Well This is Awkward...
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Well This is Awkward...

*Ring Ring Ring*

I really hate that sound, I thought as I waved my arm around, trying to silence the irksome alarm. Honestly, I am not a morning person, especially after a late night. Whoever thought that having all of your chemistry classes start at eight is a complete and utter douchebag...

Getting up, my hands rummaged for a set of clothes while my brain's still trying to start up, but only belching smoke for the effort. Managing to get everything on the right limb, I made my way over to the sink and grabbed the toothbrush. After a quick brush of my teeth, I grabbed a pack of pop-tarts from my desk and walked out the door. Why yes, brushing your teeth then eating generally isn't how it works, but it's faster to eat while walking to class, which means more sleep. Besides, I'm never awake enough to actually taste it, it's just fuel for the fire.

Chemistry has such a high potential when it comes to how much fun you can have, so why did I get stuck with one of the most boring teachers possible? Gazing off into nothing as Mr. Bush explained the electron levels of atoms, I could barely keep my head off my desk. God... I've had economics lectures that were more interesting than this... Lady Luck must have smiled as the lecture finished up.

"Have a nice day class," Mr. Bush said as the class half-shambled out the door like the zombies they were, but some half-ran depending on how awake they were. "Your homework is posted and due Monday."

"One down, three to go," I muttered to myself, as I drug myself to my next class, Writer's Comp. This was bound to be fun, Ms. Brown was such a lively teacher. An hour later, class was dismissed after the most boring lecture she'd ever done, not to mention one of the few. Next up was American History, which could go either way, and then came animation, which was usually the bright light at the end of the tunnel. Today, however, the tunnel just didn't want to end. The network was unstable, but not so unstable as to cancel class, and Flash kept crashing. Why did this bullshit have to happen today? I swear I haven't saved so religiously since I played New Vegas when it first came out.

The hot, southern sun beat down on me as I walked across campus, but I ignored it as I made my way to my dorm. Once inside, the cool air was a blessing after being out in the Oklahoma summer, the bed creaking as my weight fell upon it. I didn't even bother taking my boots off, let alone my jeans or shirt. Darkness fell upon my mind as I drowsed, just glad to be done with class for the day. Unfortunately, something had different plans, as a sudden weightlessness fell upon me, right before I hit a hard surface. Rubbing my head and wondering how I'd fell off my bed, I was puzzled as to why my surroundings seemed off.

First off, I didn't have a door near my bed, yet there one was to my right. Secondly, tile is not something you find in a dorm room, but the smoothness under my hands definitely wasn't linoleum. Thirdly, it was hot and humid, to the point the air was slightly foggy. The last bit of information was the most disturbing though, since it was a shriek of indignation that suddenly filled the room, covering the sound of falling water that had been the ambient sound seconds before.

"What the hell!?" The voice was feminine and angry, never a good combination.

Sorry Ma'am, I don't know! I said as sat up. Well, that's what I meant to say, a searing pain in my throat put an end to that. Blinking stupidly, a mirror caught my attention. With most of my brain working on figuring out what the hell just happened, I unconsciously wrote a message on the foggy surface.

Sorry Ma'am, don't know, voice is fucked. I wasn't expecting a good reaction, or really expecting anything, my brain being slightly preoccupied with my sudden relocation.

"You're a human, you shouldn't have a voice!"

Well, I'm not usually mute...

"You're supposed to always be mute!" She exclaims as I turn towards her, brain still numb from trying to figure out what the hell's going on. "And don't look at a mare when she's in the shower!"

What could be seen in the shower was indeed a mare, one that had a sandy colored face, a light blue mane, and dark blue eyes. Standing there wide-eyed with her horn glowing a light green and a bottle of shampoo floating nearby that glowed of the same color.

Wait, a horn? The fuck?

"GET OUT! GET! OUT! NOW!"

Apparently that was the last straw, since the shampoo bottle suddenly began to assault me to the tempo of her yells. One swift retreat out of the bathroom later, I found myself in a bedroom. It was... quite unique. The walls were red brick, the floor was covered in a soft, tan carpet. There was also a huge bed against the far wall covered with a dark green comforter, a nightstand with a lamp and what looked like a diary on the right, while a dresser flanked it on the left. There was another door to my right, and along the left wall was a huge shelf covered in random things. Walking over to it, I started looking over it, and found everything from a most magnificent moonstone, to what looked like a someone took a Coca~Cola collection and renamed it 'Sunrise Sarsaparilla'. Yawning, I drop face first on to the bed, falling asleep as my mind continued its shut-down.

"Get off my bed!" Another shriek pierced my skull.

God, this mare screams a lot, I wonder what her neighbors think. Rolling off the bed and crashing to the floor by the nightstand, my hand gropes around for the pen and book on it. Flipping to the last page, I start writing.

Can you Is as far as I got before she rips it from my hands and pins me to the ground.

"Don't you dare touch that again, I will kill you if you so much as think of doing it."

Damn, that's the most horribly cute death-glare I've ever gotten. I sure as hell wasn't going to see if she kept her promise, though, and opted to just write on my arm. Where am I?

"You're in my home, dumbass!"

Could you stop screeching, my ears hurt. And can I have a piece paper? Ouch... My face... That's going to leave a mark. Okay, that one was uncalled for, shall we start over?

"What kind of freak are you? You can't write! And why aren't you being aggressive?" The mare looked frazzled, though just coming out of the shower didn't help much. She did, however, rip the defiled piece of paper out of the back of her diary and handed it to me.

Thanks, since I'm trying not to flip the fuck out here, can we start over? I'm Jack Smith, I'm from Oklahoma, I'm a college student, and I have no idea where I am.

"Uh, hi Jack, you're in Manehattan, and where is 'Oklahoma' anyway?" The mare asked, rolling Oklahoma around her mouth, trying to get a grasp on the foreign word.

Part of the USA, since apparently you have humans around here, shouldn't you know about the country with the colossal army?

"Never heard of it."

...What planet am I on?

"Equus, why?" And with that, my brain decided to hell with this shit, now was a good time for a nice nap.

A splash for water woke me, causing me to splutter and attempt to mutter some very unpleasant curses. Grasping around for a pen, I turned towards the offending mare, currently too pissed to care about the fact this was a fucking horse that I was talking to.

The flyng fuck?

"You passed out. I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered."

How long was I out?

"About five minutes. I got bored," the mare stated with a shrug. "But I made sure to down half a bottle of very hard cider before I woke you up, it's done wonders for my nerves."

It's not like I wanted to come here! I'm just glad I didn't stumble in while you were pleasuring yourself.

"That's what you say, but you've never had a piece of this flank. If only you knew, I'd have you begging just to watch me pleasure myself!" She replied, then slapped me. Again. "And it's rude to insinuate such things about a mare."

Sorry lady, I don't do the whole quadruped thing.

"Don't knock it till you've tried it."

That an offer? The good news is I didn't get slapped again. The bad news is that I got assaulted by a barrage of pillows, courtesy of the nearby bed.

"I'm not that drunk yet."

Me either.Flipping the page over, I added, Want to go to somewhere that's not your bedroom? And can I have something to eat? Or at least a drink?

"Sure, come along Mr. Alien, I don't want you stinking up my room up anyway." And with that, she went out the door and into the living room, with more of the brick walls and carpet, with a kitchen in one corner that housed stone counters and a wooden table. Hooves clacking as she moves from carpet to the tile in the kitchen, she fills a glass with water and grabs an apple, putting them in front of me as I take a seat. "Eat up and explain yourself."

Shrugging, I took a bite out of the apple, and it was very delicious. It was also soon gone, funny how that happens. Thinking for a moment as I sipped on the water, I just started from the beginning. I'm a guy from Earth, which is apparently not where I am now, and I went to take a nap, then ended up here. I can promise you I didn't plan, nor want, this to happen. My turn, why do you keep saying I shouldn't be able to... Do anything, it seems.

"Well, we have humans here, it's just that they're really not that much different than dogs. The ones around here are generally kept as pets, though some are for work." She gave me a rather sadistic looking grin before adding, "Though there are also some that basically use them as sex slaves, I even recall hearing a rumor about a brothel that exclusively employed humans..."

You're telling me if I'd have shown up elsewhere, I could have looked forward to getting raped by talking unicorns for the rest of my life? I think I'll keep the bruises.I wrote, disbelief plastered across my face

"Don't forget the pegasi and earth ponies, they'd want a piece of that ass too."

May I have some of whatever it is you're drinking? She didn't even reply, she just levitated a bottle out of the cabinet behind her and sat it in front of me. Now, I hardly ever drink, and I had no idea what was in the bottle, but that didn't stop me from going bottoms up and draining a quarter of it before setting it down. Thank you, in about five minutes, I could probably kiss you for that. That's also pretty damned tasty... Hard liquor that tastes good is a rarity where I'm from.

"You're welcome, you really looked like you needed it, though I'd have to down the rest of the bottle before I kissed you." She grinned deviously at me, "Besides, I thought you said you didn't want a piece of me?"

Hey, anything can happen when you're drunk. More paper please? Some weird glowing later and I had a small stack near me. Okay, so are you some sort of Jedi or something?

"Jedi? What's that?"

You know, glowy swords, move shit with their minds, those guys.

"Nope, I'm just a unicorn, though I am fairly good at making illusions with my magic."

Magic, you can do magic?

"Well, yeah, I've been moving things around, haven't I?"

Excuse me not noticing, since I've been inflicted by teleportation induced brain melting. So what all can you do with it?

"I'm good with parlor tricks and stuff. Magical fireworks, images, smoke, those kind of things."

Show me please? Reading it, the mare grinned and backed from the table. Once in the middle of the room, a pair of sparklers, or at least the burning tips, appeared and began to weave in a complex dance. It was dazzling, flashy, and one hell of a show. At the end of the display, they exploded like the 4th of July.

That was amazing!I threw my hands up in the air too, for added effect.

"It wasn't too bad, I haven't practiced in some time. Mostly I just use my magic for misdirection and such, it makes relieving ponies of their valuables so much easier," she replied with a cocky grin.

Thief huh? Now why would a pretty mare like you be a thief?

"The pay's good, I only work the hours I want, and there's just something special about seeing some rich snob's expression when they first realized they've been robbed blind, and have no idea who did it."

Yeah, I can see why you'd like it, though I never bothered with thievery back home. Then again, I didn't need to.A thought made me facepalm. What is your name, anyway? Silenced followed for a few seconds afterwards.

"How did I forget to introduce myself? Anyway, my name's Sparx."

You were too busy yelling at me for peeking at you in the shower.I wrote with a smirk.

"Cheeky bastard. So, I take it you've no idea how to get back home?"

Nope.

"Well, you could always go and ask the Princesses. If anypony has an answer, it'll be them."

They're the leaders of a nation that enslaves humans, yes?

"Well... Yeah, I guess they are. I hear they're really nice though." Sparx tells me with a winning smile.

Yeah... Nope.

"Well you're not going to be bumming off me! How are you going to pull your weight here?"

Sex slave? A crooked grin crossed my face as she read it.

"Nope, you're not getting off that easy, pervert." Sparx told me with a glare.

I didn't mean for you, I figured you'd try to pimp me out on the streets or something. I wrote with a chuckle, adding, Though if you have a better idea, I'm all ears

"Well, I was thinking I might show you how I work, take you on as an... apprentice of sorts."

Definitely sounds better than being a prostitute. Then again, you mares might actually be one hell of a fuck. I'll have to figure out at some point.

"That's great... You've just got here, and you're already thinking about sleeping around with 'aliens'. Goddesses, we're about as far from each other in appearances as you can get!"

Sex is sex, and I'm sure it won't take me long to find something about your kind to adore, even if you don't have boobs.I wrote with a shrug. Too bad I won't go so low as to fuck a mindless animal, cause I'm sure there's got to be at least one good looking lady among the slaves.

"I'll let you be the judge of that, cause compared to the rest of the male human's I've seen, you're quite the pretty-boy. Of course, the well kept ones are practically nothing but muscle, so they do have you there."

I'm a 'pretty-boy'? The humans here must be ugly as hell, guess I won't have to worry about wanting to fuck one

"Seriously, is sex all your brain ever thinks about?" She asked me as a look of derision graced her features.

Only when I'm drinking. Which is oddly one of the reasons I don't go drinking much, something about sexual harassment charges just breaks the bank.

"Oh? And how many have you had?"

Just one, she took offense when I asked her to fuck and when she told me to back down, and I told her it's not easy to get back down once you're as hard as she got me. Normally I'd probably just have gotten a warning or something, probably forcibly thrown out of the bar, but she just happened to be the daughter of a judge...The mare practically busted a gut before she'd finished reading.

"Oh Celestia, did you really do that?"

Eyup, I avoided jail time, but got fined to hell over it. Mostly because I didn't say anything too aggressive, or show her my dick. Really glad of that, to be honest.

"You're an idiot, you know that?" Sparx said with a chuckle that turned into a yawn halfway, a puzzled look adorning her muzzle as she suddenly thought of something. Apparently it was important, because she stayed that way for a full minute before letting out a sigh.

"Well, it's bed time, and since I've got the only bed, you're stuck on the couch."

I debated internally for a few seconds, but decided to pass on a joke about sleeping with her and simply wrote. Works for me, wouldn't mind a pillow though. And is there an extra bathroom?

"Nope, just grab a pillow on your way back out, and shut the door behind you. Good night." And with that, the sandy mare walked into her room.

Getting up myself, I took care of my base needs, then grabbed a body pillow off the floor to sleep with and made my way to the couch. Emptying my pockets, which held my phone, wallet, and knife, I tossed my shirt on the pile before stretching out on the couch. Laying out, my feet hung over the edge, but it was wide enough to curl up on. She's got tons of pillows, but only one set of blankets? Maybe I should have toned it back on the jokes, because I've the oddest feeling she's hiding them as punishment... And with that last thought still echoing in my head, I dropped onto the couch, cuddled up with the pillow, and promptly fell asleep.

Author's Note

Welp, here's a thing, comments are more appreciated than likes and dislikes, and constructive criticism in a league of its own.

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

I woke up to the smell of... Is that pancakes? I love pancakes! But I don't smell bacon, that's just wrong... Wait, I'm not making pancakes... Who the hell's in my house? I jumped up from where I lay, and see a pony making breakfast. This is also a couch, not my bed, which meant it hadn't conformed to me yet, making it inferior. And then the anvil fell, and I remembered what'd transpired last night. Well this's a bitch... I internally grumble as I make my way over to where Sparx was making some pancakes. Picking the pen and paper off the table, I jot down a new note before tapping her on the shoulder.

What's for me?

"Hell if I know," she replied while flipping her pancakes on to a plate, "just do whatever it is you usually do. I mean, you're a grown ass stallion, aren't you?"

I poke her for such insolence. Man

"Close enough. I'm done with the kitchen, so have at it. Just, for Goddess's sake, don't burn the place down." I was told as she made her way to the table.

Figuring I might as well follow her lead, I started making my own pancakes, though I made sure to add a generous heap of cinnamon and a dash of sugar. Soon the smell of pancakes got stronger, and I piled them onto a plate and sat across from where Sparx was lazily picking at what was left on her plate. Smothering the pancakes in syrup, I dug into them, my eyes lighting up and a grin splitting my face when I got a taste of the syrup. Grabbing my pen, I hurriedly scribbled.

Holy shit, is this real maple syrup?

"There's maple syrup that isn't real?" I didn't even bother writing a reply, I just got up and gave her a hug and a peck on the cheek, then went back to devouring the delicious food. Her expression, however, was priceless.

"What the fuck! At least give me a warning next time so I can tell you to go suck a dick!"

That was the only way I could truly express my love for this syrup. To call it delicious would be a folly an understatement!

"Okay, fine, but if you do that again, I'll hand you over to a mad scientist. Trust me when I tell you that you do not want to be known by them, seeing as they'd probably dissect you. But don't worry, I'm sure they'd be able to keep you alive through the process," she finished with an evil grin. My only response was to throw a hand up in surrender. I should have had both hands up, but I was still using one for food.

Finally, after I'd finished the food and tidied up the kitchen, we ended up in the living room. Sparx went and grabbed a rather fancy looking pair of saddlebags and slung them over her back.

"Okay big boy, first lesson's in pick pocketing, I'm sure those fingers of yours should be good for that. These bags each have something of value inside, all you've got to do is get them out without me noticing. Got it?" I could have wrote something down, but that'd be boring, so I just gave her my best salute.

"Good, shall we?" And with that, practice begun.

God, this is such a pain in the ass... I'd been trying for hours to get something, anything, out of those accursed bags without her noticing. I'd wait a random set of time, and then go for it, but as soon as I'd so much as touched the thing, she would just turn around with a huge smirk on her face before telling me to try again. Then, a devious plan entered my mind. Fuck it, all systems go! I lunged for her, giving her a huge hug.

"Get off me! You're supposed to be stealing stuff, not assaulting me!" The mare yelled at me, one of her eyes slightly twitching. Seeing the danger in that twitch, I hop back.

"So, are you going to try again? Or do you just want me to kick your ass?" Giving her my best smirk, which is a damn good one, I revealed a ring in one hand, and a small coin purse in the other.

"Really? Instead of getting good at what I asked, you cheat?" Sparx deadpanned while I grabbed my notepad.

Eyup, that's how my Humans do it. If you can't do it the right way, come up with one that still gets the job done. Loopholes are a specialty of ours.

"Good, can't have some moral crusader trying to act a part and screwing it up. I don't have a bounty to my name, and I don't intend to get one!" Then she glared at me, which was still disturbingly cute in a deathly manner. "And this is your last warning about touching me without permission.

Okay, I won't do it again. Also, you should know that you don't do scary very well. Every time you glare at me like that, I swear I'm going to have a diabetes induced heart attack. I mean, I'm generally not one for cute, but I highly doubt you could do anything and it not be utterly cute.

Reading over it, her sandy colored fur failed to cover the slight blush. "You think I'm cute? Really? And why do you think that?" She sounded like she couldn't decide whether it was a compliment or an insult.

I think it's the eyes, though being so colorful doesn't help matters, and I really can't pinpoint what exactly it is. Then again, it's probably a combination. However, I do know I'm going to have to come out with a new line of stuffed animal toys when I get back to Earth. I'm telling you, a plushy of you would sell like wildfire to little girls.

"Really? You're already thinking of how to make money off of this? That's almost despicable, in a sad way."

Says the thief who makes her living by robbing others.

"That's beside the point, mostly because if those greedy fucks can afford their own castle, they can afford a bit of silverware to go missing on occasion."

I just chuckled at that.Stealing is stealing, no amount of justification's going to make it "right" you know.

"True, but at least I'm not thinking like them."

Is it so wrong to make some quick cash so that I can live comfortably? Besides, it's not like it will affect this universe. I mean, what are they going to do? Learn to spy on this dimension and make a little show for girls called My Little Pony?

She pulled a face at that, "Yeah, I see your point... Now try again! And this time without touching me!"

Yes ma'am. And with that, we went back to the grueling exercise of me trying to rob her blind.

Turning around, Sparx gave me a smile as she lifted the saddlebags off and put them in their place.

"Good job, tomorrow we'll go out and let you loose on the general public." I just looked at her in confusion.

But I only managed to snatch something when I hugged you, wouldn't I just get caught?

"No idea, but it's not like I was taking it easy on you. A regular citizen, especially one of those rich snobs, wouldn't have near as much situational awareness as me. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?" She reassured me with a wink.

I'm not even going to say it, I'd hate to give whichever deity of cosmic balance you worship any ideas.

"Don't worry so much, I'll be able to get us out of trouble if you screw up."

I'm going to hold you to that. So what's for dinner? My rumbling stomach giving away any thoughts of passing it off as just being curious.

Sparx chuckled at my poor stomach, which was still rumbling audibly. "I was thinking of making some spaghetti, it's easy enough to make an extra helping of that."

Sounds great, haven't had veggie spaghetti before!

"Good enthusiasm, because I make a mean spaghetti!" The sandy mare replied as she begin to gather what she needed for the food.

Need any help?

"Nope, I've got this." She replied, before adding, "So, what's it like in your world?"

She started cooking, using her magic to pull out all of the food and dishes she'd need as I mulled it over, as it's a bit hard to try and describe humanity in a brief manner.It's full of all kinds. You've got saints, sinners, and everything between and beyond. We're highly technologically advanced, to the point where we can make more progress in the realms of science in a year than was made in first two thousand years of recorded history.

"So how exactly advanced are we talking here?" Her face slightly awed thinking of the possibilities.

Well, we put a man on the moon about fifty years ago, using computers that required entire rooms to hold them. I pulled my phone from my pocket, a Samsung Galaxy, and showed it to her.This is easily a hundred times more powerful than that computer was. I don't know the specifics, but it could even be a thousand times more powerful instead.

"Wait, you put a pony on the moon? Why would you do that? And wouldn't they get in trouble for it?"

Why would they get in trouble for landing on the moon?

"I'm sure Princess Luna wouldn't like it if random ponies started running around on her moon."

Her moon?

"Yeah, Luna controls the moon, and Celestia the sun."

I just sort of stare blankly at her as I write.Define 'control' please

"Move it around, keep the days or nights from getting too long, stuff like that. Don't you have somepony like that?"

You're telling me that your Princesses move the sun and moon around? And no, Earth orbits the sun, and the moon orbits Earth. The look on my face was probably priceless, but this was some crazy shit.

"That's weird, and what is that thing, anyway?" Her hoof pointed at my phone, which I'd laid on the table.

Do you have telephones here?

"Yeah, why?"

It's a wireless phone, that has many uses. Well, it did, I doubt I'll get service here, and even if you do have electricity, I don't have my charger.

She just shook her head as she put the finishing touches on the food. "You're telling me you can talk to people with that thing? Without any wires?"

Compared to being told that you seem to have deities for princesses, telling you this thing can talk to someone on the other side of the world shouldn't be unbelievable.

"If you say so." She didn't look convinced, but she apparently had decided to drop it as she set a pair of plates full of spaghetti down on the table. "Eat up, tomorrow's going to be a hectic day."

Nodding in agreement, I dug into the spaghetti. It was quite delicious, though sadly lacking in sausage or hamburger. It seems that my ability to enjoy eating just about anything would come in handy, since I couldn't see myself getting a piece of bacon any time soon, let alone a steak. Of course, since this place did have humans, it wouldn't hurt to ask.

Any chance I'll be able to get a steak at some point? Or maybe some bacon? I do rather love me some bacon. I tapped my fork on my plate to get her attention, which had been solely focused on her food.

"Uh... We should be able to, there's a butcher over in the gryphon's district. Never liked the place, terrible smell, but you can almost always count on it disturbing the Solar Guards." She chuckled, before adding, "You'd really think the guard that's supposed to be protecting us all from harm would be a little less squeamish. Sadly, you can't pull that trick on the Lunar Guard, they'll just keep chasing you without so much as a cough."

Why is there two distinct guards? Couldn't that cause issues in the chain of command?

"It's about as rare as a snowball in Tartarus, but I've seen it happen once or twice. As for two? It's because the Solar Guard is Celestia's guard, and I suppose you'd call them the normal guard, since they tend to be the ones that deal with domestic matters. The Lunar Guard, however, is Luna's personal guard. They tend to be a little more... specialized. That, and there's not very many of them, just one for every major town and the area around them."

So, like rangers?

"I've no idea what a ranger is."

The kind I'm thinking of is from a book, and they had one ranger for every fief. They tended to work alone, and specialized in high priority threats, gathering intelligence, and being sneaky bastards in general.

"Okay then, like rangers. They usually don't get involved unless they notice it, or if it's something big. Seriously, I almost got caught by one of them when I was starting out, and I only got away by chance, which is why I do my best to make sure I keep a low profile. Get a big enough bounty, and they'll find you."

So, avoid Lunar Guards. Got it.Noticing her empty plate, I added.Done?

"Yeah, why?" She replied, slightly perplexed.

I'll get the dishes, you go do whatever it is you do, it's the least I can do I gave her an award winning smile as she read it.

"So, brownie points? Sure, go ahead, just don't break them."

You think I'm doing this for brownie points, and not out of the goodness of my heart? I'm sorely wounded!My arms fly up, exaggerating the remark. She just laughed as she went to her room.

Well, guess I'd better get to work... Why the hell did I volunteer for dishes? I hate doing dishes... Shrugging, I start the drudgery, letting my mind wander back to the good old days when I wasn't surrounded by talking unicorns. The cleaning didn't last very long, since there wasn't that many lying around. Pondering what to do next, I just decide to take a nap until something happens.

"Hey, you, get your ass up!" I roll off the couch at the sound of the voice, and start popping my joints as I wake up.

Yes, Your Highness? And that's a punch to the leg, definitely a violent one.

"It's time for work. But before we start, there's two things I'm not sure if I've mentioned before. First is that while we're out, you'll have to wear a collar and leash." She's laughing at the look of pure terror on my face, how rude. "And secondly, you'll have to keep your face under control, since our humans can really only show fear, pain, and anger."

You're telling me they can only show complex thoughts if they're negative? What kind of bullshit is that?

"Do I look like a scientist to you?"

Fair point, anything else?

"Well, you'll have to at least take your shirt off, since humans generally don't have much in the way of clothes, and your boots, they'll have to go too."

With an indignant look, I write the only right answer to such a thing. No.

"And how are you going to look incongruous with boots and a shirt?"

Take the shirt, but the boots stay. I don't care if I get taken in for 'examination, the boots stay.

"Really? You're that attached to those things?" The mare's face was full of surprise, with a hint of exasperation at the thought that boots were where I drew the line.

Yes. Though there's also the practical reasons that I don't have hooves and I've worn boots most of my life, walking around barefoot will likely tear my feet up. And I do NOT want to be running for my life with my feet shredded.

"Fine, if you insist. Now, are you ready to head out?" Eyeing the dangling collar and leash, I take off my shirt before she magically fastens it around my neck. "Now come along, my pet." The mare's smirk is massive, measures will have to be taken later to fix this.

It turns out there was a good reason for the lack of windows, a minor detail that I hadn't quite noticed before, since Sparx's house was underground. As soon as we'd left the front door, it because clear that we were in the sewers, with walls made of the same red bricks that lined her home. All in all it was a fairly generic fantasy sewer, there were even rats to kill! Fortunately, none of them were of the monstrous fire-breathing variety. Finally reaching a ladder, Sparx stops as she gets to the top.

"Remember, dull face. Pretend to be stupid, even though I'm sure that's easy for you." Being on a ladder, she couldn't look behind herself very well, so I gave a slap on the flanks as acknowledgement. While it's not as bad as getting kicked by a horse, I quickly learned that these ponies weren't slacking off leg on day.

Dragging myself up, I realize we're in a dark alley, one of those big city types with trash everywhere and barely enough room to squeeze a car through if you're not fond of your mirrors. As we headed towards the street, the waning light of dusk was shining, and I was actually rather curious as to what a sunset would look like in a new world. Out in the street, ponies of every color in the spectrum were steadily making their way through the city, probably heading towards home.

This place... That's a pegasus, that one's... as normal as a purple pony with neon green hair can be. Holy shit, that's a gryphon... I just stare at the ground and follow Sparx, all of these sights are starting to become overwhelming.

"Okay boy, time to see if you've learned anything," the sandy mare tells me as she takes the leash off and takes a seat on a nearby bench. Scouting the area, I noticed an earth pony mare in a particularly frilly dress with a pair of nice and big pockets. Heading toward her, she notices me and starts talking at me.

"Aren't you a pretty boy? Where's your owner at? I'm sure she's upset that you're missing!" I tilt my head, as she talks, and sit down in front of yellow mare.

"Lost boy?" My only response is to start running my fingers through her dark green mane, eliciting a slight shudder. "Now I know just what you're for!" I just keep petting her with one hand while I slide my other gently into a pocket, and pull out a gem-studded make-up case, which I slide into my back pocket.

"Come on boy, I'll help you find your owner in the morning, it's late outside and you can't spend the night wandering alone." Wow, this place really does consider me nothing more than a pet. Sparx decided to come to my rescue as the yellow mare pulled a leash out of her purse.

"Jon! How dare you run off like that! You almost gave me a heart attack!" Sparx was really hamming it up as she trotted up and gave me a hug, before turning to the yellow mare. "Thanks for keeping him out of trouble, I don't know what I'd do if my little Jonny got hurt!"

"Don't worry my dear, the pleasure was all mine. And if you don't mind me asking, where does he work?"

"Down at the spa on the corner of Willow Lane." Sparx replied without missing a beat.

"Thanks dear, I'll have to drop by sometime. Ta!" And with that, the frilly mare walked off, oblivious to what had just happened to her.

"Good job Jack, you managed to not fuck up!"

Pulling out my notepad, I simply write. Duh, if she was anymore of an air-head, she'd be able to fly.

"Yeah, most of the rich ones are. Now, let's head toward the park and see what we can find. It's a bit late, but the park is a favorite haunt of theirs." Back to being lead by a leash, yay. At least the pony-watching was decent as we made our way.

The park was beautiful, there was no other way to say it. I gazed upon more trees than I knew the names of, shaped hedges, bushes, countless flowers, and the occasional statue with little ponds and hills peppering the landscape. While it probably wasn't as beautiful in the winter, in late spring it was marvelous. The setting sun sealed it's perfection in splashes of color and shadows.

"Not many ponies here, so I'm going to let you go solo. If you get into trouble, just run for it, I'll find you." I nodded as I began to explore my new surroundings.

After some time, I came across a yellow bearded fellow with a dark orange coat that just oozed wealth, maybe it was the monocle and pipe, or maybe it was the generic looking money bag sitting on the bench by him. Looking around for witness, I begin to creep up behind him, alert to any odd noise that might give me away. A rustle of leaves startles me slightly, but a quick look shows me it was just a squirrel, so I continue to inch forward. Slipping into the bag without him noticing was quite easy, so I skimmed a handful of coins off the top before walking on my merry way. Well, that's what I planned to do, but a dark blur tackled me to the ground and stood on my chest after I'd made it about thirty feet.

"Now, where do you think you're going?" The granite colored mare asked me. Well fuck, I do believe I've found the Lunar Guard... I tell myself as I take in the details of her dark purple armor, golden slitted eyes, a crimson mane, and her ears had these odd tufts at the end, for some reason. "I think you've got something that belongs to that gentlestallion over there." Oh, and fangs, can't forget the fangs.

Once my brain realized I was fucked, I did something no rational being should ever do, and head-butted her straight in the face, ignoring the fact she still had her helm on. The good news is that it got her off me, and I ran as fast as I could manage with the stars blocking my view. The bad news is that I didn't do anything other than shock the mare, who tackled me again a few seconds later, and made sure I landed on my face this time.

"I know humans aren't the smartest, but are you really that stupid?" The mare stated with amazement as she cuffed both my hands and feet, then attached a piece of rope to the collar around my neck "Now come along, dog."

Noticing the bow and full quiver across her back, I realized that these Lunar Guards were indeed this universes Rangers. Well fuck... And with that, we started to trudge towards our destination, wherever that may be.

The Simple Things in Life, For Me Anyway
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Simple Things in Life, For Me Anyway

So being drug around by this Ranger lass wasn't so bad. I mean, I was still cuffed and leashed, but at least she didn't drag me around and parade me in front of the entire city. I also learned that she was apparently some kind of bat-pony hybrid, judging by the wings. Then, before I knew it, the buildings thinned out and we standing in a green field with what looked like a forest on the other side, it was hard to tell in the waning light. While marching across the field, the eaves of the woods became clearer and clearer, revealing a small cabin nestled between the trees. It was a simple affair, though it did have a covered porch with a pair of comfortable looking chairs.

Upon arrival, instead of going into the cabin, the mare went around to the back, heading towards a little lean-to. Holy shit... That looks like a stable... Sure enough, she put me inside, tied my collar off to the ring, and removed my shackles.

"Here's where you're staying until I can figure out what to do with you. Now, just sit tight while I bring you out some food."

Kind mare, I'll have to figure out how to repay her somehow. She made her way back with a pair of apples, which she tossed at me. Reflexively catching them, I munch on one as I wait to see what she's going to do next.

"Good reflexes, you've been trained well. Such a shame you ended up with the Thieves Guild, you do seem to be quite the clever one." The mare told me before she went into the little cabin for the night.

I spent my time well, examining every inch of the interior of this stable, for lack of a better word. There were brushes, an extra leash and collar, a water trough, a thick blanket hanging off the back wall, and some sort of large pillow like thing. It looked like a big grey dog bed, if it'd been made out of a tarp. Falling down on it, I decided I'd wait before I made my move, since I could use this as an opportunity to learn more about these rangers.

"Up and at it, we're going for a stroll." I cracked my eyes open, and it was still dark... Didn't this mare know what sleep was? Apparently not, since she'd drug me upright before I knew what was going on.

"Heel!" She snapped in a stern voice, walking off with the rope still attached to the collar with her and giving me no choice in the matter. With no other option, I walked along behind her at a steady pace.

One stroll through paradise later, we ended up in front of another cabin, which seemed to look exactly like the one we left. Seriously, if we hadn't just walked half the day away, passing a small set of hills, another stretch of flatland, and even a little forest, I'd have thought we hadn't even left yet. The sun was bright and cheery overhead as the mare knocked on the door. Which was promptly opened by a dark purple stallion with a silvery mane and light green eyes.

"Kemo!" The staillion exclaimed as he wrapped the mare in a hug, ignoring me completely. "How nice to see you! It's been a while, you know."

"It's Ke'mot, Commandant Storm Crow, you know that." She didn't seem as pleased as he did, to be honest, though that didn't mean I didn't have to stifle a chuckle.

"Bah, just call me Storm! It's not like we have to act formal when we're alone Kemo." Storm Crow's face, already grinning, somehow managed to hold an even wider grin.

"Fine, Storm, but I did drop by on business, so shall we head inside?" The mare's face was graced by a small smile, almost more of a smirk.

"Come on in! Is the human trained, or should we put him out back?" The Commandant asked as he made his way into his kitchen.

"He's very well trained, and the reason for this little visit." Ke'mot gave a slight tug on the leash as she walked over to the table and took a seat, so I followed her and sat down next to her chair. "Happen to have any coffee?"

"Of course," Crow poured her a full cup and set it down in front of her before filling his own and taking a seat.

There was a moment of silence as they both nursed their brews, which I took to study my surroundings. It was a cozy little place, a functional room and what looked like a doorway leading to a bedroom. There were a few personal items, a painting of a brown mare, what looked suspiciously like a lute, and some sort of weird tribal mask stuck out the most. It was all rather barren, to be honest, and it seemed like he didn't spend too much time here.

"So, what's so special about this human?" The stallion asked.

"I caught him pick-pocketing some poor stallion last night, I think the Guild's starting to expand their network."

"Hmm, yes, that would indeed be worrying news. Did he have any sort of mark on him?"

"No, this is exactly as I caught him. A collar, pants, and a pair of boots is all he's got, and even the collar is devoid of any type of identification."

"That's not surprising, the Guild wouldn't want anypony to track them down if he messed up." Studying me for a second, he gave me a stern command. "Sit."

Internally shrugging, I did as he asked, dropping comfortably into a cross-legged sitting position. Once there, he studied me awhile longer. I wasn't sure what was so interesting about me, but fortunately, I didn't have to wait long.

"These clothes were made for him," Storm concluded. "They fit him well, and look like they were meant for light protection instead of comfort."

"That's what I was thinking, it looks like whoever owns him put a lot of effort into it, which is what has me worried. It's bad enough trying to keep up with just the ponies of the Guild, the Solar Guard are really going to have their hooves full if they have to start keeping an eye out for humans too." The way she put it, it sounded like she really didn't think much of the Solar Guard's capabilities.

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention Ke'mot, and while I'd love to continue our little chat, I do believe I should get this information to the Princess post-haste." Draining his cup, the stallion started to gather his traveling supplies from around the small cabin. "Do you think you can keep an eye on that human until further notice?"

"Yes sir. Thanks for the coffee, and I'd best be off if I'm to make it home before nightfall. Until next time Commandant."

"See you later Kemo." And with that, we started our little adventure back to Ke'mot's cabin. With all of the fun filled silence that accompanied the first trip. Seriously, this mare needs to lighten up.

Ugh... My legs... I haven't walked this much since... Ever... We'd barely made it to the front of the cabin when my legs finally gave out, causing me to fall heavily to the ground. Kemo just stared at me like I was an alien or something.

"Up boy, we're almost there." Instead of getting up, I just ran my hand through her mane, which was astonishingly soft.

"No, stop." She commanded me as she swatted my hand away.

A slightly insidious thought crept into my mind at that, and I enacted my devious plan at once. While she was standing above me, I grabbed her into the tightest hug I could manage. I even pulled myself up enough that I could nuzzle her face.

"Get off!" The mare seemed a wee bit pissed, though surprise was evident in her voice too. I didn't let go, of course, and just secured my grip. "Seriously, you're supposed to be trained to steal, not to be an escort!"

She was practically thrashing about by now, and I was surprised I was still attached to her and in one piece. This mare was strong, that's for sure. After a few more minutes, I let go and just stared at her blankly, my head tilted to the side much like a dogs.

"What the fuck?" She asked me angrily, dragging me to the shelter and tying me up before stalking off.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say she didn't quite like that. And click, there goes another plan, and this was going to be quite fun. Now all I had to do was wait for nightfall. Until then, though, what I really needed was some rest from all of that damned walking, and taking my boots off was the first step to achieve peace.

The moon was bright, the stars were shining, and getting free took all of thirty seconds. The humans here must be really stupid if this is all they think it requires to bind one. Standing up, I stretched and popped half the bones in my body, causing a blissfully painful feeling to wash over me. Slinking over to the house, I debated the best way to enter with the least amount of noise. I finally decided to just check the front door, so I picked my way to it, testing to see if it was locked. Well, would you look at that, she doesn't even lock the door! Still chuckling internally, I slowly eased the door open, hoping it wasn't booby-trapped. Turns out I was fine, and apparently this mare relied heavily on her image to keep people away. The inside of her house was quite spartan, a couple of chairs around a wooden table, cabinets, and a wood stove. There were two other doors, one leading to the backyard while the other to what I assumed was the only bedroom. Still grinning, I silently made my way to the bedroom door, slowly opening it just wide enough for me to slip in.

The bedroom was just as spartan as the rest of the house, with nothing but a chest, a stand for her armor, and the bed she was currently sleeping on. By this point I was smirking so hard it hurt, and stealthily creeped my way over to the bed. Using every bit of skill that I had, and a silent prayer to any god that would listen, I slipped into bed next to her. Snuggling up to her, I realized just exactly how soft and cuddly these ponies could be, so I wrapped my arms around her and put my face in to her mane. It was quite odd really, her mane smelled of wildflowers, even after all the walking that we'd done today. And, time for a good night's sleep, but I get the feeling I'm going to have a rude awakening.

It turns out I was wrong, I wasn't awoken by an assault from the mare, or even her screams. No, it turns out that having a pony lay on your arm will put that thing to sleep over time, so my wake up call for this morning was the beautiful feeling of my entire arm being asleep. Feeling a stirring beneath me, I readied myself for the inevitable explosion when she realized what was going on. Instead of waking up, she turned over and wrapped me up in a hug. I'm never going to let her live this one down. She pulled my head into her chest and placed her head atop mine. Now if only she had tits... Even if it would be awkward for a quadruped to have tits...

About an hour later, right before sunrise, Ke'mot actually awoke. Her expression was priceless, and was worth the shove I received that sent me sprawling halfway across the room.

"You... You..!" The poor mare was completely speechless. And really, who could blame her? Crawling to a corner, I pulled my knees up to chin and rocked myself back and forth, rocking myself like a small child trying to comfort itself.

The mare sighed, then walked over to me. "It's okay boy, you just startled me is all. I guess the knot came loose in the night. Now, stand." And with that command, I stood up. "Good boy, now let's find something to eat."

And into the kitchen we went where she promptly went to start up breakfast while I took a seat, just to fuck with her some more. As she started her oats, she took an apple off of the counter, and then turned around for the first time to see me sitting at the table. "... Really, they taught you table manners, but nothing about personal space?" I didn't respond to the comment. Instead, I gently took the apple from her hoof and started munching on it, making sure to show off my teeth with each bite. Of course, she ignored me as she went back to fixing her oatmeal.

With the oatmeal done, and slices of apple and a dash of cinnamon and sugar, I was practically drooling over myself from the smell. I thought about trying to steal a bite, but cut that train of thought short. Sure, I'd steal valuables and personal space, but food from someone's plate just isn't something I'll do.

"Eat up," the mare told me as she slid the bowl to me. I wasn't about to argue, and started scooping up the delicious oatmeal up with my fingers, savoring the appetizing meal after my diet of apples. Sadly, it didn't take me long to clean the bowl and my fingers of the delicacy.

Rising from the table, she walked towards the door while giving me a command. "Heel." And like the good little dog I was, I heeled as she walked a couple of yards outside of her house. Looking at me again, she gave another command, "Sit." So I sat cross legged on the ground.

"Lie down." I sprawled backwards on my back, letting my limbs flop onto the ground.

"Stand." And back to my feet I rolled, this was actually starting to get irksome.

"Kneel." Eh, to hell with it. I dropped to my right knee, putting my left fist down on the ground while bowing my head. "Well that's odd... Why would they teach you to kneel like that?" My only response was to look up at her. "Stand." And so I did, again.

"Stay."

I wonder what she's doing... And then she came back, with a rubber ball in hand. Well, fuck, now I really get to be a dog...

"Fetch!" She said, tossing the ball away from the house. Reluctantly, I jogged over to it. Picking up the old thing, I turn around and toss it back to her, much to her surprise.

"Good boy?" She asks, obviously confused. I just keep standing there, waiting to see if she'd continue to try and play 'fetch' with me, or would just play catch instead. After a full minute, she apparently made a decision as she tossed the ball to me. Which I caught using both hands, just to make sure.

"Good job, now throw it back." I wondered if she thought I actually understood what she said, or just thought I'd get the hint. Either way, I tossed it back to her.

We continued playing for hours, sometimes just tossing it to each other, then throwing it off to the side to try and get the other to drop it. It should go without saying that the four legged guard beat the out of shape guy, but the fact she never dropped it once was annoying. She didn't even miss the one I 'accidentally' threw the wrong way, and went from standing to flat out in mere seconds. Of course, that wasn't the only thing we did, since you can't play well on an empty stomach and jelly-like legs. During those times, she'd make some more oatmeal, and actually making a bowl for me, or we would just laze on the front porch.

Today's actually been pretty fun... Even if I am role playing a dog. I allowed my thoughts to wonder as I watched the sunset, which was just absolutely stunning, showing off more colors and shades than I thought possible. After our day filled with fun and food, she was sitting on one of the chairs, and I was lying beside her, hands behind my head. Of course, I'm not going to wear out that new car smell.

"I wonder what you're thinking..." Kemo mused quietly to herself, though still loud enough for me to hear. Now that knocked me out of my dazing, and all I could do was stare at her. Does she know? Noticing me staring at her, she rubs a hoof over my head. "You're a smart human, and I know you can't understand this, but I do wonder what goes through your head."

Well, that was unexpected... I wonder what'd happen if I told her... Eh, maybe later. Instead of reacting in an obviously intelligent manner, I settled on reaching a hand up to scratch her flank. She didn't even jump at the contact, just a slight tensing, which made me rather sad, but I guess years of being a ranger will do that to you.

We probably stayed there for two hours, silently perusing our thoughts and enjoying the company. Well, at least I was, it's hard to read that mare at the best of times, and I'd seen rocks give off more emotion than she was right now.

"Come on, boy, it's time for bed." She finally said with a small sigh as she lead me back to the lean to. Once I was inside it, she made sure each knot was fastened tightly, "Can't have you running off on me, now can I?" I just curled up on the cushion as she turned and entered the cabin.

"Well, look what I've found." A familiar voice woke me from slumber.

"Luna's Rangers" Sounds Better
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

"Luna's Rangers" Sounds Better

Took ya long enough! Oh, wait, right... Instead, I just give her a flat look, since she seemed to be waiting for some sort of answer.

"Oh, I brought you a present!" Sparx whispered excitedly as she pulled out a dry erase board and a marker from her saddlebags and handed it to me.

Oh goody! I can speak again! Sorta! But we should probably leave sooner than later, don't want Kemo to wake up and catch you.

"Kemo?"

The ranger, that's her name. Meet me out front, I'll be right there. I write out before I untie myself. With a confused look on her face, the mare starts walking towards the front of the house.

With a devious grin, I sneak into the house to enact my master plan. Inside the kitchen, I find the small stack of loose paper that I'd noticed the night before, and write a little message for my new friend Kemo.

You know, Kemo, "Luna's Rangers" sounds so much better than "Lunar Guard." You should really put up a motion to Princess Luna to see if you can get it changed. Ori'vor'e cyar'ika, Jack Smith.

Leaving the letter sitting in on her table, I sneak out the front door and motion to Sparx that we should head off. Once out of earshot of the cabin, I scribbled a message as we walk.

So what took you so long? I asked with a smirk.

"I had to figure out if the guard had dumped you off at a shelter or something, so I got to take a tour of every bloody shelter in the city." Sparx groaned at the memory, "This city has so many shelters, I'm surprised they haven't just released them back into the wilds or something."

In a city of this size, I can't say I'm surprised. So what's the plan?

"Well, I'm going to continue on with my life while you keep your head down for awhile." The mare told me with a slight glare to make sure I knew there wasn't to be any arguing.

Calm your tits lady, I've no wish to end up back in Kemo's care. Even if she was soft and cuddly.

"And do I even want to know how you know that?"

Of course you do! It's because last night when she was sleeping, I untied the rope and snuck into her room and hopped in bed with her. She didn't take it too well when she woke up, but between the cuddlyness and her reaction, it was well worth it.

"You're a pervert, you know that? I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't just let her keep you..." Sparx seemed rather unsettled by that, for some odd reason.

Well, in my defense, it was just a joke. I mean, it's not like I was raping her, just cuddling up to a warm fuzzy pony. I prefer my partners to be active during such fun, after all.

"Still not helping your case."

Would you feel better if I let you tie me to the couch at night?

"Nope, cause I'm sure you'd like that."

Is there any way I can make you feel more at ease? She'd already added an extra foot between us at this point, and I gave her sad look.

"I don't know, I just don't know if I can trust you if that's what you think is a good joke. How will I know if you're planning to do something that oversteps everyponies bounds, and think it's just a little prank?"

You can't, and that's the problem. I'm an alien, and little things to me may be huge to you, and vice versa. I'll even admit that I overstepped the boundaries this time, but I was thinking of how she'd react and didn't think it through.

During our little conversation, we managed to make it back to the city, so the conversation died rather quickly as we made our way back towards Sparx's home. Silence ruled, and as we past the myriad of brick and wood buildings, most of which where only lit by the lamps scattered throughout the city. Even though it was the middle of the night, we silently agreed to finish our conversation later, for the shadows were deep and could easily hide anyone that wished to remain unseen.

As we continued on our way, a rather drunken looking snob of a pony was attempting to swagger down the road, and the fact that he kept falling over and running into things didn't even faze him. Spotting us, he began to stagger toward us, and after getting a good look at him, I can't blame him for drowning himself in booze, cause the poor bastard was born with pink fur and a teal mane, even if he tried to hide it with the fancy vest he was wearing, the chain of a pocket watch glimmering in light of the lamps. Poorly hiding a grin, he stands in front of Sparx, oblivious to the death-glare he was receiving. Admittedly, I ignored it several times, but I wasn't drunk off my ass at the time.

"So, how'd you like bring that pretty little flank of yours to my place?" You could smell the booze on him when he was eight feet away, at two it was as obnoxious as his attitude.

With a devilish grin, she closed in, and whispered in his ear, "Not a chance in hell, though I thought you were going ask to borrow my pet, since you seem the type that likes it up the ass." He was sputtering as she walked right past him, but I did notice a glimmer as something disappeared into her saddlebags. We'd gotten several paces away before the idiot finally gathered what little wits he had.

"Get back here! You can't treat me like this! I'm the son of Moneybags!" The stallion, in his drunken rage, charged at Emerald.

Stepping in front of her, I give the stallion a cocky smile. With a look of surprise, he trips over his legs and sprawls onto the cobbles in front of me. Taking advantage of this, I pull my knife out and flick it open with practiced ease before sitting on his back. Rubbing the flat part of the cold steel blade against his cheek, I began chuckle in his ear. It wasn't my normal one, it was much rougher, almost like rocks rubbing together.

Of course the stallion, confused and scared out of his wits, was frozen in fear. Giving the tip of his ear a nip, I get up and stand beside Sparx again, my knife closing with a loud click. The sound got through the drunkards cloudy head, and he shot away like a rocket, which was quite the feat for someone drunk off his ass. With a grin, I look down at Sparx, and seeing her frown wilted the joy that I'd gained from teaching that idiot a lesson.

"See? Shit like this is the reason I have a hard time trusting you."

I was just scaring him. I even used the blunt edge to make sure there wasn't an accident. I admit, I was really confused. She had this guy creeping on her, and when I scare him off, she gets pissy at me!

"Yes, but do you know what's going to happen if anypony finds out you did that?" The mare asked with a look that said she clearly knew the answer.

Science and sex? I wrote, a hopeful look on my face.

"No, they'll just cut your balls off."

Any witty replies I may have spoken were gone. Until she said that, I don't think it had quite sunk in yet that the humans here truly were dogs. But hearing her bluntly say that hammered the point home, and I realized just how bad the situation could get with just a single mistake. Any chance I had at making it home was through her generosity.

I'll shut up now. I flash her the message before standing at her heels, much like a dog would.

Noticing my sudden mood change, Sparx drops the matter and leads me back to her place. Our brisk walk mostly took us down alleyways, but something was blown into my chest as we crossed a random street. Looking down at a piece of paper, I begin to plan a scheme to myself back on Sparx's good side.

Entering her abode, I sat at the table and gave the piece of paper I'd snagged a good look, to make sure the low light hadn't hid anything important. Not seeing anything obvious, the plan seems quite simple. A tiny clink interrupted my thoughts, as the mare sat a glass of water and an apple in front of me.

"Find anything interesting?" The mare asked as she noticed the paper.

With a half-hearted smile, I turn the flyer around.Well... This seems like an easier way to earn some cash. It's a bit humiliating, but I can take it if it means swindling ponies out of their money a fairly steady income and not being a bum during my stay.

"You know, that's not a half bad idea..." Her ears perked up as she read the fine print at the bottom. "registration ends two days from now, and the winner gets five thousand bits. So, you think you can win a human show?

Don't see why I shouldn't be able to. Clean me up and abuse the fact I'll know exactly how to react and we should have it in the bag I write with a shrug and a smile.

"You'd have to learn to keep your face passive, but other than that we should be fine. I mean, as long as you don't do anything stupid." That smirk, it was smug as hell, though there was nothing I could do about it at the moment.

So, shall we venture into the world of dog human shows together?

"Eh... Sure, why not? If this works, I could go on that vacation to Las Pegasus."

I just stare at her with a raised eyebrow, wishing I could speak, but having to cope without it. Really? Las Pegasus? Really?

She looked back at me as one of her ears cocked to the side.,"What do you mean 'Really'?"

Manehattan, Las Pegasus, we have Manhattan and Las Vegas. Can you spot the facepalm worthy puns going on here? And to make it worse, that's just the tip of the iceberg!

"Well... When you put it that way, I guess I can see what you're talking about." Shaking her head, she adds, "So, other than being a pervert, what else did you do while you were gone?"

For the record, there was absolutely no perverted reasons involved with cuddling Kemo. But mostly it was just being treated like a dog. Though we did go see her commander, and he seems to be a fun guy. Oh, and they think the 'Thieves Guild' trained me, so I expect they'll be watching humans much closer now.

Under my questioning gaze, she groans. "Those idiots? That guild's full of low-lives that couldn't sneak through an empty room unnoticed! In fact, I'm sure I could train normal humans to be better thieves..."

Such a high opinion of them. If they're that bad, why are they still around? Sparx snorted as she read my message.

"Because the higher ups keep themselves hidden. They recruit anypony they can and use them as cannon fodder. Doesn't bother them that most get caught, only that they get their money."

Sleezy bastards, then. Anyway, I hate to I didn't even manage to end the sentence before yawning. stop our lovely conversation, but I think I've had more exercise today than I have in the past year. Please excuse me while I pass out. And with the last word barely written, my head hits the table and I'm out.

Moving my body to the couch, the mare laughs as my limbs droop. "Either you're a damn good actor, or you've been sleep-talking on me."

It's odd to wake up in someone else's house before they do. There's not much to do, and it's rather rude to just go through there stuff. Of course, if you've known the person and are good friends, it's not much of an issue, but if you've barely known them two days? Quite rude indeed.

Then my stomach growled at me, so I decided to cook the lady up a good breakfast. She'd forgive me for snooping around if I gave her breakfast. With that settled, I started my mighty quest for loot. Before long, I had everything I needed, except for the bacon. Combing through the fridge a second time, it hit me: They're herbivores, there wouldn't be any bacon! And with that, my plan was stymied... How was I supposed to make the gravy now? And, even more importantly, how did they live without bacon?

Shrugging the disappointment off, I get to work, putting pancakes in the skillet and biscuits in the oven. It was really quite relaxing, being able to do something normal again. They were even nice enough to make all of the utensils in the same style as back home!

Why would they even want a spatula with a handle made for hands... Meh, fuck it.

I was just making the gravy, substituting the bacon grease with some sort of Crisco looking stuff, when Sparx walks in and sits at the table.

"Didn't know you could cook."

Turning to write on the marker board I'd stuck to the fridge, responded. You never asked. But I got mom to teach me sharpish once I realized how bad the food was at college.

Her ears perked up slightly, "Was it really that bad?"

You've no idea, I wouldn't of fed half of it to my dog... Or to my human, if I was one of you ponies.

The mare's eye twitched slightly. "Really, you're going to go there?"

Having finished the food, I set it on the table before pulling the board off the fridge. Partly as peace offering, but mostly to distract the mare. Haili cetare!

"Hayli settar?"

Chuckling at her confused expression, I explain it to her. Hi Lee, set are A. Means "Fill your boots".

Shaking her head, she groans. "So, what language is that? Never heard anything like it."

Mando'a, it's slightly fictional. I learned it for the hell of it, and because of a book I'm rather fond of. It's also useful if you need to say something without anyone knowing what you said.

"Of course it is." After a bite, an appreciative sound comes from her. "That's pretty good, seems different though."

Probably cause it's sweeter, I added some cinnamon and sugar to the batter.Giving my wrist a flick, I smile wryly at her.Really need to find a new way to communicate, all this writing's killing my wrist.

"Yeah, we probably do, but I don't know how we'd do it. Maybe hoof-language, but that'd take ages for us to both learn."

This is a land of mythical creatures, can't we just use some crazy mind-voodoo?

"Mind Voodoo?"

Yeah, some sort of mind-meld thing, let us read each other's thoughts and all.

"There's no way in Tartarus that I'm letting you anywhere near my mind, and that's even if it wasn't for the fact that even thinking about seeing into your mind is likely to give me nightmares." The mare shuddered as she started on her biscuits. "But at least your a good cook."

You might be surprised, but would we even have to worry about it? I'm no genius, but I'm guessing it's a fairly advanced spell.

We put the dishes up in silence before she answered me.

"We'll worry about it later, we still need to go to the vet's and get you some papers first."

True enough. Shall we, mi'lady?

"Really? 'Mi'ldady'?"

Sure, it's not like I've got anything better to do than think of increasingly varied ways to address you.

Shaking her head, she led the way as we begin on another fantastical journey into the world above. The sewers hadn't changed, but seeing the city in the morning traffic was an experience. I don't think I'd ever seen so many... anythings walking about, barely paying attention to anything yet never colliding. It's like they moved with echolocation or some other crazy magic stuff. As we walked, I noticed the place started getting a little more ragged looking, with the occasional seedy looking character thrown in.

We finally made it to one of the few respectable buildings in the neighborhood. Pushing a button to the side of the door, Sparx calmly waited for an answer.

"Bah! You had better be dying to wake me up at this hour!" Came the cranky reply from what sounded like a crotchety old man. The door opened to reveal a dark blue unicorn with a lighter blue mane and eyes. "Ms. Sparx, you don't look dead, and why's that human there?"

"Well Doc, I need a favor from you. Mind if we talk inside?"

"You're going to pay extra for this you know."

As he turned back into the house, I caught of glimpse of his mark, which was a skull with what was basically a gauze eye-patch. With that lovely imagery, we followed him into what appeared to be his living room, which was fairly generic from what I've known. Except the surgery diagrams detailing the cuts required for various operations, those were almost disturbing. The doctor was already sitting in a posh armchair, looking as impatient as he sounded.

"Now, take a seat and let's see how you intend to waste my time."

"Well Doctor Gauze, I need medical papers for Jack here. Problem is, he's... ah, 'special'."

"Oooo, a 'special' human. What does he do, eat his own shit?" Gauze replied bitingly.

Taking that as my cue, I pull out my shiny new dry-erase board and scribble a line out. Na, nothing that special, I just destroy the furniture.

Gauze huffed at that, then his eyes widened as he realized what happened. "So, you've trained it to write? Why would you bother teaching a human that? They're not smart enough for that to even be useful."

Sparx went to reply, but I waved her off so I could instead. Nope, not smart at all. I don't even know the difference between pie and pi, let alone the sophisticated grammar that involves turning this sentence into a run on sentence for the sake of running a sentence for a really long time, or maybe just a little, it might even just be some sort of medium, but it's definitely some sort of run on sentence that has run on for quite some time, if I say so myself.

The doc just harrumphed. "Youngsters in my day knew respect! None of this bullshit where they think they're the smartest little fucks and strutting around!"

"Easy there Doctor," Sparx, hoping to derail the old stallion before he really started ranting. "We're just here to forge a few documents and then get out of your mane."

"Fine," the old stallion grumbled, "Did you at least bring the required documents?"

Fishing them out of her saddlebag, she floated them over.

"Hmm, let's see here... Age, Height, Weight... Well, come on, into my office." Gauze started off, not bothering to see if they followed him.

Through a short hall, we entered his office, which was technically only half office. The other half had all of the equipment required to do a basic check-up.

"Now, hop on that scale." The doctor's voice was gruff, but he almost sounded professional this time. "Hmm" he murmured as extended the rule. "Five-nine and one hundred and seventy-eight pounds. That's above average height, but not by much, and a little underweight. Go sit down."

Without hesitation, I sat down in a nearby chair as he levitated the instruments to check my vitals.

After being poked and prodded, he wrote his findings down before relaying them. "Your temperature is ninety-eight point seven, which is ridiculously high for a human, but due to the fact you're not dead, I'll take it as normal. Heart-rate is seventy, which is low but not unheard of. And your blood pressure is 130/80, which is also within reasonable limits. Is there anything you'd like to point out?"

Pulling my board from my pocket, I scribble out what little I remember from my health classes. Temperature is where it needs to be, heart rate is about right, my blood pressure is abit high, if memory serves it's supposed to 110/70. At least, I think that's right.

"Well, if you say so, but now I can see why you came to see me Sparx, with these readings he'd have never got into one of those shows. If you would go back to the front room, I'll have this filled out and your copy here shortly." Not bothering to wait for a reply, the doctor started towards his desk. Getting up, we did as he asked and went back to our original seats.

"So, you do know what you're getting yourself into, right?"

Something about giving up what little dignity I have for a chance to get rich easily. Pretty sure that's the gist of it.

"Okay then, so we don't have to worry about you balking at the stuff you'll have to do."

As she finished, Doctor Gauze came back in. "Now then, the papers are done, all we have left is your payment. Normally I'd charge you quite heftily, and still will if my preferred payment is rejected."

Sparx's eye twitched slightly. "And what kind of payment would that be, Doctor?"

"Oh nothing too hard, I just want a sample of his blood."

I just looked at him for a moment. Did he really just want a sample of my blood instead of a lump of cash? Shrugging slightly, I nodded toward the doctor.

"Excellent, I knew you would agree." The doctor had his sample in a twinkling, apparently he really did know we'd agree. "Now, if you two would excuse yourselves, I have some experiments to do."

Walking out of the door, I barely remembered wipe the grin off my face. That guy may have been a grumpy doctor, but he was a true scientist at heart!

"Well... That went better than expected." The mare said with a sigh of relief, "I expected him to rob me blind for that. And now all we have to do is get you some new clothes."

Due to being out in the open, I couldn't really respond, so I just followed her.

Passing through the gritty streets again, this time we emerged from an alley into what looked like main street. Or, at least, one of the shopping districts. There were ponies everywhere, and humans too for that matter. Most of them seemed to naked, while some had loin clothes, and the luckiest seemed to have some sort of dress-toga-wrap thing. Being the first time I'd really gotten to look at them, I had to say I wasn't impressed, since they were some pretty neanderthal-looking fuckers.

Taking a closer look at the females, I confirmed they weren't exactly pretty. Or attractive. In fact, they were all kinds of ugly. Well, I guess I won't be trying my luck with this lot. But it really didn't matter, since apparently we had arrived at our destination. The sign overhead read 'The Golden Spindle.' For some reason, that sounded sinister... Or maybe it was the fact that what little the shop had on display was all fashioned in black, occasionally highlighted with very dark shades of grey.

Entering the shop behind my "master," my eyes take a few moments to adjust to the darkened room, and the view they show completely matches what was on display. Except that corner that was dark lighted, I still couldn't see too well, but I'm pretty sure there were more spikes over there than I'd ever seen in my life, let alone on clothing.

"Welcome to the Spindle, is there anything I can do for you?" Came a voice from beside us, where a white pegasus mare with a tightly braided and crimson tipped black mane, was smiling at us with her dark blue eyes.

You, my friend, should avoid magnets at all costs. Seriously, this mare had enough bits of metal about her person that you could forge a suit of armor, complete with shield and sword, from it all!

"Hey Frosty, how's my favorite designer doing?" Sparx asked as she wrapped a leg around the mare's neck. "And I see you dyed your mane again!"

"Yeah, the pure white was starting to get old, so I changed it. Other than that, I've got a new piercing and another regular. Sweet colt, sadly I don't see him lasting long though, seems a bit squeamish." Frost Thimble replied with a sad shake of her head.

"Well, I've got a few custom pieces I need you to do, if you're willing."

"Oh really? The last time you asked me for a custom piece, you needed to 'acquire' some goods from a masked ball."

"And thanks to you it was very profitable. But sadly, this time will be much more mundane, since Jack here is the one in need of something." She said, hoof pointed over her shoulder at me.

"So you got a human huh? Not too shabby looking either, is he well trained?"

"Yes, that's what the clothes are for, I'm entering him into the shows."

"Now that is a surprise, and isn't anything like your normal schemes." Frost started circling me at this point, those dark blue eyes of hers scrutinizing every inch of my body. "How curious, his clothes aren't like any I've ever seen, where did you get them?"

"Well..." The mare started shiftily," They just came with him, I didn't know they were that odd."

"It's definitely very high quality for a human. I mean, his boots are made with leather!"

I had to resist the urge to just laugh at that. Silly pony, of course they're leather! What else would you make them out of?

"I'm not sure what's up with the boots either, all I know is that he gets really huffy if you try and take them off."

Giggling, the mare replied, "So does that mean I'm going to have to make clothes that will go with them?"

"Who knows, but if anypony can, it's you!"

"Now you're just flattering me, but let's see what I can do."

Going through a door in the back, we're lead into a well lit room completely covered in everything you could possibly imagine being used in clothing, and a few things you wouldn't. Frost was standing by a small dais, waving a hoof to come over.

"Over here big boy, I need you in the light so I can see what I've got to work with."

Stepping up on it, I just wait as she circles me, some more, then takes some measurements.

"Sit."

I comply, not having anything better to do and I'm starting to get bored. Moving to my feet, she unties my boots and tugs them off.
I'd better get those back... Studying them for a few moments, she sets them down beside me and takes a few measurements of my feet as well.

"The boots are quite odd, the heel is raised slightly and actually makes him an inch or so taller. Not to mention the rubber used is unlike any that I know of." Pensively, she looked back at me. "Guess I'll take a look at the bottoms next. Stand up boy."

Well this is going to be interesting, I just hope I can keep a straight face.

She tries to just pull them down first, to little success. Noticing the button, she pops it loose. The zipper proves a little more complicated, she doesn't seem to be able to get a good grip on the little thing. Eventually parting it, she slides them down as I step out, standing there in all of my boxerrifc glory. Not that the mare actually noticed, she was too busy studying my jeans.

"Let's see... Manufactured with a tag detailing it, made of good denim, front and back pockets, with a tiny pocket upfront. Perfect for a human, though completely useless for any race except maybe minotaurs. I'll need to ask around and see who this 'Levi' pony is, cause I"ve never heard of him. Are you sure you don't know anything about these Sparx?"

The unicorn shrugged. "Like I said, he came with all of it, plus a shirt for some reason."

"He is pretty pale... I guess it's so he doesn't get sunburned too badly." Walking over to a work bench, the pegasus began writing what appeared to be notes.

Much mad scribbling later, she walks back up to us. "I've got his measurements and what he has now, anything you want to add to this order?"

"Nope, let the creativity flow, just try and not make it too over the top! I may end up using these at the shows!" Sparx paused for a second, before adding, "And do you think you could make another pair of jeans, except add large pockets on the sides"

"So kind of like really small saddlebags?"

"Exactly!"

"I can do that. But first you have to tell me how you know they're called 'jeans'?" Her eyebrow reached a rather impressive height.

Thinking fast, she takes a quick look at my jeans again. "Because, the tag says 'Levi Jeans Company'."

"Now how did I miss that... Thanks again for coming to visit, and just come back tomorrow afternoon to check out what I've got in mind!"

I put my clothes back on as the pony went over to her bench and began scribbling some more. At least she's having fun. Sighing at the thought, I follow Sparx, as we presumably make our way back home.

Sitting at the table, we were finishing off our supper of "hayburgers" and "hayfries" from some fast food chain. Wasn't quite sure what would happen to me for eating them, but I figured why the hell not.

So, the cute goth pony, how exactly did she not notice anything overtly suspicious again?

"It's mostly because she didn't actually care, just odd curiosities that were getting in the way of ideas." Drowning a fry in ketchup, she adds. "So, which class do you think we should enter, Service or Guard?"

I'm assuming "Service" has got to do with grooming and generally just pleasing the judges with your hands n such?

"That's pretty much it, yeah. And the Guard class is what it sounds like."

Well then, Service class it is! Just do what I'm told and let's see how this goes.

"Then it's settled. We'll pick up your new clothes tomorrow, then head off to that show up-town and get you registered." A huge yawn burst forth, popping her jaw in the process. "Time for bed, we've a long day tomorrow."

Waving good night, I make my way to the couch and lay down.

Who knows, this may be a more comfortable life than what I could have gotten back home...

Secretly Secret Secrets
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Secretly Secret Secrets

So we were once again at The Spindle, and from what I'd seen of Frost Thimble, the clothes she'd made me didn't quite match her usual style. Sure, it was all black and dark greys, but the first set was a rather fancy looking suit that just didn't quite look complete without a top hat and monocle, though it did come with a nice pair of shoes. The second set was basically a pair of black cargo jeans with a dark grey shirt that had a solid black version of Sparx's cutie-mark on the back.

"You know," Sparx started, "That suite just seems too fancy for what he's going to do."

"Don't worry, it's for formal occasions for when you start getting into the higher ranks. I just haven't actually put the finishing touches on what I had planned for him to wear to the shows. If you'll follow me, we can put the finishing touches on it." Frost led the way into her work room, and I obediently stand on the dias.

"Smart boy, have a treat." She used her wing to put a small doggie treat off of her desk and held it up to me.

Mentally shrugging, I grabbed it and popped it into my mouth, rather surprised when it turned out to be apple flavored. Definitely not Beggin' Strips... Or sugary...

Apparently happy that I wouldn't do anything, she pulls my boots and pants off again, then looks at Sparx in confusion. "I forgot to ask last time, but why is he wearing a pair of shorts under his jeans?"

Sparx sighed, "I have no idea. In fact, I really don't know much of anything about him."

"And you say you found him."

"Yes."

"There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?"

"... No..."

Frost just looked at her, obviously unamused by the continued lies. So, as the one who's job it was to fuck everything up, I kneel down beside the pegasus and nip at her ear in the same way I used to bite that one really kinky bitch I dated. A high pitched yelp followed, along with the slight blush on her face, told me that I'd hit the nail on the head with my thoughts on this one. And then she slapped me. Hard.

"What the hell!" The mare yelled as I rubbed my face. Sparx would have replied to her, but she'd facehoofed so hard she was momentarily seeing stars, so I took matters into my hands and pulled out my Handy Dandy Notebook™.

Can we keep her? She's so cute and kinky! I promise I'll take care of her! I'll walk her and feed her and clean her! Please!

"Kinky? What makes you think that!" Frosty growled at me.

Well, all the leather and chains sorta gives it away. The blush after I nibbled on your ear told me the yelp was out of surprise, not pain, and I'm guessing you liked it.

"Sparx, why the fuck is this thing writing, anyway?"

"Well, he's kind of an alien. Who happens to look like one of our humans, and is also part of a race he calls humans." The mare in question replied.

"He's really an alien? Like, not from our world and may or may not have plans to conquer it?" Frost gushed out, sounding rather excited all of a sudden.

"Well, I don't think he plans on world domination." She reassured the mare, and herself.

Of course I have plans to take over the world, but I don't intend to harm you nice ladies in the process.

"So..." Frost gives Sparx a big smile. "Can I keep him?"

Some furious scribbling ensued. Hey! I asked first!

Once again, Sparx seems flabbergasted. Maybe she expected a different reaction from the ponies that found out. I didn't know, but she sat there for at least a full minute, so I responded for her.

Fine! You can keep me instead of the other way around, but I'll only stick around if you fuck me at least once a day, and at least one blowjob every other day, along with promising to never try and chain me up for your dominatrix pleasuring. Otherwise I'm making a run for it! I spin the pad around with wide smirk.

"Deal!"

"Wait, what?!" The unicorn now looked more flabbergasted than she did before, though her brain finally seemed to unscramble itself. "You'd abandon me and making all of those bits just to become her fuck-toy!?"

Well, I never exactly said that. What I meant was I'd split my time between the two of you. We'd go win a show every other week or so, and in the meantime I'd spend my time here with the kinky one. Then I went on damage control, giving her my goofiest smile.

Sparx sat there for a moment, sifting through what I'd just 'said,' before smiling back at me. "That actually is a great idea, since that'll get you out of my mane as much as possible! Congratulations Frosty, you have a new fuck-toy!"

Well, fuck. I think this joke just backfired on me... Frosted Thimble, on the other hand, seemed quite elated.

"Hell yeah!" She pumped a fist into the air. "I'm going to be one of the first ponies to ever fuck an alien!"

"That you know of, cause I'm sure there's bound to be a few other's around. I mean, who's ever heard of being the only one?"

Thanks for making me feel special.

"No problem, but we do need to get your clothes. It's kind of the reason we're here."

Nodding in agreement, Frost pulls out what she had made for me, and it was definitely not what I had expected. In fact, it looked rather like someone had created trashy romance novel clothes in a Middle-Eastern style. A tight silk vest that laced up the front and a pair of flowing pants, both a shimmering grey. Before I put my pad down to toss it on, I wrote down one last thing.

I still want more of those treats for having to put up with this.

"Of course!" The very polite mare gave me another treat and started her work.

A few hours later she was done and we were lounging around the back room and figuring out how this arrangement would work.

"So, you'll "take care" of him, and will be yours in all but name, since my name has to be on the papers for me to take him to shows." Sparx queried.

"Yes, and we'll split the winnings fifty-fifty."

I wave my arms around to get their attention, then write out my thoughts. What about me? I say we split it 45-45-10, in your favor. That'll pay for my upkeep and still give me some money to toss around.Holding it out so they could read it, I quickly start writing again. This place does have strip clubs, right?

With a sigh, Sparx spoke over Frost's laughter. "Yes, there are strip clubs, any important questions?"

Well, can I at least buy myself a steak or two occasionally? Got to get my protein in or I'll wither up, and poor Frostey here will be wishing it was as simple as a changing a battery to keep her toy going.

"You're impossible, you know that?" The tan mare gave me quite the look as she informed me of this, all the while the white one was rolling on the floor.

But can I?

"I don't care, just get Frostey there to take you shopping. That is, if she ever stops laughing..."

Getting up, the mare in question responded through said laughter. "Sure, I'll take him shopping occasionally."

"Now that everything's settled, we'll get out of your mane so you can open the shop back up."

"Alright, though you're not bothering me. And are you going to drop him off after the competition tomorrow?"

"Yes." Sparx replied as we made our way to the front. "I'll drop him off afterward and finally have some peace."

With a final departing wave, we made our way back to Sparx's place to rest up for tomorrows adventure.

The Manehattan Amateur Show was quite the spectacle, full of family friendly sideshows and food vendors. The walk to the showgrounds wasn't far, but the stands that filled the area between it and the event entrance easily doubled the time it took to get there. Eventually we ended up in front of the official to finalize our entrance.

"Papers, please." The dark blue stallion behind the desk requested. Pulling them from her saddlebags, she floated them over to the earth pony, who looked over them with a trained eye. "Everything seems to be in order Ms. Sparx. Here's your tag. You will be number sixteen today."

"Thank you sir." She replied, attaching the tag to my collar before leading me towards the pen reserved for me.

Once there, she looked and made sure everything was in order, then gave the leash a light tug. "Come on Jack, let's get something to eat before the show starts."

Walking around the stalls, I spot something I'd never hoped to see here, but was ecstatic to see. This time I'm the one giving a tug on the leash.

"See something you want?"

I just stare at the stand, hoping she gets the message.

"Ah, but do you really need that before the show?" A quick nod. "If you say so."

We approached the funnel cake stand that was being manned by a blue and white stallion that was more than a bit round, taking in the intoxicating aroma of grease and sugar.

"Two please."

"That'll be ten bits ma'am." He replied in a deep voice.

She didn't even wince at what I assumed was an outrageous price, and handed him the bits. It wasn't until we had sat down that she grumbled about it.

"These things better taste like food for the gods at that price."

Ignoring her complaint, I took a bite out of mine, and froze. This funnel cake tasted extraordinary! Just as good as the ones back home! It was only through sheer force of will that I didn't sink into a smiling stupor.

"Is it really that good?" The mare asked. Lacking a real way to communicate, I just took a bigger bite out of it.

"If you say so." Taking a bite out of her own, she smiles. "Yeah, it's good. Still not sure if it was ten bits good, but still good."

I just munched away, which is all I really could do while disguising myself as one of these neanderthals.

About thirty minutes later, it was time for the show to start. We arrived just as one of the coordinators began issuing instructions.

"Alright gentleponies, I'll keep this short and simple. Stay in line, keep your human from misbehaving, and approach the stage when you are called. Any questions?" Which was followed by a wave of 'no' from the crowd. "Great, good luck in the show!"

And so the show began, no turning back now, but at least we had a good view of the show. The judging was in three parts, each with a different judge. First there was appearance, where an aquamarine unicorn mare with a white mane looked the human over. Then a rather burly looking stallion poked and prodded, apparently to test aggressiveness and submissiveness. The last "test" seemed to some kind of freestyle where a brown and gold pegasus mare lay on a pillow, and the human brushed, massaged, and did other such tasks.

"Number sixteen, Sparx and her human, Jack!"

Sparx took the leash off while we were being announced, then we walked to the center of the stage. I made sure to walk a step behind her and put a bit of swagger in my step. Of course, I had no idea if it made me look more impressive or retarded, but it didn't really matter at this point. Once we made it, I relaxed my pose and put my hands in the pockets I'd gotten Frostey to add.

The judge might as well have been wearing an iron mask for all the emotion she showed as I was being studied. Stopping in front of me, she looked to Sparx. "Have him get on his knees so that I may check his teeth."

Why am I not surprised she sounds like a strict school teacher.

Not waiting for Sparx to relay the order, I go down to one knee with my left hand still in my pocket, but my right arm now resting on my leg.

"How quaint." Was all the mare had to say as she proceeded to practically shove her hoof down my throat. I didn't even want to think how they trained the other humans not to go apeshit.

"I am done." The judging mare of few words then walked to the judges table and sat down, causing the stallion to approach us.

He gave Sparx a nod, then walked up to me. I hadn't moved yet, so my balance was precarious as he shoved me. Fortunately, we had been watching the other contestants, so I knew it was coming. Tucking my head and shoulder in, I rolled myself so I was sitting with my legs crossed.

"Impressive." This judge's voice was rather low and gravelly, not the kind of voice you want to hear in an alley at night. Putting his hoof on my chest, be begins to push me down onto my back. Not moving his hoof, he gets in my face and growls at me.

These ponies really need to learn that they can't do intimidating very well... Of course, instead of showing my disdain for such poor tactical application of their traits, I just tilt my head to the side. This stallion though, maybe he could read minds, because he knocked me on the shins with a hoof. I somehow manage to only yelp in surprise and not give him the seething death-glare this bastard deserved for such a trick.

"Interesting..." Was all he bothered to say, and then made his way back to the table, tagging the last judge in. This one actually bounced over to us.

"Hi! Nice to meet you!"

"It's nice to meet you as well, Miss." Sparx replied with a gracious smile.

"I can't wait to see what your little Jack can do!" The bubbly mare exclaimed, walking over to the cushion and laying down on it.

Getting up, I walk over to her and get a good look at the items on the stand. It turns out that they were all brushes of different types, and hell if I knew which one was for what. The mare was just humming happily to herself, waiting to be groomed. There was just one problem: I wasn't going to groom her. Instead, I get on me knees and begin to rub her back with my hands.

"I love my job..." She purrs in response to my attention.

Smirking internally, I begin to give her the best massage I could. Starting at her shoulders, I attack the knots with vigor, slowly making my way down as each knot disappears. I hadn't given a massage in years, and the anatomy was different, but I think I managed. She seemed to particularly enjoy it once I got down to her lower back and upper hip. Once I was done, I sat down a few feet from her.

"Thank you! You may now exit the stage and await the announcement of the winners! The bubbly mare then skipped back to the judges table as we walked off stage.

About ten minutes later we were on the stage with the other twenty contestants. On unspoken agreement, we made to put ourselves on the edge of the crowd, neither wanting to be in the middle of such a throng.

"Mares and gentlestallions, give a round of applause for our contestants!" The announcer boomed, and the audience complied with enthusiasm. "First place in this Service-Class competition goes to Keen Edge and his Lucy!"

More applause and cheering as a brown and yellow unicorn stallion in a duster of all things led his female to the front of the stage where the bubbly judge gave a gold medal and pinned a blue ribbon on the human's dress.

Eh, she ain't too bad looking for a neanderthal, five out of ten.

"Second place goes to Soft Breeze and her Jenny!" This time it was a pale yellow and blue mare that led her female to the podium to receive a silver medal and red ribbon.

I get the feeling that, at some point in the future, I'm going to have to come up with a name for the normal ponies, because calling them earth ponies just seems weird.

"And last, but certainly not least, third place goes to Sparx and her human, Jack!" Keeping our cool, we walked forward to receive our award. The bubbly mare looked like she wanted to say something, but professionalism kept her quiet. Sparx nodded to the mare, and we made our way to stand by the other winners. "That concludes today's competition! I wish you well until next time!"

With the final announcement, the crowds dispersed, the winners got their photo taken for the papers, and we were heading back towards the Thimble.

Later that night, we found ourselves in Frosty's living room, which happened to be above her shop.

"So how'd it go?"

"Not too bad, we got third and won a little over twelve-hundred bits."

"Only twelve-hundred? That doesn't seem like more than your usual jobs, and I figured Jack was smart enough to get first." Frost replied with a smirk.

Taking up my pencil, I replied for this one.Not my fault the deciding judge was a nympho that loved tits. Besides, it was easy and rather time efficient, and we didn't even have to worry about the guards!

"He's definitely right about the time part, it wouldn't be worth the effort if I actually had to put the effort into actually training a human." Sparx acquiesced. "Though training him was a nightmare itself..."

I gave her a half-hearted glare while Frost laughed. At least you didn't have to house-train me.

"Speaking of houses, I think I'm going to head off." The mare yawned, adding, "Who'd have thought keeping an intelligent human would be so draining?"

"Of course it's going to be draining, great sex always is!" The pegasus snarked.

I wasn't sure why this was the first thing on this planet that had made me actually laugh, but I couldn't help myself, I busted a gut. The mares stared at me incredulously as I kept my new laughter up, even if it sounded almost like barking.

"You can laugh?" The shocked duo asked.

I stopped when I heard them Well, yeah. I chuckled when I was scaring the shit out of that drunk bastard, don't you remember?

"That was a chuckle? It sounded more like a tiny landslide, this one's almost like hyena, and sounds rather disturbing."

"And I wasn't there for that." Frost chimed in.

"You know what? To hell with this headache, I'm going home." Sparx groaned as she rubbed her temple with a hoof and headed for the door. "Bye Frosty, bye Jack."

"Bye Sparx!"

I looked over at the remaining mare as the unicorn retreated. So, want to cuddle and go to sleep?

"Of course I do!" She replied with an enthusiastic smile as we made our way to her room.

Snuggling up under the blankets with her was a delightful experience, since these ponies were, without a doubt, the most cuddly creatures in the multiverse. I'm really not going to want to wake up in the morning...

One Riot, One Ranger
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

One Riot, One Ranger

Author's Note

It should be noted that I've re-looked it over myself, but no real editor has looked it over. Hopefully it should be legible. Oh, and I should be updating on a roughly weekly basis on this point out. I have enough built up for about a month's worth of updates, after that you may be in a dry spell, but I'm hoping to finally wrap things up, since I've been sitting on this for years.

One Riot, One Ranger

Ke'mot woke up at the crack of dawn, as usual, and was quite happy with the fact the human was not in her bed again. Not that she was particularly surprised, it was a human after all.

Rolling out of bed, she stretched before making her way to the kitchen for some coffee. Putting the pot on, she turned and noticed the a note on her table.

You know, Kemo, "Luna's Rangers" sounds so much better than "Lunar Guard. You should really put up a motion to Princess Luna to see if you can get it changed. Ori'vor'e cyar'ika - Jack Smith.

"What the hell?" She dashed to the lean-to where she put the human, only to find it empty. "So your masters came for you, did they?"

Going back inside, she threw a quick breakfast together to go with her coffee, then donned her gear as she started outside. Commandant Crow needed to hear about this, and she had been itching for a reason to have another Guard come and take over the mundane things so that she could truly destroy the Guild.

For the second time in the past couple of days, she was sitting in the Commandant's kitchen drinking coffee.

"So what's got you worked up enough that you would visit me again so soon?" Storm Crow asked, an eyebrow rising in curious amusement.

"The human is missing, though a note was left on my table," the mare replied bluntly, then put the note on the table.

"How did somepony get into your house without you noticing?" He mused as he read over the letter.

"I'm not sure, it's the first time that's ever happened, and I'll admit it bothers me."

"Really? Nopony's ever broke in before?"

"No, I worded that poorly." Ke'mot said with a rare chuckle. "It's just this will be the first time somepony's done it successfully."

"So, the note is not only vague, but I don't believe that last phrase is of any language I've ever heard of. That's not to mention the name, doesn't quite roll off the tongue right, nor does it seem to belong to the same language as the parting phrase."

"I don't know myself, but I intend to find out. Do you think you could get a Guard down here to look after the area while I try and get to the bottom of this?"

Storm sighed. "Are you going to end up doing something that'll cause me to end up with a huge stack of paper on my desk?"

"I just want to be able to focus directly on destroying the Thieves Guild, and I can't do that if I have to take care of all of the other petty nuisances that come with the city," the guard sweetly told him.

"And here I thought you would have already taken care of that little problem!"

"It's not my fault the leaders aren't as idiotic as their minions," she grumbled back at him.

"Well that's settled, so are you going to stay for lunch? The stew will be ready soon."

"Of course I will, nopony in their right mind would turn down that stew of yours!"

A few days later she wandered about Manehattan looking for a rat to follow. She'd already scoured a few locations to no effect, but the lane she was currently on had a mix of ponies from all backgrounds, the perfect place for a pickpocket to do their work. The glinting of gold from one of her saddlebags was also the perfect bait for such low-lives. Walking slowly with the hood of her light grey cloak shielding her eyes from the sun, she appeared to be lost in her own thoughts, even if the opposite was true, and she only made it halfway down the street before a thief took the bait. Ke'mot didn't even have to turn around to figure out who it was, the lane had plenty of mirrored surfaces to look at, so spotting the nervous and shifty looking stallion was quite easy and she remembered his blue mane and brown coat as she crossed the street.

She snickered at what adorned the front of the shop, wondering who would want to wear so much leather and have to worry about stabbing themselves on the spikes, before heading back down they way she'd come, using the reflective surfaces once again to keep an eye on her target. It wasn't long until the thief ducked into a bar, so she stepped into an alley to flip her cloak so that the light grey was replaced with a darker grey before following him inside.

The inside was strangely clean considering how it looked from the outside, and it was quite busy for the time of day, though the smell of food wafting from the back helped answer that question. Taking a second to find her mark, who was sitting with a bronze colored stallion, she took a seat a few tables down with her back to him. A waitress walked up shortly after to take her order.

"Welcome to The Dragon, what can I get for you today?" She asked with a friendly smile.

"Pancakes and some milk, please."

"I'll have it right out for you."

Ke'mot nodded as the mare left, and began listening to the stallions.

"So how'd your walk go?"

"Not to bad, found a few bits on the ground, but nothing spectacular."

"The Boss will be happy about that, she said for you to take a stroll down 14th later."

The brown stallion grunted at the news. "Of course I get 14th, better send the expendable newbie to the worst part of town."

His contact laughed at that. "Don't worry! You're just sight-seeing today, just don't look aggressive and you'll be fine! I hear there's a nice little museum there too, maybe look around it to ease your nerves."

Having heard enough, she went over and sat down beside them. "I hope you boys don't mind? I was starting to feel lonely over there by myself," she said sweetly.

"For a lovely mare like you, it would be our honor." Bronze said with a smile, while Brown just looked uneasy.

"It was really rude of me, but I overheard how your boss is letting you go to the museum as part of your job? That sounds lovely! Where would you work to get such a treat?" Her cloak still covered her wings and made it hard to see her eyes, but a sweet voice is usually all the convincing a stallion needs.

"We work at the Arts center down on 10th, occasionally we visit the local museums to get a feel on how well it's being run and taken care of." Bronze informed her.

Perking her ears up so the hood of her cloak slid off her head and they could see hey eyes clearly, she decided to ask her question in another way. "Well then, I don't suppose you'd mind taking me there? I'd really like to meet this boss of yours?"

The two stallions froze, only thestrals had slitted eyes, and they were almost all affiliated with the Lunar Guard. "I'm afraid she's out of town right now." Bronze stuttered, "and the offices is off-limits except for business."

Ke'mot just smiled at them, which had the side-effect of revealing her fangs. "You're such a spoilsport, but if you insist, how about answering a few questions, and then I'll leave you alone?"

"Here you go miss," the waitress said as she disappeared as suddenly as she arrived, a stack of pancakes and a glass of milk being left in her wake.

"Thank you dear," she called to the waitresses, before turning back to the pair. "So, tell me what you know about the training of human thieves, and the general location of your hideout. Telling me that will allow you to honestly say you didn't tell me where it's at, which is a really good deal for you, I might add."

"Alright, fine." Bronze replied with a sigh. "We aren't training humans as thieves, how the hell would you do that anyway? As for the base, it's somewhere in the old warehouse district. Anything else?"

"Just pick up the tab for me," replied the smirking mare as she got up and walked out on them.

"What a bitch," the brown stallion grumbled.

"Careful there, she's one of them Lunar Guards, she could still be here and we'd never know."

Ke'mot had her hood pulled up as she walked down the street for the third time that day, lost in thought about what she had learned.

So the Guild had nothing to do with him... This might be harder than I expected... Dragging herself out of her thoughts, she looks up and notices the store from earlier, noticing the sign reading The Golden Spindle. As she looked through the window, quietly chuckling at the "clothes" on display, a human walked across her vision. Normally the mare would have ignored it and been on her way, but this human looked familiar, though the lighting made it difficult to know for sure. Walking trough the door, the Guard's sight improved dramatically as the ringing of the doorbell faded.

"Welcome to The Golden Spindle, my name's Frosted Thimble, how may I help you today?" The cheery voice of a mare called as she walked through a door behind the counter.

The owner definitely looked the part, with more than a few piercings across her face and ears. "I'm just looking around, don't let me bother you."

"Just call if you need me! And don't mind Jack if he comes through, he occasionally wanders out and stares at all of the shiny metal." Frost told her with a giggle at the human's expense.

"Will do!" She replied with a laugh of her own. Wandering about the shop, she eventually came across the human, who appeared to be randomly moving things around.

"Hey there boy, are you sure you're supposed to be moving that?" Ke'mot asked the human, who appeared to be wearing a loose pair of shorts and a sleeveless shirt. The human turned and looked at her, and for a second she thought he looked confused, before he pushed her hood back and started scratching her behind the ears.

"Stop that," she growled as she swatted his hand away and pulled her hood back up.

The human flinched and went back to messing with the clothes. She left him with a huff, though her mind was busy trying to figure out if that was the same human. Deciding that he was, she went back to the front to talk to the owner about it.

"Miss Thimble? Mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"Of course! What do you need help with?" The seamstress replied as she walked back into the lobby.

"May I see that human's papers?" She asked as she fished the symbol of her station out of her bags, a silver crescent moon pendant.

"Oh, I don't have them, he actually belongs to a friend of mine, I'm just taking care of him for a few days while she's out of town. May I ask why?"

"You can, but that's classified. I will, however, tell you that he was in my possession until recently, and he didn't leave of my accord."

"You're saying my friend stole him from you? I don't think she's a thief, or stupid enough to steal from a Lunar Guard, of all ponies. Are you sure he's the same?"

"Very." Ke'mot replied. "So until further notice, I'm reclaiming him. If your friend wishes to retrieve him, she may find me at The Flagon Dragon Inn.

"But... But..." Thimble started panicking, but let out a sigh of defeat when she saw Jack signing for her to stop. "Okay, let me get his collar and leash. I just hope she's not angry with me..."

Once the human was leashed properly, Ke'mot turned back to the mare as she went through the door. "Thank you for your cooperation, and have a nice day." Frosted Thimble just waved.

After making it to her room at The Dragon, Ke'mot tossed her bags and gear on the bed with a long sigh. "I'm starting to think you're more trouble than you're worth."

She was about to head towards a nice, hot shower when the sound of scribbling caught her attention. Looking behind her, the human was holding a pencil and a note piece of paper, which apparently was from the now opened desk he was by. The mare was about to chuckle at his foolishness when she noticed the words written on it, You and me both, Kemo.

"And who exactly taught you that little trick?" The mare asked him with an acidic glare.

The human scribbled some more. Mrs. Woods, she was a nice old lady, and a really good teacher.

"So a human with some sort of intelligence, were you some kind of experiment?" Ke'mot's voice was all business, though the glare remained.

Looking at her in confusion, he wrote out an answer. No... Aren't you supposed to be freaking out? That seems to be the general response, and it's really taking the fun out of this.

"I'm a Lunar Guard, and it saddens me to say that a human that appears to at least try to be intelligent barely breaks the top ten on my 'weird shit' list." Walking over to him, she punched him in the arm. Hard. "And that's for jumping into bed with me, you damned pervert."

Rubbing his shoulder, he wrote out a single word. Ouch

"You deserved it," she remarked as she tied began tying his hands and feet. "Now you're not going anywhere, can't have you walking around freely while I'm in the shower. No peeking or getting at my gear, so it's two birds with one stone, as they say."

The human attempted to dissuade her by pouting, though she promptly ignored it in favor of taking her shower. The bathroom was surprisingly nice, with a clawfoot tub and a wide shower head that had adjustable water pressure. Grabbing the soap and brush, she cranked the pressure up so that she could fully enjoy the experience.

Twenty minutes later she emerged in a cloud of steam, sighing contentedly as she went over to unbind the human. A few quick tugs and he was free, "So how about we have a little chat?"

Sure, why not?

"Good, I would have hated to do this the hard way," the mare told him with a cold smile. "First, what are you doing in Equestria?"

The human shrugged. I'm guessing "wishing I was home" isn't the answer you want?" A flat stare was all the answer he needed. I honestly have no idea, I just sort of ended up here as a mute, and a benefactor that shall remain unnamed has kept me out of the pound. We may or may not have tried borrowing trinkets off of rich people, but we quickly dismissed that as a terrible idea, so now I'm a show-human.

"That's bothersome. Next question, do you intend to get home, and how do you propose to do it?"

I'd like to, but considering I'm from a different world, my intentions really don't matter. So instead I've decided to make the best of what I got by trying to live a long and quiet life under the radar. It's gone swimmingly so far. He flipped the pad around with a roll of his eyes.

"Very funny," came the sarcastic reply. "So, I'm sure you've heard of our Princesses, why wouldn't you go to them for help?"

Same reason you wouldn't go to our leaders, they lead a nation where it's completely legal for me to be owned as property and to be extensively tested if I fall too far outside the norms.

"So there are thestrals in your world?"

Jack shook his head. No, but there are ponies and horses with natural colorations that are beasts of burden. If anything from this world where to show up, it'd likely end up as government secret and experiment. They might end up being a decently well treated prisoner if they're lucky.

"You know, as one of the Lunar Guards under the command of Princess Luna herself, I can promise you they would treat you well."

Sure, but how about the general public? What happens when they learn that a small percentage of humans might be as intelligent as them? I'm guessing it would cause panic and some amount of discomfort for any of your "normal" humans.

Ke'mot sighed tiredly. "You're right there, as much as I hate to admit it the normal ponies would probably go into a panic. In that case, I have a proposition for you: You help me destroy the Thieves Guild, and I won't put you in jail or reveal you to the Princesses."

The human shrugged. Sure, it's not like I'm doing anything else right now. Or that I really have much of a choice.

"So, I'm going to leave you untied, but I swear on Luna's moon if you attempt to leave or so much as think to touch me, I will track you down and kill you," she warned him with more than a little venom. Compared to a rattlesnake, anyway.

The human shuddered slightly under the look.Yes Ma'am.

"Good, I'll see you in the morning," the mare said as she hopped into bed. With nothing more to say, Jack leaned back against the wall and tried to catch some sleep.

You Dun Goofed
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

You Dun Goofed

I awoke with stiff muscles to the sight of Kemo at full alert.

Seeing that I was awake, she pointed both ears at the door, flicking the right one twice before she lightly made her way slightly inside of the bathroom that flanked the other side of the entry. I wasn't quite sure what that meant, but in the situation I nodded and readied myself for whatever was going to happen. It wasn't a long wait, I heard the doorknob jangle and then the door slowly opened.

Both of the ponies that swept in had light clothes covering them, covering any distinguishable marks, except the daggers they held in their mouths, those were quite obvious and distinguishable. They paused slightly when they realized the bed was empty, which was all the opening Kemo needed to strike one in the temple with her hoof. Reacting with nowhere near the speed she had, I still managed ram my shoulder into the second one's ribs, causing him to gasp and drop his weapon before meeting the same fate as his comrade.

"Good job, I had it under control, but it's nice to know you're not useless."

I looked at her aghast. Me? Useless in a fight? No well in hell I'd ever let myself be useless in a fight!

"Once we get back to the cabin we'll need to have a sparring session so I can figure out how true that is." Ke'mot said with a smile. A very sadistic smile that chilled me straight to the core.

I thought there'd be a trial before the sentence, oh well.

"I need a plan, so it won't last long. And besides, I'm sure you'll make great bait."

My eyes rolled at that one. Can we at least stop by Frosty's so that I can have my knife for this terrible adventure we're about to embark on? I feel naked without it. She glared at me real hard this time.

"You expect me to let you wander about with a weapon? What kind of idiot do you take me for?"

Shrugging, I replied. I had it with me during the entire first visit, it's not my fault you didn't check my pockets.

"I'll be keeping my eye on you, you're too clever by half, while at the same time being too stupid by magnitudes."

True, but we should probably do something about these two before we continue our little verbal dance.

"Tie that one up while I get this one, we'll stop by the local Guard station and have them take care of it."

A blink of the eye later and we had two nice little piggies trussed up, thankful that it was an earth pony and pegasus, since an unicorn would have been irksome to keep tied if they awoke. Double checking them herself, the mare nodded and started down the stairs, so I followed as she pulled her hood up. At the bar, she tossed some bits down and acquired two rather large chocolate chip muffins, one of which she handed to me. Munching happily on such a fine treat, she led us to the nearest guard station, where a flash of something silvery looking got the guards strict attention and a detachment at the same time we did.

In a walk that's becoming depressingly familiar, we made our way back to Kemo's cabin, which was exactly the same as the last time I'd seen it. Sliding her bags off on the porch, she motioned me over into the grass.

"Now, come at me with what you've got, and if you land a solid hit I might even start to respect you."

Grinning, I wrote my response to the bold challenge and tossed it on the ground to the side. Respect eh? I do like some respect every now and then.

Squaring off with her, I began to study her stance. All four legs planted, though lightly so that she could move in an instant. Really, it wasn't much different than how she normally stood if you ignored the look in her eyes, which promised pain. Knowing it was a bad move, but not wanting to wait all morning I send a quick jab with my left at her, which she bats away easily. A raised eyebrow got her reaction across perfectly, so I send another left jab at her, and when she bats it wide I swing with it in an attempt to knee her. Of course, the mare was having none of that and with a sidestep and a sweep of a wing, I'm flat on my back.

"That's not going to fly, pretty boy," the guard tells me as her hoof is on my chest. "Let's try again."

Nodding, I get back to my feet. After a moment, this time it's her turn to go on the offensive. Using her wings, she charges me, catching me in the gut before I can react, ducking back while landing a soft hit on my knee on the way out. Realizing exactly how outclassed I was, I go on the defensive against the flurry of hits that come my way while weakly probing her defenses. Finally, I see a hit coming in for my gut, taking it with a grunt, I slam a fist into her chest.

"Enough." The mare says as she steps back. "You're not great, but you could probably hold your own against a thief or two, though I wouldn't advise letting an earth pony hit you."

In response I shrugged, it's not like fighting tiny quadrupeds was something I've ever done.

"So, the plan is to try and get you to the boss, and then you'll just listen in and report back to me once you have the information I need to arrest her, any questions?"

Picking up my pad, I scribble. So, about that respect? And the plan, I'd like to hear it at least.

"Well, I don't despise you anymore, so you've got that going for you. As for the plan, one of the few things I've heard about the guild master is that she has a harem full of... 'unique' humans."

So you're going to try and get me into that harem, that's your plan?

"Yes."

You do realize that if she rapes me or something, I'm killing her in her sleep, right?"

"That would be an unfortunate outcome, but I'm sure I could keep the Guard from putting you down."

Smiling, I write the final bit down before extending my hand. Then we have an accord.

She took my hand, giving a shake. "Now that we know that plan, how about some supper?"

Nodding, I follow her inside and take a seat at the table while she goes about making a quick vegetable stew. After an hour so of peaceful silence, the mare mare returns to the pot and ladles a pair of bowls full, setting one in front of me. Giving it a taste, I decided it wasn't too bad considering that the chances of me getting some good beef in there where exactly zero.

As I gathered up the dishes to clean them, a thought came to me. Can you go over the bit where I get into this harem while I'm cleaning up?

"Sure. Tomorrow we're going into town to meet an acquaintance of mine. I'll explain what I need done and she'll have you there by supper." The mare explained. "And if you're wandering why I don't just have her tell me the stuff I need, it's because she's at the end of a rather long list of ponies that such things get handled through. As it happens, you may be a big enough catch that she'll finally be able to get closer to the top."

I nodded from the sink, seemed like a decent enough plan so far.

"The problem, though, is how to get you back out afterward. They'll probably keep you caged up, so you'll only be free whenever you're with somepony."

Drying my hands off, I grabbed my pad. Are these cages locked, or "locked"? Because if it's as simple as reaching through some bars and fiddling with a catch I'll be able to sneak off with ease. Get me there and I'll figure out the rest.

"So your plan is to improvise, nothing more than get there and figure it out?" The mare asked incredulously.

Eyup, something like that.

"I'm starting to think this is going to backfire horribly, so I think I'll just head to bed and ignore the headache I have now." She groaned as she got up to and made her way to her room.

Snorting at the abrupt end, I poke around for a moment to see if I can find something to sleep with. Eventually I found a thin blanket and curled up on the couch.

Morning passed by in a flash of oatmeal and walking, and before long we were in front of a nondescript house in a relatively nice looking neighborhood. Ke'mot walked up and knocked on the door and waited for an answer, though she didn't have to wait long before a white and green unicorn mare opened the door.

"How may I help you this morning?"

"I just need to ask a few questions Ms. Dawn, my human here has been acting funny." The thestral explained.

"Well bring him in, and we'll see if we can get to the bottom of it!" The mare cheerily replied.

Following the nice lady in, we're herded into a small office. A quick glance reveals that it's the poster child for 'psychiatrist offices' everywhere, right down to a large ink blot picture on the wall. Seriously, this has to be some kind of trap to make people think she's not evil. Taking our seats, I watch the mare walk around to her seat, noticing her mark was some sort of weird ink blot thing itself. Her horn glows as a teal aura washes over the room, coating it before disappearing.

"You don't come to visit too often Ke'mot, so I'm guessing you're wanting to pass something along?" The unicorn asks inquisitively.

"Indeed, I need some help getting this human to the head of the thieves guild. Any chance you could manage that?"

"Hmmm, I might be able to, but what's so special about this human?" She then eyes me, trying to see what it could be.

"The higher ups did something to him, some experimental tracking spell or something, supposed to be undetectable and untraceable," the Guard lies smoothly.

"Well that could put me in a tight spot if it's found out and they trace it back to me. I'm not sure if I want to take a risk that big."

Kemo snorts at that. "Don't worry, you'll be compensated for the risk, in such a way that it's not connected to us."

"In that case, double my usual charge. Triple if he damages anything while he's here. "

"Deal. And you don't have to worry about him, he's pretty smart for a human. He's a bit weird too, but I trust you'll use discretion." Looking at the clock, she shakes her head. "Well, time's ticking, and I have a few other appointments today, so I'll see myself out. Thanks and have a nice day."

"You as well." Came the reply before Ke'mo swiftly made her exit, leaving the two of us alone. "I do truly wonder what's unique about you, but I may as well try my luck at reading tea leaves, it would be about as accurate as trying to read that mare."

My only response is to tilt my head and blink at her. Laughing at the sight, she takes the leash the Guard had put on me earlier in her magic, and I obediently follow her into another room. This one's brightly colored, with plushies of varying size and types spread across the room, as well as a large fluffy bean bag looking thing.

"Now you be a good boy in here while I figure out how to get you to the Lady discretely," the mare tells me as she leaves, the faint sound of the lock clicking into place damning me to stay here until she returns.

Looking around my new cage, I notice a small door on the other side, and quickly realize it leads outside to a small, covered pen. Shrugging, I curl up on the large cushion and await the sounds of her leaving the house.

After a few hours of boredom, I finally hear the sounds of my new 'keeper' departing. Praise the Sun, or something, I can finally get some food! Looking around for a flat piece of plastic, I finally find a little toy sword for one of the plushies. Taking it to the door, I wedge it in and start wiggling it about. After a few minutes, I'm rewarded with door opening. Wasting no time, I make straight towards where I remember seeing the kitchen, and it turns out to be just as mundane as the rest of the house.

Digging through the fridge and cabinet, I finally decide on a peanut butter sandwich drenched in honey. Even though I tried to take my time and savor it, it didn't last very long. With nothing better to do, and no real reason to be rude, I washed the plate and butter knife and went back to relax in the plush-filled room. With a little effort, a bed of the fluffy things was made, and was actually just comfortable enough for me to doze off.

The sound of hooves outside of the door woke me from my nap and the white unicorn entered my little room.

"Good boy, but it's time for you to go back to napping."

What is she... Her horn lights up and I see a shiny thing. Son of...

Her work done, the mare puts the unconscious human into a padded box, waiting for the two earth ponies outside to come in and take the neat package away.

God I hate this place, way too much shit is happening in way too little time... My conscious returning in dribbles, the only thing I know for sure is I'm lying on something soft, which is a nice change of pace. There appears to be some chatter in the background, but it's indistinct, muffled by the walls. Finally cracking my eyes open, I notice that I'm in a small room, plain, but with bars over the solitary window. Comfy, but still a jail cell. The door also has a tiny little window, one of those old school sliders that you see in those speakeasies from the Prohibition.

Speaking of which, the door opens, revealing a chocolate-brown pegasus mare with a light pink mane.

"So you're my new toy?" The mare licked her lips. "You do look the part, I do wonder where they found such a pretty thing."

This might have been a bad idea.

With a predatory gleam in her eye, she stalks towards me. "I don't know why they bothered dressing you up, I'm sure you're quite uncomfortable. But don't worry, I'll take those off for you."

I tilt my head, which is a much more "human" action than laughing my ass off. These ponies are still having trouble getting that intimidation thing down. I don't have long to think on it though, because this mare means business, my shirt was off before I knew it, and she was already working on my jeans. Or, at least, trying to, the button was giving her hell. Giving a sharp whistle to distract her, I take care of it.

That was close, can't have her damaging the goods in frustration, and getting a new pair of jeans would probably be a bitch too.

"Now that we've got that taken care of, how about you just lie down and relax." The mare told me as she slid my boxers off, seeming off-put by my flaccid state, but she gently shoved me onto the bed anyway. Personally, I didn't care either way if the bossy bitch jumped on or not, but apparently my dick was curious.

"See? At least part of you knows what it should be doing." The little pegasus started to giggle
as she started 'testing' me out.

Oops?
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Oops?

Author's Note

Oh hey, I'm basically on time! And I was at my computer so I was able to give it a good read over to smooth it out before publishing! Comments n such welcome, as always.

Oops?

A week had passed as I slowly became the chocolate mare's favorite toy, even if I couldn't seem to figure out what her name was. At this point, I was beginning to think no one actually knew it. Her cutie mark, however, was a crimson rose, complete with thorns. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing.

Laying in bed while scheming my next move, I hear the door open as my caretaker comes in. A white unicorn with a light blue mane, I could hardly understand how such a sweet little pony got mixed in with the guild. Her mark was a folded towel with a smiley face on it, which pretty much described the mare: Soft and happy.

"Good morning, sleep well?" I look at her, as always, trying to not give away the fact I had more brain cells than a lifetime alcoholic with a penchant for opening doors with his face. "Now be a good dear and let me change your sheets, the boss doesn't like sleeping on the same sheets twice."

With the mare insistently shooing me, I get off the bed and sit on the floor so she can strip the bed in record time. Seriously, I bet this lady is worth a whole castle's worth of maids.

"Alrighty sweetie, come along, it's time for your bath as well." She didn't even look back at me, trusting completely that I wasn't going to give her problems. And I wasn't, I wanted to be on everyone's good side here, and considering she was probably the nicest pony I'd ever met, I wasn't going to give her any grief.

Following the mare as I had the last six days of my mission, we wound through the maze of tiled floors and blue walls. It really felt like a school or something, down to those weird not-white white tiles on the floor. After passing about ten doors and a few hallways, we entered the laundry room, which happened to be where my baths took place. Sitting under the shower head off to the right, I waited for her to throw the sheets in the washing machine.

This place is all over the damn place tech-wise. They've got washing machines and lights, but still pull their own wagons. I just shook my head slowly while she was distracted.

"Alright sweetie, your turn." The nice lady tells me as she comes over. "Just sit still like every other day and we'll be done in a jiffy."

Once she was done scrubbing me down, she lays down on my lap as I begin to pet her and scratch her ears. The first time I had just pulled her down, much to her surprise, but once she realized I was showing my appreciation she became quite willing. It was really quite relaxing for both of us, and she always seemed more relaxed after our little session.

After about ten minutes or so had passed, she gets up and grabs an extra set of sheets. "Thanks sweetie, but now it's time to get you back to your room."

So here I was, sitting on my bed while The Crimson Rose is staring at me like she's contemplating something. Fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck. She knows something! For some reason, the fact that she doesn't have any muscle in here doesn't console me.

"Don't be so nervous Jack, there's nothing to worry about." The mare told me with a soft smile.

Tilting my head, I blink twice. Well fuck... I liked it better when I was just being paranoid...

"Now don't be silly, I know you can understand what I'm saying."

*blink*

"I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way." She sighs as she says it, like she's disappointed in me.

*gulp*

Then she's engulfed in silver flames, which is good, but when they disappear she's some sort of... holey bug-pony-thing. All I can do is stare at her in confusion.

"If you were a normal human, you'd have started running or attacked me already. Humans just don't seem to care for changelings, and can usually sense them." Tossing her newly silvered mane, she gives me a wink. "We're also emotivores, and you exhibit an extraordinarily large range of emotions of varying intensities, which also doesn't quite add up."

I guess that means I'm fucked, and probably over my fuck-count for the day, time to face the music. Sighing, I mime writing something, so maybe she'll give me something to work with. She nods, and magics a pen and paper to me.

Alright, you got me, I'm an alien who looks like a human and I'm a lone scout who's assessing the mineral worth of this world for central command.

"Emotivore, remember? I can tell that you're not telling me what I want to know." She seems saddened that I'd lie to her. "Of course, I'm pretty sure anyone with half a brain would realize that's a lie.

I'm trying to figure out who the head of the Thieve's Guild is so I don't get neutered?

"Much better, and how's that coming along so far?"

Well, I highly doubt you're the leader, so about as swimmingly as a slug on a salt lick.

"Very true, as it happens I'm more of an information broker, and I've managed to gather a few things on you. Barely a trickle by my usual standards, but I had a feeling there wasn't much information out there on you." There's that winning smile again, definitely not helping me trust the shapeshifter.

So what do you want to know and what am I getting out of it? My wrist is starting to cramp up from all of the activity since my arrival, and I'm getting really tired of having to make deals with new ponies every other day.

"The identity of the leader of the Thieve's Guild. And all I ask in return is where are you from, how did you get here, and would you like to continue feeding me information. The latter would mostly deal with information volunteered to you by Ms. Ke'mot. The Lunar Guards know that my little information network exists, but that's all that I've allowed them to know." The rather smug changeling informed me.

But do you want them to know I'm feeding information to you? I don't think I'm smart enough to keep something like that up, or have the patience.

"Of course," Rose says with a small pout. "I don't expect you to deceive the one in charge of you."

Ouch, my ego, thanks for that.

"Not a problem, but that also wasn't an answer." She gently pokes me, just so I know that I didn't give her the correct answer.

Fine, I'll ask her about it as soon as I can see her. So about that Big Bad's name? I raise an unamused eyebrow, just to make sure we know where I stand on the subject.

"Ke'mot will know her as High Arch, but the name you'll need to follow the trail is Temple Bell."

Alright, thanks for that. So can you just drop me off at Frost's place? Inconspicuous and all that, and she'll be able to get Kemo for me.

"Later, I was thinking we could have some fun more before you went home." The mare said in a sultry tone. "After all, I need to punish you for continuing to evade the questions of your homeland."

After a fun filled adventure, and another bath, I was being walked to The Spindle by some random pony, who was possibly a changeling, and on that thought Rose never did tell me her name, or how many changelings she employed, so I'm just going to assume they're all changelings. In the front we go as the bell chimes our entry, then Agent Secret drops my leash and leaves. No reminding me of the rules or anything, it was really quite rude.

"Welcome to the Golden Spindle, how may I help... you?" Frost asked in abundant confusion as I stood there alone. I smile to make her feel better and comfort her, just to remember that smiling humans are weird as it doesn't appear to help.

While she was taking a moment to pull herself together, I walk around to the counter and pop my leash off before grabbing the chalk board from underneath it.

So, I went on a mission for Kemo, was intercepted by another group, given the information I needed in exchange for more information, and now I'm waiting here until I can visit Kemo. Any questions?

"I'll skip on the long version, right now I'm just glad you're all right."

Well in that case, how've you been? I hope I didn't worry you too much."

"Oh no, not at all. Why would I worry about a Lunar Guard waltzing in and just taking you away? It's not like they're known for only getting involved when shit gets really serious." The mare replied.

Sarcasm isn't the lowest form of wit you know. It's not even wit at all.

She just gave me a long, hard stare. "So, you're working for the Lunar Guard, and now you're also leaking information to some sketchy group as well? You're going to need some luck to pull that one off."

Don't I know it, at least I'm supposed to let Kemo know about this, instead of sneaking around. And speaking of which, how do we even contact her?

"I'll figure it out tomorrow, but for now you need to explain what's been going on." The mare informed me with a withering look.

The short of it is Kemo thought I was from the Thieves Guild, and once she learned I was intelligent and not apart of said Guild, she gently persuaded me that the best course of action going forward was to help her figure out who actually is in charge of the operation. Rumor has it the boss-lady likes pretty-boys, so I tried to infiltrate the base. It was working well until the Intelligence Mafia intercepted me, and then their leader fucked me silly, it was pretty great actually. Now I'm back here with a name for Kemo and the hopes of starting up an intel bridge for Rose.

"Is that all? You're out of my sight for, what? About a week? And you go off and become some sort of secret agent?!" The mare thought over it for a second, then looked at me like I'd betrayed her. "And wasn't I supposed to be your first pony? Do you just put out for any mare that lifts her tail?"

Well, if it makes you feel better, it wasn't actually a pony.

"A gryphon then? I figured you'd be more scratched up if that was the case."

It's... Classified? She didn't even tell me her name. Secret mafia business and all.

"Really? You're horrible, you know that?" Frost said with a pout.

Yes I am, and no amount of pouting will fix that! Though it is fucking adorable, I'll give you full marks for it.

As she read the sign, my stomach decided now was a good time to come clean on the fact I was starving.

"So you're hungry as well? You're just never satisfied, are you?"

Smirk it up Metal Face, I might just eat you after all!

"Hope that's a promise!"

Make my stomach stop trying to rattle the dishes and we'll find out!

"Well come on, I've got some leftover lasagna in the fridge." The mare responded over her shoulder as dipped into the kitchen.

Not seeing a reason not to, I followed her and soon found myself feasting on some rather delicious tasting lasagna. Not being ambidextrous, I couldn't really "talk" and eat at the same time, so our dinner went by in relative peace. Once we were done, we tossed everything in the sink and made our way back to her room.

"So how about that promise?" The pegasus began with a wink.

Just try and fucking stop me! Was the last thing I wrote that night.

At the Inn of the Flagon Dragon
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

At the Inn of the Flagon Dragon

So we'd spent the last few days going over our battle plans, which is to say I followed Kemo around as she dug up more information on Temple Bell, or High Arch as she's usually known. Most of the places we went might have been on the slightly seedier side, but we didn't actually get any second looks until we entered the Solar Guard compound. We were stopped at the gates by a pair of guards trying to do their best Imperial Guard impression without actually calling us criminal scum. I'm guessing batponies come in two flavors to these guys: Guard and nuisance. Unfortunately for them, Kemo wasn't in the mood, so she flashed her Lunar Guard insignia and growled at them. If they'd have jumped back faster, they'd have left their teeth clacking in the air.

After scaring the tails off a few more guards, some from her snarls, and some from me giving them feral grins when Kemo wasn't looking, we eventually made it to a door with "Records" written on it. Inside of the room filled to bursting with file cabinets was a dark blue stallion in Solar Guard armor.

Looking up from his records, he gave a wry smile. "Ah, Ke'mot, what kind of trouble are you getting into this time?"

"The same as always, Sergeant Skyfall, the kind that you guys couldn't even dream of getting into."

Skyfall's eye twitched slightly at that. "Just because we aren't from the Lunar branch doesn't mean we're useless, you know."

"I've never called the Solar Guard useless, I just get tired of the starry-eyed ones that think they're a gift to mares everywhere. I've even had one or two try and feel me up while undercover. I'm sure those reports are here as well."

"Ah yes, I remember those, you still owe me a bottle for the headache of filing those without completely ruining their lives."

"But all I did was let them see that they should probably think before they act."

"And fractured a non-zero amount of bones."

"Well, looking in the mirror each morning should be a good reminder of what they aren't." Pulling a bottle out of her saddlebags, she set it on his desk. "As it is, I do indeed come with a peace offering in hopes that you can help me track down everything you've got on High Arch and Temple Bell."

At this point I was starting to worry about my safety, because this mare apparently didn't think twice about beating the shit out of idiots. Meanwhile Skyfall was looking at it, and gave it a tentative sniff.

"Some of Storm's personal brew?"

"Yes."

"Alright," The stallion took a quick sip before finishing, "It looks like you consider this to be important, so let's start."

After two hours we had a copy of all of the files on our mysteriously guildmaster, all in a sadly small envelope.

"Thank you Skyfall, until next time."

"Not a problem as long as you keep up the currently quality of bribery." The stallion was perfectly fine, the bottle on the other hand was already halfway gone. The guy was good, I'd caught a whiff of it earlier and that was definitely some high quality moonshine.

Making our way out of the compound, we went to the Flagon Dragon to get everything together. Making our way through the main room to the steps near the back, Kemo put a handful of coins on the bar as she passed. Apparently she didn't want to walk to her cabin and back every day for this mission. Settling down, she pulled the earrings out of her bag and passed me one.

"Alright Jack, look through everything I pass you and write down anything you think will help us"

Can do boss lady, though I am surprised you'd ask.

A snort followed the mental query. "I can miss things, and you're different world-view just might make a connection that I'd miss. As it happens I know you're not quite as stupid as I insinuate."

D'awww, thanks for the warm and fuzzies Capt'n, what would I ever do without your glowing approval?

She just ignored me and passed a sheet of paper, and so the work began.

After about three hours, I set the final piece of paper to the side and gathered up my notes.

Well, those guys didn't have so much as a parking ticket on High Arch, and all they have on Temple Bell is they believe her to be the person that moves goods between the various fences and storefronts that resell the objects. That evidence is hearsay from a few drunk thieves though, definitely not hard evidence. The reports also say Temple is light blue and purple, while Arch is white and blonde.

"That's as much as I got from it as well, so it looks like we're starting at square one," the mare said with some disgust. "And I really hate having to deal with corruption from the clergy, they're too good at manipulating ponies into thinking they can do no wrong."

Looks like that's one of the law's of the universe then, because I'm pretty sure that's the bane of all investigators. A rumble from my gut interrupts our conversation, not surprising since we hadn't eaten anything since breakfast.

"Let's go get some food, it should help us think."

Making our way down to the common room, we make our way to the back corner, even though we were the only ones not sitting at the bar. After giving the interior of what has to be the most generic fantasy bar ever, a question pops into my mind.

Paranoid much?

Instead of answering me like a normal person, she instead lets the maid that followed us over take her order. "Two stews please, or whatever you happen to have that's hot in the back."

"It's your lucky day ma'am, stew is what we've got for the day! Anything to drink?"

"Cider for me, and some water for the human."

"Quite a clever one you've got there to use a cup, I'll have your stews back in a jiffy!" The mare said as she swooshed her way towards the kitchens. I have no idea how she did it, but ponies are weird.

"And yes having a view of the entire room is important, you never know when somepony might walk in, sit where once nopony sat, and then try to stab you in the back," the guard told me as she placed some bits on the edge of the table.

Definitely paranoid. I'm not saying it's not warranted, but you're definitely paranoid.

The maid came back with our drinks balanced our her back and a tray of food in her mouth. Putting everything down, she beamed at us. "Here's the grub! Hope you enjoy your meal! Just yell if you need something!" And then she swooshed away again, which wasn't any less weird than the first time, though this time with a magic trick that involved swiping coins at the speed of light.

How the fuck is she swooshing? That's a noise reserved for flying, and she ain't got wings or a horn.

My companion just looked pained. "Notice how that pony was nothing but pink?"

Yes..?

"Good, because one of the first rules of living sanely in Equestria is to never try to understand how all-pink ponies function, it never ends well."

So just ignore ponies doing weird shit in the future, got it.

With that final thought, we dug into our food. It turns out it was pretty damn good considering the lack of beef. I'd learned that the cows here were people. And so were the deer, goats, and lambs. Once I learned that much, I decided to keep the fantasy that I'd have bacon again alive by not asking. On a brighter note, rabbits were rabbits, same with squirrels, so dumplings where in my future at some point.

"Got any bright ideas?" Kemo asked while we lazily mopped up the last of our stew with bread.

Nope, not familiar enough with the culture to actually know anything.

"Well, want to try to do the dumb human thing again? They occasionally take in strays, and I'm sure you're smart enough to figure it out somehow. If the Guards come and get you, I can just pick you up at the compound."

Bleh, why is that our plan again?

"Because neither of us have a better idea, and it mostly worked last time."

Can't we just have sexy ass give us the info we need? Since we are doing that thing with them.

"Sexy ass? Really?" Her eyebrow was reaching for the stars. Or at least her mane.

Well, I meant to say Rose, but telapthy conversation gets rid of the ability to think one thing and say another. I replied with a shrug.

"Anyway, the reason is because I don't trust them enough for this, they're changelings after all. We'll have them give us tip-offs for a while in exchange for other minor information before we fully utilize them."

That sounds like I'm not seeing her again.

"No, now stop thinking with the wrong head so we can rid the city of this pain in my ass."

Fine, tomorrow I'll go poke around the church and figure out what I can. Hopefully I won't become a sex slave this time.

"You seem to have enjoyed the last time."

Looking at her dead in the eye I ask. Do you know what a changeling can do with their tongue?

"No."

Exactly.

"So, any further objections to the snooping plan?"

Nope, I expected more out of your Rangers.

She looked at me rather crossly. "And I thought you knew we were Lunar Guards, not those 'Rangers' you keep prattling on about."

I shrugged, there wasn't really much to say, we had finished our food and only had a single plan. Making our way up to our room, I popped the earring off and set it on the night stand before inspecting the new dog bed that arrived while we were gone. Kemo didn't give it a second look, just offloading her bags beside the bed and her knives under the pillow. I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, she deals with the worst of her kind, the kind that's pretty okay with keeping human pets. I knew it wasn't much different than us keeping dogs back on Earth, but the role-reversal was just too much. On the bright side, the doggy bed was comfy and clean, so a good night's rest after a day full of walking was going to be great.

We'd passed the Solar Guard compound a few blocks back, and looking down intersection we were passing I almost tripped over my own feet. The road changed to fancy brickwork, and everything was made of marble. Literally everything. Benches, banks, restaurants, and even what looked like a damn smithy. But the church at the end of the lane dwarfed the rest, and I had no idea how I'd never seen the top of the thing before, as high as it was raised. Solid marble, like everything else, but with gold accents and at least six stories high, not including the giant ass sculpture of what I assume to be Celestia sitting on top reaching another fifteen feet into the air with her outstretched wings and horn. Kemo gave me a slight tug to get me to pick my jaw up from the sight.

"Stop gawking, you're supposed to be normal," she quietly growled. Fortunate we had the earrings on, so I got to give her my two cents.

It's not my fault I hadn't realized something so stupidly opulent was in the middle of what is a generic city. I mean seriously, I'm pretty sure that thing cost more than what 80% of the people here make in ten years. Combined.

Not bothering to respond, we continued on our way, looping around to the back side of the church where the gardens were. The garden looked every bit the part as the church did, and even though there was a wrought-iron fence surrounding it, you couldn't see very far due to the trees.

"Alright, so slip through the fence and just start wandering around, or whatever it is you do that seems to work out for you. Oh, and give me your collar and the earring."

Nodding, I slip the items off and hand them to her before turning around and seeing if I could actually slip between the bars. They looked close enough together to keep most adult ponies out, but I felt like I could squeeze through. Giving what I guess is technically my superior officer a lazy salute, I squeeze through the bars and began a new journey into the flora of this world.

The gardens were a beautiful sight, there were roses, morning glories, cherry trees, and just about everything else I didn't have a name for. Once inside the perimeter of trees, there were stone markers indicating the trails to follow through the soft grass. I figured it wouldn't take long to run into one of what had to be an army of grounds keepers that kept the place in such order, because if I knew anything it would be that this would become a complete mess if left alone for more than a few weeks. There was also no particular order to the trees and plants, and before long I was pretty sure this was also a maze, because I'm pretty sure I'd passed that blackberry bush twice now. After about an hour my luck finally did something, because as I rounded a bend I was standing in front of a familiar chocolate flavored pegasus.

"Why hello there Jack, fancy seeing you here?" Crimson Rose asked with a smug look. Being mute and with nothing but the clothes on my back, I just gave her a flat stare.

"Oh? Nothing to write on this time? Well just hold still for a bit and I'll fix that," the pegasus told me as a green light appeared above her head and over my right ear. "There, I gave you a one-way hive-link to me, give it a try."

The hell is your name, anyway? I thought at the bug that had been the cause of several things the last week or so.

"Just call me Chrysanthemum."

Fuck that noise, you're chocolate, pink, and have a rose on your ass. That's also too many syllables for casual use so now you're Rose. I crossed my arms to make sure she got the point, even though I have no idea if that particular visual clue meant anything to ponies, or bug ponies.

The mare gave me a sultry look. "Oh, I didn't know you were like that, our next little meet up will be interesting indeed if you spend the night. It'll be nice to have somepony that'll actually tell me no."

So do you use sex to make people do your bidding, or are you just a nympho? I don't know what the odds are of me meeting two in this city are, but I feel like they probably aren't high. I kept a hard look, because letting a women think she could make you do anything with the allure of sex never ended well for anyone. Especially Brad, that poor bastard.

"Oh, well, that's because while lust won't make a good meal like love or curiosity, it's... comparable to chocolate," the changeling smiled at me again. "Though there are a few of my underlings who get a good meal out of it."

That didn't make much sense, how could lust be chocolate to her, but a full meal to others? Apparently, she caught on to my confusion.

"Different hives acquire more energy off of different emotions."

That makes about as much sense as anything else in this place, so sure, why the fuck not. I rant back at her. To be honest, I was getting a headache every time I tried to understand how this world functioned.

"Good boy, now follow me and I'll lead you out of the garden so that you can try your hand at infiltration again." Rose's form was covered in silver flames as she lead the way, turning into a yellow earth pony with a trowel cutie mark and brown mane. Considering that was the basic plan all along, I followed her.

After walking through the still beautiful garden, I eventually began to see the back of the building, which even considering most of the public would never get to see it, was completely and over the top grand. Marble fountains depicting our favorite Ruler of the Sun in various poses were littered across the yard, which itself was criss-crossed with with darker marble pathways. These ponies really had a hard-on for marble. I know it's pretty and exudes wealth, but fucking hell there's such thing as too much. Noticing that I'd stopped, I picked up my pace as to not lose Rose, who seemed to know where she was going.

Eventually we crossed what appeared to be a room full of humans, and deciding I'd had enough of Rose's shenanigans, I split off in hopes that I could fit in better here. After she rounded the bend, I felt a buzz around my right ear, probably the spell fizzling. At least, I hope it fizzled, having her in my head at all times didn't sound like fun.

The humans in the room where cleaned up, wearing some sort of grey robes, and most of them didn't look like they'd been hit too hard with the ugly stick. The room itself didn't seem to have a point, there was a large wooden closet off to the side with more robes, some benches lined along the walls, and a bunch of humans milling about. So in the interest of doing my new job correctly, I found myself a robe and started to mill about, getting a few confused or interested looks from the other humans. It didn't take long for the boredom to set in, so now was the time to see how comfy that wall was.

Author's Note

Alright guys, going to cut this one a little short because I feel like it would otherwise end up as big as two of my other chapters combined. I've also not been writing at the rate I expected I would be once I started posting again. Oops.

A secondary "I just edited this" note is that I'm now at a real job, so who knows how much I'll be writing? I don't want to let you guys down too hard, so I'll warn you it'll probably be at least 2 weeks until the next chapter.

Dark Greetings
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Dark Greetings

Author's Note

So... I'm kinda late here gents, but in my defense I have a very obvious and terrible track record for writing schedules. I've also ended on a bit of a cliffhanger as well, because I didn't want to make you wait any longer. Be free to point out any bits that read wonky, I know there's a few that I had trouble making sound right.

Dark Greetings

"Alright, come along little humans, you're in for a treat today!" Came the voice of cheery little dull red and brown stallion in white robes, small enough that I wasn't quite sure if he was an adult yet or not.

The humans seemed to get the gist of what he meant and began following him while I was gathering my wits. I'd done some boring stuff in my life, but watching this group had sent me to sleep, even in my slouched position against the hard wall. Moving quickly, I catch back up to the herd, wondering what this was all about. So far it was nothing but meandering through the decadent halls, all sculptures and tapestries. It was a labyrinth, and we took turns seemingly at random, but eventually we came across another door that looked identical to the dozens we'd passed. Opening the door, the kid waved us in.

The room, now fairly packed with humans, had a few unicorns on a dais were against the back wall, all of them wearing golden robes. As the humans settled down, their horns began to light up, and a strange blue fog rolled down to fill the room. Realizing that breathing it in was probably a bad idea, I took a deep breathe before it reached me. It tingled as it touched my skin, but I didn't particularly feel different, and I was glad that after about thirty seconds it all dissipated. The nap had saved my skin, most of the other humans had been covered for well over a minute and my lungs wouldn't have been able to manage it. At this point the humans seemed to have become fixed on the main figure up front, a mare with a white coat and golden mane to match her robes.

"Loyal priestesses of The Order of the Sun, there have been murmurs that there is an enemy within our borders! One of the cursed Lunar Guard is sticking her noise where it doesn't belong, scour the streets and learn what you can so that we may foil the heretics plans!"

With that, the door was opened and the humans walked out, no longer bumbling about, now with a focused intensity. I don't know a lot about many things, but I think I just found High Arch. And learned she was the head of a cult that did weird brainwashing things to humans. The group was making its way through the twists and turns when we started passing doors with names on them. With a quick look around, I made sure no one was watching and slipped inside the nearest door. Definitely a dormitory of some sort, there was a pair of beds, desks, and a walk in closet beside a closed door that I assume is a bathroom. Everything inside looked rather cheap considering the entire building, including the interior walls, seemed to be made of marble.

Now that I was here I was at bit of a loss. Following the humans out of the building risked not being able to get back in, which was unacceptable, but now I had no idea how to proceed. Hopping onto one of the perfectly made beds, I wracked my brain trying to figure the puzzle out. Then again, maybe my hive-mind-link thing hadn't been severed earlier. ROSE! YOU LOOSE-LIPPED CHARLATAN! YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER AND YOUR FATHER SMELT OF ELDERBERRIES!

There, now all I had to do was wait for the little buggy to show up and help me out again. Ten minutes later with no bug in sight, it became apparent the link was either short-range or on a timer. Neither were particularly helpful, but lazing around in someone else's room wasn't going to get anything done either. Getting up from the surprisingly comfy bed, I made my way out and began to wander, doing my best to look like one of their humans who was just lost, or something. It's really hard to figure out what you're supposed to pretend to be doing without any real guidance, and the last time I'd asked I got the response of 'human things'.

I didn't even bother trying to actually find what I wanted, there weren't any markings of any kind to indicate what was where, so I just got lost in the labyrinth. One door I came across revealed a bathroom, and another was just a janitor's closet of all things. Maybe you had to have an amulet or something to actually navigate the place, because the two doors had been identical. About thirty doors later I opened a door and found a pair of ponies cuddling on a bed. We looked at each other for a second, blinking, before I calmly shut the door and went on my way. Maybe opening doors at random wasn't such a good idea, after all. Plan B, in this case, was to attempt to find a door that didn't match the rest, effectively turning this into Eye-Spy: Extra Hard Maze Edition.

Several hours later and not single clue if I'd been walking in circles or not, I was about ready to give up when the smell of fresh bread caught my nose. The delicious scent led me a mess hall of some sort, and the kitchens which were definitely more important at this point. The kitchen looked like it had been lifted from a school cafeteria, with extra large appliances and huge bags of ingredients lying about. Manning the oven at the back was one of the smaller earth ponies I'd ever seen, yellow and green with what appeared to be a loaf of bread and a mushroom on his ass. And pony hearing, because his ears swiveled back as soon as I'd taken my third step.

"What are you doing in here sport? You should be out with your friends having fun!" My stomach rumbled and I'm pretty sure I heard some glasses clink against each other. The pony, on the other hand, gave a huge laugh, the kind that makes its way up from your belly. "Well that answers that, come over here and I'll let you have some of the scraps."

Well, I wasn't about to let free food pass, especially free food that smelled like this. Making my way over to him, I sat down and begin to nibble on the misshapen clumps he passed to me. He went on working, occasionally passing me 'unsatisfactory' pieces and humming a cheery tune. The hour passed surprising quick, and once everything was done and laid out my benefactor began to munch on his own lunch, which appeared to be some kind of mushroom sandwich. Scooting over, I started petting his mane as a payment for the delicious food.

"You're a weird one, aren't ya?" The chef asked as he raised an eyebrow in my direction. I didn't answer him, and he didn't expect me to, so he finished his food before beginning to motion towards the door. "Alright, git. I can't have you back here when the rush starts. Shoo."

Having worn out my welcome, I head towards the door and start the process again. More identical hallways. Yay. It took me a total of five minutes to get completely lost this time, setting myself a new personal record. But that didn't last for long as I turned a corner and found a staircase, which lead to the age old question of up or down? Without any real knowledge I went down into the basement, because any cult worth it's salt keeps the evil stuff in the basement, or at least that's how it worked on Earth.

Making my way down the stairs, the normal glowing gems they used upstairs to light the place was replaced by some good old-fashioned iron braziers and the walls changed from marble to some kind of boring grey stone. The last step put me in a room with four doors, one on each wall, decorated with a different animal. Serpent, Lion, Lamb, or Wolf were the choices. There was probably some deeper meaning behind the choices, but I was biased due to having a pet timber wolf back home, so no thought was really need.

After going in, the door slammed shut and clicked, making the only way forward. With a path so plainly laid out, marching was the order of the day. Keeping a wary eye out for traps, I strode through the twisting corridors without a door in sight to break up the monotony of it all. The twenty minute walk, while slightly nerve wracking, turned out to be peaceful, without so much as a pitfall. The path finally ended in a decent sized cavern, complete with an underground pond with a tiny island in the middle. The setup seemed awfully familiar, and bad, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Instead, I poked the water with my foot, to see if eldritch abominations were going to come and get me. Fortunately the only thing that happened is a few fish darted away from the disturbance. Unfortunately, the only way to the island was to swim, and the obsidian pedestal had something shiny on it that promised to be worth it.

Considering my luck so far, I figured it'd hold just long enough to get there, so with everything but my boxers on the cave floor, I dove in. The chill went straight to my bones, feeling like someone had replaced my blood with liquid nitrogen. With a chattering that bounced off the stone walls, the island was within arm's reach. The prize for this little venture turned out to be an onyx figurine in the shape of a wolf. Or, at least I thought it was onyx, but it felt a little heavy for me to be sure. The figurine was perfectly detailed, down to individual hairs on the beasts coat. Leaning against the obsidian, I began to run my hands over the statue, trying to decipher if it was perfectly crafted, magical, or both. The black cloud that started to swirl around me shortly afterward made it painfully clear which it was, and I slumped as the magic corralled me in to the darkness of sleep.

"The fuck is going on?" I grumble, getting up and taking in my surroundings, which happened to be a dark blue box.

"You are my new servant! You shall obey my commands! Now release me from my prison so I may once again spread terror across the lands!" A female voice behind me exclaimed evilly.

Turning, I saw a dark purple unicorn continuing to act evil. "Where are we, anyway? And why does my voice work? Not that I'm complaining, but it almost feels weird after not being able to after... However long it's been that I've been stuck here."

"You don't even know what your mindscape looks like? What kind of mage are you?" The mare looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"Since when have humans been able to become mages? The human bastards here in pony-land haven't even figured out how to stab their slavers with pointy sticks yet, let alone figure out magic."

We just kind of looked at each other in confusion at this point, both of us feeling like we both had about ten pieces of the five hundred piece puzzle.

"What's a human?" The confused evil-doer asks.

"I'm a human."

"We're still on Equestria, right?"

"Yeah."

"When did Equestria get humans?"

"No idea, I'm actually an alien. The humans they have are all pretty stupid. It's depressing, to be honest."

"Sounds like it, but what about Discord? Is he still around?"

"No idea who that is, all I know is that two alicorns have been in charge for thousands of years. Luna and Celestia, if memory serves."

"I think I remember them, but they were mere foals when Discord trapped me. I don't even know how long I've been stuck in that stupid rock! I know ponies have come by, but Discord told me the only way to break free was if a non-magical creature touched my prison! Which is ridiculous! There aren't any creatures that don't have at least a trace amount of magic!" The mare ranted, one eye twitching as she finally stopped to try and catch her breath.

"No fucking clue lady. Though I am curious as to why you were stuck in a wolf statue, that just doesn't seem to be your thing."

"That's because I was stuck in the rock it was sitting on, you idiot. Even if a non-magical creature managed to get in here, most would just take the shiny figurine and run, not realizing it's uselessness!"

"That sounds like it was set up to be infuriating."

"It was, but I've kept my sanity to spite him. Giving in to the Chaos would be letting him win, after all."

"He stuck you in a rock, I think he won."

"Against me, maybe, but considering the lake isn't filled with soda, I'd say he tasted defeat at some point. As it stands, I'm alive with a host, even if it is weird and non-magical. Though I'm unhappy that my host is beyond my control." She finished with a pointed glare.

"Why can't you? It's not like I can resist against magic."

"I have no idea, but nothing I've tried works with you. This is quite irksome because, in my rush to be released, I fused our souls together, but since I can't use my magic to affect much of anything now, I'm quite stuck." She replied with a pout.

"So... We're stuck together until we find a unicorn mage that's proficient in Soul Magic?"

"Pretty much."

"Well then, in that case, it's nice to meet you. My name's Jack Smith." I held out a hand to shake, though she looked at me funny before replying.

"My name is Werda, Mistress of Nightmares."

"Mistress of Nightmares? Wouldn't that be that Nightmare Moon thing that happened to the night princess?"

The mare snorted derisively. "Nightmare Moon is a hack. Comparable to poltergeist at best, and is really more of a leech than anything. Sure, there's an increase in power, but the drain of sustaining it far outweighs the benefits. The madness and jealousy incurred just aren't worth the paltry power it grants at first though, as it holds more power over you its power does grow."

"Well, the only super-beings I know of so far have been alicorns, and I think I've heard of Discord at some point, I think he was some sort of fucked up chimera?"

"That's an odd way to describe Discord, but I can understand why you might think of him as so."

"Alright, anything else?"

"Wake up."

The Mistress and the Princess
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Mistress and the Princess

Author's Note

Alright, putting the finishing touches on this one before bed, let me know how I messed up and I’ll likely fix them after work tomorrow.

Oh, and I’m only sort of late for this one, go me!

The Mistress and the Princess

Waking up was a bit of a trip, because it became apparent that the black mist had some hallucinogenic effects. That's the only way I could be seated here in front of High Arch after remembering having an odd conversation with one 'Mistress of Nightmares'. Looking around the office, it was oddly spartan, I'd figured Arch to be more of an expensive things everywhere type of cult leader. The pony in question just continued the hard gaze she'd been giving me since I awoke.

"And you say you found him in the Wolf Tunnel?"

"Indeed, Priestess. He had the figurine in his hand, but the pedestal resonated after we replaced it, and we ran a scan to make sure nothing had happened."

"Everything points towards a human getting confused and lost, then grabbing something shiny. However, I get the feeling there's something more to this human. What did the scans on him return?"

"Nothing that we could trace towards him not being one of ours, though his vitals are all off. We think it might be a side-effect of the water."

Man, this trip is fucking weird, wish they'd sober me up with water or magic or something.

You're not tripping, you insolent fool, they're currently discussing whether or not to keep you around or err on the side of caution and just kill you now.

Wait... That's not what the voice in my head usually sounds like...

That's because I'm the new voice in your soul.

You mean I haven't been tripping? You're some Shadow Mistress and these bastards want to kill me?

Indeed. You're not very bright, are you? Before I could tell the invasive bitch to shut up, the pony behind me spoke up again.

"As to our options, I can dispose of him tonight, though I do think this one appears to be your type."

Arch gave me what I assume was supposed to be a predatory smile, though the mouth full of molars blunted the effect. "You know, I think you're right. Put him with the others."

"Come."

That's all the warning I got before the bastard starts yanking on my robes with magic. We exit the esteemed Priestess' office and proceed back down some more identical corridors, though a look back confirms that she does get a special marking for her door in the form of a stylized sun. Probably Celestia's mark.

We eventually enter another room, one with some humans in it, with the a few males that are almost not ugly in a few cages by themselves, and a bigger cage against the back wall with a couple of females in it. If they weren't practically animals and I had a few shots in me, I might have thought them pretty. Then I was pushed unceremoniously into a cage myself, and with the click of a lock I was left to the company of a group of semi-intelligent humanoids.

So, was being caught apart of your plan?

And that new and weird voice in my head. That was actually the entirety of the plan. Get in, get caught, find dirt, get out. Nice and simple.

That's a terrible plan. At least I've figured out how to make magic work through you.

So what's causing problems? Getting old and rusty? I could practically see the disdain from my new imaginary voice.

No, it turns out your flesh doesn't conduct magic very well, and without a horn I had no way of focusing my magic to get anything done. However, it turns out your bones conduct magic very efficiently for some reason. She explained smugly.

So point my finger at the thing to magic, and you'll do this rest?

That's a very simple way to put it, but I suppose it's not technically wrong...

So, wanna get us out of here? I inquire as I point at the lock. Instead of replying, she just zaps the lock open as all of my hair stands on end. Fucking hell! Is it going to feel like I shoved a fork in a plugin every time you use magic? The smoke curling off my arm confirming that it actually did zap the shit out of me.

Probably, don't be such a foal about it, that wasn't even a powerful spell.

So anything that would defend me would just fry me, I thought having an immortal guardian demon would make stupid strong. I grumbled as we began to search the room for clues.

There was nothing under the bed, under the mattress, in the nightstand or the wardrobe. The practically empty wardrobe actually bothered me, something seemed off with the measurements, so a closer look seemed warranted. In this case that meant poking the entirety of the thing over the course of five or so minutes, but my patience was rewarded as a knot in the bottom of it popped out to reveal a false bottom. With a smile I hooked my finger and yanked, revealing the secret cache of documents. They looked like some kind of business documents, so I stashed them in my robe and consulted my new benefactor of darkness.

So... Any chance you can get us out of here? Preferably in one piece.

I don't believe I can teleport you, but I know the way out.

Good enough, just point me in the right direction. She snorted at that, but fuck her, it's a figure of speech!

Somehow she'd managed to navigate the place and put us back into the gardens, maybe she had spirit vision or something, though there were a few close calls on the way. The worst one being when I came across a pair of priestesses that tried to drag me into some side room. I thought I'd caught a musky smell, but it didn't matter since Werda took things into my own hands and zapped their tails together. It was hilarious and I would have stayed longer, but humans aren't supposed to laugh and they'd figure out I did it at some point. Shit still hurt like hell though, but I knew it was coming this time. Going in a straight line through the woods was a skill I picked up back home, so getting out of the gardens was pretty easy, and all I had to do now was make my way back to the Spindle. It took bout an hour, but I was rewarded with the ring of the bell as I walked into the shop, and Frost was there to greet me.

"Jack! You made it! How many mares did you fuck this time?" She asked with a shit-eating grin.

Walking around the counter, I pull out the marker board she keeps there. Zero, it's not like I go out of my way to fuck every mare I come across! She gave me a look at that, but I ignored it to continue. Oh, and I have the soul of some nightmare goddess or something in me now

"That's got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

But it's true.

"Uh huh, are you sure that's not just you going crazy?"

Hey, can you give her a zap? I ask my favorite soul partner.

If you insist.

Sweet, thanks. Very low voltage though, she's about half metal. I reply as I point my finger at my favorite mare. A quick jolt and both of our hair is standing on end while I felt like I stuck a battery to my tongue.

"Jack... You really weren't joking, where you?" She looked rather worried, and hilariously poofy.

Nope. She seems pretty nice so far, she's helped me out. Also, apparently her soul is bound to mine, which means she can use magic through me. Though the stronger it is the more it shocks me, the unlocking spell she used earlier zapped the shit out of me.

"How do you constantly get into stuff like this?"

I have no idea, so instead of an giving an explanation I don't have, can I get some food?

"Yeah, go get yourself something to eat, I still have to keep an eye on the front." The mare replied with a tired smile as I went to raid her kitchen.

Frosty had apparently gotten a letter to Kemo, so the morning after I'd returned we were having a nice breakfast of omelettes I’d made to mark the special occasion.

I really need to explore the market, should be some fun new spices to try out.

Indeed, the memories that you're pulling up are making me envious.

I stopped for a second, blinking. You taste and feel what I do?

Only when I want to.

Weird.

"You okay over there?" Ke'mot asked as she cut another slice of her omelette off.

Was I spacing out? It's hard to tell when you're talking with the voice in your head that, apparently, can also latch on to your senses.

"Yeah, we're going to need to talk about that. I know you told Frost that it's benevolent, but I'm going to have to put my hoof down on this one. I can't trust it, and since it's inside you, I can't trust you."

Harsh, but understandable. What's the plan on fixing that?

"I'm afraid that if you're telling the truth, then the only one I trust to check this out is Princess Luna herself." The mare told me, looking as apologetic as I could expect from the ranger.

With a sigh, I reply. I understand, the creatures of the night here have a reason to not trust voices in their heads, after all.

And why is that?

Because Luna was corrupted by 'The Nightmare' at some point and became Nightmare Moon. Then tried to dethrone her sister and make the night last eternally. It didn't particularly end well for her or the thestrals from what I've heard.

"So how long are you both going to be gone this time?" Our pegasus friend asked. "I've gotten used to having you both around, it's definitely made my life interesting."

"Shouldn't be for more than a few days tops. Most ponies rarely go to Princess Luna for problems, so the few that do rarely have to wait long."

So we're leaving after breakfast I take it?

"Yes." After that short affirmative, we continued finishing our meal, though Frosty was looking down at the thought of me being gone again.

Thanks for letting me have some breakfast Frosty, you're the best. I write out after we finish up, giving her a bear hug to show my gratitude.

"Let me down!" The mare squeaked, completely caught off guard. Or maybe it was from the bone-crushing hug. Letting her down, I give her a huge smile.

"It'll be a nice vacation for him, Canterlot's a sight to behold, and unfortunately we have a train to catch."

"Well I hope you two have a nice trip, just try not to lose him to somepony again!"

Kemo just gave her a small smirk as she walked towards the door, while I waved with both arms and a goofy smile, giving us the sound of laughter as we exited the shop.

A few hours of train rides and being collared later, we were in sight of Canterlot itself. And holy shit it was sparkly as fuck. The mystery as to why the church had a hard-on for marble was solved, at the very least.

Hey, Werda, delve through my memories and tell me if I'm mistaken, or if this city looks like they glued Minas Tirith to the side of a mountain.

If I'm looking into the correct memories, then you're not completely wrong, there is indeed a resemblance.

The memories should have some ghosts and dark dudes in cloaks and midgets with rings associated with it.

Then I was looking into the correct memories.

The train whistle cut our conversation short, we had already arrived at the station. Kemo waited for the rush to thin out before giving my leash a light tug to get me to follow her. The streets of Canterlot were immaculate, everything clean and polished to a such a shine that I was squinting half of the time, and I'm sure my nocturnal friend was probably in agony, even if she was being stoic about it. So while we traversed to the castle, I didn't get to see many of the sights, but at least I didn't have to worry about not acting like a 'human'. Before long we were at the gates of the castle itself, and being stopped by the guards.

"Halt. Identification is required to bring humans into the castle." The first guard commanded as he and his twin blocked the entrance.

"Lunar Guard Ke'mot Can'gal, here to bring a report to the Princess of the Night." Kemo told the guard as she pulled out a silver crescent moon pendant.

I'd never actually seen it before, just the glint of the chain around her neck and the few times she's flashed it to guards in Manehattan to get her point across. The guards gave her a polite nod as they moved aside, and we entered not-Minas Tirith. It was pretty fantastic, it felt like an old castle but warmer, and all sorts of art, and more seemed to just keep coming as we passed some ponies putting another stained glass mural together. Entering a small side passage, we walked until everything became darker, the bright reds being replaced by deep blues, and the gold by silver. It didn’t take an expert on aesthetic design to figure out we were now entering the section of the castle that belonged to the Princess of the Night, and the moon replacing the sun motifs certainly was a big hint. Another break from the passage lead us to a hall guarded by a pair of thestrals in plate armor, who upon seeing us, gave a rigid salute.

“At ease.” Was all my guide said as she walked past them into the main room of the barracks. It was a large place, with a long fire pit running down the center and wood tables spread about at random, a few with batponies out of armor sitting at them with food or drinks. Passing them all, we went through yet another passageway of doors, but it appeared we’d come to our destination as she opened one and motioned me into the small room. It wasn’t a fancy room, just the basics, but it was clean and serviceable.

“Alright, set the evidence you found on the desk while I go set up a private meeting with the Princess. Don’t wander off, it shouldn’t take long.” Ke’mot told me as she made her way back out of the door, shutting it behind her as I waved goodbye.

So before we talk to the Princess who came back to a nation of slavery, is there anything you need to tell me?

I do not believe so, no, but you seemed to be concerned that I’m going to get us killed.

That’s the blunt way to put it, yes. From what little I know, you seem to be some sort of ancient power that deals in nightmares, while the Princess we’re about to meet has a job criteria that basically seems to be summed up as “destroy things that go bump in the night.” Which I think might include you.

It’s possible, but if she’s reasonable we shouldn’t have a problem, especially since I’m relatively powerless while our souls are bonded.

Right, hope the pretty princess pony of the night is reasonable, just like the rest of this place.

Do not worry, even as we are I’m sure I can defend us.

That’s... actually reassuring, thank you.

You’re welcome. As for your fears that I’ll corrupt your soul, that shouldn’t happen since you seem to have an interestingly strong soul. It’s, admittedly, not useful for much, but it’s a good trait to have.

Awesome. Oh, and let’s try and not let the Princess know that I’m not a neanderthal, I’m sure she’s a nice pretty princess pony, but I don’t feel like testing my luck if Kemo doesn’t tell her.

I shall do that, though I do believe your fears are unfounded.

Thanks for that, I just feel like being paranoid is the safer route here.

The door opened to reveal my favorite batpony, who was motioning for me to follow her. So down the yellow brick road we went, except we were already at the castle, because metaphors. At some point we ended up near some windows, which revealed that most of the day was gone, the sun sitting low in the sky creating a beautiful sunset. I didn’t get to appreciate it for long, because soon we hit the main hallway that stretches straight to the throne room itself.

“The Princess is awaiting you.” The guard told us, stomping a hoof, the sound causing the doors to slowly open.

Walking down the surprisingly short carpet to the thrones, my company stops and gives Luna a salute while I stand there like an idiot.

“She knows about you.”

Well fuck. I give her one of those one knee, fist on the ground bow things you see in fantasy movies.

“At ease. Now, I’m not going to ask for the full story, just give me a summary of the relevant parts.” Princess Luna commanded.

“I’ve come across this human, Jack, who befell some magic and was dragged across the Blind Eternities. Since we can communicate, I’ve had him helping me look into the Thieves Guild. However, after following one of our leads, he claims to have come into contact with a stone that held the soul of an ancient being. I deemed it necessary for you to look into the matter, as ignoring it could be catastrophic.”

“This could be grave news indeed. Please step forward Jack.”

She asked nicely, and choices were slim anyway, so I approached the dais. I knew the Princesses were probably bigger, due to being alicorns or whatever they’re called, but this one could look me in the eye. It would have been a nice change, if the dais didn’t give her a foot or so on me.

“Alright, now hold still and don’t fight it. I can’t promise it won’t be painful, but it shouldn’t be more than slightly irritating.” I was told in a sincere voice.

Giving her a thumbs up, she wrapped me in a blue aura. The hairs standing on end thing was getting old, and I was pretty sure I saw a few sparks. Needless to say, it was unpleasant.

“I’m sorry that you’re physiology doesn’t agree, but I should now be able to hear any thoughts you project into your mind.”

So now you’re reading my mind. Yay. Anything showing up on the Magic Radar?

“There is some dark magic mixed in with your soul, and a knot of chaos magic in your chest.”

The ‘dark’ magic you are sensing would be me. I am Werda, Mistress of Nightmares.

“That is a bold and dangerous claim, for nightmares are my sworn enemies.”

They only do as much harm as you let them. When kept in check, they keep ponies from straying too far,
for they feed on their fears, while reminding them some things need to be feared. When I was still with form, I shepherded them and used them to help ponies understand the fears they were hiding from themselves, helping them come to terms with them.

“If they are harmless, how was I corrupted into Nightmare Moon?” Princess Luna demanded with a glare.

I did not say they were harmless, only as harmful as you allow them. I’m sure in my absence many of them became willful, seeking to shape both the ethereal and physical realms. Werda replied calmly.

“Can you control them?”

I can not, for no one can control fear itself. I can only keep them in line, guiding them towards those most deserving.

“This is truly an unfortunate situation, for I do not wish to let you go free, but I can not remove you from this human, who I will not imprison due to sheer chance.”

If it eases your mind, Princess, this body is not conducive to using my magic. I can dream walk, but any powers that affect my environment put stress on Jack’s body, and his death would not end well for me.

“It does indeed ease my mind, but I fear this decision is too much for me to handle on my own.” At this, the Princess turned to the Guard who had been watching the ordeal with a silent vigil. “Please return with them shortly after dawn, so that me and my sister may reach a consensus as to what shall be down. Fare thee well, my loyal subjects.”

And with that dismissal I was herded out of the throne room and back to barracks. There was nothing to be said as we got ready for bed, so as the lights were shuttered I curled up on the blanket nest that was my bed and drifted off to sleep.

Sun and Moon
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Sun and Moon

Author's Note

Sorry 'bout the time for this one, ladies and gentlemen, I actually had social obligations for a little over a week, and didn't even turn my computer on during any of it. But it got here eventually! Which has to count for something. I've also realized that I'm more comfortable writing dialogue than anything else, and I'm sure there's a correlation between the density of dialogue and how long a chapter is.

Oh, and a huge thanks to those that support me, and let me know of any errors and I'll fix them as soon as I can.

Sun and Moon

The next morning started with me being poked by an armored hoof, which is always a pleasant way to be woken.

"Wake up, Jack, time for our meeting." I didn't even respond to such an absurd statement. No one should be up at this time.

Get up. If you do not show, it reflects badly upon me, which would end badly for both of us.

Yes Mistress I reply with as much sarcasm as I can muster.

You do realize I understood the connotations of that, correct?

Yes, and I don't care

"Stop fucking around and get up." The guard barked from where she was putting the finishing touches of her armor on.

Deciding that testing my benefactors good will was probably a bad idea, I got up and walked towards the door. Getting dressed up, or at least my hair brushed, would have been nice, but none of the brushes looked like they'd do anything useful. With a small sigh, I follow Kemo back towards the Throne Room, where we are once again let in by another of the carbon-copy guards.

We approached, I knelt, and we waited to be spoken to. Fortunately, neither of them wished to drag out the pleasantries.

"Good morning, loyal subjects. I've been informed that we have an important matter to discuss." Celestia said in a warm voice, which really didn't surprise me, considering she was the avatar of the sun and all.

"Indeed, your highness." Kemo responded, while I nodded an affirmation.

The Princess floated a gem from behind her throne and handed it to me, "While you're holding this, your thoughts will be heard by us, and it should work for Werda too."

So is this thing going to replicate my voice, or go all robot, or... I'll just answer my own question. Now everyone has voices inside their heads.

While I'm glad it works, this is a serious discussion and that was barely even a joke.

Well excuse me, Mistress. We can't all ouch. Our friend had decided to derail me by applying her hoof to the back of my head. That was uncalled for, Ranger.

"Ranger?" Luna asked.

"Don't get into it, he's an idiot."

"So Werda, who exactly are you? I don't recall hearing or reading about you at any point during my considerable life." The solar princess not so subtly derailed the conversation back to where it was intended to be.

I'm not entirely sure why, but I believe I've been locked away since a time before either of you truly walked these lands. While your names sound familiar, I have been bound underneath one of your churches and likely heard your names from the devout. As to who I am, I am Werda, Mistress of Nightmares, just as I told your sister. I used to keep the Nightmares in check, making sure they never brought ruin to those they visited.

"But why would you allow ponies to be afflicted by them? They're terrible experiences and can effect the mind, whether they sleep or not." Luna inquired.

It is true that Nightmares can cause many problems if left to run amok. However, when they are properly cultivated, they remind ponies that their fears and guilt are not without reason.

"That is a strange view to have, though I can see the logic behind it if you are from before the Age of Harmony." The Solar Princess mused.

Is that what you are calling this age? I'll have to see more to truly gauge it, though I do know that regardless of what I see I shall prefer it to the Age of Discord.

"I do hope so, I've worked hard to promote peace and harmony through out all of my little ponies. To stray back to our original topic, however, I do hope we can come to an arrangement that will work for all of us."

As I'm not familiar with this age, all I can truly do is to tell you whether I can agree to your terms or not.

Hey, ladies, this is all nice and dandy, but has also lasted a good ten minutes longer than required. You're talking magical ponies, just have Mistress here complete a magically binding oath to not fuck up ponies outside of self-defense and we're golden, right? As I finished, the mares all stared at me. Apparently they'd forgotten I could 'speak'.

"Your Highnesses, I have to say that is probably the only intelligent thing I've ever heard from him."

I would be willing to do that, as well, and the spell for it is quite simple.

"This plan sounds wonderful, don't you agree sister?" Luna inquired with a smile.

"I do indeed, whenever you're ready Werda."

Brace yourself, Jack, this probably won't be pleasant.

Taking that as a warning that this was going to hurt like a motherfucker, I sit down on the floor to keep from killing myself from blunt force trauma to the head, likely on one of the many sharp marble edges that ringed the dais. Then she began to channel the magic, and it being 'unpleasant' was the understatement of the century, I could practically feel my cells being fried.

I, Werda, do swear that I will not willfully bring harm to anyone, save for in the defense of my life or the life of my vessel. And with that short phrase, the magic stopped as I continued to lay there, the smell of singed hair reaching my nostrils.

Fucking hell, that better be good enough for you two, I don't think I could take another one of those.

"Thank you Werda, it was rude of us to ask you to do that, but we have an obligation to protect our little ponies." The white alicorn said with a soft smile.

"Terribly rude, I do hope you'll forgive us." The darker alicorn added.

Your caution is commendable, though as you have noticed, there isn't much I can do right now without killing Jack.

"Thank you for looking into these matters, Princesses, but we shall take our leave now so that you may go back to your duties." Ke'mot entered the conversation again with a salute.

"Fare thee well." Luna responded, as Celestia nodded.

With a quick salute of my own, we made our way out of the throne room.

Our trip back had been rather boring, and now we were sharing tea and biscuits at Frost's place. Well, she said they were biscuits, but they were actually just sad cookies.

"So Kemo, how'd the trip go?"

"Surprisingly well. Jack didn't get us killed, and Werda cooperated with the Princesses, so a success overall."

"So she's not an evil tyrant wanting to take over Equestria?"

"Probably not. Everything is under control and I've given the damning evidence Jack found to Captain Armor, so High Arch will be taken down at some point."

"Really? That's good, but I thought you Lunar Guards did things on your own?"

"Normally, but she's got too much sway over the masses for us to do this nice and quiet. It's quite unfortunate, but the Solar Guard are better equipped for the shit that's about to go down."

So you're letting the Solar Guard do this because you can't just go kidnap her and throw her in a cell? I wrote out on my notepad, finally deciding to join the conversation.

"Yes."

"It makes sense, and they'll probably make a show of it to boost the Guard's reputation and standing with the city."

So Kemo, now that we've did our job beheading the Thieves Guild, what do we do now?

"We tell the Guard that was covering for me that he is no longer necessary, and then I go back to my usual patrol."

So everything goes back to normal for you, but what about me?

"That's for the Commandant to decide, we'll be going tomorrow morning to visit him and give our reports. Then he'll decide where he wants you next, and you might even get your pendant." The mare told me with a small smile.

And then I'll be an official Ranger, fucking sweet! I held my hand up to Frost for a high five. Sadly, she just looked at me funny. Oh come on, I know you won't call them high-fives, but you can't tell me you guys don't have this gesture?

"I have no idea what you want from me."

Bah. Just hold your hoof up, I'll show you.

She did as I asked, and I gave her a high-five. Sadly, it didn't quite turn out how I imagined it would.

"That was weird." The pierced pony told me, even though it was quite obvious to everyone involved.

Well that's a bust. Uh, fist-bump? I wrote out as I held a fist out. That one seemed to click, as she bumped it with a hoof without prompting.

"Hoof-bumps, now that makes sense."

"So now that you two are finished with that, I believe I'm going to head home. You can either come with me or stay with Frost, Jack. Just be ready at dawn to leave."

Alright Boss, I think I'll stick around and catch up with my favorite pegasus.

"With that settled, have a good evening you two." We waved goodbye as she exited the store.

"So what now?"

Cuddle and relax? I haven't truly gotten to relax in ages. I know Canterlot was probably the safest I've been since I got here, but I didn't sleep for shit the entire time I was there.

"That sounds like a great idea, let's get washed up and I'll throw an audio-book on. There's a new Daring Do one that just came out, it should be interesting."

That sounds perfect.

We'd gotten through the first record and Frost was cuddled up against me, quietly snoring her way into dreamland.

Everything seems to be going well for you.

Oh, hi there. Almost forgot about you, you haven't said anything today.

I was just contemplating about our situation, and how... Odd it is. You're a human from a different universe, and I'm an incarnation from an almost forgotten age.

Yeah, we're a hell of a pair, ain't we?

Indeed. If I can answer the question as to how to allow you to wield my magic, that would increase our power dramatically. But, alas, I fear I may never find the answer to that question, though it shall not be from a lack of effort.

I'm sure you've got this, you've got plenty of years of wisdom, and have aged like a fine wine.

While flattery will get you nowhere, it is appreciated. Now get some sleep, young one, for the sun shall rise sooner than you would like for it to.

Good night Werda.

Good night Jack

She wasn't exactly right, as it happened. It turned out Kemo realized I didn't have an alarm, or just really liked waking me up. Either way, we were up and at it by the time the sun peeked over the rim of the sky. Not that I really noticed it, I was barely awake and walking while eating a granola bar was using what little brain power I had. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because we were there before I'd gained any real coherency.

The echo from Kemo's knocks had barely faded when we heard the Commandant's distinctive voice.

"Come in, come in! A little bird told me you have quite the tale for me!" Storm Crow's exclaimed as he beckoned us in.

"You seem chipper, I don't think the tales of our exploits would excite you this much."

"Well that Guild has been a thorn in our side for some time, but I do admit that that's not the only reason." The old stallion responded as he settled into an exquisitely crafted rocking chair.

"That's a fine chair, I don't recall seeing it when we last visited."

"Just came in this morning! I'll tell you about it after you tell me about your little adventure."

And so I once again retold my visit into the church, though I let Kemo tell the parts she knew, if only for the break from writing. By the end of it, the Commandant was shaking his head in disbelief.

"So not only did you get all of the evidence you needed to cut the head off, but you found the literal Mother of Nightmares.

I am not there mother! More like their shepherd.

Ouch, inside voices please.

I think you offended her, as she thinks of it more as a shepherd sort of thing. Also, please don't offend her any more, I'll have a migraine if she keeps sqawking in there. Apparently she took offense to that, or maybe it was a stray bolt of phantom lightning that gave me a small zap.

"If the state of your hair is any indicator, I don't think you need any help on that front," Crow chuckled. "Now, as for this here fancy chair, I made a little bet with Shining Armor. I told him a group of five of my Guards could clear the new hostage rescue course faster than a platoon of his. He seemed slightly offended by that, and agreed without hesitation."

He took a drink and wiggled a bit to get just right in his chair, before continuing. "So, being the gentlestallion that I am, I let him go first. That platoon did a pretty good job, but they didn't know the layout and emptied each room to make sure they had gotten all of the hostages. They did clear it in good time, but my team had prepared a little more than them, and knew the approximate locations of hostiles and hostages, and managed to clear the course only five seconds faster than Armor's platoon."

Fucking got'em then, eh Commandant?

"'Fucking got'em' indeed, Jack!" He parroted before breaking into laughter.

"I take it the objective was only to retrieve the hostages, not to take out all of the hostiles as well?" Ke'mot asked while he was trying to stifle his mirth.

"Very astute of you, and we would have lost quite handily had the objective been to do both. Unfortunately for the Captain, he had too much pride in his soldiers to truly think the situation through. So instead of me giving him my bottle of 100 year old wine, he ended up having this chair custom-made for me."

And a very nice chair it is.

"Thank you. Then I told him that it was okay to be the sledgehammer instead of the scalpel before heading to The Full Moon to get the guys the drink they deserved. I could practically hear his eye twitching as I trotted off, and that memory shall now be a treasured one."

Catching myself from trying to give him a high-five, I give him a fist-bump to get my feelings across in an appropriate manner.

"Quite the tale indeed, it feels pretty great to remind them that they are not, in fact, the elite force of Equestria. Staying in the shadows makes our work easier, but ponies seem to forget what exactly it is we do." The mare put in, her face occupied by a smug grin. "Our mission, as you may have heard, was a complete success, and Jack pretty much completed it by himself."

"Back to business then. Report at will, Guard Ke'mot."

Kemo told my tale for me, to which my hand was grateful, and by the end of it Storm Crow was wearing a huge grin.

"And now, on to the topic of the future. Ke'mot, you will go back to Manehattan and continue your previous orders, keeping in touch with Jack as necessary if he decides to live in the city itself." Then the stallion looked me dead in the eyes. "As for you, Jack, you can either accept a Brass Moon and continue to hide from everypony that you're intelligent, though being one of three living recipients of it will garner some attention, or you can listen to what I consider to be the best path for you."

Just to make sure I understand, the Brass Moon is what you give to your exceptional humans, basically marking them out as being extra clever and reliable? Though I'm guessing they rarely part with their owner/partner for missions?

"Correct. As for my counter proposal; I would like to send you to Canterlot to take on the Lunar Guard training courses. If you can pass those, you'll be well on your way to a Bronze Moon. It'll be tough, and you'll definitely be singled out, but if you pass you'll open the doors to be truly independent."

That sounds really good, actually. But before I get too far into this, mind explaining exactly how the Lunar Guard works? You told me about the small groups that watch over the towns, but I saw some guards at the palace that I'm pretty sure were Lunar Guard as well, but were standing about like the Solar Guard. I'm also guessing all of the Guard armor has an illusion enchantment, because every one looked rather uniform.

"Good question. As it happens, the Lunar Guard is split into two divisions: The House Guard and the Night Guard. There's rarely a reason to distinguish between the two, but the House Guard protects the castle and Luna from internal threats, while the Night Guard generally protects the citizens from external threats, such as rampaging monsters, while occasionally taking care of some of the more problematic citizens."

Alright, simple enough. So do the House Guards have Silver Moons too?

"Yes, we both go through the same system. Everypony graduates with a Bronze Moon, and after either ten years of service, or an action of great valor, they're awarded the Silver Moon."

And the Brass Moon is basically the Silver Moon for humans, but humans don't get a starter moon due to being human?

"As terrible as it might sound to you, that's exactly the case. At last count, the Lunar Guard only had eight humans in its employ. Admittedly, there's only about a hundred of us, but I believe you get the point."

His offer seems like the best way to become more than a pet. It is also likely to be the most difficult path that you'll be offered on this world.

Alright, I'm agreeing with the voice in my head saying this is likely going to be the best opportunity I'm going to get while I'm here, but I would like a full list of what I'd be getting myself in to.

"Smart lad, because there is going to be a lot of effort on your part for what, to you, won't amount to much of a gain. To start off, the instructors will likely be harsher on you than the others, and it will be because you're a human, though their exact reasons may vary. Secondly, if you do earn your Bronze Moon, you won't actually be entitled to everything that it usually entails. Humans are pets here, and most ponies won't see past your race, so there's a chance you'll just end up staying out of the front lines and doing paperwork and logistics."

The stallion chuckled at the face I made at that. "We'll try and keep that from happening, then. On to the rewards, which start off with a salary that, while likely smaller than others of the same rank, should be enough for you to live comfortably. You'll also gain autonomy, and unless there's a huge outrage, I'll have you be our mobile and discreet backup. This way it should only be ponies who are apart of the Lunar Guard who know of your talents."

That seems reasonable. So go to basic training, get my Bronze Moon, and as a reward my job is to be your secret weapon? Then while I'm not doing that I get to have basic autonomy and do whatever I want within the limits of not drawing the wrong type of attention to myself?

"That about sums it up. Bit for your thoughts Ke'mot?"

Having sat quietly the whole time, the third body of our group looked between us before speaking up. "I believe he can pass training, though I'm worried about some of the older Guards. They don't like change, and this is a big one, so they might try and sabotage his training somehow. You have to admit, going from ponies straight to a human is a big leap."

Crow let out a low sigh. "You're not wrong, which is one of the reasons why I'm, personally, taking him to Canterlot and getting it all sorted out for him. So how about it Jack? Want to be the first non-pony to become a Lunar Guard through prejudice and a sergeant that'll ride you harder than the rest?"

Is this a Lady Sarge or a Dude Sarge? 'Cause the former sounds like a blast.

The collective facehoof was accompanied by a small pop from electricity sparking between my hands.

"Thanks Werda, he deserved that." Ke'mot's a mean one, and apparently Werda is too.

That was terrible, and you deserved it. Keep it up, though, and I might actually give you a real shock.

You're a brutal mistress, you know that?"

Yes, and eventually you'll learn to respect your elders.

We'll see, but the electroshock therapy is frying my brain, so unless you want your host to be a vegetable, you might want to calm down with it.

I apologize for causing you undue harm, but you do really need to work on your timing and word choice.

I'll try, but no promises, it's a part of my nature.

Please do.

"He really does just stare off into space when he's talking with her, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, it takes some time to get used to."

"So Jack, now that you're little inner monologue is done, are you going for it?"

Yeah, I think it'll be good for me, and apparently my soulmate thinks I could use a little polishing.

"Perfect, I had a feeling you'd accept. The stack of books on the kitchen table will help you get a head start, and there's plenty of daylight to burn before we leave tomorrow."

Thank you, I believe I'll do just that. And with that, I grabbed the books and left the old friends to talk, settling under a tree to start reading The Guardians of the Night.

Coat of Arms
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Coat of Arms

Author's Note

Huh, this one's about on time, I figured Pre-release would set me back an extra weekend. Anyway, likes and comments are appreciated, along with pointing out mistakes and bits that read weirdly.

Coat of Arms

Commandant Storm Crow had led me to a cavern under the Castle in Canterlot, through a twisting maze of tunnels and openings, many of which were covered in crystals of various sizes and colors. It was a quiet little hike, since I was taking in the sights and Crow was in full leadership mode, but still quite pleasant. Eventually we made it to a large cavern, and I stood near a crystal column as a few Guards talked quietly on the far side, and random other ponies milling about between us. Most of them where thestrals, but I did count three pegasi, a unicorn, and four earth ponies.

Ya'll need to think of a better name for earth ponies, because that's a stupid name. I vote we call them terrans, since it's basically the same name, but in a different language so it sounds less... mundane.

Really? That's what's going through your mind at a time like this? I'm literally in your head, and I can't make heads nor tails of how your brain processes information.

But you do have to admit I have a point.

While it may seem stupid to you, that's the name they chose for themselves, and if they're anything like their ancestors, they really don't give a damn what you think.

So yeah, I knew the other races could join, but I'm surprised there's four terrans here. If they're stronger than the ponies I'm used to, I'm going to have to find a way to heal bruises pronto, cause you ponies hit like a truck.

They are, indeed, the physically strongest of the races. But it looks like we're about to begin, so pay attention

Yes Mistress.

The group of Guards strode up to a little stage that looked like somebody buzzed the top of a giant ass stalagmite off. Once they were all situated, Crow stepped forward.

"Alright ponies, we know you're here to join the Lunar Guard, but this year's training is going to be slightly unique, and classified. So if anypony doesn't think they can keep a secret whether or not they make it through, I would like to ask you to leave. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this secret, we have conferred with the Princesses and they have agreed that anyone who breaks this vow of silence without permission from a superior will be tried for treason."

Finishing his starting statement, the stallion looked around for ponies that looked unwilling to comply. Seeing as none of them even glanced towards the exit, he continued.

"Since everypony seems determined to follow through, I'll explain what's going on. The human standing behind you, and I'm sure you've all noticed him, isn't exactly one of our humans, so to speak. All you need to know is he got into an accident with some portals and is stuck here now, for neither of the Princesses can send something back to a place they don't know where is. He's intelligent, even if he is unable to speak, though he can read and write Equestrian. On top of that, he'll be going through the training just as you are. Any questions?"

A lightly purple maned thestral spoke up immediately. "You've got to be kidding me, this human is really a state secret and is going to be training with us?"

"He is."

"And you expect us to believe he's not a normal human? I just thought he was somebody's pet runt."

The Commandant raised a brow at that, but I waved at him before I started writing.

"Turn around and look for yourself." His voice had a bit of a smile in it, almost like he knew what I was about to do.

That's because anypony with half a brain knows your about to insult this mare with as much color as you can.

Oi, McCunty, just because I'm prettier than your skank ass doesn't mean I'm stupid. Fortunately, I know a way to help you out. First, you need to find the biggest cactus you can. Then I'm going to need you to sit on it and do your best merry-go-round impression.

The mare's eyes widened as she read it, which quickly turned into a dark scowl as she understood what was said. "Why you ugly fucker! Stay there while I come and beat you to a pulp!"

"Enough!" The shout came from one of the guards up front, and I noticed it was a small unicorn mare in full armor. "If either of you take another step towards each other, I will personally beat the shit out of you, and then fail you. Is that clear?"

My new friend's eye twitched something fierce, but she went back to her original spot. "Yes Ma'am."

The angry unicorn was glaring at me, like she expected me to speak up. Wiping the board off right quick, I scribbled a response. As crystal, Ma'am.

"That's what I thought. Now, if anypony else has a problem, I shall kindly ask you to get your sorry asses out of my sight." Once again, nobody moved. "Good, now fall in behind me. Today I'll show you around. Tomorrow's your first day, and I'd hate for you to be late."

Apparently that cavern was a mood setter or something, because the rest of our tour was through an immaculately carved out military base, which ended in our dormitory. It was just one long room lined with bunk beds and trunks with an extra room full of toilets and showers. With twenty-seven of us and eighteen bunks, that meant five of us wouldn't have a bunk mate. Apparently ponies are big on the whole hierarchy thing, because as soon as our guide left, they started bickering over who was getting a bed to themselves. Looking at the lone clock on the wall that read twenty-one hundred, I set the time piece I was given to go off at five and dropped into the lower bunk nearest the door.

I wasn't going to call it an alarm, since it was basically just an egg-timer, but the Sarge said that a full rotation was an hour, and you could spin it up to twelve times. The oddest part was it was just a small wooden ball, with a visible seam and marks to show the original positioning.

Night Werda.

Sweet dreams Jack.

"Alright fillies! Up and at it!" Our Sergeant had returned, much earlier than the five in the morning I'd anticipated. Looking at the clock, it read oh-four hundred. "You've got ten minutes to get dressed and be ready at the field!"

Oddly enough, we still hadn't learned her name, but she appeared to be a dark yellow with a silver mane. For now I was rushing to get my clothes on, while the rest struggled to get into their uniforms. Unlike humans, these ponies rarely wore clothes, so the act of hastily getting them on was a struggle for most of them. In my jeans and shirt, I briskly made for the field, with the only terran male on my heels. No idea how it was the guy with no magic that got out of there so quickly, but that was another question for later.

Once we made it to the field, we stood in front of the sarge and crisply saluted. Well, his looked quite professional, while I was doing my best to imitate something I'd only ever seen. Sarge raised an eyebrow at me, but said nothing as the rest of the class scrabbled onto the field.

"Well, my little rays of sunshine, it looks like a few of you were a little late. So as a reward you'll run two laps of the perimeter. Then you'll run two more for the outbursts between Lanky and the Beast."

Holding back a groan, I start jogging along with the rest of the class. The first lap was fine, if slightly tiring. The second reminded me that I'd gotten soft during college. The final lap had me panting for breath, though I managed to not get too far behind the main body of the group.

"That was a nice warm up, report to the cafeteria for breakfast and return afterwards. Dismissed."

So we made our way to the cafeteria, which seemed to serve multi-color mush, with a side of grass. Making my way to the chair nearest the door, I started poking at the supposed 'food'.

If this kills me, I'm haunting Storm Crow.

You'll be fine. Probably.

With that confidence boost, I chomped a mouthful of mush, and holy shit it was awful. It tasted like somebody put carrots, asparagus, onions, and eggplant in a blender. With the sad realization that it wasn't going to get better, and that I was going to need the food, I wolfed it down at record speeds. Taking the platter to the used tray window, the lunch lady-mare raised an eyebrow.

"You know, it's usually the hay that's gone and vitamin rich mush that's left."

I reached for my pad, and realized I didn't have it on me. So, with a shrug for both of us I just point at it and slide my finger across my throat.

"Can't eat it? How odd, though I can't say I know anything about humans, let alone alien ones. Have a good day, dearie." And with that dismissal, I made my way back towards the field.

What a nice lady, but I still can't tell ages between 'young' and 'old as dirt' with you ponies.

I'd guess she was just entering her middling years.

That's... surprisingly generic, actually.

Everypony needs a job to eat, you know.

Just the same as everywhere else in the multiverse, it would seem.

Having reached the field, I start to properly stretch. I seemed to be about the strength of the average unicorn, which means that while I was decently strong from farm work back home, in these parts I was almost on the puny side and would need every advantage I could take.

You definitely aren't as muscled as most of the male humans we've seen here.

It's not my fault, I'm very sure they're all on 'roids.

After a few minutes Sarge showed up, and I think she gave me an approving look. Or maybe she thought I was just trying to brown-nose her, who knows what's going on in that mare's mind. Not bothering to think on it more, I finished my stretching and started walking sedately in a circle. Before long, I returned to the ranks that were being formed.

"Alright fillies, it's blatantly obvious that none of you have any real endurance, so it's time to see what you think passes for fighting. Everypony pair off with the pony to your right. Human, you're with me."

Well fuck me sideways.

I believe she intends to.

Marching forward, I squared off with the Sarge.

"Now, you're going to do your best to beat the shit out of me, and I'm going to try and not smear your ass across the entire field. Is that clear?"

A quick salute followed me getting into the closest I've got to a ready stance. The normal fighting techniques hadn't worked for shit on Kemo, so the expectation for it to work here was low. Instead, a dive took me into grappling range as I tried to work something out. The Sarge wasn't having any of that, though, and she nailed me in the sternum, staggering me.

"Really? Do you have no idea how to fight? I was hoping you would show at least some sort of promise." The mare goaded me.

A slower approach was called for, one step at a time, and timing was everything. These ponies had seen a lot of things, but they probably hadn't seen some good ol' country-boy wrestlin'. Once I was within range, she struck again, and as the hit landed, the offending leg was hugged to my chest as the dirt rushed towards my back. A slight widening of the eyes was the only surprise betrayed as we fell together, and I scrambled to lock my legs across her back.

Fuck yeah! Take that!

You forgot she's a unicorn, didn't you?

What do you mean?

The Mistress decided to let me catch on the hard way, as a nearby rock had been lifted and bashed into my skull.

Fucking hell!

The bitch definitely did a number on me, the blood already beginning to drip freely from the blow. Hoping to break her concentration, I slammed the heel of my boot into what I hoped was her kidneys. The rock clattered to the ground, so apparently something had been hit. Grunting, the Sarge magicked the rock back up, but instead of kicking her again, I tried something a little more desperate. With her concentration split, I leaned forward so I could lock her leg under my arm while reaching for her horn. I did get a hold of it, which was good. The bad part was that the rock was already flying at me by the time I managed it, this time taking the hit on my cheek. The mare flexed a few times to see how secure my hold was, before speaking up.

"Well what would you know, the human might be able to defend himself from a rampaging puppy." And with that lovely praise, her horn burned brightly and she appeared standing two feet away. "But that's not really going to help against anypony that can actually fight, now will it? Now go run eight laps for that pitiful excuse of a fight!"

With a salute, I began my trek around the perimeter, trying to set a pace that wasn't slow enough to earn more laps.

You know, I think she might actually like you.

Really? I'm having a hard time seeing it, though it may just be the concussion.

I was wondering if your sight was supposed to be like that, but she could have just teleported out of your hold, but instead decided to test your reflexes and ability to adapt. If she hated you she probably would have just teleported above you and pinned you to the ground.

I guess that's one way to look at it.

By the time the laps were done, I was just barely able to get myself a bowl of food from the mess. This time the mush was a more earthy color and tasted like somebody had thrown potato peels into the blender with the rest, which increased the tastiness of it by about nothing.

After scarfing it down and successfully not throwing it back up, I made my way back to the dorm. Looking in, I realized every one else was just about to hit the hay, so I grabbed a quick shower and followed their example, setting my alarm for three forty-five, just to be safe.

This is going to be a long six months, isn't it?

Just improve at a rate faster than the increase in workload and you'll be fine.

How logical, Mistress. Night.

Good night.

Boom! Headshot!
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Boom! Headshot!

It'd been three months since the start of training, and the ranks of fellow hopefuls had been decimated. Along with myself, there was two terrans, all three pegasi, and the unicorn along with eight of the thestrals. Drill Sergeant Peppersmoke had us in top physical condition, and after the first two weeks we had begun classes in combat, tactics, and the intricacies of the laws we were to uphold.

Sitting off to the side during one of the five minute breaks Sarge gave us, my favorite duo arrived. The mare that'd been vehemently opposed to me being here from the start was surprisingly just as vehement now. Her friend, on the other hand, was a darker shade than she was, and didn't appear to actually give a damn. Not that I expected her to be on my side if fists started flying.

"Tired little human? You should just do us all a favorite and go back to your pen so the Sergeant can actually challenge us without worrying about killing you. After all, nopony wants to get in the way of the Commandant's little project, even if it is stupid."

Without my board, which broke about two months ago during a surprise obstacle course run, I was short on ways to reply eloquently, so I flipped her the bird as I got up and started walking back to the gathering point.

"You and your creepy finger bullshit again, maybe I should break them for you." The mare sweetly told my retreating form.

You're holding your anger surprisingly well, though I'm not sure if it is good for your well-being.

It's not, but I'm not going to win two against one. I also don't want to hurt her friend, who's only current sin is having a shitty taste friends.

You're worried about her friend when you don't even think you could win the fight?

I said I couldn't win the fight, I never said I'd take a beating laying down.

"Alright maggots! Time for another run through The Grinder, and the two out last have to run it again, and the one who loses that gets kitchen duty for the next week!" Peppersmoke's rough voice ended our conversation as I scrambled towards the course.

"So can anypony tell me why Captain Barrier's defense against the horde of minotaurs was successful?" Lieutenant Shard asked us.

"It's because he had the earth ponies construct tunnels underneath the battlefield before they arrived, and then used them for night attacks during the siege, and to close the pincer maneuver during the final battle." The terran mare replied, Cherry Snap if I remembered correctly.

"Exactly. The newly built town of Baltimare would have been overrun if not for his brilliant and unorthodox battle plan. Now that we know of the battle where the soon to be Captain earned his first Medal of Valor, we'll learn of his next major victory against the Gryphon Legion."

"Alright ponies, you're not maggots any more, but you're sure as hell not Lunar Guards yet. So instead of running you through The Grinder again today, I thought I'd let you know we're going to take a hike tomorrow."

"Yes Ma'am!" Was the group response.

"Good. We leave out in the morning, go get packed." And with that we scrambled to gather all of the supplies we needed.

I got a feeling about this one, and if this hike is anything less than 20 miles I'll be surprised.

I'm sure it's just going to be a nice and relaxing hike through the Whitetail Woods.

And I'm the Mad Hatter.

That's the spirit!

The next day we waited outside of the caves, and the early morning sun was blinding after being underground for so long. The thestral's had their eyes screwed shut and were muttering about something off to the side, probably variations of the same curses I was throwing Celestia's way. The clattering of wheels got our attention and a small fleet of carriages stopped in front of us.

"Alright, load up ponies, we're in for a long ride!" Peppersmoke yelled at us as she stepped into the lead carriage.

The carriages lifted off and we flew past a small town and into a rather dark looking forest, and I hadn't missed the looks of trepidation on our remaining non-threstral ponies.

This is a fucking haunted forest of monsters, isn't it?

That's one way to describe the Everfree Forest. You've got the basics of the forest, but you forgot about the wild magic and weather that also plagues it.

Fucking wonderful, I'm starting to wish I had a real knife.

You have three standard issue knives on you.

And they're all toothpicks. Seriously, who makes the standard issue knife for your army anything less than eight inches long?

I am not well versed in the martial combats, so I have no idea how or why that's important.

"Alright everypony! Each carriage is going to drop in a different spot, and all you have to do is make it to Ponyville within the week. If you don't think you're up to it, the carriages will take you back and you will be immediately dropped. Best of luck and don't die!" Sarge yelled to us before the carriages broke away from each other and started to find places to land.

The carriage landed in the forest, and I hopped out along with the two terrans that had occupied it with me.

"I don't suppose either of you brought a map, did you?" The male, Solid Strike, asked us.

"There isn't one for the Everfree, they all just show the surrounding area." Cherry Snap answered, while I shook my head.

"In that case, I say we just head east, and we'll hit the edge of the forest eventually."

"Probably the best way to go about it."

The ponies pulled out their compasses and started marching east, trusting me to follow. The dark forest clawed at us with bare branches and thorns as we made our way, but nothing jumped us for hours as we walked and dusk approached. Without a trail the undergrowth hampered our speed, but we seemed to be making pretty good time as we chanced upon a clearing. It wasn't big, roughly twenty feet across with soft grass and some flowers. Speeding up, I tap Solid on the back as I work my slate out of my pocket.

"Yeah Jack?"

I think we should set up camp here, it'll be harder for something to sneak up right on top of us.

"That's not a bad point, watcha think Cherry?"

"Sounds better than walking through the Everfree at night. I'll check the perimeter and grab some wood with Jack, dig up a fire pit for me Solid."

"Yes Ma'am." The stallion replied with a crisp salute.

Shrugging our packs off, we began our walk as Solid went to work. The walk wasn't a long one, and we chanced upon a split limb that would serve us well throughout the night when combined with larger sticks we'd found. Solid had worked quickly on the camp, as he had made a pit and set up his and Cherry's tents.

"Good job. Grab a bite and get some sleep." The mare told as as she began piling kindling into the pit. "I'll wake Jack up for second watch, and then you can take third."

Nodding our agreement, we ate in silence before Solid went to his tent. Looking to the sky, I took a chance and just rolled my pack out. The forest might have been a little on the creepy side, but the view through the opening in the canopy was gorgeous. Smiling contentedly, I decided to talk to his favorite voice in my head.

So how've you been?

I've been doing quite well, and I believe I'll be able to acquire a body of my own once your training is over.

Really? Fucking sweet! Not that I mind having you in my head, but I'm glad that you'll gain some actual freedom.

It will be nice to feel again.

You know, I just realized we don't actually talk that much.

I believe it's because we don't have much in common, I'm an ancient and powerful being while you're a young stallion.

That's true, the thought just struck me as weird.

Weird is one way to describe our relationship.

My mind was filled with our laughter as I got comfortable and drifted off to the land of dreams.

As we were walking among the trees the second day, Cherry stopped and sniffed the air, her ears flicking back and forth at high alert.

"We're not alone, eyes open everypony." She whispered.

Pulling out our weapons, we slowly walked forward. Cherry had a shortsword, while Solid had a rather large hammer. Looking down at my sadly small knife, I swap it to my left hand as I grab my hatchet instead. Treading carefully, we continue through the forest as a quiet rustling begins to surround us. It sounded a lot like wind blowing through the trees, but this deep in the forest there was no wind. Fortunately, we didn't have to wait long. When the hunters realized they'd lost the element of surprise, they sprung from behind trees all around us.

"Timberwolves!" Solid helpfully yelled out in warning as at least ten of the creatures jumped out at us.

Solid and Cherry immediately began to guard each other's back, leaving me in a bit of bind as I backed up to a tree as three of the beasts ended up in front of me.

I'm going to have to have a serious chat with whoever the fuck's in charge of this world. I don't mind the occasional pun-fest, but timberwolves that are literally made of timber? This is some fucking bullshit.

You should be more worried about them wanting to eviscerate you than about what they're called.

My reply was cut short as one lunged at me, only for it's face to become acquainted with my hatchet. Hopping back with a snarl, it growled at me through the blood-sap dripping from the gash in its muzzle. The other two, meanwhile, had flanked my sides. Cherry let out a triumphant shout, which distracted the wolves for the split second I needed to stab at the one to my left, making a neat little hole just below it's nose.

Once again paying attention to me, the snarling trio began to stalk closer. Looking about in desperation, I realized my only chance was up. With a jump, I barely manage to clamber up the limb, glad that the leather of my boot was up to the task of repelling the snapping maws. With the wolves pacing below me, I had the chance to see how the terrans were doing. They'd drifted further away, but only four of the initial seven wolves surrounded them.

The unharmed wolf turned to help take out the ponies, which was a bad idea as I still had two extra knives in my boots, so wasted no time in throwing the one in my hand into it's back. It didn't quite land center, but it sunk up to the guard, and the wolf howled it's pain before scampering off. Reaching for one of the spares, I take aim and throw it at the wolf directly below me, though it was dodged with contemptuous ease.

Looking back at the ponies, Solid shattered another of the enemies, his war hammer annihilating the beast in a shower of detritus. This time, the wolf I'd poked began to walk away, keeping an eye on me as it went to help it's pack against the obviously stronger foes. By this point the other injured wolf had returned and the odds had evened out, two wounded versus an unarmored opponent up a tree.

Alright, time to put my plan into action!

It's a stupid and reckless plan. You know that, right?

She didn't even get to finish calling me an idiot before I jumped off my branch, aiming to land on the foe below me. It turns out the sticks weren't just an aesthetic thing, the damn things were literally made of them. So while the creature was thoroughly crushed under my bulk, a few sticks still managed to scrape and stab at me. Growling from the pain, my eyes lock with the remaining wolf. And then it's shattered into oblivion as a warhammer sails through it and leaves a sizable dent
in the tree behind it.

"Good job team. Solid, Jack, any injuries?" Cherry asks, the smile on her face at odds with the directness of her leading style.

"Couple scratches and a bite on my shoulder that probably needs looking at." Solid replied as he retrieved his hammer.

Holding up a hand, I begin looking to see if anything actually got me. Got a nasty looking gash on my ribs, the rest aren't worth messing with.

"Alright. Keep an eye open Jack, I'm going to patch Solid up first." I give her a quick salute as I begin to patrol the perimeter.

The third day had been unnaturally quiet, and we were on edge the entire time, waiting to be ambushed. Nothing came as we slept during the night, and during the fourth morning's breakfast Cherry informed us we should be nearing the edge of the Everfree, though without knowing our exact location we might end up in the Whitetail. Some kind of insects were buzzing about, which helped take the edge off from yesterday's silence as we trudged along, hoping against hope that the wolves would be the biggest challenge we had to face.

As we ate a late lunch, the sound of the underbrush being trampled caught our attention. It sounded big, and anything confident enough to crash around like that was bad news. The ponies immediately jump up and grab their weapons, their ears swivelling towards the sound.

"Solid, on me. Jack, climb that tree and try and get a drop on it."

Apparently taking the role of ambush predator, I climb up to one of the lower sets of branches. Not too long after, the reason as to why the creature didn't care about making noise became obvious, as it was a chimera. Ferocious lion head, goat body, and a fucking rattlesnake growing out it's ass.

The fuck is wrong with this place? Most of the ponies seem to be fucking hippies while they've got these ugly fuckers roaming about.

Calm yourself, you need to focus on not being killed. Preferably while keeping those two alive.

The monster spotted the ponies and roared out a challenge, with it's tail hissing one of it's own as well. Without further warning, it charged at a speed that such a large creature should not move at. Seeing as it was coming my way, I dropped down, hoping to catch it off guard. A small gash from my hatchet was all I managed, and now I was staring down a giant snake with some hooves as backup. I'd been kicked more than enough to be wary of anything to do with the rear hooves of an animal. The snake curled up in a hissing pile of nope, then lunged at me with blinding speed.

While it's attack was obvious, it was still too fast and instead of hitting it with the hatchet, it was ripped from my hand as the serpent bit down on it. Pulling a spare knife out of my boot, I keep my eyes locked on it, because at this point I'm hoping to just distract it long enough for the ponies to take care of the front half.

If you have a suggestion, I'm all ears.

Unfortunately, any magic I could use to kill it would kill you. If you are truly desperate, I could try and spark the chaos magic inside of you.

And what exactly would that do? I ask as the snake lunges, forcing an ungraceful dive to the side.

I have no idea, it's chaos magic.

Fuck it, poke it real good.

She doesn't reply as she prods the lump of chaos. For a moment, I felt an intense heat well up inside of me, and before a scream could escape the snake surged towards me again. Except it never made contact as I exploded just as it's maw wrapped around me, adding to the bits of red flying everywhere.

"JACK!" Cherry screams as she surges towards the lion head, slashing and hacking in pure rage.

Not to be outdone, Solid also increased the fervor of his attacks. Between the two furious ponies in front of it, and its tail being shredded the beast was overwhelmed. Roaring in pain and anger, the beast pounded a trail deeper into the forest.

"Oh Celestia, Jack, what happened to you?" The mare was in a near panic state as she looked around and saw the gore.

Both of the ponies were turning a sickly shade as a glow surrounds the area, revealing all of the details. Forming the shape of a human, some of the surroundings slowly flow to it, filling it in to the horror of the two ponies watching. Before long my body had recollected itself, and I was laying there in a daze as my brain tried to process my out-of-body experience and death.

The first thing that flows into my ear is a... concerned sounding whinny? Looking over at Cherry, she neighs while looking confused.

"Well this is bullshit, and how the hell am I still alive?"

My companions are staring at me slack-jawed, not completely sure they believe anything that's happened so far.

Well that was certainly unexpected.

"Which bit Werda, the part where I exploded, or the part where I'm alive?"

Both, and also the part where you're talking.

"Well that's nice, but why are they looking at me like I've grown an extra head and a tail?"

Because you're not speaking Equuish, the only reason I can understand you is because I'm literally in your head.

"Fuck."

Oh, and you're also naked, thought you might want to know.

"Fucking hell." I grumble as I begin searching around for my things while the ponies try and recover their wits. By the time they'd managed it I'd managed to scavenge enough material to make the world's worst kilt and the combat knife, which had embedded itself three inches deep into the nearest tree.

Cherry said something, and it was all horse noises. Solid apparently replied, but more horse noises.

"Well, you can understand them, right? The hell are they saying?" My question is met with more horse noises, which is starting to get old considering I could understand them not ten minutes ago.

They're rather confused, they just thought you were a science experiment, and now they realize you're an alien. The conversation isn't really going anywhere, just a bunch of hysteria about what an alien is doing on Equestria.

"That's reassuring, I don't suppose there's a way to bridge the language barrier? "

No, since I'm now certain the knot of chaos magic that was within you was responsible for your ability to communicate. The magic is still apart of you, but now it's spread throughout your entire body.

"So the magic's diluted, which means all the enchantment bullshit's fucked?"

That's a crude way to put it, but yes.

"Alright then, guess we better hurry up and get back so that we can figure something out." I turned and waved at the mildly panicking ponies. "Come on, let's get this over with."

While confused at first, once I started walking they figured out and Cherry lead the way. Surprisingly, the attack happened within a two hour walk of the edge of the forest, which didn't seem very far in to me, but apparently the Everfree's all evil monsters and chaos. The hour after that we were getting checked out by the doctors in Ponyville's Royal Guard facility, and much to my displeasure it became apparent they hadn't been briefed on me. The bastards kept whinnying at me after every test, and then placed me in solitary confinement after I told them I'd shove my foot up their ass if they tried to stick me with the gigantic needle one of the nurses pulled out. Fortunately Cherry had my back and kept them from trying anything, so I managed to get some shuteye before whatever was coming tomorrow.

The next morning saw the arrival of Sarge, who snorted rather aggressively when the others stopped telling her what happened, but she motioned for the three of us to follow. Outside we loaded into the awaiting chariot and the team headed towards the giant castle in the distance.

So, any idea what's going on?

From what I've heard, he Commandant has asked the Princess to get a translation spell working for you.

That's kind of him, I hope it works.

The return to Canterlot had been rather quiet, all things considered, and they apparently wanted me to stay out of sight of the general populace until further notice. So while the wait continued, I had the run of the castle and opulent room to seclude myself in. After getting lost the first day and not even being able to communicate, or even read, the room was looking quite cozy. And with nothing to do it was also very boring. Fortunately a knock on the door brushed away the boredom and Princess Luna walked in with Crow trailing behind her.

A few whinny-grunt-neighs came from Luna, which Werda helpfully translated.

They're actually at a dead end, and are hoping that I can actually understand you, because if not then the spell is worthless. All of the normal attempts at translation is worthless, of course, the difference in speech between you and our world is just too much.

Nodding, I give Luna a thumbs up, which hopefully means the same thing over here. With a declaration, she begins channeling magic through her horn, waiting a few minutes until the shine of it is casting our shadows against the wall. The lance of blue magic burns on impact, and a migraine sets in without a hint of warning. Once the magic finally dissipates, I look curiously at the two ponies.

"Well, did it work?" My mouth's dry, but the words manage to tumble out.

"Shouldn't we be able to understand him, Your Highness?"

"We should indeed, Commandant. This is most discouraging."

So they can't understand you, that's an interesting development. Huffing at Werda's remark, I stalk over to the desk and grab my pen and pad, much to the ponies confusion.

I can understand you.

"It would seem that we've managed to at least return everything to status-quo, excellent work Princess Luna."

"Thank you, though I was sure it would translate his speech as well." Luna turned towards the door, "Fare thee well, unfortunately I have other matters to which I must attend."

We both saluted as she left the room, before looking back to each other.

So what now?

"Just stay here for now, since training won't resume until Monday."

Alright. Thanks for this Storm.

"Anything for a friend, Jack. Though, I also have a mountain of paperwork to do, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go start a fire."

And with that, I was alone. With nothing better to do, and the silent singing of sirens serenading me, I collapse unto the exquisitely comfortable bed. Then, a stray thought hits me.

"Wait, what day is it?"

Author's Note

Well holy fuckballs I couldn't really get the ball rolling to write this one to save my life. I blame video games. As it happens, we're getting close to the end, only another chapter or so. After that, I may write a few journal entries, we'll see how it goes.

The Final Stretch
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Final Stretch

The excitement from our little jaunt in the Everfree had died down, along with knocking our trainee count down to seven. Not that the resident bitch had the grace to drop out, and as she passed me in the mess, she just happened to knock me off balance.

"Oh, sorry about that. Here, let me help you." Comet Streak exclaimed, her voice sickeningly sweet.

"Fuck off."

"That's the spirit, you adorable little human!" Was her reply as she picked everything up and tried to subtly drop something into my drink. "Here you go, have a nice day."

I don't suppose you know what she's trying to slip me, do you?

I'm not sure, I didn't get a good look.

Well then, let's find out.

Don't be... She didn't have a chance to finish, as I took a small sip of my water.

Why the fuck is she putting salt and sugar in my drink?

So that you'll be drunk and out of sorts during training later.

You can get drunk off salt and sugar?

I think the sugar was to hide the taste, but salt is a mild intoxicant.

Noticing the bitch herself glancing at me, I took another swig, and I could see the shine in her eyes from across the room.

She really is a fucking moron. But, as it stands, I believe I can turn this to my advantage.

"Today's going to be a special day for you recruits, because not only am I going to run you into the ground, but some of the weapon experts from the Guard have come to start advanced lessons for your preferred weapons." We all stood still at the noise, as we'd been trained, but the excitement was palpable as a weapons rack was wheeled out, full to bursting with an assortment of wooden weapons. "So while the other instructors watch, you lot are going to beat the shit out of each other with some training weapons in a nice little free for all. You have five minutes to choose your weapon."

The other recruits scrambled towards the rack, and someone had the presence of mind to actually make sure everyone had a copy of their preferred beatstick. Which left me to figure out which one I wanted, out of the small variety that was left. There were swords and polearms of various kinds, though none of them felt right in my hands, so in the end I picked up a staff. The thing was only about four feet long, but without any previous martial arts training it's not like it was going to be used as intended anyway.

As we scattered away from the rack, we heard a shrill whistle start the fight. In a complete and utter twist that no one would ever see coming, McBitchTits and her friend made a beeline for me, both of them bearing wingblades. Comet reached me first, trying to overwhelm me with a flurry of slashes as Deft Ward circled around to flank me. The onslaught was dizzying, but I always managed to get the stick between me and her strikes, even if my defense was starting to look like a bad imitation of a propeller. As my defense continued to hold, her glare hardened.

I believe she's figured out that you are not drunk.

Eyup

Noticing that Deft was almost upon me, I dove straight at Comet. The ensuing tangle of limbs wasn't pretty and she almost threw me off at one point, but leverage was on my side my arms wrap around her throat. Keeping the wingblades in mind, the staff was soon placed above her wing joints, protecting my arms. Or, at least, that was idea. Ignoring the staff, she swung at me, hitting with enough force that the bruising started seconds after contact. More importantly, the leverage and the force behind the swing caused her wing to come out of it's socket with a sickening pop that caused her to start screaming bloody murder.

"Jack, Comet! You're both out! Medic!" Peppersmoke yelled, and a medic appeared from somewhere and was helping out Comet. "Ten laps for both of you this evening!"

The mare continued watching the other recruits, grumbling something about stupid recruits. My contemplation as to what to do next was interrupted by a one of the trainers approaching me. He kind of looked like a zebra that had dyed the white parts of its coat a light grey, only some of which was visible through his armor.

"I must say, while you did okay against your opponent, your form with a staff is horrendous." The stallion told me with a smile.

Laughing, I snag my chalkboard from a pocket. That's because I had no idea what the fuck I was doing. I'm normally more of a brawler type, but my gauntlets haven't come in yet, so I picked the only weapon that was almost sized for me.

"You were going to try and use it as a sword, weren't you?"

Got it in one, but figured I'd just go with the flow since both of them were coming.

"Do you wish to learn to use the staff? The reach advantage you would have with a staff sized for you would be quite impressive."

No thanks, an armored human with a staff would draw less attention as one with a sword, but still more than just an armored human. Thanks for the offer though! And the name's Jack. I finish scribbling and hold a fist out.

"Not a problem Jack, and I'm Kayle. Nice to meet you, though since my expertise doesn't appear to be needed today, I'm going to go finish up my latest project." He replied as he bumped the offered fist with a hoof. "Have a nice day, I'll likely see you at some point in the future."

Giving a farewell wave as he walked away, my attention was drawn back to the racket from wooden weapons smashing into each other. In the end, the last two ponies standing were Cherry Snap and Deft Ward. The battle was fierce, wind singing off of their blades as they pried at the other's defenses. Jabs, slashes, backhands, parries, ripostes, and more techniques I didn't have a name for were used. The fighting may have gone on for another hour, but a quick flick of her sword moved both weapons out of effective range. Instead of retreating and putting the match back at parity, the quick-witted terran slammed her head forward into the thestral's face, knocking the already off-balanced mare to the ground with a grunt of pain.

"Good job on the win Cherry." Peppersmoke told the mare, "Most of you put up a good fight, so now a trainer shall come and tell you what you need to improve on. After you're done with that, you're done till tomorrow. Dismissed!"

I was still off to the side as the trainers all went to their prospective students when a familiar voice called out.

"So you haven't dropped out or died yet, good job."

"And you're sense of humor is as lovely as ever Kemo."

That was met with an eyebrow doing it's damnedest to disappear into her mane. "So you can talk now? You should probably work on your Equestrian, though, since it currently sounds like you're doing rude things to the pet dog."

And you guys sound like horses, which was rather obvious in hindsight. But yeah, I had a mild accident that fucked with the chaos magic, so now I can speak, but you guys sound like horses. The Princess has a pendant for me until a better translation solution comes up. Though I'm still not sure how you can read English.

"It just looks like our runic alphabet to me. It's been slowly falling out of favor over the last century or so, but most can still read it."

To be completely honest, the random little perks like that are likely the chaos magic in effect, so the less you think about it, the better it should work.

The voice in my head says to ignore it, and it hasn't lead me astray yet.

"Yeah, I read the report about your cherry-bomb impersonation."

Low blow Lady, low blow.

"So how's the combat training going?" The mare gracefully changed the subject.

Well, I'm learning how you ponies fight. The difference in strength is a pain in the ass, but I'm working on it.

"You did say you grew up on a farm right?"

It was more of a ranch. Why?

The mare's next words worked their way through a smirk. "I'm just curious how a stallion raised on farm work would have trouble being stronger than non-earth ponies. Are your humans just that weak?"

That time of the month, huh? You need to get laid.

We glared daggers at each other for a full beat, before I ruined it by laughing. The tinkling laughter coming from the pony confirmed that she'd lost it as well. Once the laughter calmed down, a hoof struck my shoulder.

"I have to admit that I've grown to miss your impudence. It's a nice change of pace from the frightened stammering and prayers against evil."

Evil? I know some of you ponies are just as fucked in the head as some humans, but you're all fucking adorable. Which makes it hilarious when random ponies try to 'entice' me. The only thing that's managed sultry so far was Rose, and I'm pretty sure she was cheating.

"So your criteria for sleeping with a mare is 'not ugly'?"

I mean, at first that's pretty much it. I've been blessed with the chance to follow in Captain Kirk's footsteps, and I'm not going to let him down!

"Captain Kirk? Dare I even ask?"

You just did! He's the captain of space ship from an old tv show who had a habit of fucking just about any alien that'd let him. Of course, as a show it was only implied, but the point still stands.

"You humans are fucking weird, you know that?"

I think I'd forgotten since the last time you reminded me.

"Then you're welcome for reminding you." Pausing to look at a nearby clock, she sighed. "Sadly, I believe I've run out of time."

An almost imperceptible squeak came from the bundle of soft that I had suddenly wrapped my arms around.

"Take care, Kemo."

"You know I can't understand you, but look after yourself."

Sitting her back down, I gave a nod as we parted ways once again.

"Alright everypony, you've finally managed to get passed the hard part. The six of you have managed to pass against all odds. This last month will just be polishing and learning your roles during ceremonies. Dismissed."

Standing along with me were Solid Strike, Cherry Snap, Deft Ward, Comet Streak, and the light blue unicorn who's named turned out to be Skylight. At the dismissal, the group made our way back to the barracks. After a quick shower to wash away the sweat and grime, I began a quest for something greasy and fried.

While at first the place had seemed to be nothing more than a Lunar Guard bastion, it was really a thriving little town that was connected to Canterlot by elevators. We had come back through them after our Everfree training, and the contrast between going in and coming out was rather dramatic. Above were mostly unicorns, with terrans and pegasi making up the rest, though definitely the minority. Below, on the other hand, was a menagerie of species.

Why were you even surprised? I'm sure you had seen these species before.

But not in these kinds of numbers, and minotaurs are fucking huge.

Just don't insult them, their family, or their fighting spirit.

Can I make fun of the pink one?

You could, yes. You'll also get the choice between beheading or hanging.

That feels like a bit much for asking if you can milk them for strawberry milk.

Why... What..? I swear I'll never understand how mortal's minds work.

If it makes you feel better, most of us don't either. People with Psych degrees have a tendency to not go anywhere.

I'm just going to take a break from your personal brand of insanity, I think there's some college students sleeping who's minds I haven't scoured.

Oh, have fun with that. I think? That doesn't sound like something a person with any morality would do.

The mare didn't answer, so apparently she was already gone. On the bright side, the smell of something deep fried in grease was wafting it's way toward me. A rumbling growl echoed from my belly and the hunt was on. Every nook and cranny was searched, even a few residential houses were accidentally trod upon in the search for the amazing smell, much to the owner's dismay. One lady even had the gall to scream, then proceed to chase me from the property with a broom! Ears ringing from sonic assault of the thestral lady earlier, the goal began to take the shape of a small bar packed down an alley between two run down buildings.

The only identification was a sign above the door showing a simple tankard and the building number across the aged wooden door. With the sound of well oiled hinges, the the single room came into view, filled with mismatched chairs and tables, with a small stage in the back corner and the bar stretching across the rest of the back wall. A few ponies were about, mostly keeping to themselves and eating on the food that was creating the most beautiful aroma. Behind the bar, however, was a grizzled looking gryphon, and upon a closer scrutiny there was another pair near the bar, along with a minotaur.

"Here for Peppersmoke's food, are you?" The barkeep had noticed me, and was waving me over. "Now be a good boy and take this to her, she gets all pissy if her food shows up cold."

The gryphon's voice was deep and gravelly, and he sounded like he was ordering a pet to roll over. Figuring he wasn't particularly malicious, but unaware of the special little snowflake that I am, I took the bag and walked away. I'd have to come back and get myself something at some point. Maybe order a steak, since I've heard gryphons were omnivores too.

The walk back involved dodging foals trying to climb up me while ignoring their parents and making sure the Sarge's food wasn't poisoned. There was a variety of deep fried vegetables, including brussel sprouts of all things. A few of the guards gave me an odd look as I started into the training compound, but didn't stay distracted for long as the quest for Peppersmoke's quarters began. Stopping the nearest guard, I pull out my notepad and scrawl a question.

Can you point me to wherever Sgt. Peppersmoke is? Apparently I have her dinner.

"Her office is over in the administration building. Leave from the front door and walk right, you'll run right into it. The room you're looking for will be down the first hall on your left, and about halfway down you'll see the door with her name on it."

Thanks, have a good one.

Like most of the compound, the administration building wasn't a work of art to write home about. The only hints of decoration was the dark blue walls that appeared to have soft stars scattered on them, though they were so faint that they had to be consciously looked for, but everything else about it was absolutely spartan. Off to the left was the hallway the guard mentioned, and further along the office with a brass plaque that I swiftly knock on.

"Come in."

Opening the door, I swiftly sit her food with a flourish. Taking a step back, I give a bow while trying to hide the shit eating grin I'm wearing.

"Bon apetit, Madam."

The Mare just huffs as she starts pulling the food out. Looking the order over, her eyes suddenly snap to me with a piercing gaze. "I'm missing one of everything, and two fries. If I don't hear a good reason your ass is going to be running laps until you puke it up!"

I was making sure it wasn't poisoned?

"Wrong answer, bucko. Try again."

I had to make sure it was up to your standard.

The glare somehow became even more piercing, and cold enough to freeze a Canadian's balls off.

Delivery fee, considering I was sidetracked from acquiring my own supper to deliver yours.

"That is... acceptable. Next time, make the old bird cook you something up instead, or I will run you ragged."

Yes Ma'am. I do have to ask though, what the hell's up with the deep fried brussel sprouts? That shit ain't right, and I'm from a place where they deep fry ice cream.

"They taste good, why else?"

If you say so sarge. Need me for anything else?

"No, go along and stay out of trouble, if I hear you've been terrorizing the neighborhood I shall be high displeased with you."

Does prior engagements count for this? I think I might have startled some poor mare while tracking down that bar.

The mare gave a sigh. "What did you do?"

I thought I was taking a shortcut, but it kind of ended up being her kitchen.

"In that case you're not allowed back outside until I say otherwise, now leave me in peace." Saluting smartly, I made my way out of the door.

The trip to the mess was rather boring after the day's events, but it was winding down and the nice mares managed to sneak me something edible. With a full belly I trudge my way back to my bed, aiming to get some extra sleep to help against whatever the sarge has planned for tomorrow.

Author's Note

I've realized I have a tendency to write three-part sentences, which is not only kind of weird when I think about it, but I have no idea why. Also, holy fuck guys I'm terrible at this, I kept getting stuck and didn't have the willpower to struggle through most nights. In my usual fashion, I've managed to write most of this chapter over the last couple of days while feeling tired, which somehow makes writing easier...

Thanks for coming along this far! Feel free to point out any errors or inconsistencies I may have missed due to self editing.

The Day and The Night
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Day and The Night

Author's Note

Well fuck, apparently I was in a productive and a writing mood the last few days, so have some filler while you wait for the rest!

The Day and The Night

This is it, Werda. After today I'll officially be a Lunar Guard.

Quite an accomplishment, though has anypony figured out how exactly you're supposed to actually wield your newly found authority since the citizenry consider you an extremely well trained pet?

Nope.

Well I'm certain that this will all end splendidly.

Someone piss in your Cheerios? You're sounding a little sarcastic today.

It just bugs me that the two most powerful ponies in the world have such terrible foresight. The Nightmare Moon incident has started to make more sense the more I've studied.

That's all above my head, at this point I'm just going with whatever flow allows me to keep my balls.

Do you really think they'd allow you to be neutered?

Nope. But I also don't want to risk it.

You're incorrigible.

Eyup.

A deafening applause interrupted the conversation we were having backstage as the ceremony finally ended. I'd asked, and been granted, permission to skip the main ceremony. They'd seemed rather relieved, probably due to not wanting to explain me to the masses, though the Night Guard ceremonies were apparently much smaller in scale than the Solar Guard's. It probably had something to do with only have a handful of new recruits each year.

The newly minted Guards and our specific deity of all things lunar related walked back behind the curtain. The few senior Guards that were around rounded the group out, and Luna gave us our first commands.

"You are officially one of our own, young ponies and human, and so we shall celebrate the newest additions to our family tonight!" And with that admittedly vague statement, she charged up her horn and we were all swept away to a bar I had become quite familiar with.

"I appreciate your business, Princess, but you really do need to give me some warning. I'm pretty sure ol' Tusk over there's having a heart attack." The gyphon behind the bar, known simply as Tyr, remarked with a small bow.

"Nonsense. Everypony down here knows what today is."

"Everyone, Princess." I point out, holding up my board that I'd hastily scrawled the word on.

"Does anypony become offended when you call a group 'the guys', even though some are, in fact, female?"

"You're not wrong, but it is kinda racist." Tyr added.

"You're saying that I'm Racist? Princess Luna of the Night Sky? Racist? Is that any way to talk to your Princess, my good sir?" Luna retorted haughtily. The newest Guards had tensed up, while the others had seen similar scenes between the two before, and were already raiding the bar.

"Probably not, but I'm too old to care, since I don't have eternal youth to stave the Reaper off."

The princess glared at the gryphon, who just stared back at her while cleaning a mug. Finally, when the tension was thick enough to cut with a knife, the princess let out a full-bellied laugh which was followed by the barking laughter of the gryphon. "This is why I always choose your establishment, Tyr. It's amazing how many barkeeps in this day and age forget that they are the lords of their domains within their walls.

"The pleasure is mine, Princess. Nights were the patrons always pay for both the drinks and the property damage by sunrise are the treasures of barkeeps everywhere."

"I'm glad you appreciate my gold so much." The Princess replied with a roll of a her eyes. "Everypony, cut loose! The Treasury is paying for tonight's celebration!"

With a loud cheer at the proclamation, the party began. Favorite drinks were ordered, kegs were brought up from the cellar, and a jukebox was acquired. Where the jukebox was from, I have no idea, I just knew it was one of the old school vinyl ones and absolutely massive. The regulars mingled with the guards and the dull roar of the crowd talking was punctuated by the eclectic mix of music that played in the background. I managed to not draw too much attention until the Grand Bat of Bitchiness got drunk enough to start talking about me.

"I'm still not sure where they managed to find that bastard son of a minotaur and a monkey, but he somehow managed to get this far, so I guess he's not that bad." The mare stated with a hiccup.

"He's definitely a scrappy one." Deft added in agreement.

Agreeing with an exaggerated nod, Comet Streak noticed me in the corner. "Heeeeey! Jaaack! Come over here and share a drink!"

The fuck did they spike that mare's drink with?

Who knows, this could be an opportunity to get her off your back though.

Welp, here goes nothing.

The sound of scraping and a greetings meet me as I make my way over.

"Take a seat big boy! Plenty of booze to go around!" The definitely very drunk mare says three feet to my left.

Is she drinking something I'd use to clean grease off an engine or did she just start chugging as soon as we got here? Pointing it at Deft, I hope she's at least sober enough to be coherent.

"Na, she's just a lightweight."

In that case, pass me something so I can get wasted and make some new friends!

"That's the spirit lad!" An even older and more grizzled gryphon than the barkeep exclaims, passing me a bottle of something.

Taking a swig, my eyes practically glow. Motherfucking moonshine! Fuck yeah! And some good shit too, not something some crazy old man made with an old radiator.

"Only the finest from my families brewery laddie!"

And so it goes on, drinking moonshine and talking about our exploits. Gunderson, the old bird, was apparently a mercenary in his youth, and definitely knew how to spin a yarn. I'm not sure if I believed his story about stealing a chest full of treasure right from under a dragon's nose, but I'll be damned if it wasn't a good story. Deft mentioned that she'd once been a part of a pirate's crew, and not just any pirate, but under the flag of Grain Maul herself! Apparently she's a legend, a fiery maned royal who forsook her lineage and life of ease for the freedom of the high seas. A minotaur that apparently went by the name of Vial Smasher told of his capture by the zebras during one of his clan's raids. Well, capture is the wrong word, since he was a berserker. Anyway, he basically became an indentured servant to some crazy witch doctor, so now he was a berserker with the alchemical knowledge to create an all purpose anti-pain, poison, and venom potion that worked better the harder he raged. And that's just barely scratching the surface without mentioning the obvious tall tales.

By this point we were all good and drunk, laughing like old friends instead of people we'd just met and others we hated. Alcohol has a way of doing that when it doesn't cause all hell to break loose. Looking around, I realized I could actually be friends with these guys, even McBitchtits over there, who's slightly drooling all over Deft. At the thought, a weird tingle crosses over my body, kind of like when somebody tries to levitate me, but without the mild sting.

Hey, anybody know if there's a guitar around here?

"I think Tyr keeps one behind the bar, why?" Gunderson asks with a small burp.

Got a weird feeling telling me I should play a song, and maybe a little bit of homesickness. The song I had in mind was from one of my parent's favorite singers. With that I stumble around the bar, and see an old six string tucked neatly into one of the shelves. Grabbing it reverently, I go back to the table and spend a few minutes tuning it before getting started.

"Blame it all on my roots
I showed up in boots.
And ruined your black tie affair.
The last one to know, the last one to show,
I was the last one you thought you'd see there."

The words just flowed, and I'm pretty sure it came out better than it had any right to. By the time the song ended, the entire bar started cheering.

"I have no idea what you were singing Jack, but that sounded amazing!" One of the support staff yelled from across the room, a thestral stallion who went by the name Crackling Doom, of all things.

It's definitely not something I've ever written, and I'm not even the biggest fan of the genre, but a drinking song seemed appropriate.

"Play some more! You've got a surprisingly soothing singing voice." Comet mumbles from Deft's shoulder, though I hadn't even realized she was still awake.

Eh... Hell, why not?

But really, what to play? More drinking songs? It's not like they could understand the lyrics, so they were missing out on a the point. Ah fuck it, more bar songs.

"Work, work all week long
Punchin' that clock from dusk till dawn.
Countin' the days till Friday night
That's when all the conditions are right.
For a good time
I need a good time."

More applause, and more requests for more. Unfortunately, I was hitting my limits, and that moonshine was definitely starting to do it's thing.

Sorry everyone, I'm starting to see triple at this point. Maybe at some other time I'll play some more. A few sighs of disappointment, but nobody argued.

"Damn laddie, didn't know what you said, but I'll speak for us all and say it resonated!"

Thanks Gunderson, and it was probably due to them both being drinking songs.

"You should learn how to sing them in a language we'd understand."

Find me a language that I can actually do something with and I'll oblige! I lean back, chuckling at the thought of being able to speak this place's animal sounding languages.

The party started to wind down after that, as most of the people were asleep where they lay, and the other half were drowsy and remembering the good days with old friends. Eventually, the siren's call was too much and I fell asleep, slumping against the pony next to me.

The next morning was something else, as everybody was strewn about the place. Not a single person was able to walk out of the place under their own power, it seemed. Hearing a high pitched eep coming from my current pillow, it dawns upon me that my snuggle pillow for the night was none other than Comet Streak.

"Wh-what are you doing?" The wide eyed mare asked.

Apparently you're comfortable to snuggle with.

"That doesn't answer my question."

I could ask one of my own. For instance, why are all the mares on this planet such fucking hardliners? I swear I could count on one hand the number of mares I've talked with that didn't instantly start at either 'Fuck me now' or 'I will consume your soul'. Seriously, what's up with that?

"Because you're either a bastard or a nice guy. I've seen how you treat Cherry."

You do realize you started this, right?

"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that being told a dog was as smart as me was supposed to actually be taken seriously." The mare retorted with a snort.

Apology accepted. I'll even forgive you for trying to drug me if we can stop this shit. It's gotten tiring over the last few weeks.

"Start over huh, fresh field of snow? Eh, fuck it, my head hurts too much to keep this up right now. Now be useful and let me finish sleeping." The mare grumbles as she shoves me over and curls up on my torso.

I think that's a yes?

It wasn't a no. I'm sure she'll come to her senses once she awakens.

Damn. You're a cruel Mistress, you know that?

Being stuck in your head and watching you interact with mares is enough to drive anypony up a wall.

If you say so, Mistress. If you say so. Think I'll grab some more sleep as well, night.

Good night.

Ends and Beginnings
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

Ends and Beginnings

"Look who finally came to visit! I was starting to wonder if you were just a weird dream." Frosted Thimble exclaimed as she glomped me.

"Woah there." I gasp as the furry missile bowls me over.

She appears to be happy to see you.

Oh really?

Nice to see you, mind letting me breath? Fortunately she hadn't snapped my board.

"What can I say? It's been ages since I've last seen you. Sparx was even starting to wonder if they dumped you off a cliff somewhere."

Sparx just needs to stop projecting on to others. I write out with a small laugh.

"Come back into the kitchen and tell me about it while I make some tea."

Following the mare to the back, I make myself comfortable as she puts the pot on.

Overall it was actually pretty boring. Wake up early, get yelled at all day, and eventually pass out just to start it all over again.

"Oh really? All of those recruits just accepted you at face value with no additional shenanigans happening?"

Well, I did have a mare dump salt into my drink at lunch so I'd be drunk for combat training. That was fun.

"Oh? And how'd you get around that and pass?"

Have you ever given one of your humans salt?

"Nope. Why would I want to get a human wasted?"

Because salt doesn't do anything for us past increasing our chance for heart-attacks if you eat too much of it. I even tested it on one of the guard's humans just to see if she was actually being an idiot or if it was another Alien thing, and it didn't do a thing.

After calming down from a fit of very manly giggling, she set a cup in front of me.

"So I take it you thrashed her real good?"

Eyup, though her friend managed to get me and go on to win the whole thing.

"Good. I'd hate for some uppity mare to get the best of you. So what's the plan now?"

I'm going to spend time around here with Kemo to get a feel for things. After that, I'm probably going to become Commandant Crow's favorite spy.

"Doesn't sound like you'll have much time to spend around here." The mare accuses me with a pout.

I'll find a way. Probably. It might take a while for the wanderlust to wear off. I never really had fantasies of exploring a world of magic, but I'm not going to pass up the offer now that I've got it.

"Oh well, just remember you'll always have a home here."

Thanks for that, it means a lot. Scooting over, I give her a hug to show my appreciation.

"Just so long as I get a few days to spend with you before Kemo whisks you away. I might have to give her a piece of my mind if she shows up too soon."

Laughing, I ease her concerns. Don't worry, she shouldn't be her for awhile. They gave me a week of leave before starting, and that should have started yesterday.

"Perfect! Just let me go shut the shop down right quick."

I wondered if you'd heard that I'd made it back in town, since our communications have been spotty as of late. I told the sandy mare as she entered The Spindle.

"Of course I have, and you're not exactly the most subtle of humans."

Oh? What tipped you off?

"I had a day at the spa yesterday, which you passed by on the way here. Not that I was there at the time, but some of the less... Savory mares had noticed your outfit while on your way here."

Looking down at the Lunar Guard uniform they'd given me, she might have had a point. Not too many humans walk around in jeans and dappled grey tunic with matching cloak.

They tried to replace my jeans and boots with some weird pants and shoes, but I had to hard pass on them. I told her with a laugh.

"You're going to cry yourself to sleep for a month when those wear out, aren't you?" She replied with false sympathy.

Normally I would, since getting good leather here seems like it'd be a chore, but I asked the Princesses to put a protection spell on them. These bad boys will still be going strong while my bones are dust! I wrote out, giving the mare a wide grin.

"And how in the name of the Sun and Moon did you get the Princesses to bestow you with such a favor?"

"I'm guessing he asked them to do it as a graduation gift, since I doubt anypony was there for him during graduation." Frosty told the mare as she walked in from the back with new product.

Hey! No spoilers! Also not entirely correct. I actually just asked Princess Luna after the celebration at the bar and she agreed before bidding me farewell.

Sparx didn't look convinced. "Really? You just asked?"

Eyup. No idea why it worked. I didn't even get to try out bribery or pouting.

"It's just your natural charisma coming through." The winged mare reassure me.

"Yeah. Charisma. I'm sure that's exactly what it was."

So I've been going through boot camp, what have you been up to Sparx?

"Not too much. Though I just got back from Las Pegasus, which should have given me enough bits for the next few months.

Oh? Do the casinos here tell people who are too lucky to not return?

"And what makes you think I'm too lucky?"

Call it a gut feeling.

"Like I'd ever do such a thing. Only amateurs try and get away with everything. But, to a casino, a pony only walking away with a thousand or so bits? Just the system working as intended."

And, of course, if you do it across half of the many casinos that I'm assuming there are...

"Like I said, the next few months are going to be nice and relaxing. So what's your next move, Mr. Lunar Guard?"

Oh, not much. I'm 'apprenticing' under Ke'mot. If that goes well, they said something about having me wander around, gathering information and being a general nuisance to evil-doers.

"That's great! So instead of keeping you to one place like normal, they're just going to have you constantly moving to keep ponies from getting suspicious?"

"You are a nuisance, so at least they've got you pegged right."

I might even get to travel the world. I never considered myself touched by wanderlust, but then again, the only regions of my home that weren't explored were deep within a few jungles and the deepest parts of the oceans. Here, though, is an entirely new world literally full of magic and monsters!

"A world without magic just seems wrong."

"No kidding." The unicorn concurred.

It's not so bad if it's all you know. We also had some pretty neat technology. And guns, I'm going to miss my old hunting rifle. Guess I'll just get a bow at some point to fill the void.

"The Lunar Guard has their own provisioners, so you should be able to get something custom made. A human with a bow's pretty conspicuous though, once you have it I might be able to make you something to help hide it."

Thanks Frosty, I'll definitely take you up on that offer later.

"No problem. So how about we go see a movie? There's a place a few blocks down that's owned by a costumer of mine, so it only costs half a leg to get a bag of popcorn."

"There is a new Daring Do movie out, seems like it could be fun." Sparx helpfully chimed in.

I'm down to clog my arteries on popcorn.

"Perfect!"

"That movie was AWESOME! She was all like kick, pow, over the edge with you tomb robbers!" The white mare exclaimed as she tried to reenact one of the fight scenes as she flew along the road home.

"It veered off from the books a little bit, but it was definitely a good movie."

I didn't realize you had Indiana Jones here. The mares gave me a confused look at that.

"Who's Indiana Jones?" The pegasus asked.

Think human male Daring Do, but more Nazi's and less mythical creatures.

"What's a Nazi?" The unicorn got in on the questioning.

"And why didn't you invite your good friend to the movie as well?" A voice asked from a nearby alley.

"Who are you calling friend?" Sparx questioned the voice.

"Mostly the gangly monkey beside you." Ke'mot responded as she stepped out of the shadows, possibly literally.

"Hey there, long time, no see. Gotta say, I like what you've done with the human, he's got a little more meat on his bones now." The seamstress replied.

"A pleasure to see you again, though sadly I wasn't able to be his drill sergeant. Something about 'not killing the poor lad'."

"Well that sounds like a tale. Want to come over for a cup of tea?"

"I'd be delighted, thank you."

And with that our little group made our way back to The Spindle. Setting up in the kitchen with the tea our gracious host had made us, we continued idling chatting about the movie and other little bits. Just a casual night drinking and bullshitting with friends. The impromptu party lasting a couple of hours before Ke'mot got up to be on her way.

"Oh, and before I forget, I need you at my home by noon Jack. The Commandant has a job for us."

Not a problem. I'll see you then. Night Kemo.

"Thanks for stopping by Kemo, it was nice to have you around." Our gracious host bade her farewell.

"I'll probably be seeing you around too." Our ever optimistic unicorn added in.

Sounds like I should probably get to bed then. Don't want to risk being late on the first day of the job.

"Thanks for the tea Frosty, it's always a pleasure, but I should probably be on my way too."

"Good night Sparx, see you later."

Night. And as the mare made her way out the front it signaled the end of our little party that night.

After a lovely breakfast with Frosty, I was nearly to the cabin when Ke'mot exited the front door.

"You showed up on time, I guess I can't punish you by making you carry all of the gear now." She greeted me while wearing a pair of saddlebags. Walking over to grab my pack off her back, I gave her a friendly nod and hand wave to continue. "The Commandant wants us to go north. There's been rumors that a particularly vicious bandit leader is starting to get a following that's too big for the Solars to handle."

So head up there, kill the guy and spook the followers to splinter them, and let the Solar Guards clean up the small messes?

"Exactly. Shall we get started?"

Of course.

Dear Princess Luna?

Honestly, I've forgotten the specifics on how to write a formal letter. At least, I think I'm supposed to be writing letters to you. Kemo wasn't being particularly helpful when she said that you had requested that I do "Friendship Journals," so I'm just going to write it like the bastard son of a friendly letter, a report, and a diary.

So, we went up north to take a bandit leader down a notch, and we learned that the Solar Guard's information was rather off. She wasn't really a leader of bandits, more like a preacher of zealots. Which caused our little operation of cutting the head off the snake to turn into an operation of kill the hydra. It took a week, but I think we managed to track down all of the leadership. Hopefully the Solars will be able to take care of the small fry. It did make a good testing ground for the skills I'd learned at boot, and reestablished that bad ponies are easy to seduce. For some reason nobody expects the human stab the leader with her own knife. Kemo said we can go and get me a bow the next time we have a chance to drop by Canterlot. It'll be nice to do more than twiddle my thumbs while she stealthily takes out the sentries.

Maybe I'll give Snap and Comet a visit if they're at HQ, see if Comet's drunken truce was true or not. Oh, and if you're wondering, Werda is still in my head, but doesn't say much. She's apparently mastered dreamwalking and spends her time borrowing the dreams of some of your greater minds at night to figure out how to return to a real body. Not sure what she does during the day when said minds are awake, but I guess some of them must sleep during the times I'm awake. I've still got no idea why you wanted me to write these, but if you want to slog through my musings I won't deny you such a favor.

Jack, the Lunar Ranger

Author's Note

It only took half a decade, but I finally managed to finish this up in a way that doesn't involve me completely hating myself, and I even managed to add a hook so I can add short little musings so the little bastards stop running around my head at night! I can't promise more journal entries, but I can tell you they'll be of a more rambling nature like the ending.

So thanks for all of the support, hope you enjoyed the ride. Oh, and hell yeah! I'm the first non-oneshot YHaY story to put a complete tag up! It's kinda sad when you think about it...

The Ranger's Log: Page 256
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Ranger's Log: Page 256

Author's Note

Inspiration struck, so here's a bit of mail that Jack sent Luna after Werda managed to recreate her body. It's not much, more of a little extra bit of info on the universe after the end of the story, and more will likely.

The Ranger's Log: Page 256

Dear Princess Luna,

I hope this missive finds you in good health, or at all, really, since I'm sending it in the hands of Werda and her newly acquired body. I'm quite certain that she will deliver this to you and answer any additional questions you may have, but she's also an immortal paragon of the nightmare realm, or some such, so it wouldn't surprise me if she decided to just decline doing this favor for me to instead go off and do whatever it is that immortals do. On that note, a copy of this summary should arrive a week or so after her arrival, just in case Your Royal Immortalness does happen to know what a fellow immortal would do if she decided to roam off without checking in first.

So as you have probably gathered, we managed to acquire a body for Werda, and let me tell you that was some of the most occultic shit I've ever seen in my life. I'm quite happily surprised that it didn't end up taking an arm and a leg as part of the payment. On the other side, I have a list of all of the elements and the percentage of such that makes up a larger than average unicorn mare. No idea what I'm going to do with that information, but I'll attach that sheet to the backup missive so that you can do something with it.

As for the ingredients, it wasn't too creepy, mostly just a bunch of elements a few magical trinkets, and some of my blood. The only real trinket of interest was something called the Fork of Horripilation, which is some kind of weird two pronged poker that I had to use to draw the blood for the ritual, and Kemo wasn't particularly happy with that artifact around, said it gave her the chills for some reason. We found it in some weird Aztec looking temples in the southern jungles, and we only almost died twice to traps. I should mention that I securely packaged the poker and sent it with a note to the Royal Canterlot Museum. Anonymously, of course. There was also an acid green jewel carved into the shape of a pony, which didn't survive the process. It kind of melted in the pentacle, and I'm fairly sure it's the base of her new body, at least for now. I have to say, it feels strange not hearing her voice in my thoughts. She wasn't particularly invasive, nor where we particularly talkative all things considered, but I feel like I'm going to miss being able to ask for her advice on the fly.

That's the big news, on the smaller side I've helped Kemo get rid of a few bandits and helped whittle away at what's left of the Thieve's Guild. Not that there's much, but some of the small-timers realized there was a power vacuum and are trying to fill as much of it as possible. Silly bastards, expanding that hard makes them easy targets for us, and the Solar Guard even managed to nab one or two.

Your Lunar Ranger,

Jack Smith

This document has been copied and bound along with the rest of the notes of the human Lunar Guard, Jack Smith, by Royal Scribe Lumia at the behest of Princess Luna, so that all may learn of Equestria's visitor from beyond the stars. May his soul rest in peace.

The Ranger's Log: Page 278
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Ranger's Log: Page 278

To: Princess Luna

From: Jack the Ranger

It's been pretty slow lately, so I haven't had a real reason to send you an update. Recently, however, I've managed to have a little adventure with a showmare by the name of, and I quote; "The Great and Powerful Trrrrrrrrixie!" She even likes to talk in the third person, which turned out to be endearingly cute instead of obnoxious. As for how I came across such a colorful character, it was really just a coincidence. I was walking back to Ke'mo's from The Commandant's place and decided to take the scenic route. The Great and Powerful* Trixie had also decided to get some fresh country air to brace herself for the less fresh city air, but had gotten her cart stuck due to the ground being soft from a recent rainfall.

On a side note, how I ever told you Princesses how fucking weird it is that you lot control the celestial bodies while your ponies control the weather? That ain't natural and I'm still not convinced it doesn't involve some weird voodoo nonsense.

So I found the powder blue unicorn trying to get her wagon out of the mud, and since she's not an earth pony capable of moving five hundred times her own body weight, she wasn't quite managing it. So being the gentleman I am, I came up and helped her get out of her rut. She thanked me quite self-importantly and gave me a cookie. She talked at me the whole way back to Manehattan, regaling me with tales of her epic adventures. Mostly hogwash, but the lady can spin one hell of a yarn.

Back in the city, she finds an empty space and I realize that her wagon is also a stage, and help her set it up. As the show goes on, she drags me onto the stage and proceeds to saw me in half, then pulled my boot out of her hat. No idea how she did the last one, but I made sure to get that back sharpish! She shoo'd me away for the grand finale, which was basically a little cartoon made of fireworks. It was the tale of her fight against an Ursa Major. At least I think it was, I made myself scarce before the end due to pressing issues and not wanting her to try and claim me or take me to a shelter. It wouldn't have been too much hassle to get out of it, due to my Bronze Moon, but I've come across the occasional caretaker that calls in the local Ranger to find out if I stole it from someone.

I guess it wasn't really an important thing to send you, but I didn't want to find out what you'd do if I went too long without sending a letter. And maybe have someone come give some life advice to this Trixie, she's doing well for now, but her way of dealing with hecklers is likely going to get into some real trouble some day.

*She appears to have a fairly average level of power, though her technique appears to be excellent.

You're loyal Ranger,
Jack

The Ranger's Log: Page 301
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Ranger's Log: Page 301

Dear Princess Moony,

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but your ponies are fucking nymphos. Like, seriously, I'm not sure if I've gotten around to telling anyone about it that's important, but your ponies are apparently insatiable, and I'm not even going to go into the ethics behind it. The important bit is that, since I've become "independent", the number of mares, and the occasional stallion, that attempt to lure me into their sex dungeons is ridiculously high. After awhile I started keeping track, and over the last month I've realized that I get propositioned an average of twice a day. If that wasn't enough, at least once a week some mare seems to think they can just leash me up and drag me home. On a side note, tell Sunny Princess that I'm sorry for the distress that I've caused her Guards in the area. I know piledrivers aren't considered an appropriate way to tell someone no, but some mares are extremely persistent and after about the third instance I've noticed a marked decrease in attempts being made to drag me off by force.

Of course, the show of force seems to have made it's way through the rumor mill and I'm getting even more lusty looks. I don't suppose you can tell me how to fix that, can you? Maybe some sorta fuck-off charm? It was kinda awesome and ego-boosting to begin with, but I've realized they do it with any human male they come across that isn't being stared at by their owner. It's actually fucking insane, and may require me to be put on patrol so that I can beat some bandits senseless to help center myself again. As for the former apology, it doesn't count towards the stallions. I don't roll that way and won't apologize for choke slamming dudes who come up and grab my junk. Shit's seriously rude and no bueno.

On the other side of the coin, I think I've come across more than a few changelings, and they seem to realize I'm abnormal and treat me like anyone else. A few even own businesses and I've made a habit of frequenting them because it makes my life easier if I just get to act like a normal person, even if it's only for a little bit. The Hive Mind seems to have informed them all of my status of "claimed" by Rose. Which is weird cause after some more digging and talks I've learned that there are many different hives, with different characteristics that they value. Apparently their primary characteristic is also the one that's most filling when they feed off it. Doesn't really make sense to me, but magic and all that shit. All that really matters in the end is that I can stop pretending to being a neanderthal when I'm around them, and it's really cathartic.

Oh, and Rose said there are whispers that some outcasts are amassing for some reason, probably to do something stupid and drastic. Told me to give you the heads up as a show of good will.

The Sexiest Ranger,
Jack of Hearts

Author's Note

Apparently I'm just really motivated to write nonsense the last week. Not sure why that is, probably has to do with my new job that's boring as fuck.

The Goof, the Bat, and the Angry. And the Walking Balloon Hazard.
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Your Human and You: Tricks and Treats

The Goof, the Bat, and the Angry. And the Walking Balloon Hazard.

As I woke up the next morning, I'd come to a single conclusion: I may be a hot-blooded male in his prime, but this last week may have not been such a good move. Maybe it finally just all caught up with me, or maybe the bug was drugging my food to help keep the pain away, it could even be that Frosty was just rougher, but in the end it all lead to a situation where holy fuck was I sore all over.

Rolling out of bed, I noticed Frosty was already up and at it, so I finished getting dressed and made my way to the kitchen, where I noticed we had company over for breakfast today.

"So, I'm gone for a little while, and you've already got caught up in at about three different schemes," Sparx said as she nursed her coffee. "I had a feeling you would probably do that, which is exactly why I was actually quite glad to dump you off on Frosty."

Noticing my notepad sitting on the table beside a plate of waffles, my slightly hazy brain decided to come up with a witty retort.

You're funny looking

The mares looked at me, one looking at me like I was a complete idiot while the other started to giggle as I drowned my waffle in syrupy delight.

"Really? That's all you've got?"

Sssshhhhh, I'm pretending to still be asleep and devour these waffles at the same time

"Don't worry Sparx, I'm sure that Lunar Guard's already chewed him out, and will probably do it again once she sees him again."

"Oh don't worry, I'm going to enjoy that." The unicorn said with a sinister grin. "But until then, I've got a small solution to our problem."

The mare's magic pulls a pair of what look like a small pair of clip on earrings with a ruby in each, then clipped one onto her ear and the other onto mine.

So, can you hear me? Went the voice of Sparx, but it was in my head.

So we think our thoughts and they're passed across? Or are we going to get every stray thought?

Did you hear the six different ways I've thought about inflicting damage to your face in the last three seconds?

Nope, guess it's got some safety features

"Why are you two staring at each other?" Our white-coated questioned.

"The earrings allow whoever's wearing them to communicate telepathically."

"Cool, so that's what your trip was about?"

"Yes, it was definitely only that."

"Good to know."

So are these going to stay in my possession, or are they staying in your care?

A scathing laugh comes from my favorite unicorn as she removes the earring. "Do you know how much these cost me? They aren't leaving my sight."

Now that wasn't very nice, my feelings are hurt that you'd be so rude to me! I write while trying to smile cheekily and chew waffles at the same time. I don't think it worked very well though.

"Behave you two, or no desert." Our winged friend butted in.

"Who eats desert after breakfast? Breakfast is practically desert to begin with."

Before Frosty could make her case, the bell to the front door chimed, catching all of our attention.

"Didn't you lock the door behind me when I came in this morning?"

"Yes... We better go check it out." The mare replied, looking slightly worried and very confused.

Making our way up front, a rather unsurprising surprise greeted our vision.

"Good Morning, I was wondering when Jack was going to come report," Ke'mot said as she stood at the front desk.

"Jack, why is the Lunar Guard asking about your report?" Sparx was giving me the stink eye now, oh boy.

Well, you see, she found me on accident, and the only way to not be thrown to the mercy of the Sun Tyrant was to do some work for her. Which, I might add, comes with some immunity since if I do a good job she can get me into the Lunar Guard.

"And when where you going to tell me this?" The mare asked, going into full death-glare mode.

After we left the room full of stabbing utensils.

Frost, apparently wanting to see me die, decided to try and get the situation under control. "See, he had a good explanation, how about we all go back to the room of stabbing so that Jack can report and we can finish our food?"

"I concur" Our fanged friend put in.

"Fine." And with that hostile note, we went back to the kitchen, where my waffles had become ninety percent syrup, which was probably worth the delay. Digging in as everyone else found a seat, I used the fact that I didn't have to use my mouth to communicate to double task.

So, status report and all. Though I guess I should ask everyone here to keep it all under their belts, some of this would probably cause a panic.

"By Luna's Bearded Moon, what have you gotten into this time!" The thief exclaimed as my favorite of the mares nodded.

Well, you see, I was minding my own business while trying to infiltrate the Thieves Guild for Kemo here, and I got intercepted by some information mafia run by a changeling, who's name wasn't given so I've decided to call "The Crimson Rose" due to her cutie mark and that it sounds awesome. Anyway, so I was her sex slave for about a week before she confronted me and did the whole buggy thing, and I have to say seeing a pony go up in flames is rather disturbing. Anyway, she told me to tell you that she'd like to have a working relationship between the Lunar Guard and her information ring and as a goodwill gift she told me it's some pony named High Arch, though apparently the paper trail is under Temple Bell. Ta Da I finish my writing and do some jazz hands for added effect.

"High Arch huh? She's a priestess at the Temple of Celestia." Ke'mot mused on it for a second. "It looks like I need to do some digging, I've really only glanced over anypony that was apart of the Temples."

"So you're hunting down the Guild? Good for you, the less I see of those idiots the better." Sparx said as she angrily ate what was left of her waffle.

"I guess you do see the lower rungs often, don't you Sparx? If only those idiots would see more, it'd make my life easier."

"Wait... How do you know Sparx's name? I don't think anypony's mentioned it." Frost put in, looking confused.

"That's because I've seen her file. You're giving the Solar Guard quite a headache, they never have quite enough evidence to do anything, but a few of them are sure you're responsible for some of the trinkets missing from the richer parts of the city."

"So the Solar Guard wants me, but I'm too small of a fish for the Lunar Guard to get involved with?"

"Yes."

"I'm okay with that."

With that conversation over, I decided it was time to talk about the next step. So what now? Are we going to take advantage of the Changeling Mafia's info network? Or are we going to just hunt them down? Since I'm getting the feeling changelings aren't considered allies.

"I'll need to talk to the Commandant, and you'll be coming."

"So you two are going on an adventure? Count me out, I'm good with staying away from the pervy alien." Sparx added in.

"Are you sure you don't need a stallion Sparx? You seem to be a little angry at the poor guy lately." The previously quiet mare asked.

"You can take your opinion and shove it up your ass." Was the angry retort, and I saw a glint as the hint of a smile on Kemo's face that revealed a fang.

It's okay Sparx, we're just teasing you. I lean over and gave the mare a hug, which earned me a magically assisted shove out of my chair.

"No touching, you perv."

I climbed back into my chair, my ass smarting fromt he sudden fall. Well, can we at least borrow the earrings? I'm pretty sure Kemo here is probably the most responsible person in the room, and could probably compensate if something goes wrong.

"Fine, but only if she promises to be responsible for them." The unicorn growled as she put the pair onto the table.

You gave them up remarkably easily considering ten minutes ago you said they weren't leaving your sight.

"That's because I'd rather not have the Lunar Guard giving me any more notice than they already have."

The Guard swiped them with her wing and gave them a closer look, then interrupted our little back and forth. "So what exactly do these do?"

"From what Sparx said earlier, they allow for telepathic communication between the wearers," Frosty helpfully supplied.

"How... unnerving that he thinks these will be necessary."

Since I doubt we're coming back here before the mission is done, I figured they'd be helpful at some point. Better safe than sorry and all that. Guess we'll be on our way, thanks for the food.

Frost swiped all the plates and started washing up as me and Kemo made our way to depart. I waved and gave a slight bow, while Kemo just nodded her thanks. Not one for extra words, that mare.

Our trip to Commandant Crow's cottage went by relatively fast considering the silence, but before I realized it Kemo was knocking on the door.

"Kemo, nice to see you!" The old ranger beamed. "I thought you'd need at least another week to completely round them up."

The mare in question grunted. "Actually, some things have come up, and other mild annoyances."

"Well come in, I even bought a small bag of biscuits for Jack here."

"I don't think he deserves them, but we'll wait until after my report."

Handing me a treat off the counter as we all made our seats, Crow gave a hurt look. "I'm sure he's been a perfectly fine human, doesn't seem to have a malicious bone in his body."

"That's because he's just smart enough to know how to manipulate ponies, but not smart enough to recognize when he's captured by changelings."

"Oh, that doesn't sound good at all. How about starting at the beginning?"

"After I left here I started doing some recon, and as I was walking to check on a second set of contacts he was standing by a display case for a shop like an idiot. I went in, checked to see if the proprietor had his papers, and then took him into custody seeing as she didn't. I also learned his name is Jack."

"In a shop you say? Which one?"

"The Golden Spindle, some place where ponies go to get studded leather clothes for recreational use, apparently. Moving on from that, later I learned that he's not an Equestrian human, but was dragged to this planet against his will and with his vocal chords magically inhibited. From what reports I had I knew that the leader of the Guild was fond of human playthings, and since his best traits are his looks and ability to get caught, I decided to ask him to go undercover."

"Seems like a good plan so far." The stallion said as she took a drink.

"It was, but apparently he got caught by some changelings on the way there. After playing with him for a week, the leader confronted him on not being a normal human and gave him a proposition. Freedom at the price of asking the Lunar Guard to let him be an information liaison between their information network us."

"That's... Unexpected of them, but considering we've not had evidence of hide nor hair of them anywhere in the area, they're either the best of the best, or are doing as they say and subsiding off of being information brokers." Then he looked at me and offered a hoof. "And sorry for not introducing myself properly earlier, it's nice to meet you Jack."

With a nod, I gave him a firm handshake, which felt weird as fuck because I could 'feel' his grip on my hand, even though hooves can't grab. Fucking magical ponies. I decided now was as good of a point as ever to pull out my notepad.

So, any other questions? As you may have guessed, my ability to stay low-profile is sadly lacking, so I figured if I could get into the Lunar Guard somehow that I'd be relatively safe. I believe Princess Luna returned recently, and her banishment predates the whole 'human pet' thing . So, as is, of the two I'm more willing to trust her if I must, though I'd rather not ever have the royals attention.

"Nice and to the point, I like that in a soldier. As it so happens I could use an extra set of eyes to help Kemo. Of course, that would also mean you'd have to play nice and follow her orders, as you're "rank" would pretty much be that of a first year apprentice."

Considering how most of the humans here seem to be treated, I figure that'll be the best I can get. Do I get to be smart around other Rangers, or are we keeping this quiet?

"The Lunar Guard does indeed treat their humans better than most, mostly due to the bonds that are created when it's just a guard and their friendly pet against some of the worst pony-kind has to offer, so there's nothing wrong with them knowing. Though, for now, I'll let Kemo inform any of the Guard that she comes across of you abilities as she sees necessary." Then he tilted his head slightly as he asked a question of his own. "Rangers? I can't say I quite understand why you would call us that."

Meanwhile Kemo, who had been looking like she was already tired of my existence, facepalmed. "If you remember, he said on his note, that we should call ourselves 'Luna's Rangers'."

"Ah, I do remember, but still don't quite understand."

They're figures from my homelands fantasy stories. You know, the ones that pretty much match this world, minus the talking ponies. Anyway, I recall one in particular had a setup eerily familiar to yours, and you have to admit setting yourself apart from the Solar Guards isn't a bad thing, you're a special forces unit while they're mostly grunts.

"I'll have to remember and tell Shining Armor what an alien thinks of his carefully crafted guard. The poor guy dedicated his life to turning it into something great before he got wrangled by Princess Cadenza and shipped to the Empire." The old bastard could barely contain his mirth.

Hey, there's nothing wrong with being the sledgehammer, I'm actually quite fond overkill after all, but compared to them you guys appear to be a scalpel. And small, precise, and deadly are a combination of traits that win wars.

"Indeed. So to round this up, we're recruiting Jack, setting him up as an information relay between us and these changelings to get as much information out of them as possible, and you're going back to beheading the Thieves Guild?"

"Yes sir, I decided that Jack's intelligence and run in with the changelings took priority, but would like to get back to it as soon as possible."

"Good, and now that the soup I've had simmering for the last few hours is done, we can eat before you're off."

"Nothing would please me more."

Author's Note

Another chapter! Comments are always welcomed, and pointing out bits that I've messed up will help me fix them.