The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

by SteeveLee

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Oh, wow. Another OC story. How original.

This is the diary of John, a very bland stallion whose exciting days consist of laundry detergent, tea bags, and toothpaste. From finding lucky coins, to deciding between toilet paper and bath soap, it's almost impossible to tell what will this reckless, out-of-control soul do next.

~~I will update it whenever I feel like updating it, meaning that it may have as little as one or two chapters or as many as fifty.~~ This diary in no way reflects the events of my life. It's meant to be a stark contrast between all the so-called "interesting" OC stories on here.

Oh, and one more thing. It's come to my mind before, but I just didn't find the time to say it until now:

It would be greatly appreciated if you guys didn't use swear words in the comments section. I'm not going to be a stiff neck about it, but I really would like to ask that you don't (John is most distressed with it). I'm not going to delete your comments or anything, but I would ask that you respect me and not swear in the comments section.

And by swear, I mean things like p**s, pr**k, a*s, d**n, s**t, h**l, f***, and DEFINATELY not Jesus Christ (as an exclamation). I am a Christian, and I find that last one incredibly offensive.

So please, I'm not going to be a swear-word Nazi and take over the comments section, and I'm not going to start going on an anti-swear rampage. I'm just asking for you guys to show a little respect now that you know that such things offend me (and John).

If you've used these before, don't worry! You didn't know until now that it offended me. All is forgiven and we're cool now, okay? Okay. Have a cookie. *gives you a cookie*

Thank you, and have a nice and bland day. :-)

Sincerely,
SteeveLee

P.S. However, if you abuse my leniance and troll me with a comment that literally says a whole bunch of swear words just to annoy me, then I WILL remove your comment. Let's just get along, okay? Okay. Now, without holding you up any further, here is the most exciting tale you will ever read!!!

UPDATE: Story completed. This was fun guys! Really. Thanks for all your comments and stuff! :) God bless.

Image made using General Zoi's pony generator on DeviantART.

Chapters

In Which I Feel Frightened for My Life.
Of Rainy Days and Distractions Therein.
In Which I Feel that I Have Become Reckless and Absurd.
In Which I Feel Scared and Play Golf While Terrified.
Of Cutie Marks and Spilled Tea.
In Which I Lose My Keys.
In Which Things Start Getting Better.
Of Oddities and Alicorns.
In Which I Discover Facts and Help a Friend.
In Which My House is Repaired and I Recieve an Uninvited Guest.
Of Ninja Changelings and a Return to Normality.
Of Helping Friends and Using Spare Rooms.
Of Jewel Bags and Unwanted Wallpaper.
In Which I Return from Work to Find an Awkward Entry.
Of Nothing Much.
Of Pancakes and Assistants.
Of Tea and Crackers.
In Which I Purchase Shampoo.
Of Tissues and Sneezing.
Of Packages and Feeling Better.
Of Oatmeal and Another Normal Day.
In Which I Go About my Normal Business.
The End.
In Which I Have An Exciting Day.
Of Mondays and Birthday Parties.
In Which Things Are Normal for Once.
Of Oatmeal and Burnt Toast.
In Which Miss Twilight Sparkle Returns and Things Change Back to Normal Again.
In Which a Fly is in my House

In Which I Feel Frightened for My Life.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Feel Frightened for My Life.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Dear Diary,

I am very worried and troubled. My birthday is today, and I just know that Miss Pinkie Pie is purposely planning a surprise party for me. Oh goodness gracious, I just used alliteration. I'm sorry. That was out of place. Now, back to the focus of this diary entry: Miss Pinkie Pie's surprise party. I have no clue when or where the surprise party will be, so I plan on remaining in my home for the entirety of the day.

I am sincerely worried that Miss Pinkie Pie will get out of control with this party. What if she purchases multi-colored balloons? What if she brings a cake too big to be finished in one sitting? What if the party gifts are too much for me to handle and I have to return them the next day? Oh the horror. I cannot believe this.

It happens each year, diary: Miss Pinkie Pie plans a surprise party (pardon the alliteration, once again. I must behave myself more) and I wind up being surprised so much that I can hardly take it. Last year, it was the pinata. The year before that? Confetti. The year before that, even? A bouncy castle. My word, I cannot believe that I have survived so long with Miss Pinkie Pies antics.

It is now ten o' clock in the morning, diary, and there is still no sign of Pinkie Pie's party. Under normal circumstances, I would be relieved by the absence of Miss Pinkie Pie's party supplies in my home, but now I am all the more worried. I have to open up my shop at one o' clock today, and my shop is precisely one block from my house. To traverse that entire way knowing that Pinkie Pie could sneak into my home at any moment and prepare a party? I feel worried. But it must be done, I suppose.

I am just concerned about what may happen when I do leave my home.

Well, diary, of all the rotten luck. This has nothing to do with the party I was referring to earlier, but something else entirely. Upon opening up shop, one of the first customers was Miss Apple Jack, of the Sweet Apple Acres outside of town. Now, at this point, I am feeling somewhat relieved. Miss Apple Jack is a nice pony, but she's also friends with Pinkie Pie. Knowing this, I prepared myself to get information from her as quickly as possible.

"Hello, Miss Apple Jack," I said "How are you today?"

"Why, I'm doin' fine, John. Say, I was wonderin', how much for this here book?"

I looked and, I must confess, I almost felt as if I nearly gasped in shock.

She was purchasing what just so happens to be my favorite appliance manual, the only one left in stock: The manual for none other than a water heater from several years ago. It contains instructions in three languages and the water heater itself, the E.S. 000, came in shades of grey and gray.

This just so happens to be my favorite book in the store, and I constantly find myself debating over weather or not I should purchase it out of my own pocket, you see. But I knew that if I did that, someone who needed it for their actual E.S. 000, (despite the machine being outdated) would not be able to purchase it.

So now Miss Apple Jack has purchased it.

As she was leaving the store, I quickly remembered what information I wanted.

"Oh, Miss Apple Jack," I said "I'm sorry, but I did have a question for you."

"What?" she replied. At this point I noticed she was looking somewhat worried. The conversation continued as such:

"What is it that Miss Pinkie Pie has planned for me today?" I said. "I know she would share it with you, one of her close friends."

Miss Apple Jack quickly responded, "I'm sorry, John, but Pinkie said I shouldn't talk about it or else I'd ruin the surprise. Trust me, though: She knows what would work best for you. She learned her lesson from the pinata last year."

And, before I could respond, Miss Apple Jack had quickly left the store.

Now I am about to return home, Diary. I do not know If I shall ever be able to write in you again without thinking of what is coming. Oh dear. I feel so worried.

Well, Diary, this is probably the first year that my birthday party was actually enjoyable.

I walked into my house, turned on the light, and, rather than getting a loud "surprise!" from a bunch of ponies hidden in the room, I found a single note lying on my table, from Miss Pinkie Pie herself.

Dear John,

I'm sorry that the other Birthday Parties were pretty out-of-control for you. I think that party planning gets the best of me sometimes. If you wanna come, we are celebrating your birthday in the park. I did the best I could with what I had, but this time I stopped myself from going absolutely bananas with the cake and decorations and all that fun stuff. There will be tea, crackers, and even a game of checkers! Come if you wanna!

-Pinkie Pie

Oh! P.S. There's a gift for you from all of us here, too!

P.P.S. Happy Birthday!

P.P.S.S. :-)

Reluctantly, but somewhat ready for an enjoyable party for once, I set out to the park to find this party, bracing myself for an out-of-control experience, despite what Miss Pinkie Pie had said.

I was pleasantly surprised.

There was a table set up with a banner above it in plain black and white which read: Happy Birthday, John.

The table itself had a checker board set up and had seven cups of tea all around it. Sitting at the table were Miss Twilight Sparkle, Miss Pinkie Pie, Miss Apple Jack, Miss Rainbow Dash, Miss Rarity, and Miss Fluttershy. I confess I almost felt like I nearly blushed, due to all of this being for me. But I happily sat down at my seat and the party began.

When the festivities were nearly over, precisely an hour and one half later, Miss Pinkie Pie presented me with my one present. I opened it up, and I felt my heart skip a beat in joy.

There, sitting on the table, was none other than the manual for the E.S. 000. Miss Apple Jack was apparently told by Pinkie Pie to buy it, since, if she bought it, I would know what she was doing. I smiled and thanked them all for such a wonderful party, and I especially thanked Miss Pinkie Pie for restraining herself and not giving me a heart attack like she had for the past few years in a row.

Well, Diary, that is all for today. I am full of tea and crackers, and it is almost nine o' clock. I need to go to bed now to read my new book.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Rainy Days and Distractions Therein.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Rainy Days and Distractions Therein.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Dear Diary,

I am off to the park right now. It is going to be so fun. I have tea, crackers, and the manual for the E.S. 000. It's going to be a very exciting read. I should know, though - I've already read it seven (soon to be eight) times. Well, I have my tea bags packed along with my crackers, diary, so I think I will head over to the park right now. I'll bring you along, though, in case anything out-of-the ordinary happens.

Well, I'm at the park now, diary. So far, nothing unusual has happened. That's nice. Being normal is nice. Anyways, I'm going to read my book now.

Diary, I have read only five pages so far and I already am starting to remember how exciting the manual is. Already the diagrams and labels and step-by-step instructions are regaining some of their old exciting feel. For example: Did you know that you have to assemble piece A into piece B by first plugging part C into your water line? Pretty exciting, I think. I have to keep reading now. I simply can't stop.

Well, I just got finished reading the "English" section of the manual, and it was very exhilarating. I feel so giddy when I read this. In fact, I was so giddy that I accidentally spilled my tea. Goodness gracious, that was a mess. I actually had to set my book down and clean up the puddle, before ants came into the gazebo and started crawling all over it.

Anyways, Diary, now I'm moving on to the other languages.

I can't speak other languages, diary, but it just feels wrong to read only one section of the book and not complete the whole thing. I at least take the time to look at the words and guess what they mean, but I'm pretty sure that it is the same thing as in the first section. Oh, well. Back to reading.

Ah. That was nice. I enjoy reading manuals. Don't you, Diary? Oh goodness. Silly me. I forgot that you aren't an actual living thing. You're just a book that I write in. My apologies for asking you if you enjoy reading manuals. Oh, there I go again. I cannot believe that I apologized to a book. Sorry for apologizing to you, Diary.

There I go again. I must stop this ridiculous nonsense at once.

Well, now that I am done reading and have finished my tea, I suppose I will go home. Oh, wait. It's raining outside. Darn it, I cannot believe that I forgot about the pegasi scheduling a rain shower for today. Well, I suppose that I shall simply have to wait here underneath the gazebo until the rain clears up.

I shall just have to re-read the water heater manual.

I simply cannot concentrate on reading now, Diary. You see - the rain isn't that bad (it is just a light sprinkle), but there, up in a tree right next to the gazebo, Miss Rainbow Dash is sleeping and snoring quite loudly. Oh dear, what should I do?

I don't want to put up with snoring all while I'm trying to read an appliance manual in the rain, but then again, I don't want to ruin Miss Rainbow Dash's nap. Wait, I see a bit down here on the gazebo floor. I shall flip the coin and decide which action I should take.

I'm well aware that this is very reckless of me, but desperate times like this call for desperate measures...

...usually. On most other occasions, I wouldn't be doing such an out-of-control thing. Well, enough of this idle writing, Diary. I shall now flip the bit. If it lands on heads, I will wake up Miss Rainbow Dash and explain that her snoring is interrupting my reading. If it lands on tails, I will merely put up with the snoring until the rain clears and I can return to my home.

Oh bother. The coin has landed between the wooden cracks in the floor, and is now lost forever. I was going to keep it as a lucky bit, too. I could use more laundry detergent, after all.

You know what, Diary? I am going to muster up the courage to ask Miss Rainbow Dash to move to a different tree. I will...

...hang on, Diary. It appears that the sprinkling has stopped for now. Well, that's nice. I am going to go home now.

I'm back home now, Diary. And not a moment too soon, might I add. It is almost time for lunch. Oh, by the way, I did finally talk to Miss Rainbow Dash. She woke up just as the rain ended.

"Oh, hi there John!" She said.

"Hello, Miss Rainbow Dash," I replied "Nice weather today."

"Thanks," she said "Us pegasi really put our backs into it this time. There were hardly any clouds to choose from today!"

"Well, I have to return home," I replied "Goodbye, Miss Rainbow Dash."

"See ya, John!" she said.

Then I went home. That is all that has happened so far today.

Well, diary, that is it. Nothing else happened today, which is exactly the way I like it. I opened my shop, sold two printer manuals, and then went home for the day. Now I am going to go to bed after eating supper.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which I Feel that I Have Become Reckless and Absurd.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Feel that I Have Become Reckless and Absurd.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was quite unusually exhilarating. I mean it, Diary. Today was very reckless. In fact, it was more reckless and unpredictable than any of my previous entries. Dear me, it must have been something I ate. It simply must have been. I cannot think of any other reason for my incredibly distressing behavior.

When I woke up this morning, you wouldn't be able to tell that anything was off. It just seemed normal for the time being. I stretched, yawned, then walked over to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. It wasn't until after getting out of my shower and walking into my room that I noticed what it was that was off today.

My bed wasn't yet made.

What am I, a slob? Of course not. The very thought of such grossly inappropriate behavior would never have crossed my mind at all before today. Yet there it was, staring me in the face. Frantically, I walked over to the bed and hastily made it again. My goodness gracious, I nearly had an inclination to almost practically come close to approach the point of having a heart attack.

But this was only the first in a series of very upsetting things that would happen today.

When I sat down for breakfast this morning, I distinctly remember pouring myself some oatmeal. As I was eating it, I couldn't help but notice that something about it tasted different. As I concluded my breakfast, I looked at the bag the oatmeal came in and I confess I nearly choked as I swallowed my final bite.

Deary me, diary, but I'm sorry that you have to see this: I ate the flavored oatmeal. I'm not sure how that wound up in my house, but there it was: flavored oatmeal. I must have accidentally purchased it while I was in a rush at the store earlier this week. I quickly disposed of the oatmeal hurriedly and made arrangements in my daily schedule to go to the store and buy regular oatmeal.

I went out, locked the door, and then made my way to the store to purchase some flavorless oatmeal (and perhaps some tea to calm my nerves, as well).

But to my shock and utter horror, I discovered that the store was out of flavorless oatmeal. What's more, the only oatmeal they had was one bit too expensive for me to afford. I wound up buying tea instead and decided to head back home to calm my nerves, which were getting a tad bit shaky.

When I went inside of my house, (and I cannot prepare you for what came next, Diary) (sorry for talking to you - I simply must remember that you are a book.) I sneezed. Me sneezing caused the hat holder to tip over. You read that correctly. The hat stand tipped over and fell onto the floor with a noise so abruptly loud that my nerves were jolted hopelessly and I nearly almost fainted with worry. I quickly picked up the hat holder and, trembling, I noticed the condition of my golf hat.

There, like a scene from a horror story, was a tear on my golf hat.

Since I have no experience in repairing even the smallest of tears, I had to turn to the only pony I knew who could repair such a nasty sight: Miss Rarity.

I left my house in such a hurry that I nearly forgot to lock it in my haste. After locking it, (and feeling very terrified of how unusual this day has become) I made my way over to the boutique of Miss Rarity.

She didn't seem to understand my worry when I got there, only saying things like "Really, John, it's no big deal" and "It's only a small rip, nothing more". How blind was she? The tear was almost a centimeter big. Almost a centimeter.

After I pushed and pushed for her to repair it, she finally agreed to do so. While Miss Rarity was repairing my clumsily damaged golf hat, I struck up a minor conversation with Miss Fluttershy, who happened to be in the shop at the same time, running an errand and picking up some clothes.

Then the unthinkable happened, Diary. The most absurd, ridiculous, improbable, out-of-control thing I have ever dared to do happened. It was so unrestrained and reckless that I am not even apologizing for talking to you again, Diary. That is simply how wild the situation became. I think it was because I wasn't paying attention to what I was saying, being too concerned with my golf hat to think of anything else.

For some reason, the conversation between me and Miss Fluttershy turned to the reckless sport of golf. I'm not sure how, and I have no clue why, but the conversation ended with me agreeing to meet Fluttershy out by the golf course next week for a game of the sport.

My word. Why? Of all days, why did I have to choose today to not pay attention to what I say? I dread the very thought of such an exhilarating sport of golf with such an out-of-control pony as Miss Fluttershy. My leg will be broken. I will get injured. Something dreadful is bound to happen. I haven't played golf since...

..Well, I simply haven't ever played golf.

Diary, I cannot afford to stay up any later writing in you. If anything else, I have to get some sleep to help balance out the utter absurdity of today. Maybe I will be feeling myself in the morning.

A golf game. Oh dear.

Well, goodnight Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which I Feel Scared and Play Golf While Terrified.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Feel Scared and Play Golf While Terrified.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today is the day that I am going to go play golf with Miss Fluttershy. How I find myself in these reckless and absurd situations is utterly beyond me. I swear, if I could go back in time and make sure I didn't do anything out of the ordinary, I would...

...

...On second thought, I wouldn't. That would be scary. Time travel is in and of itself a very reckless thing. I don't even want to think of such an abominable subject. It makes my stomach queasy and my head somewhat dizzy, which simply won't do. Oh, that reminds me - I have to eat breakfast still. Dear me, how in the world am I managing to become so irresponsible? Oh well. I suppose I should stop writing for the time being and get some food down before I go to golf today. The tea-off is at four o' clock.

Okay, diary, I'm about to leave for golf now. Between now and the previous paragraph, nothing much happened. This can only mean that I'm about to become very stressed very quickly when I play golf today. I'm not even sure why I have a golf-hat. The whole sport is ridiculously out-of-control. Oh dear. I'm so worried.

Well, on a lighter note, before I leave, I did sell two manuals at my store today. Both of them were air conditioner manuals (pretty average, if I do say so myself). In fact, if I didn't know what I was about to do, I would say that today was a great day. But, as I do know, today is about to become very bad very quickly.

As a matter-of-fact, I should stop writing right now. It's almost four o' clock in the afternoon.

I'm back from the game. My word, that was a nightmare.

When I got up to the golf course, I didn't see Miss Fluttershy at first, and (I sadly confess) I hoped that she was unable to attend and that I would come home to a note taped to my door explaining why. This was not the case.

Just as I was about to leave the course, I saw Miss Fluttershy approaching it along with her pet rabbit, Angel. Both of them were wearing golf hats and carrying golf bags. Of course, the rabbit's bag was quite smaller than a normal golf-bag; the mere thought of a rabbit trying to carry a pony-sized golf-bag is outrageous.

To tell the truth, I was terrified.

I was worried about all sorts of things throughout the entirety of the golf game, things like "What if I accidentally miss the ball and lose my grip on the club?" and "What if somepony accidentally swallows a ball?" (that can happen, you know) or, Heaven forbid it, "What if I look like a complete fool in front of all the others at the golf course because I'm not cut out for such a wild sport?"

All these thoughts were rushing through my head during the whole game between Miss Fluttershy, Angel, and myself. The only good that came of it, in my opinion, was when it ended. Don't get me wrong, though - Miss Fluttershy and her pet are very nice and kind, and I do not mind being in their company in the slightest. The simple fact remains that any game in which you have to hit objects with clubs sounds way too extreme for my tastes, thank you very much.

In the end, Angel came in first, having got nothing more than a hole-in-three on any of the holes (I suspect this is because he's a rabbit; rabbits are very good at getting things into holes in the ground, I mean, after all most live in holes in the ground). Miss Fluttershy got second, and I, of course, was last.

I do not care that I lost, though, diary. I'm just thankful that nothing dreadful happened. I've been having nightmares about this day during all of last week, and now that it's over I can enjoy a cup of tea, followed shortly by bed.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Cutie Marks and Spilled Tea.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Cutie Marks and Spilled Tea.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was going to be a normal day. I'm not quite sure what went wrong where, but I know that something did, and I am now very emotionally strained. I think I may have to have two more cups of tea in order to calm myself down. That sounds nice. Tea with sugar in it. I like tea. I like it relatively more than most other drinks, so I think I'll drink that to calm myself down. Those three fillies are scary. Yes, I find them scary. I'm going to get some tea after writing this. I need tea. I do need it a lot, you know, especially after I ran out today...

...

...I need to take a break from writing for a moment or two, diary, and I am going to, within that moment or two, go sip some tea. I like tea...

Diary, I just had the most delicious tea. Really, you should try it sometime. Here.

Oh, diary. Why did you have to go and spill more tea all over the place? Now I have to wipe it up. Oh my goodness, Diary. You should be ashamed of yourself. I like tea. Why did you have to spill tea? I like it. You know what, Diary? I think I need to get some rest. I feel very tired, you know. Resting in bed would help me recover from today's little incident. I will simply take a short nap is all, diary. I will be back soon enough...

Oh my word. What in the world was I thinking? I am back from my nap now. I really don't want to remember what happened today, but I do suppose that it needs to be written down. I apologize for my little incident with the tea. It makes my hooves almost tremble just to think of how wild I acted when I began writing my diary letter today. Goodness gracious, I cannot believe how scared I was. The golf game, the birthday party, and the lucky bit do not even begin to compare to the level of excitement that I have experienced today.

There is no need to write down my regular morning routine. I followed that to the letter, as is usual. It all began around twelve o' clock, I think, when I was sipping some... ...tea... ...and enjoying some crackers. You see, my shop was closed for the day, and I didn't have to worry about it. Today was going to be normal...

...and then I heard rapid knocking at the door. Upon opening it, I found myself looking into the eyes of three young fillies: Little Miss Scootaloo, Little Miss Sweetie Bell, and Little Miss Apple Bloom.

What followed next was a barrage of questions about me not having a cutie mark and how I managed to live such a peaceful life without one. I was slowly becoming unhinged, but that did not stop me from inviting them in to have tea.

Why I thought that was a good idea, I don't believe I will ever know. But I soon found myself in a most perilous situation. There were three fillies sitting at my table, bombarding me with cutie-mark related questions. You see, when I had told them that I had a cutie mark, but it was simply a green square the same color as the rest of my hair (I know this because the hair in my cutie-mark region has a somewhat different texture), they began asking more and more and more questions.

It was loud, terrifying, and horrific. I nearly fainted, I tell you. I nearly fainted. Then, the unthinkable happened.

Little Miss Scootaloo tripped, knocking Little Miss Apple Bloom over and causing Little Miss Sweetie Bell to fall off of her chair. One of them grabbed onto the tablecloth for support, causing it to be yanked right off of the table. Tea was spilled literally everywhere. I don't really remember what happened after that. I do believe that they said something about having to do something somewhere, and then darting out of the door. I was in shock for the rest of the afternoon.

Since then, I have cleaned up the mess, and I think it's time for me to get to bed. I really have to put this terrifying day behind me. I hope I don't have nightmares tonight. I really hope I don't.

Well, Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

P.S. I'm sorry for spilling tea all over you earlier, when I was still suffering from shock. That was rude and reckless of me. My apologies.

In Which I Lose My Keys.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Lose My Keys.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Dear Diary,

The most dreadful experience occurred today. I cannot state with enough emphasis how positively scared I was. I mean, of course, that I was not too terrified - that in and of itself is terrifying - rather that I was nearing the point of being terrified. I must apologize, by the way, for losing you, diary. It has been over a week and I am terribly sorry. Who would have thought that you where hiding between the herbal tea jar and the stack of unused copy paper? I certainly did not, of course, otherwise I would have found you sooner.

Oh dear. I am keeping you waiting yet even more, aren't I? You are probably just itching to know what it is that happened today. Well, I will tell you. It was a normal day up until I got home from the store. By the way, I sold an impressive 10 manuals today - a new record, I believe.

I had walked up to my door and was about to reach for my keys when it struck me most horribly - I had left my keys inside. There, sitting on the table in my kitchen (which I could see through the window in my house) were the golden keys I use to lock and unlock my home and my store. Gasping in horror, I began frantically pacing around my doormat, trying desperately to come up with a plan, but they all seemed to life-threatening to risk.

I was about to give up hope, when I heard a familiar voice (and you will have to pardon the improper grammar; I am merely attempting to accurately retell the conversation).

"Hey there, mister John! What're you doin'?! Walking in circles around the rug? Can I do it, too? It looks like fun!"

Before I could respond, I was rudely shoved off of the rug by none other than Miss Derpy Hooves. She began walking in circles upon my doormat, smiling happily at first. Gradually, however, she stopped smiling as she began to realize that it wasn't "fun" at all (not that I was attempting to have fun while worrying about my keys).

"Hey!" she said rather loudly "This isn't as fun as you made it look! Why isn't it?"

"Miss Derpy Hooves, I'm sorry, but that is not why I was pacing on my rug," I replied calmly "I was trying to come up with a plan. You see - my keys are in my home and I've locked myself out." I pointed at the keys in the window to help her understand.

Then she laughed at me, misunderstanding me entirely.

"Why did you do that, John? That doesn't make much sense!"

I almost sighed in exasperation, but that would have been quite rude of me. So, instead, I made the mistake of asking Miss Derpy Hooves to help me.

I will never make that mistake again.

...

That was, possibly, the worst mistake I've made this year...

...

...I am not exaggerating, Diary. You know me. I would not exaggerate anything. It would be very unorthodox and very wrong of me to do such a thing, so trust me when I say that it was the worst mistake I've made to date this year.

Then Miss Derpy Hooves smiled.

"Of course! I'd love to! And I know just how to get your keys!"

I smiled in relief, falsely believing that Derpy would get them without causing damage to my home. I was terribly mistaken.

I'm... ...I can't say what happened next. All that I know is that, when the smoke cleared, my house was no more. Miss Derpy Hooves flew out of the wreckage smiling, carrying the keys. She then kindly unlocked the door for me and let me into what used to be my house. Then she flew away, remarking about how I should get the walls looked at because they aren't very sturdy.

Right now I am writing this in the park. I have no clue what I'm going to do, Diary. My home is literally gone. It is completely and utterly gone. The only things I managed to salvage from the wreckage were you and some tea bags.

I'm too tired to talk about it anymore, diary. I think I'll find a park bench to sleep on tonight. Maybe by morning I will be able to find somewhere to live until my house can be repaired.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which Things Start Getting Better.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which Things Start Getting Better.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry that I didn't write in you yesterday. I was simply too busy. Firstly, I could not stand sleeping out in the park bench. Wrecked or not, my house is the only place to sleep that isn't too exciting. I went home and found my bed amid the ruins, shoved some broken support beams off, and then went to sleep.

Upon waking up, I went to what used to be my kitchen and prepared breakfast as best as I could. Fortunately, the stove survived and I was able to heat up some water to make tea and oatmeal. After breakfast, I set about the business of retrieving as much from the rubble as I could. It would appear that I was mistaken yesterday, as there was a lot more that survived the accident then I had initially suspected.

My manual for the E.S. 000 survived, fortunately, as did my toothbrush, toothpaste, and some bits. I could not find much else. Not that I had much else to find. I make it a point not to own too many things, which could lead to excitement and excitement, as you know, is very unhealthy for ponies such as myself.

As I was retrieving what few items I had from the wreckage from my home, I promptly decided to temporarily move into my store. While I was about to leave, however, I noticed that it was time for me to open up my store. Of course, I was already on my way there, Diary, so I simply continued walking.

What happened next, Diary, was very nice. In fact, it was the thing which made me feel less upset over the whole matter. Miss Derpy Hooves walked into my store. Of course, at this point my heart began racing terribly in anticipation of another rather reckless incident. Quite the opposite happened, however. She needed to buy an air-conditioning manual. I forgot what for, however. I was too distracted by how she was acting. She seemed to be shy and embarrassed. I don't quite know why she was, but before I thought to ask, she left.

A few minutes later, Miss Rarity came into the store in need of a sewing machine manual. After buying it, she left rather quickly. I wondered what was going on still, and hoped it wasn't too exciting.

Throughout the day, at about minute-long intervals, Miss Twilight Sparkle came in needing a manual for a magic-powered science machine, Miss Apple Jack bought a sprinkler manual, Miss Fluttershy purchased a manual for a pet-feeder, Miss Rainbow Dash bought a flight navigator manual, and Miss Pinkie Pie purchased a manual for an oven. Those were only the ponies whose names I remember, however. Pony after pony went into my store, buying manuals until I was completely out of stock.

I was about to close the store, when Miss Derpy Hooves came in, still shy. I asked her what was bothering her. Then she told me. She was feeling bad about wrecking my house. It took her until the next morning to realize what she did, and it was making her very upset. The reason that no pony had passed by my ruined house while I was in it was because Miss Derpy Hooves had, with the mayor's help, held a town-wide meeting. They all decided to each come by my store and buy one manual until I was out of stock, to help pay for the repairs needed to fix my home.

I was not sure what to say, but that has to be one of the nicest things anypony has done for me. I simply must find a way to thank Miss Derpy Hooves later on.

As for today, Diary, nothing much happened. I need to re-stock my store, and until the construction crew arrives I will have to live here. That is fine, though. I have a back room big enough to hold my bed and my tea and oatmeal, and there is a distinct lack of exciting things happening here. I do believe that I will enjoy a break from all this ridiculous excitement.

Well, I must go to bed now.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Oddities and Alicorns.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Oddities and Alicorns.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was rather out-of-the-ordinary. I mean, of course, apart from the fact that I am still living in my store, which is rather unnerving still. I'd much rather be in my comfortable home, thank you kindly.

But dear me, I'm getting very off topic. The point of me writing was to point out that there is a new pony in town. She is very... ...interesting. Too interesting, in my opinion.

I actually met her as she walked into my store today. I know that a pony cannot help how she looks, but I must say, simply between you and me, diary, that she looked positively... ...um...

...

...I cannot think of a kind word, so I will just say what is on my mind. You'll have to pardon the crude language, Diary, but she looked obnoxious and irritating.

I know it is not like me to be so blunt, but like I said, I cannot think of another word to describe such a pony. She had... ...well, she was an alicorn, firstly. Which confused me. Why in Equestria is an alicorn in Ponyville? More importantly, why would I not have heared about such a pony? Alicorns are all royalty. So it stands to reason that she would be in the reference books in Miss Twilight Sparkle's library, but just a few minutes ago I got through looking through the reference books, fearing that I may offend a royal pony by not knowing what role they play (despite the fact that such matters are way too big and exciting for a simple stallion such as myself).

I could not find a single mention of Miss "BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine" anywhere. It was most confounding.

I am getting ahead of myself. I apologize again. Anyway, Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine barged (rather rudely) into my store. Words cannot describe how shocked I was when I saw her sparkling black-and-purple mane, green eyes, golden shoes, and...

...sorry, I had to get a drink of water. Where was I? Oh yes. She had a cutie mark that was very detailed. I cannot even begin to describe it. She told me that it meant something in Japanese, but I personally believe she was greatly exaggerating the truth.

She walked into my store and teleported a whole variety of packages into their proper places on my shelves - you name it, it was there. My store was re-stocked. But I wasn't too happy. I daresay I was terrified.

After she "helped" me, I got up the wits to ask her what her name was. Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine quickly told me and immediately launched me into a long, complicated (and probably fabricated) story of her life which, despite how rude it sounds, I would much rather not listen to.

She told me all sorts of terribly unreal things which I could not care less to hear. She was saying things about wars and romances and nobility and the like. Apparently, she is even the third sister to Luna and Celestia. I know for a fact she was lying about that.

I thanked her for giving me the packages (somewhere in her endless babble of speech she had told me that she was the new pony in town and also had a job for the postal service) and promptly (but not rudely) asked her to leave.

Then she stared at me in a very uncomfortable fashion... ...I think she was trying to woo me or something of that nature. Whatever it was, it had no effect but to make me more uncomfortable and annoyed.

Eventually she left me. I daresay I was very confused and began research immediately. So far I have found absolutely nothing about her. Hopefully I will be able to find out quite what she is up to in a few days...

...or maybe I will not.

Either way, I am terribly disturbed by the events of today. Nonetheless, I must not judge another pony so harshly. I will see if I can get to know Miss Blue Moon CrystalSparkle Shine-Shine better over the next few days. Maybe I have her all wrong.

Well, all this worrying can get me no-where fast. I must simply go to bed and forget the incident for now. Good night, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which I Discover Facts and Help a Friend.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Discover Facts and Help a Friend.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today I went about gathering all the information that I could about Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine, and I regret to say that my initial suspicions were true - she is a liar.

When I first woke up and then folded my sheets and took a shower and ate breakfast and brushed my teeth, I decided it was time I visited Miss Twilight Sparkle asked her if she had found anything about Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine. When I arrived at her house and asked her, it turns out that there is no mention in any of the Equestrian history books of the mare. Surely there would be, though. Alicorns can live for thousands of years, so it stands to reason that she would be ancient. As I have said, however, there is no mention of her anywhere in any history books.

After searching for several hours, Miss Twilight Sparkle and I could find nothing. Wishing her a good day, I left the library perplexed. Then I ran into Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine again.

She was flying "gracefully" towards me. I put "gracefully" in quotation marks is because it was not very graceful at all. In fact, I was initially alarmed.

"Why, Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine. You are flying oddly. Is anything wrong? Are you injured?"

She laughed (and, incidentally, hurt my ears due to the high pitch of her laugh) and told me that she was perfect...

...I think she meant to say "perfectly fine", but I could not tell. Either way, she then told me she was busy and had many important things to do. In between her words, she blinked and fluttered her eyes so much that I am sure she had a nervous tick. I do believe she should see somepony about that.

As it turns out, we were heading in the same direction. I daresay that I was not in the mood to talk to her, but since that would have been rude, I tried starting a conversation by asking her what she was doing in Ponyville.

I cannot quite recall the conversation, other than the general feeling of uneasiness that radiated from her. I did not like it one bit. I am sorry for being so judgemental, Diary, but you simply must understand - she seems to think that the universe is centered around her. Everything out of her mouth was about her great accomplishments and wonders and how tragic and beautiful her life was and all sorts of things.

She didn't even answer my question.

Oh, and apparently she is not only working for the postal service, but also the construction crew. She walked right up to my house, which we passed on the way to my store, and promptly began hammering things, sawing wood, and pouring concrete, careful not to get a speck of dirt on her, I might add.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Oh, silly John," she replied "I am also the construction worker in town. Isn't that just cute of me? I got the job when my sisters Celestia and Luna banished me for looking too beautiful and..."

She continued on for several minutes, lying through her teeth. I will not wear myself out by repeating some of the awful lies that she said, but I will say that it only lessened my opinion of her. When I saw the opportunity to leave her, I gladly took it and walked as quickly as I could to my store.

When I went inside though, Diary, I found somepony who I did not expect to see- Miss Derpy Hooves. She was sulking and looking all around the "neatly" packed shelves which Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine had filled.

"Why, whatever is the matter, Miss Derpy?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry John! There was this alicorn and she stole all the packages and told me that she was the new postal pony in town! And she said I was fired for being ugly! And then she took my hat!"

Miss Derpy Hooves was on the point of tears. I was, in every sense of the word, outraged. This was the first time in my life I have felt so disgusted with a pony, and if Miss BlueMoon intends to stay, I daresay it won't be the last time. After I managed to calm down Miss Derpy and gave her some tea and crackers, I had her sit in the back room on a chair for a while.

I quickly wrote the following note:

"Saturday, September 8, 2012

Dear Miss Fluttershy,

Miss Derpy Hooves is feeling very depressed. Perhaps you have or perhaps you have not heard about Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine, the new pony in town. If Miss Derpy is to be believed, I daresay that Miss BlueMoon is nothing short of a complete bully. She took Miss Derpy's job (illegaly, I might add) earlier this week and, regardless of whether or not Derpy really has been fired (something I highly doubt, having met Miss BlueMoon and being quite aware of her way of fabricating the truth), she treated Miss Derpy Hooves in a very unrespectful, mean, and very inconsiderate manner.

I write this note to tell you that Miss Derpy is in tears right now, and, since you are such a kind pony, I would humbly request that you would cheer Miss Derpy up.

Thank you very much. I pray that you can help Miss Derpy, since I am not very well acquainted with the talent of cheering up others.

Sincerely,

John"

I then promptly sealed the letter in an envelope and called Miss Derpy out of the back room. Handing her the note, I told her that I needed it to be taken to Miss Fluttershy as quickly as possible. I told her that it was top secret and could not be even peeked at, but that the only mailpony (or ex-mailpony) I could trust was her, and definitely not Miss BlueMoon. My heart felt warmed by the smile on Miss Derpy's face as she gave me a rather painful hug and then darted out of my shop.

Unnerved but happy, I spent the rest of my day organizing my shelves the correct way.

That is all I have for now, Diary. Goodnight.

Sincerely,

John

In Which My House is Repaired and I Recieve an Uninvited Guest.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which My House is Repaired and I Recieve an Uninvited Guest.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Dear Diary,

Words alone cannot describe how simply angered I am by recent events. Under normal circumstances, I would be most delighted by my house having been repaired, but these circumstances are anything but normal. Of course, being normal is exactly what I need my days to become again. Dear me, you are possibly wondering still, Diary. How un-thoughtful of me, to keep putting off the topic. That is only the sort of thing that young hooligans do moments before doing very exciting things. I shudder to think of what I am becoming. Nonetheless, I will make things bland and normal once again, even if I have to do something interesting trying.

Oh goodness, why do I not just get on with what happened today?

Well, Diary, (Oh my goodness. How long have I been talking to you in my diary entries? Why, these events must really have shaken me up. Under normal circumstances I would have noticed such deviant behavior.) today my house was repaired completely. I suppose that is, in and of itself, very good news.

You see, I woke up this morning and had only just finished my morning routine when I noticed that somepony was entering the store. I walked up to the front desk and made sure that nothing was sitting on it (decorations are most overrated, after all) and then paused in fear. Or, well, almost fear.

Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine was standing there, limping towards me. I daresay that, though I may not be very fond of this particular alicorn or her selfish ways, she did look quite injured. Naturally, of course, I asked what was the matter.

"Oh, John!" she said rather loudly. Forgive me for the exclamation point. I am merely retelling the story with accuracy. "I was just finishing up your house, when I was attacked!"

"Attacked?" I asked. Goodness. It sounded terrifying.

"Yes, my love! Attacked!" I shall stop here and let you know that I began feeling most uncomfortable with the way she called me her love. It was... ...rather unsettling. "I was just finishing the final touches on your house, when three ninja changelings..." and then I stopped listening. Obviously, this pony was lying once again. I may be bland, but I am not stupid. I assumed she was injured, however (better safe than sorry), and that she must be lying to cover up an embarrassing fact about the way she was injured.

She seemed a tad bit disappointed when I called the hospital.

"What are you doing, John?" she asked, adding a very fake-sounding cough to the end of her sentence.

"I am calling the hospital. You obviously need to be treated immediately."

"But can't you treat me?!" She said as she swooned and fainted in my direction. I quickly caught her and quickly set her on the ground. I would like to avoid all contact with such a liar, if it is at all possible.

"Me?" I asked "But I am no doctor. I would probably cause more damage than good. Besides, there is a carriage on its way right now. You are going to be fine."

When the hospital carriage finally arrived, several stallions loaded her up and took her away. I think I may have caught a glimpse of her glaring at me as they left. I ignored it.

After the store closed for the day, I immediately walked over to my house to see what it looked like. Not to look a gift-horse in the mouth, of course, but I had this nagging suspicion that Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine had taken some "creative" liberties with the reconstruction of my home. I was correct.

It's not that anything had changed since my previous home's look (In fact, that is a little scary. How did she know what my house used to look like?). It's that there was a new door and a new room in my house. My heart jumped a little bit when I saw it and the sign on it. The sign which read "BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine's Room".

Oh Diary, what am I going to do? I have to think of something. I just have to.

Wait...

...

...I have it. I will not tell you yet, Diary. I have a feeling that Miss BlueMoon will be snooping around here after she returns from the hospital. I will wait until morning, when that alicorn will undoubtedly be back.

Well, it is getting late. I shall see how this plan turns out tomorrow.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Ninja Changelings and a Return to Normality.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Ninja Changelings and a Return to Normality.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Dear Diary,

This is it. Today I am going to begin my attempt at getting rid of Miss BlueMoon. Royalty or not, she simply must go. She is rude, greedy, selfish, and very annoying. I do not enjoy calling another pony such things, but that is simply the way it is. I have to do something about it. Well, there is no use talking about it so I might as well get to work.

Hi Diary! This is John! Yep! It's not anyone else! It's definately not BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine, the most cutest and sexiest and beautiful most awesome mare ever! She is so HAWT!!1!1!!! I am gonna marry her because I think shes' so hawt!! (Isnt' that just so kawaii?!?! ^^) The reason I used to think she was annoying was because I had a spell put on me by an evil enchanter person, who was jealous! But BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine with her rainbow-colored cutie mark (idk what it meenz, k? I dont speek japanese ^_^; ) defeeted the bad guy and his army of ninja changelings and set me free!!! YAY!!1!1!1!!!!

Uh-Oh. Sounds like John- I MEAN SOMEONE, since I'm John and not anypony else XD- is coming home from his work at that ugly appliance store. I have to go now.

Good heavens. Oh no. Diary. What happened to you? It looks like Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine has written in you and impersonated me...

That is correct, Diary. I am angry enough to use two exclamation points this time. That is just unbelievable. I would strike through the offensive text, but I fear that would look most irregular and only draw attention to it more.

Well, apart from you having been written in (Make that three exclamation points!), there is nothing bad that has happened today. In fact, it went rather well. Miss BlueMoon SparkleCrystal Shine-Shine was arrested. You see, as I told her to, Miss Twilight Sparkle had written a letter to Princess Celestia, informing her that Miss BlueMoon was impersonating royalty. Just as I came home from work (to find that irritating mare swooning right and left over a fake injury), I heard knocking at the door. Before I could do anything, Miss BlueMoon had rushed to the door and opened it, yelling very awful things at whoever was "interrupting" her.

I will not repeat what she said.

When she looked at who was at the door, I could have sworn that she lost some color. Princess Celestia herself was standing there, along with many royal guards, and Miss BlueMoon was promptly arrested on the spot.

All in all, Diary. It was a good day...

...in spite of you having been written in.

Well, it is getting rather late. I am looking foreward to a return to the way things should be. Good night, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

P.S. I think I have to do something about that extra room.

P.P.S. I know I do not usually use "P.S." at the end of my entries, Diary, but I do need to remind myself of that.

P.P.P.S. Sorry for talking to you. You are, in fact, an inanimate object and I have been through this before.

P.P.P.P.S...

...oh, forget it.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Helping Friends and Using Spare Rooms.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Helping Friends and Using Spare Rooms.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, here I go again. Another average day. I do enjoy average days quite nicely. They are just so normal and predictable. There are no monsters, no fights, no drama-sessions, and no disturbing discoveries. It is simply a matter of routine, something I am most grateful for.

I have just finished my morning routine and I am about to read some more in my manual. This...

...Hold on. There is somepony knocking at the door. It sounds rather urgent, too. Oh dear. I was hoping today would be normal. Well, I suppose I should see who it is.

Goodness me, it was simply terrible news. It was most awful. Miss Twilight Sparkle was at the door with a most urgent request. I do not believe I can re-tell the conversation with complete accuracy, but I will do my best.

"Goodness me. Whatever is the matter, Miss Twilight Sparkle?" I asked.

"John, it's really bad news!" She said in a rather desparate and worried voice. "I was practicing a teleporting spell which would work on larger objects, and Spike just happened to sneeze while I was casting it, and then green flames covered the house and... ...well, the library was teleported! All of it was, along with everything inside of it!"

I almost fainted from the worry. It came as quite a shock, I tell you.

"John," she continued "Rainbow Dash, Applejack and I are going to go on a quest to look for the house. Pinkie Pie already has her hooves full with the Cakes' kids, and Fluttershy is out of town. Rarity says she could watch Spike until the weekend, but then she and her family are leaving for a small vacation. I hate to ask you for so much, but I don't want to take Spike with us all over the country. It would be a bit too stressful for such a young dragon. So... ...could you please watch Spike for the weekend and week after that? I know it's a long time, but we won't be back until then, based on my calculations of where the house could be."

I was struck by the distraught voice Miss Twilight Sparkle had. I simply could not speak.

"...uh, John?"

Finally gathering my senses, I realized that I simply should not refuse. Miss Twilight Sparkle is a friend, and she has done more than her share of helping me. I simply had to return the favor.

"Of course, Miss Twilight Sparkle. In fact, I have a spare room just for Spike."

I confess that it warms my heart to think of the smile and big (albeit reckless) hug that Miss Twilight Sparkle gave me when she heard me say that. It feels good to help a friend in such a way, in spite of how unusual and un-normal it may be.

Well, now it is time for me to go to bed. I did not ask Miss Twilight Sparkle about any of the things that young Mr. Spike may need, but I assume that he would be able to tell me.

Other than my conversation with Miss Twilight Sparkle, nothing much happened. I sold three manuals today, I had supper, and I finished reading through the manual for the E.S. 000 again (that book will never tire me).

Well, Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Jewel Bags and Unwanted Wallpaper.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Jewel Bags and Unwanted Wallpaper.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, today is the day that young Mr. Spike will begin his stay at my home. I do hope that no fire incidents occur. I am not scared of young Mr. Spike, mind you - he's a very nice young dragon from what I've been able to gather - it is simply the worry of what recently happened to Miss Twilight Sparkle's house.

Then again, of course, I do not practice magic, so the likelihood of my house being teleported by a mixture of fire and magic is very small.

Oh dear, I am still so dreadfully worried. What if young Mr. Spike has a diet which consists of something exciting? I do not have exciting things in my home, I am a mere land pony. I could not possibly afford a reckless journey off to collect some sort of dragon food.

Oh my goodness, what if young Mr. Spike does not care too much for my normal ways? Oh goodness. I do hope that he likes oatmeal and tea. I...

...I am being so ridiculous. I should not be worrying. Who, by worrying, can add a single day to their life? I know that I cannot, and so I will not. Granted, of course, that I will not simply forget the important things in life, such as oatmeal and tea. That reminds me, I have groceries that I need to purchase today. I am running low on tea.

All in all, I am sure that everything will be fine. Now, if you will excuse me, I must get on with my normal, non-worry-filled day. I have to open my shop and I have to purchase some groceries afterwords.

Well, I am back from my day. Today I sold a single manual, one for a garbage disposal. I did not even know I had one of those, but apparently I do. Or, rather, I did. I sold it, so it is no longer in my store now.

I also have purchased oatmeal and tea.

Okay, I have just heard someone knocking at my door. I suppose it will be young Mr. Spike.

Well, tonight was a lot better than I assumed it would be. When I opened the door, young Mr. Spike was standing there with a rather dream-like smile on his face. In his hands he carried both a small suitcase and a bag of jewels. Apparently, Miss Rarity had given the jewels to him as a brief parting gift. At least, that is what I could gather through his dreamy sighs as he stepped in and blew a kiss to the departing mare.

What a reckless young dragon. Blowing kisses? My word. Fortunately (I suppose), Miss Rarity did not seem to mind as she smiled and blew one back at the young dragon. What two reckless individuals. Sometimes I wonder how I can understand other ponies... ...or dragons. Well, not other dragons, I suppose, since I am not a dragon.

I am getting off topic again. Sorry.

As I was saying, after young Mr. Spike was dropped off at my house, I showed him to his room, the guest room that Miss BlueMoon had... ..."provided" me with. I daresay he looked somewhat shocked. Perhaps it was the vibrant pink wallpaper, or maybe the purple hearts and fluffly carpet. Whatever the case, young Mr. Spike froze in place for a few seconds.

I do understand, though. It must be terribly hard to live in such a catastrophically reckless room. I know that I felt dizzy just looking at it. I apologized to young Mr. Spike and explained that it was all I had. He told me it was okay, after saying "Um... ...Uh... ...that's...."

In order to apologize for such a terrible room (I really should have thought of that earlier), I invited young Mr. Spike to have some tea and crackers with me. He agreed, and we were soon having a very...

...slow conversation at the table.

"So, young Mr. Spike," I asked "how are you today?"

"Uh... ...great," He replied "Um... ...is this... ...all you eat? Crackers?"

"Of course not, young Mr. Spike," I said, and I was quite telling the truth. He looked relieved when I said that. "I also eat toast and, of course, oat meal. But mostly just oat meal."

"Oh..." he replied rather slowly. I do believe that dragons must have different diets. Oh, I just knew it. I should have gotten some tofu. Everypony knows that that is what dragons eat the most.

Anyway, the conversation continued.

"That's... ...interesting." he said, before sipping some tea.

"Yes, quite. I do enjoy oatmeal," I said plainly and with a smile on my face.

...

...The rest of the conversation was full of very awkward silence, I must say. The only noise I could hear was the clock ticking on the wall across from us. It was somewhat uncomfortable. After a while, he spoke up again.

"Well, uh... ...thanks, John, for... ...taking me in while Twilight's gone. I, um... ...I feel tired," He said with a fake-sounding yawn. I would normally consider him a liar, but I do suppose that dragon yawns must sound very different thant he normal yawns of ponies such as myself.

I promptly showed him the bathroom and the toothpaste, and soon he was in bed. I must have mis-judged young Mr. Spike. He was in bed a full hour before I was. My, what a responsible young dragon. I bet (not really. Betting is wrong. I would never do something so reckless and irresponsible, you know) that Miss Twilight Sparkle is very proud of her young assistant.

Well, I have a big day tomorrw, so goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which I Return from Work to Find an Awkward Entry.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Return from Work to Find an Awkward Entry.

Sunday, September 15, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, this morning I woke up to find quite a shock. Young Mr. Spike, bless him, attempted to make me breakfast. Apparently, however, he was not used to making oatmeal or tea, and there was quite a large mess in the kitchen. I had to refrain from screaming at the absolutely terrifying sight of all that oatmeal burnt everywhere.

In order to relieve any fears that young Mr. Spike had, however, I managed to force myself to smile and I promptly told him that on my way home from work today, I would purchase some more oatmeal and, possibly, whatever food it is that young Mr. Spike was used to eating. He seemed rather happy with that.

Then he told me what it was he usually eats, apart from jewels.

He enjoys apples, eggs, and sometimes bacon. Goodness me. Apparently, I was dreadfully mistaken about the diets of dragons. My goodness. Would tofu have poisoned young Mr. Spike? I shudder to think of it. What a horrible thought.

Well, it is almost time for me to head to work. I shall try to remember what it is that young Mr. Spike wants from the store. I simply must be off now.

Spike's Journal

September 15th, 2012

Well, John's finally left, so I guess now I have the chance to write, huh? It's kinda odd, though. I thought I put my journal somewhere else last. Oh well. Anyway, John's gone now so I finally have a chance to write my entry for the day.

Twilight told me to practice my writing every day, and even though I would rather be sleeping or eating right now, I should probably do just that. Oh well.

Nothing much has happened yet. Oh my gosh, it's so boring here! John's a nice dude, but really? Oatmeal and crackers? And that's not all! I didn't get a chance to write it yesterday (my picture of me and Rarity took up the whole page), but the wallpaper in the guest room is pink and purple. You heard me right. PINK. AND. PURPLE. Ugh. It's so girly!

And on the door it says that it belongs to some "BlueMoon Crystal Shine-Shine Sparkle" or whatever. I think she was that annoying mare who blew into town. You remember her, right? She was pretty much the worst jerk to ever enter Ponyville. Next to Discord.

And Nightmare Moon.

And that Iron Will guy.

Okay, fine. But still! She was real mean. I dunno why she decided to treat what's-her-name (Derpy? Yeah! Derpy) like that. And I heard that she re-built John's house. Guess that would explain the awful room.

Poor John. I feel kinda bad for the pony. I mean, really. That BlueMoon chick was AWFUL. Why she went after John like that confused everyone in town, I think.

Anyway, I guess that's enough writing for today. I oughtta...

...wait...

...

OH MY GOSH!!! IS THIS JOHN'S DIARY?!!?!

Dear John,

I'm really really really really really really sorry! I accidentally wrote in your diary thinking it was my journal! They both look the same, you know? I mean, I saw the blank page and just assumed I'd put my journal in the kitchen instead of the guest room. Please forgive me, dude! I'm really sorry! PLEASE don't read what I wrote in here! PLEASE!

-Spike

Well, Diary, that was very scary. It would appear that young Mr. Spike accidentally wrote in here, mistaking this book for his own journal. Of course, I do forgive him, he clearly did not know any better, but I was rather taken aback by all the exclamation points he put in his note to me. Oh well. At least he thought to cross out his accidental entry. I would not have taken so much as a peek as is, mind you, but the thought of accidentally reading someone else's private thoughts is quite unnerving.

Oh, and the reason I preferred him crossing out his thoughts here and the reason that I did not cross out the entry in Miss BlueMoon's section was simply because his thoughts were more private (and true) than that other pony's.

Well, it is getting late and it is time for me to get to bed.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Nothing Much.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Nothing Much.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today nothing much happened.

I am not making that up.

There was not much to even write about concerning how things are going with young Mr. Spike in my house. I mean that. There was literally almost nothing that happened. Just the way I like it.

Well, this entry is actually turning out to be absurdly short. I sold four manuals, had tea, ate crackers and oatmeal, and that's about it.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Pancakes and Assistants.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Pancakes and Assistants.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was most absurd. I woke up and, upon finishing my morning routine of course, I went into the kitchen to discover young Mr. Spike having made pancakes for me for breakfast.

Now, his intent was certainly fair enough, but I am most concerned that if this happens again, I may have a heart attack from excitement. I was disturbed, but knowing that I could not show how overwhelmed I was, I simply smiled and greeted young Mr. Spike. Soon after that, we were sitting at the table eating pancakes.

I know, it is most distressing. I had to work my way through not one, but two of them. Smiling, I attempted to pull off a look of satisfaction. It was very difficult, though. Pancakes are so full of flavor and so full of excitement that it was disruptive and terrifying to eat them. I was very much scared for my life.

Nonetheless, I was able to finish breakfast and head to work. Or, rather, I was about to head to work, when young Mr. Spike began begging me to give him something to do. Apparently, he is becoming absurdly bored with how his stay at my house is, and wishes to become my temporary assistant. I decided that it would be well to give the young dragon something to do, so I gladly allowed him to come with me and help me at my store.

Well, today was most pleasant. I sold a single manual today. It was quite nice. I believe, though, that young Mr. Spike was very shocked at how exciting my store could be. We walked in, and he stared blankly at the place for several minutes. Perhaps it was all a bit overwhelming to him, because the next thing I knew he stumbled and made a bookshelf fall over. I would have assumed that he was faking just to cause something to happen under normal circumstances, but I do believe it was the overwhelming amount of excitement to be found in my store.

He quickly said "Oops! Oh well. Guess I better organize it, huh?" and promptly went to work.

Young Mr. Spike spent the rest of the day organizing books, mopping the already-mopped-floor, and finding the smallest amount of things to do. Who knew that dragons were so obsessed with cleanliness? I certainly did not.

Anyways, it is getting pretty late, and I should definitely head to bed right now.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Tea and Crackers.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Tea and Crackers.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Dear Diary,

Oh, it was most out-of-the ordinary. I was about to brush my teeth, when I noticed that my tooth-paste tube was clogged yet again. I squeezed the tube of tooth-paste again and again. Eventually, it gave with a rather loud "pop" sound. I was most frightened. Goodness me. The mess it made all over the sink was also rather distressing. I have just finished cleaning up the tooth-paste which was spilled everywhere. I do hope nothing like that ever happens again.

Anyway, I have finished breakfast, and I do think that I will take a brief stroll down to the store to purchase more tooth-paste - after having some tea, that is. I do believe some tea is in order so that I may calm myself down.

Oh dear me, it would appear that I am out of crackers to go with my tea. I simply cannot drink my tea without having crackers to go with it. I shall put that on my shopping list for today.

Well, I am back from the store. Goodness me, there was a rather large line in the place. I was dreadfully worried. It took the entirety of five minutes to get down through the check-out line.

Some mares were purchasing large amounts of hay, some stallions had new horse-shoes to buy, and I cannot even begin to mention the amount of crying, screaming young fillies which were in line with their unfortunate parents. Some of the hooligans were switching groceries around.

My goodness, I am half-afraid that I may have wound up with sweet-tea and extra-salty crackers...

...

...never mind. That is simply foolish. There is no way that I could have accidentally purchased something so reckless and distressing. I do not know what I was thinking. I was dreadfully stressed. It is very nice to have made it back.

Well, since I am now back, I shall proceed to have some crackers and tea.

Oh goodness me, I cannot do that. It is almost exactly one o' clock. I must leave and open my store. The tea and crackers will have to wait.

My goodness, it was most distressing at the store today. A customer came in wanting a specific manual and it turned out that I did not have it. I could not believe it. I told the customer I would immediately send an order for it when I returned home from work (since I do not have any writing paper at my store (that would be most reckless (as is all of these parentheses (I should definitely stop such nonsense immediately)))).

It would appear that I do not have any postage stamps. I will have to go down to the post office and purchase a new set there. My goodness, how could I forget something so vital? All of this worry will only make me more thirsty.

As soon as I get back, I should have some more tea.

Dear me. Well, that was a relief. I had enough bits to purchase some new stamps. And guess what? They had plain grey stamps on sale. It was most exciting (not too exciting, though) to have such a wonderful color of stamps. Wait, should I spell "colour" like "colour" or "color"? Oh dear. Which is it?

I cannot continue writing until I have figured this out. I shall consult the Mare-ian Webster's dictionary immediately.

Oh, I was worried for nothing. As it turns out, the spelling of that particular word is correct either way. Well, that is quite a relief.

As I was saying, gray is a most wonderful color...

...wait...

..."Grey"? Or "gray"? My goodness. Not again. Grey sounds right, but so does gray. Oh, Heaven have mercy. I am so distressed over the matter. Let me check the dictionary again.

Oh, well I am becoming such a worried stallion. As it turns out, I can spell it either way.

Well, grey is a very nice color. Yes, gray is a very nice colour (my apologies for such recklessness, but I simply could not resist the urge to attempt both spellings. I should really calm myself... ...I know. I shall have tea and crackers, as I have always wanted today).

Yes, I do believe that now I shall have the tea and crackers.

Ah. That hit the spot. Some nice tea and nice crackers to go with it.

Well, goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which I Purchase Shampoo.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Purchase Shampoo.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Dear Diary,

It was most dreadful. Today, after taking my shower, I discovered that I was out of Gen n' Eric's name brand shampoo. My goodness, what was I to do? I daresay that I acted rather out-of-control and wild. My apologies, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I had no choice but to fill the shampoo bottle with water in order to get what remained of it out.

I would never dream of doing such an atrocious thing in my life, but I had to. You must understand - I simply had to if I was to finish my shower, eat breakfast, brush my teeth, fold my blankets, check my mailbox, and depart to the store to purchase more shampoo.

I was so nervously distressed that, I must confess, I almost nearly ran to the store. You heard me correctly. I almost ran. I was simply that distressed.

Upon arriving there, I had to scan up and down the aisles for what seemed to be hours, searching left and right for just the right shampoo, but I could not find Gen n' Eric's anywhere. Then, the worst thing possible happened. It was as if my life had suddenly become a living, breathing horror story.

They were out of stock.

Oh the irony. I had recently gone out of stock of a certain type of manuals yesterday, and now I was feeling the hard blows of such a conundrum.

As I returned to the shampoo aisle, I looked far and wide for the least interesting shampoo in the store, and I had narrowed it down to two equally deplorable choices:

Barry's Berry Scented Shampoo, or Flora's Flower Scented Shampoo.

I could not decide. I was at my wit's end. I had to choose quickly.

In the end, I decided that Barry's Berry Scented Shampoo (while not very un-scented) was at least intended for both stallions and mares, whereas Flora's Flower Scented Shampoo was strictly for mares only. As I crept back to the counter, placing my order, I could not bring myself to look the cashier in the face, for fear of what they would have thought of me.

I then trotted sullenly back to my home, despondent and worried. Now I shall smell like berries until the store's stock of Gen n' Eric's name brand shampoo refills.

Goodness me, I haven't stopped thinking of it all day.

Well, I suppose that this is it. Goodnight, Diary. I pray to live to see tomorrow night.

Sincerely,

John

Of Tissues and Sneezing.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Tissues and Sneezing.

Sunday, September 22, 2012

Dear Diary,

I am so very sorry, but it would appear that I have a cold. I woke up this morning feeling mildly sick, and I cannot seem to stop sneezing. My goodness. I do not recall feeling this way since I had a cold last year. My goodness gracious, I feel so...

...my apologies. I had to stop writing because I felt a sneeze about to happen. I have been in bed all of the day, and I do believe I have nearly gone through all of my tissue paper. I do hope I get well by tomorrow. I have a store to run, after all, and there is a package which should arrive and which a customer is expecting. I simply cannot miss such an important thing.

I have taken some cold medicine now. That seems to be helping me somewhat. My sneezes are less frequent now, at least. At least I have the manual for the E.S. 000 to read as well. That is quite nice. It is a very quaint pass-time. Not to mention the tea and crackers I have...

Oh dear. Oh my goodness gracious. I have sneezed while writing my name. Oh my goodness. Now I have quite a large ink stain all over my diary page. Good heavens. I...

...That one was close. I almost sneezed again. I should stop writing. That was just awful. My goodness gracious.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Packages and Feeling Better.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Packages and Feeling Better.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today I woke up feeling very much refreshed and happy. I haven't felt very bad at all today. In fact, I feel almost completely nearly back to my old normal self again, which is very much nice. I mean that. It is very nice to be almost back to normal again. I do not say I am back to normal yet, though, because my recovery will have been much too hasty if that were the case.

After I woke up, the first thing I thought to do (after making by bed, eating breakfast, and brushing my teeth, of course) was to dump all of that awful berry shampoo down the drain and rinse out my shower tub. Goodness, I have never found something to be so reckless and irritating in my life (apart from that fly, which, incidentally, has finally left my house)

(and Miss BlueMoon) (and, perhaps, all of the disasters which seem to have recently plagued this area of Equestria).

Well, I am off to go purchase some of Gen N' Eric's name brand shampoo. Hopefully the store will have it today.

The store had the shampoo I needed. That was good. I do know how reckless not having a shower this late in the day is, but I had to avoid using that dreadful berry-scented shampoo. My goodness, that was almost a nightmare.

Ah. That shower felt nice. It feels good to be back to plain, normal shampoo again. It also feels good to be over that dreadful cold. I do suppose, however, since it is nearly one o' clock, I should walk down to my store and set it up.

Well, I had quite a nice sales day today. I sold an air-conditioner manual, a ceiling fan manual, and a manual for a couch (I was not aware that I even had one of those in stock, but apparently I did). Oh, and there was another good thing - miss Derpy Hooves came by my store and delivered a package to me. She was going to enter my store, however, and I, not wanting to be rude but still being quite aware of her clumsy tendencies, just asked her kindly to set it in the doorway as I walked over.

The customer came by and picked it up shortly after that.

All in all, it was quite a nice day. I should probably get around to hiring a construction crew sometime in the near future to take care of... ...that one room.

Anyway, I should probably get to bed. It has been a nice day. I am glad to have gotten over my sickness.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Oatmeal and Another Normal Day.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Oatmeal and Another Normal Day.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, today was normal again. I enjoyed it very much. There was no emergency, no distractions, and definitely no friends I needed to help. Not that I do not enjoy helping friends, it is simply the fact that nice, normal days are the best.

After waking up, I folded my blankets, took a shower, ate breakfast, and brushed my teeth. After that, of course, I had spare time to do whatever I wanted. That was nice. I decided to simply stay at home and watch the clock until it was time for me to go to the store.

So I did.

After returning home from work (and having sold six manuals), I decided it would be nice to take a stroll through the park. At the park, I found a nice bench and was about to read the manual for the E.S. 000, when I saw Miss Fluttershy walking down the pathway. She stopped to say hello to me.

"Hello John," she said "How's it going?"

"Quite well, Miss Fluttershy," I replied "I am just sitting here, reading a manual. What are you doing?"

"Oh," she said "Well, I am just out for a picnic with Angel."

At this point I noticed Mr. Angel hopping along by Miss Fluttershy's feet. As they left, I had the most wonderful idea. I ought to have a picnic with myself. All I need, I do believe, are tea bags, some oatmeal, and a blanket. That would be rather nice. I should have a picnic tomorrow. That would be great.

Well, that is all that happened today. It was quite a nice, normal day.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which I Go About my Normal Business.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Go About my Normal Business.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today I have finally gotten around to hiring workponies to fix that awful spare room. I have just finished my normal routine, gotten home from work, and am now about to head down to the park for a nice, quiet picnic. I have my E.S. 000, some tea, some crackers, and a grey blanket. Here I go.

Well, I am at the park now. The sky is blue, the clouds are white, the grass is green, and there is a pond just on the other side of this path. I shall begin preparing my picnic. But I have to choose where to place my blanket. I could put it off by the sidewalk, but that would be too close to the pathway, I think. No, that simply won't do. It would be much too reckless and exciting for me.

Hmm...

...

...how about over there, by the pond? Oh, my goodness gracious, no. That would be most upsetting. My food and book could get wet. I shall definately not risk such an endeavour. In fact, why in Equestria am I out here at all? Having a picnic? My goodness. What was I thinking? I shall return home immediately.

Well, I am back home now, and it would appear that I have avoided a terrible disaster. Heaven knows what would have happened had I actually had a picnic at the park. My goodness. What an awful thought. What would my father think of me? I have become much to reckless for my own good, and I simply cannot afford such a horrible fate...

...Well, I do still have several hours left today. What shall I do?

I know. I don't need to do anything. Why am I worrying so much about actually doing things? Do this. Do that. It's preposterous. It is absolutely preposterous. Ponies everywhere liked me before, so why am I worried now? Why should I do anything to be different? That is ridiculous. One picnic, small as it is, would lead to another, and then another, and then another, until I am no longer what ponies like me for.

I should just sit down and read my manual. You know what? I think I will do just that. Then I will have tea and crackers, and then I shall go to bed. I shall not be doing anything reckless anytime soon, thank you very much.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

The End.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

The End.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, it has come to my attention that I have run out of pages to write in you. I confess, I saw this coming, but I did not expect it to be so soon. Today was perfectly normal, something I am thankful for. I would like to take a moment and look back at some of the entries I have written.

Goodness me, so much excitement in so little time. Ms. BlueMoon, the golf game, my house being demolished. Dear me. I can scarcely believe that so much happened to me all at once. I nearly lost my grip on reality on a few occasions, also. It would appear that, thankfully, I managed to avoid becoming an exciting mess.

I know that this is sudden. My apologies for that.

...

...I suppose that, since this is my final entry, I would like to leave off with something significant. I must put something important down, you see - something I can look back on and remember. A wise pony once said "Who, by worrying, can add a single day to their life?"

I do enjoy that quote. You see, it does not matter if you have a marefriend or stallionfriend, or how pretty you look. It does not matter whether you've done anything exciting. Adventures are nice and well for some, but for most ponies that is anything but helpful. I can live the rest of my life without fame or adventure. I can enjoy myself without the need for drama and love-life tension. I love my friends. I love my family. I love this town. There is no need for any other kind of love for me.

As for adventure - why do so many ponies forget? They forget what real adventures are. The reason I tend to avoid many exciting things is because life on its own is exciting enough without all sorts of messes. Most ponies, I have noticed, go on adventures in hopes of doing exciting things with their lives. They hope to change things up. They hope to escape life's constant grabbing and nagging just for a moment.

What they do not understand, and what I have come to learn in life, is that the only way to remove problems is to turn to face them, not flee from them. To the young filly whose parents are too restrictive - has she even talked to them without yelling? Has she tried to see things from their side? Or has she only cared about herself and what she wants to do to impress her friends?

To the ponies who fret and worry about getting a special somepony - what is the need? Does everypony need a somepony? Or do only some ponies need a somepony? In my opinion, everypony needs somepony, but that somepony does not have to be a special somepony (goodness, how confusing. I must stop this nonsense or I will upset myself again), as long as they just have somepony. As for me? I have my friends. I do not need a significant other to make me peaceful.

I guess that what I am trying to write is that life is only out-of-control if you allow it to be. All it takes is a new look at things. For sure, some ponies cannot help how their life is. Some ponies lives will be stress filled no matter what, but it is not the situation that matters, in the end - it is the heart behind the situation.

I did not mean to take up so much time, but those words had to be said. It will help remind me of what I have learned. It will help remind me of who I really am.

I am John, and I am happy with life as it is.

...

Well, this is it, I suppose. Goodbye, Diary.

Sincerely,

John, the least interesting stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Have An Exciting Day.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which I Have An Exciting Day.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today was a very exciting day. It all started when I was brushing my teeth. Now, just bear with me a moment. I know that the prospect of brushing one's teeth is very... ...how can I say it?... ...wild as is, but you will not believe what happened while I was brushing my teeth in the morning (and, by the way, this isn't even the highlight of the day. There is so much more to talk about that I can scarcely believe it. I think I'm starting to become more and more out-of-control and wild as the days go by. Soon, I think I might find myself going to social gatherings and passing more than an hour in the library. What would mother think of me?).

My goodness, I am sorry for beating around the bush (so to speak, of course) - I know what you are thinking, diary: "What was it that happened to the toothpaste? Goodness gracious, it must have been pretty exciting." Well, let me tell you, that it is very exciting indeed. I hope this isn't too much for one day, but...

...The toothpaste tube was clogged a little more than usual, and I just knew that it was a sign that today was going to be different. I was right.

After getting ready for the day, I was walking down the street to run a shopping errand (I'll admit that I got a little out of control and reckless last night and had let the little party animal in me drink two cups of tea rather than one - which means that i ran out of tea). The sun was yellow. The sky was blue. The clouds were white. It looked like quite an ordinary day.

But then I saw it.

There, on the ground not three feet from me was a small gold coin. One bit. I was ecstatic and overwhelmed. This was all so much. I quickly picked it up (finding bits on the sidewalk are lucky, you know). After placing it in my pocket, careful to keep it away from all the ordinary bits I had, I resumed my grocery gathering.

Finding that bit wasn't the only exciting thing to happen today, though.

I got to the store and found out that the tea was on sale. Oh my goodness. I was thrilled beyond describing. This is where I feel I stepped out of line. I'll admit that once in a while an adventurous nature takes a hold of me and I cannot do a thing to hold it back.

I bought two tea bags instead of one.

I know it's crazy, but I have no clue where that came from. I can only suppose that my lucky bit had something to do with me being able to buy two bags of tea today. You would think that this was the high light of the day for me, but you would be wrong, dear diary, for there were more events to come.

After purchasing the tea bags, I was just about to leave the store, when I bumped into none other than young Ms. Twilight Sparkle quite literally. That was nerve-wracking for me, as you can imagine. I was sort of nervous and (after standing up and helping her up, of course) apologized for the inconvenience.

Now, I know I don't have perfect memory, but the conversation went something like this:

"Oh, I'm sorry for bumping into you like that, Ms. Twilight Sparkle."

"It's no problem... ...uh... ...what was your name again?"

"John. I live a few streets over from the library."

"Oh yes! I remember you now. You sent me those air conditioner manuals for my birthday. That was... ...very thoughtful of you."

I confess that at this point I nearly blushed in embarrassment. I don't know what came over her to speak so loosely of such an expensive gift. Then again, I suppose, young folk are more easily talkative than others.

The conversation continued (and, of course, not exactly in these words, but something like this):

"So what are you doing down in the store today, Ms. Twilight Sparkle?"

"Oh, I had to go pick up several ingredients required for a spell I'm practicing. It will allow any food to turn into any flavor, with a little bit of magic, of course."

I swear, I would have called the police if I didn't know Ms. Twilight Sparkle better. But that young mare and her friends did save us all on multiple occasions from things that make me very nervous. I probably shouldn't even be talking about Nightmare Moon, Discord, and those Changelings, because that makes me get a little nervous. Too much excitement for one day is unhealthy, you know.

Anyways, the conversation went on.

"So, what are you doing downtown today, John?"

I beamed proudly and puffed out my chest a little, to show that I could be bold and daring too, if I wanted.

"I'm buying tea. And guess what?"

"What?"

"I found a lucky bit. That means that now I have to choose what to spend it on. Isn't it exciting?"

She sort of paused for a moment, struck by how exciting it all is, I'm quite sure, and then spoke again.

"Uh... ...yeah. It sure is, John. Well, I have stuff to buy so goodbye."

"Goodbye, Miss Twilight Sparkle."

I then continued on my way and sat down in the park (on a bench, of course. To sit on the grass would be too wild and reckless for someone like me) and thought. I was deciding what to spend my lucky bit on.

The choice was tough: It would either be laundry detergent, soap, or some new toilet paper.

In the end, I went with the laundry detergent: a whole packet of it. It was very thrilling, to be sure, and now my golf hat will certainly smell a lot better when it goes on its next bi-weekly wash cycle.

Well, diary, that's all for today. It's almost eight o' clock, and I can't afford to stay up too late. I don't know if I'll be able to get to sleep until eight thirty, though. Today has been very exciting.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

Of Mondays and Birthday Parties.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Mondays and Birthday Parties.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today is the best day of the week again: Monday.

What is it about Mondays that makes them so wonderful? Is it the fresh start to a week? Is it the peacefulness of day-to-day life? Is it the beautiful mornings? It makes me want to sigh with joy.

Nothing interesting has happened so far today, diary, and that's just the way I like it.

I brushed my teeth and there were no tooth-paste clogs, I had enough tea for this morning, and the newspaper was lying gently on my front porch, as per usual. Mondays are just simply wonderful.

After I had a quick shower, I went over to the park to read my newspaper. There wasn't much happening today, it seemed like. That's good, by the way. Mondays are for nothing much happening.

After reading the newspaper, I checked the time and, not to my surprise, it was exactly one o' clock. (That would be the time that I open up shop).

My shop is nothing more than a small, quaint little store filled with appliance manuals. Today I had only two customers. One of them bought a blender manual. The other actually bought two things: an air conditioner manual and a manual on how to assemble couches.

Then my store closed for the day and I headed home to sit down at my table and write my diary for today.

Excuse me, diary, but there's a knock on my door right now. This is very odd. In fact, it's very out-of-the-ordinary, which worries me. What if it's a disaster, like someone wanting a refund on an air conditioner manual? Or what if it's worse? I simply must go see who it is and what they want. Excuse me.

Oh my goodness, diary, I'm scared. Very scared. In fact, I'm scared enough to write a single exclamation point, something I haven't done since this time last year.

The pony at the door was Pinkie Pie, and she stopped by to wish me a happy early birthday. She also told me that she was already arranging plans for my surprise birthday party next week.

Oh dear. I am very worried.

Goodnight, Diary. Maybe this will all be over and done with soon.

Sincerely,

John

In Which Things Are Normal for Once.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which Things Are Normal for Once.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today is a normal day. I have just woken up and am ready for the first quiet day in months. This is going to be swell. I just know that it is. What am I waiting for? It is time to begin my day.

Oh, I have just finished my morning routine. I have brushed my teeth, taken a shower, made my bed, and eaten breakfast (though, not in that order of course) all without any interruptions or any excitement. It is simply marvelous. It looks like I am going to need some more oats from the store soon. I should probably purchase tooth paste and tea as well. Well, since my store will not open until its usual time, I will be off now to collect the supplies I need.

Shopping went by without any incident today. That is great. I am smiling so happily right now. I honestly am. Nopony could ruin this day. I have even managed to convince Miss Twilight Sparkle to assist me in moving my belongings into my house, since she can teleport items. Granted, moving things in such a fashion is most exciting and unorthodox, but compared to what has recently happened, it is of no consequence.

Well, it looks as if I still have time to spare before my store opens today. I think I am going to read my E.S. 000 manual again. I do enjoy doing that in my spare time. I will have a cup of tea to go with it. That will be nice and normal, I do believe.

Well, that was quite a nice read. I am off to go open my store now. It is one o' clock.

I am back now. What a splendidly normal day. I do believe that Miss Twilight Sparkle shall be here any moment to help me move my items back in. Oh, I almost forgot, today's sales included a dishwasher manual and the manual for a ceiling fan. It was quite normal.

I think that I have just heard knocking on my door. That must be Miss Twilight Sparkle. I shall go at once.

It was Miss Twilight Sparkle, and we wasted no time in moving my stuff (by either hoof or magic) back into my home. I do suppose this is because I hardly have anything in the first place, but all the same, Miss Twilight Sparkle worked hard to help me. I insisted that such a nice young mare take two boxes of crackers as payment.

Now I have eaten dinner, brushed my teeth, and gotten into bed. I am very happy with how this day turned out. In fact, I could not be more happy. Granted, of course, that I still have an extra room filled with pink wallpaper and purple heart paintings, but I just pretend that that is not there.

With that being said, goodnight, Diary. I will, I pray, have a very normal night's sleep.

Sincerely,

John

Of Oatmeal and Burnt Toast.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

Of Oatmeal and Burnt Toast.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, today I decided to return the favor which young Mr. Spike had done for me. I decided that I would take it upon myself to cook a rather pleasant and simple breakfast. I made oatmeal and tea, and I had put the toast in the toaster when young Mr. Spike had walked into the kitchen.

"Hey, John. What's up?" He asked.

"Why hello, young Mr. Spike," I said "I know that I am up a whole lot earlier than usual, but it's okay. I'm not turning into some hooligan. I simply am making breakfast this morning, since you gave me such a... ...nice... ...breakfast yesterday."

"Oh, cool," he responded with a smile "So... ...uh... ...what's for breakfast?"

With a smile on my face, I replied "Oatmeal, toast, and tea."

Young Mr. Spike looked somewhat disappointed, but I had a surprise for him.

"Don't fret, young Mr. Spike. I have taken the liberty of purchasing butter for your toast," I said.

I daresay young Mr. Spike simply must have been in a more happy mood after that. After all, butter is something which pushes the limits of my excitement levels, but, of course, measures had to be taken. Young Mr. Spike was clearly starved for something to break up the mold, and I simply had to make do.

After breakfast, as usual, I went down to my store. Nothing happened much there, except for young Mr. Spike taking extra measures to do everything possible to clean the store and organize it.

My goodness, what a respectable and responsible young dragon. Miss Twilight Sparkle must be so proud of her young assistant.

I do wonder how Miss Twilight Sparkle and her friends are coming in the search for the library. They must have located it by now. They simply must have. I do worry at the thought of such a dangerous undertaking - that is, searching all over the country for signs of the disappeared house. Dear me, I hope they are safe.

Well, worrying is worrying and it can do nothing. Perhaps I shall make her and her friends a welcome home present. That would be nice, I should think.

Well, Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which Miss Twilight Sparkle Returns and Things Change Back to Normal Again.
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which Miss Twilight Sparkle Returns and Things Change Back to Normal Again.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, my pleasant but short-lived experience with young Mr. Spike as a house guest is at its end. Earlier today, young Mr. Spike burped out a letter from Miss Twilight Sparkle. I would normally find this odd, but young Mr. Spike had told me about it and, therefore, I was expecting such an occurrence any time soon. I do not recall the exact wording of the letter, but it was specifically stating that they would return to Ponyville today with the house. I am not quite sure how they would transport Miss Twilight Sparkle's library back to its original location, but such matters do not concern me.

Just before I left to open my store, Miss Twilight Sparkle arrived, looking rather worn out but happy. She thanked me very kindly for watching young Mr. Spike for her while she was away. She asked if there was anything she could do in return, but I politely declined. The best thing for me at this time would be for things to return to normal, with clogged toothpaste and lucky bits being the highlights of my days.

I would have given Miss Twilight Sparkle and her friends a welcome home gift, but, on second thought, I decided it wasn't very well-placed. In fact, having returned home with a house is awkward and exciting enough. A gift need not be added to increase the level of excitement.

Well, today I sold a total of two manuals: one for a lamp and one for a projector. It was quite nice. I have just returned home from my store, and am looking forward to a nice cup of tea as I read the E.S. 000 manual.

That manual. I love it dearly. It is so delightfully simple.

A note to myself - I must find a way to either wall up the doorway to that extra room or remove it entirely. I must find a real construction crew eventually. Until then, however, I have moved my extra cupboard in front of the unsightly door. That will have to do for now.

Well, that was it. Nothing else happened today, so...

...

...my apologies, but I am expecting it at any moment. It's sad. I cannot seem to have a single normal day anymore. I expect some sort of "emergency" to occur. Somepony simply must wind up knocking at my door at any time now...

...

...any time now...

...

...Could it be?...

...

...Yes. Nopony is knocking on my door. Nopony has some sort of emergency. Nopony has anything that I need to help them with. Not that I don't mind helping friends, but it's just nice for things to be back to the true way they should be:

Normal. No alicorns. No houses teleporting. No damages to my house. No cause for alarm.

Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John

In Which a Fly is in my House
View Online

The Diary of John, the Least Interesting Stallion in Equestria.

In Which a Fly is in my House

Monday, September 24, 2012

Dear Diary,

There is a fly in my house. It is most dreadfully irritating to listen to its constant buzzing. I do believe that it has quite nearly flown into my eyes once or twice. I cannot seem to find my fly swatter anywhere, and the buzzing had kept me awake for minutes last night. It was most awful.

I cannot go open my store today. I am still too sick to go. I am, however, feeling somewhat better than yesterday. That is good news. In fact, I am not even sneezing as much as I was yesterday. That is quite nice indeed. Well, I have to go make myself some tea and crackers. Then I think I will read the manual for the E.S. 000 again. Hopefully that fly will go away.

It is twelve o' clock, and the fly is still here. I cannot stand it. It is very annoying. I will be reading my manual, minding my own business, when suddenly (and in a quite heart-pounding manner, I might add) that fly will buzz right past my ear, causing my heart to jump a little and me to drop my book on the ground. Of course, that caused me to lose my place. It was most distressing. I am beginning to grow very irritated at that fly.

That fly is very bothersome. Now it has decided to hover around my food. It is now night-time, and I am about to go to sleep. However, I do not know if I can, with that awful buzzing. Moving on to a less irritating subject, however: Nothing else exciting happened today. It was really actually quite pleasant, aside from my cold and that irritating fly.

That fly is now buzzing around my head. I would swat at it, but I cannot catch it. I have tried all day. Actually, I do not want to swat at it at this time of night. That would be most heart-pounding. I do hope I can get to sleep.

Well, I guess I should at least try to sleep. Goodnight, Diary.

Sincerely,

John