Chapters View Online
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 2 - Never Mind The Bollocks, Here's The Six Ponies
After a few minutes of walking, or in Pinkie’s case, hopping, down several streets, we had arrived at a large pink and white building that resembled a cake. The building was mainly brown and pink with white ‘icing’ and multi-coloured ‘sprinkles’ adorning it.
I bet they make cake here.
You don’t say? Gee whiz, buddy! I thought they would serve tea and sandwiches!
Good thing I told you otherwise then, dipshit.
Go fuck yourself.
“Here we are! Sugar Cube Corner!” Pinkie said cheerfully “Come on in! I’ll show you around!” Pinkie got behind me and pushed me inside the cake-like building.
Upon entering, Pinkie gave me a very, very quick tour of the kitchen and shop which was greatly sped up by her shoving me into every room and speaking a hundred miles a minute about the room and some stories of events that happened in those rooms. I hardly remember a word of what she was saying and I certainly wasn’t going to ask her to tell the stories again.
Well why the fuck not?
Really? You’re really asking me why?
Well yeah! I want to hear the rest of that story with the oatmeal!
Oh for fuck’s sake…
“So, that’s Sugar Cube Corner for ya! Do you like it?” She asked.
“Oh yeah, this is a nice little place you got here Pinkie.” I replied.
“You need a place to stay, don’t cha?” She asked. Before I could remind her that that was the entire reason she brought me here in the first place, she was already taking me upstairs to show me to the guest bedroom.
In the room was a single bed with a small bedside table that hardly had room for the lamp that sat on it. An armchair and table sat on a small carpet in the center of the room. A chest of drawers was against a wall with a mirror next to it hanging on the wall. There were also a couple of paintings on the wall, one of which was of a hill that resembled the default desktop on a computer using Windows XP, the other was of a beach with a single palm tree.
“Do you like it? Huh?Huh?Huh?” Pinkie said sticking her face directly in front of mine “You have your own bathroom and closet too!” She said as she opened the bathroom door and seemingly teleported to the other side of the room to open the closet.
“Wow, thanks Pinkie.” I said setting down my guitar case and amp “This room is fantastic, thank you so much.”
“It’s no trouble Jimmy! Now, I’m gonna go get your party set up for tonight, you get yourself settled up here, okay?” She said as she was about to exit the room.
“Oh, wait up Pinkie,” I asked before she left, she poked her head out from the other side of the door and looked at me “You don’t want any help setting up the party?”
“Don’t worry about it, you’ve had a long day, I don’t want you all tired and sleepy at the party!” She said as she closed the door.
She was right. Even though I had hardly been up for maybe four hours at maximum, it had certainly been a long day. Another thing she was right about was me being tired for the party if I tried to help set it up. I lay down on the bed, slowly slipping from my consciousness…
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING!?
What the hell do you mean? I just explained what I’m doing in the last paragraph!
Come on, son. Sleeping? Right now? Son, I am disappoint.
Disappoint at what?! Should I be somewhere doing something? Should I be off exploring the town meeting ponies who are more than likely afraid of me?
Retard, think about what you have been lugging around with you all day.
I looked over the side of my bed. On the floor sat my guitar case and my newly acquired amplifier. They glowed with an odd white light that obviously was not natural.
Do you see?
I see… I see… I want… I need… Very much…
You wanna play?
Yessss… Yesss… I want to play…
Go play.
I sprang up from the bed, flipping open my guitar case, taking out my guitar and giving it a quick tune-up by ear. After putting the guitar down on the bed a bit more hurriedly than I usually would, I opened my backpack withdrawing the effects pedal, two ¼ inch jacks and a power cable for the pedal. As I untangled the cables and glanced upon the power cable a thought came to mind.
Oh shit son.
What?
Do they have electricity in this world?
Uh-oh…
I frantically looked around the room for a power socket. Oh God, oh God, oh shit, they better have electricity in this world!! I thought to myself. My eyes rested on one power socket next to the bedside table near the floor.
WOOO! ELECTRICITY!
I unplugged the lamp and plugged in my amplifier and effects pedal to the socket, fumbling with the plugs due to excitement. I plugged in everything and got ready to play. As my finger approached the power switch of the amplifier, I stopped. I had forgotten something, a guitar pick. I opened the guitar case again to take one out of the ‘secret’ compartment under where the neck would rest. As I inspected the compartment more closely, I noticed it was bulging unusually. I opened it to find several packs of strings which I know weren’t there before as well as a small satchel containing a hefty number of picks of different colours and sizes.
WOOOOOO! MORE FREE SHIT!
I switched on the amp and waited for it to hum to life. As the lights turned on, the amplifier let out a horribly loud screech of feedback.
AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! TURN IT OFF!!! TURN IT OFF!!!! DON’T PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR EARS, DUMBASS!!!! TURN IT OFF!!!!!
I obliged my brain’s command and turned the volume to zero. I scanned the settings of the amplifier to find the gain at maximum along with the bass, mid and treble. I set all of these effects to five and looked through the other settings. There were built-in effects on the amp as well as amplifier types. The effect it was set to was a phaser effect and the amp type was set as a ‘6505’. That name meant nothing to me along with the rest of the amp names. I switched the effect to bypass and turned the volume up on the amp, just to one for now. I didn’t want to explode the village in a blast of deafening feedback that would surely end up destroying all of Equinion, or, whatever this place is called. After messing around with the amplifier types, I rested on one that seemed to be the cleanest amp setting simple labelled ‘twn’.
At last I was able to play. I set the volume of the pedal higher and shut off all the effects that were present. I started playing a small improv around C# to test out the sound I was getting. So far, I liked it. I stopped the improv after I had toyed with the bass setting and proceeded to practice Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin; I decided to sing it too, just because I could. I managed to get through the entire song including the solo while singing in key for once. I was quite content with the feat I had accomplished. I then started playing with the different effects the pedal had to offer. I greatly enjoyed the octave effects it had as well as the wah effects, not to mention the delay and loop shifter.
After about an hour of playing random tunes, I remembered I had my laptop in my bag. I put down the guitar on the bed and booted it up. The first thing I did was check the time; the clock read 5:24 pm. The position of the sun seemed to correspond with the time the computer had.
HOLD THE FUCK UP SON.
What’s this?
An internet connection? But… That’s not possible… I connected to the network and was able to access all the websites I would normally go on as well as Skype.
WOOOOOOOOO! WE CAN CONTINUE TO EXPAND OUR LIBRARY OF PORN!
. . .
Well, what are you waiting for?!
Later.
I tried sending a few instant messages, however, it did not work. As I pressed enter or clicked on the icon to send the messages, it would not work. The same rule applied for e-mails. I was able to write them, just not send them. Even if they were sent to my own address. I also wasn’t able to comment on videos or pictures.
Hey, where the hell is this connection coming from anyway? We don’t have 3G or 4G or any of that…
Wherever the connection was coming from, it was very close. The name of the network was a jumble of letters and symbols that read ‘HS*3R9()*Hlkr$Y4HCNBDY84249’.
WHO CARES AS LONG AS YOU STILL GET YOUR PORN!?!?
I had a point. At least I had internet, even though I’m probably the only person on it anymore. That’s not really a problem. Just means I can’t troll anyone on websites anymore.
You know, that’s probably a good thing.
Wait, what? Since when did you start disliking trolling? That seems to be the only thing you do!
Never, I meant it’s a good thing as in you can try to do it elsewhere, like, oh I dunno, in REAL LIFE?
Once again, I gave a strong point. I looked at the clock again. 6:49 p.m. I put away my guitar, placed the cords in the hollow back of the amplifier, pushed the amp against the wall neatly and placed my pedal on top of it. I rummaged through my bag again to refresh my memory on what I had with me.
Well, that’s going to be a problem, innit?
Outside of some other minor guitar and computer paraphernalia in my bag, all I had was one change of clothes in my bag.
Shit.
That’s a damn shame. Not only will you be living in a magical world of ponies, but you’ll be sewing too. What a granny’s boy you’ll be.
That sounds like great fun and all, but there should be a tailor in this town who can make me some clothes.
Well you best hope they aren’t terrified of you.
I took off my shoes and lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. I wondered who would be coming to the party tonight. Twilight was coming for sure, but who else? I tried to remember other ponies I had seen in pictures other than Pinkie.
There was an orange pony who wore a cowboy hat, not sure of her name. Woo! Cowgirl! If you know what I mean... Another one was a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane; I couldn’t remember her name either. I’m telling you man, her name’s YELLOWQUIET! Of course I’m right! All those 4chan posts said so! Oh, there was another Pegasus, a blue one that had a rainbow coloured mane, that one was called Rainbow Dash. Right, the lesbian one who’s always shown with the cowgirl!
Then there was a white one with a purple mane… I think it was a unicorn… Rarity… Or something…
She’s supposed to be hot, you should bang her.
WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU EARLIER?!
I’m just sayin’ man! If push comes to-
NO.
What i-
NO.
B-
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Oh fine. Anyway, I think she makes clothes or some shit. You should probably check that out since you’re not checking out her ass.
Oh right! She makes clothes! Maybe she’d be able to help me out with my clothing crisis. There is no chance of me walking around Ponyville naked. Not a chance in hell. I already had ponies looking at me funny, I didn’t need more attention. I suppose those ponies will be here for sure. I definitely wouldn’t know anypony else.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS!!!!
What? What’d I say?
Yo- BAHAHAHAHAA!!! OH JESUS CHRIST MY SIDES!!!
Your sides are my sides and I feel nothing, what is it?!
You… You said… ANYPONY!!! BAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Oh God… I’m talking like them now… NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
There was a knock on the door followed by the creak of the door opening slightly, Pinkie stuck out her head.
“Jimmy, the party starts in half an hour, okie-dokie? I’ll call you when it’s time to come down!” She then closed the door and I heard hoofsteps go back downstairs.
“Well, so much for getting some shut-eye before the party.” I said to myself out loud.
Don’t care. The guitar stuff was totally worth it.
I suppose. Well, better go get ready.
MAYDAY! MAYDAY! HOLD THE FUCK UP SON! YOU DON’T HAVE YOUR OLD SPICE! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE OUR MANLY MAN SCENT IF WE DON’T HAVE OU- Oh look; you do have your Old Spice. Okay, false alarm!
I rolled my eyes at the panicked voice in my head as I took the Old Spice body wash and deodorant from my bag and took them into the bathroom with me. I took a quick shower so I would at least be fresh for the party. Cuz nigga gotta be fresh! After my shower, I put on the clean shirt that was in my bag and went downstairs.
“SURPRISE!!” shouted Pinkie and five other ponies just as I cleared the staircase and came into view. I nearly had a heart attack.
JESUS CHRIST DIRECT ALL POWER TO SHIEL- Oooooh, cake!
It wasn’t supposed to be a surprise party, because, well, I knew about it. I was still surprised nonetheless. There were streamers and confetti everywhere as well as every possible party decoration imaginable. A large banner read “WELCOME TO PONYVILLE!” in bubbly lettering. There were cupcakes, potato chips and all manner of party food on one of the tables. On another table was a large punch bowl with several glasses. Underneath the banner stood Twilight and the rest of the main ponies except Pinkie, wait, where was Pinkie? Suddenly I was tackled by a pink blur.
“Welcome to Ponyville, Jimmy!” Pinkie Pie said hugging me tightly.
“Wow! Thanks Pinkie! This party looks awesome!” I replied. This truly was quite amazing; I never expected to have a party like this in honour of me being thrown forward in time several thousand years. It did feel quite special. Even though the décor did seem a little child-like, it was still a good feeling to have a party thrown for me.
“Come on! Let me introduce you to my friends!” Pinkie said hopping over to Twilight and the others. I walked over and the introductions began.
Inb4 I’m right about the blue one being a lesbian.
Yeah, like as if she’s just gonna go out and say “HI I’M RAINBOW DASH AND I’M A LESBIAN” Good thinking there, buddy.
Well, duh! Of course that’s how it will happen! Jesus, don’t you know anything?
“This is Applejack! She runs Sweet Apple Acres which is where all the apples are grown for Ponyville!” Pinkie explained. Applejack walked over to me and shook my hand vigorously.
“Well howdy’do Jimmy?” She said in a Southern accent still shaking my hand.
“I-I-I-m-m-d-d-o-in-g-g-al-l-l-ri-i-gh-h-t-t-t-ha-a-n-n-ks” I said still shaking, I took my left hand and grabbed the right one to stop the shaking.
Dude... She must give one hell of a hoof-
I WILL END YOU IF YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE.
“This is Fluttershy! She takes care of animals when they’re sick, as well as ponies sometimes too!” Pinkie said pointing to a yellow Pegasus with a pink mane “You might not have guessed it, but she’s really shy!”
“Hi there, Fluttershy.” I said, she stood there trying to hide her face behind her mane. “Okie-dokie then…” I said after a few seconds of awkward silence.
Really? Did you really expect her to be all cool with you? Her NAME even has shy in it! Come on, man!
“This is Rainbow Dash! She’s the fastest flyer ever! She’s the only pony who’s ever broken the sound barrier! She can also do the Sonic Rainboom!” Pinkie said enthusiastically.
“Heh heh, yes, it’s all true!” Rainbow Dash said proudly.
Looks like I was right, she didn’t just go out and say she’s a lesbian.
GO FUCK YOURSELF! SHE’LL ADMIT IT ONE DAY!
“Pardon me for asking, but what’s a Sonic Rainboom?” I asked.
“Oh, that’s what happens when I break the sound barrier. It’s basically a sonic boom that creates a rainbow in the process.” Rainbow Dash said “It’s pretty awesome, I’ll have to show you it sometime!”
“It does indeed sound awesome.” I replied.
“And last but not least, this is Rarity! She’s the town’s tailor and dressmaker!” Pinkie said.
Congratulations, we tied for our inb4s, would you like a cookie?
I very much would like one! Please disregard this bitch and acquire cookies! They’re right on that table there! Come on man! You don’t even gotta say anything!
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, darling.” Rarity said in a supposedly lady-like voice that really just sounded snobby.
Just walk past her and take the cookies man! You can do this man! You can DO this! YOU can DO THIS! DO IT FUCKING FA-
“It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Rarity” I replied.
MAN I FUCKING HATE YOU! STOP MAKING CONVERSATION AND GO GET ME MY FUCKING COOKIES!!!
“Listen, I may actually have some work for you!” I continued while ignoring the barrage of insults my inner voice was throwing my way “I realised that the only clothes I possess are the ones I’m wearing now and the ones I was wearing earlier today. I’m going to need some more soon, is it possible you could make some for me? I’ll pay you, of course.”
“Why of course, darling! It may be a bit… Different, from what I normally do, but I simply cannot turn down a request like that! Come by my boutique tomorrow and I’ll do your measurements and such.”
“Thanks Rarity!” I replied happily. “Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s get this party started!” The others agreed with cheering as they went about the party.
Now, I know you’re ma-
COOKIE. NOW. I WILL END YOUR MISERABLE LIFE IN YOUR FUCKING SLEEP IF YOU DON’T GO AND GET ME A FUCKING COOKIE RIGHT NOW YOU MISERABLE…
I walked over to the snack table and picked up a chocolate chip cookie. It was quite large, not that that was a problem at all. The barrage of insults continued along with a list of the gruesome punishments my inner voice had planned for me if I didn’t get a cookie immediately. I took a bite and the voice quieted down.
Ahhhhhh… Cookieeeeeeee… Chocolate chiiiiiiiip… I ever tell you how much I love you? You’re such a swell guy…
Stop being gay for a minute, eh? Twilight’s walking over to us.
Shall I set full power to weapons or engines then?
How about full power to speech so we can talk rather than just stand here like a drooling idiot.
It’s far more acceptable to stand drooling while staring into space while in a room full of people if it’s because of chocolate chip cookies, y’know?
“So, what do you think of the others?” Twilight asked me.
“They seem really nice.” I replied “I wish I got to talk to Fluttershy a little more, but I don’t really know how to go about it…”
The conversation and the party kept going on for an hour or so after. Pinkie and Fluttershy were dancing to some music that was being played through a record player. Twilight was now… Attempting, to dance, I stress attempting. Not that I could do much better, I’d probably be as skilled as she was. As far as I was concerned, any club would never be able to handle me or Twilight, let alone both of us at once.
You’ve got zero knowledge of dancing. But I’m sure you’d be Michael frickin’ Jackson next to her. Y’know, without all the pedophilia and nose jobs and race changes!
I struck up a couple conversations with Rainbow Dash as well as Applejack just about what kind of music they were into. Rainbow Dash loved rock ‘n roll and Applejack said she didn’t listen to too much music but could still appreciate different kinds of music. Pinkie overheard our conversation and joined in.
“Hey Jimmy! Why don’t you bring your guitar down here?” Pinkie asked as she hopped over “I bet everyone would like to hear the kind of music you play! I know I liked it!” I briefly wondered how she would’ve heard it when I realised I was playing through an amplifier and I realised that I wasn’t exactly worrying about how loud it was when I was playing.
Put the amp volume to five, he said… No one else will hear it, he said…
You’re implying that I’m a good influence. Stop it.
I know you’re not.
Then why in hell do you listen to me?
I actually don’t know.
You must be mentally retarded or clinically insane to actually follow my advice.
Can I be both?
You already are.
“Sure thing Pinkie!” I said as I went upstairs to get my guitar and other equipment. After grabbing my stuff, I returned downstairs and Pinkie showed me where I could plug in next to a table with a large cake on it. I had plugged in everything and was tuning my guitar when Fluttershy came over to me.
“Umm… Excuse me, but I was just wondering, if you don’t mind me asking, what kind of music do you play?” Fluttershy asked quietly.
OH MY GOD SHE’S SO FUCKING CUTE WITH HER SHYNESS AND STUFF OH MY JESUS H. CHRIST LOOK AT HER!!!!!!!
Calm your tits, please.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! SO FRICKING ADORABLE!!!!
Anyway…
“Well, I play mostly rock stuff, I play some classical pieces too, but mainly just rock.” I replied smiling.
Pfft… ‘Classical’. You mean Legend of Zelda music. Twat.
I was right. The only ‘classical music’ I played were songs from Legend of Zelda such as Zelda’s Lullaby. Not just the melody however. I would play it how it was arranged for piano. Like a sir, of course. I felt a bit bad for lying to her though. Time to move on from classical before she questions me about it.
“Do you like rock music?” I asked her.
“Oh yes, I like all kinds of music.” She replied smiling “Do you, write your own songs?”
“I have written a couple, yeah.” I replied “They’re not especially nice songs, though.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I have one that’s about someone telling their past lover that they can’t stand them anymore and they just want them to go away. The rest are mostly just songs about me being paranoid about girls I liked or being mad at myself for stupid things I had done.”
Fuckin’ emo.
Shut up.
“Oh… I see…”
“I don’t play those ones too often though. I do have one love song I play more frequently than those. But I mostly play songs by other rock bands I like.” I said as I started playing the intro of Holiday by Green Day and then started soloing in F.
“Hey everypony! Jimmy’s ready to play now!” Pinkie yelled. The ponies gathered around for the ‘show’.
“Well, uh, the stuff I play is mostly rock stuff… Err, it’s not really, umm… How do I put this… It’s not really stuff you can dance to, if you know what I mean. It’s not really party music.” I warned nervously.
Yeah dumbshit, let’s show we aren’t confident in anything we’re doing at all. You know, cuz, intelligence and shit.
“That’s not a problem.” Twilight said “I’m sure we’ll all like it.”
Hey did you hear that?
What?
I could've sworn I just heard someone shout 'PLAY FREEBIRD!'.
Screw off, I'm not pla-
No, no, I'm serious! I heard someone yell th-
There was a knock on the door, “I’ll get it!” shouted Pinkie as she bounced over to the door. She opened the door to find a pale-skinned human. He had curly hair that was a dirty blonde colour who was very slim. Pinkie gasped loudly and flew over to me.
“JIMMY! COME QUICK! COME QUICK!!!!” She said grabbing me and bringing me over to the door making my guitar fly off me and fly into the air.
OH CUNT!!!! AMY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
SHITE NONONONONONOOOO!!!!!!!!
Suddenly, Rainbow Dash quickly flew up from her seated position on the floor and into the air, catching the guitar before it could hit the ground.
RAINBOW DASH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW OH GOD SWEET JESUS YOU’RE A GODDAMNED SAINT I LOVE YOU!!!
WOOOOOOO!! RAINBOW DASH SAVED AMY!!!! I like Rainbow Dash, she saves my guitar and doesn’t afraid of anything.
Why is Pinkie dragging you over here? You should probably ask her now, eh?
“Pinkie, what is it…” I half-asked as I looked through the doorway to see my friend, Matt. He was here in Equestria too…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 3 - Enter Sax-Man
“BRO-SKI!!” I yelled in my best Russian accent hugging Matt tightly “I have not seen you since old country!”
MATT’SHEREMATT’SHEREMATT’SHERE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“Dude, how’d you get here?!” Matt asked returning the hug.
“I’ve gotta ask you the same thing, but for now, come inside! Pinkie Pie here is throwing me a ‘Welcome to Ponyville’ party!” I said bringing him inside.
Matt had a brown briefcase and his backpack. I could guess the brown case was a saxophone case, but this case was new. It was bigger, suggesting it was a tenor sax inside. His backpack was seemingly full to the brim just as mine was. I introduced him to the six ponies at the party, all of whom he already knew from the show. He was a brony, unlike me, he was in heaven. The fact he was a brony was really showing through as he struggled to hold back fan-boyish squeals of delight when he heard the ponies address him. He had some difficulty not finishing the pony’s names as they introduced themselves.
Hey, dude… How’d Matt get here?
Indeed, how the hell did he end up here?
“So, when and how did you get here Matt?” I asked.
“Well, I actually don’t know how I got here.” He replied “I went to bed last night and woke up this morning in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Once I got out of the forest, I was near a cottage with a lot of animals, but no one was home. So, I decided to make my way into town, hoping I’d find someone I knew.”
“Oh dear, that must’ve been my cottage.” Fluttershy said “I’m sorry I couldn’t have helped you earlier, I had to run some errands for my animal friends and then I was late for the party so I had to come here right away, please forgive me.”
“Aw, it’s alright Fluttershy. Nothing happened to me, so no harm done.” Matt said smiling at Fluttershy holding back another squeal of delight at her cuteness, she returned the smile. “How’d you get here Jimmy?” he asked turning to me.
“Well, I’ve got almost the same story as you.” I replied “I went to bed last night and then woke up on a hill outside of Ponyville. Pinkie Pie found me and brought me to Twilight’s house to see if there was a way to get us back home.”
“And?” Matt turned to Twilight “Is there a way for us to get home? Not that I want to so far, because you girls seem pretty awesome, but is there a way?" Twilight shook her head.
“I’m sorry Matt, but it seems you two are from the very distant past. This world was ruled by humans thousands of years ago and during ‘World War Three’, as it’s referred to. The humans destroyed many of the countries that made up the world you knew. In the process, humans became extinct. Some years later, ponykind rose from the ashes of human civilisation. I’m sorry, but, not a single spell exists that could take you back in time, even if one did exist, I’m sure it would be impossible to send you both back that far. At least not forever, you might be able to go back for about thirty seconds if you’re lucky.”
“How can you be so sure we’re from the past?” Matt asked “How do you know we’re not from another world or dimension?”
“Well, honestly, I wouldn’t know. It is possible that you could be from another world.” Twilight replied “I say you are both from the distant past because humans did exist in this world at one point. If you were from another dimension or another world, we would have no knowledge of humans at all.”
Matt eyed the floor; it looked like he couldn’t believe that there was no way of getting back to our world. I thought he would’ve been happy about it. He’s in Equelvia, I mean, that’s every brony’s dream, isn’t it?
“Matt.” I said walking over to him “It doesn’t matter that we can’t explain how we got here. Hell, it doesn’t even matter how we got here. What matters is that we’re both here and that we’re together. We’ll be fine. Even if there is no way to get back, at least we’ve got each other out here.” I said in an attempt to reassure him “And look.” I said extending my arm, pointing to the group of ponies “It’s not just us here, we’ve got them too. We’ll be fine.”
“Heh, I didn’t look at it like that I guess.” Matt said giving a smile. Looked like he was accepting the fact we’d be here for a while. I guess he’s seeing the positive side now.
“Hey, no big deal, when I first got here, that’s all I was focused on too.” I replied. “Anyway, we’ve got a party going on here! Also, I was about to play some tunes, join me?”
“Let’s do this!” He said opening the brown case to reveal a shiny new tenor saxophone.
“Nice sax, you know how to handle it?” I asked jokingly.
“Naw man, I dunno what the ass I’m supposed to do with this.” He replied.
“I bet you gotta pluck those strings on it in order to play it!”
“Oh right!” He said moving his hand back and forth across the side of the saxophone attempting to pluck the invisible strings as the sax made clicking sounds across the switches he ‘plucked’. “Perfect!”
“Alright man, let’s play for real now.” I said picking up my guitar again.
“What songs are we doing?” Matt asked.
“Let’s start with Whatsername.” I replied, Matt nodded and we turned to face our audience “Okay, this first song is by a rock band called Green Day, it’s called Whatsername.” I said to the ‘crowd’.
We played through the song with Matt playing what would be the lead guitar arranged for a saxophone. After that first song, Pinkie wanted to play along with us. She left the room for hardly a second and reappeared with a full drum kit with which she was able to give us a basic rhythm section.
Our little group played through Hitchin’ a Ride, Boulevard of Broken Dreams and Basket Case to name a few of the Green Day songs we performed. We also went through Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones, Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down, The Scientist by Coldplay, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and finally Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin.
Somehow, Pinkie knew the drum parts to each song she played. When I asked Matt how she knew them, he just told me she knew them because “She’s Pinkie Pie”. There were a few things more things she could do which I couldn’t explain as well such as dangling in mid-air upside down in front of me and appearing in two places at once. I decided that that explanation would have to apply to those things too.
All the while, the audience watched and listened intently. The music of many years ago intrigued the six ponies and greatly entertained them too. There was really nopony who seemed especially intrigued by the songs, as they were all equally interested. All of them sat quietly throughout each song and cheered loudly at the end of every one.
At the end of Stairway to Heaven, the cheers were louder than they had been the whole night.
“That was incredible!” Said Twilight.
“That was AWESOME!” Shouted Rainbow Dash.
“Your performance was absolutely marvelous, darlings!” Said Rarity.
“That there’s the best guitar ‘n sax playin’ Ah’ve ever seen!” Said Applejack.
“You guys were so good!” Fluttershy said slightly above her normal volume.
“Woo! Let’s do it again!” yelled Pinkie from behind the kit.
Of course, all of these shouts were not in any specific order and were shouted along with the rest of the cheering all at once. Those were simply the shouts I was able to pick out.
“Thanks guys, it means a lot knowing you like our music!” I said gratefully.
Thank Christ for that. Their expressions seem sincere, they like us. Means we aren’t TOTAL shit at what we’re doing. Then again, they could just be really good actors.
“Like it?” said Applejack.
“We LOVE it!” Rarity continued. For a moment, everypony looked at Rarity slightly puzzled “What? I know I don’t always agree with Applejack, but I can certainly agree with her on the fact that these two are very, very good at playing their music.”
“Aw, thanks guys.” I said “I especially have to thank you, Pinkie. It was nice to have a drummer through those songs.” Pinkie giggled with delight.
“Umm… Jimmy?” Fluttershy asked quietly “If you don’t mind, could you play us one of the songs you’ve written? That is, if you want to, I mean, I don’t want to impose…”
“Of course I can, my dear.” I replied cheerfully, I turned to Matt and said “Goodbye Valentine.” I put my capo on the 2nd fret and began playing in F# to a song I wrote basically telling a girl to bugger off because she had screwed me over and I didn’t want anything to do with her. As the song finished, we were given the same kind of cheering we had gotten for Stairway to Heaven.
“That was terrific!” Twilight said “Do you have any more original songs?”
“I do, but, I can only remember all the words to one more, I’m not entirely sure you’d understand… Ah, what the hell, it doesn’t matter.” I said as I took off the capo and started playing a riff using power chords starting in D# to a song about dealing drugs that could also be easily interpreted as a song about sex. They all cheered loudly at the end of the song much like they had for the past two songs. After the cheering came the questions. I was prepared.
WAIT!!! MY BODY ISN’T READY!!! DON'T START UN-
“How come you didn’t think we’d understand the song?” Twilight asked.
“Well, Twilight, what did you think the song was about?” I replied raising an eyebrow. I had planned to test them to see how much the ponies were aware of. I wanted to see if they knew about sex and things like that. Surely they must, this isn’t a children’s show, even though they were characters from one.
“Well… Uhh… It sounded like it was about sex, is that right?” She blushed a little while giving her statement.
“Well, to be honest, yes and no.” I said. Twilight raised an eyebrow puzzled as to what I meant. “The song can be interpreted as a song about sex. But I actually wrote the song from the points of view of a drug dealer and a buyer. Not from my own experience, I just thought it was a cool idea.”
“Drugs?” Twilight asked “What do you mean?”
“Ah, so that much you’re aware of.” I replied after putting down my guitar and getting a cupcake from the food table. After taking a bite of the delicious cupcake, I turned to face Twilight and the other ponies.
Be careful with what you say, lad…
“Well, in our world, we have illegal drugs. Drugs pertain to different chemicals mixed together and sometimes cooked to make something you inject into your blood stream or something you snort. The drugs have different effects, some make you hallucinate, others make you completely numb, some make you believe you’re invincible and you cut your face off and wear it as a loincloth.”
“But… Why would people take them if they do such bad things?” Fluttershy asked looking horrified.
I don’t care if she’s horrified right now because of what you’re telling her, she’s still fucking adorable.
“Well, people get stressed with their lives and think of it as a way of coping with their problems. The drugs are very addictive and give them a ‘release’ from their problems. Really, all they do is just make problems for themselves. See, these people pay exorbitant amounts of money for the drugs and they end up putting themselves out on the streets, doing whatever filth they can to get money just so they can get their next fix. It’s disgusting. But hey, that’s the reality of the world I just left behind.”
“That sounds truly awful!” said Twilight “But why do you know so much about them?”
Don’t fucking tell the truth, don’t do it, do-
“Because,” I started “my dad sold these drugs to people…”
You twat.
“… Any drug, every drug, he could get it for whoever wanted them as long as they had the cash.” The looks on the ponies’ faces blatantly showed that they were horrified by this.
It’s time to stop posting in this thread, son. You’ve said enough.
“As I can tell, you don’t really want to hear any more about my messed up life, so I’ll save it for another time. You guys don’t have to worry about me, I’ve never done any, I’m smarter than those people. The other thing is that drugs don’t exist in this world, so you don’t have to worry about that ever affecting ponykind.”
“Wait a minute,” said Matt looking very surprised “Your dad was a dealer?”
“Yeah.” I replied “But it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Sure it doesn’t, but still man, that’s pretty messed up for you.”
“Huh, you think?” I replied. I paused for a brief moment as I finished my cupcake.
Inb4 you go against the only good advice I’ve given you all day about shutting the fuck up about this subject.
“And he goes and tells me this shit like it’s the most normal thing on the planet. Tells me he’s killed people, tells me he’s burned down people’s houses, tells me all kinds of shit.” I was on the brink of exploding in rage.
For fuck’s sake man! Stop b-
“You know what the worst part of it all was? It was that I could never turn him in. I had his word that he did it, and had seen him do it, and heard him do it. But I never had the evidence to do it. It would never work. That’s what FUCKS WITH MY HEAD THE MOST!” I yelled. The ponies expressions showed confusion and even slight fear at this point.
SHUT UP ALREADY!!
No… I need to say this…
NO YOU DON’T MAN!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! JUST LISTE-
“Hah, and the reason he did it all? What’s the reason he picked it back up?” I asked rhetorically “Oh, I’ll tell you why. It’s because he wanted me to BE PROUD of him.” I was pacing around now staring at the floor and shouting, everypony watching as I emotionally and mentally exploded in front of them.
“Isn’t that some shit? He wanted me to be proud. Yes, be PROUD that he killed people. Be PROUD he burnt people’s homes to the ground when they complained about him. Be PROUD he went around fucking every woman he looked at and rubbing it in his son’s face when he knew I could never even get close to having a girlfriend and never even had one to begin with. And all the while, claims to love me. ALL OF IT’S SHIT!!! HE COULDN’T EVEN TELL SOMEONE WHY HE LOVED ME WHEN THEY ASKED!!! IT’S… IT’S…” I finally broke down and cried. I couldn’t shout anymore. Nothing could fix what had to deal with. I’d never told anyone about it. I finally broke.
Good job, dipshit. You just put yourself in the worst position possible. They all probably think you’re some fucking psych ward escapee now. Look, here comes Doctor Fluttershy, ready to lobotomise your dumb ass.
To my surprise, Fluttershy came over to me. Why? I asked myself. Why is she walking over to me? She wiped a tear from my eye.
“It’s okay Jimmy, you don’t have to worry about your dad or any of those bad people anymore.” She said with a light, comforting smile “You’re far away from him now, and you’ve got a bunch of friends here who want to help you make a new life. Away from all of those bad things and people you’ve had to deal with.” I looked around the room to see Matt and the rest of the ponies smiling at me.
Wow… That was… Unexpected… You knew that would happen?
I had not a Goddamned clue… She's so... Kind...
“Th-thanks, Fluttershy…” I said wiping away another tear. I looked over to everypony else. “I’m sorry for my outburst just now everypony. I’ll try not to do that, especially at a party again. Speaking of which, we’re still at a party, let’s have some fun while we’re still here!” I said wanting to rekindle the happy times we were having earlier on.
The party came back to life again for the next few hours. It was good, I felt better than I had in a while. I suppose letting some people know about what was troubling me was a good idea.
As I stood by the drink table, getting myself some cider, I was reminded of my lack of outfits. I was also reminded of my unemployment. Thirdly, I needed to see what Matt had with him as far as money and clothing went.
I walked over to Matt who was standing against a wall, watching Twilight attempt to dance. He was holding back laughter. But failing. Miserably.
“Hey, Matt. Do you have any clothes in your bag?” I asked him.
“Erm… Only one change of clothes, why?” He replied.
“We need to organise something with Rarity to get some clothing, yeah?”
“Yeah, that would be a good idea.” He replied as he tapped Rarity on the shoulder as she passed behind him.
“Rarity, err, me and Jimmy are gonna need some clothing really soon, could we organise something for us to come over by you tomorrow so we could get some done for us?” Matt asked.
“Why of course, dear.” She replied “I’ve already organised for Jimmy to come over, I can fit you in as well for sure. Come over around 1 o’clock so I can do your measurements.”
“Thanks Rarity!” Matt and I said simultaneously.
“Dude, I just realised something, you haven’t organised to stay with anypony.” I told him. “Hold on a sec, Pinkie!” she bounced over.
“Hey guys, what’s up?” She asked.
“Matt’s gonna need a place to stay, can he stay with us? Do you have an extra bed he could sleep on?” I asked
“Oh yeah! I’ll go move it into the guest room now!” She said as she disappeared up the stairs before I could ask if she wanted help moving it.
“Okay, so that’s done, now, we need to get jobs. So we need to a-” I turned to where Matt was standing but he was already talking to Pinkie who was back already and over by the punch table.
“Huh, he’s quick.” I said to myself, I walked over to the punch table.
“So, what’re you guys talking about?” I asked.
“Matt’s our new cashier!” she said cheerfully.
“Ah…” I replied.
He took your job!!! He took yer job!!! He took yer jerb!!! Yelled several voices in my head as I thought of how to reply other than throwing a computer monitor at his face or rallying a group of rednecks to revert his employment status to what it was a matter of seconds ago.
“… Very good Matt, you’ve secured your employment, now to secure mine…” I said as I looked around to somepony I thought would have work for me. I eyed Applejack.
Hey, remember your thing for Southern girls?
Goddamnit, give me useful information now, not what I like in a girl dammit.
Oh ho ho, I know what you like in a girl, if you know what I mean.
Jesus Christ man...
Oh fine, she runs an orchard; maybe she’d need some help harvesting and stuff.
Seems solid, let’s give it a go.
Ha, solid... Like yo-
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER FUCKING DIRTY THOUGHTS, IN MY MOTHER FUCKING BRAIN!
I walked over to Applejack.
“Hey Applejack, umm, listen…” I started.
Yeah, start by being awkward about asking her about employment, dumbshit. That’ll get you far.
“… Do you need any help over at Sweet Apple Acres?”
“Well, Ah s’pose Ah do need some help around the farm. Why d’you ask?” she replied.
“See, I need to earn some money so me and Matt can buy our own place, I can’t exactly stay in Pinkie’s guest bedroom forever, y’know?”
“Ah understand sugar cube.” She replied “Come by the farm on Monday at 6 a.m. and Ah’ll see what kinda work I can put you up to.”
“Thanks Applejack!” I said.
“No problem, sugar cube!”
The party continued for another hour or so, it was 1 am by the time everypony had left. I started cleaning up the place but Pinkie stopped me.
“You don’t have to worry about this! I’ll have this done in a jiffy!” Pinkie said, suddenly, a pink blur zoomed around all the tables that cleaned up all the tables and floors and took down all the decorations in about 10 seconds flat. Matt and I stood with our mouths agape as there was not a single trace of there being a party here.
She would’ve been useful last year at that one party with the booze and the pool and the waking up in the laundry basket with the dog on top of you and Matt’s parents flipping out at everyone because the house was a shitstorm, don’t you agree?
I think Matt’s thinking exactly the same thing.
He must’ve been. His eyes were shifting from the ceiling to the tables and to the floor over and over. Just as they had the year before…
Matt awoke on the floor of his patio. Next to him lay an open bag of Doritos. His body felt heavy. Just a side effect of sleeping. He thought.
“Doriiiitossss…” He said reaching into the bag taking a handful of crushed Doritos.
Suddenly, several questions flew through Matt’s mind as he opened his eyes and observed his surroundings more closely.
Why was he on the floor? Why were there crushed Doritos? Why are people strewn across the floor? Why was the rum gone?
“Oh shit.” Matt said out loud. He jumped to his feet. The evidence of Matt’s booze party was everywhere. People were asleep on the floor as well as the couches and even the dining table. Spilt booze and food covered the floor. In the pool floated one passed out teenager over the back of a large rubber duck.
Matt looked to the ceiling, observing the balls of toilet paper clinging to it. To the tables, a person he didn’t know was lying in his own stomach bile while a topless girl held onto his leg. Matt then noticed this guy’s pants were inexplicably soaked and that he didn’t know who the girl was either. He looked to the floor, empty bottles of booze and soda, spilt everywhere. Soggy party food floated in the piles of spilt beverages. Where he lay was an unidentifiable white powder.
Out of the corner of Matt’s eye, Jimmy rounded the corner. Jimmy’s pants were missing and he wore a pair of Matt’s underwear on his head and a sock on his right hand. Jimmy observed the aftermath of last night’s party.
“Dude… Man… What happened…?” He asked. Matt stood speechless “Where’s the rum?”
“It’s gone… It’s all gone… All… Gone…?” Matt said nervously. Jimmy walked over to him. He observed the patio one last time.
“Well… At least we had fun.” He said “At least your parents aren’t coming home for another couple weeks.”
“… Yeah… About that…” Matt replied. Jimmy looked to Matt in shock.
“What do you mean… About that? ” He asked.
“I mean…” Matt said pointing behind Jimmy. Jimmy turned to see Matt’s parents standing in the doorway to the patio dumbfounded. Jimmy turned back to face Matt.
“Well… Fuck.” Were the last words Jimmy spoke before Matt’s parents started yelling about the state of the entire house and the wasted booze, party food and baby powder…
“That must’ve been a really fun party!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
“It was a fun party, well, at least from what I remember.” I replied “Hey, wait a minute… How do you know what happened at that party?!”
“Umm… Well… It’s past your bedtime guys! Go to bed! You guys have to wake up to go to the Carousel Boutique tomorrow to meet with Rarity!” She said hurriedly shooing us to our room.
God, suddenly she’s our mother now?
Screw that! How did she even know about that party?!
She’s Pinkie Pie.
So?!
Nigga. She. Is. Pinkie. Pie.
Wha- Jus- Why- ARGH!! FINE!!
As Pinkie shooed us into our room and practically slammed the door shut, Matt and I decided it was time to go with only a simple nod to each other.
“Well, glad we’re together man.” I said to Matt.
“Glad we are.” He replied as we hugged each other and said our good nights and drifted off to sleep.
Things actually seem okay. They’ve been a lot better than they have in a long time. Maybe, just maybe I’d finally be able to make a new life for myself…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 4 - The Wind Cries Fluttershy
The sun’s in my face. I really hate that in the morning.
Wait, what? How? The sun can’t come through my window!
I opened my eyes and sat straight up in the bed and looked around the room. I looked around and remembered that I was in the guest bedroom of Sugar Cube Corner.
“Huh, so all that really wasn’t just a trippy, super-realistic dream after all.” I said out loud. I checked my watch to see it was only 7 am.
Ugh, no wonder I'm still tired.
I usually sleep until 12 pm and I had fallen asleep at around 2 am last night. I lay back down hoping I wouldn’t be interrupted.
“Good morning boys!” Pinkie said after throwing open the door “Come on! Breakfast will be ready soon! I hope you guys like eggs!” She said as she exited the doorway and heading downstairs. I groaned as I slammed my face into my pillow. I don’t know how I was gonna function today, I was running on hardly five hours of sleep, I needed more than that. Matt got out of his bed.
“Mornin’.” He said as he stood up.
No way in hell I’m moving my face from this pillow to answer him. Too fuckin’ COMFY.
“Mghhin’.” I said with my face still in the pillow.
“What’s the matter Jimmy?” he asked with a concerned look.
“I nfmh morfh swfhp.” I replied.
“Son, get your face out the pillow and speak English.” He said walking to the closet.
Oh, screw it.
“I need more sleep, dammit.” I said raising my head for a second and slamming it back down.
“Then sleep, but you’re missing out. At least it’s not a salad for breakfast. Remember, we can’t have any kinda meat in this world, eggs are as close as you’re getting, son.” He said as he entered the closet and closed the door.
Wait… That’s the closet isn’t it?
Well, good morning to you too.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, is that the closet?
Indeed it is.
Good thing we don’t have clothes in there yet…
After a few seconds, he emerged from the closet and stated “I knew that wasn’t the bathroom.”
“Yhmp, amb I’mb mophmer fmphinh Dmphld Dpmh.” I replied with my face still fully embedded in the pillow.
“Motherfucker, if you’re gonna talk, do it out of the pillow.”
“Nmph, wmpht lpmht ypmh.”
Matt sighed, giving up on properly understanding my muffled words and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Okay son, gimme a sit rep.
A sit rep? How long?
Give it to me straight, son.
We’re in a land of magical talking ponies.
That sounds about right.
So what do?
We play along.
Really? That’s the best you can come up with?
Well, you woke up this morning, didn’t you?
Yes.
Everything’s exactly as you remember it from yesterday?
Yes…
Then we’re not dreaming. Once again: This. Is. Real. Life. Get fuckin’ used to it. It won’t be changing any time soon. Or not, I don’t know. But for now, this is the real world. Don’t kill anypony. Don’t do things that would be obvious crimes like stealing. Just play it cool. If you find a way back to our time, make the decision whether this place is better than where we were before.
I’m pretty sure it’ll be lying down in front of my laptop day after day surfing the internet aimlessly. It sounds a lot less gay than living in a world of ponies.
You know, that’s pathetic that you would pick that over an actual life.
As I wrapped up my assessment of the situation, Matt came out of the bathroom still in the clothes he had slept in. He took those off and put on the one other outfit he had with him. As he sat down on the bed to put on his shoes, he decided to attempt getting me out of bed again.
“Dude, you should probably get up now.” He said as he finished putting on his right shoe.
“Urmphhhhhhh…” I groaned as I moved my legs from off the bed onto the floor with my face still in the pillow. I positioned myself so I had my knees on the floor, my body against the side of the bed and my face still firmly stuck in the pillow. After a while I finally said “Imph nmpht mpmhing.”
“No surprises there.” He said as he got up from his bed and went to exit the room.
Warn him about Rarity.
Wait, what? Why?
Dumbass, she’s the one who’s going to be taking your measurements and shit like that. She’ll be in close proximity to you. You don’t want to smell bad. I don’t care if they are ponies, humans, cats, aliens, whatever. Smell good. Trust me, it’ll help.
Fair enough. I was gonna bathe anyway, but Matt however…
“Dude? Did you bathe this morning?” I asked after turning my head so the side of my face was now in my pillow instead of the front.
“No, I didn’t, why?” He replied looking puzzled.
“No reason, just I don’t think Rarity will appreciate the fact you haven’t bathed this morning, trust me, it’s not a great first or second impression.” I got up from the floor and bed “My advice, after you have breakfast, or just generally any time before we go to Rarity’s, take a fuckin’ shower. Pretty please, with sugar on top.” I said as I closed the bathroom door and went in the bath.
Ten minutes later, I came downstairs fully dressed in the shirt I had awoken in yesterday as well as the jeans I wore last night. The shirt from yesterday passed the sniff test, so it would be fine. I also had cologne if I needed to cover up anything. I entered the kitchen to see Pinkie Pie frying some eggs and Matt sitting at the table.
“Good morning sleepy pants!” Pinkie said as I sat down at the table for breakfast.
“Morning Pinkie.” I replied with a smile. Matt was already eating, chowing down on his eggs and toast. There was a plate piled high with toast in the center of the table. Butter and several bottles of different types of jam were on the table, only two types had I heard of before, the others had odd names which resembled the names or berries from the Pokémon games. There was one type called “Zap-Apple” which was a rainbow coloured jam that I wasn’t entirely sure what to think of.
I bet you that’s the most amazing tasting jam ever. I bet you it’s better than frickin’ Nutella!
BLASPHEMER!! THOU SHALT NOT SAY ANYTHING TASTES BETTER THAN NUTELLA!!
Well fuck your shit, I just did!
“How many eggs do you want?” Pinkie asked.
“Two please.” I replied putting a piece of toast on my plate. I picked up the bottle of Zap-Apple jam and spread some on the toast, just a little in case I did not like it. I took a bite.
Ho-lee Jee-sus.
TOLD YOU!!!
This was the most delicious thing I have ever tasted in my entire life. Even more delicious than Nutella. I can’t compare it to anything I’ve tasted before, all I know is that it was the best jam I’ve ever had in my life. I put more jam on the piece of toast and ate the entire slice in about five seconds. I decided to limit myself with this jam as I guessed this jam was either very rare or expensive, or both. I grudgingly moved the bottle back over to the other bottles. Pinkie came over to me and set down a small plate with two fried eggs on it.
“Enjoy!” She said cheerfully as she bounced out of the kitchen.
“Wait, aren’t you gonna eat with us?” I asked.
“Sorry guys, I already ate this morning. And I’ve got a couple places I’ve got to go this morning. Anyway, see ya later!” She said as she skipped out of view, I heard the front door open and shut. I looked over to Matt who was eating as though he hadn’t eaten in days.
“Dude, have you tried the Zap Apple jam?!” I asked excitedly.
“YESSSS!” He shouted “It’s FRICKIN’ AMAZING!!”
“I KNOW RIGHT?!?!!”
“Dude, I don’t care how much this costs, I just don’t give a fuck, we HAVE to get more of it!”
“Something tells me that this stuff is kinda rare, and also, more expensive than we can fathom. There’s gotta be at least one catch about something that’s THIS tasty.”
“It is rare, yeah…”
There was silence for a brief moment as our eyes shifted from the Zap-Apple jam to various spots in the room.
“But still though.”
“Abso-fuckin’-lutely.”
We finished our breakfast, washed our dishes and generally cleaned up the kitchen. Pinkie came back from her errands.
“Thanks for cleaning up guys!” She said happily, putting the groceries she had picked up on the counter. “So, what are you guys gonna do today?”
“Well, we have to be over by Rarity’s by one, its only quarter to eight right now… Hmm.” I looked to Matt, he knew far more about this place and what we could do than I did “What should we do?” I asked.
“I dunno, I suppose we could visit the others. That is, if anyone’s up for hanging out this early in the morning.” Matt replied, Pinkie laughed.
“Silly-billy! It’s Sunday!” Pinkie pointed out “Hardly anypony’s working today! Of course they’ll wanna hang out! You guys should go hang out with Fluttershy. She’d like the company I’m sure! You should bring your instruments over there; she really liked the music you guys were playing last night!”
“Really? Well then, we shall!” Matt said going upstairs.
“Alright, I guess that’s where I’m going then.” I said as I approached the stairs.
“Have fun Jimmy! I’ve got a couple more errands to run, I’ll see you tonight!” Pinkie replied heading out the front door.
I followed suit and collected my guitar and amp, I decided not to bother with the pedal because there was already overdrive on the amp and I didn’t plan on breaking out any of my effects over there.
We left Sugar Cube Corner and Matt and I headed to Fluttershy’s cottage using Matt’s brony knowledge and memories of the day before when he had walked from the cottage to Ponyville. The walk only lasted about ten minutes. We got to the door and could hear Fluttershy singing something.
Sounds familiar... Certainly isn’t the My Little Pony theme.
You’re implying they actually reference the song in the show.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.
Wait a minute… That’s…
“Dude, you recognise the song she’s singing?” I asked him.
“What is it? It’s really familiar… Wait… Is that the tune to Whatsername?!” He replied.
“Yeah it is! Huh, I guess she did like our music quite a bit then. Rather, Green Day’s music.” I said as I knocked on the door. I heard a small gasp from inside, then light hoof-steps that sounded as though they were coming closer. Fluttershy opened the door slowly cowering a bit behind it.
“Oh, hi Jimmy, hi Matt, what brings you two here?” Fluttershy asked, no longer cowering like she was at first.
“Not much, Pinkie told us you needed some company, so, we decided to come over to hang out with you.” Matt said “You don’t mind, do you?”
“Oh no, of course I don’t mind, come in.” Fluttershy said opening the door more for us to come inside. Inside the house were many bird houses and generally, miniature houses which I guessed were for her animal friends that she took care of as well as many small baskets that were beds for some of the larger animals. There was a small green couch in the corner of the room next to a window. There was a fireplace which had several pots near it as well as one that hung over the fire.
Cozy… Smells like animals…
No shit, Sherlock.
No, no, I’m quite sure animals have shat in here.
“So, what did you want to do?” Fluttershy asked.
“Well, I was about to ask you the same question.” I replied “Is there anything in particular you want to do?”
“Umm, well, I really don’t know…” Fluttershy said quietly.
Bring up Whatsername, get into talking about music. She surely isn’t going to start any conversation!
“I heard you singing Whatsername just before we knocked.” I said.
“Oh! Oh dear, I-”
“It was really, really good. Especially for someone who’d only heard the song once.” I interrupted.
“You’re not mad, are you?” She asked.
Lawl, them silly shy bitches, thinkin’ everything they do upsets a nigga an’ shit…
“What? Why would I be mad? I’m happy somepony likes the music we play!”
“I don’t know… I just think like that sometimes…”
Well, at least she knows she does…
“Fluttershy…” I walked over to her and put a hand on her shoulder, she blushed a little bit “We’d never get mad at you for something silly like that, stop worrying your cute little head so much.” I said smiling. She smiled back.
“I suppose that was kind of silly to think that.” She giggled.
OH MAI GAWD SHE’S SO ADORABLE!!! I WANNA HUG HER AND SQUEEZE HER AND PET HER AN-
“Just a bit.” I replied “Now, would you like to learn the words to that song?” I asked.
“Oh yes please!” She said flying over to the couch “It would be so much nicer to know the words to that song too instead of just the melody.”
Over the course of the morning, I taught her the words to that song as well as the words to Stairway to Heaven as well as a song we didn’t play the night before which was Last Night On Earth by Green Day. She picked up on the words very quickly for each one as she already had an idea of what they were from hearing me sing the songs. Each song she sang fit her voice surprisingly well; she truly had the voice of an angel. All throughout our playing, Matt had a fanboy-ish grin on his face as he listened to the yellow Pegasus sing.
After a good few hours of playing music and talking, it was nearing mid-day and we all felt hungry and decided to go somewhere to get something to eat.
“So where are we going for lunch?” Matt asked me as the three of us walked out of the cottage.
“I don’t know; I don’t know any restaurants in Ponyville.” I replied “Hmm, Fluttershy, what’s your favourite restaurant?”
“Oh… Well… I don’t really have a favourite… I like any restaurant where the waiters are nice and don’t mess up my order and the food tastes good…” Fluttershy replied. Matt and I looked at each other for a moment with a look that said ‘did she really just say that?’ and we looked back to Fluttershy.
Y’know, all that stuff is kinda adorable… But she’s naïve as all hell, this is getting a bit too ridiculous.
“Okay well, which restaurant have you eaten at most recently?” I asked.
“Oh, well the last one I ate at, the waiter wasn’t very nice.” Fluttershy said closing the door. Matt and I gave each other the ‘is she serious?’ look.
Oh for fuck’s sake…
“Okay, okay. Which was the last restaurant that you ate at that you LIKED?” I asked in a final attempt to find out where we’re going for lunch.
“Oh… Well, there was this one called ‘The Mane Course’, I li-”
Stop her.
“That’s where we’re going.” I interrupted before she could say something that would make me and Will give each other the ‘are you fucking kidding me’ look.
We arrived at The Mane Course after a little more than ten minutes. Luckily, we were able to take a seat right away regardless of it being the time when the lunch hour rush would be coming along. We looked through the menu, Fluttershy choosing very quickly what she wanted by taking all of ten seconds to glance over her menu and then she put it down on table and started looking at some birds that were flying around a nearby tree.
The average prices of the meals were about twenty bits each per dish. I decided this outing would be on me, simply because I was loaded and there wasn’t any way in hell Fluttershy was paying. The menu consisted of different types of salad, sandwiches which contained flowers, and pasta. I was surprised that there was pasta for a second and then I thought of why the hell horses COULDN’T eat pasta. There was a dish called the ‘Red Pasta Salad’ which was pasta, tomato sauce, beets and carrots.
Mmm… Beets… You best pick that son… I will whoop your ass if you don’t p-
“I’m gonna have this pasta salad.” I stated “Looks delicious!”
“That’s what I was going to have too,” Fluttershy said looking surprised “How did you know I liked that?”
“Dude, where do you see that?” Matt asked.
Permission to ignore rule number one of Bro Code stating ‘Bros before Hoes’ and answer the female?
Granted.
“I didn’t know, I guess we just have similar tastes.” I said to Fluttershy with a smile. I then turned to Matt and pointed a finger at the very top of the second page on Matt’s menu. Matt face-palmed when he realised that he had missed it.
“I’ll have that too, I suppose.” He said, still looking through the rest of the menu.
Hey…
What is it?
Something’s off here lad. What did you say to Fluttershy just now? Something about similar tastes?
Yeah… Why?
Look at her. She’s only now looking at that part of the menu.
You’re right… So? Maybe she thought something was in it and couldn’t remember...
Shut up a minute and let me finish.
Okay…
There’s another thing: Her taste in music. Maybe she’s just got good taste, but even the stuff she shouldn’t like that you’ve played around her, like your originals, she’s liked them.
Maybe her taste in music isn’t reflected in her personality?
Come on, son. You know that’s not the case.
Then what is the case?
Think about how she’s been looking at you when you play. Her eyes are dilated. In fact, that happens every time she looks at you. Albeit, only for a second because she seems to get nervous if you look directly back.
What does that mean then?
You know exactly what I mean. I think she likes you.
Get the fuck out. She doesn’t.
I believe she does.
No she fucking doesn’t, shut up.
You are wrong on so many levels, it isn’t even funny.
Go fuck yourself, she doe-
“Jimmy!!” Matt semi-yelled “Your order? You were having the Red Pasta Salad, right?”
“The who?” I said as I was still trying to regain full consciousness from my conversation with myself “Oh, yeah, I was having that, yeah, sorry about that, heh heh…” I’m a dumbass.
So much for not going off into deep conversation with yourself while in public.
Yeah, well, that’s probably not gonna ever change.
Seriously though, what do you plan to do about Fluttershy?
Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to establish the usage of my dick with you?
A few more times until it sinks in. This is a different situation however. This has to do with love and that kind of shit rather than just animal instinct.
Well the rules remain the same. It’s a pony. She’s cute, yes, but not fuckable. Not by my standards. It isn’t happening. No sir, not any fucking day this week, next week, month, year, century, millennia or ever. Fuck you, it isn’t happening. I like human women. Not half-pony, half-women things. Not female ponies. Human. Women. You get m-
“Jimmy!” Matt semi-yelled again. “Your food’s been here for like 5 minutes, you’ve been staring at your fork like some kinda retard or something. What’s happening with you?”
“Huh? Oh, uhh, food, right, eating yeah, heh heh… Yeah…” I said, feeling like a dumbass. Again. I proceeded to eat my pasta salad. Even the pasta was orange coloured, making it truly a ‘Red’ salad. We finished our food and I paid the bill which was only sixty bits. I tipped ten bringing the total up to seventy.
Watch your money, man…
Goddamn it, I can afford not to be a total Jew with my money sometimes y’know!
Still though. Just cuz you’ve got another four thousand where that came from, it doesn’t mean you should go around spending it like you do. You have goals you’re working towards after all.
Oh whatever, fine.
“Thank you for bringing me to lunch, guys.” Fluttershy said smiling.
“Ahh, it’s no problem Shy, anytime.” I said stroking her mane once, she blushed much more than I had previously seen.
Nigger, what the fuck are you doing? ‘Shy’? Stroking her mane? What is she, your girlfriend now? What was all that shit about earlier then? Are you gonna ask her back to Sugar Cube for a quickie or something? What the fuck are you on?!
I looked to Matt who was giving me a ‘oh shit nigger, what the fuck are you doing?’ look.
I hope that’s because he’s concerned you seem like you’re interested in sexing up a pony rather than because he wants to sex up the same pony.
Fluttershy took a step back trying to regain her composure. Failing miserably, as expected.
“I, umm, have to get back to my cottage to feed my animal friends.” She said “Bye guys, thanks again.” She said as she turned and headed back the way we had come and we waved her off. As soon as she was out of earshot, Matt smacked me on the back of the head.
“Dude, what was that just now?” Matt asked.
“What was what?” I replied.
“You, all of you just now at lunch. Why were you so out of it?”
“I… I was having a bit of a moment. I still am a little bit.”
“And what would that be exactly?”
“Well… I was trying to piece together a puzzle. It’s probably just me overthinking things, like I usually do. But… I think Fluttershy likes me.” I said while giving Matt the most serious look I could muster.
“Well, gee whiz, that wasn’t obvious.” He replied sarcastically “Really, especially that just now, when you stroked her mane. I’d say from that, you like her too.”
“That’s the thing! I don’t!”
“Then why’d you do it?”
“I have not the slightest clue. I guess I was employing normal ‘girl I like’ moves rather than ‘girl you’re friends with’ moves. I don’t screw horses man. I don’t look at, and never will, look at furry porn intentionally. Nor will I become a furry.”
“Well, you do have to realise something: What if there are no other girls in this world?”
“That’s what I’m dreading. If that is the case, then I’ll consider it. If I like somepony enough, then I’ll consider. But otherwise, not a Goddamned chance will I think of it.”
Way to contradict yourself, dickwad.
I’m speaking realistically now. Seriously, how long do you think it’ll be before there are no human girls here and you develop something of a relationship with somepony?
I… Okay, I see your point. You try to re-enforce that point about you with ponies far too strongly. Thou doth protest too much.
Stop pretending to know Shakespeare.
“Okay, just making sure you’re still here.” Matt replied with a sigh of relief.
“Two things man:” I started “One, do you like her? Answer me honestly.”
“Dude… Just because I’m a brony doesn’t mean I want Fluttershy as my actual wife rather than just waifu.”
“Okay, okay, just checking.”
“What’s the second thing?”
“Go take a shower.” I said pointing to Sugar Cube Corner. Matt looked at the watch he kept on attatched to his belt and saw that it was 12:45.
“D’oh shit!” He said as he bolted for Sugar Cube Corner.
I chuckled to myself and started making my way to the Carousel Boutique which was in sight from where I was standing. Matt should have no issue finding it. Also, he can ask Pinkie where it is if he needed to. What was I doing about Fluttershy? I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get to it...
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 5 - Sir Psycho Sexy
I walked inside the Carousel Boutique. The colour scheme of the boutique was pink and purple. There were mirrors with gold trim everywhere, some of which were mounted in front of desks that looked as though they were used for putting on make-up. In the center of the room, there was a small platform with three mirrors around it. There were several… Pony-quins, in the room as well that were displaying different outfits.
Uggghhhhhhh… Fashion-y shit… Bleghhhhh…
Well, we’re only here for a while, so calm your tits.
Uggghhhhhhhhh… Can we go home now? I’m hungryyyy, are we there yet? I’m booooored…
God, do you know how friggin’ childish you are?
As childish as you are.
I am not childish, you are!
No you!
No y- Oh my God, I’m arguing with myself over how childish I am. I need mental help. Now.
YOU DON’T SAY.
I started looking at the outfits on display in order to take my mind off my childish nature. I went closer to one of them that was covered in different coloured gemstones.
“Are these real gemstones?” I asked myself poking at one of the larger rubies on the outfit.
Hey… Hey… You should totally steal these gems… No one will notice… We need the c-
“Why, hello there darling!” Rarity called out as she entered the room.
OH SHIT SON! ABANDON OPERATION GEM-STEALER IMMEDIATELY!! LOOK INNOCENT YOU SON OF A BITCH! LOOK INNOCENT!!!
“Oh, hello Rarity.” I said moving away from the pony-quin attempting to hide the fact I had been poking at her outfits.
WE WEREN’T GOING TO STEAL THE GEMS OFF THE CLOTHES!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A HORRIBLE THING? I MEAN YOU’D HAVE TO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO MORALS IN ORDER TO EVEN BEGIN CONSIDERING SOMETHING LIKE THAT! THAT’S SIMPLY PREPOSTOROUS!
“You’re a few minutes early I see… Where’s Matt?”
“Matt had something to do at Sugar Cube Corner before he came here. He should be here soon though, don’t worry.”
“That’s quite alright, my dear.” She replied “Do you like it?” she said walking over to the pony-quin I was standing next to.
“Well, yes, it’s a beautiful dress…” I tried to think of how to word this without insulting her.
IT’S SHIT. IT’S TOTAL FUCKING SHIT. I HATE THIS FUCKING DRESS. IT LOOKS STUPID. YOU’RE STUPID FOR EVEN MAKING THIS DRESS.
Yes. The exact opposite of what he said.
“I quite like gemstones, but I personally wouldn’t think of wearing clothes with gemstones on them.”
“Why not?”
“Ehh, I suppose it’s just my taste. I like gems of all kinds. Just not on my clothes, y’know what I mean?”
“I suppose.” Rarity said with obvious supressed disagreement in her voice. “So, this means I won’t have to use any gemstones in your clothing then?”
“Yeah, if possible.”
“Oh, of course it’s possible, my dear. Not all of my outfits are as glamorous as these are.”
Bro, I think she was trying to say you’re un-fabulous. WHAT’CHU GOT TO SAY TO THAT?
Nothing. I don’t want to be considered fabulous, thank you.
“Well, I may as well get started with you then, come along darling.” Rarity said as she put on hoof on the stairs.
Hee-hee, she called you ‘darling’…
Yaaaay… I like that… I don’t know why…
She guided me up the stairs to her ‘inspiration room’ which really just seemed to be her bedroom with a lot of cloth and papers with designs for outfits lying around. There were several pony-quins without clothes on next to the window on the opposite side of the room from the door. There was a shelf with rolls and rolls of every colour of cloth imaginable. Next to the shelf was a desk with a sewing machine and just as many spools of thread as there were rolls of cloth. Across from that was a large bed that looked incredibly comfortable, but I had to resist the urge to jump on it and go to sleep. Rarity picked up a measuring tape with her magic and brought it over to me.
“Stand up straight for a moment please.” She asked. I stood up straight as the measuring tape floated around me and measured my body and limbs. “So what kind of clothes did you want, my dear? Formal, casual, what did you have in mind?”
“Well,” I started saying as I watched the measuring tape start measuring the circumference of my head.
What do I want again? I can only think hats right now, but only if they’re from Team Fortress 2.
You’re a fucking idiot.
I really want a Towering Pillar of Hats hat... Oh right!
“I really just wanted mostly casual clothing. Like what I’m wearing right now. I did want a couple outfits that are formal, for the occasional outing that they’ll be necessary for. Erm, you guys have winter here, right?”
“Of course we do, darling, why do you ask?” she said finally putting the measuring tape down on her desk.
“We don’t have winter where I’m from. Before I came here, I lived on an island, you see. So we didn’t get winter. It’s sunny all year long. It sounds great and all, but really, it’s just uncomfortable because of the heat.” I stated. I took a step over to Rarity who was drawing up something.
“Wait, no, stay there and talk, I’m trying to draw up an outfit for you.” She said before I could take another step.
“Err… So just stay here then?” I said without moving from the spot I was in.
“Yes, my dear, that’s fine.”
“Okay, right, uhh… Another thing about my clothes, could you make them so they’ve got some room to breathe? I really don’t like wearing clothes that stick to me. No matter if it’s hot or cold or anything…”
“That won’t be a problem, my dear.” She said.
Nothing to do? Let’s start thinking about the latest porn we watched!
No.
Why the fuck not?
Because I said so. I am going to think about rabbits instead.
Ah, furry porn then…
You’re an asshole.
Anal furry porn? Boy, you really want to think about some kinky shit right now.
Oh Goddamnit…
I waited a few minutes while she drew up designs, furiously erasing any mistakes she had made. From what I could see, the designs were only for suits so far.
“That should do the trick!” She said and suddenly, several scissors floated in the air along with several needles threaded with different colours and different colour pieces of cloth that were black, green, red, white and blue.
In the blink of an eye, four outfits were ready and were floating in the air in front of me. Two of these outfits were simply t-shirts with long pants which weren’t quite jeans, but were close enough. One of these outfits consisted of a green t-shirt coupled with a pair of black long pants. The other was a red shirt with blue long pants that looked very much like a pair of normal jeans. The other two outfits were full suits, one of which was black with a green tie and white undershirt. The other was red with a white undershirt with a blue tie.
I like them. I like them a lot. On a scale of yellow to potato, I enjoy them 1.21 Jigawatts.
I don’t know what that means…
IT MEANS I LIKE THEM YOU RETARD.
Oh, right.
“So, do you like these outfits?” Rarity asked with a hint of worry in her voice.
“Like them...?” I started still staring at the suits. I paused for a moment for effect. “I LOVE these!” Rarity sighed with relief that her first attempts at human clothes were successful. “These suits are awesome! They’re actually just what I wanted!”
“Well, I’m glad you like them, darling.” Rarity replied happily. “Do you like the colour scheme I picked for you?”
“Yes, these are all my favourite colours, how did you know? Please, for my other clothes, keep these colours please. I don’t like yellows and such in my clothing. These colours are absolutely perfect!”
“No problem, my dear. Now, is there anything else you had in mind?” She asked.
We are going to require undergarments. Of all kinds.
Oh dear…
Good luck with this situation, I’m gonna go grab a chair, some popcorn and a big-ass soda and watch this shit unfold.
Wait! I need you for this! Come back!
. . .
Gerderrmit… Oh well…
“Actually, there’s just one more thing, but it’s really just extra wardrobe rather than entire outfits.” I stated.
Here we go…
“Well what is it my dear?” Rarity asked looking puzzled.
Well, I may as well go with the safe requests first.
“I wanted a couple more of the shirts like this.” I said pointing at the white undershirt inside the suit. “One just like this that’s black. Another shirt I wanted was like this shirt I’m wearing now but in red.” I said tugging at the green, short-sleeved dress shirt I was wearing over my white t-shirt like a jacket.
“No problem my dear, was there anything else?”
“I’ll need some socks as well…”
“Darling, I can tell you’re holding something back. Tell me, what is it?”
“Umm… Well…” I stammered. Rarity continued giving me a puzzled look.
Screw it, I’ll just say it, I have to.
“I don’t know if ponies wear these, but umm… I need… Undergarments.”
“What do you mean exactly?” She asked.
Oh shit. She doesn’t know about underwear. Oh shit. Well, this is gonna be the most awkward thing ever. I definitely can’t just show her, not now. I’ll describe it, yeah, I mean, it’s underwear, how hard can that be, right?
“Okay. Humans wear clothes, under our clothes. It has to do with perspiration and comfort and stuff like that. Men only wear boxer shorts which are basically shorts that have an elastic waistband. So, I’m asking if you could do up some stuff like that for me too.”
“I’m not entirely sure I understand what they are, what do they look like exactly? I can’t see how that would help anything with your clothing.”
Oh boy. Welp, I’m screwed; even Matt couldn’t save me from this. It was bound to happen. It’d either be me or him having this happen to them. I’ll have to show her… Oh boy…
PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! OH THIS IS PRICELESS!! I AM NEVER LETTING YOU FORGET THIS!!
“I’ll show you what I mean.” I said as I slowly pulled down my pants to reveal my dark green boxer shorts.
“Ah, that’s what you mean, well why didn’t you just show me earlier darling?”
LAWL WHAT?!?! AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAA!!!
Oh God, oh God, what do I do? This isn’t good.
She started tugging at the boxers and poking at them, checking what kind of material they were made of and seeing that the waistband was elastic.
Stop her! Stop her!! STOP HER!!!
NO!! DON’T!! THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!
“Umm… Could you please not poke around there…? Please?” I said blushing and trying with all possible mental ability to think of something that would not be arousing.
“But my dear, I have to see what kind of material these are made of so I understand how to go about what I’m doing.” She replied still poking around. I covered my eyes in horror, praying to God I didn’t get a boner at this moment in time.
Don’t get a boner, don’t get a boner, don’t get a fucking boner…
ERECTIN’ A DISPENS- I mean... PENIS!
God-fucking-damnit, I hate having a penis right now. I really do. This is plain fucking ridiculous. If there was one time when I did not want a penis, it was right now.
Just at that moment, Matt opened the door and looked inside.
“Hey guys, sorry I’m la-” He stopped as he saw Rarity with her head in front of my crotch; one hoof raised and pulling at my boxers. I turned around and saw Matt. My concentration broke.
Dear Jesus H. Christ no.
ALL SYSTEMS OPERATIONAL! ERECTION SUCCESSFUL!... WHAT?!?! MATT?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HOLY FUCK THIS IS JUST LIKE A FRIGGIN’ SITCOM OR SOMETHING!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!
“This is going to sound completely cliché, but… It really is NOT what it looks like.” I replied in the calmest voice I could use.
“Umm… My dear…” Rarity blushed “It seems you’re a bit, umm, excited…?” I looked down in front of me to see my boxers bulging an extra six and a half inches that they shouldn’t be bulging. Rarity’s muzzle was hardly 2 inches away as she eyed Mr. Wong in shock. Rarity backed away blushing bright red.
Ahhhhh… That was hilarious… Oh fuck, now I’ll give you some good advice: Tell Rarity that it ain’t gonna suck itself. Right now. Do it. That will complete everything.
My expression turned from one of horror to one of complete indifference. I just could not see how this situation could get any worse unless the rest of the ponies I knew decided to walk in at this particular moment in time. I simply pulled up my pants. Did up my belt. Pulled up my zipper.
You fuckin’ queer… Can’t even listen to me when I give you a surefire way to acquire head.
“Rarity, I’m going to need about three more of the casual outfits as well as some boxer shorts, six should do, six pairs of socks and that should cover everything. Thank you. I’ll be downstairs trying to find the bottle of brain bleach.” I said as I turned and saw Matt standing in the door with his mouth agape. “It was gonna happen to either you or me, buddy.” I patted him on the back as I walked out the door.
I sat down on one of the chairs I found downstairs and awaited Rarity and Matt to come back down.
Well, that was fun!
You’re a cunt.
Yup! What’chu gonna do about it?
I’ll get you back someday. I don’t know how, but I will.
You’re gonna get yourself back for that? By embarrassing yourself more? Have fun with that, dipshit.
Wait, wh- Oh… Right. Fuck you.
In about half an hour, Matt came downstairs. He sat down in the chair opposite me.
“So…” He started, “You had trouble describing… Underwear…”
“Oh screw off, if you were in my position you probably would’ve done the same.” I replied with a slight bit of anger and a lot of embarrassment in my voice.
“I woul-… You’re probably right.”
“I know I’m right. I know you too well and you know me just as well. Our thoughts are very much alike, which is exactly why we’re awesome.”
“Exactly.”
Matt and I talked for the next hour or so about any and everything that came to our minds. That mostly consisted of talk of video games and funny pictures and videos we had seen in our travels to the internet. We didn’t touch on the Rarity Incident again. This was perfectly understandable.
NOT TO ME!
Rarity came downstairs at around quarter to three levitating a red suitcase and a blue suitcase with her; both seemed quite full of clothing.
“Here you are, boys.” She stated levitating the suitcases over to us “The red one is Matt’s and the blue one is Jimmy’s.”
“Rarity.” I started “I’m sorry about our… Incident earlier on.”
“It’s quite alright my dear.” She replied “I’m not a filly, I know how a boy’s parts work, its fine.”
There was a very brief silence.
“We’ve all agreed to never speak of that incident. Haven’t we?” She asked. I figured the question was somewhat rhetorical, but…
“Agreed.” Matt and I said simultaneously.
“Oh yes, Jimmy. I included some extra work clothes I made for you in there. Matt told me you were going to be working with Applejack, and I wouldn’t want you to get all your casual clothes ruined, so I put together some simple shirts for you that you can wear to work as well as some pants like the ones you and Matt are wearing. They breathe well so they won’t be too hot or anything of the sort.”
“Thank you, Rarity.” I replied “How much do we owe you?” I said taking out my wallet.
“Oh, don’t worry about it my dear, these outfits were a trial run, I won’t charge you for these.”
“But Rarity…”
ARE YOU RETARDED?! SHE SAID THEY’RE FREE!! WHY ARE YOU PUSHING THIS?!
“No buts, I’ve made my decision. You’re not paying me for these.” I could see there was no swaying her. Something Matt had told me earlier about her being the element of generosity said that she wouldn’t budge from this.
“Thank you, Rarity, this really means a lot. We owe you.”
“You owe me nothing, my dear.” We said our goodbyes and left with our new wardrobes. As we started our walk home, hardly a few steps away from the boutique, me and Matt looked at each other for a brief moment and broke down in laughter.
“Dude” I said between a stream of laughter “That was the most AWKWARD thing ever!!!” I continued laughing the hardest I’d ever laughed.
“Oh my God!!!” was all Matt was able to muster between his laughs. Then we heard a voice calling to us.
“I TOLD YOU NOT TO MENTION THAT MOMENT AGAIN!!!” Rarity shouted from one of the windows on the second floor of the boutique.
From years of experience with females and a PhD in female behaviour, I can assure you that she mad.
“Sorry!” We shouted back. We picked up our suitcases and headed back to Sugar Cube Corner. That was a fun day.
Wonder what kind of madness will happen tomorrow?
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 6 - Working Class Hero
The rest of our Sunday was spent in the guest room playing songs with each other as well as me working out parts for Matt in other songs we had never gotten around to playing together that had capacity for a saxophone part.
At dinner, we met the owners of Sugar Cube Corner, Mr. and Mrs. Cake as well as their twin babies Pound and Pumpkin. They had just come back from a trip to Fillydelphia to participate in a food festival. They had brought the twins along with them because while they trusted Pinkie to babysit them, it was a week they would be gone and Pinkie would have to run the shop as well as take care of the twins. That would definitely be too much for one pony to handle; even Pinkie admitted she probably couldn’t handle all of that. After meeting them, we informed Mr. and Mrs. Cake we should be with them no longer than two weeks. Or so we hoped, we still had to find out the price of a house, and if we couldn’t buy one at the end of the two weeks we limited ourselves to, we’d at least be making enough cash to be able to rent one. After dinner, Matt and I cleaned up for Pinkie and the Cakes so they could go to bed as they would have to resume work tomorrow and they had just come back from a long trip. After we cleaned up, we came back upstairs and got ready for bed.
“Dude, we should really be going out tonight and check out the local music scene.” Matt suggested.
“Not tonight man.” I said putting my guitar in its case. “We’re both starting work tomorrow. Mine is actual labour, so I have to have enough sleep or I’m gonna be useless. I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow as far as what Applejack’s gonna have me doing, I just hope I’m competent at whatever jobs Applejack gives me to do.”
Be working like black people in them there cott-
Shut the fuck up. Now.
“Lucky I spoke to Pinkie first, eh?” Matt replied wearing his best troll face.
“Aw shaddap.” I replied. “Also, Sunday night? Music scene? Come on, man. No one’s gonna have a party Sunday night, especially when everypony’s got work the next day. The good days would be on Friday and Saturday. Don’t you think?”
“Perhaps.” He agreed. Something then crossed my mind that I had meant to ask Matt earlier. It was unrelated to what we had been talking about, but was very important regardless.
“Hey Matt,” I started “Do you have any money with you?”
“Yeah, I’ve got about 1800 bits, why?”
“We gotta pool our cash together so we can buy a house, don’t we?”
“Yeah, sorry, I had meant to tell you that I had money with me, it slipped my mind I guess.”
“Ah, no problem, man.” There was a pause for only about a minute when I broke the silence with another question “Do you think anyone else from our world is here? Anyone we know?”
“I dunno man. Maybe.”
“Hmm… Do you remember if you had a dream before you woke up in the Everfree Forest?”
“Actually yeah, I do remember something I dreamt of.” Matt sat up in his bed and put his left hand to his forehead closing his eyes, trying to remember what happened in his dream. “All I really remember from the dream are people. I know you were there. I think I saw Paul for a second there, but I can’t be sure.”
“Anyone else?”
“Not that I can remember, no.”
“Hmm… All right then.”
“Did you dream of anything that night?”
“I did, but I only remember one thing from the dream.”
“What’s that?”
“Laughter and screaming. Not the kinds you hear at parties.”
“Wow… That’s… Somewhat disturbing.”
“Heh, yeah. I didn’t see anything in the dream, all I heard was laughter. It was that of a child’s voice accompanied by a woman’s own. The screaming, well, it may have been those same two voices. They alternated between it. The child would laugh evilly and the woman would scream and then the other way around and it would repeat. All I remember at the end of the dream, the woman’s laughter had become extremely loud and maniacal and the child’s voice screamed ‘No, mommy!’ I have no idea what that could relate to if it means anything. I doubt it does, but… Aghhh… My dreams are still really messed up, man. My subconscious is that of a serial killer or something.” Matt could only stare in horror at the sound of my dream. I’m surprised he didn’t tell me to shut up about it like he normally does when a story I tell him scares him.
“Well, hopefully it means nothing.”
“I hope so too.”
It was only 8 pm during this conversation, but I decided I needed to sleep from now until 5 am when I’d get up and get ready for work. Applejack had told me to come to Sweet Apple Acres at 6 am, I was going to try and be early for work. I stress the ‘try’ in that statement quite a bit. So I told Matt good night, and fell asleep within the next 5 minutes.
I awoke to the alarm of my iPod going off. It was precisely 5 am. The alarm was an air-raid siren that if we were at war, it would scare anyone half to death if they heard it. I turned it off after much difficulty of trying to get it off the dresser because my hand alone couldn’t find it right away. I had to make the effort of turning my head to look at the table to see where it was.
Stupid hands, not having eyes in them and shit.
I sat up on the edge of the bed, grabbed my towel from the foot of the bed where it hung and went in the shower. By 5:15 I was out of the bathroom almost completely dressed with only my shoes still to put on. I was wearing a white shirt that was very light that Rarity had given me as a work shirt as well as my jeans from the day before and a green baseball cap that she had made as well. After my shoes were on, I went downstairs to find Pinkie Pie making breakfast.
“Good morning Jimmy! You ready for work this morning?” Pinkie said bouncing towards me cheerfully.
How the fuck is she such a morning pony?
“As ready as I’ll ever be I guess.” I said still trying to get out of my groggy state. “I can see you’re quite the morning pony.”
“Oh, I don’t usually wake up this early. I woke up early because I knew you were gonna need breakfast and that you wouldn’t make breakfast own your own. Even if you did, it’d just be a bit of toast with some jam on it and that won’t do, especially for the work you’re gonna be doing!” She said as she sat me down at the table, putting two fried eggs on a plate with a slice of toast and pouring me a glass of apple juice.
“… How did you know?” I asked.
“It’s a secret!” She said giggling.
I really don’t get how she knows you this well… This is getting weird even for me. I mean, yeah, she cooks tasty breakfast but… How does she know how we do things and shit?
I dunno mang… I dunno…
“Well, thank you very much Pinkie.” I said as I started eating. She sat down with her own breakfast and ate with me.
“Twilight came by yesterday while you guys were at Rarity’s.” She stated “She was looking for you two.”
“Oh really?” I asked rhetorically “What for?” I asked as I started drinking some of my apple juice.
“She said something about Princess Celestia and Luna wanting to meet you both.” As soon as my mind comprehended that statement, I nearly choked on my apple juice. I coughed a bit and held out a finger gesturing her to wait a moment for my response.
Sounds intredasting, we get to go meet the pony princesses! How incredibly GAY is this?!
“Wait, how is Twilight in contact with the princess? And why would the princesses want to meet us?”
“She didn’t tell you?” Pinkie asked with a surprised look “Twilight is one of Princess Celestia’s students. Twilight’s really good at magic and stuff and she’s been Celestia’s personal student in magic ever since she was just a filly. They’re almost like mother and daughter, which is kinda weird because the Princess doesn’t have any kids and Twilight has parents.”
notbad.jpg
“Okay, that’s pretty awesome.” I stated “But that doesn’t explain why the princesses would want to meet me and Matt.”
“Oh, that’s easy. You guys are enemies of the state now. Of course she’ll want to meet you in the courtroom! If she feels like giving you a trial.”
OH CUNT.
“WHAT??!?!?!” I shouted in a genuinely scared voice.
“Oh relax silly! I’m only kidding! She wants to meet you because you guys are from a long time ago and she wants to help figure out how you got here and learn more about you and stuff.”
Oh thank Christ, I would’ve hated having to kill Pinkie just now. Hiding her body and all that stuff… It's tiring work! Gotta do it fast too!
“Phew… Okay, that sounds better than she wants to put us in the dungeon for the remainder of our lives or have us executed by this afternoon at the earliest.” I said as I took our plates to the sink and washed them.
After I finished washing up I bode Pinkie farewell and was on my way to Sweet Apple Acres. The roads sure were different in the dark, at least there was no screams of bloody murder or anything as I walked down the empty streets. The streets were horribly lonely. I felt like something was wrong, but that might’ve just been me. I can’t see anypony jumping out of the shadows holding a knife to me telling me to give up all my bits. I didn’t even have any on me to give them, so it probably would’ve been the end of me if that happened. I decided to use my iPod for the rest of this walk. So I put on my headphones and listened to some music as I followed the directions Matt had given me to get to Sweet Apple Acres.
After about fifteen minutes I finally arrived at a large red house that resembled a barn. In front of it was an arch way that connected to the white fences that gated off the orchard from the pathway. There was a well just past the archway with a few barrels on one side as well as a bucket. Just past the barrels was a field that seemed to be dedicated solely to corn. There was a small chicken coop opposite the well. In the not-too-distant distance was a field of carrots. Just behind that was a building that from what I could tell was carrot themed. Behind the barn were many fields and hills filled with apple trees. I checked the clock on my iPod, I was early. I was possibly a bit too early. It was only 5:36.
Well, I can’t see Applejack waking up at 5:59 and harvesting apples at 6 am on the dot, so she must be awake by now.
I walked up the barn-looking house and knocked on what I hoped was the front door. Applejack answered the door after a few seconds. It was a stable door. She opened the top half of the door.
“Hey there Jimmy, bright’n early Ah see.” She said quite cheerfully.
“Well, not really bright yet, just early.” I replied.
OH HO HO! IS FUNNY BECAUSE THE SUN IS HARDLY EVEN OUT YET! AND IS ALSO FUNNY BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING DUMB! I’M SOOOOOOO FUCKING WITTY! BATHE IN MY GLORIOUS WIT FOUNTAIN OF WIT! LATHER YOURSELF IN IT! DRINK IT! DRINK IT ALL YOU FILTHY WHORES!
“Come on in, sugar cube.” Applejack said opening the bottom half of the door. The door led to the living room of the house. The wallpaper of the room as well as the ceiling beams were all decorated with apples. Across from the door was a rocking chair with a sleeping, old mare that had a picture of a pie on her flank. There was a large circular rug in the center of the living room. There were two book shelves built into the walls of the room, one under the stair case and the other above a small cabinet. On the wall hung a single painting of two butterflies in the sky with a rainbow behind them.
Cozy.
“So Applejack,” I started keeping a hushed voice trying not to wake the sleeping mare in the rocking chair “What kinda work am I gonna be doing today?”
“Well, Ah had planned for you t’ be helpin’ us harvest the apples off the trees, but…”
“But what?”
“Well, with you being a human and all, Ah’m not sure if you’d have enough strength t’ be able t’ apple-buck like I do.”
But… I thought ‘buck’ was a curse word… WAIT. WE’RE NOT RAPING THE APPLE TREES ARE WE?! OH GOD I CAN SEE IT NOW!! IT’S LIKE A REALLY BAD HENTAI BASED OFF THE WIZARD OF OZ!! MAKE IT STOP!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
I thought nothing could disturb you.
WELL THAT DOES, OKAY?!
“Hmm… Well, I suppose I could try, uh, apple-bucking, or whatever you called it. That being said, what is apple-bucking exactly?”
“Oh, it’s easy stuff, it’s just kickin’ th’ apple tree with enough force to knock down all the apples.”
Oh thank God…
“Well, that’s interesting… I’m not sure about kicking it… Hmm… Another way I could do it is ramming into the tree with my shoulder I guess. Or I could just shake the tree to get the apples down.”
“I bet that rammin’ the trees wit’ yer shoulder ain’t gonna go over too well for yer arm though… How did th’ humans do it back then?”
“Well, when we’d have an apple orchard, they’d usually be in bushels so we could harvest the apples using machines. When they’re in trees, we’d just climb the tree and pick them. Or shake the tree, either way works. Thing is, as you can see, I’m not exactly a climber. So I’ll try apple-bucking and see how that goes, if that fails, I suppose I could just shake the trees.”
Yeah, you’re definitely no climber you fat fuck. You best shake the fuck out them trees, son.
“All right sugar cube, let’s see what you can do then.” She said opening the door to reveal that the sun had just risen. We walked outside over to the easternmost apple tree field.
“Give it a go.” Applejack said raising a hoof to the closest tree. The tree was surrounded with large buckets that I guessed the apples would fall into. I walked up to the tree and made sure I had my balance.
I aimed a well place kick at the tree and brought my foot swiftly into the trunk.
FALCON KICK!
I managed to knock out the majority of the apples in the tree with one kick. Applejack looked in awe at the feat I just accomplished.
SHOW ME YA MOVES!
“YES!!! I DID IT!!! WOOOO!!!” I yelled jumping for joy at my success. Alright, this wasn’t gonna be so bad after all.
“How’d y-… On yer firs-… Buh-… Wha??” Applejack stumbled over her words.
“I don’t even know AJ. All I know is it looks like I got apple-bucking down. By the end of the day, I should be knockin’ all these apples out with a single kick!” I said motioning another kick to the air.
“Well, that’s an amazin’ job fer yer first try, but you still got some apples in that there tree.” She said pointing a hoof up to the top of the tree. I gave her an easy smile and aimed another kick without as much force that knocked the rest out of the tree. I then proceeded to put my right hand against the tree, cross my right foot over my left and leaned against the tree.
“I’m sorry, was there some kind of doubt I wouldn’t be able to do the job?” I said smiling a bit deviously.
“Well, yer legs may be strong, but how’re yer arms?” She said smiling the same smile I had. She guided my eyes with her own to the three now full tubs of apples surrounding the tree. I groaned.
Ouch… I didn’t see that one coming. Oh well.
“You win this time.” I told her. We laughed a bit and continued apple-bucking until lunch time when we took a half-hour’s break for some delicious apple pie and muffins. I wondered how Matt was holding up on his first day.
It was 6 am when Matt woke up. He decided to take a shower this morning before coming downstairs. So he did just that, got dressed and came downstairs, ready for work. He walked into the kitchen to find Pinkie Pie baking as well as cooking Matt’s breakfast.
“Good morning Matt!” She said putting a plate with two fried eggs down on the table with two slices of buttered toast. “Here’s your brekky!” She said as she bounced over to the oven and took out two trays of cupcakes that she placed on the counter to cool.
“Morning Pinkie, thanks for breakfast!” Matt said while sitting down quickly to start eating.
“It’s no trouble,” She replied putting two trays of either cupcakes or muffins in the oven. He couldn’t tell what they were. “Twilight came by looking for you guys yesterday when you were at Rarity’s.”
“Really? What for?” Matt asked as he shovelled the eggs and toast into his mouth.
“Well, she was looking for you so she could tell you that the princesses want to meet you and Jimmy!”
“Really? That’s pretty awesome!”
“Well, I guess if you think getting to meet them in a court room while you’re on trial for treason is awesome, then yeah, I guess it is!” Pinkie replied smiling. Matt nearly choked on a forkful of egg.
“Wait, WHAT?!!?”
“Yeah, there’s a big reward out for you two! It’s dead or alive! In fact, dead is a higher reward!” She said pulling a rather large knife out of a nearby drawer as her hair deflated into a straightened, well-kept mane that hung over one side of Pinkie’s face. Matt stared at Pinkie in horror. “It’s a good thing you were staying here so I could catch you before you could get away! Jimmy wasn’t able to give much of a fight; he didn’t even see it coming. I didn’t even get to tell him about the reward. He hardly paid attention to me coming up behind him with the knife when I was telling him about how he was an enemy of the state, he thought I was joking!” Pinkie said walking closer to Matt. “Don’t worry Matt; I’ll make it as painless as I can, as long as you don’t put up a fight!” She giggled maniacally as she approached. Matt scrambled for the kitchen door to be greeted by a cyan blur that tackled him and held him on the kitchen floor.
“The reward’s ours Pinkie! Finish this chump!” Rainbow Dash yelled to Pinkie as she approached. Matt squirmed to get free to no avail. The two ponies laughter got louder and louder as they got closer. He gave up trying to break free and instead tried pleading for his life.
“PLEASE!!! DON’T KILL ME!!! OH GOD!!! I’LL DO ANYTHING!!! DON’T FUCKING KILL ME!!! PLEASE!!! OH GOD!!!” He screamed.
“We’ll let you live on one teensie-weensie condition!” Pinkie said spinning the knife around in her hoof. “One eensie-weensie-teeny-beany condition… One itty-bi-”
“Shush Pinkie!” Rainbow yelled, she grabbed Matt by the collar of his shirt and held him closer to her face “Tell us where the little girl is!!”
“What??!!!?!” Matt said in shock, what little girl? What the hell were they talking about?
“WHERE IS THE LITTLE GIRL!??!?” Rainbow Dash shouted shaking Matt.
“WH-WHAT?!!!?!?!?!” Matt yelled trying in vain to figure out what was going on.
“'What'? 'What' isn’t a place I’ve ever heard of! I wonder if it’s a country…” Pinkie said.
“Do they speak English in 'What'?” Rainbow continued. Matt still flabberghasted asked again “What?!?!?!”
“ENGLISH MOTHER-BUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?!?!?” Pinkie and Rainbow yelled.
“TELL US WHERE THE LITTLE GIRL IS NOW!!! WE’RE SERIOUS!!!” Rainbow continued as she shook Matt again and pinned him to the floor harder.
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT LITTLE GIRL YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!!! I DON’T KNOW!!! I DON’T KNOW!!!!!” Matt started to cry. “Please don’t kill me… Please don’t kill me…” Pinkie nodded to Rainbow Dash. She let up her grip on Matt a little bit and smiled. Matt was still crying, he looked at Rainbow Dash and held back the desire to say ‘what’ again as he saw her smiling.
“There’s the little girl.” She said poking him on the chest. Pinkie’s mane suddenly re-inflated and the two ponies burst out in laughter, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie both fell on the floor. Matt moved away from the two ponies a little bit and started laughing too after he went over the whole ordeal in his head and recognised the joke that they had just played on him.
“Sorry for scaring you so much there, buddy!” Rainbow Dash said putting a hoof on Matt’s shoulder. “You gotta admit, that was pretty hilarious just now!”
“Oh yeah, that was great guys! You got me real good just now!” He said wiping a tear from his eye. The three stayed on the floor for a couple more minutes when Pinkie saw that it was nearly time to open the shop. Rainbow Dash had to go do some cloud removal over Ponyville, so she said goodbye to Pinkie and Matt farewell after apologising to Matt again for being so harsh on him.
“So, did Twilight really come by yesterday? Or was that part of the joke too?” Matt asked Pinkie Pie who was putting icing on some cupcakes.
“Oh no, Twilight really did come by yesterday, the princesses do want to meet you. That part wasn’t a lie. The rest of it was, though! All that about you being wanted and stuff, don’t worry your head about that!” She said patting Matt on the head.
“So, when were we gonna go meet them?”
“Umm… I don’t remember, I don’t think Twilight said. We’ll go ask her later today. But for now, you have some work to do!” Pinkie said pushing Matt up to the cash register.
Matt worked the register starting from 7:30 until 12:30 when Pinkie told him he could take his lunch break. He had a lunch consisting of two blueberry muffins. He wondered how Jimmy was handling his first day at work. Matt also wondered if Pinkie and Rainbow had put Jimmy through what he just went through...
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 7 - Learning to Fly
The sun hung low over the horizon, creating a bright orange and pink sky. Applejack and I had managed to put a good dent in what we had to harvest. It was a long day, but completely worth the 200 bits Applejack told me she would pay me for that day. She was able to harvest double the amount of apples she would harvest alone on a regular day. There were two more trees up ahead on a small hill.
“Race ya!” Applejack said as she bolted for the hill. I had lost the race already. I’m a two-hundred pound sixteen year old and she’s a pony. I ran anyway though. I made it to the hill just a few seconds after she got there.
“You had me set up for a loss from the start!” I said as I caught my breath.
“Heh heh, I know, sugar cube.” Applejack replied. We bucked the two trees that sat atop the hill and smiled at each other. I went and sat down on the slope of the hill facing the sun. In the fields below were seemingly hundreds of apple trees. The view was truly breath taking.
Indeed, you always had some weird ass fetish for sunsets over forests and night skies with lots of stars, didn’t you?
Eeyup. That means you do too, dipshit.
No, those aren’t my fetishes, would you like to see some examples?
No. Fuck off.
“What d’you reckon a' this here view?” She said pointing a hoof out towards the setting sun.
“Wait, we don’t have to go harvest all those trees right now, do we?” I said with a slightly worried tone in my voice.
If she thinks we are, she gotta be mad as ass…
“No, no, no.” Applejack replied “We’ll be startin’ with them there trees tomorrah, don’t you worry yer little head about that.” She said patting me on the head. She sat down next to me and looked at the sunset.
“So, Jimmy, d’ya miss your mom or any a yer family?”
“Huh? Oh, well… I don’t really know… I mean, I guess I miss my mom a little bit… That’s about it though. Even that isn’t very much though.” I replied.
You emotionless cunt.
“But why? She’s yer ma, from what it sounded like th’ other night, yer dad wasn’t that much of a dad. She cared fer ya, didn’t she?”
“Yeah, she did care. She cared a lot. But, I guess I don’t miss her because our family was really dysfunctional to begin with. Even after dad left, not much changed. I mean, yeah, dad wasn’t around, so that much was different. After a little while I started just doing stuff on my own, instead of with mom and my sis.”
“Was she yer younger sis or older?”
“Younger. She’s half my age. We were never close. I don’t know what’s happening back home, but I don’t want to think about it either.”
“But why? I just don’t understan’ how someone can be so distant from their family when their family loves them.”
Pfft, no shit you don’t understand. Your family is completely functional and you are all close. Mine was always dysfunctional. Honestly, I don’t even know how the fuck my mother and father got together.
“I really dunno, Applejack. I haven’t thought about them because, well… My life’s been a lot better over the past three days than it has been in the past three years, in fact, longer than that, the past four years. I know I’m never gonna get to see them again, so there’s no use dwelling on thoughts about them. I just gotta move forward.”
“Oh, Ah see what’cha mean now. Sorry for diggin’ around so much. Ah was just tryin’ t’ find out more about’cha.”
“It’s no problem, AJ.” I lay back on the hill and looked up at the sky. A few stars had appeared in the sky.
“Hey Jimmy,” I sat up and looked at Applejack who was standing by the tubs of apples “Think fast!” She said as she took an apple out of one of the tubs with her tail and batted it over to me, I caught it just before it could land on the ground behind me. I wiped it on my shirt and took a bite.
Best. Apple. Ever.
“This apple, it’s so juicy!” I exclaimed.
“As Ah said; best apples in all ‘Questria!” Applejack chuckled.
After a while, we brought back in the rest of the apples we’d harvested. Applejack asked me if I was gonna stay for dinner, but I gave her a rain check. I needed to go over to the library to ask Twilight about the Princesses wanting to meet us. I took out my iPod again and listened to music as I walked through Ponyville heading to the library. Ponies passing by greeted me with smiles and the occasional ‘hello’ as I passed.
Huh, I’ve only been here three days and now I’m a citizen. Cool stuff, bro.
It’s a nice change from stares and pointing, isn’t it?
Yeah, I guess the only reason it’s like that is because you haven’t killed anypony yet. Soon though.
The fuck?
. . .
You’re mad as fuck.
Yup.
I reached the library and knocked on the door. Pinkie answered the door.
“Hi Jimmy!” Pinkie said cheerfully as usual. I looked at her with a puzzled expression.
Retard, did you go to Sugar Cube Corner?
No, I could’ve sworn this was the library, hold on.
I took a step back and looked up at the tree to make sure I wasn’t actually at Sugar Cube Corner, which I wasn’t.
“What’s the matter?” Pinkie asked.
“Oh nothing, just making sure I’m not so tired I ended up walking back to Sugar Cube Corner instead of the library.” I said as I walked inside.
Because that’s something you would do.
Matt was sitting down with Twilight reading the book she got the passage from about humans in Equestria. With them sat a small purple dragon with green spikes.
EEK! LIZARD! The fuck? It’s purple! That’s weird man… Oh… OH!!! THAT’S WHO THAT IS!!! THAT’S THAT ONE DRAGON THAT’S SHIPPED WITH RARITY!!! RIGHT!!! OKAY!!! NOW I KNOW WHO THAT IS!!!
“Anyway Jimmy, I have to go back to Sugar Cube Corner, I just had to walk Matt over here, see ya!” Pinkie said as she hopped out the door humming a catchy little tune.
“See ya, Pinkie!” I shouted to her. I closed the door and walked into the main room where the others were. “Hey guys,” I began “What’s going on?”
“Who’s this guy?” asked the purple dragon.
Polite, aren’t we?
“Hi Jimmy. What brings you here?” Twilight asked. Matt was still reading the book in total concentration. “Oh, Spike, I just realised you haven’t met Jimmy. Jimmy, this is my number one assistant Spike. Spike, this is Jimmy.”
“Hey there Spike.” I said extending my hand to shake his.
Are you going to shake my hand or ask what a hand is in some kind of rude manner? Cunt.
“Hi Jimmy.” He replied shaking my hand.
EWWW SCALES EWWWWWW!!!
“Ever since Saturday, Twilight’s been searching everywhere to find a spell that can get you two back to your time. She’s also been trying to find as much as she can on human history. Thing is, hardly any books exist that are about humans.”
“Yeah, I’d guess so. By the sounds of World War Three, I’m surprised there even is still evidence of humans.” I replied looking at Matt who was still stuck in full concentration.
Well isn’t Matt just perfectly and completely engrossed in his book. What’d y’all do to him? Get him high as fuck? I bet ya ten bucks he isn’t even reading that book if he’s stoned.
“So, uhh… What’d you guys do to him?” I asked.
“We didn’t do anything, Twilight gave him this book to read about how Equestria was formed and he hasn’t moved since.” Spike replied.
“See Spike? Matt sees how interesting the history of Equestria is, why can’t you?” She asked.
“Because it’s boring!” Replied Spike. Twilight shook her head in disappointment. I chuckled.
Hey dipshit, you didn’t just come here to say hi and watch Matt be stoned off his ass while attempting to read.
Oh yes, thank you.
“Right, Twilight, you came by Sugar Cube Corner yesterday to tell us about how the princesses wanted to meet us?” I asked.
“Oh, right!” Twilight said looking away from the very studious Matt. “Yes, I sent a letter to my teacher, Princess Celestia, about the arrival of you and Matt in Ponyville. She was very surprised at how humans have ended up here in Equestria without creating some horrible dimensional rift somewhere. She wants to meet with you two soon.”
“Cool, so when do we get to meet her?”
“Well, it would seem we’re going to Canterlot on Saturday morning. The princess sent us train tickets that say our train leaves at 9 am Saturday morning… So… Yeah, Saturday! Heh heh… Yeah…” Twilight seemed very nervous.
I bet she’s nervous cuz she didn’t turn in a report and the princess is gonna punish her for being a naughty, naughty student… If you know what I mean…
“Uhh, Twilight? Are you okay? You seem on edge all of a sudden.” I asked. I wouldn’t let up asking if she said nothing was wrong, it was obvious that something was bugging her.
“What? Something wrong? Nothing’s wrong! No, everything’s great! I’m… Yeah…”
Nigga, pull this bitch together, she’s annoying me with her weirdness.
“Come with me for a second.” I said walking over to the door, the purple mare following. “Now, let’s pretend that you didn’t give a response just now to my question because you didn’t hear me. What’s the matter Twilight?”
“Ohhhh… I’m sorry, I’m just nervous about you guys meeting the Princesses.” Twilight replied.
Lawl why you nervous tho?
“Wait, why? We’re not gonna make fools of ourselves in front of them. Is that really what you’re worried about?”
We're not? That's unfortunate.
“No, no, I know you wouldn’t do that. I just haven’t seen Princess Celestia in a few months and I have a feeling that something’s wrong, she responded rather quickly to this letter. I mean…”
“Whoa, hold up Twilight.” I said putting a finger to her muzzle. “If there was something wrong, wouldn’t we have already gone to Canterlot to meet with her? Or she would’ve come here, don’t you think?”
Jesus, and I thought this bitch was intelligent.
“You’re right Jimmy, I’m sorry I started freaking out over nothing. I didn’t mean to alarm you.” She said.
“It’s okay, Twilight. I can understand why you’re nervous.” I said as I extended my arms to her to give her a hug, she came over and put her neck over my shoulder. “See? It’ll be okay, just keep calm about it and everything will be okay.”
We walked back over to Matt who had just closed the book. He stood up holding the book to his chest with both hands.
“Twilight, can I borrow this for a while?” He asked “Pleasepleaseplease?!?!!”
“Yeah, sure yo-”
“PLEEEAAAAAAASEE!?!?!?!!” Matt interrupted while bowing in front of Twilight.
He is not worthy.
“Hmm… I dunno…” She said grinning deviously.
“Aw, let him borrow it Twilight.” I chuckled.
WHAT THE HELL DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT 'HE IS NOT FUCKING WORTHY'?!
“Well, I suppose I could part with it for a while.” She said, still grinning.
“OH THANK YOU TWILIGHT I LOVE YOU OH MY GOD I’M GONNA GO HOME AND READ THIS NOW THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!” Matt said as he ran out the door slamming it behind him. Spike stared blankly at the door along with me and Twilight.
“Does he always get like that over books?” Spike asked.
“No, I’ve never seen him act like that over anything, not even Skyrim.” I replied.
“What’s Skyrim?” Twilight asked.
Good luck with describing that, you don’t even play Skyrim. The only two things you know about that game are ‘fus ro dah’ and ‘arrow to the knee’ jokes.
“Uhh… Long story… Anyway Twilight, Spike, I gotta go, I’ve been working all day, I’m not even sure how I’m still standing right now, so… See ya!” I said as I started for the door.
“Wait!” Twilight said. “I want to try a spell on you!”
She mad, right?
“Uhh… Usually if someone said that to me, I’d be running out this door faster than you could say ‘alakazam’, but I’m listening, what’s it do?” I replied, curious as to what kind of spell this could be.
Wat.
“Well, it’s really two spells. The first one lets you walk on clouds like a Pegasus pony…”
Oh, okay then, that sounds neat. I'll remember to make use of that ability the next time a cloud isn't A HUNDRED FUCKING FEET ABOVE ME.
“Okay, what’s the second one?”
“The second one is a spell that will allow you to fly. Now, I have several kinds of spells that will allow you to fly, I’m not sure which one to use though.”
OH HELLS OF SWEET JESUS YES.
“Well, what are they?”
“One gives the person or pony the spell is used on a pair of wings that sprout from their back. Another one allows me to give a hat a pair of wings that will let the wearer fly. I don’t trust that one very much as the wings wear out after a short amount of time.”
“Uhh, Twilight?” Spike interrupted.
“Hold on Spike. Where was I? Right, the other thing about that spell is that it only works on red hats. Weird, huh?”
“Yes, that is weird, anymore flight spells?” I replied.
“Oh, yes, there is one more. This one gives the affected person or pony the ability to fly on command without any kind of physical changes to the body whatsoever. However, this spell is very old. Old unicorn magic isn’t the most reliable.”
“What would happen if you messed it up?”
“Any number of things could happen, you could end up in another dimension, this library could turn into spaghetti, or it could work properly, but literally, anything.”
Mmm… Spaghetti…
“Hmm… Is there any way that you could make the hat fly for a longer period of time? Maybe even make it permanent?”
“Twilight, that’s what I was trying to tell you earlier! I found a fix for that spell!” Spike finally got through to her.
“What?! Show me!” Twilight half-yelled at Spike. Spike picked up the book and was about to walk over to Twilight when she used her magic and floated the book and Spike over to her sending Spike face-first onto the floor still holding the book in the air. Twilight read the fix for a few seconds.
“Okay, I’m ready! Give me your hat for a moment please.” Twilight asked. I gave her my hat and she put it on a table in the center of the room. Her horn glowed brightly, far more bright than I had ever seen. The magic then concentrated itself into a beam that touched the hat. The hat grew a small pair of white wings.
HOLY SHIT IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE FLYING CAP FROM MARIO 64!!!
AAAAAWWWWWWWEEEEESOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEE!!!!
I was right. It was just like it except green and there was no M or L in a circle on the front of the hat. I donned the hat and suddenly felt a small tingle down my spine. I now felt an odd connection to the hat as if it were an extension of my body. I thought about flapping the wings of the hat a couple times. Just those two flaps were enough to propel me off the ground into the air.
“WOAH!!!” I said as I found myself in the air above Twilight and Spike.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! IT WORKS!!!
I continued thinking about flight so that I didn’t fall out of the air. “Oh my God… This is incredible… THIS IS AWESOME!!!” I yelled flying circles around the room.
DUNDUNDA DUNDUNDA DUNDUNDA, DUNDUNDA DUNDUNDA DUNDUNDA~!!!
Suddenly, I started singing the power-up theme from Super Mario 64 out loud as I flew around the room giggling. I landed in front of Twilight and gave her the biggest hug I could.
“THANK YOU TWILIGHT THIS IS AMAZING!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!” I gave her a kiss on her cheek, she blushed slightly.
“No problem, Jimmy.” She replied smiling.
“SPIKE!!” I yelled, I then picked him up and gave him a hug too “Thanks for finding that fix, buddy!”
“No prob, Jimmy!” He replied.
“Anyway guys, I got some flying to do!” I said as I opened the door and waved goodbye to Spike and Twilight. Once I got outside, I saw there was hardly anypony walking around, so I decided to try a triple jump to start my flying just like in the game.
Let’s-a-go!
Ya!
I jumped a second time flapping my wings once for a little bit more air that doubled my jump height.
Woohoo!
I then jumped a third with which I flapped my wings and did a flip and got into my Superman flight pose as I ascended into the sky and flew up to a cloud.
YAHOOOOO!
I approached the cloud cautiously as I went to stand on it. I stopped flapping. I fell through the cloud.
Oh my, that wasn’t supposed to happen. I believe we shouldn’t panic and rather we sh-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHOHGODFUCKINGDAMNITIAMFALLINGTOMYDEATHOHJESUSCHRISTWHATTHEFUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!!
Well shit. We’re fucked.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!!!” I yelled as I fell out of the sky falling towards the library.
CLEAR YOUR FUCKING HEAD! GET BACK YOUR CONNECTION WITH THE HAT! USE THE FORCE, LUKE! THE TARGETING COMPUTER ALONE WON’T LET YOU BLOW UP THE DEATH STAR! LUKE, TRUST ME!!
I tried to clear my mind so I could re-establish my mental connection with my wings. The ground was seconds away.
“ENOUGH!!” I shouted.
THINK ‘BOUT WINGS NIGGA! NOT FRIED CHICKEN WINGS! THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!
I thought of the wings on my hat and imagined angling them so I could get air under them and glide away from the ground. I approached the ground and suddenly I flew forward, the ground inches from my face, I pulled up and stopped in mid-air. I looked around to find the library. I flew up above the balcony of the library where Twilight was looking for me in the sky. I hovered silently a few feet above the balcony behind Twilight.
“Looking for someone?” I asked. Twilight gasped and turned around to see me float down onto the balcony.
“Well, I, uhh…” She stammered.
“Don’t worry, it’s okay. Listen, you forgot to give me the enchantment to walk on clouds. I forgot to remind you too, so it’s okay. But yeah, I tried to stand on a cloud just now and I fell through and I almost died. So could you cast that spell on me now, please?” I asked.
“Oh yeah, sure, sorry about that.” Twilight said slightly embarrassed. Her horn glowed brightly again and a beam of light hit me. “There, it should work now.”
“Thanks Twilight!” I said.
I don’t trust her. Tell her to keep an eye out for you.
Umm… You don’t trust her spell to work, but you trust her to catch you?
… Yes. Because I am logical.
On days that have the letter x.
“In case it doesn’t, keep watch of me so you can catch me with your telekinesis if I fall again please.”
“Sure. Go have fun up there!” Twilight said.
“Au revoir, Twilight!” I said as I took off and headed for the nearest cloud. This time, I was able to stand on the cloud. I lay down on the cloud, it was like a bed of feathers, just like it’s described in every book I’ve ever read that said something about lying on clouds.
Lawl, who are you trying to convince? You don’t read books!
Screw off, I’ll have you know I read the first two Harry Potter books!
What about the other five?
Fuck off!
I gazed up at the night sky.
“This is a beautiful night sky.” I said aloud.
It truly was beautiful. The moon was full in the sky. There were many, many stars out that made this night truly something beautiful to behold.
Author emphasizes the night sky being beautiful too much. Seriously author, get a fucking life.
Who the hell are you talking to?
The author!
What?
UGH! NEVER MIND! YOU’RE JUST STUPID!
Okay then…
I nearly fell asleep on the cloud, but realised I should probably head home before I roll off the cloud and fall to my death in my sleep.
At least it would be peaceful…
I jumped off the cloud and glided to Sugar Cube Corner, finding the window open in the guest bedroom. I flew the window a bit too fast and collided with the floor inside.
“OW!! JESUS!!! AGH!!!!” I yelled in pain as I crash landed inside the house. Matt woke up and sat up straight in his bed to find me curled up in a ball on the floor.
“Dude, what’s that on your hat?” He said groggily pointing to the hat that was now on the floor closer to the window.
“Oh, that’s my new wing cap!” I said as if it was such a normal every-day item. “Twilight found a spell that could enchant hats to fly, just like in Mario 64!!! Isn’t that awesome?!” Matt didn’t hear me however as he had fallen asleep just after asking me about my hat.
“Ahh, whatever, I’ll tell you when you’re totally conscious.” I said aloud as I picked up my hat off the floor and hung it off my guitar case at the foot of my bed.
I went in the shower, got dressed in the pyjamas Rarity had made for me and went out like a light as soon as I hit the bed. Today was a good day. I earned a nice bit of change and gained the ability to fly. This place is pretty Goddamned awesome indeed...
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 8 - The Number of the Beast
I could hear the sound of rain outside as well as a clap of thunder that made me wake up. Accompanying the sound of the thunderstorm was my alarm going off. I picked up the alarm and checked the time. It was 6:48.
Hey… Hey guy…
Wha?
Think we’re late for work, bro…
Work? We don’t do… Oh no…
“OH SHIT!!!” I yelled as I jumped out of bed and put on my clothes. No time for a shower, I had to get to Sweet Apple acres fast, the shower I had last night will have to do. I grabbed my hat and ran downstairs when a pink pony stepped in front of me.
“Whoa, where do you think you’re going?” Pinkie asked.
“I gotta get to work Pinkie! I woke up too late!” I replied trying to get past her, Pinkie kept stepping in front of me whichever way I tried to go around her.
“You can’t go anywhere today, there’s a storm scheduled!” Pinkie said with a serious tone in her voice.
She’s sounding serious, I think something’s wrong man.
“Bu- Wait, what? A storm was scheduled for today? Don’t you mean forecast?” I asked. Pinkie sighed.
“The Pegasi scheduled a storm for today, didn’t you hear? Everything’s closed today. Usually they wait until night time to do it, but they couldn’t wait this time.”
“Wait, so what you’re saying is that the Pegasus ponies control the weather in this world?”
Ain’t that some shit… I bet you twenty bucks everypony has to go outside at the end of each winter and melt the snow and shit like that.
“Yeah, that’s how it works! If it weren’t for them, the weather wouldn’t ever change and the clouds would never move. The only place in Equestria where the weather works on its own is in the Everfree Forest.”
Shenanigans, all of it.
“Well… So what does this mean? I still have work, don’t I?”
“No, not even Applejack would work during a storm like this.”
“Are you sure? Cuz I don’t want to go by the farm tomorrow and be chastised for not coming in to work today.”
Really… I don’t want to see AJ’s bad side…
In your future I see an angry Applejack holding a shotgun with its barrel directly in your mouth.
“I’m absotively posilutely sure!” Pinkie said with a smile. “Now go back upstairs and get some sleep!” I smiled at her and went back to the guest room.
Nigga, you best understand we’re going to work today.
Oh yes we are. She’s not gonna keep me here that easily. I think she’s wrong about this situation. After all, AJ did say that I was supposed to come to the farm today.
I opened the window when the rain let up a little bit and flew out, closing the window as I left.
I was getting soaked in the rain as I looked around trying to get my bearings. Nothing was clear. Every building looked the same and I could hardly see them anyway through the heavy rain. I needed to fly above the clouds so I wouldn’t have to deal with this storm. I tried gaining altitude only to have two lightning bolts fly at me in succession.
Huh, and they say lightning doesn’t strike at the same place twice.
I tried again only to be met with another bolt of lightning. I decided to abandon that and just fly towards the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
I flew as fast as I could through the rain, constantly having to wipe my eyes from the stinging droplets that pelted down harder and harder the further I got from Sugar Cube Corner. Sweet Apple Acres was in sight. I picked up speed. I heard a faint and familiar voice call to me.
The hell was that?
I dunno man, I think you’re imagining shit. You’re the only one flying here, keep going, you’re nearly there.
I heard another faint call. It’s just my imagination. A third call, it sounded as though it said ‘stop’. I couldn’t trust it though, I hear things all the time.
Especially from me!
Yes, especially from you.
A fourth call, it was much louder this time.
“JIMMY!!! STOP!!!!” the voice called, it sounded like Rainbow Dash, I looked up into the sky and saw a cyan Pegasus flying above me with a small rainbow trail following it, descending to my altitude. Suddenly the Pegasus stopped, why? Suddenly a bolt of lightning flashed in front of me. I stopped and looked around.
Oh God, I really should’ve just stayed in bed, this was a STUPID idea!
FUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKFUCKFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!
Suddenly another bolt flew past my shoulder. I wanted to get away from this place; I turned around and flew back towards Ponyville.
“GODDAMNIT!!! WHY DIDN’T I JUST LISTEN TO PINKIE PIE AND STAY INSIDE?!?!?!?” I yelled at myself as more and more lightning bolts came down, making me fly away from my planned course back to Ponyville.
What the hell was this? Why is there so much lightning and why does it seem to follow me!?!?!
MAYDAYMAYDAY!! ABANDON SHIP!! WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!!! Wait no, JUST ME!! YOU FUCKERS CAN STAY BEHIND, I’M OUTTA HERE!!
DON’T YOU GO AWOL ON ME YOU MOTHERFUCKER I NEED YOU GET BACK HERE!!!
. . .
WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
Rainbow Dash was yelling at me, I had no idea what she was trying to tell me, but in a way I didn’t care, I just wanted to get home. I wiped my eyes with my left hand and a bolt of lightning whizzed in front of my face, I lost the mental connection I had to my wings and started spiralling towards the ground.
“OH FUCK!!! OH JESUS CHRIST FUCK SHIT FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I shouted, the ground becoming closer and closer as my death dive continued without letting up. I tried clearing my mind, but it was no use, I was spinning out heading towards what seemed like a forest below.
Well, I guess this is it then. Huh, and just yesterday I was saying how awesome life is. So much for that I guess.
I closed my eyes and accepted my fate as my death spiral was coming to an end. I felt an object ram into me sending me off my course slightly, I opened my eyes to be greeted with tree branches, I closed them again quickly and felt the whacks of several branches to every part of my body. As soon as I thought the barrage was over, there were two loud thuds on the ground. I wasn’t sure what the second one was, but I know the first was me. Pain, everywhere on my body… I guess that’s the end then… See ya ‘round Matt… Bye everypony… Hope you don’t miss me too much…
I woke up to the sight of tree branches above me. The rain was still falling lightly, but the thick forestation was keeping most of the rain from hitting the ground. The leaves were a darker shade than those in Ponyville.
Wait a second. I’m awake? I’m not dead? Well, that’s pretty cool, I guess.
I tried to move, the pain came back to my body.
Ow. Ow. Okay, okay, don’t move. But I have to. I can’t just lie here. I don’t even know where I am. I sure hope I’m not in the Everfree Forest. That would plain suck right about now.
I gather the strength to lift myself off the ground. My right side where that first object had struck me was in tremendous pain. I bet I’ve got some broken or cracked ribs. At the very least, I’m just really badly bruised. My arms were covered in cuts. My legs were cut up too, but they weren’t as bad. As far as I could tell, none of my limbs were broken, that was good enough for me. That means I’ll be able to walk out of here at the least. I turned around and saw a dirtied and unconscious cyan Pegasus with a rainbow coloured mane.
Oh fuck. Well, now we know what hit us.
“Oh shit.” I said as I stared at the hurt Pegasus. “Oh fuck. Oh shit. No. Rainbow Dash!! No. No. NO. NO!!!” I ran over to the Pegasus.
“Rainbow Dash!!! Rainbow!!! Wake up!!! Please wake up!!! Oh Jesus Christ… Rainbow Dash!!!!” I yelled as I shook the Pegasus trying to wake her up. She was bruised everywhere and had cuts all of over her body. Her wings were ruffled and seemed okay to my eye, but I’m no wing expert. I wouldn’t know if something was wrong. She finally responded to me shaking her awake.
“Ughh… Jimmy?” She said opening her eyes slightly and looking at me.
“Oh thank Christ, you’re alive!!!” I yelled as I hugged the Pegasus.
“Owowowow!!!” She shouted when I hugged her. I broke off the hug quickly.
“Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry.” I looked her over, I didn’t want to ask her the stupid question of whether she was okay or not, obviously she wasn’t. “Let’s see if you can walk at least, come on.” I said as I tried to help the Pegasus pony to her hooves. The Pegasus extended her wings and flapped them a few times lifting her off the ground, she landed back on her feet panting heavily.
“Wh… Why… Can’t I…” Dash started still panting.
“Dash, you’re injured, don’t try to fly right now, we need to get out of this forest. I’m the only one who’s got any kind of flying ability for the moment, okay?” I stated in an attempt to keep Dash grounded for now so she wouldn’t hurt herself more.
“Heh, you shouldn’t even be allowed to fly…” She replied.
“What?” I replied.
“You heard me. You shouldn’t be allowed to fly!” She yelled. “Anypony with a sliver of sense would know NOT to go flying around in a thunderstorm unless they’re trained weather ponies who are keeping the storm in check! Not just joy-gliding like an idiot through a lightning storm!”
She was right, I shouldn’t have gone flying, I should’ve just taken Pinkie’s word and gone back to bed.
“Why the hay did you even leave Sugar Cube Corner!? What’s your problem?!! Where’d you even get that hat?!” Rainbow Dash asked angrily. I stood silent, looking at the ground in front of me.
It was my dumb-ass that managed to land us in wherever the hell we landed. It was my fault that Dash was injured.
“ANSWER ME!!!” She yelled.
“I don’t know!!” I yelled back, anger was building up inside me now, not sorrow or regret anymore, just pure anger. “I’m sorry I’m not the greatest Goddamned flyer on the planet!! Yes! I should’ve stayed at home!! I didn’t understand that the weather on this planet was HOSTILE TO ANYONE WHO SETS FOOT OUTSIDE!! JESUS CHRIST!!! WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP SHIT IS THAT?!!?! HOMING LIGHTNING BOLTS?!!?!? WOE IS ME FOR NOT KNOWING ABOUT THAT!!!”
“MAYBE IF YOU LOOKED WHERE YOU WERE FLYING YOU’D SEE YOU ENDED UP FLYING OVER THE EVERFREE FOREST!!!! WHERE UNNATURAL THINGS TAKE PLACE LIKE, OH, I DON’T KNOW, HOMING LIGHTNING BOLTS?!??! NOW WE’RE DEEP IN THE FOREST, I CAN’T FLY, WE’RE BUCKED JIMMY!!! IT’S ALL THANKS TO YOU!!!” There was silence after that. A single tear rolled down my face. Dash stared at me, anger being the only thing present in her. I honestly didn’t know what to say to her. Sorry wasn’t gonna help anything at this point.
Like she said. We’re bucked.
Well, now that you’ve established that you’re a dumb fuck, apologise.
Uh, you supported me fully in going outside.
. . .
Well?
The number you have dialed is not in service. Please tr-
Oh bugger off.
“I’m sorry Dash.” I started. “I knew I shouldn’t have gone out. I just didn’t want Applejack to think badly of me for not coming into work. She hadn’t told me anything about there being a storm today, so I assumed I still had work. I woke up late and tried to rush out the door, Pinkie told me to stay inside because of the storm. I decided that I should ask Applejack myself rather than trust Pinkie. Where I’m from, people would tell you if you had the day off due to weather, since Applejack had said nothing, I figured I still had work. So, I took to the skies. It wasn’t the best idea. Then lightning started coming down all around me. Instead of employing logic and landing at Sweet Apple Acres, I decided to let fear get the best of me and fly back to Sugar Cube Corner. The lightning threw me off course and over this forest, then I nearly got hit and I lost control of my hat. I thought I was dead, Dash. I didn’t know you’d try to save me. I didn’t think anyone would bother saving me. I’m not worth it.”
“What the hay are you talking about?” Dash asked.
“Huh?” I replied.
“Of course you’re worth something! I wasn’t gonna let one of my friends die, regardless of how stupid one of his decisions was. My rescue didn’t exactly go as planned, obviously. Look, I’m sorry for freaking out at you. I’m sorry for landing us in the forest. I was just scared that you were gonna die if I didn’t hurry and I flew towards you way too fast and couldn’t catch you.”
“Dash, it’s okay. I’m sorry too. For everything. And hey, if you didn’t fly as fast as you did, I definitely wouldn’t be alive right now.” I said. I looked up at the bit of the grey sky I could see through the trees. “Now, I’m gonna fly up and see where exactly we are in the forest, give me a sec.” I said flying myself just above the tree line. I could see Ponyville directly ahead. I came back down to the ground.
“That way.” I said as I pointed straight ahead of me. “Come on, let’s go.”
Rainbow Dash and I walked as silently as we could through the forest. We treaded carefully for the slightest snap of a twig could send some unearthly creature after us. After about twenty minutes of walking, we came across something odd on the ground. It was a large claw print.
Oh God, what’s this from?
I don’t know. Inb4 dragon though. This reminds me of a big ass version of Spike’s hands.
“Look!” Rainbow Dash said pointing to the mouth of a large cave to our right. Apparently the rock formation we had been walking next to the entire time was a cave, a rather large cave.
“W-what’s in there?” I asked.
Please be a little white bunny who likes cuddles and eats carrots…
“A little white bunny lives in there that likes to cuddle and eats carrots.” Rainbow said with sarcasm that my mind didn’t want to register.
“Thank God…” I replied after a sigh of relief.
“Really Jimmy? Come on, it’s probably a dragon or something. We have to be quiet.” Rainbow Dash replied.
“Oh… Crap…” I replied upset that she actually said what I had wanted her to say.
… How… How did she know that we thought it was a little white bunny that likes cuddles and enjoys carrots? WHAT IS THIS BLACK MAGIC FUCKERY?!
“Come on, let’s go. Quietly.” Rainbow walked ahead of me. I followed after I noticed she had gotten a bit too far away of me while I had been too busy looking at the cave. Something snagged my foot and I tripped and fell to the ground with a loud thud.
“AGH!!” I yelled as I fell to the ground. My foot didn’t hurt, but my side was in agonising pain from the fall. A loud roar came from the cave. We looked into the cave in horror.
Now you fucked up, son.
Eep!
Another loud roar. Thump. Thump. Thump.
“Jimmy… What have you done?” Rainbow Dash asked quietly. I sprung to my feet.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Thump.
Silence now. That can’t be good. Suddenly, a dragon flew over our heads and out of the cave and landed directly in our path back to Ponyville. A large green dragon with red spikes along its back looked down on me and Rainbow Dash. It blocked off any other paths with its tail, the only ‘escape’ was into the cave.
What the hell do we do now?!
. . .
WHAT DO WE DO?!?!
“… I’m sorry, Dash.” I said. The dragon let out a mighty roar.
Shields up.
SHIELDS UP!! BATTLE-STATIONS NOW!! ALL POWER TO THE ENGINES AND SHIELDS!! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS THING NOW!!
“RUN!!” I yelled as I ran into the cave, Rainbow Dash following on hoof as she still couldn’t fly. The dragon roared again and followed us.
SIR!! THE DRAGON’S GAINING ON US!!
FUCK THE SHIELDS, REVERT ALL POWER TO THE ENGINES UNTIL I SAY OTHERWISE!! WE CAN’T FIGHT OR HOLD HIM HERE!!
Inside my head, I could see several miniature versions of me running around to different control panels and computers rerouting my strength and stamina into running away.
The cave was surprisingly well lit, freshly lit fires lined the way to the center. The dragon roared every few seconds to tell us he was still coming for us. We reached the center of the cave. It was covered in gold, jewels and every kind of treasure imaginable. The cave was lit with sunlight that shone through a large hole in the ceiling of the cave.
The dragon flew over our heads again and breathed fire as it flew along the top of the cave in a circular pattern around the hole in the ceiling. Several torches in the cavern were lit from the dragon’s flame and the dragon landed on the main pile of gold in the center of the cave and let out the loudest roar yet. I saw a sword and shield to my left leaning against a pile of treasure. The sword looked similar to the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. The shield was circular and made of metal, the shield was considerably large and could cover my whole body if I crouched behind it.
Orders?
Now we fight. Pick up that sword and shield. All power to the arms and legs, we’re gonna need to run around and attack. Also, we need our flight systems operational, keep that hat close in mind!
Yes sir!
Tell Rainbow Dash to get out of here while you’re at it! We can’t protect her through all this!
Right away!
“Dash!! Get out of the cave!! I’ll hold him off!! Go get help!!” I said picking up the sword and shield and standing in front of her with the shield held in front of me and the sword at my side “Go!!!”
“Not a chance!! I can’t leave you here!!” Dash yelled. The dragon roared again. This dragon obviously wanted to play with its dinner before eating it.
WHAT THE HELL’S TAKING SO LONG?! WE’VE GOT A HOSTILE APPROACHING AND WE’RE NOT OPERATIONAL YET!! HURRY THE FUCK UP!!
“Dash!” I yelled. I turned to face her. “I can’t protect you if you stay here. I’m telling you to run because I know you won’t get hurt. Please, I can’t let you get any more hurt because of me. It’s time for me to return the favour you did me, and save your life.” Rainbow Dash looked to the floor of the cave and then at the dragon and finally to me.
“Okay Jimmy. On one condition:” She started. “You come back to me. Alive.”
DEPLOY WITTY ONE-LINER IMMEDIATELY!
“I can’t promise you anything,” I replied. “Other than that.” I winked at her. She kissed me on the cheek, turned around and ran out of the cave.
“Alright motherfucker,” I said as I turned to face the dragon “Time for me to go Dovahkiin on your ass!” I returned to the stance I was in when I picked up my sword and shield. The dragon roared and flew towards me and dived towards me with its mouth open.
ENGAGE HOSTILE!
I ran towards the dragon and flew up out of the way just a second before it could swallow me whole. The dragon’s face impacted on the floor of the cave. It picked itself up and roared at me revealing a few broken teeth.
DEPLOY TACTICAL TAUNT!
“Come at me, bro!!” I shouted as I flew around the ceiling of the cave. The dragon was quick to follow me, giving chase along the ceiling. After hardly a few seconds of chase, the dragon sent a breath of fire my way, barely dodging with a quick change of altitude. I flew towards the main mountain of gold in the center of the cave and landed on it. The dragon landed just below me on the treasure mountain. I jumped at it with my sword held back and swiped at its face giving it a large cut across its snout. It recoiled in pain and swiped with one of its claws, hitting me and sending me flying into a smaller pile of gold below. I gasped as I felt my right side ache in extreme pain again.
We can’t take another hit like that, Captain!
Dammit! Scotty! What’s our status down below?!
Aye Cap’n! The jewels are unharmed!
I don’t mean that ‘down below’ Scotty, but that’s good to know! I me-
INCOMING!!
The dragon approached and brought another claw down towards me, I barely managed to jump out of the way and the dragon ended up scattering the pile of gold I had been knocked into in all directions across the cave.
Cap’n, the ribcage is severly damaged! Adrenaline’s at max and I’m givin’ it all we’ve got but it’s not holding!
Sir! Orders!
TACTICAL TAUNT AGAIN! WE NEED OUR SWAGGER AT MAXIMUM POWER! AND KEEP PARRYING! IT’S BETTER TO GET HURT DURING EVASIVE MANUVERS THAN TAKING A DIRECT HIT FROM THAT THING!
“Is that all you got!?!? Come on!!! I’m not even getting warmed up yet!!!” The dragon roared fiercely and breathed fire at me.
SHIELDS UP!!
I crouched behind my shield for a few seconds and waited for the flames to subside. As they did, I was met with another claw that knocked me across the room again. This time, I did not meet with a nice pile of treasure and was instead met with the floor of the cave. My shield bounced away somewhere in the cave while my sword was just a few feet away from where I had fallen. I had fallen right on my side, of course. The pain was agonising. If I didn’t have broken ribs from before, I was certain I had some now. The dragon landed right on top of me, pinning my escape from all directions.
CAPTAIN ALL SYSTEMS ARE OFFLINE!!! RIB-CAGE DAMAGE IS CATASTROPHIC!!! THE PAIN HAS BEEN NUMBED FOR NOW, BUT WE’LL BE EXPERIENCING IT FULL ON IN FEW MOMENTS!!!
I CAN SEE THAT LIEUTENANT!
SIR WE NEED TO EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY!
DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GIVE THAT ORDER! I’M STILL THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP! AND I’LL GIVE THE ORDER TO EVACUATE WHEN WE REACH A BATHROOM!
Sir, the dragon’s stopped…
What?!
It’s just standing there, looking down at us.
. . .
Your orders?
… I don’t think we’ve got a way out of this, boys. It’s been an honour serving with you all.
Deploy the apology to Miss Dash?
Now’s the only time we’ll be able to, lieutenant. Deploy.
“Sorry, Rainbow Dash. Looks like I can’t keep your promise. This is how it ends I guess.” I said quietly. My life flashed before me as I saw the dragon’s head arch back and a glow came from its mouth. Its grip loosened slightly. An idea shot through my head.
THE HAT!! THE HAT!! PROPEL YOURSELF OUT OF ITS GRIP!!
I made the connection with my hat and flapped its wings as hard as I could, sending myself shooting out from under its grip. The dragon’s flames enveloped its claw as I narrowly avoiding crashing head-first into the wall of the cave. I quickly flew to where my sword had fallen and picked it up. The flames around the dragon’s claw subsided. It lifted its paw looking for my charred corpse but found nothing.
“HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” I shouted as I flew through the air towards the dragon. The dragon let out a deafening roar.
PLANT THAT SWORD RIGHT BETWEEN ITS EYES!! LEGEND OF ZELDA STYLE!! LET’S DO THIS!!! LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYY JEEEEEEEENNKIIIIIIIIINSSSSSSSS!!!
I landed on top of the dragon’s head with my sword planted firmly through its skull. There was silence now. The dragon and I were as still as statues. I felt the dragon slowly slump towards the ground. I hovered just over its head as it fell down to the floor of the cave, letting out one last low growl. I landed in front of the now deceased dragon.
THE DRAGON IS DEAD!!
HUZZAH! PLAY THE MISSION SUCCESS JINGLE IMMEDIATELY!!
Which one sir?
ANY OF THEM! NOW IS TIME FOR CELEBRATION!
I sighed with relief. I knew there was still pain to come, but it was numb for now. I would deal with that pain when the time came.
Say, there’s some mighty fine treasure ‘round here.
Yeah…
Worth a few pretty pennies I bet…
Yep…
Let your Jew senses take over.
Don’t have to tell me twice!
I found a large backpack and started filling it with all the gold and gems I could get my hands on. Suddenly, I heard voices echo through the cave. Then I saw Pinkie Pie, Matt and Applejack appear at the entrance to the cavern.
“Guys!!!” I yelled as I ran to greet them. They stood with gaping mouths at the slain dragon in front of them. “Yeah, pretty cool, huh?” I said standing next to the dragon and pointing at it.
“How di-” Matt started, he never finished his sentence.
“This dragon fought valiantly, he almost had me at one point. He had me pinned against the ground and was ready to turn me into overcooked barbeque. I’m lucky to be alive right now. Oh yeah, al-”
“JIMMY!!!” Pinkie Pie yelled as she jumped on me and shook me, my side in pain yet again “WHY DID YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE?!?!?!”
Normally, I would approve of this situation. But right now… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHH OH GOD IT HURTS GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!
“I’m sorry Pinkie!!! I should have trusted you when you told me not to go anywhere! I let my bull-headedness get the better of me, will you forgive me and get off me PLEASE?!!?!” I replied as fast as my mouth and tongue would allow. Pinkie quickly jumped off me looking a bit puzzled with my request.
“Ah’m sorry Jimmy, I shoulda told you that you didn’t have ta work today, Ah guess it slipped my mind. Ah’m real, real sorry.” Applejack said taking off her hat and holding it to her chest. I got to my feet with Matt and Pinkie’s help.
“It’s okay, Applejack, from Pinkie’s explanation she gave me this morning I should’ve thought that you just forgot to tell me.” I replied.
“Jimmy!!!” Pinkie yelled again. “Don’t ever scare me like that again!!!!!”
“Okay Pinkie, I promise.” I replied.
“Do you Pinkie Pie promise?” She asked.
“I… Don’t know what that is.”
“You cross your heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye!” She said poking herself in the eye. She didn’t flinch or show any sign of pain when she stuck her hoof into her eye however.
“Okay, I cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my-- OWWW!” I said as I actually poked myself in the eye.
STOP INFLICTING PAIN ON US GODDAMNIT!
“Okay I forgive you!” Pinkie said smiling; she bounced away to a pile of treasure in the corner of the cave and played with a mirror she found, moving her face to and from the mirror making funny sounds.
“So, how did you kill this dragon?” Matt asked.
“Heh heh, Remember the end of Wind Waker?” I replied “That’s how.”
We filled up several bags with treasure, rather, everyone present but me. I sat with my back against the wall of the cave. The pain had come on full-force since the adrenaline had stopped pumping through my veins. I couldn’t bend to pick anything up. Standing was almost out of the question, but it had to happen sometime. The treasure was plentiful, Matt and I decided we were going to use it to buy us our house and furnish it. Also, hopefully live off of it for the remainder of our lives.
NIGGER JESUS MOTHER CHRIST FUCKING ASSHOLE SHIT WANKER BUGGER FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKK!!!!
“You’re alive!!!” Rainbow said happily as she kissed me on the cheek.
“Of course I’m alive, I had to keep the one promise I could make for you...” I replied with a very pained smile as calmly as I could. “Now, could you please get off me? I think I’ve got some broken ribs, so…”
“Oh, shoot, sorry… Heh heh…” Rainbow said getting off of me.
I saw Fluttershy flying towards me.
“Jimmy, are you okay?” Fluttershy asked landing in front of me.
“I don’t know, I think I’ve got some broken ribs.” I said lifting my shirt to reveal my completely bruised right side. “The cuts are nothing, but this is the big problem.”
“Oh dear!” Fluttershy exclaimed “What did that to you?” I pondered my response for a moment, on a whim I would’ve said something about Rainbow Dash tackling me, but I didn’t want anyone to be mad at her for my injuries.
“The dragon did that.” I replied; Rainbow Dash looked at me with a confused look on her face “Yeah, he knocked me pretty hard, but I was able to finish him off.”
“Oh dear, oh dear, we need to get you to the hospital!” Fluttershy exclaimed “Applejack, Rainbow Dash, could you carry him or at least keep him off his feet?”
“I can fly there, it doesn’t hurt to fly. Lead the way, Fluttershy.”
“Umm… Well, I don’t actually know the way out of here.”
“Ah do, though.” Applejack stated “Come on, it’s this way.” She said as she started on the path out of the Everfree Forest. We all followed closely behind her.
After some time, we finally got to the hospital where a white pony with a light pink mane named Redheart was able to patch me up quickly. My ribs were indeed broken on my right side. They were broken badly enough that I needed to wear a brace around my body.
Well, at least your first broken bones were from something badass rather than a wimpy fall down some stairs or something.
I also received many bandages for my numerous cuts and scrapes. It wasn’t necessary that I stay in the hospital, so we returned to Sugar Cube Corner. I said my goodbyes and thanks to Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and the others and I bid them good night as I decided I needed to go lie down. So I did. I put down my bags of treasure and my sword and flopped down on the bed dismissing the horrible pain from my ribs as I flung myself onto the bed. I was not thinking about what I was doing and acted by reflex, which I regretted immediately, but decided to man up and deal with it and eventually I fell asleep.
A dragon today... What’s tomorrow gonna be? I can guess tomorrow will be bed rest, as well as the day after that and the day after that…
With A Little Help From My Friends
I was certainly right about the bed rest. Pinkie Pie as well as Mr. and Mrs. Cake didn’t want me leaving their care. However, I did want to go out so Matt and I could get our own place, but I suppose it could wait. If it made Pinkie and the Cakes happy, I’d do it.
I had a good few visitors over the next few days.
Rarity had come over Wednesday evening. She told me she would try to come over as long as she had spare time, which was difficult because she had to fill several large orders for different celebrity ponies that had ordered entire wardrobes from her.
Rainbow Dash came over every afternoon to chat with me. We’d talk about music and flying and things like that, we would also swap funny stories from our pasts. Matt would help me out for most of our stories as he was almost always part of them.
Applejack came over once a day to bring me apple pie. She really does make the best apple pie around. She’d tell me about her family and things like that. I learnt about Applebloom and her friend’s ‘crusades’ to find their cutie marks. I learnt about her big brother, but she didn’t talk too much about him. Applejack also told me how if it hadn’t been for her grandmother, Ponyville wouldn’t even exist. That story was certainly something to hear.
Fluttershy came over on Wednesday and didn’t leave. She stayed at Sugar Cube Corner because she was afraid something more would happen to me. She would only leave for about half an hour at the most to go feed her animal friends but rush back as fast as she could.
Twilight came over every day as well. She would come and read the history of Equestria to me. I never found any of it boring, I always enjoyed history for the most part. I found it incredible that there was never a pony war or conflict of any kind. The only wars that happened were between griffons and zebras and such. I also found it quite surprising how the princesses had control over the sun and moon. I suspected it to be a ruse, but then I thought about how we are thousands of years in the future, and magic has a part to play now rather than just physics.
On Friday morning at 6 am, Twilight came to pay me a visit.
“Jimmy!” She yelled as the door flew open. “I found a spell that will heal your broken bones!! Isn’t that great?!” I opened my eyes; I had only just woken up from the sound of the door flying open.
Purple… Horse… What…? Bones? Ask her what she said again…
“Uhh… What?” I asked, trying to figure out what Twilight was jumping up and down in excitement about.
“I found a spell that’ll fix your ribs!” Twilight repeated “I was looking through some old spell books last night when I came across a couple of healing spells!!”
Ohh… That sounds cool and stuff… I guess… Give me a minute to reason this out, I’m not awake yet…
Matt then woke up and looked around the room to find Twilight hopping back and forth.
“Uhh… Whuh?” He asked “Where… Where dem white bitches...” he said groggily as he fell back into his pillow and started snoring. I looked at Matt for a few seconds to try and imagine what his dream was about.
Whatever that shit was about, it sounds like a party. A party I’d very much like to attend.
I then looked to Twilight who was standing very close to me with a big smile on her face. It was obvious she hadn’t slept last night, she had bags under her eyes and her mane was quite unkempt, her right eye was also twitching a little too much for my liking.
Guy, I think we should hold off on the healing spells for now.
Why?
Number one, she looks tired as fuck, she’ll probably fuck it up due to her lack of sleep. Two, it’s old magic, shit ain’t reliable, it’s possible she could fuck you up more with that.
Fair enough.
“That’s great, Twilight. But um, didn’t you tell me a little while ago that old magic wasn’t really the most trustworthy?” I asked.
“Yes, that is true, but this magic I’m sure will work!” She replied continuing her hopping “Please let me try it, please?”
lol dis bitch crazy if she thinks she’s trying old magic on me in my state. No thanks, I’ll take the six weeks of bed confinement.
“I don’t know, Twilight. I’m a bit scared for me right now. What if something goes wrong? Even if the spell is a sure-fire thing, you don’t look like you’ve had a lot of sleep. I don’t want something to go wrong, is all.”
“Jimmy…” She said calming down “I want to help you get better. I just don’t want you to be in pain anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to be in your position, but I’m sure it’s unbearable. Can I please try and help you?” There was a pause.
Aww that’s adorable, she doesn’t want us to be in pain. I don’t think she understands the fact that there is only do or do not. Ain’t no try up in this motherfucker.
“Well, it’s not a really a ‘try’ when it comes to magic, is it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You do the spell or you don’t. You help me or you don’t. There’s never a try involved. Hell, that’s not even just magic, that’s everything. What I’m saying is, if something goes wrong, I could be put in an even worse condition. I’m not saying I doubt your abilities, Twilight. I’m saying that this spell is either gonna work or won’t work and there’s no practice run. It’s either the spell’s successful and I’m healthy again, or it isn’t and I’m in a worse position than I was before or I’m dead. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“I understand Jimmy.” She said “That’s why I am going to help you. Are you ready?”
Ugh... If she fucks it up, right?... Bugger it, let’s just fucking do it.
You sure?
Yeah…
“Don’t I need to take off the covers or anything?” I ask.
“Oh yes, I’m gonna need you to take off the brace too.” I was able to move the covers off of me. Sitting up was a challenge on its own, just as it had been for the past few days. Hopefully this would be the last time I’d feel it. Once I sat up, I took off my brace with some help from Twilight and put it on the bed next to me. I took a deep breath.
“I’m ready Twilight.” I said. “Make it happen.” Her horn started glowing brightly. My chest started to feel numb as it also started glowing. I felt the bones moving around inside me, clicking back together and being cemented back. There was no pain throughout the operation which continued for a good minute and a half. Finally, once the operation was finished, her horn stopped glowing and Twilight was struggling to keep standing.
Huh… Ain’t that some shit… I guess that’s what it feels like being healed by the Medic’s medigun in Team Fortress 2.
“I… I did it… Hah… Hah…” She panted, she was about to fall over on her side when I sprung from my bed and held her up.
“Twilight… Thank you…” I said as I kissed her on the cheek. I lay her on my bed and put the sheet over her body. Matt started the slow clap. I turned around to see him sitting up on his bed seeming to be fully awake.
“How long have you been up?” I asked him. I hadn’t noticed him being awake until just now.
“A little while.” He replied “Since you started talking like Yoda.”
“What, you mean the ‘Do or do not, there is no try’ bit?”
“Yep.”
“Ah, interesting. Anyway, come on, let’s go get some food, I’m hungry as hell.” I said while putting on a clean shirt and pants.
“I need about tree fiddy.”
“Then I realised my friend was the Loch Ness monster all along. I ain’t got no tree fiddy fo’ yo dumb-ass, they ain’t even got cents here!” I said exiting the room. We came downstairs to find Fluttershy who upon seeing me walking down the steps flew over to me with an incredibly worried expression on her face.
“Jimmy, oh dear, please go back to bed, you can’t nearly be well enough to be walking around like this!” She pleaded.
“Don’t worry Fluttershy, Twilight just found a spell that mended my bones, I’m perfectly fine now.” I replied smiling. “Well, almost fine.” I said as I noticed the cuts on my arms and was reminded of the rest of them all over my body.
“We’re gonna go head out to look at that house I went to see yesterday afternoon.” Matt told her as he was putting on his jacket.
“Fluttershy, I have to ask you a favour.” I started. “Twilight is passed out on my bed. I think it’s just from exhaustion. But anyway, she’s been up for the past, probably three days at the most. She passed out just after finishing the spell, could you just make sure she’s okay when she wakes up for me?”
“Of course, Jimmy, I’d be happy to.” She replied.
“Hey, where’s Pinkie Pie?” Matt asked upon noticing there was no pink bouncing pony anywhere in sight.
“I’m right here!” Pinkie said. We looked around the room for a sign of the elusive pony.
‘Here’, such a specific location…
“Where would 'here' be, exactly?” I asked. I looked up and saw Pinkie hanging upside down in mid-air much like she had when I met her. “How the hell do you do that?”
“It’s a secret!” Pinkie said as she landed on her hooves and bounced into the kitchen singing a tune that sounded like the Super Mario Bros. theme. Matt, Fluttershy and I all looked at each other blankly and after a few seconds we went about our business. Matt and I left the house leaving Twilight in Fluttershy’s capable hooves.
“So, how much money did you get off all that treasure?” I asked as we walked.
“About tree fiddy.” He replied.
“Ha ha, serious thing though, how much?”
“I don’t really remember; all I know is that it was a lot.” He stated stopping his Loch Ness monster voice “But it’s more enough that we’ll basically never have to work again and we can still be sitting pretty.”
“Yes, sitting all pretty and fabulous.”
“Damn straight gurlllllfren’!”
Eventually we reached the house Matt had picked for us. It was hardly a three minute walk from Sugar Cube Corner and the same time to the library. This was one of the larger houses on the street. Matt went to the front door and took a set of keys from his pocket.
“Wait, you have keys? You bought the place already?” I asked, slightly upset he didn’t wait for my approval.
“Yeah, I did, but don’t worry. You’re gonna love this place.” He replied opening the door.
Motherfucker, buying shit without my approval and shit…
We walked inside. Across from the door was a staircase with a passageway next to it. Under the stairs were more stairs which led to the basement. The kitchen could be seen at the end of the passageway. To our left was what seemed to be intended as a living room, I only guessed this because it had a fire place. To the right of the entrance was another large room. I guessed it to be the dining room due to the large chandelier hanging in the center of the room. At the end of the dining room was a doorway in the left side that led to the kitchen and directly across from that doorway was another doorway which led to the living room.
Up the stairs, there were four bedrooms. The master bedroom was the last door on the left down the hall at the top of the stairs. One other bedroom was down that hallway. To the right were the remaining two bedrooms as well as the bathroom. The master bedroom had its own bathroom as well as a large window that looked out into the street. The last bedroom on this hallway was the same size as the master bedroom, just without the bathroom in it. It also had a window which looked out onto the street below. The other two bedrooms were basically mirrors of each other. The windows of both these bedrooms had one that looked out to the back yard and another that faced the neighbour’s houses.
Well Matt, I gotta give it to you…
“This place is pretty awesome, man.” I told Matt patting him on the back.
“Oh, but you haven’t seen the basement yet.” He replied leading me downstairs. The basement led to a small ground floor with three doors. To the right were two large windowed doors which also contained a fireplace. That room must have been used as an office or another living room. The door across from the stairs led to a pantry.
“So, what’s behind this door then?” I said pointing to the door on our left. Matt chuckled as he opened the door and led me inside. The room was the same size as the office/living room, but this room was different, it was sound proofed. The room was all white with no windows leading into it, so no noise would annoy the neighbours. There was a doorway that led to another room inside this one with a glass window.
No fuckin’ way… Duuuuuuuuuude…
“Dude, is this… A studio?” I asked in disbelief.
“That it is, my good sir.” He replied. “This room is why I picked this house. It would’ve been nice to have the house furnished, especially because we would’ve gotten all the audio equipment with it. But still, I think that’s not much of a problem, is it?”
“Not at all, man. Not at all.” I said patting him on the back again.
“What’s with this pat-on-the-back crap?” He replied holding out his arms. We hugged as we had found our new home. We exited the house and Matt was in the process of locking the front door when a thought crossed my mind.
Canterlot.
What about it?
We’re going there tomorrow.
What? Why?
Remember? Twilight sent a letter to the princesses and they want to meet us?
Oh shit! Right!
“Hey dude, I just remembered something.” I stated.
“What’s that?” He asked.
“We’re going to Canterlot tomorrow.”
“Wait… Oh right! We were going with Twilight to meet the princesses! Shit, I completely forgot!” We locked the house and made our way back to Sugar Cube Corner recounting what had to be done before we leave for Canterlot and what we need to get when we’re there.
“Yeah, so we gotta pack tomorrow. While we’re in Canterlot, we should shop around a little bit for furniture and stuff. They’ve probably got a way better selection than here.”
“Oh yeah, for sure they will. Another thing we have to do is check out their music scene.”
“I dunno man; something tells me it’s all classical stuff.”
“Hey, remember what we thought about back home? We thought it was all just soca and dub and all that kinda bullshit? Weren’t we proven wrong when we found that bar?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I said as we opened the door at Sugar Cube Corner. The place seemed dead. It was closing time, but we didn’t even hear the sound of Pinkie cleaning up the kitchen or anything. Not even Pumpkin or Pound’s crying or laughing or any kind of noise at all. “I guess everyone went out.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Matt replied. We headed upstairs to find Fluttershy asleep on Matt’s bed and Twilight reading Matt’s borrowed copy of The Formation of Old Equestria on my bed. She looked up from her book.
“Oh, hey there Jimmy, hi Matt,” Twilight said cheerfully. “You guys ready for tomorrow?”
“I guess so.” Matt replied.
“Where’d you guys head off to?” She asked.
“We went to visit our new house!” I replied happily “It’s awesome, we’ll have to bring everyone over once we furnish it. It’s barren right now, but it’s really awesome!”
“Matt, I thought you hadn’t bought the place yet.” She said as she looked to Matt who was taking off his shoes and nearly lost his balance when Twilight said his name.
“Yeah, that was on Wednesday when you asked me about it. I bought it yesterday evening because that’s when I was given the tour.” He replied sitting down on the floor next to his bed where Fluttershy still lay sleeping.
“Oh, I see. Well, it’s good that you guys are both happy with it.” She replied.
“So… Get to the station for what time?” Matt asked.
“Get there for about 8:30.” Twilight replied after thinking for a moment.
“Should we bring our instruments?” I asked.
“I suppose you could.” Twilight replied. “I think the princesses would like to hear the kind of music you play. As long as the songs you play are tasteful, of course.” Matt and I grinned at Twilight.
“Oh yeah, sure we will.”
/sarcasm.
“Where’s everyone and what happened to Fluttershy?” I asked.
“Pinkie and the Cakes have gone out for dinner tonight. As for Fluttershy, well, I don’t know. I was reading this book to her and, well, I didn’t even notice she fell asleep. I suppose we better wake he-”
“NO.” Matt and I interrupted.
“Uhh… W-”
“Twilight,” I started “I don’t think you understand the level of cuteness a sleeping Fluttershy emits.”
“The level of cuteness is clearly over nine thousand.” Matt continued. “If one were to wake her, the target would have to be eliminated immediately.”
“You guys can’t be-”
“Oh, but we are Twilight.” I started again. “If you wake her…”
“You seal your fate.” Matt finished. Twilight looked at us with a frightened and confused look.
“Alright, fine.” She said going back to her book. Matt and I quickly started d’awwing over the sleeping Fluttershy for the next hour and a half while Twilight read her book and occasionally glanced at us in confusion. Matt and I giggled like school girls every time Fluttershy made a small squeak in her sleep, which was surprisingly often. Eventually Fluttershy woke up to find me, Twilight and Matt all asleep. Twilight was still on my bed while Matt and I were on the floor. Fluttershy realised it was late and she had to feed her animals as it was past their dinner time. She left us leaving a note on the bed that read:
Dear Matt, Jimmy and Twilight,
It’s about 9 pm now and I have to leave because I need to feed my animal friends, if that’s okay with you, I mean, if it’s not a problem. I didn’t want to wake any of you up because, well, you all just looked so peaceful asleep like you were, so I’m leaving this note so that you don’t get scared when you find out that I’ve left.
I hope you all have fun on your trip tomorrow!
-Fluttershy
When I woke up, it was 5 am. I’m surprised Pinkie hadn’t come in and found us all asleep and told Twilight to go home or anything like that. As I got up from my more than comfortable position of being sprawled out on the floor, I read the note that Fluttershy had left us and chuckled at the fact she used an exclamation point at the end when she could hardly speak above a normal volume to begin with. As I put the note down, I went and packed my backpack as I should have done from the day before. Once I was finished and had gotten dressed to leave, I looked over at the still sleeping Twilight and Matt. I’ll have to wake them up.
“Twi,” I said as I shook her hoof a little bit. “It’s 5:30, wake up, you’re still at Sugar Cube Corner, come on.”
“Ughhhhh, I don’t wanna go to school today mom…” Twilight said in a still half-awake state.
She… Doesn’t want to go to school?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH TWILIGHT?!
“Twilight, seriously, you gotta wake up.” I said shaking her hoof a little more.
“Ughhh,” She opened her eyes and looked at me “Jimmy… What’re you doing here at this hour?”
“Well, this is kinda where I’ve been staying for the past week or so. Why wouldn’t I be here?” I replied. Twilight opened her eyes wider.
“Oh no!! I’m still at Sugar Cube Corner!!!” She exclaimed. “Jimmy!! What time is it?”
“It’s 5:34…”
“AGH!!! I GOTTA GET HOME AND PACK!!!” She said jumping off the bed nearly putting a hoof into Matt’s crotch as she did. “GOTTA GO, SEE YOU IN A BIT JIMMY!!!” She yelled running out the door.
“Jack,” Matt said as I was looking at the door Twilight had just disappeared to, I turned around to see Matt on the floor lying on his side with his right hand propping up his head “Draw me like one of your French girls.” I looked at him for a moment before bursting out in laughter “Stop! You’ll wake Flutter-” He looked on his bed to find that Fluttershy wasn’t there “AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! WHERE’S FLUTTERSHY?!?!?!”
“Chill the fuck out man, look, she left a note.” I replied giving him the note. He briefly read it and gave it back.
“I need to pack and stuff.” He stated.
“That you do, my friend.” I said patting him on the back and lying down on my bed.
“And what do you think you’re doing?”
“I packed while you guys slept soundly. I’m at least lying down for the next hour and a half in my own bed.” Matt looked over to see my guitar leaned up against the dresser.
“Not taking your guitar?”
“Well, I was hoping Canterlot would have some music stores that would have some good electric guitars. I mean, yeah, they’re just ponies, but if rock music exists, they gotta have electric guitars.”
“Don’t be expecting them to have Gibson and Fender though…”
“I know, it’ll be something along the lines of Hoofson or something like that. Amirite?”
“That was horrible.”
“I know. I’m terrible with pony puns.”
“That you are.”
Matt packed his clothes and his saxophone. After a little while of consideration, I packed up my guitar and amp because I may as well do so. I also remembered Twilight saying something about playing for the princesses. Chances are we would be playing for them because I couldn’t see Twilight not bringing up our musical abilities. Once we were finished packing and triple checked we had everything we needed, we headed downstairs where Pinkie had made us a send-off breakfast of pancakes.
After breakfast we said our goodbyes to Pinkie Pie and the Cakes and headed to the station with Twilight where we got on the train to Canterlot. Matt and I wondered what surprises we had in store for us in Canterlot, surely there would be at least a few...
With A Little Help From My Friends
The train ride only lasted about two hours. We arrived in Canterlot at eleven o’clock. We had to meet with the princesses at twelve. As we exited the station, there were two white pegasus ponies in gold armour that had come to escort us to the castle.
The city was huge. It seemed quite a bit more modern than Ponyville, the ponies here seemed far more ‘proper’ than those of Ponyville. All of them wore clothes being mostly suits and dresses. There were many shops which seemed very pricey, but I figured that’s how they would all be around here.
We passed by a jazz club called ‘The Jazzy Hooves’ on the way to the castle. On a sign outside, it read ‘TONIGHT AT 8 PM. THE GREAT PAULIE STARR AND FRIENDS!! Happy Hour 8 – 10 pm’.
“Paulie Starr?” Matt asked.
“And friends?” I continued. “What are they? The Beatles of around here?”
“I’ve never heard of them.” Said Twilight. Matt and I weren’t exactly surprised at that.
“Paulie Starr…”
Starr… Like… Ringo? Wait… Nah… No way…
Still go check it out?
Yeah… Just so I can prove myself wrong…
“We should go check that out tonight.” I stated.
“Agreed.” Matt replied.
Paul… Could he really be here? I mean, wouldn’t he have appeared in Ponyville or around there?
Dunno man, we’ll find out tonight.
We reached the castle. There was no trouble getting through the main gate as we had Royal Guards escorting us. The guards guided us to the entrance of the throne room. They then left us to enter the throne room on our own.
“Okay guys, are you ready?” Twilight asked turning to us. We were in our formal attire to meet the princesses. Matt was wearing his black suit with a bright red tie and I was in my black suit with a dark green tie.
Sharpest motherfuckers in the joint!
“Ready.” We said in unison. Twilight used her magic and opened the door to the throne room. There was a long red carpet leading to the throne at the opposite end of the room. Many long banners hung from the sides of the room. Above the throne was a large glass window of the two princesses in what was similar to a yin-yang symbol with the princesses creating the two halves of the circle with the sun and moon as the dots in their respective semi-circles. There were a few steps at the end of the room that led up to the throne.
At the throne sat a white alicorn with a flowing green, purple, blue and pink striped mane who as I recalled was Princess Celestia. On her left sat a smaller alicorn that was a dark blue colour whose mane looked like a starry night’s sky, this one’s name was Princess Luna.
“Princess!” Twilight called out as she ran to meet her teacher, she walked straight up to the throne and embraced her teacher.
Hugs?
No retard. They know each other. You are but a lowly peasant. No hugs for you.
Awww…
Now bow motherfucker, ‘fore your ass gets sent to the sun or the moon or some shit.
“My faithful student, it is so good to see you again after all this time.” She replied. Matt and I walked to the throne and stopped just before the stairs. We both got down on one knee and bowed to the princesses. I was not quite sure what to say at this point and decided it was best to wait until I was spoken to before speaking.
“You may rise.” Celestia said. We stood straight up. “Now, tell me, what are your names?”
“My name is Matthew Wahlberg.” Matt said.
“And my name is James, or, Jimmy, Callahan.” I continued.
“I see,” Celestia stated “And I suppose you know who I am, correct?”
“Yes, you are Princess Celestia.” Matt said.
“And that is Princess Luna to your left, if I’m not mistaken.”
“YES, I AM PRINCESS LUNA. IT IS A PLEASURE TO MEET THINE ACQUAINTANCE.” The dark blue alicorn said with an incredibly loud voice that didn’t go with her appearance. “Oh, I’m sorry; I forgot we don’t use the Royal Canterlot voice anymore. It is a pleasure to meet you both.”
lol she used her all caps rage on us.
“As it is our pleasure to meet you, princess.” I replied. Luna smiled.
“Twilight tells me you two are from the distant past. Does that explanation make sense to you?” Celestia asked.
“Well, there was no third world war going on when we were last… There.” I started.
“But with the way things were going, it seemed quite possible that something like a nuclear war was going to happen soon.” Matt finished.
“Nuclear war?” Luna asked “What is that?”
Oh boy, they don’t know about nukes. God knows they’ll start developing them the second we finish explaining what they are.
“Well, certain countries had these bombs which were capable of explosions that could engulf large areas in a massive fireball by splitting uranium atoms which released large amounts of energy, which, comes out as an explosion of fire which could literally destroy an entire city. Even destroy the very land it stands on.” Matt stated
“There were many treaties that said the weapons could not be used on non-nuclear powers, and if they were used on countries with nuclear weapons, that every nuclear power would essentially destroy the planet by detonating all nuclear weapons.” I continued.
“But surely those weapons could not engulf the entire planet! Could they?” Luna asked again.
“Well, no.” I replied. “It’s the after effects that would kill off any countries not affected by the bombs directly. See, what would happen is nuclear winter, which is basically all the debris from the destroyed countries would be thrown up into the atmosphere and fall down over a long period of time like radioactive snow. I suppose that’s what killed off all the humans.” I then thought of something that had never crossed my mind. “But, if it killed off all humans… How did ponies come around and gain human-like intelligence?” I asked looking at Celestia.
“The history books claim that ponies came out of shelters under the ground and built homes above the ground where the lands were no longer covered in this debris.” Celestia stated.
“But what about unicorns and pegasi and… Alicorns…?” Matt asked “We never had those in our time. We only had fairy tales which told of them.”
“That, I do not know. At the time, it was said that the three main types of ponies emerged from the shelters that have long been lost and forgotten. My sister and I are two of the very few Alicorns that have existed in this world.”
“Hmm… What do you think it means, Matt?” I ask.
“Scientist brings ponies and birds and a shitload of mythological books into a bomb shelter and experiments for years until he finally creates the ponies we see here that have human intelligence.”
“Honestly, I’d say greater intelligence.” I reply.
“Why’s that?” Matt asked.
“Well think about it, the ponies have never started wars with anyone. The only other races that have are the griffons and zebras.”
“That’s the other thing, how did zebras and griffons come about?” Matt asked Celestia.
“The griffons came from a similar shelter, but it was not the same one pony-kind came from. As for the zebras, they were native to their lands already and had their own culture and speech already established.” She replied.
“That’s just plain odd.” I stated “I think the scientist and the shelter theory works on all accounts, to be honest. It explains all the mythological creatures in this world. The only other way it could possibly work is through radiation, the creatures changed.”
“But then how would we have stories about these creatures?” Matt asked.
“You pose a good point.” I stated “Princess Celestia, have other humans been present in Equestria during your life time?”
“Yes, other humans have been in Equestria before, but they had been sent back shortly after arriving.”
“Wait, so there is a way to get back?!!” Matt asked, nearly shouting.
“Well, the last set of humans who came to Equestria came here over a thousand years ago. The magic to send someone back has long been lost, and all attempts that have been made to send other creatures back to your time had gone catastrophically wrong.” Luna replied “For your own safety, I would suggest not trying it.”
“My sister poses a strong point.” Celestia continued “Only one human ever made it back out of the several that had come here. The creatures we tried to send with him never made it.”
“Oh… Well… I don’t want to hear the stories of what became of them. I can guess what they are already.” Matt replied. “So we’re definitely stuck in your world then?”
“Unless you’ve got a death wish, then yes, it would seem so.” Luna replied; Celestia gave her a slightly upset look for her choice of words.
I like Luna. Dat bluntness.
“Pardon me for asking, Princess Celestia, but…” I started “Why did you summon us?”
“Well it wasn’t all you, to be honest. I wanted to see my student again and I already had the intention of bringing her here for a few days. But when she told me about having met humans in this world, my sister and I wanted to meet with you two. So, we had her bring you here. I also wanted to make sure you were comfortable in your new home. You are comfortable, aren’t you?”
“More than I’ve been in my entire life, your majesty.” I replied.
“Very, very comfortably.” Said Matt.
“Umm, what happened to your face and hands?” Luna asked me.
“Oh, umm… I kinda fought a dragon… In the Everfree Forest… Yeah…” I replied “Killing a dragon in self defense isn’t a crime here, is it?”
“No, it isn’t.” Celestia replied.
“Then… What’s with the look?” I asked.
“It’s just… You don’t look strong enough to confront a dragon, let alone kill one. You don’t look like you’d hurt a fly!” Luna replied.
“Yeah, I did kill one though.”
“Please tell us about how it happened, please?” Luna asked.
D’awwwww she looks adorable when she begs like that.
I couldn’t say no to those eyes for too long. So I recounted the tale of how I was foolish enough to fly about in a lightning storm, crash landed in the Everfree Forest with Rainbow Dash, how I woke up a dragon by accident, how I killed the aforementioned dragon and the events leading up until now.
“… And yesterday, Twilight found an old spell that mends bones that she used to fix up my ribs. It worked fantastically, she truly is the most talented unicorn in Equestria, I’m sure of it.” I finished, Twilight blushed.
“I agree with you completely on that last comment.” Celestia said.
“As for your battle and injuries, I am glad that you were the victor and that you’re in perfect health once again.” Celestia said.
“So am I.” I replied smiling.
“Princess Celestia,” Twilight started “These two are musicians; they’re very good would you like to hear them play?” Celestia looked at the large clock that was on the wall above the entrance to the room.
“I’d love to hear them, but it shall have to wait until tomorrow.” Celestia stated “Twilight, Jimmy, Matt, you may all go to your rooms now to unpack and such. Feel free to roam about the castle. If you are hungry, you can go to the kitchen, I’ve told my chefs to make you anything you desire. As long as it’s not beef or anything of that sort.”
GODDAMNIT.
“I must go. It’s been a pleasure to meet you both and it is lovely to see you again, my student.” Suddenly Celestia teleported to who knows where after she said that. Luna waved to us and also teleported away.
“Well, let’s go to our rooms and unpack and stuff.” Matt said.
“Yeah, I’m pretty tired.” I replied “You coming Twilight?”
“No, I’m gonna go down to the castle library for a while.” She replied. I wasn’t too surprised that that was where she was going.
“Alright, meet us at the entrance to the castle at quarter to eight though.” I told her.
“I’ll be there!” She shouted back as she exited the throne room. I approached Matt.
“Dude, did you get a little upset when she said anything but meat?” I asked him.
“Majorly.” He replied.
We went up to our rooms and unpacked. I fell asleep until 7 pm when Matt came in with two plates of pasta so we could eat before we left. We talked for the next little while and decided it was time to get to the front entrance. To our surprise, Twilight was already there waiting for us.
“What took you guys so long?” She asked grinning.
“You’re early; it’s only 7:30, what happened? Got bored of studying?” Matt asked.
“No, I just figured if I started reading another book I’d be late to meet you.” She replied.
Clever girl.
“She’s learning, Matt.” I said chuckling. We started on our way out of the castle and into the town.
“So, where are we going exactly? Twilight asked.
“We’re going to that jazz club we passed on the way to the castle this morning.” I replied looking around on the left side of the road for the club.
“Why there?” She asked with a bit of a whine in her voice.
“What’s the matter, something wrong with the place?” Matt asked.
“No, I’ve never been there, but I think there’s something else you’re going there for, not just the music.” She replied.
“Well duh, it is a bar. Ponies go there for drinks too.” Matt stated.
“That’s not wh-”
“Here it is.” I said pointing to a building with neon lettering that said ‘The Jazzy Hooves’. Inside, the place was quite packed with ponies. All that could be heard was the chatter of ponies everywhere. The place was dimly lit except for some bright lights that shone on a curtain that covered the stage. The bar was long and had 3 bartenders and many, many, many bottles of booze behind them. The waitresses were all ponies in what looked like common-whore clothing from the times of the Wild West. There was one unoccupied booth near the front that we were able to sit down in. Matt and I got to the booth with no trouble, but a few colts gave Twilight a bit of a hard time as she walked over with us.
Well that was expected.
Indeed. To be honest, I’m surprised we haven’t gotten any odd looks.
Yeah.
“Did we really have to come here?” Twilight asked us.
“Dude, yeah, why were you so keen on coming to this place?” Matt asked me.
“I have a feeling we’ll meet someone here.” I replied; a waitress pony came up to us. She was a white earth pony with a long blonde mane.
“Can Ah get y’all anythin’ t’ drink?” She asked with a slight Southern accent.
“I’ll have a whiskey, please,” I replied “Matt?”
“A vodka, please.” Matt replied.
“Twilight, what about you?”
“Umm… Do you have apple cider here?” She asked sheepishly, sinking down into her chair.
“We do.” She replied “So it’s a whiskey, vodka and a cider?” The waitress confirmed.
“Yeah, that’s right.” I replied.
“Okay y’all, Ah’ll be back in a sec’, holla if you boys see anythin’ you like.” She said winking at me and Matt. It took me a moment to take that line in.
She likes you. You should ask her rates.
Not a fucking chance.
There was silence at our table as Twilight shrunk down in her seat and Matt looked to the floor at the side of the table.
“Well… It could be worse.” I finally spoke.
“Really? I don’t think so.” Twilight said.
“It could be a gay bar, ever think of that?” I asked her. “It could be mares hitting on you instead of colts.”
I think she might like that, bro.
“I--… You have a point, I guess…” She replied.
The waitress came back with our drinks and when she left, a dark blue colt wearing a tuxedo walked out on stage.
“Good evening fillies and gentlecolts, how is everypony tonight?” He asked the audience, cheers erupted from the audience signalling that they were doing well. “We’ve got a special treat for you tonight, we’ve got an especially talented drummer here, y’all know who I’m talking about!” cheers erupted from the crowd again “As well as his group of musical friends, so without further ado, here is… Paulie Starr and Friends!!” the cheering became much louder now as the curtain rose. Three ponies were on the stage. One with a cello who seemed to be a female, one with a saxophone and the other behind a piano, these two looked male.
Behind the drum kit however, was not a pony. It was a human. He stood on the drum stool waving to the audience. He was taller than Matt. He was more muscular than Matt as well. His skin was a bit darker than Matt’s but just slightly lighter than my colour. His hair was curly and dark brown and grew out like a short afro.
“Oh. My. God.” Matt said.
“Jimmy, who is that?” Twilight asked.
“That’s… Paul.” I replied.
He’s here. I don’t believe it…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 11 - Paulie Can't Fail
Paul jumped off his drum stool and sat down on it. He counted off a one-two-three-four on his sticks and started playing a lively jazz-styled drum solo. The rest of the band joined him after a little more than thirty seconds of solid soloing that proved to all the newcomers in the club just why he was so special. Near the front of the stage, several unoccupied tables were immediately cleared out of the way to create a dance-floor which many ponies took advantage of immediately. Matt and I were sitting at our table freaking out over the fact that Paul was actually here with us.
“OH MY GOD HE’S HERE!!!! HE’S HERE!!!!” I yelled.
“HOLY SHIT!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!!” Matt yelled back.
“Umm… Who is that?” Twilight asked quietly. We didn’t hear her however and we continued losing our minds over the fact that our friend was here in this world too. We started cheering for Paul at the top of our lungs.
“WOOOOOO!! GO PAULIE!!!!” I cheered.
“YOU MAKE ME WET!!!!!” Matt shouted with a high-pitched voice, Twilight and I stared at him completely confused “I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES PAUL!!!!!!!!” We dismissed Matt who continued to yell odd cheers following his format at the top of his lungs in his womanly voice for the remainder of the first song.
“I don’t believe he’s actually here!!” I yelled to Matt over the loud music.
“I know right?!?!? It’s friggin’ insane!!” He replied.
“Who is he?!” Twilight yelled angrily, we completely ignored her and continued to express our shock at finding our Ringo here. She sighed and continued drinking her cider. Once her cider was finished, she actually took my whiskey to help her drown the current stress. It was okay though, I should’ve ordered vodka like Matt, I didn’t really like whiskey that much anyway.
This is why you have to work on your drinks of choice, my boy.
Yeah… Not too good at that yet…
With practice, you will learn.
The band played for a solid hour, playing several instrumental jazz songs that ranged from all kinds of tempos and different styles. Most of the content of the songs seemed improvised from what I could tell. Once the band took their bows, they left the stage. The MC came out and bid everyone a good night and made an announcement about tomorrow night’s act which we did not bother to remember the name of. We saw Paul and the cello-playing pony go to the bar.
“Okay, we gotta go greet him, quickly, before he leaves!” I said scrambling up from the table. Matt quickly stood up and followed me. Twilight sighed and followed us too, still not knowing exactly who Paul was.
I sat at the stool next to Paul and ordered a vodka cooler. He didn’t notice me as he was lost in conversation with the grey mare he was talking to who apparently didn’t notice me either. She had ordered a bottle of water while Paul was drinking what seemed to be an Irish cream, I’d order one but I don’t know what it would be called here seeing as it definitely wouldn’t be ‘Irish’. I took my drink in one hand and I put my other hand on his shoulder.
Quick! Witty anonymous person banter go!
“Aight fadda, len’ me tree fiddy dey so…” I said in my best Bajan accent. Paul stopped mid-sentence.
“Leave him alone, you drunk-” The British-accented grey mare started but then stopped when she saw I was a human. Paul turned to face me.
“JIMMY!!!” He shouted when he realised it was me and gave me a hug “What are you doing here!?!?” I then noticed he had a slightly more British accent now than when I had last seen him.
“BROSKI!!” Matt shouted as he hugged Paul “I have not seen you since old world!! How goes things?”
“I’m doing great!! How’d you guys find me?” He asked.
“We found you by fluke, I saw this sign outside that said ‘Paulie Starr and Friends’, and I got to thinking that cuz we call you Ringo, and maybe you used the ‘Starr’ bit as your stage name. I couldn’t be sure, so we decided to check it out and sure enough we found you!!” I replied hugging him again, Matt joined in the hug as well.
The three brothers were at long last united again.
The grey mare and Twilight cleared their throats simultaneously.
“I don’t believe you’ve introduced me to your friends, Paul.” Said the grey mare.
“And you boys still haven’t told me who this guy is either.” Said Twilight.
“Oh, right of course.” I started “Twilight, this is our very good friend Paul, he was our drummer back before he left to go to university.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Paul.” She said holding out her hoof.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Twilight.” He replied shaking her hoof. He was bursting with excitement upon meeting Twilight, I could tell. She was one of the mane six after all. “Jimmy, Matt, this is my friend Octavia, she found me when I first arrived in Equestria and she’s been letting me stay with her since I got here.”
“Nice to meet you, Octavia.” Matt and I said slightly out of sync, with Matt shaking her hoof first and I second.
“Very nice to meet you,” She replied “How did you two end up here?” She asked me and Matt.
“We don’t really know; we literally just woke up here one morning. I woke up on a hill outside Ponyville and Matt woke up in the Everfree forest.” I replied “Paul, how did you get here?”
“I woke up and I was in the Castle Garden, some guards found me and were about to throw me out when Octavia saw me and stopped them.” He replied. “Wait, you guys got here in the morning?”
“Well, yeah, morning or early afternoon, why?” I asked.
“I woke up and it was nearly 2 am. That was last Saturday.” He replied.
“Must’ve been the time difference between us I guess… Or something…” Matt guessed.
“I like to call it the guards splashing a bucket of water on your head and dragging you out of the castle by your legs. In the air. With magic.” Paul replied.
“Oh…” Matt said trying to hold back his laughter, whereas I wasn’t able to contain my own.
Matt and I told him the stories of our past week and how we had become friends with Twilight, Rainbow Dash and the others and how we had been summoned here because the princesses wanted to meet us and such. He told us about his week with Octavia and how he had been performed at a couple other clubs with her this week. He’d made quite a name for himself here in Canterlot already. He was easily the best drummer in Canterlot. After a couple hours of catching up and getting to know Octavia and such, we were all getting a bit tired.
“Listen man, I think Octavia and I are gonna head home for the night.” Paul said.
NO. HE’S NOT LEAVING. TELL THIS MAN ABOUT OUR HOUSE.
“Oh, about that, I gotta ask you something.” I said putting down the third vodka I had finished that night “Listen, Matt and I just bought a place down in Ponyville. It’s like, a four bedroom house. What we were gonna do tomorrow was go furniture shopping and stuff and then at night we’ve got a private show with the princesses. Now, would you and Octavia be interested in coming back to Ponyville with us once we’re finished here?”
“Well… I don’t know, I would love to come back with you guys, but it’s really just up to Octavia.” Paul replied. He turned to Octavia “What do you think?”
“I’m not sure…” She replied “I have hardly been performing recently, you’ve been the only reason I have been able to perform. When I found you, I had just quit because I was sick of my snobby conductor and his foalishness. I’m still not sure.”
“Are you serious?” Paul and Octavia asked in unison.
“Yeah!” Matt confirmed.
“We were gonna buy a bunch of music equipment so we could record and stuff while we were here as well.” I continued “So Octavia, what do you think?” Matt, Paul and I looked at Octavia intently.
“You got me.” She said smiling “But, what about Vinyl?” She asked.
“Oh, geez… Right…” Paul said putting his hand to his head.
“Vinyl? Who’s that?” I asked, Matt kept quiet, but it was obvious he was holding back some kind of fanboy-ish scream or something along those lines.
“She’s a DJ who is our other room-mate and… My mare-friend…” She said blushing a bit. Matt let out a small yelp at this, at this rate, if he heard a ‘squee’ from one of the ponies here; he would have fan-gasmed so hard we would’ve gone back to our time. “You won’t hold it against me, will you?”
“Why would we hold it against you?” Twilight asked “There’s nothing wrong with loving someone, regardless of gender!”
lol Twilight’s a total lesbo.
Nigga her statement ain’t mean shit, you’ve got the same view on it.
Ehh, true. Still though.
lol yeah, she’s totally hot for Rainbow Dash.
“She’s right, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” I added.
“I know but… Some ponies are against it, I wasn’t sure if you were as well or…” She continued.
“Don’t worry about it, Octavia.” I said taking her hoof smiling, she returned the smile and we carried on our conversations.
After a couple more drinks, we all parted ways. We had scheduled to meet up at a local music store to buy instruments the next morning. And so we did.
Matt and I arrived at the store Octavia had said to meet them at called ‘C&D Music Supplies’. It was ten o’clock and we were ready to spend some money.
We entered the store. To our immediate left was the store’s selection of lighting and general stage equipment. North-West of us was the help desk which was combined with the cash desk for this section of the store. Straight ahead of us was a section that led to a room containing many tables with many books and booklets containing sheet music arranged for almost every instrument imaginable. A door on the far right of the room led to a room full of pianos and keyboards. To the left in the “Sheet Music Room”, there was a sign pointing to upstairs that said ‘Brass and Strings’ on it. There was also a staircase going down that had a sign that said ‘Drums’.
“Let’s check the brass and strings first, they’re probably there.” I said as I started going up the stairs. Matt followed. The stairs led to a landing and a double door that led to the Brass and Strings section. The room was quite large and had many display tables. As the sign had implied, the room was filled with many types of brass and string instruments all of which would be used in an orchestra. No guitars or basses in this room, but to our left was a door which was labelled ‘Guitars’, so I was still in luck.
We saw Paul and a white unicorn with a blue striped mane wearing a hoodie and glasses with bright purple lenses watching Octavia playing a cello in a ‘closed-off’ room which was really just two short glass walls that stuck out from the main walls of the room that partially surrounded the area which there were a few cellos and contrabasses. I couldn’t make out what song Octavia was playing. All I know is that it looked very difficult to play. She was deep in concentration when we walked in. We didn’t say anything so that we would not disturb her. We watched her for a solid three minutes when the solo died down into a slow ending on what I believed was a low D. The four of us applauded her performance heartily.
“That was amazing, Octavia!” I said clapping.
“Why, thank you Jimmy.” She replied smiling.
“Ah, so you’re Jimmy.” The white unicorn said taking off her glasses. “I’m Vinyl Scratch.” She said holding out her hoof.
“Pleasure to meet you.” I replied shaking her hoof.
“So I guess that would make you Matt then?” She said as she walked towards Matt and held out her hoof again.
“DUDE SHE KNOWS MY NAME!!!! SHE’S GOTTA BE PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING!!!” Matt yelled before shaking Vinyl’s hoof, she let out a chuckle at Matt’s comment. I simply face-palmed.
“So, I hear that Paul and Octavia want to move to Ponyville with you two.” She stated.
“Yeah, we discussed that last night. We’ve got room for you guys, so it’s really no trouble. It’s all up to you.” I replied.
“Well, I wouldn’t exactly turn down a room and board, especially since my special filly is gonna be there too,” She said slapping Octavia lightly on the flank which made Octavia jump a little bit and she let out a small squeal as she blushed “as well as my talented widdle drummer boy!” She said as she put Paul in a headlock and gave him a nuggie. Paul did not put up any resistance to the unicorn and simply took it like a man, although he was probably holding back tears.
“Alright cool, so we got all three of you coming back with us, excellent!” I said putting my hands together.
“We’ll try not to keep you up with the sex, don’t worry.” Vinyl said smiling deviously slapping Octavia on the flank again.
“Vinyl!” Octavia said scolding her.
I like her. She’s cool. She would be an awesome girlfriend.
I’ll bet she would be, too bad you’ll never know.
“Oh come on honey, even Paul knows you’re not quiet at all in bed. Especially when I--”
“VINYL!” Octavia shouted.
I like Vinyl even more now.
Paul backed away hoping that distance would keep him from being pulled into the argument. I wasn’t able to hold back my laughter and neither was Matt. Octavia’s face became the brightest shade of red I had ever seen somepony’s face. It was out of embarrassment rather than anger however.
“Don’t worry girls, it’ll be fine.” I said trying to ease the tension and hopefully to make them move on to another topic that wouldn’t result in some kind of brawl.
“Oh? You like hearing two mares going at it I see…” Vinyl stated with her devious smile growing ever larger.
NIGGA SHE KNOWS WHAT WE THINKING.
This is a problem.
That makes me even more moist than I was before…
Yeah, me t- Wait, what?
“Girls, yes, mares, well, you’re female, but I can’t say I’m turned on by the thought of two ponies doing it.” I replied.
“Oh really?” Matt interrupted “What about that time at Rar-”
“What’s rule number one and two?” I asked Matt interrupting him.
“Rules?”
“Rule one. We do not talk about the incident.”
“What’s the other one?”
“Rule two. We do NOT TALK ABOUT THE INCIDENT.”
“I want to hear more about this incident.” Said Paul.
“Paul, you’re like anonymus in this situation. No one cares about your opinion.” I replied.
“Okay…” Paul said looking down at the floor and hunching over slightly to try and imitate the meme. Matt pulled Paul away for a minute for them to go look at other instruments in the room.
Hmm… That cello’s pretty nice. Too bad we don’t play cello.
No, but Octavia does.
TIME TO SPEND MONEY!
“Octavia, did you want to buy that cello?” I asked. Octavia looked a bit taken back by the question.
“Well, it is a nice cello, but I do not require a new one.” She replied shrugging a bit. I could tell she did want the cello, I remember the one she had played the night before looked like it had a few years of use on it.
“That doesn’t really answer my question though, do you want the cello?” I asked again.
“Well… Yes, I would like to have it. My cello is fine however. I really do not need a new one.” She replied.
“Oh, come on Octavia!” Vinyl interjected “You’ve had your cello since you were what? Fifteen? It’s been a good eight years or so, I think you can get a new one now.”
“No, it is really quite alright. I’m… Perfectly… Happy with my cello at home, thank you.” Octavia replied.
From what I could guess, she thought that I wanted her to buy it with her money.
Well, better make that clear before she gets upset over something that isn’t an issue.
“I’ll buy it for you.” I said. Octavia didn’t believe what she heard.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” She asked.
“I’m buying it for you.” I repeated. “Octavia, I saw your cello the other night, it looked pretty banged up. You could use a new one.”
“You can’t buy that for me, I mean…”
“Well, why not?” I asked. She couldn’t come up with a response. “Look, Octavia. It’s okay. You obviously really like it, and it’s a really nice cello. I’ve got the cash for it. The only reason I’m here is to buy music equipment for our studio back home.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up there.” Vinyl interrupted “A studio? Back… Home?”
“That’s right.” I replied “We’ve got a completely sound-proofed recording studio in our basement. I was going to buy instruments so that Matt, me, Paul and some other talented musicians could start a band or something like that. We’d have our own place to record and our own equipment. Hell, it would be nice to just have the equipment, y’know?” Vinyl stood there with her mouth agape.
“H-h-how soon are you guys going back?” Vinyl asked still shocked.
“In two days.” I replied.
“WOO!!” She shouted as she started jumping around in excitement. “This is gonna be so awesome!!”
“Yes, but before we can use the studio, we need audio equipment. Now, I don’t know what the best brands of equipment are. But something tells me you’ve got an idea of what the best stuff is.”
“Oh yeah! I can help you pick out amps and equipment and stuff! Let’s go! Come on! Let’s do it now!” She said still jumping for joy.
Hey bro, I think she’s excited.
NO. YOU DON’T SAY.
I do say! I’d even go as far as to say she’s ecstatic! Maybe even… Fuck, I can’t think of any other words that mean excited…
After we bought Octavia’s new cello, our group headed downstairs so that Vinyl could pick out good sound boards and amplifiers for us. Paul went downstairs to the drum room to pick out drums and cymbals so he could create his own drum kit.
After all that was done, we went back upstairs to pick out guitars. I bought an acoustic as well as a hollow-bodied electric guitar both made by a company called Hoofson. Happy with the instruments we bought, we continued the day by shopping for furniture for our bedrooms and the rest of the house as well as other household paraphernalia.
As we finished up at the last store for the day, Octavia and Vinyl headed home to start packing up their apartment. Paul came with us because we felt it would be a good idea for the princesses to be aware of the fact that Matt and I were not the only humans in this world.
“Are you sure I don’t need to be wearing anything different?” Paul asked worriedly.
“Yeah man, you’re fine, don’t worry about it.” Matt replied.
“You’ll just be meeting the princesses during dinner, don’t worr-” I stopped. I had forgotten something.
Oh shit nigger…
“What is it?” Matt asked.
“WE’RE SUPPOSED TO PERFORM FOR THE PRINCESSES TONIGHT!!!” I yelled.
AND PROM’S TOMORROW!!
“OH GOD WHAT DO WE DO WE HAVEN’T PREPARED ANY SONGS I DIDN’T TELL PAUL LIKE I SHOULD HAVE EARLIER ON OH GOD OH GO-” Matt put his hand over my mouth.
“Calm your tits.” He told me “We’ll be fine. We’ll just have a little practice run before we perform, okay? Besides, our set isn’t that big, we’re only doing like five songs.”
“BUT IT’S IN FRONT OF ROYALTY!!!” I yelled.
“Does it matter?” Matt asked “An audience is an audience. Everyone in an audience is a critic. Everyone-”
“Everypony .” Paul corrected.
“Okay, everypony , has their own opinion on everything and each one no more important than the next.” Matt continued “So don’t worry about it, we’ll be fine.”
“You have a point. Alright, sorry for freaking out guys.” I said.
“It’s no problem.” Paul replied “However, there is one problem still.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“I don’t know the set.” He replied.
We told him our set-list and by sheer luck, Paul knew each song we were doing. He had decided to learn the ones we had never gotten around to performing on our own just in case we wanted to do them at some point in the future if we ever got back together. Our set consisted of six songs:
Whatsername and Basket Case by Green Day
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin
Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones
Fire by Jimi Hendrix
Use Somebody by Kings of Leon
We had previously done most of these songs, but Fire and Basket Case were the new ones Paul had learnt. I was still worried though, we had not played with Paul since he was last back home which was in September. I know very well that playing together for the first time in months does not go over well in the first run. There has to be some practice. Hopefully this will all go over well…
With A Little Help From My Friends
The furniture and music supplies we had bought throughout the day were transported to the castle by some of the Royal Guards who had been dispatched to help us. It was a little bit odd that it was the Royal Guard, but no one complained. The majority of the items we bought were put in storage except for the music equipment.
When we got back to the castle, we were escorted to the castle theatre. The equipment we had bought earlier today was already being set up by some ponies on the stage. Something was telling me this performance was going to be for a few more ponies than just the Princesses and Twilight. We were told to do a sound check as our performance was going to be in two hours. It was 8 pm by that time. After our sound check was finished, one of the ponies who was in charge of the light show came up to me. He was a turquoise unicorn pony with stage lights as his cutie mark.
“Hey pal, you’re Jimmy, right?” He asked.
HIS VOICE SOUNDS LIKE MY HEAD VOICE FOR DETECTIVE GUMSHOE!!!
“Yeah, what’s going on?” I replied.
“Listen pal, whaddya want done with these here lights?”
HAHA! HE EVEN SAYS ‘PAL’ A LOT!
“Erm… Aren’t we just performing for the Princesses and Twilight?” I asked. The unicorn started laughing to the point where he was struggling to stand up.
“Pal…” He said, trying to hold back more laughter “How did you not see the signs outside? This isn’t a private performance pal; this show is for nearly four thousand ponies!” My eyes went wide with fear.
Oh God.
The only practice we had was just now as a sound check. In front of FOUR THOUSAND PONIES!?!?!? ROYALTY INCLUDED?!?!?
“Umm… Uhh…” I tried to think of what direction to give him. I could only think of basic directions being ‘turn on/off the lights’ much like the directions Billie Joe Armstrong gives during certain songs when performed live. “Well… What do you usually do?”
“Usually it’s just improv for shows like this. Unless you got some special stuff you wanna tell me about, then I’ll just do my thing.” He replied.
“Okay, well, I’ve only got two simple directions: Turn on or off all the lights. Other than that, improvise, do your thing.”
“Alright pal, you got it.” He said as he turned to walk away.
Oh shitshitshitshitshitSHIT…
I walked over to Paul and Matt who were standing by the drum kit talking.
“Hey Jimmy, what was that about?” Paul asked.
“He was just asking if we had any direction for the light show.” I replied with a higher pitched voice than I had intended.
“Light show? Aren’t we just playing for the Princesses and Twilight?” Matt asked.
“Umm…” I paused, this was gonna be a shock to them “They’re not the only ponies we’re playing to…”
“Who else?” Paul asked.
“Umm… Four thousand other ponies…” I replied. Matt and Paul’s jaws dropped.
“FOUR THOUSAND?!?!?!” They yelled.
“… Yeah…” I replied.
“When did you find that out?!” Matt yelled.
“Literally a minute ago when I was talking to the light guy.” I said. Suddenly, a pink blur knocked me onto my back.
“JIMMY!!!! OHMYGOSHTHISISAMAZINGYOUHAVEYOUROWNCONCERTFORLIKEABAZILLIONPONIESAREN’TYOUEXCITEDIWOULDBEEXCITEDTHISISSOEXCITING!!!!!!” Pinkie said hugging me tightly.
Jesus fucking Christ can I go two days without being knocked down by a pony?!
“Pinkie…” I said in a strained voice “You’re… Crushing… My… Lungs…” She jumped up and hugged Matt tightly without knocking him over.
“MATT!!!! HOWAREYOUIHAVEN’TSEENYOUINLIKETWODAYSHOWHAVEYOUBEENHOWMUCHSTUFFDIDYOUBUYDIDYOUBUYANYTHINGPINKIBETYOUBOUGHTLOADSANDLOADSOFPINKSTUFF” Pinkie looked to Paul who was still standing there with his jaw about to fall off.
“HEY!!! WHOAREYOUIHAVEN’TMETYOUBEFORETHEREFOREYOU’RENEW!!!” Pinkie gasped “IKNOWWHOYOUAREIKNOWIKNOWIKNOW!!!! YOU’RE PAUL!!!!” She then proceeded to tackle Paul sending him over the drum kit and onto the floor behind it with the pink pony holding him down “OHMYGOSHMATTANDJIMMYTOLDMESOMUCHABOUTYOUTHEYSAIDALLKINDSOFNICESTUFFABOUTYOUANDTHATYOU’REANAMAZINGDRUMMERANDALLKINDSOFREALLYCOOLSTUFFANDTHATYOU’RELIKETHEIRBIGBROTHERWHO’SLIKEANAWESOMEBROTHERNOTLIKEABIGMEANIEMEANIEPANTSBROTHERBUTLIKEAREALLYNICEANDAWESOMEBROTHER!!!!! Can we be friends?” Paul was overcome with joy. He was being hugged by Pinkie Pie. The only thing that would make him happier at this moment in time was if the rest of the mane six were to hug him now. He answered Pinkie with gibberish, but that was good enough for Pinkie Pie. “Yaaaaaay!!! Now I’m friends with everyone in your group Jimmy!!!”
“Well, almost everyone.” I replied.
“What do you mean?” She asked.
“Well, if the others who were in my group are here, you haven’t met them yet.” Pinkie gasped loudly.
“There were MORE people in your band?!!?”
“Yeah, we had a singer and a bass player as well.” I replied, remembering my old band and what had happened to us, I quickly perished the thought however, now was not the time for memories “Tell me, where’s the rest of the gang?”
“Right here!” I heard Rainbow Dash say. I turned to find the rest of the group standing right behind me. We all exchanged greetings and introduced Paul to the rest of the mane six. He wore a huge, almost creepy, fan-boy-ish smile the entire time.
After the greetings and meetings had finished, the gang left the stage to go to their booth. I was now trying to figure out how I was going to manage doing a full-blown concert with one guitar, one saxophone and one drummer. I needed another instrument. A keyboard or a bass or something. A white hoof wrapped itself around my neck and pulled me backwards.
OH GOD PLEASE DON’T PUT IT IN MY ASS.
“Guess who?” Spoke the voice. It was Vinyl’s voice.
OH GOD PLEASE DON’T PUT IT IN MY ASS.
“Hey Vinyl,” I said as she let me go. I turned to face her and Octavia.
“Vinyl, must you greet everyone like that?” Octavia asked her.
“Well, why not? It’s fun, ain’t it?” She said nudging me.
OH GOD PLE-
OUR ASSHOLE IS SAFE NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I looked to the grey mare and suddenly a light bulb in my mind turned on.
“OCTAVIA!” I semi-yelled “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU! NOW!” I said pulling her back stage.
“Hey! That’s my mare!” Vinyl shouted to us “I’m kidding, I don’t mind. Use protection!” She said laughing.
“Okay, why did you pull me back here exactly?” Octavia asked.
“Octavia, listen, I know this is really, horribly short notice but… Could you play with us tonight?” I asked her “Please? I really need a bass going on during our performance!! PleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseprettypleasepleasePLEEEEEEASE?!?!!?”
“Of course,” She replied smiling, I sighed “as long as you have sheet music.” I gulped.
Oh God, I can’t write up sheet music for all the songs we’re playing in the next couple hours!! What do I do?! If only I was Pinkie Pie who could pull this stuff out of thin air… Wait. Pinkie Pie. THAT’S IT!!!!
“Be right back! Stay, there, don’t move!” I said running off the stage and to Pinkie’s booth. After five flights of stairs and three wrong booths, I found Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie…” I said as I gasped for air “Pinkie… Sheet… Music… Songs… Tonight… Octavia… Bass… Please?” Everypony gave me a puzzled look.
“Ooh! Yeah! I have the sheet music for your songs!” Pinkie Pie then pulled a book with many pieces of paper sticking out of it seemingly out of thin air and handed to me.
“Th…” I still didn’t quite have my breath back yet “Th… Than…”
Screw it.
I hugged Pinkie in gratitude. I waved to everyone and turned to the door.
Now, to go back down the… Five flights of stairs… Oh boy…
“Uh, hold up there sugar cube.” Applejack started “We’re not sending you back down all those stairs again.”
“Whuh?” I said, still not fully capable of speech.
“Rainbow? Could you fly Jimmy down to the stage?” Applejack asked turning to Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah, sure, come on Jimmy!” Rainbow Dash jumped out of her seat and stood in front of me “Hop on!” I hesitated for a moment because I was worried my weight might be too much for her.
“You… You sure?” I asked.
“Yeah, I can carry you, come on!” I jumped on her back and she flew down to the stage in what couldn’t even have been two seconds. I jumped off and thanked her. She saluted and flew back up to her booth.
“Is that the sheet music?” Asked Octavia who walked out from back stage.
“Yeah… Yeah, this is it.” I replied.
“Are you alright?” She asked “You look very… Tired, to say the least.”
“I’ll be… I’ll be fine.” I said “I just need… Water… Now…” I said stumbling off back stage to my dressing room to get ready for tonight.
“Wait, Jimmy!” She shouted, I turned around “Which songs am I doing?”
“All the songs under section one!” I shouted back as I continued on my way to the dressing room.
“Oh dear… These are far different than anything I’ve played before…” She said. She ran after me and was able to find me. I just about to close and lock the door to my dressing room when I saw her. “Jimmy, I’ve never heard any of these songs before, is there some way you could show me them so I know what I’m doing?”
Oh bugger it, let her in.
“Yeah… Yeah, come in, I’ll show you.” I said opening the door more for her to enter.
The dressing room walls were a solid light blue colour with the carpet a darker shade of blue. There was a large mirror opposite the door that was surrounded by light bulbs. Two more mirrors were on the walls to the left and right of the door of the door respectively that reached from the ceiling to the floor. In the center of the room were two couches facing each other with a glass table between them. On the table sat a pitcher of water, my laptop and a bowl of fruit. I booted up the laptop and went into a playlist I had on iTunes that contained the songs we would be playing tonight.
“Sit down.” I told her, she sat on the couch opposite the one I was on. “Now, the order that the songs are in the book is the order they are in the playlist. Just try and follow the notes you see on the paper with what you hear so you have an idea of what you’re doing, okay?”
“I can do that.” She replied. I pressed play and turned the laptop to face her. I poured two glasses of water and set one on the table for her. I then decided it was time to get dressed for the show as it was hardly an hour and a half away. I also needed to get my vocals sharp. The run I took up the stairs to the girl’s booth did a number on me, so I had to go shower before anything could be done. I warmed up my vocals in the shower so I wouldn’t disturb Octavia who was concentrating on the sheets of paper intensely. When I had come out of the shower, I opened the bathroom door to find Octavia standing right in front of it. I jumped and let out a little yelp.
AGH! GREY PONY!
“I’m sorry about that, Jimmy. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” She said. I noticed the music was not playing.
“Well, there’s a bit of a problem…” She replied.
“What happened? The sheet music is inaccurate?” I asked.
“No, no the sheet music is fine so far, it’s just… Well, I don’t have my cello here and… It would be difficult for me to play without it, as you can see.”
“Oh God… Dammit, what do we do?” I said burying my face in my hands “Wait! I bought another cello! Yes! You can use that!” I sprang up from the couch and opened the door to the dressing room. I yelled for a guard and asked him to bring the cello from out of storage. “See? No problem.” I said sitting back down.
Jesus Christ you are a nervous wreck.
“Why did you buy a cello?” She asked.
“Well, I kinda wanted to learn how to play it you see. I was hoping you could teach me how.” I replied smiling. There was a knock on the door. The guard had the cello which was in a large black case. I thanked him and rested it on the couch. Octavia took it out and started tuning it and playing along to the songs as she listened to them.
After a little while, I noticed I was still in my towel. I decided it was time to get dressed. I took off the towel and hung it on the chair in front of the make-up mirror. I went over to my suitcase and rummaged through it looking for some underwear. Octavia looked up and hit a very bad note on the cello and stopped as the song continued playing. I turned to face her.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“Oh, err, umm… Nothing…” She replied, trying to look away, blushing bright red. I looked down and noticed that I was indeed naked and thought that might be the cause of all this.
Yeah baby, you like what you seein’?
I am not saying that.
Aw, why not?
“Yeah, sorry, should’ve kept on the towel. Ha ha… Sorry.” I said “I guess I kinda figured since it wasn’t normal to wear clothes around here you wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, my bad.”
“It’s alright…” She replied. Obviously, that was not the case.
I finally found a pair of underwear and put them on along with a vest and socks. I took out the outfit I was going to wear tonight which consisted of a green short-sleeved dress shirt that I would wear as a jacket and regular blue jeans. Surely I have a better outfit, I'm performing, I’m going to need something more than that. I noticed I hadn't packed any of the clothes I would have liked to perform in. I sighed. It looks like I'll have to use what I got. There was a knock on the door. I opened the door to find Rarity standing there.
“Hello Rarity, what brings you down here?” I asked.
“I have shirt for you~!” She said in a cheerful voice. She levitated a folded outfit off of her back and unfolded it in front of me. The outfit was a long sleeved black dress shirt with a pocket on the chest that was adorned with a star that was made out of a topaz. The back of the shirt had a much larger star on it made with many topaz gems as well as five lines of gems that came off the tips of the stars two lines of which were emeralds, two lines were rubies and one line was sapphires. “Do you like it?” She asked.
Nigger this shirt is bedazzled with gemstones and I love it. I want to have sex with this shirt. Right here. Right now.
“I love it! Thanks Rarity, this shirt is awesome! I’m gonna wear this for our performance for sure! Thank you so much!” I said hugging the white unicorn. “I know I said I don’t like clothes that are… Bedazzled, but, I’ll make the exception just this once, because this is awesome, thank you!”
“No problem my dear!” Rarity said as she gave me a quick kiss on the cheek “Good luck out there!” She said as she left the dressing room. I quickly put on the shirt and looked at myself in the mirror wearing it.
I look sexy. I would totally do me right now.
I finished dressing in my black jeans and my regular sneakers with the neon green laces. I was ready. Octavia finished going through the set one last time making sure she knew everything she needed.
“Now, Octavia.” I said as we were leaving the room “I’m gonna need you to watch me for some changes. For example, in Paint It Black, keep playing the intro until you hear me start singing the verse, okay?”
“I can do that.” She replied “Anything else?”
“Well, that was just an example of what I want you to do. But watch me, just in case, okay?”
“Sure.” She said smiling. We found Matt and Paul at the door leading to back stage.
“You guys ready?” I asked, jumping up and down, getting pumped.
“Ready?” Matt started “Ready… Doesn’t… Even… Fucking… DESCRIBE IT!!!!”
“Alright!! That’s what I like to hear!” I said high-fiving Matt. “Ringo, you ready to go?”
“Oh yeah, I’m ready!” He replied smiling, spinning both his sticks in his hands.
“Octavia, you ready?” I asked.
“I’m ready.” She said.
I opened the door to hear the MC warming up the crowd for us. The crowd was insanely loud. We were surprised we didn’t hear them from back-stage. I was convinced that this was indeed the most ruckus crowd this theatre had ever seen. We walked out on stage and got ready to go. The drums had several microphones adorning the each drum and several were set a few inches away from each cymbal. A small clip-on microphone was being used for Matt’s saxophone. A microphone was set in front of Octavia’s cello. My amplifier was hooked up and was ready to go. One sole microphone was present on stage for vocals. This microphone stood just behind my pedals and just in front of the stage monitor that had a piece of paper stuck to it with the set-list written on it. The MC was wrapping up his intro.
“Are you ready Canterlot?” The MC asked the audience. The crowd cheered loudly “I still can’t hear you, I said, ARE YOU READY CANTERLOT?!!?!” The MC repeated, the crowd cheered even louder “Give it up for CrossRoads!!!” He said as the curtains were moved away to reveal us on the stage. The crowd went completely insane, somehow I was able to hear Pinkie Pie over the rest of the crowd, even though she was still in her booth and not right at the front where I would be more likely to hear her.
“HELLO CANTERLOT!!!!” I yelled into the mic, the crowd responded with even louder cheering, I wasn’t even aware that was possible. I decided not to ask the question if they were ready, as it seemed, ready, really, did not even fucking describe it. I started playing the riff to Paint It Black. The drums followed once I finished my small intro. The cello came in two bars after the drums. Then the guitar burst in after four bars of just the rhythm section. Finally the vocals cued everyone to start the verse after two bars of almost all instruments playing. The saxophone accompanied the vocals playing the legendary riff.
The set was considerably larger now. It now contained three of my original songs along with these other songs.
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin
Use Somebody by Kings of Leon
Fire and Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix
Twist and Shout by the Beatles
Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes
The Green Day songs were spread as evenly as possible throughout the set-list. Stairway to Heaven was the finisher as it should always be. The crowd enjoyed every song fully. They even asked for an encore set which contained:
Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry
Kryptonite by Three Doors Down
Wake Me Up When September Ends and Minority by Green Day
After Minority finished, I decided to go out and do a few songs by myself which were simply The Scientist by Coldplay as well as Last Night On Earth and Good Riddance by Green Day. The crowd went wild as the last song finished. Pyrotechnics were set off along with many lights and other stage effects when I finished Good Riddance. The four of us took a bow and left the stage, with the crowd still screaming for us.
The concert went on for an hour more than it should have. I did not mind, and neither did anypony else. They certainly got their money’s worth out of the concert, so no one complained. There was an after party, but I was far too tired to go to it and instead decided to head to bed. But not after talking to Pinkie Pie and Twilight and the others first. They were going back to Ponyville the same day I was. I guess that means tomorrow will be spent with them.
I entered my room and took off my shirt which was quite sweaty from all my jumping around on stage and such. I walked out onto my balcony to look at the stars before I went to bed. The after-party could be seen in the courtyard below, some music could still be heard faintly from my room. I looked up to the moon and stars. The moon was a bright crescent and the skies were adorned with many stars, many more than I had ever seen on a single night.
Tonight was fucking glorious.
Indeed it was.
And a fitting night sky to suit, eh?
“This is a really beautiful night.” I said out loud, smiling at the sky.
“Do you really mean that?” A voice asked. I looked around to see who it was. I dismissed it as my imagination and looked back out at the moon. I saw Luna hovering in front of me. She landed on the balcony next to me and looked out at the night sky with me.
“Yes, I did mean it.” I replied “I’ve never seen a night like this before. I’ve never seen so many stars like this, the only time I have was… Well, every night I’ve looked up at the stars since I’ve been here. I bet you make far more amazing night skies than your sister could.”
“Oh, you’re just saying these things…” She replied.
“No, I mean it. This sky; is really incredible. There’s a reason you have the moon and stars as your cutie mark, y’know?” I told her, I can guess that she blushed when I said that to her.
“Your performance tonight was spectacular.” She said “I really did enjoy it.”
“Why thank you, Princess.” I replied.
“Please, just call me Luna.” She said.
Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess!
“As you wish; Luna. Tell me, what was your favourite song?”
“Well, I’m not really sure. I did like that one you did before your last song. It was the love song.”
“Ah, Last Night On Earth. Yeah, that’s a great song. Oddly enough, I was thinking of you when I was singing it.”
lol nigger no you weren’t.
“Really?”
Nope.
“Yeah, I’m not really sure why, you kinda just popped into my head the whole time I was playing it.” I said as I smiled at her.
“Jimmy… You wouldn’t mind playing me that song, right now, would you?” She asked. She gave me a look, it was a look I really couldn’t say ‘no’ to. She was too happy right now for me to say no to her. Also, she looked quite adorable when she asks for things.
“Of course, Luna.” I said as I walked inside and picked up my acoustic guitar and brought another chair outside. We sat down and I played the song again. She applauded happily at the end of it. We spoke for another hour or so, just about anything that came to mind. I played some video game music that I had arranged for guitar like Zelda’s Lullaby and the Fairy Fountain theme while we spoke just to pass time. I enjoyed talking to Luna, I really did, but I was dozing off, I had to go bed.
I’M TOO TIRED FOR THIS SHIT. GO TO FUCKING SLEEP.
“Luna…” I started.
“Yes Jimmy?” She replied.
“I’m sorry, but, I’m really, really tired, I’m going to have to go to bed now, I’m really sorry. Can we talk again tomorrow?”
FUCK SHE’S ONTO US!
That seems to happening a lot. Ponies knowing what we’re thinking.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
“Oh shoot, I’m sorry.” I chuckled “Good night, Luna.”
“Hold on, Jimmy.” She said. I turned to face her again “You don’t… Think I’m evil… Do you?”
YES YOU’RE EVIL AS HELL YOU EVIL EVIL EVILY EVIL PONY EVIL I don’t even know…
“Why would I think that?” I replied.
“Because of what happened a thousand years ago when I was imprisoned in the moon.”
Oh yeah that lol, yeah, that shit was funny.
“No, I don’t think you’re evil because of that.” I replied “I actually understand why you did what you did. You were fed up with no one appreciating what you could do. I understand exactly what you felt.”
“But… Still… Ponies still think I’m evil and they still fear me…”
“Luna… Remember what you told me about Nightmare Night?”
“Yes…”
“When you showed everypony that you are a pony just like them and there’s nothing to be afraid of anymore, they’ll start warming up to you more. If you just… Stay out of the spotlight, if you get what I mean. You’ll never be able to change anything. You have to make the change happen. Even though some ponies can’t be changed, don’t mind them. Just care about the ones who do like you. Don’t bother with those who hate you, if you care about them, they win. You understand?”
“Yes… I understand.” She smiled “Thank you, Jimmy.” She came closer to me, very close. A bit too close.
Then she kissed me. I kissed her back, I didn’t know what to do, it was wrong in my mind, but I couldn’t push her away, that wasn’t right either. She smiled at me.
“Good night.” She said as she teleported away.
Dude… What…
I stood there for a moment.
Oh God. This won’t end well.
No it will not.
I lay down in my bed.
I don’t know what to do. I broke the rule I had made for myself.
Yes you did. Yes, you did, Brett.
I couldn’t have helped it though. What was I to do? Push her away and say ‘sorry bitch, I don’t swing that way’?
You tried to fuck her. And Luna don’t like being fucked by nopony except Missus Wallace.
But nothing can come of it, right?
You read the bible, Brett?
I mean, she’s a princess. I’m no royalty of any kind. She couldn’t possibly have a relationship with me. It would never work. I couldn’t allow it.
Well there’s this passage I got memorised, sorta fits this occasion…
I hope she can’t read my mind. Oh dear God. What do I do now...?
Ezekiel 25:17; the path of the righteous man is bes-
That’s enough from you.
I buried my face in my pillow and fell asleep.
I really hope nothing comes of that kiss…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 13 - Take It Out On Me
I awoke the next morning to find myself in a rather large and very comfortable bed.
Oh right, I’m in Canterlot. I’m staying at the castle for the next couple of days.
That you are, dumb fuck.
I kept expecting myself to wake up back in my time rather than here. Even though I’ve been waking up in Equestria for the past week and a half, I’m quite sure I’ll never get used to that.
After my usual morning rituals, I went downstairs to the banquet hall to have breakfast. The ceiling of this hall was entirely made of glass and gave the hall the effect that it was glowing. The table was incredibly long and could probably seat a hundred people, or, ponies, on each side. The entire hall reminded me of the main hall in the Harry Potter books, minus the colourful ponies and glass murals of the princesses. At the other end of the hall was a large buffet which every kind of imaginable breakfast food that stayed with the lines of being vegetarian. At the table sat Matt, Paul, Twilight, Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Pinkie Pie was still at the buffet table picking out what to eat.
“Good morning everypony!” I said cheerfully. I was greeted back with:
“Mornin’.” From Applejack
“Good morning!” From the rest of the ponies at the table.
“Gmph mrmphing!” From Matt and Paul who were busy shovelling food into their faces. Paul was polite enough to at least put a hand over his mouth as he chewed whereas Matt only shoved a fork into his mouth as he spoke and chewed.
“Morning Pinkie!” I said as I picked up a plate at the buffet table.
“Good morning Jimmy!” She replied as she bounced over to me “Did you get a good sleep last night?”
YEAH I EVEN GOT A KISS GOOD NIGHT.
“Yeah, I did thanks. What about you?”
“I didn’t sleep!” She said bouncing around in front of me “I stayed up through the whole after-party, I was the only pony who wanted to keep partying other than DJ-PON3. But even she had to give up; she had quite a lot to drink.”
“Wait, you mean Vinyl?” I asked.
“Yeah! Vinyl! She’s a really good DJ!”
“Is she still here?”
“Well, I’m not sure. The last time I saw her she was passed out with that other pony who played with you on stage. They were somewhere out in the courtyard, I don’t know if they’re awake yet.” She replied as she picked up a couple of muffins and bounced happily to the table.
Sounds about right.
I took my breakfast from the buffet which consisted of pancakes and two blueberry muffins and sat down next to Matt on my right and Twilight directly across from me. The door to the banquet hall suddenly flung open and revealed a white unicorn who was holding on to a grey earth pony for balance.
“WOOOOOO!” Shouted Vinyl as she stumbled in with Octavia “Best… After… Party… EVER!!! WOOOO-HOOOOO!!!”
“Vinyl, please calm down…” Octavia replied “You’re hardly standing with my help, you’ll be on the floor if you don’t stop jerking around like that.”
“Oh, okay then, your worship. What’re you gonna do about it?” Vinyl replied jerking around more than before, almost sending Octavia and herself into a nearby pillar as Vinyl laughed maniacally.
Oh hey look! A Star Wars reference! Call her out on that shit!
I can’t.
Well why not?
They don’t have Star Wars here.
Oh… Right… Ugh, that depressing moment when you realise they don’t have Star Wars… It sucks.
Yeah…
“Just sit here, I’ll get you some breakfast.” Octavia said sitting Vinyl down next to me “Jimmy, could you just… Babysit, Vinyl for a moment please?”
Sounds about right. It is Vinyl after all.
“Sure thing, Octavia. Good morning.” I replied.
“Oh yes, good morning everyone.” She said, seeming a bit embarrassed that she had forgotten to say that before anything else. Everyone greeted her back as she made her way to the buffet table.
Vinyl looked around the table removing her shades that only covered one of her eyes because of the way she was wearing them and rested them on the table. She noticed that she was sitting next to me.
“DUDE!!!” She yelled, making me jump slightly as she wrapped a foreleg around my shoulder “Your performance… I swear to Celestia, if I wasn’t only into mares, I would TOTALLY have been all over you afterwards.”
Cool story bro.
“Umm…” I replied, not entirely sure how to go about it “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
“What’s that?” She asked “Oh right!!! Paul, Matt, yeah, I totally would hook up with you guys too… I mean… Yeah…”
“I think he meant that you already have a mare-friend.” Octavia said putting down a plate with some eggs and muffins in front of Vinyl along with a glass of water.
“Oh yeah… That… That too… Heh heh…” She replied taking a swig of her water. Octavia went back around the table and sat next to Twilight.
“Oh, Jimmy?” Twilight started. I paused for a moment before answering so I could swallow my mouthful of pancakes.
“Yes Twilight?” I replied.
“Princess Luna wanted to meet with you tonight.” She stated. I stopped.
Oh no.
Oh no.
My eyes went wide and glued themselves to my plate of food.
“She said to tell you to go to her room at 6:30 tonight, sharp.”
“Ohhhhhhhh… Umm… Okay… Heh… I mean, uhh…” I stammered.
“Dude, what’s the matter? You alright?” Matt asked.
“Uhh… Yeah… Maybe… I don’t know… Possibly… Nope… Not okay…” I replied.
“What’s wrong?” Twilight asked. The whole table was now fixated on me, other than Vinyl who seemed to be having a meaningful conversation with a forkful of eggs. But soon turned to face me when she realised everyone else had stopped talking.
“Umm… Well…” I really didn’t want to talk about it. I really didn’t. Oh God. What the hell do I do now? I can’t even think of a lie right now to get me out of this situation.
“GET ON WITH IT MAN!!” Matt yelled. Paul and several other ponies also started saying “GET ON WITH IT” completely out of sync with each other. Vinyl ended it with an almost inaudible phrase of gibberish which was possibly German.
Did she just say ‘jüdische schweine’?
Yes. She just said 'Jewish pigs' in German. I’m certain of it.
Huh, so Vinyl’s a Nazi when she’s hung over. The more you know, I guess.
“Okay. Okay. Okay.” I started. I took a breath “Last night, when I went up to my room…” I then proceeded to tell everypony the events that had taken place last night on the balcony of my room in a very theatrical manner using my hands quite often for body language. “… Next thing I know, she’s right in my face and she kisses me. The end.” Everypony stared at me. Pinkie started giggling, suddenly every pony at the table except for Octavia and Twilight burst out in laughter. Vinyl was laughing so hard she managed to find herself on the floor after falling out of her chair, but continued laughing anyway. To my surprise, even Fluttershy was laughing a bit, but when she saw the look on my face she stopped. Matt and Paul stayed silent, simply waiting for something to stop them.
“Jimmy…” Rainbow started, still trying to hold back laughter “Where’s the problem?”
“Yeah Jimmy! You got to make-out with a princess! It’s like, you’re a valiant knight in shining armour that saved her using your awesome music and the kiss was your reward!” Pinkie added.
“That’s a… Very… ‘Interesting’, point of view you have there, Pinkie.” Twilight said.
“Honestly darling, what is the issue? I just don’t see what the problem is.” Rarity asked.
“Rarity and Rainbow got a point, Jimmy. I think you’re makin’ somethin’ into a problem that really ain’t a problem ‘t all.”
“Dude…” Vinyl said attempting to climb back into her chair “I’m so jealous of you right now. Do you know how hot Luna is? Ohhhhhh… I’d take her under the stars any night!”
I’ll bet you would.
“You guys don’t understand.” I started “Let me put it to you this way.” I turned to Twilight “Forgive this metaphor.” I turned back to the others “It’s like as if Twilight wanted to get with Spike. Do y’all think that sounds good?” Twilight blushed a bit. Disagreement was blatant across the table. Rarity said nothing and blushed harder than Twilight did. “You understand what I mean now? I’m a human, I like female humans. I don’t go for ponies.”
“We would still accept Twi if that was her decision though.” Applejack replied. The table agreed to this.
Oh Goddamnit Applejack.
“No, Applejack, you’re not seeing the point. I’m of a different species and I-- Oh dammit, I’ll just put it this way: I. DO. NOT. HAVE. SEX. WITH. PONIES.” I finally said. The table went silent. “I cannot and will not do it. I cannot have a relationship with Luna or anypony else. It will not work. It just won’t. I find it incredibly wrong. If there aren’t any humans who are female in this world, then the only girl for me is my right hand, you get me?”
“Umm… What?” Rainbow asked. Everyone looked quite puzzled as of my last remark.
I’M TALKING ABOUT MASTURBATION RAINBOW DASH JESUS CHRIST STOP TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A VIRGIN BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW YOU’RE NOT.
“Never mi-- Ju-- Aghhhhhh!” I exclaimed burying my face in my hands. Fluttershy got up from the table and flew out of the banquet hall, slamming the door behind her. I looked up for a moment. “What happened to Fluttershy?” I asked. Everypony was quiet. No one said a word.
“I think she likes you, man.” Vinyl said “And… Your little rant just now… Kinda told her that you didn’t feel the same way. That’s just a guess though, I’m still drunk as hay, I wouldn’t know my left hoof from my flank right now…”
“Vinyl’s right.” Twilight said “Fluttershy did take quite a liking to you. She didn’t hide it around us, but...”
“Why did you do that?” Rainbow asked.
Ohhhhhh fuckkkkkkk…
“What?” I asked Twilight, I couldn’t believe what I just heard.
“I said WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?!?” Rainbow yelled as she flew at me from her place at the table pinning me to the floor, she raised her right hoof to hit me.
Good. I deserved it.
NIGGER GET THEM SHIELDS ONLINE! LET ME TAKE CONTROL GODDAMNIT! HEY! WAKE UP!
I should’ve looked at the signs. Why would Fluttershy care so much for me? Why did she act the way she did? Why did she take such an interest in my music? It all made sense now. Bring down the hoof, Rainbow. I deserve it.
GODDAMNIT! LIEUTENANT GET A CALL IN FOR REINFORCEMENTS!
I can’t sir! The line’s jammed!
SHIT! BRACE FOR IMPACT!
Just before Rainbow’s hoof could connect with my face, Matt tackled Rainbow and held her on the ground for a moment a couple feet away from me. Rainbow squirmed around for a moment, everypony was yelling at her telling her to stop.
“GET OFF!!!” She yelled as she got both her hind legs under Matt and bucked him into the air. Twilight stood up from the table and caught him with her magic before he could hit the ground. Paul and Applejack jumped in front of where I lay on the floor in an attempt to protect me from the raging Rainbow Dash.
Octavia sat watching with her mouth agape. Rarity was yelling at Rainbow in an attempt to make her stop. Pinkie sat at the table covering her ears with her hooves and muttering to herself with her eyes closed.
Rainbow made a charge at me, Applejack ran at Rainbow to intercept her, but Rainbow took to the air above Applejack just before they could lock heads. Applejack turned her head to see Rainbow hovering above her when suddenly Applejack crashed into a pillar. Rainbow darted towards where I lay. She landed in front of Paul and pushed him out of the way with little effort, Twilight managed to catch him before he could fall onto the table. Suddenly, Pinkie jumped in front of me and Rainbow stopped dead in her tracks. Pinkie’s hair was now fully straightened and she had a crazed and furious look in her eyes.
“OUT OF MY WAY PINKIE!” Rainbow yelled “I HAVE A SCORE TO SETTLE!”
“MY NAME IS NOT PINKIE!!” Pinkie yelled “MY NAME IS PINKAMENA DIANE PIE!! NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME!!” The room fell silent again. An eerie chill went down my spine. I had something similar to Pinkie’s sixth sense. When I feel a chill go down my spine, it means that some serious shit’s about to go down.
Oh God… It’s CUPCAKES all over again!
“NO!! YOU LISTEN!!” Rainbow yelled. Pinki—Err, Pinkamena, slapped Rainbow across the face, making the collision of hoof and face echo throughout the hall.
PI-YUMP SLAP NIGGA!! DAYUMN!!!
“DON’T TALK BACK TO ME!!” She yelled “ARE YOU LISTENING YET?” Rainbow fell silent “Good. Now, tell me Rainbow. Why did you try to attack Jimmy just now?”
“Because he hurt Fluttershy’s feelings.” She replied.
“Then shouldn’t it be Fluttershy who should be attacking him?” Pinkamena retorted angrily. I got worried for a moment.
Nigga we gonna have ourselves a fresh batch of Rainbow Dash cupcakes in a minute.
“Fluttershy wouldn’t attack anyone! She can’t even stand up for herself, that’s why I went after him!” Rainbow said as she was met with another hard slap.
“Do you really think Fluttershy would want you to attack him? Since you’re such a good friend to her, you think you would know what she wants, but apparently, YOU DON’T.” Pinkamena replied. I stood up behind Pinkamena. I started to wonder if I really wanted to be a murder witness or not.
“I do know what she wants! She’s been my friend way longer than she’s been yours!”
“IF YOU KNEW WHAT SHE WANTS, YOU WOULD HAVE STAYED IN YOUR SEAT AND NEVER ATTACKED JIMMY. HONESTLY RAINBOW, DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE IN YOUR HEART THAT FLUTTERSHY OF ALL PONIES WOULD WANT SOMEONE KILLED OR HURT IN HER NAME?!” Pinkamena had to spell it out for Rainbow, but she finally got it. Fluttershy wouldn’t want that. Hell, I don’t even think Applejack or any of the others except Rainbow would want someone killed or hurt over them like that. “YOU WERE THINKING ONLY OF YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU WANTED TO DO! USING FLUTTERSHY AS A POOR EXCUSE! WHAT THE HAY DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF NOW?! Oh yeah, I bet Fluttershy would be REALLY PROUD of what you just tried to do, Rainbow. She’d definitely like and respect you a whole lot more now!”
Rainbow looked around the room to each pony and person. Octavia was still sitting at the table with her mouth agape. Twilight had just put down Matt and Paul on the floor near to me and Pinkamena. Applejack was now picking herself off the ground near the pillar she had crashed into. Rarity was attempting to clean up whatever food was strewn across the table from when Rainbow flew at me. Vinyl had produced a bag of popcorn and was eagerly watching to see what would happen next. Finally, Rainbow turned to me and Pinkamena.
“Jimmy… Pinkie…” Rainbow started “Paul, Matt, Applejack, Twilight, Rarity, Octavia, DJ-PON3...”
“Sop.” Vinyl said upon hearing her stage-name.
“I’m sorry about all this.” She said as one single tear came from her eye and dropped to the floor “I was just so upset for Fluttershy and I… I put it all to rage and…” She looked around the hall once more and looked to Rarity who was still cleaning the table “Rarity, stop cleaning up, I’ll do it. It was my mess I made.” She turned back to me and Pinkamena “I don’t expect you to forgive me.” Suddenly Pinkamena’s hair re-inflated and she lost the crazed look in her eye, regaining her cheerful and happy aura.
“Silly, why wouldn’t we forgive you?” Pinkie said hugging Rainbow “You forgive her, right Jimmy?” Rainbow looked to me with tears in her eyes.
Okay, you are lucky as fuck that Pinkie likes you the way she does. She’s like a mother type figure to you. But like an awesome mom who throws parties and shit. Anyway, forgive Rainbow Dash, then go apologise to Fluttershy.
“Rainbow, I forgive you.” I said, I smiled at her and she broke out in more tears. I walked to the door that Fluttershy had exited through.
“Where are you going?” Asked Twilight.
“I gotta go make things right with Fluttershy.” I replied.
“Well, you might need this.” Twilight said as she levitated my wing cap over to me. I must have left it at Sugar Cube Corner and Pinkie must have brought it. Either that or Twilight stole it from me. It was probably the first though.
TWILIGHT IS A NIGGER. I BET SHE TOOK MY BIKE TOO.
I have never owned a bike in my entire life.
WELL WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
Because I didn’t go outside much?
NO. BECAUSE WHENEVER YOUR PARENTS GOT YOU ONE IT WOULD DISAPPEAR! I BET YOU THERE’S A ROOM IN THE LIBRARY WHERE THERE’S A SHITTON OF BIKES STASHED AWAY.
… You know what? That kind of makes sense.
“Thanks Twilight.” I said donning my wing cap. I went through the door and flew out the first open window I could find. Knowing Fluttershy, she’s either in her room or in the garden somewhere. If she’s not in either of those places… I hope she’s in one of them.
I flew around the garden, looking for a yellow pegasus. I had almost given up looking here when I saw a yellow pony with a pink mane sitting by a small stream. She was crying. I landed softly a few feet behind her so I didn’t startle her. I took a couple steps and decided to make my presence known.
“Fluttershy.” I said softly, she turned around after letting out a small yelp even though I had said her name so softly.
“Jimmy… I just want to be alone right now… Please...” She replied between sobs.
“Fluttershy, listen to me.” I said as I sat down beside her, she didn’t pull away like I thought she would “I’m really, truly sorry about what I said in there. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings like I did.” I took her right hoof in my hands “I’m just… Really, really, really sorry. Will you forgive me?”
I was never the best at apologies.
YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY.
Usually, it would be the girl giving me this kind of apology after she throws my ass in the friend zone. This time, the roles had been switched up, and I’d have to do it again tonight.
Oh boy. I’m excited for that, lemme tell ya.
You gonna get raped, I mean, err, loved tenderly.
Is there a difference?
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY BOY'S GETTING A SENSE OF HUMOUR!
“I forgive you, Jimmy.” Fluttershy said as she hugged me. Tears still streaming from her eyes. I started crying too.
I’ve been running the numbers and it looks like they all hate you.
All of t-
ALL OF THEM.
We hugged for at the least five minutes, crying onto each other's shoulder.
“Fluttershy?” I started.
“Yes Jimmy?” She replied.
“Can we go back inside now?” I asked her
“Okay.” She said, we stood up and made our way back inside. I suggested flying, but Fluttershy wanted to walk with me through the garden, so we did. After a nice ten minute stroll, we reached the castle. She told me she was feeling tired so she was going to bed, I gave her a hug farewell.
“So, you two are all good again?” Paul asked as he walked over to me with Twilight.
“Yeah, we’re all set.” I replied “I still feel really bad though.”
“About Fluttershy?” Paul asked.
“Not just her.” I replied walking up the stairs.
“But you’re clear with her, what’s the problem?” Twilight asked.
“Her heart isn’t the only one I had to break today.” I replied.
“Luna?” Twilight asked.
“Are you sure that will work?” Paul asked. I chuckled.
“I have no idea…” I walked up to my room and thought about how tonight should go. I started rehearsing my lines. Hoping they’d go the way I planned. The way I planned was simple: I don’t end up being banished to the sun or moon. I doubt those would happen, but I really hope that’s the case.
At 6:27 I made my way to Luna’s room. I stood outside the door and checked the time on my iPod. It said 6:29 for only a couple seconds and changed to 6:30. I knocked on the door; the door was magically opened to reveal Luna.
Ohhhhhh shittttttt… What the hell is this…?
You gonna get loved tenderly…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 14 - Suck My Kiss
Luna’s room was dimly lit with many floating candles. The bed was covered in rose petals along with the floor near it. The curtains in the room were closed. On the bed lay Luna who was looking at me with her ‘bedroom eyes’.
Oh dear. This isn’t going to end well for me.
She jumped off the bed onto the floor and levitated me over to her.
“Jimmy!” She said as she hugged me tightly, she kissed me on the forehead “I’m so glad you’re here.”
Umm…
“Umm…”
“I’m surprised at how prompt you are,” She started as she let go of me and lay down on the bed “I suppose you were anxious to see me…” She looked at me with her bedroom eyes again “I was anxious to see you too…”
Uhh…
“Uhh…”
“I spent all of last night thinking about you… All of today too…” She continued, I really, really wanted to stop her before things got out of hand but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything outside of single-syllable expressions. I didn’t want to upset her like I did Fluttershy. It wouldn’t be anywhere near as peaceful an agreement. At this point, I had led Luna on, much further than I had Fluttershy. Oh God, I was really in the wrong now “Jimmy, I believe you know what my intentions are by now.”
Umm… I…
“Umm… I…”
“I know you’ve never been with anypony; or, anyone before…”
Oh God no, no, no, I have to do something and I have to do it now.
SHIT YOUR PANTS. THAT ALWAYS WORKS.
I’ve already done that.
YOU’VE ONLY DONE IT MENTALLY SO FAR, I MEAN PHYSICALLY!
“Come here…” She said with full-on bedroom eyes, voice and all.
“Luna, I… Err…”
“Oh, you like when the lady is in command.” She said getting off the bed and walking towards me “Don’t worry… You just leave everything to me…” My back was against the wall, she leaned in for a kiss.
No. No. Not again.
“Luna st-” She kissed me, I try to pull away to no avail, she’s pushing against me, I can’t move her, I won’t allow myself to, I’ll hurt her if I do.
No. I must.
I move my hands from my sides to her face and move it away from mine just enough so I can speak.
“Luna, listen,” I started as she tried hard to lock her lips with my own again, I dodge her face with my own “We can’t be like this.”
“Oh, of course, we should move to the bed!” She said.
Wait, what?! How did that even translate to that?!
My boy…
She picked me up and flew us to the bed. She put me down first and got on top of me.
“Now, where were we?” She said in a playful voice.
You…
“Luna, listen to me for a minute, please.” I interrupted. She stopped only for a moment.
Gonna…
“What is it?” She asked “Are you not into this kind of thing?”
Bingo.
Get…
“Yeah, I’m not really into this. I mea-”
Loved…
“I know just what you need.” Wait a minute. She levitated me into the air and rested me on top of her.
“Umm…” She then levitated a ball gag a riding crop and some rope over to the bed.
WHAT. OH JESUS CHRIST.
TENDERLY.
“No, Luna, this is not what I meant.” I said before she could put on the gag.
“The safe word is ‘banana’.” She said; I took the ball gag in my hand.
“No, the safe word is not ‘banana’, there i-”
“Oh, you like wearing it? Should I get th-”
“Luna.” I interrupted before she suggest a ‘strap-on’ or some other sex toy.
Here it goes.
“We can’t be in a relationship.” Her eyes went wide.
“But… Why not?” She asked. I moved from on top of her to the edge of the bed.
“Luna, you’re an amazing pony. You’re kind and loving. But, I can’t be with you.” I said as I looked at her in all seriousness.
“I still don’-”
“We’re two different species. I can’t have these kinds of relations with a pony, I just can’t. I can only do that with other human females. That’s why. It’s not that you have a bad personality or anything. It’s that I just can’t do it. I’m sorry.” There was silence for a few moments. I didn’t know what to say. I had a hard time looking at Luna. Needless to say, she was very upset. I decided it was time for me to go before things got out of hand or generally worse for me.
“So… Yeah, I’m just go-”
“THOU SHALT NOT GO ANYWHERE!” Boomed Luna in the Royal Canterlot voice.
Oh shit. There’s the tingle down my spine. Time to get the fuck out of here.
Oh look, the all caps rage. You know what that means.
Wh-
YOU GONNA GET RAPED.
“THOU SHALT NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM UNTIL THOU HAST AGREED TO BE MY SOUL MATE AND HAVE PLEASURED US THOROUGHLY!”
Usually, if a girl told me this, I’d be all for it. Today, that just couldn’t be the case.
HAVE FUN WITH YOUR TENDER LOVING, I’M GETTING THE FUCK OUT! SEE YA! GOOD LUCK WITH THE SEX-DEPRIVED PONY PRINCESS!
HEY! HEY! GET BACK HERE!
NOPE!
GODDAMNIT!
I sprinted from the bed to the door which slammed and locked itself just before I could reach it. The windows opened and a large breeze blew in.
That’s it! I’ll fly… Out… The window… Where the fuck is my hat?
I look around the room frantically as an angry, horny Luna approaches me. I see my hat on the bed. It must have fallen off when she flew us to the bed. I need to get over to the bed.
What do I do? Do I play along with her and then say…
“LOOK! PRINCESS CELESTIA!”
“Sister?” She said as she turned around.
Wait. I just said that?
I ran past her and dived over the bed grabbing my hat as I did. I did a roll as I landed on the floor and ran towards the window donning my hat and jumped out the window all in one swift series of movements.
“Wow, I don’t believe that actually worked!” I said as I flew around one of the towers of the castle.
“JIMMY!!!” Shouted Luna as she flew after me.
Oh shit, I forgot. She’s an alicorn.
I tried to fly away but a glowing dark blue field surrounded me. I couldn’t move.
Oh fuck, she’s got me. What the hell do I do now?
She levitated me back into her room and put me on the bed. She landed inside and took off my hat and threw it in a box and locked it.
Okay, okay. Time to employ the Omega Option. I don’t like this plan. Not one bit. But it’s the only thing that’s got any chance at working right now. Here we go…
“Luna. I’m sorry about how I acted just now.” I started. She looked at me with a slightly confused look. I felt the magic weighing me down lift a little bit “It wasn’t right of me to deny your feelings like that. I’m so sorry.” Luna approached me.
“What do you mean?” She said as the dark blue glow around me faded away.
I sat up in the bed and moved closer to Luna. I kissed her. Okay, the plan is working; if this next part works everything will be fine. God, I hate myself right now. This is horribly disgusting, but I have to make it seem legit. Right now, in my mind, she has to be Megan Fox or someone like that. I have to make this believable.
“Jimmy… I…” Luna whispered.
“Luna… Get the ropes…” I whispered in her ear as I kissed her on the cheek. She jumped onto the bed and levitated the ropes over to me. I tied her to the bed, exchanging dirty phrases with her. Once I finished with the last hoof she said.
“I really had no idea you were into this kind of thing! It’s a good thing I was prepared, was it not?” She asked.
“It was a very good thing, Luna. You’re a good mare.” I said smiling at her. The plan had worked. Everything was in place. Just two more steps and everything would be complete. She had placed the keys to the box that contained my hat and her door on her bedside table. I needed to get at those without her notice. I bent over next to her face.
“Who’s my naughty filly?” I whispered as I held back laughter at the insanely stupid phrase I had just uttered. She kissed me.
Now.
I grabbed the keys from the table quietly enough that she didn’t notice the noise.
“I’m your naughty little filly.” She said in her bedroom voice as she purred.
“I need you to do one more thing for me before we start, honey.” I stated.
“What’s that?” She said as she licked her lips. I paused for a moment.
“Stay. Very. Still.” I said quietly. She tensed up “Now, close your eyes.” She obeyed “And…” I started walking silently backwards towards the door, slipping the keys into my hand. Luna giggled.
“Now what?”
“Now…” I said as I reached the door “Don’t hate me.” I stuck a key into the door and unlocked it. Thank God that was the right key. I opened the door and ran like a bi-pedal bat-out-of-hell down the stairs.
“JIMMY!!! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!” Luna boomed.
LOL NOPE LATER FAGGOT.
I wouldn’t have much time. She could easily undo those ropes using magic. I couldn’t fly and I certainly couldn’t outrun her on foot. I couldn’t go and get my hat either. I needed to hide.
I ran down the stairs and into the hallway. I started trying to open random doors. The first five were all locked. The sixth door I tried opened and I ran inside, shut the door and locked it. I took a moment to catch my breath.
“Jimmy, you’re just in time!” I heard Rarity say.
Wait, what?
I turned around to see her, Twilight, Paul and Matt sitting on the floor in a circle. All four of them in bathrobes with green… Mud; on their faces.
“Don’t hate me cuz I’m fabulous, Jimmy.” Said Matt as he turned around. I thought I had seen everything when I opened the door earlier this evening to find Luna ready for sex. But clearly, I had not seen everything yet.
“Do you like my new hair?” Paul said as he patted his now fully straightened hair “It’s completely fabulous, isn’t it?”
I must be dreaming right now.
“How did it go with the princess, Jimmy?” Twilight asked.
Put it bluntly.
“She mad.” I replied “She very mad, in fact, she so mad.” I pointed at the door “That door will probably explode within the next five seconds to reveal a horny and very angered Princess Luna.” I said calmly.
“Wait, nigga, what?” Matt said. Suddenly, the door exploded. To reveal a horny and very angered Princess Luna.
“Welp. Shit.” I said as Luna ran towards me. The four slumber-party attendees to my left simply watched in horror as I was more than likely about to be fucked to death by a very, very, very pissed off Princess Luna.
Twilight stood up and there was a flash of light followed by me feeling very sick all of a sudden as I found myself just outside the room looking in the doorway to see Luna shaking herself off after tripping over the bed that was behind me.
“RUN JIMMY!!” Twilight yelled. Her advice was well received as I ran down the hallway.
RUN FORREST RUN!
“HHELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” I yelled as Luna chased after me. I certainly did not associate a good way to die with being fucked to death by a pony. Being fucked to death by Megan Fox or Vanessa Hudgens however, seemed like a pretty awesome way to die. Granted that neither of them are traps or anything of that sort. Several doors in the hallway opened as Fluttershy, Applejack and anypony else who was not at the slumber party Luna and I interrupted.
“YOU FUCKING DIPSHITS RUINED MY FUCKING FACIAL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!” Shouted Matt as he poked his head through the doorway.
“I DON’T GIVE A SHIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!” I yelled back as I turned to run down another hallway. I ran past several flustered looking guards as I turned this hallway.
“DON’T JUST STAND THERE YOU FOALS!!! GET HIM!!!” Luna boomed. The Royal Canterlot voice made her sound like she was right next to me. The guards then gave chase.
Oh shit, I’m screwed now. I gotta think of something.
I saw a small table with a vase coming up on my left as I ran down this hallway. I ran past it and pulled it into the middle of the hall in an attempt to trip up the unicorn guards who were fast approaching. One of the three guards tripped over it and fell to the floor. Satisfied with the result, I ran through the hall knocking over anything I possibly could whether it be a painting or an expensive looking statue. I was able to take out all three guards one way or the other. I was running out of breath fast however, I approached the end of this hall and turned the corner. There stood Luna. I fell backwards onto my ass.
Well shit. This is how it ends, huh? Hey, at least I don’t die a virgin… Ha… Haha… Fuck.
“PRINCESS LUNA.” I heard a voice boom. It was so familiar. Suddenly a flash of light appeared in the small gap between Luna and I. When I opened my eyes, Princess Celestia was standing between us.
OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU CELESTIA. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR TROLLING AND MOLESTING.
“Out… Out of my way, sister! He’s mine and mine alone! You can’t have him!” Luna said stomping her hoof to the ground. I flinched.
“Luna, what have you done this time?” Celestia asked in an upset tone.
“I have done nothing at all! It is he who has done something!” Luna replied pointing a hoof at me.
“Oh? Really?” Celestia said “Well it certainly didn’t sound like that from what Twilight told me.”
“What?!” Luna said looking shocked “Wh-How did she tell you anything? You were-”
“She sent me a letter notifying me of what had happened after you had barged into Rarity’s room attempting to… Sex Jimmy to death. As she put it.”
“I can’t believe how they just barge in here and ruin our make-overs!” Matt complained with a lisp and a fabulous accent “That was totally uncalled for!”
“Matt?” Paul asked.
“What? What is it? What’s wrong now? I bet it’s my pedicure isn’t it? Yes, I know we can’t do those now! Look! There’s dust everywhere from the door!”
“Matt.” Paul interrupted “Gently, remove your tampon, and stop being a pretty lady.”
“Fine.” Matt sighed as his voice returned to normal and he reached into his bathrobe and took out a tampon and threw it in a nearby garbage bin. Rarity, Paul and Twilight all stared at Matt wondering what they just witnessed and quickly moved on in an attempt to keep it from further damaging their already crippled minds.
“This could get out of hand really quickly.” Twilight said surveying the pieces of the door that lay on the floor “I need to notify the princess right away! Jimmy will surely need the help!” Twilight took a piece of parchment and a quill from her saddlebags that were on the floor and wrote a quick note to the princess and sent it using unicorn magic since Spike was not around to send it.
“I hope Jimmy gets out of this alright.” Rarity said as she looked at the shattered door.
“That’s all we can do I suppose.” Twilight replied.
“SCREW JIMMY, WHAT ABOUT MY FACIAL!?” Matt yelled in a womanly, whiny voice that came close to Rarity’s own.
“Oh for God’s sake…” Paul said face-palming “Remove ALL your tampons Matt.”
“Goddamnit, fine…” Matt said once again reaching into his robe and taking out at least five tampons. Rarity inched away from Matt slowly while Twilight looked at him in shock. However, Paul was indifferent to their suffering and simply lay on the floor and put two slices of cucumber over his eyes.
Celestia guided Luna and I to her private chambers where we explained exactly what had transpired tonight and the night before between the two of us. Celestia said nothing while we explained. She simply gave the occasional nod to show she understood what was being told.
“… And then when Luna called on those guards I knocked over all that stuff in the hallway which stopped them. Then I turned the corner and fell over cuz Luna was there. Then you appeared, asked Luna what she was doing, there was a flashback that I wasn’t present for and then we ended up here.” I said as I finished my side of the story.
“I see.” Celestia confirmed “Luna? You realise that you can’t be with Jimmy, don’t you?”
“I know…” Luna replied “But it’s not fair! I love him!”
“Yes, I can see that. But the fact is that he doesn’t feel the same way.” Celestia continued.
“Luna, listen to me,” I said “I may not like you the way that boyfriends and girlfriends like each other. But I’d still like to have you as a friend.”
“Really?” Luna asked “After all that I put you through?”
“Yeah, that stuff doesn’t change my view on you as a pony. That was just a misunderstanding, it’s no problem.” I replied smiling. She hugged me and started crying on my shoulder.
Well, this wasn’t reminiscent of anything that happened today.
/sarcasm.
Hey, you’re back.
Yep. You certainly made a mess of the castle, didn’t you?
Yep.
“Thank you…” Luna managed to get out between her sobs. I didn’t cry this time. Celestia looked like she was holding back some tears. I could be wrong.
“No prob.” I said hugging her.
After Luna’s crying session, we left Celestia’s chambers and went back to mine, just to chat this time, no make-outs this time. We talked long into Luna’s night. She made it especially beautiful tonight. I suppose that was for me as well, as a gift for if things had gone the way Luna intended, hence why she didn't close the curtains.
“Jimmy?” She asked.
“Yeah?” I responded.
“You know we’re not gonna be able to talk to each other very often, right?” She said.
“I know.” I said frowning “I wish there was some way we could talk like this when I leave.”
“Well,” She said as she got up from the chair she was sitting in “There is a spell that allows the user to communicate with the other while they sleep.”
“So basically, I dream about talking to you while actually talking to you?” I asked.
“Yes, it’s like that.” She replied “Except you remember the conversations like you would if they happened in real time rather than your dream.”
“Cool, let’s do it!” I said springing up from my chair.
“The problem with the spell is that if we do speak in the dream, whatever sleep we had will be wasted. When you wake up it will feel like you never slept in the first place.” Luna replied.
“Well, can’t you sleep IN the dream that we talk in?” I asked “Like, okay, we started talking, and then we both decided to go to sleep within that dream?”
“There’s an idea, we should try that!” Luna said.
Wow. I wasn’t actually being serious, but it’s worth a shot I guess.
Gonna need some serious help from Leonardo De Caprio to pull this shit off.
“So, let’s do the spell!” I said “Come on, I wanna do it, let’s do it!”
“Well, alright. Here it goes.” Luna charged up magic in her horn and released a beam of magic that touched me. Her horn stopped glowing.
“Did it work?” I asked.
“We’ll see when we go to bed tonight I suppose.” Luna replied. There was a brief pause.
“Well, I’m gonna go to bed.” I said.
“Oh yes, I should go too. Good night Jimmy.” Luna responded.
“Good night Luna.” I said as I gave her a hug. She teleported away just as she had done last night when she had left. I went to my bed and fell asleep almost instantly.
I dreamt that I was in a completely white space. After a few seconds Luna appeared.
“Well, it looks like the spell worked.” I said.
“Indeed.” She replied “Can we talk tomorrow night instead please? I am quite tired tonight.”
“Of course, Luna.” I responded “How do I get out of this place though?”
“Simple, if you ever want to leave this room, just imagine a door and go through it. You’ll be sent into your own dreams rather than this one that we share.”
“Interesting. Well then, good night Luna.” I said imagining a door behind me.
“Good night Jimmy.” She replied as a door appeared behind her. Her door disappeared once she left. I looked into what was awaiting me in my door. All I could see was a black space in my doorway.
“I suppose I’m not dreaming tonight I guess.” I said as I entered the door.
I was wrong. It was a dream. Rather, it was a nightmare. Just like the one I had a few nights ago with the screaming and laughter.
I walked through the black space that was this dream, hearing the laughter and screams fade in and out. This time however, there was wind. It blew every time the voices got too loud. After a while of walking around this place I was met with two sets of glowing red eyes in front of me. What are they? Who are they? I felt a hand grab my shoulder. I turned around to find a pair of the eyes floating behind me, now it had a glowing smile to accompany its eyes. Another grab at me, the other set of eyes and its newly acquired mouth on that side of me. What the hell is this? The two ‘spirits’ continued to grab at me while shrieking and laughing.
I woke up sweating. Goddamnit. What do those represent? They don’t remind me of anything I’ve seen before. Maybe it’s something from my future? I don’t know. I just want to sleep without their torment. I’ll try again, hopefully I won’t have to deal with them this time around…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 15 - We're Gonna Groove
It was a week after I had left Canterlot and three weeks since I had first arrived in Equestria. Matt, Paul, Vinyl, Octavia and I had all finally finished moving into our new house in Ponyville. It had certainly taken a while to fully set up all of our new furniture and lay out our bedrooms, but it was done at last. This morning I had intended to sleep in, but somepony had other plans for me.
“Jimmy, time to haul your butt out of bed.” I heard Vinyl say.
“Nrmph.” I replied burying my face further in the pillow.
“Oh? Really?” She asked “Well, I guess I best be leaving you alone then.” Suddenly she jumped on top of me.
“OWW!!” I exclaimed.
“Wakey wakeyyyy!!” She yelled as she started tickling me, I couldn’t move as she had me pinned to the bed “Say uncle! Come on!”
“UNC-HAHAHAHAAA!! UN-AAHAHAHHAA!!! STOP I-HAHAHA!!!” I managed to get out as she continued to tickle me. Being tickled by hooves is far worse than being tickled with fingers.
“Come on! Wake up!” She said as she continued her assault.
“Uncle!! Uncle!!” I finally managed to say. She got off of me and lay next to me on her stomach.
“You know what’s supposed to happen now?” She asked.
“I’m supposed to get out of bed?” I replied, suddenly she pushed me off my bed and onto the floor. I let out a small yelp as I fell the two feet from my bed to the floor.
“Bingo.” She said looking down at me with her mischievous red eyes. I figured since I was already out of the bed I may as well wake up. I got up from my increasingly comfortable position on the carpeted floor of my bedroom and looked at the Wonderbolts clock that hung on the wall.
“Vinyl!! It’s only eight in the morning!” I exclaimed “What the hell!!!”
“I am indifferent to your suffering.” She blandly said as she sprawled herself out on my bed and shut her eyes.
“Vinyl… One does not simply take over MY bed…” I said standing at the side of my bed.
“I’m sorry, what was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me sleeping in your bed.” She chuckled.
“Say uncle.” I said. She looked up for a moment raising an eyebrow to see me jump on top of her and begin tickling her.
“AGH!!! NO-HAHAAHAAAHAA!!! AHH!!! ST-HAHAA!!! STOP IT!!!” She screamed as she squirmed under me holding her down.
“Come on Vinyl! Say it!” I said as I exacted my revenge on the white unicorn.
“AGHHH-AHAHAAA!!! UNCLE!!! AHAHA!!!! UNCLE!!!!” She screamed.
“I’m sorry what was that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me tickling you!” I replied as I continued my barrage of tickles.
“SCR-AHHAHAAA!!! SCREW YOU!!!!” She screamed. I finally stopped as I knew I had carried on for longer than I should have. I hovered over her, holding my upper body just inches away from her own with my arms “Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Callahan?” She asked me.
“Not today honey, you know I don’t swing that way.” I said getting off Vinyl and sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Aww, come on, it could be fun!” She said sitting next to me.
“Sorry Vinyl, last time I checked, you had a marefriend.”
“Oh come on, it would just be for… Educational purposes…?”
“Sorry, I finished school prematurely; I’m done with education, thanks.”
“I bet that’s not the only thing you finish prematurely.” Vinyl said playfully as she kissed me on the cheek and jumped off the bed.
“Hey! That’s not true! Like you’d even know!” I retorted.
“The only one who would is you~.” Vinyl said as she opened the door “Come on, bitch. Make me breakfast.” I got up from the bed and walked over to her.
“Poof, you’re breakfast!” I said as I wrapped my arms around her and playfully started to bite her.
“Hey!!” She exclaimed “Save that for the bedroom!!” We went downstairs and I fixed Vinyl a bowl of cereal, like the breakfast-making bitch she claimed I was.
“This wasn’t the real reason you woke me up, was it?” I asked her. If it was, I was not going to be a happy camper. I would be neither happy nor a camper.
HA! IS FUNNY BECAUSE YOU HAVE NEVER CAMPED BEFORE!
Oh there you are.
“Yeah. I just wanted some cereal.” She said as she took her trademark shades off the table and put them over her eyes.
“I can tell when you’re lying, Vinyl.” I replied “What’s the real reason?”
“To the studio!” She said standing up carrying her bowl of cereal with her telekinesis.
“Nope.” I said standing in front of the swinging door that led to the hallway “Not with that cereal you’re not.”
“Aww, come on!” She whined “Just this once, please?” She said lifting her shades and batting her eyelids. I gave her a very blank expression that said ‘No’.
“Oh, fine.” She said shovelling a few spoonfuls of cereal into her mouth. Once she finished she levitated the bowl into the sink and ran downstairs. I followed her down into the studio.
The studio now contained several microphones, most of which were around the drum kit in the room or in front of amplifiers. A considerably long keyboard sat on a stand in front of a piano stool next to the drum kit which sat directly opposite the door of the studio in the corner of the room. In the center of the room sat a rather comfortable chair with my Les Paul leaning against it and a microphone on a stand in front of my comfy chair. A little further away was another chair that looked a little less comfortable that had a stand with a cello next to it. Inside the mixing room was Vinyl’s audio equipment which consisted of an electronic turntable and her laptop (which was considerably larger than my own because the keyboard’s size had to be large enough for hooves to use). There was a particularly large sound board on the desk that was hooked up to the laptop as well. Vinyl took a seat at the desk and turned on her laptop.
“I want to show you some of my work.” She said “It’s some new stuff I’ve come up with; I think you might like it.”
“Cool, let’s hear it.” I replied. Vinyl plugged in some rather large speakers to her laptop and opened a .wav file.
“Brace yourself.” She said grinning mischievously as she hit the spacebar. The music that came blasting out of the speakers was dubstep. It was good dubstep too. I’m not really one who enjoys dubstep very much, but this was awesome. It was, however, quite loud. Through the glass window of the mixing room, I saw Octavia, Matt and Paul enter the studio. It seems that they weren’t able to hear what was going on in the mixing room. That’s a good thing I suppose. Matt opened the door to the mixing room. He said something that was made inaudible from the glorious dubstep that blasted out the speakers and into the main studio.
“VINYL!!!! TURN IT DOWN!!!!” Octavia yelled from outside. The song ended as she yelled to Vinyl. Either that or where Vinyl paused sounded like it would be the end of the song “What was that racket!?”
“RACKET?!?!!” Matt and Paul yelled turning to Octavia.
“THAT WAS DUBSTEP!!! THE MOST GLORIOUS ELECTRONIC MUSIC IN EXISTENCE!!!” Matt yelled.
“DUBSTEP IS NOT RACKET!!! ESPECIALLY NOT THAT SONG!!!” Paul continued.
“Who is the inventor of that awful racket?!” Octavia asked. Vinyl put her shades over her eyes and leaned back from the door. She rolled her chair over to the computer and stared blankly at the screen.
“Octavia, calm down a minute.” I said in a cool tone.
“Tell me, who made that nonsense?!” She continued “It’s just a bunch of noises with a chopped up bass-line and beat!!”
“Octavia.” I interjected.
“Who would even find that slightly enjoy-”
“OCTAVIA!” I shouted “Vinyl, made that song.” Octavia’s jaw dropped.
“Oh… Oh my… Vinyl?” She said looking into the mixing room “I’m… I’m sorry… I didn’t mea-”
“You didn’t mean it?!” Vinyl retorted “What the hay do you mean if you didn’t mean it?!” Octavia stood speechless “If you didn’t mean it you wouldn’t have said it!!!” Vinyl shouted banging a hoof down on the desk as a tear made its way down her face.
“Vinyl I’m sorry!”
“Sure you are! Let’s see how long you can take this without calling it ‘awful racket’!!” Vinyl cranked a knob on the speaker and whacked the spacebar again. The dubstep blared at least twice as loud as before. Octavia was unfortunate enough to have her head right next to one of the speakers when it started and almost had a seizure and a heart attack simultaneously as it started.
“VINYL THAT’S ENOUGH!!!” I shouted to no avail, the music was too loud, I hardly heard myself. I reached my hand over to the keyboard and stopped the blasting dubstep. “Enough. Just stop. Vinyl. Not everypony is going to like this music. It’s great for a club or somewhere like that, yes. That’s where you mainly operate. Octavia wouldn’t like it that much because, well, she wouldn’t. She prefers music you make using an instrument rather than a computer and vice versa. As far as I’m concerned, you don’t exactly like classical music very much, do you?”
“No…” Vinyl said sheepishly.
“See? It’s okay if you don’t like each other’s music. But Octavia, you were in the wrong to insult it and its creator before even finding out who it was. Just tolerate each other’s music, if you want to go further than that, learn to love it.” I said as I glanced from each side of me to view the two ponies “So, can y’all make up now?” I said removing myself from between them.
“I’m sorry, my dear Vinyl. I didn’t mean to insult you or upset you.” Octavia said while moving her eyes back and forth from the floor to Vinyl.
“It’s okay; I didn’t mean to snap at you like that either, I’m sorry.” Vinyl said removing her glasses and looking at Octavia. The two stared into each other’s eyes for a brief moment and suddenly embraced each other with open hooves and mouths. Paul covered his eyes while Matt and I watched with the expression that could only be described as one that said “d’awwwwwwwwwwwww”.
Awww that’s adorable, they’re making ou- Where is that hoof going? Oh… Oh my…
BONER CEASE AND DESIST THIS INSTANT!
“Okay, umm, girls?” Paul started “You mind getting a room or… At least removing Octavia from off your face so you can tell us why you brought us down here?” Vinyl gave a hoof gesture that certainly couldn’t mean anything kind “Or you could do that, that’s cool too, I’ll just be playing drums then… So… Yeah…”
“We should probably leave them in here to… Yeah…” I said as Matt and I saw the two mares getting more… Physical with each other. We swiftly exited the mixing room rather than making them get another room as they seemed more than comfortable with that room.
You are a faggot.
Really?
Yes. Two girls fucking in the mixing room and you’re not watching.
They’re ponies.
implying you’re ever going to see girls doing that ever again outside of the porn videos you have on your computer.
Shut the fuck up.
Paul sat behind his kit and started double-pedalling as fast as he could while doing a simple 2nds beat on the hi-hat and snare. Matt started warming up on sax playing Careless Whispers by George Michaels while humping the saxophone. I turned on my amp and pedal, plugged in my guitar and sat down, moving the microphone to my face.
“Okay, guys?” I spoke into the mic. Matt stopped and looked at me, Paul did not pay a scrap of his attention to me and continued with his blast beats and overly-complicated fills “Paul. Paul. Hey Paul.” I said trying to get his attention. I sighed and took a deep breath.
Time to rival Pinkie Pie in the amount of words she could get out without stopping.
“HEYPAULHEYHEYHEYPAULGUESSWHATPAULHEYPAULHEYLISTENHEYLISTENPAULHEYPAULGUESSWHATPAULHEYPAULLISTENTOMEPAULHEYPAULLOOKIEHEREPAULPAULPAULPAULHEYHEYHEYHEYHEYHAYHEYHEYHEYLISTENHEYLISTENLISTENHEYLISTENPAULLOOKATMEPAULHEYPAULLOOKIHAVEAGUITARANDSTUFFHEYPAULLOOKLOOKPAULOCTAVIAANDVINYLAREHAVINGLOUDMAKEUPSEXINTHEMIXINGROOMYOUSHOULDGOVIDEOTAPETHEMPAULHEYPAULWHYDON’TYOUGOVIDEOTAPETHEMHEYPAULWHYDON’TYOULISTENTOMEPAULWHYAREN’TYOULISTENINGTOMEPAULHEYGUESSWHATPAUL”
At long last Paul stopped giving me the most confused expression I had ever seen on his face. “Now that you’re listening, I-” The door to the mixing room opened to reveal a slightly stumbling Octavia who’s mane and tail were ruffled and her bowtie was no longer tidy. She took a moment to straighten herself up a bit and sat down on the chair next to her cello and started tuning it. A wide smile adorned her face as she tuned her instrument while humming Careless Whispers. She looked around the room when she finished tuning to find three faces looking at her.
That awkward moment when everyone in the room is aware you just had sex. That other awkward moment when everyone in the room is jealous of this fact.
“Something wrong?” She asked.
“No, no, nothing.” Matt replied.
“Right, as I was sa-”
“Okay guys, I want y’all to jam something so I can record it. And by jam something, I mean right now. Cuz I’m recording. So go. Now. Do eet.” Vinyl interrupted me over the PA.
“Yes, that’s what I was going to say.” I finally got out.
We all looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. Matt stood up and started playing the melody to the My Little Pony theme. I joined in immediately with the chords Matt had made me learn so many months before. Paul joined at the same time with a few light rolls on the cymbals. As the “vocalising” on the saxophone finished, every instrument burst into a bright and moderately paced song. The “big adventure, tons of fun…” melody was played by both the guitar and saxophone as Octavia played single notes in the places they belonged in the actual song. As we wrapped up the My Little Pony Theme, I held the D chord that it ended on for a brief moment and then got an idea.
I played a single C note. I looked to Octavia and grinned. C. G C. G C G C E G. F. D F. D F D C D G. Octavia’s jaw dropped. She knew this song. It was Eine Klein Nachtmusik by Mozart. I played the sequence one more time with Paul hitting different toms every time a note was played. Octavia and Matt joined in this time too. The third time around, I moved down one half step. Octavia and Matt noticed the change and followed suit while Paul played a proper beat the drums rather than just following the notes I played. After two of those, I shifted the key to E this time, Octavia and Matt were able to keep up this time too. Once again, after two more I shifted keys again, this time back to C and played the sequence twice.
I immediately started a new song. This time, it was the Simpsons theme. Paul was able to sense that I would do something different and did a quick roll on the snare followed by a crash which led into a simple bass drum beat. I went through the famous “Da, da da, dada, da da, da dadadadaaaa.” in C. Paul did a fast roll on the snare while maintaining the bass drum beat as I finished the second time. I then moved down to B again for these two sequences while Octavia and Matt followed suit. I then decided it was a good idea for a solo in A# where Octavia and Matt went silent just for a bit while I soloed with the drums still going. My solo finished on a D# and I quickly started playing the main tune again in E as Matt and Octavia joined me. After those two sequences I slid back down to C and played the outro of the song which was followed surprisingly well by Matt and Octavia who picked up on what I was doing. I turned the last sequence of C notes into power chords and continued strumming quickly, moving to C#, then D and finally D# which I stayed on just a bit longer than the others and yelled “STOP” to the others.
I then played a quick power chord sequence which used D#, A#A#, CC, A#A# twice. Matt played a quick FGF sequence and Paul followed with a fill that signalled Matt to start playing the melody of Basket Case. I jumped from my chair and started head-banging much like Billie Joe Armstrong would while he played this song live. Octavia followed the chords I played by ear. As far as I could tell, she was one of those “perfect pitch” ponies, considering how easily she was following me. Our little group blasted through one verse and chorus of the song as well as the outro where Paul was able to add in several fast and complicated fills as we finished that song. I continued strumming that final A# chord as I tried to think of another song we could go into. I moved the A# to D#. No, I still couldn’t think of anything in that key. Suddenly, I thought of Pinkie Pie and what song she reminded me of. I yelled “STOP” to everyone again.
G, F D# D A# G, C D D# F D.
“YES!!! HAHA!!!” Paul shouted “ONE MORE TIME!!” He recognised it. The song was the Gourmet Race theme from the Kirby series. I played the intro one last time and held the last D note. Four strikes on the hi-hat followed by an erratic snare drum roll and a crash to start the rest of the song. Octavia somehow was able to figure out the actual bass line to the song while Matt simply awaited a chance to join the song where it would not sound like he was simply overdubbing my notes. We reached what I referred to as the bridge where Matt took over the tuba’s role in the song with a string of notes that went: F F G# C D# D C G, F F G# C D# F G. Matt told Octavia to follow him the next time around because she got lost when I stopped and Matt played his part. He asked this while I played the flute’s ‘reply’ to the tuba’s part. Same string of notes, this time played on the cello and saxophone answered with my own reply. My favourite part of the song started now. Paul decided this bit should be mainly guitar so he hit the crash twice and held it on each change that the non-lead instruments had. Matt and Octavia followed this pattern while I simply speed-picked the already fast note pattern. As the first pattern came to a close, Paul did an incredibly fast roll across the drums and started up a continuous beat again for the last part of this section of the song. The intro was played one last time with everyone and the last D note was held. I started signalling to Paul to keep a steady bass drum beat going.
D E, D E, D E, D E~. I repeated several times, Paul and Matt picked up what song was being played. It was the intro of Can’t Stop by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Paul started the beat of the intro on the floor tom and snare lightly while gradually getting harder while Matt copied what I was doing until the main guitar riff was to start. As the verse started, Octavia looked very lost. Matt was playing the melody of the song while I was doing the guitar part which was basically a lead guitar rather than a rhythm, but that’s what made RHCP songs special. A lead guitar being played with a bass that would mimic the lead guitar. I started up my loop shifter and played the entire riff flawlessly and let the pedal loop the riff. I switched on the octave effect on my guitar and came closer to Octavia and gestured her to look at what I was playing. I started playing the bass part to the song. Octavia was able to follow it perfectly after I went through it only once. I waited for the right moment in the song where we would enter the chorus to turn off the loop shifter and start the chorus. When the chorus started, Octavia simply followed the chords I played as Matt and Paul continued what they had to do at this point. Our version of the chorus was played considerably harder than the original would. The chorus came to a close and Paul started playing a simple but fast beat on the floor tom and snare. It took me a while to figure out what he was getting at, but I noticed it and a large grin developed on my face.
“HEY, HO! LET’S GO! HEY, HO! LET’S GO!” I shouted into the microphone. I started playing palm muted A power chords and continued the intro vocals to Blitzkrieg Bop. After just one bar of palm muted chords came a quick barrage of unmuted, classic punk-guitar goodness. I sang the words and played the song using all down-strokes like a true punk-rock guitarist would. Matt made up his own little additions to the song with his sax that fit very nicely into the song. Octavia followed the simple three chord pattern that made up this song, almost looking bored. As this song wrapped up, Matt had moved his mic to his mouth to accompany me on the “HEY, HO! LET’S GO!” which Paul was also shouting from behind the kit. I signalled to Octavia to start playing again as I started the palm muted A chords again and then let it burst again in the final bar of the song and finished it abruptly, but ever so perfectly.
I sat back down in my chair after the long and mostly instrumental jam that just took place. Matt simply sat on the floor even though his chair was hardly a couple feet away. Octavia put the cello back on its stand, leaned the bow against it and stood up to stretch. Paul had done the same while almost tripping over his drum stool and the snare in the process. A slow clap of hooves could be heard over the PA.
“Bravo, you crazy, music-playing motherbuckers, bravo!” Vinyl said.
“Thanks Vinyl!” The four of us shouted in hopes it would reach some of the microphones so she would hear.
“What I’m gonna do with this track now is edit out all the little bits where I can hear you guys talk and do some audio mixing so all the levels are all good and you guys can look back on this as your first proper jam session!” Vinyl said cheerfully.
“Cool stuff, Vinyl.” I said into the mic “So what are you now, our producer?”
“Maybe, I charge though.”
“How much?”
“Well, it’s not in bits you see; it’s more along the lines of alone time with the feminine one in your group.”
“Oh, you mean Paul?” Matt asked.
"Well obviously that's who she means!" I replied.
“Yeah, that makes sense, cuz it's obviously not Octavia.”
“Oh yeah, she's definitely not the feminine one. It's gotta be Paul.”
“Yeah, Paul's totally the bitchy, whiny one, so it's gotta be him.”
“Screw you!” Paul shouted as he sat back down behind the drums.
“Well… I did mean Octavia… But he’ll do fine I suppose…” Vinyl chuckled.
“Goddamnit Vinyl!!” Paul shouted.
The rest of the day continued on with a lot of band practice mainly of songs we had performed in Canterlot rather than new original songs that I had. No one seemed to mind however. Our session in the studio started at around 9 am and finished at 5 pm. Needless to say, we were all beat at the end of it. All of us went to bed straight away except for Vinyl who liked the studio and wanted to stay a little longer. We left her to her devices and each went off to bed. It was far too early for bed as far as time went. But our bodies all had other plans.
As I lay in my bed for the few minutes before losing consciousness I thought of how I would really hate if all of this was some insanely long dream that was incredibly vivid and I woke up from it now. I dismissed the thoughts however because I knew this was real. There was no illusion about this place. It’s real. I’m here. And I fuckin’ love it...
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 17 - Fashion Victim
* * *
Author's Note:
The real-life Paul would like to inform everyone that you must read his lines in a British accent. That is all.
* * *
The next morning Paul got up still asleep as he headed downstairs for some breakfast. As he passed Jimmy’s room, he decided to check if Jimmy was awake.
“Jimmeh…” Paul said groggily “Hey Jim… Wake up… It’s… Afternoon…” Paul knocked on the door with a lazy, but hard hand. The door opened and a barrage of shoes hit Paul not-so lightly on his head and body. The door then slammed shut.
“Thank you, come again.” Paul said in an imperfect Indian accent as he started to stumble his way down the rest of the hallway to the stairs.
When he reached the kitchen and opened the fridge, he decided this morning’s breakfast would be some of the cake left over from the party last night. As he munched on the generous slice of cake he had cut himself, his plan for today started to come back to him. Today he was invited by Rarity to go to the spa with her. He would have some quality time with his favourite pony. As he finished his slice of cake, he put his dishes in the sink and went back upstairs to get his iPod and backpack with a towel and his swim trunks. After retrieving those items, he put on his jacket from next to the front door and headed outside. Today was gonna be good already. Cake for breakfast. Sun was shining. Hardly any clouds, that was probably because of Rainbow Dash. In any case, everything was pointing towards being a good day.
Paul walked down the streets of Ponyville smiling and greeting the ponies he recognised from the show as he walked to Carousel Boutique with death metal blaring through his headphones. He reached Carousel Boutique after a few minutes and knocked on the door. He turned off his music and waited for Rarity to answer the door. As he slipped his iPod back into his pocket, a small white unicorn with a light purple and pink mane and light green eyes answered the door.
“Hi, you must be Paul!” The young unicorn said “I’m Sweetie Belle, Rarity’s sister. Come on in!” She continued as she opened the door more for Paul to come inside.
“Hello Sweetie Belle, nice to meet you.” Paul replied smiling as he entered the boutique.
“Rarity’s almost ready, she’ll be down in a minute.” Sweetie said as she sped off into the kitchen before Paul could ask her any questions. He stood there for a moment remembering the episode where Sweetie ‘made’ breakfast and had a vision of him and Rarity coming back to the boutique to find it in flames. He shrugged it off and walked around the boutique.
“Hmm…” Paul said as he looked around at the several dresses on display. One dress caught Paul’s eye. It was a purple and silver dress that was adorned with many amethyst stones and what seemed to be fur around the fringes. He was about to feel the fringe to see if it was fur or fabric when he heard a voice greet him.
“Good afternoon Paul!” Rarity said as she came down the stairs “Sorry to keep you waiting, my dear.”
“It’s alright Rarity, are you ready to go?” Paul asked. Rarity simply nodded and they headed out of the boutique. Paul looked worriedly at the kitchen as they left hoping Sweetie didn’t burn down the place. Out of the corner of his eye as he looked away he could’ve sworn he saw the filly look out to make sure they had left. As they walked, Paul had an uneasy feeling that something bad would happen at the boutique. He didn’t trust Sweetie very much. But then again, why didn’t Rarity seem worried? If she wasn’t worried, he shouldn’t be either.
“What’s the matter, Paul?” She asked.
“Oh, nothing.” He replied trying not to look worried about anything.
“So Paul, I’ve been meaning to ask you about the fashion you saw while you were in Canterlot. What did you think of it?” She asked looking very curious about what he had to say.
“Well… It was all very… Formal.” He replied “You have to be a little more specific. What do you want to know?”
“Everything.” She said.
“Oh boy.” Paul sighed “Where do you want me to start?”
“Well… I suppose you could tell me which designer made your clothes! Yes, that would be a good start.” Rarity replied.
“Err, well… See, all the clothes I have right now are clothes I had on Earth.” Paul started “When I was transported here by… Whatever I was transported here by, all my clothes were packed in my suitcase, so I didn’t need to have anypony make clothes for me. Also, my clothes aren’t custom made, they’re just, uh, store-bought. If you know what I mean.”
“Ah, I see. Do you know that I made all the clothes in Matt and Jimmy’s wardrobe?” Rarity asked.
“Wait, seriously? Wow, that’s awesome!” Paul exclaimed “I knew you made that one shirt that Jimmy wore when we performed in Canterlot, but… Wow, that’s really cool. You did a great job on their clothes, Rarity!”
“Thank you, my dear.” Rarity chuckled “That being said, if you ever need any clothes made, don’t hesitate to come ask me, alright?”
“Sure thing.” Paul replied.
“Tell me, Paul, did you meet any of the upper-crust ponies while you were in Canterlot?” Rarity asked looking as curious as ever.
“I did see a couple that Octavia pointed out to me… Who were they…”
He then proceeded to tell Rarity all about the upper-crust ponies he had seen while in Canterlot. She was quite intrigued that Paul had been given compliments by Fancy Pants who very much enjoyed Paul’s music. She had many questions about the other upper crust ponies and fashion which lasted until they reached the spa which was a fifteen minute walk due to the slow pace at which they were walking.
“Well, looks like we’re here.” Paul said as they arrived at the spa “Right on time too.” Paul said looking at his watch. It was 2 pm.
“Shall we?” Rarity said motioning her hoof to the door.
“Certainly.” Paul replied as he opened the door for Rarity and they walked inside. The walls of the lobby were dark blue. Many potted plants were placed throughout the lobby. There was a small green couch by a purple table with some magazines on it. Behind the desk sat a blue pony with a pink mane.
“The usual for me and my friend, please.” Rarity said to the receptionist. A wide smile came across the receptionist’s face and she nodded. Rarity motioned to Paul to follow her to the changing rooms. Paul went into the men’s room and Rarity followed Paul into the sauna. Rarity was now in a robe with her name on it and Paul in his swim trunks. Paul thought now would be a good idea to change the subject from fashion and high-end ponies. He wasn’t sure how much more he could talk about that field as he had exhausted what little knowledge he had of the fashion world and celebrity ponies in Equestria.
“So, Rarity,” He started “What kind of music do you like?”
“Well, I do like the type of music you play with Jimmy.” She replied “But I do like classical music and slower songs a lot.”
“Cool.” Paul said thinking about some music on his iPod that she might like.
“What kind of music do you like?” Rarity asked.
“Well, a better question for me would be what music I don’t like.”
“Okay, then, what music don’t you like?”
“I don’t like ‘music ’ where the singer’s voice is changed using a computer to try and make them sound better.” Paul stated “Or ‘music ’ that is supposedly ‘dance ’ or ‘entertainment music ’ that’s played over the radio all the time when it should really just be in clubs where it belongs. I think that music should be artistic rather than just for ‘entertainment’ purposes.”
“I think I know what you mean.” Rarity replied “Electronic music isn’t very good most of the time in my opinion.”
“Well, I guess that’s your opinion. But see, I’m not saying I don’t like electronic music, because I do. What irritates me is when ‘music ’ is made for the sake of entertainment rather than art. That’s what I don’t like.”
“I see, well, I suppose I can agree with that.” Rarity said at last “Tell me, where did Fancy Pants see you perform?”
“It was at some really high-end restaurant in Canterlot, I can’t remember the name right now, I’ll have to ask Octavia...”
“Oh, that’s the other thing I wanted to know about.” Rarity started “How did you meet Octavia and Vinyl exactly?”
“Well…”
Paul awoke suddenly to the sensation of water rushing rapidly over his face and upper body. He sprung up and gasped for air looking around for what just did that to him.
“Lenny!!!” Paul yelled with his eyes still half-closed “Fuck you!!! I told you not to do that again y-” He looked up at the grey unicorn and white pegasus standing over him. “WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!” Paul screamed as he tried to get up to run away. Something grabbed his legs and Paul fell on his face.
“Hey!! Lemme go!! I’m not here to hurt anypony!! I just woke up here!! I don’t even know how I got here!!” Paul yelled in an attempt to get the guards to leave him alone. The unicorn’s horn was glowing and so were Paul’s legs.
“Yeah? Well you’re gonna remember how you left for sure.” The unicorn guard said levitating him into the air along with a suitcase, a cajon, a backpack and a drumstick case. All of which Paul recognised as his own “Come on, let’s get this… Thing… Out of here.”
“Err, Sarge?” the pegasus started “Shouldn’t we at least show the Princess what we found? I mean, look at it. That’s not a creature I’ve ever seen bef-”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were the new chief of security. Here I was thinking that I was the one who gave the orders, sorry, guess I better follow your orders , private. No, you obey my orders! And my order is to come with me to throw this trash out the front gate.”
“Yes sir!” The pegasus replied. Following the unicorn out of the garden.
“Put me down!! Help!!!! Stranger danger!!! STRANGER DANGER!!!!” Paul yelled as the unicorn levitated Paul above him.
Octavia stormed out of the ballroom with her cello in its case on her back. A colt called to her.
“OCTAVIA!!! GET BACK HERE NOW!!! IF YOU DON’T GET BACK HERE, DON’T BOTHER COMING TO REHEARSAL SUNDAY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!?! YOU BUCKING FILLYFOOLER!!! GET BACK HERE!!!” The colt yelled to her. Octavia paid it no attention and walked on.
“I have HAD IT with that uptight, no-good, lying, son of a…” Octavia ranted to herself. She stopped as she saw two guards walking along with what Octavia recognised as a human.
“LET ME GO GODDAMNIT!!!” The human yelled. He was flailing his arms around and managed to hit a small rectangular case with his left arm. A black and red drumstick dropped out of the case and hit the floor “HEY!!! HEY!!! CAN WE GO PICK UP MY DRUM STICK AT LEAST?!!? I’M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT!!!”
“Hey… A human musician…” Octavia thought out loud. Something clicked in Octavia’s mind. Something told her this human might be useful, she wanted somepony to play music with. This human just might be the one to do it with.
“YES.” She said as she galloped after the guards “Hey wait up!” Octavia shouted. The guards turned around to see a grey earth pony wearing a pink bow tie with a large instrument case and black saddle bags strapped to her back.
Paul stopped flailing around for a moment to see a grey earth pony trotting up to the guards. He took a moment to recognise the pony, but when he did, all he could let out was a small yelp of brony excitement.
“Where are you taking him?” Octavia asked.
“He’s trespassing ma’am, don’t worry, we’re just taking him outside.” The unicorn replied.
“You’re not taking him anywhere because he’s not trespassing. He’s my guest here.”
“Really?” Asked the unicorn. He levitated Paul down to his eye level “Where’s your pass?”
“I have it.” Said Octavia. She reached into her saddlebags and pulled out a golden piece of paper “I forgot to give it back to him earlier.” The pegasus took it in his hoof and examined it, he nodded to his sergeant who then gently set down Paul and his belongings.
“Sorry about that ma’am, and sir. Have a good night.” The sergeant unicorn said as he walked away with the pegasus private in tow.
“Are you alright?” Asked Octavia who extended her hoof to help Paul off his backside.
“My head’s buzzing and I’m soaked, but other than that I’m frickin’ dandy.” He said taking Octavia’s hoof and standing up. As he stood up he hugged her. “Thank you so much! I don’t know what they were gonna do if they got me further away.”
“It’s no problem. I’m Octavia.” She said extending her hoof again.
“I’m Paul, nice to meet you.” He replied taking her hoof, again.
“Where are you staying tonight, Paul?”
“I kinda just… Got here… And I don’t know how. All I know is one minute I was in my flat in England, next thing I know, I’m in Canterlot sleeping in the Castle Garden.”
“England?”
“Oh right, you wouldn’t know about there because… Yeah… Say, did humans ever exist in this world?”
“Yeah, but, that was thousands of years ago, why?”
“Well, that makes sense. Okay, I’m just trying to figure out if I’m in another world entirely or I’m in the future. Wait a minute, what the hell am I talking about? This is obviously a dream, I mean, ponies? Really? Nice try, subconscious! I’m gonna wake up now and all this will be gone! Watch this!” Paul stood with his eyes shut tightly in front of Octavia who was giving him the best ‘are you fucking kidding me’ look she could muster.
“So, how’s that waking up working out for you?” She asked. He opened his eyes.
“Hmm… So this isn’t a dream?” He asked.
“No, trust me, it isn’t.” She replied.
“Huh, well, back to your place then? Or mine?”
“I suppose mine. You know, since you don’t have a place.”
“Oh… Right.”
Paul picked up his belongings and followed Octavia out of the castle through the surprisingly busy streets of Canterlot to Octavia’s apartment.
“Well, here we are.” Octavia said opening the door. Paul walked inside. The apartment reminded Paul of Monica’s apartment from the TV show Friends. All of the décor and colour schemes were almost the same.
“BUCKING HA- Oh, hey Octavia.” A white unicorn said looking up from a magazine with a mare in lingerie on the cover with bold letters spelling ‘PC’. She looked over more to see a human standing next to her “Woah, Octavia, listen, I told you to stop hanging out with that Doctor colt for a reason. What’s with the human?”
“I wasn’t ‘hanging’ with anypony Vinyl. I had just finished resigning my position in that stupid group of ‘musicians’ when I saw Paul here being dragged out of the castle.” Octavia replied.
“It’s true.” Paul said. Suddenly, his eyes focused on a bowl of chocolates sitting on the dining table. He darted to them immediately and started helping himself to them.
“Anyway, yes, I felt it necessary to help him as the guards clearly didn’t know what he was and were just going to throw him off the castle grounds. I couldn’t allow that to happen, so…” Octavia finished as she looked at Paul chowing down on the bowl of chocolates.
“Huh, so that’s story.” Vinyl said standing up “Well, as far as I remember, humans have been extinct for what? Two thousand years?” She walked over to Paul and snatched a chocolate out his hand “How’d you get here?” She said unwrapping the chocolate and eating it.
“I really don’t know…” Paul said taking another chocolate “All I know, is that I fell asleep in my apartment after an awesome dorm party. Next thing I know, I’m in the Canterlot castle garden being dragged away by royal guards.”
“So, what do we do with him?” Vinyl asked Octavia “If I wake up tomorrow to royal guards at the door…”
“You won’t, Vinyl. Don’t worry about it. He’s no threat to anypony. He’s completely harmless, look.” Octavia said pointing a hoof to Paul who had his face in the bowl of chocolates.
“Shaid whuh?” Said Paul with a faceful of chocolate. Vinyl sighed.
“Alright, I guess he can stay with us until he finds a way back home or whatever.” Vinyl said “Anyway, I’m going ba-” She looked at the wooden box that sat by the door. “What is that?” She asked.
“That’s a cajon.” Paul replied holding the now empty bowl of chocolates.
“A what-on?” Vinyl asked with a blank expression. Paul got up from the table and sat on the cajon and started hitting it in a rhythmic pattern, creating a catchy beat and seemingly complicated fills for just two hands on a box. As Paul finished his demonstration of what the cajon was for. Vinyl clapped her hooves together.
“Very nice, very nice. Say, do you play drums?” Vinyl asked.
“Yes, yes I do, why?” Paul replied. A grin formed across Vinyl’s face and she looked to Octavia.
“Ahh, that’s why you rescued him from the guards.” She said grinning.
“That’s not the only reason! He was in trouble and needed help!” Octavia said defending herself.
“I’m 18 and what is this?” Paul asked.
“Alright, see, Octavia’s wanted to form something of a band for a little while now. Hence why she just quit her position in her orchestra.” Vinyl stated.
“Once again, Vinyl, that’s not the only reason.” Octavia interjected.
“And because her conductor was a total dick, but that’s not important.” Vinyl said so that Octavia wouldn’t interrupt again “So, I’m guessing once she saw something linking to you being able to play percussion of some kind, she decided to help you out.”
“Paul, please don’t be mad at me, tha-”
“It’s okay Octavia.” Paul interrupted “I’ve wanted to form a band too, actually. Also, you were kind enough to bring me into your home, so I don’t really mind if I’m just being used as a living metronome.”
“That’s not what you are Paul, don’t worry. I would’ve rescued you from those guards regardless of whether you played an instrument or not. Either way, I’m sorry my motives for saving you come off as… Shallow. Do you accept my apology?”
“Yes, Octavia, I do.” Paul said giving Octavia a smile.
“Ooohhhhh-kaaaaaaaayy, so, I’m just gonna go to bed now because, yeah. With your arrival, you’ve indirectly killed off role-play night.” Said Vinyl about to get up from her seat.
“I love role-playing games!” Paul exclaimed “What game were you gonna play?” Vinyl raised an eyebrow.
“Err… Paul, I don’t think we’re on the same level here. What I’m talking about is Octavia here getting into her sexy maid outfit or sexy school girl outfit so we ca-”
“AGH!! OKAY!! OKAY!! I GET IT!! IT’S ALRIGHT!! I DON’T NEED DETAILS!!”
“Aw, but the details are the best part!” Vinyl said moving one of her hooves down Octavia’s side which made Octavia jump a little and blush “This one time, she w-”
“I’M GOING TO BED NOW. WHICH ROOM WON’T YOU BE HAVING SEX IN, PLEASE GUIDE ME TO IT NOW OCTAVIA.” Paul said a bit louder than he had intended.
“Paul, I don’t think you understand, Octy here likes it everywh-”
“I AM GOING TO THAT BEDROOM.” Paul said walking directly past Vinyl and going through a light blue door.
“Five… Four… Three… Two… One…” Vinyl counted. Paul stormed out of the room as if he was on cue and shut the door.
“I AM GOING IN THE OTHER BEDROOM.” He stated walking across the living room to the next bedroom and shutting the door behind him.
“Vinyl, did you really have to take out all the toys and arrange them on the bed like that?” Octavia asked.
“Of course I did, you take waaaay too long to pick them anyway, so I figured I’d just put them all there, y’know?” Vinyl said “Anyway, my sexy little maid,” She said moving her hoof to Octavia’s behind “You know the drill.”
“… So yeah, that’s how I met Octavia and Vinyl.” Paul said concluding his story as he walked out of the spa with Rarity.
“That was an… Interesting, story.” Rarity stated “Are they like that… All the time?”
“Well, pretty much. Vinyl really doesn’t mind talking about her sex life, or showing off evidence of it for that matter…”
“Interesting…”
The two walked and talked about how Paul had been settling into life in Ponyville so far and how business had been for Rarity. They finished talking when they reached Carousel Boutique.
“Paul, you wouldn’t mind spending a little more time with me, would you?” Rarity asked.
“No, not at all, what do you have in mind?” Paul replied.
“Well it is about time for tea, so… Tea?”
“Sounds good.” Paul replied smiling “Will there be chocolate?”
“I’m quite sure I have some, yes.” Rarity replied with a chuckle as she opened the door. The two walked inside “Hmm… Odd… Why would Sweetie have all the lights of-”
“SURPRISE!!!!” Shouted several ponies as the lights turned back on. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Twilight, Spike and Sweetie Belle all stood behind a table. The boutique was covered in party decorations. In front of them was a table with food and drink and a cake that said “Happy birthday Rarity!” on it. On another nearby table was a chocolate fountain and a large bowl containing strawberries and other sliced-up fruit.
“Surprise!!” Shouted a grey, wall-eyed pegasus who popped out behind the group a bit later than the rest.
“Wh-wh-wh-huh?” Said Rarity who was still in shock.
“Happy burf-day Rarity!” Said the grey pegasus who flew over and hugged Rarity, almost tackling her to the ground. Paul was also in shock still from the surprise and from the grey pegasus who was next to him. It was Derpy.
“Isn’t this great Rarity?” Pinkie asked “Look! You’ve got cake, cupcakes, muffins, your three favourite Pinkie punches, and look! Even a chocolate fountain!” Rarity was still speechless and Paul seemed to have been frozen in place. He hadn’t moved a muscle since the ponies jumped out and yelled ‘surprise’.
“Woohoo! Party time!” Said Derpy who flew over to a record player, knocking the chocolate fountain off the table it sat on and into the air landing on a purple and silver dress “Oops, my bad…” Derpy said after turning on the music.
“Buh-buh-dr-hu-sh-dh-df-ah-ohhhhh…” Rarity said as she looked at the now chocolate covered dress. Suddenly Rarity fell to the ground, out cold. Paul snapped out of his frozen condition and looked to the dress.
“Ooh… Chocolate…” Paul said dipping his fingers into the chocolate and licking his fingers. He looked back to the ponies standing behind the table who were in complete shock at what just happened.
“What? You guys want some?” He asked. He then looked at what exactly was covered in chocolate and noticed it was a dress. “Oh… Oh… Crap.” This was not good. Rarity’s dress was ruined. They couldn’t just leave it as it was. It was beyond washing at this point. A plan formulated in Paul’s head as the other ponies and dragon snapped out of their frozen state. Spike ran over to the unconscious Rarity and tried to wake her.
“Leave her lie!” Paul said to Spike sharply.
“But… But what if she’s hurt?!” Spike asked.
“She’s not hurt, she’s just fainted from stress.” Paul said walking to the center of the room “Now everypony, I have a plan. We’re gonna fix this dress for Rarity.”
“How are we gonna do that? I mean... We’re not fashion designers…” Twilight started “We can’t make her a new dress! That dress occupied Rarity this whole week!”
“Well, that’s the only option we have.” Paul replied “Unless you really think we can wash this dress and pretend nothing happened.” He said pointing to the chocolate dress that Pinkie was licking. Paul turned to look at Pinkie and then tried to look away but found himself turning to look at her again “Pinkie, now is not the time for that.”
“Awww, come on…” She said walking away from the dress with her face covered in chocolate.
“Anyway. Back to the problem at hand.” Paul said attempting to take some kind of leadership, he turned to Spike “Spike, as far as I’m concerned, you’re good at finding gems, yes?”
“Yeah, but, not nearly as good as Rarity.” Spike replied “She has a spell which she uses to find them...”
“Twilight, do you know the spell?” Paul interrupted as he turned to Twilight.
“Well, yes, I do know it, but…”
“Excellent. Twilight, Spike, I need you two to go gem hunting for a while. We are looking for amethysts and diamonds, bring back all the gems you can of course, but those are the ones we specifically need.” Twilight and Spike nodded accepting their orders.
“Fluttershy.” Paul said a bit too sharply, making her jump a little bit “You’re good at stitching and have almost as much knowledge of it as Rarity, yes?”
“Well, umm, yes, but I’m sure Rarity is far better th-”
“Fluttershy, Rarity can’t help us right now. We need you to help us make this dress. Please Fluttershy?”
“I’ll… Okay.” She said softly.
“Anything I can do to halp?” Derpy asked waving a hoof in the air.
“Derpy, your job is one of the most important jobs out of all of these.” Paul stated giving Derpy a smile “Once we take Rarity upstairs, I need you and Sweetie Belle to make sure she stays in that room until we’ve completed the new dress. Okay?”
“Yes sir!” Derpy said loudly raising her hoof to salute Paul, hitting the table in the process.
“Now, that’s every-” Paul was interrupted by Pinkie loudly clearing her throat.
“Not every pony.” Pinkie said sounding quite disappointed.
“Everypony except Pinkie.” Paul finished his interrupted sentence “You are gonna stay here with me. We have to dispose of the, err, evidence.” He said pointing to the chocolate dress that Derpy was now eating. Paul didn’t bother telling Derpy to stop, he didn’t have the heart to upset her.
“Also Pinkie, you’re going to help me look for the concept art for this particular dress once we’ve finished cleaning up.” Paul stated.
“Woohoo! Operation Fix-Rarity’s-Dress-And-Make-It-Look-Like-Nothing-Happened is ready to go!” Pinkie shouted.
“Pinkie, I’d refrain from shouting right now. You know, make sure Rarity stays unconscious? Would be a good thing.”
“Whoops, sorry!” Pinkie said softly.
“Alright everypony, let’s get moving! We’ve only got a little while before she wakes up!” Paul said. Twilight and Spike left Carousel Boutique to go find gems for the dress. Fluttershy went to Rarity’s ‘inspiration’ room to gather cloth and other things they would need for the dress and to look for the dress design. Pinkie decided to handle evidence disposal by herself. Paul picked up Rarity with little difficulty and took her upstairs to her bedroom and lay her down on her bed. Derpy and Sweetie Belle followed.
“Okay guys, if she wakes up and I haven’t come up here to tell you the dress is finished, you have to keep her occupied. I don’t know how, but either keep her unconscious or occupied. I honestly don’t mind which as long as she doesn’t come downstairs before the dress is finished. Alright?”
“You can count on me!” Derpy said a bit too loudly for Paul’s liking. Derpy then sat on the floor at the foot of Rarity’s bed silently watching Rarity closely with her good eye.
“Umm, Paul, can I ask a question?” Sweetie asked.
“Sure you can. You just did.” Paul said with a smile, Sweetie simply ignored Paul’s comment and motioned him to come closer.
“Why do I have to stay here with her?” She whispered pointing to the grey mare seated at the foot of Rarity’s bed.
“Because, I doubt Rarity will listen to Derpy on her own. You’re her sister, she’s far more likely to listen to you.” Paul started “Also, Derpy can’t mess this job up. I don’t want to hurt her feelings by telling her not to do anything, so, I gave her a job that requires her to do nothing, get it? Anyway, just stay here with Derpy for a while. Hopefully the dress will be finished soon and everything can be back to normal, okay?”
“Okay…” Sweetie sighed. Paul left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Paul walked downstairs to find Fluttershy with several rolls of fabric, pins, needles and anything else she would need to make this dress.
“Excellent, you’ve got all the mateirials. You found the design too?” Paul asked.
“Oh yes, it was right on top of all this stuff.” Fluttershy replied.
“Wait really? It was all conveniently in one pile?” Paul asked looking quite surprised at how convenient that was. He half expected them to spend at the very least a half hour looking for the design.
“Yes, to be honest, I was a little surprised too.”
“Well, that’s good. Anyway, where’s Pinkie Pie?”
“Right here!” Pinkie said appearing in front of Paul and Fluttershy “Chocolate disposal has been taken care of!” She said with a salute.
“Good, good.” Paul asked. Then a thought crossed his mind. This was Rarity’s birthday party. Surely there had to be more guests. Where were they? A knock on the door. Paul answered it. Standing in the doorway was Applejack, Rainbow Dash and Jimmy in the center of them wearing a purple hat with a golden feather on it, a purple striped suit and white leather shoes. He had one arm around Applejack and one around Rainbow Dash and in one hand he held a long wooden cane that had a golden, circular handle at the top.
“Please make way for The Great Pimp-King Swagrid’s entrance, if you would peasant.” I stated as Paul looked at me completely speechless in my presence. He stepped out of the way slowly to allow the three of us in.
“Oooh! Your outfit is totally awesome Jimmy!” Pinkie said bouncing over to me.
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid believes that you did not hear his name the first time he said it. The Great Pimp-King Swagrid proclaims that his name is The Great Pimp-King Swagrid.” I replied.
“Oh, we’re role-playing! Okay Swagrid, your outfit is great!”
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid proclaims that you must say The Great Pimp-King Swagrid’s full name when you address him.”
“Okey-dokey-lokey The Great Pimp-King Swagrid’s full name!” Pinkie giggled as she bounded over to Fluttershy who didn’t look the slightest bit surprised at all.
“Alright sugarcube, joke’s up.” Applejack said moving away from me. Rainbow followed suit leaving me a hoe-less pimp “Say, where is everypony?”
“A better question would be where Rarity is.” Said Rainbow Dash.
“Rarity is unconscious. She fainted from stress.” Paul stated “Derpy, knocked a chocolate fountain onto one of her dresses and Rarity fainted.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” Dashie stopped Paul “Derpy is here? Why ?”
“I told her about the party!” Pinkie said cheerfully.
“Ugh… Alright, well, where is she now?”
“She’s upst-”
“Reporting for dooty!” Derpy said loudly flying down the stairs, somehow, she tripped on one of the steps and fell onto the floor.
“Oh my goodness, are you okay?” Fluttershy asked flying over to Derpy.
“I’m okay! I’m okay!” Said Derpy as she sprung to her hooves “Sweetie said she heard you calling for me.”
“I…” Paul held back what he was about to say. Goddamnit Sweetie, couldn’t you have just kept her with you? He thought to himself .
“Yes, yes I did. I figured that Sweetie could manage Rarity on her own, so you can stay down here with us, is that okay?” Paul said with his left eye twitching.
“Okay!” Derpy replied happily trotting over to the food table for some muffins.
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid asks why you couldn’t just wash the dress.” I stated, still fully in character.
“Trust me, there was no way in hell that was fixable.” Paul replied. There was a knock on the door. Paul opened the door again to find Matt with Octavia and Vinyl.
“Tally ho there, chap!” Said Matt “We’re from Celestia’s witness, do you have our lord and saviour jeebus in your life?”
“No, but get inside already you twat.” Paul said motioning for them to come in “God, Pinkie organises a surprise party and half of you show up late.”
“Actually, you and Rarity were just early.” Pinkie said eating a whole cupcake in one bite. Another thing was added to Paul’s list of things to be stressed about.
“So… Where’s the birthday mare?” Vinyl asked.
“Unconscious due to stress because Derpy accidentally a dress. Now we're making a new dress to fix this big mess.” I said, coming out of character for a brief moment.
“Alright, Zecora .” Chuckled Matt.
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid asks who the hay this Zecora is that you speak of.”
“Never mind, you’ll meet her sometime soon.” Paul interjected sharply “Anyway! Where the hell is Twilight? I just want this dress to be finished already so we can carry on normally and we can stop being so STRESSED ABOUT EVERYTHING!” Everyone and pony gave Paul a bit of a confused look. He was the only one stressed about the whole situation.
“Take a frickin’ chill pill man.” Vinyl said putting a hoof on Paul’s shoulder “They’ll be back any moment now from… Whatever they’re doing… Wait, what are they doing? No cheesy rhymes this time, okay The Great Pimp-King Swagrid?”
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid proclaims he won’t rhyme the situation to anypony.” I stated with a hint of sadness at not being allowed to rhyme anymore.
“They’re off getting some gems, for this dress’s hems…” Matt said stifling laughter. Vinyl shot him an ‘I’m going to brutally murder you with your own genitalia’ look to which Matt responded by hiding behind a very confused Derpy who was still eating muffins at the food table. Another knock on the door. Paul stormed over to the door.
“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU B-” Paul looked to see a pony standing at the door who was neither Twilight or the new Rainbow Dash, but a mailcolt.
“Umm, good evening, I have this telegram for a, err, Miss Rarity? Is sh-” Paul snatched the telegram from the mailcolt and slammed the door.
“I’ll just put this over here and we’ll forget about it.” He said resting the letter on a table near the door. “Now, if I may ask politely: WHERE THE FUCK ARE TWILIGHT AND SPIKE!?!?!?” Another knock at the door. Paul threw the door open.
“WHO THE FUCK ARE Y-” He stopped himself again as he saw Twilight and Spike standing in the doorway with a wagon filled with amethysts and diamonds. A book levitated in the air by Twilight’s side.
“Umm… We… Got the gems?” Twilight said nervously.
“GOOD!” Paul yelled getting behind the confused gem-hunting pair and pushing them inside “FLUTTERSHY. NOW. DRESS. DO IT.”
“Umm… Paul?” Fluttershy asked quietly.
“WHAT? WHAT IS IT NOW? EVERYTHING IS SET WE JUST NEED TO DO IT. SO DO IT.” Paul half-but-not-so-half-more-like-three-quarters yelled.
“Umm… This stitching pattern…” Paul bent over and looked Fluttershy in the eyes.
“WHAT. IS. THE. PROBLEM?” Paul said with a crazed look in his eyes.
“Umm… I…” Fluttershy let out a small yelp and also hid behind Derpy who was even more confused than before.
“Err… Muffin?” She asked offering Fluttershy one. Paul seemed to have a mini seizure before regaining his normal composure and stood quietly for a moment.
“Fluttershy… Why can’t you make the dress? Hmm?” He asked with the same crazed look creeping back onto his face as he turned to face Fluttershy.
“Umm… Well… The stitching… It’s too complicated to do with hooves… It would have to be done with magic… I’m sorry…” Fluttershy said sheepishly.
“Great. JUST great.” Paul said, he turned to Twilight “TWILIGHT. YOU’RE ON DRESS DETAIL NOW.”
“Erm… Paul… I don’t know anything about st-” Twilight was interrupted by an angry Paul standing hardly two inches away from her face. “But… In this book there is a spell that lets me clone objects as long as you have all the materials used in the original object. So, we could us-”
“EXCELLENT.” Paul said pushing Twilight over to the table with the dress and the materials for the new dress “PINKIE. THE ORIGINAL DRESS. WHERE IS IT?”
“It’s right there.” Twilight said pointing a hoof to the dress that was sitting on the table with the supplies.
“Oh… Well… GET ON WITH IT.”
“The spell takes a little while to charge up.”
“Oh for th- How long?”
“Ten or fifteen minutes.”
“Ten or--??!!?!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!” Paul yelled “WE DON’T HAVE THAT LONG!! SHE COULD WAKE UP AT ANY MOMENT!!! WE NEED THIS DRESS D-” Paul was cut short by a metal clang. Paul fell to the ground to reveal a white unicorn with a blue mane standing behind him levitating a frying pan in a blue aura.
“Twilight, take all the time you need.” Vinyl said “I thought he’d never shut up, even if I knocked him out. The results were satisfactory though, weren’t they?” Vinyl levitated the frying pan back into the kitchen.
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid asks what you plan to do with our newest addition to our list of unconscious attendees.” I asked.
“I think we can just leave him there. He’s not doing harm to anyone just lying there.” Vinyl looked to Twilight who was still looking at the unconscious Paul on the floor “You gonna start that spell any time soon?”
“Oh, right, sorry.” Twilight said opening the book to the right page. She skimmed through the instructions and her horn started to glow. After about ten minutes of everypony else idling around waiting for the spell to finish, Twilight released a small beam of magic that enveloped the old dress and then took the materials nearby and made the new one. Twilight wobbled a little bit after the spell was complete, but Spike was able to keep her from falling over. Twilight levitated the new dress onto a pony-quin and everyone sighed in relief.
“The Great Pimp-King Swagrid proclaims that we should wake up our unconscious attendees now.” I stated. Everyone nodded in agreement. Vinyl woke Paul by prodding him in the side with her hoof a little bit.
“Wha… Where…” Paul said waking up, he looked around the room and his eyes fell on the new dress that was on the pony-quin “You did it?” Paul asked semi-rhetorically.
“Yep! After Vinyl knocked you on the head, Twilight was able to concentrate on her spell and she used her magic to make the new one!” Pinkie chirped.
“Ohh… Yeah, sorry about that everypony… I was just so scared she would wake up at any moment and find the dress still ruined.” Paul said standing up. Everypony forgave him at once in an almost inaudible fashion.
“I’ll go wake up Rarity now, I guess.” Paul said walking towards the stairs. But just as Paul got to bottom of the stairs there was a loud scream that sounded like the scream of a mare who just had a terrible vision of a dress she was working on meeting a chocolate-covered demise.
“MY DRESS!! DERPY!! AAAAAGHH!!!” Rarity screamed as she woke up scaring Sweetie out of her nap as well.
“Rarity! Calm down!” Sweetie yelled jumping in front of Rarity who was trying to make a beeline for the door “Just stay in bed, you just umm… Had a bad dream! That’s all! Just go back to sleep a-”
“SWEETIE!! MOVE!! I NEED TO GET DOWNSTAIRS NOW!!” Rarity yelled trying to get past the filly.
“But you can’t go!!”
“SWEETIE BELLE, I AM YOUR OLDER SISTER AND YOU WILL DO AS I SAY NOW MOVE FROM IN FRONT OF THE DOOR!!”
“Bu-” Sweetie stopped. She hoped to Celestia that everything would be okay if she let her downstairs. Surely they must be done by now, it’s been at least a couple hours. Sweetie lowered her head and moved out of Rarity’s way. Rarity sped past her sister, out the door and down the stairs.
“Sorry guys…” Sweetie said to herself trailing after Rarity slowly.
“WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS MY DRESS?!?!” Rarity yelled as she flew past Paul onto the main floor. The new dress was on display on a pony-quin and the old dress and some fabric and gems were resting on a table “Wha-Wha-Huh? But… How?”
“We made you a new dress!” Derpy said cheerfully “Everypony halped make it, even I got to halp!” She said smiling.
“Yes, everypony helped in their own little way.” Twilight stated “Fluttershy got the fabric and sewing equipment, Spike and I retrieved more gems for the dress, Derpy and Sweetie made sure you stayed asleep. It was all Paul’s idea, actually.” She said smiling. Rarity turned to Paul.
“You… Pulled everypony together?” She asked.
“Yeah, sure did.” Paul said with a smile. Rarity jumped up and hugged Paul for a moment. Spike gestured to Paul that Spike was watching him.
“Thank you so much everypony! This means so much to me!” Rarity said happily. A chorus of “you’re welcome’s” followed Rarity’s statement.
“And now that that’s out of the way…” Pinkie started.
“PARTY TIME!!” Shouted Paul. Everypony cheered and the party finally got started. While it wasn’t much of a surprise party anymore, it was still one hell of a party. Everypony left at a very late hour. Derpy had left much earlier to get her daughter to bed. All in all, it was a full day for everypony. As we arrived home, I realised I hadn’t seen Matt today until the party.
“Hey Matt?” I asked.
“Yeah?” He replied.
“So, what’d you do today?”
“Well…”
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 18 - Sweet Emotion
Matt awoke from a dream filled with sexy women doing dirty things to Mr. Happy to find himself back in his new reality. One that wasn’t exactly him forgetting to turn off his swag one night and waking up covered in bitches, but one where he was surrounded by ponies. Ponies with whom he was all friends with and enjoyed the company of greatly. He looked up at the ceiling as he lay in bed and remembered today was a day he had planned since he had arrived in Equestria. Yes. Today was the day. He was going to go to Sweet Apple Acres to do manual labour with Applejack. And a perfect day for that it would be. He got out of bed and performed his morning rituals. After those were done, he headed out of his room and into the hallway. As he passed by Jimmy’s room, he had a slight desire to see whether he was awake or not.
“Hark, ye appointed harlot of breakfast-construction!” Matt yelled at the top of his lungs while banging a heavy fist on Jimmy’s door. The door flung open to reveal a light-blue cannon in front of him. Matt’s brain was still not fully functioning as he put his head inside the cannon. His face touched something slightly sticky that smelled good, like cake icing. He licked the substance to find it was indeed cake icing and proceeded to lick it like a dog. Suddenly, he realised he was eating cake with his head stuck inside a cannon. This was not good. He heard a match light.
“OH SHI-” Matt attempted to yell as he was propelled out of the cannon with cake smeared on his face along with streamers and balloons of all colours and other party accessories. He landed on his back at the top of the stairs. The cannon rolled back inside Jimmy’s room and the door shut with a bang. Matt took this as a sign that Jimmy was indeed asleep before he started knocking. Matt stood up and headed downstairs while he licked what he could reach of the cake and icing off of his face. He entered the kitchen, taking a paper towel and wiping off what remained of the delicious cake that he had launched at him. He took an apple from the fridge as he was no longer that hungry and headed out the front door into the streets of Ponyville.
After a good fifteen minutes of walking and several failed attempts to create dubstep with his voice, he reached Sweet Apple Acres. He looked around for a sign of the orange mare he had sought out. He passed by the main house to see a barn in the distance. The barn looked like it had been through a war or two. The barn had scorch marks all over the outer walls and what Matt could see of the inside looked like someone had thrown a couple of grenades into it. Matt walked over to the barn to find Applejack muttering under her breath as she inspected the damage.
“Howdy Applejack!” Matt said cheerfully, Applejack turned to see Matt standing a few feet away from her.
“Howdy Matt! What brings you ‘round these parts?” She replied with a smile.
“Oh, I just wanted to stop by an-” He stopped and looked over the barn for a moment “Whoa, what happened here?”
“Well, Apple Bloom and her friends were trying to find their special talents so they could get their cutie marks and Ah reckon they overheard me complainin’ about all the repairs that have to get done on the barn an’ Ah said it be easier if we jus’ blew it up and started from scratch.” Applejack stated, she gestured a hoof towards one of the large scorch marks “As you can see, they took what Ah said a mite too seriously.”
“Where the hay did they find explosives?”
“Honestly sugar cube; Ah don’t even know. What Ah do know is Ah’m gonna have t’ fix up this thing by mahself while Big Macintosh takes over the apple buckin’ by himself for the next couple days.”
“Sounds like quite a task, anything I can do to help?” Matt asked, Applejack’s mind looked back to the last time she had heard those words and the grey pegasus who had said them to her.
“Well… Ah don’t know sugar cube, Ah’d really rather just handle this one on mah own.”
“Oh, come oooon! You'd be surprised what an advantage having thumbs provides when trying to fix things!” Matt asked in an almost whiny voice “Pleeeeeease?” He asked giving her the best attempt at puppy dog eyes he could muster. Applejack didn’t find the look very convincing, but she figured it would be difficult to sway him from his position on helping her.
“Alright sugar cube, you can help out.” She replied at last.
“Yaaay~” Matt said in his best impersonation of Fluttershy “So, what are we doing first?”
“Well, we may as well start from the outside an’ work our way in. So we’ll start with paintin’ these here walls.” She said lightly kicking some paint cans with a forehoof “Sound easy enough?”
“Eeyup.” Matt replied in his best impersonation of Applejack’s brother. This impersonation came off far better than his previous attempt at Fluttershy. He picked up a can of red paint and brush “So, which wall are we gonna do first then?”
“Ah s’pose we can start on this here wall.” Applejack replied taking a paintbrush in her mouth and dipping it in her own can of red paint. Matt followed suit and started painting the wall.
Three hours had passed by the time the duo had finished painting over all four outer walls of the barn. There were very few words between the two mainly because Applejack’s mouth was occupied with a paintbrush making any conversation very difficult. Matt wasn’t too upset about this, he was still getting to spend time with his favourite pony, but he would’ve greatly appreciated some conversation. Matt sat on a nearby hay-bale taking a breather. Painting was not the most strenuous of maintenance jobs, but the sun was still considerably hot today, which certainly took its toll. Another factor was that Matt wasn’t exactly used to manual labour. He was more of an indoor child. Even though he did have interest in outdoor activities, it didn’t prepare him well enough for this.
“Whew,” Matt gasped “Glad that’s over.” Applejack walked over chuckling.
“Heh heh… Sugar cube, we still got the inside of the barn to fix.” She said gesturing a hoof to the interior of the decimated barn.
“Oh… Right… Fuck.” Matt said flatly, Applejack chuckled again “Can we take a breather before starting that please?”
“Sure thing Matt, scoot over will ya?” She said gesturing a hoof for Matt to move himself over a bit so Applejack could sit next to him “You were awful quiet while we were paintin’. You alright sugar cube?”
“Oh yeah, I’m okay. Just… You had a brush in your mouth, I didn’t want you dropping it and stuff like that.” Matt replied after a very brief pause. Applejack chuckled.
“Alright, I guess that makes sense.” Applejack replied looking up at the clouds. Matt wanted to find out more about Applejack’s past. Like about her parents who had never been mentioned in the show. He recalled the only real backstory ever given about Applejack was in the episode entitled ‘The Cutie Mark Chronicles’ where the Cutie Mark Crusaders went around asking the mane six how they got their cutie marks.
“Say Applejack,” Matt started, Applejack shifted her gaze from the sky to the human sitting next to her “I’ve never heard you talk about your parents… Could you tell me about them?” He asked. Applejack exhaled loudly. Uh oh, Matt thought, sad story time.
“Well… Ah guess Ah could tell you. It’s better that I do rather than keepin’ it to mahself. At least that’s what ev’rypony tells me.” She replied with her eyes now eyeing the ground in front of the two. She looked back to Matt.
“My parents died when Ah was just a little filly.” She stated “Apple Bloom was only a baby when they went, so she couldn’t tell you nothin’ bout them. One morning, I went in their room to wake them up for breakfast. But... They wouldn’t wake up. Ev’rything was okay with them, they were healthy ponies, but… They just wouldn’t wake up that mornin’...” Matt could see tears forming in Applejack’s eyes.
“My God… I’m sorry, I didn’t know, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s okay, we can-”
“No, it’s alright sugar cube…” Applejack said interrupting Matt while her own voice was breaking up “I can talk about it… I’m… Stronger now…”
Applejack took a breath, trying to recompose herself but failing miserably, losing herself in the memory of finding her parents dead that morning so many years ago. It may have been long ago, but that pain would never be healed by time. Matt knew that well. He couldn’t say he knew what it was like losing a parent, but he did know the sorrow death brought. Not necessarily to him, but to other people. Matt put an arm around her neck to console her, as he did, Applejack’s hooves wrapped around his torso and her face connected with his chest. She was sobbing even harder now. Matt didn’t know what to do other than return the hug. He certainly didn’t know what to say to the orange pony to calm her down. When it came to consoling people, or as it were, ponies, who were engulfed in grief; he was about as expert as Derpy was at repairing the town hall’s roof. Maybe in this case not to say anything was the better option however. Applejack’s sobbing became far less frequent now. She finally looked up to Matt.
“Huh,” She started “So much for bein’ stronger.” She said with an obviously broken smile. Matt wasn’t sure whether to laugh at Applejack’s attempt at humour or to do something else. What that something would be he wasn’t exactly sure of either. Applejack broke the embrace and wiped a tear from her eye with a hoof “Sugar cube, let’s talk about somethin’ else… Like you were sayin’ we should’ve.”
“Alright sure, but, why don’t you ask me a question? Seems only fair, doesn’t it?” Matt replied.
“Okay sugar cube,” She started “I know Jimmy’s story on how you ended up here in ‘Questria, but I don’t know yours or Paul’s. Mind tellin’ me your story?”
“Well…”
Darkness. Goddamnit, not again. Just stay asleep for a change. Matt thought to himself as his eyes opened revealing the darkness around him. He felt around his head to put his pillow back underneath it; however there was no pillow there. Fuckin’ hell. He thought. The pillow must’ve fallen onto the floor. He tried reaching his arm over the side of his bed for his hand to be met with a dirt floor at the same level as the rest of his body.
Hmm… Matt thought to himself while bringing his hand down on the dirt twice more. I must say, this dirt feels quite realistic, good job subconscious. Matt opened his eyes again and sat up, looking around at his surroundings. A forest, but this one felt familiar. It was as if he had known it for a long time. At a first glance it reminded him of the woods he had seen at the beginning of the Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask. But there was a distinct difference to these woods. There were many odd plants growing around the trees. Several ominous looking vines grew on the trunks of the surrounding trees and also hung down off of their branches.
“Everfree.” He said aloud “I’m in the Everfree forest.” He stood up observing his new and most likely temporary reality in more detail.
“Nice try brain, I’m not buying it though. This is just a dream.” He said taking a few steps forward. If this is a dream, then I want a tenor saxophone and I want one now. He thought to himself. Suddenly Matt’s foot connected with something solid. He looked down to find a hard leather case on the ground before him. He opened it to find an incredibly shiny tenor saxophone. Accompanying the saxophone were enough reeds to last him a very long time.
“Huh, well then, I want a humanised and horny Rarity standing behind me right now ready to have sex with me for hours and hours.” He said aloud in an attempt to make this wish come true. He turned around and saw no one standing behind him. His heart sank slightly. This feeling did not last long however, he noticed his backpack on the ground just a couple feet from where his head was a moment ago. He opened the bag to find it contained his laptop, power cable and mouse and a change of clothes.
“Subconscious, I don’t think you heard me properly.” He shouted “I said I want a humanised and horny Rarity standing behind me right now ready to have sex with me. Now when I turn around, she better be there!” He paused a moment and turned quickly. He didn’t find a human Rarity. It wasn't Rarity at all. It certainly wasn’t a human either. It wasn’t even a pony. A manticore stared into Matt’s eyes. Matt sighed loudly and unzipped his fly.
"This'll do for now I suppose... Ain't gonna suck itself, big guy. Let's get this over with." Matt said approaching the manticore which let out a deafening roar in Matt's face lowering his hearing to eighty percent for the next six turns.
“Alright, maybe not.” Matt said quietly zipping his fly back up, the manticore let out another deafening roar, showing Matt its incredibly sharp and bloodstained teeth which had bits of flesh still stuck to them. These teeth were surely there because they were all the better to chew him up with. Hearing reduced to sixty percent for the next six turns. Matt jumped back slinging his backpack onto his back while avoiding a claw that swung towards him. He darted past the manticore stopping only for a brief moment to pick up the saxophone case that sat on the ground behind it and continuing his swift retreat.
“OH GOD HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!” Matt yelled as he ran through the forest with the manticore gaining on him “SUBCONSCIOUS I WANT A GUN AND I NEED IT NOW!!!” He shouted in desperation, while searching his pants with his free hand trying to find a gun that wasn’t there. Matt was slowly coming to terms with the fact that this might not be a dream. The wind that blew past him as he ran felt all too real. Everything was far too real for a dream. Then again, everything he was seeing was surely something he would see in a dream. Suddenly Matt tripped on a root that jutted out of the ground, ensnaring his left foot sending him tumbling to the ground face first. As his body collided with the ground, all doubt he was dreaming vanished. He fell. The sensation of the fall surely would have woken him up, but it didn’t. Shaking this thought from his mind, he freed his foot from the seemingly evil tree root that his foot had snagged on and was about to get up when the manticore leaped in front of Matt.
This is how it ends?! Matt thought to himself. I’m in THE REAL Equestria for FIVE FRICKIN’ MINUTES AND I’M GONNA DIE NOW?!!??!
“HELL FUCKIN’ NO!!” Matt shouted as he gave that manticore a right hook to the face. Manticores love right hooks to the face. The manticore recoiled just long enough for Matt to pick up his fallen belongings and start running again. The manticore roared again and continued its pursuit. Matt stopped as he reached a cliff that if he jumped off of it would lead to a very quick death amongst the poison joke flowers that covered the pit. Matt turned to find the manticore walking slowly towards him. Matt turned to look at the bottom of the cliff again. His fate was certainly sealed…
He looked to the sky, the sun shone brightly through the branches and leaves of this area, unlike the place he had woken up in. But it wasn’t that. It was a long vine that hung down just a couple feet’s jump away from the cliff. If Matt could swing on it and jump to the vine that followed it and finally to the other side of the pit, he could escape his certain death with the manticore. It sounded far better to die instantly at the bottom of a pit than being torn apart by a manticore. Matt took a breath. He ran towards the manticore giving it a swift kick to the snout, making it recoil once again. Matt fixated his eyes on the vine in front of him. He turned back around and ran towards the edge of the cliff.
“It’s just a hop, skip and A JUUUUUUUMMMP!!!” He shouted as he leapt from the cliff and grabbing the vine hardly a second later. The vine swung forward towards the next vine. Matt quickly turned to face the manticore and saluted before jumping to the second vine. Finally, Matt jumped to the platform of rock at the high point of his swing on the second vine to victory.
“WOOOOOO!!!” He shouted as he stood up from his jump “Idiiiid it~! Idiiiid it~! Idiiiid it~!” He said to himself in a sing-song manner. The manticore at the other side of the chasm roared loudly, stopping Matt’s celebration for a brief moment as he cowered in fear before noticing the manticore had no way of reaching him.
“Hey! Hey! You mad, faggot?!” Matt shouted back at the manticore, laughing at the manticore’s plight.
“He is surely not glad, so he must be mad.” A voice replied, making Matt jump again. He turned to find a zebra standing behind him watching. Zecora. Matt thought as he pieced together the simple puzzle in his head: Zebra + Everfree Forest + Rhyme = Zecora.
“Oh yeah, he mad.” Matt said as he picked up his saxophone case again and started walking towards Zecora “Say, could you tell me help me point out how to get out of these woods to get me to Ponyville?”
“You are quite far from Ponyville you see. But do not worry about that, just follow me.” She said walking away from Matt. Matt followed Zecora as she escorted him out of the woods. There was no conversation between the two as they were on their route out of the forest. Matt wasn’t entirely sure what to say to her and he felt that Zecora was the same.
After about an hour of walking, the pair reached the outside of the Everfree forest. To Matt’s right was Fluttershy’s cottage. He recognised it immediately and knew what he had to do next.
“Thank you for leading me out of the forest Zecora, sorry I wasn’t much of a talker in there. I’m really… New here.” Matt said to the kind zebra who had led him here. She chuckled.
“Do not worry Matt, I can see that.” She started “I’m sure we’ll meet again and when we do, you will have sought me out, farewell until then…” Zecora said as she vanished back into the woods. Matt tried looking for her, but could not find any trace of the zebra. Something crossed his mind.
“Wait a minute, how the hell did she know my name?” He asked himself out loud. Then he thought to what he had said to her just moments before. He said her name too. She must’ve thought the same.
“Anyway, that’s not important.” Matt said dismissing the thought from his mind “To Fluttershy’s!” He said walking towards Fluttershy’s cottage. He went to knock on the door but he stopped himself.
“Wait, Fluttershy’s very… Shy. How is she going to react to meeting a human?” Matt asked himself. Surely she would retreat upon sight of him. That's pretty likely. Maybe she wouldn’t and she’d ask him if he was lost and then turn into a human and become his girlfriend and they would have hot, steamy sex every day and night. Nah, that wouldn’t happen. Maybe she would tackle him and try to kill him with fire and feed him to her animals after performing some kind of satanic ritual. Nigga, the fuck am I smoking? That wouldn’t happen either! GOD! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! The most likely reaction was for Fluttershy to be afraid. He didn’t want to scare Fluttershy. He turned to walk away from the house but paused.
“Agghhhh fuck it.” Matt said turning back and knocking on the door “She might not even be home.” The door opened and standing in the doorway was Fluttershy’s rabbit Angel.
“Oh no.” Matt said realising just how screwed he was. Matt could see a green health bar in the upper left corner of his vision with his name underneath it. Angel jumped up and performed a sixteen-hit combo of kicks and punches on Matt’s face sending him toppling over the fence behind him and into a bush below.
Matt’s health bar was at sixty percent now. He got out of the bushes after shaving off an extra five percent from his health due to a couple of scratches. He looked around for that poorly named white rabbit. Unless ‘angel’ was supposed to be in the sense of ‘Angel of death’, he couldn’t possibly see why Fluttershy would name that rabbit such a misleading name. He heard a rapid tapping behind him. Angel was standing there with his arms folded staring Matt down.
“Now listen Angel, I do- AGH!!!” Matt was interrupted by a rabbit-pimp-slap to the face followed by a cookbook. Matt’s health was down to forty five percent and the bar’s colour had changed from green to yellow and was flashing dimly.
“Shit’s on like Donkey Kong now son!” Matt yelled as he picked up the cookbook that lay on the ground in front of him. Matt gave a loud battle-cry that made him sound like a member of the Al-Qaeda as he ran towards the rabbit with the cookbook in both hands raised above his head.
After an hour of brawling with the white rabbit, the rabbit was now captured and under the control of Matt. Matt held Angel in front of him by the ears. Matt’s clothes were ruffled and his arms and face bore some small cuts while Angel’s fur was ruffled and was bleeding from the mouth slightly. The cuts Matt had received were from when Angel had called for chicken reinforcements. Matt could’ve sworn he had seen an orange and purple chicken amongst his feathery white attackers. But none of that mattered anymore. He had his enemy firmly grasped in his grip, unable to escape or fight with him anymore.
“Now…” Matt started as he gasped for breath “You listen to me… When Fluttershy comes home… And she sees you like this… Do you know what you’re gonna tell her?” Angel simply looked at him with eyes full of anger.
“Well… You’re gonna tell her… You fell down some stairs… You understand me, motherfucker?” Angel continued to glare at Matt as he nodded slowly. Matt’s health bar was at five percent and was flashing red. The health bar slowly started moving up to six percent once Angel had finished nodding.
“I’m gonna put you down now… And you’re gonna go back inside…” Matt said looking Angel in the eyes. Angel nodded slowly, keeping up his angry glare. Matt placed Angel on the ground cautiously and released his ears. Angel hopped away quickly and slammed the door to Fluttershy’s cottage. Matt let out a sigh of relief and looked over to the chickens who lay on the grass panting.
“Same goes for you motherfuckers… You fuckers all fell down some stairs too…” Matt said as he picked up his belongings and headed down the dirt road to Ponyville…
“… Then I made my way to Sugar Cube Corner and met you guys.” Matt said finishing his story and finishing hammering the last nail into a plank of wood.
“That’s quite a story y’got there sugar cube, you told anyone else that story yet?” Applejack asked.
“No, you’re the first. I guess I’ll tell Jimmy and Paul tonight. In fact, I don’t even know how they ended up here.”
“Well, looks like we’re finished up here.” Applejack said looking around the barn. The barn now looked like it had only been built today. There was no more evidence that there had been a series of explosions inside it in an attempt to destroy the structure. “Thanks fer all yer help Matt.”
“Ahh, no problem AJ.” Matt said smiling “Looks like new in here, doesn’t it?”
“Heh, it sure as sugar does!” Applejack replied “I gotta pay you fer yer troubles, how much do Ah owe ya?”
“What? AJ, nah, come on. You don’t need to pay me for helping you out.”
“Come on now, Ah’m serious, Ah gotta give you somethin’! You helped out a lot today, it would’ve taken me ages to git all this here work done by mahself!”
“AJ, I’m not taking money for helping you out… However…” Matt grinned at Applejack.
“Oh ho ho, I think you know what I’ve got in mind…” Matt said in a smooth voice as he approached Applejack slowly.
"Zap apple jam?" Applejack asked rhetorically.
"HELL YEAH!!" Matt yelled enthusiastically.
“Thanks AJ!” Matt said waving as he went on his way home with his newly acquired apple pies and jar of zap apple jam.
“No problem sugar cube! See ya tonight at Rarity’s!” She replied as she headed back inside the main house. Matt paused as he saw a rainbow form over his head that stopped at the door to the main house. Matt continued walking when he saw that it was just Rainbow Dash and not a pot of gold that suddenly appeared in front of the Apple’s house.
After the fifteen minute walk home, Matt opened the front door to find a very quiet house. Odd. He thought. Matt looked at the watch he had attached to his belt and saw it was a few minutes past four o’clock. Usually Octavia would be in the living room playing piano while Vinyl watched her around this time in the afternoon. He noticed the bag of apple pies and zap apple jam becoming increasingly heavy in his hand. At that moment, he decided he didn’t want to be walking around with it for the whole day and headed to the kitchen.
As he entered the kitchen, the sight that he held before him was one that he obviously was not meant to see. Octavia was standing on her hind legs, pressed against the counter by Vinyl. Both ponies were locked in a very, very passionate kiss as they ran their hooves through each other’s manes.
“Hey guys.” Matt said nonchalantly opening the fridge and depositing the three apple pies inside. It wasn't the first time he had seen the two like this and certainly wouldn't be the last.
He took the peanut butter out of the fridge and was about to put it on the kitchen counter when Vinyl lifted Octavia onto the counter and continued kissing her. Matt paused for a moment before deciding he might be better off making a sandwich on the kitchen table. He took the bread out of the bread box. The bread was nearly swatted from his hand by a stray hoof belonging to Octavia kicked out when Vinyl moved her hoof to Octavia’s flank.
“MATT!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!” Matt heard his own voice call out. He looked to his left shoulder to see a small version of himself dressed in red armour. This tiny clone had horns and bat wings as well as a small dark red trident.
“Making a sandwich…?” He asked the small red clone. The devil Matt flew up to Matt’s face and smacked him with the back of his right hand.
“You retarded or something?!” Devil Matt asked loudly “You have not just one, but TWO women in this house! And you’re making YOURSELF A SANDWICH?!?!”
“But they’re…” Matt pointed to the two mares in the act of making love turning his eyes to them. Matt’s boner was somewhat confused at this point in time “… Occupied.” Devil Matt face-palmed with his right hand and slapped Matt across the face again with the other.
“It’s like you’ve turned gay or something! What happened? That rabbit kickin’ your ass two weeks ago turned you queer? You better speak the fuck up and get those bitches to make you a fuckin’ sandwich right now!”
“Matt, don’t listen to that idiot.” Matt heard another voice like his own coming from his right shoulder. He looked to see a tiny clone of himself dressed in a white tuxedo with angel wings and a halo above his head smoking a pipe while wearing a golden monocle.
“Oh fuck, I thought I tied your stupid ass up!” Devil Matt shouted.
“Tied me up? It’s a wonder you manage to keep your shoes tied if that was what you call a knot!” Angel Matt replied taking a puff from his pipe.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Devil Matt retorted.
“Oh that’s right; you wear Velcro shoes, how silly of me for not remembering.” Angel Matt shot back with a grin. Devil Matt’s body shook in anger, but he then remembered the entity he represented and turned to Matt.
“I DON’T SEE YOU TELLIN’ A BITCH TO MAKE YOU A SANDWICH!” He shouted into Matt’s face.
“Matt, listen to reason:” Angel Matt said hovering in front of Matt’s face “While I do agree with Devil Matt that these mares should indeed be making you a sandwich, this is obviously not the best time. I’m also quite sure you wouldn’t want to have two angry mares against you for interrupting what should be their… Alone time.” Angel Matt stated as Octavia let out a yelp of pleasure. Matt’s eyes glanced to Octavia for a moment and quickly fixated his eyes back on the two apparitions before him.
“What’s it gonna be son?” Devil Matt asked “You gonna be a bitch and make your own sandwich like a bitch? Or are you gonna be MAN and get them to make your fuckin' sandwich?!” Matt exhaled sharply as the two apparitions flew to the shoulders they appeared on.
“Excuse me, ladies…?” Matt asked.
“Oh for God’s sake…” Angel Matt sighed. Matt ignored his angel and looked back to the two mares going at it.
“Could one of you girls…” Matt paused. He wasn’t sure they were even hearing him. And if they were, they surely didn’t care.
“COME ON!!!!” Devil Matt shouted “BE A MAN!!! GET YOUR RIGHTFULLY EARNED SANDWICHES FROM THESE BITCHES!!!”
“Could…” Matt tried again “…One of you girls… You know… Make me a sandwich?” The two mares took no notice of him. Angel Matt sighed loudly putting a hand to his head. Devil Matt just looked at the two mares astounded at how foolish they could be ignoring the order given to them.
“HOW DARE THESE BITCHES NOT LISTEN TO YOU!!!” Devil Matt shouted “ASK THEM AGAIN!!! LOUDER THIS TIME!!!” Matt sighed and took his bread, peanut butter and zap apple jam off the table and exited to the dining room with his head hung in shame leaving Devil Matt and Angel Matt floating in the air where Matt stood. They flew after the clearly distressed Matt to find him making his own sandwich with tears streaming from his eyes. Angel Matt and Devil Matt rested on Matt’s left shoulder.
“Told you.” Angel Matt said putting his pipe in his mouth.
“You’re a real bitch, y’know that?” Devil Matt said “Letting those mares get off so easy…” Matt continued weeping as he made his sandwich. Once his tear-infused-peanut-butter-and-zap-apple-jam sandwich had been created, Matt deposited the ingredients back in the kitchen and sauntered upstairs to his room with his sandwich in hand…
“… And then Vinyl woke me up some time later by prodding me with her hoof telling me to stop being a sleepy bitch and get ready for Rarity’s party.” Matt said finishing his story.
“Huh… Did they ever notice you in the kitchen?” I asked.
“Vinyl says she didn’t, I don’t know about Octavia but… Yeah, whatever, doesn’t matter.”
“Huh, cool story bro, tell it again.”
“Fuck you man, also, where’s your cool story about what you did today?” Matt asked. I paused for a moment contemplating what to tell him exactly. My day was too complicated to put into words. Even telling it out play by play was difficult.
“Well…” I started “Let’s just say I had really fuckin’ weird day. Long story short, I’m not allowed in certain areas of Fillydelphia due to an incident involving Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and large quantities of different herbs and spices combined with fried chicken.” Matt gave me a very concerned and almost frightened look as I finished my sentence.
“Jesus man, what the hell happened?” He asked “Did you meet up with the ghost of Colonel Sanders or something?”
“One might say something like that… Another might say somepony summoned him from the grave… That same other might go on to say it’s the only way we would be able to save the town. Obviously, that certain somepony wasn’t all that correct in their analysis of their situation.” An awkward pause was shared as Matt tried to piece together what exactly could have happened to me this morning as I did the same in my own mind.
“Anyway, g’night!” I said leaving the room. I walked up the stairs to my room and opened the door. A light blue cannon rolled into the doorway. A delicious scent filled the air.
“I smell CAKE FROSTING!” I said diving into the cannon to find the source of this glorious scent so that I may eat it. As my face collided with the cake on the inside of the cannon, I began to munch on it. Suddenly I realised I was stuck head-first inside of Pinkie’s party cannon.
“Oh fuck no… NOT AGAIN!!!” I shouted as I was blasted out of the cannon into the hallway with my face covered in cake and icing.
“DAMMIT PINKIE THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME TODAY YOU’VE DONE THAT TO ME!!!” I shouted to Pinkie who I was sure was somewhere nearby. A light giggle filled the air of the hallway. I sighed and entered my bedroom, the party cannon was no longer present in the doorway and had magically vanished from my room. I closed my bedroom door and decided I was going to need a shower… For the fifth and hopefully final time today... Oh boy…
**AUTHOR'S NOTE**
Sorry about the THREE FRICKIN' WEEK LONG wait for this chapter. Two factors impacted this chapter's release:
Factor 1 - I started writing another fic which I got really caught up in and took up all my inspiration. If you like Star Wars, you WILL like that fic. The minimum knowledge of Star Wars you need for that fic is pretty much just what happened in Revenge of the Sith and The Force Unleashed (or possibly just The Force Unleashed). But yeah, you like Star Wars, you'll like that fic.
*Jedi mind trick* You need to go read that fic now. */Jedi mind trick*
This one I have completely planned out scene by scene, it's just a matter of writing it. So this one I know exactly where I'm going whereas this one I write on the fly and when I have a good idea for a story
Factor 2 - Real-life Matt was going to write some of the plot of this chapter (the Everfree Forest flashback) as well as his dialogue but also had inspiration problems, so he told me in the end to just write the stuff for him.
Anyway, we shan't have any issues like this in the future. I plan to alternate my updates between fics. I hope to get my update time up again to at least once a week, would be nice.
Right, hope you enjoyed this chapter, go check out my other fic, and yeah, until next time!
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 19 - Hitchin' A Ride
I awoke to two hooves playing a catchy beat on my bed. The hooves belonged to Vinyl, obviously. I didn’t have to open my eyes to make sure of this fact. She created a melody of made up of ‘ba’, ‘da’ and ‘dum’ as she drummed. I opened an eye and looked over at the clock on my bedside table. Ten o’clock? Okay, that’s acceptable. I thought to myself. It seems that I wouldn’t have to chastise Vinyl about waking me up early for no reason this morning. That’s unusual. I wonder what inspired her act of kindness.
“Ah good, you’re awake. Breakfast time bitch, come on, get your flank outta bed.” She said as she stopped her singing and drumming. Oh, that’s what inspired it. Hopes of breakfast other than cereal, I see how it is.
“I don’t have a flank; I have a butt or ass, please refer to it properly.” I replied groggily putting my face into the pillow.
“Okay then, get your dumb ass outta bed.” Vinyl replied flatly putting her trademark shades over her eyes and giving me a hard prod on my ‘dumb’ ass “You’re still making me breakfast, so get up already.” I groaned and got up following Vinyl down to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and observed its contents.
“Okay Vinyl, whaddya want?” I asked, she pushed me over slightly and looked through the fridge. She laid her eyes on one of the apple pies. Her eyes widened as did her grin and a blue aura surrounded the pie as she took it from the fridge and sat down at the kitchen table munching away. I was displeased to say the least.
“Wait… You just called me out of my comfortable bed so you could come downstairs and take an apple pie out the fridge? Really Vinyl?” I asked with an irritated tone. Vinyl gave a weak smile and chuckled nervously.
“I… Guess…?” She said like a nervous filly about to sing on stage for the first time “… So? What’re you gonna do?” She asked regaining her normal composure. I opened my mouth to speak, but there was no use arguing. I was already awake, it didn’t matter, I wasn’t going back to sleep because I had spent enough time inside recently. Yesterday wasn’t exactly an indoor day, but I did want to go to a local pub to drown most of the memories of what had happened to me prior to Rarity’s party. Fucking Colonel Sanders… I used to like KFC… Oh God, why…?
“Helloooo? Jimmy? You there?” Vinyl said waving a hoof in front of my face. I snapped out of the memories and looked at the white unicorn flailing a hoof in front of me “Good, thought I lost you. Were you in a war or something? You looked like you were having a flashback to some mortar blast killing your war buddies or something.”
“Oh… No, just… Agh, never mind, it wouldn’t make sense no matter what I told you.” I said sitting down at the table with Vinyl. She levitated a fork over to my side of the table and then levitated her own fork and cut herself a slice of apple pie with it.
“Right, now that we’re eating, I needed to talk to you about something.” Vinyl stated as she took a bite of her pie.
“Which is about something other than food?” I replied with a smirk.
“Surprisingly… Yeah.” She said pausing between her words to take another bite of pie. She put down her fork “I want to get a gig somewhere, for all of us.” She stated.
“Sounds great, but where?” I asked taking a bite of pie. She paused.
“I don’t know yet. When I say all of us I mean I have my DJ stuff and then you have a separate gig with Octy and the guys.”
“Of course.”
“Right, so, I’d be more likely to get something at a club obviously, but you guys wouldn’t. You guys would be most likely to get a gig at a restaurant or bar, my chances aren’t that great for that. That’s mainly because ponies don’t want to have a rave at a regular bar or restaurant. If there was such a place that would be bitchin’ awesome, but I doubt it exists, especially in this town.”
“Indeed, so, what do you want me to do exactly?” I asked stabbing my fork into the pie in front of me and leaving it there.
“Well, just go get a gig for you and Octy and the guys. If you could get one for me, that’d be cool too. But mainly focus on your group.”
“Why focus on just ‘my’ group?” I asked, Vinyl sighed.
“Alright look, I’m gonna have a little bit of a heart-to-heart with you now, and I’m probably gonna sound like a little bitch, but just hear me out:” She stated taking her glasses off and putting her hooves and glasses on the table “Octy hates when she’s not performing. She’s okay when she’s playing her music with you guys and whatever, but she needs to get out there and play for a crowd. When she doesn’t have a gig, it’s like she’s got nothing to live for. Haven’t you noticed she’s been a lot quieter recently and a lot less talkative? Haven’t you been seeing her a lot less as well?” My thoughts went to the story Matt had told me last night and I held back the urge to say ‘Tavi being quiet? That’sh not what Matt shaid about you two when you were in the kitchen with her lasht night.’
“Come to think of it, I’ve hardly seen her all week.” I replied.
“Exactly. You know why?” She asked, I shook my head “Because she’s been in the basement playing her cello in a little basement apartment like some kind of fricking hermit. Sure, I’m there for her and I listen to her play and I support her, but all she’s been playing is all these sad symphonies for hours on end, she doesn’t bother playing any of the songs you gave her to learn, or even songs of mine I’ve asked her to make a part for. She comes up here on an afternoon and plays the piano, but that’s just the same couple songs she’s been trying to learn for the past month or so.”
“I see.”
“Just try to get her a gig somewhere, please?” Vinyl said choking on her words slightly “I just…” She paused and looked down at the table trying to compose herself for her next sentence “I just want my Octy back…” A single tear came from her right eye as she looked up at me. I got up from the table and walked over to her and gave her a hug.
“Alright Vinyl…” I whispered “I’ll get your Octy back.” I said with a smile, she threw her hooves around me and embraced me tightly with tears streaming from her ruby red eyes. I returned the embrace in a slightly softer fashion than Vinyl. Mares… Sometimes all they gotta do is let it out and a few buckets later, there’s no way you’d know.
Twelve o’clock. It was time to go out and look for a restaurant or bar that host live performances. There was just one problem, I didn’t know anything about Ponyville’s popular restaurants or bars as far as music went. Or even as far as how good the food at the restaurants was. The only one I did know about was the one Fluttershy suggested that day however many weeks ago. Every day we’d be eating at home or on the odd occasion; at Sugar Cube Corner if enough of us had a sweet tooth that wouldn’t go away.
I took my iPod from my room as well my ‘jacket’ which was really just a green dress shirt I liked wearing over my t-shirt and went downstairs. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, a sound of glasses clinking loudly came from the kitchen along with a loud thud on what must have been the kitchen table. I was about to dismiss the sound when the sound repeated itself again. Damn it Vinyl, I don’t want to pick your drunk ass up and carry you downstairs again. It’s fricking midday for Christ’s sake. I thought to myself as I walked into the kitchen. What I was met with in the kitchen was the last pony I expected to be completely drunk off their flank. Octavia.
“Octy? Are you okay?” I asked rhetorically. Her mane was incredibly messy as though it hadn’t been brushed for several days. Her trademark bowtie was crooked and dirty, hanging loosely from her neck. Her eyes had huge dark circles underneath them that reminded me of how my eyes looked before I ended up in Equestria. It was obvious she was crying hard. She held an almost empty bottle of brandy in her hoof. She looked up at me slowly with a look of irritation and sorrow.
“… Do I really look okay to you?” She said flatly. I wasn’t sure what to say, I would have asked her what the problem was, but I already knew. But whether she knew that or not was yet to be seen “… Well?”
“Not really, no.” I replied. I sat down at the table with her and held out my hand, she pushed the bottle over to me and I took a swig from it. I didn’t mind the dry feeling it left, nor the cherry aftertaste, which in fact, was quite refreshing “Wanna tell me what the problem is?” I asked pointing to her and putting the bottle on the table. Wow, two over-the-kitchen-table talks in one day? I’m like the house therapist now or some shit. Thank God the guys aren’t so unstable. I thought to myself. She sighed.
“I… Jimmy…” She managed to say before tears started bawling and burying her face in her hooves “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore… I had a regular show once a week where I would be able to play for an audience… A somewhat small one, but… It gave me something to do that was worth it… And then I just…” Her crying got the best of her again and she wasn’t able to finish her statement. Well, that was fast. I thought to myself. In a way I’m glad that this is what she’s upset over rather than it being something about her wanting to break up with Vinyl. That would be the LAST fuckin’ thing I’d want to deal with. I got up from my seat and gave her a hug.
“Octy, please don’t cry.” I said quietly “Listen, today I was going to look around for a restaurant or bar that hosts music acts.” Her ears perked up suddenly.
“What? Are you serious?” She asked wiping a tear from her eye while her face quickly turned from a frown to a wide and opened-mouth smile.
“Of course I’m serious.” I replied, before I could say more Octavia grabbed me and pulled me against her embracing me as tightly as she could, which I must add, was quite painful. She gave me a peck on the cheek.
“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” She said excitedly as she got up from her chair and pranced around the room, she gasped “Can I come with you?” She asked with puppy dog eyes. I must say, she did look very cute like this and on a regular day she would have won me over, but there was one tiny problem with her request.
“I would say yes, but… I think you might want to spend today, err… Fixing up, if you know what I mean.” I said as I gave a gesture with my hands. Octavia thought for a moment and she pretended not to subtly sniff her messy mane in a manner that I surely would not notice with her only two feet away from me. Her face when the scent met her nostrils was only one that could be described as shock.
“Oh… Yes…” She said nervously “Well, um, I’ll leave you to finding us a place. Good luck, and umm… I’ll just be… Going… Downstairs… Now…” She inched her way out of the kitchen and I heard her break into full gallop as she ran down the stairs to the basement. I chuckled to myself slightly.
At least she’s feeling better now. I thought. Hell, maybe she’ll go have happy sex with Vinyl rather than sad sex! Not that I’d know the difference between any kinds of sex… I thought as I shrugged off the ever so irritating reminder of my fully intact virginity that had only been attempted on once by one particular Princess of the night. I decided not to call any names on that subject and quickly moved my mind on to better things. It was time to leave the house. I put back on my shirt-jacket-thing, made sure I had my wallet and keys and headed out the door into the streets of Ponyville.
This is fucking HOPELESS!!! I thought to myself. I left the frickin’ house at twelve o’clock for Christ’s sake! TWELVE! It’s now SEVEN and I’ve been to every God-damned restaurant and bar in this fricking town and not a SINGLE ONE has a music night! Honestly, don’t these ponies like music?! I’ve only seen one dance club and it looks like shit! I ranted in my mind. It was sunset. I came across a bench and sat down. I had tried every restaurant and bar I could find. Not even Vinyl could find a gig out here, being only one dance club that apparently was not frequented by many ponies. I buried my face in my hands.
What the fuck am I gonna tell Octy? I don’t want to lie to her, especially after I got her all excited like that. Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucckkkkkkk… I thought.
“La-lala-lala, la-lala-lala~” I heard a cheerful voice sing. It belonged to none other than Pinkie, I looked up to see her floating in mid-jump as she turned to face me “Hey Jimmy, how ya doin’?” She asked with a smile.
“Not that great, Pinkie.” I replied flatly, I wanted to sound at least a little cheerful for her, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. She jumped onto the bench and sat next to me.
“What’s wrong?” She asked “Was somepony being mean to you? Cuz if they were, you know about my basem-”
“No, nopony has been mean to me.” I replied interrupting her “Well, not directly anyway.”
“Then what is it?” She asked. I then proceeded to tell her about the events of this morning being Octavia’s depression and our household’s general need and desire to perform. I could swear every now and then when I would glance away, I would see Pinkie with a notepad and fancy glasses on taking notes on what I was saying.
“… Every place I’ve been to doesn’t have a music night, nor are they willing to create one. Or if they do have one, their spots are all filled.” I said finishing my recount of today “Man, I can’t go back home to Octy and tell her I didn’t get us somewhere to play… Ugh, what do I do Pinkie?” Pinkie stroked her non-existent beard in deep thought. I honestly was expecting a beard to randomly appear on the pink pony’s face for a moment or for her to go get a costume beard just for this occasion, but neither happened. Suddenly Pinkie sprung up from her seat and gasped loudly.
“Did you try The Clop Bar? They’re always looking for music acts!!” Pinkie asked enthusiastically.
“The… Clop Bar?” I asked “No, I didn’t try there. I thought it was some kind of really small and crappy strip club. The fact that there’s a brothel a couple buildings away on the other side of the street didn’t really help me think otherwise.”
“Of course it’s not a strip club silly! Do you know how difficult that would be to have a strip club in there?” Said Pinkie, I immediately had to push the idea of pony strippers out of my mind. That was something I really didn’t need to think about.
“Are you sure Pinkie?” I asked.
“Of course I’m sure, now come on!” She said as she hopped down the street. Oh boy, here we go. Hopefully this place isn’t a total shithole.
This place is a total shithole. The bar was a tiny building in between two big ones. On one side was a shady looking convenience store and the other was an abandoned apartment. On the outside of the bar was large purple neon lettering that spelled out ‘The Clop Bar’. A couple circular tables along with about four chairs each sat outside the bar, accompanying those were three wooden picnic tables. Each table had a large umbrella set in the middle of them. Nopony was sitting outside, which was odd for such a pretty night. Must be a bad neighbourhood, Pinkie giggled in excitement as I looked at her with my ‘woman I trusted you, what the hell is this fuckery?’ face.
“Come on!” She said pushing me inside the bar. The doors were wide open, letting breeze into the very tiny bar. There was music playing over what seemed to be a transistor radio. It wasn’t anything horribly bad, it wasn’t at all, the music was just something I was expecting to hear in the 40s or 50s. At the entrance to the right was an open area with a PA system set up that sat on the thin wooden ‘bar’ that seemed to follow the wall wherever it could. To the left was a long bar with about ten or fifteen stools along the bar. At the end of the bar was another mostly open area with a pool table. Huh, I didn’t know Billiards existed in Equestria. Good to know. At the bar sat about seven or eight ponies. Pinkie skipped happily over to the bar and took the second seat. She patted the seat on her left giving me the cue to sit down next to her. I took a seat and the barpony came over to us. I actually couldn’t tell at a first glance whether it was a colt or a mare.
“Hey Pinkie, haven’t seen you here in a long time!” Said the barpony with a feminine voice, inside something told me this she was not really a she.
“Well, it hasn’t been that long!” Pinkie replied “It’s only been 57 days since the last time I was here!” The barmare chuckled.
“So, who’s your… Err, friend here.” She asked looking me up and down. Well, you don’t exactly look too normal yourself, bitch, looking like a guy and shit. I thought to myself. Her coat was grey and her mane was black with some streaks of a dark red in it. Her mane and tail were cut short, giving her a boyish appearance. Her more masculine face didn’t help show her true gender either. Her cutie mark was simply a martini glass, very fitting indeed.
“This is Jimmy! He teleported here from the past about two months ago, he’s been living here for a while now, I’m surprised you didn’t know about him.” Pinkie said as if it was the most common thing on Earth. The barmare raised an eyebrow at Pinkie’s explanation. I held out my hand.
“Nice to meet you.” I stated a little bit coldly, I was still slightly mad about her looking me up and down like how she did. She took my hand in a hoof and shook it.
“Name’s Cherry.” She replied “What can I get you two to drink?”
“I’ll have a cider if you have.” I said.
“Ooh, me too! Me too!” Said Pinkie waving a hoof wildly as Cherry turned to get the cider. I only now noticed that Cherry was an earth pony. I suppose I figured that her profession would be more suited to a unicorn rather than an earth pony so I made the assumption she was without actually checking. Cherry returned with our cider, I gave a ‘thank you’ and took a large gulp of the cider leaving the mug half-empty. Pinkie motioned her head to Cherry who nodded and Pinkie got up from her seat.
“Pinkie, should I come outside too?” I asked.
“Oh no, that’s okay, you can stay here.” She replied as she trotted outside with Cherry. I sighed and took another sip of my cider. I looked around the bar. The green and white décor, the cramped feeling of the place, it was all so familiar. Too familiar…
It was a calm night. The air blew softly giving a nice chill to the night that made it cool rather than blazing hot like it was every day. This place looked like a dump. It was cramped and looked pretty old. There were some guys playing music across from the bar. A tall and rather slim man with dark skin named Garvie was singing and playing guitar. He wore glasses and a beret. He sounded just like Tracy Chapman during this song. Then again, it was a Tracy Chapman song, Fast Car. The bass man had decided to quiet down for this song as there wasn’t much for him to do and simply waited for an opening to play while drinking a beer. The guy on the djembe kept a quiet beat that fit well, making the beat a bit heavier when the song called for it during the chorus. At the bar sat Jen. She was the new lead singer of my band who had invited me to come listen to her sing with Garvie. She got up from her seat at the bar and gave me a hug after calling my name in mock surprise.
“Hey Jen, how’re you?” I asked returning the hug.
“I’m good, I’m good.” She replied “What about you?”
“I’m alright, what songs are you doing tonight?” I asked. The idle chit-chat continued for a while as we waited for Garvie to call Jen up to come and sing some songs with him.
I had a crush on this girl. Something about girls who could sing or had musical talent really got me going. She was no exception. From the first time I heard her sing, she put me under a spell. She wasn’t any incredibly fantastic singer, but she was good at rock songs, and her voice gave her the ability to sing songs such as Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana and Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace. She was a pretty average looking girl; I give her a six out of ten. She had wavy brown hair that passed her shoulders slightly and she wore rectangular glasses like everyone else in her family. Boobs were a bit on the small side, still alright though.
After a while, Garvie called up Jen to play with him. They went through one of her original songs and Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. Jen then asked if they could go through Holiday by Green Day. After a bit of hesitation over the song due having to play the song in E instead of the original key of F due to Garvie not having a capo on hand, they started an acoustic version of the song which worked very well. Every time a point in the verses came which required a loud 'HEY' or 'AMEN' I took great pleasure in shouting it for them from where I stood as I bobbed my head in time to the song. They reached the solo of the song and Jen pointed to me and gestured for me to come over. I walked over into the ‘stage’ and Jen handed me the microphone.
“Since you know the words to this part, you can sing it!” She half-yelled over the music, I grinned and nodded in compliance. The guitar solo had finished leaving the bass and drums the only two instruments going. Let’s do this.
“Ksssshh, the representative from Canada now has the floor.” I said into the mic, Garvie did a slide signalling the start of the bridge. Don’t fuck up the lyrics! Was the only thought that crossed my mind.
“Sieg heil to the president gas man, bombs away it’s your PUNISHMENT!” Everyone who was playing an instrument including myself shouted the last word of the line “Pulverize the Eiffel towers who criticize your GOVERNMENT! Bang, bang, goes the broken glass and kill all the fags that DON’T AGREE! Trials by fire setting fire, is not a way that’s MEANT FOR ME!” The guitar came back into the song “Just cause… Just cause, because we’re outlaws YEAAAAAAAAAAH!” I finished the bridge and quickly handed the microphone back to Jen who wrapped up the song. I clapped heartily at the end of that song. That was my jam, and they did it in a slightly different style which made it sound great. That was my first night at the Gap Bar, nearly a year ago. Rather, nearly two thousand and one years ago…
It’s another night at The Gap Bar. Something’s different this time however. This time it’s OUR night. It was a Wednesday night and nearly ten o’clock. Matt, Paul, Jen, myself and our bass player Jamie were setting up our equipment and getting ready for our ‘gig’.
We were in a very, very small scale Battle of the Bands type contest. We were in the first round and we were on first. Our amps were on, instruments were tuned, set-lists taped to the floor and minds were on the music as we waited for the go-ahead to start playing. This was our first proper performance with Jen as our lead singer. Our set-list contained songs we had known before Jen came along as which took up a little more than a quarter of our list, the rest of the songs we had learnt within the couple weeks prior to the contest. The set-list taped to the bottom of my microphone stand read:
HOLIDAY - (Green Day)
I looked over to Jamie who was practicing her parts for the newer songs. I prayed that she wouldn’t mix up Chronicles of Life and Death with Rock Star or something like that like she had been doing during practices.
Needless to say, at one point I had a crush on her. She was the shortest and youngest in our group. She had long blonde hair which Paul and I had made blonde jokes about her every time she broke or knocked over something or when she asked a silly question. She didn’t mind (that much). She was a very pretty girl, but the kind you can take home to mother. She turned me down flat multiple times because she saw me as more of a big brother. I was turned down multiple times because I wouldn’t take the bloody hint because I was a persistent bastard. I stopped having a crush on her when she got a boyfriend. As did Matt.
It was time to start the gig. Time to show how much more awesome we are than everyone else. I gave everyone a fist bump just before we decided to open up the night.
“Hello, hello, hello everyone, how are we doing tonight?” I said into the microphone, cheering and clapping was heard from the audience in response.
“Come on, I can’t hear you, you’re making it sound like it’s a bad night or something! Now tell me, how are y’all doing tonight?!” I asked again, the audience responded louder this time. Not as loud as I would’ve liked, but close enough.
“Okay Jimmy, that’s enough pestering the audience.” Jen said into her mic.
“Aw, but it’s fun to pester the audience!” I replied with a chuckle.
“Anyway,” Jen said trying to move on “We are CrossRoads, that’s Paul on the cajon over there, Matt on the saxophone, Jamie, back here, on the bass,” She said, pointing to each member, having to lean to one side in order to point at Jamie who was sitting on a stool behind her “That’s Jimmy over there on guitar,”
“Sop.” I interjected.
“And I’m Jen.”
“And you’re an alcoholic.”
“Jimmy, shush.”
“Okay…”
“Alright, this first song we’re gonna do is one by Green Day,”
“Yaaaay Green Day!” I shouted away from the microphone while turning away from the audience “Alright, someone likes Green Day!” I said turning back to the mic.
“Other than you? That’s a first.” Jen replied “Anyway, before any more interruptions, this song is called Holiday.” I felt like saying something into the mic to annoy her, but I wanted to start playing just as much as she did, so I didn’t bother.Here we go… I thought as I held down the opening chord…
I was outside The Gap Bar. I stood across from Jen who had called me, Paul, Jamie and Matt outside to tell us something. I had just spent the entire summer away on vacation. I missed everyone. I missed having band practice and playing at this crappy old bar. It was a place I treasured now. I had waited so long to come back to my band, but something had changed.
“Okay, guys?” Jen started, she looked very nervous “I have to leave the band.” What.
“What? Why?” I asked in shock. No fucking way. You’re kidding me, right? This is some kind of early April Fool’s joke, right?
“After you left, I was given a recording contract.” She stated.
“Oh Jesus fuckin’ Christ!” I exclaimed as I sat down in a chair behind me. Matt looked down at the ground in disappointment. Jamie just looked plain hurt while Paul shared my expression of anger and upset, but not my words. I thought for a moment thinking of what to say to Jen.
“Yeah… So… I’ve got a new band now with Garvie and Jermaine and those guys.” She said as if everything was sunshine, lollipops, rainbows and fucking unicorns. I stood up.
“Jen, when the hell did this happen?” I asked.
“I don’t know, mid-July?” She replied. How in fu- What is this shit? You can’t remember the fuckin’ day you were given a RECORDING CONTRACT?! Are you insane?
“Then why the hell didn’t you tell any of us? Jamie was down here, Paul was down here, what was stopping you?! We’ve got e-mail and Facebook and shit like that! I’ve been messaging you all summer and not once have you replied!” She stood in silence “Jesus Christ Jen, the entire fucking summer I’ve been sitting on my ass counting the days on the frickin’ calendar until I get to play with you guys again! So we can start doing original songs and start getting somewhere! And you couldn’t even say a bloody word to us about any of this shit until just now?! You’d think that you would tell your band members who are also your friends that something like that happened! Wouldn’t you?!” She was still speechless. I could see she had realised that it was a bit stupid to withhold that information for so long.
Before she could say more to me, I left the bar. I didn’t want to have to hear any more shit. I didn’t care anymore…
I looked into my mug of cider. It remained untouched from when I last took a sip however long ago it was. I had roamed my memories too long. The anger from my last memory was seeping through into right now. The fact this place was just like The Gap Bar in almost every way wasn’t helping anything at all. I sighed and put a hand to my head.
That world doesn’t matter anymore. I said to myself. Just let it go, it’s not like Jen mattered anyway. You can do better than her, come on. Let her go, it’s been forever. I wanted to let her go, I really did. But I couldn’t even think of my old band without thinking of her. Every time someone mentioned something she was doing or anytime someone’s parents said something about her, I would get incredibly pissed and… Jealous. I was jealous because I had been telling myself that that should have been me with her. I was angry because she didn’t tell me about what had happened until it was far too late. It isn’t like it would’ve mattered. I’m so much better now than I was a year ago, my past self can’t compare to what I can do now.
I hated being jealous of her. I hated being angry at her. I considered her my friend. But that’s not what she considered me as. She didn’t have to tell me that in person for me to see it. I was just a stepping stone to her. But I doubt she would ever want to admit that there was a point in her life where she was ‘at my level’.
There we go again, off on some fuckin’ tangent about how you hate her after saying you hate hating her. I thought. Just stop thinking about the bitch.
Who do you suggest I think of instead then?
I don’t friggin’ know, think of Pinkie Pie or something. I don’t give a fuck, I just want you to shut up about her so we don’t have to go through another night of you crying like a whiny bitch about how you should be where she is. Especially now, since she’s fucking dead as of two thousand years ago along with everyone else save for you, Matt and Paul. Get. The. Fuck. Over. It.
You’re right, you know.
Of course I’m right. Now shut the fuck up and drink your cider. It’s probably warm by now thanks to your 'feelings time', dumbass.
I took a sip of the cider. Yep, warm. It wasn’t horrid when it was warm, but cold was infinitely better. Anyway, I was right. She doesn’t matter anymore. She’s long been dead along with everyone else. None of their shit mattered. The only shit that mattered was my own and the ones who are still here that I care about. I finished off my mug of cider and Pinkie and Cherry came back inside.
“Alright Jimmy, Pinkie’s been telling me you’re some kind of musician and that you’ve got a band that wants to play here, that right?” Cherry asked.
“Yeah, that’s right.” I replied.
“Well, you can take the Tuesday and Friday nights. We don’t have anypony playing during those nights, so those are yours.” Winning. “Now, as far as paying y’all goes, to be quite honest, I’m hardly holding up this bar as it is, considering the amount of customers we get. So until we get more business, we can't pay you.” Not so winning. “But if you still wanna do it, you can. On Fridays we get a nice amount of business most of the time, so you should have a pretty good audience.” Bi-winning. “Sound okay?”
“Yes, that sounds excellent.” I said putting down my mug and holding out my hand to her “Thank you very much, Miss Cherry. So, we start this Friday then?” I asked. She took my hand in her hoof and shook it.
“Yep, you start Friday.” She replied “So, bring your band and some friends and whatever else so we can start you off on a good note, alright?”
“Of course Miss Cherry, thank you.”
“Alright, enough with this ‘Miss Cherry’ crap, come on, just call me Cherry.”
“Sorry, Cherry.” I smiled sheepishly. I don’t know where the hell that ‘Miss Cherry’ crap came from either to be honest “Alright, well, thank you for the opening. I’ll be here Friday night at… What time?”
“Ten p.m.”
“Excellent. Thank you.” I replied. Cherry walked down the tiny hallway to get back behind the bar after giving me a smile “Thank you so much Pinkie.” I said wrapping Pinkie in a hug that she didn’t seem to expect, she returned it happily.
“Aw, it was nothing Jimmy! That’s what your auntie Pinkie Pie’s here to do!” She replied cheerfully.
“Anyway Pinkie, I wanna head back home now, I’ve been out all day and I just wanna go home and tell Octy I got us a gig, you can come with me if you want.” I said breaking the embrace.
“I’d love to come over but I can’t, I have to get back to Sugar Cube Corner and do some prep for tomorrow morning.” She replied with a sad tone.
“Aw, oh well, no matter. Anyway, I’ll see you on Friday Pinkie!” I said as I put some bits on the bar for our drinks and headed out of the bar. I stopped. I came back inside for a moment “Pinkie?” I asked.
“Yeah? What’s up?” She replied.
“Could you try and advertise us playing here on Friday? Like, to everypony though, not just Twilight and Rarity and stuff?” I asked.
“Of course I could! I was gonna do that anyway!” She replied cheerfully.
“Thanks Pinkie, alright, gotta run!” I said waving goodbye as I went out the door again and headed home.
I opened the door to the house and everything was quiet. That certainly wasn’t usual for a Tuesday night, or any night for that matter. I looked at the clock on my iPod, only nine o’clock. Where the hell is everyone? Before I could respond to myself I was tackled by a grey blur from my left.
“JIMMY!” Octavia half-but-not-so-half-more-around-thirteen-sixteenths-yelled as she pinned me to the floor, she cleared her throat “Well? What happened?” She asked in her indoor voice this time. These ponies are gonna be the friggin’ death of me if they keep doing this shit. I thought to myself. I’m getting too God-damned old for this.
“I got us a gig!” I exclaimed; Octavia’s expression turned blank for a moment. Her mouth grew into a weak smile, then a regular smile, then a wide smile and then a creepily happy smile and suddenly she jumped onto her hooves prancing around in joy. As I got back onto my feet she hugged me and even gave me a kiss.
“Thank you so much, Jimmy!” Octavia said hugging me tightly. I saw Vinyl leaning against the wall of the hallway grinning as she watched us.
“You’re welcome Octy.” I replied returning the hug. After a few seconds, she broke the embrace giving me a big smile and skipped off down the stairs.
“Good job, buddy.” Vinyl said poking me in my arm “You got my Octy back. Thanks.”
“No problem, Vinyl.” I said patting her head “I needed my Octy back too.” I turned to her and smiled.
“Practice tomorrow?”
“Of course.”
“What time am I waking you?”
“You’re not. You owe me that at least.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll go wake Matt up instead.”
“That sounds much better, thank you. You should wake him instead of me every morning.”
“Nah, he’s no fun. You’re way more fun to wake up. Especially because of the tickle fights and all that crap I get you into.”
"Ehh... They're not fun for me..."
"Aww, but they are for me!"
"How's that?"
"They make me sooo wet!"
"... Remind me never to tickle you again."
"Awwww pleeeeeease? I promise I'll only have sex with Octy!"
“If you insist.” I chuckled as I started walking up the stairs.
“Night Jimmy.” She called out.
“Night Vinyl.” I replied
After closing the door to my bedroom, I didn’t even bother undressing. I just fell flat on the bed and went to sleep…
Or so I thought. All I could see was white. Out of the white nothingness came a certain Princess of the night who trotted over to me.
“Hello Jimmy, it has been a while, has it not?” She asked.
“Hey Luna, indeed it has…”
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 20 - Sweet Dreams
“So how’ve you been Luna? You been alright?” I ask her “It’s been a while since we last spoke like this. ”
“I suppose I have been ‘alright’, in a way.” She replied. Two large pillows and a low table materialised between us.
“Well, what’s the ‘in a way’ about?” I ask.
“There is not much for me to do these days. Tia’s made a point of keeping most of the political activities to herself; she only involves me when absolutely necessary.”
“I can guess that doesn’t happen very often, does it?” I ask, she sighed and hung her head as she sat down on the pillow closest to her.
“No… Not at all…” She replied. I sat down on my pillow.
“I know how you feel.” I said in an attempt to comfort her.
“Really?” She asked.
Good going dipshit, you should at least TRY to think these things through before you say them.
“Well… In a way.” I started “I mean; I know how it feels to have nothing to do while everyone else does.” Luna looked at me with a very intrigued look.
“Pray tell, from what experience do you know this feeling?”
“Well, before I came here. I had been kicked out of school. Not really kicked out, I just didn’t do well enough in some important exams and I hadn’t applied to any schools other than the one I was already going to. Their standards were too high for me, and mom wouldn’t let me apply anywhere else. So I was spending that school year stuck at home. Everyone else had something to do. I didn’t. I always told people to enjoy the fact they had some work to do. It’s great to not have anything to do and be able to relax, sure, but it gets lonely and boring. It gets that way really fast.”
Nice save, buddy.
“Why didn’t you do well in your exams?” Luna asked.
“Ehh… Music was more interesting at the time. It was the only damned thing I was any good at. Not math or physics or visual art. Well, I was a good artist I guess. I just lost my passion for it.”
“What made you lose it?”
“Well… A number of things. Everyone always expected me to be amazing at it. See, my grandmother was a really, really good artist. So, naturally, everyone who knew that I was her grandson expected me to be one because it was ‘in my blood’. I was pretty good, but I felt so inferior next to everyone else in my class. Also, this one year I had this teacher who hated me. She always gave my work the third lowest mark in class.”
“Why did she dislike you?”
“I don’t know, jealousy maybe? Let me give you an example. There was this one assignment where we had to do a pen and ink drawing of a scene from a story. Everyone in class handed in some horribly done piece where they didn’t know how to shade properly with this medium. I was the only one who did. So, we’re giving in our work one at a time. She’s looking at all these crappy pieces and I’m hearing her commenting on them saying ‘very good’ and ‘oh excellent job’ as if she’s some kind of kindergarten teacher taking finger paintings to put up on a wall. I bring up mine; she says ‘this is it?’ and gives me this look as if I handed her a blank sheet of paper.”
“That’s horrible…”
“I swear; I wanted to kill her right there. I had worked for hours on it. I had restarted the piece so many times. It was infuriating. There was this other time where we had to bring our paints in for one class. I forgot my paints that class. The art room had paints, so I asked the teacher if I could borrow those for this class. She goes off ranting at me for twenty minutes. I shit you not. Twenty. Whole. Minutes. Telling me about how the art teachers have to buy the supplies for the art room because the art department’s budget was cut and all this crap that I don’t care about. Finally she tells me where the paints are and I go get them. So about two minutes later, this other kid who never handed in any work, let alone did any, asks to use the paints. You know what she said? ‘Oh, they’re right over there’ in the most polite and cheerful tone possible.”
“How dare she! That’s terrible!”
“I left the class when I heard her say that. I took my stuff and left. I had to come back the next week, but still. I really had enough of her. I gave up doing assignments for her. Then I gave up art in general. She made me hate it. I suppose that’s a bit of a silly reason for giving it up, but she did really ruin it for me. Any time I would ask for any help, she would scoff and say ‘isn’t it obvious’ or something along those lines and not help me. If someone else asked for help with the same problem, she would be all sunshine and rainbows to them.”
“But why didn’t you stop taking the class?”
“Mommy dearest wouldn’t let me, simple as that. I was ‘too good at art to drop it’. Well, when you’re getting the shittiest grades in the class even though your work is better than the majority of students in the class, it is pretty difficult to convince yourself of otherwise. Especially when your parents blame you for the shit grades even though they know it’s the teacher bringing me down.”
Luna just sat there, she wasn’t exactly sure how to reply to all this. I don’t blame her. It’s all in the past though. I don’t do art anymore, so I don’t care. I don’t go to school anymore either, so grades are the least of my worries now.
“We can move onto a different subject if you’d like.” I say after a few moments of silence “I’d prefer to.”
Me too, I’d rather not think about that stupid cunt.
That makes two of us.
“Okay, well… Erm.” She replied. She seemed quite uncertain of what to talk about.
Annnnnnnnnd that's three of us. Possibly four if she's lucky and has a second head-voice like you do. Anyway, she can't think of something to talk about? Talk about the weather!
We’re in a dreamscape of pure white. There is no weather!
Ask her anyway!
“What’s the matter Luna? You okay?” I ask.
Talk 'bout dat weather! Come on man! Don't ask about her! Ask about dat fine ass weather! Ask about her sister's ass, I dunno. JUST SOMETHING OTHER THAN HER!!! COME ON!!!
“I… Jimmy, I don’t want you to be… Upset with me, for what I am about to tell thee.” She replied. I chuckled.
“Luna, you can’t do anything to upset me!” I reply “Well, except maybe trying to seduce me. I’ll be a little disappointed if you try that again.”
Oh come on! That would’ve been awesome and you know it! How many people you know can honestly say they were seduced by a princess?!
“Well, if thou insists.” She took in a breath “How have your dreams been recently?”
“My… Dreams?” I asked, she kept a straight face “That’s really what you thought was going to upset me?”
“Please Jimmy, just answer the question.” She replied. She looked quite serious.
“Umm… Well, what do you mean?”
“Have they been good? Please answer me honestly.”
Uh-oh... Lie to her… Seriously. You don’t involve her in your dreams. It’s not worth losing her. Don’t.
But maybe she can help, maybe she knows about what I’ve been seeing.
How in fuck would she know?
If we can communicate through dreams, don’t you think she has some kind of power over a pony’s dreams?
You pose a good point, but still. I don’t think you should tell. Think about the other people you’ve talked about your dreams to. You remember what happened? They freaked out at you because your dreams were fucked up. Don’t tell Luna about your dreams. I don’t care if she wants to know. Don’t fucking do it.
“Well…” I start.
Don’t do it…
“They haven’t been very good at all.” I reply.
Jesus fucking Christ… Look, you know what? Fuck you. I’m leaving. Have fun with this situation. I don’t give a fuck about what happens. It’s your own stupid fault if you traumatise her like you’ve done with other girls. Also, for the record, go fuck yourself.
Finally you leave, Jesus Christ.
“I know they haven’t been good.” She replied “I’ve been watching over your dreams.”
“Jimmy, what you’re seeing in your dreams isn’t good.”
“Tch, well I know it isn’t good! I wake up every fucking half hour out of fright!”
“Aside from that, there’s something dangerous brewing inside you.”
What?
“What?” I asked.
What the hell does she mean?
“What the hell do you mean?”
“Jimmy. I want you to go through that door.” She said pointing with a forehoof to an open doorway with nothing but darkness inside it “I am going to follow you inside so I can fully see what you have been seeing every night.”
Jesus Christ, what the fuck does she mean something dangerous is brewing?! Do you know?
…
Answer me, Goddamnit!
…
Well fuck you too then! Useless cunt.
Luna and I got up from off of the pillows we were sitting on. I walked over to the doorway. I peer inside as far as I can without going in. Inside, it was pitch black, just like every nightmare I had been having recently. It’s how they would always start. I turn to face Luna.
“Luna… Please… I don’t want to go through that tonight… Not tonight… I can’t take it right now…” I say to her.
“Jimmy, I want to help you. But in order to do that, I need to have a proper look at what you have been seeing every night.” She says walking closer to me.
“But… Luna…” I say, looking back through the doorway. Luna turns my head to look at her with a hoof. She embraces me tightly.
“Jimmy, I will never ask you to do this again after this time, okay?” She said as she put her hooves on my shoulders. I looked into her eyes; they reminded me of the calm night sky. It was exhilarating. Something about them made me feel safer.
“… Okay Luna.” I said embracing her “I’ll… I’ll do it.” I pulled away from her, taking one last look into her blue eyes. I turned to the doorway and slowly walked inside.
As I took my last step through the doorway, the light that shone through it suddenly vanished. I turned around to see the same thing that was in front of me, darkness.
“Luna?” I asked with a squeak in my voice “Luna?”
I stretched my arms in front of me in an attempt to feel for Luna as I walked back towards where the doorway had been, or, at least where I thought it was. It felt as though I was walking in place. I stop trying to move from where I was, it was simply wasted effort trying to move it.
Suddenly I heard laughter from my left, it’s distorted and deep. Not like what I’ve heard in my nightmares before. I turned to face it, there’s nothing there. I hear it from behind me. I turn to face it again; I see a pair of glowing red dots vanish into the darkness. Something taps me on my shoulder and I jump, I turn around and attempt to back away from it.
“Do not worry Jimmy…” Luna’s voice said to me “Everything… Will be alright…” Something was wrong. That wasn’t her voice. That couldn’t be her voice. No. It wasn’t.
“What is the matter…” The voice asked. Two red eyes appeared in front of me, the body of Luna with it “Don’t you love the darkness? Don’t you love my nights?” The voice sounded synthesized now. I tried to back away, but something was holding my legs in place “Don’t you?” I couldn’t answer “Well, DON’T YOU?!” She yelled.
“You… You’re… But…” I stammered.
Luna… No… Why did you make me do this?! Why did you make me bring you in here?! Goddamnit!!
“There are only so many times I can tell you to listen to me. ” I heard my voice say.
What?! Where’d th-
“But of course… Every time I beg you to listen, your feelings just get in the way. ” My voice continued. My mouth was moving as if I was saying it. But I wasn’t “They make you… Disobey me… They make me… Into you… ”
What the fuck is going on here!?!?
“And you know what? ” My voice asked. I felt myself turn around. In front of me stood… Me?
My hair was longer and spiky. My clothes were badly torn up, the shirt I wore looked like the one Rarity had made for the concert in Canterlot, but the middle of the shirt was missing, which revealed my torso. My body was covered in cuts, most of them looked fresh. The image of me grabbed my face and brought it closer to its own.
“I. HATE. BEING. YOU. ” My voice was colder than ice as it spoke those words. The image let go and suddenly I felt something grab my arms. The image of me simply turned its back and walked away.
“I’ll leave you to the one you decided to bring in here. I do hate interrupting conversation. ” The image spoke as Luna materialised in front of me again.
“YOU LIED TO ME!!” She screamed “I’LL KILL YOU!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!” I fell to the ground and closed my eyes, hoping I would wake up. She stomped her fore-hooves on top of my wrists. The pain rushed through my arms, my eyes shot open as I let out a gasp. Her flowing blue mane became a crimson red as she stared into my eyes.
“LUNA NO!!” I yelled “ST-”
“I’LL KILL YOU!!!!!” She screamed as her teeth formed into fangs. She arched her neck back and clamped her fangs between my shoulder and neck. I screamed as she clenched her jaw harder, I could feel her teeth sinking past my skin, jerking around inside as I attempted to push her off of me.
She unclenched her jaws from between my neck and shoulder as I gasped in pain. Her mouth dripped my blood onto my face as she peered into my eyes. She arched her neck back a second time.
“NO!! LU-”
I was cut off as Luna’s fangs sank hard into my throat. With one swift yank, she tore open my neck; the piece of flesh that had previously been there was thrown into some corner of this dark void. I felt my body go limp. Everything got cold. Luna stood over me smiling a wicked, blood stained smile. Her face faded away. As it did, I could’ve sworn I saw a glimpse of the real Luna with a petrified look on her face. I heard a long chuckle that echoed throughout the darkness.
“I know it gets a bit cliché, having you done in like this. ” My voice spoke. The image of me kneeled down beside me, licking its lips. I could see the image’s blood-stained teeth as he stopped licking his lips and grinned.
“But it seems to be the only way I ever get you to acknowledge me these days. ” The image drew a knife from his pocket as he chuckled.
“You’ve met with a terrible, terrible fate… Haven’t you? ” He laughed as he held the knife high above his head and brought it down swiftly towards my forehead…
“AAAAAAAAAGH!!!” I screamed as I regained consciousness and tried to push a pony off me who wasn’t there. I sat straight up in my bed. Sweat rolled down my face as I put my hands over my throat.
I told you not to let her in.
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!
Hey, don’t look at me man. If she walked into that dream with you, she was gonna be on your mind. Naturally, your fucked-up and might I add, very hateful, subconscious decided to take Luna and use her against you just because she was on your mind. But your dumb ass wouldn't listen to me when I told you not to tell her about the nightmares.
THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHERE SHE WENT! WHERE WAS SHE THROUGH AL-
“Jimmy!” I heard Luna’s voice call from the now open window of my room “Are y-”
“AAAAAAGH!!! NO!!! NO!!! GET AWAY!!!” I yelled as I held my hands over my throat and pressed my back against the headboard.
“Jimmy please, it’s me, Luna. Don’t be scared.” She said softly as she walked towards the bed. I continued trembling in fear as she walked closer as my nightmare’s version of Luna still lingered in my mind. The full moon was completely visible through my window. She stood next to my side of the bed. The moonlight shimmered off her eyes as she looked into mine which were still shrunken in fear.
Dude, chill the fuck out! It’s the real Luna!
Luna put her fore-hooves on the bed. I could see her light smile in the moonlight that poured through the window. She closed her eyes and leaned in towards me, my instincts told me to pull away, but I couldn’t. Her lips connected with my forehead. My trembling stopped at last. My heart stopped racing and my breathing became less panicked.
Smooth move, guy, even I didn’t see that one coming from you. Quivering like a little bitch who just wet themself to attract girls. A bit too emo for my liking, but hey, whatever. It gets you the bitches, so…
She pulled away slowly. Once she was slightly further away from my face, she opened her eyes and gazed into my own. I gave her a smile to match her own. After a moment, her smile quickly turned to an apologetic look as she nuzzled my neck.
“Jimmy, I’m so sorry. I thought I would be able to protect you there. I’m so sorry, please forgive me.” She said. I wrapped my arms around her neck, embracing Luna.
“It’s okay, Luna. You didn’t know that would happen to me, and neither did I.” I replied, I let go of her “What happened to you anyway? Did you just wake up because I had left our shared dream?”
“No, I saw your dream through your eyes. Just like normal.” She stated.
“I’m pretty sure those dreams are just regular nightmares, Luna.” I reply “Well, as regular as they come for me, anyway. I don’t think they mean anything.”
“I am not as certain, Jimmy. But, if that is what you think, I will respect your opinion.” She replied “I must leave this place now. The guards and my sister would be quite distressed to find me missing.”
“I understand.” I reply “Good night, Luna. Thanks for calming me down and making sure I was okay.”
“Anything for you, Jimmy.” She replied as she approached my window. She turned to face me “Good night, Jimmy.” Luna spread her wings and flew through the window.
Well, wasn’t that some shit?
That was indeed some shit.
How much time we got left to sleep?
You really wanna go back down there?
… On second thought, that isn’t the best idea I’ve had all night, is it?
Eenope.
Hmm... Kitchen?
I’m not hungr-
Poof, now you are. Go.
Look, this is why I’m overweight; because you make me do shit like this.
Yes, but we have apple pie. So I don’t give a fuck.
You pose a very strong point.
I stumbled as I got up from my bed and walked to my door. The door was open just a crack. I usually lock the door; I guess I was too tired earlier to even bother closing it.
Aw shit! Ponies be climbin’ in yo windows, openin’ yo doors up! So hide yo weed, hide yo pills, hide yo pornography cuz they takin’ errytang out there!
I nearly sent myself face first down the stairs as I ‘walked’ down them in my groggy state. Matt had warned me about the stairs multiple times for no particular reason, but now it all made sense. I entered the kitchen and took the last apple pie from the fridge and set it down on the table.
“Soooo…” I heard Vinyl’s voice say from the entrance to the kitchen, I nearly had a heart attack as I jumped in fright at the sudden appearance of the white unicorn “Late night visits from Luna, eh? It looks like somepony wasn’t being all that truthful when they said they weren’t into pony sex.”
“Vinyl, she was hardly there for five minutes.” I replied after a deep gasp of air to regain my composure.
“So? You’re a quick finisher, that’s all. Not my problem.” She replied with a grin. I was not happy with that statement.
BAHAHAHAHA!!!! IT’S FUNNY CUZ SHE’S RIGHT!!!
Fuck off.
“No Vinyl, no steamy pony sex happened while Luna was with me.” I said as I got two forks out of one of the drawers under the counter. I sat down at the table and set a fork in front of where Vinyl sat. We took our forks and started eating away at the pie.
Eating cold apple pie with your roomie is the best thing to do when you can’t sleep!
“So what was that about? All I saw was her kiss you on the head and said something about being sorry.”
“Long story, rather not recall what happened.”
“Really? Well I guess my version of the story is better then. You were having steamy pony sex with Luna. I think I’ll go clop to th-”
“You’ll do no such thing.” I replied flatly.
“Aw come on, Jimmy. Lighten up, eh? You know it’s all in good fun. Nopony else is gonna care about what I say.”
“I know.” I said flatly.
“Okay, I don’t like you agreeing with the fact that no one cares about what I say.”
“I know that too. But I still do think that's the case.”
“Screw you, but seriously though, what happened?”
“I was talking to her using our dream link. She had been monitoring my dreams recently. She was concerned because they were all nightmares. She wanted to go into my dreams for some reason or the other. She came in with me, she vanishes, subconscious picks up on my thoughts of her, summons a vision of her to bite my throat out. Wake up flipping my shit. Luna came by to make sure I was okay. That’s the short version.”
“Does the long version involve pony sex?!” She asked excitedly.
“Nope. Only in clop-fiction spin offs of this story that nopony's written yet.” I replied.
“Wait, what?” Vinyl asked with a confused expression.
“What time is it?”
“Uhh, it’s nearly four in the morning, why?”
“Damn, I was hoping for five. Oh well. Anyway, what were you doing up?”
“I heard you scream.”
“What were you doing upstairs?”
“That’s the thing. I was in the basement and I heard you.”
“Nah Vinyl, that’s not possible. Everyone would’ve woken up. Just tell the truth and say you were upstairs.”
“I honest to Celestia was not upstairs. I heard you scream at the top of your lungs. I came upstairs, opened your door a crack and found you quivering like Octy when I…” I quickly gave Vinyl a look she understood immediately “... Touch a specific place on her in certain manner with a special… Instrument. Oh yeah, and Princess Luna was there too. Another thing, why was your door unlocked?”
“I guess I was too tired and forgot to lock it or close it properly, anyway, I'll believe your story for now. But if I go to the bathroom and find ketchup packets under the seat again, I’ll know exactly who did it this time.”
“I told you that wasn’t me last time! You know Pinkie and Dash do that kinda stuff. Even I’m not that childish when it comes to pranks. Come on man, you should know that!”
“I suppose you’re right. It makes sense if it was them. There was a piece of confetti in the bathroom that I could never explain… Anyway, I’m going back to bed. Finish the apple pie if you want.”
“Nah I'll leave this half for somepony else, I’m gonna go back to bed too. Night Jim.”
“Night Vinyl.”
I walked back up the stairs while being cautious of them and entered my room, making sure to lock the door this time. I jumped back into bed and stared at the ceiling and contemplated whether to go back to sleep or not. Eventually, my drooping eyelids got the better of me and I drifted slowly away into a deep slumber…
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Hey guys.
Sorry I'm late, I hope the custom music I made and put in makes up for it a bit. I've got exams coming up on the 11th of May until the 18th, so I've gotta start studying now.
If you're a reader of my other story , I will release the next chapter of that then go into a bit of a break for exams.
Once they're over, I'll have a bunch of time to myself to do more chapters AND real-life PAUL will be with me so we'll be recording MUSIC 'N SHIT for this fic! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
So yeah, I've got plans, they're just hampered by exams at the moment. HANG IN THERE!!
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 21 - Animal I Have Become
DING-A-LING-A-LING-A-LING!! DING-A-LING-A-LING-A-LING!! DING-A-LING-A-LING-A-LING!! TIME TO GET UP!! DING-A-LING-A-LING-A-LING!!
What… Where… Who… Oh for fuck’s sake, that’s you. Not my alarm.
Ahh, I love doing that to you. You’re so easy to wake up! So gullible too, Jesus Christ, how many times are you gonna shock yourself awake to that when you know you don’t own an alarm clock? Especially one that’s so awesome that you can record yourself shouting ‘DING-A-LING-A-LING-A-LING’ and wake up to a loop of it?
Fuck you man. I was sleeping soundly.
I opened my eyes and looked around. The sun’s shining bright, as per usual. I swear; it hardly ever rains around here. I guess that’s because it doesn’t really need to. Plants must grow with less water here or something. I look over to the clock; the long hand is almost on the four and the short hand a little past the one. I decide to skip deciphering this incredibly difficult puzzle that requires the CIA’s top cryptologists and twenty million dollars’ worth of research equipment to figure out and got out of bed.
Upon reaching the kitchen downstairs, I notice the house is considerably quiet. I suppose it’s a nice change for now. This place isn’t quiet too often, so I enjoy it while it lasts.
“OWNED!! OWNED IN YOUR STUPID FACE!! AHAHAHAHA!!!” I hear Matt shout from downstairs.
So much for quiet…
“Oh shut up, Matt.” Paul replied “Remember who won the past ten matches?”
“Don’t give a fuck. I just don’t.” Matt said flatly as he walked into the kitchen with Paul just behind him.
“Hey Jimmy, when’d you wake up?” Paul asked.
“Literally moments ago, what’re you guys doing that’s got Matt yelling something about owning your stupid face?” I replied.
“Smash Bros.” Matt replied simply.
Whaaaaaaaat?
“Which one?”
“Brawl.”
How…
“One of you has a computer good enough for an emulator of that game?” I asked.
“Nah, Paul’s got his Wii with him.” Matt replied pointing a thumb to Paul.
“Buh… You need a TV-”
“Vinyl and Octy bought one a little while ago.” Paul replied “I thought they told you.”
“Nah, I didn’t hear about it.” I said “So, I’m guessing you’re winning then?”
“Of course he is.” Matt said with a hint of anger in his voice.
“Well, I’ll come join you in a minute. Gotta go to the bathroom.” I replied as I exited the kitchen and headed upstairs.
I splashed some water on my face from the sink trying to wake myself up a bit. Last night was certainly a trip. That nightmare was flat-out disturbing. I had an odd feeling this wasn’t going to be the end of my nightmares. I recalled the state I was in when Luna came into my room. I knew I was awake, but my fear was amplified and amplified greatly. I suppose it was understandable, considering the nature of the nightmare.
“Well, at least Luna came to calm me down.” I said out loud as I turned off the sink.
“Hello Jimmy!” I heard Luna’s voice say cheerfully. I jumped in fright as I looked around the bathroom to find Luna standing to my right with a wide smile on her face.
GODDAMNIT NIGHT PRINCESS PONY OUTTA FUCKING NOWHERE!!
“Luna? What are you doing here?” I asked upon gaining my composure.
“You are performing today, are you not?” She asked.
“Yeah, I am, why?”
“Well, I wanted to come see you! I asked Tia if she would raise the moon tonight so I could spend some time with you and she said okay! Isn’t that wonderful?” She replied happily.
She totally wants the dick.
Oh fuck off.
“Yeah, that’s really cool.” I replied.
Why the hell did I say that so flatly?
. . .
Okay, don’t answer me then.
“So, erm, yeah, let’s get out of the bathroom then.” I said as I opened the door for Luna. She walked outside and I followed. I then took point and guided Luna down the two flights of stairs into the basement and opened the door to Vinyl and Octy’s apartment.
The apartment was dimly lit, only the TV provided a bit of light in the apartment. Directly across from the door was a king-sized bed upon which sat Octavia. On the carpeted floor sat Vinyl, Matt and Paul who were crowded around in front of the TV with controllers in hand or levitated by magic.
“Hey guys. We’ve got a guest.” I said as the current match paused and everypony looked away from the screen towards the doorway where Luna and I stood. Octavia suddenly sprang off the bed and onto the floor and bowed to Luna.
“Hey Luna”
“Sup Luna?”
“How’s it goin’?”
Were the only responses from Paul, Matt and Vinyl respectively as they unpaused the match and continued playing.
“What are you all doing?! This is your princess here! Show some respect!” Octavia snapped.
“It is alright Miss Octavia.” Said Luna “For you all, it is acceptable for you to use casual greetings rather than formal. I do not mind.”
“Hmph.” Octavia pouted as she sat back on the bed and folded her hooves.
“Pray tell, what is it you three are doing?” Luna asked as she looked to the two humans and unicorn sitting around the television.
“Playing a video game, wanna play with us?” Matt replied.
“Hey Octy, why aren’t you playing?” I asked her.
“Really Jimmy? Take a guess.” She replied with a bitter tone.
“Hooves, man. Hooves.” Paul stated.
“Oh… Right. Sorry Octy.” I said with obvious embarrassment in my voice.
Dumb fuck.
“How does one play this video game?” Luna asked as she sat down on the floor with the others.
“Oh, it’s pretty easy, grab a controller; I’ll walk you through the controls once this match is done.” Matt said as he pointed with one hand to the last available Gamecube controller. Luna levitated it closer to her and examined it thoroughly.
The stage they were playing on was the Battlefield level. They were playing a stock match.
Good, I fucking hate timed matches.
On the screen was a version of Fox McCloud with a green jacket that stood on the right-most platform and was kicking a regular colour scheme of Ike into the air while a red Kirby attempted to get close to the very agile Fox who simply sent Kirby flying back to the other side of the stage. I guessed that Fox was played by Paul as Fox was the only one who had not lost a life yet. Ike was most certainly Matt as he hardly ever played a character that didn’t have some kind of weaponry at their disposal leaving Kirby who must be Vinyl. The brawl only lasted about two more minutes with Paul emerging as the victor in yet another match with Vinyl in second place and Matt in third.
“Goddamn it Vinyl! I still can’t believe you lasted longer than me!” Matt complained as he stood up.
“I bet this isn’t the only thing I last longer than you at.” Vinyl replied with a grin while adjusting her shades.
“Oh shut up! You’re a girl; you’re supposed to last longer!”
“Ho ho, you clearly don’t have enough experience with females to know the truth about that.” Vinyl replied with an even wider grin this time.
“I am not sure I understand your expression, Miss Scratch.” Luna stated.
Oh boy.
“Well you see Luna, th-”
“LUNAAAA! LET’S GET YOU LEARNING HOW TO PLAY THE GAME!” Matt interrupted before Vinyl could start explaining the joke to Luna.
Hm, socially retarded Luna is retarded I see.
You try being on the moon for a thousand friggin’ years and see how well you fit into society afterwards.
Nah man, that’s flat out retarded. That was a basic sex joke, come on.
Maybe she’s just naïve?
Really? You of all people think that she is naïve?
… You have a point.
Matt sat down next to Luna and took the controller she was levitating into one hand. Luna watched carefully as Matt pointed to each button and joystick on the controller as he explained what each did.
“… So basically, it’s the same kind of controls as when you played Super Smash Bros with me back in Canterlot.” Matt stated “Like moving the control stick in a certain direction at the same time as tapping the button in order to do different attacks and such.”
Canthurrdurr?
“In Canterlot?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah, I played an emulator of SSB with Luna one night in Canterlot.” Matt replied.
“And you didn’t invite me? I’m sad now.”
“Yeah, whatever.” Matt replied as he stood back up and walked over to his previous spot next to Paul.
Chh, nice.
“So Luna, how badly did you beat Matt back in Canterlot?” I asked.
“I was sore after the first couple matches against her.” Matt replied before Luna could. She giggled.
“Yes, after our first two matches, I was able to defeat Matt quite successfully in the next rounds.” She said with a smile.
“Well, let’s see how you do against Paul and Vinyl.” Matt stated.
“Hey, why don’t you guys do teams?” I asked.
“Hmm? Teams? Why?” Paul asked.
“Might be fun, just go Luna and Matt against you and Vinyl and see what happens.” I replied.
“Sounds good.” Matt stated as he moved his blue-tinted cursor on the screen to the upper left corner, producing a flag with a colour on each of the player’s character choices as well as changing the character’s colour to suit their team.
“Umm, Jimmy? There are so many characters… Which one do I pick?” Luna asked. Suddenly Matt perked up.
“NOW, LUNA MY DEAR, I CANNOT EXPRESS MY DELIGHT~! IT’S ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, THAT SOMEWHERE OUT HERE IS A CHARACTER THAT SUITS YOU JUST RIGHT~!” Matt sang loudly.
… What in the flying blueberry fu-
“I can’t wait to get started, but first let me set a few rules~, it’s of the utmost importance the character I pick, is someone who’s mighty and strong~” Luna sang in reply. Paul and Matt looked to Luna with their mouths agape. Vinyl lowered her shades slightly to look at Luna as well. I wasn’t sure what Octavia was doing however. She probably just wanted the match to start.
As I was saying, what in the flying blueberry fuck muffins is going on?
… I don’t even know what the hell’s going on man…
MUFFINS?!?!
What the hell?! Who the fuck said that?!
MEEEE!!
Derpy?! Ho-
Can I have muffins?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BRAIN?!
More importantly, WHAT IS SHE DOING IN MINE?!
I don’t really know… Oh, gotta go, Carrot Top’s home, bye bye Jimmy!
What the… Derpy? You still there?
. . .
She’s gone.
I d-… What the fuck. Simply, just, what the fuck.
I’m as surprised as you; don’t even ask me about Derpy, bro…
“Oh man, that was awesome, where’d you learn that song?” Matt asked Luna.
“Celestia sometimes gives me the friendship reports that Twilight and her friends send me, that song was included in one of them.”
“Music… In a friendship report?” Matt asked.
“It’s magic, bitch. She ain’t gotta explain shit.” Paul replied. Matt stopped himself before replying, simply giving a shrug instead and picked Marth as his character, changing his team to blue instead of red.
“Should I stick with someone I know then?” Luna asked.
“I suppose, yes. Go Link, we’ll kick their asses.” Matt replied. Luna nodded and picked Link after changing her team’s colour to blue. Vinyl and Paul chose red team and then their characters of Mario and Fox respectively.
“You played Fox last round!” Matt yells.
“So?” Paul replies. Matt grumbles, knowing that his chances were even slimmer since Paul was using Fox again and presses start.
“My turn to pick the stage!” Vinyl shouts before anyone else could pick. She moves the cursor over the many stages to pick from. After a few moments, she toggles the stage select from the Brawl stages to the Melee stages and picks the Hyrule Temple stage.
“THREE!! TWO!! ONE!! GO!!” Shouted the narrator as the match began and the characters appeared one-by-one on the stage and burst into action the second he said ‘GO!!’.
Hey… Hey Jimmy…
Hm? What? I’m trying to watch Luna kick some ass, what is it?
Remember when Luna practically threw herself at you and you turned her down?
Oh fuck off, not right now.
Well I do; ohhhh yesssss… I see that clear as day… You were being such a bitch that day…
Man just sh-
Oh, I tell you, I bet she thinks you’re a total faggot now… Her, Vinyl, Octavia, even Matt and Paul… You know, rejecting pussy and all that…
Go fuck yourself up the a-
Oh, but you’d like that, wouldn’t you? I know you would…
Just fuck off!
Why? Too ashamed?
“COME ON LUNA!! KICK HIS ASS!!” Matt shouted, managing to completely derail my train of thought. I shook my head and looked towards the screen where a blue clothed Link and Fox wearing a red jacket were jumping around the stage attempting to deal a strong enough blow to knock each other off.
“Jimmy, are you all right?” Octavia asked “You look a bit shaken up.”
“I’m… I’m… Fine.” I replied.
Liar.
“Really, don’t worry…”
Liar.
“Just got lost in thought.”
Pants on fire.
“Come on; let’s get out of here for a bit.” I said as I motioned to Octavia with my hand to follow me. She hopped off the bed and followed me out of the basement apartment. As I closed the door behind us, loud shouts erupted from inside. From what I could tell, the shouts did not include Luna’s voice. Her voice certainly would have stood out if she had joined in. I opened the door to the studio and walked inside with Octavia.
“Well, now that we’re away from them, you can tell me what’s wrong.” She asked.
“Really, nothing’s wrong Octy.” I replied as I walked over to where my guitar leaned against a chair in the center of the room.
You fucking liar.
“Jimmy, I can tell something’s happening with you, can you please just tell me?” She asks again.
Listen to me…
“I promise I wo-”
“Listen to me!” I snapped, interrupting her plea.
I have absolutely nothing…
“I have absolutely nothing…”
To say to you about me.
“To say to you about me.” Octavia looked shocked and hurt.
“Now, we have a fucking show to practice for tonight. You idiots are off playing video games when we haven’t played any music together in nearly a week, I thought maybe you out of everyone would realise that and actually practice! But it looks like I was fuckin’ wrong about that, doesn’t it!?” I shouted angrily.
“I’m… Sorry…” Octavia replied quietly with her head hung low.
“Now, if you’re just here to continue pestering me about what’s supposedly wrong with me, I’ll just say there’s a whole LOT wrong, and tell you to leave unless you plan on rehearsing for tonight.” I stated as I sat down on the chair and picked up my guitar. Octavia looked at me with wide eyes that were swelling with tears.
“I… I’m just…” Was all she was able to utter before rushing out the door and slamming it behind her. I did not care for her leaving. I simply sat quietly and tuned my guitar.
Well what the fuck was all that for, dipshit?
What?! Excuse me?! Are you mad?! You’re the one wh-
Who actually said it?
Bu-
Who. Actually. Said. It?
Me, bu-
That’s all that matters. You did it.
I… Oh man… Octavia… Shittttt…
Yeah, you really fucked up there, didn’t you? Anyway, she shouldn’t come with y’all to the bar tonight.
What? W-
She’s not coming with you.
Well what if she wants to?
She won’t want to go anywhere with you.
Well no shit! Considering what you just m-
YOU. SAID. IT.
Yeah! And you’re a part of me! So it’s your f-
What’s my fault?
Wh-
NOTHING IS MY FAULT. IT’S YOU. IT’S ALL YOU. IT’S ALWAYS YOU.
B-
WHEN WILL YOU UNDERSTAND THIS?
I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t even recall why I was in the studio to begin with. I put down the guitar a little more roughly than I usually would have and stormed out of the studio. From the basement apartment I could still hear cheers and yells, telling me the gaming hadn’t stopped. It also meant Octavia didn’t go back in, or she did and none of them cared to acknowledge her. Both situations were equally possible. I headed upstairs to my room, not bothering to look around to see if Octavia was still in the house. Upon reaching my room, I slammed the door behind me.
I woke up. I was lying on my stomach across my bed. I lifted myself up slowly and sat up at the edge of my bed. I rubbed my face with my hands. After a few moments, I looked out the window, from what I could tell, it looked like morning.
That was one hell of a dream.
What dream?
I had a dream that Matt and Paul had a Wii here and they were playing Brawl with Luna and Vinyl. Then suddenly I was yelling at Octavia about something… I felt really bad about it after…
Really? Well…
Yeah, it was weird…
Say, who’s that lounging in your bed?
In my bed? Wha…?
I looked behind me to see a large lump in the bed. As I followed the lump to the head of the bed, I noticed it was rather large.
“Oh fuck…” I said as I looked to the head of the bed to see Luna’s head resting on a pillow.
“Well, I guess she must have slept over after she came to calm me down last night… Right?” I asked myself nervously.
She left after she calmed you down, remember?
“Well I guess she came back then.” I replied.
You went downstairs and talked to Vinyl after she left.
“So? Doesn’t mean she…”
You came back upstairs and went to sleep and there was no one else in your bed.
“May… Maybe… Maybe she…”
You woke up yesterday afternoon and went downstairs to hear about how Paul had his Wii here and how Vinyl and Octavia had bought a TV recently. You followed them downstairs after going to the bathroom where you found Luna.
“… No… No… I…”
After watching Luna get set up to play Brawl, you went into the studio with Octavia…
“No…”
You got angry with her…
“I did no such thing…”
You yelled at her…
“I did not…”
She left the studio crying because of what you said to her…
“SHUT UP!!” I yelled “JUST SHUT UP!!”
“Jimmy?” I heard Luna’s voice call “Are you alright?” She asked as she got out of the bed and looked over to me.
“Luna, Luna, tell me what happened last night.” I asked her as I jumped across the bed onto her side and looked her straight in the eyes. Her expression showed a great deal of confusion.
“Jimmy, are y-”
“Luna, please just tell me what happened last night as of when we left for the Clop Bar! If we even went, please!” I pleaded.
“Well, if you insist…” She said taking a seat on the bed next to me.
What must have been the next hour was spent revisiting the events of last night. With every word Luna spoke, my memory of the night before came back in full force.
“So, let me get this all straight…”
It was around nine o’clock that I had finally emerged from my room after my outburst towards Octavia. I headed downstairs to find our instruments sitting in the foyer ready for transport.
Well that’s nice of the lazy fuckers.
I opened the guitar case and examined the guitar closely to make sure the bastards hadn’t gotten any scratches or smudges on my instrument. There was going to be hell to pay if there was. Luckily for them, there weren’t either of the aforementioned impurities other than the small nick on the headstock I had caused nearly a year before. I heard footsteps approaching from the living room. I closed the case and turned around to find Paul standing in the entrance.
“Hey Jimmy, you ready to go?” Paul asked cheerfully. I scoffed.
“Of course I’m ready, why else would I be down here?” I snapped in reply, Paul looked at me in confusion.
“Uhh… You okay? You seem a little edgy.” He asked.
I’ve had enough of this incessant questioning. That’s all these people seem to care about, feelings. Pathetic.
“Where are the others? We have to leave soon.” I replied dodging the silly question.
“They should be along in a minute.” He replied after a moment’s hesitation.
“Good.” I replied as I knelt down and checked my effects pedal to make sure no one had moved any of the knobs.
Of course the fuckin’ reverb’s been changed… Oh look, my overdrive’s at maximum too…
I turned my reverb to the zero position and the overdrive level to just over the halfway point. I looked over to the rest of the instruments and equipment and realised something was missing.
“Where’s the cello?” I asked.
“Oh, Octavia’s not feeling well.” Paul replied “She’s gonna stay home tonight. Vinyl’s staying too.”
Hmph. Like I care.
“I see.” I replied flatly as I stood up from my kneeling position “Go get Luna and Matt. We should leave now so we can set up before ten.”
“Sure.” Paul replied simply as he headed down to the basement.
Feh, Octavia’s pathetic just like the rest. She’s no different. She can’t even put aside her feelings to do what she loves. The only reason we’re going to this shit-hole tonight is for her. Well, if that’s how she’s going to get on about it, then that’s her business. I couldn’t care less if she never came to the bar. I couldn’t care less if she just dropped off the face of this planet.
Paul emerged from the basement stairway with Matt and Luna in tow. They both seemed to be bursting with excitement. I couldn’t comprehend why; we were only going to a shitty bar to play music to an incredibly small crowd of about five or six ponies.
I turned around and picked up my things, ignoring the humans and pony princess.
“Come along then, we’re wasting time.” I stated as I put down the guitar case to lean against the wall next to the door. I opened it and picked up the case again, walking out into the street and down the road towards The Clop Bar.
Luna trotted happily out the door and down the road after me. Matt and Paul stood in the doorway for a moment, observing me hurry down the street.
“Is Jimmy okay? He seems… Angry…” Matt asked Paul.
“He seems it… Maybe he’s on his period…” Paul replied earning a chuckle from Matt.
“I’m sure he’ll come around when we get there.” Matt stated with some optimism in his voice “Come on, then.” He said as he walked out the door and into the street. Paul closed the door and locked it, following Matt down the road.
I reached The Clop Bar at precisely twenty one minutes past nine. Luna happily skipped along beside me humming to herself. She reminded me of that pink nuisance of a pony that I had lived with when I first arrived in this place. I set my things down inside the bar in the little corner that was designated for the musicians. I looked to the bar where there was no bartender. It was at that moment when I realised Luna and I were the only ones present in this establishment. Surely Cherry must be around here somewhere.
She’s some bartender, leaving the bar unattended like this.
“So what are you going to play tonight?” Luna asked cheerfully. I sighed.
“I don’t know Luna.” I replied “I don’t decide what I’m playing until it’s time to play.”
“How come?” She asked. I responded with another sigh.
“It lets me figure out what I actually want to sing and allows me to sing only songs I’m comfortable performing. See, when I make a set beforehand, I end up making a point to stick to it, and most of the time, it’s got one or two songs I’m not comfortable enough with and I end up screwing them up either vocally or on guitar which makes me screw up my vocals.”
“I suppose that makes sense.” Luna replied “Where is the bartender?”
“Not a clue.”
“JIMMY!!” Shouted a voice, making me brandish my guitar like a sword and get into a defensive stance facing the general direction in which the yell came. I sighed in annoyance as I realised it was only the pink nuisance.
Oh dear Jesus Christ… She just had to be here, didn’t she? She just had to make that kind of entrance, didn’t she?
She hopped over to me and gave me a very unwanted hug of which I failed miserably to release myself from.
“Pinkie; please let me go.” I asked before trying to remove her forcibly.
“Nope! Paulie told me you were being a grumpy-pants, so I’m not letting go until you’re not wearing your grumpy pants anymore!” She replied holding me tighter.
That’s somewhat disturbing if you put it into a different context.
I looked over to Paul who stood in the doorway with a smug look on his face. Matt put down his saxophone case on the bar and started putting together his instrument.
“Well maybe you should tell Paul to do the laundry when it’s his turn so I don’t have to wear the ‘grumpy pants’.” I replied releasing myself from the pink pony’s iron grip.
“Wait, seriously?” Matt asked “You still haven’t done the laundry?”
“I… I was getting around to it!” Paul replied.
“That’s what you said yesterday!” Matt scolded.
I tuned out the discussion for the most part and grinned as Matt and Paul fought over why Paul should do the laundry. I set up my microphone and guitar and was ready to play as of ten o’clock as designated by Cherry who I still had not seen for the night.
“Is Twilight Sparkle coming tonight?” Luna asked Pinkie who had jumped behind the bar.
“Oh yeah! Her and the rest of the gang! Even Spike’s coming! Well, maybe, if he can stay awake he’ll come.”
Perfect… Our only audience for tonight is late… Not that I expected anything different.
“Anypony else?” Asked Matt as he closed up his case and rested it on the floor next to the bar.
“Well, I hope a lot of ponies!” Pinkie replied as she filled each mug with cider “I told everypony who came to Sugar Cube Corner since Wednesday to come down here.”
Matt gave a simple ‘hmm’ in response to what Pinkie had said as he took a mug of cider from the bar. At that moment, Twilight and company had arrived at the bar.
Oh look, it’s the inbred, the materialist, the show-off, the paranoiac, the nerd and her fax machine… Yay…
“Hi everypony!” Twilight greeted as she walked into the bar with her group. Matt, Paul and Pinkie greeted the five ponies and dragon in response. I stayed quiet and finished setting up my microphone. I looked down at my effects pedal and noticed several knobs had been switched yet again. I groaned and bent down to turn the knobs back to what they should have been.
“Hi Jimmy.” A quiet voice greeted. The voice undoubtedly belonged to the paranoiac of the ponies present “Umm… I was wondering, if you don’t mind me asking, if you could maybe play Last Night On Earth please? I really like that song, and I haven’t heard it in such a long time…”
Oh my Goddddd… Get her to shut upppppp… She’s so fucking annoyinggggg…
I did not respond, I simply continued to switch the knobs back to their original spots. Then I had an idea. A mischievous grin crept across my face. I switched the overdrive level to maximum. I stood up straight and tapped the overdrive button with my foot and set the volume to maximum, keeping one hand resting on the strings so nothing would ring out. I turned around and set the amp’s volume to full. I looked to the bar, everypony was lost in conversation.
Perfect.
“Jimmy?” Asked the frightful yellow pegasus. I gave a low chuckle. I quickly set the mic volume to maximum on the PA system and turned back towards the bar. At the most opportune moment, I strummed a quick E power chord and gave a scream into the microphone. Fluttershy fainted as soon as I struck the chord; Spike, Twilight and Pinkie fell off of their barstools, tumbling onto the floor, the others jumped slightly and looked towards me.
Before anyone or pony could scold me for scaring them, Spike and Pinkie suddenly burst into a fit of hiccups. Pinkie laughed between hers while Spike failed to get to his feet, shooting small bursts of green flame with every hiccup which prevented him from standing up. Rainbow Dash burst out laughing upon seeing the pink pony and dragon attempting to stand up.
“Good one Jimmy! You really got them good!” She said between her own fits of laughter.
“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight scolded “Stop laughing! That wasn’t fun-*hic*… Oh no…” Rainbow Dash dropped to the floor with a loud thud, laughing from the purple mare’s plight. In the meantime, Rarity had walked over to where Fluttershy stood. I had already gone back to setting everything back to their original volumes and tones.
“Jimmy, that wasn’t very nice! You know how easily frightened Fluttershy is!” Rarity chastised.
“Oh bite me; I was just having some fun with you guys.” I said as I rested my guitar against the wall.
“You still should have known that Fluttershy wouldn’t have reacted well to a prank of that kind!” She retorted. I stepped closer to Rarity and put my face close to hers.
“As I said, bite me.” I whispered, glaring into her eyes. After a few moments I stood up straight again and walked past her “Also, move your garbage , we’re performing in a few minutes.” I stated gesturing to the unconscious pegasus as I walked out of the bar. Rarity stared at me with her mouth agape as I left. I didn’t care to pay attention to what the others were doing for it was not within my list of concerns. There was a tree that stood just the entrance to the bar I decided to lean against. It was at that moment when I noticed a large group of ponies coming towards the bar.
It looks like the pink one’s determination to acquire an audience has paid off in full. We should make a point not to show our thanks for this.
I nodded to myself in reply and grinned…
“Oh Jesus… What the hell was I smoking last night?” I groaned as I fell back onto my bed burying my face in it.
“From what I saw, it was only regular cigarettes.” Luna replied as she lay down on the bed next to me. My eyes widened in surprise as I took my face out of the mattress. I quickly thrust a hand into my right pocket and pulled out a small rectangular box. Inside it were several cigarettes.
“Oh for fuck’s sake…” I groaned again as I thrust my face back into the bed “Mmph mm bmphsmit.”
“What is the matter with one’s smoking habits?” Luna asked “I do not see the issue with this.” I lifted my face out of the bed again.
“It’s not the smoking, that’s minor! It’s the everything else that’s the problem… Snapping at Octavia and Rarity, scaring Fluttershy like that… Ughhhhhhhh…” I replied. Luna rubbed my head lightly with a hoof.
Wait a minute. Why was Luna sleeping with me in my bed?
“Hey… Luna? Not to sound rude or anything, but what were you doing in my bed?” I asked.
Pleasenothingnaughtypleasenothingnaughtypleasenothingnaughty…
“I was only sleeping in your bed, Jimmy, nothing more. I promise.” Luna replied with an ensuring smile. I still wasn’t sure whether to trust her completely, but then again it didn’t really matter. I couldn’t recall anything past what she had told me about last night.
“Alright, just checking.” I replied.
*yaaaaaaaawn* Mornin’…
The fuck? You were awake earlier!
What? Nigga you crazy, you know that I always wake up after you unless I wake you up first.
I j- You know what? Whatever. You were awake this morning. You told me about what happened yesterday and I shouted at you, remember?
You’re tripping balls man, I haven’t been awake until just now. To be honest, I can’t remember yesterday right now, lemme check your memory… Oh… Oh… Cool, we got Brawl… What the hell? Wait, you thought… Why are you yelling at Octavia? Guy, what the fuck are you thinking?! Oh what the FUCK man! You can’t scare Fluttershy like that! That’s fucking cruel! You best go fucking apologise right fucking now! I’m not letting you friggin’ leave last night alone as if it never happened!
I wish it never happened…
Yeah? Well guess what? IT FUCKING DID. Because of your stupid shit, you snapped at Octavia, scared the fuck out of Fluttershy and semi-threatened Rarity!
I wasn’t thinking straight! I don’t even remember doing any of this! Don’t you find it funny how there’s a big chunk of memory missing after that big group of ponies was coming to the bar?
What are you tal-… Oh… Wow… That’s weird… What the fuck were you smoking?
Regular cigs…
Really? Cool, I guess. Anyway: You. March downstairs right fucking now. Go apologise to Octavia. March the fuck over to Rarity’s. Apologise. Get the fuck back here. Get your guitar. Go to Fluttershy’s. Play her fucking request, because looking at your thought pattern last night, I can bet you a hundred thousand bits you never fucking played it.
I’ll take that bet. I like that song, I planned on playing it, I’m pretty sure I did.
“Hey Luna, did I play Last Night On Earth at the bar?” I asked. Luna thought for a brief moment.
“No, not that I remember.”
Score motherfucker.
Goddamnit.
“Goddamnit.” I groaned as I buried my face in my hands as I sat up on the bed. “Okay, Luna, I have to go. I gotta talk to Octavia and then Rarity and then I gotta get back here and get my guitar then go to Fluttershy’s.”
“Why do you have to talk to Octavia?” She asked.
“I said some things I shouldn’t have said to her yesterday. I need to set things right.” I replied as I stood up and stumbled out of my bedroom. As I headed down the stairs to the ground floor, my train of thought stopped me in my tracks only a couple steps down.
This is urgent! Stairs take too long! Jump down the steps!
Are you ret-AAAAAGH!
It always works in the movies! Let’s do this! LEEROOOOOOOOYYYYY-
I jumped down the flight of stairs in the direction of the front door. On my way down, I realised I was not going to land on my feet, before I could brace myself for impact however, I landed flat on my face at the bottom of the steps. I could hear Matt's voice in my head, warning me about the stairs and calling me bro.
… Jenkins… Uggggghhhh… At least I have chicke- Oh… Right… Ponyland… Fuck… I don't even have chicken...
Wow man… I didn’t even tell you to jump this time… You’re an idiot, you know that?
SHUT UP.
After a moment or two of calling for help until someone got their lazy ass downstairs to help me up, I got to my feet again and traversed the stairs to the basement, deciding not to jump down them this time. I reached the end of the hallway and knock on the door to Octavia and Vinyl’s room. I knocked on the door softly with a slow three knocks and waited for an answer. The door enveloped in a blue aura as it opened slightly revealing a white unicorn standing behind it.
“Hey Jimmy, what’s up?” She asked in a less happy tone than usual as she opened the door wider.
“Hey Vinyl,” I greeted in reply “I need to speak to Octavia for a moment, if she’s still asleep it can wait, bu-” Vinyl held a hoof in the air signalling for me to stop talking.
“She’s awake; I’ll tell her you want to talk to her.” She stated before closing the door. I waited for a few moments before I saw the handle turn and the door open. In the doorway stood a grey mare with a very well-groomed black mane who wore a pink bow-tie. She opened the door wide enough so she could walk outside, I closed the door behind her quietly.
What the hell do I say?
Oh God, you’re retarded. I wanted to tell you before you jumped down the stairs, but I didn’t get to. Now that I have the chance: You’re retarded, and I’m assuming direct control.
Wait, what?
“Hello Jimmy,” Octavia said in a very dull voice “What do you w-” She was interrupted as my arms flung around her in a tight hug. Her breathing paused for a moment as she took in what was going on. She surely did not expect this type of reaction from me.
Well, that was a good move.
Trust me, there’s a lot more where that came from, watch this.
“Octavia,” I started as I loosened the hug slightly and looked her in the eyes “I honestly don’t remember a word of what I said to you yesterday, but I know that what I said was not nice to say the very least. I want you to know that I am really and truly sorry.” Octavia looked away from me for a brief moment, but I kept my gaze steady.
“The person you saw yesterday was not me, okay? That wasn’t Jimmy, okay? That was… I don’t know; Chris, or something.” I said attempting to make some light of the situation with a little joke “Just know that who you’re seeing right now, is Jimmy. Jimmy is not that guy who yelled at you yesterday, that wasn’t Jimmy at all. This misplaced-in-time human that you’re looking at right now, is Jimmy. You understand?” Octavia nodded her head and allowed herself a smile. She lifted her forehooves and wrapped them around me, embracing me in a hug which I returned immediately.
Nice moves; buddy. I should let you take control more often.
I thought you’d learnt that after the dragon.
Nah, I was in too much pain to note that, sorry.
Well fuck you too.
“Anyway, listen Octy, I gotta go to Rarity’s and then I gotta make a mad dash for Fluttershy’s right afterwards.” I said breaking the embrace.
“What for?” She asked.
“I kinda fucked up with them too, so now I gotta run and apologise to them as well.” I replied as I opened the door to the studio where I was blasted by saxophone soloing which made me jump slightly.
“Sounds like you’ve had a grand old time with messing up yesterday!” Octavia half-shouted over Matt’s sax playing.
“Yeah! It would seem so!” I replied as I closed the door.
I walked over to the rack of string instruments holding a double bass, two cellos, an acoustic guitar and a Hoofson guitar. I took the acoustic guitar from the rack. As I turned to head back out of the studio, Matt had decided to stand directly in front of my path while playing his sax, dry-humping it as he did. Matt was wearing nothing but a pair of sunglasses and tight leather pants.
God knows how he convinced Rarity to make those for him.
He must’ve had them when he came to Equestria.
It took me at least two minutes to exit the studio due to Matt’s continuous blocking with his stupid, sexy shenanigans.
“What took you so long?” Octavia asked as I closed the door behind me.
“Oh, you know,” I started as I headed down the hallway “Shenanigans.” I said finishing my statement as I walked up the stairs.
Alrighty, that’s phase one complete. Phase two is in progress, let’s go!
Wooooooooooooooo!
I headed out the front door and into the street, shutting the door behind me and running down the street with my destination in mind.
This was a stupid idea.
REMEMBER WHO IS IN DIRECT CONTROL RIGHT NOW. HERE’S A HINT, IT’S NOT ME.
Ugggghhhhh…
I regretted the decision to run all the way to Carousel Boutique. It really was quite unnecessary. The place was quite far from our house, and I had decided to take a longer route than usual to get here. The fact that I was unfit as hell did not help my situation. I knocked on the door to the boutique harder than I had intended.
Nigger what are you doing?
What? I’m knocking on the door like a civilized human being.
Nigger this is a shop. You don’t need an invitation to go in.
Oh… Right…
I opened the door and walked inside the boutique, I had intended to call for Rarity, but I was too out of breath. I stood in the center of the display room, catching my breath. As soon as I thought I had enough breath to call her, I was halted by laughter emanating from the kitchen. Two voices were the source of the laughter; one voice was Rarity’s and the other was more than likely Paul’s. I stepped inside the kitchen, catching Paul’s attention straight away.
“Hey Jimmy, you’re just in time for tea.” Paul stated. I noticed the teapot and two teacups on the table as well as the plate of cookies.
Teaaaaa… Nooooo… Not hot drinks… Need cold drinks… Iced tea… Please…
Oh Goddamnit son, just give me control again.
Fiiiine… Good luck talking with no breath though…
“Rarity… Agh… Gimme… Minute… Ran… All way… House… Here…” I said holding out a hand gesturing them to wait a moment for me to speak “Paul… Could you… Get… Water… Me… Please?” Paul nodded and got up from his seat to go get me a glass of water. As my breathing became steadier, and Paul had given me a glass of water, I took a seat at the table with the white unicorn and the human.
“Rarity, I’m sorry for my behaviour last night.” I started “I wasn’t myself last night, if it weren’t for Luna telling me about everything I did yesterday this morning; I would not remember anything I said or did.” Rarity had not said a word the entire time I had been present. She simply sat and took in what I had to say.
“God, yesterday, I snapped at Octavia, then I pranked Fluttershy with malicious intent then I snapped at you too. Does that sound like the Jimmy you know, Rarity?” I asked. She stayed silent for a moment.
“No. No, it doesn’t sound like the Jimmy I know.” She replied.
“Right, now, look at me. Listen to me. This is the real Jimmy. Not the person you saw yesterday. I don’t know who that was. I’m sorry I was that person yesterday, can you forgive me, please?” There was another pause from Rarity, but she did allow herself a smile at last.
“I forgive you Jimmy.” She stated “But tell me, have you apologised to Octavia and Fluttershy yet?” She asked.
“Octavia, yes. Fluttershy, not yet, I decided to apologise to you first because you were on the way. Speaking of which, I gotta go.” I replied as I got up from the table grabbing a cookie. As I walked out of the kitchen, I stopped myself and turned back to the two.
“Umm… How were we last night?” I asked.
“Music-wise? You were magnificent as always, darling.” She replied with a smile. I smiled back.
“Paul? You feel the same?” I asked.
“Yeah, we did awesome. There was something different about your playing last night though.” He stated.
“I’m not surprised. Anyway, as I said; the person you saw yesterday was not me. It really wasn’t, okay?” I asked. The two nodded in reply. I smiled at them and headed out of the boutique.
Phase two complete. Final phase commencing.
Co-ordinates locked in and set.
Punch it.
Fluttershy’s cottage came into view. I had decided to walk this time rather than run. Running was something I planned not to do unless I was being chased by some kind of monster that decided to emerge from the Everfree at this particular moment. The sun was setting opposite her cottage. The scenery had an orange glow that almost made me want to take back up painting just so I could paint one picture of Fluttershy’s cottage at this time of day. I took the guitar off my back. The time had come for me to play her request. From the sound of my attitude yesterday and what I could remember, chances are I never played her request. It was time to change that.
I quickly tuned the guitar to the best of my ability and walked towards the cottage. As I reached the front door, several different types of birds flew out of the window of the cottage, going back to the birdhouses outside. Through the window they had flown through, I saw a white rabbit poke its head out. It gave me an angry look and slammed the window shut.
Well that was fucking weird.
Yeah… It’s like as if he looked right at me and shot me an angry glare…
That rabbit is trouble…
Well, better play the song. You taking it or me?
You better take this one, I’ve done enough apologising for one day. Also, you can take example from the other apologies I’ve done for Octy and Rarity to help you with Fluttershy.
Sure.
I held down an A chord and strummed loudly, I quietly picked at the notes and moved to an A2 chords, then an A3, then A7, following the same pattern of a loud strum followed by some picking for each chord. Then I went to a D and D minor and lastly an A to complete the pattern.
“I text a postcard, send to you, did it go through? Sendin’ all my love to you…” I sang, starting the first verse “You are the moonlight of my life, every night, givin’ all my love to you…” Upon finishing the verse, I moved to a D chord, signalling the start of the chorus.
“My beating heart belongs to you, I walked for miles ‘til I found you…” I sang, I could hear light footsteps approach the door “I’m here to honour you, if I lose everything in the fire; I’m sending all my love to you…” I then played a small fill, soloing around A, just because it fit there. And it was in the song anyway. I continued to sing the next verse and chorus…
With every breath that I am worth, here on Earth,
I’m sendin’ all my love to you…
So if you dare to second guess, you can rest,
Assured that all my love’s for you…
My beating heart belongs to you,
I walked for miles ‘til I found you,
I’m here to honour you, if I lose everything in the fire,
I’m sendin’ all my love to you…
I then played the chords to the verse as Fluttershy opened her door. She was smiling wide as ever. Several birds flew out and rested on my shoulders, they harmonised with my playing, creating some kind of vocals solo until the chorus came around one last time.
My beating heart belongs to you,
I walked for miles ‘til I found you,
I’m here to honour you, if I lose everything in the fire,
Did I ever maaaaaake… It through…?
I played the chord progression one last time as the birds harmonised with it. I was beginning to like these birds. As long as they didn’t take a shit on me, I was cool with them.
Birds better not take a shit on this shirt! This is a comfy fuckin’ shirt!
As I strummed the last A chord, Fluttershy flew over to me beaming.
“Oh Jimmy, that was lovely!” She exclaimed quietly.
implying she could be louder.
“Thanks Fluttershy,” I replied as the birds flew back inside the house “Listen, I came over because I wanted to apologise for last night…” I walked inside after Fluttershy motioned for me to follow her. We sat down on her couch and I proceeded to tell her what I had told Rarity and Octavia earlier today. Fluttershy was beaming the entire time, which made me begin to question myself as to whether the apology was necessary. It felt as though the only apology she needed was me playing that song for her.
“… Say, Fluttershy? Did I ever play that song last night?” I asked even though I already knew the answer.
“No, you didn’t, but I’m glad you didn’t!” She replied.
lol wait wut?
“If you played it last night then you would never have come here and played it as nicely as you did!”
Oh, that’s where she was going with that.
“Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I was just seeing something…” I replied.
That other voice man, it’s not good.
There’s an even bigger problem with him other than him taking over.
What’s that?
Well, for one thing, I’ll never know if he’s there and you’re not. Remember how you told me you had only just woken up this morning?
Yeah… Wait a minute… Are you saying he sounds just like me?!
Yeah…
So you won’t be able to tell if he comes back?!
Nope…
You won’t know until it’s too late… Goddamnit… We gotta be on our guard then, avoid triggers or something.
How do you propose we do that?
I don’t know! Surround yourself with flowers, start meditating, yoga, I don’t know! Just something that doesn’t trigger those damn nightmares again!
I can’t control my subconsc-
“Jimmy?” Fluttershy asked waving a hoof in front of my face.
“Oh, sorry Fluttershy, I was just thinking… Too much… You were saying something?” I asked.
“Well, no, but it was getting quite late and I was wondering if you wanted to stay for dinner. If that’s okay with you, I mean, if you don’t have any plans…” She replied. I smiled.
You can’t stay.
Why the fuck not?
We have to get home and talk to Luna about this shit.
But-
No. Have I ever led you wrong?
No.
Good, we’re going home to talk to Luna. Maybe get her to ask Celestia or something, I don’t know, okay? But I don’t like the idea of another voice in this head!
DID SOMEONE SAY ANOTHER VOICE?!
AGH! DERPY! GODDAMNIT SHOO! SHOO! OUT! THIS IS MY HEAD! NOT YOURS! OUT! OUT! NOW!
He’s right, Derpy, three’s a crowd. This head’s too crowded as it is. Sorry, we’ll meet up sometime though, okay? Muffins are on me.
Yaaaaay! Muffins!
See ya!
Bye bye!
… How’d you do that?
It’s Derpy, man. Yelling at her isn’t sending her anywhere. Muffins however…
You got a point. Anyway, tell Fluttershy we can’t stay. Got plans, or whatever.
“Sorry Fluttershy, I’d really, really like to, but I’ve got some plans tonight. I gotta meet with Luna for dinner, see?” I replied “But I’ll take a rain check on that dinner though. I’ll take you out somewhere nice, okay?”
“Oh, okay then.” She replied. I brushed her hair with my hand.
“Don’t worry, we’ll go out real soon, tomorrow if you’d like even, okay?” I asked.
“Can we really go out tomorrow?” She replied.
D’AWWWWW SHE’S SO CUTE WHEN SHE’S EXCITED, LOOK AT HER!!!
“Of course my dear, I’ll come by around seven, okay?”
“Okay!” She replied happily.
After arranging the next day’s dinner plans and our goodbyes, I left the cottage with a sense of accomplishment for today. I fucked up bad yesterday, but today I was able to take all those fuck ups and fix them.
“Now all I have to do is make sure that side of me never comes out again.” I said to myself as I walked through the streets of Ponyville. It was unusually quiet tonight despite the young hour of the night.
That’s why we’re going to talk to Luna.
“Eeyup.” I replied as I picked up the pace, home was in sight and I wanted to get some answers from Luna...
With A Little Help From My Friends
I burst through the large wooden door, almost taking it with me into the house, slamming it behind me immediately after. I saw Matt appear next to the stairs to the second floor from the dining room.
“Hey Jimmy, where you been al-”
“CAN’T TALK NOW. MUST LUNA.” I interrupted him as I bolted up the stairs faster than that one black guy from the Olympics.
All I know is that he would be the best petty thief in the world.
Why?
He’s the fastest man in the world.
So? Hold on… Wait a Goddamn m-
HE’S BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!
I arrived at the top of the stairs, skidding on the carpet at the top nearly sending myself flying back down the stairs headfirst. Luckily, I held onto the railing tightly, flinging myself around the corner with all the strength in my right arm.
Heh, built up from fap-
SHUT UP.
“Warned you about stairs bro!” Matt shouted in reply.
“SHUT UP.”
I flung open my bedroom door, hearing a weak creaking noise as it slammed into the wall and back towards its closed position.
Goddamnit, I’m no handyman, I won’t be able to fix that.
Nigger, it creaked.
So?
Get some WD-40 on the motherfucker!
Ahh, you speak wise words!
ANCIENT CHIRESE SECRET! Now run along! You have Lunas to find!
Yes indeed I do.
“Luna!? Luna you here?!” I yelled as I threw the sheets off my bed, hoping that she would be under them through some miracle or the other. I moved towards the closet door and flung it open to find nothing but clothing on hangars and two pairs of shoes on the floor.
“Luna?!” I yelled again hoping she would appear out of nowhere like she had this morning.
Wait a minute.
What?
She appeared in the bathroom this morning, right?
… Yeah…?
IF I WAIT IN THE BATHROOM, SHE’LL APPEAR AGAIN!
No she won’t y-
LUUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Well you go have fun, enjoy.
I ran out of my bedroom, yanking the door open as hard as I could again, a loud thump resounded throughout the house as the door was newly acquainted with his soon-to-be best friend, the wall. I quickly found myself in the second floor bathroom, not bothering to open the door this time due to its open state.
Lucky door.
“Luuuunaaaaa~…” I called as I looked around the small bathroom playfully as though I knew that she was hiding behind the completely open shower curtain.
“Jimmy, what in the flying blueberry FUCK muffins are you doing?” Matt asked as he poked his head into the bathroom slowly with the most confused expression he was capable of making.
“Looking for Luna.” I replied as I pulled the shower curtain closed and then suddenly opened it again in hopes of the blue alicorn appearing in front of me.
“Dude, she left this morning just after you nearly broke the door on your way to Rarity’s.” He said as he put a hand on my left shoulder as though signalling me to stop trying to tear the shower curtain. Naturally, I didn’t take this hint. Why would he want me to stop? It’s a stupid looking curtain anyway. I briefly stopped and turned my head to look at him.
“I don’t see your point.” I replied.
Dumbass, she’s not here.
“Dumbass, she’s not here.” Matt stated.
Oh… That’s what he was getting at… Shit.
“Oh… Right...” I replied as I let go of the shower curtain.
“Why? What’s up? You okay?” He asked.
Nope.
Nope.
“Yeah, I’m fine, just wanted to know where she went, that’s all.” I said as I left the bathroom, patting him on the back as I headed back to my room, closing the bedroom door softly behind me as I entered.
I didn’t bother to undress and put on different clothes, I was tired, all I could think about was how tired I was. But that wasn’t entirely true. There was something else on my mind. It was… Her.
I fell onto my bed face first, I decided to turn over onto my back, but not before noticing the guitar still strapped to my back. I groaned as I got up again and took off the guitar, leaning it against the wall and flopping back onto the bed.
“Ughhhh… Luna…” I said groggily as my consciousness slowly drifted away…
The full moon shone brightly in the night sky, complimented by the millions, or possibly billions, of stars that twinkled softly. In the distance ahead of me was a lone tree that stood in front of a large lake. The reflection of the sky shimmered off the surface of the lake.
I took a few steps forward, not truly knowing why. Something about the setting intrigued me in a peculiar way. Not only was it one of the most beautiful sights I had seen in my life, but I felt there was more to it than what I could immediately see, it gnawed at me.
Don’t suppose that’s why?
Huh, guess it is.
I stood a few feet away from the tree near the edge of the lake. I looked up to the full moon hanging above the water, taking in its luminous glow. All of a sudden I felt a presence at my side. I turned my gaze from the moon above to the Princess of the Night herself at my side, facing me. She was smiling. I found myself smiling back without a second thought or questioning what she was smiling about. She stepped closer and sat on the grass next to me, gazing out at the lake. I followed suit and sat down as well. After a few moments, she leaned over and rested her head on my shoulder, closing her eyes. I didn’t mind. It was… Nice.
Luna giggled softly; I looked to her as she lifted her head from my shoulder. She extended a hoof to me, still smiling the same smile she had had on her face the whole time. I slowly took her hoof in my hand. I suddenly felt the ground slipping away from underneath me; I looked below me to see the ground was getting further and further from my bottom. My legs now dangled freely in the air, I looked to Luna and saw that her wings were flapping, propelling us off the ground and into the night sky.
Another hoof took hold of my hand. I looked to the hoof then back to Luna’s face. She nodded to me slowly and suddenly let go of my hand. I flailed wildly in panic as I floated in mid-air next to Luna. I suddenly realised that I wasn’t falling once I heard Luna’s giggling once again. I stopped throwing my limbs around for a moment to look at her. She looked so pretty with the night sky behind her.
Luna took my hand in her hoof once again and nodded to me, her calm smile still adorning her face. I nodded in return even though I didn’t know what awaited me next. Before I could ask her what we were going to do however, we had started gliding through the air over the lake which I now found to be much larger than just a lake. It was more like an ocean. An ocean that reflected the night sky, making it appear as though there were two open seas of stars that we flew over and through.
She pulled me closer to herself, close enough that we were now embracing each other tightly. She looked me in the eyes as I looked into her own. She closed her eyes slowly as her face closed in on my own…
WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! WEE-WOO! CAPTAIN! THE SHIP IS UNDER ATTACK!
OH SHIT!! I HAVE TO ORDER THE TROOPS TO THEIR STATIONS!!
I suddenly sprang up to an upright sitting position and looked around the room for the source of the oddly voice-like alarm that was going off only a moment ago. We were under attack, no doubtedly by the pirates in the area, or if things were at their worst, the pirates and the Imperials. We’d have to scramble all our fighters immediately to provide cover while we make the jump to hyperspace.
Wait a fuckin’ minute.
BAHAHAHAHA!! GOT’CHA BITCH!!
Suddenly I realised I was not Admiral Jimmy of the Rebel Alliance as I groaned in disappointment. That shit would've been awesome. Even if I was about to die because the ship's sheilds were already down to thirty percent.
Fuck you man, I was having a good dream.
Oh come on, that was funny!
I rubbed my eyes and lay back down for a moment, breathing a sigh of relief that my ship was not actually under Imperial or pirate assault.
I kind of wish it was…
Yeah, that’d be awesome, commanding groups of space fighters and stuff would be pretty fuckin’ cool.
Indeed… Oh well. I need nourishment, and cider sounds pretty damn delicious right about now.
Bro, you remember any of your dream?
Yeah… A little.
What was going on again?
I think I was with Luna, we were flying around or… Something…
… Something? What kinda something? Is it a sexy kinda something?
Oh screw off, no it wasn’t.
I distinctly remember her moving really close to you; as if she was gonna kiss you.
No you don’t.
No I don’t.
That’s not the dream you’re looking for.
That’s not the dream I’m looking for.
I can go about getting some motherfucking delicious cider.
You can go about getting some motherfucking delicious cider.
Move along.
Move along. Move along.
After successfully using the Jedi mind trick on myself, I exited my room and took my time in going down the stairs to the foyer. After reaching the foyer, I heard laughter from the kitchen. It was the kind of laughter that comes from being told that the girl you’ve had a crush on for a few months wants to go out with you.
Upon entering the kitchen, I found Matt and Paul with their hands on over their mouths in an attempt to hide their wide open mouth smiles while failing to maintain their composure. At the kitchen table sat a small purple dragon. On the table was a glass with water and two scrolls, both of which were opened.
“Hey there Spike, what’s got these two pissing themselves?” I asked nonchalantly.
“Hey Jimmy, check out these letters and you’ll see.” He replied as he took the two letters in his claws and handed them to me.
“There a specific order I should read them?” I asked as I took them.
“Oh yeah, this one first,” He said as he put a clawed finger on the letter with frilly pink designs adorning the borders of the paper “And then this one.”
GAHHHHH IT’S SO GAY LOOKING LOOK AT THIS GAY PINK AND GOLD SHIT I MEAN WHO THE FUCK WOULD WRITE US A LETTER WITH SUCH A QUEER LOOKING BORDER?!
Princess Celestia.
Oh that makes sense then. Carry on.
“Princess Celestia cordially invites you to the wedding of Princess Miamore Cadenza and Captain Shining Armour of the Royal Eq-” I read aloud.
“YEAH YEAH, THAT’S DOESN’T MATTER!!” Matt shouted as he snatched the invitation from my hand and scrunched it into a ball and immediately shoved it into his mouth.
“Read this one! Read this one!” Paul said excitedly as he grabbed the other letter from the ground and handed it to me upside down. After turning the letter right-side up, I read the letter aloud.
“Dear Jimmy, Matt, Paul, Octavia and Vinyl,
I hope you all are as excited as I am about the upcoming wedding in Canterlot this week…”
“YOU BET YOUR ASS WE ARE!!” Matt shouted as he finished eating the wedding invitation, licking his fingers.
“As you all know, at weddings, music is a staple that must be present throughout the event. With that, I would like to request that you and your friends provide the music for the reception.”
“ISN’T THAT FUCKING AWESOME?!” Matt yelled as he attempted to snatch the letter from my hand again.
“It is, but could I finish reading this one before you eat this too?” I asked as I held the paper behind me in a feeble attempt to keep the parchment-eater away from it.
“NO!! IT TASTES LIKE RAINBOWS AND SUNSHINE AND I WANT MORE!! GIMME!!” He shouted as he grabbed at the letter, wrenching it from my hand and shoving it in his mouth without even bothering to ball it up this time. I quickly grabbed the part of the letter that was still on the outside of his mouth and snatched it before he could eat the part I had not read yet. Luckily, he had only managed to eat the greeting. I scanned the paper for the last thing I read as Matt happily munched on the paper that was in his mouth.
“You realise that Spike basically belches those letters out, right?” Paul asked Matt with a concerned look on his face. Matt stopped chewing for a moment as his eyes widened in horror. He stared at the floor blankly as he was no doubtedly questioning his next course of action in his head. Eventually he shrugged and continued to eat the parchment.
“Wow.” Spike said flatly.
“He’s like that sometimes.” Paul stated.
“Ah, here we go.” I said as I finally found the last few words I read.
“I hope that you five are up to the task. We shall pay you all for your efforts at the end of the ceremony. Also, do not worry about transporting your equipment all the way to Canterlot, I have dispatched a few of the guard to help transport the equipment there.
I hope to see you all soon.
Yours, Princess Celestia.”
“Can I have it now?” Asked Matt with puppy dog eyes. I sighed and handed him the letter as he bit the parchment and proceeded to impersonate the Cookie Monster as he ate the paper, movements and all.
“So what time are the guards supposed to get here?” I asked as I turned to Paul.
“DONE PACKING!” Shouted the voice of Vinyl as she entered the kitchen. “So where the off-duty royal guards at?”
“They are on duty, they’re coming here.” Paul replied.
“Exactly. So where the off-duty royal guards at?” She asked again as she took a seat next to Spike.
“They’re here, Vinyl.” Octavia said as she poked her head into the kitchen as two considerably large pegasus guards as well as a unicorn headed downstairs to the basement.
“Cool. Time to go!” Vinyl said as she clapped her front hooves together, getting off the chair afterwards.
“Uhh, the rest of us have to pack too.” I stated.
“Don’t care~!” She shouted as she exited the kitchen and followed the guards to the basement. Octavia sighed.
“I guess I should go pack Vinyl’s things as well as my own.” She said as she trotted downstairs as well.
“Alright then, let’s be ready within an hour, half an hour if you can manage it.” I said as I took a mug from a nearby cupboard and placed it on the counter.
“We’re already packed, man.” Paul replied.
“Is that so? Well then, give me about forty-five minutes or so and I’ll be ready to go.” I replied as I took the jug of cider from the fridge and poured the delicious golden liquid into the wooden mug. “In the meantime, help out Vinyl and the guards with the transport of the instruments, eh?”
“Yeah, sure.” Paul replied as he exited the kitchen with Matt.
“Want some cider, Spike?” I asked as I took the mug in my hand.
“Nah, it’s cool. I gotta get back to the library to help Twilight finish packing.” He replied as he hopped off the chair “See ya in Canterlot!”
“Alrighty buddy, see ya.” I said as Spike headed down the hallway and out the front door.
I wonder how they’re holding up down there?
They should be fine. I’m not gonna worry about them for now.
TIME TO PACK. OH BOY WHAT FUN.
Yeah… Fun… Bleghhhhh…
I downed my mug of cider in one single chugging session, leaving the now empty mug on the counter and made my way upstairs to my room to pack.
After almost precisely one hour, I had finished packing and our equipment was on its way to Canterlot with little to no help from Vinyl whatsoever.
Not that I expected anything different.
Nor I.
We had boarded the train bound for Canterlot and were nearly there, only about half an hour or so remained of the two hour train ride. The car we were sitting in was empty outside of the residents of our house. Matt and Paul were sitting together and seemed to be plotting something as they had a piece of paper and lots of crayons and kept drawing on an extremely crude floor plan of a building. Octavia was asleep and resting her head on Vinyl’s shoulder as Vinyl gazed out the window of the train. I sat across from the two mares simply listening to my iPod and trying to decide on a fitting setlist. Out of my repertoire not much fit a wedding, much less a royal one.
“Whoa, Jimmy, check this out.” Vinyl said as she took off her shades to get a better view of what was outside. I turned my head to the right and looked at the odd purple bubble surrounding Canterlot. It shimmered in the light of the sun, a horizontal line of white light cascading down the bubble every few seconds.
“What’s that about?” I asked turning to face her.
“I don’t even know.” She replied quietly as she put back on her glasses slowly “Something’s up. I bet you twenty bits that’s not just standard royal wedding security precautions.”
“I agree.” I said as I sat back in my seat.
What the hell’s goin’ on over there then?
Haven’t the foggiest.
You think it’s some kind of war precaution?
Might be.
I wanted to continue my train of thought on the giant purple bubble surrounding the castle, but I knew nothing of the situation, so any further thought would be useless speculation. I looked at my iPod again and the list of two songs I had planned to play at the wedding. Dissatisfied with my current progress, I decided that I would have to continue this planning later on. I rested my head against the back of the seat and closed my eyes, slowly drifting away from the world around me and into an unconscious state…
Storm clouds cover the sky completely. It’s not raining yet, but it soon will be. Across the field stands the enemy army. From this distance, I can’t tell whether the soldiers are humans or ponies. The only two striking features about them are their black armour and their size. I look to my sides; at least I’m not the only one on this side of the field. White and grey ponies in golden armour with blue trim as far as the eye can see. Directly in front of me is a sword embedded in the ground. It’s the sword I slayed the dragon with all those months ago. I take the sword in hand and pull it out of the ground and turn my gaze to the so-called ‘Hundred Thousand Army’.
“Your orders, sir?” The pegasus next to me asks. I take a few steps forward, looking down at my armour as I do so. It’s a full suit of armour painted lime-green with golden trim. I turn to face my troops. They’ve certainly got their war faces on. I thrust my sword into the air. The soldiers stand at attention. I turn to face the enemy army with my sword still held above my head. I bring the sword back behind me as though I were about to lunge.
“RAAAAAAISE HELLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!” I shout at the top of my lungs as I thrust the sword into the air. In less than a second, squadrons of gold-clad pegasi fly over me. Grey unicorns and earth-ponies charge past me at blinding speed…
A sudden jolt of force all over my body wakes me from my nap. I see the trace of a purple wall disappear into the end of the car. Apparently I wasn’t the only one who was woken by the shock as Octavia was looking around in confusion, clutching Vinyl’s body for dear life.
“What the hell was that?” I asked with a crack in my voice as I stretched my arms.
“We just passed the security checkpoint before Canterlot.” Vinyl replied.
“So that was the bubble that we just felt then?”
“Yeah, they sure did a great job of disrupting the field there, didn’t they?” She said with extremely heavy sarcasm present in her voice. She turned to the grey mare beside her “Think you could let up the grip a little there, Octy?”
Octavia looked to Vinyl with a petrified and confused expression and then to Vinyl’s neck where Octavia’s hooves were wrapped. It took her a couple moments to realise that her hooves were tightly encircled around her snow-white friend and quickly released her once she finally found her hooves, blushing as she pulled her hooves closer to herself. I chuckled lightly to myself as I looked out to the purple tinted sky outside.
Methinks trouble is ahoof.
When the hell’d you start using pony-speak on an average basis?
Just now. But serious ting fadda, trouble ahoof.
What d-
Everything in my field of vision suddenly went dark.
“Guess who?” Said the voice of a particular cyan pegasus.
“Hey Rainbow Dash, what d’you reckon about this whole royal wedding deal?” I asked with my vision disabled by her hoof, or possibly hooves.
“Ehh, namby-pamby stuff, but I do get to do a Sonic Rainboom, so it’s a little cooler than the average one I guess.” She replied.
“Would you say…” Matt’s voice came into hearing range, “It’s about twenty per-” and before Matt could finish his sentence he was met with some form of attack to a particular part of his body that resounded throughout the car followed by a thump on the floor of the train. My vision was still blurred, so naturally it was Paul punching the cheeky bugger in the face to stop him from finishing the overused ‘catch-phrase’, sending Matt to the ground in the process.
Spot on, old bean.
Thank you, I try.
“That looked like it hurt,” Said the voice of Captain Pinkamena Obvious Pie. I could practically see her leaning over Matt’s limp body as she asked “You okay?”
“So Rainbow, can I have my vision back so I can confirm the body of Matt on the floor of the car with Paul and Pinkie leaning over him while he twitches like an epilepsy patient?” I asked. I could almost see her look over her shoulder to check if the image was complete.
“How the heck did you know?” She asked.
“I’m just very good.” I replied as my vision was unimpaired at last. Octavia and Vinyl had gotten out of their seats and were standing behind the mane six, as Matt and Paul called them, and Spike at the door, waiting for it to open. Through the small window of the door and the rest of the windows of the train, the station was coming into view. In no time at all, the train had completely stopped and the door opened.
“Whoa…” Rainbow Dash said as she poked her head out of the train, “What’s with all the guards?” Applejack and Rarity followed suit and looked around at the seemingly countless gold-clad royal guard patrolling the station.
“I’m sure they’re just taking the necessary precautions,” Rarity replied as they exited the train car “Royal weddings do bring out the strangest ponies.”
“AaaaaAAAAAAHHH-CHOOO!” Pinkie sneezed as she exited the car, confetti and a couple streamers flew out of her nose instead of the expected snot. Everypony looked to her in confusion, shock, or in Rarity’s case, nonchalance as Pinkie smiled and trotted along as if nothing happened.
Bro, that’s just plain fucking weird.
Eeyup…
I want to be able to do that.
No. We aren’t asking.
Yes we are.
No we fucking aren’t.
Fluttershy exited the car next followed by a seemingly disgruntled Twilight Sparkle.
“Now let’s get going! We’ve got work to do!” Rarity stated as she walked after Pinkie with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy in tow.
“And you’ve got a big brother to go congratulate!” Applejack said as she turned to Twilight who was still standing in the doorway of the car. Twilight hung her head.
“Yeah… Congratulate… Then give him a piece of my mind…” She replied as she trotted past two royal guards with an angry look on her face, the guard’s faces turned from easy smiles to looks of confusion as she passed.
I exited the car next. Instead of acknowledging the large number of soldiers patrolling and guarding the station, I turned my gaze to the purple sphere that surrounded the city.
“Fucking weird…” I said to myself aloud, but still quiet enough that it wasn’t audible to anyone or pony other than myself. Matt stumbled out of the car followed by Vinyl, Octavia and Paul, who all stumbled out far less than he did.
“Alrighty then, onwards to shenanigans!” Matt exclaimed as he pointed to the castle in the distance, placing a hand on his side.
“And weddings.” Paul added.
“AND BOOZE!!” Shouted Vinyl.
“Oh dear…” Octavia sighed, she walked over to my side “Shall we be on our way then?” She asked.
“Yeah, sure, not like we’ve got any baggage to wait for.” I replied “Come along guys.” I stated as we headed to the castle.
After a few minutes of walking and about halfway to the castle, Matt, Paul and Vinyl were walking together discussing something that seemed to be of great importance. Octavia had stayed by my side the entire time, keeping her pace constant, just as I had been doing.
“Jimmy?” She asked “What do you think they’re discussing so… Privately?”
“God knows,” I replied “Not that it’s important to us, eh?”
“I suppose.”
“It’s probably just some kind of stupid prank they’re gonna play on Celestia. Like make Spike send her a bazillion copies of some riddle that means ‘never gonna give you up’.”
“I’m… Not sure I understand. What do you mean?”
“Oh… Right, you wouldn’t have Rick Astley or Youtube or the internet here. Never mind, it’s too much to explain.” I could see Octavia shrug out of the corner of my eye. A fit of laughter erupted from the three stooges behind us. She turned to look at them, a baffled look adorning her face as she did. I turned to see Vinyl trying to compose herself as her shades nearly fell off her face, Matt and Paul both covering their mouths with at least one hand trying to contain their laughter, failing miserably. I turned my head to find myself nearly bumping into a grey unicorn wearing a top hat, monocle and a dark green suit, or, at least the upper body part of the suit. I then found that we were only moments away from the castle.
WOOOO! CASTLE!
“Come on lads, pick up the pace!” I yelled to the stooges as I pointed to Canterlot Castle. As Matt took notice, I could hear him start to sing ‘The Knights of The Round Table’ song from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Well, it is fitting.
I suppose.
Say… You thinking what-
Oh yeah.
I stopped in my tracks suddenly. Octavia came to a halt as well and Matt stopped singing as he nearly bumped into me.
“What’s the matter?” He asked.
“You know what? Let us not go to Canterlot. Tis a silly place.” I told him as I held a hand in front of me as if I were holding reigns and ‘trotted’ away from the castle.
“OY! YOU CAN’T BUGGER OFF NOW!” Matt shouted, I continued riding my imaginary horse down the road, refusing to look back at the surely priceless expressions on their faces.
"HE'S BUGGERED OFF HE HAS!" Paul exclaimed.
Before I got too far away, I broke my pose and found myself returning to the group with a silly grin on my face as we headed towards the rather silly Canterlot castle.
Upon reaching the gate, we were stopped by the two unicorn royal guards in front of the entrance, crossing their spears in front of us blocking our path.
“Halt.” One of them stated.
NAH. I WAS GONNA KEEP ON GOING THROUGH. NOT LIKE YOUR BIG FUCKING SPEARS WERE BLOCKING ME OR ANYTHING.
“Umm… We’re the entertainment for the wed-”
“Sir Callahan, Princess Celestia requests your presence in a private meeting immediately.” An older looking pegasus guard stated as he flew down from above. The guards pointed their spears skyward, allowing us to pass.
“My presence?” I asked holding a hand to my chest.
“Yes. Yours. Follow me. The rest of you can head to your rooms and unpack.” He replied as he turned to face the large wooden door past the arch of the entrance. I exhaled sharply nervously as I followed him. I turned to look at the others who wore confused expressions as they waved goodbye.
Don’t tell me she found that magazine I left here last time…
What magazi- Oh God…
That would be some serious shit to explain…
Yeah… Fuck.
I followed the guard up a lot of flights stairs. When I say a lot, I mean a metric SHIT TONNE OF FUCKING STAIRS. I had to take two rests because of the number of stairs. That’s how bad it was. Apparently we were in the highest tower where Celestia’s chambers were located.
Lucky bastard, getting to fly everywhere.
I know right?
[sarcasm] Too bad we can’t do that [/sarcasm].
Yeah, I kn- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. AAAAAAAGHH MY FUCKING HAT AAAAG- You know what, fuck it, we’re here anyway. I got my day’s exercise. No losses here.
“Open these doors and you’ll find the princess. She’s out on the balcony.” The guard stated.
“Thanks…” I replied as I opened the door.
“Oh, one more thing.” He said, I let go of the doorknob and looked to the guard.
“If she asks about bananas, don’t answer. Just run.”
Wat.
Wat.
“Wat.”
“Nah, just kidding you. But seriously though, you may want to run if she does ask that.” He stated. He saluted me and headed back down the stairs.
“Wat.” I said to myself again a few moments after he left. I stood in contemplation for a brief moment of exactly what the fuck that meant, but decided just to take the advice rather than question it.
What? Bananas are good! I like bananas! You should always bring a banana to a party, there’s so much you can do with it!
I can only think dirty things.
You tucking fwat, OTHER THINGS.
Really? You’re telling me about the things outside of dirty things I can do with a banana?
… Shut up.
I slowly opened the door. The room was a bedroom of some kind. It must be Celestia’s. Directly in front of me was a large circular bed in the center of the room with white sheets. Above the bed was a skylight which the sunlight shone through brightly. It made the bed seem to glow as if it were some kind of stairway to heaven.
WHERE DEM STAIRS AT THEN?
The room was painted white with golden trim. On the wall to my right was a large mural of Celestia and Luna.
Gee, must’ve sucked to look at that every day and night during Luna’s banishment.
Yep… Must have…
At the other end of the room was a doorway with no doors.
I GUESS WE’D CALL THAT AN ARCHWAY THEN YOU STUPID TWAT.
Through the archway, I could see the royal flank of Celestia.
Mmm mmm, dat plot.
What the fu-…
See?
… You know what, I’m gonna agree with you just this once. Dat plot.
I walked slowly across the room, trying to make as little noise as possible. I eventually made it onto the balcony. The view was amazing. You could see all of Canterlot from here. I looked down directly below the balcony, inside the castle walls, I could see the royal guard being assembled into groups in the courtyard.
“Jimmy, it is good to see you again.” Said Celestia. I was startled by it for a moment, I forgot she was here. I quickly found myself kneeling before her with my head bowed.
“It is good to see you too, Princess.” I replied “You have summoned me for something?” I asked.
“Yes, but please, stand up. You don’t need to be so formal around me. It is quite alright.” She replied. I obliged and stood up, facing her. She smiled for a moment, but the smile faded as quickly as it had appeared. She turned to the balcony rail and walked towards it, looking out over Canterlot.
“Surely you have noticed some changes since you were last here, haven’t you?” She asked.
“Yeah, I was gonna ask why the guards are all patrolling in such large numbers.” I replied.
SAY “AND DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY”!! SAY IT!! SAY EEEEET!!
“And you are probably wondering about the force field surrounding the city as well.” She stated. I looked to the sky and noticed the purple sphere once again.
“Yeah, that too.” I replied as I continued to look at it.
“A threat has been made against Equestria.” She stated “We aren’t sure who it is, but the threat is real.”
“Uh, you realise that could’ve been some little colt who decided to pull a prank, right?” I replied.
“Well, normally, that’s what we would think of such a letter. However, this one came with two of our own guard’s dead bodies, one of which was the body of the former Vice Captain of the Guard.”
You certainly feel stupid now, don’t cha?
Eeyup…
“Oh… Well… Err…” I stammered. Celestia turned to face me.
“Our army is not large enough to take on a nation. Nor do many of our commanders have battle experience with which to help them against an enemy attack.” She said with the most serious expression I had ever seen on her face.
“That’s certainly not good, but I don’t see h-”
“Kneel.” She stated.
“Wait, what?” I asked.
“Kneel.” She stated again. I looked around awkwardly as I got onto one knee in front of her.
YOU GON’ GET LOVED TENDERLY IN THE ASS.
How?
THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY.
“Jimmy, you have faced one of the greatest dangers on the field of battle. However, you were never properly rewarded for your astonishing feat.”
What does she mean? The dragon?
I… Guess so…
Celestia walked past me and stood just inside the archway. I heard her horn charge with magic as she trotted back in front of me. I looked up to her and saw that she was levitating a jewel-encrusted sword with her magic.
“W-w-wait, w-what are you d-doing?” I stuttered with several cracks in my voice, afraid to move anywhere.
“James Callahan,” She stated “State your desired title.”
Wat. You’re allowed to choose a title before being executed?
“A… Title?” I asked; she looked to me raising an eyebrow “Umm… I think just Sir Jimmy works. Maybe ‘Saint’ if you can work that one in somehow…?” I replied. She smiled slightly.
“I dub thee,” She said as she lowered the sword to my right shoulder “Saint Jimmy of Equestria.” She brought the sword to my left shoulder and then held it above my head for a moment before levitating the sword away from me.
Fuck yeah, Green Day reference in my title BYOTCH!
“Rise, Sir Jimmy.” She asked; I slowly rose to my feet as I felt an odd sense of power and control wash over with a new sense of responsibility.
Ewwwww, responsibility! Get it off me before I catch responsibilititus!
“You are now our new Vice Captain of the Guard, under the Captain Shining Armour. You will take his place as Captain once the wedding is over.” I stood in front of her, still shocked with my new position of authority.
“But… Why me?” I asked “I mean, I don’t know anything about commanding units, I’m not trained in battle. The only reason I’m alive is because of sheer luck.”
“Didn’t you risk your life to save Rainbow Dash even though you yourself were injured gravely?” She replied.
“Well yeah, b-”
“Did you not defeat the dragon?”
“I did, y-”
“Amongst our soldiers, you’ve become something of a hero you know.” I stopped.
Waaaaaaaaaaat?
“Wait, what? How?” I asked.
“My sister has spoken much of you to myself and to her personal guard. Naturally, they have passed on the story of how you were able to defeat the dragon in the Everfree.”
Shit man, you’re famous around here.
I…
Well, what’re you gonna do? Back down when the soldiers are more than likely scared off their ass and need a fucking hero to guide them?
I…
If you wanna be a pussy and decline, you go right ahead. But something tells me it’s serve the crown or decline and be a traitor to Equestria.
. . .
What’ll it be?
“I’ll do it.” I said clenching my fists.
Oh boy, here we go…
“Oh?” Celestia said looking surprised.
“Just tell me what to do and I’ll get it done.” I said as I looked her square in the eyes. She smiled.
“Very well Sir Jimmy. You shall be fitted for armour tomorrow morning and will meet with Captain Shining Armour afterwards for briefing.” She stated “Oh, about your armaments…”
“Hm? My…”
“Come with me.” She said as she walked past me into her room. I followed slowly. Once we reached the center, she stopped and looked over to a rather sizeable golden chest against the wall on our right. A yellow glow surrounded the chest as it lifted from its resting place to my side.
“There were some things you left behind from your last visit.” She stated, “One of them was a sword.” I opened the chest and found my sword.
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THAT’S WHERE IT WAS THE WHOLE TIME.
GODDAMNIT I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS FUCKING THING FOREVER.
The sunlight reflected off the sword brightly, making me shield my eyes for a moment. As I examined it, I noticed that the sword was now unscratched, you could use the blade as a mirror if you had to. The blade was no longer chipped and was perfectly even. The topaz jewel embedded into the hilt had been cleaned and almost seemed to emit its own light. The hilt was also restored, no more chips or scratches were present and it had been painted a dark blue, like that of Luna’s mane.
“My sister had it restored for you. The condition of it was quite bad; it was on the verge of falling apart. You are lucky it survived the battle with the dragon.” She said as I continued examining my weapon “She insisted on doing it herself rather than having one of our blacksmiths do it. She claimed that they would not bother trying to restore it due to its practically broken condition.” I chuckled at her last statement.
“She would’ve been right.” I replied as I took the sheath out of the chest.
“Oh yes, she made that for it as well.” Celestia stated.
“I’ll have to thank her.” I stated. It seemed that Luna had modeled the sheath after Link’s own for the Master Sword.
>Implying this isn’t the Master Sword.
The detail was perfect. I stuck the sword inside it and threw the strap of the sheath over me so the hilt stuck out over my right shoulder.
“There were some other things in there as well,” Celestia started “Luna didn’t tell me what else there was, and she insisted that I did not try to find out.”
Oh God.
Goddamnit Luna, did you have to go and hoof it to my porn?
I took another look inside the chest and saw a neat pile of three magazines. One of which had a rather scantily dressed blonde woman on the cover.
“So what else i-”
“NOTHING!” I accidentally yelled as I clumsily grabbed the magazines from the chest, hiding them behind my back “Anyway, thank you, err, Celestia, I have to go back to my room now!” I said in a panicked voice as I stood up and strafed around the sun princess.
KEEP CALM BRO, SHE DIDN’T SEE THEM. YOU’RE SAFE. SHE WON’T MOLEST YOU, OFFER YOU BANANAS OR QUESTION YOU. JUST GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW.
“Oh yes, of course, you’ve had a long trip and I’m sure you’re tired.” She replied.
SHE SUSPECTS NOTHING, KEEP GOING.
“Yes, y-yes, err, v-very tired!” I stammered, followed by a fake yawn and an awkward laugh.
YOU’VE GOT THIS SHIT MAN! YOU’RE ALMOST HOME!
“Oh, just so you know, I actually did look through those magazines you have there.” She stated with a sly smile.
FUCK!
Oh jeez.
FUCKING TROLLESTIA!
Hey, that’s a pretty good name.
You think so? I thought of it myself.
No you fucking didn’t.
Okay…
I stopped dead in my tracks as I was about to open the door.
“Don’t feel bad, it’s only natural for someone of your age to have material such as that. Boys will be boys, after all.” She continued.
THIS IS SO FUCKING AWKWARD.
It’s like she’s my mom trying to talk to me about sex.
AWKWAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!!
“If you have any questions about anything, feel free to ask me. I don’t bite.”
WHAT THE FUCK MAN.
WAIT WHAT.
“Umm…”
“Well?” She asked. She looked as if she were expecting me to start firing off a stream of questions that would be answered with actual demonstrations given to me by the princess herself.
BRO! YOU GOT THIS! IF YOU START ASKING HER SHIT, YOU CAN SAY YOU FUCKED A PRINCESS MAN!
WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!
BECAUSE WHO DO YOU KNOW THAT CAN LEGITAMATELY SAY THEY FUCKED A PRINCESS?!
I AM NOT DOING THIS.
AW COME ON!!
“Yeah, umm, err, thanks, Celestia. I’ll uh, be sure to, umm… Yeah…” I said as I slowly opened the door wide enough for me to get through, slamming it behind me afterwards and bolting down the stairs.
You’re such a pussy.
SHUT UP.
After several minutes of traversing stairs by foot, I had decided it would be easier simply to fly down them, making my trip infinitely faster. Once I reached the bottom of the last flight of stairs before the floor with my bedroom, I allowed myself to walk once again. As I entered the hallway, I saw somepony who caught my eye.
Just in front of my door on the other side of the hall was a light pink alicorn with a pink, white and purple mane looking out the window. She wore a golden breastplate and horseshoes to match. On top of her head sat a small gold crown. Her cutie mark was a heart-shaped sapphire with golden trim on the sides. She looked as though she was scowling. For some reason, I couldn’t quite keep my eyes focused on her, as if I tried to examine her more closely, my eyes would simply shift themselves away.
LIKE THE TARDIS.
… Yes, like the Tardis.
IS SHE THE TARDIS?
No.
WELL HOW DO YOU KNOW?
How would someone enter her?
YOU FUCKING SILLY VIRGIN, YO-
Oh you fu- You know what? Screw it. I don’t even care.
I continued down the hallway, approaching the pink alicorn. Her gaze turned from the window to me, I stopped in my tracks. I swear that her eyes changed colour from pink to green just for a fraction of a second as she looked at me. After a moment, she scoffed and turned up her nose at me, walking past me and down the hallway which I came.
Jeez, what a cunt. We’re her fucking security and she just decides to be a cunt? Well, we’ll see how well that works for her when a stray arrow just happens to hit her in the head while we ‘didn’t notice’.
I agree.
I shrugged it off and headed to my room. As I reached the bedroom door, I threw it open and entered, closing it behind me and locking it. I was tired and tomorrow I would be starting guard duty. I needed to be sharp.
==> Be the other guy. Yes. The handsome one with the awesome hair and pretty green eyes.
You are now Tickles Mianus. Not really. You are Matt Wahlberg. Your interests include hats, tomfoolery, horseplay, tomplay, shenanigans and above all, more shenanigans. You are a level 36 Boy-Skylark. You have a MAJOR superiority complex and are prone to delusions of grandeur. Except they're not delusions. You really ARE that awesome.
You, Paul and Vinyl dash down one of the western hallways of Canterlot castle, leaving poor Octavia to deal with the unpacking of the entire group’s luggage outside of Jimmy’s own. You are such a kind-hearted person with a pure soul of ever-overflowing generosity.
“So, where do you have in mind, Matt?” Vinyl asks you as she pulls up to your side.
“Haven’t the foggiest!” You reply happily as you turn a corner suddenly, almost crashing into a tower of pumpkins. You look back around at the pumpkins you almost tripped over to see there were never really any pumpkins. You silly twat! Why would there EVER be pumpkins in a hallway?
You continue running through the castle, denying any and all existence of the orange vegetable pile you almost tripped over. As you round another bend, you stop in front of an ordinary looking wooden door and stare at it intently. Vinyl stops as well, too suddenly however, Paul ends up tripping over her, sending the two stooges onto the red carpeting of the hall faces first. You look over to them and frown.
“Paul, stop tripping over Vinyls.” You say sternly with the most serious expression you can muster.
“But Maaaaaatt…” The peasant whines “She tripped me first!”
“I didn’t even trip! I was pushed over by your stupid… Stupid… Assbutt!” Blue-Mane White-Unicorn snaps in reply as she gets to her hooves, shoving the Assbutt off of her.
“Well I-”
You interrupt the Assbutt known as Paul with a proper pimp-slap, creating a resounding thwack that would make The Great Pimp King Swagrid immensely proud of the effort given in attempting to best his pimp-slap. As far as you’re concerned, the slap gets you a score of around 9.4, giving you 3rd place, 2nd place belonging to your mother with a 9.8 that was given to you a few months ago when you refused to put the toy bunny back in the box.
“No.” You say to him as you stick your finger in his face for a moment before turning back to the ordinary door.
“What d’you think’s in there?” Vinyl asks you. You look to her for a brief moment, looking at her with a spark in your eyes that only a boy who has a crush on a Blue-Mane White-Unicorn would look at this Blue-Mane White-Unicorn. You think this is silly, you curse the author in your mind for making you do this, for if you said it out loud and in “These funny marks that mean someone is talking,” he would surely delete it immediately.
“What funny marks?” Vinyl asks with a confuzzled expression. The author enjoys using the word ‘confuzzled’. It is fun to say and you should probably say it more often. Start praying he does not incorporate it into your vocabulary the next time he prompts you to speak.
You then suddenly turn to the completely fucking ordinary door and throw it open with a manly ‘HARUMPH’. It flies towards the wall so fast the ordinary door does not shatter into a million pieces like you hoped, but instead rebounds off the aforementioned wall, back to its closed state.
Your (non) crush facehoofs as you rub the back of your head in the fashion of someone who is embarrassed. Which you are, stop trying to deny it. You failed pretty fucking hard just now.
The peasant walks over to the ordinary door, pushing you softly out of his way to get to it. He slowly opens the door and gestures to you and Vinyl to enter the room with his head, leaning it towards the dark room. Naturally you enter the room first, since ladies enter first and all that. After a few moments of wandering around in the dark room while the others stand outside waiting for you to find the doorway again, you decide it’s time to go get a torch. You exit the room shamefully and take a torch from the wall outside, lighting the other torches in the room with it upon re-entry.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Along every shelf and covering almost every inch of the floor of this room, POTS ARE EVERYWHERE. Your eyes light up as do Paul’s and Vinyl’s. You look to each other with the silliest grins you can muster.
“Are y’all thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” You ask.
“TIME TO SMASH SOME SHIT!” Vinyl shouts as she gets ready to jump into the meadow of pots.
“Hold on,” Paul says as he grabs Vinyl by the scruff of neck in mid-jump, “I was thinking that we could go take all the flowers from the garden and put them in these pots with no water so they would all wither and die and then someone would find them months later in here.” You and Vinyl both look to this silly peasant with disappointed looks. He clearly did not understand what he should do upon finding a room full of POTS. Paul frowned in embarrassment and disappointment as he put Vinyl back onto the ground, releasing her from his grip.
“Now, where were we?” She asks turning to you. You grin and she returns it.
“SMASHY TIIIIIIIIME!!” You both shout as the two of you jump into the pile of pots as though on cue.
“Well that was fun.” You say as you close the door. That was a good half hour well spent being a lazy piece of shit all day and smashing all those POTS.
“Indeed, ‘twas a fine activity, don’t you agree?” Vinyl asks Paul, she had decided her new first language was posh, for in one of the pots resided a top hat and monocle, which she donned immediately upon finding.
“DURR I DUNNO.” Paul replied in his completely normal, everyday, this-is-how-he-always-talks, retard voice.
“Hold!” You state, for it is Shakespeare time “Forsooth, doth mine mind deceive-eth me? Or do-eth the pots in yonder room beyond th’ ordinary-eth wood portal not don new life upon our exit?”
“Whatever do you mean by that, darling?” Vinyl asks.
“HOLD THINE TONGUE, FEMALE SEDUCTRESS!” You shout, smacking the female, reminding her of her rightful place “I hath found-eth th’ next activity with which we shall not stop-eth our merriment!” You exclaim, throwing open that beautiful motherfucking standard ass everyday door once again, this time, it manages to stay open.
“Behold-eth!” You say holding out a hand, gesturing to the room, that was once again filled with perfectly undamaged pots “Dear jester, do tell us the number of vases that adorn this chamber!” You ask as you put your hand around Paul, as he stares at the floor in front of him, a string of saliva hanging from his mouth.
“About one hundred and eighty two.” Paul stated as he rocked back and forth.
“Is that correct-eth?” You ask to confirm.
“Yeah, yeah, definitely about one hundred and eighty two.” Paul replied, still rocking himself.
“Pray tell, for how much does all the rice sell-eth for in China?”
“About two bucks.”
“The price of a rebel’s whore.”
“Definitely a million dollars, yeah, yeah, definitely a million.”
“Definitely?”
“Yeah…”
“I say, what are you two blabbering on about?” Vinyl interrupts again, but before you can pimp slap her, you see her jump through the doorway into the pile of pots. Agreeing with the lady’s actions, you too jump face first into the pots once again, laughing hysterically while Paul mumbles almost incoherently about numbers and syrup having to be on the table before pancakes.
“MATT WAKE UP!” Vinyl shouts in your ear as she shakes you awake. Your head shoots up quickly to take in your surroundings. Immediately below and around you are the shattered remains of pots. Beyond these are more unbroken pots and royal guards standing over you. You slowly rise to your feet.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?” You ask nervously.
“TAKE THIS YOU RUFFIANS!” Paul shouts before the guard can speak as a pot whizzes past your head and hits the wall above the guard. The audacity of Paul’s actions makes the guard look in disbelief at the remains of the pot on the floor.
You decide to take this opportunity to obey Paul’s command stating to kindly “RUN BITCH, RUUUUUUUUN!!”
You, Paul and Vinyl make a mad rush out of the room and down the hallway hoping more guards are not on their way. You look over to Vinyl and notice that she is no longer wearing a monocle or top hat.
“Vinyl, where’s your posh clothing?” You ask as you continue running.
“What?” She replies.
“The monocle and top hat?”
“What the fuck are you talking about? I didn’t have a monononickel or top hat!”
“Wait a minute, Paul! Does K-Mart suck?” You ask turning your head to him, keeping your pace.
“What the hell!? Who gives a fuck about that right now!?” He shouts in reply.
“How much is 39 multiplied by the cube root of 692?”
“STOP HURTING MY BRAIN!!”
It then occurs to you that everything you had experienced prior to waking up on the floor was more than likely a dream. Also, there were never any pumpkins. Stop fucking asking because there has never been and never will be any fucking pumpkins present in this fucking chapter.
A knock on my door, a simple light-hooved triple knock, only one pony I know knocks like that, that’s Octavia. I got up from my bed and walked over to the door, opening it to see nopony else other than the grey mare I expected.
“Hey Octy, what’s up?” I ask, greeting her.
“Not all that much, Vinyl’s run off with Matt and Paul to do Celestia knows what.” She replied with a sigh at the end of her sentence “I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me hanging around with you for a while.”
“Oh no, not at all, come right… In?” My statement turned into a question as I heard something of a rumble growing louder and louder from the end of the hall. I poked my head out from the door and looked to my left, towards where the sound was coming from. Around the corner appeared Matt, Paul and Vinyl, running as fast as they could.
“Oh Christ, what did they do?” I asked myself.
“OY!! WHAT’D YOU TWATS DO THIS TIME?!” I shouted as they got closer.
“I’M SORRY!! I’M SORRY!! I DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE THAT EXPENSIVE!! DON’T PUT ME IN THE DUNGEON!! I DON’T WANT TO BE BUTTRAPED IN THE SHOWER!! I’M TOO PRETTY FOR PRISOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNN!!” Matt shouted as the group passed by my door and rounded the corner shortly after. Behind them were at least twenty royal guard members giving chase. As the last of the guards passed, I simply closed the door. A few moments of silence passed. Octavia stood next to me, staring at the shut door with me.
“So…” She began.
“I don’t even want to know.” I said cutting her off.
“You know what? Me neither.” She replied. Another few moments of silence passed.
“Are you feeling hungry?” She asked.
“Yeah, let’s go to the dining hall. Dinner should be ready around now anyway.” I replied opening the door once again, quickly exiting with Octavia in hopes we didn’t run into the three stooges or the platoon of guards chasing them.
“She WHAT ?!?!” Octavia exclaimed loudly, her statement echoing throughout the dining hall. She quickly covered her mouth with a hoof, looking to her left and right quickly out of embarrassment “She appointed you Vice Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard?!”
“Yeah, it’s crazy. They must be really paranoid about this whole threat going on.” I replied. We had finished our food already, but were just having an after-dinner chat. It was nice to have someone you could really talk to like Octavia. I figured it would be best to save the news of me being drafted into a position of authority until there was no more food to be spat out of shock.
What about if she barfed out of shock?
Shut the fuck up.
“So what are you going to do? After all this is done I mean.” She asked.
“Well, I don’t really know.” I replied “I don’t think it’ll be life as it was though. Something tells me they might make me Captain once Sparkly Platemail marries Princess Bitchface.”
“Jimmy, that’s not all that nice.” Octavia scolded lightly “How do you even know what she’s like? You can’t judge her b-”
“I met her in the hallway. All I can say on the matter is that if it looks like a bitch, smells like a bitch, looks at you in disgust and turns their nose up like a bitch while giving a bitchy ‘hmph’ as they walk away, and four out of five dentist recommend it, chances are, it’s a bitch.”
“Well… I… I don’t think I can argue with that.” Octavia replied, giving up any attempt to argue further that Princess Bitchface was not actually a bitch.
“Seen her yet?” I asked.
“No, not yet, I’ve got nothing to go on about her other than your encounter with her.” She replied.
“Ah, so you do agree she’s a bitch?”
“Well- I- I don- No! I mean, yes, b- Wait! I me- ARGH! SHUT UP JIMMY!” Octavia yelled, her voice resounding through the hall again. I couldn’t help but laugh.
AHAHA! SILLY WOMAN! NOT BEING ABLE TO FORM COHERENT SPEECH BECAUSE SHE’S TRYING TOO HARD TO BE PROPER! AHAHA! SHE IS PRESUMPTUOUS AS SHE IS POOR AND IRISH!
Do you even know what presumptuous means?
Well- I- I don- No, but- I mean- WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST FUCKING SAY ABOUT ME, YOU LITTLE BITCH? I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY SEALS…
Yeah, yeah, shut up. Stop being an eight year old on Xbox Live for a minute. They don’t even fucking have that in this world.
… AS WE SPEAK I AM CONTACTING MY SECRET NETWORK OF SPIES ACROSS THE USA AND YOUR IP IS BEING TRACED RIGHT NOW SO YOU BETTER PREPARE FOR THE STORM MAGGOT…
The door to the dining hall flung open as two humans and a white unicorn burst through it, slamming it behind them, making a dash for the table at top speed. Matt dove face first over the side of the bench I was sitting on, leaving him on the floor behind me with one leg still dangling on the bench. Luckily for Paul and Vinyl, they managed to land on Octavia’s side of the bench without falling off like this particular idiot drooling on the floor. He quickly picked himself up, and by picked himself up, naturally I mean had a mini-seizure on the floor for about ten seconds before finally jumping onto the bench pretending that he had never been on the floor. The hall’s doors flung open again revealing pegasus guards.
“ASSUME THE POSITION.” Matt harshly whispered. Vinyl’s horn lit up blue for a brief as did her upper lip along with Matt and Paul’s own, after a flash of light, upon their faces sat moustaches of different styles and colours that didn’t even correspond with their hair colour. For example, Matt, the blonde haired half-aryan had donned a black Super Mario moustache. Paul, the previously blonde, now brunette, curly haired half-negro had an orange moustache resembling that of Mr. Miyagi’s, and finally Vinyl’s own… Freddie Mercury found red and white hair dye. It looked like Canada’s flag. It was bad.
Suddenly as if from nowhere (chances are it was actually nowhere), they produced rather large newspapers which they held in front of their faces, so close to them that it would be literally impossible to read the words on the page. I shook my head.
“What the hell are you idiots doing?” I asked politely.
“HON HON HON MONSIEUR! I AM LE… UH, FRANCAIS!! OUI, LE FRANCAIS, NON?” Matt replied with simultaneously the best but worst French accent I had ever heard in my entire life as he clutched to the newspaper for dear life “DON’T YOU AGREE MADAMOISELLE?”
“That there’s uh… Darn tootin’!” Vinyl agreed, doing her best to sound like Applejack. She actually didn’t do a half-bad job with her impression.
“OHH, ROOK, HEADRINE NEWS SAYS PRINCESS CERESTIA RACK DISCIPRINE.” The half-black, half-white member of our group stated in his best Chirese. The three poorly disguised twits suddenly took an even greater interest in their newspapers as they flipped through random pages, pretending to read them, with scattered ah’s and ooh’s as they ‘read’.
The guards approached the table, simply standing looking at the three idiots, and from the looks on their faces, anyone could tell they were trying to comprehend what could make these idiots think their ‘disguises’ would actually work, especially since they had donned them when the guards had already entered the room. Two of the guards nodded to each other, lifted themselves a couple feet off the ground and picked up ‘le’ Matt by his arms.
“SACREBLEU! Lâche-moi vous fascistes allemands porcs, j'agite mon drapeau blanc à vous et vous péter dans votre direction générale! Votre père était un NÉGRE! Ta mère sentait le POISSON!” Le Matt yelled angrily as he attempted to run away from the guards like a true Frenchman.
Did… Wait, this man didn’t know how to say FRENCH in FRENCH no less than thirty seconds ago… How…?
I don’t even this.
Two more guards managed to pick up Paur McCarrtenee to which he responded “你他媽的你難看的臉色蒼白的糊狀馬混蛋！我討厭的一切，你！中國人是高手的比賽！我們擁有的每個人！您可以做狗屎我們醜陋他媽的媽媽的陰戶舔母狗！放開我！”
… I…
Wat.
At that moment, another guard, a much more commanding looking guard came through the door. This one was a unicorn, considerably larger than the rest of the unicorn guards I had seen; he was also white instead of grey like the rest. He wore deep purple armour laced with gold trim. His mane was two shades of blue, and his eyes I could’ve sworn flickered from blue to green for just a moment. The guards holding the delinquents flew closer to this soldier, the other guards moved closer as well, saluting him.
Hey bro, I’ve seen that symbol before…
What symbol?
That one, on his breastplate, look!
I looked over to the new guard and examined the symbol on his armour more carefully. The symbol was a six-pointed star, painted in a shade of pink. I quickly linked it to Twilight’s cutie mark.
No way.
Nah man, they’re not related, no fucking way.
I don’t know bro, remember how she was saying shit about her brother earlier?
I don’t see…
Royal Guard Captain man. That’s him.
Oh shite.
Yep…
“We’ve caught the perpetrators, sir.” One of the guards stated with a deep, manly sounding voice.
“I can see that.” Replied Twinkly Protective-Wear as he took a step forward “Now I want you three to listen to me closely.” He stated looking at the three suspended idiots “Just because you all are guests at the castle under Princess Celestia’s invitation doesn’t mean you can just barge into any room you see and damage royal property.”
Oh boy, he’s one of those by-the-book characters.
Well yeah, I mean, Twilight’s brother, the hell can you not expect by-the-book characteristics?
Siblings aren’t always the same y’know? With their books and book-qualities and shit.
“Now, if it were my decision, I’d have you all thrown out of here right now. But I can’t do that, Celestia’s orders.”
Ha, bitch.
“However, you three are going to be taking on the ancillary staff’s duties for the next two days.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! OH MY GOD THAT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS THOSE POOR FUCKERS!!
I think we should stop him, just sayin’.
You and what army, dumbass?
The same army he’s got.
Wait what? Oh… Right! We’re important and stuff now! We can boss bitches around!
“And, I say, they’re not.” I stated loudly as I rose from the table. The guards turned to look at me.
“Who are you to question my authority? Would you like to join them?” Asked Shining Armaments.
“Oh me? Oh, I’m no one special, I’m just the new Vice Captain of the Royal Guard, Sir Saint Jimmy.”
“Who?” Sparkly asked again.
“Sir, he’s the one who took down that dragon in the Everfree by himself.” One of the guards stated, looking down after finishing his sentence as though fearing a punishment.
“Yes sir, he did it all by himself with that sword Princess Luna finished restoring a few days ago.” Another guard added. The first guard raised his head again, now more confident in his outburst.
“Really? And how’d you manage a sudden knighthood and promotion so quickly?” Glittery Chestplate asked as he approached me, I followed suit and came closer to him as well.
“This afternoon upon my arrival I was brought to Celestia’s chamber where she briefed me on the threats made against Eponia. She gave me a title and a high ranking because she felt that the men needed an extra bit of morale to have someone such as me on their side in battle. That’s why I’m here.”
“I’m still Captain of the Guard.”
“I’m Vice Captain, I do more work, you’re just the poster boy who’s supposedly in charge. Trust me; I know how this shit works, I was vice-president of the environmental club at my school, I did all the work.” I told him.
“Non, vous ne l'étaient pas, moi! Vous n'étiez même pas dans le club!” Le Matt shouted.
“Tais-toi, Frenchie, do you want to be the sole janitor of this fuck-huge castle?” I replied, using the full extent of my French in my sentence.
“Non merci.”
“That’s what I thought, now, tais-toi.”
“Oui.”
“Anyway, they’re not doing any ancillary work, don’t care what they broke, this is Eqerica motherfucker, y’all have magic, use it to repair whatever it was these idiots broke. Also, I need them anyway. They’re providing entertainment for your wedding…” I moved in closer.
“We wouldn’t want to upset your bride, now would we?” I asked him quietly with the most shit-eating grin I could muster.
You rivalled those fucking real estate agents up on billboards with that grin, man.
Damn fucking right I did.
“Release them.” He said with obvious disappointment in his voice, accompanied by a sigh.
Sounds like he had a different definition of ‘ancillary’ work.
Wait, what?
He sounded genuinely upset that he couldn’t punish anyone, if you know what I mean.
Oh fuck off, why would he want to fuck Le Matt or Paur McCartenee?
Name stooge number three.
Stooge number… Oh God. She wouldn’t, she couldn’t, she likes ma-
Look at her.
I looked over to Vinyl as the guards let her go just a few centimeters off the ground, flying away from her immediately afterwards. Her gaze turned to Shining Armour, slowly from his general direction to his hindquarters.
Oh wow.
Yeah…
That’s some shit.
That is indeed some shit. And I fucking saw it before anyone else.
“I’ll be seeing you tomorrow then, rookie. You should probably have done something about your physical form before you signed up for this position though. You’re gonna have a rough time if you wanna be up to the standards of our men with that kind of... Stomach.” He told me as he turned to exit the hall, giving me his own shit-eating grin as he left with the rest of the guards.
AWWWW HELLLLL NAW.
Oh it’s on now motherfucker.
OH NO HE DIDN’! I GON’ BUST A CAP IN DIS NIGGA’S ASS. THAT’S THE END OF STORY NIGGA, HE GETTIN’ FUCKED UP TOMORROW! I BRINGIN' MY PIECE TOMORROW! THIS MAN FUCKIN' DEAD!
“该死的黑鬼，这是残酷的！你不捍卫你的荣誉！?” Paur asked.
“Paur, prease speak-u Engrish so I may risten to what you are saying properry.” I replied.
“这是什么英语吗?” He asked looking rather confused.
“Oh, you know wh- Ju- Never mind!” I exclaimed.
“Qu'est-ce que l'amour? Bébé ne me blesse pas, ne me blesse pas, non plus…” Le Matt sang as he walked past me.
“OY! I KNOW IT’S YOUR STYLE TO RUN AWAY, BUT DON’T I GET A ‘THANK YOU’ FOR SAVING YOUR STUPID ASS’?!” I shouted before he could exit the dining hall.
“Non! Je suis Française, et vas te faire encule ta merde! Je me débrouille parfaitement bien sur mon propre! À moins bien sûr que les Allemands se montrer, où j'ai ensuite besoin de votre aide. Attendez-vous pas de remerciements ou de récompense, simplement parce que je suis français. Alors va te faire foutre!” He shouted before flipping me off and exiting the room dramatically, slamming the door behind him. I sighed heavily.
“好了，我要回到我的房间，再见, 娘养的。” Paur stated, taking his leave as well, although I couldn’t understand what the hell he said, I had the feeling that he called me a motherfucker at some point in his sentence for no particular reason at all.
You just can’t win today, can you?
They don’t mean it.
I know, still though.
They’re niggers all the same.
Oh yes, indeed they are.
“Thanks Jimmy.” I heard Vinyl say quietly nudging me softly “I was kinda scared for a minute there, I didn’t know if you’d be able to get by him with that story. I mean come on, Vice Captain of the Royal Guard?”
“I am Vice Captain.” I replied. She paused for a moment as though in thought, but quickly brought back a smile.
“Sure you are.” She said with a strong presence of sarcasm in her voice.
“No, he really is Vice Captain.” Octavia interjected. Vinyl looked to her in confusion.
“You’re not serious?” She asked in disbelief, smiling as though we were still trying to trick her.
“I am.” Octavia replied without cracking a smile. Vinyl’s smile slowly faded, she looked back and forth between the two of us, each time she looked at either of us, her expression had slowly faded into one of more shock with each turn.
“So… You’re actually…” She said slowly, looking almost frightened. I nodded, knowing what her next words would be. She looked to the floor.
“Yeah… Princess Celestia requested my presence when we arrived. I didn’t know what it was for, but then I found out.” I said explaining myself before she could ask me to do so. She paused for a moment, trying to take in the news.
“How long are you… You know, going to be doing that job?” She asked. I shrugged.
“I don’t know.” I replied, pausing before my next words “I’m not gonna lie though, I think I’m gonna end up being here for a while.”
“How long is a while?” She asked. I didn’t want to answer her directly. I really didn’t. She looked disturbed by the very mention of my new job.
“You didn’t get around to telling me either, how long are you going to keep your position?” Octavia asked.
You’re in a bit of a bind now, aren’t you?
Eeyup…
I took a breath. This wasn’t going to be easy for them to hear. It wouldn’t be easy for anyone or pony.
“Once Captain Shining Armour has been married, he’s going to resign as Captain of the Guard.” I stated. The two mares leaned in closer. “The previous Vice Captain would be taking his place. But, the threat against Canterlot came with, well, a proof of how serious whoever made it was. The proof was the body of the Vice Captain and another guard.”
“Get to the point, what’s going to happen to you?” Vinyl snapped as she took her shades off with her magic.
Guess there’s not much dancing around the point anymore.
Eenope.
“Upon being given my title of Vice Captain, Celestia told me that once the wedding was over, I would be promoted to Captain.” As the final words of my sentence were spoken, the looks on the mare’s faces showed just how speechless they truly were. Their mouths were gaping, accompanying them were frightened expressions on their faces. Vinyl’s shades dropped to the floor with a light clatter as her horn’s glow disappeared. A few awkward moments of silence passed, each moment felt like an eternity, finally one spoke.
“Wh… What’s… Gonna happen to you…?” Vinyl asked quietly. She looked as though she was on the edge of breaking down in tears. I wanted to tell her I would be fine and nothing would happen to me, although it was possible, if this ‘threat’ showed any evidence of happening, I was not so certain I would come out of the situation unscathed.
“I don’t know…” I replied. A single tear rolled from her left eye, another few moments of silence followed. The silence was broken by a loud sob, followed by Vinyl throwing herself at me, embracing me as though it would be the last time she would be able to.
“You don’t know?!” She was able to ask through her crying, having to restart her sentence multiple times. Her sobbing became louder as she held me tighter. Octavia simply stood back, observing us. She also looked to be close to tears, as though one comment from me would cause her to break down in a similar fashion to her mare-friend. Eventually Vinyl’s crying quieted down to light sobs on my shoulder.
“I’ll tell you what you’re going to do.” She whispered. She pulled back slightly to look me in the eyes. She pushed her forehead against mine.
“You’re going to come back to me.” She stated “To Octy, Matt, Paul… Everyone. Do you understand me?”
Can’t promise her anything.
. . .
Well?
Some are made to be broken. If this one has to be broken, so be it.
“I can Pinkie Promise you that.” I whispered. She smiled, tears still falling from her ruby eyes. She quickly gave me a kiss on the cheek and hugged me even more tightly than before.
Hope you can keep that one.
I sure do hope I can…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 23 - Before The Lobotomy
Five days of being the second in command of Equestria's forces, I hate my life already. Not that it's worse than being stuck at home with nothing to do and no one to see. Nah, this is a dream compared to that. However, the fact that I just can't seem to sway the blue-haired, dimwitted, shit-for-brains of a brother Twilight has into making some simple changes in the defense network of the castle and of the rest of Canterlot really pisses me off.
This stupid motherfucker has put FIFTY PERCENT of our guards either at or within a kilometer of the train station. Do you know how much fifty percent is out of one thousand guards is? Let me just tell you, it's a lot, fucking FIVE HUNDRED. Guards that should be patrolling the streets of the city and the castle in search of any kind of suspicious activity, which is EXACTLY what they were doing before the threat was made, not doing that anymore. Better put them all at one location which wouldn't make a whole lot of sense to attempt invasion from, it's not even slightly practical considering the castle is so far from the station, not to mention on the side of a Goddamned mountain just to top it all off. There are supposed to be at least one hundred and fifty guards at the castle at all times, but right now, there are less than eighty. It seems like we're losing them in tens on a daily basis. What I've been told is that there's a flu of some kind going around that the guards seem to conveniently get in groups of ten a day. The rest of the guards have either been sent to other parts of Equestria to 'scout for intelligence' or are already on sick leave.
Part of me wants there to be an invasion so Shitting Asstard can get fired or something. But as it stands, I'm taking one last attempt to talk some sense into him by using an outside source.
GOTTA TALK TO THE PUSSY SUPPLIER. IT'S A DIRECT LINE TO A MAN'S TRAIN OF THOUGHT.
A train of thought which I must derail using another tactical freight train of common fucking sense.
"Come in." Spoke the voice of the princess. I opened the door slowly and walked inside, several different mannequins wearing different dresses and suits were scattered throughout the room caught my vision immediately.
Why are there suits? And some of these don't even look like they'd fit her.
Maybe she sews?
The only princesses who sew are Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty.
Oh just shut up, that's not relevant right now.
"You wanted to speak with me, Captain?" Cadence asked, turning to face me. Her expression looked particularly unamused, like I'd caught her just before she was going to have a nice half-hour or so with a particularly large cucumber and I was interrupting.
I'd turn into a miffed, pretty pink princess of love if I were being interrupted just before jerking it too.
"Have I come at a bad time? I can come back later." I asked just in case I really was stopping her from something.
"You have, so make it quick."
Gee, what a cunt.
I guess you did interrupt her afternoon masturbation habits.
"Well, I just wanted to speak with you about your husband, and the impact the stress of the upcoming wedding may be having on him." I stated.
"I'm listening." She prodded, she looked considerably more interested now.
"You see, your husband has been making some very..."
Stupid as fuck, dumb as shit, pants-on-head retarded, bat-shit insane, fucking ridiculous...
"Poor... Decisions about the security details for the wedding, as well as taking into account the threat made against the capital."
"What does this have to do with me?"
"I'm asking you, out of your own personal interest in your safety as well as the success of your wedding day, to ask your husband to either at least consider my ideas and suggestions when speaking on the matter of guard assignment, considering that is my job, or, to allow me to have control over Canterlot's security until the wedding is over." Upon the completion of my sentence, she looked absolutely horrified that I would ask of her such a large task.
"My husband is more than capable of commanding our forces! I would think he has more say in the matter than you do, as he is your superior for a reason." She snapped, looking as though I had just called her first born baby a fugly little mule upon it's birth.
"My husband"
"Once again, this is for your own safety. What if our five hundred guards patrolling the train station are just too far away to heed a call to arms when the invading forces come from the south of the castle while the protective shield is down during one of your husband-to-be's migraines? Let me just tell you, that would make for a pretty terrible wedding day." I replied with as little acid in my voice as I could.
I don't like this non-acidic shit. Need to have all the venom, make sure she dies from the poison.
Gee, aren't we nice today?
Oh come on, she's a cunt, I'm fairly certain no one (that we care about) would miss her much.
Meh, I suppose.
"The south of the castle?" She asked looking quite intrigued, losing all the rage she formerly held in her expression.
Huh?
"... Yes...?"
The hell is she so concerned for that?
"I need to be alone. Leave me." She replied almost immediately turning away from me, looking out of the south window.
You need to be alone... You need... To be... Alone?...
. . .
YOU NEED TO GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU STUPID SHIT I SWEAR I WILL BEAT YOU TO AN INCH OF YOUR LIFE WITH MY PENIS, YOU WILL BE TELEPORTED INTO A WORLD OF UNBEARABLE PAIN FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY "FUCK ME HARDER SHINING". I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I GRADUATED AT THE TOP OF MY CLASS IN THE NAVY FUCKING SEALS AND HAVE OVER THREE HUNDRED CONFIRMED KILLS IN THE LINE OF FUCKING DUTY. YOU BETTER START PREPARING YOURSELF FOR THE FIRESTORM OF MY RAGE MOTHERFUCKER, YOUR SHIT IS TOAST.
"As you wish then." I said through bared teeth, holding back what I truly wanted to say. I turned my back to her and left the room, trying to not stomp my feet or slam the door so hard it shattered into a million splinters of wood or take my sword in hand and strike this stupid bitch down where she stood. I closed the door softly behind me, walking past the two guards outside the door and down the hallway.
Are we clear yet?
Almost... Two more steps and... Go.
"FUCKING I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA SHOVE THIS SWORD UP THEIR ASSES REAL QUICK IF THEY KEEP PULLING THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" I shouted in hopes that Princess Cuntbag and Shitting Assnuggets wouldn't hear, although part of me wanted them to.
"... So now I'm legitimately considering seppuku as an effective means of relieving myself of duty." I spoke into the microphone as the volume went up and down to fit perfectly. The courtyard was rather peaceful outside of the occasional loud feedback from the monitors that would scare away the many birds and other animals that were frolicking rather peacefully.
"Keep talking, I'm not done yet." Vinyl stated, flicking more switches and writing down numbers with labels using her magic "But really, why did you take on that job anyway if you knew it was gonna be such a shit position?"
"I didn't kn-AAAAAAAAGH!!" I yelled as the microphone gave a loud screech of feedback, causing a dozen or so birds to fly out of a nearby tree into the purple tinted midday sky.
"Sorry, keep going."
"I took the job because I felt I didn't have a choice in the matter." I told her.
"But you said she offered you a choice."
"You know how when the draft is going on you can't just refuse? That's kinda what I thought was going on."
"As in you would prefer getting fucked up the ass by these two than getting fucked up the ass by prison inmates." Vinyl smirked as she peered over her shades.
"Funny." I scoffed back at her, I would have laughed at her joke too, but she wasn't the one who was getting fucked up the ass, as she put it.
I bet you'd like to be literally fucked up the ass.
Why the fuck are you still here? Go to fucking bed or something.
"Really though, what did you expect? You're a vice, you would be taking orders, or, you know, cock, if we want to keep up with the metaphor."
"I thought I'd at least have a say in how hard and deep they were going to be thrusting so it wouldn't be an all-out rape." I replied.
"Alright, that mic's fine, move onto the next one." She said scribbling onto her notepad.
"You have the next one." I stated.
"Oh, so I do." She said, levitating it off of the sound board, twirling it and placing it back down "Anyway, I wouldn't worry too much about it, it's just two more days, you'll get through."
"Yes, soon I'll be free." I replied with a sigh as I got off the stage. Vinyl came up to meet me halfway between the booth and the platform.
"So, we all done here?" She asked.
"Eeyarp, would seem so."
"Woo! Lunchtime!" She exclaimed standing on her hind hooves for a brief moment, regained her proper footing and started galloping towards the castle, but before she could go too far, she turned back to me "Or, are you going back on duty?"
Awwww, she's looking at you with the puppy-dog eyes through the shades, that's so cuuuuuuuuuuute!
She really gets upset when I have to go to work.
Cuz she likes you man.
I don't think it's just that.
Do we have to go back on duty?
I think so, we just sacrificed lunch to come here and do this.
Well fuck those guys, not like we have things to do, go have lunch with her!
I don't know...
Just go you stupid shit, you can't really get fired or anything, just go!
"You know what? I do." I replied.
"Oh... Well... That's okay I j-"
"But fuck those guys, I want to have lunch with my friend." I interrupted as I moved closer to her.
"Wait, really? Are you sure you won't get punished or anything for this? I'm not gonna let you get thrown in jail or something cuz you wanted to have lunch with me." She replied.
"We both know that's not true, I know for a fact you need a second plate of food to steal things off of." I told her with a smirk, leading her towards the castle.
"You know me too well, I'm telling Tavi you stalk me."
"Oh please, we live together, we pretty much stalk each other involuntarily. Also, I don't recall ever coming into your bedroom and waiting for you to wake up so you can have breakfast. I'd call that pretty stalker-like."
"But that's different, because you don't want us to get a cat or a dog, I have to fill the position, and that position is to wake you up so you can get me breakfast!"
"You'd probably wake me anyway." I replied, I opened the door for her, letting her inside first. She stopped in the doorway for a moment.
"Whaaaaaat? I'd would never do something like that, what kind of girl do you take me for?" She said sarcastically with a snicker, flicking her tail into my face as she passed, earning me two peculiar glances from the guards stationed inside the doorway.
"What the hell are you two looking at?" I asked as both guards straightened up immediately upon hearing my question. I walked on after Vinyl, not looking back at the two guards, not even once I heard their chuckles upon my disappearance in the hallway.
Gee, that loss of context.
How did she even know to do that?
She's good man, you should marry her.
She's spoken for, and a pony.
Become a pony, marry her and her partner. I see no problems here.
You're a twat.
So you agree I'm correct?
Fuck off (yes).
It was an excellent decision on my part to take an extra-long lunch break with Vinyl. We talked, laughed, ate, and were generally merry all around. At one point Celestia walked in and I expected to be told to go back to work. However, she didn't question me as to why I wasn't back on duty. It may have been because I appeared to be having so much fun with my friend, but it's more likely that she simply didn't notice, which is fine by me.
"Say, have you seen Matt or Paul in the last couple of days?" She asked me, taking a sip of her drink through a straw.
"Nope, I've hardly seen anyone or pony outside of my 'boss'." I replied with air-quotes.
"That's pretty weird, I haven't either. They haven't been in their rooms and they're definitely not around."
"What's the last thing you did with them?"
"That prank where you had to save our butts."
"Oh right, when they became French and... Chinese?"
"Yeah, that day. Haven't seen them since."
"That's pretty weird." I stated.
Where do you think they are?
Fucked if I know. Probably exploring the town.
For days?
I wouldn't really put that past them, but then again, they would tell me about something like that.
Weird...
Yeah...
"So, anything suspicious in the princess' room?" Vinyl asked "Any sex toys just lying around or muffled yelling from the closet?"
"Well... She did have a lot of ponyquinns around. Like... With suits and stuff, but for males. Just a bit odd." I said putting down my fork.
"She sews... Maybe? It's a little weird to make guy's clothes, unless it was for the hubbie."
"They're not even remotely his size. Let alone colours."
"That's also fairly strange."
"Mhmm." I said looking around the room as discreetly as I could, being not at all discreet in any way "I don't know what's up with this princess, but I don't think she's who she claims she is."
"How do you figure?" She asked, leaning in a bit.
"If she's supposed to be some kind of princess of love, then why's she such a bitch?"
"Wedding stress? I dunno, girls man."
"It can't even be that. Have you seen her use her magic?"
"No, why? She sucks dick at magic? Well, I mean, I know she sucks dick but..."
"No, it's not even the same colour as her eyes. Let alone like any kind of magic I've ever seen."
"How so?" She prodded, I looked around the room again, I leaned in closer as well.
"You know how magic is usually kinda transparent? Like stained glass almost?" I asked in a low voice.
"Right?"
"Her magic is green, and completely opaque. It envelops her entire horn in this green shape. Sometimes it makes her horn look black and crooked, but it's just for a second."
"Maybe she's using some kind of other magic to colour it? Or something? Some ponies do that but it's not opaque at all. The colour hardly ever shows because it's not easy to do."
"I don't know. I just... Don't feel-" At that moment, the door to the dining hall creaked open.
inb4 its her
"Captain Jimmy, Princess Cadence has requested your presence." A pegasus guard stated, taking a few steps closer.
Called it.
It wasn't her.
No, but it's her request, therefore her.
"Where is she then?" I asked, Vinyl looked rather upset all of a sudden. I knew exactly why.
"She's in her room. She said its urgent." The guard replied. I sighed and stood up from the table.
"Any idea what its about, other than an... Urgent , matter?" I continued.
"Not a clue sir."
No shit, he's a footsoldier.
Fair enough.
"Vinyl, it was great talking with you. Let's try this tomorrow, okay?" I asked before leaving her on her own. She simply nodded in reply with a brief smile. I tried to smile back, but couldn't seem to bring myself to do so. With that, I left and made my way to the princess of bitchyness' room.
I opened the door to her room for the second time today, entering as quietly as possible, and closing the door behind me in the same manner. Something was off. Very off. The curtains were closed. Candles with green flames provided the only dim light inside the room. They all appeared to be floating. I put one hand on the hilt of my sword, ready to draw it at any moment as I took a few steps forward. My boot collided with something in front of me, it was hard and felt like hard wax. I stepped over it as best I could and continued forward. More candles lit in a circle around me, floating in the air almost out of my reach.
"You seem afraid." A female voice spoke. It wasn't like Cadence's. It was deeper, almost more sinister. Possibly a bit seductive.
"Cadence, what are you doing and where are you?" I asked, looking around, my left hand firmly grasped upon the hilt of my sheathed weapon.
"Me? I'm not doing anything currently." I heard Cadence say "But my question to you is this:"
I'm gonna bail out right now. I suggest you do the same unless you want to die. SEE YA!
WH-WHAT?! DAMMIT! I DON'T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW! GET BACK HERE!
"Has anyone ever told you just how observant you are? Or even acknowledged how intelligent you are?" She asked. I kept my answer of 'no' to myself.
"Because you seem to be both of those things!" She continued in an almost bubbly voice.
"Cadence, I suggest showing yourself very soon." I spoke with audible shakiness.
"Why would you want me to do that? I don't think you want me to do that. You wouldn't even recognize me if I did." She teased. I drew my sword, holding the hilt with both hands.
"You're not Cadence at all, are you?!" I asked in a terribly wimpy yell, so much for being courageous in the face of my enemy. The first voice from earlier chuckled.
"You've finally made yourself sure of it." She stated.
The candles around me exploded in a blast of green, making me drop to the floor, covering my head with my hands. I quickly stood up, sword once again in hand. In front of me, an insect-like pony filled with holes stood just a few feet away. It was black as night, the colour of her mane was hard to tell against the green light of the room.
I screamed as I ran towards the abomination, with my sword raised and ready to strike. I brought the weapon down with all of my might, but before it could make contact, the thing's horn lit up in a green that matched the room and shot a beam of energy at my hand, reversing the direction of my swing, making me fall backwards. I stood up again and tried a horizontal swing from my right, but she countered with her own hoof, knocking the blade out of my hand, across the room, embedding itself in a ponyquinn. I ran towards where it had landed, only to have a wall of green flame rise in front of me. I skidded to a halt, almost falling into the flames, mere inches from my face.
"A blade has no strength if the hand holding it has no courage." She chuckled "You are supposed to be one of Equestria's greatest heroes? PATHETIC."
A blast of magic shot towards me, I quickly took my shield from my back and held it out in front of me. As the blast hit, I was knocked off balance, almost into the flames again. She chuckled as she continued to fire at me. The blasts missed me for the most part, the couple that hit my shield almost knocked me over.
RETREAT DAMMIT, WE'VE GOT NOTHING AGAINST THIS THING, WE HAVE TO WARN EVERYONE NOW.
I ran towards the door, but just before I could reach it I heard a hawk and spit, followed by the sensation of falling to the ground. I looked at my foot, now covered in some kind of slime, like super glue. She walked towards me, chuckling again. She stood directly over me.
"Where is your precious Celestia now, hmm?" She asked "Or what about your friends? Oh, that's right. They're already here."
"Wh--" I tried to ask, as my eye caught the corner of the room. Two green cocoons made of some alien material stood there, motionless.
She laughed uproariously, my anger grew and boiled over all in the matter of a couple of seconds. I took my shield in both hands and smacked that ugly smile off of her face, making her stumble back and hold a hoof to her muzzle. I struggled, trying to free my foot from the green slime that covered it, but before any progress could be made, I felt a scaly mass hit my head back down onto the floor. She stood over me once again, this time standing on both of my arms, staring me down from above. Her head was so close to my own I could smell her breath, it smelt like blood.
"Normally what I would do to something as disgusting a creature as you is kill you, especially after what you have done. But instead, I'm going to make you into one of my slaves and have you do my bidding."
"FUCK YOU YOU UGLY SACK OF SHIT, I'LL FUCKING RIP YOUR EYES OUT OF YOUR SKULL!" I screamed in her face.
"I'm not frightened by you, because I know you won't ever get the chance. However, I'm sure you'll enjoy doing that to your precious Vinyl, or her marefriend." She spoke, with a vicious smile creeping onto her face. My eyes widened in terror.
"Or perhaps maybe your favourite princess... Luna." She finished.
Her horn lit up in a bright green glow, as did her eyes. I couldn't move as she touched her horn onto my head. I felt ill. I wanted to throw up. I felt my consciousness slipping away as I struggled to keep my eyes open.
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 24 - Where Is My Mind?
So from what I can tell, it looks like you McFucked up just now.
Wh-what?
How's the afterlife treatin' ya, buddy?
I'm DEAD?!
Ha, not yet. Just fuckin' with you.
You fuck.
I'm the fuck? Fuck of what? As I said earlier, it is you that has McFucked up, which makes you the fuck here.
I don't care, I just want to get out of here.
Well not much luck with that. Y'know, being captured by that big black... Thing.
I fucking knew that wasn't Cadence.
Or maybe it was Cadence all along and she's never really been a pretty pink pony princess. We'll never know though.
Why not?
Haven't noticed the fact that you can't feel any part of your body?
Wait, wh-
Haven't noticed the fact that you can't move?
How-
How about the fact that you're in a void of nothing. Or has it become so normal to you that you just have ceased to care?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Bullshit, I'm you too asshole. I know you know what I'm on about. You are unconscious and stuck inside your own mind. Now, it's only a matter of time before you start making an entire world for yourself because your senses are completely cut off.
What the hell does that mean?
It means that you're going to create a world for yourself because you aren't in one right now.
So you're saying I'm God?
Well... Yes, well, sort of. You could be. I mean, there's nothing to stop you. I wouldn't recommend it though.
"Light."
What?
A burst of white light slashed a gap in the dark void around me.
Oh crap.
Haha, hey, did you see that just now? I said something and then it happened! Isn't that crazy?!
No no, okay, listen, you have to stop that right now.
"Sky."
Hey listen, I'm seri-
The white light evaporated the darkness and the white faded into the most vivid and picture-esque sky blue. Clouds drifted through the endless sky that went on and on in every direction infinitely.
Okay, I get it, it's really cool, but we need to go-
"The sun and moon."
Come on-
At one end of the sky, a yellowish white orb appeared, directly opposite this was another white orb, stained with grey areas on its surface.
"Earth."
Beneath where I could observe, the sky disappeared, replaced by a lush green field, adorned with patches of wild, colourful flowers. On the horizon, hills and mountains appeared. I looked around for the moon, and found that it wasn't there anymore, but now the sun was directly overhead.
"A body."
Slowly, hands faded into my view. Hands that were under my control. Then arms that were connected to a body, my body. Legs and feet formed beneath me.
Goddamnit, stop, you're making us fall further down this rabbit hole and you're just making it harder for us to get out of here.
Tell me, what do I have to go back to?
What? Are you crazy? We have...
... Well?
Just give me a second here...
From what I can recall, I don't think we have anything to go back to. This is all that I've ever known.
No no no, we got here because umm... How the fuck did we- Oh fuck no. No no, we're losing memories.
What memories?
Don't fuck with me now, you can't tell me our memories are gone.
As I said, what memories?
... Wait a minute. You. You're fucking locking them away aren't you?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Bullshit, you're not letting me access them, and you're keeping them from yourself too!
What you speak of does not exist.
Get the fuck out. You're bullshitting. We had a life before this.
Then what happened in this life?
Stuff, okay!
What stuff? Explain.
The stuff you're hiding away from us!
I am not hiding anything. If there was something to hide, you would know where I keep it.
But...
All we have ever known was that void. Today, we have finally decided to do something about it. It's thanks to you.
I...
I never realized I could create such glorious things. Look around! There are mountains, and plains, and hills! There are skies, boundless and infinite, filled with white, majestic clouds!
Where's the water?
"Water."
A lake formed in front of where I stood that stretched all the way to the horizon. I took a step forward and looked into the lake, seeing my reflection. I smiled.
You are a monster.
I'm not a monster, I'm a creator of worlds, a God.
Let me repeat: You are a monster.
Think of it how you will, I do not care. You believe that just because I have created this world, that I'm some kind of monster? What evil is there in this world that would make me into a monster?
Just you wait until the sun sets.
What?
I looked out to the horizon, the sky had turned orange, with a hint of dark blue falling onto where the sun was a moment ago.
I guess I'll just leave you then. You know, since you're a God and all that, you can save yourself from what's about to happen. God forbid whatever comes from, I mean, for you, doesn't know its way around your head.
Wh-where are you going? C-come back! I'm sorry! I didn't... Mean it...
I looked up to the sky at the full moon overhead. It seemed to be bigger than I had made it. Maybe it was a trick of light. As I kept looking, the moon seemed to be turning red. No no, that's not possible. I made it white.
"The moon is white."
The moon continued to turn into a bright red. The luminous light that shone from it turned to a dark red from its previously white colouration.
This isn't funny anymore, show yourself. You can't be God too, I'm the only one worthy of that title!
"Really? "
"Who's there?" I asked, frantically scanning the darkness for some kind of figure or movement.
"You're the only one worthy of being called a God? Then what does that make me? 'Satan', perhaps? "
"Where are you?!" I asked again. The urgency in my voice became apparent. I saw a flash of red in the distance.
"Anti-God sounds about right for me I suppose. I like the more 'evil' approach anyway. "
"You stay away from me!" I scream into the night, still searching my surroundings for where the voice is coming from.
"Or else what? I'm inside your head already. I know my way around in here. I've been here as long as you have. "
"What?"
"Now there's something coming for you. However, I did not bring this on you this time. No, you've brought this on yourself. I'll enjoy watching you die either way. Now allow me to set the stage for your demise. I know it's only a mental thing, but, brain-death is basically being dead anyway. After all, a changeling sucking the love out of you tends to leave ponies, or humans, as thoughtless, lifeless, and generally useless creatures. Like what a lobotomy does, if you will. We've strapped you to the chair. We've got the instruments all nice and clean. All we need to do now is hold up the orbitoclast, lift the mallet, and swing.
Thunder boomed across the once peaceful, calming fields. Now the grassy landscape had become a terrifying stretch of darkness. There were no stars and no moon to dimly light the field as I had thought there would be. The grass I could feel around my feet no longer registered, as though they were no longer there. Once again I was trapped in a void of darkness.
Suddenly, two red eyes appeared in front of me. They floated around me, and appeared to be looking me up and down. Laughter echoed throughout the void from every direction, reverberating in my ears.
Not again...
The shade of me that had come to me only a few nights before came into view. Knife in hand once again, his appearance exactly as it was before.
"Happy to see me? " He asked "You seem a bit shaken up, you scared of me? "
I wanted to run away. Fly away. Teleport away. Whatever got me away from this thing, I didn't care, but I couldn't do any of those things. My legs were held firmly in place. I couldn't give myself wings. I couldn't think of anywhere to teleport to, not that I could to begin with.
"It's funny that you still even trust me, even though I've revealed myself to you multiple times. "
Why would I trust him to begin with? I wanted to say it, but my mouth felt like it was sewn shut, as though I didn't even have a mouth.
"Unfortunately, I can't officially kill you. Not yet. " He said, twirling the knife around in his hand "You see, this Changeling queen has made things rather easy for me. I could kill you right now and be happy to be rid of such a loathsome, disgusting creature such as yourself. If I do that though, I'll be the one stuck in your position. So I have one last task for you. "
I want to tell him to fuck off. I want to tell him that I won't do anything he says. I wish I could say it, but I can't. I can feel the words in the back of my throat, but they won't sound off. They're not even muffled. No sound is made except for the words he speaks.
"I know you want to protest doing anything for someone like me, or, you, but this is a choice of whether I want you to die, and me to go with you right now, or you to die later, and me to live on. Obviously I'll take the former. " He stopped fiddling with the knife and held it to my chest "I'm going to kill you. Not for real, just in here. You need to wake up. After that, you need to get rid of this Changeling queen. She's causing too much trouble right now. I'll give you a day, or two, maybe three. Depends on how I'm feeling. That's when we'll have our next date. "
One to three days?
"If you knew what was good for you, you'd try to avoid sleep at all costs. Or ending up subconscious in any way. Else your meeting with me may just happen sooner than you expected. " He said with a smile.
"Now, run along. " He said as he jabbed the knife into my heart. I didn't feel it. I only knew it happened because of how he moved into me. I could feel the blood dripping from the wound as he left the weapon embedded in me. He walked away into the void as my eyes began to close.
It felt like the last time they would shut.
"Don't disappoint me. "
Author's Note
HOLY. FUCK.
Okay guys, real talk. I'm not abandoning any stories. I just had life happening for a very long time. Anyway, with this chapter, I've finally given myself a path to follow. Meaning, I've figured out how this story is going to shape up and eventually end.
When I started this whole thing, I had no idea how to end it. Now I know. It's a secret to everybody.
Anyway guys, check this out. I made some more music. Like, good stuff this time though. Not like a year and a few chapters ago. Nah, this stuff is ACTUALLY good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xH4di9MvWSA
So I'm gonna make an entire album worth of Green Day parodies. If you like Green Day, subscribe, give it a like, that kinda stuff. I'm also gonna look into remaking the songs that I've posted throughout the story as well as add more music, as well as re-write the chapters prior to these new ones.
Hopefully I can get that stuff done soon.
Anyway guys, see you next year! (lol jks, I promise I won't leave it for a year again, that was way too long)
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 1 - Welcome to Paradise
Gather round, children! Your uncle Jimmy’s got a story for you all today. I bet you guys like My Little Pony, don’t you? Yes you do! If you say you don’t, stop lying because you’ve got the worst poker face in existence and you’re only gonna hurt yourself defending the fact you don’t. Now, today’s story is all about how me and my friends wound up in the magical land of Equestria! Now, I bet I know what you’re thinking:
“Aw come on! Not another one of these stupid, overdone Human in Equestria stories!”
But you see; that’s just where you are wrong! Unlike all the other ones, this is the only one that’s true! Don’t let those other guys fool you, this is the real deal. Don’t question how, don’t question anything about that, hell, don’t even try to guess where this story’s going! You see, this story’s got everything a good story should have:
It’s got big adventure and tons of fun! Plenty of jokes and tales of love! But you must understand something about the land of Equestria: Not everything is sunshine, smiles, Sonic Rainbooms and magical ponies! Oh no, not at all! You see reader; there are always two sides to every coin, just keep that in mind. Oh dear, it seems I’ve started a ramble, I bet now you’re asking yourself:
“Just when the hay is this story gonna start?”
Well patience is a virtue, and it’s one you better get right now!
Ha-ha-ha! Aw, don’t be so serious, reader! Every story’s gotta have a beginning, and every story’s got a hero, right? Right, so, we’re gonna begin our by telling you about our great hero… Me! That’s right! I’m the hero! Why wouldn’t I be? Oh dear, looks like I’m still rambling!
Anyway! Without further ado, just sit back, relax, take a nice cold beer from the fridge, grab some chips from the cupboard while you’re at it, get your girlfriend to give you some head and most importantly: Enjoy the story!
I awoke to the sound of my phone’s alarm, which had been ringing since 8 this morning. I had simply been ignoring the damn thing because I was too tired (meaning lazy) to extend my arm to pick it up and turn it off. I was lazy as hell in those days. I eventually decided that the blaring alarm had become hindering to my sleep and thought that now may be as good a time as any to shut it off. It was morning. Well, what was left of it anyway. 11:53 a.m. That was what time it was when I finally turned off the alarm. As I rose from my bed, I looked forward to another day of absolutely nothing to do other than browse the internet and practice my guitar like the bored high school drop-out I was. That’s right; I was a drop-out. Typical, I suppose. School just wasn’t for me. My life had become no more than browsing the internet and falling asleep intermittently throughout the day taking my official night’s sleep somewhere near five or six in the morning. Day in, day out, I was living in repetition, content in the same old shtick again.
What’s my ASL? I was 16 years old and male at that time. I’m still male now, but anyway: I had light olive skin. My hair was black with some brown in it, I never dyed it, for some reason my hair just did that. I was told that was because the sun had dyed it after spending so much time in it. I weighed something around 200 pounds, sadly, that wasn’t in muscle and I was nearly six feet tall. I didn’t really keep track of my exact weight or height mainly because I didn’t care, all I needed was an estimate and that was good enough for me.
I lived in Barbados back then. Yep, I lived in the Caribbean, the world’s island chain of ‘paradise’. Think living here is all lounging on the beach, getting a tan and drinking fruity alcoholic beverages? You better redeem your coupon for a free reality check. In fact, I'll do that for you right now: No matter where you live in the world, it’s the same shit, just a different setting. Not that I’d know anything about life, I’m sixteen and practically living only in my tiny bedroom of my grandmother’s house where I lived with her, my mother and sister. But I did know enough about life that it’s practically the same wherever you are in this world.
I suppose by now you’re wondering if this teenage internet troll had any kind of aspirations or talent at something other than lurking message boards and criticizing people. Well, as a matter of fact I did. You see, I was a musician of a dying breed. One that was dying when one looks at the most recent ‘evolutions’ of the music industry. I played guitar and I was a pretty good singer. I had been playing guitar a little over two years and I was better than several people I knew who had been playing for five and six years. My voice was not always that of an angel’s own, nor will it ever be. It took many months of solid vocal training on my own for me to be able to sing a song without going out of key or just shouting the lyrics pretending that I was following a melody with my voice.
Did I ever get to perform anywhere you ask? Well actually, yes, I would occasionally play at a local bar where a friend of mine performed. He would let me take the mic to do a set while he took a break. I’d play with some of my friends when I went up if they were available. There was my friend Matt who played saxophone, he was my best friend who I’d known since I was six years old. His main passion was science though, not music, he wanted to be an electrical engineer. Then there was my friend Paul who played drums, I had met him through Matt a couple years back and the three of us had become a group of brothers over a year of playing music together. Paul had left to go to University in England to study literature so he could become a journalist. After he left, it was just me and Matt in our little group of musically inclined friends. None of us had grown apart emotionally, only physically where we wouldn’t see each other for an extended period of time. Even longer in Paul’s case seeing as he now lived several thousand miles away.
Every night I’d lie in my bed wishing I could be somewhere else. Somewhere that I could make something of myself, start fresh, make friends, that kind of thing. However, this was just the same wish a billion more people had too I told myself, I’d always shrug off the idea like that. For once it didn’t take long for me to go to sleep, and it was early. Well, earlier than my usual five or six in the morning. By the time I had turned off my laptop for that night it was around one in the morning. I must’ve been out cold hardly five minutes later…
The sun was beating down on my face. What? Sunlight? That’s not possible. There’s no way the sun could be coming through my window. I thought to myself. I opened my eyes and saw the bright blue sky. I sprung up and looked around, I found myself on a lush, green hill. Nearby, there was a dirt road that led to a village up ahead. There were mountains to on the right side of the village ahead that had a large castle on the side of them.
“Where the hell…?” I said to myself in shock.
How did I get here? Was I really here? Where is here? Is this a dream? This must be a dream. A memory came to mind:
It was a calm day near the beginning of summer. I was at a band practice with Paul and Matt. We had gone through a couple songs that we were able to practice without a bass player or lead singer and were awaiting the arrival of the two members of our group who held those titles. During our wait, Matt and Paul had started to watch a show. I wasn’t paying attention to what it was because I was busy trying to rehearsing one of the songs I had learnt the night before. My patented Give-a-Fuck-O-Meter was running a flat zero. Until…
“My little pony, my little pony, aah-aah-aah-aaaaah…”
“Wait, wait, are you serious?” I asked getting up from where I stood and walking over to the two to confirm what I had just heard. On the screen of the laptop were six ponies with the theme song to the show wrapping up as Matt and Paul hummed along. I was quite dumbfounded. Really? I asked myself. They’re watching MY LITTLE PONY?!!?! WHAT?!!?!
“Is there something you guys wanna tell me?” I asked.
“Oh right, wanna watch with us?” Replied Matt, I smacked my forehead with a palm a bit harder than I intended to.
“No thanks man… You can keep your… Ponies to yourself, I’m quite content without them.” I stated sitting back down across from them.
“Come learn about the magic of friendship with usssss!” Paul exclaimed.
“Join the herd!” Matt also exclaimed.
“Become a brony!”
“Acquire muffins!”
“How about no…” I replied as I started soloing randomly starting on a high A# to block out the 'brony' band members convincing argument to make me become one of them.
“JOIN THE HERD! JOIN THE HERD! JOIN THE HERD!” They chanted. I turned my amp louder and kept playing…
This can’t be the same place! I screamed in my mind. But it looked so much like what I had seen from the little glimpse of the show I had. The castle in the distance looked just like the one in the intro of that show!
“How do I get out of here?” I asked myself out loud “I know! I’ll fall down, that’ll wake me up!” I then threw myself face first into the ground as I felt my face rebound off the hard ground keeping my eyes shut tightly. After a few moments, I opened my eyes, the soft grass was still there, along with the rest of the scenery.
“Oh God, this can’t be happening, I…” I notice a guitar case next to me. I open the case to find my cherry sunburst Epiphone Les Paul that I had named Amy. I look around and see more of my possessions strewn around on the hill.
I picked up my wallet which no longer contained the $443 I had before, however, it now contained a large amount of small golden coins. My backpack which contained my laptop and my guitar equipment as well as my iPod Touch which no longer had the ‘white screen of death’. I found an amplifier and effects pedal on the ground, both of which were not mine, but both were items I had wanted to buy for quite some time. After much reorganising of my backpack, I managed to fit my newly acquired effects pedal inside.
I sat down and took out my wallet to count the number of gold coins I had, it was not the best idea because of where I was, but I needed to know what I was working with. Several of the coins had the number ten or fifty inscribed on one side of them. The ten was thicker than the ones without numbers and the fifty was thicker than both of those. There were six coins inscribed with the number fifty, fourteen coins with the number ten and three without any inscription. Four hundred and forty three coins. Okay, at least I haven't been swindled. I put the coins I had taken out back into my wallet and stuffed the very full wallet into my left pocket. I collected my guitar case, backpack and new amplifier and set my sights on the village ahead.
“Alright, you know what?” I said out loud to nobody in particular except maybe whatever gods ruled this place, and by gods, I meant my subconscious “I’ll play along with this shit. I mean, yeah, good job brain. You got all the fine details right! Right down to how grass feels! Good job, but I know this isn’t real, so I’m just gonna play along until I can wake up and go post this story on 4chan so they can make some sense of what fuckery is happening!”
I was right. If I had an internet connection, I would ask 4chan about where I was and how I got here. They’ve got an explanation for everything, no matter how ridiculous. Usually the first answer is always right, I could imagine the first response: “OP is a faggot and clearly sucked so many horse dicks that he now thinks he’s in Equilivia.” And the next post would probably read “/thread.” Either way, it didn’t matter. It seemed for now I was here, wherever here was exactly. Equinia or some shit, I don’t remember.
I should probably go into town and hope I don’t get chased around by a big pony with a chainsaw or some shit. I chuckled to myself at the thought. Oh, that’d be priceless. Resident Evil 4 and My Little Pony, instead of Ganado, Leon’s gotta fight pony villagers. That’d be a cool mod, I’d use it.
“Alright, enough fucking around.” I said to myself out loud. I took a deep breath and exhaled.
“Hi!” A perky, high-pitched voice said. I jumped and quickly looked around to find no one close by. I decided to pass it off as my brain fucking with me more. I turned to face the village again when a pink pony with a very puffy mane hung upside down in front of me looking into my eyes and said “I’m Pinkie Pie, what’s your name?” I proceeded to fall on my backside and let out a small yelp. I am quite pathetic when I am scared.
“Wh-wh-who?” I asked as I held my right arm in front of me in some silly attempt to keep her at bay.
“My name’s Pinkie Pie.” She said looking at me with a slightly confused look “What’s your name?”
“M-m-my n-n-name’s J-Jimmy…” I sputtered trying to inch myself backwards. Oh God… I thought. Not THIS one! This is the one they wrote that fucked up fanfic about!!! Oh God don’t kill me, don’t kill me… I was shocked and scared and every bad feeling possible all at once. I had read Cupcakes because I had seen a few ‘bronies’ raving about it and wanted to see what the fuss was about. I shouldn’t have done that...
Wait a minute. I thought. If she was gonna kill you, and this is your subconscious, wouldn’t she have done it by now? I presented a valid point. My subconscious hated me. I hardly ever had good dreams. Every dream I remembered always involved me dying at the hand of one of my friends or them dying as well as me or generally, just death.
You’re right. I replied. She might be friendly.
I hope you’re right, for your sake.
Me too.
Hey, she’s saying something, focus up.
“Jimmy?” She asked looking confused as I snapped out of my internal conversation “That’s a weird name for somepony.”
“It’s a p-perfectly normal name from w-where I come f-f-from.” I said standing up, still trembling, I attempted to regain my composure, which is difficult when you’re trying to talk to a pink pony who may or may not want to turn your horribly naïve ass into cupcakes “Pinkie… Was it? Where am I?”
“You’re on a hill, silly.” Pinkie replied giggling.
“No, no… I mean, what country am I in? More importantly, what country you from?"
“Whaa?”
"'Whaa' ? 'Whaa ' ain't no country I ever heard of, do they speak English in 'Whaa '?" I smirked at my clever Pulp Fiction reference. I may as well have some fun with this. This is a dream after all.
"I don't know, I haven't been there!" She replied smiling, my face went from a smirk to a frown in less than a second. She giggled "You're funny, Jimmy. Where are you from?"
"Err... I asked you first."
"Oops! Silly me! I'm from Ponyville! What about you?" Ponyville? Oh Jesus.
“Oh… Umm… Alright, alright, lemme try and reason this out for you. Sit down, let me try and talk this out with you, maybe you can help me.” I said sitting back down, putting my hands to my face while trying to think of what to tell her exactly.
“Hmm… I think I know somepony who might know about where you’re from and might even know what you are!” she said as she jumped to her fee- Err, hooves. I know what I am, I don’t need someone to tell me I’m human. I thought “She’s back in Ponyville, come on!”
She skipped along down the dirt road towards ‘Ponyville’, as it was called.
“Well, don’t have much of a choice, do I?” I asked myself as I picked up my things and followed the energetic pink pony into Ponyville.
Don’tmakemeintocupcakesdon’tmakemeintocupcakesdon’tmakemeintocupcakesdon’tmakemeintocupcakes…
As I walked through the town next to the prancing pony, many other ponies gave me odd looks. I expected it though. I suppose they’d never seen anything close to what a human looks like before. Hell, I was giving them the same looks they were giving me. One particular mint-green pony stopped me and poked my hand, it then proceeded to squeal and run off somewhere. Well, it's not the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me. I thought to myself.
We eventually reached a large tree with a door on it which I had recognised from a picture, this was the library where one of the main characters lived. Pinkie knocked on the door, which was quickly answered by a unicorn with a lavender coloured coat; she had a streak of pink in her dark mane and an odd sparkle shape on her rear. I then glanced to Pinkie and noticed she had three balloons on her rear, wait, I know what those are, they’re called… Cootie marks… Or something like that. Until I heard their real name, I was calling them ‘arse tattoos’, which I think sounds much better.
Heh heh, hey Jimmy, Jimmy, dude, they’ve all got tramp stamps! Hahahaha!! That’s glorious! It’s funny cuz they’re all whores! One of my inner voices shouted. I was beginning to doubt this entire thing being a dream state. I never hear my head-voices when I’m dreaming.
“Hi Pinkie Pie” the lavender unicorn said cheerfully, she then turned her gaze to me and jumped “Pinkie! What is that?” she said after backing up slightly, raising one hoof and pointing it at me. Nice to meet you too, horny-head.
“Oh, his name’s Jimmy, he’s a… What was it called again?” She looked up at the sky as though the word would be floating in the clouds.
“I’m a human.” I said answering Pinkie’s and the purple unicorn’s question at the same time “Pinkie said you might be able to tell me about where the hell I am, how the hell I got here and most importantly: How the hell to get back.”
“A human…? I was reading something about humans a little while ago…” she thought out loud “Come inside, I’ll try to find that book for you.” She said motioning her hoof for us to come in.
I walked in while Pinkie… Bounced, inside the tree or library or house… Thing. A purple light covered the door and the door closed after I entered, I looked over to the unicorn and saw her horn glowing the same purple. I held back the temptation to ask the unicorn if she was a wizard while maintaining a wide-mouthed expression with diverging eyes.
“Oh, I’m sorry; I didn’t even introduce myself to you.” The unicorn said with a slightly embarrassed tone. Yeah, you should’ve done that before screaming in disgust or whatever it was when you saw me, you know? Would’ve been nice. You don’t see me flipping my shit at multicolour ponies, do you? “My name is Twilight Sparkle, what was your name again?”
“My name’s Jimmy.” I said looking around the library at the many books and papers on the ground. Every pile pertained to a different subject and not a single sheet of paper that had not been written up completely could be seen. I picked up one specific paper. It was written in English, but it might as well be Greek. To me, it was all complicated words and numbers that made no sense. The pile of books and papers I had picked it out from seemed to pertain to astrophysics.
Huh, no wonder. I thought. Twilight levitated a book down from a high shelf.
“Here we are.” She said “The Formation of Old Equestria.” She rested the book on a pedestal and read from it.
‘Several thousand years ago, the land we now know as Equestria was controlled by creatures called humans. These creatures were intelligent like the ponies of today, however, humans seemingly had no knowledge of magic and relied on technology to do most of the tasks we use magic for today. The human territories were constantly in conflict with each other. Eventually, after thousands of years of seemingly constant conflict, there was a great war which nearly destroyed this planet as several of its land masses were reduced to nothing. At the end of this war, the human race had become extinct.’
“The rest of the book just talks about how pony-folk took control of their territories and such.” Twilight said “So Jimmy, it seems you’re not from another dimension, but from the very distant past. I wish I could help you get back, but the only time spells that do exist are temporary, they hardly last a minute. I’m sorry.”
Dude, hey dude… Seriously, dude…
What is it?
I think this is real man… Like… Really real…
Fuck off, this isn’t real. Come on, are you retarded or something? Talking ponies? Directly from My Little Pony?
Do you really think your subconscious could make all this up? Look around you! This is way too Goddamned real! You want proof? Go read the passage from that book. If it isn’t all jumbles of random letters and numbers, then this is real.
That seemed reasonable. I walked over to the book and found the passage. The words were exactly as Twilight had read.
Told you.
No fucking way. Fuck you. We’re not here.
No, fuck you. We’re here. We’re ACTUALLY here. This isn’t a dream. No waking up. The bottom line is that this isn’t a dream. There isn’t any afterlife, so don’t even try that shit. We’re here. Cope with your circumstances, and start coping NOW.
I sometimes hated my head-voices. They were brutally honest. All. The. Time. So, Equestria, was it? Talking ponies, was it? Can’t wake up, was it? Cope with the circumstances… Was it? Time to cope with it then.
“I can’t ever go back?” I asked. Twilight shook her head. Pinkie looked saddened by this too. Pinkie seemed very concerned with my well-being. It wasn't something I entirely expected. I expected everyone, or, everypony , to be either hostile or for them to just ignore me.
“So… What do I do? I don’t know anyo- Anypony here. Except for you two as of the past half hour or however long ago it was I met Pinkie… I’ve got nowhere to go… What do I do?” I asked.
“You can stay with me!” Pinkie said regaining her happy expression. She then started to jump around the room “Come on Jimmy! I’m your friend! Ooh! And you can make new friends! I’ll throw a party welcoming you to Ponyville and you can meet our friends! That’s a great idea! Come on! Let’s go to Sugar Cube Corner!” I looked at her with a puzzled expression.
“But… You just met me… You don’t even know me, why would you go so far for me?”
“Because Jimmy! I can’t stand to see anypony without a friend!” Pinkie replied “And I want to be your friend!” I paused for a moment.
I think Pinkie’s a pretty cool mare, she throws parties and doesn’t afraid of humans. I like her!
No horse-fucking for you.
DUH!! God, what the hell man! Really? Look, you may be a teenager with overactive hormones, but fucking hell, we’re not going after a horse!
Alright, alright, just checking.
Fuckin’ right you were just checking.
What do in this situation?
Express gratitude? Give her a hug? Both? I dunno.
I snapped out of my internal conversation and looked to Pinkie. I smiled at her. I walked closer to her.
“Thank you, Pinkie Pie.” I said holding my arms out to hug her. She then stood on her hind legs and swung her fore legs around my neck embracing me tightly, a little too tightly, she smelled like cotton candy, which surprised me quite a bit, but I didn’t mind.
Mmm… Cotton candy…
“Twilight get in here!” She shouted as she grabbed Twilight and pulled her into the hug as well.
“You can consider me your friend too Jimmy.” Twilight said “I hope we’ll become the best of friends!”
“Thank you Twilight.” I said with slight strain in my voice from the lack of oxygen due to the two ponies embracing me tightly.
“Come on Jimmy! We’ve got a party to set up!” Pinkie said breaking the embrace and hopping out the door.
What a day this had been so far…
With A Little Help From My Friends
Chapter 16 - Twenty Flight Rock
This morning I woke up own my own with no white unicorns kicking me out of my bed. I was grateful for that. It was 10 am, I felt that I may as well get up, I don’t want to be cooped up in the studio all day today like I was yesterday. I actually felt like doing something this morning, that’s the first time in a long time. I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling motivated. After my morning rituals, I went to the kitchen and started making an omelet. I made some extra mixture just in case someone or pony else would want some too. As far as I could tell, I was the only one who had been up and around this morning. I guess yesterday really wore everyone out. After I had my cheese and mushroom omelet and still no sign of anyone or pony waking up or generally being conscious, I went upstairs to my room to get ready to go out. I donned some jeans, a t-shirt and my hat and was about to head out the door when there was a knock. I opened the door to find Rainbow Dash.
“Hey Jimmy,” She started “What’re you doing today?”
“Hey Rainbow, well, I didn’t have anything planned really.” I replied. She looked me up and down.
“Well, it looks like you had something planned.”
“Yeah, I was just gonna go out and get some fresh air.” I chuckled “Come in, come in.” I said opening the door and stepping out of the way so she could get inside. I walked with her to the kitchen where I offered her a drink which she declined.
“So what brings you here today?” I asked Rainbow.
“Oh right, remember way back at Pinkie’s party when you first came to Ponyville that I’d show you some of my moves sometime?” She asked.
“Oh yeah, I remember.” I replied looking back two weeks into my past. I quickly glance over everything that’s happened.
Allow me to give you the list:
Found myself in land of ponies. Met ponies. Reunited with best friend number one. Got a flying hat. Fought a dragon. Got my first broken bones because of the dragon. Met princesses. Found best friend number two. Met lesbian ponies. Almost got raped multiple times by one of the princesses. Bought house. Moved into house with friends and lesbian ponies. Good times. Good times.
“I’m off-duty today, so, wanna come see me practice?” She asked.
“Yeah, sure Dashie. I’d love to. Should I bring any of the others?” I asked. Suddenly, a wild Matt appeared.
“Mornin’ Rainbow Dash, mornin’ Jimmy.” He said groggily sitting down at the table.
“Mornin’.” Dash and I replied.
“Say Matt, wanna come see Dashie show off her moves?” I asked.
“Yeah sure, when?” He replied.
“Once you have breakfast and get dressed.” I said firing up the stove and putting a pan on the lit burner.
“Sounds good.” He said rubbing his eyes.
“Dashie, you sure you don’t want anything to eat or drink?” I ask as I pour some of the omelet mixture into the pan.
“Nah, I’m alright.” She replied. Suddenly a wild Paul appeared.
“Jolly good day lads,” He said in a more British accent than usual “and, lass.” He finished as he sat down. I lit another burner and put a pan over it to make Paul’s breakfast.
“Hey Paul, wanna come with us to see Rainbow Dash show us her moves?” Matt asked.
“Yush!” He replied “Very yush!” Rainbow Dash smiled.
“It’s gonna be awesome, trust me!” She stated confidently.
After breakfast, the four of us headed to the outskirts of Ponyville into a grassy field under a clear blue sky. According to Rainbow, this is her normal practice spot. Rainbow showed off her stunts for a little over a half an hour before taking a small break. She had dazzled all of us with the skillful execution of her flips and rolls while leaving a beautiful rainbow behind her wherever she flew.
“Rainbow! Those moves were amazing!” Matt stated while applauding her as she hovered just above the ground.
“That was awesome!” Paul continued hugging Rainbow as she landed.
“Aw, thanks guys,” Rainbow said “I told you it’d be awesome!”
“That was really cool, Dashie!” I started “Say, could you show us the sonic rainboom today?” Matt and Paul’s mouths went agape for a moment. Suddenly they flung themselves at Dashie’s hooves.
“PLEASE DO THE SONIC RAINBOOM!!!! PLEASE?!?!?!?!” They pleaded as they got on their hands and knees and begged.
“Uhh… I don’t know if I’m up to it today guys…” She replied trying to shake Matt and Paul off of her forelegs “I’ve only really been able to do it twice and both of those were when I had some kind of crazy adrenaline rush. I don’t know if I’ll just be able to do it…”
“Really?” I said.
What could give her an adrenaline rush?
Screwing her sideways?
No, not screwing her sideways.
Oh come on, that’s effective!
Yes, it is effective, but not right now. That is not the solution. Anything other than that. What could do it... Got it!
“Rainbow. Race me. Now.”
“What? I’m not gonna race you.” She replied looking a bit surprised. Matt stifled a laugh while Paul gave me the same surprised look Rainbow did.
“What’s the matter, Dashie?” I said grinning “Chicken?” Rainbow perked up with a face that went from completely dumbfounded to angry.
“What’d you say?!” She half-yelled successfully shaking off Matt and Paul “I’m no chicken!!” Matt and Paul looked at each other and burst out laughing “What the hay are you two laughing about?!” She snapped.
“Well, maybe they want you… To prove you’re not a chicken.” I grinned.
“YOU’RE ON PAL!” Rainbow yelled. She flew onto a cloud directly above us leaving a small rainbow-coloured fire on the ground where she was standing.
Shit’s on fire, yo. It’s rainbow coloured and shit.
“THE FIRST ONE TO GET BACK HERE AFTER PASSING THROUGH GHASTLY GORGE IS THE WINNER!!”
“Jimmy, don’t do it, she can go super-sonic. There’s no way in hell you can beat her.” Paul stated “Another thing: GHASTLY. GORGE. That’s not a good plan. Trust me.”
“Paul, let me explain something to you:” I started “There’s a reason why you two flipped out when I brought up the rainboom. Now, you guys are gonna appreciate the fuck out of it when you see her do it. I don’t care about winning, all that shit was just to rile her up.” I put on my cap that had been resting on the ground next to me.
“Good luck with that shit, I’m gonna chill right here and just not give a fuck.” Matt said lying down on the grass and putting on a pair of sunglasses.
“Gee, thanks.” I said as I started my ascent to the cloud. I wondered how fast I could really fly with this hat as I tried looking at the two small wings that came out of the sides of the hat. I landed on the cloud and looked to Dashie.
“Who’s counting us off?” I asked.
“Can I do it?” Said Pinkie’s voice.
What the hell?
Where was she?
I looked around for a sign of the pink earth pony when her head popped through the cloud we stood on.
“Can I, please?” She said disappearing back through the cloud.
“Sure, Pinkie, you can count us off.” Rainbow said when Pinkie’s head poked through the cloud again.
“WOOHOO!” She yelled falling back through “On your marks!” Rainbow and I got into our starting positions “Get set!” Our backs arched up in the air, our wings spread from their folded positions. “GOOOOO!!!” Pinkie yelled as her head poked up through the cloud one last time.
Immediately Dash and I took off at blazing fast speed. Somehow I was able to keep up with her, I didn’t know how and I wasn’t questioning it, all I knew was that I needed to maintain this speed and preferably go faster as I was lagging just a bit behind her. Suddenly I felt very competitive, like I actually wanted to win. It was as though I felt I needed to win. Rainbow turned her head to face me.
“You’re gonna have to go faster than that if you wanna catch me!” She yelled as she sped up. I mimicked her burst of speed and kept up my pursuit.
I followed Rainbow over a large forest and into a large gorge. I guess this was the aforementioned ‘Ghastly Gorge’.
The name makes me think of a course in Mario Kart.
The gorge had a river that ran through it along with several small islands littered throughout with pine trees on them.
Rainbow descended into the gorge keeping her pace.
I won’t overtake her now. I don’t know this gorge, she probably does. I’ll have to keep a close eye on her and follow even closer behind.
I kept close as we reached a tunnel with an incredibly strong wind blowing through it. Rainbow managed to fly through it no problem. However, I had to put my hands on my hat to keep it from blowing off my head as I flew behind her, making me lose quite a bit of speed. It seems my speed is determined by the amount of concentration I’m using on my flight.
As I exited the cave I see Rainbow Dash considerably further ahead of me rounding some seemingly tight corners. I followed suit, speeding up considerably. I saw Rainbow Dash enter a large ‘forest’ in the middle of the gorge filled with thorny vines that were unnaturally thick. She flew through it, doing flips and spins while jumping from vine to vine. I gulped. I had to go through it. I slowed down and took my time as I tried to speed through the spikey forest. I got out of it unscathed to find Rainbow Dash at the other side lazing around in the air.
“Come on Jimmy, you didn’t challenge me just so I could kick your sorry butt, did you?” She laughed as she flew off again. I shot straight out of the forest and caught up to Rainbow. We reached a more narrow part of the gorge. Rainbow flew closer to the right wall of the gorge. Suddenly a giant eel shot out of the left side, barely missing Rainbow Dash as she proceeded to avoid several other eels who had also popped out of the wall. I stopped mid-flight and looked at the wall of eels as they slithered back into their holes.
“Don’t even think about flying over this gorge!” I heard Rainbow Dash call.
Shit. Okay, just stick to the wall as much as you can and check the opposite side for the eels. Or. Just speed through and hope for the best. Why don’t I do both?
GENIUS OF THE YEAR.
I took off as fast as I could in a straight line through the wall of eels. Somehow, they all managed to miss me, the last one I was barely able to duck under when it jumped out of its cave early in an attempt to eat me for lunch. I sped up again seeing a rainbow trail going around a corner where an avalanche had taken place. As I exited the gorge I found Rainbow hovering over the ground waiting for me. Again.
“We’re not done yet!” She said as she flew straight up into the sky. I followed her as she ascended into the air. I could tell she was getting tired, but that wouldn’t matter. She intended to dive at an even faster speed that I could ever hope to achieve towards the finish line. She had this race from the start. But something kept pulling at me. I had to win. I couldn’t let this pony beat me!
At last she stopped in the air, panting a bit. I ascended to her level. She grinned at me.
“Smell ya later.” She said in an all too familiar voice that resembled Gary Oak’s own. She took off towards the ground almost as though she intended to crash into it as fast as she could.
No. I’m not being beaten today. I have to win this!
I took off right after her at the same angle she did. I caught up to her. We were neck and neck as we headed straight for the ground. The two of us had passed over the gorge in our descent. A cone started to form around us. Rainbow’s got increasingly sharper as did mine. The wind in my eyes was almost too much. I couldn’t let it shake me. I had to keep this pace up or all was lost! Rainbow’s cone started to change colours with the dominant ones being red and white. The other colours of the rainbow could be seen shimmering off of it. My cone stayed white.
Come on! Come on!! COME ON!!! I GOTTA WIN THIS!!!!
Suddenly a loud boom erupted from beside me. A long rainbow erupted and an explosion coloured like a rainbow were formed where Dashie had just been.
OHSHITFUCKFUCKFUCKTREESINCOMINGOHGODDAMNITSHITTYSHITSHITSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTT!!!
The boom managed to send me spinning out towards the trees below me. I couldn’t get control of my hat again and decided I should just grin and bear hitting into the trees I could see approaching me. I closed my eyes.
“Not this shit again.” I said to myself bracing for impact.
I felt something sweep me from my fall just before I could hit the tree line. I looked up. It was Rainbow Dash. Her mane and tail were flowing wildly behind her creating a seemingly solid rainbow as she flew along. She looked down at me and smiled. I looked behind us to see where Rainbow had broken the sound barrier. A large rainbow-coloured circle in the sky remained along with a solid rainbow that broke through the center of it and stretched in a straight line until it curved upwards and then erratically downwards to where I had been falling. She slowed down as we got closer to the field in which Matt, Paul and Pinkie awaited our arrival. The three spectators were applauding and jumping around in glee from the amazing feat Dashie had just accomplished.
“That was SO AWESOME!!!!” Matt yelled.
“HOLY CRAP A SONIC RAINBOOM!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!” Paul exclaimed.
“OHMYGOSHRAINBOWTHATWASSOAWESOMEIMEANYOUWEREALLLIKEWHOOSHANDZOOMANDNEEERMANDSTUFFNADTHENYOUWENTALLLIKEKABOOMANDTHENAHUGERAINBOWEXPLOSIONOFAWESOMENESSYOU’RESOAWESOMERAINBOWDASH!!!” Pinkie screamed while animating herself accordingly with each sound effect.
“That was awesome, Rainbow Dash.” I said smiling at her.
“You really thought you could beat me?” She asked “I have told you I’m the best flier in Equestria.”
“I didn’t intend to win,” I started “I just wanted to make sure you were able to pull off that rainboom. So, I gave you a little push, and, it worked. Also, you managed to save me from falling to my death for the second time. Thanks Dashie.”
“Hey! That’s my pet name for her!” Pinkie exclaimed. Dashie chuckled.
“No problem, Jimmy.” She said punching my shoulder lightly.
“I think we need to celebrate Dashie’s awesomeness.” I said as I looked to Pinkie and grinned. She looked as though she were about to complain about me using ‘Dashie’ again but stopped and a wide smile formed on her face.
“WE NEED TO PARTY!!!!” Shouted Pinkie jumping up in the air as streamers and confetti inexplicably flew out from behind her. We all agreed and headed to Sugar Cube corner for the five of us to celebrate Dashie’s awesomeness. We partied from three in the afternoon when we had arrived long into the early hours of the morning when Matt, Paul and I all stumbled off back to our house to sleep. Tomorrow I’m staying in bed. I’m too fuckin’ tired right now. Someone else can take over for adventures tomorrow.
I need a break…
