Chapters This isn't Oz but they kept the witch.
I awoke with a great pain in my head. "Ow.Damn that hurt." Naturally the first thing I did was check for broken bones. "Check, Check, Check, F*ck!" It WOULD be my leg. Okay, next mode of action, make a splint or find a cane. I looked around the room and saw what I needed in an umbrella stand."Grandpa's old cane sword, don't worry Grandpa, I'll treat it well." I carefully propped myself up on it and hobbled to the kitchen.
Smart. Check for gas leaks.
Surprisingly despite the tornado, everything seemed mostly intact ,except some broken plates and cups.
Note to self:Leave Grandpa double flowers on his grave for teaching me about diy house repair.
I hobbled to the kitchen sink and pulled out a small flashlight. I then hobbled over to the bathroom so I could check myself for concussions in the mirror.Afterwords,I went outside to check the damage.
"What the hell?" Upon exiting the house, I was greeted by a large amount of trees and shrubs."Where the hell am I?"
Didn't we live out in the country?
Yes, yes we did,so what are we doing here in a forest?
I say we go explore.
On this leg? No, I say we go find civilization.
Good point,well it's a good thing you still have your survival pack.
Yes, a good thing indeed.
I pulled out my compass from the pack and I found something odd about it,It was spinning around very rapidly.
Well this isn't going to be very helpful
I then decided it would best to just press on and pray for the best. As I strolled through the forest I heard a loud roar in the distance.
Well, my day just keeps getting better and better.
I frantically checked my pack for my beretta and made sure I had all twelve bullets.
Little protection never hurt anybody.
Except of course who it's being used on.
I kept hobbling on until I found a large stone brick building with very bright lights emanating from it.
"Dafuq?" I ,with extreme caution ,hobbled up the stairs toward a large set of doors.
"NO, NO!" Who was that? Sounded like someones behind the door.
"But,where's the sixth element?" "*maniacal laughter*" That doesn't sound good. Without thinking I opened the doors and saw what to be one of the weirdest things I have ever seen.
"WHY THE HELL DOES THAT GIANT BLACK HORSE HAVE A HORN AND WINGS AND WHAT THE **** IS THAT PURPLE THING?!?!" The purple thing turned around and I saw it was also a horse, a unicorn to be specific. This unicorn had purple eyes, purple hair er, mane, with a pink stripe in it. What the hell kind of abomination is this?
"Are you the sixth element?"
"WAIT, YOU CAN TALK?"
All of the sudden I was surrounded by a dark blue glow and felt myself get hurled towards the black horse.
"Stay back or the monkey gets it!" I looked to my right and noticed the same glow around her horn.
That horn must work like a magic wand or something, quick shoot it!.
I searched around for my gun only to realize I dropped it when I got pulled over here,But I still had Grandpa's cane.
I quickly unscrewed the sheath on the cane sword and swung it at the horn.
"F*CK YOU BITCH! NO ONE CALLS ME A MONKEY!"What followed that was a bright light followed by darkness,a loud noise,and the sound of my other leg breaking.
-end of chapter 2-
As I was out cold I saw images. First, I saw a bright blinding assortment of color. Then, fire,fire everywhere. I saw the faces of Cerberus staring at me from the gates of tartarus, then I heard the voices of my Grandparents coming from the heads on the left and right ,and the head in the middle had my Mother's voice.The voices kept taunting me, asking me the same questions over and over again,"Why couldn't you save us?". "WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE!?! TELL ME!"No answer just the same taunting question.Then my world was cracked and shattered
Beep,Beep,Beep
I hate that damned alarm.I threw my right arm out to hit the alarm only to hit the heart monitor. Wait,what? I opened my eyes and found myself in a hospital, a children's hospital judging by the size of the bed.I tried to move my legs to discover I couldn't,well at least not without a great deal of pain. I then examined myself under the covers to discover a ridiculously large amount of bandages and gauze around my legs.
What the hell? I don't remember breaking my legs except when-OH SHIT!
WAIT THAT WAS REAL?!?
I WOULD THINK YOU WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED OUT OF THE TWO OF US!
You know what let's just calm down and try to act as calm as possible about all this.
Good thinking
I then did some deep breathing exercises to keep myself from losing my sanity.How do I get these horses attention?Wait, don't hospitals have a button or something to get assistance or some-
My thought was the interrupted by that purple horse,unicorn, thing. She walked up to me and began talking.
"Hello there, my name is Twilight Sparkle,prized student of Princess Celestia and I bid you welcome to Equestria."she said proudly.
Judging by how proudly she said that I am going to assume she is glad to be a student of this, "Celestia". One can also assume that she is a hard working and dedicated scholar if this is one of the first things she says upon meeting an unknown creature, assuming there aren't any other humans here.
Logic, you know how creeped out I am when you do that.
Very much so.
"My name's Joe, you can either call me Joey,Joseph, or Jack ,which is my middle name."
As soon as she opened her mouth to respond I heard a high pitched voice ask "Can I call you Joe-Jack?"
Twilight suddenly look very surprised and I saw her eyes fixate to a point just above my head.
"There's something on my head isn't there" She slowly nodded.
I then saw a pink horse that scented strongly of cotton candy pop her head downwards to look me right in the eyes.
What?
What?
"Hi!"
I slowly grabbed the pink, midget horse,that was surprisingly light,and set her down right nest to the cot.
I then looked at Twilight and tried to ask her as calmly as I could,
"Who is that?" But it came out as
"WHO THE F*CK IS THAT AND WHY WAS SHE ON MY HEAD?!?!"
I then heard a voice that sounded like a stereotypical snob say,
"Ugh, such vulgarity! Why on Equis does the Princess want us to meet such a ruffian?"
"Oy! This 'ruffian' has ears!Excuse me for being startled by finding some pink horse thing on my head!"
"My name is Pinkie Pie, and I'm a pony, but that doesn't matter because before anything else we have to throw you a 'welcome to Ponyville party' ,and 'then a get well soon party', and then a 'welcome to Equestria party' and, 'then a glad your better party' and then a' first fanfic party'."
Wait, what was that last one?
"Pinkie,we'll get to that, but all in good time but first can someone explain to me where am I?"
"Don't you mean 'somepony'? ,silly,silly Joe-Jack."
Twilight then stated "That's what me and my friends are going to do. Girls! You can come in!"
One white unicorn with a curled purple mane and far too much make-up on,One cyan pegasus with a rainbow mane in a mullet,and an orange pony with ,neither horn nor wings, blonde hair in (ironically) a ponytail and a stetson all came through the door.
"Joseph, meet AppleJack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and- Wheres Fluttershy? "
Rainbow Dash flew out the room and returned with a butter yellow pegasus whom was hiding behind her pink mane.
Note how easily the muscles tense in Rainbow Dash's wings. She is clearly an athlete of some sort.
The same goes for AppleJack and her legs. As for Rarity she clearly feels she has to live up to someone's standard or she'll feel like she's not good enough. Fluttershy clearly is very shy due to her probably being bullied at a young age making her fearful of others.
Seriously, this is getting ridiculo- wait, you didn't scan Pinkie.
Well, she was unreadable.
"Anyways, nice to meet you all but you still haven't answered all my questions."
Twilight then pulled out a, I shit you not, foot thick pile of papers.
"Okay then, Lets begin"
-End of Chapter 3-
"So what is your race?" Twilight asked me, while levitating a quill and a jar of ink from her saddlebags. Wait, how long has she had those?
"I am a human, or genus homo sapien if you want to get technical." She smiled at this bit of information.
"I've noticed you look, and please don't cut my horn off when I say this but,similar to a primate. Care to explain."
"Well God made us to look like this in his image but, according to Darwin's theory of evolution certain animals thrive due to them being better adapted to certain environments and that supposedly all living beings have a common ancestor.But, I personally have a problem with this. The cell theory states that a cell has to come from another cell, if this is true, then where did the first cell come from?"
She, after snapping out of deep thought, frantically wrote my thoughts down.
"Okay, can you tell us about your race?"
"Well if I can be completely honest, I don't like them much."
"Why is that?."
"We are constantly polluting the Earth ,and keep getting in wars over opinion and greed."
At the mention of this there was a collective gasp in the room.
"There hasn't been a war in Equestria in over 500 years!"
"Yeah, well it seems like we get in a war every decade or so."
"Now if I may ask a question of my own, what is that mark you have on your hindquarters?"
"That would be my cutie mark, it's a mark that appears when you find out what you are good at in life."
"Yeah, although some are cooler than others, like mine!" Rainbow Dash added on and then showed me hers.
It was a bolt of rainbow lightning coming out of a rain cloud.
"What does yours mean?"
"It means I'm fast and I'm good on weather patrol."
"What exactly is that?"
"You know it's when we plan the weather for the day and make sure everything goes according to plan"
What? I feel as if someone broke me in half!
"Well the weather does everything on it's own where I'm from."
"That's Horrible!"
"It's not that bad! Sure I wish it would rain more often, but otherwise it's okay."
"Wh-whats that ring on your finger for? You weren't married back home were you? That is, if you would like to tell me." Fluttershy timidly asked me.I chuckled a little then answered.
"No, My mother gave me that ring, said is was special to the family for whatever reason."
"Do you like parties and cupcakes and pastries?"
"Yes, and particularly red velvet."
"Who is this God you were talking about earlier?" Twilight asked me after writing the Q&As down.
"Well, if I went into that we'd be in this hospital for a few more weeks then I would like, though I can let you borrow a bible, my Grandfather had tons of them seeing as he was a deacon."
"A bible?"
"Yeah, It's a long book all about the subject matter, I have a feeling you like books so that shouldn't be a problem for you."
Twilight smiled at this then , frowned.
"How do you know that?"
Shit. We can't let her know that we can red people as easily as she reads books.
Right,here let me take control for a sec.
"I recognize that new book smell on you, after all the books I've read in life it's hard to miss."
She blushed a bit at this and smiled awkwardly to her friends.
"Ahem, but I've noticed a drastic change in attitude with you, you're not bipolar are you?" Rarity asked with a raised eyebrow expression. Note how I said expression seeing as how she didn't have eyebrows.
"First off, no I am not, I was caught off guard earlier,secondly, I've noticed you are very observant.Judging by your cutie mark I'm going to say you're probably a jeweler."
"Wrong, I am a fashionista."
"So you strive to make your clothing as beautiful as gems?"
"No, I add gems to my clothing"
"WHAT?!?WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU BEDAZZLE WITH REAL GEMS?!?DON'T YOU KNOW HOW VALUABLE THOSE DAMNED THINGS ARE?"
Everyo- Everypony in the room shrank back at this except Dash.
"Hey, lay off her! What's your problem?"
I looked around the room and saw all the shocked faces in the room.
"I'm so sorry.It's just where I'm from , a diamond no bigger than a pea would be worth tens of thousands of dollars, possibly millions seeing as how rare they started getting recently."
They all nodded in understanding.
We'll have to make that up to Rarity, a unicorn would be a valuable ally.
agreed
"Can ya tell us sumore bout ya race?" AppleJack asked trying to change the subject.
"Well, my race are brilliant, yet at the same time completely and utterly heartless. There used to be a brilliant man named Albert Einstein had come up with the theory of relativity being E=MC squared or, energy is equal to mass times the speed of light squared had been warped and twisted by a man named Heisenberg to make a hydrogen bomb that was used to cause the death of millions. If you ever find out how to bring humans here, refrain from doing it at all costs and burn the research resulting is this.If you don't wish to trust me, you now have good reason why, or perhaps a very good reason to trust me seeing as how I was honest.Your choice."
Everyone had mixed reactions of what I said, from disgust to horror, all except Fluttershy.
"No, you are not like that! You told us this and I can see in your eyes you are not like those monsters." She then proceeded to hug me, as best she could seeing as I was in a cot,a hug which I happily returned,the rest soon followed in her hoofsteps.
"You, honestly told us this despite how horrible it was, thank you for being honest with us." Twilight said.
"I've still got my eye on you."Dash whispered in my ear.
"Well, I can't blame you" I said and gave the fakest maniacal smile I possibly could.
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Q&A with ponies Pt2 and more split personalities!
Rainbow Dash gasped then yelled
"He's got canines!"
All of the,ridiculously fluffy,ponies backed off.
Real nice you cyan c*nt.You've just destroyed all our hard work!
Shut up Tex! Go back to the dark recessive area of our mind.
Screw yo-*pop*
"Humans don't have to have meat in our diet. We can substitute it with nuts and legumes.Now why don't you all sit down so we can continue this Q&A about humans."
"What else do we need to know?Humans are terrible, war,war,Big bomb,twisted ideas, don't bring them."Rainbow Dash griped.
"Perhaps I should have told you about the better half of humanity?"
It was then that I began to hear music,well I wouldn't call it music so much as an attempt at music,coming from a piano of sorts.
"Where's that music coming from?"
"Oh that, he comes in every week to entertain the sick, but no one has the heart to tell him he's tone deaf."Pinkie replied.
"Twilight, if you could get a nurse to bring me a wheelchair that would be very much appreciated, and Pinkie,could you ask him if I could play a song to demonstrate alien music?"
"Sure""Okie dokie lokie!"
By the time Twilight got back with the chair,the 'pianist' had given his reluctant approval for an alien to play on his piano.
I had the girls help me into my chair, and I rolled to the piano.
Time to teach these ponies a lesson in Beethoven.
As I began playing the music
I gave them a brief lesson on Beethoven.
"Ludwig Van Beethoven was one of histories greatest composer's, he was born in 1770, and died in 1827, by the 1800s, His hearing had massively deteriorated and he was nearly completely deaf. Ironically,most of his greatest,and most well known works came from this time period."
By the time I was finished, everypony that could began doing their equivalent to clapping by clopping their hooves together.
"Dang man, you should be in the equestrian orchestra." The black and white 'pianist' said.
"I wasn't even that good, they teach Earth children that song for beginners.I just really like that song and I thought it would be best to use here."
"Well either way it was good."
"Joseph, that was beautiful,whats it called?"Twilight asked.
"Fur Elise, Funny thing is, I heard he was not only nearly deaf, but inebriated at the time he wrote that, though that might just be an , is urban legend right for this?.Well, either way, the song is about chasing after the one you love and enjoying all the fun times you had with them, only for it to all end too soon."
I noticed Rarity crying on the far side of the room.I rolled over to her and asked,
"Who was it?"
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and her mascara running.
"My Grandmother,she's the one that taught me to sew,and she didn't even live long enough to find out it was my special talent."
"I'm sure wherever she is, she's very proud what you were able to do with her knowledge."
I then gave her the best hug I could seeing as how I was still in the wheelchair.
"Thank you, I think I'll be fine for now."
I sat up and began to roll towards the rest of the girls.
"You know I realized there's something I never asked."
"And what would that be?"Twilight asked.
"What was with that giant black horse thing?"
"That was Nightmare Moon, she is the split personality of Princess Luna brought up by being under appreciated for her night, and wished to bring eternal night. She was banished by being sealed within the moon by Princess Celestia, her older sister."
"That just brings up more questions, How did she plan to do that, how is that possible and what happened while I was knocked out?"
"Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, control the sun and the moon,magic, and we used the elements of harmony to remove Nightmare Moon from her psyche while she was passed out from shock due to you cutting of her horn.The Elements of Harmony are age old relics that are powered by, Kindness, Laughter, Honesty, Loyalty, Generosity and Magic. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, AppleJack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Myself represent them,and in that order.We are the only living beings that can use them."
"So I'm assuming they move the sun and moon by magic right?."
"Yes, why? Do they move the Sun and Moon a different way on your planet?"
"No, they move on their own due to ,their mass and gravitational pull, the Earth is constantly spinning,like a top.After approximately 24 hours it makes a full rotation giving the illusion that the sun and moon are revolving around the Earth."
Twilight was eating this up and writing everything I said down.
"By the way,seeing as how I know you're going to ask,No, I don't know how I got here,all I remember is a tornado and banging my head.Honestly I'd think I was dead if I couldn't remember feeling pain when I broke my legs."
I then saw a nurse walk in with a clipboard in her teeth.
"Judging by her walking in I'm going to assume visiting hours are over."
"Actually, I'm here to see if you want to check out seeing as how you don't need very much treatment anymore,and you've been here a week."the nurse said with a familiar nasily voice.
Dear lord, she sounds just like Fran Drescher.
Hold on did she say we've been here a week ?!?
Sure enough, when I checked my digital watch it said, Sat, 8-7-21 18:37.
"What do you know, My birthdays tomorrow."
"TOMORROW'SYOURBIRTHDAYOHMYGOSHTHISMEANSIGETTOPLAN4PARTYSFORYOU!"Pinkie said very quickly with only one breath.
YOU'VE DOOMED US ALL YOU FOOL!
SHIT SHIT SHIT.
"Pinkie calm down, I only want one party."
"Aw,your no fun Joe-Jack."
"Any ways, may I see that clipboard?"
I quickly signed my John Hancock,and I was surprised to find out they wrote in the same language,peculiar, very peculiar.
"Okay, Joseph Evans, I'll be right back with your stuff."
When she came back with my stuff, I was surprised to see my beretta was still there, ever to keep the ponies trust I said this.
"Twilight, I think you should keep a hold of this."I said and handed her my beretta.
"What is this exactly?"she asked.
"It's a weapon from my world that fires a projectile via a contained explosion.Think of a cannon you can hold in your hoof.
I think your Princess would probably be happier knowing an alien isn't running ,er,rolling around with a weapon but, I would like to keep my cane sword, I promised my Grandfather I'd keep Slica safe."
"Slica?"
"That's what he named her."
"Her?"
"His choice, not mine."
"By the way, the Princess told me on the off chance I deemed you safe I would be the one to look after you. Well, you seem safe enough seeing as how the only time you've attacked is when you were threatened.Let me lead the way to my house."
"Okay then"
Autobots,
Roll out!
As I rolled on in my wheelchair,next to Twilight, I noticed we were heading for a rather large tree.Upon,closer inspection, I found it was a literal tree house. A very large and rather extravagant tree house.
Well,She does have friends in high places.
Also,she did banish away a dictator with no real sense of planning.But,anyone could do that,hell, we nearly cut her damned horn off.Speaking of which,seeing as how her horn got cracked,how has she 'raised the moon' as of recent?
That is a good question. Lets ask.
"Hey Twilight?"
"Yes?"
"How has Princess Luna been raising the moon as of recent, what with the whole, 'Horn getting nearly cut off' thing?"
"Seeing as how alicorns have more power than most unicorns, a single alicorn can do in moments,what would take most doctors today, weeks to do."
We should look up more about this.Seeing as how she's so knowledgable about the subject, I'm assuming she must have some books on the subject.
"By the way, If you have any books on magic I'd love to learn on the subject."
"Funnily enough,I'm a librarian at the local library,'Leaves and Literarature'."
"I'm assuming that's where we are heading,am I correct? If so why are we heading there and not your home?"
"Actually, it doubles as my home, as do most of the buisnesses in ponyville."
Reminds me of my trip to Germany. Wait, was it Germany?
I think so,but I'm not sure.
As we aproached the treehouse, I noticed how all the lights were on and I saw a strange looking shadow through the window.
"Twilight, that anyone you know?"
"Yeah,thats probably Spike."
"Who's Spike?"
"He's a baby dragon that I've been taking care of since he was hatched."
So they have dragons here as well?Hm, I'll probably have to pick up a guide to creatures of this world.You remember the sniper's code from tf2.
Be efficient,
Be polite,
And have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Not to mention our own rule,Plan for anything and everything.Clearly,we need to broaden our horizons.
As Twilight opened the door with a creak,I could hear a child's voice happily say,
"Twilight! I'm glad your back!So,has that apeman woken up yet?"
"Spike! That's no way to talk about, our new guest!" Twilight chastised Spike as she walked in.
"Guest?" I then followed Twilight through the door.
"Wow,your even uglier than I thought."
"SPIKE!"Twilight yelled in frustration, I simply chuckled a bit.
"Now, now, Twilight, calm down, it's natural for a child to sometimes say what's on their mind,and seeing as what his normal viewing range is, yes, I do look pretty fricking ugly."I said,while trying my best to keep a straight face.
"Say,seeing as how your Twilights height sitting down, I'd say your about, 6 feet tall?"
"Yes, I am actually."Speaking of Twilights height, She's four feet tall.
"So can you tell me about your race?" The purple and green dragon asked.Twilight then looked at me with a look of fear to which I replied with a reassuring grin.
"I don't think you'd be interested in, OUR RACE LANDING ON THE MOON!"I exclaimed.
"YOU DID WHAT?!?! Oh I have to hear this."
As I talked to Spike about Neil Armstrong,Edwin E.Aldrin Jr. and Michael Collins, Twilight trotted over to a table and began writing a letter or something, I wonder what she's writing about.
Perspective:Twilight
"I don't think you'd be interested in, OUR RACE LANDING ON THE MOON!"Joseph exclaimed.
For a second there, I thought he was gonna talk about Heisenberg.As much as I'd like to write all this down, I've got to right a letter to the Princess.I trotted over to the table and began writing the letter.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today the creature awoke and we have found out his name being, 'Joseph Evans'.Upon questioning him we have found out his race are very war-like, yet being highly intelligent.Joseph has shown a distaste for his own kind,to the point of advising us to never bring his kind here under any circumstances. He appears non-violent except in a fight or flight situation when flight has been taken away.He has done multiple things in an attempt to gain our trust, even giving us one of the two weapons he carries.A very deadly form of cannon that one can hold in their hoof.The other he has kept because of sentimental reasons.
With all he has done to gain our trust I'm happy to say he has succeeded.This creature seems to be trying to be making a peace attempt.I give him my approval of safety. I've sent you a copy of the transcripts along with this letter, make of them what you will.
Sincerely your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle.
I gathered the transcripts and did a quick copying spell, then I trotted over to Spike and Joseph, whom was finishing up the story of his race's accomplishment of landing on the moon.
" -and when the three came back, they were national heroes for being the first men to fly to the moon, but no one remembers Michael ."
You've got to ask Joseph about that Tomorrow.
Yeah, I know that.
"Spike, could you please send these documents to the Princess?"
"Sure thing Twilight."
He blew his green flames and off they went.
Perspective:Joseph
"-and when the three came back,they were national heroes for being the first men to fly to the moon,but no one remembers Michael."
Like Terry Einstien.
Dang,that is an old reference.
That is about as big of a lie as the cake!
YOU F*CKER! I HAVEN'T FINISHED THAT ONE YET!
How is that even possible seeing as how I have?
I HAVE NO IDEA!
Okay, just because we look like the medic doesn't mean you have to quote him!
NEVER DUMPKOFF
This is starting to get annoying.
SENTRY HERE!
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERF*CKING REFERENCES IN THIS MOTHERF*CKING MIND! CAN WE GET BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND?
You started it on a reference, and ended it on a reference,how fitting.
"Spike,could you please send these documents to the Princess?"Twilight asked the before mentioned dragon.
"Sure thing Twilight."Spike said and blew flames on it.
"Spike,why did you just burn important documents?" I asked, trying to contain my rage seeing as how that was most likely the transcript of the entire Q&A I had with Twilight and her Friends.
"Actually,he just sent them to Princess Celesetia,Spike's particular breed of dragon is a very rare breed that is able to teleport certain objects via flame to a certain place.They would usually use this to get gems to their caves."
So, these dragons basically told Darwin to go f*ck himself,I like them instantly.
Why are you so stereotypically Texan?
Twilight looked at the clock and then said,
"Wow,ten already? Geez,guys,It's time to go to bed,we need to cut down on candles,what with the recent shortage and all in wax."
Spike then burped up a scroll in green flame with the letters 'PC' stamped on the wax seal.
So there's a wax shortage, yet they still use theme for seals on scrolls?
Seems legit.
Twilight took the scroll with her magic and quickly read it.
"So,Twilight what did she say?"I asked.
"She wrote that she's happy to hear you are peaceful, and understands that your sword has sentimental value to you, but she'll only let you keep it if you solemnly swear to only use it in protection of yourself and others."
This seems dodgy, and I already see a loop hole in this that could result out of our favor seeing as how 'in protection of others could mean the ones whom are doing the attacking.She may be leading us into a trap.
Good point,but we can't let that them know that we've thought of this.
I grabbed a bit of parchment,a quill and a bottle of ink. I wrote this
I solemnly swear to protect myself and others from all whom wish for ill will.
Joseph Evans
"Spike,send it" As the green flames engulfed it I heard a voice some where in my head ask this.
What have you done?
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The trail back to a tornado stricken home and a b.l.a.m. worth moment of a sea serpent.
When I awoke, I was surprised to find, I heard music.
Logic, is that from where I think it is?
Yes it is.
Good choice, I love that game.
I then turned over and sat up, and proceeded to pop my back and stretch my arms.I then, carefully, plopped myself into my wheelchair.
Seeing as how I have a wheelchair means that this isn't some weird coma dream.
You're getting sloppy on your knowledge of the human body.A comatose patient has next to zero brain activity, so no dreams.Also,this means that everything that happened with those weird equine things actually happened,I disliked alot of things about our home world,but it was beautiful.There's so much we never got to do.
Logic,we need to come to terms with this,at the very least, relieve this anger and regret.
You're right. Oh shit.
What's wrong?
Remember Grandpa's weapon cache?All those alien weapons in the wrong hands could be disastrous.If they can reverse engineer them, this could start a war.
How?
Every world has a third world country.When you oppress something it will only become stronger and more violent.
Oh shit.THEY'VE JUST BEEN SITTING THERE OVER A WEEK.We need to go back.
Not the guns! We need to gather Nightlight, or whatever her name is, and get them now!
We"ll need to talk to Twilight about us going back there when she wakes up.For now let's look up the races that live here and see what could be possible threats.
Why don't we talk to her about this now?
Yeah!
Because,her room is up the stairs and the guest room is on the bottom floor.
Oh, right
Stairs,every wheelchairs worst enemy.
-3 hours later-
So let's review on the species that make up the majorities of the of the area where certain country would be.
Griffons are in Europe,Zebras are in all of Africa, Diamond Dogs are in Germany,Cows are in Canada and Sweden,Sheep are from Saudi Arabia to Pakistan along with horses, not ponies, Mules and Donkeys are in Mexico, Minotaurs are in Russia, and Dragons are in Ireland and Buffaloes are in most of Australia.
I still find it odd that most of these continents are in,more or less the same areas as the continents back home.
That and just how different the countries states of being are to Earth.
Yes,most of Gryphus is a third world country,and Britain is completely missing.
I know, its like someone literally just cut it out of that spot.But not everything here can be the same for convenience.
Then I heard the creak of a door and a clopping sound.
"Twilight! So nice of you to join me in a session of early morning studying!"
"Wow,You're up already?How long have you been up?"
"I don't know,feels like I've been up for about thirty minutes or so."
I then checked my watch and winced.
"Holy Sh-, Shoot. I've been up for three hours."
"Wow, are you always an early riser?"
"No, just couldn't get back to sleep.I had something on my mind.You remember that weapon I gave you?My Grandfather had an arsenal of that kind of stuff and other kinds of weaponry.I thought it would be a bad Idea to just leave that stuff in there where anyone can find it.I didn't think it would be a good idea to go alone without a guide to help me find my way back to my house.It's only about a mile away from that castle."
"Hold on,are you saying that an arsenal of cannons that can fit in a pony's hoof have been sitting in the middle of the everfree forest for over a week?"
"Yes,You and me have got to go in there and bring them here for safe keeping."
"Hold on,wouldn't they be safer there?Most ponies are too terrified of the Everfree to be looking around there."
"Yes, but whose to say another race wouldn't eventually go exploring in there and possibly find the weapons? We can't let that be a possibility."
"Your right.We need to get them back here as soon as possible.I'll round up the girls."
"That might not be necessary,All we need is a small cart,and some bright ribbon to tie along the trees to help us find our way back.A large group of ponies going into a forest that many fear will draw too much attention,We can't have anyone knowing about that house until we clean it of anything potentially dangerous."
"Well then we better get those supplies and get those weapons out of there,The longer they are out there, the higher probability of something coming across those weapons."
-45 minutes later-
After quickly heading to AppleJack's farm and to Rarity's business,Carousel Boutique,We had a small cart and 10 yards of highlighter yellow ribbon.
It's a good thing most of the ponies were still asleep.I don't want to know how they would have reacted to an ape thing walking around.
I'm still surprised we weren't spotted,though I did think I saw something teal move at one point,I couldn't tell what it was though.
Let's hope it was nothing.Now back to what we were doing.
Twilight was leading me towards the castle from what she remembered. Every ten yards or so I etched a large ring in a tree using Slica for the first 40 yards or so until we were more or less out of view of any possible villagers.Then,from that point on I wrapped some yellow ribbon around a tree so if for whatever reason we need to find our way here at night.
As I looked around these woods I began to notice a bit more then I had originally.The woods themselves were dark and gave an eerie feeling from the place.Though I must admit,as eerie as it was, it was fairly beautiful.There was a wide variety of bewitchingly, beautiful flowers and plants.This forest was beautiful but deadly,no less than five times did I see an animal take a bite out of a plant then fall over dead or paralyzed.If I didn't know better,I'd say the forest was giving us a warning.
Something was disturbing me,not the fact I saw a few animals die from flowers that looked like simple flowers,it was a sound somewhere not too far off,the sound of flapping wings.I looked behind me and noticed something very far back from where we came, a single cyan feather.
"Twilight, stop right here."
"Why?"
"I think were being followed by a friend of yours" I then pointed to the cyan feather.
"DASH!"Twilight shouted to the before mentioned pegasus.
"Buck!"
Dash then slowly descended from the thick canopy of the forest.
"Why did you follow us?"
I then ste-, rolled, in between the two of them.
"It's kind of obvious actually.She doesn't trust me and when you see one of your friends entering a place that you know is dangerous with someone you don't trust,you get worried and follow them."
"Well,yeah."The pegasus responded.
"Well that's completely understandable.You only wished to make sure your friend was fine,If I remember correctly you were the element of loyalty,Yes?Well it would be against your nature to let your friend be put into possible harm's way."
"Yeah, I guess" She now looked at me with unease,obviously because she was probably creeped out.
I find it odd how I'm able to figure out a person's character easily, but read emotions almost worse then Sheldon Cooper.
Which is what I'm here for.We make such a great team.
"Well the more the merrier! But first things first,You weren't followed yourself were you?"
"No."
"Good, We'll fill you in on the way."
- 10 minutes later-
"So how many of these 'guns' do you have at your house in the woods?"
"Well,if I rember correctly,about 5 or 6 with 3 boxes of ammo each."
"WHAT?!?"They both exclaimed/asked in unison.
"Yeah, my Grandfather was a gun nut even though ironically he was a field medic in the Korean war."I said very stoically.
"Your speaking about these wars as if they were nothing."Was Twilight's response.
"Well, wars happened every couple of decades or so.Luckily,not too many wars were fought on Us soil so I haven't been in war.I know men go out there to lose their lives to make sure we are able to have freedom of speech and civil rights, but I don't understand why people can't just agree to disagree.Then again,you sadly didn't get the human that knows the most about our history.The Texas education system is complete shite.I swear, I only learned about Texas and the civil war from 4th grade to 8th grade.My history teachers in high school assumed I knew enough about world history already, so they only taught me about modern politics.Luckily,I have a few history books back home that I'm sad to say I've never read."
That last sentence gave me a 'seriously?' look from Dash and Twilight.
"What? I honestly didn't think I needed to know as much about history as much as I medicine seeing as how I was planning on becoming a Doctor."
As,I followed the two, I noticed the trail led to a river with no bridge.
"So how do you expect us to swim across with my broken legs?"
"We have an old friend that lives in the lake."Twilight responded.
"Steven!"Dash yelled
"Who's Stev-WHOA!" Suddenly a very large purple serpent rose from the lake.One of the first thing I noticed was the sheen of his scales,that and he had a pompadour and a moustace.The second thing,being one-half of his moustache looked to be partially made up of what looked like Rarity's tail.Several things ran through my mind, three being these
OH FUCK!
WHY DOES HE HAVE RARITY'S TAIL FOR A MOUSTACHE?!?
KILL IT NOW!
"Hello girls!Steven Magnet,at your service!"
Why does he sound so flamboyant?
Welp.Now I've seen everything.
"So,how do the girls know you exactly?"I asked the sea serpent.(Which was approximately 100 feet tall.)
"Well you see,their generous friend,Rarity I believe her name was,assisted me in my time of need when half of my gorgeous moustache was shaved clean off."The very flamboyant and possibly homosexual sea serpent said.
Well,that explains it I suppose.
I still can't get over just how flamboyant he sounds.
Just roll with it.
*looks at wheelchair*Oh, you bastard!
Sorry.
"So,can you help us across?"I asked.
"Sure,I'll just bend over and you can ride me."Steven said.
DEAR
GOD
WHY?
Dash snickered at this for obvious reasons.
"Was it something I said?"The sea serpent asked.
"No,Dash just has a very dirty mind."
He then nodded then blushed at the realization which was then followed by him gagging at the thought.
Well,that solves one mystery.
The ideas still nasty though.
He then stuck his body into the water and made himself into a bridge.A very shakey and wobbly bridge.Twilight crossed first with Dash helping her with the small cart we brought.
Well,just us left to cross.
Yep,you,me,Tex,Cuckoo,and Rage.
Hey,now that I think about it.We haven't heard much from those two in a couple of days.
Let's hope it stays that way.I can barely handle Tex as it is.
Screw you!
What?You got a problem with crazy?
IF WE WEREN'T IN THE SAME BODY I'D DISMEMBER YOU ALL!
Guys,we are all aspects of the same person so we need to stick together,calm down,AND CROSS THIS BLOODY SERPENT ALREADY!
I looked at the slippery body of the sea serpent,then looked at the two mares on the other side.
How the hell did they get across this guy?
I don't know.Just roll carefully and hum a happy tune to keep yourself calm.
I looked again at the sea serpent.
"Hurry it up already! We haven't got all day!"The very colorful pegasi said.
I took a deep breath,and began humming the happiest tune I could possibly think of, and began rolling.
Out there,theres a town outside of yonkers,Way out there beyond this hicktown Barnaby,there's a slick town Barnaby.Out there,full of shine and full of sparkle,close your eyes and see it glisten Barnaby,LISTEN BARNABY!
By this point I was only about a quarter of the way.
Put on your sunday clothes there's lots of world out there!Get out the brilliantine and dime cigars,We're gonna find some adventure in the evening air!Girls in white, with a perfumed night where the lights are bright as the stars!
Half way.
Put on your sunday clothes we're gonna ride through town,in one of those new horse drawn open cars!
three fourths.
We'll see the shows at Delmonico's,
and we'll close the town in a whirl!
By this point I had reached the end of the serpent and rolled off,and joined the girls on the other side.
And we won't come home until we've kissed a girl!
I mentally wrapped up the song in my head that I heard so long ago,and continued with the girls into the forest but not before a certain gun loving split personality could say anything about our performance.
That would have been a much better performance if Logic didn't sound like the lovechild of a Dalek and Hal 9000.
I hate you so much sometimes.
Go exterminate some astronauts you freak
Thats it, dark recessive area of the mind you go.
Oh fu-*pop*
-20 minutes later-
"Well,we've finally made it."
"It's about-WOAH!"Dash exclaimed
"Joseph,It's-"Twilight said as she unhitched herself and Dash from the cart we brought.
"I know,I see it."I replied.
I looked upon the house and only was it now that I noticed just how bad the damages were.
The entire house was battered and scracthed up from the arrival.The shingles were everywhere within a 10 yard radius of the house and most of the windows were shattered.The green paint was all but gone and there were large breaks and cracks in the walls everywhere.But, the strangest thing was the door was busted in and cracked in half.
That can't be good.
I immediately went to the door and rolled inside,where I was greeted with a foul odor that could have caused a maggot to shrivel up and die.I gagged at the smell and my eyes began to water.Twilight immediatley followed me.
"Joseph! whats wro-SWEET CELESTIA."Twilight exclaimed in disgust.
"Ugh,it smells like something died in here,or worse."Dash said as she entered.
Seriously,this smell was bad.It was a mix of piss,feces,sour milk,rancid cheese, and a sock that's been worn by an athlete for thirty years without ever being washed.
"I hope your place doesn't usually smell like this."Dash continued.
"It doesn't. But listen,this shouldn't take too long.First off Twilight,you wanted to learn about my world's history right?Well,go down that hallway,"
I pointed to the hallway to our left.
"Second door on the right is my Grandmothers entire collection of literature.Second bookcase is full of my worlds history and on the third shelf there should be a bible on the far left side on it,in case you want to learn about my races main religion.Also,be careful we don't know what might have got in here."
"Got it."She replied and raced to the room mentioned before.I looked to Dash.
"Dash,I can't go up the stairs.So I'm going to need you to get some clothes for me.My room should be the first door on the left."I told her.
"Why do you need clothes, when Rarity will make you clothes?"Dash asked with a slightly rude tone.
"Because, I don't have any money and I don't like to feel like a mooch.I already feel bad enough as it is having to send you up there as it is."Dash gave me a smirk and said
"Well,fine.I understand how that feels like sometimes.Anything you'll need in specifics?"
"Well, Four polos, Three pairs of pants,One pair of shorts,Six pairs of undergarments, Three pairs of socks, and my black hoodie.Oh and if you can find it,My black baseball cap."Dash gave me a 'seriously' look at this.
"How am I supposed to bring all that, why do you need so many clothes, and what are you going to be doing?"
"Nudity is a taboo where I came from.Also,I don't know how long I'll be here,though I'm estimating a few months. While you do that I'm going to be grabbing the weapons from my Grandfather's study."I then proceded to give her the backpack I brought along.
"They should all fit in here.Also,the black baseball cap is for you.I'd think you'd look good with one."
She blushed at this and replied.
"Yeah,I guess I would look pretty awesome with one."She then flew up the stairs with the pack.
Clearly,flattery will get you anywhere.
Oi!Don't become a douchebag!You just manipulated her you prick!
What?She would look good in a black cap though.
I then rolled down the hall way and to the first room on the right.Well,here we go.I then opened the door and rolled in.
I looked at all the familiar war memorabillia.
To think,our family has fought in every war since the civil war and not a single one has died since the first world war.
Yes.I still find it funny how Grandpa was a medic in the korean war and how he was a dead ringer for the medic from team fortress 2.
I then looked at the oil painting that he had done of himself that was next to my Grandmother's oil painting.
My gaze then went to a picture of a child with his mother and his Grandparents.
I remember all those time when Grandma said 'oh you look so much like your Grandpa Thomas when he was your age!'.
I miss all those times when Grandma taught me Piano lessons.
I miss the times when Grandpa taught us how to shoot with only a crossbow when we were twelve.
I remember when Mom taught us how to deal with all those bullies.
So do I.
Guys, as much as I'd like to just sit here and remember them.We have a job to do.
Can we at least bring the picture?
It'll take up some room but yes,I think it will be worth it.
I carefully removed the picture of Me and the rest of my family.
"What the hell is that?"I was of course talking about the large hole that was behind the picture with a 12X6X3 inch metal box inside.I carefully pulled out the metal box and opened it.
"Holy shit."
The contents inside was my Grandfather's old bonesaw.
It actually looks like the medic's this is too funny, and a little bit disturbing.
On the bonesaw was a note in old ink.Here is what it said.
Dear Joseph,
I'm glad you found this.That is,if it is you who is reading this and not some damned thief.I know that you may one day need this so I am happy to say I pass down to you the family bonesaw.This bone saw has a lot of history in it.More than you may ever know.It is regret that I may never see the day you find this,my health is declining and I doubt I'll survive the month.May this bonesaw serve you well.
P.s. His name is Cutter.
I held the bonesaw in my hands and examined the blade.
Dear Lord!It looks sharp enough to slice through steel!
This blade was truly a work of art.
Remember the task at hand!We need to gather the weapons.
Right.
I quickly regained my focus and headed to the gun racks.
"Let's see,Pump Shotgun,check,Two hunting Rifles,check,Revolver,check,Beretta,check.Where's the melee weapons?"
I looked around then the memory returned to me.I went to the far left corner of the wall and pulled up the wooden floor board revealing, an Axe, a crowbar, a machete, an aluminum bat, and an old bowie knife, all of which that I knew from memory were tightly packed into a duffel bag along with three boxes of ammo each.
I quickly gathered the handguns and rifles and put them in a pile.That was when something caught my eye on Grandpa's old bookshelf. A world war two era gas mask.
Better grab that.That could be really helpful in the future, or perhaps right now.
I quickly put it in the duffel bag.I set the duffel bag on my lap along with the rifles and the box containing Cutter.I put Slica on top of everything and I carefully rolled out trying my hardest not to let any of what I had with me fall over.
I went out side and found Twilight with two saddlebags bulging full of books,
Okay,she did NOT have those earlier.
and Dash with a full backpack awkwardly around her left hind leg,wearing the before mentioned baseball cap.
She does look good with it,I'll give you that Joseph.
"Woah!That is alot of small cannons."Dash said with quite a bit of surprise.
"Yes it is.Luckily,none of them had been taken,though it does beg the question why would something get into that house if they weren't looking for something and what were they?"
"I don't know but let's not stay here and find out."Twilight responded.She then put her saddle bags into the cart and we followed in her hoofsteps and put our gear into the cart as well.It was then that I noticed the rancid smell emanating from my Grandparent's old home seemed to be getting stronger,actually, it didn't smell like it was coming from the home anymore it smelled like it was coming from the fores-Oh shit.
"Twilight!We need to get the weapons and prepare for battle now!"
"WHAT?"
"The smell is getting closer,that means that something made that house it's new home and they are coming back!If they can break down a door,then I do not want to fight them with my fists."
I quickly rolled to the back of the cart and pulled out the axe and machete.
"Dash,take the axe,Twilight take the machete."
"Why don't we just use the small cannons and blow them back to Tartarus?"Dash asked.
"If we do that we may just bring down everything within a mile radius down ontop of us. Those things are frickin' loud"I replied.
I opened the box containing Cutter and grabbed the bonesaw.
Grandpa,forgive me if this blade comes to harm,but I think this would be a better weapon against a beast then your old cane sword.
Dash grasped the axe between her teeth and Twilight held the machete in her magic.
Then we heard a rustling in the woods and, you remember what I said earlier about the tornado?Yeah,this was f*cking worse this was so F*CKING WORSE!What came out was three beasts each about 4 1/2 feet tall in height and had glowing green eyes.It looked like the damned things were literally made out of wood.Imagine a bunch of twigs and sticks were glued together in the shape of a ferocious wolf.Doesn't sound scary?Well it F*CKING IS WHEN YOU ARE STARING IT IN THE F*CKING EYES.Then again, it culd have been the one I was looking directly at was clearly the Alpha.It's build was a bit bigger and it's position in the middle dignified it as the leader.
"TIMBER WOLVES"The girls shouted. I'd laugh if I hadn't nearly shat myself.I got my bonesaw ready and tried to stay calm.
"Twilight,you take the one on the left,Dash,you take the one on the right.I'll take big and ugly.Got it?"
"Got it."they replied in unison.
"Alright then.LET'S DO THIS! "
Righty pounced first and dash swung her axe.The axe hit the creature in it's stomach.
Lefty pounched towards Twilight whom shot her machete flying into it's front left paw.
Big and Ugly pounced last at me and raked his claws across my shirt.
Dash was still hacking away at Righty everytime he tried to pounce.
Twilight pulled her machete out of Lefty and plunged it into his eye.
I sunk Cutter into BaU throat.I then flicked my wrist and his head came clean off.
Righty had finally avoided Dash attacks with little less than a few scratches and a missing left front leg.He then proceded to pounce on top of her.
I tossed Cutter through the air at Righty where it sank into the wooden wolf forehead.
I looked to my left and I saw Twilight pull out the Machete with her teeth (and Lefty's eyeball) and sent it down Lefty's throat as he made his last yelp of pain.
As the last timber wolf fell I couldn't help but laugh and think.
What do you know?I've just killed a wooden wolf with a rainbow maned cyan pegasus and a booksmart purple unicorn.Look's like there IS a first time for everything!
Wow, that was really anticlimactic.
At least we were able to deal with that quick.
I looked at Twilight, whom still had that wild look in her eyes.
"Geez Twilight, where did you learn to fight like that?"
"My brother is Captain of the royal guard.He taught me this when I was seventeen in case I needed to defend myself."
"Well, it's a good thing he did.From the looks of what you did to that thing,"I then pointed to the timberwolf on the ground with a machete down it's throat."I would not like to fight you."
"Well,thanks I guess."Twilight said, unsure of whether this was a good thing or not.Rainbow Dash flew in and joined in on the conversation.
"Hey, what about me?"She asked.
"Well, you did good if it weren't for the fact you nearly got tagged but otherwise very well." I rolled over to Twilight's wolf and carefully pulled out the machete.I then went to Dash's and pulled out Cutter.I looked at these odd wooden wolves , amazed at how they were able to move.I looked at the girls and asked a question.
"You wouldn't mind if I dissected them would you?"
They both replied in unison a very surprised and slightly disgusted
"What?"
"What?I'm curious about how they're able to move.They don't appear to have any joints or ligaments,let alone able to have a fully functioning brain.I've got to know,FOR SCIENCE!"
Fun fact, if you give the reason 'for science' you can pretty much do whatever you wish.Which brings me to what happens next.
"It's disgusting and degrading to the dead.But,we could be the first po- sentient being duo to do an autopsy on a timberwolf.We just might be able to learn how they are able to live and what there weak points are for pony protection."Twilight said, which very much disturbed me.
Clearly there is more to this unicorn than what meets the eye,we must be cautious.
I went over to My wolf which had the least amount of damage (Despite the fact it was missing it's head.) and slowly began cutting where it's ribcage would be with my bonesaw.After about an inch in,the ribcage just imploded on itself to reveal there was nothing inside.No heart,no lungs,and of course, no blood.
"Well,that's a bit anticlimactic.Well, let us get started on the head."
I moved over to the head a few feet from the timberwolf's body and slowly started cutting.It quickly cracked in half to reveal, it was hollow as well.Though,it had a strange green sap within.
"Twilight,you wouldn't have happened to bring a-"My sentence was cut short by Twilight handing me a small mason jar.
Seriously,where does she keep getting this stuff?
I carefully poured a small amount of the strange liquid into the jar, using the head as a pitcher,then quickly sealed the jar.
"Well,that will be fun to examine."The purple unicorn said enthusiastically while,Dash was looking at the green liquid in amazement and disgust.
"Well, now that you got your timber goo can we get back to Ponyville?Don't want the birthday boy to be late for his own party."
My pupils shrank,at least I think they did,It felt like it.Twilight looked at me in shock.She then said in an apologetic tone,
"I can't believe I forgot it was your Birthday!How old are you any ways?".I then replied,
"I'm twenty-one.Hold on a sec,I just realized I forgot something important in the house."I replied.I the quickly rolled towards the house and entered inside where I was greeted with the foul odor from before.Eyes slowly watering,I rolled towards the living room and got the two bottles of whiskey,and one bottle of peppermint schnapps my Grandfather always kept on top of the fireplace (Why we needed one in Texas I'll never know.).I then returned outside and quickly caught up with the girls with the bottles in my lap.
"Whiskey?Peppermint schnapps?You're a drinker?"Twilight asked me with a look of distaste but Dash quickly cut in and showed her enthusiasm.
"Yes!I've always wanted a drinking buddy!"
"Actually,I've never drunk any of this before,this is my Grandfather's collection of alcohol."
"Oh,thank goodness."Twilight said,relief washing over her face.
"Aw."Rainbow Dash said.
Perhaps she drinks to get rid of the sorrows of her childhood.Perhaps she never met her mother,perhaps complications at birth?Maybe her father wanted a boy and he ended up with a girl and no way of gettig a boy he could call his own?He could have pushed her to act like a boy and she would have went along with it seeing as how there might not have been anyone to tell her otherwise.Maybe she only just realized this recently.
I think you're reading too much into this.
I think you're not reading deep enough into this.
Can you two shut up!Rage is trying to sleep in the green room!
Wait,there's a green room in there?
Yes,it's quite nice.
How is that possib- you know what, I don't want to know.Just keep quiet I need to focus on what's going on and get back to the village.
"Well, we better get a move on.We don't want to keep those part guests waiting."
I then walked along with the girls pulling the cart down the path of yellow ribbon.
"Follow the yellow lined road,Follow the yellow lined road,follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow lined road!"I merrily sang.
-An hour later-
"Well, we finally made it back and out of that forest."I looked around and I could see a vast array of technicolor ponies shopping at a market a whiles away from where we were.Luckily,it didn't look like anyone had seen us.
"Well, this little adventure was fun, I'm going to go set up the clouds, we're supposed to get some rain tommorrow."Dash said, and then flew off.
Bye cyan c*nt! Nobody likes you!
See, this is why we don't let you come out of the recessive area of our mind often.
I then turned to Twilight and asked,
"So, how are we going to get to the treehouse,which is in the middle of town, from where we are now without being seen?"to which Twilight replied,
"Oh, I'll just teleport us there."Twilight then smiled at me,to which I replied with a very frustrated look.
"So, you're saying that you could have teleported to the castle and teleported us back after we got the supplies?"She then looked at me with an 'oh you' face and said,
"If I were to have done that it would have drained my magic use for the day with one trip with just me, let alone Me, you, Dash and the supplies."
"Okay then,I'm going to trust you on that seeing as how I don't know very much about magic other than you can cast it with that horn of yours."
Then, their was a flash of light and the feeling of rushing wind.Next thing I know,I'm in the library with my ears ringing.
I see Spike holding a scroll and a small pink envelope with a few different colored balloons.Slowly my hearing returned.
"-ilight! Letter from the Princess!"He then handed her the scroll with the wax seal."Oh, and Joseph, this letter's for you."He then handed me the pink envelope,that was strangely bubblegum scented.Before I could even open my envelope,Twilight began reading her letter from the Princess.
"My dearest student,Twilight Sparkle and her new house guest Joseph Evans.I have gotten a letter from a certain pink pony that today is Joseph's birthday.I would like to tell you both about my planned visit into Ponyville to not only wish Joseph a very happy birthday, but so that I may see him for myself.That, and to assure everypony that you are indeed peaceful.I know for a fact there are some that may jump to conclusions(Namely three florists sisters that have been known to cause panics in the past over so much as an odd looking bee.),I would also like to have a conversation with Joseph.It's not often a new sentient life form is found in ones lifetime,even one with as long a lifetime as me.I'll be arriving around 7:30 pm."
"Well that's interesting."I said quite plainly.Twilight then looked at me with a crazy look in her eye.
"Interesting?INTERESTING!?! We only have about 9 hours to teach you proper etiquette of dealing with the Princess!"
"Twilight,calm down.I know how to deal with public officials.Don't be brash,don't swear,look them in the eye but don't appear threatening, and bow seeing as how it's royalty, but the best I can do in a wheelchair is salute, and of course use proper table manners and anything I don't know we can just blame my lack of time here on it.Besides, it's going to be a party anyways and I'm sure she must feel more alien than me seeing as how everyone would be bowing to her, and she probably doesn't get to be like a normal pony anyways, so it would be a nice change from everything to just act normal."
Twilight looked at me with a look of uncertainty, then sighed and said,
"You're probably right."
"Now, I haven't even read my letter yet,hold on a sec."I then opened the letter and read it aloud,
"You're invited to the birthday party/welcome to ponyville party/welcome to this world party of this towns newest addition Joseph Evans!Today he is turning twenty-one and this is his first birthday in Equestria!We hope you come and enjoy all the cake and bring presents.From your neighborhood party planner Pinkie Pie!"After I had finished I looked to Twilight and asked,
"Well, we got nine hours to burn what do you want to do?"
"I don't know about you, but I'm going to read one of the books from your house that caught my eye."
"Oh yeah? What is it?"
"Fifty shades of Grey."
NO
GOD
WHY?
After Me,Twilight, and Spike had put all of the weaponry safely away in the library's basement,Twilight rushed up to her room and began reading 'Fifty shades of Gray',much to my dismay.
I'm still disturbed that Grandma owned that acursed book.
First chance I get,I'm burning it.I do not want a book like that representing the human race.
Speaking of books, let's see what Twilight brought from our old home.
I looked through the saddlebags, and found everybook I expected to be in there.
"War and Peace, Les Miserables,Lord of the Rings,Earth:A History of Our Planet and Us,Misery,(Huh, wouldn't have thought she would have been interested in that.)Mark Twain's best works,Stories and Poems of Edgar Allen Poe,Brothers Grimm, (How did she know she should have gotten those?I guess the golden pages.) The Harry Potter collection,(Should have expected that, oh she'll love Hermione.)."It was then that something caught my eye,most of the cover was covered by other books, but a human skull could be visible on the otherwise black cover of the book.I quickly pulled the book out of the bag and read the title, and when I did I almost squealed with glee.'The Ins and Outs of The Human Body.'If my memory serves me right, Twilight is the element of magic,there are spells that can heal broken bones, but it would take days or weeks for the average unicorn to be able to fully heal a broken limb.Twilight is no average unicorn and she now has the template for the entirety of the human body.
Logic, could you give your analysis?
Analysis:Hell yes!
I could kiss that purple b*tch!
Note to self:(literally) Work on Tex's pottymouth.
F*ck you!
That's it.Rage! Could you deal with him?
Sure.
Oh fu-*POP*
See you guys later.*POP*
I then noticed Spike leaning against one of the built in bookshelves of the library.He then walked over to me and picked up the first Harry Potter book, then began reading the back of the book.His eyes quickly went wide after a few seconds.
"There are Dragons in your world?What are they like?"He asked me.I then replied with,
"No Spyro,Dragons are only of myth and fairytale,much like how griffons,minotaurs,unicorns, and pegasi are where I'm from.Just us humans,can you believe out of all the possibilities the multiverse has to offer we end up with us being us being the only sentient beings on the planet?"
Spike thought on that for a moment, then asked about the nickname I gave him.
"Spyro?Who's that?"
"A purple dragon that was very famous in media from my world.By the way, if you wish to read the book, feel free to, just be careful.As of right now, that is technically a first edition."
He then went over to the sofa in the middle of the room, sat down, and began reading J.K.Rowling's work.I then decided to restart Les Miserables and read it in my room.But before I reached the door I stopped for a moment and asked Spike the date.Apparently, it's February 28th, which will now be my birthday in this world,assuming I'm staying here for the long term.A normal person would probably cry over all the things they lost to come here,but I've already lost everything long before I came here.
-8 hours later-
Well, it's almost time for the party.Luckily, I've already got my black hoodie and white polo on.I noticed Twilight and Spike already waiting for me by the door.I asked for a minute or two more and quickly grabbed the peppermint schnapps. Hey,Princesses deserve better than whiskey!We then rolled on to 'Sugarcube Corner',the establishment that is apparently hosting the party.When we got there I was greeted by a very large gingerbread-esque building with the name of the establishment painted to look like it was made of sweets and baked goods.I then noticed all the ponies outside giving me strange looks.If I remember correctly,the letter Pinkie gave out said I was an alien,so I'm assuming they thought I had tentacles, and a smalller mouth that pops out of my larger mouth or something.I then rolled towards an orange pony that was very thin and had a pan of brownies as a cutie mark."I'm assuming you're the store owner?"He then replied nervously,
"Y-Yes, I am.I'm assuming that you're the guest of honor.The alien?"I then looked at him smugly and said
"Technically,I'm not the guest of honor."I then heard the sound of trumpets and other instruments associated to royal fanfair.
Speak of the Devil,
and he shall appear.
I then saw a golden carriage pulled by four white stallions in golden armor pulling said carraige.In the carraige I saw a very large white being with hair that blew forever in the wind even when none was present.Her eyes were of a beautiful magenta.She just radiated elegance and beauty,Yet, there was something about her that infuriated me.I saw everything about her in that one moment when are eyes locked.I could see the troubles she wnet through having to banish her own sister, running a country on her own, and trying to keep order.(I am no anarchist, let me say that first.I love order, really I do.Without it we would have chaos[Obviously.].)I would think from what I was told that we would get along well(According to what Twilight told me about her after she got through the book.),but there was something I saw in her that just made me hate her.Is this what it feels like looking into the eyes of Ares?Now, this all hapened in about the span of three seconds and it was very confusing.But luckily,I'm good at being stoic.So,I kept a straight face and gave her a salute.She looked at me with wide eyes, but, she quickly regained her composure.
"It's so nice to finally meet this 'human' I've been hearing so much about."I looked at her with a smile and said
"The feeling is shared,Celestia."There was a very large and collective gasp around the area.
Oh sh*t.We done f*cked up didn't we?
Let's talk to the Sun about Guns.
All these looks of shock at me,simply because I called the apparent embodiment of the sun by her first name.I then told Celestia,
"Pardon me for breaking royal etiquette, but I can tell that one would be tired if it was used on them for over a thousand years,am I correct?"
"Yes Joseph, I must admit, after so long it can become tiresome."Celestia said, which brought the technicolor ponies around me at ease.
Now that I think about it, we should probably tell Celestia about the weapons cache we brought from our old home.
Agreed, we shall tell her in private.Can't risk anyone finding out about the weapons, and even less how they work.
"Celestia,may I talk to you in private, about something Twilight may have mentioned in her letter to you?"
She was able to feign a look of calm in front of everyone, but I could tell she knew what I was talking about.Twilight clearly isn't stupid, so I would have known she would have told her about the guns.She nodded and followed me inside.The orange store owner from before came to us and said,
"Your Majesty!You may use the sugar cellar if you'd like for this private conversation."
"That would be very much appreciated Mr.Cake."She said in response.
Celestia and her guards went in first, while Pinkie stopped me to give me a red cupcake with icing,
"Red Velvet, your favorite!"I replied with,
"Thank ya' lass."I then followed Celestia down into the cellar with her guards.
The insides of the cellar was filled with barrels and sacks of different items one would think a sweets shop would have.
Molasses,flour,sugar,sarsparilla,icing, Wait, they have an entire barrel full of icing?Damn.Of course, it wouldn't be a cellar without a dim light and a poorly made,square,wooden table with only two chairs.Well, I say chairs but there were actually just two halves of a barrel placed on each side.Either way, the entire room gave off an eerie feeling.Celestia sat at the barrel on the side closest to the entrance, and I rolled to the side farthest from the door and placed the cupcake on the table.I looked at each one of the guards that came, and noticed they all looked exactly the same.
"So, why do they all look the same?Some kind a spell, or just alot of dye?"Celestia chuckled then said,
"No, it's a spell on the armor to keep their identities a secret."
"Well,if they're willing to be here to listen to this,they will need to take them off.I don't want this information to leave this room until it has either been approved for equestrian military use, or the reproduction of this is made for whatever other use it could possibly have."
All the guards got wide eyed, but they all stayed and took their helmets off revealing their trueselves.
The leader, stood infront of me.He had a black body,gray eyes, and bright red hair,he then stated his name as "Smoulder."
The lieutenant stood forward next.He had a silver body,blood red eyes,and dark grey hair,"Silver Streak."
The Sargeant walked forward,He had a grayish-blue body, rainbow colored hair in a mohawk,and amber eyes."Rainbow Blitz."
I then asked him the question that would have been on anyones mind at this point "You wouldn't happen to be related to Rainbow Dash would you?"
"She's my daughter."
KILL HIM NOW!
JESUS, CALM DOWN!
Yeah, we don't even know if your assumption was true.
ASK THE SON OF A BITCH THEN!
"I bet you must be so proud of her being an element of harmony."
"Yes I am.I just wish her mother was still alive today, she didn't even live long enough to see her sonic rainboom."
See!Wait, her what?
"Sonic Rainboom?"
"Oh my daughter will tell you all about that later, all you got to do is ask."
We have got to ask her, NOW!
After we talk about the guns.
Then, the private stood forward, he had a green body,dark green hair, and guess the color of his eyes?Yep,green.
"B-blur."He studdered.
"Well, now that we have all met eachother,let's get down to the matter at hand."I pulled out the berretta.
"This is the object we are going to study today."I pulled out the single bullet I brought along."This is a bullet.It contains gunpowder and copper."I pulled the hammer back on the gun."The hammer strikes the back of the bullet thus creating a small contained explosion, launching the copper at high speeds, and penetrating the object in front of the barrel of the guns."I then pointed at the barrel of the gun.Celestia and the rest of the guards were shocked at this.
"How the Tartarus have we not thought of this yet?" Rainbow Blitz said.
"Because humans are innovators,oh the things we have created could have your scientists stumped for years, and your heads spinning for a millennium.
Celestia looked at me and said,"This is amazing, though it may not seem like it, Equestria is constantly nearing the edge of war.This invention could keep us off the blade's edge.I will give you a stipend for your research in this matter in the hope that you could replicate these items.Though,if I find out your harming any of my precious ponies, I will make sure you burn in Tartarus."The look she gave me made me understand why I unrationally hate her.It was the look of someone who's determined to keep the ones they love safe, but has failed far too many times. It is the same look I see every morning in the mirror.
View Online
A Doctor, a Sweetmaker, and Human researcher.
I took a bite out of the cupcake that had nearly been forgotten,and after swallowing said,"I've already taken an oath to protect them, and I'm not crazy enough to anger a goddess."
Which is why we should kill her first!
That doesn't sound very well thought through.
Which is why I'm the insane one and you're just a driver!
"That's good to hear, after the party is done I'll give the ponies my approval on you.Also, could you send Twilight down? I wish to speak to her."Celestia said.I gave her a nod and headed up.The entirety of the guests at the party were talking,eating, or dancing to what sounded like Techno .I looked around for the source of the music, and saw a blue-haired dj at a turntable with purple glasses.I decided to just search for Twilight to send her to Celestia.I noticed her listening to a brown stallion with messy hair, an hourglass for a cutie mark and a scottish accent.I rolled towards her and overheard a portion of the conversation that nearly made me squee like a fangirl.
"-more like a ball of wibbly wobbly, timey whimey,stuff."
YES!
Be subtle!
Ask him to allow you to join him on his adventures!
"Twilight, the Princess would like to speak with you."Twilight quickly headed down to the cellar.I sat down next to the pony and checked the time on my watch.
"Got the correct time?"
"Yeah, it's 9:30, February 28th 1000nth year in the sister's reign.Supposedly around this time the first alien had come here.In fact this is his party.I heard he's a human.I wonder where he i-"It was at this point that his well known obliviousness had worn off, and he realized who I was.
"Wow, I can't believe I didn't notice you we're the one I was talking about."He said a bit sheepishly.
"Well,It's nice to meet you too, doctor."His eyes got wide, and his expression became stony.
"You tell a soul who I am, and I will send you into a dwarf star's core.I'm trying to live a quiet life for a few years."
"Understandable,You do enough for us humans, and these ponies as well apparently. Just try to get any stragglers that may have followed you here.I don't want to end up being the one that runs into one of the spud heads,know what I mean?"He chuckled a a bit.
"Spud heads, thats a good one."
I then noticed something teal in the corner of my eye.I quickly turned my head and saw a unicorn and earth pony staring at me.The earth pony had a two toned mane of pink and blue,with a cream colored body and light blue eyes.The unicorn was teal, and her hair was also two toned a lighter teal and white.Her eyes were a briliant hazel.The teal one then said,
"We need to talk."
Perspective:Twilight
I walked into the cellar to meet with my teacher, whom was sitting at the table, accompanied by her royal guard.
"Hello my student, please sit down."I did as told and asked,
"There was something you wished to talk to me about?"The Princess nodded.
"I would like to talk to you about Joseph, and what you know about him so far."
"Well, not much more than what he has said before.But I do feel he's not telling us something though."
"Really?"The Princess leaned forward interested.
"Well, I read a bit about these humans,and they aren't as bad as he's stated.Well they are, but they've done a lot more good then bad.Why would he tell us only the bad?"Celestia took this with a nod.
"Perhaps he's a sociopath.He could have actually been trying to sever links with new friendships before they have even started."Celestia stated.Then realization hit me.
"Maybe someone hurt him in the past?Hay, he was probably bullied when he was younger."
"That would explain it.You should probably figure this out about him seeing as how your going to be living with him.Think about it as a side project to your friendship studies.But remember, you need to find out about his life slowly.It would be best not to pry too much into a human's life for fear of angering them." Wait a second,how does she- oh, I need to ask this.
"How do you know so much about humans?"
"You see-
Perspective:Joseph
"So, your saying humans are in pony mythology?"I asked the teal mare, whom nodded in response.
"Yes,though not by name.They have given descriptions of creatures similar to apes, that stood on two legs.They apparently have been know for their intelligence,strength,mechanical prowress, and even having powers of unimaginable strength."
I know for a fact at least three of those are true.
Powers?Hold on,Demigods in Equestria?Well, I guess that makes sense.How else would us humans know about griffins,dragons,minotaurs, and the lot.But, this also means they know how to get back.Peculiar, though that none of the ponies we have met so far knew what we are.
Very peculiar,downright next to impossible!If Twilight is a scholar, she would be sure to have known about us.
Unless of course someone is going out of their way to hide our kinds existence.But why?
Just sounds like bad writing to create more plot points.
What is he talking about?
According to the logic of the multiverse theory,somewhere, in some universe this story is being written or is being created.So whomever is writing this, we can yell at them for our life sucking so much sometimes.
Okay then.Well back to the 'story' then.
"This is all very interesting Miss Heartstrings,but how do you know so much about humans then if noone here has mentioned them so far?"She replied with,
"Because it's quite obvious isn't it?Somepony doesn't want to remember what they did, or they are trying to hide something that may link the two worlds.Somepony knows that humans can be potentionally destructive by the stories that they have told about their homelands.Burnings of spell casters, oceans red as blood, and polluting pillars of smoke are not something good for Equis."
By the sounds of things, they came here at different points of our time.Interesting.
"So, is there any way we can talk about this somewhere else if either of us find any new information on this?"
Miss Heartstrings signifigant other,Miss Sweetheart, gave me a card with an address on it.
"Thank you Miss Hearstrings and Miss Sweetheart."They then both replied in unison,
"Please call us Lyra and Bon Bon."
View Online
The end of the party, story of a pride parade explosion, and a long talk about apples,cause why not?
What the Doctor and Lyra said conflict with eachother.The Doctor has been known to be knowledgeable about the past, yet he could have simply have been hididng this from us as well.He could also simply not know much about Equestrian history.Even the abridged version.Then again,Lyra could just simply be a conspiracist nut and is using our arrival to gain attention for once.
Good work Logic.You talk with the boys on this, and I'll go meet some more ponies,we'll talk again later tonight.
Gotcha. *POP*
I looked around at the vast array of ponies arround me, most of which had attempted to appear as though they weren't looking at me,(very bad attempts might I add.Seriously, I could see that I was being watched by atleast twenty of about sixty of the ponies that could fit in the bakery.)the rest seemed to just pig out on the food.I know it's good, but it seems a bit too sweet for me.Holy shit, I think I just saw that orange colt eat 7/8 of that cake.There's no way he lacks diabeetus.Or mental retardation judging by his cutie mark, then again, he could just collect snails.The hell kind of cutie mark does his chubby friend have? A pair of scissors?What, is he good with cutting hair?That's kind of sad actually.Okay Joe, quit mentally judging these poor boys.
I then hear a sharp whistle from the left side of the room.I look to the before mentioned direction, and see AppleJack, and a very big, muscular, red stalion, with orange hair standing next to her.I rolled over to them and asked,
"So, you two wanted to talk to me about something?"
"Yeah, we was wonderin' if ya'll could tell us where Twilight was."
"She's talking some matters over with the Princess,but I would be happy to relay the message for you."
"We was just wonderin' if Twilight could help us with the early bloomers."
"Early bloomers?"
"Yeah, Apple buck season is coming soon, but some apple's get ripe a tad bit earlier then most of them do, so we gotta buck 'em off the trees other wise they'll go bad."
"I'm sorry, did you say 'buck 'em off' ?"
"Course, ain't that what ya'll humans do?"
"No, we pick them because we lack the physical ability to buck them off, and besides, wouldn't the apples get bruised on the way down?"
"What ya'll talkin' bout Joe?"
"Well, wouldn't the force from hitting the ground bruise them?"
"What kinda wimpy apples ya' got in your world?Our's couldn't bruise if you shot 'em out of a cannon.Mind you, we do get the occasional bad fruit, but we don't sell 'em."
"Ah, well, happy to have this talk all about the apples you sell."
I then began to roll away then stopped, and turned to AJ's brother and asked
"You don't talk much do you?"And he replied in a voice that could rival Morgan Freeman's in depth.
"Nope."
After awhile, Twilight eventually returned to the party with the guards, all of which were out of uniform.I rolled over to Twilight and began talking to Twilight about AppleJack asking for help on the farm.
"So, you're saying they don't get bruised?"
"I know right?That's what I was thinking!How do they not bruise?"
"Anyways, I'll go tell her I accept.You just keep doing what you were doing before."
She trots off, and my gaze then rest on two rainbow-maned ponies,one of which is wearing a black baseball cap, with holes cut out for her ears to fit through.Blitz suddenly points to me and beckons me over.I then hear part of the conversation, and I half want to punch Dash in the throat, for talking about it in such a large croud.
"And then the Timberwolf is all hobblin around all awkwardly, what with me having daringly cut his leg off with the axe earlier, then it pounces at me, and Joseph here throws this bonesaw into it's skull and he's all like 'HEADSHOT!' and I'm like 'Whoa!'
and Twilight's all like 'DIE!' and she jabs a machete into her timberwolf's throat."Her father interrupts her story and says,
"That's a pretty good story Dashie, but I wanted you to tell Joseph about your Sonic Rainboom story."
"Oh, good idea, I love that story."
This is gonna be good.
"Well, as you know by now,Fluttershy is very shy."
No, do tell.
"I expected that much."
"Yeah well, when we we're younger we attended the same flight school, and there was these two idots, Hoops and Dumbbell that kept picking on her because she was born with a condition that causes her to have been born with less nerves in her wings, making it so that it was harder for her to detect changes in wind current.But these two idiots kept picking on her everyday.Eventually I found out and told these idiots off and they challenged me to a race.Needless to say, I left them in the dust.I ended up flying so fast I caused a move that is only heard of in legend that my family was known to do in the past many years ago.A sonic rainboom."
"So what's a sonic rainboom?"
"It's a combination of a sonic boom and a rainboom.Apparently it's caused by the natural ability of pegasi to manipulate clouds going wild and causing a rainbow like ring to show using the evaporated water in the air."
I'm sorry, but I'm calling bullsh*t on this.
"What a very nice story and interesting story.But may I talk to you for a second Dash?"
"Sure,what about?"
"Well, I'd rather you not talking about the story of our trip this morning.I don't want to risk the chance of too many ponies over hearing about the stuff in the place, you know where.Even though we cleaned it out of you know what, it still has some things I'd rather not have looted from it."
"Why didn't you get it earlier?"
"Because, I wanted to focus on the things that had to be removed asap.I'll probably go in there again to get the other things another day after my legs gets fixed."
"Okay then, just call me so I can help."
"Got it." Then Dash went back to catching up with her father.Hmm, I wonder if I can get to play poker with anyone.
"I'm see your two cookies, and I raise you a cupcake."Snowflake groaned at me seeing through his bluff and folded.Not my fault his tell is him scracthing his eyelids.In case your wondering, we're betting with sweets so we don't lose any money.We're playing 'Dodge Junction Hold 'Em" or 'Texas Hold 'Em'. Thunderlane didn't even look up and pushed forward all his cupcakes,cookies, and his single funnel cake forward and said
"All in." Big Mac scowled,and said
"I fold." and pushed his cards to the side.Caramel followed suit and with a,
"Screw this." he folded.
I looked at him dead in the eyes.
"I call."Thunderlane's face went pale.Wait,how is that possible? Oh well.
We both flip over are cards and I have a full house with three jacks, and two aces.Using a Jack from the community cards, and an ace.
He has three of a kind using the 4 of clubs from the community cards.
"Goodbye Thunderlane."He scowls and walks out, and suddenly I here Celestia's voice.
"Joseph!Could you please come over here, I would like to give the people the news."
After a very long and semi boring speech about what an amazing opportunity for Equestria to have found a new sentient race, and that they welcome me in open arms, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah, new gaurdian of Ponyville, blah, blah, and afterwards I gave them the story of how I got here, my life back home, and I give them some stories about humanity.Joseph Lister,Albert Einstein,Thomas Edison,Alexander Graham Bell,Abraham Lincoln,John F. Kennedy,Al Gore,Malcolm X the works.Course I skipped all the bad ones like Vlad,Nero,Bloody Mary,Tom Gacy,Hitler,Kony, et cetera.
I'll be honest, I don't even remember half of what I said.I just rember going back to the Treehouse with Twilight, and realizing I had somewhere along the way lost the Schnapps.God, I hope Chubby and Slow don't find that little b*stard.
Joseph! Can you hear me?
Hey Logic, been a long time since you talked to me in my dreams.What do you wanna talk about?
Nothing much, just think we should plan our day for tomorrow, seeing as how we won't be able to help on the farm.
Hmm, we don't know everything that's to happen tomorrow, we'll plan from there, but a main goal should be to find the local blacksmith to get all the plans for the bullets and the actual weapon for use with qaudrupeds.Perhaps even get that collapsible bat idea sold.
Good plan, we may be able to get our old wooden prototype from home.Do you remember when we made it in shop class, back in high school?
Yeah,and it only had one problem, being the fact the inside is hollow so we would need to make a metal mold on the inside to keep it all together.
Well, I'll alert the boys to the plan.
Personally, I don't agree with going through with all this.I don't think it would be good to give the ponies the schematics for the weapons.I honestly think the idea should die with the human race.
True, but we have no choice, it was far too late the moment we came into this world.They would have found out eventually.Besides, even if we had left the weapons at the home that first day we had left the house and into this land, odds are someone would have found it before the weapons corroded out of use, or eroded in entirety.
You have good points, but I don't like 'em.
Neither do I Tex.
When I awoke, I rolled onto my back and swung my broken legs onto the side of the bed, and lifted myself into my chair, and rolled into the main room of the library.I then rolled into the kitchen of the library to prepare food for me,Twilight, and Spike.Might as well be a good house guest, eh?Speaking of the kitchen, it was strangely very modern despite the 17th century appearance of the home.Anyways, I looked for the ingredients to make a breakfast sandwich I had invented a long time ago.
"Let's see, 6 eggs, potatoes,bread,oil, bacon, wait no, hay bacon.Not eating that.Wait, how did they turn hay into bacon?"
I got three pans, a bowl, and a whisk.I cracked the eggs and poured the contents into the bowl.I whisked vigorously until the eggs were liquidated, then soaked the 6 bread slices in the eggs, and placed it in two of the pans.As that was cooking, so was the bacon, and the soon to be hashbrowns in the same pan.After they had finished cooking thoroughly, I mixed them together and placed 1/3 of it within two pieces of bread three times.
"Good, everything seems to have gone well." The breakfast sandwiches were coming out very nicely when I heard Twilight and Spike coming down the stairs.When Twilight entered the kitchen, she had a shocked look on her face, either from forgetting I was there, or surprised I was cooking something.Possibly a bit of both.
"You're making breakfast?"
"Yeah, I felt the need to be a good houseguest.Though I'm not sure if you'll like what I made, so just tell me your opinion and If you don't like it I'll just whip up something else."
"Ok, what are they?"
"Well, it's a breakfast sandwich composed of french toast,fried potatoes, and for you and Spike, a little bit of hay bacon."
"Fried potatoes?"
"What, you say this as if it is't common."
"Well, it isn't.We mostly eat them baked, but fried?Actually, that doesn't sound too bad."Twilight responded.
"Well, either way, enjoy."
They both sat down at the table's pillows,(Ponies sitting on chairs is apparently very uncomfortable due to their anatomical structure, which brings up the question why make a wheel chair?), and began eating.I rolled forward to the table and joined them in the meal, a meal which they appeared to be enjoying according to their looks of confusion and satisfaction.
"Wow, this is actually really good." Spike said to no one in particular.
"Well, humans have several great qaulities, ingenuity is one of them."I responded.
Twilight suddenly stopped eating, took a cartoonishly large swallow and stated,
"I almost forgot to place the healing spell on you."She got up, Telekinetically got the medical book from my world and one from hers and proceeded to go to the correct pages in each for the spell and for the picture's of the legs bone structure.
She aimed her horn at my legs and filled her horn with magical aura.She then made a grunt and I suddenly felt a tingling sensation in my legs, slowly spreading upwards at a pace about at a millionths of a snails tread.She lifted her head up and trotted to the other side of the table to continue to eat her breakfast.
"So, how does the spell work?"
"Well, to put it into simple terms a non-magic user may understand, I have to focus on the bone's template and commence the spell, which speeds up the process of your cell's restoration process, but it still takes awhile.The spell is constantly taking small doses of magical aura from the area in all living things to keep the spell going.Assuming all goes well, it should take about a week to finish."Twilight explained.
"That's incredible,your kind is absolutely fascinating."I responded.
"So is yours, I read a few chapters of that book on your kinds history at the party and it's amazing what your's has done.Even if it might seem primitive, but your kind were able to do quite alot even without magic."
"As I said, Humans are ingenious little buggers."
"You talk about them as if you aren't one."Spike chimed in.
"Well, sometimes I wish I wasn't.For reasons I'd rather not talk about."Spike looked kind of saddened at this for whatever reason.Possibly thinking of what might have caused my response.Not like I'll ever tell him.Maybe if I'm here to the point he can mature a bit more.Eh, who knows?
Anyways,eventually Twilight and Spike left to help Applejack while I was given the job to get groceries using a small bag of money Twilight had given me, after carefully explaining the money values of the multiple kinds of bits, being
15 Bronze to 1 Silver,10 Silver to 1 Gold, and 20 Gold to 1 Platinum.Easy enough to remember.I explored the market looking for the items on a small list Twilight had given to me with the bag.I had a single problem in the market that I didn't wish to face.I, due to my appearance, still turned some heads in the market.The fact that even though Celestia had said I was peaceful, a good portion of the ponies still feared me and they gave me either outrageously low prices that my conscious wouldn't allow me to accept or gave me ridiculously large prices simply because I was new here.I eventually saw a glint of purple and white, and thought, why that's Rarity.She's a business woman so surely she can help me find the right prices.So I sought her out for help.I had rolled up to her and tapped her on her shoulder, while saying,
"Excuse me Miss Rarity, but I require some assistance with something."She turned around and was at first shocked and made a slight squeal before remembering who I was.
"Oh, It's you darling, I forgot you were here in Ponyville,I apologize.Um, what would you like help with?" I leaned in so I could whisper,
"Well, I don't know what's a good price here and a bad one, due to me being,well an alien."She made a caring smile and took the list from my hands.
" Well, for the vegetables I would head to Golden Harvest, she's behind you, the one with an orange mane and yellow coat.
For the flower's you should head to Lily's stand, it should be up ahead on the left,she's the one with a blonde mane and pink coat.You can get eggs from Yolk, he's the pony with a yellow mane and white coat to the right up ahead.Mr and Mrs Cake own the place your party was held at last night, you can get bread cheap from there seeing as how they don't sell as much as their other divine creations.Also, I can give you some rubies.Just find me after you get the groceries."
Got all that?
Yeah.It's been noted, although I think we'll need more mental index cards at this rate.
"I was actually going to ask about that.I know you go out to get your gems, so I was wondering If I might be able to go along sometime after my legs heal."
"Why do you wish to go, If I may ask?"
"I actually wish to see some gems myself and perhaps make tools out of them if possible.I have plans and ideas that I must try out here, seeing as gems are so many in number."
"Well, I might be able to spare a bit more right now, we had a slight overhaul recently."
"No, that's fine.I'll just wait until I find them myself."
"No, I insist."
"No, it's alright.I can wait."I replied,trying to win the argument between two dapper individuals.
"Alright then, I'm off to my store."And she trotted away.
I just sat there for a few moments, thinking about how things might just be getting mundane around here.
Chores,Stress,and Tickets.
"Ma'am, calm down, I'm not going to torture,maim,kill,scar,scald,eat, or harm you in anyway, Now can I just buy some flowers at NORMAL price?"Joseph asked with a monotone voice to the cowering pony trying to hide under the table of the flower stand.
"YES! JUST TAKE THE FLOWERS,LEAVE THE BITS,AND LEAVE!" Yelled the pony so the entire world could hear.
Joseph sighed in frustration.
We should have expected this you know.
Yes, we did, but what harm could I be in this BLOODY CHAIR?!?!?!
I have no idea, they probably think you have magic or something stupid like that.Also, quit saying "Bloody" and "Oy".
Oy, a good portion of my life was spent watching Doctor Who and Ricky Gervais, excuse me if it rubbed off.
Why can't we ever not get into an argument?I'm really getting tired of this, and frankly it got boring in the first five seconds.
SHH!Don't let the readers know about that.
[color=redCuckoo, quit spouting your "This is all a book in alternate universe" junk again.
He's right you know, Joe.
Um,weren't we doing something?
Oh, right.
"For the last time, what would I gain from harming you?"Joseph asked, annoyed at having spent the past Ten minutes trying to coax this pony into just being quite with her shrill screaming and overreactions.
"A GOOD MEAL!"She blurted.
"I don't eat meat anymore, and when I did, I didn't eat Equine's.I ate mostly Chicken and Fish, and on occasion Pork and Beef."
The pony poked her head up enough so she could see.
"Really?"
"Yes. " Joseph replied, getting more aggravated by the second.
"Oh, Okay." She sprang up, cheer in her voice.Joseph felt his eye twitch, thinking how cartoonish it must seem.
Remembering his stress relieving lessons, he took a deep breath and exhaled.Then thought of the funniest thing he could think up at the moment.A Formal Clown.Chuckling for a second at the thought of a clown in a suit, he regained his calm and looked at Lily.
"Okay, so how much will these bundles of daisies be?"
"5 bits." Hmm, that seemed more then fair, 2 bundles of ten for only Five bits?Seems fair.
Making mental note.Note taken.
Joe handed the five bronze bits over.
Wouldn't that technically be "hoofed over"?
Quit breaking the fourth wall Cuckoo, otherwise you'll be a second Pinkie Pie, and with two of them, the fourth wall is gonna crack like an egg.Besides, he isn't a pony.
For now.
Oy, you hush up. Trying to give fake spoilers.
Or am I?
Seriously, quit doing that, you aren't fooling anyone.
Who says I'm trying to fool them?
Can't we just get on with the plot?
*Giggle* you said "Plot".
Ugh, back to the story folks.
"Thank you sir.It is Sir right?"
Joseph squeezed the bridge of his nose in frustration, his headache returning.
"Yes. "
"Okay, then.Thank you, sir."
"No, Thank You." Joseph responded, then rolled away from the Mare, whom he wished he didn't have to see for a good long period of time.
It wasn't long after when Joseph had gotten all the groceries, and began rolling home.Upon arriving, he had placed all the Groceries away, gotten his gun, and proceeded to the blacksmith.When he facepalmed upon a sudden realization.
Why didn't we ask Rarity where the Blacksmith was?
That is, a very good question actually.
I'm really pissed how not a single one of you tryed to tell me.
Um, I wasn't paying attention.
Neither was I.
You always repress me, so I thought I didn't have a say.......
Well, I apologize for that.I'll start listening to you more when you stop giving us brutal and gory ideas.
Okay......
Anyways, can we just head to the Blacksmith?
We never said you couldn't.
I really hate you guys.
It had taken him an hour, but he had finally found the blacksmith.Sadly, no one had known about it seeing as how next to no one had ever really needed him for anthing except repairs on carts and lockets and such.Rarity was nowhere to be seen, so she couldn't help him.Probably went inside to avoid the rain.Oh well, that didn't matter anymore, he had found it, and he had brought his gun.Upon entering the shanty-like building, the smell of grease and oil was apparent.Rusted metal and tools were lying all over the floor, and multiple wooden tables that took up space in the room.Blueprints and designs were hammered into the walls of Trains,Carts, and Tractors.Most of which were partially finished.Suddenly a loud booming voice yelled.
"WHO ARE YOU?"
Joseph flinched in his chair, noticing the blacksmith was actually a midget.A midget that was just below his line of vision when he was searching the room.He was a small silver Unicorn, with a black as coal mane.His eyes glinting a bronze.
"Um, sorry.I didn't realize you were there.Um, did Celestia send you a message?"
"Yeah, she did.So you this human I keep hearing about?"
"Yes."
"Well, she sent me all the info on this 'Gun' thing of yours.So may I?"
"Sure."
Joseph slowly handed over the revolver.
"By the way, this is the safety." Joe exclaimed, and pointed at the small nub.
"When it's red, it's ready to fire.Just push in, and pull the trigger."
"I see, so may I see it dismantled?"
"Sure."
Joseph slowly dismantled it, piece by piece,as the Engineer took notes.
"You know you never told me your name."Joseph asked the Engineer.
"Just call me Bolts, everyone usually does." Bolts replied monotonously, keeping his eyes on the gun.
"Well, My Name's Joe.But most call me Joseph."
"Yeah, yeah." Bolts continued in his robotic way.
"So, has Celestia sent you the stipend as well?"
"Yeah, yeah."
No point in talking to him.He's like you when you're reading.Just leave a bullet and head back home.
Fine.I'm sick and tired of this day anyways.
Joey set the bullet down on the table,after dissassembling the gun, and rolled out.Just wanting to go home and not have to deal with annoying ponies.
Upon the library getting in Joseph's view, he found a gathering of ponies crowding by an alley near the library.
Joseph, not really caring anymore, and with a head splitting headache, said what anyone would say.
"Screw it, I'm going home."
Rolling towards the library and entering.He suddenly heard a loud bang and Twilight and Spike appeared, the latter looking like he had been thrown in an oven.
"Warn me next time you're going to do that." Spike suddenly said, looking light headed.
"I didn't even know it was going to happen, quick lock the doors!"Twilight shouted.
"Already got this one done.So what's going on?" Joseph told the two of them, now realising he was there.
"Spike'll tell you."Twilight replied as she dashed up the stairs.
"So?"
"We were sent three tickets to a major event called the Grand Galloping Gala by the Princess,and everyoone has their own dreams and aspirations on what they want to do there, but we only have one ticket to spare.
"Three? But I don't wish to go."
"Sorry, man.It's mandatory."Spike replied,tossing a scroll into Joseph's lap as he ran to shut off the lights.
Joseph scrolled down the letter until he found the part that said he had to go.
And, we would very much appreciate it, if the Human named Joesph could come so he may interact with other species as to help strengthen bonds for Equestria's Neighbors, as to show we do not keep secrets.
Arses got our name wrong.
I know right?
"So, this is pretty much a kind way to force me to go isn't it?"
"Yep."Spike replied as he dashed to shut off the kitchen light's, effectively shrouding the home under darkness.
Twilight ran in as the last light was shut off, and we all found ourselves huddled by the doors, sighing in relief.
Until our feeling of safety suddenly melted away, as the lights came back on to reveal five ponies watching us.
"JESUS CHRIST!" Joseph screamed in surprise, clutching his hand on his heart, which felt like it was throbbing out of his chest, and Twilight screamed in frustration, before jabbering at an incredibily fast speed.
"I can't decide, I just can't decide!It's important to all of you,amd I just can't stand to dissapoint any of you,and giving me gifts and doing me favors won't make any difference.Because you are all my friends,and I want to make you all happy, and I just can't!I JUST CAN'T!" Twilight fell to the ground, her hooves over her head.
Applejack came trotting down.
"Twilight sugar,I didn't mean to put so much pressure on you.And if it helps, I don't want the ticket anymore, you can just give it to sompony else.I won't feel bad.I promise."
"Me, too."Fluttershy added, flying down next to Twilight.
"I just feel awful making you feel so awful"
"And Me to.It's no fun upsetting your friends."Pinkie added on as well.
"Twilight, it was unfair trying to force you as I did."Rarity said.
"YES!THAT MEANS THE TICKET IS MINE!" Rainbow Dash shouted, then began singing a victory song mainly compromised of the words "I got the ticket", earning a death glare from the rest of us.
"You know, I haven't perfected my signature move's yet enough for the wonderbolts anyways, I don't need the ticket either."
"We all got so gun-ho about going to the gala,that we didn't see how ungun-ho we were making you."
"We're sorry Twilight."The five ponies said in unison to the Unicorn that well deserved it.
"Spike, take a note."Twilight commanded, and Spike wrote the following.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I've learned today that one of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings.But When there's not enough blessings to go around,having more than your friends can make you feel pretty awful.So, though I appreciate your invitation.I return my tickets to the Gala.
This caused a room wide Exclamation of surprise.
"Hang on, after all that you just want to give them back?Why did you all want to go to the Gala for anyways?"
"I wanted to meet the wonderbolts, and perhaps get on their flight team."
"First off, you really think they would just hire you on the spot?What about you Fluttershy?"
"Well, um, I wanted to see the exotic animals."
"Fair enough, but the animals will be there next year.Rarity?"
"To meet my True Love,Prince Blueblood."
"Hang on,have you ever met him?I mean, you are very beautiful, but I don't think looks alone should be what helps you get a man.Life isn't a fairy tale."
"Well,You're right, actually.I didn't think about that."
"I mean, if someone were to marry you based on looks alone, they'd have to be a sleaze, and you don't wanrt someone like that in your life.Go for someone you've known, and gottem close to."
"Er,well.Thank you."
"Now Pinkie, why did you want to go?"
"I wanted to Party at the biggest event in Equestria!"
"Well, you do realize a gala is a very formal party, you know, ballroom,orchestra,foods that are hard to pronounce from France, or whatever your pony Equivalent is."
"Well, that doesn't sound very fun."
"So, Applejack, why did you want to go?"
"Well, ah wanted to sell Apple Family's Apple's Treats there so I can raise money to fix up the barn, and my Grandmother's hip."Joseph's left eye started twitching, as he slowly turned around to face the group of ponies.
"Hang on,you're telling me, you all wanted your own selfish wishes and desires, yet Applejack here wants to help her family.Seriously?What is wrong with Ya'll.You know what, it's been a long day, and frankly I'm tired.If you need me, I'll be sleeping."Joseph began rolling out of the room, seeing the looks of shame on everypony except Applejack and Twilight who wore looks of shock.
I don't want to go to Oz!
Perspective:Joseph
I was slumped over my desk bawling my eyes out. I was in the back room of a rather large house in Texas that used be owned by my mother and her grandparents before her. Now it only belonged to me. My Mother had died the month before in a car accident, and she left this old house to me in her will."How the hell am I going to pay off this house?" I asked myself, my voice cracked and full of sadness and regret.The house was old, and with old houses, it was filled with memories.I remember all those years of fun I had with my mother and grandparents. My Grandfather teaching me how to shoot a rifle and my Mother teaching me how to box.My Mother was a strict, but kind woman. As for my Father, well I never met the deadbeat, He left me and my Mother to rot. Oh shoot, I'm rambling here, lets get back to the story.
I looked around the room and saw all the old pictures and old war memorabilia.
I'll be damned before I let the IRS take this house.
How do you expect to beat the IRS? Hell, they got Al Capone.
Shut up Logic!
Suddenly, a radio I had on the table suddenly started blaring a message of warning.
"ALL CITIZENS IN THE [REDACTED] COUNTY AREA ARE TO BE WARNED OF INCOMING TORNADOES. REPEAT ALL CITIZENS IN THE [REDACTED] COUNTY AREA ARE TO BE WARNED OF INCOMING TORNADOES."
Well,shit
Shit, indeed
Almost immediately I started hearing swirling winds. "My luck can't be that bad." I ran to the window and saw possibly the most shit-your-pants scary thing any human being can look at. "F*CK my life." I frantically ran to grab my survival pack.
I told you this would come in handy some day.
Really?NOW?!?!
I ran toward the stairs leading to my cellar, only then was it that I realized just how close the tornado was.
The entire house began to creak and groan, and suddenly I felt weightless.
"NO, I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"
-End of Chapter 1-
