Chapters 2. The Find 3. The City 4. The Palace 5. The Job 6. The Night 7. The Friend 9. The Paradigm 10. The Buddy 11. The Moon 12. The Voice 13. The Drill 14. The Ride 15. The Consultant 16. The Dream 17. The Dreamer 18. The Outing 19. The Outing, Part 2 20. Old Friends 21. New Friends 22. Nuisance 24. The Gala 25. The Threat 26. The Threat, Part 2 27. The Threat, Part 3 28. Nightmare Night 29. The Fooling 30. Twilight's Birthday 31. Hearth's Warming Eve 32. Hearts and Hooves Day 34. The Suitor, Part 2: Dinner Among the Stars 35. The Suitor, Part 3: A Job to Do 36. The Suitor, Part 4: Marked Improvement 38. The Suitor, Part 6: Unnecessary Injuries 39. The Suitor, Part 7: Never that Simple 40. The Suitor, Part 8: Coffee and Pie 41. The Suitor, Part 9: Some Pretty Strange Secrets 42. The Suitor, Part 10: That Kind of Power 43. The Suitor, Part 11: A Grander Arena 44. The Suitor, Part 12: An Uphill Battle 45. The Bust 46. The Migration 47. Their Bond 48. The Wedding, Part 1: Invitations 49. The Wedding, Part 2: Preparations 50. The Wedding, Part 3: Rehearsal 51. The Wedding, Part 4: Gifts and Guests 52. The Wedding, Part 5: Ceremony 54. The Wedding, Part 7: Honeymoon 55. The Girl 56. The First Date 57. The Second Date 58. The Third Date 59. The Course 60. The Community 61. The Conqueror 62. The Parolee 63. His Slight 64. Their Fight 65. Her Love 66. Hearts and Hooves Night 67. The Currency of the Plains, Part 1: Interloper 68. The Currency of the Plains, Part 2: Intervention 69. The Currency of the Plains, Part 3: Interred 70. The Currency of the Plains, Part 4: Interplay 71. The Change 72. The Coronation 73. The Situation 74. The Evaluation 75. The Infatuation 76. The Anticipation 77. The Accusation 78. The Investigation 79. The Demonstration 80. The Assignment 81. The Project 82. The Mixer 83. The Forest, Part 1 84. The Forest, Part 2 85. The Forest, Part 3 87. The Tree 88. The Scheme 89. The Favor 90. The Alternate 91. The Tryout 92. The Bat 93. The Team 95. The Games, Part 1 96. The Games, Part 2 97. The Games, Part 3 98. The Games, Part 4 99. The Monsters, Part 1 100. The Monsters, Part 2 101. The Monsters, Part 3 102. The Monsters, Part 4 103. The Monsters, Part 5 104. The Monsters, Part 6 105. The Castle: Friday 107. The Castle: Sunday 108. The Worry 109. The Briefing 110. The Taskforce 111. The Wish 112. The Denial 113. The Crime 114. The Defendant 115. The Trial 116. The Sentence 117. The Mission 118. The Town, Part 1 120. The Town, Part 3 121. The Man 122. The Town, Part 4 123. The Dustup 124. The Outpost 125. The Outpost, Part 2 126. The Stallion with the Equal Sign 127. The Circuit 128. The Homecoming 129. The Collar 130. The Skill 131. Family Meetings 132. The Problem 133. The Solution 135. Her Happiness 136. The Surprise 137. The Surprise Part 2 138. The Surprise, Part 3 139. The Surprise, Part 4 140. The Surprise, Part 5 141. The Difference 142. The Catharsis 143. The Enemy 144. The Spite 145. The Development 146. The Development, Part 2 148. The Lifestyle 149. The Lifestyle, Part 2 150. The Signal 151. The Attic 153. The Man, Part 2 154. The Emergency 134. The Question and the Answer 147. The Development, Part 3 53. The Wedding, Part 6: Reception 1. The Mark 8. The Sister 23. New Family 33. The Suitor, Part 1: Courtship, Plain and Simple 37. The Suitor, Part 5: Ever So Sensitive 86. The Forest, Part 4 94. The Reunion 106. The Castle: Saturday 119. The Town, Part 2 152. The Patch The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root lay prone on a dusty mesa top, binoculars in hoof, watching a smoking mountain peak. He looked at his timepiece, then opened a notebook and checked a column, adding a small comment. He then opened a different notebook, and wrote a note in it as well.
“Good afternoon, Sky,” he said to the buffalo attempting to sneak up on him from behind.
“Oh, come on, I thought I was being totally silent,” she said.
“You were.”
“You couldn’t have smelled me. I’m downwind.”
“That Cactus Lark nesting in the mesquite made an alarm call. I figured it was either you, or a coyote coming up here.”
“Mesquite? I passed that five minutes ago.”
“It always takes you five minutes to climb the mesa. Coyotes take seven.”
“Ugh, you’re so… wait, you call those ‘Cactus Larks’? They’re never near cactuses.”
“The first pony to describe them was named Cactus Jelly.”
“That’s confusing.”
“What do you call them?”
“Squawkadoos.”
“Squawkadoos. I like that.”
He added a note to the back of his book.
“How’s the watch going?” Sky asked.
“No change. Today marks the first anniversary of the dragon’s arrival. They say a dragon knows by the first year whether or not it likes its cave for a nap. This feller might be staying for the long haul.”
“Well, its smoke isn’t so bad from this side. I guess we’ll just have to get used to not going to the lakes on that side.”
“Sorry. They’re nice lakes.”
“You know you’re lying next to a Dust Shaker, right?”
Radish looked over to the rock beside him. Coiled under its outcrop was what ponykind called a Ladder-backed Rattlesnake. It was staring at him intently.
“That rattler and I have reached an understanding. I can stay here as long as I don’t mess with her eggs. And if she bites me, she’ll be exposing herself to that Red-kneed Hawk overhead.”
Sky looked up at the hawk catching thermals above them. Buffalokind called them “Red-kneed Hawks”, as well. The snake peeked out at it from the rock, then retracted in fear.
Sky laid down on her back between Radish and the snake, stretching out under the mid-day sun.
“It’s so good to get a ranger out here who gets this land, Radish. The last Plains Ranger around here was a really stuck-up unicorn.”
“What happened to them?”
“He didn’t reach the same understanding with Hoopla, here,” she said, looking at the snake.
“She bite him?”
“Yep.”
“He live?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“Her name is ‘Hoopla’?”
Sky laughed. She pulled out a small cloth bag.
“You want a jalapeño chew?”
“You bet,” said Radish, holding out a hoof.
“Nuh uh. You know the rule. First you have to show me her .”
Radish sighed. He pulled down his ranger uniform’s trousers, revealing his cutie mark. Sky snickered, then gave him a chew. He put it in his mouth and sucked.
“Is she really considered beautiful? She’s so skinny.”
“A lot of ponies like skinny.”
“Do, uh… do you like skinny?”
“I did when I got this.”
He checked his timepiece again and wrote more down. Sky looked at the cover of his Plains Rangers notebook.
“Hey, I never noticed- your notebook says, ‘Confidential’.”
“Yeah. Plains Rangers’ observations are meant for official Canterlot eyes, only.”
“But you share your data with us all the time.”
“Unofficially. A long time ago, the Rangers decided that any information gathered about dragons is too important to not to share with allies. It could save lives. So they started a tradition: for every observation, we write it down in the official confidential report, which goes to Canterlot, and also write it down again on an unmarked backup file, which I ‘accidentally’ leave lying around your village.”
“You bend the rules to help keep us safe?”
“You could say that. Don’t say it to anyone, though.”
“Even that stuck-up unicorn was sharing his data with my tribe. I guess he wasn’t that bad. You hear that, Hoopla?”
Hoopla nodded.
“You buffalo share all your dragon knowledge with us. It’s only fair we do the same.”
“Oh. Heh heh. About that…”
“What?”
“There may be one thing I haven’t shared with you.”
“Oh?
“It’s not exactly about dragons.”
She pointed to the smoking mountain before them.
“It’s more like what’s near that dragon.”
“What’s near that dragon?”
“Right before it came, some of the youths were playing in a cave at the base. They found an old pony skeleton. Pegasus.”
“Skeleton? Some lost prospector?”
“Nuh uh. It was really old. Like, it had ancient armor. They didn’t describe it well, but it sounds like it was from the Rough Classical period.”
“But the only… huh. That could have been a Storm Centurion! They disappeared in the Southern Plains six hundred years ago. Dang. If that dragon wasn’t on the same mountain, I would have loved to check it out.”
“Your shift is over, isn’t it? Let’s go.”
“I can’t approach a sleeping dragon’s mountain. That’s the number one rule.”
“I can bend rules, too. There’s that rule that says you can provide escort support to locals who request it. And I’m requesting it. We can get in and get out without waking that dragon.”
“It’s not worth risking our necks. It’ll be there in another hundred years when the dragon’s moved on.”
“But the Storm Centurions vanished without a trace. You could solve a six-hundred-year old pony mystery today. That might be enough to impress… her ,” Sky said, pointing to Radish’s flank.
“I’m not putting you in danger for her .”
“Too bad. I’m going. If you don’t want to escort me, you can go back to camp.”
“Sky, wait up. Sky!”
Radish looked at Hoopla.
“I really am over Celestia, you know,” he said to the snake. She shook her head.
“Ah, what do you know?” he said, and followed Sky down the mesa.
Radish and Sky entered the cave at the mountain’s base. Radish pulled out a miniature firefly lantern and shook its tenants awake. They cast a soft green glow over the rocky walls.
“They said it was back here,” Sky said, leading Radish in.
They explored the cave until the lantern light caught a pile of bones sticking up out of the dirt. Radish and Sky bent over it.
They gazed upon the ancient half-exposed remains. It was indeed a pegasus skeleton. A dulled bronze helmet covered an open-jawed skull.
“It really is a Storm Centurion!” gasped Radish. “What a find! I wish we could get a whole team in here to study it.”
“Yeah? Why?” asked a deep and massive voice behind them.
The hairs on the backs of their necks stood up. They both slowly turned. A massive orange dragon’s face protruded from the darkness, illuminated by the firefly lamp.
Both Radish and Sky threw themselves prostrate.
“O, great dragon,” they said simultaneously, “please forgive us for disturbing you.”
“I was already awake. This mountain was an awful place for a nap. The cave up top stinks.”
“That’s the cave lilacs,” said Sky. “They release scented oil when you crush them.”
“I must’ve crushed a million of them, then. So, who’s the stiff?” the dragon asked, pointing a claw at the skeleton.
“She was a Storm Centurion,” answered Radish. “Looks like her wings were cracked.”
“By a dragon?”
“By another pony, probably,” he said. “They were sent to the these parts to hunt bandits.”
“Ponies killing ponies? That’s funny,” said the dragon, adding a toothy laugh. The laugh blew centuries of dirt off the skeleton. Radish winced at its rough treatment. Something new caught his eye in the pile. He shined the light on it.
“It’s her name tag,” he said, looking at an engraved strip of platinum.
“So?” said the dragon.
“Her name was… Willow Wagoner? Wow, the Wagoners are a super wealthy family, even to this day.”
“We talking a reward?” asked the dragon. “What’s my cut?”
“Uh…”
“The Wagoners are notoriously stingy. That’s why they’re so wealthy,” said Sky.
“Ha. That’s the way to do it. I’ll just take the platinum,” said the dragon, reaching out a claw.
“Oh. Ok,” said Radish. The Plains Rangers didn’t need a rule about never saying ‘no’ to a dragon, it was just common sense.
“Wait! Please, he needs that tag to impress his leader,” said Sky, looking at Radish. “He’s in love with her.”
“Sky, forget about her!”
“That’s all it takes to impress the pony leader?” laughed the dragon. “She sounds low-class.”
“You think that’s low-class? Check this out!”
Sky yanked down Radish’s trousers and exposed his cutie mark. The dragon squinted at it. It burst with laughter, the force of which blasted dirt from the cave floor to the back of the cave. The cloud of dust rebounded off the back wall and back over Sky, Radish, and the dragon. They all coughed.
The light caught more reflective objects now exposed by the blast. There were five other armored skeletons.
“The rest of the centurions!” exclaimed Radish as he rushed to examine them. “This one is Sandy Stick! Look! That’s Robin Grayskies! Sunbonnet! They’re all here!”
“More platinum for me!” said the dragon. “Now, claw it over.”
Radish sighed.
“Yeah. All right.”
“Wait!” said Sky. “I can tell you where a much better cave is. It’s full of cave mites.”
“I love the feel of cave mites. Where?”
“I’ll trade you. I’ll tell you if leave us and these remains intact. Isn’t a good sleep better than some tiny platinum bits?”
“Hmm…”
“And I’ll throw in these jalapeño chews,” she said, holding up her bag.
The dragon sniffed them. He lashed out his tongue and slurped them up, leaving a fat trail of saliva on her hoof. She shook it off.
“Deal,” he said, chewing. “The cave?”
“Three mountains south, the one with striped cliffs. South side, about a third of the way down. It’s hidden by briars.”
The dragon slipped away.
“Sky!” gasped Radish. “You could have got us killed!”
“But it all works out. The dragon gets a nicer cave, on the other side of the lakes. My tribe gets a major archeological find, and you get enough fame to become the toast of Canterlot.”
“Then what do you get?”
She looked at his face in the glowing light. She brushed some dirt off his uniform.
“I get to help you. You were never going to stay here for long. Most ponies join the Rangers because dragon-watching sounds impressive. They all move on when they feel they’ve got enough glorious stories to take back with them.”
“Sky, I want to be different from that.”
“You are. You’re the only pony who’s actually needed the glory. It’s stamped on you. Now you’ve got something that’ll really impress Miss Skinny. I bet she’ll be so excited about this discovery, she’ll swoon for you and invite you into the palace as a guest of honor.”
“Sky, I don’t care about Celestia. I can shave off these cutie marks and brand the skin so they don’t grow back. I like it out here. I like hanging out at the tops of mesas with you. And we just got the lakes back.”
“Yeah. I wonder what she’d look like all wet.”
“A lot skinnier, no doubt.”
Sky laughed. She hugged him. He hugged back. They looked at each other.
“You have to go, you know. You can’t spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been.”
“I know.”
“But you can always write. Just don’t send it by hawk mail- Hoopla will have conniptions.”
“Walk me to Ranger HQ?”
“Yeah, but could you leave the chat with the dragon off the record? Both records? My chief will just get mad at you, and your sarge will just get mad at me.”
“Who’d believe it, anyway? I barely believe it. Bargaining with a dragon.”
“At least he liked your mark.”
Radish looked down at his flank.
“Guess it’s good for something.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“Mr. Root, congratulations on this find. Everypony thought the Storm Centurions were lost forever.”
“‘Twern’t nothin’. I mean, it was nothing! I feel honored. But the Black Bluffs buffalo tribe deserves the real credit.”
“Uh huh. Can I get a shot of you with next to Willow?”
“Sure.”
Radish stood next to the museum case displaying Willow Wagoner’s restored and posed remains. He blinked as the photographer’s flashbulb snapped.
The Royal Museum of History was no stranger to night soirees celebrating new exhibits and acquisitions. The Wagoners, being a major contributor to the museum, had spared no expense in bringing their honored ancestor’s bones back to Canterlot as quickly as possible, restoring her armor to its ancient polish and putting Willow in a daring mid-flight pose. The rest of the Storm Centurions, however, were still being carefully excavated and studied by Sky’s tribe.
Radish had never been to Canterlot, or any large city for that matter, and was immediately dizzied by both the size and number of its glittering skyscrapers. Even finding the museum had been a challenge, and explaining to the front clerk that he was an invited VIP was an ordeal. Still, at least this one photographer seemed to understand that tonight was in honor of him.
“One other thing,” said the photographer. “Usually when we credit a pony, we include a picture of their cutie mark. Could I-”
“Could you just use the Plains Rangers emblem? I feel like that’s my mark more than anything now.”
“Sure, we do that kind of thing all the time.”
She made a note in her pad, and walked off. An expensively-suited unicorn walked up from behind Radish, looking him up and down. Radish didn’t have to do the same, he knew Worthy Wagoner from the portrait on the foyer wall.
“Hmm. Yellow earth pony from the south, afraid to show his marks. And you’d be about the right age.”
“What’s that?”
“You’re him , aren’t you? The boy with the… naughty cutie marks? I told Gemmy that really happened.”
Radish said nothing.
“To think, my ancestor’s remains were found by that boy. Let’s keep this between ourselves, shall we? I can make it worth your while.”
“Not to worry, sir. I won’t let anypony know I have anything to do with you.”
“Good boy.”
Worthy walked away, then stopped and looked at Radish over his shoulder.
“She’s not coming, you know.”
“How’s that?”
“The princess gets invitations to a hundred social functions a night. She never accepts any of them. She’s not coming here. And she certainly wouldn’t be impressed by the likes of you.”
He walked away, chortling to himself. Radish huffed off to the bar. He ordered a double malt on the rocks and knocked it back. He turned to find a large brown earth pony in the next seat, wearing the golden armor of a royal guard.
“Hey, don’t let these bozos get to you,” he said. “The only danger they’ve ever faced was running out of hors d’oeuvres.”
“Heh, good one. Say, ain’tcha, I mean, aren’t you Saguaro Shade? I’ve seen your picture in the Ranger Academy.”
“That’s me. Those were some good times.”
“And you’re in the Royal Guard now.”
“Don’t think I’ve gone soft, though. It’s a lot harder than it looks. And I don’t just mean the million-bit marble floors.”
“No, sir.”
“You ever think of becoming a guard? We get a lot of transfers from the City Watch. We could always use ponies with a little more trail dust on their hooves.”
“I have thought about it, sir.”
“The only problem is, you’d have to guard a lot of these stuffed shirts,” he said, gesturing to the crowd.
“Well, they can’t be worse than Dust Shakers during breeding season.”
“Give me a mountain of randy rattlers over the Meet-and-Gallop any day. Tell you what, come by the palace tomorrow, I’ll give you the whole sales pitch. And about those cutie marks of yours…”
“Sir?”
“The only mark that matters is the mark a pony leaves on the world. The whole flank picture thing is just for kids.”
“Well…”
“You know what I mean.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“And that’s all you need to know for now,” said Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guard. “If selected, you’d begin with ground floor duty. It’s basically watching over the tourists. I know that sounds like a demotion from what you were doing in the Plains Rangers, but the smallest job in the palace is bigger than the biggest job outside it.”
Radish had his doubts about that, but kept quietly standing at attention.
“Still, there are plenty of opportunities for advancement for ponies who distinguish themselves. And I’m liking what I’ve seen from your time in the Southern Plains. The letters from your sergeant and the local buffalo chief speak highly of you.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Radish, “it was an honor to work with them.”
“There is one more thing, though. We need to talk about the bugbear in the room. Sit down.”
Radish took the seat in front of Shining Armor’s desk. Shining Armor looked at the door, and cast a spell to lock it.
“Sir?”
“Years ago, every pony in Canterlot was talking about a colt down south who got a cutie mark of the princess… engaged in sexual activity. Gossip always moves on quickly to the next thing, but I don’t forget a thing like that. You can wear all the clothes you like, but every rangepony’s mark is on file. I know the cutie mark of every pony under my command, and of every pony I’d consider for a position here.”
“Yes, sir.”
“I don’t judge a pony by his mark. We’ve seen marks of every kind in the guard, and our armor covers them, anyway. But I need to know: did you enter the Academy, join the Plains Rangers, and work your way up to apply for the Royal Guard, just to sleep with the princess?”
“Sir! I’ve had to answer this accusation in every step of my career!”
“And you’ll answer it at this one. Why do you want to be a guard?”
“To follow in Saguaro Shade’s hoofsteps, sir. He’s a legend at the academy.”
“You should know, a lot of ponies want to become guards in hopes of catching the princess’s eye. They think some heroic deed will make her fall madly in love them, then lead to a whirlwind romance, marriage, kids, whatever.
“But let’s get something straight. I don’t tolerate any inappropriate talk about her. Absolutely no one touches her. And even if you save Equestria a hundred times, even if you take a spear in the gut for the princess herself, she doesn’t owe you a thing- not a kiss, not a ‘thank you’, not even a glance.”
“I know that, sir.”
“If I thought for a moment that you posed a danger to the princess, I’d have trashed your application. But you have a fine record, and I was willing to take you on. However, the princess herself has asked to speak with you first, and it’ll be up to her. Go meet with her. Courtyard A.”
“Yes, sir.”
Radish sighed as he exited the captain’s office. He recalled where Courtyard A was, and as he started for it, he heard an angry young female voice behind him.
“You! Hey you!”
Radish turned and looked. It was a waifish purple unicorn, with a cutie mark of a large star surrounded by several sparkles. She was wearing saddlebags loaded with what looked like way too many books for her to carry alone. Although he hadn’t met her before, he knew who she was- the captain’s kid sister and Celestia’s star pupil, Twilight Sparkle.
“How may I help you, miss?” asked Radish politely.
“Don’t give me that! I know who you are! Everypony knows who you are. You’re that sicko with the gross cutie mark. What, you think the princess would do that with someone like you ?”
“I’m sorry, miss,” said Radish, allowing a soupçon of sarcasm to come through his words, “but this is an inappropriate topic for discussion. Is there anything else I could help you with? Perhaps I could direct you to the nearest exit?”
“Ooh- you- you’re disgusting! If you so much as go near the princess, I’ll turn you into a-”
“Twilight! That’s enough!” yelled Shining Armor, emerging from his office. “You don’t go around picking fights with ponies in the palace!”
“Shining! How could you even think of letting this… this… pervert in here?”
“I dunno, Twily, maybe I’m trying to find you a boyfriend,” Shining Armor said with a mocking grin.
“Ugh! I’m serious! Everypony knows he only came to Canterlot to try to… get with… the princess. He should be imprisoned. He should be banished. He should be defenestrated .”
Radish rolled his eyes.
“Pardon me, miss. Pardon me, captain. But I’m required elsewhere,” he said, turning to take his leave. “The princess shouldn’t be kept waiting. ”
Shining nodded, and Radish walked away, suppressing a smug grin. As he left, he could hear Twilight Sparkle sputter angrily and complain more to Shining Armor.
Radish walked down the halls and out into the courtyard, one of many in the palace. This one was home to several fruit trees and berry bushes, which royal gardeners tended, and royal chefs used for ingredients in royal meals. Celestia was there, sitting on a stone bench, sipping from a delicate teacup.
Radish felt his hooves get heavier and his heartbeat quicken as he approached her. He took a deep breath, stood before her, and saluted.
“Ranger Radish Root, reporting as requested, your highness.”
She looked upon him. She sipped her tea.
“Hello, Ranger Radish Root.”
“Hello, ma’am.”
“You’ve come a long way in a short time.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“And now you want to be in my Guard.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I thought I told you to drop it.”
Radish shifted his hooves uncomfortably. “Ma’am?”
“Don’t . I told you we were friends all those years ago, and friends don’t lie to each other. I want you to speak freely, but honestly. You aimed your whole career path towards fucking me , didn’t you?”
“Ma’am! I…”
She gave him a glare.
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, caught in her piercing eyes.
“You realize, that a princess may not sleep with a member of her Guard? You’ve applied to one of the few professions which makes what you desire impossible. Frankly, you would have had a better chance of sleeping with me if you worked at the crêpe shop down the street.”
“I imagined you’d make an exception.”
“Never.”
Radish’s gaze kept steady.
“Then, may I fetch you a crêpe?”
Celestia snickered, nearly fumbling her teacup.
“Come,” she said, scooting over to one side of the bench, “sit.”
He sat beside her. Somehow, she seemed just as tall compared to him now as when he was a young colt.
“The finest minds in Equestria have been studying cutie marks for ages, and there is still so much we don’t know. Yours was an interesting case study for them back then. They never reached any meaningful conclusions about it. May I see it again?”
He pulled back his pants, exposing his mark. She studied it.
“It hasn’t changed,” she said.
“No, ma’am.”
“My answer still hasn’t changed.”
“I understand, ma’am.”
“But you have changed.”
“Uh, thank you, ma’am?”
“That is a compliment. I’ve seen your record. As you declared you would, you have grown strong and smart. And yes, handsome.”
Radish made a tiny gasp.
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“You now much more resemble the stallion in the mark.”
“Yes, ma’am. I agree.”
“I believe your cutie mark is leading you on a unique path, and I don’t know what that is. But you’ve made your choices, and I must make one now.”
She finished her tea, and put the cup aside. She looked up at an orange tree in front of them. It was tall, with branches full of lush, broad leaves and large, heavy fruit.
“That tree was a gift from the city of Balencia. The soil is different there. The climate is on a different schedule. We weren’t sure if it would even survive up here, much less thrive. But it surprised us all.”
She turned to Radish.
“It didn’t belong here. You don’t belong here. So I am giving you the same chance to thrive as this tree. Let’s see what kind of fruit that bears. Welcome to the Royal Guard, Radish Root.”
Radish stuttered, then jumped off the bench and saluted.
“Thank you, princess!”
“Dismissed. But help yourself to an orange as you go. They’re delicious.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“I, Radish Root, pledge to serve and defend Equestria and its Leadership, to uphold its Constitution, to secure its Peoples from all opposers, and to discharge well and devotedly the duties of the Royal Guard. This, I swear on my honor .”
Radish guarded. Radish patrolled. Those two duties were his life now. He guarded the galleries. He patrolled the corridors. He guarded doors. He patrolled the grounds, the parapets, the perimeter, and the towers. That was what it meant to be a member of the Royal Guard.
Radish’s time in the Plains Rangers had allowed him to enter the Royal Guard at the rank of lieutenant. A lieutenant in the Rangers would have been one of the highest-ranking officers, but a lieutenant in the Guard was one of the lowest, above only cadet and private. Most cadets and privates were off-site, training in academies and in the field. The training Radish was given by his Guard superiors was geared mostly toward replacing his Ranger instincts with Guard instincts.
The Royal Guard predated Celestia, Canterlot, and Equestria itself, emerging from historical predecessors which guarded the leaders of the disparate kingdoms of the ancient Tribal Period. During the great coming-together which marked the founding of Equestria, the Guard had been known as the “E.U.P. Protective Pony Platoon”, in celebration of the new mingling of earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi. The name was obsoleted a few centuries later when the service was opened up to non-pony Equestrians, and since then griffons, zebras, bovines, donkeys, and hybrids had served.
Guards who distinguished themselves did indeed move up to guarding more important parts of the palace, including standing sentry next to Celestia herself. Guards could also be sent on long-term patrols outside Canterlot and be stationed in outposts around Equestria, forming what was known as the Royal Excursionary Forces, or REFs. Equestria did not officially have a standing army, but unofficially, there were entire fighting herds around the nation ready to mobilize at a minute’s notice. A robust network of courier pegasi, supplemented by messenger birds, kept the kingdom connected.
There were rumors of other more covert investigative and enforcement organizations working in and out of the palace, which intrigued Radish. He was certain there really was a “Royal Spymaster” somewhere in the palace, an idea that his fellow guards were split on. Those kinds of rumors gave the palace an air of mystique, which Radish badly needed as he did his duty.
As Shining Armor had said, most of his duties involved handing tourists. He had never handled tourists in his life. The Southern Plains would get visitors, campers, birders, herpers, surveyors, prospectors, and strays, but none of them called themselves tourists. Radish had grown up assuming the term was derogatory.
He now was responsible for the safety of hundreds of tourists a day. The Royal Palace (also called “Canterlot Castle”) allowed sightseers, both guided and free-roaming, to visit its ballrooms, galleries, grounds, legislative chambers, hedge maze, and sculpture garden. Radish stayed out of the sculpture garden if he could avoid it- something about the statuary there made him uneasy.
Radish had just finished helping a tourist read their map for the fourth time since his shift began. He checked his pocketwatch and realized he was behind in his patrol of the south corridors. He pushed through one of the palace’s many massive double doors, and made his way down a hall flanked on both sides by suits of armor. Tourists were forbidden from this hall- the suits were unsecured, fragile, and their halberds had a tendency to fall over from the vibrations of a passing pony.
“Mister! Hey, Mister!” he heard a youthful voice call to him.
“Who goes- oh. Hello, Young Master Spike. What can I do for you?”
A tiny purple dragon scampered up to him. Found as a lost egg, Spike was the adoptive brother and academic assistant of Twilight Sparkle. Supposedly, Princess Celestia had a role in raising him, as well. She had magically imbued his natural dragon fire with the ability to transport documents as smoke, making him one of the fastest means of communication in Equestria, a power he frequently used to communicate with the princess, bypassing and having priority over all other methods.
This made his station in the royal court rather ambiguous, as he had personal ties to the highest echelon of power in Equestria, but was still an underage scribe who slept in a repurposed dog bed. He, like Twilight, had free rein of most of the palace, and had duties that had him interacting with officials throughout. It was possible he was actually in the line of succession. Radish had asked his superiors to clear up his exact position (and Twilight’s, for that matter) but they always responded with just enough ambiguity to make him suspect they had no idea.
“You’re Radish Root, aren’t you?” he chirped excitedly.
“That’s right, sir.”
“You’ve been around dragons, haven’t you?”
“Yes, in the Southern Plains. I was responsible for monitoring a napper for over a year.”
“What was it like?”
“It was an adult male needle morph, orange, with-”
“Needle morph?”
“Dragons come in all shapes and sizes. ‘Needle’ refers to one of the most common shapes- long and narrow, with large swept-back wings and a pointed snout.”
“Can you tell what shape I’m going to grow into?”
Radish had no idea what morph Spike would grow into, if it would be a named one at all. His lack of wings at this stage was interesting, and Radish sometimes wondered if he was a true dragon, and not some close biological ally, or a hybrid thereof. But Radish didn’t need to tell him that.
“Probably one of the more powerful ones,” he said, leaning down to Spike. “A big, strong dragon with limbs like redwoods and fire like a volcano.”
Spike’s eyes were shining.
“Spike? Spike!” called out a female voice. Radish knew its shrill tone anywhere.
Twilight Sparkle trotted around a corner. Her face turned foul when she saw them.
“You!”
“Good afternoon, Lady Sparkle.”
Radish had no idea if Twilight was technically a lady of the court, or what that would even mean, but it was more fun to call her that, especially since she seemed to grit her teeth whenever he did.
“Spike, get away from him! You don’t know who that is!”
“Sure I do! He was a ranger! He’s seen dragons, Twilight!”
“He can’t tell you anything about dragons we don’t have in books, Spike. And he is not to be trusted.”
“Why not?”
“Yes, miss. Why not? Have I done something to offend?” Radish asked, adding a measure of mock hurt to his voice.
“Oh, you know exactly what you’ve done. And it’s only a matter of time before you wash out of here and slink back to the desert!”
“Dear me, miss. I do apologize! How may I set things right?” Radish threw in a touch of a Trottingham accent, just for his own amusement.
“You can hop in the moat!”
“I’m sorry, but that would tarnish my armor. Princess Celestia prefers her guards to maintain a tidy appearance.”
Twilight stammered and stomped a hoof.
“You-”
“Twilight, stop!” said Spike. “Why can’t you get along with somepony for once?”
“I don’t need to play nice with a pony who only joined the Guard to… to…”
“To what?” asked Spike.
“Yes, Lady Sparkle? What is it?”
“I can’t even say it in front of a child. That’s how bad it is!”
“Lady Sparkle, Young Master Spike, I must continue on my patrol route,” Radish said with a bow. “Please keep safe, and enjoy your visit to the palace. We love having you over.”
Radish continued on his way. Twilight Sparkle watched him go with a scowl.
“Twilight! Why’d you do that?” asked Spike. “I was learning about dragons!”
“He has nothing we need, Spike. And once I get some real pull around here, he’ll be a distant memory.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Throngs of revelers filled the palace grounds. Though Celestia was never in Canterlot for the Summer Sun Celebration, hundreds of her admirers partied at her palace each year just the same. There never had been any trouble during Summer Sun, but something about this morning felt wrong to Radish.
He scanned the crowd for anything unusual. Palace guards were each assigned a small collapsible spyglass for long-range observing. Radish hated them- they were practically the same model that were sold in the kids section of the palace’s gift shop, just with a different logo stamped on them. Radish longed for the solid feel of his Plains Rangers binoculars. He was now trying to adjust his spyglass to focus on the guests, barely able to make out faces from flanks.
A bell chimed, and the crowd began calling out the countdown to sunrise. Radish felt his haunches tense.
“Three… two… ONE!” The band struck up a celebratory song as ponies cheered and clinked champagne flutes.
The sun did not rise.
Shocked gasps rose from the gathered. Radish looked at the palace's clock tower, then his own pocket watch. The time was right, but the sky was wrong.
Is something wrong with the sun? Or... is something wrong with Celestia!?
Murmurs arose from the crowds, followed by panicked shouts. Some of the guards among them were calling for calm, and the band resumed their song to try to bring some sense of normalcy back. Some of the masses were already rushing for the exits.
Radish scanned the horizon with his spyglass. Celestia had chosen Ponyville this year, a small hamlet which was visible from Canterlot. He saw a few blurred lights from the town, but try as he might, he couldn’t make out any details as to what was happening there. Then, he saw something rushing toward the palace from the town. A pegasus guard, one who had accompanied Celestia there, was barreling toward Canterlot at an astounding pace, leaving a crackle of lightning in his wake. He barely slowed as he reached the palace, and flew right onto the balcony where Shining Armor was stationed.
This is bad.
The next hour was a blur for Radish. The first new set of orders was to get the celebrants out and secure the palace. Nothing was explained to the lower ranks. Rumors were spread, debunked, and replaced with new, worse rumors. All anyone was sure of was that something awful must have happened to Celestia. The Wonderbolts, the nation’s fastest team of fliers, were dispatched to Ponyville. A contingent of pegasus guards towing earth and unicorn guards in chariots followed. Radish wasn’t chosen to go.
A curfew was called over Canterlot. With nothing to do but stare worriedly at the sky, ponies took notice of a change in the moon. The Mare in the Moon, a dark pattern on the moon's surface in the shape of a unicorn's profile, had vanished. The rumors grew worse from there. Most ponies had some vague memory of an old pony tale about the Mare in the Moon, but none had ever sat down and read the story in its entirety, if it was ever written down at all.
The only pony who would have ever read something like that would probably be… Twilight Sparkle!
Radish found Zero, the pegasus charioteer, doing a security sweep of skies above the north wing. He called him down.
“Yes, I took Twilight Sparkle to Ponyville,” he said. “But we just dropped her and Spike off, and came back here.”
“You could have been one of the last ponies to see her. Did she say anything?”
Zero nodded.
“She spent the whole trip complaining to Spike about her assignment. She was saying something about a prophecy. She saw this coming, Rad. Nopony listened to her, not even the princess.”
“Prophecy? Can you remember any details?”
“She kept talking about a nightmare, and the moon,” Zero said, looking at the dark sky. “Wasn’t there some old myth about that? Nightmare Moon?”
“If Twilight was researching this, she may have left some records behind. Come on, we can search her study for this prophecy!”
“Our orders are to protect the palace.”
“But our job is to protect the princess. Twilight’s notes may help to do that.”
“Well, I’m not leaving my post. And you shouldn’t, either.”
He flew back up and resumed patrol. Radish looked out at Twilight’s dorm, a tall, lone tower near Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.
This won’t take long. She was always so organized.
Twilight’s dorm was more like a book depository with a bed. Radish held up a firefly lamp, and gazed at the massive collection of books arranged both neatly on shelves and piled high into seemingly-arbitrary stacks.
Twilight learned about Nightmare Moon from one of these. I just need to pick up where she left off. That will lead to Twilight, which will lead to Nightmare Moon, which will lead to Celestia.
He flipped through book after book. Twilight’s interest in reading material was vast and varied. It was not as well-organized as he imagined.
No wonder she needs a dragon assistant. What other creature has the patience to deal with all this?
He heard hoofbeats running up to the tower from outside.
“Twily!?” he heard Shining Armor call. “Is that you!?”
Oh no. He must have seen the light from the palace.
Before Radish could react, Shining Armor burst into the room with a hopeful expression on his face. He saw Radish, and his expression turned the foulest Radish had ever seen.
“Root! What the hay are you doing in my sister’s bedroom?” he demanded, advancing on Radish, his horn sparking angrily.
“She knew, captain! She knew some kind of disaster was coming! She knew something about Nightmare Moon!”
Shining Armor’s face twisted.
“And what do you know about Nightmare Moon?”
“Nothing! I thought that if-”
“We were keeping it quiet so as not to start a panic! A monstrous dark mare appeared in Ponyville. She took credit for kidnapping the princess. And my sister stood up to her and identified her as Nightmare Moon. Then Nightmare Moon attacked the guards and escaped! Both she and Twilight are missing, and now I find you abandoning your post and rummaging through her things!?”
“Twilight’s the smartest pony in town! If we follow her research-”
“Enough! You’ve disobeyed orders, broke into Twilight’s home, distracted me from my duties… and… and… whoa.”
Midday light filled the room. The sun was up. The eternal night was over, as unexpectedly as it began.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish dragged his scrub brush back and forth across ancient masonry. He was no stranger to cleaning duty, but cleaning the old tunnels underneath the palace, he had to admit, was a genius punishment. The layers of dirt in the tunnels were older than most of the bricks of the city above. A single stone in a wall took an enormous amount of time and exertion to clean, but at least he was learning a lot about what they looked like a thousand years ago. It turned out they used to be a slightly less darker shade of gray.
He heard light hoofbeats approaching, but kept focused on the task. Then he heard a soft voice behind him.
“Lieutenant Root?”
It was Twilight Sparkle. By now, the story had reached all corners. She had braved some preternatural forest and returned, having defeated Nightmare Moon and rescued Princess Celestia.
“I heard about what you were doing during the crisis,” she said. “I’m sorry you got into trouble on my behalf. I know you were only trying to help.”
“No, I should’ve kept to my station,” Radish said, continuing to scrub. “If I had just waited another fifteen minutes, everything would have been fine.”
“But you couldn’t have known that. During a crisis, you have to act on the best available information at the time.”
“Maybe, but that wasn’t my call. In the Plains Rangers, we had a lot of independence. If someone needed my help, I could spend all day with them. If I saw something suspicious miles away, I could check it out. Here, I need permission to scratch my, uh, nose.”
“I understand. It takes a lot of getting used to Canterlot. I’ve tried talking to Shining about it, but-”
“It’s fine. I’m lucky he didn’t kick me out.”
“He was so relieved to have the princess back, I think he was in a forgiving mood. I found you because I wanted to thank you for believing in me.”
“Believing in you?”
“I’m flattered you thought my studies alone could have helped save the day.”
“But your studies alone did save the day, didn’t they?”
“Not alone. My research led me to the Elements of Harmony, but I couldn’t have reached them, or understood their meaning, without the friends I made in Ponyville. They saw me through it all. And they taught me just how powerful friendship really is.”
She stepped a little bit closer.
“Shining said you called me the smartest pony in town. I didn’t know you had that kind of respect for me.”
“‘Respect is the currency of the plains.’ Chief Shortshadow always said that. We couldn’t have operated there unless ponies and the buffalo respected each other. We couldn’t study dragons unless we respected their power. And I’ve always respected your talents, Lady Sparkle, even if we’ve quarreled.”
It was the first time Radish called her “Lady Sparkle” not in mockery, but out of respect. He thought she deserved it.
“We got off on the wrong hoof. I got off on the wrong hoof with each of my new friends in Ponyville, too. But I learned how wonderful friendship with them could be. I would like it if we could become friends, too.”
He stopped scrubbing and looked at her, cockeyed.
“Really?”
“Really. I’m still new to this whole friendship thing, so please be patient with me if I mess up at it. I’m sorry about all those things I said about you. Could we start over?”
Radish had never seen her like this. Contrite, sincere… sweet?
He resumed scrubbing. “I’d like that, Lady Sparkle. I wanted to say how grateful I am to you for saving Equestria.”
“Oh, stop!” she said, blushing. “I got enough of that from everypony else. And please, could we drop the ‘Lady’? Just ‘Twilight’ is fine.”
“Oh. Okay… Twilight.”
She smiled. Then, she noticed a feature in the brick he was scrubbing clean. It looked like a lever surreptitiously built into the wall.
“Hey, what’s that? Is that a switch?”
“Uh huh. I’m guessing this wall opens up.”
“A secret passageway!? Why haven’t you opened it?”
She pushed him aside and put her magic aura over the switch, grasping for the right way to turn it.
“Hey! Don’t!”
It clicked, and the wall slid open, revealing a long, dark passageway. The rush of air unsettled hundreds of years of dust.
“What a cool find!” she said. “There could be anything down there!”
She shined a light from her horn, and cast a glow down the passage. There was no end in sight.
“It probably leads to the cisterns,” said Radish, sitting back.
“What cisterns?” asked Twilight.
“Before the waterfall reservoirs were built into the mountain, the palace’s water supply was collected in huge underground vaults. They’re just used for miscellaneous storage now.”
“How did you know that? I’ve been here most of my life, and I’ve never heard of that.”
“It’s in the Royal Guard manual. Every part of the palace, old and new, is.”
“Wow, that’s one book I never bothered with. See, we’re learning from each other already!”
Radish stared down the long corridor.
“Now I have to clean all those walls, too,” he sighed.
“Oops. Sorry. Is there a way I can make it up to you?”
Radish thought about it.
“Well, if I ever finish down here, I’ll have free time again. And I’ve barely explored Canterlot at all.”
“I haven't seen much of Canterlot, myself. Was there some place you wanted to go in particular?”
“There’s this café in midtown that has poetry nights. I’ve always wanted to see what they’re like. But I don’t want to go alone, and I don't know anyone who's into that kind of intellectual stuff. Would you like to check it out with me sometime?”
“I’d love to!”
“Great!”
“But I can’t.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not staying in Canterlot.”
“What?”
“Twilight is moving to Ponyville, to further study the magic of friendship.”
Radish whipped around, and there was Princess Celestia. He threw himself on the floor.
“Your highness! I’m so sorry!”
“For?”
“I abandoned my post when Canterlot needed me the most.”
“I’ve been told that, during the crisis, you attempted to research what was happening. I appreciate the approach, though it’s one you should have suggested to your superiors, not taken upon yourself to do.”
“And I took all the books on Nightmare Moon with me to Ponyville, so you were kind of researching a dead end,” added Twilight.
“Oh. So much for my big heroic moment,” Radish sighed.
“Twilight, could you give us some privacy?”
“Yes, ma’am,” said Twilight. She turned to Radish. “I’m sorry. I’m returning to Ponyville once I’ve packed my things. But there’s a type of friendship called ‘pen pals’. Do you think we could be each other’s?”
“That’d be great. I never get mail from friends.”
“And I’ve never had any to get mail from! This will be so fun!”
She said her goodbyes and trotted away, the glow of her horn lighting her way down the hall. Radish was then alone with Celestia, with only flickering lantern light illuminating them. He kept his head bowed.
“I’m glad to see you’re all right,” he said. “I was so worried.”
“And what were you worried about? The threat of eternal night? The cruel reign of Nightmare Moon?”
“What? None of those! I was worried about you!”
“Why? Were you afraid that with me gone, you’d never fulfill your destiny?”
“Destiny? What destiny?”
She motioned to his flank. He looked at it, not comprehending at first. Then a realization dawned on him.
“I… I wasn’t even thinking about that. I was scared for you.”
“Oh?”
“No one knew what happened to you. I kept thinking that you could have been dead, or injured, or captured. I had this image of you being frightened and alone.”
“You felt sympathy for me?”
“I guess so. Oh.”
He prostrated himself before her again.
“I’m so sorry. All this time, I've only seen you as my goal. But you were nothing but a goal to Nightmare Moon, weren't you? You were right- I don't belong here. Guards should protect the princess from ponies who just... see her as their goal."
“Stand up.”
He lifted himself and looked at her. She was smiling.
“I’m glad to hear you’ve learned something. It took an emergency for Twilight to learn something important, as well. The magic of friendship saved me, her, and my sister.
“Twilight has promised to send me reports of what she learns about friendship. I would like you to put to parchment what you learned today, as well. Five hundred words minimum. Due in two days.”
“Yes, ma'am. Wait, you have a sister?”
“You’ll see.”
The Only Mark That Matters
"Keep still, guardstallion."
"Yes, ma'am."
Radish held his breath and closed his eyes. Luna had called him in near the end of his shift for a viewing of his cutie marks. She was staring so closely at his flank, he could feel her breath spread his fur.
"Tell us, how did Celestia remark upon seeing these?"
"Well, she said it looks consensual."
"Indeed it does. But why would Celestia consent to an act such as this with one such as thee ?"
"I, uh, always hoped she'd want to because I was... handsome?"
Luna walked in front of Radish and peered down at his face. He leaned back. She cocked her eyebrows.
"And dost thou still desire her, guardstallion?”
“I try not to think about it. I know it will never happen.”
“That is wise. It will not. Has thou, then, another mare in thy sights? Mayhap a guardmare, or palace serving wench?”
“Oh, palace personnel aren’t supposed to date each other.”
“‘Date’?”
“Uh, court each other.”
“Why not?”
“You know, the rulebook didn’t say why. It just said not to.”
“‘Tis commendable that thou obey without question. Thy superiors know best."
"Yes, your highness."
"Dawn is nearly upon us. We must retire now. That will be all, lieutenant.”
"Aye, ma'am."
The sun was up by the time Radish had exited the tower. He strolled across the castle's outer wall. He shielded his eyes from the sun and looked out south. That was the direction of Ponyville, where Twilight Sparkle was studying. It always looked so peaceful.
Something caught his eye. Out of the mountain range far west of Ponyville, a plume of black smoke was pouring out one of the peaks and pooling in the skies.
Radish tried to get his spyglass on it. It barely looked closer. He ran to the spotting scope mounted nearby. He got the mountain in the center, and adjusted the coarse and fine focus knobs. He couldn’t see where the smoke was coming from, but he knew what it was coming from.
Oh no. Not here.
Commander Barrel Roller flew up behind him.
“Root! You’re-! I see you’ve seen the problem.”
“Dragon, ma’am. Probably a stray napper.”
He looked up.
“What are our orders?”
“Report to the captain. There’s a plan in the works.”
Radish entered Shining Armor’s office. Shining Armor was at his desk, with Celestia standing to one side and Saguaro Shade at the other. A large map of Equestria was laid out over the desk, along with several books, scrolls, and reports.
“Did you see?” asked Shining Armor.
“Yes, sir. Dragon. Likely taking a nap. It could last anywhere from one year to over a hundred.”
“The princess has a plan, but we wanted to hear your opinion on the matter before we begin.”
“Mine?”
“Saguaro Shade's idea. Says it’s a test for you.”
Saguaro Shade nodded and said, “Go on, Root. Show them what you bring to the table.”
“I see. Well, a solo Excursionary could get close to assess the…”
Celestia stepped forward.
“No. This will be a test for Twilight Sparkle and her friends, as well. I’ve decided to send them in to handle it.”
Radish stammered.
“You want to use Elements of Harmony against a dragon? I don’t know much about how they work, but I thought they heal emotional bonds. This dragon is only sleeping- it’s not being malicious.”
“You misunderstand. They will not be attacking, they will ask the dragon nicely to leave.”
Radish’s skin crawled and his heart dropped into his stomach.
“I… I see. That’s never been done before, but if you have that kind of confidence in them…”
“Oh, don’t worry,” said Shining Armor, “are you forgetting? We have a secret weapon. A dragon of our own to talk to it!”
Radish’s mind reeled.
“You don’t mean… you can’t put Spike in front of that dragon!” he cried.
Celestia and Shining leaned back in surprise. Saguaro Shade smiled.
“Wanna explain why?” asked Shining Armor.
“Sir, ma’am, we’re probably in an egg-hatching season. Which means a single stray dragon is likely trying to get away from the all the newly-hatched baby dragons. The noise, the smell, the responsibility- it wants nothing to do with the younglings. Showing up with a baby dragon may enrage it and put the team in danger.”
“What are you talking about, Root? Dragons love their babies, they don’t shirk them.”
“Sir, dragon eggs are hatched in a communal nursery and cared for by a select few who are suited for it. The rest of the adults have little interaction with them- parents may never have any strong relationships with their offspring as ponies define them. Those with roosts too close to the nursery may leave to go find peace elsewhere. That’s probably what our napper is doing.”
“Where are you getting all this? We don’t have this information anywhere.”
“It’s buffalo lore, sir.”
“You mean it’s unsubstantiated.”
“Almost all dragon knowledge is. There have been very few dragon encounters over the years. They don’t converse. You can’t experiment on them. And it’s a field of study where the subject can eat the researcher. All we have to go on is rumor that gets slowly confirmed or debunked over time. The buffalo have the oldest rumors and have had the longest time to test them. They’ve sometimes lost whole tribes to learn one fact.”
“You realize what you’re saying goes against what’s in the Codex Magnus, right? It says that dragons form tight family bonds from egg to death.”
“You… you still use the Codex Magnus!?”
“Any reason why we shouldn’t?”
“It’s a fake, sir.”
Shining Armor and Celestia looked at each other, surprised. They both looked at Saguaro Shade. He nodded.
“Explain yourself,” said Shining to Radish.
“The Rangers threw out the Codex years ago. It’s useless,” Radish replied.
“Flash Magnus was one of Equestria’s greatest heroes.”
“But he didn’t write the Codex. It was written decades after his disappearance.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“The Rangers have analyzed the text. It uses words that weren’t known in Flash Mangus’s time. It refers to events that he couldn’t have known about. And it describes dragons in terms that we know to be false. It claims they wear the hides of their kills. It says their scales light up when they breathe fire. It claims they vote for their leaders , for Celestia’s sake!”
Celestia looked at him, puzzled.
“Uh, just an expression, ma’am.”
“If all this is true, why haven’t we heard about any of it?” asked Shining.
Radish breathed in, exasperatedly.
“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t know. I thought everypony knew this by now.”
Shining Armor turned back to Saguaro Shade.
“Well? Is what he’s saying true?”
“They went back and forth on it in my day, trying to salvage some parts as authentic, or written by ponies who knew Flash, and so on. But no Ranger was ever helped by a single line of the Codex Magnus.”
Shining Armor frowned.
“We read the Codex to Spike growing up,” he muttered. “He loved those stories.”
“Radish, what would you recommend?” asked Celestia.
“No one should ever approach a sleeping dragon. That’s Rule One.”
“Not around here, Root,” said Shining, shaking his head. “If we don’t get rid of that dragon, we lose almost all of Central Equestria to a hundred years of smoke. We’re sending in the girls. I want to know what you think they should do when they get there.”
“Okay. Here goes.”
Shining’s horn glowed as he lifted a quill.
“To talk to a dragon, you have to flatter it.”
Shining Armor wrote down “charm”.
“An offering of food can take the edge off.”
Shining wrote down “apples”.
“Dragons like dark humor and dirty jokes.”
Shining wrote, “make it laugh”.
“And whatever you do, don’t attack it. Don’t touch its hoard, either.”
Shining stopped writing.
“Well, I thought that would be obvious.”
“It can be reasoned with, as long as it’s shown respect. The best thing to do is recommend a better cave. They’ll have to scout for one if they don’t know of one. Look for cave mites especially, while avoiding lilacs.”
Celestia floated a quill to the page and wrote, “Just let Fluttershy handle it”. Shining nodded to her and turned it face-down on his desk.
“Thank you, Root. I think we have enough.”
“Sir, I could go with them-”
“You’re a guard here, Root.”
“Yes, sir.”
Radish stepped out of Shining’s office. Saguaro Shade followed him.
“Well, sir? How’d I do?”
“You said more or less what I would’ve said. Nice to see the Academy is still giving a proper education. And it’s always fun to hear you break out of that kiss-ass voice you do.”
“Sir, the Codex Magnus?”
“I don’t get to pick and choose what the captain read growing up. And it’s going to be a while before they start printing it with the proper caveats.”
“Sir, this plan of theirs is really dangerous.”
“You’ll get no argument from me. But the captain and the princess will also get no argument from me once their minds are made up, ever.”
“Twilight Sparkle is a friend of mine. She should be going in with guards, not party planners and dressmakers.”
“Root, this is a new paradigm. I don’t fully get it, but it’s not our place to question it. Out loud, at least.”
“Yes, sir.”
“By the way, I’m a bit curious about some of those factoids you were spittin’. I don’t believe I’ve seen anything about dirty jokes in the Ranger annals.”
“It’s, uh, something the Black Bluffs believe. They haven’t cleared it for publication yet.”
“Yeah? You were with them when that dragon did a resettle, weren’t you? Were lilacs involved in that?”
“We… had our suspicions.”
“Root, if there was a first-order dragon encounter, HQ should have been informed.”
“I’ve said all I can say about it, sir.”
Saguaro Shade sighed.
“I know what that means. I won’t pry. But can you tell me if we’re sending those six girls in with the best information we have?”
“We are. That’s what terrifies me.”
Twilight Sparkle led her friends Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Fluttershy up a dusty mountain path. She read over the letter Celestia had sent her for the tenth time as they walked.
“Can anypony tell me why we’re going to talk to a dragon without bringing Spike? You know, our own dragon?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Indeed,” said Rarity. “I was so hoping for a chance to spend some quality time with him.”
“Princess Celestia consulted Radish Root on it. He thinks the dragon would be adverse to meeting a baby of its own kind,” answered Twilight.
“Radish Root?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Isn’t he the one with, you know…”
She pointed to her cutie mark, then made a series of obscene gestures. Pinkie Pie giggled.
“Lay off, Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight. “He’s a friend. And he’s studied dragons.”
“Well, excuse me. You’ve got to admit, it’s pretty weird.”
“Now, that ain’t fair, Rainbow,” admonished Applejack. “A feller can’t help it if’n his cutie marks are, uh, odd.”
“Odd? I’ve heard they’re positively pornographic!” said Rarity. “Have you ever seen them, Twilight?”
“I may have peeked at his file once. Before we were friends.”
“And?”
“And I don’t think they’re relevant to this mission. Look, he’s recommended several strategies for dealing with the dragon- humor, charm, throwing apples at it. And lastly, he thinks Fluttershy will be instrumental in accomplishing our goal. Don’t fall behind, Fluttershy, we’re depending on you.”
“Okay,” squeaked Fluttershy.
From a corner of the palace walls, Radish watched the mountains through a scope. The smoke had stopped. He couldn’t see the cave mouth, or the six mares, who had apparently reached it. Then, a streak of red cut through the sky. Radish looked up to reacquire it, then got the scope back on it.
A magnificent red dragon flew away from the mountains. Radish tried to memorize as many of its field marks as he could before it disappeared into the clouds. He pulled out a small notepad and scribbled down his observations.
“Once a Ranger, always a Ranger, eh, Root?” said Saguaro Shade from behind him.
“Did you see it, sir? Adult needle morph. Red, underparts gold. That might be a known one! If only I had a good look at its head. It was too far to sex it.”
“Root, six untrained ponies have just done what generations never dared try. They woke up a dragon and convinced it to leave.”
“I’m amazed, sir. This opens up whole new lines of research. If we throw out Rule One, we can learn more about dragons in a day than we have in a decade.”
“Let’s hope we don’t have to do this again. Still, you should be proud of yourself.”
“Me?”
“They did go in following your advice. And I’m sure they can tell you what sex it was.”
Radish thought on this.
“Sir, a lot of folks think those six are just one-hit wonders. That they got lucky with Nightmare Moon. But they’re for real, aren’t they? A new party of adventuring heroes. Like in olden times. They can do some real good out there.”
“That’s more optimism than I can muster, Root. But I’m impressed with them today.”
“Makes you wonder what they’ll do next.”
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Congratulations on your successful mission to speak with the dragon. I’m relieved everypony came out safely.
I’m being told that the details of your encounter with the dragon are being classified secret, so I won’t ask about how it went down. Just know that everyone here in the palace is enormously proud of you and your team.
I hope Spike wasn’t upset about being left behind. I’m sure he’ll get to go on the next adventure.
Your Pen Pal,
Radish Root
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat on a bench in the guards’ locker room, polishing his armor in preparation for his shift. A fellow guard- a tall, eggshell-white unicorn named Spatterdash- sat on the bench next to him, polishing his own armor with much more gusto.
“And now… perfect!” said Spatterdash, gazing at his face in the mirrored surface of his peytral. “Who’s that handsome guy?”
A snaking plume of smoke drifted into the room, then stopped in front of Radish. It curled into a ball and burst into a flash of light. A sealed scroll dropped at Radish’s feet. He picked it up and read its addressee tag.
“What on earth is that?” asked Spatterdash.
“Dragon mail. Spike can send documents through his fire breath.”
He put it in his saddle bags.
“You’re not going to read it?”
“I’ll save it. It’ll give me something to read on break.”
“Spike is kind of like a royal official, right? It could be important.”
“It’s marked as just personal.”
“You don’t seem too enthused to be getting personal mail magically delivered from the kingdom’s only dragon scribe.”
Radish sighed.
“Spike keeps writing me asking about dragons,” he said.
“Makes sense. Everypony, uh, I mean, everybody should know their heritage.”
“His parents- his pony parents- raised him reading from the Codex Magnus. It’s an ancient text about dragons that’s totally bunk.”
“So, he wants better info about dragons?”
“Yeah, but Twilight’s already given him everything the Plains Rangers have published.”
“But the Rangers don’t publish everything they know, do they?”
“We’re… I mean, they’re, not allowed to publish things they can’t prove.”
“Which is a ton of stuff, right?”
“Yeah, but it’s all things I’d hate to tell Spike. For example, he’s asked about how his egg could have ended up in Equestria.”
“A griffon peddler showed up with it one day, right?”
“That’s the story the older guards tell. Shining’s ordered me not to repeat it to Spike or Twilight Sparkle. I don’t think Celestia wants her to know the story, either.”
“Oh? The story is that bad?”
“The griffon supposedly said she found the egg by a riverbank. Claimed not to know what it was. But Celestia did. When she told the peddler that dragon trafficking was illegal, the peddler just put the egg down and bolted, never to be seen again.”
“And I suppose the Rangers have their own ideas about that?”
Radish looked around the locker room, then lowered his voice.
“No griffon can snatch a dragon egg and live. And egg guardians don’t misplace eggs. But they do discard non-viable ones. Or ones that appear non-viable.”
“And Spike’s egg appeared non-viable?”
“It sure needed a lot of magic to hatch. If the guardian thought an egg was no good, they’d just kick it out of the hatching grounds. It could have rolled into a lava flow, and lava flows into rivers…”
“And then the griffon finds it. So, not something the little tyke would want to hear.”
“I can’t tell him he was discarded. It would break his heart. Twilight Sparkle would hate me. The captain would be furious. Princess Celestia would be, too.”
“So, what, you just lie to the kid?”
“It’s just speculation, anyway. Not something he needs to be burdened with.”
“Wouldn’t you want to know if you were him?”
“Is it even my place to tell him?”
“Well, what are you going to tell him?”
Radish thought about it.
“I could get him to focus on something else. The positives of dragonkind.”
“Which are?” Spatterdash asked.
“Hmm. The Long Runner buffalo tribe thinks some dragons live by a personal code of honor. I could put out feelers, see if they’ll share what they know about it.”
“Code of honor, huh? That would be better to hear than, ‘oh, your kind just thought you were trash’.”
Another trail of smoke flew to Radish and coalesced into a scroll.
“Oh, this one is actually marked urgent,” Radish said.
He opened it.
“Radish- please disregard the previous letter. I think I’ve figured it out. Signed, Spike. ”
Radish withdrew the previous letter and opened it.
“He was asking for romantic advice. Like I’d have any.”
“Romantic? Wait, is he interested in ponies?”
“I’d expect so. He was hatched in a room full of unicorns. I’ve always wondered if he imprinted on them.”
The door opened, and Shining Armor stuck his head in. Radish and Spatterdash stood to salute him.
“Did I see dragon smoke come in here?” he asked.
“Yes, sir. Personal mail. I was going to look at it on my next break,” said Radish.
“Probably about that Rarity girl. I keep telling him he’s too good for her.”
“Oh?”
“You can tell him that, too.”
“Yes, sir.”
Shining Armor left. Spatterdash raised an eyebrow.
“You gonna tell him that?” he whispered.
“I’m in no position to give any romantic advice,” Radish whispered back.
“Yeah? Why not?”
Radish gave him a look, then lifted up his saddle blanket and pointed to his cutie mark.
“Oh, right. Her. Uh, none of us wanted to be the one to tell you this, but you say her name in your sleep. A lot.”
“I dream about her. A lot.”
“Well, don’t worry. You’ll get over her.”
“What if I never do? What if these cutie marks drive me insane?”
“Root-”
“Call me ‘Radish’.”
“Radish, a lot of us have had crushes on PC at one point or another. It’s normal. It’s healthy. But it’s not forever. You’ll move on.”
“Spatterdash…”
“Call me ‘Spats’.”
“Spats, she’s the ultimate mare. How do you move on from the best?”
“‘Best’ doesn’t mean ‘best for you’. But there is a mare out there who is.”
Radish thought this over.
“Yeah, maybe. Thanks. But I still don’t know what I’m going to tell Spike. I don’t know what’s best for him.”
“Well, I-”
Another scroll popped into existence in Radish’s face. He grit his teeth and read it.
“Oh! He’s excited! He helped out Rarity at her shop, so she’s going to show him her gem cave!”
“Isn’t he too young for that?”
Radish and Spats shared a laugh.
Dear Spike,
I’m happy things are going well with Miss Rarity. I’m afraid I don’t have any romantic advice to offer, but my buddy Spats thinks that well-polished scales will turn anypony’s head. I’ve enclosed a sample of his favorite armor shine. Let me know how it goes.
Sincerely,
Lt. Radish Root
P.S., I’ve heard from the Long Runners. I’ve enclosed what they believe are examples of a “Noble Dragon Code”. What do you think? Do any speak to you?
The Only Mark That Matters
Dear Radish,
It’s great that you’ve been making new friends in the palace. I’m starting to realize how many friends I could have made during all the time I spent there. I’m glad that I made at least one before I left.
Now that I’m a librarian, sharing books is one of my most favorite ways of breaking the ice with a stranger- which, as Pinkie Pie says, is just another word for a friend you haven’t met!
Radish rolled his eyes, then continued reading.
I’ve included in this package a wide variety of books for your friend. Don’t worry about returning them- these are from my own collection, and you can consider them a gift. Let me know which ones your friend likes the most!
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
Radish entered Selenic Spire and met the duty officer at his desk.
“Ah, finally. Princess Luna has been asking after you since she woke up.”
“But she knows my schedule, right? I always start thirty minutes before sunset.”
“Oh, I love to tell princesses they’re too impatient. And they love to hear it, too.”
“Yes, sir.”
“What’cha got there?” he asked, pointing to Radish’s saddlebags.
“She mentioned wanting some new books. Twilight Sparkle sent me a whole bunch.”
“I’ll need to check them.”
Radish piled the books on his desk. The duty officer went through them. He picked up a pulp jungle adventure novel with a gold pegasus on the cover.
“Too intense for her.”
He put it aside. He picked up a gothic ghost story.
“Too reminiscent of Nightmare Moon.”
He put it aside. He picked up a war epic.
“Too intense, and too reminiscent of Nightmare Moon.”
“Are we allowed to censor Lady Sparkle’s gifts to Princess Luna?”
“Censor? Who’s censoring?” he said, putting most of the books in his drawer and closing it. “But the rest of these are fine.”
Radish put the remaining books in his bag and climbed to Luna’s hall. As he entered, her door creaked open.
“Guardstallion Root, to our side.”
“Yes, princess.”
He entered her room. She looked at him expectantly.
"Okay," he said, and started to unbuckle his armor.
"Nay, we need not the levity of thy cutie marks tonight," she said. "For tonight, we-"
She noticed his saddlebags.
“What dost thou have in thy satchels?”
“Oh! You mentioned wanting some new books. A friend sent me some.”
Radish opened his saddlebags and arranged the books on one of Luna’s tables. She stared at their covers, one by one.
“Boarding school adventure tales? A biography of a mathematician? A detective story set at a racetrack? Guardstallion Root, thy friend’s tastes are wanting.”
“Hmm. Sorry.”
“Make sure you tell them that.”
“Okay.”
“What’s this one?”
She picked up a dark purple book and stared at the illustration on its cover, then flipped to its back. Radish recalled it being some kind of courtly romance tale of knights and high-class ladies.
“This… may keep our interest. Thank you, guardstallion. Thy gift is appreciated.”
“You’re welcome.”
She looked at the longcase clock against the wall.
“‘Tis about time to begin. Guardstallion Root, we have important business tonight. Dost thou know our unique talent?”
“Raising the moon?”
“Indeed. That duty has fallen to our sister lo these past thousand years. We are now ready to assume that function once more.”
“That’s wonderful!”
“Truly. But now we need our technique assessed. We must know the opinion of the common pony. Watch us raise the moon, and provide critique. Behold it now.”
She trotted onto her balcony, and Radish followed. Luna’s horn glowed with a deep indigo aura. The moon flew from below the horizon and stopped high in the sky. Luna turned to Radish.
“Well?”
“I kind of wish it was… slower.”
“Slower? Thou wish ponykind to see us perform our duties lazily? Hesitantly? Feebly?”
“No, it’s just that… I like seeing it in motion. I don’t like it when I just blink and miss it.”
“So, ‘tis a spectacle you desire. And Celestia raises it too fast for thy liking?”
“Yes.”
“And she handles the sun the same way?”
“Yes, it just pops up. But you can’t look at the sun, anyway.”
Luna looked at the moon.
“Then we have this advantage over Celestia. Our talent may be looked upon in wonder, while all eyes must shun hers. We have never considered this.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Now, behold- we will attempt anew.”
She thrust the moon back down below the horizon. Then, she closed her eyes and concentrated. Her horn glowed again, but softer.
The moon rose up elegantly. It slowed as it approached its apex, and stopped so gently, Radish had to keep staring to make sure it was done moving.
“Is it to thine liking?”
“That was amazing. I’ve never seen it like that before.”
“We are in agreement. The moon is beautiful, and should move gracefully, like a partner in a dance. The sun is utilitarian, like a common wall sconce. Let Celestia spring her sun on ponies, with its demands of daily toil. The moon will rise gently as a song, calling to all that beautiful night is upon them.”
“That’s why ponies love the moon. The gentleness. The peace and quiet. It means they don’t have to do anything but sleep.”
“This is the lesson we needed. We had once believed that sleeping ponies were shunning our night. But they were truly enjoying it to the fullest, were they not? Radish Root, if thou had been at our side a thousand years ago, telling us so, we may not have fallen into darkness.”
“Oh! That’s very nice of you to say, your highness.”
“Now, as a reward, thou may sit by our side upon this balcony. We will enjoy the peace and quiet together, until Celestia once again flings her baleful sun skyward, disrupting the perfect beauty of night.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“You are welcome, Radish Root. Now, the peace and quiet.”
Radish sat in the chair next to Luna’s. He took in the sky, with its wisps of cloud sailing slowly overhead. The moon shone brightly, illuminating the palace grounds.
He took in the palace. Even at night, it’s beauty was overwhelming. Other guards on other, lesser night shifts patrolled the walls and courtyards. Crickets chirped far below in the palace commons, while a nighthawk called overhead.
He took in Canterlot, seeing ponies buzzing about the streets. They milled about on sidewalks, pulled and rode taxis, and sat drinking at outdoor dining tables.
“Radish Root, we must break the peace and quiet. Look at how the night has changed. Ponies now inhabit it as they do in the day.”
“It’s nightlife, your highness. It’s the weekend. Ponies enjoy going out at night these days. They go to bars, clubs, movies, and all kinds of other things.”
“Dost thou partake in this… ‘nightlife’?”
“Well, I don’t get out much. And it’s hard for me to be in public.”
“Why?”
“I’m always afraid somepony is going to see… you know.”
Luna looked at him with curiosity.
“My cutie marks.”
“We had not considered. Even to modern pony sensibilities, they are a disgrace?”
“Uh… well… yes.”
“That is regrettable. If those nightlife ponies knew thee as we do, they would have no compunctions about thy company.”
“Wow, thank you, Princess Luna,” Radish said, blushing.
He waved his hooves out at the world.
“I wish they all could know you better, too.”
“Then we are of the same mind. We have plans for a public coming out.”
“Really? Soon?”
“We will debut ourselves at the upcoming Grand Galloping Gala. There is much to accomplish before then. We have many powers to regain. Our body itself is still in a weakened form.”
“I’ll help you any way I can.”
“Of course. It is thy duty. Now, we return to the peace and quiet.”
Radish sat back in his chair, watching the world. Luna perched forward in hers, observing it.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat in the Guard breakroom reading a spy novel. He didn’t like where it was going. A dragon fire scroll popped into the air and landed on his table. He eyed it suspiciously. A guard at the next table, a wiry female earth pony named Maple Bar, looked at him.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s from Twilight Sparkle.”
“Yeah? So?”
“She just… writes about her life in Ponyville a lot. And I’m running out of things to write back to her.”
“Oh, sorry, is protecting the most important ponies in existence is too dull to write about?”
“You know most of what we do here is classified, right?”
“Isn’t Twilight Sparkle some kind of court official? She’s on hugging terms with Princess Celestia. She probably has the highest clearance.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve never seen that in writing.”
“Then just write about the stuff that isn’t classified.”
“What have you done in the last week you would write a friend about?”
“I did awesome at target practice. Oh, and I saw a weird squirrel today- it was black with a red tail.”
“That’s Chet. I’ve already written about him.”
“So what’s her ladyship writing about today? Just riff off that.”
Radish sighed and opened the scroll. He read through it.
“Well, Rarity- that’s the fashion one-”
“Uh huh.”
“She made dresses for the others for the Grand Galloping Gala…”
“That’s nice. Wait, for free?”
“But they all didn’t like them…”
“Geez, what a bunch of ungrateful-”
“So they got her to make new ones that turned out awful and they held a fashion show where some fashion bigwig came…”
“You get a story like this every week?”
“Pretty much.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Well, sometimes there’s action.”
“Oh, I know- just lie! Tell her the Royal Guard held a fashion show of our own! And I looked amazing in heels!”
“What was Chet doing?”
“He had a pecan. He was running off with it.”
Radish took a pen in his mouth and wrote.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle, Pecans are in season now in Canterlot, and the palace residents are excited about all the possible ways to enjoy them. Do you have a favorite nut? We should exchange recipes some time! Your Pen Pal, Radish Root. P.S.: Maple Bar says hi. ”
“‘Favorite nut’, huh? That’s a winner.”
Radish mailed off his letter and checked his pocket watch. The Night Shift would start soon. He donned his armor in the locker room and made his way across the parapets. The palace was now closing to tourists, and the last few stragglers were meandering toward the exits.
As he passed a group of four tourists, he heard one of them gasp.
“That’s him! Told you he comes this way!”
Radish kept walking.
“Hey! You!”
Radish stopped and turned to them.
“Pardon? Are you addressing me?”
“You’re the pervy mark guy, aren’t you?” one asked.
There were dozens of regulations regarding interactions with tourists. One of Radish’s favorite was that, outside of an emergency, he didn’t have to allow tourists to delay him on his way to a post.
“I’m sorry. I’m due for a shift. If you’ll excuse me.”
One of them jumped in front of his way.
“Yeah, it is you! The guy whose cutie marks are porn of Celestia!”
“I’m sorry. I’m due for a shift. If you’ll excuse me .”
“Show them!”
Radish moved to walk around him, but the others surrounded him.
“Come on. Let’s see them!”
“Get out of my way.”
“Or what?”
“I said, move aside from the Royal Guard! ”
“Not until you show us your cutie marks,” the one behind him said, holding up his camera.
Radish took his spear from his back and extended it to its full length. He slammed the butt of it into the bricks at his feet, cracking one.
“And what do you think you’re going to do with that?” the one to his left scoffed.
Radish narrowed his eyes. He couldn’t do anything with it.
Technically, he was authorized to escalate to physical force with tourists should the need arise. During training, Shining Armor had made a point of saying that need would never arise. Radish didn’t want to be the one to prove Shining Armor wrong. Radish went over his options in his mind.
Then, he heard the loudest thing he had ever heard in his life.
“INSOLENT PEASANTS! WAYLAY NOT A ROYAL GUARDSTALLION UPON HIS COURSE TO HIS PRINCESS! BEGONE!”
It was Luna. It wasn’t so much she was screaming, but as though her voice had been boosted to a higher level of existence. The sound was coming from everywhere, echoing off the palace walls and scattering birds from the trees. The grass of the commons was flattened by the sheer force of it.
The tourists yelped and fled. One of them dropped his camera behind him. Radish picked it up. He looked at the top of Selenic Spire, but saw nopony. His ears were ringing.
Radish entered Luna's tower. The duty officer waved Radish over with a terrified expression on his face.
“What was that about!?” he yelled. “She’s not answering us!”
Radish could only stammer.
“You better get up there!” another guard from down the hall called. “You’re the only thing in this palace that calms her!”
Radish made his way to the spiral staircase. A pegasus guard landed before him.
“Come on, no time to lose. I’m taking you the fast way up!” she said.
She grabbed Radish by the armor and flew him up the well of the staircase, depositing him on the landing outside Luna’s hall. Radish watched her fly away, not quite believing what just happened.
He entered Luna’s hall. Her door flung open.
“Guardstallion. To us.”
Radish entered her bedroom. She furrowed her brows at him.
“We observed thee upon thy approach. Those… tourists were most ill-mannered. We commend thee for not drawing blood. Mercy is a quality not easily found in a guardstallion.”
“Thank you, your highness.”
“Thanks are not needed.”
“But…”
“But?”
“A guard should protect his princess, not the other way around.”
Luna smiled.
Radish took a step back and inhaled sharply. He had never seen her smile before. The sight hit him like a gust of warm air.
“‘Tis true, Radish Root. However, a princess must correct a peasant when she sees them in need of correction. This is for their benefit.”
“I understand. Was that a… voice spell?”
“Ah! ‘Twas our proper royal voice! ‘Tis meant for addressing crowds of commoners. We’ve not needed to do so until now. Did it sound… good?”
“It was amazing.”
“Excellent. What is that?”
He realized he was still holding the tourist’s camera.
“Oh! A camera. One of them dropped it. I should give it to Lost and Found.”
“Nay, we will have it. ‘Tis their penalty.”
“Oh. Okay.”
He gave the camera to Luna. She turned it over in her hooves.
“Celestia has informed us of these. Wilt thou show us how it works?”
“Sure!”
He walked up to her side.
“You point it at what you want to take a picture of, adjust the focus, look through the viewfinder, then push this button here.”
She snapped a photo of the bottom of her dresser. She looked at Radish expectantly.
“Then?”
“See this number? That’s how many pictures are left on the roll of film. Once you use up the roll, you drop it off with a developer. They give you your photos in an hour.”
“We see. Come. Let us ‘use up the roll’. Stand at attention.”
“Okay.”
She snapped several photos of Radish at odd angles.
“Now, us, as well,” she said, shoving the camera in Radish’s chest.
“Oh… okay…”
Radish felt weird about taking photos of a princess in her bedroom. Yet, orders were orders. She stared into the lens and he took a photo.
“How about some more… interesting poses?” he asked, immediately regretting phrasing it like that.
“Yes,” she said. “Try this.”
She stood on her balcony, then reared up on her hind legs. Radish took a few of her like that. She sat at her tea table, striking a coquettish pose while holding an empty teacup. Radish took more. She put on an artist’s smock and pretended to paint at her easel. Radish snapped a few more.
“These should look great,” Radish said.
Luna trotted up to him and looked at the camera again.
“What is this switch here?”
“A timer. So you can set it down, then go stand in front of it. The camera then takes a picture ten seconds later.”
“Then, the two of us may be in a picture concurrently?”
“Yes…”
“Activate this timer, Radish Root. We wish to have one of thee at our side.”
“Really? Okay.”
He placed the camera on a shelf, hit the timer, then stood by her.
“Look fierce! Thou be a guardstallion defending thy princess!”
Radish extended his spear and brandished it at the camera, striking a fearsome expression. Luna stood tall and serene behind him. The camera clicked.
“Thou wilt ‘develop’ these for us?”
“Yes! I can’t wait.”
“Excellent.”
Radish waited in front of the counter of the palace’s photo department. The developer came from the back room with a stack of photographs in his aura.
“Lieutenant, I may need to have these evaluated for security risks. And propriety. They're photos of a princess… in her bedroom.”
“Did you not hear her yesterday?”
“The whole palace heard her yesterday.”
“So, you want to make her that mad again?”
The developer made a squeak and gave Radish the photos. He flipped through them, then held up the picture of himself defending Luna.
“And we’ll need two of these.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“Mail call,” called the palace mail clerk, walking past Radish’s bunkroom. “Root?”
“I’m Root!”
The clerk tossed him a letter, then continued distributing mail to the rest of Radish’s bunkmates. Radish turned it over in his hooves. It took him a moment to realize why the postmark seemed so foreign. It was foreign, or it was at least from a sovereign tribal nation within Greater Equestria’s borders. The letter was from Sky. Radish opened it and read.
Dear Radish,
It’s been a while since I’ve written in Ponish. How’s my grammar? Send back critiques. The tribe is fine. The new ranger in these parts is nice, if a little antsy. Hoopla likes her.
The dragon is sleeping soundly. We’re helping plants and animals get resettled by the lakes. The swimming is nice. We miss you.
The excavation is taking longer than we thought. Radish, we think the Storm Centurions turned on each other. Their injuries weren’t done by any bandits. Sunbonnet was run through with a centurion short spear. Thorn Bramble’s skull was punctured in the back of the neck by a bucking dagger. Willow Wagoner may have lured the rest of her squad into the cave as some kind of ambush. Maybe that’s why ol’ Worthy was so keen to get her dug first. We’re still figuring it out, but there might be a lot of prominent ponies upset with you once the real history gets published. Heads up.
I’m sorry things didn’t turn out how you wanted with Miss Skinny. If you want to blame me for encouraging you, I understand. I was picturing you with some grand destiny, and couldn’t stand the thought of you never trying for it on my account. But you sound like you’re doing well, and maybe a grand destiny is still in the works for you.
Sincerely,
Skies Above
Radish lay back in his bunk and sighed.
“Bad news?” a bunkmate asked. “From a girl?”
“Yes and yes.”
“Sorry. It happens a lot. Guarding is murder on relationships. But hey, there’s a support group here for guards who get dumped by post.”
“She didn’t dump me. She’s uh, warning me about a scandal.”
“Oh, geez, Root! Yours?”
“I’ll get blamed, yeah. And a really rich and powerful family could come down on me for it.”
“Yikes. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but you need to take responsibility.”
“I know. I’ll do what I have to. For her.”
“She must be pretty special. How’d a guy like you meet a girl like that?”
“Oh, my last posting was next to her tribe’s land.”
“Tribe?”
“Yeah. Black Bluffs buffalo.”
“A buffalo girl? I heard that wasn’t biologically possible. You’re either the luckiest guy on earth, or the unluckiest. Do you know what it’ll look like?”
“Hmm?”
Radish noticed the clock on the wall. He checked his calendar of sunset times.
“Oh, back to The Night Shift,” Radish said.
“Stay safe up there. I swear I won’t tell anypony about your problem.”
“Thanks.”
Luna paced her bedroom floor in front of Radish. She was wearing an antique steel helmet.
"Lieutenant, now is the time for a serious matter- the practice of battle magic! To be a princess worthy of this kingdom, we must be prepared to defend it, should the need arise. Thus, thou will assist us practice attack spells.”
“What do you need me to do?”
“Hold the target.”
“The… target?”
Luna placed a round silver platter at his feet. She had painted a bullseye on it.
“Yes. We will fire a standard beam spell. Thou wilt move the target and attempt to baffle our aim.”
“What happens if…”
Luna raised an eyebrow.
“Uh, never mind.”
He picked up the tray and held it above his head. Luna took a few paces back, and fired a dark red beam from her horn. It hit her ceiling. Radish flinched.
“Ah. It would seem we need… calibration.”
Two guards from the interior of the tower burst into the room, brandishing spears.
“Princess! Are you all right?” one asked.
“Ah, be at peace, guardmares. We are merely training,” Luna replied. “Though, we applaud thy response time.”
The guards looked at Luna, then at Radish, who was still holding the target tray above his head.
“Very well, ma’am. I’ll, uh, inform the rest of the tower guards that you’re… holding drills.”
“Good. Dismissed.”
The guards left. Luna concentrated. She fired off several more beams, each one hitting a wildly different spot than the one before, blasting holes into the floor, walls, ceiling, and furniture. She hit a vase, shattering it.
Radish cringed at the last one. He had seen movies in which old vases were said to be worth a fortune. Luna noted his reaction.
“Worry not. That vase was a birthday gift from Celestia. She gave it to us a few years ago, and it was clearly homemade.”
“A few years ago?” Radish asked, before realizing he shouldn’t have.
“Yes, ‘twas… oh. We see. ‘Twas really a thousand and a few years ago, was it not? Sometimes the long passage of time… escapes us.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
“For what? Reminding us of our millennium of incarceration? Of how we are woefully out-of-step with the modern era? Of how the world continued on without us, forgetting our very existence!? Guardstallion Root, is that what thou be sorry for!?”
“Yes! All those!”
“Dost thou think we wish to be coddled!? To have our feelings guarded as though we were a teary-eyed foal!?”
“I don’t know! Yes?”
“NO!”
Luna reeled back and thrust her horn at Radish, blasting a wide beam at the target platter. He yelped and threw it above him, ducking for cover. The beam burned the air above Radish’s head. The platter landed in front of his face, now reduced to a hoop with a large smoking hole through its center.
Luna walked up to him and gazed at it.
“Radish Root! Look at this! We have disintegrated this tray, though it be made of starsilver! Celestia herself could only dent such an alloy!”
“Congratulations, ma’am.”
“Of course! Our magic’s strength relies on emotion. Thy dithering vexed us so much, we were empowered to achieve this feat! After feeling so little for so long, we had forgotten the taste of a feeling felt deep and true.”
“That’s… good?”
“Gather those plates, guardstallion,” Luna said, pointing to a stack of dishes on a shelf, “and come to the balcony.”
Radish obeyed.
“Now, thou hast the dual task of tossing a plate over the side, and enraging us to fuel our power.”
“You want me to… make you angry?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Okay…” Radish sighed, resigning himself to fate.
Luna gazed at the sky above the palace.
“Now, do it!”
Radish threw a plate, shouting, “I heard a tourist call you creepy!”
Luna blasted the plate to shards, then turned to Radish with a fearsome look on her face.
“Another!” she said through clenched teeth.
Radish took a plate.
“Your bedroom smells like my parents’ barn!” he shouted. He threw the plate, and it was blown into dust immediately after leaving his hoof. Luna’s hooves were shaking and digging into the stonework of her balcony.
“Another ,” she seethed.
Radish took a breath, shouted, “Celestia has nicer legs than you!”, then threw three plates in the air. He ducked.
“WHAT!?”
Luna fired off a beam so wide, it disintegrated every plate. She turned to Radish, baring her teeth.
“GUARDSTALLION, YOU GO TOO FAR! WE WANT THEE OUT OF OUT OF OUR SIGHT, OUT OF OUR TOWER, AND OUT OF EQUESTRIA!”
“But I…”
“BUT NOTHING! GO! THOU ART EXILED FROM THIS LAND!”
Radish picked himself off the floor. He stumbled away from her, trying to process what was happening to him. As he reached the door, Luna gasped. He turned. She was staring out at the palace in disbelief.
The beam she had fired at the plates had struck clear across the palace grounds, and blasted a hole through a tower along the east side. The damaged sections of wall collapsed, sending billows of dust out across the commons, while debris rained down on the parapets and walkways below. The rooms inside were on fire, and thick black smoke was pouring out of the windows.
Radish’s heart twisted. He looked at the door in front of him.
“Guardstallion… wait,” said Luna desperately.
Radish looked at her. There were tears in her eyes.
“We… we… didn’t mean to. ‘Twas an accident. Thou must be our witness. Please. Do not go. Do not leave us alone.”
Radish went to her side. He sat on the balcony tiles, staring at the destruction.
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “I’ll take the blame.”
He didn’t know why he said that. He didn’t know how he could even sell that idea. He just knew that Luna shouldn’t be blamed for this.
“No. We cannot ask that of thee,” she said.
“I’m already banished, right? They can’t do much worse to me.”
“Guardstallion… ‘tis not right.”
“Guards protect princesses,” Radish said. “It’s in our oath.”
Suddenly, a loud snap went off in the air, and a glowing pink bubble appeared surrounding the palace. Radish stared at it in awe.
“Is that… Shining Armor’s shield spell?”
Radish had only heard it described before, and he assumed its size and power was exaggerated. He now saw it was no exaggeration.
“Luna! Are you all right!?” called out a voice from above.
Princess Celestia dropped down onto the balcony.
“The palace is under attack!” she cried. “I want both of you to… to…”
She saw the expressions on their faces. She turned toward the smoking tower, and a realization about trajectories dawned on her.
“What the hay did you two do!?”
“It was my fault!” yelled Radish.
“Oh, really? How?” she demanded.
“I, uh, well…”
“Nay! Please, blame him not!” cried Luna, stepping in front of Radish. “He was only obeying his princess! I have wrought this calamity, and I will suffer the punishment!”
“You’re damn right you will! You are going to clean up that mess, every brick of it! And the rebuilding cost is coming out of your coffers, not the palace’s!”
“Cost? But sister, the loss of lives? I am a villain once more,” Luna said, ruefully.
Celestia turned to Radish.
“You didn’t tell her?”
“Tell her?” asked Radish.
“Luna,” sighed Celestia, “that was the legal department you just blew up.”
“I… killed all the lawyers?”
“Lawyers don’t work at night, Luna," said Celestia. "Most days it’s hard to get them to work past four.”
“But no guards were in there? Cleaning staff?” asked Radish. “There’s even a rumor the Royal Spymaster works out of that building.”
“There is no Royal Spymaster, Radish!” Celestia chuffed. “And no, Legal doesn’t like anypony in there after hours. You’d know that if you ever guarded more than this room .”
“I…”
“Speak not ill of his posting!” cried Luna. “He does his duty, and does it well! Look at what he has made possible!” Luna said, pointing to the flaming tower.
Celestia looked at Radish, coldly. Luna realized what she just said.
“That is to say… not that. Er, this! Behold!” Luna said, holding up the ruined platter.
“That was an antique! What did you do to it?” yelled Celestia.
“No, not that! It was… er…” said Luna, looking at the smashed vase. Celestia saw it.
“I made that for you! What… what…”
Celestia looked again at Luna’s and Radish’s faces again. Her own expression softened. She snickered, then started to crack up. She dipped her head low, the threw it back and laughed heartily.
“Princesses?” called out a new voice.
A pegasus chariot landed on the balcony with Shining Armor and two high-ranking guards. He looked at Celestia, Luna, and Radish.
“We’ve got the fire control teams on the scene. The palace is under lockdown, and we’re combing the grounds for clues… Ma’am? What’s going on?”
“Oh, Shining. Good work,” Celestia said, wiping her eyes. “Excellent response time on this drill.”
“Drill, ma’am? I didn’t know there’d be a drill tonight.”
“Well, I couldn’t very well let you prepare for a preparedness exercise, now could I?”
He raised an eyebrow. He looked at Radish, who could only shrug.
“So Legal was demolished… as a test?”
“Oh, right. Let me get that,” Celestia said.
She pointed her horn at the burning tower. A ball of gold light shot out and engulfed the building. The fire control teams backed away.
The tower’s glow subsided, and then the tower was restored. Radish’s jaw dropped. Luna stood in awe. Shining Armor just stared.
“There. All better now. Drill over. Well done, everypony,” said Celestia, cheerfully.
She flew away. Shining Armor turned to Luna and Radish.
“And you two are all right?”
“Yes, guard captain,” Luna said. “We commend thee for thy expeditiousness.”
“Yes, sir,” said Radish.
He left with his guards, eyeing Radish suspiciously.
Radish’s and Luna’s eyes met.
“I…”
“Guardstallion, we thank thee for falling on thy sword for us. ‘Twas unexpected, noble… and appreciated.”
“You’re welcome.”
“We let our temper get the better of us. It was unbecoming of a princess.”
“It’s okay.”
“Thou will keep thy silence?”
“Can I stay in Equestria?”
“What? Oh, but of course. We did not really want thee cast out, we were merely surprised by thy… comparison.”
Luna looked down at her legs. She turned one to see it from the side.
“Please, refrain from such comparisons, again.”
“Yes, your highness.”
“It would seem we are clearly ready to defend Equestria.”
“I feel safer already, ma’am.”
“Good.”
“Princess, did you know Celestia could do a spell like that?”
“Nay. Oft times, she is a mystery, even to us. As are the workings of the legal department.”
“Do you still want to practice battle magic?”
“Perhaps such things should be taken a bit more… delicately.”
“I understand.”
Another crack split the air. They looked up at Shining Armor’s shield. It was dissipating from the top to the bottom.
“We would, however, like to practice shield spells,” she said.
She looked at Radish.
“Guardstallion, take thy spear and have at us.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat in front of Barrel Roller’s desk. She glared at him.
“Root, you ever get candy from the gift shop?”
Oh no, she’s starting with a metaphor.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I like the nougat bars. But a lot of ponies like the nougat bars, so they’re always out of nougat bars. I’ll never get to have a nougat bar. And I’ve come to terms with never getting to have… a nougat bar .”
Radish kept silent.
“But some ponies might say, ‘Why not just get the closest thing to a nougat bar? There’s a cookies and cream bar, and they’re the same price, even.’”
“Ma’am?”
“It may seem nice. There’s probably something really charming about it. Mysterious. Dangerous. Taboo, even. But the cookies and cream bar is just as off-limits as the nougat bar, Root, even if it tells you otherwise.”
“Please, ma’am. I’m lost.”
“Princess Luna has the right to put her guards where she wants, when she wants. If she wants the same pony to guard the same door for weeks on end, so be it. But you don’t just guard her door, do you, Root?”
“No, ma’am. Princess Luna likes to interact most nights.”
“Interact , huh? At night. In her bedroom."
“MA’AM!”
“Root, it’s reached the point where I have to ask for the record, just so I’m not implicated. Is there anything improper happening between you and Princess Luna?”
“No, ma’am!”
“What do you do in there all night?”
“I… lots of stuff. I help her rearrange her furniture. We listen to operas, and she critiques them. We play board games. I watch her paint. We have our own book club. I listen to her rant about Celestia. And lately, I’ve been helping her practice telekinesis.”
“Are you qualified to help somepony practice telekinesis?”
“Well, I’m mostly there as the weight.”
“She practices by lifting you?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Does it feel good, Root, having her aura all over you?”
“Ma’am, I do what I’m ordered to do. My interactions with Princess Luna have been completely professional. And she’s not a substitute for nougat! I have no desire for nougat anymore!”
Radish regretted saying that last part loudly. He regretted saying it at all. Barrel Roller stared at him, then wrote something down on a form in front of her.
“Go start your shift, Root.”
Radish approached his position in Luna’s hallway. Before reaching it, Luna opened her door.
“Guardstallion Root. Come.”
Radish entered Princess Luna’s room. It smelled of lavender incense now. Luna was arranging something on a wooden cutting board.
“Ma’am?”
She held out the board in front of him.
“Behold. Parsnips.”
He looked down. There were indeed several long parsnips.
“Ah, yes?”
“They are ours.”
“They… oh! You mean you’ve regained your earth pony ability to grow plants. That’s great!”
“Indeed. You have farmed, have you not?”
“My family grows beets. Red and golden.”
“Beets! ‘Tis a most challenging crop. Thy family must be skilled, indeed.”
“Thanks.”
"We need thy seasoned appraisal. Evaluate these.”
Radish took one. He turned it over in his hooves, inspecting its color.
"It looks great."
He thumped it on the back of his hoof.
"It sounds great."
He sniffed it.
"It smells great."
He crunched into it.
"It tastes delicious.”
“Truly? We require thy honesty more than thy obeisance.”
“I mean it. These would win a blue ribbon.”
“We are pleased,” she said, putting the rest away. “Now, there is another reason we require thee tonight. Our pegasus flight power is also returning to its former strength.”
“That’s fantastic.”
“Yes. Behold.”
She jumped into the air and fluttered her wings. She hovered over the floor for a few seconds, then dropped back down. Radish stomped his hooves in applause.
“Thank you. But this room is too small for full flight practice. We require more space. You will watch us jump off this tower, and judge our form.”
“You’re going to what?”
She walked over to her balcony.
“Ma’am!”
She jumped off.
“Princess Luna!”
Radish ran to the railing and looked down. He didn’t see her anywhere. He frantically scanned the skies, seeing nothing but darkness.
“LUNA! PRINCESS LUNA!”
He hung his head.
“I lost her. I lost her!” he said, stunned.
He turned around. Luna was right behind him. He yelped and flailed backwards, tripping over the railing and plunging off the balcony.
He screamed on the way down. Luna caught him at the halfway point. He screamed all the way back up. She deposited him on the balcony floor, cradling himself and whimpering.
“Guardstallion Root. How feel you?”
“F…fine… th…thank you,” he said through chattering teeth.
She kneeled down to his side.
“Nay, we thank thee. We did not think ourselves strong enough to catch and carry a fully-grown and armored pony on our back. Was this a challenge thou devised for us?”
He looked at her. He stopped shivering.
“Yes?”
“‘Twas most brave. Foolhardy, but we admire a guardstallion who leaps headlong into danger for his princess.”
“Thanks.”
“Now, how do you judge my form?”
“It’s fantastic.”
“Excellent. You serve me well, guardstallion. Thy appointment to this palace was not folly, after all.”
“Thank you. Wait, who said it was folly?”
“Thy commander, Barrel Roller.”
“Oh.”
“But we will correct her.”
“Oh?”
Radish sat up. He trotted over to the rail again, and looked down at the palace.
“Do you see that lit window down there? That’s her office. Looks like she’s still working.”
“You wish this correction now?”
“No, better idea. Pegasi in flight training like to do this thing called ‘buzzing the tower’. It’s when you fly so quickly and closely past the trainer, you terrify them.”
“And you wish to see Barrel Roller terrified thusly?”
“Think you could do it with me on your back? I’d love to see the look on her face. And she’s not going to bust a guard helping a princess train.”
“Ah, we see. Courtly intrigue. Betrayal and revenge. Backstabbing and spite. Deceptions and manipulations. We never participated in such dealings in our day. We found them beneath us. Now you would have us wreak your revenge?”
“I… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be asking you to do that.”
“We did not say we would not. We found Barrel Roller brusque and dismissive. This measured retribution you have devised is appropriate.”
She kneeled down.
“On our back, lieutenant. We shall buzz her tower.”
Barrel Roller sighed, staring down at the training schedule. She hated this nitty-gritty work. Too many moving parts in this system. Too many systems in the system, too.
She heard a whoosh of air blow past her window, powerful enough to shake its panes.
That’s odd. No gales scheduled for tonight. Was that a large bird of prey? They know they’re not allowed here.
She poked her head out her window and looked around. Her eyes grew wide as a missile of blue and yellow streaked out of the darkness and blasted past her. She flailed her hooves and wings while crying out. She allowed herself to fall out the window, then took a hovering position. She scanned the air around her. Then, her mind finished processing what she saw blow past her.
“Root .”
She reentered her office, then dug up her file on Princess Luna. In it, Princess Celestia had outlined a recovery regimen for Luna, giving a long timetable for each power she expected her sister to regain. She drew a hoof down the paper, and found the schedule for Luna’s flying ability.
If that was Luna and Root, she’s a month ahead of schedule for a maneuver like that.
She leaned back in her chair and smiled.
“Root. Heh. Who would've thought?"
The Only Mark That Matters
“So, Root. How are the tunnels looking?” Barrel Roller asked. Her desk looked a little bit tidier now.
“I believe I’ve cleaned twelve percent of them by now. But I’m getting faster at it.”
“Yeah, I think that’s enough.”
“Really, ma’am?”
“I firmly believe that cleaning punishments should be done someplace ponies will actually see. The next time you screw up, I’ll have you washing the tower windows. From the outside. But scraping dirt in the dank, filthy tunnels for months is probably a health hazard. I think it’s safe to say you’ve learned your lesson without developing black lung.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I did learn my lesson. And I promise there won’t be a next time.”
Barrel Roller snorted.
“Enjoy your day off, Root.”
“So, Root. Where you headed on this fine day?” Maple Bar asked Radish as he trotted through the back halls with packed day bags.
“Actually, I’m going to check out Ponyville. Twilight’s letters make it sound nice. And I haven’t seen her since she moved there. And I’ve never met those friends of hers.”
“Think you’ll get along with those five? They seem… you know.”
“We’ll see.”
“Maybe you’ll get a free dress out of it.”
Radish trotted through the streets of Ponyville, taking in the town. It was quaint- the streets were unpaved, most ponies had a friendly smile, and the air smelled of flowers. The architecture was of an older pastoral style, with most homes having thatched roofs and a split door. There seemed to be a large number of circus-style tents looming in the outskirts in all directions.
He followed signs to the library. Twilight's letters hadn't mentioned it was a tree. He tried the door, but it was locked. He knocked, and there was no response.
“Twilight? It’s Radish.”
“She’s not home,” said a girlish voice behind him.
He turned and saw a light green unicorn.
“She and her friends went to Cloudsdale.”
“Cloudsdale? How?”
The unicorn shrugged.
“Magic, I guess. Did you need a library book?”
“No, just visiting Twilight.”
“Did she not know you were coming?”
“I didn’t know I’d have today off.”
“Sorry.”
“Thanks, anyway.”
She nodded and walked away. A new idea struck Radish.
“Miss?” he called after her. “Which way is Zecora’s?”
Radish stood before the trailhead into the Everfree Forest. Twilight’s letters had spoken of the forest in foreboding tones since her first sojourn into it. Radish had heard of lands that existed outside of pony care, and he even experienced a taste of it himself in his Ranger days. While the buffalo assisted Southern Plains flora and fauna like earth ponies, none could fly, and allied birds could only modify clouds so much. The buffalo skies were influenced mainly by the unpredictable accumulative effects of Central Equestrian pegasi. It was said that when one flapped its wings near Canterlot, the result was unintentional storms over the plains.
The Everfree Forest, however, wasn’t like normal unattended wilderness. It was a deliberate force on its own. There were ancient and malevolent influences within, which both attracted and produced monsters that weren’t found anywhere else in the world. This wasn’t so much a place that ponies didn’t care for, but one they could never hope to control.
Luckily, the path to Zecora’s hut was easy to follow. Radish walked up to her front door and knocked. She opened, clearly not expecting to see a pony in an official Royal Guard T-shirt.
“Good morning. Miss Zecora, I presume?”
“That is I, royal guard. I hope the road was not too hard.”
“No, miss. I’m a friend of Twilight Sparkle. Lieutenant Radish Root.”
“She has mentioned a Radish Root! She did not say he was so… cute.”
They traded smiles, and she showed him inside. Her home was full of the tools of the potionmaking trade, as well as hundreds of ingredient containers, and assorted curios from lands beyond Equestria. Radish could spend days trying to understand everything he saw on the shelves, tables, and walls. She placed steaming mugs of tea on a table and motioned him to sit with her.
“Thank you. I wanted to consult with you regarding a magical flower Twilight mentioned in one of her letters. Poison joke.”
“That was quite a funny tale. And it helped rebalance the scale. Pony folk no longer hide whenever I go far and wide.”
“It seems like poison joke’s power is almost limitless. It took the Elements’ strongest pony and made her tiny. It took their best flyer and made her crash-prone. It made Twilight’s horn useless. I’ve got to know, can it be weaponized?”
Zecora frowned. “To a dark place this road leads, coating swords with poison weeds.”
“But it’s non-lethal and reversible. It’d be the perfect weapon for defending a palace.”
“Then, by the order of the crown, is the reason you came down?”
“No, it’s my day off. My superiors don’t know I’m here. Twilight doesn’t know I’m here- she’s apparently in Cloudsdale today, somehow. But I’m always looking for potential ways to make the palace safer. The royal potionista hasn’t even heard of poison joke.”
“The palace had stood for so very long, yet you think it is defended wrong?”
“The whole architecture of the place makes me nervous. Big rooms, long hallways- it’s just like being on the plains, where there’s no cover for miles around. The palace was built with unicorn defense in mind- standing a distance away from enemies and blasting at them with spells. We earth ponies have to rely on long-range weapons and group tactics to defend effectively. But if an attacker ran into poison joke booby traps, they could be rendered helpless- tangled up in their own hair, or tripping over their own feet, for example.”
“Think of the name as it is spoke. Not ‘poison trap’, but ‘poison joke’.”
Radish thought on this, sipping his tea.
“I see. You’re saying the plant selectively chooses its targets and effects based on how comedic the result would be. Any dramatic situation in which lives are on the line, like a battle or an infiltration, wouldn’t be funny enough to trigger it. It would be too soon.”
“I am glad you understand. I could not rhyme that on demand.”
“Thank you for your time, and for sharing your knowledge. If you’d like, I could put you in touch with the royal potionista. She’s always looking to correspond with other potion researchers. You might even get paid for your expertise.”
“Into my life you stroll, and put me on royal payroll? If this is what a pen pal’s for, I hope Twilight gets many more!”
They shared a laugh. Radish finished his tea and stood up. He bowed to her.
“Have a nice day.”
“Going now? You would disembark, and not ask about your cutie mark?”
“You know?”
“I do so love arcane lore. Your issue was like none before. The gossip mill was most enthused, when your cutie marks made the news.”
“Is there data you have collected, to help a pony so affected?”
“None, I fear, that may shed some light. But you seem to have done all right.”
“I long for her when we’re apart, but when she’s close it pains my heart. I just wish I could forget her, before I become old and bitter.”
“That has an easy solution: you should really get a girlfriend.”
“That’s a bit of slant rhyme, miss.”
“Twilight said you had some wit. I’m glad I could see half of it.”
“Ow. Well, thank you. I'll think on your advice.”
He went to the door, then stopped himself. He looked back at Zecora, cleared his throat, and stood up straight.
“Are... are you seeing anyone?”
Zecora's eyes went wide and her ears pricked up. She smiled sympathetically.
“Would you think I was a jerk, if I said I was married to my work?”
“No. That’s basically what Celestia told me, a long time ago.”
“Don’t let that discourage you. There are other fish in the ocean blue.”
“Thanks.”
He said his goodbyes, then left her hut and started down the path back to Ponyville. A loud boom cracked the air, scattering birds from the trees around him. He looked up, seeing only a cloudless day. Then, an expanding wave of rainbow streaked across the sky. Radish quickly ascertained that it came from the direction of Cloudsdale.
Zecora stuck her head out of her window.
“Rainbow Dash?” Radish asked her. She nodded.
“A sonic rainboom- what an achievement! But we will never hear the end of it.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish entered Luna's hallway to see a maid pushing a coffee cart out of the bedroom.
"Hello, lieutenant!"
"Hello, Miss Mornings. How's the family?"
"They're all really curious about Princess Luna. I wish I could tell them more about her."
"Yeah."
"Hey," she said, leaning in close to him, "is it just my imagination, or has she been getting taller by the day?"
"No, she definitely has."
Luna's door flung open. "Lieutenant! We require thee! Come!"
"Aye, ma'am."
"Careful," whispered Miss Mornings, "she's had five shots of espresso."
"Thanks for the warning."
Radish met Luna in her room. She gazed at him excitedly.
"There is important business tonight! It is time we-”
Luna was interrupted by the bursting of a scroll into existence between her and Radish. It plopped to the floor of her bedroom and rolled toward Radish.
“Guardstallion Root, what is the meaning of this?”
“Sorry, ma’am. Twilight Sparkle sends me mail magically using Spike’s dragon fire.”
“At all hours of the night? Whilst thou be on duty with thy princess?”
“Ma’am… the tag says it’s urgent.”
“And?”
“And… may I… read it?”
Luna looked at him coldly.
“She could be in trouble,” Radish said.
“Then she would alert somepony in a position to help, not a guardstallion standing watch over his princess.”
“I suppose…”
“Read it, then, if it is so urgent. Tell us what is so important that it must interrupt thy duties.”
Radish sighed and opened the scroll. He read over it, and gasped in horror.
“What is it?” Luna asked.
“Ma’am… Twilight and her friends are in Appleloosa.”
“Where?”
“A brand new settlement out west. But the town is in a territorial dispute with a local buffalo tribe. Ma’am… there could be a war by noon tomorrow.”
“That is most troubling. But why tell thee?”
“She knows I’ve worked with buffalo tribes down south. Twilight’s asking for advice about brokering peace with them.”
“That is no task for a mere lieutenant, lieutenant. Peace treaties be the domain of royalty. Thou must let thy princess handle this.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.”
Luna took a scroll and a quill, and began writing at her desk. Radish watched nervously. She ended by signing her signature and furling the scroll, looping a ribbon around it and sealing it.
“Now, how does one send this back?”
“I… actually don’t know. I think it’s a spell Celestia does. It comes out of Spike’s mouth somehow. I always respond to Twilight through conventional post.”
“Oh? You wish to trot into our sister’s bedroom, wake her up, and demand she send this?”
Radish certainly did not want to do that, as he still didn’t know what “this” was.
“Uh… no…”
“Radish Root, there is a better way. We shall make our will known using the very ability we were going to practice tonight. In ages past, 'twas our duty to visit the dreams of ponies and see them through their nightmares.”
“I never knew you could do that.”
“‘Twas our most precious contribution to the world. Ponykind has been bereft of this service for far too long. We are now strong enough to travel the dream realm once more. We will seek out these ponies in Appleloosa and deliver our counsel to them in their sleep.”
“All right. If you think this is best…”
“‘Tis. Come.”
Luna trotted over to her bed. She pulled back the covers.
“Into our bed, lieutenant.”
Radish just stared.
“Why dost thou hesitate? Is our bed not to your liking? ‘Twas built by the finest craftspony of the day! Doth thou prefer to explore the dream realm lying on the floor?”
“Yes! No! Uh, okay.”
Radish undid his armor while Luna stared at him. He looked at her bed. It was built with a headboard that curved over the occupant, giving the appearance of a large crescent moon. He touched the bedspread.
“Quicker,” ordered Luna.
Radish climbed in under the covers. He stared wide-eyed at Luna. She stared back at him. He never felt less like sleeping in his life.
“Now, you sleep. We will guide thee to the realm of dreams.”
“Ma’am, I don’t know how to just go to sleep.”
She leaned over to him. She put her muzzle extremely close.
“There are too many thoughts flitting about inside thy head. Be peaceful. Be calm!”
“I… okay.”
He closed his eyes and cleared his mind. He could feel her beside him. Then, he felt her presence vanish.
He opened his eyes. He was standing in an endless dark void.
“Princess Luna?”
“Here.”
Luna stepped out the darkness. Her form was vague and shimmery, like a rippled reflection of herself in a pond.
“Radish Root. Thou hast improved thy barding. We approve.”
Radish looked at himself. He was back in armor, but it was different. The armor was black with purple highlights, polished to a mirror sheen, and decorated with a blue crescent moon medallion instead of the normal star.
“I don’t understand.”
“Come. We go now to avert this crisis.”
“How do we start?”
“Behold. Dreaming minds.”
She waved to the empty air in front of them, and a thousand bubbles swooped past them. Each one contained a different scene playing out. Some featured ponies going about mundane activities, others contained fantastic action and adventures. Many depicted sex.
"Each of these is someone's dream?" asked Radish.
"Yes."
“So we just find a dream from someone in Appleloosa, get into their head, and tell them what to do?”
“Yes. We are searching for the best lead. Ah here!”
A glowing sphere settled in front them. Radish could only make out a swirl of sharply-contrasting colors from within.
“Whose dream is this?”
“The one named Pinkie Pie.”
“Really? I don’t think we should go in there.”
“Why not?”
“I get the impression her head is rather… chaotic.”
“You fear the mind of a sweets baker? Radish Root, we will not have so cowardly a guard in our service.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s go in.”
Twilight Sparkle paced worriedly across the floorboards of her Appleloosan hotel room as Spike and her friends watched. Twilight turned to Spike.
“Anything?”
“No, Twilight! If Radish were sending you a letter, you’d know!”
“Are you sure you’re not… stopped up?”
Rainbow Dash snickered.
“No, I’m not stopped up! Radish probably missed your letter because he’s sleeping!”
“No, he’s on the Night Shift guarding Princess Luna! That means he would have gotten it, and he would’ve had Princess Luna send back his response!”
“Are you sure Princess Luna knows how to send back a letter through me?”
“Of course! I mean… why wouldn’t she?”
“Twilight!”
“Well, I’m sure they’ll figure it out if it means stopping a war!”
She looked at Pinkie Pie, who was in bed, snoozing on her back with her legs in the air.
“Pinkie Pie! How can you sleep at a time like this?”
“Aw, let her sleep, Twilight,” said Applejack. “We ain’t a-gonna be any help to anyone if we’re bushed.”
“We haven’t been any help at all! This is a disaster! Ponies and buffalo are going to get hurt, and history books are going to put all the blame on me!”
“Uh, why?” asked Spike.
“Because… I don’t know! I represent Princess Celestia and the Elements of Harmony! I should have thought of something that made everything all right!”
“It’s okay, Twilight,” Spike said encouragingly. “This is your first war! I’m sure you’ll have everything figured out by the next one!”
“The next one!? ”
Radish and Luna found themselves in a cozy bakery kitchen. Radish assumed it was the one Pinkie Pie worked in. Twilight had mentioned it a few times in her letters.
“Miss Pie? Can you hear me?” called out Radish.
“Speak, Pie! We require thee!” called Luna.
Pinkie Pie popped up behind Radish's back.
“Hi there! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner!”
She gazed up at Luna. She gasped excitedly.
“Hey, I know you! We’ve met! You were Nightmare Moon!”
Radish slapped his forehead. He slowly inched back. Luna advanced on her angrily.
“Silence! Speak not of such things!”
“My bad! What can I get you?”
“Thy rapt attention! We have approached thee through thy dreams to deliver a royal advisory! Thou will heed our words!”
“Huh? Through my dreams?”
Radish stepped closer.
“Pinkie Pie, I’m Radish Root. We’re here to talk you through the land dispute with Chief Thunderhooves.”
“Radish Root? Twilight’s pen pal Radish Root? Wasn’t there something funny about you?”
“Never mind that now. Can you listen to what we say and then repeat it to Twilight when you wake up?”
“I doubt it. I never remember my dreams.”
“Pie, we find thee vexing,” huffed Luna.
“Well, do you at least talk in your sleep?” asked Radish. “Maybe the others can hear you.”
“Talk in my sleep? I dunno. How could I know that?”
“Do not thy copious bedfellows relay such information to thee?” Luna asked.
Radish cringed.
“Uh, who says I have copious bedfellows? Radish! What has Twilight been writing about me?”
“Nothing like that!”
“We meant no offense,” said Luna. “Thou appear quite capricious and frivolous in manner. Mares of a similar bearing in our day had but one thing on their minds- to frolic with as many stallions as possible… or other mares, if ‘twas their wont. Sometimes both.”
“Is this your war advice?” asked Pinkie Pie. “I don’t think that’s going to help.”
“Pinkie, listen,” said Radish, “the Plains Rangers went through a long and rocky learning period to get along with buffalo. The key is respect. That’s your foundation that you build everything else on. Compromise and empathize.”
“You mean… you gotta share… and you gotta care?”
“Uh, sure.”
“Nope. That didn’t work.”
“What? Okay, start finding commonalities. Things both sides already agree on.”
“Like their diets, or how they all have hooves? Tried that.”
“No, something-”
“Pie, there is but one certain way to dispel the clouds of war betwixt two disparate peoples!” Luna said. “An arranged political marriage to unite the belligerents!”
Radish winced.
“Ooh! That would be so cute!” said Pinkie Pie, excitedly. “Imagine the babies! They’d be so fuzzy! I'll definitely remember something like that when I wake up!”
“Excellent! Good luck, Pie. Remember, ‘twas thy Princess Luna, not Celestia, who saved this day.”
“Bye!”
Pinkie Pie muttered through her snoring.
“You were Nightmare Moon!” she announced to the ceiling.
All heads turned to her sleeping body.
“What did she say?” asked Applejack. “Nightmare Moon?”
“Huh? Radish Root?” Pinkie Pie mumbled.
“Radish Root? Hey Twilight! She’s dreaming about your boyfriend!” chuckled Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, hush,” said Twilight. “She’s never even met Radish. Unless… of course! Luna is the night princess! She and Radish must be reaching out to Pinkie Pie through her dreams!”
“Don’t that beat all. So she’ll tell us what they’re sayin’ when she wakes up?” asked Applejack.
“I doubt it. I never remember my dreams,” mumbled Pinkie Pie.
“Whoa, weird,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Well, at least she talks in her sleep. Spike, write down what she says,” said Twilight.
“…I have copious bedfellows…” moaned Pinkie Pie.
Rainbow Dash snickered. Fluttershy blushed.
“Oh, I’ll have what she’s having!” laughed Rarity.
“Copious… bed…” repeated Spike, writing on a scroll.
“Don’t write that!” hissed Twilight.
“Is this your war advice?” muttered Pinkie Pie.
“War advice! This is it!” Twilight said excitedly.
“… gotta share… gotta care…”
“Ugh! Not this again!” spat Twilight.
“Imagine the babies!”
“Babies? What babies?” asked Fluttershy.
“Bye!”
Pinkie Pie snapped awake. She saw her friends gathered around her, staring expectantly.
“Uh… oh. Hi, everypony. Were you all just watching me sleep?”
“Pinkie Pie! Were you just talking to Radish Root and Princess Luna in your dreams?” Twilight desperately asked.
“Uh, I think so?”
“What did they say?”
“I think Princess Luna called me a loose mare. And that I remind her of a lot of loose mares from olden times?”
“Hey! Not in front of Spike!” warned Twilight.
“What?” asked Spike.
“Wow, Luna’s kind of judgy for an ex-con,” Rainbow Dash said.
“Now, Pinkie, don’t you listen to her. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with enjoyin’ a roll in the hay,” assured Applejack.
“Did Radish say anything?” asked Twilight.
“Nothing we haven’t tried.”
“Seriously? Then we’re just… out of options?”
"Did they say something about babies?" asked Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie scratched her head. "Uh... I don't think so."
“Pinkie Pie, dear, are you sure this was a genuine communiqué from the palace, or were you just dreaming?” asked Rarity.
“No! I can prove it! I can tell you what Radish looks like! He wears terrifying black shiny armor with a fearsome moon symbol on his chest!”
“Really?” asked Fluttershy.
“He does not!” said Twilight.
“Oh. I guess it wasn’t him, then.”
“Ugh. Everyone get some sleep,” said Twilight. “We’ll figure this out in the morning.”
Radish opened his eyes. He was back in Luna’s bed. Luna was staring down at him. He slightly twisted his body.
“Our advisory was a success! Soon the warring sides will be united as family.”
“Princess Luna!” shouted Radish, sitting up.
“What?”
“These things have to be handled delicately! You can’t just order strangers to marry off willy-nilly! There are serious consequences in… in…”
Luna gazed down at him, eyes furrowed and lips pursed.
“Guardstallion Root. Thou raise thy voice at thy princess? Thou would gainsay a royal advisory?”
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
Luna closed her eyes to calm herself.
“We do not surround ourselves with brown-nosers and apple-polishers like some princesses we could name. We respect thee for voicing thine concerns.”
“You do? Really?”
“We do not, however, respect being bellowed at like a common school filly!”
“Please forgive me.”
“Thy princess shall forgive you. War brings out the worst in all of us.”
“Princess, I’m worried about Twilight and her friends.”
“Dost thou trust them?”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean every situation is in their control.”
“Nay. But perhaps their Element of Harmony jewels can calm the rage of war should our advice fail.”
“I don’t think they bring those everywhere they go.”
Luna reeled back.
“What foolishness is this? Radish Root, they are doomed.”
“Thanks, princess.”
Dear Radish,
I think we got some signals crossed during the Appleloosan conflict. Luckily, both sides wanted peace more than war, and now they’ve found that friendship can bring very different peoples together.
Spike seems to think that Little Strongheart and Braeburn are on the cusp of a relationship. He tends to romanticize everything, but Pinkie Pie got really excited about the idea of a marriage between the two of them. If you have any insight into pony-buffalo romance that could help them navigate these waters, please let me know.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I do not.
Your Pen Pal,
Radish Root
The Only Mark That Matters
It was unusual for a guard to be called into Celestia's office. Most palace personnel never see the inside of it. Radish had been called. He took a deep breath and knocked on its door.
“Enter,” came Celestia's response from within. Radish pushed through the large doors and entered. The office was massive and lined in bookshelves, with a wide mahogany desk in front of ceiling-to-floor windows. Princess Celestia was seated on a sofa off to the left side of the room, reading a stack of papers in her aura. She put them on a coffee table before her.
“Princess, you wished to see me?”
“Yes. Come, sit,” she said, motioning to the space on the sofa beside her. Radish sat next to her.
“Radish, I’d like to thank you for helping Luna practice her dream power. She’s overjoyed that she can help see ponies through nightmares again. She’s like a whole new mare.”
“I’m glad to help.”
"She speaks very highly of you."
"It's my honor to serve."
"A bit too highly, in my opinion."
"What do you mean?"
Celestia seized Radish by the shoulders and pushed him down onto the couch.
“Princess!?”
"You are mine , Radish. Not hers. Or do you need to be reminded of that?"
"But- mmmph!"
She jammed her lips against his, shoving her tongue into his mouth. Radish's eyes went wide.
Her horn glowed with a golden light. Radish’s armor and Celestia’s regalia vanished. She broke the kiss, grinning. She drew her bare hoof across his cheek.
"I've been looking forward to this. Take me, Radish. Take me like in your cutie marks. I want to make that face.”
"Celestia..."
He wrapped his hooves around her and kissed her. She moaned deep in her throat.
A sound like a crack of thunder burst to their side. Princess Luna stepped through a starlit portal into the office.
“Radish Root! We have entered thy dream so that we may...”
She saw Radish and Celestia, entwined upon the couch. Luna froze. Radish froze. Celestia grinned wickedly.
"Too late, Little Lulu," she said, putting her cheek to Radish's. "I've had my claim staked on this one for a long time. Why don't you go find a butler to play with?"
“Princess Luna!" gasped Radish. "I’m sorry! I'm-”
Luna turned and walked back into the portal. She vanished.
The dream Celestia snorted. "Forget about her. She wouldn't know what to do with you. Now, where were we?”
Radish woke in his bunk. His mane and pillow were damp with sweat. His jaw was clenched. His guts were twisted. He stared at the darkness above his bed, too afraid to close his eyes.
Radish stood silently at attention in Luna’s hallway. He hadn’t heard a single noise coming from her bedroom since his shift began an hour ago. He felt like he had been leaning sideways all night.
He screwed up his courage, then approached her door, against protocol and against his better judgement. He knocked. There was no response.
“Princess Luna? It’s Lieutenant Root. I’ve come to beg your forgiveness.”
The door creaked open by itself.
"Come in," said Luna's voice from somewhere in the darkness.
Radish entered the bedroom. Luna was at her breakfast table, holding a mug of coffee in her hooves.
"Please," she said, "sit down."
Radish took the seat opposite her.
"Princess..."
She held up a hoof to silence him.
"Lieutenant Root... we apologize. We should not have entered thy dream. We only did so because we detected distress from thee. We thought thou were having a nightmare. We came to help."
"Oh... I see."
"It seems we are so out of practice with dreams, we could not tell a... pleasant fantasy... from a nightmare."
"No, it's not your fault. It's just that... with me, they're the same thing."
"What dost thou mean?"
"I think I got my cutie marks fantasizing about... her. But I don't know why. I don't know what they mean. So dreams about her are just reminders that I don't understand myself. That I'll wake up without answers... and without her."
Luna's ears drooped.
"Radish Root... we are sorry. That is a very complicated nightmare."
"It is?"
"In our day, ponies had nightmares of threats to life and limb. Monsters and marauders. But that has changed?"
"Well, ponies have nightmares about all kinds of problems nowadays- money, relationships, jobs, family... public speaking is a big one..."
"Art thou saying that modern nightmares are born not out of fearing death... but of fearing life?"
"I suppose that's how you'd say it."
"But this is a disaster! We are not qualified to assist ponies in such matters! We have always joined ponies' nightmares to fight alongside them in battle! But we cannot simply blast away their problems with money . Radish Root, we have regained our ability to see ponies through nightmares, only to learn that we are useless in this regard!"
"You're not useless! I haven't spoken to anyone about my cutie marks like this in ages. It feels good to open up about them again."
"Then, we may still help ponies by... talking with them?"
"That could work. I think a lot of ponies could just use a sympathetic ear."
"It is a monumental task, to take on the sorrows of so many."
"Well, you don't have to do it all at once. Maybe you can just start on a small scale."
"With children, you mean?"
"Oh... uh, I suppose."
"Do modern foals have simpler nightmares?"
"Before I got my cutie marks, I mostly had nightmares about flunking exams."
"Then thou should have been more devoted to thy studies."
"See? You're giving good advice already."
Luna looked down at her coffee, considering this.
"Radish Root... thy counsel is appreciated. We thank thee."
"You're welcome."
"Please, do not feel chagrin over thy intimate dreams. They are normal and healthy."
"Oh... thanks. But..."
"We do not begrudge dreams of Celestia. She is a common fantasy. Common to the point of cliché."
"But then... how come no one else ever got a cutie mark like mine? Why am I different?"
"We are sorry, Radish Root. We do not know. Achieving a cutie mark during sleep is not unusual. Sometimes dreams allow one to imagine possible futures, and decide on one."
"I don't remember the dream I had that night. I just woke up with a vague memory of Celestia. Then... I saw my marks."
"Had we been witness to that dream, we could provide insight. But we cannot view a dream that has already been dreamt. We are sorry. We have no answers for thee."
"It's okay. Don't worry about it."
"Lieutenant... dost thou resent Celestia for spurning thee?"
"Well, it was always a longshot. A pipe dream."
"But dreams should be enjoyed. We wish thine did not distress thee so. We do not know what cosmic ties bind you and Celestia together, but we are confident you will someday find the answers you seek. Perhaps further dreams of her will provide the clarity you are missing."
"Huh. I never thought of it like that. Thank you."
"You are welcome." She stood up. "But now we must return to our duties."
"I understand. There's a whole world of dreaming ponies out there who need you," Radish said, standing up.
"Unfortunately, now that we will be patrolling the dream ream all night, we will have very little time to socialize. You and I will see much less of each other from now on."
"Well, if you ever need anything, I'm right outside your door."
"Thank you, Radish Root."
They nodded to each other. Radish saluted Luna and left the room. Luna walked over to her balcony, gazing out at the world. She closed her eyes, and her horn glowed softly.
She stood still for a few minutes. Suddenly, she shuddered and opened her eyes. She frowned, looking up at the moon.
"So... they live, after all."
She looked back at her door. She smiled.
"If I ever need anything..."
The Only Mark That Matters
As Radish entered Selenic Spire to begin his shift, the duty officer waved him over.
“Root, Princess Luna has a special assignment for you. She wants to meet you in her office this time.”
“She has an office?”
“Uh huh. It’s on this floor, actually.”
“Oh, she commutes to work.”
Radish entered Luna’s office. It was large, with wall-to-ceiling shelves full of scrolls and books. It was also dim, lit by a few candelabras which burned with blue flames. They flickered despite the absence of any drafts.
Luna was working a pencil and compass over a map on a large oak desk.
“Lieutenant Root,” she said, setting down her instruments. “Our recuperation is nearing its end. Our public debut is fast approaching.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“But we have unfinished business from a thousand years ago. Have you heard tell of the bat ponies?”
“Bat ponies? No, ma’am, I haven’t.”
“They were creations of Nightmare Moon. A variant race of pegasi born out of dark magic. We, uh, she , engineered four of them as her most trusted minions.”
“That’s… wow. What happened to them?”
“That is for you, Twilight Sparkle, and her friends to determine.”
“Ma’am?”
“Our dear sister has informed us that missions of this nature are handled by those six villagers nowadays, as opposed to a well-trained unit of seasoned professionals. We informed her that this is our mission, and we will have it undertaken by our own Champion. Thus, a compromise- a joint mission.”
“You think of me as your Champion?”
“Has the usage of the word changed? We simply mean that you are the one we trust most with the completion of our most important tasks.”
“I… thank you, princess!”
“You seven will be journeying to the last known location of the bat ponies. If they still exist, you are to make contact with them and bring them to us.”
“Last known, as in a thousand years ago?”
She held up the map.
“Indeed. The Mountains of Difficult Terrain. You have traversed mountains, have you not?”
“All the time in the Rangers.”
“Good. You will go to Glad’s Glades. From there you will follow this map and lead those six to our… to Nightmare Moon’s secret dark science laboratory.
“You... uh, Nightmare Moon had a secret dark science laboratory?”
“Yes. How shameful of her, no?”
“And you think there are bat ponies there now?”
“We suspect so. We detected nightmares from villagers in that region- silent swooping shadows with bat-like wings."
"Then the original four, uh... begat... a whole race of bat ponies that lasted to this day?"
"We certainly hope not! They were siblings! No, Nightmare Moon endowed them with longevity like her own- she had designs on a reign lasting millions of years.”
“Millions!”
“If they are indeed still alive, we must have them brought here. We will debut them to the world alongside us.”
“Will they be easy to convince?”
“They will be, because you will have this.”
She magically floated a small silver pendant in front of him. Embedded in its center was a blood-red crystal shaped like a crescent.
“Nightmare Moon had plans to choose subordinates- ponies who could keep the rank and file in line whilst she focused on larger designs. She forged this as a symbol of her rule-by-proxy. The bat ponies will recognize the one who wears it as Nightmare Moon’s envoy. Her favored own.”
She floated it around Radish’s neck. He looked down at it.
Favored own. I’ve never been a favored anything before.
“Thank you, your highness.”
“Thanks are not needed.”
The Royal Quartermaster was a thick, burnt-orange bull named Chandler. The older guards called him "Chuck", for reasons unknown to Radish. He operated out of a large workshop in a dome-shaped building near the rear of the palace campus, where numerous assistants, apprentices, and smiths produced and improved Guard armor and weaponry.
Radish stood in front of Chuck’s counter as he checked over Radish’s requisition list for the fourth time.
“It looks like we’ve got everything. What about equipment for the other six?”
“I was told they’d be responsible for their own.”
“Yeah? Listen,” he said, leaning over his counter, “whenever you involve civilians on a mission, you’re guaranteed to be the one carrying their weight. Sometimes literally.”
“I’m prepared to manage them. I’ve worked out tasks that best suit their talents, and I’ve written their instructions down for them in detail. Besides, they’ve been on mountain missions before. They got rid of that dragon.”
“I hear they just sing and dance and eat cake, and let their magic gems do all the work.”
“I’ve heard that, too.”
“Speaking of which,” he said, bringing up a long wooden box from under the counter, “Princess Luna sent word that you are to be outfitted with the palace’s most powerful magical weapons, armor, and artifacts on this mission.”
“Oh?”
“But Princess Celestia vetoed that.”
“Oh.”
“So, Captain Armor requisitioned you this as a compromise.”
“Oh?”
He opened the box. Inside was a collapsible short spear, the same kind as the one Radish used every day.
“Is it, uh, magic?”
“No, just a newer model. Ten percent less prone to accidental collapsing!”
“Could I have a sword, too?”
“What for?”
“The other ninety percent.”
“Can’t do it. You aren’t cleared for swords yet.”
Radish looked around the depot. He saw the garden supply section in the corner.
“What about a machete? You don’t need clearance for that.”
“Fine, I guess. You want some hedge clippers to go with it?”
With the machete in his pack, Radish exited the depot carrying the new spear in hoof. He flicked it out, extending it to its full length. He examined the shaft, and something caught his eye.
His rank, name, and guard number were engraved on the side. He turned it over, and there was another engraving on the opposite side, a motto in Middle Ponish he couldn’t translate. It wasn’t the Royal Guard’s normal motto, which translated to “Back, I Say! ”
“Root, you almost ready?” asked Shining Armor, walking up to him.
“Yes, sir. Just familiarizing myself with the new equipment.”
“Pretty nice, huh? We’re rolling those babies out next week. I hope you don’t need to use it.”
“Me too, sir."
“See this?” he said, pointing to the engraved motto, “know what that means?”
“No, sir.”
“Something my old hoofball coach used to say. ‘Don’t screw this up ’.”
“I won’t, sir.”
“Look, Root. You’re about to head out on a pretty dangerous mission. In a pretty dangerous area. With my sister.”
“I’ll protect her to my last breath, sir.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow.
“That’s… that’s fine, lieutenant. Just fine.”
Radish stepped off the train onto the depot platform for Glad’s Glades. He had read all the palace’s available information on it, which wasn’t much. It was a small town, nestled in the foothills of the Mountains of Difficult Terrain. It had been founded by burros, and it was home to an aloe lotion company.
He took a moment to reorganize his gear. He sheathed the machete to his side and attached his spear to the snap-clasp on his back. Luna had advised Radish not to wear his armor on this mission, as the bat ponies might mistake him for an agent sent by Celestia, Nightmare Moon's hated enemy. Radish was actually relieved at this- even the palace's lightest armor wasn't intended for extended hikes through the wilderness. Radish came dressed in a rugged mountaineering outfit, similar to (but much more high-quality than) his Plains Rangers uniform.
He entered the depot. He looked through a rack of local broadsheets for anything that might point to bat pony sightings. There was nothing. He considered asking the locals, but decided he’d rather keep his mission as low-profile as possible.
Then he heard an ear-splitting voice.
“HEY, RAINBOW DASH! CHECK IT OUT! THERE’S A BUG INSIDE THIS LOLLIPOP!”
“Pinkie Pie! Get that out of my face!”
“Would y’all cut it out? Folks are starin’!”
“Oh, that’s my fault, darling. This new chapeau may have been a bit much for so rustic an environs.”
“Look, they sell jumping beans! I’ve never taken care of a bean before! Can we get some?”
“Would you five quit it? The train just rolled in! He could be rounding the corner any second now!”
Radish took a deep breath and rounded the corner. He saw a group of mares milling about the depot’s gift shop.
It was them. The six heroines of Equestria. The Elements of Harmony.
He had read the dossiers Shining Armor kept on them, and Twilight’s letters had described their idiosyncrasies time and time again. He felt like he already knew them: Pinkamena Diane Pie. Jacqueline Smith-Apple. Rarity Hildebrand. Fluttershy Oathbreaker. Rainsong Beauregard Dashitall. Twilight was with them too, and she saw him and excitedly waved him over.
“Radish! Good to see you! Girls, I want you to meet Radish Root. He’s going to be our mountaineering guide, our liaison with Princess Luna, and he’s my pen pal from Canterlot!”
They stared.
“Good morning. It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” said Radish, bowing. “Twilight speaks highly of each one of you.”
“Uh, yeah,” said Rainbow Dash. “Nice to meet you.”
“Mighty fine makin’ your, er, acquaintance,” said Applejack, uneasily. Her eyes drifted down to his sides.
“So,” said Radish, “Princess Luna’s map points us to a cave system under a nearby peak. But she never mapped the caves, and nopony has found them since Nightmare Moon used them. We have to rediscover the entrance. We only have a few landmarks to guide us, most of which have probably changed in the intervening centuries.”
They stared at him.
“But Princess Luna has filled me in on Nightmare Moon’s MO. You six have actually encountered her. I think if we put our heads together with what we know about Nightmare Moon, we can at least identify or eliminate stretches of landscape which would or would not have suited her a millennium ago.”
They continued to stare.
“For example, I believe she’d shun the sun as much as possible. The sun has always been raised from the east and set in the west- so I think she’d avoid hillsides that face those directions. And at this latitude, a north-facing entrance would get the least sunlight, and better still if it was nestled in a valley. But Nightmare Moon was vain, so she’d want her lair entrance to be as high off the ground as possible. I think she’d go for bare rock over pleasant vegetation and cute woodland animals. It’s all about optimizing our search using these guidelines.”
The group of them was now leaning sideways, eyes on his flanks.
“In any case, our best bet would be to catch sight of bat ponies. But Luna says they blend into the night sky and can fly silently, so that may be a long shot. We may have to resort to drawing their attention.”
They continued to stare. Radish sighed, and put his hoof on his trousers.
“If I just showed them, could we get a move on?” he snapped.
“Oh, no!” said Rainbow Dash. “I wasn’t even thinking about your cutie marks!”
“No siree!” said Applejack.
“Not in the least!” said Rarity.
“I wasn’t staring!” said Fluttershy.
“Yeah, show us!” giggled Pinkie Pie.
“Girls, I can’t believe you,” said Twilight, taking position by Radish’s side. “What was the one thing I asked from you on this trip?”
“Don’t be awkward about Radish’s cutie marks,” the other five said in unison.
“And what’s the first thing you did!?”
“Be awkward about Radish’s cutie marks,” they said.
“And what do you say?”
“Sorry, Radish,” they said.
“It’s fine. I’m used to it,” said Radish. “But we have a lot of ground to cover. If you’re ready, our first search site is an hour away.”
He trotted ahead. Twilight kept pace with him, while the others followed behind.
“I am so, so sorry about them,” Twilight said.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s good to see you. How’s Ponyville been?”
“Great! I never imagined such a small town could keep me so busy! And I’m learning so much about friendship, too. How’s palace life?”
“Peaceful, thank goodness. But it’s good to get out.”
“How’s Shining? I haven’t seen him much since I moved.”
“He’s concerned for your safety. Are you sure you don’t want more guards here?”
“We’ve come to make friends with the bat ponies, not surround them with troops.”
“There are other dangers out here. This mountain range is tailypo habitat.”
“I've read up on this area. I’ve also been practicing defensive spells."
"Okay, but if anything attacks us, I want you to get behind me."
Twilight laughed. “Okay, Mister Big Strong Guard.”
“Lieutenant Big Strong Guard.”
“How’s Princess Luna? I haven’t spoken to her since, well... Nightmare Moon.”
“She’s doing well. I really want this mission to go well for her sake.”
“It will. We’ve never let a princess down before.”
They took a hiking path out of town into the mountains, and soon abandoned the path to rove over less inviting terrain. After an hour of walking, Radish led them up a rocky slope. They reached a large depression nestled between several hills.
“Okay, this is our first search site,” said Radish, retrieving papers from his bag. “I’ve outlined a list of tasks each of you can perform to narrow down our search.”
“Tasks? You sound just like Twilight,” moaned Rainbow Dash.
“Good. You, Miss Dash, will search this area aerially using this grid pattern. Make sure you examine every cliff face from all angles.”
“Seriously? I thought we were looking for mad science monsters. Nopony said anything about grid patterns.”
“Yeah, Radish,” said Twilight, “you can’t expect such an undisciplined flier to handle a simple grid pattern. It’s not like the Wonderbolts ever employ them in their search-and-rescues.”
“Fine,” Rainbow Dash sighed. “Way to make it personal.”
She took a map from Radish and flew off.
“Miss Rarity,” said Radish.
“Uh, yes?”
“Your specialty is gem-finding. I need you to scan this area for gems that feel out-of-place. I think a dark science laboratory would use a lot of unusual, even magically-mutated gems in its equipment.”
“Ooh! Unique gems? Finally, this mission is getting interesting .”
She trotted off with her horn glowing, looking about the landscape excitedly.
“Miss Fluttershy?”
“Yes?” asked Fluttershy, hiding half her face under her mane.
“The bat ponies probably have left an impression on local wildlife. You talk to the critters, and see what they know.”
“Oh. I can do that!”
She caught sight of a chipmunk and flew after it, introducing herself.
“Miss Pie-”
“Here!” shouted Pinkie Pie, jumping in front of Radish.
“Miss Pie, you-”
“You want me to apply my rock farming background to examine the locality for irregularities in geology?”
“Yes.”
“On it!” She bounced away, then sniffed along the ground like a dog.
“Twilight?”
“Scan for dark magic residue?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ve got just the spell. I can’t wait to finally try it out!”
“Be careful. Nightmare Moon’s magic ability was off the charts. She may have booby-trapped the area against your exact kinds of spells. If you feel pushback, disengage immediately.”
“Booby-traps? May have? Luna doesn’t remember?”
“No, she doesn’t.”
“Huh. Thanks for the warning.”
She walked off, carefully projecting a red cone of light across the ground in front of her.
“You got a task for me, Radish?” asked Applejack, walking up.
“Multiple. First of all, cat herding.”
“You mean, keepin’ all these fillies focused on their tasks? What makes you think they need it?”
Radish pointed at Rarity, who had dug up a ruby, and was polishing it and holding it against her chest, imagining how it would look like as a broach. He pointed to Fluttershy, who was brushing a skunk’s tail and giving it encouraging words about its scent. He pointed to Pinkie Pie, who had stumbled upon some brightly-colored mushrooms and was bending down to poke at them.
“Aw, that’s all just part of the process,” reassured Applejack. “What else?”
“Site security.”
“Oh, really? A royal guard needs my help keepin' everyone safe?” she asked, playfully nudging his shoulder. “You really think I’m as tough as all that?”
“I don't know what we'll find out here. There could be... something like that!”
A dark wisp of purple energy erupted from the ground and seized Twilight by the tail. She clutched onto a rock as it tried to drag her under the soil.
“Land’s sakes!” shouted Applejack. She leapt over to Twilight and grabbed her, trying to pull her from the thing’s clutches. Radish ran behind her, pulled his machete from his side, and sliced her tail cleanly. She was flung over Applejack, who caught her. The mares tumbled over each other as the wisp vanished back into the ground.
Twilight sat up. “Okay. So there was some pushback.”
“Are you okay, Twilight?” asked Applejack, helping her to her hooves.
“Yeah, thanks. But this whole mountain range is rigged against magic like that. Nightmare Moon really did not want her lab to be found.”
“Guess I should stick close by. You’ve only got so much tail left,” said Applejack.
She looked at the cleanly-cut edge of her tail.
“Thank you, Radish.”
“No problem.”
“Hey, found something!” called Rainbow Dash. “It’s just off the grid.”
She led the others to a rock outcropping. Hidden in its underside was the outline of a door cut into the mountainside.
“Okay, this looks promising. Thank you, Miss Dash,” said Radish, approaching it. “I think if we-”
“Wait!” called Pinkie Pie, flailing her hooves.
She pointed to a circular indention in the ground in front of the door. She pulled out one of the brightly-colored mushrooms and threw it into the center. The sand rumbled, then sucked in the mushroom. After a beat, the sand pit spit shreds of the mushroom into the air like confetti.
“It’s sawtooth quicksand. Chews you up and spits you out,” Pinkie Pie explained.
“Okay. Avoiding that. Thanks, Miss Pie,” said Radish, adding to the map.
“No problemo!”
“Anypony see a way to open the door?” asked Twilight.
Fluttershy stepped forward, with the skunk on her head.
“Wilfred here says he’s seen creatures going in there. They put something on the wall, and it opens.”
They looked closer at the wall, and there was indeed a small hollow for an object. Radish held his pendant up to the hole, but it didn’t seem like a fit.
“Ah, I’ve just the thing,” said Rarity, pulling out the ruby she found. “I believe one of them dropped this quite a long time ago. It has a rather vintage cut.”
She clicked it into the hollow. The door shuddered and slid into the ground, revealing darkness. Twilight projected a light from her horn into it. The passage led down a flight of curving stone steps.
“Okay,” she said, “not foreboding at all.”
“Let’s set up a marching order,” said Radish, pinning a flashlight to his breast pocket. “I’ll take lead, but I’ll need Twilight-”
“Ugh, you’re micromanaging how we walk now?” groaned Rainbow Dash.
Radish looked at the girls, then down at the lists of tasks he drew up for them, then at the girls again. He stuffed the paper in his pocket.
“Okay,” he said, stepping aside, “how would you like to proceed?”
“Just follow my lead,” she said, and flew into the darkness. She then poked her head back out. “Come on in! You’ve got to see this!”
The other six carefully sidestepped the sawtooth quicksand and entered the door.
They were at the top of a staircase jutting out from a curving wall, leading down into a massive hollow in the mountain. They took the stairs down to the floor of the room. Twilight cast her magic on wall sconces, and they illuminated the room with a soft blue glow.
Multiple tables and workbenches were set up throughout the room. On them were arcane devices, alchemical equipment, and the long-forgotten leftovers of magical experiments, all covered in eons of dust. Across the floor was a mosaic of a massive crescent moon symbol encircling the silhouette of a dark horned mare. This was the indeed the former laboratory of Nightmare Moon.
Radish was afraid to speak, lest he wake up some half-finished nightmare creature.
“Whoa-ho! Look at this place! It’s spooky central!” Pinkie Pie yelled out. Radish cringed, then listened. Nothing in the room reacted.
“Okay,” he said, pulling out the map and making additions to it. “If bat ponies are still using this place as a home, we’ll find evidence somewhere. If they’re out hunting, we wait for them to come home. They’ll be more amenable to conversation if they have full stomachs.”
“Hunting?” asked Rarity, “Hunting for what?”
“Insects, mostly, according to Luna. Though she did stress their diet may have shifted over a thousand years.”
“Shifted to what, exactly?”
“Just try not to look too delicious, okay?”
“Well, that will be a strain, but all right, dear,” she said with a wink.
Radish looked around. Nothing in the room seemed to have been touched for a thousand years. He examined the dust on the ground. There were hoofprints- recent, but unlike any Radish knew.
Applejack walked up next to him. “Those ain’t normal hoofprints. Think that’s them bat ponies?”
“Princess Luna said their hooves were adapted for hanging upside-down, like real bats.”
He looked at the ceiling. It was flat and smooth. He looked at where the tracks were heading- a door on the far side of the room.
“But these tracks just go straight through the room. I think they revere Nightmare Moon so much, they’re afraid to touch her stuff.”
“Heck, I’m afraid to touch this stuff,” said Twilight, staring at a table with multiple metal pieces strewn on it. “I only know what some of these things are, and let me tell you, they are crazy dangerous when active. Some of these seem to work on properties of magic that are theoretical even today. Nightmare Moon was eons ahead of her time.”
“Gee, Twilight, sounds like you wish you were her student,” mocked Rainbow Dash.
“All I’m saying is, we’re lucky Princess Celestia defeated her before she could finish any of this stuff.”
“But does that mean Princess Luna can finish this stuff?” asked Fluttershy worriedly.
“No,” Radish quickly answered. “They’re two separate ponies, with completely different minds. Luna could never carry on Nightmare Moon’s work.”
Behind his back, Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow. Pinkie Pie frowned nervously, and Rarity gave Twilight a disapproving glance. Twilight didn’t see it.
Radish noticed Fluttershy sniffing the air. “You smell something?”
She nodded.
“What?” asked Twilight.
“Bat dander,” answered Fluttershy, shivering. “Not normal bats, either.”
“Okay. We’re on the right track. Let’s explore- but we’ll do it systematically, and quietly .”
They took a corridor out of the room. Twilight lit more wall sconces as they explored. They passed many doors, most of which were locked tight and unopenable even to magic. They found empty rooms. They found rooms containing more odd, unidentifiable devices. Radish made notes and mapped the lair as they went.
Pinkie Pie opened a dark mahogany door. “Whoa, check this out!” she called.
She had found a large, luxurious bedroom.
“Nightmare Moon’s bedroom!” she said gleefully. “Think she wore jammies to bed?”
Radish shook the image of Nightmare Moon in pajamas out of his mind. He heard Rarity gasp, and turned to see her standing further down the hall, staring stone-still into a room she had opened. The others gathered around to see what she had found. The room was dark red, and it contained nothing but a single black diamond, hovering silently in the center.
“Nopony touch that,” whispered Rarity. “In fact, stop looking at it. It’s, uh, not what it seems.”
She closed the door and walked on. The others followed.
As they explored, Pinkie Pie hummed to herself. The hum became a whistle, and the whistle became a song.
“Oh, Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon Where do you keep your living room? Your kitchenette with your nightmare spoon? Is that a closet with a nightmare broom?”
Radish looked at Twilight with pleading eyes.
“I know,” she whispered. “If it comes to it, just sing along.”
“Oh, Nightmare Moon, Nightmare Moon Will these hallways become our tomb? Will we meet a nightmare doom?”
“I hope that we get done here soon,” sighed Radish.
Pinkie Pie gave him a wide grin.
They opened a door to a study lined with bookshelves full of thick grimoires. Twilight's eyes went wide.
“Look!” she gasped, running inside. “The Book of Neighbon ! Dewormis Mysteriis! The Ponkotic Manuscripts! These are some of the rarest dark magic tomes in the world! They're all banned from Celestia's school!”
She ran up to a spell book left open on a book stand. She used magic to readjust it to her height, and leafed through it.
"Oh my stars! This is Nightmare Moon's personal spell journal! There are spells for attack, domination, biotransmutation-"
“Sounds like something best left alone, right Twilight?” said Radish, pointedly.
“Uh… right," she said, giving a lingering look at a page before closing the book.
They continued down the hallway until it terminated at a door, which opened to a cavernously large, empty room. The stone floor was marked with thick painted lines which led to and up along the far wall. Unlike the other walls, which were magic-hewn rock, this wall was a flat metal panel.
Radish walked up to it. “Now, what’s with this? Is it a big door?”
“Uh, big doors usually mean big things going through them,” warned Rainbow Dash.
“It can’t be,” said Radish. “From my mapping, this should be the side of the mountain. If this is a door, it opens up to the outside.”
“Over here, Radish,” said Twilight.
She had found a control panel on a near wall.
“Good lookin’ out, Twi,” said Radish, walking up to it. He held up a hoof, and she bumped it with her own. Rarity noticed this and smiled.
“Okay, ponies. Get ready, we’re going to open it,” said Twilight.
She pulled down a large switch, and a red light on the panel lit up. The room shuddered. The metal wall creaked and opened away from them, hinged along its bottom. It stopped flat, revealing a panoramic view of the mountains outside. A whoosh of fresh air filled the room.
“Whoa, this room is a balcony!” said Pinkie Pie. “What a view!”
“No, this room is a hangar and a runway!” said Rainbow Dash. “Nightmare Moon thought of everything for these bat ponies! This is how they were gonna scramble out of the mountain and attack… oh.”
They looked out at the vista. Far in the distance, barely cresting over the horizon, were the lights of Canterlot.
Rarity sat and gazed at it.
“So many times I’ve looked upon Canterlot from Ponyville. It’s been my goal. But Nightmare Moon… she was gazing at it too. It was her target!”
Radish stepped out onto the door, which now was a landing platform. He looked around the landscape. The sun was setting.
“Okay. We should stop for the night. I’ll take first watch,” Radish said.
“First what now?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“You know, sleep in shifts?”
The girls looked at each other, confused.
“So one can be lookout while the others can get sleep?”
“Uh, that’s not really how we do things,” said Rainbow Dash.
“How do you do things?”
“I say we stay up all night and tell spooky stories! This place is perfect for it!” laughed Pinkie Pie.
Rarity looked back at the door they came in from.
“Say, uh, Pinkie,” she said, “where better to host this slumber party than back in Nightmare Moon’s bedroom?”
“Ooh, perfect!” Pinkie Pie said.
Rarity leaned over to Radish. “Oh, but… uh, Radish dear? Would you be so gallant as to guard us girls from this vantage?”
“Sure.”
“And Twilight, could you keep our lieutenant company? Nopony should be out here alone.”
“But why-”
“Thank you, dear!”
She trotted past Radish, winking at him. He knew why. She trotted past Twilight, straightened some hairs in her mane, and winked at her. She didn’t know why.
Rarity ushered the rest out into the hallway. She closed the door to a crack and peeked back through.
“Rarity, quit playin' matchmaker. We got a job to do here,” admonished Applejack.
“Well, he can’t keep mooning over Celestia for the restia… uh, the rest of his life. And this affinity he has for Luna will do him no good, either.”
“Dude’s a princess-chaser, no doubt about it,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Indeed, and Twilight is probably the closest he’ll ever get. And as for her, when was the last time you’ve even seen her speak to a stallion?”
“Do we even know if Twilight goes for fellers?” asked Applejack.
“No…” said Rarity, pondering it.
“Don’tcha you think Twilight’s type would be more of a, you know…”
“Library-dwelling egghead?” finished Rainbow Dash.
“Well, perhaps. Do we know any?” asked Rarity.
The other four looked between themselves. They shrugged.
“Then let’s continue to our slumber party, and whatever will be, will be.”
Radish unfurled his bedroll and laid on his stomach, looking out at the view. Twilight set up hers next to him. Radish pulled out a notebook and started writing.
“What are you writing?”
“Notes on everything we’ve seen so far. Just getting ahead on my official report.”
“Official report?”
“Celestia doesn’t ask for them when you six do things like this?”
“Well, I send her a weekly letter on what I learn about friendship.”
Radish gave her a glance. “That’s pretty much what you write me.”
“Yes, but sometimes writing about something twice lets me take a deeper look at it. I call it my ‘Second Look at Friendship’.”
Twilight looked at the door mechanism.
“How long was Luna Nightmare Moon?” she asked. “The book I read made it sound like her turn and banishment happened in one night. This lair must have taken a while to set up.”
“I get the sense she turned back and forth between Luna and Nightmare Moon several times over a long period. Maybe neither was fully aware of the other.”
“Like that novel, The Strange Case of Dr. Jackal and Mr. Clydesdale ? Poor Luna.”
“I’m hoping this mission gives Luna some closure on the whole Nightmare Moon thing.”
“That’s really nice.”
“Luna’s really nice.”
“Oh? Shining says everypony in the palace is afraid of her. I’m glad she has a friend.”
“I’m… I just work for her,” said Radish.
“You don’t think she considers you a friend?”
“No. But I am her Champion.”
“She said that? Wow, that’s terrific.”
“Yeah.”
“We won’t let her down, Radish.”
“Thanks.”
Radish rested his head on his crossed hooves and looked at the sky. Some stars were now visible, twinkling in the expanse.
“Nice night.”
“It is,” Twilight said. Then she yawned.
“It’s been a long day," said Radish. "Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll holler if anything comes in.”
“No, I’m fine.”
Radish pulled out a bag from his pocket.
“Want a jalapeño chew?”
She gingerly took one and sniffed it.
“This smells awful.”
“They help me focus.”
She chewed it. She spat it out.
“Ugh. Sorry, but I can’t.”
“It’s okay.”
“Here, try this instead.”
She pulled out two yellow stick candies and gave him one. He sucked the end of his.
“What is this? It’s like a bunch of flavors all whipped together.”
“A candymaker in Ponyville makes them special. She calls it her ‘Celestial Blend’. She’s offering a prize to whoever can identify every flavor. They all supposedly have some relationship to Celestia.”
“And you haven’t cracked it yet? No one knows Celestia better than you.”
“I’m close, but she says I’m missing three. What are you tasting?”
“Well, sunflower. Obvious.”
“Yeah.”
“Watermelon. Pineapple. Tomato.”
“Uh huh. Summer fruits.”
“A fancy tea. I can’t help there.”
“It's hibiscus chamomile. Her favorite.”
“I don’t know about this sharp taste.”
“Starfruit.”
“Never had it. Oh, Balencian orange.”
“Balencian orange? Really?”
“Yeah. From Courtyard A.”
“Ooh. I never went in there. I didn’t get along with the royal gardeners back then. I uh, may have given them some unsolicited advice about proper planting regimes.”
Twilight pulled out a scroll and wrote it down.
“Anything else?”
“This smokiness…”
“Yeah, I think there’s a smoke infusion, representing how she gets Spike’s letters by smoke.”
“Oh. That’s abstract. Wait, there’s an aftertaste. Oh, it’s…”
Radish bristled and scowled.
“What?”
“It’s radish seed .”
Twilight gasped. She took the candy out of her mouth and looked at it.
“Really? You don’t think that’s a reference to...”
“Uh huh.”
“Oh my.”
“What’s this candymaker’s name?”
“Bon Bon.”
“Could you tell Bon Bon off for me?”
“I will. Nopony makes mocking my friends into a game.”
“I say we beat her at her game, shut the whole thing down for good.”
“Do you taste anything else?”
“That’s all I can figure. Sorry.”
“Well, now I’m one away. I’ll share the prize with you if I win.”
“What the prize?”
“A big block of salt.”
“That sounds nice. Thanks.”
Radish looked up at the moon. It looked bigger, somehow. He could see the craters and seas across its surface. It glowed with a bright halo.
Could Luna be holding the moon closer to this place, for us? For me?
He smiled. He pulled out his binoculars and gazed at the moon. It was peaceful, elegant, and beautiful.
Just like Luna.
He focused on the horizon and tried to glass Canterlot. The lights of the city shined bright on the mountain like a lantern in the dark.
“Those look so bulky,” said Twilight. “Why not use a royal spyglass?”
“Oh, those are awful. They’re flimsy, they creak when you adjust them, and they have half the magnification. These are Ranger-issue. They're waterproof, scratch-resistant, and can spot a sparrow’s field marks across town.”
“Really? Why would Shining assign guards inferior equipment?”
“I’ve learned not to raise a stink about things.”
“You should never be afraid to voice your concerns.”
“You’ve never had a boss before, huh?”
“Yes I have! Princess Celestia! She’s the biggest boss there is!”
“Okay. You’re right.”
“Besides, I’ve had job jobs before, Radish. I worked at an ice cream store in Canterlot one summer. The Big Ripple.”
“Really? That’s a nice place.”
Radish fondly recalled how their old-fashioned pinstripe uniforms fit the girls who worked there. They even had cute little hats. Radish put it out of his mind.
“And I had a boss, who thought very highly of me, even though I was constantly pointing out his errors.”
“You’re right. I should point out your brother’s errors more.”
“Could I have a look through those?”
“Sure.”
He gave her his binoculars. She adjusted the knobs.
“Wow, these are good!”
“Right?”
“I can see vultures in the sky!”
“At night?”
“And they’re pulling loops in the air!”
“Vultures are looping? Uh…”
“Whoo hoo! I’m jumping on Nightmare Moon’s bed!” laughed Pinkie Pie.
“Careful there! This room could be booby-trapped,” warned Applejack.
“Nah, nopony would booby-trap the place where they’re groggiest. Imagine getting up on the wrong side of the bed and falling into a spike pit.”
Rarity rifled through Nightmare Moon’s nightstands. She pulled out a small atomizer.
“Heavens! Nightmare Moon’s perfume!”
She spritzed her wrist and sniffed it.
“Hmm… cedarwood, rose… and cocoa? Nightmare Moon, you randy old dog, you! I’m keeping this!”
Pinkie Pie stopped jumping on the bed. She looked down at it.
“So, who do you think Nightmare Moon was putting perfume on in the bedroom for?” she asked.
“Hmm,” said Rainbow Dash, “probably some other villain. To start a whole villainous dynasty.”
“What, you think Nightmare Moon wanted some feller to put her in the family way?” scoffed Applejack.
“Maybe she was waiting for Princess Celestia to get a boyfriend so she could steal him!” suggested Fluttershy.
“Well, that would have been a long wait,” said Rainbow Dash. “The Princess isn’t really the dating type. Just ask Radish.”
“Hmm, do y’all hear somethin’?” asked Applejack. She followed a noise to a panel on the wall. She slid it open, revealing a bank of flared, capped tubes. Each was labeled with the name of a different room.
“Voice pipes!” said Rarity, “So she could bark orders to the rest of the base! Hmm, I wonder if…”
She popped open the cover of the tube marked, “HANGAR”.
“It’s been a long day. Why don’t you get some sleep? I’ll holler if anything comes in,” said Radish's voice, coming from the hangar.
“It is them!” said Rarity excitedly.
“Uh, we’re going to listen in on them?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“We are not voyeurs, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity. “This is simply to hear if there’s any danger coming.”
“Then let me talk to them,” said Applejack, leaning up to the tube.
“Don’t you dare!” hissed Rarity, shoving her away.
“I don’t know about this sharp taste.”
“Starfruit.”
“Ah, they’re sharing food! How romantic!” giggled Rarity.
“What if they start to, you know…?” said Pinkie Pie.
“Then we will give them their privacy. But for now, shush!”
“Those look so bulky.”
“Uh, what does?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Maybe we should close this thing now?” said Fluttershy.
“Hush! I’m missing it!” said Rarity.
“…inferior equipment?”
“Wait, wait?” asked Rarity. “What did she say?”
“You’ve never had a boss before, huh?”
“No, don’t bring that up!” whined Rarity. “You’re losing her, Radish!”
“I worked at an ice cream store in Canterlot one summer. The Big Ripple.”
“Really? That’s a nice place.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Not really. They’re overpriced and snooty as all-get-out.”
“Could I have a look through those?”
“Oh, his binoculars! Now’s his chance to show Twilight how they work while cradling her from behind,” Rarity said, excitedly trotting in place.
“Ugh, where do you get this stuff?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“And they’re pulling loops in the air!”
“Vultures are looping? Uh…”
“And they’re coming toward us. Wow, they’re fast!”
“Let me see.”
There was a pause.
“Twilight, get ready!”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s them! Four bat ponies inbound!”
The five startled back.
“Oh dear,” said Rarity.
Radish and Twilight stood together in the center of the hangar. Radish felt the spear on his back, the machete on his side, and the pendant on his neck.
“I wish we didn’t split up,” said Radish.
“No, it’s best not to overwhelm them. We’re here to talk,” said Twilight.
A quartet of large grey ponies- three stallions and a mare- landed on the metal platform with a thud. True to Luna’s words, they had bat wings. They also had tufted, lanceolate ears, and their manes and tails were dark purple. They were unclothed, and had cutie marks depicting the moon in various phases. They slowly stalked their way toward Radish and Twilight.
Radish held out his pendant and stood tall.
“Hello. My name is Radish Root, and-”
“Twilight! Radish!” shouted Rainbow Dash. She and the rest galloped into the hangar. Radish waved at them to stay back, but they reached him and Twilight nonetheless.
“Whoa! Look at them!” said Pinkie Pie.
The bat ponies took to the air.
“Wait!” called Radish. “I am a special envoy of-”
The bat ponies let out a piercing screech. Radish and the girls held their ears in pain, buckling to the floor. Suddenly, the spot of the floor they stood on wobbled, then snapped open. They fell screaming down a long dark shaft.
They landed painfully in a heap onto the sandy floor of a wide circular room. The ceiling above them snapped closed.
They all groaned and climbed to their feet. Twilight cast a spell that enveloped the group with light. Nothing happened.
“Guess teleporting back up there was too much to hope for,” she said.
She aimed her horn at the trap door they fell through and fired off a blast of energy. It rebounded off the ceiling. She dodged it as it blasted a crater at her feet.
“Okay, that didn’t work either.”
Radish knocked on the walls. They were solid steel. He craned his neck upward. The walls were ten meters tall, and topped with a cage of thick metal bars reaching up to the ceiling and tapering to the hole they just fell through. Beyond the bars were rows of stadium seats.
Fluttershy tried to pull on the bars. They didn’t give.
“Stuck in a cage. Luna’s gonna kill me,” Radish grumbled.
“Yeah? Maybe that was her plan,” muttered Rainbow Dash.
“You say something?” he snapped.
“I’m just saying, she was Nightmare Moon. Maybe she planned this whole thing just to get us back for whupping her tail.”
Radish shoved past the others and stomped up to Rainbow Dash.
“Luna ain’t Nightmare Moon! Y’all should know that, seeing as how you blasted one into the other!”
“Well, maybe it didn’t take .”
Radish seethed.
“She didn’t even want you six here! As far as she’s concerned, she’s doing Celestia a favor by letting you tag along with me!”
“You’d still be outside playing with your grid patterns without us!” shouted Rainbow Dash, getting in Radish’s face.
“Fat of lot of good it does being in this hole!”
“You guys! Stop it!” said Twilight.
They both turned to glare at her.
“We’ll get out of here by cooperating, not by fighting!”
“Fi… oh. Fighting,” said Radish. He looked up at the cage surrounding them.
“What?” Twilight asked.
“This must be Nightmare Moon’s fight pit,” Radish said, kicking at the sandy floor.
“Fight pit?” gulped Fluttershy. “Is that what it sounds like?”
“She was going to find all the toughest creatures in the world and make them fight for her amusement. The winners would have been accepted into her army.”
“And this is the princess you want to impress?” sneered Rainbow Dash.
“No, Luna is the princess I swore my duty to, and I don’t need some magic necklace hanging around my neck to remind me of what loyalty means!”
“Oh yeah? Then what’s this?” demanded Rainbow Dash, yanking out the moon pendant from around his neck and holding it up to his face. “Your sweetheart locket? What, do you have a lock of her hair in there or something? Or maybe a picture of her making a kissy face?”
“Don’t you touch that!” yelled Radish, snatching it and shoving her back.
A red light illuminated the space. On a wall beyond the cage, a panel had lit up with the words, “FIRST STRIKE: RADISH ROOT”.
They all stared.
“What does that mean?” asked Fluttershy.
“The arena… it’s active. It thinks we’re combatants,” said Twilight.
“The arena thinks? On its own?” asked Applejack worriedly.
Radish sighed.
“This pit will only open if there’s a victor,” he said.
“A victor? Surely you don’t mean we have to brawl with each other?” scoffed Rarity.
“To the death,” he said.
“Oh, I think not, Radish,” Rarity said firmly.
“Wait, we can use that to get out of here!” said Twilight.
“How?” asked Radish.
“I can cast a spell to stop everyone’s hearts!”
The others stared at her.
“For just a second! It would be just long enough to make the arena think you’re dead and trick the door open!”
"Twilight... jus' what are you doin' knowin' a heart-stopping spell?" asked Applejack, raising an eyebrow.
"I saw it in Nightmare Moon's spell journal earlier! It looked surprisingly simple. I think I can modify-"
“No!” shouted everyone else.
“Well, fine! How do you want to get out of here?”
“I can let you out!” called Pinkie Pie’s voice over loudspeakers.
They all looked up. Pinkie Pie was in a glass-windowed control room above the rows of seats.
Radish stammered. “How did you get up there!?”
She looked around herself.
“I don’t know!”
“Pinkie Pie! Is there a switch to let us out?” called Twilight.
Pinkie Pie gazed at a large control panel in front of her. There were dozens of switches, knobs, and blinking buttons.
“Uh, probably?”
“Okay,” called Radish. “First, check to see if there are there any-”
“I’ll try them all!”
“NO!” everypony else yelled.
Six doors slid open in the walls around them. Radish held his breath. Nothing happened.
“Okay, there may be a way-”
The wall panel displayed the words “SUDDEN DEATH”. A massive black wolf- big as a covered wagon- charged out of one of the openings. Its eyes glowed with indigo light. It barreled right at the ponies, snarling.
“Sorry!” yelled Pinkie Pie.
The ponies scattered as it leapt at them. Applejack kicked its knee. There was a loud metallic clank, and she cried out.
“Ow! It’s metal!”
It turned to her, growling and snapping. She dodged its bite and fled. It chased her. As she reached the wall, she vaulted off of it and landed on its back. She got her lasso around its neck and held on for dear life.
Twilight put her aura around its feet. The feet ran through the aura as if it wasn’t there. The wolf charged at her. She conjured up a brick wall right in front of it. It ran right through it. She gasped and startled back.
Rainbow Dash swooped and snatched Twilight up as the thing pounced at her position. Applejack was thrown off and landed on her side.
“Wait!” called Fluttershy to the wolf. “Stop! We’re not here to fight you!”
The wolf looked at her. It leapt to bite at her. She squeaked and flew back. It turned to set its sights on Rarity.
“Oh, dear.”
She put her aura on the sandy floor, and whipped up the sand in its face. She ran.
Radish banged his spear on the metal walls.
“Hey! Here!”
It ignored him. He galloped after it. Rainbow Dash blasted past him and snatched up Rarity. Radish looked up, and saw everypony was clinging to or hovering near the ceiling of the cage. Everypony but him.
“Radish!” cried Twilight. She threw her aura on him and yanked him skyward. The thing pounced for him and snapped its jaws at him. He curled himself around his spear.
It's mouth bit down, held open by the spear. The wolf landed with him in its maw. The spear bowed. It shook its head furiously, tossing Radish about inside its mouth. Radish fumbled for his machete and hacked away at the inside of the mouth, only to have it clang off every surface.
What is this thing? How can a whole creature be metal inside and out?
Twilight’s aura found him again and pulled him out of the mouth to join the others. He hooked his hooves around the ceiling bars.
“Thanks.”
“Don’t mention it.”
“How do we stop that thing?” asked Applejack.
“I don’t think it’s alive,” said Radish. “It’s some kind of machine.”
“Machines have off switches! Pinkie Pie! Keep hitting buttons!” called Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie Pie slapped her hooves across the control panel. Nozzles protruded from the walls and blasted jets of searing hot flames. Whirring circular saw blades jutted out of the floor. Darts shot across the arena. Dramatic opera music blared.
The wolf stuck its mouth over a sawblade and used it to dislodge the spear. It spit out the pieces. Then, it clamped down the blade, ripped it from the floor, held it to a flame jet to heat it until it was glowing red, then hurled it at the ponies. They dodged it, barely.
“PINKIE PIE! STOP HITTING BUTTONS!” howled Rarity.
“Rarity!” yelled Radish. “Scan the thing for gems!”
Rarity aimed her horn at it, and a glowing light was cast from the wolf. Its torso turned transparent, and a black sphere could be seen inside, wired to other pieces of its mechanical anatomy. It was pulsing rapidly.
“What is that?” asked Radish.
“It’s a dire pearl! Magically mutated, just as you said,” Rarity announced. “The power it contains is immense!”
"What, that's like, its heart?" asked Rainbow Dash.
“Wait,” said Radish. “Twilight! The heart-stopping spell!”
Twilight looked down at the wolf.
“That… could work! Okay, if we-”
Fluttershy yelped. The wolf had dug its claws into the walls and was climbing toward them.
“Move!”
They clambered across the cage away from the beast.
“Guys!” yelled Pinkie Pie. “There’s a button to electrify the bars! I can pump it up to maximum jiggo-watts!”
“Okay!” called Radish. “On three, we let go, and you shock it! Then, Twilight uses the heart-stop spell while it’s staggered!”
“Got it!” everypony called.
“One… two… HOLY-”
The beast leapt off the wall, snapping at the six. Radish and the girls let go and fell. The beast snapped its jaws onto the ceiling bars. Pinkie Pie slammed a button, and arcs of lightning crackled across the entire cage. The metal wolf twitched, unable to let go of the bars.
As the group fell, Twilight cast a spell to conjure a pile of pillows upon the floor. The ponies landed on them, sending feathers everywhere. The beast sparked and smoked overhead. The current stopped, and it fell off. The group narrowly leapt out of its way as it slammed into the ground. The metal plates comprising its skin were warped and curled. It continued to twitch.
Twilight raised her horn high, preparing her spell.
“I’m powering this up as high as I can! Everypony get clear!”
Her horn glowed bright as a floodlight. Black sparks poured out of it and wisps of purple flares encircled it. She staggered under the weight of her own power. The others backed away from her.
The beast’s eyes opened. It shakingly climbed to its feet and lumbered toward them.
“I need more time!” Twilight yelped.
Radish ran forward with his machete in his mouth. He dodged to the side as the beast snapped at him, and jammed the machete into an exposed section of its hip with all his strength. The beast twisted its body to swipe at him, and the entire rear half of its body buckled and fell apart into a mess of mechanical components.
Radish ran. The beast used its remaining two legs to leap snarling at him. Its jaws clamped onto his trousers. It yanked him off the ground and shook him like a chew toy. The material ripped apart and he went skidding into the dirt. The wolf loomed over him.
“Now!” Radish howled, skittering back.
Twilight shot off her spell. It sailed through the air as a crackling black sphere. The wolf saw it coming. It seized Radish by the scruff of his neck in its mouth and held him up in in the spell’s path as its shield.
The last thing Radish heard before the spell hit him was Twilight screaming.
The Only Mark That Matters
The next thing Radish heard was counting.
“Thirteen! Fourteen! Fifteen!”
He became aware of something repeatedly and painfully crushing into his ribcage. Then, something yanked open his mouth and pinched his nostrils closed. Something soft and wet enveloped his lips, and two blasts of warm moist air were forced down his throat. His eyes cracked open to see Rainbow Dash’s mouth on his own. Her eyes met his. She parted her lips from his, sat back, then looked over her shoulder.
“I’ve got obvious signs of life, here!” she called.
“Radish!” shouted Twilight Sparkle, putting her hooves on his shoulders with tears in her eyes. “I am so, so, sorry!”
“Ugh?”
“Land’s sakes! You did it, Rainbow!” said Applejack, clapping a hoof on Rainbow Dash’s back. “Yer a regular field medic!”
“It’s alive! IT’S ALIVE!” laughed Pinkie Pie maniacally.
“Lieutenant, how do you feel?” asked Rarity.
“Raghr…”
“Easy, now. You’ve just been wretched from the jaws of death, literally and figuratively,” she said. “Both you and the metal beast were hit by the heart-stopping spell. We have elected not to resuscitate it, however.”
“Hrhr?”
“Radish, I swear to you, I will never, ever, ever cast another heart-stopping spell as long as I live,” cried Twilight.
Radish took a deep breath. His chest was sore and his limbs were numb. He sat up with Twilight’s help. She held him gingerly and sobbed into his shoulder.
“I’m so ashamed. I was the only one here who never learned cardiopulmonary resuscitation. I almost killed you, and I didn’t even know enough to save you!”
Radish could feel himself slowly catch up to the world. He tried to form words, but couldn’t. Then, he felt cold air on his lower body, and realized his cutie marks were exposed. A surge of adrenaline jolted through him, and he twisted his body to hide one and covered the other with his hooves.
“No. Don’t. You don’t have to hide it,” said Twilight, wiping her eyes.
“That’s right. We ain’t never shamed a pony over their mark, much less a friend,” said Applejack, “and we ain’t a-gonna start now.”
“Honestly, ponies are so easily-offended these days,” said Rarity. “Why, your mark is daringly alternative! It would be the envy of Prance’s underground club scene.”
“Yeah, no big whoop,” said Rainbow Dash, shrugging. “At least it looks consensual.”
“Consensual?” laughed Pinkie Pie. “Celestia looks like she’s having the time of her life!”
“It’s… nice,” Fluttershy said.
“Thanks, all,” wheezed Radish. “What about the bat ponies?”
“They didn’t follow us,” said Twilight. “We might’ve scared them off.”
“Yeah, I’m sure they were terrified of us fallin’ into their deathtrap,” said Applejack.
Radish felt his chest.
“My pendant!”
“Yeah, sorry. The wolf fell on it,” said Twilight, gesturing to the remains of the beast. “We tried lifting it, but we can’t even budge it.”
“No! That was for the bat ponies to know Luna sent us!”
“What? Well, now what?”
Radish sighed. “We’ll just try to talk to them, pony to pony.”
“Come on,” said Pinkie Pie. “I got the doors open. We can get back upstairs. And look! Twilight’s ahead!”
She pointed to the wall panel. It read “TOURNAMENT SUSPENDED. TWILIGHT SPARKLE: 2 KILLS.”
Twilight’s ears drooped and she groaned. She put Radish’s hoof around her shoulder and supported him as they walked. They exited the area, walked through the rows of seats, and took stairs up to the control room. In its back was another door, which slid open to another hallway. It led back to the floor they had previously searched, through a door they had been unable to open from the other side.
“Okay, I know where we are,” said Twilight. “Come on. We’ll let you rest in Nightmare Moon’s bed.”
“But the bat ponies must still be around.”
“We’ll deal with them, okay?”
They walked on. Rainbow Dash walked near Twilight and Radish.
“Miss Dash?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for saving my life.”
“Well, I couldn’t just let you die. And don’t go around saying I was your first kiss, either. Rescue breaths don’t count.”
“Wasn’t my first, anyhow. But you have my gratitude.”
“Oh, really? Who was it? Not Celestia!” said Rainbow Dash.
“No.”
“Luna?”
“Heh. No.”
“Was it a buffalo?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Y… I can’t talk about it.”
“Really?” asked Twilight.
“I can’t talk about it,” he sighed.
Fluttershy lagged behind, pulling Rarity back with her. They stopped behind a corner.
“Rarity?”
“Yes, Fluttershy, dear?”
“It’s about Radish’s cutie mark.”
“Now, don’t be rude.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just, the way Celestia looks on it… can sex really feel that good?”
Rarity was taken aback, then smiled as she put her hoof around Fluttershy’s shoulders.
“Oh, darling! There’s a world of passion beyond the simple rutting of your woodland friends. Why, the right stallion… or, uh, mare?”
Fluttershy shook her head.
“Well, the right partner could make your world stop, or spin out of control.”
“Oh, my.”
“And then take you off to other worlds entirely. Worlds where pleasure is your key, your currency, your map, and your sustenance.”
“What?”
“And then he brings you to the very edge of all sanity, and you’re too afraid to take one more step, but more afraid still to take a step back. So you leap off!”
“Wait, I’m confused.”
“And you plunge. And he plunges with you. And you’d plunge for the rest of your life if you could.”
“Rarity?”
“Oh! Uh, but I believe you should start with something a little more gentle.”
“Do you think he and Princess Celestia will ever do that?”
“Well, it seems unlikely.”
“What do you think his cutie mark means?”
“I haven’t thought about it. Perhaps we’ll never know.”
“That’s sad for him.”
“Well, sounds like he could use a little kindness, no?”
“Oh. Hmm.”
Fluttershy hovered over to Radish as Twilight carried him.
“Um, Lieutenant Root? I’m glad you’re all right.”
“Thanks.”
“Thank you for fighting that machine monster. You were very brave.”
“It’s my duty.”
“I just want you to know, that even if you never get to have sex with Princess Celestia, I bet you’ll find a really nice partner just the same.”
“Oh. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
She flew off. Twilight sighed.
“Well, at least they’re not awkward about it anymore.”
They opened the door to the bedroom. The four bat ponies were curled up on the floor around Nightmare Moon’s bed. They raised their heads and hissed, stalking up around the group.
“Oh, heck,” said Twilight.
“Wait!” called Radish. “Nightmare Moon sent me!”
The bat ponies eyed him suspiciously. One crept close to them. He sniffed Radish. His eyes went wide in surprise.
“Echo! Vesper! Murk! Stop! This one smells of the mistress! He speaks the truth!”
The bat ponies surrounded Radish and sniffed him all over. He cringed.
“The mistress lives?” one asked.
“Yes. I have orders from her.”
The bat ponies lined up and kneeled before Radish.
“We feared her lost forever," one said. "What is her bidding?”
“The mistress has returned in a new form. She now rules the night from a tower at the palace in Canterlot,” said Radish.
“Just… the night? Just one tower?”
“It is her whim. We do not question it.”
“Yes. No. We do not question it.”
“Return with us to her side. You will be honored and rewarded for your long fealty.”
One of the bat ponies, the only female, sniffed at Rarity.
“You smell of the mistress’s perfume! Are you a consort of the mistress?”
Rarity stammered. The others nodded their heads at her.
“Oh, er, we get along famously.”
“And the rest of these?” one of the males asked, pointing to the others.
“They’re my porters. All in the mistress’s service,” Radish quickly said.
“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash with a proud smirk, “we’ve been carrying his weight all day.”
One of the other males peered suspiciously at Twilight. He sniffed her and gasped.
“That one, Envoy, is a spy! She smells of the evil one!”
“The evil one?” asked Radish.
“The sky-burner! The dark-chaser! The one the mistress seeks to overthrow!”
“Ugh, you just have to go and hug Celestia every time you see her,” said Pinkie Pie, annoyed.
“I do not!” protested Twilight. “Besides, how could they… wait!”
Twilight pulled her candy sticks from her bag.
“You’re smelling these! What do they smell like to you?”
The bat ponies sniffed the candies.
“Petitgrain!” the female hissed. “The evil one’s favored perfume!”
“Thanks!” said Twilight, writing it down. “That’s all of them!”
“The heck is petitgrain?” asked Applejack.
“It’s orange leaves and twigs, dear, all crushed up,” replied Rarity.
“What? Who wants to smell like that?” scoffed Applejack.
“Huh, so that’s what that is,” said Radish. He addressed the bat ponies. “The evil one is evil no longer. She has come around to the mistress’s side.”
“Impossible! The mistress said she was beyond all redemption!”
“Oh yeah? Behold!” said Radish.
Radish turned, brushed the fur on his flank straight, and showed off his cutie mark. The bat ponies gathered around him to look at it. They laughed uproariously.
“The evil one is reduced to this?” one howled.
“This is her role now?” guffawed another.
“She looks like she’s having the time of her life, huh?” asked Radish.
Twilight scowled. Pinkie Pie laughed into Rainbow Dash’s chest. Applejack hid her face behind her hat.
The female bat pony stared at Radish’s cutie mark, mouth agape. Her face looked flushed.
“The Envoy’s boudoir skills must be advanced,” she said. “May others partake?”
“Oh, uh…” stammered Radish.
Fluttershy put a hoof around her shoulders and whispered something in her ear. The female bat pony’s eyes and wings went wide.
“We will leave for Canterlot at once!” she yelled. “Come!”
The bat ponies led them back to the hangar. One of them screeched at the floor, and another trap door opened. A large carriage slowly raised out of the floor.
“Come. Into the carriage,” one said.
“Whoo-hoo! Riding in style!” said Pinkie Pie.
“Nice craftsponyship,” said Applejack, kicking its wheels.
“Nice enough to hold together after a thousand years?” asked Fluttershy.
“You question the sturdiness of the mistress’s conveyance?” hissed a male bat pony.
“No,” she squeaked.
“Envoy! Consort! Enter. Take your pick of seats,” he said, opening the carriage door while the rest hitched themselves onto its harnesses.
“Well,” said Rarity. “at least being a consort has its privileges.”
She entered the carriage and took a rear window seat. Radish stepped forward, but was held back by Twilight.
“Radish, when we get back to the palace, I want you to turn me in.”
“For?”
“Killing you!”
“I’m alive.”
“No thanks to me! Please, I can’t go unpunished for casting lethal dark magic on a royal guard! I can’t allow myself to receive special treatment! I’ll take whatever punishment I get.”
“Okay, I’ll tell Shining Armor you killed me.”
“Promise?”
“Don’t worry.”
“Thank you, Radish,” she said, nuzzling him. “Visit me in prison, okay?”
“Okay.”
He entered the carriage and took the other rear window seat. The bat pony slammed the door shut and walked over to the harnesses.
“Hey!” called Radish from inside.
“Uh, forgetting someponies?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“The carriage is for the Mistress’s favored own. Porters may walk home.”
He finished harnessing himself.
“Now, wait just a minute!” said Twilight. “You’re not going to… hey!”
The bat ponies took off with the carriage, leaving Twilight, Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash in the hangar. They watched it go, dumbfounded.
“Hey! Stop! Turn around!” called Radish. The bat ponies either could not hear him, or acted like they could not. He and Rarity looked at each other.
“Oh dear,” she said. “I believe we’ve had a miscommunication.”
Radish looked out the window. They were hundreds of feet in the night sky, with the shadowy landscape speeding underneath them. The Mountains of Difficult Terrain were becoming a distant speck on the dark horizon. Radish’s hoof went to the door handle.
“Don’t open it! We’ll be sucked out!” cried Rarity.
“Well, what do I do? I’m botching the mission as we speak!”
“Are you, Radish? The mission is to get those bat ponies back to Canterlot. And so you are.”
“But we left the others behind!”
“Yes, an hour’s hike from Glad’s Glades, which is lovely in the morning. We bought round-trip train tickets with flexible dates for a reason, dear. Now only ours will go to waste. The others will simply take the scenic route home.”
“How can you be so calm about this? Celestia will be furious I left Twilight behind! The captain will kill me! I’ll be kicked out of the Guard!”
“Oh, please, Radish,” she said, putting a reassuring hoof on his shoulder. “Surely they don’t expect perfection on your first outing?”
“Rarity, they barely tolerate me there as it is. I was hoping to impress them on this. Now I’ll be back to scrubbing tunnels, if I’m lucky.”
“The six of us will vouch for you. Take the fall for you, if need be. Princess Celestia can’t fire us- we don’t work for her.”
“Wait, the six of you don’t get paid for being the Elements of Harmony?”
“Well, a stipend. Tax-free, though.”
“That’s pretty good.”
“Listen, if you are loosed from her majesty’s service, you could come live in Ponyville. I’m sure Twilight wouldn’t mind having you close by,” she said, nudging him and winking.
“Rarity, I think you got the wrong idea about us.”
“Oh dear, was I pushing something that wasn’t there?”
“Yeah.”
“I do apologize. I get carried away with affairs of the heart sometimes. Was there somepony else, then?”
Radish looked at his cutie mark.
“Oh,” Rarity said. “Radish, I must be honest. I just don’t see that happening. I’ve been the target of a precocial crush or two, and believe me, they don’t work out. And it’s not as flattering to the crushee as you’d think.”
“Huh. Sorry.”
“For what?”
“Nothing. She’s just… hard to get over.”
“No doubt. But you have a lot to offer some lucky mare out there.”
"But what mare is going to want a guy with... this?" he asked, pointing to his mark.
"Oh, pish-posh, darling! Any girl who rejects you over your cutie mark never deserved you in the first place. I truly believe there's someone for everyone, and I just know that you'll find that special someone who appreciates every piece of you."
“Hmm. Thank you, Rarity.”
“Not at all. You know, I think I’ll swear off matchmaking my friends. I’m hardly a romance expert, anyway.”
“Really? I figured you were popular with guys.”
“Well, you’ll think me an awful hypocrite, but I have my sights set on a rather high-stationed pony myself. Celestia’s nephew.”
“Oh, that guy?”
“You know him?”
“No, he rarely visits Canterlot. He lives in a villa by the Marediterranean Sea.”
“Really!? Oh, it must be gorgeous! Can’t you just picture us there, sipping sangria on a white sand beach?”
“I could try to get you insider knowledge of the guy. Maybe put in a good word about you around the palace?”
“Ooh, I appreciate the thought, but these things must be handled delicately. I don’t want to seem over-eager.”
“What, you don’t just walk up to royalty and proposition them?”
They both laughed. Rarity pulled out a deck of cards.
“I bought these at the train station for the ride home. Do you play canasta?”
“Is that like gin?”
“I don’t know. But seeing as we’re hours from Canterlot by wing, we have time to teach each other both games.”
They played cards as the world swept by under them. The air rushing over the carriage made no sound. The lands below were a dark abyss with a few lights from scattered towns. Moonlight shone off rippling lake surfaces. Radish felt himself growing calmer.
“We’re coming up on Canterlot,” said Rarity. “Oh, soaring above it at night! How breathtaking!”
They looked out the window to see the lights of Canterlot. The streets were ribbons of amber, and the buildings glowed gold from within.
A loud whistle split the night. “CITY WATCH! Stop and open up!”
They looked out the window to see pegasi of the City Watch angrily surrounding them, shining bright beams from their flashlights into the carriage. The bat ponies reared up mid-air, hissing. An argument ensued that Radish could only half-hear. Nightmare Moon evidently did not imbue her minions with a respect for municipal authorities.
“Oh dear, did we need to file a flight plan for this?” asked Rarity. “Or were we speeding?”
Radish cracked open the door.
“Hey! I’m lieutenant of the Royal Guard! We’re on a mission for the princesses!”
One of the watchponies yelled an expletive at Radish.
“Well!” chuffed Rarity. “So much for the supposed helpfulness of the Watch!”
The bat ponies then dove, dragging the carriage straight down. Radish and Rarity were pressed to its back. They held each other and screamed. The carriage swooped, flying straight along the ground, dodging and weaving the buildings and traffic of Canterlot’s downtown.
The palace was coming up rapidly. The royal guards on the parapets and in the sky saw them coming. They dodged as the carriage blasted past them.
Radish noticed the sun rising. Somewhere in the palace, Celestia was awake, working, and probably watching. Radish wondered if she was hanging her head and sighing at his incompetence.
Radish heard the bat ponies screech. They swooped low again, coming to a stop under one of the bridges in the palace commons. They flew up to the underside of the bridge and latched onto its stones. The carriage dangled underneath them like a pendulum. Radish and Rarity fell on their backs onto the rear of the carriage. Radish kicked open a door, and it broke off its hinges.
“Hey! What are y’all doing!?”
One of the bat ponies answered. “The sky fire is up! We sleep now!”
“Are you kidding me? We’re like fifty meters from Luna’s tower! The Mistress is right- uh oh.”
The carriage creaked. The creaks became groans. The groans became the snapping of timbers.
“Radish, I’d like to get out now,” said Rarity.
“Jump for it! Get clear!”
They bolted out the door into the stream under the bridge. The carriage fell apart and collapsed into the stream, splashing Rarity and Radish out of it. The bat ponies looked down at them.
“Envoy! Consort! Are you hurt?”
“Lieutenant Root? Miss Rarity?”
Radish looked up. Several guards were now surrounding them, brandishing their weapons. Radish stood and shook the water off of himself.
“It’s us, fellas.”
The guards relaxed. Radish helped Rarity out of the stream.
“Could somepony escort Miss Rarity here to a guest room? Draw her a bath and light the fireplace.”
“Oh, how courteous," she said. "Thank you, Radish.”
“Lieutenant? What happened out there? What are… whoa! Are those bat ponies? They really exist?”
The guards looked up at the bat ponies hanging upside down from the masonry. They were huddling together in shadow.
“Silence, day slaves! We sleep now!” one called.
“Yeah,” sighed Radish. “I’m going to towel off and report in. Just let them sleep up there, I guess. Keep the tourists off this bridge.”
“Speaking of which, Root, you might want to get back in uniform,” said a guard. “We’ve got schools here on field trips.”
Radish looked at his cutie marks. Even soaking wet, their subject matter was plain as day.
“Right.”
“So, Root. Let’s recap,” said Shining Armor, staring at Radish’s preliminary report on his desk.
Radish kept silent.
“You took Equestria’s premier team of heroes, including my little sister, out into the mountains, and left most of them, including my little sister, behind to fend for themselves in one of the most dangerous dark magic locations on the planet. You lost every piece of equipment you were given, including a customized prototype spear, a one-of-a-kind, thousand-year-old-pendant, and your own pants.
“You unleased dangerous creatures on Canterlot without prepping them in any way, nearly killing watchponies and your fellow guards. You left them to sleep under the west bridge, forcing everyone to take the long way around the commons all day. You wrecked an antique carriage and left its remains in the palace creek for maintenance to clean up. And you somehow started a rumor that Rarity and Luna are lovers.”
Radish remained silent. Shining Armor shrugged.
“Frankly, I expected Twilight to bring you home in a body bag, so at least you did better than that. You got the bat ponies back, everyone’s safe, and the palace scholars are champing at the bit over the chance to study Nightmare Moon’s lab. And it’s nice that the Guard gets some representation on missions like these.”
Radish still kept silent.
“So, B minus. Didn’t screw it up.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Once the bat ponies and Luna are awake, go reintroduce them. Then we’ll consider the mission complete.”
“Yes, sir.”
“How did Twilight perform out there?”
“She’s a skilled team leader and an impressive spellcaster.”
"There were no magical mishaps? Miscast spells?"
"Uh..."
"On your honor as a guard, and on your oath to Equestria?”
Radish sighed.
“Twilight used a heart-stopping spell from Nightmare Moon's spellbook on the machine wolf. I let myself get caught in the line of fire. It stopped my heart. Rainbow Dash resuscitated me.”
“Twilight literally killed you."
“Well, I’ll live.”
“You didn’t think to put this in the report?”
“I reported on Nightmare Moon’s lair and the bat ponies- that was the mission. I didn’t think I’d have to include every single thing the others did. I didn’t include Pinkie Pie’s song, either.”
“She really sings on these things? Like, spontaneously?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Root, Twilight is never going to grow if others run interference for her. She can’t be shielded from the consequences of her actions, no matter how special she is.”
“What are the consequences, sir?”
“My guess is, Princess Celestia will give her a stern talking-to, an essay assignment, and a service project.”
“I see.”
“And you are going to review mission reporting protocol. I never want to have to ask you twice for the whole truth again.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Dismissed. See a doctor about your heart.”
Radish left Shining Armor’s office. Shining Armor looked down at Radish’s report. He thought it wasn’t bad for a guard’s first, despite omissions and some questionable grammatical choices. He closed the folder.
“Protect her to the last breath, huh?” he muttered. “And after, apparently.”
Dozens of guards and staff stood waiting in the commons as the day’s last light vanished behind the horizon. They watched the west bridge and the top of Selenic Spire. Radish stood under the bridge looking up.
There was a series of screeches from under the bridge. The four bat ponies shot out from under it. They immediately saw Radish dove at him, taking a hovering position above him.
“Envoy! The night returns! We finish our journey to the mistress,” one said.
“Okay, let’s go,” Radish said. He pointed at Selenic Spire. “She’s up there.”
“Where is the mistress’s consort? The one named Rarity?”
The crowd gasped, muttered, giggled, and whispered.
“She’ll, uh, stop by later,” Radish said uneasily.
“So be it!”
One of the bat ponies grabbed Radish and dragged him skyward. He yelped, then gave up trying to reason with him.
They hovered in front of Luna’s balcony.
“Mistress! We have returned!”
Luna stepped forth from her bedroom. She was wearing a black cloak concealing her entire body, and had the hood pulled down over her face.
Her royal voice thundered out.
“ECHO! VESPER! MURK! NOCTURN! WELCOME HOME, MINIONS!” bellowed Luna. Radish clamped his hooves over his ears as the sheer force of sound pushed the bat ponies back. “THY MISTRESS CELEBRATES THY RETURN! THOU WILT BE REWARDED FOR THY FAITHFULNESS!”
The bat ponies landed with Radish on the balcony, and kneeled.
“Thank you, mistress! We missed you!”
“THERE IS MUCH TO DISCUSS, MUCH TO PREPARE, AND MUCH TO LEARN! WE HAVE MANY NEW TASKS FOR THEE IN THIS MODERN WORLD!”
“We will complete your tasks!”
“GO NOW INTO THE NIGHT AND FEAST TO YOUR CONTENT! THE INSECTS OF CANTERLOT HAVE GROWN FAT AND SLOW!”
“Thank you, mistress!”
The three male bat ponies flew off into the night. The female one lingered, looking back at Radish.
“MORE TO SAY, HAVE THEE, VESPER?”
“Mistress, what must one do to partake of the Envoy as your sister does?”
Luna looked at Radish. He gave an uncomfortable shrug.
“I SAID GO FEED!”
She skittered off the balcony and flew into the night.
Radish’s ears were ringing. Luna approached him and threw off her cloak.
“RADISH ROOT, YOU- ahem. Radish Root. Thy quest was successful. Congratulations.”
“What?” asked Radish, his ears still ringing.
“Ah, we apologize for our use of our proper royal voice. Nightmare Moon used it for them, thus the necessity tonight. We shall eventually teach the bat ponies to respond to commands at a lower volume.”
“Oh, I see.”
“May we see the pendant?”
“A giant mechanical wolf destroyed it.”
Luna frowned.
“Radish Root, that is a shame. We were going to let thee keep it in reward. Its value would have bought thee a mansion.”
“Oh…”
“In its stead, we will give thee a boon of a land grant.”
“Land? Really?”
“Truly. Behold.”
She walked over to the telescope mounted on her balcony. She aimed it at the moon and looked through it, adjusting the focus.
“Come, see.”
Radish looked through the eyepiece.
“Dost thou see that dark spot in the center? ‘Tis called the Sea of Omens. ‘Tis thine now.”
Radish stared.
“Really? Part of the moon now just… belongs to me?”
“We will file the papers in the morning.”
“Thank you!”
“Thanks are not needed.”
Radish bowed.
“One more thing,” said Luna. “Thou will not fraternize intimately with Vesper. The bat ponies are brood siblings, and thou art now of their brethren, too.”
“Oh. Okay. Wait, siblings? Wow, I’ve never had siblings before.”
Luna leaned down to him.
“It is not always easy.”
Radish Root sat in his bunk, staring at his deed of ownership for the Sea of Omens, which he had framed and hung on the wall over his bed.
“Hey, Root. You got a package.”
The palace’s mail clerk tossed Radish a heavy rectangular box. Radish caught the box in his lap, causing his eyes to bulge.
“Thanks,” he groaned.
It was from Twilight. He opened it. Inside was half of a big block of salt, and a letter.
Dear Radish,
We did it! We got all the ingredients of the Celestial blend. As promised, here’s half the prize. Would you be so kind as to share some with the bat ponies? They got the last ingredient, after all.
I also gave Bon Bon a good talking-to about using games to make fun of others, especially brave and noble members of her majesty’s Guard. She agreed to make up for it by starting on a Lunar blend recipe. If you have suggestions about what should go into it, please let me know.
P.S., Thank you for keeping your word and turning me in. Shining Armor and Princess Celestia were furious, and they have every right to be. I’m not being arrested, but I am on academic probation- which mean Princess Celestia will be keeping a much closer eye on my independent studies. It’s a small price to pay for never having to worry about killing a friend again. I’m also going to be learning field first aid.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
Radish filed the letter in his footlocker and looked at his calendar pinned to the wall. He made a small note on the date.
My first successful mission, he thought. Hopefully not the last.
He lay back in his bed and closed his eyes, wondering about what was yet to come.
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Luna lay back in her balcony lounge chair, sipping white wine. She gazed up at the evening sky, smiling.
"Sister, you look happy," said Celestia, dropping onto the balcony next to her.
"I am most happy, indeed!" said Luna, floating her sister a glass of wine. "The bat ponies are safe and sound, I have completed another step towards undoing Nightmare Moon's dark deeds, and my Champion has proven my trust in him to be well-placed."
"I'm glad everything turned out all right."
"It seems not even a fatal blow from your champion could stop him from completing his mission."
"You're going to hold that over me forever, aren't you?"
Luna smirked and took another sip. "Nay. Lieutenant Root begged my forgiveness on the girl's behalf. I assented."
"Thank you, Luna."
"I share much of the blame, anyway. I had forgotten some of the dangers in Nightmare Moon's lair. And I believe there are still many more perils lurking within. For this reason, I want it sealed, with all entry barred."
"Twilight's already helped with that. She brought this back for you."
Celestia gave Luna an ancient ruby, the key for the lair's door.
"Good."
"Luna... about Radish..."
Luna sighed and rolled onto her side. "I know what you are going to say. He has held the same post for far too long. A guard should never get too comfortable in one role, and this mission has proven he is capable of so much more. You want me to end his stint on The Night Shift."
"No, I was going to say you can have him for as long as you want."
"No... I cannot, for his sake. Most training occurs during the day, doesn't it? By working only nights, he is falling behind his fellow guards. The longer he guards my door, the less suited for it he becomes."
"True. But we can always find a workaround."
"There is no workaround for destiny. I do not know what that boy's destiny is, but I do know that he will never find it standing alone in my dark hallway, night after night."
"Listen, Luna-"
"I will still require his assistance up until my debut. After that, I will make a decision about his future."
"Very well."
Something in the night sky caught Celestia's eye. The four bat ponies dropped down onto the balcony.
"Good evening, mistress!" they said as one, bowing to Luna.
"Greetings, minions. You remember my sister, Celestia? Celestia, allow me to introduce Echo, Vesper, Nocturn, and Murk."
"Hello, evil one!" they said.
Luna held in a snicker. Celestia rolled her eyes.
"I prefer 'your highness', if you don't mind."
Vesper approached Celestia and sniffed her. "Your highness, you do not smell of the Envoy. Have you been neglecting your sensual duties to him?"
Luna burst with laughter. Celestia scowled.
"You will clear this matter up, won't you, sister?"
"But of course."
Celestia approached the bat ponies and loomed over them. "Well, now that we've been formally introduced, perhaps we could discuss a certain midnight raid on my personal vault, roughly a thousand years ago? Several valuable items were stolen that I'd like to see again."
The bat ponies shared nervous glances. Luna gulped.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat on a bench in a quiet spot by the castle's lake, watching a wren hop around the sedges. He heard light hoofprints approaching from behind, and turned to see Twilight.
"Hi," she softly said.
"Hi, Twilight. What brings you here?"
"The girls and I wanted to come visit you. Basically, a friendship follow-up. We split up to look for you. How are you feeling?"
"The doc says I'm fine. But he prescribed me a few days off anyway. And some of these."
He held up a half-empty pill bottle and read its label. "For maintaining regular myocardial rhythm following moderate to severe curses."
She groaned. She sat next to him on the bench, and pulled a thermos out of her bag. "I brought you something. Zecora says that nettle tea is good for the heart."
"Really? The buffalo say it's good for the liver."
"Well, hopefully it's good for something."
She poured him a capful. He sipped it. "It's sure not good for the mouth. How are things between you and Princess Celestia?"
"Still tense. I just dropped off my next month's syllabus for her approval. I'm back to a really basic curriculum. Mostly studying fundamental theory."
"Sorry."
"Don't be. I like it. In fact... I had this idea that I wanted to run by you."
"What do you mean?"
"Now that I'll be spending most of my time doing research, I could devote some of that research to cutie mark magic. Maybe I could help you figure out what yours mean."
Radish sighed. "Twilight, Celestia said cutie mark experts tried to figure them out. They never got anywhere."
"But that was years ago. There's always more to learn. Maybe new relevant data has come to light in the meantime."
"I don't want you worrying about it. Please, let it go, okay?"
"Okay. But if I come across something, I'll write you."
"All right."
Radish sipped his tea. "I'm starting to like this stuff."
"Some things just take a little patience and understanding."
"You don't have to turn everything into a friendship lesson, you know."
"Sorry, force of habit. I'm going to go find the others. Stay here, okay?"
"Sure."
She left, and Radish waited, sipping more tea. A sudden urgency reminded him why nettle tea was said to be good for so many different organs.
Oh, right. It's a diuretic.
He rushed to the nearest bathroom. Upon exiting, he heard a bouncing noise approaching him down the hall.
"Radish!" shouted Pinkie Pie, springing up to him. She threw herself on the ground before him and held up two hooves pleadingly. "I am so, so, so sorry! Please forgive me!"
"For what?"
"We've been friends for days now, and I haven't even given you the questionnaire!"
"The what?"
She pulled out a quill and a composition notebook. "First up, when's your birthday?"
"It's... wait. Is this a party thing?"
"No, this is your party thing! I prepare a party-planning preference profile for all my pals!" She looked back at her notebook. "I'm also gonna need to know your favorite flavor of punch, what you want your piñata shaped as, whether or not you want it to be a surprise..."
"How could it be a surprise if I ask for it?"
"You let me worry about that! I'm full of surprises!"
"Pinkie Pie, I don't really make a big deal out of my birthday."
"Ha! Good one! Now, what did you do for your last birthday? Be specific- I need to top it."
"Well, I was living alone on the plains. Ranger Command sent me a dram of whiskey for my birthday. I woke up before the break of dawn and used it to toast the sun as it crested over the horizon. It was my way of feeling connected to Celestia- I had this small hope that she could somehow see me through the sun, and would smile upon the gesture."
Pinkie Pie dropped her quill and notebook, frowning. She slowly walked over to Radish and hugged him tightly. "Radish, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard."
"Well, it was good whiskey."
She patted him on the head. "You don't need to worry about feeling connected to Celestia now. She'll be first on the guest list."
"You don't have to do that."
"I'll make it a pool party. Just imagine her emerging from the pool, her dripping wet fur clinging to her every curve..."
"Please stop."
"...then the two of you partner up for chicken fights, and she sits her thighs on your shoulders..."
"October tenth."
After finishing all six pages of Pinkie Pie's questionnaire, Radish continued his way down the hall back to the lake. Rarity trotted around a corner and cheerfully waved at him.
"Lieutenant! There you are!"
"Hello, Rarity."
"I'm glad I found you. I just had to give you your gift in person!"
"Gift?"
"You didn't think I'd let you go unrewarded for everything you did on the mission, did you?"
"Oh, that's not necessary."
"Of course it's not necessary , darling. That's what makes it a gift!"
She pulled out a small gift box and passed it to Radish. He opened it to find a square of cloth.
"Oh! A bandana!"
"A pocket square , dear." She pointed at the pattern, a jagged, tessellated black-and-white design. "It's houndstooth! A fierce, striking pattern for a fiercely-striking stallion!"
"Wow, thank you."
"Not at all."
Radish looked around, then bent in low and motioned for her to come into whispering distance. "Just so you know, word among the maids is that Celestia's nephew just got out of a relationship. He's going stag to the Gala."
She grabbed him by both shoulders and shook him excitedly. "Really!? Oh, Radish! You're a doll! That's wonderful news!"
She let him go. "Oh dear, if word of this is already out, every eligible lady in the kingdom will be on the hunt."
"Come on, you're a national hero. Who can compete with that?"
"Oh, that's very kind of you to say. But there's no harm in scoping out the competition as long as I'm in town, is there?"
"I'm rooting for you."
"Is that a pun?"
"Not intended."
"Good. Ta ta, Radish." She turned to go, then turned back and grinned. "Ooh! I've got a fabulous idea! Once I've become a princess, I could have you transferred to our villa!"
"Transferred?"
"Think of the fun we'll have! You can guard us at the beach, on the yacht, on the roque court..."
"The what?"
"And," she said, putting a hoof over her stomach and smiling down at it, "when I'm expecting foals, there's no one I'd want guarding me more than you."
"Ugh, that's... oh, wait. That's actually a really nice compliment. Thank you."
"You are welcome, Radish."
She took her leave. Radish put his new pocket square in his pocket, trying to intuit its purpose. Barrel Roller rounded the same corner Rarity had appeared from. He quickly saluted her.
"Root, you gonna be okay in time for the Gala?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Good. You're on crowd monitoring. South wall. Shouldn't be too bad."
"Aye, ma'am."
"And you should advise your friend Miss Rarity not to get her hopes up."
"Oh?"
"And neither should you- the prince doesn't use royal guards. He has a team of privately-hired bodyguards. All female."
"Sheesh."
"Don't 'sheesh' the royal family, Root."
"Yes, ma'am."
Radish took a door out of the building to find Applejack outside, staring at a palace map and scratching her head.
"Applejack?"
"Oh, Radish! I was lookin' for ya! I brought'cha somethin'." She pulled a jar from her bag and gave it to him. It contained what looked like a gelatinous rainbow. "It's zap apple jam. We always hang onto a few jars from each batch for special gifts."
"Applejack, I can't accept this. It's too precious. Your family's zap apple jam is legendary."
"Well, you can't return it. There's no receipt."
"Thank you."
"Ain't no biggie." She looked back down at her map. "Hey, Radish, maybe you could help me with this- I'm tryin' to figure out where to put my food stand for the Gala. Do y'know a spot that'd get a lot of hoof traffic all night?"
"Well, what's your packet say?"
"Packet?"
"When you applied for a vendor's permit, you should've got-"
"Applied? Permit?"
"Applejack, you did get permission for your stand, didn't you?"
"Uh, let's say I didn't..."
"All the slots would've filled up on the first day!"
"Radish, I need this! Can you pull some strings for me?"
"What strings? I'm a lieutenant. You're an Element of Harmony. You have more strings than I do."
"Hey, you're right! I'm goin' straight to the top with this. Thanks again, Radish."
"Wait, straight to the top of what?"
Applejack galloped off. Radish watched her go with an uneasy grimace. He turned around to see Rainbow Dash standing right behind him.
"Gah!"
"Radish. Gotta talk to you."
"Okay. What about?"
"I, uh... got this in the mail." She held up a reward certificate. It had the Wonderbolts insignia at the top, gold foil decorating the margins, and her name printed in the middle. "The Wonderbolts send these out to civilians who save lives with their resuscitation techniques. And they sent me one for saving yours."
"Congrats."
"You told them?"
"It's a standard form. Part of mission reporting protocol."
She threw her hooves around his neck and squeezed him. "I can't thank you enough! This is going to put me so far into their good graces!" She let him go and nudged him with an elbow. "Hey, you didn't just do this to get a real kiss, did you?"
"Are you offering?"
She slugged his shoulder. "Ha. No. But you can have this." She pulled out an autographed headshot of herself. "This is proof that we were friends before I became the Wonderbolts' number one hotshot. Hang onto it. It'll be worth a lot some day."
"Aww. Thanks. That's good, too."
Radish returned to the bench by the lake to find Fluttershy already sitting in it. The wren was perched on her hoof, chirping at her.
"Fluttershy?"
"Oh, hi, Radish!" She whispered something to the wren, and it returned to the sedges. "I brought you this. I brewed it myself."
She gave Radish a thermos, smiling proudly. He opened it and took a whiff.
"Oh, is this-"
"It's nettle tea. It's supposed to be good for the heart."
"Why, thank you."
He screwed the cap back on and started to put it in his bag. Fluttershy frowned.
"Oh, you're not going to have some? You don't like it?"
"No, it's not that, it's..."
She looked on the verge of tears. Radish sighed, took off the cap, and downed it all in one gulp.
"Wow, that's fantastic."
She brightened. "I knew you'd like it! I made it extra-strength."
"Oh..."
"Have you seen Twilight?"
"She went looking for you five."
"Oh? I should go find her!"
"She'll probably-"
Fluttershy had already flown off. Radish watched her go, then bolted for the restroom again.
Radish returned to the lake just as Twilight came back.
"Sorry, Radish. I couldn't find the others. Are you okay? You're shaking."
"Just a little dehydrated."
"Well, the six of us were going to have dinner in town tonight. Can you come?"
"Sure, I-"
"I asked Shining Armor to come, too..."
"Oh. You know-"
"...but he said he's too busy."
"Yes, I can come."
"Great!"
Radish returned to his bunk room and started putting his gifts from the girls in his footlocker.
"Hey, Rad," said Spats, peeking down from the top bunk, "how was your day?"
"Not bad. Met with some friends. Gonna have dinner with them later."
"That's nice. Is that a new pocket square?"
"Yeah. Do you know what they're for?"
"They give a stallion a touch of class."
"Wow, my first touch of class. Want some zap apple jam?"
"Look at all that stuff- drinks, food, accessories, autographs... the ladies just shower you with gifts, don't they? What's your secret?"
"Well, they got me killed."
"Never mind, then."
The Only Mark That Matters
“This meeting of the Cutie Mark Crusaders is now in session,” said Apple Bloom, banging a gavel on the clubhouse lectern. “Girls, we’ve got some major business this time. Scootaloo?”
Scootaloo took her place at the lectern. She cleared her throat. “We’ve learned that there’s a cutie mark conundrum that’s been chronically under-chronicled.”
She stuck a crayon drawing of a stallion to the board behind her.
“This is Radish Root. He’s a guard at the royal palace. Apparently, there's something wrong with his cutie mark, but nopony will tell us what it is. In fact, they act downright suspicious about it! Crusaders, we’ve got a cutie mark conspiracy on our hooves!”
“Oooh,” said the other two.
“What do you think is wrong with his mark?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Maybe it’s an activity that’s too dangerous to do, like shark wrestling!” responded Scootaloo.
“How could he get it unless he wrestled a shark in the first place?” asked Apple Bloom.
“He could’ve started with a baby shark,” reasoned Scootaloo.
“Maybe it’s an activity that got outlawed. So now he can’t do it anymore,” suggested Sweetie Belle.
“What activity has been outlawed like that?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Uh… lawn darts, I think?” Sweetie Belle said.
“Maybe it’s a mark for supervillainy. He’s been trying to take over Equestria since he was a kid!” offered Scootaloo.
“Then why would the Royal Guard hire him?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Out of fear!”
“I think we need more information,” said Apple Bloom.
“I tried asking Rarity,” said Sweetie Belle. “She just said that Radish is ‘a sweet gentlecolt who deserves his privacy’.”
“Suspicious,” said Apple Bloom.
“I asked Rainbow Dash, but she said not to worry my pretty little head about it. Then she said ‘Catch ya later’ and zoomed off super fast!” said Scootaloo.
“Even more suspicious!” said Sweetie Belle.
“I asked Applejack,” said Apple Bloom, “but she just said-”
“Now, you listen. Radish’s cutie marks ain’t none of y’alls concern, ya hear?”
“That right! How did you-”
The three fillies turned to see Applejack standing in the doorway of their clubhouse.
“I mean it, girls. You leave Radish Root alone.”
“But why won’t anypony tell us what’s wrong with his marks?” asked Scootaloo.
“There ain’t nothin’ wrong with them. Some folks are just private about their flanks, and y’all should learn to respect that.”
“Have you seen them?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Well… that don’t matter.”
“You have to tell us what they are,” asserted Apple Bloom.
“No, I certainly do not .”
“Oh yeah?” said Apple Bloom, pulling out a stack of wide-ruled loose leaf covered in marker scribbles. “The official charter of the Cutie Mark Crusaders states that part of our mission is to collect all available information regarding cutie mark accomplishment and failure. What if our cutie marks have the same problem his do?”
Applejack laughed. “Well, if that happens… uh, never you mind.”
“Sis, I’m afraid our duty is clear. We’re gettin’ to the bottom of this.”
“It don’t matter none, anyhow. He’s in Canterlot. What are you gonna do, take the train all by yourselves, walk right into the palace, and demand to see him?”
The three crusaders looked at each other.
“You’re right, sis,” said Apple Bloom. “We certainly can’t do a thing like that.”
“Darn tootin’.”
“Hey, Radish. Three kids from Ponyville are here demanding to see you,” said Maple Bar, trotting into the palace breakroom.
Radish spit out his pretzel. A cold sweat formed on his scalp.
“Tell them I’m not available.”
“I already told them you are.”
“Maple Bar, I don’t want to talk to them.”
“They said they can wait all day if they have to.”
“Then they’ll wait all day.”
“I think they’re unescorted.”
“Then report them to Guest Relations.”
“No, I'm on break. Just go see your nieces or whatever.”
She sat down with a cola and a nougat bar. Radish made an angry grunt and left the breakroom. He met the Cutie Mark Crusaders in the front commons.
“Young ladies.”
“Howdy there! You’re Radish Root, ain’tcha?” Apple Bloom cheerfully asked.
“How can I help you?”
“We’re from Ponyville. We call ourselves the ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders’,” said Scootaloo.
“I know. Twilight’s written me about you. Sorry, but I can’t help you get your cutie marks.”
“That’s not why we’re here. We wanna know about your cutie mark,” she said.
“No. Now, if there’s nothing else I can help you with-”
“Now, don’t be like that. We heard there was something unusual about it,” said Apple Bloom.
“It’s fine .”
“Really? Because everyone acts really funny when we ask about it,” Sweetie Belle squeaked.
“That’s fine . It doesn’t matter.”
“How can you say that about your cutie mark? Don’t you know what we’ve been going through trying to get ours?” asked Apple Bloom.
“It’ll happen when it happens.”
“But it happened wrong for you, didn’t it? What if it happens wrong for us, too?” asked Sweetie Belle.
Radish’s face fell.
“It didn’t go wrong for me. I’m fine .”
“But do you even get to do what’s on your mark?” Scootaloo asked.
“No. But I’m fine with that .”
“How can it be fine if you never use your special talent?” asked Apple Bloom. “Doesn’t it bother you every time you look at it? Don’t-”
“Now look here! It doesn’t matter what my cutie mark is!” he snapped, angrily advancing on them. “The only mark that matters is the mark a pony leaves on the world, and that’s what I’m trying to do here as a guard! The whole flank picture thing is just for… just for…”
The girls gripped each other and cowered away from him. He took a breath and sighed.
“Look, girls. The cutie mark is just one part of a pony. It’s one you can’t even see without craning your neck. Buffalo do fine without them. Dragons do fine without them. There are more important parts of a pony- your brains, your guts, your heart. Just… focus on making those the best you can. The rest will take care of itself. Okay?”
The girls mumbled an “okay” under their breaths.
“Dash,” said Radish, looking up, “could you see them home?”
“Did you say, ‘Dash’?” asked Scootaloo.
Rainbow Dash slipped off the roof behind them and dropped to the ground in front of Radish.
“Okay,” she said, “how did you know I was up there?”
“Saw your shadow.”
“Well, it’s not like I can control where the sun is. Yet.”
“Rainbow Dash!” said Scootaloo, excitedly buzzing her wings. “What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you three. I can’t believe you came all the way here to bother Radish! Now, apologize to him!”
“Sorry, Radish,” they muttered.
“Now, move it. You’ve got a lot of explaining to do back home.”
She ushered them away, turning to give him an apologetic look. He nodded. He turned and walked back to the break room.
He passed Maple Bar on the way. He scowled at her.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish knocked on the ancient, heavy door of Luna’s bedroom.
“Princess? The gala is about to start. It's time for your debut.”
“Enter, Radish Root.”
Radish opened the door. He found Luna at one of her windows, watching the crowds filter into the palace. She was elegantly attired in a new gown. She looked utterly miserable.
“Radish Root, we cannot do it. We are in no state to debut ourselves tonight. Our recovery is incomplete.”
“Princess…”
“Look at us, Radish Root. We are but a pale shadow. To stand next to Celestia as we are would bring us mockery and scorn. We dare not be seen like this.”
“If there’s anything I can do…”
“Thou hast performed thy tasks dutifully. ‘Tis we who have failed.”
She looked at herself in her floor mirror.
“We knew we could never outshine her. But we at least thought we could achieve our own radiance. Perhaps it will never happen.”
Radish walked up to her. He looked at her reflection in the mirror, trying to see what she wasn’t seeing. Her dress seemed fine- a graceful fuchsia robe trimmed in sapphire. Her hair looked good- braided and worn up behind her tiara. Was it the shoes?
“I’m sorry, princess.”
“Dost thou have an assignment down there tonight?”
Radish did. Barrel Roller had told him to bring down Luna as quickly as possible before joining crowd monitoring. With two princesses and large crowds of VIPs in the gala, all guards were needed on duty tonight.
“My assignment is whatever you need it to be, princess.”
“Then, wilt thou keep us company through this long and miserable night?”
“Yes, Princess Luna.”
She opened a cupboard and pulled out an antique bronze chess set.
"You play?”
“I know how. I haven’t played in a while.”
“Celestia plays with us, but we think she lets us win. Another way she outshines us. Thou wilt play thine best.”
She set the board on her breakfast table. They took seats facing each other, and Radish took off his helmet and set it aside. Luna made the opening move. Radish carefully moved a piece out to meet hers.
They maneuvered their forces. Luna played distractedly. Radish played nervously. They each took a few of each other’s pieces. Radish brought a knight in position to capture one of her rooks.
“Stop,” said Luna. “Thou wilt checkmate us in sixteen moves.”
“I will?”
She laid her king down on its side. “We know the Hippogriff Gambit when we see it. We underestimated thee.”
“I didn’t know what I was doing had a name. I was just trying to flank your defense and hope for the best.”
“Ah, the tactics of a guardstallion. We thank thee for not holding back. Now, we reset and change sides.”
The band on the commons outside struck up a new burst of music. Luna left her seat and walked to her balcony. She looked down at the party. Ponies in elegant formalwear were slowly dancing to a minuet across the expertly-manicured greens of the gardens. Luna watched them for a moment. She hung her head sadly, and walked back toward the chessboard.
Radish stood up and met her halfway. He straightened his armor, bowed, and extended a hoof to Luna.
“Princess, would you like to dance?”
She looked at his hoof, then took a few steps back.
“It… it is not done. A guard offering a dance to a princess? And out of pity, no less? It is a scandal. Thou hast insulted us, Radish Root.”
His hoof dropped.
“I apologize.”
Luna looked back to the crowds.
“We don’t even know this piece. It is of a genre that was unknown in our day.”
“Ma’am?”
She turned to Radish.
“There would be no scandal in a guard instructing a princess on how to dance to the latest music. Thou will show us?”
Radish lifted his hoof again.
“I will.”
She placed her hoof in his.
“Please, go slowly.”
Radish stood on his hind legs. She took to hers. She draped her other hoof across his shoulders. He put his other hoof around her waist. They held each other close.
Radish didn’t know how to dance a minuet. He didn't know any formal dances at all. But Radish couldn’t let Luna go this night without a dance.
They started slowly, swaying to the gentle notes. Radish tried to lead. Luna let him. They circled. He felt the heat of her body, the softness of her dress, and the fur of her cheek intermingling with his. He could smell her perfume now- jasmine with a hint of vanilla.
The music picked up. Radish met it with faster steps. Luna kept up with Radish. Radish was no longer listening to the music, but feeling it. It guided his movements as he guided Luna's. They glided across the floor as one.
The music ended. They slowed to a stop, and Radish drew back from Luna. He gasped and stumbled a few steps away.
“What is wrong?” Luna asked.
“Your hair. It’s…”
Radish didn’t know what to call it. Different? New? Alive? Awake? Amazing? No, there’s a word for it…
“It's ethereal now!”
Luna ran to the floor mirror. She leaned forward, gazing upon herself in wonder. Her mane and tail had changed. Like Celestia’s, they now moved with a life of their own, wafting through the air as if perpetually caught in a soft breeze. Points of light within them twinkled like stars deep in an ultramarine expanse. Radish instinctually took a step back, as if his hooves just realized that he had been dancing with a force of nature.
Luna undid her braids and shook out her mane. It flowed freely around her face.
“Radish Root, we are restored!”
“That’s what you meant? I didn’t know it could do that!”
“Of course. Did you think Celestia was special in this regard as well?”
“I never thought about it.”
“We feared it we had lost it forever. Was fear holding it back? Perhaps all we needed was diversion- a moment of escape from the fear. Radish Root, we are in thy debt.”
“Think nothing of it. I’m happy to help you.”
“Then, give us thy honest opinion of it.”
“It’s incredible.”
“Truly?”
She looked into the mirror, drawing her hooves through her mane.
“It is not too… dark?”
“Why shouldn’t it be dark? You’re the night princess. It looks like the night sky!”
“The night sky, you say? But it is not too… plain? Celestia’s has more colors.”
“Plain? There’s nothing plain about it. You look gorgeous!” Radish said. He then sheepishly looked away. “Uh, I mean…”
Luna lifted her chin to look down on him.
“Lieutenant, thou forget thyself. We merely asked for thy opinion on our tresses, We did not commission odes to our beauty.”
“Forgive me, ma’am.”
“Thou art forgiven.”
She turned around and looked at her tail in the mirror, swishing it left and right.
“And this? Does it please the eye?”
“Uh…”
“Speak.”
“It’s lovely, ma’am.”
“Lovely, he says ,” she muttered. She turned and stalked up to him. “Lieutenant, thou must control thyself! Imagine if someone overheard these honeyed outpourings.”
“Forgive me, ma’am.”
“Thou art forgiven.”
“Princess, the Gala. We can still debut you if we hurry.”
She walked back to the balcony, and looked down at the party. Waiters were collecting empty champagne glasses and hors d'oeuvre plates.
“The moment is gone, Radish Root. A lady's grand entrance must be done at the evening's beginning. The toasts have concluded, and the guests are lining up for the lavatories. This is no time for a debut.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. I know this night was important to you.”
“It was not in the stars. There will be another day. Besides,” she said, pushing aside the balcony furniture with her aura, “our instruction in the new dances is not yet complete.”
She held out a hoof.
“Continue your lessons,” she said. “Our debut can wait.”
Radish walked onto the balcony under the bright moonlight. He took her hoof. They bowed to each other.
The band on the greens finished its last encore. Radish and Luna continued to sway together, until the Gala's final echoes had passed over the tower. Luna peeled herself off of Radish.
“Lieutenant, we thank thee for these dance lessons. We now feel… confident in our ability.”
Radish looked into her eyes. His hoof was still holding hers.
“No, thank you, princess. I had a wonderful evening.”
She withdrew her hoof from his.
“It is time to retire,” she said.
“Yes.”
“We bid thee goodnight.”
“I… yes. Have a good night, princess.”
He bowed to her. She smiled and nodded. He left her room, his heart racing. He walked back to his bunk in a stupor, passing staff pushing brooms and packing up chairs. As he undressed for bed, he looked at his cutie mark. He brushed his hoof over it as Spats walked in from the adjacent shower room.
“Hi, Rad. How was your Gala shift?"
"It went pretty well."
"Where were you assigned?"
"I was... uh..."
"I'm playing with you. All of us guards on the walls and in the sky could see you foxtrotting with Luna."
"Am I in trouble?"
"The commander just kind of grumbled and said, 'Whatever pleases her highness'."
"Was that your first time seeing Luna?"
"Yeah, she looked amazing. You got a lot of envious stares, Rad."
"Huh. So, not a debut for her... but a sneak preview."
"When's the big premiere?"
"Soon, I hope."
Radish heard a bursting noise behind him. He turned and saw a sealed scroll in his bunk. It was from Twilight.
Dear Radish,
I’m sorry we missed each other tonight at the Grand Galloping Gala. I appreciate all that you and the other guards do to keep such events safe. I know some of my friends may have been a little rambunctious, and I’m sorry about the mess we made. If you can think of a way we can make it up to the maintenance crew, let me know.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S., have you been to Joe’s donut shop? It was always my favorite. Tell Joe who you are. You’ll see.
“That from Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yeah. What did those six do tonight?”
“Wrecked the ballroom, chased the menagerie indoors, splattered cake on the prince, left broken glass on the stairs. But they did it in style, at least. They had on the best dresses in the gala.”
“Did you see Celestia tonight?”
“Spent the whole time greeting bigwigs, schmoozing bigwigs, and saying goodbyes to bigwigs. Poor gal never gets to dance at these things.”
Luna sat at her dresser, humming and brushing her hair. Celestia approached her from behind.
"It's beautiful, sister."
"Thank you. It is a great relief to me. I am sorry to have missed the Gala. I promise I will be by your side next time."
"That would be wonderful."
Celestia drew a hoof through Luna's flowing locks. "It's just as I remember it. What caused it to bloom?"
Luna stopped brushing. "I... heard a piece of music outside. A very pleasing composition."
"Oh, I think I know which one you mean. Cypress Serenade , right?"
"...yes. That was the one."
"That explains it. It was always your favorite growing up."
"It still is."
Radish stepped into Pony Joe’s Donuts, a large, brightly-lit shop in Uptown Canterlot. He had never been. Joe, a burly unicorn, was behind the counter.
“Hi. I’m Radish Root. Twi-”
“Oh, hey. Twilight’s guard friend, right? Got something for you.”
Joe placed a coffee and a chocolate cinnamon donut in front of Radish. Radish reached into his bag.
“Uh-uh. This is on Twilight.”
“Oh. Give her my thanks.”
“Will do. It’s great to see she’s got so many friends these days. She was a real lone wolf before Ponyville.”
“Yeah, I knew her then. We didn’t get along.”
“Really? How come?”
Radish chewed his donut and washed it down with a swig of coffee. He shrugged.
“Doesn’t matter. We’re good now.”
“I hear that.”
“Could I pay for her next one?”
“Sure, but there’s no telling when she’ll be back in the ‘Lot. Now that she’s a big-time, world-saving hero, we’d only be seeing her back here if there was a big-time, world-ending crisis. Or another gala.”
Radish sipped his coffee.
“Another gala would be nice.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish thrust his spear into a training dummy and withdrew it in one quick motion. Cotton stuffing dropped out of its chest onto the grass.
“Root, you’re over-committing your strikes,” said his spear training instructor. “If your opponent had dodged that, you would have fallen flat on your face.”
Radish took a step back and looked at the dummy.
“I could take this guy lying flat on my face.”
“Cute retorts don’t protect princesses. Do ten more sets, and this time, keep your mass centered and your mouth shut.”
An hour later, Radish trotted off the training field, reading over his evaluation. One of his fellow lieutenants, a gray, sinewy earth stallion named Cairn, trotted alongside him, reading his own.
"So, Root. How'd you do?"
"The sarge wrote here that I have excellent thrust, good aim, average form, and slow reflexes."
"A couple of things to write home about, at least. Need some pointers at getting faster?"
"I'm just fatigued. You woke up at reveille. I've been awake since yesterday afternoon."
"Right. How's The Night Shift been?"
"Uneventful. Princess Luna hasn't needed anything all week."
"You mean you haven't spoken to her since-"
"No."
"Hmm. Mares can be a mystery, huh?"
"Yeah."
"Pardon me, Lieutenant Root?"
Radish and Cairn turned to see a royal lady-in-waiting approaching them. She curtseyed. “Lieutenant Root, Princess Luna wishes to see you in the captain's office, posthaste.”
“Posthaste? Okay.”
She looked him over.
“Well, perhaps post-shower, then posthaste.”
A freshly-showered Radish knocked on the door of Shining Armor'’s office.
“Enter,” Luna called from within.
Radish opened the door to find Luna, Celestia, Shining Armor, Barrel Roller, and Saguaro Shade inside, gathered around a desk covered in tomes and scrolls. He inhaled sharply.
“Ma’ams? Sirs?”
“Root? What are you doing here?” asked Shining Armor.
“Reporting as requested, sir.”
Celestia looked at Luna with annoyance. “Luna, dear, I don’t think Lieutenant Root needs to be a part of this.”
Luna bristled. “Why shouldn’t my Champion be included? You have sent for your own six.”
“With all due respect, ma’am,” said Barrel Roller, “this is far above Root’s paygrade.”
“Then increase his paygrade ,” said Luna pointedly.
Radish took a deep breath and held it.
“Sister, may I speak with you?” asked Celestia through a gritted-teeth smile.
“Yes, sister. Let us speak .”
The sisters moved to a corner of the room. Celestia cast a spell which put a shimmering translucent yellow box around them. Its seemed to be a soundproofing spell, as they proceeded to a conversation that looked loud, yet was completely inaudible.
Radish looked to his superiors. “Sirs, ma’am, I didn’t mean to be a source of conflict, here.”
“This was bound to happen, Root,” said Saguaro Shade. “We’ve got two princesses now. That means when they disagree, there’s a deadlock.”
“I see. What do I do if they give me conflicting orders?”
“Princess Celestia signs your checks, Root,” said Shining Armor. “Her orders supersede Princess Luna’s, every time.”
“Does Princess Luna know that, sir?”
“You tell me,” said Shining Armor. “You’re the one who’s spent so much time with her.”
“Uh… I don’t, um…”
“Sure doesn’t look like it,” Saguaro Shade said, nodding toward the princesses.
The sisters’ loud conversation started to look more like a heated discussion. The heated discussion grew into a full-blown argument. Radish frowned.
The princesses got in each other’s faces. Luna petulantly stomped a hoof. Celestia emphatically waved her wings. They both looked at Radish. He cringed, without knowing why. Then, Celestia narrowed her eyes and made a comment out of the side of her mouth to Luna, which made Luna’s eyes go wide.
Luna then looked at the floor, saddened. She turned to Celestia and said something calmly. The two sisters nodded, hugged, and then the soundproofing spell vanished.
Luna approached Radish. “Radish Root, our summons of thee was premature. Please return to as thou were. If we are in need of thee, we will let thee know.”
“Very well, your highness. Sirs. Ma’ams.”
Radish left the office, giving the door a lingering look before moving on. He took a quick meal in the commissary and returned to his bunk, where Spats was brushing his tail.
“Hey, Radish. Where’ve you been?”
“I got a special summons by the princesses… and then they canceled it.”
“Ah. Well, it happens. Are you going to bed?”
“Yeah. Gotta be up at the crack of afternoon.”
“See you later, Rad. We’ll keep the castle safe in the meantime.”
Radish lay across a thick, plush rug in front of a softly crackling fireplace. Celestia lay by his side, leaning her head on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry you had to see Luna and I argue this morning, Radish. She can be such a child when she can't get what she wants."
"What did she want?"
"You."
"And what did you tell her?"
She rolled on top of Radish, lovingly gazing into his eyes.
"That she can't have you."
They kissed.
“Radish…” purred Celestia.
“Celestia…” whispered Radish.
“Lieutenant!” shouted Luna.
Radish looked to the side. Luna was standing there, frowning. A starry portal closed itself behind her.
“Princess Luna?”
Luna sighed heavily. “We are sorry to disturb thy… fantasy… again . But we must speak with thee where no ears may hear us.”
“Oh, beat it!” sneered the dream Celestia. “Can’t Radish have one dream in peace? Just because you don't have the guts to-”
Luna held up a hoof. Celestia and the room vanished, leaving Luna and Radish floating in a black void.
Radish gulped. “Princess, I am so sorry.”
“As we have said, thy dreams are a part of thee. We do not judge. Though, for the record, the real Celestia's bedroom looks nothing like that."
"Well, I haven't seen it yet."
"Yet?"
"I mean, uh..."
“Radish Root, there is no time for this. As we have also said, we would let thee know if we are in need of thee. We are in need of thee.”
“What can I help you with, ma’am?”
“Discord.”
“Between you and Princess Celestia?”
“Nay. ‘Discord’ be the name of a monster. A foul spirit of chaos who wields unfathomable power, and uses it to wreak havoc for his own amusement.”
“Wait… that statue near the hedge maze? The one that’s a big jumble of animal parts? The tour guides say it represents Discord. That's a real thing?”
“Yes. Celestia and I defeated him with the Elements of Harmony a thousand years ago, but now that the Elements have passed to new hooves, the spell is broken. He has returned.”
“Is this why you called for me?”
“Indeed. However, Celestia wants only the new wielders of the Elements to confront him.”
“Twilight’s team? Celestia summoned them to fight an ancient monster with unfathomable power?”
“Yes. But I have my doubts those six are up to the task.”
“Your highness, they’ve done great things. I couldn’t have found the bat ponies without them. They got rid of the dragon. And they… uh…”
Radish trailed off and looked away.
“Defeated Nightmare Moon?” Luna finished for him, eyebrow raised.
“Saved you from her!”
“Radish Root, Nightmare Moon may save us all. She prepared a weapon in secret to use against Celestia. I believe that weapon can now be used against Discord.”
“Whoa, really? That must be one incredible weapon! What is it?"
"Celestia's own spear, stolen from her personal vault. Nightmare Moon hid it in a place of great power. It has been absorbing this power ever since. I believe that after a thousand years of empowerment, not even Discord can withstand it."
"Celestia owned a spear?"
"Yes, it was a Hearth's Warming gift from the palace weaponsmith. I believe he fancied her- he only gave me a knife that year."
"Hmm. Is this place of great power back at the lair?"
“Nay. It is at the center of a distant island called Never Atoll."
"Never Atoll?"
"Has thou heard of it?”
“Never at all.”
“We thought not. It is tiny, shrouded by mists, and isolated by currents.”
“Do you want me to go to the island and get the spear for you?”
“Yes. Thy brethren shall convey thee.”
“Oh! Me and the bat ponies, on a mission together?"
"Please do thy best to keep them on-task."
"Do I get any special gear?”
“Nay. To remove any equipment from the palace would arouse suspicion. This quest is against Celestia's wishes and unsanctioned by thy superiors. It must remain totally secret, lest Discord learn of it. If thou are found out, thou must keep thy silence, disavow our involvement, and accept all punishment thyself.”
“But they’ll notice I've left the palace. It'll look like I've deserted during a crisis again. I’ll be kicked out of the Guard.”
“We will request thee as our personal attendant for the duration of this crisis. Thy superiors will simply think thou be in our bedroom. That will not be seen as suspicious, as thou has often been in our bedroom.”
“Uh…”
“What?”
“Nothing. I’m on my way.” He looked around. “How do I wake up?”
“The usual way, of course.”
Radish looked down at his hoof. He bit it.
He awoke in his bunk with his hoof in his mouth. He checked his bedside clock. He had slept for less than ten minutes.
Radish redonned his armor and made his way to Selenic Spire. It was beyond the palace’s large hedge maze, which itself was beyond the sculpture garden. Radish paused, then headed into the sculpture garden and searched for the statue of Discord.
He found an empty pedestal with a nameplate. The statue wasn’t of Discord, it was Discord all along.
No wonder that thing gave me the willies. Was it watching us?
He heard the sounds of a group coming his way: four sets of hoofsteps, one set of wingbeats, and one repeating bouncing noise. He knew what that meant.
“Radish!” called Twilight. She and her friends rushed up to him.
“Ladies,” he said, bowing.
“What are you doing here? Princess Celestia didn't say you'd be coming with us,” Twilight said.
“Actually, I’m on my way to Princess Luna’s tower. What are you guys doing out here?”
"Discord's hidden the Elements of Harmony in the hedge maze."
“He what!?"
"Don't worry, we're about to head in and get them back."
"Without guard backup? You should have a battalion with you."
"You know, maybe he's right," said Fluttershy. "It couldn't hurt to have a battalion. Or two."
"It's better this way," said Twilight. "Anyone who comes with us would be putting themselves in danger."
Radish frowned. "Danger? Twilight, what do you think guards are for?"
“Now, don't be like that,” said Applejack. "We ain't sayin' we wouldn't appreciate the company, but you know the Elements of Harmony only work fer us.”
“And with great Elements come great responsibility,” added Pinkie Pie.
“Yeah, we can’t help it if we’re the chosen ones,” shrugged Rainbow Dash.
“Well, I don’t want to hold up the chosen ones," said Radish. "Stay safe in there.”
"Don't worry," said Twilight, pulling her friends into a group hug. "With the magic of friendship on our side, there's no way we can lose!"
"Yeah... okay."
The girls galloped onward to the maze entrance. Radish watched them go with an uneasy frown. He continued on his way to Luna's tower. As he approached the door, he heard a stallion's voice.
“Mornin’, Root.”
Saguaro Shade appeared around the curve of the tower.
“Corporal!”
He quickly saluted. Saguaro Shade returned the salute, then peered up at Selenic Spire. He turned back to Radish.
“I'd heard Princess Luna ordered you to her tower. But didn't you just finish a night shift in there? I figured you’d need some shuteye about now.”
"I'm no stranger to double shifts, sir. Besides, it'll be hard to sleep after that summons this morning. I mean, both princesses and the senior officers all in one room? I’ve never seen such a thing.”
“I'm guessin' Big Blue's filled you in on what's really goin' on," he said, looking at the front door.
"Sir, if this is the crisis I've heard it is, why hasn't the Guard been mobilized?"
"Princess's orders. It's not an enemy you can throw a spear at, Root. Only the Elements of Harmony can handle Discord. And only those six girls can handle the Elements. Which raises the question- what's Princess Luna really want from you now?"
"She..."
The front door of Luna's tower flung open. Luna was there, waving a book in her hoof.
"Radish Root! There you are! What is the holdup? Our book club was to begin ten minutes ago!"
"Forgive me, ma'am."
Saguaro Shade raised an eyebrow. "All right, Root. I won't keep you. Enjoy the, uh, book club."
He saluted Luna. "Ma'am."
He took his leave. Radish watched him go, slowly backing toward the door. He entered to find Luna, and no one else, on the first floor.
“Did thou see how we covered for thee?” asked Luna giddily. “Thy corporal had no idea why thou really be here.”
“Ma’am, he knows we're up to something.”
“You think? He did not… Ah. We see. More courtly intrigue. ‘Tis exhausting keeping track of who knows what. Here, then,” she said, giving Radish the book, "in case he questions our cover story."
Radish took the book. "Daddy Long-Shanks ?"
"Do not get thy hopes up. It is not a horror story."
“What's the situation now, ma'am?"
"Discord has already revealed himself, jeering Celestia and challenging the Ponyville girls to a battle of wits. He has not appeared to me at all. I think he has... forgotten my existence."
"That's... good. Right?"
“At the very least, it gives me the freedom to prepare thee for this mission. You asked about special gear- we have found something for thee that will go unmissed.”
She pulled a large knife in a sheath from behind her back and gave it to Radish. Radish unsheathed it. It had Luna's cutie mark engraved into one side of the blade, and it's maker's cutie mark on the other.
"This is that knife from the weaponsmith. It's been in our closet all these years," she explained.
"Whoa."
"What?"
"Was that weaponsmith named Ferrum Flats?"
"Yes, I think so. Why?"
"He was a legendary craftspony! He designed the boot knives the Plains Rangers still use to this day. It's an incredibly useful and elegant design, and this is a version he custom-made for a royal! This is a masterpiece!"
Luna frowned. "Truly? He put thought into this present? We were not an afterthought?"
"Maybe a spear makes for a better weapon, but you can do so many more things with a good knife. I think Ferrum Flats wanted you to have something you could use every day."
"Keep it."
"You mean, permanently?"
"Clearly, we did not know how to appreciate it for the gift it was. It deserves to be in the hooves of one who does. Use it well."
"Thank you, ma'am." He attached the sheath to his front left boot.
"You will also need this where you are going," said Luna. Her horn glowed, and a red potion bottle appeared in her hoof. She unstoppered it and held it up to Radish's face. "Here, drink."
Radish leaned back. "What is it?"
"Never Atoll has unique defenses. This shall protect thee from the worst of them.”
“What's the worst of them?”
“Flowers which release mind-addling pollen in the air. The effects are wide-ranging, from lethargy to fiendishly terrifying hallucinations. This antihistamine will give thee immunity from all types of pollen for twenty-four hours.”
Radish took the bottle and drank it. It tasted like chalk mixed with strawberries. "Thanks, princess. I'm glad I won't have to deal with terrifying hallucinations."
“Why not, brother? It sounds fun!” called out Nocturn. He and the other three bat ponies landed at Radish’s side. "We are woefully immune to Terror Daisies. We once tried snuffing them, to no effect."
“Hey, guys! Good to see you." He pulled them into a group hug. "But don't go around snuffing plants, okay?"
"Sorry, Brother Radish."
“We can’t wait to show you Never Atoll!” said Echo excitedly.
“Oh? What’s it like?”
“A volcanic island, home to poisonous frogs and venomous birds!”
“Venomous birds !? What, do they have fangs?”
“No, Brother Radish,” said Vesper, “they have scorpion tails!”
Radish looked at Luna, cockeyed. “Ma’am?”
“Nightmare Moon may have… enhanced… the local wildlife,” admitted Luna. “But ‘tis nothing thou cannot handle. Thou at least stand a better chance against the stinglets than a seamstress and an apple farmer have against Discord.”
Radish turned to the bat ponies. "And you four know the way there?”
“Yes,” said Echo. “The trip will take mere hours.”
“I thought you guys don't really do well in the daytime."
"We do not!" said Murk. "We shall make the journey taking turns, allowing two to rest in the carriage while the other two pull it!"
"What carriage?"
"They have obtained a civilian transport," explained Luna. "It will be inconspicuous to observers."
"But the bat ponies won't be," pointed out Radish.
Luna frowned. "Ah... yes. Well, that cannot be helped. Come, I will convey you five to the conveyance."
Her horn glowed, and a flash of light changed the world around Radish. He stumbled sideways and fell to the grass which had appeared under his feet.
"What is wrong, Radish Root?" asked Luna.
"I... I've never been teleported before," he said, holding in a dry heave.
"Truly? Well, it only becomes easier."
"Okay."
Radish climbed to his feet and looked around. They were now on the mountain outside the city. A large luxurious black stagecoach was parked in front of them.
"That's the civilian transport? Where did you get it?" Radish asked, approaching it.
"From a street in the Uptown district!" said Nocturn. "It was just sitting there!"
"You stole it!? That's an Imperial 70 Coupe! It's one of the most expensive coaches on the market! Every patrol in the region will be looking out for it!"
"Truly?" asked Luna. "It looks rather... chintzy. But we think... oh, dear."
Radish looked at what had drawn her attention. The skies over Ponyville were now full of pink clouds, and the landscape under the town was a checkerboard of several pastel colors. Many of the town's houses and landmarks were drifting casually through its airspace.
"What the-? Is that Discord's doing?"
"Yes. It has begun. Tarry no longer, Radish Root."
"Ma'am, you're not safe here. Come with us."
"Nay. He may eventually remember me, and come seeking me in revenge for his long imprisonment. I must stay to protect thy mission. If the girls fail, thou are Equestria's last hope."
"Ma'am! I can't-"
"Fare thee well, my Champion."
Her horn lit up, and she vanished. Radish's shoulders drooped.
"Brother Radish, she is right," said Nocturn. "We must leave now."
"Right. Let's go."
Murk and Nocturn hitched themselves to the coach, while Vesper and Echo climbed inside. Radish followed them in and sat back on one of the overstuffed plush seats. He took off his helmet and put it aside.
"Damn, I've never been in a luxury carriage. This is nicer than some rooms in the palace."
The interior of the cabin was lacquered blackwood. The fixtures were gold, and recently-polished. The upholstery was a dark purple velvet, and the seat backs were embroidered with a corporate logo aside a family coat of arms. Although Radish didn't recognize the coat of arms, he knew the logo.
"Wagoner Corp. Huh. I think you guys stole this coach from the Wagoner family."
"Are they friends of yours?" asked Echo.
"Nope. I have nothing to do with them," Radish said, rubbing the mountain dirt on his boots off onto the carpet. He pulled out a pencil and notebook. "Okay, guys. Let's go over what you know about the island. I want to hit the ground running. We get in, get the weapon, and get back to Luna."
"Well, Brother Radish," said Vesper. "The story of Never Atoll begins in the Course Era. It was discovered by the Mighty Helm in... Brother Radish?"
Radish had slumped back in his seat with his eyes closed. His notebook and pencil fell to the floor. He started snoring.
"Should we wake him?" Vesper asked Echo.
Echo was now asleep too, curled up on his seat.
"Very well," Vesper said. She leaned back and closed her eyes.
"Brother Radish! Awaken!"
"Wha...?"
Radish woke up in his carriage seat. The four bat ponies were gathered around him, staring.
"We have arrived to the island!" said Nocturn.
"Right," he said, trying to uncrick his neck. "Let's go."
They stepped out of the carriage. Radish looked around. They were on a stone landing pad, on a rocky shore of a tropical island. The view of the horizon was blocked in all directions by a wall of dense fog. The fog, however, only extended up to a certain height, and the sky over the island was clear.
"Thanks for getting me here, guys."
"You're welcome!" they said as one.
"The sun's pretty bright here. How are you feeling?"
"This sunlight is most draining," said Echo. "Our strength is greatly diminished."
"Yes. It really sucks," said Vesper.
"Where did you hear that word?" asked Radish.
"From the scullery maids. They speak in many colorful metaphors."
"Well, leave that in the scullery, okay?"
"Sorry, Brother Radish."
He saw a stone pathway leading to the interior of the island, flanked by rows of succulents. He started down it, and the bat ponies followed him.
The island was rife with tropical vegetation, though it was all growing in neatly-organized planters and beds. They passed rows of evenly-spaced pine trees. They walked under arches of hanging ivy.
"This is the lushest evil lair I've ever seen," Radish mused.
"The Mistress spent many hours growing the vegetation to her liking," said Murk.
A small, tiger-striped bird landed on a twig near Radish. It bobbed forward, displaying a long, black scorpion tail curling over its body.
"I am a special Envoy of Nightmare Moon," Radish told the stinglet. It tilted its head, questioningly.
"He speaks the truth!" said Echo. The bird nodded and flew away. Radish watched it land in a tree and chirp to a flock of its kind. They scattered to spread the word.
"Nightmare Moon was cultivating plants and bonding with animals on this island. The mountain lair was where she explored her unicorn magic, but this... this is where she indulged her earth pony abilities! I had no idea she even cared about her earth pony side!"
He galloped over to a row of towering oak trees. He put his ear against the trunk of one and tapped it. He whistled, impressed at how healthy it was. He planted his hooves in the soil and knelt prone, placing his chin on the ground and closing his eyes.
"What are you doing?" asked Nocturn.
"Shh. I'm listening to the earth."
The bat ponies looked at each other in confusion. Radish opened his eyes.
"She really took care of the soil. It's full of life, even a thousand years later."
He excitedly trotted down the path, taking in all the plant life.
"She must have collected species from all over the world! I bet some of these cultivars are lost to modern botany! Or maybe she created them herself? Did she say anything about what she was growing here?"
"She spoke of the purpose of some of them," said Nocturn. "For instance, she was most proud of those."
He pointed to a row of coconut trees. Radish loped over to one, gazing up at it. He bucked its trunk, and a coconut fell at his feet with a thud .
"This is huge! But it has an odd smell. Almost medicinal."
"The Mistress bred them to produce a powerful soporific," recalled Murk. "A single macaroon made from this would put even Celestia in a deep slumber."
"And these," said Echo, pulling a kiwi off a trellis and tossing it to Radish, "contain a compound which induces a suggestible state. If dropped in a town's water supply, the entire populace could be subdued."
"See these?" asked Vesper, pointing to a small bush full of long green peppers. "Their juice can corrode even the strongest of alloys. We used them to break into Celestia's vault."
"Amazing," said Radish, putting the coconut, kiwi, and a pepper in his bag. "Nightmare Moon might have conquered the world with just her earth pony skills. Kind of makes me proud. Hey, I wonder if..."
He galloped down the trail, to a crossroads in the path. He looked in all directions, seeing terraced gardens, orchards, and crop fields.
"Did she have any assistants here? Gardeners? Maybe ones that looked... unusual?"
"She permitted no one but us here," said Nocturn. "And she rarely brought us here."
"Dang."
"Brother Radish, the spear?" asked Echo.
"Oh, right. Do you know where it is?"
“Yes. It is inside the cone.”
"Cone?"
Echo pointed to a flat-topped mountain in the center of the island.
"Oh," said Radish, "it's inside a volcano? Figures. Is it dormant, at least?"
"It was a thousand years ago," said Nocturn. "It probably still is."
They made their way down the path, past a cattail-lined pond, where fat pink frogs sat on large lily pads.
"Are those the poisonous frogs you mentioned?" Radish asked.
"Yes," said Nocturn. "Their skin oozes a paralyzing toxin. We do not recommend licking them."
The path eventually turned into a wooden walkway suspended over a vast field of flowers. Radish walked with caution.
"And these are the flowers that can mess with your mind?" he asked.
"Yes. Each species has a different effect," said Echo. "The blue ones induce hopelessness. The yellow ones induce forgetfulness. And so on."
Radish looked out at the fields. There were over a dozen different species. Radish didn't feel any different- Luna's antihistamine was working.
"You guys are sure you're immune to all of them?"
"Yes. It is a gift we have in common with the Mistress."
"Okay. Good." He peered at the flowers under his section of walkway. "What do the gray flowers do?"
"There were no gray flowers," said Echo.
"Well, there are now."
The bat ponies peered down at the field. There was a thick vine crawling along the ground and climbing the supports of the walkway. It produced large, lopsided gray flowers along its length.
"That... is new," Vesper said in a low voice.
"They're an odd shape," said Radish. "Maybe some of the species here crossbred? But without an earth pony's guidance, most plants shouldn't be able to complete a life cycle. Say, did Nightmare Moon ever-"
He turned around. The bat ponies were staring at him, blankly.
"Guys?"
They started laughing. Their laughs were so perfectly in sync, they sounded like they had one single voice- but it was a male voice that didn't match any of theirs.
Radish took a step back. "Uh, I think we need to move away from these flowers. Let's get going, okay?"
"Hi, Moony!" they said in unison, tilting their heads in the same direction, to the same degree. The voice was smooth and smug. "How's it hangin'? Nice digs here! But a volcano island base? Isn't that a tad cliché? What, are you going to carve a giant skull into the mountain?"
"What the-"
The bat ponies started walking toward Radish, grinning widely while keeping their eyes locked on him. "Yep, it's me! Oh, don't act so surprised! I know about all the secret lairs you've been building! The mountain retreat, the cloud superfortress- even that little one-bedroom dive under Canterlot's Riverwalk. You've got such an eye for real estate! Of course, they're all a bit too... orderly for my taste."
Radish narrowed his eyes and flicked out his spear. "Discord, I presume?"
The bat ponies didn't seem to hear him. They gestured in their speech emphatically and identically. "Oh, I just can't wait to see the look on Celestia's face when she realizes her precious baby sister has been plotting world domination behind her back!"
It's a thousand-year-old message , thought Radish. Meant for Nightmare Moon's ears.
"So, let's not wait! See, Moonpie, if you're hearing this message, then you've stumbled across the housewarming gift I left for you."
Radish looked down at the gray flower vine.
"Just a little something to liven up your next visit to this slice of paradise. Sadly, it won't affect you, but when your bat minions get a whiff of its pollen, they'll be compelled throw a little chaos into your life."
Radish banged his spear on the walkway. "Guys, if you can hear me, snap out of this! I know you're stronger than some old flowers!"
"They'll give you a count of five, then bolt and tell Celestia all about Nightmare Moon. Everything- the hideouts, the experiments, the schemes. With the two of you locked a family feud, Equestria will plunge into chaos!"
"Guys! You cannot go back to Celestia! She can't know about this mission! I'll be fired! You'll alert Discord to what we're doing! And you're my ride home!"
They lined up and leaned forward, grinning mockingly.
"I suppose you could always just blast your minions before they can tattle, but you have to be careful about your power consumption, don't you? Otherwise, the Luna personality will regain the upper hoof in your mental tug-of-war."
"The Envoy commands you to shake this off! Brother Radish needs you!"
"Oh well, the choice is yours. Either way, I win. "
"Please, guys! For Luna?"
"Five!" they shouted.
Radish frowned.
"Four!"
"I'm sorry about this," said Radish, gritting his teeth.
"Three!"
Radish gripped his spear sideways and leapt at his brethren, bringing its haft down across all four of their heads simultaneously. It dented in four places. The bat ponies shuddered, then looked at Radish in surprise.
"Why, Moonykins!" they laughed in Discord's voice, "if you're hearing this message, you tried to take out your minions with non-lethal force! How unexpected! So here's something else that's unexpected- you've activated a hidden command in the pollen. They're no longer going to snitch on you. No, they're going to come after you. Just like you came after me in Monacolt. You know, I still have lumbago because of that. So don't expect any mercy."
"Guys, I know you wouldn't hurt me," said Radish. "Remember the friendship lessons? Remember the s'mores?"
"But hey, look on the bright side, you've got another five seconds."
Radish started backing away.
"Five-four-three-two-one!" they shouted. Then, they shuddered. They looked at Radish, bared their teeth and snarled, stalking toward him.
"Shit."
He dropped his dented spear and leapt off the wooden walkway just as they pounced. They smashed through its planks, slamming into the ground underneath it. Radish landed softly in the field and rolled.
Now on the ground, Radish realized just how tall the field's flowers, grasses, and forbs were. They towered over him. He couldn't see where the bat ponies had landed, but they couldn't see him. He crouched still.
He heard rusting in the vegetation around him, and then a thunk . The bat ponies had leapt out of the field. Vesper and Echo were back on the walkway, stalking its length while peering into the field and taking deep sniffs. Murk and Nocturn were airborne, belting out echolocation screeches into the field.
They can't see me in all this. That chaos pollen in their muzzles must be keeping them from smelling me. And these plants just scatter their echoes. I'm safe, as long as I don't move a muscle.
His mind raced. Vesper leapt at something in the field, barking and tearing apart a cluster of weeds. She returned to the walkway, now with Radish's spear. The two bat ponies in the air swooped down, crashing through the vegetation in long, curved swaths. The two on the walkway watched them carefully. Radish listened, mapping their movements in his mind.
They're using a search pattern to tear up the field. But why are they doing it like that? Wait...
Radish recalled something from a Plains Ranger Academy exam.
Their search pattern is a thousand years out-of-date! Bandits figured out how to slip through this kind of detection spiral centuries ago! I can get out before they tear up too much of the field, as long as I use the noise they make as cover.
Radish crept through the grasses, catching glimpses of Vesper and Echo on the walkway through the vegetation. They weren't hearing him over the racket Murk and Nocturn were making. Radish crawled under the walkway and out of their sight.
That's half the problem. Now to get out of here.
He crept under the walkway toward the center of the island. He heard a bat pony crashing toward him, and he paused. Murk galloped right across Radish's path, shredding everything in his way, missing Radish by a half-meter. Radish waited a beat, then continued.
He made it to the tree line just as the bat ponies completed their sweep. Radish looked back. The entire field was now torn to shreds, leaving barely a blade of grass standing. The brethren howled in frustration, then flew off in separate directions.
Radish found himself in a thicket of juniper trees. The branches were dense enough to obscure him from most directions, but they were also obtrusive enough to slow his progress through. He crawled, not entire sure where he was going.
Okay, Radish, think. You've got four bat ponies hopped up on Discord dust, trying to kill you. They're stronger, faster, and have better senses. They know the island. The daylight is weakening them, but the day is half-over. And my own immunity to the pollen will only last until tomorrow.
So what do you have in your favor?
He looked down at the soil in front of him. Without an annual running of the leaves, the ground was bare of litter. A large black ant crossed his path carrying a blade of grass. He heard a twig rustle above him. A stinglet hopped down from a juniper branch, gobbled up the ant, then looked Radish in the eye. Radish waved to it. It waved to Radish with a wing.
Nightmare Moon used this island to explore her earth pony abilities. For an earth pony, this place is a playground... and an armory. The bat ponies know the island, but I understand it! I can work with it!
He made his way out of the juniper thicket and found himself in a deciduous forest. The trees were thick, ancient, and laden with thick, ancient mosses. He climbed one for a better view. He peeked out of the top of the canopy, seeing the vast island around him. In the center of the island was the volcano- the place of great power where the world's deadliest weapon waited.
You messed with the wrong pony, Discord. I'm going to save my brethren. I'm going to get that spear, and I'm going to take you down. Mass centered, mouth shut. You won't know what hit you.
Radish slid back down to the forest floor. He organized his gear, then took a swig of water from his canteen. He paused a moment to listen to the world around him, then moved on.
The Only Mark That Matters
Vesper silently touched down at a brick path crossroads. She checked each direction, sniffing the air and twitching her ears. A glint of metal in the bushes caught her eye. She slowly stalked toward it. It was unmistakably the gold hue of Radish's armor. She pounced.
She landed on the back of Radish's saddle plate and tore off Radish's helmet. She sank her teeth into and gobbled down a fat wet chunk of its occupant.
Its occupant was a coconut.
She looked down at the mangled remains of metal and fruit before her, licking the coconut's juice and pulpy shreds from her lips. She frowned, something in her memory breaching the surface of her chaos haze. She turned and saw Radish, unarmored, approaching her cautiously.
She fell over.
Radish caught her, lowering her gently to the ground and checking her pulse. It was strong. He swiftly left, knowing the others were rushing to check out the commotion.
The three bat stallions landed at her side. They poked her sleeping body, and got only snores in response. They fanned out, on the hunt.
Echo swooped through a meadow, scanning for any sign of Radish. He heard a splash in the distance, then banked to check it out. He found a pond with its surface rippling. He stalked its margins, then crouched, staring and waiting.
He heard the creak of wood in the tree behind him. He looked up to see Radish perched on the limb of an oak. Radish leapt at him.
Echo flapped to meet him mid-air, and the two stallions collided and went crashing into the pond. Echo used his wings to maneuver in the water, pushing them both down to bottom. He shoved Radish into the muddy bed, pressing his hooves into Radish's throat. One of Radish's few remaining breaths escaped him as a pained grunt bubbling up to the surface.
Radish struggled, trying to shove Echo off, but Echo's grip was like iron. He dug a hoof into the mud and tried to smear it in into Echo's face, but Echo swatted it away with a wing. Echo pressed his hooves harder.
His vision dimming, Radish looked sideways at the pond bottom. He breathed his last remaining breath as a gurgled command to the army which had amassed around them.
Echo felt his wings go numb, and then go limp. He twisted his neck to see numerous fat pink frogs clinging to them. More frogs leapt on him from all directions, numbing each spot they touched.
Radish emerged from the water, gasping and carrying Echo's unconscious body. He dragged Echo to land and lay him down, checking his breathing. The frogs gathered to watch.
"Thanks, all," Radish said, softly and hoarsely. "He'll be all right. Anyone hurt?"
The frogs ribbited in the negative.
"I need to go before the others come. Could you watch over him?"
The frogs ribbited in the affirmative.
Radish snuck between tall rows of corn stalks. He didn't know what evil plans Nightmare Moon had for a corn field on her island, but as long as it gave him cover, he didn't care. He reached the end of the row and peeked out, scanning the landscape.
A large grassland stretched out before him. In the distance beyond it was a vineyard, and beyond that was a large, wide mansion with smooth, tan walls, topped with a roof of thick green curved tiles.
Nightmare Moon had an adobe hacienda. And it's really nice.
He crept through ditches, behind hedges, and darted between topiaries. He made his way to the back of the manor, paused to listen, then reached for the back door.
It swung open quietly. He walked into the manor. Numerous large windows illuminated the interior. It was largely empty, except for a few pieces of furniture which looked hoof-carved. There was thick dust on every surface.
Okay. Maybe there's a library or records room. If I can get a sense of what every plant on this island does, maybe I can put together an antidote.
He explored the house. It didn't look well-used by pony or critter. He found a massive indoor pool, devoid of water. Judging by the lack of water marks on the walls, it had never been filled.
Nightmare Moon had so much all to herself that she never even used. Why did she even want the rest of the world?
He heard a door slam somewhere else in the house. He froze, then tip-toed to the next room. He heard hoofsteps, which quickened into a full gallop. They were coming his way. Radish ran. The intruder ran faster.
Radish reached a solarium full of empty planters. Murk burst into the room after him. He stared at Radish.
"Hey, Murky," Radish said softly. "How are you feeling?"
Murk charged at Radish. Radish reached into his bag. As Murk pounced, Radish shoved a kiwi into his maw. Murk landed on Radish, knocking him down while sinking his teeth into the fruit. He stopped moving, his eyes drooped, and he sat on the floor and drooled, as if stupefied. The punctured kiwi dropped out of his mouth. Radish put a hoof on his shoulder.
"Murk, can you understand me?"
"Yes."
"Are you okay?"
"No."
"Are you in pain?"
"Yes."
"How can I help you?"
"I don't know."
Radish's ears drooped. "Then what should I do?"
"Kill us before we kill you."
Radish shook his head. "No. Never."
Murk said nothing. Radish looked at the chewed kiwi on the ground.
"That's made you suggestible? You have to obey any command?"
"Yes."
"I command you to stop being affected by Discord's flowers."
Murk furrowed his eyes, as if trying to process this. He started to laugh in Discord's voice.
"Moonybuns! If you're hearing this message-"
"Damn it."
"-you tried to outwit my pollen using some kind of logic ! You seriously thought that would work?" He grinned maliciously, leaning forward. "I eat logic for breakfast . With a side of hash browns and bottomless mimosas."
Murk shook his head, then snarled at Radish. He seized Radish by the neck and threw him across the room. Radish struggled to his feet, gasping, "Stop being affected by Discord's flowers!"
Murk froze. He furrowed his eyes again. He laughed in Discord's voice, again.
"Moonybuns! If you're hearing this message-"
Radish pulled his pencil and notebook from his bag and tore out a page. He hastily scribbled "STOP BEING AFFECTED BY DISCORD'S FLOWERS" and shoved the note into Murk's hoof. He ran.
"-and bottomless mimosas." finished Murk for the second time. He looked around, not seeing Radish. He realized he was holding a note, and read it.
He furrowed his eyes. He laughed in Discord's voice.
"Moonybuns! If you're hearing this message-"
Radish crouched between boulders on the island's rocky shore. He looked up and down the coast.
Okay, the coast is clear. Huh... I've never used that phrase literally before.
What now? If I can find a safe place to sleep, maybe I can contact Luna in the dream world.
He frowned.
Then I'd have to tell her I failed the mission. That I failed my brethren. That I failed... her. Will she really disavow this mission? Would she leave me here? And what if Discord already has her in his clutches? What if I really am Equestria's last hope?
He shook his head.
No. You need to focus on a way to win, not all the ways you can lose.
He looked up the coastline.
Okay. That's the way we came in. It's the fastest way to the volcano, and it has decent cover. Maybe this 'place of great power' has the power to free my brethren.
He made his way down the coast. The carriage was still parked on the landing platform.
I didn't really give it a good look-over. I wonder if there's anything useful inside. Probably some quality booze, at least. I'll save it for the victory celebration.
He waked on, back to the trail he originally followed with his brethren. He heard metal groans behind him- the sound that large shock absorbers make. He turned to look.
Nocturn was standing on top of the carriage. He narrowed his eyes at Radish.
"Nocturn? Can we talk?"
Nocturn gripped the carriage and flapped furiously, slowly pulling it up off the ground.
"Hey, come on, bud," said Radish backing up. "That's not ours."
Nocturn hovered the coach toward Radish. Radish ran. He leapt sideways just as Nocturn released the coach. It crashed into the trail, its windows shattering and its cabin exploding into splinters. A flying chunk of wood clocked Radish in the back of the head, and he went rolling into the trailside mulch.
Radish turned to face Nocturn, but didn't see him. He caught a swooping shadow on the ground, and saw Nocturn in the sky, shoving several large clouds together. Nocturn bucked the aggregate cloud, turning it dark black. He seized it by the side, and aimed its bottom toward Radish.
Dammit, he's fighting like a pegasus.
Nocturn slammed his hooves into the storm cloud, and a massive bolt of lightning shot out the bottom. Radish leapt as it hit the ground inches from him. His fur stood on end and his teeth chattered from the rush of static in the air. His ears were ringing from the thunder. He forced himself up off the ground and limpingly shambled to cover.
Radish made it to a row of pine trees and hit the dirt just as Nocturn shot off another blast of lightning. The bolt struck the top of one of the trees. Nocturn plunged his hooves into the cloud and twisted it, then pulled out a jagged piece of hail as big as a bowling ball. He spun around and flung it at Radish.
Radish narrowly dodged it. Nocturn pelted the ground with chunks of hail of varying size, which shredded through the pines' branches. Radish found a tree with limbs thick enough to cover him from the worst of it. Nocturn hurled the rest of the cloud to the ground, and it burst into a bank of fog, flooding the space around Radish with cold wet white mist.
Radish couldn't see a thing now. He crouched low, listening. He heard a shriek ring out behind him. He heard another to his left.
I'm blind, and he's hunting me with echolocation. Okay, what do you know about sound waves?
Radish couldn't recall anything from Ranger Academy or Guard training about how sound works.
Twilight could probably lecture for days about it. I hope she's okay.
He felt a piercing pain in his ears. His scalp vibrated. Before he could move, hooves grabbed him by the neck and dragged him skyward. Nocturn flew Radish out of the fog bank. Radish kicked out his hooves and slipped to the ground, hitting the dirt hard and rolling. Nocturn hovered warily above him, out of reach. Radish climbed to his feet, knees shaking.
"Nocturn! Fight it!"
Nocturn blasted into the air and flew a large loop, then buzzed toward Radish at breakneck speed. Radish barely dodged as Nocturn sliced the air above his head, snapping his teeth at Radish. Nocturn then banked, and sped toward toward Radish in a tighter loop. Radish dug his hooves into the soil and flung a clod upwards as Nocturn swooped past him again. Nocturn's mouth filled with the dirt, and he landed on a tree branch to cough it out.
Nocturn heard the fluttering of dozens of tiny wings all around him. A flock of stinglets had gathered to watch the fight. Nocturn pointed at Radish and barked a command to the birds. The birds looked at Radish. He made a hoof gesture to them. They nodded to him.
They brandished their stingers and surrounded Nocturn, forming a cage in all directions. Radish ran. Nocturn spread his wings, but the stinglets moved in closer, stabbing at the air in front of him, forcing him to stay put on the branch. He looked at the ground, and Radish was gone.
Radish stood before the base of the volcano.
Is there a way in? A hidden door?
He cautiously walked around it for a few minutes. He saw nothing.
Okay, quit stalling. Nightmare Moon would have flown up there. You have to climb this thing.
He started to climb. In the distance, he heard a piercing screech. He climbed faster. He heard another, and he scrabbled harder up the slope. As he reached the halfway point, he heard a third screech, and when he reached the top, he heard a fourth.
He crested the top of the cone, breathing hard, and looked down into the crater. He gasped.
The volcano was dormant, all right. Growing inside of it was a massive tree, from below sea level up to the lip of the cone. The canopy was thick and green, and from what he could see of the trunk, it was wider than Luna's tower.
Wow.
The drop inside was long and steep. He started around the edge of the crater, looking for a way down. Four shadows appeared on the ground surrounding his own, and four sets of hooves crunched into the ground around him. The bat ponies surrounded him, spreading their wings to cordon him.
They hunched low, gritting their teeth. They seemed a lot more wary of Radish now. Echo took a step forward, as if daring Radish to pull out another earth pony trick. Radish was out of tricks. He took a step back, his rear hooves reaching the cliff edge. The bat ponies, satisfied, stalked toward Radish.
Radish drew the Ferrum knife from its sheath and held it defensively in front of himself. The bat ponies stopped. Their heads twitched, and their bodies shuddered. They took to two legs, and walked back and forth in front of Radish.
"Why, Moonbeam!" they laughed with Discord's voice. "You'll only hear this message is if you try to pull a knife on your minions. Wow, you must be getting really desperate! Are you a supervillain, or a back-alley thug? Oh, if only I could be there to see it. You're so much more fun to torment than your mild-mannered alter ego. Luna just cries like a baby when I toy with her."
Radish seethed. His hoof holding the knife shook.
"Go ahead. Cut your precious bat babies. We both know it's nothing compared to what you've already done to them. Maybe they'll... oops, looks like I'll have to cut this message short. Celestia's found some moldy old banishing spell scroll, and I'm going to let her believe it works on me. I think I'll wait until Hearth's Warming to reappear- really crush that holiday spirit, you know? Toodles!"
The bat ponies dropped back down to four legs. They resumed their approach.
"Please, guys. Stop. It's me."
They crouched to pounce. Radish held his knife close, and planted his hooves.
The world went dark.
Radish took a beat, not understanding what was happening. The bat ponies looked around, equally confused. The sun was gone, replaced by the moon. It was night, abrupt and unscheduled.
Discord. He's messing with the sky. That means he's done something to the princesses!
Radish's heart beat out of control. His stomach twisted. His skin crawled. His vision blurred. He searched his mind for options, ideas, or hope. He came up empty.
It's over. I couldn't save them. I couldn't save anyone.
He grit his teeth and closed his eyes.
It's the end of the world, and I'm alone.
The bat ponies started coughing.
Radish looked up. The four of them were hacking and wheezing, as if trying to hock up hairballs. They finally each spat a gray goop into the ground in front of Radish. Their eyes met Radish's as they rubbed their muzzles.
"Brother!" they shouted in their own voices.
They flew to Radish and hugged him from all sides. It took Radish a few beats to blink himself back to reality.
"Guys?" he asked hoarsely. "You're okay?"
"The night has restored our full strength!" cheered Vesper.
"And tipped the battle in our immune systems' favor!" said Echo.
"We have defeated and expelled the chaos pollen!" said Nocturn, pointing to the blobs of gray goo on the ground.
"And are free of Discord's foul influence and innumerable messages!" finished Murk.
Radish squeezed his brothers and sister. "I was so worried about you guys. I am so sorry."
"No, I am sorry," said Nocturn. "I could not stop myself."
"Thank you for sparing us," said Vesper.
"Of course," said Radish, wiping an eye. "But now we've got to-"
The moon plunged below the horizon. The sun shot up into the sky. It was day again. Radish looked his brethren in the eyes.
"Uh... guys?"
"Still good, Radish," said Murk. "Once immune, we cannot be retaken."
"Okay. Good." Radish sheathed his knife. "But we really need to get that spear."
"Hold on, brother," said Echo.
The bat ponies gripped Radish and glided down into the volcano. They landed on the soft black soil inside. Radish gazed up at the tree. It was bigger than he thought a tree could get.
"What kind of tree is this?”
“A Volcanic Ash," said Echo. "It draws power from the earth and sky, and concentrates it into the weapon."
“Where's the weapon?”
“Here, brother," said Vesper.
She pointed to a patch on the tree where the bark seemed to be growing in concentric circles around a dark spot.
“This is the door. It requires an earth pony to open.”
Radish held his hoof against the dark spot. He closed his eyes and focused his senses. He felt past the bark. The tree was old, strong, and aware of him. Radish could feel the power Echo spoke of, coursing through it. There was an anomaly- a hollow deep inside.
Suddenly, he could no longer feel the bark. He opened his eyes, and the bark had receded, leaving the hollow open to the world. He peered inside.
The walls of the interior of the tree were lined with dark green mushrooms. Radish took a step back.
"Okay, these must be a security feature. I bet these mushrooms are poison, or explosive, or something."
Murk approached a mushroom and sniffed it. He bit one off the wall and chewed it. He swallowed.
"I taste no poison or explosives, brother. And they have a rich, nutty flavor. I think they would be best deep-fried in butter."
"More than that," said Nocturn. "They are the chamber's source of illumination."
He tapped a mushroom twice. It lit up with a bright green glow. The mushrooms next to it also lit up, and then the rest. The entire hollow was bathed in green light.
Radish carefully stepped inside. In the center was a knotty wooden column rising from the ground into the ceiling. The column opened itself as he approached it, revealing a compartment long enough to contain a spear.
Radish looked inside. It was empty.
On the interior wall of the compartment, a message had been gouged by spearhead in a messy script:
Dear Moon-moon, Thanks for the backscratcher! Hugs and kisses, Discord
"Damn it!" howled Radish. He slammed two hooves into the wall, smashing some of the mushrooms into a splatter of goo. He grit his teeth and tried to calm himself.
"Is there anything else on this island that we could bring back? Anything useful at all?”
“Against Discord... no,” said Echo.
Radish slumped against the wall, sinking to the floor. "That's it, then. Equestria is doomed because of me. I'm the worst Champion of all time."
Murk sat down next to him. "Radish, this is not your fault."
"It doesn't matter. I still lost."
Vesper sat at his other side. "Nightmare Moon once told us that a blade cannot be sharpened without some loss. But the blade is better for it."
Radish looked at his brethren. "Huh."
He pulled out the Ferrum knife from its sheath. He placed it gently in the empty compartment. It levitated, slowly turning end-over-end, and sparkled with a soft golden light.
"We'll leave this to get powered up. Maybe one day, someone can put it to good use. But what I'm not going to leave here is Discord's graffiti scars."
He placed two hooves on the column, closed his eyes, and focused. The bat ponies gathered, watching him.
"The tree knows how to heal itself. It wants to heal itself. It just needs an earth pony to take the first step with it." He lowered his voice. "It's okay, old one. I'm here."
He stepped back. The column closed around the knife. He nodded, smiling, and led his brethren out of the tree. The bark covered over the hollow.
"I'm sorry, guys," said Radish. "We failed Luna."
“Perhaps the Element of Harmony bearers are up to the task?" offered Echo.
“It shouldn’t have been their task to begin with!" Radish said. "They're not trained for this. Every guard in the castle knew what they were signing up for. We’ve pledged our lives to defend Equestria. Those six just had this life thrust upon them. It’s not fair that civilians should risk their lives for guards.”
The bat ponies shared a look, then nodded to each other.
"The sisters have truly changed," said Nocturn. "Nightmare Moon would have thought nothing of sending civilians to fight her battles. Now Celestia does so, and Luna seeks another way."
"That's... it's not Celestia's fault. The Elements only work for those girls."
"Could they not pass the Elements to more capable fighters? Like Brother Radish and his fellow guards?" asked Echo.
Radish sighed. "I don't know. Maybe they really are chosen ones."
"Chosen by who?" asked Murk.
"I have no clue. But if I ever meet them, I've got some words for them. Come on. We've got to report back to Luna. But not before tying up some loose ends.”
Radish emerged from a hole in the middle of the destroyed flower field. He held up a black-and-white striped flower bulb in his hoof.
"Here it is. The chaos flowers were growing from this bulb. Maybe someone out there can analyze this, and figure out how Discord's powers work."
Murk peered closely at it. "It looks so much like a radish."
Radish looked at it. "Let's not read into that."
Vesper dropped down to Radish's side, holding his armor.
"I found it. It seems I mangled it pretty badly," she said, sheepishly. "And I could not find your spear."
"Don't worry about it," said Radish, redonning the damaged armor.
They moved on to the remains of the carriage. Its broken timbers and windows were strewn across the path.
"Oh," said Nocturn. "Did I do that?"
"Yeah," said Radish.
"Sorry."
"It's okay. It's probably insured."
Radish picked through its wreckage, finding only a golf towel, some maps, and a half-empty bottle of bourbon. He put them in his bag. He looked to the sky. It was day, for now. Which day, however, Radish couldn't be sure of.
"Now, how are we going to get off the island? Are there carriages parked here?"
"There's a schooner docked on the west side," said Murk.
"That's like a boat? Can you sail it?"
"Yes. We acquired it in the first place."
"Stole it, you mean?"
"Well... yes."
"Great. We can have a nice cruise to the end of the world."
Radish started walking west. The bat ponies followed him.
"You know, Radish," said Echo, "even Nightmare Moon faced setbacks. Sometimes she faced self-doubt and despair. But she always strove onward."
"Really?
"In those days, there was a mystery interloper. An earth stallion, clad all in black, hiding his face and bearing no symbol. He frequently disrupted Nightmare Moon's plans in their infancy."
"There was some kind of... ninja earth stallion, going around foiling Nightmare Moon?"
"Yes. Vesper had a crush on him."
"I respected him as a worthy adversary!" hissed Vesper.
"The point is," said Echo, "those defeats were what prompted Nightmare Moon to explore her earth pony side. She realized that by neglecting a third of her being, she was incomplete. That is why she established Never Atoll. To learn more about herself, and thus, her enemy."
"What happened to him?"
"We do not know," said Murk. "We never saw him again after he stole the lenses."
"Lenses?"
"Nightmare Moon once crafted an array of magically-treated lenses," said Nocturn. "It was intended to draw away the power of the sun, turning it into a second moon."
"Sheesh. How close did she get?"
"Not very. She had no means of getting them close enough to the sun."
"Oh, so Nightmare Moon didn't have a spaceship?"
"Not that we knew of."
Radish stopped in his tracks. "Then... what's in there?"
He pointed to the western face of the volcano. Built into rock was a giant door, similar to the hangar door of the mountain lair.
Nocturn squinted at it. "Oh, that's just the cannon."
Radish looked at the bat ponies. "Cannon?"
Radish and the bat ponies stood on the slope of the volcano, in front of a steel bunker hatch jutting out from the rock. The door was painted with a stylized depiction of a cannon.
"It was intended to be the distribution system for her pollens," Nocturn explained. "Gasses from the volcano would be stored in a compressed state, then used to blast payloads of pollen high into the atmosphere. The jet stream currents would spread them all over the world. Unfortunately, the jet streams shifted, and she gave up the plan."
"Huh," said Radish. "It was all or nothing with her, wasn't it?"
"This is the door to the control room. It opens with this," said Echo, pointing to a lever in the rock.
"Yeah, I'm not touching that. Discord already messed with two things on this island, and jokes always come in threes."
"I thought it was deaths that come in threes," said Vesper.
"I doubt Discord knows the difference. I'm not falling for his nonsense a third time. But I still want to inspect this cannon. We need to make sure Discord hasn't tampered with it. Is there another way inside that he could have overlooked?"
"Uh... there's a ventilation shaft," said Nocturn, pointing up the slope. "Discord probably doesn't consider a building's ventilation needs."
"Crawling through air vents, huh? Most guards dream of that."
"Why?" asked Murk.
"It's, you know, real action hero stuff."
"Oh."
They found the air shaft camouflaged by brush above the door, and pulled off its cover. Radish peered down into the dark shaft. He led the bat ponies inside.
They braced themselves against the sides and slid down until the shaft turned and forked. They opened a grate, and dropped down inside a control room, similar to the one above the fight pit in the mountain lair. It had thick glass windows overlooking a vast open room. A large steel tube, aimed at the hangar doors, occupied most of the room.
"That's a big cannon," said Radish. "Does everything look like it should?"
"It seems to be untouched," said Vesper. "But... oh. That is not right."
They looked out another window at the rear of the cannon. The bat ponies gasped at what they saw. Radish groaned.
"Discord tampered with the launch system!" said Nocturn. "He has replaced the gas storage tank with a giant pink bag!"
"It's called a 'whoopee cushion', guys," Radish sighed.
"Why?" asked Echo.
"Because it makes a fart sound," growled Radish disdainfully.
They followed stairs out of the control room to the ground floor, and approached the cannon. There was a large hatch in the side for loading it, and a small porthole so one could confirm the payload. Radish cupped his hooves around his face and peered through it. He grumbled. The bat ponies took turns looking into it.
Loaded inside the cannon was a banana cream pie, two meters wide and topped with a mountain of whipped cream that was bigger than Radish.
"Nobody eat that," said Radish.
"We wouldn't dream of it," said Murk, licking his chops.
"So," said Radish, pacing the floor, "the propellant is a gag, the ammunition is a gag... the target must be a gag, too. Is there a way to see what it's aimed at?"
"Yes. There's a targeting system," said Nocturn. "I'll show you."
He led them back into the control room. He pointed to a part of the console, where there were two flat plates, each about the size of a large pony's hoof.
"This device uses micro-gyroscopes to attune to the Earth's geomagnetic field. It allows an earth pony to extend their senses far across the landscape. One can aim the cannon with a thought."
"Are you serious!? That's science fiction-level technology, even today! Why didn't Nightmare Moon just share her inventions with the world? She would have gotten the love she wanted, no evil schemes necessary."
"We asked her that once. She told us that respect earned through deeds is not respect at all, just fleeting social currency. She said she was fighting for the love she was already entitled to."
"Huh. So, how do we know the target?"
"We can examine the gyroscopes in here," said Nocturn, sliding open a hatch cover on the wall. "Oh... that... that is not a gyroscope."
Radish looked into the hatch. Mounted inside of the machinery was a long golden spear.
He inhaled sharply. "Is that..."
"Yes," said Murk.
"What's it doing there?" Radish asked warily.
Vesper looked at it, then the control panels, then the cannon. "It's replacing the targeting system. Discord planned to use Celestia's own spear to lock onto her body's magnetic field. She is the target."
"All this high technology, all that chaos magic, and it's all just used to throw a pie at Celestia," muttered Radish. "But why didn't it ever launch?"
"Look at this, brother," said Echo. He pointed to a small wire attached by a wad of chewed gum to a closed hatch. The wire ran into the control console. "I believe the exterior door was booby-trapped. Had we entered the normal way, we would have set off the launch sequence."
"Okay, good. We're finally one step ahead of Discord. Now, how do we-"
The door slid open by itself, detaching the wire. It shut itself. It opened and shut several times in a row. The squeaking of metal sounded a bit like mocking laughter.
"What in the-"
"We did not touch it!" said Murk.
"No," said Radish. "It's-"
A piercing alarm blared out of the ceiling. Red warning lights illuminated the walls of the control room and cannon deck. All the doors to the control room slammed shut and bars closed over the air vent, trapping Radish and the bat ponies inside. The whole room vibrated, and the massive doors to the outside of the mountain rumbled, then started to open. The cannon started moving forward. A speaker on the wall of the control room buzzed on.
"Hey, Mooncheeks! If you're hearing this message-"
"I'm getting real sick of that phrase," growled Radish.
"-you've just tripped the countdown on your big honkin' boomstick. Don't worry- this blue steel beauty is going to be put to much better use than your silly complete global saturation plan. Get this- it's going to launch a banana cream pie right into Celestia's face! That sourpuss of hers could really use a bit of sweetener, you know? T-minus sixty and counting!"
"Is there an abort button?" asked Radish. "A shutdown code? A cancel command?"
The bat ponies shook their heads.
"It was all or nothing with Nightmare Moon," said Nocturn.
Radish put his hooves on the guidance system's control plates. Crackles of electricity snapped at his hooves, and he yelped and hopped back. "Damn it!"
Radish gripped the spear and pulled with all his might. It was affixed into the wall by two thick clamps which resembled different animal claws cobbled together out of scrap metal parts. It didn't budge.
"Come on, guys! Help me get this out!" The five of them pulled, to no avail.
Radish pointed at the window. "Bust through that and smash the cannon!"
"Brother Radish, it is only a pie," said Murk.
"She's had enough humiliation on my account! Do it!"
The bat ponies beat at the glass. It didn't scratch. Radish dumped out his bag, looking for something useful.
"Oh... I forgot about this," he said, holding up the metal-corroding pepper.
He crushed it against the clamps, smearing its juice onto them. The liquid dissolved the metal on contact, producing smoke and a hiss that sounded a bit like a squealing creature. The clamps jerked open and released the spear.
Radish held the spear at last.
"Heh. It's warm. Now we can- gaakkk!"
The clamps extended out of the wall and seized Radish by the throat. He struggled in their grasp and dropped the pepper, which splattered the floor of the control room. Its leaking juices ate through the floor, and it sank out of sight in a smoking haze.
The bat ponies attacked the clamps with hooves and teeth, trying to pry Radish from their grasp. They wrenched him away, and pulled him to the far side of the room. The clamps continued to extend toward them and snap at the air.
Radish looked at where he dumped out the contents of his bag. He held up the chaos flower bulb.
"Thanks for the housewarming gift, Discord. I've got something for you, too."
He jammed it into the clamps. They snatched it, then receded back into the wall, holding it tight like a prize. A crackle of electricity passed over the bulb. There was a groan of metal, and the cannon readjusted its aim.
"Ten seconds to launch!" Discord's voice announced over the speakers with glee. "Nine! Eight!"
"Everyone cover your ears!" cried Radish. They hit the floor together.
"Sev- oh, who's got time to wait? One! Special delivery!"
The giant whoopie cushion let rip into the cannon.
The sound made by the launch of the pie was the worst thing Radish had ever heard. The massive pie rocketed out of the launch tube and into the sky.
Radish and his siblings peeked out through the window. The lights in the complex died out, leaving the space lit only by the outside. The clamps went limp and dropped the chaos bulb, which rolled over to Radish. The control room doors slid open.
"Hope you saved room for dessert, Discord," said Radish.
"Brother, you just saved Celestia from a big pie!" said Vesper.
"Guards protect princesses," Radish said, putting the chaos bulb back in his bag. "Even from the absurd."
"We will tell her what you did for her!" said Echo. "She may lie with you in thanks!"
Radish laughed. "If only it were that easy."
He looked at the spear in his hooves. He gripped it tight, and focused his senses into it.
"I was afraid of this. Discord took it from the tree the same year Nightmare Moon placed it there. It only absorbed one growing season's worth of power."
"Is that a lot?" asked Nocturn.
"For a farmer, it's everything. For a weapon... I don't know. Maybe with enough strength and the right aim, it could bust his hide."
"You don't seem as upset as one would expect," said Echo.
"I've used up my supply of self-pity for today. If I can't stick this through his heart, I'll ram it down his throat."
"Brother," said Murk, touching Radish's shoulder, "I think Nightmare Moon would have liked you."
"Oh? Thank you."
The five trotted out onto the island's west dock. A large black schooner was tied off, bow-out.
"Well, it looks seaworthy," said Radish. "There aren't even any barnacles."
"Even barnacles feared Nightmare Moon!" said Echo.
Radish peered closer at the boat's hull. There was a family crest painted on the stern. He laughed. "You guys stole this boat from the Wagoners, too."
"Perhaps its return will soothe the loss of their carriage?" said Nocturn.
"Nah. Statute of limitations, plus marine salvage law. This tub is ours now."
"You could use it to take Celestia for a pleasure sail," suggested Vesper.
"Or Applejack!" said Nocturn.
"Or Luna ," said Murk.
"I do not believe it will sail very far with any mare," said Echo, peering over the pier. "The water is no longer water."
The others looked. The ocean was dark brown and densely viscous. The waves were no longer moving, but jiggling slightly. Radish grit his teeth.
"Guys, is that...?"
"Yes," said Murk, sniffing. "The seas are now chocolate pudding."
"Don't eat that."
"...okay."
"Radish," said Echo, "We have been in the sun too long, battling both you and the chaos pollen. We are at our limits. We do not have the strength to fly back. If we cannot sail, we will need to rest until night."
"There might not even be night anymore," sighed Radish. He looked off into the distance. The island was still encircled by a wall of mist. He spread out the maps from the carriage across the dock in front of him. "When you guys stole this boat, did you get it from the mainland?"
"No," said Nocturn. "It was moored at an island a short flight from here."
"Was it this one?" Radish asked, pointing to a small circular island a few grid squares away from their position.
"Yes."
"That makes sense. That's the Wagoner family's private island. They've always had more boats than anyone, and nowadays, they have zeppelins. If you can get us to the island, we can take one to Canterlot."
"You wish to steal one of their vehicles?" Vesper asked.
"No. When a royal guard does it, it's called 'commandeering'. One of the perks of the job when Celestia signs your checks."
"I believe we can make it," Vesper said. The other bat ponies nodded.
"All right then," said Radish, gathering up his things. "We're in a world that's falling to chaos, and all we've got is a moldy old flower bulb, an undercooked weapon, and a bare-bones plan."
"Are you worried?" asked Echo.
"No. Because we've also got each other."
The Only Mark That Matters
Vesper's assertion that they could reach the island was almost correct- the bat ponies succumbed to exhaustion just short of its coastline. They, with Radish, fell out of the sky and hit the skin of the pudding sea at an angle. They bounced to shore like stones and skidded into the beach.
Radish coughed up part of a seashell. "Is everyone okay?"
"Yes, just sticky," said Echo.
"Where's the spear?"
"Here, brother," said Nocturn, passing Radish the spear. "It is also sticky."
Radish blinked the sand out of his eyes, then gazed up at the sky. It was purple with swirls of gold. The moon was slowly rotating counterclockwise. "Wait, is it night already?"
"Not quite, it's-"
The night disappeared as the sun shot up. A red ringed planet loomed massive in the daytime sky. V-shaped flocks of toasters were flying overhead.
"Another of Discord's sudden, short-lived nights," said Murk.
"Okay. Let's go."
Radish tucked the spear under his armor's straps, then trudged off the beach. The bat ponies trudged after him. They reached a boardwalk, and followed it down the coast.
Radish didn't know what the Wagoner's private island was supposed to look like on a normal day- he had imagined massive swimming pools, manicured lawns, and badminton courts. He found swimming pools that were purple and bubbling, lawns that were shaggy and translucent, and ostriches using the badminton courts. Radish avoided eye contact with them as he passed.
He stopped in front of a large piece of metal sticking through the boardwalk. He made a sound of disgust when he realized what it was supposed to be.
"What is it?" asked Echo.
"It's a fork in the path ."
The bat ponies tilted their heads. A giant sterling silver fork was sticking by its tines into the boards.
Vesper patted Radish on the back. "Do not despair, Radish. We will defeat Discord, and all his execrable visual gags."
"Yeah."
Beyond the fork, the walkway branched. One path led to the back of a massive manor, while the other continued along the shore to a multileveled marina, with docks for boats and mooring towers for airships above them. The docks had numerous yachts, schooners, and cutters all mired in the chocolate pudding sea. The airship moorings had a single zeppelin anchored- a massive air cruise liner. They headed down the path to the docks.
"Were you guys around for Discord the first time?" Radish asked.
"We did not encounter him face-to-face," said Nocturn. "Nightmare Moon clashed with him on a few occasions, but she ordered us to stay out of it each time."
"How long did this go on for?"
"Luna turned into Nightmare Moon and back regularly over the course of three years," said Echo. "Discord first appeared early in the second year, and was defeated toward the end of the third."
"His reign was as chaotic as his shape," said Murk. "He would take over a part of Equestria, then grow bored and unexpectedly abandon it. Sometimes he would disappear for months with no explanation. Sometimes upstart heroes would step forth to oppose him with new spells or weapons. It did not go well for them."
"But that's what I'm doing."
"We are sure it will go well for you," Murk said encouragingly.
"It was Nightmare Moon who first learned of the Elements of Harmony," recounted Vesper. "But she was unable to access them. She anonymously leaked their whereabouts to Celestia, allowing the royal sisters to finally defeat Discord."
"Nightmare Moon led Celestia to the Elements, even knowing they could be used against her?"
"It was a calculated risk. Discord needed to be dealt with swiftly. Celestia's defeat required undivided focus."
"Huh."
"However, the newly-freed citizens of Equestria overwhelmingly credited Celestia with the victory, treating Luna as no more than a mere sidekick," said Nocturn. "That insult enraged the Nightmare Moon personality within Luna, making her grow too powerful to hide any longer. She overtook Luna, eclipsed the sun, and directly challenged Celestia. The rest you know."
"Hmm. If this has all happened before, what's to stop it from happening again?"
"That... is a good question," said Echo.
They passed a grove of trees, where a stallion in sporty day wear was lounging in a hammock, sipping a drink. He tipped down his sunglasses to get a look at them.
"Hey there, folks. You lost?"
"Forgive the unannounced visit, sir. I'm Lieutenant Root of the Royal Guard. My team and I crash-landed here."
"Anchor Point," the stallion said, pointing to himself. "I'm the fleet manager for this island."
"Excellent. We're on a critical mission for the princesses. We need to borrow transportation back to Canterlot."
"Sorry, friend. The seas are in no condition for sailing today. And there's no pegasi chauffeurs to fly you out- the help all took the day off."
"Then I'll need an airship."
"Ah, none of the family's airships are available right now. They're acting... funny."
"What about that?" asked Radish, pointing to the cruise liner.
"Oh, that's not one of ours. That's a party ship! It just showed up, and everyone on the island suddenly had one of these flyers appear in their hooves."
He held up a gilded scroll. Radish leaned close to read it.
HOP ABOARD THE CHAOS PARTY CRUISE!
Radish chewed the inside of his cheek.
"So the ship just showed up? Like it was expecting me?"
"Apparently it's been stopping at all the private islands is this area. Everyone who's anyone is going."
"Going to the capital... which is where I need to go," said Radish.
"Have fun."
"Sir, there's nothing fun about this. That ship was created by Discord, an ancient chaos monster who's corrupting reality as we know it."
"Ah, that explains everything. I mean, take a look at this."
He held up his drink for Radish to see. Radish cocked an eyebrow.
"Uh, what is it?"
"This is supposed to be half iced tea and half lemonade. But instead, it's half lemonade and half iced tea!"
"That's, uh, weird, all right."
"I suppose I could drink it backwards..."
"Why aren't you boarding the ship with everyone else?"
"I'd love to, but this hammock is actually a giant spider web. I can't get up."
"Would you like me to cut you loose?"
"Oh, don't bother. I'm not so sure I'm actually real."
"...what?"
"Enjoy the cruise!"
Anchor Point got comfortable and sipped his drink. Radish and the bat ponies backed away slowly, then made their way to the docks. The ship's horn blew twice.
Radish and his brethren climbed a platform up to a gangplank. An earth pony in a white nautical uniform was standing aside it, grinning widely.
"Hello, there! Five more to board?"
"Yes."
"Tickets?"
"I thought there was no admission."
"That's correct! Come right aboard!"
"Oh? Thank you. Are you... okay?"
"I'm feelin' fine! Everything's shipshape! Especially the ship!"
"Are you... real?"
"Yes, sir! Real excited about getting underway! Oh- but you've got to check that weapon," he said, pointing to the spear.
Radish held it in his hooves. "I did check it. I think it could work."
"Perfect! Enjoy the amenities and accommodations!"
"Steward! You're not letting that pony onto the ship, are you?" called a snooty voice from the deck. "He's positively filthy . His costume is in shambles, and that hideous spear of his is going to scuff the floor!"
Radish squinted to see who was speaking. It was a tall, violet unicorn stallion in a tuxedo. He gazed down at Radish with distain. Radish gazed up at him with more distain.
"Sir, I am a royal guard on a mission for the princesses. Unless you're a princess, you don't have the authority to keep me from coming aboard."
"Do you have any idea who you're talking to?"
"Not a princess, from the looks of it."
"Don't they teach you grunts anything? Surely even a spearhorse must realize when he is speaking to a key member of Equestrian society!"
"Forgive my ignorance, sir! I didn't expect to find a key member of Equestrian society taking a pleasure cruise during the end of the world."
"Oh, the world is always ending for you guards. Steward, do your job and cast us off."
"Okey dokey!" said the steward, still grinning. He looked at Radish. "Sorry, sir."
"Now, look here! We are getting on this ship, and-"
"Enough!" called the unicorn. "Your captain will be hearing about this. Within the week, you won't be able to get a job as a crossing guard."
"Brother, shall I throw him into the harbor?" asked Vesper.
The unicorn looked at her and made a small gasp. He walked down the gangplank, shoved past Radish, and approached Vesper, smiling.
"Well, well, well! What have we here? Hello, miss."
"Hello," she said.
"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Princely Sum." he said, proudly pointing to his chest.
"I am Vesper."
"What a lovely name!"
"Thank you. Nightmare Moon gave it to me."
"How interesting! Are you coming aboard? I'd love to hear all about it."
"May my brothers come, too?"
"Hmm? Oh, but of course. Now, watch your step on the gangway..."
He led Vesper by the hoof up to the deck. The steward, still grinning widely, motioned for Radish and the bat stallions to follow.
The cruise airship was a massive teardrop-shaped zeppelin suspended from a lozenge-shaped gas envelope. Its main deck, open to the air, was crowded full of reveling ponies. As Anchor Point had said, the guests looked like they had been going about their business on several islands, then dropped what they were doing to board. Many carried elaborate tropical drinks in their hooves, wings, or auras. Most were wearing flower leis. The sounds of steel drums and vuvuzelas filled the air.
Radish pushed through the crowds, staying on Princely Sum's heels. Suddenly, he felt the spear being tugged off his back. He turned to see two ponies in grass skirts setting it up as a limbo bar. There was already a line of ponies ready to limbo under it.
"Hey! Give that back!" he snarled, snatching it. The limbo crowd booed him.
He looked around and saw that he had lost track of Princely Sum and Vesper in the crowd. He had lost track of all the bat ponies. He sighed, shoved forward, and found himself trapped between a conga line and a shuffleboard tournament.
Only Discord could make a party this irritating.
Princely Sum guided Vesper to the bow of the ship. They gazed out at the skies before them.
"Quite the view, eh?" he asked. "You can see clear to Manehattan from up here. Ever been?"
"Once."
"I keep an apartment there. Well, an apartment and a mansion."
The ship's horn blasted, and Vesper held her ears.
"Did that frighten you, Miss Vesper?"
"I have very sensitive hearing."
"Oh, then these crowds must be torture for you! Would you like to retreat to my cabin, where it is quieter?"
"Will your bodyguards allow it?"
"To whom do you refer?"
"The zebra mare at the starboard rail. The pronghorn doe by the bulkhead. The pegasus mare on the deck above. They have all been watching us intently, scanning the crowd, and maintaining strategic positions surrounding us. Unless they are your enemies, they are your protectors."
"How perceptive of you. Yes, they work for me. An important pony like myself must travel with protection. You know, I'm always looking to hire more."
"I have experience in this field."
"We could conduct an interview during the flight."
"I would like that."
"Vesper!" yelled Radish from behind them.
They turned to seem him clinging to the spear. A flower lei had been draped over his neck, and a wet T-shirt was now wrapped around the spear. Vesper saw Princely's bodyguards now on the move, stalking their way toward him.
"Excuse me, we're having a conversation here," said Princely Sum.
"My brother is being protective," said Vesper. "Please excuse us."
She took Radish a few steps away.
"Vesper, you're not-"
"Radish, there is more going on here than we know. I believe this Princely Sum may be involved with Discord in some way."
"All the more reason I don't want you alone with him."
"I was not born yesterday. I was born a thousand years before you."
Radish sighed. "Sometimes I forget that."
"Do you trust me?"
"Yes. Just... be careful."
She patted Radish on the head. "Don't wait up."
The cruise liner cast off, propelling itself through the skies by six massive articulated fins. Radish explored the decks. He found the ship's buffet restaurant. Murk was seated in front of four plates piled high with food. Radish sat down at his table.
"Murk, I don't think we should eat this food. Discord created it."
"It has had no effect on these other ponies. I believe it is safe."
"What is that?" Radish asked, pointing a slice of something on one of Murk's plates.
"Cinnamon Pickle pie."
"What the fuck?"
"You should try it."
"No. Have you seen your brothers?"
"Check the bathrooms. Echo gets airsick."
"Airsick? He's a bat pony."
"Airship flight is different. You bob unnaturally through the air as you go. Up and down. To and fro. Rolling, pitching, yawing..."
"Stop."
Radish explored more of the ship, finding pools, theaters, and exercise rooms. He entered a large lounge bar and took a booth. He pulled out the book Luna gave him and started to read. After a while, a waiter placed a cloudy drink in a coupe glass down in front of him.
"I didn't order anything."
"Compliments of the lady in red," the waiter said, nodding back over his shoulder.
"Lady in red?"
Radish looked to where the waiter was indicating. Seated at the bar was a crimson earth mare. She had a long scarlet mane which draped down over the left half of her face. Her uncovered eye was dark green with long, black lashes. Her cutie mark was a thorny yellow rose. She slipped off her stool and approached Radish, her scarlet tail swaying high as she walked. His heartbeat quickened as she neared.
"Hello, soldier. Come here often?" she asked, brushing her hair over her ear.
Her voice was smoky like quality scotch, her smile was decadent like fine champagne, and the look in her eyes was dangerous as bathtub gin.
"Hello, miss," Radish said slowly.
She can't be real. She must be another creation of Discord. I bet he based her look on some classic movie starlet.
"I'm Fetching Steps," she said, leaning in close to Radish and holding out a hoof.
"Lieutenant Root," Radish said, shaking her hoof and quickly disengaging.
"I like your spear, Lieutenant Root," she said, gazing up at it appreciatively.
"Thanks. I'm bringing it to my boss."
"Oh, really? Your boss has exquisite taste."
That's what she's after. She'll try to grab it as soon as I let my guard down.
She looked down at Radish's book.
"Oh, Daddy Long-Shanks ? That's a classic," she said, sliding into the booth opposite him.
"You've read it?"
She leaned on the table with her chin on her hooves. "Mmm-hmm. But the protagonist is a bit too much of a starry-eyed optimist for my tastes."
"You prefer someone a bit more world-weary?"
She chuckled warmly. "I've been around this big blue marble of ours a few times. It's a wearying world, for those of us who don't live in a palace."
"Is that why you're taking a pleasure cruise?"
"No, I'm here to work."
"What line of work are you in, Miss Steps?"
"I'm an aide to a very powerful individual."
I bet you are.
She dipped her head toward the drink in front of Radish. "Go ahead. Enjoy. Everything on this ship is top-shelf."
"I'm sorry. I can't drink when I'm on duty. And no one should drink when they're carrying a weapon."
"Ah, how upstanding of you. May I, then?"
"Go right ahead."
She knocked back the drink in one swallow, then leaned back in her seat. "Mmm. Got any plans after we reach the capital?"
"I'll be reporting back to the palace."
"But the palace is in Canterlot."
"Yes? Canterlot is the capital."
"Ah, but this ship isn't going to that capital. We're going to Ponyville- the 'Chaos Capital of the World'. Or it will be, when Discord gets through with it."
Radish scowled. "That's not going to happen. Where did you hear that?"
"From the very powerful individual that I aid."
"Does this individual have a name?"
She grinned. "Sorry, one drink isn't enough to make me spill all my secrets."
She stood up and leaned over Radish. "But if you'd like to know more, I'll be in Suite 202."
"I'm not-"
She turned and walked away, disappearing into the crowd. Radish grumbled. He saw Nocturn entering the room, and waved him over.
"Hello, brother," said Nocturn.
"Hey. Did you see that girl who was just here?"
"No. Why?"
"Never mind. What have you been up to?"
"Examining the ship. It is far faster than it should be for its size and configuration."
"You know a lot about airships?"
"I like to watch the uptown docks before sleeping. It brings peace of mind."
"I should try that sometime."
"Do you lack peace of mind, brother?"
"I'm not sure. What's it feel like?"
An older pegasus mare walked up to their table. "Say! That's a nice spear! Is that your tribute?"
"Tribute, ma'am?" Radish asked. "Tribute for what?"
"For Discord, of course! Everypony who's anypony is bringing him tribute."
"Oh, they are, are they? Does that include you?"
"Naturally! Look at this." She showed Radish an antique spyglass. "This has been in my family for ages. They say Discord enjoys pranks, so I had it converted into one of those joke telescopes that gives you a black eye!"
Radish grimaced. "Is that a Ferrum Flats spyglass?"
"You know your history! Yes, this is one of his originals. Worth a fortune."
"And you turned it into a gag gift for Discord?"
"Maybe he'll use it to prank Celestia herself!"
"Uh huh."
She spotted a group of her friends at a table, and trotted off to sit with them. Radish leaned over to Nocturn.
"Nocturn, have other ponies been acting happy about Discord taking over?"
"Yes. Everyone at that table has spoken of the idea with great anticipation."
"How is Discord controlling them? Were the invitations hexed? Is it the food? Could he be here?"
"It is simpler than that. I believe they are of sound mind. They are simply on Discord's side."
"That's impossible. Why would a pony side with Discord?"
"In the old days, a delegation of ponies from Equestria's upper echelons approached Nightmare Moon, pledging their loyalty in exchange for high-ranking positions in her regime."
"What!? There were ponies who knew about Nightmare Moon, but instead of reporting her to Celestia, they joined up with her?"
"Yes. They believed Nightmare Moon's reign was an opportunity to gain power they could never attain by legitimate means."
"That's insane. What happened to them?"
"Nightmare Moon recognized that ponies who would readily turn on Celestia, would readily turn on anyone. She made use of their resources to build her bases, then demanded they earn their prestige in her fight pit."
"How did that turn out?"
"Messily."
"Yikes. But how could these ponies think they'd benefit from Discord's reign?"
"That group is going to another room to discuss that very topic now. Oh- but one just mentioned they'll use a soundproofing spell. I won't be able to listen in."
"Then I need to get into that meeting."
Radish studied the group. There were eight ponies of varying ages, both mares and stallions, from all three tribes. Radish didn't recognize any of them. As they stood up and made their way out, one of them- an older earth stallion- beckoned to someone in the crowds. Fetching Steps joined up with him, and they left the room. Right before they were all out, she turned and gave Radish a wink.
"I really need to get into that meeting. Could you guard the spear?"
"I am honored you trust me with it. But... is that the girl you asked about?"
"Yes."
"Be wary, brother. Nightmare Moon warned us about mares like that."
"Yeah. My Ma did, too. Time to disappoint them."
Princely Sum led Vesper into his suite. He motioned her to join him on the sofa, and passed her a glass of wine.
"So, Miss Vesper, let's start by getting a sense of your work experience."
"I was an enforcer for Nightmare Moon. Then I held no position for a millennium. Now I am a nighttime guard for Princess Luna at the royal palace."
"And how do you explain that gap in your employment history?"
"My boss was in the moon."
"Ah, well, it happens. So, where do you see yourself in five years?"
"In a world not controlled by Discord." She leaned close to him. "Now, how can your organization help me achieve my goal?"
"I'm afraid I don't catch your drift."
"I know who you are."
He leaned away, frowning. "Drat. How?"
"I recognize you from the Gala."
"Ah."
"Why are you here?"
"A much more interesting question is, why are Radish Root and the bat ponies here?"
"I believe we have the same purpose."
He leaned toward her. "The we should put our heads together."
She leaned in close to him. "Yes. We should."
Radish tailed the group from the lounge to the First Class cabins. They entered a room together- Suite 202. Radish stalked up to the rear of the group just as the last of them were passing through the door. A pony at the end noticed Radish and scowled.
"This is a private meeting."
Radish took to his hind legs. He imitated Discord's tone and speaking mannerisms as best he could remember from his messages.
"Come now! You didn't think you could keep anything private from little ol' me, did you?" he asked with exaggerated gestures. "After all, I'm a major investor in this endeavor. The only investor."
A few of the ponies' eyes went wide. Fetching Steps raised an eyebrow.
"Discord?" a pony asked uneasily. "Is that you?"
"In the flesh! Well, in this pony's flesh. Kind of a tight fit around the crotch, though."
"Why are you, uh, in, a royal guard?"
"Well, why shouldn't I make use of one of Celestia's grunts? It's not like they get a whole lot else to do!"
"If you're really Discord, prove it," said a pegasus stallion.
"Oh, a skeptic? I'm wounded! But perhaps this might allay your apprehensions. Peep the makeover I gave this guy's tushie."
Radish peeled back his armor and showed off his cutie mark. There were several gasps from the group. The older pegasus mare nearly fainted. Fetching Steps looked surprised.
"You turned his cutie mark into... porn? Of him and Celestia?" a unicorn stallion asked, eyes fixed on it.
"Don't worry, all characters depicted are over eighteen," Radish said, shrugging.
"How did you do that?" asked an earth stallion. "Cutie marks are supposed to be impossible to change, even by magic!"
"With pony magic, maybe," Radish scoffed. "I'm a whole 'nother level, baby."
Does Discord say 'baby'? Oh well, I'm committed to it now.
"Come in! Come in! We were just about to discuss your imminent reign!" said the unicorn. He ushered the group into the room, locked the door, pulled a shade over the porthole, and cast a soundproofing spell over the room. He walked up to Radish excitedly and bowed his head.
"Mighty and Chaotic Discord, we have been anticipating your return since we learned the Elements of Harmony were used by new wielders. We are looking forward to the new era you are about to usher in."
"Ooh! A fan club? What fun! But why? What's in it for you?"
"It's the laws, Discord. We're sick of them."
"What laws would those be? Is this about taxes? Tariffs? Loitering?"
"All of them! This modern world buries ponies in rules, regulations, ordinances, and statutes! And there are more each year!"
"And not just legislation, but all of society's unwritten rules, too!" said an earth mare. "Codes of conduct, social mores, protocol and etiquette! They're a million invisible chains!"
"And then there's the laws of reality," said the older pegasus mare. "Physical laws, like gravity and entropy. Even magic has laws you have to follow. It's inescapable!"
"We've come together because we all agree that we've lived under the oppression of order for far too long," said the unicorn. "Nopony can reach their full potential in this world so long as a single law exists. But you, Discord, you break all the laws, as easily as you breathe! In your world of chaos, there will be no can't , no don't , and no no !"
"Well!" said Radish. "I can see you've all thought his through. But why should I care about any of you? Why shouldn't I just turn half of you into hamsters, turn half of you into snakes, and lock the door on my way out?"
The gathered ponies shifted uncomfortably, not anticipating this question. Fetching Steps frowned. The unicorn stallion smiled.
"Because we're your insurance! We've been studying chaos theory, petrification magic, and social disunity. If Celestia's girls re-petrify you, we alone will have the knowhow to free you! You'll never need to fear defeat with us around!"
Radish got in his face. "And what makes you think I fear defeat?"
The unicorn leaned closer and smiled. "Well, you've already been defeated once, haven't you? A thousand years in the statue garden." he said, smugly.
This guy is snarking Discord. I should pretend to be impressed. That's what a movie villain would do.
Radish pressed his forehead to the unicorn's. "Ooh, I like your spunk. What's your name?"
"Front Burner, Great Discord."
Never heard of him.
"Never heard of you."
Front Burner frowned. An earth mare stepped forward.
"Lord Discord, we are bringing gifts- tribute- to honor you. And we will continue to honor you under your rule for as long as you, uh, let us live."
Radish whipped around. "Oh, presents? Well, why didn't you say so! What'ja get me?"
She held up a film reel in her hooves. "Supreme Discord, I commissioned the world's most chaotic film. The plot makes no sense, the dialogue is confusing, and none of the actors' sight lines match up. Watching it is a dizzying, disturbing experience."
I think I saw that last summer , thought Radish.
"Sounds like a four-quadrant hit! Let's get working on the sequel immediately!"
"Yes, sir!"
A pegasus stallion held up a small book. "You'll love this. Ever since Celestia began her rule, my family has been keeping a log of every single mistake she's ever made. I've had it edited into a concise, humorous booklet that you can use to taunt her as you take over her kingdom."
Radish strained to conceal his fury. He used it to fuel his overacting. "That's hilarious! What's your name, sport?"
Does Discord call people 'sport'? Fuck it.
"High Marks, O Great Discord."
"Of the Manehattan Marks?"
"Uh, of the Cartolina Marks..."
Radish turned his expression foul. "Are you saying I'm wrong about something?" he growled.
"What? Oh, no, Great Discord. Never."
"Oh, don't worry," Radish said, squishing the pegasus's cheeks, "I'll just smoosh the two places together, so we can both be right!"
"But... uh... okay."
"But Mighty Discord! I own the train line between them! I'll be ruined!" said a pegasus stallion.
"Oh, just overcharge for soda. You'll be fine," Radish said dismissively. The stallion looked down, as if considering this business plan.
Front Burner held up a thick document. "Lord Discord, I had my lawyers draft this- a formal declaration of unconditional surrender, to be signed by Celestia. It's watertight. Once she signs this, Equestria will be irrefutably, irrevocably, yours, in perpetuity throughout the universe. Your takeover will be nice and legal- which means the Elements of Harmony will be criminals if they make a move against you!"
Radish had to restrain himself from cramming it down his throat.
"And you're sure you got all the fine print right? I wouldn't want that Twilight Sparkle finding a loophole."
"But of course. And don't worry about Twilight Sparkle- I've had her investigated, analyzed, and evaluated. She's hardly the genius she's reputed to be."
"Oh? Is that so?"
"Quite so. She's a neurotic, naïve nerd who relies on her friends' help for everything. Her spellcasting is blundering at best. Did you know she once botched a spell and caused bugs to eat her town?" Front Burner chortled. "That girl couldn't find a hole in her ass, much less in my treaty."
Radish narrowed his eyes. "Better go sit down and read over it again, just to be sure."
Front Burner narrowed his. "If that's your wish, Great Discord."
"Twice. "
Radish turned to Fetching Steps. "And you, dear! What do you have in store for me?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but the earth stallion stepped in front of her. "Mighty Discord, she's just my assistant. I, however, have brought you this."
He held up a wooden stamp. It had a flat rectangular base and a round handle. Radish narrowed his eyes at it.
"What do you expect me to do with that, check out a library book?"
"This is the Ordinance of Old Bastion, Mighty Discord! Old Bastion was the original earth pony king. He grew the world's first tree, raising it up from the primordial chaos. He carved this from its wood. That gives it a special power- any creature stamped with it becomes completely orderly- incapable of violence, mischief, or even raising their voice."
Radish looked closer at it. "That's... interesting."
"Indeed. I believe this is the one of the few artifacts in the world that can control you, my great lord Discord. That is why I am bringing it to you. You may dispose of it personally."
"Well, isn't that special. But how do you know it even works?"
"I've tested it on my assistant here," he said, pointing at Fetching Steps.
Radish met her eyes. They were trying to convey something to Radish, but he wasn't sure what.
"Oh, your own employee doesn't raise her voice at you? Gee, that must be magic."
"No, it really works! You'll see! Use it on Celestia! Or on Twilight Sparkle!"
"What's your name?" demanded Radish, struggling to keep cool.
"Vested Interest, your mightyness."
Radish reached for the stamp. "Well, Vested Interest. Your tribute is accepted. I'll just hold onto that..."
Vested Interest pulled it away. "Oh, but I wished to deliver it to you- the real you- in person."
"Now, now. It's all the same. No need to stand on ceremony."
"In that case, Discord, would you like to hear some of Celestia's mistakes right now?" asked High Marks, leafing through his booklet.
"Not now, vassal."
"Look," he said, reading from its pages, "sixty years ago, she expanded the approved list of Canterlot park gazebo paints. Since then, gazebos have been painted all kinds of hideous colors. Our parks are an embarrassment."
"I said, not now," said Radish, annoyed. He turned to Vested Interest. "And I told you to give me the stamp."
"And look, here's a recent one," said High Marks. "She hired Radish Root to her Royal Guard, a boy whose cutie marks actually show him... having... sex with her..."
The gathered ponies looked angrily at Radish. Fetching Steps took a few worried steps back.
"I should have known," said Front Burner. "Discord would never call someone 'sport'."
Radish was seized from behind by several of the ponies. They shoved him to the carpet.
"You wanted to know if this works?" sneered Vested Interest, looking at the stamp. "Let's see what it does to you ."
Radish struggled. Vested Interest moved in and raised the stamp above his head.
The room went pitch-black.
Radish heard shouts, struggling, and blows landing all around him, then felt the ponies holding him down get knocked away. The door opened, and a single figure galloped into the slice of light from the hall. Radish found the light switch and flicked it. All the other ponies lay sprawled out on the floor, groaning. He rushed to check over Vested Interest. The Ordinance of Old Bastion was gone. Radish took account of the ponies on the floor. Fetching Steps was the only one missing.
Radish gave chase.
"Guys! If you can hear me, get to my position!" he hollered while galloping down the hall. He rounded the corner, and saw Fetching Steps running and weaving through ponies walking the hall. She leapt over a room service cart and kicked it back, sending a hail of dirty dishes in her wake. Radish ran through them. She swung through a luggage trolley, toppling it over in Radish's path. Radish leapt onto a suitcase, which sprung open and flung him toward her.
Echo came staggering out of a side door, looking sick. Fetching Steps dodged him, and Radish collided with him, sending both stallions tumbling to the floor. Fetching Steps ran into an open elevator and pulled its lever. She blew a kiss to Radish as the doors slid shut.
Radish helped Echo to his feet. "Where've you been?"
He pointed to the door he came from, a bathroom. "Airsick."
"Brothers? What is happening?" called Vesper. She, Murk, and Nocturn ran up to them.
Radish looked at the elevator's floor indicator. It was heading down.
"The girl in that elevator has an artifact that can control Discord. We need to find her and get it."
"She did not ride it down," said Echo, groggily. "I heard her open a hatch in the roof of the car, then climb up to the main deck."
"Damn, she's squirrely."
"Who is she?" asked Murk.
"A red earth mare with a yellow rose cutie mark. I think she's on Discord's side."
"I told you to be wary," said Nocturn, giving Radish back the spear.
They rushed up a stairwell to the main deck, then fanned out to search. The deck was even more crowded now. Radish saw the steward from before, standing along a wall, still grinning.
"Hello, sir!" the steward said. "How are you enjoying the cruise?"
"Did you see a red earth mare come by here?" asked Radish.
"Did she have a knockout smile and a set of hips that could stop a clock?"
"Yes."
"Sorry, haven't seen her."
Radish grunted in frustration and moved on.
He scanned the crowds around him, then looked up at the higher decks. Some movement on the ship's rigging caught his eye. Fetching Steps was climbing the ropes securing the ship's main section to its gas envelope. She looked down, waved cheerfully at Radish, then continued up.
"Guys! If you can hear me, she's on the rigging!" called Radish.
No good. These crowds are so loud, I can't even hear myself.
Radish pushed through the crowds to the side of the ship. He found an attachment point for more rigging.
She's not climbing up there to get away from me. She's up to something, and the only reason a pony would only go up there would be to do maintenance... or sabotage. I doubt she's doing maintenance.
Radish put his hooves on the ropes, grit his teeth, and started to climb. The wind whipped at him and made a loud whistle through his armor.
Okay, you've done this a hundred times in training. Just focus on the rope. Don't look down. Don't get distracted by... oh no.
Radish looked out across the landscape. Canterlot was quickly approaching. Its mountain was twisted into a curlicue, the waterfalls were pink and flowing backwards, and the palace was mirrored above itself. Radish took a breath, closed his eyes, and climbed on.
He bumped his head on something hard. He had reached the ship's envelope, a series of massive gasbags covered with scalloped aluminum plates. He looked up to see Fetching Steps standing on the catwalk encircling it, smiling down at him.
"Hey, soldier," she said, "let me give you some help with that."
She spun around and whipped her tail at Radish. He ducked, and her tail wrapped around the spear and yanked it off Radish's back.
She held it and smiled. "Thanks. Try to land in the pool."
"What?"
She swung the spear at the ropes holding Radish. Radish blocked it with his left boot.
There was a clang louder than the wind and a blinding flash where the spearhead hit his boot's armor plates. Radish cried out in pain. His boot turned brown and cracked, then broke into flakes which scattered into the wind. Fetching Steps looked at the spear with surprise. She held it close, closed her eyes, and gasped. She ran off, climbing away out of sight.
Radish pulled himself onto the catwalk and looked at his hoof. The power of the spear had disintegrated his boot, sheared off the fur underneath it, and bruised the skin underneath the fur. He shook it, wincing.
He pressed on, finding a ladder to the top of the envelope. He climbed it. He found Fetching Steps standing with her back to him, holding the spear and gazing out at the horizon. He cautiously approached her.
"Give me the spear, and give me the stamp," Radish called over the wind.
She turned. "What for? To stop Discord? We both know that Twilight Sparkle and her friends are going to stop Discord. They're the chosen ones. It's what they do. And that's the problem."
She tapped the aluminum plating she was standing on with the butt of the spear.
"This whole ship was created by Discord. That means once he's defeated, it'll vanish. Everyone on it who can't fly will fall to their deaths."
Radish stopped his approach. He looked down. He shook his head and continued walking.
"The Element of Harmony jewels are magic," he said. "They're powered by things like laughter, generosity, and kindness. They're not going to make ponies plunge to their deaths. They'll probably put everyone safely on the ground."
"What if they don't? Can you take that risk? Would Twilight? What if she refuses to fight Discord because of that risk? This isn't a pleasure cruise, it's a ship of hostages."
"What are you doing up here?"
"I tried to land the ship from the helm. But there isn't one. No one's in control of this thing. So I'm landing it the hard way."
She hefted the spear in her hooves. "I knew this had to be magic when I saw you guarding it. But an entire growing season's worth of power? That's really something. I don't know if it can hurt Discord, but it can pierce this gasbag just fine. Once we're in position, I'm going to scuttle this ship into Ponyville Lake. An emergency water landing."
Radish walked closer. "Ponies could still get hurt, or killed, in an emergency water landing."
"But a lot more will survive than if the ship just disappears under their feet."
"Twilight Sparkle is going to save everyone- on the land, in the air, everywhere."
"If you really believe that, why do you want the spear at all?"
"I'm doing my duty."
"And I'm doing mine."
She looked out across the landscape. Ponyville Lake was just ahead. She raised the spear, aiming it straight down. Radish tackled her.
The two went tumbling across the metal plating. They fought to wrest the spear from one another. Fetching Steps socked Radish in the gut where he was unarmored. Radish headbutted her with his helmet. She bit his ear.
He gripped her head with his forehooves, grabbed the spear with his tail, and flipped her down on her back in front of him. He saw something round tucked inside her mane. He pulled it out and stamped it into her forehead.
She looked at him, confused. He looked at what he was holding. It wasn't the Ordinance of Old Bastion, it was the chaos flower bulb.
"You looted this from me!?" he growled.
She smiled. "You're just now realizing that?"
"Where's the stamp?"
"I thought you took that."
"Why did you take this?"
"Why did you have it?"
"I'm not telling y-"
She punched his neck. Radish gagged and dropped the bulb. She caught it with her teeth. Radish clamped down on the other side of it with his own teeth. The two fought over it like dogs, each trying to pull it from the other's mouth without damaging it.
Fetching Steps looked into Radish's eyes and grinned. She curled her lips around the bulb and kissed his. The shock made him lose a few millimeters worth of purchase on the bulb, and he could feel it slipping out of his teeth. His only options now were to let it go, or risk biting into it.
He chose to bite right through it.
Fetching Steps went flying back with three-fourths of the chaos bulb in her teeth. She landed on her rump, and her piece of the bulb bounced out of her mouth and landed behind her. It rolled away and slid off the envelope, falling out of sight. Radish spit his own fourth into his hoof, then secured it in his armor's pocket.
He took the spear from his tail and pointed it at her. "Now, we're going back down to the ship, and you're going to tell me who you are and who you're working for."
Fetching Steps looked out at the lands around them. Ponyville was now in sight. She frowned.
"You made me miss our window. There's no way to safely land this ship now." She looked at him with cold fury in her eyes. "You've killed us. Or worse, you've made us Discord's bargaining chip!"
Radish gazed at Ponyville. It had gotten worse since he last saw it. The ground was mostly tall checkered lumps, most of the homes were airborne, and the local weather was all desserts.
"No one's dead yet. But if you wanted to bring the ship down safely, you could have just asked for my help."
"Why? How would you do it?"
"I'd get my best ponies working on it," Radish, said, pointing above her.
The four bat ponies dropped out of the sky, surrounding Radish and Fetching Steps.
"And here they are," said Radish.
Echo held up three-fourths of the chaos bulb. "We saw this fall from above."
"Thanks," said Radish, putting it in his bag.
"This is the one you were chasing?" asked Murk. She flashed a smile at him. His eyes went wide.
"Guys, we need to land this ship before it reaches Ponyville," said Radish. "Any ideas?"
"There are emergency vents on the side of this envelope," said Nocturn. "We can open them from a control station in its stern. The ship can be brought down quickly, but safely."
Radish looked at Fetching Steps. "See what asking gets you?"
She rolled her eyes. "Gee, I've sure learned my lesson. I'll put it in a letter to Celestia."
Radish, the bat ponies, and Fetching Steps found a hatch at the stern of the envelope and slid it open. It led to a long service corridor, lit dimly by red lights. They moved inside and started down its length.
"You sure you know how to do this?" Radish asked Nocturn.
"Yes. This system is standard across many ship classes. All we have to do is turn some valves."
"Why would Discord put emergency safety equipment on a ship of his own making?" asked Fetching Steps.
"I believe he was lazy. He cobbled this ship together from multiple designs. All their components ended up in the final mix."
"A bridge didn't get cobbled in," said Fetching Steps. "I went to a room labeled 'Bridge', but there was nothing inside but four elderly ponies playing bridge ."
"Discord likely couldn't pass up the pun," said Nocturn. "But there is nothing comedic about a gas venting system."
"Well, not twice in one day," said Radish.
"What if Discord is watching us now?" asked Fetching Steps. "He could just pop in and stop us."
"Nightmare Moon said he was a being of limited attention," said Vesper. "The Element-bearers are probably providing ample distraction."
"Yeah, if there's one thing those girls can do, it's draw attention to themselves," said Fetching Steps, dryly.
"Know a lot about them, huh?" asked Radish. "Why is that?"
"Equestria's favorite daughters? Who doesn't?"
"Stop. We are not alone," said Echo, pointing ahead.
Standing further down the duct was the steward. He was grinning.
"Hey there, folks! This is a restricted area. But the water slide's open, if you're looking for something to do."
"Get out of our way," Radish said plainly.
"Can't do it. Could I offer you a complimentary drink ticket instead?"
Radish stepped forward. "Look pal, it's been a long couple of days. And you're-"
The steward swooped forward and punched Radish in the face, sending him flying backwards into his brethren.
The steward grinned. "How about a show? There's a magic act starting soon. Big hit with the kiddies."
Fetching Steps leapt to kick him, and he seized her legs and hurled her into the wall.
"Or, just soak up some rays in our meditation solarium," he said, looming over her with his hoof raised.
Murk charged. The steward ducked his punch, then bucked him. He hit the ceiling and then the floor.
"Brother Radish," said Echo, "I believe he is a construct of Discord's making."
"So he's not real real?"
"No. He is not."
"Now, now. I've worked hard to make this cruise fun for everyone. Just because I'm not real, doesn't mean you can't enjoy the vacation of a lifetime. Why not visit Shoals, our hybrid restaurant/aquarium? Enjoy world-class dining while watching the jellyfish."
Radish unsheathed the spear and assumed the royal two-legged fighting stance. "I've got your dinner right here, buddy."
Fetching Steps snorted. "Work on the banter, lieutenant."
The steward rushed at Radish. Radish thrust the spear. The steward dodged it. Radish anticipated this and swung it sideways, then pinned the steward to the wall.
"Go! Land the ship!" he yelled. The other five ran past him.
The steward headbutted Radish and rammed him into the opposite wall. He grinned. He pushed the spear's haft into Radish's neck, lifting him into the air and crushing his windpipe. As Radish struggled for air, the steward grinned.
"We'll soon be arriving at our destination. And I can't have some steerage-class party-pooper scuttling the mighty Discord's big day."
"So this was about hostages?" Radish asked, gritting his teeth and gasping for air.
"No, not all of it. The big crowd down below gets to be the audience for his grand victory. Some of the more savvy passengers have chosen to be his allies. But there's a select few ponies onboard who will make five-star hostages." The steward leaned into Radish's face. "Like you, Radish Root."
Radish's heart lurched. "What?"
"He's going to love you, lieutenant. Twilight's pen pal. Luna's champion. Celestia's soulmate, perhaps? The kingdom's finest bargaining chip, and he strolled right onto my ship."
Radish shoved off the wall and pinned him down. "I'll die before I let myself be used against any of them."
"You'll die when Discord wills it. Same goes for the cherry tart and the himbo."
"Who's the- gaaack!"
The steward wrapped his legs around Radish's ribs and squeezed. His grip was like a vise. Radish kicked his legs in desperation.
"Excuse me, steward? I have a complaint about how things are run around here," said a snooty voice off to the side. Radish and the steward turned to seen Princely Sum approaching.
The steward threw Radish off and approached Princely Sum. "Sorry, sir. This is a restricted area. But the water slide's open, if you're looking for something to do."
Radish shakingly climbed to his feet. "Run... get out of here..."
"Oh, it's you," said Princely Sum. "My, you're a mess."
The steward threw a hoof at Princely Sum. Princely Sum caught it in his aura. The steward pressed through the aura, seized Princely Sum by the throat, and throttled him to the floor.
"This is... no way... to treat a VIP," gasped Princely Sum. "Whenever... you're... ready... lieutenant..."
Radish planted his hooves and thrust the spear at the steward. The steward let go of Princely to grab the spear, stopping it inches from his chest. Radish pushed with all his might. Princely Sum shoved the steward from behind. Working together, the two stallions pressed the steward into the spear's point.
He popped like a balloon, sending a burst of confetti in all directions. Radish coughed some out.
Princely Sum looked at the confetti at his feet. "Well, I think he-"
"Don't."
"-got the point."
"Ugh."
"Exquisite wordplay, Princely," said Vesper. She and the bat ponies returned from further down the corridor.
"Guys, are we all set?" asked Radish.
"The valves are released," said Nocturn. "We should begin our descent..."
The ship lurched. Radish felt it descending.
"...right now."
"Where's Fetching Steps?"
The bat ponies looked around.
"Uh... we though she was here with you," said Vesper.
Radish checked his bag. The bigger piece of the chaos bulb was gone. "Damn that cherry tart. How does she do that?"
"She is squirrely indeed," said Murk.
"Okay, buddy," said Radish, turning to face Princely Sum. "You're going to tell me... what the?"
Princely Sum was gone.
"He is squirrely too, it seems," said Vesper.
Radish and the bat ponies emerged from the maintenance tube. The zeppelin had landed on the fields outside Ponyville, and the ship's gas envelope had set down in front of it. Evacuation sirens were blaring from the ship, and ponies were disembarking on emergency slides which had deployed down to the grass.
Radish and company climbed down onto the ground.
"Okay. Everyone's getting off the ship. Only one thing left to do." He turned towards Ponyville. "I know we're all exhausted. But we've never been closer to our goal."
"Are we going into Ponyville to slay Discord?" asked Vesper.
"Luna wanted us to bring her the spear, and that's what I'm going to do. But Ponyville is on the way, so we can at least assess the situation there. And if the opportunity presents itself to end all this... well, we'll see."
They crested a ridge overlooking Ponyville.
"Brother, look!" said Echo, pointing toward the center of town.
On the top of a purple checkerboard hill stood a tall horned throne. On the throne, a twisted medley of a monster lounged languidly. Radish had gotten his eyes on Discord at last.
"Sonofabitch is even uglier in person."
In front of the throne was a group of six figures.
"It is them," said Vesper. "The girls are confronting Discord. They have their Elements."
"What should we do?" asked Murk.
Radish squinted at Twilight and her friends. He couldn't make out their faces, but their posture and formation told Radish all he needed to know.
"Hold tight, guys. Discord wanted an audience, so let's give him one. We're going to watch him lose."
"How can you be so sure the girls will win?" asked Nocturn.
Radish sat down. He smiled.
"Hey, they're the chosen ones, after all."
Colorful glows emanated from the girls. They floated into the air, and a prismatic shockwave burst from them across the land. A massive rainbow erupted from the girls, arced through the sky, and slammed into Discord. His howl of terror echoed over the plains.
The world filled with white light. Radish shut his eyes as the light and a blast of wind whooshed through him.
He opened his eyes. The landscape was back to normal. The skies were back to normal. Reality was real again.
Radish looked back. The zeppelin was gone. Every passenger was standing safely on the ground, looking around in confusion.
Radish looked ahead. Discord was a stone statue, gnarled into a painful-looking pose.
Radish breathed a sigh of relief. "Thanks, Twi. Thanks, girls," he said softly.
The cruise passengers gathered behind them, chattering about what they were seeing. Front Burner stood up on a boulder and addressed the crowd. "Listen, everyone! The party doesn't have to end! There's still time to save Discord!"
"Save Discord? What are you talking about?" asked a passenger.
"We can still reverse his petrification before it sets in! Everyone, go down into Ponyville and cause as much chaos as you can! Overturn carts! Smash windows! Set fires! Attack ponies! I can channel the disorder and confusion into a beam of pure chaos, and free him all over again!"
Most of the group looked skeptical. Some were turning to look at Ponyville, thinking on his words. Some were discussing the idea amongst themselves.
Radish clambered to his feet and stalked through the crowd toward Front Burner.
"Imagine it!" called Front Burner. "A world without rules! Without responsibilities! Eternal freedom from logic, order, and consequences! It's within our grasp, but I need your chaos to make it happen!"
The ponies in the crowd muttered more positively about the proposition. More and more seemed to be considering it. Radish's vision narrowed as he approached Front Burner. The spear was feeling much heavier in his hooves now.
Then, everyone became aware of a high-pitched whistle in the air. It was getting louder. It was getting closer. A tiny spot of a shadow swooped across the ground, growing wider.
Twilight and her friends gathered around the statue of Discord.
"So, uh, what do we do with this thing?" asked Rainbow Dash.
"Coat rack?" suggested Pinkie Pie.
"Now, Pinkie Pie, that's mean," said Fluttershy.
"You're right. Hat rack?"
"I say, does anypony else hear that?" asked Rarity, putting a hoof to her ear.
She and the other five squinted into the sky. They gasped.
"Incoming!" bellowed Rainbow Dash. The girls scattered.
A banana cream pie two meters in diameter came hurtling out of the sky. It smacked into the statue, knocking it flat on its back in an explosion of whipped cream.
Twilight and her friends gasped.
The crowd on the hill gasped.
"That's who you want to free? That's the one you want us all to throw in with?" Princely Sum scoffed, loudly enough for everyone to hear. "What kind of world conqueror gets pied in the face? It's an embarrassment, is what it is."
He turned and walked away, chortling. Others in the crowd grumbled in agreement, and followed him. More followed them. Front Burner watched them go. He turned to give another look at Discord, then sighed, shook his head, and followed them off.
"Lands sakes, where did that come from?" asked Applejack, looking into the sky.
Fluttershy approached the statue. "Pinkie Pie... did you do that? Somehow?"
Pinkie Pie scooped a bit of pie goo into her mouth. She gasped with excitement, and swallowed it down.
"I wish I could take credit for this! This is a banana cream pie! Their heterogenous filling makes them impossible to throw with any accuracy, and believe me, I've tried! Whoever did this must have access to space-age pie-targeting technology!" She wiped a tear from her eye. "A true pie-throwing mad genius. I only hope I can meet them someday."
Twilight looked across the horizon. She thought she caught a fleeting glimpse of a figure on a distant hill, ducking out of sight.
Radish knelt before Princess Luna with the spear and one-fourth of the chaos bulb laid out on the floor in front of him.
"...then we took the train back here. Twilight and her friends never knew we were in town."
"Excellent work, my Champion," said Luna. "Congratulations on a successful mission."
"But the spear... it doesn't have the power we hoped it would."
"Thy mission was to retrieve it. And so thou has. We did not make demands on what condition thou must find it in." She lifted the spear in her aura and turned it over. "It is such a beautiful piece. We will present it to Celestia for Hearth's Warming, thus undoing another of Nightmare Moon's misdeeds. And this..."
She lifted the piece of chaos bulb. "...this is most intriguing, indeed. We will have the Mage Council study it. 'Twas clever thinking, retrieving it."
"Thank you, princess. But what about the ponies who were siding with Discord?"
"We believe they were simply desperate, acting out of fear. Now that things have returned to normal, they will see the folly of their ways."
"But ma'am, their plans all seemed really premeditated."
"Radish Root, art thou accusing some of Equestria's most prominent citizens of conspiracy against the crowns?"
"Yes."
"'Tis hard to believe. We can see that thou are tired, and-"
"It happened before, didn't it?"
Luna narrowed her eyes at Radish. They stared at each other. After a moment, she frowned and looked off to the side. "...it did indeed. Very well. We will have the matter looked into."
"Thank you, Princess Luna. I... ah-"
Radish felt his nostrils get stuffy. He sneezed, and a large splat of glowing green goop hit the floor.
"Radish Root, art thou ill?"
"Sorry, ma'am," said Radish, rubbing his nose. "That twenty-four antihistamine must have just worn off. I think I just, uh, expelled everything it was blocking me from breathing on the island."
"But thy discharge is glowing."
"There were these glowing mushrooms in the tree. I guess I breathed in some of their spores."
Luna picked up the goop in her aura.
"Ma'am! You don't have to touch it. I'll clean that up. "
"Be at peace, Radish Root. There is something unusual about these spores."
She cast a spell, making a circle of runes appear around the substance. She gasped.
"Radish Root, the Volcanic Ash has gifted us with a weapon!"
"What do you mean?"
"When Discord trespassed inside the tree and vandalized it a thousand years ago, the tree scanned him. It has spent the last thousand years analyzing his nature and calculating his weaknesses. It produced spores capable of poisoning even him!"
"Incredible. So what do we do with them?"
"Nothing. Discord is defeated."
"But he could get free again. We should at least get the poison ready. And sow some of the spores, so we have a perpetual supply."
"Nay. Celestia's way was the correct course of action, after all. We must accept this with humility. We should rely not on weapons or toxins, but on the 'Magic of Friendship' between those six girls. That is our best defense."
She put the spores in a vial, and locked it in her cupboard.
"Now, let us speak of thy reward. We have recently commissioned a new honor for ponies in our service. Thou art its first recipient. Behold."
She floated a small box in front of Radish, and opened its lid. Inside was a blue ribbon with white frills.
"The Lunar Defender Ribbon, for excellence in service to the Princess of the Moon."
"Whoa."
“Unfortunately, thou cannot tell anyone how you earned it. The island must remain secret. Thou must swear on thy honor as our Champion to never reveal it."
“I swear. On my honor as your Champion.”
“Even under pain of torture and death.”
“I will.”
“Even if Celestia orders thee to tell her the truth.”
“Oh… okay.”
“Even if she attempts to seduce the truth out of thee with sweet nothings and sensuous caresses.”
“What?”
“Do you swear, Radish Root?”
“I swear.”
“Good.”
There was a knock on the door. Barrel Roller entered. "Ma'am, it's almost time for- Root! What did you do to your armor? And where is your weapon?"
"Ma'am, I..."
"Discord took control of the bat ponies, commander," said Luna. "They attacked without mercy. The lieutenant valiantly kept them at bay, thus earning this ribbon."
"Oh, is that so?" Barrel Roller asked, raising an eyebrow. "Root held off all four bat ponies?"
"Why is that surprising? We do not choose our Champion lightly."
"I see. Good work, Root."
"Thank you, ma'am."
"We expect his armor and weaponry to be replaced, posthaste," Luna said.
"I'll get Chuck on it, ma'am."
"And the lieutenant has earned tomorrow off, as well."
"But... aye, ma'am."
Barrel Roller left. Radish turned to Luna.
"Princess, thank you for covering for me."
"I spoke only the truth."
The girls' award ceremony finished with fanfare. Radish watched the crowds leave the hall. Satisfied that none of the conspirators from the ship were among them, he turned to head for the back halls of the palace.
"Radish! There you are!"
Twilight Sparkle ran up to him. She threw her hooves around him and hugged him tightly. Radish hugged back tighter.
"Hi, Twilight. I'm glad you're okay. Thanks for saving the world again."
"Oh, you!" she said nudging his shoulder. "I couldn't have done it without my friends. And that includes you."
"I didn't do anything."
"Yes, you did. When I was at my lowest, Princess Celestia sent me back all the letters I'd sent her since I moved to Ponyville. Reading all the lessons I learned reminded me that friendship isn't always easy, but it's worth fighting for."
"What does that have to do with me?"
She held up a scroll in her aura. She cleared her throat and read it.
"Dear Princess Celestia, Today I received a letter from my pen pal and your lieutenant, Radish Root. He was excited to share with me the results of a spear training session. He says he's improved a great deal since he started out in your service. It reminded me of how much I've improved at friendship since I began my studies in Ponyville. Today, I made friends with a trio of florists at the market, whereas the old me would have just made my purchase and left. While spear training and friend-making may seem like the most different things in the world, they're both pursuits that you, in your wisdom, have charged us with perfecting. Growing in my studies makes me feel connected to you, and to him. I wonder if he feels the same way. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle "
"You write her about me?"
"Of course! I write about all my friends."
"That's... that's really nice, Twilight. You know, I've only gotten better with my spear, but I've never made friends at the market."
She laughed. "And I'd just trip over a spear. It's like our destinies complement each other, don't they?"
"Yeah, I guess they do."
Every earth pony who worked in the palace was granted a small garden plot for indulging their ability to cultivate flora. Radish had never used his, until now. He stood in front of his freshly hoed plot, holding his boot. He dug into the plates of the boot's sole with a stick, and scraped out green goo from the mushrooms he had punched in anger. He peered at it.
There should be a good number of spores in this.
He carefully applied them to the soil and woody debris on his plot. He bent down at them.
"Okay, little guys," he whispered. "I need you to grow big and strong, so you can help me deal with Discord if he ever gets loose again. The girls might be the chosen ones, but I've chosen to be a guard. That means Equestria gets every ounce of protection I can provide, and that includes you. Welcome to the team."
"Howdy, Root. Never seen you in this neck of the grounds, before," said Saguaro Shade, walking up to him in gardening apparel.
"Hello, sir. All this business today inspired me to take up a relaxing hobby. I haven't touched a hoe since I left my parents' farm."
"How was the book club?"
"Oh, Daddy-Long-Shanks ? The main character is a bit too much of a starry-eyed optimist for my tastes."
"Yeah, mine too. But on a day when when all-powerful monsters get can get beaten by friendship, starry-eyed optimism starts to look like a tactical advantage."
"Think this is last time we'll need them for that, sir?"
"Hopefully we can at least make it through the holiday season before the next existential threat."
"Yeah."
"So, what are you growing here?"
"Mushrooms, sir."
"Oh? For any specific recipe?"
"I heard they'd be good fried in butter."
"Well, that's true of everything, isn't it?" said Princess Celestia, walking up them. They saluted her.
"Corporal, may I speak with Lieutenant Root?"
"Aye. Good day, ma'am."
"Yes, it was."
Saguaro Shade walked away. Radish looked up at Celestia. "Ma'am. How are you?"
"Fine, thank you. Discord shrunk me into one of the terrariums at my school. The one with a tarantula."
"Ma'am! I'm sorry."
"It's okay." She held out her wing, showing a brown tarantula sitting on the feathers. "Sheila's always been a sweetheart."
Shelia hopped onto Radish's head and got comfortable in his mane. Celestia grinned.
"I think she likes you."
"I've always gotten along with critters that other ponies find off-putting."
"So have I." She took a step closer. "Listen, Radish, I know you were disappointed about me cutting you out of the loop regarding Discord..."
"Ma'am, it's my duty to obey. You don't owe me an explanation."
"Luna had this cockamamie plan to send you after Discord with a magic spear. It was a rather... flawed idea, to say the least. But she can be such a child when she doesn't get what she wants."
Radish took a cautious step back. "What... what did you say?"
"That she can be such a child when she doesn't get what she wants. I'm sorry, but it's true. She wasn't considering all the consequences. You see, Radish, the first time Discord appeared, Luna was off doing... Nightmare Moon things. She didn't witness the horrors I did.
"In those days, Equestria had a standing army- the EUP Protective Pony Platoon. The Captain of the EUP- a pegasus named Level Best- decided on a swift, all-out attack on Discord. Her plan was to use the pegasus soldiers to pelt him with lightning to put him off-balance, send the earth soldiers in with enchanted weapons to soften him up, and then have the unicorn soldiers combine all their destructive power into a single shot to destroy him. I agreed to this plan, because she was confident in it and we knew so little about Discord that it seemed reasonable.
"However, with but one wave of his arm, Discord turned all the soldiers into gingerbread cookies. Then he just strolled away, laughing. I was devastated.
"I gathered them, kept them safe, and dedicated most of my time trying to restore them. I knew Discord intended it as a distraction, but the guilt over sending them to that fate was overwhelming. They were eventually restored safe and sound after Discord's defeat, but I still had nightmares about it. And since Luna was banished soon after, I had no one to help me through them."
"I'm sorry, ma'am."
"I vowed to use the ponies under my command differently from then on. Soldiers became guards. I sought alternative means of keeping the kingdom safe- spells, artifacts, technologies, creatures, and so forth. Most ideas didn't pan out, but at least ponies I cared about weren't being put in harms way.
"I hated sending Twilight and her friends to confront Discord, but I had no choice. However, he treated that like a game. But if a royal guard faced Discord, with intent and capability to kill him, he might have taken the kid gloves off. Lieutenant... I was terrified by the thought of what he might do to you."
"I appreciate that, ma'am. But guards are supposed to risk everything for their princesses. And for civilians, like Twilight and her friends. The next villain might not bring kid gloves at all. I've got to know, can't the Elements of Harmony be passed to other wielders?"
"Like you?"
"If I had to."
"I think the bonds between the girls and their Elements are more powerful than ever now. I don't know if there's a power in the world that could break them."
"I see."
"And don't forget, the passing of the Elements to new ponies is what broke the spell on Discord in the first place."
"Oh, right. But they'll have to pass them on eventually, won't they? Will every generation have to go through this?"
"Actually, I'm working on a permanent solution to the Discord problem."
"Like, grinding up the statue?"
She chortled. "No, something more radical than that. I'll make my plan known when I'm ready. But for now, we can take a breather, rest assured that the Elements are in the right hooves."
"Yeah, they are."
"And besides," she said softly, with a grin, "you do realize what would happen if you wielded an Element of Harmony, don't you?"
Radish furrowed his brows. Then, they went wide in surprise.
"I'd be fighting villains with a magic necklace... that looks like my cutie mark!"
"It would be quite a spectacle."
"I guess it's for the best that it never comes to that."
She smirked. "Oh, I don't know. I'd love to see the look on Discord's face as he got blasted by that. "
"You know what? So would I."
Radish saw a large shadow on the ground, and looked up to see a pegasus chariot carrying the statue of Discord across the palace's airspace.
"Where are they going with him?" asked Radish.
"Secure storage. Luna thinks that it is no longer safe to display Discord publicly. She says some ponies might get it in their heads try to break the spell again."
"Oh?"
"Yes. I hate to admit it, but it's possible. Sometimes ponykind's worst enemy is ponykind itself."
"Yeah, I know."
"You do?"
"We use pony-shaped dummies for practice, after all."
"Ah, true. I hope you'll never have to use your spear against a fellow pony, Radish."
"Me, too. But if it came to that, I'd do my duty, ma'am."
"I know. But it's my duty to ensure it never comes to that."
Radish emerged from his bunkhouse's shower room and sat on his bed, toweling his mane. Spats emerged soon after, toweling his.
"Quite a day, eh, Rad? What's your Discord story?"
"Story?"
"Every guard is sharing what Discord did to them while he was loose. Cairn got turned into a giraffe. Adelle got turned into a cow."
"But Adelle is a cow."
"No, like, a different cow. And word around the castle is that Discord trapped the senior officers inside a giant dollhouse and dressed them up like dolls. Commander Roller was the mommy, Corporal Shade was the daddy, and Captain Armor was the baby. None of them are admitting to it, though."
"Sheesh. Anything happen to you?"
Spats looked at the floor and shivered. "He put gum in my mane, Radish."
Radish hugged him. "I'm sorry, Spats."
"And you?"
"Attacked by flowers."
"Creative bugger, wasn't he?"
"Yeah."
"Want to play a nice, orderly game of shuffleboard?"
"I'll have to take a rain check. I'm going to hang out with the bat ponies."
"Is that a pun?"
"Not intended."
"Good. I never liked puns."
Fetching Steps knocked on the door of a roadside motel room- three times fast and one time slow. The door opened by a unicorn's aura. She entered and locked the door behind her. A hefty seafoam green unicorn stallion with a gray mane sat on the bed, reading a newspaper.
"Welcome back, dear. How did it go?"
"Main objective complete," she said, pulling out a scroll. "Here- the list of everyone who was siding with Discord."
The unicorn took it in his aura and read it over. "My, my. What naughty ponies. Well done. Any problems?"
"Yeah, these contacts are killing me."
"Go take them out," he said, waving to the bathroom. "We'll have soft ones for you next time."
She put down her things and walked into the bathroom.
"Did you acquire anything else?" he called.
"Mmm-hmm. Check my purse."
He opened her purse and pulled out three-fourths of the chaos flower bulb.
"Interesting. Is this Discord-made?"
"Yep."
"Why didn't it disappear with his defeat?"
"I think it's from Never Atoll."
"Oh? Someone breached its defenses? Who?"
She reentered the room, rubbing and blinking her violet eyes.
"A royal guard. Lieutenant Radish Root."
"Really? Did you see his cutie marks?"
"Yeah. What's the story with those?"
"Sorry, my dear. Information is currency, and you don't have that much credit yet." He looked at the bite through the bulb. "What, did you get hungry?"
"He did."
"Interesting fellow. Worth keeping an eye on. Thank you, Fetch. Oh- was he there?"
"Yes, and he got the stamp."
"Good."
Vesper sat inside a green gazebo in one of Canterlot's smaller parks. Princely Sum sat down next to her.
"Here, the Ordinance of Old Bastion," she said, placing the stamp on the bench between them. "I do not believe it works, however."
He picked it up and smiled.
"No, it doesn't. Because it's incomplete. This is only the handle, made by the earth pony tribe. It's missing the text plate, carved out of crystal by the unicorns, and the storm cloud ink, brewed by the pegasus tribe."
"But the tribes despised each other when this was made. How could they have collaborated on a weapon?"
"That's a good question. Perhaps I'll solve it one day."
"Do you intend to acquire the other pieces?"
"If I do, it would be nice to have your help again."
"If you do, you know where to find me."
Radish entered the Royal Archives, one of the oldest and largest buildings in the palace. A court archivist named Katydid was at the front desk. She regarded Radish with suspicious eyes.
"Hello, Miss Katydid."
"Lieutenant. What can I do for you?"
"I need to get into secure storage. There's something I need to check."
"Lieutenant, the statue of Discord is off-limits."
"Oh, no, that's not-"
"A lot of guards have come by, wanting to speak their mind to the statue. It's not allowed."
Radish pulled the bottle of bourbon he recovered from the Wagoners' coach out of his bag. He placed it on the desk, then scooted it toward her.
"This is Green Duck Reserve. It's two thousand bits a bottle."
"I don't drink."
"You could give it as a gift."
"It's half-empty."
"Half-full. "
"I'd be whole-fired if I let you down there."
"Fine," sighed Radish, putting the bourbon back in his bag.
Katydid peeked into his bag and gasped. "Wait... what's that?"
Radish pulled out the golf towel he found in the coach's wreckage. "What, this?"
"Is that an official Onion Field golf towel?"
"I guess. Why?"
"It's the most prestigious golf course in the world! The waiting list for the waiting list is years long! How do you have that?"
"I found it."
"That's a limited-edition tournament design! In mint condition! And you just 'found it'?"
"Yeah," said Radish, putting it back in his bag. "I was going to use it to polish my boots."
Her eyes twitched and her ears drooped. "Lieutenant, that would be a crime against sports memorabilia."
"Oh? That'd be a real shame."
She looked up and down the hall. She motioned for Radish to come into whispering distance.
"Just... make it quick, okay?"
Radish put the towel on the desk. "Okay."
Secure storage was a massive, dimly-lit room deep under the palace. Radish walked its aisles until he stood before the statue of Discord. It had been stored between a stack of wooden crates and shelves of murky glass boxes. He pulled a rolling ladder in front of the statue and climbed within whispering distance of its face.
"Hello, Discord. If you're hearing this message, then you severely underestimated Twilight Sparkle. Don't beat yourself up- it's a common mistake. I've done it myself a few times."
He leaned in closer.
"But I need you to understand something. Twilight and her team are my friends. The Royal Guard is my family. The citizens of Equestria are my charge. And the princesses are my entire world . And you will never cause any of them an ounce of pain again, as long as I draw breath."
He descended the ladder and began to walk away, then stopped looked back at the statute.
"Keep out of trouble. Otherwise, you'll get a lot worse from me than a pie. Roots crack rocks, Discord. Roots crack rocks."
Radish put his knapsack down on the floor of the bat ponies' bedroom, a wide round room at the top of one of the palace's many spires. He spread his bedroll on the floor between their four beds.
"So this is where you guys sleep. I was picturing a belfry, for some reason."
"Luna has been encouraging us to explore our pony sides as much as our bat sides," said Echo. "Sometimes we use the beds, sometimes we use the ceiling, sometimes we sleep on clouds."
"I prefer the floor," said Murk.
Radish walked out to their balcony. "Dang, what a view."
"This is the highest point of the palace," said Nocturn.
Radish looked out at the airship docks aside Uptown Canterlot. "You were right. Watching those ships does give peace of mind."
He sat down on his bedroll. The bat ponies sat down with him.
"You guys did good out there. I'm really proud of you. I'm glad Luna appointed us as siblings."
"Us, too," said Vesper.
Radish leaned back onto his bedroll. "I feel like I could spend my whole day off sleeping."
"A fine idea," said Echo, yawning. The other bat ponies yawned, as well.
"But after that, we've got work to do. The world out there is more complicated than I thought. And more dangerous. The Elements may have enemies who are all-powerful, but we've got enemies who are more subtle. The girls will keep the skies full of rainbows for us, so we're going to keep the shadows clear of trouble for them. That's how our destinies will complement each other."
"You have our word, brother. We will do all we can to keep them safe," said Vesper. The others nodded.
"I know you will. Because we're guards, and that's what guards do."
Radish closed his eyes, relaxed, and drifted off to sleep.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish stood sentry in Luna’s hallway. Her door flew open.
“Lieutenant! We would have words with thee!”
Radish jumped to attention. “Ma'am?”
“Hast thou heard of Nightmare Night? Echo says ‘tis tomorrow!”
Radish sucked in air. He was hoping to avoid the topic until the holiday was over for another year.
“Yes, ma’am.”
She stomped over to him and poked a hoof into his chest.
“And thou never thought to mention it to us? Explain thyself!”
“I was afraid it would upset you!”
“And so it has! A night bemoaning our misdeeds as Nightmare Moon! Instilling terror of us in younglings!”
“Princess, it’s mostly just a holiday for kids dressing up and getting candy. Almost no one remembers its origins. And it’s really only celebrated in rural areas.”
“We will not have it! This will be changed!”
“But how could you… oh! Is this your coming out?”
“My… yes! Excellent idea, lieutenant! We will debut ourselves to the modern world and reform this festival in the same night! Radish Root, thou will assist in the preparations! One of these rural areas must be chosen as the setting.”
“Might I suggest Ponyville? Twi-”
“Ah, the site of Nightmare Moon’s return! What better way to show the world that we have broken from her malignant influence than returning to the place that we… that she … attacked. Oh, Lieutenant Root, this is daunting!”
“Princess?”
“If we show ourselves in Ponyville, we will be shunned on sight!”
“But Twilight and her friends live there! They know the real you!”
“We… will keep them in mind. But wouldst thou keep to our side?”
“Yes, princess.”
“And if the crowd bewails our presence and hurls invectives at us, thou will stand up for us?”
“I will.”
“And if they set upon us with torches and pitchforks, thou wilt defend us?”
“They’re going to love you. But yes.”
She stared at him.
“Then that is why thou must stay behind.”
“Princess?”
“Radish Root, we have come to rely on thee too much. If we are to be a worthy princess, we must make our debut without leaning on another. We must do this alone.”
“I… I see.”
“It must be this way. We ask for thy understanding.”
“You have it. I want you to have the best coming out you can.”
“We will bring thee back some candy! What kind dost thou prefer?”
“Jalapeño chews.”
“We are unfamiliar with that, but we will honor thy request.”
“Thank you, princess.”
Radish watched as Luna prepared her chariot. It was the coolest thing Radish had ever seen. Luna had the palace’s craftsponies build it out the wreckage of Nightmare Moon’s carriage, and she added a few new visual flairs to it. Radish hoped the giant eye on its front was purely decorative, though he could swear it sometimes blinked at him just as he looked away.
Luna had put finishing touches on the bat ponies, as well. The quartermaster had crafted them armor matching Luna’s own coloration. Their chestplates also featured a central eye design, flanked by flamboyantly curved pauldrons.
“Echo and Nocturn shall pull the chariot,” said Luna. “Vesper and Murk- patrol Ponyville's outskirts. Lieutenant Root, with us gone, there is no need to guard our bedchamber. You instead will guard our garden.”
“Oh! Really?”
“Truly.”
Luna's courtyard garden had always been private. Radish had never seen it- neither guards nor palace staff were permitted entry.
“Now, there is but one last thing- we must complete our look!” cried Luna. She looked into the sky threw her hooves wide. “To us, our darklings! Become our shroud!”
A flurry of high-pitched screeches accompanied the fluttering of dozens of leathery wings. A flock of bats surrounded Luna and landed on her, coming together to form a solid black cloak. Radish was stunned.
“That looks amazing! I’ve never seen bats do that before! Everyone’s going to love it!”
“Agreed. We anticipate that bat cloaks will be all the rage once Ponyville has seen this.”
“Goodbye, princess. Have a good Nightmare Night.”
“We shall, for it shall be the last Nightmare Night! Away!”
The chariot soared skyward toward Ponyville.
Radish felt a twinge of sadness at the world losing a holiday. He had celebrated it in a limited way as a child, carving rutabagas into lanterns with candlelit faces, and dressing up as a space pony while his Ma and Pa took pictures.
He had shared the holiday with Sky, which was the first time she made candy chews with him. Together they made them in a variety of flavors, giving them to buffalo youths and setting aside some for Nightmare Moon- though it was really the elders who split that pile at the end of the night. Radish and Sky shared spooky stories until they fell asleep under the Mare in the Moon, and awoke laughing at the nightmares they gave each other.
Radish stared at the moonlit courtyard garden before him. It smelled properly earthy. He walked the rows of vegetables. Luna was growing parsnips, pumpkins, carrots, turnips, and…
Radish looked closer. Luna had planted radishes, as well.
He tried to tell himself it didn’t mean anything, that they were a common and beloved root vegetable. He looked at the placard she erected for the row of radishes. It was a brand new varietal. She had given it a name- “Champion Radishes”.
Did she want me to see this?
Radish tried to tell himself it didn’t mean anything, that this was a common and logical name to give a cultivar of vegetable, especially if Luna had designs to enter them in a contest at a fair.
Radish pictured himself at a fair with Luna. They tasted deep-fried snacks together. They played carnival games, and Radish won her an oversized stuffed bear. They rode the Ferris wheel together, and it stopped at the top.
Radish shook his head, breaking out of the fantasy. He stumbled over to a wooden bench and fell onto it.
“What am I doing?” he said to no one.
He heard a whinny. He looked around.
“Who’s there?”
A small screech owl hopped out of a cavity in a nearby oak tree. It perched on a branch and looked at Radish.
“Oh, hi. You a friend of Princess Luna?”
It stared at him. Radish knew it wasn’t actually angry at him, it was just that the arrangement of its facial feathers made it look that way. Still, the look was hard to ignore.
“She’s in Ponyville tonight. She’s having me guard her garden.”
It stared.
“So, see any trouble tonight? Ruffians? Pumpkin rustlers?”
It stared.
“I’m not in love with her."
Incapable of rolling its eyes, the owl rolled its entire head.
“I mean it. Falling in love with one princess was bad enough. I can't go through that a second time. And Luna's even more different from me than Celestia is! She just got here from ancient times. She's barely had a taste of this world. In some ways, it's like she's brand new."
The owl turned to look at a moth.
"But she's not new, is she? She's ancient. She watched this city get built. I must look like a toddler in her eyes. Maybe a puppy."
It straightened a feather on its wing.
"She's like this force of nature, you know? She rules the night and dreams. What am I going to do, ask her to dinner and a movie? I might as well ask out the moon itself. She needs- deserves- so much more than what I can give her. She should be with some kind of king or something."
The owl took a step to the left. It turned its head back at the tree.
“Criminy, I need a girlfriend,” Radish said, leaning back.
The owl looked at him again.
"A lot of nice mares work here. But I can't date coworkers. So what am I supposed to do, just go out into Canterlot, hang out in some bar, and hope the love of my life just happens to walk in? How does anypony do that and succeed?"
The owl flew to a different branch. It looked at the sky.
“Even if I did, who would ever want a guy like me? I bet even you've heard of my problem, huh?"
The owl returned to its cavity.
“Fine, just leave! A guy pours his heart out to you, and you just go sit in your hole! See if I ever listen to your problems!”
It kept out of sight. Radish sighed.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I’m just lonely. Could you come out? I’m going to be here all night.”
The owl flew out and perched on his shoulder, looking at him.
“Hi. I’m Radish. What’s your name?”
The screech owl made a soft hoot .
“Mortimer, huh? Nice to meet you. You're, uh, not going to tell Luna about what I said, are you?"
Mortimer chirped.
"Thank you. And thanks for watching over Luna’s garden. It looks great. You can tell she puts a lot of care into it."
Mortimer flapped down to the base of his oak tree. He pointed to something. Radish approached for a better look. Though he hadn't noticed it in the darkness, the moonlight was now illuminating a small dedication plaque. It had an engraving of a stallion's face, a name, and a date. The date was over a thousand years old.
"Vert Vines. Who was he? Luna's... boyfriend?"
Mortimer hooted.
"Her gardener? He tended this place in the old days?"
Mortimer nodded.
Radish planted his hooves in the ground and closed his eyes. He opened up his senses to the garden. "I can feel the love that he put into nurturing this place. It goes deep. But the upper layers feel different- there was a changing of the caregiver. Luna took over caring for this garden when he... died?"
Mortimer whinnied.
"Disappeared? That's terrible. Your oak missed him. And so did Luna. Her growing seasons feel... sad. She was keeping the garden to honor him, but the loss was paining her." Radish walked over to the Champion Radishes, and felt the soil between them. "But this year's growth feels happier. She gets a lot of joy out of gardening now. But there's also fear, and, confusion... and guilt."
Radish walked back to the bench and sat down. Mortimer perched on the bench next to him.
"It's because of me, isn't it? I remind her of him. So she's confused about her feelings for me. Just like I'm confused about my feelings for her."
Mortimer chirped. Radish pet his head.
"And that's okay. We both could use some time to figure ourselves out. But until then, there's one thing that's clear between us- I'm her guard. And she asked me to guard something really special to her." Radish hopped off the bench. "So I should quit moping and do it."
Hoot.
"Okay, you check the top of the courtyard, and I'll do a perimeter sweep. And keep alert. It's Nightmare Night, after all."
Radish and Mortimer guarded the courtyard garden all night. They had no trouble.
The sun rose. Radish bid good day to Mortimer, and ended his shift in Selenic Spire. He made his way inside the back areas of the palace, to the commissary. On the way, he heard a familiar voice speaking in an unfamiliar tone.
“Radish!”
It was Luna. She flew up to him with a wide smile on her face.
“Good morning, Princess Luna!”
“‘Tis a most good morning, indeed! My coming out in Ponyville was a rousing success! Nightmare Night was fun! The decorations! The costumes! The games! And Twilight Sparkle was indeed helpful! She helped me make friends, Lieutenant! I have friends now!”
“That’s great!”
She bowed her head. “Nay, what am I saying? You have been my friend these many months. Our vastly different stations matter not. I regret leaving you behind. Forgive me. It was my pride that kept you out of the fun.”
“That’s okay.”
“But I have not forgotten my promise- here, your reward!”
Luna reached behind her back and produced a small box of jalapeño chews. Radish took it and opened it.
“These are an uncommon sweet in Ponyville,” said Luna. “The local confectioner said she could not give them away. Yet she did give them away to me, just the same.”
“They’re southern. The buffalo turned me onto them.”
“I’ve not sampled them. May I taste?”
“Sure.”
He gave one to Luna and took one for himself. Luna chewed, then pursed her lips.
“Friend Radish, you must have the palate of a dragon. These burn like fire. And the texture leaves much to be desired.”
“You get used to them.”
“Nay, you get used to them. I will keep to the caramels.”
“I’m glad to hear everything went all right,” said Radish.
“It truly did!” Luna looked around the hall. “We should hold Nightmare Night celebrations here in the castle! Imagine- cobwebs in every corner! Bats flying through the corridors! Bobbing for apples in the throne room!”
“That would be great! Canterlot barely does anything for Nightmare Night.”
“Pish posh to that! ‘Tis my night now, I will see it celebrated to the fullest! Start picking out a costume, Radish!”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Perhaps we could dress up as your cutie mark! I could put on a Celestia wig and stand in front of you making this face!”
She contorted her face into a parody of Celestia’s expression on Radish’s mark.
“Uh…”
“Ha! I am only ‘ribbing’ you, lieutenant! ‘Tis something friends do to strengthen their bond. Rainbow Dash and I ribbed each other heartily throughout the night, and now we are thick as thieves. Now, you must rib me as well!”
“Well, princess, Nightmare Night is over, so you can take off that grotesque mask.”
“But I wear no mask. I… oh. I see.”
She stepped up to him imposingly.
“You dare mock a royal’s countenance? I’ll have you strung up by your ears!”
“Princess! I was only-”
“Ha! Tricked you! Do you see what I mean? Do you not feel thicker with me now?"
"I do, Princess Luna."
She smiled warmly. "Good. I consider myself lucky to know you, Radish. Without your careful guidance, I'd still be a miserable waif crouching fearfully in the shadows. Now I feel as if I have risen... from the grave! "
Lightning flashed outside the windows. Radish jumped in surprise.
"And that... is what makes this next part so hard," she said, sadly.
"Princess?"
"Radish, it is time you left The Night Shift."
"Did I do something wrong?"
"Nay. I did. I took what was meant to be a week-long assignment and turned it into your sole duty. That was selfish. I want you to have postings in more interesting parts of the castle. I want you to work shoulder-to-shoulder with your fellow guards. And I want you to live in Celestia's sunshine and sleep under my moon, as a pony should." She took a step closer to him. "Will you do these things, for me?"
Radish looked into her eyes. "Yes... yes, I will."
"Thank you, Radish. You may consider your duty to me complete, for the time being. Congratulations on a job well done. You have earned this."
She walked up to him, put two hooves around him, and hugged him. His eyes went wide.
"Thank you," he said softly.
"You are welcome, Radish." She let go and stepped back, smiling. "Until next time."
"Until next time."
She took to the air, flying down the hall and out of sight. Radish watched her go.
“Happy Nightmare Night, lieutenant,” said Celestia, walking up to him dressed in a jester outfit.
"Happy Nightmare Night, princess.”
“It sounds like Luna had a good time in Ponyville. I want to thank you for all you’ve done for her.”
“It was nothing."
"I hope you're not too disappointed to be leaving the Night Shift."
“Well, I knew it wouldn’t last forever. I just hope she’ll be okay without me. No, I know she’ll be okay without me. She’ll be great.”
"I think so, too."
Radish held up the box of chews. “Would you like one?”
“Oh, thank you.”
She ate a chew. Her eye twitched. She frowned.
“Radish... were there jalapeños in that?”
“Yes?”
She took a deep breath and a hard swallow. “Did… did you not know that I am very allergic to jalapeños?”
“What!?”
She dizzily stumbled back onto her haunches, gripping her throat. She gasped for air and slumped to the floor.
“MA’AM!”
Radish ran to her side. Her eyes rolled back as she wheezed.
“Ra… dish…”
“Princess! I… I…”
“Gotcha!” she said, winking.
Radish frowned.
“Ma’am, that was in bad taste.”
“Not as bad a taste as that candy, Radish.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Celestia lay on the divan in her private study, leafing through a recent scientific journal.
"Celestia..." called a distant voice.
She looked up. "Who's there?"
"Celestia!" called the voice again, now much louder and closer.
She sparked up her horn and cast a detection spell. She detected no one in her tower but the standard detail of guards and servants.
"Whoever you are, show yourself. I am in no mood for games," she said, sternly.
A burst of light put an elderly stallion in the center of her floor.
"Celestia!" he bellowed.
Celestia gasped. "Starswirl? Starswirl the Bearded?"
"Yes. It is I," Starswirl the Bearded said, approaching her.
"This cannot be. Starswirl disappeared well over a thousand years ago." She stood up and loomed imposingly over him, her horn afire. "Who are you, really?"
"Celestia, do you remember what I said to you when you botched your transfiguration midterm? Your greatest weakness is that you overthink..."
"...and under-analyze. I still don't understand what you meant by that," she said. Her horn stopped glowing. "Starswirl, what happened to you?"
"There is no time to explain right now. I have come to deliver an urgent warning. I have peered through the veil of time and space and gazed upon the potentialities of existence. I have discovered a crucial nexus point in pony history. Or, rather, your future."
"What do you mean?"
"Everything comes down to one decision. At some point in your life, you will meet a boy with cutie marks depicting the two of you in the throes of passion."
"I have met this boy! Please, tell me. What does it mean? What am I supposed to do about him?"
"Listen carefully, Celestia..."
Radish patrolled an empty corridor of the palace's administration building. He stopped to examine the inspection date on a fire extinguisher. Princess Luna appeared behind him in a burst of teleportation magic.
"Radish!"
"Ma'am!" Radish gasped. "What do you need?"
"I wish to share something most comedic with you! In light of the defeat of the mischievous Discord, and the prankful joys of Nightmare Night, I have played a delightful trick upon Celestia!"
"Oh, really?"
"Truly! I entered a dream of hers, taking the form of our old mentor, Starswirl the Bearded. In this guise, I delivered a mock prophecy regarding your cutie marks!"
"What? What did you say?"
"I told her that if she does not sleep with you before the next summer equinox..." Luna started to crack up. "...all her hair will fall out!"
Radish cringed.
"What?" asked Luna. "Is that not hilarious?"
"Ma'am... I'm not so sure she'd see the humor in that."
"No?"
"No ," said Celestia, icily. Radish and Luna turned to see her scowling.
"Now, sister," said Luna, cowering away, "it was merely a jest."
Celestia pulled a pair of shears from behind her and snipped at the air. "You want to talk prophecies, Luna? How about we predict how long it will take for your mane to grow back?"
Luna cowered behind Radish. "Protect me, my Champion," she whimpered.
"Uh..."
"Stand aside, lieutenant. This is between sisters."
Luna teleported away. Celestia teleported after her. Radish stood in silence for a moment, then returned to staring at the fire extinguisher.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root grabbed Saguaro Shade’s shoulders and dragged him to the floor. Saguaro Shade bucked Radish off, throwing him far across the gym mat. Radish landed on his feet and galloped at him. Saguaro Shade dodged, then grabbed Radish by the flanks and shoved him down. He pinned Radish’s right forehoof behind his back.
“Root, you need to stop switching up fighting styles during battle. The Royal Close Quarters Defense stance will cover all your bases if you let it.”
“But if I throw in a Ranger move, anyone anticipating a guard move will be thrown for a loop. And nopony’s going to know how to counter a buffalo move.”
“If a manticore is bearing down on Celestia, do you want to sit there going through a rolodex of styles in your brain, or do you want one form stored on muscle memory to carry you forward?”
“There are anti-manticore moves?”
“There are moves to counter everything. But only if you work with your fellow guards as a team, and only if they can rely on you using moves they know.”
“Okay. Show me.”
Saguaro Shade helped Radish up. They took positions facing each other, preparing for another round.
“Oh, I think you’ve got new orders,” said Saguaro Shade, nodding to the far wall. Shining Armor had walked in and was waving Radish over. Radish trotted over to him, toweling off.
“Captain.”
“Hey, Root. How’s hoof-to-hoof going?”
“Corporal Shade says there’s hope for me yet.”
“Sure. Did you know Twilight’s birthday is coming up? The third.”
“Oh? I didn't realize."
"She's having a party in Ponyville. She asked if you're available. You are. I'm giving you a day pass so you can attend."
"Really?"
"Yeah, Root. This is important. It's Twilight's first birthday since she's made any friends. Ensuring it goes well is a top priority. That means you are going to go there and have fun, even it's some Pinkie Pie-planned kiddy party with a clown. You're going to enjoy the punch, even if it's nonalcoholic. You're going to compliment the cake, even if it's lemon. And if there's a piñata, you're going to whiff so that Twilight can be the one to break it."
"Yes, sir."
"No being a wallflower, either. But if Twilight wants to dance with you, your hooves don't go past her withers. Got it?"
"Aye, captain."
"Now, let's talk gifts. What are you going to give her?”
“Uh, well, I think she might like some books from Princess Luna’s collection. Princess Luna’s read them, and a lot of them are rare first editions of texts that are centuries out of print.”
“See, classic mistake. Everypony gives her books. She can get her own books. A real friend would get her something personally meaningful.”
“I was going to include a card.”
“You know, Rarity is making her a whole dress from scratch.”
“Well, I could give that a shot. What are her measurements?”
Shining Armor scowled.
“Just… come up with something homemade.”
“Yes, sir.”
Radish visited his personal garden plot. There were no mushrooms yet, but daisies in various colors were coming in nicely along the margins.
Nothing more homemade than homegrown.
He inspected them and saw a perfectly-formed flower with long, showy petals the same color as Twilight's mane.
The nicest girls should get the nicest flowers. And a librarian should get a flower worthy of her library's collection.
He dug it up, cleaned it, pressed it dry in newspaper over the next few days, mounted it on thick stock paper, and labeled it by species and the location and date of its collection. He had it framed and wrapped at the palace's gift wrapping center. Shining Armor flagged him down on his way out.
"Good news, Root! Rarity’s cat is sick, so we’re moving Twilight’s birthday to Canterlot!”
“What?”
“It's going to be here in the palace, at seven."
“Oh, nice.”
“Is that her gift? What is it?”
“An Aster elegantula , sir. A model specimen.”
“Sounds fancy. Good job.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“The party’s in the palace ballroom, so dress up nice and formal.”
“Oh. Uh…”
“What?”
“I, uh, don’t really have formal clothes.”
“We do pay you, don’t we, Root?”
“Yes, sir.”
Radish found Spats in their barracks, shining a pair of dress shoes.
“Hey, Spats? You’re kind of a clotheshorse, right?”
“How’d you guess?”
“I need nice clothes. For a thing.”
“Twilight Sparkle’s birthday?”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe they’re getting to use the ballroom again. The new plaster is barely dry.”
"You got something I can borrow?”
“You know you’ve got like twenty pounds of muscle on me? You’d wreck anything I could lend you. And you’d look like a clown.”
“Could you come help me pick out something, then?”
“Sounds fun, but I’ve got a real date tonight.”
“Can you at least give me some pointers about what to buy?”
“With your colors, you’ll want to stick to earth tones.”
“But I am earth tones.”
“No, darker earth tones. You could push into the blues as far as navy, or go as warm as maroon. If the sales ponies try to put you in anything outside of those, walk out the store.”
“But what kinds of clothes?”
“Button-ups and slacks. Maybe a sweater. Most Uptowners are skinny little willows. They don’t really make nice clothes for big slabs of meat like you. Just don’t go up a size to compensate- you’ll look like you’re swimming in them. Don’t be afraid if some of those muscles show through, though. I doubt Twilight will turn you away for looking too buff. Shining might. And don't fall for that shirtless collar fad- it's a tragedy of our times.”
“Thanks, Spats.”
“Have fun at the party.”
“You have fun too, on your date.”
“Oh, I will. She’s a classy dame. Taking me to the Garden Party.”
“Isn’t that right next to the ballroom?”
Spats froze. He looked down at his shoes and frowned.
“Those six are going to make a scene, aren’t they?”
“I’ll try to stop them.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Rad.”
Radish wandered the boutique district of Canterlot’s Uptown. The vast majority of apparel stores were geared towards mares. He found one with stallion-shaped mannequins and entered, looking around.
“Need any help?” asked the salespony.
“Yes. Lots.”
She assisted him in trying on various shirts. He settled on a maroon button-up.
“I like it. Now, I’ll need pants to match.”
“Well, we don't have much of a selection right now. Pants are out for stallions.”
“Uh, out?”
“Guys are going bare-bottomed to formal events these days. Cutie marks are back in! You’re going to want to show yours off. Even touch them up a bit so that they really pop off your fur.”
Radish stared at his reflection in the mirror.
“You know, I think I’d prefer to wear pants. I don’t want to seem too trendy.”
Fully dressed, Radish walked up the palace ballroom, a large building on the south side of the palace’s entertainment quarter. There were a lot more ponies than he thought would be invited. As the shop pony had said, most stallions were without pants. Twilight and her friends were engaged in a conga line to a rockabilly song belting out of a small phonograph. Radish put his gift on a table as Shining Armor entered behind him.
“Sir, am I late?”
“Nah. Those six always get up to some shenanigans when they’re together, so I had everyone else come thirty minutes later so we could skip all that.”
“What were the shenanigans?”
“There was a whole thing where they disrupted the Garden Party outside. Now I guess the parties have merged.”
“Oh. How’s Spats?”
“Spats?”
“Radish! I’m glad you could come!” said Twilight, loping up to Radish and Shining. She was wearing an understated yellow dress.
“Thanks for the invite, Twilight. Happy Birthday! Nice dress.”
“Thanks! Rarity made it for me!” she said, turning and posing to show it off. Radish could feel Shining Armor staring at him.
“Radish! Heads up!” called out Pinkie Pie’s voice.
Radish turned to see a slice of chocolate cake sailing through the air at him. He ducked and caught it with his tail. He transferred it to his hoof and took a bite.
“Nice reflexes, Root. Wish you were that quick in drills,” said Shining Armor.
Pinkie Pie bounced up to them. “Hey, Rad-a-Rooty! Welcome to the party!”
"Hi, Pinkie Pie."
She looked at Shining Armor. “Hi there! I'm Pinkie Pie! What's your name?”
“Pinkie Pie,” said Twilight, proudly, “Allow me to introduce you to my-”
“Ooh! Are you Twilight’s boyfriend!?”
Twilight gagged. Shining Armor screwed up his face. Radish looked at the cake slice, and put the rest in his mouth.
“Of course not!” howled Shining Armor.
“Oh, my bad. You're not ready to put that label on your relationship, huh? I understand."
"Pinkie!" cried Twilight.
"And look- don't feel threatened by Radish, here." Pinkie said, pulling Radish into a noogie. "They're just pen pals. Even though some of us are rooting for him. No pun intended."
Shining Armor glared at Radish.
“Ah ha ha! ” laughed Twilight, loudly. “Say, why don’t we-”
The song on the record changed to a more high-tempo jam.
“Ooh! I love this one!" said Pinkie. "Come on, Radish! Let's scoot boots!"
Pinkie Pie grabbed Radish and dragged him to the dance floor, leaving Shining Armor gritting his teeth and Twilight cringing. She twirled Radish in the air by his hooves. He held on for dear life. She slipped on a piece of cake, and the two of them skidded across the floor in opposite directions.
Rarity helped Radish to his hooves.
“So good to see you, lieutenant,” she said. “And I must say, you’ve built an excellent ensemble around the pocket square I gave you.”
“Thanks. My friend Spats helped.”
She leaned into him. “Is Spats that stallion you came in with? He's quite striking.”
“That’s Shining Armor. Twilight’s brother. And he’s-”
“Brother? Oh, that could get complicated. No, I best not. Unless... did he say anything about me?"
"Uh... he said your cat is sick."
"Ah, he sounds like a compassionate, caring individual."
"Sure."
"What does he do for a living?"
"Actually, he's-"
Radish felt something flat and hard bonk the top of his head. He turned to see Rainbow Dash standing behind him, holding a large wooden mallet in her wings.
“Hey, Radish! Ever play croquet?” she asked. “I challenge you!”
“Rainbow Dash! We were having a conversation!” admonished Rarity.
“Yeah? I think Fluttershy’s about to beat you to the punch.”
She pointed to the refreshments table, where Shining Armor was serving punch to Fluttershy. Fluttershy seemed pleased as punch to make his acquaintance.
“Ooh, that sneaky-! Pardon me, I’m going to introduce myself.”
She stomped over to the table, but changed to a more delicate gait as she closed the distance.
“So, croquet?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“How do you play?” asked Radish.
“I dunno. We’ll figure it out.”
“Okay.”
After a few rounds of non-regulation croquet, Radish went back inside to get some punch. He didn’t see Shining Armor, but there were now a pair of older unicorns, a stallion and a mare, near the punch table. They greeted Radish as he approached.
“Radish Root, right? Twilight’s pen pal?” asked the mare.
“That’s right, ma’am.”
“I’m Twilight Velvet, this is Night Light. We’re Twilight’s parents.”
“Oh! Nice to meet you. And welcome to the palace. You’ve raised a wonderful-”
“We need to talk to you," said Night Light. "In private.”
Well, that’s not good , Radish thought.
They brought him through a door to the ballroom’s kitchen, which was now vacant and dim. Night Light cast a spell and locked the door behind them.
“What… uh… what’s going on?” Radish asked.
“First of all, we want to thank you for all you’ve done for Twilight,” said Twilight Velvet.
“Oh, I’ve barely done anything.”
“Are you kidding?” she said, rolling her eyes. “She told us all about how you helped on the dragon mission, the bat pony mission…”
“And we’re sorry that she killed you out there. Trust me, we didn’t raise her to do that!” said Night Light, putting his hoof on Radish’s shoulder.
“Really? She told you about all that?”
“Yes, why wouldn’t she?”
“I guess those missions are more classified on my end than on hers.”
“Ooh. I hope she hasn’t broken the law by telling us,” said Night Light.
“Why, Celestia might send assassins in the night to silence us!” laughed Twilight Velvet.
Night Light laughed loudly. Radish laughed uneasily.
“Speaking of Celestia,” said Night Light, “she’s the reason we want to talk. We know about your cutie marks.”
Radish cringed.
“No, it’s okay,” he said. “But there's something about them you need to hear.”
“Something about them?” asked Radish.
“See, when you got them, it was a bit of a cause célèbre in Canterlot,” Twilight Velvet said. “Celestia had the city's top minds trying to figure them out. They were supposed to do it discreetly, but ponies talk anyway. Soon, the whole town was abuzz, speculating on what they could mean."
“Celestia said no one ever reached any meaningful conclusions about them," said Radish.
"Well... they didn't have all the available information... because I withheld some," sighed Night Light.
"What do you mean?"
"One of my ancestors, a unicorn named Midnight Runner, well... apparently he once saw a pony with cutie marks very similar to yours."
"Are you serious?"
"This was during the Tribal Era, when the three pony kinds lived separately and despised each other. They would only begrudgingly meet to trade goods and services. Midnight Runner was... ah..."
He looked to his wife. She put a hoof on his shoulder and nodded. He sighed.
"He was a spy for the unicorn tribe."
"Whoa, what?"
"It was his job to sneak into earth pony territory and keep tabs on what they were doing. The unicorns had all kinds of suspicions about what the other tribes were up to. Some feared they were amassing armies, or developing secret weapons. Midnight Runner's talent was stealth spells. He could even evade the earth ponies' animal sentries. During one of his forays into the earth kingdom, he snuck into a pottery studio, thinking it was some kind of weapons forge. The potter there had cutie marks of himself... having sex with a unicorn mare."
"With a unicorn? But most earth ponies in those days would have never even seen a unicorn their whole life."
"Yes, that's true. Just like how you got cutie marks of Celestia without ever meeting her."
"Did Midnight Runner find out what they meant?"
"No, he didn't even think they were real. He assumed they were a vulgar joke, like some kind of anti-unicorn propaganda. He didn't even report them- he was afraid his superiors would punish him for even claiming to have seen something like that."
"Then, how do you even know about it?"
"He recorded it in his field journal. Unicorns keep everything their ancestors wrote, so it's been passed down for ages. It was encrypted, but a thousand-year-old cipher isn't hard to crack."
"Huh. But why didn't you tell anyone?"
Night Light sighed. "Because his writing is just so... bigoted. He was a true believer in unicorn supremacy. His notes are full of bile and slurs for earth ponies and pegasi. He entertained violent fantasies about conquering and subjugating the other tribes. It's..."
He was shaking. Twilight Velvet hugged her husband. "It was painful for us to read," she said.
Night Light composed himself. "Yes. Most ponies in those days were probably like that, but to have it in your own hooves, from your own ancestor... I was ashamed, lieutenant. Showing the journal to cutie mark researchers would have meant giving the entire thing up for analysis. Investigators would have examined every page, down to the ink. Historians would have studied every word. They might have published their findings, and then everyone could have seen every hateful word Midnight Runner wrote. The thought of friends and neighbors seeing that, Celestia seeing that, our kids seeing that... I couldn't do it. I'm sorry."
"But you're not responsible for your ancestors."
He sighed. "But I was responsible for my children. At the time, Shining was a hotshot cadet, Twilight was already Celestia's star pupil, and Spike was just a hatchling. I feared this would put a dark cloud over all their futures. So I kept it secret, and all those cutie mark researchers never heard about it."
"Would it really have helped them?"
"We'll never know now. Maybe it could have given them some new lead to pursue, or a spark of inspiration that could have brought answers for you. Everyone was treating your marks as an intellectual riddle to figure out. We had all lost sight of the fact that we were supposed to be helping the little boy who got them. I never thought I'd come face-to-face with him. And I never thought he'd grow up to be my daughter's friend." He bowed his head. "Please, forgive me."
"It's okay. Really, it is. I know a thing or two about public shame. I wouldn't want to wish it on you, or your kids."
Night Light held up two small notebooks in his aura. "Here's the original notebook, and the deciphered version. They're yours do with as you see fit. Share them, publish them, have them studied, anything you want."
Radish took them. "Thank you. But I'm not going to show them to anyone. My marks are my burden alone. I don't want them to cause anyone else an ounce of anxiety."
"Thank you, lieutenant."
"I appreciate you telling me. Let me repay you, somehow."
“No. No friend of Twilight owes us a thing," said Twilight Velvet.
Radish looked down at his slacks. “Well, uh, if you’re curious about what they really look like… would you like to see them? Very few ponies have.”
“Seriously?” asked Night Light.
“Yes!” said Twilight Velvet.
Radish checked around, then lowered a side of his slacks. Night Light cast a bright light onto Radish’s cutie mark.
“Well, I’ll be,” Twilight Velvet said.
“Wow, I didn’t think it would be so detailed,” said her husband.
“And Celestia doesn’t want to do that ?” scoffed Twilight Velvet.
“Mom? Dad?” called Shining Armor, banging on the door. Radish quickly cinched up his slacks. Night Light grabbed his drink and splashed Radish with it. He stood wet and blinking in confusion. Shining Armor used magic to unlock the door and threw it open.
“Mom? Dad? Root? What are you three doing in here?”
“Oh, I accidentally spilled club soda on Radish here. We were helping him get it out before it stained,” Night Light said.
“I thought club soda got stains out ,” replied Shining Armor, suspiciously.
“You hear that, Vee? It gets stains out!" exclaimed Night Light.
"Thanks son, you’re a genius!” said Twilight Velvet.
“Okay, well, come rejoin the party when you’re ready.”
He backed through the door, eyeing Radish.
“Sorry about that, lieutenant,” said Night Light. “I was afraid he would think we were having one of those ‘What are your intentions with my daughter? ’ kind of talks.”
“Oh, I-”
“Yeah, especially after the last guy,” said Twilight Velvet.
“The last guy?”
“One time a cadet tried to romance her. Roses, chocolates, serenades under her window- the whole nine yards. Shining had him sent to the front lines.”
“The front lines of what?”
“The Guard intermural dodgeball tournament. It was a massacre.”
“Poor guy was never the same,” sighed Night Light.
They emerged from the kitchen. The ballroom's lights had been dimmed and a contemporary ballad was playing on the phonograph. Several of the ponies were slow-dancing.
"Radish, there you are!" said Twilight, trotting up to them. "Come on! Dance with me!"
"Oh? Sure."
They walked to the center of the dance floor. Radish took to his hind legs and held out a hoof.
"Oh, you dance bipedally?" she asked with surprise. "That's so sophisticated."
"That's me, Twilight. I'm Mister Sophisticated."
She stood on her hind legs, wobbling a bit. He took her hoof to steady her, and placed his other on her withers. They held each other at arm's length and slowly circled.
A flashbulb went off from the side. Twilight Velvet had snapped a photo of them. She waved grinningly, then gestured for them to ignore her.
"I'm glad you could come to my birthday," Twilight said.
"Me, too," said Radish.
"I like your pants."
"Thanks. They're new."
"Sorry to have my birthday in a public setting. It was a last-minute change."
"What do you mean?"
"You know, if we were having this party in my own home, you wouldn't have to hide your cutie marks."
"Yes, I would. Spike would be there. And your folks."
"Well, they go to bed earlier than the rest of us."
Radish scanned the room. "Where is Spike, anyway?"
"He's been outside, psyching himself up to ask Rarity to dance all night. Oh! There he is."
Twilight pointed to the far side of the room, where Spike was nervously approaching Rarity. He wore a red bow tie. His scales were polished to a mirror shine, causing him to reflect spots of light across the walls like a disco ball. He held out a claw and asked her something. She said something cheerfully, and put her hoof in his claw. They slow-danced, closely. Twilight's mother snapped a flash picture of them, too.
"Aww," said Twilight. "Looks like that scale polish you sent him did the trick."
"I'm glad."
"But I'm worried he's setting himself up for disappointment. I just don't think Rarity will ever reciprocate his feelings."
"He's got his whole life to deal with disappointment. Let him enjoy a dance."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to touch a nerve."
"Hmm?"
"You know, because Celestia didn't... reciprocate your feelings."
"Oh. Yeah. Well, it's okay. I get a salary from her, and that's almost as good."
Twilight chuckled and leaned her chin on his shoulder. "I'm glad you stayed in the Guard. And I'm glad we became friends."
"Me, too."
The song ended, transitioning into a disco beat. Radish and Twilight separated and dropped back to all fours.
"Look, Twi," said Radish, "Don't plan your special days around my special... problem. You should have your birthdays however you want, wherever you want. I'm fine wearing pants, I promise."
"You shouldn't have to hide who you are when you're among friends. How about we plan a special get-together sometime, where we can all hang out unclothed? No kids, no parents, no pants."
"You know what? That sounds nice."
Radish lay in his bunk, paging through the decoding of the ancient text. It was the closest thing to an answer he had received in all his years. It was also the farthest thing from an explanation.
He turned to a new page. In this one, Midnight Runner had described earth pony children with a series of colorful metaphors.
Well, that's... elaborate.
He found the entry about the earth pony with cutie marks like his own. Midnight Runner didn't see fit to describe them in any detail, but simply denigrated their bearer's appearance, profession, and odor.
Who was the potter? My ancestor? And who was the unicorn mare? Did they ever meet? Am I their descendant?
Radish pondered it over.
No, that's impossible. He was probably just another unlucky guy with no answers. Maybe the cutie marks weren't real at all, and it really was just a vulgar joke about the enemy.
Radish flipped another page.
Funny, for a spy, he seemed to have missed something big.
“Hey, Radish? What's wrong? Is that book not a good one?” asked Spats, entering the room.
“Not really. It just leaves you with more questions than answers.”
“I hate it when they do that. How was the party from your end? My date did not care for Twilight’s friends. She dragged us out the minute Applejack started digging up weeds. I spent a while trying to calm her down, but I don’t think it’ll work out between us.”
“Sorry.”
“No biggie. She was only beautiful and wealthy. You make any headway with Twilight?”
“Headway?”
“Did I read it wrong? You two seem perfect for each other. It’s a tale as old as time- the delicate aristocrat girl falling for a rugged soldier type. Then they run away together, so her father, brother, and betrothed hunt them down and kill the guy. Then she throws herself off a cliff in grief. Classic story.”
“We’re just friends.”
“Probably for the best. The captain’s her brother, after all, and the cliffs around here are high.”
A tiny envelope poofed into existence in front of Radish. Inside it was a note from Twilight's parents.
Radish- just to be clear, we have no problem with earth ponies mixing with unicorns. ;) -TV And you seem like you'd do just fine in dodgeball. ;) -NL
"But her folks seem to like me."
“Really? That was never my strong suit. Speaking of which, nice clothes.”
“Thanks. I took your advice.”
“I wish more ponies did. The world would be a classier place.”
Dear Radish,
Thanks for coming to my birthday party! It was a lot of fun, and I learned a new lesson on friendship from Rarity.
I got your gift! Thank you! The library in Canterlot had an extensive herbarium, something the one here in Ponyville is lacking. You’ve inspired me to start one. How about I name it after you? I’ll have Spike start setting it up right away.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S.: My parents had a lot of nice things to say about you. Thank you for making them feel welcome at the palace.
P.P.S: Sorry if I was an awkward dancer. I'll be better at it next time, I promise.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat up straight in the chair before Shining Armor’s desk. The captain was flipping through what looked like a manuscript. He had been doing so since Radish was called into the office. Radish cleared his throat.
“Did you need something from me, sir?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah. It’s almost Hearth’s Warming. I want to make sure all Twilight’s friends are taking that seriously.”
“How seriously, sir?”
“What are you getting her?”
“I’m still deciding.”
“Well, decide quickly. And make it good. You know what I’m getting her this year?”
“No, sir.”
“A whole pageant!”
“Sir?”
“I’ve convinced Princess Celestia to choose Twilight and her friends to put on the Hearth’s Warming play this year. They’ll be the lead roles.”
“Oh? That sounds more… uh, never mind. That’s wonderful, sir.”
“No, Root. What were you going to say?”
“It’s just… that sounds more like an imposition than a gift, sir.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow.
“It’s just that the holidays are extremely busy and stressful for a lot of ponies, sir. Adding rehearsals onto that-”
“Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s the same play every town does every year. Everypony already knows the script by heart. Barely any rehearsals are needed. All they have to do is show up, dress up, and say the lines. It’s the rest of us who will be doing the heavy lifting.”
“The rest of us, sir?”
“It’s a royal production- I want all my guards to have a hoof in it. Don’t worry, you don’t have to act. All I need now are ushers.”
“When would this be?”
“Hearth’s Warming Eve.”
“I was going to see my parents.”
“Well, invite them! They’ll love it.”
“So there are tickets for them?”
“Sure, if you buy them.”
“Can I just paint some sets ahead of time instead?”
“I've got Cairn doing the sets.”
“Costumes?”
“Spats volunteered.”
“Marketing?”
“Spike is doing flyers. Dragon mail, you know? Root, are you trying to weasel out of helping my sister put on a play about ponykind coming together?”
“No, sir. What does an usher do, exactly?”
“Basically what a guard does. You’ll be a natural.”
Radish Root stood sentry over the aisle of the Performance Hall’s section B. The hall was packed. The play was in full swing. As Shining Armor had said, it was a familiar script. Twilight and her friends seemed to be improvising some lines, though- Radish had never heard a reference to Starswirl the Bearded in the Hearth’s Warming tale before, and didn’t even know he had been alive in that era.
The special effects were impressive. The costumes were high-quality. The ending song was nice. Radish helped the crowds shuffle peacefully out. He stepped into a side hall, where ponies were mingling and waiting in lines for the bathrooms. At the bar, he saw his parents getting punch.
“Ma! Pa!”
“Son!”
They hugged.
“You look amazing in that armor!” Celery Root, his mother, said.
“Thanks, ma.”
“And you grew your tail out!”
“I had to. It’s the dress code.”
“It looks great!”
“Thanks.”
“So, how’s it been?” Beet Root, his father, asked.
“Great. The palace is amazing. I’m getting along with my fellow guards, and I met a nice owl.”
“What about you and Celestia?” asked his mother.
“Uh, what about me and Celestia?”
“Is she still not interested in you?”
“Ma, she’s my boss. She’s the princess.”
“She’s also your cutie mark.”
“That doesn’t mean she has to have anything to do with me. I’m lucky she even let me work here.”
“We just figured all she needed was time. Once she got to know the real you, she’d take another look at your marks and decide to go for it.”
“She won’t. It’s okay.”
“Then, is there somepony else?” his father asked.
“No.”
“How about that girl who played Smart Cookie? She’s quite a looker,” said his mother. “Do you know her?”
“Ma, that’s Applejack.”
“The Applejack?”
“Yeah.”
“Ooh, maybe you’re the one she’s been holding out for all this time!”
“I’m just trying to focus on my job here.”
“Son, you can do both,” said his father. "You know, you could reconnect with Praline- did you know she lives in Canterlot now?"
"Praline? What, from elementary school? Dad, I haven't spoken to any of my old classmates since..."
He trailed off. His father and mother looked down, saddened.
"Since we took you away from them," his father said.
"It's okay,” he said, giving his parents a hug. "It all worked out. Better than I could have hoped for. Come on, I want to show you something."
He led them outside, to a quieter corner of the palace grounds. He whistled. The four bat ponies, clad in their black armor, dropped down from the sky. They bowed to Radish’s parents.
“Hello, Mother and Father Root!” they said in chorus.
“I am Echo!”
“Murk!”
“Vesper!”
“Nocturn!”
“So good to meet you!” said Celery Root. “Thanks for taking care of our boy.”
“Your boy takes care of us!” said Murk, roughly patting Radish on the head.
“So, how come you four are bats, anyway?” Celery Root asked.
“Ma! Don’t just ask a pony why they’re a bat.”
“Oh, we were not bats always,” said Echo. “We were pegasus siblings. Nightmare Moon kidnapped us when we were foals.”
“She tortured us, brainwashed us, and mutated us through forbidden dark magic and illegal mad science,” said Nocturn.
“What?” said Radish.
“What!?” said Beet Root.
“WHAT?!” said Celery Root.
“Did you not know that?" asked Vesper.
“I had no idea. I thought you four came out of a cauldron or something,” said Radish.
“I am afraid it is all true, Roots,” said Princess Luna ruefully, walking up to them.
“Princess?” said Radish.
“Oh! Your highness!” said Radish’s father. He and his wife bowed.
“Mistress! Happy holiday!” said Echo.
“Would you four excuse us?” asked Luna.
The bat ponies nodded, then trotted away. Luna turned to Radish and his parents.
“Roots, you now know the horrid truth.”
“Princess, you’re not responsible for what Nightmare Moon did,” said Radish.
“That’s right, sweetie. Don’t beat yourself up,” said Celery Root.
“In the spirit of this holiday, I wished to find some way of making recompense to those four. I tried to track down existing relatives so that they could rejoin their families, but could find none. Their family line died out centuries ago. No doubt because of me.”
“I'm sorry, princess," said Radish.
“I don’t know how else to make it right,” Luna said.
“Mistress, it is not necessary!” said Vesper.
The four looked up to see the bat ponies hovering overhead. They dropped down to the ground.
“I told you four to leave,” reproached Luna.
“We did leave. But we still heard,” Vesper said, pointing to her bat ears.
“The past is the past. We have long forgiven Nightmare Moon,” said Murk.
“But I ripped you from your families! Think of the suffering you went through! The suffering they went through!”
“You have suffered, as well,” said Nocturn. “A thousand years in the moon, alone. What more suffering could we wish on you?”
“You have been nothing but kind since your return,” said Echo.
“You have given us a wonderful new home,” said Murk.
“And wonderful new family,” said Vesper. “We cherish our time with Brother Radish.”
“You guys…” said Radish, getting misty-eyed.
Beet Root and Celery Root whispered back and forth to each other.
“Your highness, we have an idea,” said Celery Root. “If you’d like these four to experience family life again, how about letting them stay with us for a while?”
“Truly?” asked Luna, surprised.
“Really?” asked Radish.
“We've got plenty of room,” said Beet Root.
The four bat ponies looked at each other, then went into a huddle, whispering among themselves. They broke apart.
“We accept!” said Vesper.
“You do? You would like to stay at their beet farm?” Luna asked.
“Yes, but there is a condition,” Murk said.
“Yes?” Luna asked. “Name it.”
“You must have a Happy Hearth’s Warming,” the four bat ponies said as one.
Luna gasped and turned away.
“I will,” she promised.
“Thank you, Mistress," said Murk. "We will return when we’ve had our fill of family life.”
“Could you four take Ma and Pa on a tour of the castle? I’ll catch up.” Radish said. “Just stay out of the restricted areas.”
As the bat ponies led his parents away, Radish walked up to Luna’s side. Noticing she was stifling tears, he mumbled an excuse to leave.
“Stay, Radish Root. You and your parents have brought me great joy this holiday. The small gift I have for you now seems trifling in comparison.”
“You got me something?”
“Indeed. We are friends, after all, and you have done so much for me on my long road to recovery.”
“Oh, I barely-”
“And give me not thy false modesty.”
“I was happy to help. Anything you need.”
“I need your spear.”
“My spear?”
“Yes. You’ll see.”
Radish took his spear from his back and gave it to her, still in its collapsed form. She took it in her aura and concentrated. Dark blue glowing lines carved themselves into the handle and faded, leaving behind an intricate etching. She passed it back to Radish, and he looked at it. She had adorned his spear handle with an elaborate engraving of herself in silhouette, as well as moons, stars, and roses.
“Since ancient times,” she explained, “knights would carry into battle weapons inscribed with mementos of whom they fight for. Let this be a reminder to yourself, and a warning to your enemies, that you are my Champion. No one else has this honor.”
Radish held it close to his chest and smiled.
“It’s beautiful. Thank you. But now my gift for you seems trifling.”
He pulled a small gift box from his bag and gave it to her. She took it and opened it, pulling out a wrappage of blue stick candies.
“A candymaker in Ponyville made these in honor of you. A special Lunar Blend.”
She held the candies in her aura, staring at them. She tasted one. She closed her eyes and smiled.
“The taste is wonderful. It is strong, complex... and sweet."
"It's their most popular candy now."
"Thank you, Radish."
"Happy Hearth's Warming, Princess Luna."
Radish trotted across the palace commons on his way back to his bunk. He saw Princess Celestia heading from that direction, clothed in an elegant red winter cape with white trim.
“Hello, ma’am! Happy Hearth’s Warming!”
“Happy Hearth’s Warming, Radish!”
“I, uh, got you something,” Radish said, reaching into his bag. He pulled out a large envelope and gave it to her.
“Why, thank you.”
She opened the envelope and pulled out a typed essay. It was the same one she assigned him after Nightmare Moon. He had now corrected all the mistakes he had lost points on, and retyped it. She looked at Radish.
“I just thought you deserve more than a B+ guard, you know?” he said. “Twilight helped me with the punctuation.”
Celestia smiled. “So, what you’re saying, is that your gift to me… is you?”
“Oh, uh… that’s not what I-”
“I’m teasing, Radish. Thank you. You know, the last guard who redid a punishment essay without prompting was Shining Armor.”
“Really? What was the essay about?”
“That’s between us, Radish. But I got you something, as well. It's in your bunk.”
“Oh, ma’am, you didn’t-”
“All my employees get something, Radish. I enjoy the personal touch of picking out each one.”
“What? There’s like a thousand on your staff. You get all of us something unique? And you do that every year?”
“That’s the magic of Hearth’s Warming, Radish,” she said, winking.
Radish entered his bunkhouse. The other guards were examining and admiring their gifts from Princess Celestia.
“Radish! Check it out! PC gave me belt polish!” said Spats, proudly showing off his gift.
“You can polish a belt?”
“I can now! This is the good stuff, too! Imported from Saddle Arabia! What’d you get?”
Radish looked into his bunk and saw a small wrapped box. He opened his gift. It was a jar of hard candy sours, made from Balencian oranges.
“Hey, the royal confectioner made these, from that tree in Courtyard A,” Radish said, reading the label.
“Really? Usually only royalty gets to eat anything from that courtyard. You must have been extra good this year.”
“You have been, too, Spats. Here, have one.”
Radish tossed Spats a candy, who caught it in his aura. Radish took one, and they both popped them in their mouths simultaneously.
The candies were powerfully sour. Spats made a noise and spat his into a handkerchief. Radish savored his.
“I don’t think she likes you, Radish. That would pucker a hippo.”
“Maybe it’s her way of saying she thinks I’m tougher than a hippo.”
“Then, congrats.”
A puff of smoke appeared over Radish, and turned into a scroll. Radish read it.
Dear Radish,
Happy Hearth's Warming!
Shining told me how you volunteered to be an usher for our play. Thank you so much! It was a lot of fun, and I’m so relieved that it all went off without a hitch. My friends even learned a little bit about the meaning of Hearth's Warming. I hope the rest of your holidays go well.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S. I just found the book of Ranger tales you left for me. Thank you! I got you something as well. You’ll know when you get it.
Radish showed Spats the letter.
“I wonder what that means?” Spats asked.
"Hey, Root," called Zero from the bunk room door, "the commander wants to see you in her office."
"She's in her office this late on Hearth's Warming Eve?" Radish asked.
Zero shrugged.
Radish went to Barrel Roller's office. It was the only room in the command tower with lights on.
“Hey, Root, got something for ya.”
She pushed a paper across her desk to Radish.
“Apparently, some ponies have been complaining about the quality of the optics provided to the Royal Guard. So some ponies who have pull with the princess have recommended guards get special dispensation to use some other scopes from some other services.”
Radish looked at the memo. “I can use my Ranger binoculars now?”
“You know, if some ponies were unhappy with the royal spyglasses, they could have asked their commanders nicely for an upgrade, instead of siccing Twilight Sparkle on them over the holidays.”
“I was just speaking off-hoof. I didn’t know she’d do this.”
“Uh huh. By the way, I hear we’ll be without the bat ponies for a while.”
“They’ll be taking a sabbatical. Sort of a home-study program.”
“So no more bat spoor under the west bridge? No more beetle carapaces strewn across the parapets? No more echolocation screeches at night outside my bedroom window?”
“Yes, ma’am. They should return having learned a bit more, uh, refinement.”
“That’s the best gift you could have given me, Root. Thanks. Happy Hearth’s Warming.”
“Happy Hearth’s Warming, commander.”
The Only Mark That Matters
32. Hearts and Hooves Day
Radish Root relaxed in the palace’s library, reading a magazine about Canterlot’s food scene. He realized he hadn’t been to a single restaurant the magazine mentioned.
“Root, there you are.”
Radish looked up to see Shining Armor standing before him.
“Sir?”
“What are you doing for Hearts and Hooves Day?”
Radish startled back. “Why, sir, I’m flattered, but-”
“Yeah, yeah. Funny guy. I’m serious.”
“I, uh, didn’t have plans.”
“See, when Twilight lived in Canterlot, she never got anything for Hearts and Hooves. I want to make sure she gets something from all her new friends this year.”
“Sir, it's supposed to be a day for special someponies.”
“Twilight doesn’t have a special somepony, and that's probably not going to change anytime soon. Ponyville is hardly the type of place she’d meet a smart, sophisticated stallion.”
“We could set her up with Spats. He’s working on a law degree.”
Shining Armor stared at Radish with a perfect mixture of disgust and disdain.
“Just send her something nice, but nothing she could misconstrue as romantic. And not a book.”
“Yes, captain.”
Radish went to a bookstore after work.
He picked a tome from the historical section and a Hearts and Hooves card from a rack, and brought them up the counter. The clerk, a grey female pegasus with blue eyes, rang him up.
“Want me to gift-wrap this?”
“Yes, thank you.”
“Are you sure you want to give your special somepony a book about Hearts and Hooves Day for Hearts and Hooves Day? I could recommend something a little, you know, spicier.”
“I don’t have a special somepony. It’s just for a friend.”
“It’s not really supposed to be a day for just friends.”
“My pen pal’s brother is my boss. He insists.”
“That’s… wow. I’m sorry. That’s a weird spot to be in.”
“ ‘preciate it.”
“If you do find a date for H n’ H, I can recommend a restaurant in Midtown. It’s intimate. You know, dark inside? So dark you couldn’t even see a pony’s cutie mark.”
Radish’s eyes went wide in surprise.
“You know?”
She leaned on the counter, smiling easy.
“You’re a bit of an open secret around The ‘Lot. No judgement, though. I think it’s kinky.”
“Thanks.”
She held out a hoof, and Radish shook it.
“I’m Hazy Shade. Your boss is Shining Armor, right? So your pen pal would be Twilight Sparkle?”
“You know her? Oh, of course you do- this is a bookstore.”
“Yeah, she came in here a lot. Really high-strung in those days. One time she lectured me for putting some obscure grimoire in the fiction section.”
“Well, she’s all about friendship now.”
“That’s great. I hope she enjoys this one.”
Radish took the wrapped book. He made for the door, then stopped. He went back to Hazy Shade.
“Say, are you, uh-”
“Taken, sorry.”
“Have a nice day.”
Radish had never celebrated Hearts and Hooves day. He had vague memories of passing and receiving cards in elementary school, before his parents moved him away. He never thought about it in Ranger Academy. On the plains, it came and went like every other day. The buffalo had their own special days set aside for romance, but Ranger HQ told Radish to make himself scarce on those days.
Canterlot celebrated Hearts and Hooves Day with gusto. Red and pink hearts, streamers, balloons, and bows were on every storefront and lamppost. Restaurants advertised specials for couples.
Radish found himself walking down the streets of Midtown, a district for which Hearts and Hooves Day was too mainstream to celebrate. There were no decorations or couples’ specials. He felt less on edge.
“Well, I’ll be! Radish Root! Howdy!”
Radish turned to see Applejack, hitched to a tall cart with green striped awnings.
“Oh, hello Applejack!”
“What brings you out here?”
“Book shopping.”
“Oh, lemme guess- you also got a letter from Twilight’s brother, demanding you get her a Hearts and Hooves present? Even though it ain’t the kind of holiday for jus’ friends?”
“He told me in person.”
“Why, of all the nerve. He came to you in the palace?”
“Well, he’s… yeah. He did.”
“I mean, it’s a sweet idea an’ all, and I get Twilight’s not had many friends before, but Hearts n’ Hooves is sposed’ta be for special someponies. I don’t like it when traditions get all blurred up, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“And askin’ a feller like you to send her somethin’ is gonna confuse things further. She might think you’re sweet on her or somethin’.”
“He said to send her something non-romantic.”
“And you got her a book?”
“Yeah.”
“I dunno. You know how much she likes books.”
“Are you in town shopping for her, too?”
“Partially. I just dropped off a delivery downtown. A batch of Sweetheart Apple Tarts! Then I thought I’d poke around this part of town for a gift. But now I’m just flummoxed about what to get her. She’s kind of hard to shop for- I don’t know much about that scholarly stuff.”
“My ma always says gift-giving is not about what they want, it’s about what you want them to have.”
“Wise lady, your ma. I want Twilight to have a good set of tools! I don’t think she has any in that library.”
“That’s nice. And it’s very non-romantic. Palace maintenance buys their tools from a smith not far from here. I’ll show you.”
“Thank ya kindly.”
Radish took Applejack to the smithy. It was a long warehouse-style building with the forge in the back behind long aisles of racks displaying finished tools.
“Land’s sakes!," said Applejack, trotting down an aisle, "I ain’t never seen so many kinds of tools in my life! Look at these funny wrenches! Y’all Canterlot folk sure have some fancy things!”
“That’s funny, I don’t really think of myself as Canterlot folk. ‘Canterlites’, is what they’re called.”
“But you’ve been livin’ in town for a while.”
“I don’t get out of the palace much.”
“I don’t blame ya. This city’s a lot of a lot, ya know?”
Applejack bought a basic toolset for Twilight. She had the case personalized with Twilight Sparkle’s name and had the tool handles stained purple.
“I hope she likes it,” said Applejack.
“She will,” assured Radish.
“As a thank you, let me buy you a smoothie!”
“Oh, okay. Thanks.”
They trotted to a neighborhood smoothie stand. Applejack got Radish a hay smoothie and ordered a mango smoothie for herself.
“Really? Mango?”
“I eat things other than apples, Radish. I grow things other than apples.”
“Sorry.”
“Nah, I know I’ve cultivated a real apple-istic image for myself.”
“Well, it’s not a bad… image.”
“Thanks, Radish. You come from farm stock, too, don’tcha?”
“As much as any earth pony, I guess. But my parents both had office jobs when they had me. They bought a farm in the Flint Steppes and moved us out there when… well, you know.”
“No, what?”
“When I got my cutie marks. They wanted to live in the middle of nowhere to escape the shame.”
“Oh. I didn’t realize it was as… dramatic as all that. I’m mighty sorry.”
“It’s okay. Celestia talked to them, and we were a happy family again after that.”
“She’s swell, isn’t she?”
“Really swell.”
They sat on a sidewalk bench and enjoyed their smoothies, watching the ponies on the street go by. Midtowners tended to wear clothes that were a clashing medley of garments from various decades. Many had numerous piercings and wild manestyles, and some pulled carts that were plastered with bumper stickers featuring the names of bands, mottos of life philosophies, and brash political opinions.
“Sure are a lot of, uh, interestin’ ponies in this part of town,” said Applejack.
“They say Midtown is where ponies end up when they don’t fit in anywhere else.”
“Well, everyone fits in down in Ponyville!”
“That’s a nice thought.”
Applejack deposited her smoothie cup in a trash can.
“You take care now, ya hear?”
“You too.”
Radish watched her pull her cart down the street. He took a deep breath. He ran after her.
“Applejack, wait up.”
She stopped and turned.
“Yes?”
“I liked hanging out with you today.”
“Likewise!”
“And Hearts and Hooves is tomorrow, so I was wondering…”
She smiled, politely. Radish knew what that smile meant.
“Oh, never mind. Have a nice day.”
“Aw, come on. You were so close. Finish the thought.”
“Would you like to have dinner tomorrow?”
“That’s mighty sweet of you, Radish…”
“Okay.”
“…and you’re a real nice feller…”
“Oh…”
“…but I’m so busy with my farm, I just can't give a nice feller the time he deserves, you know?”
“Yeah.”
“But there are plenty o’ gals who can. And I bet Miss Right is just around the corner.”
“Thanks, Applejack.”
“Next time there’s an Apple Family Reunion, stop on by. I’ve got single cousins. Real pretty ones.”
“Oh?”
“And hey- at least now you can brag about going through the rite of passage like all them others.”
“You know about that, huh?”
“Yep. Granny teases me ‘bout it.”
“Sorry.”
“Not a problem. Here, take this.”
She reached into her cart and pulled out a miniature pie with a heart shape cut out of the crust.
“I always pack spare Sweetheart Tarts in case some get ruined on the trip.”
Radish took it. He could smell the spices in the filling.
“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Radish.”
“I thought you didn’t like it when traditions get all blurred up.”
“Liftin’ a friend’s spirits is my tradition.”
“Thank you. Happy Hearts and Hooves, Applejack.”
“Take care. Stay sweet.”
She continued down the street. Radish sat on the bench and ate his tart.
Many of the tourists visiting the palace on Hearts and Hooves Day were couples walking hoof-in-hoof, or hoof-in-wing, or wing-in-aura, or some combination thereof. Many asked Radish to take their pictures posing in front of the palace’s more romantic views. The maids were giving out chocolates from silver trays in the halls.
Radish sat in a palace breakroom, staring at a red paper heart that had been stapled to the bulletin board. The door swung open, and one of his fellow guards, a sleek tan earth pony named Rhum Runner entered, looking stressed out. He looked around, saw Radish, and brightened.
“Hey, Root! I need your help, buddy.”
Rhum Runner had never called Radish “buddy” before. Radish was apprehensive.
“Yes… buddy?”
“You doing anything for H n’ H? Or anyone ?”
“What is it, Rhum?”
“I need a fourth for a double date on Hearts and Hooves.”
“I… really?”
“You like mares, right?”
“Yeah.”
“My girlfriend Chicory has this single friend. Doesn’t want to be alone on H n’ H. And she likes stallions.”
“And you thought of me first.”
“You want to come or not? It’s at Teaky’s. You know, where they’ve got those ridiculously complicated drinks.”
“Your treat?”
“I’m treating Chicory. You can treat Sodypop. That’s her name.”
“Is she cute?”
“Are you picky?”
“I used to be.”
“And where did that get you?”
“It got me here, considering a last-minute blind double date.”
“Great! Meet you there. Dress nice. Bring a flower.”
“The eating kind or the looking kind?”
“They don’t allow outside food.”
Radish entered Teaky’s at seven, carrying a rose. Rhum Runner met him in the front. He straightened Radish’s jacket lapels.
“You look like a million bits, buddy. You’re gonna knock her dead. And bring up your dragon-watching! She’ll be hot for you in no time.”
“Rhum, what if she asks about my… you know…”
“What?”
“Come on.”
“What ?”
“My cutie marks!”
“Oh, geez. You’re that guy, aren’t you? When you said you used to be picky, you meant you picked Celestia?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, nopony’s going to compete with Celestia. Time to bring you down to earth, buddy. But don’t worry, there are fine ladies here among us mortals.”
“Okay. But what if she asks what they are?”
“What do you normally do when somepony asks about them?”
“Lie, make excuses, and leave.”
“Well, don’t do that here. Why not just tell the truth? We’re all adults. You could even show her. She’d probably get a big kick out of it.”
“Okay.”
Rhum Runner led Radish into the restaurant, a large bar and grill decorated in tropical themes. Ponies were drinking out of coconuts, pineapples, conch shells, and ceramic sharks.
Chicory, a light blue earth pony, and Sodypop, a magenta unicorn, were seated at a booth. Radish greeted them politely and gave Sodypop the rose, which she smiled at. They sat, ordered drinks, and chatted.
“So, Radish. Tell me about yourself,” said Sodypop.
“Well, my family farms beets. I was a Plains Ranger for six years. I did dragon monitoring on the Southern Plains for two of those years. I worked with two different buffalo tribes- the Long Runners and the Black Bluffs. Then I transferred to the Royal Guard. I've worked closely with Princess Luna. And Rhum Runner here is my buddy.”
“What’s your cutie mark?”
“Here, check it out.”
Radish pulled aside his slacks and showed her his cutie mark. She spit a mouthful of tropical drink across the table.
“What the fuck is that !?” Sodypop demanded.
“It’s me having sex with Princess Celestia.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you!?”
“Don’t worry, it’s consensual,” Radish assured her.
“Chicory!” Sodypop hissed. “This is who your boyfriend brings for me!?”
“Rhum!” growled Chicory. “Was this a big joke to you?”
“What? What’s the big deal?” asked Rhum Runner. “It’s just his mark. We’re all adults here.”
“So, Sodypop,” said Radish. “Tell me about yourself.”
“No. ”
Radish and Rhum Runner stood outside the front door of Teaky’s.
“Hey, sorry. I thought she would be more of a, you know, free spirit,” Rhum Runner said, putting his hoof on Radish’s shoulder.
“I never got my drink.”
“Well, Chicory is gonna need an extra to calm down. Hey, let me make this up to you.”
Radish waited.
“Um… how about a hug, buddy?”
He hugged him.
“You’ll find someone,” he said. “Just keep being you.”
“Thanks, buddy.”
Radish hunched over the counter of Joe’s Donuts. He ordered a blackberry donut with decaf.
“Don’t bother with the coin purse,” said Joe. “Remember when you paid for Twilight’s next tab? She returned the favor.”
“Then let me pay for her next tab.”
“Fine by me. You two can chase each other’s tabs for as long as you want.”
Radish leaned on his hoof and sipped his coffee. He looked over to a booth where two ponies were snuggling into each other. He sighed.
“You okay?” asked Joe.
“Just… had a bad dinner.”
“I know what that means. But you should stick around. H n’ H is a big day for comfort food. We’ll probably see a bunch of lonely hearts in here.”
Ten minutes later, Radish was talking to a slender silver unicorn.
“Palace guard? What’s that like?” she asked, brushing her mane behind her ear.
“Lots of rules, but it’s a great place to work.”
“Do you see the princess often?”
“Sure. Both of them.”
“Both? Oh, right. There’s that, uh, moon one now.”
“Luna. She’s nice.”
“How’d you get into it? Is your special talent about weapons, or fighting?”
“Oh, I’ve always just wanted to be where the action is.”
“But what’s your cutie mark?”
“It’s a… uh… you know, I don’t like talking about my cutie mark.”
“Why not?”
“It’s a sensitive subject for me. So, you live in Canterlot all your life?”
“Why is it a sensitive subject? What’s it of?”
“Never mind. What kind of movies do you like?”
“Don’t just say ‘never mind’. What’s your problem? Why won’t you answer the question?”
“Does it really matter?”
“‘Does it really matter!?’ Your cutie mark is who you are. It’s what you are. Why are you being so weird about this?”
“Why are you being such a bitch about this?”
“Yeah, nice talking to you. Ass.”
She left some bits on the counter and walked out.
Radish leaned his head on his hoof.
“Could I have another?”
Joe placed a donut in front of him.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Where’d that girl go? Not a love connection?”
“No.”
“Don’t worry. Plenty of fish in the sea.”
“I guess.”
He heard a popping sound, and a scroll appeared above him and fell onto the counter.
Dear Radish,
Happy Hearts and Hooves Day! I wasn’t expecting all my friends to give me gifts today- I always thought it was more of a holiday for special someponies. Thank you for the book about its origins. I had no idea there was a such a cool history behind it- I thought candy shops invented it! Some of the kids here in Ponyville took the wrong lesson from it, though. They had to learn that love can’t be rushed or forced- that love happens when two hearts are ready for it.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S., Here’s my H&H gift to you. I made one for all my friends.
Radish pulled a homemade bookmark out of the bottom furl of the scroll. It was the same color as his coat, and the tassel was the same as his mane. He smiled and tucked it into his shirt pocket.
He swiveled around in his stool and gazed up at the palace through the shop’s windows. Some of the exterior lights had been tinted red and pink for the holiday. He lifted up his coffee cup and toasted the palace.
“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Celestia.”
“And yourself, lieutenant.”
Radish whipped around. Celestia was in a corner booth. He steadied himself on the counter.
“What in the…”
“Oh, you didn’t know I was here? You were toasting me in absentia ?”
“Sorry.”
“For what?”
“I don’t know.”
She left the booth and took the stool next to him.
“Bad day?” she asked.
“Did you just see?”
“Yes. And heard.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. It was unbecoming of a royal guard.”
“I found her etiquette to be quite discourteous. Many of these Uptown ponies are overly-used to getting their way in all things. Sometimes a strong upbraiding can give them something to think about.”
“Yeah.”
“But still, language.”
“Yes, ma’am. Uh, may I ask why you’re here?”
“Twilight turned me on to this place. I’m picking up one of their holiday specials for Luna and I to share.”
“Could you tell her I wish her a happy Hearts and Hooves, as well?”
“Of course.”
Radish sipped his coffee. It was cold now. Joe wasn’t around to warm his cup.
“Radish, I’m sorry if my ah, presence on your cutie marks is causing you to miss out.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“No.”
“I’m just so unused to anyone caring about my marks. After you met with my parents, they turned around on them. I’m really grateful for that, by the way. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I was happy to help.”
“I just stayed on the farm for a while after that. Didn’t really interact with anyone but a few traders and some tutors. They never asked about my marks, they were just there for business.
“Then I joined the Rangers, thinking it would take me a million miles from anypony. It did, but the Academy had to come first. You know- groups showers, physicals, swim drills, any number of ways to be exposed. They all saw it. I got some stares, some laughs, some questions. But there were marks of all kinds there- lollipops, spoons, topiaries. We all forgot our marks after a while. The training was what mattered.
“And on the plains, I was usually assisting or arresting ponies. No questions about it there. The buffalo don’t have marks, and they never asked about mine. Just one ever knew. She teased, but only because we were that close.
“And the palace guards all knew my story coming in. They act like it’s no big deal. I always wondered if you or Shining had something do with that?”
“No, other than we simply hire the best. The best don’t mock one’s marks.”
“So when I get asked about my marks, it really throws me for a loop. I’ve spent my life avoiding anyone who cared, so I never built up a defense on the matter. I’ve got as thin a skin about it as when you met me.”
“I’m sorry. Pony society, especially Canterlot, is very much oriented around cutie marks. Your problem is almost singular among ponies. I’d like to help.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Your highness, your order is ready,” said Joe, emerging from the kitchen with a tall box.
“Thank you, Joe,” said Celestia, taking it in her aura. “Radish…”
“It’s okay. I’ll be fine. Don’t let your food get cold on my account.”
“It’s an ice cream cake.”
“Then don’t let it get warm on my account.”
She pulled a homemade bookmark out of her wing. It was her colors, as well.
“Just remember that you have friends who cherish you for who you are, Radish. Even on your worst days.”
“Thanks, princess. Happy Hearts and Hooves. For real.”
“Happy Hearts and Hooves, Radish.”
A white dove flew in through the shop's open transom, carrying a pink envelope in its beak. It lighted on Celestia’s outstretched hoof. She took the envelope and held up a coin, which the dove took before flying away. She opened the envelope, pulled out a letter, and read it. A joyous smile spread across her face.
“Radish! It’s from Shining Armor! He’s in love!” She threw her hooves around Radish and hugged him tightly. Radish’s entirety of being froze solid.
“With… you?”
Celestia laughed and picked him up, holding him above her head.
“With my niece Cadance, silly! They just had the most wonderful Hearts and Hooves date!”
“Oh! That’s great!”
He dangled there in her hooves, not entirely disliking it. Then, he realized what he just heard.
“Wait, you have a niece?”
“You’ll see!” she cheered, her eyes shining brightly.
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The Only Mark That Matters
34. The Suitor, Part 2: Dinner Among the Stars
Radish showered and dressed for dinner, dabbing the cologne on the back of his neck. He got a few stares, sniffs, and comments from his coworkers as he made his way to Starry Spire. Spats made him hold for pictures.
Starry Spire was Celestia’s personal tower. Radish had never been inside- guarding it was reserved for much more experienced veterans. Inside was Celestia’s bedchambers, bath, and living areas, as well as her personal study and magical laboratory.
The guards at the door let Radish pass wordlessly, and he entered the brightly-lit foyer. It was far more colorful than Radish was expecting- he assumed it would all be white marble trimmed in gold, like much of the palace. Instead, the floors and walls were covered in rich and varied hues of purple, red, green, and orange. Tapestries of arcane runes and sigils lined the halls, and the furniture lining the halls was plush, sturdy, and ancient.
A valet pointed him to the end of a hall, which terminated in an elevator. Shining Armor was waiting for it, dressed formally as well.
“Captain?”
“Root. Nice tux. How you feeling?”
“Fine, sir.”
“Sounds like you’ve been asked that too many times today.”
“I have, sir.”
“Try to buck up. This dinner is important.”
“Important? Why’s that, sir?”
“Forget I said that. This is just a nice, informal get-together between friends.”
“Are you invited as well?”
“You didn’t know?”
“The, uh, guest list seems to grow longer by the minute.”
“It’s you, me, Princess Celestia, Halcyon, AG1, Barrel Roller, Saguaro Shade, and the head of the Royal Archeological Society.”
Radish leaned back. “Sir, that’s a lot of big names. And then… me.”
“I don’t make the list, Root.”
“Wait, I thought the head of the Archeological Society was on an expedition… to the Far Eastern Edgelands…”
“And how would you know that?”
“I was part of an archeological discovery myself. The museum told me he was abroad.”
“Right. Well then, you’ll have something to talk about with him.”
The elevator car reached the ground floor. The doors opened with a ding . Radish and Shining Armor entered, and Shining Armor pushed the button for one of the highest floors. The elevator whirred and ascended.
“Root, I want to speak with you, stallion-to-stallion. About your feelings on Halcyon.”
“My feelings don’t matter. I do my duty, to the princesses and their guests.”
“Yeah? Nice line. I don’t buy it.”
“What do you want from me!?” Radish snapped.
Shining Armor gave him an annoyed look.
“I mean, what would you ask of me, sir?”
“Root, things are happening now that may drastically change life for the princess, the palace, and Equestria. We're all going to need to deal with that.”
Radish bent low toward Shining. “Is it… really that serious? He’s been here a day.”
“That’s no one’s business but theirs. Got it?”
“Yes, sir.”
The elevator opened with another ding . A butler was standing in the hall, waiting for them.
“Captain,” he said, “a situation has arisen that requires your attention.”
He held up a silver tray with a small note. Shining took it in his aura and read it. Shining grit his teeth, balled up the note, and stuffed it in his pocket.
“Son of a nag. I have to deal with this. Root, go on ahead. Tell them not to wait for me.”
The butler led Radish to a large drawing room. Inside, the guests were mingling to a string quartet. A cherry-red pegasus was behind a bar, doing cocktail shaker tricks with her wings. She poured a drink for a distinguished-looking unicorn- the head of the Royal Archeological Society.
Celestia was at the far side of the room, speaking to Halcyon and Twilight. The conversation looked playful. Celestia wore a rich violet evening gown and had her hair braided down one side. Twilight had a blue dress on. Halcyon now had a thick forest green cape draped over him.
Twilight’s friends were gathered chatting around a side table furnished with appetizers. They, like Twilight, were dressed in evening wear, and Radish was impressed at how well each mare’s dress complemented their personal idioms. He assumed Rarity crafted them all.
“Whoa, Radish! Looking good!” said Pinkie Pie, bounding forth.
“Spiffy duds, Radish,” agreed Applejack.
“Indeed! You look quite dapper!” said Rarity. “Whoever said tuxedos were on the way out should take a look at our lieutenant here.”
Radish tried to keep from blushing, reminding himself that these girls were always generous with compliments.
“Thank you. You all look lovely tonight.”
“Ha!” scoffed Rainbow Dash. “Listen to him trying to be all smooth. And is that cologne I smell?”
“Yeah, you like?”
“Only in your dreams, lieutenant.”
“I dream a bit bigger, Miss Dash.”
Applejack snorted and laughed.
“Oh, we know,” said Rainbow Dash smirking. “Say, I hear Barrel Roller is coming tonight. Could you introduce me?”
“You’re a fan of the commander? I thought you were all about Wonderbolts.”
“She dominated Fight-and-Flight records for years! Still holds onto a few. I heard she once chased a gang of pirates through a tropical depression and came out the other side with them in cuffs. Didn’t even get wet!”
“That sounds like her, all right. I wonder where… oh. There she is.”
Barrel Roller entered the room escorted by Saguaro Shade. Saguaro Shade was wearing a blazer with a turquoise bolo tie. Barrel Roller came in a long black dress. Both Radish and Rainbow Dash had to snap themselves out of staring as they approached.
“Root, glad you could make it,” said Saguaro Shade.
“Good to see you, sir, ma’am. Oh- the captain’s seeing to something that came up. He said not to wait for him.”
Saguaro Shade and Barrel Roller eyed each other.
“We know. He caught us on the way out,” said Barrel Roller.
“That’s the downside of being captain, Root,” said Saguaro Shade, “you miss out on the fun once in a while.”
“Something to think about if I ever become captain,” said Radish.
Barrel Roller did her best to stifle a snort. Rainbow Dash nudged Radish with her wing.
“Oh. Have you met Rainbow Dash? She’s the Element of-”
“HI! I’m Rainbow Dash!” she squealed.
While Rainbow Dash awkwardly and excitedly introduced herself to Barrel Roller, Saguaro Shade pulled Radish aside.
“You okay, Root?”
“Just a bit bewildered, sir. Most guards go their entire lives without being invited to a Starry Spire dinner party.”
“These are unconventional times, Root.”
“How so, sir?”
“Forget I said that. Let’s just enjoy the party. Try the canapés.”
While Saguaro Shade sampled the hors d’oeuvres, Radish took a deep breath and walked up to Celestia and Halcyon.
“Welcome to the party, Radish,” said Celestia.
“Thank you for the invitation, your highness.”
“Ah, Radish Root!” said Halcyon. “Good evening!”
“Hello Mr. Halcyon. I hope you’re enjoying your stay at the palace.”
“I am overwhelmed! I’ve never seen such beauty before,” he said, waving his hoof around the room while keeping his eyes on Celestia. Celestia smiled.
“I felt the same way when I first got here,” Radish quickly said.
“I was just getting to know the ponies here through their cutie marks. As you can see, we don’t have them where I’m from.”
He lifted his cape to show his flank. From across the room, Rarity took an extra hard look, as if trying to memorize the view. The cellist almost missed a beat.
“Each pony here has told a fascinating tale about how they earned theirs.”
Some of the other guests turned to look at them. Others turned away, pretending not to hear. Celestia eyed Halcyon, warily. Radish, however, was well-practiced at changing this subject.
“Oh, no doubt, Mr. Halcyon. Twilight’s story in particular is quite fascinating! The news of a dragon hatching in Canterlot really sent the Plains Rangers in a tailspin. Speaking of which, we’ve been getting reports that a dragon migration may soon be upon us-”
“What is your cutie mark?”
Radish now kept several responses to this question on deck. He chose his favorite.
“It’s two ponies smiling,” he said.
Celestia looked relieved, and she smirked a bit. Rainbow Dash smirked broadly, and Pinkie Pie suppressed a giggle fit.
“Really? May I see it?”
Saguaro Shade and Barrel Roller eyed each other. Twilight cringed.
“Oh, it took me so long to figure out this cummerbund, I doubt I could get it back on before dinner’s served. But trust me, it’s a beaut!”
Saguaro Shade and Barrel Roller eyed each other, this time with a slight levity. Twilight smiled.
“And what does it indicate your special talent to be?”
“I always saw it as meaning that it’s my destiny to bring happiness to others.”
Celestia smiled. Rainbow Dash hid her face with her wings, and Pinkie Pie shoved her head under a table and let out a loud “HA!”
“Then how did that bring you to join the guard?”
“Oh, I try to bring happiness to others all the time around here! From the tourists needing help, to my fellow guards having somepony watching their back, to the staff who always deserve a smile and a thanks…”
“And to his princesses, who appreciate all that and more,” said Celestia, cheerfully.
“Thank you, your highness,” replied Radish. “That’s a lovely gown.”
“Oh, this old thing?” she said playfully. “It was a birthday gift. Which birthday, though, I’m afraid is lost to time.”
“I’m afraid the concept of formal wear is foreign to me, as well,” said Halcyon. “We haven’t it where I am from, either. The royal clothesmaker was kind enough to provide me with attire.”
“And where you’re from- that’s the Far Eastern Edgelands, right?” Radish asked.
“To you, yes. But to me, it is neither far, nor to the east, nor on the edge. We simply live where we always have. We had no need to name it.”
“I see. So, who’s ‘we’? I’d love to hear about your people as well as your land, Mr. Halcyon.”
“Just ‘Halcyon’, if you please. These honorifics are also foreign to me.”
“I apologize, Halcyon. So, about them…”
“Actually, Radish Root, my compatriots and my homeland are quite a tragic tale. I do not wish to recount it now.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“I am not offended.”
“How are you finding your quarters?”
“They are lovely. Though a bit too spacious for a single occupant.”
Celestia turned away. Radish tried to read her expression in the reflection of the balcony doors, but couldn’t make it out.
“My ma would say that’s a good problem to have,” laughed Radish. “I sleep in a bunkroom with nine other ponies, most of whom never learned to wipe their hooves.”
He looked at Celestia. “But I’m grateful for the accommodations all the same, your highness.”
Celestia turned back. She gave a half-grin and a nod.
“May I get either of you a drink?” asked Radish.
“Yes. Would you fetch me something large, cold and strong?” asked Halcyon.
“No, thank you, Radish,” said Celestia. “I need to check on dinner. Enjoy the hors d’oeuvres in the meantime.”
She left out a side door. Radish looked at Halcyon.
“You know, Halcyon- if you’d like to know more about formal wear, you should stick close to Rarity tonight. She’s a fashion genius.”
Rarity overheard him, and smiled widely. He waved her over to them. She trotted close quickly.
“Rarity, would you mind telling Halcyon about evening wear while I see to his drink?”
“Love to! Now, Halcyon, the first thing you have to understand is that the history of clothes is really the history of needles…”
Radish trotted to the bar. Halcyon watched him go with a frown. Radish took a stool and the bartender came to him.
“Could I get a Horse’s Neck, please? And a double rye on the rocks for our guest.”
Fluttershy took the stool next to him.
“May I have some bubbly, please?” she asked. “It’s nice to see you again, Radish.”
“Good evening, Fluttershy. I like your hair.”
Fluttershy was wearing her mane up in a small bun, held together with two crossed pins.
“Thank you. Rarity did it up. You know, I always get really nervous about dinner parties like this. But it’s always my friends who help me get through them. Do you need help getting through this one?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“I’ve practiced putting on a brave face in front of the mirror so many times. I know that look.”
“Fluttershy, do you know what’s going on with this Halcyon guy?”
“Only that he’s a new friend of Princess Celestia.”
“How did they meet?”
“They haven’t said.”
“Nopony’s asked?”
“Twilight asked. They gave a vague answer.”
“Isn’t that weird?”
“Well, you like to rely on vague answers yourself, Radish. Shouldn’t we let them have that privilege, too?”
“I guess.”
“Horse’s Neck, double rye rocks, and a bubbly,” said the bartender, putting the drinks before them. “That’ll be sixty bits.”
Radish patted his pockets. “Uh…”
“I’m kidding! Enjoy!” she said. She winked at Radish. He tasted his Horse’s Neck, and noted that she made his double strong.
“Thanks. I really needed this.”
He reached for the rye, but Fluttershy tapped his hoof with hers.
“Tag in. I’ll take this to Halcyon,” she said.
“Thanks.”
She carried off the drink while Twilight joined Radish at the bar. She spun around in the bar stool a couple of times, then ordered a cranberry wine.
“Thanks for coming tonight, Radish.”
“Thanks for inviting me. You are the reason I was invited, no?”
“Actually, Halcyon asked about you being here. I just assumed you were on the guest list. It’s weird, but you’re not automatically invited to our activities when we’re here at the palace.”
“I’m too bottom-rung around here to be getting special treatment, Twilight. Even if we are pen pals.”
“I thought scrubbing the tunnels was the bottom rung.”
Radish frowned.
“Oh, sorry, are you still not laughing at that?” she sheepishly asked.
“Give it a couple years.”
“I heard Shining got called away. Think he’ll be back before dinner?
“It seemed important. I wouldn’t count on it.”
“That’s a shame. We've been seeing each other less and less these days."
“Say, do you know why Luna’s not here?”
“She’s apparently not feeling well.”
“That’s too bad. Oh, thanks for helping her get through Nightmare Night.”
“Thanks for helping her get to Nightmare Night. You know, she spoke really highly of you that night? She was really keen on finding that candy you like. Bon Bon had to dig through her old inventory to find some.”
“I didn’t mean to send her on a scavenger hunt.”
“She said she owed it to her Champion.”
“Oh, Luna…”
Radish looked down at his cocktail. He drank a deep swig.
“Ah, yes! The Night Princess!” said Halcyon, suddenly behind them. “I was so hoping to meet her tonight. Her beautiful moon inspires and soothes those in my land, as well.”
Radish looked over Halcyon’s shoulder to see he had apparently left Rarity and Fluttershy mid-conversation. He had downed his double rye and left the empty glass in Fluttershy’s hooves.
“I’m sure you’ll meet her, Halcyon,” said Twilight. “She just has an unconventional schedule. She works all night, protecting us from nightmares.”
“So I have been told. Now that I am in your land, perhaps I will meet her in my dreams.”
“Are you suffering from nightmares, sir?” Radish asked, after straining to unclench his jaw.
“I’ve not had a pleasant night in ages,” he said, staring at Radish. “I am hoping that changes soon.”
Celestia reentered the room, speaking to a butler. Halcyon wordlessly left Radish and Twilight to rejoin her side.
“Isn’t he fascinating?” Twilight asked.
“Endlessly,” replied Radish. “You’re saying he wanted me here tonight?”
“Yes, he seemed to have heard of you.”
“Well, I have kind of a reputation.”
“Right. I’m impressed how you were able to sidestep his questions about your cutie marks.”
“Years of practice.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever told you this, but I’m really proud of you, Radish.”
“For what?”
“We both know you came to Canterlot hoping to… act on your cutie marks.”
“Yeah.”
“But you’ve grown past all that. You’re serving Celestia and bringing honor to her as her guard. You’ve found a true reason for being here. And it must have taken enormous strength to get over a pony as wonderful as Celestia.”
Radish looked at Twilight, then over to Celestia. He slumped back onto the bar.
“That does take strength, doesn't it?”
“How’s sword training going?”
“I know the moves, but I don’t have the instincts.”
“Well, don’t feel bad. You’ll get it.”
“Were you around when Captain Armor was doing his sword training?”
“Oh, he was swinging around a toy sword since as long as I can remember. It was second nature to him by the time he trained on a real one.”
“Ugh, I am so far behind him.”
“You’ll do great. I remember you taking on that big mechanical wolf with a machete!”
“It took my pants, Twilight. I bet Shining Armor’s never lost his pants in a fight.”
“Radish, quit being a camera.”
“Huh?”
“You’re focusing on the negatives!”
She giggled and snorted at her own joke. Radish gave an attempt at laughing with her.
The distinguished-looking pony approached them. “Hello, lieutenant. I’m Celadon. I’m the Chairpony of the Royal Archeological Society.”
Radish shook his hoof.
“Hello, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“The pleasure is all mine! I was out of the country when you discovered the final resting place of the Storm Centurions. Everypony in the Society would give their right hooves for a find like that.”
“Thank you kindly, but it was actually buffalo youths who made the discovery. Then a dragon took up residence nearby, preventing anyone from getting close for a year."
“Really? I hadn’t been made aware of those details.”
“I tried to set the record straight.”
“Good on you. Straight records are my favorite.”
“May I ask, sir, how you’ve come to be in our company tonight?”
“Ah, I’m a friend of Halcyon.”
“Oh? How did you meet?”
“I believe he intends to reveal that on his own terms. But I think that he will do so-”
“Dinner is served!” called Hallmark from the door to the dining room.
“-during dinner,” Celadon finished.
The guests entered the dining room to find a long table set for them. Radish took a deep breath before looking at the name placards on the table. He was seated between Fluttershy and Twilight, who was to one side of Celestia, with Halcyon on her other side. As it was set up, it was impossible for Radish and Halcyon to even see each other. Radish looked at Hallmark, who made an almost-imperceptible nod. Radish made a perceptible smile.
Dinner was a prickly pear filet seared in a balsamic reduction, with pokeweed salad, duchess potatoes, and freshly-baked bread. Radish was famished, and had to restrain himself from wolfing down his meal.
Radish didn’t need to worry about not dominating the conversation- Pinkie Pie did for most of the night. Saguaro Shade, Barrel Roller, and Celadon all kept to a side conversation between themselves, while Rainbow Dash and Applejack had a long and mostly-friendly argument about team sports. Twilight and Halcyon played tug-of-war for Celestia’s attention, who calmly alternately listened to both. Radish spent most of the night talking to Fluttershy about the creatures in Celestia’s menageries.
Toward the end of dinner, Celestia whispered something to Halcyon, who tapped his glass with his spoon to call everyone’s attention. He stood up.
“May I have your attention, please? I know that I may seem a mystery to some of you. Some of you are no doubt wondering who I am, and or why I am a guest at your palace. I would like to reveal all now.
“I am a survivor- one of the few remaining of my kind. My homeland- which you refer to as the Far Eastern Edgelands- was the original cradle of ungulate kind. It was there that hoofed life first emerged from the primordial darkness. It grew, evolved, and ascended to greatness. A grand civilization was achieved.
“But disaster after disaster struck, bringing the First Hoofed civilization to ruin. Geological instabilities cracked our streets and homes. Unnamed monsters devoured our crops and infested our water sources. Magical anomalies swept the land, making the very laws of physics unpredictable.
“Most of the First Hoofed Ones fled the ancestral homeland. They fell into ultimate disharmony, splitting into factions, and form followed faction. Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, zebras, buffalo, cows, donkeys, and many more hoofed races both extant and extinct, all developed from that first race. From us. All of you are our legacy.
“In that land, some of the originals remained behind, unwilling to leave and unwilling to change. I am descended from that race of survivors. But the disasters never ceased, and even the hardiest survivors now find themselves on the precipice of ruin. I was sent out to seek help before my kin- and your forebears- perish forever.”
“What!?” exclaimed Twilight. “That’s amazing!”
The other guests looked at her in annoyance.
“Not the part about the oldest civilization falling into ruin!” she quickly said. “The part about it surviving this long! You can teach us so much about ungulate history!”
“I can, and I will. But you also have much to teach me. Your seekers of the past, your archeologists, came across me on my sojourn, saving me from perishing in the wilds. They agreed to convey me here, and taught me about Equestria during the long voyage.”
Celadon stood and spoke.
“It was our pleasure. It was a one-in-a-million chance that we happened upon Halcyon. I feel like the luckiest archeologist alive- he’s like an ambassador from history! We learned a great deal about each other’s cultures during the long trek to Canterlot. I believe his people can teach us not only of our past, but of our future, as well.”
“I’m in agreement,” said Saguaro Shade. “These disasters you’ve suffered could come knocking on Equestria’s door one day. You, sir, could be the key to preparing us.”
“I believe you have all you need. You Equestrians have developed so many amazing things since splitting off from the homeland- magic, technology, culture,” said Halcyon. “I wish to learn about it all. But what I believe can save us more than anything is this power of… ‘friendship’.”
“The original hoofers don’t have friendship?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“No. They live for themselves, just as dragons and griffons do. Relationships among my people are transactional, temporary, and reluctant. Us survivors have recognized that this must change if we are to survive, but we are simply failing to make it work! I have come to you seeking to learn about friendship, so that we may thrive once more.”
“Well, if you’re lookin’ to learn about friendship, you’ve come to the right place!” said Applejack. “Twilight here knows so much about it, she’s practically a Friendship Pre’fessor!”
“Oh no,” laughed Twilight. “I’m still just a student in friendship studies. I still have a lot to learn. It’s all of my friends here who are my teachers!”
“In any case, the royal guard is at your disposal,” said Barrel Roller. “We’re always happy to help an illustrious guest. Isn’t that right, Root?”
All eyes were suddenly on Radish, who was in the middle of sipping wine. He quickly swallowed.
“Oh, absolutely!” Radish said. “You can count on me, ma’am. In fact, I’d like to volunteer being Halcyon’s personal guard while he’s here.”
He leaned forward, trying to see Halcyon past Twilight and Celestia.
“I’m still learning about friendship, myself,” Radish said. “I bet we can learn a lot from each other, if you’ll let me stick by your side.”
Halcyon leaned forward to see Radish. He started to open his mouth, but Twilight leaned in between them.
“That’s great!” she cheered. “Radish here is one of the palace’s best guards!”
Barrel Roller, now in the middle of a bite, coughed and choked. Saguaro Shade slapped her on the back.
“Sorry,” she wheezed. “It went down the wrong pipe. Actually, we’ve got Root on a pretty tight schedule this week. But don’t worry- there are other guards here who are almost on his level,” she said, toasting her glass in Radish’s direction.
“Thank you, ma’am, I aim to please,” said Radish.
“Oh, I know,” she said, grinning behind her glass.
Dinner soon ended, and wait staff began collecting plates. The guests retired back to the drawing room, then began to take their leave of the party.
“Whoo-ee!” said Applejack. “That was the best grub I’ve had in moons. Uh, don’t tell granny I said that.”
“Uh, Applejack, you’ve got a bit of, oh, here,” said Rarity, wiping her friend’s cheek with a handkerchief.
“Great party, Celestia!” said Pinkie Pie.
“Halcyon, I’m really happy that you came to Canterlot,” said Twilight. “We’re going to help your people, I promise.”
“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle. You have brought me hope in my darkest hour.”
Radish lagged behind. Soon there was no one left but himself, Celestia, Halcyon, and the bartender, who was packing up her supplies and cleaning out her mats.
“Thank you for coming, Radish,” said Celestia, pleasantly.
“Thanks for inviting,” said Radish, not moving.
He looked over her shoulder. Halcyon was relaxing into the couch. Her couch. In her tower.
“Well, have a good night, Radish,” said Celestia, a touch more firmly, eyes shifting to the door.
“Have a good… night’s sleep, ma’am.”
Radish walked out into the hall. He turned. She closed the door. It locked. Radish backed away.
“Root, you comin’?” asked Barrel Roller, holding open the elevator. He joined her in it, still watching Celestia’s closed door as the elevator doors slid shut. He stared, unfocused, as they descended. Barrel Roller leaned against the side of the car, watching Radish’s face.
“Interesting night, eh, Root? Maybe historic.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m grateful to have been a part of it.”
“Don’t lie to your commander, Root.”
“Well, the wine was good, at least.”
She snorted.
The elevator reached the bottom and opened. They exited the spire into the cool evening air. A lone cricket chirped from a nearby bush.
“You’ve got sword training tomorrow morning, don’t you, Root?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Why do you even want a sword? They’re so unwieldy, most guards don’t bother. I never did.”
“That’s part of the reason. If you see a guard with a sword, you know they’ve trained their heart out to be able to use it. It’s an intimidating sight.”
“You want to look scary, Root?”
“Well, scarier.”
She snorted again.
“G'night, Root.”
She walked off. Radish stopped and sat on a stone bench by the hedge maze. He stared up at Starry Spire. Most of the windows were still lit.
After a while, the bartender trotted past him pulling a noisy cart of bottles and cans. Radish looked at her.
“Do you need help, miss?”
“Oh, I’m good.”
“Sorry, I would’ve tipped, but I didn’t know to bring any money tonight.”
“That’s okay. Princess Celestia tips for everyone. And she always over-orders my favorites so I can take home the leftovers. Here!”
She reached into the cart with a wing, and flicked out a can of cider to Radish. He caught it, cracked it open, and drank.
She sat next to him with a miniature wine bottle. She took a swig.
“I’m Grenadine Splash. Radish Root, right?”
“That’s right. I’ve seen you in the tourist bar. But you also work in the officer’s club, right?”
“Good intel. PC lets me stretch my wings for big shindigs like tonight. But what I really want to do is run the royal distillery.”
“There is no royal distillery.”
“It’s my goal to start one. In that old abandoned alchemy lab.”
“That’s a good place for it. There’s easy access for deliveries, and it’s isolated in case of fires.”
“That’s what I was thinking!”
“Thanks for the, uh, liquid support tonight.”
“Nothing like a social lubricant to ease the burden of a fun get-together.”
Radish finished his can. He crushed it in his hooves. He glanced up at the tower again. The lights were still on, though the curtains had been drawn closed.
“I’m sure they’re just talking about all that rebuilding civilization stuff.”
“It’s none of my business. Good guards don’t gossip. We just do what we’re supposed to do.” He stared at the tower again. The lights behind the curtains were definitely dimmer now, like mood lights. “For her.”
Grenadine Splash raised her bottle to toast the tower.
“For her. But you know… you’ve got options. You really seemed to be getting along with Fluttershy tonight. I’m pretty sure she’s single.”
“Oh, really? Fluttershy?”
“You’re not into her?”
“I think she’s great.”
“But?”
“You know about my cutie mark, don't you?"
"Yeah, so? You've got issues being in public, she's got issues being in public. It's perfect. You two can just stay in together."
"She lives in another town.”
“Ponyville is like an hour away by train. Most ponies spend that much time in downtown traffic every day. Plus, she flies.”
“She’s part of Equestria’s most important team of heroes. I… wouldn’t want to throw off their group dynamic or anything.”
Grenadine Splash reached into her cart and pulled out a bunch of red-striped paper straws.
“Here,” she said, “since you seem to be grasping at some.”
“Ha ha. I mean it. It’s a matter of national security. They need to keep their heads in the game.”
“Do they know that? Those six won’t be single forever. And they can do a lot worse than you.”
“They can do a lot better, too. I’d probably just screw things up with her. Make her cry. Make the rest of the team hate me.”
“Where’s this insecurity coming from?”
Radish glanced back at the tower. All the lights of the other floors were being snuffed by the staff, one by one. The top floors were still lit dimly.
“Just think about it, okay?” Grenadine said.
“I’ll… I’ll think about it. Thanks.”
She finished her wine, and put the bottle and Radish’s crushed can in her cart. She hitched onto it and started away.
“It was nice talking to you,” she said.
“May I escort you home?”
“I was going to fly home.”
“Never mind, then.”
“But I should lighten the load first.”
She tossed him another can.
“Thanks,” Radish said, catching it.
“Just remember, a cold one can make the good times better, but they can’t make the bad times good.”
“Let me know when you get your distillery up and running. I promise I’ll be in better spirits by then.”
“Better Spirits. Good name for the brand. I’ll share the first bottle off the line with you.”
“That would be great. Thanks. Good night, Miss Splash.”
“Good night, lieutenant.”
She flew off with her cart. Radish took one more look at the tower. He could swear he could make out moving figures in the dim lights before they went out. He downed his can.
He returned to the barracks and flopped into his bunk. Spats peeked down from the top bunk.
“Radical! How was dinner among the stars?”
“Just fantastic.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Spats… am I insane for wanting Celestia?”
“Hey, she’s a fantastic lady. You’d be insane if you didn’t.”
“Should I just give up on her?”
“Yes. Definitely.”
“Do you think I should ask out Fluttershy?”
“That’d be swapping one celebrity for another. Find yourself a nice, humble, civilian girl, who never fights any villains or has crazy adventures.”
“Know any?”
“If I did, I’d be dating her myself.”
“Yeah.”
“But if she dumped me, I’d be okay with you taking her out.”
“Thanks, Spats.”
“Could you please hang up that tux now? You’re killing me lying in bed with it.”
“Okay, Spats.”
Radish stared up at Starry Spire. All the windows were dark. In between cricket chirps, he thought he could hear something from the top of the tower. He strained to listen. He caught something that sent his heart into his gut. He took a step back, teeth gritting. He looked at the door of the tower. He started going over his memory of the interior and the guards’ positions within as he walked to the door.
In a burst of glittery flares, Princess Luna emerged from a starlit portal above him.
“Radish Root. Is this the behavior of a royal guardstallion?”
“Princess Luna? I’m having a nightmare?”
“Indeed. Your distress lights up the dream realm like a bonfire.”
“How much was real?”
“Halcyon is real, all right, and you will leave him alone. You will stay out of his and Celestia’s business.”
“Princess Luna… does Celestia really like this guy?”
“Asking that question is not staying out of their business. What right have you to interpose? Who do you think you are , lieutenant?”
“I’m… what is really going on!?”
“Again, an inappropriate question. Radish Root, I thought better of you. I thought your childish lust for my sister had subsided. I thought you were a stallion of honor. Of duty.”
“I am!”
“Then keep to your duties. I will not repeat myself.”
“Princess Luna!”
Radish awoke in his bunk. It was still dark out. He stared at nothing until it was time to get up.
The Only Mark That Matters
35. The Suitor, Part 3: A Job to Do
Radish Root swung his practice sword low. Saguaro Shade met it with his. Radish swung it high. Saguaro Shade met it. Radish swung faster, advancing on his instructor. Saguaro Shade transferred his baton from his mouth to his hoof and held his ground against Radish’s blows.
“You’re fighting well this morning, Root. You seem to have extra fire in your furnace.”
“Just feeling motivated this morning, corporal.”
“Yeah? That’s what I like to see in a guard. Maybe Princess Celestia should bed down with a guy every night.”
Radish twitched, then launched himself howling at Saguaro Shade. He furiously smacked his baton against Saguaro’s. The batons cracked into splinters. Saguaro Shade fell back and Radish was on him, holding his broken baton up to Saguaro Shade’s neck.
“Say it didn’t happen! Say you’re just messing with me!”
Saguaro Shade slipped out of Radish’s grasp and pinned him to the floor.
“Yeah? What’s it to you if it did? What’s it to any of us?”
Radish tossed him aside and leapt on him.
“We’re her guards!”
Saguaro Shade knocked him off and held Radish in a headlock.
“What are you guarding her from, Root? Living her life? Where’s that in the manual?”
Radish exploded out of the headlock, wrenching his neck. He ignored the pain and galloped full-bore into Saguaro Shade and tackled him in a wild fury. Saguaro Shade planted his hooves and held him at bay, then stepped aside and let Radish fall on his face. He pinned Radish’s hooves to his back and sat on him.
“Root, listen to me. Princess. Celestia. Doesn’t. Belong. To you.”
“I know that!”
“Then why are you so angry?”
“Because I- because…”
“Yes?”
“Why was it so easy for him and so impossible for me!?”
“There we go.”
He helped Radish up off the floor.
“What’s so wrong with me, corporal? Ain’t I good-looking? Ain’t I easy to get along with? Don’t I do my job well? Do I ever lie, cheat or steal around here? Am I not a decent, hard-working pony?”
Radish felt his eyes water. He turned away.
“Root, if that’s all that mattered, the princess would be dating everyone. You made your choices. You chose the Guard- a position that puts you near her but out of reach, like you’re separated by a gully that’s five feet wide and a mile deep. She’s made her choices, too. The only choice left is how you react to it.”
“I know. I know! I don’t know why I’m feeling this way. I thought it was over and done with.”
“Root, the palace has ponies who help ponies who don’t know why they feel the way they feel.”
“A therapist, corporal?”
“You’ve never been to one?”
“A few times, as a kid. My parents thought it would help me with my marks. Look how I turned out anyway.”
“Root, you turned out damned fine. you just need to lighten your rucksack a bit. And the palace docs are bar none.”
“I guess I could give it a shot. And I’m sorry I busted the batons.”
“For the record, I have no idea what goes on in anypony’s bedrooms. And that’s the way I like it.”
“How do you do it, corporal? How do you work so closely with her without aching for her?”
“I’m married, Root. I have something real.”
“And what, you just don’t see her that way?”
“I don’t. Is it that hard to believe?”
“Yes.”
“Go shower, Root. You’ve got a job to do.”
Radish’s morning assignment was an unusual one for him- a supply run. He entered the Potion Bureau’s main workshop, donning a lab coat and safety glasses as per the rules. He found the Head Potionista, a petite white unicorn, sitting hunched behind a bubbling concoction flowing through a complicated array of glassware. She smiled at him, the view of her face distorted by the refractions of the vessels and tubes.
“Oh, Lieutenant Root! Welcome! You’ve got to see this!”
Radish stared at the array from the side.
“What is it?”
“Artificial phoenix blood. In case the royal pet needs a transfusion someday.”
“Their blood is colorless?”
“Yeah, it’s basically lighter fluid. Hey, is your neck all right?”
“I wrenched it during practice.”
“Oh, I’ve got something for that. Hold on.”
She rolled her chair over to a cabinet and rifled through its drawers, then pulled out a small vial of brown liquid. She floated it to Radish’s hooves.
“What is it?” Radish asked.
“De-wrencher.”
He popped the stopper and drank it. He coughed.
“Was that alcoholic?”
“It has a bourbon base. How’s the neck?”
“I can’t feel it anymore.”
“Great!”
“What can I do for you?”
“Zecora has completed work on a shipment of potions. I need a courier who’s familiar with the Everfree to get them here.”
“You’ve got it.”
“But not by train.”
“Hmm?”
“Those potions have a molasses base. That means they have to be moved slowly, or they go bad.”
“How bad?”
“They’d bubble over into a big black stinky mess.”
“Sheesh. How slow?”
“Nothing faster than walking.”
“So, pulling a fragile cartload on hoof, from Zecora to here, up the mountain road? That would take me…”
“Yeah, twenty hours of travel time, assuming no traffic. Sorry. But there are plenty of great campsites along the way.”
“I was thinking sixteen. And I’ll probably just keep trucking overnight.”
“Please don’t! No one should cart while sleepy. Your commander has cleared you for taking as long as you need. Just have a nice rest along the way, okay?”
“Okay. Well, at least it’s a pleasant walk.”
“Yeah, it should be a nice change of scenery from looking at palace walls all day.”
“You know, I don’t even see the walls anymore.”
“Whoa, that’s like, crazy transcendental. You should teach a class.”
“See you tomorrow. If all goes well.”
“Stay safe out there, lieutenant.”
“Thanks, Potion Nova.”
The train line between Canterlot and Ponyville was now called the “Friendship Express”. Radish assumed Twilight had something to do with that. He exited Ponyville’s train station and trotted through town. With Twilight and her friends in Canterlot, Radish’s acquaintances in Ponyville were limited to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, whom he had no desire to see again. Twilight’s letters had described a few residents and places in town, but without her group around, Ponyville seemed to revert to a sleepy, unremarkable village. Radish passed through it and found the path to the Everfree Forest.
The path to Zecora’s had decent signage nowadays, and a billboard on the outskirts of town advertised her services and recommended the safest way to her hut. He walked cautiously through the Everfree, keeping watch on the ground at his hooves and the branches above his head. On the plains, most hazardous creatures were small and cryptic- snakes, scorpions, jackalopes- but in the Everfree, most things that could harm a pony were large enough to swallow a pony in one bite. There were now signs informing hikers about them, though Radish thought some of the factoids about timberwolves seemed hyperbolic.
He sighted Zecora outside her hut, carefully placing round-bottom flasks into rows inside straw-packed boxes, then putting the boxes in a wooden crate inside a cart.
“Howdy, Zecora.”
“Welcome back, Radish Root. Thanks for taking on this route.”
“Not a problem. I’m glad the partnership with the Potion Bureau is going well.”
“These medicines are quite unusual. I hope you’re not expecting trouble?”
“Why? What do they cure?”
“A bolstering inoculation, to protect oneself from radiation.”
“What? I haven’t been informed of anything related to radiation danger!”
“Perhaps it’s just to be prepared, so that the populace isn’t scared?”
“Well, it might not be my business anyway. I’m just a lieutenant. I don’t get informed of everything.”
“You seem troubled, lieutenant. Is it the palace’s new tenant?”
“So you’ve heard, huh?”
“Ponykind does love their gossip. It flows out of them like a faucet.”
“Do you know anything about the Far Eastern Edgelands?”
“Even in my old home land, the distance there was quite grand. Far beyond our pleasant shores, just heaths and tundra, steppes and moors.”
“Anycreature live there?”
“Information is hard to come by. Do you think his tale’s a lie?”
“It’s… I guess I shouldn’t even be prying. Luna’s even warned me off it.”
“Lieutenant, do you know… why you cannot let it go?”
“Still stuck on Celestia, I guess. I mean, she still stuck on me, too,” he said, looking at his armored flanks.
“I seem to recall giving advice. Did you not find it wise?”
“I know. Get a girlfriend. I keep hearing that. I’m just not good at that kind of thing.”
“If at first you don’t succeed…”
“What do you think of me and Fluttershy?”
“…I, uh, don’t think she is who you need.”
“I know- a girl who’s outside of the palace circles. That’s what Spats said.”
“Have a nice walk home, friend Radish. Things won’t always be so, uh, baddish.”
“Thanks.”
Radish pulled the cart out of the Everfree, through Ponyville’s main thoroughfare. Traffic was light- there were only a few other carts on the road, hauling flowers, crops and garbage.
Radish walked out of town onto the road to Canterlot. It was scenic, at least. He walked for a few hours, running through every trick he knew to keep his attention on alert for extended periods of time. His focus started to wane in spite of his techniques, so he ate a jalapeño chew. The pain sharpened his attention on the road ahead.
He passed a few others coming from the opposite way, and a few ponies passed him from behind. After about seven hours on the road, a lone yellow unicorn trotted up from behind to keep pace with him.
“Hey there, stranger,” he said.
“Hey.”
“Trucking to Canterlot?”
“That’s right.”
“Mind if I walk with you?”
“I’m actually on royal business, so it would be best if you keep some distance.”
“Royal business! I thought royal guards didn’t work alone?”
“Sometimes they do.”
“What if somepony jumps you and steals whatever this is?”
“They’d get hurt bad.”
“What if they had a whole group waiting to ambush you?”
“Like at that pass down the road over there? The one that birds flushed from a while ago? Where there’s enough room to hide about… six average-sized ponies behind the rocks? One of which’s shadow is clearly visible on the tree behind them?”
“Yeah. Just like that.”
“Wouldn’t be enough to beat a guard.”
“What if they had unicorns among them?”
“All guards are trained to handle magic-users. It’s one of the first things we learn.”
“Yeah? How?”
“That I can’t divulge. But any unicorn trying to mess with a guard might find themselves with a broken horn. I hear that’s pretty traumatic.”
“I can imagine.”
“So it’s a good thing nothing’s going to happen to me at that pass.”
“You know what? I think I’ll take your advice and keep some distance. But don’t worry, if you need me, I’ll be right behind you.”
Radish sighed. A short time later, he was at the pass where the road dipped low between rocks. He stopped in front of it. The unicorn stopped behind him. Radish whistled out a chickadee call. A titmouse call whistled from behind the rocks.
“What… are you doing?” asked the unicorn.
Radish continued on his way. He passed between large boulders. Two cuffed and unconscious ponies- a unicorn mare and a pegasus stallion, were laid out on the ground. A purple earth stallion in guard armor was standing over them.
“Hi, Lieutenant Sugarplum Dreams.”
“Hi, Lieutenant Root.”
The unicorn behind Radish stepped back.
“Who the-”’
“I lied,” said Radish. “Guards never work alone. But they’re not always together. Sometimes your partner is flying overhead, watching for trouble. Sometimes they’re a few klicks down the road, clearing your path. But you’re never alone in the Guard, especially when you’re in clear view of the palace.”
Sugarplum Dreams trotted up to the unicorn. “So, who do we have here?”
The unicorn put his aura around Sugarplum’s neck, dangled him in the air, and squeezed. Radish walked over to the unicorn and socked his lights out.
“Thanks,” said Sugarplum Dreams.
“Thanks for taking out these two. But where are the others?”
“It was just them.”
“Seriously? They thought they’d ambush a guard with just three?”
“What would they have stolen, anyway?”
“Anti-radiation potions.”
“Is the palace expecting a ton of radiation soon?”
“I hope not. Need help with these three?”
“Nah, keep going. I’ll signal for pickup,” he said, pulling out a small mirror and reflecting it toward the palace. “Where you gonna stop tonight?”
“There’s a campsite on the map two hours down. Looks posh, actually. Hot showers.”
“Flint’s? Nice place. You might actually find some palace personnel there. It’s a favorite for day trippers.”
“Might be nice to camp among friends.”
Radish pulled into the campsite and secured his cart. He showed his royal expense card to the camp employee, who gave him a receipt.
“Don’t worry about your cargo,” she said, “we’ve got extra night security.”
She pointed to a skunk in the tree overhead. It waved at Radish. He nodded to it.
He ate a meal he had packed, then used the restroom. He emerged and looked around. There were indeed a few palace staff camping there- a group of butlers were gathered around a table, playing cards. A pair of hoofponies were toasting marshmallows on their fire. A palace lawyer and an accountant had joined a game of cornhole.
"Well, howdy, Radish!"
Radish whipped around. Applejack was leaning against a thick oak tree, guitar in hoof.
“Oh! Hello, Applejack.”
“You always go campin’ in yer armor?”
“I’m on a supply run.”
“Ah. It was a nice day for it.”
“Are all of you here?”
“Naw, I’m here by my lonesome. All that fancy palace air starts to get stuffy for a farmgirl, y’know?”
“Yeah.”
“Care to jaw for a bit?”
“Well…”
“What if I made a rule that discussin’ affairs of the heart is off-limits?”
“That would be a relief.”
He sat against the tree next to her, keeping his cart in view. She plucked her guitar a bit.
“How’s the farm?” he asked.
“Doin’ jus’ fine. Bumper crop this year.”
“That’s good.”
“And yer family’s farm?”
“Red beet margaritas became a trend in the south, so beet farmers all over are doing well.”
“I’ll be. The last time apples were trendin’ was during that whole shaved apple craze. Didn’t last long.”
“I remember that. How’s the family?”
“Granny’s good. The new hip is workin’ out well. Big Macintosh is fermentin’ hot sauce now. And Apple Bloom was actually inspired by you a bit. She tried to go for a spear-throwin’ cutie mark.”
“Neat.”
“She skewered the mailbox pretty good, but no cutie mark.”
“Well, tell her I’m rooting for her.”
“Was that a pun?”
“Not intended.”
“Good.”
Applejack got a few more lines of her song out from her guitar.
“That’s nice,” Radish said.
“It’s an old song. Been in the family for ages.”
“Maybe I should pick up an instrument. I think I need a hobby.”
“We could start a band! Tour Equestria! Play to sold-out shows from here to Vanhoover!”
“Yeah. That’d be fun.”
“But seriously, you ever wanted to do somethin’ other than guardin’?”
“I read a bunch of spy novels in my teens. Sometimes I wondered if I could do that. Sneak around, uncover enemy plots, defeat evil masterminds, and rescue… ponies in need.”
“Well, you’ve got the tux now, at least.”
“Heh. Yeah.”
Radish looked up at the stars. “Do you believe in fate?”
She mis-plucked a string on the guitar.
“Oh my. That’s mighty heavy stuff for this time of night,” she said.
“Sorry. I’ve been in a mood.”
“I figure there are forces out there that are always gonna try to push or pull us. But we can always push or pull back,” she said, looking up at the Milky Way.
“Until we wrench our necks,” said Radish, rubbing his shoulders. “Then, it’s time to let go.”
“Hmm?”
“Sorry, I broke the rule.”
“Not a problem. Sounds like you realized somethin’ important.”
“Yeah.”
They sat together, listening to the sounds around them- campers laughing, fires crackling, crickets, frogs, and a Whip-poor-will. Applejack strummed her guitar gently. Radish felt his weariness catching up to him.
“I’m going to hit the showers and then hit the hay. Thank you for the song.”
“Have a good night.”
“Uh, did you… come out all this way to cheer me up?”
Applejack chuckled. “Are ya feelin’ cheered up?”
“Yeah.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“Good night, Applejack.”
“Sleep tight.”
“Thanks for getting these here safe and sound,” Potion Nova said. “I heard you had trouble?”
“Just some highwayponies. Nothing big.”
“On the main thoroughfare to Canterlot? That’s audacious.”
“Well, it’s less-traveled now that the trains have improved. They probably thought the roads are easy pickings again.”
“Not when we’ve got guards walking them! At least you can use the train for the return trip.”
“Return trip?”
“Oh, you didn’t know? It’s Zecora’s cart, after all, and she needs it back. And since I’d hate to waste a trip, I’d like you to deliver a shipment of equipment and ingredients to her.”
“Potion Nova… is the brass giving me busy work to keep me out of the palace while Halcyon is here?”
“This was all my idea. You’re the one who put me in touch with Zecora. You know the Everfree. You have a Class A Carting license. And, yeah, I know you don’t want to hang around here while he’s… spending time with Celestia.”
“I appreciate that. But I can’t dodge Halcyon forever. Guards are supposed to face problems head-on, not run from them.”
“Okay. But I was going to offer you another duty that would keep you out of his way. I was wondering if you’d like to work here as a potions test subject.”
“Guards do that?”
“Guards are the best choice for it! More body mass.”
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Oh, that’s a whole document you’d have to read and sign if you did it.”
“I’ll… consider it. When I get back from Zecora.”
“How’s she doing, by the way?”
“Great. Still rhyming.”
“Oh, before you go, I got something for you.”
She trotted up to a workbench and floated a test tube from a rack.
“Barkin’ Dogs Potion. Soothes sore hooves.”
“Thanks. My dogs are barkin’.”
He swigged it. He coughed.
“Was that alcoholic, too?”
“Radish, just about every potion here starts off with a grain alcohol base. Sometimes potato alcohol. Sometimes mezcal. ”
“Can I have more?”
“No, I have to cut you off. Have some water.”
Radish secured cargo space for Zecora’s cart on the Friendship Express, then took a seat in the rear car. He stared out the window, watching the landscape fly by. He slowly became aware of a noise coming from the opposite aisle. He turned to see a green earth mare in a gray vest and flat cap, scribbling in a notepad. She noticed him noticing her, and spit her pen into her hoof.
"Hi there, soldier!"
"Hello, miss."
She leapt to the aisle and leaned grinningly toward Radish. "Say, mind if I ask you a few questions about what's been happening in the palace lately?"
"I'm sorry, miss. I can't really answer any questions from the public."
"Ah! I'm no ordinary public!" She reached into her vest and pulled out a card with "PRESS" printed on it. "I'm a reporter for the Canterlot Tribune!"
That's even worse , thought Radish.
"I'm sorry, miss. All inquiries from the press should be directed to the Royal Communications Office."
"The thing is, the Royal Communications Office is rather tight-lipped these days. Like, say, regarding the sun blackout. Now, what the heck is a 'magical anomaly', and how did it kill the daylight for a few seconds without warning?"
"I'm sorry, miss. All inquiries from the press should be directed to the Royal Communications Office."
"And I hear Princess Luna's been under the weather. Could that have something to do with it? Did she cough so hard, it flung the sun away?"
"I'm sorry, miss-"
"-all inquiries, yada yada yada. You know, I've had more enlightening conversations with parrots."
"I'm not much of a conversationalist."
"Tell you what, take my card, and if you feel like you've got something original to say, drop on by downtown. I protect my sources' identities."
Radish took the card and shoved it in his armor's pocket without looking at it. "Thank you, miss. I'll be sure to do that."
Radish unloaded the cart off the train and pulled it to Zecora’s. He knocked on her door.
“Hi, Zecora. I’m back with your cart. And a whole bunch of other stuff.”
“Thank you, Radish, for completing this quest. You look like you’ve been refreshed.”
“Must be the Barkin’ Dogs Potion. Is there anything else I can do for you while I’m here?”
“After yet another walk, would you not like to sit and talk?”
“Okay, since I’m apparently not on the clock.”
Radish and Zecora sipped tea.
“This is good tea. And I like your home. It feels… I don’t know, safe?”
“Thank you for the compliment. I am glad that you were sent.”
“Potion Nova just thought I wanted to avoid Halcyon.”
“Do you think-”
“I have to deal with this, right? I can’t just sit around forever, hoping Celestia will suddenly change her mind about me.”
“If you want to know-”
“And she deserves happiness! She’s been leading Equestria for over a thousand years. I don’t even know if she’s been in love once that whole time. That’s so long to go without love. She should get to be with anyone she wants.”
“There is a saying-”
“It’s not her fault she’s on my cutie marks. I have no right to interfere with her life.”
Zecora sipped her tea.
“Thanks, Zecora. You’ve been a big help.”
“You are welcome, Radish Root. I’m glad our chat has borne you fruit.”
“You got any Barkin’ Dogs Potion?”
“Sadly, my bourbon stores are dry, and so is my gin, rum, and rye.”
Radish left the Everfree Forest and took the next train out of Ponyille. He watched Canterlot slowly growing closer from his window seat.
A family with a small filly rode in the same car. The filly stared at Radish while her parents talked.
“A living fossil, he is!” said the mother. “Why, I’d wager he’s the most important visitor this country has seen since its inception!”
Radish sighed and leaned back. The mother caught sight of her filly staring at Radish.
“Well, I’ll be! A royal guard! Hello, there, mister!”
“Hello, ma’am.”
“Say, you must have the dish on this Halcyon fellow!”
"Is it true what they say about him and the princess?” asked her husband.
“What do they say?” Radish asked.
“That he's come to court her!” said the wife. “Oh, imagine the wedding!”
Radish imagined it, then stopped imagining it.
“I can’t speak for their plans, ma’am.”
“And can you imagine the kids they’ll have?” she asked.
Radish tried. He didn’t have the imagination necessary. But he did hit a realization.
“Well… those kids would have the most wonderful pony on Earth for a mother.”
“And it would be your job to protect them!” she said.
“Yes… yes, it would be. My duty. Protecting Celestia’s children. Protecting… the royal family.”
Radish had never considered that there would ever be a royal family. The idea seemed rather foreign in Equestria. Celestia did have family, of sorts- her adopted niece Mi Amore Cadenza, who had been studying abroad for the past few years, and her nephew Blueblood, who kept to his villa and his yachts.
But a real royal family? Celestia, her husband, and their children, living together and loving each other in the palace? Who could ever imagine it would come to that?
Radish realized that he would be guarding it all. Guarding their family meals, their birthdays, and Hearth’s Warmings. Standing watch over the nursery where they played. Chaperoning the little tykes as they went out in costume on Nightmare Night. Radish felt the responsibility, hypothetical as it was, pressing down on his shoulders.
“I hope you’re up for it! Looking after kids isn’t easy,” said the father.
Radish looked at the filly, who was still staring at him. He sat up straight.
“Know what else won’t be easy? Messing with Celestia’s kids while I’m around.”
The train pulled in as night fell. The moon seemed to rise a bit slower than usual. As Radish entered the palace front commons, crashes and flashes burst over his head. He looked up.
“Oh… wow.”
Fireworks filled the skies over Canterlot. Radish had never seen ones so intricate, bright, and beautiful. Shoofly walked up to him and watched them with him.
“That’s nice,” she said.
“Yeah.”
“Oh! Look!”
In the sky was a new shape: the signature of the unicorn casting the fireworks. It was a spinning orange sun- Celestia’s cutie mark.
“Wow, the old lady is really putting on a show tonight,” she said.
“Yeah. Do you know what the occasion is?”
“Yeah...” she said, turning to Radish, “it's to commemorate the debut of our, uh, distinguished guest. The palace put out a press release about Halcyon while you were gone.”
"What did it say?"
"Stuff about his people and his journey here. Nothing about him and Celestia. But word among the staff is that we may be getting close to that. Sorry."
“Don't be. Celestia can be with whoever she wants. I just want her… to be happy.”
“That sounded convincing.”
“I think I just convinced myself.”
“So, end of an era for you?”
“Let’s hope so.”
“Wanna hit the town sometime? I can be your wingpony. I know all the singles bars- I bet the girls in this burg will throw themselves at you.”
“You know what? I’d like that.”
Radish walked the back halls of the palace on his way to his bunk. Shining Armor appeared around a corner as he approached, as if he had been waiting for him.
“Sir,” said Radish, saluting. “The supply runs are complete.”
“Good. Those potions are the first step in getting Halcyon’s people to a better status quo.”
“Oh, they’re for his people? They’re suffering from radiation?”
“Radioactive dust storms are just one of the many disasters that’s befallen the Edgelands.”
“That’s awful. But at the speed these potions have to be moved, I don't know how we'd get them across the sea."
"Logistics is on top of it, Root."
"Yes, sir.”
“I heard there was trouble on the road in.”
“Three stickup ponies. Sugarplum Dreams acted heroically. I’ll have my report soon.”
"What was your read on their demeanor?"
"Demeanor? Uh, well, overconfident, I suppose?"
“That’s troubling. If criminals are getting it in their heads that royal guards are easy pickings, we may have an image issue.”
“Sir, I’m sure they were just too foolish to be afraid of the Royal Guard. Ponies with sense know better than to mess with us.”
“So, you don’t think the public sees AG1 as the real heroes, and the Royal Guard as a joke?”
“No, sir! I’m sure whatever Twilight knows about heroism she learned by growing up with you as a role model.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. “Root, sometimes I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic, or if you actually believe the smoke you blow up my chimney.”
“I meant that one, sir.”
“Right. By the way, you’ll be guarding the galleries the rest of this week… unless you’ve agreed to test potions.”
“Sir… testing potions sounds fun, but I have a job to do as a guard.”
“Even though Princess Celestia and Halcyon will be touring the galleries?”
“That doesn’t bother me.”
“Sounds like you mean that one, too.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Fine. Check the duty roster for details.”
“Yes, sir. And sir, on a personal note- I’d never want to stand in the way of Princess Celestia’s happiness.”
“You know, when I first became Captain, there were rumors that Celestia and I were secretly lovers.”
"Really?"
“But she’s always been more like family to me. And you always want what’s best for family. But sometimes you don't know what’s best for family- that’s where trust comes in. And trust is as important for guards as it is for family.”
“I trust her. And you can trust me, sir.”
“Good to know.”
Shining Armor started to walk away.
“Oh, sir?”
“Yes?”
“Was that family on the train planted there for me?”
“What are you talking about? What family?”
“Nothing, sir. My mistake.”
Spats waved Radish over as he came out of the bunk shower room.
“Radical, you missed dinner. I saved you something.”
“Thanks, Spats.”
They took seats at a table in their common room. Radish unwrapped the caprese sandwich Spats brought him.
“Ever miss home cooking?” asked Spats.
“Sometimes. But I was a Ranger for years before this. I did a lot of cooking on campfires between here and home.”
“Ever miss those days? Sleeping under wide open skies without nine other guys snoring in your ear sounds nice.”
“That was nice, all right. But I don’t mind the company nowadays.”
“How’s sword training?”
“Almost ready for my final. It’ll be nice to have a solid weapon on my hip.”
“Not a fan of the Royal Easy-Carry Retractable Lancing System?”
“Half the time the extending mechanism gets stuck, and the other half I can’t push it closed.”
“How were you armed as a Ranger?”
“Most Rangers carry a big ol’ boot knife and a crossbow. But our treaty with the buffalo said I couldn’t carry weapons on their land. They let me keep my penknife, and a couple of times, I’d turn my bandana into a sling and whip rocks at a cactus cat that was getting too close.”
Radish took a bite of his sandwich.
“We never talk about you, Spats. Where are you from?”
“San Franciscolt. Ma owned a hat shop. Dad, uh, ran a numbers racket.”
“Really?”
“Never got caught. Did get jumped, though.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“He lived. Gave up the game after that, and took up guitar. Played requests and little ditties of his own in bars.”
“You play anything?”
“Oh yeah. Sax. Didn’t bring it to the palace, though. I’m probably rusty these days.”
“How’d you end up in the Guard?”
“Well, I’d have to begin that story when I got these.”
He pointed to his cutie mark, a piece of white material with a line of black buttons.
“I, uh, was never sure what that was supposed to be,” admitted Radish.
“It’s called a ‘spatterdash’, just like me. You put them over nice shoes to protect them from dirt.”
“Oh. I guess I’ve never had shoes that nice.”
“I was always one for looking snazzy. I always assumed my mark would be something fashion-related. Then one day, my family was vacationing in the lake country, and my sister nearly fell off a dock. I grabbed her just in time. It was the first time I used my magic to lift anything that heavy. That’s when these appeared.
“See, she had on a brand new dress that would have been ruined. At first, I thought this meant my destiny was to help others keep themselves neat and tidy. But on the long cart ride home, I thought more about it. It hit me that she could have drowned. I realized that saving my sister from drowning was a lot more important than saving her dress from getting muddy. I realized my marks were more symbolic than I thought- I’m meant to protect delicate things from getting hurt.”
“Is that why you wanted to become a guard?”
“Actually, that’s why I wanted to become a lawyer. So I could help out the little guys when they’re about to be thrown into the deep end. I’d been interested in how the law works ever since I was a kid, probably ‘cause my old man was so good at skirting it.
“I saw a lot of folks in the neighborhood get a raw deal in courts through no fault of their own. I was so used to seeing the law being biased, corrupted, and useless, that I grew up thinking it was like that everywhere. I figured even PC must be like that.
“But one day, a tropical storm was bearing down on the town. Not pegasus-made, it was some freak thing. To this day we don’t know what caused it. It was looking bad. We didn’t have the infrastructure to withstand it, the transportation to escape it, or the supplies to survive it. But wouldn’t you know it, Princess Celestia herself came to our aid. She stood right on the coast and shoved the storm back with her magic. It was incredible.
“But she didn’t come alone. Her guards were cutting up the storm, redirecting the floodwaters, and evacuating the buildings. One of them pulled a friend of mine out of a whirlpool.
“And when all was said and done, they had saved every single life. PC had nearly died facing down that storm. That’s the day I realized that not all ponies in power were corrupt. There were good ones. And they were here.
“I went to the nearest recruiter and signed up. They’ve been putting me through law school on the side. I want to go back to my old block and help the kinds of ponies who get raw deals from the law. Until I can protect others as a lawyer, I can protect them as a guard. And I’ll look snazzy doing either.”
Radish chewed on his sandwich and Spats’s words. He frowned.
“Dammit, Spats.”
“What?”
“You know why I joined the Guard. I was just hoping to… you know.”
“Yeah.”
“I came here for a totally selfish, unrealistic, and stupid reason. But you, and I bet everypony else, came here for real reasons. You all wanted to help others, to make something of yourselves. You all must see me as a damn clown.”
“Radical, no one here judges you. If any one of us had your marks, we’d be trying to fulfill them, too.”
“Spats… I need a real reason to be here. I need something to tell people when they ask why I became a guard. I don’t have a story like you. All I ever wanted was Celestia.”
“There’s got to be something else you’re sticking around for.”
“Well… the Discord crisis showed me that there are enemies out there that I never could have imagined. Someone has to stop enemies like that.”
“Someone like you?”
“Someone exactly like me. Thanks, Spats.”
“Not a problem, Radical.”
“Could you stop calling me ‘Radical’?”
“Not a fan?”
“Not really.”
"Noted." Spats looked at the clock on the wall. "Ah, it's almost lights out."
"Then we should hit the hay. We've got guarding to do."
The Only Mark That Matters
36. The Suitor, Part 4: Marked Improvement
Radish Root took to his hind legs and held his practice sword in his outstretched hoof. He advanced on Saguaro Shade, warily.
“Root, you’re a bit slow today.”
“Slow, sir? Or cautious? I ain’t gonna be caught off-guard by you again.”
They clashed and locked their swords. Radish carefully backed out of his corporal’s reach.
“That’s all well and good, but you’re passing up openings to strike.”
“I know those are false openings meant to draw me in.”
“Yeah? Then when are you going to make one of your own?”
Radish narrowed his eyes and thrust forth. Saguaro Shade quickly struck his hoof, neck, torso, buttocks, and hind legs with his baton. Radish fell back.
“Something on your mind, Root?” Saguaro Shade asked, helping him up. “Or maybe too little on your mind?”
“I’m just feeling… unfocused.”
“Because you dropped Celestia from your brain and put nothing there in her place?”
“Am I that much of an open book, sir?”
“More like a compass without a north.”
“Any suggestion what to point myself at?”
“Root, what are your ambitions here outside of Celestia? And don’t say Luna.”
“Sir…”
“Do you want to be captain someday?”
“I imagined I’d have to wait my turn behind the commander and you, and a hundred other guards.”
“What, then?”
“I’d like to be the Royal Spymaster someday.”
“Root, there ain’t no Royal Spymaster.”
“Isn’t that what a Royal Spymaster would want everyone to think?”
“You got me there, Root. But I’ve been in this castle a good long time, and nopony’s seen nor heard of any spymasters, and Celestia soundly denies such a thing.”
“Well, if there ain’t one, I could become the first. Protect Equestria from the shadows.”
“That’s hardly in keeping with the dominant paradigm around here. Guards put on bright, shiny armor with a nice big star for a reason. Good guys don’t skulk- they shine.”
“Sir, you know as well as I do the value of a good skulk. Almost every animal out on the plains has cryptic coloration, whether it’s hunting, being hunted, or guarding its kin.”
“You wanna be Celestia’s snake in the grass? Far cry from what you first came here to be for her.”
“But it’s better, right?”
“I suppose. I’m glad you have some kind of goal, at least. But if you want sword clearance, you need more than a goal. You’ll need reflexes.”
Radish readied his baton. “En garde, sir.”
“We, uh, don’t really say that around here.”
Radish stood sentry over a large room in the palace’s east art gallery. This room held a number of abstract paintings and sculptures from some of Equestria’s most celebrated modernists.
As Shining had said, Celestia was showing Halcyon the galleries today. Although Celestia rarely shied away from her adoring public, the tourists had been barred entry so that she and her guest could enjoy the art without crowds. Only Celestia, Halcyon, Radish, and another guard, a burly unicorn mare named Claymora, were in the room now.
“What exquisite craft!” said Halcyon. “We have nothing that compares in my homeland.”
“Many of these pieces wouldn’t have been possible without collaboration- schools of thought and design workshops, sharing ideas and spreading techniques,” Celestia noted.
“Another way the lack of friendship has left my people bereft! Imagine the beauty they will create once they understand it.”
He turned to see Radish.
“Ah! Radish Root! It is pleasant to see you again!”
“Good morning, Halcyon. Good morning, your highness.”
“Good morning, lieutenants,” Celestia said pleasantly.
"I understand you valiantly defended my people's potions yesterday,” said Halcyon. “I am in your debt."
"Oh, it was a team effort, sir. I barely did anything."
"My people believe that modesty is a form of dishonesty. If you do not sing your own praises, who will?"
“Actually,” said Celestia, “we always make sure to reward meritorious service around here. Lieutenant Root will be receiving a medal for his actions.”
“Oh!” said Radish. “I’m honored.”
“You should be!” said Halcyon, leaning over Radish, “I was exposed to the radiation like the rest of my people. Thanks to your hard work, I am feeling more vigorous than ever before!”
“Glad to hear it, sir. Guards are here to help.”
“Then perhaps you can help me interpret these works of art! Tell me, Radish Root, what does this piece mean to you?”
He was indicating a large canvas that dominated one of the free-standing walls that divided the room. It had been painted entirely sky blue except for one stray black mark in the upper-right corner.
“Untitled #17 by Frosty Dawn? She never said, but the tour guides say it represents-”
“I am asking for your opinion.”
“It’s a bug, sir.”
Both Halcyon and Celestia seemed surprised by this.
“A bug, you say?” asked Halcyon.
“I think it’s a clear blue sky, and that black thing is a dragonfly zooming past the corner of your eye.”
“Is this true, Princess Celestia?” Halcyon asked.
“Radish, that’s a bit… physical for Frosty Dawn,” said Celestia. “Most of her pieces explored her emotional states.”
“Forgive me, ma’am. I don’t have much of a head for art.”
“Fear not, Radish Root. This is all dizzying to myself, as well,” said Halcyon. “I look forward to learning about all of these.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Celestia continued the tour and led Halcyon out of the room.
Claymora looked at Radish. “I don’t think that guy likes you.”
“He’s from a land without friendship. He’s trying.”
“Trying to embarrass you in front of the princess. And it worked.”
“Hey!”
“Sorry. But none of these are about bugs. Nopony makes art about bugs.”
Radish stared at Untitled #17 .
“That’s a bug.”
Radish hunched over a book on art history in the palace library. He found the page he was looking for.
“Oh. I guess it’s not a bug.”
“Hi, Radish!” said Spike in a hushed, library-appropriate tone.
Radish looked up to see Spike clambering into the chair next to him with a thick graphic novel.
“Howdy, Spike. Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Yeah, I couldn’t make the dinner party. I’m attending to Princess Luna while she’s not feeling well.”
“Is it serious?”
“She keeps getting migraines. They’re bad enough to keep her in bed.”
“What have the doctors said?”
“That her test results are for her eyes only.”
“Well, that’s true. When did it start?”
“Uh… about four days ago.”
“So, around when Halcyon showed up?”
“I guess. Say, do you think he has something to do with it?”
“I don’t see how,” Radish said, considering it.
“Maybe Princess Luna is in love with him, and it’s paining her to see him spend so much time with Princess Celestia!”
“Spike, that’s a little… melodramatic.”
“Or… maybe she’s getting migraines because Halcyon got her pregnant!”
Radish cringed and looked around the library. No one was in earshot.
“Spike! You’re too young to be talking about stuff like that!”
“Hey, how old were you when you got… you know?” he said, gesturing to Radish’s side.
“You know about that?”
He shrugged.
“It’s Equestria’s worst-kept secret. Can I see it?”
“No.”
“Aww. Come on.”
“No! You’re too young. And isn’t Celestia like a mother to you?”
“They’re that bad, huh?”
“Look, could you get a message to Princess Luna for me? Just tell her I said, ‘get well soon’ and… ‘thanks for the advice’.”
“Okay.”
Spike returned to his graphic novel. Radish stared at him. Spike looked up.
“Well, I’m not going to do it now. I’m on break.”
“Spike! There you are! I need your help!” said Twilight Sparkle, trotting up to them. “I’ve hit upon some new ideas about rebuilding Halcyon’s civilization. I need you to copy scrolls from the social studies archives for distribution. We should start with fifty copies each.”
“I’d love to help you, Twilight, but Princess Luna needs me, and I’ve got to deliver her a message from Radish! See ya!”
He hopped off his chair and scampered away. Twilight watched him leave, then looked at Radish.
“Hello, Radish.”
“Hi, Twi. How’s it going?”
“Bad. I’ve barely begun my studies into friendship, and now I have to use what I know to save an entire people from ruin!”
“It’s not like you have to do it all alone. I mean, a project like this could take centuries.”
“Centuries!?” she exclaimed, loudly enough to be shushed by the librarian.
“Well, yeah. Maretonia wasn’t built in a day. And I guess Halcyon’s land wasn’t, either.”
“Or maybe it was. That’s another thing I’d love to ask Halcyon about, if Princess Celestia ever stops monopolizing his time.”
“Monopolizing his time?”
“It means taking up most of it.”
“I know what it means. I thought you’d all be working closely with him.”
“Not yet. Princess Celestia has been doling out assignments to us while she’s been teaching him about Equestria.”
“What kind of assignments?”
“Writing up friendship lessons and preparing aid packages, mostly. Rainbow Dash is coming up with lessons on healthy competition. Applejack is looking for crop varieties that can grow in the edgelands. Pinkie Pie is… actually, I’m not sure what she’s doing.”
Twilight noticed his book. “Oh, wow! Stray Cat’s Guide to Modernism, Post-Modernism and Post-Post-Modernism ! I had no idea you were into abstract art!”
“I’m not. That’s why I’m reading it.”
“Learn anything interesting?”
“Well, Frosty Dawn’s Untitled #17 isn’t a bug.”
“Who said it was a bug?”
“Never mind.”
“Hey, Shining is acting kind of upset about something. Do you know what’s going on?”
“I’m not sure what I’m allowed to tell you, Twilight. What’s your clearance level?”
“Five.”
“What? That’s one of the highest!”
“All six of us have been Fives since Nightmare Moon. Spike, too.”
“I’m a One, you know.”
“You’ll get there someday. So what’s going on with Shining?”
“He’s worried about the public’s perception of the Guard.”
“Why? Everypony loves the Royal Guard.”
“But do they fear us?”
“Of course not!”
Radish frowned.
“What?” she asked. “You want to be feared?”
“Yes. I want ponies to quake in fear as I approach and sigh in relief as I go.”
Twilight laughed loud enough to get another shush from the librarian. Radish scowled.
“Radish,” she said more quietly, “scary ponies don’t study modern art in the library. They get into bar brawls and back alley fracases.”
Radish closed the book and looked at its cover.
“Huh.”
“What?”
“I’ve been thinking about finding a hobby, but I might already have one. And it’s not for the faint of heart. I used to wrestle competitively with the Black Bluffs.”
“Really? Weren’t they five times your size?”
“Four times, Twilight. And yeah, they beat me all the time. But a whetstone still sharpens a blade, even though the blade will never cut through it.”
“Ooh! Was that an ancient martial saying?”
“No, I just came up with it.”
“I’m going to write that down,” she said, producing a quill and parchment, “I love hearing these bits of barracks wisdom.”
“The point is, off-duty guards have wrestling matches in the training gym. I could wrestle again!”
“Radish, you could get hurt.”
“Now, why did you say that, instead of, ‘Radish, you could hurt someone’?”
“Oh, uh… you’re right. You could hurt someone. You’re such a big, strong guy, you might accidentally snap the necks of everyone you fight.”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
He checked the clock on the wall.
“Well, my break’s over. I’ve got to go guard some abstract depictions of post-pastoral alienation as seen through mid-century Califoalnian cityscapes.”
“We don’t have any paintings like that here.”
Radish checked the book again.
“Oh. Dang it.”
After finishing his duties for the day, Radish entered the palace gym. He found two guards already wrestling across a large square mat. He trotted up to the organizer watching them.
“Hey, can I sign up for matches?”
“Sure. Right now it’s just informal matches between whoever wants to go, but we’ll be starting a full tournament soon.”
“Is there a prize?”
“Yep. A gift certificate to that pizza place down the street.”
“I’m in.”
“The sheet’s over there,” he said, pointing to a clipboard on the wall. “You know the rules? It’s Canterbury Style, Variant Two.”
“Yeah, I know the rules.”
“You have the gear?”
“Right here in my bag.”
“You ever wrestle before?”
Radish showed him a stitched cloth patch. “I got this from the Black Bluff buffalo. It’s a wrestling trophy.”
“You wrestled buffalo? Aren’t they three times your size?”
“Fo… Yeah. That’s right.”
“What do these words say?”
“It’s Black Bluff, for ‘Marked Improvement’.”
“Nice. Get geared up.”
Radish emerged from the locker room in wrestling gear. The organizer introduced him to his opponent, a yellow, blue-maned pegasus stallion.
“Hi,” he said, extending a hoof. “Lieutenant Flash Sentry.”
“Lieutenant Radish Root,” said Radish, shaking it.
“Root? The guy with... uh, never mind."
“Yep, that's me. Tell you what- beat me, and you can see them.”
“Oh, you’re on!”
The two took their places, then circled each other. Radish eyed Flash cautiously.
Unicorns had their magic duels, and pegasi had their flight competitions, but every contact sport in Equestria developed out of earth pony traditions. Earth ponies’ primal connection to the land provided them with strength, stamina, and durability far above that of baseline pegasi and unicorns. In terms of power, Flash was at a disadvantage, and his key advantage over Radish- his wings- was nullified. Under the Variant Two ruleset by which Radish and Flash were competing, a pegasus’s wings were braced to their sides by pads.
However, wrestling is more than a contest of raw physical strength- a unicorn or pegasus with enough brains and heart could outmatch a stronger opponent, and all guards were trained to take on bigger and stronger foes. Radish had no delusions that this was going to be easy.
Flash bolted forward and went for Radish’s legs. Radish got his hooves around Flash’s midsection and grappled his opponent down. Flash wriggled out of Radish’s grip and grabbed Radish’s torso, attempting to push him onto his side. Radish re-centered his balance and pushed back hard, shoving Flash down.
Radish had Flash on his back. Flash slipped away, swooped behind him, and put him in a headlock. Radish lurched forward, throwing him. Flash landed on all fours, facing him.
He's fast. No, wait... it's more like he's frictionless.
Pegasi have electro-magical fields around their bodies which allow them to stand on clouds and manipulate the weather with their bare hooves. As a pegasus flies faster, the field grows stronger, forming a protective shield which deflects air particles to cut drag.
Flash, however, seemed to be controlling his field consciously, powering it up to full strength at any speed. He cut through the air with no resistance, and slipped out of Radish’s grasp with ease.
That must be his special talent. Good one for a guard to have. Okay, I can't get a grip on him. I'll have to work around that.
Radish rushed Flash again, a bit slower than he really could, to lure Flash into shoving him. Radish planted himself, and pushed back just enough to bait Flash into over-committing his push, then ducked and allowed Flash to trip over his body. As Flash stumbled, Radish rolled onto him.
Flash engaged his electro-magical field again and squirmed. Radish leaned his full weight on Flash's abdomen, and Flash popped out from under him like a cork from a bottle. Flash slid across the mat, but shut off his field just in time to stop himself at the edge of the ring, narrowly avoiding a ring-out. While he recovered and stood to turn, Radish hooked his hooves around Flash and slammed him into the mat.
"Oof."
The referee gave a three-count. Radish had won.
"Good match," said Flash as Radish helped him up.
"Thanks. You've got nice moves," said Radish.
"Are you entering the tournament? I'd love a rematch."
"Yeah. And since you've been a good sport..."
Radish pulled back his singlet and showed Flash his cutie mark. Flash's eyes went wide.
"Whoa."
"I know, right?"
Radish lay back in his bunk, smiling.
“Radish. You look happy,” said Spats, peeking down from the top bunk.
“I wrestled for the first time in years. I won.”
“Was there ever any doubt? You’re a stack and a half, Rad.”
“You know, I spent a lot of time working out because I thought it would impress Celestia.”
“I figured.”
“I had this fantasy where she’d see me as an adult for the first time, and she’d be taken aback at how good I looked.”
“And?”
“She wasn’t even taken a little aback.”
“Well, don’t take it personally. She still hired you.”
“Sometimes I wonder why she did.”
“She gave you the job because she knew you’d be good at it.”
“It felt more like a dare, really. Like she was giving me room to fail, and then she’d be rid of me forever.”
"Princesses don’t hire guards to fail, Rad. The hiring paperwork alone takes weeks to put through.”
“Yeah, it’d be a hassle to the administration office to get rid of me.”
“And to me, too. You’re the only one here who wipes his hooves.”
“Thanks, Spats.”
"You gonna wrestle more?”
"A lot more. I'm entering a tournament."
"Are you hoping someone will be taken aback by that?"
"No. For the first time in my life, I’m doing something that’s just for me. And no one's going to be surprised when I win the whole thing."
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The Only Mark That Matters
38. The Suitor, Part 6: Unnecessary Injuries
Radish stood on guard in a gallery room exhibiting photographs of Equestria’s roadside attractions. Celestia and Halcyon walked in, chatting about an upcoming Wonderbolt derby. Radish chewed the inside of his cheek as they neared.
“Radish Root,” said Halcyon, seriously. “I am glad to see you again. I beg your forgiveness for my behavior yesterday. I am ashamed of myself.”
“Don’t worry about it, sir. I’m sorry, as well.”
“Thank you, that is a relief.”
“What’s this, now? What did you two get up to yesterday?” Celestia asked.
“Oh,” said Radish coolly, “it was a silly little disagreement about-”
“You,” said Halcyon.
Radish sighed.
“Me?” asked Celestia.
“I was enraged at his cutie marks. I assumed they were debasing your honor.”
“Ah, that,” said Celestia. “Don’t worry. I’ve known Radish since he was a child. He could never debase me.”
“Uh, thank you, ma’am,” said Radish, slowly.
“I am impressed by this gallery of photographic arts,” said Halcyon, gesturing at the walls. “My society had not advanced this far before the disasters. Was this a result of friendship as well?”
“Yes,” said Celestia. “There were two ponies each vying to invent a camera they could sell to the public. Only when they formed a partnership could they crack the final design together.”
“Ah, so then a friendship can be born from a competition?” Halcyon asked.
“Indeed,” said Celestia. “That’s a nice way to put it.”
“Then perhaps Radish Root and I could be good friends, after all!”
Radish winced. Celestia looked at Halcyon, concerned.
“Sir,” said Radish, “I don’t think of us as being in any kind of competition.”
“But you compete in the castle’s fighting games, do you not?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“The… oh! You mean intramural wrestling,” Radish said.
“Radish, you’re wrestling?” Celestia asked.
“Aye, ma’am.”
“Then I would like to, as well,” said Halcyon. “Radish and I will face each other in competition, and thus will become friends.”
Halcyon grinned widely. Radish kept his gaze neutral. Celestia frowned.
“Halcyon,” she said, “you are several weight classes above Radish. It would be unfair, and quite dangerous to him.”
Radish inhaled sharply. “Actually, ma’am, we’re using the Variant Two ruleset. There are no weight classes.”
“That ruleset all but invites unnecessary injuries,” said Celestia. “I’ve often considered banning it.”
“Your guards have to be prepared to take on creatures of any size,” said Radish. “Fighting outside our weight class makes us better-equipped to protect you.”
“Ah, you see, Princess Celestia?” said Halcyon. “He is prepared to fight me… for your sake. And I am, as well.”
Celestia shrugged. “If that’s what you want. Come. It’s lunchtime, and the chef has made something special for us.”
Radish finished his shift and walked through the back halls. Celestia rounded a corner in front of him.
“Come with me,” she said, and walked on. He followed her into a parlor Radish had never been in. Its walls were a rich green trimmed with dark brown wood. The furniture was similarly colored. Radish recalled from the Guard manual that this room was intended to invoke the tranquility of a forest. Radish did not feel tranquil.
“Radish, you and I haven’t yet spoken to each other about Halcyon. I want to have that conversation now.”
“Ma’am, I’m here to protect your guests, not opine on them.”
“I am not oblivious to the tension between you two. It is common knowledge, even to him, that you were my suitor- a suitor I rejected.”
Radish took a deep breath. “Ma’am, I was just a silly little kid. I’d like to move on from those days.”
“And though he hasn’t said as much, it’s obvious that Halcyon is romantically interested in me.”
“I… suppose. But you must get hopeful suitors in here all the time.”
“I don’t.”
“Really? But you’re so…”
Radish quickly shut his mouth and looked away.
“No, finish the thought, please,” Celestia said.
“You’re so amazing. I assumed you get a never-ending stream of princes and nobleponies and legendary heroes coming here asking for your hoof in marriage.”
“Have you ever seen one?”
“I, uh, guess not. I’m sorry.”
“Would you give me your honest opinion about Halcyon?”
“He’s a bit loud.”
Celestia laughed. “He comes from a very windy place. I can’t wait to see it.”
“You’re going to the Edgelands? Soon?”
“Very soon. He and I will journey to the Edgelands together, so that I may meet his people and assess their situation in person.”
“A journey like that could take a long time. Months.”
“Yes, and that excites me. It’s been eons since I’ve been on a true expedition into unknown lands. I never dreamt I would get to see the cradle of ungulate civilization, with one of its own people as my guide.”
“I’m… happy for you.”
“We will be spending many long hours together as we rebuild his civilization. And after that, I think I may like to spend even more time with him. Perhaps… many long years with him.”
Radish looked down at his boots. Celestia took a step closer to him.
“What do you think about all that?” she asked, gently.
“So you…” Radish took a deep breath and cut himself off.
“What? Ask. Please. I won’t punish you.”
“So you love him, then?”
Celestia stood tall, closing her eyes to consider her answer.
“I’ve been asking myself that very question. I don’t know. I can tell you that I feel a fondness for him that I haven’t felt for a stallion in a long, long, time. It could be the beginning of something.”
“You told me…” Radish looked aside and bit his lip.
“What did I tell you?”
“When I was a kid, you told me you’d never marry, because your responsibilities to Equestria were too great.”
“Ah, I remember. But that burden is eased now. Luna co-rules with me, while Twilight’s group sees to many important matters in my stead.”
“Oh.”
“Does that upset you?”
“What do you want me to say!?” Radish hissed through gritted teeth. “Why are you even asking me about it? We both know I never had a chance with you. Just live your life however you want.”
Celestia knelt down to his eye level.
“Radish, you and I have been getting along so well lately. I thought you were over your precocial infatuation with me. I thought we had built a friendly, professional relationship.”
“I am. We have.”
“You can’t get into arguments with every stallion who takes an interest in me.”
“That’s not what happened!”
“Radish… I really need you to move on from me. For your sake as well as mine.”
“I have. ”
“Have you, now? You don’t desire me? Even just a little bit?”
“No.”
“What if I gave you one last, desperate chance? Would you leap at it?”
“What?”
“The last time you proposed to me was when you were a colt. Have you considered proposing to me as a stallion?”
“That would be inappropriate,” he responded. “A fireable offense.”
“Let’s waive propriety for now. Try asking again.”
“No.”
“Please. I’m as curious as you are what my answer will be.”
“I know what your answer will be.”
“I don’t. Perhaps I will choose you over him.”
“Celestia… will you marry me?”
“No.”
She stood up and frowned.
“Hmm. Interesting. I’m sorry, Radish. That was unprofessional.”
“Unprofessional!? ”
“You’d be well within your rights to report me for misconduct.”
Radish narrowed his eyes and growled, “I’d be well within my rights to-!”
“Yes?”
He took a deep breath. “Will there be anything else, madam?”
“No. Dismissed.”
Spats entered his bunk’s shower room with a towel draped over his neck and a basket of toiletries in his aura. He saw Radish sitting on the sink counter holding a double-edged safety razor in his mouth.
“Radical? I mean, Radish? What are you doing?”
“Something I should have done a long time ago,” Radish said, around the razor’s long handle in his teeth.
Spats put down his basket and approached cautiously. He inhaled sharply at what he saw. Radish had applied a thick foam of shaving soap to his right cutie mark.
“Radish! No!”
“I’m done with her, Spats. I’m done with these.”
“How could you!?”
“This is long overdue. I’ll keep my flanks bare until they go bald.”
“You’re using my shave soap, Radish!? I get that from an uptown import shop for seventy bits a bar!”
“You’re right, Spats. It’s too good for her. Store brand is all she deserves.”
Radish scooted his flank under the sink faucet and washed the soap off.
“No, don’t waste it!” howled Spats as he ran forward, watching the expensive lather drain away. “Oh… Rad. What did she do to you?”
Radish applied his own canned shaving cream to his cutie mark and rubbed it in.
“I tried to move on, Spats. I really did. But she wouldn’t have it. She won’t let me drop her from my heart. So I’m dropping her from my fur.”
Radish pressed the razor against the top of the little Celestia’s head, and, with a quick downward motion, shaved it off. Spats winced.
“Radish! Stop!”
“Why?”
“Shave with the grain, not against it!”
“Fur has grain?”
“Yes, Radish,” sighed Spats. “Fur has grain. Hold still.”
Spats took the razor in his aura and washed out the fur. He held the razor to the little Celestia’s body.
“You really want to do this?” Spats asked.
“Yes.”
“Shaving off your marks is against dress code, you know.”
“So is polishing your armor with sea serpent wax.”
“I guess we’re both scofflaws, huh?”
Spats shaved off the little Celestia’s body, exposing pale pink skin underneath. He scraped away her multicolored mane and tail. Radish watched her go, and felt his body relax in places that had been clenched since he was a child.
“You okay?” Spats asked.
“Yes.”
“And the little you? Want him gone?”
“Yes. He wants to go with her.”
“Oh? Okay.”
Spats shaved the little Radish away, from his hooves to his mane, until there was nothing of the cutie mark left.
Radish closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the mirror, letting out a sigh of relief that fogged a large patch of it.
“I have to clean up these edges,” said Spats. “If I had better tools, I could do a nice bit of stallionscaping, but-”
“A big square bald patch is fine,” chuckled Radish.
Spats worked on the edges for a few minutes. Radish approved.
“Okay, one down,” said Radish. “But I’d like to do the other. I need to learn. I’m going to be doing this for the rest of my life, after all.”
Radish went to work on his other cutie mark under Spat’s guidance. Soon he had finished. Radish felt his bare skin and smiled appreciatively.
“How does it feel?” Spats asked.
“Like I just dropped a huge burden off my back. I can’t thank you enough, Spats.”
“Yes you can. You can buy me more soap.”
“Worth it.”
Another guard, Bunker Buster, entered the bathroom, also with an aura full of toiletries.
“Whoa, you got rid of them?” he asked.
“Yep,” said Radish, unable to take his eyes off his flanks.
“Shining will have your head, you know. Cutie shaving is against regs.”
“So is dyeing your tail, Bunker Buster,” retorted Spats.
“It went prematurely gray!”
“You dye it gray.”
“Yeah, fog gray, like it used to be. And it still is, as far as the captain knows. Got it?”
“Got it,” said Spats.
Radish continued to sit and admire his bare flanks. His eyes started to tear up.
“So, you’ve never done that before now?” asked Bunker Buster.
“It always seemed taboo, you know? Like they weren’t mine to lose. Like I’d be breaking cosmic law.”
He hopped off the counter and gazed at his reflection from other angles.
“But they’re my flanks. My fur. My cutie marks. They are mine to lose. And they’re out of here. If cosmic law wants them, it can chase them down the drain.”
He pulled Spats and Bunker Buster into a tight hug. “I feel so free! Is this how you guys feel all the time?”
Spats and Bunker Buster looked at each other. They shrugged.
“Yeah, Rad,” said Spats.
“We’re happy for you,” said Bunker Buster.
“So, what do normal, regular ponies who don’t have pornography on their asses do for fun around here?”
“Uh, the bowling alley’s open,” offered Spats. “It’s free for guards.”
“Sounds fun. Come on, the beers are on me.”
“Now you’re talking,” said Spats.
“I think I’m going to like the new Radish,” said Bunker Buster.
“Me, too,” said Radish. “I can’t wait to meet him.”
The Only Mark That Matters
39. The Suitor, Part 7: Never that Simple
“Well, that’s another win for Radish,” sighed Spats, adding up their bowling scores.
“Don’t feel bad, guys,” said Radish, leaning back in his chair and smiling. “Sometimes the pins just fall your way.”
“Yeah, yeah,” said Bunker Buster. “Another game?”
“Not just yet,” said Radish, scanning the palace bowling alley. “You know I’ve never been in here before? I’ve never wanted to be around this many tourists at once. And I’ve always been afraid of kids seeing my flanks.”
Bunker Buster frowned. Spats put a hoof on Radish’s shoulder. “Sorry, Rad. It never occurred to us that something as basic as a bowling alley could be so hard for someone.”
“Not anymore! Hey, what’s in there?” asked Radish, pointing to a large room off to the side.
“The games room,” answered Spats.
“I think I’m gonna go check it out. You two- just keep practicing.”
The games room had numerous token-operated games machines, including air hockey, foosball, and billiards tables. Radish found Spike standing on a stool and playing a pinball game themed around a treasure-hunting pegasus. Spike’s ball slipped between the paddles, which were decorated like hissing snakes. He let out the worst swear he knew.
“Melon farmer! ”
He turned to see if anyone had heard him.
“Oh, hi, Radish. Can you believe this thing? I think it’s rigged.”
“Wanna play some pool? My treat.”
“You bet.”
Radish dropped a token into the table, and it released the balls. Radish broke the rack and sank the seven, earning him solids. The two played back and forth.
“So, Radish. What’s it like being a guard?”
“Busy. Not a lot of privacy. But you make good friends.”
“What’s Shining like as a boss?”
“He’s a riot. This place wouldn’t be the same without him. What’s he like as a brother?”
“Competitive. Confident.”
“Yeah? Wait ‘til I face him at my sword final. I bet I’ll cut the frills off his doily.”
“Huh?”
Radish took his pool cue in one hoof and assumed a two-legged sword stance with it as his sword.
“My sword final! I’m finally gonna have a decent weapon around here!”
He thrust at the air in front of him.
“Wield it by hoof on two legs! By the mouth on four legs! Take it in your tail and swing! Parry, lock, thrust, hit!”
“Whoa.”
“The finals are open to the public, you know. You can come watch. Heck, invite the girls.”
“I dunno, they all just went back home to Ponyville.”
Radish sank the five ball. “They’ll love it! They can join the crowd in cheering for me and laughing at Shining Armor’s ineptitude!”
“You dream big, Rad.”
Radish sank the one. “Nah, dreaming big is for suckers. Live big, Spike. Don’t ever let anyone make you live small.”
“Are you okay, Rad?”
Radish sank the eight ball, winning the game. “Spike, I’m fantastic.”
“Um… excuse me?” said a soft, feminine voice.
A tall yellow earth mare had approached them. She wore an airy crop-top and had a dish of banana pudding for her cutie mark. She smiled excitedly. “I saw you bowling. You’re really good.”
Radish shrugged casually. “Well, sometimes the pins just fall your way.”
“I see you’re really good at pool, too.”
“Now, that I will take credit for. It takes a keen eye and steady hooves to make these shots.”
“Well,” she said, stepping closer and giving Radish a look up and down, “I think I’ve got a pretty keen eye. How about you show me those steady hooves?”
“What do you think, Spike? Mind letting the lady take a turn?”
Spike was already gone. He had scampered out of the games room and up to Spats and Bunker Buster.
“Guys! You’ve got to see this!”
The three of them peeked around the games room’s door frame and watched Radish playing pool with the girl. She was leaning far over the table. He was leaning over it next to her, giving her pointers about her next shot.
Shoofly walked up behind them. “Hey guys, what’s happening?”
“Shh!” said Spats. “Check it out.”
She peeked around the corner with the rest of them.
“Is that Radish? With a girl?”
Radish showed the girl how to bank the cue ball for a difficult shot.
“Wow!” the yellow mare said. “I’m guessing sports is your special talent?”
“Well, I’m a royal guard. A pool cue is basically a spear. Actually, it’s a lot more solid than our spears.”
“Ooh, a royal guard! Then, what’s your cutie mark?”
Radish leaned in and lowered his voice. “Sorry, viewings are reserved for serious offers only.”
The girl giggled. Shoofly leaned back and fanned her face.
“What?” Spats asked her. “Is that a good line?”
“Oh, yeah,” Shoofly said. “It’s got me intrigued about his cutie mark, and I’ve seen it.”
The yellow earth mare drew her face toward Radish’s. She whispered something in his ear. He whispered something back in hers. She turned away and blushed.
“Radish Root with confidence,” sighed Bunker Buster. “So much for the singles scene.”
The girl took her leave, rejoining a group of friends she came in with. Radish walked over to the group, feigning an innocent expression.
“Well, Rad?” asked Shoofly.
“Well, what?”
“Come on!” Spike said. “Don’t keep us in suspense!”
He smiled. “Her name is Bananas Foster. She lives uptown. And she’s coming to watch me in the wrestling tournament this afternoon.”
Spats punched his shoulder. “Nice, Rad! She can watch you win at a third thing today.”
“I told you the girls of this burg would throw themselves at you,” said Shoofly.
Radish leaned on his cue stick and sighed contentedly. “And it’s only been two hours.”
“Okay, the brackets are set,” said the guard tournament organizer, hanging a whiteboard on the gym wall. “It’s double-elimination. No time limits, twenty-second counts for ring-outs.”
Radish and several other ponies gathered around to see the brackets. Radish saw Halcyon’s name among the competitors- his first opponent would be Maple Bar.
Pfft. Maple Bar can take that guy.
He found his own name. He was up first, and his first opponent would be…
“Shining Armor?”
“Hey, looks like we’re the opening act, Root.”
Radish turned to see his captain in wrestling gear. The guards around him gasped, guffawed, or grit their teeth.
“Are you sure, sir? Variant Two rules might be a little… strenuous… for senior officers.”
Shining Armor snorted. “Well, I’ll try to at least provide as much of a challenge as Fluttershy.”
Radish smirked. “I’ll see you in the ring, sir.”
He entered the locker room and dressed for their bout. He went over strategies in his head.
Shining Armor was somewhat smaller than Radish. While Radish had the advantage of earth pony strength, Shining Armor would be without his main advantage- unicorns were prohibited from using their horns in a match, either to summon magic, or as a piercing weapon.
While some athletic competitions used magic-inhibiting horn rings to prohibit unicorn magic, such rings were so costly they were reserved for major sporting events, not amateur intramural competitions. Instead, Shining Armor would wear a pad enclosing his horn. It contained a potion-treated cloth layer which would emit a shriek and a flash if he tried to use his magic, immediately disqualifying him.
He wasn’t underestimating Shining Armor, though. Nopony became the captain by being a weakling. The guards had all heard rumors that Shining Armor beat a hydra into submission with his bare hooves his first year in the guard. This was one of the more tame rumors about his past.
Radish emerged from the locker room and took his place in the ring. There were a lot more ponies in the gym’s bleachers now- apparently word had spread, and a lot of the palace staff and tourists were interested in seeing the bouts. Bananas Foster was among them, sitting in the back row with her friends. She waved at Radish. He waved back.
The referee blew his whistle.
Radish and Shining Armor collided, jockeying for control. Radish twisted Shining’s shoulders down to the mat, but Shining surprised Radish by bursting out of his grip and seizing him from behind. He lifted Radish up and slammed him down on his back. Radish’s lungs emptied of air.
“Oof.”
Shining held him down. Radish tossed him off. The two stallions circled each other, analyzing each other’s motions. Shining swooped toward Radish, and Radish crouched low. Shining vaulted over Radish, seized his hind legs, and pulled them above his back, twisting them and pushing them down into a painful pretzel. Radish grit his teeth. He didn’t even know what this hold was called, but it was the worst position he’d ever been in.
Radish clawed forward, but that only increased the pressure on his legs. He tried to buck them out, but earth pony strength was useless when his limbs were tangled around each other. Shining Armor pressed harder.
Radish slammed his forehooves down and flung his full weight into Shining’s face. His body came crashing down on his captain’s. The two stallions tumbled over each other. Radish clambered to all fours. His hind legs were free, but were sore and slow to obey him.
Shining Armor tried to flank Radish and tackle him from the side. Radish dug into the mat and warded him off with a forehoof. Shining Armor seized the forehoof, bent it unnaturally, and twisted it behind Radish’s back.
Radish only knew of one way to regain control from this lock, and it would mean putting more joints through more pain.
Radish put his full strength into his aching legs and spun his body, flinging his foreleg out and hurling Shining Armor into the mat with a room-shaking slam . The crowd gasped. Shining Armor dizzily blinked his eyes.
Radish now had only one leg that wasn’t in searing pain. He dropped to pin Shining Armor with it. Shining Armor’s eyes narrowed. He sprang like a cobra, colliding with Radish mid-air.
The two landed in a grapple. Radish pressed on and forced Shining down. Shining gripped the floor and tried to dive at Radish’s rear knees.
Again with the legs. He’s trying to divide and conquer my limbs. But why do his moves seem… familiar…
Radish realized he had seen some of Shining’s moves in specialized hoof-to-hoof training.
He’s using anti-manticore moves against me! Radish felt a swell of pride. He must be really desperate. I’ve read that manual, too, captain. And I know moves that aren’t written down anywhere.
Radish backed out of Shining’s range. He took a position at the other end of the ring, pawed the ground, and charged. Shining Armor easily dodged him, just as Radish knew he would.
Shining leapt onto Radish’s back and clutched his face, just as Radish knew he would. Radish leapt, twisted mid-air, and slammed Shining Armor head-first into the floor, using their momentum to scrape his face across the mat. Shining grunted in muffled pain.
Radish flipped him onto his back to pin him with his one remaining good leg. His captain caught the leg and rolled, flopping Radish to the mat. He pressed his entire weight onto Radish’s shoulders, pinning him down.
The referee counted to three and blew his whistle. The crowd rose and cheered.
Shining Armor sloughed off of Radish. Both lay on their backs, breathing hard. Shining touched his face and winced.
“Sheesh, Root. Who taught you to grind someone’s face into the ground like that?”
“A Black Bluff named Stoney.”
“You used buffalo moves on me?” He snorted. “You know I had to go through the whole anti-manticore manual to beat you?”
“I noticed. What was that last flip?”
“An anti-chimera move.”
“Huh. I haven’t trained on that one yet.”
Shining stood and helped Radish to his feet. He held up a hoof. “Good match. I had fun.”
Radish shook it. “Me too, sir.”
The crowd chatter in the room changed, filling the gym with murmurs, whispers, and gasps. They turned, and Halcyon was standing in front of them.
“Radish Root, you competed well. But does this defeat mean we will not face each other?”
“It means Root has one elimination,” said Shining Armor. “That puts him in another bracket. Both of you will have to win a few matches before you can face each other.”
“Interesting arrangement. It gives a second chance after failure.”
“Yeah, but just one. And if you want a chance at Root, you’ll have to get past me first.”
“I look forward to it. Princess Celestia speaks highly of her captain’s skills.” He loomed over Shining Armor. “Please, do not feel you have to go easy on me just because I am her guest. We engage in practice combat in my homeland as well, and we do not wear soft pads to do it.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
Radish rubbed his legs, watching Halcyon walk away. “I don’t suppose there’s a manual for fighting him, sir?”
“Life is never that simple, Root.”
Bananas Foster approached Radish.
“Hey, thanks for coming,” said Radish. “Sorry you had to come out here just to watch me lose.”
“Are you kidding? You were amazing out there!”
“Oh? Thanks.”
She stepped closer. “Hey, uh… are you allowed to leave the castle? Like, to have dinner in the city and stuff?”
“I am.”
“There’s this new restaurant downtown that everyone’s raving about. Would you-”
“Yes. Yes, I would.”
“Great! Meet me in Stirrup Park at seven?”
“I’ll be there.”
“Okay! Cool! See you there!”
She trotted off, smiling. Shining Armor cocked his eyebrows.
“Root? Did you just… make a date?”
“Aye, sir.”
“Huh.” He lowered his voice. “You know, you might want to stop by the Potions Bureau. They have free contraceptive elixirs for palace personnel.”
“Sir, it’s our first date. What kind of girl do you think she is?”
Radish stopped by the Potions Bureau.
The atrium was dark and the front desk was unattended. He peeked through a small window in the door to the main potions lab. The potions staff had taken off for the day, but the lights were still on in the Head Potionista’s office. He entered the lab and found the cabinet where the contraceptive potions were stocked. Radish put one in his bag, paused, then took two more. They clinked in his bag.
“Did you hear that?” whispered a male voice from inside the office.
“Shh!” shushed a female voice from inside.
Ooh, thought Radish, Potion Nova’s got a fella in her office after hours. Better get out before-
The office door swung open. There were five ponies inside.
“Sorry,” said Radish, backing up. “Didn’t mean to disturb your… get-together. I’m going now.”
“Wait!” called Potion Nova, skittering out of the office.
“Don’t!” admonished one of the others. It was Hallmark, the butler.
“Why? He’s perfect to bring in on this!” said Potion Nova.
Radish approached them. Aside from Potion Nova and Hallmark, Swift Sparrow, the postal pony, Onion Tartlet, the maid, and Morning Glory, the gardener, were inside. They all stared uneasily at Radish.
“Guys? This isn’t a party, is it?”
“No,” said Potion Nova. “This is more like a conspiracy. Welcome to it.”
“What’s going on?”
“We think there’s something funny about Halcyon,” said Onion Tartlet. “And I don’t mean his observational humor.”
“He’s just a foreigner,” said Radish with a shrug. “I’m sure he thinks we’re all weird, too.”
“See, I don’t think he is,” said Swift Sparrow. “We’ve had expeditions going to the Far Eastern Edgelands for decades. They’ve never encountered any locals.”
“He said his civilization fell. He’s one of the last of his kind.”
“It’s the oldest scam in the book,” said Morning Glory. “You pretend to be from someplace far away that no one knows about, so you can make up whatever you want about it. Conponies used to do it all the time for places like Zebrica, Mongoatlia, even Prance. Now that those places are better known, they have to go farther.”
“Celadon vouched for him. His expedition found him in the wastes.”
“Maybe Celadon is in on it,” said Onion Tartlet.
“Celadon’s got ten degrees and fifty years as a well-respected archeologist.”
“Consider Master Halcyon’s dialect,” said Hallmark. “Some of his pronunciations of vowels would suggest a west Fillydelphia upbringing. None of the archeologists from the expedition have such a dialect. He could not have picked it up from them.”
“Come on, you think he’s Fillydelphian? And Celestia doesn’t know the difference?”
“Radish,” started Potion Nova, “we think-”
“No. I’m done with this. If Celestia wants to shack up with some dude, that’s fine by me. You know what’s not fine? Clandestine meetings for plotting against the crowns. I won’t report this, but whatever problems you have with Halcyon, you’re better off forgetting them and moving on. I am.”
“Please, he could-”
Radish stormed out of the office. He grabbed two more contraceptive potions on the way out.
“Well, how do I look?” asked Radish, posing in front of the bunk’s bathroom mirror. He was wearing the clothes he bought for Twilight’s birthday.
“You look great,” said Spats. “What’s the game plan?”
“After dinner, I think we’ll go for a stroll along the riverwalk.”
“Classic. Well, we won’t wait up for you.”
“Hey, come on. It’s the first date. What kind of girl do you think she is?”
“This part of the city is lovely at night, isn’t it?” said Bananas Foster, walking down Canterlot’s riverwalk closely by Radish’s side.
“It must be great to live here,” said Radish, taking in the view of Uptown’s spires. The lights of the district were soft and warm.
“I was thinking it must be amazing to live in the palace.”
“Usually, it is,” sighed Radish. “But lately, it’s been feeling a little… much.”
“Come on, I want to show you something.”
She led Radish to a small stone bridge over a bend in the river.
“This is my favorite part of the river. It’s so dark and quiet. Most ponies would find it unnerving, but I think it’s peaceful.”
Radish looked around. The bridge was well-secluded, owing to thick and ancient magnolias surrounding this part of the riverwalk. They were in bloom, and their flowers were sweetly fragrant. The river here was slow and silent.
“You’re right. It’s really nice. Thanks for sharing it with me.”
She sidled up close to Radish.
“I’m really glad you came out here with me tonight.”
“Likewise.”
"I've been so lonely lately…”
“Me, too…”
“...ever since you got my boyfriend arrested."
“Boyfriend!?”
“Yes. The unicorn you punched out on the road to Canterlot.”
“The stickup pony!?”
“Mmm hmm. He wanted me to give you this.”
She pulled a dagger from her mane and thrust it at Radish’s heart.
Radish caught her hoof in his teeth and bit down, twisting the dagger from her grip. It clattered to the bridge’s stones and he kicked it away. She raised her other hoof to punch him in the face. He bit down harder. She cried out from the pain and buckled to the ground.
Radish spit out her hoof. She cradled it and started laughing.
“You don’t know the trouble you’re in, lieutenant!”
“You’re under arrest.”
She sprang from the ground and bucked him in the face with both rear legs. He skidded back. She made a leaping dive for the knife. Radish bit down onto her tail and yanked her back, flipping her over his head and slamming her into the bridge. She moaned and passed out.
He sighed. “So that’s what kind of girl you are.”
The Only Mark That Matters
40. The Suitor, Part 8: Coffee and Pie
Radish sat slumped on a bench in a City Watch station, watching his captain talk to a sergeant of the Watch. They glanced over at him unhappily several times during the conversation. Finally, the sergeant returned to his office and Shining Armor approached Radish.
"You okay, Root?"
"I'm fine, sir. What's going to happen now?"
"We're letting the Watch handle this, quietly. They've been after Puddin' Tame for a long time."
"Puddin' Tame?"
"That's her name."
"Oh. I should have known that was a lie, too."
“She’s part of a gang of crooks who have been running petty crimes and scams in Canterlot for years. Looks like they’ve recently built up enough confidence to take on bigger scores. They’re the ones who tried to jack your shipment. I guess they took it personally that you stopped them.”
"How many more are out there?"
"The Watch doesn’t know, but probably a lot."
"And I'm in their crosshairs."
"The Royal Guard doesn't take attempted murder on one of their own lying down. Commander Barrel Roller has asked to handle this personally. She says she'll bust up the whole gang like gangbusters."
"I don't want her to put herself in danger on my account."
"Root, she lives for a good fight. And she hasn't been in once since she took a desk job."
“What’s a good fight these days?”
Shining sat down next to him.
"You've never had somepony try to kill you, have you?"
"Not... quite like that."
"It's different from some wild animal or magical creature, isn't it? It's personal. Changes how you look at ponies."
"Yeah..."
"My first time was as a cadet. I was on a royal cargo train when a band of prairie pirates attacked."
"I've never heard of that. What happened?"
"They boarded us, and we fought. But during the fight, I noticed the pirates' leader breaking away from the fray. I chased after him. It turns out there was a VIP onboard traveling undercover. Somehow her identity got leaked, and the brigands saw her as an easy kidnapping target. And with everyone occupied repelling the boarders, I was the only one who could stop the boss from getting to her."
"I'm guessing you beat him easy."
"Hardly. He was hopped up on some black market potion. It made him insanely strong. He punched right through my best shield spell."
"What'd you do, then?"
"I cast my spell again. He broke it again. I cast it again, he broke it again, and so on. We were at an impasse, but I was clearly going to wear out before he would. I'll never forget the look in his eyes as he readied what he thought would be the killing blow. It was pure, cold, malice, aimed at my very life."
"But the killing blow didn't come."
"By then, the rest of my unit had finished mopping up the bandits, and came rushing to my aid. The pirate leader surrendered. I got a medal, promotion, yada yada. But the real reward was the grateful look on the VIP's face. That’s the look I choose to carry with me. That overrides the pirate leader's hateful eyes, every time."
“I didn’t save anyone. I don’t get a memory of a grateful look to carry out of this.”
“Do you know why I got called away before the dinner party? Someone tried to break into the palace’s supply depot that night. Lieutenant Zero repelled them, but got a black eye for his trouble. I’m guessing it was this same gang.”
“They’re probing the palace’s defenses. Testing the Royal Guard. They could be plotting something big.”
“That’s my read, too. But tonight you took one of them down and sent them a message. You want a grateful look?” He looked Radish in the eyes. “Here.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“Have you given Corporal Shade’s advice any thought?”
“You mean therapy? I don’t know if I have the time.”
“You do now. I’m giving you the rest of the week off.”
"Did you take the rest of the week off after the pirates?"
"Yeah, because my captain ordered it, too. And I want you to lay low for the time being."
"Like, I'm grounded?"
“You're being targeted, Root. The next girl who smiles at you could get to the knife a lot quicker.”
“Oh….”
There was a clamor at the front of the station. Shining looked up.
“Ah, dang. The press is here. I need to go give a statement. Why don’t you quietly slip out the back? Just take a cab straight to the palace, okay?”
"Okay.”
“And… that VIP I mentioned? She’ll be on break from school soon, and she’ll be visiting Canterlot. I think you should meet with her.”
“Why? Is she single?”
“You know who I’m talking about, Root. Cadance is an expert on helping ponies who are going through tough things.”
“Does she know about my… whole deal?”
“No. Princess Celestia and I decided that your marks are yours to reveal- or not- on your own terms. We don’t bring them up behind your back. But I would encourage you to talk to Cadance about them.”
“I’m not going to dump that problem on Princess Cadenza while she’s on break, sir.”
“Everyone needs backup at some point, Root. Sometimes it’s your unit rushing to your rescue. Sometimes it’s just the right pony to talk to.”
“Well… okay.”
“Good.”
Shining left to deal with the press ponies. Radish walked through the station until he found what looked like a rear exit. He stepped out into a dark, humid alleyway.
Just slip out the back. Sure. Nothing bad ever happens in back alleys.
“Well, hey there.”
Radish spun around and raised a hoof in self-defense. A green earth mare in a flat cap and vest was leaning against the wall.
“I knew someone would come out the back. The real story is always trying to slip away from the press conference.” She reached out a hoof. “I’m Gazeta. I’m a reporter. And I’d love to hear your story.”
Radish lowered his hoof. “We’ve met. You gave me your card on the train.”
“Oh! The guard? You never stopped by.”
“I’ve been occupied.”
“That I can believe. You’re Radish Root, aren’t you? Talk about a chronic case of bad luck.”
Radish turned to walk away. “Have a nice night.”
“But maybe bad luck is what this town needs. You’ve put more members of the Warmbloods away in a week than the Watch has all spring.”
Radish stopped. He looked back at her. “That’s what they’re called?”
“Uh huh. Well, currently. They change their name a lot.”
“What else do you know about them?”
“You keep your ear to the street, you learn some things.”
“Have you told the Watch these things?”
“The Watch is where good intel goes to die. They ignore every lead they get from the public.”
“The Royal Guard doesn’t. Tell me what you know.”
“That could land me in hot water.”
“I can pay you.”
“In my line of work, the best currency is information.”
“I don’t have any of that.”
“No? I bet you’ve got a few beans to spill about that Halcyon guy.”
“The palace put out a press release about him. That should have all the information you need to know.”
She fished out a folded newspaper from her bag. “Yeah, I’ve seen it. Of course, the real story in any press release is what they leave out of it. And what they left out of this one is a real head-scratcher.”
“What did they leave out?”
She smiled. “Come on. We can talk about it over a cup of coffee. My treat.”
“I’ve already had one bad date tonight.”
“How about coffee and pie?”
“...fine.”
Radish and Gazeta took a corner booth in Horns and Hardcart, a spacious, 24-hour automat downtown. She put the press release on the table between them.
“All right,” she said, “look at this and tell me what’s wrong with it.”
Radish read it over. He shook his head. “Is this a punctuation thing?”
“It’s announcing Halcyon to the world, but there’s no photo of him.”
“What are you talking about? There’s one right there.”
“That’s an artist’s rendition. Photorealistic, but still a drawing. What I want to know is, why would they go through the trouble?”
Radish squinted at the image. It was the same picture of Halcyon’s face that Shining Armor projected during the briefing. As far as he could tell, it was indistinguishable from a photograph.
“Well, maybe he has a cultural thing against being photographed. Or maybe he just thinks the camera adds ten pounds.”
“Or maybe it’s because he’s not what appears to be, and you can’t fool a camera?”
She spread a series of photos across the table top. Radish frowned.
“You tried to photograph him? That wouldn’t work. Cameras don’t work in the palace outside of designated photo op zones. Anywhere else, and you just get a picture full of lens flares. It’s a spell that Celestia casts herself.”
“Yeah, all because some Ponyville kids took an embarrassing photo of her for their school newspaper. Talk about an overreaction.”
“I’m fond of the spell, myself.”
“I’m not. It means the only way to get a photo of Halcyon is to climb to a vantage outside the palace, use a long-focus lens, and try to snap a picture of him.”
“Don’t tell me you did that.”
“Of course I did. And guess what happened?”
“You felt a sense of remorse over being a voyeur?”
“I got attacked by birds. Since when does the palace employ attack swallows?”
“We don’t.”
“Well, that’s what they were. The blue kind with black wings. They swarmed me and I dropped my camera. It broke my lens and ruined the rest of my roll.”
“Black wings? That’s a northeastern species. They don’t get any closer to Canterlot than… Fillydelphia.” Radish clicked his tongue. “Did you get a photo of them?”
“No. They came out of nowhere and were gone in a flash.”
Radish looked at the photos. Gazeta had circled certain orange blurs inside certain palace windows on certain photos.
“What are these?”
“That’s Halcyon, or the best photo you can get of him from extreme range while he’s moving past a window.”
“It can’t be. Halcyon’s gold-colored. These are too orange.”
“That’s my point. He photographs differently from how he looks.”
“It’s probably bad film, a bad photographer, or a bad developer.”
“It’s none of those. And I resent that.”
“You probably just took a picture of the Quartermaster. He’s big and orange.”
“I resent that, too.” She leaned back and sighed. “You really don’t know what’s going on with Halcyon, do you?”
“No. I really don’t.” He looked down at the table. “Sorry. I have no information to trade you.”
She pulled out her notebook, wrote something down, and tore out the page.
“Here,” she said, offering it to him. “For your trouble. A list of places the Warmbloods have been gathering lately. Maybe the Guard can put it to better use than the Watch.”
“Thanks. We will.” Radish looked at a clock on the wall. “It’s getting late. Can I escort you home?”
“That’s sweet, but you’re the one being targeted. I should escort you home.”
“I don’t think anyone in the palace should see me with a reporter. In fact, why don’t we say this chat never happened?”
“If it never happened, then I’m not paying for your pie.”
“...fine.”
Radish took a cab to the palace and entered through the back. He found Princess Celestia pacing the atrium of the rear entrance. She approached him with a relieved expression.
“Radish…”
He saluted. “Your highness.”
“I heard about the attempt on your life. Are you all right?”
“I sustained no injury, your highness.”
Her head drooped as she stepped closer. “I’m sorry for how I behaved. If that had been the last time we spoke…” She grimaced and looked off to the side.
“Yes?”
“Please, forgive me. I need you to know that-”
“Radish Root! I am glad to see you safe!”
Halcyon appeared around the corner. Princess Celestia stood up straight, calmed her expression, and turned to him.
“Halcyon?” she said. “What are you doing back here?”
“I heard that Radish Root was attacked!” He looked at Radish. “It must have been a terrifying ordeal for you!”
Radish shrugged. “Oh, it wasn’t so bad. One time I got into a bar brawl in Fillydelphia- now that was terrifying.”
“Is that so?”
“Yeah,” said Radish, stepping closer to him, “a lot of unsavory types hail from Fillydelphia.”
Halcyon stared into Radish’s eyes. “I would not know.”
“Some cool birds live there, though.”
“I would not know that , either.”
“No, I guess you wouldn’t. Well, sir, madam, it’s been a long day for me. I’m going to turn in.”
“Good night, Radish,” said Celestia. “And if there’s anything you need-”
“Thank you, your highness. You’re too kind.”
Onion Tartlet heard a soft rapping at the door of her quarters. She opened it to see Radish.
“Lieutenant?”
“Miss Tartlet, is there still room for me in your conspiracy?”
She looked relieved. “Yes. We’re all getting really worried. Princess Celestia is already planning her journey to the Edgelands with Halcyon. They could be leaving as soon as next week.”
“Then we don’t have much time.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“Everyone needs backup at some point. And I think Celestia needs all of us now.”
View Online
The Only Mark That Matters
41. The Suitor, Part 9: Some Pretty Strange Secrets
Radish held his practice sword in two hooves, slowly circling Saguaro Shade.
“You sure you’re up for this, Root? I heard about your night out.”
“Don’t worry, sir. I’m seeking the help I need.”
“Glad to hear it.”
Radish clashed his baton against Saguaro Shade’s. They traded blows and blocks back and forth across the arena. Radish advanced, pressing his corporal back. Saguaro Shade thrust low, only to have his weapon swatted away. Radish brought his own weapon to Saguaro Shade’s throat.
“Well, corporal? How’s my focus today?”
“You’re finally fighting in the moment. Forcing my next move, instead of trying to predict it.”
“A fighter’s only as good as his next move.”
“I like that. Where’d you hear it?”
“I just made it up.”
“Did you also make up that tail feint?”
“It’s from the anti-chimera manual, just scaled for a pony-sized opponent.”
“That’s innovative of you, Root. I think you’re as ready as you’ll ever be for your final.”
“Thank you, sir. I’ll do you proud.”
They sheathed their batons and bowed to each other.
Radish trotted inside the palace’s photo studio, one of the locations in the castle exempt from the censorship filter spell. He found Halftone, the royal photographer, making adjustments to a boxy contraption on a workbench.
“Pardon me, sir.”
“Can this wait? I’m close to figuring out how to photograph a snowflake.”
“That’s been done.”
“After it’s melted.”
“That’s just water.”
“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?”
Radish put the paper with Halcyon’s press release down onto the workbench.
“I need to know about this.”
Halftone looked at it. His ears drooped. “So, you figured it out. Please don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. Just tell me what’s going on.”
Halftone wiped his glasses and sighed. “The day Halcyon arrived, Princess Celestia gathered a bunch of the palace staff for a meet-and-greet with him. She asked me to take his official photo. He came in here and sat for it, but… I botched it.”
“Botched it?”
“Every time I looked at him through the viewfinder, he looked off. Too bright, too dark, blurry, miscolored, you name it. I had to keep adjusting the light, the focus, everything, way more than I should have. When I developed the photos, I found I had adjusted way too much. Halcyon’s official picture came out a big orange blur.”
“Really?”
“Captain Armor wanted the photo ready for his briefing. And I couldn’t get Halcyon to sit for another- he had gone to bed. So… I faked it.”
“How?”
“Minor photo problems, I can fix on my own. But when I have a big problem, I go to Broadstrokes.”
“The royal portrait artist?”
“He can rework a photo with his magic. He was at the meet-and-greet, so he knew what Halcyon looked like- he’s a genius at memorizing faces. He agreed to make a fake photo from scratch.”
“He can just whip up a photorealistic picture?”
“Yeah, but he hates doing it. He says the more realistic a painting is, the less true-to-life it is. Whatever that means. Anyway, I submitted it to Captain Armor. They later used it for the press release. No one noticed.”
“Hmm. Then, has Halcyon ever been clearly photographed?”
“I guess not. Why? Do you think he’s a ghost or something?”
“Do ghosts not photograph clearly?”
“No. There are ghosts all over this castle, but I’ve never gotten a good picture of any of them.”
“Thank you for your time.”
Radish went to the Potion Bureau on his lunch break. The staff was out to lunch, but the Head Potionista’s office was full. Inside was the same group of conspirators, along with a new one- Katydid, the records archivist.
“Thanks for coming back,” said Potion Nova, “we think we’ve blown this Halcyon thing wide open.”
“How so?”
“Take a look at this, lieutenant,” said Katydid, giving Radish a stack of documents. “This is the sign-in log for Secure Storage.”
“Are you allowed to show us this?”
“Sure, it’s not classified. It just sits on my desk all day, where anyone can walk by and read it. But look- the day Halcyon showed up, Princess Celestia went down there, and she didn’t come back up for hours.”
Radish looked at the line she was pointing to. Celestia had signed in around noon on the day, then signed out around 3pm. Under “Reason for visit”, she wrote “study of artifacts”.
“Is that unusual?”
“Normally, if she needs something from Secure Storage, she sends a clerk to retrieve it.”
“Okay, but what does this have to do with Halcyon?”
“Well, when she came out of the archives, she was, ah… disheveled.”
“Disheveled?”
“One of the hairs in her mane was out of place.”
“That is unusual.”
“So you see where I’m going with this?”
“No.”
Katydid shifted uncomfortably on her hooves. “Well, you know what else is down there, right?”
“Uh, a ton of stuff. Even Discord’s ugly mug is there.”
“Yes. Exactly.” Katydid waited, as if expecting Radish to make a connection.
“What?”
“Lieutenant, we think Halcyon is Discord,” said Swift Sparrow.
“Discord is stone. We all saw him. If he broke free, we’d have been alerted.”
The conspirators all gave each other a look.
“What? ” asked Radish exasperatedly.
“Lieutenant… you must have heard that rumor,” said Morning Glory.
“What rumor?”
“You know, that Celestia…”
Radish waited.
“...and Discord…”
Radish waited, impatiently.
“...used to be lovers.”
Radish made a dry heave, then another. “What? That’s insane!”
“It makes sense, in a weird way,” said Potion Nova. “They’re both uniquely powerful ancient beings. They can probably relate to each other in a way they can’t with anyone else.”
“Discord tormented the royal sisters! Made Luna cry! Gave Celestia nightmares!”
“Love doesn’t have to be rational, Radish,” said Onion Tartlet. “The ‘enemies-to-lovers’ plot is hugely popular in novels, plays, movies…”
“That’s fiction! Even if it were true- which it’s not- why would Discord be Halcyon?”
“Well- and keep in mind that this is a rough draft- we think it went a little something like this,” said Morning Glory.
Hallmark took a position at one side of the room and contorted his body into the same pose as Discord’s statue. Onion Tartlet walked up to him in a regal-looking trot.
“I, Princess Celestia,” she said, “will now free you, Discord, from your stony prison!”
She dipped her head toward Hallmark as if casting a spell. Hallmark stretched out and laughed maniacally.
“Ha ha ha! Now that I, Discord, am free again, I will turn off the sun and begin my reign of chaos all over again!”
“But Discord,” cried Onion Tartlet, “I have freed you- because I love you! I cannot stand another moment without you! And I know that you love me, too!”
“Don’t be foolish, Celestia!” said Hallmark, turning away, “our love could never be! Your people will never accept it!”
“Then we will keep our love a secret! Meet in secret! Make love in secret!”
Radish held in another dry heave.
“No, dearest Celestia, I have a better idea- I will take pony form, so that we may be together, publicly! I will make myself into a stallion so handsome, no one will question why you wish to be with me. I will give myself a backstory that no one will be able to disprove! And I will present myself to a respected member of pony society and have him introduce us!”
“That is brilliant, my love! But wait, my sister Luna knows all your tricks, and will not be so easily fooled.”
“Then I will create a disturbance in the dream realm, to weaken and distract her!”
“Stop,” said Radish. “It can’t be Discord doing that. Luna confirmed it’s not chaos magic.”
“Oh?” asked Hallmark. “Drat.”
“Then I, Princess Celestia, will cause the disturbance myself!” announced Onion Tartlet. “Then we will take a long voyage together, and let her run the kingdom for a change!”
Hallmark turned back to her and got back into character. “You’d pain your own sister, just to be with me?”
“Yes- because love doesn’t have to be rational! ”
“But what of all your servants? Your staff? Your guards? Won’t they object to you throwing caution to the wind and leaving with a stranger?”
“No, for they only want me to be happy. Except…”
“Except?”
“There is a guard who is madly in love with me…”
Radish crossed his hooves and scowled.
“...and, though I do my best to deny it, deep down, I harbor feelings for him, as well!”
“Wait, what?” asked Radish.
“Shhh!” whispered Swift Sparrow. “This is where it gets good.”
“Leave him to me, my little sugar swan,” said Hallmark, grandly, “I will challenge this guard to a duel and give him a proper thrashing, thus proving myself the superior stallion!”
“And by the time he and Luna have recovered, we will have sailed away to our new lives!” cheered Onion Tartlet.
They embraced each other.
“Oh, Celestia!” cried Hallmark, “I will now restore the sunlight, so that it can shine on our love!”
“Oh, Discord!” cried Onion Tartlet, “Come, and dishevel me!”
They gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes, and drew their faces toward each other.
“And… scene!” said Potion Nova.
Onion Tartlet and Hallmark let go of each other and turned away, blushing.
“Well,” said Radish, “I think your play needs some work.”
“Like we said, it’s a rough draft,” said Morning Glory. “But it fits what we know.”
“Has anyone actually gone down there to check on the statue of Discord?”
“No one can,” said Katydid. “That’s the other thing. Princess Celestia raised the security clearance level to Five for the room he’s in.”
“Five? That’s one of the highest! You should have led with that.”
“See? Even if it’s not Discord…”
“Which it is,” insisted Onion Tartlet.
“...Celestia is still hiding something down there. And she devoted a lot of time to it the day Halcyon arrived.”
Radish mulled this over. “Well… what do you want to do about it?”
“We intend to bring more palace personnel into the fold, including the department heads, then draft a letter of concern signed by all,” said Hallmark.
“That’s your plan?”
“Well, there’s not much else we can do,” said Potion Nova. “Think you can get more guards to listen? Maybe high-ranking ones?”
“Look, maybe we can talk to Princess Luna about all this…”
Hallmark frowned. “Lieutenant, did you not hear?”
“Hear what?”
“Princess Luna’s pain has grown too much for her to bear. The doctors had to sedate her.”
“Sedate her! I’m her Champion! I should have been the first to know!”
“There’s nothing we can do for her now, except uncover the truth,” said Onion Tartlet.
Radish went to the door.
“Oh, I’m going to uncover the truth, all right. The truth won’t know what hit it.”
Radish galloped through the back halls of the palace. As he rounded a corner, he skidded to a stop to avoid bowling over two ponies. It was Maple Bar, limping down the hall, clinging to Flash Sentry for support.
“Mape? What happened?”
“Oh, hey, Rad. You missed my match with Halcyon. No prize for guessing how it went.”
“He did this to you?”
“Tell ‘em, Flash.”
“She competed very well,” said Flash Sentry. “It was an impressive display of-”
“No. Tell him the truth.”
“Halcyon folded her like a calzone, flipped her like a pancake, and slammed her like… uh… well, you get the idea.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
“Nothing’s broken.”
“What’s his fighting style like?”
“He’s weirdly fast,” said Maple Bar. “Like, you grab for him, and he’s not there. Then he’s suddenly got you. And yes, he’s as strong as he looks.”
“Don’t worry, I can take him,” said Flash.
“And then I’ll knock him out of the loser’s bracket,” said Radish.
“Love that optimism,” said Maple Bar. “Can we get to the clinic now?”
Flash helped Maple Bar along to the hospital wing. Radish ran on. He reached the base of Selenic Spire just as Spike was coming out the front door.
“Oh, hey, Radish.”
“Sorry, Spike, no time to chat. I have to see Luna.”
“There’s nothing to see. I just came from her. She’s sleeping. Well, more like a medical coma. But ‘sleeping’ sounds nicer.”
“She can’t go to sleep! The dream world is what’s hurting her!”
“The doctors gave her something that keeps her from dreaming.”
“How long are they going to keep her like that?”
“Uh… they wouldn’t tell me.”
Radish gazed up at Luna’s balcony. He chewed his lower lip.
“Spike, I need your help.”
“With what?”
“Research.”
“I’m Twilight’s research assistant, not yours. I oughta charge you.”
“I’ll give you fifty bits.”
“Actually, how about you give me a peek at that, instead?” Spike said, pointing to Radish’s armor-covered flank.
“If I show you my flanks, you’ll help me?”
“Cross my heart.”
“Okay.”
Radish lifted up his armor, revealing a shaved square of skin.
“Aw, man. What a ripoff. I should have taken the bits.”
“You promised.”
“Yeah, yeah. What can I do for you?”
“Come on. We’re going to the archives.”
Radish led Spike across the commons to the administration buildings.
“Hey, Spike? Have you ever heard of enemies becoming lov… uh, becoming a couple?”
“Were you going to say ‘lovers’ ?”
“...yes.”
“Sure. It’s a pretty popular storyline. Happens in comics all the time.”
“Hmm. What about in real life?”
“Is this about you and Twilight?”
“What? No.”
They reached the front desk of Secure Storage. Katydid had returned from lunch and was on duty.
“Katydid, I need access to the lower levels.”
She frowned. “They’re at Clearance Level Five now, remember? I can’t look the other way this time.”
“Oh, Level Five?” asked Spike, walking around Radish, “Not a problem for a Very Important Dragon like myself. I’ve been Level Five since Nightmare Moon. Hey, Katydid.”
“Oh, hi, Spike! You’ll sign for access?”
“Yep. But I’ve got to bring Radish with me as my personal bodyguard. To protect me from rats.”
“Okay. But there’s no rats down there. The snakes scare them away.” She pulled out a key embossed with a ‘5’ on its handle while Spike signed in. “Take all the time you need.”
Spike twirled the key on a talon as he led Radish down the spiral stairwell to the archives. “So, what kind of research are we doing down here?”
“First, we need to check on a rubbish heap.”
They passed through the maze of aisles until they reached the locked room with Discord’s statue in it. Spike used the key. Radish entered the room determinedly. He found what he was looking for, where he last left it.
“Discord.”
The statue of Discord stood there, unchanged, albeit dustier.
“Whoa, this is where they stuck him?” asked Spike, approaching.
“Can we be sure this is the real thing?” asked Radish. “What if he got free, and just put a fake in his place?”
Spike sniffed it. “Nah, this is the real thing. I can still smell banana cream pie on him.”
“Okay. Load off my mind.”
“Ahh… ahh… choo!” Spike cupped his claws to his snout and sneezed a burst of green fire into them. Radish hopped back to avoid it.
Spike rubbed his nose. “Ugh, it’s so dusty down here. Is this all you wanted to see?”
“No. Something else is down here. We just need to find… oh. That’s new.”
At the far end of the room, there was a tall metal door where there hadn’t been one before. Radish approached it. It had a flat metal seal across it bearing the image of Celestia in silhouette.
“I’m guessing our Level 5 key won’t get us in there,” sighed Radish. “Looks like this door can only be opened by Celestia herself.”
“Yeah,” said Spike, walking up to it. “Whatever’s in there must be pretty important.”
He leaned against the door with one claw. “Sorry, Rad, I don’t think- whoa!”
The door swung open, causing Spike to fall onto the floor.
“Guess she forgot to lock it?” he said, standing up and dusting himself off.
Radish peered into the room. Inside was nothing but darkness. He clicked on his flashlight and affixed it to his helmet. Spike snatched a torch off the wall and lit it with his breath.
Radish examined the opened door’s locking mechanism. “Celestia put some of her magic in you, didn’t she? That’s how you send scrolls on smoke, right? The door must think you’re her.”
“Or maybe it’s because I’m half Celestia!” gasped Spike. “There’s this old rumor that I’m the secret love child of Princess Celestia and the Dragon Lord. Wait, is that why you were asking about enemies becoming lovers? Is that what this is all about?”
“I’m sorry, Spike, that’s not biologically possible. And she would have told you if she was your mother.”
“I dunno,” Spike said, “princesses can keep some pretty strange secrets.”
They gingerly entered the room, casting their lights around. Radish stopped in his tracks. “No kidding.”
His flashlight illuminated a tall glass capsule. Hovering inside it was a miniaturized cumulonimbus cloud. As Radish walked up to it, his fur stood on end.
Spike’s torch shone on a thick, filthy mass of roots breaking through the ceiling and reaching to the floor. Distracted by the sight, he walked into a third object, a crystal ball on a pedestal. His light caught small, ethereal purple wisps emanating from the ball and streaming toward a fourth object in between the other three.
Radish and Spike cast their lights on it. The wisps from the crystal ball, the roots from the ceiling, and a cable from the bottom of the capsule all converged into a circular dais in the center of the room. Sticking up from the center of the dais was a long, golden spear.
Radish’s eyes went wide as he approached it. “Son of a bi-”
He looked down at Spike. Spike looked up at him. “Of a what, Radish?”
“Of a big, honkin’ spear.”
“I can see that. What are we looking at?”
“It’s Celestia’s personal spear- a Hearth’s Warming present from the palace blacksmith, Ferrum Flats, a long, long time ago.”
“Really? I never get anything cool like this for Hearth’s Warming.”
Radish peered closer. The spear was no longer a solid piece of metal, but segmented and mechanized. Next to Ferrum Flat’s maker’s mark was a new mark- the insignia of Chandler, the Royal Quartermaster.
“Looks like Celestia had it modified to make it collapsible, just like a modern Guard spear.”
“What’s the point of that?”
“Maybe so it’s more portable? Or more… concealable?”
“But what’s all this stuff it’s plugged into?”
Radish took in the whole of the assembled objects.
“Tree roots, a storm cloud, and a magic crystal.” He looked back at the spear. “It’s being powered up by earth power, pegasus weather, and unicorn magic. Celestia is charging the spear with all three of her alicorn powers. She’s making a superweapon!”
“Sheesh. For what? Or, rather, against what?”
Radish looked out the door, into the next room, where Discord’s stone form stood.
“She told me she doesn’t like to send others to fight her battles. Maybe this is her way of ensuring she’ll never have to again.”
“You’d think something like that, she’d keep in her own tower, not the archives.”
Radish put his hoof on the tree roots and closed his eyes. “Hmm. Citrus. Non-native citrus.”
He opened his eyes and gazed up at the dark ceiling. “This is the Balencian orange tree! We’re underneath Courtyard A.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve snuck in there for snacking, from time to time. Those oranges are crazy sour. If there was a fruit I’d weaponize, that would be it.”
There was a new sound outside the room- heavy hooves walking across the stone floor.
“Spike? Are you down here?” called out Celestia’s voice.
Spike and Radish looked at each other, fearfully. They both doused their lights. Spike rushed to the door and closed it, enclosing them in darkness. They both huddled with their ears against the door.
“Spike!” called Celestia, now muffled. Her hoofsteps were getting closer. They stopped in front of the door.
The door made a series of clicks and clunks. Radish scooped Spike onto his back and pressed against the wall. The door swung open, concealing Radish and Spike behind it. They both peeked around the door at Celestia as she walked into the room, her horn lighting the way bright as the sun. They shut their eyes to adjust to the new light, then cracked them open to watch her.
She walked up to the spear and put a hoof on it. She inspected the tree roots closely. She walked up to the glass cabinet, and wrapped her wings around it. Finally, she touched her horn to the crystal ball, causing it to glow.
She then walked to the side of the room and looked at a small shelf that neither Spike nor Radish had noticed. Nothing but a single scroll sat on it. She seemed satisfied that it was there. Radish and Spike hid again as she turned. She left out the door, clicking it shut and locking it behind her.
Radish and Spike reignited their lights.
“Well, that was a close one,” said Spike.
Radish walked up to the spear-charging devices. The crystal ball was now glowing with purple light, and its emanations looked more substantial. The miniature thundercloud was flashing lightning inside its case, which struck the bottom plate and flowed through the cable.
“I guess she has to recharge these things every once in a while,” said Radish.
Spike approached the shelf. He hopped up and grabbed the scroll.
“Huh.”
“What?” asked Radish, walking up to him.
“It’s a transcript of throne room proceedings… from the day Halcyon arrived!”
“Don’t court transcripts usually go into public records?”
“Yeah, but this one is marked Top Secret. Clearance Level Six! This, I’ve got to see!” said Spike.
“Spike, don’t. Stumbling into a secret room is one thing, but looking at documents above our Clearance Level is something else entirely. And by ‘something else entirely’, I mean a federal crime.”
“Who’s going to prosecute me for a federal crime? I’m just a widdle baby dwagon .”
“Spike, I’m serious. We can bend the rules, but we can’t-”
Spike unfurled the scroll. A cloud of dust wafted up from the paper into his face.
“Ahh… ahh… choo!”
He sneezed out a large green flame which enveloped the scroll, reducing it to smoke. The smoke hovered in the air for a moment, then flew away from them, slipping under the door and out of sight.
Radish seized Spike in a panic. “Spike! Where is that going!?”
“Uh… usually a scroll goes to the last place I was thinking of.”
“You just sent it into Rarity’s lips!?”
“Hey! I have interests outside of Rarity, you know!”
“Then, where’s it going ?”
“Well, your talk about bending the rules made me think of that rigged pinball game in the bowling alley, and that time I tried to tilt it.”
“What?”
“That made me think of the claw game right next to it.”
“What?”
“There was this cute stuffed seal inside. I thought it would be nice to win it for… okay, for Rarity. Happy?”
“You sent a top-secret document… into the claw game at the bowling alley… full of ponies!?”
“Uh, heh heh. Yeah. But look on the bright side- no one ever wins at those things.”
Radish bit down into his hoof to muffle his own screaming. Spike walked up to the door and opened it.
“Come on, Rad. We’re never going to get that scroll back if we stay down here.”
They made their way out of the archives, passing the statue of Discord.
Radish scowled at it. “If I find out you had something to do with this, I’m going to crush you into gravel.”
The statue did not respond.
The Only Mark That Matters
42. The Suitor, Part 10: That Kind of Power
Radish and Spike pressed their faces to the glass of the games room’s claw machine.
“Look! There it is, in the corner!” yelled Spike.
The scroll was indeed inside the machine, in a back corner, under a stuffed seal.
“Told you no one ever wins at these things,” said Spike. He rolled a quarter-bit across his knuckles, flicked it into the air, and caught it. “You go get the key. I bet I’ll have won it before you get back.”
“Just guard the machine, okay?”
Radish rushed to the front counter. A clerk was leaning on his hoof, sipping a soda, and reading a magazine.
“I need someone to open the claw game!”
The clerk glanced up. “Sorry. A separate company is in charge of those games.”
“You don’t even have a spare key!?”
“Nah. But I’ll let you in on a little secret: everything in there is cheap junk. Worth way less than the cost to win them.”
“Ugh.” He upturned his coin purse onto the counter. “Just break all these into quarter-bits.”
Radish returned to Spike, who now had the stuffed seal and several more plush dolls around his feet.
“Spike! You’re supposed to be grabbing the scroll, not toys!”
“I had to move all this other stuff out the way to get the scroll out of the dead zone. Trust me. I have a method.”
He scampered around the sides of the machine. “First, you gotta check out the angles.”
He returned to the control, and dropped in a quarter-bit. A timer started counting down from ten. “Then you gotta get the claw just right…”
He maneuvered it into position above the scroll. “Wait for it…”
The countdown timer showed two seconds left.
“Spike!”
“Then… bam!”
He slammed the button. The claw descended. It closed on the scroll. It dragged it out of the pile of toys.
Radish held his breath.
The claw swung back and forth as it went. It stopped above the chute and released. The scroll fell sideways, then wedged into the chute, stuck.
Radish slammed his head against the glass. “Oh, come on!”
“Relax, Rad. Check this out.”
Spike stuck his face into the bottom of the chute, then blew fire. It whooshed up and engulfed the scroll, turning it into smoke once again. The smoke flew out of the machine, stopped in front of Radish’s face, then popped back into a scroll again. Radish snatched it and held it tight.
“Pretty cool, huh?” said Spike, gathering up the stuffed toys. “That may have been my shortest-range delivery ever!”
Radish sat down on the carpet, and fell over on his side. He started to laugh.
“Radish?”
Radish wiped his eyes and looked at the scroll in his hooves. “Come on. Let’s see what makes this so important.”
“I thought you were worried about breaking federal law.”
“Spike, somehow this was the most stress I’ve had all week.” He pulled Spike into a headlock and gave him a noogie. “No matter what happens to me, no matter what Halcyon turns out to be, nothing could possibly be any worse than you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, thank you. Here.” Radish dropped his bag of quarter-bits into Spike’s arms. “Fifty bits, just like I offered.”
“Then, you take this.” Spike gave Radish one of the plush toys, a blue whale.
“Thanks. Wow, that clerk was right about these things.”
Radish and Spike locked themselves in a private study room in the library.
“So, want me to read this out loud?” asked Spike, hopping onto the table and opening the scroll.
“What, like you’re reading me a bedtime story?”
“It’s an advanced study technique. I do it for Twilight all the time.”
Radish cradled his stuffed whale and sat back in his chair. “Sure. Have at it.”
Spike cleared his throat and read.
“LOG #857-67.5. THURSDAY. 0900 HOURS.”
That means Celestia went down to Secure Storage hours after this , thought Radish.
“PRESIDING: PRINCESS CELESTIA. ON DUTY: CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR, COMMANDER BARREL ROLLER, CORPORAL SAGUARO SHADE.”
The senior officers were all there.
“APPEARANCES: ROYAL ARCHEOLOGICAL SOCIETY HEAD CELADON, GUEST PETITIONER HALCYON. ALSO PRESENT: ROYAL PET PHILOMENA.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: I call today’s session to order. I understand we have a very special guest from very far away.
HALCYON: Greetings, Princess Celestia. I am Halcyon.”
“Uh, Spike,” interrupted Radish, “you don’t have to do the voices.”
“Yes, I do. Now, hush.”
He returned to the scroll.
“PRINCESS CELESTA: Greetings, Halcyon. I have been told quite the tale about you. I admit, I was a bit skeptical when I heard it.
HALCYON: That is understandable. I can scarcely believe this new world I have entered into, myself. I could have never imagined what wonders awaited beyond my homeland.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: And your homeland would be?
HALCYON: It has no name like yours.
CELADON: Your highness-
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Hello, Celadon. I wasn’t expecting to see you again for years.
CELADON: I believed Halcyon was important enough to personally escort here.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: How did you meet?
CELADON: We found him in the region of the Far Eastern Edgelands our cartographers designate “FC-78”.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: That is quite far, indeed.
CELADON: But he says he spent over a moon traveling from his homeland before we found him.
HALCYON: I was sent to seek help. I am a weary survivor and hopeful emissary of a once-magnificent people.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: The precursor race to all hoofed beings?
HALCYON: I believe so. There is much I do not know about the lands and peoples outside my own. Your ‘archeologists’ have taught me a great deal already.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: And Celadon, you believe his story?
CELADON: I can only tell you that we encountered Halcyon in the wilds- dehydrated, famished, injured, and alone.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: What manner of injury?
CELADON: Some very serious lacerations. They were infected.
HALCYON: A beast I had never seen before attacked me. I drove it off, but not before it clawed me.
[HALCYON turns to show claw scars on right foreleg.]
HALCYON: Had your people not found me, it no doubt would have kept returning until it finished me. I owe them my life, and as you are their leader, I owe you my life, as well.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Please, your life is no one’s but your own. What happened next?
CELADON: We nursed him back to health, and he told us of his people’s situation. He also demonstrated his primordial powers to us.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Primordial powers?
HALCYON: Yes. My people are not divided into tribes as ponykind. We have not what you call magic, and none of us can fly to shape the skies. But we have a close connection to all aspects of the natural world. It is like an extension of our bodies. May I demonstrate?
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Please do.
HALCYON: [claps hooves]
[A small whirlwind appears in front of Halcyon.]
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Quite impressive.
[The whirlwind dissipates.]
HALCYON: Through this connection, we marshaled the sky, as your pegasi do, we bonded with the land and its life, as your earth ponies do... [raises hoof]
[Swallows fly in from the balcony and perch on Halcyon, then chirp.]
[HALCYON points at PRINCESS CELESTIA.]
[The swallows fly circles above PRINCESS CELESTIA. They coo at her.]
PHILOMENA: [squawks appreciatively.]
PRINCESS CELESTIA: [smiles]
[The swallows fly out of the throne room.]
HALCYON: And we guided the sun, moon, and stars… as I have been told you do.
HALCYON: [stomps hoof]
[THE SUN sets.]
CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR: [brandishing spear] Whatever you just did, you had better undo it. Now.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: At ease, captain. [to Halcyon] But he is right. This sudden loss of the sun will frighten my people. [horn glows] [exertion] [frustrated gasp]
HALCYON: Forgive me. [stomps hoof]
[THE SUN rises.]
PRINCESS CELESTIA: But… hmm. Thank you. [INTO THRONE’S PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT MICROPHONE]: Attention. We just experienced a temporary lapse in sunlight due to a magical anomaly. Everything is under control. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.
HALCYON: I meant no harm. Ages ago, the sun and moon started to move on their own, and we assumed they had learned enough from us that they no longer needed our guidance. We had no idea the duties had actually been taken up by others.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: I had no idea the duty belonged to others before the unicorns of old. Is it your intent to reclaim that duty?
HALCYON: I have not come to lay claim to anything. I have come to beg for help.
[HALCYON kneels.]
HALCYON: Please, Princess Celestia, my people are dying. I believe this power of “friendship” can save them. Will you teach it to us?
PRINCESS CELESTIA: We will do all we can. I will send for my student and her friends. They are the nation’s experts on the subject. In the meantime, we will prepare shipments of relief packages for your people.
HALCYON: Thank you, Princess Celestia.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Palace lodgings will be provided to you in the meantime.
HALCYON: Me? Live here? Surely not. I am unworthy of such splendor.
PRINCESS CELESTIA [smiling]: I disagree. [Approaching Halcyon] You risked your life for your people. Though you possess amazing power, you begged humbly for help. This speaks volumes about your worth. And Philomena seems to like you, too.
PHILOMENA: [squawks in agreement.]
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Please, stay with us. I believe you have as much to teach us as we have to teach you.
HALCYON: Thank you, your highness. I humbly accept your hospitality.
PRINCESS CELESTIA: Welcome to Equestria, Halcyon. [Extends hoof.] And to the palace.
HALCYON: I believe I will like it here.
[HALCYON kisses PRINCESS CELESTIA’S hoof.] [PRINCESS CELESTIA smiles.]”
Spike put down the scroll. Radish crossed his hooves, pondering it all.
“So Halcyon caused the blackout,” said Spike.
“And the senior officers knew the whole time,” noted Radish.
“But why keep that a secret?”
“Like Celestia said, it would frighten everyone. Heck, it frightens me now. The last beings with that kind of power were Discord and Nightmare Moon. And Celestia couldn’t bring back the sun on her own- she had to wait for Halcyon to do it. Things are starting to make sense now.”
“They are?”
“Spike… Halcyon isn’t Celestia’s guest. She’s his hostage. We all are.”
“What are you saying?”
“That demonstration in the throne room was a show of force. He was letting Celestia and Shining Armor know that he can take away the sun at any time, and there’s nothing they can do about it. With that kind of power, we’re all at his mercy. Heck, we’re all at his whim.”
Radish got off his chair and paced the floor. “This whole time Celestia’s been playing host to him, she’s been placating him. Keeping him happy while keeping him close. That way, she can suss out his intentions, study his powers, and work out a strategy against him.”
“You think so?”
“I hope so.”
“If he’s a threat, why wouldn’t Celestia just get the girls to blast him with the Elements of Harmony?”
“He hasn’t actually made a move against Equestria. Would they activate against an implied threat?”
“Like, a pre-emptive harmony strike? I dunno. Those jewels kind of have a mind of their own.”
“Besides, the Elements take time to work. When the girls used them against Discord, it took about forty seconds for them to complete that whole rainbow firing sequence. That’s more than enough time for Halcyon to stomp away the sun again.”
“How do you know how long it took?”
“Special intel.”
“Wouldn’t the Elements just undo anything Halcyon could do during those forty seconds?”
“There’s been some debate on that subject. They got rid of Discord’s chaos locally, but left some of his stuff in the world. Same thing for Nightmare Moon’s lairs and experiments. And Halcyon’s powers are a big unknown. To take on someone like him, you’d need a sure thing, plus the element of surprise… and overwhelming power.”
“Like with, say, a concealed spear supercharged with alicorn powers?”
Radish slumped against the wall. “Yeah. Celestia must be planning on taking him on, alone. That’s why the Guard ranks are being kept in the dark. That’s why she sent the girls back to Ponyville. And that must be why she… pushed me away.”
“Pushed you away? How?”
Radish put a hoof on his flank. “Convincingly.”
“So, what do we do?”
“First things first. Can you smoke the scroll back to where it was?”
“Sure.” He blasted it with a flame, and the smoke slipped under the door. “Now what?”
“I want you to return to your duties. Pretend like everything’s normal.”
“What are you planning?”
“Halcyon wants to wrestle? Fine, then. I’ll wrestle him.”
“What good will that do?”
“I’m going to up the stakes. Make him a wager he can’t resist.”
“He’ll pulverize you. He’s like four times your size.”
“The finest dust does the greatest damage.”
“Is that a guard saying?”
“No, I just came up with it.”
“I should write that down. Twilight loves stuff like that.”
Radish walked up to Spike and hugged him.
“Uh, Rad?”
“Twilight’s a good pony. Promise me you’ll take care of her, okay?”
“You’re scaring me, Radish.”
“Don’t be scared. This is almost over.”
The Only Mark That Matters
43. The Suitor, Part 11: A Grander Arena
Radish entered Potion Nova’s office. She was alone, eating instant noodles at her desk. She swallowed a mouthful.
“Lieutenant! Katydid said you went down to the archives, then came rushing out! What happened?”
“Well, the good news is that Halcyon isn’t Discord.”
“Really? What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is that he’s… still bad news. He could be just as dangerous.”
“Do you want to gather The String for another meeting?”
“The String? That’s what you’re calling your conspiracy group?”
“Yeah. Cool name, huh?”
“Sure, cool. But don’t bother. This conspiracy is over. I’ll take things from here.”
“You have a plan?”
“Yeah, but it’s risky.”
“Then, do you have a Plan B?”
“The only Plan B is Celestia’s Plan A. And that’s riskier.”
“So, how can we help?”
“Actually, there’s a favor I need to ask of you. For a friend.”
Radish slipped behind Lieutenant Drift and seized her midsection. He lifted her up and pinned her to the floor.
“Three!” called the referee.
Drift groaned in pain and clutched her shoulder. Radish moved off her.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she said, standing up, “I’m still a little sore from fighting Halcyon.”
“That’s what Rhum Runner said. Everyone who fights Halcyon ends up sore, or sprained, or whiplashed…”
They sat down on a side bench together, looking over the tournament brackets.
“Look on the bright side,” she said, “you’re sailing to the top of the losers bracket on Halcyon’s battered leftovers.”
“That means I’ll have my chance at him soon.”
“Not before I do,” said Flash Sentry, trotting up in a wrestling singlet. “I’ve got him next.”
“Good luck.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I’ve been observing him during his fights. I can take him.”
“Yeah? You’ve got a strategy?”
“I’ve noticed he likes to keep his head low, and he tends to guard his right foreleg.”
“Because of his scars?”
“Probably. All I have to do is get his head to the floor, take his left side by surprise, then flip him on his back.”
“That’s all, huh?”
“I’m not saying it will be easy. But nothing worth doing ever is, right?”
“Right.”
“Go get ‘em, Sentry,” said Drift.
He nodded, then trotted to the ring. Drift leaned back, giggling.
“What?” asked Radish.
“Look,” she said, pointing at the other sides of the gym. A large number of guards and palace staff, mostly mares, were gathering in the bleachers to watch Flash’s fight with Halcyon. “The fan clubs are here.”
“Fan clubs?”
“Yeah. Flash is popular around the palace- it’s those big blue eyes and that easy-going smile. And a lot of staff have been drooling over Halcyon. Now everyone gets to watch them roll around on the floor together.”
“Ugh.”
Flash and Halcyon took their positions in the ring. The referee blew his whistle. Flash bolted forward.
Flash seized Halcyon’s sizable neck in a headlock. Halcyon tried to crush him into the mat, but Flash quickly repositioned and shoved his head down. He flipped around and shoved his weight into Halcyon’s left foreleg, knocking Halcyon onto his side.
Flash pounced and tried to push Halcyon onto his back. Halcyon seized Flash, but Flash slipped from his grip and shoved him anew.
Flash’s fans cheered. Halcyon’s fans booed. Halcyon scowled. Radish leaned forward, watching carefully.
Halcyon threw his weight up, knocking Flash off. Flash darted to his side and made a grab for his leg again. He missed it, grabbing air and falling on his stomach.
Halcyon slammed his entire body down onto Flash, knocking the breath out of his lungs. As Flash gasped for air, Halcyon rolled Flash onto his back and pinned him.
The referee counted to three and blew his whistle. Flash’s fans booed. Halcyon’s fans cheered. Radish frowned.
“Aww, that’s too bad,” said Drift.
“He got closer than anyone,” noted Radish.
“I meant, for his fans.”
“Well, that puts Flash in my bracket, so they’re going to be disappointed all over again when I beat him," said Radish.
Drift shrugged. “I bet they’re just going to change over to Team Shining Armor now. Cheer for him against Halcyon.”
Radish looked at her.
“What?” she asked.
“Their match… it’ll be quite an all-star exhibition, won’t it?”
“Sure. Why?”
“It gives me an idea.”
Radish caught sight of Flash, Shining Armor, and several ponies now gathering to watch the organizer change the brackets. He got up to join them.
“Hey. You did pretty good,” said Radish to Flash.
“I’m going to have to forfeit my fight with you. Halcyon really did a number on my withers.”
“Come on, Sentry, what about our rematch?”
“I can’t risk getting any more hurt right now. I’m trying to make Sky Patrol.”
“I’ll be gentle.”
“I know. Sorry.”
“Yeah. All right.”
Flash spoke to the organizer, who took his nameplate down. Shining Armor approached Radish.
“So that’s it, Root. You, me, and Halcyon are the final three competitors. And I’m fighting Halcyon next.”
Radish gazed around the gym. “You mean, in here?”
“Yeah, why not?”
“It’s just… I feel like a friendly match between the Captain of the Guard and an illustrious personal guest of Princess Celestia should have a grander arena than this dingy old training gym.”
“You think so?”
“I bet a ton of ponies are going to want to see it, including VIPs. It’s too bad you can’t have your fight at, say, the public ring in the sports quarter.”
Shining Armor put a hoof to his chin. “You know, Root, that’s not a bad idea. I haven’t competed in a packed stadium since my hoofball days.”
“Oh?”
“Those were some good times. The roar of the crowd, the halftime shows… the cheerleaders…”
And no censorship spell in the sports quarter , thought Radish.
“That sounds exciting, sir. Perhaps we could invite some members of the press? They could get the whole thing on film.”
“I like the way you think, Root. I’m going to go talk to Princess Celestia.”
Radish watched him go.
Okay, maybe this will be easier than I thought.
Radish sat in the break room with a root beer. Barrel Roller walked past the door, and, seeing him, entered.
“Root, I wanted to let you know that we’ve checked out those locations you gave us for the Warmbloods. They’re legit. And the gang is having a big meeting at one of them soon.”
“If you’re making a move against them, I’d like to be a part of it, ma’am.”
“The captain gave you the rest of the week off.”
“Because they tried to kill me. I should be part of their downfall.”
“I don’t think so. It’s too personal for you. We’ll handle it.”
“Ma’am-”
Shining Armor walked past the door and noticed them.
“Hey, Root, great news!”
“You’ve got the ring for your fight with Halcyon?”
“Even better- the throne room!”
“What?”
“The throne room, captain?” asked Barrel Roller, skeptically.
“It was Halcyon’s idea. He said that in the glory days of his homeland, athletes would perform feats of strength in the great hall to entertain the royalty.”
“Is that so?” asked Radish.
“And since the throne room is due for a remodel soon, we’ve decided to give it a proper send-off. We’ll set up a ring and some seating so a select few VIPs can watch. You know, senators, dignitaries- even my parents are coming!”
“But the throne room is secured by the camera filter spell,” said Radish. “No one will be able to get photos of your fight.”
“Yeah, I know. That’s a shame. But Broadstrokes can make images of the highlights. Did you know he can magic up photorealistic paintings?”
“I, uh, think I’ve heard that.”
“What do you say, Barry?” he asked Barrel Roller, “You gonna watch?”
“Sir, I have actual work to do.”
“Oh, come on, it’ll take five minutes. It’ll be the most fun you ever had.”
“Sure, captain.”
Shining trotted out. Barrel Roller sighed. She walked to the door.
“Root, judging by your response to that, I have to assume it was the failed result of some ill-conceived attempt at a devious machination.”
“Ma’am, surely I don’t come across as one who goes in for devious machinations?”
“Just cut it out. No one’s as devious as they think they are.”
“Aye, ma’am.”
“But if you’d like to observe the operation to take down the Warmbloods, fine. Just hang back and keep an eye out.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
Radish had rarely been in the throne room. His Royal Guard Oath ceremony had taken place there, and his training took him through it a few times. It was looking vastly different now.
A large purple wrestling mat had been set up in the center of the floor. Both sides of the hall were now lined with elevated, tall-backed red velvet chairs which looked more at home in a dining hall than a sports arena.
These seats were now filling with guests. As Shining had said, most were VIPs- various statesponies and members of Canterlot’s upper crust. Radish knew a few of them by reputation.
Radish had been given a front-row seat by merit of being the only other remaining competitor in the tournament. He overheard a guest behind him ask her husband if there would also be a match in the throne room with “the other guy”. Her husband scoffed and said the other guy was nobody special.
Princess Celestia took her seat on her throne. Luna’s throne was empty.
“Oh, hello, Radish! Nice to see you again!” said a mare’s voice.
Radish looked and saw Twilight’s parents sitting down in the two seats to his left. They had T-shirts, caps, and pennants bearing Shining Armor’s face.
“Hello sir, ma’am.”
“Spike said you two had a fun day together yesterday,” said Night Light.
“Thanks for always being so great to our kids, Radish,” said Twilight Velvet.
“Oh, it’s nothing.”
“So, what odds do you give this Halcyon guy? How many rounds do you think he can go with our Shiny?” Night Light asked, boxing at the air in front of him.
“I, uh, think this may be a quick fight.”
“Radish,” said Twilight Velvet, lowering her voice, “how have you been? You know… there’s been all these rumors about Princess Celestia and Halcyon…”
“I just want what’s best for her.”
She put a hoof on his shoulder. “Oh, you’re such a dear. You know, the next time Twilight’s in town-”
The lights went out.
Exciting music blared. Spotlights crossed the floor and back. Shining Armor entered, cloaked in a shiny robe. He reached the center of the mat, tossed the hood back, and smiled at the crowd. The crowd cheered. He tossed his robe into the stands and took a fighting stance.
The music changed. Halcyon strode in plain-faced, with his eyes focused on Shining. He took his position, facing Shining Armor. The lights turned on again and the music stopped.
Twilight Velvet gasped. “Wait, that’s Halcyon? He’s the size of an icebox!”
“Lieutenant, this is just for funsies, right?” Night Light nervously asked Radish. “No one’s going to get hurt, right?”
“I, uh…”
The bell rang.
Shining rushed to Halcyon’s side and gripped his front right leg. Halcyon opted to grab Shining and crush him where he stood. Shining slipped from Halcyon’s grip and backed away. Halcyon calmly approached Shining.
Radish looked at Princess Celestia. She watched the fight with a worried expression. Radish looked back at the fight. Shining Armor was on Halcyon’s back. Halcyon bucked him off.
Shining recovered and dodged Halcyon’s charge. He seized Halcyon’s rear legs and pulled, then twisted them up. Radish felt a twinge of pain in his knees where Shining had done the same to him.
Halcyon broke out of Shining’s grip and flung himself at Shining. Shining got Halcyon’s scarred foreleg and tried to pull it. Halcyon swung the leg in a large circle and tossed Shining Armor into the air.
Shining landed on all fours. Halcyon leapt at him, aiming to grab him. Shining dodged, but found himself in Halcyon’s grip anyway. He crushed Shining into the mat, face-down.
Shining squirmed and struggled under Halcyon’s immense weight. Halcyon increased the pressure.
“What is he doing?” Night Light asked Radish.
“He’s, uh, aiming for a submission, not a pin,” said Radish. “He’s trying to get Shining Armor to tap out.”
“You mean, beg for mercy!?” asked Twilight Velvet.
Shining Armor kicked a leg free, but Halcyon grabbed it and twisted it over Shining’s back.
Shining Armor grit his teeth.
“It’s okay, son! You can do it!” called Night Light.
Shining Armor wriggled and squirmed jerkily. Halcyon dug his elbows into Shining’s sides.
Shining Armor screamed out in agony.
Radish couldn't believe it- he didn't know his captain could scream. The audience gasped. Night Light and Twilight Velvet held each other and looked away. Celestia winced. Halcyon pressed, twisted, and dug into Shining Armor harder.
Then, another noise joined the scream. The pad covering Shining Armor’s horn flashed and emitted a high-pitched howl. The referee blew his whistle. Whatever Halcyon just did to Shining Armor was enough to make him instinctively call upon his magic. Shining Armor had disqualified himself.
Halcyon stood up off of Shining Armor. Shining Armor remained on the floor. Twilight Velvet bolted from her chair to his side.
“Son! What’s wrong!?”
Shining Armor lay moaning, shaking, and clutching his sides. He tried to stand, then collapsed into a whimpering heap.
Night Light stood on his chair. “DOCTOR! WE NEED A DOCTOR!”
Princess Celestia leapt off her throne and landed next to Shining Armor. She threw her hooves over him and teleported away with him. The room went silent. Radish looked around. Halcyon was nowhere to be found.
Twilight Velvet ran to Radish. “Radish! Where did she take him?”
“Infirmary, most likely. I’ll show you the way.”
Radish sat in the infirmary’s waiting room, staring at the clock on the wall. Shining’s parents had gone in to see him some time ago. Radish hadn’t heard anything since they went in.
Night Light and Twilight Velvet came out of the infirmary door, holding each other. They saw Radish, and immediately hugged him.
“How is he?” asked Radish.
“He’ll be okay,” said Night Light.
“Radish, you’re not going to fight that Halcyon, are you?” asked Twilight Velvet.
“He just earned the privilege, ma’am.”
“You can’t! He’ll brutalize you!”
“Please, don’t worry about me.”
A nurse poked her head through the door. “Lieutenant Root? The captain would like to see you.”
“Go on, Radish,” said Night Light. “We need to find Spike.”
Radish found his captain resting alone in a private room. The curtains were drawn, dimming the light from outside.
“Root…”
“Sir. How are you?”
“Lock the door.”
Radish complied.
“Sir?”
“I’m humiliated, Root. The second I felt insecure, I sparked up my horn.”
“Sir, I’m sure it was just an involuntary reflex. No one thinks you were trying to cheat.”
“You ever have a magic horn, Root?”
“No, sir…”
“We unicorns train our whole lives so that we don’t have involuntary reflexes. I used magic deliberately, in a moment of weakness, because I got scared. I’ve shamed myself and disgraced my office.”
“But Twilight accidentally casts spells all the time.”
“The Captain of the Guard should have better horn discipline than his librarian kid sister, Root!”
“I’m sorry, sir. How are you, physically?”
“Bruised ribs. I’m out of the tourney.”
“Is Halcyon?”
“No, he didn’t break any rules.”
“Sir, he sent half a dozen guards to the infirmary without breaking any rules.”
“I know. He’ll win the whole thing now.”
“Only if he beats me, sir.”
“I advise against fighting him, Root.”
“I have to. The reputation of the Guard is at stake, isn’t it? If word got out that a guest beat every guard at their own tourney…”
“That’s not important.”
“It is, sir. The more the public thinks that guards are pushovers, the more adversaries will come out of the woodwork. We’re not a joke, sir. We’re not easy pickings. Ponies need to be reminded of that.”
“Is that your only stake in this, Root? Or do you just want Celestia to see you beat Halcyon?”
“I do, sir. Because I want her to see your training and guidance reflected in my skills. I want her to know her guards are tough, and you made them that way.”
“Root… you’re not just blowing smoke up my chimney, are you?”
“Sir, even if I never felt a twinge of attraction to Princess Celestia, I’d still want to impress her. She’s my princess and my boss. And I’d still want to do you proud.”
Shining Armor looked Radish in the eyes. “That’s nice, Root. Go get ‘em.”
“Is there anything you want to tell me about him?”
“Don't let him bellyflop on you."
“Anything regarding his… nature?”
“His nature is that he’s a Personal Guest of Princess Celestia. That’s all you need to know.”
“What if I knew more than that?”
“Then that would be a serious breach of security protocol, wouldn’t it?”
“It would. Get well, sir.”
Radish stood alone in the orrery, staring up at the constellation of Aquarius. Halcyon walked into the room.
“Radish Root, a servant said you wished to speak with me.”
“Yes. I wanted to give you a chance to forfeit our match.”
“Why would I do such a thing?”
“A lot of competitors have been getting injured, and I’d hate to see Princess Celestia’s illustrious guest be harmed.”
“You fear for my safety?”
“I do.”
Halcyon leaned in and grinned. “We have empty boasts in my homeland, as well. I am not concerned.”
“Then, care to make it interesting?”
“Is it not, already?”
“Sorry, that’s slang for betting on the outcome.”
“What do you wish to bet?”
“If I win, you have to tell Princess Celestia the whole truth about yourself.”
“What truth do you believe I am hiding?”
“I don’t know. If I did, I’d tell her myself.”
“What if I have no such secret?”
“I’m risking my neck because I think you do.”
“And what if I win?”
“I’ll leave the palace, just like you wanted. I’ll live and die in obscurity.”
Halcyon narrowed his eyes. “What guarantee can I have that you will not renege?”
“The same thing that binds my oath to the Guard. I swear, upon my honor. Will you swear the same?”
“What if I have no honor to swear upon?”
“If you have no honor, then I’m doomed either way.”
Halcyon laughed. He leaned down to Radish.
“I accept your terms.”
The Only Mark That Matters
44. The Suitor, Part 12: An Uphill Battle
Radish sat by the palace’s lake, staring at a flock of ducks floating by. He went over the past week in his mind. Celestia approached him with a worried expression.
“Lieutenant?”
“Ma’am?”
“Halcyon has requested use of the throne room again for the final match. I wanted to ask if you still intend to participate.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’m looking forward to it. And I’m honored to be considered worthy of such an arena.”
She looked down to the ground. “Radish, you saw what happened to Shining Armor.”
“I did. It was very kind of you to convey him to the infirmary. If the situation requires it, I hope you’ll be so kind as to convey Halcyon there, as well.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps I should just cancel this whole thing. Then we can all stay out of the infirmary.”
“Halcyon might be disappointed at that, ma’am. I think he’s hoping to impress you by winning the tournament.”
“I know. But what are you hoping to accomplish?”
“It’s just a friendly match, princess.”
“Oh, is it, now?”
“Of course, ma’am. It’s not like the fate of Equestria is at stake.”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “No. Of course not.”
“But I promise you, I’ll fight as if it was.”
“Thank you, lieutenant. That’s good to know.”
Radish changed into his wrestling gear in his bunk room as his bunkmates watched.
“Hey, good luck out there,” Spats said. “We’re all coming to cheer you on.”
“Thanks.”
“But you know,” said Bunker Buster, “no one’s going to blame you if you need to tap out. There’s no shame in second place. No need to risk your neck over a pizza coupon.”
Radish sighed. “This is for a lot more than that.”
“What, you bet on yourself?”
“Yeah. I’ve got a lot riding on this.”
“Do you have a strategy, then?”
Radish looked at his bunkmates. He sighed. “I do, but it’s going to be an uphill battle.”
“Hey, this is Canterlot,” said Spats. “Everything we do is uphill.”
Radish pushed open the throne room’s huge double doors. There was no music or spotlights to highlight his entrance. The mat and seats were still set up, but the only VIPs in attendance were the senior officers, department heads, and Celestia on her throne. The rest of the stands were full of guards and staff. His bunkmates cheered for him. Spike sat in the front row, eating popcorn. He waved at Radish.
Radish stepped onto the mat. He looked at the senior officers in the back row. Shining Armor, now wearing bandages across his chest, gave Radish a nod.
Halcyon pushed through the doors. The cheers for him were more subdued. He headed straight for his spot facing Radish. The two stallions stared each other in the eyes.
“Radish Root, I have been looking forward to this.”
“So have I. May the best stallion win.”
They each took a deep breath.
Okay , thought Radish, Flash’s strategy was to rush his unguarded side. Shining Armor’s strategy was to wear down his legs. They both lacked the muscle power to make their plans succeed. But I don’t. I can work on his limbs, then get him down and over.
But Halcyon will be wise to strategies he’s seen before. I have to distract him so he doesn't realize what I’m doing.
Radish looked at Celestia on her throne. She watched carefully.
Luckily, he showed me he has a temper. Exploiting that is the first step on the uphill battle.
Radish locked eyes with Celestia. He gave her a pleasant smile and a bow. She gave him a worried nod back. Halcyon watched this and scowled.
Radish crouched. Halcyon did not. The bell rang.
Halcyon sped toward Radish. Radish dodged. Halcyon grasped for Radish. Radish dodged.
Radish grabbed Halcyon’s right foreleg and folded it, shoving it upward. Halcyon tried to crush Radish, just as he did Shining Armor.
Radish rolled under Halcyon, forcing him to fall to his side. Radish threw himself onto Halcyon’s shoulders. Halcyon caught Radish and threw him straight across the room. The audience gasped.
Radish splat against a wall. The referee blew his whistle. A ring-out wasn’t a defeat, but Radish would have twenty seconds to return to the ring. Radish walked calmly back.
Radish and Halcyon faced off again. Halcyon lunged, and Radish dodged and shoved. Halcyon stood his ground, tearing rips into the mat. The two stallions grappled. Radish focused his earth pony strength, commanding himself to push harder. Halcyon started to lose ground. The audience cheered.
Halcyon roared. He picked up Radish and slammed him into the mat at full force. The audience jumped in their seats.
Halcyon stood over Radish, grinning maliciously. He put a hoof on one of Radish’s shoulders and pressed it down into the mat. Radish grunted.
Radish seized the hoof, rolled himself free, and attempted to twist it behind Halcyon’s back. Halcyon growled and flung his arm out, slinging Radish into the mat. He bounced and skidded like a rock on a lake, then slid to a stop.
Radish heard a whistle blow and felt a breeze. He climbed to his feet, and saw that the force of his landing had scraped his singlet halfway off his body. The bare spots where his cutie marks used to be were now exposed.
There was a muttering through the crowd. Princess Celestia looked aside, frowning.
Radish put his singlet back on, then approached the center of the ring.
“You sheared her from your body?” growled Halcyon in a low voice.
“That’s right,” said Radish with a shrug. “And boy, she nearly clogged the sink.”
Halcyon seethed. The referee blew his whistle again, and the two stallions collided.
Halcyon grabbed Radish by the haunches and slammed him into the mat, then picked him up and slammed him down again. Radish heard a loud shattering noise, and he wasn’t sure if it came from inside him or from the marble floor under the mat. The audience collectively moaned in sympathy.
“Radish!” called a worried voice behind him. He turned to see Spike nervously clutching his own tail. “Please, stay down! Throw in the towel!”
Radish smiled at him, and climbed to his feet.
Halcyon leapt into the air. Radish hopped back. Somehow Radish misjudged Halcyon’s leap, and Halcyon landed directly onto him with a crunch .
Radish fought to keep Halcyon from pinning him, while focusing his senses on his opponent. Halcyon was breathing hard- harder than he should be. The breathing seemed off. Wrong. As if it was coming from another creature, with a different chest and throat.
He focused more. Halcyon was heavy, all right- but heavy in the wrong places. His weight was distributed differently than it appeared like it should be- he was more front-heavy than he looked.
Radish tipped Halcyon tail-over-head, sending him on his back. Radish pounced to pin him.
Radish missed Halcyon’s body, landing on empty mat.
Halcyon knocked Radish onto his back and kneeled his front elbows on Radish’s abdomen. Radish squirmed. Halcyon folded Radish’s four legs in unnatural shapes and pressed down on them. Radish hissed. He was feeling pain in nerves he didn't know he had. Spittle bubbled up from his throat.
The two stallions stared into each others’ eyes. Halcyon was in a position to pin Radish and win, yet he wasn’t trying to. He was going for a submission, just like with Shining Armor.
Radish had no intention of submitting, yet he was in too much pain to think of a plan. His joints were on fire, and the limbs they held together were going numb. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t even squirm now. His body shuddered involuntarily, begging him to surrender.
“Enough!” called out a clear authoritative voice. All eyes in the room looked. Celestia was standing off her throne with a horrified expression. “This is a massacre! You’ve toyed with him long enough! Just pin him and be done with it!”
All eyes turned back to Halcyon, who looked appalled.
“Yes, ma’am!” yelled Radish.
The audience burst into laughter. Spike guffawed. Shining Armor smiled, and Saguaro Shade chuckled and nudged Barrel Roller, who hid her mouth behind her hooves. Celestia sputtered a bit, then started laughing as well.
Radish dropped his head back and laughed. Halcyon fumed. His eyes grew wide with rage.
Then, his eyes grew larger than possible. His cheeks distorted, and the rest of his body seemed to be melting away like wax.
The rest of the room seemed to be melting away with him. Radish thought he must have hit his head too many times, but he could hear the rest of the ponies in the room gasping and crying out in fear. Halcyon dropped back on his rump and started wheezing.
Radish sat up. Everything in the room was spinning. He looked down at his hooves, and saw that they were the wrong hooves. His body was gold and white, like Halcyon’s. He gazed across the crowd. Everyone, even Celestia, now looked like Halcyon, but distorted as if seen in funhouse mirrors.
Halcyon fell over to his side and convulsed. Radish’s heart sank into his gut. He ran to Halcyon’s side. “Halcyon! What’s wrong!?”
Halcyon coughed up foamy blood between wheezes.
“Medic!” howled Radish.
He heard a thud on the mat next to him. Celestia had landed beside them. She spread her wings and enveloped Radish and Halcyon. Then Radish heard a blast of thunder and felt every point in his body get burning hot and freezing cold. A different surface placed itself under his feet. Celestia had teleported them.
Celestia unmantled her wings from them and held Halcyon aloft in her aura. He was unconscious, and the color of his coat was growing darker. Radish stepped back and looked around. They were in the infirmary.
“Doctors! Medical emergency!” Celestia howled. Ponies approached with a gurney, and Celestia lowered him into it.
“Wait out here, Radish,” she said. She followed the doctors as they wheeled him through swinging double doors. Radish watched them go, stupefied.
Radish paced the infirmary waiting room. Celestia entered with an exhausted expression on her face.
“Radish, please follow me.”
Radish followed her into the infirmary proper. She led him down the hallways to the intensive care unit.
“How is he? What happened?”
“He is stable, but… very different. As for what happened, I think it best we both find out together.”
They reached a door with Halcyon’s name scrawled on a whiteboard to the side. Celestia opened it. There was a large orange bull in the bed. His horns had been cut down to stumps. He looked pale and tired.
“Ma’am? Who is this?”
“Yes,” she said, approaching the bed. “Who are you?”
He looked at Radish and Celestia, and sighed. “I said my name was Halcyon when I got here. That was a lie. My name is Harold. I’m not from the Far Eastern Edgelands. I’m not a survivor from some ancient precursor race. I'm just a bull from Fillydelphia.”
“How? How is that possible?” asked Radish.
“It is a very long story. One I’ve been eager to tell. Please, reserve judgment until you’ve heard it all.”
Celestia furrowed her brows. Radish leaned forward in interest.
“Princess Celestia,” Harold said, “it all started the first time I laid eyes on you. I was just a boy when you held the Summer Sun Celebration in Fillydelphia. I couldn’t hope to get close to you through all the crowds, so I watched you from my fire escape through my little amateur telescope. It was good enough to see you.
“I had always heard that you raise the sun, but seeing you do it was something else entirely. It was astonishing. I couldn’t help but fall in love with you, then and there.”
Celestia frowned.
“And as you left town, a deep sense of panic hit me- I may never see you again. I may never get to be that near to you, ever again. I was heartbroken, and there was nothing I could do.
“I grew up, turning from an amateur astronomer to a professional one. I thought working with the sun, moon, and stars could keep me connected to you, in some small way. Then, it hit me- if I could just make a new discovery in the heavens- something really special, maybe it would be enough to impress you. Maybe you’d want to meet me. Maybe you’d even fall for me.”
Radish and Celestia traded unhappy glances.
“I scanned the skies every night, fixated on making that discovery. I could feel excitement growing inside me! I knew I was close! I knew my time was coming soon!
“But it was all taken from me. The observatory where I worked was attacked by a group of fanatics. They believed in a very old legend about magic lenses that could drain away the power of the sun. They thought that’s what we were trying to do. With a few destructive spells, they collapsed the observatory, with us inside."
“I remember that,” said Celestia. “It shocked and appalled Canterlot. They were brought to justice, at least.”
“I was hurt in the attack, hospitalized for days. All I could think of was that absurd belief that ruined my life. But then I realized it might not be so absurd. The sun’s power might be attainable, after all.
“Astronomers have long known about certain energies the sun puts out- stellar radiation. It normally has no effect on us. But just as there are potions that can harden a creature against radiation, so too can those potions be reversed, to make one absorb it. And the right apparatus can concentrate sunlight to flood a chamber with a creature inside it.”
“What on earth for?” Celestia asked.
“I wanted to fill my body with the power of the sun. To become a creature of the sun, just like you. To turn myself into a companion worthy of you.”
“The chances of such an experiment succeeding were minuscule. The chances of it killing you were almost certain."
“Yes, I know. I didn’t even care if I lived or died anymore. I would be with you, or be nothing at all.
“I built my apparatus in the remains of the observatory. And on the eve of a certain Summer Sun Celebration, I took the absorption potion, stood in the sunbathing chamber, and waited for you to raise the sun on me.”
“You don’t mean-” Celestia said.
“Yes, the morning of Nightmare Moon’s return. I waited for the sun. It didn’t rise. I waited longer. I had been up all night and the night before in eager preparation, and soon I succumbed to exhaustion and passed out in the dark.”
He lay back in the bed, staring at the ceiling.
“In that dark, I dreamt of you. Of us, together. I had a rude awakening.
“As both the sun and the princess were missing, anything that seemed out of place was immediately suspected as the culprit. The fanatics’ claim that the observatory could steal the power of the sun was still fresh in everyone’s minds, and the possibility of eternal night had many more starting to believe it.
“Locals reported seeing me working in the abandoned observatory. The police broke in, tore me from the chamber, and accused me of having something to do with your disappearance. Me, of all creatures!
“Instead of being exalted by your sunrise, I was brutally interrogated in your name. As I sat in a cell beaten and bruised, the sun finally rose, long after the potion had worn off. I was released with no apology.
“I wandered without purpose. But as the days stretched on, changes took place. In those hours you were held captive by Nightmare Moon, I had been bathed in concentrated moonlight. It did something to me. I had been empowered as I wanted, not by the day, but by the night.
“I gained a loose connection to the dream realm. It manifested in a power over daydreams- altering the perceptions of those around me, as if they were daydreaming what I wanted them to see. It started off small- making ponies see the wrong time on a clock, or mistake the color of a flower. After enough practice, I found I could change how I appear. That’s when I developed a new plan to get into your graces. To become your suitor at last.
“I cloaked myself in a form invoking raw, primitive mystique- perfect for catching the eyes of elite, prim-and-proper ladies who had seen far too many frilled collars in their lifetime. I gave myself a new name. I sent an unassuming fan letter to the Edgelands archeological expedition so I could follow their messenger badger all the way to their outpost. And I convinced them that I was a wanderer from a lost civilization.”
“You interrupted an important expedition with these… falsehoods !?” Celestia growled.
“Yes. If it’s any consolation, a beast really did wound me. I would have died out on the moors without the expedition’s care.”
“You call that consolation!? I don’t want any of my subjects to be harmed, even if they’re...” She made a disgusted noise in her throat. “Continue.”
“The expedition, however, was more interested in seeing my fictive lost civilization than taking me to you. I used my powers to expand the lie- to make it look like I could control all of nature. Finally, they believed I was worthy of the attention of a princess. Celadon brought me here, and I treated you to that lie, as well.”
“But the entire world saw the sun go out!” said Celestia. “You have that much power?”
“No, your highness. I only made the few present in the throne room daydream that the sun vanished. You did the rest.”
“I see,” said Celestia. “At first, I thought you had lowered the sun, so I tried to raise it. When that didn’t work, I assumed you pushed it deeper into space, so I tried to lower it…”
“But if it was an illusion on just the few in the throne room…” realized Radish.
“Yes,” said Celestia. “I had actually pushed it twice as far away, dimming the sky, then I pulled it closer, restoring the daylight. What a fool I was.”
Harold sighed. “It was a desperate gamble, the kind of trick that wouldn’t work again. But it didn’t need to.”
“Then what was your plan?” demanded Celestia. “Court me, seduce me under a false identity, and then leave, having gotten everything you ever wanted?”
“No, I was hoping to stay with you for the rest of my life.”
Celestia seethed with rage, but when she saw Radish looking sadly down to the floor, she realized what Harold meant.
“You’re… not going to live much longer, are you?”
“The experiment had its downsides, too. I need a constant supply of anti-radiation potions to keep stable. But it’s borrowed time- they’ve been wearing off faster and faster. I doubt I’ll live another month, even with the best care… which I don’t expect to have.”
“If you were sick, why did you want to fight me!?” demanded Radish.
He looked at Radish. “Because despite all my efforts to remake myself into a worthy companion for Celestia, I still could not compete with the stallion who bears her image on his body. Palace staff would whisper about how you, not I, were Celestia’s true destiny. I had to prove myself your better to put those whispers to rest.”
“You burned out your body, cut your life short, schemed and lied for months, and for what?” asked Celestia, exasperatedly. “All because you wanted to bed me?”
“That was my goal… up until the moment I finally met you face-to-face. When I stood before you, looked into your eyes, and heard your voice… I realized I could not lie my way into your bed. I settled for lying my way into your company. I would get to spend my last days at your side.
“And that was enough. It’s been bliss. Getting to talk to you. Getting to share meals with you. Strolling the hedge maze, sharing a rowboat, and touring the palace. Even if these would be the last things I ever do, they’d be more than most creatures could hope for in a lifetime.
“I know you’ve been faking enjoying my company. You pretended to be interested in me, because you were afraid of the power I pretended to have. You were only worried about what I could do to the sun, weren’t you?”
She furrowed her brow. “Yes. I’ve spent the week in fear of you.”
“I am sorry. I rode into the palace on a wave of lies that I could no longer control. I never meant to worry you.”
“Worry me!? What about what you’ve done to Luna!?”
“I have done nothing to her!”
“She’s been suffering because of a disruption to the dream realm! It’s clear to me now that your dream-based powers are what’s been causing it!”
“I… I didn’t know.” He rolled over onto his side, away from her. “I will leave the palace. That will spare her more suffering.”
“You are not going anywhere. Lieutenant Root, Hal… Harold is under arrest. Fetch cuffs and secure him to his bed.”
“May I take a moment with him, ma’am?”
“Why?” Harold asked.
“Yes, Radish, why?”
“Because he’s me, ma’am. He’s me if you never talked to my parents. He’s me with a couple more bad days in my life. Princess, I could have easily ended up where he is now.”
Celestia’s face softened. “Take your moment. I will inform the senior officers of this revelation.”
She walked to the door.
“Princess Celestia,” said Harold. “I am sorry. About everything.”
She looked into his eyes for a moment, then turned and opened the door.
“Wait!” pleaded Harold. “Please, I must know- at any point, were any of your smiles genuine? Were any of your laughs at any of my jokes real? Was there ever a moment when you truly enjoyed my company?”
Celestia scowled at him.
“Yes. Happy?”
“Yes. Finally.”
“Oh, and entering the tournament under a false identity disqualifies you, Harold . That would make you the winner, Radish. Congrats.”
Celestia walked out.
“Lucky me,” sighed Radish.
“You also won the bet, but I’ve already told her everything.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry,” said Harold.
“Me, too,” said Radish.
“Did you mean what you said, about how we’re the same?”
“It’s true. Growing up, I would have done anything to impress Celestia. I’ll have to admit, your approach was much more creative. I never would have thought to mutate myself with radiation. I just lifted weights and hoped for the best.”
Harold sighed. “I never had trouble putting on muscle. Us bulls have to be extra careful all the time, so we don’t break the things- and creatures- around us.”
He rolled over on his side. “But I did, anyway, didn’t I? But I’ve really upset her, haven’t I?”
“Yes, because she cares about all of us. She hates that one of her subjects would hurt themselves on her account. And I think she would have really loved a real Halcyon.”
“But not a real Harold. I’m an actual, honest-to-goodness villain, aren’t I? The kind she’s been fighting all her life. I came here faking my identity, feeding everyone lies, wasting her time and resources. I beat up her guards, hospitalized her captain, and made a fool out of her.”
“Maybe you can make up for it.”
“You know, I actually did draft up plans for updates to the orrery. It was meant to be a gift to her.”
“I can talk to the tower staff, see if they can work on it with you for… for…”
“The rest of my life? The few weeks of it?”
“Yeah.”
“It would be nice to leave something meaningful behind. In the royal palace, no less.”
“But could you do it as Harold, and not tell anyone about Halcyon? I don’t want the world learning that Celestia was fooled.”
“Neither do I.”
“Thanks.”
“I am sorry that I have been hounding you all week. I assumed you were my rival for her affection. Everyone who knows about Radish Root assumes he and Princess Celestia will end up together someday.”
“She’s been clear about it. We won’t.”
“How do you do it, Radish? How do you stay sane? You’re close to her every day. You have her on you.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I will end up like you someday, anyhow.”
“I don’t think so. You’ve got a whole palace of ponies who care for you. I never had anyone who cared about me.”
“You have one now.”
“Thank you.”
“So, uh… you used your illusion powers during the fights?”
“Yes.”
“What about your photo?”
“Ah, by making myself look wrong through the camera, I made the photographer mis-adjust his settings.”
“And you spooked that reporter with fake birds?”
“Yes. Black-winged swallows would nest in the ruins of my observatory. They were my only companions for a long time.”
“Did you fake your bowling score, too?”
“Hmm? Oh, no. I bowl like that all the time.”
“Huh.”
Shining Armor leaned back in his desk chair and regarded Radish with half-lidded eyes.
“Root, I’m classifying everything regarding Halcyon, a.k.a. Harold. Only you, the princesses, the senior officers, and some doctors know he was a phony. You are not to breathe a word about it to anyone else- not even Twilight, Spike, their friends, or any guards or palace staff. And definitely not tourists.”
“But the stands were full. A lot of ponies experienced his illusion powers going out-of-control.”
“We are letting the world know that ‘Halcyon’ had unique, undisclosed powers, which he accidentally used during his match.”
“Disqualifying him, huh?”
“That’s right. Making this yours.”
Shining Armor floated a gift certificate to a nearby pizza parlor into Radish’s hooves.
“Congrats. Try their garlic sticks.”
“Thank you, sir. I hope I did the Guard, and you, proud.”
“Well, you let a sick guest beat the stuffing out of you until he collapsed from a medical emergency.”
“Yeah.”
“But when he collapsed, you immediately rushed to help him. That’s what the public wants to see from the Guard. That's what I want to see in a guard.”
“Thank you, sir.”
"And that's what sweet girls like Fluttershy like to see from a stallion."
Radish’s eyes went wide. "That's... good to know. Uh, what do I say if someone asks where Halcyon went?”
“His medical condition required him to return to his homeland. But he’s taking with him all he’s learned about friendship. Maybe someday, we’ll see him again.”
“I see. At least there isn’t really a lost civilization that needs saving.”
“Right. The only civilization you need to worry about is your own. And on that token, should we postpone your sword finals? You got thrashed pretty bad.”
“No, sir. Someday I may need to wield my sword even after a bad thrashing.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow.
“Oh!” said Radish, “But if you need to postpone it, because of your bruised ribs, I’d understand.”
Shining Armor leaned forward and grinned. “Root, that’s just the kind of bravado I’m looking for in a swordstallion. And the kind of cockiness I love to slap out of them during finals.”
“Yes, sir.”
“See you in the gym tomorrow. Six hundred hours.”
“Oh, that early?”
“Princess Luna wanted to watch.”
“She’s better?”
“Ever since Hal… Harold collapsed, his powers shut off. He’s no longer affecting the dream realm.”
“I’m relieved she’ll be all right.”
“Princess Celestia, however, doesn’t get to just suddenly feel better. She’ll need her friends for that.”
“Oh, AG1, you mean?”
“Root, I’m talking about you.”
“Sir, I was an obsessed suitor just like Harold. She needs to see less of me for a while.”
“She doesn’t see it that way. She’s coming to your sword final tomorrow, too. And you had better do her proud.”
“Aye, sir.”
“And speaking of her, cutie mark shaving is a violation of the dress code. Do it again, and I’ll come down on you and all your bunkmates for all their little grooming violations, too.”
“Yes, sir.”
“That’s all the official business. But before you go, Root- and this is just a personal, stallion-to-stallion thing... growing up, did you ever picture yourself proposing to Celestia?"
"Oh, uh... all the time."
"How did you imagine doing it?"
“Well, I would… wait. Does this mean you’re thinking about proposing to Princess Mi Amore Cadenza?”
Shining Armor opened his drawer and pulled out a ring box. He showed Radish the ring inside. Radish knew just enough about jewelry to be stunned.
“Yeah, but that’s top-secret, too. Don’t even tell Twilight.”
“No, sir.”
“So, how does a stallion propose to a princess?"
“I’d take her to the cliff on the far side of Horseshoe lake, overlooking the flamingo feeding grounds. They take off as a flock to return to their roost each day at sunset. As the sun goes down, she’d watch a thousand brightly colored birds soar over our heads, then look back at me to see that I’m holding up a ring. I’d tell her she means everything to me, and that I’d like to spend the rest of my life with her.”
“Sheesh, Root, how long have you been holding onto that?”
“Many years, sir. But not anymore. You can use it, if you like.”
“Why don't you hold onto that? I was thinking something indoors."
"All right sir."
"Now, Root... are you going to be okay with me marrying Cadance?"
"Uh, why wouldn't I be?"
"I figured you might have a problem with a guard marrying a princess."
"Oh, I see. But Mi Amore Cadenza has her own, separate guard service, right? She can marry any of her aunts' guards that she wants."
"That's right. I'm glad you understand."
"Why, she could marry me , if she was so inclined."
"...that's... that's technically true, Root..."
"Does she like gardenias? I’ve got a nice crop growing in my garden."
Shining Armor stared at Radish. Radish stared back.
"Dismissed, Root."
Radish left Shining’s office and made his way through the administration halls. Grenadine Splash came out of a side office, staring at a piece of paper she held in her wings.
“Lieutenant, I’m glad I found you.”
“Hello, Miss Splash. What can I help you with?”
“Something funny happened. I was called into the planning office and given this memo. The Potion Bureau has recommended refurbishing the old alchemy building into, and I quote, ‘a large-scale production facility for distillation of botanicals into ethanol-based disinfectants, astringents, palliatives, elixirs, cordials, and aperitifs, overseen by a practiced mixologist, with the surplus of materials to be concocted at said mixologist’s discretion’. And that mixologist is me.”
“Congratulations.”
“It’s basically saying I can have my distillery. And I can make whatever I want as long as I send some base ingredients to the Potion Bureau and their adjuncts every once in a while.”
“That’s great. That could be a big help for Potion Nova and Zecora.”
“You did this for me, didn’t you?”
“I just talked to a friend.”
“Thank you so much!”
She hugged him. He hugged back, and let go as she pulled away.
“Now, remember,” said Radish, “you promised to share the first bottle off the line with me."
"Are you kidding? You can have a lifetime supply!"
"Really?"
"Really. Come by when it's all set up."
"Thank you."
“Have a nice day, lieutenant.”
“Have a nice day, Royal Distiller.”
Radish and Shining armor stood facing each other, swords at the ready. Luna sat down next to Celestia in the bleachers.
“Luna, dear. How are you feeling?”
“Better, now. My head is clear and my strength has returned.”
“Good.”
“Sister, may we speak of Hal… of Harold after this?”
“Yes, but not soon. I’m still sorting my feelings on the matter.”
“I understand.”
They watched Radish advance on Shining Armor, probing his defenses.
“So, what say you, sister- shall we make this interesting?” Luna asked. “I’d wager my Champion beats yours.”
“You don’t have to make it weird, Luna. Radish is fighting to demonstrate his skills to his captain, not to defeat him.”
“Very well, I bet you one bit that Radish scores his first point within the next ten seconds.”
“I think you overestimate-”
“Point!” called the referee.
The audience went wild. Luna looked at her sister, smugly. Celestia looked at her captain, annoyed.
Radish trotted out into the rear of the palace’s commons and gazed out at the lake. It was peaceful, with a few swans lazily floating at its edges. He heard the sounds of rummaging through the cattails. He approached and saw a pink tail and yellow haunches sticking out of the vegetation.
“Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy poked her head out of the grasses. “Oh, Radish. Good timing! Do you have a knife I can borrow? This bird is caught on a string, and I need to cut her loose.”
Radish looked into the cattails, and there was indeed a female Red-winged Blackbird with a string wrapped around her leg. The rest of the string was tangled in the reeds.
Radish took his sword from its scabbard. He cut the string with a quick flick, and the bird flew free and landed on Fluttershy’s head.
“Oh, thank you, Radish! Is that new?”
“Just earned it,” he said, showing her the blade.
“Congrats! Oh, so your first act with it was saving this bird?”
“Guards are here to help.”
“That’s really nice.” She looked up at the bird. “There, there. Let’s get you home.”
She took the bird to a nest in a bush by the lake shore. Radish sheathed his sword and pulled out the rest of the string. It was attached to an official palace yo-yo, purchasable from the gift shop for three bits. Radish put it in a nearby trash can.
“Sorry about the litter. You know tourist kids and their toys.”
She hummed as she helped the bird get settled in.
“Say, uh, Fluttershy…”
She turned to him.
“Hmm?”
“Would you like to go on a date with me this Friday?”
She looked surprised, then saddened, then apologetic.
“Oh, Radish... I’m sorry. I don’t-”
“Never mind. Forget I asked.”
She walked close to Radish. “No, I can’t forget you asked. Because it took you a lot of courage to ask, didn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“And I can never forget when my friends show courage, because that always gives me courage.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m flattered, I really am. But I just don’t see you in that way.”
“I understand.”
“You’ll still be my friend?”
“Always.”
She hugged him. He hugged back.
"Does this mean you’re giving up on Celestia?" she asked.
"No. It means I'm letting go of her."
Radish took a deep breath and walked through the door of the palace’s mental health clinic. He walked up to the registration desk.
“Hi, can I make an appointment with a therapist? I’m a new patient.”
“Sure,” said the clerk. “Fill these out.”
She passed him a clipboard with forms. He took it and sat down. He filled out his personal information, and reached a question about why he was making an appointment. He chewed the pen in his mouth over a few times, then wrote, “Want to sleep with boss” . After that was a question about what he expected to get out of therapy. He wrote, “Stop wanting to sleep with boss”, hoping they’d seen dumber answers than his before.
As he flipped over a page, a poof deposited a dragon mail scroll into the seat next to him. It was addressed to him, from Twilight. He read it.
Dear Radish,
I’m sorry to hear that Halcyon had to leave suddenly. Princess Celestia really seemed to like him. He seemed really interested in getting to know you, too. It’s a shame we won’t learn about his homeland from him, but it makes me all the more determined to spread friendship to every corner of this world. Maybe we’ll see him again someday.
I hear the palace hired a new astronomer. Is it true he’s updating the orrery? That’s a huge project. I’d love it if you put me in touch with him- he sounds really knowledgeable. And what’s this I hear about a royal distillery? Please take me on a tour when it’s ready!
You should get this letter after your sword final. Sorry I couldn’t be there to watch. Let me know how it went. Don’t be too upset if you couldn’t score against Shining Armor- he’s the captain for a reason.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S., Congrats on winning the intramural wrestling tournament. I know you’re probably feeling down about winning on a technicality, but trust me- you got to the end on your own merits. Rainbow Dash says she'd like to test her mettle against you some time, and she doesn’t impress easily.
P.P.S, I think Fluttershy is in the castle today, tending to resident birds. Could you help her with anything she needs?
Radish pocketed the scroll, and finished his forms. He exited the waiting room into the hall, to see Celestia walking toward him.
“Hello, lieutenant.”
“Princess? Do you require something?”
She nodded to the door behind him.
“Yes. Therapy, weekly. Since its invention, actually.”
“Oh. Sorry. It’s none of my business.”
“No.”
Radish started to leave, and Celestia put her hoof on the door. She paused and looked at him.
“I’m sorry for how I treated you,” she said. "Can you forgive me?"
“It's okay. You were only trying to protect me.”
“Yes… and no. Radish, I’ve never known what to do about… us. But it’s not a lie that you’d genuinely be better off giving up on me. I’m sorry- I can’t be for you what you wish I could be. I just can’t fulfill your cutie marks.”
“You’ll never have to. I’ll never ask. I’m happy to be your guard, and your friend.”
“Hmm. I said I was your friend all those years ago. But I’m really not, am I?”
“Well… you and I have never really spent that much time together, I suppose…”
“Let’s change that. Would you like to have dinner with me? We can get to know each other, as friends.”
“I’d like that. And maybe we could make a rule that discussing affairs of the heart is off-limits?”
“Avoiding topics doesn’t make them go away. But we can explore other topics, and see what common interests we might have.”
“Yeah, that would be nice.”
“Radish, you shouldn’t consider yourself similar to Harold. He came to this palace through self-destructive shortcuts and deception. You got here by hard work and honorable, distinguished service.”
“I appreciate that,” Radish said in a low voice, “but I went through some dark days. Had some dark thoughts. Sometimes I wondered how far I would go. What I would end up doing to myself. Or you.”
She frowned. "I’m sorry, Radish. If you'd like to keep shaving your cutie marks, you'd have my permission."
“I don’t want you to start making exceptions for me.”
"I make exceptions for guards all the time. Colonel Jono is allowed to burn incense in his quarters for zebra holidays. Sergeant Gunhilde is permitted a specialized diet. And you merit unique consideration, as well.”
“It’s not a real solution, though. It’s more like retreating from the problem.”
“Well, the option will remain open.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
"And princess, I want you to know that if a real suitor ever comes to court you- someone you actually want to spend your life with- I promise I’ll handle it with dignity, as befitting one of your Guard. And I’d dutifully guard you, your spouse, and your children, to my last breath. I swear it, on my honor.”
Celestia gave Radish a warm smile.“Thank you, Radish. I know you would. Please, take care of yourself.”
“And you as well, princess.”
“I’ll see you later.”
Celestia entered the therapist’s office. Radish went back to work.
The Only Mark That Matters
Thirty Warmbloods quietly converged upon and slipped inside a downtown Canterlot warehouse under the cover of night. They gathered around their leader, a rugged olive-green pegasus mare named Broken Arrow. She spread a number of maps, photographs and timetables across a folding table in the middle of the crowd.
“Okay, listen up. I’m only going over this once. In two days, the palace is sending a resupply of arms and armor to their southern watchtowers. This is the premium stuff: hoof-made by the royal quartermaster. We get these, we’ll be able to go toe-to-toe against anypony who stands in our way.”
“Our way of the Canterlot Central Bank, right?” asked a unicorn mare. “That’s what all this is leading up to, right?”
“The bank is just the beginning! Once we're armed like the guards, we can run this town. We can clean out banks, jewelry stores, museums, anything! We can bust our own people out of prison. The City Watch will be helpless.”
“What about the Royal Guard?” grumbled an earth stallion. “They’ve been giving us trouble lately.”
“Don’t worry about them- we’re about to take out a new insurance policy. Our source in the Watch says a VIP is coming into town- a very VIP. Celestia’s niece.”
“Celestia has a niece? Get out,” scoffed an earth mare.
“Word is she keeps a low profile,” Broken Arrow said. “Been living in Mountreal, but she’s coming into town this weekend. And we’re going to take her hostage.”
“Is she powerful?” asked a donkey.
“Nah. Get this- she’s supposed to be the Princess of Love .”
“Love? ” scoffed a pegasus stallion.
“Yeah. The worst she can do is blow us a kiss. We’ll ambush her here,” Broken Arrow said, pointing to a map of Uptown Canterlot, “and with her in our care, the big horns won’t dare make a move against us. We’ll have the run of the city. Heck, of the country.”
The Warmbloods chattered amongst themselves, salivating at the prospect of what they could do with the full run of Equestria.
“Wow, that’s an ambitious plan!” shouted a voice from above. The Warmbloods all looked to the ceiling to see Gazeta standing on a crossbeam under the rafters. She snapped a photo of the gathering, and they all winced at the brightness of the flash.
“Get her!” howled Broken Arrow.
She leapt off the beam just a number of magic auras converged onto the spot where she had been standing. A blur of yellow and blue swooped through the building and snatched her mid-air. Flash Sentry carried Gazeta through an open skylight and deposited her on the rooftop.
“Are you all right, miss?” Flash asked.
“I’m fine. Wow, you’re fast.”
“Quick as a Flash,” he said with a wink. He dove back inside the building, landed in the center of the gang, and flicked out his spear.
“You folks are under arrest. Keep your hooves, wings, and horns where I can see them.”
Each Warmblood pulled out a long serrated dagger. Broken Arrow pulled out two and held them wide with her wings.
“You got some stones, coming here alone.”
“Oh, you’re never alone when you’re in the Guard. Right, commander?”
The rest of the skylights flung open. Barrel Roller, Radish Root, Spats, and ten other guards dropped into the building, weapons in hoof.
“You got that right,” said Barrel Roller. “Drop ‘em.”
“You think we’re afraid of you guards ?” snickered Broken Arrow. “The Royal Guard is a joke. You lot couldn’t protect a cookie from a toddler. And in case you can’t count, you’re still outnumbered.”
Barrel Roller walked up to Broken Arrow and stared her in the eyes. She re-sheathed her spear. “Then take your best shot, missy.”
Broken Arrow plunged her daggers towards Barrel Roller’s neck. Barrel Roller swatted the daggers away with her wings and headbutted Broken Arrow, who crumpled to the floor. Barrel Roller looked around at the rest of the Warmbloods.
“Anyone else?”
The Warmbloods all dropped their knives.
Gazeta snapped photos of the Royal Guard ushering the shackled Warmbloods into the backs of several patrol wagons. Radish walked up to her.
“Quite a bust for the Guard, eh?” she said.
“And quite a scoop for you,” noted Radish. “Beats peeping on the palace with a zoom lens, huh?”
“I don’t think I’ll need to anymore. Word around town is that Celestia is going to stop casting the censorship spell on the palace. Apparently it was more trouble than it was worth.”
“Hmm. That means tourists will start hounding me for pictures of my cutie marks again.”
“Nah. Once this story hits the stands, no one’s gonna wanna mess with a guard ever again.”
“We couldn’t have done it without you,” said Radish. “Thank you.”
Gazeta looked down and kicked a hoof at the ground. “Hey, uh… I don’t normally do this…”
“Hmm?”
“...and I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who goes for a guy in uniform. But I was wondering… do you… uh…”
“Yes?”
“...do you know if Flash Sentry is single?”
“I think he is.”
“Really? Great! Thank you!”
“No problem.”
Gazeta sat down in a booth in Horns and Hardcart with a cup of coffee and a late-night meal. She went over her notes of the bust. A hefty seafoam green unicorn stallion with a gray mane sat down opposite her.
“Miss Gazeta.”
“Oh, hi. I’ve got to thank you. You were right about the train. And the hideouts. And this bust has given me new leads to follow- don’t be surprised if you see an exposé on the Watch in the coming weeks.”
“Sounds like your career is on an upswing.”
“Oh, yeah! This is going to send the Tribune straight to the top! True crime stories make much better reading than all that ‘who’s Celestia in love with’ pap.”
“Has the Royal Guard offered you a reward for the intel you provided?”
“That commander wants to meet me tomorrow morning. I think that’s what she wants to talk about.”
“I believe she’s going to offer you a job in the royal press corps. I think you should take it.”
“What? Why? Then I’d just be a mouthpiece for the crowns.”
“Do you know what palace correspondents make?”
“Not really.”
The unicorn put a slip of paper on the table between them. She looked at it. She took a sip of coffee.
“Yeah, I think I’ll be taking the job.”
“Good.”
“So, what are you expecting to get out of all this?”
The unicorn reached out a hoof. “A new friend, I hope?”
Gazeta smiled and shook it. “Want some pie? My treat.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Thousands of dragons filled the skies over Canterlot. The Great Dragon Migration was deep into its first day.
Radish and Spats watched from one of the castle’s highest balconies. Spats watched reclining in a lounge chair, sipping a highball. Radish observed the flock intently through his binoculars, scribbling down notes.
“Lots of needle morphs up there,” noted Radish.
“Is that significant?” asked Spats.
“I don’t know. But it’s interesting.”
“And this thing happens how often?”
“The saying is ‘once in a generation’,” replied Radish, checking his pocket watch.
“A pony generation or a dragon generation?”
“Neither, actually. That saying comes from the Codex Magnus. All the recorded dragon migrations have actually happened at seemingly random intervals, ranging from years to centuries apart. We’re not sure what triggers it.”
Spats sipped his drink. “I wonder how Spike’s handling this. Think he’s feeling some kind of instinct to join them?”
“Good question. He could be feeling a tug-of-war between nature and nurture right now. The Plains Rangers used to write his parents for information about his development- instincts, behaviors, cravings. They never responded.”
“That is pretty invasive, Rad.”
“Not as invasive as what the REFs wanted. They wanted to perform penetration tests on his scales… while he was in them. Night Light told them to go penetrate themselves.”
“Special delivery for Radish Root!”
Radish and Spats looked up. A gray pegasus mare in a Ponyville mail uniform was hovering over the balcony, holding out an envelope.
“I’m Radish Root,” he said, taking the letter.
“And I’m Spats!” said Spats. “Thank you for your hard work, miss.”
The girl smiled, then flew off. Spats watched her go as Radish read the letter.
“So what’s up?” asked Spats.
“It’s a letter from Applejack. We got our answer. She says Spike joined the migration.”
“Ooh. That should be interesting.”
“Historical, more like.” Radish stared up at the skies. “We could learn everything we always wanted to know about dragons from him after he returns.”
“If he returns. Maybe he’ll meet a cute dragon girl, settle down, start a clutch…”
“Living the dream, huh?” Radish referred back to the letter. “She says Twilight, Dash, and Rarity are tailing Spike.”
“Do they want your help?”
“Actually, Fluttershy is freaking out over the dragons. Applejack is asking me to come help calm her down.”
“In Ponyville? Now?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“You know, I’ve never been to Ponyville. I hear it’s nice.”
“Sure, but… you just want to see that mailmare again, don’t you?”
“You saw the way she was looking at me.”
“I couldn’t tell which way she was looking, actually.”
Radish and Spats stepped off the Friendship Express onto the Ponyville station platform.
“All right,” said Radish, “the post office is that way. I’m going that way. Good luck.”
Spats checked his look in the reflection of a station window. “Thanks, Rad. Know any good mail jokes I can use as an icebreaker?”
“Well, the secret to any good mail joke is in the delivery.”
“Ah ha. See you later.”
They split up. Radish walked to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack saw him coming down the path and waved him to follow her.
“Thanks for comin’, Radish.”
“I should thank you. I’ve always wanted to see Sweet Apple Acres. It’s one of the most famous farms in Equestria.”
“Well, I’ll give you the insider tour if you help me with Fluttershy.”
“Where is she?”
“Over here.” Applejack pointed to her farmhouse’s cellar doors. “She’s been down there all day.”
Radish tried the doors. They didn’t budge. He knocked on them.
“Fluttershy? Are you down there?”
“No!” shouted Fluttershy, from down there.
“Fluttershy, it’s okay. We’re not in danger.”
“Not in danger!? Have you not seen the sky full of massive, ferocious, fire-breathing dragons!? ” she wailed.
Radish sat down on the ground next to the doors.
“Look, Fluttershy, during a dragon migration, the safest place to be is right underneath their flyway.”
“You’re lying.”
“No. Migrating dragons fill their bellies before they start their journey. They fly on pure instinct, so they don’t pay attention to what’s below them. And flying for days at a time is fatiguing. All those dragons above us are too well-fed to want to eat us, too single-minded to notice us, and too tired to come looking for a fight.”
There was a pause.
“Oh… I should have realized that,” said Fluttershy, softly. “It’s the same with a lot of animals’ migrations.”
“So, feel like comin’ out now?” asked Applejack.
There was a clunk from inside. The cellar doors creaked open. Fluttershy stood at the top of the stairs, looking sheepish.
“I’m sorry. I let my fears get the best of me. Again.”
Applejack hugged her. “It’s alright, sugar cube. This is hardly a regular Tuesday.”
“And Radish, you came out here just to comfort me?” Fluttershy asked.
“I said I’d be your friend, always.”
She pulled him into the hug with her wings. “Thank you.”
“No problem.”
Radish, Applejack, and Fluttershy sat on the farmhouse’s porch and watched the Great Dragon Migration. Radish continued to take notes.
“It looks like a lot of them have holes in their wings,” noted Fluttershy. “What causes that?”
“We don’t know,” said Radish. “Some ponies think that even dragons have predators. Beasts so big, the dragons have to swarm them to drive them away.”
Fluttershy cradled herself. “Radish, that’s terrifying.”
“Yeah. But maybe it’s the dragon population that keeps those beasts from wandering into Equestria. And maybe the migration developed to redistribute their numbers, so there would always be enough to keep them at bay.”
“Oh. Like they’re protecting us without realizing it? That’s an interesting idea.”
“Y’know, a dragon lives just past the Everfree,” said Applejack. “Spike stumbled into his cave when he was feudin’ with Twilight’s owl.”
“He wrote me about that,” said Radish. “It’s probably been here since before Ponyville was founded. Did anypony see it take off and join the flock?”
“Dash said she did,” said Applejack.
“Hmm…” said Fluttershy, looking down.
“What’s up, Fluttershy?” asked Applejack.
“If he’s gone to join the migration, then that means his cave is unguarded. I hope nopony tries to steal any of his treasure while he’s gone.”
“Yeah,” chuckled Radish, “if he came back and found any of his hoard missing, he would go ballistic. He would probably tear Ponyville apart trying to get back what’s his.”
The three friends went silent.
“Uh, nopony in Ponyville would be dumb enough to steal from a dragon’s hoard, would they?” asked Radish.
Applejack and Fluttershy looked at each other.
“Well…” said Applejack, rubbing the back of her head, “Rarity tried to steal from that red dragon… right in front of it.”
“Sheesh.”
“She learned her lesson, though.”
“Okay, and no one else?”
“I can’t think of any,” said Fluttershy.
“That’s good.”
They continued to watch the migration. Radish reached the end of his notebook. Applejack watched him close it up and put it away.
“Hey, Radish, Dash told me about how Apple Bloom went and pestered you about your cutie marks. I gave her a good talkin’-to. I promise she’ll leave you alone.”
“Thanks. Where is she, anyway? This could be educational for her. Maybe she can get a dragon-related cutie mark.”
“She’s been out with her friends all day.”
“All day? Huh,” said Radish, putting a hoof to his chin.
“What?” asked Applejack.
“You don’t think they’d try to go after the dragon’s hoard, do you?”
“Radish! Are you accusin’ my baby sister of bein’ a low-down, no-good, dirty rotten sneak-thief?”
“Sorry.”
Applejack looked out across the landscape. She grunted. “Stay here.”
She scurried inside the house. Radish and Fluttershy heard the sounds of rummaging. A moment later, she came scurrying back out. “Dagnabbit! That’s exactly what they’re doin’!”
The three galloped down the path from Sweet Apple Acres.
“My good shovel, Apple Bloom’s little red wagon, and Big Macintosh’s brand-new burlap sacks are all missin’,” said Applejack as they ran.
“Treasure-hauling supplies,” surmised Radish.
“Right,” said Applejack. “Those three are in a lot of trouble.”
“If they disturb that dragon’s hoard, the whole town is in a lot of trouble,” said Fluttershy. “How do we get to the dragon’s cave?”
“We’ll ask Owlowiscious! He knows the way!” said Applejack.
The three of them reached Twilight’s home. The door was locked and no lights were on.
“Owlowiscious?” called Fluttershy. There was no response.
"He must be out feeding,” said Radish.
"He can’t be. There's no restaurants in Ponyville open this late,” said Pinkie Pie.
Radish, Applejack, and Fluttershy looked. Pinkie Pie was now alongside them.
“Pinkie Pie? What are you doing here?” asked Fluttershy.
“You didn’t think you’d leave me out of this adventure, did you? I’m the only one left!"
“Do you know where the nearby dragon cave is?” asked Radish.
“The nearby what now?”
“Radish, you’re the one who knows about dragons,” said Applejack. “Do you think you could find it?”
Radish looked around. “Hmm. Fluttershy, can you fly me up high for a better look at the landscape?”
“Uh… okay.” She gripped Radish by his torso and flapped. She struggled to get him off the ground. “Eeeeh. Radish, you are really heavy.”
“It’s all muscle,” he said pointedly.
“Here, lemme give ya a boost,” said Applejack. She positioned herself under them, then bucked them both straight up.
They flew skyward. Fluttershy wailed and flailed. She held Radish and spread her wings, attempting to glide them down safely. They landed roughly on the upper balcony of Twilight’s library. Radish helped Fluttershy up.
“Applejack!” she yelled. “How about a warning next time!?”
Radish scanned the horizon with his binoculars. He could see a swath of damaged trees in a straight line, as if something massive had crashed through them during a takeoff. He smiled.
“I see something. Dragon signs. It’s less than an hour east of here.
“Oh, that dragon cave?” called Pinkie Pie. “Yeah, I know that one.”
The four of them took a path leading from the town’s outskirts and into nearby woods. Pinkie Pie led while Radish kept an eye out for danger.
“Ta-da!” said Pinkie Pie in a loud whisper, pointing to a clearing. Beyond the clearing was the mouth of a cave in the side of a large hill.
Pinkie Pie noticed a piece of paper stuck to the side of the cave’s entrance. “Aww. He never brought it inside.”
Radish looked at it over her shoulder. It was an advertisement for the bakery she worked at.
“You came to this cave to deliver a flier?”
“The coupon is still good, if you want it.”
Radish examined the ground. “I don’t think the Crusaders came through here. There’s no wagon wheel tracks or filly hoofprints. But look-”
He pointed to a set of adult hoofprints leading into the cave. “Someone is here. We need to stop them.”
Pinkie Pie stuck her hooves into a set of the prints. “Hey, they’re my size! I hope it’s not me from the future in there, come back in time to rob the past.”
“If it is, could you remember to not do that?” asked Radish.
“You got it!”
He warily entered the cave. The others followed.
The cave was quite large, certainly large enough for a dragon. It continued deep inside the earth. As they rounded a corner into another chamber, they were greeted with dim yellow light, like that from a lantern. They heard clattering noises. Radish stopped and held up a hoof, motioning the others to keep quiet. They peeked around the next corner.
In the largest, deepest chamber were mountains of jewels and gold. Digging through the peak of one of the piles was a crimson earth mare with a long scarlet mane.
It was Fetching Steps.
"Dammit,” growled Radish. “The cherry tart is here."
"My cousin Cherry Tart is here!?" asked Pinkie Pie excitedly. Radish pulled the girls back.
“No. That mare in there is a dangerous covert agent with advanced skills working for an unknown player,” said Radish in a low voice. “She’s interfered with Royal Guard business and stolen important items.”
“Ooh, like your heart?” asked Pinkie Pie, nudging him.
“No. I’m going to confront her. I want you three to take ambush positions in the tunnel. If she tries to escape, take her down.”
“Take her down? ” asked Fluttershy, skeptically.
“Radish, we ain’t yer guard squad,” said Applejack. “Let’s just go in there and talk with her.”
“Ah ha!” yelled Fetching Steps, pulling a small golden box out of the pile. It was embossed with a coat of arms that Radish couldn’t make out. She opened it and smiled at its contents.
Radish stomped into the chamber. “All right, drop it.”
She turned and gasped. “Whoa! Lieutenant Radish Root! I haven’t seen you since the cruise!”
“They were on a cruise?” muttered Applejack, raising an eyebrow.
“What are you doing here?” demanded Radish. “What’s in that case?”
Fetching Steps dropped the case into her saddle bag. “How’ve you been? How are the bats?”
“You need to put that back. If the dragon sees something missing, it’ll be enraged. No one will be safe.”
“Nah, a certain amount of theft is built into the system. It’s the cost of doing business.”
“Now, look here, missy,” said Applejack, entering the chamber with Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie in tow, “this ain’t no laughin’ matter.”
She looked at them and frowned. “You brought… them?” she asked Radish disappointedly.
“Any reason I shouldn’t have?”
“Yeah, five’s a crowd.”
She kicked at the pile of treasure she was standing on. It collapsed, sending a wave of gems at Radish. He jumped back. She surfed the wave past him and bolted for the cave entrance.
“Get her!” yelled Radish.
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy awkwardly tried to form a line to block her escape. As she ran towards them, a low rumble filled the cavern. Cracks in the cave floor split open in her path. Fetching Steps skidded to a stop while the other girls stumbled back.
The ground erupted with a burst of dust. A large creature resembling a flat copper alligator crawled out of the hole.
“Oh my!” exclaimed Fluttershy. “It’s a gharbuncle!”
“Is that bad?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“No. They only eat precious metals. They only attack creatures who-”
The gharbuncle reared up between the girls, roaring from a massive maw full of far too many teeth.
“-intrude into their feeding grounds. Oh my.”
The gharbuncle plunged toward Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy. They scattered. Radish grabbed it by its tail. Its scales were like jagged scrap metal. They cut into Radish’s arms, and he lost his grip.
Applejack produced her lasso from under her hat and snagged the creature’s mouth shut. It whipped its head, flinging her across the room. She landed in a pile of gems.
The gharbuncle turned its attention to Pinkie Pie. It pulled off the lasso and snarled.
“Uh, could I interest you in a coupon for half off select baked goods?” she asked, backing away. The beast pounced at her.
“Pinkie Pie!” cried Fetching Steps. She leapt and shoved Pinkie Pie to safety. The gharbuncle clamped down on Fetching Steps’s tail and yanked her into the air, slamming her into a wall and then the floor. She moaned in pain. It put its jaws around her head.
“Hey!” shouted Radish. The gharbuncle turned to look at him. He was holding up a small antique silver coin.
Radish put the coin in his mouth and swallowed it. The gharbuncle hissed with fury.
“Yeah, that’s right,” said Radish. “I’m going to eat all this treasure before you can! Better come and stop me!”
It ran at Radish. Radish readied his fighting stance.
Fluttershy flew up in between them, held her hooves out wide, and howled, “STOP!”
The beast stopped. Fluttershy put her hooves on her hips and glared at it reproachfully. It gave a sheepish look and made a series of whines at her.
“Oh, really? You poor dear,” said Fluttershy. She landed by its side and patted it. “Gary here says this used to be his cave, before the dragon took it over and kicked him out.”
“Aww, that’s so sad,” said Pinkie Pie.
Fluttershy turned back to Gary. “But you really should have started with that, instead of trying to kill us. And Radish! Eating its food? He needs to fatten up to attract a mate!”
“I… really?” asked Radish.
“And you !” Fluttershy said, looming over Fetching Steps. “If you hadn’t come in here plundering, none of this would have happened!”
“Uh… sorry?”
“Now, you put that case back, and we can all go home,” ordered Fluttershy.
Fetching Steps looked around. Radish, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Gary had her surrounded.
“Okay, okay.” She pulled the case out and set it down. Gary snapped it up and gulped it down.
Fetching Steps scowled. “Well, that sucks. Be seeing you.”
She headed toward the cave exit. Radish stood in her path.
“You’re not going anywhere. You’re under arrest.”
She grinned. “Sure, lieutenant. Did you bring your cuffs, or did you just want to hold my hoof all the way to Canterlot?"
"Applejack, hog-tie her," said Radish.
Fetching Steps winked at Applejack. "Well, as much fun as that would be… "
She dropped herself into the hole in the cavern floor, kicking its sides as she fell. The hole collapsed and filled in behind her.
“Hey!” called Radish. He tried to dig after her, and found moving the debris impossible. Gary made a grunt to Fluttershy.
“He says that he dug tunnels all over the place. She could come out anywhere,” said Fluttershy.
“Blast,” said Radish. “I wonder what she came here for.”
“Oh, probably this,” said Pinkie Pie. She pulled a small black bottle from behind herself.
“What’cha got there, Pinkie Pie?” asked Applejack.
“I saw her sneak it out of that box and tuck it into her hair when Gary popped up. I yoinked it and replaced it with my emergency jar of jelly beans when she grabbed me.”
“How are you so good at sleight-of-hoof?” asked Radish.
“From playing jacks with my sisters.”
They looked at the bottle.
“It’s an inkwell,” said Fluttershy.
“No markings,” noted Radish.
“But that bottle is mighty old. They don’t make glass like that anymore,” said Applejack.
Gary grunted dismissively.
“He says we can keep it,” said Fluttershy. “He can’t eat it.”
“Here,” said Pinkie Pie, giving it to Radish. “I can tell you want it the most.”
“Thanks,” said Radish, putting it in his bag. “I need to figure out what this was all about.”
“But what are we going to do about that dragon?” asked Applejack. “When he gets back, he’s gonna be mighty steamed at Gary here.”
“Leave that to me,” said Fluttershy. “I’ll sit them down together and make them make peace.”
“You’re not afraid?” asked Radish.
“I’m more afraid of what will happen if I don’t.”
Radish shook Gary’s foreclaw. “Take care. Good luck attracting a mate.”
Gary grunted.
“He said, ‘you too’,” translated Fluttershy.
“Heh. Thanks.”
The four ponies left the cave and made their way back to Ponyville. They reached town square and found the Cutie Mark Crusaders sitting inside a gazebo. They were attentively gathered around Spats, who seemed to be recounting a tale to them.
“Hiya, Rad,” said Spats. “Hello, ladies.”
“Oh, hi, Mister Root,” said Apple Bloom, warily.
“Girls?” said Applejack. “Y’all were in town this whole time?”
“Well, we were going to go out and get cutie marks for mushroom-hunting,” said Scootaloo, pointing to their wagon, sacks, and shovel by the gazebo.
“But it’s not the season for mushrooms,” said Fluttershy.
“That’s what I told them,” said Spats. “Then they started asking me about my cutie mark, so I got into that whole story…”
“So now we’ve got a new goal to shoot for!” said Sweetie Belle.
“You three want to be guards?” asked Radish.
“No, lawyers!” the fillies said in unison.
Applejack frowned. “Uh… we can talk about this later.”
Radish and Spats sat on a bench on the train platform, waiting for the next train to Canterlot.
“So, did you find your mailmare?” asked Radish.
“She was still out on deliveries. But I met a very cute teacher at the post office. Long story short, we’ve got a spa date next week.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“How was your day?” asked Spats.
“I swallowed a coin," said Radish.
“What, on purpose?”
“It was a spur-of-the-moment impulse. Do you think I should see a doctor?”
“Nah, just be on the lookout for any change.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“So, they refused to move their campsite, and as drunk as they were, there’s no way I could have put them all under arrest without bloodshed,” recounted Radish.
“Then, what did you do?” asked Celestia.
“I, uh, came back at midnight… dressed as a ghost. Made a bunch of spooky moans and rattled chains.”
Celestia gave Radish a stern look. “Radish, don’t tell me that actually worked.”
“They hopped in their cart and sped off. Never saw them again.”
Celestia leaned back in her chair and laughed. “The resourcefulness of Plains Rangers never ceases to amaze me.”
Radish shrugged. “When you work alone, you have to get creative.”
Dinner with Celestia -just as friends- had been going well. They shared a simple meal on her tower’s balcony, and the semi-public setting was putting Radish at ease. He had spent half the night regaling her with anecdotes from his Ranger days, which always flowed naturally from him.
Celestia caught sight of something in the sky. Against the sunset, an ornate pink carriage was coming in for a landing accompanied by multiple pegasus guards.
“Ah,” she said, “she’s here. Ahead of schedule, too.”
“That’s your niece? If you’d like to go meet her, I understand.”
“No, I’ll give Shining Armor some alone time with her first. I believe he has something special planned.”
“I see.”
Radish watched the carriage land behind a building. He sighed and frowned.
“Are you okay, Radish?”
“It’s just… reckless.”
“What is?”
“We knew Princess Cadenza was being targeted, yet she still came in on a very conspicuous transport, along a very predictable route. ”
“You’re concerned about her security arrangements? What would you have done differently?”
“Well, I’d send that carriage, but she wouldn’t be in it- it’d be a decoy. I’d have a royal cargo train arrive the same day, and it would be packed with guards.”
“Radish, Cadance went incognito on a cargo train years ago. Bandits still found out and made a play for her.”
“I know, that’s why the train would be a decoy, too.”
“Two decoys? Then where would the real Cadance be?
"Canterlot gets shipments of ice wine from Quebuck. She could be concealed inside a cask on a cargo cart. It’s a niche product, so robbers would ignore it.”
“That’s a three-day journey. Both ways. You want to cram my niece into a barrel for the better part of a week?”
“It’s still a lot nicer than what kidnappers would do to her.”
“Radish, I appreciate the thought. But one of the privileges of being a princess is getting to travel as a passenger, not freight.”
“Okay. Sorry.”
“But I do want to personally thank you for uncovering the plot to kidnap her,” said Celestia, warmly.
Radish looked aside. “Oh I, uh, just passed some intel along. Their plan never would have worked, anyway.”
“Nonetheless, I am grateful. Thank you, Radish.”
“You’re welcome. I just hope that’s the last time anyone threatens a princess.”
“Wouldn't that be nice?”
Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Captain Shining Armor stepped into the captain’s home, nuzzling each other.
“I can’t wait to see Twilight again,” she said. “Do you think she’ll remember me?”
“Of course she will!” assured Shining Armor.
“And she really has friends now? True friends?”
“Yeah, it’s great. I’ve never seen her so happy.”
“And one of them’s a guard? A stallion ?”
“Uh huh.”
“Is he cute?”
Shining rolled his eyes. He floated a file folder from his desk into her hooves. “You tell me.”
“What’s this?”
“He’s the same guard that you're meeting with.”
“Oh, really?” She read through the file. She smiled. “You must have a soft spot for him.”
“What makes you say that?”
“It says here he abandoned his duties during the Nightmare Moon crisis, but only got cleaning duty as punishment.”
“If you’d seen those tunnels, you’d know that was no slap on the wrist.”
“How come his cutie mark isn’t in here?”
“That’s, uh, a big part of what he needs to talk to you about.”
“Oh, I think I know what this is about. I’ll help any way I can.”
“Thanks.”
“Wait… his name is Root? Luna’s mentioned a Lieutenant Root in her letters. She writes about him with a very fond tone.”
Shining Armor sighed. “Yeah, it’s the same guy.”
“Wow, he gets around, huh?”
“You have no idea.”
Shining Armor led Cadance to a table where dinner for two was set, along with a bottle of champagne chilling in an ice bucket.
“I hope you’re hungry,” said Shining Armor.
“I’m famished,” said the princess. “Thank you!”
He felt the ring box in his pocket. He took a deep breath.
Radish rolled up his left sleeve and showed Celestia a short curved scar on his upper foreleg. “...and I got this one from a joint snake.”
“That doesn’t look like a snakebite,” noted Celestia.
“No, it had a knife.”
Celesia cocked her eyebrows. “Radish, have you been telling me tall tales all night?”
“Ma’am! I would never… what is that?”
A bright pink flare shot out from behind one of the palace buildings. It zoomed spiraling into the sky, then exploded.
The sky cracked like thunder. An expanding shockwave of light burned across the castle’s airspace, heading right toward Radish and Celestia.
“Get down, ma’am!” howled Radish.
He leapt off his chair, vaulted over the table, and hurled himself at Celestia, knocking her to the floor and shielding her body with his own. He held her face tight into his chest as the blast wave passed over them. Radish felt his fur tingle all over. The noise subsided.
Radish looked into Celestia’s face. “Ma’am, are you okay?”
Celestia smiled. “Radish… look.”
Radish looked up at the sky. Hovering above the castle was a massive glowing pink heart, spinning like a top and spitting out smaller hearts. Each of these smaller hearts burst like a firework into a dozen tiny hearts, which were drifting down around the palace like snowflakes.
“What… is that?” asked Radish.
“It’s joy, Radish. A burst of pure joy from the Princess of Love. I believe Shining Armor finally summoned up the courage to pop the question.”
“That came from your niece? Whoa.”
Celestia looked Radish in the eye. “Uh, Radish? You can get off me now.”
“Oh. Forgive me.” He worked to untangle his limbs from her.
“Aunt Celestia! Wonderful news!” called a youthful voice. A pink alicorn in a school blazer flew up from below the balcony. “Shining just-”
She saw Radish laying on top of Celestia. She put her hooves to her mouth and fluttered back a bit.
“Oh! I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were, uh, with someone.”
“No!” gasped Radish, “We were just-”
“Don’t let me interrupt! We can catch up later!”
Princess Cadenza flew away.
“Wait!” called Radish.
She was gone. Radish got off Celestia and helped her to her feet.
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
Celestia smirked. “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll explain it to her later. She'll understand- Shining Armor has also tackled me for my own protection.”
“Really? What happened?”
“A bee flew too close to me.”
The two walked to the balcony railing and watched the hearts drift down. Celestia caught one in her aura. “I think I’ll save one of these.”
She cast a spell to encase the heart with a crystal ball. She held it and examined it. Radish saw a note of wistfulness in her eyes.
“Ma’am,” said Radish, “I meant what I said, about you finding love. If you ever meet someone who makes you want to fill the sky with hearts, I promise I’ll support you one-hundred percent.”
“That’s sweet, Radish. But I also meant what I said, all those years ago. My duty to Equestria will always come first.” She smiled at the heart in her hooves. “But I can still be happy for Cadance. And when you find that special someone, I'll be happy for you, too.”
"Hmm.” Radish looked at the display of glowing hearts in the sky. “I don't suppose you have any other nieces?"
“Sorry. Can I interest you in a nephew?”
“I’ll pass.”
Princess Cadenza landed on her fiancé’s porch and reentered the dwelling.
“So, how did Celestia react?” asked Shining Armor, eagerly.
She looked down. “She was, uh… occupied. I’ll tell her later.”
“Oh? Okay. Then, how about we start planning the wedding? Or have you been planning it since you were a little filly?” asked Shining Armor.
She smiled. “Oh, I just want something small and simple. And soon.”
“How soon?”
“How about this weekend?”
“You realize that Canterlot society will be expecting something big for a royal wedding? They’ll want the wedding of the century.”
“That’s just not me, Shiny. Fancy dresses, pricey cakes, and a million strangers watching us? I’d rather just have an intimate get-together with close friends and family.”
“All right. But my parents will balk if there’s no cake.”
“Yeah. As I recall, Celestia has a bit of a sweet tooth, as well.”
“Here, Radish, try one of these,” said Celestia, floating a plate of chocolate tortes to him. “They’re my new favorite dessert.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
They heard a knock at the door.
“Excuse me, Radish.” Celestia left the balcony to answer it. She spoke with a messenger pony. She turned back to Radish with a frown.
“Radish… it’s Harold.”
She flew over to Radish, touched her horn to his head, and teleported them both. They reappeared in the medical center lobby. The night receptionist recoiled in surprise. She showed them to Harold’s room, where a doctor stood by Harold’s bed. Harold was sleeping.
“We received your message,” said Celestia. “What’s the situation?”
“He had been responding well to the latest course of potions,” said the doctor. “It’s repaired a lot of the damage he did to himself. He’ll be very weak, but he may live for years now.”
“That’s good,” said Radish.
“But just a few moments ago, he fell into a coma. We can’t determine what happened.”
Celestia looked closely. “Hmm. He’s dreaming. You can tell by his eyelids.”
“Yes, and that’s a new development,” said the doctor. “We think his experiment inverted the dream centers of his brain. It gave him the power to project daydreams, but left him unable to dream while sleeping.”
“But now that he’s lost his power,” said Celestia, “his mind may be making up for lost time. He could be plunging so deep into the dream lands that he can’t find his way back.”
“Can you get him out?” Radish asked Celestia.
“I”m afraid my own skills with dreams are limited. Only Luna can retrieve him.”
“Oh…” said Radish, looking down. “But he caused Luna so much pain…”
“I doubt she’d refuse to help him out of spite,” said Celestia. "But perhaps it would be best if the request came from you?”
“Aye, ma’am. I’ll talk to her. She should be finished with breakfast by now, so she’ll be in an agreeable mood.”
“Absolutely not ,” said Princess Luna firmly.
“Ma’am…”
“Harold’s mad experiment nearly tore the dream world and my own mind asunder. Being trapped in his own dreams is poetic justice.”
“Princess, you’d really leave one of your own subjects languishing like that, when you could save him?”
“‘Tis a punishment which fits his crimes.”
“What if I made it a personal request?”
“How can you be so forgiving of his misdeeds?” asked Luna. “Look at what he did to you!”
She pointed to an object on her bedroom wall. Radish approached it for a better look. It looked like a framed slab of marble with a small crack running lengthwise through it.
“Uh, what is that?” asked Radish.
“That is a piece of the throne room floor, where he body-slammed you into it!”
“Really? I cracked the floor? And you kept it?”
“It is a testament to your resilience, and a reminder that enemies come in all guises.”
Radish turned to face Luna.
“Princess Luna, I’m all healed from that match. But he may never be.” He kneeled in front of her and bowed his head. “Please. Save him. I beg you.”
Luna sighed resignedly. She approached Radish with a bashful smile and lifted his head to her. “Compassion. Selflessness. Mercy. These are more than just virtues- for a princess, they are duties. Thank you for reminding me of my duties. I will help Harold.”
“We both know you didn’t need reminding. You were always going to save him.”
“Perhaps.” She placed a hoof on Radish's shoulder. “And perhaps I simply wanted to give you an opportunity to make me proud again.”
“I’m always proud to make you proud.”
She bent close to him. “I’ve not yet thanked you for saving me from my agony.”
“I didn’t even know I was doing it.”
She leaned closer. “I know. Even unwittingly, you come to my rescue.”
“Aunt Luna? Are you up?” Princess Cadenza landed on the balcony and entered Luna’s bedroom. “You’ll never guess-”
She saw Luna and Radish, with their faces very close together. Her eyes went wide. Radish froze. She turned around and flew off without another word.
“Niece Cadance? Come back!” called Luna.
She was gone. Radish sighed. “Sorry, Princess Luna.”
“Fret not. What matters now is Harold’s rescue.”
“Thank you, princess.”
“Had you met Cadance before?”
“Just briefly.”
“Well? What did Luna say?” asked Shining Armor.
“She was… also occupied.”
“Wow, busy night.”
“You have no idea.”
They sat on the sofa for a while together, watching the fireplace crackle. Shining Armor held Cadance close.
“So, our first night as an engaged couple. How about we… celebrate?” he said, playfully nodding to his bedroom door. She giggled.
There was a knock at the door. The couple groaned. Shining Armor answered the door and spoke with an officer. They discussed something at length, and then he closed the door with a determined look on his face.
“What’s the matter?” asked Cadance.
“We’ve got trouble. But don’t worry, your handsome Guard Captain will protect you.”
He walked to the patio and shot a beam into the air. A glowing pink bubble encased all of Canterlot.
“Shiny? What’s going on?”
“The princesses have issued a security alert. We’re at Threat Level Grande.”
“Oh, dear. The city may panic. I should get out there and comfort the people.”
“That’s the last thing you should do!”
“Shiny, I have to. It’s my specialty. It’s my duty.”
Shining Armor sighed. “All right. But only in the daytime, and only with me, and a double squad of guards, at your side.”
“Okay. I think we should put the wedding on hold until this is over.”
“Yeah, I understand. But that just gives me all the more motivation to find this threat and stop it.”
“I know you can handle it.”
They nuzzled.
“Hey, check it out,” said Shining, pointing to the window. Multicolored points of light were flashing in his backyard.
“Oh, the fireflies! I’ve missed them.” She walked out to the back porch and gazed appreciatively at the fireflies around her. “They come in so many colors here.”
“Stay there. I’ll bring you a drink.”
He turned and busied himself pouring two flute glasses of champagne. A bright green flash illuminated the room from behind him.
He turned back to his fiancée. “Whoa, that must have been a huge bug!”
She scowled. “What do you mean? ”
“That green light. It must have been some firefly!”
“Uh huh.”
He went to her and gave her a champagne flute. She held it and sniffed at it.
“Dear,” she said, “how long does that… big shield spell of yours last?”
“I’ll maintain it as long as I need to. And with you by my side, giving me strength, I bet I can keep it up for weeks.”
“Weeks? ”
“But it won’t come to that. I’ll have this threat sorted so fast, we won’t even have to delay the wedding.”
“The wedding. Right. You know, I have some thoughts on that.”
“We can go over the details later.” He draped a hoof across her shoulders. “I believe we were just about to head upstairs…”
She rolled her eyes and brushed off his hoof. “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”
“Oh, you do?”
“Yes. And you know what? It looks like you do, too.”
“No, I don’t.”
Her horn glowed green. She grinned and pressed it to his forehead.
“Yes. You do .”
The Only Mark That Matters
48. The Wedding, Part 1: Invitations
Shining Armor paced the briefing room podium determinedly. Radish and the rest of the guards leaned forward in their seats, eager to learn more about the alert status.
“Guards,” said Shining, “we’ve got a situation. Last night, Princess Luna intercepted intel about an imminent attack on Canterlot. We don’t know the exact nature of the threat, but it doesn’t matter- you train every day to face the unknown. I want all of you to stay alert and watch each others’ backs.
“The palace will be closed to tourists for the time being, freeing up guards to concentrate in critical areas. Princess Celestia and Princess Luna will be suspending their typical duties to take turns as Royal Overwatchers.”
The guards muttered amongst themselves. Royal Overwatching was an ancient tradition, during which a royal visibly stands alert over their domain, scanning the land for trouble using spell-enhanced scopes. It was largely symbolic, but symbols have power, even to Equestria’s enemies.
“The citywide shield will be up until further notice. City Watch is enforcing an eight o’clock curfew, and the Wonderbolts will be doing regular sky sweeps. Travel in and out of Canterlot will be restricted, and communications will be limited and monitored. Your letters home will have to wait until this is over.”
The muttering in the ranks turned to grumbling. No one had lived through anything like this before. Some of this seemed borderline unconstitutional.
“But there is some positive news. Canterlot will soon be hosting a royal wedding.” He smiled. “Mine. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was silly enough to accept my proposal.”
The crowd erupted with cheers and applause.
“The ceremony is going to be held in the palace. All of Canterlot is invited. Princess Celestia herself will officiate…”
The cheers got louder.
“...and it’s all going to happen this Saturday!”
The crowd stopped applauding, and the cheers shifted into a confused din. The guards all eyed each other nervously. Several hooves shot up.
“Yes, I know, it seems sudden. But Cadance and I had a long talk about it. She doesn't want to wait to start our new lives together, and neither do I. And Equestria’s been through a lot the past couple years- Nightmare Moon, Discord, all those parasprite infestations. We owe it to the people, to our guests, and to ourselves to throw the wedding of the century.”
One guard, Colonel Spearhead, gave up on raising his hoof and just spoke up.
“Sir, we can’t make security arrangements in that amount of time!”
More guards took their cue to shout out their misgivings.
“Don’t guests need invitations months in advance?”
“How can we have a wedding during a threat!?”
“Who’s even planning this!?”
“Guys!” laughed Shining Armor. “I’ve been thinking about this wedding every day since I started dating Cadance. You’ve all guarded large-scale events in the palace before. As far as I’m concerned, we’re all prepared. All we’ll need to secure is a few buildings where the guests will concentrate.
“The invitations are going out by dragon mail as we speak, but Canterlot society doesn't need an invitation to come party at the palace, all they need is an excuse. And as for the threat…”
He looked sternly at his guards.
“If we let this enemy derail a royal wedding, they’ve already won. We’re not going to let that happen. We are going to hold our heads up high and say ‘I do’, without fear. That’s the Equestrian way.”
Radish had never heard “the Equestrian way” defined in those terms. He had never heard that phrase before at all.
“And as for who’s planning this, who else? I’m choosing my own sister, Twilight Sparkle, as the wedding planner… and my best mare!”
There were some more positive mutters now. Everyone had a lot of confidence in Twilight. Radish did.
Well, at least she’s going to be happy to hear about this.
“Now, most of you have never interacted with Cadance before, but you should consider her to have every bit of authority as the royal sisters. And when it comes to the wedding, her word is absolute. Her own guards and staff are staying with us, so I want you to get along with them- we’re all one big happy family here. AG1 will be handling a lot of the preparations, too, so give them the usual amount of latitude. Oh yeah, and Spike thinks he’s in charge of the bachelor party- just humor him.”
Shining Armor continued his briefing and doled out assignments. As the crowd filtered out of the room, Shining Armor approached Radish.
“Root, Cadance would like to meet with you now. Come with me.”
He led Radish down several halls, into the parts of the palace that he rarely patrolled and that tourists never saw. They reached tall double doors, beyond which Radish had never been.
Shining stood aside, and Radish pushed open the doors, revealing a large, expensively-appointed drawing room. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was languidly reposing across a plush red divan. Radish entered, and the door locked behind him.
Radish got his first good look at Princess Cadenza. She was lankier than Celestia and Luna- almost gangly- with a thick pink mane and tail which didn’t magically move like theirs. She wore a small crown. Her cutie mark was a crystal heart flanked by bits of gold lace. She was eating chocolates out of a heart-shaped box and drinking pink champagne from a deep goblet.
“Radish Root?” she asked with her mouth full.
“Yes, princess. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Radish said with a bow.
She swallowed her mouthful of chocolates and washed it down with a gulp of champagne. "Oh, the pleasure is all mine. Come, sit down."
She motioned to the divan she was lying on. Radish hesitated, then sat down at her side. She leaned over to him.
“Mister Root, I need your help for my wedding," she said, pleadingly.
“Oh? Uh… anything, your highness.”
She held up Radish’s personnel file in her aura.
“It says here that you used to guard my Aunt Luna’s tower.”
“Yes, ma’am. It was an honor.”
“I would love, love, love it if you would guard it during my wedding.”
“Oh? Princess Luna will be in her tower during the wedding?”
“No, of course not. She’ll be right up there with Aunt Celestia when Shining Armor and I say our vows.”
“I see…”
“Is that a problem?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.
“No, ma’am! I just thought… uh… nothing. Never mind.”
“What, you didn’t think you’d be attending my wedding, did you?”
Radish did.
“No, ma’am. Of course not.”
“Listen," the princess said, leaning in closer to Radish, "whoever is threatening Canterlot might see Luna’s tower as easy pickings during my wedding. Someone could steal all the ancient, powerful artifacts she's keeping in there.”
Radish wasn’t aware of any powerful ancient artifacts in the tower. Cairn said she had a foosball table delivered last week.
The princess touched Radish's shoulder. “I need you there protecting it, so I can have peace of mind on the happiest day of my life.”
“You can count on me, your highness.”
“Good. "
“Who else is assigned with me?”
“No one. It’s just you.”
“Ma’am?”
“That tower is on the other side of the palace from the wedding hall. It’s outside of… what did Shiny call it? The prime cartoon zone?”
“Uh, primary cordon zone?”
“That’s it! Gee, you’re smart!” she giggled, playfully nudging Radish.
“Thank you, princess.”
“Basically, we can’t afford to spread any more guards out that far away from the ceremony. But I'm sure a big, strong stallion like you can handle it all by yourself, can't you?" said Cadenza, brushing her hoof up Radish’s foreleg.
Radish swallowed hard. “I can handle it, ma'am. During my Ranger days, I was responsible for a much larger and much more remote territory all on my own.”
“Thank you, Mister Root." She lifted a wing to his chin and drew his face toward hers. She grinned entrancingly. Radish's tail twitched. "I knew you were the pony for the job."
"Thank you, ma'am," he said softly.
"Let's toast on it," she said, floating glasses of champagne between them. She clinked his glass. “To a perfect wedding.”
Radish wasn’t allowed to drink on duty. He drank his glass in one gulp.
Radish shuffled out of the drawing room. Shining Armor was still in the hallway, staring out the window.
“Root? That was quick.”
“We, uh, didn’t really talk about my… issues. She just gave me an assignment for the wedding.”
“You’ve already got an assignment for the wedding. Commander Roller wants you on parapet patrol.”
“Princess Cadenza wants me guarding Selenic Spire.”
“What are you talking about? Wait here.”
Shining Armor entered the drawing room. Radish could hear the muffled sounds of something akin to an argument behind the doors. A moment later, Shining Armor reentered the hallway, wincing and rubbing his forehead.
“She was right, Root. Go report to Luna.”
“Aye. Oh, and congratulations on your engagement.”
“Thanks.”
“Is your head okay?”
“My head is none of your business, lieutenant.”
“Sorry, sir.”
The Only Mark That Matters
49. The Wedding, Part 2: Preparations
“Hey, there’s the hot shot!” said the duty officer in Luna’s tower. “Defender of the Spire, himself!”
Radish saluted. “I’m here to see Princess Luna.”
“Go on up. She’s expecting you.”
Luna’s bedroom door unlocked and opened itself as Radish approached. He entered to find Luna at the balcony gazing at the city through her telescope.
“Lieutenant Root, I have been informed of your duty,” she said without turning. “Congratulations. Cadance must have been greatly impressed by your record.”
“Thank you, ma’am. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
She turned and nodded. “This time, I can. I sought out Harold and found him in the deepest, darkest depths of the dreamlands. But he was not merely lost- he was being held captive.”
“Captive!? By what?”
“A very powerful, very malevolent entity. Harold had stumbled across its dream- a dream of conquering Canterlot.”
“Discord?”
“Nay. This was a creature unlike any I’ve known- shapeless and elusive. It was interrogating Harold for information on Canterlot, the palace, and Celestia, using frightening imagery to torture him to his breaking point.”
Radish frowned. “Is he okay?”
“He did not break.” Luna looked out toward the infirmary. “Harold refused to give up even the smallest detail. I must admit, he was quite valiant.”
“So this entity didn’t learn anything?”
“Nay. But neither did I. It vanished as I stepped forth to confront it. Likely, it woke up. I conveyed Harold to a safe place in the dreamlands. He is still unconscious, but he will have pleasant dreams until he awakens.”
“That was very kind of you. Thank you, princess.”
“I was merely doing my duty as the Princess of the Night. But we are left with a problem- somewhere out there is a creature that dreams of attacking Canterlot. I believe its attack is imminent, and the threat it poses is severe. Thus, I called for this heightened security level.”
“You can count on the Guard to stop this thing, princess, whatever it is.”
“Thank you Radish,” she said, looking out the balcony to the shield barrier. “Shining Armor’s shield is quite impressive. With him on duty, we should be quite well-protected.”
“And we have the Elements of Harmony on-site,” said Radish, encouragingly, “with those, AG1 can beat anyone.”
“True, they have proven themselves to be reliable, if unconventional, protectors.” She turned to Radish. “You’ve now conversed with Cadance?”
“Yes ma’am. She’s, uh, very friendly. I don’t know much about her. I didn’t even know she existed until recently.”
“I’ve only met her twice since my return, but we’ve maintained regular correspondence. She has spent the last few years at the University of Mountreal, working toward a cardiology degree. She wants to heal hearts, both literally and metaphorically. It is admirable that one of her station chooses so demanding a path.”
Luna grinned.
“It was quite a shock when Celestia told me that there was another alicorn princess, and that she had adopted her as a niece, making her my niece as well. I never thought I’d have one.”
She made a short, mirthful snort.
“That means I soon will be family with Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and all their relatives as well! I returned as Nightmare Moon completely alone, but I now have a growing family. It is wonderful.”
She smiled sweetly. Her eyes shone.
“Think of it! Celestia and I may soon be celebrating Hearth’s Warming at a full table! I’d almost forgotten what that is like. Celestia was by herself for a millennium. It was just the two of us for so long before that.”
She took a step toward Radish.
“Lieutenant, why not court Twilight Sparkle? If the two of you were to wed, you and I would be family, as well!”
Radish chortled. “She’s destined for someone a lot better than me. I think she’ll end up with some great wizard, or a dashing prince charming. Besides, I’m brethren with the bat ponies, so I’m already like a… son to you?”
Radish didn’t like the sound of that as it came out of his mouth. Luna frowned and shook her head.
“Radish, I am no mother to the bat ponies. I forced my way into their lives through acts of cruelty.”
“Nightmare Moon did that. They’ve all forgiven you.”
“Forgiveness does not undo the deed. Though I am happy that your parents have taken them in. They are doing well?”
“You bet! Ma and Pa have taught them which bugs are good for the farm and which ones are best to gobble up. We’ve got the most parasite-free farm in the Flint Steppes.”
“Excellent. Now, about my tower…”
“Yes. Princess Cadenza is worried about the valuable artifacts you keep here. If you could tell me about them…”
“I have no such things. Nightmare Moon purloined all my artifacts for her own purposes.”
“Then, if someone broke in here, what’s the first thing you’d be worried about them stealing?” asked Radish.
Luna looked around.
“Hmm, perhaps some of the paintings? Custom furniture? Imported soaps? I am sorry, Radish, I do not have much that would interest a burglar.”
“That’s good, I guess. You can enjoy the wedding with peace of mind.”
“I am sorry you will have to work during the wedding.”
“It’s my duty.”
Luna smiled. “It is a shame. I would have liked to have shared another dance with you.”
Radish’s heart did a flip. “But… isn’t a princess dancing with a guard a scandal?”
She laughed. “In my day, it was. But it seems the world has moved on. I’ve been informed that anypony may now dance with anypony. I think that is an improvement.”
“Princess, I think you should stop thinking of a thousand years ago as ‘your day’. You’re here, now. This is your day.”
“Thank you, Radish. But Saturday is Cadance’s day, at least.”
“I’ll do my part to make sure nothing goes wrong.”
“I will save you a slice of cake. And… perhaps we may still share a dance after?”
Radish’s heart tripped over itself. “I… I’d like that.”
“Good.”
Radish patrolled the entertainment quarter. He tried to picture just how many ponies would be filling the palace campus on Saturday. It was daunting.
“Radish!” called a familiar voice. Radish turned to see Twilight Sparkle rushing up to him.
“Twilight! Good to see you. And congratulations! You’re about to become part of the royal family!”
“Crazy, isn’t it? I didn’t even know Shining and Cadance were dating.”
“You didn’t?”
“What, you did?” she asked.
“Yeah, all us guards did.”
“Really? You never said anything.”
“Well, now we’re even for you never telling me that there was another alicorn princess in the world. And that she was your foalsitter.”
“I thought everypony knew about Cadance.”
“I didn’t.”
“I guess we should talk more often.”
“How’s everything going?” asked Radish.
“Oddly. Cadance was acting strange today. It’s like she barely remembers me. And she seemed a bit… haughty. She used to be the nicest pony ever.”
“She was rather nice to me. She trusts me to guard Selenic Spire all by myself during the wedding.”
“You're working during the wedding? That can't be right. You're one of my best friends! You should be at our table."
“That’s the life of a guard, Twilight. Sometimes you miss out on the fun."
"What’s even in there worth guarding?”
“Not sure. But even if someone just wants to steal Luna’s socks, I won’t let them.”
“She wears socks?”
“Sometimes. They’re really cute striped ones.”
“Uh…”
“Never mind. I didn’t say that. So, you’re best mare, huh?”
“Yeah. I’m about to check on what everyone’s doing. Everything’s moving so fast. Plus, there’s this nebulous threat. Do you know anything more about it?”
“Not really,” Radish said, looking up at the pink-tinted sky. “But whatever it is can’t get through the barrier.”
“Hmm. What if it's already inside?”
“Then us guards will handle it.”
“At least you’re confident.”
“We’re the best of the best, Twi. And your brother is the best of us."
"Yeah. He's a great BBBFF."
"A what?"
“Big brother best friend forever! I've got a whole song about it, if you'd like to hear it.”
“I should get back to work.”
The Only Mark That Matters
50. The Wedding, Part 3: Rehearsal
Rainbow Dash rocketed through crisp mountain air. She took a shortcut through a cloud, and narrowly avoided a flock of geese in her path.
“Hey! I’m trying to practice a sonic rainboom here!” she shouted at them.
“Then you should know local flight regulations. They were in the stand-on position, you were in the give-way position,” said Barrel Roller, drifting down from above. “And you never cut through a cloud without knowing what’s on the other side.”
Rainbow Dash gasped. “Commander Barrel Roller! Sorry! My bad!”
“You wanna hit ultrasonic speed over Canterlot, you have to work with the mountain, not against it. Come to my office, I’ll show you the temperature maps.”
“Temperature maps? Uh, I mean, right! The temperature maps! Can’t do a sonic rainboom without… mapping the temperatures.”
“Yeah. Of course, an expert flier like you would know that the heat island effect of the city, the humidity from the waterfalls, and the wind coming off the slopes create thermal gradients that require a cubical klick-by-klick understanding of the air around here. Flying in the open skies of Cloudsdale is like biking with training wheels, Miss Dash. Canterlot airspace is the big leagues."
“Hey! I could pull off a sonic rainboom in the vacuum of space if I had to!”
“I don’t doubt that. There’s no geese to hit up there.”
Rainbow Dash scowled. Then, she grinned. “Oh, I get it. You’re trying to tear me down so you can build me up!”
“Is that a fact?”
“I bet you do it to all your favorite fliers, huh?”
“You want to see the maps, or not?”
“You got it.”
They flew off together.
“So,” said Rainbow Dash, “I bet they’ve got you at a really important position during the wedding, huh? Guarding the princesses? The bride and groom? The rings?”
“The water.”
“Uh, what?”
“The captain believes that the enemy out there may try to sabotage the city’s water supply while the populace is distracted by the wedding. He’s having me guard the mountain reservoirs.”
“What? Aren’t those guarded all the time, anyway?”
“By corporate security guards. The captain wanted someone with combat experience overseeing them.”
“You’re like second-in-command! Anypony could do that. Just have Radish do it and come join the wedding.”
“Oh, we’ve got Root doing something important - guarding an empty building.”
“Wow, sucks for him.”
They landed on a checkpoint platform on the outskirts of the city. Unicorn guards permitted them passage through the city shield, and they took off for the castle.
“Sucks for all of us, really,” sighed Barrel Roller.
“What do you mean?”
“Root transferred from the Rangers. Ponies like him are good at watching over large open areas, but slow on their hooves. That comes from spending years doing lookout work in mountains, where you have to move slowly and deliberately over rough terrain. I’d rather put him on a parapet, and put a pony with an urban background in Luna’s tower. Ponies who came up in the City Watch have more experience patrolling multilevel buildings- they’re better at tracking sounds through multiple floors and walls.”
“Huh. So why not swap him out?”
“Root’s task was ordered by Princess Cadenza herself. I can’t countermand it.”
“Well, what does she know about guard duty?”
“It doesn’t matter. Guards obey princesses.”
“What, even if they’re making a mistake?”
“Princesses don’t make mistakes, Dash.”
“That’s nuts. Of course they do.”
“Not as far as a guard is concerned. Or a Wonderbolt, for that matter. You wanna be one of them, you better see it the same way.”
“Really? Doesn’t that seem… I don’t know…”
“Doesn’t that seem like something the ‘Element of Loyalty’ should have no problem with? Why, yes, Dash. It does.”
Rainbow Dash fell silent.
Radish completed a circuit around Selenic Spire, scanning its exterior with his binoculars and taking notes on its windows and vents. Maple Bar trotted up to him.
"Hi, Rad. You wanted something?"
"Yeah. You're good with wood, right?"
“I come from a long line of foresters. Why?"
"Can you evaluate the strength of the front door?"
Maple Bar approached the tower's door. She peered at it, sniffed it, and put her ear to it and tapped it.
"This is black quebracho. It’s one of the hardest woods on the planet. You'd need a battering ram to dent it, and he’d get a concussion trying.”
“That’s a relief. Thanks, Mape."
"No problem."
“What do they have you doing during the wedding?” he asked.
“Guarding the south entrance,” she answered.
“Guess neither of us will get any cake.”
“Or a chance to catch the bouquet,” she sighed.
Radish picked a dandelion at his hooves and tossed it to Maple Bar. “Here, catch.”
She caught it in her mouth and chewed it.
“Aww, thanks,” she said, with her mouth full. “Now all I need is a boyfriend to go with it.”
“You’ll find someone.”
“Not around here. Canterlot guys are kind of milquetoast.”
“You’re too picky.”
“Says the guy who grew up wanting to marry Celestia.”
“And how well did that turn out for me?”
“Oh. Good point. Hey, isn’t that Lady Sparkle?” she said, pointing to Twilight trotting determinedly across the commons. “She looks upset.”
“Must be stressful, being a royal wedding planner on short notice,” said Radish.
Twilight stopped. She cursed and stomped the ground.
“Really stressful,” added Radish.
Twilight turned and saw Radish. Her face brightened. She loped over to him.
“Radish! Boy, am I glad to see you!”
She threw her hooves around him and hugged him. Maple Bar giggled. He leaned away from her.
“Twilight, you can’t hug a guard on duty. It’s against the rules.”
“Radish, I need to talk to you alone. It’s important.”
“Go on, Radish,” said Maple Bar. “Don't keep Lady Sparkle waiting."
"Okay," sighed Radish.
He led Twilight into the spire. She looked around the foyer.
"Wow, so this is Luna's tower? It's dark."
"Yeah."
“Radish... there's something wrong with Cadance.”
“What is it?”
“She’s nothing like the Cadance I grew up with! She’s been displaying rude, deceitful behavior all day!”
Radish shifted his weight on his hooves. “Okay, well, why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know! Maybe she’s always been like this, and I was just too young to realize it. Or maybe she’s had all the privileges of a princess and none of the responsibilities for so long, she’s become spoiled rotten.”
“Well, there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“I can try to stop the wedding.”
“Stop the wedding!? Over a little rudeness!?”
“She’s marrying Shining under false pretenses! We can’t let her get away with that! And Shining deserves better!”
“Twilight… do you remember how we used to fight? You thought I was a sick freak stalking Celestia, and I thought you were a stuck-up bi- uh, a stuck-up know-it-all.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“I bet you wouldn’t have wanted me to marry Shining Armor back then, huh?”
“You… and Shining?”
“We were rude to each other, because we misjudged each other. But then we got to know each other. And now we’re friends.”
“Radish, it’s true that I misjudged you. But that was before I knew anything about friendship. I misjudged everyone back then. But this is something different. Cadance has gone bad. And if you really consider me a friend, shouldn’t you trust me on this?”
Radish looked into her eyes. They were trembling.
He sighed. “What are you asking of me?”
“Can you tail Cadance?”
“No. I have to stick to my tasks.”
“Okay. Can you ask Luna to make a case for calling off the wedding?”
Radish looked over to the staircase leading up to Luna's bedroom.
“Twilight… this wedding is important for Luna.”
“For Luna? How?”
“She hasn’t been to a wedding in a thousand years. She missed the last gala, too. She never gets to just put on a nice dress and go to a nice party. I want this for her so she can feel like a part of the world again. I want her to have fun. And I want everyone to see how wonderful she is.”
“Radish…”
“But more importantly, this marriage will give her new family- including you! She’ll have new relatives to love and to love her back. I want that for her, Twilight.”
Twilight looked down at her hooves.
“And I want what’s best for Shining. He can’t marry Cadance. I need your help to stop him.”
“Twilight, I have a duty to my princesses and my captain.”
“Even if they’re making a mistake?”
“That’s not my call. I don’t know better than them. And neither…”
Radish stopped himself.
“Neither do I?” finished Twilight.
“I’m sorry, Twilight.”
She turned to walk away. “I’m going to go speak with Shining.”
“It’s getting late.”
“I agree. We’re running out of time.”
“Twilight…”
She charged out of the tower, leaving Radish alone. He shook his head and rejoined Maple Bar outside.
“She ran out all upset,” said Maple Bar. “What’s up?”
“I wish I knew.”
Radish made his way back to the barracks. As he reached his door, he heard a shout ring out through the air.
“Who goes there!? Stay indoors, Twilight Sparkle!”
It was Luna, on Royal Overwatch duty at Celestia’s tower. Apparently she had spotted Twilight on the grounds nearby.
That would put her near the event hall. Twilight, what are you up to?
He waited on the stoop and listened for anything else from Luna. Flash Sentry trotted up with a guitar case on his back.
“Oh, Root. What are you doing out here?”
“Just… listening to the night.”
“You’re a poet, Root.”
“What are you doing out here?”
He nodded to his guitar case. “Just got done with band practice.”
“I didn’t know you play.”
“Not as much as I want to. But you’ve got to make the time, you know?”
“What’s your wedding assignment?”
“Sky Patrol, Sector 11.”
“Sector 11? That’s right on top of the wedding. I think Shining likes you.”
“He must like you, too, right? He gave you an entire tower.”
“Yeah, someone has to defend Luna’s imported soaps from dust bunnies.”
“Hey, don’t knock it, Root. The smallest job inside the palace-”
“-is bigger than the biggest job outside it. You really believe that?”
“If it weren’t true, we wouldn’t have this mysterious enemy trying to attack us. What do you think it is?”
“Something powerful,” said Radish. “Maybe a dark wizard, or an ancient monster.”
“Well, they picked the wrong wedding to mess with. Got time for a game of pool?”
“Sure. I-”
Their attention was drawn skyward. Luna was flying back to her tower. She stopped on her balcony and raised her horn, lighting it up with a large aura.
“What’s she doing?” asked Flash.
“She discovered the threat in the dream world,” answered Radish. “I think she’s going back in to find it again.”
“I haven't spent much time around Princess Luna. What’s she like?”
“She’s a lot of fun. Kind and warm, but when she’s serious, she’s like a force of nature.”
“That sounds… oh!”
Flash peered worriedly at Luna. Her aura was flashing wildly and throwing out sparks. Radish got his binoculars on her.
Suddenly, Luna’s aura enveloped her entire body and hoisted her up into the air. She flapped her wings helplessly and gripped her throat, as if she was being throttled. Then, she was slammed into the floor of her balcony.
Radish sprinted off the stoop and ran for her tower full-tilt. Flash Sentry flew over him, speeding toward Luna’s balcony.
Luna’s aura lifted her back up again, then threw her into the railing of her balcony. It shattered. She tumbled off and plummeted. Radish put everything into his gallop, but Flash swooped and caught Luna, lowering her safely to the ground and laying her on her back. Radish reached them.
“Thank you, Lieutenant Sentry,” she said, weakly. “That would have been a painful fall.”
“Princess Luna!” cried Radish. “What’s wrong!?”
Luna’s face was bruised. Her lower lip was swollen and she had a black eye. “Radish…”
“I’ll get help!” said Flash. He flew off. Radish cradled Luna in his lap.
“What happened?” asked Radish.
“I went back into the dreamlands to hunt for the enemy. But it was prepared for me this time. It overwhelmed me with the power of a thousand minds, turning my own magic against me.”
“Bring me into the dream world with you. We can fight it together. I’ll get them, whatever they are. They’ll regret hurting you.”
She smiled. “Radish, my Champion…”
“Yes, my princess?”
“You are holding me too tightly.”
Radish eased up. “I’m sorry.”
“Aunt Luna!”
Radish turned. Princess Cadenza landed at Luna’s side and threw her hooves around her.
“Oh, Auntie Luna! Are you okay?”
“Niece Cadance, I am sorry. I tried to hunt down our enemy. It ambushed me instead.”
“Don’t worry about that now.” She closed her eyes and waved her horn over Luna’s body. She frowned. “Oh, dear.”
“What is it?” asked Luna.
“Your heart was hit by a powerful hex. But I can dispel it.” She touched her horn to Luna’s chest, held it for a moment, then smiled in relief. “There. But you need to rest in bed for a few days, or else you could develop serious complications.”
“But, your wedding...”
“Your health is more important. Consider it doctor’s orders.” Cadenza looked up at Radish. “Mister Root, help her into her bed. Get her anything she needs. I need to talk to Shiny and Aunt Celestia about this.”
“Aye, ma’am,” said Radish.
She spread her wings and took off. Radish carefully draped Luna’s hoof over his shoulders and steadied her as they walked into her tower. He helped her climb the long spiral staircase.
“I did not realize what a chore these stairs are to ascend,” Luna said. “They are an undue burden for my guards and staff.”
“We could put a lift in the center,” noted Radish. “It would make traversal faster for legs, give the stairs cover from the sides, and block unauthorized flyers.”
She didn’t seem to hear him as she focused carefully on each step. They reached her bedroom. He lowered her into her bed and pulled up her covers.
“Can I get you anything? Water?”
“Nay. Fret not.”
Princess Celestia landed on the balcony. She looked at the broken railing in horror, then ran into the room. “Luna! Are you all right?”
“I will be fine, sister. Our niece was quick to administer a healing touch.”
“I’ve just spoken with her. She says you’ll have to sit out the wedding. I think we should talk about postponing it.”
“Nay! This wedding is for the happy couple, not for me. It shall go on with my blessing. Don’t worry about me- I will have my Champion here to keep me company.” She looked at Radish. “Won’t I?”
“Of course,” said Radish.
“Then he can keep you company in the infirmary,” said Celestia. “You’ll be safer there.”
Radish made a slightly dissatisfied noise in his throat. Celestia looked at him.
“What is it, lieutenant?” she asked.
“It’s just that… this tower was built like a fortress. The infirmary was built… well, like an infirmary. It’s got a lot of entrances, and wide halls designed to allow ponies to move through them rapidly. Not to mention, it’s full of sharp objects. If the enemy wanted to follow up with an attack on Luna, she’d be safer here.”
Celestia stared at Radish for a beat, then looked around the room. “Hmm. What do you think, Luna?”
“I agree, but for a different reason. If our enemy comes after me in the infirmary, other patients, including Harold, will be put in harm’s way. A worthy princess does not put the sickly at risk.”
Celestia sighed. “Very well. I’ll have Shining Armor redistribute some more guards here for the wedding. Stay with her, Radish.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Celestia left. Radish and Luna looked at each other.
“I am sorry,” said Luna. “It looks like I won’t be able to bring you that slice of cake. Or share a dance with you.”
“Your health is what matters. We can dance when you’re better.”
“I will hold you to that.”
The Only Mark That Matters
51. The Wedding, Part 4: Gifts and Guests
Luna was asleep the next time Celestia checked in on her. Radish was standing guard at her bedside. She motioned him to join her on the balcony and closed the door behind them.
“Radish, I’ve spoken with Shining Armor. He’s assigning Mudlark Squad to the spire for the wedding.”
“What? That’s a squad of five privates. There are more higher-ranking ponies in here on a normal day.”
“I know. He says he has planned out the wedding security to the pony, and that moving any senior officers now would open up tactical gaps. We simply don’t have the flexibility to put more experienced guards in Luna’s spire now.”
“But… that means I’ll be the one in charge here.”
Celestia nodded. “Radish, sometimes a guard is thrust into the deep end and must prove his mettle. Can I count on you to protect my little sister?”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll die before I let anything happen to her.”
Celestia sighed. “It’s easy to make a claim like that. I’ve heard it from a lot of guards over the years, and it’s not as comforting to me as you think it sounds. Dead guards can’t protect princesses.”
“Sorry, ma’am. I just don’t want you to worry. I am confident in my ability to protect her.”
“We don’t even know the nature of the threat,” said Celestia. “There’s no telling what you could be up against.”
“Whatever it is, I’ll adapt. We guards are trained to think on our hooves.”
“Ah, but what if you’re taken by surprise? For example, like… this!”
She turned and bucked at Radish’s face with her hind legs. Radish ducked her hooves, rolled sideways, and flicked out his spear. He thrust it forward with both his forehooves, the realization of what he was doing overcoming his muscle memory just fast enough to stop him. He froze, the spearhead mere centimeters from Celestia’s ribs.
She looked down at the weapon. Radish dropped the spear and threw himself prostrate before his princess.
“I’m so sorry! That was just reflexes! I swear, I’d never hurt you!”
“Yes, and your reflexes have improved greatly since you started out here. You used to be much slower. But why draw your spear against me, and not your sword?”
Radish looked up at her, then at his spear on the floor.
“You have such long legs.”
“Oh?”
“I mean, they give you a lot of reach. Your legs are longer than my sword, but my spear is even longer. I needed the reach advantage, and I’d also be able to throw my spear in case you took flight, while still keeping my sword in reserve.”
“You processed all those judgments in the split-second I attacked you?”
“Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am.”
“Good. That makes me feel a lot better. Take this.”
She pulled a collapsed spear from behind her back. Radish realized what it was, and quickly pretended not to recognize it. It was Celestia’s own spear, the one she had been charging with her alicorn powers during the Halcyon affair.
"I normally don't trust magic weapons,” she said, “but this has been enhanced with earth power. It should work like any other spear for you, just with greater durability and stopping power."
"It's beautiful. Is this Ferrum Flats's mark?"
She rolled her eyes. "Radish, I know Luna sent you to retrieve this from one of Nightmare Moon's lairs. And I know she swore you to secrecy about it. She spilled everything a few eggnogs into Hearth’s Warming."
“I, uh…”
"And I know you and Spike saw this in my secret room in Secure Storage. He confessed soon after."
"Oh, that little..."
"It’s fine, Radish. Just use this to protect Luna."
Radish took the spear. He flicked it out and felt its weight. He focused his senses into it.
“I can feel the earth power in it. But it also contains pegasus and unicorn power, right?”
“Yes, but you won’t be able to control those without wings or a horn. And that’s for the best. If there’s an emergency, I want you to rely on your own strengths.”
“I will. But I’ll also need to make some changes to the spire.”
“Changes?”
“Yes. I need to seal most entrances, barricade certain rooms, set up checkpoints in the halls, and reinforce some walls.”
“I thought you said it was built like a fortress.”
“It is. But now it’s a short-staffed fortress.”
“Very well. Get what you need from the supply depot. And Radish…”
“Ma’am?”
“Thank you.”
Chuck wasn’t on duty at the supply depot at night- instead, a unicorn named Heat Sink was behind the counter. Radish entered carrying a stack of papers.
“Lieutenant. How can I help you?”
“I need supplies for Luna’s tower.”
“Oh?”
Radish gave him the list. Heat Sink looked over it.
“Barbed wire? Chain link fencing? Security mirrors? What the heck are you doing to that place?”
“Just taking precautions. A lot of this is long overdue.”
“This is all authorized?”
Radish showed Heat Sink a signed order from Princess Celestia.
“Yes, but these requisitions are top secret. You can’t let anypony know about this.”
“Oh, it’s top secret chain link fencing? Then come on back. I’ll show you our most covert rolls of it.”
Radish began the next day by meeting the duty officer for Luna’s tower.
“Hey, Root? Your supplies arrived,” he said, gesturing to piles of crates stacked up next to his desk. “And so has this. The list of guards assigned to you. Your own squad at a lieutenant’s rank. Not bad.”
“Squad Leader Root. I like the sound of that.”
Radish took and read over his squad’s files. Private Goldbrick was an earth pony. Private Tongs was a hinny. Privates Mondegreen and Buildup were unicorns, and there was a pegasus private named Flashbang. Their records seemed skimpy to Radish- there was little more than their names.
“Good luck with those kids,” said the duty officer.
“What are you doing during the wedding, sir?”
“Guarding Sky Bridge D6.”
“Is, uh, is that a bigger priority than Princess Luna?”
“I don’t make the assignments, lieutenant.”
“Right.”
But I can make some assignments of my own , thought Radish.
Radish entered Luna’s courtyard garden. Her gourds were coming in nicely.
“Mortimer? You in here?”
The screech owl flew out onto a branch of his tree and stared at Radish.
“Listen, I need to secure this tower. I’m short on staff, so I’ll have to use every advantage. That includes you.”
Mortimer flapped to a lower branch.
“Does anyone else live in this garden?”
Mortimer made a whinny, and pointed to a crack in the wall. Radish approached it and peeked inside. A rat was staring back at him.
“Oh, hi there! I’m Luna’s guard. Can you help us out?”
It shook its head.
“I promise, this isn’t a ploy to let Mortimer eat you. You can even stay in the walls, if you like.”
It nodded.
“Are there more rats where you came from?”
It nodded.
Radish entered the attic of Selenic Spire. He cleared his throat and addressed the rafters.
“Hi, I’m Radish. We met last Nightmare Night. I could use some help protecting Luna. You guys have some experience in that regard, don’t you?”
Dozens of pairs of yellow eyes opened in the darkness above his head.
“Would you be willing to help? It could be dangerous, though.”
A swarm of squeaking bats flew down from the ceiling and surrounded Radish. They landed on him and gripped each other, forming a flowing black cape.
“Wow, this is comfy. Come on, I’ll show you where I want you.”
Radish’s squad stood at attention and saluted him. Radish had never been saluted before. He liked it. He passed out documents to each guard.
“We’re short on prep time, so I’m giving you these. These are called ‘one-time pads’. Don’t lose them. They’ll tell you what your assignments are, and when. The shift lengths will be irregular and the rotations will be randomized so that our enemy can’t stake out and memorize them. The next document is what we need to accomplish before the wedding begins.”
The squad read through them.
“We’re moving the furniture?” Goldbrick asked.
“To provide improvised cover, yes. There are several places inside that could become chokepoints for guards during a battle. We’re going to turn them into ambush spots for invaders instead.”
“And we’re messing with the plants outside?” asked Tongs.
“We need to improve visibility around the base of the tower. Anything could hide in those bushes.”
“We’re adding lights?” asked Flashbang.
Radish sighed. “Yes, this tower is far too dark, as are the grounds around it. Anything could hide in the shadows, too.”
“But Luna’s the night princess,” Buildup noted.
“Meaning she can see in the dark. Her enemies might be able to, as well. We can’t. We’re lighting this place up.”
“And this wire?” asked Mondegreen.
“We need to block anything trying to fly up the stairwell. We’re putting chain link fencing across it.”
“But Luna’s bedroom is open to the sky,” said Flashbang. “If something could fly at her, it would fly at her from outside.”
"Page three. We're also fencing off every window, balcony, chimney, and vent. And the top of her courtyard."
The squad flipped through their instructions.
"What are these Xs you have throughout the tower?" asked Tongs.
Radish gazed up at the top floor. He smiled. "Those are our secret weapons."
Radish focused his binoculars across the palace grounds. He saw just who he was looking for.
“Spike!” he called, rushing up to the dragon.
“Hey, Radish! I’ve been looking for you!” said Spike. “You’re invited to the bachelor party!”
“That’s great, Spike. Can you send a message for me?”
“Communications with the outside are restricted, remember? Every letter I send would have to be approved by Shining Armor first.”
“I know you squealed on me about Celestia’s secret room.”
“What kind of message would you like me to send?”
Luna was awake the next time Radish checked on her. Her bruises had healed somewhat.
“Princess, how are you feeling?”
“Still weak, lieutenant. Your squad has been making quite the racket.”
“We’re shoring up the Spire’s defenses, from the attic to the wine cellar,” said Radish.
“I hope you’re not making too many changes to the tower that are... drastic and permanent?”
“You know what else would be drastic and permanent? Losing you.”
“Radish, I appreciate the sentiment, but not the tone.”
“Sorry, ma’am.”
“You are forgiven.”
“I have some emergency procedures I wanted to go over with you…”
Radish affixed a convex mirror onto the building neighboring Luna’s tower. He backed away from it to see how well it could reflect around the curvature of the spire.
“Root!” called out a voice from behind. He looked and saw Saguaro Shade approaching him, carrying an extra sword in a scabbard on his back.
“Word is you’re in charge of Princess Luna’s protection for the wedding.”
“Yes, sir. I’m ready for this.”
“I watched you clear your sword certification. I think I can feel confident giving you this.”
He took off the extra sword and held it in front of himself.
“I thought you could use a sword with a little more sting in its swing. This is a Grandiose Gladius, one of the best swords our smiths can forge. You’d normally get one of these at the rank of colonel or higher, but these are stressful times.”
He pulled the sword out halfway to show Radish the blade.
“It’s swashbuckler steel. Preferred alloy for earth ponies- stronger than the standard issue, and holds an edge better. You’ll give out long before it does. The sides have a coating of starsilver, making them magic-resistant.”
He passed it to Radish. Radish unsheathed the sword and whistled at it in admiration.
“Thank you, sir. I hope I won’t need it.”
“That’s the same thing I said to this here gal,” Saguaro Shade said, unsheathing his own Grandiose Gladius from his hip. He showed Radish the flat of the blade. It had a face engraved on the side- a buffalo lady, wreathed in bluebonnets, with the name “Lovey Dovey” inscribed in a ribbon underneath her.
“Who is she? A previous officer?”
“That’s my wife, Root.”
“She’s pretty.”
“Thanks. She was always proud I never got blood on her face. I always dread the day I may have to.”
“You must have an important duty during the wedding, like guarding Celestia, right?”
“I’m guarding the train platform.”
“What?”
“Captain’s orders. He believes it’s a key target for our mysterious enemy.”
“Sir, between me guarding a princess, and you being as far from them as possible, I’m starting to question-”
“Corporal, there you are,” said Barrel Roller, dropping down to them. Radish and Saguaro Shade saluted her.
“Corporal Shade, Lieutenant Root, there’s been a development. Twilight Sparkle has been designated a Security Risk. Captain Armor has uninvited her from the wedding, and Princess Cadenza has banned her from palace grounds.”
“What!?” gasped Radish.
“The memo is going out as we speak. Lieutenant, if you see her, you are to report her immediately. Corporal, you’re now authorized to apprehend her on sight… with unrestricted force.”
Radish sputtered. Saguaro Shade raised an eyebrow.
“You’re telling me,” he said, “Twilight Sparkle, Celestia’s star pupil, the captain’s kid sister, the heroine of Equestria, the Element of Magic, the wedding planner and best mare … should now be treated like an enemy?”
“I’m not. Princess Cadenza is. She now believes that Sparkle is the threat that Princess Luna detected. The same one that attacked her.”
“Ma’am!” exclaimed Radish. “Twilight could never do that!”
“She disrupted the rehearsal in a hysterical state. She lashed out at the bride in an attempt to halt the wedding. Princess Cadenza was in tears. Captain Armor and Princess Celestia are furious.”
“Ma’am, Twilight had concerns about Princess Cadenza,” said Radish.
“And Princess Cadenza has concerns, too. She believes that Twilight Sparkle harbors deep-seated taboo feelings for her brother which are manifesting as an irrational possessiveness. It’s corrupting her on a magical level, akin to Nightmare Moon.”
“That’s insane! Cadenza’s lying!”
Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade shared a glance between themselves.
“We’ve got orders from a princess, Root,” said Barrel Roller. “And once orders are orders…”
“Then orders are orders,” finished Saguaro Shade. “Aye, commander. We’ll do our duty.”
“And Root,” said Barrel Roller, “another accusation like that, and I’ll have you mucking the menagerie.”
Barrel Roller flew off. Radish turned to Saguaro Shade.
“Sir, everything about this stinks.”
“Take care of Luna, Root. It’s all you can do now.”
“But… aye, sir.”
Saguaro Shade walked away. He rounded a building corner, where Barrel Roller was waiting for him.
“The kid’s right, you know,” he said.
“The kid’s gotta learn that there are wrong ways to be right,” she said. “And shouting that a princess is lying is the wrong way.”
“I’m guessin’ you’ve been pursuing the right way.”
Barrel Roller held up a photograph of Cadance.
“I snapped this just an hour ago. Whatever’s the matter with her, she’s not the same kind of thing Halcyon was.”
“Well, it’s nice to rule that out. We ought to talk with her personal staff. They’ll be able to tell us if she’s really been actin’ out of the ordinary.”
“Hmph,” harrumphed Barrel Roller. “Sparkle sure believed she was.”
“And now Sparkle’s ponsona non grata ,” noted Saguaro Shade.
“Yeah. I don’t like it.”
“You don’t like what ?” demanded Shining Armor, approaching the two. They saluted him.
“Sir,” said Barrel Roller, “I request permission to-”
“Commander,” said Shining Armor, “I want you to coordinate with Captain Spitfire of the Wonderbolts. Expand the sky sweeps outward and upward. Corporal, go liaise with the City Watch. Make sure they’re not a weak link in the city’s defense.”
“Sir ,” said Saguaro Shade, “perhaps it would be prudent to-”
“That is all, you two,” said Shining Armor. “Dismissed.”
The Only Mark That Matters
52. The Wedding, Part 5: Ceremony
The Wedding Day came.
Radish stared up at the shield barrier and grit his teeth. He wished he could face whatever was out there, instead of waiting for it to show its face. He hoped it had a face. He hoped it had only one face.
He stood alone in front of the main entrance to Selenic Spire. With a limited number of guards, he couldn’t afford to double up postings. In a few minutes, Goldbrick would relieve him, and he’d move to Luna’s side.
Just keep to your duty. Whatever happens, we’re not losing a princess again. Not for one minute.
“Radish!” he heard a mare’s voice call.
“Lieutenant!” he heard a stallion’s voice call.
He turned to see Twilight Velvet and Night Light rushing up to him.
“Hello, ma’am. Sir.”
“Radish, have you seen Twilight?” Twilight’s mother asked desperately.
“No, ma’am. Not since yesterday.”
“Neither has anyone else! Do you have any idea where she could be?”
“She’s been banned from the wedding. I assumed she'd either be back at your place, or her old dorm.”
“She’s not! We've checked every place in town!” said Night Light. “And every library and bookstore!”
"Radish," said Twilight Velvet, lowering her voice, "do you and Twilight have any kind of... secret place? Where the two of you go to... be with each other?”
"Ma'am, it's really not like that."
"Oh. Well, do you know a place she might go if she doesn’t want to be found?"
"Hmm... there's the tunnels where we became friends..."
“The guards say they searched them!” said Twilight Velvet. “Nothing.”
“And they spoke as if they were hunting a dangerous fugitive, not searching for a missing girl!” said Night Light.
“And they’re spreading the most disgusting rumor about her!” added Twilight Velvet. “Radish, you don’t believe that she’s… jealous, do you?”
“That struck me as unlikely, ma’am.”
“We’ve tried to talk to Cadance, but she won’t even see us,” said Night Light. “Something is wrong with her, lieutenant.”
“That… that was Twilight’s read, too."
A volley of bells rang out from the wedding hall's tower. The couple frowned.
"The wedding is starting soon," said Twilight Velvet. "We can't just go in there like everything's normal!"
“Sir, ma’am. Twilight is fearless. If she believes she has no other choice, she may try to crash the wedding."
"Then we definitely should be there," said Night Light. "Once we're all together, we can talk things out."
"As a family!" agreed Twilight Velvet.
"Good luck, sir, ma'am."
"Thank you, son," said Night Light.
They hurried away. Radish watched them go apprehensively.
He scanned the commons around him. Guests were now milling towards the wedding hall. He kept alert, trying to look as imposing as possible. He chewed the inside of his cheek, wondering how long the alert state would last.
How long can the captain maintain the citywide shield? Will he put off his honeymoon to keep it up? How is this any way to start a marriage?
Two well-dressed mares approached the tower. Radish thought they might have been bridesmaids, but he had also heard the bridal party had been changed recently. He didn’t know what to make of that. Every part of the wedding seemed to be going off the rails.
“You! Guardstallion! Move aside!” one of the mares barked.
Radish raised an eyebrow. “Sorry, miss. This tower is on lockdown.”
“We come under the orders of Mi Amore Cadenza herself! She demands we be let in!”
“What for?”
“Do not question!”
“Mi Amore Cadenza is the bride! Her word is law on her wedding day!” affirmed the other one.
“Yeah? She told me to protect Princess Luna,” said Radish, annoyed, “and that’s what I’m doing. Nopony gets in without a damn good reason.”
“We are the Bride’s trusted subordinates! You will obey, or face her wrath!”
“Look here, I’m not-”
A third well-dressed mare rushed up to the other two.
“You two!” she said to the others, “there is a problem with the…”
She looked at Radish.
“…Something Borrowed and the Something New. They are not secure. The wedding could be ruined.”
The other two bridesmaids seemed so upset, they were practically hissing.
“We must go to the… big guest room… to secure them,” the first bridesmaid said.
The second one looked up at the tower. “But what of the Something Blue?”
“It will have to wait!” said the third one, smiling smugly. “Do not worry. I am told it will be the easiest.”
She then leaned into Radish’s face. “You, guardstallion! Make sure the moon princess does not leave her bed!”
“You got it.”
The bridesmaids ran off, leaving Radish with more questions than ever.
As his shift at the door was coming to an end, he heard the sound of metal scraping against stone. It was coming from an old wishing well in a small park across from the tower. He got his binoculars on it. The grate covering its opening was being pushed up from below.
He brandished his spear and approached it. Radish had read the well’s historical marker before. It had actually been a vent for the mines far below Canterlot. When the mines were abandoned, the vent became a forgotten curiosity, in a little-used park, outside Luna’s long-empty tower. He had asked for maps of the mines in case they were relevant to security, but Shining had assured Radish that every passage down there had been sealed ages ago.
Then what’s coming up? And how did it get down there?
A magic aura tore the grate on the well off and flung it aside. Radish hopped back. Out of the uncovered vent climbed Twilight Sparkle and an extremely disheveled Princess Cadenza, squinting into the daylight.
“We’re topside!” cheered Twilight. “There’s still time. We can still make it if we hurry!”
“Princess Cadenza? Twilight?” Radish asked, lowering his spear.
“Radish!” said Twilight, relieved. “Boy, am I glad to see you. Shining Armor is in danger!”
“Be careful, Twilight,” warned the princess as she stepped between them and aimed her horn at Radish, “he might be a changeling too!”
“A changeling, ma’am?” asked Radish, slowly backing away.
“I know how to check!” said Twilight. “Radish, what part of you was I angry about the first time we met?”
“Uh, you mean that?” asked Radish, motioning to his armor-clad flank.
“Show us!” said Twilight. “It’s really important.”
Radish stared into the eyes of the first Security Risk he’d ever been friends with. They were scared, pleading eyes.
He lifted his armor, revealing his cutie mark. It hadn’t taken long to grow back, and the shorter fur made the details look sharper than ever.
“What on earth is that!?” gasped Princess Cadenza.
“It means he’s a friend,” affirmed Twilight, smiling.
“It does? But that’s… that’s… wait, I remember that rumor. That was real? That was you?”
“Radish,” said Twilight. “The Cadance marrying Shining Armor is an impostor! She had the real Cadance here imprisoned in the mines!”
“She’s a changeling! A shape-shifter!” cried Cadenza. “She’s been feeding off Shining’s love! Controlling his mind!”
“I see. Things are starting to make sense now. I’ll take you both to Princess Luna. You tell her what’s going on, and she can order the Royal Guard to arrest the impostor.”
“There’s no time for that! Shining could be saying ‘I do’ right now!” said Cadenza.
“Come with us, Radish!” said Twilight. “We can stop her together.”
“I… can’t. I have to guard Princess Luna. Whatever this plot is, she’ll be a target, too!”
“That’s… you’re right. You protect Luna. We’ll handle the impostor.”
Twilight and Cadenza nodded to each other. They turned to leave, with determination filling their eyes.
“Twilight?” called Radish. “The fastest way to the wedding is through the servants’ entrance on the south side. Take these.”
He tossed them a key ring, which Twilight caught in her aura.
“These will get you past every door and let you take the service elevator. They’ll also let you control the security shutters.”
“Thank you, sir,” said Princess Cadenza. “I won’t forget this.”
She smiled, and they galloped off. Radish replaced the grate on the vent as a pegasus lieutenant, Skittery, dropped to his side.
“What’s going on? I thought I heard running.”
“We’ve got a problem. I need you to… what is that?”
They noticed several shadows on the ground around them. Both looked up at the city shield. There was something different. Something wrong.
Something outside it?
Radish scanned the skies with his binoculars. Hundreds of flying black creatures were slamming themselves against the barrier. Cracks were forming across the entire shield. Radish’s blood turned to ice water.
Radish and Skittery simultaneously shouted alarm calls. Skittery flew to his position. Radish ran back to the spire door. He made an alarm knock on the door, signaling the guards inside to prepare for battle. They noisily rushed about inside, taking up defensive positions.
It’s an army. An entire army is invading Canterlot. I’m... part of a war.
Radish tried to focus his racing mind. Across the palace grounds, civilians were galloping for safety. Pegasus guards took up formation in the air, while other guards organized themselves on the ground. Radish readied his spear.
The sky barrier shattered. A buzzing black murmuration descended on Canterlot. Radish called out an order that none could hear. A black pony-sized insectoid creature slammed into the ground in front of him, cratering the pavement and knocking Radish back. It pounced at Radish.
He dodged. Radish charged it with his spear, and it took to the air. He looked up. Thousands of such creatures were swarming the streets. A mass of them split off and flew right at him.
They grasped at Radish from all directions. He bucked away most of them and swung his spear. The creatures flew out of his range. He felt a presence behind him and turned. He, himself, was standing in front of him, grinning.
“What the-”
The other Radish punched Radish in the face with all of Radish’s strength. Radish reeled back, skidding to a stop. Several of the creatures flashed with a green fire, then resembled Radish.
What did Cadenza call them? “Changelings”?
He shook off the punch and charged at the other Radishes with his spear. They scattered and regrouped behind him. One of them tried to seize Radish from behind, and he swung the spear wide, knocking the other Radish into the sky. It retook its insectoid form and hovered.
A swarm of changelings, Radish-shaped or otherwise, surrounded him and dogpiled him. He bashed, kicked, and headbutted the attackers.
He tore himself out from under the dogpile, losing his helmet on the way. Needing to fight up close, he sheathed his spear, drew his Grandiose Gladius, and assumed his two-legged stance. He stood in between the mob and the door of Luna’s tower. They surrounded him.
“None of you are getting anywhere near Luna. Surrender now.”
“Surrender now,” they repeated in his voice.
Radish snarled. He heard clanking metal above him, and looked up. The creatures were all over the tower, tearing at the chain links covering every means of entry.
The chain links broke. Radish stood in horror as the enemy flooded every level of Luna’s tower.
Twilight Sparkle and Cadance rushed out of the service elevator and bolted down the hallway toward the wedding hall. As they passed an intersection, Twilight took Radish’s keys in her aura, stuck one into a panel on the wall, and turned it. A security gate slammed down, blocking the way they came.
“That ought to keep them off our tails,” said Twilight.
A side door just beyond the gate crashed off its hinges. Saguaro Shade was thrown into the hallway. He crashed into a vase stand. His armor was badly battered and half-falling off. A wave of changelings burst out of the door, grasping at him. He seized the broken vase stand and swung it around like a bat, swatting changelings to the floor.
“Dang blasted cockroaches! I’ll learn ya to mess with the Royal Guard!”
“Corporal Shade!” cried Twilight. “I’ll open the gate!”
“Don’t you dare! I can handle these doodlebugs! Just get!”
“But-”
He jammed the stand into the top of the gate, wedging it closed.
“Run!”
A squad of changelings landed in Luna’s bedroom and surrounded her bed. They tore away the blanket and pounced on its occupant.
Its occupant was two pillows stuffed under the sheets.
“She is not here!” called Vesper, hanging from the ceiling. The changelings looked up just as she let go and landed on one with a crunch . She spread her wings and bared her teeth. “But I am.”
A squad of changelings, beaten senseless, rained down from the top of the tower and landed around Radish and his enemies. He smiled.
“Secret weapon,” he said. “And there’s more where that came from.”
A swarm of changelings tore their way into the tower's courtyard. They found all the windows and doors to the interior of the tower blocked by more wire. They pulled at it. From the oak tree in the center of the courtyard, a cacophony of high-pitched squeaks called out. A colony of bats, led by Nocturn and Echo, poured out from the tree’s branches and flooded the courtyard, mobbing the invaders.
Private Flashbang dove down through the well of the tower’s spiral staircase with a contingent of changelings hot on his tail. He tucked his wings and flew through a small hole in the fence that had been put across the stairwell. The swarm failed to see the fence and slammed into it. More and more slammed into the ones already pressed against the chain links, and soon a pile of tangled changelings were suspended midair on the fencing.
Flashbang grabbed a small black thundercloud from a stockpile he had stashed in a side room. He shook it, then bucked it at the fence.
It burst with lightning, electrifying the fence and the enemies clumped against it.
Barrel Roller patrolled the edge of City Reservoir #2, one of several massive underground cisterns which hold Canterlot’s water supply. She heard a splash at the other end of the cavernous room, and saw ripples in the water’s surface.
She took flight, brandishing her spear, scanning the deep pool.
A large changeling with purple eyes and red fins leapt out of the reservoir and seized Barrel Roller from behind. Her spear dropped into the water.
She flew it into the ceiling, then bucked it into the side of the room. She dove onto it.
The two grappled across the slick floor. The creature pinned Barrel Roller into a corner. It hissed in her face, then took a deep inhale.
It coughed violently, stumbling away from her. She arched her back and spread her wings.
“The love inside you tastes dry and bitter!” it growled accusingly. “Why!?”
She walked up to it.
“I’m an acquired taste.”
She punched it out.
A dozen more attackers leapt out of the reservoir and surrounded her. She rolled her eyes.
“Fine, everyone can have a sample.”
Private Tongs and Murk stood hind-to-hind on the landing of the second floor, surrounded by changelings creeping toward them on the floor, ceiling, and walls.
“Ready, miss?” asked Murk.
“Ready,” said Tongs.
She covered her ears. Murk screeched at the changelings, causing them to buckle in pain. The two pressed their advantage and attacked.
Private Goldbrick seized a changeling in headlock and threw it at a group of changelings rushing at him. He turned and jabbed one sneaking up behind him. Two more tackled him and pinned him down.
“Where is the moon princess!?” one of them hissed at him.
“No princesses here. How about a pair of dukes?”
He slugged one with a left hook, then slammed the other with a right cross. He grabbed them both and ran, body slamming them into the rest of the group.
One of the monsters spat a green goo at his right hoof, gluing it to the wall. He yanked, pulling a clump of bricks out of the wall. He slammed them into the spitter’s face. He smiled at the possibilities with this new weapon.
Private Mondegreen stood behind a fortified checkpoint in the third floor hallway, blasting at changelings from his horn. A rat appeared behind the vent cover of an overhead air duct and squeaked at him.
“Understood,” said Mondegreen. “Go reinforce Checkpoint Alpha, Activate Contingency Six, and tell Private Buildup that we’re at Code Red. Oh, and find out what happened to Lieutenant Root.”
Radish thrusted his sword at the changeling horde. One of them flashed into the form of a moose and tried to lock his sword with its antlers. Radish easily sidestepped its wild swings and sliced at it. He took off some of its fur, which reverted to the form of black scales as it hit the ground. The creature squealed and changed back to its true form, clutching its side.
Another took the form of a buzzard and swooped at Radish, gnashing its beak. As Radish was forced away from the tower, a swarm of Radishes attacked the front door. Radish disengaged from the buzzard and charged at them with his sword in his mouth.
One of the undisguised changelings spat green goop at Radish’s hooves, sticking his legs to each other. He fell on his chest and dropped his sword. A group of changelings piled onto it, each attempting to claim it as a trophy. Radish pulled out his spear with his teeth and aimed it at the goop.
This is going to hurt.
He shoved it into the goop. The power of the earth blasted away the substance like a year’s worth of erosion compressed into a second. Radish’s boots fell to pieces and his hooves ached. He ignored the pain and scrambled toward the changelings attacking Luna’s door.
One of them flew into him sideways. It pinned him down and gnashed its teeth. Radish held it at bay with the spear, and it bit down into the shaft. A crackle of lightning burst out and flung it away.
Radish looked at the damage. It had deep teeth marks, out of which sparks burst out. Arcs of pink electricity crackled across the length of the spear, shaking it in Radish’s hooves. A fireball shot out of the speartip, followed by a green cone of light, then a dark purple beam.
That thing destabilized it! All its unicorn magic is leaking out!
Radish planted his hooves and aimed it like a firehose, peppering surrounding changelings with random spells. The recoil was immense.
One changeling caught a particle beam in the face. Another was knocked over by a flood of blue pulsing bubbles. A third was encased in a block of ice. The mob scattered into the air to avoid the attacks, dodging and weaving an assortment of spells. Ghostly jellyfish spiraled out of the spear, chasing and stinging a few out of the air.
The spear sputtered out a few sparks, then went silent. Radish shook it.
The spear rumbled, then felt lighter than air. The remaining changeling mob dove toward Radish. Radish prepared to thrust the spear at them.
Radish felt his fur stand on end. The speartip shot out a sky-filling blast of lightning. The flash blinded Radish, and he fell to his knees. He heard changelings falling limp onto the grass all around him. The spear in his hooves then suddenly shook violently, and then the wind picked up into a howling roar.
As Radish’s vision cleared, he saw a whirling cyclone above his head, emanating from the spear. Dozens of changelings were caught in the twister. Radish took the spear and swung it around, catching more changelings in the whirlwind to slam them against the sides of buildings. He snatched up the mob that was beating at Luna’s door and spun them into the ground.
The tornado sputtered out, then the spear released a cold, dense fog which filled the palace grounds around him. The spear returned to its normal weight and went silent.
And that’s its pegasus power spent.
Something large slammed into Radish from behind. A changeling leapt out of the fog and sank its fangs into his shoulder, piercing his armor. Radish hissed in pain. The creature planted its hooves on him and pulled with its teeth, trying to rip him apart.
Radish heard a whinny from above. Mortimer swooped through the air and slashed at the changeling with his tiny talons. It spit out Radish’s shoulder to growl in anger at the owl’s impudence. Radish used the opportunity to elbow his attacker’s face and knock it away.
Radish stood. Mortimer landed on his nape. Radish whispered a command to the owl, who nodded and flew off toward the tower. Radish centered his stance and faced off against the changeling through the thinning fog.
It was much larger than the others, with eyes like dark red wine and flecks of iridescence down its carapace. Its form was noticeably mare-like. Its fangs were serrated and the horn on its head was more pronounced, with several sharp projections sweeping back.
Radish aimed his spear at her face. “What are you, the head stink bug?”
“I am Maxilla!” she bellowed. “Scion of the Hive and Supreme of the Warrior Caste! You will suffer for this defiance!”
“I’m Root. Lieutenant of the Royal Guard and Champion of Princess Luna. And you won’t beat me.”
She hissed, and a ring of green fire flashed down her body. She was now a manticore.
Nice trick. Too bad for you I studied the anti-manticore manual.
Radish vaulted forward on the spear and bucked the manticore’s jaw. He swatted away its stinger-tipped tail and gouged the spear into the creature’s neck. It reeled back, gripping the wound with its paw. Another ring of fire turned it into a giant cobra.
Oh please. Earth ponies know how to handle snakes.
It struck at Radish. He dodged its bite and wrapped his legs around its neck, cutting off the supply of blood to its head. It thrashed, and Radish dodged each swing of its tail. It burst with flame again. The flames didn’t burn Radish, but the changeling was now a massive creature with the body of a lobster and the wings of a bat. It took flight, and Radish slid off its carapace onto the ground.
Okay, I don’t know what that is. Is that a real animal, or can it just make stuff up?
It snapped its claws at Radish. Radish backed away, narrowly avoiding tripping over a fallen changeling drone. He looked at the spear in his hooves.
It expended its unicorn magic and pegasus weather, but it’s still got earth power. That’s what Celestia wanted me to rely on.
He leapt forward and jammed the spear into the ground. He felt the power of the earth flow out of the spear. He directed it, focusing on the ground beneath him and its connection to the life it sustained.
Radish smiled.
The grass below Radish burst with light. It grew high and ensnared the creature. Its many limbs struggled to free itself. It changed into a minotaur, but the grass held fast. It became a small red dragon, and the grass held, snapping its snout shut to keep it from spitting flame. It turned into a huge hedgehog-looking creature, but the grass held it.
It flashed back into Maxilla’s true form. Radish pointed the spear at her face.
“That’s Kenbucky bluegrass. You can’t break it. Now, order your troops to give themselves up peacefully.”
“It was not supposed to be this way!” Maxilla cried. “The Queen said the Something Blue would be guarded by a coward!”
“A coward!? ”
“She said that you fled your post during a crisis! And that you would surely do it again!”
Radish grabbed her by the horn and pulled her in close. “Listen here, flea. I fled that post trying to save my princess! And I stayed put this time to save my other princess!”
She leaned forward, sniffing at Radish. Radish leaned back in disgust.
“You… you are full of love for your rulers!” she said with surprise.
“And so what if I am!?”
She grinned wickedly and opened her maw. Radish watched a stream of pink light flow out of his chest and into her mouth. He felt colder. He felt smaller. He felt weaker. He stumbled back and slumped to the ground.
She ripped free of the grass and loomed over him.
“Your love is the most nourishing I’ve ever tasted! With you as my food source, I could usurp the Queen herself!”
Radish struggled to his hooves. “Yeah? Snack on this .”
He thrust the spear at her. She caught it and pinned Radish to the ground. She sucked another gulp of love out of Radish. His vision blurred.
“Rest now,” she said, clutching him closely. “Feed me. ”
“Luna…”
Radish’s world went dark.
The Only Mark That Matters
54. The Wedding, Part 7: Honeymoon
Radish became aware of a dull pain in his left forehoof. He opened his eyes and saw an IV needle inserted into it. The glare of fluorescent lights overhead forced him to full consciousness. He looked around and saw that he was in an infirmary bed. Twilight was in a chair at his side, reading.
“Twilight?” he said through a dry throat. She snapped her book shut and perked up.
“You’re awake! How do you feel?”
“Weird all over. What happened?”
“We found you unconscious outside. Cadance said the changelings drained your love to critical levels!”
“Drained my love ? What does that mean? I can’t love anyone anymore!?”
“You’ll be fine. Shining and Cadance filled the city with a big burst of love and blasted the changelings out!”
“They’re gone? All of them?”
“Yep. Every last one. The bat ponies have been dispatched to hunt them down. They were really fired up to avenge you.”
“Did we lose anyone?” Radish asked apprehensively.
“Everyone’s fine. Celestia took a hit when she fought the changeling queen, but she says her ego is more bruised than anything.”
“What about Luna?”
“You’re going to love this. The impostor maneuvered you into the role of Luna’s protector because she saw in your file that you left your post during the Nightmare Moon crisis. She expected you to do it again. She even had Shining fill your squad with inexperienced guards so the tower would be easy pickings!”
“Why would I love that?”
“Because it wasn’t easy pickings! You fortified the tower so well, even a squad of novices held it. The changelings never got to Luna- she slept through the whole battle! It was really clever to have her sleep in a cask in her wine cellar. No one went looking for a princess there.”
“I’m glad she agreed. If we have flying enemies, those big balconies are just inviting trouble.”
“The real wedding happened while you were out. I’m sorry you missed it.”
“What, you didn’t postpone a royal wedding just for me? The nerve.”
Twilight smiled. “Luna said not to worry, because you were safe in a beautiful dream. She wouldn’t tell us what it was, though.”
“Oh? That was...? Huh.”
“Why? What did you dream about?”
“A nice dance.”
“Aww. Maybe you’ll get to dance at Rarity’s wedding. She caught the bouquet.”
“Good for her. Who caught the garter?”
“Garter? Oh, that's not really a Canterlot thing.”
“Oh. Well, how was the cake?”
“We saved you a slice! And some apple fritters. Oh! And then there’s all this!”
She gestured to the table by the side of his bed. A pile of get well cards were stacked on it, overflowing the gaps between several vases of flowers.
“Oh yeah, and here's your keys back,” she said, putting them on the table. “They were a big help.”
Radish shifted his weight, staring up at the ceiling.
“Twilight… I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you about Princess Cadenza.”
“Thanks. But I know I didn’t argue my case very well. And nopony could have imagined that we’d be dealing with a changeling queen.”
“You should have heard the rumors she was spreading about you.”
“Yeah, we don’t need to talk about that. Ever.”
“Then, can we talk about how you saved Equestria again ? How many times is this, now?”
“Who can keep track anymore?” asked Celestia merrily, entering the room with Luna in tow.
“Princesses! I barely did anything this time,” said Twilight.
“Nonsense!” said Luna. “Revel in your accomplishments, for we are most proud of you!”
“And most contrite for ignoring your warnings,” added Celestia.
Twilight looked down and blushed.
“Lieutenant,” said Celestia, “Shining Armor is taking his well-earned honeymoon, but he left commendations for those who distinguished themselves during the attack, like you.”
“Me? I was a pawn in the enemy’s plan from the start.”
“Indeed! But your intricate planning and clever battle tactics made a fool out of the enemy and saved me!” said Luna, joyously. “Thus, I bestow upon you this favor.”
Luna leaned over and kissed Radish’s cheek. He gasped and sheepishly muttered a thanks, fidgeting his hooves. Twilight and Celestia smirked.
“He actually had this in mind,” said Celestia, pulling out a small box and opening it to reveal a peytral-shaped medal. “The Iron Barding Award, for heroic defense of Equestria.”
“Whoa! I mean, I’m honored ma’am. I’m glad everyone’s okay.”
“As am I,” said Celestia. “And seeing as how we’re bestowing favors now…”
She bent down and kissed his cheek. Radish froze, jaw dropped, letting out a barely-audible wheezing sound. Celestia winked and took her leave. Luna rolled her eyes and followed her out.
Radish was able to breathe again when they were out the door. He turned to Twilight, leaning on his hoof.
“So, uh, you bestowing any favors today?” he asked with a grin.
“Ha! That’s for princesses only. But it’s been too long since we’ve hung out. How about we hit one of those poetry nights you’ve always wanted to go to?”
“That’d be great.”
“One condition, though. Don’t hide your cutie marks.”
“Come on. No one needs to see these. I know they’re indecent.”
“I did need to see them, because their indecency let me know it was you. No changeling would ever come up with something like those! Cadance and I could confront the impostor with full confidence knowing a friend was guarding Luna. Besides, the Canterlot night scene is all about distinguishing oneself using individualistic identifiers. You’ll fit right in.”
“There could be kids there.”
“No way. I’ve read that Midtown Canterlot poetry nights get really blue. Real bottom-of-the-barrel filth.”
Radish laughed.
“Okay. I’ll do it.”
A nurse pushed Radish out of the infirmary in a wheelchair. Radish carefully stepped off and thanked him.
He walked to the long-term care wing, and checked in at the reception counter. He entered Harold’s room to find him still asleep. Princess Celestia was at his bedside, holding a small sunflower in a bud vase.
“Ma’am?”
“Oh, lieutenant. You came to see him, too. That’s very kind of you.”
“Well, he’s the whole reason we knew about the threat. It could have gone a lot worse without him.”
“Indeed.” Celestia placed the flower on Harold’s side table. “Radish, have you wondered why the changeling swarm didn’t simply infiltrate Canterlot society cautiously and quietly using their shapeshifting?”
“I haven’t had time to reflect on their strategy.”
“Their queen enjoyed taunting and ranting at Cadance while holding her captive. Cadance learned a lot of details about them that way. The queen was scouting out Canterlot all last week, intending to replace me.”
“Why didn’t she?”
“Once Luna found her torturing Harold, the castle went on high alert and Shining raised his shield. She was trapped, cut off from her minions, and unable to get near me. She targeted Cadance in order to undermine Shining.
“Because of the alert, the changeling army had to deal with the shield, the heightened security, and all the obstacles you put between them and Luna. In absence of their queen, they defaulted to instinctual swarming behavior.”
“If it hadn’t been for Harold, we all could have been replaced, one-by-one,” realized Radish.
“Yes. And Luna says he refused to give her any information, even under torture. I feel like our accounts are squared now. I can forgive him for his deception… and it feels good to forgive. It also feels good to give him this.”
She pulled out a small circular medal.
“The Citizen Medal of Bravery. He earned it.” She put it next to the sunflower, and placed her hoof on his. “Get well soon, Harold. I would like to start over, as friends.”
She turned to leave, but was stopped by Harold's hoof still holding onto hers. He made a guttural noise, and opened his eyes. “Princess Celestia… I would like that as well.”
“Harold!” exclaimed Radish. “How do you feel?”
“Better. And I bring news of the enemy.”
“The changeling queen?” asked Celestia.
“Yes. I saw her sinking into a coma just as I was slipping out of mine. She is now stuck deep in a mire of her own nightmares.”
“Ah, that’s good news,” said Celestia.
“And she was screaming. She bellowed her name at her nightmares in an attempt to intimidate them.”
“Her name?”
“Chrysalis.”
“Chrysalis? Hmm. I’ll have the name researched at once. Thank you, Harold. You’ve done well.”
“It is my honor, Princess Celestia.”
“I’ll fetch your doctor. Once you’re up for it, let's take a look at your plans to upgrade the orrery.”
“I look forward to it.”
Celestia nodded smiling, then took her leave.
“Need anything?” asked Radish.
Harold leaned back tranquilly. “Nothing at all.”
Radish walked through the palace’s back halls toward his bunk room. He found Saguaro Shade staring out a large window overlooking Canterlot. He was chewing a stalk of stinging nettle in his mouth- a habit that was banned from most areas of the palace.
“Root. Good to see you up and about.”
“Corporal, how are you?”
“Ashamed, Root. That changeling queen made a damn fool of us. Especially me. Guarding the train station- I should have known. This almost went very bad.”
He unsheathed his sword and showed Radish the engraving of his wife.
“Still haven’t gotten blood on her,” he said. “Or whatever those things are filled with. Don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to make that claim. We won the battle, Root, but the war has just begun.”
“Sir, what are we going to do? We have enemies that could be anyone, anywhere. You don’t even know if I’m a changeling or not right now!”
“Princess Cadenza says the repelling spell has created a no-changeling zone in most of Central Equestria for the time being. If any come close, the ambient background love will overwhelm them and foul up their disguise. And they got hit pretty hard, too- they may be limping along for a while.”
“Harold reports that their queen is comatose now,” said Radish.
Saguaro Shade re-sheathed his blade.
“Good to hear. But that may not last forever. We’re going to have to completely rethink the way we handle security. That means changeling-checking any way we can- spells, passcodes, even blood tests. I hear Sparkle first got suspicious because the queen didn’t know a nursery rhyme. Who knows? Maybe we’ll all be singing ‘Sunshine, Sunshine ’ to each other now.”
“Hmm. The theme song for a new era of paranoia.”
“Beats no new era at all. I heard your cutie marks made a good shibboleth, too.”
“True. That was Twilight’s idea, too.”
“Damn clever of her. Special gal, that Twilight Sparkle. Brainy and brave. Not a great dancer, but quite a good singer. Building up a good track record in my book.”
“Mine too.”
“Bet she’d look good engraved on your sword.”
Radish chuckled. “I doubt the captain would approve of a customization like that.”
“The captain will probably be moving on now that he’s a prince. Princess Celestia will probably have him ruling over some other corner of the kingdom.”
“You think? I hadn’t considered that. No more Shining Armor around here. End of an era.”
“And the start of a brand new one.”
Radish looked out the window. The city was bathed in late afternoon sunlight. He smiled. “Let’s make it a good one, then.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“Looking good, Rad,” said Spats, watching Radish comb his hair in their barracks bathroom.
“Thanks.”
“What are you wearing to poetry night?”
“My duster.”
“I mean, under it. Midtowners are trendy, in that they despise the latest trends. You’ll want to wear something from about five years ago- anything newer than that, and they’ll see you as a poser. I’m thinking dark corduroys and plaid.”
Radish sighed.
“Twilight wants me to take pride in my cutie marks. Show them off to the world. I’m going unclothed in the café.”
Spats looked at Radish’s cutie mark. Radish had conditioned and brushed it, making it the cleanest Spats had ever seen it- the colors were bright and the edges were well-defined. Even the little Celestia looked prettier.
“Is that… uh… legal?”
“We’ll have to see.”
“You’ve got moxie, Rad. If the gendarmes harry you over it, send for me. I’ll spring you from the clink.”
“But you don’t have your law degree yet.”
“I don’t need one to defend you. No jury in Canterlot is going to put away a hero of the Battle of the Brides.”
“Is that what they’re calling it? It’s kind of a playful name for a full-scale enemy invasion.”
“Alliteration sells papers. Here, let me get that.”
He took a comb in his aura and flattened a cowlick behind Radish’s ear.
“So… you and Twilight hitting the town. May I ask… uh… is this a night for a floral cologne… or a spicy cologne?”
“If you’re asking if this is a date date… Spats, I don’t know."
"Do you want it to be?"
"Twilight’s wonderful. She’s smart, cute, and a national hero. Any guy would be lucky to date her."
"But?"
"But she just doesn’t… rile me up inside.”
“Ah. That’s pretty important, Rad.”
“Should I just get over myself? Maybe my insides don’t know what’s good for me.”
“How does she feel about you?”
“It’s hard to read. She likes to hug, but her whole group of friends is really huggy. None of her letters ever suggested an interest in dating, with anyone.”
“I guess you’ll find out tonight. Whatever happens… you’ve got us,” Spats said, nodding back to the bunkroom, where Radish’s bunkmates were getting dressed for their own nights out on the town.
“Thanks.”
“I’d go with a woodsy cologne. It signals that you’re open to getting close, but not expecting it.”
“Good. That’s the only kind I have.”
“Really? When’s your birthday?”
Showered, dressed, preened, and smelling of oakmoss and cloves, Radish trotted down the back halls of the palace. He reached the tower containing guest quarters and checked in with the front desk guard.
“Hi, I’m here to see Twilight Sparkle.”
“Nopony gets upstairs without submitting to a Changeling Check.”
“Okay. Hit me.”
“How long does it take to pull a standard cartload of cloud vapor barrels from Timbucktoo to Mooieville?”
“Cloud vapor isn’t transported by cart. Or in barrels. And it’s pronounced ‘Moo-uh-ville’.”
“Correct. A hot air balloon crashes on the border between-”
“You don’t bury survivors.”
“Let me finish, please. Crashes on the border between Zebrica and Giraffenia. Where do they bury the survivors?”
“You don’t bury survivors.”
“Correct. What’s the best way to keep milk fresh?”
“Keep it in the cow.”
“Correct.”
“Are we sure changelings don’t know that one?”
“Why would they? Anyway, you’re clear to go up.”
“Thanks.”
Radish entered the guest tower elevator. This one had an operator on duty. She pulled the lever to take Radish to the girls’ floor.
“Taking Lady Sparkle out on the town, huh?” she asked.
“That’s right.”
“As soon as Shining Armor wasn’t around, huh?”
“You implying something?”
“Not at all. You inferring something?”
“Not at all.”
They reached the floor Twilight and her friends were staying on. Radish exited the elevator.
“Have a good evening. But not too good,” the operator said, and shut the door.
Radish walked down the hall, reading the door numbers. He heard a door open behind him, but before he could turn to look, something yanked his legs out from under him and dragged him through it. The door shut and locked behind him, leaving him in a dimly-lit room surrounded by shadowy figures.
He took a low defensive stance. The lights of the room clicked on, and he found himself facing Twilight’s five friends. He backed away, warily.
“Need something, ladies?”
“Yes. Lieutenant, we wish to have a word with you before you step out with Twilight tonight,” Rarity said.
“Let me guess. Something along the lines of, ‘if you do anything to hurt her’?”
The girls grimaced and sullenly looked at the floor.
“Well," said Fluttershy, “the thing is… we’ve all hurt her already.”
“We were completely dismissive of her concerns regarding Cadance, and it nearly led to total disaster,” said Rarity.
“It was doggone thickheaded of us,” sighed Applejack.
“I didn’t believe her either,” admitted Radish.
“But you had an excuse. You had to obey orders,” said Rainbow Dash. “We just got wrapped up in being a part of a royal wedding.”
“We got so dazzled by the glitz and glamor, we didn’t want to believe there was anything wrong!” said Pinkie Pie.
“So, to help make up for it,” said Fluttershy. “We’d like to help you two have the best first date ever!”
"Is, uh, is she actually calling this a date? A date date?”
"Oh, Radish!" laughed Rarity. "Does she have to? She’s been excited about this all day! A girl doesn’t act that way for a mere outing with a friend."
The other girls nodded in smiling agreement.
Radish looked down. "Well, now I don’t know what to do."
"Don't worry 'bout a thing! We're here to help," said Applejack, putting a hoof across his shoulders.
"Meaning?"
“Here you go,” said Pinkie Pie, tossing him a coin bag. “Tonight is on us. Go nuts!”
Radish checked inside the bag. He whistled at the amount.
“We all contributed a chunk of our wedding commissions,” explained Rainbow Dash. “There’s part of a Sonic Rainboom in there.”
“Thanks, gals.”
“Now, the fun part- spiffing you up!” squealed Rarity. “What better way to apologize to Twilight than to ensure her date is the most dapper stallion in the… where are you two going, again?”
“A Midtown coffee bar.”
“Oh, Radish, surely you can do better than that. I have an in with the manager at Plateless. She could squeeze you into a late seating.”
“That’s a restaurant?”
“Well, she calls it a ‘curated tasting experience’.”
“For fuck’s sake, Rarity.”
“Ah, well… perhaps that’s more of a one-year anniversary venue. Though their concept will probably be passé in a year. Now, let’s have a look at the state of you.”
Rarity stepped back to appraise his appearance. She walked a full circle around him, gazing up and down.
“Now,” she said, “did you deliberately comb your mane that way? And if so, what was your line of thinking?”
Radish sighed and dipped his head toward her. “Just do what you want with it.”
“Well, I don’t have time for that . But I can at least…” She floated a comb to his mane and curled it high to one side. “Ah. Now that’s a handsome look. You should consider keeping it this way from now on.”
“My mane has to thread through my helmet.”
“Oh, of course. What sacrifices you make for the service! Don’t think we don’t appreciate it.”
“Thanks.”
“Now, we understand that Twilight wishes you go marks-out tonight. Let’s see them, dear.”
Radish pulled off his duster. The girls gathered around to peer at his marks.
“Why, you’ve cleaned them up nicely! I can even make out the… oh, wait, that’s lint,” Rarity said, pulling it off with her magic. “Now, as for this-”
She held up his duster in her aura.
“Honestly, what were you thinking, Radish? It’s covered in dust!”
“It’s a duster.”
“No, dear, it’s a dust-est. Rainbow Dash, would you go blow-dry this until it ceases to live up to its name?”
“On it,” Rainbow Dash said, taking it out to the balcony.
“Now, don’t worry too much about lookin’ all duded up,” said Applejack. “It’s how you treat a gal that matters.”
"How do you treat a gal?"
“Well, we don’t have time for a full course in etiquette," said Rarity, "but let’s go over some basics. Remember- the gentlecolt allows the lady to go first, except when descending stairs, helping her out of a carriage or gondola, or leading her to the dance floor.”
“Gondola?”
“And compliment her looks,” said Fluttershy. “She’s probably spent a long time getting ready tonight.”
“And girls love a guy who can make them laugh!” said Pinkie Pie. “Here! These are jokes from my private supply! They’re witty, topical, and edge-cuttingly edgy!”
She passed him a stack of index cards. Radish looked at the top card. “What’s brown and sticky? A stick ."
Pinkie Pie burst out laughing. “A stick! It works on so many levels!”
“Remember, be a good listener,” said Applejack. “Even when she’s talking borin’ sciencey stuff.”
Rarity pushed Pinkie Pie in front of Radish. “Now, show me how you’d kiss a lady’s hoof. I will critique your technique.”
Pinkie Pie extended her right hoof and put on a posh accent. “Good evening, good sir! Let us away to the merriment!”
“Salutations and felicitations, milady,” said Radish, bowing. He took her hoof in his and kissed it. Pinkie Pie giggled.
“Well, that will do, minus the sarcasm,” said Rarity.
“Hey, this thing is ready,” said Rainbow Dash, returning with the duster. “No charge.”
Radish took it and put it back on. “Thanks. Are we done here? She’s waiting.”
“One last thing,” said Rainbow Dash. “I put something in the pocket. Open it when you’re alone.”
Radish pulled a small envelope out of his pocket. He opened it.
“Hey!” protested Dash.
Radish pulled out a note. “Dear Radish. Twilight has a bright future ahead of her. Please play it safe .”
Radish shook the envelope over his hoof. A condom fell out.
“Oh, my,” said Fluttershy, blushing behind her wings.
“Dash!” hissed Applejack. “What were you thinkin’?”
“What?” asked Rainbow Dash. “We want them to be responsible, don’t we?”
“It’s a medium ,” said Radish.
“Well, what did you want me to do, measure you!? Honestly, you try to do something nice for a guy-”
The door to the hall swung open. Twilight walked in. She wore a mauve turtleneck and had her mane in a simple side plait.
“Oh, Radish! There you are! My room is the next one over.”
Radish quickly stuffed his gift from Rainbow Dash into his pocket.
“Er, Twilight,” said Rarity. “Would you like our help finishing getting ready? Or… starting getting ready?”
“This is what I’m wearing,” said Twilight. “The Canterlot city guidebook said that Midtowners frown upon putting too much effort into one’s appearance.”
“Oh, do they?” scoffed Rarity.
Radish walked up to Twilight. “Good evening, Twilight. You look lovely,” he said, taking and kissing her hoof.
“My, my!” she giggled. “What a gentlecolt!”
“Goodnight, girls,” he said to the rest of the group, and led Twilight out.
“Night, Radish! Night, Twilight!” said Pinkie Pie, waving.
“Enjoy yourselves!” said Rarity.
“And be safe!" called Rainbow Dash as Radish shut the door. Radish led Twilight back to the elevator.
“I like your hair,” she said. “And you smell nice.”
“Thanks. So do... you…” Radish recognized Twilight’s fragrance. It was the one Rarity took from Nightmare Moon’s lair. “Did Rarity give you that perfume?”
“She did! She said a spicy perfume would be just perfect for tonight.”
“Did she say why?”
“It must have something to do with the aromas of a coffeehouse, I guess.”
“Your friends are pretty thoughtful.”
“I think they all feel guilty about the wedding.”
“Probably. I feel guilty about it.”
“Well, stop," said Twilight firmly. "It’s time for all of us to move on.”
“Yeah, moving on works for me.”
The two took a cab into Midtown Canterlot’s Arts and Entertainment District. They stepped out in front of a coffeehouse.
“Well, this is it,” said Radish, looking up at the sign. “Bold Roast’s Blooming Grounds. I saw an article about their poetry nights when I first moved to Canterlot. Poetry is an old Ranger tradition, so I’ve always been curious what city poetry is like.”
“I’ve never been here. But I didn’t get out much when I lived in Canterlot,” said Twilight. “And remember our deal.”
“I know,” said Radish, looking at his duster-covered body. “It’s just that… I’ve never gone out in public showing them.”
“Nopony should be ashamed of their marks. Especially not one with an Iron Barding medal. And look!”
She pointed to a sign on the door which read “No minors”.
“Well, that’s a relief,” said Radish. “Okay. Let’s go.”
They entered the café. It was crowded. Radish saw a coat rack and walked up to it. He took a deep breath, and looked back to Twilight, who smiled and nodded. He removed his duster, and hung it up.
He turned back to the room. Nopony was staring at him. None were even noticing him. Some passed their eyes over him while looking around, and then returned to other sights. They chatted, but not about him. They laughed, but not at his expense. A unicorn waitress trotted past him, floating a tray.
“There’s open tables over there,” she said, instead of telling him to leave.
A group passed him as they left the café. They just smiled or nodded, instead of sneering and recoiling.
Radish stood silent, taking in the inattention. Twilight trotted up to him.
“You good?” she asked.
“No one cares. I’ve hid these all my life, and no one in here cares.”
She nudged him. “What did I say? This is Midtown. These ponies see a dozen weirder things than you before breakfast. Come on, before all the seats are taken.”
They took a table in the center of the café. Radish had never felt so exposed, or so comfortable in his own fur.
“This is my treat, by the way,” said Twilight.
“What? No. You’re the hero of the Battle of the Brides.”
“Is that what the Guard is calling it? That’s an awfully flippant name for a full-scale invasion.”
“Alliteration sells papers. Just let me pay, okay?”
“Okay, but only if you get up there and read your poem.”
“What makes you think I brought a poem?”
“You said poetry is a Ranger tradition. And you look like a guy who’s got something to say to the world.”
“It’s… just a few thoughts.”
“I can’t wait to hear it! A Radish Root original.”
“Twilight… there are more ponies in here than I thought there’d be.”
“That means there are more who will love it.”
“Maybe you should proofread it first.”
“But I want to be surprised when I hear it.”
“I don’t think I can do it.”
“Lieutenant Root, did her majesty hire a coward? Did the Plains Rangers employ a scaredy-cat?”
Radish bristled, then relaxed.
“Fine. I’ll go.”
“Great!”
“After I’ve had some coffee.”
The waitress from before took their orders. They looked around, taking in the crowd. Twilight and Radish both noticed a trio of mares in a far booth. Two were pegasi, one was a unicorn. One was familiar.
“Hey, I know her- in the middle,” said Twilight. “That’s Hazy Shade. She works at a bookstore in town. I used to see her all the time.”
“Oh yeah, we’ve met. I asked her out once,” chuckled Radish.
“Really?” asked Twilight in surprise. “You two have dated?”
“No, she said she was with someone.”
Hazy Shade leaned over to one of her companions, a peach-colored unicorn mare. The two kissed.
“That might be the someone,” guessed Radish.
Twilight looked at Radish, then glanced around the room, then noticed how close she was sitting to Radish. She made a small gasp.
“Oh my gosh,” she said. “I just realized. It might look to everyone here like we’re on a date. If you were hoping to meet girls tonight, I may be stopping them from approaching you.”
Radish looked at Twilight. He saw sincere concern for him in her eyes. A warmth spread from his chest up to the back of his head. He smiled.
“Twilight…”
“I didn’t mean to cramp your style. That’s the term, right?”
“Twilight .”
“Should I say something? Like, make an announcement to the room that we’re just friends? Do you want to take separate tables?”
Radish laughed. “Twilight! Calm down! You wanted to hang out with your friend tonight, right?”
“Right.”
“Then let’s hang out. I can meet girls any time. Thanks to you, I’m not afraid anymore.”
“Okay.”
“Besides, I doubt anyone here would think we're dating."
"Why not?"
"You’re part of the royal family now. Everyone probably expects you to date some noblepony. I probably just look like your bodyguard.”
“You think?”
“And you know what? If I were given that role, I’d be honored. I'd protect you and your special somepony with my life."
“Aww, thanks. But I don’t want a bodyguard. I've put you in enough danger. And I’m still learning about friendship, so I’m a long way off from having a boyfriend.”
Radish held up his hooves. “So, then, friends for life?”
She pressed her hooves into his. “Of course! Friends for life.”
“That feels right.”
“But it looks like you're done with your coffee. It's poetry time.”
“Ugh, this is going to hurt.”
“At least you have a friend with you.”
“Yeah, I do. Thanks, Twilight.”
“Three, four, five!” said Pinkie Pie, dropping her game piece on a square across the board from her. “Ooh! I made it to Go! King me!”
“That ain’t how this is played, Pinkie,” sighed Applejack. “Hey, Rarity, your turn!”
“Coming, dear!” called Rarity from the guest room’s bathroom. She returned to the game with her hair in curlers. She checked the wall clock. “Ooh, Twilight and Radish must be well into their date by now. I do hope it’s going well.”
“How well?” asked Fluttershy. “Do you think they’re still at the café, or do you think they’ve gone… somewhere else?”
Pinkie Pie tittered.
“I’m sure he’s being a complete gentlecolt,” said Rarity sternly. “I would expect nothing less from a lieutenant of their majesties’ Royal Guard. And Twilight doesn’t strike me as the kind of girl who would… go somewhere else… on a first date.”
“Are you kidding?” laughed Pinkie Pie. “I bet they’re both super-duper pent up! They’re probably going at it like rabbits now!”
“Oh, that’s a misconception,” said Fluttershy. “Rabbits actually-”
“She didn’t ask,” sighed Rainbow Dash. “Say, Radish sure seemed offended at the medium. How far off do you think I was?"
“I bet Twilight is taking his measurement right now,” chuckled Pinkie Pie. “Over and over and over...”
Rainbow Dash lowered her voice. "You don't think he's, like, sized for Celestia, do you?"
"Could we talk about somethin' other than Radish's... root?" sighed Applejack.
"Now, Applejack, there's nothing wrong with a little naughty talk about friends," said Rarity. "Why, I say it's high time for both of them."
"You know," said Fluttershy, "one time Radish asked me out."
“No foolin’?” laughed Applejack. “Me too! Last Hearts and Hooves Day.”
Fluttershy frowned. “Oh.”
“What, was he working his way through this group?” mused Rainbow Dash.
“Whoa, could you imagine if he got rejected by all six of us?” pondered Pinkie Pie. “That’s a supervillain origin story if I’ve ever heard one!”
“Then we should make a pact,” said Rainbow Dash. “If none of us are married to Radish by the time he’s thirty…”
The others leaned in close.
“…we kill him.”
Radish returned to his table amidst light and scattered applause. He slumped down into his seat and hunched over the table.
“That was great!” Twilight cheered.
“No, it wasn’t. Barely anyone was listening. Hardly anyone reacted.”
“That’s how these places work- it’s uncool to enjoy something too much. Your poem was technically proficient and suitably poignant. And don’t think the audience didn’t catch those metaphors.”
“Well, I never metaphor I didn’t like.”
“Ooh. Good thing this wasn’t comedy night.”
“Aww.”
“Hey, let me get the next round of drinks,” said Twilight. “As your reward for going up there.”
“Okay. Could you get me something strong?”
“Strongly caffeinated or strongly alcoholic?”
“See if there’s something that’s both.”
Twilight patted his shoulder and walked to the counter. Radish put his head on the table and closed his eyes. He heard the chair opposite him scrape the floor, and he looked.
Sitting in Twilight’s chair was a fuchsia pegasus mare with a short, yellow mane. She was grinning at him.
“Hi there,” she said. “I liked your poem.”
“Okay, but seriously, girls,” said Rarity, filing her hooves, “marry, fuck, kill: Radish, Shining Armor, and… oh! Twilight’s father.”
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Seriously?”
"Not a fan of those options? Well then, how about Radish, Shining Armor... and Soarin' ," Rarity said, grinning and leaning into Dash's personal space.
Dash frowned. "Are you implying something?"
“Oh, I don’t want to kill anyone,” said Fluttershy. “And could we use something else besides, f- uh, that middle word?”
“Okay, fine ,” sighed Rarity. “Marry, hug , and, uh, wave at from a distance?”
“I think I actually did wave at Soarin' from a distance,” said Pinkie Pie. “And Shining Armor probably makes the biggest paycheck, so…”
“Oh?” said Applejack, sitting up. “So you’re sayin’ you would… hug… Radish?”
“Well… he seems pretty huggable to me,” she said, smirking. “What about you, Fluttershy?”
“I’d hug Twilight’s dad.”
The others gasped.
“Hey Radish,” Twilight said, carrying their drinks in her aura, “turns out they do have something that’s both. Check out this- oh!”
Twilight stopped in her tracks. The pegasus girl who was with Hazy Shade had sat down with Radish and was engaged in conversation with him. She looked cool. He looked interested. They looked good together. Twilight waited by the counter, sipping her latte.
“Hey, Twilight Sparkle! Long time, no see!”
She turned to see Hazy Shade, carrying a beer in one wing and a smoothie in the other.
“Hazy Shade! Good to see you. You were always my favorite bookseller in Canterlot.”
“Aww, thanks. So, I see you finally got Radish Root out of his pants.”
“Yes. I’m very proud of him. Oh! But we’re not dating!”
Hazy Shade laughed. “No one here thought you were. But everyone’s excited to finally see those famous cutie marks of his. They’re amazing.”
“Really? Nopony’s reacted to them.”
“Well, that would be rude, wouldn’t it?”
“Is she your friend?” Twilight asked, nodding to the girl with Radish.
“Yep. She brought a poem to read tonight, but chickened out. How’d you get yours to do it?”
“I called him a coward.”
“Ha! You really go for the throat. You’re a good friend, Twilight Sparkle. Well, I should get this beer to Peachy. And it looks like Radish has some good news to share.”
The girl wrote something down for Radish, then hovered away, grinning. Twilight carried the drinks back to their table.
“Well, well, well! I step away for one minute, and girls immediately pounce on you. I ought to be insulted.”
“Look!” he said, proudly showing her the scrap of paper. “It’s her personal messenger pigeon number. Her name is Light Fantastic. She said my cutie mark is a trip!”
“That’s great!”
“You were right, Twilight. Thanks for coming out with me here tonight. I owe you big time.”
“Friends don’t keep track.”
Pinkie Pie pressed her ear up against the guest room door, listening to hoofsteps in the hallway. She grinned.
“Guys! I can hear Twilight! She’s returning to her ro-oom!” She frowned. “But she’s alone.”
A magic aura flung the door open, shoving Pinkie Pie into the wall. Twilight stepped in, grinning.
“Hey, girls! I saw the light on in here. I’m glad you’re all still awake.”
“Twilight? You’re back already?” asked Fluttershy.
“Already? We were out pretty late.”
“Did you and Radish have a nice time tonight?” asked Applejack.
“Oh, you bet! I got to hear his poetry, and we shared an affogato!”
“Poetry? I had no idea the lieutenant had a poet’s heart,” Rarity remarked.
“Affo-what now?” asked Pinkie Pie, peeling herself off the wall.
“It’s a scoop of ice cream drowned in espresso and liqueur,” explained Twilight. “It’s both caffeinated and alcoholic.”
“So, after Radish read you his poetry, did he… try anything?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“I just told you. An affogato.”
Radish hung up his duster and lay back in his bunk. He leaned his head on his hooves and smiled.
Spats walked into the room, muttering to himself. He saw Radish.
“Rad! You look happy. Nice night?”
“It was. I met someone.”
“Someone? Someone other than Twilight?”
“Twilight’s not looking for a relationship. And that’s fine. She’s a great friend, and I’ll always love her as one.”
“Ah. That’s nice. Closure and a new beginning on the same night. So, tell me about her.”
“Her name is Light Fantastic. She's a pegasus. She's got big pretty eyes, a big bright smile, and a short mane that flips from side-to-side when she talks. And she likes my cutie mark."
"She sounds like a jewel, Rad. Congrats."
"Wait, why are you here? I thought you had a date tonight. You’re never back from a date this early.”
“I got closure, too. She broke up with me.”
“Aw, I’m sorry, Spats.”
“Don’t be. Her sister asked me out. We’re seeing each other next week.”
“We’re a lucky couple of stallions, Spats. Need one of these? Rainbow Dash thought she was being helpful.”
He held out the condom. Spats squinted at it.
“A medium? That’s hurtful.”
“I know, right?”
“Let’s put it in the captain’s mailbox.”
“Hey, guys, what’s all the racket?” asked Spike, entering the girls’ guest room while rubbing his eyes and yawning. “Whoa, Twilight? You’re back? Tonight?”
“Spike!” said Twilight excitedly, “I’m glad you’re here! I was just about to tell everyone- Radish met a girl tonight!”
Spike and the others looked at each other.
“Like… a different girl?” asked Spike.
“Different? Different from what?” Twilight asked.
“Think we can get our money back?” Pinkie Pie whispered to Applejack.
“You know what?” Rainbow Dash said. “If you’re happy, and he’s happy, we’re happy.”
“You bet I’m happy! Spike, take a letter. And use the extra-nice ink. This is an extra-nice occasion.”
Dear Princess Celestia,
I finally got to spend an evening on the town with my pen pal, Lt. Radish Root. I saw a whole new side to him, and had the privilege of getting to see him start a new relationship with a very cute girl.
I know that must come as a relief to you as well, seeing you were the object of his precocial infatuation for so very long. You must be proud that he’s moved past his crush on you and found something real.
I've never seen him so happy! He thanked me for encouraging him to take the extra step needed to make it happen. It goes to show that a friend by your side may be just what you need to get you out of your comfort zone and into a new adventure.
Yours faithfully,
Twilight Sparkle
Celestia read the letter over again. She leaned back on her courtyard bench, looking up at the Balencian orange tree. She magically picked an orange and let the peel fall away. She nibbled a slice.
“Well, I suppose that’s that.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Shoofly entered the bunkhouse to find a group of guards all waiting around in the common room.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
“Everyone wanted to see Radish off on his big date,” said Spats.
“Oh, yeah. Are we sure she’s not another Warmblood? Or a changeling, for that matter?” asked Shoofly.
Bunker Buster lowered his voice. “Gazeta -you know, that new palace correspondent- has been looking into her for us. Light Fantastic is well-known around Midtown. Been running an art shop for six years. Originally from Cirruscinnati. No criminal record.”
Radish emerged into the common room, wearing a new powder blue linen shirt and dark corduroys.
“So, how do I look?” asked Radish.
“Like a dreamboat!” assured Spats. The rest of the guards murmured in assent.
“Thanks, guys.”
“So, where are you taking her?” asked Cairn.
“That revolving restaurant downtown. I’ve always wanted to check it out.”
Shoofly raised an eyebrow. "Uh, you're taking a pegasus girl... to the highest place you could think of?"
Radish froze. "Is... is that bad?"
"I mean, how would an earth pony feel if their date took them to a farmer's market?" asked Zero.
Radish thought about it. "It would be... hokey... at best. At worst, they'd feel stereotyped..." Radish paced the floor in a panic. "I've fucked myself, haven't I? I've ruined everything before even the first date!"
"Rad! Calm down!” said Maple Bar. “A girl doesn't go to dinner with a guy for the restaurant. She goes for the guy ."
“Mape, I’ve got one chance to make a good impression with this girl. Everything has to be perfect.”
“Rad,” said Spats, approaching him, “you know the most important piece of dating advice any of us can give you?”
“Be yourself?”
“Exactly.”
“But myself is me ,” sighed Radish.
“And that’s amazing ,” said Spats. He turned to the room. “Tell him, guys.”
“You’ve worked with dragons!” said Maple Bar.
“You discovered the Storm Centurions’ final resting place!” said Cairn.
“You brought home the lost tribe of bat ponies!” said Bunker Buster.
“You waltzed with a princess!” said Zero.
“You took down a crime ring!” said Shoofly.
“And you fought off the changeling horde!” said Spats. “Light Fantastic should be worried about making a good impression on you .”
Radish looked down at himself. He straightened his cuffs. “Thanks, friends.”
Radish and Light Fantastic stepped out of a taxi in front of Ditzy’s, Downtown Canterlot’s famed revolving restaurant. Light looked up at the building. Radish braced himself for her reaction.
She raised an eyebrow. “You took me- a pegasus- to the highest place you could think of?”
“Well, uh…”
She smirked and punched his shoulder. “You big dork. Come on, I’m hungry.”
They entered the lobby and took the long elevator to the top.
“You know, I’ve never been here,” said Light, reading the menu on the elevator wall. “All my friends say this place is too mainstream.”
“Too mainstream? I didn’t even know that was something to worry about.”
Light smiled. They reached the restaurant level and were shown to a booth aside one of the tall curving windows. Radish pressed his face against the glass and gazed out at the sky.
“Whoa,” he said.
“Whoa, what?” asked Light.
“I’ve never seen clouds up close like this before. I didn’t know they were textured like that on top.”
“Most aren’t. That cloud is for walking on, so it has a non-slip surface. Weather clouds have spongy areas where you can stick your hooves in. And decorative clouds are delicate, so they’re not really made to be touched at all.”
“Huh. I never knew any of that. The pegasi I know never talk about clouds.”
He heard Light chuckle. He turned to her. “What?”
“It’s just that… talking about this stuff takes me back to my first job. I started off as a cloud shaper.”
“You worked a weather job?”
“Yeah, but not for very long. They canned me for getting too wild with the shapes. So I turned that into a new career- making cloud sculptures.”
“Sculptures? Like for parks?”
“For galleries and collectors. I could adjust their transparency, tweak their colors, even get them to rain on themselves- like a fountain that doesn’t need plumbing.”
“I’ve never seen a sculpture like that.”
“They don’t last long at lower altitudes. You only see them in the highest pegasus cities.”
“Then how’d you end up in Canterlot?”
“I wanted to expand my skill set to more universal media. Canterlot was the artistic center of Equestria in those days, so I came here hoping to learn from the best.”
“Is it not the artistic center now?”
“Nah. That’s Seaddle.”
“I guess I know even less about art than I thought I did. Hey, do you know what Frosty Dawn’s Untitled #17 is supposed to be?”
“Mmm hmm. Apprehension over major life changes.”
“Oh,” said Radish, looking off to the side.
“What?”
“I thought it was a bug.”
Light leaned back. “A… a bug?”
“Sorry.”
“Never apologize for an honest interpretation of a work.”
“Okay.”
“But… a bug?”
“I won’t apologize.”
“Good.”
Radish and Light exited the restaurant. Radish waved for a cab.
“So…” he said, looking down.
“So…?”
“So, the last time I got this far into a date, she tried to stab me. I don’t know what to do now,” admitted Radish.
Light leaned forward. “Well, normally, this is the part where you’d ask for a second date.”
“Can I have a second date?”
Radish entered the bunkhouse common room. Spats was on the couch reading. He looked up at Radish.
“Rad! How’d it go?”
Radish smiled. “We’re seeing each other again next weekend.”
“Fabulous. Need suggestions on where to take her?”
“No need. She’s taking me to the farmers market.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish and Light strolled through Canterlot’s farmers market, taking in the sights, sounds, and aromas. Ponies were selling produce, homemade goods, gifts, and snacks from the many booths.
Light paused in front of one. She stared at a basket of fat, squat brown root vegetables.
“What… are these?” she asked.
“Jicama.”
“Hicka-what?”
“They’re great. You can make fries out of them.”
She wandered over to the next stall, which had several varieties of bananas laid out.
“Wait… all of these are different kinds of bananas?” she asked.
“Yeah, why?”
“I didn’t know there were this many. I’ve only seen the regular ones at the store.”
“Oh, there’s way more varieties than this,” said Radish. “Thousands, actually, depending on how you count them.”
“Thousands!” She started to gather some up in her hooves. “Well, now I have to try them all.”
Radish smiled. “Now you’re the one taking me back. After Celestia fixed things between me and my parents, we actually started to enjoy farm life. I wanted to grow every kind of crop there was.”
“And did you?”
“Well, not every crop will grow in the Flint Steppes.”
“It must have been weird, having Celestia just show up in your bedroom one day.”
“Yeah, it sure was. There were times when I questioned if it really happened.”
“But you two are really on good terms now?”
“Yeah. Things have never been better between us.”
Radish’s bunkmates gathered around a poker table in their common room. Spats dealt.
“So, uh, Rad’s on his second date,” he said.
“Mmm hmm,” said Maple Bar.
“After that is the third date,” said Spats. “And you know what they say about the third date.”
“Okay, I’m just going to put this out there,” said Bunker Buster. “Is anyone else worried about what would happen if Radish has sex with someone who’s not Celestia?”
“Why?” asked Maple Bar. “What do you think could happen?”
“What if, like, the universe explodes because he went against his cutie mark?”
“Oh, come on,” said Zero. “My cutie mark is a dartboard- the universe doesn’t explode when I play backgammon.”
“But you know how you got your cutie mark,” said Bunker Buster. “Rad’s is a big cosmic mystery. The cosmos might take exception to being defied.”
“Well,” said Spats, “if Radish being happy destroys the universe, so be it. It was an honor working with you all.”
“I’m more worried about Celestia,” said Zero. “First Halcyon had to leave unexpectedly, then her niece got married, and now Radish is off the market.”
“Celestia operates on a level far above us all,” said Bunker Buster. “I doubt she has desires like a normal pony.”
“And she’s never felt that way about Radish,” added Spats with a shrug. “It’s not like she’s going to start now.”
“I call this day’s proceedings to a close,” said Princess Celestia from her throne.
Her court stenographer, Cricket, concluded her transcript and started to pack up her things. Celestia stretched and worked out the numbness in her lower back.
“I think we did some real good today,” the princess said.
“Yes, ma’am. I agree,” said Cricket. “I’m glad we finally got those gazebo standards settled.”
“Do you have any plans for the weekend?”
“My sister and I are going rock climbing, ma’am.”
“Ah, what fun.”
Celestia shifted her weight on her throne. She leaned on her hoof with a smile. “So, Cricket… any good gossip around the castle lately?”
“Ma’am, your employees are discouraged from engaging in scuttlebuttery.”
“Oh, come on . Surely you must have heard something juicy. Something that has the whole palace abuzz, perhaps?”
Cricket finished packing her equipment and looked at her princess. “Come to think of it, I heard something about Lieutenant Root recently…”
Celestia leaned forward. “Oh, really?”
“Now, what was it? Something about him… and somepony else…”
“Yes?”
“Oh, I just can’t think of it right now. Maybe an hour in the royal spa would rejuvenate my memory?”
Celestia leaned back. “I don’t think so, Cricket.”
“Okay, maybe I bought too many bananas,” Light said, struggling with the bulk and weight of her purchased fruit. “Why didn’t you stop me?”
“I’d never want to kill a pony’s enthusiasm for the agricultural arts,” said Radish. “Here, let me get those.”
He put her purchases in his own bags.
“Come on,” said Light, “my shop is a few blocks from here. We can have a tasting there.”
Light led Radish down the streets of Midtown, past vintage clothing stores, bars, and adult boutiques. Her shop was on a sycamore-shaded street, squeezed between a pizza parlor and a barber.
“So, this is it,” she said, unlocking the door. “The rent is really good, because the utilities on this block are really bad.”
Radish read the store’s name off the front sign. “Cat’s Howl? What does that mean?”
“The question is, what does it mean to you ?”
“Oh, it’s that kind of thing, huh?”
She led him inside. The store was long and narrow, with aisles of art supplies down the center, and various colorful T-shirts, posters, and bumper stickers featuring odd phrases in wild fonts hanging on the walls.
Radish approached a rack of shirts. “Wait… I see tourists in the palace wearing these all the time. This is where they’re coming from?”
“Yeah! I started making stuff with whatever silly phrase came to mind. It sold pretty well. My friends started suggesting their own ideas, so I would make them and share the profits. It’s turned into sort of a co-op.”
The merchandise featured context-less phrases such as “No, It’s Not ”, “Cool Rocks”, “One Out Of Two”, among numerous others.
“I never knew what any of these meant,” said Radish.
“Well, the real question is-”
“What do they mean… to me ?”
“Now you’re catching on.” She spread several of the bananas out along a counter and sat in the stool behind it. “So, which of these do you want to try first?”
Radish pointed to a few of them. “This one is a good appetizer- it’s got a light and airy taste. This one is thick and savory, so it’s more of a main course. And this one tastes like a cream pie- we should save that for dessert.”
Light cocked her eyebrows. “I can’t tell if you’re bullshitting me or not.”
“Try it.”
Light peeled and tasted the first banana. Her eyes went wide. “Son of a nag. How did I never know about this? Thanks for sharing this kind of stuff with me.”
Radish smiled. “I’m happy to.”
A wisp of smoke appeared above Radish’s head, then burst into a scroll.
“Gah!” howled Light, flailing backwards. She fell off her stool and hit the carpet. “What the fuck was that!?”
“Sorry, it’s for me. Twilight Sparkle magically sends me mail sometimes.”
Light climbed back into her stool. “What? Is there some kind of national emergency?”
Radish opened the scroll. “Uh, let’s see… Pinkie Pie found an old joke book and annoyed everyone in town with constant knock-knock jokes…”
“...what?”
“...so the townsfolk called an emergency meeting and… banned knock-knock jokes...”
“What? ”
“But it turned out that the joke book was actually a prison for a gremlin, and the only way to put him back was to let Pinkie Pie finish all the jokes, but-”
“Radish!”
“Uh, long story short, everyone learned a lesson about… communicating, or something.”
Light crossed her hooves. “Just how often does Twilight send you stuff like this?”
“I can talk to her about setting some kind of… ‘Do Not Disturb’ schedule.”
“Yeah?” Light looked down. “Then… how about you make next weekend ‘Do Not Disturb’?”
“Are you saying you still want a third date?”
She smiled. “Yeah. I do. You’re pretty different from every guy I’ve dated, and I think I like that.”
“You’re different from all the girls I know. And I like that, too.”
Another scroll burst overhead. It landed on the counter atop the bananas. Radish and Light stared at it.
“You know,” said Radish, “I think this one can wait.”
“Are you kidding? I can’t wait to hear the next chapter of that saga.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish dangled blindfolded and helpless ten stories above Canterlot’s skyline.
“Light? I’m getting nervous.”
“We’re almost there. Keep your blindfold on.”
Light Fantastic released her grip on him. He felt his hooves make contact with a solid ceramic surface. By his estimation, she had set him down on a rooftop that had to have been one of Canterlot’s tallest.
“Okay, now you can look.”
He took off the blindfold and blinked. He was on a roof, all right, but of what building he couldn’t tell- they were completely surrounded by a dense cloud on all sides. Light Fantastic had spread out a quilt ahead of time and prepared a bottle of sparkling dandelion wine on ice.
“Light, what is this place?”
“One of the old side towers on the South Wall.”
“What? No one’s allowed on top of the wall towers.”
“Why do you think I put this cloud around it? No one will see us.”
“An unauthorized cloud? That’s even more suspicious.”
“Nah, it’s already a cloudy day. Nopony’s going to notice one more.”
“If I get caught up here-”
“I know. Feels exciting, doesn’t it? Why, Celestia herself could land right here at any moment and say, ‘Radish, how dare you sit on top of this old building that nopony cares about? To the dungeons with you!’”
“We don’t have dungeons.”
“Then where does she chain guys down to drip candle wax on them?”
“I wish I knew.”
Light popped open the wine and poured them both a glass. They leaned against the short wall surrounding the roof, and sipped.
“This is nice. I’ve never been in a cloud before," said Radish.
“Yeah, it helps to just block out the world with a big fluffy haze every once in a while.”
“Thanks for setting all this up.”
They shared the wine, chatting and laughing about all that had happened since the last time they had seen each other. After a while, Light scooted close to Radish.
“So… I uh, don’t know how they do it on the Southern Plains, but in Canterlot, there’s kind of this rule about third dates.”
He leaned in closer to her.
“I know the rule.”
“But we don’t have to, if you’re not comfortable with it.”
“Why wouldn’t I be comfortable with it?”
“It’s just… are you really okay with someone who’s not Celestia? Aren’t you worried you’re breaking with destiny or something?”
Radish draped his hooves over her shoulders, gazing into her eyes.
“Light, I spent most of my life thinking of nothing but her. But she told me herself it’s never going to happen. And ever since you and I met, I’ve thought of nothing but you instead. Celestia is my boss, my princess, and my friend. But she’s not my destiny. Destiny can jump off this tower.”
“Oh. Wow. That’s a lot to hear.”
She let herself fall onto her back, pulling him down with her. She wrapped her hooves around the back of his neck and held him close.
“You know, it kind of feels like I’m stealing you from her. Taking the princess’s personal boytoy right out from under her.”
“If you like that fantasy, by all means.”
“What kind of fantasy do you like?”
“Let’s find out. Together.”
“You’re such a dork.”
They drew their muzzles close together.
“Hey! Who’s up there?” bellowed a furious voice.
They froze. Radish looked down at Light, fear in his eyes. A City Watch pegasus had found their cloud.
“This is an unsanctioned cloud in a restricted area! Come out with your hooves up!”
Light whispered to Radish, “I can get rid of him.”
Radish shook his head. “I’ll take the blame. Just slip away,” he whispered back.
Light smiled. She pointed to her cutie mark, a prism separating a beam of light into a spectrum of colors.
“Don’t you want to know how I got this? Check out the light fantastic, babe.”
“You have to the count of three, then I’m taking this cloud down and anypony inside!” shouted the watchpony.
Light spread her wings and flew a tight circle across the inner wall of the cloud, scraping moisture off and coating herself with a body-clinging robe of shimmering vapor.
“One!”
Light then tilted her wings and caught the sunlight on her feathers. The light spread and surged through her cloud robe, turning it into a blindingly iridescent dress. Radish shielded his eyes and looked away.
“Two!”
She then plunged her hooves into the surrounding cloud, and the shine leapt into it. The entire sky over the south wall blazed with searingly bright multicolored light.
“Thr- aah!” shouted the watchpony. He fell back and rubbed his eyes. He held up a hoof to shield his vision, trying to see the cloud-topped tower, which now shone like a disco lighthouse.
“A prism pulsar? That’s it! You’re toast!”
He spun a tight loop in the air and flung a miniature tornado at the shimmering cloud. It dragged the cloud off into the horizon, leaving an empty tower roof. He flew over to inspect it, seeing only a blanket with a spilled bottle of wine.
“Ugh, gross, a love nest.”
Radish and Light crouched behind a boulder on Canterlot’s outskirts, hearts racing. Radish peeked out.
“He’s gone.”
“Woah, I’ve never actually cheesed it from the City Watch before,” said Light, proudly.
Radish took her hooves in his. “That was incredible.”
She pulled him close. “Stick with me, babe, you’ll see a lot of incredible thi-mmmphh!”
She was interrupted by Radish pressing his lips against hers. She wrapped her wings around him. He lowered her to the ground. They broke the kiss, panting.
“Light…”
“Rad…”
“Are you…?”
“Yes. You?”
“Yes.”
Radish patrolled through the bright halls of the royal palace, humming to himself. Princess Celestia came out from a side door.
“Oh, good morning, lieutenant,” she said.
“Good morning, princess!” said Radish, a bit too loudly.
“My, you seem chipper today.”
“It must be the weather. It’s so nice out.”
“Indeed. I love it when the air gets crisp and cool like this.”
“It makes outdoor activities so much more invigorating, doesn’t it?” Radish said, looking out the tall windows to the mountain beyond the city.
“Oh? What kind of outdoor activities have you been partaking in?”
Radish froze. “Uh… picnics.”
“Ah, how pleasant. Well, enjoy the sun.”
“We will. I mean, I will.”
She walked off. Radish watched her leave, then went along his way.
The Only Mark That Matters
Light Fantastic lived in a townhouse a short flight from her store. Radish and Light were now in her living room, snuggling on the couch in front of a glowing fireplace. He nuzzled her muzzle, and she kissed him, pushing him down onto the couch.
“Mmm… Light…”
“Rad…”
“Lieutenant Root. ”
They looked up. Celestia was standing over them, scowling.
Radish gasped. “Princess?”
Celestia bared her teeth. “So, this is the skinny little trollop you chose over me?”
“What?”
Celestia seized Light’s neck with her aura and hoisted her into the air. Light struggled, gasping for breath. Celestia lowered her head, then thrust her horn through Light’s chest. Light gurgled and went limp.
“No!” howled Radish.
Celestia dropped Light’s body back onto the couch and sneered. “Let that be a lesson to you, Radish. If I can't have you, no one can .”
Radish launched himself at Celestia. “I’ll kill you!”
She swatted him to the floor with a wing, then pressed a hoof into his chest. Light, the couch, and the rest of the room burst into flames and dissolved into a fiery field- Celestia was crushing Radish into the surface of the sun.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Now, apologize to me.”
“For what!? ”
“For having the audacity to forget that I, and I alone, am the center of your universe.”
He jabbed at her leg in a wild fury. She pressed her hoof harder.
A purple beam shot through Celestia. She disappeared in a whiff of smoke. Princess Luna approached Radish and held out a hoof.
“Be at peace, Radish. You are having a nightmare.”
“I… oh. Oh…”
The sun underneath them melted into blackness. Radish stood up.
“Thank you, Princess Luna.”
“Your distress was palpable. Talk to me, Radish. What is the matter?”
“Well, I wanted to talk to you about it in person...”
“We are in person.”
“I… I have a girlfriend now.”
Luna smiled and put a wing on his shoulder. “That is splendid, Radish! There is none more deserving of love than you.”
“Thanks. But the thing is… I’m… afraid to tell Celestia.”
“I think I can guess why.”
“You can, huh?”
“But of course. Any mare worthy of my Champion’s affections must be a very important pony, indeed. A member of high society, I take it?”
The blackness around them flashed into a new scene. Radish and Luna now stood in the middle of a grand ballroom, where nobleponies were holding a tea social.
“Celestia has long been envied by the gentlemares of the upper classes,” said Luna, leading Radish through the crowd. “Tensions run high between them. By consorting with one, you have waded into a battlefield.”
Luna pointed to the door. Another version of Princess Celestia entered the room and approached one of the small circular tables, around which three expensively-dressed ladies had gathered for tea. Luna led Radish over to the tableau.
“Could it be Lady Chalcedony?” asked Luna. “She and Celestia have been at each other’s throats for years.”
“At each other’s throats?” asked Radish.
One of the ladies at the table, a slender unicorn with a long mane, cast a glance at Celestia. “Ah, princess. Welcome. Lovely to see you again.”
“Why, thank you, Lady Chalcedony,” said Celestia, pleasantly.
The scene froze. Luna shuddered and looked at Radish. “See what I mean?”
“No.”
“Well, once you are attuned to the mannerisms of the elites, you’ll be able to discern how that exchange held more venom than a Never Atoll stinglet."
“Princess Luna, my girlfriend isn’t a high-society type.”
“Oh? Then, she must be one of Celestia’s political rivals!”
The world changed again. Radish and Luna were now in the castle’s senate chamber, a large round wood-paneled room. The senate was in session. Luna led Radish over to the podium, where a shapely earth mare in a smart blue pantsuit stood, going over a stack of papers on the lectern. Celestia now stood in the center of the floor.
“Ooh! Is it Senator Brass Tacks?” asked Luna. “She and Celestia have sparred contentiously over many matters.”
“Now, princess,” said Brass Tacks, “I see here that you have requested treasury funds for a full remodeling of your throne room. Didn’t you remodel your throne room just eighty years ago?”
“Indeed,” said Celestia. “Many fine projects were funded that year, including the hospital in which you were born.”
The scene froze again.
“I'm not dating a politician either,” said Radish, shaking his head. “I wouldn't even know where to meet one.”
“Well, then, who could you be…” Luna looked at Radish sternly. “Oh. I see what is going on. Radish, how could you!?”
“How could I what?”
“You are having an affair with our niece Cadance, aren’t you!? That is why you are afraid to tell Celestia!”
“What!?”
The scene changed again, to a nondescript hallway in the palace. Shining Armor was groveling at Princess Cadance’s hooves.
“No, Cadance! Please don’t leave me for him!” blubbered Shining Armor.
“Oh, get off me, Shiny,” said Cadance disdainfully. “Radish is twice the stallion you’ll ever be!”
Radish leapt in front of the scene. “Princess Luna! I barely know Princess Cadenza! She left for her honeymoon while I was still unconscious.”
“Ah, true. Well then, who is your love?”
“Well, let me show you.”
Radish concentrated. Light’s living room reappeared around them. Light was sleeping peacefully on her couch.
“Her name is Light Fantastic,” said Radish, drawing her blanket up onto her. “She owns an art shop. I met her in a cafe after the wedding.”
Luna stared. She looked at Radish and pointed to Light. “Your ladylove is… a mere commoner?”
“Well, I don’t think there’s anything mere or common about her.”
“I see. Why, then, do you fear telling Celestia?”
“I guess I’m afraid she might think I’m… turning my back on her.”
Luna shook her head. “Radish, you must know that Celestia cares for your wellbeing. She only wants you to be happy.”
“I suppose I knew that. But it helps to hear you say it. Thank you, Princess Luna.”
“You are welcome. I must get going now- Ponyville has been experiencing many nightmares about gremlins as of late.”
“Good luck.”
“Thank you. Enjoy your dreams, whether they be large… or small.”
Radish opened his eyes. He was on the couch again, with Light cuddled up to him. She was staring at his face, smiling.
“Hey,” she said. “You were talking in your sleep. Saying Celestia’s name.”
“I’ve been known to do that. Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. You can have her all you want in your dreams. But I get you when you’re awake, all right?”
“Light… I need to tell Celestia about us.”
“You haven’t already?”
“No.”
“What if she wants you to dump me and run away with her?”
“I wouldn’t.”
Light put her head on Radish’s chest. “Wow. That’s nice to hear. Insane, but still nice to hear.”
Radish walked into the Royal Aviary, a large open-air enclosure which served as the home of Philomena, Celestia’s pet phoenix, among other birds. He found Celestia relaxing in a grove of trees with Philomena by her side. Philomena gave Radish a suspicious glance as he approached.
“Hello, Radish,” said Celestia. “Luna told me you wish to speak with me?”
“Yes, ma’am.” He took a deep breath. “I felt I should… I want to… uh… I want to tell you…”
Celestia turned to Philomena. “Could you give us some space, dear?”
Philomena squawked and flew off. Celestia leaned forward.
“Go on, Radish. It’s okay.”
“Princess, I’m with someone. A girl, I mean. We’re dating. Each other, I mean. I have a girlfriend now!”
Celestia put a hoof on her heart and smiled. “That’s wonderful, Radish. Congratulations.”
“And I wanted to thank you.”
“Thank me? For what?”
“For rejecting me.”
“Really?”
“Yes. See, all my life, I always thought of you as my guiding star. I spent my life steering myself towards you. But I realize now that I was wrong. You’re not my guiding star- you’re the wind in my sails, always pushing me towards greater horizons. By rejecting me, you weren’t trying to scuttle my destiny, you were setting me on the right course. I, uh, don’t know why I’m using nautical metaphors. I’ve never even seen the ocean. I guess I’m just feeling… romantic.”
Celestia stared at him. "That's… that's a lovely sentiment."
“And I want you to know that I’ll always appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You fixed things between me and my parents. You gave me a job and a home in the palace. I have new friends and new family because of the adventures I’ve had as your guard. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.”
Celestia looked at the ground. “You are welcome, Radish.”
“Well, that’s all I wanted to say. I should get going. I’m meeting her for lunch.” Radish saluted. “Take care, princess.”
She returned the salute. “And yourself, lieutenant.”
Radish walked away. Celestia leaned back against a tree and watched him go. Philomena landed on Celestia’s shoulder and nuzzled her.
“Thank you, dear.”
Radish and Light entered Bold Roast’s Blooming Grounds. Radish walked over to the coat rack and hung up his jacket, leaving himself unclothed.
Light grinned. “You didn’t even hesitate that time. You’re getting used to getting nude.”
“I never thought I would.” They took a booth. “So, I uh, told Celestia. About you. About us.”
“How’d she take it?”
“She was happy for me.”
“Aww, I was hoping she’d fly into a jealous rage. Challenge me to a duel over you.”
“You don’t want that. Trust me.”
“What did you tell her about me?”
“That you’re the right course to a greater horizon.”
Light turned her head and hid her blush behind her wing. “Sheesh, Radish, we’re in public.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root sipped a pour-over at the counter of Bold Roast’s Blooming Grounds. Bold Roast was noisily clearing dishes from the tables behind him, but Radish could feel his eyes on him.
“Bold Roast,” sighed Radish, “you’re staring.”
“I’m not staring,” said Bold Roast, staring at Radish’s cutie mark. “I’m analyzing. If you had come to me with your mark years ago, I could’ve helped you figure it out.”
“Yeah? What’s your brilliant insight?”
“Has it occurred to you that the penetration is ambiguous?”
Radish looked back at his cutie mark. “She sure seems penetrated to me.”
“I mean, you can’t tell what you’re penetrating.”
Radish sighed. “You think they’re doing...”
“Anal! Yes!”
“So that would make my special talent…?”
“Anal. You’re destined for a lifetime of fantastic anal.”
A pony from a nearby table looked up from his magazine.
“Giving it, not getting it,” Bold Roast told him.
The pony returned to his magazine.
“Yeah?” said Radish. “And I realized that in my sleep as a boy?”
“Must have. Maybe you saw dad’s dirty magazines and thought, ‘yeah, that’s my destiny’.”
Bold Roast returned to behind the counter and rummaged through the shelves. Radish looked at the expression on the small Celestia’s face.
“What, you think Celestia would make that face if someone did… that?” he asked.
“I bet she would. I bet she really needs it, too. Surrounded by big strong guards all day, not getting any from them.”
“Hey, come on. That’s my boss. And your princess. Besides, I thought mares didn’t like that.”
“Try asking Light sometime,” said Bold Roast with a half-smirk. “You may be surprised what she likes.”
“Bold Roast, don’t be crass.”
“This is Midtown, Radish. Everypony knows what everypony else is doing in bed. That’s what being part of a close-knit community is all about.”
“Maybe I should start getting lunch downtown.”
“Downtown is all tourists, Radish. I’m sure you get enough of them in the palace. Besides, you can’t get something like this downtown. Here, try it. I’m thinking of adding it to the menu.”
He placed a mug of something dark and steaming in front of Radish. Radish sniffed it. It had a sour smell.
“Don’t sniff at it. What are you, a dog?”
“What is it?” asked Radish.
“You tell me. Give it a taste.”
“No, you tell me. I’m not drinking your mystery fluid.”
The pony with the magazine looked up again.
“What, they don’t have you taste-test Celestia’s food and drink for poison?” Bold Roast asked.
“I’m pretty sure Celestia is immune to poison.”
“What? No way.”
“She eats nightshade for breakfast.”
“Damn. She’s harder than she lets on. And the palace is more interesting than I thought. Nice to get someone with a cool job in here for a change.”
“What? You get playwrights in here.”
“Yeah, everyone’s a playwright in Midtown.”
Radish sipped the mug. “It’s like… both beer and coffee at the same time?”
“And…?”
“Something fruity. Wine?”
“Yep! Dark beer, light beer, wine, and coffee! I call it a ‘Black and Tan with Tannins, Black’.”
“Bold Roast, is this a real drink, or were you just using up some leftovers?”
“That’s how culinary innovation works, Radish. You think bread was invented on purpose? Nah, someone just threw stuff together and set it at three-fifty.”
“Well, I can’t take any more of this. You could add it to the menu as a dare, though.”
He pushed the mug back and hopped off the stool.
“Take care, Radish.”
“See you.”
Radish walked up to the coat rack as Hazy Shade walked in, accompanied by a stout gray earth stallion.
“Oh, hi, Radish!” she said.
“Hi, Hazy.”
“Oh, you’re Fanny’s new boyfriend, huh?” asked the earth stallion. “Boy, you could do a lot better than her!”
Radish scowled at him. “What’s that mean?”
“Well, for example, just yesterday she insisted that Max Mustang had to be Ironcolt’s father, even though they’re clearly from different timelines .”
“What?”
“It’s superhero stuff,” explained Hazy Shade. “Splash Page here owns the comic book store across the street from Light’s shop. They’re always arguing about timelines and secret identities and what-have-you.”
“You a comic book fan?” Splash Page asked Radish.
“I’ve never lived near a comic book store.”
“Well, stop by sometime! I can set you up with a subscription. We can deliver right to the castle. I’ll even give you the friends’ discount, because Fanny would yell at me if I didn’t.”
“You call her ‘Fanny’? You know that word means-”
“Yeah. She loves it.”
“Okay.” Radish put his jacket back on.
“Hey, Radish?” said Hazy Shade. “If I had known you and Light would be a good match, I’d have set you up with her the first time we met. Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I needed that time to get to the right place in my head.”
“All right. Good. Take care.”
Radish left the cafe and trotted down the streets of Midtown Canterlot. Some of the denizens on the street smiled and waved to him as he passed. He smiled and waved back.
Part of a community, huh? I never thought I’d see the day.
Light Fantastic watched her friend Underglaze as he worked on his newest ceramic creation in his studio workshop. The two had known each other for six years, dated each other for one of those years, hated each other for the next of those years, and had respected each other’s talent throughout all six.
His latest obsession was cubes. He was currently forming a clay cube with furrows on one side, large loops on another side, and overlapping eyes on another.
“So, Light…” started Underglaze, shaping the clay.
“Yeah?”
“About your new beau.”
“Yeah?”
“Is it… really like that?” he asked, looking up with a smile.
“Is what like what?”
“Is he as much fun as his fur advertises?”
“Underglaze, are you asking me if Radish fucks me like he fucks Celestia on his cutie marks?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not telling.”
“Sounds like he doesn’t.”
“Oh, shut up. He actually likes the gentle stuff. And so do I.”
“Hmm, a division of labor. I see,” Underglaze said, working on the finer details of a side.
“What are you blathering about?”
“You know that old saying. You make love to your girlfriend… you fuck your princess.”
“Radish doesn’t get anything from Celestia but a paycheck.”
“Oh, imagine how frustrating that is for him. Being so near her and yet so far. And yet he doesn’t work that frustration out through you? He never has you put on a Celestia wig to go at it? That energy is going somewhere, Fanny.”
“Radish has been through a lot because of those marks. He doesn’t need your pop psychology. And for once, a relationship is going well for me. So stuff it.”
“I’m happy for you! Radish is the most interesting thing to come to Midtown since Pigcasso. It’s no wonder you wanted to snatch him up- you two are the talk of the town!”
Light Fantastic bristled. She hovered menacingly over Underglaze. He shielded his clay from her downwash.
“Watch it!” he said. “You’re drying it out!”
“He is not some freak show I’m dating as a conversation piece!”
“Well, if it’s not for the sex, and it’s not for the fame, why else would you be dating a guard ?”
“Maybe because I…”
“Yes? You…?”
“I like him!”
“Well, that’s sweet.”
“You know what?” she said, landing. “You’re just being an ass because for once, I’m dating and you’re not. You can’t stand that I’ll be with someone for Hearts and Hooves this year.”
“Oh please, Hearts and Hooves is for, well… guards and their girlfriends, for one. Is he going to take you to the malt shop after a sock hop and introduce you as his ‘steady gal’?”
“You know, Underglaze, maybe I will get a Celestia wig. I’m gonna have him plowing me like his marks on Hearts and Hooves, while you’re sitting at home playing solitaire drinking cheap chianti.”
“Like I’d buy an expensive chianti.”
A tall green unicorn shoved open the door and stomped into the workshop.
“Look at this,” he said, holding up a newspaper. “The palace just issued these new changeling-checking guidelines! The crowns are going to whip this city into a paranoid frenzy just to look like they’re doing something.”
“Well, you should talk to Fanny about that,” said Underglaze. “Her boyfriend’s a palace insider, after all.”
“What’s this now?” the unicorn asked.
“Haven’t you heard? She’s dating a Celestibot.”
The unicorn scoffed. Light scowled.
“Don’t call him that,” she warned. “He’s not some goose-stepping meathead.”
“Actually,” said Underglaze, “she’s dating the ultimate Celestibot. Radish Root.”
“The naughty mark guy? Oh, Light,” sighed the unicorn. “The things you’ll do for attention.”
“You guys are assholes,” said Light. She stood up and walked to the door. She looked back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to the wig shop.”
She left. Underglaze paused, then went back to working on his cube.
The Only Mark That Matters
Dear Twilight,
I just read the reports on your mission to the Crystal Empire. I’m relieved you came out okay. Thanks for saving the world again. There’s a donut waiting for you at Joe’s. Spike gets one, too.
We all just heard that you’ll be providing the entertainment for the upcoming delegate assembly. Congratulations! That’s quite an honor. You’ll do great.
Your Pen Pal,
Lt. Radish Root
Shining Armor leaned back in his office desk chair. Radish sat in the chair before him, anticipating interesting news.
“Well, Root, I’ve turned in my two-week’s notice to Princess Celestia. After that, Cadance and I will be moving to the Crystal Empire.”
“Congratulations, your highness.”
“Heh, I guess I’ll have to get used to that. Me, a prince. But until I’m out of here, it’s still ‘captain’ to you, got it?”
“Yes, captain.”
“With me leaving, there’s new opportunity for advancement. There’s going to be a new captain sitting in here, for example.”
“Yes, sir?”
“And it’s going to be Barrel Roller.”
“Excellent choice.”
“But of course, now that she’s number one, she’ll need a number two.”
Radish just kept silent.
“And that’ll be Saguaro Shade. He’s being promoted to commander.”
“That’s wonderful.”
“Yep.”
The two stallions stared at each other.
“Uh, what did you want to talk to me about?” Radish asked.
“Oh, right. A few things, actually. First of all, the squad that was assigned to you during the wedding- Cadence and I were very impressed by how they handled themselves in battle.”
“Thank you, sir.”
“That’s why I’m taking them with me.”
“To the Empire? Permanently?”
“Yeah. I want them guarding Cadance just as they guarded Luna. They’re being designated ‘Honor Guard’.”
“That’s wonderful. For them.”
“And speaking of Luna, all those alterations you made to her tower? I need you to take them down.”
“Sir?”
“Selenic Spire is a masterpiece of ancient Equestrian architecture. You filled it with barbed wire and flood lamps. It looks like a prison on the inside.”
“Sir, I was short on time. Now that the wedding is over, I was hoping the additions could be rebuilt into permanent features.”
“You think Luna wants hurricane fencing blocking her stairwell forever?”
“Actually, I was thinking an elevator should be put in the center of the stairwell. It would block unauthorized fliers, and make-”
“An elevator, Root? Are you a royal architect now?”
“No, sir. I’ll, uh, get to taking everything down.”
“Not today. There’s an important package that needs to make it from Ponyville to Uptown Canterlot. You’ve been assigned as the courier."
“Oh?”
“It’ll be waiting for you at the platform in Ponyville. Use the code word ‘sugar’. The correct response from the contact is ‘sprinkles’.”
“Yes, sir.”
“And one last thing- Surprise Changeling Check!”
“Oh!”
“Tell me a detail from Twilight's birthday party.”
“Birthday… oh. Twilight was wearing a new outfit that Rarity made for her. A butter-yellow slip dress with white trim and a pink neckerchief.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got an awfully strong memory of my sister’s dress, Root.”
“Good thing, too. Otherwise you’d be suspicious of me, right?”
“Dismissed, Root.”
“It was a perfect fit, too.”
“Dismissed, Root. ”
The Friendship Express pulled into the Ponyville train station with a hiss of steam and squeal of steel. Radish stepped out onto the platform and looked around.
“Radish! Hi!” called a joyous voice. Radish turned to see Pinkie Pie.
“Oh, hello, Pinkie Pie.”
She stood, grinning widely at him.
“I’m sorry, I can’t socialize now,” said Radish. “I’m a courier for an important package. In fact, you probably shouldn’t be present when I pick it up. It might contain top secret…”
She leaned forward, barely containing her giggling.
Radish sighed. “Sugar?”
“Sprinkles!” she cheered. She reached behind herself and pulled out a pink cake box tied up with string. Radish took it.
“Seriously? I’m escorting a cake?”
“You didn’t know?”
“I should have guessed. I got knocked out protecting a princess, it makes sense this is all they’d trust me with.”
“Oh, you think this is like a demotion?”
“Pinkie Pie, guards protect the most important ponies in the land. A baby can sit next to a cake.”
“Are you kidding!? The Cakes’ twins nearly destroyed this! No way I’d trust them over you with it!”
“Well, thanks. But it’s still a lowly duty for a guard.”
“I assumed they were rewarding you with this job.”
“Rewarding me?”
“Yeah, giving you an easy mission to a nice part of town. It’s a total plum job. Not that it’s a plum cake, mind you.”
“Thanks, Pinkie. Well, I’ll take the cake from here. The Royal Guard thanks you.”
“No problemo. But you gotta sign for it.”
She held out a form, which Radish signed. She tore off a carbon copy receipt for him. Radish took the cake box by the string, then walked over to a bench and sat with it. He kept his hoof on his sword’s hilt. Pinkie Pie sat next to him.
“Want some company while you wait for the next train?”
“Okay. But first, Surprise Changeling Check!”
“Whoa! Okie dokie!”
“How did Luna tell you to resolve the Appleloosan conflict?”
“I know this one! She suggested ‘an arranged political marriage to unite the belligerents!’” Pinkie said, trying to imitate Luna’s tone.
“Correct.”
“I don’t think any of them are married yet, but the tribe and town are good friends now.”
“I’m glad. How’s the bakery?”
“Great! We started selling gigataternuts!”
“What’s that?”
“They’re gigantic potato flour donuts! Oh, yeah! I saved you one!”
She pulled out a paper bag with one such donut in it. It was glazed, and it was the size of Radish’s head.
“Wow. Look at that. What do I owe you?”
“It’s a gift, Radish!”
“Thank you.”
“Happy to! We usually sell out of these in the first hour each morning.”
“This town loves its sugar, doesn’t it?”
“Sugar is the fuel of life, Radish.”
“I guess that’s true.”
“So,” she said, nudging Radish, “Twilight says you’ve got a girlfriend now. Wooh-ooh!”
“Yeah,” said Radish, smiling. “Fanny.”
“Fanny!?”
“It’s what her friends call her. Short for ‘Light Fantastic’.”
“You know that word means-”
“I know. She loves that.”
“You should bring her to Sugarcube Corner! You can share a shake with two straws while gazing into each other’s eyes!”
“Well, she’s not really into corny stuff.”
“No, the shake could be any flavor.”
“Good one.”
“Thanks. You know, it’s funny- I was thinking of introducing you to my sisters. I bet you would have hit it off with one of them.”
“What are they like?”
“They’re all super smart, super funny, and super pretty!”
“Sounds like they can do a lot better than a guy like me.”
Pinkie Pie shook her head. “Radish, I don’t like it when my friends use self-deprecating humor. You should use self-appreciating humor.”
“Okay, as soon as I figure out what that is.”
“Well, I should get back. Enjoy the gigataternut. And enjoy the cake!”
“I’ll enjoy the donut, but the cake’s not for me. It’s going Uptown. It’s probably for some officer’s mistress’s birthday.”
“Oh? Well, I hope whoever ends up eating it enjoys it.”
She said goodbye and trotted away. Radish sat by the cake, eating his donut and watching ponies coming and going. He tried to scan the crowds for suspicious ponies as defined by palace guidelines, but none met the criteria. After another thirty minutes, his train rolled in.
He took a seat with the cake box, keeping a hoof on it. He showed his Royal Rail Pass to the conductor and bought tickets for himself and for the cake. He wrapped his tail around the box to steady it. The train departed.
As it picked up speed, Radish heard a series of gasps from the other ponies in the car, and looked up to see them gathering at the windows of the right side of the car. Radish looked out the window.
A gigantic, inverted glass fishbowl was descending on Ponyville.
Its rim would land across the tracks. The train wasn’t going to clear it in time. The conductor must have realized this and engaged the train’s brakes. Radish gripped the cake and braced himself. The train skidded on its tracks, not stopping fast enough. The rim of the bowl came down on Radish’s car.
The glass barrier hit the roof of the car, pinning it in place and crushing it into the tracks. It continued to press unabated, cracking through the car like a knife through an eggshell.
An elderly unicorn stallion stumbled and fell into the aisle. He was right under the path of destruction- the rim would crush him flat. He screamed.
Radish leapt out of his seat and grabbed the senior, pulling him free. The glass wall slammed onto his tail, pressing it into the floor of the car. Radish didn’t have enough slack in his tail to turn around and see it. He pulled out his sword and cut his tail off.
He turned. The wall of glass finished smashing through the train car, smooshing the train tracks flat into the ground while pressing his severed tail between them. Ponies on both sides of the newly-halved car gathered to see the glass.
Radish tapped it with his hoof. A flash of red emanated from where he touched it.
“It’s not glass, it’s a forcefield!” gasped the elderly unicorn.
“Everyone, stand back!” called Radish. The ponies stepped away.
Radish bucked the forcefield with his rear hooves with all his strength. He had no effect on it aside from another flash of red. He slashed at it with his sword. The wall of force made his sword vibrate and spark, but there was otherwise no effect on the barrier.
This shouldn’t be possible. Only Shining Armor can conjure a citywide forcefield, and this doesn’t look like his. Unless…
Radish grit his teeth.
Did Twilight do this? Is she experimenting? Trying to learn her brother’s spell? No, Celestia has been keeping a close eye on her studies since the heart-stop incident.
This could be a new dangerous enemy. But is it outside the barrier with me... or inside where I can't help?
“Who did this?” asked a pony. “Is this Discord’s doing?”
“Discord is stone, ma’am,” said Radish. “And the statue is in secure magic storage.”
“Then who?” asked another.
Radish turned to the crowd behind him. They were all staring at him, expectantly.
“First, we all need to get off this train. It’s not safe.”
As the ponies climbed out of the train car on both sides of the divide, Radish looked at where he was sitting. A mare on the other side noticed him. She went to his seat and held up the cake box.
“Is this important?” she asked.
“No. It’s a cake. Go on and enjoy it.”
She nodded, and carried it off.
The ponies from both sides of the forcefield gathered on the grass outside to stare at each other through it. Radish adjusted his armor, then stood on his hind legs to address both crowds.
“Folks, I need everyone to stay calm. Ponyville is within sight of Canterlot, so the palace will be responding to this soon. Keep away from the barrier and the train.”
“What about us?” cried a pony inside the forcefield. “We’re trapped in here! Along with whatever created it!”
“I say we go into town and find out who did this!” barked a large stallion beside her. “Then we take them down!”
“Folks, I don’t recommend challenging the maker of this thing. For all you trapped inside, I recommend returning to your homes or the train station.”
Radish walked up to the forcefield. He stared into town through his binoculars, but couldn’t see anything helpful.
Celestia is out of the country. That means Luna will have to deal with this. Is she up for it? It would be her first real test of leadership.
Of course she is. She’s Luna.
“Root!” called a voice above him.
A pegasus chariot dropped out of the sky carrying Shining Armor and two high-ranking unicorns. Radish saluted him. Numerous other pegasus-borne carts and carriages followed and landed nearby.
“Sir!”
“Root, we could see this thing from Canterlot. Report.”
“A forcefield of unknown origin has cut off the town, sir.”
“Was anyone hurt?”
“Not on the train. We were lucky. What are my orders?”
“We’re providing aid and transportation to these stranded civilians. I’m putting them up in Canterlot accommodations for the time being.”
“And then?”
Shining Armor walked past him, to the forcefield.
“One thing at a time, Root.”
The guards helped the train passengers onto transports. They took off for Canterlot. Other guards instructed the passengers on the other side of the barrier where to go. Radish pulled Shining Armor off to the side.
“Sir, there’s a cadre of Diamond Dogs nearby. They’re experts at digging, and they like jewels. We can hire them to burrow tunnels into Ponyville-”
“Root, for all we know, Twilight made this to contain a threat. We’re not breaching it until we know more.”
“I see. Well, Zecora should be outside the barrier. I can see what she-”
“I want you to get on one of the transports and debrief with Corporal Shade.”
“Yes, sir.”
“By the way, where’s the package?”
Radish looked at his tail stub.
“I’m sorry, sir. It didn’t make it out in time. I failed the mission, and I’ll accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate.”
“It’s just a cake, Root.”
“If you feel a court martial is in order, I won’t contest it. I don’t want to bring any more shame to the Guard than I already have.”
“I said, it’s just a cake, Root.”
“I realize there’s never been a death penalty in Equestria, but I understand that you need to make an example out of me. I will go to the gallows with dignity, sir. It’s what a cake-misplacer like me deserves.”
“Root, shut up and get on a transport.”
Radish stood next to Luna on her balcony as she peered at Ponyville through her telescope. She clicked her tongue.
“Very interesting spell,” she said. “It would appear that someone has applied extremely powerful metamagic to an extremely basic unicorn cantrip, and added a whimsical visual flair. I surmise that the caster of this spell has great power, but little experience wielding it. We are likely dealing with a low-level unicorn using an artifact or potion to boost their abilities.”
“So it could be anyone," mused Radish.
“Yes. But as you well know, such shortcuts come at a cost. The spellcaster may be living on borrowed time. They could be desperate, with little to lose.”
“Just say the word, ma’am, and the Royal Guard will bust through that bowl and take down whoever’s doing this.”
Luna looked at Radish. “You are worried for the girls, yes?”
“Yes.”
“As am I. But they have proven themselves against such threats, time and again.”
“But they usually have their Elements when they do.”
“Indeed, and I believe the Elements were the intended target. Our mystery villain must have planned to seize them, to further boost their power.”
“But we keep the Elements here.”
“Yes. Now that they’ve realized their mistake, they will come for them in Canterlot. They must be gathering strength under that bowl for the final assault. That is why I must have all guards here to defend.”
“Then, what should we do about Ponyville?”
“I will confer with the mage council. We will analyze this magic and prepare a counterspell. But it will take time to dispel something that large. Those girls will be on their own until then.”
Radish walked up to the balcony’s rail and put his forehooves on it. He stared worriedly at Ponyville. “Let’s hope their winning streak holds out.”
Radish and a battalion of guards stood ready in Canterlot Tower, directly in front of the door to the chamber holding the Elements of Harmony. They had been there for hours.
Stay safe out there, girls , thought Radish.
A puff of dragon smoke flew to Radish and popped into a scroll. The other guards watched him read it.
“Well, Root?” a guard asked.
“It’s from Spike,” said Radish. “The enemy is somepony they know. And Twilight has a plan to defeat her.”
“Does she need the Elements?”
“No, she’s going to use a doorstop and hair dye.”
“Kind of cocky these days, isn’t she?”
The news spread across the castle during the next hour, through official channels and the staff grapevine.
Trixie Lulamoon, a traveling illusionist who bore a grudge against Twilight, had returned to Ponyville, corrupted by an ancient artifact that granted her immense power. She had banished Twilight, cut off the town, and enslaved the populace. Twilight had cunningly conned her out of the artifact and restored peace.
Radish smiled as he read her account of using disguise and distraction to fool a more powerful opponent. Good job, Twilight. Thinking with your brain instead of your horn.
“What’s going to happen to Lulamoon?” asked Spats, reading the letter over Radish’s shoulder.
“She doesn’t say,” replied Radish, flipping the letter over. “Probably prison for life.”
“I dunno, she could try an insanity plea.”
“That might work. You’d have to be insane to take on Twilight.”
Radish returned his armor to the locker room. As he hung it up, he noticed a rustling in one of the pockets. He reached in and pulled out the copy of the cake receipt from Pinkie Pie. He read it over. The package was a bourbon sponge cake, custom-ordered with instructions to write a message on top:
FOR
MY
HERO
Radish made a snort.
Great. Delivering sweets with love notes. I’m a side character in a cheesy romance play. If only Ma could see me now.
He joined Spats, Bunker Buster, and another bunkmate, a pegasus mare named Boleadora, at their common room table for poker.
Radish put down a chip. “I raise five. And call.”
The ponies showed their hooves. Spats won. Radish sighed.
“Can’t win ‘em all, Rad,” said Spats, pulling in the pot.
A valet entered the room with a familiar pink box. “Lieutenant Root? A citizen has left a package for you.”
“A citizen?”
“They left an explanatory note.”
Radish took the package. He read the note:
Dear Guard from the Train,
Thank you for keeping everypony on the train calm during the crisis. This looked way too important for me to keep, so I wanted to return it to you. You deserve a nice cake.
Sincerely,
Sugarberry
Radish opened the box. The cake was still inside, untouched. Even the lettering was intact.
“Okay,” he said. “It may be a stupid mission, but at least I can complete it.”
“You’re going now?” asked Boleadora.
“I can’t delay a mission without good reason, now can I? And this is time-sensitive.”
“How so?” she asked.
“Well, how long do cakes last before they get stale?” asked Radish.
“I don’t know, mine was a pie family,” said Bunker Buster.
“You’re in the Pie family?” Spats asked.
“No. Sweet Celestia, no.”
Fully armored, armed, and carrying a cake, Radish stepped boldly into the streets of Uptown Canterlot.
He walked past massive estates and upscale boutiques, getting disapproving looks from a number of well-dressed ponies. With some searching, he found the building at the address on the receipt. It was a tall, thin, pink tower, surrounded by a high golden fence.
He approached the front gate. A muscular unicorn mare in ornate rose gold armor stood behind it, eyeing Radish suspiciously and gripping a trident in her hoof.
“Hello. I have a delivery.”
“Sure you do.”
She stared at Radish dully, saying nothing else. Radish frowned.
“Sorry, I don’t think you heard me,” he said. “I said, I have a delivery. It’s a cake.”
“Sorry, I don’t think you understood me. We’re not accepting packages from randos off the street. Trot along.”
“I am a lieutenant in the Royal Guard-”
“Because Princess Celestia’s Royal Guard is well-known for delivering baked goods, aren’t they? But even a changeling would know the old ‘delivering a cake’ routine. And we’ve had enough surprises from bugs to last a lifetime.”
“Look here. This cake survived a train wreck and a mad mage’s dictatorship. It’s come a long way to get here. You are going to take it, sign for it with a smile, and then thank me for coming out this way.”
She blew a thin whistle. Radish held his ears in pain as four more female guards brandishing weighted nets, tridents, and tall shields rushed to her side.
“Cardiac Squad, this pony refuses to leave the premises. Please turn him away in a manner that will keep him away.”
The gate slid open. The guards surrounded Radish. He put the cake down on the ground and bent low, growling and digging in his hooves.
“You really want to do this over a cake?” he hissed.
“Do you?” she asked.
“I’m going to get this damn thing inside, and you five are going to step aside.”
“Sounds like a threat to me. Cardiac Squad! Attend!”
A guard threw a net at Radish. He snatched it out of the air in his teeth and swung it in circles over his head, whizzing its weights through the air. The squad backed off, and Radish threw the net back over its owner. Another lunged Radish with her trident, and Radish twisted his torso to catch the barbs on his armor’s plates, then twisted again to flip the trident from her hooves. He caught it mid-air, then slammed its business end into the pavement, pinning another assailant’s tail into the ground as she charged past him with her shield.
Another guard seized Radish’s neck from behind. He rolled forward, throwing her into the guard whose trident he took. A magical aura spread over Radish, dangling him in the air. The squad leader, horn aglow, approached Radish with her trident floating above her, aiming it at Radish’s neck.
“Remember, you wanted this,” she said, and pressed it forward.
Radish slipped his hoof out of his boot, which still levitated in the aura. He snatched his spear off his back, jammed the spearhead between plates of his other boot, and engaged the spring mechanism to extend the spear to its full length. The spear sprang out from Radish’s boot, and its blunt butt end smacked the leader in the face. Her aura fizzled out and dropped Radish, who seized her in a headlock. She grit her teeth and squeezed her aura around Radish’s neck. The two raced to throttle each other.
The building’s tall double doors swung open. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza strolled out. She saw two of her best guards lying in a heap, another struggling to pull off a net, one trying to unpin her tail from the ground, and their leader in a life-and-death struggle with one of her aunts’ guards. She then noticed the cake box on the ground in between them all, undisturbed. She lifted it in her aura, opened it to check its contents, and smiled.
“Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch,” she said, curiously, “what are you doing?”
“Subduing this gatecrasher, your highness,” she wheezed, giving up some breath to answer her princess.
“Lieutenant Root, what are you doing?”
“Delivering a cake, your highness ,” he said, with the proudest determination he ever mustered in his life.
The princess sighed. “Please release each other.”
Crosspatch obeyed, dropping her aura. Radish let go of her neck. The two breathed hard.
“Now, let me guess,” said the princess. “You, Crosspatch, got testy with a delivery pony instead of telling him about the new security protocols?”
“He was hostile, ma’am,” she said. “With an implausible story. Likely changeling.”
“And you, Lieutenant Root, you got your hackles up rather than explain yourself rationally?”
“Chief Petty here wasn’t listening to reason.”
The two guards glowered at each other.
“I see,” said the princess. “Both of you come inside. Cardiac Squad… as you were.”
They followed her inside the building. She passed the cake to a maid.
“Linden Lime, would you prepare the table and set this out? But don’t cut into it yet.”
“Yes, princess.”
She took the two into a sitting room and pointed to a frilly pink loveseat.
“Now, I want both of you to sit there and hold hooves.”
“Ma’am?” asked Crosspatch.
“Princess?” asked Radish.
“Whenever you’re ready,” said the princess with a smile.
“He hasn’t passed a changeling check, your highness!” her guard protested.
“Oh, very well. Lieutenant, where did you first meet Twilight?”
“Outside Shining Armor’s office. She told you about that?”
“Yes. Now, sit. Hold hooves.”
Radish and Crosspatch begrudgingly sat on the love seat. They placed their hooves into one another’s. They grimaced at each other.
“Now, stay like that until I return.”
“Ma’am-” started Crosspatch.
The princess left. Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch looked at Radish.
“Nice going, lieutenant.”
“This is your fault.”
“You’re lucky we didn’t kill you.”
“I subdued all five of you in seconds.”
“You scored a few sucker punches because we were holding back, that’s all. The princess saved your life.”
“You should have just taken the cake.”
“What kind of lieutenant delivers a cake?”
“One your princess knows by name.”
“Yeah, I’ve heard the name ‘Root’ around here. You’re the guy who got knocked out by changelings, aren’t you? The only casualty of the entire battle.”
“Yeah? Where were you when their queen nabbed your princess?”
“That happened in your palace. Believe me, an investigation is coming.”
“Will the investigation uncover why you didn’t notice your princess had been replaced by an impostor?”
“We barely spent any time with the impostor. She had us out patrolling the streets of Canterlot.”
“And that didn’t rouse your suspicion?”
“No, because the real Princess Cadance does things like that all the time. She’s a princess of the people. She always puts the safety of everypony else before her.”
“And look where that got her.”
“I have protested her security priorities time and again. She does not listen to me. If I could shut her in a safe room all day, I would.”
“Let me guess, her bedroom has big balcony doors and wide, weak windows?”
“Every blasted building in this town does. It’s just inviting trouble.”
“Don’t I know it,” sighed Radish. “If Luna hadn’t been weakened, I never would have been able to convince her to sleep in her cellar.”
“It’s like they don’t care that they’re the most important ponies alive,” Crosspatch grumbled. “They just leave themselves wide open to attack.”
“Yet we’re the ones who get blamed when the attack comes.”
“Did you see her just stroll out during our fight? Madness.”
“You don’t know the half of it,” said Radish. “That cake was in unknown hooves all day. I bet she hasn’t even thought of checking it for… poison…”
The two guards stared at each other. They leapt off the loveseat and galloped down the hall.
“PRINCESS!” they howled together. They burst into the dining room, to see the cake on a sterling stand and Princess Cadenza holding up a knife and server in her aura.
“NO!” they cried. Crosspatch leapt to tackle her princess while Radish bounded to belly flop onto the cake.
Princess Cadenza froze them both mid-air in her aura. She raised an eyebrow.
“I thought I told you to hold hooves until I returned.”
They both sputtered panicked overlapping warnings about the cake.
“Ma’am! Could be poisoned!”
“ -broken chain of custody!”
“Let me taste for you!”
“Trixie could have-!”
“Oh?” the princess said. “You two think there’s something wrong with this cake?”
She dug a fork into one side, and lifted a morsel to her lips. Radish and Crosspatch flailed and pleaded. Cadenza smiled.
“It sounds like you two have found common ground,” she said, lightheartedly, putting the fork down.
“Yes, ma’am,” they said simultaneously.
“You both just want what’s best for your princesses.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Are you ever going to start a jurisdictional slap-fight on my doorstep again?”
“No, ma’am.”
“Good.”
She placed them on the carpet. “I scanned the cake already. It’s fine. A little dry, but that’s on Trixie.”
The two guards sighed with relief.
“Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch, please resume your guard duty.”
“Aye, ma’am.” She saluted and left.
“Lieutenant Root, come join me at the table.”
Radish climbed into a tall plush chair. Cadenza sat down opposite him, with the cake between them.
“Radish, Twilight and my aunts speak highly of you. So you can imagine my surprise to find you in a brouhaha with my guards on the street.”
“Please forgive me, ma’am.”
“You had a bad day, didn’t you?”
“Trixie took over Ponyville. I was nearly crushed, I lost my tail, and Twilight could have been killed.”
“But that’s not what’s bothering you. I can feel pain in a pony’s heart. Your pains are like a pile of branches, where pulling up one drags up others entwining it.”
“You scanned my private feelings?”
“It’s passive. I only feel what you put out. Please, talk to me, Radish. No judgment, and nothing will leave this room.”
“Really?”
“I swear on my crown.”
“It started before the train. With your husband.”
“Oh? With Shiny?”
“He took away my squad and promoted them over me. He’s having me undo all my security additions to Luna’s tower. And last but not least, he had me deliver a cake.”
“You didn’t want to?”
“I’m a lieutenant of the Royal Guard. I was trained to, and I’ve pledged my life to, protecting the most important ponies in the world. Not pastry.”
“Radish, this mission was my idea. I just thought you’d like to get out of the castle for a bit, socialize with Pinkie Pie, and then have a nice relaxing ride on the Friendship Express.”
“As an errand boy? As the go-between for you and Shining?”
“Radish, did you think I ordered the cake for Shiny?”
“…yes?”
“But you see the message on it.”
“For my hero ? Who else would…”
He stared into her eyes. She smiled warmly.
“Me?”
“Of course!”
“I’m your hero?”
“You saved Auntie Luna during the invasion. You helped us reach the ceremony in time to save Shiny. And you foiled a kidnapping plot against me!” She bowed her head. “Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”
Radish looked aside. “Oh. It was nothing. I was just doing my duty, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.”
“Just ‘Cadance’, please.”
“All right.”
“I’ve been meaning to speak with you since the wedding. I’m sorry if I seemed caught off-guard by your cutie mark. When Shining asked me to meet with a guard with a cutie mark problem, I thought he meant you were markless.”
“An adult blank flank? Those exist?”
“It’s rare, but it happens. Part of my job is to help ponies with unique social problems like that.”
“Princess Cadance, do you have any idea what my cutie marks could mean?”
"Are you sure they're not abstract? Could they represent, say, a desire to make others happy?"
"Pinkie Pie's talent is making others happy. She got balloons."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't presume to have insight about something you've probably spent your whole life wondering about."
“Do you think I’m… supposed to have sex with Celestia?”
Cadance shook her head. “Cutie marks are supposed to reflect what makes you special. They’re not supposed to make demands of their ponies.”
“But why sex? I got these as a kid! And why Celestia?”
"I've got an idea. Would you let me feel into your heart?"
"What would that do?"
"Every heart tells its own story. Maybe your heart has something to say about Celestia."
"I don't really get it, but go ahead."
She closed her eyes and lit up her horn. Radish's body glowed with a pink hue. He felt his body tingle. The princess frowned.
"Oh, hold still- I need to get this."
Suddenly, a black squirming wisp wormed its way out of Radish's chest. Cadenza held it above the table in her aura.
"What on earth is that?" asked Radish.
"A shard of that heart-stopping curse Twilight hit you with. It was stuck in your left ventricle. Another twenty years or so with this thing in your heart, and it would have corrupted your entire being."
"Sheesh. Thank you."
She let go of it, and it dissipated into nothingness. "Okay, back into your heart."
She concentrated again. After a few moments, she smiled and cut off the spell.
"I'm sorry, Radish. I couldn't find any leads about your cutie marks. But I did pick up your feelings for your girlfriend. They're very warm."
“Her name is Light,” Radish said, smiling. “I see her on my days off.”
“That’s wonderful! Let me offer my services in that regard. If you need any relationship advice, insights on mares, ideas for dates and so forth, I’d be happy to help you out.”
“Oh? Thanks.”
She bent low and spoke softly. “If you need any questions answered about the more intimate aspects of dating, don’t be afraid to ask. I will be discreet and understanding, no matter what.”
“You promise?”
“I swear.”
“You won’t even tell Shining Armor? Or Twilight? Or Celestia?”
“Of course not.”
Radish looked around the room, then hunched low to her. “Well, we are having this one problem. It’s really embarrassing. I wasn’t sure who I could turn to.”
She bent in closer. “I’ll help if I can.”
“See, sometimes she complains that my, uh… stallionhood …”
She nodded understandingly. “Yes?”
“…is too much for her to, well, accommodate . But it’s not like I can make it smaller.”
The princess leaned back. “I, uh, see. That… is a problem…”
“How do you and Shining Armor deal with it?”
“Oh, his isn’t that…”
Radish raised an eyebrow and held in a smile. The princess gasped.
“You’re messing with me!” she laughed.
“Sorry, ma’am. Like I said, it’s been a long day.”
“Okay, you’ve had your fun. But my offer is serious. Any help you need, just write.”
"Thanks. I might take you up on that someday."
“Now let’s have some cake.”
The princess sliced and served the cake. Radish took a bite. His eyes bugged out.
“It’s really good.”
“That’s why I ordered from Sugarcube Corner. Nothing compares.”
“Thank you for doing this for me. I appreciate it.”
“No problem. You’re the only one of Twilight’s friends I haven’t met.”
Radish sighed. “You met the others at the wedding, huh? After the battle?”
“Yes?”
“I wasn’t around to meet because I got knocked unconscious. I was the only guard who did.”
“That bothers you.”
“Every write-up of the battle will mention that I'm the reason it wasn't a perfect victory. I'm an asterisk in military history now. School children will be quizzed on why the name 'Radish Root' became synonymous with the weakest link.”
“Radish, the changelings went after you so hard because they could feel powerful love in you. I could feel it, too. I still can.”
“Really?”
“You have a lot of love for Celestia and Luna.”
“You’re not going to tell them, are you?”
“They know.”
“But if their enemies are attracted -nourished- by my love for them, I’m putting them in danger by being their guard.”
“Don’t say that. Love is a strength, not a weakness. It won the battle in the end.”
“Hmm.”
They finished their slices of cake. Radish put his napkin aside.
“Thank you for the cake, your highness. I feel a lot better now.”
“You should take the rest for your fellow guards.”
“Actually, could you share it with Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch and the rest of your Cardiac Squad?”
“That’s nice. They’ll appreciate it.”
Radish hopped off his chair and saluted. Cadenza returned it.
“I’m glad I got to meet you before we moved away,” she said.
“Oh, that’s right. You two are going to rule the Crystal Empire.”
“Not rule, serve. The crystal ponies think I have some connection to their lost royal family.”
“Really?”
“But even if I don’t, I’ll do everything I can to help them.”
“Good luck, princess. Be well.”
“Thank you. I can leave in good spirits, knowing that my aunts and sister-in-law are in good hooves,” she said, winking at Radish. “I saw how easily you beat my Cardiac Squad. You know, Shiny said you were a good fighter.”
“Really?”
“Among other things.”
Radish pinned the receipt from the cake on his bunk wall, next to his deed to the Sea of Omens. He smiled.
Friend to Celestia, Champion to Luna, and now Hero to Cadance. If only Ma could see me now.
The Only Mark That Matters
Shining Armor took the briefing room lectern for the last time as Captain of the Guard. Today’s briefing was not the note he wanted to end on.
“First off- and let me be very clear on this,” he said, “yes, Princess Celestia has decided to parole Discord from his petrified form, with the intent of reforming him into an ally. And yes, she is putting AG1 in charge of this reform program.”
A hundred mutters washed over the briefing room.
Celestia, what are you thinking? Radish thought.
“Yes, she has the authority to do so. And yes, the Royal Guard supports her decisions.”
Most eyes turned to Barrel Roller, who was sitting in the desk beside the lectern. Her hooves were crossed and her expression was mirthless.
“The princess says she has taken every precaution,” said Barrel Roller. “And if Discord doesn’t play ball, it’s back to the basement for him.”
“If any tourists ask,” said Shining Armor, “do not get into a debate with them. Refer them to the Complaints Department.”
The “Complaints Department” was what Shining Armor jokingly called Barrel Roller’s inbox. Barrel Roller narrowed her eyes at her captain.
“Now, onto the next matter…”
The guards filtered out of the briefing room. Radish started toward his first patrol route of the day. Spats trotted up to him.
“So, on a scale of one to ten, how much impending doom are you feeling right now?”
“Twilight Sparkle can handle Discord.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Huh?”
“Radish, once this Discord business gets out to the public, they’re going to be calling for Celestia’s head.”
“Come on, no they won’t.”
“Rad, surely you’ve heard the rumors.”
“Rumors are decibit a dozen, Spats.”
“Think about it. Draconequus. Part dragon, part pony. Which pony is his pony part from?”
“He’s not her son, Spats! She wouldn’t hold back information like that.”
“You know that other rumor, right? Notice how she’s releasing him the week before Hearts and Hooves Day…”
“They were not lovers! ” hissed Radish.
“But whatever they are to each other, the city won’t stand for this. We could have a genuine, honest-to-goodness revolt on our hooves. Torches and pitchforks.”
Radish felt the hilt of his sword.
“And that means we’d have to fight our own people… to protect our own princess.”
“That’s right.”
“It won’t come to that,” said a voice behind them. They turned to see Saguaro Shade. “Ponies are rational creatures. All Celestia has to do is explain herself to them, and they’ll see things her way.”
“Sir, do you see things her way?” Spats asked.
“The Royal Guard supports the princess’s decisions.”
“Sir,” said Radish, “during the wedding…”
“I know, Root. But you can’t let one bad day destroy your respect for the chain of command. But on that token… Surprise Changeling Check, you two.”
Radish and Spats stood at the ready.
“Lieutenant Spatterdash, what was the very first thing you ever said to me?”
“Something like, ‘that’s a nice hat’.”
“Correct. Lieu-”
“Then I asked you where you got it, and-”
“Stop. Lieutenant Root, when we first met, who was giving you the business?”
“Oh!” said Spats, “It was-”
“The question is for Root, Spatterdash.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“Worthy Wagoner,” sighed Radish. “He’s a bozo.”
“Right on both accounts. Carry on, you two.”
The three went their separate ways. As Radish was about to step outside, Barrel Roller cut off his exit.
“Root, we need to talk. Come with me.”
She led him into an empty nearby multipurpose room. She locked the door behind them, but didn’t flick on the lights.
“Ma’am?”
“Root, I want to hear your honest opinion about this Discord thing.”
“The Royal Guard supports Princess Celestia’s decisions.”
“To Tartarus with that. Your honest opinion, or you’re fired.”
“I think it’s a colossally bad idea.”
“Of course it is. And it’s scheduled to happen after I’ve taken the reins from Shining Armor. That means the first thing that will happen under my captaincy will be the unnecessary release of an existential threat.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
“Princess Celestia solicited my opinion on the matter of Discord. I told her, in the strongest of terms, that I disagreed with his parole. She’s doing it anyway. And she is leaving the Guard completely out of this. Whatever happens is out of our hooves. It’s in the hooves of those six.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“But I don’t have to like it. And I have a responsibility to make every effort I can in defense of Equestria.”
“What effort do you mean, ma’am?”
“Root… you’re close to Big White. I’d appreciate it if you could have a friendly, but pointed, conversation with her about this.”
“You mean you want me to leverage my friendship with the princess to question her judgment?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Radish found Celestia sitting on a bench overlooking the lake, drinking from a travel mug. Swans rested on the ground beside her. The swans eyed him warily.
“Your highness,” Radish said, saluting, “I’ve come to-”
“Your soon-to-be captain still has misgivings about my paroling Discord.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Come. Sit,” said Celestia, scooting down the bench. Radish obeyed. The swans relaxed.
“Radish, I have had this conversation with every senior officer in my Guard, as well as with Luna, a senate subcommittee, the mage council, and the head of the Equestrian Educational Association- who, frankly, was way out of his jurisdiction. I hardly need to explain my decisions to a lieutenant.”
“No, ma’am. I’m sorry, ma’am.”
“But you are also an old friend of mine, and I value your opinion. Do you, personally, disagree with the idea?”
“Yes, ma’am. Vehemently.”
“Vehemently ! That is quite serious.”
“Ma’am, I’m terrified of what could happen if you do this.”
“And I am terrified of what could happen if I don’t. Lieutenant, the wedding invasion was a wakeup call. We need to use every advantage at our disposal. Could you imagine the possibilities of having Discord on our side?”
“No, ma’am. I can only imagine the perils.”
“We will be taking every precaution.”
“Princess… is there something else going on?”
Celestia sighed. “Do you know the reason why this decision is mine alone?”
“I don’t.”
“When we first turned Discord to stone a thousand years ago, the city council decreed that the statue belonged to Luna and I. As our trophy. Our spoils of war.”
“Really?”
“Yes. We thought he was gone forever, leaving only a cold stone memorial. Luna wanted to get rid of the statue, but I felt it could be educational. She gave up all claims to it- her exact words were, ‘do what you want with it’- so I put it in the statue garden.”
She leaned back on the bench.
“But now that we know that he was alive inside, that means I didn’t simply own a statue- I legally owned Discord for a thousand years. You realize what that makes me?”
“A… slave owner?” Radish asked, uneasily.
“Yes. It’s awful. And I’m sure he got a kick out of putting that on me.”
“Ma’am, you don’t have to free Discord to stop being his, uh, owner. You can put the statue in public domain. And make sure it stays there forever.”
“Radish, did you know that he’s conscious in his petrified form?”
“We only have his word on that. He could have been lying.”
“I don’t think he was. Imagine spending a thousand years seeing and hearing the world around you, but being unable to move. It’s horrible torture, Radish. Cruel and unusual punishment. I put my sister in a similar state, and hated every day of it.”
“Ma’am, he doesn’t have a mind like us. He probably has no concept of pain, stress, or torture. A thousand years like that might be nothing to him. He might enjoy it.”
Celestia sipped from her mug. She watched a merganser swim across the surface of the lake.
“Radish, Equestria is changing. When I first sent Twilight to study the Magic of Friendship, I thought I was mainly doing it for her benefit. But everything since then has given me a new perspective. The things she’s discovering about friendship are making a difference in ways I never expected.”
“Really?”
“Since I began my reign, I’ve done my best to keep disasters at bay so that ponykind could improve upon the status quo at its own pace. Twilight is advancing the status quo by leaps and bounds.”
“How so?”
“She and her friends got a dragon to leave Equestria, peacefully. Under the old ways, we’d have sent a battalion to drive it out, risking many lives, and a war with the Dragon Lord.”
“I… I was as impressed as anyone.”
“Also, in times past, a power-mad mage like Trixie would have been killed or imprisoned in Tartarus. Twilight instead disarmed her, rescued her from corruption, and even got an apology from her. She’s now on a better path, and the dangerous artifact she uncovered will never harm anyone again. This friendship magic is real, lieutenant. It’s powerful. And it’s the future.”
“But… Discord? Is he even capable of friendship?”
“I believe so. And as you pointed out, Discord will break free every time the Elements of Harmony pass to new users. The only permanent solution is to give him a place in this new Friendship Paradigm.”
Radish grit his teeth. “Princess, I have reason to believe that Discord may harbor a personal grudge against me.”
Celestia looked down at him. “The banana cream pie?”
“Among… other things.”
She gave Radish a reproachful glance. “You mouthed off to the statue, didn’t you?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She shrugged. “So did I. So did Luna. So did hundreds of other ponies in the palace. And I’m pretty sure Rainbow Dash bounced a kickball off of him. I doubt he would fixate on you in particular.”
“I see…”
“Oh, and I know there’s been quite a few rumors about Discord and myself…”
“I, uh, don’t really pay attention to gossip.”
“For the record, we are not related. Nor has there ever been anything romantic between us. He’s never been anything to me but an adversary.”
“I never believed any of that.”
“Thank you, Radish. Perhaps soon we may all be calling him an ally, possibly even a friend.”
“What should I tell the commander?”
“Tell her to never again leverage our friendship to question my judgment.”
“Well, I don’t think I can tell her that .”
“You’ll think of something.”
Radish entered Cat’s Howl. Light was behind the counter, going over receipts.
“Hi, Light.”
“Hey, you,” she said. “Care to explain this?”
She held up the day’s newspaper. The front page headline was about Celestia freeing Discord.
“Yeah. I know,” said Radish. “I was as surprised as anyone.”
“Discord turned this neighborhood inside-out. I lost business because of him. And now she’s letting him loose?”
“I tried to talk her out of it. There’s nothing to be done.”
“She’s doing this out of spite, you know. Since you’re dating someone, she’s getting herself a boyfriend she knows you’ll hate.”
“It’s not like that. She just wants to turn a threat into an asset.”
“You think that will happen?”
“No. I think Twilight will just end up having to petrify him again.”
“It’s still a risky plan.”
“I know.” Radish stepped closer to her. “But I promise you, I’m not going to let Discord hurt you.”
Light leaned back. “What does that mean?”
Radish visited his personal garden plot. The anti-chaos spores had now grown into tiny green mushrooms. He put his face close to the ground to look at them.
“Hey guys. I’m going to have to call you into action sooner than I thought. We’ve got trouble. Discord’s getting free, and he’ll be coming after me. I need the protection only you can provide.”
He pulled out a large camping knife. “I’m going to make my stand far away from everyone I care about. I can’t take my Guard weapons, so this will have to do. Hop on.”
He crushed several of the mushrooms, and spread them across the knife. Its blade sparkled with a dim green glow. He smeared a thick line of mushroom goo under each of his eyes, then dabbed some on the back of his neck. “All right. Let’s go.”
Radish stood alone on a cliff in the Unicorn mountains, at the exact spot where Fluttershy once convinced a dragon to leave Equestria. The dragon’s cave was empty now, with not so much as a coin of its hoard remaining. Radish set up a campsite in silence.
He turned to face Ponyville, now too distant to see. He unsheathed his spore-poisoned knife and held it close. He narrowed his eyes at the horizon.
“Okay, you ugly sonofabitch. You want me? Come get me!”
Radish waited. The mountains were quiet, except for a few animal noises- birds calling, lizards rustling in bushes, insects chirping.
“Dragging it out, huh? Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere until we’ve settled this.”
Radish waited. He checked his watch. Discord should have been free for several hours by now. The world didn’t look different- the ground was the ground, and the sky was the sky.
Maybe he acted up the instant he was freed, and the girls had to re-petrify him immediately.
Radish looked around.
Or maybe he’s nearby, watching me. Maybe he’s right behind me?
Radish whipped around, holding the knife high. Discord wasn’t right behind him.
“Fine.” Radish popped a jalapeño chew in his mouth. “Play coy. You’re not going to get the drop on me.”
Radish waited. Hours passed. Discord didn’t come.
Radish walked out to the edge of the cliff.
“Come on! What are you waiting for!? You and me! We have business to settle!”
He stood on his hind legs and held his forelegs wide.
“The pie was me, you know! I foiled your scheme to humiliate Celestia- a scheme a thousand years in the making! Then I stopped your little fan club from freeing you! I’m the one who made sure you were gathering dust in the basement! I’m your enemy, and I’M RIGHT HERE!”
Nothing responded. Radish sank down to the dirt. He shuffled over to his campsite.
“All right, pal. I’m not fighting you on an empty stomach.” He lit a fire, and proceeded to roast prickly pear fruit on a spit.
“Whoa! Radish Root? Is that you?”
Radish snatched his knife and took a fighting stance in the direction of the voice. A small female donkey in a Plains Ranger uniform was standing on the ridge overlooking his campsite. His eyes widened in surprise.
“Bernarda? Bernarda Burro?”
“Hey! It is you!”
She jumped down to his level. They hugged.
“Well, I’ll be,” said Radish. "I haven’t seen you since Ranger Academy! This is your post now?”
“Yeah. HQ wanted a Ranger up here in case another dragon decides to move in. But enough about me- I heard you joined the Royal Guard!”
“I did. I am highly-decorated.”
“You were there for the Battle of the Brides?”
“On the front line.”
“Have you had sex with Celestia?”
“Hey!”
“What?” Bernarda asked. “It’s your cutie mark.”
“I have a real girlfriend now, thank you very much.”
“Ooh, is she here?”
“Uh, no.”
Bernarda frowned. “Are you camping to get away from her?”
“Yes. But to protect her.”
“From… you?”
“No. Have you heard about Discord?”
“Yeah. Is Celestia out of her mind?”
“She’s just passionate about her beliefs. But I’m worried Discord will come after me.”
“Why?”
“Uh… that’s classified. But I’m facing him here. You should clear away, too. I wouldn’t want you to get caught in the crossfire.”
“No. This is my territory. If Discord is coming here to attack you, it would be un-Ranger-like to abandon you.”
Radish took a cautious step back, holding the knife close to his chest. “Yeah? How do I know you’re not Discord in disguise?”
“Well, how about this?” She made a series of gestures to Radish- Ranger hoof signal code.
“Discord could know those signs,” said Radish.
“Could Discord know about that time we thought Celestia was coming to tour the Academy, so you styled your mane like a movie star and picked a bouquet of roses for her? Only to learn it was just some palace clerk coming to do inspections?”
Radish scowled and lowered the knife. “Well, at least he appreciated it!”
Bernarda smirked. “Come on. We’ll wait for Discord together.”
“You can’t do anything against him.”
“And you can?”
“I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve.”
Bernarda pulled her crossbow from her back. “So do the Rangers, these days.”
“Really? Like what?”
“Sorry, that’s classified.”
“Fine. If you insist on staying, you can watch the western sky. I’ll take the east.”
They shared the roasted cactus fruit, chewing and watching the horizons back-to-back. The sun reached its high noon peak- normally, like it should.
“So, how’s Ranger life?” Radish asked.
“Busy. More ponies are going camping now. Ever since the moon lost its mare-in-the-moon, ponies aren’t so afraid to sleep under it anymore.”
“Princess Luna protects the night now.”
“I heard she’s spooky.”
“In a fun way. She’s actually one of the nicest ponies you’ll ever meet.”
“So, tell me about your girlfriend.”
“Her name is Light. She's beautiful, creative, smart-”
“...and spending her Saturday all alone…”
“I can’t be around her as long as Discord poses a threat.”
“There’s always going to be one threat or another. Maybe one day, there’ll be a threat that gets us all. Don’t you want to have as many Saturdays as you can with her before then?”
Radish cast his gaze across the horizon. He looked down at his knife. He sighed. “He’s not coming, is he?”
“Probably not.”
“Thanks for watching my back,” Radish said. He stood and started to pack up his gear.
“I’ll walk you down the mountain. You can still make Canterlot before dark.”
“Actually, I have another stop, first.”
Radish reached Ponyville by late afternoon. He took a deep breath, and slowly walked into town square, his heart racing. The town looked normal. Ponies were going about their business, normally.
He made his way to Fluttershy’s cottage. He hesitated, then knocked on the door. She opened, and smiled widely upon seeing him.
“Oh! Radish! Hi!”
“Sorry to drop in unannounced.”
“Come in! I just made lemonade.”
Radish entered the cottage. A few rabbits, squirrels, and skunks were inside, feeding, resting, and playing.
“What brings you here?” Fluttershy asked.
“Fluttershy… I’d like to speak with Discord.”
“Oh, he’s not here. We all had dinner together, then he went back to his home dimension.”
“He has a home dimension?”
“He said it’s the most happenin’ place in multicosmos.”
“Did he… say anything about me?”
Fluttershy put her hoof to her chin. “Hmm… not that I can remember. Twilight said she wanted to introduce him to the rest of our friends, but he just made a big sarcastic yawn and changed the subject. Why? Were you expecting him to?”
“I guess I really don’t rate with him the way I thought I did. How are you feeling about him being loose?”
She smiled. “I think it’s nice that he’s been given this chance. Nopony- or nobody- should have to spend thousands of years without friendship. I think we can all expect big things from Discord now that he’s a good guy.”
“Good guy? Really?”
“Well, maybe an okay guy. But I’m sure he’ll work his way up to good guy in no time.”
“I’ll have to trust your judgment on this, Fluttershy. If you say there’s no threat, then I might as well go back to Canterlot and enjoy my weekend.”
“Oh, that’s right, you have a girlfriend now, don’t you? Congratulations! I’m glad you found someone- I was feeling really bad about, well, turning you down.”
Behind her back, one of the rabbits shot Radish a disapproving scowl.
“Don't worry about that,” said Radish. “It all worked out for the best.”
“I think so, too.” They hugged. Fluttershy leaned back. “Uh, Radish, you smell like old mushrooms.”
“Sorry. But I bet I still smell better than Discord, huh? He must smell like a whole petting zoo all at once.”
“Actually, he smelled like licorice. It was nice.”
“That’s weird, Fluttershy.”
The rabbit nodded in agreement.
Dear Radish,
You’ve no doubt heard about how we were tasked with reforming Discord. I can only imagine how nervous this plan made the Royal Guard feel- believe me, we all had our doubts about it as well. But all seems to be well. I should have known to never doubt Fluttershy’s kindness.
I’m starting to wonder if the magic of friendship is truly the most powerful force on the planet. Maybe I’ve only scratched the surface of what it can do. Maybe I’m standing on the precipice of understanding a power beyond measure. For the first time since I’ve started to study friendship, I’m feeling humbled at what I don’t know I don’t know, you know?
If you have any insight, I could use it,
Twilight Sparkle
“Does she write like that every time?” Light Fantastic asked, reading the letter over Radish’s shoulder. The two were relaxing in her living room.
“It’s not usually this dramatic. She usually writes about the misadventures of her five friends. And sometimes about these three kids in her town,” Radish said. “I guess taming Delta could make anyone feel weirdly powerful.”
“Delta? You mean Discord?”
“Guards don’t like to say his name. He might see it as an invitation to pop in.”
“Huh. Do you want to invite Twilight up for dinner or something? She sounds like she needs to get out of her head.”
"That's nice, Fanny. Oh, there's a PS..."
P.S., How are things with Light Fantastic?
“Yeah, how are things with me?”
“I think they’re going pretty well,” answered Radish. "In fact, next week is Hearts and Hooves Day..."
"Yeah?"
"And I've never celebrated it with anyone before. So I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner at Chez Foin?"
"That's a fancy place. Are you sure I'm worth it?"
"I'm sure."
"I’ll meet you there," she said. The two kissed.
Light looked back down at the letter. “Do you think Fluttershy and Delta are banging now?”
“What? No. That's gross."
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish trotted into the palace’s gymnasium, over to the wrestling ring. He found Flash Sentry pinning and defeating Dune Crest, a tan earth stallion. The guards watching cheered.
“Hey, Root,” said Flash, toweling off. “Did you come to wrestle again?”
“Nah, I came to wish you luck at your new post.”
“Thanks! I’m looking forward to it. The Crystal Empire is an amazing place.”
“What made you want to transfer?”
“Actually, Princess Luna recommended me!”
“Really?”
“Yeah, ever since I caught her falling off her balcony, we’ve been good friends.”
“I didn’t realize.”
“She did this thing where she kissed my cheek and called it ‘bestowing a favor’. It was really cute.”
“Oh… I see.”
“Since then, I’ve been guarding her door on The Night Shift. We hang out a lot now.”
“I’m… I’m glad she has a new friend.”
“So, when Princess Cadance expressed concern that the Empire didn’t have enough air support, Princess Luna suggested I transfer. She said her niece could use a ‘brave and skilled’ flier such as myself on her Honor Guard.”
“That’s… wonderful.”
“Plus, the Empire's music scene is a thousand years out of date. They could use a modern rock infusion.”
“I’m sorry I never came to hear your band play.”
“Don’t be. We were terrible.”
Zero entered the gym and hovered over them.
“Root, Shining Armor wants to see you.”
“Oh? Okay.”
Zero nodded and flew off.
“Hey, maybe Luna’s recommended you for transfer, too!” suggested Flash.
“I can’t move. I’m with someone now.”
“Is it serious?”
“I think so.”
“Would she move for you?”
“I couldn’t ask her to do that.”
“Then, is it really that serious?”
“I… shouldn’t keep the prince waiting.”
Radish Root sat in front of Shining Armor for what was possibly the last time. His office was emptied of personal items, leaving only basic furniture and a fern.
“Well, Root. That’s it for me. As of thirty minutes ago, I am no longer the captain around here.”
“Yes, your highness. I’d like to thank you for the opportunity to work with you, and wish you luck in the future.”
“Aw, that’s sweet, Root. But we haven’t seen the last of each other.”
“No?”
“Yeah, Hearts and Hooves is tomorrow.”
“I, uh, don’t follow.”
“We’re having a surprise dinner for Twilight in Canterlot! Me, Cadance, my parents, Spike, and the Ponyville gang will be coming. Her pen pal should be there, too.”
“The dinner is a surprise? For her too, I mean?”
“Yeah, we’ve set up a scavenger hunt for her! She thinks she’s finding clues to uncover some ancient magic, but it’s really going to lead her to the restaurant. We’ll all surprise her there with gifts!”
“So there’s no ancient magic at the end of it?”
“Sure there is- friendship! Get it?”
“That’s nice. I wish I knew about this before I made reservations at Chez Foin.”
“For who?”
“My girlfriend and I.”
“You have a girlfriend?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Trust me, you don’t want to take a girl to Chez Foin, anyway. Cadance and I went there all the time. They were always forgetting to put her dressing on the side.”
“That’s monstrous, sir.”
“So, seven tomorrow, at Starting Gate’s. Dress nice.”
“I’ll talk to Light Fantastic.”
“Who?”
“My girlfriend.”
“Sure. Oh yeah, Princess Celestia wants to see you. Courtyard A.”
Radish exited the office. He had to take a minute for himself before continuing. He felt a pain in his jaw, and realized it had been clenched tightly. He relaxed it, feeling relief.
Radish made his way to the courtyard and opened the door. He saw Celestia, sitting on the same bench as last time, in front of a small table with a kettle and mugs. She wore a rich velvet cloak around her. He approached her and saluted. She returned the salute.
“Radish, come join me in a mug of hot chocolate. It’s perfect for this time of year.”
“Thank you, princess.”
He sat next to her and she passed him a mug. It was a multi-pony mug, the kind engineered with micro-grooves so that it could easily be held with a unicorn’s aura, a pegasus’s wings, or an earth pony’s hooves. He sipped. The taste was more complex than he was expecting- semisweet, with hints of several seasonal spices.
“This is really good.”
“Isn’t it?”
Radish looked up at the tree in front of them.
“How’s the orange tree, princess?”
“Are you asking literally, or is that your way of asking for a performance review?”
“I meant literally, but if you have any comments…”
“You've exceeded my expectations in all respects. I have no doubt that accepting you into my Guard was the right decision.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“And the tree did well this year. A fantastic crop. But there is something odd about how it faces the winter. At this time of year, the oranges turn incredibly sour and acidic. They’re only good for sauces and hard candies. And the rind becomes extra potent for flavoring things.”
She picked up an orange and a microplane grater, and shaved some rind onto Radish’s hot chocolate. He tried it.
“It tastes amazing.”
“Doesn’t it? This winter change doesn’t happen in Balencia- it seems to be a side effect of our soils.”
“So, even though the tree and I didn’t belong here, hidden things about ourselves were revealed when we were planted here.”
“Don’t torture the metaphor, Radish. It’s told us all it knows.”
“Sorry, ma’am.”
“Shining Armor is leaving us now. On to much larger responsibilities.”
“I’m happy. For him.”
“I wanted to hear your opinion on his tenure as captain.”
“I think he’s done a-”
“And remember, as my friend, you are to be honest with me.”
“...I don’t want to say anything bad about him.”
“Oh?”
“And I do respect him- he was willing to give me a chance here. I’ve learned a lot from him.”
“Yes?”
“I know you two are family. And he’s Twilight’s brother.”
“Let’s hear the ‘but’, Radish.”
“But, ma’am…” Radish put his mug down and took a deep breath. "Shining Armor is a dumb jock and he protects you like one!”
Celestia’s expression kept steady. She took a sip from her mug. “Do go on.”
“Have you seen some of the plans he’s proposed for the palace? He wanted to permanently seal up all the tunnels in the underground.”
“You object to that?”
“Yes! They’re perfect for trapping infiltrators. If somepony wants to sneak into the palace, the tunnels are the first place they’ll try. If they see the tunnels are sealed, they’ll try somewhere else topside- and possibly escalate with a more dangerous plan for dealing with the guards they meet. But if they’re allowed into the tunnels, they could be funneled into non-lethal traps and apprehended safely.”
“I believe this is the key difference between you and Shining Armor. He prefers to keep invaders out, while you’d like to draw them into a trap.”
“I guess I’m just still thinking like a Ranger. On the plains, there weren’t walls to keep attackers out. If a jackalope was after me, I’d have to set a snare and hide in ambush.”
“I value all the unique perspectives that guards from different backgrounds bring to the palace. But I chose Shining Armor as my captain for a reason, Radish, and it’s not because of his shield spells. I value his uncomplicated, strong, and visible approach to defense.”
“Did you know he had this idea to put big fans all over Canterlot’s rooftops to repel flying enemies?”
“You disapprove?”
“Yes. Fans take a long time to spin up to maximum speed, and a long time to spin down. They don’t discriminate between friend and foe. While in use, pegasi, including the Wonderbolts, would be grounded. Even you and Princess Luna, ma’am. Allied birds would be flung out of town. And I don’t even want to think about how loud they’d be- it would be impossible to hear anything.”
“Haven’t you complained about the towers’ vulnerabilities from the air?”
“There’s a better way. Instead of fans, use air jets. The pumps would be safely kept underground, and pressurized air could be stored for use on demand. Then, blasts of air could be funneled up through pipes and out of nozzles on the roofs. And those nozzles could be aimed and fired as needed. If a Wonderbolt is being chased, for example, then only the chaser could be targeted. You can’t do that with a fan.”
“That sounds exceedingly complicated. It would take a lot of engineering.”
"Well... reverse-engineering, actually. Nightmare Moon already designed and built a precision air cannon."
"Nightmare Moon, Radish? The citizens of Canterlot may not like living with her weapons hanging over their heads."
"They'd never see it. The cannon nozzles could be discreetly hidden in Canterlot’s architecture, unlike the fans, which would ruin Canterlot’s skyline.”
“I had no idea you cared so much about the city’s aesthetics.”
“It’s a beautiful city, princess. The lines and curves were built deliberately by its architects.”
“I knew those architects, Radish. They would happily ruin every building’s look if it meant protecting ponies.”
“Oh. I’m sorry, ma’am. I just get carried away when I’m thinking of how to protect… well, you.”
“I appreciate that. I actually enjoy reading your suggestions.”
“They reach you? I thought Shining and Barrel just toss them.”
“We don’t throw away ideas. Even if they’re not used, they’re respected. And archived.”
“Wow, I’m in the archives? I feel important now.”
He chuckled. Something drifted down in front of him- a snowflake. He looked up. Snow was falling all around them. Radish shivered.
“Was there snow on the Southern Plains?” Celestia asked, watching the snow drift down into the courtyard.
“Sometimes, on the mountains. It’s wild sky there, ma’am. No pegasi to schedule the snow. You just had to take the weather as it was.”
He rubbed his hooves together and breathed on them.
“Here,” said Celestia.
Her wing pushed open her cloak and pulled Radish into her side, closing the cloak around the two of them. He instantly felt warmer. Her fur and feathers were unbelievably soft. Her perfume was subtle and breezy.
“This is but a simple gesture of comfort between friends, you understand,” she said.
“I know, ma’am. Thank you.” He curled up between her wing and her body, trying to calm his breathing.
He looked up at the top of the courtyard. “That’s a security risk, too, princess. This courtyard is open to the sky.”
“That is the point of a courtyard, Radish.”
“But it can be gated. Look, we could put bars over the opening.”
“Would that not ruin the aesthetics, as well?”
“No, because it could be done well. Make it an intricate pattern, like in the Cart Nouveau style.”
“Cart Nouveau uses delicate linework. That doesn’t sound very defensive.”
“With the right alloy, the bars would hold. After all,” he said, looking up at her, “just because something is beautiful, doesn’t mean it can’t be strong.”
Celestia looked into his eyes, smiling. “You think?”
“I know. Just like Light Fantastic.”
Celestia stopped smiling. “Beg pardon?”
“My girlfriend. She’s really beautiful, but totally confident.”
"Ah. That's nice."
“There’s one more thing. I’ve been very hesitant, well scared , to bring it up for the longest time.”
“Tell me.”
He took a deep breath. “I think you should take hoof-to-hoof combat lessons.”
“Oh?”
“Please, I only say this because I care…”
“I know.”
“…but Chrysalis took you down too quickly. I know she was getting an incredible boost of power from Shining’s love, and I can’t measure what that was…”
“Right.”
“I heard you locked horns with her. And that’s amazing. But then you resorted to a magic duel too quickly.”
“Resorted, you say. What should I have done differently?”
“I know you have earth pony strength. You should default to earth pony fighting techniques. Let that be your bread and butter, instead of spells. Get close, hit hard and fast. She wouldn’t have seen it coming. When you locked horns with her, you could have taken advantage of her momentum and slammed her to the floor. A follow-up heel to the face could have knocked her out, no magic dueling needed.”
“I see,” said Celestia. “You have been fantasizing about me rolling around on the floor with Chrysalis. Perhaps in a puddle of mud, or a tub of jelly?”
“Princess, I’m only saying this because I care about you.”
“Radish, do you think there has been a single day since the wedding that I haven’t gone over the fight in my head, agonizing over everything I did wrong?”
“I’m sorry, ma’am. It wasn’t my place.”
“Do you think I’ve been sitting idly by since then, stagnating? Frittering away the hours while our enemies loom in the darkness?”
“I beg your forgiveness.”
“Do you want to show me what you think you’re talking about?”
“Ma’am?”
Celestia spread her wings, throwing off the cloak from them. She stepped forward into the center of the courtyard. She turned to him with disdain in her eyes.
“If you’re so confident in your fighting style, demonstrate it. Take me down as easily as you claim I could have taken down Chrysalis.”
“Ma’am! I’m so sorry!”
She pointed a hoof at him. “I challenge you to an official sparring match. Here. Now.”
“Ma’am, we can’t fight in here! There are thorny bushes, trees, snow, stone furniture…”
“Do you think Chrysalis will wait to fight me in a padded gym?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt!”
“You don’t want me to get hurt. How chivalrous of you. How gallant! How kind . I request Canterbury Rules, Variant Seven. Does that satisfy you?”
“Seven! We can’t!”
“I’ll make this interesting. Tomorrow is Hearts and Hooves Day, is it not? If you win, you and Light Fantastic may spend it in the royal spa. Just you two. All inclusive.”
“I… really?”
Radish’s mind reeled. Nopony but princesses used the royal spa. Some doubted its existence.
“But if you lose,” she said, “you’ll spend the holiday mucking the pigeon tower.”
“I… I accept.”
“Good.”
Celestia’s horn glowed, and a large hourglass appeared hovering in the center of the courtyard.
“You will have ten minutes to pin both of my shoulders to the ground. If you are unable to do so, I win.”
“I understand.”
She cast another spell, and glowing signs appeared on the windows of the courtyard, facing into the halls. They read, “Official Match Starting Soon. No Entry.” The windows and doors of the courtyard locked themselves.
A trunk appeared on the ground and popped open. Inside was wrestling gear for two, a wraparound wing brace, and a horn pad. Celestia took off her crown, shoes, and peytral, and placed them in the box. She wrapped her wings tightly, and secured the pad on her horn.
Radish looked at her in awe. She had given up her wings and horn without hesitation. Without fear of him.
He slowly undid his armor and placed it in the box. He unbelted his saddle blanket and placed it with his armor, exposing his cutie marks.
Celestia looked upon Radish’s marks for the first time in years. She glowered at them. Radish quickly pulled on the wrestling singlet to cover them.
They finished dressing and began to stretch, looking at each other over their shoulders.
The Only Mark That Matters
Twilight Sparkle and her friends strolled through a back hall of the royal palace.
“Sorry, girls,” said Twilight. “I really thought we’d find some clues in the orrery.”
“Don’t fret none,” said Applejack. “Ain’t a bad way to spend an afternoon, anyhow.”
“Perhaps we could try the statue garden again?” said Rarity. “I could swear some of them were pointing in rather suspicious directions.”
Spike ran up to them and skidded to a stop, out of breath.
“You guys!” he shouted, “Princess Celestia and Radish Root are about to fight in the courtyard! Come on!”
“What?” cried Twilight.
They all galloped after him. They reached the windows of one side of the courtyard. The signs now read “Starting in 1:15” and were counting down. A crowd of the palace’s personnel were gathering around the windows, jockeying for better views. Celestia and Radish were finishing their stretches and taking position.
“Whoa!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “How did this happen? Does this happen often?”
“Now, what’s gotten into that boy?” wondered Applejack.
“Oh my,” said Fluttershy. “Are they angry with each other?”
Twilight looked up at the signs.
“It says it’s an official match. It’s got to be just an impromptu training session.”
“In there?” asked Rarity. “What kind of a place is that for sparring? There are thorny bushes, trees, snow, stone furniture…”
Twilight cast a spell, and a large sports rulebook appeared before her and slammed to the ground. She flipped through it.
“Uh oh. This would have to be Variant Seven.”
“What’s that mean?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Well, it’s for matches that need to be anytime, anywhere. Just a few rules. Grappling only. No biting, eye gouging, groin attacks…”
“Thank goodness for that!” said Rarity.
“…no weapons, but you can throw each other into anything in there. And, oh, wow. Each combatant is allowed one headbutt!?”
“Whoa-ho!” said Pinkie Pie. “This is gonna be good!”
“Oh, come on. Radish ain’t a-gonna headbutt the princess,” said Applejack.
“Indeed. And the princess is far too much of a lady to even think about such a thing,” added Rarity.
Radish and Celestia stood before each other. Celestia lowered her head in grim coldness. Radish met her gaze with steely determination. They were exchanging words.
“Oh, they’re looking mighty angry,” said Applejack.
“Naw,” said Rainbow Dash. “They just have their game faces on. Grr!”
“Like this?” asked Pinkie Pie, putting on the meanest face she could. “Grr!”
“Yeah! Grr!” laughed Rainbow Dash. She pressed up to the window. “What are they saying in there? Why is this soundproof? They could be talking smack to each other. Maybe even talking trash!”
“What’s the difference?” asked Twilight.
“Smack is when you say what you’re going to do, like, ‘I’ll shred you into hay burgers.’ Trash is when you say something about them personally, like, ‘You’re so ugly, when you were born, your mother slapped the doctor.’”
Celestia looked at the floating hourglass. She said something, shaking her head. Radish said something, raising his.
“Ugh! I’ve got to know what they’re saying!” groaned Rainbow Dash. “Does anypony read lips?”
All eyes turned to Twilight.
“Don’t look at me,” she said. “Where would I ever learn that?”
“Um, I know how to read lips,” said Fluttershy.
All eyes turned to her.
“Really?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“See, I have this thing about personal space, so it helps to-”
“Never mind why, tell us what they’re saying!”
Dash grabbed Fluttershy’s head and pressed it to the window. Fluttershy peered closely and watched the two exchange words. The exchange ended with Celestia furrowing her eyes.
“Oh my,” said Fluttershy.
“What? Is it smack? Trash?” asked Dash.
“Well, Celestia just said, ‘I’ve overseen the training of the royal guards for millennia. Every move you know has my stamp of approval on it. Oh, and these rules you agreed to fight by? I wrote them.’ ”
“Ha! That’s good stuff,” laughed Rainbow Dash.
“But then Radish replied with, ‘I know. I’ve seen all the spelling errors in the first draft .’”
“Oh, what!? He immediately escalated to trash? Nice knowing you, Radish.”
An unseen bell rang. The hourglass turned over. The signs on the windows changed to “Official Match in Progress.”
Radish and Celestia circled each other. Radish looked around the courtyard. Celestia said something to him, and he squinted his eyes and said something back.
“Now what did they say?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Fluttershy cleared her throat and attempted an imitation of Celestia.
“Are you going to fight me or just take in the scenery? ”
She switched to an approximation of Radish’s voice.
“It’s on, your highness .”
Radish then charged at Celestia. She bent low. He leapt. She reared up, and the two collided high. Radish gripped Celestia around the neck, but Celestia seized him in her forelegs and slammed him into the ground. The thud shook the windows. The ponies watching backed away.
Radish struggled under Celestia. She looked down at him and spoke.
“Is that all? Where’s your vaunted fighting techniques, Radish? ” lip-read Fluttershy as Celestia.
“Just getting started, your excellency. ”
Radish kicked to the side, flinging his body out of Celestia’s grip, then used his momentum and his grasp on her neck to vault himself onto her back. He clenched around her neck with his forelegs and onto her shoulders with his hind legs.
Celestia stood up calmly. She jumped. Radish held on. She flung her weight left and right, but Radish held on. She bucked her front and hind legs madly, but Radish held on.
“Hoo boy!” cheered Applejack. “He’s on her like a buckin’ rodeo pony!”
Celestia gave up, then took to her hind legs and ran backwards into the Balencian orange tree. She smashed Radish into its trunk, causing his eyes to bug out and his lungs to empty. As she crushed him into it, he reached back and tapped against the tree, causing several oranges to drop onto the ground. Celestia looked down at them, then spoke to Radish while crushing the oranges under her hoof.
“Trying to trip me on oranges, Radish? Is that your plan for Chrysalis, too? ” read Fluttershy.
“That’d be pretty funny!” said Pinkie Pie.
Celestia then seized him and flung him across the room. He smacked into the glass in front of Twilight and her friends. They startled back. Fluttershy bent down to see Celestia and read, “Oh, didn’t I mention? I have been taking hoof-to-hoof combat lessons! From the ‘dumb jock’! ”
Fluttershy turned to the others. “She said it sarcastically, like it’s a point of contention between them.”
“Who does she mean?” asked Twilight. “I know that Shining’s been training with her, but… hey!”
Radish peeled himself off the window and faced Celestia. Fluttershy scooted to the side so she could see his lips.
“That explains why your form is so sloppy .”
Celestia struck a proud pose.
“And here I thought you liked my form .”
Rainbow Dash snickered.
Celestia then charged at full bore and twisted to shoulder-ram him. He leapt out of the way and she skidded to a stop in front of the window. Radish sprang behind her and shoved her into the glass. Her face pressed into it, and she turned her eyes to the girls. They stared at her, mouths agape.
She pushed off the window and grappled Radish to the ground, shoving his face into snow-covered grass. He kicked wildly, but she held him down tight, gritting her teeth. Radish’s hooves found purchase on a garden path flagstone, but Celestia kicked it away, and Radish fell flat under her again. She pressed him into the ground and held him there, not saying a word.
Fluttershy turned to the crowd around her.
“While there’s a break in the action, I’d like to make an announcement. I saw some of you feeding bread to the ducks outside, and you really shouldn’t do that. Bread is terribly unhealthy for birds, and-”
“We’re back on!” said Rainbow Dash.
They looked. Radish had balled himself up and thrown Celestia off, then retreated to a distance away from her. He was panting. Celestia looked at him.
“I hope Light Fantastic is prepared to spend Hearts and Hooves Day alone ,” read Fluttershy, trying to mimic the sneer in Celestia’s tone.
“Wait, he’s fighting for his ladylove?” asked Rarity, leaning forward. “Ooh, I’m in his corner now!”
Radish pointed at Celestia.
“Well, who’d know more about that than you?”
The crowd gasped. Celestia’s face turned furious.
“Whoa, too far, Radish,” said Twilight.
Fluttershy continued.
“That’s a low blow! ”
“You push me, I push back! ”
“Really? Is that what’s happening? Because I seem to be mopping the floor with you! ”
“You have two maids for your bedroom alone. I’m not worried about your mopping skills! ”
The girls heard a laugh behind them. They turned to see a maid watching the fight.
“He’s not wrong,” she said, shrugging.
Twilight looked around. The halls surrounding the courtyard were now full of spectators- palace staff, guards, tourists, even visiting dignitaries. Some were taking photographs. Some were scribbling down a blow-by-blow.
She looked up to see the windows in the floors above were full, too. Shining Armor, Barrel Roller, and Saguaro Shade were sharing a window, staring down at the fight and talking amongst themselves.
“Hey, Fluttershy,” said Twilight, “could you tell me what those three are saying?”
Fluttershy looked up at the guard leadership.
“Hey!” shouted a spectator behind the girls. “Don’t change the audio source! We wanna hear the fight!”
Several ponies shouted in agreement. Fluttershy looked at them angrily.
“They’re placing odds and taking bets on the fight,” she told Twilight.
“Really?” asked the same spectator. “What are the odds on Radish?”
“Shining gives him a million to one, against.”
“Oh, I’m taking that!”
The spectator and several others ran off. Fluttershy refocused on Celestia and Radish.
Celestia charged Radish. He leapt over her. She anticipated it, doubling back and catching him with her hind legs. She launched him into a wall. He rose to see her charging him again, then she turned around and crushed him into the wall with her rear end. He grunted, pinned. Celestia turned back and sneered. Fluttershy flew to a different window to get a better view of her speaking, and the crowd followed her.
“Maybe this is it, Radish. Maybe THIS is the moment from your cutie mark! ”
She ground her bottom into Radish, then bowed her front down.
“Come on, Radish. Do the face. Do the face you make on the mark! ”
Radish winced in pain and shook his head.
“Fine. I’ll do mine .”
Celestia opened her mouth and stuck out her tongue in a mockery of her image on Radish’s cutie marks. The crowd murmured. Twilight covered Spike’s eyes, to his protests.
“Making fun of his marks? Oh, Celestia, how awful!” moaned Rarity.
“That ain’t right,” agreed Applejack.
“You said you found them flattering ,” read Fluttershy, approximating the exasperation in Radish’s voice.
“I was taking pity on a mewling little whelp who thought his wet dream cutie marks entitled him to my body ! Oh my.”
“I have already apologized for treating you like an object! In essay form! But I will not apologize for my cutie marks! I got them from a childhood infatuation with you based on your cheesy merchandise, which I now know was heavily retouched! ”
Some of the spectators snickered.
“He’s right, you know,” said Rarity. “Those photographers reach for their airbrushes far too readily.”
“That cheesy merchandise pays for your salary, Radish! ”
“Well, maybe if you put Luna’s face on some, we could all get raises! ”
The audience gasped, then burst with laughter.
“Oh, he’s bringing me into it now, is he?” said Luna, walking up behind the girls.
“Princess Luna!” said Fluttershy, bowing.
“Keep relaying their words, Fluttershy. I want to hear everything.”
“Princess, do you know what this is about?” asked Twilight.
“Quite a few things long gone unsaid, it seems.”
Fluttershy cleared her throat. Celestia was speaking.
“... and ever since that day we met, all you’ve ever done is fail upward. You’ve built a career on dumb luck! ”
“I did honorable work as a Plains Ranger! ”
“The Plains Rangers are a bunch of rule-snubbing smoke watchers! You thought that would impress me? ”
“I solved the mystery of the Storm Centurions! ”
“You probably just snuck into that cave to canoodle with that buffalo girl of yours! ”
“Wait, there’s a third girl?” asked Rarity. “He’s losing me.”
“I was always a perfect gentlecolt to Sky, because I knew she deserved better than me! ”
“Oh, never mind, I’m back on board with him!” cheered Rarity.
Fluttershy’s mouth was getting dry. Pinkie Pie passed her a soda. She sipped and continued as Celestia.
“You want to know about the Storm Centurions? They were the worst unit in Equestria! Willow Wagoner got her command through nepotism and bribery! I gave them the easiest assignment I could think of to bolster their confidence -bring in some measly bandits- and they still all got themselves wiped out! ”
Radish spoke, emphatically waving his hoof, then quickly turned to Fluttershy and said something directly to her in a panic.
“Uh, he started to say something, but then told me that it’s unpublished research, and he would like me not to repeat it.”
“Oh?” asked Worthy Wagoner, suddenly by her side. “What was it? I can make it worth your while.”
“No, you can’t,” said Fluttershy, and turned away from him. She winked at Radish. He smiled back, then turned to Celestia.
“I saved Luna’s life during the invasion !”
“You stuck my sister in a barrel while an artifact that you broke did all the work! ”
“You gave me a medal for that! ”
“We were giving medals out like popcorn that day! ”
“Aww…” said a guard. He looked down sadly at his polished Iron Barding award, then at the popcorn he was eating.
Radish grinned and leaned in.
“That’s not all you gave me that day. ”
Celestia leaned in, looking smug.
“I was giving THOSE out like popcorn, too .”
Radish slumped his shoulders, crestfallen.
“Oh. Poor Radish,” said Twilight.
“Well, I wasn’t,” muttered Luna.
“What do they mean?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“I’ll tell you later, okay?” Twilight said.
Radish refocused himself. He struggled and shouted in anger.
“I don’t even know why you’re mad! I have done my best to serve you every day since I got here! ”
“Oh please, all you ever cared about was fu- uh, making love to me! No, Fluttershy, you don’t censor your princess! I said ‘fuck’! Fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCK! Ohh...”
Fluttershy whimpered. Pinkie Pie patted her head. Twilight covered Spike’s ears, far too slowly. Celestia looked around at the gathered viewers. Fluttershy relayed her words with growing discomfort.
“But at least he was honest about it! Half of you ponies only work here because you want to fuck me! ”
She pointed to various windows.
“He wants to fuck me! Those senators want to fuck me! That tour guide wants to fuck me! And I’m pretty sure Twilight has thought about it a couple times! ”
Twilight buried her face in her hooves and sank low. Applejack rubbed her shoulders.
“Do you have any idea what that’s like? Walking around this palace all day to a hundred libidinous stares!? A whole nation that sees me as a piece of tail first and their leader second! ”
“Well, not me! Not anymore! I have a girlfriend! She’s my princess now! ”
The spectators let out a collective “Aww ”.
“And while we have your spa, I’m sending out for crêpes! Uh, he said that all dramatically. I don’t know why.”
“Yeah, right, Radish. We both know you’ll never be over me. Never! Over! This! ”
Celestia shoved her backside into him with each word. Radish collapsed onto her haunches in pain. He caught his breath, then looked at her angrily.
“Under you, then .”
He dug his elbows into her hip joints, forcing her to lean forward. He twisted sideways and slipped under Celestia, hooking all four of her legs as he ran forward. She fell onto his back, and he carried her at full speed. He stopped just short of the table with the hot chocolate set on it. The momentum carried her into the table, smashing it to flinders. The tableware shattered on her. The hot chocolate, long since cooled, splashed over Celestia’s body.
She stood, dripping expensive imported cocoa. She looked at the shattered set, then flung herself wildly at Radish. He caught her this time, and the two grappled back and forth across the grass. Radish got Celestia in a headlock and howled.
“I AM over you! All I want is for you to be safe, healthy, and happy! ”
He squeezed her neck and dug his knees into her clavicle. Celestia threw him off and shoved him into a corner.
“Your idea of safety is letting the enemy get close and hoping they make a mistake! You think I want that kind of protection? ”
“It seems to be working out pretty well for me! ”
“What are you talking about? I’ve splatted you against every surface in here. You’ve been flailing about like a deflating balloon! ”
“Not flailing, learning! Measuring you! Your strength, speed, range, joints, and your weight distribution! And you know what, princess? You’ve got a really high center of gravity .”
Radish reeled back, then slammed his forehead into Celestia’s face at full force. As she stumbled back, he pushed off the wall, vaulting into the air over her, and dragged her down head-first into the stone bench. It shattered in half. He shoved her body over the snow-slick ground like a toboggan and crashed her through a thorny blackberry bush. Radish rolled over the crushed oranges, soaking their juice into his coat.
“Wait,” said Twilight. “He’s not going to…”
Celestia stood fuming. She was covered in thorny brambles piercing deep into her skin. She tore them out and advanced on Radish. He leapt at her. The concentrated citric acid in Radish’s coat splashed into Celestia’s cuts, and she howled. Her knees buckled, and Radish seized them and shoved her onto her back. He got one shoulder on the ground. Celestia’s eyes filled with panic as she realized she was one shoulder away from losing.
Radish put all his weight on her other shoulder, and she fought to keep it off the ground. The two struggled back and forth. Radish’s stamina was at its limits. Celestia jerked in pain as orange juice dripped into her cuts. Radish smiled.
Twilight wasn’t sure who started it, but she heard a soft female voice start to chant, “Ra-dish. Ra-dish. Ra-dish!”
The ponies around her joined in the chant, stomping their hooves in cadence.
“Ra-dish! Ra-dish! RADISH!”
Twilight rose with them and chanted.
“RADISH! RADISH! RADISH!”
Radish looked up to see the gallery cheering. Celestia looked sideways and saw it, too. Radish looked at the hourglass. The bottom bulb was almost full, with just a few more seconds of sand funneling above. He shoved with all his might.
Celestia sneered. Then, she smiled.
“Oh, that’s right, ” read Fluttershy only to herself, “I get one of these .”
Celestia drew her head to the ground. She slammed it into Radish’s. The impact made the audience yelp.
Radish saw stars. His hooves lost their strength as his body crumpled backwards. Celestia seized him and threw him under the hourglass. His vision refocused to see her looming over him.
“I’d never give you a minute of my time, Radish. But you can have the rest of yours .”
She punched the latch on the bottom bulb of the hourglass. Nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds worth of sand dumped onto Radish’s face. He shut his eyes and shook his head, trying to avoid it. As he lifted his face out of the pile, he saw the last three seconds falling at him. It hit his cheek and rolled down to join the rest.
Radish’s time was up.
The crowd fell silent. Radish dropped his head to the ground. The hourglass, signs, and equipment vanished, leaving Radish naked on the ground. As her braces and pads disappeared, Celestia spread her wings and magicked open the doors and windows. A cold wind blew over the audience. She looked down at Radish.
“See you tomorrow, lieutenant. Bring a sponge.”
She looked up at the viewers. They were staring, motionless.
“The rest of you, get back to work!”
The palace staff snapped out of it and scurried away. The tourists scattered. Celestia made eye contact with Twilight, then teleported away, wordlessly. Luna turned and walked off. Shining Armor, Barrel Roller, and Saguaro Shade left their window, talking amongst themselves. Twilight looked at her friends.
“Should we, uh…?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Yeah,” said Twilight.
The seven entered the courtyard. Radish hadn’t moved. As they approached him, he rolled over on his side away from them, hiding his cutie mark under his tail.
“Uh, good match, Radish,” said Rainbow Dash.
“You almost had her,” added Spike, encouragingly.
“Yeah. Mighty fine moves, there,” said Applejack.
“Truly an all-star exhibition,” assured Rarity.
“Good use of citrus,” said Pinkie Pie.
“And thanks for keeping your language clean,” said Fluttershy.
Twilight stepped closer to him. She cleared her throat.
“Radish Root. You fought with strength, cleverness, and valor, exemplifying the true spirit of competition. Thus, I bestow upon you this favor.”
She bent down to kiss him.
“Keep it,” he muttered.
“What?”
“Just… keep it. I don’t want it.”
Twilight backed away, saddened. She turned and left. The others followed her.
The Only Mark That Matters
“Well, what did you think was going to happen?” Light Fantastic chuckled as she applied antiseptic to Radish’s cuts in her living room. “She’s an immortal alicorn princess. If she took ten steps a day, she’d have more exercise than you’ve had in a lifetime.”
“I’ve taken more than ten thousand steps, Fan.”
“You sure? You can borrow my fit-bat. She’ll count them for you.”
“I was just trying to get something nice for you on Hearts and Hooves.”
“You know I don’t care about that kind of girly spa stuff.”
“Every mare should get treated like a princess sometime.”
“Well, now that means being bashed to the ground and dragged through thorns. How do you come up with that stuff?”
“A chupacabra cornered me in a ravine one time. It only gave up on me because I was hiding in some briars. Still a lot less scary than Celestia.”
“It’s okay, we can do Hearts and Hooves the day after. The candy will be marked down, anyway.”
“Belated discount candy. What a boyfriend I am.”
She pulled up his foreleg and examined his bruises. “You should have had these looked at in the palace infirmary.”
“I couldn’t. Celestia was in there. For a long time.”
“You put Celestia in the hospital? I’ve got to do something with that.”
She added a note to a large, messy notebook on her desk. Her doorbell rang.
“You expecting anyone?” Radish asked.
Light trotted up to her door and put her eye to the peephole. She turned to Radish. “Honey, I think it’s for you.”
She opened the door. Princess Celestia was there. Her left eye was bruised and her coat was still stained with brown and orange splotches. Radish’s heart stopped.
“Good evening, Miss Fantastic. I am Princess Celestia.”
“No shit.”
Celestia’s eyes widened, then twitched in pain. “May I have a word with you and Radish?”
“Come in, ma’am,” said Radish. He crawled off the stool and kneeled. “I beg your forgiveness.”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I, however, have spent the day apologizing- to the Wagoners, to the Plains Rangers Admiralty, to Luna, to the palace staff, to the girls… all much easier than this. I’ve been thinking all day of how to apologize to you. I can only tell you that I’ve never been so disgusted with myself.”
She kneeled on the floor. “Please. I beg your forgiveness.”
Radish approached her. “It was an official match. We both agreed to take whatever knocks the other dished out.”
“I initiated the match in anger. I still have issues over my failures at the wedding. I should have explained that rationally, instead of bullying you into a fight.”
“I accepted your challenge of my own free will.”
“But the things I said…”
“I said things, too. It was just bluster. Normal part of competition.”
“We both know that’s not true. We meant every word we said.”
“Well, I was unfair about a lot of it.”
“And I was thoroughly cruel.” She bowed her head. “I am sorry, Radish. I don’t deserve you as my guard, but I beg you to stay, if only for Luna’s sake.”
Radish held out a hoof. “I accept your apology. Please, just get off the floor.”
“Thank you, Radish.” She let him help her up, then she held out a small gold envelope. “Here. Two all-day passes to the royal spa, as promised.”
“Ma’am, you won the match fair and square.”
“Actually, I did not. Do you remember when I dumped the hourglass onto you?”
“She did what?” asked Light. “You didn’t mention that part.”
“As Twilight was quick to remind me,” said Celestia, “one of the rules is that a participant forfeits if they-”
“-interfere with the official timekeeping device,” Radish said with her.
“You knew?”
“I didn’t want to win on a technicality.”
“You did, just the same. Thus, I’ve arranged a whole day for you two, if you’ll accept it.”
“Yeah, we will!” cheered Light as she grabbed the envelope. “You won, Rad! My boyfriend, the princess-slayer! I’ve got to do something with that!”
She added to her notebook. Princess Celestia looked over her shoulder and saw what she was working on. Light was sketching a mock wrestling poster advertising Celestia’s and Radish’s bout. It showed them squaring off against each other in dramatic, fearsome poses. She had given Radish a wrestler nickname: “Nightmare Root”. She had scrawled and scratched out several wrestler names for Celestia: Solar Flare, The Sunisher, Dawncracker, and more.
“You work quickly,” Celestia said.
“I’m going to sell these posters in my shop. I’ve heard photos of your match are already making a killing.”
“Light!” hissed Radish.
“I deserve every bit of that humiliation,” said Celestia, ruefully.
“Nah, princess,” said Light. “The ones selling the best are the ones of you looking badass- bruised, disheveled, but fierce . The public loves that its princess can take a physical beating and still keep coming. You looked wild, like a force of nature! Trust me, if ol’ Chrysalis saw photos of you like that, she’d wet her exoskeleton and run back to the badlands.”
Celestia looked at the sketch again.
“Let me know when these are ready for sale. I would like one.”
“You bet.”
“But these nicknames for me…”
“Yeah?”
“Anything but Daybreaker, if you please. That name is a sore spot for me.”
“I didn’t like it anyway. How about, ‘Princess Pain’?”
“That’s what Luna used to call me. It will do quite nicely.”
A timer in the kitchen went off.
“Oh good,” said Light. “Go ahead and grab yourself a plate, princess.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Dinner’s ready.”
“You want me to stay for dinner? I don’t wish to impose.”
“You choked out my boyfriend in your garden. How much more imposing can you get? Rad, get some wine.”
Celestia walked to the table to find that Radish had pulled out her seat for her.
“Oh. Thank you, Radish.”
She sat down. Radish poured her wine, and she took a sip.
“This is Hinterland Riesling!” she gasped.
“You like it?” Light asked.
“I drank it all the time when we were establishing the Hinterland villages.”
“Wow, that was a long time ago, huh?”
“Honey,” said Radish, annoyed.
“I’m not ashamed of my age,” said Celestia. “Yes, I’ve seen a lot of fine vintages come and go. The royal sommeliers don’t like Hinter vinters. They say it’s too pastoral for royalty.”
“‘Hinter vinters’,” laughed Light. “I like that. I say, screw those rules. Who even comes up with them?”
Celestia drank her glass. She smiled as the notes danced across her tongue.
“Indeed. They predate even me. Why should we live by the prejudices of long-dead ponies? May I have- thank you, Rad.”
She drank from the newly-filled glass.
“Hey, you called him ‘Rad’,” Light pointed out.
“Uh, heh,” laughed Radish, nervously.
“I suppose I did. We are off the clock, after all.” She took another sip and leaned back in her chair. “And Radish and I have always had a rather… informal relationship.”
“So I’ve heard,” Light said with a snort. She served dinner- stuffed peppers with refried beans. Celestia took a bite.
“You’re quite a chef,” she said. “This is fabulous.”
“Oh, come on. You don’t have to do that,” said Light, rolling her eyes.
“Well, then, could you pass the salt?”
“Sure.”
“Princess, are we really okay?” asked Radish.
“Oh, you two are far from okay,” laughed Light.
“Light, stop,” warned Radish.
“Celestia, seriously. I have to know- what is it with you and Rad?”
“Light!”
Celestia swallowed, then finished her glass again. She looked at the bottle on the table.
“May I?”
“All yours,” said Light, waving a hoof.
She poured herself another drink, swallowed it in one gulp, and put the glass back down.
“The truth is, Radish… I hate your cutie marks.”
He looked down, saddened.
“I have since the beginning. I hate my expression on them. I hate the way it looks like I’ve totally lost my senses. I hate the submissive pose- like I’m surrendering to you. But what I really hate is that, whatever magic forces in the universe are that create cutie marks, whatever cosmic artists there are that draw them… just see me as… that .”
She refilled her glass.
“I have put my blood, sweat, and tears into Equestria for millennia. I never asked for any thanks, I never wanted statues built in my honor, I never wanted my face on stamps. I believed working for the greater good of ponykind was its own reward.
“But then one day I’m faced with that . The universe had slapped a mocking image of me on some boy, ruining his life and reducing mine to parody. Is that how this universe doles out its rewards? Is that really the thanks I get?
“Radish, I know it’s not your fault, and that’s part of the problem. You’re the medium by which the world has chosen to insult me. Every time you walk by, every time you salute, every time you achieve success in my name, it’s just another reminder of that insult.”
She drank more.
“Celestia,” started Light, “why not see it as a compliment? I think it’s hot.”
“Light, would you just zip it?” snapped Celestia. Light gasped in joy to see her princess like this.
“You know, you two really are the perfect pair. You ,” she said, pointing to Radish, “are way too reverent to me. And you ,” she said, pointing to Light, “are too irreverent. You just make jokes so you don’t have to have any empathy for anyone’s pain. Well, guess what, Light? I feel pain. I’ve felt it every day since I met your boyfriend. He’s like a little piece of sand in my eye that won’t come out.”
Celestia looked at the bottle. She took it and chugged the dregs. Light Fantastic squealed with delight. She sped off and returned with another bottle. Celestia held up her glass, and Light poured it to the brim. Radish shook his head at Light. Light grinned and nodded her head at him.
“You know what’s most galling, Radish?” continued Celestia. “You’re just so nice . Life dealt you a nasty kick to the face right out of the gate, but you just keep galloping forward, like the universe doesn’t hate you. I hate and love that about you.”
“Ah, thank you, ma’am.”
“‘Ah, thank you ma’am .’ You see how he treats me? The fawning obsequity? He says he doesn’t want to fuck me anymore, but you can tell he does.”
Radish gasped. Light held her hooves to her heart and giggled.
“Princess, would it just solve everything if you and Rad just did it tonight?”
“LIGHT!”
“Oh?” asked Celestia.
“You’re here. He’s here. This isn’t going to go away. Would you just like to take him up to the bedroom and go crazy?”
Celestia looked at Radish. Radish held his breath.
“I-”
“Well, too bad!” said Light, putting her hoof around Radish. “He’s mine now. You had your chance.”
Light kissed Radish’s cheek hard. He couldn’t help but smile and snuggle into her. Celestia narrowed her eyes at Light.
“Tell you what,” said Light with a smug grin, “if I die before him, then you can have him.”
“Are you sure of that arrangement?” said Celestia, leaning in close to Light and sneering. “Suppose you don’t live… very… long? ”
Light leaned right into Celestia’s face. “I’ve faced art critics more intimidating than you.”
“I’ve faced cragodiles with better manners. And teeth.”
The two mares stared each other down. Then they both fell back into their chairs, laughing.
“The truth is, Radish,” said Celestia, wiping her eyes, “you’re a wonderful stallion, but you’re just not my type.”
“Oh,” said Radish, frowning.
“I bet I know your type, princess,” said Light.
“Oh? Do tell,” Celestia said.
“Discord, right?”
Celestia made a series of disgusted spitting noises. “Ugh! I’m sick of that rumor. Have you ever even seen Discord?”
“I’ve seen the statue.”
“Oh, he’s much worse in the flesh. He looks like ten different animals had a one-night stand, and then an eleventh came along and threw up on all of them. He’s the throw-up.”
She looked up at the kitchen ceiling.
“You hear that, Discord? You’re the throw-up! And I hate the beard, too! I know he can hear me.”
“Wow,” said Light, laughing. “So what is your type?”
Celestia sat back, looking at her glass. She held it close to her heart, and raised her eyes at them. She cracked a slight smile.
“I like nerds,” she said, gently.
“Really?” asked Light, flapping her wings excitedly. “What kind of nerds?”
“Oh, you know. Reedy. Shy. The kind that was always a friendly, if quiet, fixture of your study group. But one day, he asks you to meet with him alone, and you can actually see him screw up every last ounce of courage he has, just to ask if you’d save him a dance at the upcoming gala. And you agree, simply because you never cared about galas or who you dance with at them.
“The kind of nerd Luna says is beneath you. But the next day, you hear hoofsteps in an out-of-the-way room of the school, and when you investigate, you see him with a pile of instructional books and charts, and you realize he’s teaching himself how to dance, just for you. And for the first time in your life, you actually get excited about a dance.
“So you go, and when he steps forward, the lights dim and the music changes to your favorite piece. Because he’s the kind of nerd who’s always been so kind to others, that they’ve come together to make your dance, and your dance alone, special. They put a spotlight on just the two of you, and they’ve even trained the fireflies in the lanterns to pulse along to the music.
“So you start dancing, and you can’t help but notice just how perfect his movements are. You can scarcely keep up. And as you twirl, you can see that everyone else is staring at you in awe, and even Luna is looking on with envy in her eyes.
“And when the gala is over, he takes you to a part of town you’ve never been, to a stand selling a food you’ve never tried, and the two of you sit in his cart, sharing the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted while staring up at the stars.
"Then you take him to a favorite spot of your own, a secluded grove by the river. And you share the first kiss of your life that ever made you feel really, truly cared for. And then… you discover that there can be more to making love than just simple physical pleasure. There can be a real, tangible happiness formed by two hearts beating as one. And as you hold each other in bliss, he tells you he wishes that moment could last forever.
“That’s when you take a long, hard look at the road ahead, and realize that being a princess means your days and nights will be too full for dancing to fireflies ever again. You’ll have to split your heart evenly amongst millions, and you can’t just give a bigger sliver to one, or you’ll never stop yourself from devoting more and more of yourself to him, until there’s none left for the rest.
“And as you woefully say all that, he says he understands. He doesn’t even try to fight you on it. He’s just glad he had this one perfect night with you.
“Then you realize it’s time to raise the sun. But this time, you don’t want to. You want this night to go on and on for the two of you, the rest of the world be hanged. And by that admission, you realized you’ve lost your argument for yourself. The next day must come for all, no matter how perfect the night was for two.
“So he kisses you, and calls you a nickname that you’ve never been called before, and will never hear again. You raise the sun through your tears. And you fly home, just holding onto all the beauty and pain of that moment, knowing that you will relive it with every sunrise from then on.
“That is the kind of nerd I like. That is the icy void I carry in my heart that no one has ever filled. That is the memory you declared you could compete with, Rad, all those years ago. It’s not your fault, but you are the romantic rival to the happiest and saddest night of my life. I will guard that memory with every beat of my heart, until my heart stops beating.”
Radish and Light held each other and nodded. Celestia stood up, and hugged them both goodbye. She walked out into the night, giving a last wave to the couple.
She took a long, silent walk through the emptiest quarters of Canterlot, stopping in an obscure plaza in an ancient part of town. A small, moss-covered fountain in the center was bubbling out a weak stream of water from its base. She used her magic to pull off the moss, and cleaned the central figure of the fountain to a moonlit shine. She stepped back to admire it.
It was a worn statue of a unicorn. He stood on a pedestal, bowing, extending his hoof in polite invitation to dance. She sat before it and closed her eyes, gently swaying to a song only she could hear. Blocks away, a clock tower chimed midnight. She opened her eyes and smiled.
“Happy Hearts and Hooves Day, my love.”
The Only Mark That Matters
66. Hearts and Hooves Night
Light lay back onto her bed, stretching out and sighing contentedly. Radish stretched out next to her.
“You were right”, she said, “Every mare should be treated to a spa day once in a while. And dinner at Chez Foin was so good . Thanks for the best H n’ H ever.”
“Thanks for my first H n’ H ever,” said Radish.
“Well, it’s not quite over yet.”
“Hmm?”
She reached into her bedside dresser drawer and pulled out a costume Celestia wig. She fixed it on her head. Radish’s eyes widened.
“What do you think?” she asked, leaning forward seductively. “Want to live out your cutie marks at last?”
Radish’s shoulders drooped. “Light, I think my feelings for Celestia have changed. I still care about her, but I don’t have that same… fire… for her anymore.”
Light took off the wig. “Okay, I thought you might say something like that. But I’ve got a backup.”
She reached into the drawer again and came back up wearing a sparkly blue Princess Luna wig. “Forsooth, mine Champion! Unsheathe thine spear for thy Princess of the Night!”
Radish winced. “I… can’t do that either. Luna is… precious to me. It would be like betraying her.”
Light rolled her eyes. “Okay, fine. Final offer.” She pulled out a Princess Cadance wig. “Well?”
Radish shrugged. “I honestly don’t find Cadance all that attractive. She’s kind of lanky.”
“Oh, is that so?” Light put the wig on, lay down onto the bed, and dramatically put her hoof to her forehead. “Lieutenant Root! What are you doing in my royal bedchamber!? If my husband, your prince , caught us together, he’d have you exiled!”
Radish narrowed his eyes. He crawled on top of Light and firmly took hold of her shoulders. “I’m not afraid of him. And I can do things to your royal highness that the prince has never dreamed of .”
“Oh, cruelest of fates! How could I, the Princess of Love, fall for the charms of such a knavish scoundrel? Take me now, in my connubial bed!”
Radish growled. Light giggled, then gasped, then moaned.
Twilight Velvet, Night Light, Shining Armor, and Princess Cadance sat at one end of a long table in Starting Gate’s, a fine dining establishment in Uptown Canterlot. There were eight empty chairs at their table.
“Shiny, dear,” said Twilight Velvet, “are you sure Twilight and her friends know to come here?”
“They’ll be here!” he insisted. “Twilight’s the best at scavenger hunts. And the clues I left her are foolproof!”
Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie stood at the outskirts of Canterlot, examining one of the city’s large gates in its outer wall.
“See anything?” asked Twilight.
“Sorry, Twilight,” said Spike. “There's no clues here.”
“I don’t get it! The last clue scroll we found referenced ‘the gate where it starts’. And this is the first gate ever built in Canterlot. I’m sure the translation from Middle Ponish is accurate. There has to be something here to point us to the next clue.”
“You know, there is a rather nice restaurant Uptown called ‘Starting Gate’s’. Their souffle is divine ,” said Rarity. “Perhaps that’s what it meant?”
“That’s impossible!” said Twilight. “That restaurant can’t be more than thirty years old. These scrolls appear to be from centuries before that.”
“Maybe the clues are just a mean old ancient prank?” suggested Fluttershy.
“Wait, I know!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “It’s wordplay! It’s supposed to be ‘gait’, like walking! And where do you start to walk? A nursery!”
Twilight shook her head. “That pun wouldn’t work in Middle Ponish. But… if you switch out the words with contemporary homophones… you’d get a phrase that roughly translates to ‘field of holes’! That’s it! The next clue must be in the ancient cemetery!”
“Cemetery?” said Rarity. “Oof, this treasure hunt is more befitting Nightmare Night than Hearts and Hooves Day.”
“Oh, right. It’s Hearts and Hooves Day,” said Twilight, slowly. “If any of you had somewhere else you needed to be, we could pick this up some other day.”
Twilight’s friends looked at each other, then shook their heads.
“Get real, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash. “Like some lame-o mushy holiday would be better than exploring a spooky crumbling cemetery for ancient magic!”
The others nodded in agreement, and the friends set off for the cemetery. Spike walked up close to Rarity.
“Don’t be afraid, Rarity. Just stick close to me, and I’ll protect you from any ghoulies, ghosts, or goblins that pop out.”
“My, how brave. Thank you, Spikey-wikey,” Rarity said, patting his head. She then leaned over and whispered into Fluttershy’s ear. “You know, dear, if you indeed had Hearts and Hooves plans with a certain… someone… just take off. I’ll cover for you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” whispered Fluttershy.
Applejack matched pace with Twilight. “You okay, Twi? You’ve been a bit… out of it… today.”
“I’m fine, Applejack. This treasure hunt is helping me take my mind off, well, a lot of things. I’m really happy you’re all here with me.”
“Any time, anywhere, sugar cube.”
“Maybe we should order now?” suggested Night Light.
“Just give them five more minutes!” said Shining Armor.
Cadance counted the chairs at the table. “Shiny, who’s the eighth chair for?”
“Root is supposed to be here, too.”
“Shining Armor! Don’t you think Radish should spend Hearts and Hooves Day with his girlfriend?” admonished Cadance.
“Whoa, Radish has a girlfriend?” asked Night Light. “That’s great! He’s such a nice boy.”
“Now, son, it was sweet of you to invite him,” said Twilight Velvet, “but a couple only gets to have one first Hearts and Hooves Day,”
“But I really would like to see Radish again, and meet his girlfriend, before we move to the Crystal Empire,” said Cadance. “Oh! We could double-date!”
“That’s a great idea! Take our box at the opera!” said Twilight Velvet.
Shining Armor frowned. “Yeah. Great idea.”
Murk the bat pony trotted up to their table, wearing a hairnet and apron. “Hello, Prince Armor!”
“What the-? What are you doing here?” asked Shining Armor.
“Brother Radish will be unable to join you for dinner this evening. Knowing I’d be working here tonight, he asked me to convey his sincerest apologies, his warmest Hearts and Hooves wishes, and his gift for Twilight Sparkle.”
“See , Shiny?” said Cadance pointedly.
“What do you mean, you’re working here tonight?” Shining asked Murk.
“We bat ponies normally devote hours each night to consuming our weight in insects. We discovered we could get paid to do so, by devouring the pests which infest many of Canterlot’s restaurants.”
The four at the table looked uneasy. “Are you saying Starting Gate’s has a bug problem?” asked Night Light.
“Not anymore!” Murk announced proudly. “I have just finished eating them all! Every last flour beetle, grain weevil, and fridge millipede!”
“Son, I’m not so sure about this place,” said Twilight Velvet.
“You said something about a gift for Twilight?” Shining Armor asked through gritted teeth.
“Yes! Brother Radish composed for her a poem, to express his regret at rebuffing her kindness and to elucidate how dearly he values her friendship.”
Murk placed a thick cardstock paper on the table. Neatly written on it was a poem entitled, “To a True, True Friend”. The four gathered around it to read it. Cadance gasped. Night Light’s eyes got misty. Twilight Velvet leaned against her husband, holding her hooves to her heart.
“Oh my, what a beautiful sentiment,” said Twilight Velvet.
“Our baby girl is lucky to have a friend like that,” agreed Night Light. “What a standup guy.”
“That’s… that’s the sweetest thing from a stallion I’ve ever read,” said Cadance, wiping her eyes. “We’ve just got to see him again.”
Shining Armor stared blankly. “Uh huh.”
“Hey! You!” bellowed a furious voice. A heavyset blue pegasus stallion stomped up to their table. “You owe me ten million bits!”
Shining scowled. “I told you, I wasn’t being serious!”
The pegasus pointed at Shining. “Can you believe this guy!? I bet ten bits on Radish Root, and it turns out he actually won! But Mr. Bigshot Prince here won’t pay out!”
“Would you get out of here!? ” Shining hissed. “I am having dinner with my family!”
“Shiny?” asked Cadance, “What’s he talking about?”
Radish and Light held each other, panting.
“Ooh, Lieutenant Root, you’ve positively scandalized me,” said Light. “My servants must have surely heard our cries of passion.”
“Who do you think let me into your royal bedchamber?” asked Radish, deviously.
“Mmm, remind me to thank them.” She snuggled into Radish. “Now it’s been the best H n’ H ever.”
“I wasn’t too rough?”
“No, babe, you were perfect.”
“Do you think this has been my special talent all along?”
“Could be. I’d need a lot more data before making any conclusions, though.”
“Well… would you like to try…”
He whispered into her ear. She groaned. “You’ve been talking to Bold Roast, I take it?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m not into that.”
“Okay.”
“Wait, do you think that’s what Little Radish is doing to Little Celestia?”
“Maybe?”
Light lifted her head and stared at Radish’s mark. “Huh. Yeah, maybe. Well… all right. We can try it.”
“Really?”
“Next Hearts and Hooves Day.”
“You promise you’ll still be with me a year from now?”
She kissed him. “Quit acting surprised I like you. You're the best. Even if you have weird, complicated relationships with princesses.”
Princess Celestia sat on a bench by the castle lake, watching the moonlight ripple across the surface. Frogs at the water’s edge were singing slowly and steadily. Princess Cadance walked up to her.
“Hi, Aunt Celestia.”
“Cadance? You should be with your husband on Hearts and Hooves Day.”
“My dear husband is in the doghouse. He neglected to tell me about what happened between you and Radish. He also neglected to check the restaurant’s health inspection record.” She sat down and hugged her aunt. “How are you?”
Celestia nuzzled her. “I’m tired. And a little hungover.”
“Celestia, I think it’s time you finally let me help you with your love life. At least let me feel into your heart.”
“You don’t want to go in there. It’s a cold, sorrowful citadel.”
“No, it’s a dam. And it’s been holding back a reservoir of love for far too long. Please- let me try. I may be able to find the answers you’ve been looking for.”
Celestia kissed Cadance’s forehead. “Not tonight. You need to go make peace with Shining Armor. Cherish every moment with him that you can. Don’t make my mistakes.”
Cadance sighed, resignedly. “All right. But you know I’ll always be ready to help you.”
“I know. Thank you, dear.”
Harold found himself alone in a quiet clearing in a dark forest, lit only by luminescent mushrooms and soft starlight filtering through the canopy. He stood at the head of a barely-noticeable trail leading deeper into the woods, where light didn’t follow. He gathered up his courage, then stepped forward. He felt a hoof on his shoulder.
He turned to see Princess Luna at his side. “Stop. Only danger lies that way.”
“Princess Luna, the last time I explored the deep understory of the dreamlands, I discovered Chrysalis planning her invasion. Who knows what other threats I can uncover lurking down that path?”
“You barely escaped that path with your life. As did I.”
“My self-inflicted mutation has given me greater awareness and control in my dreams. I have been training this power every night. I am willing to take on the risk. I believe this is the best use of my talent.”
“There is a reason that even I, the Princess of the Night, rarely venture that way. There are things lurking in the deep dreamlands worse than changelings- things best left slumbering. Rather than gathering information about our enemies, you may alert unknown horrors to Equestria’s existence.”
Harold took a fearful step back. “Very well. Thank you for coming to stop me. I am sorry for having taken up your time.”
Luna shook her head. “I was not eager to begin tonight’s dream patrolling, anyway. It is Hearts and Hooves Day, and the night that follows this holiday is always full of nightmares about loneliness. I am… unskilled at helping ponies with affairs of the heart.”
“Do you help these ponies individually, or in groups?”
“Individually, of course. I never cross-contaminate nightmares.”
“But if the nightmares are of loneliness…”
Luna’s ears pricked up. “...then these ponies don’t need me, they need each other! I could arrange a dream mixer for every lonely heart in Equestria! Ooh- perhaps a masquerade ball, like in the old days!”
“That sounds fun,” said Harold. “I am sure they will enjoy it.”
Luna took hold of Harold’s hoof. A flash of blue light flowed over their bodies, and they were suddenly in elegant ball attire. Harold looked down at his new tuxedo in surprise.
“Come!” said Luna. “Even at the speed of dreaming, we will have precious little time to prepare the festivities and gather the guests.”
“You wish me to help?”
“I believe this is the best use of your talent.”
Maxilla, Scion of the Hive and Supreme of the Warrior Caste, shuddered awake in the dark. She was on a hard flat surface. She was chained down. There was something heavy clamped onto her horn.
“...what…?”
“Ah, welcome back to consciousness, dear,” said a stallion’s voice. She looked for its source and only saw the shadowed outline of a large unicorn in the corner.
“...starving…” she coughed.
“Yes, you feed on love, don’t you?” he asked, dispassionately. “Poor girl, you landed face-first in Kludgetown- there’s not a place on earth more devoid of love! You were so cold and stiff, the merchant who found you thought you were dead. He was going to butcher you for parts, but I knew that insects can enter deep states of hibernation to survive unfavorable conditions.”
“You… saved me?”
“I purchased you. For a sizable sum.”
“Who… are you?”
“Why, I’m your date for tonight- I’ve brought you to Canterlot for Hearts and Hooves Day! I suspected that all the love in the air might revive you. And so it has. Eat up. You’ll need your strength.”
“What do you want from me?”
“I need your help, dear. This nation is living in fear of changelings now. It’s a distraction from the real issues. We need information on your species to develop effective countermeasures. I have to know everything about you- mind, body, and magic. As well as every detail about your people’s history and culture- sources of pride and shame, everything that drives you, offends you, and terrifies you.”
“I will never help you.”
He stepped forward, his glowing horn illuminating his gray mane. “Never say never.”
Twilight Sparkle cast a scanning spell across the backmost corner of Canterlot’s oldest cemetery. She detected nothing out of the ordinary. She clicked her tongue.
“Well, girls,” said Twilight, turning to her friends, “This was the last quadrant. I think it’s time to call it. We’re not going to find that ancient magic tonight. But we did rediscover the lost tomb of Thorny Thicket, one of my favorite authors of the Dark Neoclassical Movement! So, not a total loss.”
“Are you kidding? This was the best day ever!” said Pinkie Pie. “Who knew so many old tombstones had dirty limericks on them?”
“And rediscovering a lost tomb was like, the number one thing on my bucket list,” said Rainbow Dash.
“And I finally got to meet a barghest!” said Fluttershy. “He was such a good boy.”
“Anypony wanna get some food?” asked Spike. “We missed dinner, after all.”
“Ooh, I can recommend a nice little late-night spot downtown,” said Rarity. “It made Trenderhoof’s ‘In Right Now’ list.”
“I’d like to get some grub in me right now,” said Applejack. “Lead the way!”
They seven friends left the cemetery behind. Spike walked alongside Twilight.
“You know, for a minute there,” said Spike, “this was reminding me of those scavenger hunts Shining used to set up for us. Remember?”
“I remember. We always had a lot of fun figuring those out. And the prizes were alway pretty good, too.”
“I’m sure someday we’ll uncover the prize at the end of this one, too, Twilight.”
“I wonder- maybe whoever left these clues was really trying to teach the lesson that the real magic is a fun day spent with good friends.”
Spike scoffed. “I sure hope not. We already knew that.”
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The Only Mark That Matters
67. The Currency of the Plains, Part 1: Interloper
“ROOT!”
Radish had heard his name shouted out on a routine basis since he joined the Guard, but he didn’t recognize the voice this time. He looked skyward to see a pegasus in the olive uniform of the Royal Pigeon Post. He didn’t seem happy.
“Yes?”
“A letter showed up for you today in the pigeon tower.”
“Oh, thanks.”
“It showed up on this .”
The postpony pulled his foreleg out from behind his back. A Prairie Falcon was clamped onto it. Its feathers were painted in tribal markings. Its talons dug into his flesh.
“Whoa, Windwright? Is that you?” asked Radish. It nodded.
“This falcon flushed every last pigeon from the tower. We’re still calming them down. The next time somepony wants to send you a letter, tell them raptors are banned from our facilities!”
“Sorry. I’ll take her.”
“And release her outside of palace grounds.”
“Did you feed her?”
“And what would you have us feed her? Pigeons?”
“Never mind.”
Radish held out a hoof, and the falcon leapt to his head and clamped on it. He winced.
“Not so fun, is it?”
Radish took Windwright to his bunk. She kept stuck to his head while he opened the letter from the pouch strapped to her chest. He thought he was having vision problems, but then realized the letter was written in the Black Bluff language. Sky had something to tell him, she needed to get it to him fast, and she didn’t want anyone else reading it. Radish struggled to translate some of the nouns, until he realized she was writing a few of them phonetically for his benefit.
Dear Radish,
Hi. I’m glad you’ve found someone. She sounds nice. I hope she deserves you.
But I’m writing for something serious. There’s a problem at the Storm Centurion dig site. During the night of the 7 th , our crates of artifacts were broken open and rifled through. Nothing was stolen, but it’s a mess. Every skeleton was disturbed, and our file boxes were turned over and searched. Dirt was thrown aside haphazardly, as if someone was trying to dig for themselves.
Radish, it was a pony. A unicorn. Focus Beam (that’s the new Ranger) found magic aura residue everywhere. This wasn’t a common thief. They were looking for something specific. We don’t know what.
There’s more. Sometimes at dusk we see silhouettes on the hilltops. Every time we approach, they run off, leaving no trace. Focus Beam keeps cans on tripwires around her camp, and a couple of nights ago, they were tripped. She didn’t see who was there. Someone is casing us.
We’re pausing and guarding the dig, and now we’ve got nightly patrols going. Focus Beam is searching the countryside like mad.
Remember what I said about ponies getting upset at the history we’re uncovering here? I figured that wouldn’t be a problem until after we’ve published, not during the dig.
Radish, did you tell anypony? I know I never said not to, and I don’t blame you if you did- I shouldn’t have voiced our suspicions prematurely, and I’m sure it felt great to throw the Wagoners’ dark history in Worthy’s dumb face. But the tribe is scared, Focus Beam is scared, and Hoopla is scared.
Radish, if the Wagoners are messing with the dig, nopony’s in a better position to investigate than you. You practically live in the same neighborhood, right?
I know you’ve taken a lot of oaths in your time, and I know your latest is to Miss Skinny, but I hope the oath you made to me under the Water-bearer still means something.
Chief Shortshadow is watching me write this. He wants me to add that thing he always says.
“Respect is the currency of the plains.” Sometimes it’s the only thing a buffalo, or a pony, has to trade on. I know mine for you isn’t misplaced. Please get to the bottom of this.
Love,
Skies Above
Radish looked up at Windwright.
“I’m sorry. I let something slip out, but wasn’t anything that could have caused trouble. Worthy Wagoner must have had suspicions before that. I guess I just… confirmed them.”
Windwright cocked her head.
“I would never do anything to hurt the tribe. Or the Rangers. Or a dig site. Or Sky!”
She fluttered her wings.
“I’ll make it right. I swear.”
She tapped her pouch with her beak.
“Yeah, I’ll write to her now.”
She blinked her nictitating membranes and stretched out her talons.
“Then we’ll find you something to eat.”
She relaxed and hopped on his shoulder.
“Then all I have to do is investigate the wealthiest pony in town over something I can’t prove and don’t understand.”
She nuzzled his neck.
“Thanks, Windwright. Was Sky really mad?”
Windwright made a “so-so” gesture with her wing.
The Wagoner family was old money, old magic, old military, and old every other form of establishment in Equestria. Willow Wagoner had been but one small twig of a sprawling tree which had branches all over Equestria and roots deep into the Tribal Era of all three pony tribes. So many of Uptown’s buildings had the Wagoner name on them, that trying to talk about a specific one usually led to confusion. They dug (or, had their workers dig) the waterfall reservoirs into the mountain Canterlot was built upon.
It was always more of a declaration than an act of goodwill, thought Radish. They’re letting the city know who really keeps it alive.
Okay, what do I know? The tribe suspects Willow ambushed and killed her own unit six hundred years ago. The Wagoners must want that to stay buried. Did they know this whole time? Why did she do that in the first place?
How far would they go to cover it up? Hurt the buffalo? Ruin a dig? They didn’t destroy evidence, just tossed it. What were they looking for?
I can’t just walk up to Worthy and confront him. Okay, I need evidence. But any evidence would be locked up in his mansion, which is so deep Uptown that the trash cans are diamond-studded.
I need allies here. The girls? Twilight has incredible magic ability. Rarity has high society connections. Fluttershy can read lips. Pinkie Pie… does those things she’s always doing. Maybe this is in their wheelhouse?
No. Their job is to stop monsters and supervillains. If I involve them in this, they could really get hurt.
Could I ask some of the guards here for help? No, I can’t let them get hurt, either.
The princesses? Yeah, right.
Folks like Worthy always have enemies. Another family in a rivalry with them? Could I exploit that?
Radish looked down at Sky’s letter again. It was starting to get blurry.
What I need is someone who’s good at snooping. Someone fearless. Tenacious. And preferably someone who owes me a favor.
The palace’s press office was abuzz with activity. Radish stepped inside, dodging clerks pushing carts full of files. He found Gazeta at her desk in the bullpen, typing with one hoof and sipping coffee with the other.
“Oh, hey, it’s the heavyweight champion himself,” she said.
“Hi, Gaz. I need some information.”
“I’m busy. Ever since your little cage match, the press corps has had our hooves full- issuing statement after statement, fielding question after question. I’ve typed ‘no comment’ so many times, it doesn’t look like a real phrase anymore. Basically, you choke-slammed our schedule and put my free time in a full nelson.”
“Well, overtime pay is nice, right?”
“Just tell me what you want.”
“Everything you have on the Wagoner family.”
“No comment.”
“I think they’re up to something shady. I need your help to bust this case wide open.”
“We’re already on thin ice with that family. The last thing you should do on thin ice is poke at a hornets’ nest.”
“Hornets’ nests actually aren’t dangerous in the winter.”
“What a great factoid. You should’ve been a reporter, too.”
“What happened to that intrepid newshound who would stalk back alleys just for a chance at a scoop?”
“Don’t play that card with me. I’ve paid my dues. And now I’m paying condo fees.”
“How about paying me back for getting you this job?”
“I am doing you a favor. The Wagoners make the Warmbloods look like kittens. They’ve got ponies everywhere. You don’t want to go and make yourself their target.”
Radish put a hoof to his chin. “Make myself their target, you say?”
Radish visited the Canterlot public library. He asked the librarian for all she had on the Wagoners.
“Oh! I love talking about them! They’ve done so much for the town. The special collections room is named after them.”
“Do they come in here often?”
“Oh, never. If they want a book, they don’t borrow, they buy it. I bet their personal library dwarfs this one.”
“What if they need a super-rare book that only this place has?”
“They’d buy that too,” she said with a wink.
Radish took the latest society magazines and read over them as publicly as he could. He dug through the family’s history in the room named after them.
Teasing out details of the relationships of Canterlot’s high society families seemed daunting, until Radish realized he should be looking for what wasn’t being recorded. The most important movers and shakers tended to surround themselves with a set stable of associates, with little crossover between social circles. Radish realized that an entourage was basically a street gang from nicer streets.
For important public events where one must absolutely be seen , all these circles were begrudgingly brought together. Photos of these events showed the groups they arrived and left with. More disreputable shutterbugs caught candid scenes from parties at winter homes and beach houses. Patterns emerged. There really were rivalries.
Rarity has long claimed that her friend and client Fancy Pants (who was apparently at Twilight’s birthday party, not that Radish would recognize him) was the most important pony in town. Radish realized that by voicing this opinion, she had taken a side.
Fancy Pants was the hub of a coterie of important ponies, none of which seemed to interact with Worthy Wagoner’s own coterie. And while the Wagoners made their empire out of utilities and necessities- shipping, logistics, construction- the Pantses focused on luxuries- personal zeppelins, designer clothes, cosmetics, and interior design. If Radish didn’t know better, he’d assume the Wagoners were a better sort of pony than the Pantses.
Are they? Am I investigating an innocent family? Is anyone in Canterlot involved with what’s going on at the dig at all?
He took down a binder’s worth of notes, then left the library, thanking the librarian and telling her he had found all he needed.
Okay, that’s step one.
He visited the city’s largest newspaper office next. He asked to see the editor of the high society section, and was turned away. He made sure to leave his name anyway.
Step two, maybe?
He went to the museum where Willow Wagoner’s bones were still on display. The museum had added a matte backdrop, depicting dragons fleeing before her. Neither Radish’s name nor any mention of the Black Bluffs were anywhere on the display. A docent approached him.
“Admiring Willow? She was amazing.”
“Tell me, how did she get put in charge of the Centurions?”
“It’s an incredible story. A dark wizard was training dragons to attack Canterlot. She created a nor’easter and blasted them off the continent.”
“Wow. Sounds like she didn’t even need a team at all.”
“Oh, she was going to train the rest of the Storm Centurions to be just as great as her.”
“Then what happened? Why did they all die in a cave?”
“An army of bandits had enslaved a local bison tribe and forced them to dig up an ancient monster that was imprisoned under a mountain. The Centurions collapsed the cave, destroying the monster but sacrificing themselves.”
“Oh?”
“The bison revered the Centurions so much, they kept it a secret for six hundred years. They’re a superstitious people, you see.”
“I see. I didn’t know any of that. Are the rest of the Centurions going to be displayed here?”
“Yes, but work at the dig site is slow. There’s a dragon nearby. The Plains Rangers believe it’s paying respects to Willow, too.”
“That’s interesting. The Wagoners must have been so happy to find her again.”
“Oh, you bet. They brought her here packed in silk cushions. I can’t wait for the full team to be reunited here.”
“Do the rest of the Centurions have any living relatives?”
“No, we’ve looked diligently for any descendants. The Centurions only live on in the Wagoners.”
“Thank you. I can’t wait for everyone to hear their story.”
Radish left the museum. He visited the neighboring park and sat on a bench. He could see Uptown’s mansion row from his seat. The Wagoner estate, however, was too fancy to be part of any row- it was further back out of sight.
I’ve made my intentions known. Let’s see how they respond.
Radish lay in his bunk reading an old newspaper’s society page. It had photos of a wedding conducted on the Wagoner estate. Radish tried to fit the images into the mental map he was making of the estate grounds.
There was a burst of light to his side. He squinted and looked. It wasn’t a dragon fire scroll. A glowing message in jagged red capital letters hung in the air.
DROP IT, BOY.
It dissipated into nothing. Radish looked around, but no one else had been there to see it.
Okay, that’s how they respond.
Then, something else appeared in the air. It was an image of a prism splitting light. It was Light Fantastic’s cutie mark. It vanished as well.
It was a threat.
Oh, shit.
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68. The Currency of the Plains, Part 2: Intervention
Princess Celestia spent many of her working hours in her office, applying the stamps, seals, and signatures which kept the kingdom running. Day-to-day operations were supported by numerous assistants. One such assistant knocked on her door.
“Enter,” said Celestia, in the middle of reviewing a new report from the health bureau.
A white bespectacled unicorn mare poked her head in. “Pardon me, ma’am.”
“How can I help you, Raven?”
“Lieutenant Root is here, ma’am. He doesn’t have an appointment, but he said, and I quote, ‘Tell her I screwed up real bad.’”
Celestia leaned forward. “On a scale from one to ten-”
“He was conducting an off-the-books investigation into the Wagoners for possible crimes against an allied buffalo nation, relating to a coverup of the family’s dark history. This has led to a threat being issued against his girlfriend.”
Celestia put the report aside. “Send him in. And send for more coffee.”
“...and then it vanished. I’m sure it was intended as a threat,” Radish said. He sat nervously hunched in the chair before Celestia’s desk.
Celestia leaned back, crossing her hooves and scowling. “That’s advanced magic. A spell like that would require knowing your precise location and remotely manipulating a wide spectrum.”
“Then, that show of power was another part of the threat.”
“Yes. Not to mention, it’s illegal to air-burn a message into the palace like that. They’ve grown bold, indeed.” She gave an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Radish. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have said anything during our… bout.”
Radish shook his head. “The tribe was always going to publish what they uncovered at the dig. I just didn’t think anyone would be put in serious danger over it. Please, ma'am, help me protect Light and my buffalo friends.”
“Of course, Radish. I’ll do everything I can.”
“Could you tell me about the Storm Centurions? The real story?”
Celestia stood up and walked over to a bookshelf. She brought down an old register of Guard reports and floated it to Radish’s hooves. “About six hundred years ago, the griffons unified and grew strong under a new king. Ponies grew fearful of that strength. Influential voices called for increasing Equestria’s military might, and one of the first initiatives they asked for was the creation of elite squads -Centurions- to patrol the less populated provinces.”
She leaned against her desk and sighed. “I would later learn that this was a scheme. Those influential ponies had made backroom deals with officers to maneuver family members into the squads, believing it’d be an easy way to bring glory to their families’ names. Soon the Centurion ranks swelled with undeserving, underqualified ponies.”
“All this happened, uh, under your watch?”
She hung her head. “Radish, by that point I had been ruling alone for four hundred years. I was weary. Inattentive. Practically on autopilot. My officers told me everything was fine, and I didn’t question it.”
“And that’s how the Storm Centurions ended up being the worst squad in Equestria?”
Celestia nodded. “The palace received vague reports of bandit activity in the Southern Plains. Willow was inexperienced, but she insisted her squad could handle it. Thus, I sent them to investigate.”
“And they were never seen alive again?”
“Yes. That snapped me out of my weariness. I overhauled Royal Guard standards, and have kept a close eye on the ranks to this day.”
“Why do you think the Storm Centurions turned on each other?”
“Perhaps Worthy Wagoner knows the answer to that. I’ll just have to ask him.”
“You want to confront him directly?”
She walked over to her window and looked out at Canterlot. She gave a slight smirk. “Well, I suppose you wouldn't know this, but it’s an open secret in Canterlot high society that Worthy has been lusting after me for years. I will simply find him, bat my eyelashes, and see what spills out of him.”
Radish stammered. “Ma’am! I won’t let you do that!”
“Oh, you won’t?”
“I mean, this investigation is beneath the dignity of your attention, your highness. Please allow your humble guard to see it through,” Radish said with a courteous bow.
“I think not. I want you to investigate the dig site. An on-the-books operation.”
“Aye, ma’am.”
“And bring the girls with you. Spike, too.”
“Princess, this mission could be dangerous.”
“I know you’ll keep them safe. And I believe their talents will come in handy.”
“All right.”
“I’m assigning you the role of Mission Leader on this- every call to make will be yours alone.”
“Then, I want the girls to bring their Elements of Harmony with them.”
“No.”
“Can we at least travel first class?”
“...okay.”
Radish watched Light Fantastic arrange the shelves of her store.
“Honey? Are you okay with this?” he asked.
“With what? Angering the most powerful ponies in Canterlot? Putting me in their crosshairs and then skipping town?”
“I won’t be leaving you unprotected- I’ve arranged to let you stay in the palace until this is over.”
“I’m not doing that. Midtowners don’t run and hide from the likes of the Wagoners.”
“Celestia thought you’d say something like that. She said the alternative is to have the Watch keep an eye on you, and have her high-society friends run interference for you from Uptown.”
“Great. Who doesn’t want cops and rich elites watching their every move?”
“Fanny… I’m really sorry about this.”
She walked up to Radish and hugged him. “I’m not mad at you. You always go overboard for the ladies in your life, and your ex is in danger. Of course you’d rush to be her hero.”
“Sky’s not my ex, Fan. We never were more than friends. But if you’d like to meet her, you could come along.”
“On a royal mission?”
“I’m Mission Leader, after all. Besides, Twilight plays loose with mission protocol all the time. She’s basically allowed all the leeway she wants if she justifies it as a friendship thing.”
“That’s kind of terrifying to hear.”
“I could protect you, show you around my old stomping grounds, and introduce you to everyone.”
“Rad, I have work to do. And you know I’m not a wild plains kind of pony. I’d probably get bit by every kind of snake out there."
“Okay.”
“But invite Sky to come up here sometime. I’d like to meet the girl you thought was too good for you.”
“Stay safe, Fan. I’ll be back as soon as I can.”
They kissed each other goodbye.
Radish watched as royal porters carted his mission supplies onto the train. He felt a little proud that they were moving the gear he had specifically selected for this mission, and a little guilty that he wasn’t helping them.
He rechecked his own saddle bags. In one, he had shackles, wing braces, and a magic-inhibiting horn ring- the standard kit in case one needed to arrest an earth pony, pegasus, or unicorn. He had been relieved that the quartermaster approved the ring- the metal it was made from, anticornium, was strictly-controlled, and required a full set of forms to sign for its release.
His other bag was full of desert trekking gear. The Black Bluffs didn’t allow weapons onto their land, so Radish would have to improvise if he needed one.
“Radish!” he heard Twilight call. She galloped up to him and hugged him. “Princess Celestia told us everything. You should have asked for our help from the beginning!”
“I didn’t want to put you in danger, Twi.”
“Radish, we do have a bit of a track record dealing with villains, you know.”
“Discord only had chaos magic. Chrysalis only had an army. The Wagoners have money.”
“But we’ve got friendship,” Twilight proclaimed proudly.
Radish took a step back to look at what Twilight was wearing. She had come dressed in a rather mismatched and outdated desert expeditionary ensemble, complete with pith helmet.
“Nice outfit, Twilight.”
“Is that sarcasm? The Royal Quartermaster said drill khakis are the way to go in the Southern Plains, but Rarity insisted that linen breathes easier. What was your old Ranger uniform made of?”
“A hemp/bamboo blend.”
“I’ve never even heard of hemp.”
“It’s great. How are you feeling about this mission?”
“Nervous. The last time we met a bison tribe, we really got off on the wrong hoof. I’m hoping this goes well.”
“It’s ‘buffalo’, Twilight. Only a few northern tribes call themselves ‘bison’.”
“Really? Savannah Safari’s Guide to Extraponical Societies-”
“Is three hundred years old.”
“I read the updated edition.”
“That’s two hundred years old. And buffalo don’t think of themselves as extraponical, they think of ponies as extrabuffical.”
“Oh… I see. Maybe you can start the conversation, then?”
“Okay.”
The rest of the girls and Spike joined them.
“Radish! My man!” Spike said, throwing his arms wide.
“Howdy, Spike!”
Radish met Spike’s fist midair with a hoof. Spike held a claw to the side of his mouth and whispered, “Nice to be on a mission with another guy, for once. And out on the Southern Plains! A real guy kind of place, right?”
“You bet, Spike. I can’t wait to show you around.”
Fluttershy trotted close and patted Spike on the head.
“Are you sure Spike should come? I thought you said stray dragons don’t like babies.”
“I’m hardly a baby anymore, Fluttershy,” Spike said, throwing off her hoof.
“Besides, we’re not going to talk to the dragon there,” said Radish. “It’s fine sleeping where it is.”
“Radish,” said Fluttershy, “I’m really sorry about all this. I should have just kept my mouth shut during your match with Celestia.”
“No, I should have kept mine shut. But are you okay? Nopony’s tried to harass you lately?”
“I’m not sure. The bear family I’m taking care of chased someone off the other day, but I didn’t see who it was.”
“I wish I could leave a bear family with Light.”
Applejack walked up. “Radish, I’d like to introduce you to the ninth member of this team.”
“Ninth?”
A brown and white collie leapt over Applejack’s head and tackled Radish to the ground, licking his face excitedly.
“This here’s Winona. She seems pleased as punch to make your acquaintance!”
“Hi, Winona,” said Radish between licks.
“She can sniff out a squirrel clear across the back forty. She’ll hunt down them varmints in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”
“Thanks, Applejack,” said Radish, standing up while petting Winona. “They won’t know what hit ‘em.”
Rarity finished directing her own set of royal porters, who were loading her numerous suitcases, hatboxes, and steamer trunks onto the train.
“Ah, Radish,” she said. “I’ve spoken with Fancy Pants. His people are going to keep an eye on Worthy’s people. Uptown ponies know how to keep tabs on one another- the grapevine is more like a full vineyard among that echelon.”
“Thanks, Rarity. I hope I’m not straining your relationships with your customers.”
“Not at all, dear. Once Fancy Pants heard there was a chance Worthy Wagoner could be caught in shady business, he was more than happy to help. Not to gossip, but I do believe there is some bad blood between them.”
“Interesting. Come on, everypony. Let’s board the train and we’ll go over the plan. The platform probably has eyes and ears.”
“Well,” Pinkie Pie announced loudly, “I sure hope nopony searches Ponyville Dump while we’re gone! I sure would hate to think what incriminating secrets they’d find out about us in Ponyville Dump!”
They entered their train car and the doors slid behind them.
“See what I did there?” giggled Pinkie Pie. “Now anypony spying on us will go dig through the dump!”
“Pinkie Pie,” said Rainbow Dash, “you’re a master at counterintelligence.”
“Aw, thanks.”
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The Only Mark That Matters
69. The Currency of the Plains, Part 3: Interred
Princess Celestia’s chariot pulled up to the gate of the Frontrunner Club, one of Canterlot’s oldest and most exclusive social institutions. She met the pony at the gatehouse, who gasped in disbelief when he saw her.
She flashed her membership card, which was yellowed and brittle with age. She didn’t care for her photo on it, as photography was a young art when it was taken. The gate pony didn’t look at it, and just silently opened the gate for her. The doorpony behaved the same way.
She stepped into the cool dark building and wandered its halls, trying not to look like she had no idea where she was going. The place had evidently been renovated since the last time she had been, but its architectural style had seemingly been regressed to an earlier one- Uptown was full of ponies trying to make themselves look younger and their buildings look older.
She found the library, picked a literary magazine from the rack, and sat to read it on an overstuffed sofa.
One of the most regrettable things about trying to socialize as a princess is that the ponies she’d be most interested in talking to were all far too intimidated to approach her, and the ones she’d prefer never to talk to were all too eager. Worthy Wagoner fell into the latter category. It would only be a matter of time before he was sidling up to her, probably while she was in the middle of a good short story.
One-half of a good short story later, Worthy Wagoner sidled up to her.
“Celestia! You’re a rare sight here these days!” he said, too loudly for even an empty private library. He plopped himself on the couch next to her and leaned over on his hoof.
“Good afternoon, Worthy. I was feeling the need to relax in a more… exclusive setting than the palace. And the furniture is nicer here, as well.”
“No doubt it’s good to get away from those hundreds of libidinous stares ,” he said with a smirk.
“Oh, believe me,” she laughed, “it’s only gotten worse since that bit of exercise. Now the palace staff see me as some kind of muscle-bound disciplinarian. I tell you, ponies today will fetishize anything but a professional relationship with their boss.”
“I’m glad we can all laugh at that ‘bit of exercise’ now. Some ponies around here were considering it grounds for revoking your membership.”
“Truly? I hope you fought for me, Worthy.”
“I did, though I could scarcely excuse some of your language.”
“And I must reiterate my apology. I’d hate it if my mouth made you feel anything less than comfortable.”
Too much, Celestia, she thought. But Worthy didn’t seem to think so, and looked delighted.
“You must understand,” continued Celestia, “that guard that I was… disciplining… has given me ample reason to correct him in such a fashion over the years.”
“Oh, no doubt! Did you know I met the boy once?”
“Really? Is he a member here?” Celestia asked, grinning.
Worthy laughed loud enough to pain Celestia’s ears.
“He showed up at the museum the night Willow was reintroduced to polite society. He had delusions of using my ancestor’s bones to ingratiate himself into your favor.”
“Ah, of course. I do apologize for missing that night. I had papers to grade.”
“You really must get out more.”
“Well, I’m here now. What is there to do around here these days?”
He hopped off the sofa.
“I’ll show you! Come,” he said, extending a hoof.
Celestia allowed Worthy to take her by the hoof and lead her through the Club’s corridors. He showed her the club’s parlors, fitness facilities, and dining rooms. Foreign incense hung heavy in the air. The place was quiet- no one else seemed to be around.
“Worthy, where is everyone? I thought the old gang would be here.”
“To whom do you refer, Celestia?”
“High Marks, for one. He loved this place. I assumed I’d see him here. And Ash Garden always used to come in here with you. Oh, I was also looking forward to catching up with Gemmy.”
“Ah. They, and many more, no longer meet the requirements of membership.”
“How so?”
“They fell a bit too low in personal worth, and thus, the esteem of their peers. Honestly, it was embarrassing to be near them. This club has standards to maintain.”
“How terrible.”
“They blamed the unpredictability of the markets. I thought that sounded a bit too much like a criticism of your governance.”
“You were insulted on my behalf?”
“Wounded! But I let them know what I thought of their excuses as security marched them out.”
“Hmm. I haven’t seen any security in here today, either.”
“Ah, but security can see us. Don’t be afraid. You are quite safe here.”
“Thank you, Worthy. That’s reassuring.”
“…and that’s all we know so far,” said Radish, pulling his pointer back from the map he had pinned to the wall of the train car. Radish’s old posting was in an area in the Southern Plains which the royal cartographers had labeled “Prickly Mesa”. The Black Bluffs called it “Spiny Mesa”, and Radish’s old Ranger Headquarters had called it “Thorny Mesa”.
“So we barely know anything?” complained Rainbow Dash.
“Never stopped us before!” said Pinkie Pie.
“I know, Dash, but I’m hoping that if we pool our talents, we can find the interloper, or interlopers, and arrest them right quick,” said Radish.
“Arrest?” asked Twilight Sparkle.
“Yeah. I have the full backing of the crown, including the power to arrest criminals in the name of the Guard. The local Ranger, Focus Beam, can get them to Ranger HQ for processing.”
“Hey, Twilight, how come we never do that?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Radish, have you ever arrested anypony before?” asked Twilight.
“Several times. Don’t worry, I’m ready for this.”
“What I’m saying is, shouldn’t we be focused on helping them see what they’re doing is wrong, instead of just clapping them in irons and sticking them in prison?”
“This isn’t some misguided delinquent like Trixie Lulamoon. We could be dealing with professional mercenaries hired by the most influential family in Equestria. And they’ve threatened Light.”
“I know. But…”
“Hold on a minute!” shouted Pinkie Pie. “Trixie’s last name is Lulamoon?”
“That’s what her dossier says,” replied Radish.
“You've got a dossier on Trixie?” asked Applejack.
“She did take over a town,” Radish said. “It’d be irresponsible not to.”
“Er, do you have dossiers on all of us?” asked Rarity.
“You didn’t know? You’re all High-Value Assets to the palace.”
“Well, that may sound like a compliment to you, but it’s still a touch… invasive to us, dear,” Rarity said.
“Oh! Do they say which of us is the highest-value asset?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Uh, guys? Look,” said Fluttershy.
The map on the wall was distorting, as if it was under thick concave glass. Five images appeared on it in glowing neon lines.
The top three were stylized drawings of each of the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ faces. Below them was a black spiral. Beside that was a scroll tied with a long blue ribbon.
Twilight stared at the images intently, her horn glowing softly. Radish snapped a photo of them. They fizzled out and vanished.
“Twilight? Radish?” started Spike. “Was that-”
“Yes,” Radish sighed. “It was them. The same kind of thing that appeared in my bunk.”
“Another air-burned threat,” agreed Twilight. “To make us back off.”
“They’re threatenin’ Apple Bloom!?” howled Applejack. “Why of all the low-down, dirty-”
“And Sweetie Belle?” said Rarity. “Those monsters!”
“And Scootaloo!” said Rainbow Dash. “When I get my hooves on them-!”
“And Zecora! How could they!?” moaned Fluttershy. “She’s not involved in this!”
“Who was the scroll?” asked Radish.
“Our mayor!” answered Rarity. “Why, Radish? She’s a sweetheart, and she has nothing at all to do with this!”
“The message is clear,” said Radish. “They’re saying they can hurt whoever they want, wherever they are. Even in the Everfree. Even a town mayor. Even children. I never should have involved any of you!”
“Oh, no!” said Rainbow Dash. “They made it personal. We are so taking them down!”
“How could they even send those pictures into a moving train?” asked Spike. “How did they even know what car we’re in?”
“They must be scrying us,” answered Twilight.
“How’s that work?” Spike asked.
“It’s a rare power. You magically lock onto a subject, and then you can view it remotely, no matter where you are. Somepony must have locked onto Radish at some point.”
“Then, could they be watching us now?” asked Fluttershy, shivering and looking around.
“Watching and listening,” answered Twilight. “But they’ve overplayed their hoof. Now that I’ve scanned it in action, I can cast a counterspell. They’ll lose their lock on Radish.”
“Not before I say this!” yelled Rainbow Dash. “Listen up! Whoever you are! Nopony threatens us, our family, or our friends and gets away with it! We. Are. Coming. For you!”
The eight friends cheered, and Winona barked, in agreement.
Twilight lit up her horn, and a soft blue light flooded the train car. As it faded, a red glowing crosshair appeared over Radish and shattered, its pieces dissipating into the air. Radish shuddered, as if suddenly realizing he had been cold for days.
“Radish, do you have any idea who could have locked onto you, or when?” Twilight asked.
“I was all over Canterlot. I probably walked past hundreds of unicorns. And tons of tourists walk through the palace each day. I’m trained to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious, but… no. I have no idea.”
“Spike, take a letter,” Twilight said. “Actually, take a lot of letters. We have to warn our friends.”
“Yeah, tell them I put them all in danger,” said Radish, sorrowfully.
“No, Radish, you didn’t. You were helping Sky. We made the choice to help you. These villains made the choice to send threats. Now the only choice left is how easily they’re willing to change.”
“Then they can make that choice in cuffs, Twilight,” said Radish. “I’m taking them down, hard and fast.”
Twilight looked uneasy.
“So, Worthy, what have you been up to lately?” Celestia asked.
They walked through one of the club’s grand courtyards. There was no vegetation aside from short-cut grass and a manicured rose hedge running along the sides. A fountain in the center quietly dribbled. This was the only sound- there was no animal activity at all.
“Overseeing a great many things. Some days I can scarcely keep it all straight.”
“You should delegate more.”
“Ah, but that would require leaving more responsibility in less capable hooves. As I always say, the worst thing about subordinates is that they are beneath you.”
“Thank you for sparing me the cliché about how ‘it’s so hard to find good help these days’,” Celestia said with a playful grin.
“Most ponies have forgotten the true comedy of that saying. It’s always been hard to find good help!"
They shared a laugh.
Celestia took in the vastness of the Club as Worthy led her through its long corridors. Something about the place was making her smile, and she didn’t realize what it was until she imagined Radish trying to infiltrate the building to get some answers.
He’d observe the place for days, find every little way in and out, memorize all the staff schedules, then sneak in and get caught. But that would work in his favor, anyway, because he knows Worthy would come to mock him face-to-face. He’d let Worthy admit to whatever it is he’s doing, then I’d appear right behind him having heard the whole thing.
It’s better if we just skip some of those steps. It’s opera season, and the Wagoners have a lot less time for mocking detainees this time of year.
Radish’s team disembarked the train as close as it could get them to Radish’s old stomping grounds- a trading post town named Sluiceway. Radish took a look around the old train depot. No one he knew was there, and if any stranger was there to observe them, they were being experts about hiding it.
“Ladies and dragon, it’s a long hike to Black Bluff territory. I’ll rent a cart, the rest of you take care of whatever business in town you see fit. We’ll meet back here in say, half an hour?”
They split up, and Radish read the town’s bulletin board. He didn’t see anything relevant, but he didn’t know what was relevant at this point.
He rented a buckboard and gave it a practice pull around town. He parked it, then made his way to the town watering hole, which was right next to its saloon. He took a drink, and the mineral taste of the water sent him back years.
“Radish? Is that you?”
He turned around. It was Sky, though he almost didn’t recognize her. Where before they had been roughly equal sized, she was now a good deal larger than him. Her coat was a darker shade of orange, and she was wearing more clothing and jewelry than she used to. She had upgraded her paint markings into a more elaborate design.
“Sky! I’ll be!”
They charged at each other and hugged. Sky’s grip was overpowering.
“I wasn’t expecting you,” she said. “I thought you’d be looking into this from the Canterlot side of things.”
“We’ve got the best pony possible working on it from that side.”
“Who?”
“Miss Skinny.”
“What? I thought she didn’t like you. Now you’ve got her running errands for you?”
“It’s that serious. And who says she doesn’t like me?”
“Focus Beam’s cousin wrote about how she beat the stuffing out of you.”
“That was a regulation wrestling match.”
“So, what are you doing here?”
“Sky, this is a royal mission now. I brought some of Equestria’s finest to help track down and apprehend your interlopers.”
“Your guard unit? Secret agents? Mercenaries?”
“No, they’re a ragtag group of unlikely heroines who keep saving the day through the power of friendship.”
“Oh. Them. We heard about them. They kind of seem like, well…”
“I know. But give them a chance, okay? Let me buy you a sarsaparilla, and I’ll tell you about them.”
“What, you have money these days?”
“Better- an expense account.”
“Mr. Big Shot at last.”
“You don’t know the half of it- I’m the official Mission Leader!”
“Ooh!”
Sky took Radish into the town saloon. They shared a booth and chatted, first about the old days, then about the new days.
“So, tell me about Light Fantastic,” said Sky.
“Oh, she’s amazing. She’s an artist in Midtown.”
“Midtown?”
“It’s part of Canterlot. It’s in the middle of town.”
“What kind of art does she make?”
“Stuff inspired from everyday life in Canterlot. She makes it into paintings, postcards, posters, figurines, and T-shirts. She wants to start doing a comic book, too.”
“Ooh.”
Radish looked down at the tabletop. “What, uh, what about you? You got a feller?”
Sky looked off to the floor. “Nah.”
“Oh. I always thought Skipper was sweet on you.”
“Well, tell that to Skipper. He’s marrying Stoney.”
“Well, tell them I said congrats.”
“I will. Now, about this team of yours…”
Big Macintosh shut his cellar doors behind him and slid a thick wooden bar over its hooks. He turned and adjusted the lantern on the wall, illuminating the space, then dimmed it when he saw his granny had fallen asleep in her rocking chair in the corner. Gathered in the cellar with them were the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Zecora, and the mayor of Ponyville.
“Y’all get comfortable,” he said in a low voice. “We might be here awhile.”
“Could somepony please explain what’s going on?” asked Mayor Mare.
“Well…” started Sweetie Belle.
“The palace is investigating some powerful ponies in Canterlot for crimes against buffalo!” said Apple Bloom.
“So they’re making threats against all of us to make them back down, but Rainbow Dash and her friends are not going to back down!” said Scootaloo.
“So we have to hide in this cellar until it’s safe!” said Sweetie Belle.
“I see. Well, at least I can get some work done here,” the mayor said, spreading papers across the dirt floor. “Does anypony have a highlighter?”
Apple Bloom trotted up to Zecora. She nodded toward Big Macintosh, who was guarding the door, pitchfork in hooves.
“See how bravely my handsome big brother is defending us ladyfolk?” she whispered. “You know, he’s single.”
Zecora gave her an annoyed look.
“Your brother has a handsome face, but this is not the time nor place.”
Radish and Sky exited the saloon, to find the rest of the team loitering by the buckboard. Spike was helping Rarity load her luggage into it. Twilight spotted Radish and Sky, and approached carefully. She bowed.
“Good afternoon. Miss Skies Above, I presume? My name is Twilight Spar-”
Sky saw Spike walking up next to her.
“Whoa! He’s real!” she said, excitedly rushing up to him. “You must be Spike! I’m Skies Above. You can call me Sky.”
“Nice to meet you, Sky!” said Spike.
“Yes, it’s nice to meet you,” said Twilight. “I’m Twi-”
“Hi! I’m Pinkie Pie!” said Pinkie Pie, bouncing near. “This is Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Winona, and Twilight Sparkle!”
“Nice to meet you all. I’ll take you to the village and we’ll show you what we’re up against.”
“Thank you,” said Twilight.
“Hey, Radish,” said Sky. “Want me to pull the buckboard with you?”
“Think you can keep up?” he teased.
“Think you can keep from stepping in a prairie dog hole for more than five minutes?”
They shared a laugh.
Radish and Sky pulled the others over the scrubby plains. Spike and the girls ate lunch out of a picnic basket that Applejack had prepared.
“Hey, Twilight,” whispered Rainbow Dash, “do you think Sky was the buffalo who was his first kiss?”
“He said he couldn’t talk about it,” she whispered back.
“Why do you think that is?” whispered Spike.
“It’s none of our business! We are guests on their land, so whatever’s important to them, is important to us!”
“Do you think this is dredging up feelings in Radish that he’d rather not be dealing with and is incapable of expressing?” whispered Pinkie Pie.
“No, remember? During the fight he said he was always a perfect gentlecolt to Sky because he knew she could do better,” whispered Rarity.
“Well, I couldn’t convey this at the time, but I got the sense that he was making excuses because he was totally stuck on Celestia the whole time he was here,” whispered Fluttershy.
“Would y’all quit actin’ like a bunch of cluckin’ hens? He’s got a gal now, and she’s a-countin’ on us to uncover this plot,” whispered Applejack. Winona barked in assent.
“Hey,” whispered Sky to Radish, “I think they’re whispering about us.”
“Just let them,” he whispered back. “It beats them breaking into song.”
Celestia leaned back into the hot tub of the club’s natatorium. The walls of the room were painted to look like moss-covered stone, giving the impression of swimming in a secret grotto. Worthy Wagoner was relaxing in the hot tub next to her. He had been talking since before they stepped in.
“…and he came in third place! I tell you, we were laughing at him for weeks after that!”
“I hope he was a good sport about it,” Celestia said, leaning her head back and closing her eyes. The hot tub wasn’t built with a pony of her size in mind, though she was losing her patience faster at the company than the seating.
“Oh, a terrible sport! Avoided us at the symphony for weeks! Celestia, Canterlot society simply needs a better class of ponies. Or perhaps a better breed of ponies, eh?”
Celestia crossed her hind legs away from him.
“Worthy, you always seem to know what’s best for everypony else.”
“Why do you think I got this?” he said, standing up and putting his dripping wet cutie mark inches from Celestia’s face. It was an unbalanced scale. “I realized early on that the world is full of opposing powers. Winners and losers. Best to always be on the winning side, eh?”
“It is interesting,” Celestia said, “that with a balance scale, the side with the most value sinks to the bottom, raising its lesser above it.”
Worthy laughed.
“Don’t confuse dead weight with value, Celestia! The most precious treasures often require the biggest piles of dirt to raise them into the light.”
“Ah, speaking of treasure, you should see the lovely brooch Rarity made for me! I’ve received quite a few compliments on it at the theater. She is so very talented.”
“Rarity? The uh, seamstress ? From Ponyville ?”
“So you’ve heard of her? I believe Fancy Pants is one of her best customers.”
“That sounds like Fancy Pants, all right.”
“And she sources all her jewels herself from caves outside Ponyville.”
“That area has been surveyed and found unimpressive. Anything mined there can’t be worth a thing.”
“Well, let’s not tell her that. Otherwise she might think it was her eye for design and generosity of heart that impressed me about her gift.”
“You spoil those six, Celestia. They will take advantage of you some day.”
“No doubt. But the ponies in my life often don’t seem to take full advantage of me when they really, really , should.”
Too far? she wondered. I can’t even tell any more.
“Celestia, would you join me for dinner tonight? I believe I can show you something far more impressive than a Ponyville cave brooch.”
“Why, Worthy. I thought you’d never ask.”
Radish’s team parked their buckboard outside of the Black Bluffs’ village. Chief Shortshadow excitedly waved to Radish.
“Radish Root! Welcome back!”
“Good seeing you again, Chief. I’m sorry if any of this trouble was brought on by my doing.”
“It probably was, so it’s good of you to come help. We think these interlopers must know a lot of high-level spells to keep themselves hidden. We don’t know much about unicorn magic.”
“Well, I’ve brought someone who does. This is Twilight Sparkle,” said Radish, motioning to Twilight. She stepped forward and bowed.
“Chief Shortshadow, thank you for allowing us to visit your lands. Princess Celestia sends her warmest regards.”
“Oh! How is she? I haven’t seen her since she came here asking about…” He looked at Radish. “Uh, never mind.”
“She was here?” asked Radish. “Asking about me? How long ago?”
“Radish, a chief’s meeting with a princess is confidential.”
“Chief, please. Was it about my cutie marks?”
“Radish, I said no.”
“Okay. Fine. Can I ask about the dig?”
“What do you want to know?”
“Let’s go over the timeline of events. Could you tell us what happened after I left? Headquarters had me relocate my camp to monitor the dragon’s new mountain. I wasn’t around when Willow’s bones were crated up and sent to the museum.”
“Worthy’s personal assistant came. He offered to undertake the entire dig on the Wagoners’ coin, and pay us all to let us on the land. We said no, but he just kept coming back, raising his offer. So, we fed him this line about how we held the cave as deeply sacred.”
“And he believed that?”
“I doubt it, but how could he argue it? Anyway, to get him to leave, we compromised, and let him go home with Willow’s remains. She did have living descendants, after all, so they had a legitimate claim to her.”
“Yeah, but everything else they teach about her in Canterlot is bull plop,” said Radish. “Her museum display is loaded with falsehoods. Of course, the Wagoners are big contributors to the museum.”
“They’re using the museum to spread untruths?” gasped Twilight. “You should have said something! That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard!”
The others looked at her.
“Okay, maybe not. But it’s still really bad.”
“Go on, Chief,” Radish said.
“The assistant was satisfied, but he left his card in the case that, and I quote, ‘you find any of her personal effects. You would be rewarded most handsomely for them if they are left intact.’”
“And did you find anything else of Willow’s?”
“Nothing. Storm Centurions traveled light, just the armor on their backs. But there’s still a lot of cave left to excavate. The more careful the digging, the better the data.”
“Huh. Not at all like how Daring Do finds artifacts,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Who?” the chief asked.
“Nothing,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Okay,” said Radish. “I’d like my team to check out the cave, then the surrounding countryside. They’ve been making a lot of threats- they might be getting desperate. Maybe we can find them before they do something dangerous.”
“Good luck,” said Chief Shortshadow. “Say, did you know you’ve got a bit of a Central Equestrian accent these days?”
“Really? Well, survival is adaptation. You taught me that.”
“I did?”
“Well, I heard it somewhere.”
Celestia stood before the front gate of the Wagoner manor, dressed in an ice-blue evening gown and smelling of petitgrain. Her hair was braided up behind her crown. She wore earrings that she hadn’t put on in years.
Servants showed her inside. The manse was dimly-lit and quiet as a tomb. Celestia was brought to a sitting room where Worthy was relaxing in a lounge chair with a snifter of brandy.
“Celestia! Glad you could make it.”
“Thank you for the invitation.”
“Thank you for accepting it, for once.”
Celestia giggled girlishly. “Well, all those other times you didn’t promise to show me something impressive .”
“Ah, is that what it takes? I would have hoped the pleasure of my company would be incentive enough.”
“Perhaps this will be the night I finally learn to appreciate the pleasure of your company.”
Radish and his friends approached the base of the mountain where the Storm Centurions were found. Outside the cave entrance numerous shelters had been erected, surrounded by a fence topped with spotlights. A pair of buffalo were on watch duty.
“Brazen! Scrapes!” said Radish. He bumped hooves with the buffalo.
“Welcome to the dig,” said Brazen. “Who’d have thought this mountain would get more interesting after the dragon left it?”
“Yeah. A six hundred-year-old crime scene and a mystery stalker,” said Scrapes. “Not as much fun as that sounds.”
“You really think Willow Wagoner killed her own squad?” Radish asked.
“That’s what all the evidence points to,” said Scrapes. “All their injuries were made by her Centurion weapons, and there’s no sign of those bandits they were hunting.”
“But why?” asked Twilight.
“Good question,” said Brazen. “Our first thought was that Willow could have gotten high on mushrooms and went berserk. That was pretty common for troops in those days.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” said Rainbow Dash. “I grew up hearing all about how Willow Wagoner was this legendary heroine, and now you’re saying she was a drugged-out psycho murderer!?”
“Probably not. The wounds on the other Centurions were too precise, and most point to an ambush,” said Scrapes. “Whatever she did it for, she did it deliberately, skillfully, and premeditatedly.”
“But that’s even worse!” Rainbow Dash said.
“Sorry, Rainbow Dash,” said Twilight. “It always hurts to learn your heroes weren’t the role models you thought they were. But it’s important to learn the true history.”
“Yeah? How would you like it if history said that Starswirl the Bearded was actually Tack the Ripper?”
“That’s impossible!” Twilight huffed. “First of all, they-”
“Gals, can we put a pin in this?” asked Applejack, impatiently.
“Right,” said Sky. “Come on in, I’ll show you what we’ve found.”
Sky led them into the enclosure.
“Radish, you remember Hoopla?” she said, pointing to a rattlesnake coiled up under a prickly pear.
“Howdy, Hoopla. Good seeing you again,” said Radish, doffing his hat. Hoopla waved at him with a coil.
“She and her kids are helping patrol the dig site,” said Sky. “They’re all over the mountain. Hoopla, could you go tell them all that these new folks are friends?”
Hoopla nodded, then slithered away.
“Um, Mission Leader? May we see the snake babies after this?” asked Fluttershy.
“Only if the mission’s a success,” Radish said.
“Oh. Okay,” she said.
Sky looked around. “Huh. Focus Beam should be here, too.”
“Focus Beam is here. The question is, who else is here?” said a steely voice.
A lanky off-white unicorn with a buzzcut mane stepped out from behind a rock. She grit her teeth, lowered her horn, and sparked it up.
“Beamy, this is Radish. You replaced him,” said Sky.
“Is that so?”
Focus Beam made a series of hoof gestures. Radish made a few right back.
“Okay. Good. And those?” she said, pointing to Twilight and her friends.
“Hello, Ranger Beam. My name is Twil-”
Focus Beam’s aura upended the ground at Twilight’s hooves. Twilight jumped back with a yelp.
“It’s okay! They’re with us. Celestia herself sent them to help!” yelped Radish.
“Okay. If you vouch for them,” Focus Beam said.
“What’s been going on here?” asked Radish.
“Oh, just unseen enemies lurking around every boulder.”
“What has HQ said?”
“To investigate, provide site security, and report back if anything happens.”
“Aren’t they sending backup?”
“Every nearby outpost has their hooves full. I’m on my own. But that’s when Plains Rangers shine the brightest. I’ll get these sneaks and keep these buffs safe, on my honor as a Ranger and a mare.”
“Wait, why are the other outposts so busy?” Radish asked.
“Don’t know. Nopony tells me anything.”
“Miss Beam, we’re here to help,” said Twilight. “May we see the cave?”
Winona sniffed the ground, then barked.
“What’s that, girl?” asked Applejack. “I think she’s caught a scent!”
Winona bounded up the side of the mountain.
“Dunno what she smells up there,” said Sky. “We’ve been up and down it.”
“Applejack, Spike, and Fluttershy- go see what Winona found,” said Radish. “Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, stay with Focus Beam and get her up to speed. Twilight, Rarity, Sky- let’s see the cave.”
“Just stick to the designated paths!” called Focus Beam. “And don’t touch a thing!”
Radish and Sky led Twilight and Rarity into the cave. Inside, wooden walkways had been set up, snaking around digging pits. Crates, tables, and lights filled the rest of the cave.
“Hey, what were those motions you made with your hoof?” asked Twilight.
“Ranger signal code. For when two Rangers get sight of each other in their scopes and need to share information.”
“That’s neat.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
Celestia sat down at Worthy Wagoner’s dinner table while a maid filled her wine glass with a dark red malbec.
“Ah, thank you, miss.”
The maid smiled.
“Celestia, really!” scoffed Worthy. “Why do you thank a pony for doing the job they are paid to do?”
The maid looked sadly down at the floor, and walked away.
“I suppose I’m always grateful for a good glass of wine,” Celestia said, watching her leave.
“Ah, Chateau Pompeuse ’55 . We recently bought out the vineyards. Only the best for the best.”
“You spoil me, Worthy. The royal sommeliers would tell me to save such a bottle for a much more grandiose occasion. And to share it between more friends.”
“I hope you don’t thank them for doing that job, either.”
“Well, they do get a card at Hearth’s Warming.”
“How quaint.”
Celestia drank half her glass.
“So this is where it happened?” asked Twilight.
“Yep. The legend of the Storm Centurions ended in this cave,” said Sky. “Or began, really, since they weren't famous until they vanished.”
“Have you found anything of the bandits they were sent to hunt?” asked Radish.
“Not a thing,” replied Sky.
“I couldn’t find anything about them in my research, either,” said Twilight. She cast a texture-scanning spell over the cave. “Uh, Radish? Did you know that a dragon has been here?”
“It was napping in the peak for a year,” said Radish.
“I mean, down in this cave. I’m picking up the same kind of spine abrasions in the rock that Spike leaves on my floors.”
“Oh, is that what those scratches in Carousel Boutique are coming from?” asked Rarity. “I will have to knit Spike some stockings for his spines.”
“Radish? You never told them?” asked Sky.
“About the thing you said to never tell anyone about?” asked Radish. “No, I didn’t.”
“Gee, I didn’t expect you to keep it secret so long,” said Sky. “That was a long time ago.”
“The Water-bearer was even longer ago!”
“Oh. You really took that seriously?” Sky gasped, looking into Radish’s eyes.
“Of course I did! Should I not have?”
“I’m really glad you did,” Sky said, smiling widely.
“Could one of you say what neither of you are saying?” said Twilight, annoyed.
“The dragon confronted Radish and I in this cave. We bargained with it to leave,” said Sky.
“Confronted!?” yelped Twilight.
“Bargained!?” cried Rarity.
“Sky did all the work,” said Radish. “Told him about a better cave.”
“But Radish broke the tension with his cutie marks,” Sky said, smiling and nudging Radish. Radish rolled his eyes.
“What? And you kept all that a secret? That was before the six of us faced a dragon of our own!” said Twilight.
“It was… ambiguously legal,” said Radish.
“And our leaders would’ve flipped out,” said Sky.
“And it could have brought tension between the Rangers and the Black Bluffs,” said Radish.
“And it’s not really relevant to the current problem,” said Sky.
“Anything could be relevant!” cried Twilight.
“Like this, perhaps?” asked Rarity. “Sky, did somepo- uh, somebuffalo lose jewelry in here?”
“No, why?”
“There’s something under these boards.”
Rarity pointed her horn at a section of the walkway. The boards and the ground under them shimmered, turning transparent. Inside the ground was a glowing amber cameo studded with opals.
“Yeah, that’s not one of ours,” said Sky. “Hold on.”
Sky dug it up and brushed it off. Rarity looked closely.
“Why, that’s from the Spruce Woods collection!” gasped Rarity. “Fancy Pants told me all about it. A trove of treasure that was stolen from his family’s winter home centuries ago!”
“How many centuries? Six, maybe?” asked Radish.
“Quite so,” replied Rarity.
“Was that winter home around here?”
“Uh, it was at one of the train stops on the way here, actually. In Summerspring.”
“Hmm. No trains six centuries ago. The Centurions probably stayed over in Summerspring while hunting the bandits. And that wasn’t in the winter…” pondered Radish.
“So Willow took the opportunity to steal from a rival high-society family while they weren’t at home?” suggested Twilight.
“And thought she could hide the treasure in this cave until the heat was off!” called out Sky, as she photographed and cataloged the cameo. “Nocreature would spend too much time out here in those days. It was way drier then.”
“Then she killed the rest of her squad over it,” said Radish. “Do you think they were trying to arrest her for the crime, or did they simply want the treasure for themselves?”
“Is the rest of the treasure buried in here?” asked Sky.
“I detect nothing else like it. A shame,” responded Rarity. “There should be a whole chest of equally stunning pieces.”
“It must be what the trespassers were after,” said Sky. “But they kept pestering our camps after trashing this cave, so they didn’t find it in here either.”
“But if the Centurions never left this cave… and you didn’t find the treasure… and the trespassers didn’t… where did it go?” Rarity pondered.
“Well, it had six hundred years to get stolen,” said Radish. “It could be anywhere.”
“So what do we do?” asked Sky.
“Well, I’ve got an idea you may not like,” said Twilight.
“Behold, the Wagoner coat of arms,” said Worthy, waving at an elaborate woodcarving on the wall above between two different suits of armor.
He had led her into a spacious gallery room on the second floor, full of paintings, sculptures, and objets d’art. Celestia approached the coat of arms and read the Old Ponish motto below it.
“Hmm… The Stars Favor the Bold . True enough.”
“I envy your connection to the stars above. They are something I could never touch.”
“Don’t be too envious. It’s a great responsibility to raise the sun.”
“You do it well, at least. I haven’t a single complaint about your job performance.”
“Thank you, Worthy. I rarely get that kind of feedback. You have so many beautiful pieces here in your collection,” Celestia said, looking around the room. “I knew a few of these artists personally. I had no idea so many of their works ended up in the same place. Some of these are thought lost.”
“Not lost, just protected from the uninformed gaze of the rabble. You should know how lucky you are. I only allow these to be viewed by those who would truly appreciate them.”
“I’m honored.”
She looked at a framed painting on the wall. It was an antique portrait, but of who, there was no way to tell- the top half had been torn off and was missing, leaving only a well-dressed pony’s shoulders.
“Oh, dear. What happened here?”
“A crime against art, by an uncultured miscreant.”
“A shame. Who was the subject?”
“Dendross.”
“Oh, he was quite a character. He probably would have been amused to hear that uncultured miscreants tore up his portrait.”
“Perhaps, but my ancestors were not so amused to have their property destroyed.”
“Is this what you wanted to show me?”
“Not at all. Come over here.”
Worthy stepped up to a section of a wall that had been deliberately left blank.
“Celestia, it’s time you saw this. The most precious thing in my collection. In anyone’s. Something truly impressive .”
He entered a combination on a panel. The wall slid down, revealing a large vault door. He entered another combination into the dial in its center, and it swung open. Inside was a pedestal. On the pedestal was a cushion, and on the cushion sat a crystal ball.
“Take a look. Do you know what it is?”
Celestia stepped closer and peered into the vault. Hovering inside the center of the crystal ball was a tiny speck of golden fire. Celestia startled back, gasping.
“This… this cannot be!”
“It is. A piece of the sun. An entire frequency of sunlight, pulled down and encased in crystal by one of my unicorn ancestors during the Tribal Age.”
“Captured. Trapped alone in the dark,” said Celestia, gritting her teeth.
“Not captured. It has no agency, no rights. It is simply my property.”
“The sun belongs to all creatures. Even the smallest parts of it. Worthy, this is frightfully illegal for you to possess. Why show me?”
“It’s perfectly legal. I believe you instituted the law banning sun harvest early in your reign- in your youth. But my family was old when you were young. They made sure the language of the law made provisions for those who had already harvested.”
“The Wagoners were allowed to keep this through a grandfather clause?”
“Indeed.”
“I dislike loopholes, Worthy. I carelessly let congress slip many past me when I was young. I am far more thorough now.”
“No doubt.”
“I ask again. Why show me? You must know how offensive I find this. You know I would like to see this freed and returned to the rest of the sun.”
“I have something you want, you mean? Well, then… make me an offer.”
“Maybe the dragon took the treasure,” suggested Twilight. “What if we asked him?”
“No!” cried everyone else.
“You want answers or not?” she asked curtly. “I’ll take full responsibility for whatever happens.”
“You don’t have full responsibility to take,” said Radish. “I’m Mission Leader.”
“But Radish-”
“Nope.”
“Then what are we going to do?”
“Reverse-engineer the trespassers’ MO,” said Radish. “If there are ponies poking around over multiple days, they have to have a base of operations in the area.”
“We’ve looked,” said Sky. “There’s nothing for miles.”
“There’s one place you couldn’t have looked,” Radish said, pointing up.
“What? The peak? Where the lilacs are?”
“No, higher.”
“The sky?” asked Twilight. “I thought we were dealing with unicorns.”
“You’ve all walked on clouds before, haven’t you?” Radish reminded her.
“The cloudwalk spell?” pondered Twilight. “Huh. If they had at least one unicorn to cast it, and at least one pegasus to ferry them, they could be camping out in a cloud.”
“It has been rather cloudy lately,” Sky said. “Dang, we never would have thought of that.”
“So, Mission Leader. Should we get Rainbow Dash to bust some clouds open?” asked Twilight determinedly.
“Hmm. Let’s play it cool. If they don’t know we know, we have the advantage.”
“Bit late for that!” yelled a voice behind them.
They turned to look. There was a bright flash, then the sound of rock shattering.
The mouth of the cave collapsed with a wave of dust and darkness.
“Worthy… I will not pay for the release of this piece of the sun. That would cheapen it.”
Worthy laughed loudly.
“I don’t want money for it.”
“Just say it, Worthy. Tell me what you want from me.”
“We both know what I want from you. The only thing on earth that I’ve been denied.”
“That is your only term?”
“Yes. It is non-negotiable.”
Celestia looked at the glowing speck within the orb. Worthy put his hoof on the vault door and closed it. It locked with a clank that Celestia felt in her chest.
“Well, Celestia? What is your answer?”
View Online
The Only Mark That Matters
70. The Currency of the Plains, Part 4: Interplay
Celestia stood tall. She looked at Worthy Wagoner with cold eyes.
“I agree to your terms.”
He nodded, smiling pleasantly, and led her down the hall. He opened the door at its end to the master bedroom. It was dim inside. Celestia stepped in while Worthy locked the door behind them. She walked over to his large four-poster bed.
He approached her with total placidity on his face and reached for his tie.
Radish found himself pinned down by something large, soft, and warm. At the first sign of danger, both Radish and Sky had tried to throw themselves over the other, and Sky, being larger, had won the tussle to shield Radish. Sky got off Radish and helped him up. The room was bathed in purple light- Twilight was projecting a dome-shaped forcefield over all of them.
“Who the blazes was that?” asked Rarity.
“Them,” said Radish. “Our interlopers have revealed themselves at last.”
“Please tell me you can get us out of here,” said Sky.
“Twilight?” asked Radish.
With a flash of teleportation magic, the four appeared outside the entrance of the cave.
“What the?” said Radish, startled.
They were in a dense fog. Radish put his hoof in front of his face, and couldn’t see it. He reached out around himself, and felt fur. It was Sky’s hide. She pulled him close.
“What is this?” she asked.
“Their pegasus’s doing, I guess,” answered Radish. “They fogged up the ground for cover. Twilight? Rarity?”
“We’re here!” said Twilight, horn glowing faintly through the fog. Radish and Sky stumbled over to them, and the four held each other.
“Hold on, I’ll get us up the mountain,” said Twilight.
With another burst of magic, they were on the mountain peak. The fog bank covered the land all around its base.
“Look at it all!” said Rarity. “They must have brought down every cloud in the sky to do this!”
“Twilight!” called Spike.
The rest of the group, minus Rainbow Dash, were at the peak.
“There you are!” said Fluttershy. “When we heard that rockslide, we feared the worst!”
“What happened out here?” asked Radish.
“Winona led us up the mountain and started barking at a cloud. A big one,” said Applejack.
“So they did have a cloud campsite,” said Twilight.
“Yep. Once they got made, they dropped the cloud right on us. Lost them, sorry to say. Rainbow Dash thought she caught sight of one flyin’ away, and she flew off after them.”
“Fluttershy, would you move this cloud back up?” Radish asked.
“Me? All this?”
“Hoopla and her babies are stuck in this soup, too.”
Fluttershy gasped, then nodded determinedly. She swooped down and flew circles around the cloud, slowly lifting it back into the sky. The others cheered her on.
Then, something startled her. A large gray earth stallion leapt out of the cloud and ran.
“You! Stop!” cried Focus Beam.
She ran after him. Winona, barking, gave chase.
“Let’s get him, girl!” called Applejack, running after her.
“All right! A chase scene!” yelled Pinkie Pie, joining her. Brazen and Scrapes nodded to each other, then joined in the chase.
Winona leapt and landed on the earth pony. She tackled him into the dirt. He raised a hoof to knock her off, but that hoof was quickly lassoed by Applejack. She flicked the lasso, dragging him sideways and hog-tying him. As the buffalo surrounded him, Focus Beam threw her aura over him and lifted him in the air. She trotted him back to Radish.
Radish pulled shackles from his bag.
“Radish, wait. Let me talk to him,” said Twilight.
“Twi, not now.”
“Please!”
“Twi! For once, could you-”
The earth pony kicked off a horseshoe, which slammed into Focus Beam’s horn. She staggered back, dropping her aura. He slipped the lasso and leapt at her. Radish tackled him. They grappled across the ground while the others surrounded them.
“Radish! Stop!” cried Twilight.
She threw her aura on both of them and dangled them mid-air by the scruffs of their necks.
“Sparkle!” spat Radish.
The earth pony chunked another horseshoe at Twilight’s head. She ducked with a yelp, and her aura failed. Radish leapt onto him and slammed his head to the ground. The earth pony dizzily looked up to see Radish reeling back to punch his lights out. He flinched to the side.
“Till Tipper? Is that you?” Twilight asked.
The earth pony looked at her. He turned away, as if ashamed. Radish stayed his hoof.
“You two know each other?” he asked.
“He’s a friend of my folks,” said Twilight. “He came to my brother’s wedding.”
“Your parents hobnob with mercenaries?”
“No, he was their accountant.”
Radish looked down at him. He looked up at Radish, warily.
“Was?”
“Until he moved on to a bigger client. Dad said he landed a whale.”
“Let me guess, Worthy Wagoner?” asked Radish.
Till Tipper nodded.
“And now you’ve joined forces with him, attacking your friends’ daughter. You slimy son of a-”
“He threatened them!” cried Till Tipper. “Threatened her! He only ever hired me because he thought I’d have dirt on Twilight and Shining Armor. And when I didn’t have any, he said I had to come out here to appraise the treasure!”
“The Spruce Woods Collection?” asked Rarity.
He nodded. “Willow was supposed to steal the collection and drop it off with a Wagoner in Summerspring. Nopony ever heard from her or saw the treasure again.”
“And all this has been about hiding their history of thievery?” asked Radish.
“And getting the treasure at last,” replied Till Tipper.
“Till Tipper, would you be willing to testify all this to the authorities?” asked Twilight.
“Twilight, Worthy is the authority. Half the City Watch and a bunch of judges are in his pocket.”
“What!?” cried Radish. He hooked his hooves into Till Tipper’s shirt collar. “The Watch is supposed to be watching over my girlfriend through all this!”
“I’m sorry. I thought you knew. If she’s alone with the Watch…”
“Spike! Get a message to Light Fantastic! She needs to get to the palace, and avoid the Watch as she does!”
“On it!” said Spike.
Radish got off Till Tipper and helped him up.
“Please, Till Tipper,” said Twilight, “help us put a stop to all this. You could be the one to take down Worthy Wagoner, so that he’ll never threaten someone again.”
“How?”
“If he’s sending his employees to commit offenses in buffalo territory, it’s an international crime,” said Radish. “If royal guards make the arrest, we can keep him out of the reach of his Watch cronies, and he’d face an international court in Manehattan, not the judges in his pocket.”
“But they’d need evidence to do all that,” said Sky. “Your testimony could make it happen.”
“I’ll… cooperate with the authorities. But only the ones I can be sure are free of his influence,” Till Tipper said.
He looked over to Focus Beam. “Worthy said the Plains Rangers were too few and far between, and too obsessed with oaths and allies, to bother paying off. That’s why he created distractions for all the Rangers in this area instead. I’ll cooperate with you, Ranger.”
“What’s this, now?” she said, angrily. “What ‘distractions’?”
“False reports of lost ponies, loose criminals, and whatever else could draw the Rangers away from here. It’s actually the same tactic his family used to get Willow’s unit to Summerspring six hundred years ago. There were never any bandits- just falsified reports of them.”
“You-!” Focus Beam howled. “That’s why there’s no backup! That puts real ponies in danger!”
Till Tipper looked down.
“I’m… sorry. I couldn’t stop any part of the plan, I could only go along with it to protect Twilight and her family.”
“Where’s the rest of your team?” asked Radish.
“We all heard you say the dragon was in the cave. The others are trying to sneak up on it and check out its hoard.”
“How could the dragon have taken the treasure?” asked Sky. “He was only in the cave with us for like a minute.”
“That’s more than enough time for a dragon to sniff out treasure!” said Spike, finishing his letter and burning it to Canterlot. “What kind of treasure are we talking about?”
“Whatever it is,” said Focus Beam, “it’s not worth breaking Rule One over. Never approach a sleeping dragon!”
“Focus Beam, if the other bandits are heading there now, they could die,” said Radish. “We have to at least try to save them.”
“Do we, though?” she asked.
“Yes, we do,” said Twilight.
Radish glassed the smoking mountain with his binoculars.
“Okay, let’s not swarm the thing. I’ll take lead. Fluttershy will talk to it. Rarity, since you know about this treasure, you should come along too. Twilight, you teleport us away if things get hairy. The rest of you stay and guard the dig site. This could go real bad real fast. Focus Beam, if the worst happens, you had nothing to do with it. You tried to stop me.”
“I understand. Thank you.”
“Hey, what about me?” asked Sky.
“Nope. You’re staying here,” Radish said.
“Why? Because I’m not a royal anything? Because I’ve got no pony powers? Because of what my chief would say?”
“Because he loves you too much to see you hurt,” answered Focus Beam.
Sky’s face softened. Radish looked at Focus Beam with annoyance.
“What? It’s obvious, and you’re wasting time,” said Focus Beam.
“Radish… could I talk to you?” asked Sky.
“Okay.”
She pulled him aside. The rest shuffled away, giving them space.
“Radish, this is the same place we were at years ago. I saved your butt back then.”
“There’s more going on than a dragon this time. I won’t involve you with ponies who would collapse a cave on us.”
“I was involved with them before you were! I just wanted you to check out the Wagoners, not come fight my battles!”
“It’s all our battle. And now that we’ve escalated, they’re going to be more dangerous. That’s my fault, but facing that danger is my job. And seeing as Black Bluff territory doesn’t extend past the lakes, you’d just be interfering with a royal mission if you came.”
“Yeah? What if I did, anyway?”
“I’d lodge a complaint with Chief Shortshadow.”
“Radish… is Focus Beam right? Is this really because how much you… care for me?”
Radish took a deep breath. He looked down at the ground, then into her eyes.
“Sky, when you started hanging around me all the time, I thought you were just interested in dragons, or the Rangers. But after we swore that oath under the Water-bearer…”
“Radish, I have to tell you- that oath was phony. I just made it up… as an excuse to kiss you.”
“I knew. I went along with it because, well, I wanted a kiss from you.”
“Really?”
“Sky, I was falling for you by the time we parted. If I had stayed another day, I don’t know if I could have left at all.”
Radish heard a few voices saying “aww” behind him. He ignored them.
“Oh,” said Sky. “I didn’t think… you felt that way. Radish, I’ve missed you every day since you left. A lot more than I thought I would. Some days I feel like an idiot encouraging you to go.”
“Sky, I’m sorry. I’m with someone.”
“I know. And that’s great. I wanted that for you. I don’t have any right to feel sad about it.”
“Come on, Sky. There’s a million better guys than me out there.”
“Doubt that. Who else would walk up to a dragon and demand answers?”
She hugged him. He hugged her back.
“Mission Leader, please let me come. For old times’ sake?”
“Okay. You can come. But this time, don’t yank down my pants.”
They heard some giggles behind them. Radish rolled his eyes.
“Worthy, may I count on your… discretion?” Celestia asked.
He removed his tie and let it drop to the floor. “No.”
“Worthy…”
He stepped closer, undoing his cuffs and shirt buttons.
“You were hoping to meet me in the club today, weren’t you? Hoping to get something out of me?”
“Yes. I wanted to know what you think you’re doing at the Black Bluffs dig.”
“There are many precious things a dig can bring forth. Most precious of all was you.”
“What are you saying?”
“You don’t come out of your castle that often. You don’t come to the club much at all. And you’ve never accepted an invitation to my home. You avoid me at galas, never respond to my messages, and altogether refuse to give me the time of day. But your concern for that boy has brought you to me, eh?
“You came here tonight thinking that a couple of flirtatious smiles and innuendos would get what you want out of me. But you never could have imagined that I’d have something you’d really, truly, desperately desire. Whatever is recovered from that dig is secondary to the opportunity to put you in front of that vault and show you the one thing in this world that you would do anything for.
“No, Celestia, I am not going to be discreet about this. Every one of your subjects will know. The news will reach the dragons, griffons, and zebras. And the first one I tell will be that boy to his face.
“And after I’ve let you have the piece and restore the sun to its completeness, every one of your sunrises will be your tribute to me. Your morning duty will be a daily reminder of how I conquered you .”
“I don’t give a damn. I am doing this for all the world. I have done far worse for far less.” She took off her crown and shook out her mane. “And I will be thinking of that boy the entire time.”
Radish’s team approached the mouth of the dragon’s cave. The smoke pouring out was thinner and lighter now, indicating the dragon was dreaming of something unpleasant.
All the more reason to tread carefully , thought Radish.
“So, Twilight… when you confronted Razer…”
“Who?”
“The red dragon in the Unicorn Mountains? The Rangers were able to confirm his identity later on.”
“Oh, that’s his name? Cool!”
“How did you wake him up without getting killed?”
“Uh… you know, that was a string of debacles that I don’t like to talk about.”
“Twilight, it’s important.”
“But I’ve learned a lot since then.”
“Yeah? Like what?” asked the dragon, staring at them from the mouth of the cave.
The five fell to their knees.
“Mister dragon,” started Fluttershy. “My name is Fluttershy. I’d like to speak with you, if that’s okay.”
He ignored her and looked at Radish. “Hey, I know you. You’re the one with the funny pictures on him.”
Sky giggled. Radish grit his teeth.
“Yes, that’s me. How are you?”
“The mites are nice, but I’m still not sleeping well,” he said, drawing his maw nearer to Radish.
“When we met in that other cave back then, did you take something from it?”
“The deal was that I leave the bones and you alone. You never said anything about the chest buried in there.”
“A chest? What was in it?”
“Don’t know. Haven’t checked it yet. Been trying to sleep.”
“Would you be willing to show us? We could at least try to appraise what’s inside,” said Radish.
The dragon disappeared into the cave and returned, holding out a small chest. With one tug of his claw, it snapped open. Jewelry, gems, and gold fell out. Rarity looked them over.
“It’s the Spruce Woods collection, no doubt about it! Why, Fancy Pants would be overjoyed to…” she looked up at the dragon’s disapproving face. “…to hear that it’s in the possession of one who will appreciate its beauty.”
“It’s mine. And I don’t want you telling anyone about it.”
“If that’s your wish,” said Radish. “We won’t tell anyone.”
“Cross my little pony heart,” added Rarity.
“So, what’s it worth?” the dragon asked.
“Oh, a king’s ransom!” said Rarity, enthusiastically. “Or more literally, a Pants family member’s. In those days, it was quite common to kidnap a noblepony for ransom, so families commissioned high-value, highly-portable property to trade for their loved ones should the need arise. This collection was such property, crafted by the artist Spruce Woods. It was his magnum opus, darling.”
“I lucked out, huh?” said the dragon. “What about that?”
He pointed to something in the pile- a finely-decorated scroll cylinder. Rarity carefully opened it, and pulled out a canvas scroll. She unfurled it. The others gathered around to see.
“Now, Celestia, why don’t you-”
A crash rang out down the hall. Worthy sneered.
“Do not move. I will be right back.”
He stormed out of the room. Princess Celestia took off her shoes and sat down on the bed. She touched her flank where her dress covered her sun cutie mark.
I’m sorry, old friend. I should have noticed you were incomplete. I was so foolish in those days. I will make it up to you. I will restore you. That is my duty.
“Stupid girl!” she heard Worthy bellow from down the hall. “That is worth more than your life! If you’ve damaged it-”
“I’m sorry!” cried a young mare’s voice. “It just fell off as I was dusting! I don’t think it was hung properly!”
“Shall I demonstrate how something should be hung properly!? ”
Celestia collected her things, redressed, and left the bedroom. Back in the gallery, she found Worthy standing over the maid, who was sweeping up shards from a frame that had fallen.
It was the half-portrait Celestia had seen earlier. The maid’s eyes darted from Celestia’s to the back of the frame.
“Celestia, I am sorry this girl disturbed you, and she will be punished for it,” said Worthy. “There was no need to come in here. I told you to stay put.”
Celestia took the broken frame in her aura, opened it, and extracted the portrait. She flipped it over. She frowned. The maid gave a brief surreptitious smile, then rushed out of the room with a dustpan full of glass shards.
“Do be careful with that. It is very old,” sighed Worthy.
“Seriously, Worthy? This is what started this whole thing?”
“I don’t know what you mean, Celestia.”
The group studied the scroll in Rarity’s aura. One side was the upper half of an antique painting- a portrait of some fancy-looking pony.
“Hmm. Rough Classical period. I don’t recognize the artist, or the subject,” Rarity said.
“That’s Dendross,” said Twilight. “He was a chronicler, historian, and genealogist. Something of a party animal, too. He was always getting invited to the big families’ big parties.”
Rarity flipped it over. The other side had what looked like a diagram.
“What’s that?” asked the dragon.
“The Wagoners’ family tree!” said Radish. “The top part of it, anyway.”
“The Wagoners like to brag that their lineage can be traced back to the founders of Equestria from all three tribes,” said Twilight.
“Oh, everypony claims they’re related to Equestria’s founders somehow. I don’t even think Celestia is,” said Radish.
“You don’t?” asked Twilight, surprised.
“So what’s it say?” asked the dragon.
The ponies, buffalo, and dragon gathered around to read the family tree.
“I have no idea who any of these ponies are. I see nothing about any of the founders here,” said Twilight.
“Son of a nag. Do you think that’s it?” asked Radish. “Willow was trying to hide that the Wagoners came from regular folk?”
“What’s that matter?” asked the dragon. “They’re rich anyway, right?”
“Yeah, but so are others in Canterlot. The only way to elevate yourself above the rest is to have more famous ancestors. I bet Fancy Pants’s ancestors stole this first, to use against the Wagoners.”
“Maybe they had it in a tug-of-war and it ripped!” suggested Sky. “The Pantses got away with the top half, which was the important part.”
“Oh, I hope we haven’t scandalized Fancy Pants,” said Rarity. “He’s ever so nice. And pays in advance.”
“You ponies fight over the dumbest things,” said the dragon.
“I’m in total agreement, great dragon,” said Radish.
“Staunch.”
“I’m sorry?”
“My name is Staunch.”
“Staunch, would you be willing to barter for this?”
“What do you got?”
Radish dumped out his saddlebags. Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy did the same. Sky laid down all she had. Staunch picked through the pile of mission gear and personal effects.
“Pretty lame, ponies.”
“We can get more!” said Radish. “The princess will pay top bit for it!”
“The low-class lady on your behind?”
“And my tribe can contribute!” said Sky. “We have gems. And I’ll throw in all of these you’d ever want!”
She pointed to the bag of jalapeño chews she had laid out. Staunch sniffed it. He snapped it up in his mouth.
“These are better than last time.”
“I’ve been making them spicier. I used to make them for Radish, who could only take so much.”
She smiled at Radish. Radish smiled back.
“Candy? Camping junk? This is what Celestia sends to bargain?” called out a mocking voice from behind.
They turned to see a large orange unicorn. He sneered at them.
Radish put himself between the unicorn and his friends.
“And you are?”
“Here for that,” he said, pointing at the scroll.
Radish looked at the landscape around them.
“If you’re looking for your friends, they have their hooves full helping the village deal with a little bad weather,” said the unicorn.
Off in the distance, a massive storm cloud loomed over the horizon, where the Black Bluff village sat.
“If you’ve hurt any of them…” growled Sky.
He ignored Sky. “Dragon, don’t waste your time with Celestia’s peons. They have nothing. My employers, on the other hoof, know how to reward.”
He held up a ruby. Radish didn’t know a thing about gems, but it looked huge, flawless, and priceless.
“And there’s more where this came from. All I ask for is that scroll.”
“So the Wagoners can hide away their unimpressive family tree?” asked Radish angrily.
“And that Willow murdered her own team to do the same?” asked Twilight.
“I’m not talking to you,” the unicorn. He walked past them, up to the dragon. Radish noted his cutie mark, a scarlet crosshair.
“So you’re the one been scrying and air-burning, huh? How’s it feel threatening children?”
The unicorn ignored him.
“What do you say?” he asked the dragon.
He held up the ruby to the dragon’s face. The dragon sniffed it. His expression turned sour.
“It’s fake.”
“What?”
“That’s rube’s ruby. What are you trying to pull here?”
He clawed a few steps closer toward the unicorn.
“That’s impossible! I had it appraised by three different ponies!”
“Did they even smell it? Lick it? It’s a good fake, if you’re trying to fool anyone but a dragon. These four just brought stuff, but at least it’s real stuff.”
“I didn’t know! Why would… oh, that bastard! Of course a Wagoner wouldn’t pay real money up front!”
“Notoriously stingy, right?” Staunch laughed. Sky laughed with him.
The unicorn snatched the document with his aura. “It doesn’t matter. I’m taking it. If Worthy really wants this, he can pay triple now. In real jewels!”
Staunch seethed, huffing out smoke. Radish, Sky, Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy froze in terror.
“Mister…” gasped Radish, “you just stole from a dragon’s hoard.”
The unicorn’s face fell. He took the scroll and ran.
Staunch turned to Sky and said, “Watch my cave,” then gave chase.
“Uh, okay,” said Sky.
“Come on, we have to save him!” said Radish and Twilight simultaneously. They nodded to each other.
The ponies bounded out of the cave after Staunch and his prey. Sky watched them go, then entered the cave.
Celestia put the half-parchment down on a table. She caught her reflection in an antique wall mirror. She straightened her crown.
“Thank you for dinner, Worthy. And the tour of your collection. You have a lovely home. Until we meet again.”
She began for the door.
“If you leave tonight,” warned Worthy, “I raise my price.”
She stopped and looked back. “Meaning?”
“Marriage, of course."
Celestia closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She shrugged at Worthy. “I’ve already got what I came for.”
Celestia left out the door. She descended the stairs. She found the maid emptying the trash can full of glass shards. She walked over to her and lowered her mouth to the maid’s ear.
“The palace has open staff positions. Come by tomorrow.”
The maid looked into the princess’s eyes. She shuddered in fright.
“He gets furious at staff who leave him. Furious at their families.”
Celestia frowned and drooped her ears.
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks anyway.”
Staunch landed on the ground before the orange unicorn with an earth-quaking stomp. The unicorn tucked the scroll away, and sparked up his horn. He blasted the dragon square in the chest.
Staunch looked at his marred scales. He raised a fist. The unicorn stumbled back and fell, shutting his eyes.
“Wait!” called Fluttershy.
She swooped in and put herself between Staunch and the thief.
“Why?” Staunch asked.
“Please, forgive him. He only acted out because he was frustrated over Worthy cheating him.”
“Don’t care. Gonna squish him.”
“Think about what he’s been through already. He was probably really excited about that ruby. He probably paraded it all over town, rubbing it in others’ faces, imagining all the things he’d buy… and now he learns that it’s a fake. He’s humiliated. He feels like an idiot. He’ll probably cry over it.”
Staunch looked at the unicorn. The unicorn nodded.
“And if we take him back to Canterlot, everyone else will know about how he got fooled. He’ll be miserable about it forever. If you squish him, you’d just be doing him a favor.”
“I’m fine doing him a favor.”
“But if you let us take the scroll back, the ones who sent him here will be humiliated, too.”
“Don’t care about them. Now, scoot aside, or you’ll get smushed too.”
“Now, what are they doin’ over there?” asked Applejack, peering through binoculars.
“It looks like Fluttershy’s trying to keep that dragon from crushing that guy?” said Pinkie Pie, looking into the wrong end of hers.
Spike belched out green fire, which formed a scroll with an “urgent” tag. He read it.
“Whoa! Look!” he said, showing them the scroll. “This could help them! We’ve got to get this to them!”
“Ain’t no ‘we’ about it, Spike,” said Applejack. “You remember what Radish said about dragons- seein’ a little’un would just make him madder.”
“He might go loco!” said Pinkie Pie.
“But-”
“No buts, sugar. I’ll get this to them.”
“Ugh, I’m just supposed to sit here?”
A peal of thunder split the air. Everyone turned in the direction of the Black Bluff village to see a massive storm brewing over it.
“We could use your help securing the village,” said Brazen. “I’ve never seen a storm that bad.”
“Right,” said Spike.
“I’ll help!” said Pinkie Pie.
“Alright,” said Applejack, tucking the message under her hat. “Winona, you go with ‘em. We’ll all meet you there, if we ain’t been squished.”
Celestia leaned forward in her office chair, cleaning her quill and replacing it to its stand. She turned her chair around and looked out her window. The sun was setting behind the mountain, casting a great pointed shadow over Canterlot, the palace, and the flat lands below. She sat back and looked at her cutie mark.
Forgive me, my old friend. I didn’t have the strength. Or the stomach.
She turned back to her desk. She pulled the papers from the top of her inbox. Spike had sent back a receipt from Radish earlier in the day, for a buckboard rental. Radish had included a note explaining his decision to rent a more expensive model with upgraded shocks, assuring her the terrain justified the extra cost. He also provided an update on more threats they received, and added a personal note asking her to use every precaution to stay safe.
She smiled. She approved the expense report, filed the threat update, and put the personal note in a box of keepsakes.
Staunch pushed Fluttershy out of his way. He picked the scroll off the unicorn’s body, and pressed his massive thumb down onto him, slowly crushing him into the dirt. The unicorn screamed.
“Wait! Stop!” called Twilight, reaching him. “Please don’t do this!”
“Think of the mess!” plead Rarity.
“Hold yer horses there!” hollered Applejack, loping up to the group. “We got sumthin’ you might find interestin’!”
She held up the letter. The dragon peered at it.
“Says here Princess Celestia found out this is all about some old scroll. I’m guessin’ it’s that one there? She’s willin’ to pay handsomely for it. She’ll even trade it for something called the ‘Rush Reeds Trove’.”
“The Rush Reeds Trove!?” gasped Rarity. “But she can’t!”
“Why not?” asked Staunch.
“Why, that’s the treasure her family commissioned for her in case she was ever kidnapped! It’s literally a princess’s bounty!”
“And speakin’ of bounties,” said Applejack, “she’s also put up hefty sums for the capture of any wrong-doers caught in this vicinity. They gotta be alive, though.”
Rarity read the note. “Sweet heavens, that’s a lot of zeroes. Mr. Staunch, together these would make your hoard the envy of dragonkind.”
“Bounty from a princess, and a bounty of a princess, huh?” Staunch looked at Radish. “Oh, yeah. You were chasing her tail. How did that work out?”
Twilight raised an eyebrow.
“She… wasn’t as impressed with me as I was hoping,” admitted Radish.
“That sucks. Did you come all the way back here trying to impress her?”
Twilight frowned. Radish looked at Staunch, then at all the ponies around him.
“No, this time I was helping friends.”
“What does that get you?”
Radish sat down and thought about it.
“A good night’s sleep, at least.”
Staunch peered at him. He laughed.
“Take the scroll and the guy, but send the rewards back anonymously. I don’t want anyone thinking I work for ponies.”
“You got it. Thank you, Staunch.”
They shook on it. Staunch took flight and headed back to his cave.
“He was going to squish me. Why wouldn’t you just let him?” the unicorn asked.
Radish pulled out hoof cuffs and a horn nullifying ring. The unicorn looked at them. He sat, holding up his hooves and tilting his horn toward Radish.
“See these? These are for Worthy Wagoner, if you testify against him,” Radish said.
The unicorn looked surprised.
“But he’s so powerful.”
“We’ve faced powerful villains before, Mister…” said Twilight.
“Angle Archer.”
“Mister Angle Archer. But would you rather return to Canterlot having failed him, without taking him out of power?”
“I… I think this could work. I know a lot more about him than he knows I know. I’m his Security Chief. He had me scry all of you at one point or another. But I scried him a few times, too, and I’ve got more than a little dirt on him.”
“All right,” said Radish. “That only leaves that pegasus.”
“Oh… uh oh. He’s still at the village, being my distraction.”
The group turned to look at the village. The mountain of dark clouds over it were putting the entire village in shadow.
“Come on, then.”
An angry wind whipped through the village. The buffalo and Spike were rushing to take down and tie down what they could. Pinkie Pie was trying to lift the spirits of the youths with a hastily-improvised puppet show.
Blasts of static electricity impacted the ground, throwing up sprays of dirt. Radish looked skyward. The pegasus was twirling in the air, summoning ball lightning and hurling it down.
“Call him off!” yelled Radish.
“Foo Fighter! Stand down!” cried Angle Archer. Foo Fighter couldn’t hear him. Lightning struck the ground around Radish’s group, and they hit the dirt.
Radish got his binoculars on Foo Fighter. He was weaving erratically as a trail of rainbow hounded him. Rainbow Dash was engaging him in a dogfight.
He hurled lightning at her, and she dodged it, bucking chunks of sopping wet clouds at him.
He ducked inside a thundercloud, and Rainbow Dash spun around it, wringing it apart. He wasn’t inside it. He appeared behind her. He zapped her with ball lightning, and she fell. Fluttershy caught her, but she wriggled from her grip and blasted up back at him.
“Rainbow Dash! Wait! The static!” cried Fluttershy.
As Rainbow Dash sped toward Foo Fighter, she hit a curtain of sizzling electricity. She twitched and fell. Fluttershy snagged her again, and yelped in pain as static jumped into her fur. Twilight caught them with her aura and landed them safely.
“Ugh! Sorry, Mission Leader,” said Rainbow Dash, shaking herself dry. “He’s put up an electric field. I can’t get close.”
Twilight stared into the sky, trying to get a bead on him. She tried to blind-fire a couple of beams in the air, but hit nothing.
“What do we do?” she asked Radish.
Radish looked skyward and quickly ran through all his available assets.
“Okay, we have to lure him down. Give me the scroll. Fluttershy, get all the allied birds you can find to set up a perimeter. Twilight and Rarity, get your auras on him the second you see him and then… what’s that?”
A blaze of luminescence streaked across the sky. It plunged into the cloud nearest Foo Fighter. The cloud flashed a dizzying display of light. Foo Fighter lost control and tripped over his own ball lightning, which fried his back and singed his feathers. He plunged out of the sky.
“Someone catch him!” called Radish.
A purple aura flowed over him, slowing his fall with calculated precision. He landed gently on the ground in front of Radish. Rainbow Dash pounced on him and pinned him down.
“What is that?” asked Twilight, shielding her eyes from the glowing cloud.
“That’s Light Fantastic, Twilight.”
Light Fantastic swooped down and landed in front of the group. Radish galloped up to her and hugged her.
“Honey! You’re safe! You came!”
“Sorry I’m late. I missed the train. Then I tried to fly here. Then the train tracks forked, so I got lost. Then I started getting loopy in the desert. Then I saw smoke, so I figured it was coming from that dragon. But then I saw this fight, and thought I should do something. He was the bad guy, right?”
“Sure was. Friends… this is Light Fantastic. My girlfriend.”
They kissed. The others let out a collective aww .
“Uh, guys? Look,” said Twilight.
Radish broke the kiss and looked skyward. The ball lightning Foo Fighter had tripped on was now lodged in the radiant cloud Light Fantastic had made. They both crackled and pulsed with red and black arcs of lightning.
“Uh, Light Fantastic? That wouldn’t happen to be a prism pulsar you made up there, would it?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Uh, yeah? It’s my talent. I’ve been making them since I was a kid.”
“And you,” Rainbow Dash said, looking at Foo Fighter, “was that ball lightning set on autonomous current?”
“Yes? So what?”
“Have none of you worked weather jobs before!? Those are oppositely-charged atmospheric elements in a zero-humidity environment south of the nineteenth parallel!” Rainbow Dash howled.
All eyes looked at her. She looked at the rest as if they were idiots.
“She means it’s going to explode really big,” explained Fluttershy.
“Oh, crap,” said Foo Fighter.
“Oh, crap,” said Light Fantastic.
“How do we stop it?” asked Radish.
“I can take it apart,” said Light.
She aimed herself at the weather disaster. Radish jumped on her.
“No! That thing will fry you! Twilight?”
“I… uh… okay! How about an ice spell to draw off its energy?”
“NO!” howled Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
“The shock would detonate it!” cried Rainbow Dash. “It needs to be heated slowly to dissipate its superstructure!”
All eyes turned to Spike, who was already marching forward determinedly.
“All right, stand back!”
He took a deep breath, and blew a wide green flame up at the monster cloud system. The fire filled the sky over the village. Radish couldn’t see what was going on above them. The air heated. All backed away.
“Chief!” called Radish. “You gotta evacuate the whole village! I’ll take full responsibility for what happens here!”
Chief Shortshadow looked skyward and squinted.
“You don’t think the dragon can do it?” he asked.
Radish looked at Spike. After blowing flame too long without taking a breath, he stopped to gasp for air.
“Did it work?” he asked between breaths.
Everyone looked up. The weather abomination was still there, pulsing angrily.
“Sorry, Chief. Y’all need to leave now. We’ll help any way we can.”
“No, I meant that dragon,” Chief Shortshadow said, pointing.
“What?” asked Radish, looking up.
A new flame roasted the skies. A searing orange wave of fire spread from the south, enveloping the monster cloud. All heads turned to find its source.
Staunch was hovering over the village with Sky on his head. He blew a maelstrom of flames from his mouth.
“Whoo hoo!” Sky called. “Get that thing!”
With a hiss of water vapor and a snap of static, the monster cloud was no more. Staunch landed in the village and let Sky down to the ground. Everyone present rushed to hug both of them, cheering and whooping.
“That was some mighty fine flaming, Staunch!” said Radish. “You saved us all!”
“Maybe now I’ll sleep better,” he said, shrugging.
He caught sight of Spike, who was gazing up at him in awe.
“Hey, whose kid is this? Are you one of Coke’s?”
“I don’t know,” said Spike. “Am I?”
Staunch shrugged.
“Probably not. None of his kids could blow a burn that big at your age.”
Spike gasped in joy.
Radish walked over to Foo Fighter, who was cradling his wing and surrounded by buffalo.
“Look, mister. Your pals were caught on neutral land. They’ve agreed to help us take down Worthy Wagoner. But you attacked the Black Bluff’s homes and were caught on their land.”
Chief Shortshadow stomped closer to him.
“That means you face our justice,” he said.
Foo Fighter gulped. “What does that entail?”
“You don’t want to know.”
Foo Fighter inched back.
“But, if you help out Radish here, maybe I can turn you over to his custody.”
“I’ll do it! I know plenty of Worthy’s dirty laundry. I was his launderer!”
“His money launderer?” Radish asked.
“No, the clothes kind. I’ve always been good with static electricity. Everything I wash comes out static-free! Worthy had me train to weaponize it. He weaponizes the special talents of a lot of his employees.”
“Why would you work for someone like that?” Chief Shortshadow asked.
“He said he saw a greater potential in my talent. He said I was destined for something more than folding his towels.”
Sky stepped forth.
“You know, I thought Radish here was destined for something greater. I was right, but that destiny turned out to be something different from what I was expecting. His destiny was helping others. Your destiny can be in helping others, too, if you let it.”
Foo Fighter nodded.
“I’ll help clean up the mess I made here. Then I’ll tell you what I know about Worthy.”
“Works for me,” said Shortshadow.
“What does buffalo justice entail?” Twilight whispered to Radish.
“Community service,” Radish whispered back. “I crossed them once, and did chores here for weeks. Sky teased me the whole time.”
Light Fantastic nervously walked up to Sky.
“So, you’re Sky? I mean, Skies Above. Uh, how do you do?” she said, awkwardly half-bowing. “I’m sorry I nearly wiped out your civilization with a cloud. Whoa, never thought I’d say that.”
“You must be Light Fantastic! So glad to meet you! That was so cool! Do you hug?”
“Hug? Uh, yes?”
Sky hugged her. Light gasped for breath.
“Don’t worry about the cloud,” Sky said. “We’re good.”
“Great.”
Sky leaned into Light’s ear. “Radish mentioned you in his letters. I’m real glad he found you. He spent years moping over Celestia.”
“I know. And she’s not even that hot.”
“Too skinny, right?”
“And a total tease.”
“But she has good taste in Mission Leaders.”
They separated.
“Sky, would you like to hang out in Canterlot with us sometime?”
“That'd be great. But not anytime soon. We have a lot to do here.” Sky looked up at Staunch, who had been staring down at her. “Oh, mighty Staunch. Thank-”
“So what are you up to, now?” the dragon asked her.
“Oh, me? I was going to make a batch of candy to reward all my new friends. And maybe some for these enemies-turned-friends. And you, of course!”
“Can I watch?”
“You want to learn how to make candy?”
“I’d pay for the lesson. How about that tiara you were eyeing in my hoard?”
“Oh, wow! You got it! Come on, I’ll show you how to pick out ingredients!”
Radish watched her lead him off. He smiled.
Chief Shortshadow walked up to him. “Radish, about my meeting with Celestia…”
“It’s not my business.”
“It is. She was worried for your wellbeing. She was afraid you’d joined the Plains Rangers to isolate yourself, or maybe even seek a quick end by dragon.”
“I did join to isolate myself. I was never looking to die out here, though. What did you tell her?”
“That you made friends here. And she said that made her happy.”
“She’s a nice old girl,” said Light Fantastic, walking up to Radish and draping her hoof over his shoulder.
“Yeah, she is,” said Radish. “And I have just the gift for her.”
Princess Celestia hummed as she carefully straightened a framed half of a family tree in the palace’s most popular art gallery. Worthy Wagoner burst in through the closest double doors.
“Celestia! I must ask that this Wagoner family heirloom be returned to its rightful home at once!”
“Oh, Worthy, dear. I’ve already sent the original canvas to your home, where I assumed you’d like it reunited with its other half. This is a museum-quality replica I had commissioned. It’s accurate down to the last detail.”
“And you’re going to… display it? Here?”
“Yes, as part of a display detailing the Black Bluffs’ discoveries about the Storm Centurions. Lieutenant Root will be credited too, of course. Quite a macabre tale they’ve uncovered.”
“Oh?”
“I didn’t know Willow very well back then, so I’m not sure why she would massacre her comrades over such a silly little thing. It hardly seems worth it.”
“A massacre, you say? Willow? Surely not.”
“The findings are being published as we speak.”
“By a desert tribe? I think some historians at the Royal Museum of History might dispute their interpretation of the evidence.”
“Oh, you haven’t heard? A number of those museum officials are under investigation now. It seems they’ve been rather lax in their fact-checking. Some of the history they present regarding Willow has been found to be shockingly inaccurate, possibly even biased.”
“Is that so? You know, a lot of young ponies look up to Willow. Some even enter your Guard hoping to be like her. It would be a shame if you suffered a guard shortage due to some mere fact-checking.”
“It’s worth considering that she might end up more popular as a villain than as a hero. Ponies do so love a good villain- I hear Fancy Pants is already commissioning a play about his ancestor’s theft of your family tree.”
“Is he, now?”
“I’ve known a few good villains myself.” She glared down at Worthy. “And a few lousy ones.”
“Now, Celestia, pettiness is unbecoming.”
“I need you to understand that Light Fantastic is a friend of mine. And I am fiercely protective of my friends, whether they live in Canterlot, Ponyville, or the Everfree Forest.”
“What are you insinuating?”
“You should also understand that there is a new power rising in Equestria- one that eclipses all others, even mine. Those who fail to understand it will find themselves the most impoverished of all.”
“Let me guess,” he said, laughing. “Friendship? Really now, that’s childish.”
“But its absence is often as powerful as its presence. For example, if an employer pays his employees with fake gems, those employees may be more friendly to the ones who saved them, than to the boss who cheated them. They might be friendly to the Justice Department, as well- who are, in turn, quite friendly to those who expose corruption in the system.”
“You seem to be babbling, Celestia. Perhaps it’s best if I took my leave.”
“My thoughts exactly. Captain?”
All the doors of the gallery flung open. Barrel Roller entered the room flanked by Radish and Spats. More guards swarmed in from the other doorways and surrounded Worthy, weapons drawn.
“Thank you for coming out to the palace today, Worthy,” said Celestia. “It makes this a lot simpler.”
“Worthy Wagoner,” said Barrel Roller, “you’re under arrest for racketeering, conspiracy against an allied nation, espionage against Plains Ranger operations, harassment of a scientific venture, counterfeit gem trade, corruption of museum officials, bribery of Watch officers, bribery of municipal judges, and tax evasion.”
“Tax evasion? Really?” asked Celestia.
“Yeah. Lots of it,” said Barrel Roller.
“I’ll speak to no one but my lawyer,” Worthy said.
“Okay, that’s the second part of this spiel. You have the right to remain silent…”
As Barrel Roller continued, Radish locked eyes with Worthy. Radish kept a bored expression, and a hoof on the hilt of his sword. Worthy’s face betrayed no emotion, either.
“…do you understand the rights I have just read to you?”
“Perfectly.”
“Uh huh.”
Barrel Roller slapped a magic-nullifying ring on his horn and locked cuffs on his hooves. He looked at them with disdain. Barrel Roller saluted Celestia, then she and the rest of the guards led Worthy out. Celestia motioned for Radish to stay behind.
“A centibit for your thoughts, Radish.”
“I can’t help but notice she’s perp-walking him through the tourist areas.”
“A captain’s prerogative. Congratulations on a successful mission, lieutenant.”
“I didn’t do it alone.”
“That’s because you’re never alone.”
“You know, having the full backing of your crown made me feel powerful. But having the backing of so many friends? That was reassuring.”
“Why, lieutenant, it sounds like you’ve learned a lesson.”
“Oh? Then, I’ll put it how you like to hear it: Dear Princess Celestia, This experience taught me that I shouldn’t be afraid to call upon my friends, even when I think I’m protecting them by keeping them at a distance. There are always dangers to face, but I’m not doing anyone a favor by facing them alone. ”
Celestia giggled. “That’s a fair approximation of Twilight’s intonation.”
“Heh. Yeah. Think the charges on Worthy will stick?”
“His co-conspirators have been very forthcoming, and we will be adjusting their punishments accordingly. Till Tipper only obeyed him out of fear for Twilight and her family. Angle Archer was promised a position in the Wagoner’s hierarchy that didn’t actually exist. Foo Fighter was simply a young and impressionable employee. And they were all paid in counterfeit jewels.”
“Why? He has plenty of real ones. Even the dragon was willing to barter some of its hoard fair and square.”
“You’d be surprised how often those who have the most, are willing to part with the least. In spheres where loyalty is bought and sold, respect has no value.”
“I guess you were right- I only ever win when my enemy makes a mistake.”
“I did accuse you of that, Radish, and I apologize. The lesson I’ve learned is that it’s only when a pony has enough training, brains, and guts, that an enemy’s mistakes become exploitable.”
“Aww, thanks. You exploited his as well, didn’t you?”
Celestia smiled and walked up to the replica family tree.
“Had we sent the Watch to arrest Worthy, his friends on the force could have sabotaged the bust. But by coming onto palace grounds, he was walking right into Guard jurisdiction. His cronies won’t be able to interfere. All I had to do was bait him with something he truly, desperately desired.”
“I heard what you said to him about Light. Thank you for standing up for her, princess.”
"I don't tolerate threats to my friends.”
“Oh, uh, princess? The treasury department raided the Wagoner estate to find the source of his fake jewels. That’s still a mystery, but they found a big empty vault. And there are rumors about what was kept in it.”
“Yes, I saw it.”
“He legitimately owns it, doesn’t he? It’s not a crime we can bust him for. We can’t get it back.”
“That’s correct.”
“I’m sorry, princess. That’s awful.”
“I want all the world to have access to all of the sun, and that can’t happen while even a sliver of it is held captive. I hate that the world is less bright than it should be. It pains me, Radish. So much so that I was even prepared to let him… have me for it.”
“Oh… I see.”
“How do you feel about that?”
Radish looked into her eyes. “If you had… well, that’s your business. As your guard, I know every decision you make is for the greater good of Equestria.”
“What about as my friend?”
“As your friend? I’d… feel unhappy on your behalf. But I’d stand by your choices. I wouldn’t lose an ounce of respect for you.”
“And what about as a former admirer yourself? As the little boy who desired the same thing Worthy does?”
Radish looked down at the floor. “That little boy is still trying to grow up, ma’am. I hope he doesn’t turn out like Worthy.”
Celestia shook her head. “He won’t.”
“I promise you, we’ll find a way to free that piece of the sun, legally. We could make it public, put pressure on the Wagoner family, organize boycotts of their businesses…”
“Let me worry about it. The important thing is that I did manage to liberate something far more valuable from his mansion.”
“Oh?”
Celestia pointed to a maid trotting along with a feather duster. Radish had never seen her before.
“Good morning, princess. Good morning, lieutenant,” she said, bowing her head.
“Hi, I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure,” said Radish, bowing back. “I’m Lieutenant Radish Root.”
“I know. I’m Curtsey Blush,” she said, curtsying and blushing. “I’m new here. My previous employer suddenly let a lot of staff go, so the princess was kind enough to take us all on.”
“Welcome to the palace.”
“Thank you! This place is wonderful. It’s so well-lit! And everyone’s been so nice.”
“We’re all one big family here,” said Radish. “If you ever need anything, just say so.”
“There’s nothing more important than family. Thank you, lieutenant. For everything.”
She trotted away to her duties, smiling and humming.
“So you did brighten the world,” said Radish.
“We did. And we’re only getting started.”
Big Macintosh heard three knocks on the fruit cellar doors- one slow and two fast. He unlocked the doors, pitchfork at the ready. Applejack was at the top of the stairs with Winona. She barked and ran up to him. He petted her.
“Howdy, big bro! Danger’s passed. We nabbed the outlaws and put the ringleader in the hoosegow. How have things been down here?”
“Boring!” shouted Scootaloo. “Next time my life is in danger, I’m taking my chances with the mercenaries!”
“And would it have killed you to put in a bathroom down here?” bemoaned Sweetie Belle. “We had to… improvise .” She shuddered.
“Well, some of us appreciate working remotely,” said Mayor Mare. “I’ve just finished finalizing a draft of a proposal for a motion for an ordinance!”
“And Zecora here’s taught me a new potion!” said Apple Bloom. “It reveals if a jewel is real or not!”
“It is quite a useful tool, to keep one from being a fool,” said Zecora proudly.
“Granny? You okay?” asked Applejack. She saw her granny rousing from sleep in her chair. “Great. Everyone come on up. I brought home some genuine buffalo candy.”
The group trotted up the stairs into the sunlight.
“What were the buffalo like?” asked Scootaloo.
“Did you see the dragon?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“How is Mr. Root?” asked Apple Bloom.
“The buffalo were swell folk. Dragon stuff is classified. And Radish is fine and dandy. He’s takin’ his gal on some well-deserved R’n’R.”
Radish Root and Light Fantastic snuggled on Light’s couch and clinked wine glasses.
“Here’s to a successful mission,” he said.
“And here’s to bringing down a rich bastard and his dirty cop friends!” said Light. “That’ll earn you a few free drinks in this neighborhood.”
They drank from their glasses. Light leaned into Radish.
“Sky was nice,” said Light.
“Yeah.”
“And really pretty.”
“Yeah."
“Did you two say everything you wanted to say to each other?”
“Yes. Before, we left on kind of an ambiguous note, so it felt good to get everything out into the open.”
“Did you see kind of a spark between her and Staunch?”
“So it wasn’t just my imagination.”
“You should be flattered- you set such a high bar for her, she had to go dragon. I’m glad I got to thank her in person.”
“Thank her for what?”
“For kicking you out of the plains and into my life.”
“Well, she thought she was sending me into Celestia’s waiting hooves.”
“Nah. She knew Celestia’s hooves wouldn’t be waiting for you. She knew somepony else’s were.”
Radish held Light tightly. “Then I really owe her. Because you’re the treasure I’ve always been searching for.”
“You are such a dork.” She kissed him. “Never change.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish nervously knocked on the door of his captain’s office.
“Come in,” she called from the other side.
Radish entered. Barrel Roller had redecorated Shining Armor’s old office with her own belongings, mostly medals and photos. The fern was still there. Barrel Roller was leaning back in her chair, while Saguaro Shade was leaning against the desk.
“You wanted to see me, ma’am?”
“Have a seat, Root.”
Radish sat down.
“Root,” said Barrel Roller, leaning forward, “you know what I hate more than anything?”
“Paperwork?”
“Well, that’s a close second. But what I hate more than paperwork is a pony who thinks they’re above everyone else. A pony who thinks the rules don’t apply to them.”
“Ma’am, I followed procedure to the letter on the mission!”
“She doesn’t mean you, Root,” said Saguaro Shade, chuckling.
“Yeah,” said Barrel Roller. “I mean the smarmy bastard I marched into Secure Holding. I never liked that Worthy Wagoner. You know the day I was promoted, he put an editorial in the paper saying I was too ‘hotheaded and shortsighted’ to be captain?”
“I saw that, ma’am,” said Radish. “I wrote a letter expressing my disagreement… but they didn’t print it.”
“The point is, you did good out there. You helped our allies, you put a nasty piece of work away, and you rewrote a page or two of the history books. You even filled out your mission report pretty well.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
She reached into her desk drawer and placed a flat box on her desk. “You remember what Celestia said about how you just keep failing upward?”
“Barry, no jokes now,” sighed Saguaro Shade.
“I wasn’t. Root, today you’ve succeeded upward. This has been under consideration for a while, but your performance on the mission cinched it.”
She opened the box. Inside was an insignia for the rank of major- the rank immediately above lieutenant.
Radish stared. “Ma’am? Sir?”
“Congratulations, Major Root,” said Barrel Roller.
“Major?”
“It means ‘big’, Root,” said Saguaro Shade. “As in, a big pain in the flank for Equestria’s enemies.”
“I don’t know what to say,” said Radish. “Except, thank you. I’m honored.”
"But this doesn’t mean you can rest on your laurels,” said Barrel Roller. “More will be expected of you than ever before. More paperwork, too.”
“I understand. I’ll do you proud, Barry.”
“Call me that again, and you’re back to a lieutenant.”
“Sorry, captain.”
Curtsey Blush led Radish down a brightly-lit hallway. She stopped in front of a door and opened it, revealing a furnished apartment.
“So, here it is,” she said. She led him inside.
Radish gazed around the room. "This is for me? To live in?"
“That’s right. It’s the standard private quarters for a major. Housekeeping is on Wednesdays-”
“Sorry, what?” interrupted Radish. “You’ll be cleaning in here?”
“Me or another maid. We can’t have our majors spending their valuable time dusting blinds, after all.”
Radish opened a side door to reveal a bathroom. He walked in and stared dumbfounded at himself in the mirror above the sink.
“Uh, major? Are you okay?”
“I’ve… I’ve never had my own bathroom before.”
She smiled. “I see. This one,” she said, opening a rear door, “is your bedroom. If the pillows aren’t to your liking-”
Radish entered the bedroom. He stifled a gasp.
“I’m guessing you’ve never had a bed this big before?” she asked.
Radish nodded.
“I figured that, since you’re dating, you’d appreciate a mattress large enough for two.”
Radish put his hoof on the bed. “I can finally ask Light, ‘Your place or mine?’ I have a place that’s mine .”
“You’ve earned it. I’ll let you make yourself at home. Have a nice day, Major Root.”
She curtseyed and left the apartment. Radish lay down on the bed. The mattress was firm. The room was warm and quiet. He stretched out and sighed contentedly.
He opened his eyes to see Luna staring down at him.
“Gah!”
“Radish! I have just heard the news! Congratulations, major! ”
“Oh, uh, thank you.” He looked around. Luna was standing next to his bed, and the bedroom around them looked discolored and askew. “Is this a dream?”
“Indeed. I could not wait to tell you how proud of you I am! Of course, as my Champion, your station already exceeded any conventional rank. But it is nice that you are being materially rewarded for your achievements, just the same.”
Radish sat up. “Princess… can we talk?”
“About the purloined sun shard?”
Radish nodded. Luna sat down next to him.
“Celestia insists that it is her burden alone,” she sighed. “She is quite stubborn when it comes to the sun. She tells me she has a plan, but she has not been forthcoming with specifics. For my part, I have met with the Wagoner family, and they claim they possess no such thing. They could be keeping it anywhere now.”
“There must be something we can do to make them give it back. The castle’s press office could put out a statement-”
“I think it is best not to take the matter public. If ponies knew how easily a piece of the sun could be stolen without Celestia realizing, many more will attempt to claim shards of their own.”
“That would be bad,” agreed Radish. “Princess Luna… my deed to the Sea of Omens- it’s not the same, is it?”
Luna shook her head. “No. Your parcel of the moon was gladly gifted, not secretly stolen. The moon’s greatness is only enhanced by association with you.”
“Aww, thank you, Princess Luna. I had this idea about- ow!”
Radish opened his eyes. Light Fantastic was laying in his bed next to him, digging an elbow into his side.
“Oh. Hey, Fan.”
“Hey, you,” she said, “I just stopped by to see your new place. And I found you talking to Luna in your sleep. Was she barging into your dreams again?”
“It’s not what you think. We were talking about work stuff.”
“If they make you work in your sleep, you should get paid overtime.”
“I’ll bring that up. What do you think of my new pad? Pretty swanky, right?”
“Yeah, swanky.” She snuggled into him. “Congrats, Rad.”
“Thanks. I feel like such a grownup.”
“I’ve never dated a guy who was actually going somewhere in life. I feel like I’m growing up, too.” She pulled his face close. “So… wanna do something really grownup?”
Radish grinned. “Your place or mine?”
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Celestia strolled down a sidewalk in Midtown Canterlot. She stopped in front of Cat’s Howl and pushed open the door, making the bell hanging above it clang out loudly. Light Fantastic popped up from behind the counter.
“Whoa, princess! Welcome!”
“Hello, Miss Fantastic. I’m here to pick up my poster.”
“Aw, you could’ve had it delivered.”
“I don’t get to the cultural district much these days. I wanted to feel the vibe, as they say.”
“Midlo is a great part of town. Lots to see. Lots to buy, as well,” she said, gesturing around her store.
“It’s called ‘Midlo’ now?”
“‘The Midtown Canterlot Arts and Entertainment District’ was always a mouthful.”
Light passed her a cardboard tube. Celestia opened it and pulled out the poster inside. She examined it, smiling.
A small leaflet that had been clinging to the back of the poster fell to the floor. Celestia lifted it up to look. It was an advertisement for an upcoming line of merchandise based on Radish’s and Celestia’s bout, including T-shirts, mugs, stickers, and figurines.
“Oh, my. How did that get in there?” Light asked with insincere innocence.
“Seriously, Light? How much more are you going to milk those ten minutes?”
“Ponies have been clamoring for it! You know, there’s a ton of Celestia merchandise out there, but it’s all of you being regal and elegant. Now that everypony knows you’re a scrapper, they want to see you in action poses! Princess Pain taking on all comers!”
“Do I get a cut of this?”
“You’re a public figure. And Princess Pain is a legally distinct parody. So, no.”
“Does Radish?”
“You mean, Nightmare Root? No, but he gets a slice of me .”
“These other characters…”
“Yeah, I expanded the line. We’ve got fighter versions of everyone in the works! Eclipsa, the Moon Mistress! Jumble, the Mixed-up Monster! The Big Black Bug! And Shadowfall, the Tragic King. Lots of interest in that one- some ladies really love a bad boy. Not us, though, right?” she said with a wink.
“What about Twilight and her friends?”
“Oh, nopony really buys stuff of the Pastelles. They’re just too wholesome, I guess.”
“The Pastelles?”
“It’s, uh, kind of their nickname around Midlo. On account of them being, you know, a bunch of pastel girly girls.”
“I see. Perhaps they’ll broaden their appeal someday.”
She rerolled the poster and leaflet, and put them back in the tube. She slung it over her back.
“Good day, Light Fantastic. I enjoy our encounters.”
“Wait! Before you go, I had something else for you. A gift.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“I think it is. See, I was thinking about what you said about Rad’s cutie mark. How you find it insulting.”
“Please, Light. I feel bad about that.”
“No, you were being honest. But I think the reason it seems insulting is because there’s no context. It’s just one frozen image of him, eternally taking you from behind.”
Celestia sighed, and waited for her to continue.
“But what if there’s more to the story? What if that’s just one moment out of a long, beautiful encounter? So I made this!”
She slapped a homemade comic book on the counter. Celestia looked over her shoulder, then approached it.
“See?” said Light, showing her the pages. “It’s you and Rad. Making love. ”
“Really, now, Light. There is such a thing as going too far.”
“No, look. Now, there’s a whole romantic evening leading up to the two of you acting out the mark. There’s dinner, conversation, dancing, and in the end, you cuddle. And you're the big spoon, princess. It was never about him dominating you, it’s about mutual, loving exploration of each other’s passions. It’s the context that the cutie mark is missing.”
Celestia stared at the comic. She flipped through the pages, then turned to the end. It depicted her and Radish snuggling in bed. They whispered sweet nothings to each other before drifting off to sleep.
“What do you think?” asked Light.
“You’re a talented artist, Light Fantastic.”
“You do like it!”
“This is one of the oddest gifts I have ever received. I appreciate what you’ve done here. And yes, it puts Radish’s cutie marks in a much more agreeable context.”
“That’s great!” she said, slipping the comic into a brown paper bag.
“This is the only copy, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Does Radish know about this?”
“Oh, he’d freak out if he knew.”
“Let’s keep it between us girls, then.”
“Sure.”
“Have a nice day, Miss Fantastic.”
“See ya when I see ya, ‘stia.”
Celestia reached the door and opened it. She turned her head back.
“Oh, and do take care of Radish. I have a feeling his life is about to get a great deal more complicated.”
Celestia walked out the door. Light Fantastic sat back on her stool.
“Now, what could she mean by that?”
A flush came from the bathroom in the back of the store. Splash Page trotted out. Light looked at him. He looked at Light.
“Was that really the only copy?”
“Get out of here.”
Light Fantastic set a mug of coffee in front of Radish, then sat next to him at her kitchen table.
“So, Underglaze said the new installation is almost up. Took them long enough," she said.
“They used migratory birds to build it,” noted Radish. “Of course it takes long when your workforce is gone half the year.”
“That’s art, baby.”
A wisp of smoke seeped into Light Fantastic’s kitchen. It coalesced into a scroll, and Light caught it with a wing.
“Hey, you got a dragon mail. Uh, it’s marked ‘urgent’.”
“Let me see that.”
Radish unfurled it and read.
“Let me guess,” scoffed Light, leaning back with her mug. “The Purple Squirt’s friends not getting along again? ‘Dear Radish, Rainbow Jack said the awful-est thing to Pinker Fly. How will we ever save the world again without our constant sing-alongs? You’re the only one I can ever write to because I don’t have a boyfriend of my own.’ ”
“Mmm. Mmm hmm,” Radish said, reading the scroll.
“Well?”
“Fanny… it’s Twilight. She… she…”
“What?”
“Twilight just became a princess! ”
“Whoa, she got married? Eloped with… who’s a prince… Blueblood? Weird pair, but I don’t judge.”
“No. She invented new magic and turned into an alicorn.”
“Oh, come on.”
“She’s got wings now.”
“You can do that?”
“And she’s going to be crowned soon. In the palace.”
“Is this an invitation? Do we get VIP seats? Free champagne?”
“She’s saying Barrel Roller is adamant that security will be adequate. But Shining Armor insists on bringing in Crystal Empire guards for the coronation…”
“Big surprise. Throwing his big floppy authority around.”
“But she wants to know if I have any suggestions for improving the main tower’s security, like I did at Luna’s. She could pass them along to the right ponies.”
“Aw, she’s a nice kid. That would be a big deal if you could.”
“Yeah. The main tower is huge. It’s ancient. It’s busy all day, every day. And four princesses will be inside at one time.”
He put down the scroll. He got a far-off look on his face.
“Honey, you know Shining and Barrel will never listen to your suggestions, even coming from Twilight.”
“By ‘the right ponies’, she meant AG1.”
“The Pastelles?”
“They’re not the ditzes everypony thinks they are. They’re taking major roles in the preparations. They have free rein of the palace and a lot of latitude.”
“So?”
“Nah, nevermind. There’s no way the main tower has any security issues. Celestia’s worked there for a thousand years. She hasn’t ruled that long by being careless. And four princesses mean it’s the safest place in the world- no one’s going to mess with that kind of power. Although…”
“Although?”
“I’ve always hated the sight lines around the base. Most buildings at the palace are really big, round, and crowded together. A lot of the perimeter of that tower is obscured from a lot of angles. The kitchen door on the ground floor is constantly left open with nobody inside…”
“Why?”
“The garlic smell.”
He grabbed some paper and a pencil. He started sketching the tower’s floor plans.
“And those colonnades. They’re so easy to hide in. There’s no checkpoints along them. Somepony could just run or fly right down them.”
“How long have you been thinking about this?”
“Since the wedding. The balcony floor is nice and isolated, but the floor right below, that’s the throne room. It’s huge and open. Under that is Celestia’s office. It’s also huge. There’s air ducts in these walls that pass through those three floors…”
“How could you possibly know that?”
“It’s in the Guard book. No one’s watching the office during a coronation, and it has a lock that Celestia opens with her horn.”
“So, nopony else can get in there?”
“No, it has a backup keyhole. It’s nonmagical, and it’s centuries old…”
Radish looked down at everything he had drawn.
“Somepony could slip in the kitchen, sneak through the colonnades, pick the lock to her office, get up through the ducts, and come out through the vents on the roof above the balcony where the four princesses will be.”
“Rad, I know you dig this spycraft stuff, but if you bring that to your bosses, they’re going to say you’ve been watching too many movies.”
“Fine. It’s just a thought.”
Radish lay prone on a parapet tower balcony. He focused his binoculars on the palace’s main tower.
Why is this taking so long?
He looked at the vent on the roof. No change. He looked at the balcony below it. He could make out Celestia and Luna inside. He didn’t have an angle on Twilight, but he could tell from the roar of the crowd inside and the start of a song that she had just been crowned.
Good on you, Twilight. And here they come.
Celestia and Luna led the newly-crowned Princess Twilight Sparkle to the balcony. She waved, not looking too nervous. Celestia whispered something to her, and Twilight started a speech. She waved her five friends onto the balcony with her.
No, not them. Don’t put all the eggs on one balcony.
Almost every important pony in Equestria was now within ten meters of each other. If anyone was going to attack, now would be the time. He tensed up, scanning the roof, the windows, then random points of interest in the environs.
He looked across the cheering crowd. He changed position and looked at the other towers, then glassed the sky for oncoming flying threats. No changeling swarm this time. No rogue dragon popping in for a pony roast.
Shining Armor should’ve thrown up his shield. This whole thing was reckless.
He looked back down. The princesses were just now moving back in. He breathed for the first time in five minutes. His heartbeat returned to normal.
He looked in the windows of the main room. He could see the throng inside slowly filtering out. Twilight was now fully visible through one of the windows. She turned her head right in Radish’s direction. She made a series of covert hoof gestures, then continued on.
It was Plains Rangers signal code. The gestures meant, in order, “all clear”, “thank you”, and “come to me”.
Twilight, you little nerd. You should have been way too busy to memorize those.
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Celestia entered Secure Holding, a rarely-used facility of the palace. It had last been host to Worthy Wagoner, until he was transferred to a prison off of Manehattan Island to await international court. Today it was busier than it had been in a long time. Barrel Roller met her princess in the front foyer.
“Captain.”
“Princess. I’m sorry to say we had security breaches during the coronation. Three ponies tried to sneak up to the balcony during the ceremony.”
“That’s troubling. But seeing as how this is the first I’m aware of it, I commend you for stopping them quickly and quietly.”
“You might want to hold off on the commendations. Guards had little to do with it. Come on, I’ll show you.”
She led Celestia down a hallway lined with one-way mirrors. They stopped in front of one. Inside an interrogation room, a unicorn mare was seated in cuffs across from Shining Armor. She was dressed in a kitchen staff uniform. Barrel Roller read from a clipboard.
“Her name is Lemon Drops. We found her passed out in the kitchen.”
“Passed out?”
“Apparently she ran full tilt through the outside door, which was propped open, then at the inner door. But the inner door was blocked on the other side by a misplaced apple crate. She bonked her head and got knocked out.”
“And the uniform?”
“Looks homemade. Convincing work, too. But it’s the wrong uniform. The kitchen staff was wearing brand new outfits today- guess she didn’t get that memo.”
Inside the room, Shining Armor looked at Lemon Drops with disgust.
“Lemon Drops, what were you doing in the kitchen?”
“I thought it was the bathroom.”
“You entered a restricted area.”
“Nopony tried to stop me.”
“That’s because you were impersonating palace personnel.”
“This is just a fun costume. I love dressing up for big events.”
“As kitchen staff?”
“What’s wrong with kitchen staff? They’re as important as anypony.”
“Are you going to tell me what you were up to, or should I just let the four princesses decide what to do with you?”
“Three.”
“What’s that?”
“There are three princesses. Twilight is a phony. She doesn’t deserve a crown.”
“She became an alicorn in front of everyone's eyes.”
“Not my eyes.”
“She has wings now.”
“They’re fake.”
“The whole crowd saw her flying today!”
“A cheap parlor trick!”
Barrel Roller looked up at Celestia. “If the style coordinator hadn’t insisted on new staff uniforms, the waiter who found her wouldn’t have reported her. And if the caterer hadn’t left that crate against the inner door, she could have gotten further inside.”
“What a stroke of luck,” said Celestia.
“Unfortunately, the other two did get inside. When their partner was knocked out, they left her on the floor and pushed past the door. We found this one in the hall. His name is Flowrider.”
They walked to another mirror. Saguaro Shade was questioning a pale blue pegasus.
“… and why did you have this map of the tower?”
“The palace gives them out for free.”
“This wall is circled. Why?”
“I ‘unno.”
“This is serious, kiddo.”
“You don’t know the half of it. Twilight’s got you hypnotized. You and everyone else need to snap out of it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You can’t just become an alicorn by making a new spell. There are thousands of spells- there’d be thousands of alicorns by now!”
Barrel Roller shook her head. “I didn’t even see the point of decorating that hallway- no one was using it today. But the decorator wanted to fill the upper arches with garlands, and Flowrider got tangled in them and fell right in front of a valet.”
“Hmm,” said Celestia, clicking her tongue.
They moved to a third mirror.
“Brace yourself,” said Barrel Roller. “You might recognize this one.”
Celestia peered at the third cuffed pony, a reddish earth stallion. He sat alone in the room, staring silently at his bindings. Celestia recognized him as a palace archive technician.
“Coppertop? Surely not. He’s worked here for years. I hired him. I trusted him. I’ve had tea with him.”
“I’m afraid so, your highness. He left Flowrider behind and used an old auxiliary key from the archives to get into your office.”
“My office? Why?”
“Get this- he was trying to scoot up the air ducts in your wall. He could have gotten to you on the balcony that way if they were clear. Only, there was a family of ferrets nesting in there. They chased him back down until he got stuck.”
“Ferrets?” asked Celestia. “From the menagerie?”
“Apparently. That’s not the only oddity. The rooftop vent he was trying to reach wouldn’t have worked for him anyway, because there was a brand new padlock on it. Maintenance doesn’t remember when it was added, and it’s not even the kind they stock.”
“What were these three ponies hoping to accomplish?”
“They’re claiming Twilight Sparkle’s transformation into an alicorn is a hoax. They intended to expose her wings as fake by pulling them off in front of the crowd.”
“How bizarre. Is she aware?”
“I assume so. Rumors spread quickly around the palace, and Spike always seems to know the latest scuttlebutt. I guess he just has one of those faces everyone trusts.
“Poor Twilight. Today should have been the happiest day of her life.”
“Ma’am, I’m embarrassed they got as far as they did. I put the blame totally on myself, and I accept any discommendation you feel is appropriate.”
Celestia looked down at her. “Their incursion path was highly creative. I don’t think anypony could have seen this coming.”
“One pony did, ma’am. For months now, Major Root has been submitting complaints about those areas- complaints which I dismissed.” Barrel Roller flipped through the pages on her clipboard. “He suggested the ventilation in the kitchen should be upgraded so the cooks wouldn’t leave the door open, and I designated that a low priority. He wanted checkpoints in the colonnades, which I rejected as redundant. He called for replacing your office lock, which I deemed sufficiently secure. And when he told me that the air ducts are big enough for a pony to crawl through… I told him he’d been watching too many movies.”
“I see. I take it you archived his suggestions?”
“Aye, ma’am. Coppertop had access to the files. He must have collected and correlated enough to make an infiltration plan.”
“Damn you, Coppertop. Captain, I want this handled by the book.”
“It’s a heavy book, ma’am. If Coppertop exploited his position to lead an assault on princesses, well, that’s espionage and treason.”
Celestia sighed. “Twilight’s first day as a princess, and she’s already dealing with this kind of thing. Captain, I want you to make a complete review of palace security, including all personnel. Then do the same for Twilight’s home security in Ponyville.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll see to it.”
“And Major Root will be assisting you.”
“... yes, ma’am.”
Celestia exited the annex. She flew over to the commons, where Radish was scanning the crowds.
“Good afternoon, major.”
“Your highness,” Radish said with a bow. “Congratulations. Twilight’s achievements are a reflection of your guidance.”
She glared down at him.
“I, uh, like your dress,” he said.
“Apples and ferrets , Radish?”
“I, uh… heh heh. Yes, ma’am. Wait, did something happen?”
“Indeed. I will be issuing a memo to the Royal Guard soon.”
“Is it serious?”
“Quite so. A staff member used your archived security concerns to plan an attack, which your off-the-books precautions have thwarted.”
“Wait, you’re saying that by reporting on potential problems, I drew attention to them… turning them into actual problems… which I ended up fixing?”
“It seems so.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
“Don’t be. You did well today.”
“Thank you, princess.”
“Just keep alert, and stick by Twilight until she’s ready to leave.”
“I’m looking for her now.”
“Carry on,” Celestia said, and flew off.
Radish entered the reception hall and looked around. Ponies of note and notable ponies were milling and mixing. He didn’t know any of them, and he didn’t think Twilight knew any of them. She wasn’t there, at any rate. Radish backed out.
‘Come to me?’ A location would’ve been helpful, Twilight. But then again, Ranger hoof signs can’t really get building-specific.
“Radish!” called Twilight.
He looked around. Then he looked up. Twilight was airborne. She swooped toward him. Radish quickly did the math and realized she was going to smack into the wall behind him. She must have realized that, too, and she braked in the air, kicked off the wall, and landed on the ground in front of Radish on her hind legs. She flailed her forelegs and wings, and Radish grabbed her to keep her from falling over.
She hugged him. Her grip was immensely powerful, and he struggled to breathe.
“Look! Crown! Wings! I’m an alicorn! I’m a princess! I was flying !”
She pushed her wings into Radish's face. The feathers tickled his nose, causing him to sneeze.
“Well done, your highness. I’m proud of you.”
“No! None of that ‘highness’ stuff, okay?”
“Okay. But I’m still proud of you.”
“Thanks. It was a total shock to me.”
Radish put his hoof up to her forehead and compared her height to his. “Hey… you grew. You’re taller.”
“Uh huh!”
“Your horn, too. It’s longer and pointier.”
“Yeah.”
“Did it… uh… hurt to grow wings?”
Twilight smiled and looked back at her wings. She stretched them out upwards. “No. But I’m still learning how to use them. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are teaching me all about pegasus powers.”
“And you have earth pony powers now too, right?”
“Yep! Applejack and Pinkie Pie are showing me the ropes for that, too! Did you have anything you wanted to tell me?”
“Yeah. Woody plants are really hard to grow for a first-timer, so start with something small and herbaceous.”
“I already know the first plant I want to grow- arabidopsis.”
Radish snorted. “That’s so nerdy.”
“Oh, yeah? What was your first?”
“Kenbucky bluegrass.”
“A monocot? Well, I suppose that’s fine… for a kid,” she teased.
Radish smiled. Then, he checked around, leaned in close, and lowered his voice. “Hey, did they tell you about that… obscure earth pony ability?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing! Just a joke.”
“But-”
“Celestia said there was a security breach. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Spike is saying our precautions stopped three intruders. I’ve asked Shining to let me talk to them, but he’s saying it’s out of my jurisdiction.”
“Is that even true? You’re a princess now.”
“But he’s a prince.”
“Of somewhere else.”
“And he’s my big brother.”
“That matters?”
“Well, yes.”
“I could ask around, see how big this thing is.”
“You think it’s bigger than just three ponies?” she asked.
“If you’ve got three scorpions in your bedroll, check your boots right quick.”
“Is that a saying on the plains?”
“No, but it once happened to me,” said Radish.
“I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. Some ponies just get a little excitable on big days. Once Equestria gets used to it, I’m sure nopony will have a problem with having a new princess.”
“All right. Just let me know if I can do anything to help.”
“There is something you can do. You can hold still while I do this.”
She cleared her throat, closed her eyes, and raised a hoof.
“Major Root. For cleverly defending your princess on her coronation day, I hereby bestow upon you this favor.”
She leaned forward and kissed his cheek. Radish’s tail twitched.
“Thank you,” he said.
“Don’t get used to it.”
“Who could get used to that? ”
“Flirt!” she said, giving him a shove. He flew and splatted into the wall.
“Ow.”
“Ooh, sorry! Now that I have earth pony strength, everything is suddenly so much lighter.”
“Makes sense. A princess needs to be able to push others around.”
“Ha.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root and Barrel Roller sat at a table of an outdoor café opposite the Ponyville library. Barrel Roller was squinting at it. Radish was taking notes.
“Well, Root. What do you think?”
“I think Twilight should relocate to Canterlot where she can be secured.”
“That’s retreating. You fancy yourself a security whiz, secure her here, where she lives.”
“She lives in the public library,” Radish said. “Anyone is literally allowed to walk into her home during most of the day. She’s never really mentioned having library staff. Does she work as the sole librarian?”
“Sort of. The library is mostly on the honor system. But Ponyvillians aren’t big readers, anyway.”
“And she doesn’t want guards here?”
“She says it’s ‘disruptive to the adventure of reading’.”
Radish sighed. “Dammit, Twilight. Okay, then, we need to have her home monitored, without her knowing.”
“Which means inserting our own ponies into the neighborhood.”
“Yes, but we should start within her home. We need to get Spike and Owlowiscious trained on spotting suspicious behavior, and repelling intruders if need be.”
“Oh, they are,” said Pinkie Pie. “We all are.”
Radish and Barrel Roller turned to see her sitting at their table, eating a sundae.
“Pinkie Pie?” said Radish, incredulously.
“Come on, this is Ponyville,” she said, mouth full. “Everyone loves Twilight. The whole town is pitching in to watch her back. Nopony’s going to lay a hoof on her.”
She swallowed her mouthful.
“Pinkie, we have our orders,” said Radish.
“Celestia’s being silly. Tell her I said we got this.”
“You hear that, Root? The town’s party planner says she’s got security covered,” said Barrel Roller.
“Hmm, don’t I outrank you?” pondered Pinkie Pie out loud. “Being the Element of Laughter and all, I’m kind of like a noble lady of the royal court, right?”
“That’s never been made official,” said the captain. “As far as I’m concerned, you’re a consultant for highly specific situations.”
“Look, the palace may be full of holes and moles, but there’s no place safer for Twilight than Ponyville.”
“This town has been attacked several times. You’re on the outskirts of a monster-riddled forest, and frankly, no one in this town is qualified to protect a princess.”
Pinkie Pie giggled. “What’s the Royal Guard’s track record on that, again?”
Barrel Roller bristled. “Look here, missy! We are-”
“Duck!” yelled Pinkie Pie. She grabbed Radish and Barrel Roller and dragged them under the table.
“What are you-” started Radish.
“Shh! It’s Twilight!”
They looked from under the table. Twilight was leaving the library.
“Now watch. Watch, like guards,” Pinkie said.
Radish looked at Twilight, then let his focus extend to the world around her. He saw what Pinkie Pie was getting at. Ponies greeted her as she passed, but took an extra glance before moving on. A unicorn on a park bench was pretending to talk to her friend, but was actually keeping an eye on Twilight. A window washer was doing his job, but was keeping her in view through the window’s reflection. Store clerks watched her from inside their shops while arranging window displays.
Radish looked up. A weather pony was dispelling clouds, but was following a route that shadowed Twilight’s. The local school teacher walked along with Twilight, chatting with her, while surreptitiously scanning around them. She said goodbye to Twilight, but then doubled back to examine an alleyway.
“Captain…”
“I see it too, Root. The whole town really is watching over her.”
“Mmm-hmm,” said Pinkie Pie, still eating the sundae.
“But what if someone actually tries something? What could they do about it?” Radish asked.
“The same thing we did to that dragon. Ask them nicely to be better.”
“Ugh, this town,” grumbled Barrel Roller. “Okay, Pie. The rest of you Elements can be in charge of Twilight’s safety in Ponyville, but only if you send me weekly reports on everything even remotely suspicious or threatening. And if I still don’t feel she’s safe enough, I’m putting a garrison here- I don't care how much it disrupts 'the adventure of reading'.”
Pinkie Pie finished her ice cream.
“You got yourself a deal. Can you stay for lunch?”
Radish and Barrel Roller stood on the platform of the Ponyville train station. Barrel Roller read over a poster advertising the upcoming Princess Summit in the Crystal Empire. Radish was staring at a large map of Ponyville tacked to the wall featuring various tourism highlights.
“You know, ma’am, we could still get guards close to Twilight. If the palace were to conduct long-term studies of the Everfree Forest, we could turn this old lake camp into a research outpost,” Radish said, pointing to the map. “Twilight would be delighted to have a bunch of scientists near Ponyville. But in a place like the Everfree, the researchers would need guards. And if the guards were given lots of free time, they’d spend it in town.”
“You like doing things the sneaky way, don’t you, Root? That’s an interesting idea. I’ll talk to the research department.”
“I want to be one of those guards, ma’am.”
“You want to transfer? Don’t you have a girl in Canterlot?”
“She’d want me to be here, keeping Twilight safe.”
“You’ve got a lot to learn about mares, Root. And it’s best that Twilight Sparkle has guards who can remain objective when protecting her.”
“Well, who doesn’t love Twilight?”
“Now that’s the million-bit question. I think that-”
She was interrupted by the sound of a ticket clerk cursing out a visitor. He shooed the girl away, then went to the trash bin and dumped a pile of leaflets into it.
“What was that?” asked Radish.
“She was trying to sneak in her own fliers with the rest of the tourist guides," the clerk said. "Dumb nonsense. Not even worth looking at.”
He wrapped up the garbage bag and headed off to the dumpster. Barrel Roller produced one of the flyers from her wing.
Radish looked at it in surprise. “How did you-”
“He dropped one, I snatched it up. These wings do all kinds of tricks.”
She read the flier. She cursed. She looked to see where the pony who brought them had gone.
“What, ma’am?”
Barrel Roller gave it to him. Radish read it and cursed. The flier read:
DON’T FALL FOR TWILIGHT SPARKLE’S LIES
FAKE WINGS!
PHONY ALICORN!
FALSE PRINCESS!
JOIN THE CAMPAIGN FOR ALICORN AUTHENTICITY
“Ma’am? What do we do about this?”
“You know anything about politics, Root?”
“No, ma’am.”
“It’s the most reliable means by which any pony, no matter who they are or where they came from, can ruin your day.”
“We should show this to Twilight.”
“Show what to Twilight?” she said, seizing and crumpling the flier into a ball. She stuffed it in her pocket.
“Good thinking, ma’am. Crisis averted.”
“Our train’s here. Get onboard, Root.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish approached a row of bushes along one of the palace’s many walkways, wary of a rustling noise from within. A juvenile hognose snake slithered out.
“Hey, there. You lost?”
It flicked its tongue, then nodded.
Zero flew over them. “Root, Shining Armor wants to see you.”
“Oh? Should I take a train to the Crystal Empire, since that’s where he lives and works now?”
“Yeah, I know. It’s hard to miss a guy who won’t leave. He’s at Barrel Roller’s.”
“Could you see this snake to the visitor center?”
Zero looked at it. He grumbled.
Radish entered his captain’s office. His former captain was at his captain’s desk. His captain was nowhere to be seen.
“Ah, Root. Good seeing you again.”
“How can I help you, Prince Shining Armor of the Crystal Empire?”
“I wanted to ask you something personal. About Twilight. Are you still pen pals with her?”
“Yes, sir.”
“I’m worried that she may play a bit too loose with protocol now that she’s a princess. She may be openly discussing things with her friends that are supposed to be classified.”
“I thought all of AG1 is at Clearance Level Five.”
“Yeah, but you’re not. Has she mentioned anything strange lately?”
“Strange for her is relative, sir.”
“Even stranger than usual. Anything about, say, her crown? A mirror? A… school?”
“Not that I can recall.”
“Good.”
Twilight had. She had written him a long letter describing a mission undertaken by her and Spike that was so bizarre, Radish first thought she was pranking him. It was not a prank, however, and the implications were staggering and terrifying. However, Twilight’s major takeaway from the experience seemed to be a rather personal one.
“By the way, do you remember a pegasus guard named Flash Sentry?” Shining Armor asked. “He was one of the transfers to the Crystal Empire.”
“Oh, sure. I remember him.”
“What did you think of him?”
Nice guy. A good starter boyfriend for Twilight, until the distance and lack of common interests force them into an amicable breakup. She'll probably end up with some sensitive Ponyville boy and be fine. Without your meddling.
“He was a skilled and intelligent guard, and I feel honored to have worked with him.”
Don’t say I never did anything for you, Flash Sentry.
Shining Armor seemed skeptical. Radish couldn’t resist saying what he said next.
“Actually, sir, he had many of the same fine qualities that you have, both as a guard and as a stallion. I think the two of you are very much alike.”
Shining’s eye twitched. Radish bit the insides of his cheeks to keep his expression neutral. He had to keep pushing.
“Sir, is there something I should ask Twilight about Flash Sentry? Or vice versa?”
“No. Dismissed.”
Radish left the room and made his way down the hall. As he walked past a burgundy marble column, he heard a whisper from behind it.
“Psst!”
“Hi, Twilight.”
Twilight poked her head out from behind the column. “Did he ask about Flash?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you say?”
“Why am I a part of this?”
“Is that what you said, or are you saying that now?”
“Twilight, if you like Flash Sentry, you should just go and talk to him.”
“I can’t! I don’t know if I do or not. I’m totally in the weeds with this kind of thing! How did you know the first time you liked someone?”
“She appeared on my flanks.”
“Oh, right. What about the second time?”
“She sent me here to pursue the first.”
“Right. I’m almost afraid to ask about a third.”
“Oh, her? She confronted me in this hallway and said I should be defenestrated.”
“Who on earth was-”
Twilight looked around the hall. Her eyes bugged out and she stumbled back.
“I… I…”
“I’m kidding.”
“Well, don’t! I can’t handle that kind of kidding right now!”
“Sorry.”
“Please, Radish. I don't know what I'm doing. I didn’t care about making friends for most of my life. I never even gave any thought to dating! I’m way behind in this kind of thing."
"But isn't this Princess Cadance's exact area of expertise?"
"She, uh, already asked me about him, and I told her there was nothing to tell."
"But is there? I thought the Flash you got to know is a whole different guy from the Flash I knew."
"That's the problem. The Flash I knew was a great guy. He was so kind, and sweet, and charming..."
"Aww."
"But I'll probably never see him again."
"Oh."
"But, when the pegasus Flash touched my hoof and looked into my eyes... well... I kind of felt a... similar connection."
"Ooh."
"I'd like to know why. Could you tell me about him? What was he like?”
"Well, he was a sky patroller, so I didn't spend a lot of time with him. But I was there when he caught Luna after Chrysalis threw her off her balcony.”
“So he's a hero! What else?”
“He was in the wrestling league.”
“Ah, so he was a valorous athletic contender, who reveled in honing his skills and matching his wits in vigorous simulated battle?”
“I pinned him in like five seconds.”
“That’s… what? Why bring that up?”
“Uh… oh! He was in a band. He played guitar.”
“That makes sense! The human one was an accomplished guitarist, so of course the pegasus one would be!”
“Is that how it works?”
“It seems to be. Did you ever talk about me?”
“Uh… no. Sorry.”
“Did he have a girlfriend?”
“He was popular with the ladies, but he was excited to transfer, so I don’t think he had any ties here.”
“But he likes mares, right?”
“I don’t know. The other one liked mares, didn’t he?”
“Well, at least one- Sunset Shimmer.”
“Right. The criminal you let go.”
“Let’s not get into that now, please.”
"Are you sure you want to date a guard? Our hours are long, it's dangerous work, and we only get five weeks of vacation each year."
"And what if somepony had said that to Light Fantastic?"
"Lots of ponies said that to Light Fantastic."
"And it's a good thing she didn't listen to them! She'd be missing out on being with a great guy!"
Radish looked at his hooves. "Oh... that's really nice. Thanks, Twilight."
"You don't want me to miss out on being with a great guy, do you?"
"No... no, I don't. Twilight, I think you and Flash Sentry would make a nice couple."
"Thank you, Radish. Now I just have to figure out how to approach him."
"Okay. How about this- you could go up to the Crystal Empire…”
“I just came from there. Shining Armor will get word that I suddenly went back. He'll be suspicious."
"What's Shining going to do? Fire him?"
"I just don't want him involved, okay?"
"Okay, so tell him you need to use the Empire's library..."
“That’s perfect! He’s never interested in what I find in libraries. His eyes will glaze over the minute I mention it.”
“…and then you slip out and find the Empire’s music scene. Check out the venues, and Flash will either be there playing or watching. Then just go up to him and say, ‘Oh, hi, I was just in the neighborhood. I didn’t know you liked this band, too. Tee hee. They’re great. Say, you wanna get some ice cream? Oh, is this your place? Oh, Flash Sentry, you’re so strong… ’”
Twilight gave Radish a shove. He splat against the wall.
“Ow.”
“Ooh, sorry. I’m still getting used to how powerful my body is.”
“Make sure you tell him that, too,” Radish said, climbing to his hooves.
“Radish!”
“Look, all I know is that you don’t want to be asking yourself what could have been. Give it a try, and if it doesn’t work out, you can move on.”
“Do you think he’d like me?”
“You’re a flippin’ princess. A heroine of the realm.”
“But none of that has anything to do with two ponies connecting romantically. Do you think he’d like me ? Me me? Am I… good dating material?”
Radish put his hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight Sparkle, you are cute as a button, tough as nails, and sharp as a tack. If he’s not crazy for you, he’s crazy.”
“Ohh, you...”
She gave him another shove. Radish dug into the carpet, and her hoof dented his chestplate.
“Twilight, my armor!”
“Sorry!”
She uncrumpled it with magic.
“So… you good?” Radish asked.
“Eh, no. I need my guy friend for backup. Could you come with me?”
“Fine. Maybe Fanny’ll want to come, too.”
“That’s perfect. If you’re with her, Flash won’t mistake the two of us as dating.”
“You’re giving this more worry than most villains you fight.”
“Villains are easy. Boys are terrifying.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root and Light Fantastic stood in an alleyway a block from the Crystal Empire’s main public library. Radish looked at his watch. Twilight was running behind.
“I didn’t think our first date to the CE would involve Twilight Sparkle as a third wheel, hon,” said Light.
“She just needs a little help with this guy. And we owe her for bringing us together. Once they’re dating, she’ll probably spend all her free time with him. Then you and I can come here for real.”
“But they live like a thousand miles apart. Aren’t we just setting her up to fail?”
“Well, he could always transfer back.”
“Oh, yeah, imagine that request: ‘Sir, I’d like to transfer back to Canterlot so I can bang your sister .’ ‘No prob, Flash. Here, take a rubber .’”
“Ugh.”
“So, why is she so hot for this Flash guy, anyway?”
“He’s just that dreamy, I guess. I know he’ll treat her right. Or at least let her down easy.”
“And he’s a guard with a yellow coat, too? Maybe she’s sublimating her feelings for you by chasing a similar guy.”
“He’s a pegasus. Maybe she’s sublimating her feelings for you, too.”
“She should’ve just asked us for a threesome, then. Save a lot of trouble.”
“Oh really, Fan?”
“No. Don’t even think about it. I don’t care if she is a princess- I don’t share.”
Princess Twilight Sparkle appeared between them in a burst of teleportation magic. Light yelped and jumped back. Radish instinctively raised a hoof in self-defense, then lowered it.
“Twilight! So good to see you again! And without warning!” Light said, catching her breath.
“Thanks for coming, you guys. It’s good to see you again, Light. Well, how do I look? Rarity picked this outfit for me- she said it’s what the cool ponies wear for clubbing these days. I changed in the library’s bathroom and teleported here directly so nopony would know what I’m up to!”
Twilight was wearing an olive drab skirt, a black T-shirt for a band Radish didn’t know, and a denim jacket. There were no cutouts for her wings.
“You’re hiding your wings? You just got them,” said Radish.
“I’m not trying to get recognized as a princess. I’m here for one guy, and he already knows who I am. Oh, but would you like to see them, Light?”
“Uh, sure.”
Twilight pulled off her jacket and drew her shirt up to her neck. Radish moved to put his body between her and the alley entrance to block the view of any curious passers-by.
Light poked Twilight’s wings. “Wow. I’m touching an alicorn.”
Twilight giggled.
“And your wings are bigger than mine,” grumbled Light.
“Well, yours are very lovely, Light. I’m still learning how to control all the feathers.”
“You know, there’s this thing you can do with your primary feathers that can drive a stallion wild,” Light said, dipping her head toward Twilight.
“Oh?” Twilight asked, bending forward in interest.
“Yeah, Rad loves it. Come here, Rad- let’s show her.”
“No.”
“Oh, well. I’ll tell you later.”
“Can we get a move on?” asked Radish.
“Not before you tell me how I look,” said Twilight, replacing her shirt and jacket.
“You look fine, Twilight,” Radish quickly said.
“Do I, Light?” asked Twilight.
Light looked her up and down. She shrugged. “Well, we can work with this. Come here.”
She hastily made a few revisions to Twilight’s ensemble- untucking her shirt, rolling up the sleeves of the jacket, tearing a long slit in the skirt, and curling her mane in a rather un-princess-like fashion. She stepped back to appraise her own work.
“What do you think, Rad? If you saw her in a club, would you try to pick her up?”
“I’m not answering that.”
“Radish, please. I need a stallion’s perspective on this. Am I… attractive?” Twilight asked anxiously.
Radish sighed. “Twilight, you are a very pretty pony.”
Twilight looked down and smiled.
“Wow, Twilight,” said Light, nudging her, “that’s high praise coming from a guy who’s obsessed with Celestia.”
“Oh, still?” asked Twilight, looking at Radish.
“No,” said Radish quickly. Then he added, “But I’d like to see her in denim.”
“I was asking for that,” sighed Light. “Let’s go.”
They strolled down the streets of the Crystal Empire’s nightlife district. The sidewalks were full of ponies, crystal and otherwise, who mingled, laughed, and waited in long lines for clubs. Music could be heard from all around, coming from restaurant patios, bars, and outdoor stages. Light took the lead, excited to see the places her Canterlot friends had recommended.
“Okay, next venue, ‘The Open Door’,” Light said, looking up at the club. “Dumb name for a place. Looks like the band Victory Spirit is playing tonight.”
“I think I’ve heard that name,” said Twilight. “Yeah! Flash was a fan! There was an equivalent band in the human world!”
“Twilight, that’s classified!” hissed Radish.
“Classified, my hoof. I’m not keeping a whole other world a secret, no matter what my brother says.”
“If that’s the case, I have a ton of questions,” said Radish. “About their technology, weapons…”
“Not now, okay? I get enough of that from Shining.”
“Wait, hold on,” said Light. “All that stuff about a mirror world is true? I owe Splash Page ten bits.”
“Fan, you should never bet against Twilight Sparkle making life weirder.”
“Very funny, Radish,” sighed Twilight.
“And you really had a different body?” asked Light. “Like, a primate species?”
“Yes.”
“And you were attracted to one of them?”
“Is that so wrong!?” Twilight hissed defensively. “No one else judged me for it!”
“Hey, girl, no judgment! I think you’re a pioneer!” laughed Light. “I’m sure someday everyone will be dating across dimensions.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Do you think you could draw me some of these humans sometime?” asked Light. “They might make cool figurines.”
“Two-legged action figures?” asked Radish. “How would they even stand up?”
“Huh. Good point.”
“Human Flash did this thing where he leaned back on one leg,” reminisced Twilight. “And sometimes he’d lean against the wall, just looking cool.”
“Uh, but we’re here for the pegasus Flash, right?” asked Radish.
“Right! Yes!” said Twilight, snapping out of it.
“Well, maybe he leans on walls, too,” said Light, nudging Twilight.
They pushed open the closed door of The Open Door. A grungy band was playing on stage, fronted by a white pegasus with a short-cropped black mane. Ponies were milling about, most on the floor, some in booths, some at the bar. The three took a booth and peered around.
“I’ll check the bathroom,” said Radish.
“You’ve been to the bathroom at every place we’ve been tonight,” said Twilight, giving him a worried glance.
“What can I say? I love bathrooms made entirely of crystal.”
Radish trotted into The Open Door’s bathroom. He saw what he was looking for. There was a stack of fliers on the sink. He read the one on top, pocketed it, then dumped the rest into the trash.
He went to rejoin Twilight and Light Fantastic at their table, but as he walked, he saw something on the other end of the club that made his heart shudder. He quickened his pace.
“Everything come out all right?” Light asked with a wink.
“You know, I think this place is dead. Let’s go check out that dive across the street,” said Radish.
“In a minute. So, Twilight, was there a human Radish?”
“I didn’t see one.”
“But there was a human Celestia, right? Maybe they’re together in that world.”
“Uh huh,” said Twilight, looking around the room.
“Fan, I’m sure you and I are together in every world,” said Radish.
“Oh? Like it’s cosmic destiny, babe?”
“Would you two quit… oh my!” squealed Twilight. “It’s him!”
Twilight’s wings fluttered under her clothes as she put her hooves on the table. Radish grimaced, and braced himself. Light craned her neck to look.
Through the shifting crowd, they could see Flash Sentry at a table along the far wall. He wore casual clothes and had his mane down to the side.
He was with a female crystal pony. She was sitting very close.
“Uh, they’re probably just friends,” said Radish. “Coworkers.”
Twilight stared at them, frozen. Flash leaned in and kissed the mare.
“Maybe it’s a break-up kiss?” offered Radish.
The mare kissed back. They pulled each other close and passionately made out.
Twilight slowly turned her head at Radish. Her face was filled with an expression that struck fear into the back of his skull.
“Twilight,” said Light Fantastic. “It’s okay. It’s- wow, they’re really going at it. In public. Way to go, Flash Sentry.”
Twilight slipped under the table and climbed out the other side. She left for the door.
“Come on,” said Radish.
Princess Twilight Sparkle sat at an outdoor picnic table, staring down at the ice cream Radish had bought her from a sidewalk stand. It was melting into a goop in its cup. She had said nothing since seeing Flash.
“Look,” said Radish. “This was always a possibility. Some things are out of our control.”
Twilight made a small wheezing sound.
“Honey?” asked Radish to Light.
“What?”
“Can’t you do some kind of, I don’t know, girl talk with her?”
“Girl talk?” she asked, rolling her eyes.
“Yeah. Now.”
“Twilight, sweetie. I don’t know you very well, or that Flash guy at all, but look at it this way: we’re out in the coolest corner of the coolest part of Equestria. I bet we can find you a way hotter guy here within ten minutes.”
“Light!” yelled Radish.
Twilight made a small twittering sound. Then, she cackled.
“Oh good, she’s laughing about it now,” said Light.
Twilight threw her head back and laughed.
“We just met. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, but he hooked up with the first floozy to flounce his way!”
“Come on, you can’t blame him for meeting someone,” said Radish. “Love just strikes you. You can’t control it.”
“Aww,” said Light, sweetly, “is that how you felt with me?”
“Yeah,” he said, snuggling into her.
Twilight looked at Radish and bared her teeth.
“Oh, I don’t blame him. I blame you .”
“Me? What did I do?”
“You encouraged me to come all the way here! You told me all about how wonderful he is! You said we’d make a nice couple!”
“I was trying to help you!”
“Why did this happen?” she moaned, leaning back. “This shouldn’t have happened!”
“Twilight, it was your first crush,” said Light. “And granted, it was later than most get theirs, but…”
“Light!” yelled Radish.
“You’re going to have your heart broken many, many times before you find the right one,” said Light, patting Twilight.
“For Celestia’s sake, Light!”
“No. I’m not ever going to get my heart broken again. No one is!” announced Twilight.
Her horn glowed with an intense red light and her eyes drained of their color into solid white. She winglessly floated off her bench. The table started shaking, and the food on it slipped to the sidewalk. Ponies around them turned and stared.
“Honey, what’s happening?” asked Light.
“I don’t know! It must be an alicorn thing!”
A blast of wind burst from Twilight in all directions. Napkins and hats flew off into the street.
“Hey, watch the magic, sister!” called out a nearby pony. Twilight whipped around to look at him in disdain. He cowered.
“It’s okay, everypony,” said Radish, standing up and addressing the crowd. “She’s just having a little stallion trouble, nothing to see here.”
Twilight whipped around again to hauntingly gaze into him. He froze.
“Oh, honey, just forget him,” said a large mare at the next table. “Guys aren’t worth losing your mind over.”
Some of the crowd muttered in assent. Then, a column of light burst skyward from Twilight. The wind from her increased and swirled, forming a small twister around her hovering form. Radish was starting to get pushed back. He gripped the table.
“Why should I get my heart broken when I did nothing wrong?” she growled. Her voice sounded like several instances of her all shouting over each other. “It should have worked out!”
“Twilight, honey, that’s just life!” said Light Fantastic, flapping against the gale.
“Well, not anymore! I’m changing life! I’m changing it forever! ” Twilight roared.
“What does she mean by that?” called Light to Radish over the wind.
Radish shook his head, worriedly.
The ponies around them backed up or fled. The ice cream seller closed the shutter of his stand.
“Rad!” called Light, “You have to calm her down!”
“How!?”
“Kiss her!”
“What!?”
“Do it! Use tongue!”
“WHAT!? ”
“It’ll work! Trust me!”
Radish squinted into the wind. He pulled himself along the table toward Twilight. He strained to reach her with his hoof.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle!?” called a voice. The cyclone and column of light vanished. Twilight fell out of the air, hit the edge of the table, and bounced to the ground. She shakingly looked up.
Flash Sentry and the crystal mare were there, holding hooves, with shocked expressions on their faces.
“Oh no,” squeaked Radish to himself.
Flash looked at Radish. Their eyes locked, and an understanding wordlessly passed between them. The crystal mare looked at Light, and the same passed between them. The ponies who had scooted back were now scooting forward. The ice cream seller peeked from under his shutter.
Flash approached Twilight and held out a hoof to help her up. She stared at it, eyes twitching. She let him pull her off the ground. She then took a step back, fixed her mane, and cleared her throat.
“Ah yes, I remember you. You are that helpful guard from the palace. It is so very nice to see you again!” she said, giving a polite and regal nod. Radish hadn’t heard her sound this forcibly fake since the Hearth’s Warming play.
“Uh, yeah. I mean, it’s nice to see you again, too, your highness,” said Flash. “Are you okay?”
“I am fine. I merely suffered a leg cramp and fell over. We simply must stop meeting like this!”
“Oh? Okay.”
“And who is this lovely lady upon your hoof?”
The crystal mare cowered behind Flash. “Uh, I’m Shinethrough.”
“What a delightful name. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Shinethrough. I hope I have not disrupted your date tonight.”
She hugged into Flash tightly. “No, everything’s fine.”
“Glad to hear it. Please take good care of him, miss. I wish you two all the happiness in the world.”
“I will,” she said, more confidently.
“Now, if you will excuse me, I must make my train. Farewell, and good health.”
“Goodbye, Princess Twilight Sparkle,” said Flash. He and Radish exchanged nods. Light winked at Shinethrough, who didn’t catch her meaning.
Twilight trotted off, her pace quickening as she rounded the street corner. Radish and Light found her on the other side, slumped against the wall, staring at the sky.
“Twilight, I’m sorry,” said Radish.
“Yeah. He was hot,” said Light. Radish shot her a scowl.
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Thank you both. I think I need to go home now.”
“Come on,” said Radish, helping her up and giving her a squeeze. “I think you were very brave. And you let everyone save face, except you. You’ll be one heck of a good princess.”
Twilight groaned. “Oh my gosh, did I almost go Nightmare Twilight over a guy? That could have been a disaster! Please don’t tell anypony.”
“Don’t worry. Good guards don’t gossip,” replied Radish.
“And I don’t know how I’d describe any of this, Purple Squirt,” said Light.
“Purple Squirt?”
“That’s what she calls you,” replied Radish. “I tell her not to.”
“I like it,” said Twilight. “Good use of assonance.”
“Hey, we actually do have to make our train,” Light said.
The train ride home was silent. Twilight sat by the window, staring out at the expanses flying by. Light Fantastic sat beside her, sleepily leaning into Radish. Radish held his hoof around Light, stroking her softly. Twilight looked at Radish, then to Light, then back to Radish.
Radish made the Plains Rangers gesture for, “Do you need assistance ?”
She responded with the signs for, “All clear ” and “Thank you ”.
The train creaked into Ponyville in the dark. Twilight slipped off the bench and brushed past Light and Radish. Before exiting the car, she turned back and made the gesture for “End of watch ”, with a directional indicator from Radish to herself. Then, she left.
Radish put his head back and gave Light Fantastic a gentle squeeze. He leaned his head on hers.
No, Twilight. I’ll never stop watching out for you. I owe you too much.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish made his way through one of the many quiet side hallways of the palace’s middle floors. These corridors never saw much use, either from visitors, palace staff, or the princesses themselves. The air hangs heavy and silent in sections of the palace like these, and even a guard could feel like an intruder in such a space. The silence was broken by another guard poking his head through a side door and flagging Radish down.
“Hey, Root, Shining Armor wants to see you in his office.”
“His office is a thousand miles north.”
“You know what I mean. Just go.”
Radish entered Barrel Roller’s office. Shining Armor was sitting at her desk, poring over piles of disparate documents. Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade stood on either side of him, looking over the papers as well.
“Root, come in. Have a seat.”
“Ah, Prince Armor. You’re still here. In Canterlot.”
“I’m gonna be here for a while, Root. What do you know about the CAA?”
“Which one? There’s the Canterlot Accordion Association, the Carriage Assistance Act, the Cartographers and Astrologers Alliance…”
“I like you, Root, because you keep me on my toes. The Campaign for Alicorn Authenticity.”
“They’re a new political group formed to challenge Twilight Sparkle’s ascendancy to alicornship and her title of princess. They claim her completion of Starswirl’s last spell was a hoax, and that her wings are fake.”
“Do you know why they believe all that?”
“The reasons they give in their self-published literature are varied, constantly changing, and often… difficult to comprehend. They seem to have started with their conclusion, and are scrabbling backwards for ways to justify it.”
“You’ve read their literature?”
“They leave it in public bathrooms, sir.”
“Have you discussed them with Twilight?”
“We talked about the intruders at the coronation. This was before I knew that there were more out there, or that they had a name.”
“How many of them do you think there are?”
“They claim numbers in the thousands across Equestria and beyond. It’s likely those numbers are wildly overstated. There are probably fewer than a hundred in Canterlot, with smaller chapters elsewhere.”
“I agree. But they could be growing. They’re growing louder, at least.”
“Sir?”
“They’ve applied for a permit to hold a public demonstration in Canter Square. Princess Celestia has approved it.”
“I see.”
“But that doesn’t mean we can’t put on a show of our own.”
“A show? Another play, Prince Armor?”
“A show of numbers. Guards from both this palace and the Crystal Empire will be standing by during the protest. So will be the Wonderbolts. That should give the CAA something to think about.”
Radish felt his stomach clench. He looked at Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade, who seemed to be gauging his reaction as he gauged theirs.
“Sir, isn’t that the purview of the City Watch?” asked Radish. “The Royal Guard can only operate outside the palace when there’s a direct, real, and present threat. As for the Wonderbolts, I don’t think they do this kind of thing, either.”
“I’m glad you know regs so well these days. The City Watch will be the front line, of course. The rest will just be there in case they try something. The CAA is a direct, real and present threat, Root. They tried to rip Twilight’s wings off.”
“I know, sir.”
Radish’s mind reeled, grasping for ideas.
Well, it’s worth a shot.
“Beg pardon, Prince Armor. But doesn’t this require the attention of AG1? They handle problems relating to social disunity.”
“You think I’m going to put Twilight anywhere near this? I don’t even want her to know about the protest. In fact, I’m going to have to order you not to tell her. We’re working on something to keep Ponyville occupied the day of. A bake-off.”
You absolute piece of-
“Yes, Prince Armor. A bake-off will keep them distracted, for sure. I bet someone will comically fall onto a cake.”
“And there’s one more thing. There’s a reason I’m talking to you about all this. We think most of the CAA come from the more bohemian quarters of Canterlot. The artists, musicians, baristas. You get the idea. Midtown folk, basically.”
Radish kept silent.
“Your girlfriend is an artist from Midtown, isn’t she?”
Barrel Roller looked at the floor. Saguaro Shade looked at Shining Armor.
“I don’t believe I’ve ever mentioned that to you, sir,” Radish said slowly.
“Has she ever expressed any doubts about Twilight?”
“No , sir .”
“I want to show you something.”
He placed a CAA flier on the desk. Next to it, he placed a postcard from Light Fantastic’s shop. Aside from various anti-Twilight slogans, the flier had an angular drawing of Twilight, with a red slashed circle over her wings. The postcard had a generic unicorn, but the style and pose were exactly the same as on the flier. Radish felt his skin crawl and his heart drop.
“These look pretty similar, don’t they? Is Light Fantastic contributing art to the CAA?”
Radish’s mind raced. He cleared his throat.
“Sir, this style of drawing is what’s known as ‘stirrupism’. It was a trend among young artists a few years ago. Most artists in Canterlot can draw like this. This image could have come from one of hundreds of ponies.”
Shining Armor looked back to Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade. They both shrugged.
Go ahead and look it up. I listen to my girlfriend when she talks about her work.
“Have either of you ever encountered a member of the CAA?”
“Not that I’m aware.”
“Have you ever heard anyone in Light’s circles voice doubts about Twilight?”
“No, sir.”
“Do you, yourself, have any doubts about Twilight being an alicorn?”
“No, sir.”
Don’t say it. Don’t say it. DON’T SAY IT.
“I’ve felt her wings, sir.”
Of course I had to say it.
“You’ve felt my sister’s wings?”
“She loves to show them off. She practically shoved them in my face.”
Don’t say it. Don’t say it. DO NOT SAY IT.
“They’re very soft, sir.”
Radish stared hard into Shining Armor’s eyes, still as a statue. Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade looked at each other.
“Well, fine. Good. Perfect. By the way, you’ve spent time with Rarity, haven't you?”
“Yes. Mostly on missions.”
“What do you think of her?”
“She has the full confidence of Princess Celestia, both as the Element of Generosity and as a dressmaker.”
“But what’s your read on her? What do your instincts as a guard tell you about her?”
Don’t do it, Radish. Don’t you dare. Oh, go ahead.
“Sir, if I may. I understand that she can be very charming. Even to a married stallion. But some mares are simply being friendly when they might give the impression of being… flirtatious. And you have a wonderful wife, sir.”
Of course I had to.
Shining Armor’s eyes went wide. Barrel Roller covered her face with a wing. Saguaro Shade looked at the ceiling.
“Root, what are you- never mind. I ask because she sent a message requesting your assistance, out-of-palace. She’d like a guard escort while she does some shopping in the wholesale district.”
“Sir?”
“The Royal Guard is always happy to help one of Equestria’s heroes, Root. Keep her safe, and don’t talk about the CAA or the protest. You’ll meet her at Rye Stubble’s at eight.”
“Yes, Prince Armor.”
Radish stood up to leave. As he opened the door, he looked back at Shining Armor.
“By the way, your highness- when its members speak the organization’s initials, they say ‘C-double-A’, not ‘C-A-A’.”
“And how do you know that?”
“I overheard it in a bathroom stall. In the Crystal Empire.”
Radish left the office. He walked into the locker room and leaned over a sink, staring at himself in the mirror. Saguaro Shade walked in.
“Why do you have to needle him like that?” he asked.
“Sir, permission to speak freely?”
“That’s not a real thing. But speak your piece on this.”
“He doesn’t work here anymore! He doesn't even live here anymore! He’s the prince of an entirely different kingdom, where his wife is, and he spends more time here than there! And, for Celestia’s sake, sir, he questions my loyalty to Twilight? He interrogates me about my girlfriend ? He wants to bring armies against a protest of dozens? And he’s making me shop with Rarity!?”
Saguaro Shade laughed. “Wait ‘til you get Pinkie Pie duty. You’ll be begging for Rarity.”
“Sir, the CAA barely exists, and he’s going to start a street war over them.”
“Have you considered it from his perspective?”
“How’s that?”
“Think about it. He was useless during the Nightmare Moon crisis. His little sister solved it, instead. As I recall, you were further on the way to fixing it than he was.”
“I was just looking for books.”
“Then, Discord. All of us useless against that kind of power. Kid sister and her buddy squad saved the day, again.”
“They’re bonded to legendary magic weapons. Only they could handle it.”
“Then, the wedding. Think about what a blow to him that was. His fiancée, kidnapped and replaced by the enemy, an enemy which he was almost brainwashed into marrying . His role as our protector- targeted and subverted. Celestia in a cocoon. Canterlot seconds away from annihilation. And once again, his kid sister saves the day.”
“Twilight was key that day, but he and Cadance really saved it.”
“What else? Oh, yeah. Sombra. Horn rendered useless. Kid sister, kid brother, and wife saved the day.”
“Well, I heard he threw her, at least.”
“Twilight’s coronation. Brought his army to make sure nothing would go wrong. But penny-ante infiltrators nearly got to her. Stopped only by an apple crate and some ferrets. And don’t think we all don’t know that was you.”
“Oh. I was just trying to help.”
“We know. But now consider the state he’s in. He hasn’t had a win in a long, long time.”
“Sir, what’s a win now? Muscling over a group of artists and baristas? He knows Twilight wouldn’t want that.”
“Root, I’m actually worried about the CAA. We can fight changelings, bugbears, and rogue dragons. But we can’t fight ideas. And wrong ideas spread the fastest and do the worst damage. This thing is going to rip Canterlot apart before it’s done. And Twilight will suffer the most.”
“We go hard on them, we only make them look sympathetic. Those three in prison? Most of the fliers are about them being martyrs to the cause.”
“It’s a new type of enemy, Root. That means we don’t have a guidebook.”
“We have experts on wrong ideas. AG1. If they can reform Discord, they can reason with the CAA.”
“So, shopping with Rarity looking better now?”
“…huh. I could talk to her about all this. Then she can talk to Twilight.”
“Now, didn’t Prince Armor just specifically order you not to do that?”
“I am neither a subject nor an employee of Prince Armor. Celestia’s the one who signs my checks. I obey other royals as a courtesy, but today I’m feeling mighty discourteous.”
“Icould give you the same order, though.”
“Are you giving that order, sir?”
“No, I’m feeling mighty discourteous today, too.”
Radish opened the door to Cat’s Howl. Light was at the counter, reading a comic. She looked up and smiled.
“Hey, tiger.”
“Fan, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you with the CAA?”
“Rad?”
He held up a CAA flier next to a display rack of her merchandise. “Shining Armor found this. After a great deal of strain, he was able to put two and two together.”
She looked at them. “Huh.”
“‘Huh’?”
“Babe, you know I do commissions. Someone wanted a drawing of Twilight. I guess they used it for their flier.”
“Who was it?”
“I don’t share my customers’ private information, Rad.”
“You don’t set rules about what they can use your art for?”
“Oh yeah, art is all about imposing rules.”
“Fanny, this is serious. Shining is on a rampage. I kept him off your back this time, but I can’t cover for you forever.”
“What are you saying? This is all legal. This is Equestria! Ponies are allowed to cast doubt on their leaders.”
“Honey… do you doubt Twilight?”
“What if I did? Would you arrest me? Banish me? Spank me?”
“Fanny, please answer me.”
“I love the Purple Squirt.”
“Do you believe she’s a princess?”
“Is she?”
“Of course!”
“What is she the princess of?”
“Well, I don’t know. Nothing, right now.”
“Doesn’t a princess need to be in charge of something? Some place? A thing in the sky?”
“I don’t know. All alicorns are princesses. Twilight’s an alicorn now. So, she has to be a princess.”
“So, just because she changed her body, she gets to have all the political power in the world with no responsibility?"
"No one's more responsible than Twilight!"
“She nearly wiped out a city block over a guy she barely knew.”
“That’s unfair.”
“What is Shining Armor going to do to the C-double-A?”
Radish stepped back in surprise. “What did you say?”
“What is Shining going to do ?”
“Nothing, if I can set them right.”
“You mean, shut them up? Or shut them down?”
“They’re wrong, Fan. Literally, demonstrably, totally, wrong.”
“Don’t ponies have a right to be wrong?”
“What good does being wrong do? Shouldn’t every pony be as right as possible?”
“Shouldn’t every pony get to think and say what they want?”
“Shouldn’t an artist fight for truth instead of promote lies?”
Light Fantastic bristled and scowled. She leaned over her counter.
“Now, you listen, Radish Root. All my friends said it would never work out between me and a guard. They think you’re all just a bunch of muscle-headed, Celestia-heinie-kissing, tin-plated wind-up toys. I defended you to them, because I saw more in you. And then you come into my store, questioning what, my loyalty to Equestria? Loyalty to Equestria isn’t about believing what its leaders want. It’s about holding them accountable to the ideals they claim it was founded on! And plopping a new princess down on us every year wasn’t what anypony had in mind.”
Radish leaned in.
“This conflict only exists because a group of idiots got a wrong idea in their heads and are too stubborn to let it go. Out on the plains, if you have a wrong idea about dragons, you either correct yourself real quick, or get eaten up. But you want to coddle wrong ideas. You want to nurse lies until they’re big and strong- lies that can eat up Canterlot worse than any dragon could. I will fight this lie harder than anything I’ve ever fought before. And if that’s a problem for you, you’re not the mare I thought you were.”
Light stuck her face right into his.
“The only thing you’ve ever fought for was Celestia’s hindquarters. The only truth you care about is what’s in your Guard rulebook. The only thing you’ll ever protect Twilight from is reality. You’re not the stallion I thought you were.”
“I should have stayed with Sky.”
“You should have stayed on the farm! Get out!”
Radish turned around and walked out the door. Light put her hoof to her chest, feeling her heart beat out of control. She looked down at the flier.
“I should have charged more for this.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Night fell.
Radish shuffled into Rye Stubble’s, a popular alehouse in a well-trotted corner of downtown. He immediately saw Rarity sitting at a corner booth, dressed in a scarlet trenchcoat and wide-brimmed hat, peering over the top of a menu. He sighed, and made his way to her. As he approached, he heard her whisper loudly.
“Psst. It is I!”
“Hello, Rarity.”
“Oh my. You look like you’re having a bad day.”
“I’m fine.”
“I think I can guess what’s got you so down. Come have a seat, and let’s talk about it.”
She scooted over. Radish took a seat next to her. Rarity made a wave to the waiter.
“Garçon! Two of your best Moocow Mules, please. Have you had theirs, dear?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Ah, they’re divine. They won’t tell me what variety of citron they use, but I suspect it’s an obscure cultivar from the east.”
“Rarity, you didn’t call me here for shopping, did you?”
“No. I want to speak with you about these silly CAA ponies. They simply need to get to know Twilight like we do. Then they’ll see they’ve been ridiculous about the whole thing.”
“Does Twilight know about them?”
“Yes, but she’s taking a very hooves-off approach. Spike thinks she’s giving them the freedom to make themselves look ridiculous. The rest of us think she’s being far too blasé about it.”
The waiter placed two copper mugs in front of them. Radish sipped his.
“This is lone star lime. Rufus at the farmers market carries it.”
“Radish, you’re a doll!” she said, writing it down. “Now I can make my own. But not too often, though. I wouldn’t want to become inured to this taste. Oh, it’s so good to know a well-traveled pony.”
“You six are well-traveled.”
“Yes, we have been to a few places, haven’t we? But I often feel like a tourist, not a traveler.”
“Rarity, about the CAA- they’re going to be holding a public demonstration in Canter Square. And Shining Armor is going to bring an army of guards there.”
“Oh, dear. That sounds rather dire. It’s all the more urgent that we get the two sides talking to each other.”
“Do you know how to find them?”
“Why, with good old-fashioned detective work, of course! You and I are going to scour the streets, locate their leadership, and ask nicely for them to sit down with Twilight.”
“Does Twilight know you’re doing this?”
“No, I think she has enough on her plate.”
“I know. New wings. New powers. New destiny.”
“And the whole mirror world affair. Still trying to wrap my head around that one.”
“How is she doing regarding the… well, regarding him ?”
“Ah, she’s still a bit numb over the whole thing. The first cut is the deepest, darling.”
Radish downed the rest of his mug.
“I know a lot about that.”
“Oh? To whom do you- oh! Her . Yes, I suppose you do have a rather unique perspective on first loves. If you’d like to talk about it sometime, I would be happy to lend an ear.”
“You know, I’d like that. Thanks, Rarity.”
“Not at all, dear.”
Radish enjoyed the way Rarity’s dears and darlings were rolling down his spine. They seemed a bit more personal tonight.
“Rarity, could I ask why you’re doing this?”
“Twilight is my friend, of course.”
“But why you ?”
“You mean, as opposed to one of the more action-oriented gals? Radish, if we relied on Rainbow Dash for this, she’d rough up every pony in town until they gave her the fastest lie. Applejack doesn’t do well in the big city. And Pinkie Pie… well, I love Pinkie Pie. But I believe a job like this takes a bit of the more subtle interpony skills, you see.”
“Charm, charisma, allure?”
“I wasn’t fishing for compliments, but I appreciate them nonetheless.”
“Why me?”
“For backup. The rest of my Canterlot-based friends are more of the genteel sort- unsuited to handle themselves on the rough-and-tumble streets of the arts district. Being a loyal friend of Twilight and a stalwart member of her majesty’s service, I could think of none better than you.”
Radish appreciated how her compliments were feeling extra personal tonight, as well.
“Where did you want to start?”
“Right here, of course.”
“Rye Stubble’s? This didn’t seem like the type of place they’d hang out. Too popular.”
“Rye Stubble knows every pony in Canterlot. He just takes a bit of flattery to get talking.”
“Okay, I’ll try. I’ll compliment his eyes.”
“Ha ha! Leave the flattery to me, dear.”
Rarity trotted to the bar and spoke with Rye Stubble, a thickly-muscled earth stallion. After a few minutes, she returned from the bar with two more mugs. Radish took his and sipped.
“He’s had some of the CAA literature placed in his bathrooms a few times. He’s seen the ponies who go in and out coinciding with their appearance in the stalls.”
“Does he have a description? Cutie marks?”
“Better than that, dear. Two of the very ponies are seated near the juking box. Don’t look.”
“I wasn’t. How do you want to play this?”
“I know. We’ll wait for them to place their flyers. You come out of the bathroom with one, we pretend to go over it with a great deal of interest. We leave, they follow us. They make their pitch to us. We join them at their headquarters. We speak with their leadership.”
“You think all that will happen?”
“Hope for the best.”
“Expect the worst.”
“Let’s not be negative. The night is a yearling.”
“Wouldn’t they recognize you? You’re a national hero. And a fashion icon. They might even know who I am- a lot of ponies in Midlo know me.”
“Oh, you’re sweet. But I haven’t been recognized yet. Aside from this unassuming number I’m wearing, I’ve never styled my mane like this before. And I’m wearing my most covert shade of eyeshadow.”
“It’s nice.”
“Thank you. As for you, well, we’ll have to take our chances.”
The two took turns watching the bathroom doors and the CAA ponies for the next few minutes. Rarity leaned close enough to him that he could smell her perfume. It was the fragrance she took from Nightmare Moon’s bedroom. It made him wish he had dabbed cologne on before coming.
“Ah, they’re making their move,” said Rarity.
The ponies entered and exited the bathrooms, one after another.
“Now, you see if he left any surprises in the gentlecolt’s latrine.”
Radish ignored her phrasing and entered the bathroom. He used it. He found a short stack of brightly-colored leaflets in his stall, and picked out one of a type that he had never seen before. Aside from various anti-Twilight screeds, this one had the time and place of the protest. He dumped the rest in the trash.
He got a third mule from the bar and sat back down next to Rarity, a few inches closer than before. He drank.
“Well, it’s them, all right.”
“Let’s see what we have here,” said Rarity, putting on her glasses. “Oh dear, this one is rather… irrational. And the spelling errors! Clearly not the literati they paint themselves as. Still, we must look interested. Now is the time for acting .”
They feigned interest in the leaflet, pantomiming a rousing discussion of its various claims. The ponies by the jukebox didn’t seem to be paying attention to the room.
“Drat,” said Rarity. “We’re getting nowhere fast.”
“Maybe they’re not here recruiting. They just drop the leaflets, have some drinks, and leave.”
“I believe we need to heighten the scenario. Go loud, or go home. Ah, we need to establish characters first. I will be ‘Glad Rags’. You’re ‘Flogger’.”
“Why do we-”
“Look, Flogger!” said Rarity, too loudly. “I told you that Twilight Sparkle was a fakeloo. Why, these CAA cats were wise to her shenanigans from the get-go!”
“Well, Glad Rags,” said Radish, meeting her energy, “these Canter rubes are the suckers that are born every minute. Why, I’m surprised they haven’t crowned the dumpster outside their princess!”
Rarity grinned. She referred back to the flier. “And looky here- says this coronation business is the biggest swindle this side of Chicoltgo! I bet that crown of hers is tinfoil!”
“I bet those wings of hers are cardboard!”
“I bet Starswirl’s last spell was a puddin’ recipe!”
“HEY!”
Radish and Rarity looked up. A very large stallion was in front of their table, flanked by two very large mares. They didn’t look friendly.
“What was that about Twilight Sparkle?” he demanded.
Radish tensed up. He scanned the room behind them, and most ponies had their eyes on them. Most looked displeased.
“What’s it to you, bucko? ” Rarity retorted.
“Twilight’s saved the world. Several times.”
“As a unicorn, right?” Rarity snapped. “Or maybe as a hydra, since she can apparently change her species at will.”
One of the mares stepped forth.
“She’s an alicorn princess now and she earned it. What have you ever done?”
“Bah! Who do you think you are, disturbing us like this?” said Rarity. “Go take your silly notions of insta-princesses and trot off!”
“What did you say?” growled the mare.
“Glad Rags,” said Radish, “don’t you think-”
“I said, ‘trot off’, you saps! Why, Twilight’s as much an alicorn as my left haunch! And as much a princess as my right one! Why don’t you coronate my keister?”
“Okay, you,” said the second mare, reaching toward Rarity.
“Hey, hooves off her!” yelled Radish, snatching the mare’s hooves.
“You-!” said the stallion, seizing Radish around the neck.
There was a flurry of limbs swinging, wings flapping, and horns flashing. A dozen angry shouts accompanied the shoving of furniture, the breaking of glasses, and the slamming of bodies. Several things hit Radish from several sides. He saw stars. The room tilted in a variety of directions, and Radish closed his eyes hoping to make it stop.
Radish opened his eyes. He was splayed down, with a trickle of water moving past his face.
“Oh dear, are you all right?” he could hear Rarity ask.
“Am I, literally, face-down in a gutter?”
“It’s my fault. I overplayed my part. But those others overreacted to my overacting. And the one who yelled, ‘And stay out!’- what a cliché!”
Radish lifted himself up and flopped down on the sidewalk. Rarity kneeled by him and helped him sit up. She pulled a handkerchief out of her bag and cleaned Radish’s face.
“That was most heroic, the way you leapt to my defense. I see I made the right choice in escorts.”
Radish watched her eyes as she worked. He had never noticed how unique their tint of blue was. He leaned toward her, putting his hoof on hers.
“Rarity…”
“Yes?”
“You’re really nice.”
“Ah, thank you. I try.”
He leaned closer.
“And you’re really pretty.”
“Oh. Uh, that’s appreciated.”
Radish clasped his hooves around hers. He put his muzzle centimeters from hers.
“Light and I broke up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Uh, very sorry to hear that.”
Radish leaned in. Rarity inched back, tugging her hoof away from him. Radish, seeing her cringe from him, let go and turned away.
“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry. Please forgive me.”
“I will. Just go easy on the drinks, all right? They went to your head faster than the pool cue that was broken over it.”
Radish flopped down on the ground again.
“I’ve lost her, Rarity. We were so happy, and it was just over with like, two sentences.”
“You know, if you want to make things up to a lady, starting with a token of appreciation is always, well, appreciated. Chocolates do nicely.”
“The thing is, she was in the wrong. Why should I have to apologize if I was right?”
“You committed no error to contribute?”
“Well, I think I called her an idiot.”
“Oh, Radish.”
“She was being an idiot.”
“Really, Radish!”
“I think she’s in the CAA.”
“Well, good. That means we’ll meet her tonight, and work this whole thing out.”
“How? We lost them, too. Have we accomplished anything tonight?”
“I do believe we’re about to find out. Game face on, Flogger.”
The two ponies from the CAA walked up to them.
“Denounce Twilight Sparkle too loudly in this town, this happens,” one of them said. “We should have put that on the flier.”
“Oh, you two made this?” Rarity asked.
“Yeah, you like?”
“We’re quite intrigued,” she said. “You’re with this… Campaign for Alicorn Authenticity? We’d like to hear more.”
“Come with us, we’ll get you some ice.”
Radish and Rarity followed the two down the street. They passed from Downtown to Midtown. On a dimly-lit and low-trafficked street, they turned into a narrow alleyway, at the end of which was an unmarked door. Radish wouldn’t have gone in there alone, and he certainly didn’t want to take Rarity in there.
They pushed open the door, revealing an intimate café. Ponies were seated at tables and on couches eating, drinking, and conversing. Light Fantastic wasn’t there.
One of the ponies gave Radish a bag of ice, which he held to the side of his head. The four sat down at a table.
“I’m Swash, this is Serif. We handle getting the word out.”
“Then you’re the leaders of the Campaign?” Radish asked.
“No, the Campaign has no leaders and no followers, just truth-seekers from all walks.”
“I see,” Radish said skeptically.
“Tell me,” said Rarity, “how did you come to learn about this, uh, hoax?”
“It’s just the latest lie from Twilight Sparkle,” said Swash.
“Twi-lie Sparkle,” corrected Serif. Swash laughed.
“Very droll,” said Rarity. “Continue.”
“They want us to believe that six ordinary ponies keep saving the day. It’s absurd. One of them is a party planner. One of them is an apple farmer. One of them sells dresses .”
They laughed. Rarity gave no hint of offense, and even laughed with him. Radish was impressed.
“Why the deception?” asked Radish.
“For false hope. They want us to think normal ponies have a chance against villains, so we all get complacent.”
“Is ‘they’ the princesses?”
“Yes,” said Serif.
“No,” said Swash. “The princesses are just puppets.”
“Of whom?” asked Rarity.
“The Royal Spymaster. He’s in charge of everything.”
“Oh? The Royal Spymaster exists? And is a he?” Radish asked.
“Yeah! He works out of the tunnels under the palace.”
“I never knew that,” Radish said.
“No,” said Serif, “the princesses are the ones behind everything.”
“Says you,” scoffed Swash.
“Anyway , they want ponies complacent, so they can seize power.”
“Are they not in power already?” asked Rarity.
“More power, I mean. Celestia has been trying to get her hooks deeper into everyone’s lives for a long time. The people have been resisting her, but now they’ll just follow Twilight, and Twilight is just a pawn of Celestia.”
Radish fought to keep every protective instinct he had from showing.
“But what about her wings?” he asked.
“Fake.”
“How? They move.”
“Who ever heard of a unicorn becoming an alicorn?”
“I… uh… haven’t, I guess.”
The door opened. It was Hazy Shade, walking in with her girlfriend. She immediately noticed Radish. She trotted up to him, looking curious. He tried to hide his eyes.
“Radish? What are you doing here?”
“Oh, hi Hazy.”
Several heads turned to him. Several ponies whispered amongst themselves.
“Wait, Radish? Radish Root?”
“Root?”
“The guy with the naughty marks?”
“Light’s boyfriend Radish?”
“Isn’t he a palace guard?”
“A Celestibot?”
“What’s he doing here?”
Most of the crowd was staring at him. Some looked angry. Some looked frightened. Some were backing away from him. Some were approaching him. Swash and Serif gave each other a worried look.
Then, Rarity stood up on her seat. “Yes! You may all wonder no longer why I look so familiar! ‘Tis I! Rarity!”
She flung off her hat and shook out her mane to its full volume. All eyes looked at her, confused.
“Who?” asked several.
“Rarity!” she said again louder for the ones in the back.
Heads turned to look at each other for explanation. Ponies confusedly muttered amongst themselves.
“Wait, she’s one of the Pastelles!” one shouted.
“The, er, the what?” asked Rarity.
A tall green unicorn approached their table. “What do you two want here?”
“Are you the leader of this clandestine enclave of iconoclasts?” asked Rarity.
“My name is Pilcrow. The C-double-A has no leaders and no followers, just truth-seekers from all walks.”
“You hear that, Rarity?” said Radish. “No leaders here. If we want to deliver that message from Princess Twilight Sparkle, we need to find some important ponies.”
He stood up to leave. Rarity, catching his drift, added, “Indeed. Good day to you lower rungs.”
“Stop,” said Pilcrow, annoyed.
Radish smiled to himself.
“If you have something important to say, say it so all can hear.”
“Only this,” said Rarity. “We would like you to meet with Twilight.”
“Why?” shouted one of the ponies. “So she can turn us to stone?”
“Banish us to the moon?” called out another.
“Trap us in a mirror world?” shouted a third.
“Now, really!” objected Rarity. “Such paranoia! Twilight is the sweetest pony, and you’ve made her out to be some manner of tyrant. Why, the only thing she dominates is a game of trivia.”
“If Twilight wants to meet, she can come to the protest,” said Pilcrow. “And she’d better be prepared for a debate.”
“She'll be there," said Radish.
"It should be a rousing meeting of the minds,” said Rarity.
“And you ,” he said to Radish, “we know the palace is planning on swarming the square with guards. Tell your ‘superiors’ we will not be intimidated, we will not stand down, and we will not stop fighting for the truth, no matter how many soldiers they sic on us. And if they start something, well… just see what happens.”
“Yeah!” called out a patron. “We’re not afraid!”
There were shouts of affirmations across the crowd. Radish looked at Hazy Shade. Her ears drooped in worry.
“Fine,” said Rarity. “We take our leave. Good night.”
The door snapped shut behind them. They exited the alley and walked down the street.
“That went well,” said Radish.
“Hmm. I was afraid it would come to this. Twilight surrounded by demonstrators.”
“And demonstrators surrounded by guards,” noted Radish.
“Yes, but who watches the watchponies?” asked Rarity.
They passed a newspaper kiosk. Radish asked Rarity to wait for a minute, then bought a candy bar and offered it to her.
“Chocolate. A token of appreciation,” he said.
“Oh, that’s sweet,” she said, taking it. “but make sure your token for Light Fantastic is a little less impromptu.”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do about her. If we broke up over this, we’ll probably break up over the next issue. Maybe we were never really compatible. We’re so different.”
“Compatible, my tail,” scoffed Rarity. “There are no two creatures in the world who are so different that they can’t love each other. The only question, Radish, is, ‘Do you love her?’”
“Of course! Oh. I do. I really do. Now what?”
“I may never get another chance to tell this to someone: Fight for her!”
Radish smiled at Rarity. “I’m glad you asked me to come along tonight. I think you’re the wisest of the six.”
“Oh, just a hopeless romantic.”
“So, think Twilight is up to this?”
“I know she is. I’ve seen her debate trophies.”
“Wait, why would she debate a trophy?”
“Ha ha.”
“By the way, if you hear about a bake-off in Ponyville, it’s a distraction from the protest.”
“Ooh, that explains it! Why else would the prize for a small-town baking competish be so exorbitant? They’re offering a trip to Las Pegasus to the winner!”
“Ugh, real subtle, Shining.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish made his way to his captain’s office just as she was leaving out the door.
“Ma’am, I haven’t received my assignment for the protest today.”
“We’ve got who we need going. Your unit is staying here.”
“Ma’am, I thought the point was to show overwhelming numbers today.”
She looked him up and down.
“I think you’re close enough to this thing already.”
She walked away.
Radish waited until she was out of the palace, then followed her. He peeked out the front doors and saw her meeting with Shining Armor on the front steps.
“Prince Armor, what is the meaning of this? You said you were bringing extra forces from the Crystal Empire.”
“And here he is. Flash Sentry is one of my best ponies. Plus, he knows Canterlot.”
Flash Sentry landed on the step beside Shining Armor. He saluted.
“This show of numbers was your idea,” she said. “And you only bring one guard?”
Shining Armor shrugged. “It’s only one protest.”
“You are aware, your highness, that the Wonderbolts have also only contributed a token member today? And he says he can lend medical support only.”
Radish looked up. A blue-suited Wonderbolt with a medic's bag and patches hovered above them. He saluted.
“Is that Laminar? Hi, Laminar!” said Shining Armor. “He’s a fine ’bolt.”
“I don’t know why everyone else is backing down on our numbers, but I decide where I put my guards.”
She turned to the door. Radish froze.
“Root! You got your wish! Get your unit and get out here.”
Seventy Royal Guards, one Crystal Empire Guard, and one Wonderbolt medic marched through the streets to Canter Square, followed by a procession of City Watchponies. Radish had never walked these streets in armor. He looked left and right at his fellow guards, then past them to the faces of Canterlites on the sidewalks. They furrowed their brows at the passing troops, pushing their children behind themselves.
I feel like I’m part of an army invading my own town. But when did Canterlot start feeling like my own town? When I met Light Fantastic, that’s when.
They reached Canter Square, a large plaza in the municipal district. It was set into the ground, with stairs leading down on all four sides. One side featured a stage, which was now populated by CAA members. The plaza was full of Canterlites standing muzzle-to-tail. Their numbers spilled out onto the stairs and up into the surrounding walkways. Many were carrying anti-Twilight signs. Many were chanting anti-Twilight slogans.
Radish couldn’t count them all. He used a trick the Rangers taught him to estimate the numbers of birds in a flock, first counting a small segment and multiplying that over the rest. He estimated their numbers as just about a thousand.
Saguaro Shade stepped up beside Radish.
“What was that you said? ‘Fewer than a hundred’? They ‘barely exist’?”
“Sir, are you worried?”
“Canterlot didn’t see a protest this big when Discord was paroled. Just keep your head on a swivel, and if push comes to shove, don’t shove too hard. We all still have to share this town at the end of the day.”
On stage, Pilcrow was shouting his screeds into a megaphone. Hazy Shade was to the side, looking worried. Ponies were shouting in assent. Radish tried not to listen, but it was impossible to block them all out.
“And the cowardly false princess is too scared to even show her face today!” Pilcrow yelled.
The crowds jeered Twilight. Radish’s heartrate accelerated. His jaw ached from clenching his teeth. Sweat pooled under his armor.
“Look!” called out a voice.
A winged shadow swooped over the crowds. Radish peered into the sunny sky. It was Twilight Sparkle. She flapped down and alighted onto the stage. Spike climbed off her back. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy swooped in, dropping Rarity and Applejack beside her. Pinkie Pie popped up behind them, somehow.
“Good afternoon,” she said with a spread-wing bow. “I am Princess Twilight Sparkle. I understand I was invited here today.”
Ponies gasped. Ponies booed. Radish smiled.
“I know that me becoming a princess was a shock to many of you,” Twilight said, pacing the stage while looking out at the masses. “It was a shock to me, too. But I’m here to reassure you.”
“It’s no shock! It’s just a lie!” shouted Pilcrow. “You’re not a princess.”
Twilight turned to him.
“I was recently crowned princess at the Royal Palace of Canterlot. A triumvirate of established princesses conducted my coronation.” She pulled out a stack of papers. “I have their affidavits on file, and these are photostatic copies…”
“They don’t have the right to crown whoever they want!”
Twilight pulled out a small blue booklet. Radish recognized it as a copy of Equestria’s constitution, sold in the palace gift shop for five bits.
“You’re right. They can’t crown whoever they want . However, they can crown any creature that meets certain requirements. It’s spelled out in Article XXXIII of The Constitution of Equestria.”
The crowd muttered amongst themselves. Radish had never read that far into the constitution. He wondered if anyone here except Twilight had.
“They deemed me worthy,” continued Twilight, “upon my completion of Starswirl the Bearded’s unfinished spell, which unleashed new magic upon the world.”
“You never did that!”
“I did. And these six here were witnesses," said Twilight, gesturing to her friends. "They can provide sworn testimony-”
“They’re all your flunkies!”
“-that when I completed the spell, the Elements of Harmony activated and transformed me into an alicorn.”
“You can’t just become an alicorn!”
Twilight pulled out a large, ancient tome. She opened it to the middle, and showed the crowd pictures of cave drawings.
“That’s actually an interesting topic. See, current researches into the paleo-pony period suggest an ancient-”
“Shut up! No one cares! You’re a fraud! You’re a liar! You can’t prove any of this!”
Twilight snapped the tome shut.
“Well, I can prove one thing.”
She addressed the crowd.
“On the day of my coronation, three ponies were arrested attempting to disrupt the proceedings. My first official act as princess is to release them and commute their sentences to community service.”
“Beg pardon, your highness!” said Barrel Roller, flying forward. “Not even you have the authority to release my prisoners.”
“Spike?” called Twilight.
Spike stepped forward with a scroll. He cleared his throat and read from it.
“According to royal tradition, a newly-crowned princess may grant boons, favors, pardons, and gifts to anyone for her coronation day.”
“That coronation day was weeks ago,” said Barrel Roller.
“But the offenses happened on that day,” noted Spike. “We believe the wording is open to interpretation. If you’d like to challenge that, know that both Princesses Celestia and Luna have sided with us.”
“It was a treason charge!”
“But not by who you think!” shouted a new voice. It was Light Fantastic. She flapped out of the crowd, and landed on the stage.
Radish held his breath. The paving stones beneath his hooves felt like they were slipping away. City Watchponies moved to apprehend Light, but Twilight gestured them back.
“Twilight. Captain,” said Light. “I was the one who leaked the holes in the palace’s security. I uh, overheard someone speculating about them. I only told some friends as a joke because of how silly it sounded. I never thought what I said would reach the CAA. I never thought anyone would be stupid enough to try it!”
Radish nearly fumbled his spear. He recovered and clung to it tightly, needing its support to remain standing. He stared at Light, but she didn’t turn to the crowd.
Light walked up to Barrel Roller. She held up her forehooves.
“I’m the one who should be arrested. Do what you’ve got to do.”
“No!” shouted Hazy Shade. She rushed in front of Light. “I was the one she told. I passed it on. Arrest me, not her.”
Barrel Roller looked past them to Twilight. “I suppose you’ll just pardon them, as well?”
“I’d like to be consistent on this, captain.”
Barrel Roller grumbled. She leaned into Light’s face.
“Overheard someone , huh?” she muttered under her breath.
“If you had done your job-” Light muttered back.
“We don’t condone their infiltration,” said Pilcrow. “But that’s what happens when ponies are made desperate. Desperate to dispel the lies of this false princess!”
Twilight turned back to the crowd.
“Let us examine their intentions, then. Those three believe my wings are fake. I know that many more of you hold that opinion.”
“I also know that the strangest claims need the strongest evidence. I never thought I could become an alicorn. I wouldn’t have believed it if it hadn’t happened to me. I didn’t need to take it on faith, because I had the evidence growing out of my back.
“But you’ve all been asked to take that on faith. I cannot ask you to accept something so strange without evidence. So, watch and see for yourselves.”
She spread her wings, hopped, and flapped. She hovered in the air, flying a low course over the crowd, letting them feel her downwash and hear her wingbeats. She returned to land where she started from. Rainbow Dash gave her a wink of approval.
Some of the crowd was talking between themselves. There was scattered applause. Pilcrow scoffed.
“You think anyone believes that? You were just being levitated. Probably by Celestia herself!”
Twilight looked disturbed. She looked down at Spike, and he put his arm on her side in reassurance. She looked at her friends, and they nodded at her. She caught sight of Radish in the crowd, but he could only look on in worry. She looked Pilcrow in the eye.
“Well then, how about this?”
She turned around and kneeled. Radish tensed up. The Watchponies tensed up. Most guards turned to look at Shining Armor, who watched, stone-faced.
Twilight spread her wings and held them behind herself.
“To any of you who believe my wings are fake. To any of you who believe you can just pull them off. Come. Try it.”
Gasps and murmurs poured out of the crowd.
Pilcrow stepped forward, eyes narrowed. Several guards approached the two. Apples splattered on the pavement in front of them, causing them to startle back. Applejack put herself between the guards and the two, angrily shaking her head.
Pilcrow stood behind Twilight. He grabbed one of her wings between his hooves, and pulled.
Three City Watchponies rushed toward them. Pinkie Pie leapt in front of them, growling. They worriedly backed away.
Pilcrow pulled harder. Twilight held fast onto the ground, gritting her teeth.
Flash Sentry flew at them. Fluttershy intercepted him and stared him down. He hovered back, craning his neck around her to watch Twilight. He took a look at Shining Armor, who kept his eyes on Twilight.
Pilcrow gave up on pulling with his hooves, then put a telekinetic aura around both wings. He tugged them both in opposite directions. Twilight winced and bit her lower lip.
Laminar lifted his goggles and made worried eye contact with Rainbow Dash. She gave him a worried face back.
Pilcrow released his aura, frustrated. He walked closer to Twilight, then bit down on one of the feathers and yanked back. Twilight’s eyes twitched as she was dragged backwards.
Radish had seen enough. He galloped forward, but Rarity put herself between them, holding up a hoof and keeping a steady expression. He stopped. They both watched.
The feather ripped out with a ribbon of crimson.
Twilight’s eyes went wide in pain and she held in her breath. Her body shuddered and she buckled to the ground. She cradled her wing, wincing.
The crowd gasped. The guards gasped. Twilight’s friends gasped. Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade gasped. Flash Sentry dropped to the ground, horrified. Light Fantastic sank to her knees. Radish felt sick. Shining Armor stared, not moving, not breathing.
Laminar rushed onstage and opened his medical kit. Twilight held out her wing while he cleaned and bandaged the wound.
Pilcrow stared at the feather in his hoof. Hazy Shade walked up to him to see it.
“That’s a real pegasus feather!” she said.
“No, it’s not,” said Pilcrow.
“Look!” she said, taking it. “It’s a primary! It feels real.”
“She has a pet owl!” said Pilcrow. “She could have plucked it, painted it, and glued it on!”
“This isn’t an owl feather. There’s no glue. And it hasn’t been painted. Look, you can tell by the iridescence.” She sniffed it. “This has fresh preen oil on it. Twilight… do you have a preen gland now?”
Twilight looked down, embarrassed, and curled her tail behind her.
“It doesn’t matter! It could have come from anywhere!” spat Pilcrow.
“But look- there’s blood!” She looked at Laminar bandaging Twilight’s twitching wing. “She’s bleeding!”
“That could be blood from anything! She could have bled a mouse!”
“Why?” asked Light Fantastic. She stepped forward. “You’re saying she faked the wings, faked the feathers, faked the color, faked the oil, and faked the blood? And all that’s more likely than just sprouting wings?”
“You can’t just become an alicorn!”
“Says fuckin’ who?” Light demanded.
“Why are you falling for this?” growled Pilcrow. “You just want to eat up anything the palace serves you? She could be a changeling! She could be Discord! This could be an illusion spell! She could have slipped us all a potion!”
“You can’t pull feathers off a changeling!” shouted a pegasus from the crowd.
“Discord never does anything !” shouted an earth pony.
“There’s no illusion spell for that!” yelled a unicorn.
“There’s no potion for that, either!” called a mule.
“Hey, maybe she’s just an alicorn,” shrugged Light. Grumbles of agreement rose from the crowds.
Light looked into Pilcrow’s eyes.
“I supported this demonstration, not because I believed in your message, but because I believe any pony should be able to speak whatever message they want. Because that’s how new truths emerge. But you don’t care about truth, do you? You only care about looking right. And now you just double down on being wrong?”
“She’s no princess!”
“Pilcrow,” said Twilight, shakily. “What would convince you?”
“Nothing from you!”
“Then what? If a feather in your hoof can’t tell you that my wings are real, what can? What can anypony do?”
Pilcrow looked around. All eyes were on him.
“And,” continued Twilight, “if no answer I can provide is good enough, what kind of answers do you have?”
Pilcrow exasperatedly looked around him. The crowd was now looking more angry at him than at Twilight. He reared up on his hind legs.
“You’ll all be sorry that you ever fell for a fake princess!” he bellowed.
“I’m sorry I ever fell for your nonsense!” yelled Hazy Shade.
Shouts of assent arose from the crowd. Pilcrow let out a series of curses and shoved his way out of the plaza. A few ponies followed him.
Twilight watched them go. Laminar finished working on her wing, and she spoke into the megaphone.
“Now, I can stay and try to address any more questions or concerns the rest of you have.”
After a long Q&A, ponies slowly filtered out of the square. Twilight leaned against Spike, exhausted. Radish started to approach her, but saw Shining Armor get to her first. He backed away, letting the siblings talk between themselves.
As he waited, Rarity walked up behind him.
“You know,” she started, “I always wanted to be a princess. The day Twilight became one, I was madly envious. So much so that I started to resent her.”
Radish looked at her with surprise.
“Oh, it’s true,” she continued. “I went home that night and positively fumed. I threw things. I cried. I vowed to stay home on her coronation.
“But the next morning I woke up barely remembering what I was mad about. I looked out my window and saw Twilight out in the street, helping settle an argument some children were having over a game.
“I felt deeply ashamed of myself. You asked me why I was helping Twilight with this? That’s why. To make up for that. Twilight’s always been a princess, Radish. She never needed wings to prove that. There was never a pony who cared more deeply, felt more deeply, gave more of herself, for her fellow creatures.”
“She’s lucky to have you.”
“Not just me. Come by the shop sometime. I think a loyal and stalwart member of her majesty’s guard deserves a nice tie for his efforts.”
“Thanks.”
“And bring Light Fantastic.”
“I’m… working on it.”
“Good. Take care, dear.”
“Take care, Rarity.”
Rarity trotted away. Radish started making his way to the stage. As he approached, he heard Twilight ask her brother, “Oh, one other thing. May I have a word with Flash Sentry before you two leave?”
Radish stopped. Shining Armor looked over to Flash.
“Of course,” he said.
“And Captain Roller, I also need to speak with Major Root.”
She looked at Radish. He shrugged at her. She rolled her eyes.
“Anything you want, your highness.”
Twilight and Flash Sentry took a bench overlooking Canter Square. Radish sat alone at a picnic table a good distance from them. He never realized how big the plaza was, or that it seemed to be designed to accommodate a protest of this size. Radish wondered if the city planners had many protests in mind when they built it.
Shining Armor walked up behind him and sat down.
“Hi, Root.”
“Prince Armor.”
“How about just ‘Shining’?”
“‘Radish’, then.”
“Quite a day, Radish.”
“I guess the bake-off ended early.”
“Heh. Yeah. Only one entry. The schoolteacher’s going to Las Pegasus. So, Twilight and Flash Sentry, huh?”
“You must have known. Why else bring him here?”
“Well, I suspected. She requisitioned the files for his entire squad, saying she was researching deployment logistics. But when I got the folders back, only his file had been looked through. I think she pawed his photo.”
“Yikes, what a dork.”
“Yeah, but she’s our dork. You know, my talent is protection. When there’s trouble, my first instinct is always to throw a shield, or myself, in harm’s way. And I’ve always done what I could to protect Twilight. But there are things that I can’t protect her from.” He waved a hoof out toward the plaza. “Things like doubt, accusations, politics . Can’t stop those with a shield.
“But loneliness, I thought I could help her with. I was so happy that day that she made friends. So I did what I thought would help those friendships grow. But Cadance tells me that I've been… overstepping my boundaries… when it comes to your friendship with Twilight."
"Those were her exact words?"
"No, her exact words weren’t so diplomatic.”
“It’s been a crowded dynamic.”
“Is that your way of saying I’ve been a pain in the butt?”
“Yes, but diplomatically.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks. I can understand the need to protect Twilight’s happiness- I feel it, too.”
“Yeah. But as you said, I don’t even live here anymore. I have a whole empire to worry about now. And a wife.”
“You heard all that?”
“The palace walls are thinner than most think. And you ranger types talk louder than you realize.”
“Oh.”
“But I needed to hear it. Do you know why I didn’t fire you after Nightmare Moon?”
“Twilight?”
“Yeah. But not what she said about you, it’s what you said about her. I had already decided before she plead your case.
“See, all her life, Twilight’s gotten a lot of praise. From teachers, from Celestia, from her family. The night of that Summer Sun, you praised her. But you weren’t treating her like some schoolfilly who got straight As. You treated her like a resource. Like a useful expert. Everyone tells her she’s great, but you told me she was necessary to save the day. And you were proven right ten seconds later.
“I didn’t want to lose a pony with that kind of insight. And it was the right decision. You’ve done well with what’s been asked of you.”
“Thanks.”
Twilight and Flash were sharing a laugh over something. Shining Armor sighed.
“Can’t stop heartbreak with a shield, either. Too bad it didn’t work out. He’s a good guy. In any world.”
“You knew about that too?”
“Yeah. You know, I wouldn’t have cared if she ended up with four-legged Flash, or two-legged Flash, or like, an eight-legged Flash. She could end up with a dragon, or a griffon, or Pinkie Pie. As long as she’s happy. But, uh, do me a favor- promise me you won’t pursue her that way?”
Radish turned to him, surprised.
“Nothing personal,” said Shining, “but I’ve always liked that she has a pen pal. A friend with a more distant perspective, not all caught up in Ponyville shenanigans. You’re her rock in Canterlot. She needs your type of friendship more than she knows.”
“I already have a girlfri… oh. I guess I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. We broke up. Because of all this.”
“Well, if you want to make up with a girl, start with flowers.”
“Rarity said chocolates.”
“That’s good too.”
“Shining… Twilight and Flash. Me and Light. Rarity and the CAA. Everything that’s happened today. Did you know how all this would turn out?”
“Come on, you make me sound like I’m some kind of chess master. I’m more of a quarterback- I believe that if you put the best ponies together, you get the best results. I’m always surprised by what the best come up with. And that includes you.”
“Thanks.”
“Oh, and Saguaro Shade was wrong about one thing- I don’t need a win. I’m a shield guy, not a sword guy. Shields are supposed to take damage to protect the important ones. I don’t care how many dents and scratches I take- it’s a win for me if everyone makes it through another day.”
“Then you won today.”
“Well, I’d give this one to Twilight. It’s clear she doesn’t need me looking over her shoulder anymore, so I’m going back where I belong. Just keep being her rock, okay?”
“I will. Goodbye, Shining. See you around.”
Radish watched as Twilight and Flash shook hooves, smiling. They said goodbyes, and Flash flew to join Shining Armor. Twilight caught sight of Radish and trotted up to him.
“Hey,” she said.
“Hey. How did it go?”
“Well, I explained everything. About him, about the other him. He was really nice about it. But it would never have worked out. He met Shinethrough the day he transferred to the Crystal Empire. They fell in love at first sight.”
"Hmm. Sorry.”
"Don't be. The more we talked, the more I realized he's just not the Flash I knew. But we're parting as friends."
“How’s the wing?”
“Still hurts. Fluttershy said that feather will take a year to grow back. I have molting season to look forward to now.”
She put her head on the table.
“I can’t believe all of Canterlot heard about my preen gland.”
Radish patted her head.
“That was insanely brave of you,” he said. “He could have really hurt you. ”
“Well, it was all I could think of. Facts weren’t working. I had to find something more visceral. Speaking of which, here. You can keep this.”
She pulled her plucked feather out of her bag and gave it to Radish.
“Oh, a princess-feather quill! Cool.”
“Write to me with it some time. I want to see how it handles ink.”
“I bet it will make my writing ten times smarter.”
Twilight smiled at him while he put the quill in his bag.
“Think this kind of thing is over?” he asked her.
“We’ll see. I’ll keep trying to reach out to everyone. A princess is supposed to bring ponies together, not rip them apart. Speaking of which, Rarity said you and Light broke up… because of me.”
“It’s not your fault. We both just lost our tempers.”
“Think you’ll patch things up?”
“I’m going to try.”
“Good, because she’s right over there. See ya, Rad.”
“See ya, Twi.”
Light Fantastic approached them. Twilight hugged her, and Light hugged back. Radish could hear them whisper something between each other. Twilight then smiled at Radish, and walked away.
“Hey,” said Light. “My turn to talk with you at last? Or does Applejack have next?”
“It’s us now.”
“I’m sorry,” they both said simultaneously.
“No, I’m-,” they both tried to start again. Radish gestured to Light that she should go first.
“This whole thing is pretty much my fault, isn’t it? I didn’t know Hazy was with them. I was just joking with her about you. I didn’t think I’d be a patsy to espionage.”
“No, it’s my fault. I’m not supposed to talk about palace security with anyone.”
“And I should have put conditions on what my commissions are used for. I was never on their side, Rad. I just thought they should be allowed to ask questions.”
“And I never wanted to stop them asking questions, Light. But not all ponies ask questions in good faith. They’re not looking for answers, they’re looking for attention. Or trouble.”
“I’ve known Pilcrow for years. I just figured he would accept the truth when he saw it.”
“That’s awfully optimistic. I thought you were a cynic.”
“Cynicism soothes. And it sells. But it doesn’t save. A day like today, only a wide-eyed little optimist like Twilight Sparkle could have saved. Damn, did you see her when he ripped out that feather? She didn’t even make a noise. I’ve got to do something with that.”
“What, Twilight merchandise? I thought that doesn’t sell.”
“It might now. Maybe a line of buttons to show off Princess Twi pride. Like one that says, ‘Come. Try it.’ Good line.”
“Good princess.”
“Yeah. So… about us.”
“I’m sorry I called you an idiot.”
“Oh yeah, you did, didn’t you? I’m sorry about calling you a… what was it? ‘Celestia-heinie-kissing… tin-plated… wind-up toy’?”
“I’m sorry I-”
“We’ll be here all day if we did this for each one. Bottom line is: I lo... I, uh… I lo…”
Radish smiled and held her hoof. She screwed up all her strength and spat it out.
“I love you, okay!? I want to be with you!”
Radish hugged her tightly. “I love you, too, Fan.”
He reached into his saddlebag and pulled out a box of chocolate-covered daffodils. “I got you this. A token of appreciation.”
“Chocolates and flowers,” she said. “Nice. Share them at my place later?”
“I’ll be there.”
“I’ve got something for you, too.”
She pulled out a paper candy bag. Radish could smell what was inside.
“You know I hate these things. And I hate your breath after you’ve been eating them. And this batch is homemade, so now I hate the way my kitchen smells.”
“Really? You made these?”
He pulled out a jalapeño chew and ate it. He closed his eyes to savor it.
“These are the best I’ve ever had.”
“Yeah, right. I know Sky made- mmpph!”
Radish kissed her. She kissed back. Her eyes watered. She broke the kiss and spit on the ground.
“Ugh, they’re still awful. But I think I’m starting to see the appeal.”
They hugged. She took her gift, and started to hover away.
“Oh yeah, Swash says you made a pass at Rarity,” she said, smirking.
“Go on, let me have it.”
“Was that your line?”
They both laughed.
“She’s actually pretty knowledgeable,” Radish said.
“Yeah, those Pastelles make a good team.”
“We make a good team.”
“Ugh, save the sappy stuff for tonight, okay?”
She flew off.
Radish left the table and looked around. Ponies were going about their own business, for better or for worse. He caught sight of Twilight talking to the rest of her friends. Saguaro Shade was speaking with some civilians. Barrel Roller was talking to a pony running a popcorn stand. She looked at him and made a motion, indicating they were recalling back to the palace.
Radish began his shift the following morning with a patrol of the palace’s back patio. He always loved the way the morning sun hit it. He was surprised to see Princess Celestia sipping espresso at one of the tables- she must have raised the sun from her table just a minute ago. Radish saluted.
“Good morning, major.”
“Good morning, your highness.”
She motioned him to sit down with her. He did.
“I don’t believe that’s an approved addition to your uniform,” she said.
He looked down at the magnetic button stuck on his chestplate, an angular drawing of Twilight with her wings spread wide and her horn held high.
“Sorry, ma’am. Light made it.”
“I’ll let it slide for today. Thank you for helping Twilight during these… complicated times.”
“Always. How are you handling these, uh, complicated times?”
“I have to admit, I was worried. Twilight can be as sensitive as she can be fearless. It’s her friends that make the difference.”
“You know, princess, some ponies around Canterlot don’t put a lot of stock in Twilight and her friends.”
“You mean, ‘the Pastelles’?”
“Heh, yeah. Most of Midlo see them as just some PR stunt. Figureheads. Just cutesy extensions of your will. But seeing them in action today, staring down guards, defending Twilight’s choice to put herself in danger… I think some minds are going to change.”
“One can hope. But they’re not the only friends I was talking about.”
“Me? I didn’t do much for… wait. I guess I did have a lot to do with how things turned out. Shining overheard me and deescalated. Twilight came because of Rarity and I. Hazy and Light stood up for Twilight out of guilt over using me.”
“And the Wonderbolts reduced their commitment to medical support after Captain Spitfire witnessed a certain bar brawl over the issue. It convinced her that a show of force would make force inevitable.”
“Oh, she was there? That was lucky.”
“Well, she’s at Rye Stubble’s almost every night.”
“Huh. A lot of things had to come together just the right way. Is that how it feels to run a kingdom?”
Celestia laughed. “Every great heroic moment is built upon many smaller ones.”
“That should be the Royal Guard motto,” chuckled Radish.
“It was a candidate, but Luna wanted something dramatic. Thus, ‘Back, I Say!’ was born.”
“How have you been? I haven’t seen you much lately.”
“I’m well, thank you for asking. I’ve been busy researching.”
“Oh, really?”
“Researching cutie marks.”
Radish cocked his head at her. “As in, my cutie mark?”
“Luna and I thought that Starswirl’s spell, when completed, may shed some light on it.”
“That’s why you sent the spell to Twilight?”
She nodded. “From one to another, another to one. A mark of one's destiny singled out alone, fulfilled. It sure sounded like you. But while her completion of the spell was an incredible achievement, I’m afraid it yielded no answers for you, Radish.”
“Thanks for trying. But it’s okay. A lot of ponies don’t think about their marks. Zero’s is a dartboard, and I’ve never seen him play darts.”
“I wish to ask you something, but you don’t have to answer if you feel it’s inappropriate.”
“What’s that?”
“Would you still have a happy life if the two of us never, ever do what your mark depicts?”
“Princess!”
“You don’t have to answer.”
“I haven’t thought about you that way in…”
He sighed.
“No, that’s not true. I still have dreams about us, together. Even though I love Light Fantastic, I still imagine you and I, from time to time. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for your dreams, or your imagination. It’s a unique mystery that has bound us, Radish.”
“Princess, I don’t think you should research my mark anymore. You have enough to worry about. And to answer your question: yes. I’ll be happy. I am happy. But more importantly, I want you to be happy. Princess Celestia… are you happy?”
She leaned back with her demitasse and smiled. “It’s been a long time since anyone has asked me that. Yes, Radish. I am. It’s hard not to be happy on a morning like this.”
“Glad to hear it.” He stood up to resume his duties. “Have a good day, princess.”
“Have a good day, Radish.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish took a deep breath and entered his captain’s office. She was at her desk, typing. She looked up at him.
“Mornin’, Root.”
“Ma’am, I’m here to take responsibility for the Coronation Day infiltration. It was all my fault- they only got as far as they did because I was careless about discussing palace security.”
Barrel Roller pushed an unfurled scroll toward him. It had the cutie marks of Celestia, Luna, Cadance, and Twilight stamped across the bottom.
“Yeah, I know. But the four princesses have elected not to prosecute you on the matter.”
“Oh… I see.”
“But that only clears you of the criminal charges. Your actions not only endangered the princesses, but the palace staff, guests, and your fellow guards. And I have every right to punish a guard who violates his oath to defend Equestria.”
“Yes, ma’am. I’ll take whatever punishment is coming to me.”
She put a document with her own letterhead on top of the scroll. “Two weeks’ suspension. Without pay.”
“Oh? Uh, yes, ma’am.”
She rolled her chair over to her file cabinet and pulled out a folder. “And when that’s done, you’ve got a new assignment. We got the go-ahead for the Everfree Forest research station. It’ll take some time to set up the facility, and then you’re taking charge of it.”
“You want me to lead the station?”
“The whole thing was your idea, Root. A number of personnel only signed on to the project when they learned your name was attached.”
“What, me? Why?”
She flipped through the folder. “Some of the newer guards wanted to learn under the guy who faced off against the changeling commander. Some of the science team wanted to work alongside the guy who uncovered the history of the Storm Centurions. And a lot of ponies just want to meet the guy who beat Celestia in a cage match.”
“Really?”
“Really. You’re making a name for yourself out there, Root.”
“I never thought I’d be renowned for something other than… well, you know.”
“Uh huh.”
“But even so… I no longer feel like I should take a posting so far away from my girlfriend.”
“Her?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Root, new projects need strong leadership to get off the ground. You can name a replacement once the place is running smoothly. A few months, maybe.”
“Well, then, I’d want to use a pegasus chariot to come and go from Canterlot as I please.”
“You’re a major now. You already get that perk.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“All right, ma’am. I'll do it."
"Huzzah."
Radish lay back on his bed, reading detective anthology. There was a knock at this door. He opened it to see Light Fantastic, with a sheepish-looking Hazy Shade behind her.
“Hi, girls,” he said.
"Radish," said Hazy, "Light told me about how you got suspended because of me. I've come to apologize."
“I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself.”
“Just let her do this, Rad,” said Light. “Midtowners have a ritual for settling accounts.”
“Uh, okay.” He let them into his quarters. “How do you settle accounts?”
Hazy Shade held up two small glass bottles in her wings- one dark green and one pale yellow. “These liquors are hoofmade in the neighborhood. The green one is expensive and really good. The yellow one is really cheap and horrible. The wronged party -that’s you- gets a choice: you can either take the green as a gift, or make me drink the yellow as my punishment. Either way, we stay friends.”
“None of this is necessary. Everything worked out in the end.”
“No, it’s definitely necessary,” said Hazy.
“Yeah, Rad,” said Light, “she came out all this way. Don’t you want to honor our neighborhood traditions?”
“Fine. I’ll take the green.”
Hazy passed Radish the bottle. “Okay. Fanny also gets to pick, since I wronged her, too.”
“Oh, you’re getting the yellow,” said Light.
Hazy sighed. “I knew you’d say that.”
“Is it really that bad?" asked Radish.
“Worse.”
Radish took a sip of the green bottle. His eyes widened. “Whoa, this is good.”
Hazy pinched her nostrils closed with her wings and took a swig of the yellow bottle. She forced it down, shuddering. She held still for a moment, then bolted to Radish’s bathroom, slamming the door behind her.
“Hazy!?” called Radish. He heard her retching. Radish frowned at Light. “Fan, that was vindictive. She could really be sick.”
“Nah, she’s fine.” The sound of retching grew louder and more desperate. “How are you?”
“Bored.”
“You don’t have to spend your suspension in your quarters. Come hang out with me at the shop.”
“This is supposed to be a punishment. If I’m enjoying it, I’m only encouraging myself to break the rules again.”
“Honestly, sometimes I swear you’re from a different planet.”
A scroll burst overhead. Radish caught the dragon mail and read it.
“What’s her highness want now?” asked Light.
“Let’s see… I’m invited to Ponyville’s yearly… Tongue-Twister Festival.”
“Seriously?”
“Five days of tongue-twister games, panels, and workshops, capped off by a tournament. The grand prize is… a hat that looks like a tongue.”
“Ooh, let’s get you signed up.”
“I’d love to, but I’ll be too busy hanging out with my girlfriend at her shop.”
Hazy Shade limped out of the bathroom, holding her gut with her wings.
“Are you okay?” asked Radish.
“Yeah,” she said hoarsely. “I’m fine.”
“Hey, Hazy, I’ll make a deal with you,” said Light. She held up the invitation. “You don’t have to finish the yellow if you win me this hat.”
Hazy peered at the invitation. She gave Light a defiant glare, then grabbed the bottle and chugged it.
The Only Mark That Matters
“Well? What do you think?” Radish proudly asked Light. “Pretty cool, right?”
He waved a hoof at the grounds before them. At his suggestion, the defunct summer camp next to Ponyville Lake had been purchased by the palace and converted into a research station for studying the Everfree Forest. During Radish’s suspension, the royal craftsponies had worked with amazing efficiency in restoring, renovating, and remodeling the facility for the researchers and guards who would now be stationed there. Buildings once used for arts and crafts were now laboratories, bunkhouses were now barracks, play fields were now training courses, and the cafeteria was now a much nicer cafeteria.
The palace’s research department had appointed a Science Director, who was in charge of assembling the research team. Celestia provided a support staff for administration and maintenance. Radish, who had been given the title of Station Chief, had chosen the guards.
“This whole place was seriously your idea?” Light asked.
“Yep.”
“It should be named after you, then.”
“What am I, a Wagoner?"
“Halt! Who goes there!?” bellowed a feminine voice.
Radish and Light looked up. From atop a small wooden lookout tower, a griffon with rusty red fur and mottled gold plumage glowered down at them. She leapt off her perch and landed in front of them, brandishing a spear.
“Identify yourselves! Friend or foe!?”
Radish held up his Guard ID badge. “Major Root, here to assume command of this facility.”
She held her spear at her side and saluted. “Yes, sir! We’ve been eagerly awaiting your arrival!”
“Uh… good. Here I am. And you must be Wing Trooper Grenatta.”
“Yes, sir! On temporary assignment from Watchtower Fifteen, sir!”
“At ease , trooper. Just calm yourself and talk to me.”
“Yes… sir.”
“I was impressed by your record. But why did you want to transfer here?”
“I… wanted to be where the action is, sir.”
“What, Ponyville? Watchtower Fifteen borders the dragon lands, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, sir. But most of the major current events of the past few years happened in this locality, sir.”
“I can’t argue with that.”
“In some ways, the Everfree Forest is more dangerous than the dragon lands! Nocreature knows everything that’s lurking in there. I wanted to measure myself against the challenge, sir.”
“I like your attitude, trooper.”
“I was also hoping to, ah, measure myself against… you, sir.”
“How’s that?”
She lowered her voice. “Everyone in the Forces heard about how you defeated Princess Celestia in single combat. It inspired us to start an inter-tower wrestling league.”
Radish sighed. “It was a regulation sparring match, and I won on a technicality.”
“Because you psychologically manipulated her into disqualifying herself! Right, sir?”
“Uh… something like that.”
“Do you still wrestle, sir? I was the regional champion! I’d relish the opportunity to grapple with you.”
Light raised an eyebrow.
“We’re going to be doing plenty of training here, wing trooper,” said Radish. “You’ll get all the challenge you can handle.”
“I look forward to it, sir!”
“Dismissed.”
Grenatta flapped back up to her lookout tower. Radish and Light continued along the path to the station.
“She sure seemed eager to impress you,” noted Light.
“I was like that when I started out in the Rangers. And again when I started out in the Guard. Doing everything you can to impress the new bosses.”
“She was rather cute for a griffon.”
“Guards aren’t cute, Fan. Guards are fearsome sentries of order. Ah, here’s my quarters.”
They stopped in front of a dogtrot cabin with Radish’s name engraved on a hanging sign. They explored the rooms- Radish’s quarters were appointed with an office, a modern kitchen, and a private bath. They entered the last of the doors to find a bedroom with new furniture and fresh linens. Curtsey Blush, the maid, was dusting the bookcases.
“Oh! Hello, Major Root!” she said with a bow. “Or should I say Station Chief Root? And you must be Light Fantastic! Pleased to meet you!”
“Uh, right. Pleased to meet you,” Light said warily.
“Miss Blush? You’re on staff here?” asked Radish.
“I sure am!” she said, skipping up to him. “After all those years working in the cold, dark Wagoner mansion, who wouldn’t leap at the chance to work at a summer camp?”
“Ah, that does make sense.”
“Plus, I get to wear the warm-weather maid uniform! It’s so airy!”
She turned and posed to show off her uniform, a gingham seersucker number with a silk bonnet. Light frowned.
“Well, if there’s anything you need, let me know,” said Radish.
“Of course! And you just let me know what kind of service you'd like.”
Light grit her teeth.
“What do you mean?” asked Radish.
“Well, for example, would you like me to turn down your bed?”
“Yes, he would,” Light said pointedly. “Turn down his bed every time , please.”
“Will do!” she said cheerfully.
Radish dropped off his luggage in the bedroom and led Light out the cabin. They continued to the center of the camp.
“She seemed really eager to please you, too,” Light muttered.
“She worked for Worthy Wagoner. She thinks she owes me for bringing him down. But really, we all owe her for making the bust possible.”
“Uh huh. Does a research outpost really need a maid?”
“I used to be uncomfortable about all the palace servants doing stuff for me, too. But some ponies get cutie marks for service because that’s what they really love to do. They should get to pursue their special talents, just like you pursued art.”
“Hmm. Okay.”
They walked past a large obstacle course. Radish stopped. A slender, cream-colored earth mare with a brown mane was swinging across a set of hanging rings. She leapt off the last one, dove through a suspended barrel hoop, flicked out her spear, and threw it at a target. It hit the bullseye just as she landed. She tossed back her sweaty mane and wiped her brow. Radish smiled.
“Who’s that?” asked Light.
“That’s Maple Bar. We both started in the Guard around the same time. She comes from a long line of foresters, so she was a natural pick for this place.”
“You’ve mentioned her. I didn’t picture her being so… fit.”
“Oh, she’s an excellent fighter. She’s the only one who can pull off those diving spear throws consistently. I’ve asked her for some pointers, but she says my muscles are too bulky for it.”
“Oh, she does, does she?”
“It’s a trade-off I’m willing to accept. Look- there’s the admin building.”
The administration building was a converted two-story lake house. They entered the foyer-turned-lobby. Pinkie Pie was pacing in front of the reception desk.
“Oh! Hiya, Raddy! Hiya, Fanny!”
“Hello, Pinkie Pie,” said Radish. “Did you need something?”
“My sister Marble is interviewing for a job here! I’m here for moral support.”
“Ah, I saw a ‘Marble Pie’ on the list of science team candidates, but I wasn’t sure if you were related,” recalled Radish.
A gray earth mare wearing a bright yellow tie walked out from one of the side halls, staring at the floor. Pinkie Pie leapt at her.
“Marbs! How’d it go!?”
Marble gave a weak smile and held up a scroll. Pinkie Pie tossed her sister in the air, caught her, then squeezed her tight.
“You got the job! I told you there was nothing to worry about!”
“Congratulations, Miss Pie,” said Radish, reaching out a hoof. “Welcome to the team.”
Marble Pie gazed at his hoof timidly, slowly reached out and shook it, then quickly disengaged.
“She’s not much of a chatterbox,” Pinkie explained while nuzzling her sister, “but she’s the best dang soil scientist you could ask for! She knows everything about every kind of earth, from alfisol to zombie graves!”
“That’s great,” said Radish. “The only thing more mysterious than what’s in the Everfree Forest is what’s under it.”
Marble looked off to the side, smiled, and nodded. Pinkie hoisted her onto her back. “I’m going to help her get settled in. We’ll see you at the party later!”
“What party?” Radish asked.
“I’m throwing a meet and greet by the lake! That way the townsponies can get to know all the new folks here.”
“Who authorized that?”
“I’ve learned that it’s always better to ask for forgiveness than permission when it comes to parties.”
“Well, it’s probably a good idea. You have my forgiveness. We’ll need to discuss your party-planning fee, though.”
“Oh, Radish. The first one’s alwaysfree, silly.”
She carried her sister out the door. Light turned to Radish.
“I’m not going to attend that. Her parties have kiddy music and no booze.”
“Well, I have to go. It’d be bad for morale if the Station Chief avoided social functions.”
“Is that the only reason?”
“Huh?”
“Pinkie Pie's sister sure is shapely for a soil scientist.”
“Fan, why do you keep commenting on my coworkers’ looks?”
Light looked at the floor. She took a deep breath. “I, uh, debuted the new line of merchandise at my shop. You know, the one based on your fight with Celestia. Everything with Nightmare Root -the character based on you- was really popular.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”
“It’s just that… the customers were mostly mares. They knew your story, and they were positively cooing over you. Stuff like, ‘ooh, he can pin me any day ’. None of them even knew you were with me.”
“Light, I only agreed to that bout to win something nice for you. Everypony who’s heard the story should know that part.”
“Legends take on a life of their own, Rad. Little details like a girlfriend end up getting left out.”
Radish hugged Light. “You’re not a little detail, Fan, no matter what your customers say. And I’m not going to be tempted away from you by them, much less a coworker.”
She hugged back. “Thanks, Rad.”
“Maybe you should quit with the Nightmare Root merchandise.”
“Nah. The profits are too good.”
“Okay then, give him a girlfriend based on you.”
"No one would buy that."
"I'd buy it."
Light chuckled. “Thanks, but you're not my target demographic. But now that you mention it, romantic drama sells really well. Maybe Nightmare Root could have multiple love interests, all fighting over him! Good girls… bad girls… exotic girls… ooh, and a maid!”
“Seriously?"
“This could be a big hit. Customers taking sides. I need to get sketching while the iron’s hot."
“Fine, I’ll cover for you at the party.”
She kissed him. “Looks like we’ve both got a busy week ahead of us. See you this weekend, Station Chief.”
She left out the door. Radish walked the halls of the administration building, meeting the staff members. He found the Science Director’s office door open. The director, an older pink earth mare, was sitting at her desk and speaking with a younger light brown earth stallion.
“Hello, major. I’m Rosy Day. This is my assistant, Timber Spruce.”
“Nice to meet you,” said Radish, shaking their hooves. “I look forward to working together.”
“As do I,” said Rosy Day. “I’ve always wanted to study an unnatural wilderness area, but without sufficient protection, it’s never been feasible.”
“I should have my guards ready for expeditions in a couple of days.”
“By the way, does this station have an official name yet?” asked Timber Spruce.
“Not yet. I wanted to get a sense of the place before I landed on a name. Did you have any thoughts?”
“How about ‘Camp Everfree’?” he suggested.
“No, that would abbreviate to ‘CE’, which is what everyone calls the Crystal Empire now.”
“Oh. Does that matter?”
“Royal Guard standards are to keep communications as unambiguous as possible.”
“So are mine,” said Rosy Day. “I think we’re going to get along just fine.”
Radish took his leave. As he made his way back to the lobby, he heard hoofbeats behind him. Timber Spruce had followed him down the hall.
“Oh, uh, Major? Are you coming to the meet and greet?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know if Twilight Sparkle is coming?”
“I assume so. Why?”
“I’m a big fan. She’s accomplished so many amazing feats- defeating villains, saving the world, ascending to an alicorn! She might be the most impressive pony on the planet.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“I went to her coronation, you know. She looked so majestic up there on the balcony. And the way she handled those protestors- such wisdom! She’s truly our aeon’s beau ideal of a self-actualized mare!”
“What?”
“Thank you so much for this opportunity, major. I’m really looking forward to getting to know her.”
Radish felt tension in his jaw. “You know, Princess Twilight Sparkle is a very important , very busy pony. I wouldn’t get my hopes up on seeing much of her.”
“Oh. Well, do you have any advice on making a good first impression with her?”
“I know she likes guitarists. Are you a guitarist?”
“No…”
“Oh, that’s a shame.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“See here? Look at this shadow behind Firehoof,” said Splash Page, holding up an open comic book in Light Fantastic’s face. “I think she’s being stalked by a new villain. And I think it’s her sister.”
“Uh huh.”
“Fanny, pay attention. This is important.”
As was his usual Wednesday ritual, Splash Page had come into Light’s store to give her his takes on the latest comic releases. As was her usual ritual, she was ignoring him.
She instead kept her eyes on the customers perusing her store’s aisles. A blue mare trotted up to the checkout counter carrying a selection of Nightmare Root merchandise. Light rang up her purchases.
"Nice picks," said Light.
"Thanks. Did you know that Nightmare Root is based on a real guy? He’s a royal guard.”
“Is that a fact?”
“Yeah! He’s supposed to be stronger than Celestia, braver than Spitfire, and more handsome than Shining Armor! I toured the palace hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but he’s a hard stallion to track down.”
“I’ll bet.”
The girl left with her purchases. Splash Page leaned over to Light.
“Doesn’t that bug you?”
“I refuse to be that kind of girlfriend. I knew Rad was special when I first approached him. I can’t get upset at other mares for thinking the same.”
“That’s so mature of you. It’s weird.”
A tall pronghorn doe approached the counter. “Did I hear that right? You’re Radish Root’s girlfriend?”
“Yes, that’s right. I am.”
“Does he still say Celestia’s name in his sleep?”
Pinkie Pie had the lakeside party in full swing by early afternoon. Most of Ponyville had turned out. Zecora came, as did numerous families, business owners, and VIPs from Ponyville. The rest of AG1 was there unfashionably early.
“Hi, Radish!” called Twilight as the girls walked up to him.
“Hello, ladies. Welcome to the station.”
“Major, I just love what you’ve done with the place,” Rarity said. “It used to be so… outdoorsy.”
“Rarity and I went to summer camp here as fillies," reminisced Applejack. "We made us some mighty fine memories!"
“Well, maybe you did,” scoffed Rarity, “but all I remember is a certain farm girl who thought it was height of hilarity to sneak bugs into my mane.”
“Heh heh. Yeah, good times,” Applejack chuckled.
The girls split up to mingle. Twilight took Radish aside, beaming at him. “Radish, I’m really proud of you. You’ve brought this whole facility into fruition all on your own.”
“Thanks, Twi. But it took a lot of ponies to make it happen.”
“I’d love to meet the science team. Could you introduce me to them?”
Radish scanned the crowd. He caught sight of Timber Spruce, who also seemed to be scanning the crowd.
“Uh… I don’t see any right now. Want to meet some guards?”
Light Fantastic sat back and crossed her hooves, sizing up the doe. “And you are?”
“Oh, sorry! My name is Praline. I went to grade school with Radish."
"Really?” asked Splash Page. “You knew him as a kid?"
"That’s right. We were good pals. But one day, he just disappeared. The teacher said he moved away for health reasons.”
“Oh," said Light. “You meant he would say Celestia’s name during, like, naptime?”
“Yeah," Praline chuckled. "He fell in love with Celestia from the moment he laid eyes on a poster of her in the classroom. From then on, she was all he'd talk about.”
Light leaned forward. “That must have been annoying for all the girls in class, right? Having to compete with Celestia for the boys’ attention at such a young age?”
“Well, we felt more sorry for him than anything. Aiming impossibly high. But he’s doing okay now?”
“More than okay!” said Splash Page. “He just got promoted, got put in charge of a big project, and he couldn’t ask for a better girlfriend than Light here! They're great together!”
Light looked at Splash Page with surprise.
"That's a relief," said Praline. "He was always so kind. I was the only non-pony in our class, but he always treated me like I belonged. And because of that, the other kids did, too."
Light sat back. "Yeah… that's Radish, all right."
Radish introduced Twilight to the station’s guards. She furrowed her brows a little more with each one.
“Radish, just how many guards are going to be stationed here?” she asked.
“A little over thirty, plus other squads coming in and out for training.”
“Was this whole place just an elaborate ploy to put a lot of guards near me?”
“Uh, well… yes.”
She frowned. “You still don’t believe I can take care of myself?”
“I do now, but this station was initiated after the coronation infiltration situation.”
“The CAA is disbanded. Pilcrow just moved on to a new campaign- something about the Equestria Games committee selection bias.”
“But this place still has a lot to offer. Ponykind will get to learn more about the Everfree Forest, Ponyville will get more customers and more protection, and you’ll get to brush shoulders with the likes of Rosy Day.”
“Rosy Day? The grandmare of integrated behavioral botany? She’s going to be working here? Living here?”
“That’s right. I hear she loves to share stories about her expeditions into the Hosstrailian outback.”
“Ooh… I’d love to hear them. Dang it, Rad, you really know how to dangle a big juicy carrot in front of me.”
“Uh, don’t put it like that.”
“I mean, you're expertly skilled at pushing my buttons.”
“Much better.”
“Look, if you really want me fully onboard with this station, I’d like-”
Radish held up a stack of ring-bound papers. “A full strategic planning document? Got it right here.”
She took it in her aura and looked at the cover. “Ponyville-Everfree Ecological Research Station. P.E.E.R.S.? You’re calling this place P.E.E.R.S.?”
“Yeah, you know- like friends. A big, new group of friends to meet and hang out with.”
“Did you choose that name specifically to appeal to me?”
“Why? Do you have some special connection to the concept of friendship?”
She rolled her eyes, then flipped through the document. “Oh. This is very well-written.”
“It’s all those punctuation lessons you gave me.”
“Hmm. I remember the day that Shining Armor’s duties became less about patrolling hallways and more about sitting before a typewriter. It was a hard adjustment for him. How are you handling it?”
“I don’t mind. I like to think of a typewriter as just another weapon I can protect Equestria with.”
Twilight walked up to Radish and hugged him. “I know you just want to keep me safe. But what’s safest for me isn’t always what’s best for me. I don’t need a second big brother overprotecting me- I need room to breathe, room to learn, and even room to fail.”
Radish patted the back of her head. “Sorry, Twilight. It's hard for me to relax about a princess's safety. I took an oath, you know."
"I know. And I appreciate that."
"I'll give you the room you need."
“Thank you.”
“You shouldn’t hug me so much in front of the other guards. It makes you look like you’re playing favorites.”
“You are my favorite guard.”
“Aw, thank you.” Radish took another look around. “Say, I think I see Rosy Day’s assistant over there. Let me introduce you.”
“Uh… look,” said Light. “Radish’s big new project is by Ponyville Lake. They’re having a meet and greet open to the public today. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you again.”
“Oh? I don’t think I can make it down to Ponyville today,” said Praline. ”But our old class is holding a reunion at the end of August. You two should come.”
“I’ll, uh, let Radish know.”
Praline bought one of Light’s classic T-shirts and left. Light let out a sigh.
“Thanks for talking me up in front of her, Splash. That was nice of you.”
“Well I had to do something. She has history with Radish, and she’s a total knockout. You shouldn’t have told her where to find him.”
“I told you, I’m not going to be that kind of girlfriend. Radish should be able to catch up on old times with a childhood friend without me ruining it." She looked down at her counter. “You really think she was a knockout?”
“Don’t worry, Fanny. I’ll keep her away from Radish. I'll date her instead.”
“Wow, what a noble sacrifice.”
Radish led Twilight over to Timber Spruce. His eyes grew wide as she approached.
“Hello!” she said pleasantly. “I’m Twilight Sparkle.”
“Spruce! I’m Timber Spruce! So honored to make your acquaintance, your majesty!” he said, quickly bowing low.
“Oh, you don’t need to be formal with me,” said Twilight, slightly embarrassed.
“But… you’re you .”
Radish shook his head. “Say, Timber, why don’t you take the princess here and show her the station’s library?”
“Good idea!” He turned to Twilight. “I can show you our classification system- I developed it myself!”
“Really?” asked Twilight. “I invented my own as well, for Ponyville’s library! After all, aside from reading them, the most fun you can have with books…”
“...is organizing them!” Timber Spruce finished.
Radish watched them walk off together, laughing. He shrugged to himself, then rejoined the party. After helping himself to refreshments, he caught sight of Fluttershy, who seemed to be distracted by something in her wing. He approached with curiosity.
“Fluttershy, are you okay?”
“Uh, well…”
A juvenile ladder-backed rattlesnake poked its head out from under her wing. Radish squinted at it.
“Fluttershy, where did you… is that one of Hoopla’s kids!?”
“Um, yes.”
“You snakenapped him!?”
“No! Eddie wanted to see the world outside the plains, so Hoopla asked me to take him. But now he wants to work here with you.”
“Really?”
The snake nodded.
“Well, okay,” said Radish. “We could always use more eyes on the forest.”
“Thank you, Radish,” said Fluttershy. “He’ll be a great addition to your team.”
Eddie dropped off of Fluttershy, slithered up Radish’s leg, and got comfortable on his withers.
“Come on,” said Radish, “I’ll show you the reason we’re all here.”
He walked toward the Everfree Forest. He noticed a hunched-over figure standing at the forest’s edge. It was Pinkie’s sister, Marble, staring at something on the ground. He approached for a better look. She was looking at a trailing black vine with delicate tendrils and thick blue thorns.
“Hello, Miss Pie. I’ve never seen a plant like that before. What is it?”
She shook her head- she didn’t know either.
“Hmm. Well, make a note of it, and we’ll add it to the list of things to study. Who knows- maybe they’ll name it after you.”
She smiled and nodded. Radish walked off with Eddie. Marble looked back down at the vine. It was growing longer. She frowned.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat back in a recliner in his cabin, reading a graphic novel Light had recommended to him. He didn’t like where it was going. He heard a knock at his door- Maple Bar had arrived with her report on a recent mission into the forest. Eddie sat coiled up on her back. They both saluted Radish.
“Got the latest, hot off the presses for you, sir!”
“You don’t have to ‘sir’ me, Mape.”
“Hey, you’ve earned it. The whole castle cheered when we heard you got promoted. There’s nopony the rest of us would rather ‘sir’ than you.”
“Thanks. You’re due for a promotion soon too, right?”
“Here’s hoping,” she said with a shrug.
“Want this place?” asked Radish.
“Huh?”
“I’m only going to be Station Chief here until I have a suitable replacement. And if you’re up to it, that can be you.”
“But ponies joined this project to work specifically with you,” said Maple Bar. “I can’t fill horseshoes that big.”
“Somepony will eventually have to, and I’d rather it was somepony I trust.”
“Well, if you believe in me, I’ll have to prove you right.”
“Great.”
“Oh- one other thing…” said Maple Bar.
“Yes?”
“Summer Sun Celebration is this week, and most places have it off…”
“Yes, so do we. It’s on the calendar.”
“But a lot of places close the day before, too. You know, to give everypony a day to travel to their families...”
“Fine. I’ll ask Rosy Day to clear the date.”
“Thank you, sir.”
Radish took the report and closed his door. Maple Bar looked back at Eddie.
“See that, Eddie? That’s your first lesson- a little kissing up to the boss never hurt anyone.”
Radish took an evening walk through the grounds of PEERS. It was reminding him of what nights had been like at the Black Bluffs village. The stars shone brighter outside the city. The crickets’ chirps slowed down as the dusk cooled the air. Fireflies were flashing their displays over the fields. There were no sounds of traffic.
He trotted up to the lookout tower. Grenatta saluted him from her perch as he approached. “How goes the watch, wing trooper?”
“All is well, sir. Almost all personnel have already left for the holiday. Will you be returning to Canterlot for Summer Sun, sir?”
“Yeah, but I’ll probably be observing alone. My girlfriend doesn’t celebrate- she doesn’t believe in getting up before dawn. What about you?”
“I’m staying here, sir. Griffons don’t celebrate, either. And someone has to keep watch over this place.”
“All right, but feel free to stop by Ponyville’s celebration if you’re inclined. They usually have an overabundance of free food.”
“Pony food?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
Radish awoke to a banging on his door.
“Station Chief!” howled Grenatta. “There’s a problem with the sky!”
He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes as he put together what he had just heard. He threw on a robe and ran to the door. Grenatta was standing there, saluting him.
“What? What did you say?” he asked.
“Well… look!”
She pointed to the sky. Radish stepped off his porch for a better look. The sun and the moon were both hanging halfway up from the horizon, leaving the sky divided between day and night. He looked at his wall clock- it was 6 o’clock in the morning, supposedly.
“Wing trooper, how did this happen?”
“I don’t know, sir. My shift was about to end. Then the sun just… floated up. The moon drifted down a bit, and now they’re both stuck where they are.”
“Have we received word from the palace?”
“No, sir. What does it mean, sir?”
“I can tell you that this is no drill, wing trooper. But let’s not pull the panic alarm just yet. Send a messenger pigeon to the palace to ask what’s up. I’ll visit AG1 in Ponyville- they’re usually at the center of these kinds of things.”
“Sir, I can get to Canterlot a lot faster than a pigeon.”
“You said you just finished your shift. I know what it’s like to deal with a crisis on a sleep deficit. If this turns out to be a real emergency, I need you well-rested.”
“But… yes, sir.”
A siren from the edge of the camp wailed out. Radish sighed. “I said I didn’t want the panic alarm just yet.”
They sped to the alarm station. They found a unicorn private, Scatter Shot, cranking the siren with his aura while plugging his ears with his hooves.
“Private! I need you to… oh.”
They saw what had made Scatter Shot sound the alarm. Massive black thorny vines- similar to what Marble Pie had found but far larger- were creeping out from the Everfree Forest’s treeline. They were growing faster than any plant Radish had ever seen. More sprouted up all around the trio. One vine wrapped around the siren and constricted, toppling it and crushing it to scrap. Its wailing died out pathetically.
A vine made a grab for Grenatta, which she barely managed to duck. Several more popped up in front of Radish’s face. He reached for his sword, and realized he left his cabin without it. The vines lashed at him.
Grenatta slashed back at them, the thorns deflecting off her talons. The vines grew thicker and loomed taller. One vine unfurled itself into a vertical maw-like structure and snapped at them. Scatter Shot fired a burst of sparks at the thing, to no effect. They retreated to the center of camp.
They reached the edge of the lake and found it roiling and choking with black seaweed. The sky grew dimmer, and they looked up to see spiky black clouds shading out the half-daylight.
“Sir… what is happening?” Grenatta asked exasperatedly.
He turned to her. “You say you’re faster than a pigeon?”
“Much faster, sir!”
“Get to the palace. Tell them… tell them the Everfree Forest is invading.”
“Aye, sir!” She leapt off the ground and sped toward Canterlot.
“Private,” said Radish, “we need to-”
Radish was cut off by the sound of a mare’s scream coming from just past the treeline.
“Sir, that was Miss Pie!” gasped Scatter Shot. “The forest has her!”
“Dammit! All right, we’re going in there after her. Stick close to me, and-”
“Sir! You’re the commanding officer here. It’s your job to coordinate from the base, not rush into the danger.”
“No one else responded to the alarm. There’s no one left to coordinate. We’re all Miss Pie has-”
Radish was cut off, again, by a different mare’s scream, coming from a nearby cabin. Vines were overgrowing its sides and smashing their way in through the windows. Its door was blocked by dozens of the smaller tendrils.
“Blast it!” spat Radish. “Fine. You go help Miss Pie, I’ll help whoever’s in there. Just be careful!”
“Aye, sir!”
Scatter Shot ran toward the forest, dodging vines as he went. Radish felt his heart beating out of control.
If I hadn’t used Grenatta as a messenger, she could be backing up Scatter Shot right now. And if I hadn’t given today off, there’d be more than enough guards to help everyone. Damn it, Radish, stop and think before you make everything worse again!
The roof of the cabin cracked, and the whole building started listing to one side. Another scream wailed out from inside. Radish barreled toward the door and smashed through it without thinking.
Guards and aides poured in and out of Barrel Roller’s propped-open door, delivering every scrap of news they could scrounge up. One sergeant ran in with the only good news she’d heard all day.
“Ma’am! Princess Sparkle is safe. Her orders are to continue searching for the royal sisters.”
“All right. Is she in the throne room now?”
“No ma’am. She and Spike have left for Ponyville.”
“What? Why?”
“We’ve also received word from Station Chief Root at PEERS. The Everfree Forest is… invading.”
“Invading? ”
“His words.”
“Son of a nag. When it rains, it hails. All right. These events can’t be a coincidence. Get the Mage Council on this and have them figure out what the connection could be.”
“Aye, ma’am!”
He rushed out just as Lieutenant Cairn rushed in.
“Ma’am! We were able to locate another member of Equestrian royalty! But it’s… ah… it’s…”
Barrel Roller leaned back. “Don’t tell me…”
Prince Blueblood brushed past Cairn and strode into the room. He flashed a grin and tossed back his mane.
“Have no fear! Your prince is here!”
He looked around the room. He frowned.
“What? Where’s my fanfare?”
Barrel Roller stood up. “Prince Blueblood.”
“Hello, Rolly! So good to see you again! Congratulations on the promotion. I must say, the captain’s uniform flatters you.”
“I didn’t know you were in town.”
“Ah, lucky for you I had business in Canterlot. Well, more pleasure than business. Now, what’s this I hear about my dear aunts gone missing? I must say, this reflects rather poorly on your captaincy. Losing one princess is a tragedy, but losing two princesses? It’s simply irresponsible!”
“Rest assured, we are doing everything in our power-”
“Your power? Oh, no, no, no. The Royal Guard is in my power now. I am assuming total rulership of Equestria, effective immediately.”
Barrel Roller’s right eye twitched. “Begging your pardon, your highness, but officially, your rule is limited to your province in the Marediterranean. You don’t have that kind of power here.”
“Mmm, perhaps you should consult the succession protocols again? They had to be updated following young Twilight Sparkle’s coronation, you know.”
Barrel Roller rolled her chair over to her file cabinet and rifled through the top drawer. She pulled out a long document. She read through it.
“In the event that both Royal Sisters are unable to carry out their duties, the order of succession is as follows… ” She let out a grumble. “I thought you were a lot lower on this.”
“Ah, a common mistake, no doubt due to the air of humility with which I carry myself. But think on this- sweet little Twilight Sparkle is but a mere novice to royal affairs, with a head unused to the heavy weight of a crown. Why, I bet she’s already abandoned you and ran off to her five commoner friends.”
“AG1 is a valuable-”
“And dear Cousin Cadance is a lover, not a fighter. Can she be called upon to make the hard decisions which are so often needed in times of crises?”
“She’s proven herself more than-”
“And as for that husband of hers… well… you know . That leaves me as the only suitable, logical, and legal choice to lead the nation through this crisis.”
She sighed. “And your orders are, sir?”
“Interrogate all the servants. Pull up Canterlot’s drawbridges and lock down her airspace. Sweep the streets and put a checkpoint at every intersection. I want a thorough search of every summerhouse, clearinghouse, customs house, bathhouse, and coffeehouse. Send your reports, and a bottle of brandy, to the throne room.”
“Perhaps it would be best if-"
“And don’t worry so much! We’ll have my aunts back by supper. And if not, send supper to the throne room, as well.”
He strutted out the room, brushing past Lieutenant Cairn again. Cairn approached his captain and kept his voice low.
“Ma’am, is he really in charge?”
Barrel Roller reread the succession protocols. “Afraid so.”
“Do we really have to do all that stuff?”
“Afraid so.”
“Want me to spit in his brandy?”
Barrel Roller sat back, considering it.
The Only Mark That Matters
Prince Blueblood sat perfectly regally on Celestia’s throne, swirling a snifter of brandy and reading through a folder from a tall stack of documents. He put the file aside and leafed through the next one. He clicked his tongue.
Barrel Roller approached the thrones. “Your highness, the situation in Ponyville is getting worse. The mayor has called for an evacuation.”
“And?”
“And the vines have blocked the train tracks and the roads, while the black clouds are too thick in the sky to get air transports through. It’s going to take a lot of muscle to clear an evacuation route.”
“Why haven't Twilight Sparkle and her affiliates just blasted the silly things with their magic jewelry?”
“It’s not usually that simple, sir.”
He waved a dismissive hoof. “Well, fine. Recall all the guards currently searching Canterlot and have them clear a path through to Ponyville.”
“Aye, sir.”
“And please tell me, why haven’t you followed up on our only lead to the missing princesses?”
“What lead would that be, sir?”
Blueblood held up a report. “Maintenance found several shattered floor tiles in the guest tower this morning.”
“It’s an old building,” said Barrel Roller. “Those tiles crack if you drop a teaspoon on them.”
“Come now, you think it’s just a coincidence that the floor was broken between Twilight Sparkle’s guest room and the front door of the building? Where Celestia was guaranteed to have been walking at some point last night?”
“What? You think Celestia was kidnapped just outside Twilight’s room? And the floor got cracked in the scuffle?”
“Oh, Rolly. Clearly the floor was the kidnappers’ means of intrusion and egress! Check under it, and I’m sure you’ll find evidence of a collapsed tunnel. The culprit we’re looking for is some manner of burrowing monster- a werewolverine, dire meerkat, or worm wizard, perhaps.”
“Your highness,” said Barrel Roller impatiently, “we’re in a castle in a city on a mountain. Your hypothetical kidnapper would have had to tunnel kilometers through solid rock, pass through the crystal mines, penetrate the city’s foundation, get through the utility sub-layer, navigate the under-tunnels, and break through the floor at the exact spot where Celestia arbitrarily happened to be. Then they’d still have to overpower an alicorn and drag her back down the way they came. And then do the same thing for Luna.”
“Quite trivial for a worm wizard,” said the prince, sipping his brandy.
“Worm wizards are a myth.”
“So was Nightmare Moon. So was Discord. So were humans.”
“What?"
“I see I must take these matters into my own hooves. There is a pack of diamond dogs living nearby, is there not?”
“Diamond dogs couldn’t have kidnapped two princesses, Prince Blueblood.”
“Of course not. But the underground is their domain. They have insider knowledge of all who pass through it.”
“You want us to trot into the diamond dogs’ den and ask them if they’ve seen worm wizards snatching the princesses?”
“Don’t be silly. Such a parley requires a strategic mind, a diplomatic tongue, and zero distractions. I will meet the hounds, alone.”
“Alone? No guard escort?”
“That is my order.”
“Good luck, sir.”
Radish landed on a rug inside the cabin and slid across its floor, colliding with a wardrobe against the far wall. It teetered to and fro, then toppled toward him. A feathery blur of teal rushed him from the side and pulled him out of the way before it slammed into the floor.
“Major!” cried Curtsey Blush, holding onto him tightly. “They’re everywhere!”
Radish looked up to see the vines spreading over the walls, ceiling and floor. They were entangling and crushing the furniture. The tendrils which had blocked the door were now filling the room. The ceiling was bowing. Radish and Curtsey had no exits and were rapidly running out of space.
“Okay. Find cover,” Radish said. She hid behind the fallen wardrobe as Radish ran to the wall under one of the broken windows, turned, and planted his forehooves. He focused all his earth pony strength into his hind legs and bucked the wall.
The logs under the window flew apart, forming an escape hole. Radish and Curtsey Blush charged toward it and dove out. The cabin collapsed as they hit the grass.
Curtsey Blush hugged Radish, burying her face into his chest. “Oh, thank you, major!”
“You’re welcome. But you’re still not safe here. You should get to Ponyville. They’ll take care of you there.”
“What about you?”
Radish looked at the forest’s edge. “I’m going to do a little gardening.”
“You can’t go into that forest! These plants are deadly!”
“I’m an earth pony, Miss Blush. Plants are our specialty. I’ve dealt with worse weeds than these on my parents’ farm.”
“But-”
“Please. Get to safety, so I can do my duty without worrying about you.”
She nodded, sadly. She curtseyed Radish and flew off, giving a wide berth around the spiky dark clouds. Radish ran back into his cabin. He donned his armor, grabbed his prepacked saddle packs, and armed himself with his sword and spear. He stepped out onto his back porch and glassed the Everfree with his binoculars.
“Okay, Everfree. I don’t know what put you in a bad mood, but this is not how we express ourselves. Let’s confab, pony-to-forest.”
Radish walked to the forest’s edge. He crouched prone, adjusted the positioning of his hooves, lay his chin on the ground, and closed his eyes. He opened his senses, mind, and heart to the earth, reaching out to the life within the Everfree Forest.
The Everfree was an unnatural wilderness- its plants grew in the absence of earth ponies, its animals took care of themselves, and even its weather changed without pegasus intervention. Its origins were unknown- while many ponies believed it was a remnant of Discord’s original reign, Celestia had said it was far older, representing a type of natural order that predated known history. After Twilight Sparkle reported that the human world operated on similar principles, many ponies now suspected there was a direct and ancient connection between the two.
Whatever the Everfree was, it was not responding to Radish. Its life rebuffed his attempts to reach out to it. Everfree lifeforms shared no bond with ponykind, but the feeling he was getting from the black vines, however, was oddly familiar. It wasn’t indifferent to him, it was offended by him.
He opened his eyes to see more of the vines surrounding him. He dodged their whiplashes, then bit down hard on a skinny tendril, tearing it off and chewing it. Its taste was a mix of copper and burnt toast.
He knew that taste. He has tasted it before, when he bit through a chaos flower bulb atop a party cruise zeppelin. He narrowed his eyes and spit out the chewed plant matter.
“Discord, ” he growled.
I knew it. His reform was a lie. He’s just been biding his time. He finally made his move when Twilight was out of town and the Elements of Harmony were separated. Well, I make plans, too.
Radish looked at Canterlot, where anti-chaos mushrooms grew in his personal garden plot. He had considered sowing some spores at PEERS too, but his mission to Never Atoll was still classified, and a team of world-class botanists would have certainly noticed the mushrooms and asked questions.
I need to get to the palace. But I can’t abandon my post. But I’m the only one left here. But Private Scatter Shot and Miss Pie are still in the forest. But I need the mushrooms to stand a chance of saving them. I’m being pulled in too many directions! Where’s my reinforcements? Where’s AG1? What is going on in Canterlot?
Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade watched as Prince Blueblood directed the servants preparing the carriage that would take him to the den of the diamond dogs.
“You’re just gonna let him go?” asked Saguaro Shade.
“Orders are orders,” said the captain.
“And what are my orders?”
“Tail him. When he gets in too deep, save him.”
“Aye, captain. What’s the status of… well, all our other emergencies?”
“Operation Weed Whacker commences in ten. Once we punch through to Ponyville, we can coordinate with AG1. They’ll no doubt have news about what’s going on.”
“Ever thought we’d be this dependent on a civilian team to keep saving our hides?”
“When Shining Armor passed his job down to me, he told me I’d have a captaincy unlike any other in history. I thought it was praise, but I’m starting to see how he meant it as a warning."
A lieutenant rushed up to them and saluted. “Ma’am, sir, we checked out the guest tower. It really does seem like something tunneled up from below its foundations- and it was something fairly large. We’re expanding our search to the under-tunnels and the crystal mines, but it’s a lot of ground to cover. Or rather, a lot of underground to cover.”
“Son of a nag,” grumbled Barrel Roller. “How was Blueblood a step ahead of us this whole time?”
“Two steps ahead, by my count,” noted Saguaro Shade.
“Yeah, well, find out what happened to Root. He has a habit of being three steps ahead of everyone, and way in over his head.”
Radish had his back against a cabin’s wall. He parried and swung his sword at wave after wave of vines striking at him. Their texture and density were wildly inconsistent from one vine to the next- some fell apart with a crunch like dried leaves, some were hard as steel, and one of them felt like bog muck when he thrusted his blade into it.
He had no escape, no plan, and no options other than to keep defending himself as long as he could, which didn’t seem like much longer. Radish grit his teeth and tried to focus.
The vines suddenly twitched, then froze motionless. Radish backed away to safety, breathing hard. He heard a series of loud cracks and snaps coming from the forest.
A massive number of vines had organized themselves into a wide tunnel structure that crushed and displaced the trees in its path, forming a long, dark corridor into the heart of the woods. Around Radish, all the plants that had been attacking him suddenly twisted and pointed their tips toward the opening of the tunnel. At its entrance, one small tendril made a beckoning motion to Radish.
“Yeah, I’m not stupid enough to go in there,” Radish said aloud, to whoever or whatever was listening.
One of the vines next to him bent down and scratched into the dirt, drawing a four-pointed compass rose flanked by two bending pine trees. It was Timber Spruce’s cutie mark. It then drew a long arrow pointing from the cutie mark to the tunnel. Radish furrowed his brows at it, then sheathed his sword.
“Blast it. Fine. But he better be okay.”
He walked toward the entrance, giving one last look to his outpost as he went. It sat silent, battered, and abandoned. He took a deep breath, adjusted his armor, and proceeded into the darkness.
The Only Mark That Matters
Prince Blueblood’s carriage landed in the barrens just north of Ponyville. Its driver opened its door and rolled out a red carpet for his prince. Blueblood strutted out of the carriage wearing a top hat, cravat, greatcoat, and jodhpurs. He carried a swagger stick tucked in his forehoof.
“I don’t know how long this will take. Keep at the ready until I return,” he told his entourage.
They nodded. He walked up to a large burrow hole angled diagonally into the ground. He used his stick to rap upon its side.
“Ahem. Hello down there!”
Two burly diamond dogs in rugged armor poked their heads out of the burrow.
“Who are you? What you want?” barked one of the guard dogs.
“I, my good pup, am Prince Blueblood, the sovereign ruler of Equestria. I have come to speak with your top dog.”
“Prince? There’s no pony prince. Pony leaders all girls,” the other dog responded, suspiciously.
“As much as I would love to discuss the finer nuances of the Equestrian royal family, I am on a tight schedule. Now, ‘take me to your leader’, as they say.”
The guard dogs eyed each other. They grinned. “Oh, we take you, all right. Come right in, Pony Prince.”
They stepped aside and led Blueblood inside the burrow. The entrance collapsed behind them.
Radish followed the corridor of vines.The longer he walked, the darker it was. He attached his flashlight to his breastplate and clicked it on. He could now see the nothingness before him a little better.
The tunnel opened into a large forest clearing, fenced in by a lattice of the vines. Radish stepped into it and looked around.
“Major! Welcome! You’ve got to see this!”
Radish recognized the voice. “Spruce? Timber Spruce? Is that you?”
“Yes! Over here!”
Radish noticed a shadowy figure in the center of the clearing. He cast his light on it.
“What the-”
It was Timber Spruce, in a manner of sorts. Plant matter was covering most of his body. He was rooted to the ground, with his lower hooves encased in thick black tree bark. Dark stems grew up his legs and wrapped around his body, budding black vines, fern leaves, and flowers. Radish ran forward and drew his sword.
“Stay still! I’ll cut you out of this!”
Timber Spruce laughed. “They’re not attacking me, major!”
“What?”
“I’m in communication with these plants! I’ve formed a symbiosis with them!”
“What?”
“It’s the truth! Watch this!”
A vine sprouted under Radish’s hooves and produced a long, wide leaf. It scooped up Radish and grew tall, lifting him high.
“See?”
Radish hunched low and wobbled on the leaf. His hooves started to break through it. “Okay, I get it! Put me down.”
The leaf turned sideways and dumped Radish to the forest floor. Radish landed hard, barely managing to avoid falling on his sword.
“Oh, sorry,” said Timber. “It’s hard to gauge weights and distances through the stems. They don’t feel like proper limbs.”
Radish approached him. “How are you doing this?”
“With my earth pony abilities, of course! I reached out to these black vines like any other plant. But they responded unlike any other plant!”
“I reached out to them, too. They attacked me.”
“Yes, they seem to have an aversion to you. Why is that?”
“They’re creations of Discord. He’s taking over Equestria again.”
“That’s impossible. The princesses said that Discord is on our side now.”
“He’s not. Have you seen Marble Pie or Scatter Shot?”
“No. Why?”
“They’re missing somewhere in this forest! Didn’t you hear her scream?”
“I didn’t hear anything.”
“I’m going to search for them. I want you to get out of that stuff and get to Ponyville where it’s safe.”
“I’m perfectly safe here, major. This entire section of the forest is responding to me.”
“It’s just another one of Discord’s tricks. He takes what you’re proud of, what you’re good at, and twists it. You’re an earth pony botanist, so he’s using plants to toy with you. And he’s using you to delay me.”
“You’re being paranoid. This is a gift from the Everfree. It wants to be friends.”
“Spruce, get out of that stuff now.”
“No.”
“Excuse me?”
“You can’t order me around like one of your cadets. You guards are here to protect us researchers, and now that the forest has accepted us, we don’t even need you for that anymore.”
“If you don’t need me, then why did you summon me here?”
“The vines have run into a problem. They’re encountering resistance, and they need extra help to defeat the enemy.”
Radish gripped his sword extra tight. “What enemy would that be? The girls?”
“No, the hounds.”
“What hou… you mean the diamond dogs?”
“Yes. They’re occupying territory that the roots need. They’re preventing the vines from expanding further north.”
“That’s good.”
“No, major. They have no right to stand in the way of the Everfree’s growth. But I had an idea to get rid of them.”
“Yeah? What idea?”
“You’re an earth pony- surely your parents must have taught you about that… old earth pony tradition?”
Radish frowned. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am. But I can’t split my focus, so I’ll need you to do all the crafting and quickening. Make a few dozen, to start.”
“Not a chance.”
A vine shot up from the ground and wrapped around Radish’s neck, pressing thorns into his throat. More vines snatched away his sword and spear.
“Come on, major. Be a team player.”
“Spruce,” gasped Radish, “Discord’s plants are messing with your head. I’ve seen it happen before. I know that deep down, you’re fighting them. And you can beat them.”
“It’s not a fight, it’s a partnership. I’ve formed a mutualistic bond with the Everfree- something no other pony has ever achieved! Much more impressive than playing a guitar, isn’t it?”
“Guitar? Wait… are you doing all this because you think it’ll impress Twilight?"
“And why wouldn’t it? I’ve done the unprecedented- formed a perfect bond between plant and pony! Imagine the possibilities once I’ve spread the Everfree across Equestria. I’ll be the mind inside every tree, blade of grass, and patch of moss in the world. I’ll protect, shelter, and nourish everypony on Earth with just a thought!”
“And what about civilizations that get in the way, like the diamond dogs?”
“They’ll be mulch.”
Great, an earth pony gone mad with power , thought Radish. That’s got to be a first.
Prince Blueblood stood in a dirt-walled jail cell, tapping a hoof impatiently. A squat brown diamond dog lumbered up to the bars.
“Well! It’s about time,” said the prince. “Is this how you treat a foreign head of state?”
“Pony Prince was foolish to come! Diamond dogs not surrender to ponies, no matter how many vines ponies sic on diamond dogs!”
“Vines? Ah, I see. Now it all makes sense. I can assure you, Equestria is not behind them. In fact, I do believe we have a mutual enemy. Let us join forces. You help me, and I’ll help you.”
The room rumbled. A wave of black thorny vines burst from the floor and spread out in all directions. The small dog whimpered. “Pony Prince can help himself! Bye bye!”
He fled for the nearest exit, leaving Blueblood in the cell. Vines started to fill the room, crushing furniture, crates, and stalagmites in their path. The prince took a step back and scoffed.
“Well, I never.”
Radish struggled against the choking vine. He got enough slack to open his left saddlebag with his mouth and looked inside to see what he could use. Eddie the rattlesnake was coiled up inside, staring fearfully at him.
“Eddie?” Radish whispered. “You were in there the whole time?”
Eddie nodded.
“I need you to go slither for help.”
Eddie shook his head. He opened his mouth and pointed at his own fang with his tail, then pointed in Timber Spruce’s direction.
“No. You’re too young to control your venom. You could accidentally give him a lethal dose.” Radish then looked at Timber. “Oh! But he would have that same fear, wouldn’t he?”
Eddie nodded.
“Okay, I think I know how to distract him.”
The vine around Radish's neck dragged him closer to Timber Spruce. Timber regarded Radish with curiosity. “Were you talking to yourself, major?”
“Yeah. Just thinking out loud. About Twilight.”
“What about Princess Twilight Sparkle?”
“You two seemed to be getting along at the party, so why are you so desperate to impress her now?”
Timber Spruce frowned. The vine leashing Radish drooped and slackened a bit.
“We were getting along at the party. It was all going so well. We were chatting, laughing, getting to know each other. And so, naturally, I showed her my… my…”
Radish narrowed his eyes. “Your what? ”
“My library catalog system. But she didn’t like it.”
“She didn’t?”
“No. She said that it was too narrow in scope. That it wouldn’t meet most users’ needs. That I’d have difficulty expanding upon it.”
“Ooh. Sorry. No guy wants to hear that.”
“But she’ll have to be impressed by this, right?”
Radish leaned forward. “Look… I know what it’s like to want to impress a princess. Sometimes you can do everything right, and still not be good enough. That’s just life.”
Timber Spruce frowned. “No. This has to be enough. It just has to be.”
“But that’s okay. You don’t have to live for somepony else’s approval. You can be your own stallion.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course I do. You know my cutie mark, don’t you?”
“No. Why? What’s your cutie mark?”
“Go on. Have a look.”
A vine whipped at the straps of Radish’s saddle plate. His armor fell off. Timber leaned forward to see. He gasped.
“What in the world? What did you do?”
“It’s a long story. Oh, and Timber?”
“Yes?”
“Watch out for the snake.”
Eddie sprang up hissing from the ground, rattling his tail and baring his fangs. Timber screamed and flailed backwards, ripping himself out of the chaos plant matter. The fencework of vines surrounding the clearing drooped and collapsed. The vine holding Radish’s neck went limp. He tossed it off and approached Timber Spruce, who lay on the ground, breathing hard.
“Spruce, are you okay?”
Timber Spruce groaned. “Major… I’m sorry…”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“No… you’ve got to get out of here. You were right… the vines were just using me…”
Radish picked up Timber Spruce and slung his hoof over his shoulders. Eddie climbed back into Radish’s bag.
“Come on. We’re leaving.”
“...using me to trap you…”
The forest shook. The ground under their hooves turned soft, then fell out from under them. They tumbled down a deep dark hole.
The Only Mark That Matters
The diamond dogs led Radish and the other ponies up through their caves, heading to the surface.
“How did you end up down here?” Radish asked Scatter Shot.
“I was searching the woods for Miss Pie here. Couldn’t find her anywhere. Then a vine snatched me and yanked me underground. I found myself trapped in a big bramble, along with Miss Pie and a bunch of dogs. The commander found us and cut us free. I think the vines were collecting us as hostages.”
Marble shook her head.
“Miss Pie thinks they were collecting us as compost,” Scatter Shot explained.
“Well, they were made by Discord. They may have been collecting you as an audience for whatever terrible comedy he had planned,” Radish mused.
“The dogs got news from the surface,” said Saguaro Shade. “A big rainbow passed over the sky and burned away every vine it touched. Sound familiar?”
“Sounds like the girls re-petrified Discord,” said Radish. “Good riddance.”
"I'm not sheddin' too many tears, myself."
The group entered a large chamber full of dogs milling about and chattering excitedly. Bertha, Timber Spruce, and Eddie were among them. Bertha waved Radish over, smiling and wagging her tail.
“Radish’s plan worked! Ponies saved diamond dogs! Bertha is grateful.”
“Think nothing of- gah!”
Bertha seized Radish in her paws, stuck out her tongue, and licked the side of his face from bottom to top, leaving a trail of hot slobber on his cheek. She let go, and he staggered back.
“And Timber’s big brains made it possible! Thank you, Timber!” she cheered. She grabbed Timber and licked face as well. He fell on the ground with his eyes wide.
“You’re welcome,” Timber squeaked.
“And the little snake was so brave!” she said, hugging and nuzzling Eddie. She gave him a short lick, and he retreated into his coils. She then noticed Prince Blueblood.
“Oh! The fancy pony helped, too! Much appreciated!” she said, looming over the prince.
“Don’t you dare- bwaaah!”
She grabbed the prince by the horn, pulled him in, and licked him across his face. He recoiled quickly, then pulled out a handkerchief and wiped himself off, muttering.
The small brown dog stepped forward.
“Ponies are friends of diamond dogs now. Ponies are welcome here.” A lanky dog whispered in his ear. He nodded. “As long as you don’t bring Miss Rarity with you!”
“Ah, you can’t stand her either?” chuckled Blueblood.
The ponies and snake were brought to the surface. Blueblood took his carriage back to Canterlot without acknowledging the others. Saguaro Shade debriefed Radish and trotted off for his own transport. Radish walked his crew back to PEERS. He kept pace alongside Timber Spruce.
“Hey, I’m sorry you and Twilight didn’t hit it off,” Radish said. “I wouldn’t wish unrequited love on anypony. But it doesn’t mean you’ll never find a girl to be happy with.”
“What are you talking about? Did you think I had some kind of… schoolboy crush on Princess Twilight Sparkle?”
“Well, yeah. Why else would you want to impress her so much?”
“I told you! She’s the most accomplished pony of our generation! She’s brilliant!”
“You just wanted the approval of somepony you admire? Intellectually?”
“Of course! You’d have to be crazy to pursue a princess romantically!”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
Timber frowned. “Oh, uh, I didn’t mean… sorry.”
“That’s okay.”
“May I ask what your cutie mark means?”
“I don’t know. It’s a mystery.”
“Oh? Sorry.”
“It’s okay. Diamond dogs don’t have cutie marks, and they seem to do alright.”
Timber looked back over his shoulder. “They sure are an interesting society.”
“Yeah.”
“And that Bertha sure was cute, huh?”
“...what?”
Radish swept a broom across the floor of his cabin. It was still standing sturdy, though the vines had punched their way through his windows and tossed its contents. Radish was almost certain they had juggled his belongings before dumping them on the floor. Curtsey Blush entered with a dustpan.
“Major, I told you to let me do the cleanup.”
“The whole camp was wrecked by Discord’s vines. You shouldn’t have to clean up all of his mess on your own.”
“Station Master Root, either you let me do my job, or I’ll file a complaint with your superiors.”
“Fine.” Radish passed her the broom. There was a knock at the cabin’s front door.
“And I’ll be getting that, too,” said Curtsey, rushing toward it. She opened it, then turned to Radish. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, here to see you, major.”
“Thanks, Miss Blush.”
Twilight trotted into the cabin while Curtsey Blush bowed out into the kitchen.
“Ooh, having your servants announce your visitors?” teased Twilight. “You’re really enjoying the privileges of your station, huh?”
Radish hugged her. “It’s good to see you, Twilight. Thank you for saving the world again. I think you’re almost to double digits now.”
“Oh, Radish. I’m just happy everypony’s safe. Are you coming to the Summer Sun Celebration in Canterlot?”
“Yeah, I’ve got administrative stuff to do at the palace, anyway. Every time my spear gets destroyed, I have to fill out a form. Plus, I’m recommending several of the personnel here for medals.”
“Like who?”
“Timber Spruce, for one. His encyclopedic knowledge of botany really saved the day.”
“Really? You know, I’m trying to arrange some more educational programming for the library. Do you think he’d be willing to teach a class there?”
“I’m sure he’d be really honored if the request came from you.” Radish gave Twilight a serious look and put a hoof on her shoulder. “And, look, Twilight- just in case you were feeling down about having to petrify Discord again- you’re not responsible for him. He had every chance to change his ways, and you can’t-”
“Oh, we didn’t petrify Discord.”
“Then, what happened to him? Is he in Tartarus? Is he… dead?”
“Radish! Discord is still our friend.”
“What? You mean he’s out there free? Loose? At large!?”
“Well, yeah. Fluttershy has even scheduled a weekly teatime with him.”
“But the crisis, the vines- it was all his doing!”
“That’s true, but he planted those seeds a thousand years ago, before he reformed.”
“But he still let them attack Equestria! He could have stopped them at any time if he wanted to! That’s not reformed, that’s hostile!”
“No, remember what I told you about how I need room to breathe, room to learn, and room to fail? He was giving me just that. He was letting me learn a valuable lesson about what it means to be a princess.”
“Twilight! A real friend doesn’t put the world in danger to teach you a lesson! You can’t let him get away with this.”
“Radish, do you trust me?”
“I trust you . I don’t trust him .”
“Well, then, do you trust the Elements of Harmony? After all, when we returned them to the tree, they got rid of the vines- but left Discord alone.”
“Sorry, what? You returned what to the what?”
“The Tree of Harmony! It’s been near the Castle of Two Sisters this whole time! The Elements originally came from it, and we had to return them in order to save it from the vines.”
Radish felt the floor tilt under him. “Return them? You don’t have the Elements anymore?”
“It was the only way to save the tree and Equestria.”
“Twi! Can’t you see how Discord has manipulated the entire situation? He put a plan in motion to get rid of the only things that can stop him, and it worked! He could take over Equestria right now if he wanted!”
“He doesn’t want to. He wants friends now.”
Radish felt a throbbing in his temples. He clutched his forehead. “Twilight…”
“But this might assuage your apprehensions- when we returned the Elements, the tree produced something new. It’s a locked chest with six keyholes.”
Radish looked up. “Six? As in, one for each of you?”
“Most likely. But we don’t know where the keys are.”
“We can get a locksmith to pick it open! I know a skilled one in Midtown-”
“Radish! You honestly think we should just force open a gift from the Tree of Harmony?”
“There could be replacements for the Elements inside! Maybe upgraded versions! And every second you don’t have them is another second Equestria is at risk!”
“Radish, calm down. We’ll open the chest, the right way. I promise you, everything is going to be alright.”
Radish looked out his window at the forest’s edge. He chewed the inside of his cheek. “Okay, Twilight. Just let me know if I can help.”
“Thank you, Radish. Say hello to Light for me.”
Twilight said her goodbyes and left. Curtsey Blush re-entered the room to find Radish staring out his window pensively.
“Can I do something to lift your spirits, major? I could put on music, pour you a drink, or send for your beloved?”
“The record player is busted. Light’s at work. But I’ll take that drink. Make it a gin and… more gin.”
Prince Blueblood found Princess Celestia on the main tower’s balcony, gazing out at Canterlot.
“Auntie Celestia! I am overjoyed to see you safe and healthy.”
“Hello, Blueblood. I understand you were quite busy during our absence.”
“All in hopes of rescuing you and Auntie Luna. I feel such grief each time you are spirited away by nefarious forces. Please, take greater care in the future.”
“I’ll try. Blue… thank you for taking charge. The citizens of Ponyville told me that the arrival of guards to evacuate their town brought them great hope. And the citizens of Canterlot told me that the departureof those guards from their streets brought them great relief.”
“I was not trying to spread hope or relief,” Blueblood said with a dismissive wave of his hoof. “I was trying to send a message to our enemies- that the palace’s response to any outrage would be immediate, thorough, and widespread.”
“Ah, I see. Why, then, did you insist on meeting with the diamond dogs alone?”
“To claim sole credit for your rescue, of course. Sadly, others interfered, and I can claim no such thing.”
“Nonetheless, I’ve heard that down there you were integral to saving lives. That is why I’m awarding you this.” She pulled an elaborate medal from behind her back. “The Valorous Horse award, for outstanding bravery.”
She pinned it onto his jacket. He gasped in horror. “You don’t pin medals to silk!”
Celestia smirked. “Congratulations, nephew.”
“Auntie- a question. I encountered a guardstallion in your service whose cutie mark depicts you and him in… a compromising position. I assumed it to be a crude joke, but I’ve since been told that it is truly the boy’s genuine mark.”
“Yes. It is.”
“Whatever does it mean?”
“Nopony knows. It’s a mystery.”
“Auntie, is it your intention to court this boy? Wed him? Make him your prince and continue the family line with him?”
Celestia looked out at the sky. “That’s not going to happen.”
“Well, why on earth not?”
She turned to him, surprised. “You’re saying you’d want his heirs ahead of you in line for the throne?”
He walked closer to her. “I’ve had all I’ve ever wanted since graduation. But what is it you want, dear aunt?”
Celestia pulled her nephew into a hug with her wings. “I want all my little ponies to be happy.”
He rested his chin on her shoulder. “You must realize that our wellbeing and your self-interest only appear to be opposed- because they are actually two sides of the same coin.”
“Perhaps you’re right. Do you think you could stay a while, and teach me a thing or two about self-interest?”
“Glad to. Your first lesson- you must stock better brandy.”
Radish found a spacious open cave right where the girls said it was, in a ravine just beside the ruins of the Castle of the Two Sisters. He entered warily. At the back of the cave stood a tall crystal tree. Its spindly branches held the Elements of Harmony jewels. Long strings of white orbs dangled from them, giving the appearance of foliage.
It’s like a mix between a willow tree and a chandelier. But is it a crystal shaped like a tree, or a tree made out of crystal?
Radish approached it. The cutie marks of Twilight, Celestia, and Luna were depicted along its trunk.
Hmm. There isn’t one for Cadance. Then again, she has her own crystal heart up north. Is there a connection? I wonder if…
He trotted around the tree. He searched the back of the trunk, peered at the branches from various angles, and took a close look at the roots. There were no other cutie marks to be seen. He chuckled.
Of course it wouldn’t have mine. What would I be to this thing?
He examined the chest. It was budding out of a green stem from one of the roots. Its base was encircled by large, pink petals.
That would make the chest the ovary of the flower. Then, does it need to be pollinated? By what, another flower from another tree? Is it awaiting a visit from some kind of crystal pollinator animal? And what if it’s long-extinct?
Radish stepped close to the trunk. He placed a hoof firmly on it and closed his eyes. He focused his earth pony senses into it, but he couldn’t establish a connection. He could, however, feel something, like a buzzing in the back of his head. It seemed to get louder until it focused into intelligible words.
“Radish Root.”
He opened his eyes and turned around. “Twilight?”
Nopony was in the cave with him. He looked up at the tree. Its branches seemed to be swaying in a wind he couldn’t feel. He stared hard at it, then shook his head.
“I should get some rest.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“Major, come in,” said Rosy Day. “We’ve got something of a mystery on our hooves.”
Radish entered her office and approached her desk. She and Timber Spruce were scrutinizing several large circular pieces of paper with scatterings of black dots and red zigzags printed upon them.
“What’s up?” Radish asked.
“During the vine crisis, did you see anypony in or near the lab building?”
“No. Why?”
“It looks like several of the lab’s analysis machines were used during that time frame.”
“Someone was doing research during the vine attack?”
“Yes, but it wasn’t any of my staff.”
“Well, it wasn’t any of my guards."
"So, then, it really was somepony from outside the station," sighed Timber.
"Why would anypony risk their life to do that?” Radish asked.
“They were on a mission, it seems. Take a look at these,” Rosy Day said, gesturing to the papers.
“What are they?”
“Whenever one of our machines are used, an extra copy of the results are produced by a backup plotter inside this fireproof cabinet,” she said, waving a hoof toward a tall yellow cabinet in the corner of the room.
“I didn’t know that.”
“It’s a new system we just installed. Only Timber and I know about it.”
“And these are the backup printouts? The same results the intruder got?”
“Yes. The timestamps match.”
“What were they analyzing?”
“It looks like it was an organic material- one full of complex, unidentified compounds. Then there was a full-spectrum burst, almost like they tried to scan a rainbow. After that, the sample material’s mass was reduced to zero.”
“Rainbow? Huh. The girls wiped out the chaos vines with a rainbow…”
“Exactly. Somepony was using our lab to analyze Discord’s plants, right up to the moment they were eliminated.”
“Well, they wouldn't have learned anything useful. After Discord’s last attack, I brought back a chaos flower bulb to have analyzed. The ponies who studied it said it was indistinguishable from ordinary plant matter.”
“I know. I was one of the ponies who studied it. I think it appeared ordinary because Discord had been turned to stone by that point. All his creations lost their chaotic nature.”
Radish put a hoof to his chin. “But if you could study his creations while he’s still loose, free, and at large… you’d get good data about his chaotic nature?”
“I think it’s more specific than that,” said Timber. “During the crisis, unicorns in Ponyville reported that the vines released some kind of powder which disrupted their magic. Whatever was being analyzed was a powder, too.”
“Chaos pollen. I’ve encountered it before.” grumbled Radish. “If somepony learned how to replicate it, they could nullify any unicorn in Equestria.”
“Or alicorn ,” pointed out Rosy Day.
“So, what do these results reveal about it?” asked Radish, looking closer at the papers.
“Oh… I have no idea,” said Rosy. “These are the most complex readings I’ve ever seen. To crunch numbers this complicated, we’d have to send them to a reckoning firm with a tabulator engine. And that’s out of our budget.”
Radish paced the floor. “Then that means the pony who did this is smart enough to use our lab, and has pockets deep enough to get the results computed. And since the vine crisis lasted less than a day, they’d have to be close to the station to plan and execute the whole endeavor...”
“It sounds like you already have a suspect,” remarked Timber Spruce.
“I have a short list. If I gave you another material to analyze, would you be able to tell me if it would have a similar effect to the rainbow?”
Rosy Day and Timber Spruce looked at each other for a beat. They nodded to each other.
“Sure, that’s much easier,” said Rosy. “But where would you find something like that?”
“That’s classified. But get ready, I’ll have it for you soon.”
Radish stood over his personal garden plot behind Canterlot Castle. A large crop of the anti-chaos mushrooms dominated most of the space, between several varieties of flowers that he was growing for Light, plus some onions for his own use.
He pulled out a tiny metal vial and packed it full of mushroom spores. He attached it to the small chain which held his Guard ID tags.
Now I’ll never be caught without them again.
As he picked more mushrooms and packed them into a jar, he heard hoofsteps crunch the grass behind him.
“Good afternoon, major,” said Celestia, walking up to him.
“Good afternoon, princess,” Radish said, saluting. “I’m relieved to see you safe. Are you and Princess Luna all right?”
“Yes, thank you. It was one of the duller kidnappings I’ve endured. And how are you doing? Twilight says you were upset to learn that the girls had to give up their Elements.”
“I’m dealing with it in my own way,” he said, looking down at his garden.
“Ah, is it harvest time already?”
“A little past due, actually.”
“Radish, I heard how heroically you acted during the crisis. You defended not only the members of your own staff, but also a whole society that often goes overlooked by most Equestrians. I am very proud of you.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“I also heard that you met my nephew Blueblood.”
“Ah, heh heh. Yes, ma’am. Am I in trouble?”
“Not at all. He can hardly complain about you beating him in a duel that he initiated.” She leaned close and smiled. “You realize, Radish, that makes two members of the royal family that you’ve defeated in battle?”
“Is there a prize for beating all of you?”
She laughed. “Sure. You can rule Equestria for a change.”
“Sheesh, no thank you. It seems like a terrifying job.”
“Not when you’ve got excellent guards to back you up.”
“Aww, thanks, ma’am.” He held up the jar of mushrooms. “Would you like to try one?”
She lifted up one in her aura and peered at it. She took a nibble, then frowned.
“Radish, you have a rather… adventurous palate.”
“You only live once.”
“Funny, Blueblood lives by the same philosophy. Perhaps you two are more alike than you realize.”
“That’s harsh, ma’am.”
“Root, got your new spear,” said Barrel Roller, pushing a collapsed spear across her desk to Radish. “Chuck says this latest model is self-lubricating.”
“Thank you, ma’am. Sorry that I keep going through these.”
She shrugged. “Cheaper to replace a spear than a guard. Was there anything you wanted to add to the record about the crisis?”
“Well, ma’am, I had planned to come in here and apologize.”
“For?”
“Making it worse. I gave the base the day off, so I was caught short-staffed. I used Grenatta as a messenger to shave some minutes off the response time, when I needed her as a soldier more. I let Scatter Shot run into the forest with no backup. I sent a civilian intern critter to do what was my duty. I made every wrong decision during this crisis. But, well…”
“But, well, what?”
“Those were really wrong decisions, were they? I made what I thought was the right call, every step of the way, even as the situation seemed to be getting worse.”
“Uh huh.”
“So I guess being a leader means you don’t have all the answers ahead of time. You just do the best you can.”
“Don’t let the lower ranks hear you say that, Root. The whole system will fall apart.”
“Yes, ma’am.” He stepped closer and lowered his voice. “I also wanted to talk to you about Discord. With the Elements of Harmony out of commission, we have no defense against him now.”
“Princess Sparkle has assured me that he'll behave. And officially, the crowns still consider him an ally of the state. There's nothing we can do about the situation but trust our princesses’ judgment.”
“What if we had another option?” he asked in a hushed tone. “What if there was a way to deal with him, once and for all?”
She raised an eyebrow.
“I’d say the Royal Guard doesn’t secretly plot to ‘deal with’ official allies of the state. And then I’d say I don’t need to hear whatever you’re going to say next.”
“Aye, ma’am.”
Radish found Bertha in the diamond dogs’ reservoir chamber, scooping a coarse black powder out of a gunny sack and sprinkling it into the water. She looked up and smiled.
“Hello, Major Radish!”
“Hello, Bertha. What are you up to?”
“Diamond dogs have been complaining that the water is too salty. So I am adding pepper.”
“Ah, I see. Well, I came with a proposition for you.”
She frowned. “Radish is very nice, but-”
He held up the jar of anti-chaos mushrooms. “These mushrooms can cancel out Discord’s power. I just had their effectiveness confirmed. If you sow their spores throughout your caves, your people, my people, and the Everfree will be protected from any of his remaining seeds. They also provide illumination, and they’re pretty good fried in butter.”
She took the jar. “And you give this to us, for free?”
“Yes. As long as I can come back and harvest some whenever I need them- and you never tell anycreature about their true power.”
“Radish has a deal.”
“Thanks. That’s a relief.”
“Uh… Radish?”
“Yes?”
“Will Timber Spruce visit any time soon?”
“Definitely. It seems there was something he really liked about this place.”
Her tail wagged. “Good! Oh, and tell Blueblood that the diamond dogs will accept his offer.”
“What? What offer? What did Blueblood want?”
“Oops. Uh, Blueblood said not to tell anypony about it. Sorry. Pretend I did not say that.”
“Bertha, I need to know-”
“If Radish wants Bertha to respect his secret mushrooms, then Radish must respect Blueblood’s secrets, too.”
Radish paused to think about this.
"Okay. You have a deal.”
Radish and Light snuggled into each other as they relaxed on her couch. He had just finished recounting the vine attack on the station.
“Well, after all that, I hope you’re getting another medal,” she said.
“I am.”
“Good.”
“How’s the shop?”
“Business was good this week. Nightmare Root continues to be a hot seller.”
“That’s funny, I had to fight a nightmare root in a hot cellar.”
She leaned her chin on his head. “Say, Rad… an old grade school friend of yours came by. Praline.”
“Praline? Oh, right- dad once mentioned to me that she moved to Canterlot.”
“But you never tried to reconnect with her?”
“What would I have said? ‘Sorry I disappeared, my parents took me away because I got a porno cutie mark ’?”
“For a start, yeah.”
“Fan, you and your friends have been kind to me about my mark. A lot of ponies in my life have been. But not everyone is going to be so understanding.”
“You think she’ll care?”
“Praline was a sweet girl. Always had a bright smile on her face. I guess I just never wanted to see that smile turn to a look of horror upon seeing my mark.”
“Well, she invited us to a class reunion in August.”
“I… I just can’t do that. There will be too many questions about what happened to me.”
Light nuzzled his neck. “What if you showed up with a fabulous babe hanging off of you? And she spent the whole time talking about how cool you’ve become?”
He nuzzled her back. “They’ll want to know what my mark is. Some of them might bring kids. I’d have to spend the entire time hiding my flanks and making excuses for hiding my flanks.”
“Rad, you shouldn’t have to miss out on stuff like this. You have the right to live your life, the same as anypony.”
“Thanks for caring, but no matter how many friends I make, no matter how many medals I earn, there will always be some things I’ll just have to miss out on. And I'm at peace with that.”
“Then, let’s plan an alternative trip,” Light said. “A fun getaway.”
“The Equestria Games are coming up. I could get us tickets.”
“I’m not really into sports stuff.”
“We could go to the Flint Steppes. You could meet my parents."
“The Equestria Games, you say? That sounds fun.”
The Only Mark That Matters
The door of Cat’s Howl swung open, ringing the bell hanging above it. Light Fantastic looked up from her counter to see Rarity approaching her.
“Light, darling!”
“Oh, hi, Rares. What’s up?”
“I came as quickly as I could! I wanted to offer my sincerest commiserations.”
“For what?”
“Oh. Then, you haven’t heard?”
“Heard… what? Is everything okay? What’s happened!?”
“I hate to be the one to break bad news to you, dear,” Rarity said, rummaging through her bag.
“What!? What’s going on!?”
She pulled out a magazine, opened it to a middle page, and placed it on the counter facing Light.
“I’m afraid the latest column of Trenderhoof’s ‘Sashay or Passé ’ hit the stands today. And he’s quite definitively stated that the Midtown art scene is Passé .”
“What?”
“I am so sorry, Light.”
“Rarity! I thought you were about to tell me that Radish died or something!”
“What? How would I have news of that?”
“He has adventures with your buddy squad!”
“Ah, I see. Well, as far as I know, Radish is hale and hearty! But back to the matter at hoof- let’s discuss a rebranding strategy. If you focus on the mail-order side of business, you can project any image you want. Now, I’ve brought some materials...”
“Uh, thanks, but I don’t see this as a problem. If some trendy magazine is calling me passé, that can only help my business.”
“Oh, dear, you’re having a breakdown. Here, have some water.”
She pulled out and set a crystal decanter and tumbler glass on the counter, then filled the glass with water from the decanter. Light shrugged and drank some.
“Listen, Rare- Midtowners do what they want, how they want, the outside world be damned. That’s what keeps Midtown from becoming Downtown, or- stars forbid- Uptown.”
“Now, Light, flouting the desires of the market is no way to run a business.”
“Yeah? What if that magazine said that baggy sweaters with fishnet stockings were the next fashion trend?”
“Then I’d craft the most fabulous line of baggy sweaters and fishnets the world had ever known!”
Light took another sip. “I think we’re very different mares, with very different philosophies for our shops.”
“Hmm. Perhaps we are. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be friends, eh?”
“You’re right. And thanks for caring enough to come all the way here.”
“Think nothing of it,” Rarity said, reclaiming her magazine. “You may keep the decanter and glass.”
“What? No. These look crazy expensive.”
“Consider it a gift, from one small business owner to another.”
“Oh. Thanks. Here, take one of these.”
Light tossed Rarity a red headband. Rarity caught it in her aura.
“Uh, I’m afraid headbands are also Passé this season.”
“I think you can make it work.”
Rarity put on the headband and pulled out a small mirror. “You know, I really can. Thank you, darling.”
“No problem, darling.”
“Ooh, uh…”
“Yeah, that’s the last time I say that.”
“Ta ta,” Rarity said, turning to leave.
Light sat up straight on her stool. “Wait! Uh… Rarity?”
“Yes?”
“Can I get your advice about something?”
Radish stood on the line of the target practice course at PEERS, feeling the weight of his new spear in his hoof. He reeled back and threw it at a bullseye painted on a hay bale. The spear stuck into the hay just a little above the center of the target.
“Not bad,” said Rainbow Dash, drifting down from above. “Can I try?”
“No. What can I do for you, Dash?”
She landed at his side. “You’ve probably heard that the Equestria Games are coming up, right?”
“Uh huh.”
“And Ponyville’s going to need all its best athletes going for as many medals as they can. I checked at City Hall, and this station of yours is technically within Ponyville’s municipality. That means anypony living here can compete for Ponyville!”
“What, you want to poach my guards for Ponyville’s teams?”
“I want you for our wrestling team!”
“Ugh. No.”
“Aw, come on.”
“I’m busy with my duties.”
“It won’t take up that much of your time, I promise. These are amateur competitions, and you’ve already got the conditioning and the moves.”
“Dash, they put the competitors’ cutie marks up on the scoreboards.”
“Not always. Plenty of non-ponies compete, and none of them have cutie marks. You can just use a picture of your face, or the Guard emblem, or something.”
“Then I’d be the only pony there who isn't using their mark. Ponies would wonder why I’m singling myself out.”
“You’re gonna let something like that keep you out of the games?”
“I don’t want a whole stadium of ponies whispering about me.”
Rainbow Dash put a hoof across his shoulders and gestured to the sky. “They won’t be whispering, they’ll be cheering! A thousand voices rooting you on to victory! No other feeling in the world comes close!”
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
Rainbow Dash leaned her face in close to his with half-lidded eyes. “There’s going to be cheerleaders there, you know. Picture it- a whole squad of hot mares, bouncing around in cute little outfits, shaking their pom-poms, chanting your name…”
“Don’t even try that with me.”
“...and when you win that gold, they’ll all come rushing at you, They’ll toss you in the air and catch you in their soft, appreciative embrace…”
“No.”
“Okay, fine. How about this- I’ll hoof-wrestle you for it. If I beat you, you have to join the team.”
Radish cocked his eyebrows. “Sure. But if I beat you, you have to provide free custom weather over PEERS for the rest of summer.”
“Pfft. Fine. Let’s do this, big guy.”
Sporting her new headband, Rarity trotted up the path to PEERS. She encountered Rainbow Dash grumpily limping her way down the path back to Ponyville.
“Oh, hello, Rainbow Dash! Uh, are you quite all right?”
“I’m fine, ” she grumbled.
“Is Radish receiving visitors?”
Rainbow Dash just muttered something under her breath and continued limping on. Rarity trotted up to Radish’s cabin and knocked on the door. Radish opened it, freshly-showered and wearing a towel draped over his hindquarters.
“Oh, hi Rarity. What’s up?”
“Radish, I’ve just spoken with Light. May I come in?”
“Uh, sure.”
She walked in, looked at Radish’s towel, and clicked her tongue. “Now, Radish, dear, you know you don’t need to cover up your cutie mark around me. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
Radish looked down at his towel. “I know, but it still doesn’t feel right to put it on display in front of a guest. Especially a lady.”
“Oh, Radish. That’s actually what I wanted to speak with you about. Light tells me that you have an impending class reunion.”
“I’m… I’m not going.”
“Because of your cutie marks, yes?”
“Yes.”
“But you want to go, don’t you?”
“Well, if things were different- if nopony in the world cared about cutie marks- I would go. I’d like to see some of those old friends again.”
“What if I could make that happen?”
“How?”
“Well, I can’t change the world, but I know a thing or two about coloring hair. And your coat is such a nice color- deceptively common, but with a lovely bright undercoat. I could easily match the color and dye over your marks.”
“And what, be an adult blank flank at my reunion? I can’t do that!”
“No, Radish, I would then dye something in its place!”
“A… fake cutie mark ? That seems… wrong.”
“What’s wrong is you missing out on life because of a tiny patch of fur on your sides.”
“But… a fake mark? Pretending to be something I’m not? It’s cowardly.”
Rarity smiled and walked up close to him. “We all know you are not cowardly, Radish. You’re the bravest stallion I’ve ever met. Besides, I’ll wager that most ponies at your reunion will come with cosmetic enhancements- mane extensions, lifts in their shoes, dental work, not to mention various nips, tucks, and implants.”
Radish looked down at the floor. “Hmm. Well, I guess when a lizard changes its color, nobody calls the lizard a coward…”
Rarity chuckled. “I certainly didn’t think I’d end up being compared to a lizard today.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I enhance myself, as well.” Rarity lowered her voice and put on a serious expression. “Radish, I’m going to show you a part of my body that very few ponies have seen.”
“Uh…”
“My face.”
“What?”
She pulled a white cloth from her bag. She pressed it onto her face and wiped. She then floated the cloth to Radish’s hooves. He looked at it. The cloth now bore her eyeshadow, blush, lipstick, primer, concealer, eyeliner, foundation, and false eyelashes. He looked up at her makeup-less face. Her features were now subtly more subdued.
“Rarity? You wear all this stuff… all the time?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“When you look your best, you feel your best. And then you can be at your best. But some of us need more help than others to look their best.”
“But you don’t, Rarity! You’re a very pretty mare. And I’m saying that sober this time.”
“Ah, that’s kind of you. But there are many ‘very pretty’ mares out there, all in a constant struggle- whether that struggle is for love, for business, or just for the right to be heard.”
Radish looked down at the cloth again. “You’re saying that looks are your weapon, but you’re locked in an arms race.”
“It’s a warzone out there, darling.”
“I’m sorry, Rarity, I had no idea.”
“But now that you do, are you going to think any less of me?”
“Of course not!’
“Then you shouldn’t think any less of yourself then, either.”
He walked over to a floor mirror, took off his towel, and stared at his cutie mark. “You really think you could paint a fake one? And it would look convincing?”
“I believe so, if we keep it simple. What would you like?”
“What would I like?” He brushed a hoof over his cutie mark. “Funny. All these years I’ve angsted over this mark, I never really asked myself what I would have wanted instead.”
“Ooh, there are so many possibilities! How about something from the world of heraldry? A big silver chevron, a bright red X, or a trio of gold balls!”
“I may need some time to think about this.”
Rarity smiled. “Of course. It’s a big decision, and I certainly don’t expect you to make it now. Take some time, give it some thought, and discuss it with friends.”
“Rarity… thank you. You always give good advice.”
“You’re quite welcome.”
“And I like your headband.”
“Why, thank you. It was a gift from a good friend of mine.”
Rainbow Dash sipped a hay shake at an outdoor table of a Ponyville cafe, cradling her hoof in pain. Radish approached her, and she scowled at him.
“Hey, Dash?”
“What do you want?”
“Let’s forget the wager. I want to wrestle for Ponyville.”
She sat up straight and fluttered her wings. “Really? What made you change your mind?”
“I’m tired of missing out on things I could be doing, just because of my cutie marks.”
She pounced to his side and hugged him. “That’s what I was trying to tell you, you big dummy!”
“Yeah, you were right. But I still need something to put on the scoreboard. What image do you think would represent me the best?”
“Ooh! How about a picture of that big metal wolf we fought?”
“Why?”
“Because it’s awesome, that’s why!”
“I’ll think about it.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Light poked her head in Radish’s cabin. “Rad? You in here?”
“Hey, Fan.”
She entered, rubbing the back of her head with a wing. “Did, uh, did Rarity come by to talk to you?”
“Yeah. And I think she had a good idea.”
“You do?”
“I do. I want to go to the reunion, unafraid of questions about my flanks. I want to go to the Games and have something nice to put up on the scoreboard. It’s time to put my butt behind me. ”
“Okay, then, if you’re sure. Would you like my help designing a new cutie mark?”
“Yeah, I can’t think of one. I’m just not sure what my special talent is. Maybe I don’t have one- I never clicked with anything the way other ponies did to get their marks. Maybe if I never fell for Celestia, I’d never have gotten a cutie mark at all.”
“You’re good at plenty of things. Remember the night we met? The poem you read? That was amazing.”
“Really?”
“Really. I think you could have easily earned a poet’s cutie mark. Like a manuscript, or a quill.”
“Hmm. I never thought of that.”
“The quill could even be the same color as my feathers!” she said, spreading her wings wide.
“Oh? You’re saying you want to take Celestia’s place on my flanks?”
Light chuckled and nuzzled Radish. “Well, why not?”
He kissed her. “Because you’ve already taken her place in my heart.”
Light’s face turned bright red. “Sheesh , Radish!”
Celestia sat behind her desk, typing away at a report. There was a knock at her door.
“Enter.”
Radish entered the office. She looked up and waved him over to her desk.
“Radish, I wanted to share the news with you. Worthy Wagoner’s hearing was this morning. He plead not guilty to all charges.”
“Ugh. I’m going to have to take the stand, won’t I? He’ll have an army of high-priced lawyers trying to discredit me.”
“Most likely. But we have skilled counselors of our own, and the case against him is strong. I promise you, we’ll have you well-prepared by the time of the trial.”
“Thank you, princess.”
“Rainbow Dash has been boasting about how she snagged you for the Equestria Games. It was kind of you to volunteer your time.”
“Ponyville folk have been good to me. I’m hoping to bring them a win.”
“Good luck- you’ll be up against Equestria’s best athletes. I also see you’ve requested time off to go to a class reunion. It’s approved.”
“Thank you, ma’am. Uh… princess?
“Yes?”
“For the games, and for the reunion… I would like to dye over my cutie marks.”
“Oh… I see.” Celestia said, looking aside.
“Is that okay?”
She sat up straight. “As I’ve said, you merit an exemption from that part of the dress code. You are free to alter your marks however you wish.”
Radish walked closer. “I wasn’t worried about the dress code. I was worried about you.”
“Me?”
“I just didn’t want you to think I was doing it to hurt you or anything.”
“No, of course not. But I appreciate you saying that.”
“And I was also hoping maybe it could alleviate your pain a little.”
“My pain?”
“You know, like I’m a piece of sand in your eye that won’t come out.”
“Oh, that. Radish, I was out of line. Forgive me.”
“No, it’s not your fault. We were both victims of my cutie mark. That's why I had to make sure you were okay with me changing it.”
“Of course, Radish, I-”
“And remember, we’re supposed to be honest with each other.”
Celestia sighed. “Well, may I see it again?”
“Yes.”
He pulled his armor up. She peered close. “It is very well-drawn, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. Light says my butt is the most skilled artist she knows.”
“I suppose it never feels good to have an image of you painted over. And I’m sorry we couldn’t… figure out their meaning. But it’s your body, Radish. Your decision.” She smiled. “Remember when I said that your marks are taking you on a unique path? If this is where the path leads, then walk it with your head held high.”
“Thank you, princess.”
“What were you planning on putting in its place?”
“I’m actually taking suggestions. Do you have any ideas?”
“How about something to reflect your skills as a guard?”
“That’s what I was thinking. Something like a spear hitting a bullseye.”
“Hmm. Don’t you think that’s still rather suggestive?”
“How so, ma’am?” asked Radish, leaning forward.
She looked down at her desk. “Because it’s like a… you know…”
“Like a what, ma’am?”
“That will be all, major.”
Radish and Princess Luna shared a table and a carafe of coffee on the palace’s back patio. He had been catching her up on the news.
“So, what kind of cutie mark do you think I should have?” he asked her.
“Why, a moon, of course!” Luna said warmly. “A big, full moon surrounded by a bright halo!”
“What would I tell ponies that it means?”
“That your wisdom illuminates the haze of confusion, that your strength is a light that shines through the dark times, and that your bravery is a beacon to all who are lost.”
“That might sound like I’m bragging.”
“All ponies brag about their cutie marks, Radish. It is time you joined in on the tradition.”
“Huh.”
“You could have a spatterdash!” said Spats. “Then we’d be cutie mark twins!”
Several of Radish’s fellow guards were gathered around him in their old common room. They’d been discussing Radish’s new mark for a while.
“That’s nice, Spats. But I would feel like a phony,” said Radish. “I’m not a snazzy dresser like you.”
“Ooh, do a big snarling dragon!” said Bunker Buster. “That’s plenty authentic to your life!”
“That sounds too complicated to draw.”
“Just do something with food,” said Shoofly. “Half the country has something with food.”
“Like a radish?” Radish asked.
Everypony shook their heads.
“Something a little more creative than that,” said Spats.
“Okay, I’ll think about it.”
Spike found Radish in a corner of Ponyville’s library, surrounded by stacks of books about history, art, and food.
“Hi, Rad!”
“Hey, Spike. Got a question for you. If you had a cutie mark, what would you want it to be?”
“You know, I’ve thought about that. I’d want a huge flame! Why do you ask?”
“I’m going to paint over my cutie mark with a new one.”
“What? I don’t think that’s a very good idea.”
“It was Rarity’s idea.”
“Okay, then it must be a very good idea. But don’t tell Twilight. I doubt she’d take it very well.”
“Don’t tell me what? Take what well?” asked Twilight, descending the stairs.
“I’m going to paint over my cutie mark with a new one,” said Radish.
“What!?” Twilight teleported right in Radish’s face. “Radish, you can’t do that! You’d be denying the most important part of yourself! It would be like defacing destiny!”
“Maybe your cutie mark represents your destiny, but mine’s just a big headache.”
Twilight frowned. “Radish, you shouldn’t be ashamed of your mark.”
“Oh, really? Then I guess you wouldn’t mind if I showed it to Spike,” Radish said, reaching for his belt buckle.
“All right! Finally!” cheered Spike, positioning himself for a good view.
“Radish! No!” Twilight tackled Radish with her horn glowing bright. They both disappeared with a flash of magic.
They reappeared in a heap on the floor of Twilight’s bedroom. Radish looked up into Twilight’s eyes.
“I was kidding. But see how you reacted? That’s the story of my life.”
Twilight climbed off of Radish, hanging her head in shame. “I’m sorry, Radish. But just because you can’t show your mark to a child, doesn’t mean you should just change it to something else. What if everypony did that?”
“Well… what if everypony did that? What if changing your cutie mark were as inconsequential as changing your hairstyle? What if cutie marks just didn’t matter?”
“Didn’t matter!? Radish, cutie marks are an integral part of pony culture, dating back earlier than recorded history. Our cutie marks symbolize what makes us special and unique!”
“What makes me unique, Twilight? Because it sure isn’t having sex with Celestia. I’ll never do that. Nopony will ever do that. My mark is a mystery, a lie, and a hindrance.”
Twilight put a hoof on Radish’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what your mark means. And I want you to be happy. But deep down, this feels like a mistake.”
“Twilight… friends can disagree on something and still be friends, right?”
Her ears drooped. “Yes, but… this?”
“Yes. This.”
“I… I won’t try to stop you. Just don’t ask me to help you with this, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And please tell Spike you were kidding.”
“Okay.”
Radish stepped into Carousel Boutique. Rarity was preparing dyes. Light Fantastic was drawing in her sketchbook.
“Hi, gals.”
“Hey! So, have you figured it out?” asked Light.
“Yes, don’t keep us in suspense!” said Rarity, giddily trotting in place. “What will be the new icon to emblematize your idiom?
“I want a radish.”
Light smirked. Rarity winced and turned around to hide her disappointment. “Oh. What a… charmingly traditional idea.”
“Thanks.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“Ah, there we go,” Rarity said joyously. “Phase One is complete!”
Rarity sat back, wiped her brow, and examined her work on Radish’s flanks. They were conducting a trial run of the dye job in her workroom on the upper floor of Carousel Boutique. She had matched Radish’s coat color exactly and dyed over both his cutie marks, leaving no trace of them behind. Light Fantastic sat in a chair off to the side, sketching radishes.
“Now, this is my best fur dye,” Rarity said. “It should survive a good many washings intact. That’s a Carousel Boutique guarantee, dear.”
“Thanks, Rarity,” said Radish. He stepped into view of a floor mirror. He turned sideways and stared at his blank sides.
“This is surreal. It’s like I never had a mark in the first place.”
“I kind of like it that way,” said Light. “No visual clutter to get in the way of checking out your butt.”
“You know, without a mark, you look a bit like Halcyon,” Rarity sighed wistfully. “Remember him? I do hope he’s feeling better, wherever he is.”
“I’m sure he is,” Radish said.
“Rarity! Are you up here?” called Sweetie Belle. The door swung open, and she walked in. “I need you to sign something for…”
She saw Radish, standing unclothed in the center of the room. Her eyes went wide. She scampered to his side and locked her eyes on his flanks. She stared.
“Oh, hi there, Sweetie Belle,” said Radish nonchalantly. “How was school today?”
Her jaw dropped. She reeled back in horror. “You’re… an adult blank flank!? ”
“That’s right, young lady," Radish said. "And you know what? If you don’t eat your vegetables, you'll end up one, too.”
Sweetie Belled gasped. She turned and fled out the door, screaming.
Rarity clicked her tongue. “Radish, that was quite cruel. Though, she has been a picky eater lately, so I can’t be too mad at you. Now, on to Phase Two. How’s it coming, Light?”
Light held up her sketchbook. “What do you think, Rad? Any of these call out to you?”
Radish looked over her sketches. He pointed to a round, red radish that was drawn at a forty-five degree angle. It had a long taproot at the bottom and three leaves budding out the top.
“That’s the one.”
“Why that one?”
“The root represents how I’ll hold firm in defense of Equestria. The three leaves are for the three pony tribes. The angle is to give it a sense of forward motion. And I want it red because that’s the best kind of radish.”
“Aww, you’ve really thought about it, huh?” said Light.
“That’s quite lovely,” said Rarity. “I’ve got just the shade of red- it’s bold, yet unpretentious.”
“Just like you, Rad!” said Light.
Radish looked at himself in the mirror again. “What more could I ask for?”
Rarity coached Light as she applied the finishing touches to Radish’s new marks.
“A little more… just a little more… and stop! Perfect!”
“Not quite yet,” said Light, wiping her brush. “Now they need shading.”
“Shading?” asked Rarity. “We didn’t discuss that in the planning stages.”
“I just thought of it,” said Light.
“You can’t ‘just think’ of changing the plan once the plan is in motion! This is a collaboration, dear.”
“Ladies,” said Radish, seeing himself in the mirror, “I think we’re good. They’re done. I’m ready.”
“How does it feel?” asked Light.
Radish stared at his reflection, transfixed. He brushed at the fake cutie mark, and it seemed as real as his genuine one. “It looks amazing.”
“But how does it feel? Is it you?” asked Rarity.
“I’m not sure. I’ve never known what I’m supposed to feel like.”
“Why not take a walk around town?” suggested Rarity. “See how it feels to go around in public? We’ll see how well it holds up under everyday conditions, and reapply it with what we’ve learned for the Games and for the reunion.”
“Don’t most Ponyvillians know about my real mark?”
“You’d be surprised by what Ponyvillians don’t know,” sighed Rarity. “I’ve lived in this town all my life, I’ve made front-page news multiple times, yet the counter girl at the teahouse still asks my name each week!”
“Okay.” Radish walked to the door. “I can do this.” He touched the knob, hesitated, then opened the door. He walked out.
Rarity held her hooves to her heart. “Ooh, it’s a bit like sending a child off to kindergarten for the first time, isn’t it? Perhaps he’ll make new friends!”
“Yeah,” said Light, watching him through the window.
“Are you looking forward to the reunion?”
“I suppose. I’ve never been to one.”
Light walked up to the mirror. She checked out her face from multiple angles.
“Rarity… do you think you could doll me up real pretty for the reunion? I want to be a drop-dead sexy trophy girlfriend for Radish.”
“Ooh! But of course, dear!” She sped to Light’s side. “I’ll give you a makeover that will make you the envy of every mare, doe, cow, and jenny in the room! Oh, I just love making a lady out of a tomboy!”
“I don’t really think of myself as a tomboy.”
“Light, on the train back from the Southern Plains, you got into a spitting contest with the engineer and won.”
“Damn right, I won! Oh. I see what you mean.”
Radish trotted through town. The streets were about as busy as normal, with mares and stallions going about their daily routines. Some walked with foals at their sides, causing Radish to tense up as they passed him. As each one seemed to pay him no particular mind, he felt more and more at ease.
He took in the town’s various tourist sights, unafraid of mingling in large crowds. He stopped at a cafe for lunch, where for once he wasn’t the only stallion in the building wearing pants.
He strolled through the market square, checking out carts and stalls selling various produce and products. He noticed Applejack in an apron, standing in an elaborately-decorated apple booth.
“Get’cher apples here! Fresh off the farm!” she called to passers-by.
Radish watched a dark gray pegasus stallion approach her booth.
“Well, hey there, Miss Applejack!”
“Well, howdy there, Thunderlane! Your usual weekly bushel?”
He leaned an elbow on her counter. “From a pretty filly like you? I’d rather get a peck.”
She coquettishly giggled and twirled her braid. “Oh ho, stop it! Why, you could charm the spots off a honeycrisp.”
Radish watched them finish their transaction. Thunderlane left with a particularly expensive bushel of apples on his back. Radish brushed his mane over to cover most of his face and approached the stand. He kept his head low and his voice lower.
“Hello, miss. I’d like a bag of red delicious, please.”
“Sure thing, mister!” Applejack turned around and gathered the produce. “One bag of my finest red delicious, comin’ right up!”
“I hope they’re at least half as fine as you are.”
“Oh ho, stop it! Why you could charm the spots off a-” She realized who she was speaking to. “Radish!?”
“Hi, AJ,” Radish said, fixing his mane back.
“But… Radish! Your pants!”
“Hmm? I’m not wearing any today. It’s so hot, you know?”
He turned sideways to show off his flanks. She gasped.
“Radish Root! What in the hay did you do to yourself?”
“Do you like it?”
She shook her head. “Radish, you know how I am about honesty, and this is just plumb dishonest! It’s like you’re lyin’ to the whole dang world!”
“Oh? And pretending to flirt with customers is the height of honesty?”
Applejack grit her teeth. “I’m tryin’ to provide for my family here, Radish .”
“And I’m trying to live a normal life, Applejack .”
“Radish? Radish Root?”
Radish and Applejack turned to see Apple Bloom staring up at him. Her eyes fixed on his mark.
“What in tarnation? It’s just a radish?”
“Oh, hi, Apple Bloom,” Radish said pleasantly.
“But… it’s just a radish?” Apple Bloom reached out and poked firmly at Radish’s mark. “Are radishes… bad?”
“No. They're healthy and delicious,” Radish said.
“Apple Bloom! Quit pokin’ him!" admonished Applejack. "And you, Radish! Quit… quit this whole thing!”
“Well, fine! I’ll just wash these off and come back here to show Apple Bloom what my cutie marks really are!”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“Wash them off? These are fake!? You can do that!?” asked Apple Bloom, poking Radish’s mark more rapidly.
“No, you can’t!” shouted Applejack. She pointed to Radish. “And neither can you!”
“You know, I think I’ve lost my appetite for apples,” Radish said dispassionately. “I’m going to go buy some papayas.”
He walked off. Applejack bristled. “You’ll be sorry! On both accounts!”
Apple Bloom put a hoof on her sister’s side. “Big sis? Are you okay?”
Applejack calmed herself and wiped her brow. “I’m fine, Apple Bloom. Somethin’ about what Radish did jus’ really set off somethin’ fierce inside me. It feels so… unnatural.”
“Well, what do his natural marks look like?”
“They’re a picture of- now cut that out!”
Radish sat underneath a hackberry tree on the bank of Ponyville’s river, finishing off a papaya. He heard light hoofsteps along the grass behind him, followed by a splash and the squelch of mud.
He peeked around the tree, and saw Scootaloo sunk knee-deep in the riverbank’s mud, struggling to pull herself free. She tried rocking her body while buzzing her wings, but was unable to budge herself an inch. Radish stood up.
As he approached, a pink filly Scootaloo’s age got to her first. She looked down at Scootaloo’s struggling with a smug grin.
“Playing in the mud?” she taunted.
“Diamond Tiara! I was trying to catch a frog for the jumping contest and I got stuck!” cried Scootaloo. “Please help me out of this!”
“And get mud on my hooves!?” the girl scoffed. Then, she leaned closer and smiled wickedly. “I know- why don’t you just fly yourself out of it?”
Scootaloo hunched over and turned away to hide the misery in her face. Radish felt a surge of fury. He stomped up close to them.
“Hey! You!”
Diamond Tiara turned and sneered. “Yeah, what?”
Scootaloo looked up at him. “Mr. Root? Is that you?”
“Root?” Diamond Tiara leaned sideways to see his cutie mark. “A radish? Wait, Radish Root? As in, Nightmare Root!? It is you! I have all your merchandise!”
Scootaloo cocked her head. “Merchandise?”
Diamond Tiara sighed in annoyance. “Don’t you know anything? This is the guy who gave Celestia a black eye for insulting his girlfriend!”
Radish stared down at her coldly. “Yeah? And if I did that to her , what do you think I’m going to do to you for insulting my friend Scootaloo?”
The girl cowered back. “What? I- I didn’t know she was your friend!”
“She asked for your help,” Radish said with irritation rising in his voice. “How much longer are you going to make her wait?”
“I was just going to!” She rushed to Scootaloo and pulled on her. Scootaloo popped free, and both girls tumbled sideways onto the ground.
“Thank you, Diamond Tiara,” said Scootaloo.
“Ewww!” spat Diamond Tiara, looking down at her muddied fur in disgust. She glared at Radish. “This is your fault! I’m tossing all your merch the minute I get home!”
She ran off in a huff. Radish looked down at Scootaloo. “You okay?”
“I am. Thank you.” She looked at Radish’s flank.
“What?” asked Radish.
“Nothing.”
“If you’re serious about that frog jumping contest, you can’t just catch any old frog,” Radish said, “you need to find one that has something to prove. Come on, I’ll show you what to look for.”
“All right!”
Radish helped Scootaloo find and secure the services of a red-legged frog for the contest. She thanked him and cheerfully trotted off with it to show Rainbow Dash. Radish washed his hooves in the town fountain, then turned to see Applejack, standing behind him with a bashful look on her face.
“I, uh, came lookin’ for you,” she said. “I had a whole speech about stayin’ true to yourself and whatnot. But then I watched you help out lil’ Scootaloo.”
“Guards are here to help.”
Applejack walked up to Radish and hugged him tightly. “Radish, I’m mighty sorry ‘bout what I said. I shoulda known that changing your fur doesn't change who you are inside. And you’ve always been a right noble steed on the inside.”
“Thank you, AJ.”
“Here,” she said, giving him a small sack. “A bag of my finest red delicious. No charge.”
“Ooh, they look delicious.”
“And your cutie marks look good enough to eat!”
“Oh. Uh, thanks.”
Radish entered Carousel Boutique. Rarity was busy tending to a mare with a classy bob manestyle, fitting the customer into an eye-catching black dress.
“Radish! How was the trial run?”
“It went pretty well. Did Light leave?”
The mare turned around. It was Light Fantastic, made over. She had gold eyeshadow and dark red lipstick.
“I’m right here, dear,” she said, flashing a smile and putting on a posh affectation.
Radish’s eyes grew wide. “Light? Is that really you?”
“Well, who else would it be, darling?”
“You look gorgeous!”
Rarity smiled proudly. Light smirked.
“You don’t look so bad yourself, handsome.”
Radish took her hoof in his. “Let’s go back to my cabin. We can test how well our makeovers hold up to strenuous exertion.”
Rarity winced. “Uh, I’m still here, you two.”
“Oh, darling ,” Light said. “I am a high-class mare. If you wish to woo my affections, I expect to be wined and dined at only the fanciest establishments.”
“Are you making fun of me?” asked Rarity in a hurt voice.
Radish leaned close to Light. “I’ll treat you to takeout and a six-pack.”
“Mmm, you have yourself a deal, dear.”
“What on earth is a six-pack?” asked Rarity, befuddled.
Radish and Light walked hoof-in-hoof out the store. Rarity watched them go out the window.
“Well, Rarity, you’ve done it again,” she said to herself. “Two more satisfied customers. Two more lives transformed by your masterful skills of fabulosity. Hmm. We forgot to discuss payment, though.”
Sweetie Belle burst through the door, tripping over herself and spilling two saddlebags worth of newly-bought vegetables all over the floor.
“Rarity!” she squeaked. “Help me cook these before I grow up blank-flanked!”
Rarity picked up a brussel sprout. She chuckled to herself. “On second thought, Radish, consider the bill paid.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish heard a light rapping at his cabin door. He opened it to see Fluttershy, nervously glancing around.
“Radish! May I come in?”
“Uh, sure,” he said, stepping out of the way. She rushed to his window and drew his curtains shut.
“Please lock the door,” she said in a hushed tone. He complied.
“What’s wrong?”
She walked up close to him. “Radish, I really need to show you something.”
“Like, an animal?”
She shook her head. She leaned her face up close to his, opening her mouth slightly.
Radish leaned back. “Uh, Fluttershy?”
She used her wings to pull up on the corners of her lips, revealing two tiny fangs in her upper row of teeth.
“What in the… are those real!?”
She nodded.
“How in the world... let me guess: another one of Twilight’s magical mishaps?”
She nodded. “See, it all started at Sweet Apple Acres, when-”
A scroll poofed into existence in front of Radish. He caught it.
“Oh, that’s probably from Twilight now, telling you all about it,” she said.
Radish opened and read the scroll.
“A colony of vampire fruit bats were consuming the Apples’ harvest, but you and Applejack had a difference of opinion on how to handle them…”
“Uh huh.”
“You argued over it through song.”
“Yes.”
“They convinced you to use your stare on the bats while Twilight cast a spell to… remove their desire to be vampire fruit bats?”
“That’s how she put it.”
“But then you absorbed that desire… and turned into a vampire bat pony! ?”
“That’s right.”
“What was it like?”
“It’s all a blur. I mostly just remember lots of upside-down apple trees. The girls say I had bat wings, bat ears, and red eyes. And I used these fangs to suck apples dry.”
“Twilight says she returned you to normal. So why do you still have the fangs?”
“I don’t know. I guess Twilight’s counterspell didn’t, well, get all the bat out of me.”
Radish flipped the letter over. “But she doesn’t mention that. You didn’t tell her?”
Fluttershy looked down and rubbed her shoulder. “Uh, you know how they say you should sometimes get a second doctor's opinion, even though it might hurt the first doctor’s feelings? I just felt I should maybe get a second opinion about my… bat condition… before having Twilight try again.”
“You want to talk to Luna. The creator of the original bat ponies.”
“Yes.”
“She should just be finishing breakfast right about now- I’ll take you to her.”
“Thank you, Radish. You’re always so helpful.”
“No problem. Oh, yeah,” he said, turning to the side, “what do you think of my new cutie marks?”
She leaned in close to look at them. She frowned.
“Well, radishes are awfully spicy. Wouldn’t you rather have something… juicy?”
“I guess I wasn’t considering the juiciness of my flanks.”
“Can we go now?”
“...and so, um, I told Radish about it, and he brought me to you, um, your highness,” Fluttershy said to Princess Luna with an uneasy bow. They had met with her in her tower bedroom.
Princess Luna cocked her head and furrowed her brows in disbelief. “Surely you jest?”
“Oh, no, I would never jest about something like this,” Fluttershy said resolutely.
Luna seized Fluttershy’s cheeks and pulled them up, exposing her fangs. She dragged Fluttershy’s face closer to her own and peered into her open mouth.
“By the stars, it is true,” Luna said in wonderment. “Our newest princess has created a new bat pony.”
“Ah huh”, Fluttershy said, mouth still wide open. Luna let her go.
“Where on earth did Twilight Sparkle learn such a spell?” asked Luna.
“She got it from a book in her library.”
Luna froze. “Uh… was it a red book? Magic of Chance and Change by the author Mare Cognitum?”
“I think that’s what it was. Yes.”
Luna winced and looked down. “Oh…”
“What’s wrong, princess?” Radish asked.
“This is all my fault. Or, more specifically, Nightmare Moon’s fault.”
“What?”
“Nightmare Moon plotted many devious means of subverting Equestrian society. One of her last schemes was to publish an advanced spellbook which included a few of her own most dangerous spells. She hoped to give studious young spellcasters a tempting taste of dark magic.”
“Wow, she really got a lot done in just a few years,” noted Radish.
“Quite so. But Nightmare Moon felt that literary marketing was beneath her, and thus the book did not sell very well. I am surprised a copy survived this long.”
“Then, the spell that Twilight used on me was the same one that created the original bat ponies?” Fluttershy asked.
Luna sighed mournfully. “Nay. Their creation was a much more… prolonged and invasive process. I do not recall everything Nightmare Moon did to them, but at least I know what Twilight Sparkle did to you. It is a spell used to dominate a creature’s will, altering their core motivations.”
“Huh,” said Radish, “didn’t Twilight try to do the same thing to the parasprites? She tried to change their appetites, and that went wrong, too.”
“And the same thing happened when she tried Starswirl’s last spell,” noted Fluttershy. “She made us all think we were meant to do something different with our lives.”
“Hrmph. It would seem that Twilight Sparkle built her spellcasting on a foundation partially poured by Nightmare Moon, making her a bit too comfortable with mind-control magic,” mused Luna. “I will have to have a talk with her about it.”
“What about Fluttershy?” asked Radish.
“Now that I know the spell we are dealing with, I can prepare its counterspell. It will take a bit of time, though. You two may rest in my tower in the meantime.”
“Thank you, Princess Luna,” said Fluttershy with a polite bow.
“Thanks are not needed. And Radish?”
“Yes?”
“Even though your new cutie marks are not moons, they are still very becoming. I approve.”
“Aw, thank you.”
Radish took Fluttershy to the break room in Luna’s tower. They put on a light jazz album and shared snacks at a small table.
“I hear you’re competing in the Equestria games,” Radish said. “That’s amazing.”
“We’ll see. We still have to qualify at the tryouts.”
“Yeah, so do I.”
“You’ll do great. How’s Light?”
“Good. Really busy lately. How’s the quest for the keys going?”
“We haven’t found any that fit yet. We all tried our own house keys, but they didn’t work. Pinkie Pie dropped a roller skate key into one of the holes, and Twilight was in a panic until they were able to fish it out.”
“Hmm.”
“I asked Discord about them during our last tea party, and he said that maybe the real keys will be the ones we find along the way.”
“But that’s… ugh. I don’t know how you can stand that guy.”
“Now, Radish. Don’t be mean. He’s come a long way.”
“Why didn’t you just ask him to fix your bat condition?”
She looked aside, frowning. “Oh, I uh, don’t want him to see me like this.”
“Because he’ll make fun of you? See, if he were really a friend… Fluttershy?”
Fluttershy didn’t seem to hear Radish, but kept intently staring at an apple in a fruit bowl. She picked it up and sniffed it.
“Uh, Fluttershy? Is something wrong?”
She shook her head, as if snapping out of a thought. She put the apple back. “Nope. All fine.”
The break room door flew open. Echo, Murk, and Nocturn burst in.
“Brother!” Murk shouted. The three of them piled on and hugged Radish.
“Hey guys! Good seeing you. Where’s Vesper?”
“She is with her new boyfriend ,” Murk said, rolling his eyes.
“Get out. Vessie has a feller? Nice guy?”
“No,” Echo, Nocturn, and Murk said simultaneously.
Echo approached Fluttershy. “Is what Luna says true? You are now a bat pony, like us?”
Fluttershy hunched over. “Um, I don’t really know what I am. I just have fangs now.”
“May I… see them?”
She bared her fangs. Echo’s wings twitched. “Magnificent! How do you feel?”
“Um… I feel okay.”
“But there must be more to it than just fangs. Tell me, are your senses sharper now?”
“Maybe? The crickets around my house seemed louder today.”
“And the world feels better at night, doesn’t it? The darkness makes you feel stronger, faster… and safer?”
“Well, I suppose the dark has felt a little less terrifying lately...”
“And the taste of insects is so much sweeter?”
“Oh, no! Well, I mean, yes, for fruit. Apples just taste so… satiating… now.”
“Fascinating. You are truly one of us.”
“I truly am?”
“Yes. We are part gray bat, you are part vampire bat. Different lineages, but a common heritage.”
“Ooh. I didn’t think of it that way.”
Nocturn poked his head between them. “Enough of this. Luna asked us to bring them.”
They returned to Luna’s room. Vesper was there, speaking to Luna. She waved at Radish.
“Brother!”
They hugged. “Hi, Vesper. How are you?”
“I am quite well.”
“I hear you’ve got a boyfriend.”
She grit her teeth. “My brothers are quite the gossips. I have a close friendship with a nice gentlecolt based on shared interests.”
“Do I know him?”
She ignored Radish and turned to Fluttershy.
“Miss Fluttershy, I am told you are one of us now.”
“Oh. Well…”
“Not for much longer,” said Luna. “The cure is ready.”
“Cure?” asked Vesper. “You intend to remove her new bat nature?”
“I can do much more than that now!” Luna announced. “I had thought Nightmare Moon’s process of creating bat ponies was irreversible. But Twilight Sparkle’s transformation method uses a much more flexible mind-over-matter approach. It can achieve bodily change in a safe and simple manner.”
“What are you saying?” asked Murk.
“I am saying I can cure the four of you, as well!”
The four bat ponies looked at each other.
“Mistress, we are not sick,” said Echo. “We do not require a cure.”
“Yes, you do,” Luna said firmly. “As Nightmare Moon, I twisted your bodies into creatures of the night, and twisted your minds into loyal minions. But now, I can undo those dark deeds. I can restore you to normal pegasi once again.”
“We told you, we have forgiven Nightmare Moon!” said Nocturn. “We do not begrudge her, nor do we blame you. We are satisfied with the status quo.”
Luna lit up her horn with a dark red glow.
“There is no need to be afraid. The cure will be quick and painless, then you will at last be free from the long dark shadow Nightmare Moon has cast over your lives.”
“Princess Luna, maybe we should talk about this,” said Radish.
Luna advanced on the bat ponies. They huddled and backed away. Fluttershy flew in between them and Luna.
“Princess Luna, I’m declining treatment. I want to stay a bat pony.”
Luna’s horn stopped glowing. “But why?”
“Because there’s nothing wrong with the bat ponies, and there’s nothing wrong with me. Everypony goes through changes. Sometimes unexpected ones. But change isn’t always bad. And I think I’m going to like being a bat pony, as long as I have these four to teach me how to be one.”
Luna frowned. “But… I must undo what Nightmare Moon did to them.”
Radish walked up to Luna. “What Nightmare Moon did to them was deny them a choice. But now you can give them one.”
Luna looked at the brethren. “And what do you four choose?”
“To be a bat pony!” the four said together.
“We live beautiful, thrilling lives,” said Vesper.
“It is an existence other ponies could only dream of,” added Nocturn.
“And it gets better every day,” said Murk.
“And now we can share it with another,” said Echo.
Luna closed her eyes and nodded. “Very well, then. Bat ponies you will remain. I expect you to take Fluttershy under your wings, as she asked.”
“Leave that to me,” said Echo. He walked up to Fluttershy and held out a hoof. “Come. The castle’s finest fruits are grown in Courtyard A. I will show you how to snatch them on the wing without even slowing down.”
She smiled and put her hoof in his. “Well, I am rather hungry.”
They walked out onto the balcony, then flew off.
“Well,” said Vesper, “if you will excuse me, I am due elsewhere.”
Nocturn let out a derisive snort. She ignored him and flew off. Murk and Nocturn said their goodbyes and took their leave as well, taking flight from the tower. Luna watched them go with a sigh.
“It would seem that even when I try to do good, I do wrong. At this rate, I will never make up for Nightmare Moon.”
“Princess, don’t you think it’s time you put Nightmare Moon behind you?”
“How can I, when even her smallest schemes can come back to haunt Equestria a thousand years later?”
“Nopony blames you. Please, Princess Luna, don’t punish yourself for what she did.”
Luna turned and looked Radish in the eye. “Thank you, Radish. You continue to provide me with sage advice.”
“I’m happy to help.”
Radish gave a salute and took his leave. Luna went to her window and stared up at the moon with a far-off look in her eyes. “Punish myself? Interesting idea.”
Echo and Fluttershy sat on a cloud above the castle, eating strawberries they nabbed from Courtyard A.
“You were right. The nighttime can actually feel comforting,” Fluttershy said. “And this is the best fruit I’ve ever tasted.”
“Both are better when shared with somepony,” said Echo. He gazed into her eyes. “And even better still when that pony is one so lovely.”
Fluttershy gave a polite smile. “Listen, I should tell you…”
“There is another that you fancy.”
“Um, no. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know. It’s complicated.”
“I will not press you further on the matter. I wish you all the best.”
“Thank you. But there’s still a lot more about being a bat I want you to teach me. For example, what’s that flittering noise we’ve been hearing?”
“Ah! Those are crescendo moths. They are active this time of night.”
“Really? I’ve always wanted to see one, but never knew where to look. But I can hear them now?”
“Yes, and many more creatures undetectable to normal ponies. Come, I will introduce you to the chorus of the night.”
“Thank you.”
Radish stepped out of Selenic Spire and trotted across the palace commons. He considered whether he should stay the night in his personal quarters, get a ride back to PEERS, or visit Light Fantastic.
He took a look at the main tower. A window of an apartment- an apartment normally vacant and reserved for a guest of high status- was lit tonight. He could make out a vague silhouette of a stallion in the room.
Prince Blueblood’s still in Canterlot. Makes me feel bad for all the palace personnel. I wonder what he’s hanging around for.
Radish trotted off to the palace’s chariot pool. From his window, Prince Blueblood watched him go. He took a sip of wine.
“Is anything wrong?” he asked the mare entering his apartment and locking the door behind herself.
“No,” said Vesper, “just a family meeting.”
He passed her a glass of wine. “Ah, I understand. Family is important.”
“Yes, I think so, too,” said Vesper, taking a sip. “Now, where were we?”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat on a Ponyville park bench, completely naked and in full view of numerous families with small children. He was feeling at peace. Rainbow Dash hovered down from above.
“Hey, Rad.”
“Hey, Dash.”
“Scootaloo told me about how you helped her out. Thanks. She even won the frog jumping contest!”
“Not a problem.”
“But I’m also mad at you. You should’ve told me you had a wrestler among your guards!”
“Hmm? Oh, that’s right. Wing Trooper Grenatta said she was her region’s champion.”
“Yeah, and the Griffonstone wrestling team snapped her up first! Lucky for you, I still managed to find you a partner.”
“Partner?” asked Radish.
“Uh huh. Equestria Games wrestling is a tag team event.”
“I’m not used to fighting on a tag team.”
“It’ll be fine,” assured Rainbow Dash. “It’s just like fighting alone, but with somepony else.”
“So who’s my partner?”
“Now, keep in mind I couldn’t get my first pick. Or my second pick.”
“Which were?”
“Bulk Biceps and Big Macintosh. But I needed to use Bulk to fill out the aerial relay team, and when I asked Big Mac, he just said ‘nope’, and went back to applebucking.”
“You should have told him about the cheerleaders.”
“Never mind. I’ve found you a great partner. Come with me and I’ll introduce you.”
She led Radish inside Ponyville’s community gym. Numerous ponies were making use of the facility’s exercise equipment. A blue unicorn stallion was working up a sweat on a rowing machine. A gray earth mare and her white unicorn companion were tossing a medicine ball back and forth.
A wrestling ring was set up in one corner, inside of which a magenta earth mare was doing stretches. Rainbow Dash approached her and introduced Radish.
“Cheerilee, I’d like you to meet Radish Root,’’ said Rainbow Dash. “Radish Root, Cheerilee.”
“Hello! It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she said, shaking Radish’s hoof.
“Twilight’s mentioned a Cheerilee. You’re the town schoolteacher, right?”
“Don’t underestimate her!” warned Rainbow Dash. “Wrestling is in her blood.”
“How so?” Radish asked.
Cheerilee smiled abashedly. “Well, I really shouldn’t talk about it, but my sister's a wrestler. I’ve had to fill in for her a few times.”
“Fill in?”
“Yes, she fights in a mask, and I look just like her wearing it. Maybe you’ve heard of her? The Mystery Mare?”
Radish frowned. “Oh… that kind of wrestling. That doesn’t really count, though, does it?”
Cheerliee cocked her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”
“I mean, that stuff is all scripted, right? Just pageantry for the kiddies.”
Cheerliee narrowed her eyes and leaned toward Radish. “Would you like me to show you how real it is, mister?”
“Yeah, I would.”
“All right!” Rainbow Dash cheered, pumping her hooves. “Fight! Fight! Fight!”
Radish and Cheerilee squared up inside the ring and faced each other. Rainbow Dash kicked the bell on the wall to start the match.
Cheerilee rushed Radish. He bent low. As she neared, she flipped and landed on her back, sliding towards him with her rear legs aimed at head.
She sprang off the floor and clamped her thighs around his neck. She squeezed and twisted her lower body, pulling Radish down.
Radish pulled backwards, dragging Cheerilee across the mat toward the edge of the ring. Seeing this, she released him and retreated to the center.
She galloped a full circle around Radish and somersaulted at him. He dodged. She landed behind him and cartwheeled into his side, knocking him down to his knees. Radish recovered to his hooves, and she backed away.
She leapt into the air with all four hooves wide. Radish caught her by the midsection and brought her down onto the mat. She latched around his neck, putting him in a headlock.
Radish slipped out of her grasp, rolled her, and pinned her down. Rainbow Dash gave a three-count and kicked the bell again. Radish had won.
He helped Cheerilee up. “You put too much flair into your attacks. You’re going to exhaust yourself too early in the fight, and then you’ll be at the mercy of your opponent.”
Cheerilee grinned and looked at Rainbow Dash. “Rainbow Dash, how do you think the fight went?”
“Cheerilee scored three points,” said Rainbow Dash. “Radish scored two.”
“I still won nonetheless,” Radish pointed out. “Points only matter if the timer runs out. What matters is pinning your opponent.”
“Wins by pins are statistically rarer than wins by points at the Equestria games,” said Cheerilee. “Most matches go until the timer runs out.”
“You should focus on winning as efficiently as you can, not pulling off flashy moves trying to earn points.”
“Alright, you two, quit the arguing,” admonished Rainbow Dash. “Save that fighting spirit for the opposition- you're going to need every last bit of it if you want a chance of beating them."
“Why’s that?” asked Radish. “Who’s the opposition?”
Rainbow Dash pulled a newspaper from her bag. “You should really read the sports section, Radish. Then you’d know what you’re up against.”
Radish took the paper and read down the list of wrestling teams from other towns. He grimaced. “Oh, son of a bitch.”
“Hey, watch the pottymouth,” Cheerilee scolded.
“The Crystal Empire is fielding a wrestling team. And look who’s on it.”
He passed the paper to Cheerilee. She gasped. “Prince Shining Armor!? I may get to wrestle with Prince Shining Armor!?”
“You won’t enjoy it. He likes to bend your legs into knots.”
“Mmm, a mare can only hope.”
“Ugh.”
“So, who’s this partner of his? It says here he’s teamed with somepony named Crosspatch.”
“Crosspatch. Where do I know that name? Oh, son of a b-”
Cheerilee shot him a look.
“... she’s the leader of Candance’s elite guard squad,” sighed Radish. “We’ve fought before.”
“In the ring?”
“No, in the street. We got into an argument over a cake delivery.”
“I was just asking. You don’t have to get sarcastic.”
“My point is, I don’t know if I can beat them. Shining Armor trained the ponies who trained me. He knows every move in every combat manual ever written. He was far beyond me the last time we fought, and he’s probably only gotten better since then. And I have no idea what kind of training Crosspatch has, but it’s probably severe.”
“Do you want to know what I tell my students when they don’t think they can pass a test?”
“What?”
“Study in groups.”
Radish looked up at Cheerilee, then over to the ring, then back to Cheerilee. “Okay. I’ll show you the moves they’ve used on me, and we can work out counters against them.”
Rainbow Dash smirked. "Now that’s what I want to hear. You two run some drills- I’ll be back later."
Rainbow Dash walked off. She chatted with various other ponies in the gym who were training for the Equestria Games, then treated herself to grass juice at the refreshments counter. She returned to the wrestling ring to find Radish and Cheerilee discussing holds and reversals.
“...and when he’s distracted, boom! Bring your elbow down, right between his shoulder blades,” Cheerilee instructed Radish.
“Hmm. Okay. Let’s work on that next,” Radish said.
“Sorry, but I need to get going,” said Cheerliee. “I’ve got quizzes to grade. But would you like to pick this up the same time tomorrow, Major Root?”
“All right, same time tomorrow. And call me ‘Radish’.”
“Okay, Radish. But get ready for a rematch.”
“I’ll be ready.”
Cheerilee winked and trotted away. Rainbow Dash nudged Radish with an elbow. “Admit it- you wouldn’t mind being that teacher’s pet.”
“No locker room talk about my teammate, Dash.”
“So she’s your teammate, now?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you two going to bring home the gold?”
“I don’t know. It’s going to be really tough.”
“I said , are you two going to bring home the gold? ”
“Yes, Dash, we’re going to bring home the gold.”
“That’s what I thought you said.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish leaned against the window of his Crystal Empire train car, watching the vast open wilderness of Equestria’s northernmost reaches fly by. The Equestria Games’ opening ceremony was tomorrow.
The Crystal Empire’s train was ornate, massive, and luxurious. Each car had been carved from a single giant crystal block by the Empire’s craftsponies. Radish had been given his own private car, a perk of being both a Games competitor and a major of the Royal Guard. His teammate Cheerilee had taken an earlier train, and so had Light Fantastic, who had her sights set on operating a merchandise booth outside the stadium. Twilight, with her princessly responsibilities, had gone ahead on as well, and Rainbow Dash had turned the Friendship Express into a mobile gym for the rest of Ponyville’s delegation. Still, there were ponies on this train that Radish knew.
His door flew open. Gazeta, the palace press pony, sauntered inside. “Hi, major! Swell accommodations you’ve got here. Nicer than mine.”
“What can I do for you, Gaz?”
“I’m doing profiles of the Games competitors, and I realized I needed a photo of what you’re currently passing off as your cutie mark.”
Radish turned to show it off. “Oh? Sure. Get its good side.”
She snapped a photo of it. “It’s a crying shame, you know. Your real cutie mark is a national treasure. It made Equestria just that much more interesting.”
“Would you like to have it on your flanks?”
“I’ve already got a tattoo from college that I regret.” She sat down on the bench opposite Radish. “Say, how about an interview?”
“What’s the angle?”
She pulled out her notebook. “Your big showdown with Prince Armor! I’m thinking a headline like, ‘Stallion who Slammed Celestia Sets Sights on Shining!’”
“That makes me sound like a villain.”
“How about we play up the trainer-trainee relationship? Something like, ‘Can he defeat the pony who taught him everything he knows?’”
“Shining Armor didn’t teach me everything I know.”
“Give me something to work with, here.”
“There’s no guarantee I’ll even fight Shining Armor in the games. It’s single-elimination. His team might lose before we can face each other.”
“Or maybe you’ll be eliminated first?”
“Not going to happen,” Radish said resolutely. Gazeta snapped a photo of Radish’s resolute face.
“What was that for?” he asked.
“Posterity. I have a sense about when I’m witnessing history in the making.”
The train rolled into the station in the late morning. Radish disembarked. He explored the station for a bit before moving on, reading educational placards about the local history.
The train tracks to the Crystal Empire had actually been laid during the Empire’s long absence, to support mining explorations into the area it had once occupied. Though its existence had mostly passed from memory, the invention of rail had suddenly put many faraway lands, both old and new, within a day’s travel. Enterprising ponies who knew their history set their sights on the mines the Empire had once drew its resources from, believing them to be easy pickings without the crystal ponies, or their tyrant conqueror, around to object.
Prospecting the lands, however, yielded little material wealth, and even the hardiest of ponies found the frigid wastes inhospitable. Without the crystal heart, the local weather was intractable, owing to magical blizzards that swept the lands on a regular cycle. Up until the Empire’s reappearance, the train line was maintained only for scientific expeditions, which would sojourn in and out of the area as the seasons allowed.
The Empire reappeared just beyond the reach of the rail line, and the crystal ponies, wary of the new invention and the possibility that it could bring more conquerors to their doorstep, asked Princess Cadance to keep it out of the Empire. Thus, the train station was built on the outskirts, and travelers had to walk or hire coaches into the city proper.
Radish stepped out of the station, adjusted his saddlebags and looked around. Next to a tall crystal coach, he saw a tall crystal coachstallion, holding a sign reading, “Maj. R. Root.” Radish approached him.
“Uh, I’m Major R. Root. Is this for me?”
“Yes, sir. Welcome to the Crystal Empire.”
The coach conveyed Radish through the streets at a relaxed clip. Radish had only glimpsed the city on his previous, and only, visit to the Empire, and that had been at night. He was now seeing it by daylight. The streets were busy, but sparkling clean. The streets and buildings had been polished to a shine in anticipation of the Games.
The coach stopped, and the coachpony opened the door for Radish. Radish gazed up at the tall crystal building before him.
“This is the hotel?”
“Yes, sir. The finest in the Empire.”
“Nice.” Radish reached into his coin bag.
“Oh, we don’t tip in the Crystal Empire, sir.”
“Nice.”
Radish entered the lobby and checked in. A bellhop took his bags to his room while he explored. He found himself in a courtyard with a large pool, where numerous ponies were swimming and sunbathing.
“Major Root? Is that you?”
He turned to see a muscular unicorn mare at a shaded table, sipping a tall smoothie. It took him a moment to recognize her, as he'd never seen her out of armor before. She was Crosspatch, the leader of Cadance’s personal guard squad.
“Oh. Hello, Chief Petty Officer Crosspatch.”
“Actually, it’s Flag Captain Crosspatch now.”
“Congrats. That’s higher, right?”
“It’s complicated. Crystal Empire ranks vary in prestige according to competing rulesets based on ancient social mores that only crystal ponies understand. But the pay is higher, at least.”
“That is complicated. Uh, are we… good?”
She chuckled. “They’ve got a saying here in the Crystal Empire: ‘First impressions are just a rehearsal.’”
“Oh. I like that.”
“But don’t expect me to go easy on you if we face each other in the ring.”
“Likewise.”
“Speaking of which, could you sign this?”
She pulled out a pink Nightmare Root T-shirt. Radish squinted at it. Its artwork and fonts were different from the shirts he was used to seeing in Light’s shop.
“Where did you get this?”
“A street seller in the east district.”
“This is a bootleg.”
“There’s no copyright law in the Crystal Empire.”
“Hmm, Light’s not going to like that. Who should I make this out to?”
“Starter Striker. My husband.”
“You’re married?”
“Yeah. Three years, now.”
“And he’s a fan of… me?”
“Well, this kooky fictional version of you.”
“Okay.” Radish autographed the shirt and gave it back. “What made you want to compete in the Equestria Games?”
Crosspatch shrugged. “Fame. Glory. A chance to prove myself to the world. How about you?”
Radish paused to think about it. “I guess I wanted to get out of my comfort zone.”
“You have a comfort zone?”
“It's small, but growing.”
A white dove landed on Radish’s head and dropped a pink envelope into his hoof. It flew off. He opened the envelope.
“Oh. Princess Cadance wants to meet with me.”
“Have fun.”
“How’s she doing these days?”
“She’s still a princess of the people. Still being way too cavalier about her own security.”
“Well, hopefully these Games pass without any supervillain attacks.”
“Now, why would you say that?”
The Crystal Castle loomed over the city like the gnomon of a sundial. The city’s stadium sat behind it like a curled-up dog. Radish entered the stadium and made his way to the field. Crystal ponies were tending to last-minute preparations: testing the bleachers, adjusting the signage, and trimming individual blades of grass to perfect evenness. He found Princess Cadance on the sidelines, overseeing the hubbub.
“Radish! Welcome to the Crystal Empire!”
Radish bowed. “Hello, your high- oh!”
Cadance threw her forehooves around Radish and hugged him, nuzzling his cheek. “So good to see you! It’s been too long.”
Radish froze. “I…”
“What’s wrong?”
“I didn’t know we were on… such familiar terms.”
She let him go with a laugh. “Oh, Radish. We’re practically family.”
“We are?”
“Well, sure. I mean, you’re just like a-”
“Please don’t say, ‘like a son to Celestia’.”
“I was going to say, ‘like a brother to Twilight'.”
“Oh. That’s okay.”
“You know, she’s been telling me about your exploits. Taking down Worthy Wagoner, helping her with the CAA, fighting those vines…”
“Just doing my duty.”
She looked at his flank. “She also mentioned the… changes you’ve made to your cutie mark.”
Radish shifted to show it off better. “Light and Rarity painted them. Aren’t they nice?”
“Yes, nice. But Twilight was very worried about the effect that living with fake marks could have on a pony.”
“Twilight’s smart, but she’s wrong on this one.”
“Well, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here.”
“Princess, you’ve got bigger things to worry about than me.”
Cadance shook her head. “Every heart in Equestria is connected. Help one, and you help all of them.”
“You should listen to her, Radish. She knows what she’s talking about,” said a familiar voice. It was Shining Armor, walking up to them.
“Hello, Prince Armor.”
Shining Armor extended a hoof. “Just ‘Shining’, remember?”
Radish clasped his hoof and shook it. “Hello, Shining.”
“I hear we may be facing each other in the ring again! Don’t think I’ve gone soft, just because I’m a prince now.”
“Of course not.” Radish turned over Shining’s hoof and examined it. “Oh, that’s a nice hooficure.”
Shining withdrew his hoof. “Yeah, well, these hooves are going to be taking down everypony between me and the gold, no matter how smart their mouth is.”
Princess Cadance walked between them and draped her hooves over their necks, pulling them into a tightly-gripped group hug.
“Aw, isn’t this nice?” she said cheerfully. “My favorite boys, bonding through a healthy, friendly competition!"
“Yes, dear,” said Shining.
“Yes, ma’am,” said Radish.
Radish trotted out to the plaza in front of the stadium, where numerous ponies were setting up merchandise booths. He found Light Fantastic arranging a booth of her own.
“Hey, Rad!”
“Hey, Fan. Did you know they’re selling knockoffs of your stuff here?”
“Yeah, I saw. I’m not sure if I should be upset or honored. How are you feeling? Ready to compete?”
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”
“Go get ‘em, tiger.”
The Equestria Games commenced with a grand ceremony. There was no sign of trouble, though Spike did seem to have some difficulty lighting the ceremonial flame. Radish assumed somepony screwed up the kindling.
Wrestling began the second day of the Games. Radish and Cheerille watched other teams’ matches carefully from the sidelines, looking for weaknesses in their styles. A Games official, a stern-looking earth mare, approached them with a clipboard.
“Ponyville team, your first match will commence presently. You will be competing against Griffonstone,” she said.
“Griffonstone?” asked Radish. “That means-”
“Hello, sir. It’ll be an honor to fight you.”
Radish turned to see Wing Trooper Grenatta, wearing the griffon version of wrestling gear.
“Hello, Grenatta. You don’t have to ‘sir’ me on the Games field.”
“I’d prefer to, sir. It’s more professional.”
“Okay. I hope you weren’t offended that I didn’t ask you to compete for Ponyville. I’ve had a lot of other things on my mind lately, so I wasn’t thinking about stuff like that.”
“Not to worry, sir, I like competing for Griffonstone. Griffons don’t get much glory on the world stage.”
“All right, then. May the best team win.”
She walked off to talk to her teammate. Radish looked up at the VIP section, where the four princesses, plus the delegates from other lands, sat watching. Just below them were Twilight’s friends. Radish couldn’t make out any of their faces. Light was somewhere in the crowd, but Radish had no idea where.
He stared up at the scoreboard. On one side was the flag of Griffonstone, under which were images of Grenatta and her partner. On the other side was the flag of Ponyville, under which were images of three smiling flowers and a red radish.
“Wow,” gasped Cheerilee, “I never thought I’d see my cutie mark up on display like that.”
“Yeah. Me neither.”
“Go Ponyville! Fight! Win!” called out mares’ voices. Radish looked in the direction of the shouts.
Pinkie Pie and a small group of other Ponyville mares were lined up in cheerleader outfits. Some of them waved at Radish. Some of them winked at him. Pinkie Pie grinned widely. “Hey Rad! Don’t worry, the Ponyville Pep Platoon is here to cheer you all the way to victory!”
Radish swallowed hard. “Oh, uh, thank you, ladies.”
Cheerilee put her head into his side and shoved him toward the wrestling ring. “Come on, you can flirt with the cheer squad after we’ve won.”
“I resent the implication.”
The two teams approached the wrestling ring. Radish took stock of the opposing team. Grenatta was slightly smaller than an average female griffon, but her partner, a male griffon with ocelot-spotted fur and falcon-checkered wings, was about twice her size. He regarded Radish and Cheerilee with an unimpressed stare.
“That’s Guttersnipe Grimes,” whispered Cheerilee. “He’s been banned from every professional wrestling league in Equestria. My sister said he’s been spotted on the underground fight circuit in the Kludgelands.”
Grimes stepped forth, making a beckoning motion with his talons.
“I’ll go first,” Radish told Cheerilee.
Radish and Grimes entered the ring. The crowd quieted down. A whistle blew. Radish and Grimes collided into a fierce grapple. The crowd roared to life.
Grimes twisted and threw Radish down, then dropped his full weight on Radish’s back. Radish caught him with his rear hooves and shoved him away. Radish then pounced and seized Grimes in a headlock.
Grimes launched Radish and himself into the air. Both of them slammed face-first into the ground. Grimes recovered first, grabbed Radish by his rear hooves, and swung him into the ground like a sledgehammer.
Radish saw Cheerilee reaching out to him. He slid over to her and tagged her in. She rushed into battle while Radish sat and caught his breath and popped his jaw back into place.
Cheerilee seized Grimes and slammed him, then picked him up and piledrove him back down. She locked her rear legs around his neck and pulled.
The two rolled back and forth across the ground, trading holds, counters, and reversals, each one more painful-looking than the last. A whistle blew. Cheerilee had scored seven points more than Grimes, granting her a win by technical superiority. The crowd cheered her on as Grimes scowlingly exited the ring and Grenatta took his place. The whistle blew.
Grenatta rolled forward, slipped behind Cheerilee in a flash, and grabbed her haunches. She raised Cheerilee into the air and slammed her down. She pinned Cheerilee, and the referee counted to three. Cheerilee was out.
Cheerilee limped out of the ring.
“Sorry, I got cocky,” she said to Radish.
“Don’t worry about it.”
Radish took Cheerilee’s place in the ring. Grenatta carefully circled him, then swooped forward. Radish took her in a hold and tried to force her down. Radish locked her torso and rolled her over, but she slipped out of his grip and threw him across the ring. He landed on his hooves and charged.
She guarded high, and Radish flipped and landed on his back, sliding towards her with his rear legs aimed at her head. He sprang off the floor and clamped his thighs around her neck. He squeezed and twisted his lower body, pulling Grenatta down. He rolled onto her and pinned her.
The whistle blew one last time. Ponyville had won.
The crowd went wild. Radish’s and Cheerilee’s cutie marks on the scoreboard glowed with golden light. The Ponyville Pep Platoon cartwheeled onto the field and tossed Radish and Cheerilee into the air, catching them and piling onto them.
“Whoo-hoo!” shouted Pinkie Pie, pulling them both into a crushing embrace. “That was amazing!”
“Thanks, Pinkie,” wheezed Radish.
“Well done, Major Root,” said Cheerliee, smiling. “If you were my student, I’d give you an A+ for that performance.”
“Thanks, teach. You did great.”
Grenatta landed next to Radish and extended her claw.
“Good match, sir.”
“You fought well,” said Radish, shaking her claw with his hoof. "I'm proud of you."
“Thank you, sir. The griffons back home won’t be impressed, but I’m glad you were.”
Radish took a sideline bench, watching as crystal pony workers changed the scoreboard for the next competition. Light Fantastic landed on the grass next to him.
“Hey, Light. Were you watching?”
She smirked and drew her hoof up and down his chest. “I sure was. You looked so hot out there.”
He looked back to the scoreboard. It was now showing the cutie marks of different athletes, for a different sport. He looked down at his dye cutie mark, brushing his hoof over it.
“What’s wrong?” asked Light.
“Nothing.”
The rest of Team Ponyville’s matches went well. Cloudsdale put their beefiest Wonderbolts on their team, but Radish and Cheerilee beat them swiftly. The team from Appleloosa- an earth stallion and a buffalo gal- gave them the most trouble, requiring a strategy of quick feints and surprise moves to carry them to victory.
The Saddle Arabian team beat Maretonia’s, and were defeated in turn by the Crystal Empire’s team of Shining Armor and Crosspatch, who also went on to beat the Dodge Junction team. After that, Ponyville and the Crystal Empire were the only teams remaining.
Radish was relaxing on a bench in a plaza behind the stadium, staring up at a massive crystal statue of Spike and going over strategies in his head, when Shining Armor approached him.
“Well, Radish, looks like we’ll be facing each other after all.”
“Felt inevitable, didn’t it?”
Shining Armor sat down next to him. “Could I ask a favor of you, one stallion to another?”
“Yeah?”
“When we fight, I want you to fight me at your absolute best. Don’t hold back.”
“Uh, I wasn't planning on holding back.”
“I’ve been watching your matches. When you slam your opponent into the ground, you never do it as hard as you could have. When you twist a limb, you stop before making it too painful.”
Radish kept silent.
“And I’d rather forfeit than win against somepony trying to go easy on me. If you sense yourself about to give me any quarter, don’t. Give me your all.”
“Why is this so important to you?”
Shining Armor shrugged. “We want to give the audience their money’s worth, don’t we?”
“Sure. Okay, you got it. No quarter.”
“Thank you, Radish.”
Shining Armor left the plaza. Radish watched him go, then leaned back on his bench. He reworked the strategies in his head until the sun started to set, then left for his hotel.
The Only Mark That Matters
Light Fantastic took her seat in the crystal stadium with a soda and a large bucket of popcorn. She, along with other friends and family members of the competitors, had been provided with a front-row seat in the premium section, several rows down from the VIP box where the princesses and delegates sat. The final wrestling match was about to begin.
A gray earth mare with a long gray mane sat down next to Light. It took a moment for Light to realize where she had seen her before.
“Oh, hey, you work with Radish, right? Marble Pie?”
Marble Pie nodded. Light held out a hoof.
“I’m Light. Radish is my boyfriend.”
They shook hooves. Light nodded to the sidelines, where Pinkie Pie and the rest of Ponyville’s cheerleaders were readying their routine.
“What, didn’t you want to join your sister down there on the cheer squad?” Light asked wryly.
Marble’s face turned red, and she aggressively shook her head.
“I’m just messing with you. But you know, you should come hang out in Midtown sometime. I think you’d like the scene- the ponies there aren’t the cheerleading type, either.”
Marble nodded appreciatively. Then, she looked back to the ring and leaned forward in interest. Radish and Cheerilee had taken positions at the edge of the wrestling ring opposite Shining Armor and Crosspatch.
Crosspatch stepped forward. Cheerilee stepped forward to meet her. They both took fighting stances.
“Looks like the girls will be going first,” said Light.
The whistle blew.
The two mares collided and locked their forehooves around each other’s shoulders. Crosspatch tried to shove Cheerilee down, but Cheerilee rolled down faster, dragging Crosspatch into a tumble. Cheerilee leapt to pin her opponent, but Crosspatch rolled clear and seized Cheerilee by the hind legs.
Cheerilee bucked straight out, flinging Crosspatch down. As Crosspatch climbed to her hooves, Cheerilee pounced with her elbow aimed at Crosspatch’s haunches.
She landed on Crosspatch with her full weight, causing Crosspatch’s eyes to bug out. Cheerilee seized all four of her legs and twisted them behind her back. Crosspatch grit her teeth and bucked Cheerilee off, then tackled her with vengeful ferocity. She plowed Cheerilee into the ground, picked her up, then threw back into the ground right at Radish’s hooves. She backed away, as if daring Radish to tag in. Radish tagged in.
Radish rushed Crosspatch. She dodged him and shoved his hindquarters. Radish flipped backward and collided into Crosspatch. He locked her forehooves around her face and pinned her down.
The whistle blew. Crosspatch was out. He helped her up, and they shook hooves.
Light Fantastic cheered. Marble gave her a quizzical look.
“Yeah, I know,” chuckled Light. “It is kind of weird to see my boyfriend rolling around on the ground with all these… athletic mares . But it’s fine. Rad is used to working with all kinds of hot girls- princesses, guards, Pastelles. Heck, you’re quite a looker, too.”
Marble’s face went red and she waved her hooves in a panic. Light put a reassuring hoof on her shoulder.
“Hey, don’t worry. I trust him, and I have a good feeling about you, too.”
She nodded, relieved. A mutter passed through the crowd as Shining Armor stepped into the ring.
His eyes met Radish’s. Radish stepped back and tagged Cheerilee back in. Shining Armor startled back as she swooped at him.
Shining dodged Cheerilee’s opening grab. She leapt at him again and again, and he warded her off, backing toward the edge of the ring. Suddenly he rushed forward, lifted her up in the air, and hurled her down. She latched onto him along the way, bringing him down with her. The two tumbled over each other.
Shining Armor seized Cheerilee’s forearm, spun, and slammed her down. She sprang up and reversed the hold on him, pressing him down with his hoof to his back. He rolled free and swung out his hoof, tossing her high in the air. She positioned herself to land on her rear hooves, but he tackled her at the last second, pinning her down. The whistle blew.
Only Radish and Shining Armor remained. Every pony in the audience was leaning forward, holding their breath. They watched Radish and Cheerilee whisper to each other, and then he stepped into the ring.
Pinkie Pie broke the silence by rallying the Ponyville Pep Platoon into a new cheer.
“Go Radish! Kick his tail! Pound him like a horseshoe nail!”
They were drowned out by another wave of voices- across the field, the Crystal Empire Cheer Chorus formed an inverted pyramid and belted out a cheer of their own.
“Shining, Shining, he’s the stallion, to overcome that rapscallion!”
Radish and Shining Armor circled each other. Radish made a feint to the left, then flanked right and barreled at Shining’s side. Shining leapt over Radish, clamped onto his back, and locked his own forehooves around Radish’s. He reeled back, trying to unbalance Radish.
Radish jumped, flipped mid-air, and landed on Shining’s belly, elbow-first. Shining’s eyes bugged out and he made an unponylike gurgling sound. Radish reached to pin Shining, but Shining caught his hooves and pulled, flipping Radish. Radish recovered to his hooves and grabbed Shining. The two stallions locked into a grapple tug-of-war, dragging each other back and forth across the ring.
Just below the VIP box, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy cheered for Radish. Rarity observed the match through a pair of her finest opera glasses. She set her sight on the scoreboard, where a facsimile of Radish’s fake cutie mark was posted. She smiled.
“To think, it was my fur dyeing skills that made Radish comfortable enough to compete. Ooh, perhaps he’ll return the favor by plugging Carousel Boutique in post-match interviews!”
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Why don'tcha just slap a billboard on him?"
"Not enough room, darling." Rarity offered the glasses to Fluttershy. “Say, Fluttershy, would you like to try these out?”
“Oh, thank you.” Fluttershy took the glasses and focused on Radish and Shining. As she spectated, she felt a growing discomfort, as if she was being watched.
Fluttershy lowered the glasses and looked around. Rarity and Applejack were staring at her. Everypony in the row in front of her was watching her expectantly. She looked behind her, and several of the VIPs were leaning over their section’s rail, eyes locked on her.
She scowled at Rarity. “You just wanted me to read their lips, didn't you?”
“Well, dear,” said Rarity, putting a hoof around Fluttershy’s shoulder, “if you happened to catch an inkling or two of what they’re saying to each other…”
“Forget it! I’m never doing that again! Besides, they’re not talking. They’re just… glaring at each other.”
“Well, that don’t mean they ain’t sayin’ nothin’,” said Applejack. “Fellas can say more with their silence than they can with their words. One of the benefits of growin’ up with a quiet brother is that ya learn the secret language of stallion silence.”
“Oh, really?” Rarity asked skeptically.
“I wish I grew up with a quiet brother,” grumbled Fluttershy.
“Well then, Applejack, would you be so kind as to tell us what their silence is saying?” Rarity asked.
Applejack took the glasses and focused on Radish’s and Shining Armor’s faces.
“Hmm. Shinin’ Armor’s got this angry look that says, ‘Dagnabbit, Radish, I thought I told ya not to hold back! ’. And Radish is makin’ a scowl that’s sayin’, ‘I ain’t holdin ’ back, consarn it!’” .
“Oh?” asked Rarity. “Interesting.”
“But Shinin’ Armor ain’t havin’ none o’ that. That sneer of his is bellowin’ out, ‘Oh, yes ya are ! And I wanna know why you’re treatin ’ me like a delicate daisy blossom! ’ Now Radish’s gritted teeth are admittin’, ‘Cuz I swore a dang-blasted oath to protect Equestrian royalty, fer pony’s sake! ’ And that’s got Shinin’ hoppin’ mad. He’s got a face that says, ‘Y er insultin ’ my honor as a stallion by not takin ’ me seriously as yer opponent!’ and Radish is jus’ about fed up. His flared nostrils just hollered, ‘Fine! You want me to fight’cha seriously? Have it your way! I’ll wallop ya like a plow wallops a dirt clod! I’ll beat you into the ground like a two-bit fence post! I’ll mash you up like a Sunday sweet potato casserole!’”
“Applejack, dear, I do believe you’re applying a rather specific interpretive lens to their exchange.”
“Well, you got the jist of it, didn’tcha?”
Radish lifted Shining over his head and tossed him across the ring. Shining Armor rose shakingly, raising his eyes to see Radish rushing at him. Before he could react, Radish seized his shoulders, spun, and flung him into the dirt hard. Radish leapt onto Shining, and Shining fought to keep Radish from pinning him.
In the VIP box, Luna leaned over to Cadance with a proud smirk. “It would seem your husband can scarcely keep up with my Champion. But don’t feel ashamed- Shining Armor is still a worthy stallion in many other respects.”
Cadance leaned toward Luna and whispered, “You know, Aunt Luna, one of these days we’re going to have to analyze this ‘Champion’ thing you have going on with Radish. It feels like you may be displacing some feelings that you’re otherwise afraid to-”
“Look! He’s scored yet another point!”
Radish dragged Shining off the ground, held him aloft in one hoof like his spear, and hurled him. Shining landed outside of the ring, scraping a furrow into the grass. He sat up and spat out a wad of turf. He now had ten seconds to get back in the ring before being disqualified.
He achingly lurched his way back to the ring. Radish watched him, eyes narrowed. Shining grit his teeth, pushed his soreness out of his mind, and charged. Radish charged to meet him. The two bodies collided with a loud thud .
Radish and Shining fought back and forth over the dirt, trading holds and reversals while kicking up dust and dripping sweat. Radish, fighting in a frenzy, felt his mind growing detached from his actions- he was no longer so much as choosing his moves, but watching as his body reacted on instinct. The duel turned into a dogfight. He and Shining ferociously slammed, twisted, and tackled each other with no notice of the world around them or regard for their own pain. The audience grew quiet in rapt attention. The cheerleading squads paused their routines and watched.
“Oh my, this fight is getting rather heated,” Rarity said, leaning back and fanning her face.
Applejack grinned at her. “Seems like that’s not the only thing that’s getting heated around here.”
“Ach! Rude . I simply mean that I can barely keep up with the action.”
“Neither can the scorekeepers,” pointed out Fluttershy. “Look.”
At a sideline table, the scorekeepers were flipping over their number cards in a panic, trying to keep up with the points each stallion was earning off the other. Getting seven points ahead of one’s opponent was an automatic win, but so far neither competitor had given up that much ground to the other.
Radish felt his consciousness slip further away. His higher reasoning and his base instincts synchronized, directing his body faster than Radish had ever moved. All the moves he had learned from Ranger training, Guard drills, and practice with Cheerilee were coalescing in his mind as a continuous tapestry of action and reaction. The dogfight had become a dissertation, a treatise on everything wrestling could be.
Shining Armor made a grab for Radish’s hind legs, and Radish countered effortlessly, taking Shining in his hooves, leaping high, and slamming him straight down with all the force he could muster. A blast of dust filled the ring.
The dust settled to reveal Shining Armor on his back, feebly pawing at Radish’s forehooves, which were pinning his shoulders to the ground.
The whistle blew. Radish had won.
The next few minutes Radish could only ever remember as a blur. The flashes from hundreds of cameras accompanied thousands of voices cheering. He felt himself being embraced, lifted, and carried. He was then standing next to Cheerilee on the top of the winners’ podium. A gold medal was placed around his neck, and he reflexively waved to the crowd.
When Radish’s senses returned to him, he found himself in the stadium’s locker room, sitting on a bench. His limbs ached and his skin was feeling cold from the sweat evaporating off his fur. The door opened, and Shining Armor limped in. He had a silver medal around his neck and a twitch in his right eye.
Radish stood. “Sir?”
“Just ‘Shining’, remember?”
“Shining, are you all right?”
“Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?” He slumped onto the bench. A cracking noise emanated from somewhere in his lower back. “Ow. ”
Radish sat next to him. “Did you get what you wanted out of the match?”
Shining lay down on the bench. “And then some. Thanks for keeping your promise. I haven’t had a fight like that in a long time.”
“I don’t think I ever have.”
A light blue aura opened the locker room door. Princess Cadance walked in, looking unamused.
“That was quite a fight, you two. Everypony’s going to be talking about it for a long time.”
“Thanks, dear.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
She turned to Radish with a sympathetic look. “Oh, Radish, you look awfully sore. Would you like a healing spell?”
“Yes, ma’am. Thank you.”
Her horn glowed, and she cast a spell which enveloped Radish in a warm pink light. His muscles instantly felt relief.
“Ooh. Much appreciated, ma’am.”
“You’re welcome.”
Shining Armor winced. “Uh, dear? Could you heal me, too?”
She stood over him, looking down with a stern expression. “Are you going to start acting like the prince you are, rather than trying to relive your glory days as an athlete?”
“Yes, dear.”
“And are you going to drop this immature competitive streak you have with Radish?”
“That’s… not what this was about.”
Her horn stopped glowing. “Fine, then. You can heal on your own.”
She started to walk away.
“Okay! Okay,” said Shining. He sighed. “Radish, I’m sorry. These Games are supposed to be friendly competitions, and I took this too far.”
He wincingly shifted on the bench to look at Radish. “After you joined the Ponyville team, everypony around the castle was talking like it was a given that you would win the gold. So maybe I just needed to… see how I stack up against you.”
Radish leaned back. “But why? You’re a living legend. You were the youngest Captain of the Guard in history. You blew away the changeling army. You beat a hydra into submission with your bare hooves when you were just a cadet.”
“That last one is more of a tall tale. See, the thing about being a living legend is that eventually, your legend outpaces your life. So you go chasing after it. But it laps you so many times that you can never catch up to it. And then you’re left wondering if you’ll be remembered as the MVP… or a benchwarmer.”
Cadance sighed in annoyance, dipped her horn toward Shining Armor, and cast her healing spell on him. “Good enough, I suppose.”
“Thank you, dear.”
“When you’re done in here, you’re needed back on the field- for official duties.”
“I’ll be right out.”
Cadance walked out. Radish turned to Shining. “You know, I worry about my legacy, too. Not so much about how I’ll be remembered, but about the mark I’ll leave on the world.”
“You don’t need to worry about that. I think you’re going to leave a fine mark on the world.”
“Thanks.”
Freshly showered, Radish left the locker room and walked down the hall, looking for the exit. Rainbow Dash appeared around a corner. She brightened as she saw him.
“There you are, Radish!”
“Hi, Dash.”
She walked up to him, widely grinning. “That was such a cool fight. You did great out there.”
“I’m just happy to help out Ponyville.”
“You sure did. Ponyville got the most medals of any town this year. And thanks to you, we got the highest percentage of gold medals, too!”
“That’s great.”
Rainbow Dash looked at the ground and rubbed the back of her head. "So, uh… I guess I have to do this now, huh?"
"Do what?"
She closed her eyes, raised a hoof, and cleared her throat. "Radish Root, you brought honor and glory to Ponyville. Thus, I bestow upon you this favor."
She kissed his cheek. His eyes went wide.
“Whoa.”
She chuckled and walked away. “See you around, champ.”
Radish watched her go. He heard a new set of hooves approaching. He turned to see Celestia.
“Good afternoon, princess.”
“Radish, I wanted to congratulate you on a truly incredible match. I haven’t seen a fight like that since Flash Magnus and Rockhoof sparred over the last piece of spice cake.”
“Aw, thank you, ma’am. That’s very flattering.”
“And that’s three members of the royal family you’ve now defeated in combat.”
“Well, they keep asking for it!”
Celestia laughed. “I think we’ve all learned our lesson by now. Though Delegate Amira from Saddle Arabia did remark to me that she ‘wouldn’t mind going a few rounds’ with you.”
“Really? Is she still here?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Perhaps you should rest on your laurels, major?”
“Aye, ma’am.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish stepped outside the stadium, looking for Light among the rows of vendors. When he found her booth, she flew over her counter and hugged him.
“Radish! You did it! You won! You were incredible! How do you feel?”
“Relieved. Now I can just enjoy the rest of the Games. How are sales?”
“Pretty dang good. How about dinner at that restaurant Hazy recommended? My treat.”
“All right.”
“And invite Cheerilee. She was incredible, too.”
“Okay, I think I know where to find her.”
“Oh yeah, the Purple Squirt was looking for you. She’s near the big Spike.”
“Do you want to invite her to dinner, too?”
Light snickered. “She said she made plans to dine with Flash Sentry’s girlfriend.”
“Really?”
“She’s hoping to ‘clear up any remaining awkwardness’ between them.”
“Sheesh. I’d hate to be at that dinner.”
“That’s what I said.”
Radish found Twilight on a bench by the large statue of Spike. She noticed him approaching, and she took a deep breath as if she was steeling herself to talk to him.
“Hi, Twilight.”
“Radish… first of all, I wanted to say congratulations. You competed terrifically. Especially considering your opponent.”
“Thanks.”
“And… I’m sorry I’ve been distant. I arrived at the Crystal Empire before you did- I shouldn’t have waited this long to speak with you.”
“Twilight, you’re a princess. You’ve been crazy busy with all kinds of official business this week.”
She looked down. “That’s not the reason. Radish, I’m still… having trouble with your… new cutie marks.”
“Oh.”
She looked back at her own cutie mark. “The day I got my cutie mark was one of the happiest days of my life. I’ve always put a great deal of value in my marks. Seeing your… new one… up on the scoreboard was hard for me. I’m sorry, but I’m still getting used to the idea that a pony could live their life happily, even successfully, under an… altered mark.”
“Twilight…”
She walked up to him and hugged him. “But I value our friendship more. So, please, just be patient with me until I’m comfortable with the change, okay?”
Radish patted the back of her head. “Okay, Twilight.”
“Thank you, Radish.”
“So, you’re meeting Shinethrough, huh?”
“Yes. There’s no reason I can’t be friends with the girl who’s dating the alternate-reality counterpart of the only guy I ever had romantic feelings for.”
“That’s so mature of you. Good luck.”
On the topmost floor of the crystal stadium was the Winner’s Room, a special luxury lounge set aside exclusively for gold medal winners. Radish showed his gold medal to the bouncer, who let him through the door.
Inside, floor-to-ceiling windows gave the guests a grand view of the field. A full bar was set up on one end of the long room, massage tables were set up on the other, while sitting, eating, and observation areas were set up between.
He approached the bar. On one of the chairs was a bright gold pegasus mare with an orange mane. She spun around and toasted her champagne glass in his direction.
“Well, well, well. It’s the prince-slayer himself. I was wondering if I’d see you up here. You’ve got some nice moves.”
“Captain Spitfire?”
“That’s me.” She turned to the barpony. “A glass of the good stuff for the champ here.”
“Thanks. I’m here looking for my partner. Have you seen her?”
“She’s back over there,” Spitfire said, waving to the other end of the lounge. “I’d have never imagined that Ponyville would field so many medal winners this year.”
“Well, we couldn’t have done it without Rainbow Dash pulling the teams together. She’s as good a leader as she is an athlete. She’d be-”
“You don’t have to do that. She’s already on the short list of Wonderbolts candidates.”
“Good.”
Radish found Cheerilee on one of the massage tables, getting a rubdown from a tall, chiseled crystal stallion.
“Why, hello, Radish,” she said, her voice vibrating as her masseur rapidly percussed her back.
“Hi, teach. Enjoying the perks of being a champion, I see.”
“I can’t thank you enough. You really pulled through in the clutch. And now I get to enjoy all this.”
“We’re a team. You won as much as I did, I just went last.”
“Oh, don’t be modest. You were- ooohhhhh yes, right there,” she moaned to her masseur as he dug into her upper back.
Radish hopped up on a massage table, facing out at the windows.
“So, what are we watching?”
“Discus throw. Stick around, there’s going to be ice archery at the end of the hour.”
“My girlfriend and I want to invite you to dinner tonight. A friend recommended a place with some kind of crystal food specialty.”
“Thanks, but I’ve got dinner plans of my own. With Guttersnipe Grimes ,” Cheerilee said with a smirk and a wink.
“Seriously?”
“We talked after our match. He’s actually very sweet.”
“Huh.”
Radish left the stadium, fully massaged and relaxed. On the way back to the hotel, a little blue earth colt came galloping up to him.
“Hey! You’re Radish Root!” he said, hopping excitedly.
“That’s right.”
“I watched you fight! You were awesome!”
“Aw, thanks.”
“I got my cutie mark because of you!”
“What’s that?”
“Watching you wrestle inspired me! I knew I wanted to be just like you! And that made my cutie mark appear!”
‘Really? Is it a cutie mark for wrestling? Something to do with the Royal Guard?”
“Nuh uh! Check it out!” He turned sideways to show off his cutie mark.
It was a red radish.
Radish stared. “But… but it’s…”
“I saw yours up on the scoreboard! It looked so cool! And then I got one just like it!”
The boy scooted his side closer. Radish backed away.
“It’s it great? Now I’m just like you! ”
“That’s… that’s…”
Shining Armor and Cadance entered their castle bedroom.
“Well, that’s the last time we seal everyone’s magic for a sports event,” grumbled Shining Armor as he hung up his helmet. “What were we thinking?”
“Now, Shiny,” said Cadance, “it was the right idea, it just wasn’t… implemented with all the contingencies in mind. We’ll make it easier to rapidly cut off the sealing spell next time. And we’ll be sure to clear the skies the next time there are ice arrows in use.”
Shining finished hanging up his armor. He turned to his wife. “We have a few hours before the closing ceremonies. Care to join me in the tub?”
Cadance gasped, made a pained expression, and clutched at her chest. She turned to the door. “I need to go.”
“Go?” asked Shining. “Go where?”
“I have to see Radish.”
“What?”
She was already out the door, rushing down the hallway. At the landing of her castle’s grand staircase, Flag Captain Crosspatch waved her down.
“Princess, about my idea regarding the vault-”
“I’m sorry, Crosspatch, I can’t talk now. There’s a family emergency.”
Princess Cadance stood outside Radish’s hotel room. She pounded on his door.
“Radish? I could feel a huge spike of despair coming from your heart! What’s wrong?”
“Go away!” came his response from within the room.
“Let me in. Whatever it is, I can help.”
“I said go away!”
“Radish, I’m exercising royal privilege and unlocking the door.”
“Don’t you dare!”
She magically unbolted the door and walked in. She found Radish in the bathroom, sitting on the rim of the bathtub, desperately scrubbing away at his fake cutie marks with a thick wet sponge. Dozens of different soaps, shampoos, and cleaning products, all opened or used up, were strewn about him, and so were various wet rags, loofahs, and brushes. He was trembling. His eyes were tearing up.
“Radish? What are you doing?”
“Nothing's working. It’s not coming off. I can't get it off!” He made a disgusted noise in his throat and hurled the sponge across the room. He watched it spat into the wall, then threw his head back and laughed. “Thank goodness for the Canterlot Boutique guarantee! Now I get to live with what I’ve become!”
“Radish! Talk to me! What happened?”
Radish hung his head. “A little boy got his cutie mark… watching me compete. And guess what? He got himself a radish, just like mine! But mine is a lie, isn’t it? I just painted it on. His is real- he earned his mark. But now his mark will forever be a lie, because it’s based on my lie. I’ve ruined that child’s life. I defaced his destiny. I’m a monster.”
“You’re not a monster, Radish. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“What if another pony gets their cutie mark inspired by his? I may have just started an entire lineage of fraudulent cutie marks. My lie will echo down the generations. All because I wanted a little glory on the sports field.”
Radish rushed past Cadance out into the bedroom. He picked up his gold medal off the dresser, opened the window, and reeled the medal back to throw it.
“Radish! Stop!”
Cadance floated his medal out of his hoof and placed it around his neck.
“This is where this belongs. You earned it.”
“Well, I didn’t earn this!” he bellowed, pointing to his wet, fake cutie mark. “Earth ponies get vegetable cutie marks when they discover they’re good at farming! Good at nurturing life and good at providing food! Useful, helpful, honorable things! But I just gave myself a radish because I wanted one. I’ve dishonored every pony who’s ever grown a plant. What the fuck was I thinking?”
Cadance walked up to Radish and hugged him tightly.
“Princess, don’t do that,” Radish said with a sigh. “I’m wet.”
“Shhh. It’s fine.” She rested her head on his, and drew her wings around him. She held Radish’s head against her chest. He felt his breathing calm down and his heartbeat return to normal.
“What is this, some kind of calming magic?”
“No. I’m just really good at hugging.”
“This doesn’t solve my problem, you know.”
“It solves one problem: that you need a hug right now.”
Radish went limp in his Cadance’s embrace. He looked up at her. “Cadance… what am I going to do? I can’t be me in public. I can’t be something else. I can’t be anything.”
“I think I know where we can find you some answers.”
Cadance led Radish through the Crystal Castle, up several flights of stairs and through multiple back hallways. They stopped at a dead end of a corridor, featureless except for a crystal embedded partway up the wall.
“Okay, here we are,” said the princess.
“Here’s what?” asked Radish.
“Answers, major,” said Flag Captain Crosspatch, walking up to them in her rose gold armor. “I suggested this idea to Cadance earlier today.”
“Suggested what idea?”
Cadance put her hoof on the wall. “When Twilight first searched this castle for the Crystal Heart, she discovered that Sombra had hidden entire sections of the castle away behind dark magic veils. We’ve been slowly discovering these sections, disabling their traps, exploring them, and cataloging what they hold. And behind this wall…”
She fired a pink beam at the crystal in the wall. A swirl of rainbow reflected back, eroding away the wall and revealing a vast room full of rows of bookshelves. Each shelf held books, scrolls, tablets, and miscellaneous artifacts, all caked in dust and covered in cobwebs. Crystal sconces embedded in the walls glowed to life, illuminating the space.
“...we found Sombra’s forbidden knowledge vault. Any information from the Empire or beyond that he didn’t want anypony else to know, he seized and kept in here.”
She looked at Radish. “I know Aunt Celestia has tried to research your cutie mark before, to no avail. I think she never found answers because Sombra had already collected all the most important ancient writings on cutie marks and hoarded them in this room.”
“What did he care about cutie marks?” Radish asked.
“One of the rumors among the crystal ponies is that Sombra was an adult blank flank,” said Crosspatch. “They think he was obsessed with controlling everypony’s destiny because he never discovered his own.”
“Really?” asked Radish.
“I think that rumor puts a nasty stigma on markfree adults,” said Cadance, “but I do agree that there may be answers about your cutie mark in here. We had only just recently found this room, and we haven’t cataloged everything that’s in it. And some of these objects are from the pre-tribal period, possibly from an era before ponies even had cutie marks.”
Radish walked inside. He looked up at the nearest bookshelf. One shelf was crammed full with large, ancient tomes. Another had scrolls piled into rows. Another had crystals of various shapes and sizes. Similar collections repeated across the other shelves.
“We should get Twilight’s help in here,” said Radish. “Nopony can go through a library like her.”
Cadance rubbed the back of her head. “The rest of us princesses had a talk with Twilight after the Flutterbat incident. We’ve all agreed she should limit her exposure to dark magic for the time being. A trove like this might contain spells that would be a bit too tempting for her. But a well-disciplined earth pony like yourself shouldn’t be in any danger of learning dark magic in here.”
Radish ran a hoof over the spines of a row of books. “There’s a palace reporter here- Gazeta. She practically lives in stacks like these. I could use her help to go through all this.”
“All right,” said Cadance. “We’ll go find her.”
“Ma’am, I would like to stay here and guard Radish Root while he searches the archive,” said Crosspatch. “Just in case something on these shelves springs to life.”
“Very well. I’ll be back soon.”
Cadance left. Crosspatch watched her go until she was out of sight, then smiled.
“I thought she’d never leave.”
“Hmm?”
Crosspatch fired a green beam at the top of the doorway. The magic door closed in on itself.
“What are you doing?” asked Radish.
She took off her helmet and shook out her mane. She sauntered up to Radish and leaned her face close to his.
“I’ve been waiting to get you alone all day.”
“If you’re sore about the match-”
“I’m not upset with you, silly,” she giggled. She nuzzled his cheek with a throaty moan. “I want you. I need you .”
“You’re married .”
She put her hoof on Radish’s lips. “Shh. Forget about that.”
Cadance reached the main floor of the castle to hear the din of dozens of guards, shouting orders and rushing about in pairs. Shining Armor came running out of a side door, saw her, sneered, and ran at her.
“You! Stop!”
“Shiny? What’s going on?”
He lit up his horn and pointed it at her throat. “What did my Uncle Tracks give us as a wedding gift? Answer!”
“A… a… big ugly still life painting. Why?”
Shining Armor hugged her tightly. “It is you. Thank goodness. Cadance, a guard just found Crosspatch in her quarters- trapped inside a big green cocoon!”
“But… oh dear.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish smiled as he placed his hoof gently on Crosspatch’s. He leaned toward her.
“Listen, Flag Captain…”
“Yes?”
He seized her hoof, flipped her over, and pinned her to the floor, gripping her throat.
“I’ve felt that tug at my heart before, changeling .”
“Not just any changeling,” Crosspatch purred self-assuredly.
Radish grit his teeth. “Maxilla!? ”
A cold green flame washed over Crosspatch, turning her into a large female changeling with dark red eyes. She rolled over, pinning Radish under her. The rest of Crosspatch’s armor sloughed off her and clattered to the floor.
“I am happy to see you again, Radish Root. The last time we met, we were interrupted before we could get to know each other.”
“Whatever your goal here is, you won’t succeed.”
“My only goal here was you.”
“What?”
Maxilla put her face centimeters from his and inhaled deeply. Radish grit his teeth.
“I’ve never feasted on any love like yours before,” she said. “I needed to taste that love again.”
“My love isn’t for you, bug.”
“Yes, I can feel it. You’ve built a lockbox around your heart. You keep your love closely guarded now.”
With a blaze of green fire, she changed into Celestia.
“Guarded for me, perhaps?” she asked, pouting her lips and batting her eyelashes.
Radish sneered. “That’s not going to work.”
“No?” She changed into Luna. “This one, perhaps? You fought so hard to keep me from her. ”
“And I always will. You bugs will never harm my princesses as long as I live.”
She grinned. “The lockbox is leaking. Your concern for your princesses is just another expression of your love for them. It makes a fine appetizer.”
He seized her head and flipped her over, and locked her forehooves behind her back. He twisted and pressed her limbs. She flashed with green flame again, and she was now Cadance, on her back, with her legs and wings wrapping around Radish. She pulled him in close.
“Just give in. Feed me your love. In exchange, I'll be any mare you desire.”
Radish stopped struggling. He looked askance. “Any mare? Even…”
She leaned in. “Yes, Radish Root? Who do you desire?”
“Have you seen… my wrestling partner?”
She flashed into Cheerilee. She gave a bright smile. “This one? You fancy her?”
“During practice… I…”
“You…?”
Radish bucked her in the air, seized her, and slammed her down at full strength. She bounced off the marble floor, leaving a crack.
“...I taught her how to counter that move. Guess you never learned.”
Maxilla snarled and changed into a cragadile. Radish leapt onto her snout and pinned it close. She flashed into the form of a four-legged beast somewhat akin to a furry rhinoceros. It tossed Radish off and charged him. Radish instinctively reached for his sword, which he didn’t have. He grimaced and rolled to avoid the charge.
She returned to her true form before she hit the wall, then opened her wings and hovered. She spat a glob of green goo at Radish. He leapt to avoid it. She spat more.
Radish dove towards Crosspatch’s discarded armor and held up the saddle plate as a shield. As Maxilla’s goo blobs impacted it, he searched it for weapons, but found none.
Radish kicked Crosspatch’s helmet at Maxilla, then pressed the shield to the floor and pulled back on it. The changeling goo adhered to the floor and stretched out like the rubber band of a slingshot. He loaded the rest of Crosspatch’s armor- her four boots- onto the shield, aimed it at Maxilla, and let it go.
Maxilla dodged the helmet, only to fly into the path of the salvo of armored boots. They struck her face, chest, and wings. She fell to the floor, growling and shaking off the pain.
Radish rushed forward and slugged her. She reeled back, hissing in fury. He pounced on her and seized her neck in a headlock. She flashed into the form of a large timberwolf, ensnaring and half-burying Radish into her body of sticks.
“Enough fighting,” she said in a creaky, hollow voice. “I am leaving now and taking you with me.”
Radish struggled to free himself. The magic doorway reopened, flooding the room with light. Cadance, Shining Armor, Crosspatch, and a contingent of crystal guards stood at the threshold, horns glowing and weapons drawn.
“Radish!” gasped Cadance. She threw her aura around him and ripped him out of the timberwolf’s body, pulling him through the air toward herself. She caught him and hugged him tight.
Maxilla snarled and pounced at them, slamming face-first into a transparent shield projected from Shining Armor’s horn. She reverted to her true form and fell limp to the floor.
“Guards! Seize her!” shouted the real Crosspatch.
The guards quickly swarmed and piled onto Maxilla. They shackled her limbs, restrained her wings, and clamped an inhibitor ring onto her horn.
“Radish, are you all right?” asked Cadance, letting him slip from her embrace.
Radish sighed. “Please forgive me, ma’am, sir. I drew her to the Crystal Empire. I was complacent about changeling-checking. I let her trap me alone. I should have-”
Shining Armor narrowed his eyes at Radish. He walked up to him, threw his hooves around him, and hugged him tightly.
“Sir?”
“Radish… shut up. Just shut up. This was a win. Stop apologizing for it.”
“I… okay.”
“What was she after?”
“Uh… me, apparently.”
“Are you hurt?”
“Some splinters.”
Princess Cadance waved her horn over Radish’s chest. “Hmm. She barely got any of your love this time.”
“This time I knew to hold onto it.”
“Interesting technique,” said Shining. “Let’s debrief and you can tell me about it.”
“Shiny, I think Radish should get some rest right now,” Cadance said.
“Thank you, ma’am,” said Radish.
“Quit ma’am -ing me. We’re family.”
Radish awoke in his hotel room bed. It was night out. Light Fantastic was on the sofa, reading.
“Oh, hey, Light. Did I miss dinner?”
“No, but the closing ceremonies are about to start. I didn’t wake you because you looked like you really needed the nap.”
“I did. Was there any news from the castle?”
“That was what I was going to ask you. It seems something happened there today, but the royals aren’t giving any details. What’s up?”
“I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.”
“That’s all you’re going to give me, huh?”
“Yes.”
“Fine. Keep your big important top secrets.”
A series of colorful lights burst outside, followed by loud booms and rising crackles. Radish and Light went to the window.
“Oh, fireworks. Nice,” she said.
A zapping noise much louder than any firework blared out from the direction of the castle. Suddenly, a dome of pink light expanded from the city center and passed through the room. Radish and Light felt their entire bodies tingle.
“Gah! What was that?” gasped Light, rubbing her eyes.
Radish looked down at his body. It was crystalline, translucent, and sparkling.
“Twilight’s mentioned this. She said that when the city gets happy enough, the crystal heart activates and turns everypony crystal for a while. It also changes your manestyle into something old-timey.”
He looked at Light’s mane. It was now fashioned into a short bob with two small braids framing her face.
“You look really cute like that.”
Light scoffed. “Oh, really? Well, don’t expect me to keep it like this. I hate braiding my hair.”
“How do I look?”
“Pretty damn good. But… oh…”
“What?”
Light pointed to his side. “Your cutie mark.”
Radish looked at his cutie mark. The radish was gone. His original mark was in its place. The tiny Radish and the tiny Celestia were now both back in their usual positions, but were drawn as if they were crystal ponies.
“What does it mean?” Light asked.
“I guess the effect doesn’t carry over stuff like hair dye or makeup. This is how the crystal heart thinks I should look.”
“Hey, that heart doesn’t know the real you.”
“Thanks.”
“Do you think the dyed marks will come back?”
“I guess. Applejack said her hat got changed into a fancy hair ornament, but it came back. Still, we can’t go to dinner until the effect wears off.”
“Oh, just throw on a coat. I’m hungry.”
Shining Armor burst into the Crystal Castle’s infirmary. He stomped up to a bed, in which Maxilla lay unconscious. Crosspatch was by her side.
“Flag Captain! Mind telling me what happened to our prisoner?”
“That big wave from the crystal heart happened, sir. I was with her when it activated. It hit her like a bug zapper. She passed out, twitching.”
“Hmm. I guess the wave worked similar to the love blast at my wedding.”
“Sir, if there were any other changelings in the Empire, the same thing would have happened to them too. We should comb the city for any other passed-out changelings.”
“Okay. You stay with the prisoner, I’ll organize a search.”
“You realize, sir, that if Spike lit the fireworks show, which inspired the citizens to power the crystal heart, which disabled any changelings in the city…”
“Then Spike just saved the city for the third time. Ugh, he’s going to be unbearable after this.”
“And sir, I’ve been thinking- the little colt that told Radish he got his cutie mark? He could have been Maxilla in disguise.”
“I was thinking the same thing. But that would mean a leap forward in changeling tactics. Maxilla would’ve needed to know exactly how to psychologically manipulate Radish. Not even Chrysalis bothered to do that- whenever I got suspicious, she just zapped my brain.”
“Then, the changelings are getting smarter, sir?”
“Either that or they’re getting help from somewhere.”
“Who would do that?”
“We’ll just have to ask her that when she wakes up.”
Fetching Steps got off the elevator of the top floor of the Crystal Empire’s finest hotel. She walked to the end of the hall, checked her surroundings, then knocked on the last door- one time slow and three times fast.
The door opened with a unicorn’s aura. She walked in to find the hefty seafoam green unicorn stallion with a gray mane staring out the window at the fireworks.
“Hey boss. Bad news. Maxilla went off-script. The Crystal Guard has her now.”
“Yes, I heard. I blame myself. Putting her anywhere near Radish Root was a mistake. I underestimated how much of a junkie she was for another hit of him.”
“What do we do?”
“Let them have her. She’ll be missed, but the work can continue without her. She was becoming intractable, anyway.”
A pink wave of light and positivity passed through the room. Fetching Step’s body turned crystal, her mane turned into a tight wave of curls, and her coat turned dull gray. She looked down at her hooves and frowned.
“Oh, great. I’m boring old me again. How long does this last?”
“Don’t turn around.”
A shiver crept down her spine. “It did the same to you, I take it? You’re standing right behind me, not a spot of dye on your fur.”
“That’s right.”
“What would you do to me if I saw you like that?”
There was no response.
“Are you still there?”
She turned around cautiously. He was gone.
Radish sat in his private compartment on the crystal train. It would soon be departing back home. There was a knock at the door.
“Come in.”
Twilight entered the compartment. “Hello, Radish.”
“Hi, Twilight.”
“Where’s Light?”
“The dining car.”
“Cadance told me about what happened. The changeling attack... and the boy.”
Radish sighed. “Twilight… you were right. A pony can’t live under a fake cutie mark. It’s no better than what changelings do.”
“Have you considered that the boy could have been the changeling, too?”
“I’ve thought about it. But that’s bad, too. It means she knew my weakness. She knew just where to stab the knife in and twist. Living this lie just makes me a liability- a danger to Equestria. So, I’m not going to live this lie anymore. I’d rather hide embarrassing marks than proudly show off fake ones.”
“You’re going to take the radishes off?”
“I’ll let time do that. Without retouchings, they’ll just fade away. Little Radish and Little Celestia will fade in and get back to their… usual business.”
“Radish, I’m sorry. I wasn’t comfortable with your dyed marks, but I didn’t want something like this to happen.”
“It’s fine, Twilight. The fake marks served their purpose. They got me through my class reunion and the Equestria Games. I got a gold medal and a smooch from Rainbow Dash.”
“Huh?”
“How was dinner with Shinethrough?”
Twilight looked down. “Oh, it was nice. She’s, uh, planning on proposing to Flash. She even showed me the ring she picked out.”
“Ooh. Sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? I told you, he’s not the Flash Sentry I fell for.”
“But if the one in this universe is getting married, then that could mean that the one in-”
“Well! It was nice talking to you, Radish, but I should get back to my seat. See you back in Ponyville, okay?”
“Okay. See you.”
Shining Armor and Cadance stood on the balcony of the Crystal Castle, watching the train depart. Cadance put her head on Shining Armor’s shoulder.
“Not a bad week, all things considered,” Shining said.
“Thanks to Radish,” noted Cadance.
Shining Armor looked at his wife. “Cadance… would you feel safer if Radish was your guard?”
“You want to poach him from Celestia and Luna?”
“He might enjoy living here.”
“No, the mare he loves lives in Canterlot.”
“Well, that’s never going to happen as long as he works for her. Working for us, he could have a chance.”
“Uh, Shiny, I was talking about Light Fantastic.”
“Oh right. Yeah, okay.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Luna and Harold walked side-by-side through the mists of the dream world. They stopped in front of a towering wall of glowing spheres hovering mid-air, inside each of which was a miniature scene playing out like a silent film.
“Now, place your hoof upon a bubble,” Luna instructed. “You will sense the nature of the dream inside.”
Harold walked up to a nearby sphere depicting a green unicorn stallion on a walk through dark woods. He placed his hoof on its surface and tried to clear his mind.
He frowned. “I… I don’t feel anything.”
“We will practice until you do. If you are to be my apprentice in dream matters, you will have to develop these skills- and many more.”
“You want me as your apprentice?”
“Naturally. It is quite rare to find one who has power in the dream world. Occasionally a pony might have it as their special talent, but for much of Equestria’s history, the gift was limited to Celestia and I. And her dream powers have always been rather… elementary.”
“But I could not do what you do. Ponies look forward to seeing you in their dreams. They will be disappointed to see me.”
“Do not be so sure. I have overheard my ladies-in-waiting speak quite adoringly of ‘that handsome new bull who works in the astronomy tower’.”
Harold turned to hide his blush. “That is… flattering to hear.”
“Come now. Let us see what nightmares plague ponykind tonight.”
She led him to a separate grouping of dream orbs, a row of about twenty, laid out on a long marble display counter.
“Whose dreams are these?” asked Harold.
“Family and close friends. I start every night by first checking on those closest to me.”
“You give priority to your favorites?”
“But of course. It is a princess’s prerogative.”
Harold peered at a sphere. Its surface was fogged up. “Why is this one hazy?”
“Ah. That is Radish Root’s dream. I keep that one censored because he so frequently dreams about, well…”
“I understand.”
Harold turned his attention to the first orb in the lineup. He could see nothing in it but dangling willow branches. However, the orb itself seemed to be twitching- shaking and pulsing in size.
“What is wrong with this one?”
Luna sighed. “That is not quite a nightmare. It is a recurring fantasy born out of anxiety, guilt, and longing.”
“Do you assist in those?”
“If I can.”
Harold placed his hoof on it. He gasped and startled back. “It is Celestia’s, isn’t it?”
“Yes. But I cannot help her in there. I never could.”
Harold felt the ground under his hooves rumble. He looked around. “What was that?”
Luna’s eyes went wide in panic. “I want you to wake up. It’s not safe here.”
“What about-”
Luna touched her horn to his forehead. He vanished from the dream world. She turned and gazed up at the expanse around her. It was darkening red. She heard something stomping up from behind her.
Celestia touched down lightly in a secluded grove along the river running through Canterlot’s uptown. She brushed aside dangling willow branches to find a bespectacled light blue unicorn stallion, stretched out on the grass. He smiled brightly upon seeing her.
“Hello, Celestia.”
“Hello, my love. I’ve missed you.”
They kissed, slipping down to the ground in an embrace. Celestia rested her head on the stallion’s chest and sighed in contentment. He stroked her mane and sighed in wistfulness.
“Celestia… isn’t it time you moved on from me?”
“I don’t know what you mean, my dearest.”
“I died, ages ago, at the end of a long, fulfilling life. When will you begin yours?”
“Don’t be silly. You’re right here with me.”
“You know I only wanted you to be happy.”
“Shh. Let’s just enjoy the moment.”
The ground under them tremored. The trees surrounding them shook, making their branches creak and their leaves rustle.
“That felt like an earthquake,” said the stallion, adjusting his glasses. “But there are no fault lines in Central Equestria.”
Celestia frowned, looking around worriedly. “That was no earthquake. That was… something else.”
The ground shook again, much more violently. The river sloshed back and forth in its banks, rising into a tall wave which crashed toward the pair. Celestia threw up a yellow barrier to shield her beloved. The ground fell away from under her and she slipped into darkness.
Celestia found herself alone in the starlit expanse of the dream world. Its usual aquamarine space was bright red. She felt cold. She also felt observed.
“Luna!” she called. “Are you there?”
She heard a crash behind her, like the shattering of glass mixed with the cracking of stone. Celestia turned around just as a massive claw swiped at her face.
She woke in her bed with a yelp, clutching her sheets. Her bedroom door flew open, and Luna rushed in.
“Sister! Are you alright?”
Celestia steadied herself. “I've just had the most terrible dream.”
“Why do you think I'm here? You know as well as I that this was not a dream, but a vision.”
The sisters walked up to the window, gazing out at the night.
“Then we haven't much time,” said Celestia, determinedly. “The stronger he becomes, the more we are all in danger.”
“There is but one course of action…” Luna said resolvedly.
Celestia nodded. “Yes...”
“...I will summon Radish Root at once,” said Luna.
“...I will summon Twilight Sparkle at once,” said Celestia.
The sisters frowned at each other.
“Luna , I don’t think this is quite up Radish’s alley.”
“Celestia , I think this is exactly the type of mission my Champion is suited for."
They stared each other down.
“Perhaps… we could agree on a compromise?” offered Celestia.
“I’m listening.”
“...Tirek was sent to Tartarus for his crimes. But it appears he has found a way to escape,” finished Celestia. She and the other princesses had convened in a rarely-used conference room of the Crystal Castle.
“We believe it happened when Cerberus left his post at the gates,” added Luna.
Twilight ran through the timeline in her head. “But that was a long time ago. Why is he just now starting to steal magic?”
“His time in Tartarus left him very weak,” said Celestia. “He has just now gained enough strength to use his dark powers.”
“But with each passing moment, he grows stronger still,” Luna warned.
Cadance smiled at her sister-in-law. “And I know just the princess who can stop him.”
Twilight sat up straight, full of resolve. “Yes. I'll find him and–”
“No, Twilight,” interrupted Celestia. “I’m afraid I must call on another to stop Tirek.” She braced herself for the others’ reaction. “Discord.”
Luna, Cadance, and Twilight gasped. Luna narrowed her eyes. “Sister, may I speak with you… alone?”
“Not this time, Luna.”
Light Fantastic was awakened by a subtle movement in her bed. She turned to see Radish sleeping next to her, fidgeting quietly. Radish didn’t snore, but he did have a habit of talking in his sleep. He usually only ever said one thing. Light leaned her ear toward him to hear it this time.
“Mmm… Celestia…”
Light smiled.
Go ahead and enjoy her, she thought. You deserve a little treat.
“...hmm? Oh, hello, Princess Luna…”
Light frowned. I said a treat, not a buffet.
“...a centaur?”
Okay, this is getting ridiculous.
Radish woke up. He blinked his eyes a few times, then noticed Light staring at him. “Oh, hey Light. Uh, was I talking in my sleep?”
“Uh huh.”
“I have to go. Luna wants me.”
“Yeah, I’ll bet.”
“For a mission .”
“Involving a centaur?”
“Uh, that’s classified.”
“Are there no other guards who can handle whatever this is?”
“There’s no other guards like me, Fan.”
“Well, I can’t argue with that.”
Radish hadn’t been in the palace’s throne room since the Halcyon affair. He had never received orders straight from both princesses on their thrones before. He stood tall before them and saluted, concerned with what they were about to tell him.
“Major Root,” started Celestia, “you are aware of the current situation?”
“Princess Luna has informed me that an old enemy of Equestria is on the loose, ma’am. I’m prepared to do whatever you need me to stop him.”
“The job of tracking down Tirek has been assigned to a… specialist,” Celestia said. Luna rolled her eyes at the term.
“You, however, have also been given an important task, worthy of your talents,” said Luna.
“Yes, ma’am. What are my orders?”
“We want you to go to Tartarus,” Celestia stated plainly.
“What did I… Oh, wait. Do you mean to investigate?”
“Yes,” said Celestia. “When Twilight returned Cerberus to his position at the gates, she reported that none of the evil creatures imprisoned in Tartarus had escaped.”
“Did she confirm that visually?”
“No, she was told this by the Superintendent,” said Luna.
“There’s a superintendent there?”
“Indeed,” Luna said. “While Cerberus guards the gates, the Superintendent patrols the many caverns of Tartarus, checking on the prisoners and sending routine status updates to all the kingdoms. But he never reported Tirek’s escape.”
“You think he’s corrupt?” Radish asked. “That he covered up Tirek’s escape?”
“That is for you to determine,” Luna said.
“Radish, you seem to have a knack for finding security holes in a facility’s design,” Celestia said. “We want you to go there and determine the means of Tirek’s escape. Find out if there is a weakness in Tartarus’s walls… or its personnel.”
Radish saluted. “I will, princesses. I am honored you put your trust in me.”
“And, major? Please, be careful,” said Luna. “Where you are going, there could be any number of unknown dangers.”
“I will be, ma’am. Thank you.”
Radish left the throne room. Celestia eyed Luna suspiciously.
“What?” asked Luna.
“Nothing,” answered Celestia.
Radish found the palace quartermaster, Chandler, in the palace airship yard, making some last-minute adjustments to the landing gear of a small red dirigible.
“Just about done here, major.”
“Hi, Chuck. I was told to come see you.”
“Yep. I hear you’re heading to Tartarus. There’s no train there, and all pegasi guards are needed on duty to protect Canterlot. So the big horns have assigned you an airship.”
“Oh, cool. Who’s my pilot?”
“All our pilots are busy ferrying VIPs to safe zones. This baby will be preset with Tartarus as its destination, and fly you there on autopilot.”
“Autopilot? That means there’s no one to correct the course if something goes wrong.”
“Nothing’s going to go wrong. But if something goes wrong, pull the emergency descension lever. The craft will land you safely and automatically release a homing pigeon with a distress message.”
“Okay.”
“Oh yeah, Princess Luna said to give you this. She made it clear you are only to open it upon arrival.”
He passed Radish a small silver attache case. Radish turned it over in his hooves. It had Luna’s seal embossed on its lid.
“Hmm. Interesting.”
Radish approached the airship. The envelope was sleek and aerodynamic, and the gondola was an enclosed aluminum capsule about the size of a large cart. It had the flag of Equestria painted on both sides.
“Does she have a name?”
“It’s not a she , it’s an it . And it’s registered as ‘Sky Skiff 3’.”
“I’m going to call her ‘Tiffany’.”
“Whatever.”
Chandler finished his work and stepped back, wiping his brow.
“All right, you’re all set. It’s a long ride to Tartarus, so I hope you brought a book.”
“I’m going to spend the ride reading Tiffany’s manual.”
“Thrilling. Don’t tell me how it ends. Just pull the yellow lever when you’re ready to go. Airspace should be clear from here to Tartarus. The weather might not be.”
Radish entered the ship’s compartment and closed the hatch behind him. The cabin interior was oak trimmed in mother of pearl. There were seats for one pilot and four passengers. He looked upon the pilot controls, then checked the small cubbyhole where the emergency messenger pigeon was roosting.
Royal messenger pigeons were professional to a fault- they didn’t go by names, but numbers. This one had “55” painted on its breast. Radish nodded to it. It nodded to him.
Radish secured his belongings, buckled himself into the pilot seat, and pulled the only yellow lever. Mechanical noises cranked and gurgled from above, before, and below Radish. The craft took off.
Radish was halfway through the ship’s manual when a beeping noise rang out from the instrument panel. He looked at the gauges, and saw that he had arrived at his preprogrammed destination. The airship slowed to a stop, then descended. It landed softly on a vast barren plain. The world outside the windscreen was foggy, though Radish could make out the base of a tall, craggy mountain.
He opened the cabin door and stepped outside, adjusting his armor. The gates to Tartarus weren’t in view- he’d have to do some scouting to find them. He wondered if there would be signs pointing the way.
Radish returned to the ship and pulled out the attache case from Princess Luna. He undid its clasps and opened it. The first thing he saw was a letter written by Luna.
My Dear Champion,
Please forgive the deception. Celestia doubts your ability to face the worst of the world’s monsters, but I harbor no such reservations. I have taken it upon myself to surreptitiously alter your destination. You have not been sent to Tartarus, the one place in the world we know Tirek is not. I have instead sent you to the place I am certain he will be found. Welcome to Midnight Castle.
Radish looked back up at the mountain in front of him. The fog blew clear of the peak, revealing a massive, ancient fortress dominating the entire mountaintop.
“Oh, son of a-”
The Only Mark That Matters
100. The Monsters, Part 2
Radish leaned back in one of the passenger seats of the airship to read the rest of the letter.
Castle Midnight is older than Equestria. Its original builders and occupants are unknown. It was ancient and long-abandoned when the pegasus tribe first came across it while fleeing the Wendigos' eternal winter. Commander Hurricane would have made it the new stronghold for pegasuskind , but the pegasi were forced to abandon it when the blizzard caught up with them.
Tirek and Scorpan used it as their base of operations when they first came to conquer Equestria. Here, Tirek plotted evil schemes while Scorpan made spying expeditions into the countryside.
It was during these expeditions that Scorpan befriended ponykind. He led Celestia, Starswirl, and I to Castle Midnight, where we confronted Tirek, eventually defeating him. We sealed the castle for all time, never intending to see it again.
I have no doubt Tirek will return to his old stomping grounds. Your orders are as follows:
Scout the castle. If Tirek is already there, send your messenger pigeon back to Canterlot. Reinforcements will be dispatched. Check the central tower keep. It should still be sealed. If it is not sealed, send your messenger pigeon back to Canterlot. Reinforcements will be dispatched. If the situation calls for it, you are authorized to confront Tirek and take him alive or dead.
Radish felt the hilt of his sword. He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly.
Your princess, Luna
Radish dug through the rest of the case. There was another smaller note detailing its contents.
I return to you the Ferrum Flats knife you left inside the Volcanic Ash on Never Atoll. It should be sufficiently empowered now to slay Tirek.
Radish held up the knife, checked the blade, then strapped the scabbard to his boot.
I have also included a gift from our Head Potionista. A healing potion, in the off chance you are wounded.
Radish examined it. It was a dark red potion in a heavy, ornate bottle. The front label had a picture of Potion Nova, smiling and winking, and the back label had directions for its use. He put it in his armor’s pocket.
And lastly, this will improve your barding.
Radish picked up a small, blue medallion in the shape of a crescent moon. Suddenly it leapt from his hoof onto the star in the center of his armor’s chestplate, sticking to it like a magnet. His entire suit of armor turned from bright gold to matte black.
"Ooh, nighttime camouflage,” Radish said to himself. “This is cool. I wonder if it does anything else." He referred back to the note.
It does nothing else.
“Oh."
Stay safe, my Champion. I will see you back in Canterlot.
Radish swiveled his chair around to look at the messenger pigeon.
“I’m guessing Luna let you in on this mission while she was changing my destination?”
Pigeon 55 gave a single nod.
“You could have warned me.”
It made a dismissive click of its beak.
“Okay, fine. Come with me. If we run across Tirek, don't wait for my signal. Fly straight to Canterlot and report.”
It gave a coo in acknowledgment. Radish opened the pigeonhole and let Pigeon 55 rest on his back.
Radish walked out to the foot of the mountain. There was evidence of a long stone staircase leading up to the castle, but all the steps had either been torn out, demolished, or upended, leaving a perilous path of jagged and unstable stones.
Commander Hurricane’s pegasi must have done this, so that non-flyers couldn’t use the stairs.
He focused his binoculars on the fortress’s front door. It was closed. It had a portcullis, which was down.
I guess I can’t just go up there and knock. And ancient castles don’t have air vents to sneak through. Am I going to have to scale the wall? Luna, how did you think I would get inside?
He looked back at his skiff. He had learned a lot about its operation from its manual, but he had no delusions that he could take off and precisely land an airship with no training.
Okay, Celestia said I’m good at finding weaknesses in buildings. What weakness could this thing have?
Radish recalled a famous story about a supposedly impenetrable fortress being infiltrated through its latrines. Radish banished the notion from his mind.
He trekked around the base of the mountain. He put his scopes on a corner of the building that looked different. It seemed that time and erosion had provided an answer for Radish- part of the mountain had crumbled away, taking a section of the outer wall with it. He began his ascent up the mountain.
What is this, the third mountain I’ve climbed since joining the Guard? Fourth?
He reached the wall and crawled over the rubble. He found himself in a small, dark room with numerous bulky seats. He affixed his flashlight to his armor and clicked it on.
He was in the latrine.
He exited out the door into a hall. It was dark. He reached a door. The hall beyond it was dark, as well. He drew a map as he went, eventually finding himself in a posh sitting room.
Okay, I’m getting deeper inside. So pretty soon I should hit…
He pushed open a door and came out of a side entrance to the castle’s great courtyard. The grass on the ground was dry and brown. The skies above were dim and cloudy. A tall imposing tower, free-standing in the center of the courtyard, loomed over Radish. Its windows were shut, and it had numerous metal rods sticking out of its roof. He approached it cautiously.
Luna wanted me to make sure this is sealed.
Radish gripped the large iron ring on the door and pulled. The door opened.
Not sealed.
Radish heard shuffling steps inside the tower. He fully opened the door, casting the outside’s dim light inside. The room was full of crates, workbenches, and shelves full of bins and boxes.
A large cloaked figure stalked out from among it all. Glowing yellow eyes peered out of the cloak’s hood. They seemed disappointed.
“An earth pony?” it said in a strained and raspy voice. “I expected the princesses.”
Radish drew his sword and pointed it at the figure. “You’re not getting anywhere near the princesses, Tirek.”
Pigeon 55 popped its head up from behind Radish’s to see. It cooed , and with a whirr of its wings, it flew away into the gray sky.
“See that? That’s the kingdom being alerted that you’re here," Radish said. "The game’s up. Surrender quietly, and you won’t be harmed.”
The figure walked forward and pulled off its cloak, revealing a furry brown bipedal creature with wings and a long, toothy snout.
“You signaled prematurely, earth pony. I am not Tirek. I am Prince Scorpan. Long ago I worked with your princesses to bring my brother Tirek to justice.”
Radish narrowed his eyes. “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”
He stepped closer to Radish. He held up something that was hanging around his neck- a gold triangular pendant.
“Behold. My family’s royal crest, signifying that I am the heir to the throne of Sacanas.”
Radish scoffed. “You could have got that out of a cereal box, for all I know.”
“You are right to be cautious.” He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Well then, I will demonstrate intimate knowledge of Princess Celestia.”
“Huh?”
“Her favorite perfume smells like petitgrain. When she laughs, she draws her right front hoof close to her chest. And she has a mole on the inside of her-”
“Okay! Okay. Sounds like you know her. Why are you here?”
“I had a vision of Tirek’s escape from Tartarus. I’ve come to confront him when he returns here.”
“Luna thought he’d come here, too. Why is everyone so convinced that Tirek will come back to the same place he was beaten the last time?”
“He must come here. this is the only place where he can obtain the Rainbow of Darkness.”
“...the what?”
“Come. I will show you.”
Scorpan led Radish up a flight of stairs. The second story of the tower was staggeringly tall, reaching to the roof of the keep itself. The walls were lined all the way to the top with burnished metal plates, and two thick rods of the same metal reached from the floor to the ceiling, which was made of large hinged shutters.
“Okay, what is all this?”
Scorpan waved vaguely upwards.
“The starlight from the constellation Scorpio hits the north wind at an unusual angle in this region, producing a dark aurora in the sky. When the pegasus tribe occupied this castle, they built a means to concentrate that aurora and forge it into a weapon. They called it the ‘Rainbow of Darkness’.”
“What does it do?”
“Warps the flesh and dominates the will, turning any creature into a dangerous, but loyal, beast.”
“I’ve never heard of a weapon like that.”
“Apparently the pegasi lost their nerve and never used it. But Tirek found this place, and he had no such reservations.”
“I thought the two of you came to steal everypony’s magic.”
“Steal a pony’s magic, and that pony is left feeble, unsuitable for even the most menial tasks. But with the Rainbow of Darkness, Tirek could convert his victims into an unstoppable army.”
“Luna didn’t mention that part.”
“A princess needn't tell her subordinates everything, earth pony.”
“Root. I’m Major Root. And I'm not her subordinate, I'm her Champion.”
“Then come, Major Root. Let us go back downstairs and prepare an ambush for Tirek’s arrival.”
“If we know he’s coming, won’t he know we know he’s coming?”
A red beam of burning light erupted from the floor and cut a circle around Radish and Scorpan. The floor they were standing on fell to pieces, and they tumbled down with it.
“The earth pony was right, brother. I did indeed know you knew I was coming,” said a voice much more strained and raspy than Scorpan’s.
Radish looked up and saw a black-and-red quadrupedal creature sneering down at him. Radish had only heard descriptions of centaurs before, and he had assumed they would be elegant in appearance- not the gnarled, hunched-over monster standing before him.
“Tirek,” said Scorpan, standing up, “stop this madness.”
“What is more mad than siding with ponies against your own brother?” Tirek growled indignantly.
“You might as well give up,” said Radish. “Reinforcements are already on their way.”
Tirek tossed a small, soft lump to the floor in front of Radish. Radish looked at it and gasped in horror. It was Pigeon 55. Its feathers were singed and its legs were twitching.
Radish reached for his spear. Tirek blasted a searing beam of fire from his horns.
The Only Mark That Matters
101. The Monsters, Part 3
Scorpan raised a hand with fingers spread. A glassy shimmering disc appeared in the air before him. Tirek’s beam deflected off its front, hitting the ceiling, and Radish’s spear bounced off its back, clattering to the floor. Tirek growled. Radish looked at Scorpan in annoyance.
“Brother!” called Scorpan. “Please, listen to me.”
Tirek raised both his hands. A red aura enveloped Radish and Scorpan, and they tumbled end-over-end into the air, dangling from nothing.
Radish felt the aura compress his limbs into his body, rendering him unable to reach for his sword or his knife. He thrashed. His body tilted toward Tirek. Tirek stood tall and opened his jaw. A jagged orange glow erupted from Radish’s body and flowed into Tirek’s mouth.
Every muscle in Radish’s body felt like it was being ripped from his bones. Every bone in his body felt like it was being turned inside-out. Tirek let Radish drop hard to the floor.
Radish had gone through the Never Atoll mission on zero sleep, and he had pushed his stamina to its limit in his match against Celestia. He now felt like he had just experienced both again at the same time. His mind and body were so exhausted that his vision dimmed around the edges, and even breathing was a chore. His armor was now too heavy to stand up in.
Tirek stood over him, looking larger and less withered than before. Then, he grimaced and clutched his body where Radish surmised his stomach was. He coughed violently and wiped his mouth with the back of his fist.
“Tummy ache?” Radish asked mockingly.
He gripped Radish’s throat and lifted him up to his face. “You made an unpalatable meal, royal guard. An earth ponies’ magic is so tightly bound up in its physique, that it takes effort to absorb.”
“Good,” croaked Radish. “I hope you choke on it.”
“But a unicorn’s horn is practically a drinking straw to their magic. I will start my conquest of Equestria with the unicorns, then take the pegasi, and then I will come for the rest of you earth ponies. And after that… the alicorns. All three alicorns.”
Radish couldn't hide the confusion on his face.
“That’s right, royal guard. I am well aware that there is now a third princess, Cadenza. I will have her magic, as well.”
Radish kept silent. Tirek dropped him, then stomped over to Scorpan, who was still suspended mid-air.
“You cannot take my magic, brother,” Scorpan said defiantly.
“I have no use for the magic of a fool .” Tirek waved a hand, and Radish’s spear leapt off the floor into his grip. “Or for a brother who would turn traitor.”
Radish heard a wet squelch . Scorpan dropped in front of him with the spear sticking out of his gut. Radish couldn't take a deep enough breath to scream.
Tirek reached down and ripped the triangular pendant from Scorpan’s neck. “But I will take this- the honor you never deserved. Farewell, brother.”
Tirek leapt through the hole in the ceiling to the above level. His hands glowed again, and he gripped the two metal rods running the height of the tower. Radish heard clicks and groans from ancient and unseen mechanical devices. The shutters in the roof of the tower opened.
Radish summoned enough strength into his hooves to unbuckle his armor. He slipped out of it, then pulled the healing potion from its pocket. He crawled over to Scorpan, pulled the stopper out with his teeth, and poured it into the prince’s mouth.
A soft purple glow emanated from his wound and pushed the spear out. The injury slowly knit itself closed. Radish tensed- the bottle was half-empty now, but there seemed to be a lot more wound remaining than potion to heal it. Scorpan clutched Radish’s hoof and pushed it away.
“Wait. The bird,” he whispered.
Radish looked at Pigeon 55. It seemed to be barely breathing. He shook his head.
“I… can’t. You’re the priority.”
“Save it, damn you, or I will not help you against Tirek.”
Radish crawled over to 55, and helped it drink the remaining potion. The purple light glowed from multiple wounds across its body. He glanced up at Tirek.
The space between the two metal rods was growing dark. The darkness organized itself into wild flowing ribbons, which further coalesced into an arc shape suspended between the poles.
The Rainbow of Darkness , thought Radish. There’s no other name for it.
Tirek then thrust his head into the darkness. The ends of the rainbow lept from the poles to his own horns. He roared in triumph- the Rainbow of Darkness was his. He glanced down through the hole in the floor, and saw that Scorpan, Radish, and the pigeon were gone. He jumped down to the first floor. The door to the outside was wide open. He stepped to the threshold.
“Fleeing? If it’s a chase you want, so be it. I am in the mood for a hunt.”
He took off, searching the courtyard for signs of his quarry. Back inside the tower, Radish, Scorpan, and 55 crouched behind a wall of crates.
“Okay, he’s gone,” said Radish. He looked at 55. “Can you fly?”
It looked at its wings, then nodded.
“All right. Use the inside of this tower to get altitude, make sure he’s indoors, then glide away silently.”
Pigeon 55 saluted, then flew upstairs.
“It will take hours for the bird to reach Canterlot. And hours more for help to arrive,” Scorpan said. “We have to stall Tirek here.”
“No, we have to stop Tirek here.”
“We cannot fight him. You are robbed of your strength, and I am half-healed from a fatal injury,” said Scorpan.
“Yeah, and whose fault is that? Your shield blocked my spear.”
“I will not let you kill him.”
“He clearly doesn't feel the same way about you.”
“Would you kill your brother, even if he attacked you?”
Radish looked down at his knife. He sighed. “No. I didn’t. So where does that leave us?”
Scorpan looked around the room. He glanced down at Radish’s flank. “Major, why do you still have your cutie mark?”
Radish looked at his dyed mark. Without touch-ups, the radish had been fading, but was still recognizable. “What do you mean?”
“In the past, when Tirek took a pony’s magic, their cutie mark vanished. Why has yours remained? Do you have some hidden reservoir of power?”
Radish looked at his knife again. “You know what? I think I do.”
Radish held the Ferrum Flats knife in front of his face. He bit down on the blade. A jolt ran down his spine. He felt a little more clear-headed, and a little more stronger. He stood up and stretched out his back. He took the blade out of his mouth, and felt dizzy and weak again.
“Hmm. I guess I have to maintain contact.”
“What is that?” asked Scorpan.
“This knife was empowered by the earth. I’m an earth pony. I can access that power… so long as I keep it in my mouth.”
“An artifact-to-organic energy transference such as that will have a deleterious effect on your digestive system.”
“That’s what my girlfriend says about jalapeño chews. I’ll be fine.”
“But what could you do, even with more strength?”
“I’ve noticed that some parts of this castle have collapsed over time-”
“Indeed. Without occupants, there has been no one to compensate for the differential cracking caused by the chilling winds of this altitude combined with the heating sunlight of this longitude.”
“...right. How would you feel if we collapsed some more of the castle, to trap Tirek inside?”
“Hmm. Yes. That would keep him contained until your armies arrive. But we will still need to strip him of the Rainbow of Darkness, lest he use it against the reinforcements.”
“I could stab it with this,” Radish offered, holding up his knife.
“Earth magic wouldn’t work against a rainbow. We would need to disrupt its structure with chromatic filtering magic.”
“Oh, I’ve got something like that.”
Radish scooted over to his armor and pulled the moon crest from the breastplate. His armor changed back from black to gold.
“Fascinating,” said Scorpan, taking it, “pony magic is truly wondrous these days.”
He clasped the crest between his hands, and muttered a spell. The crest glowed purple, then turned off-white.
“This should be able to compromise the Rainbow of Darkness now. Come. You will draw Tirek to the wine cellar. I will lie in wait. I will use this on the rainbow, and fly out of the room just as you collapse the exit.”
“There’s a wine cellar?”
“Indeed. But nothing suitable for consumption remains.”
“Darn.”
Tirek stalked through the dark halls of Midnight Castle, sniffing the air. He paused- there were definite sounds of hoofsteps, coming from the level below him. He crept down a flight of spiral stairs, into a large vaulted basement. A light at the far side of the room extinguished itself just as he entered.
Tirek raised a hand, and every light source in the room- candelabras, wall-mounted lanterns, and chandeliers- lit up bright. He saw Radish, standing sideways on top of a rack of wine barrels. He frowned.
“How can you still have your mark?” he demanded.
Radish looked at his flank. “You must have lost your touch.”
Tirek roared and fired the Rainbow of Darkness from his horns. Radish fell back behind the barrels, slipping his knife between his teeth and scampering away as fast as his weakened state could take him.
Tirek blasted the barrels apart with a fiery beam, raining splinters and dried wine dregs around the room. He did the same for the next row of barrels, then the next.
“If I am so unthreatening, then why do you hide, earth pony!?”
“The name is Root. But that’s ‘Major’ to you.”
Tirek turned and saw Radish back at the entrance to the room, clutching his dagger.
“No, earth pony. Your only title from now will be ‘stratadon’.”
“What the heck is a stratadon?”
The Rainbow of Darkness flared up between Tirek’s horns. Scorpan leapt from a chandelier and onto Tirek’s back, holding the moon crest in his hand. Tirek reared up and threw him off. Scorpan slammed into the floor.
“Brother!” he called. “Think of mother! Of father!”
Tirek tilted his head toward Scorpan. The Rainbow of Darkness lashed out from his horns and entangled Scorpan, burying him in blackness.
The rainbow receded, but not from Scorpan. A green dragon-like beast stood where he had been. It bowed before Tirek, who petted its head smugly.
“Finally, Scorpan, you’ve made yourself useful.”
Oh, thought Radish, that’s a stratadon.
Radish backed slowly up the spiral staircase. Tirek pointed to Radish.
“Seize him.”
The Only Mark That Matters
102. The Monsters, Part 4
Radish scrabbled up the spiral staircase. He heard the Scorpan-turned-stratadon scrabbling after him, its claws and wings scraping the stones of the narrow passageway. At the top of the stairs, he stopped and jammed his knife into the central column of the staircase. All the remaining earth power stored within it blasted the stone like months of constant erosion compressed into a second. The staircase collapsed from top to bottom.
Radish sat back and caught his breath, listening for signs of life under the rubble. He heard what he assumed was a roar of impotent rage down below. He moved on, his movement restricted to a shuffling limp. He found a luxurious drawing room and collapsed on a chaise in the dark.
Okay. I got a message back to Canterlot, and I stopped Tirek, dead or alive. Alive, apparently. I technically fulfilled my orders. Congrats on a successful mission, Root.
He felt himself drifting off, then shook himself alert.
Can’t sleep. I’ve got to be awake when the reinforcements arrive. They need to know what they’re dealing with.
He heard a dull thud from far away, then another. Fixtures in the room shook a little, then they shook a lot. Radish heard bricks and timbers shattering. Tirek was trying to blast his way out of the cellar.
Radish looked out the nearest window. With one final blast, Tirek came exploding out of the mountainside, riding the Scorpan-turned-stratadon on its back. They took to the sky, then turned back towards the castle. Radish braced himself.
“Earth pony! If you would force me to damage my castle, then you may keep it! A much finer one awaits its new master in Canterlot!”
Tirek fired off several red beams at Midnight Castle’s foundations. Radish held his ears as rooms around him came crashing in on themselves. The exterior wall of the drawing room gave out and the floor buckled. All the room’s contents tumbled out of the castle in an avalanche of loose soil and free-flowing debris. The chaise Radish was resting on got dragged along with the wave. Radish clutched its armrests with what little strength he had as it sledded down the mountainside. It hit a rock, cracking in half, and then Radish’s half hit another rock and tumbled end-over-end before coming to a rest at the foot of the mountain.
Radish opened his eyes when all the noise was over. The castle had several gaping holes, the mountainside was a mess, and a layer of dust coated him and everything around him. He caught a glimpse of Tirek flying off into the sky.
Can’t let him get away.
Radish limped over to where he had parked Tiffany. She was there, intact. He wiped the dust from her windscreen and approached the port hatch.
He noticed something on the ground in front of the hatch- his moon crest. He picked it up and brushed it on his chest fur.
How did this get here? Could Scorpan have dropped it here for me? Is he still inside that thing?
Radish entered the cabin and sat at the controls.The automatic pilot was set for Canterlot- the place Tirek said he’d be going. Radish pulled the lever to activate it. Tiffany sprang to life, then lifted off. She turned around and sped towards her home.
Radish scanned the skies for signs of Tirek. After a few minutes, he caught a glimpse of a speck in the distance. He needed to change the heading to intercept it.
Okay, I’ve read at least this far into the manual.
He took the steering yoke in his hooves and altered course. Tiffany lurched far more responsively than he was expecting. Radish pointed the ship at Tirek and pulled the throttle. Tiffany picked up her pace.
Tirek looked over his shoulder. He sneered at Radish, then forced his mount to dive out of Radish’s sight.
Radish heard a clunk and felt the airship shake. A curtain of black fog enveloped the ship. Tirek had used the Rainbow of Darkness, but it couldn’t penetrate the airtight cabin.
He looked out the porthole in the port side door. Tirek was flying aside the airship. Radish twisted the control yoke, and Tiffany slammed into him.
Tirek gripped the hatch and blasted its lock, then flung it open. Tirek reached inside the cabin, the doorway not big enough to accommodate his size. He roared as he clawed for Radish. Radish turned Tiffany hard to starboard, dragging Tirek off his mount. He snarled and flared up the Rainbow of Darkness between his horns.
Radish unbuckled his seatbelt, fell towards Tirek, and jabbed his moon crest into the rainbow. The Rainbow of Darkness latched onto the crest, swirling around it and burying it like it did with Scorpan.
Multicolored strips of the rainbow burst away from its main body- the Rainbow of Darkness’s wavelengths had been compromised by the color-changing magic of the crest, and it was tearing itself to shreds. It exploded into a prismatic burst of colors Radish couldn’t name. Tirek howled in pain.
A warning klaxon blared. Gauges on the console went wild. Tiffany listed to one side, and then her nose dipped. Her gas envelope had been ruptured, and she was going down.
A red fireball coalesced between Tirek’s horns. He aimed to blast Radish at point blank.
Something large and brown slammed into Tirek from the side. He lost his grip and plummeted out of sight. Scorpan, restored to his natural form, stood at the doorway, holding out a hand to Radish. Radish took it, and they abandoned ship.
Scorpan clutched Radish as they glided over a vast forest. Tiffany crashed into a cliffside, and Scorpan landed roughly on the top of the cliff. Radish flopped on the dirt. Scorpan fell onto his back, gripping his gut.
“Hey,” said Radish, “thanks.”
“You are welcome, major. I must thank you, as well. The Rainbow of Darkness is no more.”
“I’m sorry about your brother.”
Scorpan gazed out at the forest. “I doubt he is dead, even after that. He may not even remain lost in this forest for very long. But if one little pony could cause him so much aggravation, then perhaps he will reconsider his dreams of conquering the rest.”
He winced in pain. “However, this is as far as I can take you. My injuries are aggravated, as well.”
“Just hang on. Help will arrive. The captain will get the message, and she’ll dispatch the Wonderbolts. They’ll find the crash site, and us with it.”
“That will take hours.”
“Maybe the wind will be in their favor.”
Scorpan made a noise akin to a laugh. “Ponies are eternally optimistic.”
“I guess that’s Twilight rubbing off on me,” chuckled Radish, laying back down on the ground.
“Who is Twilight?”
“A princess. You’ll meet her.”
“Perhaps… not…” Scorpan said, softly and slowly.
“You’ll meet her, and everypony else. Don’t you want to see Celestia again?”
Radish looked over to Scorpan. He was unconscious, and his breathing was shallow. Radish tried to stand up, but couldn’t make it off the ground before passing out.
Captain Barrel Roller burst into the Canterlot throne room. She landed before the princesses and saluted.
“You highnesses! A messenger pigeon just arrived! We have a lead on Tirek!”
“I’m afraid we also have a lead on Tirek, captain,” said Princess Celestia, holding up several scrolls. “And it’s bad news.”
“How ba… Discord?”
“Yes,” said Luna, angrily. “Discord. ”
“What are our orders?”
“Prepare for the fight of your life, captain,” said Celestia, pointing to the public announcement microphone built into her throne’s armrest.
“For all our lives,” added Luna.
Barrel Roller nodded. She approached the thrones, then took the microphone in her hoof.
“Attention all guards. Threat Level Red. Prepare for imminent attack.”
The Only Mark That Matters
103. The Monsters, Part 5
Captain Barrel Roller stood on the balcony of the palace’s main tower. She looked determinedly at the masses of guards in formation below.
“Guards, we have a crisis on our hooves. Discord has betrayed Equestria and joined Tirek.”
The assembled guards muttered. Spats leaned over to Bunker Buster next to him and whispered, “Don’t worry. The princesses have a plan. And it will involve AG1 saving the day.”
“Some of you are probably thinking that the princesses have a plan, and it will involve AG1 saving the day,” said Barrel Roller. “Put that out of your mind, then toss it in a trash bin. You are the last line of defense for your princesses. If the day is going to be saved, it will be through you.
"Each of you is in the Guard because you belong in the Guard. Because I or another officer knew you could live up to the oath you took. That oath was that you would defend Equestria, its leaders, and its peoples from its enemies. Its enemies are almost at the gate.”
Bunker Buster whispered to Spats, “This is all a ploy. She’s using us as a smokescreen to cover whatever Twilight and her friends are doing. We’re the distraction. The fodder.”
Spats shook his head. “I can’t be a fodder, I’m not even married.”
"Prince Armor,” said Barrel Roller, “they're ready."
Shining Armor stepped up from behind her wearing his old purple captain’s armor. He thrust his horn at the sky, and a beam shot out and exploded, forming a bright pink bubble around the palace.
He's only shielding the palace, thought Spats. The rest of the city is on its own.
Barrel Roller took a hovering position and called out division assignments. Spats was assigned to patrol a parapet in the southwest corner of the palace.
He scanned the horizon, first with his eyes, then with his spyglass. Though it was difficult to see through Shining Armor's shield bubble, Ponyville looked normal.
Alrighty. No sign of our monsters so far. Maybe they've already turned on each other. Maybe they've already killed each other.
A huge shadow was cast over the palace. All looked skyward. Discord was outside the shield, looming larger than the mountain and grinning gleefully. He pulled an enormous decorative hatpin from behind his body, and pricked Shining Armor’s shield. It popped like a balloon. The sound was deafening.
Spats held his ears in pain. I hate that jerk.
He looked up and saw that Discord was gone from the sky. A horn blew. Spats knew that signal- all guards were to rush to defend the throne room. Spats ran at full gallop across the palace's walls.
Spats reached the main tower and cut through its vast laundry facilities in its rear. The launderers were huddling in a corner. He gave them a reassuring wink as he passed them.
He made it to the floor below the throne room, and heard clanging outside the window. He looked out and gasped at what he saw.
A massive creature- Tirek, he presumed- was standing on the skybridge to the throne room. Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade were engaging him in combat.
The captain and the commander in full battle mode!
Barrel Roller whirled tight circles around the beast, pelting him with lightning, rainbows, and cyclones. Tirek roared and swatted uselessly at her. Saguaro Shade hacked away at his lower body with his sword, dodging and weaving the creature's four kicking legs. Each time Tirek tried to focus on devouring one of his opponents' power, a blow from the other would cause him to cry out and stymie his attempt. Spats watched in awe.
Then, Discord appeared in the air above Tirek with a flash. He grinningly stretched out his arms, and grabbed Barrel Roller and Saguaro Shade by the scruffs of their necks. He dangled the two officers in front of Tirek, who wickedly smiled and opened his maw, gobbling up the strength of the guard leadership. He tossed them over his shoulder like spent soda cans.
They were caught by two pegasi guards. They and the rest of the full force of the Royal Guard were swarming the skybridge now. Spats needed to join them.
"Spats!" called a mare's voice. It was Shoofly, hovering outside the window.
Spats nodded. He leapt out the window, and Shoofly grabbed him, joining a dozen other pegasi carrying earth and unicorn guards into the air.
“How do you wanna play this?” asked Shoofly.
“Aim me down the middle. This is for the brute,” said Spats, whipping out his spear. “And this is for the dirty traitor,” he said, lighting up his horn.
She released Spats. He flew straight as an arrow at the monsters. His horn crackled with lightning and he aimed his spear.
Tirek raised his hands and froze all the guards in mid-air. Spats struggled. Tirek opened his mouth and sucked down the strength of Spats and the other guards. Tirek dropped his hands.
Spats and the rest of the guards fell.
He felt a tingling all over. He saw his body enveloped by a blue aura, and looked to see a group of unicorn guards catching and safely lowering other guards who had been sapped.
Discord appeared behind the unicorn guards, rolled them into a ball in an oversized baseball glove, and threw them to Tirek. Tirek devoured their magic.
Spats fell again.
Water rushed into his mouth, nostrils, and ears. He had fallen into the stream running through palace grounds.
He tried to sit up, but could not. His armor was too heavy for his muscles now. He tried to work off his saddle plate, but found the buckles slick with mud.
Drowned in a foot of water by my own armor. It’s undignified, is what it is.
Another guard fell next to him. It was Shoofly. She had also been robbed of her strength, and she had hit the water with less breath in her lungs than he did.
Spats crawled over to Shoofly and undid the strap on her armor. It slipped off her, and she breached the surface, taking in two lungfuls of air. Then, she took two more, held them, and plunged back down into the water.
She put her lips around Spats's mouth and breathed air into him. His burning lungs devoured it. The two worked his armor off and crawled out of the stream, clinging to each other, and gasping in exhaustion. Around them, other guards were helping their colleagues out of the stream as well.
"Thanks," Shoofly croaked hoarsely.
"Back at you," Spats said. He squinted at her flank. “Whoa.”
"What?" she asked.
"Shoofly... you're a blank flank."
She looked at her side. Her cutie mark was gone.
"Spats... so are you."
He looked at his side. “Wow. Too bad Radish isn’t here. He would have loved this.” He looked up at the throne room entrance of the main tower. He couldn’t see Tirek, Discord, or any guards. “Come on, we’re still needed in the throne room.”
“We can’t even stand.”
“Then we’ll fight prone.”
She laughed. “That’s like something Radish would say.”
“I hope he’s okay.”
“I’m… sure… he’s… hnn…”
Shoofly had passed out. Spats held on for a few more seconds, then did the same.
“Well, sister, this is another fine mess you have gotten us into,” said Princess Luna, tugging on her chains. Even if she hadn’t given up her power, she doubted that she could break them.
Luna, Celestia, and Cadance now occupied a spot of honor in Tartarus, on a bare raised platform intended for highly dangerous prisoners.
“We all knew this would happen. It was the only way to keep our magic away from Tirek,” noted Cadance.
“Besides, this works out fine,” said Celestia. “Radish is here in Tartarus on an official inspection. He will find us, free us, and then we can all leave in the sky skiff.”
Luna winced. “Oooh. About that…”
Celestia scowled. “What? What have you done?”
“Radish is… not here.”
“And why not?”
“I may have… redirected him.”
“To where ?” Celestia demanded through her teeth.
“To Midnight Castle, to stop Tirek.”
“LUNA! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?”
“I was thinking of Tirek’s defeat, sister.”
“First you sent him to face Discord, now this! Why do you insist on pitting Radish against supermonsters!?”
“Why do you continuously underestimate his abilities!? Has he not proven himself? He defeated you, after all!”
“Tirek isn’t going to be fighting by Canterby Rules, Luna! You’ve sent Radish to his death!”
“You think I choose my Champion lightly!?”
“Oh, enough of this ‘Champion’ nonsense! We both know you just made that up as an excuse to spend more time with him!”
“HOW DARE YOU!”
“That’s enough bickering, you two!” scolded Cadance. “Tirek is on the loose, Equestria is in danger, we’re imprisoned in Tartarus, and yet all you can do is fight over Radish!”
“Oh, quit trying to turn this into some kind of three-bit melodrama, Cadance,” scoffed Celestia. “This is about Luna ordering my guards around behind my back.”
“That is precisely the problem! They’re all your guards!” said Luna. “Who does that leave me to command, the chambermaid?”
“Maybe you’d have more responsibility over the guards if you didn’t send them on solo missions to Midnight Castle!”
“At least when I send Radish on a mission, he doesn’t join with the enemy!”
The sisters glared at each other.
“Okay, that’s it!” announced Cadance. “If Radish is such a major source of contention between you, then I'll just have to remove him from the equation.”
“Meaning what, exactly?” Luna demanded.
“Shining Armor once suggested we offer Radish a position in the Crystal Empire. It’s clear to me now that it would be best for everyone if I went ahead and extended that offer.”
“He would never accept it, Cadance,” scoffed Celestia. “His girlfriend lives in Canterlot.”
“I know. I’ll just make her an offer she can’t refuse,” Cadance said, shrugging. “Artist Laureate of the entire Crystal Empire, perhaps.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” growled Luna.
“Try me, dear aunties,” Cadance said defiantly.
The princesses stared each other down. After a moment, Celestia looked aside.
“Perhaps Luna is right. Perhaps she deserves more authority when it comes to Guard orders.”
Luna rubbed the back of her head. “And perhaps I’ve held an overly-heroicized view of Major Root.”
“And there’s one other thing we can agree on,” said Celestia.
“What’s that?” asked Luna.
“Discord sucks.”
The two sisters hugged.
“Aunts… I think we have company,” warned Cadance.
A heavy, clanking series of footfalls approached from one of the side caves. A metallic creature in the shape of a tiger slinked into the room. Its skin was made of golden plates which shifted over each other as it moved. A red glow shone from its eyes and mouth. Celestia stood up to greet it.
“Superintendent,” called Celestia. “I am Princess Celestia of Equestria. My fellow princesses and I have been wrongfully imprisoned by the escaped prisoner Tirek.”
“The superintendent is a machine?” whispered Cadance to Luna.
“Not quite,” whispered Luna. “He is a magical-mechanical construct, assembled and animated by the Dell Dwellers, the beings who established Tartarus in an ancient age.”
The superintendent stared at the three princesses. “There is no ‘Tirek’ listed on the prisoner manifest.” it said in a windy, hollow voice.
“What are you talking about?” Celestia asked. “He was a prisoner here for a thousand years!”
“That is not possible. Tartarus was founded merely five years ago,” he said matter-of-factly. He turned and walked off.
“Well,” scoffed Luna. “I am starting to see the problem around here.”
“What’s wrong with him?” asked Cadance.
Celestia squinted at the superintendent. “Tirek must have sabotaged him.”
“Then, what do we do?”
“We can only hope that Twilight and her friends come through once again,” said Luna. “After all, they are well-experienced in saving the day.”
“And if they don’t, perhaps Major Root will,” Celestia offered. “He has a habit of overcoming long odds.”
Cadance smiled.
The Only Mark That Matters
104. The Monsters, Part 6
Radish lay in the dirt, drifting somewhere between consciousness and cognizance. He was jolted awake by a pastel rainbow searing the skies above him.
“Radish? Can ya hear me?” called a familiar, down-home voice from his left.
“Radish! OoOOOoooooo! Step into the liiight!” called a familiar, squeaky voice from his right.
He groaned and looked skyward. Applejack and Pinkie Pie stood above him. They looked different. Their manes and tails were massive, elaborate, and multicolored. Their hooves were covered in stamps of their cutie marks.
“What in the world?”
“Howdy, Radish!” cheered Applejack.
“Applejack? Pinkie Pie? What’s going on?”
“You died, Radish,” Pinkie Pie said solemnly. “We’re here to convey you to the Land of the Dead.”
“…what?”
Applejack smacked Pinkie Pie on the side of her head. “Pinkie Pie! Don’t joke about that kind of thing! Yer fine, Radish.”
“What’s happened to you two? How did you get here?”
“Remember Twilight’s big chest?” asked Applejack.
“Uh…”
“Well, we found all six keys, opened it, and these amazing rainbow powers popped out!” said Pinkie Pie. “And we’ve, like, ascended to a higher plane of existence to restore all the magic that Tirek stole from ponies all across Equestria!”
“He did what!?”
“Oh, guess you wouldn’t have heard about that,” said Applejack. “See, after Discord betrayed us all and joined Tirek-”
“HE DID WHAT!?”
“Don’t worry!” assured Pinkie Pie. “Tirek betrayed him right back, and he learned a valuable lesson about friendship.”
“That’s… ugh. Look, can you help my friend Scorpan? He’s hurt. Girls?”
Radish looked around. Applejack and Pinkie Pie were gone. So was Scorpan.
A warm light bathed Spats from above. He cracked open his eyes. The sky was ablaze with gentle colors, and two mare-like figures floated in the air above him. Oddly enough, he recognized them.
“Princess Twilight Sparkle? Miss Rarity?”
“Hello, friend!” cheered Twilight Sparkle. “Tirek has been defeated through the Magic of Friendship! We’re spreading the good news and returning all the magic he stole!”
“Oh, nice.”
“It was quite brave of you, defending your fellow ponies from Tirek, sir,” said Rarity. “May I ask your name?”
“I’m Spats.”
“Oh! Radish has mentioned a chum named Spats! Though he neglected to mention what a… striking stallion you are.”
Spats sat up and leaned towards her. “Miss Rarity?”
“Yes, dear?” asked Rarity, batting her eyelashes.
“What on earth did you do to your mane?”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s got yellow, magenta, and cyan stripes in it. It looks like a printshop accident.”
Rarity scowled. “Well! Of all the nerve! Twilight, I think we can leave this one on the ground.”
“We’re saving everypony, Rarity.”
“Hmph.”
Radish sat up and stretched out his legs. He felt strong and connected to the world under his hooves- his earth pony powers were back. He looked around.
“Scorpan?”
“Here, Major Root.”
Scorpan came lumbering out from behind some trees. “I left to search our environs for anything useful, and I witnessed… that event with the rainbow ponies. I felt like I should not intrude upon it. Were you expecting that?”
“No, but I’m not very surprised by it. It’s very in-character for those girls. How’s your wound?”
Scorpan looked down at his gut. “It is closed, but it will leave a very prominent scar.
“Hey, chicks dig scars.”
“Is a scar what caused that?” Scorpan asked, pointing to Radish’s flank. Radish looked.
The return of Radish’s magic had caused his cutie mark to reassert itself on his fur, and now it was mixed in with the remains of the painted radish mark. It looked like a red splotch with colored smears crossing through it.
“Nah, that’s just a bit of camouflage. Now, we need to find a way back to Canterlot."
Scorpan squinted into the sky. “Perhaps they bring our answer?”
A team of uniformed Wonderbolts landed next to Radish and Scorpan, towing an ambulance cart.
“Hey, champ. Need a lift?” asked their leader, lifting her goggles.
“Captain Spitfire?”
“We got your message. Sorry it took so long to find you. We were out of commission for hours. We found Midnight Castle in ruins. What the heck happened there?”
“Just a little skirmish.”
“Anyway, we were tracing the path back to Canterlot when Soarin’ here spotted your airship wreckage. Hop on in.”
“Thanks.”
Radish and Scorpan took a seat on the cart. Laminar opened his medical kit and examined them. Radish noticed a lumpy tarp in the cart.
“What’s this?”
Soarin’ pulled up the tarp. Radish’s armor and weapons were under it.
“This was all we could find of you in the castle. We were dreading telling Celestia that. I’m glad we found the rest of you.”
Radish picked up the Ferrum Flats knife and examined it. He smiled. “Me, too.”
“Root, come in. We’ve got some housekeeping to do,” Barrel Roller said.
Radish sat down in front of his captain’s desk.
“First of all, everything regarding Midnight Castle and the Rainbow of Darkness has been classified.”
“I understand. I think that’s for the best.”
“Pigeon 55 will be retiring with honors. As for you, you’ve earned another Iron Barding award, another Lunar Defender ribbon, plus a medal from Scorpan’s kingdom, as well. Congrats. The medal ceremony’s next week.”
“I’m honored.”
“Second, I understand you’ve named your successor for Station Chief at PEERS.”
“Yes, ma’am. Maple Bar will do an excellent job there.”
“That’s fine. Celestia wants to speak with you personally about your next assignment.”
“Aye, ma’am.”
“Now, as you’re probably aware, Princess Twilight Sparkle is taking charge of Discord’s punishment.”
“Which means he’s getting off scot-free. Again.”
“Yes. So this next part is off-the-record.” She leaned over her desk toward Radish. “Root, in the past, you’ve hinted that you had some way of… ‘dealing with’ Discord.”
“You said that the Royal Guard doesn’t plot to ‘deal with’ state allies.”
“I know what I said. Do you have something or not?”
“I do. I keep it close to my heart.”
Radish took the container of anti-chaos spores from around his neck and placed it on her desk.
“Radish, come in. We’ve got some housekeeping to do,” said Celestia.
Radish entered Celestia’s office and sat down in front of her desk.
“I’m glad to see you’re safe and sound, princess,” he said. “I heard about what happened to you, Luna, and Cadance.”
Celestia sighed. “Go ahead and say it, Radish. Everypony else has.”
“Say what, ma’am?”
“Oh, you know darn well what. You warned me about Discord. And he turned on us without barely a second thought. So, just get it over with and hit me with your best ‘I told you so ’.”
“Ma’am! You really think I’d be so petty as to rub a national crisis in your face?”
“Hmm. No, I suppose not.”
“I know that everything you do, you do for the good of Equestria. Being a leader means taking on bold ideas and making difficult decisions.”
“Yes, it does.”
“And sure, trusting Discord was a far higher-risk gamble than most ponies would even entertain…”
Celestia narrowed her eyes.
“...but I’m sure having to live through the consequences of that gamble failing in such a spectacular way is a far greater punishment than any comment I could make.”
Celestia sighed. “Thank you, Radish. You’re too kind. The next thing I have to tell you is that there will be a shakeup in the Guard hierarchy. Luna will now have her own contingent of guards under her own command, a unit that I will have no veto power over. She will no longer have to resort to ordering guards around my back.”
“That sounds cool. Uh, where do I fall in this hierarchy?”
“For standard duties, you’ll still report to your captain. But now this ‘Champion’ thing you have going on with her will carry official weight. You and the bat ponies will form a special team to handle her most important tasks as they arise.”
“Like an Action Group Two?”
“Luna wanted to call it the ‘Night Guard’.”
“Oh. That sounds like a dental apparatus.”
“Indeed. And lastly, we’ve just received news regarding the Wagoner trial.”
“Ma’am?”
“Worthy’s representation is willing to make a deal. He will change his plea to ‘no contest’ in exchange for carrying out his sentence in a facility of his choosing- the White Oak Remand Center in North Cartolina.”
“He’s just trying to get sent to some minimum-security country club prison staffed by ponies in his pocket.”
“Radish, White Oak is a medical prison.”
“What, is he sick?”
“He was among the unicorns that Tirek stole magic from. His doctors are claiming it exacerbated an old heart condition, and that a lengthy trial would put too much stress on his heart for him to bear.”
“They’re lying. He’s faking. It’s a ploy.”
“Perhaps. But his heart condition is real enough, and it’s a matter of public record that Tirek sapped his magic. Most of the claimants on our side- Chief Shortshadow, the Plains Rangers Admiralty- are willing to accept the plea. And I am, too.”
“Well,” sighed Radish, “I wasn’t really looking forward to testifying- I was afraid they’d hammer me with questions about my cutie mark.”
“Our side would have immediately shut down that line of questioning as irrelevant.”
“Thanks. But I still think Worthy is up to something. I bet he’ll try to fake his death and sneak off to his family’s island or something.”
“Radish, be proud of yourself. Even if it’s not what you were expecting, you’ve put a powerful criminal away. It’s just that not all of our enemies will rate a sentence in Tartarus.”
“Hmm. All right, princess. Speaking of Tartarus, I’m sorry I never got to the bottom of how Tirek escaped.”
“Don’t worry- I did. It seems that every time the Superintendent checked on Tirek, Tirek absorbed a bit of magic from his mechanical brain. After a thousand years of cumulative power drain, the Superintendent started making errors in counting prisoners. And telling time.”
“Can he be fixed?”
“I’ve got experts working on it.”
“No wonder Tirek looked so shriveled. An artifact-to-organic power transfer like that would have a deleterious effect on his digestive system.”
Celestia looked surprised. “Why, major, you sound just like Scorpan.”
“Yeah. I’m glad he's okay.”
“He speaks highly of you, which is quite a feat. He is not easily impressed.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“What was your impression of him?”
“Oh, uh, he’s very… erudite. Kind of stiff, but he’s good people.”
“That’s how I remember him.”
Radish took a deep breath. “Princess, I want you to know that I’m happy to have brought him back into your life. And if you’d like to pick up where you left off with him… you have my support.”
Celestia cracked an awkward smile. “Radish… I think you may have the wrong idea about me and Scorpan.”
“Oh? I thought you two were… close.”
“Certainly, we developed a strong bond while fighting Tirek, as life-and-death battles tend to forge. And after the danger was over, he was given a hero’s welcome in the castle. We dined together, shared each other’s cultures, and we even taught each other magic. But there was no romance. The wound from my first love was still raw back then.”
“Oh, I see.”
“And now that I think of it, Scorpan actually spent much more time with Luna in those days.”
“Luna? Really?”
“Yes. They saw operas and plays together, strolled the menagerie, and toured Canterlot by coach.”
“Oh. That’s… nice.”
“In fact, I believe I saw the two of them taking a walk by the lake just a while ago.”
“I’m, uh, going to go now.”
“See you later, major.”
Radish took a walk along the palace’s back parapets.
“Radish!” called Twilight. She landed next to him. They hugged.
“Hi, Twilight. Thanks for-”
“Please don’t say, ‘thanks for saving the world’ again.”
“Okay. But I’m thinking it.”
“And please, no lectures on Discord, either.”
“Oh, I’m not worried about Discord anymore.”
“Good.”
Radish walked over to the edge of the walkway. Twilight joined him. They gazed at the newest landmark on the Equestrian landscape, a massive tree-shaped crystalline castle just on the outskirts of Ponyville.
“Isn’t it amazing?” remarked Twilight.
“Hey, if anyone deserves a castle, it’s you.”
“I don’t think the Tree of Harmony intended it as a reward. More like a responsibility. Did you hear? I’ve got a new title.”
“The Princess of Friendship?” Light Fantastic asked incredulously.
“Yep,” replied Radish.
“What does that even mean?”
“Well… she’s, you know, good at friendship.”
“I’ve had friends longer than she has. Can I be Queen Mother of Friendship?”
“I’ll ask. She’s showing me her castle this weekend.”
“Yeah? You sound excited.”
“Fanny, that castle was seemingly spawned by the Tree of Harmony itself. That means it was designed by a magical intelligence. There’s nothing else in Equestria like that. It might represent some kind of… magical ideal of how a castle is supposed to be! If I study its design, it would be like learning castle-building from a higher being! Defense strategies of transcendental origin!”
“Ah. You want to plumb the secrets of Twilight’s inner sanctum.”
“With every tool I have.”
“Sounds exhausting.”
“I’ll go slowly.”
“That could take all night.”
“I won’t stop until I’m satisfied.”
“What if her friends are there?”
“They can watch.”
They shared a laugh. Light kissed Radish.
“Well, have fun. But seriously, don’t sleep with Twilight.”
“What? Where did that come from?”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish stared up at Twilight’s castle. He cocked his head. He trotted around its base. As he completed the circuit, Twilight popped her head out of the front door.
“Radish! What do you think? Isn’t it incredible!?”
“I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Come on in!”
He entered the castle through large double doors. The interior was the same color crystal as the exterior. Two halls curved away on each side, leading to multiple doors in a large circle. Another massive hall led forward.
“I’m glad you could come. You did such a great job at evaluating the security at my coronation, I thought it would be fun for you to evaluate the security of this place. I’d be curious to know what you think of the Tree of Harmony’s approach to designing this building.”
“I’m fascinated by the idea. Does this place have a name?”
“What do you think of ‘The Castle of Friendship’?”
“That’s kind of on-the-muzzle.”
“It needs to be a simple name so it can translate easily into other languages.”
“Oh. You really think ahead.”
She led him to the central chamber- a large round room with seven thrones arranged in a circle, facing each other. Each one had one of the girls’ cutie marks, except for a small one near Twilight’s- obviously intended to be Spike’s.
“Oh, wow. You weren’t kidding. It really grew thrones for you.”
“Neat, huh? Sorry there’s not one for you.”
“Oh, Twi. I’m not really a part of your team.”
“Don’t say that. You may not have an Element of Harmony, but you’re important to us.”
“Still, you can’t really display my mark on a chair.”
“Oh, Radish. Your mark may be a bit, uh, ribald…”
“Ribald, huh? That’s a new one.” He walked up to Twilight’s throne. He took a spot beside it, standing tall at attention. “This is a guard’s place, anyway. Not on a throne, but next to it. Standing ready to defend his princess.”
Twilight laughed. Radish looked at her, cockeyed.
“Sorry. When you act serious about guarding, you remind me of how Shining Armor was when we were kids. He knew from the start that he wanted to be captain someday.”
“That sounds like him, all right.”
“Do you want to be captain someday?”
“Commander Shade asked me that once. I told him I’d rather be the Royal Spymaster.”
“There is no Royal Spymaster.”
“Well, isn’t that what-”
“-a Royal Spymaster would want everyone to believe?” Twilight spoke simultaneously with Radish.
“Yeah,” said Radish.
“Maybe. What would you do as Spymaster?”
“I can’t tell you. You have to have deniability.”
“Thanks for looking out for me,” Twilight laughed.
“Twi… do you need guards here? I can recommend a whole platoon’s worth of capable guards for this place. I can ask the bat ponies to do night patrol. And Eddie could hide in the bushes outside.”
“Rad, that’s kind of you to offer. But let’s take it one thing at a time. You can evaluate the castle first, then we can talk about any other measures I might need. And I don’t think Owlowiscious would get along with a snake.”
“Okay. Are you going to put a conference table in here or something? It’s weird that the thrones just face each other with nothing between them.”
“Yeah, I have to fill this whole place with furniture. It grew me a bed, though, which is nice. A four-poster kind.”
“That is nice.”
“And I’m getting shipments of books from Canterlot to replace the ones that were... destroyed in the attack.”
She sighed, drooping her ears. Radish walked up to her and hugged her.
“Books are replaceable. You’re not.”
She smiled. “Thanks. Oh! Come check out the mirror!”
She led him into the library. The majority of shelves were bare, but Twilight and Spike had already labeled the sections and were filling them out. A massive mirror, built onto a pedestal and framed by a large stylized horseshoe, stood off to one side. Radish approached it. He looked at his reflection, and Twilight joined it.
“So, this is it, huh? The mirror on the edge of a universe.”
“Yes.”
Twilight gazed wistfully at her reflection in the mirror. Radish looked at her.
“You’ll see him again someday.”
“I may not. I may not see any of them again. But I’m glad I could help them before I left them. I think they’ll be fine.”
“Good.”
Radish noticed how quiet the building was.
“Anyone else here?”
“The other five are taking some well-deserved time off. After Tirek, everyone wanted to spend some time with their families.”
“Don’t you?”
“I am. Spike, Owlowiscious, and I are leaving for Canterlot soon. We’ll be at my parents’ for the weekend.”
“Oh? So I’ll be here all alone?”
“Yes. Sorry, did I not mention that?”
“Don’t worry. It’ll be nice to have a castle to myself for the weekend. Where should I set up my bedroll?”
He nodded to his saddlebags, which had his old Ranger sleeping bag tied up in one of their clasps.
“Oh, you don’t have to sleep on the floor!”
“There’s a guest bed?”
“No, that’s another piece of furniture I’ll have to get for this place. But you can just take my bed.”
“Oh… I, uh…”
“What? You’re going to tell me that’s weird or something? That a guard ‘mustn’t lay a hoof upon his princess’s royal bedsheets, lest he bring her scandal and shame’?”
“Nah, I’ve been in Luna’s bed.”
“Huh?”
“Twilight!” called Spike from another room. “Where’s that little bag that goes with the big bag?”
“Uh, just a minute, Spike! Hold that thought, Radish,” she said.
She trotted away, and Radish watched her go.
“See, Fanny? Nothing to worry about,” Radish muttered. “Can’t sleep with her if she’s not here.”
“Hoo.”
“Twilight,” Radish answered.
He turned around. Twilight’s owl assistant was perched on a top shelf, staring at him.
“Oh. You must be Owlowiscious. Nice to meet you. I’m Major Root.”
“Hoo.”
“Nothing. Just a joke between me and my girlfriend. So, what’s your take on this place?”
“Hooo. Hoo-hoo hoo.”
“I, uh, don’t know those terms.”
“Hooooo.”
“Hey, I’m not a scholar. I’m a guard. And it’s my job to see how safe this place is.”
“Hooo.”
“Yeah? What makes you so sure?”
“Hoo.”
“Oh, great. I feel safer for her already.”
Twilight walked back in.
“Radish? Oh, good. You two have met.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure you’ll be okay here all alone?”
“I’ll be fine. Enjoy your time with your family.”
Twilight, Spike, and Owlowiscious gathered their luggage and made their way to the front door.
“Bye, Radish!” said Spike. “Help yourself to anything in the fridge! I just stocked it!”
“Hooo.”
“Wait,” said Radish. “What do I do if the mirror portal opens and a human comes through?”
“Uh… be a good host? They don’t bite. But don’t let them get trapped on this side,” said Twilight.
“What if Discord shows up?”
“Just be really boring, and he’ll leave,” said Spike.
“Okay. There’s plumbing, right?”
“Yep. Hot showers and flush toilets,” said Twilight. “Still not sure where the water comes from. Or goes."
“Feel free to use the laundry room!” said Spike. “Just put what’s in there aside, I’ll run it when we get back.”
“How can there be laundry already? You’ve had this castle a day, and none of you wear clothes.”
“Tell me about it,” grumbled Spike.
“Oh! Uh… don’t… don’t go through the drawers in the bedroom. Or the trunk in the closet. Or the bathroom cabinet!” warned Twilight.
“What could possibly-”
“That’s an order, major.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Okay, that’s everything. Have fun here.”
“Oh, wait. I need the keys to this place.”
“Uh, there are no keys. There are no locks.”
“What? It’s a castle.”
“Look,” she said, pointing to the main doors.
Radish looked at the doors. Not only were there no locks, there were no handles or door knobs. He looked to Spike and Owlowiscious, who both shrugged.
“Son of a-”
“Goodbye, Rad!”
“Bye.”
“Hoo.”
Radish stared at himself in the dimensional mirror. He walked up to it. He tapped its surface. He felt nothing but cold glass.
“Okay. You just stay that way.”
Radish dropped off his bags in Twilight’s bedroom, and set up work materials on her desk. He turned to look at Twilight’s bed.
She used to sleep in the spare room of a library. Now she has a four-post bed in her own castle. She’s really moved up in the world.
He walked up to it and felt the sheets. They were silk.
This isn’t weird. It’s just a bed. She’s just a friend to me. More like a kid sister. But also, my boss. So this definitely isn’t weird.
He doffed his armor and lay down to get the feel of the mattress, resting his head on her pillow. The mattress felt soft. The pillow smelled like Twilight’s mane.
That’s not a weird thought to have. It’s normal to notice smells. It’d be weirder to ignore a smell.
He heard the front door open, followed by hoofsteps. He sprang out of the bed and snatched up his sword in his mouth.
Stupid! Never take off your armor unless you’re secure! Now there’s no time to re-don it!
He silently crept into the hall, focusing his senses on the hunt. The intruder had taken the outer circular hall, and was heading toward him. He could cut through the center room, then get behind them.
He heard another door open and close.
Wait, that direction is the laundry room. Did someone come here to… steal Twilight’s dirty clothes?
He fumed at the thought, quickening his pace to an almost audible level. He reached the laundry room door and put his ear to it. Someone was inside, all right. He kicked it open, sword in mouth.
“What the-!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “Radish!? You nearly gave me a heart attack!”
Radish took his sword in hoof.
“Rainbow? I thought all of you were visiting your parents.”
“I’m about to. But I always play cloudball with my cousins when I go home, and I left my lucky sock in this castle. I can’t play without it.”
“Lucky sock?”
“I was afraid Spike might have thrown it in with the laundry. And I was right! Look!”
She held up a filthy gray sock. Radish winced and stepped back.
“That was a close one!” said Rainbow Dash. “He almost washed all the luck out of it!”
“Dash, that’s gross. Don’t wear that.”
“I don’t wear it. I rub it for luck between plays.”
“Ugh.”
“So, how’s the whole security evaluation going? Actually, I guess if you have to run around with a sword, you can’t be feeling too safe here, can you?”
“You know there’s no lock on the door?”
“This is Ponyville. The worst thing that could wander in through that door is an overly-chatty neighbor.”
“Or someone like Tirek.”
“Tirek doesn’t use doors, he just blows up the building.”
“So you feel Twilight is safe in here?”
“You don’t? She’s like one of the most powerful beings on Earth now.”
“Dash, this castle is top-heavy, made of brittle material, and supported by a single column that’s hollowed out. It’s got a huge decorative star on the top that does nothing but add weight and wind resistance. I’m terrified it will all come crashing down on her.”
“What, you think the Tree of Harmony would grow her a deathtrap for a castle? Get real.”
“I’m starting to get suspicious of that tree.”
“Hey, don’t rag on the Tree. It saved our butts.”
“Yeah, fine. I just worry about Twilight, is all.”
“We all do. But this place is solid as a rock. It is a rock.”
“It’s crystal. Crystals can shatter. They’re especially vulnerable to sonic vibrations.”
“What’s going to attack a castle with sound? An evil opera singer?” She put her sock in her bag. She looked at him. “Hey, can I try out your sword?”
“No.”
“Fine. Guess I’m gonna go. What are you up to now?”
“Twilight didn't know where this castle gets its water. I need to make sure the source is safe.”
“Want some help?”
Twilight found Celestia in her private garden, watering a bed of lantana.
“I left my requisition forms in your office, princess. I’d be grateful for anything you could lend me.”
“Of course, dear. You can have anything you need. But you might want to consider turning the castle into a source of revenue- offering tours, opening a gift shop, and renting it out as a venue for events. Then it can upkeep itself.”
“Well, my priority is getting its library up and running. Ponyville shouldn’t go without a public library for too long, and we lost almost every book.”
“I am sorry about your home, Twilight. You may have been the only one to suffer a permanent loss at Tirek’s hands. But now that you live in an actual castle, I think it’s time you accepted a guard detail. And now that you have a title, you should have a support staff.”
“Thank you, but I don’t think it will be necessary. Spike and Owlowiscious are all the support staff I’ve ever needed, and I’ve been training new defensive spells.”
“The world grows more dangerous by the day, especially for princesses. Please, I only want you safe.”
“Well… I’ll give it thought. But the idea makes me uncomfortable.”
“You can select ponies that you know and trust. Like Radish, for example.”
“He was looking forward to moving back to Canterlot, to be closer to Light Fantastic.”
“Ah, yes.”
Celestia looked around the garden, then bent low to Twilight. “You know, before she came into the picture, I often wondered if you and Radish were on a… collision course.”
“Huh?”
“Romantically.”
“Oh. Ah, heh heh. That’s funny. I’ve never really… thought about him like that.”
“Really? Your letters about him always seemed… how shall I put this? Extra fond.”
“Funny, his letters about you seemed the same way. I used to wonder if the two of you were on a collision course.”
Celestia frowned.
“We weren’t ,” she said icily.
“Okay then. Nobody is on a collision course with Radish.”
“Right.”
“Except for Light Fantastic.”
“Ah, yes. Her . Twilight, do you find her to be a bit…”
“Much?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t tell anyone I said this, but I actually think he pairs better with Sky.”
“Oh, really?”
“Honestly, you two,” said Luna, standing in a balcony above them, “are you princesses, or gossiping old milkmaids?” She flitted down to them. “How would Radish feel if he knew you were speaking of his ladylove this way behind his back?”
“You’ve never met Light, have you?” asked Celestia, grinning.
“Hello, Princess Luna,” said Twilight. “Actually, my earliest friendship studies indicated that it’s very common for marefriends to gossip about the boys they know. But none of my Ponyville friends ever want to. I guess we don’t know that many guys who aren’t Radish, or one of our brothers.”
“You don’t say? Twilight, that’s a rather large blind spot for the Princess of Friendship. You should really have more male friends,” said Celestia.
“You think?”
“Indeed,” said Luna. “I have scads of friends of all manner of genders. It gives one perspectives one could not have otherwise.”
“Scads?” asked Celestia. “Name one.”
“This isn’t about my friends, it’s about Twilight’s.”
“You’re right,” Twilight said. “It’s just that Ponyville has always skewed heavily female. I’m not actually sure why it’s that way.”
“Twilight,” said Celestia, "why not use this weekend off as an opportunity to make a new friend? Canterlot has a much more balanced ratio, and a bigger variety of places to meet ponies.”
“That could be fun,” Twilight said. “A cold-call friendship.”
“And Luna, perhaps you could finally meet Light Fantastic.”
“Ah, a fine idea. It’s high time I met the mare who so captured the heart of my Champion. I’m sure we will be fast friends. But Celestia, if the two of us are making new friends this weekend, I think you ought to put in the effort, as well.”
“Hmm. You know, I’ve always wanted to do that thing where a royal disguises herself as a commoner to go amongst them. It would be fun to make a new friend without the baggage of royalty.”
“But wouldn’t trying to make friends while undercover mean you’d be starting off a friendship through deception?” asked Twilight.
“Or perhaps it would be a truer friendship if it began without the knowledge that I’m a princess,” said Celestia.
“Maybe.”
“Then it’s settled,” said Celestia. “We’ll all make a new friend this weekend.”
“Yes, and whoever makes the strongest friendship, wins!” announced Luna.
“Princess,” said Twilight, “I don’t think-”
“Wins what?” asked Celestia.
“One bit from the other two!”
“You’re on!”
Radish poked around the base of the Castle of Friendship. Rainbow Dash flapped out of a window and set down next to him.
“Sorry, I couldn’t find a basement, crawlspace, sewer access, or anything that could help us figure out where the water is coming from. Or going. I’d tell you to talk to the Water Department… but Ponyville doesn’t have one.”
“Okay, I’m going to try something.”
Radish planted his hooves into the earth, adjusted their placement, and lay prone. He put his chin on the ground and closed his eyes.
“Uh… what are you doing?”
“Communing with the soil,” he said, keeping his eyes closed. “It’s an earth pony thing.”
“What? No, it’s not. Applejack never does that.”
“She grew up on her farm. She already knows the soil there.”
“Yeah? How does it work?”
“I focus my senses and feel the ebb and flow of life in the ground. Soil is a stack of organic and mineral layers, each of which tells its own story. And there are countless insects, worms, fungi, bacteria, and other living things all forming a community underground. The way they move can give me some hint as to what else is down there.”
“You’re pulling my wing. I’ve never heard of this.”
“Don’t pegasi do pretty much the same thing with the sky? Become one with the wind and the birds and the clouds?”
“Yeah, we call it ‘stratojocking’.”
“Well, we call this ‘ground-truthing’.”
“Huh. So, what are you feeling?”
“The, uh, tree’s roots are super deep. But they’re not alive… at least not how a real tree is. And they’re not drying out the soil around them, so I don’t think the castle is just sucking up ground water. It must be tapping into the water table at a much deeper depth.”
“Then where does the wastewater go?”
“No clue. Maybe the Castle of Friendship has a septic tank.”
“Lovely.”
“Well, thanks for your help. I won’t keep you. I need to make lunch, anyway.”
“What are you making?”
Luna flung open the door of Cat’s Howl with a wham . Light Fantastic yelped at the noise and ducked behind her counter. She peeked over it.
“Greetings! I am Princess Luna! Light Fantastic, I presume?”
Light stood up.
“Oh! Hi!”
“I do apologize for not introducing myself sooner. My duties put my schedule out of sync with most ponies’ lives.”
“Uh, that’s okay. It’s nice to meet you. What… uh… why are you… how can I help you?”
“As you are no doubt aware, I am one of Major Radish Root’s oldest and dearest friends. And as such, I would very much like to be friends with the love of his life, as well.”
“He calls me the love of his life?”
“Ah, not so much in his words, but in his tone. A princess knows what’s in her Champion’s heart.”
“Oh. Nice.”
Luna looked around at the store. “So… what is all this?”
“Only the best stuff in Canterlot! Come on, I’ll show you.”
Light led Luna through the aisles, showing off her merchandise. Luna stopped in front of a display of the character based on her.
“Eclipsa. The Moon Mistress,” she read off a label.
“She’s a popular character,” said Light.
“A villain?”
“Not entirely. You dunk her in cold water, and her colors change. She becomes her face version- her good guy side. That’s why she costs twice as much. It was Rad’s idea.”
“Ah. You see? Even in such things as unauthorized merchandising, he defends my honor.”
“Yeah, he was insistent that the products put you in a positive light. Really insistent,” Light chuckled.
Luna cocked her head at Light. “Miss Fantastic, you need not be jealous of my relationship with Radish.”
“I’m not.”
“A guardstallion’s fealty to his princess is a non-romantic form of love. We may occupy two different halves of his heart without encroaching upon each other.”
“Okay. Right.”
“And true, some would say it is a more pure form of love than even erotic love, but I am sure his heart beats with as much passion for you as it does with devotion to me.”
Light laughed.
“You find this amusing?” Luna asked.
“I’m sorry. It’s just that, a few years ago, I never could have imagined that a princess would walk into my store to insist on how much my boyfriend loves her, non-romantically. Knowing Rad has opened a lot of crazy experiences for me.”
“Ah, yes.”
“Besides, we’re not the ones who are really in competition for space in Rad’s heart.”
“No?”
“Celestia is his princess, his boss, his boyhood crush, and she’s on his cutie marks. If anything, we should both be worried about her claiming him all for herself.”
“Be wary, Light Fantastic. Jealousy of Celestia can lead to a dark and regrettable place.”
“And sometimes I think he and Twilight are overly-familiar. They hug a lot for just friends.”
“Nay. She patently denied harboring such feelings just this morning.”
“Yeah? They used to hate each other, you know. Now she’s in a dominant position over him. That’s a recipe for serious sexual tension.”
“Well, that is… oh. I see. You are ribbing me, yes?”
“Yes.”
“I am honored. But perhaps we should put aside Radish for a moment, and seek common ground in other interests.”
“Sure.”
“Do you like… uh, the moon?”
“I love the moon!”
“Wonderful!”
Princess Celestia stepped out of her bathroom, having recolored her coat to a bright yellow, painted her horn to match, and braided her mane and tail after coloring them pastel blue. She had dyed a new cutie mark over hers- a beach ball. She had none of her regalia, but wore a flannel shirt which hid her wings.
“Well, how do I look?” she asked Sew Buttons, her lady-in-waiting. “Am I recognizable?”
Sew Buttons looked her over.
“Ma’am, your bearing is still rather… regal.”
“Hmm.”
Celestia stood in front of a floor mirror and shifted her posture, changing her resting expression.
“Now?”
“Your voice still sounds too magnificent and benevolent.”
“Ahem. Now? ”
“Perfect, your highness. Your own guards won’t recognize you.”
“Good.”
“Do you have a name for this… persona?”
“What do you think of ‘Summer Breeze’?”
“And what do you do for a living, Miss Summer Breeze?”
“I design roller coasters!”
“Really? That must be fun.”
“It has its ups and downs.”
Celestia burst out with laughter at her own joke.
“Good one, ma’am.”
“Don’t you ‘ma’am’ me. We’re the same age!”
“Oh? You completed a roller coaster engineering degree at my age? Where at?”
“Steeracuse.”
“Oh, I heard their basketball team is just awful this year.”
“Bite your tongue, Sew Buttons! They’ve put together an excellent-”
“You’ve lost the voice, ma’am.”
“Ahem.”
Twilight Sparkle stepped into a downtown Canterlot hobby shop. She walked down the aisles of model kits, paints, and accessories, taking in the crowd. She noticed an earth stallion about her age examining model rockets. She trotted up to him.
“Oh! An X-190!” she said enthusiastically. “That’s a classic design!”
“Yeah, and it’s-”
He turned to look at her, and realized he was talking to a princess.
“What the fuck!?”
“And she’d never played four-square before! Can you believe it?” said Rainbow Dash, talking with her mouth full.
“Hard to believe,” said Radish.
“These are good.”
Radish had baked toast points and covered them with beans, guacamole, and pico de gallo. They shared them on one of the castle’s balconies.
“Thanks. It’s from the Ranger cookbook. I made this all the time on the plains. I never get to cook in the palace.”
“Really? I barely ever cook. Seems a bit… involved, you know?”
“What do you eat, then?”
“Mostly takeout. See that place?” she asked, pointing into town. Radish squinted. “They have the best hay shakes in Equestria! We should get some after this.”
“Rainbow, don’t you have to get going?”
“I guess. It doesn’t take that long to fly to Cloudsdale, and I don’t really have an ETA with my parents.”
“Are you delaying going home for some reason?”
“It’s just… my folks are always super enthusiastic about me. They’re like a couple of cheerleaders who never turn off.”
“Well, you are one of Equestria’s greatest heroes.”
“I know, I know. Do your parents act the same way about the stuff you do?”
“Well, a lot of what I do is classified. But it’s nice being recognized for something other than my cutie marks.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you- did you get your cutie marks during a sonic rainboom? Maybe you’re connected to us!”
“You want to take responsibility for my cutie marks?”
“Never mind.”
Princess Celestia, as Summer Breeze, sat at the counter at Pony Joe’s Donuts. Joe hadn’t seemed to recognize her yet. She focused her attention on listening in on various conversations taking place around the restaurant. One conversation in particular between two mares caught her notice.
“Oh yeah, Tirek sapped my entire family. What a shitshow.”
“This whole country’s been a shitshow for years. Things were better when it was just Celestia. How can we have more princesses than ever, but more existential threats than ever, too?”
Celestia turned to see the patrons. She recognized them as young adult students at her School for Gifted Unicorns.
“I swear, Celestia does it on purpose,” one said. “She lets these monsters loose on us so Twilight can look heroic fighting them.”
“Yeah? I had a different hypothesis. Ever notice that all these disasters began right after she hired Radish Root?”
“Who?”
“That guard who’s got a cutie mark of him banging her?”
“What, that guy is real?”
“Yeah, and you know what I think? I think she’s been sleeping with him since day one. These things happen because she’s too distracted by the sex to rule properly.”
“Must be good sex to keep bringing back thousand-year-old monsters.”
One of them noticed Summer Breeze looking at them.
“You want to say something?”
Rainbow Dash hovered around the massive crystal star on top of Twilight’s castle.
“Nope! I don’t think this thing does anything!” she called to Radish.
“I can’t find a way to reach it from the inside,” he said, appearing on a balcony. “I guess it’s just there to look pretty.”
Rainbow Dash caught her reflection in it.
“Well, it’s doing a good job, now.”
She tapped on it.
“Maybe it’ll turn out to be an energy shield emitter, or a big rainbow laser turret.”
“That would be nice.”
She landed on the balcony next to him.
“So, anything else I can help with around here?”
“Dash, now you really are avoiding your parents.”
“Yeah. I know. I guess I should get going. Have fun with the safety eval.”
“Oh, I have some ideas.”
“You’re not going to mess with the castle, are you? I thought you’re here to look, not touch.”
“I won’t touch. Much.”
“Right. Maybe I should go before you fill the halls with booby traps. Plausible deniability.”
“Say hi to your folks for me.”
“They don't know who you are. I'm so envious."
Sew Buttons hummed gaily as she folded royal towels and placed them on a cart for distribution. She heard hoofsteps behind her, and turned to see her princess, still in disguise.
“Good afternoon, princess.”
“Princess? Where?” Summer Breeze asked, checking behind her.
“Oh. I mean, good afternoon, Summer Breeze.”
“Good afternoon!”
“What brings you to the back of the castle?”
“I’ve been invited to a dorm party at the School for Gifted Unicorns. I need some advice from my bestie.”
“I’m your bestie?”
“Of course! You’re my oldest friend!”
“Okay… what advice do you need?”
She held up two different outfits in her aura.
“Which do you think looks best on me?”
“Well, that one-”
“And keep in mind, I want to look flirty, but not slutty.”
“Really? Flirty?”
“I was told there’d be some hot guys there tonight.”
“Oh? You’re… hoping to meet hot guys?”
“Who isn’t?”
“Uh… then the stripes, I think.”
“I think so, too. Thanks, Sew. Wanna come?”
“I’ll have to pass. I’m working early tomorrow.”
“Sew, you need to lighten up. There’s more to life than work.”
“Well, if I asked my boss for tomorrow off…”
“That old bat? She wouldn’t know fun if it showed up with her on its flanks.”
“Huh?”
A model rocket drifted down on a small white parachute. It landed upright on the grass of a Canterlot public park, in front of Twilight Sparkle and her new stallion friend, North Westing.
“Perfect!” she said, clapping her hooves.
“You were right about the launch vector,” said North.
“And you were right about the wind!” she said.
“Come on, let’s try out the big engines,” said North.
“Ooh.”
Splash Page threw open the door to Cat’s Howl with a comic book in hoof.
“Light! New issue of Ironcolt ! No spoilers, but I was totally right about everything!”
He saw Princess Luna.
“Whoa, what the fuck? How many princesses do you get in here?”
“Hey, Splash. This is my good friend, Princess Luna. Luna, Splash Page.”
“Don’t let me interfere with you tending to your customer,” said Luna.
“Oh, Splash never buys anything. He just hangs out here. A lot.”
“Does he?” Luna stalked up to Splash Page and pointed her hoof in his face. “You know, Miss Fantastic is taken. By a good friend of mine.”
“Uh… Fanny?”
“She’s got you there, Splash. No more coming in here lusting after my hot bod, okay?”
“Right. Do you still want the comic?”
“Yeah.”
He held it up, and Luna snatched it in her aura. She leafed through it.
“Interesting. The artistry in penny dreadfuls is quite exquisite now.”
“Wait,” said Splash Page, “you’ve never seen a modern comic? The whole time Radish was on the Night Shift, he never shared any with you?”
“No. Should he have?”
“Why, that’s criminal! You’ve got a lot to catch up on!”
“Is it? Do I?”
“Fan, you’ve got some of your collection here, right?”
“Uh…”
She pulled a file box out from under her counter.
“Yep.”
“Then your highness’s education starts now!” said Splash Page, hopping excitedly.
The door opened. Hazy Shade entered and gasped at Luna.
“What the fuck!?”
Radish compiled a stack of his notes and paperclipped them together.
Good start, despite the distractions. I’ll really dig into this place’s problems tomorrow.
Radish heard a crash, followed by a swear, followed by a “Hush!”. He took up his sword.
That wasn’t Rainbow Dash. And it was no overly-chatty neighbor.
Once again, Radish snuck down the castle’s halls. He put his ear to the central throne room’s door. He heard the faintest of hoofsteps.
No, not hoofsteps. They’re… deliberately scraping the floor. They’re digging through it?
Radish kicked the door open. No one was inside. He scanned the ceiling while circling the room. There were dozens of small windows along the upper walls.
Do they open? That should have been the first thing I checked.
He decided to assert his presence.
“I heard you in here! Come on out! I’m trained, armed, and not in the mood!”
He heard a snicker, and then a shush.
Laughing, huh? That came from upstairs. What’s up there?
Radish made his way upstairs. He searched through a dozen empty rooms, finding no evidence of anyone.
“Okay! Wanna be that way? You don’t mess with a guard, you don’t mess with a ranger, and you don’t mess with a Root!”
“Okay, okay, okay. But have you ever tried one of these ?”
One of Celestia’s students dangled a small orange potion in front of Summer Breeze’s face. Summer Breeze had already forgotten the girl’s name, and the names of everyone else at the party. She had also forgotten whose dorm she was now in.
“And that is?”
“Fated Love potion. You drink it, and you get a vision of the one you’re supposed to be with,” the girl said.
“Oh, bull honkey,” scoffed Summer Breeze.
“Hey, watch it,” said a bull on the couch, sipping a craft beer.
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s real,” said the girl, “this is from Kludgetown. My friend has a source there.”
“Then it’s illegal. And definitely bunk. And probably poison. You can’t trust a thing from that town.”
“It worked for me. It showed me Rider, here,” she said, pointing to the bull on the couch, “and we’ve been together since.”
“Yeah, Summer Breeze,” said Rider, “you can’t fight fate. It’s destiny.”
Summer Breeze snorted derisively.
“Fine. Give me the damn thing,” she said, snatching the potion in her aura. “And I better not see Radish Root.”
“Who?” the girl asked.
“He’s that guard who wrestled Celestia,” said Rider.
“Oh? Is he cute?”
Summer Breeze laughed. “Let me tell you something about Radish Root. He spent years working out because he assumed Celestia would be into big, buff stallions. By the time he joined her guard, he was so ripped, the royal armorer had to add extra plates to his armor to fit him!”
“No kidding?” asked Rider.
“But did Celestia appreciate it? Nooo. She wouldn’t know what to do with a hunk like Radish Root. She’s still moping over some weedy little scribe who bit the dust two thousand years ago!”
“Uh, how do you know that?” asked the girl.
“She should have just carried Radish up to her bedroom and had the time of her life with him! Heck, she should just be keeping him chained to the bed!”
“Okay, this is getting-”
“But it’s too late now! He forgot all about Celestia the minute some foulmouthed Midtown T-shirt maker batted her eyes at him!”
“What?”
“So the last face I want to see when I drink this swill is Radish-freakin’-Root!”
She popped the stopper off the vial and swigged the potion. Her eyes turned pure white and she stumbled back.
“So? Who you seeing?” the girl asked.
Summer Breeze shook her head violently. Her eyes returned to normal. She laughed, then seized a bottle of vodka from a nearby table in her aura.
“To destiny!” she toasted. She chugged the bottle.
Princess Luna sat in her divan, reading a graphic novel. She heard a knock at her door.
“Enter!”
Sew Buttons entered the bedroom with a cart of towels.
“Ah, excellent. I was almost out.”
“Your highness… I’m not sure if it’s my place to say so… but there might be a problem.”
“With towels?”
“No. Princess Celestia left last evening to attend a… social function… and hasn’t been seen since. I think you may need to raise the sun this morning.”
“Ah. That confirms it. I received this missive around the same time.”
She floated a letter off her desk and read it aloud. “Hey, Lulu. You do the sun, okay? Thanks. ”
“I see.”
“It is her hornwriting, though she hasn’t been this curt with me since she banished me to the moon.”
“Uh…”
“And I made her stop calling me ‘Lulu’ centuries before that.”
“Well, I’m relieved you got the message.”
“Yes, there’s just one problem.”
“Oh?”
“I don’t know how to raise the sun.”
“What!? Uh, maybe we can-”
“Ha! I was merely joking. You should have seen the terror on your face, chambermaid.”
“Oh… good one.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Applejack sipped coffee and watched the sun rise from Twilight’s balcony. She heard hoofsteps approaching. She saw her brother on the path to the door, and went downstairs to meet him.
“Howdy, bro. What brings you out here?”
Big Macintosh held up a tabloid from Ponyville’s newsstand. Applejack took it and read.
“Not content with just two Elements of Harmony, Radish Root has now been spotted making time with Applejack. She tore off his clothes and threw him into bed… why, of all the nerve.”
Big Mac raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, you know it ain’t like that.”
He nodded.
“But don’t let Apple Bloom see this. Or Granny.”
He nodded. He craned his neck to look past her into the castle.
“He’s asleep. He got it in his head that somepony else was sneakin’ ‘round here. And you know, I think there might be sumthin’ to it. Get Winona. We’re gettin’ to the bottom of this.”
Radish, wearing Twilight’s pink terrycloth bathrobe, stomped up from behind Applejack.
“AJ! You lousy, deceitful, apple-bucking piece of-!”
He saw Big Macintosh. He took a step back.
“Uh, who wants breakfast?”
Twilight limped to her parents’ breakfast table.
“Hey, sweetie. Still sore?” her mother asked.
“Yes. What do the papers say now?”
“That you were brutalized by the jealous girlfriend of your new boytoy.”
“Ugh.”
“And sorry, sweetie- looks like Radish has moved on to Applejack.”
She showed her the paper.
“I was always rooting for those two,” laughed Night Light.
Twilight looked at the article.
“How the hay did they get these photos?”
Radish lay face-down in Twilight’s bed. The bed’s curtains were drawn around him, filtering out the morning light. He tossed and turned. A light too bright to ignore burst over his head, and he gazed up at it, squinting.
Floating above Radish was Twilight Sparkle, glittering and translucent. She frowned.
“Radish Root.”
“Twilight?”
“I am the Tree of Harmony. I’ve been observing you, and I cannot remain silent anymore.”
“The… tree?”
“This castle is my offspring. I would ask you to stop altering it. It is not yours to change.”
“This castle is unsafe. Look at this place. Anyone could walk in.”
“That is true. Anyone could walk in. A miscreant. A vandal. An assassin. Or a friend. Or a potential friend.”
“What are you saying?”
“This is a Castle of Friendship. The ones you wish to exclude are the ones who need to be here the most.”
“What, you want Twilight’s enemies to get in here so she can… befriend them?”
“That is the optimal way of eliminating enemies.”
“No, an arrest, trial and prison sentence is.”
“I did not grow Twilight a prison for her enemies. I grew her a foyer to receive them. A lounge to entertain them. A kitchen to cook for them.”
“And not a single thing for me.”
“You don’t need to be here.”
“Look here, tree. I’m not going to let you use Twilight as some kind of villain bait. Either you let me secure this dump, or I’m knocking this whole castle down and keeping Twilight in my footlocker where she’s safe.”
Her image vanished. In its place appeared a mirror image of Radish.
“I’m knocking this whole castle down and keeping Twilight in my footlocker where she’s safe,” it repeated in Radish’s voice.
“Uh, you don’t have to show her that.”
“I’m knocking this whole castle down and keeping Twilight in my footlocker where she’s safe.”
Radish lunged out at himself. He tumbled out of Twilight’s bed right into Pinkie Pie, knocking a tray of food off her head.
“Oh! Hey!” said Pinkie Pie, pinned under him.
“Pinkie Pie?”
He rolled off her.
“Good morning!” she chirped. “Applejack said you were having a rough weekend, so I brought you breakfast in bed!”
She pointed to the tray of spilled food and beverages on the floor.
“Oh. That was nice of you. Sorry I tackled you.”
“Aw, my fault for sneaking up on a sleeping guard. I bet they’ve drilled a never-ending state of alertness into you, and you’re coiled up like a snake ready to strike even while you’re asleep, huh?”
“Actually, I dreamt the Tree of Harmony was being a jerk, so I tried to strangle it.”
“Strangle a tree?”
“No, it looked like me.”
“If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”
“Uh…”
“I’d be cedar! It smells great!”
“I thought you were visiting your folks this weekend.”
“This weekend is almost over, Radish. It’s Sunday afternoon.”
“Son of a bitch.”
“Hey! There could be kids listening.”
“I’ve been stumbling around this castle like an idiot all weekend, and I barely have anything to show for it.”
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” she giggled, pulling two tabloids from behind her back. Radish looked over them. One insinuated he was dating Rainbow Dash, the other proclaimed he was having relations with Applejack.
“Ugh. Are any of them mad?”
“Nah. We get this kind of thing all the time. You’re like, the least worst guy they’ve paired Rainbow Dash with.”
“Who was the most worst?”
“According to her, Discord. According to the rest of us, Iron Will.”
“I can see that working out.”
“Come on, we can have the backup breakfast I brought.”
“You brought a backup breakfast?”
“Oh, you never want to be caught without a backup breakfast.”
“You girls are always so nice,” Radish sighed.
“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“What if you someday have an enemy who takes advantage of your niceness?”
“That’s what niceness is for!”
Radish groaned.
Celestia’s head was pounding. She laboriously opened her eyes, and found herself in her bed. Twilight and Luna were staring down at her.
“Princess!” cried Twilight. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, Twilight.”
“What happened?”
Celestia glanced at her wall. One of her tapestries had been moved slightly to cover the spot where her head had slammed into the marble. She looked down at her hooves, and all her fur dye had been removed.
“Just a momentary lapse of balance, dear. I believe I cut loose a bit too much this weekend. You were right- one should not attempt to make friends under a false identity. Whichever one of you won the bet may see the royal bursar to collect your bit.”
“Sadly, my friendship with Light Fantastic is on thin ice,” said Luna. “She learned of the bet and was most displeased. She only accepted my apology after I agreed to a drinking contest. I won, though she vomited thirteen hundred-year-old rum onto my floor. Hardly a victory. Also, her store was broken into while we were out, and I think she blames me for that.”
“Oh, that’s awful,” said Twilight. “What did they get?”
“Nothing was stolen, some young lady was just playing with the toys. The watchpony who saw her believed her to be under the influence of one or more substances.”
“Oh, poor girl,” Twilight said. “I hope she gets the help she needs.”
“What about you, Twilight?” Celestia quickly asked. “How did your cold-call friendship go?”
“Great! I made new friendships with a nice stallion named North Westing and his girlfriend Lander. She said we could double-date if I ever get a boyfriend… which, now that I think about it, was kind of passive-aggressive.”
“Speaking of which, how’s Radish?” Celestia asked with a smirk.
Twilight rolled her eyes. “I saw him on the way in. He looked pretty haggard. He said he’d have a full report soon.”
“Haggard?” Celestia asked. “That must mean he found fault with your castle.”
“Or your bed,” noted Luna. “Remember, a large stallion requires a firm mattress for a comfortable night’s sleep.”
“Oh? How did he find yours?” Twilight asked.
“He had no complaints,” Luna answered proudly.
“Would you two mind letting me rest now?” Celestia groaned.
Luna and Twilight said their goodbyes and took their leave. Celestia lay on her side and poked at her mattress with her hoof. Sew Buttons entered the bedroom with fresh towels.
“Ma’am? How are you feeling?”
“I’ll be fine. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“That’s alright. I’m just glad you’re back to… I’m glad you’re okay.”
Celestia lifted the tapestry with her aura. Her face had left a sizable dent in the wall, with a much deeper hole where her horn penetrated.
“Thank you for your discretion,” Celestia said. “I’m embarrassed by my behavior as Summer Breeze. Perhaps she’s what rises from the grave after you’ve buried your longings too deeply and for too long.”
She opened her nightstand drawer and pulled out a woodcut of a handsome unicorn.
“He set such a high bar. But he’d be miserable if he knew I never tried to take the leap again. He just wanted me… to be happy.”
She hugged it to her chest and sniffled. Sew Buttons walked to her bedside.
“I’ll help you any way I can.”
“Thank you, dear.” Celestia noticed a newspaper rolled up in her lady-in-waiting’s pocket. “Are you done with that?”
“Oh. Yes. But, uh, it’s a bit of a silly rag, ma’am.”
“That’s fine. I’m in the mood for something silly.”
She opened the paper to see a front-page photo of Radish, lying unconscious on Twilight’s floor while Applejack tugged his armor off with her teeth. She smiled.
“And there he is.”
Applejack trotted into Ponyville’s confectionary.
“Hi, Applejack!” said the mare at the counter.
“Howdy, Bon Bon.”
“What can I get you?”
“An explanation.”
“Uh, that’s not a candy I’ve ever heard of.”
“No, I ain’t in the mood for somethin’ sweet. In fact, I’m feeling a might sour.”
“Applejack, what’s up?”
“Somepony was sneakin’ all over Twilight’s castle this weekend. Left no evidence. Not even Winona could pick up a scent.”
“Then how do you know they were there?”
“Well, I got to thinkin’… maybe they didn’t leave behind a scent, but maybe a scent got left on them. Radish was all over the castle, so if there’s anyone in Ponyville who smells like him that shouldn’t…”
Winona burst into the shop and barked furiously at Bon Bon.
“Well, look at that.”
Bon Bon’s ears drooped. “Okay, you caught me. I was at the castle.”
“Doin’ what?”
Bon Bon placed a series of photographs on her counter. They depicted Radish pinning Pinkie Pie to the floor of Twilight’s bedroom.
“Tabloids pay top bit for fun photos of you six. And they love to print stuff about Radish, too. All weekend long he’s been providing the best photo opportunities.”
“So that was you! Why, of all the low-down, dirty-dealin’, no good…”
“Sorry, Applejack. Lyra’s birthday is coming up, and I wanted to earn a little extra money to get her something special. I promise I won’t do it again.”
“You better not.”
“Why don’t you take a box of chocolates, on the house?”
“Why don’t you bring it to Radish instead, and apologize to him in person?”
“Oh… okay.”
Applejack turned and left. Winona gave Bon Bon a suspicious glance, then followed Applejack out. Bon Bon sat back on her stool and flipped through the photos. The last picture in the stack was an image of the Castle of Friendship’s thrones.
“Tree of Harmony… what are you hiding?”
Potion Nova sat down in the palace commissary with her lunch on a tray. As she picked up her sandwich, Celestia sat down opposite her.
“Oh, princess. What can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry to disturb your break, but I need to know something. About Fated Love potion.”
“Oh, I remember hearing about that. It was an old scam out of the badlands.”
“A scam, you say? So such potions are unreliable?”
“Yeah. No way a potion can show you who you’re meant to be with.”
“Thank you, Potion Nova.”
“All they do is spike your amygdala. They make you see whatever you want to see.”
“Whatever you want to see?”
“Yeah. Perfect scam, huh? Everyone walks away a satisfied customer.”
“Not everyone, Potion Nova.”
“Oh. I see. I’m sorry.”
“Thank you for your expertise.”
“Do you need anything else?”
“Just lunch. May I sit with you?”
“Of course!”
“Just no talking about work, please. Or relationships.”
“Sure. How about sports?”
“Oh, do you follow college basketball? Steeracuse has put together an excellent team this year.”
Rainbow Dash placed a casserole dish of potato gratin onto her parents’ dining room table. They gathered around it, forks in hoof, ready to try it.
“Now remember, this is my first attempt,” Rainbow Dash said. “So it’s obviously not going to be the greatest in the world. Got it?”
“How could it not be!?” asked her father. “It already smells the greatest!”
Rainbow Dash dug her fork in and tasted it. Her eyes bugged out.
“Whoa, maybe it is the greatest in the world! I guess I’m even more talented than I knew!”
Her parents cheered, then dug in.
“Ahh, home sweet home,” said Spike, holding the Crystal Castle’s door open for Twilight and Owlowiscious.
“Hoo.”
“Yeah. Home,” said Twilight, uneasily gazing around the cavernous foyer.
“I wonder if Radish learned anything interesting here?” Spike asked.
“Hoo. Hoo-oot.”
“Well, I don’t think- ow! What is this?” exclaimed Twilight. She poked at a string pulled taught across the hallway. Spike and Owlowiscious gathered near her.
“Hoot!”
“A tripwire!? Well, it didn’t seem to-”
A net fell on her. Its edges pulled together, enclosing her within it, and a rope dragged her screaming down the hall, through the laundry room, and flung her out the window. She landed, still netted, into a nearby oak tree. The rope snagged, and she dangled from its branches like a piñata.
“Hi, Twilight!” called Pinkie Pie, trotting past. “Oh, you didn’t see the tripwires? Rad put them all over the castle!”
“What!?”
Twilight teleported herself out of the net and shook the ringing out of her head.
“I am going to order Radish back here and have him take out every last one. He should never have made unauthorized alterations without my express approval!”
“Aww, he just wants to keep us safe. You don’t need express approval to care about someone.”
“Pinkie, what’s a net snare going to do against the likes of Tirek?”
“I asked him that! He said he’ll throw every idea he has against your enemies, because he can’t sleep at night knowing he’s done less than his best to protect you.”
She shifted to an imitation of Radish’s voice. “Even if my whole life’s purpose is to buy Twilight one extra second of safety, it will be worth it. ”
Twilight felt her chest warm up and her hooves quiver. “He said that?”
“Uh huh!”
“Oh… that’s nice.”
Radish entered Cat’s Howl to find Light at her counter, going over her books and chewing a muffin.
“Hey, hon,” he said, walking up to her. “I heard about the break-in. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. If anything, it’s free advertising.”
“I can fortify this place from intruders, if you want,” Radish offered.
“Rad, I know you. You’d go totally overboard. Besides, it’s all insured.”
“Okay.”
“How was the castle?”
“Honestly, that place is kind of draining.”
Light chuckled. “Yeah, I can tell.”
She spread three tabloids across her counter.
“Boning Pastelles all weekend would drain anybody.”
“Ugh. Lousy paparazzi.”
“Hey, Luna came by. She wanted to make friends with the love of her Champion’s life.”
“Really? That’s great!”
“She’s fun. I can see why you’re so gaga over her.”
“Yeah. What’d you two get up to?”
“Sorry, that’s between us gals.”
“You look hungover.”
“Yeah. Good weekend.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root stood sentry over the palace’s eastern parapet. It was a cloudy day. He scanned the palace commons and the world outside for trouble. He didn’t see any.
Rainbow Dash hovered over to him. She technically wasn’t allowed to fly over the parapets, but Radish was beyond trying to stop her anymore.
“Hey, uh, Radish?”
“Hello, Rainbow Dash.”
“Could you meet Twilight out back? She needs, uh… could you just meet her out back?”
“Sure.”
Radish went to the palace’s rear commons. Twilight sat huddled on one of the benches off to the side. Her wings were pulled around her body, and her head was drooped over her knees. She looked exhausted.
“Twilight?”
“Oh. Hi.”
“Are you okay?”
She shook her head. He sat down next to her.
“I went back to the human world,” she said, staring at the ground.
“Oh?”
“There were these villains- sirens- spreading dark magic and stirring up hatred. We beat them with music in a Battle of the Bands.”
“That sounds fun.”
“I even figured out how to stabilize the mirror, so anyone could go back or forth at any time.”
“That’s huge!”
“And Flash was there. Once he was free from the dark magic, we got a chance to talk. We talked for hours, actually.”
“Oh?”
“We… he… you see, the two of us, we…”
“Uh…”
“We kissed. It was my first kiss, Radish.”
“Wow, that’s great!”
“I mean, my first real kiss. I know I’ve kissed you, on the cheek-”
“I get it.”
“Not that that wasn’t real!”
“No, I know what you mean.”
“But that was like a fun, princessly thing between friends.”
“Uh huh.”
“With Flash, it was different. It was on the lips. It kept going. It was amazing. Electric. My whole body felt warm.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“Then we opened our mouths slightly, and-”
“I don’t need the details.”
“Well, we ended up making a date.”
“Congrats.”
“But I had to break it. Fluttershy needed my help returning a baby squonk to its mother.”
“Oh, that’s too bad.”
“But we made a new date. There was another school dance coming up.”
Radish waited for her to continue.
“I had to break that, too. Ponyville was in trouble. Worm wizards.”
“I see...”
“It’s not going to work out, is it? I’m too busy. Our lives are too different.”
“Hey, a lot of couples lead really different lives. They make it work. I only see Light on my days off.”
“I don’t even get days off. I don’t want him to just be sitting around, waiting for me. It’s not fair to him.”
“Twi, what are you saying?”
“I think I need to let him go… or really, I need to set him free.”
“But he likes you, right?”
“Yes. And I like him. That’s why I have to end it before I hurt him too much.”
“Twilight, don’t. It’s just logistics. You’re good at figuring out schedules and stuff.”
“I am. And every way I’ve looked at it, every way I’ve mapped out our futures… we don’t have one together. And I know there are a lot of great girls on his side that he’d be happy with.”
“Twilight… you’re worth waiting around for.”
She smiled.
“Radish… thanks for trying. Thanks for encouraging. You’re a good friend. And now I have to be a good friend. I have to tell him to move on. It’s my decision to make, and it’s for the best.”
“I’m sorry.”
He tentatively held out his hooves to hug her. She nodded, and he put them around her. She leaned into him.
“I don’t even know why I’m so upset. I mean, what was I going to do? Stay in the human world with him? Go to human school? Have a human wedding? Have a bunch of human children out of my human… body?”
“You want children?”
“Yes. No. Maybe. I don’t know. That’s the kind of thing you only have to think about when you have a boyfriend.”
Radish’s first instinct was to tell her she’d make a great mother, but that didn’t seem helpful now. He just held her tighter and rubbed the back of her head. She put her head on his chest, and he put his chin on her head.
“I failed with two versions of the same guy. That has to be a record.”
“Come on, neither was your fault.”
“I suppose not.”
“Hey, look,” Radish said, lifting her chin to look her in the eyes. “There’s a guy out there for you. And right now, he doesn’t even realize how happy he’ll be when he finds you.”
“Maybe.”
“Definitely. You’re still the smartest pony I know,” Radish said, touching his hoof to her muzzle. “You’re still cute as a button, tough as nails, and sharp as a tack. You’re a world-saving hero princess who punches villains through mountains. You’re an amazing mare. The guy you end up with will be the luckiest guy in the world.”
Twilight’s wings fluttered a bit. She fidgeted her hooves.
“Hey, Radish…”
“Yeah?”
She looked down.
“If you hadn’t… I mean, could you have… do you think we’d…” she fumbled, trying to get a grip on the idea.
“I see you ending up with a really cool guy,” Radish quickly said. “Like a noble prince, or some legendary wizard.”
“Really?”
“I bet you’ll end up going back in time and marrying Starswirl himself. You know, when he was young and handsome.”
“Starswirl never married.”
“That’s what the history books say because you wrote them that way. You didn’t want your future self to know too much before it was time.”
“Yeah?”
“You teach him everything he knows. And the two of you fight evil as a couple. All the ladies of that age are envious of you, and all the guys are envious of him.”
“But he disappeared.”
“No, the two of you saw a much bigger threat out there, and had to leave our world to fight it. You’re still fighting it now, somewhere across time and space.”
“But I never see my friends and family again? I never see you again?”
“You’ll eventually return to Equestria in its hour of need. You’d never leave us hanging for long.”
“It’s a nice story.”
“You’re destined for greatness, Twilight.”
“I’d never have gotten anywhere without my friends.” She squeezed him. “Any greatness I have comes from knowing them. Including you.”
“Twilight, I’ll find you a guy. I promise.”
“You don’t have to do that,” she said. She yawned.
“I do. You helped me meet Light. It’s only fair, remember?”
“I shouldn’t have put that on you. Friends don’t keep track.”
“How about Joe? He’s good-looking.”
“Yeah? Maybe…”
“My buddy Spats is really smart. Good manners. Very well-groomed.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“We could go back to the café. I’ll be your wingpony.”
“Hmm.”
Radish felt her body get heavier. He looked down at her. She was sleeping against him. He shifted, trying to give her a more comfortable position. She made a contented sigh, and her full weight rested on him.
He sat there with her for a few minutes. Her closed eyelids twitched. Occasionally, her wing would spasm. A few ponies going about the palace regarded them and smiled before going on their way. Radish could tell from a shadow on the ground that Rainbow Dash had flown over them to check, but quickly sped away.
“Radish…” Twilight muttered through her sleep.
He looked at her, not knowing if he should answer.
“…can’t tell Radish…” she said, almost whispering.
Well, that could mean anything , he thought.
“…cutie marks…”
Radish’s heart twisted. He looked around, then leaned and whispered into her ear.
“What about cutie marks?”
Twilight let out a soft snore. Radish leaned back and sighed. After a few more minutes, he could feel her body tense, then fidget. She made a fearful whine under her breath.
“No… stop!”
Her legs kicked in panic. Radish was at a loss, wondering if it was his job to protect a princess from a nightmare. He looked up at Luna’s tower. She only patrolled dreams at night- she was asleep now, unavailable to do anything about a mid-day nightmare.
“Please stop!” Twilight moaned.
Would Luna tell Radish to interfere and wake her up? Or let her handle her own nightmare?
Then, Twilight started to cry. She sobbed into Radish, as if being tormented. Radish had had enough. He hugged Twilight with just a little too much pressure, and she shuddered awake. She lifted her head and looked around, confused, then looked up at Radish’s face. Her eyes were red and her facial fur was wet.
“Oh… sorry,” she mumbled. “Didn’t mean to hold you up.”
“No worries. Are you okay?”
“Yeah, just a weird dream.”
“Okay.”
“You can let me go now.”
“Okay.”
Radish released her. She stumbled off the bench.
“I’ll see you later, okay?” she said. She looked around the commons, as if trying to remember the way out of the palace.
“Okay.”
She walked away. Radish frowned.
The Only Mark That Matters
Barrel Roller leaned forward across her desk at Twilight Sparkle and Cadance.
“Princess Sparkle, Princess Cadance. Request denied.”
“Captain, please,” Twilight said. “This could be important.”
“You know what’s also pretty important? A princess. You know what’s more important than one princess? Two princesses. And I’m not letting two princesses down into a dangerous abandoned mine where they almost died the last time.”
“We wouldn’t be going in without proper precautions.”
“You said you don’t know what you’ll encounter there. That means you don’t know what the proper precautions are.”
“Okay, true. But we can take a broad number of reasonable precautions based on our best estimate of what we expect.”
“And what do you expect, again? Chrysalis’s ghost?”
“Not a ghost, but an afterimage,” said Cadance. “When Chrysalis held me in the mines, she projected her image into the crystal walls to taunt me. She did the same to Twilight, too. But not even she knew the full power of those crystals. We think a copy of her magical essence could have been trapped in those crystals. It’s still down there, and it’s plotting something.”
“What are you basing this on?”
“I fell asleep on palace grounds,” said Twilight. “The image of her attacked me in my dreams. It was just like back during the wedding- it had Cadance’s face and voice, but twisted and cruel.”
“When was this?”
“Three days ago.”
“In the late afternoon? In the back commons? When you were held tight in Root's warm embrace?”
“Hey!”
Cadance smiled.
“Captain,” Cadance said, “after she told me about it, I tested it, as well. I slept here in the palace, and it attacked me in my dreams, just like it did her.”
“What exactly does it do in your dreams?”
“Awful things,” said Twilight, shuddering. “It insults us. It shows us terrifying imagery. Tries to break our spirits.”
“So Luna can confirm this?”
“Well… no,” said Cadance.
“No?”
“I had Luna watch over my dreams when I slept here. She says she couldn’t even find my dream bubble. It’s like the entity can hide from her power.”
“And that alone tells me to keep you away from it.”
“That alone should tell you we need to remove it!” said Twilight.
“How do you even plan to eliminate this entity?” asked Barrel Roller. “You can’t just destroy every crystal down there.”
“The same thing that beat the real Chrysalis- a blast of love,” said Cadance.
“So Shining Armor is coming in for this?”
“No. We don’t like to leave the Crystal Empire without at least one of us at all times.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. But the love between sisters-in-law is powerful, too,” Twilight said, smiling at Cadance.
“It’s been years since the wedding. Why is it just revealing itself now?”
“That’s something we can only find out if we confront it,” Twilight said.
“What’s the worst it can do?”
“That, we don’t know,” Cadance admitted. “We don’t know everything Chrysalis is capable of under normal circumstances, and we don’t know everything those ancient crystals can do. We have no idea what kind of interactions the two could have together. But if it can reach into the minds of ponies sleeping in the palace, there’s no telling what else it could do.”
“All the more reason not to go in there yourselves. I’ll send in a taskforce to ascertain the risk.”
“Please, we can’t risk the lives of other ponies on our behalf!” said Twilight.
“That’s literally what guards are for, your highness.”
“I know, and I hate that more every day.”
“Look, the way I see it, you’ve got a few options. You can either pull rank on me and do what you want in spite of my disapproval…”
“We don’t want to do that,” said Twilight. “We respect your authority and the trust Princess Celestia has put in you.”
“You can go in with the Element of Harmony jewels…”
“We can’t. They have to stay where they are.”
“You can get Discord to make himself useful for once…”
“He, uh, already said no.”
“Or you can let a fully-outfitted and escorted palace survey team go in, and let somepony else do something around here for a change.”
“Captain!” Twilight said. “I’m just not comfortable with that! We need to be in there!”
“You mean, you don’t think a bunch of puny non-alicorns can accomplish anything?”
“Hey!”
“Captain, it’s not like that,” said Cadance. “Chrysalis created that projection to mock us. It may only show itself if we show ourselves. That’s probably why Celestia or Luna haven’t detected it- it’s got a personal grudge against us two.”
“Look, you’ve got me, let’s say, sufficiently worried about this thing. If you want to go down there, you do it on my terms. You’re taking every pony I recommend on this. That includes multiple magic specialists, medic backup, experts on mining and crystallography, and above all, guards. Lots and lots of guards. You get in, you blast it, you get out.”
“We accept,” Twilight said.
“You want Root for this?”
“Oh, Radish? I mean, I understand if he’s busy with his own duties or training…”
“He’s supposed to be. But he always seems to get wrapped up in your… circumstances, doesn’t he?”
“I suppose,” Twilight said. “Wait, that hasn’t put him at odds with his superiors, has it?”
“Let’s just say his name comes across my desk far more often than any other guard I’ve ever commanded.”
“Well, maybe he has some special destiny.”
“Yeah, I bet he’s the next princess.”
Twilight smiled. “We’ll take him. And he comes out of there an alicorn, I’ll buy you a nougat bar.”
Barrel Roller narrowed her eyes.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root stood nervously at the edge of a chasm deep in Canterlot’s mines, gripping a war hammer. He peeked down into the void, but couldn’t see its bottom. He looked up, and saw a ceiling of stalactites hanging precariously overhead. He checked to see if the mace strapped to his side was still there.
Barrel Roller had told the guards that the enemy in the cave might be crystalline in nature, so she assigned them blunt weapons for smashing instead of their standard spears and swords. They were given a day to train with them.
Each guard was also wearing helmets with safety visors, in case some of those smashed crystals flew into their faces. Radish’s breath was fogging up his visor.
Twilight and Cadance were deeper into the mine with a whole slew of experts, bent on determining what was going on down there. Radish was posted near the exit back to the surface.
“I’m sure those two can beat this thing,” Spats said. He stood by Radish, examining his war hammer.
“I should be by their side.”
“Why?”
“I’m their friend.”
“Come on, Radish. They’ll probably have an epic magic duel with the thing down there. Beam versus beam. Fireballs flying everywhere.”
“Guards are supposed to take fireballs for princesses.”
“Twilight eats fireballs for breakfast, Rad. I heard Tirek punched her through a mountain, and it only ticked her off.”
“She was magically boosted at the time. She’s vulnerable now. I just wish I knew what was taking so long.”
“You know Twilight. Probably lecturing the thing about how wonderful friendship is. Telling it all about her years in Ponyville. They’ll come out besties. Maybe sing a song. Then-”
A thunderous blast rocked the cavern. Radish and his fellow guards stumbled, clinging to their weapons for support. Stalactites broke from the ceiling and crashed around them. The scaffoldings anchored to the walls broke from their moorings and collapsed to the cave floor. A cloud of dust flooded the air.
“Everyone, report! Sound off!” called Jono, the zebra colonel in command of the taskforce.
The taskforce all reported in. Skittery, the pegasus guard, flew over to the colonel.
“Sir, the way further in has collapsed! The princesses are cut off down there without support!”
Radish galloped over to the collapsed passageway. A debris pile of rocks and crystal shards filled the tunnel. He reached for a huge crystal.
“Don’t!” called Boulder Dash, a mining expert. “It’s too unstable! That’ll bring down more!”
“Then what do we do?” cried Radish.
Colonel Jono took an elevated position.
“All right, listen up. Skittery, fly topside and report. No time for subtlety. We need the other big horns now.”
Sure, thought Radish. Let’s risk all four princesses in the same hole. Put Blueblood in charge of the kingdom.
“Shipshape, Shatterpoint, start scanning that mess. Boulder Dash, examine the cavern’s stability. The rest of you, stay alert. That Chrysalis afterimage might be through here any minute.
“Sir,” said Boulder Dash, tapping on a cave wall with his ear to the rock, “I’m detecting a vein of starcium in this wall. It’s… oh no. Sir, it goes deep in every direction.”
“And?”
“And it’s magic-unstable. The right spell… that is to say, the wrong spell, could detonate it. Worse than dynamite.”
“There’s no record of something like that down here,” the colonel said.
“I agree, sir. It shouldn’t be here. It shouldn’t be occurring in a mountain like this one.”
“Could that afterimage thing have created it?” asked Radish.
“Possible, major,” said Lieutenant Shatterpoint, casting a wide scanning beam over the caves. “The spell Chrysalis used to dump Twilight Sparkle into these caves would have passed her through hundreds of meters of rock. If she added transmutative elements to the spell… sweet heavens. She used the magic in Twilight’s own body as a stir stick, spreading a transmutation spell as Twilight fell through the rock.”
Boulder Dash thought about it.
“If it started producing starcium during the wedding… based on the pattern… sir, this vein could go through the entire mountain, from the base to the peak. That means the entire city could be blown to dust.”
“And more!” called Lieutenant Shipshape. “The blast would flatten Ponyville at the very least, and the dust cloud would blanket the next ten towns over!”
“This must have been her backup plan,” the colonel mused. “If she couldn’t take Equestria for herself, she’d destroy it.”
“Well, well. The peons have two brain cells to rub together after all.”
The largest crystal in the jumbled pile glowed to life. The image of Cadance appeared on its facets, sneering. The colonel stepped up to it.
“Chrysalis's echo, I presume?”
“If you say so. She didn’t give me a name.”
“What do you want?”
“To torment Twilight and Cadance. That’s the only reason I exist. And now that I have them, I get to torture them for the rest of their lives… which won’t be very long.”
“And why’s that?” asked the colonel.
“The starcium is finally ready! All I need is the ignition- and that’s those two princesses. When they break, their despair will feed me enough power to detonate this mountain!”
“You’ll be destroyed too, then.”
“So what?”
“It sounds like Chrysalis has screwed you over, as well. Free the princesses. You’ll get to survive.”
“Even if surviving interested me, there’s no unblocking this cave now.”
Skittery returned.
“Sir, the exit’s collapsed. There’s no communication with the outside.”
“Oh well. Guess you’ll die, too,” the image said with a shrug. “Now, which one of you is named Radish?”
Radish looked at his colonel, who nodded. He stepped forward.
“I’m Radish.”
“I’ve got Twilight trapped in a nightmare. And she’s crying out your name. It’s pretty funny.”
“Let her go.”
“No.”
“I’ll take her place.”
“I don’t care about you. Her pain feeds me.”
“You were made by a monster who left you down here in the dark to get blown up. You don’t owe a thing to Chrysalis.”
“She gave me a purpose. Who else gets to go out fulfilling their purpose in life?”
“You don’t have to let others define your purpose. You can chart your own. I did.”
“Funny talk, coming from a soldier. How many orders have you obeyed today?”
“I chose this life. I chose to take orders all day so I could help those who matter to me. Tell me, if you could choose a life, what would it be?”
“You’re talking nonsense. Why would I choose anything other than torturing Twilight and Cadance? It feels perfect. Cadance is close to breaking now. I’m showing her an image of her husband, lying dead at her feet. You know what? I think I’ll show Twilight an image of you, Radish, lying dead at hers.”
“They won’t fall for this. They’re smarter than that. They’re smarter than you.”
“Oh, I can feel it. They’re losing hope by the second. They have so very little left. Think how amazing it will be once they give into despair.”
Radish leaned close. “Listen… we can help you. We can save you. You can join us aboveground.”
The afterimage narrowed her eyes. “Why? What’s up there?”
“The sun, for starters. Singing birds, a fresh breeze, music… stuff Chrysalis never wanted you to enjoy.”
“No. Now I’m showing each one a vision of the other, burning. They’re screaming .”
“Hey, look. You were down here alone for years, right? I know what it’s like to feel alone.”
“I don’t care.”
“I was alone a lot as a kid. Then I chose a job that would let me be alone. But I didn’t stay alone. It’s when you’re most alone that you’re in the best position to make a friend.”
“I don’t want friends.”
“I’ll be your friend. Your first friend. I’ll take you topside. I’ll show you the lake. We can catch a movie. You’d like movies. Some are scary.”
Behind the broken scaffolding, the rest of the taskforce met in a huddle.
“Sir,” said Boulder Dash, “the passage is clearable. A standard dig-and-support maneuver. But it’ll take time, and we can’t act with that thing in the way. We don’t know what it’s capable of.”
“Then Root had better move that thing,” said Colonel Jono.
“What’s a lake?” the image asked Radish.
“Oh, a lake? It’s like that pond down there, but bigger,” Radish replied, pointing to a watery crevasse a few meters to his left.
“What’s a pond? I can’t see down there.”
“Here, let me show you.”
Radish bent down to pick up the crystal. As he touched it, a green flame enveloped his hooves and spread across his body.
“Gotcha!” she laughed.
Radish’s sight went dark. He turned on the flashlight pinned to his chestplate, but the beam struck nothing.
“You’re right, Radish,” said the echo’s voice from the darkness. “I can make choices for myself. And now that you’ve made contact with me, I can choose to torture you . This is a big step for me. My first bit of free agency. The first victim I chose all by myself.”
“Listen, you don’t have to do this. We can be friends.”
“Sir, that thing has Root!” whispered a guard to the colonel.
They peeked from behind the scaffold. Radish and the crystal were wreathed in green flame. Radish was frozen with his hooves on the crystal.
“We’ve got these,” said Spats, hefting his war hammer. “Could we just smash her?”
“No,” said Noctiluca, a palace crystallographer. “She’d be in every shard of it. Anyone gets a shard on them- they get her on them, too. She could get into their minds, just like Root’s.”
“That may be a good thing, though,” said Static Snow, a palace mage. “Then her attention would be divided between multiple ponies. She’d be too distracted to notice anyone working on the tunnel.”
“Most likely she’d just ignore anyone else,” said Spats. “Rad’s the only one here who knows the princesses personally. The thing probably hates him because they like him.”
“Radish…” called Twilight, weakly.
Radish turned to see her on the ground, burned and bleeding. Her wings were plucked and broken. Her horn was snapped off at its base.
Radish galloped up to her. He held her.
“Help… me…” she gurgled.
“I know this isn’t real!” Radish called. “I know this isn’t her! Piece of advice- if you’re going to torment someone with illusions, don’t tell them you can do it beforehand!”
“That’s her, all right,” called the echo’s voice from the darkness. “She’s really hurt and dying on the ground behind all that rubble. I’m just letting you two see each other one last time before the end.”
“Hey, ‘real’ Twilight. Where did we meet?” asked Radish.
The broken Twilight looked up into Radish's eyes.
“By… Shining’s office. I was… so mean to you…," she whimpered.
Radish's heart dropped into his gut.
"Twilight?"
She went limp in his hooves. He hugged her. She was cold.
"The flames are growing!" said Noctiluca. "If that thing feeds on misery, Root's must be rising! He could detonate the mountain any second!"
Colonel Jono stood up from behind the scaffolding. The thing took no notice. He left the cover and walked over to Radish, still trapped in his trance.
“I want to talk to you, missy,” he said to the entity.
Nothing responded. The crystal in Radish's hooves was blank. Jono made a gesture to the rest of the taskforce. They knew what to do.
The taskforce sprang into action. A confluence of magical auras spread across the cavern. Hooves cleared away rubble. Scaffolding was cleared, rebuilt, and moved to support the ceiling.
The team burst into the lower chamber and found Twilight and Cadance on the ground, covered in small shards of crystals and surrounded by the same green flames. Pegasus wings blew the shards and their flames away.
“Wha… what happened?” moaned Twilight, waking up. Her face was wet with tears and her throat was dry. Cadance sat up beside her, shivering. Medics rushed to check both out.
“Twilight… I saw you dead,” said Cadance, shaking. “And Shining!”
The sisters-in-law hugged each other.
“Me too,” said Twilight. “I saw you, and Shining… and Radish, too.”
She looked at the taskforce.
“Wait, where is he?”
“The enemy got distracted by a new plaything,” said Jono. “Come on.”
The group returned to the upper cavern. The guards, using the same dig-and-support maneuver, started to work on clearing the passage back to the surface. Radish and the crystal were still bound and surrounded by the fire. Neither reacted to the ponies around them.
“Radish!” cried Twilight.
“It’s got his claws into him good,” said the colonel. “It seems more fixated on him than you two.”
“Why? What was he doing?” asked Cadance.
“Trying to befriend it, apparently.”
“What? Oh, Radish,” said Twilight, looking at his face. “Ready, Cadance?”
“Ready.”
They dipped their horns together, and an expanding wave of pink flooded the room. The crystal gripping Radish turned gray and crumbled into dust, while its emerald flames blew out. Radish shook his head, gasping for air. Twilight hugged him.
“What? Twilight? Cadance?” he said, holding his head. “Are you two… real?”
“We’re real, Radish,” said Cadance.
“Prove it.”
"Remember what you said on the bench?" asked Twilight, holding him tightly. "I'd come back in your hour of need. I'd never leave you hanging."
Radish rested his chin on her shoulder. Her scent was familiar. "Yeah. I was right."
“We underestimated this entity. If we had tried to do this alone, we’d be dead,” said Cadance.
“And Canterlot would have been blown sky-high,” said Spats.
“What?” said Twilight, turning to him.
“Chrysalis left another surprise down here. A massive vein of starcium,” said Boulder Dash.
“Starcium?” Twilight cried. “That could destroy Canterlot and the next ten towns!”
“We’ve got a lot of work to do to dispose of it,” said Shipshape. “But you two were the detonators. It won’t blow today, at least.”
Skittery flew back to them.
“We’ve got the exit opened!”
“Right. We’re leaving,” Jono said. “I want everypony out of here. And I want everyone who was in here quarantined until they get cleared by Magical Decontamination. We don’t want any lingering curses following us home. Princesses and Root, you three go first since it actually touched you.”
“Good idea,” said Twilight. “And everypony… thank you.”
Twilight and Cadance bowed humbly to their escorts.
Dr. Gamma, the palace’s physician mage, cast a glowing cone of light over Radish. It tickled him all over. He tried to hold in the laugh. She looked in his eyes, ears, nostrils and mouth. She sniffed his mane.
“No traces of spell residue. No dark magic detected. Some dandruff.”
Her aide wrote this down on a form on her clipboard. Dr. Gamma put her ear to Radish’s chest.
“No prophetic whispers emanating from his heart.”
Her aide checked a box on the form.
Dr. Gamma looked down. She cast another glowing cone. Radish held his breath.
“No venereal hexes.”
She moved him onto his side and held several color swatches next to his coat and mane. She had the aide read off their official color designations from his medical records while she compared them.
“No change in pigmentation.”
She looked over his cutie mark. She held an old photo of it next to it for comparison. Then, she compared color swatches to it, as well.
“Okay, we’ll start with Radish. The little one, I mean. First, his coat…”
Radish sighed while the doctor and her assistant checked every color his cutie mark featured, which, owing to Celestia being on it, was a lot of colors. His fake radish cutie marks had by now faded to nothing.
“No discrepancies in coloration. Though, the real Celestia’s tongue is a different shade of pink.”
“Oh?” asked Radish. “I’ve never compared them.”
“Major, I’m giving you a clean bill of magical health. If you turn evil and try to take over the palace, that’s on you.”
“Thanks. I won’t.”
“Go to the Recovery Room. Princesses Twilight Sparkle and Mi Amore Cadenza have also been cleared. They want to talk to you.”
“Okay.”
Radish left the Magical Decontamination office and entered the Recovery Room. Only Twilight and Cadance were inside, resting on large couches and reading magazines. They stood to meet him.
“Hi,” he said.
Twilight hugged him. “I am so, so sorry for dragging you into that nightmare. Figuratively and literally!”
“Guards protect princesses,” Radish said, patting her on her withers.
“But princesses should be less reckless,” replied Twilight.
“We took all the precautions we could have. And we had to get that thing out of the caverns one way or another,” Radish said. “I’m sorry I couldn’t, you know, redeem or befriend it.”
Twilight smiled.
“Sounds like we’re starting to rub off on you. Don’t worry, Radish. It wasn’t really alive. It was a shadow of a spell stuck in a loop. A mock intelligence running on hate and cruelty. It had no room for growth.”
“I wish I knew that before I touched it.”
“Radish,” said Cadance. “By touching that thing, you provided the distraction that saved everyone in the cave. It ignored the rest of the taskforce while it focused its hatred on you.”
“Can we tell everyone that was my plan from the beginning?”
The princesses laughed.
“Is there anything else I can do for you two?” Radish asked.
“Yes,” said Twilight. “You can hold still. Cadance?”
Cadance stepped in front of Radish, smiling down at him. She tossed her mane back and cleared her throat.
“Major Radish Root. You acted with bravery and selflessness, in heroic rescue of your princess. Thus, I bestow upon you this favor.”
She kissed his cheek.
“Aw, geez,” Radish said, touching his cheek and blushing. “I never see that coming.”
“That’s all four of us now, isn’t it?” Twilight teased.
“I should quit while I’m ahead,” Radish said.
“Don’t you dare,” said Cadance.
Barrel Roller stared at a pile of papers on her desk. A nougat bar landed in front of her. She looked up.
“You know these things are hard to find around here? I had to go to the snack bar in the bowling alley,” said Twilight, entering the office with Cadance.
Barrel Roller raised an eyebrow.
“He didn’t quite come out a princess. But he was instrumental in saving us down there.”
“But so were all the others,” said Cadance. “I’d like everypony who went down there with us to receive a commendation. They all acted heroically. They saved us, the palace, the city, and the next ten towns over.”
“I’ve been reading the reports. I’m glad you got that thing. It could take decades to get all the starcium out of this mountain. But it has quite a few uses, it turns out- medical, industrial, alchemical. Who knows? Maybe ol’ Chrissy did us a favor.”
“I’m glad some good came out of this, then,” Twilight said.
“Oh, and about Root… I know we had a laugh over this, but I’ve got to ask you- does he have some kind of… magical destiny thing? Should I be doing something different with him?”
Twilight and Cadance looked at each other.
“I just don’t know,” Twilight said. “Princess Celestia told him once that his marks are leading him on a unique path…”
“But isn’t that true of everypony?” asked Barrel Roller.
“I guess so. But the path you’ve got him on seems to work for everyone. I don’t think we should mess with it.”
“Frankly, I’m not sure what the paths are anymore. It’s hard to gauge a guard’s merits now with this ‘Friendship Paradigm' in place. Is it more laudable for him to toss someone in jail, or befriend them? Should he be better at throwing spears, or giving hugs? And with the number of times he’s been ordered around directly by princesses instead of me , frankly, he doesn’t seem like my guard sometimes.”
“I’m sorry,” said Twilight. “I didn’t know our actions out there were making things hard for the Royal Guard. But I’m still learning about Friendship, as well. We’re all having to learn about it together. But I promise it will be worth it.”
“Well, take your time,” shrugged Barrel Roller. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Spats exited the medical wing of the palace. Radish was waiting for him.
“Spats, how are you?”
“Fit as a fiddle and clean as a whistle. No mean old changeling echoes hiding in my colon. How are you? You gave us a scare, what with that malevolent essence devouring you in conflagration of green fire and all.”
“I’m fine, Spats. Clean bill of magical health.”
“Fantastic. Too bad we didn’t get to use the war hammers. They usually just gather dust.”
“Well, some day.”
“How are Purple and Pink?”
“They’re fine, too,” said Radish. “That thing really had it out for them.”
“And you. Once that thing knew you were buds with Twilight, it went full psycho on you. Ever regret becoming her pen pal?”
Radish touched his cheek, which had now felt the lips of four princesses. “Not one bit.”
Twilight helped Cadance pack her bags in her palace guest room, telekinetically folding her clothes into suitcases and piling them on a porter’s trolley.
“Thanks for coming and helping with this. That could have been a disaster,” Twilight said.
“Celestia chooses her staff well,” said Cadance. “I only hope I’m half as good at choosing mine.”
“Yes. I guess sometimes we forget that the ponies who work here every day are the cream of the crop. I won’t be forgetting that again. I should journal that, actually.”
“Twilight, could we talk about something?”
“What?”
Cadance magically closed and locked the door. She sat on the bed and motioned for her sister-in-law to sit with her.
“Twilight, when we used our spell against the entity, I was fueling it with my love for family. You, Shining, Celestia, Luna, Spike. But in that moment, I could feel the love you were focusing on, too.”
“I was focusing on my love for my family, too. But also my friends. They’ve always been a source of strength for me.”
“But the love you were feeling for one friend in particular was… noticeably more powerful. In fact, it was the strongest of all.”
“Cadance, please. It’s not like that.”
“Twilight, I could feel what it was like. So could the entity. It tried to break me with visions of Shining. It showed you a vision of Radish.”
“Then it was just misinterpreting my feelings. I've only ever felt that way for Flash, and the way I feel about Radish is totally different from that."
She wrapped herself in her wings and gave a nostalgic smile. "When I was with Flash, I wanted to kiss him- passionately. But it's not like that with Radish. We hug all the time, and I’ve never felt a desire to take it further than that. I’d be content to just hug him for hours. I could hug him all day, even. Maybe forever. Oh..."
Twilight looked into Cadance's eyes. "I guess I'm the one who was misinterpreting my feelings, huh?"
Cadance nodded, smiling. "There are many forms of love, Twilight. Your love for Flash was a fire sparked by a bolt of lightning. But your love for Radish is one of my favorites- a friendship that's grown so warm that it's reached its natural ignition point."
“It doesn’t matter. He’s with someone. I'm practically the reason they met."
"I know. I'm sorry. That's the hard part of my talent- sometimes two hearts that would fit well together just aren't in sync at the same time. But you must know how he feels about you, don't you?"
"Yes. It's a powerful love, too. But it’s platonic. Protective. Brotherly, even.”
“And that’s not something to be taken lightly, Twilight. You’re lucky- I didn’t get to grow up with a brother, and now you have three.”
Twilight hugged her. "You always know how to make me feel better. Thanks. I promise I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will.”
“Hmm. Brother Radish. That means I’ll soon have a Sister Light, I guess. Yikes.”
“What do you mean?”
“You couldn’t feel it?”
“Hey, Spats, could you help me with something outside the palace today?” Radish asked as they walked back to the guard barracks.
“What’s up?”
“Can you help me pick out a ring?”
Spats stopped walking. He threw his hooves around Radish and hugged him tightly.
“I thought you’d never ask.”
“Geez, Spats.”
“I promise you, I’ll make you happy.”
“Okay, Spats.”
“We’ll get her the classiest ring your meager budget can afford.”
“I’ve been saving up.”
“I know, pal. I know.”
“Actually, I just realized. Rarity digs up her own gems for free. Maybe I should talk to her first.”
Spats looked hurt.
“Rad, Rarity is… nice. But she can’t do for you what I can. Have you seen her fall line? I think she might be going colorblind. I don’t mean that as an insult, just as a concern. Also, kind of as an insult.”
“You two have never met, have you? I think you might hit it off.”
“We have and we did not .”
The Only Mark That Matters
“What do you think of these, Spats?” Radish asked.
The two were in a downtown department store, examining rings in display counters. They had been there for quite some time.
“These are for unicorns, Rad. See how they’re tapered for a horn?”
“We’re here to get ideas, not to buy. What about that jewel?”
“Now, what about that jewel says, ‘Light Fantastic’ to you?”
“It’s the same color as her coat.”
“Which means it’ll just blend in,” noted Spats. “You want an opposite color so it will stand out.”
“Colors have opposites?”
Spats took a deep breath. “Yes, Radish. Colors have opposites.”
“Huh.”
Spats noticed a stationery counter. “Hey, we can get a start on invitations while we’re here.”
“Bit early for that. I don’t even know if she’ll say yes.”
“Of course she’ll say yes. What’s the matter with you?”
“She’s, you know, non-traditional. She might not see the point in marriage.”
“She’ll say yes, Rad. She’d be an idiot not to lock you down.”
“Thanks, Spats.”
They looked through a book of wedding invitation templates. Radish felt sicker with each page turned. A clerk approached them.
“Hi! Any questions?”
“All these invitations… they all have the couples’ cutie marks right on front,” said Radish.
“That’s right.”
“Are there any that… don’t?”
She seemed confused by this. She took the book and flipped through it.
“Hmm, not seeing any. It’s the common thing to do. And not just for invitations, you usually have the couples' marks on everything- banners, table placards, gift bags...”
“What if your mark doesn’t… show up well in print?” Radish asked.
“Oh, our printers are the best. We can get the finest details, and any color you need. What’s your cutie mark?”
“I…”
“But you can use alternatives, right?” asked Spats. “My buddy here’s a royal guard- he could use their emblem if he wanted to, right?”
“Sure. We’ve done that. But for their special day, most ponies really want it to be about them personally, you know?”
Radish saw a list of their print shop’s rules in the front of the book. He read one near the bottom and frowned.
“What’s this?”
“Oh, a morality clause. This one couple thought it would be funny to make invitations full of profanity and lewd descriptions. It got us into trouble, so the company put a ban on anything obscene.”
“Thank you, miss,” said Radish, closing the book. “I need more time.”
“No problem.”
Radish walked away and slumped on a bench. Spats sat next to him.
“I can’t even give her real wedding invitations, Spats.”
“Come on, that’s one printer out of dozens in town. Light’s got a hundred artsy friends who could make invitations for you.”
“And just mail my mark to all our friends and family?”
“Everypony who’s important to you knows about it. Nopony cares.”
“I don’t want hundreds of pictures of my mark out there in print. PC shouldn’t have to deal with that.”
“She’d be happy for you.”
“She deserves better. I’m not going to distribute obscene pictures of Celestia just because I want guests at my wedding.”
“So use the Guard emblem, or that radish you had.”
“That’s just hiding who I am, and everyone will know it.”
“Then make invitations without any marks at all.”
“And just throw out Fanny’s mark because mine can’t be seen? Hers is nice- it should be seen.”
“Rad, you’re letting one little piece of paper get to you. This is the least important part of your wedding.”
“It’s not just that, Spats.”
“What, then?”
“I’m just tired of them, Spats. It’s one of the most basic things about a pony, and it’s all complicated for me and I don’t know why. No one knows why. It’s like growing up with a name no one can pronounce.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how to help.”
“You’ve been great, Spats. I just wish things could be different.”
Radish Root slept over at Light Fantastic’s house whenever he could, which wasn’t often. He slept there tonight. Light sighed contentedly, feeling his hooves around her. He breathed softly into the back of her neck.
She could have lain like that forever, except the several glasses of wine she drank earlier were done with her. She slipped out of Radish’s caress and used her bathroom.
On her way back, she stumbled in the dark on Radish’s saddle bags. She cut her curse short so as not to wake him. As they flopped over, some of their contents spilled out onto the carpet. She bent low to put it all back.
She saw a scrap of paper crammed full of notes. She knew better than to read something from a guard’s belongings- it could be state secrets.
But it had her name on it.
She glanced up at Radish and confirmed he was still sleeping soundly. She moved the paper over to where rays of light from slits in her blinds were illuminating lines on her floor. She read the paper.
Her heart beat faster.
Radish had sketched out plans for designing a custom ring- a ring made to be worn on a wing metacarpal, between primary feathers, the place where pegasi wear engagement rings.
He had written a list of possibilities for messages to engrave inside it. Some were simply their names. Some were short sayings about love, and he had scratched out a few that were too dorky even for him.
He had written down numerous ideas for gemstones, precious metals, and fittings, trying out various combinations. At the bottom of the page was Rarity’s contact information. He was going to ask her to build it for him. He had even put down a price he was willing to pay her. It was high.
She gazed up at Radish’s sleeping body. He looked so happy. Light put the paper back in his bag and set it upright again. She climbed back into bed with Radish and pulled his hooves back over her. Her heart beat so fast she could feel the blood racing under her face.
Radish softly whispered in his sleep. Light’s heart froze solid. She knew that tone. She knew what was coming next. It used to make her laugh.
“Mmm… Celestia .”
Light didn’t laugh this time. She curled herself under her bedsheet, pondering her future.
The Only Mark That Matters
“Hey, Radish, there you are,” said Shoofly, finding Radish trotting off the training field.
“What’s up, Shoofly?”
“There’s something you… uh… well, see, I heard this rumor…”
“I think I can guess what it is.”
“Oh. I guess you’ve probably heard it a lot by now.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, I just wanted you to know. We all just… you know, we’d all support you if you did it. Or if you didn’t do it. Either way.”
“Thanks. I appreciate that.”
“Would you ever actually do it?”
“I just don’t know.”
“Would you actually do it?” Hazy Shade asked Light Fantastic.
“I just don’t know, Hazy Shade.”
Light sat back in a booth at Bold Roast’s, holding a pint of mead in her hooves. It was warm now.
“I don’t want to tell you how to live your life,” said Hazy Shade, “but ever since you started seeing Radish, you’ve seemed, you know, happier.”
“Really? It’s noticeable?”
“It’s a bunch of little things. You used to get so pissed off whenever Splash Page started giving his takes on comic book stuff. Now you just sort of shrug and let it go.”
“I mean, he’s always going to be wrong, so why bother getting worked up?”
“And Underglaze has a huge exhibition coming up. Before, you’d be all grumpy that he’s getting so much attention for his cube things. I haven’t heard you complain once.”
“Well, there are worse things in Canterlot than Underglaze’s cubes. I still don’t get the appeal. Are you saying dating Radish has chilled me out?”
“I think so.”
“Is that such a good thing? Happy ponies make for boring artists.”
“Then you think marrying him would make you happy?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, why wouldn’t it?”
“Then you want to.”
Light Fantastic fidgeted with the glass of mead in her hooves. She looked at the café’s lights reflecting in its surface, staring at them until they taxed her retinas and she closed her eyes, seeing the red and blue afterimages in the darkness.
“I want to, Hazy.”
“Wow. That’s huge.”
“But there’s… a problem.”
“Oh no. What?”
She opened her eyes, and looked at Hazy Shade, sullenly.
“Her.”
“Her? Her who?”
“Her. ”
“Oh, her? That’s a problem?”
“Yes.”
“Well, what can you do about her?”
“I have to at least talk to her.”
“Yeesh. And say what?”
She swallowed her mead in one gulp. She made a short chuckle.
“Oh, whatever you’re imagining, it’s going to be a lot worse.”
Princess Celestia sat regally on her throne, flanked by two high-ranking guards and her court stenographer, Cricket. She was nearing the end of her petitions session for the day, during which any Equestrian citizen could stand before her with questions or concerns about how the kingdom was run. She had just finished with a builder who had complaints about gazebo regulations, and now checked her schedule to see what was next.
“Next on the docket… oh! Hello, Light Fantastic!”
Light Fantastic calmly stepped forward into the center of the throne room. She bowed.
“Hello, Princess Celestia. Good day to you.”
“It says here you’d like to lodge a complaint about Midtown weather scheduling?”
“No, your highness, that was just a lie to get in here. I needed to talk to you about something personal.”
The guards raised their eyebrows and tightened their grips on their spears. Cricket stopped typing.
“Ma’am, should I…?”
“Just a moment, Cricket. Light, what is it?”
Light Fantastic lifted her head and looked Princess Celestia in the eyes.
“Please have sex with Rad.”
Celestia buried her face in her hooves. The guards relaxed. Cricket stared at her stenograph.
“Ma’am, should I…?”
“Continue transcribing, Cricket. This needs to be on the official record for once.”
Celestia cleared her throat. “First of all, no. And second, I thought we were all past this.”
“I thought so, too. But I think he’s about to ask me to marry him.”
The guards smiled. Cricket smiled. Celestia looked surprised, then smiled, as well.
“That’s wonderful. Congratulations!”
“But that means he’s giving up on having sex with you.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”
“But he has to. It’s his cutie mark. I don’t know how or why, but it’s his destiny. I can’t deny him that. I can’t let him go his whole life wondering what could have been.”
“Light, Radish has moved on. He’s over me.”
“He says he is. But he still dreams about you, you know. He says your name in his sleep.”
“I know. He told me. But dreams are just fantasies, Light. You’re his reality. You’re who he chooses to wake up to.”
“But he’s just settling for me. Remember Sky? She made him come here to pursue you, even though she was falling for him. I used to think that was stupid of her- that if you love someone, you’d never let them go.”
Light touched her face. Her eyes were tearing up.
“But that’s not how love works, is it? Love is selfless. It means you want what’s best for them, even if it’s someone else. And I love him so much. Please, just one night with him. Just one hour, even.”
Celestia looked aside. “I cannot do that, Light.”
“Don’t you want to see what will happen when you finally have sex with him? The whole world’s been curious about it for years. You can put an end to this big mystery.”
“I’m not going to have sex with someone just to see what happens.”
“Please. You know how your face looks on them, right? Doesn’t it look amazing? Don’t you want that?”
“Light, I’m a hundred times his age.”
“Big whoop! You’re that much older than everyone!”
“I knew him as a child!”
“For like five minutes! Then he grew up. And he grew up handsome. Don’t you think he’s good-looking?”
Cricket looked up at Celestia, waiting for her next line. Celestia sighed.
“You don’t know what you’re asking of me, Light. It won’t fix any problems, it will only make new ones.”
“Please. He’s good at it. He’s muscular. Powerful. But he can be really gentle! He’s a cuddler. And when he holds you, you feel so safe and warm.”
Cricket typed furiously. Her face was getting flush.
“And in case you’re wondering, he’s got a really-”
“Stop! Not you, Cricket. Light, let’s say I did. What happens when the next stallion shows up with cutie marks of me? Do I just sleep with him, too? What if a hundred ponies show up at my doorstep with me on their flanks? Shall I just lie back and think of Equestria for each one of them? And what if you meet a stallion with a cutie mark bearing you? Are you going to have sex with him, just to see what happens? And if some girl shows up at your wedding with a mark featuring Radish, will you let them sleep together, for destiny? Light, I’m not setting this precedent. It ends here and now.”
Light sank to her knees. She sniffled.
“Please. You’re gorgeous. You’re tall. Your hair does that- that- thing that it does. You’re elegant. And wise. And powerful. And kind. Even your voice is beautiful. And what am I? I’m just a skinny little pegi. I could never compete with all that. No mare can. But if I can’t compete with you, I can at least let him get you out of his system. Whatever happens after that, happens.”
“But he’s chosen you,” said Celestia. “He loves you. He wants to marry you. You’ve already won, Light.”
“I won. But Rad is stuck with a consolation prize.”
“Light, listen. I’m sorry. This is something I cannot do. But I wish you and Radish a long and happy life together. I don’t do this for many, but if you’d like me to perform the ceremony, I’d be happy to.”
Light held herself and looked at the floor.
“Yeah, okay,” she mumbled. “Thanks.”
Light numbly stepped out of the palace into the midday sun.
Celestia’s palace. Celestia’s sun. It’s all her world, we’re just milling about it until it’s our time to leave it. My boyfriend belongs to her, even though she doesn’t want him. What does that make him? What does that make me?
She walked down the front steps, running out of steam as she reached the bottom. She just stopped and sat down, unable to move. She heard hoofsteps approaching behind her. Cricket stepped up beside her.
“I’m just a stenographer,” she said softly, gazing out at the crowds milling about the front commons. “I’m not supposed to comment or act on things I hear in there. But Major Root is always nice to the staff. He greets us all by name. Treats us with the same respect as he would the princesses.”
“He always said that ‘respect is the currency of the plains’.”
“And of the palace. That’s why I want to help Radish. There’s this griffon trader that’s been coming into Rye Stubble’s all this week. He’s been saying some interesting things about cutie marks. You might want to talk to him.”
“Thanks, Cricket.”
Light found the griffon in Rye Stubble’s, drinking and complaining about the potency of pony drinks. She bought him a double to start him talking.
“Yeah, an uncharted town way out there. All the ponies had the same butt stamp. An equal sign. At first I thought it was a town for math nerds, but apparently they all traded in their old marks for the same one.”
“How is that possible?”
“I dunno how booty marks work. I just stopped by to trade, and their mayor, or whatever, shooed me away. She said I didn’t have anything they needed.”
“Did they seem happy like that?”
“Yeah, it was wall-to-wall smiles and singalongs there. Bit creepy to me, but I get that’s how pony folk roll. Togetherness and whatnot.”
“Could you find it again? Mark it on a map?”
“Yeah. I could .”
“For another drink?”
“Well, I’ve built up a bit of a tab here.”
“I‘ll take care of it.”
Light entered Radish’s palace quarters. He slipped what looked like a catalog under a training manual as she approached him.
“Hey, Rad?”
“Hi, Light. What’s up?”
“I’m, uh, going to be out of town for a while. I heard about this sort of… artists’ retreat thing… that I think I should check out.”
“Oh? Okay.”
“The whole thing might be a waste of time. But if it’s everything I’ve heard it is… well, it could be huge.”
“For your career?”
“Uh, for my future. Definitely.”
“All right.” Radish hugged her. “Enjoy your retreat. But when you get back, how about we have a special night out together?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.” Light kissed him firmly, then leaned down to whisper at his cutie mark. “Sorry, princess. You should have taken the offer.”
“What’s that, Fan?”
“Nothing.”
The Only Mark That Matters
"Another?" asked Bold Roast, clearing away Radish's emptied glass.
“Nah,” said Radish, leaning against his hoof on the café’s counter.
“Is Light still out of town?”
“Yeah. How long do these artist retreat things usually take?”
“Usually, a week”
“It’s been a week.”
“Well, which one did she go to?”
“I, uh, don’t know. She was vague about it.”
“You didn’t ask for details?”
“I didn’t want to be one of those, you know, intrusive, untrusting boyfriends.”
“Yeah, mares hate it when you show interest in their interests.”
“Hmm.”
Hazy Shade entered the cafe. She noticed Radish and approached him curiously.
“Radish? You’re here? When I saw that Cat’s Howl was closed all week, I thought you and Light had… uh…”
“Had what?”
“Nothing! So, how are things? How’s Light been?”
“She’s been out of town since Tuesday.”
“You mean, she just… left? Right after she…” Hazy shade winced and looked away.
“After she what? Hazy… did Light talk to you before she left?” He took Hazy Shade by the shoulders. “Did she know?”
Hazy Shade gave a worried nod.
Radish slumped back. “She left me. I moved too fast, and I scared her off.”
“No you didn’t!” insisted Hazy Shade. “Fanny would never cut and run like that!”
“Come on, major,” said Bold Roast. “Light’s not afraid of anything.”
“She loves you, Radish,” said Hazy. “She really wants to be with you. I’m sure she’ll be back soon. Maybe she’s on her way back right now.”
“Yeah… maybe you’re right.”
Radish dumped some money on the counter, then left out the door. He wandered down the street, only pausing when he realized he wasn’t sure where he was going. He half-wanted to speak with Underglaze, Light’s ex-boyfriend, for some insight, and half-wanted to catch a balloon ride to Cirruscinnati to see if she went home to her parents.
“Hey! You there! Stop!” Radish heard shouted out.
Midtown ponies had a tendency to shout their conversations from across the street. Assuming it was directed at anypony else, Radish kept going. He then heard an ear-splitting whistle, and the clamber of hoofbeats on the sidewalk behind him.
“I said stop!”
Radish turned. A uniformed pony of the City Watch was standing behind him, with fury in his eyes and a truncheon in his hoof.
“What do you think you’re doing!?” he bellowed.
“I’m sorry?”
“That! What on earth is that!?” he said, pointing with his truncheon.
Radish looked at what he was pointing to. It was his cutie mark, on public display. He had forgotten his coat at Bold Roast’s.
Saguaro Shade entered the ninth precinct of the Canterlot City Watch. His old pal Jitte, a Watch sergeant, met him in the lobby.
“Thanks for coming, Shady.”
“What’s the issue, Jitte?”
“A beat cop picked up one of yours in Midtown. I thought it best to send for you before processing got too far.”
“You know I don’t interfere in these matters. Whatever the crime, let them do the time. Goes for guards as well as anypony.”
“The crime here is an unusual one. Public indecency.”
“Really? How indecent we talkin’?”
“He walked down the street without any clothes on.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that?”
“Well…”
“Wait… Root?”
“Yes.”
“You arrested a pony for his own cutie marks!?”
“The officer thought they were fake. Like paint or something.”
“Let him go.”
“Shade, imagine if you took a page from a dirty magazine and taped it to your flank. Should you be able to trot all over town like that? There’s no difference.”
“Difference? It’s growing out of his blasted hide! You’re telling me it’s illegal to be walking around in your own fur!?”
“A kid could have seen them! If he went through the palace like that, you’d bust him, too.”
“For being out of uniform. Not for being himself.”
“Yeah? What if he took a palace tour on his day off, showed them then? You’d let him walk your halls with those?”
Saguaro Shade bristled.
“Damn straight I would.”
“Then that’s your call. My town, my call. I can remand him to your custody this time, but next time he forgets his jacket, I’m booking him.”
They entered the holding cell hallway and stopped in front of a cell. Radish was on the bed, lying down and facing the wall. He was covered in a poncho from the precinct’s lost-and-found box. Jitte unlocked the cell and left.
“Come on, Root. We’re leaving,” Saguaro Shade said.
“I’m not going.”
“How’s that?”
“Let them book me. Let it go to trial. Let them make a federal case out of it!”
“Root, you’re angry, and you have every right to be. This won’t help.”
Radish turned over to look at Saguaro Shade.
“No, commander. I wanna fight them in court over this. Let them try to explain to a judge why my body is illegal. Let the arresting officer get his name and face in the paper. Let them name a legal precedent after me! Let’s give Canterlot the trial of the century!”
“Root… that’d all be rosy. ‘cept for one thing.”
He leaned in and whispered.
“You really wanna drag her into this? Because you know she’d get involved. You know she’d walk into court and testify on your behalf. You know she’d say the nicest things about you to the jury, to the lawyers, and to the press. She’d do it all willingly, cheerfully, lovingly.
“And then idiots would come out of the woodwork to drag her for it. Opinion columns and newsreels questioning her judgment. Spittin’ accusations and insinuations. The whole city whispering innuendo about you two. She’d never complain, she’d never show a hint of unhappiness, she’d just live with it. For you.”
Radish pulled up the poncho and looked over his cutie mark. He touched it with his hoof.
“Guards protect princesses,” Radish said. “When I took that oath, I thought it meant from invaders and marauders. But it goes beyond that, huh? It means protecting her from those idiots. From my own pride. She’s got enough to worry about without taking a witness stand on my behalf.”
“It’s up to you, Root.”
“Let’s go, commander. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Root. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
They left the cell and walked down the hall.
“Should I have just never come to this town, commander? Am I just one big headache for everypony in the palace?”
“Root, when you submitted an application to transfer from the Rangers to the Guard on my recommendation, Princess Celestia walked into my office and asked me what I thought I was doing. We actually got into a heated argument over you.”
“Really?”
“I looked her square in the eye and asked, ‘What are you afraid of?’”
“What did she say?”
“‘Getting that boy’s hopes up .’”
“Well, I did get my hopes up.”
“Yeah. But you’ve got a new hope now, huh?”
“Light Fantastic? I… was hoping…”
"Shady, one minute," called Jitte, as they passed by the front desk. Saguaro Shade and Radish turned. "Something's come up. I can't let him leave now."
"What’s this, now?"
"A mare is saying her child saw his cutie marks. I'm sorry, but I have to book him."
Saguaro Shade put himself between Jitte and Radish.
"Don't do this, Jitte."
A tall pink earth mare shoved past Jitte and pointed at Radish. "There he is! That's the pervert who shoved pornography in my daughter’s face!"
"I'm sorry, Shady," said Jitte, pulling out hoofcuffs.
Radish frowned. "I guess I'm getting my wish. Trial of the century."
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish lay on his back on his jail cell’s cot, clothed in a black-and-white striped prisoner’s uniform. He stared out the barred window, watching squirrels run across the fence outside. A watchpony appeared at his cell door and pulled out a key ring.
“On your hooves, Root.” he said. “Your girlfriend paid your bail. ”
Radish walked down the hall, out a door and into the next room. He found Princess Celestia at a counter, signing forms. She turned and saw Radish.
“Major! Are you all right?”
“Princess Celestia? You paid my bail?”
“Of course.”
“Princess, you shouldn’t stick your neck out for me like this. I don’t want you to get all caught up in my problems.”
She approached him. “Radish, how many times have you stuck your neck out for me?”
“That’s a guard’s job.”
“And this is a princess’s duty. Now, come with me.”
She touched her horn to his forehead, and they both teleported away, leaving the prisoner uniform behind to fall to the floor. They reappeared in Radish’s quarters in the palace.
Celestia put her hooves and wings around Radish and hugged him tightly.
“Ma’am?”
“I can’t believe the Watch would just toss you in jail like that. I’m sorry, Radish. They’ve had it in for you ever since you exposed the corruption in their ranks.”
“Thanks for coming to get me.”
She let him go. “Does Light know about this yet?”
“Oh. She’s, uh, out of town right now.”
“Really? But what did she… what are you doing?”
Radish had opened his closet and was digging through his clothes. “Putting on pants, ma’am.”
“I don’t object to your cutie marks, and neither should this accuser of yours,” Celestia said. “She is merely a pestiferous busybody seeking attention.”
“Her young daughter saw my marks, ma’am.”
“She should have used it as a teachable moment to educate her child, not run whining to the nearest police station.”
“Even so, it’s a pretty open-and-shut case. I don’t know how I could possibly win this.”
She walked up to Radish and put a hoof on his shoulder. “By relying on your friends, of course.” She turned her head to the door. “Spatterdash?”
Radish’s door swung open, and Spats entered, dressed in a sharp suit and carrying a briefcase.
“Your troubles are over, Rad! I’ve got just the ponies who can get you off!”
“I’m sorry?”
“I’m talking representation of the finest quality, Rad.” He pulled a business card out of his breast pocket and gave it to Radish. It had a law firm’s name and an embossed logo of three gavels.
“What’s this?”
“One of my law school professors has friends at the Law Offices of Dewey, Treatemfairly, and Howe. And the firm has agreed to take on your case, pro-bono!”
“Why?”
“Why!? The hero of the Battle of the Brides- and my best bud- being treated as a lowlife criminal? Not on my watch! We’re going to have the charges dropped like a hot potato.”
“Spats, I can’t thank you enough.”
“No thanks necessary, Rad.” He put his briefcase on Radish’s coffee table and popped it open, spreading out piles of document folders. “I’m here to brief you on the firm’s strategy. Now, you’ve been charged with three crimes: Indecent Exposure, Corruption of a Minor, and Breach of the Peace.”
“I know,” Radish sighed.
“Don’t be intimidated by the terminology. Charges like these are so vague, juries usually dismiss them.”
“Oh. That’s good.”
“Just the same, we’re preparing a multi-pronged defense, using precedents from rulings on cutie mark discrimination, artistic expression, bodily integrity, and the right to satirize public officials. Why, your cutie mark can easily be viewed as a political cartoon. Are they going to ban the editorial columns next?”
“Political?” asked Celestia. “But what, then, is it saying?”
“That’s just it, your highness! Art is open to interpretation- nopony can say what it means. And we’ve got experts from the Canterlot Institute of Fine Arts willing to testify that Radish’s cutie mark is an artistic treasure on par with the Statue of Livery.”
“That may be a hard sell,” noted Celestia. “The prosecution may argue that art requires an artist. And if there is some cosmic artist behind cutie marks, ponykind has never discovered it.”
“Then we’ll argue that Radish’s marks are a unique natural wonder of Equestria, like Neighagra Falls or Rainbowstone. Would you demand a mountain put on pants?”
Radish picked up a folder containing information about the witness. “So this is the mare, huh? The mother of the filly whose life I ruined.”
“Ruined, my hoof,” scoffed Spats. “Kids these days pass worse things around the playground. This is simply a mare trying to earn a quick payout off of an Equestrian hero.”
Celestia leaned over and looked at the folder. She frowned. “They’re from Red Stick?”
“Yes, ma’am. Visiting town for the derby.”
“I see. Would you two continue this without me? There’s an avenue of investigation I need to pursue.”
“Aye, ma’am,” said Spats.
She stood up. “Oh, and Radish? Don’t worry. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
“Princess,” said Radish, “some things are out of your control.”
“And some things just need reminding of who’s in charge.”
She left the room. Radish picked up a folder and leafed through its contents. “Spats, what’s this?”
“Ah, the prosecution has lined up experts, as well. They’re going to be calling the co-directors of a childhood development research center to the stand.”
“Who?”
“They’re brothers, actually. Flim and Flam. Of the Flim and Flam Foal Rearing Institute.”
“What?” said Radish. “Twilight’s written about the Flim Flam Brothers. They’re a pair of hucksters who Applejack keeps running afoul of. They’re not experts in anything but scamming ponies.”
“Really?” asked Spats.
“Yeah. Should we say something to somepony?”
“Not at all! Let them bring in phony experts. We’ll discredit them in front of the jury and win the case on the spot.”
“I’m starting to feel better about this.”
Princess Celestia walked down an upper hallway of the White Oak Remand Center. She stopped before a door, narrowed her eyes, and magicked it open.
Inside, Worthy Wagoner lay in bed, hooked up to a heart monitor and reading a newspaper. He flipped its top down to peer over it.
“Oh. Celestia. I was not expecting a visit from you. How have you been?”
She stomped up to the bed. “Save it. I warned you not to go after my friends.”
“To what do you refer?”
“Don’t. Radish Root has been arrested for his cutie marks. I know you had something to do with it.”
“Not so. But something like that was bound to happen eventually. I’m surprised it hadn't happened sooner. The boy is not appropriate for public consumption, Celestia. He has no business going among decent ponies.”
“His accuser is a mare who lives hundreds of miles from Canterlot. And yet she just happened to run afoul of Radish in just the right place at exactly the wrong time. Now, what are the odds of that?”
“Well, it sounds like a conspiracy to me. Luckily the boy seems adept at unraveling those.”
“You’re going to undo it. Now.”
“I don’t know what leverage you think you have over me. I am already incarcerated. And the terms of my plea prevent you from altering the particulars of my incarceration.”
“Only because you took certain particulars for granted, Worthy. Like the decor, for example.”
“The… decor?”
“Yes,” Celestia said, looking around the room. “These plain white walls are awfully dull. I think you’d benefit from something more… stimulating.”
She lit up her horn, filling the room full of light. When it subsided, the walls had been repainted to realistically resemble the inside of a thick jungle. The ceiling was a now dense, dark canopy with a staggering illusion of depth, and what had been a checkered floor was now indistinguishable from a rough patch of earth covered in moss, vines, and fungi.
Worthy sat up in his bed and inched into the headboard. “I do not approve of this motif.”
“And why is that? It seems like pleasant scenery to me.”
“I would ask you to change it back.”
“Ah, that’s right- your first ex-wife mentioned over tea that you had a bad experience in a South Equestrian jungle in your youth. It must have been terrifying for one so young to be so lost.”
“You… have been prying into private affairs…”
“And she mentioned that there were some details of the ordeal you were never willing to discuss. What did you see, Worthy? Or… did something see you?”
There was a sound of rustling vegetation in the distance. Worthy whipped around, then staggered forward to discover he was no longer sitting in his bed, but standing on damp earth. The furniture of his room was gone. Celestia was nowhere to be seen.
Worthy inhaled a gulp of moist air. He heard a stirring on the ground behind him. He turned to see a large snake slither across a log and disappear behind a rock. He backed into the rough bark of a towering tree. He felt ants crawl up his rear left leg, and he shook and swatted them off.
“Celestia, my heart is still weakened following Tirek’s attack. Not that I blame you for that, of course! But this risks further damage.”
There was no response.
“This is cruelty! I will sue!”
There was no response.
“Celestia! Do you hear me!?”
The rustling in the vegetation grew closer. He backed away.
“Princess, it was not me!” he hissed in a desperate whisper. “I did not make this move against the boy!”
“Who, then?” demanded a booming voice from high above the treetops.
“I’ve no idea!”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Worthy.”
“You are thinking like a noble- seeking ponies who bear a personal grudge against Radish! Think like a businesspony instead! His arrest is an opportunity!”
“An opportunity for what?”
“To exploit his position, his skills, his connections! Look for the pony who would profit off those! And see who comes to him with a deal in his most desperate hour!”
The jungle went pitch-black. Worthy huddled in the dark, holding his breath.
“Thank you, Worthy. Please, take care of your heart.”
Worthy sat up in bed, gasping. He looked around his room. The walls were white. The ceiling was white. The floor was checkered. His newspaper lay folded on his side table. Celestia wasn’t there, but there was now a nurse at his bedside.
“Your heartbeat spiked while you were sleeping,” she said, putting on a stethoscope. “Were you having a dream?”
He looked aside and muttered, “Princess Celestia…”
The nurse laughed. “Yep, that would do it.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Celestia sat restlessly on her throne, preparing to start her petitions session for the day. Cricket set up her stenograph at her station next to the throne.
“Are you all right, ma’am?”
“Just a bit anxious. Major Root’s trial should be starting right about now. I wish I could be there for every second of it, but alas, duty calls.”
“I could testify on his behalf as a character witness, if he’d like.”
“Thank you, Cricket, but I believe he’s set on that front. Ponies have lined up around the block to testify to his character, including myself, the other princesses, his superiors, AG1, and many more. Still, trials depend on facts more than anything.”
A wisp of smoke flew into the throne room and curled up in front of Celestia’s face, bursting into a scroll.
“Is it something for me to log, ma’am?” asked Cricket.
“No. Spike is attending the trial, and he knew I wanted to hear news as it happens. He’s sent me an update.”
“An update this early in the day?”
“Yes, and I’m guessing that’s a good sign. They’ve most likely thrown out the whole case.” She unfurled the scroll. “Oh, it’s a copy of the transcript.”
“Shall I read it aloud, ma’am?”
Celestia noticed how the guards flanking her throne were trying to hide their interest. She smiled.
“Very well, Cricket. Let’s all hear it together.”
Cricket took the scroll and cleared her throat, switching to a neutral recitation voice. She read it to the others.
______________________
Before: Honorable Bigwig Bangs
“Uh, Cricket,” interrupted Celestia, “how about we skip past the header and get to the more relevant parts?”
“Yes, ma’am. Let’s see… ah, here we go...”
Defense: Your honor, we’ve waited long enough. If these experts aren’t even going to show up, I motion to have this case dismissed.
[The courtroom doors fly open. An upright piano rolls down the aisle. Flim rides on top while Flam rolls alongside it on a stool. The piano comes to a rest in front of the judge. Flam strikes up a jaunty ragtime tune.]
[Singing]
```
Flim: Well, what have we here?
Now isn't this queer?
And odd and weird and strange?
Flam: A stallion knight
In a bitter fight
For societal change!
Flim: But take a pause
Flam: Before you join his cause
Both: Because we've got something to say!
Flim: If he wins this case
Flam: The whole pony race
Both: Has certainly lost its way!
[Flim holds up a magazine with “XXX” on the cover.]
Flim: Now, how would you feel if I showed all of your children smut?
[The Gallery gasps. Flam points to Root.]
Flam: Well, that fella's running wild with the exact same thing emblazoned upon his
butt!
Flim: Tut tut!
Flam: And he’ll shove it in the face of every kid he can!
Both: From Bovinelivia to Yakyakistan!
Flim: Beware the pervert!
Flam: As sure as sherbet
Flim: He's coming for your kids!
Flam: He'll corrupt the youth-
Flim: It's the honest truth!
Flam: -like no one ever did!
Flim: So let’s end his reign of fear!
Flam: Right now, and right here!
Both: And protect the eyes of everypony you hold dear!
Defense: Your honor, I object!
With all due respect,
These two aren’t under oath!
Flim: Well, we do declare
And solemnly swear
We’re pros in foalhood growth!
Flam: So take our words at face!
While we pick up the pace!
Both: We’re Flim and Flam, your specialists on the case!
Flim: Yes, beware that pervert!
Flam: Trust us, we’re experts
Both: On how to raise your young!
Flam: And if Root walks free
Flim: Your little tots will be
Both: Stuck on the bottom rung!
Flim: We affirm, aver, attest:
Flam: Our bona fides are best!
Both: And we say Major Root’s a major pest!
Gallery: Pervert… pervert… pervert…
Defense: Your honor, this is absurd!
With every word,
They’re turning this court into a zoo!
Flim: Well, it sounds to me
Like this attorney
Might be a sicko, too!
Flam: Why else support
Or be a cohort
Of a pony so darn foul?
Flim: I bet they’re in cahoots
Flam: To let all creeps run loose!
Flim: We may have found…
Flam: An underground…
Both: Deviant cabal!
Gallery: Pervert… pervert… pervert…
```
[Spoken]
```
Flim: Fillies and gentlecolts of the jury, in our professional opinion, Radish Root is an immediate danger to the common good, public safety, and all that is clean and pure in our beautiful society.
Flam: Just look at him! Sitting there! Plotting to spread his particular brand of filth far and wide!
Flim: Why, just the other day I heard a classroom full of precious little tykes say they want cutie marks just like his!
Jury: [gasps]
Flam: To prevent such a fate from befalling the youngsters of Equestria, it is our recommendation that Root be persecuted to the fullest extent of the law, plus several extents fuller.
Flim: I say, throw the book at him!
Flam: Throw the whole darn bookcase!
Film: And show the nation’s youth that moral degeneracy isn’t cool!
```
[Singing resumes]
```
Flim: Beware the pervert!
He’s sure to subvert
Polite society!
Flam: Let’s strike a blow
For the status quo
That serves just you and me!
Both: Don’t let your kids be fooled!
Defense: Objection!
Court: Overruled!
Both: We rest our case, and our testimony!
Gallery: Pervert… pervert… pervert…
Court: Has the jury reached a verdict that they
wish to announce?
All Jurors: We the jury
with righteous fury
Find Root guilty on all counts!
```
Cricket flipped the scroll over. There was nothing else. She gave the others a worried look. The throne guards frowned. Celestia scowled.
“You know, sometimes I really hate this town.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sat in a plain room in the back of the courthouse, staring at the bare folding table in front of him. The door opened a crack, and Spats poked his head in the room. He gave a sheepish grimace.
“Hey, buddy…”
“Spats… what the fuck was that?”
Spats winced and entered the room. “Okay, so, there was a courtroom tactic we didn’t quite anticipate…”
“Spats, what the fuck was that!? ”
“I, uh, don’t know. It was a catchy tune, though. The bailiff is still humming it.”
“We can appeal this, right?”
“We sure can! But… we’ll have to do it with a different lawyer. The firm dropped you.”
“Why?”
“They thought this would be a quick and easy prestige case. Instead, it made them a laughingstock. They want to wash their hooves of it.”
“Everything Flim and Flam said was a lie! They’re not even real specialists!”
“I looked into that. It turns out anypony can start up a childhood development institute in their living room and call themselves experts on foal rearing. There’s no certification standards or anything.”
“Can’t we call for a mistrial or something?”
“Well, the judge has to do that. And Judge Bangs is refusing to admit any errors occurred in the trial.”
“But errors did occur.”
“Oh, yeah. A boatload.”
“Then, can we do something about Judge Bangs? Get him unbenched or something?”
“Disbarred. Yes! But to do that…”
The door swung open. Princess Celestia walked into the room.
“To do that, we’d have to make a complaint to the Judicial Conduct Investigations Committee,” she said.
“Yeah, the JCIC,” said Spats.
“Well, then, let’s do that,” Radish said.
“That’s what I just finished attempting to do,” sighed Celestia.
“Attempting, ma’am?” asked Spats.
“Yes, I’ve been meeting with the JCIC members. Out of the five of them, the first said she wholeheartedly agrees with the verdict, out of concern for her children’s future. The second said the same thing, out of concern for his future children. The third is Judge Bangs’s mother. The fourth was out on vacation and left no contact information. And the fifth didn’t even know he was on the committee. Their decisions all have to be unanimous, by the way.”
“Well, who do we complain to about them ?”
“They were appointed by, and answer to, the Judiciary Oversight Director. And she says your case is ‘low-to-no priority’, and she ‘may look at it sometime next year.’”
“What’s her problem?” asked Spats.
“Oh, she never liked me,” grumbled Celestia.
“Okay, can we do something about her ?” Radish asked.
“Judiciary Oversight Director is an elected position. She would have to be unseated in the municipal elections… which are two years from now.”
Radish slumped back in his seat. “Princess… I think there might be some flaws in our justice system.”
Celestia winced and drooped her ears. “I’m sorry, Radish. Maybe if I had taken a more involved role in building the system, it would be in a better state today.”
“It’s not your fault, ma’am. Like you said, I'm good at finding holes in things. I guess I just fell through the cracks this time.”
“We’re not going to let this miscarriage of justice stand, major,” avowed Celestia.
“Here, here!” announced Spats, banging his hoof on the table. “If we have to start by ousting the Director, then, by gum, that’s what we’ll do! Why, I’ll run for the position myself! We’ll get you your justice, Rad, if it takes the rest of our lives!”
“Indeed,” said Celestia. “And I have favors I can call in, deals I can make, and certain… lengths I could go to…”
Radish stood up. “Stop. Both of you, just stop.”
“Stop what, Rad?” asked Spats.
“Spats, you got into law because you want to improve the system from the inside, right? To help ponies back in the old neighborhood. Well, you’ll never have any kind of law career if you’re associated with me. I’d be the last pony you’d ever help.”
“Rad, I’m not going to leave you in the lurch for my career.”
“And princess, you’ve already spent way too much of your life worrying about me. I’m one guard out of hundreds who work for you. Remember what you said about how you need to split your heart evenly amongst everypony?”
She shook her head. “Not anymore, Radish. I’m going to be selfish on this.”
“You’re both forgetting one thing- I am guilty. I exposed a kid to something a kid shouldn’t see. That’s not in question. If Worthy Wagoner did that, you wouldn’t be going out of your way trying to help him. I have to face the mus… uh, take my punishment. Like a stallion.”
“Absolutely not, Radish,” said Celestia. “We cannot accept this ruling.”
Radish stood up, walked over to Celestia, and hugged her. Celestia’s eyes went wide.
“Uh, I’ll just… give you two the room,” said Spats. He left out the door.
“Princess Celestia,” said Radish, looking up at her, “it’s okay.”
“It’s not okay, Radish,” she said, returning the hug, "injustice for one is injustice for all.”
“I’m lucky to have evaded jail time for my cutie marks as long as I have. But if I don’t take responsibility for them, I have no business being your guard. I can’t enforce the law and flout it at the same time.”
“Radish…”
“This is my decision to make, and I've made it.”
“Light is going to be pissed at you.”
“Heh, yeah.”
“She’s going to be pissed at me , too.”
“Sorry.”
Radish stopped on the sidewalk in front of Cat’s Howl. The store was closed and dark inside. He peeked through the window. Junk mail was accumulating under the mail slot in the door.
“Major?”
Radish turned to see Splash Page.
“Oh, hi, Splash Page.”
“I, uh, heard about the trial. I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Could you do me a favor?”
“What?”
Radish pulled an envelope out of his coat and passed it to Splash Page. “If you see Light, could you give this to her?”
He took it. “Oh. Yes, I can do that.”
“And keep her out of trouble, will you?”
“Well, I definitely can’t do that.”
Radish walked down a long hallway of the Canterlot courthouse. His sentencing was scheduled to begin in five minutes. As he rounded a corner, he found himself face-to-face with Twilight and her friends, who were standing in front of the door to the courtroom.
“Hi, ladies.”
Twilight stepped forward. “Radish, don’t go in there. We can’t let them get away with this. I’m reading as many law books as I can get my hooves on, and-”
Radish stepped forward and hugged her. “Twilight, I’m doing this.”
“But-”
He nuzzled her cheek. “And if I end up going to jail, I'll need my pen pal now more than ever.”
She whimpered. Applejack added herself to the hug. “Radish, this is my fault. Flim and Flam are my nemesises. I shoulda been there to foil them again.”
“It’s okay. You’ll get ‘em next time.”
Fluttershy joined in the hug. “I could talk to Discord about this. Maybe he can alter reality for you or something?”
“Please, no.”
Rainbow Dash scowled at Radish. “I know why you’re doing this.”
“Yeah? Why?”
“You think going to prison will make you seem cooler than me.”
“Now, who could ever be cooler than Rainbow Dash?”
Rainbow Dash hugged him. “Not you, you big dummy.”
Rarity placed a bag from her boutique down on the floor.
“Radish, dear, I’ve heard those prison cells can be awfully drafty. That’s why I’ve crafted this for you- incarceration couture.”
She pulled out a bright orange knit cap from the bag and affixed it snugly on his head.
“Thanks, Rarity. It’s nice.”
“And if your cellblock chums ask where you got it, you’ll be kind enough to share with them my mail-order catalog, won’t you?”
“Of course.”
Pinkie Pie gave Radish a small cake box, then put a hoof to the side of her mouth and whispered in his ear.
“I baked this cake for you. I put a little something extra in the filling, if you know what I mean. A ‘special ingredient’, if you will.”
“Thanks, Pinkie Pie. I do and I will.”
Radish broke the group hug. “Now, I’ll see you all later, one way or another.”
Radish Root sat in front of Judge Bigwig Bangs for the second time. Only he, the judge, the court reporter, and the bailiff were in the room.
“Radish Root,” started the judge, “you were, ahem, found guilty of Indecent Exposure, Breach of the Peace, and Corruption of a Minor. But in light of certain… circumstances surrounding the trial…”
Radish narrowed his eyes.
“...the court has seen fit to demonstrate leniency and apply the minimum sentence of ninety days in prison.”
Radish cocked his eyebrows.
“Furthermore, in the interest of certain… community interests… the court has decided to commute that sentence to fifty hours of community service.”
Radish’s posture and ears perked up.
“And that community service will be administered at the discretion of your assigned rehabilitation sponsor, who will be in contact with you shortly regarding your… assignment. Court is adjourned.”
He banged his gavel, then left out a back door. Radish sat for a moment, then stood up. “Uh, so that’s… it? I can go?”
The bailiff and the court reporter nodded. Radish stood up, then walked back to the room’s large double doors. Before he reached them, the doors burst open, and Twilight and her friends leapt through and piled on him, cheering and whooping.
“Hi, girls. I’m guessing you were listening at the door?”
“Radish, I’m so relieved!” cried Twilight, squeezing him.
“Me, too,” said Radish, hugging her back.
“Community service? Pffft. You can do that standing on your head,” said Rainbow Dash, giving him a noogie.
“Hey!” said Pinkie Pie, shoving her muzzle into Radish’s, “You know what this calls for?”
“I don’t think this really warrants a par-”
“A PARTY!”
Radish managed to negotiate Pinkie Pie down from a party to an intimate gathering in his palace quarters. Aside from AG1, Radish’s closest friends from the guards and palace staff came. Spats and Rarity avoided eye contact throughout the evening. Celestia and Luna showed up, smiling brightly.
“Major, I was so relieved to hear about your sentencing,” said Celestia.
“Indeed,” said Luna, “it was welcome news to wake up to.”
“Thank you, princesses. Say, uh, I don’t suppose either of you had anything to do with it? Did you do some kind of… backroom wheeling and dealing to save my hide? Maybe pop a few nightmares into the judge’s head?”
The sisters looked at each other. They shook their heads.
“As far as I know, all of my attempts to nudge the bureaucracy in the right direction were fruitless,” said Celestia.
“And my power over dreams is a sacred duty,” said Luna. “To weaponize it would be to employ Nightmare Moon’s methods.”
“I see,” said Radish. “Well, I guess sometimes a guy catches a break.”
Radish trotted off to speak with Spats. Luna leaned over to Celestia’s ear.
“But seriously, sister, did you secure this outcome?”
Celestia shook her head. “No, I thought you did.”
“Hmm.” Luna looked at Twilight. “You don’t think young Twilight Sparkle did the ‘backroom wheeling and dealing’, do you?”
“If so, I’m impressed,” said Celestia. “And a little concerned. It’s not something I taught her.”
Pinkie Pie bounced up to Radish. “Hey, Raddy! Let’s cut that cake!”
Radish looked over to his desk, where he had put the cake Pinkie Pie gave him before the sentencing. “Oh, right.”
The guests gathered around him as he sliced into it. Fake rubber snakes burst out and landed all around the room. The party guests laughed. Radish smiled.
The gathering ended late. The guests said their goodbyes. As Radish prepared for bed, he heard a knock at his door. He opened it to see a towering reddish-brown earth stallion in an overcoat.
“Good evening, major.”
Radish took a step back, trying to remember where he had seen the stallion before. He realized he knew him from portraits and photos on the walls of Plains Ranger Academy. Radish was face-to-face with the head of the entire Ranger organization.
“...Admiral Sunset Rider?”
“That’s me,” he said affably. “Forgive the hour of the call. May I come in?”
Radish stepped out of the way and saluted. “Yes sir!”
The admiral entered. Radish closed the door. “Uh, to what do I owe the pleasure, sir?”
He held up a file folder. “I’m here to brief you on your new assignment.”
“I’m, uh, I’m no longer a ranger, sir.”
“Your community service assignment.”
“You’re my rehabilitation sponsor?”
“That’s right. Equestria needs your help, Root.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Admiral Sunset Rider set a file folder on Radish’s coffee table and opened it. On top of the stack of documents was a large aerial photograph of a grouping of wooden buildings. They looked old and weathered.
“This is Fort Curly,” he said. “It’s an old fortification in Equestria’s northeastern reaches. It was originally built to guard our side of The Great Grey Area.”
“You mean, ‘No Creature’s Land’?”
The admiral pushed the photo aside to show a map of the area. It was a stretch of land with forests to the north, a coastline to the west, mountains to the east, and canyons to the south.
“That’s right. A territory claimed by four competing interests. It’s right where Equestria and the griffon kingdom butt up against each other, but the actual border between kingdoms remained fuzzy for a long time.”
“Because the other two of those interests were a bugbear colony in the forests, and dragons napping in those mountains. Not exactly an inviting place.”
“Yes. When the griffons unified under King Grover, he and Celestia sat down and agreed on definite borders. They ended up drawing a big circle around the whole area, declaring it under no one's rule.”
“Thus, ‘The Great Grey Area’,” said Radish.
“Fort Curly was built on our side of the area to keep an eye on the whole mess. But times change, and so do priorities. The fort eventually fell into disuse.”
“What does this have to do with me, sir?”
“I hear you’re good at fortifying buildings. Finding weaknesses that others overlook.”
Radish felt a giddiness at the top of his chest. “You’ve heard that about me, sir?”
“I did. So I cut a deal with the judge. I asked to take charge of your community service. I told him I want you to assist in the refurbishment of Fort Curly, so it can be reopened as a Plains Ranger facility.”
“Whoa. That sounds exciting.”
“It does, doesn’t it? That’s what makes it such a good cover story.”
“Uh, cover story, sir?”
“Root, I don’t need your remodeling skills. I need you for a Ranger mission in that area. It’s dangerous and top secret. I hear you have some experience with missions like that.”
“Uh… what makes you think I have experience in dangerous top secret missions?”
He pushed the map aside. Under it were more photographs. One of them depicted Radish, standing on a hill outside Ponyville, surrounded by the bat ponies, carrying a long spear slung on his back. Another showed Radish and Scorpan being rescued by the Wonderbolts, on a cliff just above the wreckage of a crashed sky skiff.
“These are you, aren’t they?”
“How did you-”
“Rangers tend to investigate things like airships falling out the sky, major. And a good Ranger records everything.”
“Are you the Royal Spymaster?”
Sunset Rider guffawed. “There is no Royal Spymaster, Root. That’s why individual ponies have to pull together and help out where we can.”
“Then, what do you really need my help with?”
He pushed the photos aside to reveal a personnel file of a Ranger- a muscular blue-gray pegasus with a tall cumulonimbus cloud cutie mark.
“Did you ever know a Ranger named Storm Cell?”
Radish stared at the file. “Storm Cell… yes, I knew him. Not for very long, though. He graduated from the Academy soon after I entered it.”
“After graduation, he was stationed on the Equestrian side of The Great Grey Area. He set up on the coastline, actually.”
“He had a posting on a beach?”
“He did. Until he went missing.”
“Missing!?”
“His status report was double overdue, so we sent a pony to his camp to check on him. He wasn’t there. It looked like he had been gone for a while, in fact, but like all good Rangers, he left records.”
He pushed Storm Cell’s file aside to reveal a stack of photostatic copies of a field journal.
“We found his notebook hidden in a secret compartment behind his relaxation cabana.”
“He had a relaxation cabana?”
“Apparently he did a lot of entertaining there. Go on, read his words.”
Radish picked up the journal pages. Storm Cell’s writing was large and neat.
Noticed smoke coming from GGA. Dragon unlikely- color and density consistent with wood cooking fires (Appendix A). Assume campers. Will investigate.
Spotted village in GGA. Not on any records. Must have been rapidly constructed. Looks ramshackle, but complete (Photos 1-8). Inhabitants are ponies of all three tribes. Will keep distance and observe.
Observed an oddity. Every pony seen in the village so far has the same cutie mark- an equal sign (Photos 9-16). Could be a new strain of cutie pox. That would make this a plague village.
Radish slumped back onto his couch. “The equal mark town. He actually found it!”
“You’ve heard of it?”
“It’s been a rumor that’s been going around the palace. Fellow guards, castle staff, and even some tourists have told me about it. Everypony wants to let Radish Root know he can trade in his cutie marks for equal signs. None of them could actually say where it was, though.” Radish looked into Sunset Rider’s eyes.
“I guess you know all about my marks, sir?”
“The story was relayed to me when you applied to Ranger Academy. But it was never a problem. Lots of ponies join the Rangers looking to get away from their past, make a clean break, and reinvent themselves. All that matters is if they can handle the job.”
Radish looked back at the page. “It didn’t even occur to me that it could be cutie pox.”
“Well, keep reading.”
It’s not cutie pox. I scoped out the village for a day. A pony was taken into a cave with their standard cutie marks, and came out with an equal sign. Whatever changes cutie marks is in that cave. Need to investigate.
“That’s the last entry.” noted Admiral Rider.
“And you suspect foul play from these villagers, sir?”
“They’ve built a secret settlement outside of any law’s jurisdiction. They have an unknown means of altering a fundamental part of a pony’s being, which they keep hidden. And the first authority figure to investigate them disappeared. This is no quaint hamlet. Something nefarious is going on there.”
“How do you think they’re changing cutie marks?”
“Our analysts are split on that. Some think there’s some kind of cutie-mark eating monster in that cave, and these villagers sacrifice their marks to it to keep it appeased.”
“Yikes.”
“Or it could be done deliberately through some ritual or artifact. Perhaps they're gathering cutie mark magic for some purpose.”
“The only other artifacts I’ve heard of that can change cutie marks are the Elements of Harmony.”
“Worrying, isn’t it? Your orders- your real community service- is to infiltrate this village, find out what happened to Storm Cell, determine if there are any threats to Equestria’s security, and deal with it accordingly.”
“Sir, with all due respect…”
“Thank you.”
“...this isn’t a job for a Ranger. No Creature’s Land is outside Plain Rangers jurisdiction. The princesses should be informed.”
“The big horns have a chain of command for a reason, Root. They don’t need to know every little thing the ponies under their command are doing. Imagine what Celestia would do if we told her about this.”
Radish thought about it.
“She’d probably send in AG1. She might even travel there to speak with the villagers herself.”
“Now imagine if whatever’s in that cave stole Twilight Sparkle’s cutie mark. Or Celestia’s! No more Elements of Harmony. No more sunrises.”
“They could go in with guard backup, though.”
“A legion of pony guards making an incursion in the neutral zone would spook the griffons. It could cause an international incident.”
‘I see.”
“But your cutie mark gives you the perfect cover for approaching the town alone. In fact, I think you’re the one pony in Equestria who they won’t be suspicious of.”
Radish looked aside. “They won’t question that I came looking to change my mark, is that it?”
“You can get in and earn these villagers’ trust. Then you can get answers, get Storm Cell, and get out.”
“Will Captain Roller know I’m doing this?”
“No. She’s a bit too by-the-book for this. Do you know why the Plains Rangers adopted a tradition of bending the rules?”
“Because we- because they- operate solo in remote areas where flexibility and adaptation are key.”
“Exactly. Rangers are more likely than anypony to encounter the unknown, and things like rules and laws always break down in the face of the unknown.” He leaned towards Radish. “Root… you were an unknown that the laws failed, too.”
“Then, you want to fight fire with fire?”
“More like prevent a fire, with a controlled burn.”
Radish looked down at the collection of documents. He looked up at his display case of his medals that he had hung over his desk. He stared at a photo of Light Fantastic he kept on a side table.
“You can count on me, sir. I’ll bring Storm Cell back safe and sound, on my honor.”
“Good. The judge thinks you’ll be working fifty hours of community service at Fort Curly. At eight hours a day, that’s a little over six days before anyone questions your absence.”
“It won’t take me that long.”
Sunset Rider pulled one last item from the folder- a train ticket. “This train will get you as close to The Great Grey Area as possible. You’ll have to hike the rest of the way. Remember, to these villagers, you’re not a Ranger or a guard- you’re just a wayward wanderer looking to find himself.” The admiral stood up and gathered the documents. “And, of course, I was never here.”
“I understand, sir.”
Sunset Rider went to the door, paused, and looked back.
“By the way, how is Celestia doing these days? I worry about her.”
“I worry about her, too, sir. That's why I'm going to keep this fire far away from her.”
Radish paced Canterlot’s train platform in the dawn’s soft light, going over his plans in his head. He chewed the inside of his cheek.
“Radish?”
He turned and looked. Twilight was approaching him.
“Twilight? What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you off on your big project! And give you this.”
She pulled a book out of her bag and passed it to Radish. It was a spy novel from a series Radish hadn’t heard of.
“Just a little something for the long train ride to Fort Curly.”
“Thanks, Twilight.”
“I think it’s great that you’re being asked to improve Equestria’s defenses. I’m glad you’re getting the recognition for your skills that you deserve.”
“Well, if you won’t let me fortify your castle, I’ll just have to fortify every other building in the kingdom instead.”
Twilight looked down and smiled. “Radish… it’s really embarrassing when you make these grand declarations about protecting me.”
“Sorry.”
The train rumbled into the station. Its doors squeaked open, and a few ponies disembarked.
“Well, that’s me,” said Radish, putting the book in his bag.
“Good luck! I want to hear all about it when you get back.”
“You bet, Twilight. Could you do me a favor, though?”
“What?”
“Tell Spike not to smoke me any letters for the next week. I need to focus on the job.”
“Okay.”
Radish stood just inside the train car. The whistle blew. He and Twilight stared at each other for a beat.
“I’ll see you soon, Radish.”
“I’ll see you later, Twilight.”
The door closed, and the train rumbled away.
Radish crouched in shadow between a boulder and a juniper tree, binoculars in hoof, staring down at a valley before him. It had taken most of the day for his train to reach the end of the line, and the rest of that day to find Storm Cell’s camp.
Storm Cell’s camp had been more like a custom-built beach house. It had a wide deck perched over the dunes of an expansive coastline. Radish had explored the home, trying to learn what he could about Storm Cell, before making use of the pantry and bed that night. The trek to the Equestrian border of the Great Grey Area took all morning.
There were a scant few dilapidated signs demarcating the border, which also gave warning of the dragons and bugbears beyond it. He took a deep breath and stepped beyond the signs.
The journey through No Creature’s Land had taken him the rest of the afternoon. Now, he finally had the equal mark town in his sights.
I hadn’t realized- the town is actually shaped like an equal mark. Is it a warning, a welcome, or a way of life?
He could make out some villagers going about their daily routines, but couldn’t see their cutie marks.
Radish began a cautious hike into the valley. As he neared the outskirts, some of the ponies spotted him coming. One ran off into the town, and returned accompanied by a light purple unicorn mare. She approached Radish with a look of curiosity. Her cutie mark was indeed an equal sign. All of theirs were.
Radish cleared his throat.
“Hello. I’m-”
“Hi there, friend!” the mare said, waving broadly and smiling brightly. “Welcome! Welcome home.”
The Only Mark That Matters
The mare stepped toward Radish, smiling widely.
“What’s your name, stranger?” she asked.
Radish was prepared for this question. He had concocted a false identity for himself, coming up with a plausible backstory that wouldn’t raise too many difficult questions. The hardest part had been picking a new name. He needed something unremarkable, but not so bland that it seemed suspicious. He settled on a traditional earth pony name with stately dignity to it.
“Onion Bulb.”
“Hello, Onion Bulb! Nice to meet you. I’m Starlight Glimmer,” she said, hooking her foreleg around his and leading him into the town. “Come on. You must be exhausted from your journey! Friends, bring our guest some refreshments.”
She led Radish to an outdoor picnic table. Townsponies put a tankard of water and a plate of crackers in front of him.
“Miss Glimmer-”
“Call me Starlight,” she said, sitting opposite him. Ponies provided food and drink for her as well. Several villagers continued to stand around the table, watching the two while grinning widely.
“Starlight, are you the one in charge around here?”
“Well, I like to think we’re all equals here,” she said.
“Starlight is our founder!” said a villager.
“It was her vision that brought this town to life!” said another.
“We plot our course along the map she charted!” added a third.
“Oh. I see…” said Radish, processing this.
“Now, Mr. Bulb…” started Starlight.
“Call me Onion.”
“Now, Onion, what was it that brought you all the way out here to our quaint little hamlet?”
“I was following some rumors about a… unique town… out this way.”
The others laughed.
“Well, I'd say you found it,” said Starlight. “This place is certainly unique. It’s the happiest, sanest, and healthiest village in all Equestria.”
“I think we’re actually a bit outside Equestria,” Radish noted.
“Pffft. All those silly little borders on maps- they’re just more imaginary concepts used to divide,” Starlight said. “But here, we have no divisions.”
“I… can see that,” said Radish, looking around.
“Go ahead and ask,” said Starlight, leaning her head on her hoof. “I can tell you’re curious.”
“I didn’t want to be rude,” Radish said.
“We have no secrets here, either, Onion,” said Starlight.
“How is it possible you all have the same cutie mark?”
“It’s possible because each of us believed in a better world,” said a villager.
“A world free of the petty schisms caused by cutie marks,” said another.
“A world built on ponies , not pictures ,” added a third.
“I was really asking more about the… mechanics… of the whole thing,” said Radish. “Is there some kind of magic here that does it?”
“We call it The Unmarking,” said Starlight. “And we offer it freely to all who come here seeking a better way of life.”
“You should experience it yourself!” said a villager.
“Yes! Join us!” said another. “Lay down your old mark and take up a glorious sign of equality!"
“Free yourself! Save yourself! Exalt yourself!” added a third.
Most of the ponies were now staring at Radish’s flank, where his hiking pants were covering his mark. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
“This is, uh, a lot to take in.”
“Of course,” said Starlight. “How about this- finish your meal, and I’ll give you the insider’s tour of the town, show you what we have to offer. No pressure.”
Radish finished his plate, and Starlight led him through the town, showing off its general store, bakery, apparel shop, playhouse, and more. It all seemed pleasant, if a bit plain. The villagers were also pleasant, if a bit plain.
“Does this town have a name?” he asked.
She sighed. “Officially, I named it ‘Artin’, from the Old Ponish root ‘arti-’, meaning ‘even’. But ponies from all over Equestria gathered here, and with all their different dialects converging, they were calling it things like ‘Arton’, ‘Art’n’, ‘R-10’, ‘Harting’, and ‘Whartun’. I left on a two-day supply run, and when I came back, they were all calling it ‘Our Town’.”
“I guess that’s the problem with a planned community. There are some things you can’t plan on.”
“They had even put it in a song. After that, there was no hope of getting them to use the real name.”
“Ponies do seem to find songs unusually persuasive.”
Radish kept his eyes and ears open for signs of Storm Cell, but didn’t see anything. He made a mental list of buildings to search and ponies to question. He was certain his tour guide knew more than she was letting on.
“So, Starlight, how did all this start?”
“We finished the town a little over a month ago, but it’s been a dream of mine for a lot longer than that. I realized at a very young age that cutie marks are ponykind’s biggest problem. They force an unfair, unwanted, immutable structure upon our society, arbitrarily dividing us without our input, or even our permission.”
“I see…”
“I spent most of my life looking for an answer. And not too long ago, I found it. Come on, Onion, I’ll show you.”
She led him to the outskirts of the village, up a path leading to a cliff overlooking the village. She directed him to the entrance of a cave. Realizing this was Storm Cell’s last reported location, he prepared himself for the worst.
He stopped in his tracks when he saw what was inside.
“Whoa.”
In front of Radish was a vast wall of hundreds of cubical crystal cubbyholes. Inside of each one was a glowing, hovering cutie mark. He approached it cautiously.
“These are all from the townsponies?”
“Yes,” said Starlight. “A wall of pain, safely contained.”
Radish walked back and forth in front of the containers. He scanned it, searching for Storm Cell’s cutie mark.
“And this is how we do it,” said Starlight, picking up a wooden staff from a dais on the floor.
She showed it off to Radish. It had a twisted haft and a forked end.
“The Staff of Sameness,” she explained. “One of Mage Meadowbrook’s nine enchanted artifacts.”
Radish knew Mage Meadowbrook as a legendary earth pony physician. His parents had told him stories about her cleverness and bravery in seeking cures for her patients.
“And that takes a pony’s cutie mark, and puts it in one of these boxes?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Then, where do the equal signs come from?”
“Nowhere. They’ve been part of ponykind all along. They’re what cutie marks have stolen the place of.”
“What, really?”
“I think cutie marks are an affliction. A magical parasite that has infected ponies since ancient times.”
“And Meadowbrook made that staff… to heal ponykind of the parasite?”
“I assume so.”
“Then, what happened? Why didn’t she?”
“I don’t know. She vanished off the historical record. Maybe the parasite fought back.”
“Fought… back?” Radish asked, gazing warily up at the wall of marks.
“But I don’t intend to vanish,” Starlight said. “I’m going to make this cure available to everypony in Equestria.”
“That would put you in quite a position of power,” Radish noted.
“No. It will make me and every other pony equal. As we should be.”
Radish looked back at the wall of cutie marks. There only seemed to be a few empty slots left.
“But this wall is almost full. How are you going to store the cutie marks of the whole kingdom?”
“Oh, the wall is just a proof of concept. The next phase will be on a much grander scale, and we’ll have all the capacity we’ll ever need. But that's a discussion for another day.”
Something caught Radish’s eye. Just below one of the blank slots was a cutie mark of a tall thundercloud. It was Storm Cell’s cutie mark. Radish bit the inside of his cheek.
“So, now what?”
“Hmm?” asked Radish.
He turned around to see Starlight pointing the Staff of Sameness at his face.
“Would you like to be freed of your marks, Onion? We usually do it as a town ceremony, but I can take care of it for you right here, right now. It doesn’t hurt at all.”
Radish looked into her eyes. She smiled pleasantly. He smiled politely.
“That’s kind of you to offer. But that’s a big life change. I’ll have to sleep on it.”
“Of course,” she said, replacing the staff to its dais in the cave floor. “Like I said, no pressure.”
She left the cave. Radish gave another look to the wall of cutie marks, then followed her out. The sun was hanging low in the sky.
“It’s getting late,” he said. “I suppose I’ll just roll out my sleeping bag under the stars.”
“Oh, nonsense. You’ll stay with me for the night.”
“I don’t want to put you out.”
“All newcomers stay at my place. I insist.”
“Alright. Lead the way.”
Starlight’s house stood on one end of the town, unique in that it did not form part of the equal sign that the rest of the town made. It was sparsely decorated, like everything else.
“So, the guest room’s up there,” she said, pointing up her stairs, “and I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thank you for your hospitality, Starlight.”
“Not at all. I’m really glad you found us, Onion. If I may be a bit presumptive, I think you’re going to love it here.”
“I think you might be right.”
Radish entered the guest bedroom and locked the door. He waited, listening in the darkness. Starlight Glimmer shuffled around downstairs for a few minutes. After a while, he heard her take a bath and then go to bed. The house fell silent.
Radish quietly opened his window and slipped out, landing softly on the ground below. He crept along the side of the house, going over his plan in his head.
Okay, got to find Storm Cell. I should secure that staff- that will give me leverage over any pony in town should the need arise. Then, I can confront-
He stopped in his tracks. Starlight Glimmer was sitting relaxed against a tree in front of her house.
“What’s the matter, were you having trouble sleeping, Onion Bulb?” she asked him with a grin. “Or were you looking for something, Radish Root?”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish and Starlight stood side-by-side in the cave of the Cutie Mark Vault. Starlight held the Staff of Sameness aloft in her aura.
“Are you sure you don’t want the rest of the village to be here for this?” she asked. “The Unmarking is usually an event for everypony to come together in celebration.”
“No. I got these marks on my own in the middle of the night. I should lose them the same way.”
“Aw, so poetic.”
Radish took off his coat, then his pants. Starlight took her first good look at his cutie marks. “Wow, I can’t believe the universe would actually force this onto a child.”
“Yeah.”
“It’s time for that child to heal at last.”
Radish looked upon his cutie mark for what could be the last time. He clicked his tongue. “Goodbye, Little Radish. Goodbye, Little Celestia. You don’t have to stop that, but you can’t do it on me anymore.”
Radish fixed his eyes on the remaining blank spaces on the vault. “So, uh, once my cutie mark is up there in the wall, can you make sure kids don’t see it?”
“Like how? Put a big black censor bar over it?”
“Something like that.”
“Radish, I think of all these cutie marks as museum pieces. This is an educational display. Once all of ponykind is unmarked, this vault will be a historic record of the life that ponies evolved beyond. And one should never censor history. Visitors should be able to come here to learn how extreme cutie marks could get in the old days.”
“Just not kids, okay?”
“Okay, okay. I’ll put an age restriction on it. Are you ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
Starlight put her hoof on Radish’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. I’m here for you.”
She lifted the Staff of Sameness above their heads. She aimed it at Radish. He turned to face the vault, with his hind pointed at Starlight.
“Do I need to do anything?” he asked.
“Just hold still.”
“And this is free, right?”
“Well, I do expect one thing in return.”
“What’s that?”
“An invitation to your wedding,” she said with a wink.
“You’ve got it.” Radish stretched out his back, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. “All right. Hit me.”
He felt a tingle all over his body. The tingle coalesced into a tug at his flanks. He felt another, stronger tug, and then a sustained pull.
“Hmm…” said Starlight.
“What?”
“Nothing! Just keep still.”
The sustained pull on his flanks moved around, as if his cutie marks were being tugged in several opposite directions. He then felt a series of short, sharp yanks on them. Starlight cursed and grunted.
“Uh, is something wrong?” Radish asked apprehensively.
“They won’t come off!”
“What!?”
“I don’t understand! Usually cutie marks feel as if they’re stuck on their pony like magnets- you just need a good grip, and they pop off! Yours feels like they’re welded on! ”
“Why? Why am I different!?”
“Just keep calm. No cutie mark has ever gotten the better of me before, and these aren’t going to now.”
Starlight grit her teeth, hunched over, and lit up her horn, illuminating the cavern as bright as day. Radish felt like dragon claws had seized him by his sides and were dragging him backwards towards her. He clutched the floor.
Starlight strained. Her straining grew into a growl, and the growl grew into a full-throated shout.
“COME ON YOU LITTLE-! GET OFF HIM!” She thrashed her head around, pulling back on the staff like a fishing pole that snagged a shark. “GET… OFF… HIM… RIGHT NOW! RRAAGGH!”
Radish heard a cracking sound.
“OW!” howled Starlight. The pull on his flanks ceased and the staff clattered to the floor.
Radish turned around. Starlight had collapsed to the floor. Her shoulders were twisted into odd angles, her forehooves were shuddering, and she had an anguished expression on her face.
“Starlight! What’s wrong!?”
“My neck,” she whimpered. “I pulled something in my neck…”
Radish walked up to her. “Here.”
He helped her spread out on the floor. He massaged her neck and shoulders.
“Oooh. That feels good. Thank you, Radish.”
“Thanks for trying. I guess I’m just destined to keep these marks forever.”
“Don’t say that. Don’t give up. I swear, I’ll free- wait a minute. It moved!”
“What moved?”
“Your cutie mark.”
Radish turned to look. His cutie marks were now positioned further back on his rear, closer to his tail. Their orientations had also shifted- the one on his left flank was tilted so that the little Radish and little Celestia were facing downward, and the one on his right was angled so they were facing up.
“What does it mean?”
“It means, it was working. They were coming off, I just need a stronger magic to finish the job.”
“Do, uh, do you have a stronger magic?”
“I do- but not here. Remember when you asked about the vault’s capacity, and I told you about the next phase?”
“Yes?”
“Well, the Phase Two site should have everything we need.”
“Phase Two site?”
“It’s about a day’s travel from here by hoof. Just give me one more day, Radish, and I can free you.”
“One more day, huh? I guess I can wait that long.”
Two high-ranking guards bucked open the door of Princess Celestia’s bedroom and rushed inside with their weapons drawn. They looked around the room, but didn’t see Celestia.
“Princess! We heard you screaming! What’s wrong!?” one of the guards called.
He ran to search her bathroom while his partner rushed to check her balcony.
“Over here!” he called, upon reaching the far side of her bed. He found Princess Celestia splayed out on the floor. Her eyes were glassy and her body was still. Blood trickled out of her mouth.
“Princess!? PRINCESS!”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root descended slowly on a cable from the skylight of a Downtown City penthouse office. He adjusted his infrared goggles and scanned the room. Just as planned, no security guards were active on this floor during this brief window he had charted. He checked a device on his wrist to confirm that the motion detectors were still disabled, and that the security cameras were still looping old footage of an empty office.
He dropped to the floor silently. He made his way to the wall behind the desk, which had the Wagoner family crest laser-etched into its marble surface. He smirked at the Latin motto.
‘The Stars Favor the Bold’, Worthy? The only danger you’ve ever faced was running out of hors d'oeuvres.
He held a square device up to the crest. An LED on the top of the device blinked from red to green. The wall split apart, revealing a polished chrome vault door. He slid a thick card into its reader slot, and the vault opened silently.
Inside was a pedestal. On the pedestal was a black hardshell carrying case. He shimmed open its combination lock.
Carefully foam-packed inside the case was a circular lens, about four inches in diameter, carved from an unknown pastel orange crystal. Radish held it up and examined it.
He shrugged, then slipped his prize into a small container on his belt. He closed the case, the vault, and the wall. He ascended the rope through the skylight and pulled it up after him.
He took a moment for himself on the skyscraper’s roof, gazing around the nighttime cityscape.
One down, five to go.
A loud buzz, like the sound of an angry swarm of bees, filled the air. A spindly security drone, matte black and carried aloft by six propellers, rose into view.
Damn it. It’s early.
He rolled and dove for the parachute he had left at the roof’s edge just as the drone dropped an aluminum canister behind him. A cloud of tear gas burst over the rooftop as Radish leapt off the building.
Radish slumped into a chair in his safehouse, heart racing and eyes stinging. He pulled off his balaclava, then his gloves, then his black, long-sleeved shirt. He steadied his breathing.
That was too close. And it’s only going to get worse from here on out.
He looked at his left shoulder and ran his fingers across the tattoo on his upper arm. He frowned.
I can’t get caught with this. I have to protect her at all costs.
A Canterlot City dermatologist inspected Radish’s tattoo, typing up notes about its color and dimensions.
“This should take just a few sessions to remove.”
“That’s fine,” said Radish.
“But you should know, the removal process will hurt, even more than getting the tattoo did in the first place.”
“It’s worth it.”
The doctor took a photo of the tattoo. It depicted a red heart, circumscribed by a white banner bearing the name “Celestia” in a flowing script.
“That’s a pretty name. Ex-girlfriend?”
“Yes. But she doesn’t know it yet.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish cleaned out and inspected his saddlebags. He and Starlight were now in the town’s storehouse, preparing for their journey to the Phase Two Site. Starlight pulled a rolled map from a shelf and spread it across a table.
“So, the site is around this region,” she said, pointing to a large area on the map north of Artin.
“You don’t have its exact location?”
“Of course I do- up here,” she said, tapping her head. “I prefer to keep the exact location my own little secret. There are things at the site that are very fragile, very valuable… and very powerful.”
“And, what, you don’t trust your fellow villagers with those things?”
Starlight snorted. “That’s rich, coming from a guy who was literally sent here by the government to spy on me.”
“They thought something had happened to Storm Cell.”
She smiled and put a hoof on Radish’s shoulder. “Ah, but something did happen to Storm Cell, didn’t it? He found happiness. And soon you’ll know that same happiness too, Radish Root.”
Radish looked back at his cutie mark, which was now further back on his body and askew. “Happiness. Seems like such an abstract concept. Will I even know it when I feel it?”
“Oh, don’t go all philosophical on me. Happiness is real, and it’s within your reach. Trust me.”
Radish looked at the map. He drew his hoof along the route from Artin to the indicated area. He frowned. “Uh…”
“What?” Starlight asked.
“This Phase Two site of yours- it’s past this forest?” he said, pointing to an expansive green swath on the map.
“Yeah. Why?”
“That’s bugbear habitat. We’ll have to skirt around the entire forest, which could take a long time.”
“Nah, I’ll teleport us from one side to the other. We’ll skip the whole thing.”
“You can teleport that great of a distance with a passenger?”
“It’s difficult, but it’s the only sensible way to do it.”
“That’s some remarkable ability, Starlight.”
“There’s nothing remarkable about it. Every unicorn could do the same if their cutie marks didn’t trick them into living small lives. Think about it: a filly gets a cupcake cutie mark, and from then on she never bothers learning any spells that aren’t about baking! Once the world is free of cutie marks, all unicorns will be able to practice any magic they can think of! And I think pegasi and earth ponies will go through similar awakenings.”
“Hmm. Maybe I could have earth pony skills as good as Nightmare Moon’s.”
“Huh?”
There was a knock at the door. A white earth stallion, smiling widely, stuck his head into the room.
“Starlight? We’ve got newcomers! We spotted them coming down the ridge!”
“Ah, wonderful,” said Starlight. “More new friends to share our way of life. This town is starting to become quite the buzzing metropolis.”
“Can we welcome them with the song?” the stallion asked excitedly.
Starlight grit her teeth, then smiled through them. “Of course. Who doesn’t love that song? Just take it from the fourth stanza this time, okay? And wait for me to start.”
“Okay!”
The stallion trotted away merrily. Starlight grimaced at the floor. “Ugh . You finish packing. I’ve got to see to this.”
“Enjoy the singalong.”
“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, Root.”
She left. Radish continued to check over his supplies. After a few minutes, the sound of the townsponies singing filled the air outside. He rolled his eyes, walked over to the open window, and shut it.
Celestia drifted into consciousness. Her head was pounding. She tasted blood in her mouth. She cracked open her eyes to find herself in a bed inside a small, bare, lilac-colored room. Luna was at her bedside, and so was the palace’s chief physician.
“What… what happened?” she asked.
“We were hoping you could tell us,” said Luna. “Your guards found you unconscious on your bedroom floor.”
“I remember. I was struck by an invisible attack- some kind of very powerful long-range magic. It cut right through all the protective spells I usually keep on myself and on the castle.”
“Do you have any idea who or what could be responsible?” the doctor asked.
Celestia rubbed her head. “It was a flavor of magic that I’ve never tasted. It was unlike that produced by a unicorn, potion, ritual, changeling, centaur, chaos spirit, wild monster, or extrasensory outsider. Something completely unfamiliar.”
“That is troubling,” said Luna.
Celestia looked around. The room they were in didn’t look like one from her tower or from the medical wing. “Where are we?”
“We brought you inside the Elements of Harmony Vault in Canterlot Tower to shield you from further attacks,” the doctor said. “This is the most magically-isolated place we could think of.”
“Aside from the human world, of course,” noted Luna. “But this was closer.”
“Good call. This is already complicated enough without involving other universes,” Celestia said. She sighed. “I suppose this is the type of problem that I originally freed Discord to handle. He should be able to trace the source of this magical attack back to its perpetrator.”
Luna scowled. “I already asked our dear friend Discord . He merely shrugged and said- and I quote- ‘Oh, she probably just has a bad case of gas’. Then he vanished, laughing at his own joke.”
“Classy as always.” Celestia sat up and pulled off her blanket.
“Princess? What are you doing?” asked the doctor.
“I’m not going to hide out inside this room. I’m going to hunt down the responsible party, and I’ll start by questioning every last villain in Tartarus.”
“Ah, I have a much better idea, sister,” Luna said.
“What?”
Luna lit up her horn. Celestia instantly fell back into the bed, asleep. Luna pulled the covers back over her.
“Get some rest.”
Radish finished packing his and Starlight’s saddlebags. He rewarded himself with a granola bar from the town’s supply. Starlight re-entered the storehouse, looking contemplative.
“Hey, Radish?”
“Yes?”
“Those newcomers? They’re un… special cases. They’ve got such serious cutie mark issues, I’m going to have to give them a lot of close, careful attention.”
“More serious cutie mark issues than mine?”
“It’s not a competition, Radish. Everypony handles pain in their own way. Bottom line is, I can’t leave town just yet.”
“I see. Well, I’m done here. We can leave whenever you're ready. But maybe I can help you with these ponies?”
“Radish, how would you have liked it if a bunch of strangers barged in on your experience in the pool?”
“Uh… I wouldn’t have.”
“Exactly. Healing from cutie trauma is personal and private.” She smiled and walked up to Radish. “But you don’t have to wait around here. Why not take this opportunity to see more of The Great Grey Area? You could explore the cave system, visit Storm Cell at his camp, or even check out the griffon lands to the east.”
“Cave system?”
“Yeah, there’s a huge network of them near town,” Starlight said, pointing to the map. “None of us have explored it yet.”
“Then, how do you know there aren't dangerous creatures living in them?”
She put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm… come to think of it, I have heard some strange sounds coming from the caves. Sort of a flappy growly noise.”
“Could be cave gaunts. I need to check it out.”
“Are you sure?”
“It’s a guard’s duty to keep ponies safe.”
She put her hoof on her chest. “Aww, that’s so sweet. Thank you, major!”
“Good luck with your new friends.”
Radish took the map, hefted his saddlebags onto his back, and left out the door, heading for the mountains. Starlight watched him leave from the window. She shrugged to herself.
“Oh well. With a princess on my side, I hardly need Radish Root anymore.”
Starlight Glimmer fled panicking down a long dark cave tunnel, crying for Radish Root’s help.
“Radish!? RADISH!?”
She saw him come into view at a junction of intersecting tunnels. He was inspecting scratches on the cave walls.
“Oh, hi Starlight. Good news. There’s no cave gaunts in here. Just bears.”
She rushed up to him and threw her forehooves around him. “Oh, Radish! Thank goodness you’re here!”
“What’s wrong?”
She looked trembling into his eyes. “Those newcomers? They didn’t want my help at all! They were raiders! Vandals! Thugs!”
“What?”
“They destroyed the Staff of Sameness! Smashed the Cutie Vault! It’s gone, Radish! Everything we’ve built is gone!”
She sobbed into his chest. He held her tight and patted her.
“Why would they do that?”
“They’re just another example of how indoctrination by the cutie mark status quo corrupts ponies’ minds, even making them violently defend the very system that victimizes them.”
“Is anyone hurt? Are you?”
“No… but the dream is dead. Artin is over. Everypony is retreating back to their miserable cutie-marked lives.”
“I’ll report this.”
“To who? This is No Creature’s Land, remember? There’s no law, no authority here.”
“Right. I’m sorry. I should have been there.”
She sniffled and shook her head. “No, I’m glad you weren't. If you tried to fight them, they would have killed you.”
“Guards are supposed to risk death to protect civilians.”
She leaned her chin on his shoulder. “I appreciate that. But now we just need to get out of here. Let’s go to the Phase Two site.”
“You still want to go there?”
“I made a promise to you, didn’t I? There’s still a way to remove cutie marks there. If you see me there safely, I’ll relieve you of yours.”
“Then what will you do?”
She stood up straight, lifting her chin. “I’ll begin again. Build back better than before. And I’ll heal this sick world, Radish, even if it doesn’t deserve my help.”
“You’re a better pony than I, Starlight Glimmer. If some raiders destroyed all my hopes and dreams, I’d be wanting revenge.”
Starlight smiled.
The Only Mark That Matters
“Are you sure you know the way out of here?” Starlight Glimmer asked Radish as she trailed behind him through a cave tunnel.
“Yes. I’ve been all over these caves, mapping them. Smell that fresh air ahead of us?”
“No.”
“Well, there’s an opening to the surface right… there,” he said, pointing to the ceiling of the cave. Sunlight was streaming through a hole the size of a dinner plate.
Starlight peered at it. “You expect us to squeeze through that tiny little hole?”
“It’s easier than it looks.”
“How about I make it easier?”
Starlight aimed her horn at the opening and fired a blue beam. The ceiling collapsed, leaving a much bigger opening. Radish grunted and averted his eyes from the sunlight now flooding the cave.
He winced. “Was that necessary?”
“No, but it was fun.”
Starlight lit up her horn and enveloped herself in her own light blue aura. Her body levitated and ascended up through the hole. Radish raised an eyebrow.
“You can fly without wings? That’s another rare power.”
“What can I say? I’m full of them.”
She put her aura around Radish and yanked him up out of the cave, setting him down on the surface. He looked around. They were on a grassland plain. He looked at Starlight. Now in the daylight, he could see she was changed. Her equal sign cutie mark was gone, replaced by a star under a pair of flowing stripes.
“So, that’s your original cutie mark, huh?”
She looked at it and frowned. “Yes. Don’t make fun. I know it’s generic to the point of meaningless.”
“I wasn’t going to make fun. I’d have loved to get a generic cutie mark.”
She smiled and nudged him. “How about an equal sign? Will that do?”
“Yeah, I think it will.”
He pulled out the map and his compass and charted a course north. “Okay, if we’re where I think we are, we’ve got quite a ways to go.”
They headed off together.
“You know, the last time I took this route, I was all alone,” said Starlight. “It’s nice to have an ally with me this time.”
“Ally? What about a friend?”
“Yes, of course. Come on, friend.”
Artin, now officially renamed “Our Town”, was celebrating. The town’s main and only thoroughfare was hosting its first neighborhood block party. The villagers were exercising their special talents for the first time in weeks- decorating, entertaining, and catering.
Rainbow Dash piled her plate high with cupcakes and cookies and joined the rest of her friends at a picnic table.
“So, Twilight,” she said, sitting down, “what are you going to tell Radish about this whole thing?”
Twilight, about to bite into a peach tart, stopped and put it down. “What do you mean?”
Dash cocked her head. “Uh, you don’t think he’d have something to say about a unicorn that can remove a pony’s cutie marks? Or about how we chased her out of town and lost her?”
“Rainbow Dash! Radish would never buy into what Starlight Glimmer was selling! He’ll agree that we did the right thing.”
“Then, howare you going to tell him?”
“Well… why do I have to be the one to tell him? Why don’t you do it?”
“Now, now,” said Applejack, talking with her mouth full, “Radish is a level-headed feller. He ain’t a-gonna be mad or nothin’.”
“Then, are you volunteering to tell him, dear?” asked Rarity, wiping crumbs off her face with a napkin.
“Uh… maybe it would sound best comin’ from Fluttershy.” Applejack said. She looked around. “Wait, where’s Fluttershy gone off to?”
Radish trekked over dry terrain. Starlight trudged after him.
“Ugh, this is taking forever,” she complained.
“It’s a nice walk, though,” said Radish. He looked up at the overcast sky. “Lots of cloud cover. Did your village maintain the weather in these parts?”
“Not really. Weather just sort of leaks over from the griffons’ side of the border.”
“That’s rather sloppy of them.”
“Well, the griffons aren’t particularly organized. They haven’t even really had a functioning government in centuries.”
Radish cocked an eyebrow. “What? I’ve never heard that. Palace intel says their civilization rivals Equestria in size and strength. Some of the scenarios we train for are griffon invasions.”
Starlight chuckled. “Well, I’m sure your superiors know more about it than I do. It’s not like I’ve actually been there and seen it with my own two eyes.”
“You seem rather well-traveled.”
“Oh, I’ve been all over the world, seeking answers inside and outside of Equestria. And you know what I discovered?”
“What?”
“Ponies are the only species on the planet that equate their place in the world to a picture on their butt. By global norms, we’re the weird ones.”
“So that must make me double weird, huh?”
“Not for much longer, Radish. You help me, I’ll help you, and we’ll both help ponykind together.”
“You’ve got yourself a deal.”
Pinkie Pie found Fluttershy in front of one of the town’s houses, surrounded by a flock of black-winged swallows. One of them was perched on her hoof and twittering at her.
“Uh huh? And then what? Oh, really? Are you sure?” Fluttershy asked it. It tweeted in the affirmative.
“Hey, Fluttershy!” said Pinkie Pie bouncing up to them. “What’cha doin’?”
“Oh, I was just talking to Belinda here. Her flock passed over this region today, so I was asking her if any of them saw a pony matching Starlight Glimmer’s description. And they did!”
“Whoa! Really?”
“Yes. They say she was heading north.”
“Ooh, I wonder where she's going?”
“Wherever she’s going, she can’t be allowed to steal any more cutie marks,” said Twilight, walking up to them. “Let’s go, girls.”
Radish and Starlight stood at the boundary between an expansive grassland and an even more expansive forest. Radish peered into the woods with his binoculars. He couldn’t make out any movement.
“Okay, this is the bugbear forest you said you could teleport us past,” he said.
“Yep! You’ll have to be patient, though. A long-range teleport spell like this will require a bit of time to prepare.”
“That’s fine. Take as much…” Radish’s attention turned to a flock of birds passing overhead. He got his binoculars on them. “Hmm. Weird.”
“What?”
“That flock of black-winged swallows passed over us hours ago. Why would they double back into an airspace where they’ve already fed?”
“How could you possibly know it’s the same flock?”
“Earth ponies are good with critters. My mom’s especially good with birds, and she taught me.”
Starlight squinted at some movement across the landscape. “Wait… who’s that?”
Starlight put her aura on Radish’s binoculars and pulled them up to her eyes. Radish gagged as the strap yanked on his neck.
Starlight gasped. “We need to move,” she muttered.
“Huh?” Radish snatched his binoculars back. He focused them.
In the distance, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, and Rarity were galloping towards their position. Pinkie Pie was bouncing alongside them. Rainbow Dash was soaring above the others, flying in a grid search pattern. Fluttershy was hovering in the rear, conferring with several of the birds as they flew circles around her.
Radish chewed the inside of his cheek. “Let me guess. Those are your raiders?”
“Don’t be fooled by appearances! They’re not as harmless as they look.”
“I know. You could have mentioned that the ponies who ran you out of town were a princess and her friends.”
Starlight narrowed her eyes at Radish. “And if I did, whose side would you have taken?”
Radish looked at her. He kept silent. Starlight frowned, then leaned close to him.
“If anything happens to me, you’ll be stuck with your cutie marks for the rest of your life.”
Radish paused for a beat. He looked at Starlight, then at the girls, then at Starlight again. He let out a heavy sigh. “Then get down. ”
Radish grabbed Starlight and pushed her down into the grassland, obscuring her amongst the towering prairie grasses and flowers. “And stay down. I’ll get rid of them. You work on that teleport spell.”
The air filled with chirps and the whirring of wings. The swallow flock swirled over Radish’s head. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy set down on the ground in front of him. Twilight and the rest appeared by them in a burst of teleportation magic.
“Aha! We’ve got you now… Radish? ” exclaimed Rainbow Dash, reeling back.
“Radish?” the others gasped in wonderment.
“Whoa! Twilight? Girls? Is that really you?” asked Radish, waving his hooves in feigned shock.
“Radish! So good to see you!” cheered Twilight. She rushed up to him and hugged him. He hugged her back.
“Hi, Twilight.”
“Uh, Radish? I thought you were sposed’ta be fixing up some ol’ fort,” said Applejack, rubbing the back of her head in confusion. “What are ya doin’ all the way out here?”
“I was sent to check up on a nearby Ranger who went dark. What are you gals doing way out here?”
“Radish, you won’t believe it!” Twilight said excitedly as she let go of him. “When we all sat down on our thrones together, a map of Equestria appeared between them! It directed us to a town near here!”
“Why?”
“The town was being menaced by this looney unicorn named Starlight Glimmer,” said Rainbow Dash. “We whupped her tail, but she ran away like a scared little filly. Fluttershy’s bird friends said they saw her skulking around out here.”
Radish glanced down at the grasses obscuring Starlight Glimmer. He thought he could feel anger radiating from them.
“Hmm. You know, I thought I saw somepony heading that way,” Radish said, pointing to a lake on the eastern horizon. “Looked sort of pinkish-purple, I'd say. Seemed to be in a hurry.”
“That’s her! Come on! You can help us bring her to justice!” cheered Twilight.
“Why? What did she do?”
The girls shifted on their hooves uncomfortably, avoiding his eyes and looking among themselves. Fluttershy frowned. Rarity winced. Applejack bit her lower lip.
“Uh, well…” started Pinkie Pie. “She was kinda… see, she was sorta…”
“She’s guilty of assault, battery, and kidnapping!” Twilight said firmly.
“Anything else?” Radish asked slowly.
“Well… isn’t that enough?” asked Twilight, guardedly.
“You’re right. That is quite a rap sheet,” said Radish. “I don’t want you girls going after a villain like that, especially through a wilderness like this. I think it would be best if you six got back west and reported her to the proper authorities.”
“But aren’t you a proper authority?” asked Fluttershy.
“Good point!” said Radish. “Consider her reported. Now, you can all go home, rest assured that the Royal Guard is on the case.”
“Radish, it’s imperative we pursue her before she has a chance to regroup,” said Twilight. “Your skills could be invaluable in tracking her down.”
“Look , I’m technically still in the middle of my community service,” Radish said, gesticulating for emphasis. “If I deviate from my very strict orders, I’d be in legal trouble all over again.”
“C’mon, Radish, this is right up your alley,” said Rainbow Dash. “Starlight Glimmer is a dangerous villain! You love stopping those!”
“That’s right, we simply must find her!” said Fluttershy. “She’s a cruel, cold-hearted bully!”
“Totally nutso! A real basket case! ¡Loca en la cabeza! ” added Pinkie Pie.
“Indeed! She’s a ruffian with no manners, decency, or sense of interior design,” said Rarity.
“Jus’ plumb rotten to the core!” affirmed Applejack.
Radish glanced at the grasses again. He could swear they seemed enraged now.
“Now, now, girls. She simply hasn’t had all the advantages that we’ve had,” lectured Twilight. “If it weren’t for the Magic of Friendship, I could have ended up just as misguided and alone as Starlight Glimmer.”
“SHUT UP!” howled Starlight Glimmer.
She sprang out of the grassland and blasted a crackling beam wide enough to hit all six of the girls. It bounced off a shield projected by Twilight. Twilight gave her a stern look while the other girls recovered from their shock and formed up behind her.
“Starlight! Listen to me!” insisted Twilight. “We can help you!”
“I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR HELP , PRINCESS!”
She fired off another beam, this one aimed at the ground in front of the girls. The earth erupted in an explosion of rocks and dirt, scattering the six.
“That's it!” hollered Rainbow Dash. She blasted into the sky, flew a tight loop, and swooped at Starlight at lightning speed. Starlight dodged, but the rushing gale of Dash’s wake blew her sideways, bouncing her off the ground and into the trunk of a tree. Its bark cracked and rained down onto Starlight as she slumped to the ground, groaning.
Radish rushed over to Starlight Glimmer. She sat up, clutching her left hind leg. It was bruised and swollen. His eyes met hers.
“Cuff her, Radish!” called Twilight with a smile.
Radish turned his back to Starlight and faced the girls.
“Uh, that’s her, right there behind you, buddy,” pointed out Pinkie Pie.
“Radish… what are you…” Twilight started. Her heart skipped a beat as a realization struck her. “You… you… you knew she was here, didn’t you?”
“I want you girls to leave Starlight Glimmer alone,” he said plainly.
The girls collectively gasped.
“I mean it,” he continued. “Everything she did, she did in territory outside of Equestria’s jurisdiction. You don’t have any legal reason to apprehend her.”
Starlight looked up at Radish with surprise, then grinned smugly at Twilight.
Twilight shook her head. “Radish, a princess’s body is considered part of Equestria, no matter where she goes. Starlight attacked me and imprisoned me. That’s enough to take her into custody.”
Radish sighed. He had been hoping all the excitement would make Twilight forget that particular constitutional subsection.
Starlight chuckled. “Notice what she’s conveniently omitting, Radish? Not one of them has mentioned that I can remove your cutie marks! Now, why is that?”
The six girls grimaced. Radish looked Twilight in the eye.
“Yes, Twilight… why is that?” he asked softly.
Twilight’s ears drooped. “I… I was going to! At the right time!”
“When, Twilight? After you’ve had me throw her in prison where she can no longer help me?”
Twilight reeled back. “You can’t seriously want her to remove your cutie marks! I… I thought you were past that now!”
“Past his own body!? What a joke!” scoffed Starlight. “Look at yourselves! Apples? Balloons? Butterflies!? Not one of you could understand the pain Radish has suffered! While you’ve been sitting on your thrones , he’s been shunned, abused, and persecuted for his cutie marks!”
Twilight took a cautious step towards Radish. “Listen to me, Radish. You don’t want her help. Losing your cutie marks her way would mean losing everything that makes you special.”
“That’s what I’m hoping.”
Twilight looked crestfallen. “Please. I’m asking you, as your friend, to help us stop Starlight.”
“I can’t do that, Twilight.”
“You’d side with a criminal over your friends? With a villain over a princess? With her… over me?”
Radish crossed his hooves. “Just walk away. All of you, just go back to Ponyville.”
Twilight felt her eyes well up and her hooves tremble. The other girls closed in.
“Have you done flipped yer flapjacks, Radish?” Applejack demanded.
“Think about what you’re doing!” implored Rarity. “You’ll be stuck with dismal gray equal signs on your flanks!”
“If this is a joke, it’s not funny!” said Pinkie Pie.
“No… not again,” whimpered Fluttershy to herself.
“She’s got you hypnotized or something, Radish!” yelled Rainbow Dash, flying up to them. “Fight it!”
“Get away from him!” bellowed Starlight. She projected a blue bubble of force from her horn, knocking the girls off their hooves and pushing them back.
“Oh, it’s on!” howled Dash. She flew high again, sharply banked around a cloud and dove at Starlight, far faster than before. Starlight tried to spark up her horn again, but it sputtered out, drained from overexertion.
Radish watched Rainbow Dash fly. He waited. He mechanically reached into his pocket and pulled out his compass.
“Rainbow Dash: blind her during high-speed dives,” he muttered to himself.
He opened his compass and used its mirror to reflect the sun into Rainbow Dash’s eyes.
“Hey! What the-!” she yelled, and twisted her head. She angled off-course, spun out of control, and slammed into the earth. She lay sprawled in her own crater, moaning.
“Whoa!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. “Not cool!”
She popped up behind Radish and grabbed his tail in her teeth, trying to tug him away from Starlight.
“Pinkie Pie: exploit her impulses,” sighed Radish.
He tossed a trio of jalapeño chews into the air. Pinkie Pie instinctively snapped at them and gobbled them down. She paused. Her lips pursed and sweat poured down her face. Flames burst out of her mouth while steam whistled out of her ears. She bolted for the lake on the horizon.
“Now, what in tarnation do ya think yer doin’?” demanded Applejack, angrily stomping forward.
“Leaving here with Starlight,” answered Radish. “Getting rid of my cutie marks once and for all.”
“Oh, no, ya ain’t!” called Applejack. "Yer gonna sit tight so we can talk some sense into ya!"
She pulled her lasso out from under her hat, twirled it in her teeth and threw it at him.
“Applejack: use her strength against her,” said Radish.
Radish held up a foreleg and bent it. He slipped off the lasso’s loop before it could tighten, then put the lasso around a large rock at his feet just as Applejack yanked back on it. The rock sailed toward Applejack’s head. Her eyes went wide a split-second before it struck her, knocking her over. She lay under it, seeing stars.
Radish felt his boots being held in place. He looked to see a light blue aura gripping them. He looked at Rarity, whose horn was aglow.
“Now, see here, major! You’re the last pony I’d have expected such barbarous behavior from! I cannot allow you-”
“Rarity: put maggots in her hair.”
“What did you say!? You wouldn’t dare .”
Radish looked at her mane. He peered at its curl.
“You didn’t!” she said. “I know you didn’t. When would-”
She looked up at her mane. She shuddered.
“You did! I can feel them! Oh, Radish, how could you?”
She pulled out a mirror and frantically searched her mane. Her aura redirected to holding the mirror as she ran her hooves through her mane, shaking it in a whimpering panic.
Radish helped Starlight off the ground. He started for the bugbear forest, letting her hold onto him to take the weight off her injured hoof.
Fluttershy landed in their path. She bent low to the ground. "I thought you were our friend!”
Radish shielded his eyes from hers. “Fluttershy: endanger an animal.”
“I know you, Radish. You would never do that.”
Radish tossed the rest of his jalapeño chews into the grassland. A young prairie dog poked its head out of a burrow and sniffed at them.
“No! Don’t eat those, little guy! They’re much too spicy!” cried Fluttershy. She flew to it, trying to shoo it away while gathering the scattered candies.
“Radish Root, you are awful!” she called at Radish as he carried Starlight away.
Twilight Sparkle stood between them and the treeline.
“And I suppose you have some tactic for dealing with me?” she asked, anger filling her eyes.
“Twilight Sparkle: break her heart.”
“You certainly have. Just go,” she said, stepping aside, barely able to choke back tears. “And we are no longer friends, Radish Root.”
Radish walked past Twilight, leading Starlight into the forest. Soon they were alone.
“You… you really saved me from them…” she said.
“We had a deal, remember? I help you, you help me.”
“Thank you, friend.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish and Starlight moved cautiously and quietly through the forest. They stopped at a secluded, elevated area, where Radish kept on guard while Starlight prepared her teleportation spell. With a thunderous boom , they reappeared on the far side of the forest.
“Okay,” said Starlight, breathing a sigh of relief. “We’re safe now. No bugbears, and no psychotic mares trying to ruin our lives.”
“Hmm. One can hope.”
“I was really impressed how you defeated those girls so easily back there. How did you know how to do all that?”
“I’ve spent time with them. They’re all pretty set in their idiosyncrasies. Some obvious vulnerabilities came to mind.”
“Then you could beat them again if you had to?”
“No. They’re not going to fall for the same tricks again.”
“But you have other tricks, I bet.”
Radish made a noncommittal grunt and fell silent. Starlight smiled.
They continued traveling north. The air grew cooler and the land grew more arid.
“What brought you all the way out here the first time?” Radish asked, looking around the landscape. “It’s such a remote land.”
“When I started looking for answers to the cutie mark problem, I spent a lot of time digging through old, obscure archives. I pursued lots of myths, legends, and rumors. Most didn’t pan out. But one of them led me here.” She stopped in her tracks. “Right here, to be precise.”
Radish looked around. They were in the middle of a rocky plain.
“Here? There’s nothing here.”
Starlight put her aura on the ground and brushed away dirt and gravel, revealing something resembling a large crystal disc embedded in the ground. She lifted this disc and put it aside, leaving a deep black hole.
“Follow me,” she said, stepping over the edge and dropping into the hole.
“I want him arrested!” demanded Rainbow Dash, slamming her forehooves onto Barrel Roller’s desk.
“I want him court-martialed!” demanded Applejack, slamming her hooves right next to Dash’s.
“I want him sent to his room with no dessert! ” demanded Pinkie Pie, shoving herself between the other two and slamming down her hooves extra-hard.
Captain Barrel Roller leaned back in her chair, looking over the report that five members of AG1 had barged into her office to file.
“Now, tell me if I have this right. You’re saying one of my guards- a decorated major, a veteran of the changeling attack, and Princess Luna’s own personal Champion- abandoned his court-ordered community service, traveled deep into remote wilderness, and joined forces with a villainous cult leader?”
“It’s the truth,” said Fluttershy. “The awful, awful truth!”
“And the heinous acts he committed against you were… let’s see… throwing candy around, putting a rope on a rock, and… lying about maggots?”
Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all traded glances.
“Well! If you want to be reductive about it!” scoffed Rarity.
“And you want me to punish him, even though this all took place in a region outside Equestrian jurisdiction?”
“Uh, hello!? He knocked me out of that sky!” said Rainbow Dash. “Aeronautical assault is a serious crime, no matter where it happens!”
“So, Dash, you’re saying you want an official record to state that you lost a battle with a compass mirror?”
“Uh…”
“Even though the Wonderbolts will be reading it when making a decision about your admission into their ranks?”
“Well…”
“Even though maintaining safe flight while temporarily blinded by a reflection is something even novice fliers are supposed to handle?”
Dash fell silent.
“Oh, I see what’s goin’ on here!” said Applejack. “Yer jus’ protectin’ yer own!”
“It’s cronyism!” accused Pinkie Pie.
“It’s corruption!” denounced Rarity.
“It’s not fair!” upbraided Fluttershy.
“Rest assured, the Royal Guard will be taking this matter very seriously,” the captain said. “We will thoroughly investigate this ‘Starlight Glimmer’, plus any and all of her associates.”
“Yeah, right,” scoffed Rainbow Dash. “Come on, girls, we’re not going to get any help here.”
The girls filed grumpily out of the office. Rainbow Dash looked back before leaving.
“I can’t believe I used to look up to you.”
She left. Saguaro Shade entered immediately after.
“Something up?” he asked.
“Mmm. And guess who’s at the center of it.”
“Somepony other than Root?”
“Good one. Come on, we’re taking a little trip.”
Radish peeked down into the hole. As he reached for his flashlight, Starlight’s aura grabbed his body and yanked him down inside. He landed on a floor that felt smooth, in a room that sounded cavernous. He clicked on his flashlight, lighting up the area in front of him. Starlight chuckled and lit up her horn, fully illuminating the room.
They were in a dome-shaped room. The walls were ornately decorated with abstract, angular, geometric etchings. In the center of the floor was a tile mosaic depicting an earth pony mare in profile. She looked tall and regal, with proportions like Celestia’s.
There was a set of tall double doors to one side of the room- they were closed. Scattered around were remains of ancient furniture- a bed, a desk, and other pieces no longer recognizable.
“What is all this? Ruins? The remains of some cave-dwelling civilization?”
“Look again. We’re not in a cave, we’re in a building. A building made entirely of crystal. It’s just been around so long, it’s been entirely buried by the earth.”
Radish examined the floor, then walked over to the walls to take a look at them. He looked up. The disc Starlight had uncapped had been the centerpiece to a transparent crystal ceiling which, in a previous age, had given a clear view of the sky. Now layers of dirt were stacked against its panes.
“I’m surprised this place has held up over so much time,” he said.
“It’s very strong. Whoever built this place was quite advanced. But they’re long gone, it seems.”
Radish ran his hoof along the wall. “They were long gone. But they’re back now. This is Crystal Empire architecture.”
“I’ve never been. But isn’t this too far south for the Crystal Empire?”
“I guess if it was really an empire, there had to have been more than just the capital city. This must have been some kind of outpost. Maybe for trade, or research.” Radish took in the room and sighed. “This would be a huge archeological discovery for us, if we weren’t outlaws.”
Starlight scoffed. “Pfft. Once we save the world from cutie marks, we’ll be hailed as heroes. Equestria’s real history will begin.”
“You aim high.”
“If you don’t aim high, you’ll spend a lifetime scrabbling in the dirt.”
“And I've done my share of that. So, where’s this power to remove cutie marks you promised me?”
Starlight opened the double doors with her magic, revealing a dark corridor. She projected flares down its length, illuminating it. The hall terminated at a staircase curving down and out of sight.
“In the heart of the building. Come with me.”
Twilight Sparkle slowly walked the halls of Canterlot Castle with her eyes cast down at the floor and her wings drooping.
“Twilight!” called a familiar voice. Twilight turned to see Princess Cadance walking up to her.
“Cadance? What are you doing here?”
“Celestia needed my opinion on something. But I felt your despair clear across the castle. I’m guessing this isn’t a ‘sunshine, sunshine’ kind of meeting, is it?”
“No, Cadance, it’s not. But I’m glad you’re here. There’s something I need to speak with all three of you princesses about.”
“I’m afraid Celestia isn’t available for the time being. She’s occupied with something important. And Luna’s asleep right now.”
“Oh…”
“What is it, Twilight? Your heart feels so… oh. It’s something to do with Radish, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Twilight said, glumly looking aside.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Radish and I… well, to put it succinctly, we had a fight. It was ugly. We both said things. And I…” She winced and threw her hooves around Cadance. “Oh, Cadance! I’ve failed as his friend. I’ve failed as the Princess of Friendship.”
Cadance stroked Twilight’s mane. “There, there, Twilight. Friends fight. And friends forgive. The two of you have such a strong bond, I know you can get past whatever’s happened.” She lifted Twilight’s chin and smiled at her. “And the first step to mending any relationship is just a little communication.”
Twilight looked down. “A little communication? A little communication…” Her ears perked up. “A little communication! Of course!”
She broke the hug and smiled determinedly. “Cadance, I need you to come with me.”
Radish and Starlight descended several flights of crystal stairs, then followed another crystal corridor. They passed many more closed crystal doors. The door at the end of the hallway was thick and heavy, and Starlight needed Radish’s help to push it open. They entered a crystal rotunda supported by a ring of large crystal columns. In its center was a crystal throne.
“Ta da!” said Starlight. “It’s the throne room.”
“A throne room for an outpost? I just had a desk chair at mine.”
“Whoever ran this place must have thought highly of themselves,” Starlight said. “Now, watch this.”
She sat on the throne and cast a spell. The throne lit with a soft purple glow, which spread across the floor, then flowed partway up the columns and walls. After a moment, the glow subsided.
“This is how we’re going to remove your cutie marks, Radish.”
“How?”
“This crystal is similar to the kind the Cutie Mark Vault was made of, but denser. It should be able to pull off your cutie marks from osmotic force alone!”
“Like how a sugar cube sucks up a drop of coffee?”
“Uh, sure. Just like that.”
“And, what, my cutie mark will just be part of the building from then on?”
“Yours and everypony else’s! This is the answer to your question about capacity. These walls, ceilings, and floors can store every cutie mark in Equestria!”
Radish walked up to one of the crystal columns and pressed his flank to it. Nothing happened.
“Nothing happened,” he said.
“Yes, there’s still one hurdle to get over.”
She cast another spell. The throne and the room lit up again. The glow was brighter and spread further this time, but still subsided like the last time.
“The crystals need to be awakened to their new purpose,” she explained. “But I haven’t found the right spell to do it yet.”
“Well, this place was built by crystal ponies. And crystal ponies are a type of earth pony.”
“So?”
“So, earth ponies don’t sit on thrones, casting spells.” He approached the area in front of the throne, then brushed aside dust on the floor tiles, uncovering four indentations in the shape of hoofprints. “Earth ponies do their work through their hooves.”
He placed his hooves in the indentations and closed his eyes. He reached out with his senses. The floor suddenly didn’t feel like cold hard crystal, but warm, soft earth. The building felt alive and responsive to his earth pony nature, like a garden.
“Whoa!” called Starlight.
Radish opened his eyes. The entire room was glowing, floor-to-ceiling. Starlight was off the throne and wandering around the room, gazing about in amazement.
“I’ve never seen it do this!” she said excitedly.
“The building recognizes me as an earth pony,” said Radish. “It’s giving me control. It’s letting me tune the crystal to make your idea work.”
The glow shifted to a warmer shade, making the room seem like it was bathed in sunlight. Radish smiled.
“This is what I was missing!” said Starlight. “I was missing you , Radish. Come on, it’s time to lose your cutie marks at last.”
Radish stepped off the indentations. The room still glowed. He approached the throne and stopped just short of it. He felt Starlight’s hoof on his shoulder.
“Don’t be scared now,” she said encouragingly. “You’ve come this far.”
Radish nodded. He sat down on the throne. It flickered. Radish felt a pull on his flanks, just as when Starlight used the Staff of Sameness on him.
“Ah. It’s… got a hold on them already. A really strong hold on them.”
He squirmed. The pull was getting stronger. It was getting painful.
“Gah!”
“Don’t fight it! Let them go!” called Starlight.
“Aaahg!”
Radish felt his hips pulling apart. He struggled. He heard a loud ripping. A bright flash filled the room, forcing Starlight to shut her eyes and turn away. She heard the thud of Radish’s body hitting the floor.
The captain and the commander of the Royal Guard sat at an outdoor picnic table in the middle of Our Town, questioning some of the locals regarding the events of the past few days.
“...and then they left. But there’s still plenty of cupcakes, if you’d like some!” said Party Favor.
“No thanks,” said Barrel Roller.
“I’d like one,” said Saguaro Shade.
“And you have no idea where Starlight Glimmer could have gone off to?” asked Barrel Roller. “Maybe a hometown, or a place she’d feel safe retreating to?”
“Well, no. I guess there was a lot about Starlight we didn’t know,” said Sugar Belle, setting a plate of cupcakes down on the table. Saguaro Shade took one.
“And that was her house?” he asked, nodding to the two-story house at the end of the street. “Did you find anything of interest among her personal effects?”
“Oh, nopony’s been in there since she left,” said Double Diamond. “The old Glimmer place just kind of gives us all the willies, you know?”
Barrel Roller made a dissatisfied grunt and left the table. Saguaro Shade excused himself and followed her.
“I’ll take the second floor and attic, you take the first floor and basement,” she said.
“Aye, captain.”
“And be mindful of booby traps.”
“Always am.”
The front door was unlocked. They entered, carefully looking around. Barrel Roller took the stairs up while Saguaro Shade entered a door at the back of the foyer.
He found himself in what had apparently been Starlight Glimmer’s office. It was largely bare, containing a desk with empty drawers and a wastepaper basket full of ashes.
“Oh Starlight!” called a sing-songy voice in a sing-songy tone from the foyer. “We’ve come to collect our hard-earned fee!”
The office door swung open. Flim and Flam barged in, followed by an earth mare- the mother who had brought public indecency charges against Radish.
“Now where, oh, where, could that mare have gone?” asked Flim rhetorically.
“She should know better than to con her cons,” rhymed Flam melodically.
“Would you two shut up? I’ve had it with your showtunes,” the mare said angrily. “I just want to get what Starlight owes me and get out of this ugly little town.”
The door slammed shut behind them. They turned to see Saguaro Shade with his hoof on the hilt of his sword.
“Glimmer’s not here. But why don’t you tell me all about your dealings with her?”
Barrel Roller shoved open the hatch leading up into the house’s attic. There were no windows, leaving it pitch black except for the meek light that followed her up from the second floor.
A rustling of fabric and a clanking of metal emanated from a corner. Barrel Roller felt around for a light switch, but didn’t find one.
“Hello? Anypony up here?”
She heard another noise- closer, yet quieter, as if its source was trying to sneak up to her.
“I am Captain Roller of the Equestrian Royal Guard. I-”
“Captain… Roller?” questioned a voice from the darkness. It was dry, raspy, and full of cold fury. It was somewhat female and also somewhat familiar, though Barrel Roller couldn’t place it.
“Yes, of the Equestrian Royal Guard. Starlight Glimmer has been removed from power as the leader of this town. We are-”
“Removed from power!? ”
A blur of dirty white cloth and dirty yellow hair rushed out from the shadows toward Barrel Roller, then snapped to a stop in the middle of the room. It was Light Fantastic, wrapped in a straightjacket and chained to the wall.
“WHERE. IS. THAT. BITCH!?”
Starlight looked up. The throne room had gone dark again. She lit her horn and found Radish sprawled out on the floor. She cautiously approached, walking around him with her eyes on his flank.
It was blank.
Radish groaned, shakingly lifting his head to look at himself. A gray equal sign appeared on his fur.
He and Starlight turned their attention to a new light in the room. A small panel of the wall was shining bright, like a movie screen in a darkened theater. A colorful blur appeared upon it, then sharpened into focus.
It was Radish’s cutie mark.
The Only Mark That Matters
Starlight helped Radish sit up. He walked slowly over to the wall and stared at his cutie mark. It drifted slowly through the crystal wall, like a fish in an aquarium.
“Hey guys,” he said to the little Radish and the little Celestia. “I hope you like your new home. Plenty of space to do that, now. Plenty of privacy, too.”
Starlight walked up behind him.
“How do you feel?” she asked.
“Tired.”
“That’s because you’ve been carrying the weight of the world on your back since you were a child. But now you’ve laid down your burden, and you can walk free, tall, and proud!”
Radish looked at his side. He brushed a hoof over the equal sign.
“An equal sign…”
“Is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay. Thank you, Starlight.”
“You’re very welcome, Radish.”
They hugged. Radish looked at the hoof indentations on the floor. “I can reset the outpost so it can take yours, now.”
“Oh, we can wait a bit on that. This is your moment, Radish. Let’s celebrate it! You know, I think I saw a couple of casks the last time I was here. Wanna try out some thousand year-old Crystal Empire wine?”
“Is that safe?”
“Radish, today you stood down an alicorn, defeated her attack squad, reactivated an ancient ruin, and defied destiny itself. You’re invincible.”
“Well, when you put it that way…”
“And then I pinned him so hard, it left a crater!” boasted Radish. “Right in front of his wife, his guards, and his whole empire!”
“Ha!” laughed Starlight. “I wish I’d been there to see that!”
The two had found the outpost’s galley. Any food had long since turned to dust, but Radish had opened a tall cask, and the two filled crystal goblets with the shimmering crystal grape chardonnay inside. He wasn’t sure how the centuries had affected the taste of the wine, but it sure hadn’t affected its potency. He took a long sip.
“What about you?” he asked. “What was Starlight Glimmer like before she became the tireless crusader for cutie mark equality she is today?”
Starlight took her own long sip of wine, and leaned back against the wall.
“Nothing too dramatic,” she chuckled. “Just wandering from place to place.”
“Where are you from originally?”
“Somewhere I don’t like to think about.”
“Where’d you learn such powerful magic?”
“Everywhere and nowhere. I taught myself.”
“Favorite book, movie, and food?”
“Magic of Chance and Change , Road Stable , and chocolate sundaes.” She finished her goblet. “Any other questions?”
“Yeah. What did you think of Light Fantastic?”
Starlight made a snort. “She was kind of… abrasive.”
Radish laughed and lay down on his back, setting his goblet on the floor next to him. “Yeah. I love that about her. Without abrasives, nothing could shine.”
“Ugh,” said Starlight. “I’m too drunk to even begin correcting everything wrong with that. First of all-”
She looked at Radish. He was asleep on the floor. She chuckled.
“Aww. Sleep well, Radish. For once, you’ve got a bright future ahead of you.”
Celestia brushed aside dangling willow branches and entered her favorite secluded riverside grove. Her favorite blue unicorn stallion was stretched out on the grass.
“Hello, Celestia.”
She nuzzled his cheek. “Hello, my love.”
“You seem solemn. Is this a special occasion?”
“It is. I’ve come to a decision. It’s not one I made lightly.”
“I think I can guess what it is. You’re going to heed my advice at last?”
“Yes.” She took a deep breath. “I’m ready to move on… from you.”
The unicorn took her hooves in his. He smiled.
“That would have made the real me happy. He never wanted to be a chain around your heart. He was happy being the kindling that started a fire within you- a fire that could spread your light and warmth to others.”
“I know. I’m sorry it took me so long. But this isn’t goodbye, you understand. From now on I want to remember you- and dream of you- as my old friend, not as my long-lost love.”
“I look forward to it! There is so much more to dream about than this grove.” He hugged Celestia. “Until then, fare thee well, my beautiful morning light.”
“Fare thee well, Radius.”
They kissed. Celestia woke up. She placed her hoof over her heart and smiled.
Radish half-stumbled down the darkened corridors of the outpost with his flashlight lighting his way. He entered the throne room and found his cutie mark, still on the wall in more or less the same place he last saw it. Starlight was there too, examining the throne.
“Hey, good news,” he said. “I found the bathroom. It works.”
“Good morning, major. I’m glad you’re up. I need you to operate the floor controls again.”
“To remove your cutie mark?”
“Oh, that’s already taken care of- it came off when I sat down, just like yours,” she said, turning to show her sides. Her cutie mark was an equal sign again. “But then the power shut down. I guess this place requires constant attention from an earth pony to keep the lights on.”
Radish looked around. “Where did your mark end up?”
“It must be on one of the walls somewhere. Hopefully not in the bathroom.”
“So, what do you want me to do?”
“I’d like you to ask the outpost why it exists.”
“Hey, you want to give it an existential crisis this early in the morning?”
“There has to be more to this place. A reason the Crystal Empire would build such an elaborate structure so far away from the center of their civilization. I thought I’d find unique resources, magical experiments, even simple treasure here. But I’ve found nothing in this outpost but just… regular stuff. Everyday supplies. ”
“Well, that was probably it, then.”
“What was probably it?”
“I think this place was meant to be the hub of a new colony. The Empire was probably looking to expand southward. Then when Sombra took over, this little outpost was left to fend for itself with no homeland to back it up. And when Sombra was banished, the capital city disappeared, leaving this place as the last vestige of the Empire.” Radish looked around the room. “I bet Cadance is descended from whoever sat on that throne.”
“A Crystal Rump State?” Starlight put a hoof on her chin. “You know, if this outpost responded to you, maybe it means you’re some kind of long-lost member of the royal family, too!”
“I doubt it. More likely, this place recognizes me as a pony who swore an oath to serve royalty.”
“Up until yesterday, that is.”
“Right. That life is over.”
“Oh, don’t sound so regretful about it. You were nothing but a tool to the crowns. Now, would you mind operating the controls again?”
Radish stood on the hoof indentations. He focused. The lights powered on again. “Hmm. I’m getting an impression. It feels… like an expectation. It’s like the outpost has been waiting for something.”
A thump-ump noise echoed throughout the room, accompanied by pulses of light through the walls.
Starlight raised an eyebrow. “That’s weird. That sounded like a heartbeat.”
“Huh,” said Radish, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m feeling… warmth. A sense of calm. I think this place must be picking up the signal from the Crystal Heart.”
“The what?”
“It’s an artifact in The Crystal Empire. It takes the happiness of the crystal ponies and spreads it all over Equestria as an aurora in the sky. The outpost seems to be preparing to… repeat what it hears from the heart. It wants to shout it out loud, in fact.”
“Then, this place must have been built as a signal booster!” Starlight said excitedly. “Ooh, that gives me an idea…”
“What idea?”
“We can add Unmarking magic to the signal! It’ll draw every cutie mark within broadcast range into this outpost! We can spread equality to everypony in northeastern Equestria all at once!”
“What, against their will?”
“Why not? They got cutie marks against their will. This is just repairing that harm.”
“But altering thousands of ponies’ bodies without their consent? That’s tyrannical.”
“They’ll thank us.”
“Starlight Glimmer , you can’t force a utopia onto ponies. They have to choose it for themselves.”
“Radish Root, any action that brings utopia closer is, by definition, the most moral action one can take.”
“What if those ponies don’t agree with your idea of utopia?”
“If we have to sit around waiting for every pony on Earth to agree on what makes a better world, the world will never get better.” She shot him a serious look. “We’re not really going to fight over this, are we?”
Radish gave her a serious look back. “I’d rather not.”
“Good, because-” Starlight’s spine suddenly shivered. Her ears twitched.
“What’s wrong?” asked Radish.
“I put an alarm charm up on the surface, to warn us if somepony came poking around up there. It just went off. Somepony must be poking around up there.”
“It’s probably just an animal.”
Starlight’s horn lit up. Her eyes glowed blue and she peered at the ceiling. She scowled.
“It’s her!”
“Her who?”
“That self-righteous purple little-”
“Twilight?”
“Yes, Twilight . But she hasn’t discovered us yet. We still have the advantage.”
“Just let it go, Starlight. You can’t fight her.”
“Oh, I’m not going to fight her. I’m going to liberate her.”
“From her cutie marks?”
“Of course.”
“Forcibly?”
Starlight grinned. Radish frowned. He stepped off the floor controls. “Starlight, you’re angry. You’re not thinking clearly. Twilight let us walk away last time. She won’t do that again.”
“This time, I know the leverage I have over her.”
“What leverage?”
Starlight leaned her chin on her hoof and grinned at Radish. “The stallion she’s in love with is on my side.”
Radish sighed. “It’s not like that. We’re just close friends.”
Starlight rolled her eyes. “Ugh, stallions- always so oblivious. I saw how she was looking at you.”
“Well, whatever the case may be, we still can’t fight her and win.”
“Now, don’t be so negative, major. I’ve got a plan.”
“Which is?”
Starlight’s horn glowed dark blue. A heavy iron chain, held in her aura, snaked up from behind the throne and lunged at Radish. It wrapped itself around him before he could react. He fell to the floor tightly bound.
Radish struggled. “Hey! What’s the big idea!?”
“Oh, don’t act so surprised, Radish. We were both racing to turn on each other. I just got everything I needed from you first.”
Radish wriggled a forehoof free and slapped it onto one of the floor indentations. The lights went out. “How about now?”
Starlight frowned. She cast a spell which suspended flares in the air, bathing the room in dull red light. “That’s not going to stop me.”
“You can’t unmark Twilight, or anypony else, without me turning this place back on.”
“Of course I can.”
“You don’t have the Staff of Sameness anymore, remember?”
She laughed. “The Staff of Sameness was just a funny-looking branch I found.” She brushed her hoof over her flank, wiping away the equal sign to reveal her own personal cutie mark. “And this was just ash from the kitchen. Unmarking has always been me, and me alone.”
“What, you were lying to the whole town?”
“There was no other way. I can’t lay down my cutie mark until the world no longer needs me.”
“Then what happened in the pool that night? When the staff showed my memories?”
She grinned and hopped off the throne, standing over him.
“Oh, that? A few potions in the pool, a few enchantments on the walls, a few spells digging into your brain. But you did most of the heavy lifting, Radish Root. Your trauma was just crying to be let out.”
“You were manipulating me from the moment I stepped into your village.”
She laughed. “A bit longer before that, Radish.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d always heard rumors about a boy with sexual cutie marks. I thought it was just a myth. But then Storm Cell came to the village, full of guilt over how he used to bully you in the Academy. And while he was blubbering to me about it, he told me all about you, your cutie marks, and the things you’ve accomplished in spite of them. So I resolved to bring you into the fold.”
She walked back to the throne and sat back onto it.
“I sent that mare who got you arrested. She was supposed to engineer a situation where you were publicly exposed. That turned out to be unnecessary- you ended up making that mistake all by yourself. She cleverly took advantage of it, and boom- you were on trial.”
“Why? Why do that to me?”
“The world needed to see how extreme cutie marks can be. How thoroughly they can ruin lives. How much they threaten ponykind. But I must admit, I never thought you’d be convicted.”
“No?”
“No. A decorated guard, a gold medal champion, and a friend to Celestia? I figured you’d be let off with a warning. And while you were still reeling in fear from that near-miss, I’d approach you and offer to relieve you of your cutie marks. Then all of Equestria would see you living a better life without them, and come flocking to me for the same.”
“But I really was convicted.”
She laughed. “Crazy, isn’t it? I hired Flim and Flam because they were the worst con ponies I’d ever seen. I thought they’d botch the trial on the first day. They won it instead, but it didn’t matter- you still ended up on my doorstep, because the powers that be hate anything that challenges their status quo.”
“What about Light? Was she part of your plans?”
“Oh, don’t even get me started on that officious,judgmental, bitch . She took one look at my town and denounced everything it stood for. She was going to warn you away from me.”
Radish narrowed his eyes. “What did you do to her?”
“I locked her away with the rest of the junk I’d rather forget.”
Radish strained against his chains. “If anything’s happened to her-”
“Oh, I’m sure she can just live off of the magic of friendship . Isn’t that Twilight Sparkle’s solution to everything?”
“You’re right, it is!” announced Twilight Sparkle, standing at the doorway. “And it can save you too, Starlight, if you’ll let it.”
Starlight fired a massive burning beam at the princess. Twilight dodged, and the beam blasted apart the wall in the hallway behind her. Mountains of earth broke through and spilled onto the floor.
Starlight leapt forward, firing more blasts. Radish felt another presence behind him.
“Shh,” whispered Cadance. She ran her aura up the links of the chain. It unraveled from him.
Starlight heard the noise and turned. Her eyes filled with fury. She fired a beam at Cadance. Radish leapt to intercept it. The beam slammed into his chest, hurling him into one of the crystal columns supporting the room. It cracked and toppled over. Cadance put her aura on Radish and yanked him out of the way of the falling debris.
“Starlight! Stop!” called Twilight.
Starlight launched a crackling purple fireball toward her. Twilight put up a shield spell, and the fireball rebounded off it. It struck another column, melting a hole right through it.
Starlight rapidly fired off more beams, balls, and blasts toward Twilight, forcing Twilight to keep her shield up. The spells reflected unpredictably around the room, taking chunks out the walls, ceiling, floor, and columns.
Pieces of crystal went flying in all directions. A chunk with a unique glow went clattering across the floor. Radish tracked it with his eyes. It was the piece of wall containing his cutie mark. It skidded to a stop at the center of the room.
The ceiling buckled, sending large slabs of crystal raining down. The throne room was rapidly filling with the room above it, leaving the rooms further above that with nowhere to go but down. The entire outpost was collapsing. Cadance and Twilight spread auras over as much material as they could manage, trying to hold the entire building up.
Starlight saw Twilight at a disadvantage. She reeled back her head, preparing a powerful attack in the form of a spinning disk of fire over her head.
Radish bolted forward. He dove at Twilight, pulling her out of the way of the fire disk and throwing his body over hers. As they hit the floor, Radish’s ears caught a noise- the sound of Starlight teleporting away. The fire attack blew apart two more support columns. As the building came down, Radish held Twilight tightly under himself and braced his body.
All noise stopped except for the hum of a forcefield. Radish looked around himself. As he was shielding Twilight, she and Cadance were holding back the collapsed building with their magic. They both smiled.
A burst of white light filled Radish’s vision, and he found himself on solid earth, breathing in fresh air and coughing out dust. They had teleported back up to the surface, at the edge of a great debris-filled sinkhole that had been the outpost.
“Are you all right?” the three of them asked each other simultaneously.
“We’re fine, Radish,” said Twilight.
“What are you two doing here?” he asked.
“I asked Cadance to help me find you,” said Twilight. “We were searching this whole region when she detected a powerful signal here.”
“Coming from the outpost?”
Cadance shook her head. “No. I felt the despair in your heart, just like at the games.”
“I thought you might have been feeling as unhappy about our fight as I did,” said Twilight.
Radish hung his head. “I…”
The ground at their hooves erupted, throwing the three apart. Starlight Glimmer launched herself out of the debris and pounced on Twilight’s body, her horn glowing like fire. Twilight gasped. Starlight grinned demonically.
A rush of brown fur knocked Starlight sideways.
Saguaro Shade was on Starlight, pinning her to the ground. He slammed a ring onto her horn. It locked with a click. Her eyes turned to it in panic. He cuffed her hooves together behind her back.
“What in the-?” Cadance said, shaking her head and standing up.
“Starlight Glimmer,” said Saguaro Shade. “You’re under arrest for assault, kidnapping, attempted regicide, conspiracy to commit-”
“Oh, shut it, you old goat! Get off me!”
“Calm down there, missy. I need to read you your rights so your trial will go nice and easy.”
“Trial? TRIAL? Try this!”
A lone spark fizzled out the tip of her horn.
“That’s military-grade anticornium,” he said. “Don’t bother.”
“Commander? What are you doing here?” asked Radish.
“Investigating this here perp, as AG1 requested. I picked up her trail from her village, and the captain asked me to follow it to where it led. Nopony evades a former Ranger in the wilds.” He glared down at Starlight. "And nopony attacks a princess and gets away with it."
Starlight Glimmer glowered at Saguaro Shade. Her horn sparked again.
“Cut that out, or I add resisting arrest to the list.”
Her horn sputtered a stream of sparks. The ring vibrated and glowed red hot.
“Hey now, stop. You’ll hurt yourself.”
She strained and struggled. The ring glowed redder and emitted a sizzle sound.
“Lady, you’re going to burn out your horn!” Saguaro Shade yelled, backing off of her. “You wanna hold quills in your mouth the rest of your life like me?”
“Starlight! He’s serious!” said Twilight. Starlight’s eyes turned to Twilight in fury.
“YOU! When I get out of this, I’m coming for you. There won’t be a safe corner of Equestria left for you!”
“Starlight, please! Listen to me!”
“Radish!” Starlight called. “Help me! Or else!”
“Don’t you threaten my guards,” warned Saguaro Shade.
Cadance stepped forward. “Starlight, calm down. My name is Cadance. I can help you. I can feel the pain in your heart.”
“Pain in my- PAIN IN MY HEART!? You don’t know the meaning of pain! But you’ll learn!”
Smoke rose off the ring. It warped and drooped. She shook her head, and it slipped off and splat to the ground. Starlight grinned.
A massive ball of heat and light burst from her horn.
As the light passed, Radish found himself in a shimmering pink forcefield jointly projected from Twilight and Cadance. Starlight Glimmer was gone. Saguaro Shade, also protected by the shield, looked at the warped inhibitor ring.
“Son of a sire. She melted it right off. Never seen anything like it.”
The forcefield shut off. Twilight and Cadance hugged each other.
“Good reflexes with the shield,” said Cadance.
“It’s crazy how often I need it these days,” Twilight said.
Radish stared at the burned patch of earth where Starlight had been. He gasped in panic. “Commander! Starlight had my girlfriend imprisoned somewhere! I need to find her!”
“Easy, Root,” called a voice from above. Barrel Roller dropped down to the ground beside the group. “We found Light Fantastic. She’s safe and sound back at the village.”
Radish galloped up to Barrel Roller and hugged her tightly. She winced and leaned away from him.
“Root, this is inappropriate,” she groaned.
“I don’t care.”
She sighed. She patted his head.
“Okay. Five more seconds. After that it’s inappropriate.”
He squeezed her for another five seconds while Saguaro Shade trotted up to Twilight and Cadance.
“You’re highnesses, I take responsibility for Glimmer escaping custody. Forgive me for underestimating her power.”
“It’s okay, commander,” said Twilight. “It seems she’s just full of surprises.”
“Sir, I-” started Radish.
“Good work keeping her occupied here, Root,” said Barrel Roller. “But the next time Sunset Rider tries to recruit you for a mission, just say no. You’re my guard, not his. Got it?”
“Ma’am, I-”
“Let’s regroup in Canterlot to discuss what to do next,” said Cadance. “Twilight and Radish… you two can catch up to us at your leisure.”
“Princess, I-”
Cadance and Barrel Roller flew off. Radish looked around. Saguaro Shade was nowhere to be seen.
Radish sat down on the ground and went over the last few days in his head. Twilight approached and sat beside him. They stared at each other.
“So, uh…” he said.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry about the… well… the fight. Is everyone okay?”
“Rainbow Dash has been sulking. Says she’ll never be caught off-guard like that again. Applejack never lets the rest of us know if she’s hurt, so I don’t know. Pinkie Pie got addicted to jalapeño chews and has now moved up to habanero ones.”
“Ugh. I’ve tried those. No flavor, just heat.”
“Rarity says her estimation of you has dropped considerably, from boon companion to roguish knave. Fluttershy was threatening to sic Discord on you until we talked her out of it.”
“Cripes.”
“But they’re also sorry about what happened. We never should have withheld the truth about Starlight from you.”
“I appreciate that.”
“Would you be willing to visit Ponyville so we can all work things out?”
“Of course. But what about you? Are you… are we…”
“I’m very sorry, Radish. I have no right to tell you how to feel about your cutie mark, or what you should do with it.”
“Thank you.”
“And I have no reason to be mad at you for siding with Starlight. After all, you were only following orders.”
“You knew?”
“It took me some time to realize that you had been making Ranger hoof signals to me during our confrontation.”
She repeated the motion he made when he first saw her: “Heading north.”
“You picked up on them. Good.”
“With that little communication , you were warning me away, telling me where you were going, and letting me know that you couldn’t afford to say any more.”
“Lucky thing you’re such a nerd.”
Twilight smiled. “So you were manipulating Glimmer from the beginning! Just like the hero of the novel I gave you at the train station.”
“I… had my suspicions. And seeing you six on her trail confirmed them. But she spoke of some powerful magic here. I had to get her to bring me here to make sure it didn’t pose a danger to Equestria. And it did pose a danger to Equestria.” He sighed, meeting her eyes. “But… I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t want her to remove my cutie marks.”
He turned and showed her his equal sign mark. “I guess I got my wish, huh?”
“Oh, gosh. I didn’t even notice. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“What happened to it? Is it buried under all that rubble?”
“I heard Starlight teleport twice as the building came down- first to the center of the room, then out of it. I think she grabbed my cutie mark on the way out.”
“She stole it? What for?”
“No idea. Trophy? Memento? Conversation piece?”
“I’m sorry.”
Radish looked up at the sky. “Don’t be. Losing them was everything I ever wanted, right? And all it took was becoming the enemy of the ponies I care about.”
“Yeah? Well, I redeem enemies for breakfast. Come here.”
Twilight hugged him. Radish hugged her back. She drew back a little, hooves still loosely around him.
“But there’s something else we need to clear up between us.”
“Do we have to?”
“Yes. Radish, the fight was extra painful for me, because, well…” she took a deep breath. “...lately I’ve been developing… feelings for you.”
Radish took her hooves in his. He gave her a sincere look.
“Twilight… I love you in every way except that way.”
She smiled. “I know. When we cast the love spell in the caves under Canterlot, we connected to the hearts of everyone in there. I could feel your love for Light.”
“Really?”
“It was powerful. I’m really happy you found someone who makes you feel that way. And I also felt your feelings for me. It was powerful, too, but it was along a different track. Like a brother-sister bond.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I think it’s wonderful.”
“Light… I need to see her, Twilight.”
Twilight kneeled and spread her wings. “Then climb aboard.”
“Are you sure?”
She nodded. Radish carefully crawled onto her back, and she stood up.
"Oh," said Radish, "you're stronger than I thought."
She smiled and kicked off the ground, taking flight. The morning sun was soft and the morning air was crisp. Radish held on tight as they soared. They passed over the bugbear forest, flew across the snow-capped mountains, and soon landed just outside of Our Town. Radish climbed off of Twilight.
“Twi, are you going to be all right?”
“Yes. I won’t be taken off-guard by Starlight Glimmer again.”
“I meant… in your heart. I can still be your wingpony. I can find you a guy who's just perfect for you.”
“That’s kind of you to offer, but if today has shown me anything, it’s that I can’t worry about romance anymore.”
“What do you mean?”
“My responsibilities grow each day. I’m the Princess of Friendship, and there’s a whole world of Friendship Problems out there, just waiting to be fixed. We’ve only scratched the surface.”
“Twilight, you can’t close yourself off to love because of your work. Do you want to end up like… well..”
“Celestia?”
“Uh huh.”
“Radish, whatever Celestia’s choices have been, have been her own. And my choices are my own. If I have enemies who can melt off military-grade anticornium, I’m not giving them a target like a boyfriend.”
“You can’t let your villains dictate your love life!”
“I can’t pretend they wouldn’t target it. Radish, think about how you felt when you thought Starlight could have hurt Light Fantastic. Would you wish that terror on me?”
Radish stopped to consider it.
“I wouldn’t. But Twilight, I just want you-”
“-to be happy. Bit of a cliché, Rad. Guess what? I want everyone to be happy. And it’s actually my job to make that happen.”
“That’s insane. No one can do that.”
“No, it’s actually possible. I’m going to bring the Magic of Friendship to every corner of this world, from dragons, to changelings, to whoever else might be out there. Even to Starlight Glimmer.”
“Light said you were an optimist.”
“No, that’s me being realistic.”
“Twilight...”
“I’ve held you up long enough. Go to her, Radish.”
"Thank you, Twilight. I'll talk to you later, okay?"
"Okay, OBBBFF."
"Huh?"
"Other Big Brother Best Friend Forever."
The town was newly-decorated with fresh coats of paint on the buildings, flower planters in the windowsills, and colorful bunting stretched across the street. Radish headed for the town’s center- or, rather, its halfway point.
“Rad? Rad!”
Before Radish could turn around, Light Fantastic swooped out of the sky and threw her hooves around him.
“Radish, you’re okay! You’re here!”
“Light! I'm so relieved you're all right!” He hugged her tightly. "I missed you so much!"
“I missed you too, Rad,” she said, squeezing harder. “I was stuck in that bitch’s attic for a week.”
She then noticed the equal signs on his sides. “Rad?”
“Yeah, she took my mark and ran.”
“That bitch. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Do you feel any different?”
“Yeah… but it’s hard to put into words. I think it’s going to take me a while to figure out what, if anything, has changed about me.”
“That bitch took my cutie mark, too. Left it in a jar just out of my reach.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I got it back,” she said, turning to show her flank. “That bitch forgot all about it- and me- when she skipped town.”
“I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but the palace’s therapists have helped me when I was at my lowest. You could speak with them.”
“Barry made me the same offer. I guess I could give it a shot.”
“The captain let you call her ‘Barry’? She doesn’t let me call her that.”
“Oh, we’re the tightest of pals now.”
“Light, I’m sorry you keep getting targeted by my villains. I love you… but if you’d feel safer not being with me, then I’d understand-”
“Stop, Rad. This time it wasn’t your fault. I came here hoping to learn if this was a real option for you. But I was being selfish. I was really just insecure over your cutie marks. I, uh, heard you say Celestia’s name in your sleep again.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. Only an idiot would get mad at her boyfriend’s dreams.”
“Light, Celestia is part of my life. And so are villains. Both are going to keep being part of your life as long as I’m part of yours.”
“Then they’re going to be a part of my life forever.”
He leaned forward. “You mean it?”
“Yes. I, uh, saw your plans for a ring.”
“Aww, I wanted it to be a surprise.”
“It was.”
“Oh, good. Should I still… have it made?”
“That’s important to you, isn’t it? The whole ‘get down on one knee’ thing?”
“Yes.”
“You want to make an honest mare out of me?”
“You’re the most honest mare I know.”
Light laughed and slugged his shoulder. “You’re such a dork. But you can’t just spring a proposal onto a girl, you know. There’s a lot to talk about first.”
“Like what?”
“Are you okay that we’ll never have kids?”
“Yes.”
“It’s not important to you? Aren’t earth pony farm folk big on family?”
“Every group is big on family, Fan. But I’ve never felt the need to start one.”
“Would you live in my house, or do you expect me to move into your palace quarters?”
“I think we should keep both. Share both.”
“Do you expect me to change my name? Would you change yours?”
“I like both our names the way they are.”
“Do I get half of your piece of the moon?”
“Do I get half of Cat’s Howl?”
“Uh, let’s keep our own stuff.”
“But share everything that comes after?”
Light leaned her head against his.
“Yeah, that sounds nice. Go ahead and have the ring made. Get down on one knee. I want to be with you, Radish Root. No matter who else is in our lives, or what’s on your flanks, or whatever villains are out there. None of them matter to me more than you.”
Radish threw his hooves around her and hugged her tightly. She hugged back. They held each other, contentedly, then kissed.
The Only Mark That Matters
126. The Stallion with the Equal Sign
Radish sat naked while Doctor Gamma, the palace’s mage-physician, finished up her thorough examination of his physical and magical well-being. She and her assistant checked over their notes from previous visits.
“Major, do you realize that your fur color has changed? Your coat, mane, and tail are more muted now.”
“I can’t really see a difference, but my girlfriend and my buddy Spats both told me the same thing. They both have an eye for color.”
“Hmm, your eye color is muted, as well.”
“Is that bad?”
“Pigmentation change is a very common side effect of dark magic manipulation. But I haven’t detected any residual dark magic on you. I think I can safely classify you as a ‘Hapless Victim’, rather than a ‘Cursed Individual’.”
“That’s good. Wait, ‘hapless’?”
“But I want you to take it easy, just to be on the safe side. I’m ordering you a week of medical leave,”
“Oh. Okay. Thanks.”
Princess Luna approached the Elements of Harmony vault in Canterlot Tower. The two guards flanking its door saluted her as she unlocked it with her horn. Celestia was inside the chamber, sitting up in bed and working through a stack of scrolls. She raised an eyebrow.
“Hello, Luna. Come to knock me unconscious again?”
“I come bearing news that concerns your mysterious affliction. While Radish was away, he encountered a villainous unicorn. She has stolen his cutie marks.”
“Stolen!? Such a thing is possible?”
“Indeed. She did the same to numerous other ponies, including Twilight and her friends. They all got theirs back, but she escaped with his.”
“Is he all right?”
“Seemingly. Medical has cleared him, and he has submitted his preliminary report.” She passed a copy of the report to Celestia. “Based on his account, I believe it was the villain’s initial, unsuccessful attempt to remove his mark which struck you to the floor.”
Celestia read it over. “Hmm. Out of all the forms of magic we ruled out, we didn’t even consider cutie mark magic. Of course, it’s the least-understood magic of all.”
“Yes. Had we not isolated you inside this vault, her second, successful attempt may well have killed you.”
“Then you saved my life. Thank you, Luna.”
“Don’t thank me just yet. This proves that you and Radish share a deep magical connection- one that threatens your life.” Luna lowered her voice. “Celestia… it is time we revisit our worst fears about him.”
Celestia shook her head. “I refuse to entertain that hypothesis.”
“You must. You were harmed through unprecedented means, and Radish was involved.”
“You cannot blame this on him.”
“He may be but an unwitting pawn.”
“That could be true of anypony.”
“There are ways we can put these fears to rest. Scans. Tests.”
“I have already devised one.”
“Oh? What does it entail?”
“We’ll discuss it later. Right now, I'd like to get back to running the kingdom.”
Celestia stood up out of bed and headed to the door. Luna frowned.
“Sister! You still may not leave the safety of the vault. Now that a villainess has Radish’s cutie mark, she may use it to attack you again.”
“I don’t think so, Luna. I believe that connection has been severed.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Mare’s intuition.”
Luna rolled her eyes. “At least promise me you won’t be alone with Radish until we’ve spoken of this test of yours.”
“Very well, Luna.”
“Thank you.”
Luna returned to her own tower for a full day’s rest. Celestia left for the throne room. Along the way, a lady-in-waiting met her and curtseyed.
“Your highness? Major Root has requested to speak with you.”
“Thank you,” said Celestia. “Have him meet me in my office.”
“Major, how are you?” Celestia asked Radish as he arrived at her office.
“I’m all right, ma’am. But, as you may have heard, I’m, well… different now.”
He lifted up his saddle plate to show his equal sign. Celestia leaned in for a closer look.
“Are you in any pain?”
“No. I feel a little fatigued, but it’s been a long week.”
Celestia gave a stern look. “Admiral Rider had no right to co-opt your sentence and send you on that mission.”
“It had to be done, ma’am. They thought a Ranger was in trouble, and they were worried there was a threat to Equestria in that town. I’m just sorry Glimmer got away.”
“Radish,” said Celestia, “may I ask- without your cutie marks, well…”
“Have my feelings for you changed?”
Celestia nodded.
“Well, a lot of ponies have asked me that,” Radish chuckled. “I’ve been asking myself that, too. The truth is, it’s hard to tell. I like to think that our relationship has naturally grown more mature over the years...”
“Yes, I agree.”
“...and I won’t deny that I still find you to be a very beautiful mare,” he said resignedly. She smiled. “And as your guard, I’ve sworn an oath to protect you with my life. And I would still absolutely do so without hesitation.”
“Thank you, Radish. That is very sweet.”
“So if I had to put it into words, I’d say that losing my mark has taken a certain… pressure off of me. In the past, whenever I’ve done something, like get my sword certification, or make security suggestions, I’d wonder if, deep down, I was still just trying to impress you. But now I don’t need to interrogate my motivations for every little thing. I can just… live my life.”
“I’m happy you’re feeling relief, Radish. Nopony should have to live with that kind of self-doubt.”
“But, princess- you were on that cutie mark, too. I’m sorry that an image of me doing… that… to you is now in a villain’s hooves. I hope she’s not out there, charging admission to see it or something.”
Celestia smirked. “Ah, well, one can only hope. What about Light Fantastic? Is she all right?”
“She says she’s working through the experience in her own way.”
“Check it out, Hazy,” said Light Fantastic, showing her sketchbook to Hazy Shade. “New character- Crepuscular Haze. She's an ugly, evil bitch with a bad haircut.”
“I take it she’s based on Starlight Glimmer?”
“How’d you guess?”
“Does it make sense to sell merchandise based on a villain nopony’s ever heard of?”
“I’m ahead of the curve on this- the bitch’s wanted posters are going up all over the kingdom as we speak. While she’s on the lam, I’ll be profiting off her.”
“Nice. So, is she going to be another love interest for Nightmare Root?”
“No .”
Hazy Shade watched Light sketch at her store counter for a few more moments. She cleared her throat.
“So, Fanny… now that Radish no longer has his cutie mark… is the sex different?”
“None of your fucking business, Hazy.”
“Then, Glimmer actually engineered your arrest?” Celestia asked Radish.
“Yes, ma’am. Apparently, that mare didn’t like the cutie mark her daughter got. She sought out Glimmer’s town, hoping to get it changed. Glimmer cut her a deal- conspire against me, and get a new cutie mark for her daughter. As for Flim and Flam, she just hired them after seeing a swindle they were pulling at a carnival. They’ve all been taken in. Saguaro Shade got pretty thorough confessions out of them.”
“In light of this new evidence, we should be able to overturn your conviction expeditiously.”
“You mean, I won’t have a criminal record anymore? That’s a relief. Thank you,” Radish said with a bow.
“I only wish I could have stopped the whole farce before it began. The gears of justice may jam sometimes, but they eventually turn in the proper fashion.”
“Eventually, yes.”
“Now, let’s discuss the future. Has your captain given you a new assignment?”
“Actually, the doctor put me on medical leave. I’m going to take Light to meet my parents.”
“Oh. I see.”
“And, uh, one more thing... Light also told me about the, uh, petition she made to you before she left town,” Radish said, giving an embarrassed smile. “I'm sorry about that. You must have been mortified.”
Celestia shook her head. “Don't worry. I understood why she did it. Sometimes love prompts a pony to take drastic actions.”
“Well, like I promised you before, my days of pursuing you in that way are over. I’ll always care about you- as my princess and my friend, nothing more.”
“Thank you, Radish. I appreciate that.”
Radish saluted her. She returned it, and he left her office.
He walked down one of the castle’s many brightly-lit halls, to the wing containing guest suites. He knocked on one of the doors, Princess Cadance answered.
“Radish!” she said, ushering him inside. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I wanted to speak with you about a couple of things before you returned to the Crystal Empire. First of all, I’m sorry that the outpost was destroyed. It may have held some answers about your past.”
“Perhaps, but we still may be able to learn something from the ruins. What’s important is that we saved the most precious thing from within.”
“What?”
She laughed. “You, silly.”
“Aw, thanks. But the other thing I wanted to talk about was Twilight. She told me she’s going to close herself off to love because of her duties.”
“Yes, I know.”
“I don’t want her to do that. Can’t you just… I don’t know… use your magic to find a guy who’d be perfect for her?”
Cadance smiled. “It’s very sweet that you care about her happiness. But love can’t be forced upon anypony. Twilight will find love when and if she’s ready for it.”
“Okay. You know best.”
“But what about your love life, Radish? I can feel how your love for Light Fantastic is stronger than ever. Is there something you’d like to announce?”
Radish smiled. “Well, not yet… but soon.”
Cadance hugged Radish. “That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Let me know if you need any help or advice.”
“Thanks, Cadance. I will.”
Radish left the suite. A few moments later, there was another knock at Cadance’s door. It was Celestia.
“Hello, Aunt Celestia. What can I do for you?”
Celestia took a deep breath. “I’m here to request your services as the Princess of Love. I’m… done being alone. I need your help taking the next steps.”
Cadance hugged Celestia tightly. “Of course. Come in, and let’s talk.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root stepped out of the Ponyville train station. Twilight was outside waiting for him.
“Hi Radish! Welcome to the Apology Circuit! A chance to renew and strengthen the Magic of Friendship!” she said, flourishing her hooves.
“You make it sound so formal.”
“I’m actually really excited about this! If this goes well, Apology Circuits could become a big hit in helping friends stay friends. For the first time, I feel like I’ve had an innovative idea as the Princess of Friendship!”
“Okay. How does it work?”
“The other five have set aside a whole day to repair their friendships with you after the, uh…”
“Dustup?”
“Sure. You’ll visit each girl and make peace with them, one-on-one. Remember- this isn’t just about you apologizing to them, it’s about them apologizing to you, too. At the end of the day, we’ll all have dinner at my place together, celebrating how our friendships have become stronger than ever! Start with Pinkie Pie, at Sugar Cube Corner.”
“That sounds exhausting. Can’t we just skip to the dinner?”
“There are no shortcuts to Friendship,” Twilight said in a lecturing tone.
“Fine.”
“Have fun!”
Radish found his way to Sugarcube Corner. He opened the door. Pinkie Pie was behind the counter, shining it with a rag.
“Radish! Hi!” she chirped cheerfully.
“Hello, Pinkie Pie. I’ve come to-”
“Uh huh! Come on in!”
Radish walked up to the counter.
“Radish, I’m really, really sorry about trying to hide the truth about Starlight from you. So, I got you this as an ‘I’m really, really sorry, please forgive me!’ gift!”
She placed a laminated card on the counter. “The first and only Sugar Cube Corner Lifetime Platinum Membership VIP Pass!”
Radish picked it up. “What’s it do?”
“It’s good for one free cookie per visit, ten percent off merchandise, and it lets you order off the secret menu!”
“There’s a secret menu?”
“Uh huh! It’s full of secret pies and cakes. Don’t tell anypony.”
“I won’t. Now, what can I do to apologize for uh, burning your mouth?”
She grinned and walked around the counter into the middle of the store. “Just for the record, I don’t need any big fancy apologies, but Twilight’s insisting. Ever since she got the title of Princess of Friendship, she’s been taking it super seriously.”
“I know. She capitalizes the word ‘friendship’ in her letters now.”
“So I came up with a fun thing we can do.”
Pinkie Pie cleared off a table top and motioned Radish to sit.
“You know,” she said, “no other pony I know likes spicy food.”
“Yeah, Central Equestria’s palate is kind of, well, gustatorily bland.”
“Yeah, and they don’t like spicy things, either. So I wanna have a Spice-Off with you!”
“What does that entail?”
“It’s a new game I invented.”
She pulled out a long narrow box candy box and placed it on the table between them. She opened it. Inside were two identical rows of ten candies.
“Each of these candies is hotter than the last. Whoever eats the furthest down their row, wins! No drinks, but the prize is a glass of milk. And keep a hankie handy.”
“And then we’re good?”
“We’re already good, Radish! This is just for funsies!”
“All right.”
Pinkie Pie smiled and ate the first candy in her row. She chewed slowly.
“Mmm.”
Radish ate his. It was cinnamon and cayenne.
Pinkie Pie took the next. So did Radish. This one was more of a nasal heat, like horseradish.
They took the third. It was jalapeño. The fourth was habanero. Pinkie Pie savored hers. Radish chewed his unhappily.
They took the fifth. Radish didn’t taste anything but a hint of vanilla.
“Uh, what’s this?”
Pinkie Pie coughed hers down.
“What?”
“I think mine was a dud.”
“Oh? Really?”
She looked at the box. She twisted her neck to look at it upside-down. Sweat dripped down her brow.
“Pinkie Pie, did you mean to give yourself a bunch of fake ones?”
“No… that would be cheating…”
“You’re right. That was wrong of me to accuse you. Let’s keep going.”
Radish took the sixth. It was obviously a cherry sour.
Pinkie Pie shakingly took hers. Her face turned flush.
Radish popped his seventh in his mouth. Caramel. Pinkie Pie reluctantly ate hers. She gasped air over her tongue. She whimpered and drew her hooves around herself. She seemed to be melting onto her chair.
Radish reached for his eighth, paused, and then took the eighth from Pinkie Pie’s row.
“Hey, that’s mine,” she croaked hoarsely.
“Oops. But both rows are the same, right? Just take mine.”
They ate each other’s candies. Radish’s tongue spasmed. Fire spread up his cheeks and into the back of his throat. Pain beyond anything he could describe enveloped his mouth, nose, and stomach. Pinkie Pie breathed a sigh of relief and chewed hers, savoring its juiciness.
Radish reached for Pinkie Pie’s ninth.
She quickly slapped his hoof away. “Don’t do it!”
He snatched it anyway. He offered his ninth to hers. She took it, looking worried. They ate.
Radish slammed his hoof on the table. He couldn’t control his tears. His own tongue was a white-hot poker rolling around in his mouth. His stomach was in revolt. He buckled onto the tabletop, shivering and sweating.
He blindly reached for Pinkie’s number ten. She swept the table, sending the box and the remaining candies onto the floor. She ran up to him and gave him a cold glass of milk. He swallowed it in one gulp.
“Frens hudnt huuze… ugh…”
“Yeah, friends shouldn’t use food to hurt each other.”
“Thorry.”
“I’m thorry too.”
They hugged.
Radish entered Carousel Boutique and found Rarity affixing clothes onto a mannequin.
“Rarity?”
“Oh, hello, major!”
“I’ve come to-”
“Yes, yes. Your apology, no? Hardly necessary. A card would have sufficed.”
“No, it wouldn’t have.”
“But as long as you’re here, there is something you could do for me.”
“Yes?”
She pointed to a box at the top of some shelves.
“Could you get that down for me?”
He took a stepladder and retrieved the box. She pulled a hat out of it and placed it on the mannequin’s head. She smiled.
“Thank you, dear. That’s all I require.”
“Come on, Rarity. I want to make it up to you.”
“Oh, I’m hardly holding a grudge, Radish. I was a little embarrassed by how easily you, uh, dealt with me, but I deserve that. I mean, maggots, really. Sweetie Belle isn’t as repulsed by them.”
She walked up to him.
“Your feelings about your cutie mark are completely valid. Just as I may put away garments that are longer in style, so too should you be allowed to shed a cutie mark that dashes your panache.”
She leaned to gaze at his equal sign cutie mark.
“Besides, I think equal signs look rather good on you! They exude a stately matter-of-factness which suits you perfectly.”
“Thank you, Rarity.”
“Now, for my part, I wish to craft you something bespoke. A nice, smart vest, perhaps?”
“Actually, I was hoping to get something for Light. Do you still do commissions for jewelry?”
“But of course! What did you have in mind?”
Radish pulled his notes out of his bag and showed them to Rarity.
“So, Light’s a wing size eight. I was thinking a dark red tourmaline, but-”
“Radish… is this… an engagement ring!? ”
“Yes. See, pegasi rings are traditionally worn-”
Rarity sputtered, squealed, then pulled him in for a tight hug.
“Why didn’t you say so!? Oh, you perfect fool! Do you know how long I’ve waited to craft an engagement ring for a friend!?”
She let him go, then put a hoof to the side of her mouth and whispered.
“Frankly, our gals seem to be pursuing every pursuit except for love. At this rate, I’d imagine our mailmare will get married before any of them.”
“Why the mailmare?”
“Oh, you haven’t met her, have you? Well, she’s a sweetheart, but she’s a bit of a mess. But enough about her! Radish, I’m going to craft Light the most glorious ring Equestria’s ever seen! She’ll be the envy of Canterlot! The princesses themselves will gnash their teeth and cry, ‘Why, Rarity? Why have you not presented us with such fineries?’ And I’ll say, ‘Here’s an order form, dears, let’s talk.’”
“You know Light kind of likes things, well, understated?”
“Yes, she’s a bit… alternative , I suppose is the charitable term.”
“Hey! Watch it.”
“Ha! Just testing your commitment, Radish. It is true love, then, isn’t it?”
“Yeah.”
“‘Yeah’, he says,” Rarity laughed. “Come. Let’s go over the particulars.”
Radish sat at the counter and spread his notes.
“So, Spats had an idea for the hinge.”
“Oh. Spats . You consulted Spats on this, did you? Well, fine , let’s see what our dear friend Spats had to say about the hinge.”
Radish and Rarity went over the ring’s design for an hour. Rarity helped him pick out a design that was at the same time novel and classical.
“Thanks, Rarity. Could you keep this under wraps until it’s ready?”
“But of course, dear. Discretion is part of my business.”
“Now, about the price…”
“It’s free, of course.”
“Come on, that’s too much. I know how hard you work on stuff like this.”
“You’ve more than earned this, dear. You deserve this.”
“Thank you.”
“Not at all.”
They shook hooves. She walked him out her front door, and he gave her a wave before leaving.
“Oh, one last thing, Radish!” she called at him.
“Yes?”
“NOW!”
He heard a squeak above him, and looked up to see Sweetie Belle on the upper floor balcony. She overturned a jar, spilling hundreds of maggots out onto him.
Radish stood still and sighed. He shuddered as some of them crawled under his collar.
“Now everything is fine between us, major.”
“Great.”
“Good day, Radish.”
“Good day, Rarity.”
“Bye, Radish!”
“Bye, Sweetie Belle.”
Radish took the path to Fluttershy’s cottage. He took a deep breath as it came into view. She was outside, watering her butterfly garden. She heard his hoofsteps on the dirt path, and turned to look. She scowled.
“Fluttershy.”
“Radish.”
He gazed uneasily at her cottage.
“He’s not here. Just me.”
“I’d like to make peace.”
“Fine.”
“I’m sorry. What can I do?”
“There is something. I saw an injured baby creature in the Everfree Forest, and I’d like to bring it in for care.”
“Okay. What kind of creature is it?”
“A vampire watermelon.”
“Those are real?”
“I saw it from a distance the other day. It looked like it was in pain. It ran when I approached it.”
“It ran?”
“Well, rolled. You can track the sound it makes, sort of a ‘wurr wurr wurr’ noise. I drew you a map to where I saw it.”
“You’re not coming?”
“I have to take care of a rat.”
“Is it dangerous?”
“The rat? No, he has insomnia.”
“The vampire watermelon.”
“Only to other fruits.”
Three hours later, Radish emerged from the Everfree Forest, caked in mud, dripping with sweat, covered in insect bites, and wincing from thorn cuts and nettle stings. Stickseed burrs covered his clothes and fur.
“Radish? Is that you?”
Fluttershy was hovering above the forest’s edge. She landed in front of him, and gasped at the sight of him. He pulled a red-streaked watermelon out of his satchel. It buzzed in his hoof.
“Oh!”
She flew up to it and held it in her hooves. It buzzed a little softer.
“There, there. I’ll get you some pumpkin juice. Radish, I can’t believe you actually found…”
She lifted it up and checked under it.
“…him.”
“You thought I wouldn’t? You were sending me on a wild fruit chase?”
“I’m sorry. I was mad at you. But I was starting to get worried when you didn’t come back.”
“Are we good now?”
“You bled for this baby, Radish. I knew you weren’t a bad guy.”
She went in for a hug, then stopped at the sight of the mud and burrs.
“Uh, you should shower. I’ll get something for those cuts.”
Radish used Fluttershy’s shower. By the time he came out of the bathroom, Fluttershy had prepared tea. A rat was sleeping soundly in a tiny bed on one chair, while the vampire watermelon was sitting in another. He sat next to Fluttershy on a sofa. Her eyes drifted down to his equal signs. He noticed.
“Quite a big change, isn’t it?” he said, showing them off.
“Do you miss them at all?”
“Not really. I acknowledge that my life turned out more interesting because I had them, but I think my life’s interesting enough at this point. But sometimes I wonder if whatever drew them is disappointed in me.”
“You think something is out there, drawing cutie marks? Like a cosmic artist? My parents always told me that cutie marks are drawn by your own mind when it clicks with your talent.”
“I guess I always wanted to externalize the problem.”
“I wish you wouldn’t think of them as a problem.”
“Would you like to have grown up with them?”
“Oh, no!” she gasped.
Radish raised an eyebrow. Fluttershy cringed behind her teacup.
“I’m sorry. You’re right- I couldn’t have handled that growing up. But you did. And I bet that made you stronger, didn’t it?”
“I suppose.”
Fluttershy poured Radish some tea and set to work tending to his cuts.
“You’ve got a lot of old scars,” she said. “Are these from guard duty?”
“Some. Some are from my Ranger days. Some are from raptors perching a bit too tight.”
Radish looked at the vampire watermelon, unsure if it was looking back at him.
“Don’t you ever get worried about living next to that forest?” he asked.
“No, there are more potential friends in there than enemies.”
“Hmm. That’s a good way to look at it. Guards aren’t trained to think about potential friends, only potential enemies.”
“That’s too bad. But it could always change.”
“I suppose.”
“And you could be the one to change it.”
“That’s something to think on.”
She finished working on his cuts. She frowned. “Radish, I’m sorry we didn’t trust you enough to tell you about Starlight. I’ve been trying to think of what I could do to apologize, but all I could come up with was this. Here.”
She pulled his hind hooves onto the sofa, across her lap.
“What are you doing?”
“You traveled all over the forest today to help my new friend. You’re constantly traveling all over Equestria to protect us ponies from bad guys. Your tired hooves deserve a nice, relaxing massage.”
“Fluttershy, that’s a bit… intimate.”
“Hush, now.”
“But I’m… ooh…”
Radish lay back while Fluttershy gave Radish a long, thorough hoof rub. She hummed softly as she worked. He closed his eyes and relaxed.
After an indistinct amount of time, she finished, hugged him goodbye and sent him on his way. He felt like he was walking on clouds.
As he walked away, he thought he could hear her talking softly to someone. He looked back at her, but she was only smiling and waving. He trotted on.
It was late afternoon by the time Radish reached the gates of Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack was nervously pacing her front porch as he approached. She saw him and waved.
“Radish!”
“Applejack. I’ve come to make amends.”
“Good. ‘Cause I sure could use your help, earth pony farmer to earth pony farmer.”
Radish looked around. “With apples?”
“Nah, this is bigger than apples. C’mon.”
She led him through the orchards. After dozens of rows, they reached a clearing where her brother Big Macintosh stood, staring worriedly into a hole in the ground.
“Is that my grave?”
“Har har. Take a look. Winona dug this up this morning.”
Her brother stepped back as Radish looked into the hole. There was something at the bottom- a lumpy object, about five feet long, wrapped in a filthy burlap sack. It wiggled slightly.
Radish startled back. He looked at Big Macintosh.
“Is that…?”
“Eeyup.”
“Wow! Yours?”
He shook his head.
“We bought these acres from our neighbor, Golden Harvest, a while ago. She says she had no idea it was here,” said Applejack.
“I can believe that. These could still be buried all over Equestria, and we’d never know it.”
“You ever see one?”
“No, but my mother’s family had one in ancient times.”
“Would your family want this one?”
“They’re non-transferrable. If it’s going to spawn, it’ll spawn for these lands alone. If you don’t want that, you could remove it from the ground, and it’ll stop growing. Kind of a waste.”
Applejack looked at the thing.
“You think? You trust these… things?”
“This is rare knowledge, Applejack. An ancient earth pony science. What if this is the only one left in the world? You want the world to be just a little less interesting?”
“We ain’t superstitious or nothin’. It’s just…”
“‘What would the neighbors think?’”
“I know, that sounds silly. But Sweet Apple Acres has more competition each year. If a rival farm found out we had this, they could smear us until we lose all our customers.”
“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking about the business side to this.”
“We have to, all the time.”
He slid down into the hole. He put a hoof on the sack.
“It doesn't look that old. Who owned this parcel before Golden Harvest?”
“Nopony. It was grassland.”
Radish climbed out of the hole and dusted his hooves.
“Grassland on the edge of Apple property? Between you and the Everfree?”
Applejack looked out to the horizon. “Are you saying what I think you think you’re saying? Think hard now. And say it clear.”
“You tell me. Is this something they would have done?”
She looked into the hole. Big Macintosh walked up to her and hugged her. They looked at each other.
“Ma and Pa musta planted this here. They were thinkin’ it could protect us, no matter what everypony else may have thought.”
Big Macintosh nodded.
“We’ll let it be. If it blooms, it’ll be as welcome as any apple tree. No- as any Apple family member. If Ma and Pa didn’t care about the taboos on Farm Golems, then neither will we. ”
She kicked the edge of the hole, collapsing a blanket of soil back onto it. She packed it down carefully, then turned to give Radish a hug.
“Thanks, Radish. I feel a lot better about it now. You’re alright with me.”
“Really?”
“Really. Don’t worry none about that knock to the head you gave me. I’m a tough ol’ gal. All ya wounded was my pride, and I got pride miles wide.”
“Thanks, AJ.”
“Now,” she said, stepping closer with her head hung low, “I’m mighty sorry about tryin’ to scuffle with ya. How can I make amends?”
Radish nodded to the buried Farm Golem. “Just write me if it looks like it’s about to spawn. Seeing it happen would be a once-in-a-lifetime event.”
“Alrighty.”
They shook hooves. They turned to leave, but as Applejack walked ahead, Radish felt a heavy hoof across his shoulders. Big Macintosh gripped him hard and pulled him in close.
“If’n you ever harm a member of this family again,” he growled under his breath, “that won’t be the only thing buried out here.”
Radish shuddered in primal fear. He could only weakly mutter an assent.
Then, an idea struck him. He leaned into Big Macintosh and whispered, “Would you ever consider dating Twilight Sparkle?”
Big Macintosh shook his head.
“Bit of a trouble magnet, ain’t she?” he whispered back.
“Know any guys who like trouble?”
“How ‘bout Discord?”
“Nope. No. Uh-uh. No way.”
“Then I can’t help ya.”
As they returned to the farmhouse, they found Rainbow Dash hovering in front with her hooves crossed.
“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. Sucker Punch himself. Saving the best for last?”
“Rainbow Dash. How can I make things right?”
“Oh, I don’t know… how about this!? ”
She swooped and snatched up Radish in her hooves, then blasted into the sky. She carried him higher until Sweet Apple Acres looked like a model set.
“Uh, Dash?”
“You slammed me into the ground, so I’m going to slam you into the ground from the same altitude, at the same speed.”
“Dash…”
“Unless you can dish it out but can’t take it?”
Radish looked at the ground. He looked up at Dash’s face. “If this is what it takes, Dash, fine.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I mean it. There’s going to be a new crater with your name on it.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
“Fine!”
She reached her apex, then dove. Radish felt the air compressing against his back. He tensed up. The ground was seconds away.
He closed his eyes.
“Ragh! Darn you, Radish!” called Rainbow Dash.
She pulled up at the last second, flying Radish parallel to the ground and inches away from it. The sudden shift in g-force pressed his guts into a pancake. She looked at him with pain in her eyes.
“How could you do it!?” she cried over the rushing air. “How could you betray us like that!? How could you hurt me!? We’re supposed to be friends!!”
“I’m sorry, Dash.”
They crashed through a wall of stacked hay bales and came tumbling out the other side in a burst of flying hay. They hit the ground and rolled to a stop. Dash landed on top of Radish.They looked each other in the eye, both breathing hard.
“I’m sorry, too,” she said.
She hugged him. He hugged her back. They held each other until their heartbeats returned to normal. Dash rolled off of Radish, and the two stared up at the sky.
“Radish, you and I are pretty similar, aren’t we?”
“Nice of you to say.”
“Promise me we’ll never fight again?”
“I promise, Rainbow Dash.”
“Good. Let’s go to dinner.”
“Aren’t you going to do something for me as an apology? All the other girls did.”
“I did. I made the dinner.”
“Since when do you cook?”
“Since you inspired me to learn how.”
“Since when do I inspire you?”
She rolled over to look at him. “Radish… you’ve been inspiring me since the bat pony mission.”
“Oh.”
Radish and the girls arrived at Twilight’s castle as a group. Twilight opened the doors and grinned widely.
“Hi! How’d it go?” she asked excitedly.
“I think it was a success,” said Radish. “Right, girls?”
“All good here!” said Pinkie Pie.
“We are boon companions once more,” said Rarity.
“I’m happy to be friends again,” said Fluttershy.
“Yup! We’re even-steven!” said Applejack.
“Solid as a rock,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Great! Come on in!”
While the other girls chatted over aperitifs, Twilight took Radish into the throne room. There was now a large circular crystal table growing right from the floor between the thrones.
“So, this is the map?” he asked, peering closely.
“Yep. It hasn’t activated since it sent us to Starlight’s village, but I doubt it was a one-time thing. I think this is going to send us all over Equestria and beyond.”
“To fight villains?”
“To spread the Magic of Friendship!”
“Hmm.” Radish tapped the table. Nothing happened. “How does it know what’s out there? Is it somehow monitoring all of Equestria at once?”
“Twilight! Radish!” called Spike from another room. “Dinner is served!”
“Coming!” called Twilight. “Come on, Radish. Whatever mysteries the map holds, we’ll solve in due time.”
“Right. In due time. Let’s eat.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root and Light Fantastic trekked their way across the gray dry plains of the Flint Steppes.
“Almost there, hon,” said Radish.
“Okay.”
“You look nervous.”
“I’ve never met a guy’s parents before. I’ve never dated a guy who liked his parents before.”
“They’ll love you.”
They crested a hill and saw the Root homestead in the distance. The beets were coming in. Light stopped to take it all in.
“It really is an old-fashioned earth pony farm in the middle of nowhere. I just never considered how different our upbringings were. I don’t know anything about anything I’m seeing here.”
“Honey, aren’t you always saying art is about getting out of your comfort zone?”
“No, it’s about getting others out of their comfort zone. I’ve never left mine before.”
“And you still haven’t.”
He waved his hoof at the farm.
“I want you to think of this as your comfort zone, too.”
“Okay. Do they know the latest about your cutie mark?”
“Yeah, I wrote them explaining everything.”
As they approached the farm, they heard a crunch on the dry earth behind them. They turned to see a griffon in a Plains Rangers uniform, aiming a crossbow at them.
“Don’t move.”
“Gibbs, I presume?” asked Radish. “I’m Radish Root.”
Gibbs made a series of gestures with a closed claw. Radish made some back with this hoof.
“Okay. The verbal password?”
“Petitgrain.”
Gibbs lowered his crossbow.
“Welcome home, major. And hello to you too, miss.”
“Thanks for guarding this place,” Radish said, holding out a hoof. Gibbs shook it.
“Hey, it’s what Rangers do. Besides, I want a chance at Glimmer, the same as anycreature. The reward on her is massive.”
“Nice hardware, by the way.”
Gibbs hefted his crossbow, showing its payload. The crossbow bolt was tipped with a small ceramic cylinder.
“Oh yeah. Proprietary anti-magic blend. I don’t know the recipe, but supposedly it’s a mix of everything that ever gave a spellcaster a bad day. This’ll put Glimmer down for the count, and these ,” he said showing off his talons, “will make her regret ever targeting a princess.”
“Happy hunting, Ranger,” said Radish.
Gibbs flew off. Radish and Light walked the dirt path to the Root home.
“Honey, his orders are to take Glimmer alive, right?”
“If he can. Are you worried for her life?”
“If I got my hooves on her, I’d beat her to a pulp. But I’d let the pulp live.”
“You’re all heart, Fan.”
They reached the house’s porch. Radish knocked on the door. It opened wide. Radish’s parents stood there, smiling.
“Ma! Pa!”
“Radish!”
They hugged. Light stood by nervously. “Hello, I’m-”
“And you must be Light Fantastic! I’m Beet Root!”
“I’m Celery Root!”
They hugged her and pulled her inside.
“So, Light. Tell us about yourself,” said Beet Root, filling Light’s wine glass. The four were gathered in the living room.
“Well, I was born in Cirruscinati. My parents worked with lightning. I tried cloud sculpting, but when I got too creative with cloud shapes, I got into trouble. So I moved my art onto canvas, and never looked back.
“I ended up in Canterlot because I wanted to meet a few prominent artists there. But most of them moved on by the time I got there. They’ll be back. Anyway, I met Radish at the coffeehouse, and the rest you know.”
“What attracted you to Radish that night?” asked Celery Root.
“Ma! ”
“His poem.”
“He’s never shared it with us,” said Beet.
“And I never will,” said Radish firmly.
“And he was really sitting there, with his cutie mark out for all to see?” Celery asked.
“Yeah! I thought it was the coolest thing I’d ever seen!”
“So Radish has her in a headlock, but of course, her neck is like the size of a whole normal pony. So she just tosses him off and slams him against the wall!” Light exclaimed, pantomiming the action.
“Did it hurt?” Celery Root asked, adding another dish to the dining table.
“No, he just jumped off the wall and dragged her to the ground!”
“Fanny, you weren’t even there,” sighed Radish.
“Yeah, but like two hundred ponies were. The unofficial unauthorized book about the fight came out days later.”
“It was anonymous, but I’m pretty sure Maple Bar wrote it,” said Radish. “It contains phrases she tends to use.”
“And Princess Celestia didn’t fire you?” Beet Root asked.
“No, we’re on good terms.”
“Yeah, for a berserker, she’s a real sweetheart,” chuckled Light.
“In fact, wrestling bouts became a lot more popular with palace personnel after that,” Radish said. “Celestia hasn’t done it again, but the bat ponies all do it. They’re the reigning champions. They took the title away from me, and have been fighting over it since.”
“How’ve they been?” asked Celery. “We miss them.”
“They’ve been great. I’m sorry I couldn’t get them to come guard this place. Luna has them working on some secret project.”
“Honey, we’re fine here. Gibbs is always nearby, and Strauss and Mickey are guarding us, too.”
“Who are they? Other rangers?” asked Light.
“No, farm helpers,” said Beet. “Strauss? Mickey? Come meet Radish and Light!”
A Barred Owl flew in the kitchen window and landed on the table. It dropped something in front of Light. She stared at it. It was a Coral Snake. It stared at her.
“Honey, is this…”
“Yep, venomous,” said Radish. “Yellow to red, kill pony dead.”
Light grinned uneasily at the snake. She inched back. “Hey, there, buddy. I’m allowed to be here,” she assured it.
“Between the day and the night, one of them is always awake,” explained Beet Root.
“Thanks for helping,” said Radish.
Strauss hopped up on Radish’s shoulder. Mickey slithered up Light’s hoof and curled around her neck like a scarf.
“Yeah, I feel safer already,” she said.
“So, Light, how’s the shop?” asked Celery Root.
“Doing well,” said Light, trying to ignore Mickey. “We’re adding glow-in-the-dark variants for everyone to the lineup.”
“Lineup?”
“Light here makes merchandise of various celebrities as wrestlers,” explained Radish. “It started with my match with Celestia, then just blew up from there.”
“So there’s some of you, son?” asked Beet Root.
“Especially him! Check this out- I brought this for you two,” said Light.
She reached in her bag and pulled out a Nightmare Root figurine, placing it on the table in front of Celery. It depicted Radish striking a powerful fighting pose, wearing a more fantastic and stylized version of standard wrestling gear. Mickey flicked his tongue at it.
“Whoa! Look at that!” exclaimed Celery Root.
“Nightmare Root is always a steady seller. Especially with young ladies ,” Light said, winking. “If I hadn’t come along, he’d probably now be knee-deep in pu- uh, fan appreciation.”
“If Light hadn’t come along, I wouldn’t have fought Celestia at all.”
“Oh, you should have seen her spa!” said Light. “There’s an indoor waterfall so tall, I nearly drowned in its undertow!”
Radish sat on the back porch, listening to the frogs sing. His father sat in the next chair, looking at the moon.
“So, some of it’s yours, huh?” he asked, passing Radish a beer.
“Yeah, Luna gave The Sea of Omens to me. She’s nice like that.”
“We really like Light Fantastic.”
“I knew y’all would get along.”
“How… uh… are you going to… well, what’s your thinking on, you know…”
“She’s the one, dad. The ring is being made.”
“Glad to hear it.”
They clinked beer bottles.
“But… there’s this thing Twilight Sparkle said to me. About how she couldn’t pretend her enemies wouldn’t target her love life. And my enemies have targeted Light before.”
“The Wagoners, right?”
“Celestia warned them off from Light, but that’s not going to work with Glimmer. Dad, I’m scared for her.”
“Son, there’s always going be some villain out there. There’s always going to be an excuse not to have the life you want.”
“I just want to hold off until Glimmer’s behind bars. Or in an urn.”
“That may never happen. And then Glimmer’s beat you without even doing anything.”
“There’s another way. I can transfer to the Royal Excursionary Force. Join the team that’s actively hunting her.”
“Then you’d be away from Light, indefinitely.”
“I’d be doing it for her.”
“Have you talked to her about it?”
“She wouldn’t want me to do it.”
“Then why are you considering it?”
“Dad, would you consider being away from mom indefinitely if it meant protecting her?”
“In a heartbeat. Damn. I didn’t think I’d lose this argument.”
“Love makes the argument for us, doesn’t it?”
“Son, if you have to do this, I get it. But you may never get Glimmer, and you may lose Light. For all you know, Twilight Sparkle will have Glimmer turned to stone by the time you get back.”
“Dad, Twilight may try to reform her. She does it for all her villains.”
“And what, you want to get Glimmer first so Twilight can’t give her that chance at reform? If you did that with Nightmare Moon, you wouldn’t have Luna. And you said she’s nice.”
“There’s no good side underneath Starlight waiting to be set free. There’s no reforming somepony like her.”
Beet Root sighed.
“Good luck, son.”
Radish’s childhood bedroom was more or less as he left it as a teen, but as his old bed wasn’t big enough for two, the Roots had prepared their guest bedroom for the couple. Celery was showing Light the closet where the extra linens were stored.
“Uh… Mother Root?”
“Just call me Celery, dear.”
“Celery… are you disappointed that Radish is with me instead of Celestia?”
Celery smiled. “Did you think we were hoping he’d be our ticket into the royal family?”
Light nodded.
Celery put a hoof on Light’s shoulder. “Light, we’d have been happy if Radish had stayed on the farm for the rest of his life. We’re proud that he left to find his place in the world. And we’re overjoyed that he met you.”
Light looked down. “Oh… thanks.”
“You’re welcome, Light.”
“Call me ‘Fanny’.”
“That’s so pretty! Okay, Fanny.”
Radish and Light snuggled into each other in the guest bed. Radish blew out the light.
“Rad, thanks for expanding my comfort zone.”
“Any time.”
“But this isn’t one of those things where I’m expected to be up before dawn to help with chores, is it?”
“Nah, beets let you sleep in.”
“Nice.”
Light stretched out, allowing herself to sink into the mattress. Radish leaned on his hoof to look at her. “Say, uh, Light?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you worried about Glimmer being out there?”
“A little. But the whole country is hunting for her. She’s probably fled Equestria by now.”
Starlight Glimmer sat in a dark corner booth of a mostly-forgotten restaurant in an old part of downtown Canterlot. A yellow unicorn stallion took the seat opposite her, glancing around apprehensively.
“Do you have it?” he asked.
Starlight placed an object wrapped in cloth on the table. She unwrapped it just enough so the stallion could see what it was. It was Radish Root’s cutie mark, still encased in a chunk of crystal. The stallion leaned forward in amazement.
“Whoa.”
“As you can see, this cutie mark guarantees that Princess Celestia will fall in love with its owner. With this on your flanks, you could walk right into the palace and become her long-awaited prince.”
“Where did it come from?”
“We agree to no questions asked, remember?”
“Right. Sorry.”
“Now, your end of the bargain.”
The stallion unfolded a worn map of Equestria onto the table. He had drawn a large number of crisscrossing lines across the nation, and circled an area where several intersected.
“I’ve always been sensitive, you see- sensitive to the invisible currents and tides of magical energy that flow across Equestria. Most unicorns dismiss them as mere background noise, but I’ve charted them, and discovered patterns.”
“So what?”
“Right here,” he said, pointing to the circle, “there’s an anomaly in the Mountains of Difficult Terrain. Like a whirlpool of dark magic.”
“Ooh, that does sound interesting. What’s causing it?”
“I don’t know. It’s not on any record. There must be something hidden in there. A secret place that holds staggering magic power.”
“Just waiting for somepony to go and claim it,” Starlight mused.
“So… do we have a deal?”
“If that place has what I need, the cutie mark is yours. Come on, we’re leaving right now.”
“You want me to go with you? I- I can’t. I’ve got-”
Starlight’s horn lit up. The stallion felt a constriction around his throat.
“I wasn’t asking. Now, move.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish stood before Barrel Roller’s desk. A large map of western Equestria was spread out over it.
“Root, regarding your request to join the Royal Excursionary Force squad hunting Glimmer…”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Denied.”
“I see, ma’am.”
“Because I think we found her.”
“Ma’am!?”
“The Rangers have had a lookout posted in the Mountains of Difficult Terrain ever since the bat pony mission. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s been hearing teleport bursts all over the place.”
“Hmm. Teleportation is a rare power, and it’s one Glimmer was good at. It could be her. That means she could be looking for Nightmare Moon’s lair.”
“That’s what the REFs are thinking, too. They’ve sent a unit out there. Pack your saddlebags- you’re going out there as a consultant.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. You ever work with the Royal Excursionary Forces before?”
“No, ma’am.”
“They like to be difficult. Don’t be difficult back- guards take the high road.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“One other thing. The bat ponies know the area better than anyone. Try to convince Big Blue to send at least one.”
“Oh… it’s Tuesday. That’s their movie night together.”
“We all have to make sacrifices, Root.”
Luna’s tower guards directed Radish to her rumpus room. He knocked on the door.
“Enter,” she called from inside.
Radish entered. Luna was resting on a divan, reading.
“Princess Luna?”
“Radish Root! What a pleasant surprise. Come.”
“How’ve you been?”
“Quite well. And you?”
“Well…”
“Yes, I’ve heard about your recent ups and downs. You’ve not been having nightmares, though, so I’ve not had an opportunity to see you through them.”
“Well, there must be millions of ponies having nightmares out there. I wouldn’t expect you to notice mine.”
“Not at all. I have an order to these things. Those closest to me get preferential treatment. You are near the top of the list.”
“Really?”
“Who else? You are still my Champion, even if we no longer spend the nights together.”
“Thank you, Princess Luna.”
“Please, let us dispense with the formality, now and forever. Simply ‘Luna’ will do.”
“Oh, really? Okay... Luna. Whoa, that feels strange.”
“Not to me.”
“I have a request.”
“Speak it.”
“I’d like to take one or more bat ponies back to Nightmare Moon’s secret mad science laboratory. Starlight Glimmer may be sniffing around there, and they could help find or stop her.”
“That is fine. You may take Echo. He has been quite a pill lately.”
“Thanks, Luna. It still feels strange to say.”
“You’ll get used to it. But Radish- do not enter the lair under any circumstances.”
“What if Starlight Glimmer already has?”
“Then contact me. Send Echo back with the news. I will confront this Glimmer in my own home.”
“You mean, Nightmare Moon’s home.”
“Radish,” she sighed, closing her book. “All of Nightmare Moon’s misdeeds are mine to make up for.”
“You’re not her. You’re nothing like her.”
“Ponies can go bad, Radish. But ponies can also go good.”
“Are you talking about Glimmer? You know what she did to me. To Light. To a hundred other ponies in her town. To Twilight and her friends.”
“I know. I do not blame you for wanting to hurt her back.”
“I… don’t want to hurt her. I just want to take her in. By the book. For a fair trial. And I’m only going as a consultant. The REFs will make the collar.”
“Then I hope they share your commitment to doing things fair and by-the-book.”
“They’re professionals. Sworn to uphold the law.”
“Laws may become hard to read through eyes reddened with rage. I suffered greatly to learn this lesson.”
She stood up off the divan and approached him with worried eyes.
“I hope you will keep your eyes clear and focused, Radish.”
“I won’t disappoint you, Luna.”
“It is easier to say now?”
“It is… Luna .”
“Well, you don’t have to say it like that .”
Radish Root and Colonel Martingale of the Royal Excursionary Force stood in front of the hidden door to Nightmare Moon’s lair. Echo hovered over them. The sawtooth quicksand had been left intact, but every pony in the field knew how to identify and avoid it now.
“Well, this door hasn’t been budged since we last went through it.”
“The hangar door is intact, too,” said Martingale.
“Echo, are there other entrances around here?”
“Yes, brother. One under the big rock. One behind the other big rock. One-”
“Could you check them and tell me if they’ve been used lately?”
“Yes.”
Echo flew off. A pegasus in a REF uniform landed in his place.
“No strange hoofprints. She’s probably teleporting from rock to rock. And there’s a lot of rocks out here. The unicorns would love it if they could scan for her spell residue.”
“They scan, they set off Nightmare Moon’s traps,” said Radish. “I’d prefer if Glimmer did that first.”
The pegasus nodded and flew away. Martingale eyed Radish.
“So, major, any idea how Glimmer learned about Nightmare Moon’s base?”
“She mentioned she spent a long time traveling and researching old archives. She must be following up on a rumor.”
“You spent a few days with her, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure you didn’t let something slip about this place?”
Radish frowned. “Royal Guards don’t ‘let things slip’.”
“Unless it’s to the CAA, right?”
Radish scowled. An unconscious yellow unicorn stallion dropped at their feet. Echo landed next to him.
“This one was caught in a Nightmare Snare.”
“Thank you, Echo. This isn’t Glimmer, but it might be an ally of hers.”
Martingale clamped cuffs and a horn ring on the stallion.
“We’ll see what we can get out of him.”
“Okay, I think-” Radish started.
“I mean we . The REF can conduct its own interrogations. We’ll report our findings to your captain.”
“I may be able to get more out of him if he knows I was in Glimmer’s clutches, too. Build sympathy through shared experiences.”
“Maybe royal guards tell prisoners their life stories, but we don’t give them a thing.”
“Fine. Come on, Echo.”
Radish led Echo a distance away. They stood together on a hill, watching the troops.
“Echo, can you hear them from here?”
“Yes.”
“What are they saying?”
“Martingale is saying, ‘Don’t start until you get the soundproofing spell up. We don’t want that bat listening in. ’ I believe he refers to me, brother.”
“Sonofa- they don’t trust us.”
“You don’t trust them, though.”
“Glimmer is dangerous. And they’re treating this like they’re looking for a lost dog.”
“We will acquire her, Radish.”
“Yeah.”
Radish sat down on a rock. Echo sat next to him. Radish took a swig from his canteen, watching the REF squad comb the mountains.
“I could’ve been a REF, you know. We got recruitment flyers in the mail at the farm. ‘Patrol exotic locales, meet exotic creatures, make your princess proud ’, that kind of thing.”
“Was that not what you wanted? To make Celestia so proud she would tryst with you?”
“I was thinking about it. But Equestria was peaceful back then. It didn’t seem like that would change. Nothing to earn glory on- just endless marching. Then I got a flyer for the Plains Rangers. It was less about what the service could do for me, and more about what the service did for others.
“It had quotes from ponies who got rescued by Rangers when they thought they were about to die out in the wilderness. Something about that clicked for me. Saving someone when they were at their lowest seemed pretty great to me.”
Radish got his binoculars on the troops as they carried the unicorn to their outpost of temporary buildings. He was regaining consciousness, and looked around at his surroundings in a panic.
“Or maybe I was being selfish. Maybe I just wanted glory that was more personal, not diluted across a whole company. Heck, maybe I’d come across Celestia’s chariot crashed in some desert, and save her all by myself!”
“And then she would tryst with you?”
“I guess I was pretty stupid, huh?”
“But you did help others, nonetheless?”
“Yeah. Stranded carts, lost hikers, elderly coyotes. Nothing to scoff at.”
“Luna does not scoff at you. Celestia does not. The brethren do not, either.”
“Thanks, Echo.”
Echo looked at the outpost.
“They put up the soundproofing spell.”
“Can you hear anyone outside of it?”
“A meal between junior officers. They are… scoffing at you. I will not repeat their words.”
“Thanks.”
“Radish, we should check inside the Mistress’s lair.”
“Sorry, Echo, Luna specifically ordered us not to.”
“Then, what do we do?”
“Let’s check in at Glad’s Glades.”
“To examine the entrance at the township?”
“Wait, there’s an entrance to the lair at Glad’s Glades?”
“Yes. The entrance is within the basement of Nightmare Moon’s cottage.”
“Nightmare Moon had a cottage in Glad’s Glades!? Luna never mentioned it.”
“The Mistress rarely used it.”
“Okay. Show me.”
Echo kneeled, and Radish climbed on. They flew down the mountainside and into the town, where Echo dropped Radish off in front of a meticulously manicured cottage. It showed no sign of ever having anything to do with Nightmare Moon.
Then again, a hidden entrance to a hidden base wouldn’t advertise.
A pony trotted up the sidewalk hauling a cart full of garden tools.
“Excuse me, sir. Who lives here?” Radish asked him.
“No one. It’s been vacant as long as anypony can remember.”
“Really? It looks cared for.”
“Well, there are out-of-town owners. They pay to have it kept up, inside and out. I do the gardening, others do the dusting. But the owners never seem to come by. Their bank handles all the payments- they have for a long time.”
“But you know the owners’ name?”
“Yeah. The Moonglow family. Must be an old family- they’ve owned and ignored this house since before I was a colt.”
“I see. Thank you.”
“No prob. Say, are you with that military group up in the mountains?”
“That’s right. We’re conducting a search for a criminal.”
“Starlight Glimmer, right? Why here?”
“We can’t talk about it. But we’re dedicated to catching her.”
“Think she’s in that cottage, do you? Like she could be squatting in it as a hideout?”
“That, I can’t say.”
He fished a ring of keys out of his pocket.
“I’ll let you inside. But I’m not coming in with you. I don’t want to get blasted by a crazed unicorn.”
“Thanks.”
“Good luck.”
Radish and Echo entered the cottage. The interior had indeed been kept up. The layer of dust was normal for a home between routine cleanings. Junk mail had been collected and bundled.
Radish explored it. The furniture was old, resembling some of the pieces he had seen inside Nightmare Moon’s lair, and some rooms of the palace.
So this is what an ordinary home looked like a thousand years ago. I’m walking through history.
“Echo, could you show me the entrance to the lair?”
“Yes, it is in the basement. Come.”
Echo led Radish into the basement. It was bare. Echo trotted up to a stone wall.
“This is it.”
“It doesn’t look disturbed, either.”
“No. It has not been used since the old days.”
“Okay, that’s a load off my mind. But I’d like to check out the rest of the place.”
They returned upstairs.
“Echo, why did Nightmare Moon set up this cottage? Why did she need a hidden entrance in Glad’s Glades?”
“The apparatus needed to be built aboveground, in range of unwitting sleeping ponies.”
“What apparatus?”
“It is upstairs. Come.”
Echo led Radish upstairs. They took a hallway, and Echo stopped in front of a featureless metal door.
“I don’t see a knob,” said Radish. “Do you need magic to open it?”
“Yes, or the voice.”
Echo screeched at the door, and it slid open. They entered.
“Son of a sire!”
It was Starlight Glimmer.
She was inside a transparent sphere, hovering in the center of the room. She looked unconscious. Radish expanded his spear.
“Is that her, Envoy? The one who took your cutie mark?”
“Yep. What is that bubble she’s caught in?”
“The Fool’s Folly. Any interloper who tries to use the Mistress’s apparatus is caught in it.”
Radish looked at the wall behind her. It was dominated by a large lens, like that of a lighthouse, suspended on a lattice of golden struts. A control box stood apart from it, with thick conduits leading into the back of the device.
“What does it do?”
“She did not inform us.”
Radish walked around Starlight Glimmer’s floating body.
“Now I’m glad we never touched anything in the lair.”
“You would die, like her.”
“She’s dead!?”
Echo sniffed.
“She soon will be. She has been without food or drink for days.”
“Dang. It could have ended for her right in this room. Nopony might have ever known.”
“Could have? The Envoy intends to rescue her?”
Radish looked back at the door.
“We could just walk out. Seal the door again. Never report that we saw this. Leave her to her fate. It’s what she did to Light, after all. Maybe in another thousand years someone would find her skeleton, like Willow Wagoner’s.”
“But you do not desire her death?”
Radish stared at Glimmer’s helpless body. He closed his eyes and calmed himself.
“Desire or not, I can’t allow it. Not like this. I’d have to lie. I’d be sitting on that lie for the rest of my life. And knowing I left her wasting away in there would eat at me every day, worse than never knowing what happened to her.”
“Even knowing the harm she caused?”
Radish looked down at his palace expeditionary fatigues. Though they were designed with wilderness missions in mind, they weren’t camouflaged. In fact, they advertised- just as his armor had a star crest, his fatigues had a cloth star patch on the chest, signifying the wearer bore the authority of the crowns, and also the responsibilities that came with it.
“Especially knowing it. I have a duty, and that duty comes with a whole list of rules. And if I started breaking rules just because they didn’t suit me, I’d be just like her. And I’d expect you to arrest me, just as if I was her.”
Echo looked from Radish to Glimmer.
“I understand. You are saving someone at their lowest. For reasons greater than a tryst. But what do we do now?”
“Let’s go tell the REFs. They’ll take her in.”
“I am sorry that I told you of the cottage. You would be blameless for her demise.”
“No, Echo. You did the right thing. It’s just that sometimes the right thing doesn’t get us what we want.”
“You should get something nonetheless. Wait here.”
He left the room. Radish could hear the sounds of rummaging. He took the opportunity to snap photographs of the room and Starlight.
Echo returned with a rich blue cloak trimmed in silver. Its lining was deep purple. Its clasp looked like a full moon.
“A gift from a foreign land to Nightmare Moon. Woven of star spider thread. It will command respect, signify status, keep you warm, and protect from the sun’s baleful rays.”
Radish felt the cloak in his hooves. He threw it over his body and clasped it on. It fit well- Radish surmised it must have been more of a capelet for a pony of Nightmare Moon’s height.
“The Envoy looks grand! Perhaps even grand enough to captivate the Mistress!”
“Echo, I’m not trying to captivate Luna. I’m happy with Light.”
“The brethren have been talking. We feel you aim too low.”
“You just need to get to know Light.”
“We were bred to shun the light.”
“Hey, that was a joke, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Good one.”
“Thank you.”
“Come on. Let’s report this moron. At least they can arrest her, and she won’t hurt anyone ever again. Oh, and thank you for the cloak. I love it.”
“Captain Spitfire may love it, too.”
“Echo…”
“Something to consider.”
“Hey up there! Is she in here?” called a voice from the hallway.
The gardener from outside stepped into the room, warily brandishing his shovel like a weapon.
“Please stay back, sir,” said Radish, holding up a hoof. “This room is highly dangerous.”
He pushed past Radish. He saw Starlight and laughed.
“No kidding! So this is where she’s been! I didn’t think that door could open.”
“Sir, please step away.”
“What are you going to do with her?”
“Arrest her.”
“And interrogate her?” he asked, cautiously.
“That’s royal business, sir.”
The gardener seemed distracted, as if turning something over in his mind.
“Why?” Radish asked. “Is there something she knows? Or is there something… you don’t want her telling anyone?”
The gardener now held his shovel close. He looked back at the door. Radish put his hoof on his sword’s hilt.
“You’re with her, aren’t you?” Radish asked.
“That’s quite an accusation, soldier.”
“I’m not hearing a ‘no’.”
“It is best that you answer the Envoy,” said Echo, cutting off his exit. “It is worst that you dissemble.”
“She showed up last week, all right? She knew this was Nightmare Moon’s place. Paid me for a spare key, and to keep quiet as she squat in it. Guess she underestimated ol’ Moony. What idiot would touch a supervillain’s doohickeys?”
“You knew this was Nightmare Moon’s place?”
“Open secret around these parts. Let me guess- Luna hasn’t noticed that one of her bank accounts has been paying to keep up this place for a thousand years? Must be nice to be so rich a whole house slips your mind.”
“You harbored a criminal.”
“Actually, it sounds like I caught a criminal. You’re welcome. There’s a reward, isn’t there?”
“Sure. Maybe it will cover your legal fees.”
“Now, don’t be like that. No one needs to know about any of this. I’ll split with you what she paid me, and we can seal her up in this room and go our separate ways.”
“Echo?”
“If Radish ignores the laws that do not suit him, I must arrest Radish,” said Echo.
“Looks like we’re out of options,” said Radish with a shrug.
“Well,” said the gardener, “maybe she can give me one.”
He reeled back his shovel like a baseball bat and swung it at Starlight. The shovel blade hit the sphere, knocking it out of the air and into the apparatus lens.
The sphere stuck to the lens like a fly on a spider’s web. Radish shoved the gardener to the floor and pulled out cuffs.
“Brother! The machine!” cried Echo.
Crackles of black energy arced between the Fool’s Folly and the apparatus lens. A green glow emanated from its center. The sphere faded in and out of existence, and Starlight’s eyes twitched.
Echo grabbed Radish by the scruff of his neck and ran out the door, crashing through a second-story window and taking flight.
“Echo! What-”
The room they fled exploded. Shards of roof tiles peppered the air, and chunks of flaming timber went flying in all directions.
A searing shockwave hit Echo, who was tossed head-over-tail. Radish slammed onto the roof of a house while Echo splat into its chimney. They both looked up.
Within the smoking ruins of the second story of the cottage, Starlight held herself and the gardener in a protective shield. She powered it down. She walked over to the gardener. He tried to struggle to his feet, but she kicked him back down to the floor. She shouted at him, though Radish’s ringing ears couldn’t make out what she said.
He motioned to Echo, who took his meaning. He hopped on Echo’s back, and drew the cloak’s hood down.
They gained height, then swooped toward Starlight. She didn’t see him coming. The gardener did, and covered his head with his hooves. Starlight, assuming he was cowering from her, laughed and kicked his face. He fell over unconscious. She spat more angry words at him, then teleported away just as Echo’s front hooves pierced the space she had been.
Echo skidded to a stop. He took flight again, taking a hovering position over the village. He scanned with echolocation while Radish glassed the area with his binoculars.
“I do not detect her,” Echo said.
“I don’t either,” said Radish.
“Such long teleports in such a weakened state! Her formidability was not exaggerated. I am sorry, brother. This is my fault. I will take all blame.”
“No, like I said, some days you do all the right things, and you still don’t get what you want.”
He saw the unconscious gardener in the smoking cottage.
“But some days you get a consolation prize.”
As they approached the lair environs with the cuffed and unconscious gardener, Martingale flagged them down.
“Root! Come see!”
Starlight Glimmer was on the ground- unconscious, bound, and with a stack of nullifier rings on her horn.
“How in the-”
“She just teleported right in the middle of us! Tried to run, but we took her down like cake. Who’s this?” Martingale asked, looking at the gardener.
“A townie. Working for her.”
“What was that blast we heard?”
“Another old trap. None of you came to check out the explosion?”
“We had our hooves full here.”
“What about that yellow unicorn?”
“Just another dumb patsy who fell for Glimmer’s claptrap. You know the type.”
“Glimmer would not have fallen to you if Radish Root did not set her up!” hissed Echo. “He deserves the glory for this victory!”
“Echo, it’s okay. All I want is breakfast,” Radish said, turning to leave.
“Nice cape, by the way,” Martingale called after him. “Oh, and major?”
Radish sighed and turned around. “What?”
He tossed an object wrapped in cloth at Radish. Radish caught it.
“We found this on her,” Martingale said. “Why don’t you keep it?”
Echo sniffed at it as Radish unwrapped it.
“What is it, brother?”
Radish’s eyes went wide.
“A consolation prize.”
Radish sat in front of Barrel Roller’s desk. She was chewing on a pen. She spit it out.
“Root, just finished your report.”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Fine work out there. You know how often I get to brag that a guard brought down a supervillain that slipped AG1?”
“I didn’t do much, ma’am. The REFs nabbed her, and Echo made it possible to find her. And Glimmer and her accomplices made some pretty big blunders.”
“Root, don’t qualify your victories. Exaggerate them. Boast about yourself for once.”
“I’m a Level Ten Badass and I’ll have your job soon, ma’am.”
“That’s what I like to hear. Oh, the big horns want to see you. Courtyard A.”
Radish entered the courtyard. Several of the planters had been changed up, and new exotic grasses were being grown. Radish looked up at the Balencian orange tree. It still had a dent where Celestia had backed Radish into it, but now it had a Mourning Dove’s nest in its branches. He saw Celestia and Luna sitting at a small table. Luna was drinking coffee, and Celestia had a nightcap of brandy.
“Major, congratulations on your successes in the field,” said Celestia.
“Thank you, ma’am. I’m relieved Glimmer’s finally off the board.”
“Your testimony will be invaluable in convicting her,” said Luna. “She will no doubt be as slippery in court as outside of it.”
“I’ll be prepared.”
“And major?” said Luna. “Thank you for rediscovering my cottage. I’d completely forgotten about it. I purchased it a long time ago, as a birthday gift for Celestia. Then, well, Nightmare Moon happened.”
“Oh, really?” said Celestia. “Thank you, sister. It should be a nice fixer-upper.”
“Is there anything you can tell me about the device there?” asked Radish.
Luna held up the photographs that Radish had taken of the lens apparatus. She shook her head.
“I haven’t the foggiest what it was intended to do, and that worries me,” she said, looking at them. “I am having technicians examine its remnants.”
She then cast a scanning spell over Radish, who held his breath.
“You’re not radioactive, at least. Perhaps you should see Magical Decontamination again.”
“I will. Thank you, Luna.”
They traded salutes, and he left.
Celestia raised an eyebrow at her sister.
“He just calls you ‘Luna’ now?”
Luna sipped her coffee.
“Yes. Why?”
“No reason.”
Radish stood in front of the open wall safe in his palace quarters. He pulled the object found with Starlight out of his bag and gazed at it. It was his cutie mark, still encased in a chunk of crystal. He placed it in the safe.
“Okay, you two,” he said to the little Radish and the little Celestia. “Now you’ve got a nice private room to do that in. Enjoy it.”
Radish closed and locked the safe.
The Only Mark That Matters
Starlight Glimmer carefully inspected her jail cell. It was plain and gray, without even a window. She looked up, trying to get her eyes on the anticornium ring on her horn. The warden had warned her against trying to melt it off, claiming it was far sturdier than the last one, and booby-trapped against tampering to boot.
She sauntered over to the bars and peered at the REF officer assigned to guard her cell. She looked at his cutie mark and scoffed.
“Hmm. Hoofcuff cutie marks? I guess you really had no choice but to become a prison guard, huh?”
“The prisoner will be quiet,” he flatly stated.
“Not that you can’t be content with that, of course! Sure, some ponies may get cutie marks that lead them to become wealthy entrepreneurs, or brilliant scientists, or beloved sports stars, but so what? Your cutie mark has you guarding this dingy little cell, so you must be right where you belong."
“The prisoner will shut up .”
She leaned closer and grinned smugly. “Us prisoners may come and go from this place, but you were given a life sentence here, weren’t you? Not by a judge or jury, but by a little tuft of color on your butt.”
The guard put a hoof on his baton. “I will shut you up, I swear.”
Starlight, undeterred, put her face in between the bars. “What if I told you it didn’t have to be that way?”
Radish entered Light’s store. Splash Page was showing Light a new issue of a comic. Light smiled at Radish.
“Hey, Splash, check it out- a real-life superhero.”
“Aw, it was nothing, Fan.”
“He took that Glimmer bitch down!” she proudly told Splash Page. “That’s something not even the Pastelles could handle!”
“Well, I… yeah. You’re right. I’m amazing.”
“Congrats, Radish,” said Splash Page.
“Hey, Spash, can I talk to you?” Radish asked.
“Uh, sure?”
Radish took Splash Page outside. “Hey, about that letter I gave you…”
“What letter?”
“The one for Light? I gave it to you after I was convicted? Please, don’t give it to her now. Just throw it away.”
“Oh, okay. You got it.”
“You lost it, didn’t you?”
“I resent that. And yes.”
A small group of prisoners clustered around Starlight Glimmer in her detention center’s exercise yard.
“You really removed a princess’s cutie mark?” a green earth mare asked.
“Oh, sure. It came right off.”
“So why didn’t you put it on yourself?” asked a skeptical pegasus. “Wouldn’t you have gotten her princess powers?”
Starlight smiled condescendingly. “Oh, you still don’t understand. Unmarking isn’t about getting powers, it’s about empowering yourself . Anypony could develop any skills they wanted, if it weren’t for cutie marks forcing them to specialize.”
She turned to a unicorn mare in the group. “You there- I bet you only ended up here because of your cutie mark, didn’t you?”
The unicorn looked down. “My cutie mark is a cogwheel. I thought it was leading me to become a great inventor. I even invented this device that would improve the flavor of water. I secretly installed it in my town’s water supply as a nice surprise for founders’ day. But when townsponies got addicted to the water and fought over it, the constable blamed me!”
“In a world without cutie marks, you wouldn’t have been forced into that situation. You’d be out there,” Starlight said, gesturing to the sky over the prison’s walls, ”doing whatever you want.”
“So what?” asked the pegasus with a sneer. “Things are the way they are. The world will never be like that.”
“Oh, yes it can be. I got close once,” said Starlight. “I can make that world happen, with the right kind of help.”
“Shh. A guard is listening,” said the unicorn.
Starlight glanced over her shoulder. The guard who had been outside her cell was now standing by the nearby wall, pretending not to listen in on the group’s conversation. Starlight smiled.
“It’s okay. Let him. My teachings are for everypony who wishes to hear them.”
Radish entered Celestia’s office and saluted her.
“You asked to see me, ma’am?”
“Radish, how are you feeling? Still no ill effects from the change?”
“No, ma’am. I feel a little slow, maybe, but I’ve been slower. If I lost some kind of talent with my cutie mark, I haven’t discovered what it was yet. I don’t seem to have gotten terrible at anything in particular.”
“Then, perhaps we can put that to the test.”
“Ma’am?”
“Radish, during your tenure as a guard, you’ve shown great skill at securing buildings- Luna’s tower for the wedding, the main tower for the coronation, and Twilight’s castle. You show a lot of thoroughness and creativity in finding a place’s weak spots.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
She leaned forward and smiled. “And it hasn’t escaped me that your cutie mark depicted you, well… getting past a royal’s defenses. Penetrating a sensitive area. Hitting a weak spot. ”
Radish’s face turned bright red and he looked away. “Ma’am!”
“I am saying that site security could be your special talent. Your cutie mark just depicted it in a very unusual way.”
Radish sighed. “I’ve had that thought, too ma'am. But why depict it that way? Why wouldn’t I just get a cutie mark of a castle, or a shield, or something anypony could understand?”
“I don’t know. But now that you no longer have your mark, perhaps we can confirm that’s what it meant, by seeing if you’ve become bad at it. Thus, I have a new assignment for you.”
“Ma’am?”
“The mission that Admiral Sunset Rider gave you as cover, I’d like you to carry out for real. Go to Fort Curly, evaluate it, and prepare a report on renovating it. If your ability to secure a building has changed for the worse, then we should be able to tell based on the quality of your report.”
“But… what if I’ve really become incompetent in that regard? What would I do around here? I… I can’t go back to tourist duty.”
Celestia put a hoof to her chin. “Hmm, well, Prince Blueblood is currently staying here. He could always use more guards to keep him out of trouble.”
Radish raised an eyebrow. “You’re trying to motivate me with fear, aren’t you?”
“Perhaps.”
“I’ll head out.”
Radish stood in the courtyard of Fort Curly, gazing around at the fort. Like the admiral had told him, the installation was long abandoned and dilapidated. Its buildings were adobe and its outer wall was a palisade of upright logs, sharpened to a point at their tops.
Okay. Gotta make this place impregnable. Let’s see…
He looked at the buildings. There were barracks, offices, storage buildings, and other miscellaneous structures.
First step is to replace the buildings. They need to be sturdier. What if they were metal?
No, that’s stupid. If this place was attacked by dragons, metal buildings would become ovens. What if we coated them in fireproof crystal?
No, that’s stupid. Dragons eat crystals. What if we camouflaged the fort, made it invisible from the sky?
No, that’s stupid. A fort needs to be visible and imposing, so Equestria’s enemies know we’re here. What if we put a big moat around the fort?
No, that’s stupid. This is an arid region. We’d have to schedule enough rainfall to keep it filled, and the cost would skyrocket.
Forget all that. Start inward and work outwards. We should rebuild the lookout tower taller, stronger, and add a… add a…
Radish looked around again. He frowned.
Radish stood nervously in front of Celestia’s desk. His report on Fort Curly was sitting on the desktop between them.
“Well, ma’am? How did I do?”
“Major, your report was… it was…”
He winced. “Don’t spare my feelings, princess.”
“It was conventional. It provided solid advice about fortifying the base, but it lacked your trademark creativity. It was, to be frank, a report Shining Armor could have written.”
Radish’s heart sank. He hung his head.
“Forgive me. I was… overwhelmed. I couldn’t concentrate. Couldn’t prioritize.”
“It’s okay, Radish. Look on the bright side- we may have just figured out your special talent.”
“After I’ve lost it, though…” He took a deep breath. “Ma’am, if protecting you means retaking my cutie mark-”
“There are many roles a guard may take around here. We’ll find something for you.”
“Please don’t make me babysit Blueblood.”
Celestia smiled. “Radish, what would you like to do around here?”
“I think I’d like to take up shield training.”
“Oh?”
“Those big tower shields, the little bucklers, and everything in-between. If I can’t protect Equestria with my mind, then I can at least protect it with my body. I’ll stand between you and villains like Glimmer, pushing back everything they throw at you.”
“Hmm. Very well. But Radish, don’t give up on your mind just yet. Equestria was built on ideas, and I think you still have many fine ideas to give.”
Starlight Glimmer leaned back in her jail cot, staring at her ceiling. She heard a tapping on her cell’s bars, and got up to check it out. Her guard- the same from before- was standing close to the bars, looking her in the eyes.
“I brought you something,” he said.
He placed a candy bar onto her door’s food slot. It was a fancy kind, not found in detention centers.
“Why?” asked Starlight.
“I want to hear more.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Cadance and Celestia met for tea and a special discussion in the Royal Breakfast Nook. Cadance placed a file folder onto the table.
“So, I’ve compiled some profiles of bachelors I think would make a nice match for you,” Cadance said. “But to narrow them down, I need to ask you some questions first.”
“Very well.”
“First of all, are you looking for someone who reminds you of your first love?”
Celestia looked aside. “Not necessarily. I’m ready to expand my horizons.”
Cadance made a note. “In that case, could you see yourself dating a non-pony?”
“I don’t see why not.”
“And given that, are you only considering males?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, next question: what really happened between you and Halcyon?”
Celestia crossed her forehooves. “How is that relevant?”
“Something happened between you and him that you’re not telling me. I need to know how it affected your heart.”
“Your husband classified those events for a reason, dear.”
“Oh, fine.” She opened the file folder. “Well, my first idea is a guy close to home. Since Luna now has her own chain of command, you could date any of her employees without breaking your silly rule against fraternizing with subordinates.”
“Are you suggesting I date a bat pony?”
“Actually, Luna’s taken one of the palace astronomers on as her assistant. A rather handsome, knowledgeable bull named Harold.”
Celestia frowned. “I, uh, don’t think that would work out.”
“I knew it! Harold is Halcyon, isn’t he?”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Yes. Congrats, you cracked the case.”
“I thought so. Let me guess- Halcyon came to court you, but he and Luna fell for each other instead. You graciously stepped out of their way so they could be together, and he is somehow disguising himself as Harold to let you save face?”
“Something along those lines. Let’s just move on.”
“Okay, I’ve been vetting a number of notable stallions-about-town…”
“Not some snooty upper-crust Canterlite, Cadance.”
“No, look.” She spread out an article she clipped from a trade magazine. “This stallion invented a new type of brick, and started a company to make them. He’s educated and charitable, and word is that he’s kind, noble, and single. Plus, he’s rather easy on the eyes, isn’t he?”
Celestia cocked her head at the article. It included a photograph of the stallion, a muscular tan earth pony. “Cadance, that stallion looks a lot like Radish.”
“Oh, does he?” She looked at the photo. “Huh, I suppose there’s a resemblance. Why? Is that a problem?”
“Let’s put him in the ‘Maybe’ pile.”
“Well, how about a familiar face from the old days? Scorpan now visits his brother in Tartarus regularly. He could always swing by the castle for some one-on-one time.”
“Would you think I was terribly shallow if I told you I just don’t find Scorpan attractive?”
“Well, I can hardly judge you for that. After all, I married the most handsome stallion in Equestria!”
“Hmm? Oh. Yes, of course. Anyone else?”
“Well, this next suggestion is a little out there, but hear me out…”
“If you say Discord, I’m ending this meeting right now.”
“No, I wouldn’t do that to Fluttershy.”
“I beg your pardon?”
Light sat across from Underglaze at her counter in Cat’s Howl. The two were sketching out designs for a work of art they were collaborating on.
“Light, the cost of these materials will run very high. Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’s worth it.”
“Very well. But don’t say I never did anything for you.”
The bell above the door clanked. They looked up. The four bat ponies had burst into the store.
“Are you Light Fantastic?” Nocturn asked.
“In the flesh. What can I do for you?”
“We are Radish Root’s brethren,” Murk said. “Brother Radish has encouraged us to get to know you.”
“Oh? Neat.”
Echo trotted up to Light’s counter. He looked her over.
“You are the mare who Radish has deemed worthy of his heart? Are you funny, at least?”
“I sure am! Look, I made that shirt over there.”
She pointed to a shirt on a display rack behind her counter. Large block letters on its front read, “DON’T LOOK AT THIS SHIRT”.
Echo looked at it. He frowned. Light cracked herself up laughing. Nocturn took the opportunity to climb onto her counter and sniff at her.
“Hey, do you mind?” she said.
“You do not smell of any stallions but Radish. You pass the test of fidelity.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Murk sniffed Underglaze. “And you do not smell of any mares at all.”
“Well, I just took a shower,” Underglaze said.
“No, you didn’t.”
Vesper looked around the store. “Brother Radish is one of Equestria’s greatest heroes. What makes you think you are worthy of him?”
Light leaned over her counter and grinned. “I can do this thing with my tongue that drives him wild.”
Vesper lifted her chin to look down upon Light. “You and any number of dockside floozies.”
Light leaned back. “Okay, that does it. I definitely want you for one of my bridesmaids.”
Vesper’s wings fluttered. “Truly?”
“Do not be taken in, sister,” said Murk. “She still has many tests to pass.”
“Why don’t I save us all some time. You know how we settle things in Midlo?” Light asked. “Drinking contests.”
She pulled a bottle of Midtown-made rotgut from under her counter and unscrewed its top. The fumes emanating from the bottle distorted the air above it.
“Very well,” said Murk. “I accept your challenge!”
He grabbed the bottle and chugged it. He slammed it back down on the counter, empty. He looked at Light expectantly.
“Well? Where is your bottle?”
Starlight Glimmer and a group of her most trusted fellow prisoners met in a dark, out-of-the-way corner of the detention facility. They stood in a circle surrounding her cell guard. Starlight stepped forward and spoke in a hushed, serious tone.
“Chain Links, are you ready and willing?” she asked the guard.
“I am,” he said solemnly.
She dipped her hoof in a paper cup full of old coffee grounds mixed with shampoo. She smeared a crude equal sign over the stallion’s own cutie mark, just as she had done to the rest of her group.
“With this gift, I unmark you symbolically.”
He bowed his head. “I accept this gift.”
“By the Unmarking, you are free, returned to the natural state of ponykind.”
“I accept my nature.”
“Within our natural state, we are all equal.”
“I accept equality.”
She put a hoof to his chin and lifted his head. She smiled warmly.
“Welcome to the family, Brother Chain Links.”
“Thank you, Mother Glimmer.”
Radish entered Cat’s Howl. He found Light and the bat ponies all lying in a stupor on the floor, among numerous scattered empty liquor bottles. Underglaze was at an easel, painting the scene.
“Oh boy,” Radish said. “Who won?”
“I lost track among all the slurring,” said Underglaze. “But I believe they reached an understanding before they passed out.”
Light Fantastic made a barely-conscious half-grunt, half-groan in confirmation.
Radish smiled.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish stood at one end of the palace’s shield training gallery. He held up a buckler in his left forehoof.
“All right,” said his instructor at the other end, “I’m going to shoot at you with a series of very weak lightning blast spells. Your goal is to deflect each one.”
“And this is the standard training?”
“If a villain like Starlight Glimmer invades the castle, do you want to be relying on ‘standard’ training?”
“No, sir.”
“That’s what I thought.”
Radish sat in his palace quarters, rubbing ointment into his left forehoof. There was a knock at his door. He answered it to find Celestia standing in the hall.
“Ma’am?”
“Major, I’m afraid I come bearing bad news. You’ll want to be sitting for this.”
“Uh oh.”
Radish took a seat on his couch. Celestia sat next to him.
“Word just arrived by pigeon post. I wanted you to be the first to know..." She sighed. “Starlight Glimmer has escaped from custody. She’s in the wind.”
Radish gasped, then leapt to his hooves, sputtering. “How!? ”
“I’m afraid she immediately got up to her old tricks. She built another cult of personality around herself in prison, drawing followers from fellow prisoners and guards alike. They were all pulled in by her promise of a better world without cutie marks. Eventually she had amassed enough influence among the staff to have her horn freed. From there, it was an easy escape. She didn’t merely teleport out- she blasted her way through the walls, freeing another eight convicts at the same time- three of them are still loose.”
Radish slumped back into the sofa. “This… this is all my fault.”
“It certainly is not. The prison administrators were overconfident. They nullified her magic, and believed her to be neutralized. They didn’t consider that she could wield her philosophy with equal skill.”
“But I should have!” Radish bellowed. Celestia recoiled from the shout, and he hung his head. “Ma’am, I knew her better than anypony! I knew how easily she can get into your head! I should have warned them. I should have written up a whole protocol on how to incarcerate her! I should have recommended Tartarus for her!”
“You are not responsible for this,” Celestia said firmly. “And believe me, I will see to it that everypony who made this outrage possible is punished.”
Radish closed his eyes.
“She was helpless before me,” he muttered. “We’ll never get another shot like that.”
“I know. But this is one setback on a long road to victory. We will reacquire her.”
“I want to be part of the marehunt.”
“I had something else in mind for you.”
“Ma’am?”
“The palace will be hosting a security conference soon. Among the projects that will be discussed is a redesign of our watchtowers. The design team's orders are to fortify them against the likes of Glimmer. And I want you to sit in on their meetings.”
“Me? It’s pretty clear I’ve become incompetent at that.”
“Then you should take this opportunity to watch and learn. See how seasoned professionals in the field really operate.”
“Are you just trying to keep me occupied so I don’t go off on some frenzied hunt for Glimmer?”
“Do I need to?”
“Yes.”
“Then consider yourself occupied.”
Radish shuffled inside Carousel Boutique.
“Oh, Radish!” said Rarity, trotting behind her counter. “I know what you’re here for!” she added in a singsong voice.
She took a ring box from under the counter and passed it to him. He opened it and looked at the ring. He smiled. Then, he frowned, closing and lowering the box with a sigh.
“Oh, dear. Is something the matter?”
“Glimmer’s loose.”
“I heard. But what does that have to do with this?”
“I thought with her behind bars, the world was safe enough to propose. Now that Glimmer’s out there, our wedding will be an easy target.”
“You think? I believe Starlight Glimmer’s more upset at us six than you. She hates Twilight in particular.”
“That’s even worse. I can’t protect you all.”
Rarity smiled and put a hoof to his cheek.
“Now, dear, as much as I am a sucker for a handsome knight swearing to defend me, it’s not necessary. We six can take care of ourselves. We’ve all faced worse than Starlight Glimmer.”
“I know. I just…”
“Feel helpless?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, there is one aspect of your life you do have control over.”
She took his hoof in hers, and held it up between them, opening the ring box so they both could see the ring.
“You can control what you’re going to do with this stunning ring.”
Radish smiled at Rarity.
“Thanks. It’s beautiful. And you still give great advice.”
“Ah, think nothing of it, dear.”
The door swung open, and Spike was standing in the doorway. He looked at Radish. He looked at Rarity. He looked at the engagement ring they held between themselves. He fainted.
“Oh, dear! Spike?” called Rarity.
“I think he was overwhelmed by your ring.”
“So, Fan, what do you think?”
Radish stood in front of Light Fantastic’s bedroom mirror in his major’s dress uniform. She walked up behind him and gave a wolf whistle.
“I never thought I’d be one of those girls who goes for guys in this kind of uniform, but damn. Brand new fetish for me.”
“Thanks Fan. I don’t want to look like an idiot in front of the design team.”
“You’ve saved princesses. I bet you’re a legend to them already. I bet they can’t wait to meet you.”
“I hope so. Fan… can we talk about Glimmer?”
“What about her?”
“Are you afraid she’ll try to hurt you again?”
“Rad, I’m more worried about you.”
“I can handle Glimmer.”
“That’s not what I mean. She may never show her face again. She might be dead in a ditch right now. I’m worried you’ll spend the rest of your life paranoid about her.”
“Not paranoid- she’s real and she’s really dangerous.”
“I know. But promise me, once you’ve got Equestria all Glimmer-proof, you’ll relax about her?”
Radish made a noise in his throat indicating this was unlikely. Light frowned.
“Okay, how about we take a trip after the conference?”
“That sounds nice,” said Radish. “Someplace she’ll never find us.”
“Yeah… someplace like that.”
Radish sat alone at a conference room table, going over the research papers and notes he brought. He looked at the clock. Every other member of the design team was ten minutes late. He had already checked and rechecked that he had the right room.
Where are they? Did something happen to them? Did Glimmer attack them?
The door swung open. Three unicorns in suits walked in, chattering amongst themselves while carrying coffee cups in their auras. Radish knew them by their reputations- Laurel Gold, Hauberk, and Siege Line. They were all experienced security experts who had been designing Equestria’s forts, watchtowers, and prisons for years. He stood to greet them. Laurel Gold noticed him.
“Oh, right,” she said. “The guard.”
Radish extended a hoof. “Hello! I’m Major Root. I’ve been asked to sit in on the design process.”
“Well,” said Siege Line. “The design process is mostly done.”
Radish dropped his hoof. “But the conference hasn’t started yet."
“We three know each other pretty well, and we’ve been talking about the next generation of bases since we finished the last generations of bases,” he said.
“I’d love to hear about it. Glimmer’s escape-”
“Wasn’t our fault,” chuffed Hauberk. “The personnel got sloppy. They fell under her sway and let her out.”
“But her escape route-”
“She used a higher-level beam spell than the wall’s shielding spells could handle,” sighed Laurel Gold. “New defense spells have already been researched. No one’s going to do that again.”
“But if she had teleported out instead-
“Anti-teleport spells are a crapshoot,” said Siege Line. “There’s a spectrum of teleport frequencies, and you can’t block them all at the same location. Any teleporting unicorn can get through any defense with enough trial and error.”
“It’s been that way for centuries,” said Hauberk. “Even the royal palace can’t guarantee it’s teleport-proof. That’s why there are so many of you… guards.”
“But if you can’t stop her from leaving, there are ways to make it easier to track her down,” Radish said.
“Yeah,” shrugged Laurel Gold, “there are trail-targeting spells, and lock-on spells, and follow-me curses, but all those have easy counter-spells. Not really a reliable way to track someone.”
“Besides, once somecorn escapes from a facility, it’s the REF’s problem,” muttered Siege Line.
Radish frowned. “She broke out eight prisoners. That made it a lot of ponies’ problem.”
“None of the other escapees were mages,” said Siege Line. “They were recaptured within days.”
“Okay, but regarding keeping Glimmer from teleporting into our bases…”
“In or out, it’s still the same problem,” said Laurel Gold, impatiently, “You can’t block someone like her.”
“If you can’t keep someone from getting close, make them want to stay away,” Radish aphorized.
“What is that, a guard saying?”
“No, a Ranger necessity.”
“Yeah, look,” said Laurel Gold, “we’re honored Princess Celestia let her… friend… observe our process. But the tried-and-true methods-”
“-were done-and-false when it came to Glimmer,” finished Radish.
“No, someone took her horn ring off,” she said. “That’s like saying a gate failed because someone bribed the gatekeeper.”
“Then to counter that-”
“We already have.”
“What I’m saying is-”
“Well, look at that,” Siege Line said, looking at his watch. “That’s lunch.”
“It’s 10:15 AM,” said Radish.
“Yeah, but the cafeteria lines fill up early,” said Laurel, heading for the door.
“Then, tomorrow, could we-”
The three unicorns were out the door. It clicked shut. Radish sat back down in his seat and gathered up his papers.
A palace maid, Spot Clean, entered.
“Oh, sorry, major,” she said. “I saw the team leaving and thought everyone was done in here.”
Radish put his papers in his bag.
“Oh, I’m not done by a long shot.”
Radish joined Light Fantastic in a booth at Bold Roast’s. She smiled at him.
“How’d it go?”
“Well, most of what we talked about is classified,” Radish sighed.
“Okay. I understand.”
“But… they don’t respect me.”
“Well, you’re new. It takes time.”
“It’s not that. It’s… well…”
“What?”
“I don’t want to turn this into a tribal thing…”
“Uh oh. When you start a sentence like that, it’s already too late.”
“But they only cared about magic solutions to magic problems. And that’s just what Starlight Glimmer will be expecting.”
“But you’ve got stuff she won’t expect, huh?”
“In the Rangers, they taught us the importance of stealth, flexible thinking, and animal allies. In the Guard, they taught us the importance of teamwork and planning. Those are tools all ponies can use, and there’s no spellbook that can help her around them.”
“Hon, for all of Midlo’s problems- the snobbery, the trend-chasing, the smell- one thing we do right is welcome, respect, and celebrate every kind of creature. If they don’t see the worthiness of your earthiness, you’re not making it a tribal thing, they are.”
“I just thought ponykind was past that these days. Everyone knows the Hearth Warming tale.”
“Yeah? How many believe it?”
“Don’t you?”
“Babe, I never needed magic ice monsters to force me to like non-pegs. I’m friends with every kind of pony. I’ve dated every kind. But not everypony has had that benefit.”
“Any advice?”
“This is your rodeo. What do you want to do about it?”
“Well, I had an idea.”
“I know that tone. I’d hate to be them tomorrow.”
Radish stood in front of the safe in his palace quarters. Its door was open. His cutie mark was sitting inside. He reached out for it.
He stopped his hoof mid-air, then drew it away.
“No. I can do this without you.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“So, what are we doing here?” Hauberk asked his coworkers.
The three stood outside the Royal Proving Complex, a multipurpose training facility just outside the palace. It consisted of multiple plywood buildings which could be furnished and configured to simulate any number of emergency response scenarios for guards, firefighters, paramedics, and more. Radish had personally trained in the complex many times since entering the Royal Guard.
“The guard had something to show us,” scoffed Laurel Gold.
“What, a neat bug he found?” muttered Hauberk.
“Actually, Major Root would like your help testing some ideas he had,” said Princess Celestia, standing right behind them. They turned to see her and Radish.
“What’s this now?” asked Siege Line.
Radish pointed to one of the large buildings.
“I’ve set up this training building to simulate someone of Glimmer’s ability infiltrating a watchtower. You three will be playing the part of Glimmer, and you’re going to be going up against some security measures I came up with. You’ll have three objectives-”
“Running sims is for grunts,” said Hauberk. “We don’t have time for this.”
“Really?” asked Celestia. “Seeing as you walked out early yesterday, I’m curious as to what else you had planned for the conference. It’s not like you came just for the free food and spa.”
The three unicorns looked at each other.
“You said three objectives?” Laurel sighed.
“Yes,” said Radish. “Three objectives: free a prisoner- which is a dummy of realistic weight- steal a folder from a file cabinet, or take out the tower chief- another dummy. You can try for as many or as few as you feel you’re capable of. All you need is one to win.
“Now, to account for all of Glimmer’s powers, all of you may use any spell you know. But you have to stay together and you can only cast one spell at a time- she’s only an individual, after all.”
“What are you playing at? We’ll be in and out like nothing,” said Hauberk.
“That’s good for you, because Princess Celestia has put up a prize for the winner.”
“Oh? A prize? What do we win?” asked Siege Line.
“Use of my private box at the racetrack for the big derby next week,” said Celestia.
“And since there’s three of you, you have three attempts, each with one of you leading,” added Radish.
The three whispered amongst themselves.
“Fine,” said Laurel.
“I’ll take point,” said Hauberk. “You two, just follow my lead.”
The three lined up in front of the door. Hauberk lit up his horn and they disappeared.
They reappeared inside the building with a flash. A net fell on them.
“Oh, please,” scoffed Hauberk. He teleported the group a few meters to the right, letting the net fall to the ground.
They rushed down the hall until they met a T-junction. They saw a sign on the wall:
Tower Chief →
“Come on, let’s take out that chief,” Hauberk said. He led the other two down the right hallway, which terminated in a door. The sign on the wall beside it confirmed it was the chief’s office. The door was locked.
“Unlocking spell, Laurie,” said Hauberk.
Laurel Gold cast a spell which popped the door open. Inside was a room with only a file cabinet.
“Wrong room,” she said.
“That’s his idea?” scoffed Siege Line. “Mislabeling rooms? And Celestia trusts this guy?”
“Maybe she should have him building funhouses instead,” snickered Laurel Gold.
“This proves it,” said Hauberk. “Those two are sleeping together.”
He used his magic to open the file cabinet. The top drawer had a file folder in it. He took it in his aura.
“Okay, now-”
Eddie the rattlesnake jumped out of the folder and clamped onto his neck. He hollered and flailed. The other two jumped back. Laurel Gold slammed into the wall behind her, and Siege Line tripped on his own tail and fell on his rump.
Celestia’s aura opened the outside wall of the room. She and Radish had clipboards and were taking notes. Radish finished writing something, then held up his hoof. Eddie leapt off Hauberk and slithered up to Radish, climbing him and perching on his head.
“So, that’s Glimmer getting a lethal load of snake venom,” Radish said. “Don’t worry, you didn’t.”
“What are you going to do?” asked Hauberk, rubbing his neck. “Put a snake in every file cabinet in the nation?”
“Not every file cabinet. I brought a distribution strategy to the meeting yesterday, but I don’t think any of you saw it on the way out.”
“Are you seriously suggesting that we fill the watchtowers with incorrect signage to confuse intruders?” asked Siege Line.
“The whoosh of air from your teleport set off a pressure-sensitive trigger in the wall,” said Radish. “That’s what made the net fall on you, and it also tripped mechanisms that changed the hallway signs. Only an intruder teleporting in would get false directions. Always turn an enemy’s talents against them.”
Hauberk narrowed his eyes at Radish. Laurel Gold laughed.
“Well, you had your chance, Hob. My turn,” she said.
“I’ll reset the simulation and reshuffle the rooms,” said Celestia, lighting up her horn. The three unicorns walked back to their starting position. “Oh, and for the record, Major Root and I are not physically involved.”
Hauberk winced. Laurel elbowed him and smirked.
The three lined up again. This time, Laurel Gold cast her unlocking spell on one of the side windows. They snuck into the building, finding themselves in a room decorated like a supply closet.
Another net fell on them.
“Okay, getting really sick of these,” said Siege Line. He conjured a burning blade in the air and sliced up the net.
They entered the hallway. The sign on the wall now read:
←Tower Chief
“So they do change,” said Siege Line, inspecting it.
“I’m still not trusting it,” said Laurel. “I shoulda done this last time.”
She cast a trail-targeting spell. A ghostly image of Radish carrying a dummy dressed like a prisoner appeared further down the hall, heading towards a door. Laurel kicked it open. Inside was a simulated jail, with the dummy sitting inside a cell. Standing before the cell was a dummy dressed like a guard, with its back to the trio.
Siege Line reeled back to blow the guard dummy’s head off with a blast from his horn. Laurel stopped him with a hoof to his shoulder. She put her aura over the dummy and twisted its legs together, then took a key from its belt.
“Why-”
“He put pressure-sensitive triggers in the walls, remember?” said Laurel. “Your horn blasts could set off some other dumb booby trap.”
“Right.”
“Hob, get ready to teleport us out. Right in front of the major.”
“There’s still two other objectives,” said Hauberk.
“We only need one to win. I’m not blowing my chance at derby box seats over showboating.”
She put the key in the cell door’s keyhole. A small glass canister dropped out of the other side of the lock and broke upon the floor. A cloud of choking white smoke burst out of it. The trio coughed and stumbled blindly, rubbing their eyes. The outside wall opened again. Celestia brought her wings together, stirring a rush of wind that blew the smoke away.
“You had the right idea- the cell door was booby-trapped,” Radish said, taking notes. “But you needed to insert the key at the correct angle to disarm it.”
“Glimmer’s not going to be stopped by these little novelty gags!” Laurel Gold shouted.
“I believe you have one more chance to demonstrate such,” said Celestia.
“Okay. My turn,” said Siege Line. He pulled the other two into a huddle and whispered something to them.
“What!?” exclaimed Laurel Gold.
“Are you sure?” asked Hauberk.
“Yes! Just do it!”
The three aimed their horns at the building and blasted it. The plywood wall splintered and collapsed, revealing the interiors of most rooms of the building. Nets fell and smoke bombs went off, nowhere near the trio.
Siege Line magically tore open the file cabinet, snatched the folder in his aura, and shook out Eddie. Laurel Gold twisted the jail cell open with her own magic and grabbed the prisoner, and Hauberk blasted the head off the station chief dummy sitting behind its desk. They threw the folder, the prisoner, and the disembodied head at the ground in front of Radish.
“Done ,” said Siege Line. “You lose , major.”
“Oh, darn it,” said Radish. “Sorry, Princess. Looks like Glimmer got what she came for.”
“Well, like I said, you still have a lot to learn. I did have fun watching, though,” Celestia said. She turned to the unicorn trio. “Enjoy the box seats, you three. You’ve earned them.”
“Hey, not all your ideas were terrible,” said Laurel. “Just keep working on them.”
“I can’t wait to tell my wife we’ve got a royal box,” Siege Line said excitedly.
A buzzing noise filled the air. A swarm of black and yellow insects rose up from behind the building and dove at the trio. They quickly threw up a shield. The swarm landed on the shield, buzzing loudly.
“What did you do!?” Hauberk hollered.
“The nets that fell on you? They coated you with their pheromones,” Radish said. “When you wrecked the building, you exposed their hive. These guys will go after you, or Glimmer, all day.”
They teleported away. The insects hovered in place for a moment, then sped off in a new direction.
“Radish! That was a spiteful move,” chided Celestia. “One of them could be allergic to bees.”
“They’re not bees, ma’am. They’re Windy Mountain Horseflies.”
“Ah, a species that mimics bees in appearance. As I recall, their bites can’t break pony hide.”
“Nah, just a little nibble. But they’ll still follow a tagged infiltrator to the ends of the earth. Pursuers can follow the swarm’s sound over miles.”
There was another teleport burst in the distance. Radish sighed.
“Still, they completed the objectives, fair and square. They won. Sorry, ma’am.”
“They won by refusing to enter the building you wanted to keep them out of. You put fear in them, major. And the real buildings won’t be plywood.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“And major? I know you’ve been stressing over Starlight Glimmer. But you’re as worried about her capture as you are about her freedom, aren’t you?”
“I can’t hide anything from you, ma’am. I’m worried Twilight will try to befriend and pardon her.”
“Would that be so wrong?”
“Starlight Glimmer is a monster.”
“So was Nightmare Moon. So was Discord.”
“Nightmare Moon was destroyed, not pardoned. And Discord helping Tirek nearly got me killed. He should be a statue in Tartarus. And so should Glimmer.”
“Nightmare Moon’s nature was… complicated. And we must simply agree to disagree about Discord.”
There was another teleport burst. The three unicorns galloped past Radish and Celestia with the swarm hot on their tails.
“You win! Call them off!” called Laurel.
They teleported away again. Celestia giggled.
“Major, if Twilight collars Glimmer, she will indeed try to turn her with friendship. That’s her nature. That’s her jurisdiction. And not even I can stop that- a princess can’t veto another princess’s pardons.”
Radish sighed. Celestia looked down at Radish.
“But local law enforcement, such as the City Watch, town sheriffs, or constabularies, are independent from royal influence. If any such group cuffs her, they will process her according to the law and send her to be tried in Canterlot. Twilight would have no authority over the outcome. She might not even be called as a witness.
“And I am the ultimate authority for the Guards, the Rangers, and the Royal Excursionary Forces. If any of them capture her, I would have the option to pardon her.”
Her expression turned serious.
“But I am not the Princess of Friendship. I see no reason to pardon her. She is guaranteed a fair trial, nothing more.”
“I appreciate that, ma’am. But wouldn’t that put you at odds with Twilight?”
“Princesses make difficult decisions. This is not one of them. I consider Light Fantastic a friend, and the thought of that witch imprisoning her enrages me. As does the thought of her harming you.”
The unicorn trio approached, dripping wet from having plunged themselves in the palace’s moat.
“Oh, you lost the swarm, huh?” Radish asked. “That’s the last of my tricks. Y’all win.”
“Enjoy the derby,” said Celestia.
“Thank you, ma’am,” said Siege Line. “See you tomorrow, major.”
They trotted away. Radish looked up at Celestia.
“Ma’am, a princess shouldn’t stress over the safety of her guards. Guards should stress over the safety of their princesses.”
“Radish, I’ve been stressing over the safety of my little ponies since day one.”
A Windy Mountain Horsefly buzzed over to Celestia. It landed on her muzzle, and tried to chew her skin.
“Hey! Mandibles off the princess!” said Radish, shooing it. “Sorry, ma’am. They’re hard to train.”
“Not to worry. I have thick skin.”
“I wish I did. I spent the whole day on this. It was one big exercise in spite.”
“Did you prove what you wanted to prove to them?”
“I think so. I really think trying to out-magic Glimmer is a fool’s errand. Better to use tricks she can’t foresee.”
“Major, I’ve been all three types of pony for most of my life. I’ve long relished the gifts my earth pony side has brought me. But I know that earth ponies often feel… underappreciated.”
“Not once in your Guard has anyone made me feel lesser because I’m an earth pony. Even Shining Armor, at his most annoying, respected everyone’s tribes. He made us all feel like we were complementing each other, not competing with each other.”
“Good.”
“But there’s a lot of old institutions in Canterlot that are very… unicorn-centric, aren’t there? And I’ll have to work extra hard if I want to make waves in them, won’t I?”
“Old ideas have momentum, Radish. Some ideas are so old, even I have trouble changing their course. But there’s nothing as powerful as an idea whose time has come. And nothing as hilarious as the thought of Glimmer being hounded by horseflies.”
“Princess, did you put me on the design team to pull me out of my creative funk?”
“You may have been in a creative funk, but those three have been in a creative rut for years- turning in lazier and lazier work with each conference. I thought you could all spark a little fire in each other.”
Radish chuckled. “Well, it worked. I have a lot of ideas. Not just for the watchtowers, but for Fort Curly, and some for Canterlot, too.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“But if I didn’t get bad at security when I lost my cutie mark, that means it wasn’t my special talent. I still don’t know what my mark was supposed to mean.”
“I’m sorry, Radish. But if it makes you feel any better, I’m relieved you haven’t lost your talent for security. It makes me feel… safer.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
Radish entered his quarters to find Light Fantastic sitting at his desk and wearing his helmet.
“You know, Fan, you’re not actually supposed to be in here without me. A major’s quarters could be full of top secrets vital to the security of Equestria.”
“I let you into my office in the back of my shop.”
“Your office has a file cabinet you can’t open and a trashcan you never empty.”
“How’d it go? Did you show them the worthiness of your earthiness?”
“Well, I can’t tell you about what we did, but I think I opened their minds a little bit. The watchtowers should be a little hardier against spellcasters in the future.”
“Rad, have you ever thought about doing stuff like this on your own?”
“What do you mean?”
“Work for a private security company. Even start one.”
“What? And leave the Guard?”
“Yes.”
“No, never. The princesses need me.”
“Rad, do they?”
“Of course!”
“There are hundreds of other guards. Plus, the Pastelles.”
“I can’t just leave their safety to others. They put their trust in me. I swore an oath.”
“Sometimes I think your devotion to them is too much. You act like you’re their dog, sitting with your paws in the air for their next command, always waiting to hear ‘good boy’.”
“Fan, haven’t you ever just wanted to make your princesses proud ?”
“No.”
“Oh…”
“I’m sorry. I guess there are more differences between us than I thought.”
“Have you ever wanted to make anyone proud?”
“No…”
“Then who do you make art for?”
“Myself!”
“But you put it on display! You hang it in galleries. You sell it.”
“I’m not looking for validation. I have things inside me that I need to get out. If others want to pay for it, that’s fine.”
“Fan, protecting the princesses is my art. I have all these ideas on how to do it, and I have to get them out into the world, too, because no one else has the thoughts I do. And if they want to pay me to do it, that’s fine, too.”
Light Fantastic smiled at him. She kissed his cheek.
“Maybe there aren’t that many differences between us. Maybe their safety will be your masterpiece. ”
Light left Radish’s quarters to meet with Underglaze again. Radish sat on his couch, relaxing. There was a knock at his door.
"Come on in."
A cadet entered.
"Major, there's news. Somepony burgled the Ponyville Hall of Records, and they think it was Glimmer. Every last file pertaining to AG1 and their families are missing."
"Hmm. What about the file guardian?"
"Also missing."
"Oh? Thank you, cadet. That will be all."
Radish rolled his chair over to his cork board, and added some notes in and around Ponyville. He smiled. He looked over his shoulder at his wall safe.
“I told you I could do it without you.”
With a burst of light, Starlight Glimmer appeared on a hill overlooking Ponyville. She opened up her valise and pulled out stacks of file folders. She smiled.
"Okay, let's start with Rainbow Dash's medical history. Maybe she's deathly allergic to- what the heck?"
The words on the page she was reading were a jumble of letters. She leafed through the stack and found that they were all similarly typed.
"Is this... encrypted? Oh, that Twilight Sparkle thinks she's so clever. Hmm... ha! It's the Trottingham Cipher. Silly princess, there's a spell for that..."
A cobra slithered silently out of one of the folders. It coiled up behind her, waiting for its moment.
"And... done! Oh, this is her Wonderbolt Academy psych evaluation! This is going to be good! Let's see..."
Starlight Glimmer looked down at the magically-decrypted lines:
Glimmer- the girls are protected, and so are all their records. Don’t struggle- this is only a knockout dose.
"Ugh, she's playing games, is she? But what's she on about? What on earth is a knockout dose?"
The cobra sprang at her and bit its fangs into her neck. She screamed and reflexively threw up a repelling shield, flinging the snake away from her. She touched the bite wounds, and found her hooves already shaking from the venom.
"No... got to..."
In a flash of light, she vanished. The snake popped up its head from the grass, tasted the air with its tongue, and started on the long trek back to report in.
Starlight Glimmer woke up in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room. She took a moment to remember what had happened, and growled in frustration. She sat up and took in her surroundings- she was in some kind of rustic cabin. It was fairly dark, with the blinds drawn closed. She heard light hoofsteps, and saw a gray earth mare approaching her. She had a long gray mane hiding half her face. Her cutie mark was three purple marbles.
“Who are you? Where am I?” snapped Starlight.
Marble Pie held up a small vial. Starlight blinked the blurriness out of her eyes to focus on it. It was a dose of snake antivenin.
“You found me and… gave me the antidote?”
She nodded.
“Why?”
Marble seemed confused by the question. She pointed to Starlight’s snakebite, as if that explained everything.
Starlight touched her bite marks and scoffed. “You have no idea who I am, do you?”
She shook her head.
“Mare of few words, aren’t you? Good for you. The ponies who talk the most think the least.” Starlight looked around. “Did you find a bunch of documents next to me?”
Marble shook her head again.
“Oh, well. Thanks for the help.” She climbed out of the bed, shakily. “In return, I’ll give you some advice: don’t tell anypony about it. You’ll get in trouble with the law.”
Marble gave a quizzical, worried look, but nodded.
“Good.” Starlight made her way across the floor, to the door. She looked back. “And another piece of advice: stay far away from Princess Twilight Sparkle and those friends of hers. They ruin everything they touch.”
Starlight left out the door. Marble went to the window and watched her go. She breathed a sigh of relief.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish strode the back hallways of the palace, whistling a happy tune. He found Spats with a large group of guards waiting for him.
“I’m engaged!”
They cheered. Spats hugged Radish. “Way to go, Rad. Let’s see that ring!”
Radish fished out his ring on its chain. Spats inspected it.
“Whoa-ho! Custom-made by Midlo artisans, right? That makes you a walking art gallery.”
“It makes me feel classy, all right.”
“You’ve got to go tell PC!” Bunker Buster said.
“Oh, it’s getting late,” said Radish. “I don’t want to bother her.”
“You should be the first pony she hears it from!” said Maple Bar.
“Okay, you’re right. Let’s see, at this time of day she’s…”
Radish walked up to Celestia’s tower. The two guards at her door crossed their spears as he approached.
“Hi, I’d like to speak with Princess Celestia. I don’t have an appointment.”
“No appointment, no entry,” one of them said.
“Oh. Well… could-”
“We’re busting your balls, Root. We know what this is about. Go right on up,” the other said.
“Thanks, guys.”
A valet led Radish to Celestia’s drawing room and announced him. Celestia was behind the bar, shaking a cocktail for Luna.
“Major, welcome. What brings you here?”
Radish approached. “I’m glad you’re both here. I wanted to tell you…”
The sisters looked giddy. Radish could tell they both knew.
“I proposed to Light Fantastic. She said yes. We’re engaged!”
Celestia vaulted over the bar and hugged him.
“How wonderful! I am so happy for you, Radish!”
Luna added herself to the hug.
“As am I! Let us toast!”
Celestia cast a spell, and a tall green bottle appeared on the bar.
“Ah, my favorite Hinterland brut. One of the few bottles that were produced before the Overbush crushed this particular winery.”
“Oh, you should save that for-”
She popped off the cork.
“Too late,” she said, smirking.
She poured three flutes. Radish sipped.
“This is amazing!”
“Isn’t it?”
“Come, to the sofa,” said Luna. “The three of us have never really spent time together off-hours. It's time to correct that.”
They sat on the sofa in the center of the room. Celestia magically dimmed the lights and set a record player to play soft jazz.
The three chatted, slowly making their way through the bottle, then another. Radish regaled the sisters with Ranger tales. Luna boasted of ancient monsters she subdued. Celestia described her favorite diplomatic trips. After a while, they spoke of their favorite movies, books, and plays, engaging in debates over the merits of their plot developments.
Luna excused herself to the bathroom. Celestia asked Radish to join her on the balcony. Starry Spire provided a panoramic view of the lands around Canterlot. Radish had never seen them from this vantage, and took it all in, impressed.
“Radish,” said Celestia walking close to him, “I really am very happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
Her eyes drifted down to his dress uniform’s trousers.
“Princess?”
“Hmm? Oh. Just remembering the day we met.”
“I bet my mark was quite a shock to you.”
“A surprise, certainly. I’m sorry that we never uncovered its meaning.”
“Well, I can live with the mystery if you can.”
“May I ask, do you ever feel like I… ruined your cutie mark? Stole its place on your body where your talent should be?”
“No, never. Do you ever feel like I… imposed on your life? Stuck myself where I didn’t belong?”
“Not one bit. Remember, it was my decision to hire you, and I have no doubt I made the right choice.”
“Thank you, princess.”
“May I see your ring?”
“Sure.”
Radish lifted his chin while Celesta floated his ring off his neck. She turned it over in her aura, looking at it inside and out.
“Together, no matter whatever,” she read.
“One can only hope.”
“It’s lovely,” she said, floating it back to him. “Have you made any wedding plans?”
“Not yet. Earth ponies have long engagements, pegasi have short ones, so I guess ours will be medium length.”
“Will you be moving in with her?”
“I’ll be primarily living at her place, but I’d like to keep my quarters.”
“That’s fine. Are you planning on having kids?”
“We’ve talked about it. We’re not.”
“I hope that’s not because you’re afraid your child would end up with me on their cutie mark, is it?”
“I’ve never even thought of that. Whatever happened with my cutie mark, I think I’m one-of-a-kind.”
“Yes, I think so, too.”
“Besides, my mark wasn’t a curse or anything. It let me meet you.”
“That’s nice.”
“And it helped me meet Light.”
“What do you see in her?”
“Hmm?”
“I asked, what do you love about her the most?”
“Ah. Her smile.”
“That’s… that’s wonderful, Radish.”
“Yes, a lovely sentiment,” said Luna, rejoining the pair on the balcony.
“Luna. We were just talking about Radish’s future.”
Luna leaned against the bannister and yawned. “Yes, it’s your first weekend as an engaged stallion, Radish. You no doubt have a special one planned?”
“A bed and breakfast on the riverwalk, actually.”
“That sounds lovely,” said Celestia.
“I should get going, actually,” said Radish.
“Have good weekend, major,” said Luna.
“Have a good weekend, princesses.”
He bowed to the sisters and took his leave. Celestia sat down in a balcony chair and gazed at the waning crescent moon. Luna sat next to her.
“Sister, you seem… of mixed mind,” Luna said.
“He’s truly moved on. Completely given up on… me.”
“Is that not for the best? It was never going to happen.”
Celestia looked down and away from Luna.
“Or was it?” Luna asked warily.
“Luna, what if we were truly meant for each other?”
“Sister, that cannot be.”
“For the longest time I thought of his mark as the universe mocking me. What if the universe was rewarding me?”
“Celestia…”
“After thousands of years of dutiful service to Equestria, is it impossible to think that Equestria would thank me, by setting aside a nice stallion to be mine? Even going so far as to clearly mark him for that purpose? Yet, I turned him down. What if I missed my only chance for happiness?”
“Sister! He is a living being we are talking about, not a Hearths Warming present! You are now seeing him just as he saw you as a boy, as a prize to be claimed. You have no destiny together.”
“Then what does his mark mean? Why do I look so happy on it? I’ve never been that happy in my life!”
“I am sorry, sister. I do not know.”
A door clicked open and closed far below them. Radish had left the tower and was walking back to his quarters. He turned and looked up at the sisters, giving them a wave goodbye. Luna waved at him. Celestia’s face turned grim and determined.
“Sister,” Luna said, “what are you-”
Celestia leapt off her balcony. Radish hopped back in surprise as she landed on the grass before him.
“Radish!”
“Princess? What’s wrong?”
“I have something to tell you.”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“I should have said this before. It’s very important to me that you know this.”
“What is it?”
She took a deep breath.
“I wish you and Light a long and happy marriage together.”
Radish smiled. “Thank you!”
“You’re welcome.”
Celestia nodded and flew off. She landed back on her balcony, where Luna hugged her.
“Luna…”
“I know, sister. I know.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Celestia touched down on the sidewalk just outside Light’s store. She entered. Light was busy arranging merchandise on her shelves.
“Oh! Hi, ‘stia!”
“Hello, Light. I’ve come to pick up the figurine I ordered. But more importantly, I’ve also come to congratulate you on your engagement.”
“Aw, thank you.”
“It’s so rare that a friend of mine gets engaged. May I see the ring?”
“Sure. Check it out.”
Light trotted up to Celestia and held out her wing. Celestia peered closely at her engagement ring.
“It’s beautiful.”
Light thought she noticed a touch of wistfulness in Celestia’s eyes. She rubbed the back of her head.
“Uh… Celestia… are we good?”
“Of course, dear.”
“I know you said you’d do it, but you really don’t have to officiate our wedding if you don’t want to.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to officiate your wedding?”
“I mean, let’s face it: the three of us have a… weird relationship.”
“True enough. But I think the act of me joining you two together would be a powerful testimony that there are no hard feelings between any of us.”
Light leaned forward. “Are there no hard feelings?”
Celestia put her wings around Light and hugged her. “Light, the most deserving mare won his heart. Take pride in that.”
“Okay. Thanks. Let me get you that figure.”
Light flew over her counter and pulled a glow-in-the-dark Princess Pain figurine off the shelf. She passed it to Celestia, who held it and smiled.
“The detail is excellent.”
“Isn’t it? Oh yeah, that reminds me- I had something else for you.”
“Really?”
Light reached under her counter and pulled out a small box. She pushed it toward Celestia, who opened it. Inside was Radish’s cutie mark.
“Light? Is this-”
“Yep. He gave it me as an engagement gift. Now I’m giving it to you.”
“Why?”
“It just seems right that you should have it. I mean, you’re a part of it as much as Radish is. I feel like this closes the circle, you know?”
“I understand. Thank you, Light. Could I get a bag for it?”
Radish slumped down into a seat opposite Spats in the royal commissary. He rubbed his left hoof and winced.
“Hey, Spats. Sorry I’m late.”
“You okay, Rad?”
He showed Spats his buckler. “I was on the shield training range. I kept fumbling every time I tried to block an attack.”
“There’s just a sharp learning curve, that’s all.”
“I’ve also been swinging my sword slower and throwing my spear off-target lately.”
“You’re just in a slump, that’s all. Happens to everypony.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I think it’s more than that. I think I’ve gotten physically weaker without my cutie mark.”
“Why would that be?”
“I don’t know, it just seems to be part of the process. The girls said they became weaker after Glimmer stole their marks. Applejack couldn’t kick down a door. Rainbow Dash couldn’t fly any faster than Fluttershy. I was hoping I was just overtired from the trial and the Glimmer stuff, but now I think I’ll have to live with the trade-off.”
“Hey, even a weakened Radish Root is still stronger than most guards. I bet most of us are still no match for you.”
“Thanks, Spats.”
A wisp of smoke flew up to their table and popped into a scroll. Radish caught it.
“What is it?” asked Spats. “Another world-ending crisis?”
Radish read the scroll and scowled. “Worse.”
Radish rushed to Luna’s tower. The guards allowed him into her bedroom, where Luna was at her table, eating a kolache and listening to an opera.
“Luna! ”
“Radish? What is the matter?”
“I just heard from Twilight- you created a nightmare monster to torture yourself!? ”
“Ah, yes. The Tantabus. Do not worry- the girls helped me defeat it.”
Radish sputtered. “How could you do that!? Us guards are sworn to protect you, and you just go and create a new enemy to make yourself suffer!?”
“Well, in a way, it was your idea.”
“My idea!? ”
“You told me not to punish myself for Nightmare Moon’s misdeeds. That inspired me to punish myself for Nightmare Moon’s misdeeds.”
“Luna! You are not responsible for what Nightmare Moon did!”
“I realize that now. The girls helped me to finally accept this truth.”
“Why did you ask for their help? I’m your Champion! I should’ve been there to help you fight that thing!”
Luna shook her head. “The Tantabus could spread to the dreams of anypony it knew of. The girls could share the burden of fighting it because it had already learned of them from my nightmares.”
Luna walked up to Radish and put a hoof on his shoulder.
“But I have never have a nightmare about you , Radish.”
Radish smiled and put his hoof on hers. “Oh, Luna… promise me this is over? That you’ve moved past Nightmare Moon forever?”
“I promise, Radish. I will stop dwelling on the darkness of the past, and embrace the brightness of the future.”
“Good.”
A blinding wave of white light filled the room. Radish yelped and covered his eyes.
“Gah! I didn’t think you meant that literally!” he said, rubbing his eyes. “What was that?”
“Wh- who are you?” croaked a hoarse whisper.
Radish blinked his eyes open. The room was dim- thick curtains were now drawn over every window, and only sparse candles lit the space. Luna was no longer in front of Radish.
“Luna?”
“Stay… stay back.”
Radish turned and looked for the source of the voice. In Luna’s bed was a hunched-over figure, shrouded in the shadows cast by the crescent shape of the bed’s frame. He approached for a better look.
It was Luna, but not Luna. She looked just as she did when Radish first met her- small, pale, and with a short, lifeless mane. She cowered under her covers.
“Luna? What in the-?”
Luna seized a small bell from her nightstand in her teeth and shook it furiously. Her door flung open. A unicorn guard Radish didn’t know stood in the doorway with his spear drawn.
“Guardstallion!” cried Luna. She pointed to Radish. “Stop this intruder!”
The guard scowled at Radish. Radish backed away.
“Wait, what? ”
The guard fired a glowing bolt from his horn. Radish held up his bucker in defense. The projectile hit with the force of a battering ram.
Radish was blown across the room and slammed into the wall. He lifted his head to blurrily make out the guard charging at him. Radish scrabbled to his hooves in a panic.
“Stand down! It’s me! It’s Major Root!”
The guard drove his spear toward Radish’s chest. Radish barely had enough time to twist his body to avoid it head-on. The spearhead struck his side and tore off his saddle plate.
“STOP!”
The guard spun and bucked with both hind legs. His boots impacted Radish’s head with a clang that filled the room. Radish blacked out with his ears still ringing.
The Only Mark That Matters
“Hey, punk. Wake up.”
Radish awoke in a sitting position. His limbs were wrapped in chains, he had been stripped of his armor, and he recognized the room he was in: an interrogation room of the palace’s Secure Holding facility. Barrel Roller sat across the table from him with her forehooves crossed and a disgusted expression on her face.
“Okay, pal. I want to know who you are and how you got into Princess Luna’s bedroom.”
“Captain?”
“The captain doesn’t waste his time talking to lowlife dirtballs. You're stuck dealing with me.”
“Ma’am, it’s me. Major Root!”
“I know who your fake ID says you are, scum. But I also know every guard who works here, and you’re not one of them. Now, where did you get the armor? We recovered every set that the Warmbloods stole. Is somepony out there producing knockoffs?”
“Ma’am… what is going on!?” Radish asked exasperatedly. “Something’s happened to every…” A realization hit Radish. He scowled and glared up at the ceiling. “Discord! Are you doing this!? This isn’t funny!”
Barrel Roller got up and stalked around the table. She stood behind Radish and loomed over his shoulder.
“Discord can’t help you now. And if you don’t wanna share his fate as a statue in Tartarus, you’ll start talking.”
“What?”
“What is your name?”
“Radish Root!”
“How did you get into the palace?”
“I live here .”
“How did you get past Luna’s guards?”
“I outrank them!”
“Every lie just pisses me off a little bit more. Guess what happens when you hit my limit. Are you with the Campaign?”
“What campaign?”
“Okay, I’m reaching that limit now.”
Radish struggled in his bindings, but stopped when he felt an odd sensation of missing something that should be there. The small chain which held his engagement ring from Light was no longer around his neck.
“Where’s my ring?” he demanded.
“In evidence. You wanna see it again? Talk. Otherwise, I’ll give it to the blacksmith to melt into paperclips.”
Radish raised an eyebrow. “Ma’am, that would violate both prisoner interrogation protocol and evidence disposition procedure.” He leaned back coolly. “In fact, I’m exercising my right to remain silent and requesting to speak with a palace attorney right now.”
Barrel Roller paused, then burst with laugher. A chill crawled up Radish’s spine. He had never seen her laugh before. He didn’t think she had the muscles to do it.
“Oh, that’s a good one,” she said, wiping a tear from her eye. “Guards!”
The door opened again and two guards entered the room.
“Ma’am?” they asked in unison.
“This slimeball needs some time to think. Lock him in the dungeons until further notice.”
“We don’t have dungeons,” Radish stated confidently.
The guards dragged him away, down the hall, and to a door Radish didn’t know existed. It was labeled “Dungeons”.
Radish recognized the “dungeon” he was locked in as a large storage room in the palace’s under-tunnels. It appeared to have been recently repurposed and divided into individual cells by the addition of new brick walls and iron bars. Radish thought the craftsponyship looked rather shoddy.
He wasn’t alone. One of the cells across from his was occupied. Its occupant was too far back in the cell to see, but they had been blowing soulful sounds out of a harmonica since before the guards locked him up. The noise was growingly getting on Radish’s nerves.
Okay. Got to figure this out. Luna’s been reverted to her old form. The whole castle doesn’t recognize me. And now we have dungeons. Must be Discord. Or worse, Glimmer. Maybe a new enemy?
The harmonica playing got more off-key.
“Would you knock that off!?” Radish finally snapped. “It’s such a cliché!”
An orange unicorn mare stepped forward in the cell. An elaborate inhibitor ring was clamped on her horn. She sneered at Radish.
“What are you, a music critic?”
“You call that music? I’ve heard angry geese keep better time.”
The mare smirked and leaned against her bars.
“So, what are you in here for?”
“Nothing. I’m innocent.”
“Yeah, me too.”
A door on one end of the room opened. Another unicorn mare, this one pale yellow and wearing thick glasses and a blue robe, entered the dungeon.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t teacher’s pet,” scoffed the mare in the cell.
“I have nothing to say to a traitor,” said the robed mare dismissively. She turned to Radish. “You, however, are most interesting. You have the whole castle abuzz with your mysterious sudden appearance in Luna’s bedroom.”
“He did what!?” exclaimed the orange mare. The pale yellow mare ignored her.
“How did you do it? Your cutie mark is an equal sign- are you skilled at calculations? And if so, have you invented some kind of matter-energy transporter device?”
Radish shrugged. “Yeah, that’s exactly what I did. I built it in my garage out of pie tins.”
“I highly doubt that. Please stand still.”
“For what?”
She lit up her horn and waved it in front of Radish. Radish felt alternating hot and cold sensations pass through his body. He grit his teeth. The mare raised an eyebrow.
“Curious. Your thaumions have the wrong isospin,” she said.
“Yeah? Well same to you, too, missy.”
“But that could only be possible if… huh. Oh. Oh, my stars! You’re a fence jumper, aren’t you!?”
“A what?”
“A visitor from another consequent? Some have hypothesized that causal raying is possible, but nopony’s ever produced tangible evidence! I could write a paper on you! Several, in fact.”
“Who the heck are you?”
“Oh, sorry. I’m Moondancer. I’m the Element of Magic.”
“No you're not. I know the Element of Magic.”
“Oh, really? Could you describe her? What’s her mass in kilograms?”
“Like I’d answer that.”
“What if I offered you this?”
She floated a ring on a chain in front of Radish’s face. Radish’s eyes went wide.
“My engagement ring!” He reached out for it, but she floated it back out of his reach.
“You can have it back if you cooperate with my research.”
“Would that get me out of this cell?”
“Of course not. You’re a convicted criminal.”
“Convicted? I haven’t even been charged.”
“Well,” she said, adjusting her glasses, “while some might find Princess Celestia’s changes to the justice system to be controversial, many have pointed out that the reforms are already producing benefits, such as increased efficiency and reduced costs.”
“What was that? That sounded rehearsed.”
“The point is, I can’t let you out of that cell.”
Radish brushed his mane over his ear and leaned close, flashing a friendly smile.
“What if I promised you I’d be a good boy?”
Moondancer stepped back, stammering. “I…”
“I'll let you study me all you want. In depth. Just go get that little key and let me out.”
“But I…”
A flume of smoke entered the room. It popped into a scroll. She caught and read it.
“Oh, uh, I need to go. Here, take this,” she said, tossing Radish his ring. “I’ll, uh, be back.”
She left in a hurry. The mare in the cell scoffed. “Did you seriously think that would work?”
“I didn’t get this engagement ring by being un-charming,” Radish said, taking it off its chain to examine it.
“Well, don’t count on seeing your fiancée ever again.”
“Who are you?” asked Radish. “She called you a traitor.”
“Ugh, of course that officious little toady would say that. When I get my hands on her-”
“Your what?”
“Hooves. When I get my hooves on her, I’ll jam those ugly glasses of hers so far up her rear end, she’ll have to cough to read.”
“Okay, well, have fun with that. I’m out of here.”
“Out of here? ‘Here’ is the dungeons, genius.”
Radish held his ring’s chain in his teeth and whipped it at a spot on the wall beyond the bars that had just been out of his reach. He snagged it on a barely-perceptible switch carved into the wall. He pulled it, and the wall in his cell slid open, revealing a concealed passage.
“Whoa!” called the girl. “What is that?”
“I’ve spent a lot of time in these under-tunnels,” Radish said, replacing his engagement ring on its chain and putting it around his neck. “I know every hidden passageway down here. Whoever turned this room into a prison apparently didn’t realize this room is riddled with them.”
“Wait!” shouted the girl in the cell. “Can you get me out, too?”
“Why should I help you?”
“You don’t actually have anywhere to flee to, do you? I have friends in the city. You help me, they’ll help you.”
Radish paused. He eyed her carefully. “I feel like trusting you would be a huge mistake.”
“If you don’t take me with you, I’ll tell the guards exactly how you escaped. They’ll flood the tunnels with troops.”
Radish sighed. “Fine. Stand back from the walls.”
Radish disappeared into the passage, and the secret door slid shut behind him. A few seconds later, the back wall of the mare’s cell opened. She rushed into the passage, where Radish was waiting. He pushed the door closed again.
“Okay, now follow me, and no funny business.”
The orange mare grinned. “Of course. No funny business.”
Moondancer stared down at the large circular crystal table that had appeared in the middle of a field on the outskirts of Ponyville. Spike, her adoptive dragon brother, followed her, taking notes.
“You weren’t kidding, Spike. This is a curious anomaly, on a day that’s already been full of curious anomalies.”
“So, what are we looking at?”
“I don’t know, but I aim to find out.”
Moondancer cast a spell which enveloped the table in sparkles. The surface of the table glowed, then displayed a three-dimensional map of Equestria. The Equestria it depicted, however, was all wrong. She frowned.
“Go gather the rest of the girls. I think we’re in trouble.”
The Only Mark That Matters
138. The Surprise, Part 3
Radish and the orange mare stalked carefully through the secret passage. It was pitch-black, forcing them to painstakingly feel their way along the grimy walls.
“You know,” the mare said, “if we can get the ring off my horn, I can light our way.”
“If we got the ring off your horn, couldn’t you just teleport us out?”
“Nope. The whole castle is sealed against teleporting. Everypony has to get in and out the old-fashioned way.”
“Fine. Hold still.”
Radish felt for her horn and gripped the ring in his hooves. He scoffed.
“Wow, this thing feels cheap. Totally shoddy work, just like the jail cells.”
“Really?”
Radish squeezed the sides of the ring with his forehooves. Its lock popped open, and he pulled the ring off her horn.
“Are you kidding me!?” she exclaimed, irritated. “I could have done that the whole time!?”
“Don’t feel bad. Lots of magic users overlook the mundane solutions,” Radish said, slipping the ring onto his tail for safekeeping.
She lit up her horn and illuminated the tunnel. It was caked in dust and draped in spiderwebs. They carefully made their way onward.
“Hmm, is that how you snuck into Princess Luna’s tower? Using these mundane tunnels, where the guards only prepared against magic?”
“I didn’t sneak into Luna’s tower. I walked in like normal, but then everything just… changed around me.”
She cocked her eyes at him.
“What, are you saying that you really did jump herefrom another timeline?”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s what Moondancer was asking you. Why do you think she was so excited?”
“Another timeline? You mean, like the human world?”
“No, that’s an entirely diff… wait. How do you know about the human world!?”
“From Twilight Sparkle.”
“Who?”
“The real Element of Magic. A criminal named Sunset Shimmer stole her crown and fled there through a magic mirror. She had to follow her to get it back.”
“That’s not what happened!”
Radish stopped in his tracks. He looked the girl over.
“Sunset Shimmer?”
“That’s right.”
“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”
“I came back to Equestria for a crown, all right. But I never even got to lay a fing… a hoof on it. The mirror was in transit from the Crystal Empire to Canterlot. I popped out inside a freight car on a royal cargo train, and guards immediately piled on me. I was thrown into the dungeon with no trial, no sentence, no charges.”
“Celestia let that happen to her old student?”
“I haven’t seen hide nor fur of Celestia since I got back. But that’s probably for the best- I get the sense that she’s not really a pony you’d like to meet nowadays.”
“How so?”
“All the guards seem afraid of her. Speak about her in hushed tones. The Celestia I knew was uptight, but I never thought she’d be a tyrant.”
“The Celestia I know could never become a tyrant.”
“Oh, really? Lucky you.”
“If you were captured immediately, then how do you have friends in the city?”
“Oh, I lied about that.”
“Ugh, you bi-”
“Like you wouldn’t have said anything to get out of there.”
“Well, congrats. It worked.”
“Hmm?”
Radish pulled a lever in the wall. After a series of clanks, the wall swung open, filling the tunnel with sunlight. Just beyond was a Canterlot boulevard. It was quiet- there were no ponies on the sidewalks, nor carts in the street.
“We made it outside the castle!” gasped Sunset Shimmer. She rushed outside and gazed into the sky.
“Now,” said Radish closing the door behind them, “I need to-”
“Yeah, me, too.”
She touched her horn to Radish’s head, and they both disappeared in a flash of light.
Moondancer stood before the mysterious crystal table alongside Spike and the other five Elements of Harmony- Applejack, Rarity, Bon Bon, Cloudkicker, and Blossomforth.
“So… yer sayin’ that this here table… is a magical map… from another world?” Applejack asked, scratching her head.
“Yes. And it’s not the only mystery of time and space I’ve encountered today,” answered Moondancer. “If I’m correct, something has gone seriously wrong with our world’s history.”
“You are correct, Element of Magic.”
The seven turned in the direction of the unknown voice. Hovering above the table was a small glittering purple alicorn that none of them had ever seen before.
“Who are you?” demanded Bon Bon, interposing herself between the table and her friends.
“I am a gift of hope from ponies of the far past. But your past is not what it once was.”
“I knew it! Quickly, Spike! Take all this down!” exclaimed Moondancer excitedly.
“A wayward pony was given free reign to manipulate destiny, so that she may come to appreciate Harmony. She shattered and remade history a dozen times over. In the end, Friendship won out, as expected. But an unforeseen imperfection budded this excess branch which I have no power over.”
“This is amazing!” cheered Moondancer. “Actual confirmation that we inhabit a rogue timeline!”
“Ah, dear, are you saying that our entire world, everything we know, is like a… loose thread?” Rarity asked.
“A loose thread which will unravel the tapestry of history,” said the alicorn. “Unless the imperfection is repaired, this branch will wither, and take the whole body with it.”
“So, uh, how do we fix this… imperfection?” asked Cloudkicker, hovering closer to her.
“You must find… at the heart of… He must… but without…”
The purple alicorn’s voice faded in and out as her image distorted as if reflected in a melting mirror. She blinked out of existence entirely.
“Uh, hello?” asked Blossomforth, poking at the table. “We didn't quite get that.”
It did not respond.
“Well, now what?” asked Applejack.
Moondancer put a hoof to her chin. “That stallion! He must be the key to all this.”
“Ooh, a stallion? Is he cute?” asked Rarity. Spike rolled his eyes.
“Come on, girls! And Spike. We need to get to the dungeons of Canterlot!”
Radish and Sunset reappeared in the center of a stage on a large, dim theater. The seats were empty, and the layer of dust on every surface gave the impression that the place had gone untouched for decades.
“Where are we?” Radish asked.
“When I was a kid, I used to come here to practice magic. Lifting props, moving the sets around, playing with the lights. It was abandoned then, and I figured it would still be abandoned after all these years. I figured right.”
“Okay, so you want to hide out here?”
“Not for too long. Tell me about this other timeline of yours. You said your Celestia didn’t go tyrant. What else is it like?”
“Why?”
“Equestria went down the toilet while I was gone. Even if I could get back to the mirror, it won’t open again for like, another twenty moons. If I can’t get back to the human world, I’ll take my chances in yours.”
“I don't know how to get back to my world. I don't even know how I left it.”
“Don’t worry, I know way more about this kind of time-space thing than Little Miss Moondancer.”
She cast a series of spells, making runes and geometric shapes appear in the air above Radish. He felt his fur stand on end.
“Hmm,” she said. “There is something odd about your magical make-up.”
“I don’t wear magical makeup.”
“Please, no jokes. The anomaly is too subtle to analyze properly. The only way I’m going to reverse-engineer how you jumped timelines is to separate and sort through your molecules.”
“And put them back together?”
“Uh… yeah. Sure.”
Radish narrowed his eyes. He stepped back slowly.
“You know, maybe we should get a bite to eat before we do any time-space stuff. I’ll just run and get us a couple sandwiches.”
Sunset Shimmer threw a telekinetic aura around Radish and shoved him to the floor, pinning him in place.
“What are you doing!?”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be. I need to get out of here, and you're my only option.”
Radish swatted his tail at her head, whipping the inhibitor ring back down onto her horn. Her aura died out and Radish leapt to his hooves.
“Hey!”
Radish punched the ring, jamming its lock closed. He galloped away.
“You jerk!” called Sunset, pawing at the ring. “Get back here and let me dissect you!”
Moondancer reentered the dungeon room she had visited earlier that day with Spike and her friends in tow. They found nothing but empty cells.
“So where’s this guy you were talking about?” Bossomforth asked Moondancer.
“Good question.” She flagged down a guard in the hallway passing by the door. “Pardon me, sir, where is the stallion who was in that cell?”
“That’s classified, miss.”
“Oh. Well, then, what happened to the mare who was in that other cell?”
“That’s also classified.”
“But-”
“Have a nice day, Lady Moondancer.”
The guard walked away.
Bon Bon scoffed. “The guards have been awfully rude to us lately.”
“If I’m bein’ honest, it kinda feels like all of Equestria has gone to seed lately,” grumbled Applejack. “Maybe that gal in the table was right. Maybe sumthin’ really did go wrong with our world’s destiny that we need to put right.”
“Spike, take a message,” said Moondancer.
“For who?”
“Princess Celestia.”
The others gasped. Spike gave Moondancer an uncomfortable look.
“Are you, uh, sure about that?”
“Yes. she’ll respond this time, I’m sure of it.”
Radish burst out of the playhouse’s rear exit into a back alley. He took stock of his surroundings. The architecture of the buildings around him was of an older Cart Deco style- he was in west downtown Canterlot. He rushed down a series of alleyways, wending his way unseen through disused courtyards, occasionally cutting through empty foyers of boarded-up tenement buildings, climbing over brick walls, crawling under windows, and darting between shadowy arches.
After putting a satisfactory distance between himself and the theater, he slowed to a careful skulk. He had lost Sunset Shimmer, but now he was faced with the reality that he had nowhere to go, just a vague sense pulling him toward more familiar parts of town.
He journeyed as far as he could by sticking to the shadows, and emerged onto what he remembered as the busiest street of a popular neighborhood. It was home to numerous bars and restaurants of historical interest, and was thus usually dense with tourists. Radish hoped to disappear into the crowds.
The street was empty. No ponies walked the sidewalks, no carts rolled down the thoroughfare. Only a single taxi cab was parked down the block. Radish didn’t have any cab fare.
He walked on, keeping alert. The streets were devoid of life, but there were new additions as well. Street lamps bore new banners- the flag of Equestria. So did most windows, benches, and trash cans. The flag was seemingly everywhere now.
Why does everypony need so much reminding which country they live in?
Okay, Radish, think. You’re in a different ‘timeline’, apparently. So what do you do about it?
Twilight’s the only one who knows about that kind of stuff. But where is she? Is she somewhere out there, as lost and confused as I am? What would she do in a situation like this?
She would start to fix any problem by heading to a library. But I can’t do that while I’m wanted by the law.
He realized he had stopped walking. He looked up and found himself standing in front of Cat’s Howl.
I guess it was inevitable that I’d make my way here.
The store was dark inside, and the floor looked devoid of merchandise or even shelving. The door was locked and a ‘For Lease’ sign hung in the window. He turned to look at Splash Page’s comic book store. It was open, at least.
Splash Page was always talking about time travel stuff in comic books. Sometimes for hours on end. Maybe he knows how these things work.
He entered the store. Splash was seated behind the counter.
“Hi. How can I help you?”
He doesn’t recognize me either.
“Could you tell me what happened to the girl who ran the store across the street? Where is Light Fantastic?”
“Oh… she moved back home a few months ago.”
“Back home? You mean to Cirruscinatti?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
He sighed. “The same story as a lot of ponies in this neighborhood. She was forced to change jobs because of the IDEA.”
“The idea?”
“How did you know her? You an old boyfriend?”
“Yeah…”
“Sorry.”
“Hey, what can you tell me about-”
Through the window, Radish noticed a pair of royal guards marching down the street. They were approaching the store.
“You know, I’ll just be browsing in the back.”
Radish trotted to the back of the store and ducked out of sight just as the guards flung open the door. They stomped up to the counter. Radish peered at them around a shelf.
“Have you seen either this stallion or this mare?” one of the guards demanded, holding up two wanted posters. Splash Page squinted at them. Radish’s heart held its beats.
“Haven’t seen them. Can I interest either of you in a subscription to Ironcolt ?”
The guards muttered some unpleasant words to Splash Page and left. Splash Page watched them walk away through the window.
“They’re gone,” he said to Radish.
Radish stood up. He and Splash page stared at each other for a moment.
“Thanks.”
Splash Page shrugged. “Hey, anypony who’s no friend to the Guard is a friend here.”
Radish recalled a comment made by Barrel Roller during his interrogation. He trotted close and lowered his voice.
“Do you get a lot of ponies in here who are no friends to the Guard?”
“A lot of lives got turned upside down because of the IDEA. But there are ponies trying to change things.”
“You mean… ‘the Campaign’?”
Splash Page nodded.
“Do you know where I can find them?”
“They don’t trust just anypony.”
“I’m not just anypony.”
The Only Mark That Matters
139. The Surprise, Part 4
Splash Page led Radish down the streets of midtown, taking a circuitous route to their destination. Eventually, they stood before a long alley. At the end of the alley was a red door. It was the same cafe Radish and Rarity in which had met the Campaign for Alicorn Authenticity.
“I should’ve known this was the place,” said Radish.
“Yeah, but you can’t get a hoof in the door without an introduction from me. And keep the alternate timeline thing to yourself- most ponies aren’t as open-minded about that kind of stuff as I am.”
Splash Page knocked on the door. A viewing hatch opened in its center. A eye peered suspiciously at them behind a small grate.
“Hey,” said a gruff voice. “Who’s that?”
“Hey. He’s a new friend. He’s cool,” Splash Page stated nonchalantly.
For the third time that day, Radish felt a scanning spell pass through his body. This one felt somewhat warm.
“All right,” said the doorkeeper. He opened the door and let them pass inside.
They entered the dimly-lit cafe. A number of ponies were hunched over the tables, whispering to themselves. Splash Page led Radish to a small booth.
“There’s going to be a special guest speaker tonight,” said Splash Page. “I think you should meet him.”
“Who exactly are you guys?” asked Radish.
“We're called ‘CLIFF’- The Campaign for Loose Interpretation of Flank Features. We’re trying to overturn the IDEA.”
“Okay, and what’s this ‘IDEA’?”
“The Inerrant Destiny Enforcement Act. It’s a law that Celestia passed last year.”
“Destiny? Enforcement?”
“Basically, the law says everypony has to work a job directly referenced by their cutie mark, interpreted as literally as possible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Ponies can no longer interpret their cutie marks symbolically. If you have a paintbrush in your cutie mark, you have to paint. If you have a diamond cutie mark, you have to be a jeweler. And so on.”
“Why? What’s the point?”
“Nopony knows. Celestia didn’t give a reason, she just decreed it.”
“But how could she make such a far-reaching rule like that on her own? What about congress? What about the courts? The Constitution?”
“Ah, well, Celestia also decreed that her authority supersedes all others. And she expanded the scope of the Royal Guard to enforce that.”
“And everypony just let that happen?”
“Oh, there were protests. Even the Elements of Harmony weren’t on board with it at first. But it’s hard to argue with the pony who raises the sun.”
“But wouldn’t so many ponies being forced to suddenly change jobs just totally wreck Equestria? Like, the economy and stuff?”
“There was a grace period. But, yeah, the lives of about half the ponies in this country were turned up-side down. I was lucky, but most of my friends and neighbors weren’t. Light Fantastic had to go back to cloud-sculpting. Haven’t heard from her since.”
“But how did all this start? Celestia couldn't have just snapped one day. There must have been more leading up to it.”
“Well, the answer to that depends on how far back you look. I think it really all started when a group of nobleponies freed Discord from stone. He ran amok for days before the Elements of Harmony could corner him again.”
Radish recalled his secret mission with the bat ponies. “Discord’s groupies. So, they actually succeeded.”
“That prompted a huge clamping-down on the nobility. Assets frozen and seized. And in most ponies’ eyes, it was about time. But soon after that, a street gang kidnapped Celestia’s niece. Captain Shining Armor tore the town apart trying to find her, invoking whatever emergency powers he needed and suspending any civil rights that got in his way. He got her back, but we didn’t get most of those rights back.”
“The Warmbloods succeeded, too? Celestia must have felt under attack from every level of society.”
“And then there were the more, well, personal tragedies that piled upon Celestia. None of which excuse or explain what she’s done, though.”
“Then, what is CLIFF trying to achieve?”
“Right now, we’re organizing. Gathering information and numbers. Making allies. Oh! Like him!” Splash Page pointed to a pony at the other end of the room. “Our guest speaker is here. Let’s listen. I’ll introduce you after.”
A tall eggshell-white unicorn stallion stepped up onto a small stage in the corner of the cafe. The room got quiet and attentive. Radish’s jaw dropped.
“Spats?” Radish said to himself.
“You know Spatterdash?” Splash Page asked.
“You know Spatterdash?” Radish asked.
“He’s an up-and-coming member of CLIFF. A lot of guards were kicked out of the service for having the wrong cutie marks. Quite a few landed here.”
Spats stood tall, gazing around the room. He cleared and throat and spoke commandingly.
“Fillies and gentlecolts, life in Equestria has become untenable. It’s been a year since the IDEA took effect. A year since the lives of more than half of ponykind were upended with no debate, no recourse, and no choice.
“A year since the justice system was pulled out from under us. A year since we lost representation in our government. A year of living under the boot of the Royal Guard. I say, no more. We have no powers of protest anymore… but the power to do nothing at all.
“I’m proposing a general nationwide strike. Every pony who was forced into a new job should refuse to do that job. Every pony who was allowed to keep their old job should also refuse to do that job.”
A murmur passed across the room. The listeners debated the merits of his plan. Most seemed to be liking it.
“Life in Equestria used to be about choice. About freedom. The freedom to interpret our cutie marks based on what they mean to us, not how they look to others. We used to be able to choose the trails we trot, but now we’ve been yoked to the cart of oppression and forced to pull it down the road of tyranny. No more! We are going to unhitch ourselves and gallop free!”
The room cheered. Radish leaned back.
“I didn’t know Spats could command a room like that.”
“He was a guard, but he was studying to be a lawyer before he was forced into the fashion industry. That’s the kind of talent that’s been lost because of the IDEA.”
Spats passed through the room, shaking hooves and speaking with the patrons.
Suddenly, a gray earth mare burst into the cafe from the back door. Radish recognized her, too. She was Marble Pie.
“It’s a raid!” she howled. “Guards are tearing the block apart!”
The room flooded with panic. Ponies took to their hooves and ran, knocking over tables as they fled.
“Everypony calm down!” called Spats. “There’s no need to-”
The front door exploded, knocking the doorkeeper away. A large contingent of royal guards rushed into room. They seized and knocked down ponies, pouncing on ones that ran while attacking ones that resisted.
A guard blasted in Radish’s direction with a bolt of lightning. Splash Page kicked the table into the air. It intercepted the lightning, sending it spinning away in flames while Splash Page dragged Radish behind the bar.
“You need to get out of here!” Splash said. “If we really are in a bad timeline, only you can fix it!”
“How!?”
“Find out how it all went wrong. The divergence point!”
“But-
They heard a mare shout. They popped their heads behind the bar and saw Marble Pie, angrily swinging a chair around herself to keep a group of four guards at bay. A fountain of expletives poured from her mouth.
“Go!” Splash Page cried, then vaulted over the bar to assist her. Across the room Radish caught a glimpse of Spats running into the fray. He was rushing to the door, where a guard in purple-trimmed armor had entered.
It was Shining Armor. He saw Spats and scowled.
“Traitor!” he bellowed.
“No, captain,” said Spats. “I’ve kept true to my oath. I’m protecting Equestria from its enemies. It's just that these days, its enemies live in the palace.”
Shining Armor blasted at Spats with a dark red laser. The laser barely missed him as Radish leapt to knock Spats out of the way, pulling him down to the floor.
Shining Armor saw Radish’s face and reeled back in horror.
“You!? But… but… you’re dead!”
Radish didn’t take any time to reflect on these words, only taking the opportunity to rush Shining Armor and buck him with both hind legs. Shining splat into the cafe wall. He shook the ringing out of his head and pointed to Radish.
“Guards! Get that stallion! I want him alive!”
Radish ran out the front door.
“Hey! Asshole!” he heard a mare shout.
Radish looked ahead. Sunset Shimmer was in the alley in front of him, glaring.
“You there! Halt!” called Shining Armor, emerging from the cafe behind Radish.
Sunset Shimmer fired a glowing orange beam at Radish. Shining Armor fired a sparkly pink beam at Radish. Radish ducked, and the two beams met mid-air above his head, shoving each other back and forth. Radish scrambled to his hooves and rushed past Sunset Shimmer. She eyed him angrily, but let him pass to keep her beam engaged.
Radish ran, not entirely sure where he was going. He considered and rejected a dozen ideas. His options became starkly limited, however, as he noticed royal guards cutting off the streets behind him, the alleys to his sides, and the airspace above him.
A column of fire erupted in the center of the street. A towering mare stepped out of it and into Radish’s path. He scrambled back.
The mare was clad in a heavy black dress, with cuffs down to her forehooves and a trailing black skirt which hid her tail under a bustle. A wide-rimmed black hat, which held a lacey black veil around her head, concealed her face and mane.
She turned her head toward Radish, the paused for a beat. A golden magical aura pushed the veil back, revealing Celestia’s face.
Radish’s eyes went wide. Celestia’s eyes went wide.
“Radish Root?” she asked quietly. “Is that you? Is that really, truly, you?”
“Princess Celestia?”
She flung her hat off, letting her mane flow free. With a flick of her horn, she yanked him through the air into a tight embrace.
“Whoa!” gasped Radish.
“Oh, Radish, you’re alive! I knew you were alive! I knew destiny would bring you back to me!”
“Uh, but-”
“Come!”
She teleported them both away in another column of flame. Radish fell into a large plush bed in a large, stately bedroom. Celestia waved her horn again, and her black dress burned away into nothing. She stepped up to the bed.
“Princess, I need- mmph!”
Radish was interrupted by Celestia pressing her lips into his.
The Only Mark That Matters
140. The Surprise, Part 5
Radish’s mind went fuzzy. His vision narrowed. His skin felt tight. His tail twitched.
He was able to breathe again when Celestia broke the kiss. She looked down at Radish with tears in her eyes.
“I never thought I’d see you again, Radish! I thought you were gone forever!”
“I’m, uh, okay…” he said, gasping.
She pelted his face with more kisses. He felt his muscles relax and his skin go numb.
“Oh, Radish,” she said between kisses. “I was a fool. Can you forgive me?”
Radish managed to scrape enough cognizance together to squeak out, “…for …what?”
She hugged him.
“For rejecting you, of course. Denying you your destiny. For sending you away.”
“Sending me away?”
“Yes. It was the worst mistake I’d ever made in my life.”
Radish felt a bit of his mind sharpen into focus. He met her eyes. “You mean… how it all went wrong?”
She nodded solemnly. “Yes.”
Radish fought to keep the focus. “I’m having trouble remembering everything. Could you tell me what happened?”
“I’ll do better than that. I’ll show you. I’ve replayed it over and over in my head every day since that fateful reunion.”
She sat against the bed’s headboard and pulled Radish to her side. He shivered. She gestured across the room, then projected a large glowing rectangle from her horn. Images played out across it- a movie of Radish, in Courtyard A, as seen from Celestia’s point of view.
“Do you remember this day?” she asked.
Radish squinted. He realized he was watching her memory of the day he applied to the Royal Guard.
“Hello, Ranger Radish Root,” said the Celestia of the past.
“Hello, ma’am,” said the past Radish.
“You’ve come a long way in a short time.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“And now you want to be in my Guard.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Radish watched Celestia’s face as she projected the scene. She had a pained and haunted expression. She silently mouthed the words that the memory spoke.
“You now much more resemble the stallion in the mark.”
“Yes, ma’am. I agree.”
“I believe your cutie mark is leading you on a unique path, and I don’t know what that is. But you’ve made your choices, and I must make one now.”
The view turned to look at the orange tree in the center of the courtyard. It was different from how Radish remembered it. It was withered, gnarled, and bare. Strips of bark were sloughing off, revealing pockmarked heartwood.
“That tree was a gift from the city of Balencia. The soil is different there. The climate is on a different schedule. It turned sickly its first year. My star pupil Moondancer insisted she could find the right soil conditions to allow it to flourish. But try as she might, she couldn’t save it. It didn’t belong here, and thus it suffered and perished.”
The view turned back to Radish.
“You don’t belong here, either. And I will not watch you wither under my command.”
“Princess Celestia, I-”
“But in the Rangers, you are thriving. You have an excellent service record, you have earned medals, and you are well-liked by everycreature you meet. You have found the place where you belong, Radish Root.”
“Ma’am…”
“I will understand if you no longer consider me a friend after this, but I want you to know that I am proud of you, Radish, for building a life of honorable, distinguished service.”
“...thank you…”
"Please, continue to help those in need. You've become a noble steed, and I know it won’t be long before you find the love of your life.”
“Thank you, Princess Celestia. I think I'm ready for her.”
The scene ended and the spell faded. Radish looked up at Celestia. “Then, you never hired me?”
She hugged him.
“No. You went back to the Rangers, back to the plains, and back to a buffalo friend of yours. The two of you were wed within the year.”
“Me and Sky? Married?”
“As an official member of the Black Bluff tribe, you wore paint markings where your cutie marks were. You were free to roam about unclothed, like any other pony. You were happy, Radish Root. And I was happy for you. But then… there was an incident. You were killed protecting the tribe.”
Celestia nuzzled into Radish’s neck. He inhaled sharply.
“You were given a hero's funeral, but I could not bring myself to attend. I’m sorry, Radish. It was all my fault. If I had accepted you in the Guard, you wouldn’t have been put in that danger.”
Radish swallowed. “The life of a royal guard is plenty dangerous, too, princess. You can’t blame every bad thing that happens on yourself.”
“Oh, but so many bad things started to happen after that.”
“Like what?”
“Like the Halcyon incident.”
“Halcyon?”
“A suitor for my affections, with seemingly unlimited power. I sailed away with him to keep him placated. But a few nights into the voyage, he revealed to me that he was a fraud… and that he had no time left in this world. He died apologizing.”
“He died!?”
“Yes. I cremated his body, spread his ashes over the ocean, and returned to Equestria, maintaining his lies. Soon after that, a gang of hoodlums stole a shipment of Guard weaponry and kidnapped Cadance. Her face was scarred badly during her rescue- the glamor magazines don’t print so many pictures of her anymore.”
“Candance got hurt? What about Luna?”
“Luna? Luna never properly recovered from Nightmare Moon. She’s completely withdrawn from the world these days. She won’t even try to use her powers.”
“Luna…”
Radish felt Celestia’s body tense up.
“And in the midst of all those tragedies, Worthy Wagoner had the audacity to step forward and propose marriage. I’m sorry, Radish, but I had to accept when I saw the dowry he was offering.”
“His piece of the sun?”
“Indeed.”
“Then… where is Worthy now?”
Celestia got a far-off look in her eyes. She scowled.
“All he cared about was my body, you see. All he wanted from me was pleasure. So that’s all he got from me. On our wedding night, I gave him all the pleasure I was capable of giving. And it was more than any stallion has ever experienced in a lifetime, focused into a single moment of overwhelming joy.”
“He… you…”
“Is it my fault his heart could not handle it?”
“You… you…”
“Gave him what he wanted. And as his widow, I got everything he had."
“You got the sun shard back?”
“Yes. I freed it from its crystal prison at last.”
She slumped down over Radish.
“But alas, it was too weak to survive outside of captivity. It died in my hooves. And now the sun will be forevermore incomplete.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It was my fault. I failed my cutie mark. Just as I had failed to let you live out your cutie mark. That’s when tragedies happen, Radish- when ponies fail to live the lives destiny sets out for them.”
“Is that why you decreed the IDEA?”
“Yes. To honor you. To make sure that nopony is ever kept from their destiny again.”
“But ponies are unhappy with it.”
“Give them time. They will see how destiny rewards the faithful.” She leaned in close. “After all, is it not destiny’s reward that you have been brought back to me?”
“I, uh…”
“Destiny has given us another chance at happiness, and this time I will not squander it.”
She used her magic to float Radish’s engagement ring up to her face. She smiled.
“I see you brought a gift for me.” She read the inscription inside. “Together, no matter whatever. How perfect. Nothing can keep us apart anymore, not even death itself.”
She kneeled before Radish in the bed.
“I have a gift for you, too.”
She cast a spell, and a small box appeared floating in front of him. She opened it, revealing a diamond ring. Radish stared at it.
“I cannot deny my love for you any longer,” she said. “Radish Root, will you marry me?”
Radish felt as if he had been bucked in the chest. His mind reeled. He knew he couldn’t, but the exact reason why seemed to be eluding every attempt to grasp it.
“But… I love…”
“I love you too, Radish.”
“I’m with… but I’m with…”
“You’re with me, yes, now and forever,” she said. “My handsome, noble prince.”
Radish’s eyes dilated. “Prince?”
“Yes! You and I will sit the thrones side-by-side, as princess and prince.”
A piece of his sanity bubbled up to the top of his consciousness. “Then, I could revoke the IDEA?”
“But of course! Anything you want.”
“Anything I want?”
“Truly. Equestria will be ours to rule as we see fit.”
“Whoa…”
Radish turned the possibilities over in his mind. A tiny voice inside Radish’s head was screaming at him through the noise. He looked at the ring Celestia held again.
“Celestia…”
“Yes, Radish, dear?”
“Yes,” he said, barely above a whisper.
“Oh, Radish!”
She hugged him. She kissed him again. His mind settled into a fog. The tiny screaming voice grew distant and indistinct. He started kissing her back.
“Mmmmm… Celestia…”
“Oh! I have something to show you!” she squealed.
She leapt off the bed and bounded out of the room excitedly, leaving Radish laying face-up in the bed, his sweat soaking into the sheets.
A burst of magic made a scroll appear in the air. It landed in the bed next to Radish’s head. He turned to look at it. Its tag read “To: Princess Celestia, From: Moondancer”.
The entire scope of the past day coalesced into Radish’s attention. He glanced at the door, then opened the scroll and read it.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have news of great importance. According to my very thorough research, the world as we know it occupies a rogue timeline. Our very history is not as it should be. The divergence seems to have stemmed from an “imperfection” in a particular stallion’s magical make-up. To be specific, it is the very same stallion who was caught in Princess Luna’s bedchambers today. I believe we have little time to lose in identifying and repairing this imperfection. Catastrophic time-space events may result from inaction. Please, respond as soon as you read this.
Your faithful student,
Moondancer
Radish frowned. Celestia came prancing back into the room, carrying a chunk of crystal under her wing. Radish held up the scroll.
“This is… uh… you should…”
“Oh, yet another letter from Moondancer? Don’t let her interrupt our special evening.”
She took the scroll in her aura and flung it over her shoulder. Radish watched it go, its significance fading away from his mind as it faded from his view. Celestia held up the crystal in front of Radish’s face.
“Do you recognize it?”
Radish fixed his gaze on it. He did indeed recognize it.
“My cutie mark?”
“It appeared in my private vault this morning, seemingly out of nowhere. I’ve been trying to divine the reason all day.”
“And, uh, what is the reason?”
She grinned. “It’s obvious now. Destiny sent you and your cutie mark back separately, to avoid all the silly social issues it raises. Now there’s no reason you can’t show off your very attractive flanks at our wedding. Our subjects will see you with those equal signs, but in private, we’ll both know that this is your true mark.”
She looked at Radish’s cutie mark and bit her lower lip.
“A mark of love. A mark of passion. I had forgotten how… thoroughly pleasured… I look in your mark. I know it’s tradition to wait until after the wedding, but I’ve waited too long already.”
She placed the crystal on a nightstand next to her bed, then crawled next to Radish and turned around, lifting her tail and presenting her hindquarters. She waved her rump back and forth, giving him a seductive look.
“Take me, Radish. Take me like in your mark. Claim your destiny. Make me your mare.”
Radish’s vision narrowed. His mouth went dry. His fur stood on end.
He mechanically crawled over to her. He swallowed hard.
He heard a small No! Don’t do it! from somewhere inside. He strained to hear it.
You can’t do this! Think of her! it wailed.
Of who?
Your fiancee!
My fiance is right here. I’m engaged to Celestia, just like I’ve always wanted to be.
That is not your fiancee! Your fiancee is-
“Light!” Radish sputtered, the realization hitting him like a bolt of lightning. “Light!”
“What’s wrong, Radish?”
Radish seized his cutie mark from the nightstand and hurled it at the floor. The crystal shattered. The mark flew out of the shards and circled his body, dragging him into the air. It then planted itself on his flanks.
“Ahhhghhh!”
A blinding flash emanated from his restored marks. Radish felt like he had been pressed from both sides simultaneously. He slumped over, feeling aches in every joint.
He lay motionless and insensate. Eventually, a shout roused him.
“What on earth? Radish!? Is that you!?”
Radish creaked his eyes open and looked up. It was Princess Celestia- not in the bed, but standing near the door of her washroom, wearing a pink dressing gown and a towel around her mane.
“Princess Celestia? What happened?”
“You don’t know? You’ve been missing, Radish,” she said, approaching him.
“Missing? For how long?”
“Luna says you vanished right in front of her this morning. The whole castle has been searching for you all day.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“And you turned up in my bed.”
She eyed the crystal shards on her floor.
“With your cutie marks back in place.”
Radish cringed. “I swear, it’s not what it looks like. I think Discord has been screwing with me all day.”
Celestia lit up her horn. “Hmm, you have been teleported here by an unusual force, but it wasn’t chaos magic. It’s almost like-”
“Time-space stuff?”
“Indeed. Radish… have you been time-traveling?”
“Ma’am… it’s a crazy story.”
“And then I just… reappeared here. In the right world.”
Celestia stared at Radish, processing his account. He got nervous waiting for her to respond.
“Uh, I swear, that’s what happened.”
“I belive you, Radish. I’m just sorry you’ve been put through such an ordeal. You seem to endure experiences far beyond those expected of a guard.”
“I’m okay, ma’am.”
“How did you know restoring your cutie mark would restore you to your timeline?”
Radish looked back at his cutie mark.
“Sunset Shimmer said she found something odd in me. I figured it was the unmarking. Moondancer wrote about repairing an imperfection, and that had to mean taking my mark back. It seems for me, having a normal cutie mark is odd, and having an imperfect one is normal.”
“If you’d like to try having it removed again-”
“No thank you, ma’am. It always finds its way back to me. But I don’t understand why my mark appeared in the other Celestia’s vault.”
“Ah. Well, I put it in my vault after Light gifted it to me. I guess it made the jump when you did.”
“Really? Light gave it to you? And you locked it away?”
“I put it in a safe place, where I keep many other treasured things.”
“Well, it's a good thing you did. If it hadn't been within reach, I wouldn’t have been able to restore it.”
Radish sighed, and looked up at Celestia with apologetic eyes.
“Princess, I’m sorry. Despite everything I’ve said about getting over you, despite all the progress I’ve made towards becoming just your friend and guard… it’s clear that I still desire you. I was completely captivated by your- by her charms.”
“Radish, you were lost in another world. Disoriented and alone. You can’t judge your behavior under such extreme circumstances.”
“I knew exactly what I was doing. The second you… uh, she… asked for it , my willpower crumbled. I was putty in her hooves.”
“Yet you had willpower enough to break the crystal and return.”
“It was a last-ditch act of a desperate stallion, and if it hadn’t worked, I’d still be there… with her .” Radish grit his teeth. “I’m weak, ma’am. I can’t trust myself to say no to that temptation again.”
He looked at her pleadingly.
“So, I have to put the responsibility on you. Please ma’am, never show interest in me. Never try to tempt me away from Light.”
“Radish! You think that little of me?”
“No, I think that little of myself. Just one seductive glance from you is all it would take for me to throw away everything I’ve built with Light. To ruin my honor as a stallion. I’m sorry to do this, but please, I beg of you.”
He kneeled on the floor in front of Celestia, keeping his head bowed.
“Promise me that you’ll never try to steal me from Light. I’m not strong enough to resist you.”
Celestia frowned. She lifted his chin with a wing and held her hoof over her heart.
“Radish, I swear upon my crown- no, upon the sun- that I will never try to seduce you away from Light Fantastic.”
Radish breathed a sign of relief. “Thank you, princess.”
“But if you don’t mind me saying so, you look like you could use a hug from a friend.”
“I really could.”
She hugged him. He hugged her back. It felt different from other times Celestia had embraced him- he felt soothing warmth, not enticing heat. Her scent was comforting, not exciting. His mind settled, giving him a chance to sort out his memories.
“Princess- what the other Celestia said about the sun shard… could it really die?”
“I believe the shard had been affected by her mental state- her regrets, her guilt, her despair.”
“She was just so sad . You’re not that sad, too, are you?”
“No, Radish. It sounds like you’ve made all the difference in my life. It sounds like you’ve saved me from a litany of tragedies. And you’ve saved me from becoming a tyrant.”
“Oh, I doubt I’m really that special, princess. I’m sure if any one of your guards got erased from history, a bunch of tragedies would result.”
Celestia chuckled and hugged him tighter.
“Princess, do I have permission to tell Light about all this time-space stuff? I need to explain to her why I have my cutie mark back.”
“Yes. Just don’t get too explicit with the more… salacious details, all right?”
“All right.”
“So, you were how close to fucking her?” Light asked, her forehooves crossed.
“Light, I’m sorry.”
“No, answer the question. In terms of distance, how close were you to fucking her?”
“Like… this far,” he said, holding his forehooves a short distance apart.
“Sheesh, I bet you could feel the heat coming off her!”
“Please don’t break up with me.”
“Radish, you just confessed to not cheating on me, with a mare who technically never existed, in a timeline that never actually happened. I’m supposed to be mad at that?”
“But it was real, Light! Every decision I made, I made for real. How are you okay with this?”
She smirked. She ran a hoof along his flank and pointed to his cutie mark. “See this, Rad? It’s how you came back to me. Other ponies have told me that your mark means you’ll cheat on me with her some day. But now I know it really means you never could.” She hugged him. “I trust you, Rad. And I love you.”
“I love you, Light.”
They hugged. Light leaned her muzzle to his ear.
“But you know… if you need to blow off some steam… I still have that Celestia wig…”
“Oh, uh… really?”
“Come to my place tonight.”
“Okay.”
The bell above the door to Light’s shop clanged. Splash Page had walked in. Seeing them in an embrace, he stepped back.
“Oh, sorry. Did I interrupt?”
“Splash!” Radish exclaimed, trotting over to him. He put a hoof around Splash Page’s shoulders.
“You know, you and I have never really spent much time together. Let’s fix that. I want to buy you a beer and get to know you.”
“Oh? Okay.”
“We can even talk comic books! Just nothing involving alternate timelines, okay?”
“Okay, but that’s, like, all of them.”
Celestia sat on her futon in her study, writing in a large book. A dragon-mail letter from Twilight appeared in the air and drifted down before her.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have something new to report regarding Starlight Glimmer. It is good news, however, Radish will not see it as such. I am struggling to find a way to tell him.
It all started during my lecture about cutie mark magic at your school this morning…
Celestia finished reading the letter. She frowned.
“Oh, Twilight. I hope you know what you’re doing.”
Light sighed contentedly as she snuggled into Radish. All over her bed and around her floor lay the frayed, tattered, and sticky remnants of the Celestia wig. She was exhausted, sore, and blissful. Radish slept at her side.
She heard Radish stir. She knew what it meant- he was about to mutter his dreams to the waking world. She leaned her ear to his muzzle to listen.
“Mmm… Light. ”
She felt her heart skip. She kissed him, then settled into the bed and went to sleep.
The Only Mark That Matters
Dear Radish,
Something has happened regarding Starlight Glimmer. I’m guessing you already know. I’d like you to come to Ponyville so we can talk about it in person. Please try to keep an open mind.
Your friend, Twilight Sparkle
Radish stood before Twilight’s castle. Somewhere inside, a criminal lived free. Twilight poked her head out of the door. Radish narrowed his eyes at her. She approached him.
“Look…” Twilight began.
“She assaulted Light, Twi.”
“I know.”
“Locked her in an attic and left her for dead.”
“I know. Look, I can’t ask you to forgive her. I won’t ask you to move past what she did. But promise me you’ll leave her alone? Let her live here in peace?”
“I’m going to arrest her, Twilight.”
“Radish, I’ve pardoned her. The paperwork is already filed.”
“You didn’t waste any time, did you?”
“She’s no longer an enemy. The end result is the same- Starlight Glimmer will never hurt anyone again. Isn’t that what matters?”
“She has a rap sheet a mile long. She should be in prison.”
“What good is rotting in a cell? You make up for actions with better actions.”
“If you let her go without punishment, you’re only encouraging the next villain. You’re breeding criminality from your castle.”
“Breeding criminality? Radish, she’s not getting off scot-free. She’ll work off her crimes under me, as my student.”
“You’re sending a message to her victims that justice doesn’t matter. That the Princess of Friendship doesn’t care about their suffering.”
“Her town has forgiven her.”
“I haven’t. Light hasn’t. The prison she demolished hasn’t. The ponies who lived in fear of the criminals she freed haven’t.”
“I know. But Radish…”
She looked back at her castle.
“This is the only way. I couldn’t stop her, Radish. I could only convince her to stop herself. Now I have to honor the promise I made to her.”
“She’s playing you! You’re smarter than this! She’ll slit your throat in the night and skip town!”
“Radish!”
“She nearly murdered me and now you want to share a bathroom with her!? Do I mean that little to you!?”
Twilight gasped. Her ears drooped and her mouth quivered.
“How can you say that? You know how much I care about you!”
“If you cared for me one bit, you’d have blasted her to Tartarus like Tirek.”
“Radish, please, you have to trust my instincts on this!”
“No. Not this time. You have to trust mine. Twilight, friendship can’t solve everything. It can’t fix everyone.”
Twilight took a step back. Tears welled up in her eyes.
“Tell me you don’t mean that. Tell me you don’t believe that.”
“Twilight…”
“The Magic of Friendship is the most powerful thing on the planet, Radish. Have I been that bad at showing you that?”
Radish sighed.
“It’s just not in the Guard manual, Twilight. We rely on shields and spears. Moats and walls. Martial arts and maneuvers.”
“But surely there’s a bond of Friendship between guards?”
“There can be, but there doesn’t have to be. We’re bound by duty.”
“Radish, are you bound to me by Friendship, or by duty? Are you just a guard working for a princess because his manual says to?”
“I’d rather be duty-bound to a living princess than friend to a dead one. You have to surrender Glimmer to Canterlot to stand trial.”
Twilight wiped her tears and closed her eyes.
“No. I don’t. I’m sorry, Radish. I’ve made my decision.”
“You’re out of your mind, Sparkle.”
“You don’t talk to me like that.”
“I do when you need some sense talked into you.”
Twilight stood tall. She peered at him through narrowing eyes.
“Major Root! The Princess of Friendship has ruled this matter closed. You are ordered to stand down .”
Radish sucked in air. He glared at Twilight.
“Yes, ma’am .”
He saluted her.
“Any other orders, your highness ?”
“You are dismissed , Root.”
She turned and walked away. Her body was shaking.
Radish turned and walked away. His breathing became short and hard.
They both made five steps from each other before they stopped. They turned. They looked at each other, and their faces softened. They galloped up to each other and hugged.
“Twilight, I can’t go through another fight with you. I can’t let it go, but I can let it be.”
“Radish, I’m sorry. This was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made as a princess, because I knew I’d be risking our Friendship. I have to do this. I have to prove that Friendship can redeem her. Otherwise my title, my beliefs, my whole life since I came to Ponyville is a lie.”
He hugged her tighter.
“I don’t want your life to be a lie. But protecting princesses is my life. Don’t let that become a lie either, Twilight. Don’t let your guard down. Take every precaution.”
“I will. Thank you, Rad.”
“If she harms a hair on your coat, I’ll end her. You tell her that.”
Twilight hugged him tighter.
“She knows. She’s terrified of you.”
“That makes me feel a lot better.”
Over her shoulder, Radish saw Spike with Owlowiscious in the doorway. He gestured off to the side behind Twilight’s back.
“Stay in touch, okay? Anything you need.”
“Okay. Thank you.”
Twilight reentered her castle, giving one last wave goodbye. Radish waited in a nearby alley. Spike and Owlowiscious joined him a short time later.
“What’s up, Radish?”
“Hoo.”
“I wanted to talk to you two, guy-to-guy-to-guy. I need you both to promise me you’ll protect Twilight from Glimmer. Whatever it takes- talons, beak, claws, fire.”
“Hooo?”
“Come on, Rad. Starlight’s fine now,” said Spike.
“Promise me!” Radish snarled. Spike took a step back in surprise.
“O-okay, Radish. We promise. We’ll watch Twilight’s back.”
“Hoo hooo.”
“Thank you.”
Radish looked up at the castle. Somewhere inside, a criminal lived free. Radish had to live with that. But Radish didn’t have to like it.
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish patrolled a long, brightly-lit palace corridor. Starlight Glimmer skipped past him, humming gaily. She stopped, turned, and looked at him.
“Hey, I know you!”
Radish stared at her with cold narrowing eyes.
“You’re that guy who, uh, you’re… oh. Oh no.”
Radish flicked out his spear and shoved it through her eye, jamming it forward until the spearhead burst out of the back of her skull with a wet squelch . She fell limp to the ground.
Onion Tartlet, the palace maid, trotted up to him.
“I apologize for the mess, Miss Tartlet,” said Radish, plucking his spear out of her corpse and wiping it.
“No worries,” Onion Tartlet said.
“Hey, Radish,” said Starlight Glimmer, entering through a side door. “I’d like to be friends.”
Radish seized her head and slammed it into the floor. He stomped it to pulp.
“Sorry again, Miss Tartlet.”
“Not at all.”
“Radish!” said Starlight Glimmer, teleporting in. “I want to talk to you.”
Radish bucked her through a stained glass window. Thick shards of shattering multicolor glass cut her body to ribbons. The ribbons landed in the moat outside.
“That’s fine,” said Onion Tartlet.
Radish woke smiling. He began his shift as Princess Luna ended hers, and encountered her leaving the dining room.
“Good morning, major.”
“Good morning, Luna.”
“You seem most content today.”
“I’ve been sleeping really well lately.”
“Ah, perhaps it is due to the lavender I have been putting up in the halls? The aroma is believed to induce pleasant dreams.”
“That must be it. Thank you, princess. You’re always watching out for us.”
“At least somepony appreciates what I do around here. Your dreams have been pleasant, then? I’ve not detected any nightmares from you.”
“They’ve been very pleasant. I can’t wait ‘til the next one.”
“Excellent. I retire now. Good day, and pleasant dreams.”
“Thank you, Luna. Pleasant dreams.”
Radish kicked Starlight Glimmer into Ghastly Gorge. A quarray eel ate her. Radish had Staunch incinerate Starlight Glimmer. Radish clubbed Starlight Glimmer to death with a baseball bat. Radish put cyanide in Starlight Glimmer’s soup. Radish placed a scorpion on Starlight Glimmer’s face while she slept.
Radish watched as Princess Luna stabbed her horn through Starlight Glimmer’s heart. Radish sat eating popcorn while Princess Celestia blasted a hole through Starlight Glimmer’s torso. Radish fed Starlight Glimmer to Applejack’s pigs.
Radish garroted Starlight Glimmer with a piano wire. Radish petted Opalescence as Rarity impaled Starlight Glimmer with knitting needles. Radish dropped a pallet of bricks onto Starlight Glimmer’s head.
Radish cheered on Fluttershy as she loosed a bear on Starlight Glimmer. Radish split Starlight Glimmer’s head with an ax. Radish led a guard ambush on Starlight Glimmer, and his unit riddled her with spears.
Radish peered around the corner as Pinkie Pie fed Starlight Glimmer a cupcake full of broken glass. Radish trapped Starlight Glimmer in Canterlot’s crystal mines, where she starved to death. Radish snapped off Starlight Glimmer’s horn and made her choke on it.
Radish held his ears as Rainbow Dash cracked a sonic rainboom in Starlight Glimmer’s face, pulverizing her skeleton. Radish bucked Starlight Glimmer into the human world, where she stumbled on two legs until she was run over by a motorized vehicle.
Radish convinced Twilight Sparkle to come to her senses. She turned Starlight Glimmer to stone. Radish and Light Fantastic each grabbed two of Starlight Glimmer’s legs and pulled her apart. Radish cut Starlight Glimmer lengthwise with his sword.
Radish turned into an alicorn and blasted Starlight Glimmer into cinders.
Radish woke each time with a smile on his face.
That lavender really does the trick.
The Only Mark That Matters
Light sat behind her store counter, working in her sketchbook. The bell above the door clanged. She looked up to see Twilight Sparkle cautiously walking in.
“Hello, Light.”
“Hello… you .”
“Light, I’ve come to explain myself, and hopefully preserve our friendship.”
“Gosh, Twilight, whatever are you talking about?”
Twilight lowered her head. “I know that Starlight Glimmer was exceptionally cruel to you. I can’t ask you to forgive her, but I beg you to see my reasoning behind pardoning her.”
“Oh, you think I’m still mad about that? Pfft. Water under the bridge.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow suspiciously. “Really?”
“Yeah. See, I met with Rad’s therapist, and he taught me to focus on the things I can control, not the things I can’t.”
“That’s, uh, healthy…”
“And the one thing I can control is my store. Check it out.”
She gestured to a rack behind Twilight. Twilight turned and looked. It was all new merchandise of Crepuscular Haze- the villain character Light based on Starlight Glimmer. Most of the merchandise depicted her being defeated in humiliating, sometimes cartoonishly comical, ways. Twilight looked over the display and sighed.
“Light, I can’t tell you how to run your business-”
“True.”
“But Starlight is at a very delicate juncture right now. If she sees these-”
“Oh, she will. I sent some free samples to your castle.”
“Okay, we’re not going to meet halfway on this. Are we at least still friends?”
“Of course, sweetie! In fact, I was just about to ask you to be one of my bridesmaids.”
Twilight raised an even more suspicious eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah! Here, I’m making these little gift bags for all my bridesmaids. They have fun little games so you can all get to know each other.”
Twilight took a gift bag and pulled out a notecard. It was a list of icebreaking questions. She read off it.
“‘What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had sex? Who was the hottest pony you’ve ever had sex with? What’s the longest you’ve gone without sex?’ Light, if you’re trying to humiliate me by drawing attention to my sexual inexperience…”
“Your what?”
“I’ll have you know that I am not ashamed of it, nor should anypony be. And that this is exceedingly petty of you.”
Light leaned in and grinned. “Keep reading. It gets pettier.”
Twilight flipped to the next card. It was a trivia game with questions about the bride and groom.
“‘Why did Radish choose Light Fantastic over Twilight Sparkle? Was it A: Her looks, B: Her personality, C: She doesn’t pardon supervillains, or D: All of the above.’”
Twilight sighed. “Light, you have every right to be upset. But can’t we just have a rational discussion, rather than going through all this passive-aggressive sniping?”
“No, I like the passive-aggressive sniping.”
Radish snuggled close to Light in her bed.
“Great dinner, hon,” he said.
“You always say that.”
“You always make great dinners!”
“Hey… the Purple Squirt came by the shop today.”
“Oh. Are the two of you okay?”
Light sighed. “I don’t know how to be okay with her, Radish. I don’t know how she could just flip a switch and be friends with that bitch.”
“Sometimes you have to give Twilight room to realize she’s making a mistake.”
“You think that will happen?”
“Yeah, and I think it’ll happen sooner rather than later. Ponies like Glimmer don’t change.” He put a hoof around her. “But in the meantime, I won’t let anything happen to you.”
“I like it when you hold me like this.”
“I like holding you like this.”
They kissed.
Radish slowly woke up next to Light. He felt a bit off- like he was colder than he should be. He realized that the sensation- a certain tugging in his chest- was disturbingly familiar. He lifted his head and scanned the room. Light stirred, waking up next to him.
“Mmm, mornin’,” she said.
“Hey, Fan, do you remember our second date?”
“The farmers market?”
“Yeah, that.”
“Why?”
He leaned into her ear and whispered, “Keep calm. I think there’s a changeling nearby.”
“A changeling!? ” Light yelped.
The bed rumbled. They both heard a scrabbling of chitin on wood. Then, in a flash, a black shape shot out from under the bed and latched onto the ceiling. It was indeed a changeling, and it quickly spat globs of green goo at Radish and Light, gluing them together.
“Hey!” cried Light.
The changeling dropped onto them and spewed out more goo, rapidly wrapping the two in a cocoon up to their necks.
Radish struggled. “Son of a- is that you again, you stupid flea?”
“Hello, Radish Root,” said Maxilla, grinning.
“You know her?” asked Light.
“Light, meet Maxilla,” Radish grumbled. “She’s been stalking me ever since the royal wedding.”
“Sheesh, Rad, how many admirers do you have? And you,” Light said, turning to Maxilla. “Have some self-respect. There are plenty of other guys out there.”
“Silence!” demanded Maxilla.
“You’re supposed to be in prison, in the Crystal Empire,” said Radish, trying to wriggle free.
“The Crystal Empire is now under changeling rule,” she said proudly. “My hivemates found me and released me.”
“What?”
“Chrysalis has made her move, Radish Root! Changelings have taken and replaced all the most important ponies in the land. All the royalty, and their Elements of Harmony!”
“Impossible!”
“I am here, am I not? And now I claim you as my spoils of war.”
“Hey, bug lady,” said Light, annoyed. “I don’t share Radish with the princesses, much less some chick out of a hive.”
“Look,” Radish said, addressing Maxilla, “just let Light go. She’s not part of this.”
“She is now. I felt her love for you, Radish Root. It was delicious. And when the two of you started to pair-bond last night, the output of love was overwhelming- even greater than the sum of its parts!”
Radish cringed. “You were under the bed all night!?”
“Yes. The love pouring down on me was so delicious, I could barely move!”
“Eww, Hon, we just had a threesome with a changeling,” said Light.
“No,” stated Radish. “She was not an invited participant. She was just a creep getting off on our love.”
“Like, a voyeur? A peeper? Okay, that makes me feel a lot better.”
“Whatever you call it, I want more,” said Maxilla. She pushed Radish’s and Light’s faces together. “Resume the lovemaking.”
“Nah, giant bugs vomiting slime all over me are a total mood-killer,” said Light.
“Look, Maxilla-” started Radish.
A loud buzzing passed over the townhouse. Maxilla growled, looked up, and hunched over.
“Be quiet,” she whispered. “Other changelings are on the hunt outside. If they know we are in here, they will try to fight me over you.”
“HEY, CHANGELINGS!” bellowed Light. “MAXILLA IS IN HERE! COME FIGHT HER!”
“Vexatious simpleton!” hissed Maxilla, rushing to cover Light’s mouth.
The window opened. A large green creature- quadrupedal with elaborate orange antlers- climbed inside, accompanied by a group of smaller, similar-looking creatures.
“Maxilla!” he said. “Let those ponies go!”
Maxilla startled back.
“Thorax!? Is that you? What is this ridiculous form you are taking?”
“This the true form of changelings, Maxilla. It’s a secret Chrysalis was keeping from us. This is what changelings become when we share love, not steal it!”
“You look absurd, and you speak absurdities! When the queen hears of this-”
“Chrysalis has fled, Maxilla,” said one of the smaller colorful changelings. “Her plan has been foiled, her prisoners are free, and her throne is destroyed!”
“But without the throne, we can’t defend ourselves from pony magic!”
“We don’t need to,” said another small changeling. “Ponies and changelings are friends now!”
“Impossible!”
“You can have friends, too,” said Thorax. “You can become whole, like the rest of us did. Just let these ponies go, and we’ll teach you how.”
Maxilla backed away, sneering. “These ponies are mine, and I will fight you for them.”
“But, Maxilla, you’ve already lost them,” he said, pointing to the bed.
Maxilla turned. The cocooned forms of Radish and Light burst with green fire, revealing another colorful changeling, smiling smugly. Maxilla looked around in panic.
“What have you done with them!?”
“You don’t need to feed on them anymore,” Thorax said, walking close to her. “We’ll show you.”
“You’ve always been a fool, Thorax!” Maxilla cried, rearing up. “I will find the queen myself, and we will put down this rebellion together!”
She flashed into the form of a phoenix and bolted out the window, zigzagging around the other changelings as she went. Some of the changelings in the room gave chase.
Thorax knelt and dragged Radish and Light, still cocooned, out from under the bed. He bit into and ripped open the cocoon. Light and Radish stretched out their legs.
“Thanks,” said Radish, looking over his rescuers. He didn’t feel a drain on his love. He relaxed.
“Whoa, you guys are, like, so trippy to look at. Can I draw you?” asked Light.
“Was all that true?” asked Radish. “Everypony is safe? Chrysalis has been deposed?”
“It is true!” said one of the small changelings. “The long famine is over! King Thorax here has ushered in a new era for us!”
“Oh, I didn’t do it alone,” Thorax said, smiling bashfully. “I had help from some amazing new friends!”
“Who?” asked Radish. “Members of the Guard?”
“No, I met them in Ponyville. There was Trixie, who was really clever-”
“Trixie?” asked Radish. “As in, Trixie Lulamoon?”
“-and Discord was so brave!”
“Discord!? The Discord? He actually did something helpful?”
“Yeah! But the one who really saved the day was-”
“No. Please don’t say it.”
“Starlight Glimmer! The heroine who saved two kingdoms!”
Radish took up the torn cocoon and wrapped it back around himself. He curled into a ball inside it.
“What are you doing?” asked Thorax.
“Just put me back in. I’m not dealing with this.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Barrel Roller knocked on the door of Radish’s quarters. He mumbled something resembling “Come in.” Barrel Roller came in. Radish had his head down on his desk.
“Root. You look like shit.”
“Forgive me, ma’am.”
“Everyone’s fine, Root. The princesses and AG1 are safe, and the changeling threat has almost been entirely eliminated.”
“Fan-freaking-tastic.”
She trotted up to his desk, picked up his coffee mug, and sniffed it.
“I don’t drink on the job, ma’am.”
“Yeah? You look like you just chugged a gallon of self-pity.”
“Are you here to give me a pep talk?”
“I don’t do that. No major in my guard should need cheering after all of Equestria was saved from Chrysalis.”
“No, ma’am.”
“Even if his arch-nemesis was the one who did the saving.”
“Of course not, ma’am.”
“Even if she’s getting a medal for it and he’s getting…”
She dumped a stack of papers in his inbox.
“…more work.”
He looked at them. The top form was an order to begin bucking dagger training.
“Ma’am?”
“It’s been a while since you’ve trained on a new weapon. You wanna protect princesses? You wanna be the one who saves Equestria for once? Go learn how to buck a dagger. It’s fun.”
“Aye, ma’am.”
“Just don’t put Glimmer’s face on the practice target. That’s a bad look for the Guard.”
“Ma’am, you think I’m that petty?”
“Root, Glimmer is officially a High-Value Asset now. You may be asked to guard her life with your own someday. Are you prepared to deal with that?”
“I’ll do my duty.”
“No. Let me hear a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’.”
“Yes, I’ll be prepared to deal with that.”
“Uh huh.”
Thunk. Thunk. Clang.
A bucking dagger is a short blade with an even shorter, flat-bottomed hilt. A well-trained guard could toss one in the air and kick it, sending it square in a target. Better-trained guards could toss multiple in the air and buck each one at a different enemy. Radish wasn’t that well-trained yet.
“Don’t focus on the dagger in front of you. Focus on target beyond it,” his instructor said.
Radish stared at the bullseye down the range. He bucked a dagger at it. It hit just below the outer circle.
“If that was a pony, you’d have gone right between their legs,” the instructor said.
“Well, that’s pretty intimidating for a stallion.”
“But you’re not picturing a stallion, are you?”
Radish bucked another dagger. It hit right above the outer circle.
“Oh, you got her horn.”
Radish sighed.
Luna found Radish as he was exiting the training shower room.
“Luna! I’m glad to see you’re all right.”
“Thank you, Radish. I foolishly let my guard down. But I take comfort in the fact that everypony else did, as well. We were all fools together.”
“I’m sorry. It’s the Guard’s duty to keep you safe. We failed. I failed you.”
“Do not punish yourself. I was snatched away in my private courtyard garden. Guards are not permitted inside while I’m gardening.”
“Princess, I…” Radish caught himself from finishing.
“What is it?”
He had to finish it. He had to know.
“Why didn’t you want my help!?”
“Your help?”
“You called out for Glimmer’s help through the dream world! Why didn’t you call me instead? Aren’t I your Champion? I would have dropped everything and come for you! I would have taken on the entire changeling hive!”
Luna closed her eyes and sighed.
“Radish, I couldn’t reach you. Nightmares are much easier for me to enter than pleasant dreams. Pleasant dreams resist intrusion- nightmares welcome intervention. In my weakened state, Starlight was my only option. She was having a deeply disturbing nightmare, while you… you were having very pleasant dreams.”
Radish felt an icicle stab into his heart.
“I was… I…”
“I know. You were having very pleasant dreams of murdering Starlight in the most brutal ways imaginable.”
“Because she’s a monster!”
Luna looked saddened. She drew her wings around Radish and hugged him.
“Your dreams are your own to dream. I do not judge you for them.”
“If I could have a nightmare every night so you could always reach me, I would.”
“Radish… do not wish for nightmares. They will find you readily enough.”
“Losing my princesses is the worst nightmare.”
“Then you have Starlight Glimmer to thank for ending that nightmare.”
Radish broke the hug and stepped back.
“No.”
“Radish, up until now, being my Champion was an easy task, because it did not require a conflict between your duties and your desires. Now, to be my Champion you must resolve this conflict- within yourself and with Starlight Glimmer.”
Radish looked down.
“She hurt Light. She was never punished for it.”
“I know. She never will be. There is nothing to be done.”
“Then maybe I’m not qualified to be your Champion anymore.”
Luna closed her eyes, looking pained.
“That is not a title you may set aside. I deem who is my Champion and who is not.”
“Luna…”
“I take my leave. Good day, major.”
Radish saluted her. She returned it and left.
Thunk. Thunk. Thunk.
Three bucking daggers hit the side of a practice dummy.
“Good grouping,” said the instructor. “I think you should move up to the heavier ones. Really put that earth pony strength into it.”
Radish picked up a heavier dagger. He tossed it into the air and bucked it. It cut the practice dummy in half, and both halves clattered to the floor, spilling the daggers already stuck in them. Radish smiled.
“Now, the next technique is to make contact with the dagger so that bucking it is silent. She won’t hear you fling it at her.”
“There is no ‘she’.”
“Everyone who comes into the practice range has a ‘she’ or a ‘he’. For some, it’s Chrysalis, or Discord, or Tirek. For some, it’s a grade school teacher, or an overbearing mother, or a sarcastic officer.”
The instructor brought out a new practice dummy, and set it a long distance down the range with the head facing Radish. Radish selected a heavy dagger. He bucked it at the dummy, but the dagger went wide and missed.
“Oh. Now she’ll get a spell off at you. Probably turn you into a toad.”
Radish bucked another. It stuck into the floor in front of the dummy.
“Now she’s really mad. She’s going to take it out on Light Fantastic.”
Radish bucked another. It nicked the dummy’s front hoof.
“Oh, by the way, I heard you were invited to Glimmer’s medal ceremony. Have you picked out a gift yet?”
Radish bucked another. It struck the dummy in the face, puncturing through the head and passing through the dummy’s haunches.
“How’s that feel?”
Radish watched a piece of stuffing fall out of the dummy’s face onto the floor.
“Show me that silent technique.”
Saguaro Shade reviewed field reports at his desk. There was a knock at the door.
“Come in.”
Princess Celestia entered his office and closed the door behind her.
“Your highness. What can I do you for?”
“Commander, regarding the medal ceremony in Ponyville...”
“Would you like more guards?”
“In a way. One guard in particular was invited as a guest… and quickly responded in the negative.”
“Ma’am?”
“Don’t play games, Saguaro. This is a perfect opportunity for Radish and Starlight to bury the hatchet. He should be going.”
“Oh, Root? He’s already informed me he’s using his vacation days during that date. I had no reason to deny him leave.”
“He respects you. You could have firmly encouraged him to go and make peace.”
“I wouldn’t do that to him. I like the kid.”
“You think I don’t?”
“You want him to attend a party in honor of the mare who chained his fiancee up in an attic.”
“Yes.”
“Well, he’s not. He’s going to Clopacabana to relax with his gal, like he should.”
Celestia sighed.
“Very well. There’s nothing to be done. But, commander- I’d hate to think the ponies in my life were drawing lines and picking sides between Radish and Starlight.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that around here, ma’am.”
“Thank you, commander.”
She turned to leave, then caught his meaning. She glared at him.
“Because there’s not a single pony in this palace that would side with Starlight over Radish?”
He shrugged.
“Not even the senators would split on that issue. Everyone’s got a soft spot for Root.”
“That’s a lot of social capital for one major to wield in my court.”
“The kid has won a lot of friends. So why are you pushing so hard for Glimmer to be the next?”
“Commander, everything that’s happened recently has only expanded and deepened the mystery of Radish’s cutie mark. It may actually have world-changing significance. Starlight has obsessed over cutie marks more than any other pony in history, and she has unique magic skills. She may be the only pony able to crack the case.”
“Is that why you didn’t fight Twilight over her pardon? You wanna use her to figure out what Root is?”
“Employ her, to solve the biggest mystery of his life.”
“This is an awkward do-si-do you’re callin’. The partners won’t be thrilled to learn the fiddler they’re dancin’ to.”
“If that’s your way of calling me a cold, manipulative chess master…”
“I’d never.”
“…I invited Radish to the ceremony so he, Starlight, and I could all sit down and talk this matter out like adults.”
“Well, he’ll be back next week. Maybe he’ll be more amenable to conversation with his arch-nemesis after he’s had time in the tropics.”
“I hope so. And I hope Starlight won’t be disappointed at his absence.”
Twilight Sparkle knocked on the door of Starlight Glimmer’s room.
“Come in!” called Starlight, relaxing with a novel. Twilight entered.
“Starlight, I have bad news about your medal ceremony.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m afraid Radish isn’t coming.”
Starlight chuckled. “He's still harboring a grudge, huh? He does know that I saved Equestria, right?”
“Yes, Starlight.”
“And that I saved the princess he’s so in love with, right?”
“He’s not… that’s not the point.”
“Well, I’m sure he’ll come around. Or, can’t you just order him to forgive me?”
“That’s not how it works, Starlight.”
“I know, I know. Sounds like he could use some friendship lessons, huh? Maybe he could be my pupil.”
“Let’s table this, okay? I have some things to get ready.”
“Okay, see you in a bit.”
Radish Root lay back on a beach towel with sunglasses on. The sand under him was warm and the breeze was cool. A tern squawked overhead. Light Fantastic lay next to him.
“You look happy,” she said.
“I’m on a tropical vacation with my fiancée. I never thought I’d see the day.”
“Heh, all my friends would tell me this is the ultimate cliché. They’d tell me to spend my vacation someplace foggy and mysterious, like a real artist should.”
“Yeah, they can criticize if they ever get engaged.”
“Hey, not everypony can stumble upon the love of their life in a coffee bar.”
“Aww.”
Radish took a sip from his margarita. He lay back, suppressing a chuckle. Light tipped down her sunglasses.
“Seriously, what’s so funny?”
“Okay, Twi, party cleanup is complete!” said Pinkie Pie, signing off on a clipboard and giving a carbon copy to Twilight.
“Thanks, Pinkie Pie. It was a great party.”
“No problem! And don’t you worry- I’ve got a ton of new ideas for the medal ceremony the next time Starlight saves Equestria!”
“Oh, I doubt this will be a recurring thing,” said Starlight.
“Ha! That’s what we all thought,” giggled Pinkie Pie. She put her back against her party-cleaning-up device and wheeled it out of the Castle of Friendship’s ballroom, narrowly avoiding Celestia on the way out.
“Well, girls, Luna and I should get going,” Celestia said.
“Thank you for coming, princess. And thank you for the advice,” Twilight said warmly.
Spike entered the ballroom with packages in his claws.
“Hey, look what the mailmare dropped off! Gifts from Radish, straight from Clopacabana! There’s one for me and one for you, Starlight!”
Spike opened a box addressed to him. Inside was a large bottle of dragon fruit juice.
“All right! You can’t get this stuff here!”
He popped off the cap and chugged.
“Spike,” said Twilight. “Don’t drink it all at once. You know that stuff goes right through you.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
He walked off, drinking.
“Let’s see what he got me,” said Starlight.
She used her aura to unwrap the box, folding the wrapping and setting it aside. She opened the box and pulled out a neon yellow T-shirt with “Greetings from Clopacabana” printed under a stock image of a sailboat.
“What, did he just pick out the first thing he saw at his hotel gift shop?” Starlight scoffed.
“Now, Starlight. It’s the thought that counts,” admonished Twilight. “This could be an important first step toward you two reconciling. You know how to write thank-you notes, right?”
Celestia noticed a small note in the box. She pulled it out and read it.
“Dear Starlight Glimmer. Enjoy your big day. Hope you make a splash. Sincerely, Maj. Radish Root. ”
Starlight tried the shirt on. Something struck Celestia’s nostrils, then her memory. She took a few steps back, worried.
“Well, it’s a good fit, at least. Funny smell, though. Do you think it’s my color?”
“Starlight, dear, you should always wash a new garment before wearing it,” Celestia advised.
“Oh, right. I don’t wear clothes much. Speaking of which, have you seen-”
A loud buzzing noise filled the air. A massive swarm of yellow-and-black striped insects burst through the doors and descended at Starlight.
“What the heck!?”
She threw a shield around herself, Twilight, and Celestia. The swarm blanketed it, blotting out their view in all directions.
“Why are bees attacking us!?” Starlight yelled. “Discord!”
Celestia looked at the swarm.
“I don’t think this is Discord’s doing, dear.”
“Princess, do you know what’s going on?” asked Twilight in a panic.
Celestia looked down at the T-shirt, prompting Starlight and Twilight to do the same.
“Root did this!” cried Starlight. “He laced the shirt with bee pheromones or something! That’s what the smell is!”
She pulled the shirt off, threw it at her feet, and disintegrated it. The insects still piled against the forcefield.
“Why won’t they leave?” she cried.
“The scent is soaked into your fur!” said Twilight.
“Then what do I do?”
“Starlight… I believe he gave you the answer,” said Celestia. “Make a splash.”
“You have to wash the pheromones off!” cried Twilight.
Starlight teleported away. The swarm left Twilight and Celestia and buzzed out of the room on her trail.
“Princess, I don’t-”
Starlight reappeared and put the shield back up. The swarm returned.
“Spike was in the bathroom! What now!?”
“Uh… the river is nearby!” said Twilight.
“That vindictive asshole! He plotted all this!”
She teleported out of the room, taking the shield with her. The swarm reacquired her scent and flew out the window in chase. Twilight stammered.
“I… I can’t believe he would try to murder Starlight with bees! I don’t know what to do! Princess… he’s lost himself to revenge. What if he’s too far gone to save? What if we have to put him in Tartarus?”
Celestia held up her hoof. A Windy Mountain horsefly was trying to chew it.
“They’re… harmless?” said Twilight. “So… this was just a good-natured prank! Right? Please tell me this was good-natured.”
“That’s an… optimistic interpretation, dear.”
“Princess, I’ve never had two friends with such serious issues between them. What if their differences are irreconcilable? What if I have to choose between one or the other?”
Starlight reappeared in the room, dripping wet and shivering. Her hooves were muddy. She shook a frog out of her mane, which hopped away.
“I want Root arrested!” she howled. “He tried to murder me!”
Celestia held up the horsefly. Starlight peered at it.
“Flies? What jackass sics flies on someone? You should fire him!”
“I could punish him,” said Celestia. “But we’d need hard evidence.”
Starlight looked at the pile of ashes that was her T-shirt. She clicked her tongue.
“Princess, that guy is a better villain on his vacation than I was full-time. You should be worried about him.”
“Actually, Starlight, I am worried about him. That’s why I could use your help with him.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d like you to determine the meaning of his cutie mark.”
“What!?” Starlight cried. “Me?”
“His cutie mark?” Twilight said. “Princess, I thought everypony was past that.”
“Everypony but me, it seems. I’d pay you a researcher’s fee. Will you help, Starlight?”
“I... can try?”
“That’s all I ask.”
“Do you think he would stop sending bugs my way if I found the answer?”
“It couldn’t hurt.”
Spike reentered the room.
“Hey, whoever was banging on the bathroom door, I’m done in there. Whoa, what happened in here?”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root and Barrel Roller stared at each other across her desk. They were both reluctant to get through this conversation.
“Root… there’s been an, uh, development.”
“I know. Spike sent me a heads-up. Glimmer’s coming to the palace. For a Friendship Mission ,” Radish tried to keep his tone neutral, and failed.
“Yeah, the kid smoked me a heads-up, too. She’ll be in the throne room by nine.”
“I will… acquit myself in a professional manner, as befitting of the Royal Guard,” Radish said laboriously.
“I know, but you won’t do it here. There’s a shipment of starcium going down south to Hooveston. You’re going to escort it.”
“Ma’am, if I left the palace every time someone I didn’t like visited, I’d be a pretty lousy guard.”
“If you ignored my orders to protect a highly valuable and extremely dangerous mineral shipment, you’d be a pretty fired guard.”
“I understand, ma’am. Thank you.”
“Oh, and see Chuck. This stuff is important. There’s one suit of Elite armor currently in the palace, and I want you kitted out in it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. No half-measures with starcium.”
Elite armor was made of a proprietary magic-resistant alloy and painted cerulean. It had no aesthetic visual flairs, giving a guard a severe, mechanical appearance. The areas of the body normally left exposed by standard armor- the underbelly, neck, and upper legs- were covered by chain mail of the same alloy. The helmet had a flip-down shatter-resistant visor.
The boots were knee-high. The front left boot had a retractable buckler, and the front right boot had a hidden blade in the sole. The rear two boots were given extra weight and crenulated soles for more powerful bucking.
Elite guards carried more advanced versions of the standard spear and sword. Weights would be added to Radish’s tail as an extra blunt weapon, and bucking daggers would be clipped into his mane.
Most Equestrians would never see an Elite guard in their lifetime. Elite guards did not interact with tourists. They did not watch over galas. Elites were the ponies who made sure royal interests in the kingdom were taken care of efficiently, quietly, and decidedly. While the palace’s best of the best stood sentry next to the thrones, Elites made sure no dangers approached the thrones for miles around. Radish had never dreamed he would get to be clad in Elite armor.
“Root… are you crying?”
“No, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. I’m just so happy.”
“Sheesh, Root. Let it all out before you put on the gear, okay?”
Radish Root stared at himself in a mirror at the Royal Quartermaster’s while Chuck adjusted the fit of his Elite armor.
“How’s it feel?” asked Chuck.
“Powerful.”
“This iteration has a couple of new features. The side of your left boot has a garrote wire hidden inside it. The right one has a flint striker in case you need to light a fire.”
“Is that safe around starcium?”
“Starcium can only be detonated by magic. As an ore, it needed a powerful spell to set it off. The refined ingots you’ll be carrying have a lower tolerance, but it’ll still take a concentrated amount of magic to prime them, and they’ll be in a shielded container. It loses its potency and malleability a few days after refining, so they have to start shaping it quickly.”
“Why don’t we ship it unrefined? It would be safer.”
“Before Chrysalis filled the mountain with it, starcium was so rare, no one bothered setting up facilities to refine it. Only the royal alchemists have the equipment and talent.”
“Okay. I’ll guard the stuff with my life, I promise.”
“Oh yeah, this will help you do that,” Chuck said.
He affixed a square green tag to Radish’s chestplate.
“If the starcium gets primed by magic somehow- and please do everything in your power to prevent that- this indicator will turn red, get hot, vibrate, squeak, and release a foul smell. So you’ll be alerted by at least one of those, hopefully. When it turns black, you’ve got about thirty seconds before detonation.”
“What do I do if that happens?”
“Gallop away from the starcium as fast as you can. Put some mountains between you and it. The explosion will be immense. Not even Elite armor will save you.”
“Thanks, Chuck. It won’t come to that.”
Radish pulled out the garrote wire and examined it.
“Thinking about getting that around Glimmer’s neck?” Chuck asked.
“Hey, she’s reformed,” Radish guffawed, letting the wire retract. “She’s a big hero .”
“Yeah in a pig’s eye,” snorted Chuck.
“Well, in Twilight Sparkle’s eye, at least,” laughed Radish. He tapped his hoof, and the wide blade in its sole popped out. He admired it. “Thanks for the kit, Chuck. I’ll bring it back clean.”
“Ever been to Hooveston before?”
“No. Do you know what the starcium is going to be used for there?”
“Probably a lot of things. They have a big medical center, royal research labs, a huge seaport and an airship port. Starcium is useful to all those.”
“I wonder if Chrysalis knows how much her little alchemy bomb has enriched our lives.”
“I hope she does. Good luck out there.”
“What the worst that could…” Radish started, before pausing.
“Yeah, better not jinx it.”
“No, let’s jinx it,” said Radish. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Radish signed his name to a clipboard, taking responsibility for the starcium from the palace’s supply depot. Four refined ingots were foam-packed into a magic-resistant case, which was cuffed to his foreleg and clipped to his side. He turned to see Celestia watching him.
“Major Root, I almost didn’t recognize you. That armor suits you well.”
“Thank you, your majesty. I feel like I could protect you from the whole world with this on.”
“Ah, that’s sweet. Though I can’t help but notice the timing of this mission.”
“Oh?”
“Radish, you can’t avoid Starlight Glimmer forever. I now consider her a friend. She saved my life. We all owe her a debt of gratitude.”
“I didn’t choose this mission. And to refuse orders would be insubordinate and unprofessional.”
“She’s just settled in. Won’t you at least go see her?”
“The train leaves in ten, ma’am. And this can’t be carried through the palace,” he said, nodding back to the case of starcium.
“Perhaps I could pull a few strings, see if your captain will assign somepony else. Then you and Starlight could have a nice long chat and clear the air.”
“That would be lovely. I can message the Hooveston medical center and tell them to wait longer for the shipment while we re-plan its escort. Oh wait, isn’t this stuff time-sensitive?”
Celestia raised an eyebrow.
“Major, that armor suits you. Sarcasm does not.”
“Forgive me, ma’am. I have forgotten my place.”
“Sometimes I miss the days when you were simply fawning over me.”
“That was unprofessional too, ma’am.”
“Quite right. Major, has it occurred to you or your captain that this Friendship Mission is actually about you? The map may have sent Starlight here to make amends.”
“Perhaps. But I was trained to obey my captain, not Twilight Sparkle’s poker table.”
“Radish, you are being a real pill today.”
“Ma’am, what are my orders?”
“You may go on this mission. Just know that you’ll have to deal with Starlight at some point.”
“At some point,” Radish said, gazing down at his boot and thinking about the point of the blade inside.
“Is that a new model of boot?”
“Yes. Check it out.”
He struck his hooves together to make a shower of sparks from the flint striker.
“That’s… useful. What’s that on the side?”
Radish showed her the garrote wire.
“Radish… please don’t strangle Starlight with that.”
“Really now, your highness. The very thought!”
Radish Root sat in a private car of a royal express train with the steel case at his side. He kept on alert, refusing to let his attention waver for a second.
Nothing’s going to distract me from this. Not Glimmer, not Celestia, not a kingdom’s worth of villains, monsters, or criminals.
Pinkie Pie backed into the car, balancing a long glass bottle of cola on her nose. She turned around, saw Radish, and startled back with a yelp. The bottle dropped to the floor and rolled up to Radish’s seat. He stared at it.
“Oh! Hi there!” she said.
“Son of a bitch.”
“Hey!” she shouted. “There could be kids listening.”
“Sorry.”
“That’s okay, mister.”
“Pinkie, it’s me,” said Radish, tilting his chin up so she could see his face better.
“Oh… hello there, old buddy, old pal.”
“What are you doing on a royal cargo train?”
“I really, really needed to get to Hooveston super-fast today! I went to Canterlot to buy this rare kind of spatula, but they were all sold out. But the nice clerk told me about a sale at a restaurant supply store in downtown Hooveston! I heard some guards say this train was going there, so I asked if I could use it, and they let me on! Oh, and I got soda from the dining car! Want one?”
“So, Celestia didn’t put you on this train?”
“No. Why would she do that?”
“To teach me a lesson?”
“Why would me being on this train teach you a lesson?”
“I won’t know that until I’ve learned whatever the lesson is.”
“Oh.”
An ear-splitting noise rang out. Radish looked at his starcium indicator badge in a panic, but saw it was at its normal green. He looked to Pinkie Pie, who was digging through one of her saddle bags. The noise stopped.
“Sorry! That was a… cricket that got stuck in my bag! I’ll go let it free!”
She retrieved her soda and started to walk away.
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Radish, realizing something.
Pinkie Pie stopped mid-stride, and turned to him, worriedly.
“There’s no dining car on this train.”
“Uh… I mean… I got the soda from… the castle in Canterlot!”
“I’ve never seen that brand in the palace. Let me see it.”
“Uh…”
She quickly popped the cap and gulped the soda down.
“Sorry! All gone!”
She burped.
“Okay, let me see the bottle.”
“No… I have to uh, recycle it!”
She put the bottle in her mouth and galloped away. Radish pulled a cord above his head. Another guard in standard armor entered the train.
“Lieutenant, Pinkie Pie is on this train. Could you keep an eye on her? She’s acting strange.”
The lieutenant raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, even for Pinkie Pie,” Radish sighed.
“Yes, sir.”
Radish picked up the fallen bottle cap.
“Lieutenant, have you ever seen this brand before?”
“Wow!”
“‘Wow’?”
“No, sir, I haven’t. This must be regional, or even foreign! I’ve never seen some of these symbols, or these fonts, before. And look! It has twenty-one teeth instead of the standard twenty-four!”
He felt the weight of it in his hoof.
“And this steel- so light! I wonder what the process is. I don’t recognize the paint or its application method either.”
“An enthusiast, are you?”
“I’ve collected them since I was a kid.”
“What’s your best guess where it came from?”
“Califoalnia? Things get pretty alternative there.”
“Never been. Is that a place that Pinkie Pie would like?”
“Oh, definitely. There are theme parks, movie studios, and beaches as far as the eye can see. And parties where mood-heightening substances flow freely.”
“I see. Keep the cap. And then keep an eye on Pie.”
“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.”
The lieutenant was unable to locate Pinkie Pie for the rest of the train ride, and Radish didn’t see her get off as he exited the train at Royal Supply Depot. He signed the forms relinquishing responsibility for the starcium, then uncuffed himself from the case and gave it to the Freightmaster. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“Thank you, major. We’ll handle it from here. Sorry the next royal train back north won’t be for a while.
“No problem. I don’t need to get back any time soon.”
“But isn’t Starlight Glimmer in the palace? Shouldn’t our Elites be there to protect the princesses from her?”
“What, you think an unhinged cult leader, brainwasher, terrorist, mutilator, thief, and kidnapper presents some kind of danger to the princesses? I dunno, I think I would have gotten some warning if that were the case.”
“Major, the princesses aren’t all-knowing. It’s up to the Guard to be there for them in case their decisions… don’t pan out. Whether they appreciate us or not.”
“Well, I could always blow up this depot. Then Princess Celestia would be sure to appreciate me.”
“Please don’t, sir.”
“By the way, has Pinkie Pie come through here?”
“Haven’t seen her. Why?”
“No reason. But I need to access your archives. There’s something I wanted to check.”
Radish dug through the depot’s archives of classified notices. He found the memo he was looking for. It described an event that Twilight had once written about to him in rather curt detail, as if she preferred not to elaborate on what happened. The royal version of events, however, was cobbled together from numerous eyewitness accounts of that day.
Pinkie Pie had somehow used a magic underground pond to duplicate herself. Soon the duplicates were duplicating themselves, resulting in a mob of Pinkies Pie running amok all over Ponyville. Twilight had claimed she reversed the spell and sent all the duplicates home, the wording of which never quite sat well with Radish. His attempts to learn more were met with stonewalling from Twilight.
Twilight was adamant that the remaining Pinkie Pie was the genuine article, and that there were no more duplicates running loose. Barrel Roller had said the pond itself would be sealed and put under surreptitious surveillance. The palace had put out a general notice to outposts, however, informing them of the possibility of encountering an impostor of the Elements of Laughter, and to always verify Pinkie Pie’s identity, beyond the standard anti-Changeling screening, in the case she was asking for access to sensitive information or facilities.
Radish wondered if whoever let Pinkie Pie onto a train with starcium had ever seen that notice. He wondered if anypony in Equestria remembered to check anymore.
A cadet knocked on the office door.
“Sir, the depot chief wanted me to tell you that he did end up seeing Pinkie Pie. A security bull found her in the mare’s room on the train.”
“And let her go?”
“Yes, sir. The Elements are allowed to use royal trains. And their bathrooms. She’s waiting for a cab outside now.”
“Thank you, cadet.”
Radish reached the outside just as Pinkie Pie climbed into a cab. It peeled into traffic, then stopped. Radish stood watching. Traffic in Hooveston didn’t move very far or very fast- it would have been faster for her to walk to wherever she was going.
She must have realized this, and threw the cab puller a coin, then got out and galloped down the sidewalk. Radish let her go a distance, then followed her.
Radish had a lot of training and experience tracking a creature through the wilds. He had almost none tracking a pony through a city. His Elite armor was also making him very conspicuous, though not as conspicuous as Pinkie Pie now was.
She was getting frustrated pushing through the sidewalk crowds, calling out “‘scuse me!”, “Pardon me!”, “Gang way!”, and “Move it, willya!” as she fought the tide of pedestrians. Radish had this advantage, as even the rudest city ponies stepped aside for an Elite.
After several blocks of this, Pinkie Pie made it downtown, to a street full of wholesalers. She entered a building. Radish read its sign. She was indeed going to a restaurant supply store. Radish followed her in.
He caught sight of her tail bounding down an aisle. He went one aisle over and peeked through the shelves. She was now fighting a mob clamoring over racks of spatulas. She managed to leap and grab one off the topmost peg. She cheered to herself and put it in her basket. Radish narrowed his eyes.
She wended her way through more aisles. Then, as she was rounding an endcap, Radish heard another high-pitched noise. She dove into her saddlebag again, and the noise stopped. Radish narrowed his eyes.
Pinkie Pie trotted out of the restaurant wholesaler with her saddlebags laden with newly-purchased goods. She rounded a corner and bumped into Radish.
“Oh! Pinkie Pie! I’m glad I saw you again.”
“Oh, hi…”
“I’m sorry if I scared you on the train. I have to take guard work really seriously. Everyone’s a suspect, even a friend.”
“I understand. Uh… thank you for your service!”
“No prob. Well, I’ll let you go.”
“Okay. See you around.”
She took off down the sidewalk.
“By the way,” called Radish, “how’s Sunset Shimmer doing these days?”
“Great! She just got her driver’s license, and drove us all to the… oh. Heh.”
“Let’s talk."
The Only Mark That Matters
146. The Development, Part 2
Radish and Pinkie Pie sat on a bench overlooking a duck pond. There were a few coots swimming by.
“You’re the Pinkie Pie from the human world.”
“Yeah.”
“In pony form.”
“Uh huh.”
“I didn’t know it worked that way. I guess I should have realized.”
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. It was a shock to me, too!”
“Is it weird for you?”
“Totally. But kind of fun, too.”
“A lot about your world has been classified, so I’m not really supposed to ask about it.”
“Oh?”
“But you really just came here… for a spatula?”
“And a lemon zester, and a cherry pitter, and strawberry huller, and a cookie scoop…”
“Why?”
“We’ve got a serious bake sale coming up, but the kitchen tools they have in stores back home are really flimsy. They have these cheap plastic handles that keep breaking off.”
“Really? Plastic is a premium material here.”
“Grass is always greener, huh? Pony-made tools are a lot stronger. Probably ‘cause ponies are that much stronger?”
“Interesting.”
“Am I in trouble?”
“No. Hooveston gets commerce from all over. I just didn’t think they get it from another universe. How do you have our currency, anyway?”
“I pawned some plastic water bottles from my side. Like you said, it’s premium here.”
“Then why not just convert the money into gold, and sell the gold on your side? Skip the bake sale entirely.”
“Skip the bake sale!? The bake sale is the best part! I get to hang out with my friends, make all kinds of tasty treats, and somebody always ends up getting covered in flour!”
“Ah. Do you come to our world often?”
“Not really. The others kind of frown on that. Sunset said something about upsetting the balance of reality.”
“Yeah, you might want to watch out for that.”
“Okay.”
“Well, I won’t keep you. Just stay off royal express trains, okay? They’re not safe.”
“You got it.”
They shook hooves. Pinkie started to trot away, then she turned to look at Radish. She trotted back and sat on the bench again. She rummaged through her bag, and pulled out another long glass bottle of soda.
“Here. You look like you could use a treat. These always cheer me up. They come from the only factory in Canterlot City that still uses cane sugar.”
“As opposed to what?”
“High-fructose corn syrup.”
“Corn soda sounds great, actually.”
“Heh, you ponies,” Pinkie said, shaking her head and smiling.
He took the soda and held it in his hooves. It was the same brand as the bottle cap she left on the train.
“How is it still cold?”
“It tastes better cold!”
He popped the cap and drank.
“This is good. Thanks.”
“Do you wanna talk about what’s bothering you?”
“Elite guards aren’t supposed to need pep talks.”
“Aww, everyone needs cheering from time to time. I bet Elite guards have Elite problems.”
“Do you have someone named Starlight Glimmer in your world?”
“Doesn’t ring a bell. Why?”
“Well…”
“So after all that, they just let her go?”
“Yeah.”
“And she’s at your castle now as an honored guest, just hanging out all buddy-buddy-like with the princesses you swore you’d protect from her.”
“Yeah.”
“And it’s like no one treats your feelings on the matter as valid. Like your experiences don’t count for anything. And you’re feeling scared for, and isolated from, the people you used to count on the most.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I did everything I could to stop her. I went out to those mountains for the slimmest hope of catching her. I worked to prepare facilities against her specific kind of evil. I was living in fear for my princesses, my fiancée, and my friends.”
“But it didn’t matter.”
“No, it didn’t. You know, I even spared her life by not shutting the door on her. I believed in the system that would put her on trial, find her guilty of her crimes, and punish her accordingly.”
“But that’s not what happened.”
“The system was changed on us. I don’t know if there is a system anymore. Every heinous action just gets forgiven in the name of friendship. It’s not justice, Pinkie Pie. It’s arbitrary favoritism.”
“That’s got to be frustrating for a guard.”
“It is. You know, my fiancée suggested I get out of guarding. I’m good at securing buildings. She thinks I could work for, or even run, a private security company.”
“But you don’t want to do that?”
“I’m… thinking about it. It’s kind of an exciting idea. A lot of my suggestions for the palace have been shot down over the years. If I worked for myself, I wouldn’t have to answer to superiors anymore. I wouldn’t be part of a system that lets criminals go- if the Watch catches someone, they go to jail. Maybe I could even design the trap that stops the next Glimmer. And maybe I’d make enough for… well, a nicer wedding for Fanny.”
“Your fiancée’s name is ‘Fanny’?” Pinkie Pie asked, stifling a laugh. “You know, in my world, that means-”
“Yeah, here too. She loves that. It’s short for ‘Light Fantastic.’”
“Whoa! What!? You’re engaged to Light Fantastic!? The Light Fantastic?”
“You’ve heard of her?”
“We didn’t know it was a ‘her’! On our world, Light Fantastic is this amazing anonymous guerilla artist!”
“Gorilla artist?”
“Guerilla! Like, secret and unsanctioned! They- she, I guess- creates all these wild art installations that mysteriously appear in the city overnight! No one knows who the real Light Fantastic is! I can’t believe you’re gonna marry the one here!”
“Huh. Mine doesn’t care for being anonymous, or working for free. But I bet she’d love to make something mysterious that gets everyone excited.”
Radish took a swig of cola. Pinkie Pie looked at him.
“I just realized, I don’t know your name,” she said.
“Radish Root.”
“Hmm, I don’t think your Twilight’s mentioned you.”
“Well, I won’t take offense to that. She’s usually preoccupied when she’s there.”
“Yeah, she’s crazy busy with crazy business.”
“But there’s no uh, well, me over there?”
“I know everyone at CHS. We don’t have a Radish or any Roots. But I bet wherever he is, he’s okay.”
“Is there an equivalent to the Royal Guard?”
“Uh… hall monitor?”
A high-pitched noise rang out of Pinkie Pie’s bag. She rifled through it.
“Is that a phone?” Radish asked. “Twilight’s mentioned their importance to your society.”
“Yeah. I’m not supposed to be getting reception here, but something keeps making it go off. See?”
She pulled out a small, flat pink device with a toy charm dangling from it and held it up to him. On its surface was a glowing rectangle which displayed a flashing, distorted pattern. It made Radish dizzy to look.
“So, that’s abnormal?”
“Totally. I thought someone was trying to call me, but when I answer, no one’s on the other end.”
“We don’t have non-magical wireless communication yet. There are some experiments going on in Great Bitton, but it’s very short-range.”
“So if it’s not non-magical, could it be magical?”
“I don’t know. How long has this been happening?”
“Let’s see… it started on the train. Then once in the store, and now.”
“Hmm. Those intervals weren’t regular. That might rule out any natural magical phenomenon.”
“I guess I should ask my Twilight and Sunset about this. One’s good with technology, one’s good with magic.”
“Probably a good idea.”
“Maybe it’s a warning of some kind of techno-magical disaster that will engulf both our worlds in ruin!”
“The Guard has a term for that. Tuesdays.”
“Ha! Hey, you’re funny.”
Her phone returned to normal.
“Finally! It was starting to get hot. Hey, can I get a photo with you?”
“Sure.”
She held it out in her hooves away from the two of them, then fumbled with it.
“Uh… this is kind of tricky with hooves. Oh! I know! It does voice commands! Cheese!”
The device clicked, then displayed a picture of Pinkie Pie and Radish leaning into each other.
“Nice. Ponies always photograph so well.”
“Is there a way to get a copy of that?”
“Yes, but not soon. I’ll find a way to get it to you eventually.”
“Thanks.”
“Wanna see some pics from my world?” she asked, flipping through her photographs.
“Okay, but no damaging political or military secrets.”
“Darn, I had a ton of those. Oh! Here’s the whole gang!”
She showed him the phone. Seven bipedal creatures in colorful clothing were sharing a group hug in front of a brick building.
“Wait, that’s what humans look like?”
“Yep! That’s my true form! Why?”
“From Twilight’s descriptions, I thought you’d be more like… shaved chimpanzees.”
“Nah, that’s just the wrestling team.”
She flipped to a new picture, of what looked like a formal dance. Radish peered closer. The girls were now in elegant dresses with their hair done up.
“You’re so slender. But really… rounded in some places.”
She snorted. “Thanks. But I was stuffing that night."
"Stuffing what?"
The phone belted out another squeal, and the screen flashed again.
“Ugh! This is worse than when a new app won’t stop sending you notifications! Unsubscribe already!” she yelled, shaking it.
“Wait… move it to the right again.”
She moved it to the right. The sound became flatter and the screen flashed quicker.
“The sound and pattern changes with its orientation,” noted Radish.
“Oh?”
She moved it in an arc around her body. The flashes and tone changed accordingly.
“Hey, you’re right! It’s like it’s playing Hot and Cold. That means we’re burning hot if we’re looking… that way!”
She held the phone facing south. The phone’s screen turned white and its beeping flattened into a dull tone. They looked beyond the phone at the city skyline.
A large barrel-shaped building dominated the southern view. Multiple airships were docked at its upper levels.
“What is that?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“That’s the airship port,” said Radish, warily.
“Why is my phone going nuts at it?”
Radish walked a few feet toward the building, peering at its air traffic.
“Maybe it really is magic that's messing with your phone. And this reminds me of the magic map Twilight has. It sends her and her friends to locations all around Equestria.”
“What for?”
“She calls them ‘Friendship Missions’. You go to the place, look around for ponies not getting along, then… I dunno, make them friends, I guess.”
“You think that magic map called up my phone and wants us to go to that airport?”
Radish looked at the building, then down at his armor.
“It doesn’t matter. I don’t do friendship missions, and I don't take orders from maps. I have to take the next train back north, not go running through the airship port looking for ponies not getting along- which, in an airport, would be all of them.”
He looked at his starcium warning badge.
“Although…”
“Although?”
“That port is getting some of the starcium I delivered today. It’s a very rare and dangerous material. Airships use it in cooling systems, but in the wrong hooves, it could destroy that entire building.”
“Yikes. This world is more edgy than I thought. We should go check it out.”
“I don’t have any justification to go there. I can’t just tell Barrel Roller I missed the train because a device from another universe beeped.”
“I’m like a foreign diplomat, right? So if I wanted to poke around that building, and I requested you as my guard, you’d have to come, right?”
“We probably should keep your human-ness on the down low. Local authorities don’t really know about that stuff. Classified, remember?”
“Oh. But the pony Pinkie Pie is a VIP here too, isn’t she? If she wanted to investigate something, she could, right?”
“I guess.”
“And she can ask for a guard escort too, right?”
“She can and she has. One time she requested an escort to a bingo tournament. It was surprisingly necessary.”
“Then let’s go!”
“Well, Celestia hates loopholes.”
“Oh…”
“But, like I said, I may not be working for her much longer.”
He stood up and saluted Pinkie Pie.
“Miss Pie, I am at your service.”
“Great! We’re going to check out that airport for suspicious activity!”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And then we’ll check out this tater tot stand I saw on the way here.”
“Ah… why not?”
“And then go hit a roller rink!”
“Okay.”
“And then-”
“Very good, madam. Let’s move out.”
Radish and Pinkie Pie made their way into the building and looked around. Pinkie gazed at a wall of destination advertisements.
“Wow, airships! So cool!”
“Don’t you have flying vehicles in your world?”
“Yeah, but they’re just big white tubes. Yours are like, steampunky dirigibles! You should enjoy this kind of air travel while it lasts, before you start having to pay forty bucks for more leg room. Also, what’s the deal with airline food?”
“I, uh, don’t know?”
“Me neither!”
Pinkie looked at her phone.
“Nothing setting it off now. No bars, either.”
“No, there’s a bar here,” Radish replied. He pointed to a cocktail lounge up against some wall-to-floor windows.
“That’s not what…”
She looked back at her adult pony body.
“Forget the tater tots. Let’s hit some bars after this.”
“Sure.”
“See anything that sets off your Elite guard instincts?”
“I’m not even sure what we’re looking for. So, let’s go straight to the top. We’ll see the pony in charge, ask about the security arrangements for the starcium.”
The pony in charge was a copper pegasus named Flap Drag. Radish and Pinkie met her in her office. She had bags under her bloodshot eyes and her ear twitched as she spoke.
“You’re worried about the starcium? I’m worried about the starcium! You know what that ingot could do if the work team isn’t careful?”
“That’s why we’re conducting this surprise, but routine, safety inspection,” Radish replied.
“But you?” she asked, turning to Pinkie Pie. “I didn’t know this was something the Elements of Harmony did.”
“Oh, yeah. All the time. Starcium is an Element, after all!” she said.
“No, it’s not. It’s a concretion of highly reactive minerals in magic quantum suspension.”
“Excellent!” said Radish. “You just passed our first little test.”
“Oh? Okay. Well, I’ll show you the metal shop where they’re shaping it.”
“Great, and-”
An alarm blared out. Flap Drag gasped. A pony in a security uniform stuck her head through the door.
“There’s been an accident in the metal shop! It’s in lockdown! We can’t reach anyone inside it!”
“Oh, son of a bitch,” Radish said.
“Yeah, son of a bitch!” agreed Pinkie Pie.
Radish galloped down the halls of the building against a flood of ponies evacuating the building. The klaxons blared all around him, and red warning lights flashed across the walls. He checked his indicator badge. It was still normal. He noticed Pinkie galloping alongside him.
“You need to get out of here! I can’t have you die on my watch!”
“Oh, no! I got you into this mess, I’m going to see you through this mess!”
“But-”
“No buts! Now, where are we going?”
“The sub-basement!” yelled out Flap Drag, flying over them. “This way!”
They clambered down flights of cement stairs and reached a dingy hallway lined with doors. Huddled around one of the doors was a team of technicians and security guards. The thick glass window of the door was clouded with green gas.
“What happened?” asked Flap Drag.
“We don’t know! Somehow the room filled up with this gas! It must be a sleeping agent! Everyone inside looks unconscious!”
Radish peered inside. Ponies in work uniforms were inside, laying on the floor, but breathing. The green gas hung throughout the room like fog.
“What about the starcium?” Radish asked.
“They were about to start shaping it,” replied a technician. “It should still be in there.”
“Doubt it,” said Radish. “Is there any other way in or out of the room? No matter how small or unlikely? Pipes, sewers, vents?”
“There’s a dumbwaiter. But it has a weight limit. It trips and locks if anything heavy as a pony tries to use it.”
“Which floors does it reach?”
“Cargo, Maintenance, Delivery, and the Kitchens.”
“Kitchens? Why? They don’t allow food in metal shop!” said Pinkie Pie.
“They need a lot of ice in there. The kitchens send it down,” said Flap Drag.
“And is that the least guarded of those four floors?” Radish asked.
“Yes. The chefs hate security hanging around in the kitchens.”
“Then that’s where the starcium was sent to. Have your guards isolate that level, lock down the exits, and search any stragglers. Miss Pie and I will check out the kitchen.”
The kitchen had been fully evacuated by the time Radish and Pinkie Pie reached it. They found the dumbwaiter, stopped and open to the kitchen.
“You think this was a heist? Someone used the dumbwaiter to deliver knockout gas from here?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Maybe,” said Radish.
“But how did they get the starcium?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“Either they had a partner working these controls, or they hit the button and climbed inside it before it started to move,” Radish said, looking at the control panel.
“But she said it has a weight limit. How could a thief ride the dumbwaiter without overloading it? Did a child pony do this?”
“A child criminal?” scoffed Radish.
“Yeah, maybe not,” she said.
“They might have had help from an animal.”
“Right- ponies can, like, talk to animals.”
“That’s not exactly how it works, but yeah, ponies- especially earth ponies- can establish rapports with a wide variety of critters. But this animal would need to be dexterous enough to nab the starcium, light enough to not trip the dumbwaiter’s weight limit, and immune to whatever knockout gas that is.”
“Sloths can hold their breath for a long time!”
“Would you plan a heist around a sloth?”
“Uh, maybe they put a monkey in a gas mask!”
“That’s… shockingly plausible, and it would look terrifying. But whatever it was, we need to find where it went.”
“Well, all kitchens need to get deliveries. And get rid of trash.”
Radish looked around.
“You’re right. That’s a trash chute,” he said, pointing to a hatch on the wall, “and that door leads to a delivery hangar,” he said, pointing to double swinging doors.
“Okay! I’ll go into the garbage chute, flyboy, while you check out the hangar!”
“Wait, Pinkie!”
Pinkie Pie opened the garbage chute and threw herself down. Radish sighed, and ran down the hall to the delivery hangar.
He burst into the hangar. The hangar shutter was wide open, and a small airship with a food delivery company logo was taking off. Radish looked around for the personnel on duty and saw none.
A lone figure fell off the ceiling onto the ship’s deck. It turned its head to look at Radish.
It was a monkey in a gas mask.
In one hand, it gripped a large kitchen knife. In the other, it held a blue-speckled black ingot of starcium. Radish could only stare, stunned. It made a hiss under its mask, and disappeared into the ship.
Radish galloped toward the hangar’s emergency controls and slammed the button for shutting the door. Nothing happened. He looked down, and saw its wires had been slashed.
The ship was almost fully out of the hangar. The updrafts against the building were clattering the rigging on its sides. Radish hurled himself at the rigging, just as the ship slipped out of the hangar. He dangled over the long drop to the streets below, regretting.
He climbed up onto the ship’s deck, then drew his spear and stalked after his prey. He wasn’t worried about Pinkie Pie being left behind- he knew all he’d have to do was turn around, and she’d somehow be standing right behind him. He turned around. She wasn’t there. He backed around a corner of the superstructure. She wasn’t there.
“Radish!”
He looked over the side of the craft. She was on the ground, covered in garbage, hopping and waving. Radish sighed, and threw down a rope ladder for her. As Radish helped her climb onto the deck, her eyes went wide and she pointed behind Radish.
“Look out! Monkey in a gas mask!”
Radish turned his head and bucked. His rear hooves met the monkey mid-air as it leapt at him, sending it flying. It grabbed some of the rigging, and flung itself right back at them.
Radish swatted it with his tail weights. It took the hit, then skidded to the deck. It held up the knife and growled.
“You were right. That is terrifying,” said Pinkie Pie.
Radish extended his buckler and held it up alongside his spear. He brandished them between himself and the creature. Then, he noticed the monkey didn’t have the ingot.
“Pinkie! You find the starcium! I’ll deal with this thing!”
“What’s it look like?”
“A blueberry chocolate bar!”
“You don’t have to put everything in candy terms with me, you know?”
“Just find it!”
“On it!”
She charged off. The monkey turned to follow her, but stopped in its tracks as Radish kicked a bucking dagger into the deck before its feet. It looked at Radish.
Radish wasn’t sure if monkeys smile. He couldn’t tell if it was now smiling at him under its mask. But it pulled the bucking dagger out of the floor, and held it up in its other hand. It tapped its two knives together to taunt him.
Great. I gave it another weapon. Real Elite tactics, Radish.
The two circled each other. Pinkie Pie stuck her head out of a porthole and waved the ingot of starcium.
“Found it! It tried to hide it in a stack of blueberry chocolate bars!”
The monkey turned and ran to the port hole. Pinkie Pie yelped and tried to duck back in, but banged her head on the edge of the hole. While she dizzily shook her head, the monkey reached the wall and climbed it toward her. Radish chucked his spear at it.
It caught the spear with its tail. It turned its head, and Radish knew it was making a mocking face at him under the mask. Pinkie Pie looked down.
“Stop arming him!”
The monkey continued to climb toward Pinkie. She ducked back in and shut the porthole. The monkey, unable to open it, continued to climb to the top of the housing and disappeared.
Radish ran inside. He found Pinkie Pie running toward him down a corridor. The ingot was in her mouth, and she shouted something he couldn’t understand.
The monkey was barreling toward them with all three weapons. Radish pulled out his sword.
“Do not give that to him!” Pinkie Pie warned, huddling behind him.
“Go! Lock yourself somewhere safe!”
The monkey threw its dagger. Radish blocked it with his buckler. It lashed out at him with the spear in its tail like a scorpion. He knocked it away with his sword. It hurled the kitchen knife, and Radish deflected it with his boot.
Radish shook the rest of his bucking daggers out of his mane, then bucked them all at the monkey in rapid fire. It dodged and weaved, using Radish’s spear as extra support. It accidentally tripped the retraction mechanism on the spear, causing it to collapse into its portable form. The monkey fell with it, giving Radish the chance to leap before it and buck it hard.
It went tumbling down the hall. Radish pursued it, and it sprung on Radish’s face in a fury. He nodded his visor closed as it latched onto Radish’s head, pulling his ears and mane while beating his helmet.
He lowered his head and galloped, scraping it across the walls of the corridor. It leapt onto his back and wrapped its limbs around his throat. Radish rolled onto his back to get it off, but it furiously jumped up and down on his chainmail-covered belly. Radish flicked out his boot blade and buckler, attempting to stab or bash it off, but it dodged Radish’s hooves.
“Radish!” called Pinkie Pie.
“What?”
“Duck!”
Pinkie Pie leapt into the fray, tackling the monkey and whacking its head with a spatula. It screeched at her and wrapped its tail around her neck. She gasped.
Radish got his garrote wire around the monkey’s neck and pulled it off her. It howled, then went silent as it flailed. Radish put his weight on its back and continued to pull. It stopped flailing. Radish continued to pull.
Pinkie Pie looked up. She was on the verge of tears.
“Radish… please don’t make me watch a pony strangle a monkey to death. No bake sale is worth that.”
Radish felt his hooves relax. The wire retracted back into his boot, and the monkey fell to the ground. Radish flipped up his visor. He took off the creature’s gas mask and took its pulse.
“It’ll live. Sorry. Thanks.”
Pinkie Pie stood next to him and looked at the monkey.
“Is it like, a famous wanted criminal monkey here?”
“No.”
“Is there like, a famous monkey trainer who is now at the top of your suspect list?”
“No.”
“Can we get off this ship now?”
“Do you have the starcium?”
“Yep!”
She pulled the ingot out of her hair and gazed into it.
“So this is what a concretion of highly reactive minerals in magical quantum suspension looks like. Neat.”
She passed it to Radish, who tucked it into his armor under his chestplate.
“Let’s see who’s flying this tub.”
Radish reacquired his weapons and slung the monkey on his back. He trotted into the small pilothouse with Pinkie Pie. A thin blue unicorn mare was at the helm.
“Whoa! Hey there, soldier! Wasn’t expecting passengers on this milk run. Or did somepony send me a kissogram?” she said with a wink.
“Ponies do kissograms?” Pinkie Pie mused.
“I need to see your ID,” Radish said, plainly.
“I swear, I’m old enough to drive,” the pilot laughed.
“Your ID,” Radish sighed.
She showed him her badge. He compared it to a framed picture of her pilot’s license on the wall behind her.
“Been making deliveries to the port for two years, huh? You didn’t notice a monkey, an Elite guard, and the Element of Laughter climbing onto your ship as you took off?”
“The port air traffic is nuts. I have to focus on what’s in front of me, not what I just left behind. That’s a good lesson for life, too, you know.”
“And you didn’t hear us fighting across the deck?”
“Sorry, chief. This cabin’s soundproof. Has to be, otherwise the engine sound would drive me bonkers.”
“And you didn’t notice the evacuation alarm in the port as you left?”
“I sure did! That’s why I took off! Good thing I made my delivery before I had to evacuate. Why, what was the emergency?”
“Never mind that. We chased a thief onto your ship,” Radish said, nodding back to the monkey on his back, “and I need you to turn around so we can deliver it to the authorities and return what he stole.”
“Oh! A monkey robber? What did he steal, a banana?”
“Do you mind? It’s been a long day.”
“And monkeys don’t really eat bananas,” said Pinkie Pie.
“My mistake!” said the pilot. “Alrighty, lemme just make a nice easy turn, and we’ll get that bad ol’ monkey and his hot goods back into port.”
“Thank you.”
“By the way, was he on the rigging? The control feels a little mushy, and I’m worried some of the ropes have been weakened.”
“Yeah, he swung on the ropes. With a knife.”
“Could you look them over? We don’t want to lose control in the port.”
“Fine,” sighed Radish.
He stepped back onto the deck. Pinkie Pie followed him.
“I don’t trust that pilot,” she whispered. “I know cheerful, and that was a very fake, nervous kind of cheerful.”
“Her ID checked out.”
“Uh, duh? You don’t think someone planning a heist would fake an ID? Some kids back at Canterlot High have fake IDs.”
“Well, she had a point about the rigging. A monkey with a knife should not be on these ropes.”
Radish examined them.
“But they look fine.”
“Good!” said the pilot, standing at the door to the pilothouse. “Load off my mind!”
“Hey! Who’s flying this thing?” yelled Pinkie Pie.
“Miss, what are you doing out here?” asked Radish, reaching for his sword.
“This!”
She threw her telekinetic aura around Pinkie Pie and Radish. Pinkie Pie went flying into the air, dangling over the side of the ship. Radish, in his magic-resistant armor, was far more difficult to lift, and only rose a bit off the deck.
“Hey! Stop that!” he howled.
The pilot strained, increasing the power to her aura around Radish. It glowed bright and hot on him, compressing him from all sides.
“Damn fool! I’m carrying the starcium!” he shouted hoarsely through his constricted throat.
“The what?” she asked.
“What was stolen! Magic makes it explode!”
She gasped and dropped them both. Radish fell to his feet, while Pinkie Pie plunged into nothing, screaming and flailing her legs.
“Pinkie Pie!” Radish shouted.
He leapt to catch her. He grabbed her hoof as she fell past him.
“Hang on!”
“I don’t know how to hang onto a hoof with a hoof!” she cried.
“Just squeeze every muscle in it!”
She slipped out of his grip, and made a desperate chomp at Radish with her mouth. She bit down onto the tiny nub at the end of his boot’s garrote wire, yanking it out. She dangled by her teeth from the short length of the wire, panic in her eyes. Radish strained to pull himself back up.
“Hey!” Radish called to the unicorn. “You better pull us up!”
He heard a clatter on the deck behind him. The unicorn was hastily putting on a parachute.
“Hey!”
“Bye!” she yelled.
She leapt overboard and deployed her chute.
“Son of a bitch!”
“Yeh! Thunova bith!” agreed Pinkie Pie through her teeth.
Radish swung Pinkie Pie back and forth, and she grabbed the rail and pulled herself onto the deck. Radish fell onto this back, breathing hard.
“Wow,” gasped Pinkie Pie. “Your world is nuts.”
“Yeah.”
They heard a squeal.
“Is that my phone again?” Pinkie asked.
Radish looked down at his starcium warning tag.
“It’s me.”
The tag was red. It was getting hot. It was starting to stink. He pulled out the starcium. It was shaking and glowing. He inhaled sharply.
“Okay. There are parachutes on that wall. You put one on.”
“What’s wrong?”
“This starcium’s going to blow. We’re right over the medical center, so I can’t throw it overboard. Nothing on the ship can contain it. I’ll get the ship as high and as far away as possible.”
“You can’t! You’ll blow up!”
“I’ll be fine. I’m in Elite armor.”
He picked up the starcium and ran back into the pilothouse. The ingot was getting hot. He placed it on the helm.
He spun the wheel, pointing the ship toward the sea, opened up the throttle, then pulled back on the yoke. The ship ascended sharply and sped up. Pinkie Pie ran in to join him.
“I’m not leaving you! Either we leave together, or go boom together.”
Radish could tell she was serious. He checked the altimeter.
“Okay. We should be high enough. Let’s go.”
He picked up the monkey. They galloped.
They reached a rack of parachutes hooked onto the wall on the side of the ship. Radish buckled the monkey in one and sent it overboard, pulling its ripcord. Pinkie Pie struggled to put hers on.
“I, uh, don’t know how it goes on a pony,” she admitted.
Radish fixed her straps. He made sure they were cinched tightly.
“Okay, you’re good.”
“Now you put on one.”
“Goodbye, Pinkie Pie. Good luck with the bake sale.”
He tugged her ripcord and bucked her off the deck. Her parachute unfurled and dragged her into the sky while she howled in protest. He turned and ran back to the bridge. The ship was leveling off and the winds outside the ship were blowing it off-course. He corrected the heading.
Can’t let go of the wheel. I have to stay here. This is it.
He noticed a public address console at the helm. He turned it on and spoke into the mic.
“The ship is about to blow. If anyone else is onboard, get off now. If you had a part in this heist, it failed. And if you go after any other starcium, you’ll fail at that, too. Every guard would give their life to keep it from falling into the wrong hooves.”
“Maybe so, Radish Root,” he heard a voice say. He turned to see a male pegasus, clad in all black except for his white wings, standing at the door to the deck. He wore dark goggles that obscured his eyes. “But you can’t die today. There are plans in the works.”
“Who the heck are you?”
“I ain’t the Coast Guard. But you wanna live? I’m your only chance. Give me the starcium. And I’ll take that, too,” he said, pointing to Radish’s indicator tag. It was vibrating so hard it was clattering against his breastplate. Its stench was incredibly foul, and it whined like a tea kettle. Its red face turned black.
“Yeah, no thanks. I’m not giving you- hey!”
The pegasus flew over him and grabbed at the starcium ingot. It burned his hooves, making him recoil. The heat it was producing was starting to fuse it into the metal casing of the helm controls.
“Ow! Damn!”
“Whoever you are-”
“New plan!”
He flew out of the cabin, then back in through the other side door with a parachute in his hooves. He collided with Radish at high speed, flying him out of the cabin. He shoved the parachute in Radish’s hooves, snatched his tag and threw him overboard.
Radish needed a second to process what was happening to him. In a panic, he put the parachute on, secured its straps, then pulled the cord.
The parachute deployed, yanking him with a jolt. Radish looked up to see the airship. It continued to rise and correct its course to open sea. Radish ran the countdown in his mind.
Three… two…. one…
Radish averted his eyes as the ship exploded in a glorious burst of iridescent light. The shockwave shook him as he dangled. Flaming debris landed on his parachute, spreading smoldering holes spread across its canopy.
“Son of a bitch.”
He plummeted.
He shut his face visor, then assumed the safety position for falling into water. He was over the Hooveston harbor now, part of a large body of water known as the Gulf of Mexicolt, but there was no surviving it from this height.
“Radish! You jerk!” he heard Pinkie Pie yell.
Something slammed into him from the side, and he felt hooves grab him under his armpits. Pinkie Pie gripped him with all four legs and her tail.
“And you’re heavy, too!”
He looked up. She was holding him, and her parachute was holding her. The two dangled like a dandelion seed in the wind.
“I can’t believe you! I said we would get through this mess together!”
“I’m a guard, Pinkie. I'm supposed to protect others. Even if it means dying to do it.”
“Oh, yeah? Did you think how much it would hurt me to see you blown up? You should’ve protected me from that!”
“Sorry.”
Gobs of flaming debris rained down. Most of it had passed them now. He looked down. No boats were below them.
“But I think we did it,” he said.
Pinkie Pie looked at the debris.
“What is this stuff?” she asked.
Radish held out his sword and caught some. He sniffed at it.
“Airline food.”
Pinkie Pie snorted and giggled. Radish let it drop off his sword and joined her in laughter.
The pegasus in black hovered down in front of them.
“Laugh it up. You two cost me big today,” he sighed.
“Who are you?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“A very disappointed pony. That heist took weeks of planning.”
“You employed a monkey,” said Radish.
“You employed a Pinkie Pie. Which is worse?”
“Hey!” she yelled.
“What did you want the starcium for?” Radish asked.
“Oh, it has a million uses.”
“One of which we just saw,” Radish said.
“There are cheaper ways to blow something up. That starcium was meant for something constructive.”
“Then you should’ve joined a line of work that gets it requisitioned legally.”
“I suppose you were following all the rules when you barged into the airport under false pretenses?”
“I wasn’t breaking any laws.”
“Yeah? Sounds like you get to do whatever you want without consequences. Just. Like. Starlight. Glimmer.”
Radish narrowed his eyes at the pegasus. The pegasus looked up at Pinkie Pie’s parachute.
“If you’re going to kill us-” Radish warned.
“I literally just saved your life.”
“Got plans for me, huh?”
“Yep."
"What are they?"
"Telling you the plan isn't in the plan."
“Did you plan for this?”
Radish struck the flint striker on his heel, sending a shower of sparks over the pegasus. The pegasus shielded his face, and a few sparks landed on his black outfit. More than one sizzle began to spread into burning holes across his clothes.
“Oh, you vindictive asshole!” he yelled, trying to pat out the fire.
He dove away toward the water.
“Wow, I guess he didn’t plan for that,” laughed Pinkie Pie. “You know, ponies cuss so much more than I was expecting.”
“Well, it’s not all rainbows and cupcakes over here.”
“Yeah, but it’s still a fun place to visit.”
Radish noticed they were quickly approaching the water. He started to unclasp his armor’s straps.
“What are you doing?” Pinkie asked.
“I’ll drown in this armor. I have to drop it. They’ll probably never trust me in Elite gear again… but like I said, I may not be a guard for much longer.”
“That’d be a shame. You foiled a heist! You saved me, a monkey, and whoever else that ship could have blown up. And you saved my bake sale! I’d like to see a security consultant do all that.”
“Thanks. But I still have to lose the armor.”
“Maybe not. Look!”
A dozen pegasi in orange reflective jumpsuits were speeding toward them. They encircled Radish and Pinkie Pie, then spread a net taut under them. Radish and Pinkie Pie fell gracefully into it.
“Who are they?” asked Pinkie Pie.
“The Coast Guard,” answered Radish.
They breathed a sigh of relief. Their parachute fell onto them like a blanket, blocking out the rest of the world.
“You know,” said Pinkie Pie, snuggling up to Radish, “if this were a spy movie, this would be the part at the end where the hero and the girl start making out.”
“Uh…”
“Just kidding!” she said, punching his shoulder.
“Oh. Good one.”
Radish Root and Pinkie Pie sat on a bench in a dim hallway of a royal administration building in downtown Hooveston. Radish flicked out his buckler. It still worked perfectly, despite a day of action. He smiled at Equestrian royal craftsponyship. He turned to his companion.
“Hey, you should make yourself scarce. There’s going to be a lot of questions about what we were doing.”
“I said, we’re getting through this mess together.”
“We got through the mess. The rest is just paperwork. I can handle that on my own. And you’ve got that bake sale, right?”
“Yeah. The proceeds are going to the next class trip.”
“That sounds important. You’d better skedaddle back to the portal.”
“You promise you’ll be okay?”
“I will be.”
“And I don’t just mean the paperwork. Look, I can’t tell you how you should feel about Starlight Glimmer, or about staying in the Guard, or anything else. But I can tell you... thank you. Thank you for indulging me, escorting me, trusting me, and saving me.”
“Then I should say thank you. For all the same things.”
They hugged. Pinkie Pie checked her bags.
“Got everything I came for. My phone needs charging now. But here, take this for the road.”
She gave him another soda.
“Thanks. Take this, for a civilian train back up north.”
He gave her some bits.
“Thanks. Adios, pardner.”
“Happy trails.”
She trotted down the hall, to a stairwell, then giving one last nod, left.
A cadet approached Radish.
“Did Miss Pie leave?”
“Yes. She has something important to do.”
“Oh. Well, the colonel can’t talk to you now. She said to put you up in a hotel for the night.”
“Oh, nice.”
“Actually, it’s not.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Potion Nova heard a familiar set of hoofsteps approaching her office and braced herself. Radish Root swung open her door.
“Major, to what do I owe the pleasure?” she asked, straining to smile.
“I had a few more thoughts about the starcium heists.”
“Oh. Again?”
“I know, we’ve been over it a lot, but look-”
He put an old tome down on her desk with the pages opened to a three hundred-year-old recipe for a never-ending fire potion.
“You could set all of Canterlot on fire with this, and the fire would never end.”
“Major, that potion was a hoax. Nopony ever made one that worked.”
“What if you replaced this ingredient- transuranic copper- with starcium?”
“Uh… probably nothing?”
“Could you try it?”
“Major, no. I’d have to clear an experiment like that with the Greater Equestria Potions Board, and the High-Energy Reactions Commission, and I’d have to give them both a good reason for doing it. And they both will probably say no unless the other says yes. Kind of a paradox, huh?”
“If the starcium thieves can make never-ending fire potion, we have to know.”
Potion Nova sighed.
“I’ll put in the paperwork, but I really think you’re barking up the wrong tree with this.”
“Thank you, Po No. Wait… tree? If you injected the Tree of Harmony with starcium, could it produce replicas of the Elements of Harmony? Or maybe evil versions, like Elements of Disharmony?”
“Twilight’s the one who knows about the Tree. You should ask her that.”
“I’d rather not.”
“Are you two still at odds?”
“We’re not at odds. I’m giving her space to realize what a terrible mistake she’s making with Glimmer.”
“Don’t punish Twilight for being Twilight.”
“Oh, nopony gets punished these days. Everypony just gets a nice fat pardon no matter what.”
“Radish, pouting isn’t very guard-like.”
“Got any anti-pout potion?”
“Yes, but it’s prescription-only.”
“You write prescriptions, don’t you?”
“Ah, major, I thought I’d find you here,” said Princess Celestia, entering the office. “Come with me. I have a new assignment for you.”
“New assignment? But I’m not done with-”
Celestia had already left.
“You’d better see what she wants,” said Potion Nova.
“Keep the book,” said Radish. He caught up to Celestia in the main commons.
“Major, you must stop pestering palace staff with your wild hypothesizing.”
“I’m simply trying to exhaust all possibilities to ensure the safety of my princesses.”
“What you are exhausting is everyone’s patience. That’s why I’m taking you off the case.”
“What!? It’s my case!”
“No, it’s not. There are many working to recover the starcium. You’ve done more than your share investigating this, and have provided us with excellent leads. But now you’re chasing scattershot ideas and interrupting everypony else’s work. It’s time to let others take over with fresh eyes and clear heads.”
“I delivered that starcium right into enemy hooves! It’s my duty to get it back!”
“You did not, and it is not. The entire supply chain was outmaneuvered by a clever enemy. Your duty now lies elsewhere.”
“Princess!”
“Don’t ‘princess’ me, major!”
Radish hung his head.
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
“I accept your apology. I appreciate how much you care about this, but now I have something else for you to care about.”
“What’s my new assignment?”
“Prince Blueblood has asked for you personally as his bodyguard for the next few days.”
“Me? He doesn’t like me.”
“I believe your recent press has elevated you in his estimation.”
“Hmm. Great. Will he be coming here, or am I going to his villa?”
“Neither. You’re accompanying him to Mote Island. For a party. A music festival.”
“Princess?”
“As my nephew, he is allowed use of my guards, major. I could deny him… but he’s family.”
“How are you related, again?”
“It’s complicated. But it’s legitimate.”
“And you’re sure he asked for me, specifically?”
“Radish, it’s a yacht cruise to a tropical island festival. Most guards dream of such an assignment.”
“It’s just… he’s a bit impulsive. And self-centered. And immature.”
“Perhaps your finer qualities will rub off on him.”
“I can’t promise that, but I swear I’ll do my best to protect him.”
“Thank you, Radish. Oh, and one other thing- the prince has requested Philomena come along as well.”
“Your phoenix? Why?”
“They’re quite fond of each other. I have no objection to her getting out of the palace- she should enjoy the island. But be cautious around her. She’s been in a mood lately.”
“All right. Do I get Elite armor on this?”
“Metal armor isn’t recommended for a boat. See Chandler, he has a few things for you.”
“Oh, new gadgets? That sounds fun.”
“Next time I’ll just open with that.”
Radish met the Quartermaster in his workshop. It was particularly busy, and numerous technicians were working on a variety of weapons parts and armor pieces.
“So, Celestia says you have some stuff for me?”
“Yep. This isn’t the first time BB has wanted guard escorts on cruises. The challenge is to outfit the guard with weaponry and armor that is surreptitious, effective, and nautically appropriate.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
He took Radish over to a dummy. It was covered in an overcoat of a thick matte beige material.
“This silk caparison has a layer of chainmail made from lacquered quebracho. That’s the hardest wood we can work with. It won’t overheat you in the tropical climate of Mote Island, and it should double as a floatation device if you fall off the yacht… which happens to Blueblood’s guards a lot. Remember to maintain three points of contact to the boat at all times.”
“What about my weapons?”
He held up a short stick on a strap.
“This is a retractable baton. It straps to your wrist, to be concealed by your sleeve. Just flick it out and you’re good to go.”
“It’s wood, too?”
“Yep.”
“I was armed to the teeth for the starcium escort, and needed every last weapon. Now they want me guarding royals with a stick? Why?”
“Three reasons. One, Mote Island is griffon territory, and they don’t want ponies armed with lethal weapons visiting. Two, there’s a lot of heavy drinking and substance use on BB’s yacht and at the festival, so the fewer dangerous things he and his guests can get his hooves on, the better. And three, uh…”
He looked around, and motioned for Radish to come into whisper distance.
“Everyone in the palace thinks you’re a bit high-strung these days. PC and PL would like you to be a little less lethal for the time being.”
“Oh! Great! The princesses want their guards to be less lethal. Why don’t they just get grade schoolers to stand next to the thrones?”
“Major, there is one thing I can do. Check this out.”
He pulled a shoebox off a shelf, and took out a single left boot.
“This is our prototype sleep dart blowgun.”
“Oh! You made it already?”
“Yep. Put your lips here and blow. Try it.”
Radish put on the boot, and blew into a hole in the side. A short red dart flew out and hit the wall.
“That would knock out most large ungulates. But, uh… don’t let BB use the darts… recreationally.”
“Sheesh.”
Radish entered the Royal Aviary, a massive open-air sanctuary with ornate gates. The Royal Petkeeper met him on the other side.
“Major! Right this way.”
She led him to a grove of trees.
“Philomena, dear? Your escort has arrived.”
A warbling squawk emanated from branches above. It sounded vaguely questioning. The Petkeeper looked Radish up and down. She craned her head to look at his backside.
“Oh, I’d say so!”
Like a flaming dart, a streamlined red phoenix shot out of the trees and landed on the Petkeeper’s outstretched hoof. The bird cocked her angular head at Radish, and squawked angrily.
“No? Oh, well. Major, allow me to introduce Philomena. Philomena, Major Radish Root.”
Radish took off his helmet and bowed for Philomena.
“Good day, miss. I am ready to escort you to Prince Blueblood’s yacht, and then onto Mote Island.”
Philomena leaned over and whispered something to the Petkeeper. The Petkeeper frowned, then whispered something back.
“Is everything okay?” asked Radish.
“She’s wondering about your… ability as a guard.”
Radish took out his Guard ID badge. It had stamps for his training certifications, and the flipside listed his awards.
“I’m certified for hoof-to-hoof, spears, swords, shields, and bucking daggers. I have three Iron Barding awards, two Lunar Defender ribbons, and five Mauve Hearts. In my previous service to the Plains Rangers, I was awarded two Sentry of the Land badges.”
Philomena whispered to the Petkeeper.
“Philomena!”
“What?”
“She’s saying that Mauve Hearts are only awarded to those injured in battle, so you must be…ah…”
“Unlucky?”
“She actually said, ‘a fuckup’. Sorry.”
Radish put away his ID.
“If her ladyship Philomena disapproves, then she may skip the Mote Island Music Festival. A shame- I heard Songbird Serenade is headlining.”
Philomena squawked loudly.
“She says she’ll allow you to escort her, but cut the sarcasm- she outranks you.”
“That can’t possibly be true.”
“She’s technically in the line of succession.”
Radish made an unhappy sound in his throat. Philomena made a mockingly happy one in her syrinx.
“Well, your excellency, I am at your disposal."
Radish held out his hoof for her, and she flew and landed on his nape. She got comfortable.
“Enjoy the festival, both of you.”
“Thanks, Blythe.”
Radish carried Philomena to the train platform, where hoofponies were loading Radish’s and Philomena’s things onto the train. One hoofpony approached Radish.
“Major? This is compliments of the Head Potionista.”
He passed him a case of small potions vials.
“A standard travel bag. For seasickness, wakefulness, barking dogs, and so on. She especially recommends the pink ones for digestive problems arising from foreign water. ‘Ahuizotl’s Revenge’, I believe they call it.”
“Thanks, Stanchion.”
“She added that she hopes you have a fun time at the concert.”
“Tell her I’m sorry for being a pain in the withers. I’ll bring her back a T-shirt.”
“She’ll be delighted. She’s an extra-small.”
They entered a private train car. Radish took a seat by the window, and Philomena lighted on a golden perch which had been set up for her.
“You might want to get comfortable. We’re a long way from the marina.”
Wrawrk, Philomena barked, pointing to her belly.
“Does that mean you’re hungry?”
Philomena nodded.
“We’ll get you something once we’re underway, okay?”
Radish watched the world whip by his train car window. He tested out his wrist baton, flicking it out, taking practice swings in the air, and then collapsing it back under his sleeve. Philomena watched, intrigued.
“So… Philomena….”
She looked at him.
“Do you spend much time with Celestia?”
She nodded.
“Does she ever… talk about me?”
Philomena rolled her eyes. She tucked her head under her wing and feigned sleep.
“Fine. Be that way.”
Radish leaned back. He read over what Celestia had provided regarding Prince Blueblood, the island, and the festival. It wasn’t much- Radish would have preferred to know more historical background, and he assumed she just wanted less for him to obsess over. He looked back up at Philomena, who was staring at him.
“Hey, uh… could you teach me how to speak Phoenix?”
Rrwak!
She hopped to the seat next to him. She cleared her throat, then held out a wing.
Arwark.
He shook it with a hoof.
“Okay. Thank you.”
Radish and Philomena arrived at the train station and transferred to a coach to take them to the marina. Prince Blueblood’s yacht was the largest one there- closer to a small ocean liner. The prince was on the dock, directing the hoofponies loading his luggage while sipping a tropical beverage.
“Ah! Radish Root, welcome.”
“Hello, your highness. May I present her ladyship Philomena.”
“Hey, Mena. Nice plumage this year.”
Squawk.
“I know. Go ahead and get on board. We’re casting off in a bit.”
He walked up to Radish.
“Nice ensemble, by the way. Another Chandler original?”
“Yes, sir.”
“So if I did this-!” he said, punching his hoof into Radish’s chest. Radish gasped and stepped back. The chainmail held together, but its links dug into Radish’s ribs.
Radish instinctively assumed a fighting stance. Blueblood laughed.
“Good, a tough outfit on a tough guy. That’s what I want. Let’s go.”
He led Radish up to the deck. Lounging in deck chairs on the bow were two mares- a black earth pony with a white mane, and a white unicorn with a black mane. The unicorn tipped her sunglasses down to see Radish.
“Oh, good. The help is here.”
“Help, miss? I’m here as the prince’s bodyguard.”
“Oh, fun. But seriously, I’ll take a spritzer.”
“What’s a spritzer?”
“And he does jokes, too.”
“Root, why don’t you go get us some drinks?” said Blueblood.
“Because I’m… yes, sir.”
Philomena perched on the spigot of the yacht’s wet bar while Radish busied himself with bottles and bar tools.
Squawk.
“Oh, hush. Guards obey royals. All royals. I knew that when I signed up for the gig.”
Crowawk?
“I’ve had worse jobs. One summer I was a papercolt. Had to get up hours before sunrise. At least here I get to be on a boat.”
Sqawwk?
“Besides, I like mixing drinks. Try this.”
He dipped a bar spoon into a shaker, and held it out for her to taste.
“Wait, this won’t kill you, will it?”
Grwawk.
“Okay.”
She sipped from the spoon.
“How’s it taste?”
Krawwwak!
“I know, right? It’s the citrus.”
Carrying a tray on his head, Radish rejoined Blueblood and the mares on the deck.
“Here’s your drinks, your highness.”
“Finally,” said the unicorn.
The three clinked their highball glasses and chugged.
“Ugh, what is this?” asked the earth mare, spitting it out.
“Stable Space,” said Radish. “Grenadine Splash invented the recipe.”
“Who on earth is that?” asked the unicorn.
“She’s the Royal Distiller.”
“More like Royal Dis-swill-er,” scoffed Blueblood. “Go get us some champagne to wash the taste out of our mouths.”
“The good stuff!” called the earth mare to Radish as he walked away.
Radish dug through the wine rack. Philomena watched.
“Do you know what the good stuff is?”
Rawrrk.
“Shut it. He’s Equestrian royalty. Somehow.”
Rar. Awrwar?
“Oh. I see. This was all orchestrated to teach me a lesson, wasn’t it? Trusting Twilight on Glimmer is my duty just as much as obeying Blueblood, isn’t it? Well, they’re not comparable. Blueblood is just a brat. Glimmer is a supervillain. And I’m older than Twilight, so she should listen to me.”
He found a bottle with an elaborate label.
“Think this is the good stuff?”
They both sampled it.
Awk.
“Yeah, me too.”
He carried the drinks back to the deck, and no one was there. He went inside and walked the halls until he found what looked like Princes Blueblood’s suite. There was a tie hanging on the doorknob. Radish reached for it, but Philomena slapped his face.
Rrwk.
“Why? What does a tie mean?”
Fwuk.
“Oh. Uh… let’s go… look out for pirates.”
Radish left the drinks by the door and explored the yacht, eventually finding the bridge. A stout earth stallion was at the wheel.
“Captain.”
“Major.”
“How’s it looking?”
“Clear sailing. Guessing the prince is entertaining his guests?”
“Yeah.”
“We won’t see him for the rest of the day.”
“Seriously? It’s not even noon.”
“Impressive, right? Wanna learn how to pilot?”
“Sure do.”
“Take the wheel.”
Rarwk.
Philomena perched on Radish’s shoulder.
“Hey, you two look good together. A real couple of salty dogs.”
“Thanks. So you do this all day?”
“Best job in the world, isn’t it?”
“Huh. Maybe I should have been a sailor.”
“The big horns need guards more than they need sailors.”
“The big horns don’t need anything from me. They have AG1 to save them, and failing that, a bunch of pardoned criminals.”
“A ship needs both a sturdy sail and a strong rudder to tack into the wind. The rudder may get more barnacles than sunshine, but the crew would be lost without it.”
“Hmm.”
Radish piloted the boat for a while, learning maneuvers and terminology from the captain. The ocean surface was like a clear mirror of the sunny skies above. The waves were gentle. Philomena eventually perched on Radish’s back and drifted off to sleep.
A bell on the back wall rang, loudly. Philomena woke and screeched.
“Ah, his majesty needs you,” said the skipper.
“I’m going to sound like the biggest asshole by asking this, but aren’t there any actual servants on this boat?”
“Nope. Just you, me, and the cook. He likes a skeleton crew. He likes his guard to handle as many duties as possible.”
“Thanks for the sailing lesson. Come on, Phil. Let’s attend to-”
The bell rang much more furiously.
Radish reached the prince’s door. The champagne he left was gone. Radish knocked, but there was no response. Radish waited, then tried again. No response.
“Okay, maybe he pulled the bell cord accidentally,” Radish suggested to Philomena. “I wasn’t looking forward to going in there anyway.”
The door swung open. Prince Blueblood leaned against the doorframe, carrying a rocks glass of a brown liquor in his aura. He was disheveled and sweaty.
“Oh, Root, old boy. There you are.”
“How may I serve you?”
“Come on in! We need you, badly.”
“Uh, yes sir.”
Radish entered the room. The two mares were lounging half on the couch and half on the floor. They were also disheveled and sweaty.
“Ladies, you’ve got to see this,” the prince said, leaning forward. “Go on, Root.”
“Go on and what, sir?”
“Show us your cutie marks, of course! Why do you think I wanted you on this jaunt? You’re the entertainment!”
Radish chewed his lower lip. He felt Philomena pat his back sympathetically.
“Sir, I thought-”
“Oh, go on!” said the unicorn. “Let’s see them! He’s been talking about them all day!”
“Miss, they are inappropriate for mixed company.”
“Hear that, Jelly Baby?” laughed the unicorn. “We’re mixed company!”
“And what makes them so inappropriate?” asked the earth mare, sauntering over to Radish.
“They depict two ponies in a… carnal bearing.”
The three howled with laughter. The prince buckled over and dropped his drink.
“Show us,” he said, wiping his eyes. “That’s an order.”
Radish grit his teeth.
“Sir, it’s your aunt!”
“I know. That’s what makes it so funny .”
“Ooh, her highness in a compromising position? Let’s see ‘em!” said the unicorn.
“Yes,” said the prince. “Do it. ”
Radish sighed and pulled off his caparison. Philomena jumped off him and perched on a bookshelf, averting her eyes. The prince and his guests gathered around to gawk. They stared for a few seconds, then burst with riotous laughter.
“Incredible! And you got these from a boyhood dream?” asked the prince.
“I think so.”
“What a dirty child you must have been!”
“Will there be anything else, my prince?”
“Yes. The chef should be ready with dinner now. Go fetch it.”
Radish redressed and left the room. Philomena followed him, perched on his shoulder, and nuzzled his head.
“Thanks, Phil. It’s been awhile since I’ve been mocked over them.”
Kwak-wak.
“So the prince says ‘dinner’ to mean ‘lunch’, huh? I thought that was a cow thing.”
Awkk warrk.
“Oh? I should have guessed.”
Radish and Philomena entered the galley. There was a large pot of soup simmering on the stove, but no chef.
“Hello? Chef? What’s the chef’s name?”
Kraak.
“Chef le Grand? Are you in here? Must be in the bathroom. Wow, this is bigger than most landlocked kitchens. Want a snack?”
Kra.
Philomena pointed to a walk-in freezer.
“Imported ice cream? Now we’re talking.”
Radish opened the freezer. An adult male griffon in an apron was lying on the floor.
Waaak!
Radish didn’t need Philomena’s warning. He heard the assailant sneaking up behind him, and he bucked with both hind legs. His hooves met the thickly-muscled chest of a pegasus stallion, clothed in a dark blue outfit and a black balaclava. The pegasus gripped both of Radish’s hind legs and threw him across the kitchen. Radish landed on a pile of copper-bottomed pots, sending them clattering in all directions.
Philomena swooped at the pegasus, who ducked and brought his wings together with enough force to knock her out of the air. She fell, and he bucked her into the walk-in freezer.
Radish blew a sleep dart at the attacker. The pegasus dodged it, to Radish’s shock. Radish flicked out his baton and assumed his bipedal fighting stance. The pegasus snatched up a long chef’s knife from the counter. The two circled each other.
The pegasus hurled the knife at Radish’s face. Radish threw his hooves in front as a shield, and the knife struck and cracked his wood mail sleeves. Radish lowered his hooves to see the pegasus grip his head and toss Radish into the freezer. As Radish climbed to his feet, the freezer door slammed shut.
Radish punched the emergency release button on the door. It didn’t open. He bucked the door with all his might. It didn’t budge.
“Okay, what was that about, Phil? Philomena!”
Philomena was shivering on the floor. Her beak was turning blue.
“Here,” said Radish, putting her snug under his caparison, “try to stay warm. Guess freezers aren’t good for phoenixes, huh?”
k-k-kwaak…
Radish checked the chef. He was unconscious, but alive. Radish looked around the freezer.
“That guy must be after the prince. We need to get him. Do you know a way out?”
Warkk, she said, pointing to the small round window in the freezer door.
“Gotcha.”
Radish beat at the glass with a can of spinach until it shattered. He used his baton to clear out the broken glass from its edges, and slipped Philomena through the hole. She unbolted and opened the door.
“Thanks, gal.”
Radish dragged the chef out of the freezer, leaving him face-up on the kitchen floor with a bag of rice as a pillow.
“Let’s go.”
Radish bolted for the prince’s room. The door was wide open and it was empty. He heard a crash, and ran to find its source. He entered the bar, and found the attacker brawling with Blueblood across the floor. The earth mare leapt into the fray, but the pegasus bucked her, sending her into the shelves behind the bar. A hundred bottles of liquor fell on her.
The unicorn mare growled, and gripped the assailant’s neck in her aura. He flung a fork at her face, which she dodged just in time. Her aura dropped, and the pegasus flung the prince right into her. He advanced on the two, his long knife in his mouth.
Radish cracked the pegasus over the head with his wrist baton. The pegasus turned to Radish in fury and swung the knife at his throat. Radish dodged back, tripping on one of the bottles and falling on his haunches.
The prince shouted out, “Mena! Now!”
Philomena landed on Radish’s head, pulling his hood down over his eyes. She spread her wings, and a blinding bright light burst from her. The pegasus cried out, stumbling back, and the prince smashed a bottle of champagne over his head. He passed out on the floor.
Radish raised his hood to find the prince standing before him, holding out a hoof to help him up.
“Are you all right, Major Root? We were afraid he’d killed you! Damned brave of you, attacking a Destrier with a stick like that!”
He pulled Radish up off the floor. Philomena perched on the bar.
“A what?”
“They’re a group of assassins-for-hire,” said the earth mare, trotting from behind the bar. Her coat was soaked with dozens of liquors, and she shook herself dry. The unicorn took a washcloth in her aura and toweled off the earth mare’s mane.
“Yeah,” the unicorn said. “Most don’t survive an encounter with them.”
Blueblood pulled off the attacker’s mask.
“Face doesn’t ring a bell. Let’s see what he’s good at.”
He pulled down the pegasus’s trousers. His cutie mark depicted an hourglass.
“Well, that could mean anything,” he grumbled.
“Check his pits,” said the earth mare.
The prince looked at the attacker’s armpits. In the left front one was a tattoo of a green dragonfly.
“Ah, this one is high-ranking. They’re not playing around anymore. Is the chef okay?”
“Unconscious.”
“Hmm. Not even the cruelest assassin would deprive the world of Chef la Grand.”
“I’ll see to him,” said the unicorn. She pulled a medical kit off the wall and left the room.
“Sir, I’m sorry,” said Radish. “I should have been at your side. Are you hurt?”
“Not at all.”
“We need to turn this boat around and get you to safety,” said Radish. “There’s a REF outpost on Pony Skull Island- they can get you a pegasus escort back to your villa.”
The Prince laughed.
“But wouldn’t your career be over if word got out you let an assassin get this close to a prince?” Blueblood asked.
“That doesn’t matter. Your life does.”
The prince shared a look with the earth mare and the phoenix. Philomena squawked.
“Lock this fellow in the custodial closet,” Blueblood said. “Then we can plot our course.”
Radish locked up the assassin. Philomena led him to a large room on the top deck. The prince and his lady friends were standing around a circular table in the center of the room. As he entered, the prince used magic to close and lock the door, then draw shades down each porthole.
“Major, I wasn’t going to reveal any of this to you, but our friend let the cat out of the bag. And I think I’ll need as many allies in on this as I can get.”
“Sir?”
Blueblood reached under the table. Radish heard a click . The table top flipped over, revealing a detailed world map. The bookshelves along the walls slid open, and racks of weapons, tools, and miscellaneous gear for all conceivable occasions took their place. A slide projector lowered from the ceiling, and a corresponding projector screen lowered along a wall.
Radish crouched low. “What is all this?”
Philomena leapt onto the table.
Arkrkak. Kwrarkarkwarkawrraaka.
“What, really?” gasped Radish.
“Yes, major. I’m not some idle playboy. That’s just a convenient cover. I fight for Equestria’s best interests, behind-the-scenes. I use my station, my wealth, and my contacts to uncover foul plots and stave off enemies not even Celestia knows about.”
“You’re the Royal Spymaster!?”
Blueblood chuckled. “More like a royal master spy. Very few know the truth. This yacht’s captain has an inkling, but doesn’t ask questions. Chef la Grande doesn’t know. Celestia has been growing suspicious, so I was going to keep up the ruse in front of you, so you’d go back to her and report that I’m still the useless gadabout she thinks I am.”
“Why? Why not tell her?”
“She’d want me to stop. And I love her too much to stop defending her.”
Radish looked at the mares.
“And you two?”
“We’re on loan from a bureau you’ve never heard of,” said the unicorn. “I’m Jelly Baby, that’s Plucky Zither. We help each other out on missions from time to time. Usually when he needs to be seen with a pair of stunning babes to complete the playboy look.”
"So the three of you didn't really...?"
"That's none of your business, Radish," said Jelly Baby.
"But no," said Plucky Zither quickly, "we didn't. We don't."
“And the whole boorish asshole thing is just an act?”
Blueblood laughed.
“Yes, but it’s a fun act,” said the prince. “A lot of stuck-up ponies deserve to have their chains yanked.”
“Rarity didn’t.”
"Ah, but she has a lot of rivals in the fashion industry who have ties to black markets. They enjoyed watching me ruin her night, which allowed me to get close to them. I've been monitoring, exploiting, and disrupting those operations since."
"Black markets? Has any starcium passed through them?"
"Unfortunately, no. But I have a contact who has been working the starcium problem from outside Equestria. We’re going to meet at the festival. They should have some news for me.”
“Do you trust them?”
“With my life.”
“And you do this all the time?”
“All the time.”
Radish held out his hoof.
“I’m sorry I misjudged you.”
The prince shook it.
“You didn’t. You believed what I wanted you to believe. And for the record, those cocktails you made were fantastic.”
“Thanks.”
“Would you make five more? We have something to toast now.”
Potion Nova flipped through the ancient tome Radish left on her desk. She noticed a three hundred-year-old note scrawled in the margins. She pulled a magnifier over it and peered at it.
She recognized the writing- she had seen it in multiple ancient scrolls and books in the palace archives. The scribe was anonymous, but reliable- every time a researcher found a note from them, it was good information. Palace scholars took to calling the mystery writer “Scribe K”, after a distinct feature of their script.
“Let’s see… that’s the old name for starcium! Huh. Scribe K thought that it could be used to make… but then it would be able to… uh oh…”
Potion Nova felt a chill run down her spine.
The Only Mark That Matters
149. The Lifestyle, Part 2
Radish, the prince, the two mares, and the phoenix clinked their glasses and drank.
“So, how does a prince get into the spy game?” Radish asked.
“Oh, I’ve been doing this ever since boarding school. You see, I was roommates with a real piece of work. Charmful, was his name. He abused the servants, cheated on exams, bullied the townies, and constantly left his dirty socks on my side of the room. From the day we met, he assumed I was cut from the same cloth. And in the beginning, I was.”
He swirled his drink, somberly staring into the ice cubes.
“Back then, I cared for nothing and no one. I simply wanted to graduate and begin my life of idle luxury. Charmful was constantly trying to ingratiate himself with me, hoping that becoming best buddies with a prince would pay dividends down the line. And it may have, but he… upset me.”
He took a swig.
“There was this local girl. She worked at a snack stand in town. Very pretty, very kind, even after a long day of long lines. I always saw her as a pleasant piece of the scenery, beneath my interest. Charmful thought she was beneath him, too, and that's why he was furious when she rebuffed his advances. He wanted to hurt her.
“He came up with a spell that would make its target act like a stinking drunk for several hours. He planned to cast it on her during her busiest day of the year, during an annual parade. She’d be a laughing stock in front of a massive crowd, and miss out on the business she needed to keep afloat. Then she'd have no choice but to do whatever he wanted for money. And he told me all of this in confidence, because he thought I’d find it hilarious.”
He finished his drink and put it on the bar.
“Well, I didn’t. It was the first time in my life I was in the position to save an innocent from a villain. The first time somepony actually needed me.
“I let him think I was his co-conspirator. But I cast a mirror spell on the girl without her or anyone else knowing. When he tried to cast his spell, it reflected right back in his face. He stumbled around like a drooling moron, disrupted the parade, and evacuated himself into a patrolpony’s cart as prominent town officials watched. He was arrested, expelled, and never seen again.”
Philomena flapped onto the prince’s shoulder and nuzzled him.
“He never knew it was me. The girl never knew what I did for her. And it felt good. That’s when I realized that a lowly reputation combined with clever maneuvering could make the world a better place. I’d let the world think I was an over-privileged dolt, and let all manner of corrupt officials and shady businessponies come to me with their plots. I engineered quite a few downfalls of the cruel and unscrupulous. And I expanded into the espionage game quite seamlessly.”
Radish took a moment to absorb the story.
“Ever cross paths with Worthy Wagoner?”
“But of course. He was on the board of the school. We were all impressed that you took him down. He was always so careful.”
“Do you know about what he has?”
“The sun shard? Yes. Sickening isn’t it? Last I heard, the family is keeping it at their chalet. I’d sneak in and take it back, but Celestia believes that stealing it would taint it. She would never accept it unless it was returned legally.”
“But that’s never going to happen,” protested Radish. “There must be something you can do.”
“Radish,” said Jelly Baby, “we have enough problems without taking on more. Let’s focus on the mission at hoof.”
“Right. What’s next?”
“Plucky and I have our own mission to complete. As the boat moves past the far side of the island, we’ll slip off and swim to shore. The yacht will dock, and you and Blueblood will go out into the party to get seen.”
“I have to keep up the playboy act, you know” Blueblood said. “I need you to play the part of the annoyed bodyguard who’s hating his assignment.”
“Right.”
“We’ll meet the contact, then bring them back here. The ladies will join us en route. To the crowds, it will look like the prince took a group back to his yacht for some fun.”
“You make it sound simple,” Radish noted.
“Oh, something always goes wrong. But Twilight said you’re good at improvising.”
“You talk to Twilight?”
“Of course. She needs to think I’m a brat, same as anyone.”
Radish frowned. “You act rude to her, too?”
“I approached her in the library while she was reading. I went on and on about my new tie pin. Loudly.”
Radish cringed. “Ugh, she must have hated that. How are you okay with good ponies thinking so poorly of you?”
“Would you not trade their estimation of you for their safety?”
“Of course! Oh. I get it.”
Blueblood put a hoof on Radish’s shoulder.
“I knew I had you right.”
Light Fantastic and Splash page sipped coffee a shared table at Bold Roast’s.
“Seriously? Rad’s on a royal yacht to MoteFest?” Splash Page asked incredulously.
“Yep,” said Light Fantastic.
“Man, I should have been a guard.”
"Yeah? Let's see you do a pushup."
"Which one is a pushup, again?"
“Now, remember to stay alert,” Blueblood instructed Radish. “This is bound to get hairy. The best kinds of parties tend to attract the worst kinds of parties. We won't be the only spies skulking around Motefest."
"That's what we're counting on," said Plucky Zither.
"Plucky," hissed Jelly Baby. "You don’t need to tell them everything."
"Are you sure about that?" asked Radish.
"We have to get going," said Jelly, downing the rest of her drink. "See you on the other side."
"Of the island, she means," said Plucky. "Not like, death, or anything."
The two mares zipped themselves up into wetsuits and dove off the back of the yacht. Radish watched them slip into the water without a splash.
"Nice girls, aren't they?" said the prince.
"How did you meet them?"
“We crossed paths in Monacolt. Rather tricky situation, but it was a good day for the good guys. Now, come on. There's a party waiting for us. And remember- you're annoyed by me."
"Aye, sir."
Radish accompanied Blueblood off the yacht. Philomena kept perched on the prince’s back. Radish took in MoteFest. The island was bustling with ponies, griffons, and zebras, all wearing a mix of clothes that were too expensive with accessories that were too cheap. Most had glowsticks incorporated into their ensembles somehow. Music was blaring from multiple stages, and none of the partygoers were paying attention to any of them. Most of the partygoers were inebriated.
"Root!" said Blueblood, feigning inebriation, "Come along, the real party's inside."
"Aye, your highness."
They approached a squat stone building covered in party banners and posters. Inside was a nightclub which was no less loud, crowded, or dark. Radish followed Blueblood past the throngs. They reached a door guarded by two large stallions in business casual attire. They let the prince pass without comment, but gave Radish unimpressed side-eyes. The prince approached a couch, where a pegasus mare in a fancy getup and an elaborate hairdo was entertaining an entourage. She lifted her hair for a better look at the prince.
"BB! Philomena! Good to see ya!"
“Songbird Serenade, lovely as always.”
Wrak.
Songbird Serenade shooed away her hangers-on with a gesture. Blueblood took a seat closely by her. The two chatted for a while, discussing current events and celebrity gossip. After a while, the two were leaning into each other, whispering and giggling.
“Root! Take us back to the yacht. We have more to… discuss,” said Blueblood.
“You two, take five,” Songbird told her bodyguards. “In fact, take a bunch of fives.”
They took a back exit. As they waded through the crowds, Radish felt a pony’s hoof hook around his. He turned to see Plucky Zither, now in a party getup and holding a drink, siding up to him.
“Hey, hottie. You here all alone?” she asked, batting her eyes.
“I’m here to work, miss,” Radish said plainly. Jelly Baby appeared out of the crowd and sauntered up to him from the other side.
“Aww, don’t be so serious,” she said, drawing a hoof up his chest. “Dont’cha wanna have a little fun tonight?”
Blueblood looked over his shoulder. “Root, you old dog! Go ahead and invite your new lady friends onto the boat.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Ooh, a boat party! Anchors aweigh, matey,” Plucky said with a wink. Jelly giggled.
The ponies and phoenix reboarded the boat and entered the map room on the top deck. The spy mares tossed off their party paraphernalia. They joined Blueblood, Songbird, and Philomena at the map table. Radish approached Songbird Serenade, who was tying her hair back and gazing down at the map with a serious look in her eyes.
“Songbird Serenade? You’re the contact?” Radish asked.
“Who else can travel from Trotslyvania to Casabronco, hobnobbing with VIPs without raising suspicion?”
“What have you learned?” asked Blueblood.
Songbird took a flat pencil and made some additions to the world map on the table.
“Well, the good news is we can rule out all the usual suspects. Most other powers are scrambling to get their hooves on the missing starcium, too. None seem to have found it. None seem to know who took it.”
“Do they have any ideas what it was stolen for?” Jelly asked.
“Lots of ideas, but nothing solid to go on. My zebra contacts believe it was wanted for a very dangerous potion. The griffons think the thieves just wanted it for its intrinsic value- wealth to be hoarded, not material to be used.”
“If only,” sighed Blueblood.
“The best lead so far is a series of similar robberies across Great Bitton. Rare electro-mechanical components being stolen without a trace.”
“What does that add up to?” Radish asked.
“Something high-tech,” said Blueblood.
“And it ain’t no jukebox,” added Songbird.
“Thank you, Songbird. That opens up some new avenues of investigation,” Blueblood said. “This is for you.”
He passed her a small envelope. She checked its contents and smiled.
“Thanks, prince.”
“You are welcome.”
“I’ve got a show to do. Try to catch some of it, if you’re not too busy saving the world.”
Songbird Serenade took flight from the yacht and disappeared into the night sky. Radish looked back at Blueblood, who was adding notes to the notes she added to the map. It was all in a code Radish didn’t know.
“What about you two?” the prince asked the spy mares.
“Yeah, she’s here, all right,” said Jelly with annoyance in her voice. “We spotted her by the pool.”
“Hmm. Major, we’re going to need you for this next bit.”
“Who’s here?” asked Radish.
“Fetching Steps,” answered Blueblood. “And we’re finally going to apprehend her.”
“Wait, you know about Fetching Steps?”
The prince raised an eyebrow. “Ah, Major… you do realize that was me that day, don’t you?”
“What day?”
“On Discord’s zeppelin. I was in disguise, calling myself Princely Sum.”
“Princely Sum? That guy!? That was you? That was a disguise? That… that… what were you doing there?”
“I had just finished an unrelated mission on an island in the same archipelago when the airship stopped by. I thought it best to investigate. I had no idea you and your bat siblings would end up there on a secret mission of Luna’s.”
“Then that was you who was hitting on Vesper!”
“Well, of course.”
“What do you mean, ‘of course’?”
“Okay, you two, focus,” said Jelly Baby. “Our mission is Fetching Steps.”
“But who is she?” asked Radish. “Who does she work for?”
“Nopony knows,” said Plucky. “But whoever it is, they’re well-informed about covert operations across the globe. She keeps showing up and interfering with spy work- ours, Blueblood’s, other nation’s. It’s been going on for far too long. We’re going to capture her, interrogate her, and uncover who she answers to.”
“Okay,” said Radish. “What do you need from me?”
“Over here,” said Blueblood. He brought Radish to a shelf full of jars and bottles.
“These hair dyes are how I disguised myself as Princely Sum. I’m going to become him again. And Radish Root can’t be seen off of the yacht either, so you need to come up with a new identity. New look, new cutie mark, and a new name.”
“Have fun with it,” said Plucky. “Be creative.”
“Onion Bulb. I’m Onion Bulb.”
“No, that stinks.”
“See?” said Potion Nova, showing Celestia the tome, “Scribe K hypothesized a long-range weapon that could be built with sufficient quantities of refined starcium. Its power and accuracy would increase the more starcium that went into it.”
“That's quite a weapon. It would be difficult to counter such a device.”
Celestia read over the three-hundred-year-old marginal note. She smiled.
“Ah, Singleton, my old friend. Thank you for recording your thoughts.”
“Who?”
“He was a research scholar here in the palace. He would lose himself in the archive stacks for days at a time, then emerge having gleaned some unique insight. I often wished I could spend that kind of time on pure research.”
“I thought you’ve looked at Scribe K’s writing before, but never figured out who it was.”
“It’s not his writing, it’s his word choice that gives him away. See that phrase, ‘mark my words’? He said that all the time. It got rather repetitive. He must have been keeping these notes anonymous by writing with his mouth, instead of his horn. It’s a trick some unicorns use to disguise their writing.”
“Yeah, I’ve done that. But why would he want to write this note anonymously?”
“Perhaps he feared he’d be laughed at for this idea. It was far ahead of its time- his coworkers would have seen it as foolish paranoia.”
“You know…”
“Yes, I realize I relieved Major Root of the starcium case over what I saw as foolish paranoia.”
“I think this lead is worth pursuing. And he unwittingly brought it to my attention. We should at least thank Radish for this.”
“Potion Nova, I wanted Radish to go with Blueblood so he could relax about the starcium, not learn about more ways it can be used against us. I’ll have others follow up this lead.”
“What do you think he’d do if he knew about this?”
“That’s the problem with Radish. You never know what new mess he’ll throw himself into.”
“Well, at least he’s just with the prince at a party now. What's the worst that… could… ”
The two mares looked each other in the eyes. They both frowned.
Radish stepped out of one of the yacht’s bathrooms, having recolored his coat navy blue, his mane and tail gold, and having given himself tan Xs for cutie marks. He placed his engagement ring and his Guard ID badge in a box on a shelf while the spy mares appraised his new look.
“Well? What do you think?” he asked.
“Not too shabby,” said Plucky Zither, eyeing him up and down.
“What’s that cutie mark?” asked Jelly Baby.
“They’re crossroads.”
“And your new name?”
“Crossroads. Call me Crossroads.”
“Cute,” said Plucky.
“Don’t you two need disguises?” he asked.
“Uh, we’ve swapped colors,” said Plucky, pointing to Jelly.
“And restyled our manes,” said Jelly, pointing to Plucky.
Radish looked back and forth between the two mares. They looked the same to him.
“What? No, you haven’t.”
“Are you sure?”
“...no…”
“Stallions. Honestly .”
“Ah, you three look excellent,” said Blueblood, entering the room in his Princely Sum guise.
“So, what’s the plan?” Radish asked.
“Mena, guard the ship,” Blueblood told Philomena, perched on the shelf. “This shouldn’t take long.”
Princely Sum stood alone on one of Mote Island’s shores, pensively gazing out at the moon’s reflections in the water. He was far enough from the festival that the sounds of music and crowds were no longer drowning out the waves.
“Funny seeing you here,” said a flirtatious voice behind him. He turned to see Fetching Steps. He hadn’t heard the approach of her hoofsteps in the sand.
“Oh, I remember you! You were on that wretched cruise.”
“That’s right. That was quite an adventure. A shame we lost track of each other in all the chaos.” She stepped closer. “You seemed like an interesting pony. I was hoping to get to know you better.”
“And I, you, as well. I could tell you weren’t the typical sort of girl I usually meet on cruises.”
Radish watched the pair through binoculars behind the cover of a sand dune. The two were leaning into each other, engaged in a lengthy, intimate conversation.
I wish I could hear them. Learn about how real spies converse.
The two then shared a laugh, stood up, and took off down the shoreline together.
Okay. Now I just track them. Something I’m good at.
Radish followed them back to the interior of the island, past thatch-roof huts and short, weathered wooden buildings. They turned down a long dark alley. Radish scaled a building to keep a rooftop view of the pair. As they reached the midpoint of the alley, Jelly Baby sprang out in front of them and Plucky Zither sprang out behind them. Fetching Steps raised an eyebrow but remained calm, as if waiting for their next move.
Radish, now positioned above the scene, put his lips to his boot and blew a sleep dart. It zipped into Fetching Steps’s neck, and she shuddered. She pulled the dart out and looked at it, then looked up at Radish.
“Oh… it’s...”
She slumped to the ground. Jelly quickly rushed onto her and cuffed her. Radish jumped down to join them.
“Was that… kind of easy?” asked Radish, watching warily.
“Of course. It was a well-executed plan with a well-planned execution,” answered Jelly.
“Quite right,” said Blueblood, lifting Fetching Steps up and draping her across his back. “Let’s take the long way back to the boat.”
“Isn’t it a bad idea to take her to the boat? It contains your spy secrets and stuff.”
“Oh, don’t worry, we’ll be keeping a close eye her this time ,” said Jelly, casting an accusing eye towards Plucky.
They snuck back to the boat under the cover of darkness. As they approached it, Philomena gave a squawk from the sky, indicating nopony was watching. They boarded and took Fetching to an empty room and tied her to a chair. A whiff of smelling salts jolted her awake. She looked around the room.
“Hey, what kind of party is this? I don’t think I’m into this kind of scene.”
Radish approached her menacingly. She focused on him.
“Whoa. Hey there, big guy. What’s your name?”
“I’m Crossroads,” Radish said icily. “And you’re at a crossroads right now, miss. Either you answer our questions, or…”
She smirked. “Or what?”
“Or this boat gets a new anchor!” barked Jelly, seizing and shaking Fetching’s chair. “Now, talk! Who are you working for?”
“Why, the Royal Spymaster, of course,” Fetching said pleasantly, leaning back.
“What are you doing on Mote Island?” asked Plucky.
“I came here to meet the leader of the Destriers.”
Princely Sum raised an eyebrow. “Why?”
“Oh, haven’t you heard? The Destriers are on the verge of a internal power struggle. I was sent to add fuel to the fire: whisper in the boss’s ear, get him paranoid of his lieutenants, and hopefully spark a civil war in their ranks.”
“Okay, enough of these tall tales,” said Plucky. “We have interrogators back home that will get the real truth out of you.”
“Indeed,” said Princely, ushering the others out of the room. “Let’s give the lady some space for now.”
After shutting the door behind them, Jelly grit her teeth. “Ugh, I can’t stand that lying trollop.”
“I’m not so sure she was lying,” said Blueblood. “A Destrier did attack me on my own yacht. That’s an atypically bold move for the organization, with no apparent motive. But if an up-and-coming lieutenant wanted to seize power, they’d throw out the old rules to make a name for themselves.”
“Then… did we do the wrong thing?” asked Radish. “If she was going get a bunch of bad guys to fight amongst themselves, that would have been good for everypony, right?”
“Don’t trust a thing she says,” said Plucky. “She's no altruist. And there’s no way their leader is at MoteFest.”
“Well, let’s see what our Destrier prisoner has to say about it,” suggested Plucky.
They went to the supply closet Radish had locked their attacker in. Radish unlocked and opened the door. There was no assassin inside, just a pile of loose ropes.
“He was here,” asserted Radish. “I used my best Ranger knots to tie him. And the door was still locked from the outside.”
“Not your fault,” sighed Blueblood. “I told you, something always goes wrong.”
Suddenly the floor under them lurched. The ship was moving. A loud rawwrk from Philomena rang out from the deck above.
“And sometimes it goes very wrong,” the prince corrected himself.
The four galloped to the bridge. Bursting into the room, they found the captain unconscious on the floor, with Philomena fanning his face with her wings. The ship’s steering wheel had been ripped off its yoke, and the rest of the helm controls had been smashed in.
“Mena! What happened?”
Philomena made a series of screeches and warbles to Blueblood while Plucky saw to the captain and Jelly assessed the helm. Radish looked out at the horizon.
“We’re heading out to open sea,” he observed. “Really fast.”
“The Destrier set the throttle to full speed and turned starboard before wrecking the controls,” said Jelly. She looked at a chart of the local waters. “We’re making a wide circle back to the island.”
“We’re going to crash!?” asked Radish in a panic.
“Yes, but not just anywhere,” said Jelly Baby. “The main stage is a huge pier, and Songbird Serenade’s concert is happening on it right now. We’re going to plow into her and a thousand of her screaming fans.”
“And her album debut concerts always have an overabundance of pyrotechnics,” said Plucky. “The explosion’s gonna be huge .”
“Quite the predicament,” said Blueblood. He stood up straight and pulled on the cord for the ship’s horn. It didn’t sound. He turned a switch on the wall to fire off the ship’s emergency flares. They didn’t fire off. He tried several more switches and levers. None worked. He sighed. “They never make it easy. You four, get Fetching Steps and leave on a life raft. I’m going to the engine room to stop the ship.”
The group split up. Radish, Plucky, Jelly, and Philomena returned to the room they had left Fetching in. She was gone, leaving only the chair and a pile of loose ropes.
“We are just batting a zero today, aren’t we?” grumbled Plucky. “Crossroads, go and- where did he go?”
Radish charged down the ship’s halls, out of a hatch and onto the deck. He found Fetching Steps standing on the bow, the wind whipping through her hair.
“Feels nostalgic, doesn’t it, Radish?” she said, leaning against the railing. “Oh, sorry- I meant Crossroads.”
Radish narrowed his eyes. He aimed his sleep dart blowgun at her. “What was this really all about?”
She hopped up onto the rail of the bow and playfully balanced on it. “Oh, major, it’s a long story with a dull beginning and a sad ending. I’m just trying to enjoy the middle while I can.”
“Then who’s the ghostwriter behind the story?”
“You wouldn’t know him.” She looked down at the water. “Sorry, my ride is here. It was nice to see you again. Tell Light I said ‘Hi’.”
“What?”
She leapt off the bow.
“Hey!”
The Destrier flew up from below holding her in his hooves. He soared into the sky and disappeared into the clouds as Radish shot and missed them with a dart.
“Thanks for the save, handsome,” she said, holding the pegasus stallion tight.
“I recognized you,” he said. “You’re the boss’s new girl.”
“Mmm hmm,” she said, leaning her head against his chest, “those ponies were trying to get me to spill the beans on him.”
“Don’t worry about them. They’ll be fish food in minutes.”
“Good. You can just drop me off at the boss’s room. We’re on the top floor of the Sunfish Hotel.”
“The boss is here? On this island?”
“Oh, shoot, that’s right- he wanted to keep our vacation secret from the rest of the boys. Don’t tell anypony, okay?”
The Destrier lieutenant raised an eyebrow. “Oh, don’t worry. He won’t even know I’m here.”
Radish lost sight of the two in the sky. He ran back to find the others. He found Blueblood and the mares standing at the entrance of the engine room.
“Major,” said Blueblood, gesturing into the room. “We’ve got more problems, if you can believe it.”
A water pipe hanging from the ceiling had been pierced at just the right angles to spray jets of water all over the engine room. An electrical box had been forced open, and its wires had been pulled out and connected to various pieces of machinery in the room.
A welding torch sat in the center of the room, under a half-melted piston in the floor and the severed end of a long heavy chain which led into the wall.
“To stop from crashing, we’ll either need to stop the engine, turn the rudder, or drop the anchor. Possibly all three. But our friend welded the rudder driveshaft solid, cut the anchor, and then electrified the whole blasted room.”
“That guy had an hourglass for a cutie mark. How is he so good at boat sabotage?” grumbled Jelly.
“Ponies can be good a things besides their cutie marks, you know,” said Radish.
“Any ideas, major?” Blueblood asked Radish.
“The captain mentioned something called ‘tacking into the wind’. Can we do that?”
“Well, the ship has deployable sails, and they could knock us off-course, but the controls that operate them were destroyed.”
“Can we raise them manually?”
“We can… but the sudden drag on the top of the ship at this speed would likely tear it to pieces.”
“Well,” sighed Radish, “It wouldn’t be a real mission if I didn’t wreck someone’s vehicle.”
The yacht’s sails, intended for leisurely short-term sailing, were a series of triangular canvas pieces folded between long wooden ribs which were normally kept flat against the sides of the ship. When extended, they gave the appearance of two large unfurling dragon wings.
Radish and Plucky took position above the port sail while Blueblood and Jelly took the starboard. At Philomena’s signal, they simultaneously wretched the sails free. The sail-wings sprang open.
The sails met the air like a brick wall. The entire yacht jerked back as if it received an uppercut to the face. Wood cracked, glass shattered, and metal squealed.
Radish was flung forward as the deck popped up vertically to meet his face. They collided with a smack, and Radish went reeling backwards, seeing stars. He stumbled over the railing and plunged into the water.
The buoyancy of his wood chainmail armor asserted itself, and he popped back up to the surface, gasping. He looked up at the yacht. The upper decks had been crumpled into the lower ones. The steady hum of the engine had been reduced to a loud sputtering, and smoke was pouring out of the hatches. Plucky had been tossed into the sails, which were collapsing around her and into the sea as the entire ship listed sideways above her. Somewhere out of sight, Philomena was screeching.
Radish swam and untangled Plucky from the sinking rigging.
“Did we do it?” she asked, coughing up saltwater.
“I think so. The ship is stopped. And broken. And on fire. And probably going to sink.”
“Over here!” called Blueblood’s voice. He, Philomena, and Jelly were approaching in an inflatable life raft. Radish and Plucky climbed inside.
“Sorry about your boat,” Radish said to Blueblood.
“Well, I have others,” he said.
“Are any nearby?” asked Jelly. “I think we’re going to need one to get home.”
“Maybe not. Look,” said Blueblood, pointing skyward.
A group of griffons were hovering above, watching them.
“Who are they?” Radish asked.
“The griffon coast guard,” answered the prince.
“What are they waiting for?”
“Payment in advance.”
Blueblood held up a coin bag and jiggled it. The griffons nodded.
Full repairs on Mote Island weren’t feasible, so Blueblood paid workgriffs to patch up the yacht’s hull and chartered another ship to tow it back to its home harbor. Blueblood seemed eager to get underway, as if slipping away from the scene of a crime.
Radish and Blueblood sat in the yacht’s bar, sharing a bottle of the good stuff.
“Well, we should be back home in a day or so.”
“Thanks for bringing me into this,” Radish said. “Sorry so much went wrong.”
“This was one of the more successful trips, actually. But there is a serious bit of business we need to discuss.”
“What’s that?”
“You did good out there. I could use a pony like you on my crew. I’d like you to transfer to my villa.”
“I have a job to do back at the palace.”
“But do you? Celestia took you off the starcium case. But I won’t. If you were on my guard detail, we could continue the hunt together. We’ll have all the resources of the royal family behind us, but none of the rules or expectations of the Royal Guard holding us back.”
Radish leaned against the bar, looking out at the ocean through the cabin’s cracked windows. He put his hoof over his engagement ring.
“What about Light?”
“There’s no room in this game of ours for long-term commitments. It’s not fair to either party.”
Radish chuckled. “You know, I’ve dreamt about the life of a spy since I was a teenager. And this adventure has shown me that it’s everything I thought it would be. But I’m not that teen anymore. I’ve got ponies I care about, and ponies who care about me.”
Radish turned to Blueblood. “But now that I know you’re out here doing this, I feel a lot safer. For myself, and for them.”
“Well, then, I must ask you to keep my secret. Even from the rest of the Guard. But especially from Celestia.”
“I will, on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“Make your public persona kinder. Be nice to Twilight. Make amends with Rarity.”
Blueblood sighed. “I can’t. I am too entrenched in this image I’ve built for myself. Ponies would be suspicious of the sudden change.”
“Maybe they’ve been waiting for you to change this whole time.”
“Well, perhaps I could… show some promise.”
Radish knocked at Potion Nova’s office. She magically opened the door.
“Major!”
“Hi, Po No. I brought you something.”
He held up a white, extra-small concert T-shirt. She floated it over to herself.
“Oh! Cool! Thank you.”
“I also got you this.”
He gave her an autographed copy of Songbird Serenade’s latest album.
“Oh, wow!”
She teleported in front of him and gave him a hug.
“Thank you! What’s she like?”
“Good singer. Weird hair, though.”
“Hey, Radish… about the starcium situation…”
“I’m not working that case. You’ll have to bring it up with somepony who is.”
“Oh? Okay.”
Bon Bon and Lyra Heartstrings emerged from their shower, having washed their Jelly Baby and Plucky Zither disguises out of their fur. They toweled each other off.
“Well, I fumbled another mission. Involving her ,” said Lyra. “I’m sorry. Maybe I’m not cut out for the whole secret agent thing.”
“Don’t be sorry. I messed up as much as you,” Bon Bon said. “What did you think of Radish’s performance, though?”
“I liked working with him, but I think he’s where he needs to be.”
“Yeah, I think so, too.”
Prince Blueblood sat at a private table in an Uptown Canterlot fine dining establishment. Across from him sat an older, well-groomed stallion in a crisp suit.
“Now, what favor have you come to wine and dine me over this time?” Blueblood asked, bored.
“The fashion industry in this town is getting crowded. I’ve got a new competitor- an up-and-coming designer named Rarity. She’s become the toast of Canterlot. And I’ve heard that she’s just ordered a shipment of a rare mohair fabric for her spring line.”
“So?”
“So if you could use your influence to make sure that shipment gets… lost in transit … and ends up at my shop instead, I could introduce you to that special collector you were curious about.”
“Ah. Why didn’t you say so?”
Radish met Celestia in her office. He saluted her.
“Ma’am. I’m happy to report that the prince is safely back from the festival.”
“Thank you, major. Were there any problems?”
“Well, there was quite a raucous party on his yacht, ma’am. Some of the rowdier guests knocked out the chef and the captain, and did damage to the ship.”
Celestia sighed. “I wish I could say I was surprised. But Philomena has intimated that the assignment was especially awful for you.”
“Oh. Yeah. See… he only wanted me there to show off my cutie marks for laughs.”
Celestia scowled. “That is unacceptable. I will speak with him about this.”
“Well, we ended up talking. We reached an understanding in the end. He’s letting me use his beach house this summer.”
“Really? That was uncharacteristically repentant of him.”
“Maybe some of my finer qualities really did rub off on him.”
“One can only hope. Did you see any of the festival?”
“I did. You know, that Songbird Serenade is talented.”
“Ah, maybe I’ll make the next Motefest.”
“I dunno, ma’am. The crowds at those places can be pretty rough. They did this thing called a ‘mosh pit’- I’d hate to see you end up in one.”
“Honestly, major. Would you like to start chewing my food for me, as well?”
“Sorry, ma’am. I know I can be… overly-passionate about my duties. But I think the prince has taught me a thing or two about relaxing.”
“He excels at that, all right. But you know, over the years, I’ve heard some funny rumors about the things Prince Blueblood gets up to.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.” She leaned forward. “Did you observe him doing anything… unexpected?”
“Yes, ma’am, I did.”
“What was it?”
“He told me he cares about you.”
Celestia paused, staring at Radish. “Oh. Thank you, major. That’s… all I needed to know.”
Radish entered Cat’s Howl. Light was behind her counter, sketching.
“Hey, babe! How was MoteFest?”
“It was tiring, but fun.”
“What was it like to babysit Blueblood? I hear he’s just the worst.”
“His lifestyle is pretty wild, all right. I almost got caught up in it.”
“I just don’t see you living that kind of life, Rad. All that non-stop partying? You wouldn’t survive it.”
Radish smiled. “Yeah, I almost didn't. That’s why I’ve prepared this.”
He passed her an envelope.
“I wrote you a letter, in case I don’t come back from a mission someday.”
Light ripped open the envelope.
“Hey!” said Radish, grabbing at it, “Not yet!”
Light took flight and hovered out of Radish’s reach, reading it. She balled it up and tossed it at his head.
“‘Move on and find another guy ’? ‘Maybe consider Splash Page’ ? Are you serious?”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“Yeah? Fuck that.”
She flew down to him and poked a hoof in his chest.
“I decide how I mourn you, and for how long. If I want to mope over my first love for a thousand years like Celestia, then I will.”
Radish was taken aback.
“First love? You’ve had other boyfriends before me.”
Light hugged Radish tightly.
“I know what I said.”
Radish hugged her back.
“Light, I’d die for my princesses. But I live for you.”
“Then live a good long time. I don’t want to end up with Splash Page.”
“Hey, you’re no prize, either!” Splash Page called from the bathroom.
“Now see here!” yelled Rarity, slamming a hoof down on the customer service counter of the shipping company she had once trusted. “I’m telling you I did not receive the shipment I ordered! I am a dressmaker! I ordered five bolts of fabric, not five crates of flange bolts! Why would I order flange bolts? I don’t even know what they are!”
“Well,” said the clerk, “according to all the documentation we have on file, you did. Maybe next time you should pay closer attention when filling out the order form. Next!”
“Of all the-! I demand to see-”
“I said, NEXT!”
Rarity left the office sputtering in anger. She stepped out onto the street, and the reality of her situation hit her.
“Oh, my entire spring line is ruined! How on earth could things have gone so wrong?”
“What, did they lose your package, too?” asked a stallion’s voice. She turned to see a tall and stately-looking violet unicorn exiting the building behind her. “Don’t get me started on this company. They’ve somehow mixed up my order of Crystal Empire ice wine with some Quebuckois brand.”
“Well, at least you can still drink yours! I don’t know what I’m going to do with five crates of flange bolts.”
“Flange bolts, you say? Why, I know a cabinetmaker whose entire production line is being bottlenecked for lack of flange bolts! Look, miss, if you’ll let me buy them off you for a mere, say, three times what you paid for them-”
“Three times!?”
“Oh, all right, five times. I can have the bits in your hooves within the hour. And I’ll throw in a bottle of wine, as well.”
Rarity gazed up at the stallion. Something about him seemed familiar, but whatever it was, it was eluding her. She did notice, however, that he didn’t have a wedding ring.
“I do believe we have a deal, Mr…”
“Sum. Princely Sum.”
“Mr. Princely Sum. But perhaps we might open that bottle together?”
Fetching Steps sat in a quiet corner of an Uptown Canterlot art gallery. The paintings on the walls around her depicted stacks of wheat in a subdued realist style. This room received very few tourists- they could see wheat stacks a home. Her employer sat down on the bench next to her.
“Both missions are complete,” she said, passing him a capsule of microfilm. “I photographed everything I could find in his secret spy room. And the Destriers have gone to war with each other. I don’t think they’ll recover.”
“Good work, my dear. Your payment will be deposited into your account. I’ll contact you the next time I need your skills.”
She sighed. “Look, we’ve been doing this dance for quite a while…”
“It is almost at an end, Fetch. By this time next year, everything we’ve worked for will have come together. I will cease calling upon you after that.”
“Just… remember your promise, okay? Nopony gets hurt.”
“I don’t want bloodshed, either. The change will be as peaceful as I can make it.”
“Okay.”
“Was Radish Root there?”
“N… yes. Yes, he was.”
“I think it’s time you burned the Fetching Steps identity. We’ve overused it.”
“Yeah, I figured you’d say that. I’m thinking the next persona could be a blonde.”
“Ah, how fun. Do take care.”
Fetching Steps left the gallery, took a cab to the train station, and took a train far, far out of Canterlot. Hours later she disembarked and made her way on hoof over one of Equestria’s more barren landscapes. She eventually reached a rock farm.
She silently slipped inside the lone farmhouse and ascended the stairs to the second floor. She entered the bathroom and showered. She scrubbed the crimson dyes from her mane and tail, and washed the scarlet out of her coat, restoring both to their natural shades of gray. She pulled the green contact lenses from her violet eyes and discarded them.
She stepped out of the bathroom, toweling off. She entered the bedroom she shared with her sister, who was reading a magazine on her bed.
“Hi, Marble,” said Limestone Pie. “How was your weekend trip to the canyons?”
“It was nice,” said Marble Pie. “I got new soil samples for my collection.”
Marble hung up her towel. Limestone raised an eyebrow and approached her sister.
“Ugh, I am so jealous of your figure, Marble. Everything I eat goes right here,” Limestone said, standing on her hind legs and grabbing her gut. “And it’s all, bleh bleh bleh!” she said, jiggling her belly.
“But everything you eat goes right here,” she said, poking her sister’s hips. “And it’s all, va-va-voom .”
Marble Pie laughed. “Oh, come on. No one’s going to go ‘va-va-voom’ over me.”
“Marble, believe me when I say that if you ever took advantage of just how beautiful you are, you’d be the most dangerous mare in Equestria.”
“Oh, you know me,” she said bashfully. “I’d fall apart at the first sign of danger.”
Limestone held up the magazine she was reading. The cover featured Radish Root and advertised an interview with the stallion who had foiled a starcium heist.
“Hey, I was just reading about this guy. You worked for him, right? What's he like?”
Marble Pie smiled.
Listening to Songbird Serenade’s new album, Potion Nova focused her magic on a thin rod of crystal-coated starcium. She placed it sticking up in an iron stand, and attached electrodes to its base. She backed away from it, adjusted the fit of her goggles, and put her hoof on a large switch on the wall.
She threw the switch, and the rod glowed with indigo light and vibrated. It cracked lengthwise, and sparks poured out of the cracks. The rod shattered into pieces which tumbled and spilled off her workbench.
Celestia entered the room. She frowned at the scene. “What happened?”
“I’m trying to build a proof-of-concept for the weapon Singleton warned us about. But even the most basic models self-destruct when powered. It’s like there’s some kind of interference on the same operating frequency.”
“Hmm, could that indicate that somepony out there has already completed such a weapon?”
Potion Nova frowned. “Oh. Uh oh.”
The Only Mark That Matters
A private dropped off a stack of reports to Radish’s quarters. He found Radish taking apart his cork board. The private stammered at what he was seeing.
“Sir? You’ve got something on your… well, look.”
Radish looked at his flank. There was a glow emanating from under his saddle blanket. In a flash of light, a small, translucent copy of his cutie mark burst from it and flew out his window. He went to the window and watched it go, heading south toward Ponyville. Several guards, palace staff, and tourists watched it fly past them. One quick-acting tourist snapped a photo of it.
“Oh, son of a-”
Fluttershy sat in her map room throne, mulling over a crossword puzzle. A new light in the center of the room caught her attention.
“Twilight! Spike! The map!” she called. “It’s… oh my.”
“What? Who is it?” asked Twilight, trotting into the room.
Fluttershy pointed. The map was displaying the cutie marks of Starlight Glimmer and Radish Root. Twilight and Fluttershy stared.
“What’s going on?” asked Spike, pushing open the door.
“No!” shouted Twilight and Fluttershy, shoving him out of the room.
“What? What is it?” he called from the other side of the door.
“Nothing! We’ll handle it! Do not come in this room!” cried Twilight.
“Is it Radish’s cutie mark on the map?” he asked.
“N… yes,” Twilight admitted.
“Come on! I wanna see it! I know what it is, Twilight. And you can’t keep me out of that room forever.”
“I said no, Spike. But go get a quill- we’ve got letters to send.”
Radish stood before Barrel Roller’s desk. She chewed gum and blew a bubble. It popped.
“A ‘Friendship Mission’, Root?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Well, her highness Princess Sparkle recently issued a protocol for how this kind of thing works.”
She pulled out a thick ring binder and slapped it onto her desk. She opened it and flipped through it.
“And wouldn’t you know it, there’s a section in case a guard gets called on one. And by ‘guard’, it’s pretty obvious she had you in mind.”
“I swear, I didn’t ask for this.”
“Why would you? Go report to her castle. These things apparently usually take a day or two, so pack for four. And no armor or weapons.”
“Ma’am?”
“That’s what she says, Root. Apparently, spreading friendship far and wide means going in unprotected and unarmed. Oh, and I’m not counting this as overtime. This is practically a vacation.”
A trail of dragon smoke flew into the office and burst into two scrolls on Barrel Roller’s desk. One was addressed to Radish, the other to Barrel Roller. Both had an “Urgent” tag. Radish and Barrel Roller traded glances and read them.
Radish grimaced at his letter. Barrel Roller sat back in her chair and sighed, then looked at Radish sympathetically.
“I’m sorry, Root. That stinks.”
“I appreciate that, ma’am.”
“Hey, go talk to Chuck. I’m not putting you near Starlight Glimmer unprepared. And about that overtime- yeah, this counts.”
The Quartermaster stared at Radish’s request list.
“A princess-grade anticornium horn-nullifying mesh cage? You know there’s only one of those in existence, right? And you can’t requisition it?”
“I really think I’ll need it.”
“Nope. Sorry.”
“Okay, three military-grade rings.”
“Can’t do it. Anticornium is strictly controlled.”
“Yeah, controlled so it can be used when needed. I’ve requisitioned it before.”
“On real missions. This is a Friendship Mission , isn’t it? I’ve read the rules. Horn nullifying isn’t friendly, apparently.”
“What about sports-grade rings?”
“You’ll have to talk to the royal gamesmaster. But I can guarantee you, unless your Friendship Mission is to a stadium, it’ll be a ‘no’ from her. However, if you’re worried about Glimmer going rogue on you, I can offer a better option.”
He pulled a long wooden box out from under the counter. He opened it. Inside was a large machete.
“I can’t give you a weapon, but I can give you what I’ve officially classified as ‘a multi-function survival tool’. I call it the ‘Root Cutter’. Inspired by your first out-of-palace mission.”
“Really?”
He held it up.
“The handle is lengthened, and a custom microgroove grip has been added so that it can be easily used by hoof, mouth, or tail. It’s insulated against electricity. The butt of the handle is a reinforced blunt point, which can shatter glass, stone, or a skull. The blade weight has been increased to best take advantage of a well-exercised earth pony’s strength.”
He showed Radish the side of the blade.
“It’s made of swashbuckler steel. The trailing edge is serrated for sawing. This side has multiple angled facets made of starsilver and polished to a mirror sheen. It’s ostensibly for emergency signaling, but the reflections it makes can dazzle, distract, and blind a unicorn trying to pop off a spell. The main blade’s been chemically tempered- it’s perfect for cleanly slicing through the thickest of underbrush… or a unicorn horn, if need be.”
“I didn’t want to disable her permanently, just keep her restrained if she goes nuts on me.”
“I know everyone’s about redemption nowadays, but some ponies are beyond help. I’ve read the reports on Glimmer.”
Radish picked up the machete. He ran a hoof along its edge. Then, he looked at the Quartermaster.
“Is this some secret test of character from Celestia? She hates loopholes.”
“Nope. I crafted this with our prototyping budget. And if PC wants to tan my hide over this, so be it. I’m not going to send a guard up against a dangerous spellcaster without some kind of edge. And this edge has just been sharpened.”
“I’ll take it. And hope I’ll never have to use it.”
“Great. Oh, and I took the liberty of inscribing a slightly more inspirational motto on the other side.”
He flipped it over. In modern Ponish, it read, “You push me, I push back .”
“Remember that? It’s what you said during your cage match with Celestia. If Glimmer betrays you, it might be the last thing she ever sees.”
Radish gave the blade a practice swing. It cut the air silently.
“Thanks, Chuck. But she’s not going to see it coming.”
Radish stood outside Twilight’s castle. Somewhere inside, a criminal was waiting for him. He took a deep breath, and reached for the door. It opened before he touched it, and Twilight Sparkle was standing in front of him.
“Hi, Radish. Come in.”
He entered the foyer with her. It was darker than he remembered.
“Look, I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling, but-”
“I just want to get this over with.”
“That’s not in the spirit of Friendship Missions. And what is that?” she asked, pointing to the Root Cutter sheathed to his side.
“A multi-function survival tool.”
“That is notin the spirit of Friendship Missions, either.”
“Twilight, do I have to do this? I have actual work I need to do.”
“It’s important. It always is. The map has never steered us wrong.”
“Can I just opt out of the thing?”
“Opt out of Friendship , Radish?”
“Is there like, a ‘cancel’ button on it?”
“No. Look, I want you to play nice with Starlight. She’s very apprehensive about this. But I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt her, right?”
“Oh, I promise I won’t take any unwarranted actions against her.”
“See, when you throw in ambiguous modifiers like that, it’s like you’re giving yourself wiggle room to do whatever you want.”
“I swear, on my honor as a guard, I won’t harm her, unless I see a need to.”
“Radish!”
“Best I can do.”
“No, it’s not. Radish… I beseech you.”
“You beseech? That’s new.”
Twilight prostrated herself on the floor before Radish. He frowned.
“Get up, you’re a princess.”
“Please, Radish, I humbly beg you to see Starlight safely through this mission.”
“You don’t humble yourself for a monster.”
“Please… in the name of Friendship. Please do this for me.”
“Geez, get up.”
“Please?”
“Okay! Okay. I promise you.”
Twilight stood up and hugged him.
“Thank you!”
“You’re too good at manipulating others, you know that?”
“You were always going to say ‘yes’. I just needed to get us there while there’s daylight left.”
“Yeah. But let me be serious about one thing.”
He pulled out a bundle of envelopes from his pocket.
“If I die out there, these are letters for you six, the princesses, Spike, and some others.”
“Radish!”
He passed them to her. Twilight looked at them, horrified.
“I gave the same to Light and my folks a while ago. Just keep them safe. Don’t read any.”
“I… okay.”
“I mean it. Don’t read yours.”
“Why? I thought we already had all our cards on the table.”
“All the cards but a farewell one.”
“It won’t come to that. You’ll be fine! Come on, time’s wasting.”
Radish took a deep breath and opened the doors to the central chamber. There was the map. There was his mark. There was her mark, dancing with it. There was her.
Starlight Glimmer was at the table. Her manestyle was different, and she had noticeably put on weight. She saw Radish, and cowered a few steps back sheepishly.
“Hello, major…”
“Miss Glimmer .”
“Starlight, I believe you had something to say to Radish?”
“I’m sorry,” she said, bowing her head. “Please forgive me for what I did to you and Light.”
“No,” said Radish plainly.
“Twilight?” asked Starlight in a worried tone.
“I’m sorry, Starlight. But you can’t force forgiveness, you can only earn it,” Twilight said.
“Earn it? Haven’t I done enough? I’ve saved this whole country, including you! I even rescued the princess on your flanks! Everyone else has forgiven me! Who do you think you are!? ”
Radish let his hoof drift to his side where the Root Cutter was sheathed.
“Yeah? Try it!” she said, horn aglow.
“You two, stop!” hissed Twilight.
“This isn’t going to work, Twilight,” said Radish. “Just turn off your coffee table. I’m out of here.”
“No! You think Princess Celestia would tolerate you refusing a mission from her? You’re disrespecting my crown by refusing this one.”
“Celestia signs my checks.”
“Should I bring her here to talk about it?”
“Yeah. Go ahead.”
“No need. She’s already here.”
“Oh you’ve got to be-”
“Is that my cue? Hello, major,” said Celestia, entering the room.
Radish sighed heavily.
“Your highness,” he said, saluting.
“Radish. How are you feeling?”
“Unhappy.”
“I know. But consider the situation. If this mission goes uncompleted, this map will continue to display your cutie marks. Possibly forever.”
She looked at her own tiny image over the map. She smiled.
“Ah, hello, my old friend. Still enjoying it, I see. I sure hope Spike or the Cutie Mark Crusaders don’t come in here and see you in such a state.”
Radish scowled at the ground and muttered something under his breath.
“What was that, major?”
“I said, come on, Starlight. Let’s see what this furniture wants from us.”
“Good, that’s what I thought you said. Now, seeing as Twilight and I have a spa appointment, we’ll leave you to plan your mission. Happy trails, you two.”
She turned back before exiting the door.
“Oh, and major, Starlight- would you bring me back a souvenir? I haven’t been to the Wide Basin in fifty years.”
They nodded, and she slipped out the door.
“Spa appointment here in Ponyville?” pondered Starlight. “She has a world-class spa in her palace.”
“The mud’s earthier here,” sighed Radish. He looked at the map. “The Wide Basin, huh? No towns near the destination, nor buffalo tribes, nor anything of note. Just a bunch of meteorite craters.”
“Well, somepony’s out there, and they have a friendship problem we need to solve.”
“I didn’t join the Guard to solve friendship problems.”
“You joined the guard to do that, right?” she said, pointing at the glowing display of his cutie mark.
Radish peered at it.
“Yeah, I did. Though some days it’s like those positions are reversed.”
He glanced down at preliminary notes Twilight had already compiled.
“The next train to get us there leaves at two. You hungry?”
“Famished. But it’ll be my treat!”
“No, it’ll be hers,” Radish said, pointing at the little Celestia. “Friendship Mission expenses are covered by the palace’s account. I'm in the mood for something overpriced.”
“Ooh, a spite meal? Fun.”
Radish Root and Starlight Glimmer sat at a table on the veranda of Bluegrass, Ponyville’s fanciest restaurant. Radish had ordered the most expensive bottle of cava on the menu, and had downed most of it. Starlight Glimmer stared at him, worriedly.
“Are you allowed to drink on missions?”
“Oh, Glimpers, this isn’t a real mission. This is a Friendship Mission . Nothing matters and nobody cares. Want a bottle?”
“No. Look, I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness. I really have changed.”
Radish stared at her neck. He wondered how he could get away with it in a crowded restaurant.
“I really have done a lot of research about cutie marks. I want to share what I’ve learned. I think I have some answers for you.”
She pulled out a file folder and hovered it in front of him, leafing through its contents.
“See I don’t think cutie marks are as old as ponykind. I think they developed over time. And I think they’re still developing- evolving. And now I think your mark is a new step in that.”
“What, I’m the next evolution in ponykind? How does me fucking Celestia fit into that?”
Radish may have said this a bit too loud, and got a few too many stares from neighboring tables, but he was way beyond caring.
“I think you’re supposed to. I think you’re supposed to have foals with Princess Celestia.”
“Okay. Can you put that in writing and submit it to her? Then CC it to my fiancée, just so she’s in the loop.”
“I mean it. I think there are forces at work in our world that have designs for certain ponies, just like the map. Maybe you’re even supposed to start a dynasty together.”
“Sure. Who wouldn’t want to bring kids into a world where you’re free?”
“Radish, lay off the wine. I’m trying to do something nice for you.”
“Yeah, you’re a real saint nowadays. But it’s only because you got caught, right?”
“How dare you!”
Radish finished the bottle.
“How dare I? I’ve been Princess Celestia’s loyal royal guard for years. I’ve completed missions, saved lives, uncovered plots, and stopped enemies all in her name. And all you had to do was pause being evil for a few days, and suddenly you’re at the top of her guest list!”
“You jerk! Do you know how hard it is to go straight?”
“No, but I know how hard it is to never go crooked. It’s actually really easy! Just about everypony else in the world except you has managed it! Every guard I work with has amazingly never resorted to supervillainy! And yet you’re the one who gets parties for pretending to be less of a monster than you are!”
“You… asshole!”
“Witch!”
“Meathead!”
“Fraud!”
“You’re just a grubby little beet farmer who only got famous for the pornography on his ass!”
“Well, you’re fat .”
“Gentlecolt! Lady! Can I get you anything else?” said the waiter, approaching. “The check, perhaps?”
“Here,” said Radish, giving him his royal expense card. “And give yourself a fifty percent tip. Tipping is something us non-villains do, Miss Glimmer. But if I ever dined and dashed, I’m sure Twilight would just forgive me and throw me a parade!”
“I’m going to the train station,” hissed Starlight. “If you want to come, fine. If you want to lay on the tracks, that’s fine too!”
She gathered up her files and teleported away with a sound of thunder.
“Don’t mind her,” Radish said to the surrounding patrons. “She just had a minor inconvenience, so she’ll probably blow up the universe over it.”
A few tables away, Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia cringed behind their menus.
“Princess…”
“Twilight… I should shut this down now.”
“Please don’t. This is all part of the process of a Friendship Mission. I swear, they’ll come out of it as tight friends, and the world will be better for it. Besides, I actually never put an alcohol restriction on Friendship Missions. And I guess I never set limits on expenses, either. Radish is good at finding loopholes, isn’t he?”
“That was a bottle of Casa Cursi he just expensed. The last one I had we opened at your coronation.”
“Princess, do you think he was right? Am I cheapening the goodness of loyal guard ponies by over-celebrating reformed villains? Why should anypony want to be a guard, if being an ex-criminal is more rewarding?”
“Twilight… you may be right. Perhaps the guards are due more reward. Did you have something in mind?”
“Maybe we could throw them a big party?”
“I think they’d prefer something more material.”
Radish finished his meal and signed the bill. He left the restaurant. Princess Celestia floated his bill to herself and read it. She swore in a most un-princess-like fashion.
“You know, Twilight, sometimes Radish really gets my goat.”
“He’s just frustrated with you.”
“Well, I’m not going to sleep with him.”
“Princess! I meant because of the mission!”
“Oh. Yes.”
“Princess, I’ve always been too afraid to bring it up… but now I think we’re closer than ever, more friends than a student and teacher. So I have to know, what are your feelings on Radish’s cutie marks?”
“I’ve come to terms with them. I still don’t understand them, but I am at peace with them. I will always be Radish’s friend, though if he thinks I’m paying for three appetizers-”
“All my research has hit dead ends, too. I don’t know where Starlight got what she was saying.”
“Perhaps she was trying to curry favor with him by telling him what he wants to hear.”
“But she said he should have foals with you.”
Celestia looked at Twilight, displeased.
“I’m sorry. That’s none of my business.”
“Twilight… cards on the table. Do you think I should have had sex with Radish? Fulfilled his cutie marks? Did I deny him his destiny?”
“Oh! Uh, I don’t think you should feel obligated, just because you’re on his mark.”
“What if it was my obligation? What if fate really ordained that we should start a dynasty?”
“Princess… have you ever actually had feelings for Radish?”
Celestia sat back. She smiled.
“There have been times when I’ve found him quite endearing. He has many qualities I would look for in a partner.”
“Aww.”
Celestia looked over Radish’s bill again.
“And then there are times when I couldn’t want a guy less. Look at this- he got the gold-flaked ice cream and barely touched it. I should sleep with every other guard just to spite him.”
“Uh…”
“Of course, Radish isn’t even on the market anymore. That ship has sailed.”
“Princess…”
“And Luna has this ‘Champion’ thing of hers going on with him. I swear, sometimes I don’t know if her feelings toward him are patronal, maternal, or amorous. In any case, it could cause a rift between us.”
“Princess Celestia!”
“And really, am I to believe that taking Radish to bed is supposed to do something? Like he’s the key and I’m the keyhole for some grand magical event? Is that all we amount to? And if so, why fight it? Twilight, I’ve been less vexed by issues regarding foreign relations.”
“Have you decided, your highness?”
Celestia turned around to see the waiter with a pen and notepad.
“I…”
“On what to order, I mean,” he quickly said.
“Sorry, I need a bit more time. With the menu, I mean.”
After a four-hour train ride and three hours of hiking, Radish Root and Starlight Glimmer reached the lip of a large crater in the middle of the Wide Basin. Nothing was inside it but cracked earth. The sun was starting to set.
Radish took a swig from his canteen. “Okay. This is the closest to the point on the map as I can figure. And what a surprise, there’s no one here.”
“We both knew this was going to happen, right?” Starlight sighed.
“Yeah. The friendship problem is us- so the map is forcing us to spend time with each other in a harsh environment. We’ll probably run into some kind of danger and have to rely on each other to survive, thus solidifying a bond between us.”
“That’s psychotic. What does that map think it is?”
“I’m not a fan, either,” Radish said.
“I bet you have some secret trick to defeating that map, huh?”
“It’s just a table. We could always smash it.”
“Twilight would be pissed,” noted Starlight.
“Well, we could cover it in barbecue sauce just before night falls. Spike eats while sleepwalking. He would gobble it up, and no one could get too mad at him.”
“Wow, that’s crazy manipulative.”
“Yeah, real villainous, huh?”
She frowned at him.
“Let’s just wait it out the clock, then go home,” Radish said. “We’ve got supplies for four days.”
“Four days in this crater?”
“Yeah. We should dig a latrine.”
“Oh, gross.”
“Yes, that’s the worst part about this mission.”
Radish unpacked his bags and started setting up a campsite. Starlight put a package on the ground and yanked a pull cord. It expanded into a frilly purple two-tiered tent.
“Nice, huh? Rarity lent it to me.”
“It’s cute.”
Radish laid out a bedroll on the crater’s slope and laid back on it, staring at the twilit horizon.
“You’re just going to sleep in the open?”
“I’m not going to sleep at all. I’ll keep watch at night. Then you can keep watch during the day while I sleep.”
“What? We’ll barely see each other, then.”
“Oh no, a flaw in the plan.”
“So you trust me to keep you safe while you sleep?”
“Well… I don’t have much choice. If you kill me, the Guard knows where you live.”
“And you’ll protect me from harm all through the night? Like how you guard Celestia and Luna?”
“Yeah, just like that.”
“Aww, that’s really sweet. Careful, major- maybe the map really wants us to fall in love .”
“Then it should have told you to pack deodorant.”
“Hey, it’s like a thousand degrees out here. Look… can we ever be friends? Is there anything I can do to make you forgive me?”
“You got me arrested.”
“You really did show your cutie marks in public, though. Things only got out of control because our justice system is broken.”
“You blasted out of prison.”
“Nopony was hurt. And I could only manage that because our prison system is broken.”
“You freed convicts to cover your escape.”
“Just dumb thugs. They were all recaptured within the week. It’s not like I freed Discord or something. Oh yeah, Celestia did that.”
“You. Hurt. Light .”
“Can I make it up to her?”
“You’re not going anywhere near her.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?”
“Live with yourself anyway.”
“Twilight says there are no two beings that can’t become friends if they try.”
“Twilight is… optimistic.”
“Not as optimistic as a guard who thought Celestia would sleep with him.”
Radish scowled at her. She shrugged.
“Can’t believe I’m banned from the map room,” Spike grumbled to himself. “I have a seat in there too.”
He entered Twilight’s study and clambered up onto her desk chair. There was a stack of envelopes on her desk.
“Hey, what's this?”
He flipped through them.
“Wow, these are all from Radish, and there’s one for everyone. Even the princesses! I'll just help him out with these.”
He fanned them out and blew fire over all of them. Multiple trails of smoke flew out the window and split, heading in several directions. Spike then clawed open the one addressed to him.
“‘Spike, if you’re reading this, then I have died. ’ Wait, what? Uh oh.”
He looked out the window. He returned to the letter. He finished reading it while half-muttering the words aloud.
“Give up on Rarity? Find someone who appreciates what I have to offer? What are you talking about, Radish?”
Radish put a jalapeño chew in his mouth and sucked.
“What are those?” Starlight asked.
“Jalapeño chews.”
“May I try one?”
“They’re spicy.”
“I can handle a little spice.”
“Okay. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
She took one and ate. Radish readied his camera. She scrunched up her face, and Radish took a snapshot.
“Mffph!”
She spit it out.
“That was awful.”
“I warned you.”
She eyed the bag of chews.
“How about this- if I can finish the rest of the bag without spitting any out, you have to accept my apology and be my friend.”
“I promised Pinkie Pie I wouldn’t use food to hurt others.”
“And if I can’t finish it, I’ll carry your bags on the way back.”
“And replace the chews.”
“Deal!”
“Okay. Let’s see you try.”
She took the bag, then stuffed a clump of the candy into her mouth. She shut her mouth and chewed.
Radish advanced his camera’s roll and held it at the ready.
She narrowed her eyes at him and chewed defiantly. Sweat poured down her face. She leaned back, her eyes tearing up and her nose running. Radish took a picture.
She shuddered, spit out the chewed mass, then dove for her canteen. She chugged her water until she coughed hoarsely.
She hunched over and made a series of strained whimpering sounds. She fell onto her side, clutching her gut. Radish took another photo.
“Ugggh… I give up.”
“Oh, darn. So much for our big Friendship Mission.”
“Friendship Mission? What’s that?” called a loud voice over the ridge. They turned to see. A tall beige earth stallion in desert gear was standing over them.
“Howdy there!” called Radish.
“Howdy yourself! I hope I’m not disturbing your camping trip.”
Radish would have preferred to stay undercover and lie that he really was camping, but one of the protocols of a Friendship Mission was that one had to be open and honest with strangers, no matter how bad of an idea it was.
“Actually, I’m a royal guard on a mission. This is my attaché.”
“Enchanté, attaché,” he said, doffing his hat to Starlight.
“And you are?” she asked suspiciously.
“A meteorite hunter! This area gets more than anywhere else. And they contain precious metals, unique gems, and sometimes more otherworldly prizes.”
“Well, we’re not here to jump on any claims,” Radish said. “We got a sort of distress call from here. Do you know anypony who needs help out here?”
“Actually, I do!”
“You do? Who?”
“You two!”
He hurled a glass vial at Starlight’s feet. It burst into a dense green gas. She reared up shouting in surprise, then fell over unconscious.
Radish was already behind the pony, holding the Root Cutter to his throat.
“For your sake, she had better survive whatever that was.”
“Why? She’s just a villain, biding her time until she can betray everyone again.”
“She’s under my protection. I gave my word.”
“Can’t help you there.”
A white pegasus dropped out of the sky next to Starlight. He put his boot on her neck.
“Drop the weapon.”
“It’s a multi-function survival tool.”
He pressed his hoof down. Starlight’s breathing became agonal.
“Okay!” said Radish, dropping the Root Cutter. The earth pony grabbed his hoof and tossed him into the crater. Another glass vial snapped next to him, and Radish held his breath. The pegasus stomped on Radish’s stomach, causing him to gasp in the gas.
Radish was out.
Apple Bloom entered the kitchen of the Sweet Apple Acres farmhouse with an envelope on her head.
“Sis, you got a letter from Mr. Root. Spike flamed it here.”
“Huh, lemme see that.”
Applejack opened the letter and read aloud.
“Dear Applejack, by the time you read this, I will be… dead?! What in the-!”
“…and while I regret that we did not spend as much time together as we could have, I cherish the times we did… ” read Fluttershy. She curled up into a ball, and Angel hugged her tight.
“…though you and I were pretty different, that was never an impediment to any two being becoming friends, ” read a teary-eyed Pinkie Pie. “I always held the utmost respect for you… ”
“…your talents, your bravery, and your unwavering commitment to making Equestria a better place for all… ” read Rarity, taking off her glasses to wipe her eyes.
“…whatever ultimately happened to me, I would ask that you let it go. Even if my death was the result of the actions of others, I do not want you to seek revenge, but to live your life and find your own happiness… ” Rainbow Dash read, looking up from the letter and out of her window. She sniffled. “I will, buddy. I will.”
“…because I cared about you, in ways I cannot adequately put to pen... ” read Luna to Celestia.
“…or fully understand myself. I can only hope I enriched your life even a fraction of how much you enriched mine… ” read Celestia to Luna. “Goodbye, my dear friend. Sincerely, Major Radish Root. ”
The two sisters looked at each other. They hugged. Then, a new letter rode into their throne room on smoke.
“Please disregard the previous letter, ” read Celestia. “it was delivered prematurely. ”
“I am going to kill Spike for this,” said Luna.
“Not until I’m done with him.”
Radish awoke in a deep pit.
He looked over himself. He had been stripped of everything, even his clothes. He brushed the fur over his cutie marks. Whoever had stripped him, had seen them. His engagement band was gone.
“Son of a nag,” he grumbled, looking skyward. The pit was over five meters wide and thirty meters tall. The opening was a circle of light crisscrossed by bars. The walls and floor were pumice.
“Hello up there!”
No response.
“I’m a major in the Royal Guard! By kidnapping me, you have made yourselves the enemies of the most powerful ponies in the world, and they know where we are! Free me now, and I can make things easier on you! But if you hurt Glimmer, I’ll pay you back triple!”
No response.
Radish sighed. He walked over to a wall and smashed his hoof into it, forming a circular hoof hold. He smashed another, then another. He started to climb. Cracks formed in the wall between holds and it collapsed, sending him back to the floor in a shower of pumice shards.
A silhouette appeared in the opening above him.
“Having fun down there?” it called.
“Laugh a minute! Who are you?”
“I told you! I’m a meteorite hunter!” he answered.
“In case it needed to be said, we’re not meteorites!”
“No, but you’re a valuable couple of stars!”
“Where is she?”
“You mean, where’s Starlight Glimmer? Asleep.”
“What is this about?”
“Power! What else?” the meteorite hunter laughed, then vanished.
“Get back here!”
He didn’t. Radish sat and took stock of his situation.
In a pit. No tools except pumice shards. Won’t be reported missing for days.
I could try to go back to sleep, warn Luna. Unless it’s day now, and she’s not working.
There was that time Cadance felt my despair and homed in on me. But she was already looking for me.
Starlight is supposedly friends with Discord. I could try to call out to him.
Radish shuddered.
Nope. Not doing that.
So what now? They want me for something. I just need to wait for their next move.
A rope ladder fell in front of Radish.
Oh, there it is.
Radish reached the top of the pit, where the covering grate had been pulled off to the side. He emerged into a wide, short room with roughly-hewn rock walls, evidently inside a cave. The earth pony was there, Root Cutter in hoof.
“So, now what?” Radish asked, annoyed.
The earth pony pointed the machete toward a door.
“Thataway.”
He goaded Radish down a hall, through more doors, into a massive cavern of mesh metal catwalks suspended over a deep black pit. The top of the room was a rocky hole gaping open to the night sky. Radish wondered if he was in a dormant volcano.
Suspended in the center of the room was a massive machine. Pipes, wires, and odder conduits flowed from one strange blocky component to another. Several of these components looked like glass tanks, inside of which various crystals and stones were wired or suspended in murky fluid. Around the base of it all was an elaborate control station, with a porthole-like viewer. The machine hummed, whined, and occasionally sputtered out steam. A continuous-feed printer was spitting out a long roll of readings, which folded neatly into a collecting bin. Several pointed multicolored crystals jutted out of the top of the machine, pointing to the night sky.
Radish took it all in, feeling as overwhelmed as the first time he saw Canterlot. Then, he noticed one of the glass tanks bolted onto the center machine. Starlight was unconscious inside it. It was full of a green gas, like the gas used to knock out her and Radish. She was bound, gagged, and blindfolded. Electrodes had been attached to her head, chest, cutie marks, and horn.
“If you’ve hurt her-”
“I’d have done the world a favor.”
“What is all this?”
“We call it the Crystal Radioscope.”
“What’s it do?”
“Oh, a lot of fun stuff, all related to crystals. Like that crystal map of Twilight’s. Just a few buttons pushed, and it can dance to our tune.”
“You took control of the map somehow? Created a fake Friendship Mission? Lured the two of us out here?”
“That’s right.”
“Why?”
“We needed Starlight’s power. With her plugged into this, we can boost its range and abilities significantly. We could affect crystals all over Equestria in more ways than ever before- alter their functions, move them, mutate them, even destroy them.”
“To what end?”
“Imagine, holding the Crystal Empire for ransom by threatening to shut off the Crystal Heart. Or all of Central Equestria by threatening to shut down the Elements of Harmony, where they now keep the Everfree in check. Heck, we could probably hold the palace itself hostage by threatening to erupt the crystal mines it's built on. There are so many crystals around the world that do so many things, and we’ll be able to do what we want with all of them.”
“This isn’t going to work. You can’t just extort entire kingdoms and get away with it. The crowns would be on you in seconds.”
“They’ll do what we want. We could also affect the Crystal Ponies, as well. Imagine them dropping, one after the other, their little crystal organs shutting down, the streets full of them begging for the pain to stop.”
“You’re sick.”
“I’m just following my talent. We all have our talents, major,” he said, twisting his body to show off his cutie mark, a burst of sparks emanating from a geode. “Mine is working with piezoelectricity. Crystals don’t have to be just the playthings of unicorns and their magic. A pony with enough scientific knowledge can do amazing things with them as well.”
“Yet you still needed Starlight’s magic.”
“Only because you blew up our starcium.”
Radish narrowed his eyes.
“The heists? All four of them? You and that pegasus? All that starcium was for this thing?”
The stranger sighed.
“We had it all planned out. One ingot for the conduits, one for the cooling system, one for the transmitters, and one for the power source. Thanks to you, we had to seek that power source in meteorites and evil unicorns.”
“It was that delivery girl who set off the starcium. She was a friend of yours?”
“Well, temporary hire. We paid her more in a day than she could make in a month as a pilot.”
“Yeah? Who’s funding all this?”
“Not the Wagoners, if that’s what you’re worried about. Nah, we secured our funding the old-fashioned way: went to Las Pegasus, used a piezoelectric device to manipulate slot machines, and left town with fat sacks of bits.”
“And that’s not enough for you? What more could you want out of life?”
“We want a seat at the table. A say in how Equestria is run. Money can’t buy that, but this machine can guarantee it.”
“What would you do differently than the princesses?”
“Oh, we’ve got a whole manifesto written up. But trust me, it’ll be a better status quo.”
“Why summon me with Starlight? You could have drawn her out here alone.”
“As a deterrent against outside intervention. It’s an open secret that you’re the lover of Celestia, Luna, and Twilight Sparkle. What better way to keep them at bay than holding the stallion they all love hostage?”
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Some say Cadenza as well, but I doubt that. How about it? Have you completed the princess quadfecta?”
Radish stared at him.
“No. I hardly ever see Cadance.”
“Oh well. Play your part, and you might live to bed her, too.”
“What’s my part?”
“For now? Answer some questions. How did you know to investigate the Hooveston airship port that day? Who tipped you off?”
“I’m not telling you squat.”
The earth pony looked up at his device.
“Talk, or I’ll have the map start sending your friends to places where they’re sure to die. Twilight trusts the map implicitly, doesn’t she? She won’t even question what’s going on until everyone’s dead.”
Radish grit his teeth. He sized up his captor, working out the way to disarm him and take him down.
“Stop sizing me up. You can’t disarm me or take me down after what you were breathing. Now, who tipped you off? Tell me, or Scootaloo will go look for a friendship problem in a lava field.”
“I still don’t understand it myself. We got some kind of… warning. Maybe magic, I don’t know. Lights and sounds pointing us to the building.”
“Lights and sounds? Wait, you mean through that girl’s communication device?”
“You know about that?”
“Just rumors. We’d love to get our hooves on something like that.”
“Yeah, it looked neat.”
“It must have been keying into signals from our own starcium detector. Blast it! Of all the luck.”
“You had a starcium detector in Hooveston that day?”
“We had to make sure we were following the real ingots and not some decoys.”
“So we detected your detector? You accidentally clued us into your own heist? That’s pretty funny.”
“Not to me. And Glimmer isn’t laughing, either.”
Radish narrowed his eyes.
“Well, next point of business,” said the earth pony. Let’s talk about this.”
He threw down the file folder Starlight had tried to show him at lunch. Radish frowned.
“That’s nothing. Just her playing games with me.”
“Her research is pretty thorough. She shows her work. And her conclusion is that you’re Celestia’s fated mate. Lucky dog, you.”
“There’s no such thing as a fated mate.”
“Maybe, maybe not. But if Celestia believes it, you’re irreplaceable to her. That gives us a lot of leverage.”
“Celestia knows I’d die before I let myself be used against her.”
“That’s the leverage! Now, tell me about these.”
He pulled out a small stack of notecards bound by a ring. He tossed them at Radish’s chest. Radish took them and flipped through them.
“What are these?”
“You tell me. Glimmer had them in her bag.”
The cards each had one or a few words on them- The Sea of Omens. Better Spirits. Metal wolf. Shortshadow. Helianthus latifolia. Stirrupism. Would you rather? I spy.
Twilight had given Starlight a stack of ice-breaker topics and conversational games for the trip into the Wide Basin. Starlight hadn’t used a single one. Radish chewed the inside of his cheek.
“It’s nothing.”
“And these?”
He threw photographs down at Radish’s hooves. They were the ones Radish took of Starlight in jalapeño-induced pain.
“You developed my film? That was a new roll!”
“What’s wrong with her? Is she sick? I need her healthy for this.”
“Deathly ill. Better take her out of there.”
“You’re lying.”
“She’s pregnant. Please, for mercy’s sake, let her out.”
“If that were true, you would have said that first.”
“She ate my jalapeño candy. She’ll shit it out in your machine.”
“That’s gross, but I’m not taking her out over it.”
“You know, she’s been in worse traps than this. She got out of those.”
“She won’t get out of this one alive.”
“You said you just wanted to siphon her power!”
“Not indefinitely. The machine needs a kick start. That means we need one big boost, not a trickle. We’re going to suck it all out of her at once.”
“Killing her!?”
“I guess. I’ve never done it before.”
“Take me instead.”
“You’re an earth pony with a cutie mark nopony understands. The machine needs a boost of crystal-amplifying magic, not whatever it is you’re good at.”
“I’m pretty good at beating penny-ante villains.”
“There’s nothing penny-ante about this. Tell me what the cards mean.”
Radish looked back at them.
“They’re a one-time pad of identifying call signs. Starlight Glimmer had a network of allies all over Equestria, and this is how she communicated with them. We were working on bringing them into the fold until your phony friendship mission dragged us out here.”
“What does each one mean?”
“Only she knows. If you want to know, you better keep her alive.”
“No, I don’t really care that much about her stooges.”
“Speaking of stooges, is anypony else here, or is it just you and that pegasus?”
“You’re trying to measure your opposition. Just like in your cage match with Celestia.”
“Know about that, huh?”
“I have the Nightmare Root figure. The one for Crepuscular Haze, too. Never thought they’d be on the same side.”
“Time makes fools of us all. And so does Twilight Sparkle.”
“Imagine what I could do to her castle! Bring it down on top of her and her friends! Or detonate it and lay waste to all of Ponyville!”
“I have been imagining. I’m not liking what I'm picturing.”
“Speaking of which…”
Radish’s captor looked down to fish something out of his bag. Radish charged at him.
Radish was knocked on his back by a flurry of white. The pegasus was on him. Radish seized the pegasus’s neck and squeezed. He felt six stabbing pains in his sides. The pain increased until Radish yelped and let go.
The pegasus dragged him through the air and dropped him on a small platform suspended over the abyss by wires. He landed on the rail of a nearby catwalk and spread his wings. Six of his primary feathers each had a small blade attached to the tip. Radish looked down at the corresponding cuts in his sides.
“Don’t worry. I’d never wreck those works of art on your flanks.”
“Thanks. My friends like them. How’ve you been? I think I last left you on fire and diving for the Gulf of Mexicolt?”
“Yeah, nice to see you again, too. That was a perfectly nice outfit you ruined, and after I saved your life.”
“Well, I’m not sorry. Is this the reason you couldn’t let me die? Just to end up as your hostage now?”
“Yep! And it’s paid dividends! The future father of Celestia’s children as our hostage! I wish I could see the look on her face when she hears it.”
“Glimmer’s wrong. Celestia and I have no destiny together.”
“Don’t worry. Once we take the thrones, the two of you can have whatever relationship you want under our benevolent rule.”
“Benevolent rulers don’t carry blades.”
“No, they pay guards to carry them, right?”
The pegasus turned to his partner.
“We doing this now, Ray?”
“Ray, huh? That short for something?” asked Radish.
“Range Tracer,” replied the earth pony. “No need to keep it a secret. We’re about to give everything away. Here.”
He dropped a small white crystal to the ground. He walked over to the machine’s control panel and activated several buttons and switches. The pegasus flew over to a cabinet and pulled out a movie camera. He pointed it at his partner and started rolling.
“This is Range Tracer.”
“This is Mont Blanc!” said the pegasus, turning the camera to his face, then back to his partner.
“Hello, Celestia, remember us? Well, check out how far we’ve come!” he said, gesturing to the device behind him. “That's right, we've built something your mages could only dream of: a long-range electromechanical crystal-resonant frequency manipulator!” But that’s not all- look what else we have.”
Mont Blanc focused the camera on Starlight Glimmer’s unconscious, imprisoned body.
“We’ve got your protégé’s protégé.”
He then turned it to Radish, where he was trapped on his platform.
“And we’ve got your boyfriend,” said Mont Blanc in a singsong voice. He turned the camera back to Range Tracer, then at the crystal before him.
“An ordinary piece of quartz,” said Range Tracer. “One of the most common crystals in the world. It can be found anywhere. It’s used in so many things- watches, jewelry, art, scientific equipment… the list goes on. Watch it now.”
Range Tracer flipped some switches. The quartz vibrated, then hovered. Then it flew at Radish. He barely ducked it as it whizzed past him. It stopped midair, then flew at Radish again and again. Each time, Radish dodged it. Then, it froze in the air in front of him. The crystal turned brown and released putrid black smoke along with an angry hiss. Radish backed away from it, and it followed him to the edge of the platform.
“I can do whatever I want with it. With any crystal. You know what that means, don’t you? You want to save Equestria? Save Glimmer? Save Raddy-boy? Let’s start the negotiations. Send a pigeon with your response. I’ll send out a signal it can home in on. Send anything but a pigeon, Root pays.”
Mont Blanc turned the camera back to Radish and zoomed in on him. Radish looked into the lens.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t protect her.”
“Ah, that’s the money shot. What do you think, Monty?” asked Range Tracer.
The pegasus lowered his camera.
“Not bad. But let’s get some B-roll. We could get reaction shots of Radish- really show the terror in his eyes. And I’d love to get a desperate declaration of love to at least one princess.”
“If you send them a threat, they’ll send in AG1 to take you down!” Radish called.
“I’m not afraid of a party planner and a dressmaker!” laughed Range Tracer.
“That’s everypony’s mistake!”
The quartz caught fire and dropped in front of Radish. He kicked it into the abyss.
“Ah, overheated it,” said Range Tracer. “More where that came from.”
Range Tracer flipped a switch, and Radish’s platform shifted over to a catwalk. Radish climbed on it to see Range Tracer now holding the Root Cutter in his face.
“Now, while we start negotiations with the crowns, you’ll wait back in your pit.”
“There’s no bathroom down there.”
“Sorry, you’ll have to make do.”
“But there was something useful in it, though.”
Radish shook a pumice shard out of his tail and bucked it at Range Tracer’s face. He flinched and instinctively swatted the Root Cutter at it. It exploded into black dust, and while Range Tracer coughed on it, Radish seized him and threw him off the catwalk. He plunged into the abyss. The Root Cutter clattered to the catwalk.
The pegasus dove to rescue his partner. Radish picked up the Root Cutter and ran to Starlight’s glass prison. He shielded his eyes and bashed the case open with the butt of the handle. The green gas hissed out, and Radish held his breath. Starlight fell out of the case, her electrodes ripping free. Radish caught her and lowered her to the metal floor. He sliced off her bindings and slapped her face.
“Wake up, Glimmer! You know that danger that’s supposed to make us friends? We’re deep in it!”
A gale of pegasus wind blew Radish away from her. He landed on a catwalk, gripping one of its rails. Mont Blanc landed in front of him.
Radish picked up the Root Cutter and assumed the two-legged royal sword-fighting stance. The pegasus eyed him warily. He fanned out his feathers and brandished his blades. The two sized each other up.
“Stand down, major,” called Range Tracer. He was holding his hooves around Starlight’s neck. She was still unconscious.
“Hear that? He doesn’t think you can beat me,” sneered Radish. “He’s asking me to let you win.”
“Just put her back in the machine. I’ll be done with this in a second,” said the pegasus to his partner.
“Monty, no. Don’t play his game. He’s a guard with weapons training.”
“I’m not afraid of a guard. Nopony else is. The Royal Guard is a joke.”
He grinned, then swiped at Radish, who parried the blades with his machete. Radish struck, and forced him back. Radish advanced with several thrusts, and Mont Blanc hopped back to get some distance.
Radish approached him. Mont Blanc swiped at Radish furiously with his blades, and Radish blocked each one. He flew over Radish, who leapt and sliced his tail off. Mont Blanc landed awkwardly, then watched his tail fall into the pit with rage in his eyes.
“Joke, huh? Sorry, it went over my head,” said Radish with a grin.
Mont Blanc grinned, as well. He slashed at Radish, who slashed back. The clanging of their blades echoed through the room. They dueled back and forth across the catwalk as Range Tracer watched. Starlight’s left eye opened slowly.
Radish dodged and weaved as the six wing blades came at him from all directions. He knocked each one back with trained precision.
“Admit it- you’re having fun,” Mont Blanc said.
“You know this is the first time I’ve dueled an armed villain? You train your whole life for it, but you never realize what it’s really like until you do it.”
“And you’re fighting to save a fair damsel in distress, too!”
“Eh. Kind of fat, isn’t she?”
“Hey!” yelled Starlight, jerking to consciousness.
Mont Blanc was caught off guard by the shout and turned his head. Radish thrust forth and sliced the feathers off his left wing.
“My wing!” he howled, reeling back and looking at the stubs.
“You’ll be fine. You’ll molt new feathers in what, a year?”
“A year on the ground!”
“Yeah, how awful.”
“Enough!” howled Range Tracer.
He throttled Starlight. She struggled and raged. Her horn sparked up, and fizzled out. She gasped in exhaustion.
“Nope. Not after what you’ve been breathing. Now, major, drop the multi-function survival tool into the hole, or she stops breathing entirely.”
Mont Blanc warily approached Radish, brandishing his remaining blades.
“Empty threat,” called Radish. “You need her.”
“No, I don’t. I can always lure in Twilight Sparkle here. She’s got plenty of juice in her.”
Starlight squirmed. Range Tracer pressed his hooves.
“Stop. What do you say, major? Should I just waste this one and stick your lover in the machine?”
Starlight raised an eyebrow.
“You kill her, I’ll kill you both,” declared Radish.
Range Tracer crushed his hooves into Starlight’s neck. She struggled to breathe.
“Okay!” Radish said, holding up his blade. He tossed it over the rail, but Mont Blanc reached and snagged it out of the air. Held it in his hooves, admiring it.
“Monty, let that thing go,” called Range Tracer.
“No. He took something from me, I take something from him. Like what it says on the side!”
He held it up to show his partner the motto embossed on the blade. Radish caught his distorted reflections in its other side. He looked haggard and filthy.
“Besides, this is nice,” said Mont Blanc. “I bet Chuck hoof-made this himself.”
“You know Chuck?” asked Radish.
“Of course. We were Royal Engineers. We worked at his side, for all the good it did. Celestia never cared about outfitting her guards with the latest and greatest in weapons technology. Let me guess, you guards are still using those ridiculous collapsible spears?”
“They grow on you.”
“You could have been outfitted with piezoelectrified armor and weapons by now if we had our way. Would have come in handy during… well, every single disaster that’s hit the palace so far.”
“So what happened?”
“You’ll have to ask Celestia. She gave us one ‘no’ after another until we quit.”
“Heh, I guess you know what that’s like, major?” Range Tracer laughed.
Radish looked at his cutie marks. Starlight giggled despite herself. Radish shot her an angry glance. She then strained and tried to light up her aura around her captor, but her magic fizzled out again.
“Keep trying, you’ll get it,” sneered Range Tracer.
“Now, major, scoot. Back to your cell,” said Mont Blanc.
“Okay, but I won that fight,” Radish said.
Mont Blanc laughed. He pointed his remaining blades and directed Radish to the exit. They walked past Range Tracer, who was still gripping Starlight.
“Sorry, Starlight,” Radish sighed.
“I’m sorry, too,” she said.
She tried to light her horn. The aura glowed more steadily. Range Tracer slapped it with his hoof.
“Don’t. Everypony knows to disrupt any unicorn spell, you impact the horn. And we need your horn intact from impact. For another few minutes, anyway.”
Radish growled. He bent low and bucked Mont Blanc with both hind legs. The pegasus went flying into his partner, and both slammed against the machine and fell to the floor. Radish charged at them and leapt upon them in a fury.
The three stallions grappled. Range Tracer held Radish from behind with all four legs. Mont Blanc drew the Root Cutter up to Radish’s throat and pressed it into his flesh.
“You just don’t quit, do you!?” he scolded. “We’ve already got the film, we don’t need you alive that badly!”
Radish felt the blade slicing into his hide.
“Hey!” called Starlight.
The three stallions looked up. Starlight had scrabbled to the edge of the pit. Her eyes met with Radish’s.
“Radish! Tell Light I’m sorry! Tell Twilight… thank you.”
“What?”
She leaned back, tipped over the ledge, and fell into the darkness below.
“No!” howled Radish.
“Dumb bitch!” yelled, Mont Blanc, climbing off of Radish. He tried to take flight, momentarily forgetting he only had one good wing.
“Damn it!” cried Range Tracer. He kicked Radish away and rushed to the console. He desperately slapped buttons, pulled levers, and spun dials.
Great cracking sounds emanated from the pit. Chunks of rock and and clods of earth laden with crystals of various shapes and colors flew up from inside the hole. A mess of brown crystals floated into view with Starlight tangled in them. She struggled to get free.
“Caught you,” mocked Range Tracer. “Sorry, but the only sacrifice you’re making is to this machine.”
Starlight looked at him with defiance in her eyes. She closed her eyes and lit up her horn.
Range Tracer’s eyes widened in panic. He turned back to the controls.“Oh, you better not-”
A wave of bright blue light expanded from her horn’s tip and filled the room.
Radish felt a freezing cold wind blast over his body. He shut his eyes and gripped the ground until it subsided.
A thin layer of ice now covered everything in the room except himself and Starlight. Icicles hung off of most of the catwalks. Range Tracer and Mont Blanc were sheathed in ice, still as statues.
Radish walked over to Starlight, who was still trapped in the hovering crystals, exhausted and shivering.
He held out a hoof.
She reached out and took it. He pulled her free and set her next to him.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I feel dizzy.”
She tried to stand, but her hooves gave away. She fell over. Radish caught her, brushed the ice off a chair in front of the control panel, and sat her into it.
“Just rest,” he said. He looked at their captors. “How long will that hold them?”
“In the desert? They’ll thaw out pretty soon. Hey, you’re bleeding!”
Radish felt his throat. He looked down at his hoof. It was dripping with blood.
“It’s nothing. It’ll stop.”
“No, don’t be a tough guy. Here.”
She pulled a first aid kit off the console, opened it, and applied disinfectant to his cut.
“Ach! That stings.”
“Yeah, well, you called me fat.”
She bandaged his wound, then looked over at the frozen duo. “What do we do with them?”
“Lock them in the same pit they had me in. We’ll leave some food and water with them. It should last until somepony gets here to collect them.”
“Was there a bathroom in the pit?”
“No.”
“Serves them right. Think all that stuff they said about working at the palace was true?”
“We’ll find out when we report them.”
Radish recounted what Starlight had missed as he moved the villains with a dolly. He lowered them into the pit with provisions they had stored in the cave. He locked the grate.
He returned to the room containing the Crystal Radioscope, where the ice was melting into the abyss below. Starlight was still trying to stand. He looked up at the device. The freeze spell hadn’t seemed to have affected it, and its parts continued to hum, whirr, and light up.
“We need to disable this thing before we go. Know anything about long-range electromechanical crystal-resonant frequency manipulators?”
“No, but I know about those,” she said, pointing to a glass capsule attached to the machine. There was a large spiky red crystal wired inside. “That’s an astral sard. They produce a ton of power. Some cities use them in public works projects.”
“Is it safe?”
“Safer with us than in here.”
“Well, Celestia did ask us for a souvenir.”
Radish used the Root Cutter to break it out. The whole of the machine powered down and went silent. He held the crystal in his hooves.
“Huh. It’s warm.”
“Some say they’re formed when light from the sun meets light from the furthest star.”
“So it’s not quite a piece of the sun, but it’s kind of like… a child of the sun.”
Starlight laughed.
“The sun and her longshot partner. Sounds familiar, huh?” Starlight said, winking at Radish.
“Starlight, I’m not having kids with Celestia. I love Light.”
“Could you please talk to her about that sculpture she made of me? It’s horrible.”
“I don’t censor my fiancée. Also, you can’t prove she made that.”
“Well, then, could you at least ask her to make a hero version of Crepuscular Haze? Last time I was in the palace, tourist kids pointed at me and called me a villain. They said Nightmare Root was coming to kick my butt.”
“Villains sell better. Can you stand?”
She tried. Her hooves trembled. She leaned against the console for support.
“Barely.”
“You can levitate, right?”
“Uh…”
She put her aura around herself, and lifted herself a bit off the ground. Her aura died out and she thumped to the floor.
“Not anytime soon. That ice spell drained me.”
“Okay, then. Here.”
He put the astral sard in his bag, and then hoisted her and put her over his back. She dangled over him. He started for the door.
“What, you’re going to carry me back to civilization?”
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Then I can’t be that fat, can I?”
“No.”
“Are we friends now?”
“Apparently. Look.”
He nodded to his side. Glows were emanating from their cutie marks.
“I thought this Friendship Mission was a hoax,” she said.
“I guess the map still counted it as real.”
“So we are friends now! At least in the map’s eyes.”
“The map has eyes?”
“Ha. I hope not. So… are we really good?”
“You’ve done some awful things.”
“I know.”
“But I have princesses to protect. If they call you an ally, I can’t waste energy fighting them on it.”
“Yeah?”
“So, here’s the deal- if you make peace with Light, I can be at peace with you.”
“Oh. Yikes.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll try.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, look! Our stuff!” she said, pointing. Their equipment was piled up on metal shelves against the cave wall. Radish put Starlight down and rushed to dig through it.
“Yes!” he shouted.
He pulled out his engagement ring, still on its chain. He put it back around his neck and kissed it.
“Aww, sweet,” said Starlight.
He redressed in his desert gear, looking over the rest of the shelves. Their captors had evidently taken a liking to Rarity’s expanding tent, and had it set up against the wall.
“I’m not repacking that thing,” Radish said.
“I promised Rarity I would bring it back.”
“Well… if it was a promise to a friend.”
Equipped once more, they exited the cavern lair by a metal shutter. It was still night. Radish looked around. They had just exited a mountain. The crater fields of the Wide Basin stretched before them.
“Wow, they could have taken us anywhere,” Starlight said.
Radish looked up into the sky.
“Okay, there’s the North Star. And Aquarius is south of it this time of year…”
“Just follow Cygnus west,” Starlight said, pointing at the sky, “everything’s that way.”
“You can navigate by stars?”
“It’s my name, after all.”
“Huh.”
He clicked on his chest-mounted flashlight to light the ground in front of them. He carried her across the dry cracked earth. The air was cool and the night was silent.
“Wanna play I Spy?” she asked.
“Okay.”
“I spy with my little eye, something that starts with C.”
“Is it a crater?”
“You got it!”
After an hour, Radish stopped in his tracks.
“Hey, sunrise,” he said.
The sun was cresting over the horizon in the distance. It illuminated a lone cluster of buildings- the town Radish and Starlight entered the Wide Basin from.
“This is kind of nice, isn’t it?” said Starlight. She rested her chin on Radish’s head and hugged his neck.
“Watch the hooves, okay?” said Radish. “I’m an engaged stallion.”
“Oh, don’t flatter yourself. You’re not my type.”
“Let me guess, nerds are your type?”
“Yeah,” she sighed dreamily. “Wait. Who told you? Did somepony say something? Did a, uh, nerd say something?”
“It’s a popular type.”
“It’s a good type. But there are other good types, too. I heard what you said to them: ‘You kill her, I’ll kill you both .’ Nobody’s ever declared they’d avenge my death before.” she said, patting his shoulder. “That was really sweet, in a bloodthirsty way.”
“I’m sure your nerd would have said the same thing.”
“Aww. Thanks.”
She slid off his back and onto her hooves. She bent her knees and shook out her legs.
“I think I can walk now.”
“Now you can walk? We’re almost back to town.”
“Thanks for the lift.”
They entered the town and bought bus tickets to the nearest train depot.
“You know,” said Starlight, “if we tell Twilight that others were manipulating the map, it could devastate her. She’d lose all confidence in the map and the very concept of Friendship Missions.”
“Yeah.”
“I call it!”
“I call- dang.”
Twilight Sparkle paced the boards of the Ponyville train platform. A train rolled in, and she looked up apprehensively. Radish emerged from a train car with Starlight.
“Radish! Starlight! How did it go?”
Radish gave her a stack of papers.
“Here’s my preliminary report. Somepony needs to return to an abandoned mine in the Wide Basin and arrest two… mad scientists, is I guess what they were.”
“Techno-extortionists,” opined Starlight.
“What? On a Friendship Mission?”
“Oh, it wasn’t a real Friendship Mission,” said Starlight. “They remotely subverted the map’s operation to lure us into a trap.”
“What? That’s impossible!”
“Just read,” said Radish. “I have to report back to the palace. I’m bringing them a film reel.”
“Are you two at least friends now?”
Radish and Starlight looked at each other.
“We’re getting there,” said Radish.
“I think so, too,” said Starlight.
“Okay. Good.”
Radish saluted Twilight, who returned it. He reboarded the train. Twilight looked through the report Radish gave her.
“I’m sorry, Starlight, I had no idea I was putting you two in danger.”
“It’s nothing a spa day can’t make up for. Your treat.”
Radish sat in Barrel Roller’s office. She sipped coffee while reading from field reports.
“Major, we found Range Tracer and Mont Blanc right where you said we would. We’ve taken them in.”
“Good.”
“And we’ve looked over the machine. It really could do what they said it could. That thing could’ve wrecked most of the country if they got it to full power.”
“Is it being dismantled?”
“I’m having the device studied, in case someone else gets the bright idea to build one. We need to know how to counter what it can do.”
“That’s wise.”
“Root, you know what this means?”
“Ma’am?”
“You saved Equestria , Root.”
“What? No, I didn’t. Wait, did I? I did, didn’t I? I saved Equestria!”
“You’re in an exclusive club now. How’s it feel?”
“It feels… it feels… exhilarating.”
“Ride that feeling, Root. You’ve earned it.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
“But when you come back down, remember that this whole thing is classified. We can’t let the world know how easy it is to build a world-destroying superweapon.”
“Yeah, I figured.”
“We do, however, need to let the world know that the starcium crisis is over. And that Radish Root was the one who ended it. You're getting a big fancy medal ceremony for this.”
“Whatever medal I get, Starlight Glimmer gets one, too.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Okay.”
“Ma’am, Twilight doesn’t really do classified. This will be public in a day.”
“No, she's kept top secrets before."
"Really? What about?"
"Can't tell you, Root. They're top secret."
"Huh."
Radish walked through the halls toward the throne room. He caught Celestia as she left her court for the day.
“Radish!”
“Hello, Princess, I- oh!”
Celestia pulled Radish into a tight hug.
“I’ve been informed that you’ve joined the ranks of Equestria-savers. I am immensely proud of you. Not to mention grateful.”
“Thank you, your highness. I have something for you.”
He pulled the astral sard out of his saddlebag.
“What’s this?” asked Celestia.
“Your souvenir from the Wide Basin. A key component of the Crystal Radioscope.”
“It’s beautiful. Thank you, Radish.”
She took it in her aura, then held it under her wing.
“Ma’am, did you know?” Radish asked.
“Radish, please. Despite appearances, I’m not all-knowing. I was as fooled by the phony mission as anyone. But…”
“But?”
“I had a feeling something important would happen out there. And I wasn’t the least bit worried, knowing you two would be there together.”
“Thank you, ma’am. May I ask about Range Tracer and Mont Blanc?”
“They did indeed work here. Very intelligent. But very loose with safety protocols. They resigned a few years before you joined.”
“Ma’am, they claimed they quit because you kept shooting down their ideas to make the palace safer. To arm the guards better.”
“This was before Nightmare Moon. In those days, I was overconfident. Complacent, even. I didn’t see the need for arming everypony to the teeth- that would be escalating against nothing, which leads to problems on its own. I thought we were sufficiently secure. And in my defense, we were for a long, long time.”
“But now?”
“I’m a lot more worried about the dangers facing all of us. And as you’ve often reminded us, the palace could use a bit more oomph in its defenses. Do you think I should extend a hoof to those two, and see if they’d be willing to work for the greater good?”
“That would be a relief. Better to have them working for us than against us. And… maybe it’s better that Starlight is on our side, too.”
“Thank you for protecting her. She says she’d be dead now if you hadn’t gone with her.”
“She saved me, as well. I’d happily guard her again.”
“I’m glad you’ve reached an accord. But as for what she was saying during lunch at Bluegrass…”
Radish’s body froze.
“I think it’s best we just ignore it,” said Celestia.
Radish took a deep breath. “Ma’am… what if she's right? Am I ruining your life, and Equestria’s future, by not… giving you kids?”
“Radish, I’ve had the privilege of teaching foals at my school since Starswirl disappeared. I adopted Cadance as my niece when she was a young mare. I spent many happy hours taking care of hatchling Spike, and now I’ll get to be a part of Flurry Heart’s life, as well. I’ve loved every opportunity I’ve had to spend time with children, but I’ve never desired any of my own. And I certainly don’t believe Equestria should be ruled by a dynasty- it should be served by those who understand the sacrifices required.”
“I see.”
“But just out of curiosity… what would you have done if I’d said, ‘Yes, Radish, let’s have foals together’?”
“I’d have fainted.”
“Ah. Then it’s a good thing I didn’t. Take care, Radish.”
“Take care, ma’am.” Radish saluted, then began to walk off.
“Oh, major? One other thing…”
He stopped and looked back. She was holding Radish’s receipt from Bluegrass in her aura. Her eyes narrowed.
“One time, Shining Armor tried to expense a fine dining bill to the palace. You know what I did to him?”
“Made him captain and married him to your niece?”
She smirked and folded the receipt away.
“Have a good night, Equestria-saver.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish entered Cat’s Howl. Light Fantastic looked up from her cash register and scowled at him with crossed hooves.
“Hello… dear .”
“Look, I-
Light held up the morning’s newspaper. The front page headline read, “Stolen Starcium Recovered by Hero Guard and Ex-Villain”, above stock photos of Radish and Starlight Glimmer.
“What the fuck, Rad? This is how I find out you’ve been traipsing around the countryside with that bitch?”
“I’m sorry, Light. I don’t get to pick and choose the missions I get sent on. And this one was actually a trap for us. We survived it by working together.”
“So you’re best buds with her now, is that it?”
“You know, Fan, being in her confidence has its advantages. On the train ride home, she told me some things about herself that you might find… entertaining.”
“Like what?”
“Like, why she turned bad in the first place.”
“What, you mean, her villain origin story?”
“Uh huh. Get this- it was over a boy.”
Light cocked her eyebrows. “A boy?”
“Yeah. When she was a filly, this colt she liked got his cutie mark for sorcery and moved away to magic school. She was so upset about losing him, that she vowed to get rid of all cutie marks forever.”
Light paused to absorb this.
“A… boy…”
She snickered. She started to crack up. She fell off her stool and landed on her back, kicking her legs and howling with laughter. “That’s the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Yeah.”
Light caught her breath and wiped her eyes. “Oh, wow. That’s funny. Tell Glimmer I’d like to meet with her.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I think I know how to make peace with her now.”
Radish woke up in Light’s bed, snuggled up close to her. She was smiling serenely at him.
“Morning, handsome.”
“Morning, beautiful.”
“I really enjoyed last night.”
“I really did, too. You were really into it.”
Light stretched out and smiled. “I was feeling extra happy. I met with Starlight Glimmer yesterday.”
“Really? You didn't mention that.”
“I wanted it to be a surprise, but I just can’t hold it in anymore.”
“So you two reached some kind of peace?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“What did you do, have a drinking contest?”
Light rolled onto her side and gave a wide grin.
“I told her that I’d forgive her if she spent a week chained up in my attic.”
“What, she agreed to that?”
“She did!”
“Sheesh. Starting when?”
“Last night.”
Radish sat up. He gazed at the ceiling. “What? She’s up there now?”
“Wanna go see?”
Light led Radish into her attic and flipped on the light switch.
“Come on, she’s over here,” Light said, leading him to a corner. “Starlight, dear, how was your night?”
There was nothing in the corner but a length of chains that had been magically twisted apart. A message had been burned into the planks of the nearby wall. It read, in large angry letters:
YOU TWO
ARE
DISGUSTING!
“Aww, she didn’t even make one day,” said Light. “Oh well, she can try again some other time.”
Radish looked around the attic.
“Wait. Light, we’re right above your bedroom.”
“Yes.”
“So, last night, she could hear us-”
“Yes.”
“And you were moaning that loud-”
“Yes.”
“And when you were screaming about my-”
“Yes.”
“Light! I don’t want you to weaponize our lovemaking. That’s what Maxilla tried to do. And I don’t want you faking moans with me just to taunt somepony you’ve got tied up.”
“Well, I don’t know how else to get reven- I mean, how to forgive her.”
“You don’t have to. I’m not going to force a friendship between you two. Just don't involve me in any more weird sex-related pranks, okay?”
“Hmm. What's the name of that boy she liked?”
“Don't involve him, either.”
“You are really stifling my creativity, Rad.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish Root crept carefully through the back alleys of Canterlot City’s warehouse district. He tossed a car floor mat over the barb wire atop a hurricane fence and slipped over it.
He made his way to the back of warehouse. Security cameras dotted its back wall. He checked his smartphone, which showed him the cameras’ feeds, and charted a course through their blindspots.
He scaled the back wall, pried open an unalarmed window, and dropped to the floor silently. He made his way through the aisles, past numerous crates and pallets of boxes. He reached a shipping container, picked its lock, and dragged open its doors.
Inside, a woman stood, grinning. She had pale purple skin, dark purple hair, and wore an expensive tactical outfit. She was pointing a taser gun at him.
“Wait! Don’t-!”
She fired it, and two wired barbs struck him in his chest. Radish fell to the floor, twitching.
He woke up to a bucket of water dumped over his head. He had been stripped to his undershirt and boxers, and was tied with his hands behind his back to a metal folding chair. He shook the excess water from his chestnut hair, then blinked his eyes clear.
The woman stood before him, impatiently tapping her foot.
“Miss Glimmer,” he said, seeing his captor.
She narrowed her eyes.
“You’ve done your homework.”
“I heard about you from a friend. Good thing, too. I’d never expect a ‘brand ambassador’ of having a background in counterintelligence.”
“Yet you still got caught.”
Radish sat back and smiled politely. Starlight Glimmer’s face turned sour.
“You… wanted to get caught!”
Starlight Glimmer looked around the warehouse in a panic. She put a finger to her earpiece.
“All hands report in.”
She waited a beat.
“Can anyone hear me?”
She looked at Radish.
“What have you done?”
“Got you alone for a talk.”
“I was warned you’d resort to charm. But you’re not as ‘devastatingly handsome’ as the message boards claim.”
“Ouch. Well then, how about I resort to reason? Do you know what I’ve been stealing? Do you know what you’ve been guarding?”
“It doesn’t matter. I agreed to no questions asked.”
“And that’s not a red flag to you? For someone who’s been in the intelligence game so long, that didn’t set off any warning bells?”
“I’m not interested in tech secrets. It’s probably just some new microchip.”
“Come on, you’re smarter than this. How did you read Worthy when he first contacted you? You must have got the sense he was up to something bigger. You think I would spend all this time stealing microchips, which would be obsolete in a month anyway? Wagoner Corp has plans, and it’s not something they talk about in investor meetings.”
She pursed her lips. He knew he was getting to her. She knew he knew he was getting to her. She turned off her earpiece, then tapped a few controls on her phone, shutting off the cameras watching them. She walked a few feet closer, warily.
“Okay, out with it. What’s the big secret?”
“Miss Glimmer… do you believe in magic?”
Starlight Glimmer threw a bound, bruised, and bloodied Radish Root down onto the polished terrazzo of the back patio of the Wagoner mansion. Worthy Wagoner was a few steps down from her, in the middle of his backswing.
“Got him,” said Glimmer.
“Just a minute,” Worthy said.
He swung, hitting a top-of-the-line golf ball deep into the acres of his backyard, where a butler would find it eventually. He turned to see Radish on his knees, in his boxers and undershirt. He choked up his grip on his nine iron and walked up to Glimmer and Radish.
“Took you long enough. Have you questioned him?”
“You said you wanted him brought to you immediately. The time it takes to do a quality interrogation isn’t exactly immediate.”
“Well, at least you can follow orders. And you,” he said, pointing his club at Radish, “you’re going to tell me where you’ve hidden every last component.”
“Components to what, Worthy? Go on, tell Miss Glimmer here what you’re building.”
Worthy held the club above his head, preparing to swing it down on Radish’s. Starlight Glimmer stepped between them.
“Looks like our business is concluded. I’ll take my pay now.”
Worthy lowered his golf club and laughed.
“Why, Starlight, you’re going to want to stay on my payroll for the next phase. It’s the only place to be.”
“Yeah? Why’s that?”
“I’ll tell you after you recover the components he’s taken.”
“Oh… these?” she asked, pulling an envelope from her back pocket.
Worthy Wagoner snatched it away and tore it open, shaking it over his open palm. Several small jewels shaped like lenses, each a different pastel color, fell into his hand.
“Yes… yes! They’re all here! Well, done, Starlight! Come! Bring him inside! You brought these back just in time.”
Starlight Glimmer pulled Radish up by the back of his shirt and led him inside. Worthy led them to his office. He laid out the lenses on his desk, then gestured to a decanter on a sideboard.
“Help yourself. You’ve earned it. We just bought the distillery.”
“No thanks. What is this about?”
“Why, it’s all about star light, Starlight. Solar power, actually. The market for it is exploding worldwide. And that’s a problem. Any yokel can stick solar panels on their roof these days. So can any school, hospital, office, casino, what have you. Soon the world will get all the energy it needs from the sun.”
“So?”
“The Wagoner Corporation’s competitors are far ahead in the solar market. The only way to compete now is to control the resource at the other end. ”
“What are you blathering about?”
“These lenses are ancient- found in a hidden place by my ancestor. And they have a special property… almost as if they were magic.”
Starlight Glimmer looked at Radish. He looked at her, plainly, as if holding back an “I told you so”.
“What property? What magic?”
“This!”
He assembled the lenses in sequence into a cylindrical stack. They clicked together, forming a device resembling a spyglass. He held it up, and suddenly Starlight’s side of the room was cast in total darkness.
“What the-!”
She clicked on a flashlight from her keychain, but it produced no light. Worthy laughed. The darkness disappeared back into the lens.
“When light shines through these, darkness shines out! These will be incorporated into a satellite orbiting the sun. I’ll be able to turn night on and off for the entire planet! If anyone wants even a particle of sunlight, they’ll have to buy it from me!”
“What!? You can’t just hold the world hostage! Every government agency in the world will be on you!”
Worthy laughed.
“My Sunday golf foursome consists of a prime minister, a president, and a prince. They’re all looking forward to this as much as I am. And if anybody tries to make a move against me, they’d be risking everlasting night.”
Starlight looked worried. Worthy walked up to her and cupped his hand under her chin.
“You can join the new regime, or sit in the dark outside of it. All my employees will receive sunlight credits alongside their salaries.”
Starlight wrestled her chin out of his grip. “Worthy, you’re right. I’d rather be in on this than outside of it.”
“Excellent. Now, take Root here out back and dispose of him. Bury him too deep for dogs to find.”
“Excuse me? I’m not an assassin. I captured him, I recovered your property, I gave you a courtesy five minutes with him- which you spent talking to me- and now I’m taking him into the cops.”
“The cops don’t need to hear what he has to say. How about I quadruple your pay?”
Starlight looked at Radish.
“I dunno. He has some really powerful friends.”
Radish smirked. Worthy frowned.
“I don’t think you know what power is, Starlight.”
“Oh, I think she does,” said a young lady’s voice emanating from multiple points around the room.
“What!? Who’s there?” Worthy Wagoner demanded.
“Piece of advice- don’t lay out your dastardly plan in a room full of smart devices that can record everything you do. Even your espresso machine is listening to you,” the voice said.
“I’ve had trouble with hackers in the past,” sneered Worthy. “You know what I did to them? I hired them. Work for me, erase what you’ve recorded, and you’ll be the richest young lady in my entire organization.”
“Oh please, I’d rather work for Fancy Pants Incorporated than you.”
“Starlight! Take out Root and bring me this hacker’s head!”
He gasped. Radish Root was standing free, next to Starlight. Radish straightened his boxers. Starlight folded her arms.
“Look, Worthy,” said Radish, “I’m not usually one to give slime second chances. But some new friends of mine believe in extending a hand in friendship to everyone. They think maybe these lenses have corrupted you somehow. Hand them over, and we’ll sit on your confession. You can put your billions toward something positive.”
Worthy slammed an intercom button on his desk.
“Guards! Get in here and waste Radish Root and Starlight Glimmer!”
Radish sighed. He stood back-to-back with Starlight, and they both assumed fighting stances. A detachment of suit-and-tie security guards filled the room and circled Radish and Starlight. They pulled out a wide variety of weapons.
“You up for this?” she asked.
“Yes. But they’re not ready for what’s coming,” he replied.
The wall behind Worthy exploded, sending debris and the scent of cake frosting across the room. Worthy staggered and looked. Six female figures clad all in black stood in the newly-blasted hole, striking proud poses.
Worthy brushed dust off his clothes. He looked at the girls with disdain.
“You’re trespassing.”
“And you’re abusing Equestrian magic,” said the center girl. “Those lenses were a failed experiment of a corrupted princess eons ago. Hand them over.”
He held up the lens array and plunged the girls into darkness. He turned to his guards.
“Finish those two and then these new ones!”
The guards advanced on Radish and Starlight. A black winged thing flew over Worthy’s hand and snatched the lens device. The dark subsided as it left his hand. He gasped, watching a large bat fly it over to one of the girls.
“Thank you, Mister Bat,” she said in a sickeningly sweet voice while tickling its chin. “Darkness can’t stop you, can it?”
“And a room full of thugs can’t stop me!” shouted one of the girls. She speedily ran a loop through the room, snatching every weapon out of the guards’ hands and the belts off their pants in a blinding blur of rainbow. She ran her bounty outside and returned, dusting off her now-empty hands. The guards all gripped their pants to keep them up.
“Or me!” called another.
She kicked Worthy’s desk, launching it at a row of guards, knocking some down and pinning some to the wall. Radish and Starlight used the moment of distraction to take down the remaining guards.
Worthy was stunned. One of the girls used the opportunity to approach him from behind, take off her glove, and take his hand.
The two stood frozen in a trance. Then, the girl broke away from him, crying out and staggering backwards.
“It was too much… he has so much cruelty in him… he’s done so many awful things… it wasn’t the lenses at all! He’s just a jerk!”
Worthy shook his head clear. He seized the girl and got his arm around her neck.
“I don’t know what you people are, but I’m leaving. No one make a move, or else.”
“Worthy,” said Radish, “let her go. It’s over.”
He ignored him.
“You! Give me the lenses, or your friend is going to have trouble breathing.”
The girl with the lenses looked to her friends. They nodded. She handed them back to him. He spoke into his smartwatch.
“Bring the car to the back!”
He dragged his hostage to a rear driveway, where a town car pulled up.
“You got what you want! Let her go!” called Starlight.
He turned the lenses on them again, producing a vast zone of darkness across the entire backyard. He kicked his hostage into the darkness and leapt into the car. The car peeled away.
It slammed into a flat glowing diamond in the middle of the driveway. More such diamonds appeared behind it and at its sides and roof, pinning it in and blocking its doors and sunroof.
“Not much of a getaway, darling,” said one of the girls. “That will hold him until the proper authorities arrive.”
“Then let’s make ourselves scarce,” said Radish. “They’re not a fan of me.”
“Not yet. One loose end,” said the freed hostage.
A van pulled into the driveway. Another black-clad girl stepped out of it.
“Okay girls, let’s dispose of some dark magic.”
The seven girls held hands, then floated into the air. Radish and Starlight stepped back. A thin beam of pure white shot out from them, passed through a diamond barrier, melted through the car’s window, and shattered the lens device in Worthy’s hand. Its pieces burned away into black ash while he howled in rage.
“Now we can go,” said the new girl.
Radish, Starlight, and the Rainbooms piled into the van. It sped off into the night.
“Are we sure the ‘proper authorities’ aren’t in Worthy’s pocket?” asked Rainbow Dash. She pulled off her balaclava, freeing her pony ears and shaking loose her long rainbow ponytail, which soon dissipated.
“Maybe,” replied Sunset Shimmer, taking her hood off. “But we’ve got more than just the recording of his dastardly plan. Here.”
She walked over to Twilight Sparkle’s mobile workstation, reaching over Spike in her lap and typing quickly.
“I just learned a ton about the shady stuff he’s got his fingers in. Everything from illegal dumping to insider trading. And I know his passwords now. Once this gets out, there will be no hiding for him.”
“Great!” said Twilight. “I could only hack so far into his network without these codes. I can’t believe you were right about the Wagoner Corporation being a front for evil, Rainbow Dash.”
“Movies are never wrong,” Dash replied.
“Yeah, but I was,” said Starlight. “I should’ve known better than to trust that Worthy. The way he looked at me just gave me the creeps.”
“Now, do be careful with that,” said Rarity, watching Applejack pull off her black tactical turtleneck. “And make sure you wash it in cold water only. Oh, it was quite a strain designing outfits for less visibility, but at least I had a good pattern to follow.”
“Here,” she said, handing Radish’s own infiltration suit back to him. “I cleaned it, pressed it, and repaired some of the seams. Rather brave of you to confront Worthy in your skivvies.”
“It had to look convincing,” said Radish, taking the clothes. “And thanks for the touch-up.”
He wiped off his makeup that Rarity had expertly applied to give him the appearance of being bruised and bloodied.
“Not at all, dear. You know, you simply must tell me about the heists this ensemble has been through! Ever been to Cairo? Or Milan?”
Principal Celestia leaned over from the front passenger seat.
“Rarity. He’s engaged, you know.”
“Ah! Wha! Huh! What are you implying?” Rarity gasped.
Spike raised his eyebrow at Radish. Radish shrugged.
“Okay, everyone,” said Vice Principal Luna, at the wheel. “We saved the world from eternal night, but it’s getting late. Where am I taking you all?”
“All our parents think we’re having a sleepover at Fluttershy’s,” said Rainbow Dash.
“And my parents think I’m at Rainbow Dash’s,” said Fluttershy.
“Oh!” said Pinkie Pie. “I know where we can spend the night! The laser tag place has all-night lock-ins on Fridays!”
“I’m up for that!” said Rainbow Dash.
“Me too!” said Applejack.
“Would you like to come, Miss Glimmer?” Twilight asked.
“Laser tag, huh? I can’t promise I’ll go easy on you,” she said with a smirk. “How about you, Radish Root? I’d love to pit my skills against yours.”
“Like the lady said, I’m engaged. And she’s waiting up for me.”
They pulled in front of the laser tag pace, and the eight girls piled out and went inside. Luna looked to her sister.
“You know, I’m going to make sure they get signed in all right. You two wait here.”
She left the van. Celestia and Radish locked eyes. Radish rubbed the back of his head with his hand.
“Look, I’m sorry your girls got all caught up in this. I shouldn’t have involved high school kids in business this dangerous.”
“No,” Celestia said, “they’re the only ones who could have possibly handled something like this. They’re specialists for these kinds of problems.”
“Celestia… thank you for reaching out to Light Fantastic. She was surprised to hear from you, and even more surprised you wanted to help me.”
Celestia undid her seatbelt and crawled into the rear of the van to join him.
“Rad, we didn’t part under the best circumstances, but I still… care about you. Even if you’re off gallivanting around the world, setting a bad example for my students. I bet half of them will want to be master thieves now.”
“Nah, not when they have you setting a good example. I bet they’ll be amazing at whatever law-abiding careers they choose.”
Celestia’s eyes drifted down to his shoulder.
“Oh… I had to lose it,” he said, showing her his shoulder, where a heart-shaped tattoo had been removed. “If I got caught, they would have seen your name.”
“So, you still care, too. Only, you show it by erasing me from your life.”
“You’re off my shoulder, but you’re never out of my mind. Letting you go was hard, but I couldn’t draw you into this war on the Wagoners.”
“Yet Light Fantastic is in on it.”
“She was already fighting it. She’s always been a fighter, in her own way. But you? You’re an educator. That’s your special talent, your destiny, ‘stia. And judging from tonight, you’ve been exactly where the world has needed you. You’ve done an incredible job with those girls.”
Celestia smiled.
“Now that Worthy is finished, what are you going to do?”
“I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Maybe you could work as a security consultant, on the right side of the law.”
“Maybe… but then I’d just end up working for folks like Worthy.”
“Or not. CHS’s security guard is retiring. I know it doesn’t sound like exciting work, but the school sees a surprising amount of action.”
“Fanny might not like us working so close together again. Seriously, did you have to spread those rumors about Radish Root being ‘devastatingly handsome’?”
Principal Celestia smirked. She leaned in, and kissed Radish’s cheek.
“I’m an educator. I’m just spreading a fact.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Radish sipped coffee at his desk. Pinkie Pie kicked his door open.
“Radish! I need your help! It’s an Omega-Level Emergency!” she howled, on the edge of hyperventilating.
Radish snatched his sword off the wall and his helmet off his side table.
“Okay. Let’s get to the captain. You can fill me in on the way.”
“Got it!”
The two rushed down the hall.
“What’s the situation, Pinkie Pie?”
“It’s bad! It’s really, really bad!”
“Just focus. Start from the beginning.”
“Radish… it’s Rainbow Dash!”
“What? Is she hurt? Kidnapped? Corrupted?”
“No, worse! A million times worse!”
“What is it!?”
They reached the door to Barrel Roller’s office. Pinkie Pie gripped Radish by his shoulders. She looked into his eyes, on the verge of tears.
“It’s okay, Pinkie. Whatever it is, you can count on the Guard. We’ll get through this together.”
“Radish…” she said, sniffling, “I think that Rainbow Dash…”
“Yes?”
“I think she’s been lying about liking my pies!”
“She… what?”
“I’m serious! I don’t think she’s eaten a single pie I’ve ever baked her!”
Radish closed his eyes.
“Pinkie Pie. That’s not an Omega-Level Emergency.”
“It’s not?”
“Omega-Level Emergencies are existential threats.”
“Then what level is lying about pie?”
“There’s no level for that!”
“So, it’s off the charts!?”
“Pinkie Pie, I’m going back to my quarters. Whatever issues you have with Rainbow Dash and… pies… you’ll have to work it out without the Guard’s help.
“I understand. You can’t get involved in pie-litical issues.”
“Have a nice afternoon, Pinkie.”
“Bye, Radish. Stay safe.”
Radish walked away. As he rounded the corner, he heard Barrel Roller’s voice.
“Miss Pie? Can I help you with something?”
“You sure can!”
Radish quickened his pace. He entered his quarters and locked the door, turned off the light, and drew down the shades.
The Only Mark That Matters
134. The Question and the Answer
Spats straightened the lapels of Radish’s dress uniform jacket and brushed lint off his shoulder. He admired his reflection in Radish’s buttons.
“Am I doing the right thing, Spats? Glimmer could attack our wedding.”
“Or your honeymoon, or your first anniversary, or your fiftieth. You gonna let her dictate your life?”
“I gave that same question to Twilight, and she won that argument. She’s sworn off love, and maybe she’s right. Maybe ponies who live dangerously shouldn’t love.”
“These are just nerves, Rad. Once you’re up there with her, the champagne, and the ring, it’ll all seem a lot more clear.”
“Thanks, Spats. Oh yeah, if she says yes-”
“You already know she’s going to say yes.”
“-will you be my best stallion?”
“I’d be honored, Rad. I’d hug you, but I don’t want to wrinkle the jacket.”
“Thanks. Well, here goes.”
Radish walked up to one of the towers along Canterlot’s outer wall. Though they had fallen into disuse years prior, they had been refurbished at Radish’s suggestion, and were now serving not only as lookout towers, but barracks and training centers for new guards. A private guarding the door saluted him.
“Sir!”
“Surprise inspection, private.”
“Oh, uh, come on in, sir.”
Radish inspected the tower from the bottom to the top. Upon reaching the top, he took the ceiling hatch out onto the roof. Light Fantastic dropped down onto the roof next to him with a picnic basket. She passed Radish a bottle of sparkling wine. He popped the cork and poured it into the two wine flutes she held. He took one.
“You sure this is okay, Rad?”
“Hey, it’s just an old building nopony cares about.”
“Well, I said that, but knowing how easily Glimmer can blow holes in defenses, I kind of have a new appreciation for them.”
“She won’t get this one, or any others. We’ve worked long and hard to prepare Equestria’s defenses against her. She shows up anywhere near Canterlot, or Ponyville, or any other city, town, outpost, or summer camp, she’ll go down hard. I don’t care how much power she has under her hood.”
Radish looked at Light. His face softened. He took a sip.
“But today’s not about her. It’s about us.”
He finished his glass. So did Light. They set them down. Radish took Light’s hoof in his.
“Do you remember what I said to you the last time we were up here?”
“I do. You said ever since we met, you couldn’t stop thinking about me.”
“I had been bogged down by feelings for someone else for so long. It was like you pulled me out of the bog. Set me on solid earth for the first time. I didn’t know I’d be lucky enough to get another date with you, much less years of being with you. And, if you’d let me, I’d like to be with you forever.”
Radish got on one knee. He pulled out a small hinged box. He opened it. Inside was a ring, fitted for a pegasus wing, size eight. It had a dark green tourmaline and a neo-classical flourish on the hinge.
“Light Fantastic, will you marry me?”
She smiled.
“Yes,” she said, sweetly and softly.
They hugged. They kissed. They fell against the wall, holding each other. Light held out her right wing, and Radish placed the ring on her metacarpal, closing it between her longest primary feathers.
Light flipped her wing over to look at it from all sides.
“Wow, it’s beautiful. Spats and Rarity helped, right?”
“Yeah. They work well together.”
“Tell them thanks.”
“I will.”
“Underglaze helped with this one. Wasn’t even sarcastic about it. He just wanted to make something nice for us.”
Light Fantastic pulled out a small box of her own, and opened it. It contained a gold ring on a chain. Radish dipped his head forward, and she placed it around his neck. He admired it. It had an inlay colored with a pleasing swirl of Radish’s and Light’s own colors. An inscription inside read, “Together, no matter whatever.”
“Wow. Tell him thanks. Can’t beat Midlo artists for designing something that looks great. Oh yeah- I had one other thing. This is more of a gift for both of us.”
Radish gave her a wrapped box. She tore off the wrapping and opened it. Inside was Radish’s cutie mark, contained inside a piece of crystal.
“Rad?”
“They found it on Glimmer. I haven’t told anypony yet. I was still deciding what to do with it. Now I know.”
He looked her in the eyes.
“This is yours now, to do with it what you will. You can lock it away, throw it in the ocean, put it on your shelf, whatever you want. You’ll never have to worry about it coming between us again.”
She held it in her hooves and smiled. “Wow. Thank you, Radish. I have just the place for it.”
They kissed again. Light put Radish’s cutie mark down and patted the little Celestia on her head.
“Sorry, ‘stia. I locked this one down. Go find somepony else to do that with.”
“Be nice to her. She always encouraged me to find another girl.”
“Yeah. She’s the best third wheel a gal could ask for.”
Light refilled the glasses, and held hers up for a toast. “Here’s to us, to Celestia, to all those other crazy mares that complicate our lives.”
They clinked their glasses.
“Speaking of which, should we tell them all right away, or let this be our little secret for a while?” she asked.
“Oh, they probably already know.”
“How?”
“Let’s see. Spike and Rarity knew about the ring. Twilight has a telescope on her balcony, and Fluttershy can read lips.”
“So…”
Radish motioned to the spotting scope on the tower’s edge. Light pointed it at Ponyville and adjusted the focus. She got Twilight’s castle in her sight.
On a balcony of the castle, Twilight and her friends were crowded around her telescope. Fluttershy was at the eyepiece, saying something to the rest of the group.
Radish stood up and faced them. He smiled and said, “She said yes.”
Fluttershy repeated it to the group. The others cheered and hugged. Twilight excitedly trotted in place, then made a hoof signal to Light. Light repeated the motion to Radish and asked what it meant.
“There’s no Ranger signal for ‘Congratulations’, so she signed the closest thing. It means, ‘All is well’.”
The Only Mark That Matters
147. The Development, Part 3
Radish awoke in his hotel bed to a loud banging on his door.
“I don’t need housekeeping!” he called.
“You need a lot more than that!” Barrel Roller called from outside his room.
“Captain!?”
He ran to and opened the door. Barrel Roller was standing outside, tapping her hoof.
“Uh, come in, ma’am.”
She walked in and gazed around the room, clearly uncomfortable with sitting on any of the furniture inside. Radish looked down and realized he was unclothed in front of her for the first time. She looked at his cutie marks. He took a deep breath.
“You’ve never seen them, have you?” he asked, resignedly turning to show her.
“I didn’t come five hundred miles to look at your flanks, major.”
“No, ma’am.”
“Care to explain how a simple supply run turned into… all this?”
“I’ll file a report soon.”
“A report’s not enough this time. There’s going to be a full investigation. You’ll probably have to answer a rather big pile of questions, from a rather large panel of ponies, from a rather extensive range of agencies.”
“I see. I’ll answer anything asked of me.”
“But I’m guessing there were a couple of… extenuating circumstances on this.”
“Very extenuating.”
“I’m told you were with a member of AG1.”
“Pinkie Pie required an escort.”
She raised an eyebrow.
“An escort. To investigate the starcium security arrangements at the airship port in Hooveston. During her bakery’s normal business hours. Even though she was seen working behind the counter there at the time.”
“Yes, ma’am. I was with… Pinkie Pie the whole time.”
She caught his meaning immediately.
“Son of a bitch, Root. How do you end up in these situations?”
“Forgive me, ma’am. It was complicated. There was unknown magic involved, and-”
“Say no more. I mean it- say no more. You keep your yap shut and let me deal with the investigation. I can make it go away. The Hooveston brass owes me a favor or two.”
“Ma’am, I can’t ask-”
“That’s an order.”
“Ma’am! If I just weasel out of an investigation, I’m no better than Starlight Glimmer! I have to take whatever consequences are coming to me, otherwise I’m just a hypocrite!”
Barrel Roller’s expression softened.
“Root, there are no consequences, because you’re the only saving grace in this whole mess. We’re trying to keep it quiet, but this will hit the papers eventually- there were four simultaneous starcium heists in Hooveston yesterday. The sea port, the medical center, and the royal research labs all were sent an ingot too, and all three of those were stolen. Expertly. No clues.”
Radish gasped and staggered back. Barrel Roller walked up to him.
“You got the one at the airship port blown up, but you prevented it from falling into wrong hooves, and prevented any lives from being lost in the act. The only way to comfort the public after all this is to let them know you saved the day- give them some hope to latch onto.”
“Three ingots of starcium… all stolen? Without a trace?”
“That’s right. We don’t know how they did it.”
“That’s bad. That’s really bad.”
Radish paced around his hotel room.
“With three ingots… someone could waste most of Canterlot… no! A simultaneous strike on Canterlot, Ponyville, and the Crystal Empire! They can kill every princess at once!”
“Root…”
Radish fell back on his bed, hyperventilating.
“Wait! The pegasus said he wanted it for something constructive, not just blowing things up! They’re building something! A weapon? A vehicle? Maybe a giant war machine! We need to-”
“Root! Stop! I order you to calm down!”
“Calm down!? We lost! We’re all in danger!”
“And thanks to you, they got one fewer ingot than they wanted, and we got some clue to who they are.”
“What clue? A male pegasus with white wings- that may not even be his natural color!”
“But we know they got to that delivery pilot, and can cajole a monkey. Both have been taken in. We have something to work with, Root.”
Radish turned over on the bed, away from her.
“Yeah, great. I failed upward again.”
Barrel Roller sat down on the bed next to him.
“Root… you can’t let that one offhoof comment from Celestia years ago color your image of yourself forever. She doesn’t think you’re a failure. Nopony in the palace thinks you’re a failure. You think I’d put a failure in Elite armor and have him guard starcium?”
She looked around the room.
“Uh, where is the armor, anyway?”
He pulled the covers down to reveal the suit of armor in the bed.
“I couldn’t sleep in it, so I slept next to it.”
“That’s fine. That’s Elite thinking.”
“No, it’s stupid thinking. What if someone faked a fire alarm? I’d run out of the room, and they could run in and steal it.”
“Root, you can’t plan for every contingency. Who’d have thought Equestria’s enemies would be training heist monkeys? Now, we know a little bit better. We can be a little bit more prepared next time. And you can bet we’ll change the way we distribute starcium. That’s the fight, Root- victories and failures, making us stronger and smarter every day. It only works if we all hold on.”
Radish turned back to her.
“Ma’am, you shouldn’t have come all the way out here for me. Not with Glimmer in the palace.”
“Commander Shade is keeping an eye on Glimmer. Nopony hears a former Ranger on their tail. So far, all she’s done is eat pancakes and talk to herself in her bedroom. But she was asking to see you, by the way.”
“Oh, well.”
“Yeah. Oh, well.”
“That reminds me, ma’am. I have a gift for you.”
Barrel Roller seemed surprised by this. Radish dug through his bags, and gave her the bottle of cola from Pinkie Pie. She looked at it.
“I’ve never heard of this stuff.”
“It’s regional. Very regional.”
She caught his meaning immediately.
“Thank you, Root. I’ll save it for when I need a pick-me-up. Which probably won’t be long.”
“Ma’am… I’m sorry that I’ve never shown appreciation for all you’ve done for me. You’re a great captain, and I’m honored to work for you.”
Barrel Roller seemed very surprised by this.
“Root, don’t get mushy on me. We’ve got work to do.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I want you to look over the scenes of the three other heists and reverse-engineer how they did them.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And after that, you’re going to meet with the press. You’re going to smile for the cameras and tell Equestria that you’re on the case.”
“Seriously?”
“The people need to know that it has heroes to see them through this crisis.”
“Ma’am, that’s what AG1 is for.”
“Root, AG1 was organizing a fashion show this week. You parachuted away from an exploding airship. Who do you think the public wants to hear from?”
“Well, if you put it that way.”
“Go shower. We’ll grab breakfast on the way to the seaport. I’m in the mood for pancakes.”
“Yes, captain.”
He stood up.
“Another fashion show? Really?”
“Applejack was a judge.”
“What? ”
Pinkie Pie dumped out her bag of newly-purchased kitchen implements onto the counter of Canterlot High School’s Home Economics classroom. Her friends gathered around.
“Okay, gals. This is gonna be the bake sale to end all bake sales. We’ll have them eating out of the palms of our hands. Or at least out of the little baggies that the treats are sold in. That’s more hygienic.”
Twilight Sparkle picked up the new spatula, adjusting her glasses and looking at its brand name.
“Pinkie Pie, where’d you get this spatula? It’s so heavy. And it smells like a monkey.”
“Let’s just say these came from a specialty store.”
“Huh,” said Sunset Shimmer. “These kind of remind me of… wait.”
She peered at a price tag dangling from the strawberry huller. There was no barcode, and she saw the currency symbol printed on it.
“Bits!? Oh, tell me you didn’t!”
“Yeah, I did.”
“Well, stop doing it!”
“Last time for a while, I promise! Wanna see pictures?”
She scrolled through the album on her phone, showing off the pictures she took of Equestria. She ended at the picture of her and Radish.
“Who’s that fella?” asked Applejack.
“He’s an Elite royal guard! He was nice, though he needed some cheering up.”
“Is he like, a guy who we also know here?” Rainbow Dash asked.
“I don’t think so. His name is Radish Root. We don’t have one of those at this school.”
“Radish… RADISH ROOT? Pinkie!” howled Rarity.
“What?”
Rarity typed furiously into her phone. She brought up a news story about a break-in at the Wagoner Corporate Headquarters.
“Radish Root is the most daring, clever, and unstoppable master burglar in all the world! He’s been committing heists at all the most impenetrable Wagoner facilities!”
“What has he been stealing?” asked Fluttershy.
“The Wagoners won’t say. But they’re just offering a huge reward for information leading to his capture,” Rarity said.
“Well then, forget the bake sale!” said Rainbow Dash excitedly. “If Pinkie’s spent time with the pony Radish, I bet she’s learned all kinds of info they could use to catch the Radish here! The reward could pay for the next ten class trips!”
The girls all looked at Pinkie Pie.
“Gals, I don’t wanna snitch on Radish Root. The Equestrian one is a hero, so I bet the one here is a hero, too,” she said.
“Hero? Pinkie, the Wagoners are the heroes,” said Twilight Sparkle. “They’re innovators in science and technology. Their company practically makes this town run.”
“Huh,” said Rainbow Dash. “In the movies, corporations like that are always the bad guys. It’s their cover. Maybe our Radish Root really is a hero, and he’s trying to stop them from carrying out some dastardly plan!”
“You’re going to base your opinions on movies?” chided Twilight Sparkle.
“Well, some say Radish Root is a devastatingly handsome gentleman thief,” Rarity said, “He commits his crimes without harming so much as a hair on a security guard’s head. So perhaps we should give him the benefit of the doubt.”
She peered closely at Pinkie’s photo.
“Was his counterpart devastatingly handsome? I don’t quite know how to judge a pony that way.”
Sunset Shimmer looked at it.
“Eh. All royal guards have that same face and body type. Equestrians like to joke that Princess Celestia has a thing for meatheads. Cool armor, though- I’ve never seen an Elite!”
“Well, he’s handsome enough for the pony Light Fantastic! He’s marrying her!” said Pinkie Pie.
“Light Fantastic!?” the others howled.
“Light Fantastic is a ‘her’?” gasped Twilight Sparkle. “I thought it was a whole collective of artists!”
“And she’s marrying a guard? That’s so… establishment,” said Rainbow Dash. “I guess opposites attract?”
“Do you think our Light Fantastic is marrying our Radish Root?” asked Fluttershy. “A guerilla artist and master thief- talk about a power couple!”
“Pinkie, you’ve got to help us find them!” said Rainbow Dash.
“Gals, no! We ain’t gonna get ourselves involved in some private war between a master thief, his guerilla artist fiancée, and a multinational corporation,” sighed Applejack. “We’ve got midterms coming up. Can we just have one normal bake sale for once?”
“I’m with Applejack on this,” said Twilight Sparkle.
“Yeah, we should probably keep out of this one,” agreed Sunset Shimmer. “Unless we get clear indication of Equestrian magic at play, it’s not our business.”
The others grumbled in agreement, then got to work baking. Pinkie Pie stared at her photo of herself and Radish. She ran a couple of searches on her phone, then put it in her pocket.
“Girls, keep things running here. I need to take care of something quick,” she said.
She slowly exited the room, then ran down the hallways full-bore. She burst into Principal Celestia’s office, panting. Celestia looked up from her paperwork. Pinkie Pie locked the door behind her.
“Pinkie Pie?”
“Principal Celestia, are you close with Radish Root?”
The principal narrowed her eyes.
“Radish Root? You think I would have something to do with a criminal?”
“Yes, if he were really a good guy! If he were secretly fighting the Wagoners for an important reason that nobody knows about! But now he could be in big trouble!”
Celestia put down her pen. “What trouble?”
She pulled out her phone to show Celestia.
“The Wagoner company just hired this woman as a ‘brand ambassador’- Starlight Glimmer! In Equestria, Starlight Glimmer is Radish Root’s worst enemy! An evil thief, brainwasher, terrorist, kidnapper, and mutilator! I bet the one here is no brand ambassador at all! I bet she’s some kind of super assassin or ninja mercenary! If Radish Root goes up against her unprepared, he could get caught, and the Wagoners could complete whatever dastardly plan of theirs he’s trying to stop! If you’re as close to Radish Root as Princess Celestia is to Major Root, I bet you have some way of getting a message to him!”
“Miss Pie! The Wagoners are a major contributor to this school, and to a lot of worthy causes around the city! Radish Root is certainly no superhero- he’s a thief and a scoundrel. I sincerely hope this Starlight Glimmer really is some specialist who will put an end to his espionage. I certainly don’t know Radish Root, and if I did, I’d help the police catch him, not help him evade justice!”
Pinkie Pie looked around the room, suspecting listening devices everywhere.
“Okay, you’re right. I’m just being a silly Pie. I’m just gonna go help with the bake sale.”
“Fine, Pinkie Pie. See that you do.”
Celestia watched Pinkie Pie unlock and leave her office. She got up to lock her door again, then returned to her desk and pulled an old flip phone from under a false bottom of a drawer. She dialed the only number in the phone’s speed dial.
“It’s me. Don’t hang up- there’s something your fiancé needs to know about the next job.”
Radish Root turned his Elite armor back into the Quartermaster.
“I saw the reports,” Chuck said. “Nice job out there, Root.”
“Nice armor you gave me. It’ll be hard to go back to the standard set.”
“Well, we’re working on improving the standard set. Change is in the air, major. With three ingots of starcium in the wind, the Guard is going to be busier than ever.”
“Sorry. I really did jinx it, didn’t I?”
“Jinxes aren’t real, Root. Well, okay, they are real, but you need a unicorn horn and a good amount of training to cast one.”
“Still.”
“Any comments on the armor, for the next iteration?”
“I think the garrote wire is a little… ghoulish for a royal guard. It’s not a good look for us.”
“PC read me the riot act on that one, too. I’m thinking we can put a sleep dart blowgun in there instead.”
“Oh, fun. I’d like to see a monkey catch one of those.”
Radish delivered his report on the starcium heists to Barrel Roller.
“Welcome back, Root. I’m hearing positive things about your press interviews.”
“I was only following the script, captain.”
“Yeah, well, a lot of famous actors can’t even do that. Wherever the starcium is now, it’s had enough time to settle into its inert form. Since no big explosions have been reported anywhere, that means whoever stole it has either shaped it to their purposes, or wasted it.”
“I won’t stop until I find out what happened to it, ma’am.”
“I know. But we’ve got a lot of ponies working on this now. Don’t think it’s all on you.”
“Thank you, captain. How is the situation here?”
“While you were gone, Glimmer forcibly switched the princesses’ cutie marks for a day. They had to trade roles.”
Radish made an angry series of sputters.
“She assaulted and violated two princesses, putting the kingdom, the dream world, and the entire balance of nature in danger!?”
“Yes.”
“And the consequences?”
“None whatsoever. They thanked her.”
Radish sucked in air.
“Ma’am, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. What is the Guard’s purpose anymore if we can’t protect a princess in her own home from her own guest?”
“Root, whatever frustration you’re feeling, I’m feeling it for every single guard under my command. I have lodged complaints about this… ‘Friendship Paradigm’ time and time again. It’s not going to change. And I imagine someday it will blow up in all our faces.”
She trotted around her desk, looked at Radish square in the eyes, and poked a hoof in his chest.
“And on that day, Radish, where do you want to be? In a private office somewhere Uptown, wearing a nice tie? Or in front of your princesses, in your armor, standing between them and doom?”
“You know?”
“I lose a lot of guards to the private sector. I can tell when I’m about to lose another.”
Radish met her steely gaze. He stood tall.
“On that day, when it all blows up in our faces, I’m going to be in front of Celestia, taking every hit she failed to see coming. And while she's pinning a medal on my burned and bloody body, I’m going to tell her I told her so.”
“And I’ll be there right by your side,” Barrel Roller said.
Then, something struck him.
“You called me ‘Radish’,” he said.
“Did I? That’s weird. Dismissed, Root.”
Light Fantastic hovered in the center of her store, trying to figure out if there was a better way to arrange the aisles. Her door was violently flung open, causing the bell above it to flip off its hook and clatter to the carpet. Twilight Sparkle stomped in.
“Oh, hi, T. How’s it hangin’?” asked Light, innocently enough.
Twilight took flight and met Light at her altitude. With fury in her eyes, she held up a Midtown neighborhood broadsheet. The top story was about a new art installation that had mysteriously appeared in an empty Midtown lot overnight.
Its central tableau was made of wooden slats woven through a metal mesh frame. It depicted a unicorn mare gleefully crushing a globe under her hoof, while frightened ponies fled out of it. Behind her was a quartet of winged, horned figures with their backs to the carnage. Out of the crushed globe, a copper ribbon poured out like a pool of blood, with a message embossed on it. It read, “Your forgiveness is not our justice.”
“Oh, yeah! I heard about that! You wanna go see it together? It’s only a few blocks from here,” said Light, too cheerfully.
“I thought we were past this. I thought we could all be adults about this. I thought you understood what I’m trying to achieve here.”
“What are you saying? Are you implying I had something to do with this bold new artistic endeavor?”
“Don’t you dare. I know your style when I see it. You employ the same angles and proportions in all your art.”
“Ouch. I thought I was more diverse than that.”
“Starlight saved all of Equestria, Light. We’d be under Chrysalis’s rule without her.”
“You think that represents Glimmer? I dunno. I see that central figure as symbolic of systemic problems in our justice system, vis-à-vis an outmoded power structure that arbitrarily applies punishments and pardons.”
“I’m not laughing, Light Fantastic.”
“Twilight, sweetie, I don’t do political art anymore. The Twi Pride buttons I made in honor of your coronation never really flew off the shelves, you know? Which is a shame- you were such a badass in those days. Besides, I don’t make art for free. When I want to make something in Glimmer’s image, I put out Crepuscular Haze merchandise and profit off her.”
“You’re taking it down.”
“Nah.”
“Then I will.”
“Those would be great optics. The Princess of Friendship, smashing art that offends her.”
“I’ve been unpopular before.”
“But have you been unpopular and wrong before?”
“Light… please?”
“No. And you can tell her this- I don’t care if she’s got a guest room in the palace. She’s not welcome in Midlo. I see her in my neighborhood, she’ll get a lot worse than a sculpture.”
“I’m disappointed in you, Light Fantastic.”
“I always welcome constructive criticism from the public.”
Twilight flew back to the door and landed in front of it. She turned her head back to Light.
“Your composition is inconsistent and your metalwork is sloppy. Your use of mixed media muddles the message, and frankly, you shouldn’t be working in the round at such a large scale if you can’t understand clean sightlines.”
She walked out. Light narrowed her eyes.
“Bitch.”
Radish Root shut and locked the door to his office. He turned on the lights, then pulled down the window shades. He walked up to a large cork board on the wall.
He had dedicated a space for each starcium heist. He had hypothesized, and a local reptile expert had helped him prove, that the medical center heist was carried out by a snake that had entered through the plumbing, swallowed the starcium, and exited out the same way. He found no evidence of animal conspirators at the laboratories, but suspected several employees who could have come together to pull it off. Royal investigators were looking into them. The seaport heist was a complete mystery.
He turned his attention to a large map of Central Equestria.
He popped a jalapeño chew into his mouth. He put Xs over each location where Pinkie Pie’s phone had been set off.
Something affected Pinkie’s phone and pointed us to the heist. Was it a warning? A dare? A test?
He looked over to a pile of books on his desk. He was researching electrical devices, but nothing in Equestria was as advanced as a human high school girl’s phone.
What could influence it? Was there intelligence behind it? Is it the same intelligence at work in the map? Did the Tree of Harmony reach out to me?
He thought about asking Twilight for more information about how her map operates. He knew if he did, she’d ask him to come over, see it, and have a tea party with Glimmer while he was there. He didn’t need to know that badly.
He looked over the Royal Chemists’ analysis of the sleep gas that was used in the metal shop at the airport. Its ingredients were common enough, though it took skill and special equipment to distill.
So does shaping starcium. These villains are well-equipped and knowledgeable in several sciences. They’re smarter than me. How do you fight someone smarter?
He pulled out and ran through the Royal Metallurgists’ list of “constructive” things that could be done with three or four ingots of starcium. It ran from the benevolent (mend bones) to the terrifying (enhance weaponized lightning) to the fanciful (make crystals sing over a distance). It was too much to consider all at once. He sat in his desk chair and leaned back.
They saved my life for a purpose. But what do they want me for? What am I to Equestria’s enemies? Am I a danger to the princesses?
They have a plan for the starcium. They have a plan for me. But I’m going to get them first. And there won’t be any pardons this time.
The Only Mark That Matters
53. The Wedding, Part 6: Reception
“Luna…”
“Yes, my dear Champion?"
Radish opened his eyes, lifting his head off a table he didn’t know he was resting it on. He felt a change against his coat, and looked to see he was no longer in his armor, but his tuxedo. Luna was sitting demurely in the chair across from him in a lavender evening gown.
“Princess?”
“You are missing the reception. Come. Let us dance.”
Radish looked around. They were in the palace ballroom, though it was dim and hazy. Every table beyond their own seemed to blur into a fog. Radish couldn’t tell how many, if any, other ponies were present. He looked back at Luna, who was standing next to him with her hoof extended.
“Okay.”
Luna smiled and allowed Radish to lead her to the dance floor. She leaned against him and rested her chin on his head. He could feel her heart beating against his cheek.
“Do you know this song?” she asked. “It is one of my favorites.”
Radish listened. There was indeed a song in the air, but Radish didn’t recognize it, the genre it belonged to, or even the instruments playing it. He couldn't see a band or a DJ.
“Princess… what happened? Where is everyone? Something… attacked me, I think…”
“Do not worry about that now. Just relax and enjoy yourself.”
“What happened to Twilight? The captain? There was something about Princess Cadenza… something… got in your tower?”
“Fret not. All is well.”
“All is well? But…”
“You are quite dashing in your formal jacket. It is most flattering.”
“…thank you. I like your dress.”
“Thank you. It is new.”
Radish heard a loud boom. The tables rattled. He looked around.
“What was that?”
“Just the entertainment.”
“But-”
“I like your fragrance. What is it?”
“It’s oakmoss. I like… uh… yours, too.”
“It’s bergamot. A gift from Celestia.”
“Celestia… where is she?”
“She is fine.”
“That’s not-”
A new song began.
“Oh! I know this one,” said Luna. “It’s more recent. The first time I heard it, I loved it.”
“Princess…”
"Don't you love it, too?"
"What... what is going on?"
“Shh.”
Radish felt Luna stroking the back of his neck. His heartbeat slowed down. His eyelids drooped and his hooves relaxed.
The music changed again. It became something slower. Luna felt warmer and softer. The room became darker.
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Celestia’s royal chariot soared through the gloomy gray-clouded skies of Equestria’s Flint Steppes. The lands below were equally gloomy, an endless stretch of country consisting of dry gray rocks protruding from dry gray dirt. It was a part of her kingdom that she had rarely visited- few of her subjects lived in this region, and those who did chose it for its isolation.
A small farm came up in the distance. It had, until recently, been a long-abandoned homestead, and the farmhouse and outbuildings were still in a dilapidated state. The crops- mostly root vegetables- were newly-planted. The ponies who lived here had bought and moved into this place just a few weeks ago, and the need to get away from the world had taken precedent over every other living consideration.
The pegasus charioteers sighted a safe patch of earth for a landing, and brought their princess down with expert gentleness. She stepped off the chariot.
“Thank you, sirs,” said Celestia to the pegasi. “I don’t know how long this will take. Relax until I return.”
They nodded, smiling proudly, and started to undo their harnesses. Celestia walked up to the farmhouse door and knocked. There was a clatter inside. The door opened. In the doorway were two earth ponies in simple country attire.
“Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Root. I am Princess Celestia. I understand an issue has arisen with your son’s cutie mark that requires my attention.”
“You didn’t have to come out all this way, your highness,” said the father. “This has all been some kind of misunderstanding. Some twisted prank.”
“That is what I came to determine. May I speak with the boy?”
“You shouldn’t! It’s not right! It’s disgusting!” said the mother.
“I have seen many unusual sights in my time. Now I must see what all this consternation is about. Please, I came to help.”
“He’s… he’s in his room,” said the father, pointing to a door leading to a hall. “At the back.”
Celestia nodded, and walked inside. As she made her way to the back, her attention was drawn to the trash bin in the kitchen. It was stuffed full of merchandise bearing her own image- a plush doll, a T-shirt, postcards, and more. She magically lifted out a ball of crumpled paper and smoothed it out. It was a poster of her raising the sun. Its corners were torn off.
“He had all kinds of stuff with you on it. We thought it just meant he was patriotic. We didn’t know it would lead to… to something like this,” said the father. “We’re getting rid of it all.”
She rolled it up and placed it back in the bin. She walked down the hallway to the last door. She knocked.
“Come in?” said a faint voice inside.
She opened the door and entered. A young colt was sitting on his small bed, dressed in a heavy canvas smock which concealed all but his head. There was little else in the room but plain furniture and empty shelves. Celestia could see the torn-off corners of the poster still tacked to the wall.
As the boy looked up, his eyes went wide and his jaw dropped.
“Hello, Radish. I am Princess Celestia. I would like to have a talk with you.”
He nodded, jaw still open. Celestia walked in and closed the door.
“I understand you have recently earned your cutie mark. Congratulations. This is normally a joyful occasion in a young pony’s life- the start of lifetime of self-discovery.”
The colt looked off to the side, and nodded.
“But I understand your cutie mark is quite unusual. News of it has spread even as far as my royal palace in Canterlot.”
“It’s not my fault!” the colt blurted out. “I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“No. Of course not. May I see it?”
The boy cringed, inching his back against the wall.
“You don’t have to show me if you don’t want to. But I came to help, and I can only do that if I fully understand the situation. A pony should never be ashamed of their mark.”
The boy nodded, and undid the clasp on his smock. He put it aside and turned to show his flank. Celestia approached for a better look. She stared. He shivered. She leaned in even closer and peered at it.
“I see. Well, this is an authentic cutie mark. The reports didn’t quite do it justice.”
On the colt’s flank was an image of Celestia herself, depicted head on. She was kneeling, with her front legs prone and her hindquarters held slightly higher. Her tail was lifted. A stallion was taking her from behind.
The stallion was an adult, but had the same coat and mane colors as the boy- buff yellow and chestnut brown. Black outlines on the figures allowed the image to stand out from the surrounding fur. The angle of the image obscured the stallion’s cutie marks. His front hooves were gripping Celestia's haunches, and he had an expression of serene bliss on his face. The tiny Celestia, however, had an expression of wild passion- her widely-smiling mouth hung open with her tongue lolled out to one side, and her eyes were joyfully rolled up to the heavens.
“Well, at least it looks consensual.”
When Celestia was first informed of it, she believed whoever made the report was simply exaggerating or misinterpreting the mark. Cutie marks are often heavily symbolic and wide open to their owners’ interpretation. But this, however, left little to interpretation. This colt’s cutie mark was himself, as an adult, fucking Celestia.
“Tell me, Radish, how do you interpret your cutie mark? What does it mean to you?”
“Well, it’s us. We’re having sex.”
“You’re awfully young to know of such things.”
“Earth ponies help animals do it every spring.”
“Hmm. How did you earn this mark? What were you doing when it appeared?”
“It happened when I was sleeping. I woke up with it. I think I was dreaming about you.”
“What do you think this means your special talent is?”
“Having sex with you!”
Celestia winced.
“This may not be us at all.”
“It is! How could it not be?”
“As the ruler of Equestria, this mark may be using me as a generic placeholder, to represent any mare. This stallion may generic as well, just taking inspiration from your coloring.”
“What? It’s us.”
“Perhaps this indicates you have an interest in medicine? There will always be a need for doctors who specialize in reproductive health.”
“No, I’ve never wanted to be a doctor.”
“Perhaps this represents your artistic interests? Do you dream of writing novels or plays about romance?”
“No! Look at it. It’s just us, together.”
“But how can your talent involve me if you’ve never met me before?” asked Celestia.
“Well, you’re here now! You came! And now, well…”
Celestia’s eyes widened.
“I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I only came here to assess your cutie mark.”
“But… I thought you came to… do this. With me.”
“You’re far too young to even be thinking about it. It would be highly inappropriate, immoral, and illegal.”
“Then, how about when I’m older? It looks like I’m bigger in the mark, right? Maybe this means I’ll become your husband!”
“Cutie marks don’t tell the future. They don’t tell you who you are to marry. And a husband’s role is more than that of a sexual partner, he is a committed equal in a serious relationship. I have no plans to ever marry- my duties to Equestria are far too great.”
“Then, the royal consort!”
“Royal consort?”
“You know, I could live in the palace, and whenever you want, like after a hard day, we could do this!” he said, pointing to his mark.
“Surely you want a better future for yourself than that.”
“What could be better than that? It’s what everypony wishes they could do. And thanks to this, it could be me! Look how happy you look. That means that you’ll really like it, too. We’re meant for each other.”
Celestia sighed.
“I came here hoping to help you find a better interpretation of your mark. I’ve never seen one this elaborate, or explicit, or specific. It is unique, no question, and it may take time before any of us truly understand what it means. But I must make myself clear- I will not be having sex with you. At any age. My choice of partners is mine alone. I do not sleep with somepony simply because their cutie mark depicts it.”
“But, but… but you have to!”
“I have to?”
“I mean, you’ve just got to! If this is what makes me special, then we can’t not do it! It’d be like banning a pony with a bowling cutie mark from every bowling alley! It’d be like a pony with a violin cutie mark never being allowed to touch a violin!”
Celestia looked at him sternly.
“I am no violin, boy .”
The boy looked sheepish, then mumbled a soft apology. He hunched over.
“I don’t know what to do. My parents were so angry when they saw this. They took me out of school, moved us to this old farm, never let me see anyone, always make me wear something to hide it. I can’t help what mark I got. But if we never do this, then I have no purpose in life. I have no destiny.”
Celestia’s face softened. She walked up to the colt and put her wing on his shoulder.
“I am sorry that your mark has caused you difficulties. That should never happen to a pony. You’ve done nothing wrong, and I will talk to your parents to try to help them see that.
“Cutie mark magic is a force nopony fully understands, and none can control. Nopony should be asked to forsake their mark, but I think you’d be happier if you found a new destiny.”
“Then I’m back to being a blank flank. Maybe forever.”
“You have a world of potential ahead of you, but sex with me will not be part of it. I am confident you will find new interests, even love interests, and forget all about me.”
“What if I work really hard? What if I grow up to be really strong, and smart, and handsome? I’ll prove that I’m worthy of you!”
She narrowed her eyes at him.
“Just drop it ,” she said, coldly.
Radish gasped, then buried his face in his hooves, hoping she’d leave without another word. Then, he heard a whisper in his ear.
“Listen, if anypony ever gives you grief over your cutie mark, tell them Celestia is a personal friend of yours. And that she found it flattering.”
“Really?” he asked, lifting his eyes.
“Really. Goodbye, Radish Root. I wish you all the best.”
She left his room. Radish heard her speaking to his parents. Though he couldn’t make out the words, he could hear Celestia’s voice- soothing and warm, understanding and peaceful. As their discussion went on, his parents voices slowly returned to a level of calm he hadn’t heard in weeks.
He heard the front door open and close, then the sounds of her chariot taking off. He looked out his window and caught a glimpse of her flying away. His parents knocked on his door, something which they had never done before.
“Come in?”
They slowly entered the room, looking embarrassed. They hugged him.
“Son, we’re sorry.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Dear Radish,
Greeting from Ponyville! I’m still getting used to this town- everything is so different from Canterlot! But everypony’s been really nice. My new friends are taking me out on the lake today. I’ll tell you all about them in subsequent letters. I can't wait for you to meet them!
Independent study also takes some getting used to. It feels strange to be learning without classes, schedules, and teachers, but it’s also pretty exciting getting to chart my own syllabus. I’m practicing spells that my old professors said were too advanced for me. I think I’ve almost cracked a new one today.
Please continue to take care of my brother, Princess Celestia, and Princess Luna, too! It’s so exciting to have a new princess in the world. Princess Celestia was overjoyed to get her sister back.
I can’t wait to hear insights into palace life from the boots on the ground. If you have any insights into friendship as well, I’d love to hear those, too.
Your Pen Pal,
Twilight Sparkle
Shining Armor’s second-in-command was a powerfully-built, pumpkin-orange pegasus named Barrel Roller. Her voice always had a hint of annoyance in it, though Radish could never be sure who she was annoyed with. Radish thought it was best to always assume it was him.
He now sat before her desk, which was always piled high with papers that overflowed its edges. She looked at him with a bored expression on her face.
“So, Root, how’s the tunnel scrubbing going?”
“I’m about to reach the first T-junction. I plan to take the left corridor.”
“Uh huh. Keep at it. But seeing as you’re accustomed to working in the dark, I’ve got a special assignment for you. You’re on the Night Shift this week. The Night Shift. You know what that is, don’t you?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Make sure Princess Luna isn’t disturbed. By anything. That means you guard her tower as silently as possible. Even the clanking of your armor might upset her.”
“I don’t clank my armor, ma’am.”
“Uh huh. Do you know what could happen if she’s upset?”
“I have an inkling, ma’am.”
“Let’s not risk it. If all goes well, you won’t even see her. But if she asks for something, treat it like the order came from Celestia herself. And don’t do anything to make her feel out-of-date. Don’t comment on the way she talks- it’s old-timey and she’s using the royal we , and that’s just fine with you. And for Celestia’s sake, don’t bring up Nightmare Moon.”
Radish had read all these warnings in a memo issued by Shining Armor. But this wasn’t the first time a superior had repeated something Radish was already supposed to know, and Radish knew it wouldn’t be the last.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“By the way, Celestia graded your, uh, homework.”
She passed Radish back his own typewritten essay to Celestia. It now had numerous red markings on it. He scored an 87, with most points off for spelling, punctuation, and questionable grammatical choices. He flipped to the end, and Celestia’s summation was that he properly understood his lesson. Radish breathed a sigh of relief.
“I normally wouldn’t send a B+ guard to protect a princess, but she’s found fault in about half the ponies I’ve assigned to her. So, she can try you on for size.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I’ll do an A+ job guarding her.”
Barrel Roller made a noise inside her throat that made it clear whom she was annoyed with now.
Radish gazed up at Princess Luna’s tower. Though the night was too warm and humid for his liking, the tower, which actually had the little-used name, “Selenic Spire”, seemed to chill the air around it. It stood off by itself in a quiet corner of the palace grounds.
It was one of the tallest buildings in the palace. The exterior was made of intricate brickwork trimmed in blue and silver. The tower had a scant few windows, and a single balcony on the topmost floor, which now jutted out over Radish's head. It was the balcony of the master bedroom. Somewhere up there, a mystery lived.
Radish entered the tower and checked in with the duty officer. He ascended the long spiral staircase running clockwise up the center of the tower.
Radish hated spiral staircases. Like the mountainside trails of the Southern Plains, they left him completely exposed from the side. Even worse, the path was linear, with only forwards or backwards to go if under attack. He looked down the vast well hole the stairs curved around.
This place was built for alicorns, all right. Something with wings could go up and down in seconds. Legs take ages. They could put a lift right in the middle. It would make traversal faster for legs, give the stairs cover from the sides, and block unauthorized flyers. They should have done it a long time ago.
He reached the top of the spiral, and passed through a heavy wooden door flanked by two silent guards. The corridor beyond was kept dark, with only slivers of moonlight making it through a thin window along the top of the wall. He waited for his eyes to adjust, then continued.
He relieved the guard standing partway down the hall. While guards typically worked in pairs, this hall was too narrow for it, built on principles of magic architecture that few understood anymore. He would guard it alone.
At the end of the hall was the oak door to Princess Luna’s bed chambers. It was decorated with an elaborate carving, though Radish couldn't make out what it was in the dark. He dared not approach it for a better look- he had been ordered not to get any closer to Luna's bedroom than halfway down the hall. He moved into his position, then turned and stood in the dim light.
A guard’s primary weapon was a collapsible, telescoping short spear. While on patrols, it was kept in a compact form on the guard’s back, snapping under the saddle plate. While standing guard, it was extended and held at one’s side. There were other weapons available to guards who had cleared the training for them, and Radish longed for the day he would be allowed a sword. He now held his spear in hoof, and it felt as flimsy as his spyglass.
Okay. Just a few hours standing alone here, with the princess of the night one room over, and only a pointy stick to fight whatever jumps out of the darkness.
Little had been told to him, or the public, about Princess Luna. After the blast from the Elements of Harmony wore off, a thousand years of atrophy caught up to her. Her tower, which had stood sealed and untenanted for a millennium, was reopened, aired out, and refurbished for her recuperation. Since then, she rarely, if ever, left her bedroom.
Some of the palace staff were saying she was seriously, maybe permanently ill. Some said she had died, and the guarding was only done to keep up appearances. Some said she was reverting to Nightmare Moon beyond that door.
Radish stood, waited, and focused his senses. He thought he could hear her, or something , shuffling around the bedroom. The fur on the back of his neck stood straight.
The door creaked open. Radish spun around and stood at attention, gripping his spear extra tight.
“Guardstallion. We require thee,” said a slow whisper.
Radish collapsed his spear and snapped it onto his back. He approached the door, now ajar by a few inches. He could see the carving on the door now- it was an arrangement of the constellations in the sky over a city- a city that wasn't Canterlot, but ancient and unknown to Radish. He pushed open the door and stepped inside.
The inside of Luna’s room was vast and lit by the moonlight pouring in from large windows and balcony doors, all wide open.
Why have us guard the stairs when the room is open to the sky? Anything could fly in.
In the center of the room stood the shadowed figure of Princess Luna. She was much smaller than Celestia- only a little bit taller than Radish. She had a short blue mane that hung limply around her face. She wore regalia- a black tiara and peytral which seemed to weigh heavy and fit loose on her lean frame. She was staring at him.
“We are Princess Luna,” she simply said.
“Yes, ma’am. How may I serve you?”
“Thou art the one called Radish Root, art thou not?”
“Yes, princess.”
“We have heard the most disturbing rumor about thee.”
“I’m… sorry?”
“Remove thy barding. Show us thy supracutaneous marking.”
“Ma’am, I-”
“Do it!”
Radish sighed, and lifted up his armor to show her his cutie mark. She approached, leaning in to stare at it until her face was mere centimeters away. She drew back and angrily narrowed her eyes at his. He dropped his armor back down.
“What is the meaning of this?”
“I don’t know.”
“Art thou our sister’s betrothed?”
“No.”
“Has Celestia fallen from grace, and is now the subject of mockery?”
“Never.”
“Have cutie marks sunk so low in the past one thousand years, that wanton acts are now commonly depicted?”
“It’s just my mark, ma’am.”
“What is thy talent, then?”
“I don’t know. It appeared in my sleep. I never figured out why.”
“Didst thou become a guardstallion to bed Celestia?”
Radish winced and turned away. Luna circled him like a predator.
“Answer.”
“Yes.”
“Is she aware?”
“Yes.”
“What response had she?”
“It was a ‘no’ from her, ma’am.”
“A ‘no’ from her. We see.”
She walked away from him, over to her balcony. She gazed up at the moon.
“Guardstallion, there was a time when we were so envious of our sister, we lost ourselves in our own darkness.”
She turned back to him.
“But if this is where her popularity leads, then perhaps our obscurity is not such a misery. We are at least happy to be spared of that humiliation,” she said, thrusting a hoof toward his flank.
“Yes, ma’am.”
She stalked up to him.
“Guardstallion, this recuperation is interminable. Our body is feeble. We can barely stand, much less fly. Our magic is weaker than a yearling’s. Celestia visits us but twice a day, for the dullest of conversations and the blandest of teas. We have no other callers than doctors and servants. We have the same books on our shelves as a thousand years ago. There is nothing else in here but reminders of our own failures.”
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
“How long dost thou guard our door?”
“I rotate to a different section in four hours. I’m guarding your tower all this next week.”
“That will be changed.”
“Ma’am?”
“Let the others scurry about below how they please. We want thee outside our door all night long, so that when we are in need of cheering, we may look upon thy cutie mark again. This will continue as long as we deem it.”
“Oh. Yes, ma’am.”
“Show it now.”
He lifted his armor. She stared at his mark for an uncomfortably long time.
“We are cheered. Return to thy post.”
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
Today I made a new friend. She's old-fashioned, and a bit on the serious side, but she's really fascinating to hang out with. She's been pretty down lately, so I'm looking for ways to lift her mood. She mentioned that she’d like to get some new books for her place. I was wondering if you could recommend some good ones for her. Something long and engaging- she has a lot of free time.
Your Pen Pal,
Lt. Radish Root
The Only Mark That Matters
Dear Twilight,
I’ve been tasked by Princess Luna to bring the bat ponies up to speed with modern times. I think what they really need are lessons on friendship. Would it be all right if I used the letters you send me- your “Second Looks at Friendship”- to teach them?
Your friend,
Radish
The bat ponies gathered attentively around Radish at Luna's breakfast table, listening to him read Twilight’s letter about a slumber party she shared with Applejack and Rarity.
“So,” said Radish, putting the letter down, “what do you make of Twilight’s conclusion that friends can ‘embrace each other’s differences’?”
“This seems counter-productive!” said Nocturn. “Why not embrace similarities first?”
“Fool Nocturn! Because similarities are not a source of conflict!” hissed Murk.
“Is it just me,” said Vesper, “or did the belligerence between Applejack and Rarity cloak a deeper passion? May we read more recent letters to see what becomes of their relationship?”
“Do not skip ahead!” said Murk. “Allow the story to unfold in its own time!”
“I agree with Murk!” said Nocturn.
“You forget, the letter about the gala tickets revealed that Rarity lusts for stallions,” Echo reminded her.
“Perhaps not exclusively!” cautioned Vesper.
“And Applejack lusts for… wait. Envoy, what does Applejack lust for?” Echo asked.
“I don’t know,” shrugged Radish. “Apples?”
“Perhaps Applejack lusts for the Envoy!” suggested Nocturn, cheerily.
“I don’t think so,” said Radish, considering it.
“Do not pester the Envoy with mere orchardists, when his sight is set on the Mistress’s sister!” Vesper warned.
“My sight is not set on Celestia!” said Radish.
Across the room, Luna sat at her desk working through a stack of paperwork. She smirked to herself.
“Look, let’s get back to the letter,” Radish said. “Applejack and Rarity learned to embrace their differences. So how can you four embrace the differences of other ponies?”
“The other ponies did not spend a thousand years in the mountains! We could ask them what they did instead!” said Vesper.
“Good.”
“They were never blessed with the Mistress’s power! We could offer our commiserations!” said Echo.
“They might not understand that. But a lot of ponies don’t know much about Princess Luna. You could tell them what you like about her.”
“Radish Root,” called Luna as she worked, “we do not need the bat ponies to act as our propaganda ministry.”
“I like her soothing presence!” said Echo.
“I like her strategic mind!” said Vesper.
“I like her fearsome power!” said Nocturn.
“I like her skillful cooking!” said Murk.
“Princess Luna, you cooked for them in the old days?” Radish asked.
Luna looked at them.
“Nightmare Moon prided herself on her artistry in many subjects. But no, we don’t remember cooking.”
“You roasted grubs and beetles for us!” Murk said. “In exotic spices and marinades!”
“Ah. The other ponies may not find that appealing,” Luna said. “I believe you four have properly absorbed this letter’s teachings. You may now go out and feed. But be mindful of the city’s right-of-way laws for flying. I don’t want to hear one of you got another ticket.”
The bat ponies looked at each other.
“And what of the preview of the next letter?” asked Murk.
“Ah, right,” said Luna. “Lieutenant, if you would?”
Radish cleared his throat and adopted a dramatic tone. “When bizarrely comedic ailments befall the Ponyville Six, they believe they’ve been cursed… by a mysterious zebra from the Everfree Forest! ”
The bat ponies collectively gasped.
“Is there a song?” Murk asked.
“You’ll have to wait and see.”
The bat ponies trotted off the balcony and took flight into the night, chattering excitedly about the next letter. Luna watched them go with a smile.
“Thank you for undertaking these instructions, lieutenant. I am finding these lessons helpful in learning about the modern world, as well. We did not have ‘s’mores’ in my day.”
“We can make them next time. I’ll bring the ingredients.”
“You are too kind. You are making a fine brother to the bat ponies.”
“Thank you, princess.”
“I’m sure you will also make a fine husband someday, as well.”
“I… uh… thank you.”
“I do not think Nocturn was being foolish when he suggested you court Lady Applejack.”
“Oh?”
“Do you not find her comely?”
“Does ‘comely’ mean pretty?”
“Yes.”
“I think she’s very comely.”
“And, as she is not employed here, you are not restricted from ‘dating’ her.”
“That’s true.”
“Would you like my help composing a love poem to her?”
“It’s just that… Applejack has a reputation in the farming community. Ponies ask her out all the time. She turns them all down. Some like to say that being rejected by Applejack is a rite of passage.”
“Oh? Has she given reasons for these rejections?”
“She just wants to focus on her farm.”
“Well, perhaps the rest of these letters will give us insight on how one may win her heart.”
“That feels like cheating.”
“All is fair in love and war, Radish Root.”
“But the Guard has rules of engagement for war.”
“Don’t be so literal.”
Murk flew back into the room. He spat a mouthful of writhing grubs onto the floor.
“Mistress! Will you cook these for us, as in the old days?”
Luna leaned backed, cringing. “That is now the Envoy’s duty. Radish Root, the kitchen is on the first floor.”
Radish held in a dry heave.
“Okay,” he squeaked.
“Thank you, Brother Radish! Could you pan-fry them in ketchup?”
“What? No. I have to draw the line somewhere.”
View Online
The Only Mark That Matters
33. The Suitor, Part 1: Courtship, Plain and Simple
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I’m glad to hear Fluttershy has learned a bit more assertiveness. Iron Will ran his promotion through Canterlot for a few days, and a lot of Canterlites are now doing that rhyming couplet thing before getting into slap fights. It’s pretty funny to watch.
Palace life is fine. I’m off the Night Shift for now, and back to general guarding. I’ll miss hanging out with Princess Luna, but she said I’m not excused from our book club. At least the tourists are pretty calm in the spring.
I’m working toward certification for a sword. Swords need special clearance because of how dangerous they can be to an unskilled wielder. I’ve got the basics down, but Corporal Shade says I need to get faster. He’s insanely quick on the draw- you should see him in action. I hope I get there soon.
Your Pen Pal,
Lt. Radish Root
Radish stood sentry at the gift shop’s entrance. A teenage mare approached him with an apologetic look on her face.
“Excuse me, sir, sorry to bother you. Could you tell me how to get outside to the lake?”
“Yes, miss. The exit is at the end of this hall. You’ll see a sign for it.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem, miss. Have a nice day.”
The teen trotted away while Radish stretched out his legs.
Not a bad morning shift. Not a bad morning. But then again, spring mornings are Celestia’s specialty.
Gentle sunlight streamed through the hall’s tall windows. Radish could feel its warmth against his armor.
The warmth ended as the world outside went dark.
It took a second for everypony present to react. At first Radish thought a large cloud had been moved over the palace for whatever reason, but as he looked through the windows, he saw there wasn’t a beam of sunlight as far as he could see. It was now night, in the middle of the day.
Oh no. Not again. Luna, tell me it’s not you again!
Radish approached a window. The ponies outside were gazing at the sky, terrified. The tourists and staff around him started to panic. Radish ran through the emergency procedures he knew. There was now a protocol for unexpected nighttime.
“Attention! Remain calm! Please make your way to the designated exits in an orderly fashion.”
“What’s going on? Is Nightmare Moon back? Is it Discord?” asked the gift shop clerk, frightened.
“Let’s not speculate, miss. The best thing to do is to… oh.”
The world outside was full of morning light again. Radish looked out the window. Everything seemed normal. The clerk stared out the window with him.
“What was that?”
“I can’t say, miss.”
The palace’s public announcement system sprang to life with a squeal of feedback. It was Celestia’s voice.
“Attention. We just experienced a temporary lapse in sunlight due to a magical anomaly. Everything is under control. Thank you, and have a wonderful day.”
Radish raised an eyebrow. The clerk did, too.
“Gee, could she be more vague?”
“Well, miss, at least everything is under control.”
“Take it from me, if somepony has to tell you everything is under control, everything is not under control.”
“Yes, miss.”
During his stint on the Night Shift, Radish and other guards with uncommon schedules attended evening briefings held in a large auditorium headed by Barrel Roller. Now he again attended morning briefings headed by Shining Armor. The vast majority of what happened in the palace was irrelevant to Radish- it was a machine of thousands of moving parts that nopony but Celestia fully understood, and his job was simply to keep a few of the parts safe at a given time. Radish always paid careful attention anyway.
“First off, if anypony asks about the sunlight blackout yesterday, the palace has released all the information on it that it’s going to. The matter is closed,” said Shining Armor, clearly annoyed by the questions he was anticipating.
Some of the guards present grumbled. The “anomaly” explanation did not go over well, within palace walls or beyond. Radish had received constant questions about it from tourists in the palace. He had no answers.
“Second, the palace will be hosting a new guest. His name is Halcyon, and he’s from the Far Eastern Edgelands.”
There were some whispers through the room. Radish had heard of the Far Eastern Edgelands only in passing. He didn’t know anycreature lived there. The rumor was that nocreature could work with nature there, leaving it too stark for ponies, too misty for dragons, and too windswept for griffons.
“He’s been given Personal Guest Status by Princess Celestia. He’ll be staying in Guest Suite One for the foreseeable future.”
That’s a bit odd , thought Radish. PG Status is usually reserved for close friends of Celestia. Twilight and her friends get that status. And Suite One is the biggest and nicest in the palace. Who is this guy?
Shining Armor stuck a transparency in his magic lantern projector, putting a picture of the guest’s face on the wall. He was dark gold with bright white spots along his neck, with stern, chiseled features and a short copper mane. His neck was thicker than a lamp post, and his head was massive enough to justify it.
“He has an unconventional appearance, but I know that’s not going to be an issue for anyone in my guard. See that he’s given all the respect a PG deserves.”
Personal Guests were given a lot of freedom throughout the palace, and had access to facilities that tourists didn’t. They had the privilege to command staff, and even guards, for reasonable requests. Twilight's friends liked to push the limits of what was considered “reasonable”. Radish liked to push back.
“Double-check your duty rosters, because some of you may be on guard while Princess Celestia entertains him.”
Radish kept his expression plain, knowing a few in the room were looking to see his reaction. Shining Armor seemed to pause for a half-second to look for it, too. Radish gave them nothing.
“Other than him, AG1 plus Spike will be visiting, as well. They’re all PGs, too, as usual. Guest rooms four through ten.”
Shining Armor had recently issued a memo stating that Twilight's team would be given an official name to be used in Royal Guard communications, arguing that the term “Elements of Harmony” should be reserved for the magical weapons they wielded. He solicited suggestions from the lower ranks, and received a large number, as a lot of guards had their own pet names for the team. Maple Bar called them “Team Harmony”. Cairn called them the “Everfreekers”. After consideration, Shining Armor announced they'd be designated "Action Group One", or AG1. Most guards assumed he threw out all the suggestions and went with what he wanted all along.
Interesting timing. Do they have something to do with this Halcyon?
“Dismissed.”
Radish and a pegasus guard named Shoofly arrived at their first post of the day and relieved the guards already present of their last post of the night. They took their positions guarding the doors to the Royal Breakfast Nook. It was the last place in the world Radish wanted to be.
Princess Celestia and Halcyon were sharing breakfast inside. It had apparently run long. Once in a while, a butler passed through carrying silver trays in or out. Each time the door opened, Radish could hear a snippet of conversation.
He couldn’t make out many words, but the conversation was light. Friendly. Too friendly for Radish’s taste, and punctuated by too much hearty laughter from both sides. Princess Celestia seemed to be having a wonderfully entertaining breakfast with this Halcyon. Radish grit his teeth.
Shoofly looked over to him, and mouthed the words, “You okay?”
He mouthed, “I’m fine.”
She gave him a sympathetic look. The butler passed through the door again. Instead of conversation, Radish heard the scooting of chairs. They were done with breakfast and were standing up. They were coming his way.
They exited the room, sharing another laugh. Radish and Shoofly saluted. Celestia noticed them a beat later than usual, and returned the salute.
“Oh! Radish! Shoofly! I'd like you to meet Halcyon. He’ll be staying with us at the palace for a while.”
Radish took his first look at Halcyon. He was an earth pony, of sorts. He had no cutie mark, and wore no clothes. His gold coat was dappled with white specks, and his lower legs were a shade darker than the rest of him. His right foreleg had long parallel scars, like claw marks.
His proportions were different from most ponies Radish had seen. He was built like a bull- he was only about half a head shorter than Princess Celestia, and was broad-chested, broad-shouldered, and had a thickly-muscled neck and thickly-muscled legs. His tail was like a lion’s.
“Good to meet you, sir,” said Shoofly.
“Welcome to the palace, sir,” said Radish.
“Good morning to you two!” he said, loudly. His voice was deep as a dragon’s. “Thank you both for guarding our repast!”
“You’re welcome, sir,” said Shoofly.
“You’re welcome, sir,” said Radish, feigning knowing the word ‘repast’.
“Come, Halcyon,” said Princess Celestia, brightly, “let me show you the hedge maze. It’s just been rearranged, so even I don’t know the way through. It may take us a while to solve.”
“I look forward to it! It’s a beautiful morning for getting lost.”
“Why, thank you,” said Celestia, leading him down the hall with a wing, “spring mornings are my specialty.”
As they exited the door to the hall, Shoofly swooned, leaning on her spear for support.
“Oh, wow,” she said.
“What?” asked Radish.
“I’m sorry, Radish. But that guy, wow.”
“What? You think that guy’s good-looking?”
She looked around the hall, then leaned over to him.
“I wouldn’t mind having him in my breakfast nook .”
“Criminy, Shoofly.”
“I’m sorry, but, well, I don’t blame Celestia for wanting a nice long meal with him.”
“These are just diplomatic talks. Happens all the time.”
“Diplomatic? He has Personal Guest status. I haven’t heard anything about him representing anything.”
“Well, why else would he be here?”
“Radish, I know you have this… thing for Celestia…”
“It ain’t like that. Not no more.”
“...but no one does business over breakfast. This is courtship, plain and simple.”
“We would have been told if he was royalty."
“You don’t have to be a royal to court a princess. You should know that more than anypony.”
“I was just a boy, speaking out of turn.”
“I thought you propositioned Celestia during your job interview.”
"Yeah, and she said no."
"Did you think she’d say no to everypony?"
"She's not interested in suitors. She said her duties to Equestria are too great."
"Love can sneak up on you, Radish. I’m sure she’s as surprised as all of us that she’s found someone she's interested in.”
“He’s probably just some trade delegate.”
“Then he’d have Delegate status.”
“Or some artist opening an exhibit in the palace.”
“Well, he’s sculpted, all right.”
“Shoofly .”
“Radish, you’re letting this get to you. You should get a girlfriend of your own.”
“Gee, great advice. I'll go get one after work.”
A maid pushed through the doors with a cart loaded with the morning’s used dishes.
“You know, lieutenant,” she said, “I don’t trust that guy either. He’s fishy.”
“Oh?”
“I’ve never met a guest who was so nice to the staff.”
“Oh.”
“Or one with such a great sense of humor.”
“Yeah? He’s funny, is he?”
“Well, it was a lot of observational humor. You know, ‘ever notice this’, ‘ever notice that’. Celestia loved it.”
“Thanks, Onion Tartlet.”
“Hey, Onion Tartlet,” said Shoofly, “if you were Celestia, would you like being courted by Halcyon?”
"I wouldn't mind showing that guy around my hedge maze ."
“Hey, look at that,” said Radish. “Shift’s over. I’m out of here.”
He collapsed his spear on his back and left. Onion Tartlet leaned over to Shoofly.
“Okay,” she whispered, "Marry, fuck, kill: Radish, Halcyon, Shining Armor?"
Radish sat in the commissary, eating a grilled salad. He stared at the letter he was writing. He didn’t know how to end it.
“Hey, Radical,” said Spats, sitting down with him. He had recently started calling Radish “Radical”, and Radish had neglected to tell him to stop before it became a fixture.
“Hey, Spats.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Because, you know, the whole… you know, thing.”
“What thing?”
“I mean, Celestia and this Halcyon fellow, getting on famously. ”
“How famously?”
“They were in the hedge maze for hours. They came out in good spirits.”
“It’s a nice hedge maze.”
“Not that nice.”
“It’s none of our business. Good guards don’t gossip.”
“Yeah, you’re right. Got time for a hoof of cards?”
“A quick one. Do-”
There was a clamor in the commissary. Several ponies had left their tables and were gathering around the windows. Spats and Radish craned their necks to look. Spats squinted and stood on his chair, then quickly dropped back down to Radish.
“Oh, it’s nothing. A neat bird. So,” he said, pulling out a deck of cards, “aces wild, and…”
Radish was walking to the windows. Spats cringed and muttered, “Sorry, Radical.”
Radish stared out the window. He put his binoculars to his eyes. He focused them. His body twitched.
Princess Celestia and Halcyon were in a rowboat in the middle of the lake. She sat in the bow facing him, holding a lacy white parasol while he rowed. There was a picnic basket between them.
“Now that’s picturesque,” said a guard by Radish’s side. “Oh! The royal painter thinks so, too. Look!”
On the edge of the lake, Broadstrokes, the palace’s chief artist, had set up an easel to paint the pair. Radish dropped his binoculars to his chest and shuffled back to Spats, who was shuffling the cards.
“Hey, uh…” Spats started.
“Just deal,” said Radish.
“Are you talking to me or yourself?”
With the remainder of his break, Radish went to the palace post office to deliver his letter. The postpony on duty, a sage green pegasus named Swift Sparrow, looked at the envelope.
“Another for Twilight? She’s around today.”
“I don’t always get to see her when she’s at the palace. And she likes my friendship insights in writing so she can file them.”
“You know, back when she lived here, she presented the post office with a report on how we could make mail delivery more efficient. Wasn’t for school or anything, she just thought we needed it.”
“Did you take any of her advice?”
“We sure told her we did.”
“Ah.”
Radish mailed his letter, then, as he was almost out the door, he stopped, turned, and went back to the counter.
“Hey, can we get mail to or from the Far Eastern Edgelands?”
“Nope. No zip codes there.”
“We have archeologists out there, right? How do they get mail?”
“A messenger badger. He's the only thing tough enough to make the journey, but he's pretty slow.”
“Huh.”
“Is this about Halcyon?”
“Why do you ask?”
“I hear that’s where he’s from. The post hears a lot of things, you know, but the post respects privacy. Guards respect privacy, too, don’t they?”
“No, guards have big loud mouths, in case there’s invaders in the palace.”
“The post also treats every piece of mail with respect, no matter where it came from, how its packaging is shaped… or who’s receiving it.”
“You implying something?”
“Not at all. Have a nice day, lieutenant.”
Radish resumed his shift patrolling the eastern wings of the palace. He stood on a parapet and watched the inner commons. A pair of gardeners were trimming the hedges below him. Their conversation was carried up to him.
“Striker just saw him in the bowling alley with Celestia and Team Sparkle,” said one of the gardeners to the other. “Said he bowled a pretty impressive game his first time. And we all know that PC’s a sporto.”
“What, you think he’ll pick Celestia up like a seven-ten split?” the other gardener asked.
“I wouldn’t doubt it. Most of the mares and a chunk of the stallions in this palace are gawking at him.”
“Huh. After all these years, a mysterious handsome stranger comes from a mysterious faraway land to sweep Celestia off her feet? Sounds like a fairy tale.”
“Sounds suspicious.”
“Celestia’s not stupid. But she deserves to be happy for once. I think the last guy who tried to court her was, well…”
“Who?”
There was a pause and a whisper.
“What, him? I mean, if you want to call it that.”
“I wonder how he’s taking it.”
Radish leaned over the parapet and looked down at them. They noticed his shadow on the ground, looked up, and jumped back.
“Good afternoon, lieutenant!” one of them shouted up at him.
“Good afternoon, Morning Glory. Verbena. Tending to the grapevine, are we?”
“Would you like some hedge clippings, lieutenant? They’re fresh.”
“I’m on duty. But you two enjoy yourselves.”
Radish lay in his bunk reading an old detective novel. He didn’t like where it was going. He decided to stretch his legs in the palace’s entertainment quarter, which was open to off-duty guards during certain hours.
He paused to read the outdoor bulletin board, which had news about the goings-on around the palace. There were tea socials, arts and crafts workshops, and a new tour of the castle’s antique doorknobs and hinges. He didn’t see anything that interested him.
“Radish!”
Radish looked behind him. Twilight Sparkle was galloping toward him.
“Twilight!”
She skidded to a stop in front of him, and they hugged.
“Have you met him?” she asked. “Isn’t it exciting?”
Radish sighed with as much annoyance as he could convey.
“Met who, Twilight?”
“Halcyon! A real live visitor from the Far Eastern Edgelands!”
“I didn’t know anycreature lived there.”
“Neither did I!”
“What has he said about it?”
“Not much. I think he and Princess Celestia are planning a big announcement about it together. They seemed pretty excited, but cagey, about something during shakes.”
“Shakes?”
“Yeah, we got a round of milkshakes to celebrate his bowling score! Two-ninety nine! For his first time! But Rainbow Dash thinks he deliberately let Celestia win.”
“She bowled a 300?”
“Yeah, it was amazing. She had laser-like focus. I think she really wanted to impress her new friend.”
“Well, that sounds nice.”
“How have you been?”
“Not so good. I had a bad lunch. And before that was a bad breakfast.”
She put a hoof on his shoulder.
“Please take better care of yourself, Radish! Princess Celestia needs all her guards in top form to protect important guests like Halcyon.”
“You’re right, Twilight. Maybe dinner will be better.”
“It definitely will be.”
“Oh yeah, I just mailed you a letter about a friendship problem I had with Lieutenant Shoofly.”
“That’s great! I can’t wait to read it! No spoilers, now.”
“Of course.”
Radish walked down the palace back halls. A valet stopped him.
“Lieutenant Root, you are cordially invited to join Princess Celestia for dinner tonight.”
“Oh?”
“Yes. Proper attire has been made available at the office of the royal clothier.”
“Really?”
“Dinner will be held in the Starry Spire dining room at eight.”
“That’s… thank you!”
The valet looked around, and whispered in his ear.
“Don’t thank me yet. Halcyon will be there.”
Radish sighed.
“Thanks, Hallmark.”
“Oh, you know my name? For security reasons?”
“No, I just… know it, I guess.”
“Thank you, lieutenant.”
“Have a good evening, Hallmark. Someone should.”
The royal clothier was a vintage unicorn named Galloon. Radish had never interacted with him before- his uniform and armor had been provided by the Quartermaster.
Radish was technically supposed to have a dress version of his uniform, but when he asked Barrel Roller about it during his first week, she said they were waiting on the right material. The next day Radish realized she meant she wasn’t sure if he was the right material for the job. He never asked about it again.
Radish entered Galloon’s studio to find him busy over a slanted table.
“Ah, lieutenant. Welcome.”
Being from Unicornwall, Galloon pronounced “lieutenant” as “left-tenant”.
“Hello, sir. I’ve just been infor-”
“Yes, yes. I have it right here.”
He levitated a smart, modern tuxedo on a hanger in front of Radish. Radish gasped.
“For me?” he asked.
“Who else?”
“For, uh, free?”
“No, her majesty makes a habit of demanding a guard’s company for dinner and making him pay to dress well for it. It’s a bit of a racket she’s running, you know.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not used to, well, VIP treatment. Or even IP treatment. Some days I don’t even get P treatment.”
“Go try it on,” he said, pointing to a side door. “Call if you need help.”
Radish went into the side room and unpacked the tuxedo, separating its various parts onto a bench. There was a small note with a guide on how to wear it. Though it was more work than donning his armor, he managed to assemble it onto himself.
He looked at himself in a full-length mirror, brushed his mane with his hoof, and struck a movie spy pose. He liked the way he looked.
“Are you striking a movie spy pose in there?” called Galloon.
“No! Yes. How’d you know?”
“Everypony does it with their first tuxedo. May I see?”
“Yeah. I mean, yes.”
Galloon entered the room and appraised Radish’s look. He made a few adjustments with his hooves and his magic.
“How do I look?”
“Clothing her majesty’s finest in finery has always presented a challenge, with their over-bulked frames and their rough-hewn visages. They often end up looking like gorillas dressed for a stage act. But over the years I’ve become an expert in the matter. Lieutenant, I have outdone myself.”
“Thanks, Galloon. I love it.”
“I took the liberty of including a sample of cologne. It’s a powerful scent of oakmoss and cloves.”
“Thank you. Is that kind of scent popular with, uh, discerning ponies?”
“Like the princess, you mean?”
“Well…”
“The true gentlecolt impresses with his social graces, not his fragrance. How is your dining etiquette?”
“It’s… uh…”
“Hmm.”
“I’ll be on my best behavior.”
“Can you carry a polite dinner conversation?”
“No.”
“At least you’re honest. Stick to light topics that all may participate in. Listen and support others in the conversation- do not dominate it. Be eternally self-effacing, and if all else fails, compliment the wine.”
“Oh, should I bring wine?”
“Good heavens, no!”
“Do you know why I’m even being invited to this?”
“It’s not my place to know or speculate.”
“I see. Thank you for all your help.”
“I wish you well, lieutenant. Do your best to comport yourself with dignity.”
Radish looked at himself in the mirror again.
“First time for everything.”
The Only Mark That Matters
37. The Suitor, Part 5: Ever So Sensitive
Radish stood guard over the palace’s gallery of ancient ceramics. This room made him more nervous than any other- he was in constant fear of accidentally bumping into one of Equestria’s oldest teapots.
A unicorn walked into the room, humming and floating a map of the palace in front of her face. She was seconds away from walking into a display case of nine-hundred-year-old bud vases.
“Ma’am!” called Radish.
The unicorn stopped and lowered her map to look at Radish. It was Rarity.
“Why, Radish, dear! Whatever is the matter?”
Radish pointed to the case in front of her.
“Oh! My, I would have trotted right into that, wouldn’t I? I’m sorry, I was glued to my map. These galleries are ever so labyrinthine.”
“You should see the labyrinth.”
“Ha. Wait… did you just call me ‘ma’am’? Oh, Radish, how could you?”
“Forgive me.”
“I suppose I must, lest I fall into the stereotype of a cantankerous senior citizen.”
She looked around, then trotted close to Radish with her head held low.
“How are you doing, dear? It hasn’t escaped me that Halcyon must be adding a certain degree of unease to your life.”
“I’m trying to handle it with aplomb.”
“Ah, good on you. That’s the best way to handle anything. But, cards on the table- I overheard your conversation with the bartendress after the dinner party.”
“Uh, all of it?”
“I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, I was stooping behind a hedge to wipe pollen off my stilettos when you two started talking.”
“Those are shoes, right?”
“No, they’re fabulous shoes. Not that anyone at that party seemed to notice.”
“Sorry.”
“My point is, I heard you discussing Fluttershy.”
“What do you think? Would we be a good match?”
“Does the thought of her stir passion within you?”
“Uh… maybe?”
“There’s no ‘maybe’ in passion, dear. A ‘maybe’ is a ‘no’.”
“Rarity, the only thing that’s ever stirred passion in me my whole life has been Celestia. Maybe I’m, you know, stunted where I feel feelings.”
“I see what you’re saying, and I sympathize. But Radish, Fluttershy is a dear friend of mine, and she’s ever so sensitive. I’d hate to think you would use her as some kind of… practice girlfriend to wean yourself off Celestia.”
“Whoa,” said Radish, feeling his balance shift sideways a bit. “That… that might be exactly what I’m doing…”
“Then I’m glad we’re having this chat.”
“So, should I just drop it before I hurt her?”
“Oh, don’t be so hasty in everything! How about this- if you think you’d like to date Fluttershy for Fluttershy, could you tell me something you like about her that’s unique to her?”
“Her voice.”
“Yes, it is quite sweet, isn’t it?”
“Her smile.”
“Well, that’s a bit obvious.”
“Her mane…”
“Of course , her effortlessly gorgeous mane. It is the envy of Ponyville mares. How she gets that volume, we’ll never figure out.”
“The warmth she gives off…”
“Hmm, that’s rather abstract. What do-”
“…the way she’s so sweet and generous…”
“Uh, generosity is my thing, dear. Hers is-”
“Kindness! The way she supports you. Encourages you. Makes the effort to understand what you’re going through..."
Radish thought back to how she comforted him at the dinner party. He wondered how another dinner with her- just her- might go.
I’d take her to a nice restaurant, of course. The kind with a candle on the table. And a guy playing a violin. We’d both come dressed to the nines.
"...and she’d be the most beautiful mare in the room…"
“Uh, what room? Where are you?”
I’ve spent years imagining a life spent with Celestia. Strolls on the beach. Picnics in the gardens. Cuddling in front of a fireplace on cold winter nights. Why should all that go to waste? I can still have that life, with someone who appreciates me. Someone kind…supportive… loving…
Radish felt his heartbeat quicken and his face grow hot.
"Why, Radish... you're blushing !"
Radish turned away. "No, I'm not. Guards don't blush."
"I do believe you’re feeling that stir of passion, dear."
“I… I think you’re right. What do I do?”
“I’m afraid this is where my intervention ends, Radish. Remember- I swore off matchmaking my friends. If you wish to pursue her, I will neither help nor hinder you. You must do this without me.”
“Can you at least tell me what kind of flowers she likes?”
“Ooh, I’m just dying to! But I must stick to my principles. Stick to them like bees stick to gardenias.”
“Well, thanks anyway. I’ll figure something out.”
“No, I’m saying I’m standing firm on this. Standing firm as a well-watered gardenia .”
“I can just ask the palace florist for advice. Have a good afternoon. Enjoy the galleries.”
“Radish, you absolute… oh, I see. Hilarious .”
No one else visited the ceramics gallery all day, except a hoofpony who approached Radish at the end of his shift.
“Lieutenant Root, Princess Luna requires you in her bedroom.”
Radish waited for him to hear himself.
“Ah, that is to say- in her bedridden state, her highness requests the company of her ‘Champion’ to comfort her.”
“Thank you. That’s what I thought you meant.”
Radish entered Luna’s bedroom. A doctor, nurse, and wizard were seeing to her. She dismissed them as he approached.
“Radish Root. So good of you to come.”
He took a stool at her bedside. Her mane wafted weakly and her eyes were glassy.
“Princess. What’s wrong?”
“Fret not. This is but simple exhaustion. I have been overexerting myself during my dream duties.”
“You shouldn’t work so hard.”
“A worthy princess works tirelessly for her subjects.”
“And a worthy guard works tirelessly for his princess. How can I help?”
“Just sit and talk with me a bit. How are you?”
“I’m doing okay. Princess… I want you to know I took your words to heart. I’m really trying to move past my crush on Celestia. To support her as she… finds happiness with someone else.”
“Oh, Radish, forgive me. I was too hard on you.”
“No. You were right. I think I'm ready for someone else, now.”
“Really? I am glad. But Radish, I… ahh!”
She gripped her head and shuddered.
Radish stood up. “Princess!”
“Just a headache,” she said. “Please, distract me from the pain. Let us speak on pleasant things. You’ve kept up with our book club?”
Radish sat down. “I’m halfway through Herd and Prejudice . I uh, don’t understand the main character. I don’t get what she wants out of life.”
Luna smiled. “Ah, Radish Root, her ways seem mysterious to you because she is an elegant lady of a more refined age.”
“Like y-”
Radish cut himself off. Luna smiled.
“I was in the moon during that particular age. I can only experience it through literature, as you do. The world I left behind was much more rough around the edges.”
“Oh.”
“And please, do not hesitate to pay me compliments.”
“Okay.”
“Now, let us discuss the story. Where do you think it’s going?”
“Well...”
Radish and Luna chatted about the novel for another hour, until a servant announced that Spike had arrived with her supper.
“Have him wait a minute.” She turned to Radish.”Radish, I wish to… gah!”
She gripped her head again. Her whole body tensed in pain. Tears formed in the corner of her eyes.
Radish held her shoulder to steady her. “This isn’t exhaustion! What’s really going on?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“This started when Halcyon showed up, didn’t it?”
“He is not the cause.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because these pains are coming from the world of dreams.”
“What? You mean, you’re under attack by some kind of nightmare monster!?”
She relaxed and sat back. “No. There is a disruption in the dream world. Like a burning, shrieking wind. The more time I spend there, the more it pains me.”
“Then stop going there!”
“Would you abandon your own duties over some aches and pains?”
“My duty is to keep you safe! Princess, could this be Nightmare Moon’s doing?”
“She is gone, Radish. Purged from existence.”
“But her stuff is still around. Her lairs and weapons are still out there. She had all kinds of secret plans, even against you. Could she have left some plan in motion?"
“Her magic leaves a recognizable signature. This is not one of her machinations.”
“What about Discord? He left traps behind for you, too.”
Luna motioned to her side table. There was an empty flask laying on its side.
“I had that suspicion myself,” she said. “I used the spores from Never Atoll to make an anti-chaos potion. It had no effect. This is not chaos magic at work, either.”
“Princess Luna, first there was that sun blackout, and now there’s this burning wind in the dream world. It’s like both night and day are under attack. As your Champion, I need to know what’s going on so I can protect you. What aren’t you telling me?”
She weakly placed a hoof on his arm.
“Radish, I appreciate how much you care. But some problems are not yours to solve.”
“Please?”
“Let us plan our next book club meeting. I would like to have a thorough discussion of the novel's ending."
“Princess…”
“Next Tuesday at seven will do.”
Radish sighed. “Okay. Just promise me you’ll still be around by then.”
“I promise.”
Spike entered, exactly one minute to the tick after Luna’s order. He was carrying a domed serving tray.
“Oh, hey, Radish.”
“Hi, Spike.”
Spike set the tray down on a table by the bed and hopped up on the stool next to it. He took off the cover, revealing a miniature trough made of fine crystal. It was filled to the brim with porridge.
“Spike, this is far too much,” said Luna.
“I just thought you might need some extra nutrition. You know… for your condition.”
“Spike, I am not pregnant!”
Radish entered the training gym to see Maple Bar slamming Rhum Runner into the gym mat.
“Ow,” said Rhum Runner.
“Three!” called the referee.
They walked to a bench along the wall to towel off.
“Hey, Root, wanna go next?" asked the organizer.
“Sure. Versus who?”
“Um… excuse me, Radish,” said a gentle voice behind him.
He turned and saw Fluttershy.
“Oh, Fluttershy! It’s nice to see you!
“Likewise.”
“How may I help you? Or… did you come to watch me fight?” Radish asked hopefully.
“I’m next. I’m your next opponent.”
Radish stared.
“Uh… are you sure?”
“Yes. You see, I recently went through some assertiveness training and they say if you don’t keep up your skills, you lose them, so I just thought that maybe wrestling royal guards in front of a crowd is a good way to, um, keep my teeth sharp.”
Radish stared.
“That is,” she said, hiding half her face under her hair, “unless you’re too chicken to fight me.”
She cracked a warm smile. Radish’s heart felt light.
“Okay. Let’s go.”
They squared off. Radish approached Fluttershy warily. He knew not to underestimate her. He knew her frailty was all surface-level, and she was hiding an enormous inner strength. He knew she had gone toe-to-toe with some of the world’s most dangerous creatures and come out on top.
Don't get distracted. But don't hurt her. But don't come off too gentle. But avoid her stare. And-
"If somepony wants to throw down, show 'em you're no clown!" barked Fluttershy.
"What?"
She sprang on him. She got her hooves around Radish’s shoulders and pushed him. He got his around hers and pushed back.
She tripped on her own hooves and fell backwards. Radish pinned her, and the referee gave a three-count.
“Oh, that was fast,” she said, lying on her back. Radish helped her up.
“Nice moves,” Radish said.
“No, they weren’t. But I had fun trying.”
“Well, you have good reach. If you keep low and use that reach, you might could win the next match. I could show you some moves if you'd like.”
“I’m sorry, but we’re leaving Canterlot today.”
“Oh, I thought you’re all helping with the Halcyon thing.”
“Princess Celestia says she has a slew of experts working on it now, and she’ll contact us as we’re needed. We all have our lives to get back to in Ponyville, after all.”
“I see. Well, safe travels home."
“Thanks. And good luck wrestling everyone else.”
“Thanks.”
She started to trot away.
“Uh… Fluttershy?”
She stopped and looked back.
“Yes?”
“Would you…”
Fluttershy stared, waiting.
“I mean… do you…”
“What is it?”
“Would you… uh… tell Spike goodbye for me?”
“Oh, he’s staying to help Princess Luna. He’s convinced he knows more about her condition than the doctors.”
“Oh, okay. Thanks anyway.”
She smiled and nodded, then trotted off. Radish watched her leave out the door, then let out a breath. He turned to see Maple Bar, Rhum Runner, and Flash Sentry staring at him.
“Root, that looked painful,” said Rhum Runner. “Need a hug?”
Radish took a meal in the commissary. Shining Armor approached him.
“Captain?”
"Root, Halcyon wants to talk to you."
“Why?”
"Excuse me, Root?"
“I mean, yes sir.”
“Go meet him in the orrery, ASAP. And play nice.”
“Of course, sir.”
The royal orrery was a massive clockwork model of the solar system commissioned by Celestia centuries before Radish was born. It was housed in a large room in the palace’s Astronomy and Astrology Tower, which also contained various laboratories dedicated to each, as well as a planetarium open to tourists. The building was topped by the royal observatory. Radish entered the orrery room to find Halcyon gazing up at the device.
“Look at it all, Radish Root,” Halcyon said. “The heavens cast in iron.”
The orrery was actually made of brass and steel, but Radish didn’t feel a need to correct him.
“Yes, sir. It’s quite a mechanism.”
“But it is obsolete. Many new planets and moons have been discovered since its construction.”
“Well, that’s just how science works. Our knowledge of the world improves every day.”
“Perhaps I could work with Princess Celestia to update it.”
“Are you an astronomy enthusiast, sir?”
“I find stargazing fascinating. And you?”
Radish trotted around the room. Arrays of blue lights were embedded along the upper walls in the form of star constellations. He pointed to one.
“That’s Aquarius. The Water-bearer. To the Black Bluffs, it symbolizes the unbroken chain of life that stretches back into prehistory, and which will continue until its time comes to an end.”
“What does it symbolize to you?”
“An unbroken promise.”
“To Celestia?”
“No. To her, I swore an oath on my own honor.”
“Radish Root, do not think me a fool.”
“I don’t.”
“I know what your cutie marks are.”
“Then why’d you ask?”
“Why did you hide them?”
“To spare Celestia the humiliation.”
“If you wish to spare Celestia humiliation, you should leave this palace and never return. Flee to another land. Live and die in obscurity.”
“I can’t. That oath I swore on my honor? I said I’d do my best to protect her and Equestria. I can’t do that if I leave.”
“She would hardly begrudge you breaking that oath if it meant never being burdened by your presence again.”
“We’re friends.”
“You can’t really believe that. Perhaps she’s spared your feelings too long. Perhaps she’d prefer that I made the request. Begone from this palace, Radish Root. You are a disgrace to everyone here. You have no place within these walls.”
“Celestia pays me to be within these walls.”
“She hired you out of pity.”
“She hired me because she knew I’d be good at the job.”
“She merely felt sorry for your unfortunate life circumstances.”
Radish narrowed his eyes. “Yeah? You know, since you were so curious about those circumstances… ”
Radish raised his armor and showed Halcyon his cutie mark. Halcyon scowled. Radish grinned.
“Looks pretty happy, doesn’t she?” said Radish, cheerfully pointing to the tiny Celestia. “Sometimes I wonder what’s going through her head. Probably nothing as good as what’s going through her-”
Halcyon swung his hoof at Radish’s face.
Radish flinched.
Halcyon’s hoof slammed into a pink transparent shield which had appeared between the two of them. The blow made a room-filling bright red flash on impact. Both stallions took a step back, rubbing their eyes.
"Please be careful, sir," said Shining Armor, entering the room with his horn glowing, "you almost hit one of my guards."
"I would expect one of your guards to have better manners," growled Halcyon.
Shining powered down his horn and the shield. "And I would expect Celestia’s personal guest to behave, even when she’s not around.”
“I shall… endeavor to show more restraint in the future,” muttered Halcyon. He turned and stomped out of the orrery, slamming the door behind him.
Shining Armor sighed. “You call that playing nice, Root?”
“Forgive me, sir. I’ve never been told to live and die in obscurity before.”
“Just… get going. It’s almost lights out.”
“Yes, sir.”
Shining Armor started to walk away, then looked over his shoulder.
“And for the record, Root, you’re not a disgrace to anyone here. I don’t let disgraces work for me. And even if he becomes prince of this castle, he doesn’t decide how my guards live and die. That’s my call.”
“Oh… thank you, sir.”
Shining Armor walked out. Radish gazed up at the slowly-moving brass planets. He approached them.
“I don’t suppose any of you can tell me what it all means, can you?” he asked them.
The planets didn’t answer him.
The Only Mark That Matters
Prince Blueblood watched the room beyond his cell flood with writhing, grasping vines. They entwined his cell’s bars and sprouted misshapen sacs, which burst into a fine light blue mist in the prince’s face. He felt his horn tingle.
“Oh, so it’s going to be like that , is it?”
A blur of brown and gold swept past his cell, shredding the vines into pieces. Saguaro Shade stood before Blueblood, sheathing his Grandiose Gladius. He saluted.
“Sir. I’m here to rescue you.”
“I thought I made it clear that I wanted no guards to follow me down here.”
“Forgive my presumption, sir. I was under the mistaken impression that you would require assistance.”
“Well, you might as well make yourself useful. Open this door.”
Saguaro Shade bucked one of the door’s hinges. The entire door twisted off and clattered to the floor.
“Must you be so violent?” grumbled the prince. “I am trying to establish a rapport with these dogs, and you’re destroying their property.”
“Forgive my rowdiness as well, sir. Now, if you would be so kind as to follow me.”
Saguaro Shade hacked a path through the vines. The two made it to the next room, and Saguaro jammed the door shut behind them.
“This is the way out,” the commander said, trotting to a far door.
“I am not looking for a way out. I came here for information, and I will not leave until I get it.”
Saguaro Shade sighed and turned around. “Your highness-”
Blueblood was no longer there.
“How in the-”
Radish landed in a pile of loose earth, atop a pile of firm clay, atop a pile of gravel. He shook the dirt out of his mane and wiped it out of his eyes. He looked around. He was in a massive underground open space, lit by softly-glowing lamps mounted on the walls. It was a warzone.
The black vines were coming out of the walls, ceiling, and floor. Dozens of diamond dogs were fighting against them- slicing them with their claws, ripping them apart with their teeth, and skewering them with their spears. The dogs were slowly losing ground against the sheer numbers of their enemy.
Radish looked around and saw his armor lying in a heap. He redonned it, and then noticed Eddie digging at a lump in the pile. It was Timber Spruce, half-buried in the dirt. Radish pulled him out. Timber coughed up a gob of soil, then took in the scene in front of him. “Whoa.”
Radish unsheathed his sword. “Eddie, get back in my bag. Spruce, get behind cover.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I swore an oath to protect Equestria’s peoples from all opposers. Its peoples include diamond dogs, and its opposers… are everywhere.”
“You can’t win against those plants.” He gestured to the dogs. “They can’t win against those plants.”
“You’re the one who formed a symbiosis with them. You must have learned something. How do we stop them?”
Timber rubbed his head, trying to think. “I… don’t know. These plants seem to combine traits from several highly invasive species- river goatweed, rockthorn, throttling vine…”
“I know from experience that Discord is lazy. When he creates something, he cobbles it together from pre-existing things. If any of those species have notable weaknesses, they would have been cobbled in, as well.”
“Well, river goatweed dies off quickly in saline soil. Rockthorn is highly susceptible to iron poisoning. And throttling vine… uh…”
“Yes?”
“...throttling vine…”
“Come on, Spruce. You’ve got this.”
“...throttling vine has an allergic reaction to silver! It’s why they call it ‘werewolf creeper’ down south.”
“Okay. So, salt, iron, and silver.”
Several vines burst down from the ceiling, careening toward Radish and Timber. Radish readied his sword. A massive female diamond dog, white with black spots, landed in front of the ponies and seized the vines in her paws, holding them at bay.
“Ponies know how to kill vines?” she asked.
“How did you-” started Radish.
“Diamond dogs have good ears. I have been listening to ponies. You have plan or not?”
“I do,” said Timber. “Do you know where their root system is?”
“Yes! I will take you!”
She tied the vines in her paws into a knot and kicked the mass away. She faced into the chamber, arched her back, and howled. The calls echoed throughout the chamber, and several other dogs howled back. She nodded, then grabbed Radish and Timber, slung them onto her back, and leapt away. She loped down a side tunnel, carrying the ponies through several dark descending passages.
“I am Bertha,” the dog said as she ran. “I take care of diamond dogs’ food and water.”
“I’m Radish.”
“I’m Timber.”
“Good names,” Bertha said. “Very earthy.”
The end of the last tunnel terminated into a cavern split by a yawning crevasse half-filled with water. An enormous tangle of pale roots had broken through the solid rock wall and sharply angled down into the pool. It seemed to be pulsing like a heart.
“Big root is sucking up our water,” said Bertha, putting the ponies down.
“I thought so,” said Timber Spruce. “I could feel it when I was connected to them. The roots from all the vines have combined into a massive aggregate taproot. The whole system is being fed here.”
Numerous dogs were standing on the ledges of the crevasse, throwing spears at it. One leapt onto the root with a torch in his mouth, but let go with a yelp, falling down into the water below.
“It hurts to touch,” Bertha explained. “Makes paws feel like they’re on fire.”
“It looks like it’s part scorpion fern, too,” said Timber Spruce. “Scorpion fern roots have nettles that can sting you badly, even through the toughest of gloves.”
“Damn,” said Radish. “Okay, we should start by gathering-”
“Salt and iron? That’s what I was howling for,” Bertha said, gesturing behind them. Several large guard dogs had joined them from the tunnel, each carrying large wooden barrels. They put them down and popped them open- some were full of salt, and some were full of rusty iron scraps. “We just pour into the water, yes?”
“You’re okay with dumping all this in your water?” Radish asked.
“Diamond dogs will be fine,” Bertha said with a shrug. “We eat rusty nails for breakfast. With lots of salt.”
Timber nodded. The dogs kicked the open barrels into the pool.
The pool turned from blue to a mix of white and red. The massive taproot seemed to slow its pumping, then convulsed. Long cracks in the root split open lengthwise, revealing a red gooey pulp in its center. A high-pitched squeal echoed throughout the cave.
“Did that do it?” asked Radish.
Suddenly, dozens of the thorny vines burst out of the walls. Some took up defensive positions in front of the root, and some swatted at the guard dogs on the ledges, knocking several into the water. Radish dove and shoved Timber out of the way just as a thick gnarled vine slammed into the spot he had been standing. The remaining dogs piled on top of it and wrestled it down. Its tip sprouted a giant toothy flytrap mouth which snapped at Bertha. She caught its spindly teeth in her paws.
“Brown pony mentioned a third weakness!” she barked. “Use it quickly!”
“Silver!” yelled Radish. “Do you have any?”
“No silver in these mines!” she called, “Only gems!”
“Damn it,” cursed Radish. “Okay, I think I know-”
The vine threw off the rest of the guard dogs, flicking them into the crevasse. The flytrap slammed Bertha into the ceiling, then into the floor. Timber leapt behind it and put it in a chokehold. It undulated wildly in his grasp. Radish slashed it top-to-bottom with his sword. It stopped moving.
“Major, we need silver badly,” said Timber.
“I would recommend against that. Silver has been on the decline all this week.” said Prince Blueblood.
The three turned to see him standing casually at their side. Radish took a beat to recognize him. “What the? Prince Blueblood ?”
“Indeed I am. I have come to-”
“Never mind!” howled Bertha. “Does fancy pony have any silver?”
“Well, of course I do!” scoffed a deeply-offended Blueblood. “My bed’s frame alone was crafted-”
“She means with you right now, sir, ” said Radish through gritted teeth.“We need it to destroy all these vines, sir. ”
“Ah, I see.” He held up a large silver coin stamped with a coat of arms Radish didn’t recognize. “This was gifted to me by the Tsarina of-”
“Thank you, sir! ” said Radish, taking it.
“See those red fissures in the roots?” Timber said. “That’s the throttling vine’s xylem. That’s what we need to poison with the silver!”
Radish considered his options. I can’t get up to that root, and a coin isn’t made for throwing. I could stick it to the tip of my spear, but with all those vines protecting it, I’d need to make a diving spear toss through them… which I’m too bulky to pull off with enough accuracy.
“Bertha, can you throw me onto that thing?”
“Root will sting Radish,” she said, shaking her head. “Radish will fall off.”
“I can handle the pain.”
“Major,” said Timber, “you really can’t. Scorpion fern can knock an elephant out.”
“Then what do-” Radish felt a pull at his side. He looked down to see Eddie tugging his fur with a coil. Eddie pointed to himself with his tail.
“No, Eddie, you’re just an intern.”
“But ladder-backed rattlesnakes are immune to plant toxins!” said Timber Spruce. “If he can get up there, he can get the coin in the roots.”
“Okay, then, we’ve got a plan,” said Radish. “Eddie, you take the coin and climb on my spear. Bertha, you throw me over the gorge, and I’ll throw the spear at the root. Eddie will get to the finish line and stick the coin in.”
“But Radish could fall into water,” noted Bertha.
“Yeah, well, I could use a bath anyway. But I can’t swim in armor, though.”
Radish put down his weapons and took off his armor. Prince Blueblood saw his cutie mark and gasped with horror.
“You… you… how dare you !”
“What? Oh, that.”
The prince raised his hoof at Radish. “How dare you paint such filth of my aunt on your body!?”
“Sir, it’s just my-”
Blueblood swung the back of his hoof at Radish’s face. Radish leaned back, dodging it with ease.
“Stand still, miscreant!” ordered Blueblood. “You have impugned my family’s honor, and I demand satisfaction!”
“Sir! We do not have time for this!”
“Silence! I’ll have you put in the-ahhh!”
Bertha kicked Prince Blueblood over the edge of the crevasse. He plunged howling with indignation into the water below.
“Fancy pony was getting on Bertha’s nerves,” she said with a shrug.
“Mine, too. Thanks, Bertha,” said Timber Spruce, smiling up at her.
“Well, I know he can swim- he’s got like three yachts,” said Radish, looking over the cliff. “Let’s finish this.”
Eddie took the coin in his mouth and climbed onto Radish’s spear. Radish took his spear up, and Bertha picked him up and held him in her paws, getting a feel for his weight.
“Good luck, Radish pony.”
She threw Radish.
He sailed through the air, narrowly avoiding wriggling vines. One snagged his tail and held tight.
“Gah!”
He dangled upside-down, barely having managed to keep holding onto his spear. His blood rushed to his head. He looked at Eddie.
“All right, Eddie, time to bring home the silver.”
He launched his spear. The rest of the vines turned their attention to it, rushing it from all sides. Several of them grabbed it, and Eddie leapt off the spear just as the vines twisted it to pieces.
He landed on the taproot, reeled his head back, and struck forward, jamming the coin into the pulsing red tissue.
The entire root system hissed, releasing bursts of red vapor. Its surface bubbled and gray spots appeared up and down its entire length. Parts of it melted into goo and fell off, other pieces flaked away into dust.
Every vine in the room twitched violently. The whole cavern quaked, sending chunks of rocks raining down around Radish.
“Run!” he called to Timber and Bertha. The vine lost his grip on his tail, and he fell. He quickly protected his face with his hooves and plunged into the cold water.
A current swept him sideways, scraping him across one of the rocky sides of the reservoir. He felt something grab his shoulders and yank him out of the water.
He opened his eyes to find himself on a stone outcropping along the water’s edge. There was a dim tunnel entrance in the rock face leading to complete darkness. Prince Blueblood, now dripping wet, was standing at his side glaring down at him.
“Hello, your highness. I’m relieved to see you’re all right.”
“Churlish knave!” he bellowed imperiously. "I challenge you to a duel, for my family’s honor."
Radish sat up and squeezed the water out of his mane. "Prince Blueblood, we’re in the middle of a national emergency.”
“I am the nation! And you have impugned it with your vulgarity!”
“Okay, you know what? Fine. If you want to fight, I’ll oblige. But you should know that I’m the palace title holder, and I’ve had a very long day.”
Blueblood put up his dukes. “You don't frighten me. Have at you, fink!”
He took a swipe at Radish. Radish caught Blueblood’s hoof, twisted it behind his back, pinned him down, and wrapped his other hoof around the prince’s neck.
“Gaaak!”
“Give up?”
“Never!”
Radish pressed the prince’s hoof and squeezed his neck tighter.
“Urkk…”
“How about now?”
“Root? Is that you?”
Radish turned to see Saguaro Shade approaching from the tunnel. Lieutenant Scatter Shot and Marble Pie were behind him, along with several diamond dogs carrying torches.
“Hello, sir,” said Radish.
“What are you doing?” the commander asked.
“His royal highness here demanded satisfaction.”
“I see. Well, hurry up. There’s news of happenings topside.”
“We got howls from all over! Black vines are retreating!” barked one of the dogs.
“Glad to hear it.” Radish twisted Blueblood’s hoof a little more.
“Aauggh! I yield! I yield! Get off me, you brute!”
“Yes, sir.”
Radish climbed off Blueblood and extended a hoof to help him up. Blueblood rebuffed it with a harrumph and walked up to Saguaro Shade.
“Commander, when we get back to the castle, we are going to discuss that spearhorse’s future.”
“You’ll have to bring it up with your aunts, sir. They’ve been found, safe and sound.”
“Ah ha! I told you we’d have them back before supper.”
“That you did, sir.”
The group headed off down the tunnel. Radish moved alongside Scatter Shot and Marble. “It’s good to see you two all right.”
“Likewise, sir,” said Scatter Shot. Marble smiled and nodded.
One of the diamond dogs, a small brown male, leaned and whispered into Radish’s ear. “If you defeated the prince pony, does that mean you are now the prince pony?”
Radish shook his head. “No. It doesn’t work like that.”
“But your pony butt-picture shows you mounting the pony princess. It is your destiny, no?”
Marble Pie’s eyes drifted down to Radish’s cutie mark. She blushed and looked away.
“It doesn’t work like that, either,” sighed Radish.
The brown dog shook his head. “Pony butt-pictures are silly, anyway- destiny belongs in your head, not on your butt.”
“I like that,” said Radish. “Our peoples should spend time together outside of crises.”
“But ponies have crises all the time.”
“I know. But I’m working on that.”
The Only Mark That Matters
“Rad, can we get going already?”
“Just a minute, Fan.”
Radish stared at his new cutie marks in his hotel bathroom mirror. He checked the left one, then the right one, then glanced back and forth between them several times.
“Are you sure they’re the same?” he asked Light. “If they’re not perfectly symmetrical, everyone will know they’re fake.”
“No one at the reunion is going to be going over your cutie marks with a microscope.”
“What if there’s a pony who’s special talent is noticing tiny details?”
“Then maybe I can draw their attention. How do I look?” Light asked, joining him in the mirror.
Radish turned to look at her. She had reapplied the makeup and outfit that Rarity had helped her pick out. Radish smiled.
“You look beautiful. All the guys are going to be asking how a guy like me landed a hot girlfriend like you.”
“Ooh, maybe they’ll think I’m a hired escort. Let’s see how many guys ask for my price!”
“Let’s just go.”
The two left their hotel and made their way to Radish’s class reunion on hoof. Before moving to the Flint Steppes, Radish’s family had lived in Tailer, a medium-sized town in Equestria’s hill country province. The reunion was being held at his old school. Radish only had the vaguest memories of the town, and everything seemed unfamiliar to him as they walked.
“What exactly happens at school reunions?” asked Light. “I’ve only seen them in movies.”
“Just catch up, I guess. Brag about accomplishments.”
“You’ve got plenty of those.”
“Yeah, but a lot of them are classified.”
“Then just name-drop all the famous ponies you know. And plug my store while you’re at it.”
They reached the school. A friendly banner welcoming alumni was hung over the entrance, and numerous ponies were making their way inside. Radish checked them in at a folding table set up inside.
“Radish Root, plus one.”
Light smirked at Radish as they filled out and applied name tags. “You know, this is the first time I’ve attended something as your plus one.”
“Well, I really think of you as my plus infinity.”
“Rad, try to keep your cheese in its can tonight, okay?”
“Okay.”
They followed signs to the gymnasium, where paper decorations, refreshments tables, and a band playing soft rock were set up.
“Radish? Radish Root? Is that you?”
They turned. A tall, slender pronghorn doe was walking toward them. Radish gasped.
“Praline? Praline Stottingstepper?”
“Radish! Look at you, all grown up!” They clasped hooves. “I’m so glad you could come!”
“Me too.”
She approached Light. “Wow, you look fantastic, Miss Fantastic.”
“Thanks. A friend helped.”
Praline noticed Radish’s side. “Oh, your cutie mark! It’s a radish!”
“Do you like it?”
“It suits you perfectly. But you’re not the only one who got their mark of adulthood. Take a look at these.” She bent her head down, showing off two small black horns. “I got my horns right around the time you moved away.”
“Ooh, they suit you perfectly, too,” said Radish. “They look powerful, yet elegant.”
Praline looked over to Light. “Is he always this effortlessly charming?”
“Yeah,” sighed Light. "Isn't it the worst?"
“Come on,” said Praline, “most of the old class showed up.”
She took the pair around the gym, reintroducing Radish and acquainting Light with attendees. Radish didn’t remember many of them at first, but when they started recounting anecdotes from their school days, his memories came creeping back.
Radish and Light soon found themselves talking to an old classmate, an easygoing green earth stallion. He was accompanied by his wife, a pastel purple unicorn mare.
“Royal Guard? No kidding!” said the stallion. “You were always a big fan of all that royal stuff, weren’t you?”
“That’s right.”
“Then, how does your cutie mark relate to that?”
“I like to think it represents how I’ll hold firm like a root in defense of Equestria.”
“Hey, that’s swell,” the stallion said. He turned to show his own cutie mark, a length of train tracks. “I got a train cutie mark because I like trains. So now I design trains.”
“I like it,” Radish said.
“Now, Radish,” the mare said, “if you’re a palace guard, does that mean you were there for the arrest of Worthy Wagoner?”
“Yes. I worked on that case, in fact.”
“I have to thank you, then,” she said affably. “I’m in the real estate biz, and the Wagoners’ real estate firm was the biggest competition in town. But Worthy’s arrest knocked all the Wagoner businesses down a few pegs.”
“I do what I can to help the little guy,” Radish said with a shrug.
Radish and Light visited the refreshments table, where a big gray stallion pulled Radish aside and leaned on his shoulder. He spoke and smelled as if he was a few drinks into the evening.
“Say, did you fight in the Battle of the Brides?”
“I did.”
“How many changelings did you kill?”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s too bad I wasn’t there. I woulda squashed the whole lot of those bugs! Hi-yah!”
He punched the air next to Radish’s head. Radish raised an eyebrow. “Yes, too bad you weren’t there. Excuse me.”
Radish moved away from him and looked for Light. He saw her talking to a group of mares. He started off in her direction, but was accosted by several unsupervised foals. They surrounded him from all sides.
“Have you really met the princesses?” asked a pegasus colt.
“Oh, sure,” Radish said. “All four of them.”
“Which one’s the prettiest?” asked a unicorn filly.
“You know, I think they’re all the prettiest.”
“That’s a stupid answer,” scoffed an earth colt.
Radish tried to ignore the boy and walk away, but an earth filly jumped in front of him.
“Have you met Discord?” she asked excitedly.
“Uh… not really.”
“Did you know that he and Princess Celestia are in love with each other?”
“They’re not ,” Radish stated firmly.
“Yeah, they are! And Princess Luna was in love with King Sombra.”
“Sombra? What the f… I don’t believe that’s true, miss.”
“Yeah, it is!” the girl asserted. “They got secretly married, but when Celestia banished Sombra, Luna got so mad she turned into Nightmare Moon.”
“Young lady , this is historical revisionism bordering on slander.”
“Nuh-uh!”
“Yuh-huh!”
Radish felt a hoof hooking around his foreleg. He looked to see Praline. “Sorry kids,” she said, “but I’m going to have to tear Radish away from you now. Go try the brownies.”
Praline led Radish off into a corner.
“Thanks,” he said.
“I take it you don’t deal with kids much?”
“I’ve put a lot of effort into avoiding kids most my life. I feel vindicated now.”
“Come with me, there’s something I want to show you.”
She led him out of the gym, down the hallways, and through a door into a classroom. She clicked on the lights.
“Do you remember this place?” she asked. “It’s our old homeroom. This is where we met.”
Radish looked around. The furniture was of a more modern style than he remembered, the books and magazines were all recent, and the green chalkboards had been replaced with white dry erase boards.
“It’s changed.”
“But some things never change. Look," she said, pointing at a wall, "that's still there. Remember it?”
She directed his attention to an old poster of Princess Celestia. The princess was looking down at the viewer with a joyful smile. Yellow block letters across the top and bottom read, “THE WORLD SHINES BRIGHTER WHEN WE’RE KIND TO EACH OTHER!”
Radish stared at it. A year’s worth of old memories rushed up on him.
“Oh. This is… this is how it all began. This was the first time I saw Celestia. I mean, the newspaper would have little black-and-white photos of her, and she’s on coins and stuff… but this poster was the first time I saw her life-size, in full color… and smiling. It changed something in me. From then on, I wanted to make her smile like that.”
Praline grinned broadly at him. “And you let everyone in class know it. Whenever you got a good grade on something, you said you wished you could show it to Celestia. Whenever we had any kind of report to do, you’d find a way to pick Celestia as the topic. Whenever a girl got a new haircut, you’d compare her mane to Celestia’s.”
“You… you must have thought I was an idiot, falling in love with a piece of paper.”
She shook her head. “No, I didn’t. Look at its message- be kind to each other. You took that to heart, didn’t you?”
“I suppose? It’s a pretty standard thing to tell kids. It’s not even a good rhyme.”
“When I first started at this school, I was scared. The other foals didn’t know what to make of a fawn. But you didn’t care that I was different. You just walked right up to me and invited me to play. And the other kids soon joined in. I was never scared of coming to school after that.”
She hugged him. “It may have been because of a silly piece of paper, but my world did shine brighter when you were kind to me. I never got the chance to thank you for that, so… thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Radish, there’s another reason I needed to speak with you alone.”
The group of mares Light was chatting with was starting to wear on her nerves. They had first discussed all the inconveniences of traveling to the reunion, then went on to competitively compare their boyfriends’ irritating habits, then complained about various aspects of their lives, including their careers, their homes, and their families. She managed to break away from the group, then leaned against a wall, scanning the room for Radish. The pastel purple unicorn from before- the one who said she worked in real estate- leaned against the wall next to her.
“Having fun?” she asked.
“Oh, sure.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Well, I’m here for Radish. I’ve attended worse events for worse stallions.”
“I know what you mean. It can be as tedious to upkeep a relationship as it is to upkeep a property. But it’s usually worth it in the end.”
“Yeah.”
“It was very wise of you to invest in Radish.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, you know. Radish Root was the ultimate fixer-upper of a stallion: solid foundation, good looking exterior, warm comfortable interior… yet he was languishing on the market because of his cutie marks. But you saw the potential. All it took was a fresh coat of paint on those marks, and you turned that fixer-upper into valuable property. Something worth showing off.”
Light scowled. “I didn’t make Radish change his marks. He wanted to.”
“Don’t get defensive. Be proud of a successful remodeling.”
“You know what? Fuck you, bitch.”
She left the room. She wandered down the halls, and noticed a light coming from one of the classrooms.
Praline put a hoof on Radish’s shoulder. She gave him a serious look.
"Radish, I've reached the stage in my life where I'm looking to get married."
"Oh, uh…"
“And since I want children someday, my dating pool is limited to other pronghorns. There’s not that many in Canterlot, so I may have to move back west to find a buck.”
“Sorry.”
“But your dating pool is even more limited, isn’t it?”
“I’m not in the pool anymore. Light pulled me out of it.”
“Radish, I know what your cutie marks are. Your real cutie marks.”
“Oh…”
“Your dating pool is one single mare. You’re supposed to end up with Celestia.”
“That’s… that’s not necessarily what my marks mean.”
“Well, what else could they mean?”
Radish signed and looked out the classroom’s window, gazing out at the school’s front lawn. “It doesn’t really matter.”
“How can it not matter? Cutie marks are magical. They don’t appear for no reason.”
“Celestia has turned me down- like, four or five different times. It’s her decision, and I accept that.”
“Then she’s denying you your destiny. And depriving herself of hers, as well.”
“She has reasons for not pursuing romance.”
“Good reasons, or bad excuses?”
“I can’t even date a superior, anyway.”
“There’s a lot of jobs out there.”
“I’m happy with Light!”
“But aren’t you just stringing her along? If Celestia is really your destiny-”
“She’s not!”
“-then you’re just using Light as a placeholder. It’s not fair to either of you.”
“She is not a placeholder! I love her!”
Praline frowned. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m probably just projecting my own problems onto you. If you really love her, don’t listen to me.”
“Praline… to tell you the truth… I’m worried about Celestia. She's been alone for so long. I want her to find happiness with someone, even if it’s not me.”
"What are you going to do, play matchmaker for a princess?"
"Maybe. I don’t suppose you know any single guys who are good enough for her?"
“Not a single one. Sorry."
"Oh, well."
Praline leaned close. “Well, then… uh… are you and Light… very serious?”
“No, we make each other laugh all the time.”
She chuckled. “Okay, I won’t pry. But I’m glad you two found each other.”
“I know you’ll find someone, too.”
“Thanks. I’m going to the powder room. Save me a dance before you leave, okay?”
“All right.”
Praline left the classroom. She found Light standing by the door. Their eyes met. After a beat, Praline leaned over to Light.
“Take care of him.”
“I will.”
Praline walked away. Light entered the classroom and saw Radish staring up at the poster.
“Hi, Light.”
“That’s a nice poster. Would you like to keep it?”
“No. It could still do some good here. Did you get to know my classmates?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Did any guys ask you your price?”
“Nah.”
“Sorry.”
Radish and Light settled into their hotel room bed.
“So, was it worth it coming to your reunion?” Light asked.
“I didn’t feel much connection with most of my old classmates- or their kids- but at least my cutie marks passed for normal. And I’m glad I could catch up with Praline.”
“She has feelings for you, you know.”
“I know. But it’s not meant to be.”
“Hmm. Between her and Sky, were there any other broken hearts you’ve left in your wake?”
“Hey, come on.”
“No, I’m serious. I bet there’s been more than you’ve realized. Did you know any girls who would hang around you a lot? Seemed to pay you special attention? Maybe made excuses to see you?”
“No, Fan.”
“Okay.”
“I mean, there was this girl I knew in the Flint Steppes. A daughter of a friend of my folks. She would sometimes visit and invite me to go hiking, spelunking, stargazing, and so on. I usually said I was too busy.”
“Oh, great. Sounds like another one.”
“And of course, my cousin Ginger was always weirdly flirty with me- but, you know, in a joking way.”
“Come again?”
“And I guess there was that singer from across the lake. I wonder what happened to her…”
“What singer? Which lake?”
“Now that you mention it, Pinkie Pie’s sister always comes to Ponyville’s gym to watch me practice wrestling...”
“Uh huh.”
“And I can never really tell what’s going on in Luna’s head. Sometimes when she looks at me, I get this feeling…”
“Okay! Great. Thanks. You’ve answered my question.”
“Well, what about you? Are there any guys out there who might be carrying a torch for you?”
“No torches. Maybe some pitchforks.”
“Okay, good.”
The Only Mark That Matters
106. The Castle: Saturday
Twilight Sparkle climbed into her chair at her parents’ breakfast table. Her mother floated her a glass of orange juice. Her father folded the paper he was reading and slipped it under the classifieds.
“Oh, are you done with that section? May I see it?” she asked.
“Honey, I don’t think you’re going to like it,” he said.
“Why not?”
“It’s about you.”
“What? Let me see that.”
She took the paper in her aura. It was a popular tabloid. The front page had a picture of her and North Westing setting up his model rocket.
“Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, seen frolicking in Whinny Park with new beau. Do we hear wedding bells, or is she only interested in the… thrust of his rocket? ”
Her mother let out a laugh. Twilight frowned.
“It’s not funny. This could disrupt North’s life, you know.”
“It already has,” said Night Light. “Read on.”
“The stallion declined to comment, as did his family, neighbors, co-workers, old schoolmates, and… dentist? Ugh. I should give these parasites a piece of my mind.”
“Honey, the tabloid news cycle lasts hours,” said Night Light. “Everypony will forget this by tomorrow.”
“Well, I’m not going to let them ruin my new friendship. And they’re going to get an earful about journalistic standards.”
“Dear, maybe you should have breakfast first,” said Twilight Velvet.
“Yes, and don’t read the bit at the end,” warned Night Light.
Twilight read the bit at the end.
“Meanwhile, her on-again, off-again lover… Private Radish Root… was spotted sharing a romantic candlelit meal with her own employee, Rainbow Dash, in her Ponyville castle. He’s not a private! She’s not my employee! And there’s not even a candle in this picture! And does everypony think I have a thing for Radish?”
“We sure did,” said Night Light.
“So did Shining and Cadance,” said Twilight Velvet.
“Your aunt Milky thinks you live with him,” said Night Light.
“Really?”
“Oh, sweetie,” said Twilight Velvet. “You’re going to have to get used to gossip if you’re a princess. Just think of all the tabloid headlines Celestia has had to deal with over the years. She never pays it any mind.”
“That’s right,” said Night Light. “Why, when Radish got a job at the palace, that rag claimed she was hiring him as a secret consort.”
“I remember.”
“Oh! And when Shining got promoted to captain, they claimed he slept his way to the top!” laughed Twilight Velvet.
“What!?”
“And-”
“Okay, never mind. But I’m still going to talk to North.”
“Invite him to dinner! We’d love to meet him,” said Night Light.
Spike entered the kitchen, sleepily rubbing his eyes.
“Hey. Is that you in the paper?”
Twilight disintegrated the tabloid.
“Nope.”
Radish sat back from the castle doors and wiped his brow. Installing locks was easy. Doing it with the materials available on-hoof so he wouldn’t have to abandon the castle to visit the hardware store- that had been difficult. Placing tripwire where it won’t be noticed would be a real challenge.
But it’s what Twilight needs.
“Dashie! Look! You made the papers again!” said Windy Whistles, holding up a tabloid for Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash looked up from her bowl of Wonderbolts-branded breakfast cereal. “For the Tirek thing?”
“No, for a scandalous celebrity love quadrangle!” she said, cheerfully. “Isn't that great?”
“Huh? Let me see that.” Dash read over the article, muttering. “Heh, they think Twilight’s dating some toy rocket dork. But where’s… employee!? Romantic!? Ugh. Radish wishes.”
She started to ball up the paper.
“Don’t crumple it!” said her father. “We're going to frame it next to the others!”
“Ugh.”
Rainbow Dash watched her mother flit through the kitchen, preparing multiple breakfast dishes at once.
“Hey, uh, do you think I could help with dinner tonight?”
Her mother turned to her in surprise. “You want to cook?”
“It’s not weird. Lots of the Wonderbolts cook. The Plains Rangers even have their own cookbook.”
“All right!” her father cheered. “Best chef in Equestria!”
“Ugh.”
Luna stepped into Cat’s Howl. Light Fantastic looked up from her counter.
“Oh, welcome back, princess!”
“Miss Fantastic!”
“Call me ‘Fanny’.”
“No.”
“Just ‘Light’, then.”
“Light, I had a lot of fun with you and Splash Page yesterday, learning of this new age of sequential art. Now I would like to reciprocate.”
“Oh?”
“I want to show you my most private place.”
“Uh…”
“A hidden sanctuary in town, known only to myself. I set it up thirteen hundred years ago, and it has remained hidden and sealed since my… well, you know. Descent into madness and evil.”
“Wait, like some kind of secret moon princess hideout?”
“Yes. Back then, I often needed to get away from the palace, and relax in a place with no guards, servants… or sisters.”
“That sounds cool! Can we go after work?”
“Yes. We can fly there together.”
“I’ll bring us dinner.”
“How thoughtful! And to think, Celestia finds you off-putting. Shows what she knows, eh?”
“Huh?”
Apple Bloom knocked on the door of Twilight’s castle. A weighted net fell onto her.
“Hey! What in the-!”
Radish sprang from the bushes with his sword in mouth. He raised an eyebrow.
“Uh, Mister Root?”
He spit his sword into his hoof. “Major .”
“Sorry. Major Root. What’s with the net?”
“I had intruder problems yesterday.”
“Oh? That’s terrible!”
“What are you doing here?”
“Delivering a gift for Twilight’s new home. A genuine Apple Family apple peeler/corer! We hoof-make them ourselves!”
She held up the peeler/corer. Radish peered at it suspiciously.
“Oh yeah? If it’s really what you claim it is, then let’s see it peel and core an apple.”
“Uh… alright.”
She pulled a red delicious out of her bag and stuck it in the device, giving its crank a few turns. It peeled and cored the apple with ease.
“Ta-da!” she said. "No fuss, no muss. You can order one, but give six to eight weeks for delivery.”
She chomped the peeled and cored apple, savoring its crunch.
“Okay,” said Radish. “That checks out.”
Radish let Apple Bloom out of the net.
“If you’ve got sneaks around here, I can lend you Winona!” she said. “She’ll sniff them out, lickey-split!”
“Thanks, but it could be dangerous for her. These intruders are professionals- they didn’t even leave a trace.”
“Then how do you know they were here?”
“I could hear them laughing at me.”
“Oh. You know, I’m gonna go.”
“Stay safe, Apple Bloom.”
“Tryin’ to.”
“Hey. You. Get up.”
Summer Breeze cracked open her eyelids. She was on a couch in a dorm room.
“What time is it?”
“Time for you to leave,” said the dorm's resident. "Party’s over.”
“What happened to me?”
“You drank half my booze, is what happened.”
“I did you a favor. That stuff was rotgut.”
“Could you please go now?”
“Oh, I’m going, all right. I’m going to give Light Fantastic a piece of my mind.”
“Who?”
Light Fantastic and Princess Luna stared at an ancient brick wall by Canterlot’s riverwalk.
“It was here, I am sure of it,” said Luna. “Ah! Here we go!”
She pointed her horn at a single brick, which flipped around. The whole wall slid open.
“Whoa!” exclaimed Light. “Thousands of ponies must have walked past this wall over the years, and no one knew this was here.”
“Come! Let us see how time has treated my hideaway.”
They descended a long brick stairwell. Luna lit the way with her horn.
“Ugh, it is really dusty in here,” said Light, coughing.
“Here,” said Luna, and cast a glow over the two of them. “This is an air filtration spell, to protect our lungs. Used by miners, chemists, and palace maids.”
“Aww, thanks. I can see why Rad likes you so much.”
“Oh? He said that?”
“Not so much in his words, but in his tone.”
They reached a solid stone wall. Luna tapped it in three places, and it vanished, revealing a large round room with a sunken center. A soft blue glow emanated from a large ring inset into the ceiling. There were tables, chairs, sofas, and a bed.
“So this is furniture from thirteen hundred years ago?”
“Yes. Nice, isn’t it?”
Light looked at the bed. It was massive. “You ever take guys down here for a little fun?”
“Light, that is personal. Our friendship has not yet reached the level at which we may discuss our sexual histories.”
“Well, we’ll get there some day.”
Luna led Light over a workbench.
“As Nightmare Moon, I tinkered with fiendish weapons and evil plots. But before that, I would come here, and tinker with small creative projects that soothed me.”
“No kidding? You’re an artist?”
“Hardly. A dabbler. A dilettante.”
Light examined the tools on the bench.
“Oh, woodworking! That’s tough to do. Is anything you made still here?”
“Uh, let’s see.”
She opened a cabinet.
“Ah! Behold!”
She pulled out a small painted wooden figurine of a dragon.
“Whoa, cool! That looks great!”
“You flatter me. It was frustrating to get right. This is the product of many failed attempts.”
“You know, I could sell your art in my shop.”
“Light, friends should not go into business together.”
“That would go for seven hundred bits. Ten times that with your autograph on it.”
“And your cut?”
“Twenty percent.”
“Ten.”
“Fifteen.”
“Deal! Oh dear, are we walking back our friendship and becoming business partners? Quick, let’s have the dinners you brought, so we can deepen our personal bond over a shared meal.”
“Okay.”
“And if that is successful, then we may speak of who I brought down here for dalliances.”
“All right!”
Summer Breeze stomped up to Cat’s Howl. The store was dark, the door was locked, and a “CLOSED” sign hung inside it.
“Yeah? Close this ,” she said, casting a spell to open it. She shoved her way in and looked around.
She stumbled through the aisles, derisively scoffing at Light’s merchandise. She knocked over a display rack of paintbrushes with a sarcastic “Oops!”
She sat on the stool behind the sales counter and spun around. She put a hoof to her chest and made the dumbest face she could muster.
“Look at me! I’m Light Fantastic! I’m a bitchy little stallion-stealer who sells overpriced trash for hipsters!”
She picked up a Nightmare Root figurine and wiggled it in the air.
“Durr! I’m Radish! Can I please bang you, Celestia?”
She held up a Princess Pain figurine in front of it.
“Nope! I had one bad date in ancient times, so I’ll never love again! But don’t worry, I’ll still tease you for the rest of your life!”
She found an Eclipsa toy and put it between them.
“Forsooth, mine Champion! Verily dance with me all night instead of doing your job!”
The bell above the door clanked. Summer Breeze looked up to see a Watch pony with a truncheon in his wings.
“Don’t move. You’re under arrest for magicking and entering.”
“Oh, eat it, copper.”
Summer Breeze teleported away.
Applejack trotted up to Twilight’s castle. She tried the door, but it didn’t budge.
“Radish?” she called.
“Stop right there,” said a steely voice from above.
She looked up. Radish was at the balcony, with his hooves on a large cauldron.
“Uh, Radish?”
“Applejack?”
“Apple Bloom said you had problems with burglars. Uh… is that a vat of boilin’ oil?”
“Twilight didn’t have that much oil. And it takes a long time to boil this much liquid. So, this is a vat of tepid, oily water. Still, it won’t be pleasant. It could ruin your hat.”
“Oh. Well, maybe I can help you.”
“Do you have more oil?”
“Yes, but fer fritters. Not fer this.”
“Come inside.”
“I can’t. The door’s stuck. What did you do to it? It shouldn’t even have a lock on it.”
“Crazy, right? Stay there.”
Radish disappeared from the balcony, then opened the front doors. Applejack entered.
“Stay out of the side corridors,” warned Radish. “They’re rigged with snares.”
“Then how are we supposed to get to the other rooms?”
Radish laughed. Applejack looked at him uneasily. “Radish, you seem mighty tired.”
“Good. Then they’ll underestimate me.”
“The intruders? You think they’ll be back?”
“I know it. They didn’t get what they came for last time.”
“What’s that?”
“The dimensional mirror.”
“What!? You think someone would steal it? Why? It won’t even work for another… uh… twenty five moons, I think?”
“Lots of reasons. Maybe they want to escape Equestria. Maybe they want access to human technology. Maybe they want to manipulate Twilight by holding Flash Sentry hostage. Whatever they want, I’m not letting them get their hooves on it. Twilight trusted me with it, and I won’t let her down.”
“Well, that’s right noble of you and all, but that thing weighs a ton. I should know. I helped get it here.”
“There’s always someone stronger. There’s always someone smarter. There’s always someone faster. Being a guard means overcoming all of that. We power through the odds.”
“Have you been up all night fortifyin’ this place?”
“I can sleep when the burglars are caught.”
“Radish, I see what’s going on here. You’re right. I’ll help you guard the mirror.”
“What’s the trust password?”
“Uh, we don’t have one.”
“Well, that’s a problem, isn’t it?”
“How about, ‘apples’?”
“Good. Easy to remember.”
“You guard the portal. I’ll whip up something that will help.”
She left the room. Radish entered the library and looked at himself in the mirror. He leaned close to it and whispered.
“If any of you can hear me, guard your side of the portal with your most powerful weapons.”
Applejack trotted in with a potion bottle of white liquid.
“Here you go, Radish. This is a mighty powerful concoction to help you do your duties.”
“I’m not supposed to take unauthorized potions.”
“I’ve got a throne here, Radish. I am an authority.”
“That makes sense. What’s the trust password?”
“Apples.”
“Okay. Good.”
He drank.
“Wait… that was…”
“Warm milk. Nothin’ better to help you sleep.”
Radish sagged to the floor. “You… lied…”
He slumped over.
“No, I didn’t. I said it would help you do your duties. And a good sleep will. Let’s get you to bed.”
She carried him into Twilight’s room, worked off his armor, and put him under the covers.
“Applejack…” he muttered, trying to fight to stay awake. “Can’t sleep…”
She ruffled his mane. “I know what it’s like, thinkin’ you have to take on the world yourself. Just get some rest.”
“I’ll get you for this…”
“You’ll thank me for this, sugar cube.”
He dozed off. Applejack heard a clank from within the castle. Her ears pricked up.
She entered the throne room. No one was there. She went to the foyer. No one was there. She looked out the front doors. No one was there. She heard the crunch of grass to the side of the building, and ran to check it out. No one was there.
“Now, what’s goin’ on here?”
Twilight Sparkle walked through Whinny Park. She saw North Westing setting up a launch pad.
“North! There you are!”
“Oh… hi, Twilight.”
“Look, I’m sorry about those tabloids. Please, don’t let them ruin our friendship. I had a lot of fun yesterday.”
“So did I. But my girlfriend saw the paper, and she’s really upset.”
“You have a girlfriend?”
“Oh, he didn’t mention me, huh?” said a deep voice behind Twilight. She turned to see a massive rust-colored earth mare looming over her.
“Oh… hi. I’m-”
She seized Twilight by the neck and put her in a headlock.
“Lander! Stop!” cried North.
“Listen here, princess,” she said. “North is mine. I don’t care if you’re an alicorn, a draconequus, or a purple worm. I’m tired of you hobby shop groupies sniffing around him.”
“We’re…just… friends…” Twilight gasped, eyes bugging out.
“Yeah? Like how you and Radish Root are ‘just friends’?”
“Exactly!” Twilight squeaked.
Lander grit her teeth. She put her muzzle right in Twilight’s.
“You like the thrust of his rocket, huh? Then let’s get you into orbit.”
“Honey! No!”
“Please…” said Twilight, struggling.
Lander gave her a noogie.
“I’m just bustin’ your balls, princess!” she laughed. She let Twilight out of the headlock and gave her a tight bear hug. “You think anyone believes what tabloids say?”
“Ohh… okay…” said Twilight, seconds away from unconsciousness. Lander let her go, and she stumbled back, gasping for air.
“Honey, you really scared her,” admonished North.
“Ah, she eats supervillains for breakfast. She’s not afraid of little ol’ me.”
Twilight chuckled nervously.
“Careful… careful… aha! Light, this is my finest work!”
Princess Luna set a freshly-carved figure of a tumbleweed in front of Light Fantastic.
“Aww, cute.”
“It is not cute, Light. This is the Overbush, a mutant plant Celestia and I defeated long ago. It was a thousand meters in diameter, and as it rolled across the plains, it crushed whole villages and snatched up ponies in its brambles.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“Indeed. It is the very reason we built Canterlot on the side of a mountain, far off the ground.”
“How’d you beat it?”
“We rolled it into a lava field. I will never forget the stench of its burning brambles.”
“Wow. You know, all this time I thought you and Celestia were couple of royal prisses. Just sitting in your towers, primping your magic hair, spritzing expensive foreign perfumes, and gobbling premium chocolates. But you’re actually badasses, aren’t you?”
“Thank you, Light Fantastic. And here I was afraid Major Root had settled for a mousey, ninny-headed shop girl. But you have the forthrightness of a griffon and the charm of a chorus line dancer.”
“Thanks!”
“And, if I may say so, a fine set of hips, quite suitable for birthing Radish Root’s many children.”
Light’s smile faded. “Oh, um, I got my tubes taken out years ago. I’m not going to be birthing anything.”
Luna frowned. "Is Radish aware?"
"Oh, he’s aware,” chuckled Light. “He learned during our third date.”
“Light Fantastic, this will not do. As my Champion, Radish is charged with founding a heroic bloodline, so that his descendants may take up his mantle and serve me after he has passed. This must continue through the ages.”
Light felt her insides churn. “What? What are you talking about? That’s not going to happen.”
Luna narrowed her eyes. “Light Fantastic, I will not be denied.” She leaned into Light’s face. “If you will not bear Radish’s heirs… then I will .”
Light hunched over and spread her wings in a warning display. She bared her teeth.
“You are not going to lay one hoof on his-!” She noticed the corners of Luna’s mouth quivering, trying to suppress a smile.
“Oh. You’re fucking with me.”
“Ribbing you. Yes.”
Light relaxed. “Okay. You got me good. No, actually, you scared the shit out of me.”
“Oh my, I took it too far?”
“I guess I worry about something like that really happening someday.”
“Light, I would never.”
“But he’s doing Celestia in his cutie marks. What if that’s really his special talent? His destiny? What if they’re supposed to be together? Start a dynasty? Did I, like, fuck up the course of history by taking Rad from Celestia?”
“There is no ‘supposed to be’. There is just what is. Celestia and Radish are not destined for one another. Besides, has his special talent not been revealed through you?”
“Huh?”
“I’ve long assumed the Celestia of his marks was meant to be a generic symbol. That the act depicted was the talent.”
“You thought his marks meant he was really fantastic at sex?”
“Yes.”
“That he could make any mare make that face?”
“Did I not assume correct?”
Light leaned back in her chair and smiled. “If we’re talking about our dalliances now… you go first.”
Luna smiled. “Very well. Let me tell you about a certain handsome burro count I once knew…”
“Okay, what’s the first step?” asked Rainbow Dash to her mother.
“First, you bring the water to a boil,” replied Windy Whistles.
“All right.”
Rainbow Dash clicked on the kitchen stove burner under a pot of water.
“Whoo hoo!” cheered her mother. “You did that perfectly! Best water boiler in all of Equestria!”
“Ugh. Now what?”
“Great question, Dashie! Now you peel the potatoes.”
“Okay,” said Dash, picking up a potato. “Please don’t shout in my ear while I’m handling the sharp implement.”
“Good thinking, dear! Who’s the safest little chef in the whole wide world! Rainbow Dash, that’s who!”
“Ugh.”
“So, after Underglaze, I realized that every guy I’ve ever dated was pretty much the same- whether they were a pony, a zebra, or a donkey,” said Light, chewing on the eggplant parmesan sandwich she had brought. “I was looking for something different.”
“Ah, and Major Root was unlike any male you’ve ever met?” Luna asked.
“Well… yeah. You could say that.”
“What qualities in him do you find most attractive?”
“He’s so cuddly.”
“Oh? I… uh… was unaware of that. Light, I want you to know that Radish has been most happy since you came into his life. And now I am happy that you are a part of mine.”
“Aww. I’m glad you came by the store. This was a lot of fun.”
“Indeed. Is our friendship… secured?”
“You bet!”
“Excellent! The two bits will be mine!”
“The what?”
Sew Buttons knocked on the door of Celestia’s personal suite.
“Your highness? Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine!” called Summer Breeze. “Go away!”
“Don’t listen to her!” called Celestia. “Get in here now! That’s an order!”
Sew Buttons opened the door. Celestia’s coloration was back to normal, but she was gripping a bottle of yellow hair dye in her aura, seemingly trying to fight it away from herself with her hooves.
“Get the guards! Tell them to arrest Summer Breeze!” cried Celestia.
“But… you are Summer Breeze?”
Celestia turned her head around. The other side of her body was still dyed as Summer Breeze.
“That’s right, you can’t get rid of me that easily!” she growled in Summer Breeze’s voice. “I’m the you that you always wanted to be! The you that you deserve to be!”
“Ma’am! What the fuck!?”
Celestia turned back again.
“No, you are not! I am princess of this land, and I order you to yield!”
Summer Breeze turned around. The bottle of dye moved closer to her body.
“Not this time, princess! I’m finally going to have all the fun you were too afraid to have! And I think I’m going to start by spending some quality time with Radish Root!”
“You… will not… touch him!”
Celestia slammed her own face into the wall, knocking herself unconscious. Her aura died out and the bottle of dye spilled to the floor. Sew Buttons stared, afraid to move.
The Only Mark That Matters
Princess Twilight Sparkle lay trembling on the floor of the Crystal Castle’s throne room. Evil King Sombra loomed menacingly over her.
“At last, princess, I have you in my clutches!” he roared triumphantly. “Now you and all of Equestria are mine!”
The throne room’s tall double doors burst open. A stallion knight wearing full gleaming gold plate armor galloped into the room, sword in mouth.
“No! Not you!” cried Sombra in abject fear.
The knight charged the villain. Sombra reared up on his hind legs, shielding his face in horror. The knight leapt and swung his sword.
Sombra slumped to the floor with a heavy thud. His horn, cleanly cut, clattered to the floor beside him. It hissed and evaporated into a black mist. Sombra, howling, also dissipated, blowing away like dry leaves in the wind.
The stallion knight took off his helmet, shook out his flowing chestnut locks, and wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. He reached a hoof out to the princess.
“Are you all right, your highness?”
“Sir Root! You’ve saved me!” cried Princess Twilight Sparkle, rushing forth to embrace him. “My hero!”
“I’ve only done my duty, princess,” Radish Root said, holding her close.
She looked down at his chest. She noticed a small trickle of blood leaking from a puncture between the plates in his armor.
“You’re hurt!”
“A mere scratch, your highness. Sombra had that beast Tirek guarding the castle gates. He landed a lucky strike on me before I was able to vanquish him. Pay it no mind.”
“Oh, Sir Root, you’re always so stubborn. Please, allow me to deliver prompt succor.”
She gently spread her aura over his armor, detaching it from his broad muscular chest and lowering it to the floor.
Radish turned to hide his blush. “Princess…”
“Shh,” she said. “I order you to keep still.”
“...yes, princess.”
She tore a strip of cloth off the skirt of her frilly purple dress and used it to clean his wound.
“Oh my,” she said, “how can you still be standing after such a powerful blow?”
“I’d withstand a thousand such blows, just to keep you safe, dear lady,” avowed Radish Root, his eyes burning with sincere devotion.
Twilight let out a small gasp. Her heartbeat quickened. She leaned her face closer to his, her eyes shining like jewels.
“Radish… kiss me…” she tenderly implored.
“As you wish, my princess,” he softly acquiesced.
“Gah! Cut it out!” yelled Rainbow Dash.
Twilight awoke with a jolt. She looked around. She was on one of the benches aboard the Friendship Express. During her nap, she had draped herself over Rainbow Dash. She had been pushing her face into Dash’s, who was trying to hold her off.
“Oh,” Twilight said, straightening up. “Sorry.”
“Yeah. Don’t worry about it,” said Rainbow Dash, rubbing the back of her head.
The rest of her friends sat on the nearby benches, staring uncomfortably at her.
“Oh. Hi, girls,” said Twilight. “What’s wrong?”
They fidgeted.
“Um… nothing?” offered Fluttershy.
“We certainly didn’t hear you lustily moaning Radish’s name in your sleep,” assured Pinkie Pie.
Twilight groaned and leaned against the window. “Please, just forget what you heard, okay?”
“Come on now, sugar cube. We’re all friends here. Don’tcha wanna talk about it?” asked Applejack.
Twilight sighed. “There’s nothing to talk about. It’s just a silly little girlish crush. Radish has been kind and supportive about me and Flash- both Flashes- so of course I’d have a transference of emotions to him after those relationships didn’t work out. It’s completely natural. Totally expected. Practically cliché.”
“Now, Twilight, you mustn’t talk down your own feelings,” said Rarity.
“Never mind. We need to focus on the task at hoof. The map sent us on this journey for a reason, and it has nothing to do with Radish.”
Radish stalked close to Starlight, trying to get within striking distance without making it look obvious.
“Sorry? What was that you said?”
She laughed. “Oh, come on, Mister Super Spy. I know who you are. And I know you were sent here because of Storm Cell.”
“Where is he?”
“I'm right here, Root.”
Radish turned around. Storm Cell was standing behind him. His mane and coat looked different from what Radish remembered, but he was wearing his ranger uniform.
“Storm Cell? What- oh!”
Storm Cell rushed forward and hugged Radish.
“Root, I’m so glad you’re here. I needed to see you. To talk to you. To explain things to you.”
Starlight stood up with a chuckle. “I’ll let you two get reacquainted. I’ll leave the door unlocked for you, Radish Root- no more crawling through the windows, okay?”
She walked back into her house. Radish pushed Storm Cell off of him.
“Storm Cell, where have you been?”
He smiled. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”
“I don’t- hey!”
Storm Cell swooped over Radish, seized him in his hooves, and took flight. He landed on a hill a short distance from the town. He beckoned Radish to follow him behind a tall wall of boulders.
“Check it out!”
He pointed to a deep depression in the hillside, like a crater with high curving sandstone walls. It was half-filled with bubbling water.
“It’s a hot spring! A natural hot tub! Great to relax in!”
Radish looked down at it. “That’s all well and good, but I’m not here to relax.” Radish heard shuffling behind him. Storm Cell had taken off his uniform.
“Ranger, what are you doing?”
Storm Cell turned sideways. His cutie mark was now an equal sign.
“Look. I took the Unmarking.”
“Why?”
“For you.”
“What?”
“Join me for a swim. I’ll explain everything.”
Storm Cell flapped up and cannonballed into the hot tub. Radish stepped back to avoid the splash.
“Come on in! The water’s fine!”
Radish sighed and took off his clothes. He hesitated before losing his pants. Storm Cell swam close.
“It’s okay,” he said. “You’ll find no cutie mark prejudice here.”
Radish took off his pants. Storm Cell gave his cutie mark an appreciative nod. Radish slipped into the water. It was warm.
“Storm Cell, what’s going on?”
“I want to apologize to you.”
“For what?”
“I was awful to you in our Academy days.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“No. Don’t let me off the hook. I was cruel. I bullied you over your cutie marks from your first day. I told you you didn’t belong in the Rangers.”
“It… it doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter. I heard about what you’ve been up to, you know. The Storm Centurions, The Battle of the Brides, the Equestria Games. You were out there making a name for yourself and defending Equestria, despite all the adversity you faced over your cutie marks. And I was part of that adversity.”
“Is that why you unmarked yourself? Some kind of repentance?”
“I think everypony should unmark themselves. The world would be a better place.”
“Storm Cell, have you abandoned the Plains Rangers for this… lifestyle?”
“Of course not! I still patrol my territory. I observe, record, and assist where needed. I just visit this village in my free time now.”
“Your status report was double overdue.”
Storm Cell sighed and looked up at the night sky. “I couldn’t send it, Root. My messenger pigeon denied service to me.”
“What?”
“After I changed my cutie mark, my pigeon wouldn’t accept me as the same pony. It refused to take my report back to HQ unless my mark matched the one on my Ranger ID.”
“Hmm. Royal pigeons can be sticklers about protocol.”
“Sticklers? More like bigots. I’m still the same pony, Root. I don’t deserve to be cut off from HQ just because I changed my marks. There’s no other couriers in this region, so I had no choice but to wait for them to send somepony to check on me. And I’m glad you were the one they sent.”
He swam toward Radish. He put his forehooves on Radish’s shoulders.
“Please, forgive me for all the things I said to you about your cutie marks back then. I was a jerk.”
Radish brushed his hooves off. “No, Storm Cell, you were right to call me out. I really did join the Rangers hoping to catch Celestia’s eye.”
“You were a victim of Equestrian cutie mark culture. And so was I. Like everypony else, I had bought into that culture as the status quo. As the way things had to be.” He leaned in close to Radish. “But that’s no excuse. I am very sorry.”
“It’s okay. Water under the bridge.”
Storm Cell hugged Radish. “Thank you, Root.”
“Call me ‘Radish’.”
“Thank you, Radish.” He let go. “You’re going to love being unmarked. We’ll be like brothers.”
“I didn’t come out here to change my mark. I only came to find you. HQ thought you were in trouble.”
“Well, you found me. And you can tell HQ- and their pigeons- that there’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Fine.”
“Don’t you want to get rid of your cutie marks?”
Radish sighed. “I’ve tried. I’ve shaved them. I’ve dyed them. It didn’t help.”
“Those are stopgap solutions. The Unmarking is a true answer.”
“Did it hurt?”
“Not one bit.”
“Do you feel any different?”
“Yes! I feel lighter, like I’ve dropped a burden off my sides. I feel calmer, like my head is clear for the first time. I feel free, like my destiny can be anything I want it to be.”
“What about your special talent? Can you still make thunderstorms?”
“That was just a silly, flashy way of showing off. Of making myself seem better than I was. But now I understand that the whole ‘special talent’ thing is a myth. Think about it- you’ve done so many great things, not because of your cutie mark, but despite it. You’re living proof that nopony needs a mark to be talented.”
Radish leaned against the edge of the pool, looking at the stars. “You have no regrets at all? There’s no downsides? No fine print you’re hiding from me?”
“Do rangers lie to rangers?”
“Never. Hmm.”
Storm Cell smiled. “Then that’s all you need to know. I’m going to get some sleep- I have to get back to my patrols tomorrow. Thank you for coming to check on me. And thank you for forgiving me.”
“You’re welcome.”
“And whatever you happen to decide, I’m with you.”
Storm Cell climbed out of the water and shook himself off. He turned to Radish, made a gesture with his hoof- the ranger hoof signal for “all clear”, then took flight. Radish let go of the edge of the basin, letting himself float on the surface of the water to the center of the pool, staring at a halo of clouds enveloping the moon.
He turned his attention to one of the rocks on the ridge above him. “You might as well come on out. I heard you sneak up there.”
Starlight Glimmer popped her head out from behind the rock. She grinned. “Wow, sharp ears.”
“Miss Glimmer, you were spying on us.”
“You came here to spy on the whole town first.”
“Yeah, well, the spy fantasy is over. I’m leaving in the morning.”
“With or without your cutie marks?” She cast a spell, and the Staff of Sameness appeared above her head. She caught it and held it in her hooves. “You can’t tell me Storm Cell’s words didn’t get through to you.”
“Something still doesn’t feel right about this whole thing.”
She shook her head. “Only because you were born and raised in a harmful cutie mark-based culture, and now you’re seeing the outside of it for the first time. Growing out of an old mindset can be scary, but we have a whole community here to help you through it.”
She walked down from the ridge to the edge of the pool. “Radish, tell me the truth: do you even like your cutie marks?”
Radish floated silently for a beat. “It’s complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be. I think- whoa!”
The Staff of Sameness leapt out of Starlight’s hooves, glowing bright blue. It flew at Radish and stopped mid-air inches from his face.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“It’s not me! It’s the staff!” she yelled.
The staff hovered over Radish’s head and spun around wildly like a confused compass needle. Then, it stopped and pointed its twin tines at one of the curved rock walls surrounding the pool. The wall turned bright white, and a moving image came into focus upon it as if it were a movie screen.
It depicted two adult earth ponies, a mare and a stallion, sitting at a table in a suburban home.
“Ma? Pa? Something, uh, happened to me ,” said an unseen colt’s voice. The sound seemed to be coming from the staff.
Radish’s blood went cold as he watched. “It can’t be…”
“What? What is it?” asked Starlight.
“Those are my parents. That’s… that's the morning I got my cutie mark.”
Radish’s mother and father cast their eyes down. Their faces turned furious.
“Radish! ” howled his mother. “That is disgusting! Take that off right now! ”
“What is the matter with you, showing something like that to your mother!? ” demanded his father.
Starlight Glimmer winced. “Oooh, not the words a kid wants to hear upon getting his cutie marks.”
Radish swatted at the Staff of Sameness above his head. It hovered just out of reach. “Cut it out! I don’t want to see this!”
“I’m not the one doing this, Radish. You are. I’ve seen this before- the staff reacts to powerful cutie mark trauma. I think Meadowbrook designed it to not only remove cutie marks, but help the patient work through the harm they cause.”
“There’s nothing to work through. I’m fine with my cutie marks.”
“You can lie to me, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to the staff. It wouldn’t be dredging up these memories if you didn’t need to confront them.”
The image shifted to a new scene inside the same house. Radish’s mother was preparing moving boxes.
“We can’t move away! ” cried the young Radish’s voice. “What about school? What about my friends? I promised Praline I’d help her with her science project! ”
“You should have thought of that before you did… that… to your flanks ,” she answered coldly.
“Wow,” said Starlight, shaking her head, “what horrible parents.”
“They’re not like that anymore,” said Radish. “Celestia fixed things between me and them.”
The staff projected a new scene. Radish winced. It was a scene which he had already relived nearly every day of his adolescence. Celestia was looking down with concern in her eyes.
“You have a world of potential ahead of you,” said the princess, “but sex with me will not be part of it. I am confident you will find new interests, even love interests, and forget all about me. ”
“Oooh,” said Starlight. “Shot down by Celestia at such a young, impressionable age. That’s got to leave… well, a mark.”
Radish sank lower into the pool. “It… did.”
The scene changed again. Celestia was now in Courtyard A, looking stern.
“I told you we were friends all those years ago, and friends don’t lie to each other. I want you to speak freely, but honestly. You aimed your whole career path towards fucking me, didn’t you? ”
Radish shivered.
“Whoa, she really said that?” asked Starlight.
Radish looked aside. “She had me dead to rights. I absolutely transferred to the Guard hoping she’d sleep with me.”
“But why didn’t she?”
“She has her reasons.”
“Wait, who’s that?”
Radish peered at a new scene on the wall. “Oh. That’s Princess Luna. She looked like that when I first met her. She hadn’t recovered her strength yet.”
“We want thee outside our door all night long, so that when we are in need of cheering, we may look upon thy cutie mark again, ” ordered Luna.
Starlight frowned. “She used your cutie marks as her entertainment!? That’s awful!”
“It’s… she was fresh from the past. She was lonely, weak, and miserable back then.”
“That’s no excuse! Radish, how much abuse have you suffered because of your marks?”
“I’m telling you, I’m fine with-”
The staff spun around, putting several overlapping scenes on the walls in rapid fire.
“Everypony knows who you are. You’re that sicko with the gross cutie mark! ” shouted a younger Twilight Sparkle.
“You’re the pervy mark guy, aren’t you? ” needled a palace tourist.
“What on earth is that!? ” gasped Princess Cadenza.
“How dare you paint such filth of my aunt on your body!? ” bellowed Prince Blueblood.
“What the fuck is that!? ” Sodypop demanded. “This is who your boyfriend brings for me!? ”
“Gahh!” growled Radish, lunging for the staff again. It was still out of his reach.
Starlight sighed. “That last one was a date gone wrong, wasn’t it? I guess dating would be pretty difficult for you, wouldn’t it?”
“That was just one bad blind date! My love life is-”
“Would you think I was a jerk, if I said I was married to my work? ” Zecora asked abashedly.
“Taken, sorry, ” said Hazy Shade apologetically.
“That’s mighty sweet of you, Radish, and you’re a real nice feller, but I’m so busy with my farm… ” started Applejack.
“I’m flattered, I really am. But I just don’t see you in that way, ” explained Fluttershy.
Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Ouch. That’s a lot of strikeouts.”
Radish scowled. “Those girls were being honest! None of those rejections had anything to do with my cutie mark!”
“Maybe,” said Starlight, “or maybe you subconsciously picked up on their disgust for your cutie mark, and the Staff of Sameness needs you to realize that.”
“No. They’re all my friends. They wouldn’t lie to me.”
“So, a friend has never lied to you about how they feel about your cutie marks?”
The rock wall flashed to a new memory. Celestia was pinning Radish against the wall of Courtyard A with her backside.
“You said you found them flattering! ” cried an exasperated Radish’s voice.
“I was taking pity on a mewling little whelp who thought his wet dream cutie marks entitled him to my body! ” barked Celestia.
The scene then jumped to later that evening, in Light Fantastic’s home.
“The truth is, Radish…” sighedCelestia, “I hate your cutie marks.”
Starlight gasped. Radish turned away.
“She… she has every right to hate them,” he said softly. “She never asked to be on them.”
“Neither did you.”
“None of that matters now. I have a girlfriend, and she actually likes my marks.”
The image on the wall shifted to Light Fantastic’s face, smiling warmly up at Radish. Starlight’s jaw dropped.
“Wait… she’s your girlfriend?”
“Yes. Why?”
“Radish, I don’t know how to tell you this, but she was here.”
“Here?”
“She came here a little over a week ago. She was asking a lot of questions about the Unmarking. She seemed desperate to know how it worked.”
“Light came here? Where is she?”
“She questioned just about everypony in the village, learned what she wanted to know, and then left. My guess is, she went back to try to convince you to come here. I guess deep down, she hates your cutie mark, too.”
“No… not Light. She likes my mark.” Radish paused. “I thought she liked my mark. She said she liked my mark. She… really wants me to lose my mark?”
“I’ll ask you again: do you even like your cutie marks?”
The staff quaked violently above Radish’s head. It emitted a flash so bright that Radish had to cover his eyes. When he looked up, an angry mare was glaring down at him from the foyer of a Canterlot City Watch Station.
"There he is! That's the pervert who shoved pornography in my daughter’s face! "
The image went pitch black. A jangly ragtime tune filled the air.
“Beware the pervert!” “As sure as sherbet!” “He's coming for your kids!” “He'll corrupt the youth!” “It's the honest truth!” “Like no one ever did!”
The walls all around the pool lit up again, showing a panoramic view of the courtroom from his trial. Radish was once again surrounded by an entire gallery of disgusted ponies. Their chant echoed over him.
“Pervert… pervert… pervert…”
“Stop it. Please. Starlight, make it stop. Send the staff away. Anything.”
“Pervert… pervert… pervert…”
“I said stop it!”
“We the jury, with righteous fury, FIND ROOT GUILTY ON ALL COUNTS! ”
“STOP IT!”
Radish slammed two hooves into the nearest wall as the judge’s gavel banged. The rock cracked from the bottom up, then collapsed. Huge chunks of sandstone tumbled into the pool, making waves which tossed Radish out of the basin and onto the ground at Starlight’s hooves. He looked up at her, limp and quivering.
“Starlight… help me…”
She stood over him, a smile widening across her face.
“I will.”
The Only Mark That Matters
Scootaloo took the lectern of the Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse.
“Glad you all could make it,” said Scootaloo. “This is a special meeting of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, so it’s fitting that you two could be present for it.”
“Glad ‘ta be here!” said Babs Seed.
“Special meeting? Cool!” said Gabby.
Scootaloo attached a marker drawing to the wall behind her.
“This is Radish Root, a royal guard who just got a medal for saving Equestria! We want to make him an honorary member of the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Apparently there’s something unusual about his cutie mark. We may never know what that is, but want him to know that he has the love and support of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, no matter what.”
Babs and Gabby looked at each other uncomfortably.
“Seriously, you don’t know?” asked Gabby.
“What, you do know his cutie mark?” asked Sweetie Belle.
“Uh, yeah, everypony in Bronclyn has heard of him,” Babs said. “His cutie mark is a picture of him bangin’ Celestia.”
“WHAT!?” Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo cried.
“Yeah, really givin’ it to her from behind. We’re talkin’ face-down, flank-up, Celestia’s mind totally blown.”
“But it supposedly looks consensual,” assured Gabby.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo went into a huddle and whispered amongst themselves. Apple Bloom stuck her head out.
“We’re going to call a five-minute recess to discuss this new information. Help yourself to the snacks in the meantime.”
Radish approached his palace quarters door. He noticed an envelope in the wire mail rack hanging beside it. His address and the return address had been written in crayon. He opened it.
Dear Maj. Radish Root,
You are hereby granted Honorary Member Status of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and all honors and privileges thereof. Congratulations! You are an inspiration to everypony who has known anxiety over the matter of cutie marks.
Enclosed is an official CMC patch. Wear it with pride, as we are proud of you. Details of future club activities will be forthcoming.
Sincerely,
The Cutie Mark Crusaders, Ponyville Division
Radish took a small cloth patch out of the envelope. It featured a silhouette of a caped filly rearing up. He held it up against his breastplate. Another major, Bankshot, walked past him.
“What’s that? Something from your kids?”
“It means I’m a member of a very exclusive organization.”
Radish entered his quarters and pinned the patch to his wall next to his medals.
