR’s already revolting slaves against them. In their arrogance, they left their slaves here to rot. Now, they are all completely dedicated to their savior, me. By now, they should have worked themselves almost to death constructing a space ship that will take us across the universe at the speed of light. We’ll take ourselves, and whatever slaves are still alive, and eradicate GWAR once and for all!”
Sawborg really didn’t like the notion of teaming with Techno Destructo, but he could not think of any other way.
***
They used the Ultimate Bohab’s GWAR sensing abilities to follow the route GWAR took to get to the far end of the universe. None of them had ever been to this part of the universe before. They came in fast, and ended up crashing far away from where GWAR landed. The crash took its toll on them. At least half of their slaves were dead or would have to be left to freeze in this winter wasteland where they landed. But the survivors would never abandon then. To the mercy of everyone involved, the Ultimate Bohab was dead to. His corpse lay in the snow, contorted so that he was sucking his own prick; the cuntiest way to die that fit this wretched creature too well.
“Well, we’re here,” said a very angry Sawborg to Techno. “Now where are GWAR.”
“I don’t know, I have no idea where anything is on this planet,” explained Techno.
Sawborg was revving up his saw to kill Techno in his anger, but Techno was ready. Before they could fight, an ominous voice was heard in the distance.
“I know where this GWAR is. I know everything about this feeble planet. I knew you guys would arrive today.” A black unicorn with a blood red horn and a flowing mane composed entirely of darkness emerged from the snow breeze. He was wearing steel armor and had a red cape on. “And I’ll take you to them and help you defeat them, under the condition that you help me take over and enslave…"
“Techno Destructo,” shouted Blothar. “It seems you have sought us out for more punishment!”
“You’re wrong, Blothar,” yelled back the hideous creature attached to gargantuan tools. “With this force, it is you who will fall.”
“And all of ponykind with you,” said King Sombra, who was standing next to this Techno Destructo monster.
“You mind telling me who the hay these freaks are,” said Rainbow Dash.
“That’s the hated Techno Destructo, his abominable creation, Sawborg Destructo, the leader of the Morality Squad, Edna P. Granbo, the giant surfing robot, Cardinal Syn, Skulhedface, and the Nazi Pope,” said Beefcake. “We used to mutilate them all across the universe all the time. Now who is this unicorn they are with?”
“The evil King Sombra,” said Twilight. “He would have taken over and enslave all of Equestria if he could.”
“We’re the only ones who are going to enslave Equestria!” said Jizmak.
“Can’t take us without backup, Skulhedface!” said Pustulus. “So you need the help of some dark unicorn.”
“Dead is dead,” yelled Sawborg. “We don’t care how we kill you, so long as it happens.” A large host of fleshy, bipedal creatures wearing loin cloths and strange metal masks emerged from the darkness.
“You’ll be ripped apart by your own slaves!” announced Techno.
“Along with your putrid pony friends,” said King Sombra.
“That’s we’re you’re wrong,” said Rainbow Dash. “There’s no way these guys are our friends.”
“Well, they are the enemies of our enemies,” said Applejack. “How about a temporary team up until we kick some evil flank.”
“It’s a deal!” said Blothar. “And after the slaughter we’ll commence our battle.”
***
Meanwhile, in downtown Ponyville, Trixie and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were ready to slay with a kick ass show. They were all wearing grotesque costumes and make up. Twist was in the mosh pit destroying anypony she could get her hooves on, and at one point in the show, Starlight Glimmer came out in a deformed Celestia costume, only for Scootaloo to rip off the horn and shove it up her fake ass, covering the crowd in anal blood. Applebloom then ripped her head off while Sweetie Bell sang:
Hydrashima, a shadow burned in time
Neighgasaki, naked foal melts alive
That wasn’t a fluke
I must use the nukes
There’s nothing to prove
I can’t kill you all with my hooves
Nuke the Hippogriff’s, Canterlot, and Klugetown
Burn it all down
A nuclear holocaust, let the Siren’s sing
A destroyed atmosphere is what we’ll bring
Ponies now look to the sky * Trixie sets off some fireworks that look like bombs coming down on everypony
Death is coming, there’s nowhere to hide
It’s time to die
Bring-bring back the bomb!
At this point, the ponies start panicking and a near riot breaks out. Spike, who was in the audience, flees to go tell Twilight what has happened.
***
King Sombra sent GWAR’s former slaves after them first. The members of GWAR did not hesitate to rip them to shreds while the ponies magic blasted, bucked, and took to the sky to crash right through them. But, the slaves seemed to be regenerating for more slaughter. This would not be a problem, but to Twilight’s horror, the reanimated slaves were not going after them; instead fleeing towards Ponyville.
The ponies and GWAR could do nothing to stop them, because they were too busy fighting off more slaves along with the Nazi Pope’s flaming Krosstika, Edna P. Granbo’s shotgun, Cardinal Syn’s lasers and giant fists, Sawborg and Techno Destructo’s huge saws, and King Sombra’s dark magic.
“Fools,” said King Sombra. “Resistance is futile. Skulhedface’s science along with my black powers allows us to reanimate GWAR’s former slaves. They will run roughshod over your pathetic Ponville.”
“Twilight,” yelled Spike; “it’s really bad. There’s a riot going through the town.”
“Mwahahaha,” laughed King Sombra. “Taking over your town will be so easy.”
“GWAR will fight to the end!” said Blothar, defiantly.
“I hate to say it, but we’re gonna need some backup,” said Rainbow Dash.
“What about those other two alien barbarians who are always hanging around Zecora’s place? Oderus and Flattus with the Cuttlefish of Cthulu could take these guys down,” said Applejack.
“Wait, are you talking about Oderus Urungus and Flattus Maximus?” asked Beefcake. “They’re here?”
“Yes,” said Twilight. “Why don’t you and Blothar come with me, Rainbow Dash, and Spike to Everfree forest to find them? The rest of us should be able to hold their own until then.”
It was going to be another long day for Big Mac. There were all sorts of daily farm work to attend to. With Applejack away on friendship missions so much, Big Mac was thinking that he needed to hire some farm hoofs to help out. He was hard at work bucking apples, but he wasn’t working hard enough to hallucinate the four bipedal horrifying monsters entering the farm lands.
Big Mac turned their direction as they approached him, but did not know what to say. Before he knew it, the four monsters were standing right in front of him. His head only went up to their wastes.
“Hi,” said a monster with face paint, steel armor, and a spiked helmet.
Before he could reply, a monster wearing the hide and bones of some weird reptilian wolf yelled, “prepare to die; red horse.”
“Jizmak, you gotta chill the fuck out. We ain’t gonna slay no one until we get high and get laid,” said the face painted monster.
“Oh fine Beefcake,” said the monster named Jizmak. “We’re we gonna get some drugs around here. And some female ponies, I ain’t gonna be totally gay.” He leaned in a little closer, “Watch out for Balsac though; he don’t care what gender you are.” Jizmak pointed towards a huge monster with serrated steel jaws.
“Ain’t nothin’ but apples on Sweet Apple Acres,” said Big Mac, standing his ground.
“So we’d have to go further into town to find anything else,” asked Beefcake.
“Eeyup.”
“Hey, this looks like a lotta work to do by yourself. Why don’t I stay behind and help you with it,” said the monster named Balsac.
“Good thinking Balsac,” said a huge green monster wearing a horned helmet. “Let’s take all of these creatures’ resources before we destroy them.”
“Don’t drop the apple,” Jizmak said to Big Mac, making a fisting motion with his hands, as the three remaining atrocities headed towards Ponyville.
