Chapters The Elements of Misfortune
The air of the tavern was dry and smelled strongly of alcohol. It was a simple tavern, with splintery planks as the floor and cracked paint on the walls. Tables and booths filled up most of the environment. The part that they didn't take up belonged to a wooden bar. Business was slow that night, leaving the grey stallion bartender to do not much but sort the bottles of liquor.
The tavern was mostly empty, except for six ponies who sat around a large corner booth. There were three pegasi, one unicorn, and two earth ponies, all sitting around the table.
They sat at this table because well... There was no other place to go. For a very stupid reason.
One pegasus waved the bartender over with a bandaged hoof. She tried smiling when he walked over, but it sent waves of pain across her bandaged up face. As the bartender arrived, he choked back a small gasp at the scene in front of him.
All six bore major injuries. The pegasus stallion that sat next to the brown pegasus mare was completely wrapped in bandages, save for his mouth and nose. His hair slumped over his face, shaggy in a black and cyan color. His fur may have been red, but for all the bartender knew, it could've been blood. It probably was blood considering his muzzle had fur as white as snow.
"Wh-what can I..." His voice trailed off as it came out as a high-pitched squeak. He cleared his throat and tried again. "What can I get y'all?"
The brown pegasus mare looked up at him slowly, as if she forgot for a moment that she summoned him. Her shortened, shaggy, black and white mane was hanging outside of a bandage that wrapped the whole half of her face. "I.. I can't remember what I wanted." She said flatly, her free green eye looked dull and tired.
"We'll all take a mug of cider." The other pegasus spoke up, fixing his red and green gaze on the bartender from the other side of the table. He had red fur with a red mane that was mixed with white. Bandages wrapped around his left wing, left legs, and his ribs. His head and muzzle were both wrapped in a thick gauze.
"Would ya just like a pitcher?" The bartender asked. There was an earth pony stallion that sat next to the red pegasus. He was just as badly bandaged up like the white pegasus stallion. He lifted his head from where it was slammed in the table and gave a painful smile. "Please." He said in a small voice before dropping his head back onto the table.
"A pitcher?" The brown pegasus snorted loudly. "Who the fuck drinks from a pitcher?!"
The bartender tried not to flinch as the other earth pony, who had only his head bandaged, leaned forward and smacked the pegasus. "You are and you're gonna LOVE it."
At first, the bartender thought the pony was brown, but with a closer look, he noticed it was old caked mud. The stallion did have brown fur, but the caked blood was darker.
The brown pegasus looked hurt for a moment before breaking up in tears. "You're a dick, Blaze!" She choked out between sobs.
"Don't mind her." A quiet voice from the middle of the booth spoke up. The voice came from a broken-looking white unicorn with short, blonde hair. "Somepony drugged her with Molly."
"Fuck you, Ethelind!" The brown pegasus sobbed. "It was totally a Smartie. I think..." She stopped crying and looked into the distance.
"Please, just get us our drinks." The bandaged up pegasus spoke up in a deep voice. "She's funner drunk than high."
"'Funner' isn't a word, Sarcasm." Ethelind said while she rubbed the bandage that wrapped her ribcage, wincing. "Don't use improper grammar."
The bartender shook his head and hurried off to retrieve their drinks.
"These fucking pixies need to piss off already." The brown pegasus groaned, pawing the air with her hoof like a defenseless zombie.
"Seriously, Spade, how the fuck does ecstasy look like Smarties?" The red pegasus snorted from across the table.
"Fuck you, Hurricane!" Spade yelled at the pegasus. The earth pony that sat next to Hurricane winced at her volume.
"Spade, please, for the sake of my headache, shut up." The earth pony mumbled with his face squished up against the table.
"Ignore her, Trock. She's still... Not very sane." Blaze growled from his shadowed side of the table.
The bartender arrived with the pitcher and the mugs. Spade immediately grasped for hers. "Please, pour me some." She whimpered quietly.
Ethlind used her magic to levitate the pitcher around, pouring everpony a drink, excluding herself.
Blaze rolled his eyes and grabbed the pitcher. "You're gonna need to numb the pain." He said before Ethelind could object.
The white unicorn sighed and accepted her drink. "Thanks." She thanked Blaze before sipping her mug.
"Woah.... I just realized something..." Spade gasped when she set her half drunken cup down. "We are totally gonna get executed."
Everypony stopped dead at her words.
"Holy shit." Hurricane gasped, slightly shaking.
The bartender was now completely interested. "May I ask something?" He finally spoke.
Blaze waved his hoof uninterestedly. "Ask away."
"What happened?"
Ethelind set her cup down, as did Trock. Spade just choked on the cider she was chugging down.
"So, you want to know, eh?" Hurricane finally said after five seconds of awkward silence.
"If it isn't too much trouble." The bartender asked sheepishly.
"Alrighty then, pull up a chair, this is gonna take a while." Sarcasm said, wincing as his mouth moved.
When the bartender was seated, Hurricane shook his head towards Ethelind, indicating she start.
After a small sigh, she looked at the bartender. "It all started when Celestia came to the Summer Sun Celebration..."
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 1: Drunks and cards
It was late at night, the black night sky settling over the land of Equestria. Most buildings were closed for the night, save for the late night bars and the occasional 24/7 drug store.
Six friends sat in a booth inside one of the late night bars. The bar was located just outside of Ponyville, placed by where the gangs roamed the alleys and the prostitutes work at the street corners.
The bar was named 'Stonehedge', but to the six friends who sat around the circular booth, it was just called the 'Hedge'.
The names of the ponies were Ethelind, Blaze, Trock, Hurricane, Spade, and Sarcasm. Ethelind was the smart unicorn of the group, always correcting the other's mistakes. She had a snow-white coat with a short, blonde mane. A pair of glasses resided in front of her blue eyes.
Ethelind sat next to Blaze the earth pony. The other five didn't really know his true mane color, due to the fact that he constantly styled it in different colors. Tonight it was a slick and shiny black, spiked around. He wore a silver chain around his neck and had a pair of black glasses he rarely removed.
Blaze was diagnosed bi-polar as a colt. It would probably explain why he would suddenly lash out in a fit of anger.
Next to Blaze sat Trock, a nerdy gray earth pony with a long, shaggy black mane. He was always trying to hook up with mares, but to his dismay, was always rejected. He always had a bow tie around his neck, everyday it was a different color. Tonight, a red bow tie was tied to his neck.
Sitting in the middle was Hurricane, the red pegasus with red eyes and a slicked red and white mane. Huricane was the sadistic one in the group, as well as a masochist. The other five tried avoiding his house as much as possible. Various torture devices could be found around his house. Once, he had to call the five over. He left the room only to come back and see his friend trying to kill each other with some of his devices.
It's a wonder, sometimes, how they are still friends.
They stayed away from his place ever since.
Spade sat next to Hurricane. Such a cheater, a lying cheater. She was a light brown pegasus with a black and white mane. It was shaggy, long, and contained various brands of playing cards. If she's losing a game? She just grabs the card needed either from her tail or her mane. Years of practice allowed her to do it unnoticed.
She was caught, of course. Only once. Got herself arrested in the process. She even made Ethelind get up at 3 a.m. to come and bail her out.
Last of all was Sarcasm the unicorn. He's not as sarcastic as his name says he is. He's more perverted than anything. He had a short but shaggy blonde mane and a red coat of fur. He was always getting suspended due to some of the jokes he would make. When the other five had enough of his perversion, they would tie his mouth up and cover his horn with a leather holster so he can't use magic to get free.
They left him at Blaze's house and forgot about him once. They chained his hooves together and he got stuck under the bed. Blaze hired an exorcism in his room, convinced it would stop the noises from under his bed.
Sarcasm is still pretty sore about the issue today.
The six were playing a game of poker. Sarcasm suggested a game of strip poker, but all five down voted it. Ethelind pointed out they rarely even wore clothes anyways.
"Royal flushhhhh..." Sarcasm snickered, the last to place his hand down.
"Well, shit." Spade said, pushing her cards away from her. "I ain't got nothing."
"You haven't won a single hand tonight, Spade. What's up with that?" Hurricane said, taking a swig of his mug.
"Probably because I hate poker. Texas Hold 'em is even worse." Spade snorted as she sipped from her bottle of Buckweiser. "But you guys should know that."
Ethelind pushed her hand away from herself as well. "But come on. Even I won a hand or two, and I'm not even drunk."
"I'm only buzzed." Trock protested.
"And pigs fly." Blaze muttered and shoved Trock lightly.
"I think Sarcasm's stoned." Hurricane observed, and all five looked over at the unicorn. His pupils were enlarged, and he was shaking slightly. A large grin was present on his face.
"Nah, dudes. I'm just reeeeaaalllyyy happy I won." He said as he patted Spade's shoulder. Spade smacked his hoof away.
"He probably should've stuck with alcohol. If he passes out, I'm not taking him home." Spade declared, scooting slightly away.
"Not it." Trock said, sticking his hoof in the center. The other four followed, shouting "not it" as they did so.
Hurricane was last. "Dammit." He muttered, staring daggers at Sarcasm. "If you pass out, I'm shaving your hair."
"Yup. Drugs are bad. Don't do 'em, kids." Spade said in a terrible role model's voice.
"So's alcohol." Ethelind pointed out. She was the only one without a drink. "Why do you guys even drink in the first place? It's pointless."
"Pointless but fun." Blaze muttered just loud enough for all to hear.
"I drink to get rid of the headache I get from drinking." Spade sat back against the cushions and crossed her arms.
"Well, don't drink in the first place." Ethelind pointed out, rubbing her head.
"Well, then how would I get rid of the headache?" Said a clueless Spade.
"You just went full retard. Never go full retard, dude." Sarcasm slurred.
"Shut up, Stoner." Blaze sneered and took a big drink of his cider.
"Well, I'm done with poker." Trock sighed. " 'S anyone up for War?"
"Nah. Last time we played War was at Hurricane's house. We got into a big argument and tried to kill each other with his torture devices. Like barbarians." Ethelind muttered.
"So that's why? Y' guys never told me why you were trying to do so." Hurricane said.
"Hell, without the devices, we probably woulda used our hooves." Blaze pointed out.
Spade smiled and nudged Hurricane. "I found a manticore." She snickered.
"I didn't?" Trock said, confused as Hurricane lowered his head and flushed a brighter red.
"What, like a baby?" Ethelind asked.
"Nooo..." Spade said. "It's not a living thing."
"Shut up, Spade." Hurricane muttered, his ears folding back.
"What? Was it dead?!" Blaze said, alarmed.
"It was never alive." Spade snorted.
"Shut up." Hurricane repeated.
The other four were confused. "So... What was it?" Trock asked.
"It's a-" Spade began.
"It's a pair of socks!" interrupted a flustered Hurricane.
"Sure. A pair of socks." Spade snickered again and sipped her bottle.
Hurricane shot her a mischievous look. "Wasn't as bad as those cards you keep behind your pillow."
Spade's eyes went wide and she tried to gasp, resulting in her choking on her beverage. "Dammit, Hurricane!" She spluttered.
"I honestly didn't know you were into bondage." Hurricane chuckled.
"What?!" Blaze, Trock, and Ethelind said in unison. Sarcasm just stared ahead blankly.
"They were a gift!" Exclaimed a red-faced Spade.
"Who in the fuck gives you porn playing cards as a gift?" Hurricane asked.
"No one important!" Spade said.
"Wow Spade. Remind me to stay away from your room." Blaze said, slightly shocked.
"I don't masturbate, for fuck's sake." Spade snorted. "Hell, I don't even look at them."
She turned and shot an angry look at Hurricane. "By the way, a manticore is a foot-long butt-plug with spikes."
"What?!" The four shouted.
"Well, I think I'm going home for tonight." Blaze said quickly.
"Same." Trock said.
Sarcasm just fell off the chair.
Hurricane covered his head with his wings, sheilding his flustered face.
"Wait." Ethelind said quickly before they went seperate ways. "Are you guys going to the Sun Celebration tomorrow?"
"That's tomorrow?" Spade asked. "Yeah, probably."
"I gotta check my schedule." Trock said.
"What a fag." Sarcasm wheezed from the ground. "I'm going for sure."
"Why not. I got nothing better to do." Blaze said.
"I'd assume Hurricane's going." Ethelind said.
The six then parted ways for the night.
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The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 2: On our lovely way to the celebration.
The moon was high in the sky on the night of the Summer Sun Celebration as
five ponies, Hurricane, Sarcasm, Spade, Trock, and Blaze were standing around outside of the Hedge, awaiting for Ethelind's arrival in silence.
"I hope she comes." Trock said as he leaned by the door, breaking the silence that settled over them.
"Me too," Spade muttered from her position by a nearby lamppost that weakly shed light over the five. "Without her here, I'm gonna feel like that confused mare at the sausage fest."
"Lovely." Trock muttered.
"I'm just pissed she reminded us that the damn event was today and decided not to show up herself." Blaze grumbled from the dark corner to the left of the bar, chewing on a toothpick.
"Why am I not surprised?" Sarcasm snorted from where he was sitting, which was by Hurricane who was by the left window.
Excuse me?" Blaze asked, splintering the wood of his toothpick beneath his clenched teeth.
"I'm saying I'm not surprised you are mad. No one is, anymore, Blaze." Sarcasm said calmly as he shined his hoof on his chest.
Blaze spat the pick from his mouth and strolled towards Sarcasm until he was nose to nose with the red unicorn. To his credit, Sarcasm didn't back down. He was taller than Blaze anyways. To Sarcasm, it felt like talking to a colt.
"Well, ain't you just precious when you're mad." Sarcasm snickered as he ruffled Blaze's mane.
"Stop!" Blaze snapped and pulled away from the unicorn, trying desperately to fix his Tuesday Hairdo, which was a black slicked mohawk that shone in the light. His coat was washed from any dye for once, revealing a smooth dark brown coat underneath.
"I'm not that bad, am I ?" Blaze asked Hurricane as he glared at Sarcasm.
"Woah, don't bring me into this. I'll just point out that you knocked a stallion waiter out yesterday at the Haystack Shack because he poured your drink on your left side instead of your right." Hurricane mumbled, looking away.
"That doesn't prove anything, you piece of-" Blaze began.
"For fuck's sake, Blaze! You nearly punched some pink pony because she invited you to a party at the library," Sarcasm said in defense for Hurricane. "If Hurricane wasn't there to stop you, you would've done it!"
"Yeah," Hurricane added hesitantly, still looking away. "Why would you do that? She was just inviting you to some party that's probably bad ass."
"Libraries are not meant for parties!" Blaze protested.
Spade rolled her eyes at Blaze. "Okay, now you just sound like an angry Ethelind."
"What sounds like an angry Ethelind?" A familiar voice behind Spade spoke up, spooking the brown pegasus and making her jump away from the lamppost.
"Shit, Ethelind, you gave me a heart attack!" Spade said, clutching her heart dramatically. Then she lowered her voice, "Ten more seconds and they would've ripped each other apart."
"I believe the term is "I 'nearly' gave you a heart attack." as seeing that I didn't really give you a heart attack and that-"
"What took you so long?" Blaze interrupted Ethelind rudely with a question as he walked away from Hurricane and Sarcasm.
"Why'd you ask?" Ethelind asked, sitting and smirking slightly. "Did you miss me?"
Blaze harrumphed and looked away. "No, I just needed to know that intelligence still exsists in this world." He said as he glared at Sarcasm and Hurricane.
"Hey!" Trock protested as he stood up straight. "I didn't do anything wrong!"
"That doesn't make you smart," Spade said as she pet his head. "Look at you. Trying to be smart but ends up being stupid and cute."
"I have a marefriend, Spade." Trock muttered as he slapped her hoof away.
"Congrats? What do you want, a fuckin' medal?" Spade asked.
"So don't call me cute." Trock said firmly.
"So what? Calling someone cute immediately makes a mare dick thirsty? I call my dog cute and I don't want to fuck her," Spade said as she shoved Trock away. "Saying you're cute is not a fuckdamn invitation to my bed."
"Are we going to sit here all night talking about fucking animals, or are we going to the damn celebration?" Sarcasm asked loudly, standing up and beginning to walk towards the town center.
Spade shot one last disgusted look at Trock before following.
Hurricane, Blaze, and Ethelind all shared looks with each other. Hurricane just shrugged. "We'd better hurry and get this night over with before we start tearing each other apart."
"I agree," Ethelind said as the three walked together, trying to catch up. "I had to carry a passed-out Hurricane last time you guys got into a fight, remember?"
"I remember," Hurricane said, trotting along Ethelind's side. "And I remember the bitch of a headache it produced," He paused and licked his lips, smiling slightly. "Not that I'm complaining or anything."
"Sicko." Blaze grumbled from Ethelind's other side.
Hurricane ignored Blaze as they passed through the town. "Damn...." he said as they passes through the town. "Everyone must've gone all out on decorating."
Hurricane was right as they passed through the colorful town.
"It's giving me a headache." Blaze grumbled as Ethelind walked ahead.
What doesn't give you a headache?" Hurricane pointed out.
"Not your voice. So shut up," Blaze said, smacking a sun streamer out of his face that hung from a 'Welcome to Ponyville' banner.
"Show some gratitide," Ethelind snapped at the two. "Ponies worked all day making the town look amazing while you guys were at the Hedge drinking." If Ethelind was curt with anyone, it was a bad sign. She practiced every spell in the book everyday and could geld a stallion in under 10 seconds.
"Oh, sorry," Hurricane said sarcastically. "Let me wipe Celestia's plot to make up for my loss."
"Whip her cutie mark a few times for brownie points." Blaze mumbled quietly, making both of them snicker as they walked behind Ethelind.
A rock smacked Hurricane in the head at the same time a hardcover book hit Blaze.
"Show some respect. Princess Celestia raises the sun everyday so ponies like you can live." Ethelind scolded the two stallions.
"I know what else she raises." Hurricane whispered as quietly as he could to Blaze, which apparently wasn't quiet enough as Ethelind magically smacked his head with a broomstick.
Finally, the three arrived in the town's center where hundreds of ponies were crowded around a stage.
Ethelind stopped suddenly, making Hurricane and Blaze bump into her. Ethelind shoved them away with her magic as she looked around the crowd.
"Do you guys see Trock, Spade and Sarcasm anywhere?" Ethelind asked, not at any specific pony.
"I saw Sarcasm's fat ass around here somewhere." Hurricane sniggered, looking back torwards the stage.
"Yeah, I see him." Blaze said, moving torwards the stage.
Ethelind and Hurricane tried to follow as Blaze jabbed and elbowed his way through the crowd.
"Watch it, Blaze, before you get your throat slit." Hurricane said smugly as he hovered above the crowd.
"Oh, sorry. Where are my manners?" Blaze said as he elbowed a brown pegasus on the back of the head. "Excuse me!" He yelled obnoxiously.
The brown pegasus turned around.swiftly, glaring at Blaze.
"What the fuck, Blaze?" Spade yelled, rubbing the back of her head.
"Oh hey, Blaze, I think we found them." Hurricane stated the obvious.
"No fucking shit, Sher-cock. Who the fuck else would we be?" Snapped a very clearly annoyed Spade.
"Well fuck you too." Hurricane snapped back as he landed by Trock.
"Name the time." Trock said as he waggled his eyebrows.
"Wasn't talking to you." Hurricane pushed Trock away.
Suddenly, silence swept over the crowd as the mayor mare stepped on stage.
"A silent crowd? Sarcasm, don't even think about it." Spade whispered angrily to the unicorn next to her.
Sarcasm smiled and took a deep breath.
"PENI-" was all he got out before Ethelind curtly shut him up with her magic.
A few looked at Sarcasm struggling to free his mouth while everyone else looked up at the Mayor as she began to speak. "Welcome, ponies of Ponyville..."
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 3: Nightmare Moon
"Tonight, a guest of honor will be joining us..." The mayor continued, her voice forcing enthusiasm.
Like most ponies in Ponyville, she was exhausted.
The time spent waiting for this moment took all day, and it was late at night.
Ethelind was fighting back a huge yawn while Hurricane kept dozing off, his eyelids drooping every so often.
Spade was already asleep, her head hung back and her mouth wide open.
Sarcasm glanced around quickly, making sure no one was watching as he withdrew a silver flask from his tail.
"....and raises the gallant sun everyday!" The mayor was still rambling.
Sarcasm tuned her out as he unscrewed the lid of his flask with his magic.
He then levitated it up to his lips and took a huge swig, swallowing and sighing with relief.
A paranoid looking purple unicorn next to him stared at him with surprise in her violet eyes.
Sarcasm shrugged.
"I just really hate the mayor's voice sometimes. Need to loosen up when forced to her speeches." He murmured to her.
"Shut up, Sarcasm!" Blaze whispered fiercely to the red unicorn, shoving him. "I'm trying to listen!"
Sarcasm rolled his eyes and took another drink. He noticed the purple unicorn still staring at him.
"They were the ones to drag me here, for the record." Sarcasm murmured to her quietly.
He then levitated the flask over to her.
"Want some?" He offered.
"Sweet Celestia, no!" The purple unicorn said with barely disguised disgust.
"Suit yourself." He said as he lifted up the flask and took another drink.
Hurricane blinked his eyes slowly, trying to keep his eyelids from drooping.
He swayed slightly, nudging Sarcasm in the process.
Sarcasm turned and stared blankly at Hurricane, the strong alcohol in his flask already getting him heated.
"Ay." He whispered over to the purple unicorn.
"What?!" She fiercely whispered back, taking a second to glance around in clear paranoia.
"Ye got a marker?" Sarcasm slurred then pointed at the dozing Hurricane.
The purple unicorn sighed heavily and rolled her eyes.
She used her magic to pop a black marker from thin air.
"Now, please, let me pay attention!" She said as Sarcasm took the marker into his own levitation.
Sarcasm silently mocked her words with a funny face silently before grabbing the lid of the marker and yanking it free.
He leaned behind Hurricane and used his levitation magic to scribble words all over the pegasus's back.
In Hurricane's delirious state, he never even felt Sarcasm writing on him.
Finally, Sarcasm giggled and replaced the lid of the marker.
'Insert dicks here' was scribbled aboved Hurricane's tail, along with a crudely drawn arrow showing where.
Sarcasm belched loudly and turned his attention back to the mayor, handing the unicorn next to him the marker. "Thanks." He whispered as she looked at him in disgust.
"...and so, I welcome our gallant princess, Princess Celestia!"
Despite the exhaustion, the crowd still cheered thrice as enthusiastic about seeing the princess. They all stared up at the curtaines balcony where the princess was to enter.
After a while, no one showed. Anxious whispering broke out amongst the crowd as the mayor whispered fiercely to a white unicorn with a curly purple mane.
"Nice job, Sarcasm." Trock snorted. "Your ugliness scared her away."
"Yo man, shut the fuck up." Sarcasm snorted, then grabbed the purple unicorn next to him and squeezed her close, "Atleast my new friend ain't a total bee-otch."
"Friend isn't the word I'd use." The unicorn protested as she tried to struggle free from Sarcasm's grip.
"Well, shit." Sarcasm sighed with genuine sarcastic sadness as he released her. "I thought we was homies."
"I bet you don't even know her name." Spade butted in.
"Of course I do. It's... Uh..." Sarcasm paused a moment to look over the mare.
"It's Purple Stripymane. I win."
"Yeah, whatever." Spade said, rolling her eyes.
"Guys, shouldn't we be worrying about more important matters?" Ethelind asked sharply. "Like, where's our princess?"
Suddenly, silence swept over the crowd as they heard footsteps from the balcony.
"Is it Princess Sun-butt?" Trock asked as he strained to see over the crowd.
"Wait... I don't think it is." Hurricane answered.
A blue, wavering mane was the first to come into view.
"Maybe...." Hurricane continued.
A creature, definitely not the princess, came into view.
Blue, cat-like eyes were narrowed down to slits as a curved helmet lay display onto the creature's head, fangs poking out from her lips.
Night armor covered her dark blue body, her bat-like wings extended for all to see.
But that wasn't it.
"Guys." Ethelind breathed. "It's an alicorn."
Ethelind was right; a large blue horn poked out from the creature's forehead.
A nervous murmuring broke out immediately over the croud as the creature smiled.
"Silence!" it yelled in an unusually loud voice.
"Fools, every one of thou." the creature began, using her wings to hover slowly over the crowd, glaring down at the quiet ponies.
"Aw shiiieeet!" Sarcasm said obnoxiously.
"Sarcasm!" The other five hissed at once, Ethelind magically shutting his mouth again.
The creature bared her teeth and roared over the crowd.
"Fools art thou, following under Celestia's rule like abandoned puppies trailing after thy lost parents. Does any of you mortals stand beside a good reason to follow thy princess?"
"Wait, what?" Asked Hurricane.
The crowd remained silent. The purple unicorn next to Sarcasm looked on the verge of tears. "I knew it..." She whispered.
"From this day onwards, Celestia's rule shall be no more! Bow under the leadership of Nightmare Moon!" The creature howled.
The crowd finally broke up, Everypony panicking and screaming.
The creature laughed evilly, lightening exploding behind her, "The night shall last forever!"
"Guys, I don't think that's Celestia." Hurricane pointed out.
"No shit, Sherlock. Did you figure that out all by yourself?" Spade asked sharply.
The creature then suddenly vanished, leaving a trail of black smoke behind her.
"Well, fuck." Trock said, staring after it.
The Elements of Misfortune
"Follow it!" Ethelind demanded, shoving past Spade and Sarcasm.
"Wait, what?!" Hurricane said, confused, as Ethelind ran past.
"Hell no!" Blaze snapped.
"I agree with Hurricane. 'What'!?" Spade said next.
"Yeah. Unless you said 'shallow tits', I'm not following." Sarcasm added, earning him a smack on his ear from Blaze.
"We don't have time for this!" Ethelind snapped, turning around and glaring at the six. "If you won't follow me, then I'll go alone!" With that, Ethelind turn and began to walk away.
"What the fuck are you thinking?" Trock yelled at Ethelind, shoving past Sarcasm and Spade as well, making Sarcasm stagger a little. "I sure as hell ain't chasing after some demon pony, and neither should you!"
Ethelind froze and turned around, staring deep into Trock's eyes.
"Who said you can tell me what I can and can't do?" Ethelind snorted haughtily, like a filly of the age of 8.
Trock broke eye contact and looked at his hooves. "I just think that it's suicidal. Even Hurricane and Blaze would agree."
Hurricane nodded in agreement as Blaze looked around anywhere but at Ethelind.
"Trock's right, Ethelind," Spade said, trotting up to Ethelind. "Following that monster would be suicide."
"Where's your sense of adventure??" Ethelind urged on.
"Ethelind, pull your head out of your ass. This isn't some fairytail adventure book where the warriors get shot with arrows and remain unscathed," Asshole Spade was back. "As far as I know, this shit is real. One trip on a fucking rock can kill a pony. Let's try not to think about some monster with fancy hair. Stop being such a fantasizing nerd and get back to reality."
Ethelind deflated completely, sitting down hard and hanging her head.
"Oh, Ethelind, don't be like that." Hurricane said softly, flying over to Ethelind. He landed and sat next to her.
"I just wanted to be something more than just some nerd or teacher's pet." Ethelind said hoarsely.
"You need to speak up." Sarcasm yelled obnoxiously, trotting noisily up to the pair. "You sound a little...."
Sarcasm stopped and looked around, biting his lower lip to stop himself from laughing, "...horse."
If it weren't for the panicking ponies running around and screaming, all the six would've heard were crickets.
Blaze walked up by Ethelind and shoved Sarcasm away, smacking the back of his head and glaring at him in the process.
"You're not a teacher's pet, Ethelind." Blaze said, shifting his glare from an embarrassed Sarcasm to an ashamed Spade.
"Look, I didn't mean it like that." Spade said, refusing to meet any of the stares. Even Hurricane was glaring.
"Well, what did you mean?" Ethelind asked with a pout on her face.
"Fucking crybabies," Spade muttered to herself before saying,"I'm just trying to make a point here."
"Your point could mean the end of our world!" Ethelind pointed out. "These ponies here don't seem like much help to us anyways. If we don't stop it, who will?"
"Damn, you whine a lot." Spade murmured quietly.
"What?!" Ethelind asked sharply.
"Ugh, nothing." Spade sighed, then rolled her eyes. "I'll go if it gets you to shut the fuck up."
"That's... good enough." Ethelind smirked.
She turned and began trotting off torwards the cloud.
Spade huffed and took flight. She turned and shrugged at the remaining four before flying off with Ethelind.
"Well?" Trock asked, beginning to follow. "What're y'all waiting for?"
Hurricane rolled his eyes and took flight, flying after Trock. Sarcasm's writing was still scribbled all over his back, causing the red unicorn to giggle as he followed them.
Blaze huffed. "Sometimes, I just wish you all fucking died." He muttered before following.
***
Soon, the six followed the cloud to the edge of Ponyville.
"Woah, woah, woah!" Trock halted the other five. "So we're just gonna run into there?" He gestured intensely towards the dark forest where the cloud ended.
"The Everfree Forest?" Spade asked. "I don't see why not."
"Gee, Spade, I wonder why?" Trock asked with an unhidden sarcastic tone."Well, Ethelind, you seem to know a lot about this shit. Please explain why this forest is bad?"
"Um... Wild animals?" Ethelind guessed. "I really never studied on this forest. I bought a book about it once as a filly. Cracked it open, and on the first page was a manticore."
Ethelind paused and looked at Hurricane. "A manticore as in an animal, not as a spiky dildo."
"Butt-plug." Spade corrected.
Hurricane just lowered his head in embarrassment.
"Anyways, needless to say, the image gave me nightmares. I never wanted to study it since then." Ethelind continued.
"Let me fill you in." Trock said.
"To begin with, there's manticores, cockatrices..."
Sarcasm snickered a little, and Blaze smacked the back of his head.
"...Sea monsters, dragons, cliffs, disease, and other undiscovered horrors." Trock continued.
"Sounds like a blast!" Spade said before trudging straight through the bushes.
"We're wasting moonlight, people!" She called from within the forest.
Sarcasm shrugged and followed.
Ethelind parted the bushed with her magic then followed as well. Blaze mooched off of Ethelind's trail, happy to be free of the itchy leaves.
Trock sighed and facehoofed.
"Why do I even try?" He muttered before following.
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 5: Bucking Morons. Literally.
Ethelind led the way through the dark forest, lighting up a trail with her magic. She pranced along, whistling to herself.
Hurricane flew up next to her, hovering at her side. "And what makes you so cheerful?" He asked.
"What isn't making me cheerful?" Ethelind answered Hurricane's question with another.
"Gee," Spade snorted as she trotted up next to Ethelind. "Some equine threatens anarchy, the world may end, we're stuck in a forest because of you, and Trock hasn't stopped complaining ever since we entered the forest. So you need to be more specific."
"My hooves are cold!" Came Trock's voice from behind the three.
"Suck it up." Blaze snapped.
"That's.... What he said." Sarcasm interjected.
Spade rolled her eyes as an audible smack came from behind them.
"I guess I'm cheerful because I got you to follow~" Ethelind sing songed before dancing away smugly.
"Whatever." Spade growled.
"Someone's grumpy." Hurricane poked at Spade.
"And someone's a faggot." She snapped back, kicking water from a dirty puddle at Hurricane.
"Agh!" Hurricane spat in disgust, landing and shaking himself free of water. "What the fuck, Spade?"
Spade smiled smugly and whipped the bottom of his chin with her tail before prancing off after Ethelind.
Hurricane muttered under his breath as he followed, dropping down next to Blaze.
"This night is lasting way longer than I wanted." Blaze commented, his head lowered in disdain.
"We just gotta find the thing-a-ma-jig and this night will be over." Sarcasm replied, levitating over a few stones to throw them around.
Suddenly, the ground shook and a chilling roar filled the air.
"Oh, great, now what?" Trock whined.
Spade and Ethelind came racing back, eyes wide and fur bristled.
"We fucked up! We fucked up! Oh how we fucked up!" Spade kept repeating as they ran.
"What, what is it?" Sarcasm asked when they arrived.
"Wild things... Book... Butt-plugs... Nightmares..." Ethelind spluttered, out of breath.
Sarcasm grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her, "Use your words, woman!"
"Manticore!" Ethelind yelled as a large creature emerged from within the trees.
It had the body of a lion, but the long, stinging tail of a scorpion. Two long fangs hung from its mouth as it roared.
"Whelp, we're fucked." Blaze said.
"Well, wait a minute, maybe it's-"
"Kill it!" Trock screamed like a filly before grasping a strong branch in his jaws and ran after it.
The beast swung its tail around, smacking Trock and making him fly back.
"Trock used stupidity. It's not very effective." Hurricane muttered.
Meanwhile, whilst Trock distracted the beast, Spade managed to creep up behind it, a rock on her back, secured with her wings.
The manticore approached Trock, its teeth showing violently.
Spade pushed the rock off of her back and lugged it into the air.
The manticore raised its claws in a death strike, snarling in excitement as Trock cowered before it.
Spade dropped the rock onto the beasts head, and it fell like a sack of potatoes.
"Well, you four are as useless as Sarcasm." Spade commented.
"Let's go!" Ethelind commanded before racing off deeper into the forest.
"How did y'all find that thing?" Hurricane asked Spade as they followed.
Spade rolled her eyes and sighed. "Ethelind found a hollow in the tree roots of a dying oak. She saw the lump of fur, and started freaking out, thinking cannibals live in this forest.
"So I poked at it to get her to shut the fuck up, trying to prove it was still alive. Why I poked at it of all things? The world may never know."
"Yo, man, these are some freaky ass looking trees." Sarcasm commented as they walked through a clearing of dead oaks.
"Probably 'cause of the faces?" Blaze murmured softly back, as if trying not to disturb the trees.
Sure enough, each tree held a freaky looking face, with splintered teeth and angry eyes.
Ethelind was walking back to the group, her fur ruffled up. "I don't like the looks of these trees." She whispered to no one in particular.
The trees seemed to crowd the path slowly, soon making it impossible to.continue.
"That's when you..." Blaze said as he trotted up to one. "...buck its fucking face around."
He reared around and smashed his back hooves into the tree, cracking the splintered teeth and disfiguring the face.
"Well, shit." Sarcasm said as he tried, doing the exact same thing.
Soon Spade and Hurricane followed with enthusiasm.
"I ain't doing that shit." Trock said as he and Ethelind watched the four kick away like morons. "Y'know you can just clear 'em with your magic, right?"
"I know, but this is more fun." Ethelind smiled as they watched the show.
***
Soon, while tired and exhausted, the four stopped bucking and stared menacingly at the trees.
"You motherfuckers." Hurricane growled at them.
"Okay, guys, it's been really fun, but we're wasting moonlight." Ethelind rubbed her hooves together and smiled as she started up her magic.
Blaze, Hurricane, Sarcasm, and Spade all watched with awe and anger as Ethelind easily cleared the trees away.
"Coltdammit, you can do this the whole time?!" Blaze shouted at her. "You're more of an asshole than Spade!"
"Woah, not possible." Spade spoke up. "But I did teach her everything she knows."
"Can we go?" Trock gestured at the now cleared trail. "We are wasting a lot of time."
"Whatever." Blaze muttered as he stomped away, taking the lead and insulting Ethelind under his breath.
Soon, they arrived at a choppy river. The water flowed different directions, creating an undertow. Stepping stones were nowhere in sight.
"Whelp, later losers." Hurricane said as he took flight and began to make is way across.
A purple reptilian tail of some sorts whacked at Hurricane, throwing him back roughly to the shore. No one bothered to help him.
"I know you're my friend and all, but I wanted to see you fail." Sarcasm said down to a dazed Hurricane.
"The fuck is that?" Trock asked as he pointed to a large thing in the center of the river. It had purple reptilian scales and a thick, golden mustache.
"A sea monster, Trock." Ethelind replied, staring up at the tall beast.
Half of its mustache was missing, which might've explained why it was in distress.
"Oh, and who are you?" He said in a really fabulous sounding voice.
"Dayum, this bitch's got more class than Trock, and he has a tie." Spade commented.
"We are just a mere six ponies, looking for the so called Nightmare Moon, the one who left a trail over your river." Ethelind said humbly up to it.
"Oh, that's the thing that sliced my beautiful 'stache!!" the monster cried in distress as the water turned more choppier.
"C'mere." Sarcasm called to it, waving it down. "C'mere."
The monster leaned down, still sniveling, and listen in as Sarcasm whispered, "Suck it up."
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sarcasm shot out with strong levitation, smashing the monster's head to the ground and holding it there firmly.
"Go now!" Sarcasm yelled through teeth gritted in effort.
The five raced onto the neck of the monster, using it's body as a bridge.
It struggled to escape Sarcasm's grip, which was failing.
The five finally made it to the other side when Sarcasm's magic snapped and he fell backwards.
The sea monster roared at him, raising his claws to smash him into a pulp.
Sarcasm braced himself, too tired to move.
Ethelind, using her very advanced magic, wrapped Sarcasm around with a magical aura, and teleported him over to where they were standing.
"Oh damn, teleportation makes me sick." Sarcasm said heavily, on the verge of vomiting.
They galloped away, Ethelind still levitating Sarcasm, while the monster's claws slamming down on empty ground.
They reached the safe canopy of trees, and settled down to rest for a while.
Sarcasm puked, tears streaming from his eyes as Ethelind put him down.
"Just let this night be over already!" Sarcasm wailed miserably.
They have no idea...
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 6: Picking on One Another Is Fun.
The six walked a bit slower this time, letting Sarcasm take it a bit easy.
"I don't need no fucking help!" Sarcasm would protest, refusing to admit he was hurting.
Soon, all six swayed on their hooves.
" Great idea Ethelind." Trock muttered.
"Trock, please, don't complain right now. I know it was a stupid decision. " Ethelind murmured back. "I'm just seriously in no mood for lecturing right now."
She walked with her head low enough that she never saw the cliff edge before it was too late.
"Oh, crap!" She gasped as she lost her step and fell over the edge.
"Ethelind!" Trock yelled before reaching forwards. He managed to grasp Ethelind's hoof, and now Ethelind dangled over the edge, only one hoof grasped by Trock as her only support.
Sarcasm and Spade rushed to Trock's side, and each reached down for Ethelind.
Trock looked down for a moment, and snickered.
"Let go." He said to Sarcasm and Spade.
Sarcasm looked at Trock skeptically.
"What? Why should we-" Spade began before Trock nudged her and motioned to something under Ethelind.
"Ohhh..." Spade smirked.
"Agh! Don't you guys dare!" Ethelind wailed, kicked around wildly. "What is it?" She said as she tried to twist her neck to see what it was.
When she looked away, Spade nodded to Sarcasm and all three let go.
"What the fuuuuuuu~!"came Ethelind's voice as she fell down the cliff.
Hurricane, who was already waiting to catch her, intercepted Ethelind in mid-air.
" ~uuudge!" Ethelind finished as she lay in Hurricane's grip.
Hurricane looked away from her as he flushed a bright pink before setting her down on the ground.
"Oh Ethelind, refusing to curse even when sure death is upon you." Spade said as she flew down to meet the others.
Ethelind was shaking, still shocked about her fall. "Wh....what the fricker frack???!" She stammered.
"Just though Hurricane might want to carry ya." Spade replied, landing and looking around.
"Uh... Where's Blaze?" Hurricane said, changing the subject quickly.
Something fell with a heavy thump into the bush next to him, along with a loud, "Son of a bitch!"
"Found him." Trock said as he helped Sarcasm down the cliff.
Hurricane hovered over to the bush and looked over. Blaze lay sprawled in the bush, his arms tangled around the branches. "A little help?" He asked Hurricane sharply.
"It's funner to see you suffer." Hurricane smirked down at him.
"You little fuckdamn dickhead!" Blaze snapped furiously at Hurricane, wriggling violently in the bush.
"Funner isn't a word." Ethelind said from behind Hurricane. "Help me get him out so we can get this night over with."
Hurricane rolled his eyes as Ethelind used her magic to break the branches tangling Blaze's arms. Hurricane then heaved the angry earth pony out of the bush.
Blaze's fohawk now hung over his eyes. "You asshole." He said as he punched Hurricane roughly in the arm.
"At least the terrain is clear." Trock pointed out.
"For now. Across that trench looks like some sort of building." Sarcasm murmured.
Sure enough, a large, old castle loomed in the distance. "Maybe we can rest there for tonight and find a way out of here tomorrow. Fuck that creature." Spade said, starting towards the building.
Hurricane, Blaze, Trock, and Sarcasm all waited for Ethelind to object and insist they move forwards.
But, even Ethelind nodded her head in defeated agreement and followed Spade.
"That's the first." Hurricane said as he took flight and followed.
Eventually, they reached the deep trench Spade mentioned earlier. Sarcasm looked over the edge. "It's, like, bottomless." He reported.
"So's your mom." Trock sniggered quietly behind Blaze.
Sarcasm spat into the trench and leaned forwards the trench, straining to.listen.
"Dayum, I never heard it drop." He said.
"Look over here!" Hurricane motioned.over to a broken bridge.
"I really don't feel like luggin' y'all across one by one, and both Ethelind and Sarcasm are too exhausted to even try levitation. So if you want to carry all of us over, be my guest." Spade muttered matter-of-factly.
"Well, if I can find the other side of the bridge and bring it over to the other side, I'm pretty sure I could secure it and you guys can walk across." Hurricane said, and looked over the edge.
"Then do it. There's no need to narrate your pathetic excuse of a life." Blaze snapped.
"It can't be far." Hurricane murmured thoughtfully as he leaned over the edge more to try and get a better view.
"Achoo." Spade said sarcastically as she shoved Hurricane as hard as she could.
"Fuck!" He yelled as he went over the edge.
He fell for a good five seconds before Blaze yelled down, "Use your wings, moron!"
Hurricane blushed and snapped his wings open. "I knew that!" He called back up indignantly.
"How is it down there?" Ethelind called down.
"You guys can't see?" Hurricane called back.
"No, the trench is so deep fog covered you up." Spade yelled then added, "Damn, it was thick enough to cover up your ego!"
Hurricane rolled his eyes as he found the other side of the bridge.
He grabbed the broken post in his teeth and lifted it up, the bridge creaking as he moved it in what seemed like the first time in a century.
It hurt his teeth, of course, but he didn't care.
"Oh, look, he actually did it." Came Trock's voice. "I thought he was a fuck up."
Hurricane landed on the other side and began tying the post on, making sure it was secure enough.
"Oh, he's a fuck up. Carrying a bridge don't change that." Replied Spade's voice.
Hurricane was about to make a sharp reply when a new voice came out from the woods.
"You're not a fuck-up, Hurricane." Said a mare's voice.
From within the woods, out stepped a pegasus mare. She was dressed in a type of Wonderbolt's barding. Only it was... Darker.
She was flanked by two other stallions, dressed in the same attire.
"Woah... What?" Hurricane asked, backing away from them.
"We're the Shadowbolts." The mare replied. "My name is-"
"So, you're like, what, a bunch of cheap knock-offs of the Wonderbolts?" Came Trock's voice.
Hurricane turned to see the five already crossing, Trock in lead.
"No, we're even better." The Shadowbolt replied, smiling.
"How so?" Trock asked back.
"Hey, dude, this is my conversation. Back off." Hurricane snapped. Then he turned back. "Okay but seriously how are you better."
"Well... uh...." She stammered, looking to one nervous comrade to the other.
"We look pretty?" The left stallion said.
"Adorable. Now can we go?" Ethelind said from behind Hurricane.
Hurricane jumped and looked around at Ethelind.
"Dayum, girl, you gotta stop jumping out at ponies." Spade said as she walked by. "You nearly gave me a heart attack and now you almost gave Hurricane a wing boner."
"Wait, what?!" Hurricane and Ethelind said in perfect unison.
"It doesn't matter, can we go?" Trock asked and motioned where the Shadowbolts were. "The pretty princesses are gone, and the castle is only a few yards away."
"I actually agree with Trock for once." Blaze said next. "Let's just leave Sarcasm behind and book it."
"Shove a cactus up your ass, buddy." Sarcasm snapped as he walked past Blaze.
"Pretty sure that's Hurricane's job." Spade smirked.
"Fuck you." Hurricane muttered.
"By anyone but you, sweetheart." Spade said as she walked by.
"But save it for a certain Germaneigh pony." She whispered as she passed by him.
"You asshole!" Hurricane yelled at her.
"Can we please just fucking go?!" Blaze yelled at all of them loudly.
"About 50 steps ahead of you." Sarcasm called from somewhere by the building.
They all finally arrives by the old structure. It looked to be a castle on it's last legs, iffy to collapse any moment.
"It's a roof over our heads, so fuck it. If a stone slab falls on me and crushes me while I'm sleeping, please burn my house down. Momma would be so ashamed to find all my porn." Sarcasm said as he walked inside.
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 7: Finding the Elements
Their hooves clacked on the cement surface, echoing through the castle.
Spade walked on the opposite side of the group from Hurricane, both looking around and scouting the area.
"How's Sarcasm doing?" Ethelind asked Trock.
"I'm doing fine! Don't need no babysitter checkin' up on me." Sarcasm objected.
Ethelind opened her mouth to correct Sarcasm's grammer, but Trock nudged her and shook his head.
"It seems pretty stable." Hurricane said as he hovered next to Ethelind.
"Yeah, I really don't see any downside here." Spade said.
The castle was massive, vines covering the walls and weeds poking up through the floor.
They entered a large wooden doorway, the room inside twice as massive.
At the far side of the wall sat some sort of stone pedastal, five branches extending from it.
"That's just bizarre." Ethelind whispered, pointing to five stones that resided at the ends of the branches.
"Check it out, they got some sorta gems.inside of them!" Trock pointed out. "If we take 'em back with us, we'll be fucking rich!"
Ethelind levitated each stone down, her exhaustion forgotten with curiosity.
"Wait, are you sure they ain't some sort of demon pieces of an unholy plot?" Hurricane asked suspiciously.
"Nope!" Spade grinned as she grabbed one between her hooves. She turned it over a few times, evaluating it. "How d'you think we open them?"
"Try smackin' it against something hard." Sarcasm suggested.
"Like your head." Spade muttered to herself as she lifted it and tried to smash it against the ground. Suddenly a blue aura surround the stones, keeping Spade from succeeding. It began to spin the stones around like a tornado.
"What's happening?" Ethelind yelled to Spade, who shrugged, trying not to be swept away in the tornado.
All six were in the eye of the storm, crouched down.
Then, all were teleported across the castle.
In a new room, they were all flung in different directions as an equine took shape in the center.
"Son of a bitch!" Spade yelled as she hit a fallen column, one sharp stone sticking out stabbing into her leg.
Ethelind gasped when the creature took shape, laughing maniacally.
"Nightmare Moon!" Ethelind yelled at her.
Nightmare Moon smiled at the white unicorn, then reared up on her hind legs and smashed each one of the stones.
"Thy Elements are no more!" She declared, kicking the shards aside as if all they were was garbage.
"Well, shit." Trock said, a little disappointedly. "That's a bummer."
"Were these supposed to be special or something?" Sarcasm asked, unsure, as he got up from the corner he was flung to.
Even Nightmare Moon looked unsure.
"Thy ponies seriously aren't affected by this?" She asked.
"Other than our dreams of wealth being crushed, I really don't see why we need to be all hurt." Trock replied.
"But thy Elements..." Nightmare Moon began.
"Hold up, Elements? If they're so special, then what the fuck are they?" Hurricane asked as he got up.
"It doesn't matter anymore!" Nightmare Moon grinned, her earlier hesitation forgotten. "You six are just getting in our way. Now that thy Elements are destroyed, we don't need to worry about thou weaklings stopping us!"
"Rude." Trock huffed, rolling his eyes.
"We'll just destroy thou!" Nightmare Moon declared, charging up her magic.
She pointed her horn at the nearest.one, which was Ethelind.
"No, Ethelind!" Hurricane shouted as he ran her way.
Nightmare Moon shot at Ethelind. The white unicorn stood into a stance, shooting a bolt of her own magic at the equine.
The two bolts hit, deflecting one another. One hit the roof above Nightmare Moon's head, while the other the roof above Ethelind's head.
Another stone, embedded in the ceiling above Ethelind, was shaken loose, falling towards her.
"Thank Celestia you're alright!" Hurricane panted as he finally arrived.
The stone came crashing down onto his head.
"Oh, damn!" Sarcasm said as Hurricane collapsed. The stone also broke into pieces as the other five.
Suddenly, the shards began to tremble.
Nightmare Moon charged up her magic again, a sick smile on her face as she got ready to fire again.
The shards began to float rather quickly around the six. Nightmare Moon's magic faltered as she what was happening.
"What's going on?" Spade asked as she limped over to where they regrouped.
"Don't ask me, I don't frackin' know." Trock replied.
The shards split into six groups, each encircling each pony.
"This isn't normal!" Sarcasm shouted as all six began to lift off the ground.
The shards began to tighten around their necks.
Hurricane hung limply, still unconscious from earlier.
"No, this isn't possible!" Nightmare Moon cried, backing away.
The shards melted into thick, gold necklaces around each pony's neck. The charm in the center shifted into the cutie marks of each pony; a red ruby bowtie for Trock, a black sapphire spade for Spade, a pair of emerald headphones with a heartbeat in the center for Hurricane, an orange diamond fireball for Blaze, and red ruby game controller for Sarcasm.
For Ethelind, who resided in the center, the shards melted into a golden crown. A white-cut diamond shaped as an open book lay at the top, representing Ethelind's own cutie mark.
"I don't like this!" Spade shouted. Hurricane began to come to. His eyes widened as he saw he was descended above the floor.
"What is this?!" He shouted to an equally frightened Trock, who shrugged.
A bright fiery aura surrounded the six, and at the top a rainbow, colors like the fur on the ponies, (quite an ugly rainbow), poured out from the top.
"Who art thou?" Nightmare Moon shouted at them.
"I don't know anymore!" Ethelind cried back.
Nightmare Moon staggered back as the rainbow aimed for her.
"No!" She yelled ruefully as she was wrapped in the rainbow. She fell to the ground, her outer skin chipping away and her helmet smashing to pieces.
She lit up in a bright light as Nightmare Moon seemed to disappear, leaving just a broken looking blue alicorn.
When it ended, the six were levitated slowly back to the ground.
"What the fuck just happened?!" Spade asked hysterically.
"And what the fuck are these?!" Trock grabbed the necklace around his neck and held it up.
Ethelind grabbed the crown off of her head and stared at the diamond in the center. "Nightmare Moon said something about the Elements. I think we just found that something." She whispered.
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 8: 'Till death do us apart.
"So, what exactly are the Elements?" Spade asked, fiddling with her own golden collar.
For once, Ethelind looked as if she had no solution. "I have no clue." She whispered, "but I have a feeling it's not for us."
"The sun's rising!" Hurricane pointed out, motioning towards the dusty, cracked window. The sun was rising over the mountains, casting Equestria in a shimmering yellow glow.
"But I thought Celestia could only raise the sun," Ethelind mused aloud, one hoof under her chin as she watched the sunrise intensely. "If she's not here, then who is-"
Ethelind was quickly cut off as the sun rays exploded a bright yellow light through the cracked window Hurricane pointed out of earlier.
Trock shielded his eyes, and watched as the light bent through lidded eyes.
"It's Celestia!" he shouted over to the others.
The light cleared, leaving the princess standing in all of her glory, her hair drifting in rainbow colors everywhere.
"Congratulations Twilight Sparkle!" boomed the princess, staring down at Ethelind with brilliant violet eyes.
The white unicorn shrunk beneath the princess shyly, her ears presses firmly against her head. "Wh-what?" She stuttered.
"Wait a minute..." Princess Celestia said, taking a closer look by picking Ethelind up with her levitation, examining her all around.
"You're not my student!" The princess gasped as she dropped Ethelind, the white unicorn landing on top of Spade.
"Fuckdammit!" Spade snapped, brought to the ground by the sudden surprise. "Get off!"
"Where's Twilight Sparkle!" Princess Celestia picked up the nearest of the ponies, which was Blaze, and shook him fiercely.
"Get your fucking levitation off of me!" Blaze yelled in the Princess's face as she brought him nose to nose with her.
Blaze raised his hoof and struck her, making her drop him in surprise.
"That's it!" Celestia yelled as she cast a spell over Blaze. Seconds later, the angry earth pony vanished.
"Blaze!" The remaining five yelled.
"Where is Blaze!?" Hurricane yelled accusingly at Celestia.
"I sent that nuisance to the moon!" Celestia said primly.
"Well, bring him back!" Sarcasm yelled at her.
"Are you sure we want him back though?" Spade asked them.
"Spade!" Ethelind snapped. "Of course we want him back!"
"Well, I mean-"
"Spade!!" All four yelled at her.
"What makes you think I'll bring him back anyways?" Celestia asked the ponies.
"He's still wearing that Element." Ethelind pointed out smugly.
Princess Celestia opened her mouth to say something, then shut it ruefully, charging up her magic while muttering under her breath.
Blaze popped back into the room, landing on top of Spade.
"Fucking why!?" Spade shouted, shoving him off of her.
Blaze just tumbled off, his eyes wide and distant, fur ruffled. "So cold... so cold..." he whispered, hugging hinself.
"Who's Twilight Sparkle anyways?" Trock asked, ignoring the traumatized Blaze.
"I am." Came a defiant voice from the other side of the room.
They all turned to see a purple unicorn with darker purple eyes and a straight purple mane with a light line going through it.
Sarcasm's face lighted up in slight delight whilst Twilight's face crinkled in immediate disappointment as they both saw each other.
"You?!" They both said in perfect unison, though one was slightly more disappointed than the other.
"Sarcasm, you know her?" Ethelind asked.
Sarcasm nodded, "Yeah, she sat next to me at the celebration."
"I'm surprised you remembered that, considering you being such a drunk and everything." Twilight retorted, obviously showing her disdain for Sarcasm.
Five different ponies walked up behind Twilight, scowling at the six.
"Twilight!" Celestia gasped with relief as she flew over to the purple unicorn and embracing her in a hug.
"My teacher, I'm afraid the Elements have been stolen." Twilight said obviously.
"I'm just glad you're alright!" Celestia murmured to Twilight.
"Ha, gay!" Trock yelled through cupped hooves. Since Blaze was out of it, Sarcasm smacked Trock's head for him.
"Hey, Hurricane." Spade beckoned the red pegasus over.
"Is that who I think it is?" She whispered to Hurricane as he arrived. Spade motioned over to a yellow pegasus who hid behind Twilight's group shyly, her long pink mane covering her blue eyes.
"Duuuuude, I think it's that pussy from flight school!" Hurricane whispered to Spade.
"Those Elements are not meant for ponies like you!" Twilight snapped, marching over and poking Ethelind harshly in the chest.
"You're acting like we wanted to find them in the first place!" Ethelind retorted, using her levitation to shove Twilight back. "If we could give them back, we would!"
"Well then, hand them over!" Twilight demanded, holding her hoof over expectantly.
"So demanding." Trock whimpered sarcastically like a mare with hardcore hormones as he picked at the clasp that strapped the necklace on.
"It's impossible." Murmured a quiet voice from the far side of the room.
It came from the alicorn that once was the fearless Nightmare Moon, now she was just as young looking as a filly.
"Luna!" Celestia cried, flying over and hugging the recently forgotten monster.
"Wait, can someone tell us what the fuck is going on?" Blaze snapped, his moon daze forgotten. "What are the elements, who's this bitch," he pointed at Twilight, "and who the fuck is Luna?!"
The blue alicorn looked up at Celestia, as if expecting her not to take that kind of shit from Blaze.
Much to her surprise, the princess sighed and spoke up, "The Elements of Harmony are special gems that can recreate the power of an alicorn ten-fold. That female dog you referred to is my Student Twilight Sparkle." The purple unicorn beamed with pride as Celestia continued, "I knew Nightmare Moon was returning tonite, so I set up a secret task for Twilight, one she didn't even suspect. Nightmare Moon was... is... my sister Princess Luna."
"Oh, so you're like, an incestial couple." Trock jutted in.
"What in fuck's name- wait, is that even a word?" Spade began, and ended up asking the closest pony next to her, which was Sarcasm.
He shrugged for a second, "I honestly have no clue."
They all looked at the Walking Dictionary.
"I honestly don't want to even think about what it would mean if it was a real word. So no, I'm not going to look it up." Ethelind responded, shrugging.
Celestia stared for a second, slight disgust printed in her expression.
She cleared her throat, "Um, no. I do not romanticize my sister."
"Wait, so does this mean I fail?" Twilight asks, looking horribly worried, wearing the same expression Ethelind uses when she miscalculates the total of her grocery bill by a quarter without a calculator.
"Not unless you can recover the Elements for you and your-eh... group of friends."
"Art thou deaf? We just said it's impossible." Luna spoke up sharply. "Thy Elements have already imprinted on thou five fools! Once thy gem takes shape as thy marks of talent, thy Elements remain with thou pony 'till death do thy apart."
"So does this mean I fail?" Twilight whimpered.
"Glad to see she has her priorities straight." Spade whispered to Hurricane.
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The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 9: Let's just fight like idiots pt. 1
"What do you mean they've 'imprinted' on us?" Ethelind stepped forward, confronting a pissed-off-looking Luna.
"Look at thy gem that lays adorned to thou neck pieces. Thy elements have connected to thou hearts, forming into the art of thy talent." Luna replied slowly as if Ethelind only understood her if she talked like so.
"They do what now? All I heard was fancy B.C.E. shit only the Britmane speak." Sarcasm butted in obnoxiously.
"She means the elements themselves, which are the gems, have imprinted on your hearts, connecting themselves straight to your soul. They show that by forming into your art of talent, also known as your cutie mark." Princess Celestia explained just as slowly as her sister earlier.
"Sweet now I got a gem booty mark-"
"Cutie mark." Ethelind corrected Sarcasm.
"Whatever." Sarcasm rolled his eyes.
"Wait so you're telling me the fate and power of Equestria lies in the hooves of six ponies that probably don't know their asses from a hole in the ground?" One of Twilight Sparkle's group, a cyan blue pegasus with striking ruby eyes and a bright rainbow mane, asked as she hovered in the air.
"Rainbow Dash how rude of you to say that!" A white unicorn with dark blue eyes and a curled purple mane scolded Rainbow Dash like a filly. She actually had an accent, making it sound like, 'Rainbow Dawsh how rewd of you to say thawt!'
"Well Ah don't know about you, Rarity, but Ah kinda 'ave ta agree." An orange earth pony with emerald eyes and a Stetson perched atop her blonde pony-tailed (how ironic) mane spoke up next to her.
"Well seems like one pony in this group has sense." Rainbow Dash stuck her tongue out at Rarity and nodded towards the earth pony. "Thank you, Applejack."
"Actually, I find it quite rude of you to say that about us." Spade finally spoke up, tired of their insults. "As for you, Rainbow Bitch, you should know about my education, considering you were in the same flight class as Hurricane and I."
"The fuck you doin' don't bring me into this!" Hurricane whispered fiercely. Spade paid no attention to him, all her fucks long gone.
"What did you just call me?" Rainbow Dash straightened her flying stance, flying low and coming nose to nose with Spade.
"Are you fucking deaf?" Spade asked with a cold edge to her voice.
"Do you think we should do something?" Ethelind asked Trock.
Trock just shook his head and smiled, "l'd rather enjoy the show. Two mares fighting each other? This might just end up as hot gay sex."
"Okay I'm gonna stop them." Ethelind sighed, disgusted with Trock's philosophy.
"Okay hold on guys." Twilight got in between Spade and Rainbow Dash, shoving them both gently away from each other.
"Get your motherfucking AIDs ridden hoof off my chest!" Spade snapped and slapped Twilight's hoof away.
"Hey!" Rainbow Dash shouted down at Spade from where she was flying, "You don't get to talk to my friends like that!"
"Fuck you in the ass with a spiky cactus shoved up your bleeding cu-" Spade never got to finished as Rainbow Dash bolted down from her spot and tackled Spade right on, a loud crack echoing through the air.
Spade lay winded as Rainbow Dash held her down with one hoof, raising the other to strike the brown pegasus.
Hurricane tackled Rainbow off of Spade, obviously excited for a fight. What masochist wouldn't want the chance to get the shit beat out of them?
It was on now.
"Hey git off'a Rainbow!" Applejack curdled in her thick accent as she raced towards the wresting pair.
"Aw hell no!" Trock yelled as he raced towards the orange pony, intercepting her in a tackle before she could reach Rainbow Dash and Hurricane.
One thing Trock didn't know was Applejack was a farm pony.
She was also an applebucker. Trock would've laughed at the phrase before he got bucked straight in the stomach with two powerful hindlegs.
The blow knocked his fez off, the cone shaped hat crushed underneath Applejack as she approached him.
Ethelind was at Spade's side, trying to mend the broken ribs in the pegasus's chest when a massive rock landed on Spade's forearm, barely missing Ethelind.
Spade lurched upwards with a scream, "What the cocksucking fuck is up with fucking shit landing on me today?!"
"That's what she-oof!" Was all Trock got out before Applejack punched him in the stomach.
Meanwhile Rainbow Dash and Hurricane were locked in a fist fight, the red pegasus enjoying himself. Rainbow Dash popped Hurricane right in his left eye, knocking away a red contact lense, revealing an emerald green eye underneath.
"Oh baby do that again!" Hurricane laughed lustfully, Rainbow's fist hovering behind her as she hesitated in disgusted confusion.
Too late, she realized, as Sarcasm tackled her from behind, pinning the screeching pegasus down with one forearm pinned behind her back. He struggled to hold her down, but after his four years of highschool hoofball, he managed to control it.
He was then shot with a magical aura from behind, knocking him off of the cursing cyan pegasus.
"What the hell? I feel funny." Sarcasm mumbled as he sat on the ground, looking nauseous. Rainbow Dash reared up with a buck, an evil glint in her eyes and a wicked smile printed on her face.
Hurricane pushed her over before she could unload the kick and stomped her in the stomach, the air getting knocked from her instantly.
"Nobody fucks with my buddies!" He shouted into her face, a sadistic smile lighting up his face.
Meanwhile Sarcasm sat, confused, something not right. Like he was missing something. He tried to pinpoint where the blast came from.
He looked at Twilight, who was locked in a magical combat with Ethelind after dropping a boulder on Spade.
Not her? Then who...
"I'm terribly sorry, but I must take the side of my pupil." He heard an evil but all so familiar voice sound in his ear.
Oh my dear Goddess it felt like he was high on marijuana. Only not as pleasant.
Everything felt... lighter. He stared down at his hooves. Funny, he always remembered them as red. Why were they white as snow?
Sarcasm could hardly think with all the black hair flowing into his face. Wait, black hair?
He always thought he had blond hair. He giggled at his thinking. Oh man did being this high feel good. He should ask Ethelind to learn whatever spell this was so he could feel like this without the risk of illegal possession of weed.
He rubbed his black mane and felt it smooth over his head. He could've sworn there was a horn there. Oh well, he must've been pretty high. He stretched his sore wings out for a second and- wait, wings? Since when did he have wings?
Whatever affect the spell had on him began to wear off as he immediately realized what was happening.
He stood up and screamed as loud as he could.
"Enjoy your new body!" Celestia's voice laughed into his ear as he panicked, trying to piece together what the fuck just happened.
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The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 9 (NEIN): The other part to the other chapter 9 (NEIN).
Sarcasm tackled Celestia, fire of anger flaring in his eyes are he held Celestia down. "What did you do to me you bitch?!" He shouted into her face, struggling to strangle her.
What Sarcasm didn't know, or realize at the time, was that he was trying to hold down Princess Celestia. The pony with power to raise the sun and banish assholes to the motherfucking moon.
She just simply levitated Sarcasm off of her, who hung struggling in the air. "Ugh, let me go you stupid cunt!"
Princess Celestia simply flung Sarcasm away. But considering she raises an orb in the sky that weighs ten times more than four trillion pounds, the power behind the throw broke half of Sarcasm's ribcage as he painfully hit a thick marble pillar. He collapsed to the ground like a sack of potatoes.
Meanwhile, Hurricane and Rainbow Dash were locked in a wrestle, Rainbow Dash winning slightly. Didn't matter because with each hit, Hurricane looked happier and happier. "Keep hitting me, you dirty little bitch!" Hurricane cried out in intense pleasure, only fueling to the cyan pegasus's confusion.
Spade was struggling to get up; Rainbow Dash's kick cracked about two of her ribs.
"I'm gonna fucking rip your tits off..." she growled to herself, watching the offender trying to beat Hurricane. The only thing willing her on was her rage. She got into a standing position, slightly cooped over in pain. The anger smoldering inside her caused her to use all of her strength, ignoring the pain in her arm and ribs.
Rainbow Dash had her attention directed towards Hurricane when Spade flew at her with fast speed, using both forehooves to punch into her back. "Oh, dang!" Hurricane commented as a loud crack snapped from the cyan pegasus's back.
Rainbow Dash didn't seem to move as Hurricane drove his hoof into the back of her neck, holding her there, both ponies holding her down with incredible and unneeded force.
The only pony not fighting was the yellow, shy pegasus who tried hiding behind a fallen pillar.
Even the sophisticated white unicorn, Rarity, was locked in combat with Blaze. She was obviously losing as Blaze held her in a headlock, bashing on her horn with his hooves.
"Staaawp!" She cried, "I'm getting swe-he-tyyy!!"
Even the blood dripping from a crack in her horn didn't stop her from complaining about the strenuous activity.
"What about this?" Blaze growled as he ripped a piece of purple hair from her head.
"No, my gorgeous mane!" She cried.
Twilight, who was busy shooting explosive magical shit at Ethelind, turned away to the sound of her friend in need.
"Get off of her, you pig!" She snapped as she shot Blaze square between the eyes with a magic bolt. Immediately, Blaze fell away, grasping his head in a grimace.
Ethelind shot away a patch of fur on Twilight's back, and their duel was back on.
Sarcasm was still trying to beat Celestia, and was failing miserably. The white alicorn was dancing circles around the newly formed pegasus.
"Oh, poor dear." The princess seemed to hum. "You're just making a mistake."
"I'm gonna stab you!" Sarcasm threatened as he fought to get at least one blow in.
"You're just toying with him now, you bitch!" Trock yelled as he broke away from his fight with Applejack, which was looking more like a defeat.
He ran towards them to help his buddy, and Applejack pursued, "Y'all don't get 'taway frum ol' A.J.!" She drawled, grasping his flying tail in her jaws.
"Rape!" Trock squealed as the orange pony dragged him kicking and screaming.
He landed a kick on her nose and she released him as blood flew from her nose.
The yellow pegasus was helping the fallen alicorn back up, leaning on her shoulder.
"Everypony, knock it off!" A voice, louder than the loudest Rainboom, more powerful than a manticore's roar, crackled through the air.
The Canterlot Voice halted the battling ponies in their tracks, hooves raised in distrust their opponents will turn, ready to strike.
"What is the matter with you?!" The voice came from Luna, standing tall with the yellow pegasus grasping her ears, her eyes shut and mouth open in a soundless wail.
"Thy dear sister, how dare thou takes into art own selfish deeds. Thou art better than this!" Her voice may have lowered a few intervals, but still cracked strong and clear.
"As much as your words make me look like a tyrant, I must always side with the pony who has remained loyal to me throughout their whole lives." Princess Celestia pointed out with an edge to her voice, as if suggesting something.
"We know we may have made... mistakes in the past, but we are ready to change for thy better." Luna replied solemnly, her voice finally going back to normal.
"So what're we gon' do?" Came a gargled reply from Applejack as she held her bleeding nose.
"The fuck happened to you?" Blaze asked, scooting away from the orange pony to avoid getting nosebleed on him.
Trock backed away slowly, trying to grin innocently but failing miserably.
"Well, the Elements have obviously fallen into the hooves of the wrong ponies. Now they're stuck with them." Twilight summarized. Spade opened her mouth to make a witty remark about how fucking obvious she was when Hurricane elbowed her in the ribs, suggesting that now wasn't the time.
"Um, guys?" A familiar voice, just a little more groggy, spoke up. "I, uh, acquire your assistance."
"Dammit Sarcasm we don't care about your sh-" Spade cut herself off as not only her, but the other ponies all gasped as they glanced at the red unicorn.
Or at least he WAS a red unicorn about ten minutes ago. Before them stood a white pegasus with long, black hair. His eyes held a bright green, just a little brighter than Spade's bitchy cold emeralds.
"Ha, fucking blank flank." Blaze snorted immediately, pointing out the bare white thigh.
"Sh-shut up you asshole I didn't ask for this!" Blaze snapped, trying to cover his flank with his wings.
Because he only just got them, he had no idea how to use them. They just slumped limply onto the ground.
"It was all her fault! The fucking bitch ripped me of myself!" Sarcasm pointed an accusing hoof at Celestia, who sat there looking rather proud of herself.
"Your Element doesn't even have a shape anymore." Ethelind pointed out the shapeless, smooth stone embedded on Sarcasm's neck.
"What the hell did you do to me?" Sarcasm shouted at Celestia. The white alicorn grit her teeth in a smile, not a friendly one either. More like one that would rather tell Sarcasm to go fornicate himself with a cactus than to show happiness.
"I used a self-restoration spell on you, enhancing the genes in your father's chromosomes, or your mother's chromosomes, which ever one you took after." The princess explained, walking to stand defensively behind the other six ponies.
"Dear goddess I look like my father!" Sarcasm wailed miserably, trying to rub the white from him in hopes it will rub to red.
"Not like your unicorn powers did you any good. You only used it-"
"To be a fucking stoney baloney." Blaze finished Ethelind's sentence.
"True." Trock agreed.
"I don't want to be a pegasus!" Sarcasm shouted, trying to shake the wings off his back.
"It's not that bad, fag, get used to it and shut your mouth." Spade snapped, holding her busted chest in her arms. "Some of us here are actually in real pain."
"I agree with Spade. Plus watching your suffering is really gettin' me goin'." Hurricane pointed out, smirking.
"Ew." Twilight wrinkled her nose at Hurricane's comment.
"Look, if you want the fucking Elements then you can have them." Blaze snorted, snatching the chest piece from his neck and throwing it at the hooves of the other posse, the fireball glimmering with smooth ruby.
"Did thou not pay attention? Thy Harmonic pieces have imprinted onto thy hearts, into art core of thus souls. Until the flame of thy light is quenched of thus duty, the Elements will refuse to release thy holder.
"Celestia lost power over thy Elements when thou ponies destined to weld thy gems were begotten." Luna repeated again, sounding slightly edgy when nopony listened the first time.
"Who understood that?" Trock asked stupidly, looking among his friends and hoping one would agree.
"Everyone but you it seems." Hurricane muttered.
"Take the damned Elements." Applejack finally spoke, tired of the conflict probably like most of the readers here.
"But Applejack they're in the wrong hooves, can't you see?" Twilight stepped forward, confronting the farmpony.
"Omigosh but the Elements are imprinted on those ponies can't you see that Twilight destiny doesn't want us to keep the Elements, The Elements aren't meant for us and haha I said Elements three times already, oop I said it aga-" the pink, bombastic pony with the fluffy pink mane also known as Pinkie Pie was cut short as a chunk of broken marble whisked through the air and struck the side of her skull.
She collapsed like rotted bricks.
"Coltdammit. Makes me feel bad you guys have to put up with that." Spade, the pony who threw the marble, sighed.
"Pinkie!" Rainbow Dash yelled, rushing to her fallen friend. "You asshole!"
"It's not that bad after you hang out with them after a while. It's not as bad as seeing you guys have to hang out with that Sarcasm fellow." Twilight commented, nudging the fallen pony. "She's still breathing though."
"Listen here you little shit-" Sarcasm began, shouldering his way through the the other five.
"Sarcasm. Cut your shit." Blaze snapped, flashing out and hitting the new pegasus in the back of his own skull.
Apparently it was a little too hard as Sarcasm collapsed on the spot, the same fate the pink pony met.
"Dammit Blaze I'm not carrying him." Hurricane grit his teeth, nudging the limp body.
"Me neither. I got a fucked up chest." Spade muttered with an edge to her voice.
"This day was a complete trainwreck. I stayed up all night and now we're standing here like idiots arguing. I'd say let's just part ways and think of a way out of this." Rainbow Dash said defeatedly.
Twilight opened her mouth to say something when Hurricane interjected, "I have to agree. All we've done is repeat the same stuff over and over again."
"Then I hope you ponies find your way back because until we can find a solution for this, I don't think I can face you six right now." Princess Celestia muttered, looking crushed her student failed.
"Hold the fuck up, don't try to blame us. If it wasn't for you trying to 'test' your 'student' or whatever bullshit you're trying to spew, then we wouldn't be-" Blaze never got to finish his rent as Celestia flashed her magic bright, blinding all the ponies in the room.
When the aura toned down, Princess Celestia and the six other ponies had vanished, leaving Trock, Blaze, Ethelind, Hurricane, Spade, and the newly formed Sarcasm together in the castle along with Luna.
"The damned slut left her own sister behind?" Trock snorted unbelievingly.
"We believe she hath yet to forgive us. Her soul is consumed with distrust." Luna sighed sadly as if reliving her past when times were good.
"Well, you got us. We kinda saved you from, well, yourself?" Hurricane said, nudging the blue alicorn around.
"Yeah, I mean, apart from Trock and Sarcasm and practically everyone else in this group, we're pretty cool." Spade tried to smile, but grimaced as the fractures in her chest shifted.
"The fuck happened to chu?" Trock asked, poking Spade in the ribs.
Spade slapped his hoof away angrily, "That stupid rainbow bitch snuck a pussy hit in my ribs and that Twilight Shitstorm or whatever landed a rock on my leg what more do you want?" Spade sneered impatiently. "Now I have to walk back through the fucking Everfree."
"Sarcasm's still unconscious." Ethelind pointed out.
"Yeah, I can see that." Blaze snorted sarcastically. "Now YOU get to carry him back through the forest YOU fucking dragged us through!"
"I didn't-"
"Yeah you did." Trock interrupted, "but arguing over it isn't gonna get us anywhere. I agree you should carry his fat ass though."
"Or you can teleport us. Considering you're supposed to be 'gifted' or whatever, I'd assume you'd be able to." Hurricane muttered.
"As flattering as that was supposed to sound, I'm not able to teleport this amount of ponies, considering their mass. Nopony can..." Ethelind pointed out, sounding slightly offended.
"Are you fucking blind? Celestia literally did it right in front of you." Spade pointed out impatiently. "I just want to get home from a travel YOU dragged me into."
"Fine. Let's just try and get home." Ethelind muttered agreeing with the rest of the others grudgingly.
"Momma's probably gonna kill me." Sarcasm whimpered as they began to make their way out of the castle.
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 10: Only one thing to do now
The seven exited the castle, Sarcasm leaning on a very pissed looking Ethelind for support. Spade staggered after, refusing help like a stubborn jackass while Trock sat atop an equally pissed-off Hurricane.
Blaze was the only one who didn't take as big as a beating as the others, though he still trotted with an angry stagger besides a very tired-looking princess.
The Elements still glimmered brightly around the necks of the ponies. Ethelind had removed the crown, dragging it behind her in the dust with exhaustion, tied to her tail.
"At least the trip's gonna be better in the daytime." Trock pointed out happily from the top of Hurricane's back.
"I don't know if it's gonna make much of a difference. The damn trees are so thick that they're gonna block out any sunlight that tries to filter through." Blaze pointed out with a bitter spit in his words.
"Ha. You said 'thick'." Trock giggled to himself.
"I swear to Celestia I'm gonna jam my horn up your urethra if you don't shut the fuck up." Sarcasm snapped suddenly, pulling away from Ethelind, then winced and leaned back on the white unicorn.
"Too bad it's gone, you fucking loser." Spade muttered quietly, just barely loud enough for them to hear.
"Oooh, looking forward to it. I can just feel the arousal-"
"I swear to the fucking goddesses Trock you're really getting ready for a kick to the stomach." Hurricane muttered, using his wing to flick Trock's forehead.
"Are they all really like this?" Luna whispered to Blaze while the others kept arguing.
"Yeah, most of the time." Blaze replied without looking up from the ground.
"Who art thou, anyways? And thy companions?" Luna pressed.
"I'm Blaze Fury, and I'm willing to rip the dick off of any fucker who says otherwise. As for my friends? Hurricane is such an egomaniacal jackass he makes me want to bash my head in a wall. Trock thinks with his dick more than the head he was given with even though he claims to have a marefriend, which no one believes.
Spade is always an edgy asshole, and honestly we think she has some dark background, but always threatens to shove a pencil up our asses if we mention anything. Ethelind is a fucking nerd who thinks pointing out everyone else's flaw is the way to fix them and expects them to be perfect at it even if she looks like a bigger asshole in the process.
Then there's Sarcasm, the biggest pig to ever exist. He drinks, blazes, and likes to be as obnoxious as much as he fucking can. Fucking assholes. Every single one of them." Blaze finished, sounding utterly disgusted.
"Wow. Why doth thou remain as companions with such flaws?" Luna asked, confused.
"Because, well..." Blaze trailed off, looking unsure, dropping his gaze back to the ground. "I really don't like sharing with others. Especially about this kind of mushy stuff."
"You can tell us. We won't criticize." Luna pressed, interested in the stallion's story.
"Well, they're all I got. Sure, we came from some pretty hard families, but I probably got the worst of it. They were there when the ponies I could trust weren't. Hell, I probably couldn't even trust my family with anything. These ponies know more about me than my own mother." Blaze murmured, then flushed angrily. "You'd better not tell a soul." He warned, punching the alicorn in the arm.
"We won't." Luna swore, staggering a little but overall unaffected by the blow. "Seems sweet such a stallion who built such a cold soul inside hath found warmth withing the magic of friendship."
"Say that one more time and I'm gonna punch you in the throat."
***
The seven finally reached the bridge, which was fixed to brand new.
"Probably Twilight Shitstorm and her cuntsucking posse did this." Spade concluded as she stepped on the bridge.
"Wait, it can still be weak-"
"Fuck that. I'm tired, hungry, and just want to go home." Spade grumbled as she walked across the bridge.
"Well, seems pretty safe..." Ethelind commented as she stepped after the brown pegasus.
"Hey, we should sing a camp song like they did in foalscouts." Trock suggested as he and Hurricane crossed the bridge.
"Please, Trock, now is not the time for-"
"YOU CAN'T RIDE IN MY LITTLE RED WAGON, BACK SEAT'S BROKE AN' THE AXLE'S DRAGGIN'!~" a voice sang obnoxiously from behind them. The five turned their heads in surprise as they watched Blaze trotting along the bridge, looking happy for once.
"YOU CAN'T RIde in my little red... uh... wagon..." Blaze trailed off and stopped when he noticed the others watching him.
"What?!" He snapped, flushing slightly. "So what if I fucking love these motherfucking songs?"
"Nothing's wrong."
"No you're good."
"I guess it's okay to act a little gay here and there..."
"Camp songs seem fun..." a jumble of nervous responses came from Hurricane, Trock, Sarcasm and Ethelind as they looked anywhere but at Blaze. Spade was already walking into the bushes, set on getting home.
"Maybe tomorrow, but not today!~" Luna skipped up cheerfully next to Blaze, finishing the verse of the song.
When she noticed the stares of the others, she shrugged gleefully, "What? We really liked filly scout songs when we were younger as well."
"Wait, how old were you when you were sent to the moon?" Ethelind asked the alicorn.
"Fourteen, to be approximate."
"Never getting to finish your childhood because you're trapped on the moon as a demonic spawn for one-thousand years sounds pretty tough, huh?" Hurricane pointed out.
***
"HUNDRED-AN'-FIFTIETH VERSE! SAME AS THEE FIRST! LITTLE BIT LOUDER AN' A WHOLE LOT WORSE!" Blaze and Luna chanted as the seven walked through the forest. Five of the ponies looked ready to rip their ears off.
"Blaze's finally warming up to someone." Ethelind commented to Spade as they walked.
"Hey, I can't blame him. He finally found a friend who doesn't want his throat to be slit in his sleep. Or maybe his fuCKING VOCAL CORDS!" Spade trailed into a shout, wincing as her busted bones shifted.
"HUNDRED-AN'-FIFTY-FIRST VERSE~" Blaze and Luna sang on, ignoring Spade.
"I guess we all just need that sister to laugh with us." Spade muttered as they walked on.
"Hey, Spade, don't you have a sister or somethin'? Or a sibling?" Sarcasm asked as he limped along Ethelind's side.
"No." Spade muttered darkly.
"Yeah, I think you do. A brother or a sister. I think I even met them."
"I had a sister. She left me behind to join the Equestrian Marine Forces. Any more fucking questions?" Spade rounded on the white pegasus, staring with fierce green eyes.
"Uh, no." Sarcasm mumbled, dropping his gaze to the ground.
"Good." Spade walked faster, despite her injuries.
"Geez. Fuckin' edgy." Sarcasm commented.
"Can't really blame her. I don't know the story, but it seems like a dark one." Ethelind observed, stopping for a second so Sarcasm could catch his breath.
"I swear to the Goddesses, I remember hanging out with Blaze as a colt, and he still likes screaming shitty songs at the top of his lungs." Hurricane grumbled as he caught up to Ethelind and Sarcasm.
Trock was lying on his back, staring up at the tree canopies. "The sun actually does peek through the leaves at some parts." Trock pointed out as he tried to balance on Hurricane's back.
"HUNDRED-AN'- uh..." Blaze and Luna trailed off, looking lost.
"What verse were we on?" Blaze asked.
"We were on the verse that told you to shut the fuck up already." Sarcasm muttered.
"Listen here, you little shit-"
"Guys, look." Ethelind pointed ahead.
Rooftops were visible above the trees, and the sounds of ponies walking around and talking were noticable.
"We finally made it back!" Trock said as he rolled off of Hurricane's back with enthusiasm.
"Has anything changed since we've been gone?" Luna asked as they picked up the pace, intent on arriving back to town.
"Not really. We still use outhouses to shit and still don't have machines that does stuff for us." Hurricane said as they made it to the edge of the forest.
"I'm actually surprised we didn't have any trouble getting here." Ethelind commented, breaking through the bushes.
As they walked towards the town, ponies they passed by began to stare. It's not everyday six busted-up ponies and an ex-possessed alicorn walk through your town.
They crossed the small bridge and finally made it into town.
"Finally here! Fuck, that took way to long." Sarcasm whimpered.
"Where do we go now, though?" Ethelind asked, trying to avoid the suspicious stares of the townsponies.
"Why don't we go to the Hedge for a little and rest up before planning anything else." Hurricane suggested.
"Not a bad idea. A brusky sounds really refreshing right now." Sarcasm pulled away from Ethelind and began staggering towards the broken-down wood built bar.
"Oh, yes. Nothing like a deadly substance that makes you make poor decisions to refresh and quench your thirst."
"Yeah, I don't care right now. If you don't like beer then don't drink it.." Spade muttered as she followed Sarcasm to the bar.
***
When they walked in, a few gangs of ponies were hanging around. Five sat at the bar with hunched backs while around six others crowded around a dusty pool table, intent on the game in front of them.
Few more sat scattered around tables, talking to one another in hushed conversations. Music blared quietly from the old jukebox, sounding old and crackly.
As the seven walked in, all of the ponies in the bar turned to watch them, the music scratched to a silence.
"Uh... whuddup..." Hurricane nodded a welcome as they walked further in.
Still, silence held the bar, and all stared at the seven like a meteorite crashed into the bar.
"It's the equine!" An obviously drunk brown stallion shouted from his seat, an old paperboy's cap tilted over his eyes. He crashed through the window in an attempt to escape.
Anxious murmuring started around the bar, ponies sending hushed whispers to one another.
Sarcasm led them cautiously to the booth, trying to avoid the stares of other ponies.
He sat in the booth and was sandwiched in the middle by Trock and Ethelind, while Spade sat next to Trock.
"Move over." Blaze ordered as he shoved Spade.
"You son of a motherfu-"
"I'm just gonna stop you there before you waste everyone's time with a random string of cusses no one here as ever heard." Sarcasm interrupted Spade as he waved the bartender over to the table.
Blaze smirked at Spade and sat in the seat, Luna sitting next to him.
Their waitress this time was a young red unicorn mare with crisp blue eyes and a muddy-brown mane. A red flannel shirt marked with plaid draped over her backside, covering any cutie mark she may have owned.
"What can I get ya?" She asked, sounding disinterested and bored with her job.
"Uh, lessie here..." Hurricane counted the ponies around him. "Well, considering the shit we went through and the fact I'd like to be nice and inebriated before we head on over to the hospital and have random ponies in sexy nurse outfits stick horns up my ass to fix whatever trauma's been caused to my body, a lot of the good stuff."
"Yeah, that's not an order. Please give me an order." The mare sighed while she waited for their order, a pen and notepad levitating next to her.
"Five pitchers of Buckweiser, if you may." Sarcasm ordered impatiently. "And don't mind fuckboy over there."
"Will do. Be back with your order. And..." she counted the ponies at the table, murmuring the numbers under her breath. She counted up to six before she stopped at Luna, who looked fascinated at the light fixture above.
"Hey, is she old 'nuff to drink? She looks way unda twenty one." The mare pointed out.
"Really? When we were younger, we went out all the time with thy bloodline to drink the beverage of thy wheat." Luna replied, confused. "We're pretty sure that if we drank at that age, we should be able to drink now."
"We? Who else is there-"
"It's the way she talks ignore it." Trock murmured quietly to the waitress.
"So what seems to be thy confliction?"
"Well, how old are you?"
"Uh.... Celestia hath been ruling how long?" Luna asked. "She began her reign at thy age of eighteen, whilst I'm about ten years younger."
"Uh, a thousand an' twenty three years or so, I think." The waitress scratched her head.
"One thousand and fourteen years of age." Luna answered, smiling.
"Uh...." the waitress looked with disbelief before shaking her head. "Whatever. I live in a world where unicorns can destroy ten meter thick rocks with magic but everypony still has to empty a shit bucket every now and then. I'll be back in a few."
Spade laid her head on the table in exhaustion.
"Got any cards?" Hurricane asked.
"My assmark is literally a spade. Hell yeah I have some cards, dumbass." Spade grumbled as she pulled a pack of vintage cards from the goddesses know where.
"Blackjack? Poker? Texas Hold 'Em? B.S.? Gin? Speed? Spit?" Spade listed off possible card games as she shuffled the cards lazily through her wings, her head never leaving the table.
"We should play some B.S. Nice classic game fit for this amount of ponies." Blaze said, sounding unusually in a good mood.
"Uh, sure." Trock said, surprised.
"Gives us a chance to think of a plan as well." Ethelind pointed out, sounding tired.
The mare brought back the five pitchers, floating in her levitation whilst setting seven mugs down on the table.
Spade dealt the cards, and the ponies settled in, attempting to get comfortable, but failing miserably considering there's seven in a booth, and one's an alicorn.
Blaze offered to teach Luna how to play as Hurricane eagerly poured them drinks, excited for the clean, cold taste of tap beer.
They sat, drank, talked, cursed, cheated, laughed, and planned like the old friends they always had been.
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 11: Plans and Shit
"So, here's the plan," Ethelind spoke as the other six watched quietly, serious for once. "We take a trip to the hospital, but only have a two day minimum of hospital stay."
"Easy for you to say. Me and fuckboy over there broke our ribs all up and that shit takes at least a month to heal. Maybe a LOT more." Spade muttered.
"I'm fine, though?" Hurricane reassured, looking confused.
"She was talking about me, fuckboy." Sarcasm snapped, wincing slightly in pain.
"Well now you know why I'm confused." Hurricane retorted, crossing his arms.
"Not to mention that Sarcasm totally wasn't transformed into a completely different species or anything." Trock pointed out. "We need some serious magical wisdom shit if we're gonna know what to do with him."
"Well, there's that bitch Twilight that lives in the Golden Oaks. She can probably give some wisdom." Sarcasm pointed out.
"Not a good idea. They're probably still salty we pissed on their heroic plans." Hurricane mumbled back as the waitress brought a fourth pitcher.
"Yeah, not to mention we have Luna, who isn't exactly known well around this town." Blaze added.
"We can all stay hidden. Live together for a while. Maybe camp in the woods. Because if the ruler of our nation sends out some wanted posters of us, these ponies will do anything to get on the princess's good side.
"Living separately would probably increase our chances of getting caught, and maybe even executed, considering how powerful these are-" Trock said as he removed the Element from his neck and set it on the table. "-and how we technically stole them."
"Where would we go, though?" Ethelind asked.
"Well, we can run."
The table grew quiet as Hurricane spoke up.
"What?" He asked the shocked ponies.
"You're asking us to run from everything we know? Just to... just to run away like we don't have anything to do with this town?" Spade asked seriously for once.
"Look, I know it sounds bad, but we have no idea what the princess is planning. For all we know, she can give no fucks and hope we're the salvation for her crumbling nation. But that's highly unlikely.
Not to mention that Luna isn't exactly known well. Ponies have already seen us with her, and I'm pretty sure she's wanted for terrorism. I wouldn't be surprised if they chase after us.
"Running is probably our best option. Celestia's a very powerful alicorn. I don't know why she spared us when the magic she possesses is enough to wipe out an entire nation. If she decides to make a move and attempt to prostitute us, we're done for." Hurricane explained.
"Prosecute, Hurricane. Prosecute." Ethelind corrected the red pegasus.
"Whatever. You get my point." Hurricane grumbled.
"I'm guessing you've never been prosecuted before, eh? Considering how you confused it with prostitution..." Spade teased as if getting thrown in the slammer adds status.
"No. I have not. Nor do I wish to be. Come on, guys, this is serious. I haven't been to jail and neither do I plan on it. Which is another good reason for us to leave. Just need a place to go..." Hurricane rubbed his chin, looking deep in thought.
"I don't know about that. Living with you assholes doesn't seem like a very good idea. Not to mention I have a home here. A life." Blaze spoke up, looking unsure of himself. "Just not really up for much adventure."
"Actually, Hurricane might be right for once." Sarcasm interrupted. "I know we need a place to rest and heal, and if the princess is as pissed as you guys think she is, then I have no hopes of returning to a unicorn. I need a place to heal and learn how to fly, hell, even get my new cutie mark without having to worry about meeting with the princess, Twilight Shitstain, and all her other cronies.
"Not to mention Luna needs to recuperate and learn how to live in the modern world. She still refers to herself as 'we' and tends to be louder than needed."
"That's actually a good reason. I have family in Germaney and-"
"No." Spade snapped suddenly. "We're not going to Germaney"
"What, why not?" Ethelind asked, taken aback. "What, with the war going on, we won't be noticed. Ponies would be way too busy trying to figure out strategies for winning the fight they won't notice seven different refugees. And with the right disguise, they won't even notice an alicorn."
"We. Are. Not. Going. To. Mother. Fucking. Germaney. Are you fucking deaf or just plain stupid to my language?" Spade sneered at Ethelind impatiently.
"Why not?" Trock spoke up. "I'm Germane and I think we should go."
"I'm not going. End of discussion. Add more to it and I'm gonna punch you in the fucking throat." Spade sat back and cringed as she hit the back cushion a little too roughly.
"Okay. Not Germaney. Not Germaney." Trock muttered a little disappointedly.
"Okay, where though?" Hurricane asked.
"Ah couldn't help but overhear y'all's conversation, an' Ah think Ah might be a good help. I gat a bud in Oatstralia who might be able to help." The waitress said as she walked up with the fifth pitcher, the other four completely drained. "Not ta mention y'all look like ye can use a good hospital. Oatstralia's got the best 'round."
"Yeah, but how the hell would we get there?" Sarcasm asked as he already poured a fourth of the pitcher in his mug.
"The Underwater Trail." The mare said as she levitated over the bill for their order.
"The what-now?" Hurricane asked.
"The Underwater Trail. It's a trail that unicorns created undaneath the Atlanticolt and the Indimane oceans for immigrants and getaways to safely reach Oatstralia." The mare said as she levitated seven cleaner mugs over and clearing the rest away.
"And why are you telling us this? What do you owe us?" Sarcasm said before Trock nudged him with his elbow.
"Actually, I work for the tunnel. I'm trying to keep it funded secretly. Not even Celestia knows it exists." The mare explained, losing her accent. "All you gotta do to pass through it is give a contribution to the tunnel to keep it running. It's a good 2,000 mile stretch, so it can't be nothing too... little."
"So like, what? Food? Oil? Money? Beer?" Spade asked as she shuffled the cards.
"Anything. You can pay five hundred bits a pony for a carriage to take you over. Pegasi fly it so the trip will be a hell of a lot faster than walking. The tunnel is large enough , about the size of a small city.
"There's plenty of room for you to sleep; no pony will bother you. But thousands of refugees will be walking as well, so a carriage is a good idea." The mare explained.
"Five hundred bits a pony? Shit, I barely got enough to pay my rent of four hundred a month!" Sarcasm protested.
"Well, we need medical help, and I'm pretty sure no one wants to help us out in this town. I'm certain that they even fear us. It's a good solution." Ethelind said, sounding unsure of herself.
"I really don't want to be stuck with you guys for months, though." Blaze muttered.
"Will you get off your fucking high horse for a second and realize how fucking dire this is?" Spade snapped suddenly, ignoring the pain in her chest. "We're fucking wanted-"
"You don't fucking know that!" Blaze screamed at the pegasus, turning a few heads.
"Yes, I fucking do! I saw the fucking posters around town! Word gets around fast when there are motherfucking TERRORISTS living right around the fuckdamn corner from you! Ponies want us dead! And all you fucking care about it being forced to live with the ponies who actually gave a shit about you!" Spade yelled back, shoving Blaze.
"You fucking cunt why didn't you say anything about the posters!" Blaze snapped back as he returned the shove, a little harsher than hers.
"Because I wanted to discuss it with you motherfuckers!" Spade flashed back as she shoved a hoof in Blaze's stomach.
"Guys, stop!" Ethelind shouted, but was ignored as Blaze punched Spade's ribs, who let out a stream of curses before raising a hoof to give Blaze a nasty blow, tears streaming from her eyes.
"Okay, that's enough!" Sarcasm shouted as he leaned over the table and socked Blaze right in the center of his eyes.
Before Spade could even snicker, Sarcasm turned and delivered the blow into her temple with the same force.
Both fell, unconscious, smack right down onto the table.
"Blaze!" Luna gasped as she hugged the unconscious pony in her grip, shaking him slightly. "Art thou okay??"
"Sarcasm!" Trock shouted pulling him back.
"Why did you do that?!"
"He actually did a good favor..." Hurricane pointed out, backing up his buddy.
"Okay....okay..." Ethelind repeated to herself as she rubbed her eyes, looking slightly pained.
"They're both gonna be pissed when they wake up..." Hurricane pointed out as well.
"Um..." the waitress said as she rubbed the back of her head awkwardly.
"We're gonna travel on the path, please." Trock said, deciding for the group as he removed his fez and rubbed through his mane.
"Very well. Meet me behind town hall tonite at midnight. Bring the supplies you plan to trade for the tickets" the mare said as she turned and sauntered away, levitating fourteen empty mugs and five drained pitchers behind her.
They weren't even drunk yet.
***
"Ow, my fucking head...." Spade whimpered as she clutched her temple, blinking her blurred eyes around. She was laying down on a white couch, the whole furniture to herself.
All seven were sitting in Trock's house, sitting on the couches in his living room. Ethelind and Trock sat on his white leather loveseat while Luna and Blaze laid on a matching futon, Blaze still unconscious.
Sarcasm sat on the floor next to the futon, resting his arm on the couch with a Camel Light smoking from his mouth, his black mane still hanging over his eyes.
Hurricane laid splayed on the rug under the coffee table, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought.
"Welcome back." Sarcasm said as he tried to remove the cigarette from his mouth with levitation, then sighed and removed it with his hoof, blowing out the smoke.
"Fucking wonderful to be back." Spade groaned and rolled over. "Where are we at?"
"Trock's apartment. We came to think of an idea to get 3,500 bits and something to trade for tickets. We waited until you woke up because we wanted another idea. Ethelind said wait and get jobs to earn the money, but that takes too damn long.
Sarcasm said to try the lottery, but the chances are so slim of winning I wanted to vomit. Trock said-"
"Why can't we just steal it?" Spade suggested, interrupting Hurricane.
Hurricane opened his mouth to say something against the idea, but shut it when he thought about it.
"That can actually work." Sarcasm commented.
"No. No way. We aren't stealing 3,500 bits from anyone." Ethelind said, crossing her arms.
"Why not?" Hurricane asked. Luna remained silent.
"Because it's illegal." Ethelind pointed out.
"Aw, you're no fun." Trock teased as he poked her cheek.
"We're already wanted. Plus, once we cross foreign waters, they can't really do anything to us. We'll be Oatstralia's problem, and they have no proof we stole a thing." Spade replied, rolling over onto her back. "Hey, you got a first aid kit?"
"I told you guys that she'd want to do something illegal." Ethelind snorted as she levitated a kit to Spade.
"It's not bad a plan. That rich bastard that lives right around my corner left on vacation. Only pony home is his housekeeper, Consuela, and I ain't even sure she speaks Equine. Probably only Mexicolt in that establishment." Spade said as she wrapped her chest in flimsy gauze, setting the bones with a grimace.
"Let me see that when you're done. Stupid bitch broke a couple of my ribs." Sarcasm clenched his teeth as he rubbed the broken part in his chest.
"How do you even know all this stuff?" Hurricane asked Spade.
"I've been scoping his house for ages. Hell, I've wanted to teach that bastard a lesson for years now. He's always waving his bits in my face. Robbing him senseless sounds pretty damn good right now. He's got a doggie door out in his backdoor." Spade explained.
"That's what she said." Trock smirked before Ethelind flicked him with magic.
"When Blaze wakes up, he can crawl through since he's the shortest here. He will unlock the door and I can show Ethelind the vault in his basement. You can use your freaky advanced magic shit to unlock the vault. When we get the bits, we'll get extra and give them to someone waiting so Hurricane, Trock, and Sarcasm, maybe Luna if she wants-"
"We would like to help." Luna replied solemnly.
"-can go and get a disguise for Luna and buy some oil and food to trade. While you guys are doing that, me and Ethelind-
"Ethelind and I..." Ethelind corrected silently.
"-will wreck the place so it seems like a robbery. Plus I really wanna wreck his place." Spade said.
"That's actually... a good idea." Hurricane commented. "Only loophole is when do we do it? Sounds like a lot of work with only the time we have until midnight."
"The mare said midnight, and sun-down's at six considering we haven't had the equinox yet. Six-thirty is our best time. Gives us about five hours to get this done, so we'll need to move quick."
"I'm glad we waited for her to wake up." Sarcasm smirked and took one last drag on his smoke before extinguishing it on his right wingtip. He grimaced a little.
"The fuck was that for?" Hurricane asked the new pegasus.
"Just wanted to know how they actually feel. It's not everyday you get wings. They're so... bizarre." Sarcasm murmured, wiping the ash off.
"Wait until the wingboners." Spade commented, laying on her back as she pushed the box towards him.
"So I need to worry about two? Are you fucking kidding me?!" Sarcasm asked sharply, looking ticked.
"Welcome to my world." Spade murmured as she mashed her head into the couch cushion.
"And mine." Hurricane added, raising his hoof.
"I'm just gonna point out that I never agreed to do the vault thing. I don't even know if I want to take part in your little plans." Ethelind muttered, crossing her arms again.
"You shittin' me?" Spade asked as she lifted her head and looked at Ethelind. "We're over here working our asses off on a solution while you sit around doing nothing and now you won't even open a simple fucking vault?"
"It's illegal, Spade. I'm not gonna argue with you on this. I refuse to help in this way. Either find another plan or just don't do." Ethelind said stubbornly.
"Ethelind, please don't do this. We can-"
"Fine." Blaze said suddenly, coldly, interrupting Trock, as he slowly opened his eyes to fix Ethelind with a fierce red gaze.
"You don't want to fucking help? Fine. Sit on your ass and wait for Celestia to cut your fucking head off for all I care. Just remember that when we leave, we aren't coming back. You'll be DEAD to us. I don't know why it'll be a mistake. You just weigh us down, to be honest. Now you finally have a chance to redeem yourself. To make yourself worthy to be in our group. Now you refuse to do the simplest task out of all of us because it's 'illegal'? What are you, fucking brain dead?
"Spade was right when she said you haven't done shit for us. We're in this together, and most of this is your fault considering you made us go into the Everfree. Hell, ALL of it is your fault. So you know what? You're going to open the fucking vault and we're gonna leave this country and go to a place where you stop being such a stuck-up prick. Understand?"
Ethelind held his gaze a bit longer before breaking it and staring at the ground. "Understand." She muttered quietly.
"Welcome back, Blaze." Hurricane muttered. "You missed the plan."
"Nah, I was awake the whole time. Just waitin' to see if y'all are talkin' shit. By the way, I'm not THAT short you assholes.
"How's thy forehead?" Luna asked Blaze.
"How come I didn't get any condolences?!" Spade asked sharply.
"The ponder was for both." Luna replied calmly.
"Okay, we have three hours until six. I suggest we each go home one by one to get stuff you may want to keep." Ethelind pointed out, pushing herself off the couch.
"I'll go first." Sarcasm said as he got up, and before anyone can argue, he walked out the front door.
"Well there goes my plans." Ethelind muttered as she sat back down.
The Elements of Misfortune
Chapter 12: To the Mansion!
Ethelind was the last of the ponies to retrieve their stuff. When she entered the house, she got mixed reactions.
"Oh hell no." Blaze muttered, crossing his arms.
"Really? Of all things?" Sarcasm asked, holding the large gallon bag of Mary Jane close to his chest.
"You brought weed. Why can't she bring a cat?" Trock asked.
"Because weed's the only thing keeping me from committing genocide."
A white winged cat was clutching onto Ethelind's back, it's wide green eyes staring around at the new surroundings.
"I refuse to leave my cat behind." Ethelind stomped, clearly offended.
"I left my dog behind. Well, not behind. I gave her to Thateus so he can watch her. I heard he likes pitbulls." Spade jutted in. She held the black box of cards close to her chest. The design was unknown but the others most likely guessed what it was.
"Thateus? Ain't he the one from high school?" Hurricane asked. He brought his red and white headphones, which now lay around his neck.
"Yeah. The fag." Spade answered, scratching at her bandages.
"Of all words to use? Buy a dictionary." Ethelind snapped all of a sudden.
"No, the fag. He sold Britmane cigarettes. His assmark is literally a tobacco plant." Spade explained with an edge to her voice. "Not everything is homophobic."
"Especially not you." Trock snickered, barely audible. He brought a bag full of magazines. Everypony knew what the magazines were.
"This is Princess." Ethelind announced, levitating the cat from her back to the ground.
"How cliche." Hurricane commented.
"Does she talk?" Trock asked.
"If the cat talks, we're eating her for dinner." Blaze muttered darkly. He held an old aged champagne bottle.
"Please don't." A little feminine voice piped up from the shivering creature, who scampered behind Ethelind's leg to hide.
"Coltdammit." Blaze said, getting up from his spot. "Got any Buckweiser, Trock?"
"I don't know if that's a good idea. You probably need to be sober for what's gonna go down tonight." Trock reminded.
"Yeah. Kinda figured. Just wanted to loosen up if I have to share the same fucking room with five assholes and a talking cat." Blaze sighed and rubbed his head, cringing.
"We used to own felines. Not particularly cats." Luna said, falling into memories of her past. She was the only one without possessions.
"Not cats? What other feline would you own?" Spade asked.
"Oh, dear one, the possibilities for royalty were nearly endless. Tia really hated animals, but I was always was one for the saber tooth."
"You were fucking alive when saber tooths were?" Sarcasm asked disbelievingly.
"You seem surprised." Luna replied.
"So, is the cat fun? Or is she like..." Hurricane asked, making a sophisticated face.
"Mistress Ethelind always taught that chivalry and respect always ends with success." The kitty puffed her chest out proudly as she recited the speech.
"Oooh, Mistress..." Trock repeated, wiggling his eyebrows. "I wonder what else your 'mistress' has taught you."
"If you're implying that Ethelind fucks her cat I will stab your throat with a fork while you sleep then piss on your body as you bleed out." Blaze snapped, smacking the back of Trock's head roughly.
"Thank you, Blaze." Ethelind responded, looking equally disgusted.
"Let's get the cat drunk!" Hurricane whooped, throwing his hooves in the air.
"Uh..." Blaze and Spade said at the same time.
"That's fucking retarded you asshole." Sarcasm voiced what everyone else was thinking, then, "let's do it!"
"You are NOT intoxicating my cat!" Ethelind snapped and held the cat close to her chest.
"What's that?" Princess mumbled around being smothered in Ethelind's arms.
"Nothing you should know about, missy!" Ethelind lectured, grasping the cat closer.
"Wait, she's that sheltered? Oh, man! This trip's gonna be fun to destroy her innocence!" Sarcasm cackled, rubbing his hooves together evilly.
"Please don't..." Ethelind begged.
"Depends on how drunk we get the cat." Hurricane snickered.
"Hey, is it still a virgin?" Trock asked, making the cat's fur stand on end.
"Dear Goddesses, yes!" Ethelind gasped, sounding offended. "Or at least I should hope so!"
"Aw, sorry Princess. That sucks." Trock said sympathetically.
The clock in Trock's kitchen rang, making the ponies jump in surprise, save for Trock. Hurricane glanced over at the clock from behind the couch.
"Six." He said.
"We got thirty minutes. I suggest we place all our shit in a saddlebag so we don't have to worry about carrying it all the way to fucking Oatstralia." Sarcasm voiced his idea, grabbing the blue saddlebags from Trock's rack.
"Who'll carry it, though? Has no wing holes so Sarcasm, me and Spade can't." Hurricane pointed out.
"I will. Feed my sack." Trock grabbed the bags and opened them wide, trying to make the best bedroom face he could.
"Uh, no." Blaze grabbed the bag and stuck his champagne in it. "I will."
While the others placed their shit in the bag, Sarcasm stared at his marijuana.
"You gonna do it?" Blaze asked impatiently, holding the bag open for him.
"Will I get to smoke some on the way?" Sarcasm asked seriously.
"Bitch if I get caught with your shit I'm going to prison and I ain't no mind reader so put it in the fucking bag!" Blaze's fragile patience snapped as he snatched the bag from Sarcasm and shoved it in the bag. He zipped it up and slung it over his back, fastening the straps over his belly.
"Okay, Princess, this will only be for a little while. When we get the tickets I will let you out, but for now, be a good girl and remain in the bag." Ethelind murmured softly as she soothed the winged cat into the bag.
"Okay, Mistress Ethelind. I will... obey..." the kitty sounded unsure of herself, but followed the order anyways.
"I guess we should take the Elements with us just in case." Ethelind murmured, picking up her crown.
"Are you crazy? They're the reason we're in this mess. I say leave them." Hurricane placed his neckplate on the coffee table stubbornly.
"No, hear me out. Luna said they're a part of our souls, right?" Ethelind asked.
"Affirmative." Luna confirmed.
"That possibly means if we separate from them, we may lose a part of ourselves. Heck, maybe even death. There'd be only one way to confirm that, and I'm not sure I want to." Ethelind finished as she opened the saddlebag and placed the Element into it. No one seemed to object.
"We aren't so sure about thy theory, yet it could be very truthful, we have yet to partake in such experiments." Luna said, a little ashamed.
"Okay, but place them in the left bag. I left the right bag empty for the bits." Blaze commented, finishing with the buckles.
"I guess we should start heading to the bastard's house before we run out of time." Hurricane said as he placed the other Elements in the bag.
"This will be fun..." Spade smirked darkly, rubbing her hooves together evilly.
***
The seven decided to loop around the backway, avoiding town center where most ponies are likely to be. They had to avoid confrontation, after all. Sunset set in around the time the ponies reached the alleyway on 3rd street, one neighborhood away from their destination.
"I guess Celestia had to trouble with the sun. Sure seems like it." Hurricane commented as the sky turned a light orange.
They reached the end of the alleyway, and while the other six hid behind a garbage bin, Trock stepped to the side of the brick wall, peering out the side for any ponies.
"All good!" He whispered and beckoned the others over with his hoof.
"Keeping Luna hidden's probably gonna be the hardest part here. We need that disguise as soon as possible." Ethelind calculated.
The seven began to trot around the corner when a loud, high-pitched, feminine and teeth-grating voice squealed from around the corner, "Troooooooooooock!"
Trock whipped around happily as he heard the voice, "Pipsqueak!"
A small, petite pink earth pony mare ran to Trock, and he embraced her close to him. She looked to be around the other's ages, but a smaller version.
When they embraced each other, Trock leaned forward and planted a kiss on her lips.
"Holy fucking shit he wasn't lying." Sarcasm stated exactly what everyone else was thinking. Except for Ethelind, who looked more disgusted with the sudden public display of affection.
"How does that get a mare and I'm still single?" Sarcasm motioned angrily at Trock, who was adjusting his fez from the sudden affectionate attack.
"Yeah, we've been at it for a year." Trock informed a little smugly.
"Yeah, I don't want to know. You guys can reminisce all you want, but we only have about five hours before we leave Equestria forever. Can we please get a move on?" Spade huffed impatiently, stomping her hoof.
"Wait, what's she talking about, babe?" Pipsqueak asked, concerned and confused.
"Uh, well, you see, babe... I uh..." Trock stuttered nervously, loosening his hug and breaking eye contact with Pipsqueak.
"Okay, Trock, while you sit here explaining the situation with her, we're gonna go get started. Meet us up when you stop being a faggot." Sarcasm pranced away, intent on finishing the plan.
"Kinda hard when I'm dating something with a vagina!" Trock shouted defensively at the running pegasus.
"Who do you think you are! Leaving me like this! Are you CHEATING on me?!"
The other five raced after Sarcasm, trying to ignore the audible smack Trock received.
"I think they're a cute couple." Hurricane quipped to Spade, who rolled her eyes.
***
They only stopped running when they reached the last alleyway between the stretch to their destination.
"Okay, I see the mansion. The fence looks pretty short, so we'll have no problem clearing it to the backyard. Once in the back, Hurricane and Sarcasm will wait there until Blaze unlocks the door for us. Me and Ethelind-"
"Ethelind and I..." Ethelind corrected irritably, interrupting Spade.
"-will bust into the vault. Ethelind will take the money to you guys waiting outside and I'll wreck the place." Spade whispered, finishing.
"How much do you plan to take?" Hurricane asked.
"Hell, might as well go nuts. Free money? And no consequences? I just hit the motherload. Taking as much as fits in the fucking bag." Spade smiled slyly, anxiety lighting up her gaze.
"Hell yeah!" Sarcasm whooped and high-fived Spade, while Blaze sighed angrily.
"Can't believe I have to carry your shit." He muttered.
"Don't bitch at Ethelind for not doing anything and then complain about your job in this. If we go down, you're coming with us." Spade snapped suddenly, shooting Blaze a nasty look.
"Let's do this." Hurricane whooped, then raced from their hiding place, running to the wall.
"No, wait, you idiot! There can be witnesses!" Spade whispered furiously at the red pegasus.
Hurricane didn't make it 20 feet to the brick wall before tripping over the concrete curb, falling face-first into the pavement on the sidewalk.
Spade and Ethelind both face-hoofed hard, Spade sighing heavily as Sarcasm lost his shit, laughing and snorting at the fallen pony.
"Yeah, that'll happen if you be a dipshit." Spade mocked as she approached Hurricane, checking for any bypassers.
Hurricane pulled his face from the pavement, blood dripping down.
"Aw, fuck." He cursed and sat up. His muzzle was covered in blood as tears oozed from his eyes, which both looked bruised. One tooth was missing from his mouth.
"You should probably wait this out." Blaze suggested, walking up as Hurricane rubbed his head, pulling his hoof away to reveal blood.
"Okay." Hurricane said, dazed and confused as he limped and staggered to a vine wall, backing up against it and sliding down, covered by the shade. He dropped his head and watched as blood ran down his face.
"Anyways." Spade said as she walked over to their destination, finally.
"Help me over." Blaze demanded. Sarcasm dropped to his knees and held his hooves out, cupped, offering a step for the earth pony.
Blaze hopped up and Sarcasm boosted him, the brown pony dropping down on the other side. He tapped the wall twice with his hoof, indicating he got down.
"I'll stay with fuckboy. Make sure he doesn't get robbed or raped." Sarcasm said as he pulled out a joint from Celestia knows where and stuck it in his mouth.
"Have fun with that." Spade said as she spread her wings and easily glided to the other side of the wall.
Ethelind took one last look back at Hurricane. "Try to stop the bleeding."
"Psh, with what?" Sarcasm snorted. "I don't got jack shit on me."
"Just-ugh! You ponies are so...." Ethelind grit her teeth at Sarcasm before teleporting to the other side of the wall.
"Just fucking cuss already! It's not like you have anyone who would care anyways!" Sarcasm shouted. "Fucking eggheads."
***
"Alright, go right in there and open the door." Spade directed, motioning towards the lock inside the house.
Blaze dropped down and wriggle through the doggy door, grunting as his hips got stuck.
"Almost there." Spade murmured, her face smushed against the window.
"I can't fucking move!" Blaze grunted, wiggling and moving around angrily, trying to dislodge his lower body from the door.
"Geez, you'd think you're a mare with hips like those!" Spade teased, trying not to laugh at a brown, grumpy earth pony who was stuck in a doggy door.
"Shut the fuck up and help me!" Blaze shrieked.
"I can't do shit. Ethelind?" Spade asked. "You're being useless over there. Help us out."
"'Us?'" Ethelind questioned as she used her magic to grasp hold of Blaze, yanking and pulling at him.
"Ow, fucking stop! Ow!" Blaze yelled, struggling even harder against the door.
"Can you at least unlock the door?" Ethelind asked as she released her magic on Blaze.
"Hold on." Blaze puffed as he reached up with his hoof, flicking the door unlocked with a click.
"Sweet, thanks." Spade said as she walked over and swung the door open, Blaze still stuck in the doggy door.
"Wait, you can't leave me here!" Blaze shouted, pawing uselessly at the air, trying to grab either Spade or Ethelind as they walked by.
"Sorry, bro. We'll be back." Spade shrugged as she walked away, trying not to smirk as Blaze hurled cruel insults at Spade that made Ethelind blush as she walked by.
"This is probably the worst idea any of us could've had." Ethelind whimpered.
