Chapters Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 2: It's Time To Play The Game!
The screen flickered to light and erupted with color, unfortunately the color was black. After some time, a barrage of white boxes filled with black text appeared and then disappeared on the screen, but only for a second each before they went away. Then came forth a proverbial wall of text containing rather daunting language like “World Wrestling Federation” and “Legal” And “Ducks.” And then everything came to a rather calm result as the screen then showed the title of the game in giant letters which read Smack Down Vs Raw 2008. And, below all this were words of a letter importance which instructed to PRESS START.
“Luna?” Twilight looked over at Luna who had an unhealthy fixed stare on the screen. “You want to start this? I’m new to this after all.”
“No need to worry, simply press the button on your controller that says ‘start’ and it’ll begin.”
Twilight looked down at the black boomerang she was provided earlier and was genuinely befuddled. But after squinting her eyes a bit, she finally found some triangular protrusion with the text ‘Start’ over it. She held the controller about a full foot ahead of her and cautiously pressed it. The moment she did, a screen appeared which read something about ‘Hardcore’ and ‘Character Classes’ but then it went away in favor of another screen. This one appeared to be much more lively, with the logo from before appearing in the bottom left corner and on the right there were a number of single phrases, one of which being Exhibition which happened to be highlighted at this moment.
“Alright, so just keep pressing the ‘X’ button until it’ll let you choose your character. Exhibition is just a one-on-one match so it’ll help you to learn the basics.”
Twilight constantly had to look up from the controller and back to it, but yet she managed to follow these instructions to the letter and soon came upon a screen which showed two different human figures.
“So these are the characters I can choose from?”
“Yeah, there’s about half a million. The device has been modified so as to allow greater options, but for now just choose Gregory Helms.”
“Is this guy any good?”
“Not at all.”
Win or lose, Twilight knew she would gain some experience at this game so she kept hammering the X button until the highlights swapped from the top left to the bottom right of the screen. Luna took over the controls from her standpoint and swiftly chose the other character to be Ric Flair.
“Is that guy any good?”
“He’s ancient, so he shouldn’t provide too much of a problem.”
Considering Luna, the pony who spent a thousand years on the moon, is saying this then this Ric Flair guy must be really old. After some waiting, the screen eventually came to the game itself by which it showed a view of one guy wearing a skullcap standing opposite from a fossil of a man in a speedo in a squared wrestling ring with only a referee to stop them.
“Luna, you said this is one-on-one!” Twilight said upon seeing the guy in black and white striped shirt
“But it is Twilight. With haste, lay siege to your opponent!”
“Which one do I shoot?”
“You don’t have any way to shoot in this game.”
“How do I even attack?”
Twilight’s newly founded nightmare came to fruition when the mummy in his undies started walking slowly at her character.
“Quick, how do I play?!” Twilight exclaimed whilst shaking in fright.
“Just press the square button!”
“But all the buttons on this thing are circles!”
“Press different buttons and see what they do!”
Twilight started monkeying about with the controller and eventually got Gregory Helms to start running from one end of the ring, bouncing off of the ropes, and running at Ric Flair. Unfortunately, this was all she could get him to do.
“Alright, so you’re in the running position. So when you come up to him press up on the right stick and you’ll do an attack.”
Twilight followed these instructions and was treated to a camera shot of her character jumping on Ric Flair, and flattening him on the ground and then unleashing a flurry of punches to Ric’s cranium.
“Jeez, Luna, this is brutal. So how do I use magic?”
“Just a moment, I have with me the instructions.” Luna pulled out a paltry sized set of pages stapled together and glanced at them briefly. “According to this, the only magic done in wrestling is behind the scenes. So I guess you can’t cast any spells.”
“Alright, well where’s the swords at?”
“There’s no swords in this game. Besides, if you try and use a weapon then you’ll get disqualified for this match.”
“Fine. I suppose I’ll just try attacking him again.”
Twilight attempted another running-grapple maneuver, but once her character got up to Ric Flair he just came to a dead stop, then he started walking slowly over with both feet planted on either side of Ric. Gregory Helms leaned down, and Ric Flair poked him right in the eyes! Stunned and blinded, Ric Flair escaped from his vulnerable position and readied himself to deliver a finishing blow. This, as it turns out, never arrived. Ric Flair just stood perfectly still.
“What’s going on? He’s not doing anything.”
“That’s great, now you may land a strike on your foe! But whatever you do, don’t climb the turnbuckle.”
Twilight took to her usual strategy and guided Gregory to one of the corners of the ring, or as they are known in the wrestling realm, the turnbuckle. Immediately her character scaled to the top of it, but Ric Flair got a good running start and threw a punch that connected to Gregory! Gregory then fell backwards off of the turnbuckle, dropped midway and almost hit the floor outside before appearing inside the ring corner on his back.
“What the hay just happened? Did I do a teleport?”
“Well, yes. Technically. I mean, you were not supposed to teleport but it appears you have. Human teleport, it’s what they do I suppose.”
Gregory Helms got back to his feet all on his own, but Ric Flair was already prepared to set off his next ingenious plan. Ric Flair was at the other end of the ring, far away from Gregory, and he grabbed ahold of the referee and shoved him at Twilight’s character!
“Ah! I told you it was two-on-one! They’re teaming up on me!”
The referee fell flat on his face in the middle of the ring and didn’t even bother to get up, probably out of shame. Twilight then went back to her reliable and probably ancient technique and ran at Ric Flair to try another vicious pounding but Ric Flair countered by somehow grabbing ahold of Gregory Helms’ arm and tossing him backwards. Oddly enough, even though they were both rubbing against the ropes meaning that Gregory should’ve just been chucked outta the ring, Ric Flair’s body just started sliding back and Gregory just ended up face-down on the floor in the corner of the ring.
A prompt came up on the screen that demanded Twilight press all the buttons to get back up, which Twilight of course followed. This made absolutely no difference as Helms apparently thought it’d be a great idea to take a nap at this moment and refused to get up. Ric Flair approached Gregory’s feet and Gregory finally got to his hands and knees to try and get up, but then Ric stood over him and raked his fingernails down Gregory’s back causing him to howl in pain!
“What the hay did that guy just do?”
“I believe he clawed you with his elderly nails.”
“That’s it then. No more games!”
Gregory got back up and faced off against a perfectly still Ric Flair. Twilight guided her character into a run and he started going straight at her enemy! And then Gregory totally slipped by and tackled the referee and punched his face several times.
“Twilight, you missed!”
“No I didn’t.”
With the striped villain disposed of, Gregory went back over to Ric Flair and started to unleash a series of sick punches and elbow hits in conjunction with Twilight’s mashing of random buttons on the controller. But one blow appeared to be too many, and Ric Flair caught Helms’ fist. He then let go, opened his arms wide, and lifted Gregory Helms onto his shoulders like a fireman carrying a victim. And with the force of gravity at his side, Ric Flair dropped Gregory Helms onto the solid floor of the ring with a resounding crash! With the exhausted Helms on the ground, Ric delivered another back scratch with similar results as the last time. Gregory was on his feet from this soon enough, and so was the referee.
“Twilght Sparkle, the referee is not the bad guy in this. He’s not fighting you. Please don’t attack him again.”
It was too late, Twilight is in the zone now with vigor boiling inside her, although in reality that vigor was probably just indigestion. But anyways, Twilight forced Helms to deliver yet another running smackdown to the referee, pounding at his face again! And when her attack had finished, a bell was struck several times and the letters “DQ” Showed up in the middle of the screen and the game just stopped.
“I won?” Twilight then got the biggest grin ever on her face and was on her feet cheering. “I won!”
“No, you didn’t. You got disqualified.” Luna scooted away from the purple princess next to her who abruptly stopped with her gallivanting.
“Wait, huh? But I did the thing!”
“You’re not supposed to attack the referee.”
“But he was teaming up with the Flair guy!”
“No, Flair tried to throw him into you. Flair fights dirty like that.”
Twilight’s joy was sapped the instant defeat reached her. Had she known she had lost, it wouldn’t have been as big a deal, but this was messed up.
“Well, let’s try something else in this.” Luna said, trying to change the subject so that she won’t have to deal with a depressed Twilight for the second time this month. “There’s a create-a-wrestler mode in this game that is quite fun to use and is more extensive thanks to the modifications. Why not try that?”
“No.”
“Princess Sparkle?”
“No Luna. That’s it. Please turn this off. This game clearly isn’t for me. I think Rainbow Dash would like to play though.”
Luna indeed turned off the power to the system and was about to respond but her position on the floor was such that when she turned to Twilight she looked out the window and saw something that didn’t really fit.
“Twilight, you may be shocked to hear this but it’s nighttime.”
Twilight glanced at the window and her jaw just fell, and had it not been connected with tissue and muscle it would’ve bonked on the floor.
“But I just woke up!”
“I believe the game too longer to load up the match than I initially planned.”
“You’re telling me that I just spent a whole day playing this game?”
“My apologies, had I known I would have warned you.”
“Luna?”
“Yes Twilight?”
“Get out of my house.”
While this wasn’t the first time Twilight said that exact sentence to her, it was still rather disheartening. Still, Luna reasoned that it may be best to leave on good terms. “Very well. I’ll come by tomorrow to retrieve this equipment, since the day is over I must guard the night.”
Luna left the house and Twilight Sparkle retreated to her room. After the next day this will all be over.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 3: Video Games Suck. Literally.
So, this is totally not over. Twilight couldn’t fall asleep, her jimmies had been thoroughly rustled by that wrestling game and every time she closed her eyes she got flashbacks to her humiliating defeat. It didn’t help that apparently due to the summer drought, a large rainstorm was due and already in progress and the terrible sound of tree limbs snapping off and thunder booming was not the least bit relaxing.
With a bit more practice, she could’ve probably won. Plus, who knows what would’ve happened then? And there was also all those different things on the title screen, create modes, game modes, options, it was all so very intriguing! Now, the last time Twilight poked her nose in somepony else’s business, she could never look the same way at an apple ever again. But what’s the harm in playing a little bit more of the game, just for a little bit?
So Twilight descended from her bedroom and approached the contraption and studied it by the vague moonlight and brief flashes of brilliance from the lightning pouring through her windows. Several buttons were eminent on it, so she decided to press the one on the right most end and a light on the machine turned from red to green and it sprung to life with a dim yet continuous purr. The screen flickered a bit and she was met yet again with the screens of text which she promptly skipped thanks to the help of one controller that happened to have a magical x-button which made them all go away and expedient her passage.
The booming from the storm outside shouted over the pitter patter of rain splashing against her house, but she was oblivious to this as her gaze was transfixed on the screen and her goal set firmly in the sands of time. And so she was back to finally see the options she had available, and thought it best to explore should this game have some sort of easy setting or tutorial of sorts to help her understand the enigma that is wrestling. So she went to the game modes selection and was presented a number of alternatives, one of which being the most glaring titled “24/7 Mode” which promised to let her “live the life of a WWE Superstar and rise through the ranks to become the number 1 contender of the ring!” And so this option was taken.
It seems the clouds wanted a part of this action as well, because one such being of cumulous nature sent forth a bolt of electricity to strike the ground in front of Twilight’s house, charring it brilliantly to a radiating black. Channels and tendrils of magnetic resonance from this assault on the soil splintered to life and spread out before swiftly dying out, but they phased through much and had gone through both Twilight who was unharmed and even barely fazed, at least noticeably, by this and then through the television and game.
The console turned off and the television followed suit, much to Twilight’s sudden chagrin. Perhaps this was a sign to simply pass the time by reading a book in lieu of engaging on a possibly destructive path with video games. Twilight resigned to this and got up to head to the kitchen, for what is a good night of staying up and reading a book without snacks?
The moment she stepped in the kitchen she fell through a portal that had appeared just moments before she made her decision. Kids, this is why you have to re-tile every six to seven years.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 5: Meeting The Talent!
A number of wrestlers were gathered in the corridors, some were practicing on mats of thickened padding, others were collaborating on certain things they could do to improve the show. Twilight and Long approached one wrestler who happened to be at his leisure sitting on a steel chair with his face was hidden behind a comic book featuring a prominent hero in a gaudy green outfit.
“Yo Gregory, thinking about donning the green leotard again, huh?”
The man lowered his comic to reveal a youthful face with hair hidden under a skullcap and a chin covered in peachfuzz.
“Not really Teddy, I think I’m actually starting to build some groundswell without the Hurricane for right now. Who’s the new guy?”
“Gregory Helms, meet Twilight Sparkle, she’s gonna be our new contender for our roster.
“Sounds great, nice to meet you Twilight.” Gregory said, offering a hand out to her.
As she learned the last time she was in the human world, shaking hands was often the way humans greeted each other, although the last time she was here she actually had a hand with which to shake. Still, she used one of her forehooves to accomplish this feat.
“So you’re Gregory Helms? I have to say, you’re a lot friendlier than on the screen.” And a whole lot more responsive than when she was controlling him in video game form, evidentially.
“Hah, I’m a bit nerdier off the screen also. Huge Green Lantern fan. So Twilight, got anything special to bring to the table?”
“I don’t exactly have any plans to stay here long, I should really be getting home.”
“Well here’s hoping you can get trained, sounds like you got your work cut out for you for the next few weeks.”
“No, what I mean is I don’t plan on going on to this show that everybody keeps talking about.”
Gregory grinned at this. “I get it, everything on stage looks like it’ll hurt, not to mention all the concussions you can get. But trust me, everything here is professional, and getting hit with a pile-driver looks worse than it actually is.”
“Wait, so it doesn’t hurt?”
“Oh it hurts. It hurts like you’re hit with a literal pile driver. But, it’s still not as bad as you’d think.”
Twilight only cocked her head at this, as bailing on the situation would’ve been a little unfair given only one person’s testimony.
“Well, enough horror stories, thanks for the time Gregory.” Said Long, breaking the tension.
“Not a problem Teddy.”
Together, Long and Teddy approached another wrestler who was lifting a particularly large dumbbell which only fit his particularly large and almost cartoonishly muscular frame.
“Twilight, meet Mark Henry.”
Henry set down the weight with a reverberating ‘clunk’ that resounded through the building. With his now free hand, he offered it to Twilight who shook it and quickly understood he could probably reduce her entire hoof to dust with only minimal effort. Luckily they parted one another before this could remain immediately possible and he resumed to lifting the weight.
“Or, better known as Sexual Chocolate.”
The dumbbell snapped in two and both parts fell and left dents in the floor.
“I don’t think he likes that.” Twilight pointed out.
“No. I really don’t.” Henry said, glaring right at Long.
“Yo, it ain’t a thing. Now remember that time with Mae Young and the giant hand?”
“Theodore, I respect you. I thought we all had a silent agreement never to speak of that ever again.”
“A’ight, a’ight, sorry playa. I didn’t mean a thing by it, honest. Point is, Twilight, Mark here is a star and huge, if there’s one guy you don’t wanna be in the ring with it is him. Now, I don’t want you to make your choice of whether to go babyface or heel right now, but Mark here is a face so check yo’self ‘for you show up as a heel.”
Twilight took one look at the gigantic haunch of a shoulder that tapered out into a large sized hand and knew this was one thing she should not question. With this message loud and clear in Twilight’s rather frightened expression, Long ushered her to one more of the superstars present in the area who was busy doing push ups non-stop so that only the top of his slickback hair could be seen.
“Yo, Benoit!”
The man stopped at the height of one of his pushes and put one knee to the floor and knelt before the approaching general manager and pony. Sweat dripped off of his squared chin good looks and gathered to a point at his five-o-clock shadow face scruff. Had Twilight known of the ancient and forbidden lands of Canada, she would have correctly guessed his origins to such a realm.
“Hey there Teddy, whats up?”
“Check out the new rising superstar I got here!”
Chris looked around a bit he figured out his gaze was supposed to be pointed at the most unorthodox thing in the room.
“Are we shooting a promo here? You’re not talking about that purple horse, right?”
“Horse? Come on, the rookie might not have stirling good looks like yours truly,” Teddy said, flashing Benoit a sight at his pearly whites. “But he certainly ain’t any Sarah Jessica Parker.”
“No, I mean the literal purple painted horse standing waist height with the horn right next to you.” Benoit gestured at Twilight for effect. “I mean, is this for some kids charity thing I don’t know about?”
“Benoit, you are looking at a future champion of the WWE, and being a pretty big man yourself I think you can give the newbie here a few words of encouragement.”
Chris Benoit’s hand went to the back of his neck just to check that he hadn’t received a particularly brutal concussion as of late, and found it lucky that his skull was still intact.
“Um, sure. Twilight, was it? Wrestling is great and all but you have to remember that wrestlers like me and all the other guys at WWE are professionals so make sure you never do this stuff at home or else you can get seriously hurt or even killed. And if you want to make it to the top, you gotta make sure to drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and stay in school.”
Long let out a big laugh at this and even slapped at his knees. “Nice one, Benoit! But for reals, this ain’t a promo. So go ahead and give our new addition some actual advice.”
“Teddy, we’re talking about a literal, four legged, long face, big haired, some five-hundred pounds, horse with a horn glued to its head. Now, I’m starting to worry about you when you start talking about it like it’s a person.”
“Chris,” Teddy put his hands on Benoit’s shoulders and held him firmly. “Listen, you might not like the new kid but spend a little one-on-one with him and I’m sure you’ll get along just fine. When you two are done, just send him back to the locker room, a’ight?” Then he just left without even waiting for an answer, leaving behind one dumbstruck superstar and an equally confused violet alicorn.
Chris Benoit was just exasperated. But, hey, it’s not like it’s every day you get to hang out with a purple unicorn, right? So he turned to her and scratched his head in confusion as to what exactly to do.
“So uh, hey there. Good horsey.” He said, and began to run a hand through her mane. “You like apples?” At this point he believed himself an idiot to be talking to a horse who was not Mister Ed.
“Actually, since one of my friends works at an Apple Orchard I’m kinda trying to stay away from them whenever I can before I get sick of them.”
“Oh good god you talk.” Chris Benoit stepped back and then looked around. “Um, has anyone else heard you talk?”
“Well, yeah. I don’t see why that would be so surprising.”
“Are you even real?”
“I seem real enough to me at least.”
“Hold on for a moment, don’t go anywhere. I just want to make sure this isn’t a One Froggy Evening situation.” Benoit then took a few steps to a still perturbed Mark Henry and shouted “Hey Mark, you hear this thing talk?”
“By “thing” you mean the new guy? Yeah, although he pretty much let Teddy do most of the talking. He isn’t saying anything about me, is he?”
“No, no she isn’t.”
Mark Henry then went back to burying his face in his hands to block his eyes from his tragic past. He once pushed a tank during his stint as a powerlifter, but he can’t push away the memories of Sexual Chocolate.
Chris turned back to Twilight with renewed grip on his sanity. If Mark Henry says something is legit, even if it’s a talking horse, it’s generally good sense to take his word on it.
“Alright, so at least everybody else can hear you talk.”
“I wouldn’t say that. No matter how much I tell that Teddy guy I don’t want to be in Smackdown he just doesn’t seem to take no for an answer.”
“In all fairness, that’s Teddy for you. So are those wings and horn real too?”
“Of course.” Twilight fluttered out her wings a bit as a demonstration to back up her statement.
Chris Benoit was glad to have kept his distance from this odd creature. “Right on, that’s pretty cool. But I really think you shouldn’t be allowed to enter with those. I mean, I know a few guys who got their necks snapped already. Mark Henry shouldn’t even be wrestling right now, he’s got his leg all busted up. Last thing we need is people getting stabbed with that horn.”
“Exactly! I really don’t want to hurt anybody either. I just want to go home. You’re probably the first person here who actually even cares that I’m a pony.”
“Really? I’m pretty sure that’d be the first thing anybody would notice.”
“No, actually. Everybody’s been reacting like I’m just like one of them.”
“Twilight, believe it or not but this isn’t normal for wrestling. Anyways, let’s see about sending you back home, where are you from?”
“Well I come from Equestria. But the only portal I remember to get back home is at Canterlot High.”
“Equestria? Canterlot? Well I’ll try and look this stuff up, but for now you should probably lay low. In our world, purple horses with wings and horns are kind of a reason to get upset. It might take a little bit of time though.”
“Why’s that?”
“I have to consult my priest. I don’t know what to make of a situation where I’m talking to a winged and horned horse.”
Twilight shrugged this comment off, as she could empathize that her presence was rather unorthodox. At least Benoit was one of the few who showed some acknowledgement of this. “Thanks anyway, Chris Benoit. And if you can, please try and find it before Friday. I don’t want to be here when the Smackdown starts.”
“You’re probably the only thing on this planet that is ever going to say that.”
Author's Note
The Bring Back Benoit movement has initiated. And I brought back Benoit.
View Online
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 6: Can't Backdown From the Smackdown!
Never sleep in an improvised locker room that used to be a storage for cleaning supplies. Twilight should’ve learned this valuable lesson before she had the bright idea to lay her head on a pile of unsold WWE branded shirts and found herself waking up the next morning hugging a mop. A recently used mop. Of course, it’s not all that bad. She didn’t know it was the next morning after all, given that the room had no windows and there was constantly light pouring over the place from incandescent bulbs hanging from the ceiling.
Still, at least she had some sort of plan already in place to get back home. She already spent some several hours pouring over each of the walls and other architecture of the room to try and find out if there was some portal there, but it turns out there was no luck in this regard, only a bunch of holes that were dripping with some substance that quickly dried and left a distinct green stain against the wall. So her best bet was to try and go back home the same way she did last time.
And what luck it was that Chris Benoit appeared in the room with a rather discouraging look on his face. “Twilight” He said. “I got some pretty bad news.”
“What is it, Benoit?”
“I had my wife look this stuff up on the internet, on account she’s better with all this new tech they got, and it turns out none of these places exist. I mean, there’s a bunch of Equestrian centers.”
“Well that’s great! I can just go to there and probably find my way home.”
“It gets worse. As it turns out I don't think those are the kind of Equestrian places you’re talking about. Those are places where horses race and junk.”
“And I take it none of the horses there know the way back home either?”
“None of the horses there speak English, Twilight.”
Twilight rested her head against a wall. “So I guess I’m stuck?”
“Seems like it. And you should probably avoid the ring, maybe hide out in some abandoned place like a cave or a forest or Detroit. Because wrestling isn’t a game, you can get hurt.”
Twilight’s eyes flung opened and it seemed as though a light popped off in her head. “That’s it!” She said as she ran up to benoit and placed a hoof on his chest to emphasize her enthusiastic point. “Wrestling is a game! And if I’m going to have to go back home then I’m going to have to win it!”
“Twilight, I don’t follow any of this.”
“Look, if I can get to the top or whatever it is for wrestling, then I can probably go home!”
“That doesn’t make sense.” Chris Benoit took two seconds of his life to realize what he just said this to and then accompanied his statement with “Let’s do this.”
Author's Note
I once heard of a talking horse in real life who spoke perfect English but I couldn't schedule an interview with Mister Ed so he's never going to be featured unless by popular demand.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 7: A Very Benoit Training
Author's Note
The first half of this chapter may be skipped if you already know about the basics of professional wrestling. The rest explains why there is always a sledgehammer under literally every wrestling ring. Special appearance by Triple H.
Chapter 7: A Very Benoit Training
Twilight and Benoit gathered in the center of a wrestling ring in a grand auditorium with the only true spectators being the empty seats that surrounded them. Twilight was a bit wary of the canvas mat that they both stood on, but it appeared to be relatively stable enough for slamming and or jamming.
“Alright, so let’s learn you some of the basics. The goal of professional wrestling for the majority of scenarios is to either pin your opponent or get them to submit. You pin a person by keeping their shoulders to the mat of the ring for a three count as prescribed by the referee. Your opponent can submit by tapping out or essentially giving up, usually because of a very painful maneuver that is inflicted on them that they can’t escape. In both these situations, you should try and do it in the center of the ring as much as possible and away from the ropes, because if they touch them then you gotta release them. Got it?”
“Got it.”
Chris Benoit nodded with a sense of appreciation as an instructor. “Good, and however you achieve your victory is up to you.”
“Thanks. This actually sounds sort of easy. I mean, how hard can it be to pin or submit someone?”
“It’s harder than you’d think. You would not believe how many times a guy can get powerbombed through a table covered in barbed wire before he’d be willing to let himself lose. That’s why you gotta be able to take your opponent down with all sorts of really creative moves. I’ll teach you one that’ll be super effective. It’s called the German Suplex.”
“Alright, I”m listening.”
“So what you wanna do is get behind your opponent and grab them by the waist. Then you lift them up, fall backwards, and slam them onto the mat. This way, they might be stunned long enough for you to pin them at the same time.”
“And that’s it?”
“That’s it. You’ll have to tire them out first, but it’s a huge game changer. Silent but violent, that’s the power of the German Suplex.”
“Sounds really effective.”
“Another move that’ll be key to victory is the Irish Whip. Now, you’ve got four legs so this might be a problem though. The Irish Whip is when you grab a guy by the arm and throw a him into the ropes or into the turnbuckle.” Benoit went over to one of the corners of the rings where the ropes from two sides connected. “From the turnbuckle you can get a huge payoff by doing moves you can’t do anywhere else in the ring, I’m talking high risk maneuvers that can make or break a wrestler. Just make sure they make you and break the other guy.”
“Thanks Benoit, this was a great help. I think I got a good grip on this.”
“Not a problem. They’ll be setting you up against a few jobbers anyways so you’ll have time to practice both in and out of the ring for the next few weeks.”
“I thought I was going against wrestlers?”
“Oh, a jobber is basically a lame wrestler. You know, like MVP. So there shouldn’t be a huge problem.”
“Okay, got it. Also, what’s a face and a heel? Everybody’s been saying things like that around here and I don’t think they’re talking about heads and ankles.”
“A face is short for babyface, which means a wrestler who’s earned the appreciation of the crowd. They fight clean and they win clean. Heels are your typical bad guys, and they lie, cheat, and steal to try and win a match.”
“Sounds simple enough, bad guys versus good guys. And for my last question, who is that next to the ring?” Twilight pointed with a hoof to some guy with tendrils of hair pouring forth from his head who appeared to be fiddling with something next to the ring.
Chris Benoit turned around and crossed his arms disapprovingly, as though the man disturbing this little practice were some child. “Hey Helmsley, what’re you up to?”
Triple H practically jumped at this and looked back up. “Oh uh, you know. Admiring the stage.”
“You’re not even supposed to show up this week. Come on friend, what’s the deal?”
Triple H just kicked some leftover sticky popcorn on the floor and held his hands behind his back. “I dunno.”
“Triple H, you’re not setting up a trap for Vince McMahon again, are you? Remember what happened last time and everybody couldn’t look at Chyna the same way again?”
“No no no!” Hunter Hearst Helmsley protested. “I was just, y’know, putting sledgehammers under the ring.”
At first, Chris Benoit looked at Twilight and saw a face that was as equally as confused as his, if not more so given that she was a pony. As such, he accepted that what he heard was indeed true and decided to follow up. “Why are you hiding sledgehammers under the ring?”
“Don’t judge me, okay? Some wrestlers do drugs, some have anger issues, some beat their wives, I sneak hammers under wrestling rings. Besides, what are you doing here?” Triple H held up an accusatory finger at the Canadian and his pony compatriot. “Trying to sneak attack some of the new blood?”
“Actually,” Twilight interjected “We’re just training.”
“Well ain’t that peachy keen?” Triple H said in as sarcastic a manner he could, which just came out as some disgruntled yelling grumble. “Feel free to use any of the weapons I stashed under the ring, just make sure you do it when the ref’s not looking or else you’ll get DQ’d!”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Twilight said, although she clearly hadn’t the intentions to use a weapon. “Thanks for the help.”
Triple H just skulked off towards the backstage as Twilight and Benoit watched him go away.
“So who was that?”
“That there, Twilight, is one of the more influential men in the WWE, and if everything with Steph and him is true he may be running the company in the place of McMahon. A legend they call him, and he’s earned that right several times over. He may be full of it, but if you look between the lines you can find kernels of wisdom founded upon years of experience. So try not to let him get to you.”
Twilight nodded at this and they both squared off.
“Alright, now let’s see what you learned.”
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 8: Twilight Vs. Gregory Helms!
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 9: Something is Seriously Wrong With Chris Benoit's World
Twilight found herself back in the locker room and resting up after that last match. It was certainly shorter than she expected, but to her luck she had a natural ability to cheat. Just like Eddie Guerrero. Still, she wasn’t without her marks and she made a mental note to apologize for any that she may have left on Helms. Sure, he was a muscular guy but a few stamps with hooves should’ve left at least a couple prints.
She was going to catch some rest to try and rehabilitate, but the speakers throughout the building barked out the outcomes of various matches kept her awake. However it was through these obtrusive constructions that she was able to hear about how Benoit had just crushed some other wrestler named MVP, which was comforting as it was good to hear how one of her new friends here was at least doing well.
And it was not long after the announcement of Benoit’s victory that he knocked on the door and entered the room.
“Twilight, I think something is seriously wrong with either me or this world.”
Twilight hopped up excitedly due to the sudden intrusion of Chris Benoit who was seemingly unscathed from his recent bout in the ring.
“Well it’s nice to see you too. Congratulations on the match.”
“No, please don’t congratulate me. I mean it, I’m not being humble either, I feel like I cheated.”
“What happened? Did you use a weapon or something?”
“Not this time. Today’s match was really weird. So I get in the ring and square off against MVP, right?”
Twilight nodded, signifying that she was indeed following the story.
“Alright, so the bell rings and he just stands there like a dunce, starring in the air at my general direction without exactly looking at me. It was freaky, like he was a robot or something. No wrestler acts that way, they do that and they’re just asking for a bashed brain.”
“Actually, Benoit, that happened to me also. Gregory Helms just looked dead inside.”
“Yeah, but it gets a bit weirder. So I Irish Whipped him out of the ring, and he took a full eight seconds to get up. At the start of the match! Then, he just walks up all casually and ends up getting timed out. I swear, first thing in the match and I end up winning almost right away because he’s acting like some kinda pod person!”
“Now, I don’t know much about your world, but are you sure MVP isn’t in fact a pod person?”
“Twilight, I’m pretty sure the pod people, if they existed, wouldn’t bother with a guy like MVP. I don’t even think he’ll live past his contract. He’s like the omega jobber. When he showed up, the crowd hated him so much they just started chanting the Power Ranger’s theme song.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a little harsh?”
“I’d like to think I’m being generous and even he acknowledges his full jabroni-ness.”
“Well in that case shouldn’t it be expected that he’d be totally inactive?”
“You’d think that, but I know Montel Vontavious Porter, and he may be a jobber but he’s at least capable of moving and doing slams. He isn’t wearing that goofy looking athlete's gear for nothing after all.”
“Well I guess this is a little strange. But then again, a lot’s pretty strange, right?”
Chris Benoit looked again that he was indeed having a rather intelligent conversation about the highs and lows of his fellow professional wrestlers with a horse. He could only nod in agreement with Twilight’s statement.
“I’ll have to see if this was just an isolated incident to force me to build heat, or if this is rampant throughout the WWE. You keep an eye out too Twilight, it’s going to be kind of hard to win without cheating now.”
“That I’ll try.”
He was about to leave before turning back to her with another peculiarity of the night. “By the way, I swore I saw Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross at the announcer’s table, but they weren’t saying their names. You opened this gig tonight, so do you remember them saying their names?”
“Sorry, I don’t think they did.”
“Alright. Well thanks for the help, have a good night Twilight.”
Chris Benoit then silently apologized for his abrupt appearance with a nod of shame and left the room, leaving Twilight to try and get some sleep over the sound of the slowest wrestlers ever being announced.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 10: Create-a-Wrestler: Kenny The Boatmaster
Author's Note
As is the case with almost all good wrestling video games, this game comes with a dubious Create-A-Wrestler mode. This of course means that not only will the professional wrestlers as featured in the game will be included, but almost anyone and anything can be featured too!
Also, if you don't know who Kenny is, he just so happens to be a character from the critically acclaimed Walking Dead: Season 1 video game as made by Telltale.
Chapter 10: Create-a-Wrestler: Kenny The Boatmaster
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we got a real treat for tonight. The rising superstar Twilight Sparkle has been issued a formal challenge and is currently in the ring awaiting the appearance of a surprise guest. I’m Jim Ross.”
“And I’m Jerry ‘the king’ Lawler. And you’re watching a special event here tonight! And as a little treat given our new challenger, we thought it would only be appropriate to have a special assistant commentator for the occasion. Allow me to introduce: Oranges!”
The nine-year old girl next to him looked rather disgruntled at this, at least from what little of her face could be seen beneath her over-sized baseball cap. “Clementine.”
“Yeah, Clementine. Clementine, why don’t you tell us a bit about your friend, and do you think he’s going to do good against Twilight here tonight?”
“Well, we were living with a group of people, but bad things happened.” Clementine looked down and twiddled with her thumbs nervously. Her voice became fractured and she closed her eyes to help fight back tears. “But even then, the couldn’t really fight. He couldn’t even punch an old man who wanted to kill Duck. I really don’t want anybody to fight though, especially not the pretty horse. We should be friends because friends don’t fight.”
Jerry Lawler looked with sympathy to the poor little girl next to him. It was plain that she had been through a lot in her short life. Jim Ross, however, probably didn’t care because his ten-gallon hat was cutting off the circulation to his brain which caused him to say “Well that doesn’t bode too well for the challenger. But enough talk, here he comes! The Boatmaster: Kenny!”
A man with messy hair that curled at the ends shoved underneath a trucker cap came out onto the ramp with the most anguished look on his biker-stash face as he just ran up to the stage and quickly got up on the wrestling mat with a mic in hand.
He looked around a bit as the pain grew to anger. “What have any of you done for my family?!” He shouted to the entire crowd, looking with special intensity at his family’s pediatrician that was sitting in the front row. Then, he looked right at Twilight and got even more red in the face with fury. “What have you done for my family? You’re a horse, you don’t even know me! Where’s my boat?”
Twilight was confused and so she backed away. It’s not like she thought she couldn’t take him, it’s just that it’s very clear he’s insane or evil. Probably both.
“Wow JR, that is some real indignation emanating from the challenger.” Jerry Lawler was keeping a close eye on the monitors at the announcing table which gave him a clear view of the two wrestlers.
“Yeah, I’d be angry too if I worked as a fisherman for a living.”
“Actually he never went fishing. In fact he just seems to like boats.” Clementine uttered quietly.
JR stood up in surprise and pointed right at a surprising turn of events. “There he goes, he’s launching with the first attack!”
Kenny lunged at Twilight and began pounding on her face with all the fury he had. Twilight responded by trying not to get hit in her giant eyes. It probably still wouldn’t have hurt, because Kenny was hitting her so pathetically, but still.
She really didn’t want to hurt him badly, but it was clear he needed a nap. So with passed down knowledge from Fluttershy after her days of babysitting, Twilight climbed the turnbuckle while still under the ineffective assault of Kenny and prepared for the body splash.
Kenny miraculously saw this and backed up to await her from the center of the ring. Twilight jumped with all legs spread out so that she would minimize damage when she hit, but this damage transferred onto herself when she hit the empty center of the ring.
“And there Kenny goes, misdirecting that high-risk maneuver and now his opponent is stunned!” Sure, the match was at a snails pace so far but even Jerry Lawler found himself getting pumped.
Kenny hopped on out of the ring and began searching frantically under the fabric skirt.
“Look at that, he’s going for a weapon!”
Kenny pulled out from under the ring a giant mineral block reminiscent of a concrete cube with grips dug out on the sides of it and hoisted it over his head.
“He’s got the salt lick!”
Clementine saw this and then broke out into a huge bout of crying. Jerry Lawler saw this and comforted the poor girl by putting an arm around her.
“Hey there kid, it’s okay. You don’t have to watch if you don’t want.” He fished in his pocket and pulled out some loose change. “Here, go get yourself something from the snack stand, okay?”
JR smacked Jerry right across the back of the head. “What do you think you’re doing?” Jim Ross then handed Clementine a twenty dollar bill. “Here, this’ll get you a handful of popcorn. They really jack the prices up like water during a drought.”
Clementine took the bill reluctantly and then quickly ran off whilst wiping tears from her eyes.
Back in the match, things were really picking up. Kenny was having trouble with the saltlick, but conjured up all the rest of his strength to hurl it into the ring with his full force! It landed only on the edge of the inside of the ring because, as it turns out, Kenny never had that much strength.
He then went inside the ring just as Twilight was getting up and started kicking her in the ribs. “What did you ever do for my family?!”
He went back to the saltlick and hoisted it back up.
“Oh God folks, it seems the boatmaster is going to deliver the Larry Special!”
“This could be it Jim, a promising career cut short. But wait, what’s this?” The attention of the crowd was drawn on a wrestler who had just appeared. “What does this person think they can do? They’re so tiny!”
“Wait Jerry, I think it is-”
“You’re right, it is-”
And in unison, the star commentator team stood up and cheered the name of the new arrival. “It’s Clementine!”
Clementine ran up to stop the markup of Kenny’s body count by rushing up to him, head first, and nailed him right in the groin. Kenny doubled over in pain and the saltlick flew behind him and out of the ring.
“A low blow headbutt! I never even seen a bull do that kinda move, and I’ve seen a lotta bulls in my day!”
“You know, I thought Clementine was Kenny’s friend, but it seems she changed and now she’s turning face!”
Twilight was astounded at her protector, but she knew by now the world was full of unexpected surprises.
Clementine took advantage of the disabled Kenny and hooked an arm around the back of his neck and put the squeeze on him.
“It’s the headlock folks, Clementine seems to be choking him out!”
“Jim, I think we’re about to see a miracle this night.”
“The heck do you mean? I mean, suffocating your opponent is the most boring way to win!”
“No Jim, look!”
Clementine had the attributes that Kenny lacked, the power of the heart, the strength of character, and the pureness of the mind. And with these powers combined, she used her free hand to grab hold of Kenny’s belt and lifted him vertically while keeping him in the headlock.
Another in-unison shout erupted from not only the announcer’s table but also the entire crowd. “SUPLEX!” And the roars from the spectators shook the entire foundations of the arena.
Twilight rolled out of the way as Clementine fell back and slammed Kenny down on the mat with enough force to rumble the ring. She crawled over him, kept his shoulders to the ground, and pinned him.
The referee in his blue shirt suddenly appeared and started slapping the mat. “One, two, three!”
Clementine got off of the villainous boatmaster and started jumping about in her victory. She was soon cut short when the real wrestler, Twilight Sparkle approached her with a look of dedication to her work. She then smiled and lifted Clementine up onto her back using magic and gave her a ride around the ring at a trotting pace. For Clementine, it was one of the best days ever.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 11: A Meeting with the Big McMahon
So the weekend came and went without a problem, and Twilight remained in her soiled room for the entirety of it, bored out of her mind. She may not have gone to many closets in her life aside from her own, and so maybe it was foolish to assume that this paltry supply room might’ve had at least one collection of ancient tomes like her closet at home. And what’s worse is that she has to still endure the fact that she has no idea how many more fights she’ll have to get in so she can finally break out of this stupid world.
But then came Monday and a knock followed by a familiar Canadian voice came to the door. “Hey Twilight, mind if I come in?”
“Sure, I’m in the middle of making a creme brûlée right now, so give me a minute.” She jested.
Chris Benoit joined Twilight in the room with that same big grin on his face as she so rarely saw. “Heh, seems like you’re learning sarcasm here. I’m not sure how the other wingicorns will feel about that.”
“We had sarcasm in Equestria, Benoit. So did you find out anything else?”
“No dice, kid. Sorry. But chin up, you know, you’ll find a way.”
“Yeah, I guess. Well how much longer until I get to the top?”
“Ah, you still got a ways to go. The way I figure it is that if you make it to Wrestlemania and win your match, something’s gotta happen probably.”
“You think so?”
Chris Benoit gave her a look of sincerity. “Twilight, you exist. I stopped thinking a while ago about this kinda thing.” He then juttered his head a little as a new thought popped into his head. “Wait a minute, you’re a woman, right? I mean like a female horse.”
“You mean a mare, and yes. Why?”
“Then you should be in the diva league! That should make things a bit on the easier side on account that there doesn’t look like there’s a whole bunch of competition. I mean, I checked the roster recently and it’s been cut pretty bad.”
“Really? Can I take a look at it?”
“Yeah, no problem. Here, I’ll show you on your laptop here.” Chris Benoit said. He got on his knees next to the folded out steel chair that had the laptop on it and quickly got it booted up. “Sorry if I take a while, I can only do so much with a computer. All I really know is how to go to the WWE website and email. Trust me, you’ll need to get used to email.”
“I’ll take your word on that.” Twilight’s eyebrow raised as she watched Benoit watch the almost mystical device.
“Alright, here you go. Also you can view the Power 25, see your popularity, and I saw recently that they somehow managed to put on stats for all wrestlers on here. It’s probably more for the fans than anyone else, but seems fair enough.”
“Wait, what stats?”
“Strength, speed, mic skills. That sort of thing.” A few keystrokes and Chris Benoit managed to pop up Twilight’s own measurements. “And apparently, they think a lot less of you.”
Twilight looked on the screen and saw that her skills were very low, well rounded but still 30 out of 100. “Wait, but this can’t even be right! I mean, didn’t they see last match?”
“I guess it’s not based on that. Just wait for a few more matches and they’ll probably have it up to speed. Although that’s not nearly as surprising as this.” Chris Benoit pointed to the right corner of the screen which showed what was clearly labeled as ‘Weekly Pay.’
“Huh, Two Thousand? That actually doesn’t sound that bad. Although they said that they were going to give me my final salary at the end of HEAT.”
“Twilight, two thousand is actually really low for us. You’re getting ripped off.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. So we should talk to Vince about fixing this and maybe getting you in the Diva league.”
“Alright, no problem!”
So Twilight the purple unicorn and the Chris Benoit the Canadian Crippler both took to the halls of the great coliseum which for all intents and purposes was that same as last time, yet had different posters strewn about the halls. And, given that it’d be best to pass the time with chat, Twilight thought to remark on this.
“Wow, seems like you guys changed the decor a bit.”
“Yeah, every stadium has their own little things to it. I don’t mind the touches put in by these guys though, they’re not that bad.”
“Wait, what do you mean?”
“What do you mean what do I mean? We’re in New Orleans, so its no wonder they got all this stuff up.”
“But we were in Virginia Beach just last week?”
“Yeah, what about it?” Chris Benoit then mustered up his best Northern accent for his next sentence. “Well I must say, were you perchance disturbed by all the excelling hippodromatic races occuring?”
Twilight couldn’t really understand why but smiled politely at this attempt at humor. “Not at all. But I’m saying I don’t remember traveling from Virginia Beach to New Orleans. Then again, they could be right next to each other for all I know.”
Benoit skipped a step like a dunce but got back his footing before adopting a quizzical look. “The hell? Twilight, those two places are miles away. Are you telling me you just teleported or whatever to here?”
“I mean, the room is literally exactly the same as I left it when I was asleep yesterday. So I can’t say.”
“Jeez.” Benoit scratched the back of his neck and tried to think this through. “So first you appear, then everybody starts acting like robots, and now teleporting?” Chris chuckled and attempted to liven the situation. “Jinkies, looks like we got a mystery on our hands.”
“Jinkies?”
“Yeah, you know, like” He would’ve continued but he saw the horn bobbing next to him and heard the hooves tapping on concrete and thought better than to explain it. “Forget it, we’re here anyways.”
“Great, let’s go in!”
“Wait, you hear that?”
They both shut their traps and pointed their ears at the door. It was more than what was necessary, considering the yelling from inside was loud and clear.
“Yeah, well you can suck it, dillweed!” Shouted a voice that slammed the door right into the wall next to it. And attached to this voice was the face of a man with a filthy blonde mustache and beard combo that was the only follicle accompaniment to his otherwise bald head. “Get the hell outta my way, jerkass!” He turned to Twilight and shoved her with both hands a good yard away.
“Hey Austin!” The ire of the bald giant was earned by none other than the proclaimer of this message: Chris Benoit. Austin turned to face this “Lighten up buddy, we aren’t trying to start anything.”
“Oh, oh really?” Austin whipped out his signature finger right at Benoit’s face. The middle one, raised to the sky. “Lighten up this, I’m sta- AH! GAWD DAMNIT!”
Austin’s sudden break in speech was prompted by Benoit grabbing his finger and bending it in a way that it was not supposed to go. “Just settle down, Steve!”
Austin punched Benoit in the nose and knocked him away and the two men began to grapple at one another. Although this confrontation was shortened as Benoit threw Austin to the side and raised his Canadian dukes. “Go to hell, Benoit!”
“You’re finger is fine, just get out of here!” Benoit shouted as Twilight got back up and took a stand next to him. Austin may be madder than anything else, but he sure isn’t stupid enough to tangle with Benoit and another professional wrestler. And so without another sentence Austin just stomped his way down the hall and away from the duo.
“Are you okay?” Twilight asked and turned to Benoit whose face was showing the early signs of a bruise.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about that, Austin’s not even supposed to be here. He used to be a great guy, good performer, but now he’s a prick. And I guess now, as always, he’s drunk.”
“Actually, our mutual friend down there has just signed back on.” Another voice from the door, this one a lot more comforting in southern twang and stern manner. They both turned to see a well middle aged man with a body of chiseled muscle stuffed in a tweed suit.
“Really? I mean, I see that’s a great idea, Vince, but shouldn’t he go to counseling or something?”
Vince McMahon smiled at this concept and stepped aside. “Please, step into my office.” He ushered the two into his makeshift estate complete with a fine mahogany desk with his name on a placard serving as the sole decoration. “And besides, Austin is like a kid from the ghetto. I let him near a counselor and he’ll throw a punch at them. I just gotta keep him off the streets and away from literally anything. Heck, I’d keep him in a cage if it meant he’d stop raising hell wherever he goes.”
Vince first sucked in his lips before opening his mouth as wide as possible with an erupting laughter that soon turned into a wheezing gasp for air between chuckles. “Haha! Chris, why you gotta say that? I swear, between Austin pissing me off and your grade A joke, I think even my strong heart almost gave out!” Wiping tears of joy from his eyes, he looked up to see an unflinching couple of wrestlers. “Oh. Wait, you’re telling me we had some kind of Juwanna Mann situation? Chris, if you need glasses you can just tell me, I won’t penalize you for it or anything.”
“Actually Chris is right.” Twilight pointed out. “I’m a mare, I really shouldn’t be doing this if I’m supposed to be with the other lady wrestlers.”
“Really?” An eyebrow was raised on the hardened face of McMahon. “I like it. But, listen here, save that angle for when you get popular. And by that, I mean legend worthy. Honestly, the world isn’t ready for a wrestler with your views and lifestyle, yet. But if you make it to legend-status, that might help. Until then, I don’t want to hear any more of this “you want to be a diva” talk anymore. Understood?”
“But Mister McMahon” Twilight tried to protest but was soon interrupted.
“I’m not in the habit of repeating myself.” Stated Vince in a clearly darker tone.
Twilight decided it was best to bite her lip. This man,was one who exuded respect. “Yes sir. I understand.”
“Good. Now, I hope you can make it to the end of HEAT so we can decide if you’re ready for the big leagues. Now unless there’s anything else, goodbye.”
Both Twilight and Benoit left the room and so the meeting among these brilliant minds was cut short.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 12: Twilight's Resolution to Victory
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 13: Create-a-Wrestler: Pac-Man
Author's Note
For our create-a-wrestler today, please prepare yourself for his ring entrance music by finding probably any remix of the original Pac-Man theme. It really doesn't matter which one.
Chapter 13: Create-a-Wrestler: Pac-Man
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Friday Night Smackdown, I’m your host Jim Ross.”
“And I’m Jerry ‘the King’ Lawler.”
“And we got ourselves another new contender ready to challenge the rising star Twilight Sparkle. What’s can you tell us, Jerry?”
“Well our new guy is a bit of a young fellow, having been around since 1980, but he says he’s been chewing ghosts since he was born so he’s got himself some experience.”
“What a load of bullcorn! If there were true I would’ve seen him beating on Macho Man Randy Savage or Hulk Hogan back in those days.”
“Well in all fairness his existence was probably quelled on account of his crippling drug addiction. They say that thanks to these power pellets he could take on four guys who could normally kill him with one touch.”
“Really? Well did we get ourselves an interview with him?”
“Yes and no. All he did during it was eat an entire serving bowl full of cherries and speak some strange incomprehensible dead language. I think it was Russian.”
“Eating large bowls of food and not speaking English? This guy trying to follow up on Yokozuna?”
“Well maybe, I mean Pac-Man certainly is a rather round character. But we couldn’t get him on the scale.”
“Oh, a shy fellow we got here?”
“No, I mean it was literally impossible to get him on the scale. Look, you can see why right now!”
Approaching the ring was a large near perfect geometrical shape which was only marred by two pure ebon eyes and a gaping maw that it opened as it moved. Inside was revealed the innards of this feared creature, a void of which seemed to suck in the very existence before it into nothing. And the frightening noise that came from his ever large mouth was the dreadfully guttural and electronic “Wacka wacka wacka wacka.”
Twilight, meanwhile, was in the ring just looking at this langolier abomination and was already backing into the ropes away from it. She has seen dragons, manticores, hydras, and Sweetie Belle’s cooking, but it was this strange Pac-Man that she feared.
Pac-Man hovered his way into the ring, and even the referee was starting to wig out, but nevertheless he ushered Twilight to come closer for a proper square off. She was wary, but under obligation to treat even this monster as another wrestler she trotted forth until the they were a decent distance from one another.
The bell rang, and it was official, the match was on!
Immediately Pac-Man got a head start and pounced on Twilight Sparkle and engulfed her head within his epic abyss.
“Such dirty fighting! I’ve never seen any other wrestler eat their opponent’s head! I’m sorry, folks, for the tragic end you’re all about to see.”
“Not so fast JR! Look at that!”
Twilight began prying apart the jaw with her hooves, managing to keep her head from being chomped off. She couldn’t manage to spread it too far, but with a bit of squeezing she popped her head out of the mouth and swiftly changed her grip to the top and bottom half of the Pac-Man and slammed him shut! Had he teeth they would’ve been broken. And then with a toss, she hurled the ball-like creature into one of the turnbuckles!
“The tables have turned, and you can just feel the impact of that Irish Whip!”
“It looks like Twilight is going to follow up! Look at that wrestler go!”
Indeed, Twilight already ran right up to the Pac-Man in the corner and slammed him with a good one-two kick from her rear hooves, dazing the destructive demon. And to finish up the match, she grappled as best she could the spherical form and slammed it behind her. However the referee, who could clearly see one wrestler was in the prime position, wasn’t even starting with the three count. It was only then that she realized that there was virtually no way she could win.
“Oh no! What the hay is this, he has no shoulders! I can’t pin him! This is not right!”
While Twilight was royally wigging out, Pac-Man used the disturbed thoughts to his advantage and started to hover off of the ground. Twilight, being a horse, was much too heavy to be lifted off though, and so this attempted escape only earned her attention.
“Oh no you don’t, there’s more than one way to win!”
And so with another Irish Whip, she hurled the living ball out of the ring right onto the padded ground outside.
“Now I reckon that was a hard landing! Good thing he don’t look the least bit stunned from that!” Howled out JR
“Yeah, and it’s pretty obvious Twilight noticed that too. Watch out!”
Twilight hopped over the ropes and slammed her entire body out belly-first onto the Pac-Man, essentially crushing him.
“You see that JR? That there is a body splash, and there’s no way Twilight’s opponent is getting up any time soon after that.”
And that was the case. A count out began, and both Twilight and the enigmatic Pac-Man remained outside the ring with Twilight holding him down.
“Look at that, he’s trying to get a count out like a jerk!”
“Hey, settle down there JR, a win’s a win, and considering the referee is blind in the ring I wouldn’t put this sort of strategy outta the way.”
“Good people paid good money to see a real fine show, so excuse me if I think they might feel a little ripped off.”
When the referee got to eight, Twilight hurried off Pac-Man and ran back into the ring, this didn’t reset the count and that was exactly what Twilight intended.
Pac-Man wasn’t far behind though, and he was soon up on his. . . Well he didn’t have any legs but he was off of the floor and hurried his way back to the ring.
“Lookit that folks, despite that devastating strike the contender is up and trying to get back in the ring!” JR pointed out.
Pac-Man was at the ropes, and once he gets back in the ring he could try and turn the tables. No, not try, do. He conquered ghosts, he has a family, and he teamed up with Billy Mitchell to face a nigh endless onslaught. He could take on a stupid horse.
And then Twilight ran right at him from inside the ring, went into a slide and kicked him right over the barricade and into the audience! All of course before he could get inside the ring proper. And it was not long after that when the referee finally hit ten and the bell rang.
“And there you have it, the winner is Twilight Sparkle by disqualification. But what a disqualification that was!”
“You got that right King, it’s not often you see such a huge blow like that. And when it happens, even the folks at home can feel it!”
Pac-Man was defeated, like many times before. And like the many times he has been beaten, he knows he will get back up and better, but that will be for another time. For now, he couldn’t go on for any longer. But he would leave this world with at least a modicum of a goodbye, and in his native tongue. So with a final opening of his mouth, he let escape one final sentence.
“Whoob whoob whoob wub.”
His top and bottom half split backwards as the gaping nothingness formerly within gave way to the natural world and it continued like this until he was little more than a simple two dimensional line existing in space. And then with a blink, there was nothing.
Pac-Man is one creepy jerk.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 14: Create-a-Wrestler: Jerry The Predator
“I’m the boss of this city!” Roared the mighty warrior. I was, and still am, that great terror that haunted those who were either inspired or remembered me. I stood tall atop that statuesque titan that rivaled if not surpassed the Colossus of Rhodes himself. In my hand at that time was the trophy of the former monstrosity Hunter Borgia, shunned by his own mother as nothing but a stunted weakling, even with the advantage of my own power. From his derived life-force, I drew upon the very face of this statue the symbol that unites mighty Yautja like myself, the statement expressed from many worlds over, the emblem of my clan.
My mission was complete, my dishonor avenged, and an end to the foolish prey whose ancestors thought they could betray my mercy without consequence. All that was left was to take the ship I was provided to obtain my blood recompense and leave this world, to pursue other conquests.
Of course, I just HAD to have the ship hover over the statue’s head so that I could pull off a sick jump onto my spacecraft and leave in style, in case girls were watching. Especially Tina from college, if she could see me then she would be totally into me. But it was raining at that time, and let’s just say rain plus a smoothly made shuttle with no edges to grab onto is not the best thing to jump on. Plus I think I was pretty hammered at the time, cus I think those samurai I teamed up with at the time had colorful hair and that’s just something I totally I wouldn’t see unless I’m drunk. Anyways, I slipped and fell right off. This wouldn’t be a problem, but the auto-pilot I had set was already heading to my homeworld and so all I could do was fall. And fall. And, well, I tried flying but the stupid fishnets and metal armor I was wearing weren’t helping me much.
Anyways, after that I went through a portal, which I haven’t questioned in depth as it ensured that I didn’t die in a very lame way. If I died by just going “ker-splat!” on the pavement, I would’ve never gone to the prom with Tina. After going through a portal I ended up in the streets of New Way City, and after seeing a bunch of people wearing filthy jackets, rollerblades, and playing Gameboys, I knew I was in a much worse time. I was in the 1990’s on Earth.
Now is the year 2007 for these humans, and in my hand I hold no such trophy. I haven’t for some time now. In its place was a yellow bottle of sauce, that I squirted onto some disturbing foodstuffs and handed to a patron who ate it all too gladly. Man, when Uncle Phil told me that I had to do this, I never thought I’d have to do it even in the past! So I can’t get back home, I’m stuck on Earth, and thanks to a set of Groucho Marx glasses I am totally camouflaged among the humans.
I didn’t go to Predator College for this. I swear, I thought Bull-Tusks was being just a butthead when he shoved that nerd against the locker, but he’s totally right. Humans are lame. I should’ve ended up back in Predator College to help my younger self, but I suppose I did alright with that cyan quadrupedal avian to help me out. I wonder what happened to her.
Wait, what was I doing? Oh, crud, a customer!
“Hello Sir, what may I get you today?” I played on my wrist-bound communicator in collage of voices I picked up over time. I mean, I could’ve just said it to him, my English at this point is pretty good, but the last time I did that some guy just assumed I was speaking Spanish.
“Shut it pal.” He said, holding up a finger to me. Oh how I’d like to just snap that off and shove it right up his ear. Of course the only thing on his ear right now was one of those stupid looking bluetooths they got nowadays. “The hell do you mean he won’t show up, his catchphrase is ‘For pony!’ for crying out loud! If the fans, and every other idiot want to think Twilight Sparkle is a horse, then we should get him to fight against someone else horse-related!”
What I heard was dim, but distinct. “I’m sorry Mister McMahon, but this Richard guy just won’t show up, he says that he doesn’t want to be associated with the evils of WWE.”
“We got the show tonight, and you failed me! I can’t just throw in someone from our current stable, they’re selling too hard right now and they can’t stop! Who the hell am I going to get to replace them?”
“Hello Sir-” I played again, to an even more hostile response.
“Hey, I’ll tell you my order when I’m good and ready, got it?” This time he actually caught a pretty good glimpse at me and once he did that he started to size me up. “Hey buddy, how’d you like to make a hundred bucks?”
It feels good to get back in the saddle again, so goes the human expression. Surprisingly, metal parts and fishnet stockings are a common thing among the various wrestling gear that I had to choose from, and it was not long before I looked the same as I was back in New Wave City, back when I had both my eyes that is. Although I’m a bit surprised how accurate the replica mask I found looked like my personal one, although it seems to be purely for cosmetics as its visual device is merely a piece of stained glass. It blocks my image a bit, but at least I can still see in plain jane red.
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Friday Night Smackdown! I’m your host Jerry ‘the king’ Lawler.” I heard from the speakers. After the introduction, I would have to just walk up and subjugate some enemy without killing them and I can make a cool hundred. I see nothing to interrupt this.
“And I’m Jim Ross. So Jerry, feel good about being able to open up this time?”
“I’m actually regretting it, I can feel my good looks slipping away. I guess going second was what was keeping me looking real nice, and opening it wasn’t exactly a good idea.”
“Well hey now, do I sense a little hostility? Now is that from how you and our upcoming challenger for the night share a first name?”
“Hey, you’d take offense to that too. I mean, you can be likened to Jim Jones, a really charismatic guy. All I got is some doofus without a tangible work history who smells like hotdog water.”
“Alright, simmer down there Jerry. Anyways, today here we have the one, the only, Jerry The Predator!”
That’d be my cue. I approach the curtain and crouch just behind it. And springing some twenty feet in the air, I burst up through the curtains and slam onto the walkway as dust scatters around me. Nobody knows me, and yet when I walk out on that runway men are spilling beer over themselves in excitement and the women aren’t too different. So I just strut down towards that so fabled ‘squared circle’ and before I arrive to that padded floor surrounding it, I notice something pretty freaky deaky.
“Hold on a sec, are you even human?”
My disguise! The glasses, they do nothing! Ah crud, ah jeez, an man, I can’t be caught now! Alright, what would fool this person? What do humans do? Well during the prelude to a match I heard they usually start calling each other out. Maybe I can trash-talk this person, whoever they are, just to distract them. Of course, that’s gonna be kinda hard considering I’m looking up and a set of ropes are blocking my way and my vision isn’t exactly 20/20, so maybe just playing sound bites from other wrestlers would work.
Alright, this one from Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson aughtta work. “What! . . . Is your name?”
“Oh, sorry about that. I’m Twilight Spa-”
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” As soon as I said that the crowd just started cheering like I just won the match already. I might as well roll with this. Another HUGE jump twenty feet in the air, and I slam right onto the inside of the ring and make all those ropes start shaking. Let’s see Uncle Phil treat me like some unblooded whelp when I beat this clearly formerly indomitable and powerful . . . Uh . . .
Alright, so apparently they put me up against a purple horse. Then again, back in college I had a baby blue one as a roommate. So thinking back on that, I study her for comparison and see while she doesn’t exactly have a multi-colorful mane, she does have wings. But the real difference and why I can’t believe this is that she has a horn while my roommate didn’t. Oh well, I could probably punch it in the spine and get an instant win.
“You know, that really looks like an interesting costume. Was that mouthpiece inspired by the mandible of some type of arthropod? It’s actually sort of intimidating, though the four-prongs seems rather . . . inefficient.”
I’m going to chalk up it’s ability to speak English as another attribute it shared with my roommate. Man, if she can wrestle as hard as that Rainbow Dash pony could then I might not really stand a chance. Of course, this isn’t the time for remembering the good ol’ days, it’s time to put some hurt on my opponent.
I quickly line her up to my side and wrap an arm around her neck. With this achieved, I deliver a huge fist right to her kidneys! Amazingly, her skin stayed intact while a lesser being would’ve just been bisected.
“Oh man, the Predator’s got Twilight in a headlock! How’s he going to get out of this?” Said the so called “King” announcer.
It would seem his optimism that my opponent would escape would be correct, because Twilight lifts me up with surprising strength with her head and throws me behind her. Of course, I’ve fallen from heights greater than this, so I’m up and on my feel real quick. But by the time I turn to face her, she is already right up next to me, rear-first, and kicks me out of the ring with those powerful legs of hers. Now that hurt.
The referee is counting now, and the beast within the ring is staring at me, ready to prevent my re-entry. So I do what is pretty much unavoidable, and I jump high into the air yet again. That sets her for a loop, though I’ve pretty much done it a million times by now. Her confusion will be her downfall, because I make sure to land right on her back. She nearly buckles and falls flat, but that strength that set me reeling keeps her aloft still.
Now that was pretty much a strike to the brain. So I roll over and see that she’s all ready to deliver a finishing blow, and that’s a little brutal. But I have the good ol’ one last trick up my fishnet sleeve. I go to my wrist-device and press a few buttons, and then it starts beeping in a steadily growing succession. She simply watches me like a curious whelp, unfamiliar of her impending demise. What a foolicorn!
“You didn’t win! You didn’t win!” Even in my broken English, I can tell by the look at the surprised look on her face that she understood what I said clearly.
The beeping goes even faster and faster, and we are only moments away. Her sight swishes between me and the beeping device again and again until her eyes are practically rattling in her head, and I can only laugh as she can’t grasp the concept that I shall not be dishonored again! There is no escape! She shall lose!
Then in but a moment the beeping ceases all together and an impotent puff of smoke farts out of my device. I swear, I dropped it in the toilet ONCE and now it just plain doesn’t work, that is lame. So with my last ace-in-the-hole gone, she pins me and I end up losing. I can’t say I feel too defeated over this though, I did manage to slam a horse once so at least and that was pretty cool so this was all worth it. I just hope girls aren’t watching, especially these homely human ladies.
“Uh oh, looks like someone’s gal is about to give the winner a piece of her mind!”
Now what the heck is that loser cowboy talking about? I sit on up and look around, only to feast my eyeballs on the hottest thing since the sun. Man, she gots curves in all the right places, and all the men are totally stunned by her beauty. And those proboscis, yo! Those four sharp teeth, man, the hottest around! There’s only one girl I know with a body like that.
“Tina!”
That strut of hers as she slides between the ropes and gets into the ring is just about the greatest thing I could’ve seen this night. It’s like someone was just reading my mind, only she needs to be riding a motorbike, carrying a six-pack, and wielding one of those lame swords those folks in Asia had back in the day they all wore bathrobes. And what makes this moment greater is that she is walking right up to me, flipping awesome. Not a word needs to be said, she’s just standing in front of me and I’m on my knees like a scene straight out of a romance movie.
Alright, so I know I just said that seeing her slide between the ropes was the greatest thing ever, right? This beauty in short-shorts made me lie. I don’t know but I’m pretty sure she could sense my defeat, and so she is kind enough to comfort me with her soft hand on the side of my, inevitably bruised, face. This can only get better.
Again, this hotness in hot-pants made me lie. But in my defense, I was so caught up with her touching my face that she took that opportunity to deliver a sick blow with her knee right in my mandibles! Mandibles, bro! It hurts more than you’d think.
Eyup, I think I’m done here. Twilight won, Tina beat me up, and I’m never going home.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 15: Teleportation Revelation Manifestation
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 16: Training with Gregory Helms
Twilight went to where the ring was set up the next day to see several wrestlers warming up in their own ways around it. However, her attention was mostly fixed on fellow wrestler Chris Benoit who was chatting with the skullcap sharlatan, Gregory Helms.
“Hey, Chris,” Twilight greeted as she approached the two and interrupted a rather wavering conversation.
Chris gave off his usual smile. “Hey there, Twilight. So it looks like we got a bit of a problem.”
An eyebrow raised on Twilight’s face. “A problem?”
Chris bit his lip a bit and clapped his hands nervously. “Yeah, nothing real serious, but it’s about the training. You see, I gotta go with some guys to do something for the upcoming video game. They’d just like to get some video and take some pictures is all. So in the meantime, this week you’re going to be training with Greg here,” He then patted the equally light heavyweight on the back.
“I mean, I got nothin wrong with that,” Gregory said and took a more firm stance. “Heck, maybe you’ll learn something more than how to get beat up by Mark Henry.”
“Whoa! Alright buddy, them’s fightin’ words!” Chris held up his dukes in a playful fashion and gave a few fake jabs at his fellow wrestler.”
Gregory faked a knockout and rested up against the ring apron while laughing. “Ha ha, but seriously. The fact that you survived and still in action a year later really says a lot. You, man, you’re just going to be one of those guys that lives forever like Hulk Hogan or Randy Savage.”
“Well thanks Greg,” Chris then turned to Twilight. “Anyways, you’ll be sparring with him for this week. While I’m gone, try not to kill each other, alright?”
“Don’t worry, Chris. I mean, it’s just training. What can go wrong?”
Every single wrestler backstage stopped struggle. Holds were not broken out of and jaws fell to the floor. Even the janitor who was up in the stands cleaning off the seats of gunk and unmistakable ichor halted in his tracks.
“Um, Twilight.” Gregory got off the ropes and started rubbing his hands nervously. “We don’t ever say that. The last time somebody said that during training, a guy ended up breaking his neck.”
“Oh,” Twilight paused for a while before going on. “Sorry. Well, I guess we’ll get to it. Seeya later Chris!”
“Same to you, Twilight.” And with the farewells out of the way, Chris got out of the arena.
Once Chris was out of sight, Twilight turned her head to see Gregory was already in the ring. She didn’t waste much time either, and quickly joined him.
The moment she did, a weird thing happened. The stands starting filling out with people who were rushing in and all the other wrestlers filed out of the arena. It was almost as though it were a real match.
Because of this, Twilight’s attention was mostly focused on the crowds causing her to marvel at this anomaly and go “What the hay? Um, is this a prank?” She then looked at Matt and she became super nervous. He had the dead look of all her previous opponents, the same look she saw on him the first time she beat him in a match.
But of course, this is only training, right? After all, even if he is a pod-person or an alien or a robot, he’d still just be training with her, right? WRONG!
Gregory Helms demonstrated unseen speed before and quickly ran at her, locked her in a front-facing headlock, and flew off his feet ending up with him slamming her face into the mat.
This wasn’t just a match. This was something different, something realer than usual. She got up and managed to dodge another grapple maneuver as Gregory bent down to grab at her. This gave her amble opportunity to use the very brief distance between him and her to do a running tackle, giving him the brunt of her thick neck lest she impale him.
“Greg!” Twilight called out. “Snap out of it! We’re just training!”
It was all to no avail. he came running at her again with one arm extended. This attempt at a clothesline, however, and went right over her head as she ran to the other point of the ring. It still wasn’t enough, and so she hit him with another tackle to similar results.
“Stop acting stupid! You’re not yourself!”
He got back up. Twilight didn’t want to end up with him getting hurt so she simply flattened him again with yet another running tackle. However, as she landed the blow a loud ringing from near the abandoned announcer’s table came and all of a sudden everyone started filing out of the grand stadium yet again. Twilight was rather bothered by this, but not so much that she didn’t notice Gregory who happened to groan in pain and start grasping at his chest.
“Oh man, what the hell hit me?”
Twilight cautiously walked over to Gregory who appeared to be relatively unscathed but clearly in pain. “Are you okay?”
Gregory got to his feet slowly and wiped off any dust on him. “Yeah, I think so. Did you just knock me out or something?”
“No. Greg, you mean to tell me that you don’t realize what just happened?”
“Not at all. Then again, I’ve been blacking out a lot lately. Shoot, it’s probably why I lost the match last week.”
“Alright,” Twilight contemplated whether or not to let Greg in on what’s been happening lately, but decided against it given that he doesn’t even realize she’s a horse yet. “Well, thanks for sparring with me I guess.”
“Not a problem, kid. I’ll be back tomorrow, same time same place!”
“Wait, no!” Twilight called out. But her voice fell on evidently deaf ears as Gregory leapt over the ropes and ran outside the ring. She knew this was going to be a real rough week.
Author's Note
What if Greg knows Twilight is a pretty purple pony but doesn't mention it because this is his one chance to rassle a unicorn into submission? I know I'd take that chance!
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 17: Twilight is Officially Inducted into the WWE
Author's Note
Next week shall behold a huge tag-team combat event to make up for this short chapter.
Also, the dialogue as exerted by Vince in this chapter is largely taken from the video game Smackdown Vs. Raw 2008, including his flamboyant movements.
Chapter 17: Twilight is Officially Inducted into the WWE
So Gregory Helms gave Twilight a pretty hard time during practice, as his robot form seemed to finally comprehend that he was a wrestler at an inappropriate time. So a pretty full week of training up till HEAT, Twilight was pretty beaten and bruised. Still, she managed to beat her next opponent, Finlay, super easily using her foolproof method of just kicking him out of the ring and getting him counted out.
And now was the shining moment, the day when she finally arrived to be officially accepted into the ranks of the WWE, mostly against her will. She went up to the squared circle on monday in Atlanta Georgia and met with Vince McMahon in the middle of the ring. Though the sounds of fans cheering should’ve drowned out all other noise, Vince’s voice came over clear to both Twilight and the crowd.
“This is what you want, isn’t it?” It was clear it wasn’t a question. “80,000 Screaming fans chanting your name at Wrestlemania! I can see it in your eyes, you,” He shoved a finger right in her face while his other hand gripped the microphone he had even tighter. “Think you’ve got that ruthless aggression!.”
“Actually, not really. I just don’t want to end up hurting someone.” Twilight said, but she lacked the microphone Vince had and so her voice fell on deaf ears.
“Today you’re going to have to prove it to me. I’m giving you the opportunity of a lifetime,” He put an arm around Twilight as though he were her mentor. “Because this is where stars become superstars,” He then waved his hand towards the screen near the entrance ramp which showed images of some of the greater men in WWE History such as Mick Foley, Triple H, The Rock, and her well known friend Chris Benoit. “And superstars become legends.”
“Mister McMahon, I understand this but-”
He then pulled on her shoulder and went back to the finger wagging in her face. “And that’s what I expect from you, to become a legend of this business. That’s your responsibility, not mine.” He stepped back and lavishly presented her to the crowd “All I can do is give you the chance of few to make the impact. I want you to make it back here tonight, the showcase of the immortals, to Wrestlemania!”
The crowd erupted in cheers, though Twilight remained conflicted at this. But still, Vince went on. “You’re gonna have to beat the best! The best from RAW, and the best from Smackdown. And this year, I’m bringing back the tribe of the extreme. The new free to be unleashed, because I’m bringing back Ee,” He turned from Twilight and held his finger aloft. “See,” With his mighty finger, he pointed to the Titantron that presented a giant animated double-sided razor on it. “Double-you!”
On the razor came about the titular letters “ECW.” She had no idea what it meant, but it looked sinister.
“Good luck, you’re gonna need it!”
Twilight’s fears alleviated slightly at this, as she was glad to at least have his support. And so she did what was custom and held out her hoof for him to shake. Vince took one look at this, smirked dismissively, and walked calmly away from her and left her hanging. And so Twilight was left in the middle of the ring with a lone spotlight on her, as though she were still alone in this wild world of wrestling.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 18: Create-a-Wrestler: Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jim Ross.”
“And I’m your host, Jerry ‘the King’ Lawler!”
“And we’re here to welcome you to another special event! We’ve seen a lot of strong contenders ready to oppose the rising star, Twilight Sparkle. Right, King?”
“That’s right JR, and even though he’s fought against some of the already present wrestlers we got at Smackdown, I think it’s high time she gets to play in the big leagues.”
“Come on, King. I mean, he’s got himself some good moves, but against wrestlers like Kane or Mark Henry, Twilight doesn’t stand a chance!”
“Oh really?” King said with a hint of sarcasm. “Well I guess it’s going to be a bloodbath tonight. But who’s going to be doing the spilling will be decided here as we got an interesting tag match tonight.”
“King’s not lying, folks! I mean, after all, one of the guys just for tonight re-adopted his name the Master of Pain, and it seems the other guy’s gone back to his old mask from 2006. Right now it looks like we got ourselves a real blast from the past!”
“That’s right. So we should introduce the first ones to make their debut first. So coming to you live, or rather unlive in one of their cases, are the Undertaker and Rey Mysterio!”
From the entrance ramp arriving from opposite sides came two wrestlers of astounding fame. From the left strode a man of grand height, dressed in a black trenchcoat and a large brim dark hat, and his simple presence emanated despair. But from the other side bounced out a wiry framed short guy without a shirt dressed only in a Mexican decorated white mask which matched his equally elaborate trousers. Together they served as opposites, one being the bearer of darkness and the other rather joyful and athletic. But this schism of powers may very well result in a great collision of ultimate brutality. And so together they gathered in the ring.
“But don’t worry, anybody. Twilight’s not going to receive an unfair fight,” King continued. “Right JR?”
“That’s right, King. Twilight’s hard fighting style serves against Rey’s high flying maneuvers. So who’s the best to fight the man who feels nothing? Heck, the man who fears nothing of course! So teaming up with Twilight Sparkle here tonight is Chris Benoit!”
Arriving from the left part of the entrance ramp, the duo ran down the entrance side-by-side and both climbed onto the stage and stared down their opponents, Twilight to Rey and Benoit to the Undertaker.
“Look at this JR, not a bit of animosity from them to be seen, and it looks like we’ll get a pretty friendly match.”
“You sure about that? Because it looks like Undertaker has something to say.”
Indeed. The Dead Man took up a Microphone and confronted Benoit. “How cute this is. A new, original wrestler teamed up with hack and a rip off.”
Twilight spoke loud enough so that her voice could also be heard on the mic. “What do you mean? I don’t think anyone else looks a thing like Chris.”
“Oh, but you’re right. Nobody else looks like this man. But that doesn’t take away from the attitude he stole. An emotionless husk of acute physical form. Remorseless, compassionless, humorless. I wonder who did that first?” Undertaker leaned in and held a finger to his chest. “It was me!” And Undertaker let out a loud roar of a laugh over the sound of a booing crowd.
After he finished, Chris only smiled before taking the mic from Twilight “You know, this reminds me a lot of something I was accused of in the 6th of June, 2000 show of Smackdown. And I think that’s applicable here.” Chris steadied himself and looked dead eyed at the Dead Man.
“You don’t see any remorse. . . Because I don’t have any. You don’t see any compassion because I have none. I don’t need a sense of humor. And I sure as hell don’t have to explain myself to you, or anyone else!”
The cheers broke out again and then the microphones shifted to the other two standing off, Twilight and Rey.
“Heh, I get that both these guys are working with Smackdown but I don’t think they’ve ever met!”
“All the more reason to start some friendly rivalry JR! Trust me on this, I know it never fails.”
Rey nodded a bit while keeping a positive expression on his face. “You know, my kids would really love to get a ride from an absolutely beautiful morado caballo like you.” He said, rolling the l’s on the word “caballo.”
Twilight blushed a bit. Beautiful? How very nice of him! “Why thank you, maybe after the match I can visit and we can all get to know each other.”
Rey held a hand in front of him as though halting Twilight’s train of thought. “No way Jose, after the cracked ribs I’m gonna give you tonight I don’t think you’ll have anybody riding you for a while, horsie.”
Twilight’s ears drooped. This was going to be a painful match, for sure. So after the introductions were out of the way, the Undertaker and Benoit left out of the mat on opposite sides and hung around by opposite turnbuckles.
“Now if I recall, this is Twilight’s first tag team match up. So, King, still got confidence in the rising superstar?”
“You betcha, JR. Simple tag match, simple rules. Two opponents square off in the ring who can swap out by tagging their partner. Besides, you can just feel the confidence rising from these superstars!”
“Well that sure is a lot of talk. We’ll have to see if it means squat.”
And so with that the bell rang and the match began. Rey immediately started running at her with astounding speed and leapt high into the air. Twilight tried to back away but Rey grabbed hold of her by the neck and swung himself into a riding position on her and used his other hand to take hold of her mane. Twilight went buck wild and started bucking all over the place and thrashing about as Rey held on!
“Would you look at that! You must feel right at home, huh JR?”
“A tiny man riding on the back of a large wrestler? You better not be insinuating anything!”
Rey luckily used Twilight’s senseless to his advantage. Yanking her mane to the right and left appropriately, he steered her right into a turnbuckle and she accidentally slammed her own head against it, knocking her down.
With her down and barely out, he climbed over her and onto the top of the turnbuckle. From there, he jumped high into the air and slammed himself with his arms and legs held underneath him. It didn’t hit hard given his light frame, but it sure was enough to splay her out in the corner!
“The Frog Splash!”
“And in the corner like that, he could’ve taken her head clean off!”
Chris Benoit was in the corner in a moment. “Twilight, you okay?”
Twilight’s head waved from side to side and she was seeing stars. “No thank you Smarty Pants, I don’t like sugar with my tea!”
Chris started freaking out and just gave her hoof a slap and hopped in the ring. “Yeah, you’re gonna need to sit this out for a bit.” And he shoved her out with his foot.
“The Crippler’s tagged in! Now Rey’s gonna be in a world of hurt!”
Chris and Rey began staring each other down and walking in circles. It was a stalemate, if Rey made the first move Chris would smash him and if Chris went first Rey would just dodge and parry. The referee saw that this was going to be pretty boring and took a spot next to the ropes to rest up.
But while he was resting against the ropes, a purple gloved hand snuck from behind and yanked him out of the ring and slammed him hard onto the floor. He was going to be out for a bit.
“Uh oh, no ref!”
“Come on, Chris! Look behind you!”
The announcer’s pleas fell on deaf ears in the ring, as a large figure loomed his shadow over the two dueling men. Chris saw the light fade from Rey’s form and turned around to see the pale face of the Undertaker! He had removed his robe and hat and was sporting the attire he wore back in 1994: A black sleeveless shirt, ebon pants, and a pair of purple gloves.
Chris tried to react but he was met immediately by the Undertaker’s hand clasping itself around Chris’ throat. The Undertaker lifted him up and began to strangle the Canadian Crippler. But before he could pass out to dreamland, Undertaker slammed him down right onto the mat!
“The chokeslam! Poor Chris, he’s not going to survive for long!”
The Undertaker lifted Chris up by the arm, who remained dazed and just barely on his feet. Rey threw his partner a thumbs up and ran to one side of the ropes. Following suit, the Undertaker Irish whipped Chris towards the same direction. Rey arrived at the ropes with plenty of time and slipped between the top and middles ones, span around and kicked his legs at where Chris was going to land.
“Chris is going to get 619’d! This is just turning out to be a real slobberknocker!”
He was almost there, but a flash of purple appeared next to him, turned around, and kicked Rey off of the ropes and into the barricades! The force was so great that he knocked the barricade over and crushed several fans in the crowd.
“Twilight’s back!” King shouted and hugged JR. He then realized what he was doing and let go. “Um, so how about them bears?”
Chris rested on the ropes and could barely make out the figure of Twilight next to him.
“You get out and keep tiny busy, I’ll handle the big guy.”
He managed to hear what she said through cauliflower ears and slipped out of the ropes, trying to get back his senses. Twilight, meanwhile, faced off against one of the tallest guys she saw. Seeing that he was clearly two or three times her size, she was intimidated but feared not in his presence.
“Hey you! You smell like death!”
Undertaker got real mad. She wasn’t wrong, but it’s still a harsh thing to say. So he ran right at her and tried to hit her with a hard right punch, but Twilight easily ducked it and went behind him. He couldn’t keep up with her, her legs were far too long and she had four of them, allowing for easy maneuverability.
And once behind, Twilight wrapped her two front hooves around the Undertaker’s waist, lifted him into the air, and slammed him onto the mat behind her.
“GERMAN SUPLEX!” Was the one phrase that rang through the crowd. As they clapped and chanted out the name of one of Twilight’s now signature moves.
But lifting the heavyweight left her exhausted, but still on her hooves. And she was still on her feet. The Dead Man was visibly harmed by this, but showed no sign of giving up. He walked her over and delivered his delayed right punch right into her cheek, knocking her almost off her feet. She was disoriented enough for him to take one of her offending front hooves and drag her by it over to one of the turnbuckles. Once there, he climbed it while still holding her leg, and began to demonstrate a feet of amazing prowess that only he could perform: He began to walk on the top rope while holding her hoof.
“He’s walking the rope! He’s walking the rope! Oh boy, it’s been a while since I’ve seen that!”
Undertaker jumped off and smashed his forearm against Twilight’s back, knocking her to the floor. The astounding strength of it all was enough to incapacitate even the largest of men. And so, confident that he won, he dragged Twilight into the middle of the ring and then stood tall above the flattened pony. He stuck out his thumb and dragged it across his neck from ear to ear, and in a loud, raspy, monotone voice he only said “Rest. In. Piece.”
He grabbed her by the sides and hoisted her to his feet while holding her by the neck with his massive thighs. He then gripped her by the belly and prepared to deliver his finishing move.
“It’s the Last Ride! That’s it folks, this is the end of Twilight’s career.”
Yanking her from between his legs and hoisting her up in the air, the Undertaker was ready to slam her back down to the mat and finish the match. Nobody can make it after getting hit with such a powerful upcoming powerbomb!
But Twilight regained her senses and grabbed the Undertaker by the back of his head. The Undertaker was a surprised, a brief flash of emotion on his otherwise emotionless face, as Twilight used gravity to her advantage and slammed the Undertaker face-first into the mat. Sure, he probably didn’t feel that pain, but he ain’t exactly moving either!
Twilight took this advantage and flipped the Undertaker over as the ref slid into the ring and immediately started spanking the mat.
“One! Two! Three!” Shouted the referee. When he finished the bell clanged and the match was over.
Chris joined his partner in the ring and they both held their heads high in celebration of a well fought victory.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 19: Twilight Takes the Day Off
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 20: Create-a-Wrestler: Chucky
“Alright, so this time let’s try not to summon Woolie, alright?” Proclaimed the only glasses wearing person among them.
“Agreed. But, does anyone wonder how a botched Satanic ritual ends up summoning some black guy from Canada all the time? Like, when it’s consistent I start to think there’s a problem.” This man said to his nerd companions, who were genuinely dumbfounded by this question.
“I don’t really give a rat’s behind!” Shouted one of these four guys. “I still say these dark rituals are racist. I mean, how come it doesn’t work for Indians, huh?”
“It doesn’t work for white people either.”
The outraged gentleman then scowled and turned to his friend. “Great, now I can’t play the race card.”
“Oh please, as though the lord of darkness would fall for that.”
“Well, I wish I could say that was the most racist thing I’ve heard you say. But it’s going to be kinda hard to top comparing yourself to a slave when you didn’t want to join me and Penny on a double date.”
“Can we just focus here?” And with no further discussion, everyone assumed their position around the painted circle filled with symbols on the floor. “Alright, is everybody ready for the chant?”
They all nodded and then clasped their hands together and in unison they all began their chant. At first it began as the usual undecipherable foreign language, but unbeknown to them it was truly a voodoo ritual spell. But soon their melange of words grew to English.
“Give us the power we beg of you! GIVE US THE POWER WE BEG OF YOU!”
The room illuminated itself with red light and a cloud of ink erupted from the center of the room. When the smoke dissipated all that was left was but a large plastic doll the size of a toddler dressed in an ugly striped shirt and blue overalls. This was met with universal disappointment.
“Great, this was exactly what we needed.” Said the bespeckled one. “A dolly.”
“Sheldon,” Began the Indian friend. “What book did you get?”
“Why, it was the Voodoo Magician’s primer, fifth edition.”
“You moron! We’re trying a Satanic ritual!”
“Well don’t blame me, blame the forces at work. After all, how was I supposed to know what’s the difference between Satanism and Voodoo? I’m a physicist, not an occultist!”
And so yet another racist remark was met with further derision which was then followed by a flying doll thrown out an apartment window. . . Followed by takeout.
On the streets below, Vince McMahon was walking about when he came across the figure lying face down on the ground.
It was not long before Vince picked up the doll and began to speak to it that the streets cleared off, as should be expected when a grown man starts talking to a children’s toy.
“Alrighty then, if you don’t wanna talk then I’m just going to have to make you talk!”
And so Vince McMahon picked the doll up again, laid it’s face on his shoulder and let the rest of it’s body dangle behind his back. “McMahon Stunner!” He then jumped up, kicked out his legs, and prepared to essentially let gravity give him enough force to smash the doll’s head open.
But before he could land, the doll moved of its own deliberate will and climbed its way forward, kicked off Vince McMahon’s chest, and drove his old man face into the pavement. “Chucky DDT!”
The doll then walked a few steps away and turned to face Vince who got back up and was rubbing his damaged money maker.
“Well Vince, long time no see. But that still don’t mean you had to expect that to work! Remember: No one messes with the Chuck.”
“Ha ha! Darn right! So how the hell’ve you been, Charles?”
“Eh, same old same old. I got a kid now, but the old lady won’t let me see him. And I don’t give a damn what she says, Glen’s a damn boy!”
“Well that’s great to hear!”
“You bet, kid’s already got a streak of his dad in him. Heck, he killed me! Well, tried. I’m thinking of paying him back with a little scare. Mind helping me out?”
Vince McMahon belted out in jolly laughter. “Mind? Heck, I’d be glad to help you out. A boy needs discipline, even after trying to dethrone the king of the house.”
Before Vince could delve too deep into fond memories of running the business with his own flesh and blood, Chucky snapped him out of it. “Fantastic! So what you need in return, another promo? I’m not doing one for Scott again, the guy freaks me the hell out.”
Vince began to rub his chin as he developed a plot. “Matter of fact, there is something you can do for me. How’d you like to star in a match?”
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome! I’m your host Jim Ross.”
“I’m Jerry ‘the King’ Lawler. And tonight we have yet another special match featuring a popular and familiar face trying his hand against the rising superstar.”
“That’s right. Sure, he’s been on the big screen to a warm welcome since the 80’s, but his home life has been in the dumps, big time.”
“But that might all change. This is his big chance to make a comeback, and to enter the realm of WWE! And to top it off, he will face our rising superstar in a no DQ match!
The spotlights shone over the entrance to the ramp leading to the ring, yet not a figure stirred behind them, much to the befuddlement of the crowd.
“I said: Introducing Chucky!” JR repeated, to a still silent response. “Oh great, can we get someone backstage?”
“No where is the new guy? Does anyone see him?” Everybody, even the fans in the crowd, looked around but to no avail. Even Twilight, with her gigantic eyes that were three-quarters the size of her face, could not find her foe anywhere, and so kept her gaze facing towards the ramp.
“Uh oh!” JR exclaimed and pointed forward to behind Twilight Sparkle. Behind her was what seemed to be a toddler with the worst facial reconstruction surgeon in the world. And even worse than his looks, is the fact that he was heaving around a sledgehammer. “Looks like the new guy’s going to get a sneak attack!”
“Twilight Sparkle, look out!” Shouted King, followed by similar warnings throughout the crowd. Twilight did take notice of this, but it was too late.
The hammer drew from the side and crashed into Twilight’s right hind leg, knocking her onto the floor. The beholder then rested it against his shoulder and in his other hand he held a mic up to his face. “No harsh feelings horsey, but I’ve gotta date with a 26 year old man, and you’re the only one keeping me away from him.”
The crowd boo’d the doll on stage and he just waved the hammer around as he defended himself from this verbal assault. “No, I don’t mean it like that!”
While Chucky was distracted, Twilight Sparkle struggled to get up and turned to face her new assailant. She couldn’t buck him out of the ring, that’s for sure. But while his back is turned, there is one major thing she could do.
She clutched the distracted doll around the belly and began to lift it up. “What the-” He exclaimed, only to be cut off as Twilight slammed him down on his neck right on the mat. He could’ve gotten up, no problem, but the referee came next to him and smacked the mat once. Now why would this idiot be doing that? He thought, only to realize both his shoulders were placed on the mat. He was technically pinned.
The referee slapped the mat again, so Chucky knew he had to think fast. He acted even faster, and swung the hammer far away from him and hit Twilight right in the belly. This knocked her to the ground, lifted Chucky up briefly, and knocked the wind out of Twilight. Taking the advantage, he then placed himself on top of her and the referee started spanking the mat again!
Now it was Twilight’s turn to escape! Which was no problem at all, given the doll only weighed about five pounds, so all she did was sit up. She then pulled the sledgehammer away from him using her magic and tossed it outside the ring. She then tossed Chucky away from her to give some space between her and him. “There, now it’s a fair fight.”
And so the 500 or so pound horse jumped and smashed the toddler sized doll and used her immense weight to pin him and win the match.
“One, two, three! Twilight Sparkle wins again!”
With yet another win, something was far different this time. Something disturbing that provoked Twilight and brought her to pick up the discarded mic Chucky brought in and began to speak.
“You know, when I heard this was going to be a no disqualification match, I thought it wouldn’t be all that bad. I mean, the ways to get disqualified are trivial, time outs and touching the ropes.” She then stumbled over to the ropes and supported herself.
“But he nearly broke my leg!” She soon escalated into a yell. “I can’t stand for that, literally! I heard about how these matches can go, with chairs and tables getting involved. But a sledgehammer is just too far! And I know exactly who to blame.” She then pointed a hoof to the air.
“Triple H, you have a problem! It is important that you finally come out and accept responsibility. Simply put, you are the one who put the sledgehammer under the ring!”
The crowd erupted in mixed reactions. A famous hero of the WWE getting called out by a newbie? One of the most influential and powerful persons in wrestling sabotaging people over the years? Another celebrity with a debilitating addiction? What will happen next? Find out next time! Same Rasslin’ story, new Rasslin’ chapter!
Author's Note
So apparently there is precedence for this chapter. This legit happened in the WWE.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 21: Triple H's Secret
A gigantic nose was piloting itself down the hallways in preparation for the upcoming wrestling match. It passed by its fellow wrestlers who waved to it as it passed by and thought to itself that it would have a wonderful date afterwards shared with the beautiful Stephanie McMahon. Following and attached to it was famed wrestler Triple H, also known as Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
But it was not long before Triple H encountered Twilight Sparkle in the middle of his path. In the true manifestation of this reality, she was a winged unicorn capable of casting magic, flying, and delivering a sick German Suplex. To Triple H, she appeared as a He and shared none of the former qualities.
“Well hey there kid, what are you up to?”
“Oh nothing,” Twilight said and then looked off to the side. “I’m just distracting you.”
“Distracting me, eh?”
Twilight chuckled nervously at the honest reception to her honest answer. “Hehe, yes, distracting.”
“And you’re distracting me because?”
“Clunk.”
Triple H felt his vision waver and his slick back hair cast over his face as he lost feeling in his limbs. He really needed coffee today, because nothing even happened and he was already ready to black out.
“Clunk? What are you saying ‘clunk’ for?”
He then received a tap on the shoulder from something that was like a gigantic kielbasa. When he turned around he saw it was actually Mark Henry’s gigantic finger. It was then swapped for Mark Henry’s gigantic fist which delivered a gigantic punch to Triple H’s gigantic nose and left him a little bit unconscious.
When Triple H woke up he blinked the fog of sleep from his eyes, but soon found this was the extent of his immediate capabilities When everything was cleared, he saw a group of his fellow wrestlers surrounding him and felt that his arms were tied behind his back and he was sitting in one of the metal chairs that were commonly used more as weapons than furniture.
“Alright, is this a prank? You guys got a girl ready to jump out of a cake or something?”
Shawn Michaels, the equally notorious tag team partner of Triple H who formed the other half of the group Degeneration X went up to the muck haired wrestler. “Hunter, you know me. Now, normally I would take this opportunity to smash an egg over your head while you can’t fight back, but we gotta get real serious here.” He placed his hands on Triple H’s shoulders. “You. Have. A. Problem.”
“No way man, you know I would never do steroids! Drugs are for losers, like Test or MVP.” Meanwhile MVP was in the corner thinking to himself Yeah, he’s right.
“Steroids? Hunter, your problem is worse than that. See, if you do drugs, you’re the one who’s going to die and your family and friends will suffer. But your problem is affecting literally everyone here who’s ever been in the ring plus their families and friends.”
“Wait, is this about how I’ve told just about everybody here to ‘suck it?’ Because that’s not just me, that’s Degeneration X.”
Twilight Sparkle then stepped up and spanked Triple H across the face. “I ALMOST GOT MY LEG BROKEN BY A DOLL WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!” She yelled before starting to calm down. “Look, you really need to stop sneaking sledgehammers under the ring, it’s extremely dangerous.”
“Twilight’s right,” said Chris Benoit. “I know the crowd loves it, but it’s just too hazardous to allow. Now, we’re all soory that we had to bring you here to talk to you like this, but it needed to be done. So friend, what do you say?”
Triple H looked down at his massive biceps and shook his head. “Guys, I hear you all, but I can’t stop. Ever since I got my hands on my first sledge, I never wanted to think of an arena I would be at not having one. But whats say we all agree just not to use them?”
Mark Henry waved this thought away with a backhand stroke of his paddle of a hand passing through air. “Uh uh. You never know when some guy’s going to end up going for it in desperation.”
This comment finally got Triple H to surrender. “Alright, you guys are right. Maybe I should just leave the game, because there’s no way I’m going to stop.”
Shawn Michaels stepped firmly on Triple H’s foot and leaned in. “Man, without you where would DX be? Hunter, some day I might just be some jerk working in a kitchen as a chef, because cooks are total lamers, and when that happens you need to be there to tell me to get back into wrestling.”
“Ha! You, a chef? If that ever happens I will have to get you from that miserable existence. Okay, so I won’t quit. But, that just means I’ll still be making problems for us all.”
“You have until 2012 to stop. If you don’t stop jeopardizing us all we will all shave your head and keep you bald from then on and force you to be seen with the gold dipped skulls of wrestlers murdered by sledgehammers you have placed under the ring.”
“Fair enough.” And with this the entire room of people and one lone alicorn nodded in agreement. “So, mind letting me go?”
Everyone else immediately left the building.
Author's Note
Every year there are innumerable wrestlers harmed from sledgehammers hidden under the ring. Please wrestler responsibly. That is to say, not at all unless you're a professional.
View Online
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 22: Create-a-Wrestler: Tommy Wiseau
Chapter 22: Create-a-Wrestler: Tommy Wiseau
To say Tommy Wiseau, famed director that he is, had Twilight on the ropes in his first ever wrestling match would be an understatement. She was nearly dead, and there was very little she or anyone could do about it. However it may have been in his French blood to attempt to murder a horse. But just how did this bizarre film director/toy smuggler come to bring an undefeated wrestler to her four knees? Well it all started a long time ago. . . Last night.
Of course, this isn’t Tommy’s story so this Frenchman's already anonymous and vague origins shall be left to secret. What did happen though was one day Tommy found himself in the WWE offices and across an elaborate and expensive table of pure ivory was Vince McMahon.
“You see, they rawb from me and I am thuh fool. I need thisuh break so I can make more egg breakfasts for mah waif.”
“Let me just get this straight. So you say you want some publicity for your next film so you can make up the money you lost off of pirated copies of your other films?” Vince pinched the arch of his nose and shook his head. “Tommy, you’re a terrible businessman.”
“Nuh uh! I was selling duh bloogenes in duh France and toys to tourists when I wus younguh. You are so liek everyone else! Everyone betray me! I am fed up with this world!” The large Frenchman got out of his seat and started throwing his arms all over the place. This happened to catch Vince’s ever discerning eye.
“Suicidal tendencies, unintelligible English, betrayal. . . Hmmm.” Vince then got up and slammed his fists on the desk. “Tommy, WWE might not be the right fit for you but you would be perfect for our competitors, TNA Wrestling!”
Tommy then immediately regained his composure. “But I don’t wahn to be a wrestler! I wahn to be movie star!”
“Everybody starts somewhere. But I tell you what, I’ll let you publish a movie with WWE and all you have to do is one little favor.”
“Hauh?”
“Fight Twilight Sparkle and win.”
Twilight Sparkle didn’t get a whole lot of details for her upcoming match, but from the sound of it she should have absolutely no problem since her opponent didn’t have any lousy gimmicks or anything. As such, she had a better spring to her step when she strolled along the hallway, and was just so happy that she felt like greeting everybody along the way.
This last remark was directed to Mark Henry, who earned the right to be called the strongest man in the world. He looked up briefly at Twilight, but was late enough to only watch her pass by and continue greeting others. He gave her a fair warning on day one, and made sure that she knew how he felt about being called that. Those painful memories of his initial appearances drilled their way from the recesses of his mind foremost and caused him distinct anguish that was hidden behind massive tendon and glistening skin.
He would not let this transgression go unpunished.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Friday night RAW! I’m your host Jim Ross.”
“And I’m Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler, and tonight we got a special treat for our fans who also enjoy independent movies.
“Shut your mouth, King! Kids could be watching!”
“Not those kinds of movies. Well, maybe a little.”
“And so tonight, folks, we got ourselves the Fancy Pants Filmmaker, Tommy Wise-hat.”
“Wiseau.”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
And so accompanied by the French National Anthem, which was composed of blaring sirens and enormous bellowing from comedian Jerry Lewis, came Tommy Wiseau dressed in his finest tuxedo onto the ramp and strutting his way on to the stage.
“Also, naturally he’s going to try his hand against the rising superstar, Twilight Sparkle.”
Twilight Sparkle’s appearance, as per the usual, was far less elaborate and simple, yet still ushered in a surprisingly well received response from the crowd. So with these cheers from the fans, she clambered her way up to the stage with a microphone and stood face-to-waist with the giant Frenchman.
“So before we get started,” Twilight Sparkle began. “I’d like to know a little bit about you. Why are you here?”
“Ah don’t think I will ever get it. In mah world, I am busy person. I have script to write, and make into films! And now I be superstar wrestler.” And then looking over the head of Twilight, which wasn’t particularly difficult, he then said “Oh hai Mahk.”
“Huh?” Twilight then turned her face around to see the massive Mark Henry.
He punched her, once. Mark Henry sent his fist flying straight at Twilight Sparkle’s face and it landed perfectly on her snout. This powerful blow sent Twilight flying right into the ropes, bouncing off of them, and then flattening herself on the ring. Mark Henry then took his departure and left Tommy Wiseau in the ring with a beaten, bruised, and barely conscious horse.
“Twilight, no! Get up, Twilight! Come on, you gotta get up!” Shouted Jerry Lawler from behind his desk.
“Simmer down, King. Wrestlers win and lose all the time.”
So then Jerry stood up and started chanting while clapping his hands. “Get up, Twilight!” Clap clap clap. “Get up, Twilight!” Clap clap clap. And it was not long before the crowd began to join in with the same action.
But Tommy took the advantage and began kicking her in the ribs delicately but repeatedly. “You’re just a little pony, cheep cheep cheep cheep!” He said, chirping like a bird.
But as the chants grew and grew, Twilight’s ears perked up and her awareness returned to her. Tommy’s over-abundance of confidence, however, allowed Twilight to fully regain her senses and shove Tommy flat on his rear end.
“That was a dirty trick, Tommy! Things would’ve been a lot better if you were fair when you hit me. Now, it’s personal.”
Tommy was then agasp and crawled his way to the side of the ring facing the announcer’s table. “I did naut heet her! I did naut!” Tommy protested. He then remembered he was in a wrestling match and turned back to Twilight. “Oh hai, horsey.”
Twilight kicked him in the face. Hard. She then bit on to one of his ankles and dragged him to the center of the ring. With the giant Frenchman knocked silly and face-down, Twilight sat on his back, hiked his arms backwards so that they stayed on her rear thighs, and wrapped her forehooves under his chin and pulled back.
“That’s right, Twilight! Give him the Camel Clutch! Make him give up!”
Tommy’s face went red with excruciating pain. As loud as he could, he yelled out “YOU’RE TEARING ME APART, TWILIGHT!” And he began tapping pathetically on Twilight’s leg, signalling that he was in fact giving up.
Twilight released Tommy Wiseau and rejoiced in her victory. But after the cheering began to subside, she took up the discarded microphone. “I’d like to thank you all for helping me with this match. Without the support of all of you, I might not have been able to get back up, so thanks.” She then pointed at the announcer’s table. “And I’d like to give you special thanks. I heard you giving me that support, and starting that chant, I would’ve definitely lost to this unfair match. So thanks, a lot,” Jerry Lawler was getting absolutely giddy in his seat and was on the verge of fainting, and all she needed to do was say his name. “Thank you, JR!”
Jerry Lawler felt his heart drop and he was like “Wait, what? No!”
But Jim Ross was just rolling with it. “Yeah, no problem, kid.”
And with this Twilight finally left the ring and headed back on the ramp to go backstage, all the while Jerry held his hand out in utter futility, grasping at the air. “No, it was me, though!” But not a soul would give him credit. “Aw man.”
Author's Note
Oh King, senpai shall never notice you.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 23: Dinner With the Benoits
Author's Note
Awkwardness shall intensify as of this point.
Chapter 23: Dinner With the Benoits
Twilight Sparkle found herself before the evil manifestation of vile foodstuffs composed entirely of unsavory ichor and turgid flesh. However the absence of the vital necessities in her life have left her debilitated for the most part and desperate, leading her to only one conclusion. It, the unmentionable thing, was already in her possession, recently purchased, and to toss it aside would be wasteful. She wished she could hesitate, but she was far too gone and starving. So without further hesitation, she opened her mouth and prepared to fill it up with copious amounts of hot dog with mustard.
But then the Canadian Crippler, Chris Benoit, slapped the hot dog out of her magic and yelled “Twilight, don’t eat that!”
And then Twilight suddenly snapped out of her hunger induced senselessness and caught a glimpse of the sign next to the stand proclaiming “100 percent beef.” Meat plus horses equals sad times.
Twilight wiped her brow and took a deep breath. “Thanks, I almost made a big mistake.”
“That’s right.” He then looked at the sign and back to Twilight. “Oh, not because of that, that’s just a lie. There’s no meat in hot dogs. Still, you shouldn’t eat them.”
Twilight’s jaw dropped drastically and then she stared at the discarded frankfurter on the ground, that was already halfway eaten away by a swarm of roaches. “But, Chris,” She began. “I haven’t had anything except junk food since I got here. I am about to die!”
“Really?” Chris said in befuddlement. “You’ve been undefeated and you haven’t been eating right?” He then let out a chuckle and gave a pat to Twilight’s head. “Well let me tell you what, how about you join me and Nancy for dinner at my house? I’m sure she won’t mind.”
“Really? That’d be great! I really should thank her for the salad the other day, anyways.”
“Well then let’s go after work!” And with this final remark to a nodding Twilight, the duo made plans to eat dinner at the Benoit household.
Later that day, at the Benoit household, Chris was dressed in more casual attire composed of a T-shirt and jeans while Twilight was bare naked, as always. However, before they entered, Benoit stopped Twilight outside and talked with her.
“Alright, so try and act casual, y’know? It seems I’m the only one around that sees you as a horse, so try and act human, okay?”
“Of course, I learned a little bit since the last time I was here.”
“Great. Also,” He continued, “Be careful around my son, alright? His name is Daniel, he’s only seven, and he’s a little shy, but he’s real friendly once you get to know him.”
“Yes, sir.”
Chris gave a bit of a laugh at this official affirmation. “Other than that, just try and be a good guest. Oh, and welcome to my home!” He then advanced and opened the door to a rather perturbed yet beautiful and blonde Nancy Benoit standing in the doorway.
“Uh oh.” Chris Benoit said as he started to get wet with nervous sweat. “Uh, hi honey!”
Nancy’s cheeks rose to form a smile but one of her eyebrows stayed high and she shook her head. She then leaned in and gave Chris a pleasant smooch on the cheek. “Welcome back home. We thought you’d never get here.”
When she stepped back from her kiss she then spotted the purple unicorn princess next to Chris Benoit and covered her mouth as she burst out with a giggle. “Hehe, I think one of the neighbors’ horses followed you.”
Twilight then came into the light of the doorway aside Benoit and looked up at the black haired beauty. “Actually, my name is Twilight Sparkle.”
“Oh good heavens she talks.” Nancy then slapped her head and got the most confused look on her face she could muster.
“Wait, hold up,” Chris said as he held his hands up. “You can see she,” he then pointed at Twilight, “Is a pony?”
“Well, yeah! But she’s purple, she talks, and she’s got wings and a horn. What’s going on, am I being punked or something? Is this some sort of performance art piece?”
Chris then took Nancy in his arms and held her very close. “This is great! Here I was, thinking I was the only one.”
After some minor suffocation, his wife pushed away and began to rub the back of her neck nervously. “Alright, well welcome home I guess. You’re friend going to be staying long?”
“Well, she’s going to head back to her place but I really want to make sure she gets a good meal first. That’s not going to be a problem, is it?”
“Not really, I guess. Well, come on in.” Nancy then stepped out of the way and allowed Chris Benoit and his purple alicorn princess friend from another world/dimension waltz on into his home.
Inside the home was a rather modest yet clean family setting that was quite unfamiliar to Twilight. Perhaps the most distinguishing features of this room, though, were a large flat screen set atop a shelf before a nearly as large couch. Though she wished to learn more of this, she was ushered into the modest dining room by one Nancy Benoit.
In the dining room, Chris sat at the head of a rather bare wooden table that could seat eight people comfortably. Twilight, meanwhile, was a tad confused as to her placement. Before Twilight could ask for some modicum of accommodation for her as a guest at dinner, Nancy went in the kitchen.
Chris noticed Twilight standing absent-mindedly and suddenly stood up. “Sorry about that, whenever someone stops by they usually just take a spot anywhere. But being you’re, you know, I guess you can go ahead and pull out a chair from one of the spots. You can eat at the table, right?”
Twilight took the chair at the foot of the table and set it aside against a wall and found that she could manage to get her mouth up on the table if needed. “Yeah, this looks like it’ll be alright.”
A few moments of awkward silence hung in the room which was then broken by the arrival of Nancy who entered with a large pot, which caused her husband to exclaim. “Oh good, soups on!”
“I’d have to say literally,” Nancy said as she set two places at the table with bowls and a spoon and placed a third bowl on the floor. “I made sure to make a hearty veggie soup for my loving husband. I hope that’s okay with you, um,” She then gestured to their rather unusual guest as she ladled out the soup.
“Twilight Sparkle, and it sounds great!” Twilight waited until her bowl was properly served and she used her magic to lift it up and place it at her spot. She could sympathize with Nancy’s confusion as to proper dinner etiquette with a horse.
“Oh, um, wow!” Nancy said followed by a nervous chuckle. She then sat at the table next to her husband and turned to him. “Chris, honey, have you been dipping into the hard sauce again? Because I think I’m getting drunk just off of being around you right now.”
Just as Chris was about to dig in, he then set the spoon aside and dry swallowed at this rather sly insult. “Of course not! I mean, I understand it’s freaky with this pony but she’s real. Trust me. Besides, you know I don’t drink a lot lately.”
“Chris, that’s the problem. I don’t know. You’re away from home so much lately, and I don’t know what’s going on. I trust you, but I miss you.”
Chris thought on this for a bit and then placed his hand over his wife’s and gave it a firm grasp. “Nancy, I love you. I guess I got caught up in the craziness lately what with Twilight here and training her and finding out what’s been going on with everybody that I forgot that you’re a great woman, and I’m lucky to have you.”
Nancy looked into Benoit’s eyes and nearly broke down to tears. She embraced her husband of eight years and smothered him in kisses before she held him as close as she could, awkward as it may have been what with the table in the way.
“Please, spend more time with me. With your son. We miss you.”
Chris looked from his dear wife to Twilight and then back to his wife. It didn’t take much thought from him to come up with his decision. “I will. I promise I will. From now on, I’ll try and spend as much time as I can. But you know I can’t be here all the time.”
“I understand that, Chris. It’s the kind of commitment I made when I married someone in the business. I just want to know that when you can, you will spend time with your family.”
“And I will, honey. From now on out.”
Nancy wiped the tears from her eyes with a finger and Chris bit his lip to stifle the emotions welling up in himself. Though this brief conflict was handled, the air was still perfumed with feelings of the unresolved. That, and steamed broccoli.
After some time had passed and the two had returned to a neutral position in their seats, quietly eating soup, Twilight came out and said “You know, it’s usually a bad idea to eat soup when sad.”
And with this, the two Benoit and Twilight all joined in a hearty laugh.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 24: The Morning After
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 25: Meanwhile at Luna's
Back in Equestria, things were going just about right as rain, except for the whole duck migration issue that has currently lead to approximately 17 deaths and innumerable injuries. But that is a matter for another story, one that shall permit the terrors that ducks may visit upon ponies. While this, naturally would leave one to believe that it would warrant Celestia’s attention, she was far too caught up in ordering her loyal ponies around to some other purpose.
Princess Celestia was pacing rapidly about the castle library, looking at the titles of tome after tome of spells she could use to help her find her long lost student, who had been missing for an inordinate amount of time. A day or so without a letter was fine and dandy, yet Twilight had been missing for at least a month, that of which she was sure. Despite her best efforts, even her most talented wizards, and the renowned Trixie, that she could contact could not locate her faithful student.
“How goes the search of Saddle Arabia?” She asked Shining Armor, who himself had been especially worried for his missing sister.
“Your majesty,” He said as he bowed and removed his helmet, “We are literally combing every grain sand over every dune. Honestly, it’s starting to look like a rock garden.”
“And what of Stalliongrad? Have we had any word?”
“They are looking into every one of their many prisons, but still no sign of her. Please, princess, I know it’s not my place to speak out of turn but you must calm down. She’s my sister, so I’ll be just as dedicated when searching for Twilight.”
Celestia brushed some of her hair, which used to always be beautiful and ever flowing even in a still room yet was now in a state of disarray and split ends, out of her face with her hoof and sighed. “I suppose you are correct. I’ve not been able to sleep, and the rest shall do me some good. Please, if you find anything do not hesitate to wake me.”
“Understood. Leave the searching to me, princess!” Shining Armor then saluted as Princess Celestia left the room and went her way to the kitchen for a snack before bed.
Once she arrived in the kitchen, though, she found her dear sister, Princess Luna already in the process of snatching a moon pie. Like a deer in headlights, they both froze in place, staring at one another and wondering why. Celestia, though, remembered she wasn’t doing anything wrong first and so was the first to speak.
“Greetings, sister. I see a thousand years haven’t changed a thing.” No matter how tired she was, she still found it in her to smile at her sister’s antics.
Luna looked at the moon pie hanging in her mouth and then back to Celestia and became quite embarrassed. “Eyfe cans esplayne” She then bit a piece and chewed it thoroughly, then held it aloft with her magic. “I missed breakfast.”
“Well I do not blame you for that. It seems Twilight’s disappearance has taken its toll on everypony. When you last saw her, are you sure she didn’t say anything about leaving?”
“Quite the opposite! She was firm in telling me to leave instead.”
“That I know, but are you sure you don’t know why?”
“I am honest, sister! I haven’t the faintest idea why she was so abrupt with me leaving. Especially when I was so kind as to extend a branch of peace and recreation with her. But I’m sure she didn’t mind me returning to pick up my things, especially since it now led to our ongoing search.”
“Well, wherever she is, I do hope she is well. Please, when you go to guard the night, remain vigilant.”
“Of course, sister. It is my duty, and I shall perform it proudly.”
Celestia nodded at this, knowing she could trust her sister, and so she retrieved a banana from the icebox and retired to her room. What she did not know, was that Luna would be spending the majority of the night clocking in more hours trying to develop her personal create-a-wrestler character to not look like a fish-pony.
Author's Note
SvR 2008 has a fantastic Create-a-Wrestler system, as with pretty much every WWE game, but it's still difficult to work on the precise attributes if one has hooves instead of fingers.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 26: Chris Benoit Gets Drafted
A few days passed since the Benoit family had their visit from a certain alicorn, yet considering the status quo it would be hard to guess if it happened at all. Twilight finally got a hang of her exercise regimen without the aid of Chris Benoit. While Matt Helms was certainly not much of a sparring partner, given he kept on going robot-y every time they went at it, he was still plenty practice to keep her up to speed with what to expect. While she continued to research more about how she might get back, the future appeared dim. It was about to get even bleaker.When we find that way, maybe we could stay in touch.”
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 27: Create-a-Wrestler: Horse Sized Duck
There are things in this world far too horrifying to be mentioned in good taste or described adequately in literature. If a picture is worth a hundred words, then the bizarre nature of the creature featured in this brief tale warrants an epic of its gruesome character. Some, many even, may not be able to genuinely appreciate the turgid mental ichor that seeps into the mind upon learning of truth, corrupting it beyond relief. This truth, is of the abomination known as a duck.
Twilight minded not these terrible things, for she had more on her mind besides this and had not expected anything of great surprise when she walked down the halls for appearance at yet another special Monday Night Raw. She pondered, woefully, what awaited her tonight. Could it be another sentient geometric shape operating off of its own principles of reality? Would it be some odd fish-beast of mesopotamian lore? Perhaps it would be just some creature with an affection for spoons and rusted objects.
“And to face off against our horse-sized competitor, we brought in the workhorse of Smackdown, Twilight Sparkle!”
That was her cue, and she strode onto the entry ramp and waved a hoof to the crowd. These good people that she hardly knew cheered for her as though she were a beloved idle to them. While this was still something to get used to, she managed to adapt by now, as she had when she first got her wings. But, she couldn’t very well just stand around waving to the fans, and so she ceased and proceeded down the ramp.
Half way along, she immediately stopped to size up her opponent, only to find that upon a proper and accurate estimation she felt a shudder violently pass its way along her body, like a tidal wave of fear crashed against her very spirit. But she was not lucky to leave the mortal realm of mortal threats.
“Would you look at that, King? I think your little work horse is getting afraid!”
“Maybe a little, I mean would you look at his foe?”
And indeed, simply glancing at this monster that stood in the ring, waiting for the presence of one Twilight Sparkle, would be enough to disturb the sane and rational mind. With webbed orange feet stained brown in spots from mud, and a flattened, tan, paddle-like bill on its face one could see it was more than well equipped to smash any and all in its path. Couple this with its insidiously gorgeous brown and gray feather scheme that transitioned abruptly via a white collar into a beetle-green head, provided for a deceptive beast in its ordinary state. This uncommon mallard, however, was far different than most. It was the size of a horse.
“But we all know Twilight, and he hasn’t shied away from a fight and he’ll fight anyone!”
Twilight, upon realizing her foe, immediately turned away and started walking back up the ramp. She did not want to die today in addition to whatever this giant flipping duck had to offer.
“No, Twilight, stop shying away! Somebody stop him!”
The crowd booed and the fans begged Twilight not to forfeit, but she would not listen and continued along her way. However, one last comment from JR did happen to change this.
“Wait, what is this?” She then heard a resounding metal clang which caused her to turn her head back to the ring, only to see none other than Gregory Helms armed with a steel chair standing over the knocked-over giant duck.
“It seems like Gregory Helms isn’t about to let his fellow wrestler face this new guy alone!”
Gregory Helms smashed the duck one more time and hopped out of the ring and waved to Twilight. “Yo, get your butt back in here and beat up this duck!”
Now knowing that she wasn’t alone in this, Twilight galloped her way to the ring and flew right over the ropes, landing in front of the duck that began to get to its senses and arrived back on its big goofy orange feet.
“Quack quack quawk!”
“Yeah, well, you too!”
And so Twilight the winged unicorn and the horse-sized duck grappled at one another, hoof to feather and beak to horn, trying to get the edge over one another. But they were not evenly matched, and while Twilight lacked the duck’s natural tendency towards abominable acts, she had far greater strength from her time in wrestling and tossed the duck right into one of the turnbuckles.
“Looks like we got the match off right! And Twilight starts off with cornering her opponent.”
Twilight ran right to the duck, span on her front hooves, and bucked it right in its big dumb ugly duck face!
“Oof! Right in the kisser!”
“Now King, I know for a fact ducks don’t kiss. They kill. And they don’t stop at that!”
“Well come on, even animals gotta eat, right?”
“That’s right, King. That’s right.”
The duck was stunned but relied on its natural instinct and bit Twilight on the neck. With her in its grip, it threw her over the ropes and let her slam outside. Not wishing to tangle with a foe it could not gain the immediate advantage over, nature’s scumbag, the duck, began to beat its horse-sized wings and flew into the air, but could not escape as the arena was a closed area.
“The duck is going, the duck is goi-” Jerry Lawler began, before spotting the duck flying away. “Oh, the duck is gone. Uh, do we even have rules about this?”
“I have no clue. Does anybody have a T-shirt cannon nearby? We might need it if this wrestler won’t come back.”
“Wait, no!” Jerry stood up and pointed over to the recovering Twilight. “Twilight looks like he’s got a plan!”
And indeed she did. Twilight saw the duck flying away, and was like “You’re not getting away that easily!” And she took to the air herself.
“What the hay? Jerry, do you see this?”
“Yes I do, JR. You know what this means?”
“Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong are in charge of the ventilation repair again?”
“No, it means Twilight’s one of the best jumpers WWE has ever seen!”
Twilight sped up and managed to fly in front of the nature’s most evil creature and greatest mistake. “Duck, you have been a plague on all creatures big and small, do you have any last words?”
“Quack.”
Twilight ignored its vile insult and flew behind it, and wrapped her forehooves around it from the back, clutching its wings to its side and preventing it from being able to fly. She then followed suit and held her wings back and guided the duo towards the center of the ring.
“What’s this? No way, it can’t be!”
“My god, I think he’s going to do it!”
Falling together, Twilight slammed the oversized avian right on it’s neck in the center of the ring with the combined force of gravity and both their weights!
“THE WORLD’S BIGGEST SUPLEX!”
“I swear to god, he’s broken in half!”
Twilight released her grip and quickly secured the pin.
“One, two, three!” And with that the referee declared the victory over the horrible monster.
When the bell rang, Gregory came up from ringside and helped Twilight back on her four hooves. “Man, you rocked it out there!”
“Thanks Gregory, but it’s not over yet.”
Gregory Helms nodded and handed Twilight a spare folding chair as he lifted his own over his head. Together, they began smashing the duck well into the night. Normally, one may consider this a heel-turn, but ducks are a special exception along with Adolph Hitler and your mother’s stew which I still attest must be alive.
Author's Note
Man, I would rather fight a hundred duck-sized horses than a horse sized duck. Ducks are the honey badgers of the avian kingdom. You thought it was hawks? No!
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 29: The Stone Cold Shoulder
It was the wonderful day at the arena where the show was to occur, but the week before it was decided that the doors would open briefly so that the wrestlers would have the chance to meet and talk with their fans. Everybody seemed to have fun, even one Twilight Sparkle. For a pony with no fingers, her handwriting was impeccable, and she genuinely began to enjoy signing autographs on pictures and magazines that fan after fan held out for her, each fan not seemingly noticing her equine nature.
Indeed, the majority of the cast of both Smackdown and Raw rosters were gathered on this fine afternoon and everything was going perfectly. The only thing missing in particular was that one wrestler was not present, but that was all very fine and dandy as every superstar who knew him were rather relieved he was not there.
Yet still, even though most of the wrestlers showed up, and even Gregory Helms managed to keep Twilight some company by having his booth set up next to hers, she still missed the presence of her friend Chris Benoit. How was he? What was he doing right now? She hoped greatly that he was enjoying himself with his family. But with the growing line of fans wanting to get their merch autographed, Twilight found herself too preoccupied for daydreaming.
“Yo, Twilight, how come you got such a bigger line than mine? I mean, the site says you got literally no fans.”
“I have no clue. Teddy burst into my room a while ago and gave me a lecture about it, but really nothing seems to be wrong. I suspect the ‘site’ is run by liars.”
“Damn, and here I was thinking I’d get a fair shake. You know, I don’t mean any hate but I’m just really pissed about how I’ve been in wrestling since the 90’s and yet you come in and it’s like ‘Boom! He’s the hottest thing since the Hurricane.’ Come on, that’s real stupid, man.”
“Trust me, I don’t like all this as much as you’d think. I had a bad time with this one pony who wanted all the glory and it really put things in perspective.”
“Again with this pony junk. Man, we already had this crazy guy in wrestling once and he was called the Ultimate Warrior. And no offense, but you ain’t no Warrior, man.”
“Fair enough.”
This conversation, along with many others, was interrupted by the sudden surprise appearance of a very angry, very drunk, and very bald man.
“Stone Cold Steve Austin in the house, ladies!” Shouted the Texas Rattlesnake, as he marched his way towards the booth of Montel Vontavious Porter with a six pack of Budweiser in one hand and shoved crowds of children and men aside with the other .
“What’s up, Austin? Looking for an autograph?”
“Get outta my booth you son of a bitch!” Stone Cold then laid a hard right fist right into the chin of MVP and knocked him flat on his rear end. He then went to the other side of the booth and let out a loud burp and opened up each of the cans of beers he had and just started pouring them in a volumetric cone towards his mouth. Most of it just splashed against his face, though.
“Ah crap, here’s Austin. Man, this is garbage!” Helms exclaimed to Twilight in exasperation.
After finishing his beverage of choice, Austin chucked the empty cans at a little old lady wearing a Hulkamania shirt and knocked her out. MVP, meanwhile, just slithered on out of the area as he did not want to be anywhere around the powder keg that was the liquored up Texan.
“Jeez, shouldn’t somebody stop him?” Twilight mused to Gregory.
Austin then noticed this remark briefly and waltzed up to the two. “Oh, I’m sorry, am I interrupting your gossiping, ladies?”
Twilight took a more stern stance and braced herself for a fight. “Well, actually I’d like to say-”
“What?”
“As I was saying-”
“What!?”
“Please stop this-”
“WHAT?”
“G’ah!” Twilight gave up on trying to explain herself.
Austin, meanwhile, was all too amused by this and started laughing harshly. “Ha ha ha! What? The workhorse of the WWE can’t talk? What are you, stupid? Stupid like a horse?”
“As a pony I take offense to that.”
“As a pony you should shut the hell up!”
Twilight gave up, there was simply no reasoning with this buffoon. But that didn’t dissuade said buffoon.
“You know,” He continued. “I can see why people would be into you. Some people don’t drink enough to see through your bullcrap! Hell, the only one more full of crap than you is that Canadian you hang around.”
“Oh, soory, you mean me?” And then everyone in the room turned around to see that none other than the Canadian Crippler Chris Benoit in full wrestling attire entered the room with the light from outside splashed across his back in almost angelic imagery, while also casting Stone Cold Steve Austin into the dark of his shadow.
“Back off, Benoit, this isn’t about you!”
“Really? Well, I guess I’ll just turn around and head out the door.”
“Damn straight you will!”
“But then that would mean the only other guys you’re talking about would be Edge, Christian, Triple H, and I’m sure I could give Abdullah The Butcher a call. But let’s face it, nobody wants to see Abdullah here, right?”
“Shut up, smartass!” Stone Cold yelled out as he started stomping his way at Benoit.
“No, you shut up! I’ve had it up to here with you, Stone Cold!” Benoit said, doing much of the same.
At that point in time it seemed as though everything seemed to revolve around these two superstars as they faced off against each other in that crowded area as the fans and fellow formed a circle around the two. They stared daggers at each other, yet the gaze of one was from unmitigated drunken fury and the other was of moral disdain. Though the tension was high, the words shared between the wrestlers after the initial outbursts were little but whispers.
“You’re dead, Benoit.”
“Bring it, Austin.”
Just then a small band of security guards came, two of them ushering Benoit out of the building while the rest focus primarily on keeping a thrashing and flailing Austin from going totally out of control. After Benoit left the remaining two guards forced all the guests out of the building and the wrestlers. Twilight Sparkle, meanwhile joined the leaving droves of disappointed fans to meet up with Chris Benoit outside, who was shaking hands with said disappointed fans in a consolation to a failed signing event.
“Hey Chris!” Twilight called out as she went to his side.
“Heh, hey there Twilight. Soory about how I acted back there, it was a little brash.”
“Honestly, I can’t blame you. He’s a bit on the rough side himself.”
“I get that. But I really lost my cool in there, and that could’ve gotten nasty because of it. I knew I should’ve just backed off or tried to calm him down, but instead I challenged him and now this whole event thing is ruined.”
“It’s alright Chris, we can always have another one. It’s important that nobody was hurt during this one, though. So don’t beat yourself up over it.”
Eventually everyone went back to their cars and tents to better prepare for the event seeing as the festivities were pretty much officially over. Chris Benoit looked upon these crowds moving away and sighed in acceptance. “Yeah, alright.”
A thought then manifested itself suddenly in Twilight’s mind. “By the way, why are you here?”
“Oh!” Chris snapped out of his drudgery and focused his attention back at Twilight with a smile on his face. “That’s right! I came here to tell you that Daniel is only having a half day at school in a few days, so I think that would be a great time for you to meet up with all of us for once!”
“That sounds great! I’ll make sure to show up. When, specifically, should I show up?”
“About next week, on June 26. I’ll make sure we’re all ready for you. Hah, just wait until my son gets a look at you!”
Twilight let out a giggle at the thought of this but soon recognized the potential outcome of this. “Sounds like it’ll be great, but like you warned me, I’ll try and be careful.”
“I’m sure you will. We’ll have ourselves a great time.”
Author's Note
I'm vaguely certain there was a real skit where Austin knocks out an old hulkamaniac with a bunch of empty beer cans. I mean, they had Shawn Michaels deliver Sweet Chin Music to a little girl once while he was out of work.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 30: Create-a-Wrestler: El Amarillo Y Rosa Amigo De Mexico!
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jerry ‘the King’ Lawler.”
“And I’m your announcer Jim Ross.”
“And I,” Announced a portly man with wild black hair and a nasty mustache as he hopped onto a table, revealing he was dressed in little more than a red cape and baby blue pants, “Am Ignacio. But you all may better know me as the famed wrestler,” He then took a deep breath before bellowing out “NAAACHOOOO! The one who defeated Ramses with the powers of an Eagle and the will of the orphans on my side.”
“Yeah, that’s great, now get your ass down.” JR then tugged on his pants and made him fall down on the floor square on his behind.
“Anyways,” King said and got the commentary back in proper shape, “Today on our special match we’ve got an international competition between our own WWE Superstar versus a so called ‘hero’ as brought to here by the good folks at AAA.”
“Well shoot, I knew those guys were great at cars but now they’re getting into wrestling? Them folks really are industrious!”
“Not Triple A, JR, AAA. Basically it’s their version of the WWE.”
“Yes,” Announced Nacho who was now back in his seat and straightened out. “The great organization of the AAA has endorsed and supported many great wrestlers of our time, and is even responsible for supplying the WWE with our best and brightest.”
“Like Konnan?”
Nacho then wiped away immediately forming sweat drops of nervousness from his forehead. “Yes, well, um, Konnan who? I don’t know this Konnan. Who is this Konnan that you speak of? Anyways, we should get on with the show? I think that’s agreed. Iseverybodyonboard?Yes?Okay,letsstarttheshow!”
While JR and King were recoiling from their nervous guest, the pyrotechnics up the ramp blew as the familiar face of the WWE appeared at a trotting pace. She waved to the cheering crowds with a hoof as she passed down and was soon enough at the entrance to the ring. With no flair whatsoever, she nonchalantly entered the ring and entered the well tested squared circle.
“Here tonight from parts unknown, the workhorse of the WWE, Twilight Sparkle!”
With her usual brief yet ceremonious introductions out of the way, what was left was for the other wrestler to appear. The lights darkened and Twilight guessed that her opponent was likely more flashy than she.
“And here tonight from parts unknown, la trabajador cabello de AAA, El Amarillo y Rosa Amigo De Mexico!”
With that the lights brightened to their usual hew and somber tones began to play. This was all accompanied by the appearance of some sort of superman who’s muscles rippled with each step and were visible through the yellowed leather long-johns that her opponent was wearing. His hands were cupped together as he swiftly yet carefully strode towards the ring as fast as possible, as though embarrassed with the whole affair. Although it could be more likely be because of his bizarre looking long pink hair.
“El Amarillo Y Rosa Amigo De Mexico? You wanna translate for us there Chalupa?”
“Come on, JR, you might only have a Texas level education but surely you understand The Yellow and Pink Friend of Mexico?”
“Si,” Nacho affirmed, “Mr. King is right, our wrestler is indeed named such thanks to her trainer, Apache, who could not choose a name more apt. Thanks to his training and guidance, though, she has risen to the top and made a name for herself all across the Latin nations.”
“Well shoot, things look like Twilight here might finally have a real match for once.” JR said with glee.
The wrestler, as though self-conscious with every action, climbed into the ring nervously and squared off against Twilight. She herself was cautious, but curious as to if her reputation preceded her as being undefeated up to this point.
“N-Nice to meet you.” Her opponent said in a voice of absolute masculinity that did not fit the shyness exuded from him.
Though on the edges of her hooves, Twilight offered a similarly friendly greeting. “Nice to meet you too, sir. I hope we’ll have a good match tonight.”
“Oh, I don’t like fighting, sorry. But I really can’t lose or else I won’t be able to get back home. I need to get back home, my friends are probably worried sick about me.”
“Really? I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m also in a similar situation. Hopefully you can go back to your friends at your own wrestling group after you talk with your manager.”
“I’m sorry, but for my friends I can’t lose.” The shyness began to slide away as the wrestler now assumed a more significant, albeit likely faux, stance of dominance that towered above Twilight.
“Well then you leave me with no other option!” Twilight took her own battle mode as well and spread her wings and braced herself to no reaction from her opponent.
“Looks like the wrestlers are ready,” Nacho shouted and rang the bell.
Ready for the other one to make the first strike, they circled about the ring once before Twilight finally lunged in a tackle at the luchadore! However, he was not fazed and managed to grapple with the horse with surprising dexterity and got it into a forward-facing headlock. Twilight knew this was prime DDT position, and so she thrashed wildly to try and escape from such a hold.
The luchadore held fast and kept a strong grip and with some effort managed to lift Twilight by the neck and slam her behind himself in what was a very dangerous vertical suplex. Only a few wrestlers have a spine strong enough to withstand such a substantial blow, and she was lucky not to have been internally decapitated.
The luchadore released Twilight and she was back on her feet soon enough, squared off against the powerful foe. It was clear that with such speed, precision, and power, she wouldn’t win in a head-on fight. So she switched to using what her opponent clearly didn’t have, wings, and took the skies to prepare for a diving blow.
Twilight’s achieved decent height before she stopped mid-flight to dive at the luchadore, only to find that he was hovering in the air right next to her!
“Um, I do not believe gravity works this way. I should know, I fell off a cliff.”
“How’d that happen? Were you such a dangerous wrestler that you had a house on a cliff so you could always live on the edge?”
“What? No, that’s silly. I learned from the gypsies that I could eat an eagle egg to gain its powers. I still can’t fly as well as these two wrestlers!”
Without a mind for the commentary from the announcer’s table, Twilight herself reached the conclusion that she was rather distraught with the idea that a human, without wings, was flying right in front of her. Maybe he was just so mad buff that he was capable of exerting his huge-power on gravity?
“No! Why are you flying?”
“W-Well you’re doing it too.”
“No, you’re not allowed to fly!” Twilight said and then flew behind the luchadore. “You’re grounded!” She then grappled the waist of her opponent to get him in prime German Suplex position, but the wrestler was more capable than most and was able to effectively struggle, throwing Twilight off balance and preventing her wings from being effective. Together, Twilight and the luchadore spiraled out of control and eventually slammed mutually into the ring.
“What an impact! I hope Twilight’s still okay!” Shouted King from the announcer’s table. The referee in the ring, though not a participant in the massive fall, was stunned and hardly knew how to call the match. Neither of the wrestlers were getting up!
After a few moments of baited breaths from everyone in the arena and at home, the bodies of the two warriors began to arise, beaten and bruised and hardly able to effectively combat one another. They still persisted on, and walked towards one another in a futile effort to fight. La Amarillo let go with a weak punch to Twilight’s jaw, and Twilight retaliated by dully attempting another tackle against the swole luchadore.
The luchadore grappled against Twilight and tried to roll her over, but could not muster the strength necessary to accomplish this. Twilight, however, managed to nudge at her opponents legs and drop him onto his back, leading her to take advantage of the position and secure the pin.
The referee slid to be prone and ensure her shoulders were pinned and he began to slap the mat. “One, two, three!” And upon the final numerical exclamation the bell rang leaving Twilight the winner!
“That’s my guy, I knew he would win!”
“Aye, today is a sad day as the amigo of all of Mexico has lost.” Nacho bowed his head in defeat.
Twilight crawled out of the ring and up the rant amidst a roar of encouragement from the fans. She turned back to see a rotund man wearing an elaborate feather headdress approach the fallen pink-haired luchadore. She could not hear what was said, but she understood when the luchadore received a thumbs up from his ally.
And then the most bizarre thing happened. The man in the headdress got up on the shoulders of the luchadore and they both started flying away. Twilight returned to her room more confused than ever.
Author's Note
Are there more Lucha Libre fanfictions on this site?
Only time will tell!
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 31: Na-na-na-na. . .
Chapter 31: Na-na-na-na. . .
Twilight Sparkle had some difficulty in making her way to the home on one Chris Benoit because as she couldn’t control the teleportation on her bedroom, but with some effort and one plane ride later she was finally in a cab heading straight for his home. Her first visit was somewhat enjoyable, though the reaction from his wife was different than expected, but Twilight found that the more she left the stadium that she lived at the more weird looks she would receive from people as though the world finally caught up to her not necessarily fitting in.
Perhaps most unusual of all was that the cab driver was most accommodating of this.
“You know, usually I charge extra for anyone who’s really, y’know, large. But considering I don’t always get the chance to drive a purple horse around, you’re worth the exception.” The man said from the cordoned off front seat of the vehicle.
“Thanks again for that, I mean I’d be willing to pay.”
“Nah, don’t mention it! Although I guess it makes sense you going here, on account of all the horse farms and whatnot.”
Twilight could only help but smile at this. “Well, I’m not exactly visiting those places. I’m just going to visit a friend.”
“A friend? That wouldn’t happen to be Mister Ed, would it? I loved that show!”
“Mister who, now?”
“Ah, sorry about that. I guess I made the assumption all you talking horses know each other.”
“Well, if there are any that talk then I’d be glad to speak to them about something. But this is the first I’ve heard about it.”
“I hear you, I hear you. By the way, we still got a bit of a ride left, so if you wanna check out the magazines I got back there then feel free, just don’t mess them up, alright?”
Twilight nodded and looked into a pouch hidden behind the seat. Sure enough, there were several publications behind it, hardly suitable reading material but enough to occupy her time. As luck would have it, though, after passing up an issue of Vanity Fair and a copy of IGN Monthly, Twilight found herself a fairly recent copy of some sort of professional wrestling themed magazine featuring some Diva on the cover.
It was filled with what she expected from such trashy material, but what did catch her eye was an interview with Vince McMahon. In it, she read that apparently Vince, her boss, was getting caught up with the surge in wrestlers wanting a piece of none other than herself, something she was not too fond of.
“We need to push the entire cast of Katawa Shoujo for Summerslam!” She read to herself, wondering what in the world this means but knowing that hopefully Teddy Long would dissuade Vince from this. She had no idea what a Katawa Shoujo was, but she sure didn’t like the sounds of it. She also didn’t like the other names being thrown out either; DMX, Ultimate Warrior, Shadow Jago, Tom Clancy, The Tick, Fritz the Cat, and Kazuma Kiryu.
Apparently one of the most upsetting suggestions from Vince McMahon was a woman named Marie Curie, as the interviewer asked “Sir, she’s been dead for, like, eighty years. I don’t think she can wrestle.”
“Sure she can!” She read his response. “You ever see Weekend At Burnie’s? We’ll just do that!”
Twilight hoped very much that Vince would have enough respect for those who have fallen in their own time not to force them to wrestle her. She didn’t know what this Weekend At Burnie’s was, but she knew it was dark magic.
“Alright horsey, here’s your stop.” Said the cab driver just before he slammed on the brakes causing Twilight to fall to the floor of the back seat area. After recovering from her fall, Twilight lifted her head up to see that she was near enough to the Benoit house, but still about a mile away from it.
“Um, this isn’t where I wanted to be dropped off.”
“Yeah yeah yeah, a lot of people say that. Now get out.”
“Come on, it’s only a little bit more. Please?”
“Horse, do I look like someone who cares about that? Trick question, no. I’m a cab driver, now get out of my cab!”
Twilight left the ugly yellow vehicle and was left stranded on the side of the road. Still, at least she was only a mile away. Although she sure would have to give Benoit a stern look for recommending taking a cab, given the driver’s sudden rude service. But such was in the past, and she did not deliberate on the subject any longer and headed down the lone road.
It was the most boring mile that she had ever walked, and reminded her all the more that she really needed to begin using her wings more casually if this was going to be a common occurrence. Twilight was soon snapped out of her regretful decision making as she plodded along by a bustling commotion and flashing of blue and red lights up ahead. Up ahead at the Benoit house.
Twilight galloped ahead to see what was going on, and grew intimidated as she approached to see the section of the horse cordoned off by yellow tape and a crowd of people, most of which she knew by now to be reporters, all shoving each other just barely over the makeshift line as men dressed in dark blue uniforms attempted to keep the crowd back. She saw one patch that was relatively unattended and came closer to it, only to be stopped from entering as one of the men in blue stood before her yet behind the yellow line.
“Shoo, shoo horsey! Go on, get out of here!” The man said, waving his hands at Twilight.
“Damnit Hererra, what the hell are you doing?” Shouted another man in a chastising manner.
“Sorry, this stupid horse was about to enter the scene!” The man continued to wave his hands and try and shoo her away. “Go on, there’s no salt licks or whatever here.”
“Sir, I can talk.”
The man predictably let his jaw drop at the utter fascination of this.
“This is the part where you go ‘Oh dear heavens, it can talk,’ right?”
The man breathed silently to himself the very words Twilight assumed he would say and did his best to remain calm despite the clear violations of natural laws that this situation presented.
“Alright, so, uh, what is it you want, Miss Horse?”
“My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I’m a friend of someone who lives here. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“Welp,” The man clapped his hands together and smacked his lips in resignation. “I suppose nobody’s going to believe a talking horse, so I’m going to be honest. We’re the police, we solve crimes and basically do all the good guy stuff. You understand that, right?”
Twilight nodded in response.
“Okay, so we’re here because somebody asked us to do a check up on the guy at the house to make sure he’s okay.”
“This ‘guy’ wouldn’t happen to be named Chris Benoit, would he?” Twilight felt herself tense up at the prospect of this.
“That’s right, actually.” As the police officer scratched at his head, Twilight felt herself worry further. “Anyways, long story short is that he isn’t okay.”
Like that, Twilight felt her heart skip a beat. “What do you mean he isn’t okay? What happened!”
The cop waved his hands down. “Settle down, alright. Getting pissed won’t help anything. Did you know Mister Benoit?”
Twilight managed to restrain herself, but remained worried. “Yes, I’m his friend. Please, tell me, what happened?”
“Well,” The officer waved his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but we found the bodies of what we believe to be Mister Benoit, a woman, and a boy. They’re,” the officer paused briefly as the words he said had some impact even on him. “They’re dead.”
Twilight felt a shudder wash over her whole body as she heard this. She managed to fight back tears, more easily than she would have imagined. She had no reason to doubt the officer, but still she wanted to doubt that what he said was true. However she wished, still she came to accept the idea that one of her best friends in this new world was gone.
“This isn’t right. Who did this?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t know. I don’t know much, I only just got here a few hours ago, but I’m sure they’ll probably publish the details in some magazine. The guy was pretty famous, he was in some sports or something.”
This only furthered Twilight’s distraught feelings over the whole ordeal, as she felt as though her friend, even in death, had been disrespected some way.
“Hey,” The officer placed his hand on Twilight’s frontmost shoulder. “I know what you’re going through, we all lose someone in our life. I might not understand specifically, but I can tell you it’s going to be hard from now on. You may be a horse, but I’m sure even you got feelings, and I’m telling you now that you don’t have to bottle it all up. When you’re ready to cry, go ahead. But whoever this Benoit guy was, I’m sure he’d want you to get on with your life as soon as possible, so don’t hesitate to grieve.”
These words offered Twilight some kindness, and though she was still mostly shocked over the incident she made a mental note of what the man said.
“Now go on home, wherever the home of talking horses is.”
Seeing that it looked like the professionals of this world had the situation under control, Twilight agreed with the officer’s well placed, albeit rude, statement. She turned away and plodded along with her head held low.
Author's Note
As of now, I don't think I'm going to put in any more Create-a-Wrestler chapters.
Man, Benoit . . . I hope nobody starts singing Kiss Him Goodbye by Steam.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 32: The Coldest Truth
After the initial shock wore off mid flight back to what now seemed to be her permanent home, Twilight felt herself under some immense metaphysical pressure that kept her from being as talkative as she normally would have been. Her presence as she returned home amidst the stares and inquisitive looks of bystanders were no longer explained calmly, for Twilight fought in an internal struggle with herself to resolve her feelings of her situation.
She had lost a dear friend, and could do little at the moment but hope that the police would do their job. As the authorities in this world, she trusted that they would deliver justice however was suitable, but she doubted that this would provide some recompense for the torment she went through.
She dabbled in her mind the ordeal the Benoit family went through, but she found the idea of what happened too horrifying to imagine and did her best to dissuade herself from this. For the rest of the week, the remaining wrestlers continued to practice and discuss matters in a more somber tone with acknowledgement to one of their own, but Twilight was absent in these for she remained in her room as she continued to mediate her own feelings.
Soon enough, the door to her room opened and came in the white suited figure of Theodore Long who saw the depressed Twilight lying on the floor.
“Hey there, you a’ight?”
Twilight looked at him and sighed. She knew the grand friendship she and Benoit shared, and so little needed to be said that she was indeed not alright.
Theodore Long went over to Twilight and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Look, I get ya, I know this whole Benoit thing has got you down. Just about everyone here respected him, he was a real great playa,” Theodore then quickly corrected himself. “I mean he was a real great man. Twilight, I wish you told me that you were going to visit him, because on Monday we held a memorial service for him and it would’ve been great for you to have been there. One of these fools should’ve told you about it.”
Twilight simply remained in place and acknowledged what he said silently.
“Listen, we’re going to have a few words of kindness from the people who missed out on Monday, so you gotta get up, alright? You were pretty close with him, so you gotta say something. You feel me, playa?”
Twilight nodded in agreement and Teddy respectfully left the room with no further intrusion. “A’ight, seeya Friday.”
That Friday night, before any of the major matches at Smackdown began, the few wrestlers who were not present at the prior memorial, especially Twilight, were gathered in the ring beside a table that only supported a solitary framed picture of the late Canadian Crippler. The fans themselves chattered only mildly as the greater majority of them remained quiet in continued respect for a fallen superstar.
One by one, each of the members said their piece before the last person handed the mic over to Twilight who accepted it in her hoof. She looked around and saw that everybody shared a similar sadness that deserved her input on the famed wrestler.
“This has been a very sad time for all of us. There’s not much I could say that hasn’t been said by everyone else, but even so we still barely know the man outside of who he was in the ring. Many of you know by now that he was a really great guy, and despite being a heel he was genuinely a good guy.”
The crowd agreed amongst themselves at this statement from their respected newcomer.
“And despite being one of the best wrestlers we all know, he told me that he was planning on quitting this sport and moving on to setting up a gymnasium to train new wrestlers. That’s right, he was going to retire. Though he may not be here anymore, and though his plans never will go through, we should all remember to show him the respect he deserves, even though he’s passed away, and to hope that one day the villain who attacked him and his family will be caught.”
“Well well well, too late for that. The sonovabitch is not only caught, but he was found dead at the crime scene and he’s burning in hell right this moment!”
An eruption roared from the crowd as snacks flew out of hands and shouts were thrown around at the sudden appearance of Stone Cold Steve Austin.
“You know who that loser was? You want to take a guess who killed Benoit and his family? Go on, take a friggin’ guess!”
Twilight grunted to herself and stomped her hoof on the mat. “Steve Austin, we are trying to respect Benoit! We can talk about this later!”
“Yeah, well this sonovabitch doesn’t deserve respect!” EVERYBODY was booing Austin at this point. “You know who killed them all? It was Chris Benoit himself!”
And then, silence. Absolute silence saved for the beating hearts and bated breaths of everyone in the room. Twilight was remarkably incredulous about this, and broke this stunning quiet. “What? What do you mean?”
“I mean it was Benoit, Twilight! It was him all along! Nobody knew! Not even his immediate family knew! Y’know, because they were friggin’ dead!”
“Austin,” Twilight said, standing as tall as she could. “You burst in here as we pay our respects, you steal the show for yourself, and now you’re telling everyone these lies? Austin, you will leave this place right now!”
Austin tipped his head back and got the most smug grin on his face that was ever worn. “What?”
“I said get out!”
“What?”
“No! No! We’re not doing this again. I’m serious! Get out of here before I throw you out!”
Several moments passed before “What?” from Austin.
Twilight lunged at Austin, caring not for any obstacle in her path be it the ropes or ring itself. She felt like she was going to absolutely tear him limb from limb for this remark, something she never thought she would succumb to. Had it not been for the combined might of three heavyweight wrestlers holding her back, she surely would have had little problem with this. But as it stood, she was stopped from this as a laughing Austin walked away.
Author's Note
You know what goes great for Valentines day? This.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 33: Let's Light it Up!
Chapter 33: Let's Light it Up!
Twilight was literally steaming mad as she strode down the halls of the vast arena in search for Vince McMahon’s office. No, I mean it, she was emitting vapors of anger and salt, both of which stung the nose of Teddy Long who accompanied her on her march.
“Now listen playa, I feel you, you ain’t happy about what Austin said, but you can’t go through with this!”
“Cram it, Teddy!” Twilight said as the sound of her hooves clunking down on concrete drowned out the ongoing announcements from speakers strewn throughout the halls. “I will not let anyone talk about my friends like that!”
“But come on, playa, he might not be wrong. I mean, Benoit was always a little off.”
“No, Benoit would never do that. Benoit loved his family, and he had plans for a future with him.” Twilight said as much to Teddy as she said it to herself.
“A’ight Playa, I guess there’s no stopping you. By the way, take a left at the next hallway.”
Following his directions, Twilight also took an inquisitive look at Teddy. “Alright, but why?”
“Because you’ve been circling the arena for the last ten minutes.” Teddy then stopped at a door hidden in the shadows as Twilight unintentionally moved right on past before turning on her hooves and heading back to him. “Anyways, here you are, playa. Good luck.”
Twilight nodded in appreciation but did not forget her fervor. “Thanks Teddy.” She then opened the door and went inside the office of one rather surprised Vince McMahon.
“Twilight! Good to see you, what brings you to my office?”
“Chris, we need to talk. It’s about Austin.”
“He’s out of control?”
“Yes!” Twilight threw her hooves up in exasperation. “For all the yes I can say, yes yes yes yes yes yes yes! Austin has gone way out of line! You need to do something.”
Vince looked down and sighed, aware that he could no longer evade this dilemma. “Twilight, I understand. An ass like Austin deserves to be locked up and have the key snapped in two. But there’s nothing I can do about him until our ties are cut, which may be a while.”
“No Vince, that’s not good enough. Throw him in a dungeon or banish him to a forest or something, I don’t care, we just need to get rid of him somehow. The way he talked about Chris, it was just so disrespectful and disgusting!”
“I know how you feel, Twilight. I didn’t know Chris was thinking of leaving but I would’ve been behind him still. He was a great wrestler and I don’t care what Austin says, he’s getting into the WWE Hall of Fame as he deserves. But that’s about all I can do.”
“Surely you can do more?”
Vince blew hot air and sat up straight in his comfy office chair as his tweed suit clung to what muscle was under it. “Well. . . There’s not much anyone wants to do about it. Most of the wrestlers don’t want to participate in anything related to him, as they would see it as degrading.”
Twilight’s ears dropped. She couldn’t help but feel that there was some degree of helplessness that she was left with, unable to do anything to avenge her friend.
“Of course,” Vince then paused and clutched his hands together to hide his mouth behind them. “Sure, most everyone either feels like they just don't want to associate with him. Just about everyone else is afraid of him and his unhinged behavior. But there’s at least one, just one, that I know of who’s mad as hell and probably wouldn’t mind a little extra work next week to get a match against him.”
“Huh?” Twilight’s ears perked up.
“So, I hope you don’t mind having your match moved to next Friday Night Smackdown.”
“Wait, you mean it?”
Vince lowered his hands and Twilight saw the biggest grin on the old man’s face. “By the way, don’t call me Shirley.”
“Thank you, Vince! If there’s anything I can do in return, I promise I will do it.”
“Well now that you mention it,” Vince said, pausing for effect as he saw the now apprehensive wrestler’s face. “You had best give Austin an extra good beating, from me.”
Author's Note
After making this chapter and thinking about the next one, I have the PERFECT ending for this story. Like, it'd be something that probably legit happened in the WWE already.
As for something totally unrelated, but something I'd like to talk about: We need to push all the men and women who died in the squared circle for Mortislam! The Day of the Dead wrestling event of a deadtime! Join the Undertaker as he announces the world's greatest and most sinister matchups ever, from Brian Pillman Vs. Owen Heart to Ultimate Warrior Vs Macho Man Randy Savage! It's going to be the most brutal event of the year! Get your tickets todayyyy! YAYYY! Be thereRERRRR!!!
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 34: Poppin' Like a Pillman
Twilight Sparkle paced about her room furiously. She sent out Gregory Helms to do as much research on Stone Cold as he could, but lacked the foresight to accompany him on his mission. It had been four hours, and she had contemplated using the device known as the laptop that Benoit had showed her. After some voice announced “You got mail” she blew it to smithereens, so going to it was not an option.
After that four hours, the door opened and in came the former Hurricane, Gregory. “Yo, Twilight, I found so much on Austin that you wouldn’t believe.”
“I think I can believe it. Come on, what do I have to expect in the ring?”
“Oh, that.” Gregory then pulled a plastic case, not unlike the one Luna had long before, and tossed it over to the bench against the wall. “I found Austin’s DVD, at least one of them. But I don’t think you have to worry about him in the ring.”
“He didn’t get to where he can act like how he does and stay alongside us for nothing. He’s gotta have some edge over the other wrestlers.”
“Yeah, well a lot of other wrestlers have homes.”
“What do you mean?”
Gregory took a deep breath. “Twilight, Austin’s a freaking monster. No, I mean it, he’s probably going to be gunning for you outside of the ring so you need to watch your back.”
“I can handle myself.”
“Listen, I know this is going to sound screwed up, but so could Chris. No, Austin does some real nasty stuff outside the ring, Twilight.”
“Like what?”
“He beats his wife, a lot.”
The tension in the room rose dramatically and an air of silence pervaded the abode breifly before Twilight came to a reasonable reply. “That’s horrible.”
“I don’t know if this has to do with anything, but also she has the idea that somehow Chris, Austin, and steroids are all related somehow. You’ve seen the kind of tension going on between them, so he’s getting more riled up than usual.”
“He really is a monster.”
“That’s not all. In the 90’s, he had a feud with this dude that nobody remembers, and he ended up invading the guy’s home, beat up his two friends, and it was all caught on live television.”
“What? How has nobody done anything yet!”
“I don’t know. The guy’s practically above the law. But, this dude, this is a real heavy event because the guy had a gun, Austin knew he had a gun, and he still went after him. The guy’s dead, heart attack, but his daughter is trying to get into wrestling also. I think if you visit her, she might be able to tell you things about Austin. That’s the best I got.”
“Gotcha.”
Gregory nodded, gave her the notepad, and left the room. Twilight read it carefully and made the ever so familiar trip to the nearest airport. It was time she got some answers.
So Twilight arrived at the home of one ‘Sexy’ Lexi Pillman, the daughter to Brian Pillman, and what she saw was something not as notable as she would’ve thought. Down one side of the street was some guy in a hoodie constantly looking over his shoulder while on the other side was a few kids listening to some bizarre music containing the lyrics “Quick to the point to the point no fakin’, cooking MC’s like a pound of bacon.” Every house was set behind a short chain-link fence and the windows were all barred up. This neighborhood looked more like a warzone than a place where people lived, yet according to her notes she arrived at the address where she knew at least one person did.
She opened the gate of the fence and latched it behind her before proceeding up to the door. She came here only relatively prepared, as there seemed to be absolutely no information on this person beyond her name. But whatever earned her enough notoriety to be called ‘sexy,’ whatever that meant, surely means she must’ve been of some renown and culture. So without further to deliberate on, she knocked on the door and waited for a response.
“Who is it?” Shouted a voice that clearly belonged to a woman. Lexi, Twilight presumed.
“My name is Twilight Sparkle, I want to ask you a few questions.”
“The hell?” There was a rustling followed by the clanging and clicking of numerous latches and locks before the door was opened up by a woman standing at a comparable height to some of the lighter wrestlers Twilight knew. “Well holy shit, you’re that talking horse from the WWE! Rock on! Come on in, me casa es tu casa and all that crap.” Lexi then stood aside and let Twilight into her house.
The lights were off inside the house, despite it being night time, but Twilight managed to find her way decently inside the room. “Thanks for letting me in. I have something I want to talk about.”
“Yeah, no problem. I got some things to mention to you too. But first, welcome to the gun show!” And then Sexi Lexi Pillman stood in front of a wall decorated with numerous rifles of antiquity and modern handguns and began flexing her toned muscles.
Twilight was moderately impressed, yet raised an eyebrow to the objects behind Lexi. “That’s a good collection of, um, guns you have there.”
“Thanks, my dad was cool and all but all he had was a lousy glock. Me, I got real heavy into this stuff. So lets chill, what's on your mind?”
“Well, speaking about your dad, he’s kinda why I’m here.”
“Oh shit, you guys are finally letting me into the WWE!? Right on!” Lexi pumped her fist and showed off her collection of pearly whites when she smiled at this proposition.
“Actually no, sorry. It’s more serious than that.”
“Aw crap, well let’s get on with it then.” Lexi then took a seat on a torn up couch, which at least Twilight could see.
“Before we get started, could you turn on the lights?”
“Oh, crap, my bad. I don’t get visitors. Here,” Lexi then whipped out a pistol and fired a resounding shot at the nearby lightswitch, causing the lights to turn on. Twilight, meanwhile, buried her head in her hooves when the shot rang out and still had a ringing in her ears when it was over.
Recoiling from the shot, but accepting it as an unorthodox custom, Twilight continued with her questioning. “Anyways, I’m sorry to bring this up but I want to know if you know anything about Steve Austin. I know your dad and him got into a fight some time ago.”
“Yeah, I remember that real well.”
“That’s good to hear. Could you tell me a little bit about how it went down? I got a match against Austin next Friday.”
“Yeah, no problem. Like, I remember the day Austin tried to break into our house when I was a kid. Dad knew Austin was going to try some stuff, so he sent me away at a friends. He also made sure to call some friends to back him up and he pulled the gun out of his safe. Like, my dad, he put on a show that he was this crazed take-no-prisoners mad dog, but he was real cool once you met him for real. But Austin, man, Austin had no boundaries. Dad busted up his leg in an accident, and Austin was out to try and kill him. Long story short, Austin failed that night.”
“Well, at least that’s good to hear.”
“That didn’t keep him from trying again.”
“Wait, what?”
“Austin tried it again. A year later, dad was going to have a show where he would face off against Mick Foley when Foley was sporting that goofy hippy gimmick. So I visited dad when he was in his hotel room to wish him luck and talk over how I didn’t want to follow in his footsteps, which he was really kinda chill about. He said ‘Lexi, you do whatever you want. You’re my favorite girl, and whatever I can give you I will. You just gotta do one thing for me, and that’s be happy.’ Dad was real cool like that.”
“So then what happened?”
“The show was gonna start in an hour or two, so I left to do my own thing and hang out some place where I could catch his show. But on the way out, I notice a strange looking janitor. He had a fake-ass mustache on his lip and kept his head low. But that face, I remember that face well. It was that asshole, Austin!”
“What? What was Austin doing there?”
“I don’t freaking know! All I know is he was there, and dad died that night. I’m not into all that grassy knoll and Area 51 bullshit, but I can tell you firmly that Austin had something to do with my dad dying. That’s why I’m getting into wrestling, so I can set things straight and get back at Austin.”
“Oh no, oh no.” Twilight mumbled to herself, wavering a bit before leaning against the wall.”
“Whats up?”
“I think I know what happened to Chris.”
“Chris? Oh crap, you mean that guy that was feuding with Austin lately? What the heck happened?”
“Chris died last week, but it wasn’t what Austin said at all. Austin murdered Chris and his family!” Twilight straightened herself up and began to grit her teeth. “It was all Austin’s fault!”
“Holy crap,” Lexi thought on this to herself before nodding. “Yeah, that does sound right. Also, it would explain what happened to Owen Hart.”
“Who’s Owen Hart?”
“Owen Hart died the same year as my dad. I was at the show when it happened too, and I saw Austin up in the rafters doing stuff. He was in full costume too, so it was obviously him, and so he probably did something that ended up killing Owen. Listen, you gotta be careful, Austin’s a real bastard and he’s gonna try some shit.”
“I understand. But don’t worry, I’ll destroy him.”
“I know I don’t gotta worry, cus I’m gonna back you up. I’ll run in as an assist when the match starts so that when Austin tries something, I’ll be there to even the odds.”
“Thank you, I can use all the help I can get.”
“And you will.”
With a nod of acceptance, Twilight went over to the door and opened it up. “You want me to get the lights?” She said, nodding to the only remaining light switch on the wall.
“No thanks, I’ll handle it.” And so then Lexi Pillman yanks out her gun yet again and blasts the light bulb into smithereens, painting the room in darkness yet again.
Author's Note
Austin legit broke into Pillman's home, there's videos of it on Youtube but beware: Strong language is contained therein, hence why I can't post the video here. This was a huge thing and resulted in Pillman almost be excommunicated from the WWF altogether.
Also, if you thought this massive heel turn for Austin was bad, just wait until you get to the actual match. It's going to be amazing, I can guarantee that.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 35: Twilight Vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
“Welcome ladies and gentlemen to Friday Night Smackdown! I’m your host, Jim Ross.”
“And I’m Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler.”
“And have we got a treat for you. The hype is over and the match we’ve all been waiting months for has finally arrived! For those of you who have been in the loop, the workhorse of the WWE, Twilight Sparkle, has been granted an officially sanctioned match against our very own Stone Cold Steve Austin.”
“That’s right, everyone, you heard it right. Twilight Sparkle is going to fight against Stone Cold Steve Austin in what has been declared a no disqualification, pins count anywhere match. Last week, Austin came on the Chris Benoit memorial show and-”
“Wait a sec, King. Who are you talking about?”
“For Christ’s sake JR, has your memory gone or what?”
JR pulled Jerry under the table and spoke in a whisper. “Listen, the producers said we can’t talk about Benoit anymore.”
“But Jerry, this is important. We can’t just pretend like he never existed.”
“I hear you, King. But we gotta buck up and just accept it. If you don’t, they might never allow you into the Hall of Fame.”
Jerry sighed in defeat and nodded in agreement. Together, they rose back up. “Sorry everybody, what I mean is that Austin came on last week and showed such disrespect to Twilight that she said ‘Enough’s enough. I had it with these monkey fighting wrestlers on this Monday to Friday show!’ And she went straight to McMahon to challenge Austin.”
“Those were her exact words, right King?”
“Twilight is such a phenomenon that I wouldn’t put it past her, she’s just so amazing and cool and-”
“Alright, well when you’re done drooling over the newcomer, let’s get on with the show. It seems we’re gonna have a helluva match today folks. But first, a word from our sponsors.”
While the show paused in the arena proper, Twilight waited in the closet that served as her room. This was it, this was her one chance to avenge Benoit and tie up whatever loose ends she has.
“Yo, Twilight.” Gregory Helms sat on the sole bench in the room and dawdled idly. “So, Austin’s gonna probably try some junk.”
“I know. I’m expecting it. I have my own surprise if he does, though.”
“I’m just saying, I’mma be there in the stands, but all I can offer is moral support. So you best work extra hard, alright?”
Twilight nodded in appreciation as she worked at psyching herself up. If the trend she saw happened, she didn’t need to worry about anything except for the brutality she is about to inflict.
“That goes double for all of us, kid.”
Twilight turned to look in the doorway and see the entire 2007 lineup of wrestlers from the WWE gathered just outside her door. There was the Smackdown alumni she knew so casually including Mark Henry and MVP as well as the RAW cast with John Cena and Randy Orton. There were also men she did not know, but could best surmise as coming from ECW were also gathered alongside these more prominent wrestlers, and so it seemed that everyone she ever met or seen was her tonight in that very hallway. It was a spectacular sight, and leading off with none other than Triple H.
“What are you all doing here?”
“Just like Hurricane there, we’re gonna cheer you on from the sidelines. So you best make us proud and give us a damn good show, because we’re a bigger audience than you’re used to.”
Twilight was nearly moved to tears, but forbid herself from crying. Instead, she bucked up and stood tall, but her eyes shimmered with emotion. “Thank you all! You have all been great, thank you!”
The group of wrestlers gathered outside her door parted to the two walls of the hallway. As Twilight strode down, she was accompanied by the clapping of all these people that she knew briefly in her extended time spent in this strange place. Each and every person, though, congratulated her and wished her luck as she passed by.
“I’m just Montel, but you’re the true Most Valuable Player,” Said MVP
“You,” Twilight stopped as Kane spoke in a very audible and demanding tone. “You’re going to make us all proud.”
Twilight continued only to be stopped again by the commanding gaze of Mark Henry. She turned to face him, with growing fear that she had not felt until just that moment. “Twilight, you got one chance. Go for it.”
It was clear he wasn’t only talking about the match. “Really?” She asked. Mark Henry responded by nodding his head with an approving smile. “Thank you, Sexual Chocolate.”
Twilight continued along her way, with much the same being said by every wrestler that the WWE had to offer. As she turned a corner, she could still hear the cheers loud and clear. But as she approached the ring closer and closer, she could hear the dulled footsteps of leather on concrete behind her.
“They hurt your friend, they hurt your pride,” Said the voice behind her. It was familiar, like the sort of sound she could only hear in her nightmares, and so she didn’t turn back. “But you gotta be a man, you can’t let it slide.” What was that? She thought. Approval? But. . . Why would her nightmare say such a thing?
And so Twilight turned around to be faced with a man wearing a glorious red bandana on his head and a bright yellow shirt that was emblazoned with a red phrase. His 24 inch python-like arms were bulging with sinew and vein and extended all the way into a well arched back. Though he had a friendly looking handlebar mustache, he was still the thing of her nightmares.
“Please, don’t hit me with the strap! Not the indian yapapi strap!”
The man laughed at such a proposition and patted Twilight on the head. “Nah brother, don’t worry. I’m here to wish you luck. You’re fighting for what’s right. So fight for your life. You are a real American.” He then took a step back and gave her a wicked two thumbs up. “Now give that Austin an all American ass-whooping! Show him what the power of Hulkamania can do!”
“Y-Yes sir!” Twilight then fled with the approval of the the WWE legend.
All the pieces were set into motion, and Twilight was at the prime that she could’ve been and ready for the match of her life. She had only one chance, and it’s only one chance that she needed. Because while friendship is forever, revenge is not.
“Welcome back ladies and gentlemen.” King said, welcoming the audience with his dulcet voice. “Without any further interruptions, the wrestlers will now be called up to the ring.”
JR straightened up his suit and cocked his hat back. No way in hell was he going to miss a moment of this show. “Coming from Texas after spotty appearances in the WWE, we bring you Stone Cold Steve Austin!”
Stone Cold came out in his usual attire of a black T-shirt and what may as well have been his underoos, combined with the stains of a now gone six-pack of beer. He approached the ring in a slightly stumbling walk not unlike that of a grown gorilla. Vince McMahon would later that year adopt such a walk for his entrance.
He climbed into the ring proper, and stood in the middle to take a full 360 view of the crowd. The crowd offered him well deserved boos, in return he delivered them two high flying fingers with a big, slurry smile on his face.
“Would you look at that, King? He’s evil and he loves it! You gotta respect that.”
“Oh come on man, show some class! There could be kids watching.”
“Well, I reckon that’s about as much as we need to see. King, I’m gonna let you introduce our next contestant.”
“Damn right, JR.” King stood right up and cleared his throat, using his pipes to their fullest extent. “Ladies and gentlemen and the viewers at home, we introduce you to the sight that will change your lives forever. What you are about to see is the pinnacle of the human body that will shake you to your foundations on a mental, physical, and spiritual level.”
“Whoa now, King, keep your pants on. Like you said, kids could be watching.”
“We bring you, no, the force that keeps us in check brings you all,” JR then took a deep breath away from the mic and delivered a fine salute towards the entrance ramp. “TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”
The proud princess stood high on the ramp as her music began playing. It was a simple title going along the lines of Equestria Girls as song by some no-name up-and-coming star named Katy something. The initially booing crowd all stood tall and clapped their hands until they were red and raw. Twilight descended along the ramp, feeling each sinew of flesh tense upon every step, bracing herself for the oncoming punishment she was to deliver. She stretched her form, and cracked any kinks. There was no way she was going to let Austin get off easy.
With a small flourish, Twilight flew in the air and dived into the ring and began a brief trot until she settled her inertia and faced off against Austin in an opposing corner.
The referee was in the typical black-and-white shirt, yet he was only there more as a suggestion than as a legitimate party. He was only there to count to three, and no matter how broken these two were going to get he would not step in. If he did, he would end up just as battered as the wrestlers were going to be. This was a serious match. No DQs, no rules basically. Weapons were not only legal, but encouraged. The only one left is who could drag their body onto the other’s to secure the pin.
And so it was that these two briefly stared each other down, with Twilight to break first and look in the stands. There, she saw in the front row all the wrestlers she saw in the hallway. They were there, cheering alongside the fans and even lifting a few of them up to their shoulders for a better view. Secretly she was overjoyed, and openly she was confident. She turned back to face against Austin, and ready to fight.
“Look at the power coming from these superstars.”
“You got that right, King! No words are needed, we can all feel the rising tension right here.”
The referee stood out of the way of the direct path between the two wrestlers. The bell clanged, and the match was off!
Twilight and Austin charged right at one another. Austin grabbed Twilight by the mane and delivered a swift jab to the side of her head, but with the force she was going at she still managed to knock him over and head over to one of the corners.
Twilight climbed atop the turnbuckle and from there she leapt at the rising Austin with her legs all splayed out.
“The bodysplash, JR! Looks like Twilight’s gonna end this quick!”
Austin caught Twilight mid-fall and quickly spun around to slam her on her back.
This isn’t working , she thought. Why is he able to fight back? He should just be standing around doing nothing, just like everyone else!
Austin ran and bounced off the ropes and returned to Twilight before going into the air and dropping his knee right on her midsection. Twilight coiled around briefly before Austin pushed off and gave her a kick in the side, which hurt her more than the thought it should.
“Oh man! A knee drop is fine, but laying into him with those steel-tipped boots is just overkill.”
Austin was in the position to secure the pin, but instead he utilized surprising strength by lifting her up and holding her upside down with her back facing Austin. Austin gave a small hop and let his knees fall from under him, dropping Twilight right on her head in a devastating piledriver! The mass of her weight was so powerful that she could’ve broken her neck!
“The piledriver? He can’t do that, it’s an illegal move!Somebody call the ref, he’s killing Twilight!”
“No way, King. Remember, this is a no DQ match, anything goes.”
Austin squatted down and lifted Twilight by her neck. He then turned around and held her head to his shoulder and lifted her up until her forelegs were clear off the ground and she was standing not unlike a hunched man.
“It’s the stunner! It’s the stunner! Come on, Twilight, fight back!”
With a small hop, forward, Austin landed right on his rear and used the combined force to smash Twilight in the chin with his shoulder. A small spurt of blood came from the corner of her mouth and Austin got up to stand over her. He gave her one last hard kick to the ribs and laughed at the bruised body before him.
“This doesn’t look good, King. Twilight’s getting slaughtered out there!”
Twilight was too weak to get up. The piledriver disoriented her, the kicks knocked the wind right out of her, and the stunner left her in a fragile state. An honorable person would allow her to recuperate or secure the pin. Austin reached into his boot and pulled out a knife!
“Twilight! Good god, somebody save Twilight!”
Austin grabbed Twilight by her mane and whispered in her ear. “I’m going to kill you worse than how Benoit got it.”
He lifted the knife into air and was about to bring it down when he suddenly stopped. Two resounding, sharp noises echoed throughout the massive arena. Two lights blew out showering some of the crowd with shards of glass. Austin looked at the walkway to the ring and saw one Lexi Pillman standing with a glock in her hand pointed to the sky. Lexi, now with Austin’s attentioned, trained her sights on the wrestler.
Upon the shots fired, JR and King immediately got up and ushered the cameramen to stop recording. The cameramen bailed but JR and King returned to their seats. The show was just getting good, after all.
Lexi reached into her back pocket and pulled out a microphone. “Austin!” She called out, still aiming at him. “I won’t let you kill anyone, anymore!”
The crowd began to whisper amongst themselves, incredulous as to the claims this strange lady was making. Austin slammed Twilight’s head back onto the mat and got over to the ropes on the side of the ring nearest Lexi. “Come up here and fight me, I’ll beat your ass, punk!”
“Like you beat your wife?”
“Oh god, did she just say that?” King commented.
“I think she did, King.”
Austin was furious now, but still he tossed the knife out of the ring and opened his arms wide. “Come at me, then!”
“Oh no, I’m not stepping in that ring. You’ve already murdered my father and Chris Benoit. Not to mention Owen Hart.”
The questioning whispers continued louder and louder, all the while Austin got a growing smile on his face.
“That’s it? That’s all you think I killed?” He laughed like a hyena and threw up his two middle fingers. “I got to where I am by eliminating the competition when I could. Andre the Giant, the Junkyard Dog, Gorilla Monsoon, Hawk, Yokozuna, the British Bulldog, the Sheik, Miss Elizabeth, Eddie Guerrero. I killed them all! Hell, I even beat the living crap out of that assclown, Doink! And now, bitch, I’m going to come after you!”
The crowd erupted in anger and began tossing all sorts of trash at Austin from snacks to the loose seats that they could rip out.
“You’re a monster, Austin.”
Another sinister laugh came from Austin before he replied. “In this business you have to be a monster, that’s all they trained me to be! And I love every moment of it. Biggie Smalls, Tupac, and Proof got what they deserved for keeping my hit rap song from topping the charts. Heck, Steve Irwin stole my first name, and now look what happened to him. You thought it was a stingray that got Steve Irwin, but it was me! AUSTIN!”
Lexi lost her breath at the admitted atrocities so proudly committed by the awful human in the ring. Every fiber of her well being desired for his death, and little else was stopping her aside from her proud spirit.
“So what’s it gonna be, little girl? You think you can take me?”
Lexi stood tall and lowered her gun. “I know I can take you, Austin. Because the FCC says guns can’t be featured on live television, there’s no footage that can be taken of what I could do to you. But I won’t do a thing.”
“Damn right you won’t do a thing, cus your bitch ass is ascared!” Austin then let loose another evil laugh.
Lexi shook her head. “No, Austin. I don’t think you got what I said. I won’t be doing a thing, because while you took my father away from me, there’s still someone else who wants you all to himself. I lost my dad, but he lost his whole family because of you, and he gets dibs.”
“Oh no freaking way!” King shouted.
“Is she saying what I think?”
“It can’t be! It’s impossible!”
Just then, the theme music so well known by the WWE community. The emblematic anthem to accompany none other than one of the greater wrestlers that the WWE has given the world.
At the top of the ramp was a figure topped in a tarnished cloak from which only his colorful green wrestling pants could be seen. The crowd cheered with such force that the winds from each person gathered to rip the shredded cloth right off of the enigmatic man. With the cloak off, the crowd cheered even louder so that the entire hosting city could hear.
“Benoit?” Said the announcers.
“Benoit!?” Said Austin.
“BENOIT!” Yelled Twilight.
“Soory about the sudden appearance, eh. My agent thought I was gone.” Said the familiar Canadian Crippler as he gave an expressive shrug. He then returned to a more serious posture and pointed a finger at Austin. “But no, seriously, you’re dead meat, Austin.”
Benoit swiftly ran over to the ring as Austin fled to the other side of it. With a great leap, Benoit went from the floor to the mat in moments and was soon facing off against Austin. Twilight, meanwhile, dragged herself to a corner as she marveled at the conflicting emotions. Her friend was back, Austin was a murderer, and she was just barely conscious enough to accept it all.
Austin built up some bravado and lifted his chin at Benoit. “Ha! Shouldn’t you be crying over your family?”
Austin looked over at the referee at the side of the ring. “Come on, they can’t do this. It’s two on one!”
The referee shook his head, turned to Benoit, and gave a thumbs up. Benoit saw this and returned his sight to Austin. “No disqualification. No rules.”
“Y-Yeah, well!” Austin slid out of the ring as Benoit stood nonchalantly. Austin soon returned with something behind his back. Meanwhile, the wrestlers outside the ring who were cheering on Twilight all gathered together and started beating on Triple H.
“You idiot! We told you to stop doing that, and now look what happened!”
“I’m sorry, I have a problem! It’s an addiction!” Triple H cried out as he curled into a ball like a child.
Austin whipped out from behind his back a sledgehammer and held it high. “You come at me, Benoit, and you’ll be getting a face full of this!”
Benoit shook his head and stepped slowly at Austin and managed to get nearly chest to slobbery chest with the guy. “You had this coming, Austin. This was a beating forty-three years in the making. You’ve been hurting people you’re entire life. It stops, now.”
Austin panicked and swung high with the sledgehammer. Benoit ducked and countered by standing up and smashed his forehead full-force into Austin’s exposed nose. Austin got stunned by the blow and turned around, and Benoit seized at the opportunity and gripped him around the waist, ducked with his knees, and threw Austin clear behind him.
“Did you see that? A headbutt followed by a perfectly executed German Suplex!”
Austin was on his hands and knees, blood splashed from his chest and onto the floor from his broken nose. He caught Twilight off-guard because she thought he was a mere jobber, but Benoit came at him with all the might that could be mustered.
Benoit walked on over to Austin, and once he was close Austin slammed the head of the sledgehammer right into Benoit’s gut, forcing him to double over in agony!
“A low blow! Austin, that sly dog!”
Austin bounced to his feet and raised the sledgehammer with both his hands over his head and prepared to deliver a fatal blow. “This time, I won’t mess up. See you in hell, Benoit!”
Benoit coughed up briefly and fell to his knees, and when he looked up the sledgehammer was falling towards him. This was not the end. It could not be the end. He knew that he did not get this second chance to let Austin win.
Austin glared with glee at the seemingly helpless Benoit. What he did not see, however, was the fighting force filling Benoit’s right fist that flew upwards! But it wasn’t heading to Austin, but rather it was going straight into the shaft of the sledgehammer and shattered it in two!
The broken shaft landed and embedded itself deep into the mat as the other half with the head flew off into the stands and crashed into some steps, sending debris flying. Benoit got back up as Austin continued to stare in disbelief at the shattered ash handle.
Benoit didn’t bother waiting for Austin to look back at him. He hit Austin with a right punch, then a left, then a right again, and a left for a second time! Right, left, right, left, right, left! He continued his barrage of fists until Austin was at the ropes.
Austin was absolutely stunned, unable to defend himself. Benoit took this opportunity to grab Austin by the arm and swung him around right into the corner Twilight herself was in.
“Twilight, do a headbutt!” Benoit shouted.
Twilight, beaten and bruised, wavered up to her knees and used what little strength she had to force her head, horn first, right into Austin’s gut and send him reeling into the center of the ring. Austin hit the mat like a sack full of very drunk babies, and yet according to Twilight’s sight her horn didn’t seem to visibly damage him in the least.
Benoit climbed one of the turnbuckles and took a deep breath. He looked at Twilight, who was still confused, and she looked back at him. With a reciprocated nod, Benoit flew off of the turnbuckle and landed forehead-first onto Austin’s face with the force that would obliterate a man’s skull. Austin, however, remained in one very intoxicated piece.
“The diving headbutt!”
“Such a high-risk maneuver, how can anyone live from that?”
Benoit suffered somewhat from the blow, but he powered through the pain and dragged Austin over to him and forced him face-down. He took Austin’s arm and pulled it above his head and wrapped his legs around it and kept it straight. He then reclined on the arm and near Austin’s back as he gripped his own wrist and pulled back against Austin’s neck, choking him.
“The crippler crossface! It’s the crossface! That’s right, Austin, that’s what you get!”
Austin was about to go unconscious and fast, but he also knew that he could get out of this right now by tapping out. That is what Austin exactly did, he took his free hand and began smacking the floor fast, and the referee crossed and uncrossed his arms to let everyone know that Austin lost.
“Well there you have it, folks! Austin loses by submission!”
“Hold up there, JR! It seems Benoit’s not letting up!”
Indeed, it was as the announcers said. Austin was desperately trying to grasp at anything he could as Benoit only pulled harder and harder against Austin’s neck. Even the referee tried futilely to separate the two, but couldn’t come close to managing to do so as Benoit kept his vice-like grip.
Spinal cord fluid slowed and disks scraped against one another inside Austin’s body. The blood flow was cut off and he wasn’t getting enough oxygen to his brain. Inevitably and soon enough, he passed out and went limp in the Crippler’s arms. Only then, did Benoit release his captive and slowly get to his knees and then back up on his feet.
Benoit walked over to Twilight with a slight limp and shook her. “We did it.”
Twilight nodded and rested her head against her returned friend.
Author's Note
I feel like this is going to be a legitimate WWE storyline.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 36: MLP: WWE: FIM: Revelations.
Chapter 36: MLP: WWE: FIM: Revelations.
Twilight Sparkle and Chris Benoit, possibly the world’s most best duo, retreated back into Twilight’s room to discuss matters of greater importance. To ensure their privacy, the door was locked and the mountain of Twilight Sparkle themed WWE merchandise was piled against it.
Twilight nearly broke down to tears after being helped by Benoit to seal the door, yet stood proud and fought them back. “I thought you were gone Chris. We all did. We had a memorial for you and everything. I was at your house when I saw all those people there saying they were investigating about a murder.”
Chris erected a nervous smile and rested his head against the wall. “Well, the thing is that they weren’t wrong. You, all the other fellas, and the police hit the nail right on the head assuming I was dead.”
“Huh?”
“You see Twilight, I was dead. Austin murdered me.” Benoit rested against the wall and slowly slid to the floor. “He drugged me. Heck, he drugged us all with some stuff that we had lying around, so I couldn’t do anything. I watched as he killed my wife,” He paused, and bit his lip briefly. “He smothered Danny in front of me.”
“Chris,” Twilight went over to her friend and rested her head on his shoulder. He pat it and accepted this gesture of kindness. “I’m sorry.”
“I know. He told me about how he wanted to get back at me for everything I did to him over the years. He got all angry about this time I suplexed him a bunch of times in the ring. Every reason he had was petty, yet he seemed like he had done this before. The only problem was that this was the first time that he had to kill several people, so he couldn’t poison us all, otherwise the police would get suspicious.”
Twilight gulped and took a deep breath, all the while processing all of this information. “But, how are you still here?”
Benoit chuckled a bit and looked upwards. Twilight looked up too, but saw only the ceiling. To Benoit, though, he seemed to gaze skywards with purpose. “I had a pretty unique intervention. I guess all those bibles Austin laid around the house to frame me had some effect, because next thing I know is I was lifted from some furnace and awoke to find myself near the arena.”
“But how?”
“Now this is the real treat, Twilight. Now, don’t be freaked out. Promise me you won’t get freaked out, alright?”
“I promise, Chris, so what happened?”
“Alright.” Chris took a deep breath and looked straight at Twilight. “An angel.”
“Yes?”
“Oh. Right. You’re a winged horse, unicorn, thingy. Sorry, I guess I kinda shouldn’t have expected you to freak out about that.”
“Chris!”
“Sorry! Okay, so an angel appeared before me and gave me a shroud. He said he was the angel of wrestling, having been bestowed such a title for crippling Jacob and submitting to give him a blessing. He saw the horrors that wrestling has been infested with, namely Austin, and knew that intervention was required, and I was to be the instrument of this intervention. Then he laid down some real heavy stuff on me.”
“What was it, rocks?”
“No, Twilight, I mean like he said some unbelieveable stuff, but the whole situation itself was unbelieveable so I just went with it. Basically, he said that the world as I know it is a construct, not of God but of man. He said my universe was created by some programmer or something. Crazy, right?”
Twilight began sweating, hard, but she shook her head nonetheless. “Chris, that’s not crazy at all. I don’t know much about programmers, but I’m sure that’s the reason why I’m here.”
“Wait, what do you mean?”
“Remember that game thingy at your house?”
“Yeah, the one you got all excited about. I thought that was just because you wanted to play a video game or something.”
“Chris, I came to this world through a game just like that one, only it was slightly different.”
“Huh,” Chris nodded to himself. “That also fits in what the angel said. He said that there are aspects of the world the programmer had no control over, like the outside, which is why everyone here saw you as just another wrestler but outside everyone saw you as a horse.”
“But what about Austin? You saw that match, he was actually fighting!”
“Yeah, it turns out that because Austin was getting drunk on beer from the outside world, he was starting to succumb to its effects. Give him enough time and he might’ve seen you for what you are.”
Twilight looked down and agreed in her mind with this sentiment. But there was still a pressing issue. “Chris,” Twilight looked back up. “You can see me for what I am. You always did. Why aren’t you affected?”
Chris Benoit’s face went somber and his shoulders began to drop. “Twilight, I died. In the world that this world was based on, I died in circumstances much like this. Probably exactly like this, but without you or the angel here to help fix it. You see, the events of this world only began a short time before my, well, death. So that means I, as a real person, could still walk around like everything was normal.”
“Chris,” Twilight could only imagine the feelings that her friend had, and offered what sympathy she could.
Chris gave her a comforting smile and continued. “So yeah, because this world is all screwy I was able to get my revenge. Austin won’t be able to die, because death wasn’t programmed, so he’ll be fine after that whole thing in the ring. That’s also why he couldn’t be stabbed with your horn, because they didn’t program it in and Austin was still a part of this world. Still, it sure hurt I bet.”
Twilight was relieved that plenty of the questions pounding away at her mind since she got to this world were largely diminished.
“Well, I’m really glad your back, Chris. But I guess we’re still back to square one for how to get me back home.”
“Ah!” Chris stood up and clapped his hands. “Now that’s the kicker! You see, the angel also told me about that. Take a look at the calendar on the wall.” Benoit said and pointed at the aforementioned calendar.
“Yeah, what about it?”
“Heh. We’ve come pretty far, just look at all those X’s, you’ve been really keeping up with the dates.”
“Huh?” Twilight looked closer at the calendar and saw, indeed, that all the past days were crossed out. “I did think that was funny. I just thought it was Teddy doing that for me.”
“Nope. Twilight, that’s a thing this programmer guy had in this whole thing. It was right in front of us the entire time.”
“Wait, what?” Twilight turned to look at the poster with fury. Could she have been stuck here for more than a month because of a stupid poster?
“Let me show you something.” Benoit then reeled back his fist and punch a hole through the poster. Oddly enough, his fist went right on through to a bizarre void that was a collage of images that Twilight saw as oddly reminiscent. “This should lead back to your world.”
Twilight climbed atop the bench to get a better look at the portal before she looked back at Benoit. “Thank you so much Chris! I can finally go home!”
“Yeah, well, just make sure you try and find this programmer guy and give him one for me, alright?”
“Well, I don’t know any programmers, whatever those are, but I know of somebody who I can blame for this. But, what are you going to do?”
“Me? Ah, well, I can’t go back to wrestling. So I’m just going to try and find another portal. I got some stuff to do.”
Twilight nodded and nuzzled against Benoit in what could best be described as a hug, as much as a pony could hug. “Thank you Benoit, I’ll miss you.”
Benoit reciprocated and pat Twilight on her back. “I’ll miss you too, Twilight.”
They broke their attachment and without further delay Twilight climbed through the portal to return to the monarchy of Equestria. Benoit would later go on his search for a portal and, when discovering it, he would single handedly kill the dinosaurs. As in all of them. You thought it was a meteor or climate change that killed the dinosaurs? NO! IT WAS CHRIS BENOIT!
Author's Note
Welp, it was a wild ride, kids. Only one last chapter to go but I'm glad I finally got this 100+ page story out of my system. What's the real kicker is that I wanted so much more, but wrestling isn't exactly good for a literary medium, but I gave it a shot and I'm pretty satisfied with what I put out. Thanks to all the people who kept up with this story and liked/tolerated it.
Benoit is love, Benoit is life. Rest in peace sweet crippler, may you give angels the crossface in heaven from now on.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 37: Back in Purple
The trip through the portal was over in but a few seconds, and soon enough Twilight plopped right onto the floor of a turret in the grand Canterlot castle. The portal, as always, seemed to disappear before she could look back on it, but Twilight swiftly decided not to focus too much on it. After all, she had spent way too much time away from home and while she had made a few friends, she still had things to do.
Speaking of which, upon looking around the room, Twilight saw the machines accompanied by a mountain of what looked to be the same book-case things that Luna had brought over. Knowing firmly that this would only leave room for further trouble, and probably a great deal of fun misadventures, she blasted the entire collection to smithereens until it was beyond repair. After she had finished, Twilight heard a commotion outside the tower and looked outside to behold a spectacle that required her intervention. And so Twilight leapt from the window and began to glide to finish what should’ve been finished a long time ago.
“Attention everypony!” The commandant of the Royal Canterlot Guard, Shining Armor, stood atop a stage and silenced the gossiping crowd before him. “Thank you for being here today, Princess Celestia would like to say something about the continued disappearance of Twilight Sparkle.” He then stepped aside and assumed a stance almost off of the stage as Celestia appeared front and center.
“Hello my dear ponies, I am glad to see such a crowd gathered here today. As many of you should know, Twilight Sparkle has been missing for some time now and there is a growing concern that something nefarious may be ahoof. I would like to request that every one of us finds it in our hearts to find a dear friend of Equestria and if anypony has any information on her possible whereabouts, we will listen with open ears.”
Princess Celestia stepped aside from the center of the stage and Shining Armor took her position. “We hope that information on Twily, I mean, Twilight Sparkle will come with great haste. Also, while we have your attention, Princess Luna would like to have a word.” He then returned to his station as the proud princess of the night assumed a stern pose in the midst of the stage.
“Salutations my citizens, we understand that some grieving has been undertaken yet that does not excuse the sloth that has befallen many. We will not stand for any absence or failure to stand proud in the face of defeat.” As should be expected, many of the ponies engaged in confused chatter about what Luna was going on about.
“Art thou being honest with thine incomprehension? Very well then, allow us to elaborate. Not a single pony here has the sheer finesse nor ability to combat me in SVR2008! Not a one! Thou art the scrubbiest of scrubs! And once I figure out how to pin, I shall be undefeatable!”
Celestia swiftly ran to her sister and pulled her aside. “Luna, what are you talking about? This isn’t the time to go on about this.”
“Sister, I assure you, this is the best time to speak on the subject, otherwise how will I keep our perfect ratio of losses to wins?”
“Ratio? Luna, I sent you to the moon once! I’d think that counts as a loss. Please, let’s just go home and you can have a moon pie all to yourself, okay?”
“We shall stand before this audience and call out these so called ‘Marks’ and we shall receive a moon pie later as well. Thou may leave when thine wishes.”
Celestia just shook her head in disappointment. A thousand years on the moon and Luna will still always be the little sister she knew. Still, if only for appearances sake, Celestia went over to the corner where she was out of the way and Luna cleared her throat before going on to speak again.
But before Luna could go on another rant about how everybody was too chicken to 1v1 her mad elite skillz, she was tackled by the flying champion of the WWE, Twilight Sparkle!
“Twilight!” Shouted everyone in the crowd and on stage, except for Princess Luna who was busy being grappled by Twilight.
Shining Armor was about to break the two up, but Princess Celestia stepped between him and the wrastlin’ alicorns and gave him a disapproving look. “I can handle this.” She then turned to the crowd and waved a hoof. “Ladies and Gentlecolts, it seems we have a real match on our hooves! I will declare this match official as of this moment! This will be the greatest contest of wills Canterlot will ever see!”
Luna struggled, pathetically, but her body was sluggish with a lunch of crayons and glue couldn’t stand to test against Twilight’s mad-rad wrestle-katas! No sooner had the match been officiated had Twilight taken the chance to seize the opportunity to show off her newly learned skills from the WWE.
Twilight mounted Luna, not unlike how one would do with a horse, and she hiked Luna’s forelegs onto her own rear knees. Luna couldn’t escape from such a complex hold, and so Twilight took the advantage and grasped her two front hooves together under Luna’s chin and pulled back, delivering a sickening chokehold from the rear!
“Would you look at that, it seems Twilight has the Princess of the Night in a hold! Twilight is riding Luna like a camel while clutching her neck! It’s like a Camel Clutch or something! Luna, you have to tap out! Just start tapping Twilight’s thigh, you can do it!”
Luna couldn’t take much more of this punishment, and so she followed her sister’s instructions right away. Meanwhile, Princess Celestia was busy looking in a totally opposite direction.
“Wow, would you look at that? I think that is a butterfly over there. I am just so captivated by that butterfly that I don’t think I’ll be able to look back on what’s going on in this match for a full five minutes. Woo hoo, look at that butter fly!” While most ponies were distracted by the ongoing onslaught in the makeshift arena, the few curious crowdgoers looked to the same direction as Celestia and saw absolutely no dairy-based insects of the sort.
While after the match, everything went pretty much back to normal, that day marked the incident colloquially known as the Canterlot Screwjob, an event that will go down in history as one of the most hotly contested topics of discussion in Equestrian politics. One of the most prevailing ideas regarding the Canterlot Screwjob was that it came as a direct result of Twilight Sparkle’s disappearance and the whole event was planned beforehand and constructed by a team of crack writers. The ponies who believe that are fools because, as we all know, everything in wrestling isn’t fake.
The End.
Author's Note
Carry on in peace, Benoit. May there be many an angel to be put in the crossface.
Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 1: Twilight's Slamtastic Morning
Twilight awoke to find herself, dazed, in a majestic field of gorgeous colors and aromas, where all of her senses were delighted with the pleasantries of the day and these gifts of the world. She felt envigorated at this presence of life and absolute harmony, and was immediately up on all fours without a fret for how she suddenly appeared on this landscape nor where anyplace else was. Twilight spread her wings free, lifted her head to the heavens, and opened every sense she had to take in her surroundings. Her ears perked as the ‘whoosh’ of winds swept among the stems, grass, and petals, blowing what was loose into the air and carried with all this was the music of nature. Her eyes admired the azure sky which stayed stable and expanded across until it met the mountains in the distance with their foggy tops. And below the mountains before her was the ground upon which she stood, decorated with flowers and grass of colors both unusual and settling. Her hooves numbed the sensation of the grass and yet she could still feel it as though it were bare against her skin, tingling along as each blade slid under her equine feet. She was at peace.
And then her alarm started going off. Of course, her alarm wasn’t blaring nor swatting a couple of brass bells as normal alarms went. Her alarm was far more annoying.
“Twilight, wake up. I’m hungry. It’s the afternoon. Your friends are outside. There are books that you haven’t read yet. Owlicious is getting antsy. Shouldn’t you being doing some princess things?” The baby dragon beside her persisted in his speech, irritating the purple alicorn to an end that was only reached when she lifted her head from her pillow and sat up in her bed.
“Spike, it’s the weekend. Why are you waking me up?”
“Well you looked like you weren’t going to wake up so I got worried.”
“Spike?”
“Yeah Twilight?”
“Go make breakfast.”
“It’s lunchtime.”
“Go make breakfast.”
“But-”
“Breakfast.”
And without further interruption nor inquisition, the wee dragon descended into the dining room to prepare a meal. Twilight wiped the sleep sand from her eyes and looked out a nearby window, anticipating a day fraught with reluctant adventure. Hopefully this will be the one that doesn’t result in great destruction wreaked across the town of Ponyville. It’s pretty safe to assume everypony’s still unsettled from the Pinky clone debacle. Ready as she could be for this day, she got up with creaky joints offset by her youthful figure and joined Spike in the dining room.
She saw that Spike was fast at work preparing a simple meal, one for her that was of a simple bowl of breakfast oats while he nibbled on some chunk of mineral of some sort. At least she could start the day off with a decent enough meal, was one of the thoughts clouding her mind. She was dead wrong.
There came a knock at the door. It wasn’t a knock that was particularly infuriating, yet it was quite enough to compel her to set aside her spoon and lower her head in defeat.
“Spike, tell them I’m not home.”
Her dragon assistant arose from his seat and hurried himself to the door. She, however, remained at the table because she wanted to at least finish her oats before she went out for the day to probably save Canterlot or stop some rampaging beast of long derided lore.
“Twilight, it’s Princess Luna.”
Twilight was at the door in a second. Now, if any event required the abnormal presence of Princess Luna, it was definitely good for a laugh.
“Princess Luna, what a nice surprise. Please, come in!”
Both Twilight and her assistant stood aside and allowed the towering princess to duck her head and step inside the extensive library foyer that fit remarkably well inside the husk of a tree that was Twilight’s home. From what Twilight could see, Luna had came quite prepared with a couple of satchel bags that she carried on her back, and the lack of a carriage outside meant that this probably was something of a more secretive nature. The best kind of nature to have.
“I apologize for the sudden intrusion Princess Sparkle, but I have something that I believe would be of great interest to you.”
“Really?” Twilight shut the door and Spike gave the two princesses their privacy by returning to the kitchen. “That’s great! What is it?”
Luna set the bags down and lifted the flaps so they folded backwards and exposed the contents of the bags. Inside were a number of rectangular box-like black contraptions. Though these objects were the bulk of the bags, Luna took her search with a greater intensity to rifle past them in order to retrieve a smaller item which resembled a thin jewelry box. Although when she opened this box she showed Twilight a disk roughly the size of her hoof that had some blue logo on one side and was reflective with tints of purple and green on the other.
“I brought over a copy of Smackdown Versus Raw Two-Thousand and Eight.”
Luna supplied Twilight with the case though Twilight was immediately intimidated by everything that came out of the blue alicorn’s mouth. “Luna, not a single thing in that sentence made sense. Could you run that by me again?”
This line of questioning appeared to be quite pointless, as Luna was already setting up some sort of device against a section of a library composed of an evidently flat screen and one of the boxes from the bags set up next to it.
“Well, it’s a rather uneventful time in Canterlot.” Luna said as she connected wires from one end of a device to another.
“Wait, what about that duck migration problem? Shouldn’t you be overseeing the hospitals or something to address all the maulings?”
“Anyways, since nothing of great importance was happening, I thought I would occupy my empty time with some recreation. And it came to my knowledge that there were these things called video games that sound as though they would be quite a treat. And I believe since you are similarly not as busy, I was hoping you would join me.”
Twilight was hesitant, because looking at these boxes set up on the ground in her library next to her extremely flammable books on how to put out fires she knew something might explode. But it’s Luna who was constructing this setup so it’ll probably just burst in a puff of smoke, and then it’d be Spike’s job to clean up. So Twilight simply nodded.
“Sure, as long as this doesn’t turn out like the peanut butter incident.”
Anyways, Luna appeared to finish with her work and sat before the the device and retrieved two oddly shaped devices resembling boomerangs and held one before Twilight who sat beside her. Reluctantly Twilight held it before her, but resisted the urge to press any of the many buttons on it.
“Wonderful! You’ll need this to control your character.”
“Character? Luna, exactly what is this thing you brought to my house?”
“Oh, one’s called a television. It projects images onto the screen. The other is called a Playstation 3, and I have no idea what it really does but apparently it’s used to play games.”
“So we’re just playing a game? That’s it?”
“Of course, Twilight!”
This comforted Twilight a bit, after all, what harm could a bit of simple playing do? Well, barring that one time she was playing with her Mister Smartypants and very tragic things happened. Anyways, without further details she is no longer allowed in the cafeteria at magic kindergarten anymore.
Without waiting on Twilight to appreciate the calmness of the situation, she operated some mechanism and slid the disk from the case she had earlier into the Playstation and apparently it ate the disk. The screen came on, and evidentially the game was about to begin.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 4: Trapped In The Closet. Technically a Locker Room.
Twilight never quite learned to think with portals, which isn’t that surprising given that portals are never much interest in Equestria despite having immense possibilities. There was that one portal in Canterlot that led to a realm where everypony was in high-school and humans, there was that one in Stalliongrad which led to a pure green room that constantly played boy band music and thus became the number one torture method in Equestria, and then there was that one portal that led from Laugh Riot’s living room to Laugh Riot’s basement.
And it’s because of this that Twilight ended up face-first on the concrete floor of some strange room. She quickly regained conscious and looked around her surroundings.
“Where in the world am I?”
She saw on the ground scattered garments bearing a chickenscratch “W” on them, a plank of wood spanning across one of the walls that served as a table and had on it a cellular phone and on a steel chair before the workbench was an opened laptop both of which were quite alien to Twilight, and a large number of boxes and crates that appeared to be recently introduced to the area. Against the wall above the table was a calendar with several dates already crossed out but what she could gather was that the month was March and the year was 2007. Twilight already has a rather fractured past with time travel that ended up with an ontological paradox and a bad hairdo, so none of this particularly bodes well with her at that moment.
Luckily there appeared to be a door against a bare wall in the room, which meant escape. Twilight was in no hurry to stay and so she walked over to it, when a eery beeping noise ruined her concentration and forced her to hide behind a box.
“Hello?” She called out. “Is anypony there?”
The beeping repeated and repeated again at regular intervals, and when Twilight peered out from behind her fortress of cardboard she found it emanated from the cell phone laying on the makeshift workbench. She picked it up with her magic but kept it at a decent distance away and pressed the green button on it. On the miniscule screen appeared a message that stated From Long to Twilight Sparkle with a red exclamation point. Another press of the green button then showed a picture of some bald man wearing dorky glasses in the corner of the screen with a page of text.
“Playa, welcome to Smackdown!” It read.
“So here’s my offer to you: Go through a few matches on HEAT to let us check you out. Then we’ll decide on your final salary.
Sorry about your temporary Locker Room, but I expect a lot out of you, so you won’t be parked there long.
Let me know if you accept and we’ll get that preseason ball rolling!
Best,
Teddy”
It wasn’t exactly as eloquent as she has become accustomed to in her currently brief tenure as a princess, but she got that she clearly didn’t want any part of this.
She pressed the green button again and she was then presented with two options: Accept Smackdown’s Offer or don’t even reply to it.
“Do not reply.” She ordered to the phone. This didn’t do jack, so that when she pressed the green button on the phone again she accepted.
With that done and out of the way, Twilight set the phone aside and trotted up to the door and opened it up. She was immediately met with a man wearing shades and a goofy looking white suit.
“Yo playa, what up? Glad to see you accepted the offer, you gonna give us a good show on Friday, amiright?”
Twilight backed away slowly. Two arms, two legs, a round head, clothes? In her mind this strange creature surely was something of great evil.
“I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person. I’m Twilight Sparkle, who are you?”
“Who am I? Aw baby, that’s harsh! I’m Teddy Long, general manager of Smackdown. And if you do real good for the next few weeks then face or heel I’ll be managing you. You follow?”
“Face? Heel? I’m sorry, I didn’t apply for this Smackdown thing you’re talking about. I don’t even know what that is.”
“Playa, you don’t know about Smackdown? Well lemme give you a refresher course. Smackdown is the single greatest sports entertainment entity to exist all across the world, and you have the chance to be a part of it.”
“That’s, um, flattering Mister Long, but I don’t think I’m cut out for this.”
“I hear ya, you’re getting cold feet. But I feel you playa, I just know you can do this. How about we take a tour of the facilities, meet some of the other stars who showed up early, and talk about this a little more to help settle everything. Come on.”
Long left the decision to Twilight, and while she must be getting home right now it probably wouldn’t hurt to take a look around after all. And so she followed him out the door and into the corridors of the stadium.
Author's Note
Much of the dialogue in the form of text messages and phones calls will be as faithfully adapted from the Smackdown route of the 24/7 Mode of Smackdown Vs. Raw 2008. All of the dialogue portrayed by characters interacting will be as faithfully stereotyped as I could try.
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Twilight Sparkle Against Smackdown Versus Raw 2008
Chapter 28: Chris Benoit's Is Preparing to Leave This Earth
Twilight Sparkle made the decision for that day that a huge drop in her apparent popularity, which was only rising marginally anyways, was worth it if she could catch up on some quality literature. Unfortunately, all she managed to get her hooves on was an extensive compilation of poetry by Walt Whitman, who was history’s greatest monster. At least it was a little bit better than nothing.
However, her reading into the lessons learned from the Learn’d Astronomer were interrupted by a knocking at her door.
“Who is it?”
“Hey Twilight, it’s Chris. I kinda want to talk about something.”
Twilight needn’t disturb her mediocre seating arrangement of Twilight Sparkle WWE merchandise piled into a makeshift bed. She unlocked the door with her magic and allowed the medium built wrestler into her humble abode.
“Hello Chris, what did you want to talk about?”
Chris rubbed at the back of his neck and took a deep breath. “Well, it’s a pretty big thing. How do you like wrestling so far?”
“It’s nice and all, but I’d really rather be back home with my friends. I mean, sure, I got to see a lot of interesting things and meet plenty of interesting people, but it’s nothing compared to my life back in Ponyville. Plus I haven’t sent a letter to Princess Celestia in months, and that’s really messing up my schedule!”
A smile wiled its way to Chris’ lips and he nodded in agreement. “Yeah, home. Home is where the heart is, you know.” He then took a seat on the bench that was by now filled up with enough books that it should’ve shattered a long while ago.
“Is this about that whole ECW thing?”
“Sort of. Twilight, I’ve been wrestling for most of my life. I love it, but I love my family more. You know that promise I made to my wife? That I would spend more and more time with her?”
“Yeah?”
“Every day I spend training at the gym, even if it’s at home. Every Thursday night I spend at the show, and every time I get on the plane to go to the show is a whole day I could’ve used spending time with my family. I really want to keep on wrestling, but I can’t keep on going like this. So I’m thinking I might want to do something a little different after my contract runs out.”
“Really? What are you planning on doing?”
He looked up at Twilight with a look of enthusiasm on his face. “I’m going to start up a school for wrestling, so that other kids at my age when I got started can have that chance to start wrestling legitimately without hurting themselves.”
“There’s such a thing as a school for wrestling?”
“Oh, yeah! Heck, I trained in the Hart Family Dungeon for a while, and it did me a lot of good. There’s more to wrestling than just slams and punches, it’s about respect, showmanship, and being in control. Slams and punches are just a side-product.” Chris gave a small laugh, to which Twilight politely joined in with.
“Heh. That sounds like a really good idea. This way you’ll be able to keep wrestling and spend time with your family!”
“That’s right! But before I do that, I think I’d like to take them to a new place first, just for a visit. You get what I mean?”
Twilight thought for but a moment before she realized Chris’ intentions. “Wait, you mean you want to see Equestria before that? I don’t know, Chris. This is a little sudden.”
“Come on, once we find out this teleporter or whatever we’re looking for, then going back and forth shouldn’t be a real big deal, and if it is then I won’t do it.”
“Well, I guess. But what if people come looking for you?”
Chris grinned and nodded again. “Don’t woory, I thought of that.” He said, and then pulled out a leather bound black book with bronze cross emblazoned on the front and he opened it up to the first page. “I got a little note in here, hand me a pen?”
Twilight searched briefly through the rubble and retrieved a little ink-pen that had her likeness on it, or at least how the marketing department saw her, and she floated it over to Benoit who took it and scribbled down something on a little exposed piece of paper in the book.
“Alright, and there! Ahem, ‘I’m preparing to leave this Earth.’ Handwritten. That should do it in case anyone asks. They know I’m a pretty faithful guy, so this has to be the first place they’d look.”
“Well, that sounds good. I guess if everyone here sees me as one of them, the same should be true when we head back. There’s plenty of space in my house, so I think you and your family can stay for a night.”
“See? Everything will work out just fine.”
Twilight then immediately slapped her face. “Stop saying that. Please, stop saying that!” Her hoof then flew out in exasperation. “Every time one of us says that out loud, we turn out to be completely wrong!”
Benoit, though, only shrugged his shoulders. “Fair enough, but that’s only when we don’t totally know about something. So this is going to be alright, don’t woory.”
“No, I think I will worry even more, now!”
They argued about this long into the night before Benoit finally broke out in laughter and left the room with an amicable farewell.
Author's Note
Everything's going to be totally fine. I'd stake my potential for being a deep sea fisherman on it.
