Chapters What the Fuck is Equestria
So, waking up to a purple mini-horse with a horn was quite the unique experience. Maybe this is a very elaborate senior prank; it is supposed to be the last week of the school year after all. Considering how real it looked, I could safely assume somebody slipped some shit into my Pepsi before I went to sleep last night… Nah, I don’t have friends that would be willing to invite me to parties, where I can get drugged, and then apparently abducted by a purple horse that can apparently speak english.
I could tell we were in a basement by how dark it was; it was only lit up with candles.
Well, assuming that the muttering was actual speech, and just not it being a stupid animal. Given that it was currently speaking to a purple dinosaur. Said purple dinosaur, who was writing something down, now in a much louder voice, I could safely use hindsight to know that this horse was, in fact, speaking english.
“The subject has been successfully summoned, and appears to be an ape of some sort, tall, wearing clothing of some sort, and mostly lacks hair from what I can see.” While it was talking, I slowly drew a hand out from the rope that was bounding me to the table I was apparently tied to, but kept it at my side. The barney looking-fucker seemed looked up and noticed one of my limbs were untied. He opened his mouth to speak, but sighed as the purple unicorn ignored him and continued to have him write down observations for her.
Yes, her, its voice sounded feminine.
Also, she kept mentioning somebody named ‘Princess Celestia’ so I assume that’s her boss or something.
Eventually the unicorn walked up to me, still making observations while in her words: ‘Getting a close up view’. While she was speaking, I noticed that her nose looked very pokeable, so I guess that would be a good starting point to let her know that I was sentient, capable of thinking, and wasn’t some sort of animal. So once the unicorn was in arm's reach, I took my free arm and poked her on the nose mid speech. Also, the nose was boopable looking. You don’t not boop the snoot.
“Guh- what?” The unicorn glared at my free appendage, before her horn lit up and enveloped my arm, before it was promptly slammed onto the table and tied down again.
“Hey now, that arm’s in the top four of my favorite limbs. Be gentle with it!”
“You can speak?”
“Sorry, I don’t speak English. Do you speak-a-the-American?” I asked while hopefully going cross-eyed. “Of course I can fucking talk. I’m a human, name’s Bob,” I just had to come up with the most stupid, bullshit, fake name I could’ve, couldn’t I? “I would like to not be tied down to a table, mostly because I would like to feel blood circulating around my body, so please untie me. While I cannot promise to not boop you on the nose again, I can promise that I won’t punch you, kick you, stab you, scratch you too hard, eat you, cook you alive and then eat you, or commit any other sort of very illegal, inhumane thing to you.”
“And how do I know you won’t try anything? Even with that promise?”
“I coulda throttled your neck when my arm was free. Instead I booped your nose because you had it in my face; you were practically begging for it.”
“What do you think, Spike?’ The dinosaur shrugged.
“Well Twilight, he does make a good point. He could’ve hurt you- he just got his other arm free.”
“Wait, what- oh, that feels nice,” who I assume was Twilight sighed in contentment as I ran my right hand through her mane. Hell, I even scratched her for a second and one of her hindlegs did the kicky thing that dogs do when you scratch them. It was kinda cute. Eventually I did stop and Twilight seemed to be disappointed by that. “Okay, I think you’ve made your argument quite well; I’ll untie you.” As such, I was untied, and I fell to my knees before standing at my full height.
I was about three times as tall as Spike, and stood at two heads taller than Twilight. Given that I’m about 5’8, that would put Twilight at around five feet, or somewhere in the ballpark of a meter and a half, I think. “So…” I looked around. “Why the heck am I in some sorta basement with a horse? I knew jerry wanted to prank me after I got him with a potato sack, but I don’t think you can teach a horse-”
“Pony.”
“Pony to talk, make it grow a magical horn, and then resurrect a dinosaur-”
“Dragon.”
“Summon a dragon overnight. So, do you mind telling me what the heck is going on?”
“I… might have summoned you using a very experimental spell. A summoning spell if you would, but I think I messed up somewhere,” okay cool, spells just casually exist. “The spell was only meant to summon a creature from this world, but I think I summoned you from another world. I haven’t seen anything, or heard of something like a human… Spike, mind sending my notes to Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked. “And also write a note asking what to do with the human?”
“How do you spell Human?” Spike asked mid note writing.
Twilight rolled her eyes, took the paper from Spike, and began writing the note. I made sure to peek over her shoulder while she wrote it. She spelled humans as ‘hoomins’ which was kinda adorable too. After the letter was handed off, and burnt for some reason, I grabbed Twilight’s neck and she squealed, probably expecting death, getting ready to buck at me. Instead I just started scratching, and all of a sudden the would-be-buck became the leg kicking thing again. And a pony on the floor.
I yelped when Spike burped up fire, because dragons I guess, and a letter just kinda dropped on the ground. Almost immediately the dragon picked it up and started reading it. Twilight got out of her stupor almost immediately after Spike started reading.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle, first, you should’ve told me before you tried to modify an existing spell; it’s quite dangerous. I would like to meet this human at some point, but I simply do not have the time for it. I will meet him during Nightmare Night when Luna wishes to come to Ponyville. Make sure he isn’t willing to hurt anypony be certain that he is passive before you introduce them to Ponyville. And do tell your friends; I would like you six on standby should this ‘Bob’ be a threat. Your teacher and friend, Princess Celestia.”
“Ah, I like being treated as some dangerous thing. I can barely even wrap my hands around that neck of yours,” I only then noticed that Twilight was slightly upset about whatever this “Princess Celestia’ was talking about. “Let alone strangle, or kill somebody without weapons,” I pulled out a pocket knife… “Huh. didn’t remember sleeping with this in my pocket,” I flipped it open. “Man that would hurt if it flipped out and- hey!” Twilight took the knife up in her magic, messing with the mechanisms.
“I’ve never seen something like this before!” Twilight then used it to cut a thin piece of she had lying around. “Is this a knife?”
“Yeah. As I was saying, if that went off near my junk I would probably be in a lot of pain. Thank god it didn’t!” My stomach decided now was a good time to mention that it wanted food. “Say, can I get breakfast? As long as it’s not grass or flowers, I can probably eat it.” Twilight nodded before leading me upstairs, Spike at our tail. Soon, I was sitting at a table, answering any questions Twilight asked while Spike cooked up breakfast for us. The questions went pretty intrusive, such as sex, to basic things like diet. Twilight was semi-shocked to learn that I ate meat, but didn’t seem to mind much.
Apparently ponies sometimes ate fish to get some protein. Given that horses back home ate birds, that isn’t fully surprising. Also yes, Twilight asked about those when I accidentally mentioned them in passing.
Eventually, I was just handed some toast and some eggs, which I was perfectly fine with. “So, if you dragged me from ‘another dimension’, does that… Fuck.” Twilight and Spike flinched at that word. “Well, so much for going to college,” my shoulders sagged a little. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “So, when am I going to be allowed to meet the locals? I don’t particularly like to be locked up inside forever.”
Twilight shrugged. “First I’ll need to get you to meet my friends; we’ll be watching over you, afterall. Spike, keep an eye on Bob for me while I get everypony.” Before Spike could even open his mouth, Twilight scarfed down the rest of her food and ran somewhere, presumably downstairs. Spike shrugged, took our plates and went back to the kitchen to clean them.
An hour later, I found out that Twilight lives in a library and I started to make use of that by borrowing a book or two to read for myself. A few books stood out, like Daring Do, which was a less awesome version of Indiana Jones, and that was really it. In comparison to Star Wars, none of the books I read really stuck. That being said, Daring Do was still fun to read past the first chapter even if I managed to work my way through seven chapters in that hour. I was just about to finish another chapter when the door opened.
“Okay girls… again, promise me that none of you will freak out?” Twilight asked who I could easily guess were her friends.
“Pfft, what could possibly make me freak out?” Somebody asked before a cyan horse stuck her head in the door. She had a rainbow colored mare and tail, which had to not be natural, and a pair of wings as I soon found out. Because the moment she saw me, she tackled me and started screaming about a monster. “C’mon everypony! Help me tie it up!”
“G-god,” I wheezed. “If I wanted to get my ass beat, all I’d have to do is find a cute girl who’s into BDSM.” I coughed as I managed to shove the LSD horse off of me and I sat up.
“You can talk?”
“Yes, Skittles, I can speak. I’m a human person, scientifically called ‘homosapien’, and fully capable of thoughts and whatevers. Anyways, nice to meet ya. Hey Twilight, do you happen to have any rope on you?” I asked. Honestly, I wasn’t planning on making a noose, but I wanted that as an out; I’ll probably check out what ponyland has in store for me. If nothing is of interest, then I won’t need to be alive to keep the world spinning.
“I do. I don’t know why you’d need rope… hold still for me,” Twilight’s horn lit and I suddenly didn’t feel so bruised. Four other ponies walked in. “I’m sure you’ve met Rainbow Dash-”
“Yup, Skittles was extra cuddly and friendly.” That got a glare out of Skittles.
“But these are my friends. That’s Fluttershy,” she pointed at the other pegasus that wasn’t Rainbow, a timid looking-thing, cream colored coat and pink mane. Honestly, she looked fucking adorable, and if it weren’t for the fact that she was probably as smart as any human I’ve met, I woulda walked up to her and start patting her on the head. Eventually she went down the list of the rest of her friends: Pinkie Pie, Apple Jack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash and Rarity. Blah, blah, blah, joining their herd of friends or whatever.
“So about that rope,” I turned to Twilight after having introduced her friends to me.
“Why would you need a rope for a party?” Pinkie Pie asked. “I mean, sure, we could use some to hold the pinata, but- ooh! I can’t wait to hold the first ‘Welcome to Equestria, Ponyville, first Human and-”
That party name was too long to be remembered, and I didn’t want to.
“Because if all things don’t look super bright, I’ll be hosting a farewell party in an isolated part of some random forest. Let’s just say, it’ll be fun to be hanging out with some people-or ponies- during that party.” I shrugged. “I don’t really see much of a reason for me to be in Equestria beyond the fact that your friend, Twinkle Butt, brought me here and has told me that I am stuck here. So if nothing’s cooking, I’m probably just gonna use the rope to… uh hang from my neck. Then God can look at me and instantly send me to hell for being a sack of shit.”
Everyone in the room gasped.
“Now hold der, partner! We ain’t gonna let you kill yourself.” Apple Jack walked up to me and put her hoof in my chest. “Ah barely even know ya, so I can’t say I know you like my farm, but Ah can tell ya that you shouldn’t throw your life away like that.”
“Cool. My life already got shat on by whatever divine being’s watching me, because I had to be the poor fucker that got dragged into a land of ponies,” I closed the Daring Do book and put it on the shelf where I found it. “I coulda been a scientist, coulda made technological advancements for my people, and before I even got to have a shot at that, I wake up on a table being looked at like I’m some sorta stupid monkey to be experimented with. Honestly, if I don’t kill myself in a month then that’ll be a miracle in itself…” I took a deep breath. “I’ll give living here a shot though.”
“It’s all Ah can ask from you. Ah’m sure between the six of us, and all of Ponyville, that you’ll at least find some friends so you won’t be lonely.”
“That’ll be nice at least… Oi, Twilight, your basement was some sorta lab in there, right?”
“Yeah. Why do you ask?”
“Well, I noticed that you only lit it up with candles, so hold on.” I went down into the basement where everyone else in the room decided to follow me. After rummaging around, I found a bunch of chemicals and other things I could probably make electricity out of. “Y’all don’t gotta watch me work; it’s probably pretty boring and nerdy. I’m gonna make electricity.”
“Elect-wha?” Rainbow asked.
“You know lightning?” I asked. Everyone in the room nodded. “I’m gonna harness what is essentially weak lightning to make light.” Twilight immediately perked up at that.
“Sounds like a bunch of egghead stuff.”
“And useful. Humans have managed to reach the fuckin’ moon by being eggheads.”
“How?”
“That’s a story for another time,” I said as I worked together a little contraption. I took a flask, a nice round one, flipped it upside down and stuck it on the contraption. “Actually, has anybody got some sorta lube?” Immediately a bottle of lotion spawned in front of me after a flash of purple. I shrugged and coated the wire before taking the flask from the contraption and sticking the lubed wire into it again.
“Aight give me an hour to figure out the type of energy to get this to work. Y’all can go hangout or whatever. Leave the man to his work.” Everybody but Twilight left the basement. She just sat there like a kid in the candy store while I continued working. Eventually I had some sort of basic windmill and a tub, which then led into a very basic circuit with a rudimentary switch in it. I swished the water a bit after flipping the switch. The grin on my face was immeasurable and my day was made when I had a working light bulb.
“And if you stick this bit in a river with a strong current, you can basically keep this light running as long as this,” I pointed at the switch. “Is flipped,” I said, giving Twilight a very basic rundown of how my contraption worked. Granted, it was fucking huge for something that was just meant to light a single light bulb. “Water pushing the mill leads to heat, heat leads to light, energy, physics, blah, blah, blah. Let there be light!”
“I can’t wait to tell Princess Celestia about this! Oh! This will revolutionize how ponies light up the room!” I only then noticed that she had a big journal that was halfway full. I quickly swiped it and… Those were notes for every little bit of my machine, from how it worked, to the components used, to how to simplify and make it smaller. All the ways to make it ‘simpler’ seemed accurate too. “And it lights things up way more than a simple candle! Even more so than enchanted candles!” What. Twilight ran up stairs and came back with her friends and Spike.
All of them were awed by my light. Well, all except for one.
“Great! Now Twilight has another egghead! This town’s too small for more than one of those!” Rainbow sighed. “Though that is pretty cool.”
“What if I told you, that you can make this thing change colors with differently tinted glass, and can be used in parties, or to just look cool?” To make my point, I grabbed a red, yellow, and blue flask that I had Twilight combined with magic, so that it looked like a bit of a grid pattern. I turned the device off, swapped the flasks out, and turned it back on. With that, I started making the flask itself spin using another bit I added into the machine a little earlier.
I made a disco ball. Woohoo! Well, that’s what everyone else thought.
“Now that,” Rainbow grinned. “Is twenty percent cooler… I suppose some egghead stuff is really cool.”
“Where the fuck did the machine go?” I asked. Pinkie was noticeably missing too.
So about a week has passed since then. Since I’ve nowhere to sleep, or money to use, I was forced to sleep in Twilight’s home. I was offered a place in Apple Jack’s farm, but I would have to do farm work. Hard labor is something I was not built for; I could be intelligent sometimes, but I can’t lift more than forty pounds at a time. On occasion, when Twilight wasn’t out hanging out with her friends, she was in the lab with me while I made very basic versions of machines that humanity had come up with.
A letter or two from Celestia came to me as well, expressing her desires to meet me after having seen my ‘inventions’. So after I got done describing a thermos, a fridge, even a basic toaster oven to Twilight and even building said toaster oven for Twilight, I spent most of my time compacting light bulbs with glass in the shape I described as being ‘provided by the crown’. On the brightside, it was heavily possible for me to get paid once I got a design that could be easily integrated into pony homes.
So far, I managed to make a working lamp that I was busy testing.
“Hey Bob!” I looked up from my desk, which was held in the actual library part of the treehouse. I wasn’t doing much, just writing in my little journal that catalogs how close I am to killing myself. Despite living with two other sentient beings, I didn’t spend much time with them. Twilight and Spike had other friends to hangout with, and I didn’t want to leave the tree. “We think it’s time that we finally introduce you to the ponies of Ponyville. Wanna come?”
“Sure, I’ll cum in something… I don’t think there’s a human female to do that.”
Twilight groaned. “Bob, please stop with those sorts of jokes.”
“Aight, bet.”
“‘Aight’ is not even a word!”
“Okay Google,” I couldn’t help but smirk at Twilight’s confusion at that. “But I suppose it’s now or never that I leave my mom’s basement.” I closed my notebook and hid it under the desk before hopping up to my feet. “So are we just gonna be walking around town?”
“Yeah. we’re taking you on a tour of Ponyville!”
“Lemme guess, that ‘we’ is you and your friends. And you’re gonna try and get me to be friends with some residents in town so I don’t hang myself in a month.”
“Uh… how did you know that?”
“Just a hunch. Let’s get going.” I walked past Twilight and to the door. It wasn’t much of a surprise to see that the rest of Twilight’s friends, minus Pinkie, were present and ready to meet me. I haven’t really spoken to any of them during my time as Twilight’s tenant; I just told them where Twilight was when they came in looking for her. So I wasn’t exactly close with them. I didn’t want to get close to them for a reason.
When I give up on life, it’ll be less painful for them if I remain distant.
Everyone around us was just giving side eyes, and mostly expressions that ranged from distrustful to downright hateful. If it weren’t for the fact that Twilight and her friends were somewhat respected amongst the town, I’d say it’s safe to assume that I’d have some big stallion plowing into me before getting promptly trampled to death by said stallion. I mean, that would suck, but I wouldn’t be opposed to death. I was somewhat grateful for my ‘friends’ being present though; being alive is kinda cool sometimes.
“So, why are you always wearing clothes?” Rarity asked. “Not to offend, but usually ponies only wear clothing for special occasions, or happen to be a Princess.”
“Well, I don’t exactly have a lot of hair or fur covering me, so I have to make do with clothes. Also, would you like to see my… masculinity bouncing about?” Everyone in the group’s cheeks turned slightly red at that. Twilight decided to take the lead, bringing us to various landmarks, most of which happened to be where most of her friends reside. The local bakery was Pinkie’s home and workplace; Rarity owned a clothing store; Apple jack lived on the only apple orchard in town, and Rainbow lived in a cloud. So only Fluttershy and Rainbow didn’t really live in any sorta landmark.
Eventually we circled around and found some kid crying. On the ground were the remnants of a wooden toy, which seemed to be a train of some sort, and it was pretty easy to tell what happened. So I broke off from Twilight lecturing about how peaceful Ponyville was and walked over to the poor kid. The colt(I think that’s the name ponies refer to male children) looked up at me in fear and got up to run, until I put my hand on his back. “Hold it kiddo, I’m here to help,” the colt stopped and looked at me.
I picked up the wooden train and nodded at the fact that it was repairable; the wheels simply fell off. So I picked the wheels up and stuck em back on the train. I experimentally pushed it back and forth before nodded. “Good as new. If putting it back together was so easy, why were you crying over it?”
“A big kid, a unicorn, came by and took my train apart,” the colt pointed to his head, the lack of a horn was apparent. “And it’s really hard to put a train back together with your teeth,” the colt then pounced, and the next thing I knew, I had a colt laying in my lap and nuzzling into my chest. “But you put it back together! Thank you, mister monkey man!” I simply couldn’t help but grin at the kid’s description of me. “My name’s Golden Arrow, what’s yours?”
“Name’s Bob,” I started idly rubbing the kid’s back until somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
“Can you let go of my foal?” a mare asked.
“You see,” I pointed to Golden, who was now asleep. “I would, but I don’t wanna wake your child up. He’s fuckin’ adorable,” I continued to rub the kid’s back while he snoozed.
“D’aw…” Apple Jack walked up to me and gently elbowed me. “Ah think you’ve just made a new friend! how’d ya do it?”
“All I did was fix his train. Poor kid seemed distraught about it; some bully took it apart and I guess earth ponies aren’t the best at crafting stuff.”
Mrs. Golden’s glare turned into a soft little smile. “Well, I suppose you can’t be too bad if you were looking out for my little Arrow. My name’s Venice, nice to meet you… what are you?”
“According to your kid, a Mister Monkey Man,” I chuckled. “You got a good kid here, Mrs. Arrow. Take care of him,” I looked down. “Whenever he wakes up that is.”
“I suppose I can leave him with you for the time being. Just don’t eat him.”
“Nah, ponies don’t taste good. Now give me a fistful of dirt! That’s a delicacy!” Both Apple Jack and Venice snorted.
I sat there for three hours.
Author's Note
i should probably say this:
I’m not an intentor, i’m a loser that writes shitty stories. so if i go the route of ‘industrial revolution’, don’t murder me. but feel free to tell me i’’m stupid.
After acting as a pony bed for Golden Arrow, his mother allowed him to follow me around for the rest of the tour. Though the tour was practically over given how simple of a town Ponyville was. Most of the ponies were still giving me glares, side eyes, and a minty unicorn look at me with a ‘shocked’ look before running in the other direction while screaming about how anthropology isn’t a lie. Whatever the fuck that implies concerns me given that it didn’t take a genius to tell that it might have to do with me.
For some stupid reason, instead of going back home, Twilight figured it’d be a good idea to keep walking around town with me, along with her friends. Of course, I didn’t object; they were nice people. So I went along with it so I wouldn’t let them feel so bad. I didn’t so much as speak unless I was asked a question, or Golden Arrow did something adorable that I simply couldn’t ignore or smile and point out. Of course, it embarrassed the colt when I did, so I kept doing it. Embarrass your kids; it teaches them humility. Or would it be ponility because they’re ponies?
“So Bob, how are you liking Ponyville so far?” Twilight asked.
“If I grew up as a pony, I’d probably love it for how peaceful it is. Since I’m not, I can only remember that this is the sorta place I wanted to move to after I retire. If I could retire; with how my world was heading, I’d be lucky to even retire after working for fifty years. Still, this place is pretty cool even if it does kinda sting knowing that any plans I had for the future were kinda flushed down a toilet.”
“I… I’m still sorry about that.”
“Eh, not much you can do. Sending me back home is borderline impossible, right?”
“That’s what Princess Celestia said.”
“With that said, I don’t hate you for it. At the very least, you’ve been trying to accommodate me, and I can tell you’re not a bad person. I just happened to be the poor bastard that got sucked up by that spell you were experimenting with, so that sucks.” I placed a hand between her ears. “Also we humans have this fun thing, where if we deem something cute enough, we literally cannot get mad at them. For reference, we consider wolves, sometimes tigers, anything that might possibly be dangerous and lethal, cute.”
“What does that mean?” Rarity asked.
“Twilight’s fucking adorable,” I couldn’t help but grin when Twilight’s face was suddenly pinkish. “Like you ponies do not get the right to be so fucking cute. Golden’s cuteness levels are so high that I’m surprised I haven’t had heartburn from how sweet he is.”
“I’m not cute! I’m cool!” Golden growled. It was meant to be scary.
Nah, it made him sound more adorable.
I scratched Twilight for a few seconds and she sighed in pure relaxation until she was sighing in disappointment. Our little group kept on walking until eventually we found ourselves outside of Sugarcube Corner. Surprisingly, it was already getting pretty dark, which helped give me a nice view of what was happening through just the lights of the building(and the sounds of the building). There was a party going on; that made me smile a little bit. Pinkie walked out of the building and waved at us.
“Hey Bob! Welcome to your party! Come on in!” Pinkie led our group in, where most of us split up to go enjoy the party while Twilight stuck around to keep me company. In the corner, I could see Spike going to town on some gem cupcakes that happened to be on the snack table. Ponies all about who were previously chatting were now staring at me. The DJ, who was a white unicorn with some goggles on, fully stopped the music as soon as I walked in and even they were staring at me. I was about to raise my hand to wave but figured that was probably a bad idea.
Especially since everyone in the room was giving the stink eye. “C’mon everypony! Is silently threatening humans truly how we should be spending the first ‘human party’ in all of Equestria?” Pinkie asked. Of course, somehow, some way, that managed to get everyone to not stare at me and the music resumed playing. So I just stuck to the corners of the room because everyone seemed to part like the red sea when I walked by. Like it’s like I had some sorta plague and I was supposed to be quarantining.
Of course, Twilight followed me to that corner. Along with Pinkie for some reason. “So Bob, how are you liking your party?”
“I don’t think anyone wants me here. I’ve been around the block a few times and I can read a room kinda well. Usually when everyone gives somebody, who’s different from everyone else, the stink eye, that’s probably a good sign of racism. Or that they just don’t like you. It’s a cool party, my first party at that, but I dunno if I can properly enjoy it.” Pinkie then handed me some fruit punch and I smelled it. I shrugged at the weird smell and drank it. “Usually though, when I do manage to go to a party, I just hang around the corner with a can of Pepsi…”
“What’s that?’” Pinkie asked, completely ignoring the part about the party somehow.
“I just had an idea to make bank. Pinkie, can I buy a bag of sugar even while the party’s going?” Before I could even question what the fuck Pinkie did while running off, she came back with a bag of sugar. “Cool. When the party’s over I’m gonna go ahead and start experimenting with a recipe for a drink that’ll be awesome at parties.” I stood up and cracked a shoulder. “Well, I might as well try to enjoy the party. Thanks for throwing this for me, Pinks.” I think Pinkie had a heart attack over my little nickname for her.
I started making rounds around the room, occasionally a pony would actually stop me and have a friendly conversation about what I am, who I am, and what my personal interests are. Because I’m not a very interesting person, I couldn’t really talk about that third one, and it definitely didn’t help that I’m horribly socially awkward. Luckily, I managed to pretend to be interesting and not socially awkward, and even caught wind that I was legally Twilight’s pet human. That’s fun; I’m a horse’s property.
Hell, one of them thought I couldn’t talk and tried to pet me on passing. So I flipped them on their back and started tickling the shit out of them. Once I thoroughly violated their belly with my hands, I got up to walk away, only for the pony to ask for more belly rubs because they felt good apparently. So that’s how I spent a good hour, being at the end of a line for ‘free belly rubs’. “Come one, come all, I will rub your belly, and it might feel good,” I said unenthusiastically as I rubbed some mare's belly until she fell asleep.
I’m dead inside.
Eventually I snuck away from the ‘petting booth’ and found Golden Arrow. At first I was gonna let him ‘hangout with his friends’ because he was surrounded by a whole two fillies. Then that turned out to be a really bad idea since Golden looked like he was backing away in fear, which didn’t sit right with me. As I got closer I could hear the little bitch with a tiara make use of the term ‘blank flank’ as an insult. I may not be a pony, but I can safely assume that’s a really mean insult.
“Oi!” I picked Golden Arrow up. “Why the fuck are you bullying somebody at a party of all places?”
“Oh, so the hairless monkey comes to the defense of a blank flank. I suppose it-”
“Shut the fuck up you stupid shit. Like fuck, this is a god damn party where people come to enjoy themselves. And you’re making somebody’s time worse than it should be at a place like this.” I could feel Golden Arrow’s tears stain my shirt. “Tell me, what about being a blank flank is so bad?”
“Cutie marks define a pony,” Golden Arrow whispered.
“Ah, I see,” the little bitch had a tiara cutie mark. “So she’s making fun of people who have the potential to actually have talent, rather than being a retard who managed to finally figure out how to put a fake tiara on her head. What a class A bitch, eh Golden?” The colt giggled a little bit at that. Now he was just laying his head on my neck. “So, lemme guess, your name’s Diamond Tiara because you’re just that much of a basic bitch?”
At that point, Diamond Tiara was crying her eyes out.
“What? If you’re gonna dish it out, you best be able to take it. I don’t fucking tolerate bullying as is, especially at a place where people are supposed to feel good about themselves. Now fuck off before I do something your father should do; beat your ass with a fucking belt.” Diamond Tiara and her friend’s ears flattened against their heads as they ran away. After that, I found a chair in the corner of the room and did… Well, I sat in it. It’s a fucking chair. What the fuck do you think I did with it? Shoved it up my ass?
“So, how are you feeling kiddo?” I asked, holding Golden like a puppy. He was surprisingly heavy, but given that he was a baby, miniature horse, that made some sense.
“I-I don’t like being called a blank flank. Nopony does! It-” I booped him on the nose. “Wha?”
“Hey, think of it like this, a blank flank is like a blank canvas. Sure, it might look boring and uninteresting, but think of it like this: A blank canvas has unlimited potential. You can make it whatever you want, a nice beach, a locomotive, anything. You can do whatever you like with it, like you can with yourself. You can find a cutie mark that you want. Diamond Tiara’s just a class A bitch that is the type of painter to crumple up their canvas because they can’t help it turn into the very thing the canvas wishes to be… Something.” I patted Golden another couple of times.
“I… I think that makes sense. So I still have a chance to be something cool?”
“Of course. Don’t let some shithead, who’ll probably grow up as the town bicycle, tell you that you’re worthless when her only talent is literally wearing a stupid, fake crown. On top of that, you’re a sweet kid, which already makes you a better pers-pony.” I continued to hold Golden Arrow like that. And when I started scratching the back of his head, I learnt that ponies could purr. You do not understand how fucking cute that is.
And that’s how I spent the rest of the party, scratching a colt who just got bullied. And by the end of it, I had a sleeping foal; even his snores were adorable. What the fuck, god? You put me in a land of sentient ponies, and decide to make them overly fucking adorable? At least they like petting, so I can at least do that. They are also stupidly soft and squishy apparently. Or that’s just Golden’s baby fat.
Anyways, I had to ask for directions to the kid’s house, and dropped him off to his mother. She was beyond happy to see him, where I learnt that Mrs. Arrow was actually a Ms. Arrow… I couldn’t help but hug her when she told me that. Look, she looked really sad, and the hug made her feel better.
The next day, I slaved away for a few hours in the basement, bootlegging together the recipe for Pepsi. Minus the food coloring. It was fucking torturous to reverse engineer the recipe, but I did it eventually. Of course, I couldn’t be left alone for too long in the basement without somebody questioning if I wasn’t straight, so Twilight Sparkle walked in after flipping on a lamp that was of my design.
“You know, I will never get over that. It makes the basement so much brighter and less scary!” I didn’t look up, making sure I wrote this recipe down before I slit my wrists. I accidentally made Coke instead of Pepsi, which is a slight success, so that’s pretty damn cool. “Bob? Are you alright?” I looked up, and the apparent lack of sleep that I had was pretty obvious judging from how Twilight flinched.
“I’ve been up since fucking yesterday.” I lifted up a piece of paper with the coke recipe. My hands were shaking. “But I made a beverage from home. It took a while since I don’t have caffeine to work with,” I sighed. I then lifted up a flask of clear, bubbly liquid. “Wanna give it a try? It’s pretty weird, but it’s fun.” Twilight cocked her head to the side.
“Well, if humans drink it all the time, it can’t be that bad!” Twilight took the flask in her magic before taking an unladylike swig of it. “That… is weird,” Twilight hummed before taking another sip. “But it’s really fun! Even if it does kinda sting my throat on the way down.” Before I knew it, she downed the whole thing.
“It’s a good thing that I made a barrel of that stuff… It was still good though? Nothing wrong with the taste?”
“Nope! It tasted pretty good and… kind of addictive. It’s like drinking sparkling apple cider, but without the apple taste.”
“Cool. I can flavor that with various fruits like apples, grapes, oranges if you have them. I’m surprised that this stuff’s even remotely addictive; yeah, there’s a lot of sugar in there, but surely you guys can’t get drunk on that shit. Though your body does like sugar, and will do a lot of things for sugar even if sugar is really bad for your body.”
“It’s not the sugar that’s addicting. It’s the… bubbles.”
“Ah, the carbonation. Yeah, that’s the main reason why people back at home liked coke. If the ‘bite’, the feeling when the carbonation hits the back of your throat is too strong, I had this other idea planned called Pepsi, which is like a sweeter bootlegged version of Coke.”
“That could be good. Want any help? I’m sure Pinkie or Apple Jack could help you out with finding the exact taste you’re looking for.”
“Nah. I’ve been struggling with this the whole day and it’s actually pretty fun to be struggling with this thing. Struggling is pretty fun sometimes. Especially when it’s something the human mind loves. Considering I just gotta add more sugar and less carbonation for Pepsi, I think I can make Pepsi right now,” to prove my point, I made another bottle while showing Twilight the process, before coming out with another barrel. I poured myself a mug, something I’m surprised that ponies have given that they don’t have hands, and took a sip.
“Well, that’s a bootleg, sweeter Coke. I think I’m good to sell the recipe and start making money so I can do things.” I let Twilight take a sip; she preferred my bootleg Coke over my bootleg Pepsi. What a bitch. “Can you get your friends so they can taste test this? I’ve got three barrels of Coke and a barrel of Pepsi. I’m probably gonna just call them Sparkles and Sparkles Light in reference to how I made them in the Sparkle’s basement.”
“I… I guess that’s a name. At least it isn’t copyrighted.” Twilight began staring off into space for a moment. “Well, I’ll go get our friends and we can taste test it. I’m sure Rainbow Dash would be down to try something new. And then we can all go on a picnic that we were planning on going on anyway!” Twilight happily trotted upstairs and that was that. At some point, I found myself sitting at a table in the library reading another book in the Daring Do series, because apparently it had more sequels than Alpha and Omega.
Unlike Alpha and Omega, Daring Do’s sequels actually seemed to improve with each installment to the point where I actually preferred some of it over an Idiana Jones movie. As somebody who never watched any amount of Indiana Jones, that should speak volumes of my praise for Daring Do. It also probably helped that I was mind numbingly bored without a computer with music and porn on it, Or the fact that I left my phone on my nightstand before being dragged into this colorful hell hole.
At least the ponies are kinda cute, and I think I earned the right to hold Golden Arrow whenever I see him. So I get to hold one of said cute ponies. “Hey Bob,” I looked up to see Spike poking one of the barrels of Sparkles with a claw. “What are these?”
“Something I plan on selling at some point. If you wanna have a taste, go get a cup from the kitchen, and then hold it under the spout. I’ll show you what to do from there.” Yes, I took the time to engineer something to make removing liquid from a barrel easier, and yes, I am going to sell that too. An Entrepreneur born in 1964, who’s now a CEO, will look like he has a peasant’s money by the time I’m done selling shit. Hell, I can probably do something similar to what that guy did.
Anyways, Spike walked off to the kitchen just as five familiar mares, along with three fillies I haven’t met yet, tailed in from behind Twilight. “Howdy,” I folded the corner of a page to mark it, and put it down on the table. “Did Twilight tell you guys about why you were coming here?”
“You’re taste testing something,” Rainbow grinned. “So where’s the food we’re taste testing.”
“Well, unless you want my sausage, you aren’t taste testing food.” Everyone gawked at that. Well, except Rainbow, she just snickered before she glared at me. I walked over to the barrel of Sparkles and Sparkles Lite. “I made some beverages from back home, mostly to sell, but also because I just wanted to at least have a comfort of the world I left.” Spike came out with a bunch of cups. “I thought you were just grabbing a cup for yourself.”
“You said you were doing a taste test, so I grabbed a few extra cups.”
“Smart kid,” I noogied Spike. He swatted at my hand. “And also thank you,” I took a cup. “Anyone wanna try it?”
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Taste Testing Cutie Marks YAYY!” Before I knew it, the three fillies had three cups in their hooves, and each downed a full cup of both of each drink.
“Weird texture.”
“Good taste.”
“It’s good!”
“Did we get our cutie marks?” the Orange pegasus asked.
“Nope. Though shouldn’t you guys be doing stuff you enjoy if you want your cutie marks? From what I can understand, that’s how you get them.”
“Well, we initially came for free food. The idea of getting a cutie mark came secondly… Can we try to capture you later for a human catching cutie mark?” the unicorn asked. I looked to the adults in the room and mouthed ‘what the fresh, flying fuck’ and they just shrugged. “We can also do human lobotomy for a cutie mark. Twilight, can we lobotomize your human?”
“Don’t mind Sweetie Belle, Bob-”
“She just asked to poke the shit out of my brain for her own self actualisation! I’d say that’s something to be fucking mindful of!” I sighed. “Also Twilight, if you let them lobotomize me and give me a mental illness, I will commit genocide on Ponyville. I want to die, but I prefer having a brain that doesn’t have needles poking it at random…” I sighed. “Anyone else?” Apple Jack shrugged before taking a sip.
“Wooee! That’s pretty tasty. Ah bet if Ah could mix some apples into this, it'd be a hit!”
“Go for it, and I can provide the Sparkles, the name of this stuff, you provide the apples. Boom, business partnership. You get a majority since you’ll be majority of selling, possibly marketing, and your apples. Making a barrel of these shit-taki mushrooms is pretty easy if you’ve got the recipe. Hence why I wrote the recipes down.”
“Ah wouldn’t say Ah won’t take yer offer, Bob. We can meet up later and work out the actual numbers later.”
“Sick. I just need money so I can get myself a house. Twilight, I love you and all, but a man loves his privacy. It’s kinda hard to get that when I live with a unicorn and a dragon.”
“But how will you rub my belly if you live in another house?” Everyone just stared blankly at her. Except me. I know what belly rubs do to ponies. “What? Those hands are bucking magical-” Apple Jack, Rainbow, and Rarity just started glaring at her. “Are magical, I tell you!” to empathize her point, I grabbed Apple Jack because she happened to be close by, and pulled her up on my lap.
“Ay what in tarnation- oh that feels nice…” Apple Jack was soon fast asleep after I started rubbing her belly.
“See?”
Anyways, one sleeping Apple Jack later, and a unanimous agreement that soda was an awesome thing, I had a business deal with Pinkie Pie. She got the recipe, and would be selling individual bottles of Sparkles and Sparkles Lite at Sugarcube Corner. Rarity said she would tell her rich friends in Canterlot to help with getting the word out. And I said I would make everyone a barrel of both sodas as a ‘thank you’ for taste testing it. Except the fillies, they had an extra cup and were bouncing off the fucking wall because of the sugar.
Rainbow Dash got addicted to that shit by the way.
Eventually, I was sitting on a picnic blanket, holding a sandwich with flowers in it. Of course, eating this thing would probably kill me, so I just sat and stared at it while everyone was enjoying themselves. My stomach grumbled due to the fact that I neglected eating food to make Sparkles. “Aren’t you gonna eat your sandwich?” Twilight asked. “If you’re hungry, you should eat.”
“Twilight. I thought it was pretty clear that I can’t eat flowers given that I ate a salad and started gagging the moment I put a flower in my mouth. Give a plate of beets, nuts, anything other than flowers, and I can eat it. I’d much prefer bacon or steak, but I know I’d be killing some very sentient and intelligent beings in order to fulfill that wish, so I’m down to be a vegetarian. I just can’t eat flowers. And I am not gonna be a vegan. Fuck those guys. Not literally, most of them are insufferable.”
“Oh. Sweet. Celestia! How could I forget!” Spike then pulled out a fish sandwich and handed it to me while Twilight was panicking. “You’re one of my best friends!” That’s pushing it, but sure, we are friends. “How-” before Twilight could continue panicking, I scarfed down my sandwich before snatching her up with my shark hands. “I’m sorry,” Twilight whispered as I held her in my lap. She was actually fucking crying over this… god dammit, now I feel bad. I started rubbing her back while she bawled her eyes out.
“Don’t worry about it. I used to grow up in a household where my parents actively didn’t make me food when I couldn’t cook at the ripe age of six. So off the bat, you’re better than my parents. Plus you house me, feed me, and let me fuck around in your lab, which is pretty cool of you.” Okay, maybe Twilight is my best friend. “You’re usually pretty chill until you have a manic episode. I forgive you, and let’s just forget this already.” I started stroking her back while Rarity just swooned.
“I would kill for a special somepony like you. Granted, it is weird since you’re legally Twilight’s pet, but it’s really sweet!” I blinked a couple times. If you were not me, you’d probably seed a loading bar as I contemplated what the fuck Rarity just said. “Bob?”
“Rarity, did you just imply that I’m Twilight’s boyfriend, or lover?” I asked.
“Yes. Is that bad?”
“Well for one thing, I literally can’t be attracted to Twilight. And despite my best efforts to remain distant, I do actually consider Twilight a friend at this point.” I looked down to see Twilight managed to fall asleep in my arms. Fuck, if my heart wasn’t melted already, it was liquid ‘holy fucking shit! Why the fuck are you so cute, you little shit?’. “I don’t think we’d even make a good couple. I doubt dating is the forefront of Twilight’s mind, and it certainly hasn’t been the forefront of mine.” I kept idly stroking Twilight’s back while she snored.
“Y’all are surprisingly close. If Ah didn’t know any better, Ah’d assume y’all were datin’.” Apple Jack pointed at Twilight. “Most mares don’t just fall asleep in any random stallion’s embrace. The last time Ah can remember doing that was with Big Mac when Ah was a filly, and Big Mac’s my older brother. At the very least, you are very important to Twilight.”
“I can’t imagine that I am. I’m not a very fun person to hangout with. And most of the time, Twilight and I are nerding out over some human invention that I can explain to her while I’m building it. Heck she’ll probably nerd the fuck out when I managed to make a calculator…” I shrugged. “Though I have to admit, it’s flattering and heartwarming to see that Twilight would actually willingly use me as a pony bed…” I started to wear a shit eating grin. “Though does that mean you wish to bed me, Apple Jack? If I recall correctly, you were sleeping my lap earlier.”
“Listen, you rubbed my belly, and apparently it’s really relaxing!” Apple’s face was red now. “A-ah don’t want to sleep with you or nothin’.”
“Adamantly denying it makes it seem like you want it,” my grin broke into a smile when Apple Jack groaned and buried her face in her hat.
“Pfft, I doubt belly rubs are that good,” Rainbow raised a hoof to her chest. “And it’s pretty uncool to- Bob, what are you doing?”
“You really shouldn’t have said a word when you’re sitting so close to me.” I was already scratching the back of Rainbow’s head. The cyan pegasus’s tongue started hanging out the side of her mouth as she was caught in pure bliss. A squeak from Fluttershy made me stop.
“Hey dude! I was just starting to enjoy that too!”
“Fluttershy’s jealous…” I picked up Twilight and laid her head on Rainbow. Almost immediately, Rainbow was blushing harder than Apple Jack… Ah, I see. Rainbow’s probably not straight, but whatever. I got on my knees, stretched on over, and soon had a very happy Fluttershy in my lap. “What the fuck? You’re so fucking soft!” I was honestly surprised, but it was a pleasant one.
“Hey! That looks fun! You’ve got a second hand. Pet me too!” Pinkie grabbed my hand after sitting down beside me… Pinkie was somehow softer, which was fun.
The next thing I knew, I was in a Pony Pile with everyone except Rarity and Apple Jack. The former just shook her head with a smile, while Apple Jack was too busy squealing into her hat to do anything else.
God help, these ponies are fucking heavy.
Author's Note
Pinkie will now be used as a reference for fluffiness.
A wild Fluffle Puff would be trillion Pinkies.
Fluttershy is seven million micro-pinkies. a strong contender for third fluffiest pony.
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How a Bean Bag Caused a Civil War in Ponyville
I’ve spent the last week making a bean bag. It’s one of those other things that I simply want as a comfort from home, but if I could sell a few bean bags for money, then that would be pretty cool. Instead of worrying about that though, I was about to go meet up with Apple Jack and Pinkie Pie to discuss the terms and conditions of them selling Sparkles, or my bootlegged versions of Coke and Pepsi. I even managed to bootleg together an orange soda, and since oranges are almost exclusively a summer thing, I would be selling that myself to see how ponies react to it. I grabbed a flask of the orange soda to sip on and slipped that into a flask holder I made, which was just a glorified belt.
So I got on my usual T-Shirt and shorts, because I had nothing else to wear and had to do my laundry every single day in my birthday suit, and walked out of the basement. The comfort of my bean bag will be tested later, since it’s using rice instead of memory foam, but I’m certain it’ll be worth it. It was a bit of a challenge to find a suitable material to hold the beanbag together, but sewing a tarp together and covering that with a softer material did the job nicely.
While walking through town, as I kinda forgot where Sugarcube Corner was, I managed to find Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, or the Cutie Mark Crusaders doing some shit that I wanted no part in. so I immediately spun around, and noped the fuck into the other direction. After hearing some of the things they’ve managed to do, like burn down half of town with water(what the fuck?). I wanted nothing to do with that shit. Luckily, because god is dead, or a sadist, Sweetie Belle trotted up to me and tapped my leg with a hoof.
“Hello, Mr. Bob?”
“My fucking god,” I said under my breath. “Hey Sweetie Belle!” I knelt down. “What can I do for you?” I’m so fucking glad for having worked a summer job in fast food. You get really good at not telling somebody to go fuck themselves no matter how much you’d love to tell them to fuck off. On the brightside, the Crusaders were fucking adorable, so I couldn’t tell them to fuck off if I wanted to. At the very least I can flip them all on their back and distract them with a belly rub.
“We were wondering if you can help us with our pet sitting cute mark,” Apple Bloom’s accent really couldn’t be anymore adorable. “Or our science cutie marks. I heard about how yer a scientist or something. Maybe you can let us into your lab.”
“For one thing, I’m not some pet, so I can’t help you with being a pet to sit on. Also ‘my lab’ is Twilight’s. She just lets me use it because I end up making something that benefits you ponies. And I’m not so sure she’d want you in her lab. If you want, we can go ask, but I’m trying to go make a business deal with your sister. So that’ll have to wait.”
“Okay!” I couldn’t help but ruffle Apple Bloom’s mane.
I ended up carrying all three fillies to Sugarcube Corner because they demanded scratches from me. By the time I entered the bakery, my back was aching, but now I was lacking three fillies in my arms, because now they want their business negotiations cutie marks. Low and behold, Pinkie and Apple Jack were sitting at a table, along with the Cakes, Pinkie’s employers, happily chatting with each other. Upon seeing me, Pinkie happily waved, Apple Jack nodded, and the Cakes reacted like I was some kinda freak and just nervously smiled at me. You know, nice friend welcomes that made me feel welcomed.
“Sup,” I pulled up a chair and sat in it. What the fuck else was I gonna do after pulling it up? Jerk the chair off? Probably, I wouldn’t be surprised if chairs were sentient.
“Everything’s going well at the farm.”
“Cool. Pinkie?”
“I have another party planned if we end up making a deal,” Pinkie’s smile got even wider. Before the menace could open her mouth again, I booped her on the nose, and her face was somehow pinker than usual. I chuckled before reaching over and ruffling her mane… what a fucking mistake that was. I now have a lap Pinkie, which I suppose isn’t too bad of a fate, but ponies are heavy, and my legs are very fragile and my bones are glass.
Why do these ponies like cuddles and petting so much?
“So, how do we splittin’ the proceeds? I’ll take anything really; I’ll just be handing you guys the recipe and asking for a cut since I don’t think y’all wanna head to Twilight’s house and roll a barrel of seven up her basement’s stairs anyways, so I wouldn’t be using a lot of resources personally.”
“Ah’d say a sixty-forty split in mah favor,” Apple Jack said. “You did spend a lot of time making the recipe; Ah’ll just be flavoring it with apples and selling it. Does that sound like a good deal?”
“You shoulder counter offer! Sixty-forty in your favor! You didn’t eat or sleep until you got the recipes!” Apple Bloom shouted.
“Yeah!” Sweetie Belle chimed in.
“What’s a split?” Scootaloo asked.
“I’ll take that deal, AJ. it’s better than what I was expecting.” I woulda turned to the Cakes, but Pinkie’s fucking mane was in the way. “So what about you guys? You guys get the recipe and I’ll just take like ten percent of the profits. Sounds fair?” The three fillies started pouting when I ignored their advice.
“Shouldn’t we be discussing this with Twilight? She made Sparkles after all.” Mr. Cake, I fucking hate you now.
“No, she didn’t. I did, it’s a human commodity. If you’re implying I’m too fucking stupid to make business deals, which I am, or think the hard fucking work was that of another, I’ll call off the deal with you two. I can just ask AJ if she’d be willing to sell the regular flavors of Sparkles along with her flavored stuff. Same offer I was gonna give you guys.”
“He ain’t lying by the way,” Apple Jack said, sipping out of a flask that had Sparkles in it. I’m assuming she stopped by and got some point. Probably even got my permission if I wasn’t paying attention. “Ah can tell he ain’t lyin’ and looked about ready to pass out from how long he was in that basement.” My new business partner nodded at me. “Though Ah would also take you up on that offer as well. It would be smart to have extra flavors.”
“So, Mr. and Mrs. Cake. wanna take my offer? If not, no water under the bridge, but god will I look forward to finding a remote location outside of town to build a house at. You fuckers are more racist the the KKK. Just less violent.”
“Well… What’s the KKK?”
“White colored humans who do inhumane and violent things to humans that are dark brown. We aren’t here to talk about how fucked up the human race is though; we’re here to discuss business. I’ll give the recipe to Pinkie and she can do whatever the fuck she wants with it. AJ, I think you and I are gonna be great business partners even if I don’t and won’t know what the fuck I am doing during our partnership.”
“No worries, Bob, Ah’ll be fully transparent with you.”
“I suppose I should as well, and I’ll say it now. I’ve been holding back on my trade deal.” I pulled out the orange stuff. “This is another flavor of Sparkles that I made in my free time… Pinkie, can you please get off my lap? I can’t feel my legs.”
“But your lap is super duper comfy!”
“Please? I’ll let you lay in my lap all you want next time I see you.”
“Deal!” Pinkie nuzzled me before hopping off my lap and heading over to her seat.
“Anyways, this is what I’ve dubbed Oranged Sparkles, as the color implies, it was made with oranges. Personally speaking, Apple and Orange soda are the best flavors of soda, which is also partially why I’m making this deal. Whatever the fuck you slip into your apples makes them hella fuckin’ tasty,” Apple Jack puffed her chest out in what I assume is family pride. “This is a flavor of Sparkles I’ll be selling myself in my free time, or when I feel like it. I won’t be sharing the recipe for it any time soon.”
“That’s fair Ah suppose; I wouldn’t be sharing the recipe Ah’ll be using to flavor this stuff anyways. Ah would like to try some of that orange stuff. As much as Ah like apples, Ah can admit that oranges are quite nice.” I pulled out another flask and handed it to the farm pony and she immediately took a swig after yanking the cork out. How she did that without her teeth, or thumbs is something I can’t even begin to explain. “Wooee that is good. How much for a barrel?”
“How much are you willing to pay for a barrel? I don’t really understand how bits work.” At this point, the Cakes just went back to running their store.
“Ah’d pay about five bits for a barrel. It’s worth the taste.”
“So is that a lot?”
“You can feed yourself for five days with five bits.”
“Jesus.”
“Who’s dat?”
“Some asshole that’s dead to me. When I get back to Twilight’s place, I’ll make a barrel for you.” I slipped Apple the recipes for both versions of Sparkles, along with instructions to properly flavor them. “There’s that by the way; figured it’d be helpful to have that so our partnership would actually go somewhere.”
“That would be a pretty important part of our deal, Ah’d say. Though I have an extra term Ah’d like to add.” Oh god. “Scratch here please,” AJ took her hat off and pointed behind her ears. I did as asked. “That wasn’t the extra term; that was just bothering me the whole time and Ah wanted that taken care of.”
“Now I have another idea. It was good chattin’ with you. I’ve got a bean bag to test out.”
“What’s dat?”
“Wanna come find out? I can get you that barrel of orange soda while you learn the comforts that we humans like to partake in.”
“Alright.”
“Can we come?” The Crusaders asked. Wow, those fillies were somehow quiet after I made my trade deals.
“Sure.” With that, we all filed out of the building, except Pinkie, she had to work. Well, she disappeared after I handed her the recipe for Sparkles, so I can only assume she disappeared into the concept of time and space. We all kept on walking, well, the Crusaders decided to play tag with each other, and it was through this that Apple Jack is actually pretty good at holding a conversation.
“So, Bob, what’s yer real name?” AJ asked.
“...Why do you ask?”
“Ah doubt anypony would name their foal ‘Bob’. I also have a hard time believin’ yer name’s Bob when you sometimes you seem like you forgot yer name.”
“Well… My name definitely isn’t Bob. I’ve been called Bob in the past since it was a nickname, but it isn’t my actual name. I just didn’t feel like having my actual name be known; I didn’t know what the fuck Twilight wanted from me at the time, so I came up with a very creative name.” I shrugged. “Though I still don’t think I should give out my actual name. I trust you guys, but I don’t think my name particularly matters.”
“It would be nice to call you by yer actual name though.”
“It would be, but I don’t think it would matter when there’s approximately six ponies who will respect me enough to call me by name. So Bob it is!” I patted AJ on the name. “But seriously, it does mean a lot to me when you guys are willing to treat me like an actual person rather than an animal. I try my best to treat you guys like how I’d treat another human, but then y’all do something like demand scratches from me in order for us to be business partners.”
“Well, yer hands do wonders for when it comes to itching… Well, itches.”
When we walked inside, we immediately went down to the basement, to find Twilight Sparkle laying in my bean bag. “Hey Bob! Whatever the hay you just made feels really nice to lay on!” I just stared blankly at the unicorn before shrugging. “Bob? Is something wrong?”
“I just have a feeling that I’ll be making more bean bags… which I’m not mad about; everyone must know about bean bags. The only problem is…That bean bag as for me, and sewing a tarp together is hard, annoying, and kinda bloody. Like I’ve stabbed my hands like six or seven times with a needle while making just one of those things.”
“Wait… you’ve been hurting yourself and not coming to me to heal you?”
“Well, I already live in your basement, take up your only guest bedroom, and basically do nothing except occasionally put lunch together. I feel like I’d be asking too much if I were to ask you to kiss my boo boos to make them feel better. Though in all seriousness, that never crossed my mind, and also I never drew blood when poking myself with the needle. It hurt a lot, a lot more than stepping on a Lego Brick, but it hurt.”
“Next time just ask; I’d rather you not be in pain.”
“I will, Mom.”
“Anyways Apple Jack, this,” I pointed at the bean bag. “Is a bean bag. It’s very comfy and great for lazing about after a hard day’s work, or just for if you have a lazy day. Fortunately, my owner decided to take refuge in my bean bag, which was honestly gonna be my new bed.” Before I knew it, the Crusaders shoved Twilight off of the bean bag and all began sitting in it, which woulda been cute to watch since they would be cuddling… They were cuddling for five seconds and were now out for blood to keep the bean bag.
“It’s mine!” All three of them shouted while a dazed Twilight rubbed her head.
“Enough.” I shouted. Apple Bloom was five seconds away from bucking Scootaloo in the face. “That’s my bean bag. And my new bed. I’m going to be the one keeping it. If you want one, I can make you one, deal?”
“Fine…” the crusaders began to sulk upstairs.
“That won’t be the last you’ll hear about this,” Apple Jack chuckled. “Though Ah don’t get the appeal. How soft is it?” I bowed and stepped aside far the farm pony to enjoy the bean bag.
I had two bean bags commissioned. Twilight offered to pay me, but I refused to take money from the person that houses and feeds me on their dime. Apple Jack decided to pay two bits for one. So I made a deal with myself to finally go outside and buy more materials to make two bean bags tomorrow. For now, however, I could barely keep my eyes open, so I laid down on my bean bag and began to sleep. This was way better than those pony sized mattresses, which were big, but not very long; not very accommodating to my bean pole of a body.
In the middle of the night, I felt my mattress slip out from underneath me. In a jolt, I rolled on my stomach and got on my knees. From there, I noticed… Seriously? The crusaders, all wearing ski masks, were dragging my bean bag up the stairs while whisper-yelling at each other to shut up, hurry up, and to stop rustling my bean bag. Logically, I just sat there and waited for them to be out the door before getting up to just go use the guest bedroom again.
Twilight said I was always welcomed to it, and I was making more bean bags tomorrow anyways, so I didn’t care enough to chase those fillies. What can go wrong? Murphy ain’t a person in this realm, so what can bis stupid law do to me here?
Everything apparently.
So I woke up the next day, ate breakfast, chatted with Twilight over it, and taught Twilight the basics in the laws of physics. Overall, it was a good morning for me, but not my lap. Because Twilight wanted to learn and take notes while laying in my lap because she heard it was comfy. In other words, she just liked laying in my lap, and she was too cute to say no to. I didn’t mind even if I couldn’t feel my legs after an hour of note taking and note correcting.
I helped Spike clean the library a bit before going out to get the materials for the bean bag. For some reason the town was pretty empty, even the marketplace was kinda empty. Since everyone left their stalls unattended, I used some bits Twilight had lent me to grab the materials needed while leaving three of bits at each stand I raided for supplies. Was this legal? Probably not. Was anyone around to see? No. So if reality is fully based on one’s own perspective of what happened…
I did nothing wrong.
Eventually I found out why Ponyville felt so angry. Near the town hall, a huge group of ponies were crowded around a center point. Because I was taller than everyone, I got to see what was going on. There was a whole fucking battle royale between fillies, colts, stallions and mares. All of them were beating the fuck out of each other while my bean bag sat in the middle. The crusaders were actually working together, hitting other kids in the heads with chairs, rocks, anything really.
My jaw just hung as eventually
Without another word, I decided I liked not dying in an angry mob. So I turned around and walked back to Twilight’s show and began working on three bean bags. Twilight and Apple got theirs, and were happy with them until the two of them, and the rest of their friends were called off to go deal with said mob. Hell, even Equestria’s fucking Royal Guards had to get involved.
Town hall was apparently burnt down, several houses had their windows smashed in, and the school house was partially scorched. How these ponies made molotovs without any alcohol was beyond me, but I didn’t want to ask why. So I helped with the clean up crew where I could and even made a few bros out of some of the guards while we took breaks in between fixing Ponyville.
Somehow, someway, nobody was charged with any crimes. Ponyville was fixed up after a week, and I still got myself a bean bag to lie in…. the carnage Ponyville went through just for me to have a bean bag wasn’t worth it. How the fuck did a bean bag even cause a mini-civil war in Ponyville? I don’t know.
Later that week, I had ten bean bags made since Twilight was hosting a sleepover that I was invited to. I even got to invite Golden Arrow, which was fun. Since we didn’t have enough bean bags, I’d have to share mine with that little colt, which I did not mind in the slightest. When everyone showed up, they couldn’t help but notice how eerily similar they were to the thing that caused the town hall to burn down, but didn’t complain about the comfort.
“So Golden, where were you during… this week’s earlier excitement?” I asked my favorite little colt while Twilight and her friends gossiped and gave each other makeovers at Rarity’s request.
“I… just stayed at home. Mom wanted me to help bake cookies, so that’s what we did. Did the ‘excitement’ have to do with all the Solar Guards being in town?” Golden Arrow asked. He snuggled into my chest as we laid in our shared bean bag. Spike had to share with Twilight despite there being enough bean bags to accommodate him and Golden Arrow.
Golden just wanted to cuddle, and Twilight wanted to cuddle her dragon.
“Kinda. Doesn’t matter anymore; it’s over at least…” I looked at the girls, who were now all staring at me with a newly traumatized Spike covered in makeup. “Kiddo, pretend to fall asleep in three, two, one, snore!” I dropped my head and curled around the equally terrified colt. If we fall asleep fast enough, we might not get punished with a face mask!
Intermission with Princess Celestia!
I could not believe my eyes when I read Twilight’s friendship report. About how it’s not good to fight over something that was highly coveted by everypony involved. What made me even more surprised was that that coveted item was a ‘human invention’ according to Twilight and not some sort of cursed object. I hummed as I read it over before being handed a letter from Mayor Mare.
Apparently whatever a ‘bean bag’ was, warranted burning down town hall and a schoolhouse… I swear, Ponyville was never this costly when it came to property damage until I sent Twilight to live in Ponyville. I cannot comprehend how my student’s presence could warrant the rise in damages, but I believe a certain human can be to blame for this set of damages…
Perhaps our conversation during Nightmare Night won’t be so friendly. Luckily, Nightmare Night was only a week away; my sister and I will meet Twilight’s new friend very soon…
“Sister! Have you heard these ‘love songs?’ they are absolutely atrocious!” I chuckled as Luna slammed open the doors and started yelling about chord progressions, lyrics, and all sorts of other things she hated about the genre... It was cute to watch her get so worked up over these things, so I let her get worked up over it.
Author's Note
Beans
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Meeting Pretty Racist Pony Princesses That Aren’t All That Bad
“And that is Nightmare Night!” Twilight said from behind a curtain. For some reason, she decided that I needed the concept of Nightmare Night explained to me. It is literally just Halloween but you happen to give a piece of candy to ‘Nightmare Moon,’ which is Luna’s alter-ego, that is a huge bitch. Twilight then poked her head from behind her curtain. “Are you trying to get a peek at me? It’s rude to watch a girl get changed, you know!” The purple unicorn was now adorning a wizard hat with bells on it along with a fake beard. Honestly, it was kinda cool looking, hence why I wanted to see what the rest of Twilight’s costume looked like.
And she made me come up here in order to explain to me what Nightmare Night was.
“Twilight, you’re naked all the time. You’re covered in fur. I’m a human person, who grew up thinking that wanting to fuck a horse is weird as hell. I can’t get sexually aroused by seeing you dress…” I simply shook my head. “Though I wish I knew what Nightmare Night was earlier. I might be a wee bit old to go collect candy, but I never got to celebrate my world’s equivalent. Woulda loved to put a costume on beforehand…” I chuckled. “I supposed I can go as a monkey. Just gotta put my birthday suit on, and boom! Shaved monkey!”
“That… that is disgusting.”
“Twilight, I woke up earlier this week with you cuddling me. I know you’ve seen me without a shirt on.”
“You looked very cuddleable!” Twilight shouted from behind her curtain. “Plus you weren’t complaining!”
“You’re a soft, fur covered animal that’s smarter than I am. You know how many guys would love to just do that? That’s why humans keep dogs around; we like fluffy animals.” Twilight stepped out from behind the curtain. Now the rest of her costume… just consisted of a cape with stars in it, which was… neat I guess. “Cool costume. Dunno what it is, probably some historically important unicorn that’s been gone for a whole minute.”
“Thanks… Do you even know who Starswirl the Bearded is?”
“Nope. Not a unicorn, can’t use magic, showed up in Equestria not even three weeks ago… Hey, that's a new record; I haven’t killed myself yet!”
“You, mister, are not killing yourself, ever.”
“Yeah, I know. I realize that you and your friends, for whatever reason, got attached to me. I can’t hurt y’all like that. Plus living in Equestria isn’t too bad,” I said as we walked downstairs. “So are we just handing out candy or what?” As soon as I found Spike, I had to wonder what the fuck went on in his head, to think that dressing up as a dragon made sense. So instead of asking why, I went to answer the door when somebody knocked on it. “Awww! Those costumes-”
“It’s a monster!” One of the fillies screamed. “Run while you can!”
“Hey now-”
“Sorry sir, our parents said we can’t talk to you.” My body sagged a little. I opened my mouth to speak, before sighing.
“You three don’t even want candy if I’m handing it out, don’tcha?”
“Well… our parents said you might’ve-” I slammed the door shut.
“Aight fuck it. Twilight, you can go enjoy your night, I’m gonna go invent alcohol and get fucking smashed-”
“But we were going to meet the Princesses tonight! Do you understand how important this night is? It’ll be Princess Luna’s first Nightmare Night, and it’ll be the first time Princess Celestia came out on Nightmare Night! And you’ll be meeting them as well. An alien meeting the Princesses for the first time!” Before I could protest, I was outside with Twilight(Spike stayed behind to hand out candy), so there went my plans for the night. Hopefully the Princesses aren’t as racist as their subjects.
Spoiler alert: One’s racism is very well concealed and the other is blunt as hell and also racist.
At some point we saw Pinkie, who dressed up as a chicken, and she even called me a monster. It was probably to get the foals, who she was trick-or-treating with, wild up. Even though I’m pretty sure they all genuinely believe that I am some sorta monster; though I’m more than likely to just hold and baby them than to ‘eat their bottom’. Mostly because eating a child’s ass is pretty disgusting, immoral, and probably illegal. Well, I’m not eighteen yet, but it’s still kinda fucked up.
So at some point, Twilight was muttering about how important Star Swirl the Bearded was as thunder made her jump. “Oh the looks on your faces!” I looked up at Rainbow wholly unimpressed. “Oh come on Bob! Lighten up! It was just a prank!”
“If I had any amount of time to prepare, I would hunt you down and scare the fuck out of you with a human invention. So instead, sit down for a bit and let me tell you about Micheal Myers.” Rainbow raised an eyebrow to that. By the time I was done, she was on the floor, curled up in a ball while I dragged on the story for a good twenty minutes. “Who knows… maybe I’m not the only human that Twilight dragged into Equestria… Maybe Micheal also came with me… He’ll be wearing your face next, Rainbow Dash. Oh shit, there he is!” I ran away screaming like I was about to get murdered and Rainbow did the same in the opposite direction.
“That was mean, Bob,” Twilight glared at me after I walked back over to her.
“Meh. I think it's Leatherface that wears other people’s faces. I always get my horror movie monsters mixed up. Just be lucky I didn’t explain was Slender Man was…” I looked up to see a chariot with bat ponies pulling it. Two hooded figures were riding in the chariot and it was supposed to be scary and stuff, with how lightning punctuated their movement and through the sky and even their landing. “Oh hey Satan and Antichrist! Didn’t expect you two, tonight!” I waved as both figures disembarked from the chariot. One stood roughly a head taller than Twilight, and the other was about as tall as I was.
“Luna, I believe we overdid our entrance.”
“But sister, ‘tis tradition…” Both figures took their hoods off. One was a fully-white furred horse wearing a crown with a rainbow mane that was giving the finger to physics. The other was a midnight blue pony with a mane with the night sky in it that was also giving the finger to physics. I could roughly make out wings under their cloaks, both had crowns, and horns. The white one had symbols on her regalia with the sun, while ‘Luna’ had, as her name implied, moon markings on hers.
“Hey Twilight, have fun with those two. I’m gonna go into that forest over yonder and see if I can’t find something to get high off my ass.”
“Going into the Everfree would be unwise, Bob,” the white one said.
“Meh. After living in a world where I almost got killed over the amount of ketchup I put on some dude’s sandwich at work, nothing seems that scary. Or having a mother that literally threatened to cut me with a rusty knife if I didn’t bring home good grades.”
“What!? You never told me that!” Twilight shouted.
“You never asked!” Judging by the white horse, who I could now assume to be Princess Celestia, was looking at me, I could tell that even she was mildly disturbed.
“Your mother… would cut you for not doing well in school?”
“Not the worst thing she’s done to me; my parents were assholes.” I bowed slightly. “Anyways, I’m gonna assume you’re Celestia, since you called that midget over there,” I pointed at Luna, “Luna.” I stood up straight before walking up to them, at arm’s length, before stopping. “Holy shit are you guys beautiful.” Up close I could see that both their eyes were magenta. And for horses, they were fucking cool looking. If it weren’t for the fact that both are probably capable of ripping my dick off, I would reach over and pet one of them.
“Did thou call us short!?” Luna shouted. Ow. my ears. “Well, we’ll have thou know that we are taller than the average pony! And at least we have fur unlike thou’s barren, ugly skin!”
“Man. And here I was about to say you look prettier than your sister. Or assuming that a Princess would be pretty accepting given that she apparently had to deal with griffons, or whatever the fuck.”
“Well, you do look… odd. I was expecting you to be a bit more dangerous looking,” Celestia said.
“Aight cool. I was gonna walk into this and try to be somewhat respectful, maybe joke around a bit, but if veiled and blunt racism are just gonna be a common theme today, then I’ll just go hide in Twilight’s basement and make shit to get drunk on. Or find Golden Arrow to see what he’s dressed up as. Hey Twilight,” the unicorn shook herself from her shocked expression. “Have fun with your teacher and her sister.” I turned to walk in the exact opposite direction of the Princesses.
“Wait!” I turned my head. “I’d like to… apologize if I offended you,” Celestia said. “Though you shouldn’t have called Luna short.”
“That was mostly a joke; Luna very clearly wasn’t joking and probably gave me hearing damage. Hell, she’s gorgeous. And I’m not saying that to cover my ass. Even I, a stupid human that looks funny, can tell you two are beautiful. However, given that most of town, that isn’t Twilight’s little friend group and a whole colt and said colt’s mother, seems to really not like me. I think I’m gonna spend the rest of my night just coming up with ways to recreate human inventions.”
“I was going to chat with you about making those illegal. I’ve heard how one of your inventions caused a lot of property damage.”
“It was a fucking bean bag. Something nice to lay down on, or sit in. It’s not my fault that ponies got addicted and caused arson over the one bean bag that I made.”
“I- that’s what a bean bag is?”
“Yeah. If I wanted to blow this town up, it wouldn’t be that hard. I would rather just have the commodities of my home, such as beverages and treats, or comforts like a bean bag- whoa, that is way too close.” Somehow, I didn’t notice that Luna was approaching me until her nose was right in my face.
“Thou finds us… beautiful?”
“Yeah. please get your nose out of your face.”
“Would thou like to… spend Nightmare Night with us?”
“Didn’t you literally call me ugly because I wasn’t a pony?”
“We apologize for calling thee that.”
“That sounds so genuine. I can tell by how you’ve been giving me a very unconcealed stink eye since you set your eyes on me.”
“A common house pet should not speak to its Princess like it is right now.”
“I cannot wait to move out of Equestria once I make enough bits. With some of my inventions, I already got enough to buy a house apparently and it’s only been a week. I sent plans for my bean bag to some company who’ll mass produce them and give me a cut too, so I’ll probably have enough money to go buy an island. Then I can get away from you racist assholes.”
“Fool! It is an honor that we even allow such a foul creature-”
“Luna, that is enough,” Celestia sounded calm, but I could tell she was mildly angry at her sister. “Mr. Bob just doesn’t understand friendship.” Bullshit.
“But sister! It speaks ill of our subjects and of us.”
“We humans literally used to lynch people that had a different skin tone from us. Fuck one guy killed six million people simply because they were a scapegoat for why his country was fucked after a war it lost. You ponies are far less violent in your racism, but it’s still racism. Fuck you both, eat a dick, whatever the shit. I hate you both already, way to make a first impression by the way. Oh look, I think I see Golden and Ms. Arrow. I’ll go hangout with them.”
With that, I turned around only to not be able to move.
“Firstly, Bob, I would like to apologize… on my sister and my little ponies’ behalf. Our nation is built on equality and we shouldn’t be treating you the way we are. And despite my own reservations, I shouldn’t have made any offhoof remarks about you.”
“Cool.”
“Perhaps we should start over,” Celestia offered me a hoof. “I am Princess Celestia.”
“Cool.” I took her hoof and shook it.
“Luna, introduce yourself to Mr. Bob please.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes.”
Luna stuck a hand out. “We are Princess Luna, it is… nice to meet thou.”
“I’m Bob,” I couldn’t help but smirk at how Luna looked disgusted when I shook her hand. “So did you guys get two, large, soft mattress things in the mail at some point?”
“We did, yes.” Celestia answered.
“Cool. Those were bean bags that I made; Twilight asked if I could make those for you.”
“What? A foul creature like thee made that? How can something so stupid-”
“Man, you are doing a good job at earning my favor, your highness. I might even take my pocket knife and shove it in my jugular right now just to show my respect for you. Can I go now?”
Luna sighed. “Look, we are sorry for how we have been treating thou. It is… clear that thou is not a bad pony. It takes… effort to get over our prejudice. Can we be… friends?”
“Sure.”
“Really?” Luna looked so happy, so I gave my equally happy response.
“Sure.”
“Thou does not sound so sure.” Luna’s ears drooped a little… Fucking Ponies and their puppy eyes.
“Sure.”
“Ugh are thou- urk.”
I just booped Luna on the nose. I turned around to see Twilight running in the opposite direction. “So if we’re gonna be restarting for like, the tenth time since we’ve met ten minutes ago, I’m Bob. Nice to meet ya, you’re a pretty pony, Princess,” Luna actually started blushing. “Wanna be pals?” This time I was genuine. I can tell Luna is at least trying even if it’s not working out super well. I can respect the effort at least, so hopefully tenth time’s the charm.
“Yes! Our first friend! Sister, art thou proud?”
“Yes I am Luna,” Celestia simply chuckled. She then mouthed the words ‘thank you’ to me. “I believe it is about time we go enjoy Nightmare Night? I’m quite interested in how Ponyville celebrates it.”
“The human’s trying to eat Princess Luna! Run!” Pinkie shouted as a whole group of foals began running in the opposite direction.
“He is not eating me!”
“I could eat you out.”
“What?’
“Term for sex. My tongue in your backside.”
“Oh?” Luna was now bright red.
Celestia giggled. “You have an interesting way of talking to royalty, Bob.”
“The last royalty of, that my country had, got shot in the back of the head for being a huge bag of dicks. I don’t have respect for royals in my blood. You’ll have to earn my respect,” I said while leading them over the bridge. “After… what totally didn’t happen. But I won’t respect you because you have a title and position of power.” I wrapped an arm around Luna’s neck and she froze. “I can respect Luna for at least trying to get over her prejudice-”
Luna just nuzzled her head into my chest and continued on walking like nothing happened, leading me forward. She was dragging me along with her, which I honestly didn’t mind. “But not because she’s ruling over a country and has a crown on her head.” Luna then looked up at me in surprise. “You’re lucky that you’re also kinda adorable, Luna. or I wouldn;’t have been as forgiving as I was.”
“We are not cute.”
“Said the fluffy Princess.” Luna’s blush returned.
“You do understand that’s a way to flirt with mares, right?” Celestia asked.
“Oh… you do know I’m not hitting on you, right Lulu?”
“...Lulu?” Luna cocked her head before shaking it. “But I suppose it would be wrong of me to assume that you’re trying to court me. But you holding me like this sends mix signals… especially with how you’re stroking my neck.”
“What happened to the Royal We?”
“I’m talking to a friend, as a friend, not as a Princess.”
“Ah. You look a lot less offended about me touching your neck than when I shook your hoof.”
“This feels… nice.”
“Really? Let me try!” Celestia magically moved Luna and then I was suddenly on Celestia’s back. “Now rub my neck please.”
“Demandful, much?”
“That is not a word, young stallion.”
“It is where I’m from,” I said while stroking her neck.
“A Princess likes to be pampered every now and then. Twilight has gone into detail in her letters about how good your hands are for making a pony feel relaxed… She was correct in her assessment. Now I regret my prejudice even more now. Human hands are quite… nice,” Celestia purred. “Seriously, sorry about how Luna and I first treated you. You truly aren’t that bad even if you aren’t the most polite stallion in the world.”
“Care to forgive and forget? I was about to say pretty off the cuff things myself. Plus I don’t think I made too good of an impression at first anyways- whoa, what the-” now I was on Luna’s back. “The fuck?”
“My sister forgot that you are my human.”
“Wha in-“
“I want to be petted.”
“-Da fawk?”
“Now Luna, we can share the human, and take him from Twilight. I hear that belly rubs are quite lovely and there is currently only one human. Perhaps we can say Bob is ours now… however it is my turn with the human.”
“Oh hey apple bobbing!” I rolled off of Luna’’s back, fell on my ass, and ignored it so I could bother Apple Jack into letting me bob(hah!) for apples. The Princesses followed me at my heels.
“Howdy dere, Bob,” Apple Jack then bowed to both Princesses. “And howdyoudo, Princesses. Would you like to try out apple bobbing?”
“Hell yeah! I never got to do this when I was a kid!”
“Ah didn’t know you were a goat,” Apple Jack said with a smirk. I hate you, AJ. “But Ah suppose Ah can allow you to go bobbing after the Princesses. Let them have some fun first.”
“What is… fun?”
“How… Did you ever leave the castle? Ever?”
“We have not,” Luna dipped her head a little.
“Aight then, let’s have a competition, a friendly one. We’re going to be playing these games together, and whoever wins the most… gets nothing really. It’s all in good fun. And after we’re done, you can tell me what fun is.”
“Okay… can you hold our crown?” I nodded and put the crown on my head when I was given it. Twilight eventually found us while Apple Jack was explaining apple bobbing to the Princesses.
“You aren’t imprisoned in the Everfree yet?”
“Yeah. me and the Princesses came to an understanding. Now, we are willing to be friends for the sake of it. And once you get past the fact that they were being racist, they’re actually pretty cool… Aside from the fact that they might kidnap me after tonight, but whatever.”
“Buck!” Luna shouted, her mane was now drooping and not flowing due to… it being wet. Celestia was in a similar vein. I don’t think either of them got an apple.
“Oh come on guys, apple bobbing can’t be that hard,” I walked on over before putting Luna’s crown on her head wrong on purpose. I dunked my head in the water and nudged an apple with my chin into a wall. A moment later, I grabbed it with my teeth and pulled it out. “Now… Because I know AJ at this point, my prize is an apple?”
“Yup!” Apple Jack nodded. “Want another go?” I nodded.
I won eight more apples and a completely shocked face on everybody that was watching me. “How’d you do that?” Twilight asked.
“Physics. An apple can’t slip away from you when it’s underwater if it’s up against a wall, can it?”
“We demand a rematch. Thee must be cheating!” Luna pushed me aside, which allowed me to eat one of my apples. After being offered, Celestia and Twilight took two of the eight apples I won and ate them with one bite. Fuckin’ horses and their big mouthes. I could hear Luna’s muffled voice as she yelled at the apples that were likely alluding to her. It was kinda funny to watch a princess wiggle her ass in the air for all to see while screaming profanities at apples underwater.
Several colts and stallions were staring at said ass.
I grabbed Luna by the flanks and pulled her out before she accidentally suffocated. I then dunked my head in the water, nudged an apple against the wall of the bucket and directed Luna to it. She then submerged her head again, somehow without losing her crown despite having it underwater, and came out with the apple I moved for her. “Yes! Eat those apples, Bob! We are victorious.”
“Actually sister,” Luna turned to Celestia. “Bob still won. He won eight-” I pulled my head out of the water with another apple. “Nine apples.” I put five of the apples I won back in the water and kept the remaining three for myself.
“Curses!”
The next game we walked over to was darts. It ended with me coming in second. Celestia surprisingly got first while Luna came in dead last. At some point I got put in a dunk booth and got wet and was shivering like crazy. Logically, both sisters started fighting over who got to drape a wing over me to keep me from catching a cold. So Twilight took advantage of that by sitting next to me on the ground and cuddling against my shirtless body.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna bed me, T-Twi?” I shivered as I leaned into the fuzzy, warm horse next to me.
“Don’t make this weird, Bob…” Twilight sighed as she cuddled into my lap. “This is nice.”
“It is.” Celestia had Luna in a headlock while the two shouted at each other. We both watched as Luna pinned Celestia, vice versa, overall it was kinda funny to watch. Then they both paused mid wrestle and blinked a couple times.
“I feel a disturbance in the harmony,” Celestia and Luna slowly turned to me and Twilight. “Twilight, who said you could take the human?”
“...The law that says he’s my pet?” I would slap Twilight for that, but I know she knows better to think of me than a common house pet. Especially when I’m the one petting her.
“And Twilight is perfectly lap sized.” The next thing I knew, I had to filly sized Princesses in my lap while Twilight was trying to roll off her back and back onto her hooves.
“While we are in town, Twilight Sparkle, Bob is our human,” Luna sighed as she leaned into me.
“But you guys are now too s-small t-to k-keep me w-warm…” I started shivering again. Luna was then shoved off me, and I had a full sized Celestia to lean into. Celestia was way warmer than Luna or Twilight, so I felt nice and snuggly under her wing.
“Ah…”
“I believe I know which pony is the human’s favorite.”
“Twilight.”
“I will send you to the moon.”
“Cool. I always wanted to be an astronaut.”
“I’ll sit on you.”
“Ah, threaten me with a good time now?”
“You’re insufferable.”
“Cool.”
“I hate you.”
“Thanks Mom.”
“I thought your mother hated you.”
“Yeah, thanks Mom.”
“I… do you want to talk about your foalhood? There is no way somepony like you can be mentally stable after the few things I’ve heard of your mother.
“Course I’m not mentally stable. Still won’t talk about it.”
“That’s unhealthy,” Twilight said.
“Being alive isn’t healthy. There’s a strong case of death at some point during my life, and that isn’t healthy…” I got up. “Now let’s go play more carnival games-”
“Look everypony! Princess Celestia will finally take away Twilight’s awful pet!” Some random guy pointed at me.
“Shut up, fuckass. Betcha got a failed marriage to return to!” The stallion in question started running away while crying and sobbing about how accurate that was. Gladly nobody commented on my vicious verbal lashing. “Anywho, let’s go play some more carnival games. Those are pretty fun.”
“We think we know what fun is now,” Luna got up and rubbed up against me. “It’s a nice feeling we get from doing things… that said, let us go do more fun things!” Luna started off in some direction. And I found myself laying across Celestia’s back as she followed her sister.
A Day in Ponyville. Feat: The Arrow Family
So now that I had met the Princesses a little over two weeks ago, my time in Ponyville really didn't get any better; it actually didn't improve at all and it was annoying. Legally, I am Twilight's pet still, but none of her friends, or Twilight herself treats me as such. So that's nice. Golden Arrow sometimes stops by the library to hangout, or just to get a free bottle of Sparkles, which I was all too happy to give. Hell, Ms. Arrow would sometimes come by and chat with me as well. It seems like she respects the hell out of me for keeping such a level head despite how everyone else in Ponyville treats me.
So logically, we were chatting over tea. Well, Ms. Arrow was having tea. Me, being a mature man-child, was sipping on some orange soda because that’s what any smart man-child does. “So here’s the plan. Golden’s been telling me about how his birthday’s coming up, and I made something cool for him.” I pulled out a box and opened it. “I asked Twilight to help me magically charge batteries… I know that kid of yours loves trains, so I made him a whole electric train set.” I opened the box and revealed the set. “It’s got tracks that can be taken apart and put together with ease; it’s got a remote too, works with magic that helps make the train work.”
“It looks well made too.” Venice whispered.
“Yeah, I managed to get the blacksmith to make me the parts, and put them together after telling me I was retrieving it for Twilight. I did ask Twilight to also cast a spell on it that makes it magic proof, so nobody can take it apart. And I doubt any colts or fillies are gonna be able to take apart solid steel. Plus if it breaks, nothing a screwdriver and a few spare parts can’t fix.”
“I still don’t get why you’re putting so much time and care into me and my little Arrow. I’m grateful that you’ve come up with such a wonderfully made gift, but I must ask.. Why?”
“Well, Golden likes me a lot, and you’re one of the few ponies in town that treats me like a friend rather than some dumb animal. This might make Golden happy, seeing his adorable little smile always brightens my day, and you get to see your kid be happy; what every parent should want for their children. It’s a win-win-win. Plus all the little colts and fillies will be jealous that Golden’s got such a cool toy that nobody else can get…” I shrugged. “I repay any kindness given to me tenfold. I’ve already got gifts for Twilight and her friends planned for ‘Hearth’s Warming’. This is mostly just my way of saying thank you for helping me not go mad with how I’m not even legally a person.”
“Well… thank you. I do expect that you’ll be at Golden’s birthday party, correct? It would make his day.”
“Like I’ll miss it. Just tell me a day and a place,” I pointed at my watch. “And I’ll be there.”
“You should know it’s tomorrow and ten. If Golden hasn’t already invited you, I would be surprised.”
I ruffled Venice’s mane and she gave me a playful glare. “You did a good job at raising that kid. Take the train set for now, and just say you found it in a really nice toyshop.”
“But shouldn’t you take credit for building the train? It is your creation after all.”
“Yeah, but Golden’ll think you’re the coolest Mom ever if you give him the coolest gift ever.”
Venice shook her head with a smile. “If it were not for the fact that you are very clear about not being attracted to ponies, I’d assume you would be trying to date me and get on my good side with favors.”
“Would I be doing a good job if that were the case?”
“Yes. If you were into ponies, I would give a relationship between the two of us a chance.” Venice got out of her chair and hopped up so she was halfway in my lap. “You’re a good stallion.”
“Nah. I’m just good at hiding the bad parts of me.”
“What bad qualities do you have?”
“I tickle cute mates.” Venice opened her mouth to question that before I ended up tickling the shit out of her. Despite her being much stronger than I am, that’s just how horses are, she still seemed to struggle to get away from me as I continued to tickle her ears, her hooves, anywhere I thought maybe ticklish for the fun of it. I continued to hold Venice while she caught her breath. “See? I’m evil.” Venice’s laugh was so fucking cute, that I couldn’t help doing something that made her laugh.
“Y-you… you are a monster. I-I,” Venice wheezed. “H-how did Cel-Celestia not-t drag y-you a-away yet?” Venice moved her head while I scratched her neck to allow me to get to the special spot that every pony I scratch seems to have. I don’t know where these spots are on every pony, but I know where Venice's special spot is. What do these secret spots do? Well, it feels good, and makes the target pony do the kicky leg.
“Because I bribed her with a ticket she can cash in at any time. The ticket demands that I have to help Celestia tickle the fuck out her sister.” I carefully rubbed the mare’s neck as she used my chest as a pillow. “You mares are always so god damn soft. It’s a crime that I can’t at least stroke all of you guys at least one time.” I chuckled. “Have you caught your breath yet?” I asked.
“Buck you.” Venice sighed in relief while I scratched her ears.
“Hey now, I don’t do ponies.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, yeah I do. You have things for humans.”
“You are quite childish.” Venice said as I moved to the floor to give her easier access to laying in my lap. “I do not know your age, however, so I guess I can’t judge.”
“Well, I’m about seventeen. And I couldn’t really ever be a child with how awful my parents were. Wouldn’t you like to just be silly every now and then if you never could be silly as a kid?”
“I suppose I would like to be silly every now and then even now… But you’re still legally a child? I thought you’d be older.”
“Again, I never really managed to have a childhood, so I usually act more mature out in public.”
The door swung open and Rarity and Twilight walked inside, chatting up a whole storm. Before their eyes fell on me and Venice. “My, my, Bob. I did not expect you to actually try having an affair with a mare. Especially not one so pretty!”
“What?”
“Venice is quite renowned around down for being very attractive, Bob. And I’d say you scored her.”
“Rarity, we are not dating. I’ve recently learnt that Bob is still legally a child. And even so, I wouldn’t force my friend into a relationship he wouldn’t be comfortable with.”
“But you two would be such a cute couple! Even the rest of our friends agree.”
“The rest of our friends also don’t see me as an animal, Rarity. I dunno how dating animals works in Equestria, but back at home, you’d be considered a freak if you looked at an animal and tried to date it. That doesn’t even take into account the morality behind doing that since most animals can’t consent.”
“But if you two love each other.”
“Rarity, please stop being a cunt,” every mare in the room gasped. “And stop trying to play matchmakers. I get that it might be fun or whatever, but sometimes it just seems like you’re sticking your nose up somebody else’s tail while your nose is already deep up your own.”
“How… When did you learn that phrase?” Rarity asked.
“Venice.” Both Twilight and Rarity then looked at Venice, who had still not moved from my lap.
“I explained what it meant in exchange, he told me a human phrase that was similar.”
“Get your head out of your ass.” Venice snickered. “Yes, I know, really funny with two different meanings,” I patted Venice’s back. “One of those are these lovely things.”
“And you say were aren’t dating. You just said my flanks are nice.”
“They’re really comfy.”
“I know. You’ve used me as a pillow before.”
“With how you two act,” Twilight pulled some romance books out. “You two might as well be dating.”
“Or just good friends. I say the same shit with you, and you don’t think I wanna have your children.” Twilight was now as red as a tomato. I took a swig of my soda before patting Venice. “Do you gotta do anything today?”
“Wanna get rid of me that badly?”
“No, but I know Golden’s about to be out of school. We should probably go pick him up.”
“Oh sweet Celestia! You’re right!” Venice got up, headbutted my stomach, and then caught me on my back when I fell over in pain. “Let’s go!” I was then promptly carried out of the building while groaning and complaining about how my stomach hurts from being fucking head butted in said stomach. Or yelping as my bruised stomach bounced up and down as Venice dashed across town towards where Cherilee, the town’s resident school owner and teacher, was temporarily holding class since her school building was still under reconstruction.
When we got there, Golden was getting bullied by Diamond Tiara again. So I rolled off Venice’s back, rubbed my bruised belly before stumbling on over. “Oi, Diamond Tiara,” I grunted. Both Diamond Tiara, and her friend, Silver Spoon, looked away from Golden, who was cowering in the corner in front of them. “Do I actually have to beat your ass in front of town square to get this message across?” I stomped forward, letting my anger be very clear for anyone that could see me. “Leave. Golden. Arrow. Alone. Do not speak to him. Okay?”
I walked past both fillies, with Venice close at my side, who made her own distaste for the fillies very apparent. I picked up Golden and he immediately started crying into my shoulder. “It’s alright kiddo, me and your Mom are here…” I whispered to the poor kid as I very unsubtly kicked dirt in Diamond Tiara’s mane, and started following Venice home. “I betcha that you’ll feel better when we begin planning your party. What do you say?
“I don’t want a party anymore. Everypony’s just going to pick on me because I don’t have a cutie mark.”
“I won’t.”
“But you can’t get a cutie mark! You aren’t a pony! You can’t understand what it’s like to be harassed over not being talented!” Golden pounded a hoof into my shoulder as he kept on crying. Both Venice and I shared a look. “Nopony likes a blank flank.”
“Golden, what did those fillies tell you?”
“That I’m worthless! That nopony’ll want to love me because I will never amount to anything. Want my proof? You’re the only thing that likes me and you’re a human!”
“Kiddo,” I sat down on a nearby bench. Ms. Arrow next to us. “Before I ended up in Equestria, I used to live in a place called Logan. A dead end, ran down, in the middle of Fuck All, USA. Every single person from that town was practically trapped there. The education was horrible, basically nowhere was hiring you. I lived every single day being told I’m worthless. Every single day was horrible. Not even my own mother supported me when I finally managed to get even the chance to enter a college where I could maybe make a name for myself.
“I know what it’s like to be hated by my own mother, Golden. You’ve got your mother, who I know loves you more than anything. And even if I’m not a pony, I love you kid. And I won’t get mad at you for what ya said; you’re clearly not thinking straight. But let these words sink in if nothing else. Whatever the hell somebody tells you, if they aren’t supporting you, they are not worth listening to. If you listen to them, it plants doubt in your brain. That doubt will stop you from taking opportunities that could lead into something huge for you. People, or ponies, who support you will help guide and shape you.” I hugged Golden tighter. “I know you’re capable of big things kiddo. And don’t just surround yourself with yesmen either; they aren’t true friends if they let you do something stupid.”
“But what if I don’t get a cutie mark?”
“Tell me, when do kids usually get their cutie marks?”
“About thirteen?”
“How old are you?”
Golden suddenly felt my gaze to not be interesting to look at. “Ten.”
“So really, you’ve got at least three years to get one. And while I can admit that I will never come close to understanding the importance of a cutie mark, I can tell you it’ll be one of the best days of your life…” I patted Golden on the back. “C’mon, let’s go plan your party. I know three fillies who won’t make fun of you for being a blank flank. And I know you’ll forget all not wanting a party when you see the present your mother got you.”
“Okay… can you come with me to school tomorrow? It’s show and tell anyways, and I know the other foals will leave me alone if you’re with me.”
“Will it make you happier?” Golden nodded. “Then count me in.”
“YAY!” Golden nuzzled into my hold.
“Now go with your mother, kid. I bet she’d love to spend your birthday’s eve with her favorite son.”
“Can we have a sleepover? Just you, me, and Mom?”
I looked at Venice. “I suppose if Mr. Bob agrees to it.”
“Sure, why the fuck not?”
“You best not end up in my bed, young man.”
“Ah, you even picked up on that saying I taught you earlier.”
When we got to Venice’s house, there were a couple bean bags lying around the living room. Venice opened up a side room, which turned out to be a storage room as she dragged out another bean bag. “I see my inventions have been running rampant,” I commented as Golden came back with a bottle of Sparkles. “Which is pretty cool.”
“Wait. you made these?” Venice asked as she laid down on the new bean bag she had just pulled out.
“Yup. Made that stuff your kid’s drinking too. Technically those were invented by other humans; I just learnt how to recreate them and got some big production companies to handle making them. Or Apple Jack when it comes to selling food or drink products like Sparkles. I think I might bring about something that’ll help farmers; it’ll be the gift I’m planning on giving AJ. Twilight will definitely love the mechanical calculator I made, or even the ball point pens I plan on making. And I think you know what else I’m capable of making from… earlier.”
“What are you two talking about?”
“Tickling the shit out of you.”
“B-but I don’t want to get Sparkles in my nose. It feels funny and I’ll get sparkles in my nose if I get tickled!”
“But you’re adorable when you’re laughing.”
“I’m supposed to be fierce and strong like a stallion! Not cute like a mare!”
“I must agree with Bob, Golden. You’re quite adorable. Especially when you just chose to use the same bean bag that Bob had just taken residence on so you can cuddle with him. Or how you’re laying in a way that gives him easy access to your belly.” I realised I was absentmindedly I was rubbing that belly.
“So I like belly rubs!”
“You indeed do. Which is hella fucking cute,” I patted Golden on the head. “Though you’ve probably had a rough day, so we won’t torture you tonight with tickling. Instead I’m just gonna let you relax and enjoy… this,” I pulled out a baseball cap that I asked Rarity to sew for me after I showed her a sketch of the design. It was pretty much just a conductor’s hat. It had holes cut out in the sides for a pony’s ears to poke on through and have their full range of movement too. I plopped the thing on his head. “Now, aren’t you looking dapper with your new hat?” The colt felt the hat with one of his hooves as he looked at his mother.
“Do I look cool, Mom?”
“You are very handsome with that hat, dear.” Golden looked at me for approval. Honestly, that hat looked really fucking cool, and made an already adorable kid look even cooler. That said, even I could tell the kid was gonna catch some eyes simply for wearing a cool hat.
“You, my friend, are the coolest colt around. Just don’t wear it to bed; you’ll get a headache if you do.”
“Okay!” Golden took the hat off his head, and set it on the coffee table in front of us.
It didn’t take long for the kid to sleep. And since the bean bag was big enough, Venice got off her bean bag and joined us, but was using me as a bed rather than the soft, perfectly comfy, pony sized amount of space in front of me. “I don’t believe I’ve told you just how happy you make my little Arrow whenever you’re around. I’ve never seen anypony, or anyone for that matter, pull him out of a bad mood so quickly after such a rough day at school.” Venice laid her muzzle in the crevice between my head and my shoulder, right on my neck. “Thank you.”
“No skin off my nose, Venice. This kid’s like the little brother I always wanted, but knew I wouldn’t have. I can’t wait to see what he’ll grow up into; the future's looking bright for a kid like him.”
“And I know you’ll fully support him in whatever he wants to do. In a way, you’re like a father to him.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. But hey, who am I to complain about how a foal sees me? Especially an adorable one like this wee rascal.” I laid my head down on a pillow I was provided. “G’night, Venice.”
“Goodnight, Bob. Don’t let Nightmare Moon catch you in your dreams.”
“She probably will; Luna said she wanted to drop by in my dreams at some point. I wouldn’t mind trying to catch a cute Princess.”
“I… don’t think I’ve heard anypony call one of the Princesses cute.”
“When you’re a part of a race that thinks lions, like actual lions, are cute, you find a lot of things cute.” Before I knew it, me and Venice were out like a light.
The next day, I woke up at the asscrack of dawn, because I expected to be at school kinda early. Venice was noticeably missing, but I could hear sounds in the kitchen. So I moved out from under Golden, who somehow managed to lay on top of me in his sleep, and went into the kitchen to see a lunch bag with things that were supposed to be packed into it sitting on the counter while Venice hopped around the kitchen while making breakfast. “You don’t gotta make me breakfast, y’know.”
“But it’d be rude, as the host, to let you go hungry. Plus, don’t you want to taste my cooking?”
“I think I already see what you’re cooking,” I chuckled. “Nice cake by the way.”
“I swear, you are very insufferable.”
“Thank you!” I walked over to the lunch bag. “Need help packing this?”
“Yes I do. It’s… a little hard for me to do so I save it for last.” I had the bag packed and ready to go in a few seconds. “How…?”
“Human hands. Plus I used to bag people’s food for a paycheck. You had all the food for it ready anyways; I just finished the job.”
“You know, I think something tells me that you’d be good at working at a hayburger.”
“If I could even get hired. Half of my inventions are sent in under a fake name, a Twilight’s name, or sold through third parties such as the Apple Family or Pinkie Pie. Being… not a citizen kinda sucks, but hopefully that’ll change if I send in the basic instructions framework for an electric grid for Canterlot.”
“Wha?” I got three plates out of a cabinet. The smell of toast and eggs filled the room. “Is that a human thing?”
“Yup. Hopefully it’ll also be a pony thing in a century or two; I’m leaving this world a better place than I found it, and I’m doing what I can to reach that goal… as long as I don’t bring any human weapons to Equestria. Those are… they range from destructive to outright cruel.”
“Please, nothing can be that bad.”
“My kind has developed explosives that harness radiation. And nuclear shit. I don’t know the intricacies of it, but basically we made bombs that work very similarly to how the sun burns. With how powerful these explosives are, humanity can blow itself up six or seven times over with the amount of said explosives they’ve got. And… don’t even get me started on chemical warfare. Humans are awful.”
“Well… you aren’t too awful. Though you tend to tickle cute mares. I cannot forgive you for that.”
“Wanna do it again?”
“Perhaps…” Venice moved what she had just cooked onto the plates, and soon, we had three identical plates, and cups of orange juice. Then the woman hops up on her hindlegs, wraps her hooves around my neck and nuzzles my cheek. Before we could even disentangle, or before I could enjoy the feeling of holding a squishy pony, a certain colt cleared his throat.
“Mommy and Bobby sitting in a tree-” Venice and I broke apart, and I immediately scooped the colt up. “Uh… What.” Checkmate, kiddo. Golden’s laughter could be heard throughout all of Ponyville. After thoroughly torturing the kid, eating breakfast, and of course, kissing Venice on the cheek just to see her reaction. I followed Golden to the playground just outside of the school house. And before you ask, yes, Venice was as red as a tomato and it was fucking adorable after the kiss. And of course, Golden was wearing the new hat I gave him, and like any kid on their birthday, he was the happiest little fluff ball the world’s ever seen.
God, if I do end up dating ponies, Venice would not be that bad of an option. Though I think it’ll be a while before I even consider dating, let alone a pony.
Anyways, Cherilee was all too happy to let me learn in class. Not really; she thought I wasn’t that smart. “Are you… certain you can handle some of today’s curriculum? I know you’re sapient, and somewhat intelligent according to Twilight. But I’m not sure you can do math or reading very well.” I got a few whispers and stares from the kids in the room, but the crusaders were all too happy to see me, and were even happier to find another ‘blank flank’ in Golden. The four of them were quickly chatting away about how they would go about getting their cutie marks…
I think Apple Bloom has a crush on Golden since she kept her eyes on him even when the focus of the conversation was on Scootaloo or something. Oh, and she was noticeably distracted by Golden’s presence.
“Come up with the hardest equation that you’ll end up teaching these kids. I will probably solve it.” Cherilee shrugged and wrote out an algebra question, and every single kid in the room was tilting their heads or complaining about doing reading and math at the same time. Of course, I took the time to chuckle at that before solving it. It was literally just 3(x)=9, so it wasn’t even that hard of an equation. I even showed my work while writing out my answer on the portable chalkboard. “Anyways, I think I can handle whatever you have to throw at me… except history. Kinda gotta grow up in this dimension if you wanna know the history of it.”
“I suppose. But since you are already leaps and bounds ahead of everypony mathematically, I’d like it if you can help some of the children that are struggling in math. Though I know why you’re here, so if you just sit and watch Golden Arrow, I won’t mind. I’d just like some extra help while you’re here… I can pay you a few bits for the day if need be.”At least Cherilee was being polite after proving I’m not retarded.
“Pssh, I’ll do it for free. Teaching things is fun.”
The next thing I knew, I was hopping from student to student, explaining the third grade level math and reading they had to do. There was no science, so I couldn’t make use of my strong suit, but I didn’t mind. I couldn’t help but shit on history, but I did read through the section of a history textbook we were supposed to do, so I wasn’t entirely useless. As it turned out, Golden was quite gifted academically, so he rarely needed my help. I still came over to pat him on the head or give him a tip on how to simplify a math problem so he could solve it quicker.
The crusaders weren’t the most… skilled students, but after explaining the aspects of division and multiplication and some grammar rules in a simpler way than they were taught, they actually weren’t stupid. Hell, Sweetie Belle’s fucking smart. Scoot’s pretty smart too even if I saw her purposely get a question wrong. Given who her idol(Rainbow Dash, the Daring Do loving, non-egghead) is, I get why. They probably just fell victim to how the school generalized the education of many rather than nurturing the few. Apple Bloom wasn’t the smartest of the three, but she was still pretty fucking smart for her age.
Oh, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon asked for help, since apparently they were just fucking dumb. Of course, since I’m spiteful, I refused to help them; they’re little assholes. Diamond Tiaral actually threatened to sue me over not helping her solve five plus seven…
HAH your father’s one of my business partners, bitch.
Before I knew it, we had left for Golden Arrow’s party. And not too long into the gift receiving bit, Arrow got the trainset I built for him. Of course, he loved it, and got a railroad cutie mark. The way he bounced up and down in sheer, unfiltered excitement was fucking cute. Of course, the Crusaders were upset about ‘losing a member’ until Apple Bloom demanded they keep him anyways.
Oh, then she kissed him on the cheek. It took two hours to fix that poor colt.
The Great Snow War Has a Single Rule.
It’s been nearly two months since I’ve been dragged into Equestria. I gotta say, despite the heavy, heavy amounts of racism, it really wasn’t that bad of a place. Granted, I spend so much time in Twilight’s basement that I don’t go outside, but on the occasion that I do, it’s nice and quiet. Granted, it’s because everyone goes into hiding as soon as I step out the door, so it’s always nice and peaceful. Today, however, I found myself sitting in the living room of Twilight’s home with a brown sack sitting in front of me. After bean bags took off, and Sparkles having spread beyond Ponyville, I was sitting on a fuck ton of money. Most of which… I had no idea what to do with it.
I picked a coin out of the bag at random before dropping it back in. Now, my main goal was to go get a house of my own, somewhere outside of Ponyville. The only problem is… I need ponies to build the house, and then I need to pay those ponies. First, I need to find the ponies, but nobody was willing to even build me a house, so I was just stuck with a small fortune that in Apple Jack’s words ‘buy half of Sweet Apple Acres’. I sighed. There were few comforts a man could buy, especially in a town where most of the ponies were female.
So like an idiot, I walked out of Twilight’s home with a bag of bits and no idea as to what to do with them. Oh yeah, for some fucking reason, winter started up so it was cold as fuck! Wahoo! I fucking hate winter. I could buy clothes, but the only clothing shop is Rarity’s… she wouldn’t let me pay for anything even if I begged her to. On the brightside, it would mean that I’m not cooped up inside all day. So instead, I went back inside and walked out with a sewing machine I made. It was barebone and basic, but I’ve seen the one Rarity uses.
It’s old, and kinda sad looking. So I made a new one out of metal, made it harder for somebody to hurt themselves on the needle, faster, more accurate, and overall, was really nice. Hell, it was even magitecally powered. Which is what I coined when I asked Twilight to help me make a power source with magic. It works pretty damn well, and it’s one of the few forms of energy that doesn’t require anything to cool it down. Overall, me and Twilight were all too happy to discover it, and Twilight even gave a report to Celestia about it.
I walked on through town, occasionally stopping to get a feeling of where I am, and eventually found myself in Rarity’s shop and home. When I walked in, Rarity was all too happy to see me, but unlike most ponies that end up greeting me, didn’t demand scratches because Rarity’s apparently above that. So I made sure to keep my hands to myself unless she wants a massage. “Hey Rarity. I brought you a gift,” I handed pointed at the sewing machine.
“B-wha?” Rarity picked the sewing machine up in her magic. “This thing is gorgeous!” Rarity tapped it with a hoof. “Oh my! I was thinking about making you winter clothing; you need it due to your lack of fur. And since you’re here, I can make you that, and more!”
“You won’t make anything too overstated will you? I already stand out for all the wrong reasons; I don’t want to stand out even more than I already do.”
“Of course I won’t, though I will be making you a suit and tie should you ever need to attend a fancy event, but other than that, I can make your very casual clothing. Albeit… it would be a bit odd.”
“Because you ponies only wear clothes on special occasions?”
“Indeed. Though why did you choose now to give me a gift now instead of on Hearth’s Warming?”
“Well, consider it an early present…” I shrugged. “Also you wouldn’t let me pay you money every time you fix up my shirt or pants, so this is a part of me paying back my debt to you.”
“But now I owe you! This sewing machine looks incredible… is that two sewing needles?”
“Yeah. if you’re good at multitasking, you can sew two dresses at once if you want to.”
“But how will I do that with my hooves?”
“Magic. You have magic.”
“And that is why you are a genius, Bob. Are you certain you and Twilight are not an item? You two would be so cute geeking out about things!”
“I’m certain. But now you’ve reminded me that I missed out on booping Twilight on the nose like I do every morning… Fuck.”
“Worry not! I will make haste and at least make you a coat so you can get back and get to your daily routine.”
I soon left Rarity’s home with a jacket and some longer pants. Surprisingly, despite them being fairly light, they were very warm. God, next time I see Rarity, I am going to hug her, and I am going to tickle the shit out of her. I hummed a stupid little song about healing the world with comedy. After a few minutes, I wish I also asked for a pair of boots after some snow got into my shoes and made me want to kill myself. Oh, and then a snowball hitting me in the back of the head made me fully stop and turn around.
“Oh great. You just had to throw a snowball at Twilight’s pet human. Now it’s going to go feral and attack us!” I soon adorned a smile as I bent over and made a snowball or two. I turned around to see a minty green unicorn along with a cream colored earth pony. “I mean, look at its- HEY!” The earth pony was not very happy about me hitting her directly on the nose with a snowball. A second later another snowball hit her in the face… This earth pony’s fucking adorable.
“What? If you didn’t want me to join in on a snowball fight, you shouldn’t have hit me with a snowball!”
“Bon Bon! Don’t you see the opportunity here?” Uh. “If we have somepony with hands during the big snowball fight later, we’ll win against Twilight and her friends!” I blinked a couple times.
“You just want to spend some time with the human, Lyya.”
“Can you blame me?”
While the two kept going back and forth about how dangerous humans were, before scooping up the unicorn and cradling her like a baby. To this day, it still surprises me that ponies are easy to pick up, but will make my lap hurt if they lay in it for too long. “Oh my Celestia! Oh my Celestia!” Now, what do you do when you have a panicking unicorn in your arms with a very rubbable belly? Rub that fucking belly! “P-please put- oh that feels nice…” The next thing I knew, Lyra melted into my arms and was a perfectly happy, unreasonably cute unicorn.
I saw down in the snow and found out my pants were waterproof. I love you, Rarity. Just don’t make me wear a tuxedo.
“See? I’m not a bad human. I just look like an ugly sack of shit!”
“What? I always thought you were kinda cool!”
“Didn’t just think I was gonna kill you?”
“Yeah… I did some minor research on humans and know they are massive carnivores.”
“Omnivores. You eat fish, right?” Lyra nodded. “We humans are in a similar vein, except we can stomach more than just fish, and often prefer stuff other than fish. Also I wouldn’t want to eat somebody that can talk, have thoughts, and can dream. That would be downright horrible and I couldn’t live with myself if I did. So instead, because you ponies have a weird obsession with belly rubs, judging from the few that give me a chance, so I rub your bellies. Mostly because you little fucks are fucking adorable even if most of y’all are racist as hell.”
Bon Bon nudged me with her nose. “Uh… sorry about thinking you’re feral. We didn’t even know you could talk .”
“Meh. You get used to being mistreated after a while. Though I figured by now that half the inventions coming out of Twilight’s home would raise some eyebrows. Lamps, bean bags, soda, all that fun stuff. Who do you think makes that stuff?”
“Well, when Twilight isn’t dealing with some sort of monster, she does spend a fair amount of time in her lab.”
“Yeah, with me. Not to experiment with me, no, to test some inventions out for me. She loves pens.”
“Wait… you made that thing that got Town Hall burnt down?” Lyra asked.
“Hey, you ponies were fucking obsessed with those bean bags. How the fuck it led to you guys having a street fight over it, I don’t know, but you probably have a couple of those in your home.”
“We… do.”
“Yeah I made that, I assume you like Sparkles?”
“I… sell some in my candy shop?” Bon Bon scratched the back of her head.
“So… is it surprising that I can talk, when I made some of those things?”
“I suppose not.”
“Wanna help us with the huge snowball war?” Lyra asked. She was now curled up in my lap like a fucking cat.
“Sure. I might have an idea to help you guys make snowballs… I don’t think making them with your hooves is fun, is it?”
“It’s not.”
“Cool. I assume no magic, no wings?”
“Yup!”
“Cool. Give me ten minutes and I’ll solve the snowball throwing problem.” And I was off.
I made about twenty three snowball scoopers, stuck them in a box, and walked up stairs. Twilight and her friends were sitting around a table. “Ah Bob! We were going to ask you if you could join us for the Ponyville Snow War.”
“Uh…”
“You were in the middle of making something, weren’t you?”
“Yeah. I was gonna go test it.”
“I was hoping for you to make something that makes making snowballs easier. It’s so hard to do without magic.”
“And hooves aren’t fun for making snowballs either!” Apple Jack said.
“Darn. Well, I’ll see what I can do tomorrow.”
“The Snow War is today,” Rainbow deadpanned.
“Oh. Well, I’ll be right back.” I walked over to the door, nudged the handle with the box, and went outside to go find Lyra and Bon Bon again. It turns out they were grouped up with a bunch of other ponies, probably ponies that were supposed to be on their team. It was kinda fun to see so many ponies circle around me and actually look happy to see me.
“We heard you were helping us…” A tan stallion with an hourglass cutie mark asked.
“Yeah.” I pulled out a snowball scooper. “These things make perfect snowballs and are easy to operate with hooves.” I demonstrated how it worked and had four snowballs made in two seconds. “I have twenty four of them, which was a pretty good estimate… there’s about twenty-four of you dinguses. So that’s cool-” Lyra tackled me and was nuzzling into my cheek.
“Oh we’re going to kick Twilight’s tail!”
“But Lyra, it's the last pony standing,” Bon Bon sighed.
“Oh. But the three of us can have an alliance-”
I disappeared into an alleyway and disappeared from sight. It’s a free for all, and now I wanna win it. I spent the next half an hour building a snow trap. The next time I poked my head out of the alley to see Rainbow chasing after some pony named Ditzy while hurling snowballs her way. Rainbow stopped mid snowball throw and stopped to talk with me. “Hey Bob! Are you taking part in the Snow War after all?”
“No. I’m still experimenting. Wanna help me for a second? It’s really cool.”
“Well, if it only takes-” I pulled a string and a huge pile of snow fell on Rainbow.
“And Rainbow Dash is out! Oh hey! Celestia’s commentating over this! I waved at her as she flew by, but I don’t think she saw me. Fuck, I’m gonna hunt down Celestia and hangout with her for the rest of the day when this shit’s over. Rainbow stuck her head out and glared at me.
“That… Bob, you are evil.”
“Yeah. No hard feelings?”
“No, but I was hoping to beat AJ during this whole thing. Kick her tail for me?”
“Oh yeah, I spent the last half hour setting up traps after giving a few ponies some snowball scoopers. Then I learnt this was a battle royale… So I’m making use of human warfare tactics.”
“Well, if you win, you’re sharing the prize with me. That was a cheap tactic.”
“I’ll rub your belly if I win. Does that work?” Rainbow gave me a cute little hoof pump. “I’ll take that as a yes.” I patted Rainbow on the head before heading back down the alleyway. Low and behold, she didn’t follow me, and instead went out to where I assume was the ‘outzone’. But I don’t know what’s happening. I snuck into some guy’s home and pelted Twilight with a snowball or six as she walked by.
“Twilight Sparkle is out!” Celestia shouted as she flew by once again.
I hopped out the window, booped Twilight on the nose on the way by, and hopped into another alleyway before rolling up a huge piece of snow. Lyra and Bon Bon walked by and started gloating at how they managed to outlast the purple unicorn that has absolutely zero athletic skills at all. So I threw a snowball at Lyra and threw a rock at a wall to get Bon Bon’s attention. I then threw another rock at the wall and snow fell on the earth pony as she inspected the rock on the ground.
I snickered as Pinkie walked by and actually hit her in the eye with a snowball. So, because I felt bad, I went out, dragged Pinkie back into my hiding spot, and started cuddling her for a bit. Surprisingly, Pinkie was a good sport about it, but happily laid in my lap for a good minute. “Okie Dokie, Bobby, I gotta get to the losers’ spot before everypony thinks I’m cheating. I hope you win, Bobby!” I patted Pinkie as she zoomed off. Overall, I was feeling good at myself as I just took out like, half a dozen of the possibly forty-eight ponies in the competition.
I took out Apple Jack by tackling her and snatching her hat. When she got mad, I filled the hat up with snow and planted AJ’s face into it. In the distance, I could hear Rainbow laughing her ass off. Probably because Celestia found some way to broadcast what was happening to the losers. “Bob, Ah hate you.”
“I love you too.”
“Ah will make sure you have six cute mares tickling the hay out of you.”
“Okay.”
“Well, fair play, Bobby. Good luck against Ditzy. She’s still up and she’s the Snow War champion!”
About an hour passed when an announcement was made. “It’s the final two, Bob… the Human, he hasn’t given me a full name, and Ditzy D. Doo! Who will win!” Ditzy flew by and threw a snowball at me, only to somehow hit herself. She crashed into a wall and I immediately ran by to try and help her out. I soon found that the poor mare knocked herself out and left a dent in the wall after she hit herself with a snowball. So I picked her up bridal style and started carrying her towards where I thought everyone else was, which was near the town hall.
“So, did I win?” I asked, walking up to the town hall, Ditzy in my arms.
“You didn’t hurt her did you?” I pointed at the magical window that was actually broadcasting my every move to them.
“Did you not see her hit herself and crash into a wall?” I shifted Ditzy so her head was laying on my shoulder. “Plus Ditzy’s fucking adorable. I can’t bring myself to hurt her if I wanted to.” Ditzy started to stir, so I knelt down just in case she wanted to get out of my arms.
“Where… am I? Ditzy looked around, her cute little eyes widened when they locked on me, even if they were crossed the whole time.
“You knocked yourself out, so I’m carrying you.” Immediately, Ditzy nuzzled me, likely out of thanks before laying her head on my neck. I flinched when her snow drenched fur made contact with my uncovered neck.
“Thank you,” she whispered. Everyone in the crowd ‘awed’ at the sight, and a lot of them stopped looking at me with distaste, fear, or anything that could be translated into ‘we don’t want you here.’ So that’s cool. I started rubbing Ditzy’s back as she continued to get deeper and deeper into my grasp.
“Hey. I’m a good sport. If somebody gets themselves hurt, I ain’t leaving them behind; I’m making sure they get some medical attention if they need it. Head hurts? Headaches? Any pain at all?”
“Well… No. I’m just a little cold because the snow’s soaking into my coat. Your clothes are super warm…”
“So you just want to cuddle.”
“If you don’t mind.”
“Like hell I mind. Holding an extra fluffy, because winter coats, pony sounds fun right now.”
“Bob, it has been a little while, hasn’t it?” A certain big, white horse asked, walking up.
“We saw each other… two-ish weeks ago, your highness. Wanna hangout at some point? You and Luna are pretty chill once you got past your… distaste for me.”
Celestia nodded. “Of course. However, today, you’re to get an award for winning the Annual Ponyville Snow War.” A medal slipped around my neck. “It doesn’t mean much, but I don’t think you minded either. You had fun at least?”
“Yeah. Got to feel like I was in a war. As human beings, we love action. You know, be the hero, save the cute girl, or mare in this case, and win the battle. That fun stuff,” I patted Ditzy a couple more times. “I got to at least help the cute mare in this case.”
“And you pounded another in the face with their own, snow filled hat.” Celestia giggled.
“Hey, Apple Jack might be cute, but Ditzy is downright adorable. I’ve seen her a round a few times, and wanted to pet her for a while now.”
“What?” Ditzy pulled her head back.
“You know how I’m rubbing your back, Ditzy?” The mare nodded. “That means I’m petting you right now. You just look so fucking cute that I was hoping to at least pet you a bit. I hope we can be pals too, but I know how you ponies see humans; I get stink eyes everytime I’m seen.”
“I was hoping to meet you, too. I just assumed you hated ponies.”
“After you’ve probably seen me carry a colt around and blatantly, and jokingly, flirt with Twilight and her friends. And Venice. Though Venice is a special case. I don’t hate ponies at all. I just assume that you guys just don’t like me.”
Celestia cleared her throat. “I will send a letter to Twilight when I wish to meet up with you Bob. Ditzy, congratulations on second place, but I believe you know second place doesn’t really get you anything.”
“I don’t mind Princess. I had fun and that’s all that matters… I out flew THE Rainbow Dash! That’s an accomplishment in my books!” Ditzy did a cute little hoof pump. “And I suppose my prize is being held and cuddled by a human, so I don’t mind.” She was blushing slightly. “I… would bow, but I kinda… can’t move.”
Celestia noddrd. “I understand, my little pony. I shall return to Canterlot soon. I will see you when you deliver my mail again, Ditzy.” With that, Celestia flew off towards Twilight’s friends.
“So…” I patted Ditzty a couple more times. “You wanna move?”
“No. I thought you liked holding ponies.”
“I do. But I also like not sitting in snow.”
“We can… get more cuddly in my house.”
“That is the most generic way of asking me to sleep with you.”
“I-I know.” I chuckled.
“I’ll follow you home, but I won’t sleep with you. It’s for personal reasons.”
“That works. At least I can use you as a pillow.” I then followed Ditzy home and was used as a pillow.
The next day, after being allowed to leave, not like I was complaining, Ditzy(or Derpy, her nickname) was cute so I couldn’t really argue about leaving. But once I was allowed to leave, everyone in town wasn’t treating me with a stink eye when I passed by. Now they just spared me a glance and kept going about their day. A few kids even stopped by asking about how I destroyed everyone, including their local celebrity, Rainbow Dash, in the whole competition yesterday. So my only answer was:
I threw snow.
Yes, I am a very creative person. It’s why I’m making money off of somebody else’s inventions that I happened to be able to recreate.
I kept trudging on until Lyra and Bon Bon found me, both of whom looked a bit mad. “Bob! We could’ve had an alliance!”
“But it was the last man, or pony, standing. We woulda had to kill each other anyways. I bet you guys got far with the ice cream scoopers I shoehorned into snowball scoopers, right?”
“We did… how’d you even get into other ponies’ houses?”
“None of you lock your fucking windows apparently. I just tried to open a window, low and behold, it opened. And boom, I was in somebody’s house with a newfound ability to ambush just about anyone. I pelted Twilight a few times, I owe her an apology, Rainbow a belly rub for beating her in such a cheeky way, and I’m gonna go invent alcohol. So if I need to add you two to my list of ponies I need to apologize to, then I’m down.” I reached over and patted Lyra on the head, which made her gasp.
“Oh my Celestia! oh my Celestia! I got patted by the human!” Bon Bon started dragging Lyra away she was while waving to me, and congratulating me on my victory.
When I got to the library, I found six, well five(Fluttershy didn’t participate in the Snow Wars) cute mares glaring at me. “Bob,” Twilight got out of her seat and walked on over to me. The next thing I knew, she was on her hindlegs, my knees were starting to buckle under her weight, and she was staring into my soul. “The way you won yesterday wasn’t fair!”
“What were the rules then?”
“Be the last standing.” Twilight’s glare deepened and had the exact opposite effect. Despite her being able to magically dissolve me on a molecular level, it just made her cuter.
“Nothing about using alleyways or other people’s homes?”
“No. There was only one rule.”
“Ah man, and nobody thought to abuse that fact? I literally coulda dug a hole out and shove you guys in and leave you for the rest of the competition. That’s how broken only having one rule is; I could’ve abused it in some many ways. I coulda broken your knee caps and it woulda been allowed… until you realize that’s actually illegal.”
“I-I-” Twilight groaned. “You could’ve at least helped us! After Rarity got taken out by Ditzy, we all got split up while Rainbow tried to hunt her down. And Spike didn’t participate because he wanted hot chocolate… something he said you came up with.” Spike was sleeping in a dog bed nearby covered in chocolate.
“By the time you asked, I already made things to help other ponies make snowball makers, then I was told it was a battle royale type of thing. You’re just mad that I thought to abuse the single rule in the competition to absolutely kick your asses!” I patted Twilight on the head. “Now can you not put your full weight on my knees? That isn’t healthy for them in the long run, and I like having knees. It’s the top three for my favorite parts of my leg.”
Before Twilight could respond, I scooped her up, and sat down with the rest of the girls. “So I know Apple Jack and Rainbow has no hard feelings, especially after I pay Rainbow in pampering the shit out of her, so no hard feelings?” Twilight made an interesting noise while being scooped up and laid, belly up, in my lap
“You didn’t have to smash Apple Jack in the face with her own hat after filling it with snow.” Rarity said.
“It was funny though!”
AJ nodded. “Ah admit, it was pretty funny. Ah need to try that next year with Big Mac’s hat.”
“Anyone else?”
Rarity shook her head. “Well, you did win fair and square; though I think more rules will be put in place for dirty, conniving little human minds like yours.” She gave me a smug grin. “And I think Twilight agrees.” I looked down to see that Twilight was drooling and my hand had been idly rubbing her belly.
“Son of a bitch! This is my favorite sweater!”
“It’s your only sweater that you got yesterday.”
“It proves how good your work is.”
“Thank you!”
“Can I pet you now? I bet you’re as soft as Fluttershy!”
“No.” I slumped over slightly.
“The curses of a Man being in a Pony’s world!”
“Hey, he said the thing!” Pinkie said before staring off into some random wall, piercing it with her soul.
Author's Note
Rarity will be snuggled at some point.
View Online
I Met a Bughorse. I met Several, Actually, They’re lit.
So, because I hate myself, I decided to look for a spot just outside of Ponyville so I could go ahead and get a house built. Because at this point, I want my own home, and Ponies still sometimes give me weird looks. Even after proving that I’m not that bad of a person. Still bad, but not terrible. I wanted to move into the Everfree, but apparently it’s dangerous as all hell, and so it’s a bad idea to move there. Fortunately, I get to learn that the hard way by being chased out of the forest by a fucking manticore. My only regret is not being able to pet it.
It looked pettable, but it didn’t want to be pettable.
On the brightside, I ended up in a very different area than where I entered from, so that’s even better. I couldn’t even see Ponyville anymore.
Oh yeah, and there was some sorta bug horse sitting out in the field I just entered, and now we were staring at each other. I fully don’t understand why the fuck it was there. It looked… underfed at best, and I could kinda see its ribs. But that could because of the black chiton, which was meant to be form fitting; it is an animal’s, usually ones with a harder outer-layer, out-layer after all. I think it was a female judging from the it’s mane being as long as it is. And its more slender legs and mare-like facial strcuture. Its legs were riddled with holes, so was its hair and tail. What was interesting was that the mane and tail still held shape despite literally having holes in them. And then to top it all off, the bug horse was as tall as Celestia was and was wearing a crown behind a jagged, fucked up horn.
It was kinda cute.
“What in Tartarus are you? And what are you doing here?” It asked. Well, she. My earlier assessment of the mane was correct, Judging from the crown, she was at least a Princess.
“I am a human, the only one of my kind for that matter. I’m kinda lost. The heck are you? And what’s your name if you have one?”
“In your language, my name translates to Chrysalis, but that is Queen Chrysalis to you, human. I am a changeling, more specifically a queen. Though I am quite shocked; you haven’t run away at the sight of me… Why are you approaching? That is almost too close.”
“Hey, nothing says I can’t get close to you. We could be pals, we could not, but currently, I trust that you won’t immediately murder me, and I won’t try anything to you. And honestly I’m quite interested in what changelings are; there was no equivalent back home, after all.” I was now not even at arm’s reach from here. So if I wanted to, I could strangle that scrawny neck of Chrysalis’s, but I wasn’t going to. “It would also be easier to have a conversation without shouting at each other from across a field.
“I… you’re not wrong. Nor are you lying.”
“How can you tell?”
“We changelings can sense and feed off emotions. You show nothing but curiosity, and you lack the emotions most ponies would have when lying through their teeth. Perhaps…” Chrysalis sat on her rear. “I shall humor you and answer any questions that you may happen to have for me. I will also ask a few questions about yourself as I cannot deny my own curiosity. So, what is your name?”
“Bob.”
“What kind of cruel parents decided to name you Bob?”
“It’s just what I go by now; my old name’s even worse than that.”
“There is no way.”
“It was Kevin…” Chrysalis snorted to suppress a giggle. “Yeah, I know, my actual name is even more retarded than my current one. At least Bob is funny and unassuming. If you’re named Kevin, it’s immediately assumed that you’re either a basic bitch, or a stupid asshole. Both of which are not good things to be when your name happens to be Kevin.”
“I like you already. Before we begin, may I get a taste of some of your memories? I have not eaten in quite a bit, and I can sustain myself on memories if need be; they don’t taste as good, or as filling, as emotions such as love, but it would satiate my hunger for a bit. I promise I’ll only take your bad memories if you say yes. And this’ll guarantee that I’ll have something to eat and that I won’t harm you too badly.”
“Sure. A lady’s gotta eat right?” Chrysalis chuckled behind a hoof before going in to feast. Sure enough, my head felt funny and I felt a little odd, but I wasn’t sick or anything. I felt high off my ass.
“My my… Your memories are just as filling and flavorful as the actual emotions they’re supposed to emulate!” Chrysalis raised her hoof to her mouth; it was cute. “My apologies if you’ve any strange feelings after being fed upon. I was merely desperate for food and could not help myself at how bountiful you are as a food source.” I raised my hand up to her and she raised an eyebrow. “If you touch me, you will lose that hand.” Her eyes narrowed at the offer hand.
“But you look so pettable.”
“I am more than a simple pet, Bob.”
“I petted Princess Celestia once. Even rubbed her belly for a bit. And I’d say she’s more than a simple pet.”
“So?” I extended my hand and turned my gaze to the ground. What? It worked on Toothless, it might work on Chrysalis. Their names rhyme at least, so surely it would work the same for two different creatures. The next thing I knew, I had Chrysalis’s snout buried in my palm and was licking my hand with a very snake-like tongue.
“You know, if you are dumb enough, or brave enough, to turn your gaze away from a predator, then I suppose I shall humor you…” My hand slipped to her neck and immediately started scratching at it. “Oh my…” Chrysalis sighed in contempt. “You know what, Bob?” The bug horse moved her head to give me better access to her neck. “I like you a lot. So I shall allow you to keep scratching my neck because it feels nice. And I’m certain my carapace feels nice to your bare paws.”
“It’s cool to the touch… yet somehow pretty soft. It’s really satisfying, honestly. Why the fuck is everything so fucking pettable and cute, but smart enough to deny pets?”
“I’m cute?” Chrysalis asked, cocking her head. It made her look cuter than she is..
“Yeah. You have no right in being as cute as you are; you’re a fucking bug horse… Why the hell are you out in the snow anyways? Wouldn’t it be bad for you since you’re not warm blooded?”
“Sometimes I… like to walk around in the cold? It feels nice sometimes when there isn’t too strong of a breeze. And I can still move; I am only partially a bug. I share more characteristics with you mammals than I do bugs.” Chrysalis disengaged to turn and look around the little field we were in.
“Eh, fair enough. Though, you’ve made one mistake, Queen Chrysalis.” I got ready to pounce on the bug horse as she was facing away from me.
“And that is? I’m an apex predator; nothing will dare to attack me.”
“You know… we humans eat meat, like just about anything. Deer, horses…” Chrysalis raised an eyebrow and only swiveled her head towards me. Still, her back was to me. “Changelings.” The Queen squawked when I pounced. We went tumbling into a mass of changeling and humans, at first Chrysalis was actually growling until she realized I wasn’t actually trying to kill her, so we just started rolling around in the snow until I actually pinned a very giggly bug horse down. “Gotcha!” I chuckled and then stopped. Chrysalis was giggling even harder and it was actually really fucking cute.
Criminally so.
“You also made a mistake, my little human…” Chrysalis’s horn lit up and suddenly she was pinning me down. “I have magic…” She lowered her head and made like she was gonna bite me, only to then just start tickling the hell out of me with her snout and tongue. After a few moments of making me squirm, and a moment away from pissing myself, the bug graciously stopped before laying on top of me. Thankfully, despite the size difference, Chrysalis really wasn’t much heavier than Twilight, and Twilight somehow wasn’t heavier than a german shepherd.
So it wasn’t fun, but it didn’t hurt to be crushed by Chrysalis.
“You know, Bob, I must say, I did enjoy meeting you; it’s not everyday where a lady, a predator such as myself, can relax and wrestle with somebody. I hope we do meet again, which we likely will. If you wish to just meet me again, come to this field again and I will likely come to meet you. Do you need help going to the nearest pony settlement? I can direct you to the safest path to it.”
“How’d you know I was living in a pony town?”
“You’ve spoken with, and have definitely interacted with Princess Celestia; you’ve apparently rubbed her belly. It’s not hard to discern where you typically would live from there.
“Fuck… You are scarily smart and observant.” That got a smirk out of the queen. So I had a really dumb fuck idea. As soon as the bug rolled off of me, I wrapped my arms around her neck and started hugging her. “You’re probably the coolest thing I’ve met. Sure, ponies are nice and all, but so far, you’re the only thing to not look at me with immediate disgust. Or at the very least, you have the decency to hide it until we’ve properly interacted.”
“And you’re the only creature to have the balls to actually try to wrestle with me and not treat me like a Queen. I like that. You know what? To you, I am not Queen Chrysalis, simply call me Chrysalis.” Chrysalis actually returned the hug and nuzzled into my cheek as we continued on just laying there.
“Neato. So didn’t you say you have somewhere to be?”
“I did, unfortunately. I hope we meet again; I would not mind some more ear scratching. Those paws of yours are quite lovely.”
“Who knows? Maybe next time I can give you a massage.”
“That… would actually be nice. Now,” Chrysalis turned into a giant fucking eagle after bursting into green flames. “Hop on, I shall take you to the nearest settlement, which should be Ponyville.”
“Holy… fucking… shit. You can just do that?”
“Yes. I believe the name for my species would make that obvious, no?”
“You right,” I hopped on Chrysalis’s back. “Don’t make it any less cool, now does it? As far as I’m concerned, that’s sick as fuck.”
“I… I’m not sick,” Chrysalis said as she took to the air.
“It’s a figure of speech; means it’s awesome. We humans would love to be able to change shape and form at any time we want… though we’d also hate shapeshifters because of how scary those can be. Though to me, you are the coolest fucking thing I’ve seen. Period. And I come from a world where you can instantly communicate with somebody on the opposite side of the earth.” We then landed just on the outskirts of Ponyville, which didn’t even seem like half a mile from where we were… You gotta be fucking with me.
Chrysalis simply gave me an avian smirk, turned her head back to its natural form to nuzzle me, before flying off into the distance…
Fucking christ, that woman is needlessly cool.
“Bob!” Twilight tackled me. “What the hay were you doing riding that giant bird? Are you crazy?” Twilight sounded like my mother if my mother actually cared about my well being.
“I got lost somewhere and made friends with it. We humans are pack creatures, and we will bond with anything. That bird was really cool, and pretty friendly, so it gave me a ride back after I petted it for about half an hour.” I figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to let ponies know about Chrysalis; she apparently was a predator, and ponies were prey animals. So it was probably best not to even say that bird was a changeling.
“So… you weren’t in danger?”
“Twilight, we humans have made friends with wolves nearly about ten thousand years ago, maybe thirty thousand… Speaking of which, now I want to go get a wolf, or a dog. Ooo, maybe a wolfdog, I’ve always wanted one of those after watching Balto.”
“Bob… the buck are you talking about?”
“I wanna get a pet. But also, I wanna go get a house built.”
“Oh! We’re just outside of Fluttershy’s home! I bet we can get you a pet of some sort!”
“Oh shit, really?”
“Yeah! Feeding any animal won’t be an issue will it?”
“Twilight, I have two inventions, four more going to market, and Fluttershy is probably willing to help me with obtaining food for whatever I want as a pet. Plus, I’ll be out of your library, and in your house eventually, so room won’t be an issue.” Twilight’s ears drooped. “Yeah… I know, you want me to stay in the library because we’re friends, right?” Twilight’s cheeks were now pink. We started walking towards… fuck, Fluttershy’s cottage really is just there. That’s cool. “Look, we’ll still be friends if I move out. I just want a place in my home, and I don’t want to be a burden on you.”
“I know, and you aren’t a burden. It’s just nice to have you around the house; I finally have somepony that’s pretty smart to ‘egghead out’ with whenever we experiment something, test out one of your inventions like ball point pens, or ‘spinning fans’. Even if the things we are knowledgeable in are very different. You’re the only pony to understand my graphs when I show you them!”
“Hey now, nobody’s truly stupid, Twilight. Apple Jack knows farming apples, Rainbow knows how to be street smart. We all just have different skill sets. I don’t think reading graphs is in the average pony’s skill set. I can go on all day about some human science or invention that I’ve made; like something that helps with farming, but I wouldn’t know a damn thing about magic simply because my human brain cannot find any logic behind it.”
“That… I might have a letter to send to Celestia later! Thank you, Bob!” Twilight hopped on my back and just hugged me the whole time until we got to Fluttershy’s door.
“Yo Fluttershy! Did that big bird scare the hell out of you?” Twilight glared at me, but Fluttershy made a whimper from the other side of the door, so I assume that was a yes. “Well, I have a question.” The door opened to give the world a view of a shivering-in-fear Fluttershy. “I wanna get a dog, or a wolf. Preferably a wolf; they’re fucking cool. Do you happen to have any? Having a pet would be really nice. And if not, it’s cool. I can just go into the Everfree and snag one of those wooden wolves. Their pups are pretty cute.”
“I-I don’t have any wolves or dogs at the moment. If I can find any, I can try and get it to you!” Fluttershy clapped her hooves. “But do you want a different kind of animal as a pet? I’m certain a bunny would be nice to have.”
“Nah. I’m good. Though thanks for the offer,” I patted the pegasus on the head. “If it wouldn’t be weird, I’d probably say Twilight’s my pet; legally I’m hers, so it’s only fair. I do pet her and occasionally make sure she eats food while she’s studying something.”
“Bob! I’m not an animal!”
“Yes you are. Humans are animals too. You’re smarter, far smarter than the average animal, but biologically speaking, you are a miniature horse.”
“Buck you!” Fluttershy, realizing we were just gonna begin playfully bickering, closed the door before leaving us to yell at each other. On the way, everyone was just watching us playfully go at each other, calling each other insults(something Twilight realized humans do to each other if they’re friends), me holding an apple out of her reach(she didn’t immediately try to grab it with her magic), and overall just joking around. Low and behold, it ended with us in the library, and just cuddling together.
The next day, I went out to that same field I first found Chryssy in, and Chrysalis wasn’t too late in returning either. “You’ve returned rather quickly.”
“Well, I just wanted to see if you’d actually come back.”
“I said I would, and you are a friend of mine. So of course I would jump at the opportunity to see you again. So, why were you out in this field to begin with?”
“I was looking for somewhere to build a house. I like living in Ponyville, but I also like not having, on a weekly basis, a monster destroying town. Or the town nearly burning down because one of my inventions got out to the public before I could put them into mass production. Like I made a bean bag, which is literally just a really fancy cushion, and half of Ponyville went wild and literally burnt down a school over it. Plus not being stared at would be fun.”
“Hmm. I have a solution. DRONES!” six dozen drones came out of nowhere. “Build a house in this field, for this pony, no, you cannot eat him, Kevin!” Chrysalis chuckled. “They didn’t say that; they can actually speak and are intelligent. I just like assuming they said something to tease them; they are my children after all.”
“Wait, you’re actually building me… a house, using your subjects.”
“Yes. I help my friends and return any kindness shown my way. Secondly, visiting you would be easier; ponies don’t like changelings as far as I’m aware. Once your home is built, I will lend you a changeling. It shall be built by the end of today.”
“What?”
“We changelings are incredibly efficient. Your home will have lighting, a pool, both of which will be warmed up by changeling magic.”
“Wait, so if you can use magic as a power source, why don’t ponies do that?”
“You think I know? Changeling magic is purely fueled off of love, whereas ponies require to use their own energy for magic, so that may have to do with it. Your home may eat up into my reserves, but I have a pretty large chunk of love that I can spare for you, and a potential solution for that in the future. And if nothing else, I get a nice summer home should I desire to use it and you don’t.”
“...Is it too late to kiss you?”
“If you did, you’d fatten me up with love so quickly that you’d make my drones jealous.”
“I can hug your changelings.”
“That… would also feed them with love. Magically taking love is… more effective, but we can passively intake love through physical contact. So you kissing or hugging me or a drone would feed us without hurting you.”
“So… If I were to...” I kissed Chrysalis and she burped. “Oh my fucking god, that was so cute!”
“I hate you,” Chrysalis belched again. “Now I have hiccups and will be belching for the next hour,” with that, I went and hugged and petted every single changeling, and all of them burped, which was probably a sign that they were just fully fed. Eventually, I even grabbed a changeling, laid it out in my lap, and started petting it while the others got to work. “So Bob,” Chrysalis hicked. “Is there anything in particular you want in your home?”
“A basement would be nice. Gotta hide dead bodies somehow.” Chrysalis, and several drones actually cracked a laugh.
“Though that will be added, for body hiding purposes, or other uses you may want to use a basement for. Nothing else?”
“Do I have to pay you guys? I will if necessary.”
“We don’t need money; you don’t need money if your entire economy is based on food, which is love. And you just fed all of us,” the changeling in my lap said. “And you’re constantly petting me, sir. Are you trying to make me fat?”
“It’s not my fault that you’re fucking cute… you got a name right?”
“My name is Gengar, sir.”
“Well, Gengar, you’re adorable. Do I need anymore of a reason to pet you?”
“I…” Awe, he’s blushing!
“D’aww, you’re so cute!” Gengar was blushing even fucking harder now. “Can I keep you? I wouldn’t mind keeping a changeling if all I gotta do is love the hell out of them.”
“If the Queen lets you keep me, I would not mind… being constantly fed would be nice.”
“Well Gengar, you are now Bob’s changeling. You are still a part of the Hive, but Bob is your caretaker. Enjoy! Though just remember, if I desire Bob’s attention, I take priority over you.”
“Of course, your Highness.”
So that’s how I spent the rest of the day, with a changeling in my lap, just watching my house be built. At some point, Gengar learnt of my desire to have a pet wolf, and became one for a little bit just to see if that would please me. It did the job. Like he became a fluffy gray wolf and just let me pet him more, with the promise of finding me a proper gray wolf in the future should I want it. Of course, I said I would, and then started rubbing Gengar’s belly.
That broke his focus, and by extension, his disguise. So changelings needed to be focused to keep a disguise, good to know! And changelings are even bigger sluts for belly rubs than ponies are apparently.
“So Bob,” I looked up from Gengar, who was curled up in my lap and looking cute. “How do you like your new home?” I looked up and my jaw dropped. Sitting before me was a house that I’d typically see in Ponyville, but with a black, main body and a fenced in front yard. “In the basement is another room with the pool in it. It has magic fueling it,” there were street lamps that looked eerily similar to actual, human street lamps. “Lighting, heating; it should always be perfectly warm, without it being too hot or too cold… So again, how do you like your new house?”
I carefully set aside my sleeping changeling before standing up and stared Chrysalis directly in the eyes. “Chrysalis...” I started slightly walking up to the bug until I was right in her face.
“Bob? You are scaring me- oh!” I pulled Chrysalis into a hug. That got a cute noise outta her. I flopped us both onto the ground and kept on hugging her. “So… Do you like your house?”
“Chrysalis, you need to let me pay you money. Like jesus fucking christ, Chrysalis! This is probably the nicest thing anybody’s done for me!”
“Well, you did just pay everybody here with love, Bob. Trust me when I say that you’ve paid me, and my drones already.”
“Fuck… Now you make me wish changelings found me instead of ponies. Y’all are fucking awesome…” I kept holding Chrysalis until eventually I was toured the house by her and her ‘lings… Needless to say, the house was cooler on the inside, with it having furniture and everything… I slowly turned to Chrysalis when I noticed that my bed was probably the comfiest bed I’ve had beside my bean bag. “Chrysalis, I am sending you, and your entire Hive, bean bags. You will know comfort like no other… and it’ll help me pay this off; I feel like I’m in debt to you even if you say I’m not.” Chrysalis just giggled.
“Well, I would not be opposed to being given free things, Bob. I’m glad you enjoy your house!” Chrysalis planted a kiss on my forehead before prancing out, followed by her drones that were equally as happy.
“Sir, I think you made the Queen fall in love with you at some point,” Gengar said from his recliner(yes, he got his own chair). “The last time anyling’s seen the Queen prance, or even be happy, was when she fell in love with someling nearly a hundred years ago…”
“...Shit. Well, if I end up dating ponies, Chrysalis wouldn’t be so bad.”
Author's Note
bug horses best horses.
It’s Illegal to Get a Horse Drunk in Ohio.
Author's Note
Just a trigger warning, there is a rape scene later in this chapter. It doesn’t go into detail at all, but it is there. I will leave a warning for when it crops up.
It’s Illegal to Get a Horse Drunk in Ohio.
“What the buck do you mean that you manage to build a house on your own? It’s the middle of bucking winter! ” Needless to say, Twilight was very excited to hear about how I finally got a house of my own. “First, you don’t have anything to cut trees down to build a house, next, you don’t have a bucking tool box! You have a fully furnished home, a pet rock, and a Celestia-damned kitchen, plumbing, everything under the bucking Sun, and you mean to tell me you built this house in less than a bucking day?” Twilight was panting after a very long, colorful rant about how she wasn’t mad about me moving out of her home, and was very happy for me.
Her friends agreed; it’s why they’re outside shivering in fucking fear of the happiest, purple unicorn of all time. “Yeah. I had some help from a few friends; I told them I needed a house and they delivered after getting paid. I didn’t expect them to be this quick, or efficient though.” I sunk into the bean-bag mattress. Because my stupid creation became industry leading or whatever for comfort, and now everyone wants it as a chair, a cushion, a bed, your back up bed, your back up chair, your reading chair. Your sex doll of Luna-yes that exists for some fucking reason.
‘And why didn’t you tell me until yesterday that you moved out? I couldn’t even bucking tell! I was even worried about you when you didn’t come home last night.” In all fairness, Twilight, I had a very cute changeling that demanded my attention. No, I didn’t say that out loud purely because I don’t want Twilight to know that I am friends with the bug horse. Twilight got done shoving her hoof into my very purple stomach(I was now more purple than Twilight!) before I was instantly healed. “Sorry about that, Bob. It's just that… I was genuinely worried when you didn’t show up, and then you come and tell me that you have a house all of a sudden.”
“I get it. I probably shoulda told you yesterday, but you saw how close this place was to the Everfree Forest. It’s not smart to be out and about that close, even for a human.”
“Then why’d you choose this spot?”
“So ponies can’t stare at me the moment I walk out of my place of residency. No offense to you, Twi, but ponies are fucking racist. Do you know how many ponies try to pet me when I’m out and about? You ponies like petting, but we humans don’t. Hell, they try to pet me and talk to me like I’m a fucking dog! And that’s with Celestia and Luna claiming that they’re trying to legally make sure I’m not a dog, and instead an Equestrian citizen after I sent them some inventions to give them the okay. And no, this doesn’t mean I hate you, or your friends. Hell, y’all are good people even if you’re a bit childish at times, but I can’t really judge y’all on that…”
I looked over at the window to see a pink blob hard pressed into it. “And yes Pinkie, I see you trying to listen in through the window with a paper cup. We can have sleepovers whenever you girls want.” The sound of confetti, and general Pinkie noises were made, Pinkie noises of happiness. I walked on over to the door and opened it. “C’mon in guys, Twilight’s blown her whistle, and I bet it’s cold out there.”
“Well, pegasi are naturally resistant to the cold, and earth ponies are used to it. But it is far too cold lady such as myself…” Rarity looked around. “This is quite the cozy little home, Bob. I suppose you don’t have… anypony to get cozy with yet, do you? Perhaps Venice… or Twilight would do.”
“First of Rarity, stop trying to stick your nose up my ass. Secondly, I don’t think I’ll be dating any ponies for a fucking minute; I wanna get situated first before I can even begin to think about dating, dating ponies, or overall just having a relationship… and I love Twilight, and Venice is fucking awesome. I can tell they’re pretty even if I’m not a pony, though I do prefer how Venice looks purely because of the coloration of her coat and mane, but I don’t think I can be romantically, or even sexually involved with them. I’m not a pony, I can’t consider them attractive, and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone I can’t give my all to purely because I can’t feel a certain way about them.”
“I-i huh? That…” Rarity sputtered.
“Ah’d say yer a good stallion, Bob. Ah sure wouldn’t mind having a relationship with you if you were down for it, but those are good morals to stand by. But I’d like you to give your real name before we can even get to that point.”
“Meh, you like your farm too much. I can’t make you choose between that or living here with me, because I hate farming.”
“Again, yer a good stallion, Bob. Though just because you are out here doesn’t mean Ah won’t come down to cash in one of those belly rub tickets.”
“I didn’t…”
“But Princess Celestia and Luna sent them to the six of us in the mail! Not through Spike for some reason, and it says we can only make you pet us if we give you one of these tickets…” Twilight pulled out one of those tickets. I snatched it and noticed the fine print stating that I was now Celestia’s property… Fucking dammit. “And it goes both ways apparently. You can’t pet us without one of those tickets.” I handed the letter back.
“Hold on guys, I’m gonna write a kindly written letter to Celestia about something…” I walked over to a desk in the corner and grabbed a ball-point pen prototype that I made. Yes, there are actual pens on the market, but this one looks cool because it’s made of wood with golden trims from melted down bits… because I’m actually rolling in bits to the point that it’s ridiculous. So I began writing a letter down while speaking loud enough for the ponies in the room to hear what I’m writing.”
“Deer, Princess Celestia.” Yes, Deer. Celestia gets triggered over improper grammar due to her teacher background or something. “I would like to ask why you made me your property instead of making me a citizen of Equestria. Also, stop being a bitch and keeping me from petting your little ponies. Approximately nine of them would get mad, especially since three of them didn’t get any tickets saying that I can pet them. If you do not respond to this letter, you’re a ho, a whole bitch, and an asshat. Also, why did the fine print say Luna is not allowed to request pets? Lastly, fuck you. Love, Bob, your favorite, polite, and caring human. P.S, fuck you, Luna.”
Twilight and her friends made several interesting noises, such as gawking, squawking, screaming, and panic as I shouted to the heavens for Ditzy. I opened the door, and the mare in question walked in… wearing the cutest little outfit ever! I know it’s her work uniform, but the little mailman hat and saddle bags were so fucking cute. It also didn’t help that Ditzy was just adorable on her own. “Send this to Princess Celestia at your own digression. Feel free to flee the palace as quickly as possible after handing it to her. Trust me, you’ll want to.”
“You got it Bob!! Can I come over later and use you as a pillow later? You’re really comfy.” I nodded, which ended up with Ditzy rubbing up against me like a cat, before zooming off at a speed that made Rainbow Dash squawk… Well, it woulda, but Rainbow was already head deep in one of my cabinets and crawled out with a bottle in her mouth… It was the fucking vodka that I made and was waiting to see if I could sell it after sending a bottle to Celestia.
“Rainbow, don’t-”
Rainbow drained the whole fucking bottle. Dammit! I needed that for Hearth’s Warming Eve. “Gah! That stuff taste awful…” she slurred. “Why do you even have that stuff?” She stumbled away from the kitchen, just to faceplant in the wall a couple of times, before she finally made it back into the living room. “Like Bob, that should…”
“That was alcohol. I wasn’t joking when I said I would try to invent some kinda alcohol. First off, what kinda manners did you grow up with? What made you think going through another man’s kitchen is a good idea? And why the fuck, did you drink from a bottle that litterally had a label that reads ‘do not drink or I will send you to Jesus?”
“Who… da hae is Jezus?” Rainbow slurred.
“Aight, you’re lucky I have a guest room. Twilight, tie Rainbow Dash to the couch. I’m getting a bucket of water. Whatever the fuck you do, do not let Rainbow-” Rainbow Dash was gone. “Out of the fucking house! God fucking dammit guys!”
“Everypony in here, except you, are girls.”
“Twilight, now is not teh fucking time for sass. Rainbow Dash is drunk, usually when humans are drunk, they do incredibly retarded, dumbfuck things that end up hurting other people. Now, just imagine how that will go for a pony that can break the fucking sound barrier . Don’t even take into account that you fuckin’ ponies are physically stronger than humans even if you guys don’t think it. Oh yeah! And Rainbow can fucking fly! You guys consider Ditzy a safety hazard due to how clumsy she can be, right?” Everyone in the room nodded. “Take that and multiply it by fucking cancer.” Everyone blinked. “That’s a human disease that’s pretty much guaranteed to kill whoever gets it… that’s not even the god damn point. My point is, we should go catch Rainbow before she ends up doing a Double Rainboom and getting her ass tugged into another dimension while drunk.”
With that, we were out the door, Apple Jack ran off to go get some rope, while the rest of us split up to go find Rainbow Dash. I assume it wouldn’t take that long since Pinkie just has a way of keeping up with the fastest thing on the planet, and also perfectly tracking said fastest thing alive while not even being able to fly. It was kinda impressive, kinda scary, and I don’t want to get on Pinkie’s bad side… She found out what my birthday was when I never told anybody. I’ll get a cool party out of it, but the fact that she found that out without even being told it is fucking scary.
Anyways, I found Rainbow Dash cuddling with a fucking log on the ground. How did a log manage to make its way all the way to the middle of Ponyville? Fuck if I know. But what I do know is that there was a log, and it had a knocked out Rainbow Dash hugging it. It was kinda cute, but I needed to make sure Dashie’s little hangover goes over smoothly, so I picked her up(Rainbow was the heaviest of her friends somehow. Probably pure muscle). I rested her head on my neck and started carrying her back home… How the hell do I tell everyone else that I found Rainbow Dash? I didn’t exactly tell them when they should reconvene.
Well, now I was getting a fuckload of looks from everyone, because it probably looked like I was kidnapping their local hero. In fact, I think a stallion was getting ready to square me up, so I just kept on walking. I wasn’t looking to fight a stallion; I’d get my shit kicked in. However, I could just kick the fucker in the dick, and it wouldn’t matter how physically weak I am; that would hurt like hell. Well, if I kick him in the dick, he won’t be a fucker anymore, he’ll be the fuckee, but those are minor details. Eitherway, Rainbow took priority, so I did the most physically demanding thing I could:
Speed Walking.
Anyways, I got to Twilight’s home, where everyone apparently decided to meet up. “Yo, I found Rainbow Dash. Twilight, you think you can get Rainbow a few buckets of water for when she wakes up? If you don’t, this little lady will have a fucking massive headache. So it might teach her not to drink random shit in my cabinet, especially not in fancy glass bottles that I made for holding vodka, so if you don’t got water for her, whatever. However, I don’t want Rainbow feeling the blunt of her first hangover; those fucking suck.
“What did Rainbow even drink?”
“A human adult sleepy drink. Usually it makes whoever drinks it drowsier, more willing to say what’s on their mind, and can knock you the fuck out or possibly kill you. In other words, great for parties if it’s managed properly. No Pinkie, I am not making you vodka for parties; Celestia has to give the okay before I can even give anyone the recipe for this shit and you can see why,” I patted Rainbow on the back. “And I heard jokes that the stuff that Rainbow drank is technically poison, which it kinda is. You need a fuck ton of it to kill somebody, but what Rainbow drunk shouldn’t be lethal at all.”
“So once again, don’t let Rainbow loose in your home?” Twilight asked.
“Essentially. I’m not joking about that water by the way. Get her into my old bed, have a lot of water on standby. I know Rainbow done fucked up, but she doesn’t need to feel the worse headache known to man aside from when Justin Bieber started his singing career.”
“Who dat?” Apple Jack asked as she walked over to retrieve the drunk as fuck cyan pony in my arms.
“A human singer that made the most generic, mediocre love songs that got lucky as fuck and got popular. Nobody really likes him except for teenage girls who need to feel loved. So they play his music to do so.” I laid a Rainbow on Apple Jack’s back. “Just imagine lyrics like ‘I love how your torso has an arm on either side’ or ‘I love your blueish, brownish, greenish, reddish eyes.’ that’s basically a Justin Bieber song.”
“Ah… how do human females feel loved from that?”
“A lot of mental health issues that humanity doesn’t know how to address. Anyways, take care of Rainbow. I would, but I’m probably gonna get some guests over tonight, and I don’t need them thinking I killed somebody.”
“Who are your special guests?”
“Well, judging from the letter I sent earlier, probably Celestia or Luna. If not them, then somebody else I can’t talk about.”
“Who?” Rarity slammed her hooves in front of me.
“I’m having an affair with a Bigfoot. She’s got some huge fucking tits.”
“What in the hay is a Bigfoot?” Twilight asked. I simply put a finger to my lips and shook my head. Twilight got the message and actually went along with it. Smart mare. “Ah! Congratulations, Bob! I hope you and your new special somepony will get married soon.”
“I. Need. To. Find. This. Bigfoot!” Rarity was off in a flash.
“Anyways, I’m not having an affair with anyone; Bigfoot isn’t real… I think. Given how unicorns are real, when they weren’t back at home by the way, I wouldn’t be surprised if a Sasquatch was real.”
“Oh I know those! They’ve got a kingdom somewhere south of here!” Twilight did a cute little hoof wave. So logically, I walked over, booped her on the nose, and hugged her.
“I’ll probably stop by to drop your Christmas present off ahead of time; it’s big and hard to carry. And to check on Rainbow Dash. Or just stop by to cuddle with you or show you a human invention. Whichever you wanna do at the moment when I come in tomorrow. If I don’t, just know that I made more vodka and got smashed.”
“It’s going to be weird to not have you in my basement…” Twilight whispered. “But I understand why you wanted to move out. Don’t forget us, alright?”
“And miss out on squishing your cheeks?” I did just that. “Seriously, you’re genuinely one of my best friends, Twilight. If we drift apart, that just happens; it’s how friendship works. However, I will happily spare some time for you guys if you want my time.” I let go of Twilight only to be pulled into a group hug. After Apple Jack came back down from putting up Rainbow, she joined in. “Y’all are fucking awesome. Except Rarity; she’s off to find Bigfoot like a toot… and she won’t let me pet her; that’s a crime. Love y’all; feel free to stop by sometime. I’m working on a way to recreate ice cream sandwiches, and I bet you’d all love that.”
With that, I was allowed to go after giving every pony in the room a scratch and a pat. Oh, and Spike asked to try out petting, so I didn’t leave a bro hanging. We really didn’t interact much, but I was hoping to change that soon. Spike’s a good kid and the universe seems to fucking hate him, so it’s only fair that I’m nice to him… Spike likes belly rubs more than Twilight does. How that’s possible, I don’t fucking know. God damn Spike’s little giggles were cute.
Anyways, I made it back home and started playing with Gengar again; he’s a lot like a very intelligent child. Like he’ll act like a dog one moment, and then literally help me with scientific experiments after I explain the science behind that experiment. In other words, I wouldn’t want to treat Gengar like a pet, but he says he doesn’t mind. So I just treat him however he’s feeling on any particular day. Today, he just wanted to be a cute little kitten and bat at some string I was dangling over him…
Eventually a knock at the door ruined our cute little moment, so I carried Gengar off to put him to bed and tuck him in. Because he just likes that, and he’s too cute to deny that to, and even kissed him goodnight just to make sure he remains fed. “Why the fuck are you ‘lings so cute? Y’all are cuter than ponies.”
“Well sir, to ponies, we would be horrifying. Why are you rubbing my chin? I’m not complaining, because it feels nice, but why?”
“You’re cute, that’s why.” Now Gengar was blushing. “Love ya, Bug, yes I know, you love that creative nickname… If it’s Luna or Celestia, turn into a rock and pretend to be a pet rock for a while. If it’s Chryssy, keep being cute, and stay out of the way so she doesn’t castrate you for being cute.”
“Got it, sir. Goodnight.”
I booped him on the nose before going downstairs… “Luna, why are you in my house when I didn’t even let you in?”
“Well, you weren’t answering it, so I let myself in.”
“Why are you wearing lingerie?”
“You said ‘fuck you, Luna’ in your letter. So I came to deliver.”
Wot?
(here is your warning.)
The next thing I knew, my clothes were gone and Luna was on me. A solid half hour later, I was laying on the floor, Luna was long gone, and I was balling my eyes out. What the actual fuck just happened? I shivered and couldn’t sleep. I felt nasty and sticky, but I just couldn’t bring myself to get up and go shower. Gengar found me, claiming to hear me screaming half an hour ago, but didn’t come down because he thought Luna was here… he bathed me, reclothed me, and cleaned up the mess in my living room.
(you can keep reading from here.)
“Sir, are you okay?” Gengar laid a hoof on me after laying me in my bed. “You… look and taste traumatized, sir. But you smell of sex; did Princess Luna…” I nodded. “Sweet Chrysalis… Do you need me to get Chrysalis, or somebody to comfort you?” Before either of us could reply, we heard the door open, and soon the big bug in question came in wearing a cute little beanie. If it weren’t for me being in mental ruin, I woulda commented on that and squished Chrysalis’s cheeks.
“Oh Bob!” Chrysalis walked in my room, how she got in, I won’t question it; I won’t complain either… “Gengar, why are you holding Bob? And why is he crying?” Chrysalis took a whiff of the air. “And why does the living room reek of alicorn?”
“Your Highness,” Gengar bowed. “Princess Luna was here recently… she forced herself upon Bob and I found him like this.”
“I… Oh. What in Tartarus is wrong with that fucking whore?” Chrysalis growled before recomposing herself. “Gengar, you may remain to comfort Bob.” The bug hopped on my bed and curled herself protectively over me. “I know you aren’t feeling okay, but do you fully mind me being here? I know… that such an experience is traumatic.”
“I…” I have to admit, Chrysalis feels really comfortable, and she made me feel… safe after what had just occurred. Plus with Gengar here, there’s no way she’d actually do anything to me. “If it wouldn’t be a bother, I’d like you to stay here,” I laid my head on Chrysalis's forelegs. “Just… Please don’t leave me alone; I don’t wanna be alone if Luna comes back.”
“If that wretch returns, I will personally slit her throat. I know she must be archaic in her ways; she was banished to the moon for a millennium afterall, but that does not excuse what happen to you tonight. And that’s coming from me, who once knew the Royal Sisters and considered them friends…” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “Take all the time you need, Bob. Myself and Gengar shall care for you…” Several more changelings appeared. “Gengar, did you let the Hive Mind know what happened?”
“Yes ma'am. These are the same drones that helped in the construction of Bob’s house; they all claim to like Bob since he fed them all. What better for comfort than a bunch of us being cuddle bugs?” Chrysalis hummed. “I don’t think Bob would complain.”
“I wouldn’t mind… any company would be nice right now, even if I would like to be left alone; I need the sunshine and the rain if I want to recover.”
“And we shall deliver on helping you feel better, Bob. You fed us and you’ve earned our loyalty because of that.” With that, I was laying in a pile of snuggle bugs and felt… safe. Chrysalis made sure to shower me in kisses and all sorts of things throughout the rest of the night. She thought it would help me sleep, but it soon became apparent to her that I wouldn’t be able to sleep.
“One of you, go hunt something down and return… we shall make a breakfast fit for a king. That would help you, right Bob?”
“I just want to lay here, Chryssy,” Chrysalis blushed at her new nickname. “But… I wouldn’t complain about having some breakfast. You changelings, I cannot stress this enough, are amazing.”
“Of course we are; you said we’re ‘awesome’ after all.”
“That I did.” I leaned into Chrysalis while she ran her teeth through my hair to groom me.
Author's Note
disclaimer: I am not a therapist, do not follow any of the advice from these ‘therapy sessions’ if there is any. I’ll mostly just brush past those so I don’t give out shitty advice.
Seeking Help
After a little while, Chrysalis and her changelings left except for Gengar. The changeling in question sat beside me on the couch, and smartly did not lay on my lap. “Do… you wish to talk about it, Bob,” Gengar asked, placing a hoof on my shoulder. “I know that… you might be unwilling, but talking about what happened might actually make you feel better.” I shook my head. What was worrying, even after all the comfort and care that was provided to me, I felt… empty. It’s not a feeling I’ve felt in a long time, but this time I’ve nothing to distract myself with. My breakfast, which smelled amazing, left mostly untouched on the coffee table.
“Sir, you need to eat, I know you likely aren’t-”
“Gengar, I’m not feeling hungry right now. If you wanna, you can go back to Chrysalis; I won’t blame you. I’m not gonna be a very good source of emotions, unless depression tastes good to you.”
“It’s poisonous to changelings sir…” The changeling nuzzled me. “And while you may not be a good source of food for me anymore, I will not leave you alone. The last thing you need is to be alone, sir. We changelings have an innate ability to feel how others are feeling… and you feel like a void right now sir. After what has happened to you, I do not blame you. And you should not blame yourself for what happened… if I get my hooves on that bitch, I will make her suffer for ruining you, Bob.”
“Don’t even try it, Gengar. I brought what happened onto myself. It wouldn’t have gone on for as long as it did if I hadn’t been a bitch and froze up. Plus, what can we do? Luna’s a fucking alicorn, those are apparently super strong, and she’s a god damn Princess. We can’t do anything legally to her, and we can’t do anything to her physically unless we wanna kill her in her sleep. And… I don’t even think we can get away with that. Let’s just drop it.”
“Okay sir… want to try and experiment with making ice cream sandwiches? You were so excited when you brought up the idea, and while I don’t need to eat, I do like tasting pony food… or human food in this case.”
“No… I just… I don't feel like doing anything. Is it possible for any pony that shows up to go away?”
“Sir, those ponies that may show up are your friends. Perhaps you can tell them-”
“That one of their princesses is fucking mental, Gengar? Back home, if a guy claims he was raped, he gets laughed at and somehow, he’s the one who raped the girl! Who’s to say it’s any different here?” Gengar remained silent. I sighed and started petting him. “Look, sorry about yelling at you, bud. I’m just… I don’t even know anymore, man. It's just… I hate all of this.”
“I… know sir. I think you should actually go get some rest. You were up all night, after all.” I yawned. “I’ll carry you to bed.”
“Please don’t use your magic to move me.”
“Did Luna use her magic…?” I nodded. “I see. Worry not,” Gengar turned into a big, brown bear, and he lifted me up into his arms. Soon, I found myself just laying in my bed, alone. Gengar had gone down stairs to do… something. I don’t know, but I think I heard the door open at some point, so I didn’t care. My eyes, with them having gone so long without rest, finally closed. At some point, I think I started dreaming… I don’t know, I just know that I was running from something, something scary, something… horrifying. I didn’t care to take a second glance; I just wanted to run away from the monster. I tripped over a branch and fell to the ground to face my demise.
“ENOUGH!” My ears started ringing, only for my eyes to widen in fear. Luna just murdered the shit out of the monster… This has to be a dream. “Bob! Why are you sleeping at this hour? You should be out enjoying my sister’s sunny day like everypony else! It’s unhealthy to spend all day inside, asleep.” Luna, no, a monster tilted her head as she stared down at me. “Bob? Did you… What is wrong? I’ve ended your nightmares and you are not happy to see me?”
“You…”
“Yes, I. Are you okay, Bob?”
“You… this is a dream, right?”
“Of course. I met up with you last night after claiming your desires to bed me.”
“How…”
“I am the Princess of Night that comes with several abilities, such as dream walking.”
“You…” If this is real, I will probably regret saying this. “Have the fucking audacity to come to my home, in the middle of the night, and… no, not sex, that wasn’t fucking sex. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable. No, you fucking forced yourself on me over a god damn joke, Luna. We were friends, we joked around, we laughed together on Nightmare Night. That’s what we do; we poke fun at each other. My little side message for you? Yeah, that was a god damn Joke, Luna. You… can go fuck yourself. Get out of my dreams and get out of my life…”
“Bob, what are you-”
“You fucking raped me, you cunt!
“I did not, you requested-”
“Bull fucking shit I did! I know that… scientifically horses and humans are not closely related enough to have offspring at least... If you somehow are pregnant after last night and you make me pay child support, I will find you. I will fucking find you and stick you in a room full of mustard gas. I will make every single fucking moment of your life a living hell for what you’ve done to me. I didn’t want to have sex with you, I never did. I made that clear when we first met, and you assume one little line on a letter was my confession to you?”
“Thou dares threaten your Princess, Bob? Do not make me storm your home with a battalion of guards!”
“I don’t believe in royalty, Luna. I don’t give a damn if you’ve got a crown, some fancy title, and are somehow tied to the moon. You no longer have my respect, you are not a friend of mine, not after what you’ve done to me, and I fucking hate you. If you somehow find your way back into Ponyville and decide to visit me, I will kill you. Thanks for ruining me, Luna.”
“Wait- we are no longer friends?” The lunar princess seemed to be shocked at my declaration.
“Jeez, what made you think that? Did you even fucking pay attention? You fucking raped me, Luna. What made you think you and I were friends after that?” I growled. “Lemme guess, you’re a pretty fucking Princess, and assume I would forgive you, or you didn’t even begin to think before you did you you did? Because what you did will fucking stick with me . Until the day I die, either I will constantly or periodically remember when I trusted you, and then you raped me .”
“I thought you wanted to take our friendship to another-”
“Luna, we hung out once. Are you fucking…” I felt the dream shake. “What the fuck-”
The next thing I knew, I had Princess Luna standing over me. I screamed and kicked her in the stomach, only for a very not Luna-sounding yelp to escape the psycho’s lips. “Well, that was not pleasant. You are surprisingly strong for something so skinny.” Oh… “Why were you asleep for so long, Bob? I thought you would be the type of pony to enjoy such a nice day.” Celestia had just gotten herself on the floor.
“I uh… had an experience with Luna last night.”
“She told me about that.”
“I didn’t want that experience,” I growled.
“Oh… What the buck.” Celestia’s voice sounded both shocked and disgusted.
“So, why are you here?”
“I've come to tell you that calculators, automated seed planters, alcohol, and miniature ovens have all passed the test, and are allowed to be put into production. I will have to put laws in place for alcohol, but it does have some properties that are useful outside of parties. I am particularly interested in calculators. They make math so much easier. Just a few button presses away from solving any sort of basic equations.”
“Yeah. They’re pretty cool. I’m assuming you put those into production for me?”
“Of course! If I knew how smart you humans are, I would have summoned more of you! I… Am so sorry about what Luna has done to you. I know nothing can truly be done to fix the damage done to you by her, unfortunately. I will be locking Luna to Canterlot and prohibit her from interacting with you in dreams. Would you like to talk about what happened?”
“Not particularly.”
“It’ll help.”
“I know it will.”
“You can talk to me. I will use a spell to keep myself from speaking of what happens during our little therapy sessions. I will also be supportive and be available for you whenever you need it; it’s the least I can do for a friend. And yes, I am a trained psychiatrist; I’ve had all the time in the world to learn how to help my little ponies through any problems they have whether they’re physical or mental.”
“I… Would it be a bother to you?”
“Bob, you got raped. You need therapy. I’m not just telling you as a Princess, I am telling you as your friend. Get help, go outside, try to move past this.”
“I’ll take your offer. I-I really don’t want to talk about it, but I know it’ll get worse if I let it fester. I already snapped at a friend because of their concern for my well-being. If it's not for me, it’s at least to keep my friends from worrying.”
“Good. Our sessions shall begin shortly. Anything you would like to speak about before we begin?”
“Am I legally your pet now? I heard about those tickets.”
“Well, yes and no. You are legally a citizen; I just wanted to see if my little ponies would take a law, such as not asking for belly rubs from a human, too seriously. Twilight and her friends took that quite seriously and it was kind of cute.”
“Cool… I don’t have to tell them, do I?”
“No. For both what happened to you and that law; I am a bit possessive of my favorite human. Hence why I am going to such lengths to punish my sister for what she did to you. And for that those tickets, know that they have were made as a joke. But seriously, spend time with your friends. It will at least help you feel better if nothing else. Spend time with Venice Arrow; I know you two are quite close from Twilight’s letters… I’ve heard rumors that that mare is closer to you than Twilight is.”
“Of course she is. One of the first ponies I’ve met, aside from Twilight and her friends, and she treats me like I’m a human being. You do not understand how taxing it is to be considered nothing more than a dumb dog. Venice treats me like a man, lets me babysit her kid, who is an absolute angel, and is so god damn sweet. I… it has been a minute since I’ve seen her. I think I wanna see her.”
“Well, once we are done here, I shall go retrieve Venice Arrow for you. I’m sure she’d love to just lay in your lap. I know I sure did… it is a shame that I am too heavy for your lap.”
“You’ve been proven to have basic shape shifting abilities. You weren’t too heavy when you were filly-sized.”
“I did. But that is beside the point. Now, allow us to begin your first therapy session.”
And so it began. We simply chatted, and as it turned out, the small talk from earlier was to ease me into actually opening up to Celestia when it came to my problems. And… It worked. It probably helped that we’re already friends, but it still helped with my road to recovery. So that’s what I did, my primal fear, what happened, how Luna would not stop despite how I was expressing how her advances were not appreciated. Overall… It did make me feel better. I still didn’t feel great, but Celestia was a great therapist all things considered.
She didn’t know about how to solve PTSD though; humans couldn’t either so I don’t blame her. She did get me tips on how to at least cope with them, and hit me with a spell so said PTSD wouldn’t make me see things for at least a week. Needless to say… It was a good session.
And Celestia let me use her squishy side-belly as a pillow while she stroked me with her wing. The sheer contrast in how Celestia is right now, to how she was during Nightmare Night, to how gentle she was compared to Luna… “Celestia, why are you so cool?”
“Well, I am magically tied to the sun, so it would be concerning if I was cool.” She said with a playful glint in her eyes.
“You know what I mean!”
“No I do not.”
“You bitch!”
“Thank you!” We started wrestling. Well, until I got pinned, and started panicking. Celestia quickly took note of that and got off me, before lifting me up with her hooves. “I… my apologies, Bob.”
I leaned into the Princess’s arms(or legs? Probably legs). “No, it’s my fault for freaking out. I should trust you more.”
“You trusted Luna, and look what she did to you, Bob. Not to say you put your trust in the wrong pony; not even I would’ve thought that my little sister was capable of doing such a thing to anypony, or anyone for that matter. And no, it is not your fault for simply ‘freaking out’. You’re clearly traumatized,” Celestia nuzzled me, and it felt like I was being held by a very caring mother bear. Unfortunately the feeling ended all too soon when Celestia let me go. “I wish I could stay to comfort you, Bob, but I have a kingdom to run. Do you still wish to speak with Venice?”
“Yeah… and thank you for your time, Celestia. It’ll take a lot to get over… y’know. But you are even attempting to help me… Just thank you.” I hugged Celestia and she froze up. “Cya Celly.”
“I-I,” Celestia cleared her throat. “The last time a pony called me that, it was my lover on his deathbed…” Celestia, before I thought I struck a nerve, actually smiled. “I shall send Venice Arrow your way. Shall we meet again next week?”
“You just want a belly rub.” I chuckled.
“That I do, but this is a good sign, Bob; you’re at least making jokes again.”
“The therapist I had was a damn good therapist.” Celestia leaned in and kissed me on the forehead before teleporting away. I just sat there, actually smiling… despite everything. Gengar even came out of his hiding space to bask in how much better I must be feeling… and tasting. Actually, he was just happy to see me smiling; he rubbed up against me like a cat and even pranced in place. Yes, it was very cute, and I banned him from doing it before he killed me with cuteness.
Then Venice stopped by, and she was all too happy to see me. In fact, she tackled me, before letting off of me pretty quickly. “Bob!” She nuzzled me. “I thought something was off when I couldn’t find you; you weren’t in Twilight’s home yesterday for our weekly tea party!” She continued nuzzling me... God this mare is sweeter than candy. It made me feel... safe. And happy. Also, Venice, stop being cute.
“Oh fuck! That was yesterday?”
“Yeah! So you finally got your own house?”
“Yup!” I noogied the mare for simply being adorable. I couldn’t help but smirk at her as she tried to playfully bat my hand away with a hoof. And fail. “God you’re still cute as hell… Why did you unpin me so quickly?”
“Princess Celestia told me where you were living, and warned me to not pin you down. You… went through something that makes you panic when that happens apparently. Celestia said she was under a spell where she couldn’t disclose what actually happened to you. What… what happened to you?”
“I…” I looked into the mare’s eyes. The sheer amount of concern within them was incredibly touching; they look genuinely terrified for me. Should I? I opened up to Celestia and I’ve known her for far less time than I’ve known Venice. “You know how I made friends with both Princess Luna and Celestia?” Fuck it, I’m making a leap of faith.
“Of course! It was all over the newspaper for a week!”
“The newspaper only updates once a week.”
“Exactly; it was big news!” We both chuckled. “Though what happened? You didn’t make Celestia mad, did you?”
“Oh no, me and Celestia are still friends. Not good friends; it’s hard to spend time with a person who literally runs an entire country almost all on her own. Hell, I wanna hangout with her more. You see, me and Luna had a falling out of sorts. I told the Princesses ‘fuck you’ as a joke in a letter. Celestia obviously knew I was joking and that’s just how humans treat their friends.” I booped Venice on the nose. “And I know you know that since you hangout with me so much. But basically… Luna didn’t take it as a joke and made sure I could ‘buck her’ even when I clearly did not want to do that.”
“...And she’s still in power?”
“Unfortunately. Celly’s at least making sure that Luna can’t come into contact with me, and if we do, it will entirely be for business should the Princesses require me for any reason. Luna also can’t leave Canterlot for a few years, and if she comes near me, I believe I have the right to beat the shit out of her… It just hurts, y’know? I trusted Luna, and she and Celestia clearly trusted me if they felt like they could just act like sisters in public with me present. Then Luna went and broke her trust with me in a way that is nearly unforgivable…”
“Bob! You should’ve told me immediately! We could get you some professional help! I know Cherilee would be more than willing after you’ve helped her teach class a couple of times. And she's a fully trained therapist.”
“Actually, Celestia offered to be my therapist and we had our first session today… It felt good to get my frustrations off my chest about it. I think next week we’ll begin going over ways to help me mentally recover from the ‘Luna Experience’.”
“Good! If you didn’t get help for yourself, I would be very upset with you, young man. You’re my best friend,” accurate; you’re my favorite friend too. “And you do not understand how upset it would make me to see you suffer.”
“You know, I would probably immediately seek help the moment I looked into your eyes, had Celestia not already got me to seek help first. Just for the love of god, do not let Luna anywhere near me.”
“Oh trust me, if Luna gets anywhere near you, I do not care if it counts as treason if I were to buck her right in the teeth!” Venice snarled. It was kinda cute, but I suppose to other ponies it would be threatening. “Nopony, nobody does that to anypony else! And especially not to one of my friends!”
“I… didn’t know you cared so much about me, that you’d actually kick Luna’s shit in for what she’s done.”
“What did I just call you, young man?”
“You sound like my Mom.” Venice smirked before she got up. “You gotta go somewhere?”
“No, but I know foal therapy will help you. So I’m getting Golden Arrow, in your own words, the cutest little thing you’ve laid your eyes upon. I bet he’d love to see you, too!”
“Damn right I would!”
The following weeks, Luna never stopped by in my dreams, and Celestia stopped by once each week to chat, and to give me therapy. It didn’t make me feel happier, but it did make me feel a little better. Golden Arrow made sure I was happy as hell; it’s hard to stay sad when a cute little foal is entirely obsessed with you and wants to play constantly. Not even on the worst days of my life would I deny something as cute as Golden any attention… Then came Hearth’s Warming, which was essentially the Pony’s version of Christmas, but celebrated for a different reason.
Instead of some guy being born, it’s sorta the beginning to how Equestria started, I guess. Where three ponies got stuck in a cave, each descending from each tribe: Pegasus, Unicorn, and Earth and they all hugged for warmth. Of course, the actual story(that everyone seems to deny, but I found in a book) was a lot more bloody and brutal. And something involving some sorta big bad guy that ponies had to face against, which led to them coming together to fuck up said bad guys. Meh, people back home sometimes likes the happier sounding version of what happened versus what actually happened, so I can’t blame ponies for that.
Dunno why they prefer actually false history, but whatever.
Anyways, I sent out all my gifts to my friends ahead of time. Venice got some flowers, Golden got a new addition to the train set I made him oh so long ago. Rarity already got her new and improved sewing machine. I managed to find out who wrote the Daring Do books at some point, and asked for a single print, limited edition set of every existing book in the series. Along with a special little short story involving a certain, cyan pegasus. You can probably guess who that goes to. I honestly didn’t know what to get Fluttershy, so I also got her flowers. Apple Jack got an automatic seed planter that planted seeds as you plowed the field. And Twilight got a calculator. And Pinkie, a recipe for fruit cake that I kinda remembered. Kinda, it wasn’t a very accurate recipe. Also, I sent Ditzy a tray of home baked muffins, because she likes muffins and is also a muffin. I also sent Celestia some fancy wine that I brewed up, and sent Luna a dildo and instructions on how to use it.
Because Luna can go fuck herself.
Now, I haven’t spoken to Twilight or her friends in a hot minute, and it’s also been a bit since I’ve seen Ditzy. I could go out to the play that they were performing, I could go to the Hearth’s Warming Eve party that Pinkie’s hosting. I could, but I didn’t. Hearth’s warming was a time to be spent with family and friends. And while I am their friend, I feel like most of them only really put up with me because I was Twilight’s pet human, not because I was very fun to be around. I mean, who wants to spend time, aside from Twilight, around some nerd that likes building and making things?
I still sent them presents because I consider them friends, but I doubt that went the other way.
So what better to do on Pony Christmas than to sit alone, in front of the fireplace, and contemplate just how alone you actually are. No other humans, ‘nopony’ to hang out with, and your actual family hated you anyways. Even in a world full of people to be friends with, we’re still alone because we cannot truly be ourselves. Like the expression be yourself really just means ‘be yourself… within reason so society doesn’t reject you’. I also don’t think I got an invitation to Pinkie’s part, so I can safely assume that I was mostly just tolerated. So I cracked open some apple flavored rum and took a swig after sitting in front of the fireplace with a bowl of popcorn.
There was nothing to watch; I had no television. I just sat, stared into space, fucked my teeth up with very salty popcorn, and fucked my liver even harder with alcohol.
Nobody even stopped by my house. No letters, nobody coming to just tell me ‘merry Christmas’ or whatever the pony equivalent was. I truly was alone in this world… Well, Gengar was around since changelings apparently don’t celebrate any holidays, and he spent most of the night making sure I didn’t drink too much. And also acted as a cute little lap dog(but as a foal sized-changeling) that I idly stroked while I contemplated my crippling loneliness.
At some point, Luna sent me a letter, saying she’s changed and she wants to amend our friendship… Gengar was all too happy to turn into a dragon and burn that shit.
So, one of the cool things about living in a magical land full of magical ponies, some with wings, some that are very horny, and some without wings or a horn is the fact that they can control the weather. Well, the ones with wings can, and the others cannot. Earth ponies have an innate talent for farming, landscaping, anything that happens to involve the land. As such, they can control when winter comes and ends. Why they don’t keep it at a nice, crisp seventy(in freedom weather, you fucking communistic ponies) or sixty-five and leave it at that is beyond me, but it makes sense from a scientific standpoint.
Judging from the trees and the plants around Ponyville, and apparently most of Equestrian soil, these are the types of trees that need a break from being trees all day. So winter comes, the trees can rest, bears hibernate, people get a month off of work in the first initial snow, and overall it’s a fun time. Of course, it’s December, because Thanksgiving doesn’t exist, so Hearth’s Warming takes place in November when the first snow happens. Of course, that meant I got to celebrate human traditions alone again, like usual, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I also got to leave my house and finally learn why I never got an invite or letter anywhere at all during Pony Christmas.
“Pinkie made a mistake in sending invitations out, and by the time we realized, it was too cold for and there was too much snow around Ponyville to get to you!” Twilight sighed as we sat in her living room, in front of the fireplace(who the fuck thought that was a good idea) with a cup of hot chocolate. “I’m sorry we didn’t find you sooner, Bob, but it’s… taking some time to get used to you not living in the library with me and Spike. We… just put off sending you your invite until it was too late.”
“Meh. it’s not a big deal; I had a friend to keep me company after all.”
“Who’s this friend of yours? You mentioned them when we last saw you, but you never brought them to any gatherings we invited you to.”
“In all fairness, Twilight, we haven’t seen each other all month. I kinda… went into recluse to work on a new project,” I lied through my teeth. “And I didn’t even know you guys sent letters out to me; it’s a bit hard for Ditzy, or any mail pony for that matter, to come and see me with this much snow on the ground. The only ones I’ve seen come by were the Arrow Family, and Venice always talks about how much of a pain in the ass it is to get to my house through a meter of snow. So I couldn’t ever really introduce my friend to you all; even though you met him when you first saw my house. It’s my pet rock, Steve.”
“I… didn't think you’d be the type of pony to indulge in having a pet rock.”
“I’m also not a pony.”
“Yeah, that is true. Are… you looking to get an actual pet at some point? I’m certain you’d love any animal that Fluttershy has.”
“I wanted a wolf or a dog, or even a wolfdog of some sort. Fluttershy doesn’t know what a wolfdog is, she has no dogs at the moment, and I don’t think she’d own a wolf. Timber wolves seem cool, but apparently they are incredibly vicious and are also incredibly dangerous. And from what I’ve seen of them, they don’t actually have a pack mentality like wolves or dogs; they just hunt together if necessary, split their catch, and split off soon afterwards… Because they literally don’t have brains, they lack the ability to create social bonds.”
“You… studied timber wolves?”
“Yeah. I was bored and drunk and went into the Everfree to study some of the animals. Apparently drunk Bob is really good at biology, because that’s one of the many areas in human science I’m weak in. I can work with physics, I can put stuff together, but I can’t do chemicals, or animals very well. Yet the notes I took, while drunk as fuck, were damn near perfect and seemed to be well made. So I’m just rolling with what drunk me has noted down about timberwolves, since after some post-hangover studying, it is accurate.”
“Can I stop by and have a look at those notes? I know it may not mean much to you, but Equestria could benefit from having knowledge on what’s in the Everfree Forest.”
“Sure. I think I only got timberwolves and manticores in said notes; it’s hard to stay awake when you’ve drunk something that is known for knocking people out.”
“Still any information is helpful.”
“Still, it would be nice to have that.”
“Fair enough. I’ll stop by tomorrow with the notes,” I stood up and stretched. “Nice talkin’ to ya, Twilight. Anything big coming up that I should know about?”
“Winter Wrap up is in two months.” I raised an eyebrow. “It’s what we ponies do to mark the end of winter.”
“Cool. I’ll come by and help out if I don’t get chased out for using human inventions to help me help you ponies out.”
“And this,” the calculator I made popped into existence in front of me. “Is so cool! Now I can spend half the time working equations out with it!” I chuckled. “Is all human technology like this? As in incredibly helpful?” I chuckled. It was nice to see Twilight enjoying her present.
“There are some devices, that are out of my area of expertise, that have something like that,” I pointed at the calculator. “In them, which can not only do what a calculator does, but can store millions of books on it, read them out for you, send letters, communicate with somebody with your voice, and keep you entertained for hours at a time. These are called computers and so far, aside from rockets that can carry people to the moon, are probably one of the best inventions of humanity. Imagine, being able to see your mother’s face, talk to her like she’s there, and she can do the same with you instantaneously. That is the power of humanity, the ability to imagine something and having the determination and resolve to make that something a reality. We once thought we wanted to touch the moon, and we did. We were about to touch neighboring planets when I left Earth.”
“That… I want to see your home now. I know I probably won’t, but it sounds awesome.”
“You’ll need to turn yourself into a human. Humans, if they found you as a sentient, talking horse that can use magic, they will question you at a minimum. They will ask questions, and maybe not kill you and study your insides because you’re a form of sapient life that humans will respect. Or the children will find you fucking adorable, which you are,” Twilight blushed at that. “And will pet you.”
“Well… I don't like the part about being killed and cut open, but petting isn’t too bad. I think I might like young humans.”
“I can take that out of context so easily. But yeah, some kids might ask to ride on your back, pet you, maybe feed you an apple. Hell, some might even brush your mane, but you’ve made me do that before and loved it, so I don’t think you’d care.”
“Human hands just have something that not even magic can replicate. It felt really good when you brushed my entire coat out.”
“You have problems.”
“Yes I do. I didn’t say you could leave without rubbing my belly after all.”
“You tummy slut.”
“Bitch.”
“Hey now, humans like to eat dogs.”
“...Huh?”
“A racist joke towards a certain… colored humans. I’m not that certain color of humans, but I knew it would shock you long enough for this.” I grabbed Twilight’s forehooves, which only added to her shock, before I dragged her off her bean bag. I then flopped her on her back and dragged her up onto my lap. “Now… I could continue my villain arc, Twi, do you wanna know what my evil plan is?”
“...What is it?”
“Tickling cute ponies. I already did Venice and Golden, they survived so I must extract my revenge… however, you have not been tickled yet. And you are a very cute pony.” I let my voice get nice and low, as threatening as I could make it for a guy with a fairly high-pitched voice.”
“Bob, I really don’t like your tone,” I grinned maliciously as I moved Twilight’s leg and started going for the armpit. Of course, this spot is my tried and true when it comes to tickling, and I’ve finally made a huge leap in my quest of becoming truly evil. As the unicorn squirmed and begged for a mercy that would never come, I moved to her neck and that happened to be just as ticklish. The only problem is now I have to watch for flailing horse legs… I didn’t have to worry about that too much. Because now Twilight’s laughs were voiceless and were just wheezes at this point.
And so I stopped tickling her. “So Twi, do you understand my new purpose as a villain?”
“You… You…” Twilight said, finally gaining enough breath to speak, but not enough to conversate yet. “Are… evil, mister,” I chuckled and started softly rubbing her neck. “H-how… Can… how can you be so evil?” Ah, Twilight caught most of her breath. “You… I must contact Princess Celestia and Princess Luna; you must be stopped at all costs!” My hand froze in place when she mentioned Luna. “Bob… why did you stop petting me…” She looked up at my face. “Bob, what happened between you and the Princesses?”
“Twilight, nothing happened. Not with Celestia at least, she’s… been helping me after what Luna did to me.”
“What… Bob, tell me what Princess Luna did. Something’s wrong, and if you don’t tell me, I can’t help you!”
I simply remained silent for a moment while idly stroking the unicorn’s neck. “You… know why Celestia requested that you don’t experiment with magic on me?”
“I thought it’s because you simply didn’t like magic and you felt the need to ask the Crown to stop ponies from using magic on you.”
“Twilight, tell me, what is literally anyone’s chance in getting away when they get caught up in a unicorn’s magic?”
“Well, unless the unicorn is notably strong, they can’t really hold anypony larger than a filly or a colt in place. A stronger, or more talented unicorn,” like Twilight, but she’s humble. “There would be no chance of getting away.”
“So what are my chances of escaping an alicorn?”
“...Close to none, Bob.”
“That’s why. Celestia didn’t do anything to me, don’t worry. Her sister though, watch out for her. I’m sure… it was an accident and all, but that bitch cannot take a joke at all. She…” I paused. “She used magic to do things you should never even consider doing to another, sentient being without their consent, Twilight. Hell, now I’m partially terrified of you, Rarity despite her lack of raw strength in magic, and Celestia because of how powerful you three are in terms of magic, and Luna is roughly on par with Celestia in terms of raw strength. And while you’re the most gifted unicorn, as far as I know of, and you’ve managed to drag me up and around town with your magic. Rarity is precise enough to control a limb or two just due to how pin-point accurate she can be. And Celestia is both of those things while having more power to pour into those things.”
“So Luna…” I nodded. “And now you’re a bit scared of me.”
“I am, but I’m trusting you, and I know you enough to know that you wouldn’t do such a thing to me. I’m putting a lot of my trust in you, Twi, because you’re my best friend. Just… if you use magic at anypoint, please don’t pin me down with it.”
“I won’t, Bob. I will not lay a hoof on you, or direct magic towards you in any capacity. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye- OW!” Twilight flinched when she accidentally jabbed herself in the eye while performing a Pinkie Promise. How it differs from a Pinky Promise, I don’t know, but it apparently means a lot to the ponies of Ponyville at least. Essentially, if one makes such a promise, you can fully trust them to not break that promise.” I patted Twilight on the head.
“Thank you, Twilight. And no matter what, do not send a letter to Celestia about this; she knows. Do not harass Luna over this; she’s being punished already. Do not tell anyone else though. Just let Rarity know that she can’t use magic on me, which she probably already knows, and we’ll be fine. And especially don’t tell anyone outside of our little friend group about this; they’ll just assume that your ‘pet’ wants attention and will treat it as such.” I hugged Twilight. “And… I forgot about how stupidly soft and fluffy you are.”
“H-huh?”
“Oh right, that’s how stallions flirt with mares. You’re very pettable and huggable is what I’m saying.”
“Oh. I need to remember that you aren’t into ponies.”
“I mean, I guess because Luna did… what she did, I technically have had sex with a pony. What’s the harm- fuck no. We’re friends, not lovers. We might be able to date at some point, when I get over the fact that I’m not a pony, and will never touch or see a human woman ever again. But don’t think we’ll do that sorta stuff any time soon, Twi. There are some things I don’t want to do, and that’s one of those.”
“But interspecies intercourse is legal.”
“Don’t mean I’m down for it. I will pet and snuggle up with you ponies all day if given the option, but I won’t get that kind of cuddly with you.”
“Well… if we do end up dating, that would still be nice. If I had to choose a special somepony, you wouldn’t be that bad.”
“And you’re adorable, so I wouldn’t complain…” I smirked. “Though Venice is cuter than you are.”
“She is not!”
“She is too!”
“Buck you!”
“Woah now, we haven’t even gone to dinner yet, Twilight.”
“I hate you.” I started rubbing her belly again. “I love you!” We both had a good laugh before Twilight’s mind was absorbed in the pure bliss that belly rubs seem to give ponies when I rub them. I then stopped briefly. “I hate you again,” I restarted the rub. “Now I love you again.” Ah, conditional friendships.. You little tummy slut, you. Yeah, enjoy the rubs, you adorable little shit. God this is weird to be thinking to myself while rubbing a pony, especially when calling her a tummy slut.
“Am Ah interrupting something?” Apple Jack walked in wearing a cute little, apple-themed sweater.
“Twilight was in the process of hating me, and now she loves me,” I chuckled as Twilight’s leg started kicking. If nothing else, ponies are cute, and are very good substitutes for puppy therapy. “So, do you need anything?”
“Ah was looking for a book to pass the time; it’s a bit boring on the farm without any farm work to do.”
“I could pet you.”
“That’s a good offer, Bob, and Ah might take you up on it. However, Ah would still like a book,” I pointed at a random book. “That’s a nice, long book about how a local farm boy slays the big, evil dragon. Fun read, really fun, and fuck if it didn’t leave me in tears when I first read it, then I would be lying.”
“Well, Ah can tell you aren’t lyin’ so I’ll take your advice, Bob.” AJ rook the book, before plopping down and opening the book. “You may pet me now,” I was more than happy to oblige; despite AJ literally never going to a spa, apparently, her coat was almost softer than Fluttershy’s coat. “Ah don’t partake in being petted enough; it is a bit degrading, but Ah also won’t admit that it feels really nice,” AJ then remained silent while she was reading, and I stopped petting Twilight because she fell asleep.
“So, how’s the book so far?”
“It is a bit of a slow burner.”
“Well, that book is also a measly thousand pages long.”
“Yer right about that, partner.” We sat in silence, a comfortable one, just quietly reading and petting a pony. You can tell who was doing what.
A few weeks later, Christmas, like actual, human Christmas came and went. I told nobody about it, purely because I don’t think anyone would care. So it was just another day of me sitting alone in my spot in front of the fireplace, without any booze this time, just contemplating my loneliness again. It was a repeat of Hearth’s Warming Eve. Of course, I still met with Celestia once a week for our sessions still, and it was welcomed. If nothing else, they did help, and it was time spent hanging out with a pony. A pony that I wanted to hang out with more. Even if, looking at it now, it seemed like Luna got off easy when it came to what she did to me.
But I suppose there isn’t much I can do about that, especially since what Luna did, was apparently okay a thousand years ago. How rape was okay back then, I don’t fucking know, but whatever.
This is a heavily convoluted way of saying Winter Wrap Up, because I guess snow and ice don’t melt on their own. This was also where I was introduced to music magic, or song magic. Where everyone sings to a tune that nobody can hear, and it just works I guess. So of course, when Winter Wrap Up came around, everyone started singing, and I got forced to give a few verses. Because song magic makes you say things you don’t wanna say, it’s a rule of honor to not remember what is said during a magical song. So you can imagine how glad I was that nobody bothered to listen to my couple of verses about my newfound depression, loneliness, or how I was a hair away from actually killing myself.
Of course, I had a few gadgets built, like a snow plow built out of a tractor I borrowed from AJ(how the fuck do ponies have tractors and not cars?), since that was probably the only thing I could help out with without fucking that up. Twilight, being the organizational master, told me I was to be a part of AJ’s group because of this. And I was super stoked to find out that uh… I wasn’t even fucking allowed to use the snow-plowing tractor I made. Because it ‘wasn’t tradition, you stupid fucking human’ or whatever. So out of spite, I started heaving snow forward, despite how much my body demanded rest, and even stripped down to just a sweater and pants so the cold would numb it down.
Then I collapsed from exhaustion and was told to go sit down after twenty minutes.
“You know, Bob, Ah expected you to last a little longer than that.” AJ handed over a bottle of water.
“Well, I was told that I can’t go against earth pony tradition by using ‘magic’ even though it’s literally a tractor with a snowplow screwed onto it. With a human invention to help it move on snow, and then modified to help it use that human invention. Legit, none of it is magic, it still runs on coal.”
“Bob, human technology may as well be magic. You see how effective a calculator is? It runs off of something to keep it working and does math Ah can’t even do in mere seconds!” I blinked a couple times.
“AJ, if I were allowed to, I’d literally burn the ice covering the lakes, have all the branches cleared out, and given the time, I could probably make a bird nest factory. I could do all of that without using any magic. I fucking loathe magic despite how some of my inventions being powered by it. But if you don’t want me to use any human technology, cool. Just know I’m basically useless. You ponies not only have more muscle mass than I do, but you probably have more stamina to back up said muscles than I do. I’m below average for human endurance as is, and humans are usually good at running… when we aren’t pushing several kilograms of snow.”
“Well, it still ain’t straight just using your hooves and the tools available. Perhaps you can make birds nests-”
“Nope. Rarity will get on my ass about how they don’t look nice, even though I don’t think birds would care. I’m not good at ice skating, so that’s out. Literally out of all the other options, this was the one I could help out the most with if I used the tractor you literally let me borrow and modify so I could use it today. So get off your high horse,” I snickered at that. “About me not being useful anywhere; I can’t even build nests anyways. If you have a problem with that, I’m just gonna go home, shovel my yard, and call it a day. I won’t even be using the food you ponies grow once I get the chemical makeup of greenhouse gasses down.”
“That’s fine and dandy, Bob, but you live in Ponyville; you’ve got to help with Winter Wrap Up.”
I laughed. “I live in what is legally considered not a part of Ponyville, AJ. I’m doing this because I wanted to help my friends out, not Ponyville as a whole. Hell, most of Ponyville doesn’t even like me. The inventions some of you guys now use everyday? Yeah, most of Ponyville doesn’t even know that I made those, and still think I’m about as important as some random dog. A scary, ugly dog, but still a dog. I have zero reason to even be in Ponyville if you, your family, the rest of our friends, and Venice and her kid. I’ve grown an empire of inventions that nobody knows I made, because nobody here would want to buy some weird thing an alien made.”
“Well…” Apple had nothing to say to that.
“So if I’m not useful here, I’ll go home.” I got up, and my legs were shaking, probably because I barely gave myself five minutes to recover. “See ya AJ.”
“Cya ‘round, Bob.”
When I got home, I immediately started working on my concept of a greenhouse. Hopefully Chryssy would be willing to help me actually build the thing if I give her a belly rub.
I want absolutely zero reason to enter Ponyville. Outside of visiting Twilight to rub her belly of course. Or Venice’s belly… I need to stop rubbing pony bellies.
A few days later, I was just sitting in my room, quietly sketching something with the window open. A little Gengar was snoozing away in my lap, just making the schematics for… something. I don’t know. I was bored, so I started sketching a nine-tailed fox for no apparent reason. It was nice, drew terrible drawings, and pet a changeling in between strokes. Good process. Because I’m not allowed to have nice things, a few knocks on my door made me jolt a little. The changeling in my lap was not very appreciative of that, so I started scratching around Gengar’s ears to make up for it.
“What is that sir?” Gengar sat up in my lap to look at the latest sketch in my notebook.
“I was bored, and drew a nine-tailed fox. I know it doesn’t look like it-”
“It looks like a dog that’s made of slime…” Gengar grinned. “Though those actually exist and are pretty smart. I bet the Queen or Sunbutt would be willing to find one for you as a pet.”
“Wait, what?”
“Yeah, they exist! I know Sunbutt knows where a clan of them are, and I bet the Queen does due to us constantly spying on her in the last year.”
“I want one now.”
“Well, the Queen couldn’t find you any wolves, so that is an option.”
Of course, our conversation was on hold now, because that knock on the door likely meant visitors. “Did Celestia already come by this week?” I asked.
“Of course sir. She comes at the start of every week, which is Monday to her.” I patted Gengar on the head. “I know sir, you’re glad that I took up being your pet, part time secretary and friend.”
“You know you’re more than a pet; don’t ever call yourself a pet.”
“I don’t mind being one sir. Free food and pampering? Sign me up!” I shook my head as a new voice could be heard just outside the window.
“C’mon Twilight, should we really even try to invite Bob? He didn’t even show up to our Hearth’s Warming Eve party.” That was Rainbow. “I mean, some of us only really put up with him to begin with, because he was technically your pet.”
“Rainbow! It’s not nice to talk about ponies, or humans, behind their back!”
“Ah’d agree with Rainbow. Bob won’t even tell us his real name . If somepony wouldn’t even bother telling me their name, Ah can safely assume Bob is hiding’ something else from us. Ah don’t like liars, and Bob’s lying to us just by telling us his name is Bob.”
“Think I should go out and greet them?” I looked down at Gengar.
“Twilight won’t even leave unless you come out. So you might as well.” I got up and went to put on a hoodie.
“Bob can’t be that bad. I mean, he still sent out gifts to us because he knew leaving his house, or getting to it would be hard. He sent me flowers at least.” That was Fluttershy. I need to rub her belly later.
“Because he hardly spent any time with you outside of when Twilight was present. Let’s face it; Bob only hung around with us because he’s friends with Twilight.” Rainbow really doesn’t like me apparently. “Sure, he sent gifts out, but let’s be real here; he’s probably not even our friend at this point. He’s just some dumb animal that happens to be able to talk, Twilight.” Wow, Rainbow, such loyalty. Some of my friends voiced similar beliefs. Except Twilight.
“Oi, I got A.K Yearling to make a single print edition of the entire existing Daring Do series, for you, Rainbow. If you’ve got a problem with me, cool. You shoulda looked if the window was open before you started spewing shit outta your mouth.” I opened the window fully and stuck my head out. “Who fucking knew, the Elements are Harmony are terrible fucking friends . Twilight, you’re still chill, I guess. You too Fluttershy; I wish I hung out with you more so I knew what to give you other than flowers. I feel like animal knowledge wouldn’t be useful when you’re the most knowledgeable person I know when it comes to that subject.”
“How the hay do you know what those are?” Rainbow asked.
“How specific, dumbass.”
“Take. That. Back.” Rainbow was now nose to nose with me.
“Nah. I’m nothing but a stupid animal that doesn’t know that he said something he shouldn’t have.” I backed into my home, closed the window, and took a deep breath. “Gengar, I’m gonna go on a walk so I don’t break something I shouldn’t break. If you want some, I got some pudding in the pot on the stove; it was meant to be enough to serve six ponies seven times over, but I suppose I just have a lot of pudding that’s dying for a cute, little bug to go wild on.”
“I’ll take you up on that offer; ice cream sandwiches were pretty good, so another human delicacy can’t be that bad… I assume you want me to be your emotional support animal when you get back?” I patted Gengar on the head as we walked down stairs.
“Well, I would like to rub your belly, and I know you wouldn’t mind it at all. You’d probably want it after stuffing your… belly with pudding. If you have an actual stomach.”
“I do sir, but it’s rather small due to it being so underutilized; it’s like that for most changelings.” Gengar then started nudging me towards the door. “Now go take that walk, you’re tense, Bob.”
“Okay, Mom.”
“I thought the only thing you’d call ‘mommy’ is the Queen sir.” We both chuckled at that before I was forced out of my own home for my own good.
“Look Bob,” Twilight and her friends were still outside of my home, with Rainbow being the apparent leader for right now. “I know what I said was wrong.” They all looked about ready to confess their ‘we’re sorry’ speeches everyone gives at the end of some friendship-based show about how they’re sorry.
“And there goes the mood my roommate was trying to help me recover from. Rainbow, I don’t fucking care right now. I’m going on a walk; don’t follow me.” With that, I started walking away. “And AJ, my actual name’s Kevin. It’s dead to me, don’t use it, but there’s my actual name. Shoulda told you that the moment we became business partners. Happy farming or whatever. Go fuck yourselves, asshats..” I didn’t break stride while walking away.
So my day properly started when a couple of knocks at my door brought me out of my stupor. You see, I was just doing my usual pastime, which was sitting and letting Gengar sleep on my lap while I worked on an invention. This time, I was working on the cider squeezer so it would be better and get more cider per apple, adding ridges to the grinder itself (Gengar was proactive in his assistance for this one). I had the grinder nearly done and had it back in the machine. "Good work on this one, Gengar. You should have told me you were good at chiseling; it would have saved me some work when I decided to move away from the wooden wheel I was using to grind the apples up."
"Well, sir, we changelings need to be skilled in several aspects. In another time, I would be an artist that likes to work on statues to gain love from my adoring fans."
"Do you like doing art?" Gengar nodded. "Why didn’t you tell me? I could get you art supplies, marble, anything to create something with! You’re just as much my friend as you are my assistant, man. You need something to do other than allow me to pet you and help me with these stupid inventions."
"Sir, I do not mind. Serving you is an order from the Queen, and doing that order would be indirectly serving her."
"Well, serve me by allowing me to make you happy as well. You don’t just serve Chrysalis; you’re your own bug while you’re living here. While I would like to just pet you all day, you have hobbies that I’m sure you would love to indulge in. So take this as an order: If I do not need your assistance, and if you do not desire being petted, then go do something. Art, play an instrument, anything, dude. I’m making more than enough money." The knocking intensified. "It looks like our guests are getting impatient. Go in my room, grab some paper and a pen. Then go do art; you weren’t lying when you said you liked that, did you?"
"No sir, I love art... about your order?"
"I don’t need you right now, Gengar. Just go enjoy yourself." I swear that little changeling was on the brink of tears when he nodded and scampered upstairs. "And if you want colors to work with, I have a set of prototype markers for you to try!" I couldn’t help but notice Gengar’s tail wagged slightly faster upon being told about that. As the knocking became more constant, it reminded me that yes, people are waiting outside and want to annoy the shit out of me. So I walked to the door and opened it. Twilight and her friends were standing outside. "Well, c’mon in, I guess. Sorry about the wait; I was in the basement and only just now heard you guys at my door."
"That’s alright, Bob. Were you working on a new invention?"
"I was actually working on an innovation . Where I take an existing concept or improve upon it in a way nobody thought of before." I walked over to the kitchen and pointed to my new cider grinder. "This baby is a cider grinder. It’s meant to be a more at home type of thing, should you want to make your own cider at any point. No offense, AJ, your cider’s awesome, but I don’t like waiting in line for some. Plus you don’t spike your cider, and I want to try spiked cider during the season. Plus, I can make cider anytime."
"You aren’t planning on selling cider, are you?"
"No. I was going to sell you the design, I get royalties, and you sell it under your name. Say it only works with your apples, and boom, people buy one of these, and hopefully, you only use your apples with it.”
"Isn’t that lying?"
"Welcome to human business practices. There’s a company that literally just bottles water and makes food for people back on Earth. They pretend to be all nice, and then say that clean drinking water isn’t a right. In all honesty, though, this thing is just for me. I wasn’t planning on selling cider or getting more of these manufactured. I know you wouldn’t feel good about lying to your customers, and it would genuinely cut into your sales. I saved your ass from losing your business, and me selling these things would be a bit counterproductive." I opened a fridge, something else I made for myself, and grabbed an apple or two (seven). "So why are you guys here?"
"Well, you said you wanted to start our friendship anew, and treat you like a pony. So we’re here to invite you to a picnic!" I stuck the apples in the cider grinder and started pulling the lever to get it started. The next thing I knew, I had a nice jug of cider, and I stuck it into a carbonation machine to make it sparkle. Rainbow’s mouth was watering.
"I’m down. I made more pudding, this time with vanilla, and another batch in chocolate." I pointed at the jug. "And I guess I got cider too."
"Ah, I bet that cider doesn't taste anywhere near as good." Apple got a cup. "Of my family’s cider." Apple took a sip. "Ah be damned…"
"Yeah, I used your family’s apples in that cider. You think I’d use any other? I might’ve hated you not even a week ago, but the thing is, I can respect a product even if I hate the seller. And your apples are the best I’ve ever had. How’s the sparkling bit?"
"It’s like drinking apple flavored Sparkles." AJ hummed. "Can Ah commission one of these? It would make cider making easier."
"AJ, this cider is great for making just a jug. You need to make barrels of the stuff pretty much every day so you can sell it."
"Yer right. This is a neat invention, though. Ah’m shocked that you humans are so inventive; Ah’ve never seen a cider squeezer this small before." I walked over to the fridge and grabbed the pots of pudding, and a thing of vegetarian chili and emptied them all into picnic-basket-friendly containers (along with something to heat the chili up), and grabbed a picnic basket from the closet.
"Aight, I’m ready."
"What was that red stuff?"
"Family-secret chili... nah. It’s just chili I used to make when I felt like drowning myself in spices."
"The hay is chili?"
"Apple Jack, as your friend, I am shocked that you don’t know what that is. And I think you’ll love it, so let’s hurry up and go on that picnic, eh?"
We were in a nice little field, and I was letting the chili heat up, and keeping Rarity away from the pudding. "Rarity, act like a lady and wait until after the main course; you’ve got a sandwich, eat it first. Pudding is more of a dessert than a meal, after all."
"But…"
"No Rarity, act like a lady."
"Fine. I suppose it is unladylike to skip lunch and go straight for the desert, but- hey! You aren’t waiting!"
"You guys only packed flower sandwiches again. Plus, I’m not a lady. I’m some dumbass kid that likes sugar."
"You are not stupid, Bob." Twilight glared at me. "You’ve shown me solutions to problems I wouldn’t have even thought of!"
"Which were discovered by people before me. All I’m doing is regurgitating information and rebuilding somebody else’s idea. I’m not that smart; I just have a good memory. I’m sure in terms of raw intelligence, you lot probably have me beaten by a longshot."
"Bob, Apple Bloom is showing me equations Ah don’t even know. She says you tutored her.”
"Again, I’m just retelling information to somebody. Not a sign of intelligence." I checked the chili. "Oh, it’s warm," I used a ladle to take a sip. "Oh fuck, she’s hot!" I took the chili off the heater. "Fuck!" I started downing some cider to satiate my burning tongue. "Jesus fuck! That self warmer works way better than I thought it would!" I panted. "Okay, the tongue’s not on fire, or split in half. I’m good!" I chuckled. "See? I’m an idiot."
I began pouring bowls out, because everyone wanted to try some, I guess. I handed out silverware, split a loaf of bread, and distributed it among us.
"What’s the bread for?"
"Chili is simply better with bread. I would be dipping melts in my chili, but I don’t have that right now. So this’ll have to do." I opened up a bottle of seasoning I brought along with me, added it, and started going at it. "My god. It’s been so long since I’ve had a bowl of this stuff. I think I did a good job." Everyone hesitantly took a sip of their bowls, and their ears perked up. Apple Jack then started lapping her chili up like a dog. "Yo Spike," the baby dragon said, looking up at me.
"Yeah Bob?"
"Put some fish chunks in your chili. It’s amazing." I tossed a baggy of the stuff to him, and he did as suggested. His eyes widened, and like the adorable little thing he is, he started going wild on that shit.
"Bob, you should be a chef!" Rarity hummed. "As messy as this stuff is, I cannot deny that it tastes quite lovely."
"I don’t need to be a chef, and I wouldn’t want to be one, Rarity. I don’t like cooking for other people. I just happened to have a fuckload of chili because I was going to be eating that throughout the week. And my roommate really wants to eat whatever I’m eating for some reason. And by roommate, I mean my pet rock."
"Yer lyin’."
‘Aight fine. I have a roommate that’s incredibly shy; he nearly pissed himself and scampered upstairs when he heard you guys knocking on my door."
"Oh dear… I don’t think."
Spike burped up a scroll. He sighed, before putting his spoon back in the bowl, and starting to read. I don’t care enough to remember, but the gist of it was that Twilight has an older brother. That older brother is getting married, Twilight is shocked that her brother’s getting married, and wonders who the fuck Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is. Oh yeah, she sang about how close she and her brother were, and how she misses them. I couldn’t help but pat her on the back while she was slightly teary eyed.
I may not have a family that wants me, but I know how much it would hurt to be separated from them. Especially if Shining Armor was the only pony to actually matter to Twilight as a filly.
Anyway, all of Twilight’s friends were invited to attend and help with preparing the wedding. I had nothing to offer, but I was invited anyway. Apparently this Cadence bitch did her research, and simply wanted me to bring enough alcohol to get herself and her soon-to-be-husband fucking wasted on their honeymoon. I just stared blankly at Twilight after my job was done. "Am I even wanted at this wedding?"
"Oh, come on, Bob! You’re my best friend! I want you there!"
"I’m also a hairless, ugly monkey that likes meat. I know you wouldn’t mind me being there, but I don’t think your brother or his bride know what I look like." I shrugged. “Well, I had two barrels of vodka lying around. Guess I’ll bring those." With that, we all went home to get packed. I told Gengar what happened, and told him about the pot of chili in the fridge and the liquid love (yes, that exists) in a huge jug should he get hungry. I packed up pants, some nicer clothing, and a few shirts. I put those in a suitcase, got a wheelbarrow, and moved the vodka onto that. My suitcase was on my back, my booze was ready, and I had a stick of chocolate I decided to munch on while I waited at the tran station for everyone to show up.
It took them three hours to get ready for some fucking reason. When Spike, who looked as annoyed as I was, showed up, I looked him dead in the eyes. "Women back home take twelve years to get ready. How do mares, who don’t even need clothes, take twenty-four?" Spike just laughed, and I got kicked in the shin by AJ. No, my leg was not fully in one piece after she did that, and I spent the rest of the trip in the medical cart while screaming about putting me out of my misery with a shotgun.
I was not given such mercy.
So because of magic, my leg was healed for the most part, but I still needed crutches. I said I needed them, but I don’t think I would get them. "Ah’m sorry, Bob. Ah kinda forgot how fragile you humans are."
"I am going to jump off of Canterlot as soon as we get there…" I groaned. "Actually, let me bop the Princess on the nose first. Then I’ll kill myself." I grumbled while rubbing my sore leg. "Oi, can I get a crutch or something? I know my leg still ain’t good to walk on; it still fucking hurts!"
"We’re getting one ready for you, Mr. Bob. We don’t have any in your size on standby," the nurse read off a clipboard with absolutely no care at all. Damn you adorable assholes and your racism. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long and was given a pair of crutches. Woohoo! Now I am only slightly and temporarily bruised.
"You could've not kicked me in the shin over a shitty joke. I mean… Spike liked it at least." I needed some help getting across carts without falling off and dying to death, but other than that, I was fully capable of moving around! I plopped my ass in a chair that was too small for it after swiping some vodka from the barrels I was supposed to give out as a wedding gift. "So, how’s the scenery?" Twilight and the rest of her friends were too excited over what jobs they were doing at the wedding to even notice that my leg got fucked in half.
"Good to see y’all are such loving and caring friends," I grumbled to myself as I downed the vodka. Yeah, that shit smashes, and feels good. My leg doesn’t feel as bad, at least. The train came to a sudden stop, and because God is dead, I went face first into the seat in front of me. This is why I don’t believe in any gods; because the one I do believe in is apparently an asshole. "God…"
"Bob, are you alright?" Twilight nudged me.
"No. My leg was only just broken, and my face just got smashed into something against my face's will. So I’m doing just fine." Twilight hit me with a beam and my face and leg felt better immediately. And I didn’t feel drunk either. "...You could've healed me that whole time?" Twilight nodded. "And instead, I got to scream about my leg and how much I want to kill myself because my leg got fucking kicked in by somebody who kicks trees for a living ." Twilight rubbed the back of her head. So, of course, I picked her up and started cradling her. "And since AJ agreed to carry my shit, and you are cute, I’ll forgive you. But I’m going to carry you like this the whole time."
"I’m okay with that. Sorry about not healing you immediately; sometimes I forget that I’m more advanced in healing spells than some doctors."
"Meh. I’m not dead, so at least there’s that." I chuckled. "I still haven’t killed myself yet, so until that one thing that totally never happened, you six were actually doing a good job at giving me a reason to keep on going… the fuck?" There’s just a pink fish bowl. "Hey Twilight, I know I might still be drunk, so maybe there isn’t a globe over Canterlot, but uh… do you see that?" I looked around, with a very holdable mare in my arms. "Then again, this could be normal; I never really left Ponyville or my house."
"Oh! I noticed that a while ago! You just never got to look outside the train because you were in the medical cart the whole time!" Twilight nudged my hand with a hoof. "Rub that, please." I did as asked.
"Put my sister down, you monster!" I slumped slightly. "What did I say?"
"Oi dick, shut the fuck up. You didn’t tell your sister you were getting married until literally this fucking morning. Shut your whore mouth and catch up with your sister." I rolled Twilight around in my arms before putting her on her hooves. I looked around. "Oh hey! Y’all are using the crossbows I made! That’s awesome! It would've been nice to see them in action! While they weren’t pointed at me, but that’s still really fucking cool!" I was actually kind of giddy about that. "Glad Celestia gave the okay on those!"
"W-what?"
"Shut the fuck up and go hang out with your sister. I’m going to go get drunk somewhere." I sauntered off and sat under a tree nearby. Of course, I didn’t have anything to drink because AJ still had my barrels. So I just sort of sat there while I waited for them to get over their sister and brother moment, Some pink alicorn came out, and I just sat and watched as said alicorn dismissed the ‘best mare’.
Then she looked at me and did a double take before pretending to be too cool for me.
"Twilight, let’s just go make sure everything is going smoothly. This lady seems like a shithead." I picked Twilight up again. "So why the heck are you so grumpy all of a sudden? You were just hopping around adorably a second ago.
"That was my old foalsitter!" Oh. "And she forgot about me!"
"Would you feel better if I scratched your ears?" Twilight nodded. I did as such, but she was still having a case of grumpiness. "Twilight, sometimes people just forget friends. I know you probably don’t like the sound of it, but people change, grow, and forget. Maybe you just have to remind your foalsitter who you are. Though, I’m sure if you told her who you were, by name, then I think that bitch might’ve grown up into a cunt. Truly a remarkable evolution, but Pokemon did teach me that evolution isn’t always an improvement."
"Bob, what the buck are you talking about?"
"Don’t worry about it."
So I just followed (carried) Twilight to all the things she should be overseeing. Cadance, as she likes to be called according to Twilight. And then Cadance would happen to show up and do something apparently out of character. In all honesty, given how nice Twilight made her old foalsitter out to be, I am kind of surprised that she was being so rude or backhandedly an asshole. I would chalk that up to it being that time of the month, but ponies go into heat and don’t bleed once a month. It got bad because nobody really noticed aside from me and Twilight.
You know, she kind of acted like Chrysalis when I first met her. Except a bit more bitchy.
So it was around time for the practice wedding, and Twilight came bursting through the doors, proclaiming that Cadance was evil. Cadance ran out crying about her perfect day being ruined. Then we all left, except me. I simply patted Twilight on the back. The two of us sat in silence, Twilight was crying her eyes out into my shoulder. Cadance came back around Twilight and began to apologize, only to be swallowed up in green fire and dragged into the floor.
"Holy…"
"Do not take this the wrong way, Bob. I like you, I really do." Cadance was engulfed in a familiar green flame for a moment.
"Oh hey, Chrysalis. Did you just murder Twilight?" Yeah, I’m such a good friend. I watch my friend possibly die, and I can’t be bothered to sound scared or concerned for them.
"She is somewhere else. And I must send you to where I sent Twilight; I cannot have you jeopardize my plan." I was then promptly swallowed up in fire and landed on my ass.
"FUCK!" I broke my ass! Okay, not really, but my ass hurts. Twilight and another Cadance, probably the real one came running towards me. "Hey Twilight. I know what’s going on. I think an old friend of mine is doing something bumfuck retarded. So get me to her again, and I can probably talk her out of committing genocide."
"...You."
"Yeah, I know who’s posing as Pinky over here," I said, pointing to Cadance. "And I’m kind of surprised that she’s being an idiot right now; I thought she was smarter than this." Why is there an orchestra playing a wedding song in a minor key? Oh. Song magic. Cadance was singing what sounded like half of a song, while Chrysalis was probably singing the other half. We made it close to the exit until we managed to run into the bridesmaids. "Hey guys, just keep going ahead. I have a solution."
"But don’t we need you to ‘talk’ to Cadance’s imposter?"
I threw rocks at two of the bridesmaids and then noticed something important.I recognised one of them as Lyra. So I grabbed her, flipped her on her back, and pinched a spot on her neck. Boom, she’s sleeping. Actually, I just rubbed the fuck out of her belly, and she was just lying, twitching a leg, in pure bliss. I'm not that knowledgeable in pony pressure points.
When we finally got up to the cathedral, where the wedding was taking place, Twilight burst in, Cadance announced herself, and I just calmly walked right up to the fake Cadance. "Hey Chrysalis," I booped her on the nose. "Call off the plan, I have an idea."
"Bob, my plan isn’t compromised."
"You’re going to get yourself and every single changeling in your Hive killed, Chrysalis." Chrysalis then dropped her disguise. Celestia got ready to open up a can of whoopass. "Oi bitch," I glanced at Celestia. "Get your teets out of a twist, Sunny Ass. This nation is built on love and peace, right? Friendship, acceptance, all that fun shit, right? Get your racist ass in check, and let’s resolve this peacefully, alright?"
"Bob, that is a changeling."
"Yeah. I happen to be pretty good friends with some changelings. I know they need love to live, and I also know that there are ways to peacefully give out love. They could easily take any criminals you’ve got and forcefully drain them of love to sustain themselves." I glanced at Chrysalis. "And you are doing this? I thought you were smarter than this. This is fucking suicide for your Hive; Celestia, if she wanted to, could hold you ransom and commit genocide on your Hive, Chrysalis. I know you guys aren’t super well off, but there are much, much smarter options than storming the capital of the most powerful nation on the planet."
"I asked for help before and never received it."
"Well, guess the fuck what?" I glanced between the Queen and the Princess. "We’re all going to hold this wedding off for now. Then, we’ll go to a meeting room, and discuss politics and prevent massive amounts of death. I’m a friend to the changelings, and I don’t fully hate ponies despite how racist they all are. And if none of you guys listen, I will get you both drunk, and it will end with one of you dead, or both of you happily married. So call the wedding off, Celestia."
"You aren’t one to be ordering me around, young man."
"I’m a human being, we can be very dangerous, your highness. I see you eyeballing cannons I’ve made for you."
"I was going to say I have a thing for a stallion that is willing to give me , of all ponies, orders. My apologies to everypony, but the wedding will be postponed until further notice." Celestia glared at Chrysalis-
"Curve that racism, Celly." Celestia sighed.
"Let us discuss the terms and conditions for peace, okay, Queen Chrysalis?"
I side-eyed the Queen.
"Bob, you have to have balls of steel if you think ordering me around is wise…" Chrysalis nuzzled me. "You are lucky the two of us are friends. Let the negotiations commence, Celly ." The two of them and I sauntered off. And Cadance and a very dizzy Shining Armor followed us as well.
Overall, this past week went well. I went through about three bottles of booze during the meetings.
Author's Note
And thus the peace treaties are underway!
Sitting in this meeting room is like a Mexican standoff. On one side of the table, Luna(yay, I am so glad to see you), Celestia, Shining Armor and Cadance sat. On the other, I was sitting next across from Celestia while Chrysalis was trying to climb on my lap. “No Chrysalis, bad.” I was not letting anyone lay in my lap, not Cadance, not Celestia, not Chrysalis. And Luna can stick her head in a meat grinder. “You almost committed genocide, you don’t get to lay in my lap.” I wagged a finger in front of her.
“Bob, I am not a dog. I can do as I please; I’m a Queen after all.”
“And I don’t believe in royalty, Chrysalis. I’m your friend simply because you’re one of the few people that treats me like a person. I’m not doing this just for you though. I don’t want there to be a genocide on either side of this conflict. Equestria is more than capable of ripping apart your Hive, Chryssy. And, while Equestria isn’t as powerful without the Elements, they also have a lot of military might backing them. I don’t have all fucking day, or all year, so swallow your god damn pride, apologize to the people you’ve wronged, and work with these people for a better future.”
“But-” I slapped Chrysalis in the face. “W-what?” Everyone in the room looked shocked. Oh yeah, for some stupid fucking reason, Twilight and her friends were allowed to be an audience to this whole thing.
“What the fuck did I get done saying? No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Fucking start negotiating. I don’t give a damn about your pride, I don’t care if you’re a Queen,” Chrysalis was rubbing her cheek while I shouted at her. I turned to the Equestrians in the room. “And don’t fucking think I’m leaving you retards unscathed either. Actually listen to Chrysalis, work through any terms she has for peace, and if you have a counter argument, it better be good. Yeah, she ruined your wedding, mind controlled one of you, and stuck two of you in some dark, spooky caves. But that is for personal vendettas, not politics. If anyone brings up what happens at the wedding, I will castrate you if you’re a guy, or just hit you in the face if you’re a girl.” Luna opened her mouth. “Shut the fuck up, Luna.”
“But-”
“I don’t wanna hear it. Now, I am going to go get alcohol so I can sit through this meeting without killing myself. If I don’t come back to you guys actually talking about something other than peace, terms and conditions for said peace, or reasonable arguments for said terms and conditions, then I’m slapping some bitches. These hands aren’t just for petting and scratching, after all.” I got up. “Aight, B.R.B!” I happily walked out and Twilight was quick to follow me.
“So is that who your roommate was?” Twilight’s disgust was palpable.
“No. One of her subjects is a roommate of mine. I kinda know how changelings changeling, and I know that, despite how scary they might look, they’re big softies that will be loyal to you if you give them a reason. No matter what, that changeling came through for me when I needed it. When I was depressed. After I was raped , he was there helping me feel better. I love changelings; they even helped build my house. So having them all wiped out would fucking suck. Just ignoring my personal interests, they can be very useful. Many of them have a wide range of skills that help them fit in, but they are also incredibly efficient with those skills. Just the changeling I’m talking about? He picked up on whatever human science that I could teach him pretty quickly, and even helped me experiment or build whatever I had in mind. They could be excellent spies due to their shapeshifting abilities too. On occasion, whenever you guys come in, Gengar, my changeling, is often hiding in plain sight in front of you without anyone noticing he’s even there.”
“But how are you friends with Chrysalis?”
“I rubbed her belly, she built me a house. I then massaged her a couple times after that.”
“Well… your belly rubs are a good argument for being friends with you. But how-”
“Chrysalis is actually pretty sweet when you get to know her. Like she got news of what Luna did to me. And Chrysalis immediately stopped by and made sure I was safe, and stuck around in case Luna showed up. Chrysalis, without a lot of love to fuel her, wouldn’t be able to fend off Luna. Chrysalis was putting herself on the line for me in order to keep me safe. And while she may not think it, what I’m trying to get done is what’s best for her . Her Hive will flourish if allied with Equestria, and she won’t possibly get killed for the mistakes she’s made today. Chrysalis is probably my best friend, Twilight. I’m sticking my neck out for her because that’s just what I do; I repay any kindness shown my way.”
Twilight just stood there agape.
“Now, let’s get back to the meeting. I just wanted to see if Cadance or Shining Armor would try something stupid.” We walked back in, and Chrysalis and Cadance were actually having a civil discussion over love.
“So your kind… needs love and you chose to use my wedding to get more of it?”
“Of course. I didn’t believe Equestria would help me after all my attempts to receive help were ignored. I gave up around two hundred years ago.”
“So that’s what those letters… Queen Chrysalis, had I known-”
“It is in the past now, Celestia. As Bob said, let us work for a better solution.”
“Glad to see y’all are being adults.” I plopped down next to Chrysalis and this time, let her climb up onto my lap after she shrunk herself down to about Twilight’s size. “So, are you guys going to begin discussing a treaty of some sort? I would like to be able to hang out with either Celly or Chryssy without possibly committing treason to either of their countries, y’know?”
“We were just about to begin discussing that. I believe Celestia offered to send prisoners she has out to my Hive, in exchange for any prisoners I may have, and then we can use those prisoners to gain more love from. Apparently Equestria has hundreds, if not thousands of criminals. Just a mere hundred would be enough to feed my Hive.”
“Coolio. Cadence didn’t make any off-handed remarks, right?”
“She made one. But then we began talking about the importance of love. We have different views, given that it’s a food source for me, but we do both value love. And that is something we might bond over shoulder Cadance ever forgive me for what I’ve done to her and her mate.” Chrysalis turned to said pink pony. “I would also like to apologize for what I have done to you. I was merely desperate to feed my people, all of whom happen to be my children. Bob is able to feed a sizeable amount of changelings by just petting them, but only one changeling in the whole Hive was given the privilege to receive such a luxury. The rest of them go hungry unless Bob needs something built, like a greenhouse.”
“I… I can tell how skinny you are-” a black blur broke through the window.
“Bob! Is- oh thank Chrysalis you’re alright!” Gengar stopped and looked at the Equestrian leaders in the room. “Oh…”
Luna’s horn lit up. “You hurt him, and I will build a nuke, Luna. I will set it off in the middle of Canterlot; you touch my ‘ling, and I kill everyone in Canterlot with a human invention that harnesses the same shit that powers your sister’s pet ball of gas. Do not fucking test me on this .” I looked down at Chrysalis. “I know you wanted to lay in my lap, but can I hold Gengar? I’ll rub your belly later if you do!”
“Hmmm. You are lucky that you make such a good argument. Gengar, you may claim your human’s lap if you desire.” Gengar did as such.
“So, you knew about this?” Gengar nodded. “You weren’t allowed to tell me, right?” Gengar’s ears flattened. “Meh. I’m still alive, which is a shame, but I’m here.” I started idly petting Gengar as the treaty was discussed…
Sike! You thought that things would go over that easily? No. Everything that I just told you, after I walked back in, was a lie. Everything before I walked out happened, and everything went to shit from there.
No, Cadance had Chrysalis in a headlock when I walked back in. I facepalmed so hard that I got brain damage. Like bro, if all I said had actually happened, I’d be at home by now! Celestia was just beating her head into the side of a wall while Luna just kept creepily staring at me. So I just walked over to Cadance, literally kicked her in the ass, and then slapped Chrysalis across the face. “How the fuck-“
“Cadance called me ugly!”
“Because you are!”
“I…” I started massaging my temples. “Please tell me, Celestia-“
“We were just about to begin discussing the peace treaty and then Cadance made an off hoof remark about how Chrysalis looked ugly because you can see her skeleton through her carapace.”
“Cadance… You do understand that that’s a sign of starvation, right? Chrysalis doesn’t want to look starved, or be considered ugly because she doesn’t have a stable source of fucking food . And before you argue with me over this, Chrysalis looks cooler than you do. But that’s besides the point. You’re a Princess, right? Crown, wings and horn? Princess. You should not be calling somebody fat or insulting somebody. That's a good way to start a war, Cadance.
“And Chrysalis, you should have-“
“She said my children should starve, Bob. She didn't just insult my appearance, she insulted my entire race and said that they should starve to death. That is why I lashed out at her.”
I looked at Celestia.
“She speaks the truth.”
“Cadance, what the actual fuck? Princess of Love right? How about you actually show love to everything that has a pulse? Yeah, Chrysalis crossed you, but…” I groaned. “I know you’re technically a ruler, Cadance, but do me a favor and go fuck yourself. All you’re doing is prolonging the negotiations and possible peace and making things worse for everyone involved. I don’t give a fuck, you ruin this, I will kill you. So either take your plaything and go fuck or some shit, or shut your ass up and don’t open your god damn, stupid, worthless mouth.”
“Bob! You don’t speak to a Princess like that!” Rarity shouted.
“Yeah! How are you even on Chrysalis’s-”
“Who was the only fucking creature in this room to not be fucking racist towards me?” I pointed a finger at Chrysalis. “She is. Chrysalis, can you admit that you done fucked up?” Everyone looked a tiny bit ashamed. “Also not letting a race of people starve seems like a good idea. Especially when that race of people happens to really like me for some reason.”
“I will admit that invading Canterlot, looking back on it now, was not the brightest of moves. Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, I would like to apologize to you and your groom. But please understand that food is quite unstable amongst my kind, and I know that my apology is falling upon deaf ears, but know my motives were not of ill intent; I need to feed my people, my children.” Everyone blinked a couple times, some of them seem shocked.
“Celestia, can you and Chrysalis go into a sideroom and go work out a treaty? Nothing will get done if somebody that’s clearly not experienced with this shit is handling it. You and Chrysalis are old and probably know your ways around peacefully talking, right?”
“That will be easy. The two of us were lovers at one point… then Celestia found out I was what I am.” Chrysalis gave Celestia a cheeky grin. “Perhaps we can live our younger days when all of this is over? I would not be opposed to dating again.”
“We will have to wait and see Chrysalis. I will be back, my little ponies and Bob.” Celestia got up, Chrysalis followed suit, and they were about to walk out the room. I swear I saw Chrysalis sneak a kiss or two from Celestia... They’re gonna be busy later.
“Also, Luna, if you touch Bob, I will kill you. I’m still running on all the love Shining Armor gave me, and I am more than capable,” Chrysalis growled. “And Bob, you owe me a belly rub for ordering me around.” With that, the two of them were gone.
“Aight, cool. Cadance, nice meeting you. I get you probably don’t usually act like this; you’re pissed and I get that. But letting an entire race of people starve to death because their leader does something stupid, that happens to harm you, is pretty terrible. So I’m gonna go find my changeling, hopefully he isn’t here, and I’m going to go ahead and get some shuteye. See y’all tomorrow!”
“Bob, how do we know you’re not a changeling?” Rainbow asked.
“Changelings can bleed, and their blood is green,” I grabbed the nearest sharp object. “Why is there a fork in a meeting room… But I don’t think Chrysalis would let one of her drones slap her. She cares about her subjects, they’re her god damn children, but she clearly likes to have some sort of power over them. Then again, due to how changelings are wired in the head, that makes sense since the Queen often comes first…” I threw the fork. “But Rainbow, if you need to know if I’m real or not, cool. Like it matters; if I were one or not, you probably just want a reason to kick me in the face.”
With that said, I left to go find my room, only to remember that I was never given one… if I was, I probably don’t remember. So I just wandered around aimlessly until I found myself a bench to sit on, possibly shit on, and then promptly sleep on. I sighed in relief; finally free from that stupid, hoard of bullshit! I reclined slightly. Then somebody sat their ass on my bench.
“Hello, Bob…” God dammit all.
“Hello, Moonbutt. The fuck are you here for?”
“I wanted to talk.”
“Cool. The last time you talked to me, I ended up in a very compromising position-“
“I wanted to ask this… Why did you paint me as the villain? I heard you moan in delight-“
“Luna, are you psychotic?”
“Heavens no! I was going to apologize to you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have tried opening up the first conversation I’ve had with you with such a horrible joke. Especially... When that joke is about the horrible thing I’ve done to you. Truly, back in my time, sex came first, then marriage and then love. The goal back then was to just pop foals out and go for it. So your letter… Look, I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven, but I hope that, at some point, you can at least forgive me.”
“Lemme guess. In my time, what I wrote must’ve been like a love letter?” Luna nodded. “You… Luna, I do not forgive you. If you just came and forced yourself on me, sure, I’d maybe forgive you. But I was begging you to stop. I was crying, Luna. I was scared for my fucking life, Luna. You kept on going! I know you were anti-social or whatever, I had to explain fun to you after all, but that’s a new level of just not understanding how people, or ponies, work.”
“I know…And I’m not even allowed to be talking to you.” Luna spread a wing. “Can we at least… try to move past this? Just pretend this never happened? Adjusting to a newer time… is hard. I’m sure you can relate, can’t you? Being stuck in what is essentially an alien world and being forced to adjust? My archaic beliefs got me to think that what I did to you was okay! I-I… I don’t care if I lose my crown, I do not care if I have to go public with this Bob. I just want my friend back. You’re my first friend… And I ruined our friendship by being such an idiot!”
“Luna,” I cupped her cheek in a hand, before making her face me. She was crying. She looked… Actually pretty upset over what happened. That’s surprising given how she was acting just after doing... what she had done to me. And also despite her you know, not being on the receiving end of what happened. “I don’t think I can, or ever will forgive you for what you did. You’ve hurt me in a way that is unhealable. I… I know it’s hard to adjust to a world that’s so familiar yet different. I would, honestly say, I loved having you as a friend when we were friends.
“You will have to work damn hard to prove that we should be friends again. That I should consider forgetting this, and move on. I won’t be your friend, not anytime soon, but I won’t be openly hostile with you, Luna. If you can prove that you have changed and not mentally fucked up in the head, cool. If not, then… Good luck getting me to even talk to you.”
“Okay Bob… Can you-“
“I’m not petting you. That’s reserved for ponies I am friends with. Good day to you, Princess.” Luna just sat there in silence as I walked away. If I turned around, I’d probably see a crying mare, and find it incredibly hard not to forgive her. So I wouldn’t and won’t ever turn around to face her; I still don’t want Luna back in my life just yet. Not after what she had done to me. She spilt blood that can never be put back.
Don’t expect any sympathy from me, Luna.
Author's Note
should I find some way to redeem Luna? Personally, I’m leaning to ‘no’.
The Second Bridge Burnt Down Today
So today started out to be a bit abnormal, for instance, Luna sent me a box of chocolate along with a letter saying she isn’t sure how to truly atone for what she did. Blah, blah, blah, she’s going to make strides to earn my trust and friendship again. It was an effort, and I could never really fault anyone for making an effort for trying to make things up for me. Then again she did… do that to me. Though life would be easier if I didn’t have to spend a majority of it hating somebody; people can change, and if Luna wants to change for the better, I won’t stop her. And if nothing else, it was free chocolate, all of which went to Gengar since I wasn’t a fan of how the first one tasted.
Another thing, my house became a changeling construction sight, since it’s been roughly two weeks since the Royal Wedding. And now, since Chrysalis didn’t need the bughorse-power to invade a country and overthrow its rulers, she could send them to start working on my greenhouse. The lings would take turns working, taking breaks, and hanging out inside my house. Was I complaining? No, not really. They were building my home out in the summer heat, and they were pitch black, and very sun absorbent. So of course I let them come in, get a glass of ice, cold water, and I’d rub a changeling’s belly on occasion.
The problem is, now Chrysalis is here. And she was sitting across from me, in the living room, staring at me. “Don’t you dare, Bob. You will pay if you do that again,” she snarled. Of course, me being the idiot that I am, paid no heed to this warning. So I booped the Queen on the nose, but before she could snap at my finger, I slipped my hand under her chin and started scratching at it. “You know what? I fully retract that statement, you may commence with what you were doing,” she purred, and even hopped into my lap just to make it easier to scratch the back of her neck. “I knew this was why I listened to you during the Royal Wedding; if I angered you, you probably would not do this.”
“And also because I would've thrown these hands in your face because you’d get everybody in your Hive killed, yourself included. I love you, Chrysalis, so I gave you some tough love, and made you try to negotiate rather than have you genocide ponies. As much as I don’t like ponies; they all hate me, I am also a fan of not having an entire race get wiped out, enslaved, whatever the hell you were doing.” Chrysalis laid her head on my neck. “You’re enjoying this way too much.”
“It’s your fault for having paws that are absolutely wonderful for getting at spots that my fangs cannot reach, like the back of my neck.” Chrysalis sighed. “How has Gengar been? I have not seen him around recently.”
“Hey Bob!” Gengar poked his head from upstairs. “I made a painting,” his horn lit up, and said painting floated down beside his cute, little face. “What do you think?” The painting itself was… that of a changeling, holding up a heart on an opera stage. It was… strangely very detailed, and the colors were immaculate. It was… really nice actually. “Once it dries, can I hang it up in the living room?” I gave the thumbs up. “Thank you! And also, hi Queen Chrysalis! Thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me to Bob! This is the best thing you’ve ever done for me!” Gengar skedaddled back upstairs, likely to let his painting dry while he worked on the next one.
“I’ve been giving him a lot more freedom. If I don’t need him, he can do whatever he wants, hobbies included. It makes him happy, and his smile’s adorable, so I let him do whatever in his free time. Which is pretty much all the time; when he helps me out, he’s doing it on his own volition. All he really does is housesit, and maybe a few chores I forgot to do, or was too lazy to do at any particular moment. And… Please don’t punish him for that; I like Gengar.”
“...Why would I do that? I gave him to you, and while he is still my subject, he is yours to command. If you wish to give him some space, then that’s what you’re doing with him. I… did not know Gengar liked to paint.”
“Then again, can you track all of your subjects and remember all their personal interests?”
“No, I suppose not. It does make me feel a little bad, but such is life.” She leaned back. “And I suppose that this is a life where I happily lay in the lap of an alien and get petted like a common house pet.” Chrysalis rested her head on my arm, while also holding said arm close with her forelegs. “And I am not complaining at all.” She let out a long, slow breath, like she was getting ready to take a nap. So I was prepared to remain still for a few hours. Of course, because our lives are terrible, the door slammed open, and Twilight and her friends rushed in.
“Bob, are you alright? Rainbow… say your house…What the buck is going on here?” Twilight’s magic fizzled out as she watched me, since my chair was basically in full view of the door, with a Queen laying in my lap like a dog. One of her hind legs was hanging off one of the armrests, a foreleg was hanging to the side, her head laying on one of my arms, and her tail was curled over the side of her belly. Oh, and she had her side pressed into the side of my stomach. One of Chryssy’s eyes opened slightly, so she pulled out a pair of earplugs from… somewhere, and promptly inserted them into… her ear holes-where the fuck else would they go?-before closing that one eye and nuzzling my cheek before falling asleep again.
It was kinda cute, so I scratched the back of Chryssy’s head. Rainbow was the first to speak. “Bob, didn’t you notice the changelings building something outside of your house? Aren’t you worried about what they’re doing?” One of Chrysalis’s ears flicked at that. I don’t think she put the earplugs in all the way. “For all we know, since you live so far away from Ponyville, they could be making something to torture you, and nopony would notice.”
“Actually, those changelings are helping me. Chrysalis is having a greenhouse be built for me; something that lets me grow crops year-round. I’m having it built because I want to go into Ponyville even less than I already do. Aside from you guys, I only see myself wanting to go into town for food. Given how you ponies actually charge me higher prices for crops, or whatever the fuck else I’m buying, I’m trying to minigate how much I’m going out. I know Ponyville doesn’t like me, so I’m doing my best to stay out of Ponyville.” A changeling snuck past the Elements, walked over to the kitchen, and came out with a bottle of water that was sitting on ice for her. “C’mere, buddy,” the drone nodded.
She got patted on the back of the head by my free arm. “This is nice…” She sighed. “The greenhouse should be done by tomorrow. Well, the building part. The way you’re keeping the inside warm, and perfect for growing crops year-round, is genius. But it’s going to take another few days, after the building is done, to put everything into place. Can… I grow some peppers in it? I’ve always wanted to take up gardening.”
“I said I’d let you ‘lings use the greenhouse, or take crops at your own leisure. The fuckin’ thing’s huge, judging from what it looks like from inside my home. All I want is some corn, maybe some apples and green beans. If you wanna grow some bell peppers, or any type of peppers, then be my guest,” I scratched under the drone’s jaw. “You are more than welcome to do whatever you want in the greenhouse, Echo.” Yeah, aside from Gengar, Echo has to be my favorite changeling. She’s straight up, the cutest little thing ever, is actually shorter than the average changeling, which makes her the perfect lap changeling, and she still hauls her weight around just as well as her fellow drones. Echo took to the air, hugged my head, before laying on the couch to take her break.
That’s usually where she sleeps by the way. Gengar refuses to share the bed, which was me, with Echo; he’s not one for sharing the human with anything other than Chrysalis.
Twilight’s hoof came down with a crash, which was so loud it even made the Queen in my lap jolt up. “Bob, what the buck? Do you know what these changelings were doing a week ago? That thing in your lap mind controlled my brother and foalnapped my old foalsitter! Do you not take that into consideration when you’re bucking holding it like you’d hold me? Or one of my friends? What if that thing hurt Venice? Or Even Golden Arrow? What would you do then?”
“I would stop talking to Chrysalis after probably yelling at her for kidnapping a literal child. What Chrysalis did was fucked up, but from what I’ve seen, before that invasion, she was literally starving to death along with her whole country. She was trying to find a means to an end even if it wasn’t the best solution. Chrysalis is why I have this house, Chrysalis is why I’ll be able to grow my own food and stay out of a town that fucking hates me. She was literally starving to death, and offered to build me a house, free of charge, simply because she considered me a friend.” I sighed. “Twilight, you’re probably my best friend, and I get that Chrysalis done-fucked-up, but if you’re gonna say I’m a shitty person for hanging out with somebody that was desperate, that you happen to hate, you can go fuck yourself.” I patted Chrysalis’s side. “Lemme up Chryssy, I gotta make lunch anyways.”
Of course, when I went into the kitchen, Twilight and her friends followed suit. “So why did you guys come over here, aside from being racist towards changelings?”
Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “Well… We mostly came over because we thought you were about to get kidnapped… Sorry about getting mad at you over being friends with that… thing. I just don’t like it.”
“That thing has a name, Twilight. That thing, tried to to keep me safe after Luna forced herself on me. That changeling is my friend. Call her Chrysalis, show her some respect and call her a Queen if she’s inclined to that. I do my best to show your friends some respect, so show mine some. Stop being a racist, fucking bigot, and fucking move on. Stop sticking in shit that dropped a week ago. Now tell me, why are you ladies still here? If you wanna stick around for lunch, feel free, but you best not openly insult Chrysalis.”
“Well… I for one, wouldn’t pass up on your cooking,” Rarity hummed. That’s when Chrysalis stuck her head in the kitchen.
“Bob, I am taking my drones back to the Hive for the day; it’s getting too hot for my drones, and I would like to not have my children have heat stroke. And it appears,” the Queen glared at Twilight. “That I am unwanted here, so I will also be returning to the Hive. if Echo wishes, and if you are fine with it, you can keep her here for the night, or forever if you’re inclined. You may not know it, but she probably has a crush on you…” She grinned as Echo groaned ‘Mom’ from the couch. “Farewell, Bob, the Greenhouse itself should be done by tomorrow morning, and then my drones will begin working on the mechanisms for it.” Chrysalis slunk out, and after a glance out the window, the drones and Chrysalis were already flying off into the sky.
“Damn, welp. Might as well begin cooking,” I opened the fridge and hummed. There was some pudding in it, but that really isn’t a meal. “Son of a bitch,” I sighed. “I forgot to go buy shit after the wedding…” I facepalmed. “God, this is also why I want that greenhouse,” I walked on out of the kitchen. “Well, I’m gonna go into Ponyville and just buy lunch from somewhere. Y’all wanna come along? I’ll also be shopping so I can put more food in the fridge while I’m out.”
“Well, we should also spend more time with you,” Rainbow wrapped a foreleg around my neck, while being in the air. “So I’ve been thinking of an awesome idea,” the pegasus let go of me as I knelt down to put some shoes on. “You’re able to ride ponies, and we’re capable of holding you. What if we had a rodeo competition? It would get ponies to warm up to you, and you would have some fun!” I tapped my chin midway through putting a shoe on. “Well? It would be awesome!”
“Meh, fuck it. Sure.” I said without really thinking. I just didn’t care about whatever the fuck Rainbow was on about. “We’re gonna stop at Venice’s place before we get lunch by the way. It’s been a minute, and I wanna invite her along for the ride.” I slipped my other shoe on and we were on our way. “So, I wanna get some advice,” I fell into line beside Twilight. The unicorn looked up at me. “So after the negotiations with Chrysalis and Celly, Luna followed me and talked to me. She kinda asked me for forgiveness, and even sent me a box of chocolate about a couple of days after I got home from the Wedding. Should I forgive her?”
“You… want to forgive Princess Luna?” Twilight’s eyes narrowed at me. “Are you ‘on drugs’?” We both smirked; she picked that one up from me.
I shrugged. “I want to put what she did behind us. When she was my friend, she was fun to hangout with… it’s just hard to look past her actions. And is it wrong of me to not want to hold a grudge? I already figured life would suck if I stayed mad at you and your friends, mainly your friends, life would suck a lot, actually. I don’t want to spend my life hating somebody, and I… Don’t want to hate Luna.” I scratched the back of my head. “And I know you’re older than I am, so you probably have better advice for me than I do.”
Twilight sighed. “There is no ‘good advice’ for something like this. I personally believe you shouldn’t forgive Luna, but I won’t stop you if you believe forgiving her is worth it.” Luckily, the walk to Ponyville from my home was way quicker than we expected, and some of our other friends were getting closer to us. So it was probably wise to not keep talking about it. Well, Twilight did, but I don’t want the rest of her friends to hear it. I don’t trust them at all, not after that Rainbow incident. Sure, I don't outright hate them, but I don’t trust them at all with stuff like this.
I hear them talking shit.
Anyways, when we got to Venice’s home, I knocked on the door a couple of times. Shortly after, the mare herself walked out, and cheerfully waved at me. “Hello, Bob. How are you doing today-oh!-what the hay are you doing?” I scooped the mare up, and held her in my arms like a baby. She was… actually not that heavy, what the fuck? Meh, not gonna question it. “Bob, I’m excited to see you too, but please warn me when you’re going to pick me up before you do it!”
“But you’re a cute mare, and your belly needs a rubbing before we fill it up with a hayburger or two.” I started to idly rub her chest. “See?” Venice purred a little.
“...I suppose I’ll have to join you for lunch then, but please put me down. I don’t mind laying in your lap, or being carried like this. It’s quite nice, actually, but everypony is staring at us; I don’t want them thinking you’re trying to kidnap and rape me. You don’t deserve that kind of reputation.”
“But… yeah, you’re right.” I sighed and set Venice on the ground, she rubbed up against my leg, before walking relatively close to me. “So, how’s Golden doing? It’s been a minute since I’ve seen that little rascal,” I hummed. “Bet he’s still doing good with his grades.”
“Oh he is! Though he mentioned how much more fun it is to have you in the School building, and… I’ve spoke with Ms. Cherilee recently,” oh boy. “She was hoping you’d take a job in her school and act as a tutor of sorts; she thinks you’re more educated than she is at times.” Wot. I raised an eyebrow. “I… May have told her who invented half of the new gadgets in her home and classroom. She’s wholeheartedly impressed that you, at your age, had made them.” Venice shrugged. “I know you probably don’t need any money, but just imagine being able to help foals learn! I bet you find them adorable, and thus enjoy working with them.”
I tapped my chin. That is a good argument. Foals are cute. “Meh, fuck it. Tell Cherilee to meet me at my home tomorrow, whenever she’s free, and we’ll talk. I honestly need something to do, now that ‘inventing’ stuff is getting harder; I just don’t have the technical skill to build anything more complex than what I’ve built.” Anyways, lunch and shopping went over pretty quickly. Despite what Venice said, she decided to lay in my lap during lunch. Also, because of Rainbow Dash, the lunch really didn’t go over smoothly. You wanna know why? So there we were, in a hayburger. I was paying because I was rich, and also just wanted to treat my friends(mainly Twilight and Venice). After we all ordered, I led us to a booth by the window while we waited for our food to be carried out to us.
As stated earlier, Venice laid down in my lap, while we were waiting. “So Bob,” Rainbow had the straw for her drink in her mouth when she called my name. “How do we truly know that you aren’t being mind controlled by that big bug?” Venice’s head slowly turned to me. In fact, that got everyone’s attention. Everyone in the whole fucking restaurant, actually. Because Rainbow had to say that as loudly as possible. “You know, the Changeling Queen?” Of course, Rainbow didn’t catch the hint that I wanted to drop the conversation, so she kept on bugging me.
“Wait, as in the Queen of the Changelings? The one that raided Canterlot?” Venice asked.
I nodded. “Yuh. Queen Chrysalis, or Chryssy if you’re me. Her whole Hive was starving, and Chrysalis is the adoptive, and possibly biological, mother of every single changeling in that Hive. So, out of desperation, or sheer stupidity, Chryssy figured that she should invade Canterlot because Celestia once denied her country of provisions before. Luckily, I slapped both of them in the face enough to get some sense into their thick, stubborn skulls. Seriously, I know ponies are related to donkeys in terms of evolution, but y’all could be a little less stubborn than donkeys? Anyways, Chrysalis has publicly apologized for what she did to Canterlot, and to Princess Cadance and Shining Armor… Even if those last two were definitely not receptive to said apology. You wanna meet her?”
Venice hummed. “Well, if you’re friends with the Queen, she can’t be too bad. You said she did that because her children were starving?” I nodded. “As a fellow mother, I can see the reasoning behind it; I would fight to the death for Golden if I had to. If you could introduce us, I wouldn’t be opposed to talking with her.”
Rainbow’s hoof made every glass on the table ‘ding’. “Get to the point, Bob. is Chrysalis mind controlling you?”
“Rainbow, I chat with Celestia on a weekly basis. If I were being mind controlled, and Chrysalis considered Celestia public enemy number one, she could’ve had me poison Celestia’s tea or some shit. No, she knew why Celestia was coming to visit me, and was happy about me seeking help. I know your opinion of me isn’t very high, but can you quit fucking looking for excuses to kick me out of your little friend group?” I sighed. “And that’s me being generous about that; don’t think I don’t occasionally hear you guys talking shit about me when you think I can’t hear you asshats.”
Rainbow looked a bit shocked. “W-what?”
“Rarity said I was a creep for constantly petting Venice, when Venice fucking asked for an ear scratch on the way here. I’m human, my ears are damn near worthless compared to a pony’s, but I’m not deaf.” I threw my head back. Luckily the conversation was cut short when our food was brought out to us. Man… Still weird, not the fries, the burger, just weird. It tasted good, but the burger’s texture was off, and the fries… I couldn’t really eat those. Despite what the name implies, hayburgers were made out of beans, to make them better for protein as hay basically has no nutritional value. The fries were just made out of hay. The drink… a lot of places had picked up Sparkles after Pinkie started selling some, though Apple’s variant of that shit was more popular than the regular version.
So I had apple Sparkles.
Venice had sat up so she wouldn’t get in the way of me eating, and to eat her own food. The mare sighed as her ears twitched. “Bob, can you scratch my ears again? I think I caught some sort of tick; usually my ears aren’t this itchy.” Of course, I took the opportunity to scratch those adorable pony ears, and Venice sighed. When I was done, Venice shook her whole head like a dog. “Much better,” she relaxed a little.
“Bob,” Rarity spoke up. “It is a bit weird that you like hanging out with Venice so much. Are you certain you do not have any feelings for her? Your relationship with her went from cute to a bit creepy.” Wat. “No offense.” I blinked a couple of times, and I had a feeling the mare beside me was staring at Rarity with a similar expression, hers was just different because she was a horse, and I was a monkey.
“Bob, don’t even pay the bill, let everypony here pay their share. Pay for your meal, I’ll pay for mine. I’m not happy with these accusations made against you, and I’m certain you aren’t either.” Venice scoffed. “Seriously, there isn’t anything going between us beyond being good friends, Rarity. Aside from when he picked me up earlier, Bob doesn’t even touch me unless he knows I let him, and even then, I didn’t mind being held. But other ponies would think pretty lowly of Bob’s friendly little gesture. If I ask him to stop, he stops. He knows I’m not on the market, and I know he isn’t.” Venice sighed. “So much for a nice lunch out with some friends.” She got up. “Bob, are you coming?” I pulled my coin purse and dumped the whole thing on the table.
“There’s your meals paid for. So much for that second chance at getting on my good side, eh?” I ruffled Twilight’s main. “I’ll see you around Twi,” I climbed out of the booth. “Wish you all the best, but I think I’m done. Seriously, Rarity, go eat a dick. I doubt you will, since that’ll require actually being a decent marefriend, but I’m sure you got a rubber one you can chow down on.” Everyone at our table was shocked. Venice didn’t care; she was already out the door.
“Why you-”
Whatever Rarity had to say didn’t fucking matter at that moment. I found Venice shortly after, and we ended up eating a couple of sandwiches in her backyard, under a tree. It was quite nice, and then we went shopping so I wouldn’t have an empty fridge. Overall, I had a great time; I love two faced friends. Hell, I got to play with Golden Arrow after he got out of school; he’s still in love with that train set he got for his birthday.
That colt definitely brightened my mood.
I walked into the greenhouse that was just completed, with Chrysalis. I could see several sections for the few changelings who wanted to try gardening. Even Chrysalis had a section where she was growing daisies by the looks of things. I had my own section with stuff already planted, such as corn, apples, and whatnot. Each section was labeled and every pot had a label for what was being grown. And pots were generous, there were straight up fields in this thing. It was only a measly three or four times larger than my own house, which was already reasonably sized. I stared around before turning to Chrysalis. “So, I take it that you- oof!” Chrysalis squeaked when I wrapped my arms around her neck and hugged her as tightly as I could.
“Thank you, seriously, thank you Chrysalis.” I sighed. “Now I don’t have nearly as much of a reason to go into Ponyville; fuck that place.”
“I take that something cropped up?” I groaned at the pun.
“So you know that mare I was talking about, that I was hoping to have you meet at some point?” Chrysalis nodded. “I’m sure you know the Elements of Harmony, not by name, but you know which element is attached to who, right?” The Queen nodded again. “Yeah, one of them tried to say I was creeping on that mare for… scratching her ears, petting her, or just doing things I do to you. You don’t think I’m taking peeks at you when I'm petting you, or generally being a pervert, right?” Chrysalis shrugged.
“I just assumed that was how humans show affection for the most part.”
“Well, we don’t show affection to other humans with petting. Well, some people get aroused by that, but that’s entirely different. You like petting, I like petting you. You’re my friend, so I pat you on the back, head, pet you, scratch you, and anything else. Hell, I know I’ve given you a massage at some point. And you know, for a fact, that I don’t think of you as a mate or whatever, but rather a ‘mate’... I did explain that term to you before, right?”
“You humans sometimes like to use that as a term for a ‘best friend’ if I recall correctly. And yes, I do understand what you see me as, and I fully understand why you can’t ever see yourself being romantically involved… So you got called a pervert for being friendly with this “Venice Arrow’, and then you got mad?” Chrysalis hummed. “And those Elements were still speaking of you in an unpleasant manner, behind your back?” I nodded. “I fully see why you don’t wish to go into Ponyville that much. Gengar sometimes reports your purchases, it’s just something I asked him to do. Ponies are seriously charging you six bits for a pen?” I nodded. “Something you invented, and made to be as cheap as possible so they could be bought in bulk, is being sold to you for six bits. That is an actual scam, Bob.”
“Don’t I know it. I asked Filthy Rich, my manufacturer about that, and he said he can’t control his distributors, but is looking to open his own that doesn’t discriminate.” We walked around the greenhouse. I would pat a few ‘lings on the head, because most of the bugs in here were the ones who helped build the greenhouse. So I may as well pay them in their dose of their affection, and also some would grab my hand with their mouth and stare at me until I scratch them for more than a few minutes with the other hand. It was… Kinda cute. It was very cute, actually. I love changelings.
“You are still friends with Twilight Sparkle I am assuming?” I nodded.
“I like Twilight, and she actually treats me with respect. Fluttershy, or Kindness, isn’t too bad, and actually pretty nice too. We just don’t interact that much, so I can’t say we’re friends. Pinkie and Apple Jack are… we’re not exactly friends, but I am business partners with them. They still talk shit about me, but at least Apple has enough of a brain to treat me with respect when we talk business. Rarity and Rainbow… Fuck me, those two get on my nerves. Rainbow has the audacity to put one of her legs around my neck like we’re best friends. You can get away with it, Celestia gets away with laying a wing over me while we’re reading, Twilight and Venice can get away with it. Y’all get away with it because I genuinely love you guys and want to hangout with you.” I sighed. “It sucks. I don’t wanna hate somebody, that’s just a shitty way to live, but it’s hard to not hate two people, who have wronged me before.” I sat down on a bench, because yes, this building is so big, that you could legitimately have a small park in here, and have enough space for every single pony in Ponyville to be able to plant one thing for themselves.
Chrysalis took that moment to lay on the bench, partially on my lap, with her head resting on my shoulder. “You genuinely love me?’ She whispered.
“Yeah, Chryssy. You have the ability to sense what I’m feeling; you should know by now just how much I value having you as a friend. Regardless of what you can do for me, what you have done for me… I dunno how to repay you. You’ve… when Luna did what she did, you stuck around me despite how possible it was for Luna to show up again. Ignoring everything else you’ve done for me, that… that really means a lot, Chrysalis. Nobody just willingly sticks their neck out for just anyone; I you’re one of my best friends, and I love you.” I wrapped an arm around her neck. Chrysalis squeaked again. “D’aw, does the big, bad Queen like being loved?” I chuckled as said big, bad bug squeaked again, and nuzzled my cheek. “You cute bastard.” We sat there, just basking in the warmth of the greenhouse. Even if the sprinklers were making us kinda wet.
The next day, I was lazing about on the couch, holding a very sleepy Echo. She ‘escaped the Hive’ to hang out with me. And she chose to do that at three in the morning, so she was incredibly tired. Gengar was laying, with his head on my shoulder, glaring at the smaller changeling. Because, according to him, I am his human, and no other changeling should be allowed to touch me. Sitting across from me was Ms. Cherilee, who was helping herself to a warm cup of tea(the pot was still on the warming spot of the table). “It still surprises me as to what you’ve come up with,” she nudged the table. “Having a warmer for tea built into the table? You’re a brilliant fellow; it’s a shame nopony else wants to see past you for… what you are.”
“Nicely concealed racism.” I chuckled when Cherilee started stuttering through apologies. “It’s cool. You probably never had the chance to get acquainted with me since I’m a boring homebody that never went outside when I lived in Ponyville. And then I moved out here just to get away from ponies, so yeah. I get it,” I yawmed. “I’m surprised you haven’t accused me of being mind controlled by these guys,” I booped Echo on the nose when she lifted her head to let out the most adorable little yawn ever.
“If they were, then they’d be breaching some of the terms of the treaty their Queen signed; I like keeping myself educated on current events. And I don’t mind changelings; they’re just like us ponies, trying to get by in life. Just like how you are. I may have some beliefs that were drilled into my head as a filly, but I can look past those and see the qualities in everypony, or everyhuman. Anyways, I finally had some free time, so I figured I would come and ask you about being a tutor at my school. You clearly did something right if you managed to get Scootaloo to start being a straight A student.”
I chuckled. “That was for one day, and you know it. All I did was explain the work in whatever way I could to make it easier for her. Everyone learns differently, or slower or quicker than everyone else. For instance, Golden’s a brilliant little fellow, but Scootaloo is also brilliant despite her usual performance. She just isn’t learning in the way that’s best for her…” I shrugged. “That being said, yeah, I’m down to be a tutor. I need a more stable income than a bunch of shitty gadgets that might get improved upon by someone else. Plus it’s something to do; I’ve been having a lot of nothing to do with myself. Might as well use that as an opportunity to help somebody else out.” Cherilee clapped her hooves. “That is adorable; stop doing it before my heart burns to a crisp.”
Cherilee then let out a giggle and clapped her hooves. Now my heart is a crispy chicken nugget.
The next day, I woke up nice and early, brushed my teeth, and did everything I needed to do. I looked at myself in the mirror a couple of times. Man, my hair is starting to get a little long and out of control… Hey! I’m growing a mustache! Hell yeah! I always wanted a mustache and a cool beard! I chuckled at that very stupid, childish sentiment of mine, before making sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. With that said, I got on my bike, something Gengar had a hoof in helping me build, before zooming off to Cherilee’s schoolhouse. I took my seat off to the side of where everyone else sits, and waved at Cherilee. “You know, while we have time to kill before my students start showing up, can you scratch behind my ear? Venice said your hands are like magic at solving itches.”
I was more than willing to comply… don’t look at me, Cherilee’s unironically pretty adorable.
After thoroughly turning Cherilee into a pet addict, her students started to funnel into the building, one by one. Filthy Rich nodded to me, and I quickly got up to go chat with him while Cherilee did her attendance. “What’s up my dude?” I offered my hand, and Filthy smirked.
“I’ve been selling a lot of your inventions, and let me tell you, they’re selling like mad. You’ve got anything else?” I nodded.
“You know how my hands are good for getting itches?” Filthy nodded. “I made a stick, with a miniature version of my hands on one end. You can use it to get at itches; it won’t be anywhere near as good as me petting, but they do an awesome job at scratching your back. Stop by my place if you want to test out the prototype of iit.” Filthy’s grin got even wider. “I know, I am a creative genius. Wanna grab a beer at a bar later?”
“Of course I do! You’re welcome to visit me anytime; I know I’m your favorite business partner.”
“You, my friend, is very correct. Though I know you just like the jaw scratches I provide…” I whispered.
“...Okay, that is part of why you’re my favorite business partner,” Filthy nodded to me. “See to it that Diamond Tiara behaves; I’ve heard of how she treats others.” I nodded, and Filthy was off to do whatever the heck he usually does. Love that guy; genuinely one of the few ponies to not immediately judge me for what I am, but judged me for what I brought to the table. Also, the dude always buys drinks when we hangout, so he’s super cool. A proper lad if I do say so myself. I quickly took my seat off to the side, so Cherilee could begin her lecture on multiplication and division. For some reason, she didn’t use the standard method that humans use for it, and instead laid out the division in the same way as you would with any other equation. One number on top of the other.
Of course, most of the students were doing somewhat okay, with picking up on this method. “Ms. Cherilee, may I offer your students an easier way of doing division?” I raised my hand, and Cherilee tilted her head. “The way you’re doing it is needlessly more complicated than what I’m gonna show everyone,” I got out of my chair and made my way to the blackboard. I quickly set up the a division equation and started walking the whole class through the smart way of doing it. Then Diamond Tiara rose her hoof. “Yes Diamond?”
The filly smirked. “How do we know you’ll do this correctly?”
“...Do you want to fail the class later? Because how, no offense Cherilee, but the standard she was teaching you is genuinely harder and more confusing.” After that little hiccup, even Cherilee’s jaw was hanging from how much easier the human method was. I pulled out a calculator and punched in the numbers I put in. “And… boom, answer correct,” I looked back at the class. “Any questions, concerns?” Some kid wearing a beanie, he could not be older than eight, raised his hoof.
“Where’d you learn how to use that?”
“I dunno,” I went back to my little desk, to keep fiddling with a metronome I was trying to build. The rest of the morning portion of class went over smoothly, as they were just math and reading. Midway through, I started educating myself on the history of Equestria through a textbook, more specifically, the part of the textbook we were going to be going over after lunch and recess. A foal would occasionally come over and would ask me for help in the most timid, adorable way possible… Yeah, it turns out that most of the foals were just scared of me, didn’t outright hate me like Diamond Tiara and her little asshat of a friend did. So I had some kid sitting in my lap, while I walked them through the math problems that they were struggling with, and even told them a variety of ways to solve them, and even had the kid test each one. We found a method that worked best for them, and all of a sudden, boom they didn’t get a single question wrong.
After that kid nuzzled my cheek, I ruffled his mane, and sent him back to his seat now that he had the hang of what he was doing. Then Diamond Tiara came up, asked for help in the most entitled way possible, and then proceeded to actively get answers wrong despite any help I gave her. Cherilee walked over and nudged me promptly after that little shit turned her work in. “Did you actively make her fail her assignment?” The teacher asked.
“Diamond Tiara just hates me. She knew what the actual answers were, and despite my own reservations, I genuinely did try helping her, Cherilee. Kid’s just trying to get me fired on my first day.” I shrugged. “Can’t really prove that, but whatever. Am I going to get fired?” Cherilee just shook her head with a grin.
“Every single foal that has gone up to you, got every answer right. And given how Diamond Tiara seems to genuinely hate you, I believe you. So she’s simply going to get an F on this, or she can sit with you during recess, and you can ‘help’ her through this for a B.” So that’s what happened, I was sitting with Diamond Tiara in my lap, and she was staring down at the F on her assignment. She looked like she was genuinely about to cry. We sat there for a few minutes, before I spun her around and lifted her chin up with a finger.
“Are you alright? It’s only a bad grade?” Now I kinda feel bad. Great.
“N-no. What would my parents do if they saw that I failed at something so simple?” Oh. “My Mom would disown me!” Oh boy. “I-I-” She squawked when I started rubbing her jaw.
“I know you know how to do all of this, Diamond, so let’s redo all this assignment, alright? Nobody has to know, and I know that-”
“Why do you care? I’m just a ‘piece of shit’ according to you!” She removed her head from my hand.
“Kiddo, I don’t hate you. I think how you treat others is pretty shitty, but I don’t hate you. I would rather be friends with everyone, rather than enemies.” I shrugged. “And I would rather not have your mother yell at you; I don’t think your dad would mind nearly as much, but your mother sounds like a real bitch. So let’s do what we can to appease her, academically, and you can continue hating me, alright? Because now, I just feel bad about being kinda mean to you, and I feel how you’re feeling. My parents used to straight up cut me with a rusty knife if I brought home ‘below average’ grades.” Diamond’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I know a thing or two about shitty parents.”
“I-I didn’t know that’s what you went through.”
“Meh, it doesn’t matter; that’s all in the past for me.” Diamond Tiara eventually turned back to the clean assignment paper. As I suspected, she knew how to do everything on the assignment, and did it with ease while using Cherilee’s more traditional methods. Every time she got a right answer, I scratched behind her ears, which she ended up taking her tiara off in order to make it easier for me. By the time she was done, she was actually napping, in my arms, with her assignment fully done. The way her head was resting on my shoulder did, in fact, make me grin slightly. As it turns out, this kid’s actually really sweet, but is probably really misguided by her shithead of a mother.
Cherilee walked back into the school building, and saw our little display. She cooed at the scene, before deciding to extend recess for another hour.
The day after that, it was Saturday, so no school. Diamond Tiara popped by, almost immediately ran away at the sight of Gengar and Echo, who were cuddling on the couch together, until she realized what changelings were, and that they weren’t going to eat her. The filly was happily napping in my lap, with a happy little smile on her face, until somebody started pounding on my door as loudly as possible. The filly jumped, and ended up running towards Gengar and Echo for protection, which Echo went full mama-bear-mode and started glaring at the door for any potential threats on the other side of that door. I sighed, knowing that my peaceful Saturday was over, and went to open that stupid, stupid front door.
Rainbow Dash was on the other side. “Hey Bob!” She happily waved at me. “Ready for that rodeo we were talking about?” Wut. I blinked a couple of times and moved to close the door. Only for the asshat to stick her hoof in the door. “Wait! Why aren’t you hearing me out? I’m not the one who called you a creep yesterday!” I sighed, before reaching to remove her hoof from my door frame. “Bob? C’mon! I thought you hated holding grudges-“
“I hate holding them. Doesn’t mean I’ll fucking drop what happened in a little under two days, Rainbow Dash. I gave you another chance. I gave your friends another chance. The only one of you shitheads to actually treat me with respect is Twilight, and you expect me to be fine with hanging out with you fuckers because me and Twilight are buddies? I slowly started winding my hand up like an old car window before I ended up flipping Rainbow off.
“What does that mean?” She asked innocently. “You know what? Just come with me! You said you would join us in the rodeo, so stick to your word!” Rainbow was just smiling at me like a retard with several extra layers of stupid. “C’mon!”
“If I get hurt, I am going to give you an AC that only spews tear gas,” I facepalmed. “Hey Diamond, are you comfortable with-“ I turned around to… Echo happily playing with Diamond Tiara. “Gengar, make sure the house doesn’t burn down, I guess.” I sighed before stepping out and checking my mailbox. It was a letter with Luna’s seal. Of course, because Rainbow was saying nothing of value, I ended up reading it. It was mostly just Luna asking how my day was, along with a small chain necklace with her emblem on it… It was kinda neat.
I pocketed the necklace before I walked right into a crowd of ponies. The ‘buck the human’ contest. I stared at the sign… Ponies around me were making bets on which body part I would end up breaking. It even advertises me, the human, getting lethally injured by Rainbow Dash herself. “Thank you, everypony, for coming out here today!” Rainbow somehow got a hold of a megaphone. “Today we have Bob the Human here helping me with this rodeo competition!” I want to kill myself.
“So, what is going on here?” Where the- you know what, Imma not question how where she came from-Princess Celestia kinda just appeared outta nowhere. She looked around before her eyes fell on the sign, and then fell upon me. “Why are we advertising the harm of an endangered species?” Celestia asked.
“Look Celestia, I…” I smacked Rainbow upside the head. “I'm going home. Rainbow, go back to munching on carpets. Celly, wanna head to my place for some tea?” Rainbow was rubbing the back of her head. “I wanna ask you a question anyways.”
Celestia gave me a warm smile, walked on over to me, and nuzzled into my cheek. “That would be lovely, Bob.” Everyone around us was staring at me with bug-eyes. “Yes everypony, I am quite good friends with Mr. Bob here. If you harm him, you are breaking the law, so refrain from holding these events, please.” With that, we went on over to my house, while Celestia just held me close by.
I fucking hate this town so god damn much.
The day after the rodeo, I figured I was done with these fucking ponies. I’m not gonna accept any apologies from literally anyone at all. Not from Luna, not from Rainbow Dash, not from Rarity. I’m just so done. Time, after time, after time, something goes poorly for me. Somebody wrongs me. Somebody doesn’t consider my feelings because I’m nothing more than a common housepet. I hate it. I am so fucking sick of this shit. Celestia offered to adopt me, since she knows about my age, but that would be a really cheap way to earn respect. Like it would work anyways; ponies are so racist they’d probably try and kill me if they found out Celestia wanted to adopt me.
They’d probably lynch me if they were more violent. That’s how racist ponies are.
Okay, maybe I can forgive Luna in time; she is actually making an effort to patch things up with me, and I can appreciate the effort. Rainbow Dash and Rarity? No. Notta. Not a fucking fat chance, because those two are just steaming sacks of shit. Nobody in town likes me, besides like… four people. So I walked out of my home with a stretch the next day, scratched my back a couple of times and looked around. It was fairly early in the morning, and it was Sunday, so nobody, in their right mind, should be out and about. Well, except for me. I’m leaving, and I don’t really feel like having my friends find out.
I’m talking about Twilight and Venice, those two are my only friends in Ponyville. So, I made it into town relatively quickly, taking my sweet ass time with getting a move on. I stopped outside of Sugarcube Corner, sighing; my first ever party where some of the ponies tolerated me. I contemplated staying; Pinkie didn’t actually seem to hate me, and she was pretty nice if a bit assertive. Then I kept on walking. Yeah no, I plan on heading towards Appleloosa; that’s where Chrysalis’s main Hive was apparently located. I wanna go to the Hive and see what happens.
“Hey Bob!” I cringed at that voice… It was Twilight. “I didn’t expect to see you in town so soon! Pinkie wanted to get us all together in Sugarcube Corner; she wanted to make us all apologize to you. every one of our friends; from Rainbow Dash to Apple Jack. She… Even I noticed how poor your treatment is, and yesterday was just a tipping point. How could Rainbow try to market an event based on you getting hurt?” Twilight sighed. “You’ll forgive us for mistreating you, right? And me for… not stepping in when I should.” Her ears twitched a couple times, so of course, I reached out and ruffled her mane.
“I’m not mad at you. I can’t fault you for not wanting to choose between friends. I know how much you stressed over that shit with the Gala after you told me about it. I also can’t be mad at you; you’ve housed me, and continue to treat me with genuine respect.” I sighed. “I’ll join you inside. But… Don’t expect me to be swayed; I’ve been hurt twice by your friends. And the second time around, said friends didn’t seem to fucking care. In fact, after this bullshit in Sugarcube, I’m just gonna leave for the changeling hive. Those buggies love me, so I know they’ll treat me with respect. I told Echo and Gengar already; they’re taking a super secret tunnel and will meet me in Appleloosa.” Twilight’s ears shot up.
“But… What about me? What about Venice? Or Cherilee? You-“
“You guys will be fine without me; none of you guys are social rejects, are you? Y’all have other friends. I don’t matter enough to warrant staying here for you guys.” Twilight sighed, as we walked into Sugarcube. There, there were all of Twilight’s friends. They’re all fucking here, sitting in a booth. Twilight happily pranced over and greeted them all, while I sat at a table away from them. I rested my cheek in my palm and tried to look not done with these mares. “So, how are you guys going to emotionally destroy me this time? Gonna ‘say sorry’ and then call me a rapist in the middle of town? Kick me in the dick? That last one would probably be the least painful, emotionally at least, you should do that.”
“Well… We could do that,” Pinkie started. “But that’s no fun! I can tell how little fun you’re having because of how everypony’s treating you, so I actually gathered as many ponies as I could fit into Sugarcube corner so we can all apologize to you!” I looked around… Everyone was staring at me. “I bet you’ll want to stay after we all promise to start treating you better!”
“Promises are meant to be broken,” I pointed out. “In fact, Rainbow said she’d try and treat me with respect and fucked up at that. Rarity said she’d always be nice and generous to me. Then she said I was creeping on Venice; that mare is literally my best friend. I tend to put my hands on ponies that are my friends, and if those ponies are okay with it,” I glared at Rarity. “You shoulda fucking figured that shit out after I put Venice down after expressing she didn’t want to get cradled in public. Fuck, you should notice how my eyes don’t wander. I’ll happily admire how Venice’s coat gleams, or how well groomed she is, but I won’t be looking at her ass any time soon. I can’t find you horses attractive though.” Everyone flinched. “Oh boohoo, I used a slur. Yeah, you fuckers have literally charged me more money for shit! Bought an orange that was seven bits. For one orange. Then a stallion got a whole dozen for that much!” I slammed my hands into the table.
“Chrysalis, the same fucker who you all seem to wanna demonize, has treated me better than any of you asshats ever could! She built me a fucking house, a means to make my own food without being overcharged for shit. Fucking love, harmony, and acceptance. Friendship is fucking magic if you’re a pony!” I got out of my chair. “Fuck you guys. AJ, Pinkie, consider our partnerships void. I know you two don’t know how to use the carbonation machine that I have. Twilight,” I nodded to her. “Feel free to visit me, tell Venice and Golden Arrow that I love’em with every fiber of my being.” Seriously, those two are like family to me. “I wish you all the best in the future, but please stay the fuck out of my future. Thank you.” I walked out the door, only to find a hoof holding my ankle.
“C’mon Bobby! Let me host a goodbye party-” I took my ankle back. “Bobby? Please?” Pinkie’s mane deflated a little. “C’mon! What about your friends?”
“The same one that accused me of being a pervert? Or the one that tried to profit off of me getting hurt? Oh! Or the one that only tolerated me because I was the only source of a product they made a fuckload of money off of?” I hummed. “You know what, Pinkie?” The look on Pinkie’s face, how it brightened up so much at my faux excitement. “I’m going to go visit Chrysalis, stay permanently, and get drunk with her. That sounds like a fun party; you’re not invited by the way!” Pinkie’s mane immediately deflated, and I was already out the door.
Nobody thought to stop me, thankfully, so getting on the train wasn’t too troublesome. I paid for my ticket, and sat my ass down. “Greetings,” I looked up to see a random mare wave at me. “I hear that you wish to visit the changeling Hive.”
“Chrysalis, drop the act; you still got your eyes.” Chrysalis’s ears shot up. “Yeah, that’s right, Chryssy, you can’t trick me!” Chrysalis reverted to her natural form, before taking place in my lap. “Sorry about abandoning my home and greenhouse so shortly after you built them, by the way. I’m grateful for them, I really am, but I can’t stay with ponies anymore. Not after being wronged by them so fucking often.” Chrysalis sighed as she laid her head in my hand so I could rub that jaw of hers. “Chrysalis?”
“I was expecting you to want to leave Ponyville anyways. You already moved to your home that I had built for you, then you ended up hearing what Loyalty said about you… I have asked my drones about the idea of you moving in. All of them are very receptive to the idea; some are saying I should adopt you given how young you are. But if you were a Prince, you’d have to deal with ponies more at political meetings,” Chrysalis hummed. “You don’t seem mad about that.”
“Hey, I wouldn’t mind having a mother who gives a shit about me. My actual mother used to cut me a lot. Hell, those political meetings just mean I can meet with Celestia more; she’s pretty cool.” I reclined back in my chair. “It just feels good; I still have money flowing in from all my inventions and products. Well, except Sparkles; I took those out of production and had Gengar and Echo take the means to make it to the Hive. I’m sure your ‘lings would enjoy something sugary.”
“We don’t need to eat, but we do need to drink. Having something other than water would be nice; I have imported a case of that drink a while back. It was quite tasty,” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “I shall have the forms in place should you wish to legally be my son. Though it would be weird given…” She nudged my hand with her nose. “I never said you could not stop petting me. I am a Queen, you know, as your Queen, I wish to be pampered!” Chrysalis scoffed when I let my hand go limp. “What. Did. I. Say?”
“I wanted to rub your ears, not your jaw,” I did exactly that. “See? This is more fun, ain’t it?”
Chrysalis started purring, and that was her only response.
Not even an hour later, I had a Queen napping in my lap, and everyone decided to social distance from me like I had the plague. Meh, whatever, I had a sleeping, purring changeling queen in my lap, and I don’t care. It still surprises me as to… just how soft Chrysalis is, and changelings in general for that matter. I took the time to study her biology; it turns out that Chryssy’s wings were insectoid in shape, but they were much harder. Chrysalis’s tail and mane were made of a similar mesh, but felt softer, and more mane-like. The holes in her legs seemed to serve little purpose, but judging from how they were, I assumed that it was just a sign of starvation. They were actually smaller than the last time I saw them.
“Are you done molesting me with your eyes?” Chrysalis asked, cracking an eye open. “I can feel your eyes wandering.”
“Look, almost everything I have seen so far has a human-world variant that I have seen before. We got ponies, or horses, zebras, hell, even oak trees,” I patted Chrysalis’s back. “As a guy who likes science, biology included, I kinda wanna study you. I won’t look at anything you don’t want me to.” Chrysalis simply smirked. “You were just fucking with me, cool.”
“Now, if we were doing that, I would be laying eggs in a few weeks… Though if you do wish to study me, for some reason, you may. I do request you stay away from my backside; you must respect my privacy after all.”
“Oi, I ain’t gonna touch that unless you give me permission. I pet you because you let me, I doubt you’d let me touch that!” Chrysalis chuckled. “Go back to napping; your snoring is adorable.”
“Are you bucking insane?” One of our more… equine co-passengers asked. “How can you find that monster adorable?” Chrysalis closed her eyes and let out an adorable little sigh when I rested my hand on her belly. “And you’re petting it!”
“So? That belly is rubbable, Chrysalis likes belly rubs, and she’s friends with a man who likes rubbing bellies,” I patted the Queen and laid my head on her neck. She was just so big that she had to rest her head on the window, and her neck was so long that I could rest my head on it if need be. Chrysalis, because she is needlessly cute, nuzzled me and licked my cheek with a very snake-like tongue. “She’s also very sweet when you get the chance to know her.”
“I love my human,” Chrysalis sighed in contemptment. “If any of you harm him, or attempt to harm him for his association with me, I will have you tried for attempted genocide. Then my children will have the opportunity of sucking your love out of you for the rest of your lives.” A unicorn, a random mare, tried her luck, only for the spell to be caught midair. “Did I stutter?” Chrysalis’s horn was glowing. Chrysalis snatched the mare up in her magic.
“I am allied with your perfect, incredibly sexy Princess Celestia. We are also in the process of putting our hooves into dating each other again; you nearly breached a term in our treaty…” Chrysalis hummed, before nodding to herself. “Perhaps I shall decapitate you?” My eyes widened. “Or not, my friend seems to be a bit squeamish about having somepony die in front of him, so you may live today.” Chrysalis threw the mare back into her chair, where she landed with a thud.
She got up right afterwards and ran into another train car. Every other pony followed suit.
“That was a bit much.”
“She nearly hit you with a spell that would’ve cracked your head open,” Chrysalis gave me a toothy grin. “And I will actually defend you unlike some of your friends…”
“Oi, Venice actively dragged me out of lunch with my ‘friends’ after they accused me of some shit. She nearly kicked another motherfucker after they tried to call me a monkey. Well… Venice would’ve if I didn’t stop her with a few ear scratches. Venice is super cool.”
“I know; I assume that’s the only pony, aside from Celestia, that you enjoy having as a friend?”
“And Golden Arrow, Venice’s kid. Super sweet, super lovable. Fucking adorable as hell. He tried getting me and Venice to date each other, or have Venice adopt me after he learnt about how old I actually am. That colt just wanted me to be a part of his family…” I sighed. “I will miss that kid a lot, but this is for the best. I need some time away from ponies, possibly permanent time away. Or else I am going to end up inventing a shotgun just to kill myself with it.” Chrysalis’s eyes narrowed.
“You will not commit suicide on my watch, Bob. If you do, I will find out if there is an afterlife, and beat your ass for making me, and several of your actual friends cry,” Chrysalis pulled me closer with her legs. “Now, get some rest; I’m certain you will love to explore Alpha Hive once you get there.” I closed my eyes and fell asleep… Chrysalis makes for a good pillow, keep that in mind. Well, Celestia’s a better pillow, but also, she is a wee bit plush from eating mostly cake. The next time we woke up, we stopped just outside of some shitty, generic, little western town called Appleloosa. Where the ponies were even more racist towards me and Chrysalis, but it didn’t particularly matter; we were going to keep heading west anyways. Once we got to the edge of town, Chrysalis knelt down.
“What are you doing, Chrysalis?” I asked. Seriously, I don’t know why she’s kneeling.
“You said that your feet are terrible for long distance travel, yes?” I nodded. “And you humans are apparently even worse at long distance traveling while under the sun, like we are right now. So this is my solution: Get on my back, ride me like how you described humans riding horses.” I shrugged before hopping up on Chrysalis’s back… Holy shit, Chrysalis is actually a lot taller than she appears. Yeah, I can still look the Queen in the eye, but she still had a good head or two over me. Celestia was roughly the same height… goddamn, I underestimated how big these guys are by a long shot. Chrysalis got up and pranced slightly. “Ooo, I always wondered what it would be like to have a bipedal race-”
“Chrysalis, as cute as you are while prancing around, you’re breaking my balls by doing that.” Chrysalis giggled while her body cringed. She then started walking normally across the desert… Ow. Okay, Chrysalis was actually being super gentle, and even lifted me up to transform a saddle onto her back, and that made things easier for me. The only problem was… Well, it felt a bit weird, honestly. Riding a horse sounds awesome, riding a horse that is also part bug, that is also highly intelligent? It felt weird. Of course, this gave me the prime position to rub that neck, which Chrysalis was bugging me for, for the longest time during the ride. “You sure this isn’t… Demeaning in any way, shape, or form, Chryssy? I get that you’re a queen and-”
“I wondered what it would be like to have somebody mount me, and now I know. It’s… Oddly comforting. If you allow me to, I would like to do this more often with you.” Wat. “I know, as Queen, I should have more pride. But around you, I do not feel the need to uphold my image; you are oddly good at making anyone relax. If Celestia and Luna were comfortable, in public, to wrestle each other like a pair of fillies, then you’re a great comfort object.” Way to make me feel adequate. “Take it as a compliment; I don’t relax around anyone very easily.” Chrysalis hummed before we stopped next to a cave, one that went straight down. “How good are you at holding on?”
“Uh… I might accidentally strangle you? Why do you ask?” Chrysalis giggled. “Chrysalis?” Chrysalis walked right up to the mouth of the cave, staring down, like she was testing how deep it went.
“This is Alpha Hive’s entrance,” Chrysalis hummed. “Hold tight, dear!” Wait, no, no, no-
The Queen jumped, I latched onto Chrysalis and let out a very manly scream on the way down. Little did I know what I was going to see…was going to be one of the most magnificent sights I will ever see. I went from screaming to cheering on the way down, actually enjoying the flight as Chrysalis expertly smoothed out the drop somehow, before we dropped down into the Hive. “Welcome to my kingdom, Bob. I hope we can be much, much more accommodating than ponyville!” My jaw dropped at the sight. Holy fucking shit. This place is simply glorious.
Author's Note
Figured this would be a nice change of pace. The lings are going to experience an industrial revolution.
Wow, I’m Being Treated Well.
The Hive was… outstanding. The entire… cavern that the Alpha was in was huge. Lit with what I assumed was love-made resin. Drones walked either on the ground, or flew through the air in a similar pattern to that regular traffic back at home. The sound of water rushing down from the underground waterfall could be heard, and there were canals that all led towards what could only be described as a fountain where drones would stop by on occasion and take a drink. Or fill a container up so they’d have water for later. We landed right by this fountain, as it seemed like the center of the Hive. A good starting point if I wanted to explore this place.
“Welcome to the Alpha, or the main Hive of my kingdom. Echo and Gengar have arrived quite a while ago; they will still attend to you, as though you were living in your old home. For now though… Perhaps a tour?” A changeling dutifully saluted his Queen upon seeing her, before waddling up. “Bob, this is Steve, Steve this is Bob. The human you’ve probably heard of. Bob, this is Steve, the changeling that led the construction of your house and greenhouse. And an excellent drone if I do say so myself.”
Steve blushed a little. I rubbed my chin while processing the name. “So you, Echo, and Gengar have cool names,” I hummed. “And then there’s just Steve.”
“You are one to talk sir,” Steve said with a grin. “You are named Bob, after all.”
“Yeah, you’re right… Wanna belly rub? Cradled? Anything?” Steve looked to Chrysalis, who nodded in approval. “Well?”
“I… would like to be held. That would feel nice,” Steve waddled up to me, his little tail was wagging like crazy. I knelt down before scooping the drone up, and took a seat on a nearby bench. “This is pretty much our equivalent of what ponies would call a park. When we aren’t tending to the Hive, or feeding on one of the food ponies, this is where we spend most of our time.” Steve laid his head on my shoulder. “I was supposed to give you a tour, but the Queen allowed me to relax a little beforehoof. This is very nice; I see why Gengar spoke so highly of you!” And there went the professional talk that he had going; changelings apparently really like being babied.
After thoroughly turning sixteen different drones and Steve into a bunch of cuddle bugs, we finally took that tour. There really wasn’t much to note. Holes in the wall were changeling dens(I would also have one, but more human-sized according to Steve). As I suspected… Changelings love me. One would see me, immediately knew who I was, and wave. Occasionally one would waltz on up to me, give me their name, and nuzzle my hand as their silent way of asking for a few scratches that I was all too happy to give. One even hugged me, thanking me for stopping what would’ve been a massacre should the invasion in Canterlot fully play out. Some just wanted head scratches, and others just wanted to give me a hug. Luckily, changelings are huggable. This is the best I’ve been treated in half a year.
I felt welcomed for the first time in forever.
“Aren’t you just the cutest little thing?” Note to self, changeling foals(dunno what they’re actually called) are actually really, really cute. One was currently gnawing on my finger with his little baby teeth while I rubbed his belly. Another was laying in my lap, snoozing away. Drones, despite them all seeing Chrysalis as a mother, actually have their own mother and father. And usually, drones are left in what is called a nursery for the day while their parents tended the Hive. Rarely are they actually left here; unless it is a special occasion one parent should always be free to spend some time with their children.
With that said, all the changeling foals that were in the nursery at the moment, loved me more than the adults. I could pet them and feed them with affection in doing so, play with them, and act as a pony bed for some of them. A few of the changelings that were standing by, watched fondly as another foal pounced on my head, making cute little growl noises as I toppled over on purpose. “No! Drone and beast are at war once again!” The foal started playfully batting at me with a hoof. “And it’s ugly!” I grinned before snatching the giggly little baby up. “But the beast strikes back, and there’s no way to tell what will happen next for the little drone! Will the drone survive the beasts’ onslaught?”
I tickled the shit out of that baby.
After being shown my den, I nodded. Chrysalis apparently took the time to put a lot of detail in… a bed that looked like it was made for humans, blankets, a huge workshop with an assortment of tools and things to make things out of. It was… wholly impressive as to how accommodating this thing was. There was even a fridge full of food for me! “So sir, how do you like it? Chrysalis gave us the general idea of what you needed, but I led the building of your den. So… how do you like it?” Steve asked, holding a clipboard. “Sir?” I slowly knelt down in front of the drone, and got nice, close and personal with that jaw of his. I started rubbing it, which made him start to purr.
“I love it. Thank you, Steve. Tell Chrysalis to have you lead more build projects if she isn’t; you’re damn good at what you do.” Steve started blushing like a cherry. “D’aww, you like being praised for the good work you put in?” I chuckled. “You’re a good ‘ling, my dude. If you wanna, you can vibe in here, but I don’t know how fun it would be… I’m gonna be in the workshop, working on making a new form of power for you guys,” Steve proceeded to lay down in my lap while I sketched out my plans to make an electric grid for the Hive, which mainly relied on using the underground waterfalls for hydro-blah-blah-blah. Basically there’s an easy way to make electricity without using solar panels, which are out of my skill range.
So then Steve, Gengar, and Echo helped me put together a watermill. Chrysalis stopped by after Steve went to go fetch her, and she hummed while looking it over. “And this can produce energy to fuel lights should we ever run out of liquid love?” I nodded. “Interesting… If we use the energy you speak up, then perhaps that more of the liquid love we produce can go into feeding the Hive rather than powering all the lights.” Chrysalis looked at Steve with a nod. “Go set up a ‘watermill’ in one of the canals, and have Bob hook it up to whatever makes this… Electricity,” Chrysalis gave me a toothy grin. “You, my friend, are going to do wonders for my Hive. Now food production should increase tenfold with this new system in place!” She nuzzled me.
“So, about these,” I pointed at the adoption papers that I noticed lying on my bed when I walked in. “If I sign these, I’m your son, right?” Chrysalis nodded. “Huh…” I booped Chrysalis on the nose. “Won’t stop me from booping, petting, or scratching you in very pleasant ways?” Chrysalis nodded again. “Well, having a mother would be nice. And I can tell Twilight and her friends, mostly her friends, to go fuck themselves should they come out here and try to convince me to come back…” I took a pen out of my pocket and started signing them. Once I was done, Chrysalis squealed before tackling me.
“It has been so long since I have had my own actual offspring! Sure, my drones love me like a mother, and treat me as such, but I have yet to have a nymph of my own! Even if it is through adoption” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “I will make sure to spend as much time as I can with you,” she started purring as her tail went ‘thump’ every time it hit the bed as it wagged. “I will do my damned best to make sure you are happy while you are living here, Bob. I hope you understand this,” she sighed in contemptment. “Well, what would make you happy?” The Queen asked. Well, my mother… That is going to be hella weird; a mother that loves me? Wow, a foreign concept.
“I wanna help your Hive is what I wanna do. Get y’all hooked up with electricity and various other human inventions… Imagine a train like what Equestria uses, but it’s underground, and connects up with your other Hives. It travels at… three hundred and twenty kilometers an hour? That would be fast enough to near-instantly get you from here, to the Hive under Ponyville!” I clenched my fist. “Ooo, I could do so much for you guys, and I want to; y’all have been super nice to me the entire time I’ve known you guys. I repay any kindness thrown my way tenfold, Chryssy. I want to do this. I’ll have a purpose, for once, in my life.” Chrysalis nodded.
“I see. Well, say the word, and whatever you need to achieve what you have planned for the Hive, and it will be brought to you,” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “I hope that, in time, you will begin calling me ‘Mom’, it has been a while since I’ve been called that… Well, Echo called me ‘Mom’ this morning when I teased her about that crush she has on you. Expect that, by the way, quite a few drones, especially the females, have a crush on you.” She chuckled. “Well, I shall leave you to do what you do best, which is come up with gadgets and inventions that improve life. Just so you know, don’t make any communication devices; my drones and I can communicate using what you would probably describe as a ‘Hive Mind’.” Good to know. Damn. There goes that idea.
Anyways, not even a couple of weeks later, we had an electrical grid going in the Hive. Most of the lights, which were fueled with liquid love, were replaced with lightbulbs. A small building cropped up that was basically six or seven drones that built lightbulbs for the various lights, such as the streetlamps, inside lamps, and the lamps you don’t use at all. I also had a water filter system going at every fountain within the Hive, which really just exposed the amount of horrible shit that could make somebody sick, in the water the changelings were drinking out of. Weirdly enough, after these water-filtered fountains were set up, less changelings were getting sick. Of course, I got an award for that one, since it genuinely did improve the quality of life for changelings as a whole.
That bullet train was coming along nicely, after working with magnets, and showed the concept off, Chrysalis started having drones from various hives build railways in the tunnels they were originally using for traveling from one to another. Then another group of changelings was set for building the trains using the concept I had shown off. I went to the group, along with the group that was producing light bulbs and told them I was sorry for giving them more work. Each one looked at me like I was stupid, before going on about how they like having to work… Apparently most, if not all changelings are workaholics. Of course, that didn’t stop me from feeling bad, and asked them if they were down for a short break of belly rubs.
They all accepted, but went straight back to work when I was done.
A few weeks later, I was in my workshop, happily vibing away while working on putting my carbonation machine back together. The trains got done in a week, and the only challenge was getting them to remain powered, but Chrysalis figured she could use the same thing that was being used to power the lights, which was liquid love. Surprisingly, liquid love was actually a really good fuel source, as it only took about six liters for one trip from the Hive to Ponyville’s Hive and back. Which was basically nothing given that the Hive gets its food off of feeding from criminals Equestria didn’t want. And it didn’t affect the food production that much. Then Chrysalis stopped by.
“Hello Bob. I see that you’ve been busy,” I was working on some random device… I was building a radio so Chrysalis could easily communicate with our non-changeling allies better. In other words, she and Celestia could hook each other up with booty-calls better… In other words I was making a radio. “So, what are you doing?”
“Making a radio; you and Celly are gonna be able to set up so much kinky sex when this is done.” Chrysalis snorted. “Aight, I know you came in for another reason. Lemme guess, you guys got a prototype of the bullet train done, and want me to see it?” Chrysalis nodded. “Cool, lemme put this radio aside; once it’s done, you and Celly are going to hit each other up with so many dates and kinky sex. It’ll be great!” Chrysalis snorted. “At some point,” I pointed at a musket I was building. “You guys will have human weapons called guns, things meant to kill other things in a very efficient fashion, from a distance. You can sell’em, keep’em for yourself. And I’m working on a concept for an underground greenhouse so you guys can begin producing food to sell to other people. Then y’all can become a global superpower, or at the very least, start having an economy.”
“You are correct on that front; it is about time that my Hive begins trading, so that we can start importing more goods for you to invent things… The first ‘bullet train’ has been set up, as you suspected, and is ready to be tested. It is only connected to the Hive underneath Ponyville for a test run, where the entrance is just outside your old home.” I nodded. “Would you like to join me for a first test ride? It is a sign of faith in your contraption if I, and the current Prince of the Changelings, were to ride on it at the same time. And I can stop the train should anything go wrong,” I nodded.
“We won’t have to go into Ponyville will we? I know the only thing I left there was a table with a stove built into it, and I might as well see if anyone’s broken into it or the greenhouse yet.” Chrysalis nodded, and knelt down.
“Come on now, I know you will enjoy the flight to the train station… When we get to the Ponyville Hive, you can ride on my back on the surface,” Chrysalis pranced in place.
“You really like it when I’m riding you, don’tcha?”
“Of course I do! You enjoyed it, so I want to do it again… It would give me a chance to spend more time with me.”
“I literally woke up to you laying next to me, holding me close by with your legs, and drooling all over me. Feck, that’s how I woke up a couple of times, and you sometimes even try to groom me before we go to sleep.” I grinned at Chrysalis’s cheeks turning slightly red. “You’re the best Mom I’ve ever had; it’s not saying much, but it sure does mean a lot to me. You actually praise me for being smart rather than insult me for ‘not having testosterone’ or some shit. Needless to say,” I scooted next to Chrysalis and hugged her neck. “I love you, Mom. Seriously, you have done so much for me that I cannot even think of how I should repay you… Thank you.”
We tested out the train, spoiler alert, it works perfectly, and doesn’t need much love to fuel it. That’s pretty cool. Apparently the changelings that were working on the train were trying to make it as efficient as possible, and they did a damn good job of building off my concept and making the train. I rode the Chrysalis on the surface, out front of my old home, where we found a few changelings from the Hive below helping themselves to pudding. Apparently I left a recipe book for a few of my snacks and food items, and the buggers just love pudding for some reason.
Specifically chocolate pudding. I don’t know why.
Oh yeah, Twilight Sparkle was sitting in front of the door, ears drooping, head hanging. So of course, I hopped off of Chrysalis’s back, and ran to meet her. When she heard my footsteps, her ears turned to me, she perked up, and excitedly pranced over to me. “Hey Bob! Were the changelings worse to you than us ponies? Are you coming to stay in Ponyville again?” Her eyes narrowed at my adoptive mother when she trotted up next to me. “Perhaps you should get a restraining order.”
I shrugged. “I would, but the changelings are actually quite lovely. Nymphs are super cute, love getting put on babysitting duty whenever I have to. I actually helped a very advanced train system be made, which’ll become more widespread amongst the various Hives of Equestria. Everyling loves backscratchers though; I was gonna give the design to Filthy Rich, but like, seeing a changeling do the leg-kick while they get at an itch is super adorable, and worth way more than the money backscratchers woulda made me. I’m also working on human weapons; changelings are gonna make a fuckload off of selling those.” I hummed. “Hey Mom, what does the Hive need?”
Chrysalis hummed. “Well, more magnets would be nice; it sure would make building the railways easier. And we can sell our services to griffins, cats, anyone who would like a faster method of traveling than their current trains. Do you know of a way of making airships faster? I believe we can sell those to other countries.”
I hummed. “I may have an idea for that actually… I ruffled Twilight on the head. “I’ll stop by in a few months and rub your belly if that’s cool.” Twilight’s left eye twitched.
“Did you just call that thing your Mom?” Twilight was sounding a bit irritated. That’s fair; she hasn’t been the biggest fan of Chrysalis for fairly understandable reasons. I wish she’d drop it already, but whatever.
“Well yeah, Chrysalis has been treating me like her child ever since she brought me to the Hive, and even curls herself around me in order to ‘protect’ me or something. It’s pretty cool,” I hugged Chrysalis. “She’s been more of a mother to me than my actual mother; more so than Celestia or Venice at times.” Twilight’s anger quickly turned to shock. Seriously, Mom’s cool as fuck. Chrysalis knelt down and let me climb up on her back again. “Well, I’m gonna head back to Alpha with Mom, I’ll see you around Twi!” Chrysalis started galloping in the opposite direction of where the entrance for the Ponyville Hive, before circling around and reaching the destination.
About three, maybe three and a half weeks after that, I ended up just wandering around the Hive. Because unlike in Ponyville, I wanna explore the Hive, and greet my ‘subjects’ because I guess I’m their prince now. Occasionally one would stop and bow to me, only for me to stop them. Every time one bowed, I made them stand back up and would give them the talk. It basically boiled down to this. “I’m just some dude, I don’t demand respect or to be revered. You’ll give me a greater deal of respect by treating me like a friend, not a Prince.” Of course, word spread quickly, and the ‘lings would just come up, ask for head pats and whatnot, like they were before they found out that their Queen adopted me.
It was pretty dank; they even let me boop their snoots when given the option. Hell, the ‘lings working on some of the concepts I put out, thanked me for giving them a new job that they seemed to like. Of course, I made sure they took breaks and petted those changelings on their breaks: These cute fuckers deserve every bit of love and affection that I can give them.
I love changelings. Seriously, they’re really cool.
One day, Chrysalis trotted into my room while I was taking a break from building the radio, by reading a book. She came up around me, and rested her head on top of mine and sighed. “Some ponies are above us, Bob, they wish to speak with myself and you… You may recognize them as they’re all residents from Ponyville.” Chrysalis chuckled. “They aren’t super happy, as they took a bullet train to get here, and I may have charged them ten bits each. It’s usually five bits a train ticket by the way.” God damn. “Well, except for one. I believe you’ll recognize a pony named Venice Arrow?” I perked up slightly. “I knew you would; your best friend I believe?” I nodded again. “Well, would you like to speak with them? If not, I can send them back to Ponyville. Do note that Princess Celestia is among them.” I raised an eyebrow.
“Well, we might as well see what they want. I know I’ll wanna chat with Venice, even if she will yell at me, and punch me in the gut for probably making her cry.” Chrysalis knelt down. Probably to let me ride her again. “Can we walk? I want to take my sweet ass time with seeing these asshats again.”
“I see. That is fully understandable; we may walk. If you don’t wish to speak with them, we can tell them to ‘fuck off’.”
“Nah, we need to talk to’em.” Chrysalis nodded and we started walking side by side. Chrysalis even turned one of her wings into a pegasi wing, before draping it over me. This talk is going to suck.
So, we got to the changeling train station, where there were… a group of mares. Yeah, it was just Twilight, her friends, Venice Arrow, and Celestia. I knelt down, and opened up my arms. “Hey Venice!” I was honestly scared and excited to see this mare again. I literally haven’t seen this mare in nearly two months, which then led to the following reunion. Venice waved at me, and happily ran up to me, tackling me to the ground and nuzzling my cheek constantly. She was crying, before she promptly brought a hoof down into my thigh. Hard enough to hurt, but not enough to break any bones. Just hard enough to hurt like I got kicked in the balls.
“Ow! What the fuck-”
“You should’ve told me you were planning on moving, you idiot! Do you understand how worried you made me? You moved, you fucking moved away and didn’t think to tell me? I’m your best friend, you’re my best friend, you should’ve told me! At least give me an address so I can still keep in contact with you!” Venice snarled. She sighed, and took a couple of deep breaths. “Sorry about hitting you so hard; you just made me think you vanished until Twilight told me you moved out here, and was planning on visiting you, wherever you were. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I… wanted to just disappear. To be a long, distant memory. Because if Chrysalis didn’t wanna let me stay in the Hive, I honestly would’ve killed myself. I didn’t want anyone to really remember me, but then Pinkie had to let every single pony in the area know that I was leaving. I dunno why she didn’t tell you, though… I probably should’ve told you before I did anything, but I also didn’t want anything holding me down. I needed to get away from Ponyville before I killed myself.” I nodded to Chrysalis. “Then an old friend of mine took me in, actually cared for me, and made sure I felt loved and welcomed.” I hugged Venice. “You did a damn good job of that too, Venice. And you’re probably the main reason why I haven’t killed myself yet.”
We both sighed, and Venice looked up at Chrysalis. “Thank you, your highness, for providing a place for my friend. I don’t know how I’d react if Bob killed himself.”
“If it makes you feel better, I did adopt Bob, and have been making sure he eats food when he drowns himself in his work, improving my changelings’ way of life. You would not believe how much dirt, parasites, and other horrible things can be in your drinking water until you filter it all out.” Chrysalis hummed.
Venice raised an eyebrow. “I never noticed; my water’s always crystal clear.”
I started scratching Venice’s ears, which she happily leaned into my palm for. “I may have stuck a water filter in your sink that automatically gets rid of all the shit you don’t want in your water. Did the same for Twilight a while ago. I don’t sell water filters because nobody would believe me if I were to tell them about how dirty their water actually is. I even made sure to filter water before using any of it in Sparkles; I don’t want people getting sick when they’re using my shit.” I shrugged. “Nobody else liked me enough to invite me into their homes, so I never got the chance to install water filters in their homes… They also cost a fuckload to make. When I’m not making them for profit, I can’t really make a lot of them.”
My friend’s ears perked up. “Wait a second, Bob, you’re Prince of the changelings!” Venice grinned. “I bet they all worship you.”
“Nah, I made sure none of them treat me like I’m royalty; I can’t stand having somebody kiss my ass all day. I want some respect, not to be treated like a deity.” I sighed, happily resting my head in the mare’s mane for a few moments. This feels nice. I realized I couldn’t stay like this forever and looked up. “Howdy Celestia, how’s it going?”
The Princess shrugged. “I just learnt that you were apparently more capable of making leaps and wonders than I’ve thought,” she pointed to the bullet train as it zoomed off to its next stop. “That is simply incredible; I’ve never seen anything like it before, and it’s one of your works?” I shrugged.
“I showed the concept off, then the drones that were better at welding and building stuff than I am, made it possible. It’s more of a group effort between myself and the changelings that were willing to listen to my stupid idea. And Chrysalis was also asking them to do it; the drones adore her.” I rubbed my chin. “I can build you a water filter for the palace; you definitely don’t wanna get sick anytime soon from some weird shit in your water… So how’s Luna doing?” a flower floated up to me.
“This is a night lily, Luna asked me to give this to you; she still wants to make amends with you, I hope you don’t so easily forgive her. Even if it would make her the happiest mare in the world,” Celestia sighed. “I don’t know if you will, but it would make her happier. It would also make me happier. We can discuss this more in private. And a certain someponies are here to apologize to you.”
I tapped on my chin. “Luna wronged me once, it was horrible and fucked up, but she only did it once. Those six… Well, all but Twilight, have wronged me so many fucking times, that I’m getting pissed just by looking at them,” I jabbed a thumb towards the palace. “Let’s get moving somewhere that isn’t the train station. We’re blocking quite a few drones from some of our smaller Hives,” everyone looked over to where I was pointing. What was there was… Well, a few drones staring up at us with big, cute-ol’ eyes. “Hey buddy,” the drone stuck his snoot in the palm of my hand, and I swore my heart melted. He even licked me. “We’ll get out of you and your friends’ way.” Chrysalis started leading the way to the palace.
Somehow, we ended up in my den instead of the palace, which is whatever. Mine’s apparently huge, since it was meant to house myself, Echo, and Gengar at the same time. It also had to be big enough to have the workshop, hold materials that were meant to be used in said workshop, and various other things such as a kitchen for myself. I felt bad for having such a big den, but nobody really minded, or said that it was undeserved. In the corner was the beginnings of a morse code machine. Because that’s something we need for communicating between Hives; the Hive Mind only works for so far. I sat down on my bed, and Celestia managed to summon a whole, long table and chair set from somewhere.
Magic, I don’t understand it and I don’t want to.
I sat down, and Gengar was quick to slide onto my lap and rest his head on the table. Rainbow was sitting the closest to me on my right, while Chrysalis was right next to me on my left. I sighed, knowing how shitty this talk is gonna go. Rainbow, because she hates being cool, spoke first. “So Bob…” Her ears were pinned against her head. “I…”
“You wanna rip my heart out? I wouldn’t be shocked, honestly. You’re a bit of a cunt.”
Rainbow’s ears perked up and she quickly shook her head. “I sometimes forget that you’re smarter than animals and have your own emotions. I… I just wanted to say sorry. I’m sorry I drove you into wanting to leave Ponyville.” She whimpered. “I thought you’d be okay with what I was doing; you did agree to it! Look Bob, I’m so, so sorry about what I did to you, and I swear I will make it up to you. I’ve been such a terrible friend to you.” I crossed my arms. “Bob? Are you… even going to say anything,” I'm just gonna sit there, silently staring at this mare while she cries. On one hand, she is cute, on the other, she is a sack of shit. Rainbow Dash apologizing won’t make everyone else in Ponyville treat me nicely.
I sat back in my chair, only for Venice to hop out of hers, Gengar moved, likely because he could feel how angry Venice was. Boy was she mad. The mare hop up onto my lap. “Rainbow Dash, I know you probably meant well with the rodeo, and I know you’re feeling remorseful. But I don’t think Bob is exactly excited to see you; he still has some fresh wounds from the last time you crossed him. “ Venice wasn’t even facing me and I could see the sheer amount of hatred in her eyes. “How many chances did he give you and your friends? How many times have you crossed him in some way before he finally snapped? You and the rest of bucking town drove Bob into leaving Ponyville once, and then drove him into leaving Equestria! What about love and acceptance that our nation preaches; the very foundation that Equestria was built off of?” Venice snarled. “I am personally happy for Bob, even if he never wishes to return to Ponyville, he seems to have at least found somewhere where he’s loved and cherished, and not treating him like an animal!” Her hoof came down on the table with a crack. After a couple deep breaths, she bowed to Chrysalis.
“I still can’t thank you enough for adopting Bob; I think it’ll do wonders for him to have a motherly figure actually taking care of him and loving him.” Chrysalis nodded.
“Of course I would take Bob in; it was kind of odd that he was living alone at his age, and even weirder that he wanted that. If you wish, you may use my Hives’ Railway freely; it goes from here to nearly every major city in Equestria, and into Griffonia as well. You are welcomed here as well, and a citizen of the Hive so you should be allowed to visit myself or Bob at any time.” Chrysalis nodded. “So, Generosity,” Rarity took her gaze off the table. “ Do you have anything to say to Bob before I toss you out of my Hive for a half-hearted attempt at apologizing to him?”
Rarity nodded. “Bob, I am truly sorry for accusing you of being a creep. I just… look too deeply into things, such as relationships that everypony could possibly be in, including you. I… My thoughts of you were jaded, because of some gossip, that you were apparently touching and harassing Venice in places she didn’t want to be touched. Or that you made her pretend she likes being petted. Will you accept my apology?”
I slowly did a window cranking motion with my left hand while holding my right up. Slowly, my middle finger stuck up, before I rolled it back down. “You really should've learnt how to trust me, asshat.” I ruffled Venice’s mane, and she playfully swatted at my hand, so I did it again. Then my hand ended up in her mouth; I lost privilege to that hand. “Me and Venice are best buds; we love each other, and would happily hangout. I don’t treat Venice the same way I woulda treated you, or the rest of your friends. Hell, I even treat Twilight differently. Venice,” I tried to move the hand trapped within the mare’s jaws. “This is something she wouldn’t typically do with anyone but me.” I shrugged. “You are a cunt, Rarity. I ain’t taking any apologies from you, or the rest of your fuckbuddies.”
Except Twilight, but she’s also actually nice to me.
“But… What about you hating holding grudges?” Pinkie asked. “Did you lie about how you’ll always forgive us?”
“No, never made a promise like that. Not once. I don’t like keeping grudges; won’t stop me from keeping them though. You may have been alright, Pinkie, but your friends, and almost all of Ponyville for that matter, have crossed me so many times that I’ve had enough. You motherfuckers call me bumfuck retarded because I ‘relied on Twilight’ whenever I build something that improves your quality of life.
“When I first came to the Hive, Chrysalis knew what I am capable of, and decided to give me a fucking workshop, a work team, and then a larger work team whenever we get a concept working, to improve and mass produce the thing we just came up with. These changelings praise me for the work I put in. Some of them have thanked me after I made those water purifiers. They’re loyal !” I nodded to Echo, who was testing out a mechanical pencil. She put it down and hopped up on my lap beside Venice. She was small enough to the point where the two of them could share without it being too cramped.
“Yes sir?”
“Did you know you’re the cutest, little drone I know?” Echo giggled.
“Don’t let Gengar catch you saying that, sir. He’ll get jealous, and give you the silent treatment… Until you rub his belly at least,” Echo nuzzled me. “Should I get back to work on the mechanical pencil? I was almost done, after all.”
I shook my head and her ears sank. “Bud, you’ve been at that shit for six hours straight. Go take a break, get your fill of love, get a bottle of water while you’re at it. Then come back and finish up; you need a break.” I patted the ‘ling’s head. “Now go take care of yourself before you collapse.” Echo licked my cheek before hopping out of my lap and running off to go get herself some food. I looked back to the ponies in the room. “See? Changelings love me, and I treat them well in return. I build and invent stuff to make their lives better because they treat me like I’m one of them; a person. The only one of you dickheads to tolerate me, aside from Twilight, was Apple Jack, and that’s because I was the only source of Sparkles that she had.”
Apple Jack sighed. “So you dissolved our business deal over something petty? Grow up Bob.” What?
“It was more like you ponies are fucking racist as hell, and drove me into just not wanting to work with you assholes in any meaningful way. I only work with Filthy Rich to some extent, because I like the dude, not because he’s another human being. AJ, you more or less only stuck up with me because we were partners, and ever even tried being friendly when Twilight was nearby. Fuck, that was the case with everyone here except for the Changelings, Venice, and Celestia. Well, and Twilight, but it’s hard to be your own company, I suppose.” I dragged my hands down my face. “Speaking of, hey Celestia,” I hopped out of my chair and moved to be able to rub her back. “How’s life going, being a Pretty Pony Princess?”
“Well, everything is going as per-usual. I run day court, deal with some nobles, and fill out paperwork. Then I usually end the night off with Luna. She seems to be talking quite a bit about you, about how she wants to regain your friendship. I told her she’s not allowed to force her way into your good graces, even if I know how happy you two were when ‘hanging out’ with each other. At the end of the day, she knows what she did was wrong, and hopes you’ll forgive her… someday. At the very least, you’ll forgive her.” I nodded. “I believe our little meeting here is over? I must send my little ponies back up to Ponyville, but I can stay for another hour before I have to get back to running my country.” An idea came to mind.
“Send everyone back if you gotta, I don’t really care, but stay in my room. I’m rubbing the forbidden belly tonight.” Celestia giggled.
“How is it forbidden when I’ve let you rub it all the time before?”
“...I don’t get to rub it all the time!” With that, everyone was led out of my den, except Venice who chose to take a tour of the Hive under Chrysalis’s supervision and was given a warning about the food ponies. After those assholes were gone, Celestia used some sorta magic to turn herself into a roughly Twilight-sized alicorn, before she joined me on my bed. She laid herself across my lap and started purring as I started brushing her, petting her, and just pampering the ever living shit out of her. “So about Luna,” I said mid stroke with a brush. “Tell her I don’t hate her anymore, but she’s gonna have to earn my trust. Like almost getting killed while saving my life, kind of trust. I’ll be nice to her, friendly even, but we won’t exactly be chatting over tea any time soon.” Celestia nodded.
“I suppose that will make her happy. Should I allow her to visit you? I’m a bit scared of what she may do to you alone…” She humorlessly chuckled. “To think, me, Princess of the Sun, scared of what her little sister would do.”
“Because you’re a pony, just as mortal as anyone else, except you don’t age. Just because you’re immortal doesn’t mean you have the mind of a god… But yeah, let Luna visit me. I doubt she can do much against me if Chrysalis is nearby, and you on standby to kick her shit in if she tries anything. At most, she’ll probably get an ear scratch or two, and try to get back into my good graces. Which she will try; she genuinely misses my companionship, Celly.” I sighed and laid my head on the back of her neck. “You are so fucking soft, like holy shit, girl! This is why I want to rub thy forbidden belly; you are so plush and cuddly.” Celestia raised an eyebrow. “What?”
Celestia chuckled. “You just called me fat, and I, as a Pretty Pony Princess, take offense. I only eat cake after every meal, I should be fit!” We both chuckled. “Perhaps,” Celestia summoned a piece of paper and a pen. She wrote something down and it disappeared. “I just cleared my schedule for the next two days. We are going to get our fair share of belly rubs and face and neck licks in during that time.” Oh fuck, face and neck licks. Now those are usually what ponies give me when they like me. I grinned, before Celestia reverted to her old size, and I tipped her over me so we could cuddle a bit more.
“This feels nice. How are you the one racist dickhead to look past what I am?” I asked, resting under one of Celestia’s wings.
“Because you’ve proven your worth to me, and your worth in character.” Celestia sighed. “How about I adopt you as well? Chrysalis may be your adoptive mother, but you could always have two; I already treat you how I would treat my teenage son if I had a son… Minus all the pampering. Then I could have a genuine reason to meet up with you every week.” I shrugged, and the papers were suddenly in front of me. I took a pen out of my pocket before signing them… And writing ‘I Love Cake’ on Celestia’s neck.
She clearly loved that; she put her full weight on my back and kept me pinned for an hour.
Author's Note
so now bob has two moms. epic.
So, I guess because Celestia was also my adoptive mother now, I had to go visit her and Luna up in Canterlot. Mostly so they could do a whole ceremony with the crowning of a new Prince, which I shut down immediately. It wasn’t something I wanted; I don’t want to be royalty, I don’t wish to become anything more than what I am, which was just some kid making dumb shit in his basement. That didn’t stop me from agreeing to visiting Celestia and Luna; I might as well speak with Luna. It’s about time we became friends again… I won’t forget or forgive what she did, she’ll have to do a lot more for me for me to do that. And also chilling under Celestia’s wing sounds like a fun pastime.
She could read me one of the many plays she wrote. Those were always fun and surprisingly well written.
So Chrysalis and I were waiting in the changeling subway for the train to go under Ponyville, as we hadn't found a way to get up Mount Canterlot from the inside, aside from a really strong elevator. Of course, I had the concept proven, and some ‘lings were working on that as we were waiting. And because my adoptive mother doesn’t think I’m a needy little child, she had me laying on her back while she read an Equestrian newspaper. “It appears that ponies across the nation are getting sick from drinking water,” she hummed. “Quite the shame if I must say; it seems a stomach bug may be floating around.” I hummed.
“You know, I could make a little snack that keeps ticks, fleas, stomach worms, all that fun, parasitic shit off of ponies,” I hummed. “I could. Though I doubt it would sell, not many really choose to listen to me. Because I’m a dumb, stupid animal, and nothing else,” Chrysalis pulled me off her back and into a hug. “That feels nice,” I sighed and leaned into her neck.
“It is quite a shame that ponies treat you the way that they have. I do quite like Venice… perhaps you two are meant to be something more? I can feel how she feels about you.” Chrysalis giggled when I gave her a blank expression. “It is quite impressive, you both feel such love for each other, but none of it is the romantic kind. You two deeply care for and love each other… How Generosity ever thought you were being a pervert, or that you two would be a couple is beyond me… Perhaps we shall stop by Venice’s home on the way back? I would like to meet my surrogate nephew; you and Venice are like brother and sister, after all.” I could agree to that.
We hopped on the train, got out pretty soon afterwards under the Ponyville Hive, and then crawled out of it in order to get on the Equestrian railroad for Canterlot. “The ETA is around a day,” Chrysalis said, sitting her butt down and pulling out a newspaper. “So I would recommend finding something to do-” I sat down and cuddled up to her. The sound of surprise she made was kind of cute. “I suppose I can cuddle and nuzzle my son for a bit,” she did exactly that until I started feeling drowsy, and I almost fell asleep a couple of times.. Seriously, I didn’t think I’d have a mother that would love me, but I suppose having a bug horse as a mother, even an adoptive one, was quite nice. I took advantage of how oddly soft carapace that Mom had, and proceeded to use her as a pillow.
“Mom, I love you,” Chrysalis squeaked, and I fell asleep.
When I woke up, Chrysalis was hugging me, and drooling in my hair. Also, we were in Canterlot. We disembarked from the train, and there was Luna and Celestia, ready to greet us. “Howdy,” I waved. Luna walked up to me first, looking a tad bit shy. Or scared, one of those two. “Sup Luna?” She flinched. “What? Are you surprised that I would at least try being friendly with you again? I haven’t fully forgiven you for… what you did, but I can appreciate you trying to make things up with me. ‘Lot more than what I can say about my friends in Ponyville, that’s for sure. That said…” I brought my hand under Luna’s jaw. “I don’t think I can ever truly forgive you for what you’ve done, but I know it’s better if we move on. And let it be clear; I won’t ever forgive you unless you somehow almost die while earning my forgiveness.” I scratched the Lunar Princess’s jaw and she leaned into it. “That said, I did miss you, you know, the you that didn’t violate me.”
Luna sighed, withdrawing from my hand. “And for that, I deeply apologize… I still have some adjusting to modern Equestria, as it seems,” Luna hopped on her hindlegs and hugged me. “Thank you for at least giving me a second chance!” I flinched and backed out of the hug. “Oh…” She sighed. “I should have figured you wouldn’t have accepted a hug from me so quickly. Would a nuzzle suffice?” I nodded, and she nuzzled my arm. After our little meeting, I happily walked on up to Celestia, who had knelt down so I could easily scratch at her ears.
“It is good to see you, Bob,” Celestia stood up and her wings soon wrapped me up, and she hugged me.
“Nice seeing you, too, Sunshine,” I patted her back a couple of times. “Not gonna lie, I’m somewhat surprised at the fact that you aren’t going to officially announce the thing,” I said as the four of us and our small group of guards started strolling through Canterlot. “Mostly because you seem like the type to immediately announce that there’s a new prince in Equestria or whatever.”
Celestia snorted. “And I am quite surprised to see you so adamantly deny your titles. Especially if it would’ve made you accepted and loved,” she hummed. “Why don’t you want to be a Prince anyways?”
“For one thing, I don’t want to earn respect simply by being of ‘royal blood’ or some shit. If I wanted to be accepted by ponies, a notion that no longer interests me, I would rather earn it. I’ve earnt Filthy Rich’s respect by being not completely stupid, and by having a couple of good ideas and inventions that he sells. I earnt that respect with what I brought to the table. Venice loves and respects me for the person that I am; I don’t overstep boundaries and was her favorite babysitter when I was in Ponyville. Oh, and she loved ear scratches and belly rubs, which also definitely helped. Changelings, in general, seem to all like me because I either fed them some affection, or by earning the affections of their Queen, or by me improving their quality of life through various things like water filters or bullet trains.”
“And you scratch their ears, you cannot forget that tidbit,” Chrysalis said with a chuckle. “I still occasionally get a changeling or two, asking if I would marry you off to them. So far, the answer is no. I know how you feel about dating horses, and bug horses as you so formally call me and the rest of our subjects,” I snorted in response.
As we kept on walking, I noticed a guard slightly jolting every now and then. “Yo,” I walked up to the guard, who was actually a foot or two away from the Princesses, and a little ways away from the next guard. Occasionally he would rub the back of his neck with the pole of his spear. The stallion bore the usual colors of the guard; white, blue, gold. Same Equestria patch on the breastplate, all that fun jazz. The guard actually flinched a little. “Sorry sir, but I would advise not walking so close to me,” well, it was actually a she. “I might have a flea or two, and I don’t want it hopping on you.” Of course, I didn’t listen.
“Take your helmet off; it’s in your mane, back of your neck, right?”
“...Yes sir. Why do you want me to take my helmet off?”
“Because I could probably get that flea; fingers are better for doing that than hooves I assume.” The guard nodded, she came to a full stop, our group really didn’t seem to notice and kept walking. That made sense, I guess, since Chrysalis and Celestia started discussing stuff that sounded political, and I wanted to stay out of talks like that. After helping her take the helmet off, I got super close to her mane, which was surprisingly long given that she was in the military. I dragged my fingers through it before eventually grabbing a little, black spec. After snatching it off of the guard, before flicking it into a nearby fountain. “If you ever feel like you’ve got a flea, use a fuckload of soap, and a lot of cold water, and take a bath.” I scratched at the guard’s ears.
“Thank you, sir, and I will take your advice into consideration.” She sighed. “As much as I would like to stand here and get my ears scratched, we should… Buck.” Oh sick, our group’s missing. “Well, I can just lead you to the castle, or we can fly; I don’t mind being the new Prince’s mount.” Wat. “You did help me deal with a flea, after all, so I have to repay you somehow.” I chuckled and just wrapped an arm around her neck.
“You don’t gotta do that for me. Just lead the way to the castle, and I’ll take any blame for us getting lost; it was my idea to stop and take care of your flea problem, after all.” The guard flinched. “What?”
“Sir, I was the one with the flea that you wanted to-”
“I wanted to fix it because you looked uncomfortable as fuck. Did it even occur to you to take the day off and try and fix your flea problem?”
“No…” I sighed and hugged her. “Sir, this is unprofessional.”
“And I’m telling you to take a day off tomorrow. As your ‘prince’, your well being means way more to me than you needing to guard me or some random door in the castle. It’ll only be one day, somebody else can fill your spot for the day, and then you can come in the day after that like nothing happened. You’re a living, breathing person-pony, not a drone that must fulfill their duty as a guard.” The mare actually squeaked a little and had a little blush forming. “C’mon, let’s finish up the day, so you can have your day off sooner rather than later.”
After my guard put her helmet back on, we started making our way towards Canterlot Castle. I got a bunch of weird stares from ponies, but that was shut down when my guard would side-eye and glare at them. “So,.” I said as we turned a corner. “What is your name? It would be nice to know.”
“It… It is Sunny Smile, sir.” She then gave me a smile that lived up to her name. ‘You’re one of the first royal that I felt like I could relax around. And you’re forcing me to not treat you like you’re Princess Celestia’s son. It’s a bit weird,” she almost whispered that last bit.
“Well, I’m not some royal; I’m just some dude that the Princess liked enough to adopt. Plus being stuffy and treated like I’m somebody important isn’t how I roll. I’m just a human, making its way through life, not some great Sun and Moon raising Princess, or the Queen of an entire race. Sure, I come up with ideas and do my best to make those ideas a reality, but I’m not all that special. And those working for me… I want them to relax around me, I want them to feel like they can come and have a drink with me in their free time. My titles don’t mean shit; I’m a commoner just like you are.” Sunny’s tail had started wagging as she walked beside me.
When we got to the castle, I was led right up to the throne room, where Chrysalis was dashing here and there, going on about how I went missing. She was probably a moment away from demanding a search party in my name. After a moment of Chryssy playing the worried mother, Celestia had dragged her off to… relieve stress. Or in other words, those two were going to do some funky shit in the bedroom. So that just left me and Luna, the Lunar Princess was staring down at her hooves while we sat in a lounge room that she had been led to. I leaned back in my chair, enjoying a tea loaded with more sugar than tea. “So, Luna,” the Princess flinched and looked up at me. “What do you want to do today?”
“...Why are you asking me?” Luna’s ears flattened. “I doubt you would want to do anything with me. You’re only saying that to be courteous.”
“No, I want to hang out with you,” I got up, walked around the table, and sat down beside Luna. I wrapped an arm around her neck, hugging her from the side. “I told you, Luna, I’m not exactly forgiving what you did to me, but I suppose we were both at fault to some extent; I shoulda thought before I sent a letter with that wording to somebody that’s a thousand years behind everyone else.” I started to rub the Princess’s shoulder. “The fact that you’re actually showing remorse, unlike a few mares that I know, is enough for me to at least be friendly with you. Perhaps even go back to being friends?” I hummed. Luna was softer than her sister. “I won’t fully forgive you, yet, Luna. I want to make that very clear. But I also want you to know that I’m not going to be openly hostile to you, or privately hostile. We can move on, but you’re going to have to do a damn good job at getting me to fully trust you again.”
Luna nodded. “I… Suppose that is acceptable,” Luna’s ears perked up as she nuzzled me. “So do you actually wish to hangout with us?” I nodded.
“What happened to the Royal We?”
“I… Am getting a little excited. You are willing to be my friend again, even if it will not be the same as when we first met.” Luna started leaning into me. “Perhaps we can just sit here and talk? I have heard of… how Equestira’s national heroes are treating you. You were being charged seven bits for an orange?” She asked.
“I was. It kinda sucked, but it doesn’t matter anymore,” I shrugged. “As you can tell, I kinda moved into the Hive, and with most Hives implementing a Greenhouse, I can get oranges all I want.” I booped Luna on the nose and she reeled back slightly, glaring at the finger. “And I no longer have to worry about how ponies are treating me when the only ponies I speak to are… Celestia, Venice Arrow, Golden Arrow, you, and sometimes Twilight. Twilight Sparkle’s not exactly happy about me treating Chrysalis like my Mom, even though she basically is, and treats me like her son.” It also didn’t help that Chrysalis charges Twilight and her friends ten bits a train ride, or twenty bits to just visit me and go home.
Chrysalis really does not like Rarity or Rainbow Dash. Everyone else just got punished because of them, and then Twilight was just openly racist towards changelings. She still refers to Chrysalis as a thing, it, or some other demeaning thing.
So, we just idly sat in the sitting room, I sipped on tea, Luna read a book, and I idly petted her.
The door opened up again, Celestia walked in with Chrysalis laid across her back, with a dopey expression on her face. She was hiccuping slightly. Luna’s nose wrinkled. “Sister, you should take a bath before you attend day court. I can smell… what you were doing with Chrysalis. I know you two are dating, but please wait until you are about to go to bed before you two decide to have fun? You two go at it more than Cadance and Shining Armor do.”
“I suppose I should take a shower before I go attend Day court, and so should Queen Chrysalis; she is helping me out with it today, as a showing of good faith; that she is willing to help out her allies no matter the task.” She whispered something to Chrysalis, which made my adoptive mother blush. “I see that you and Bob have made amends?” Celestia asked, cocking her head to the side. “Given Bob’s resolve to not forgive Twilight’s friends over what they did, I thought he’d be a lot less forgiving with what…”
“Celly, I haven’t forgiven Luna, but I am willing to try to move on. And unlike some of Twilight’s friends, Luna’s shown remorse. Rainbow, after talking shit, kept talking shit. Rarity called me a creep while we were heading to lunch, and called me a creep again over some retarded gossip. AJ, Pinkie, and Fluttershy were alright, even if the first of those three only tolerated me because I was a business partner. Pinkie just straight up scares me, and Fluttershy and I haven’t hung out one on one, so I don’t have much of an opinion on her. They seem more inclined to be loyal to Rarity and Rainbow than to me, which is understandable. Though it doesn’t help that occasionally AJ or Pinkie would sometimes chime in when Rainbow started saying shit behind my back; basically, Luna’s making the effort to make amends. Twilight’s friends have not. I like Twilight, she was one of my best friends, but she really is dead set on hating changelings for the wedding. Even if time, and time again, I tell her what those guys do for me, and what they have done for me.”
Celestia nodded. “Well, it is nice to see you and Luna are at least attempting to be friends again; it’ll certainly make her happy that we’ll be having a sleepover, hence why-”
“You and Mom had some kinky sex now instead of later?” That made both the Queen and Princess blush like mad. “What? I’m seventeen, not a four year-old. I know what you two were doing.”
“WE WERE READING A BOOK TOGETHER!” Chrysalis shouted. She had that ‘defensive’ look in her eyes.
“Likely story,” Luna said with a smug grin. “You reek of sex, and even Bobs knows what you two are doing. Why are you embarrassed?”
“Seriously,” I chimed in. “You two are a cute couple, after all!” I then got beaten into the couch by two angry, pillow wielding mares.
Author's Note
Luna and Bob maybe trying to be friends again, but Luna’s going to have to… take a lot of pain for true forgiveness.
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How to Win in an Apple Cider Competition. Also it is Really Hard to Stay Mad at Really Cute Mares.
So, I was sitting in my living room one day, mostly just vibing now that I didn't exactly have friends to hangout with. Well, I did, and she was being a lap-changeling-queen. Yeah, Chrysalis decided to stop by and pay me a visit for some reason(as in some bug told her I was feeling down and betrayed), and I was all too happy to test out a backscratcher on her. And Chrysalis was all too happy to be a test subject; she had her eyes closed in raw relaxation as it ran across the back of her head.
“So you want my Hive to help you build a ‘greenhouse’?” Chryssy asked as she opened an eye and began reading the scroll that had the schematics for it. “It shows the mechanisms, but I would like to know what I am helping you build; I will not offer my assistance in order to you otherwise. Even if your arguments for why I should anyways are quite convincing…” Chrysalis grabbed my hand with her magic, quickly stopping I before could react. “My apologies… I forgot about how Luna took advantage of you. A little to the left please?” I did as asked. “Much better.”
“So you know how I felt… betrayed by my pony friends?”
“Of course. Gengar told me about what was said about you. How are you nothing more than an animal?”
“Of course… you don’t think I’m just some animal, do you?” Chrysalis got up and off the couch, returning to her actual size, before placing both her hooves on my shoulder, and then moving my head up with one. Now we were eye to eye.
“Do you have ambition?” I nodded. “Do you dream?” I nodded again. “Then you are more than an animal at a minimum. My Hive has taken some of your technology and enjoys it. Changelings are having fun with baking, thanks to your miniature ovens that can be fueled with magic rather than coal even if we don’t need to eat. Calculators are brilliant, measuring tapes are even better. You are incredibly intelligent, or at a minimum, good and rebuilding your race’s technology from the ground up. You’ve earned my respect, Bob, and you are an equal to me because of that; you’re technically the king of your race because you are the only one of your race.”
“That’s… a bullshit reason to consider me an equal.”
“You also rub my belly, and it feels good, so you at least have earned my affection. I don’t give that out lightly, especially to non-changelings. So, what is a greenhouse?”
“It’s another form of human technology, where it’s a building that lets you grow plants at any time of year. It works by keeping the room a certain temperature using a mixture of chemicals, automatically waters them, fertilizer can be used, yotta yotta, this gives me an excuse to not enter Ponyville at all . I don’t have to interact with my friends . Well, except Venice Arrow and her foal; they’re still pretty chill. That’s why I want this built. I could do it myself, but you guys built this house, and it’s the most well-built building I’ve seen here, period. My tune may change if I visit Canterlot, but this house is more stably built and hardier than everything in Ponyville. I trust your ‘lings’ ability to make my project a reality.”
Chrysalis paused and looked over the blueprints again. “I will see that it is done. You may have to feed the changelings on sight for payment, but many would build this for you, even without payment. They all like you, but because you are you, you’d probably rub their bellies, pet them all, and then inadvertently feed them with affection, which is second only to love for changelings. Of… course, I would also like some vegetables every now and then; I quite like tomatoes and I enjoy snacking on them on occasion.”
“You don’t even need to ask; I was gonna offer you ‘lings some of the produce from the greenhouse as partial payment aside from me showering them in affection. How long ‘til it’s built?”
“Should be a week or so; we need to get the glass for this somehow.”
“Fair enough. Again, thank you Chrysalis!” I slipped under the Queen’s hooves and hugged her. “You, legitimately, are the coolest person I have met. And that’s with knowing a literal Sun Goddess.” Chrysalis remained silent and I rubbed my cheek into her long neck. “I wanna hangout with you more, so stop by a bit more often, alright?”
“...Of course. However, I have been busy with planning something big, so I don’t know how often I can visit. I will definitely visit throughout the week where we are building your greenhouse…” Chrysalis lowered to her knees and rested her head on my shoulder. “It’s been so long since anyone has hugged me like this, or have I allowed myself to be hugged. It’s… quite pleasant,” Chrysalis purred and I jerked slightly. “Did I do something wrong?” I pulled back, keeping my hands on her shoulders.
“You can purr?”
“I can, why do you ask?”
“Why the actual, flying fuck are you so fucking cute?” I was now squishing the Queen’s cheeks.
“I’m cute?” Chrysalis’s eyes got wider, before her head was enveloped in flames, only to reveal her face again, but now proportion to that of a filly’s. “Truly?”
“You don’t need to look like a filly to be cute, Chrysalis. You’re fucking adorable as is!” Because Chrysalis is surprisingly light, despite how big she is, I scooped her up and held her bridal style. I then spun around and Chrysalis gave a needlessly cute giggle as I did so. Sadly, Chrysalis had to go, so she gently nipped me, and I put her back on her hooves. “I assume you gotta go?”
“Of course I do… sadly. A Hive won’t run on its own.” We shook hands and hooves, and Chrysalis was gone. Like she just melted into the floor and was gone without even leaving a scorch mark. I sighed as I sat back down on the couch to enjoy some silence. Well, I got to enjoy it for all of twenty seconds before somebody started hammering on my door like they were about to lose their livelihood. So of course, I groaned, got out of my seat and went to the door. When I opened it, Twilight and her friends, with AJ at the forefront, were standing outside of it. I stared blankly at them before going to close the door.
“Wait!” I stopped halfway through closing the door. AJ and the rest of fuckasses, then proceeded to force their way in. Gengar, who was sitting next to the stove with a pot still kinda full of pudding jumped, and disappeared upstairs, leaving the pot to land perfectly on the stove like it was never disturbed by a changeling. So I was left alone with six ponies, there four of the six were intolerable, Fluttershy was pretty cute, and I always got along with Twilight. So I sat in my favorite chair and rested my head in one of my hands and sighed.
“Are you guys here to voice how ‘sorry’ you all are? If so, you can feel free to say,” I pulled out some earplugs. “It’ll get me an opportunity to test these out at least.”
“We aren’t here to say sorry; we know what we said was incredibly awful, but we are here to ask for help. Two… inventors, the Flim Flam Brothers, came to Ponyville and made a bet with the Apple Family. Their machine makes apple cider, and their machine’s a bit faster than just four Apples are, as much as Ah hate to admit it. It’s also still a wee bit quicker than we are, even with honorary members of the Apple Family. We need your help to beat these guys, some sorta human invention or something! Ah don’t know!” I blinked a couple times before sighing. “Well? Are you willing to help us?”
Apple Jack gave me this sweet little smile that woulda won me over a couple weeks ago. I’m a couple weeks older and spiteful.
“You got on my ass for not doing things traditionally not even two weeks ago, AJ. Tell me, tell me why I should help you when I hear you voice similar opinions, that your friends share, about me being some dumb animal. We’re fucking business partners, and you think I’m a god damn idiot. Like fuck, if it weren’t for that little tid bit of us being partners, I would have zero reason to talk to you, let alone want to talk to you.” I reached over my chair and grabbed a toolbox. “However, I am interested in your competition; I wanna see what pony inventors have to offer. Because I plan on making my own cider machine to spike with vodka next Christmas. Now get outta my house.”
“You… aren’t helping us?” Rainbow asked. “You gotta! We’re your friends-”
“Were my friends. Thank you for making my point for me! You were my friends, and now the only two I would even consider seeking out are Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy! Rainbow, you were the ringleader in what was said about me not too long ago. I know how you see me, and what you actually think of me. My loyalty, you have not earned, and you’ve yet to even make amends with me, do anything to show true remorse besides some sad eyes. Just anything to prove you’re willing to actually see me as a person and friend . Shut the fuck up about loyalty because you were disloyal by talking shit about me behind my back.
“You were fucking awesome, you did cool stunts that I loved watching from the library, you were fucking funny, and you moved at the speed of god damn sound. I’ve voiced how awesome you are while you weren’t around, and I never said anything ill about behind your back. I was loyal to my friends, and I repay it tenfold. You, on the other hand, seem to not do that at all. So shut the fuck up, Rainbow Dash. Now, the six of you should leave; I’m about to leave and I don’t want people in my home while I’m not home.” Once they all left, each giving me a sad glance on the way out, I grabbed my toolbox and headed into Ponyville.
It really didn’t take me to find the inventors, since they were in the middle of town flaunting their new machine as they poured apples into it. “Greetings, gentlemen.”
“Howdy partner! You’re quite an interestin’ looking fella!” Nicely concealed racism? dick. “Interested in some cider?”
“Actually, I was hoping to take a gander on the insides of your machine. I wanna make my own at some point, for personal use; I don’t wanna encroach on your business, it’s really fucking scummy.” Like how you’re encroaching on the Apple Family’s business, scumbags. “Can I take a peek? As a fellow inventor, I love seeing how stuff works.”
“How do we know you won’t-”
“If I sell any cider in the future with my design, I’ll give you all the profits. You have my word.” I’m lying through my teeth. Well, not really, I wasn’t lying. I just won’t be selling cider; it’ll encroach on somebody else’s business after all. I looked over the cider machine, which was stupidly huge for what it did, and I hummed. “I could probably even build you guys an improved, faster version free of charge, but I see that your design is flawless.”
“Of course it is! And if you hold to your word-”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” I did the motions and all. “So can I look under the hood?”
“Uh… sure.” So I went in, under the machine and had a good look at the internals.
“Holy shit this thing sucks.” I whispered as I tapped around, noticing how there was nothing to separate the apples from the leaves, or even take the seeds out. With how it apparently sucks apples right off the trees, along with whatever those apples were attached to, that was wholly terrible. That still didn’t help the fact that it also just wasn’t well-built circuitwise. Of course, because I’m an asshole, I took the wench I had in my pocket and knocked a gear or three out of place and unscrewed a few screws. I never said I wasn’t going to be helping my old friends; I still want the best for them after all. I slid out. From under it. “This thing… is outstanding.” I lied through my teeth.
“Of course! I’m glad a fellow inventor can see the wonders of the Flim Flam Brothers’ Super Cider Squeezy 6000! And if you plan on somehow improving our design to sell your own cider, and fully agree to give us the proceeds, then we will happily look forward to you being a business partner!”
So the competition began, with the whole apple family, along with ‘honorary members’, began going to town, going faster than ever before while the Flim Flam Brothers’ machine kept pace. I wasn’t really paying attention too much, since I was building my own cider machine, but when I looked up, I couldn’t help but admire how fast the Apple Family, plus the rest of the Elements, was going. I may not like one, certain member, but I could respect the hustle. The cider squeezer that the Brothers were using was accepting everything, branches, rotten apples, worms , anything to be made into cider, until one of the gears fell out for some odd reason that I couldn’t explain.
And then the thing blew up, sending the Brothers into space. “Looks like we’re blasting off again!” I waved.
“Yo, make sure you mail me my paycheck every month!” I waved. “Stupidasses,” I chuckled and looked down at my own machine. It was pretty simple, since it took actual apples being put into it by hand, had a simple see and stem collection system and grinder that ran on a crank and a couple bearings to make it run faster per crank. The entire town looked shocked, with bits and bops of the Flim Flam brothers’ machine being strewn all over the place, with the Apple Family in shock. Except for the Big Mac. Rainbow is a far faster pony than the big lump, even if said big lump probably has more stamina to spare. That said, he was currently stuck to the treadmill as it kept going round and round as the cyan pegasus took to the air.
“How the hay…”
“It… looks like the Apple Family wins by default!” Mayor Mare announced, and the whole town cheered. Of course, the family managed to make enough cider for everyone in town, so everyone decided to celebrate I guess. I went and picked a couple apples off a nearby tree and stuck it in my own machine before running it. Sure enough, I had my own mug, and took a sip. Hmmm. I could probably find some way to chill it; apple cider without alcohol in it is only good when cold. So I sat myself up on the fence and watched everyone enjoy their time partying.
Aside from when they look at me with a stink eye or two. That’s always fun. Another tried petted me until I shoved their snout into the mug they were holding so hard that it got stuck to their muzzle. They screamed and cursed as they ran away.
“Hey Bob!” Venice walked on up to me with a mug in her hooves, along with Arrow who was sleeping on her back. “Where’s your cider? Everypony in town is getting a mug!”
“I’m not a pony.”
“Bob, get a mug and enjoy yourself,” I pointed at the machine next to me.
“I can make my own mug if needed,” I lifted it. “See?” I took a sip. “It’s pretty basic, but it works. It doesn’t make cider sparkle, but it makes cider.” I took another sip. “So, how are things going?” I peeked over at Arrow. “I’m assuming he woke up a little early for today?”
“Well… he and Apple Bloom started dating recently, so he was excited to see her family compete. He may not have slept last night.” We both chuckled at that.
“Ah young love; how I wish I could’ve experienced that myself. I hope everything else is going well for you?”
“Of course I got a promotion at work, which means I can work a little less, but still get paid as much as I did before!”
“Cool. if you ever need help with anything, just lemme know… Last time I checked my bank account, I had at least twenty thousand bits. So if you’re struggling, again, just let me know. Aight?”
“Of course! And if you find yourself struggling, or just want some company, you can seek me out…” Venice sighed. “Sorry about not visiting you on Hearth’s Warming by the way. I made a promise to myself I would, and Arrow was so excited too, but we got sick.”
“Eh, don’t worry about it, lass.” I hopped down and wrapped an arm around Venice’s neck. “Shoulda told me you were sick though. I woulda loved taking care of you if I knew you were sick.” Venice simply chuckled. “Yeah, I know, you wouldn’t even be able to tell me you were sick.” I ruffled her mane. “Stop by my place later, eh? I’m sure Arrow would love another sleepover.”
“Of course!” Venice went off to probably get her kid to bed, and I was soon approached by Twilight and her friends, each holding an empty mug.
“Sup,” I waved. “How was kicking the Flim Flam Brothers’ asses in the competition?”
“You weren’t even watching,” Rainbow growled. “And then you wonder-”
“I knew you were gonna win. I had a look at their machine; it fucking sucked shit and was way too big for what it does. Nice work running that treadmill, though.” I waved a hand. “I also got a nice chance to…” I pulled out my wrench. “Look around that machine, hence why I knew why it would fucking blow. And even if I had nothing to do with it, there was so much rotten shit going into the cider that none of it woulda sold anyways.” I slid the wrench away. “On the brightside, I have another invention that I could probably sell. Or lease the design to somebody to sell.” I picked up my cider machine. “Built this during the competition, and it can make cider at home if I need it. Or grape juice… ooh that is definitely what I’mma do after I clean this thing off.”
“Wait, what did you do to the Super Cider Squeezy 6000?” Twilight asked.
“I used my wrench to prod at it, and it blew up because I knocked a cog out of place.”
“That-”
“They were going to ruin somebody else’s livelihood with that machine, AJ. I may not like you anymore, but I don’t want you and your family to go homeless because you lost a stupid bet you shouldn’t have made. And as said, I return kindness tenfold, and I still owe you that after the tolerance you’ve shown me.” I grabbed my toolbox and my machine. “And I repaid my debt to you. It’s as simple as that.”
“You… actually helped us,” Apple Jack said, like she couldn’t believe it. “It was a bit underhoofed, but you helped us.”
“I…” Rainbow walked up to me. “You actually came through for us,” Rainbow raised a hoof, likely expecting me to take it. “Want to start over? I… you actually came through for us despite what we said about you. I want to make up for that.” I knelt down slightly so I was looking Rainbow in the eyes. “Uh… Kevin?”
“You know, I was about to accept your apology; I hate holding grudges. But did you actually have to call me by that name? I believe I said that name no longer holds any meaning to me.”
“Why do you hate your actual name anyways? It’s better than Bob,” Twilight cocked her head, and it was the only reason why I answered. Because that her tilt was cute as fuck.
“You know how I said I hate my parents, and how they mistreated me?” Twilight nodded. “They gave me that name. I want zero ties to them. And since Bob, for some stupid reason, stuck, I figured that would be my name. If I somehow make history, I want that name to be written in the history books. The name of a man that made a difference in the world, not some fuck-up from a dead-end town that wouldn’t even made waves in a small pond. My name is Bob; Kevin has long since died, Twilight.”
“Ah…” AJ took her hat off. “Ah didn’t know that was why you never told us your actual name. I thought you didn’t trust us.”
“You showed me trust by letting me rub your belly. You may not think much of it, but that is a sign of trust to me. Your belly is one of the most vulnerable spots on your body, aside from your throat. There are no bones, the skin in those areas are very thin and fragile as well. If I wanted to, I could slice those open with a knife and kill you whenever you let me rub your belly, and yet you let me rub it anyways, AJ, lemme tell you something important…” I raised a hand to my heart. “Trust goes both ways. Had I not heard what I heard, I would’ve shown up here and help you guys anyways, because friends should trust each other to be by the others’ side until the bitter end. Even if I would rather be asleep right now, I woulda shown up to help you as best as I could.” I took a deep breath.
“Look, I hate holding grudges, and I know you guys are sorry for what you’ve said. I’m willing to forgive, but I won’t forget what you’ve said. Especially you, Rainbow. We can be friends again, but you’re gonna have to work damn hard to regain my trust and loyalty again. And you’ll have to show me you aren’t just tolerating me; I can tell if you are. This’ll also be the only other chance I will give y’all. Ruin it, and I will recluse to my home, as I will soon have a reason to never go into town again. Capiche?”
“Uh…”
“That’s a human saying for ‘got it?’. Venice probably knows it at this point, and I know I’ve heard Celestia use it a few times.” I shrugged. “Meh, doesn’t matter.” I offered a hand. “This time, let’s actually be friends and not just acquaintances.” Rainbow took my hand, and I dropped my toolbox and machine. The machine could be fixed later. “Gotcha, bitch!” I scooped Rainbow up and started cradling her. Soon enough, her tongue was hanging out the side of her mouth after I rubbed her belly silly. “So, I have a few human treats, stuff called pudding and ice cream sandwiches. Wanna come and try them?”
“Uh… sure. You aren’t poisoning us, right, Bob?”
“Apple Jack, I could literally build a human weapon and kill you from several kilometers away and nobody would be able to find your body if I wanted to kill you. We’re working on trust again, aren’t we?”
“We are, but Ah’m not sure-”
“Pudding and ice cream sandwiches are made with stuff you ponies can digest safely. I made sure of that, since I was gonna have you guys try it out at that picnic that you were about to invite me to a few weeks ago. Well, pudding at least, is safe for you guys to eat. So is ice cream; I was gonna sell it after all.”
“Well, I am always looking forward to trying something new, so lead the way, Bob.” Rarity nudged me forward, and actually let me scratch behind her ears. Yes, Rarity is very soft. As we walked, Twilight had Spike write a letter to Celestia about how talking behind somebody’s back is bad, and Aj then sent a letter through Spike as well, about how hard work always shows. I shook my head as we walked on. Of course, Twilight made me also write a letter, so I talked about how friends will always have a ‘falling out’ of sorts, and that it takes efforts to work through it, the payoff is worth it, blah, blah, blah.
Rarity was a slut for pudding apparently; she ate half of what I had left after Gengar ate a good amount of it over the course of two weeks. While she was about to go into a food coma, I rubbed her belly, and I could hear her unconsciously squeal in delight as I rubbed that belly.
Author's Note
might’ve accidentally unpublished this chapter for 5 nano seconds. oops.