Chapters An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Luna^
*Midnight Shadow*
Owww. Damn how much did I drink last night?
[The flask. Entire thing. In about three seconds.]
{Well that explains that. Anyway. Let’s get up.}
I open my eyes...only to quickly shut them again.
{OWGODDAMNWHYISITSOBRIGHTAHSONOFABITCHANDISTHATABIRDIHEAR?}
[Ow. Now you’ve hurt my ears.]
{FUCKYOUHANGOVERSHURT}
And that damned bird kept fucking tweeting. I’ve seen this before. I swear I have. But I gotta kill that damned bird. I try to open my eyes. Success! I get to my...hooves.
*OMGWESTILLHASHOOVES*
{DAMMIT I STILL HAVE HANGOVER}
I look around, and finally get to see my surroundings. An alleyway. In the middle of fuckin nowhere. Hmm. Hold up...there’s that bird. I grabbed my gun with my hands...hooves...whatever. I pulled the trigger with...magic. Wait what?
[Eh it’s magic. Don’t gotta explain shit.]
{Damn straight}
The bullet tore through the bird. However the sound of the shot woke me up more.
[DAMMIT!]
{DAMMIT}
Oww. In any case I got up. At the least, I need to get out of the alley. But first i turned around to get a look at myself.
I had a black coat. Like midnight black. But my tail looked pretty damn fine. It was black yes, but it had red tipped. I then feel my forehead. Yep, I have a horn. I am a unicorn. Everything makes perfect sense now. I stopped admiring my hawt ass and moved out of the alleyway.
[Yeah. Hawt ass. Suuuuuureee.]
{Aww whatever we look damn fine. Still could always use-}
[A black fedora? I couldn’t agree more.]
{First order of business is find out where we are.}
[Fine, but second is get a black fedora. And sunglasses.]
I trotted out of the alley and looked around. Hmm that’s weird. Nothing was like it was in the show. In fact, I don’t even think I was in a place seen in the show. I saw a bustling downtown. With casinos and bars everywhere. A hotel here and there. Smokers. Yea. Definitely not Ponyville. In fact it looked more like...Vegas?
{Shit Soren! I think we’re in Vegas! And we have a hangover! Check do we have a broken tooth?!}
[Oh god. We’re gonna make the Hayngover aren’t we.]
{Well enough joking around. I think I see a place where we can shop. Check and see if we have some money.}
[What? You’re the one who’s got the the horn.]
{Yes well. I give magical powers to you. You are now the magical element of my head.}
[You just want an excuse to make me a real demon.]
{Kind of.}
^I kinda want magic powers^
*OMGWEISMAGICOMGSOAWESOME!!!!!*
{Okay. Luna will get to learn every stealth and combat spell, Soren learns everything else. Like checking if we have money.}
My horn suddenly lit up and 200 golden coins appeared in my hand. Damn I have 1,000 bits. I could get used to that. I quickly walked over to a nearby complex. Didn’t look like a club or a casino, so I guessed it was a shopping complex. As strolled through the doors my suspicions were proven. There were about twenty shops. I chose the most punk rock looking one and walked in. Surprise, ponies don’t wear clothes. So the only things in this shop were hats and sunglasses. Score.
[There! In the back corner. It looks perfect!]
{Looks kinda like a black Indiana Jones fedora}
[Yea I know. Perfect. And there’s sunglasses over there.]
{Well alright.}
I went over and picked up the hat. I looked in a mirror after placing it on my head. And noticed that my mane looked just like my tail. Damn I look good, and with the hat on? I’ll be getting laid real soon. I also noticed my cutie mark, and almost fell over laughing. It was the female sign. A circle with the arrow pointing down. Except it was black instead of pink.
[Well it is what we’re best at doing]
{Damn right. Alright let’s see hat is 10 bits, sunglasses are 2 bits. Can ya get me one of those gold bits?}
[Sure thing. Here.]
A gold bit popped into my hooves. That will never get old. I put the hat and glasses on the counter and tossed my bit across. The guy gave me back 8 bronze bits. I put the hat on and walked out of the store. There were still a few stores around here. I looked for a bookstore, thinking I could just absorb spell books like Skyrim. I found a Barnes and Magical and started walking towards it.
[Yea. Cause I’m sure that’s how it works. Just like Skyrim! Of course!]
{Eh so we might have to study. If it lets us turn invisible I don’t much care.}
[I’d rather learn how to get stuff from our world.]
{Yea okay that too. Hey what time is it?}
[I don’t know let’s check our phone.]
Hold up. What? My phone suddenly pops into existence in front of me. Rarity Don’t Hate background and everything. My iPhone 3GS is with me in Equestria. Hmm I wonder if GPS works. I press the app with my magic. It shows my current position in Las Pegasus. Damn that’s cool. I quickly put my phone away before walking through the doors to Barnes and Magical.
______________________________________________________________________________
Three hours of searching later, I have some spell books. Shadows and How to Use Them, Teleportation Simplified, Levitation for Dummies, and my personal favorite Equestrian Parties. Common sense told me to read Shadows and How to Use Them, but Soren told me to read Equestrian Parties. Needless to say, I chose Equestrian Parties first. Inside were very simple spells that showed me how to spike drinks, create cigarettes, and make music. In fact there was an entire chapter dedicated to making music. I always did like making music, and was a music producer back on Earth. They called me DJ Soarinsoren. I had a bandcamp and a website and everything. However the chapter immediately afterward was the one I was interested in. A chapter for bartending. I know what my job is!
______________________________________________________________________________
I finally found a hotel and paid a few bits for a simple room. I’d go job hunting tomorrow. I quickly skimmed Shadows and How to Use Them, and saw a spell that caught my eye. How to blend into shadows. I studied it for a bit, then turned out the lights.
{Think you can do it Luna?}
Her response was to make my horn glow real quick. I looked at my hooves and saw nothing. Damn that’s cool. With a useful spell under my hoof, and a sense of pride, I fell asleep.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Luna^
*Midnight Shadow*
I awoke fully rested for once. No hangovers, no girls last night. A nice nights full sleep. I cracked my neck and hopped out of bed. I had a lot of work to do.
[Actually, you just have to go to new bars and see if they need a bartender]
{Soren, to me that's a lot of work}
[Like you weren't going to the bars anyway.]
Damn. He had me there. Still I wasn't just gonna walk out looking like I did. I needed a shower. Waking up drunk does not make you very clean.
___________________________________________________________
i got out into the great city of Pegasus. The sun was happily shining on the smokers and gamblers walking in and out of casinos. The birds were hacking due to all the smoke they've taken in. It was a postcard moment. I actually got a little misty eyed.
[Your the biggest pussy in the world]
{Unfrue, however when I find said pussy I'll be sure to fuck it}
[Ignore previous comment]
Now to simply find a new bar. That shouldn't be too hard.
___________(fuck it these take too long to type)
Three hours later and I stil haven't found a place. I swear it was like Equestria hated me or something. Which for all intensive purposes, it probably did. I was about to say fuck it and go home, when I saw it. The setting sun illuminated the Virgin Marey. A help wanted sign was in the window. I quickly dashed over to it and walked in. I went over to one of the workers and told him I was there to apply for a job. He told me to go through the back, and up the stairs. I slid through the door before realizing I was missing a few things neccesary to get a job.
A. A resume.
B. Good clothes.
C. Work experience.
Actually scratch C. I worked as a bartender while on Earth. Probably still had my resume. Well I would've. Suddenly my horn glowed black and a perfect copy of my resume popped into view. Apperently Luna had been learning some tricks.
^I don't believe you should call me Luna with the real one here. I would like my name changed to Omega.^
{Like from Red Vs. Blue?}
^Something like that^
{Fine. Personality change. Omega AI.}
^Body operating at 89%. Magic reserves at 100%. Usable magic at 80% and rising.^
{That was...immensly helpful.}
[Not to mention creepy]
{Still pretty helpful.}
My internal monologue was cut short by the bar managers office's door. With my resume in hoof I walked in and shook the managers hoof. He was a grey coated stallion with a Jamaican colored mane. As he sat down I noticed his cutie mark was a blunt. This was going to be good.
"Wazzup maaan. How's it hanging? I'm Shade." The grey stallion said.
"Midnight Shadow. Pleasure to meet you."
*OMGWEARECALLEDMIDNIGHTSHADOWWHATANAWESOMENAME!*
"So what are you applying for. We have a bartending position, as well as a few waiter positions." Shade said.
"If it's alright with you, I'd like to be a bartender."
"Got any work experience?"
To answer I tossed over my resume. He brought it up to his eyes with magic and glanced over it. He smiled about halfway through.
"Looks like your good. Can't say I've heard of these bars, but the names sound familiar. You've got the job."
"Sweet. When do I start."
"If your ready, you can work tonight. It's 6 now, bar opens at 7. You got an hour to eat."
"Thanks. I'll be back in an hour."
I walked out. That was easier then I expected. But who cares I was workin my dream job again! The only job that truly makes me happy. My stomach growled, reminding me that I hadn't eaten in two days. Hmm. I guess that's what Luna...Omega meant by 89%. I looked around for a resturant. There was a tough looking grill nearby. Said Griffon Hunters. Looked like the best place for a burger, so I trotted in. To my surprise they actually had steak! Wonderful steak! Sweet Celestia a seasoned steak. I ordered it and a Bud Celestia. I almost burst out laughing at that one. I can only guess what Marlboro's are called. I dug into the steak, snapping the delicious morsel up. I then practically chugged my beer before walking back to the bar.
______________________
I got out of the bar at about 4 in the morning. It was a damn fun night, and the DJ was amazing. However she was...strangely familiar. I was too tipsy to place it though. Maybe I'll stay sober longer tomorrow night. First though, a nice deserved sleep.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
I live! With one giant ass hangover. Owww.
[Why do you constantly drink?]
{Why do you tell me to?}
^Body operating at 50% capacity. Would you like me to perform medical services?^
{Yes. Soren while she’s doing that could you solve my food problem?}
[Fine.]
My horn flared up quickly, and immediately my hangover diminished. It didn’t completely disappear, but I didn’t feel like puking everywhere, and the lights no longer burned my poor innocent eyes. However the second time my horn lit up I completely forgot about my hangover. Because in my hooves...was a Slim Jim.
Here’s the explanation. I only had two strange addictions. Dr. Pepper, and Slim Jims. I used to go an entire day eating nothing but Slim Jims. I kept a 16 pack on me at all times because I would crave one every few hours. They were like cigarettes to me. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I actually jumped up and danced in circles when I saw one. Some addictions aren’t hard a break, but why would I break this one?
So I laid back on my bed, and ate my Slim Jim. I then checked the time. It was about 1. I had about 6 hours to dick around. Now normally I’d watch porn or My Little Pony in my leftover time, but I didn’t have any porn and watching MLP in Equestria kicked the 4th walls door down. So I did something that I hadn’t done in forever. I studied my books.
First up was Shadows and How to Use Them. This seemed to be the most useful book. However it was also the thickest. I skimmed it until I found one spell that caught my eye. A duplicate spell. I quickly read the caption underneath.
When done correctly this spell will allow oneself to make an exact copy of anything using shadows. This spell should not be used on oneself, as it may have dire consequences.
[Dire consequences eh?]
{Yes Soren. Dire consequences. As in don’t fucking do it.}
[Fine. Hey can we duplicate other people?]
{Dire fucking consequences.}
[Oh you’re no fun. How about we do something simple, like a pack of cigarettes?]
{Hmm. That reminds me.}
I had Soren get out my pack of cigarettes. I hadn’t had one in three days, and I wanted one right fucking now. I took one out and raised it to my muzzle. I was about to take out a lighter when it lit itself. Or rather, a spark from my horn lit it. I could get to this magic shit. I took a long drag of my cigarette before looking at the book again.
^Common sense dictates we should not use spells while harmful substances are being inhaled^
{When have we ever used common sense?}
^We should also not do this because it may be out of our range of magic.^
Damn. She might have a point there. Unless...
[Hey our cutiemark is what we’re good at right? And also what are of magic we can cast?]
*Yes.*
[Well since it’s a female sign, do you think that-]
{We can cast any spell that would impress a chick!}
^So you believe you can cast any useless spell?^
{Pretty much. Now clone my pack of cigarettes!}
A perfect double of my pack appeared in my other hoof. I took a peek at the name. Yep. Mareboro. How did Firewall get all of this shit right?
[Does it matter? We now have an infinite amount of cigarettes!]
{Fuckin yay. Slim Jims, Mareboros, and ponies. I don’t think afterlife gets much better than this!}
[You forgot that we look like a badass.]
I threw on my fedora. Yea I do look damn fine. I looked in a mirror. Hmm maybe I can use myself as porn.
[That is so messed up.]
{Your right. Quickly! Back to studying!}
______________________________________________________________________________
A few minutes before seven I walk into the Virgin Marey. I become a whirlwind as the afternoon crowd starts coming in. I however do not take a single sip of alcohol as I waited for the DJ from last night. Suddenly the lights die down, everyone stops bitchin about the drink they want, and a deep electro bassline comes from the stage. Synths stab into the bass, and the lights flash with it. Drums are added. Suddenly the stage comes alive! I am quickly lost to the music. The DJ is amazing! The fades are so smooth I can’t tell where the current song ends and the next one begins. However I still can’t get a good look at the DJ. I continue filling orders, but keep my eyes on the stage hoping for a glimpse. I don’t have to wait long, as the spotlights draw back to shine on her. At first I only see a white coat, but my eyes readjust to the changing light.
*OMG IT’S DJ PON-3!*
{OMG IT’S DJ PON-3!}
[OMG I WOULD TOTALLY TAP THAT!]
By the time my befuddled brain can work again, she finishes the song and goes offstage. I continue filling orders, thinking about how I could talk with her.
[You could talk about mixing techniques.]
{Or what spells she uses.}
[Perhaps where she learned?]
{If she could teach me? That would lead to more meetings.}
[Oh that’s a good one. Roll with that.]
{Yea but first we gotta talk to her.}
^She’s coming this way.^
{WAITWUT?}
I break off my internal monologue and look up. Holy shit. Vinyl Scratch is walking my way. Time almost slows down. I quickly finish off everyone else’s orders.
“Hello there bartender.”
“Lemme guess. Double shot. Irish creme and Jamaican Rum.”
“Looks like someone knows what I like.”
“Yea. I could just tell,” Truth is I have absolutely no idea how I knew that. So I’m just gonna say magic.
I slide her drink across the table. “Nice performance.”
“Ya think so?”
“Not too many complaints.”
“But you have complaints?”
Here we go. Time to use all that DJ knowledge. “Well, the lead synth seemed to be a little off beat. It didn’t perfectly match the stabs. I’m guessing off by... eh a split second?”
“...How did you notice?”
“Used to DJ myself. A long time ago, in a place far far away.”
“Can you still?”
“Naww. Well. I might be able to if someone would teach me.”
“You want lessons? You can’t just-”
“Teach music I know. You have to know rhythm, have to feel the beat.”
“You really were a DJ huh? What made you stop?”
“Not enough money, poor equipment, and another night job.”
“So... a mare?”
“...You win. Yea a dreamcrusher.”
She moved closer to me. I could smell the alcohol on her breath. “I think it’s a noble dream.”
Oh I am totally getting laid tonight. Well... I would’ve. Except Shade walked down right fucking then.
“Hey Pon-3! Nice jam baby.” Shade said. I could easily tell he was high.
“Oh... Shade.” Vinyl didn’t look very happy.
“What don’t like the person controlling your paycheck?”
[Help her you shithead!]
{How!}
[Bullshit your way through this! That’s the only thing you’re good at.]
“Hey Shade! Don’t blame her, I think I just gave her a bit too much to drink. Reaction time must be slowed a bit y’know?” Damn I am good at pulling shit out of my ass.
“Yea I guess your right. Eh Pon-3 you need someone to walk ya home?” Shade wasn’t letting up. I swear he was going to rape her.
“Actually I was gonna let-” She waved her hand towards me. I forgot to tell her my name! Facehoof.
“Midnight Shadow. Or DJ Sᴓren. Whichever you want.”
“Right. DJ Sᴓren. I was gonna let him walk me home. It is the end of his shift after all.”
Oh hell yes. I am totally getting laid tonight.
______________________________________________________________________________
2 rounds later, Vinyl’s finally out, and I’m sleeping in a bed I don’t own. Hell yes. Thank you Celestia.
(Your welcome.)
{Oh shit.}
I'm tryin to get better at cliffhangers. How's that one? :trollestia:
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
String Theory with Celestia
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
For a few seconds I sat there, before realizing that the most powerful being in this world was in my head.
(That’s not exactly true.)
{So there is someone more powerful than you?}
(I think you should come to my room in Canterlot. I’ll explain everything there. Here I’ll even teleport you.)
{Actually I think thats-} I am cut off as a bright light engulfs my body.
“That that is a bad idea.” I finish before the princess. See I still had a boner and...yea. To make it more awkward, I suddenly thought about Princess Molestia. Celestia’s eyes went very wide as I thought about all the porn and all the stories from it.
“I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!” She yells at me. Oh yeah.
^Common sense would dictate we not think about such things. No need for her to have an existential crisis.^
“Yes. Omega is correct Midnight Shadow. While I remain in contact with your mind I would advise you to keep those thoughts from your mind.”
“Okay okay...wait hold up. You heard that?”
“Of course. I am in your mind after all.”
[Obvious bitch princess is obvious.]
{Soren shut the fuck up. You’re going to get us both killed.}
[Fine.]
“Seems like Soren just got, how do you humans put it, “pussy whipped.”
[THAT’S IT! THIS BITCH IS OVERDUE FOR AN ASSKICKING!]
Soren took my sudden shock at Celestia saying pussy whipped and took over my body. He used shadows to create a small whip, then used telekinesis to lift the Princess. He then proceeded to whip her in her... yea.
“WHO’S GETTING PUSSY WHIPPED NOW BIATCH?” Soren had apparently taken over my voice as well. And he sounded pretty pissed.
[Damn right I’m pissed!]
{Do you have it all out of your system now?}
[...Yea. Proceed with negotiations.]
I dropped Celestia. I was kinda pissed at her too. But I did make the whip disappear. She get’s my mercy for now.
“How’s this for a plan Celestia. I don’t scar you for life, you don’t fuck with my consciences. Because my consciences enjoy kicking ass.”
“Agreed. I am sorry Soren.”
{Apology accepted?}
[Eh seems legit. Whatever.]
“Apology accepted. Now then. Why the fuck am I here?”
“I will explain. I just want you to know something very quickly. All of what I am telling you is true. Every. Last. Bit.”
“Mkay. Begin.”
*Yay a story from Celestia! Also Soren if you disrespect the Princess again I will take you to the memories of Lost. And I will make you watch them. All of them.*
{Mmm. Soren you just got pussy whipped twice in an hour.}
[...We never speak of this day.]
“Thank you Midnight Shadow. You are truly a gentlecolt. Now then Tanner. I’m going to tell you how this Equestria was made. I’ll give you a few seconds for your internal monologue.”
{She knows my name!}
*Course she does bro. She’s Celestia.*
“Now then. Shall I proceed?”
I nod my head yes. Maybe I can get some answers to the questions that I haven’t been caring about.
“I will start off with String Theory. The truth is there are multiple universes, and as of this, multiple Equestrias. They are all made by humans. The original one was made by Lauren Faust. But now every brony with a strong mind creates his own after death. However all of their Equestrias share some common similarities, as they are all based off of the original blueprint. Are you understanding any of this Tanner?”
Amazingly I did. It all made a lot of sense. Then again I already understood and believed in String Theory, so it wasn’t too much to take in.
“I thought you would. Now is the part that won’t make sense. Bronies do not die. You see, a brony is much like an alter ego, like the ones inside you. And when a brony dies, that personality simply is knocked out of them. If they have a very strong mind, they create an Equestria. If not, then they join a different Equestria. Kind of like Heaven, but with multiple gods. Now I am going to answer your question of how Firewall knew so much. Because he was one of those bronies. All self insert fics are like this. You see since your body is still on Earth, you can still technically use it. Every brony’s body writes down the events happening to the personality in Equestria. Then they post it. Yours is currently being posted on FiMFiction.net. It’s under the name An Alcoholics recollection of Equestria.” Celestia gave that time to sink in.
I thought about her words. They sort of made sense. And even if they didn’t, I still had an excuse to do this.
{Hello reader! Let’s brohoof! Be careful to not cut yourself on the broken 4th wall. /)(}
*^[Wow...really?]^*
“Amazingly this is making perfect sense my dear Celestia. Let me elaborate for a bit, just to make sure I am understanding all of this perfectly.” I had Soren conjure me up a pipe and a tweed jacket.
“To my understanding, you are saying that I did not die, rather my mind and body were separated. My mind was powerful enough, likely because of how many others are in it, to fabricate a copy of Equestria to the best of my knowledge. I created this entire universe. And other bronies can now enter it. However my body is still on Earth, and is recording my wacky and no doubt hilarious adventures. Correct?”
“Exactly. Perfect.”
I held up my hoof. With this knowledge, I was almost certain I could finish it.
“However it is not an exact copy, due to the other self inserts I read. That explains Mareboro’s. It will also explain other things as time comes to pass no doubt. Also this Equestria was fabricated from my own mind, which explains the existence of gambling, alcohol, and in all reality probably everything different in this world. Correct?”
“Yes. You seem to have understood that quite well. Now you know why I said I wasn’t the most powerful person in this universe. Anything else you’d like to know?”
“How do you know this?”
“Ah. That is the easy part. There is only one real Celestia. The energies in her are impossible to copy. So she cloned herself. She sends one of us clones to every dimension. “
That made. Shitloads of sense actually. So...
“Anything else you want to get off your chest?”
“Well there is one thing. If you don’t mind.”
“Shoot.”
“I have someone that we have to lock up. The problem is he can not be held in any normal jail. He is a demon. If you can whip him into line, he could be a very great ally. However until that point he would be another voice in your head.”
“Another voice eh? What’s in it for me?”
“100 bits per month, and a place to stay in the palace if you ever need it.”
DAYUM! That deal was pretty sweet. Besides it’s just another voice in my head right?
“Correct. He shouldn’t be much trouble. You may call him Reaper. That is the name he took for himself.”
Oh shit. Not THE Reaper. I knew they got him, but for him to become a demon...
“You know of this Reaper?” Celestia looked shocked.
“Yes...no...kind of. You see there is this organization back on Earth called Anonymous.” I facehoofed. “Sorry there is a collective of individuals under the name Anonymous back on Earth. Their plans were to overthrow their corrupt government. Once Operation V engaged, he started popping up. Very anti-government, very pro-revolution. He was right, but still. I heard the government got him. He was tried for treason, and they murdered him.”
“Yes. That is him. Well apperently Hades enjoyed his act so much that he made him a demon. He then came here. I have harbored him for the centuries that he has been here.”
“Wait centuries? But I created Equestria!”
“Exactly. Time was sped up until this present moment. But we still have our history. Everything still happened. So yes centuries. Also as long as you have him you will be immortal. Do you accept?”
“Fine.”
She suddenly advanced towards me. My thoughts almost went to Molestia. But her horn touched my mind first. Suddenly my head exploded. Pain was everywhere. I almost blacked out. But as quick as it started, it ended. Celestia sat back and stared at me. Expecting me to say something.
“That hurt like a motherfucker.” It wasn’t really that bad, I just kinda wanted to bitch about something.
“Good. You can contain him. Now that that is done, I will send you back to where you came from. Maybe if you’re lucky you can go round 3 in the morning.” I swear she had a troll face. Before I could make a smartass remark, a white ball of light engulfed me, and I was back in Vinyl’s arms. Now to get some nice peaceful sleep.
[Yea. Before that happens, you’re gonna want to come in here.]
I just can’t get a break today can I?
Authors note. Gotta love dem cliffhangers. I was originally gonna post on Wednesday, but I saw MY name on Celestia Radio, and it inspired me to finish this chapter. Also side note, everything I do I do for a reason. So even though this Demon won't exactly have a major role now, He will later. Also back in 3? That duplicate spell and the bit about not using it on yourself? Yeah. Something will happen with that. Kinda soon actually. :trollestia: Now you want to know what I could do with that huh? Keep reading... DEM CLIFFHANGERS!(I've been drinking)
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
The Kickass Bar and Grill
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
Authors note. To save a lot of time and keep up with the dialogue style, and the idea that we are in my head, you will notice that the things that show who's talking in my head are beside the dialogue marks. Just a heads up.
I closed my eyes and slipped into my subconscious.
I awoke in an alleyway. This was where I always landed when I went inside of my head. Unlike everyone else’s mind, I actually did some remodeling. I was in here so often that I couldn’t stand the drab white, so I recreated my hometown of Nashville. There were bars all up and down the street. The arena said the Predators were playing. I could go in and watch, but it would be a past game. And I had business. So I went to the only thing not in Nashville. The Kickass Bar and Grill. Like I said I didn’t like the drab of white, so I made my own bar to meet my consciences in. It was pretty damn good if I say so myself.
______________________________________________________________________________
I took a seat next to Soren. He mouthed something to me.DJ Pon-3 was rockin jams on stage, so I could barely hear him. To fix this I turned the music down. Being in my head was awesome. I motioned for him to say it again.
“It’s the new guy. He’s creepy as hell.”
“Where is he?”
“Don’t know. Only wants to talk to you. Says he remembers you.”
“How? I only helped Anon one time. And that was by spreading the message.”
“Apparently that was enough to make him like you.”
We were interrupted by a sudden flash. A figure dressed all in black walked up to our table. His hands were bones. And I swear I saw a scythe on his back.
-”Good evening host. Soren.”-
[“Ah Reaper. To what do we owe the honor?”]
-”I want to talk to my new host. The last one was so one minded.”-
{“Hold up guys. I gotta lighten the mood.”} I snapped my fingers and instantly Omega(in Luna form) and Rainbow Dash started making out on our table. Like I said. It’s great to be in your mind.
{“Okay. Reaper, continue.”}
-”I’m sure Celestia told you I was a criminal.”-
{“I know. It’s probably bullshit. You were simply showing the people something Celestia didn’t want them to see. Lemme guess. MLP?”}
-”I felt the general populace should know.-”
I sighed. {“You have to realize that it wouldn’t make them rise against anything other than themselves. They’d all go insane, and kill themselves. Trust me, the monarchy is not corrupt. I have yet to see forced poverty, or poverty in general. Wealth is shared. There is no 1% here.”}
-”I suppose you are right. I will assist you in any way I can now. I suggest you reroute all combat magics to me, let Omega take care of healing and categorizing spells, and Soren can do whatever he wants.-”
{“Sounds good to me”}
Reaper leaned back into his chair. -”I suppose I should relax. I could get used to this place. Celestia put me in a jail cell.
[“Speaking of Celestia...”]
{“What?”} Soren pointed over to the doors. Sure enough Celestia walked through the door, and started walking over to our table. Oh shit. She looked kinda pissed when she saw Luna on the table, licking Rainbow Dash’s clit.
{“Soren. We may be kind of fucked.”}
[“What gave you the idea?”]
(“I came in here to make sure that Reaper wasn’t trying to manipulate you.”) She shot a look over at Reaper, who had just conjured up a leather jacket and was chillin in the booth. He was talking to one of my exes. Hmm, that can only end well. Celestia broke my inner inner monologue by addressing me, specifically the hoes on my table.
(“Instead I found YOU with THIS! I DEMAND IT BE REMOVED AT ONCE!) She was yelling. I suddenly heard a familiar beat coming from the DJ booth. I nodded my head, and the girls vanished. However I looked over at Soren, and shot a glance to Midnight Shadow. They both nodded their heads. I slowly turned the music up while Celestia ranted. I nodded my head and all three of us hopped onto the table and started singing and dancing to this tune.
When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly
I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah
This is how I roll, animal print, pants outta control,
It's Redfoo with the big afro
And like Bruce Lee yeah I got the glow
Ahh girl look at dat body.
Ahh girl look at dat body.
Ahh girl look at dat body.
Ahh I I work out.
Ahh girl look at dat body.
Ahh girl look at dat body.
Ahh girl look at dat body.
Ahh I I work out.
When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got a passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it
*{[I’M SEXY AND I KNOW IT!]}*
WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE WIGGLE YEA!
Celestia turned away right then. (“Please...Make it stop.”)
I turned the music down and we all got back on the table. {“That was to teach you a lesson I hope you don’t forget.”}
(“And what lesson is that?”)
{“Fuck you I do what I want.}
Celestia just sorta stared at me. I then snapped my fingers, and Luna and Rainbow Dash picked up right where they left off. I just kinda leaned back and started smirking. Then to take it to the final level, I pulled a trollface mask out of thin air and put it on. Just for shits and giggles.
(“Lesson...learned. However I have a message for you. Actually two of them.")
{"Whoop de fucking do. Shoot Princess Molestia."} Her eyes burned bright red for a second, before going back to normal.
("First, another brony has entered this world. Second, we have received word of a dragon near Las Pegasus. I have decided that you should go do something about it.")
{"Do I get paid?"}
("Generously.")
{“Good. Now get the fuck out of my mind.”}
I then forcibly removed her from my mind. I looked over at Midnight Shadow. He just sat back, ordered a drink, and finally turned to me.
*”There’s gonna be hell to pay tomorrow.”*
I didn’t doubt that. But for now...totally worth it. I brohoofed Soren before walkin out of the bar. I then fell asleep in that same alleyway, and left my subconscious. Back into Vinyl’s embrace. I snuggled up closer to her. It was about time I was able to finally get some rest tonight.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
I awoke to a note next me.
Sorry, but I had to go, and you looked so cute asleep! I guess I’ll see you at the bar alright?
So much for round three. Damn. I suddenly felt my iPhone buzz. I lazily lifted it up to my eyes...USING FUCKIN MAGIC! (That’ll never get old.) I had apparently gotten a text. It was from Princess Celestia.
[Oh shit. Well what does it say?]
I hope you haven’t forgotten that all of Las Pegasus is in danger of a dragon. I have sent you the coordinates. I also sent the other brony over to them. I hope you didn’t think I was going to leave you out to dry.
I plugged the coordinates into my iPhone GPS. Shame I couldn’t fly.
-I could fix that. Go stand into those shadows.-
I saw no problem following Reaper’s instructions, so I trotted over to the shadows. Within seconds wings started forming around my body. I gave them a little shake to make sure they worked. Then I shrugged my shoulders. Again...and again...and again.
*Ey we have a situation here ya know. Ya know saving the ponies from annihilation and all that?*
{Hmm. No rest for the wicked.}
With that I started galloping towards a window. Omega threw a protective shield over me while Soren concentrated on grabbing my hat. Reaper gave me an extra boost of speed, and I broke through the window and started flying away. Reaper immediately fixed the broken window, and Soren changed my sunglasses to flight goggles.
{We are so badass.}
*Hay yes. We kick so much flank.*
[Shadow never do that again.]
*Fine. But you have to realize that is how they swear around here.*
-He has a point Soren.-
[Wrong. He’s forgotten that we are inside Tanner’s head. We are not out there. Therefore we use Earth swears. Such as Fuck.]
-Point withdrawn. Shadow you have lost this argument.-
[Yea hear that Shadow? That’s the sound of fucking logic.]
(Every time I come into your mind I want to never come back. I came to tell you Dream Cloud will be running late. You will have to begin this fight solo.)
{Fucktastic. Now leave and never mindrape me again. That’s something only Vinyl can do.}
That comment seemed to shock her enough to leave. Whoop de fucking do.
______________________________________________________________________________
I arrived in a clearing.
{Where the hell is this dragon?}
^We should prep for the coming battle first. Permission to release?^
{In due time Omega. I want to be fully prepped before I go on a kill spree.}
^Copy that.^
{Okay. Omega perform whatever healing we learned. Anything and everything. Reaper, get rid of these wings, Soren prepare a cig so we look badass while fighting.}
[Copy that delta niner we are go for cigarette.]
My horn lit up and my wings immediately disappeared. My aches from last night went away as well.{She may not look it but Vinyl is a sexual tiger in bed.}
[Damn right. I’m still feeling that one position. Where the hell did she learn that?]
^THE DRAGON!^
I snapped out of my internal monologue. I had a cigarette in my mouth, and a fedora on my head. I heard a roar.
BOOM!!!
A fucking huge ass monstrosity slammed down in front of me. It lifted its head and let out a roar, coupled with a stream of flame. I’m pretty sure I shit myself.
[We are so totally fucked.]
The dragon reared its head back and fired flames at me. I held my cigarette out and lit it with the dragons flames.
“Thanks for the help!” Even in the face of death, I am a smartass. Flames licked my body, but I felt nothing. I noticed that I had a black shield around my body. Oh hell yes. I was perfectly content to bask in the flames, but the dragon quickly realized that wasn’t working. It then started charging me. Two black swords grew out of my hooves. I stood on my back two legs...and fell back down. The dragon was still charging me, so I rolled out of the way Solo style.
{Soren we ain’t gonna be able to fight without hands. Can you change me back?}
[Sorry, can’t do that. However we could make an aura with shadows. Same effect.]
{Do it.}
My vision shifted upward. I felt my fingers. The dragon stared at me, slightly surprised by my change in looks. “Now. It’s our turn.” All of our mind had converged into one being. I flipped my shadow swords out again. The dragon dashed at me again. I slid to the side and jumped onto its back. I threw one of my swords up into the air, and slammed them both into the back of the dragon.
“Show off.” An unfamiliar voice said. I craned my neck to get a good view of him. He was a pegasus with a long blue mane that had grey streaks in it. He had an ocean blue coat. I couldn’t at the moment see if it was Dream Cloud, but since no one else knew of this location, or so Celestia told me.
“Well it’s about damn time. What did you fucking walk over here?”
“Yes.” I swear to god his face had distorted into a trollface. I had a feeling that bitch Celestia hanged us out to dry.
*I have lost faith in our ruler. Remind me to boop her on the nose next time we see her.*
[...You’re still a pussy Shadow.]
*Well then you should be all over me.*
{Guys quit your bitching. We have dragon ass to kick.} I slid down the dragon’s back with the swords still in its back. It screamed in pain, and blood started pouring from the wound. I took a lick. “Eh. I’ve tasted better liquor. What else ya got?”
Then something really scary happened. The wounds healed. In a second. Oh shit.
[On a scale of one to Mad Twilight, how fucked are we?]
{Over 9000!}
I only barely felt the hit. I went flying. The only thing I really noticed was that the dragon and boobs. She was a chick. The gears in my head already started turning as I fell into the cave. I already had a plan worked out. Now I just want to see how Dream Cloud handles himself.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
Dream Cloud’s POV
I watch as Midnight gets knocked into the cave. I turn back toward the dragon. It was grinning. Bitch must think she’s already won. Well that bitch can eat her heart out.
“Hey bitch!” The dragon turns to look at me. I bare my teeth in a sardonic grin.
“Come at me bro.” This takes it over the edge. It lashes out at me. If it weren’t for my lightning fast reflexes and my parkour abilities I would’ve been doomed. I quickly realized there was no way I could win this fight. My cutie mark was a dagger and a cloud! Not a sword and shield! I’m a sneaker not a fighter! The dragon rears its ugly head up. I rolled to the side Solo-style as flames cover the area I was just at. I am doomed. I am so totally fucked.
“Midnight! Could use some help here!”
A familiar voice called back. “Never thought you’d ask!”
5 minutes earlier
Midnight Shadow’s POV
{Me}
[Soren]
^Midnight Shadow^
*Omega*
-Reaper-
I took in my wonderful surroundings. Rocks, and plenty of shadows. Perfect.
-I have a plan.- Visions of creating a giant flaming sword and slaughtering the dragon went into my mind.
[Yeaaa. Or we could do it my way.] Soren’s plan flashed through my head.
{That’s so crazy, it could work. Let’s roll with Soren’s thing.}
-Fine. Just this once.-
My horn flashed, and Soren started fashioning a giant fake penis out of the shadows. Once it was finished, I started creeping to the cave entrance. I watched as Dream Cloud started getting his ass kicked.
“Midnight! Could use some help here!”
I quickly shouted out my own response. “Never thought you’d ask!”
I ran out of the cave with my giant fake penis and slammed it into the dragon’s clit. She screamed out in ecstasy. I was right, she was still a virgin. I quickly spit out a good one liner. “Ya know, I hear the first time is always the hardest!” I slammed the dildo into her vagina with terrifying force. I pulled it back out to slam it back in. Her groans continued as my thrusting grew quicker. I could almost sense she was about to go over the edge. However I also sensed that her magical defenses were failing. I gave a nod over to Dream Cloud, and he flew up into the air. I hope he got the message. I kept going, making my thrusts harder and harder. Suddenly she froze up, and shrieked out. Right then, Dream Cloud pulled off a freaking sonic rain nuke and smashed into the dragon. The dragon collapsed to the ground, before turning into a golden dust.
-Back to the Tartarus with you foul demon.-
[I’ll let that slide once. Only cause you let me do my thing.]
-Well that is where it goes.-
I shook off my voices, and looked back at the glittery voices. “FUS RO DAH!” Nothing happened.
[Eh. Worth a shot.]
I turned to Dream Cloud. I suppose some congratulations were in order. “Hey Dream Cloud! Rad Rain Nuke ya pulled off there.”
He put a hoof over his mouth. “Copy that. 25 Killstreak. Tactical Rain Nuke incoming.”
It looked fun, so I decided to try it out. “Hate detected, firing orbital friendship cannon.” In a few minutes we could barely breathe.
“Hey Shadow, we should hang out more often.”
“Well hell where do you live anyway?”
“Canterlot. Celestia keeps me there.”
“Why don’t ya stick with me in Las Pegasus? I’m getting a house there myself real soon. ‘Till then you could probably spend the night at Vinyl’s place.”
“Why are you sleeping there?”
“Doesn’t matter, as long as you don’t mind sleeping on the couch and animal noises coming from the bedroom.”
“Damn bro. You deserve this brohoof.” He held his hoof out to me. I bumped it. Why the hell not? I needed some friends. I picked my fedora up off the ground and set it on my head.
Dream Cloud’s POV
I masked my disappointment at hearing he was into wome, I mean mares. God that was hard to get right. Still, this guy was VERY good looking, and...
Dammit Kayo. Stop this right now. You know damn well he will never like you like that. I mean look at his damn cutie mark! Don’t get your hopes up. Sadly my internal argument didn’t work, and I started feeling heat from a very unwelcome place. I shook my head, and continued focusing on the path to Las Pegasus. I wonder how I’ll be able to stand being in the same house as this sexy guy... Dammit. Can’t let my thoughts trail there. I noticed his beautiful lips were saying something. Oh shit it was to me!
“Sorry, what? I was kinda lost in myself.”
“I asked what your real name was. We’re both bronies, and since we’re friends...”
Right. Friends. And that is all we will ever be. “My name was Kayo.”
“Kayo. Nice name. Mine was Tanner.”
Tanner. What a wonderful name. Like a lullaby. And he even thought my name was kinda cool!
"Most people thought it was weird."
"Phh so? Dude I have 4 other voices in my head these days. Weird don't mean shit to me. When people thought I was weird I shot em the bird and told em to fuck off! Trust me man, your cool in my book and that makes you a fucking badass. I mean hell you went head to head with a fucking dragon!"
"So did you."
"Yea but my magical powers would make Twi blush. Your obviously a stealth fighter. Yet you had the balls to stare down a fucking dragon!"
"Well when you put it that way...I guess I am a bit of a badass."
"Damn right bro." We brohoofed again. God I am loving him more and more. He makes everything seem so much better... He stopped talking after that. Probably was talking to the voices in his head. I didn't care. He had made me happy. For the first time in a while, I smiled a real smile.
Midnight Shadow's POV
-He is gay.-
[Probably. No scratch that. No doubt.]
{Be nice guys. He's a cool gay guy. Like Wallace.}
*Eh. He seems cool enough. As long as he likes ponies... I mean ya know what they say Love and Tolerate.*
{I'm going with Shadow on this one. What's the harm? He seems like he gets that I'm straight and happy.} I looked over at Dream Cloud. He was even smiling now. {And he's happy too. What's not to love?}
[Fine. But if he kisses us...]
{He won't.}
*Hey guys. Uber fan of everything here. Just thought I should mention. What did we learn from Skyrim?*
{That dragons always travel in packs of three where I am conce...oh shit. You don't think?} My self posed question was answered by two roars. Two huge dragons landed on the path. One blocked the way forward and the other blocked the way back.
"Fuck my luck."
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
"Sonuvabitch! I just can't get a goddamn break today!" Dream Cloud jumped into the tall trees. I sure as hell hope he's preparing a sneak attack.
{Uh Omega? Soren? We got trouble.}
*Our magical reserves are at 0%.*
[Sorry man but nothing is gonna happen 'till we can get our reserves back to 50%. Even then the aura won't be as strong.]
{Fuck.}
i cracked my hooves as one of the dragons reared up. I dodged out of the way as it shot hellfire onto my last position. I rolled right into the tail whip by the other dragon. Oww.
{Omega can you heal me? I think my rib is broken.}
^Affirmative.^ My horn flashes and I immediately feel better. I look at the one behind me.
"Hey bitch! That hurt like a motherfucker!" Rage burned in it's eyes. Okay. So not my best one-liner. The dragon ran towards me. I rolled to the other side and bucked the first dragon in its face. This only seemed to piss it off more. Shit. Suddenly Dream Cloud zoomed underneath the first one and bucked it in its weaker stomach. It howled in pain before swatting Dream Cloud over to me.
“Nice try.”
“Thanks. But now what the hell are we going to do?”
“FIGHT!” I hopped into the air and roundhouse kicked one of the dragons in the face. It seemed to have been dazed by my loud shouting. Hmm...
^Magical reserves at 20% and climbing.^
{Could we conjure something up?}
^Only something you know really well.^
I willed my electric guitar into existence. With a little more exertion, my old amplifier came to. After that I quickly made a cable and a pick. I slammed the cable into my guitar and switched the amp on.
“WE ARE SEX BOMB-OMB AND WE’RE HERE TO KICK YOUR ASS WITH THE POWER OF ROCK AND ROLL!” I slammed out a power chord with my amp turned up to 12. Cause 11 ain’t badass enough. I quickly pulled out a sloppy rendition of the opening song to Scott Pilgrim VS. The World.(Just for those who didn’t already get the reference.) I then felt strong enough to conjure a mic and passed it to Dream Cloud.
“What am I gonna sing?”
“Trust me. You’ll know this song.”
I then began to blast out a heavy metal rendition of the My Little Pony theme. Dream Cloud started screaming out the lyrics. The dragons were writhing around on the ground while covering their ears. However my extreme breaking of the fourth wall didn’t seem to kill them. Damn. Then something amazing happened. Two pairs of pitch black earplugs appeared in their ears. They got up, and started staring at me and Dream Cloud.
“Uh. Cloud? I think we’re kinda fucked.”
“What do we do know?”
“Um...run sounds good.” I then turned tail and started running with my tail between my legs. Literally it was stuck there. I quickly brushed it away, and it went back to being kinda poofy. Right running. I saw Dream Cloud next to me keeping pace. This is totally gonna work. This is definitely gonna work. There’s no way this isn’t gonna work.
SLAM
One of the dragons had flown ahead and was now blocking my path. Why the hell did I think that was gonna work. We were now back to square one, completely blocked by the impenetrable forest and two angry dragons.
“Shit.”
“Shit.” Dream Cloud agreed.
^Magical reserves at 100% capacity.^
[AWW HELL YEA!]
{Well it’s about fucking time.}
Dream Cloud leaned over to me. “What’s the plan?”
“No plan. Just bigger guns.” Before he could ask what that meant, I let my aura come up. With it came a little surprise from Reaper. An ACR 6.8. My favorite tool of murder.
{Hold up. Reaper...where’s the clip? Ya know the ammo?}
-I will make the ammo as we go. Just focus on pulling the trigger.-
{Sounds good.}
I lined up the nearest dragon into my sights. Pffat Pffat Pffat. I fired off 3 short bursts into its face. They all struck, and golden ichor started pouring from the dragon’s wound. This time they didn’t close up. I then turned to the other. Pffat Pffat Pffat. My bullets had little effect this time, so I decided to do this the old fashioned way. Two swords swung into my arms, and my ACR dissipated.
“Dream Cloud. Give me a boost.” He grabbed me and flew into the air. Then he threw me towards the dragon. “WOLVERINE!!!!!!” I slammed into the dragon’s head. I hacked and slashed its eyes until they were nothing more than jelly, then slid down its back with my swords plunged into its scaly skin. Finally, for the grand finale, I slid underneath the beast. My swords quickly switched to pistols, and I fired into the things weak stomach. I slid out right as the beast fell.
“Call me Dragonborn.” Dream Cloud slapped my hoof before kneeling.
“O Hail the Mighty Dragonborn!”
“Yet for the life of me I still can’t use Fus Ro Dah.” We both started laughing. I then flipped my phone out and cued up Celestia’s number.
“Hello Midnight Shadow.”
“Your dirty work is done. Next time try not to kill me.” I then clicked it off. Dream Cloud stared at me.
“What? She could’ve told me that there were three dragons and not just one.”
“Eh. I guess she does deserve it.”
We then started trotting back home to Las Pegasus.
Dream Cloud’s POV
Here’s my chance. I could hold him close against me, smell his mane, feel his coat.
“I could give you a lift.” I offered. Celestia I hope I don’t sound pushy.
“Naw. I got it covered.” Suddenly two very majestic wings popped out from his sides. He took to the skies. I did too, but for an entirely different reason. I needed to cover up my wingboner.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
here
This is the best copy. I recommend downloading it. I did pay more attention to this one though, but the blood scene is better in my google docs version.
{Protip! You should listen to the Mission Impossible theme, for the entire time. If it stops, go back and turn it back on. Here’s a link to a good one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pO2vLRrMWc&feature=related }
-{Danny Ocean Montage me.}-
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
DREAM CLOUD’S POV
I hate tight spaces. Let me emphasize on that. I HATE tight spaces. Unless...No don’t let your thoughts go there. Damn! C’mon. Gotta focus on the mission. According to the feed Midnight Shadow was putting through my head I was about 1 klick away from the security console.
Hold up. What the hell is a klick?
It’s a kilometer.
Why didn’t you just say kilometer?
Klick sounds cooler.
The reason’s I don’t reason with him. He’s making it harder for me to adore him with each passing second.
Yo. I’m looking at two tango’s in the first objective. Take them out quiet like.
Got it.
Ha. Stealth kill. That’s an easy one. Just move this grate here, and...Go. I dropped like a feather, landing on the one to the left. Before his partner could speak, I flipped over him and snapped his neck. Ezio would be proud.
Nice work.
-{The next step is the easiest one. All you have to do is press the big red button. Then I’ll come rushing in.
Why?
The big red button releases all prisoners. When it happens without an authorization code, the facility starts going into lockdown. Oh, and an alarm goes off.
I’m liking this plan less and less.}-
Okay. Just like in the plan. Big red button... big red button..Ah! There we go. God I hope this works. I slam the big red button and what do ya know? A loud klaxon goes off.
Alright. Whatever your gonna do. Do it now.
Midnight Shadow’s POV
Whatever your gonna do. Do it now.
-{What next?
Well to be honest...I’m just gonna improvise.
We are so totally fucked.}-
I heard the sirens as soon as he said that. Here goes improvising. I ran over to the ledge of the building and jumped off. I landed in a roll, and kept running towards the prison.
{Protip. Right now, this song fits more. LET’S GO COMBAT!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Rmf5JVeAgY&feature=relmfu }
At this point I simply let my instincts take over. I had no weapons, and I didn’t really have any magic. So...Here goes nothing. I look at the security booth. They had seen me. Well shit. I already knew how this was gonna look. I slowed to a stop in front of the checkpoint.
“Attention flankhole! We know your friend is in there. Tell us where he is, and you won’t get hurt.”
“...Hey buddy?”
“Yea?”
“You really better hope the first shot kills me.”
“What the-” I cut him off mid sentence. I rushed up to him and bucked him into his neck. His head snapped back. I barely saw the cold look in his eyes. I had already moved over to the next stallion. To hoofs to his stomach, then an elbow onto his head. I stumbled a bit. Standing on my hind legs was still a bit difficult. My stumbling gave one of the other ponies time to bring up his rifle...wait a second. Ponies have guns? BLAM! SHIT! And apparently they shoot real bullets. I stared at the unicorn holding the gun. He just sorta sat there trembling.
“You bucking shot me! You seriously just bucking shot me!”
“Oh sorry. I didn’t mean to.” I facehoofed at this. These are officially the worst guards ever. Of all time. I ran up to him and hoofed him in the mouth. Before his head even moved from the force, I flipped him around and bucked him in his stomach. He flew into the wall and slumped to the ground. I had grabbed his gun with my magic. I had enough to use simple levitation spells apparently.
^And enough to fix that bullet wound.^
Now that my adrenaline was fading, I realized that bullet wounds hurt. A lot.
{That would be wonderful.}
A quick flash from my horn and I was healed...a bit. I could still feel the wound, but when I looked it wasn’t there.
^We didn’t have enough to fully heal it. The wound is closed, but that’s about it.^
{Thanks. I think that will do for now.}
[The hell you thinkin?! That hurts like a bitch!]
{We’ll live. Now hurry the hell up. We have two more of these before the actual prison.}
Yo Cloud? How you holding up in there buddy?
Dream Cloud’s POV
Yo Cloud? How you holding up in there buddy?
Well. I haven’t died yet. However in the mass chaos it’s almost impossible to find Shade.
Well I gave him a message that he should stay in his cell. Maybe you should just go cell to cell?
Sounds like a plan.
That conversation was 10 minutes ago. I had been looking through cells all that time. That was all my thought process was now. Turn head left, turn head right. There was never anypony in them of course, yet I still had to check. This might be the worst job ever. Of all time. Hay I think another minute just passed. Turn head left. Nope. Turn head rig-SWEET CELESTIA WHAT THE HELL?
I was looking at...a hanging body. He was bleeding everywhere. There was blood on the walls, blood beneath him, blood on the rope. No wait, all that had dried. I looked back to the pony. He looked remarkably like Midnight Shadow. He had a pure white coat, but the same red and black hair. However his was very disheveled. I looked back at the wall. Sweet Celestia! I could make out words written in the blood.
My name is Skybreak.
Pinned up next to the words were...his wings. He had cut off his own damned wings!
Dream Cloud! Did you find him yet? Dream Cloud do you read me?
Sor...sorry Shadow. I just...saw something. In one of the cells.
Wanna talk about it?
That’d be nice.
Alright. If we get out of this I’ll sit you on my lap and you can tell Papa Shadow all about it.
Why do I put up with you?
Cause I am the sexiest pony around.
I sighed. Turning away from the gruesome scene infront of me, I continued my progression down the hall. Look left. Look right. Keep walking.
Midnight Shadow’s POV
I had made it past the second security booth, and had a few scars to show for my efforts. Dream Cloud had just cut the link. I wonder what was troubling him.
[Can we really worry about that right now?]
I eyed the next checkpoint. Soren had a point. I had bigger fish to fry.
{Protip. The More probably stopped, but that’s okay. I have another song that’s just as good.You can find it[url=]://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSr58oEY5lo&feature=relmfu ] here[/url].}
They had two turrets set up. Twenty guards with guns pointing towards me. And all I had? Scars,disheveled hair, and two...smgs I think. Well I haven’t lost yet. Here we go.
“Well. Shouldn’t break my streak of stupidity, so here goes. LEEEEERROOOOYYYYYYYY!!!!!!” This made all the guards turn to me. They were dazed for a second, probably thinking I wouldn’t be this stupid. Well...I showed them!
“JEEEEEEENNNNKKKIIIINNNSSSSS!!!!!” I slid down, and fired both of my smgs. Bullets started flying towards me. I got back up and started running towards the only place the turrets couldn’t reach. Sadly, this was towards the twenty guards. I had taken out two though. They had spread out, and were now behind cover. I still fired my smgs, in a vain hope they would do something. CLICK! Well. Looks like I got my wish. I dissipated the levitation spell.
{Any ideas?}
[Kick some ass, and chew some bubblegum. And we’re all outta gum.]
{Well. Here goes.}
I jumped into the air, and slammed my hooves into two stallions. I fluidly moved to the closest guard, and grabbed him with my levitation spell. Bullets slammed into him. I threw him into another guard. 6 down, 14 to go. I did a cartwheel over to the next guard and bucked his head back. I was landed on my two back hooves...and didn’t stumble. Looks like I’ve finally got used to this!
^I’m holding you up.^
{Killjoy.}
I got back onto four hooves. I had a few more bullet wounds now. I groaned in pain as two earlier scars opened back up. I slammed into the next guard, but staggered afterward. Another two bullets into my back. I coughed out a bit of blood. I don’t think I’m gonna make it out of this one. Still, in the face of danger, I can continue to be a smartass.
“Is...That. All you’ve. COUGH. Got?” I fell to my hooves. Well. I had a nice run. Looks like there’s nothing left to do but die.
^Magical Reserves at 100%.^
{Wow. Plot convenience. I love you so much.}
I looked up into someponies muzzle. No. Not his gun muzzle. His actual muzzle. I turned around to see guns all around me. This probably looked bad to the outside observer. Good thing I had an ace up my sleeve
[We aren’t wearing sleeves.]
{Fuck you Soren. Just fuck you.}
“Any last words?”
“A few. What’s your name?”
“Storm Wing. I’m warren of this prison.” I had hide my grin. Apparently in my Equestria, he was yet to be a captain. Sadly, I’m going to be delaying that...forever.
“Well. This changes my one liner. Instead I’ll settle for a simple...C’mon everypony. Say it with me. SCREW CAPTAIN STORM WING!” I summoned up my aura. And my old friend Desert Eagles. BAM BAM! “It appears you are no longer a part of the Being Alive club.” I turned to view the guards around me. I saw one of them shit onto the ground.
“Boo motherfucker.” Two of them ran. I slid into one of the runners and knocked him to the ground. The other received a bullet through his cute pony head. (Look. Ponies are cute. This is actually psychological trauma. I am feeling pain here. It breaks my heart that It has to...okay who the hell am I kidding.) I emptied the rest of my clips into the few remaining guards. Well improvising worked pretty well.
Yo Dream Cloud? I’m at the door. Get Shade and get your ass out of there I don’t think I’ll be able to take any more guards, and I’m pretty sure more are coming.
Only if you say get my hawt ass out of there.
Get your hawt ass out here Dream Cloud-
Well if you insist.
So I can kick it to the moon. I hate when people cut me off.
PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER!
{Soren...what the hell did you do to him?}
[Maybe we should walk into his mind...just to make sure it didn’t scramble him too bad.]
I heard this song playing in his mind, and knew we had either done the right thing, or fucked everything up.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-(sorry for forgetting you last episode!)
Alright Shadow. I got Shade, and I’m at the door. Any ideas?
I took a look around. No controls for the doors. No buttons. No...anything really. There was only the door, and the two columns holding the...wait a second.
Yea. I got a plan. Uh...back away from the door.
[This plan is suicide.]
^Preparing complex levitation spell.^
[Seriously. We will die. We won’t have enough magic for a shield.]
I tossed my cigarette away. {I’m prepared to take that risk.}
[Just for the only stoner in Equestria?]
{You know as well as I do. We have to get weed to Pinkie Pie.}
[...Fine. I hope you know what you’re doing.]
{No fucking clue.}
^Casting spell.^
A quick flash from my horn, and the two turrets were lifted from their mountings. I slowly moved them down, then turned them toward me and the door. It took them all of 5 seconds to lock on to the only remaining target. Me.
“FOR WEED!!!!” In hindsight. Not my best battle cry. And considering I wasn’t even battling...I was just making sure that the 3,000 bullets flying all around me weren’t hitting me. Yea, definitely not my best battle cry. I flipped, rolled, slid, and eventually just did the fucking Macarena. But my crazy as plan was working! I risked a glance behind me to check the doors condition. Maybe 5 more seconds and it would be through.
Dream Cloud. Get ready.
For what?
To answer his question, the bullets finally broke through the door. I’ll admit it. At this point I turned tail and galloped through the opening. I got behind the wall right as Dream Cloud peeked out. He immediately dropped back behind cover.
“Shadow what the hell? THIS WAS YOUR PLAN?”
“COUGH Yea. It was the best I had. Oh shit is that blood?” I had indeed coughed out a little more blood. Dream Cloud finally got a look at my back. Apparently I had gained a few more shots to the back during my mad dash inside the prison. I think that adds up to around 20 bullets in me in all. Roughly.
“SWEET CELESTIA! THE HAY HAPPENED?”
“I ran into some trouble at the checkpoints. It’s nothing.” It would’ve been believable if I hadn’t groaned in pain right then.
“Like hell it isn’t. Shade? Can you fix him up?”
I turned over to Shade, wincing as I did so. “I don’t know. I don’t think weed’ll help me.”
“I’m a healer. Or I was, till I found the ‘Healing properties’ of a certain green friend.”
“Well...then the hell are you waiting on? I’m pretty sure I’m dying over here.”
“Stop your bitching for a second would you? There. Feel better.” A bright flash from his horn had removed all of my pain. I still had holes all over my body, but I couldn’t feel them anymore.
“That’s wonderful. Thanks.”
Shade nodded. “Least I could do. You saved my ass from a life sentence.”
“Damn! A life sentence?”
“Weed hasn’t been around for a 1,000 years. There’s a damn good reason for that. Every time a guy gets caught, they don’t let him out. Apparently it’s like poison or something. Course in truth it has a lot of healing abilities. More than I think even the Princess herself knows.”
“Oh...That makes sense. Anyway, anyone got a plan for how to get past the turrets?”
They both looked at me with surprise. Dream Cloud was the first to speak. “I thought you had a plan!”
I pulled out my flask. It was refilled again...well hell! Magic how I love you! I took a swig. “Nope. I’ve been making it up as I go along.”
“Well can’t you move em?”
Another swig. “Nope. I’m all out of magic. I’m barely able to lift my flask.”
“So what? We’re stuck here?”
Another swig. Odd. This didn’t taste exactly like my usual drink. It tasted like whiskey yes, but had a sort of apple tinge. It wasn’t exactly bad.
*I’m pretty sure we’re drinking AppleJack Daniels.*
{I think you’re right.}
“Nope. I just gotta get a plan.”
“So you’re drinking? Really?”
Shade decided to butt in right now. “Hey! I had some of my best ideas under the influence of weed. I’m not at all surprised he could get an idea while drinking.”
I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Hmm. I waved my hoof in the air. “I’m just gonna elaborate here. We are pressed down by turrets yes?” They nodded. “Turrets can not reload. Correct?”
They nodded again, looking somewhat irritated. “Turrets must be able to run out of bullets right?” They nodded, seeming to grasp my logic. “So all we have to do is make them run out bullets! Then we can walk on through.”
“So what? You want to run back and forth to make them run out of bullets?”
“Nope. I have a much better idea.” I took a final swig from my flask.
{Omega? Give me some rage would ya?}
^Are you sure?^
{Positive.}
“Alright guys. Stand back.” They both looked at me questioningly.
I felt adrenaline course through my veins. I felt like I could take on the whole damn world! However, I still had a plan.
“EVERYPONY IN THE PRISON! THE EXIT IS THIS WAY!
“Uh...guys? A little help?”
“DUDE!? YOU JUST BUCKING KILLED A PONY!” I think that was Dream Cloud. Couldn’t see through the body.
“Get him the hell off me and I’ll tell you my logic.” I felt a pair of hooves tugging the body away. Once it was free I looked up into Dream Clouds fretful eyes.
“He might have been a killer. Look. I’ll help my stoner friend break out of jail, but I draw my line at helping a murderer. He could have been a pedophile. A rapist. He could have been a mass murder. He could have killed innocent little children. Like hell is he going to get off on a free ride.” Dream Cloud’s eyes started watering.
“It’s reasons like this that are the reasons I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you.”
[Oh god. He isn’t going to-]
Soren got cut off by Dream Cloud putting his lips up against mine. My mouth gasped open in surprise. I quickly felt his tongue start exploring my mouth.
[Okay I’m not taking this bullshit. Reaper, execute plan Alpha Delta Niner.]
-Am I supposed to know what that means?-
[Execute plan Dream Cloud approached us.]
-Oh yes. That plan.-
I could barely ask what they were talking about. My thoughts were too occupied with getting Dream Cloud the hell off me to notice the flash from my horn. Suddenly Dream Cloud dropped off me. He looked at me in surprise, before spitting.
“What the hell? What the fuck was I doing?!” I’m sorry. What?
“Cloud? You alright?” He opened his mouth to answer, but instead slumped to his ground with his eyes rolled into his head.
[Oh shit. I don’t think that was supposed to happen. Reaper was that supposed to happen?]
-Didn’t happen last time I used this spell.-
{What spell? What the hell did you do to him?}
[Well...we uh...kinda...umm...]
-We brainwashed him. He should now be straight.-
*Wait. You guys attempted a brainwashing spell before we had fully recharged our magic?*
{Okay. I think we fucked something up.} I cast a look to Dream Cloud. He had started convulsing. {Okay. I’m pretty sure we fucked something up.}
[Yea. I think your right.]
“Uh Shadow? What the hay is happening to him?”
“I...truly don’t know. Help me carry him, we still have to get the hell out of here.”
With our combined simple levitation spells, we were able to gallop the hell away from the prison. I looked back, just to see what we had accomplished one last time. Out of the corner of my eye, I could’ve sworn I saw a speck of orange. When I blinked, it was no longer there. Weird. I turned back around and focused on getting the hell away. By the time the cops showed up, we were long gone.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
We got back to Shade’s bar just as the sun was coming up. Dream Cloud had stopped convulsing, but still hadn’t woken up. I was almost afraid he was dead, but I could hear a heartbeat. I turned towards Shade. He looked like shit.
“Shade. Go get some sleep.”
“What about him?”
“I have a plan.”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, Shade nodded and slumped to the floor. I wanted to join him so badly, but I had a duty. I had to think of a plan.
[Maybe we should go into his mind. Ya know, to make sure we didn’t fuck him up too much.]
{Well I don’t have a better plan. Can we do that?}
[I dunno. Reaper, could we do that.]
-Hmm. Let me see. Yes I remember a spell that could do that. Princess Celestia herself made it. Its original purpose was to go inside Nightmare Mo- -
[I wanted to know if you could do it. I didn’t ask for the spell’s life story.]
-Well...It’s outside our range of magic. We can probably do it, but we may not be able to cast ANY magic for a few days. There’s even the possibility of us never being able to cast magic again.-
{I’ll take the risk. Put me in there. No one else. Just me.}
-Here goes.- My horn started glowing. The pain was excruciating. It felt like my blood became lava, and then froze. -Okay. Now touch your horn to his head.- I roughly stumbled over to Dream Cloud’s unconscious body, groaning all the while. I fell onto his chest, and just barely touched my horn to his head. And then everything went black.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
I heard this song playing in his mind, and knew we had either done the right thing, or fucked everything up. It was all white in his mind, but there were two chairs in the middle. On one side was Dream Cloud, and on the other was...Dream Cloud? They both turned towards me.
“Yo homie! How’s it going!”
“Oh! Shadow. I didn’t see you there. You weren’t peeking in on me were you? Dirty boy.”
I’m leaning towards we fucked everything up.
“Okay umm. Well this is weird as hell.”
“Yea I know. Seeing two Dream Cloud’s. It is pretty weird isn’t it.”
“Would you like me to run the video?”
“I’ll do it Cloudie. Knowing you, it’ll be gay porn or something.”
“Really Cloud? You think I’d do that? I’m offended!”
“Hurt Cloudie?”
“...Wounded Cloud.”
Okay hold up. Is this really what is going on in my mind? Wow. I really DO have problems don’t I?
“Okay...look you two.” They both turned towards me. “I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on here. I split you into two different personalities. You two are exactly the same, except one is straight, the other is gay.”
“So we’re bisexual?” They said that at the exact same time. Okay. Even I don’t do that. This is becoming fucking ridiculous.
“Well, in a sense yes. Now luckily for you, I can help.”
“How could you help?”
“Yea what makes you an expert eh Shadow?”
“Because I have 4 other voices in my head, and three of them are alternate personalities. I am the expert on split personalities.” This made them speechless. “Also, one of those personalities is the reason you’re like this.”
“Wait. You can USE your other personalities?”
“That’s pretty badass bro. Probably doesn’t go down well with the chicks though.”
“Nah. Drove all my girlfriends away. Anyway, point is I have a few pointers. First, the straight guy needs a different name.”
“Why do I have to change my name? Why doesn’t Cloudie change his name?”
“Because...wait a second.” I stroked my metaphysical chin. “Cloud...make the color blue.”
The original Cloud tried and failed to change the white to blue. The straight Cloud did it without any trouble.
“Okay...well. Looks like the original Cloud has to change his name. He is no longer in charge of his mind. Soren really did a number on you.”
“Wait. So this straight idiot is currently in charge of my body?”
“Wait. So I can go pick up chicks? Ah hell yes!”
“So...I’m gonna leave you two to pick the original Dream Cloud’s name. I recommend Khayo.”
I am never going into anyone else’s mind ever again.
View Online
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
My Little Universe Destroyer, 5th Wall Abuse is Magic!
(Hey guys! Authors note! I really just wanted to fuck around a bit. This chapter is a result of boredom and drinking. Do not take it to seriously.)
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
WHOOP! WHOOP! I’m sorry. I just got mind fucked and THIS is what I wake up to? Fuck you universe. Fuck you kindly.
[And rape yourself with a horn!]
{Thanks for the input Sor}
[Anything to help.]
“Attention Assholes!” Gawd, these stallions are all the same. “We have you surrounded! We know you are in there Shade and Company!” Wow! Don’t even know...wait. They don’t know our names!
-We can use this.-
{You’re damn right we can!}
I turned towards Shade, who had begun shaking and freakin out. He was going completely apeshit about going back to jail.
“Shit colt what we gonna do? What we gonna buckin do?” I slapped him across the face.
“Get a hold of yourself stallion! Let’s just think aight? Now I don’t think they know who broke you out of jail, a.k.a me and Cloudy over there, so you should be able to hide at my place. Err...Scratch’s place.”
“Think she’ll let us stay?”
“No, but I hope I can make a deal with her” Shade gave me a hoof to the shoulder.
“Thanks brony. I owe you one.”
*Wow! They really do say that in Equestria. It’s not just in Equestria Girls!*
{I guess so. Hey Reaper? Think we can teleport?}
-What part of we won’t have magic for three days do you not understand?-
{A no would’ve sufficed smartass.}
[Yea don’t take my job asshole. I’m the resident smartass. So cool your jets anarchist!”]
Well. That might have been a problem...if we didn’t have a pegasus!
“We are coming in if you do not come out in 30 seconds. At that point we WILL be authorized to use lethal force.” Well that puts a bit of a damper in the plan. I turned towards the still slumbering Dream Cloud.
“Shade. Help me get him upstairs.” He nodded. I grabbed his front two hooves with my hooves (Don’t ask how that shit works. I’m wrapping my head around it right now. Seriously. Da fuq?) and Shade grabbed the back two with magic. Damn I’m gonna miss magic. We trotted up the stair to the manager’s office. As soon as we closed the door, I heard the cops break down the one downstairs. We’re running low on time. I dropped Dream Cloud to the ground. He groaned but didn’t wake up. I kicked him in the nuts.
“OWW! FUCKBERRIES! MY FUCKBERRIES!” Damn! Straight Cloud is gonna crack me up. “What the hay man! Sonuvabitch!” Bet it’s still hell in his mind. Then again it’s still hell in my mind!
[It’s always hell in your mind.]
“Look Cloud. We got a situation. Cop’s are here, my magic’s fucked to hell from saving your ass, and we need to get to Vinyl’s place.” As soon as I said cop’s he perked up. He jumped to his hooves, stretched out his wings, and opened up the window.
“Right then. All aboard the Cloud Express.” I laughed as I hopped on his back.
“Why the sudden change of heart?”
“Sweet Celestia your heavy.” He paused. “Just think about it. A guy with a gay alter ego...in prison. Take a guess why I’m keen to GTFO.” I could see it now. Him arguing with Khayo about whether or not to pick up the soap.
“I get the picture. Pick up Shade, we can run like hell.”
By the time the cops got into the office, we were halfway to Vinyl’s place.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
The sun was high in the sky by the time we reached Vinyl’s. Yet she still didn’t answer the door when we rang the doorbell. Nor did she open it when we knocked. DJs. AMIRITE?
[Yea you’re right. We still remember how hard it was to wake your lazy ass up.]
{Oh fuck you Soren. We needed that gig money.}
[But did we need the drinks and the bitches?]
{THOSE WERE YOUR IDEAS!}
[...Fuck you.]
-Ahem. How does Celestia put it?-
[Reaper don’t you fucking-]
-Mmm. Pussywhipped.-
[God dammit. Today is just not my day.]
{Silence. We need a plan.}
[Fuck that. Officially not helping. I’m gonna take a sick day.]
{God dammit. Sometimes, I hate myself for making you.}
[Ey! You didn’t make me. I made you.]
{Reaper? Any genius plans of ancient wisdom?}
-Why don’t we shoot our gun in the air?-
{How would we get said gun?}
-Earth Pony magic. They have access to the same void we do.-
*THAT EXPLAINS PINKIE PIE! WE MUST FIND TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND REPORT OUR DISCOVERY!*
{Yea yea. Cool your ass. You can have your chitchat with the lavender gal later. Right now...}
To answer my unsaid question, my USP.45 appeared in my hooves. Granted, not with any bullets, but all I needed was a loud noise. I dry fired my pistol into the air. A second later, the knob on the door turned and Vinyl came out. Looking like shit I might add.
“What the-” Her eyes grew wide as she looked to Shade, then me. “Get inside.” We all nodded, content just to have a place to hide for the time being. Once inside, Vinyl turned to me.
“What the HAY are you THINKING Shadow?”
“Well. To be honest I’m not.” Oh she looked pissed.
^Bad choice of words.^
{Great. NOW you tell me.}
“Look chill aight? The cops don’t know who busted our stoner buddy over there out. They won’t come here, I promise.” Please buy it, please buy it, please buy it.
“Will they earn their keep? Ain’t no way I can afford to pay for all these mouths. Unless Celestia wants a certain DJ at the Gala.” Of course. She wants money. All women want money.
“If they don’t, I’ll earn it for them.” I gave her a wink. “In more ways than one. Bow chicka bow wow.” She sighed.
“Fine. They sleep on the floor.” That shouldn’t be a problem. There was a good foot of clutter on the ground. “Shade will have to clean up the house.” Well. Fucks to be him. She paused, thinking of more things to force us to do. “Those lessons? They cost money now. AND once you’re good enough? You’re gonna have to do a gig with me.” Well. That fucks, but isn’t that surprising. “Also...you have to watch a TV show with me.” Hmm. That’s an interesting request.
[It’s so interesting, even I’ll bite.]
“What kind of show?”
“Well supposedly it’s just for little colts, but I think us mares can like it!” Wait. This sounds kinda familiar.
“What’s it about?”
“Oh y’know. The day to day lives of six human friends. It’s a very interesting show. You might like it.” Okay. I can kinda get the whole ‘Us being imaginary’ thing. Only makes sense. But there is something VERY familiar here. Hell, it’s on the tip of my pony little tongue.
“What is this show called?”
She answered with the confidence only a DJ could have. “My Little Human, Friendship is Science!”
My jaw hit the ground. My plot later joined it. I struggled to form coherent thoughts. Midnight Shadow was off helping the 5th wall back to its feet. Vinyl looked at me with...is that fear. Wait of COURSE it’s fear! I still remember when I told someone I was a brony.
“Sounds...legit.” She laughed. Whew. Bomb defused. Team A wins!
“It’s, what do you say, aight. You’re not a ho. I don’t expect you to understand. Nor do I expect you to like it.” And Vinyl continues to rape the 5th wall with her horn! Midnight walks away, knowing he can no longer help.
“Hos?” Eh. What the hell.
“Oh, it’s just what the fanbase calls itself.” Damn. I was right. Sorry 5th wall. “The fanbase is actually really awesome! They make music, and write some awesome stories. I don’t read books that often, but I am addicted to these fanfics!”
“Oh really? What’s your favorite one like?”
“Aww. You’re so sweet for attempting to care. Well if you must know it’s about this girl who goes to Earth. She has voices in her head, and is a stoner like Shade. She has a never ending supply of blunts.” Ya know. This sounds vaguely familiar. Can’t quite put my finger on it. “It’s called ‘A stoner’s memories from Earth.’ It’s written by HumaneHuman.” Okay. Fuck logic. I give up.
Hell, while we’re on the subject of breaking dimensional barriers, readers! For each like this story gets, I’ll put a dollar towards therapy for the fourth and fifth walls. Like now to help!
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
Day Two without magic. I was extremely hindered during sex last night.
[Hold up. Are you expecting anyone to give a damn?]
{Well. Yea. I think the readers do.}
-If you keep abusing the fourth wall like this, you may have to pay more than you thought for therapy.-
[Oh logic deserves to be fucked every now and again.]
I slowly opened my eyes. Once again, Vinyl was already up and out. The fuqs up with that? Whenever I need her she's sleepin, but whenever I don't she's up at like 6 in the fuckin morning!
[Yea! How come we never get any morning sex?]
^It's late afternoon.^
Damn. I was out. Then again I deserve some rest. I only launched an assualt on a guarded prison with only one other person. I think that gives me a few sick days. I turned over to read the note.
'Get a job.' Well, fuck that. I have better plans.
{Yo Celestia? Ya there?}
(Oh. So know you want to talk.)
{Ey! You like how big a pain I am in your ass.}
(...That seemed like a long way to go, even for you.)
[Bow chicka bow OWW! Shadow what was that for?]
*What'd i tell you about the Princess.*
[Damn your annoying.]
{Hey Dickheads! Cut the chatter. So Celestia, not to be blunt but uh...when do I get paid?}
(Oh silly me! I must have forgot to pay you! You see I've been up to my hooves in work. Apperently some idiot decided to break into the Las Pegasus Maximum Security Prison. You wouldn't happen to have heard something on that would you?)
{What? Hell I haven't even heard anything about this! When did this happen? Did any criminals escape?}
(Seems only two escaped. They were only in there for minor reasons though.)
{Oh good. Wouldn't want any mass murderers with grudges loose now would we? Anyway, bits?}
(Right of course you want to get paid. Weren't you like, a mercenary back on Earth?)
{Let's just say asskicking is one of my many talents.}
A sack of bit appeared in front of me. I gave it a tentative shake with my hooves. Ah the wonderful clink-clink of money.
(Now then. About speaking to you in private.)
{If you're to provide the transportation, I have no qualms.}
(Wonderful.)
A flash of light, and then I'm in the royal room thing.
{Shit Reaper what is this called?}
-This is the throne room.-
{Woah. Throne room. Sounds like heavy shit.}
-Y'don't say?-
The thrones were amazing! On one side, there was Celestia's. It shone of gold, and burned with the heat of the sun. On the other side was a dark obsidian throne. It radiated the cool of the night. It could only be the throne of the all powerful goddess of the night, Luna herself. Looking even more regal were the ponies in said thrones. But, not to miss a beat, I let my inner smartass take over.
"Oh wonderful. I think I've seen this one before though. Is it Snow White and the annoying ass bitch?"
A guard moved towards me. "Stay your tongue in the presence of royalty!" I'm sorry. What the fuck? I turned towards him.
"Ey buddy? Speak Equestrian for me. I can do it easily." This sent him into a fury. He ran towards me...and was given two cracks to the head. He slumped to the ground, and I stepped over him, eager to get closer to the Princesses. They both stared at me with open mouths.
"Right then Princess. Talking in private?" She quickly regained her regal composure. Damn.
"That is correct young Midnight Shadow. Please, come even closer." Okay. That sounded a little too Molestia for me. I tried to take a step back, but froze at Celestia's icy gaze. Oh shit. She can read minds. I started to turn tail and run like hell, but was picked up be my hooves.
"PLEASE DON'T RAPE ME MOLESTIA! I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!"
"Tia? Who is this? And why do you let him talk to you like that? We...I, would never let a pony say such rude things." Luna's voice broke Celestia's concentration, and I fell to the hard ground. Ah ground, you and I are becoming good friends.
"Well Luna-" I cut her off. FINALLY!
"Oh dear Princess of the Night. I am quite sorry for my disrespectfulness towards your sister. However, you must know that she deserves it. In truth, she deserves worse. Also, I am not, strictly speaking, a pony."
*Such a gentlecolt. Didn't think we could pull it off.*
"Sister? What does thee mean when thee says not a pony?" I sat back and let Celestia take this one. Sometimes, it's fun just to chill.
"He is a human. From another universe. And I do deserve a little bit of it. We didn't exactly meet on a high note." Luna nodded understandingly.
"So what's this big secret?" My curiousity was getting the better of me again.
"Well, seems like God has decided to screw with your universe again. The Rapture just happened. So there's going to be a LOT of new bronies out and around. I thought you deserved a heads-up."
"Well if that's all, I reckon I can leave."
SLAM! Damn. As if my life is ever that easy. I turned to see a very familiar orange haired pony burst through the doors. The guards outside were...incapacitated. To say the least. What caught my eye was that said criminal pony was all the way here in Canterlot. And also, how good looking she was.
"Princess Bucking Celestia, you backstabbing little bitch!" Damn! She was already earning brownie points with me. I turned to look at Celestia. She looked scared as hell. Another brownie point!
"You left me to die in that bucking prison! On an assignment given to me by YOU! If it wasn't for that jailbreak, Cthuluhoof could've been raised, and it would be YOUR fault." Wait. Cthuluhoof?
*Cthuluhoof? And raised? Okay, shitstorm incoming.*
"Look mare. I hate her as much as you do. But you said Cthuluhoof? Maybe I can help. However we should take this outside." I didn't mean to say it. And in all honesty, I didn't say it. Soren did. "Let's leave Celestia to her Playmare. I heard it's Wet Mane edition." I don't think Celestia could've gotten any whiter. The orange mare started laughing.
"Alright kid. Your cool by me. Sure, I'll tell you all about my latest adventure."
As soon as we got outside the doors, her jesting stopped. She pressed her lips against mine in a kiss. Sadly, it ended as quick as it started.
"That's a thank you for getting my flank out of that prison. The prisoners were starting to eye me in an unflattering way."
"You know it was me?"
"Course! I caught sight of you while you walked away."
"If I may ask. Why were you in there?" She sighed.
"For bullshit. Apperently, the Las Pegasus Parks Department doesn't like you peeking around caves. Even if it's to save all of Equestria." She threw her hooves in the air. It's as impressive as it sounds. "Fuck logic."
"Damn. I'm loving you more every second. But what's your name?" She tossed her mane to the side. Oh boy. Here we go. One of those bombshell names.
"You don't know me? I'm Do. As in Daring." Dayumn!
"The adventurer?" She took a bow. Damn, she was blowing my mind! Wish I knew how to do this shit. You needed wings. Note to self, get wings.
[We can get wings.]
Note to self. Learn how to do cool shit with wings.
"The one and only. At your service. And you are?"
"Midnight Shadow, bartender. Oh, and bounty hunter on the side." She arched her eyebrow.
"Your a bounty hunter. Yet you broke someone out of jail." I nodded my head.
"Aye! But if you notice, only you and my buddy got out! Everyone else died. So...I'm still doin a damn fine job! Besides, I hunt monsters and shit. I just got paid for killing three dragons." Her eyes widened.
"Three dragons! I'll bet that's quite the story!" I smiled.
"Well, I'm sure you have a few stories of your own! Maybe we could get dinner sometime? Share a few of our stories?"
"I will. For a favor." Oh boy. Here we go. "I think I'll need a companion to deal with this Cult of Cthuluhoof. I was able to delay them in Las Pegasus, but there's still a sect up north. As long as those Diamond Dogs have the Necronomicon, they can use it to raise him. We need to get that Necronomicon back where it belongs."
"In a museum." She looked at me with a surprise expression on her face.
"Exactly. And if I get a few bits in the process..." I gave her a wink.
"I got the idea. As long as I get paid and all that. So what do I gotta do? Just beat the living hay out of some Diamond Dogs while you get the book." I could only hope that's it.
"Not exactly. I need you to make a distraction." Oh fuck. Here we go again.
"Well, this should be fun. I'll meet you there."
"How will you get there?"
"I'm gonna call in a few favors."
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
Why Did It Have To Be Spiders?
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
I burst back into the throne room. Celestia had left, and Luna was looking kind of alone. D'aww.
"Yo Lulu!" She turned towards me with a smile on her face.
"That joke against my sister, it was a good one! It really got to her. I guess you're alright with us...me." She shook her head. "Sorry. I'm still working on speaking normally."
"Hey Sans Soucii and all that right!" She looked at me in surprise.
"You speak Prench?"
"Nope." She nodded her head thoughtfully, before shaking her thoughts away.
"I'm sure you aren't here to listen to an old mare ramble. What do you need young Midnight Shadow?"
"A solid."
"I'm sorry what? I've been gone for a 1,000 years."
"Well, how 'bout I cut you a deal. You help me, and I'll catch you up to the modern age." She smiled widely at that.
"I think I'd like that. So what do you need...friend." She squeaked out that last one. She seemed very hesitant to say it, and was searching my eyes for a reaction. I gave her a warm smile.
"I uh...kinda overtaxed myself. My magic went poof." She looked at me in surprise.
"You did magic outside of your spectrum! But that's so dangerous!"
"We were running out of options, and out of time. So I had to improvise."
"You're lucky to have only lost your magic."
"If I was lucky, I wouldn't have had to go outside my range of magic."
"True. Well, I think I can fix you up. Let me see what I can do for thee." Her horn lit up the room. I started floating in the air. I felt a tingle in my horn, and then was placed back on my hooves. Luna looked very exhausted, and almost fell off her throne. I ran up and gave her a hug.
"Thanks for the help! I feel amazing!" The exhaustion was swept away from her face, and replaced with happiness. I knew I had done the right thing once more.
[Dude, we're like Superman. We know when we're needed.]
*Nice job Jdog. You cheered up best pony.*
{Thanks guys. And Sor, I believe a better line would've been 'It's Magic I Ain't Gotta Explain Shit!'}
I left her embrace. "Alright Lulu. Gotta go save Equestria and all that."
She laughed. "Well, you are just full of surprises aren't you! Stay safe Shadow."
I laughed as I walked out of the room. "No promises!" Before Luna could make another sound, I teleported out of the room. Man I missed magic!
_______________________________________
I was waiting next to the cave where the Diamond Dogs were trying to raise Cthulhoof. Daring Do was late. Which gave me time to make a plan. And drink. I had pulled out my flask a few minutes ago, and was trying my damndest to empty the bottomless flask out. Then I felt it. 8 hairy legs crawling onto my flank. I didn't dare look at it. I already knew it was a...spider. The very thought scared me to death.
[KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!]
*IS IT A SPIDER? GET IT OFF!*
{I CAN'T! I'M TOO PARALYZED BY MY FEAR!}
Let's just say I really, really, REALLY, don't like spiders.
CRACK! I felt a whip hit my flank. It left a sharp pain, but I also no longer felt the spider. I spun around to see my hero/assailant. Of course. Now Ms. Do decides to show up.
"Woah. Sorry Do, didn't know you were into spanking and bondage. Kinda kinky don't ya think?" She took my comment with stride. Putting on her most seductive face, she sweetly said one of the scariest things I've ever heard.
"Oh believe me. You don't even WANT to know what I think about when I picture you. Spanking and bondage is the least of it." Oh It. Is. On!
"Wow. Didn't know you were such a bad pony. Maybe I should spank you a bit." This left her speechless. I gave her a wink to know I was kidding.
[ROUND ONE! WIN!]
{Still undefeated champions!}
"So right then. Miss Do, what do you propose we do here?"
"Well, I think you should just wing it. However few brief pointers. They have magic powers, they can burrow in the Earth," She paused when she saw my eyes light up. "Wait why do you look so happy?"
I magicked up my tweed coat and eyeglass again. "Why it's elementary my dear Daring. Whereas you see the Dogs being major threats, I see Equestria's most realistic game of Whack-A-Mole!" She laughed as I let my outfit dissipate.
"Glad to see you'll be having fun. I scouted out the area before my...setback." She spat the word out. "There's an entrance around back. While you do...whatever, I'll slip on in."
[Bow chicka bow wow.]
i nodded my head. "Alright. Make sure your in position-"
[Bow chicka bow wow.]
"When I give the signal, sneak in from behind."
[Bow chicka bow wow. Damn! I'm on a roll!]
Daring nodded her head before taking off, leaving me without a plan.
-I suppose we could--
[HOLD IT! I think we should let Omega be...itself? Besides, it hasn't had a chance to make a plan yet.]
^Yes WONDERFUL! I suggest we BLOW THEM ALL TO HELL!!!^
*Wow. Now he really sounds like Omega.*
[I am liking this idea! Reaper! How much do you think we'll need?]
-Well. In doubt. C4. I think 10 pounds should do it.-
A pile of C4 packets appeared at my feet. I hurriedly set them where the cave seemed strongest. That way the weaker parts would be destroyed by the top coming in on itself. Then I thought about it, and added some C4 to the roof. Just in case Do needs my help, I don't want to have to dig my way through a cave-in.
[Good idea.]
{No shit.}
[Yea. We're the same person. Don't have to be a dick about it.]
I didn't respond, and instead opted to move back to a somewhat safe distance. I was still danger close, but eh... Whatever. I created a dethonator, and pulled the trigger. The explosion destroyed the cave, and a little bit of the mountainside. Okay. A LOT of the mountainside got destroyed. And even better, the explosion got my prey's attention.
^Now. TERMINATE WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!^
I saw multiple paths of uneven earth coming towards me. A telltale sign of a burrowing animal. The first one popped its ugly head up...and got beat back down into his hole. "1 point!" And that's when the rage came in. I let my instincts kick in, no thoughts ran through my head. Just see, hit, add to score, repeat. I couldn't tell when the dogs stopped coming. I actually kept bucking until I heard the scream.
"Why you savages! GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! SHADOW!!"
*Incoming shitstorm.*
{We have to help her. Reaper? See a way in?}
^Let's make our own.^
A RPG-7 appeared on my shoulder. I lined it up in the general direction of what is left of the cave entrance and pulled the trigger. The whole thing blew apart, leaving a small hole for me to get through. I galloped in. Time to save my partner, and save Equestria.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
I galloped through the tunnel as fast as possible. Why? Because using an RPG to make a door isn't a good idea. Said tunnel was falling apart around me at the moment. Fuck.
-I guess I should've told you this plan was stupid.-
{Well no fuck Reaper! Aren't you the super smart demon inside my head?}
-Something like that.-
*We can slow down.*
Shadow was right. We had entered a more stable section of the cave. Or actually...the ruins. I saw statues of a pony with dragon wings and tentacles at the mouth. This is it. The Temple of Cthulhoof.
*Duh da duh daaa duh da duh.*
[Shut the hell up.]
i took a look around. A giant door with symbols on the sides.
*Oh boy puzzles! Let's see. There's pyrus, ventus, aquas, and...earth.*
{Why didn't you-}
*We never learned what Earth is in Latin.*
I turned back to the door. This time, I noticed two...things on the sides. So, guess wrong is certain death. No pressure then.
{It'd be related to Cthulhoof right?}
[Well we're only in the TEMPLE OF CTHULHOOF!]
{So it would be...aquas.}
I pressed the symbol. Nothing happened.
-Shoot it with water.-
I willed a spout of water to come out of my horn. Or, I let my subconscious do it for me. It hit the symbol, and the door slowly rose into the ceiling. I half expected to hear vocalizing. I'm just gonna put it down to too much Skyrim. I walked through the door.
______________
I gazed at the floor, then back at the walls. There were holes on the walls, but nothing to trigger a trap on the floor. Everything looked EXACTLY the same! There were no references to Cthulhoof either. I was completely on my own. I looked down and found a pebble. I threw it down the hall. Half a million arrows shot out. Well, here goes nothing. I trotted backwards, then ran forwards. I leapt up as a thousand arrows shot under me, then ducked into a slide as another thousand flew past my face. I leapt over another onsault, then came down into a roll. I hopped back onto my hooves and galloped to the end of the hall.
[Let's never do that again.]
{Agreed.}
I looked at my new obstacle. Another door, with billions of symbols all over the ground.
"Fuck this." I didn't say it to anyone in particular, but it felt good. I had Reaper magic me up a plasma torch. I walked up to the door, and slowly began to cut a whole out of it. It took a few minutes, but then I was able to buck the improved door off it's non existent hinges. I looked in at my quarry.
"SHOO BE DO SHOO BE DO SHOO BE DO SHOO BE DO " What the hell?! I looked over to see a distressed Daring in a cage. She brightened up when she saw me. I quickly ran over to her.
"I can't leave you alone for a second."
"Why would you even want to?" We both laughed. I created a katana and cut open the cage. No, I did not catch her as she dropped. I got slapped to the face as soon as she was back on her hooves. Worth it.
"So...these dogs?" I motioned to the circle of Diamond Dogs. They had a star drawn in the middle of their circle, and were chanting nonsense. My eyes turned towards the dog at the top point of the star. He was holding a black book, and was the only one making sense.
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn." Okay so not making sense. Just sounding more chanty necromancy than the others.
"That book is what we need. What's the plan smartass?"
I flew over to him at high speeds and slammed into him. I grabbed the book from his claws and flew back over to Daring. "That is the plan." Her mouth dropped open. I laughed. She pointed behind me. I spun around to see...what the fuck was I seeing?
A portal had opened up behind me. And guess who poked his ugly ass head out? If you guessed Rick Astley you guessed wrong.
"Ah freedom. I've been trapped in my underwater prison for too long. A mighty thanks to you Mr. Mattingly. Why, I should've pestered my cousin to summon you milleniums ago." Okay. What the fuck is with this guy?
"I assure you, I am as sane as anyone of my position could be. It's my cousin who is surely mad. As for my appearance, I will admit it is a little weird. Dragon wings on a pony body with my squid head. I believe I will be powerful enough after I kill you and Daring Do."
"Woah buddy. Now you crossed the line. See, I don't care how you know who I truly am, but you only know one of my names. I am Uvruk Ka Shedo, dragon slayer! I am Soren, I am Midnight Shadow, I am Omega, and I am Death! Destroyer of you and all you stand in my way!" This made Cthulhoof chuckle. Bitch.
"It is so funny. A suicidal alcoholic doesn't deserve ONE of those titles, and even so I have better ones. I have a billion names, and I think you'd like to hear ALL of them." I imagined a wall over my thoughts, and no longer felt Cthulhoof in there. I let him ramble on as I did what I do best. Rig shit to blow up. Cthulhoof did not notice my horn glow as I turned all the rock above AND below us into military grade C4. Ah C4. Is there anything you can't do? I looked at Cthulhoof. Daring looked over at me.
"What's the plan? He'll be immortal within the hour."
I looked at her with that crazy glint in my eye. "No plan. Bigger guns. When I give the signal, follow me. Stay close, and run like hell." I turned back to Cthulhoof.
"Yea fucktastic. Beautiful names, all of them. But I'm leaving." My eyes were still scanning the room for an exit. AHA! A minecart! I nudged Daring and had her glance at it. She nodded her head.
"And what makes you think you can just leave?!"
"Because, I rigged this whole place to blow," I magicked a dethonator to my hooves and held it without fingers. Fuck logic. "And I'm batshit crazy." With that I grabbed Daring in one hand, and squeezed the dethonator with the other. That's when all hell broke loose.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
Author’s note. Yes, I know I am an asshole for doing this. You don’t have to tell me in the comments. I already know.
{Me, Dream Cloud}
[Khayo]
“WAKE UP!” Holy shit? What the fuck is going on?
[We’re at Vinyl’s. Remember?]
{Yea I fuckin remember. Why the hell is she wakin us up so damn loudly?}
“Ugh. Listen, I’m being mindfucked right now. I don’t need to be mindfucked out here too.” I lazily moved my head to look at Pon-3. “And I consider yelling being mindfucked.”
“Aww you poor little thing. Look, Shadow’s paying for you to stay here, but it costs more. So you get to clean up my apartment.” Aww FUCK!
[I actually enjoy housework.]
{Yea you probably get a fuckin boner from actin like a woman.}
[Seriously where da fuq did you come from?]
{I’m wondering how this badassness came from a gayass like you myself. Let’s ask Soren when Shadow gets back.}
[And Reaper.]
{Seriously are you SUUURE you’re not a chick?}
I looked at Vinyl, then at the floor. Time to see if I can use that charm Soren gave me.
“But if I cleaned up the floor, how would you defend yourself from a robber? Look! There’s a piece of whatever the fuck right here!” I held up a broken shard of something. Probably a bottle. Vinyl laughed at my joke.
“I think I’ll manage. Get to work. And get Shade up to. I need to know where else I can work.”
I looked around at the ground. This might take hours!
{Any ideas?}
[I’m not speaking with you.]
{Seriously? The silent treatment? Your kidding right?}
[...]
{Well, now I can do this plan then!}
I spread my wings out. Vinyl was in the next room over. Hopefully she wouldn’t hear this. I started flying in circles, and made a tiny tornado. The tornado collected all the dust and clutter, and the larger stuff (Like the couch I slept on) stayed on the ground. The tornado blew itself out and left a pile of crap in the center of the room. Well, two hours work has become one.
[Small victories.]
{Given up the silent treatment?}
[Considering the first time I left you you created a tornado, yes I have.]
{Damn. I was getting used to not hearing bitching.}
I quickly set about picking up all the clutter and throwing it away. This was going to be a long day.
SHADE’S POV
Eugh. I woke up to a very familiar mare yelling at... who was it. Dream Cloud. Eh that sounds close enough. I quietly snuck off to Pon-3’s bathroom. I didn’t need her to see me smoking a joint. As soon as I shut the door and blocked off ventilation with a towel, I used one of my favorite spells. I can’t remember the name of it, but it gives me a bottomless box to put stuff in. I think earth ponies got somethin like it. I pulled out one of my joints. Then I used my second favorite spell. A little spark came out of my horn and set the end of my joint on fire. I breathed the wonderful smoke in, and instantly forgot about all the stress. All my worries simply melted away.
BANG BANG
“SHADE YOU BETTER NOT BE SMOKING IN MY BATHROOM!” I quickly opened my box back up and threw the lit joint inside. I used levitation to throw some water on my face and looked at my reflection in the mirror. Good, no red eyes. I opened the door to look at a pissed pony. Her reflection softened when she saw me.
“Oh sorry. I thought you were smoking.”
“No worries yeh? So what do ya need?” She looked at me dubiously. Oh Celestia I hope I don’t sound stoned. The looked left as quickly as it came.
“Thanks to your addiction, I’m out of a gig. So you’re gonna help me find a club. Know of anywhere?” I stroked my chin in thought, like I had seen Shadow do.
“Ah. I think...you could probably work at...
CRASH
Vinyl spun her head to the next room over. “What the hay is Dream Cloud doing? Eugh, you might as well come too. I guess some rules are in order.”
DREAM CLOUD’S POV
Vinyl came galloping into the room. Shade was close behind her. “Dream Cloud what the...” She looked at her floor. “So THAT’s what color the carpet is!” She looked back at me. “ What did you do?”
I spread my wings out for effect. “Created a small tornado to sweep up everything. It’s twice as efficient as if I had used my hooves.” Vinyl facehoofed.
“It also could’ve harmed my equipment dumbass. Which brings me to my ultimatum.”
Oh boy. Here we go. Scott Pilgrim reference begin! “Is it one of your famous ultimatums?”
“Let it live forever in infamy.” We stared at each other for a few seconds before laughing. “I guess yer aight Cloudie.” She straightened back up, as much as a pony on all fours can. “If you are to live under my house, you must abide by my three rules. One! Don’t touch the equipment. Two! DON’T touch the equipment. Three! Does anypony want to guess?”
“Don’t piss on the floor?” She laughed again. Thank you Soren.
{Hey Khayo. Make a note to thank Soren next time we see him.}
[Duly noted.]
“Looks like you guys got it. I’m gonna be out gig hunting.” She turned to me. “Try not to burn the house down.” She walked out the door. I looked at the pile of crap still in front of me. I hope Shadow’s day is going better than this.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
The explosions rocked the cavern. I started galloping to the minecart. I threw Daring inside, then started pushing. I vaulted inside and watch as the cavern started collapsing. Only problem is, we were still inside the cavern.
"Okay. Daring, do not for any reason look be-" I facehoofed. Too late.
"WE'RE SO SCREWED!"
"Don't freak out. Don't freak out alright it's perfectly fine. Just keep leaning forward."
"No. He's following us!" I spun around. Sure enough, Cthulhoof was flying as fast as his dragon wings could take him. Even worse, he was still doing a cliche villain monologue!
"Now Mr. Mattingly look what you've done! You've gone and trapped us both! Can you do anything right? Oh right, they wiped your memory. That didn't hurt as much as I'd have liked it to." Wait wut?
"Da fuq you talking about?"
"Try to remember your old life Mr. Mattingly. And when you can't, go talk to this lands precious goddesses. Ask them why they've taken away your old identity."
"Your trying to screw with me."
"Actually, I'm not. Way I see it, only one of us is getting out of here, and odds are it's you. At least I can put a stop to their little game. Small victories I suppose."
"God dammit could you stop being so damn proper!"
"Does it irk you? A shame you no longer have mag-" A piece of rock slammed into his tentacly face and went through his head. I turned back to the front of the cart. Daring was holding on to the front white knuckled.
"Shadow, we got a bit of a problem."
"What kind of problem?"
"The track up ahead is gone." I squinted. Sure enough the end of the track was closing in.
"Well you have wings. Problem solved."
"But you don't!" I jumped on her back.
"Babe, I don't need wings. I got you." I could see her blush. She shook her head and jumped out of the minecart. The sudden burst of speed and air knocked my fedora off. "Dammit! I'm sending Celestia the bill." Daring laughed.
[Damn we are a ladies man.]
{Yea uh do me a favor? Try to find some memories from Earth.}
^Roger that. Beginning scan for memories from Earth. Scan complete. Results: 0^
[What are we gonna do?]
{We're gonna go talk to some lying bitches.}
*Isn't that a bit harsh?*
{THEY TOOK OUR GOD DAMN MEMORIES! THAT'S MY FUCKIN LIFE THEY STOLE! SURE IT WAS PROBABLY A SHITTY ONE, BUT HOW SHOULD I KNOW?}
[So all we know is bits and pieces. Occupations, names, skills.]
{I'm gettin some fuckin answers.}
Daring must have sensed my angst and turned to look at me. "Somethin wrong?"
"I'm fine. Kinda pissed about the hat. It was a bit lucky." She laughed.
"I know the feeling. So straight to Canterlot?"
"Naw. I gotta go check on my friends. I'll see you...around I guess."
She winked at me. "See you around." And that's when I dropped off her back. Right before I hit the ground and became a sexcake, I did a short range teleport and landed on the ground on all four hooves. Ta da!
"YOU CRAZY BASTARD!" Daring had noticed my stunt.
"THANK YOU, I'LL BE HERE ALL WEEK!" I heard her laughing as I trotted to Vinyl's apartment.
CANTERLOT CASTLE, THRONE ROOM, CAMERA 1.43.521
Luna approached her sister Celestia.
"Tia? I need someone to talk to."
"Yes Luna? What's on your mind?"
"We need to tell him. He deserves to know about the game. We don't want another Griffin."
"You've developed feelings towards him haven't you?"
"He's the first friend I've had in a few thousand years. Thou is correct."
"Luna. What have I told you about Thou's?"
"Sorry 'Tia. Still, can we tell him?"
"He's on his way already. Our cousin seems to have told him just to get back at us.
"...He's going to be mad."
"Likely."
"Should we be scared?"
"No. I'll have Shining Armor set up a few guards. We'll be perfectly safe little sister."
"If you believe so 'Tia. I hope you're right."
Author's note! I entered Lollapalooza! And voting has opened. So, just to prove all my bitchy ex girlfriends wrong, I want YOU to vote for me! First go to http://do312.com/remix/djs?page=3 and go vote for DJ SoarinSoren! Then, because we all know everything has to be fucked up, sign in with Facebook(or just sign in) and then vote for me again! Not that hard right? Wanna know how I'll make it up to you? A writing marathon, and at the end? A new story, a new character, and a new premise. Also? 3 more long chapters for THIS story! So my 1,000+ viewers! Go send my skinny white plot to Lollapalooza! PAR-TAY!
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
I teleported into Vinyl's house to see...the fuck was I seeing?
"Oh shit uh...hey Shadow! Buddy, uh wassup. Hey I'd like to thank Soren for all that charm he gave me." Dream Cloud, gay little Cloudie, was on top of Vinyl Scratch. Vinyl turned towards me, and her mouth was hitting the ground. If I hadn't felt so betrayed, it'd be funny as hell.
"Fuck it. I cheated on you with Daring damn Do anyways. As long as we got a place to stay I don't give a damn. Where's Shade?" I was the image of cool. If you looked up Ice Cold in the dictionary, my picture would be the example. I guess it just felt too familiar for me to give a damn.
[I will give him style points for getting Vinyl.]
{Wait a second. What am I doing? I'm a manipulative asshole right?}
[Probably.]
-Well I am. Close enough.-
{Let's milk this bitch.}
Vinyl pointed towards a room. I walked over to it, and just before walking in, did something that felt right.
"Hey Pon-3? I want those lessons to be free. At least i had the decency to only flirt." Score one for the badasses.
-Nice work. Now slam door to show you're serious.-
SLAM!
________________________
"Thanks for patching me up Shade. Setting off that blast really bucked me up."
"Well I owe you my life. I can start repaying by saving yours." I chuckled.
"C'mon man. It wasn't that big a deal."
"You broke into a maximum security prison, the only one in Equestria, that had prototype equipment, and your sayin it wasn't a big deal?"
"Just another day at the office." Now Shade laughed.
"You've got one crazy office."
________________________
I teleported outside of Canterlot Castle. I wanted to give myself as much time as possible to cool myself down. I needed to be a blank slate. If Celestia knew I was pissed, I would be out in a second. Gotta keep mah kool.
"Halt!" Fuck.
^Murder them.^
*Fus Ro Dah them.*
{I'm gonna use Shadies idea. Reaper, know the megaphone spell from that party book?}
-Yes. Why?-
{I want it with enough force to throw a pony or two.}
My horn started glowing. I stared at the guards in my way.
"FUS! RO! DAH!" The two guards went flying away. A shame they weren't pegasus. They now probably have broken legs. I chuckled as I continued on my path to the throne room. I kick so much ass. And now, I felt cooler than ice.
[Like a glacier]
-Like my ex-girlfriend.-
*^[{YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND?!?!}]^*
-Another time. We are here.-
I slowly approached the door. I was getting my sir on.
"Dearest Celelstia and Luna! I would like to ask a few questions." They both kinda stared at me, as if expecting me to burst into flames and kill them. Luna was the first to regain the ability of sensical speak, as well as the ability to breathe.
"What would you like to know?"
"While I was...dealing with the dangerous Cthulhoof, he said something about a chess game. One played by the gods. He also told me I was summoned by one of the gods. Could I get an explanation? Oh and my pay for that Cthulhoof bit?" Celestia finally started breathing again. How that mare survived for that long without air was beyond me. Probably magic.
"You will be paid by Ms. Do. She is currently on another adventure at the moment. I'm sure you'll get paid eventually. As for the chess game..." Luna butted in.
"'Tia, I brought him here. I should say it. Now then Shadow? Everything my sister told you is a lie."
"Well, seeing how I ignored her unless money was involved, I probably missed it." Ahh charm. Is there no situation you can't get me out of?
Luna took a moment to stop giggling like a little filly before continuing on. "There are indeed multiple Equestria's, but they are not created by those with enough power. They are created by the god's, and we watch them much like you watch us."
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"So wait. That means all those fanfics are movies to you? ALL of them?"
"Thou is correct young Shadow."
"So where is the porn section? I mean with all the clopfiction written an-" Celestia stepped in.
"That is ENOUGH young Midnight Shadow. Soren, stop making him think these thoughts."
[Actually, that was all him. Didn't once speak up.]
"Continuing on, the god's decided to have even more fun. Living eternally makes you quite bored. They decided to each pick their own champion and send them to Equestria. I'm not entirely sure how you win, but me and my sister joined as a team. We sent out for the most combat enabled and smartest human alive. We got you. Discord will be getting his soon, and so will Father Time. The others...we are uncertain."
"Okay, so what am I. A pawn?"
Luna looked at me with...are those SEX eyes! How does she know how to make SEX EYES?! "No. You are our knight in shining armor. That's why we're telling you this."
"I'm guessing a knight is important in chess?"
Celestia looked at me flatly. "Don't tell me you've never played chess."
Showtime. "Well, in truth..." I teleported behind her, and materialized a knife out of the shadows. "I'm a bit of a poker player. The high stakes kind. Now that you can't do anything, where the FUCK are my memories!"
Author's note. Finally! We're in the Chess Game of The God's universe! Just so everyone knows, I arrived one week BEFORE Rust and Blackwing arrive. In the world, they are showing up tomorrow. The reason they said they don't want another Griffin is because they know how violent he is (because they know who Discord and Time are bringing.) That make perfect sense? Really? Good. Now that everyone's nice and savvy, let's see what's going on with Dream Cloud,
DREAM CLOUD'S POV
{Me}
[Khayo]
Vinyl stared up at me in horror. "Think he'll be alright?"
I smiled. Gotta make her feel better. "He'll be fine. Sure he's pissed as hell right now, but knowing him he'll get another one."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better. That he'll replace me?"
"Considering that you never really loved him and used him for meaningless sex, and have been pissed since he showed up, I think that's the best you could get."
"Well...true. Wanna go to my bedroom?"
"Hell yea."
[NO! C'MON! HE'S OUR BEST FRIEND!]
{Dude. Go suck a cock. The badass code. Ho's before Bro's. Beside's, he'll find another. However, how could we ever find someone as badass and sexy as Pon-3?}
"You comin? Or am I expected to rut myself?"
{Yeah. No answer.}
"Yea yea. Get over here you sexy, crazy bitch."
Author's note part 2. Yea. I made Vinyl a slut (because most of us DJ's will literally fuck whatever we can get our hands on. Well, I do.) and showed that what we had was simply meaningless sex. Also, I just wrote that badass code. No one should follow it. Bronies before hoenies.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
"Shadow...let's just think this through okay." That was Luna, timidly trying to talk me out of it. I could hear the fear in her voice.
"Already have. You bitches took my memories, and I want them back. I also want a bit of interest."
Celestia slowly spoke, trying to make sure she didn't cut herself on my knife. "What kind of interest? You don't really need bits."
"Why the hell would I want money? No. I want some pretty tall orders. However, if you don't give in to my demands, we see how immortal you are with a knife in your neck."
-Not very.-
[Shhh. It's getting to the good part.]
"Okay...what do you want?" Celestia sounded defeated. I had won. I could have anything! Immortality! Power! Women! But that shit gets old.
"For startes? That memory wipe spell. Just in case I don't like certain memories. Next? I'm droppin out of your damn game. Send me to another universe. I care not which one. But don't send me immediately. Wait exactly one hour, then send me, Dream Cloud, and Shade to a different Equestria." I decided to bring my party with me. I already had a full combat triangle, why try to get it again?. (Combat Triangle Definition: The triangle of combat. Warrior, Ranger, Specialist. A ranger is normally someone who is stealthy, and a specialist is someone who excells in certain skills like a healer. Example: TF2 Soldier, Spy, Mechanic.)
Luna nodded her head. "It shall be done. Now, release thy sister."
"If you think that I would get rid of my...insurance for even ONE second, you must not know who you're dealing with. My memories. Now." Luna slowly walked towards me, and then looked into my eyes.
"Are...are you sure? These memories...they are so sad. Your life...I'm so sorry."
"They are my burden to bear, not yours. They are what made me who I am, and without them I very well may forget who I am. I need them. They may be sad, but they taught me how to survive. When you took them, you took what made me what you wanted me to be. So now, I want them back."
Luna nodded, then touched my horn to hers. There was something...oddly erotic about it.
[Are we...fucking a goddess?!]
-Sorry Soren, but I don't know. We should research Alicorn and Unicorn reproduction.-
[So we should look up porn?]
-Basically. Yes.-
[Reaper, you're cool with me man. I think this is the beginning of a long friendship.]
-I think it is Soren.-
Their voices were drowned out as my life literally flashed before my eyes. My birth, my first fight, my first shoot-out, the first time I had a girlfriend, the first time I watched my girlfriend die. I slowly watched as an innocent young child quickly became a cold, unforgiving man. I wanted to cry for that child, but the saddest part was that I was that child. I watched as I grew up in the ghettos. By the time I was 18, I had seen more violence than most men will ever see. I was scarred, but I was one helluva man. I watched as I went off to Iraq, and watched as I shot through the ranks. I watched as we went off to Iraq, and I watched my whole squad die. I watched as I went AWOL, and I had a front row seat for my decent into madness. First came Soren, who I had since a small boy, but didn't know it. Then Luna, and finally Midnight Shadow. I was watching all the way up until the bullet entered my brain, and I went to Equestria. My vision restored itself, and I was looking at Luna.
[That was...intense. Seeing what made us who we are...Scary.]
-THAT'S what you went through? My condolences. I thought Hades was a bad place...but that beats it.-
[Yea, but we became hardasses because of it.]
-Still...you started a porn business when you were 12?-
[Twice. Almost succeeded one time.]
-And you tried it again later?-
[Almost worked once. Why not now?]
I shivered. "Thank you. Now, there are a few things in order. I want to be transported HERE with Dream Cloud and Shade first. THEN you shall teleport us to a new Equestria. Savvy?"
"Yes. We understand Shadow. Now then, can you release me?"
"Sorry Celestia, but I want that memory wipe spell as well."
"Very well. Luna, get him the scroll."
A scroll appeared out of a midnight blue flame. It opened up, allowing me to see it. It did indeed show how to cast the memory wipe spell.
"Will you release my sister now?"
"One second." I didn't want to release Celestia just so they could throw my ass in jail. I needed a plan.
*Remember in Fallout New Vegas when you meet the Brotherhood of Steel? They don't trust you, so they attach an explosive collar to you?*
{Hey yea! That sounds like a good plan. Reaper? Can we do it?}
-Well, we're making it out of shadows, and it would go boom. I believe it would indeed impress a lady.-
My horn flashed and a mechanical collar attached itself to Celestia's neck.
"If you fuck me over, I will detonate the explosives in this collar, and your body parts will no longer be joined together. Understand?"
Celestia gulped before replying. "Yes Shadow. I understand completely."
"Good." I dissipated the knife, then started trotting toward the door like nothing happened. Halfway there, I used a simple teleport spell and teleported myself to Vinyl's flat. Once again...what the fuck was I seeing?
"Oh hey Shadow! Listen could you help me out? Octavia's gonna be here in a few so I can go on a trip. She's performing a concert in Tailton, and I've always wanted to see the ocean so I'm taggin along. Can you help me pack?" She said it as if she hadn't cheated on me, like so many of my other girlfriends.
[So THAT'S why it felt so familiar!]
"Go get Cloud to help you. I gotta talk with Shade. Bitch." I walked away, once again leaving her stunned.
*LIKE A BOSS!*
__________________________
"Yo Shadow! I heard you put that bitch in her place from over here! What's up?"
"Shade. We're being relocated."
"Well yea man. Vinyl's leavin, so we gotta find another place to crash. Unless she lets us housesit. But I REALLY don't want to house sit."
"No, I mean we're being relocated out of this universe. We're going to another Equestria."
Shade stared at me like I'd gone batshit crazy. "Another Equestria? C'mon man what's next? Now you're gonna say humans are real."
"Oh yea. Haven't I told you? Me and Dream Cloud are both humans sent here by the gods. Now pick your jaw up off the floor. You're gonna catch some flies." I walked back towards Vinyl.
*LIKE A BOSS!*
_____________________
Dream Cloud had just finished helping Vinyl pack, and she was just about to leave. I had viewed the scroll once, and knew the basics of casting it. Now for a bit of practice.
"Hey Vinyl? Come with me outside. Take your bags. I got one last thing I want to tell you." She complied, and followed me out the door. I touched my horn to hers and started talking very quickly. "You do not remember me, Dream Cloud, and Shade is still in prison. We were never here." My horn finished the sentence and I drew away, leaving a very disoriented Vinyl Scratch.
"Wait what? Oh hey there sexy. What's your name colt?"
"Not yours to know. Oh look, it's Octavia." The grey mare seemed to have snuck up on us, and she was now looking at the white DJ.
"Eugh Ms. Scratch will you EVER stop messing around with this common rabble? Now come on, we need to get moving immediately."
"Wha? Oh right. Sorry Tavi." Vinyl picked up her bags with a simple telekenisis spell. "Let's go." Had she looked back, she would've seen a flash of light as I disappeared.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
I was in the large throne room. Dream Cloud was on my right, and to my left was Shade. Princess Celestia still had the collar on. Luna still looked scared. Pretty much just how I left them.
"Okay Shadow. We have done what you wish. Just give the word, and I will teleport you away."
"Not just yet! One last thing. Come over here. Both of you." The two princesses obliged. I motioned for them to lean their heads down. I then touched my horn to both of theirs. Once again, I spoke quite quickly.
"In exactly five minutes you will forget that me, Dream Cloud, and Shade ever existed. We were never here." I though for a few seconds, then decided to have even more fun. "You do not know what the Chess Game of the Gods is, and you do not know who any god's pawn is. Human's also are a myth." I backed away. The two princesses just stared at me.
"You wanted something Shadow?"
"Yea. Send us the hell away."
"As you wish."
"Sister! The collar!" I waved my hand and it fell off. Suddenly, 20 guards teleported into the room. I looked up to see a smug Celestia.
"You didn't think it'd be that easy did you?"
"I sure as hell hoped it wouldn't be!" I bended the shadows to my whim, creating a huge flaming sword that pierced all the guards before holding itself to Celestia's neck. "Now then. The only way that sword is going to dissapear is if it's source goes out of this universe. Since I'm the source... You get the point."
"You are quite the strategist. Are you sure you've never played chess?"
"I have, but I needed to set up a one-liner. Always good to have one handy."
^Three minutes before you don't exist.^
{Yea yea don't remind me.}
"Now then. A different Equestria. Now."
"Very well Midnight Shadow. You have bested us, and we shall reward you accordingly."
A flash of light and me and my company vanished off the face of Equestria. Well. Almost.
CANTERLOT CASTLE, THRONE ROOM, CAMERA 1.43.521
"Do you think he'll be alright?"
"I hope not."
"'Tia, why do you hate him so?"
"It's a mutual thing LuLu."
"So what have you done to him?"
"Who said I did anything?"
"I know you. You tried to get back at him. What did you do?"
"He said any Equestria. So I sent him to one."
"What's wrong with it?"
"It will put him through trials like he's never faced before. He'll still have a bit of fools luck of course, but he'll need more than that. He'll have to make friends...and then he'll lose them all. And once it's done, he'll realize it was all his fault."
"You're so cruel 'Tia."
"He was crueler."
"...who was crueler?"
"I...I can't remember. What were we talking about?"
"Strange. I do not know myself."
______________
A few multiverses away...
"Those biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitcheeeeeeeeeeesss!!!!" Sure Celestia and Luna sent me to a new Equestria, but they teleported me a few miles off the ground. I suddenly felt my rapid descent stop.
"Woah there man. How the hell'd you get up here? Also are you alright? Probably should've asked that one first."
"Dream Cloud?"
"Dream Cloud? Nah man. Name's Rainbow Dagger." I turned to look at him. He had a rainbow mane, with a green coat. I couldn't quite see his cutie mark.
"Wait! The others!"
"What others? You're the only one here!" I sat up too quickly and almost fell out of Dagger's grasp.
"What? Shit! Dream Cloud and Shade are probably fucked all to hell right now!"
"Are they friends of yours?" I nodded.
"We came over together. Damn those bitch princesses!"
"Hey! They aren't that bad!"
"Not in this universe! The other Equestria!" I fell to the ground with a small thud. Apperently, a shocked Rainbow couldn't hold stuff.
"Do you like bananas?" What? That's a strange...no way. Really? Well only one way to find out.
"I know where you can go bananas." His face lit up. I prepared my smokers lungs.
"ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BEEEYETCH!"
I started laughing. "Well hell! Another brony. I'd brohoof ya, but currently I'm on the ground."
"Oh sorry about that." He pulled me up. I'm still wondering how he did that with a hoof. Might want to ask Twilight.
/Well you seem nice/
"Who the fuck was that?"
/All though I could do without the swearing./
Dagger looked at me sheepishly. "Man have I got a story to tell you. C'mon, there's a town not to far from here. The pub makes a good hard apple cider. Not as good as an Absolut, but alcohol is alcohol am I right?"
"Long as you're buyin, I ain't carin."
____________
Seventeen shots later
"So I wake up, and they tell me it was a success. So now I got a few more brains in my head."
"Hey I got my own voices. I know the pain. But Soarin' fucked his own sister! Damn that's funny."
(We shall never trust you ever again.)
Dagger ordered another round. When he turned, I glanced at his cutiemark. Crosshairs on a skull. Pretty badass.
"What's your mark for?"
"I can shoot a bullseye with any weapon, at any range."
"Doesn't seem like an average pegasus mark."
"Yea. I got it when we first got here. I still had the chip, so I conjured up a gun and killed a few timberwolves with it. Got the thing immediately."
"Pretty sweet that you can do magic while a pegasus."
"I'm not really a pegasus though. I'm a lab experiment. What's yours for though?"
"Pickin up chicks."
"You're kidding me."
"Nope. That's what it's for. I can perform any spell that would impress a girl. So raining down hellfire from the sky? Yes. Cleaning spell? No."
"Seems like a gift and a curse."
"How so?"
"Well on one...hoof you can perform some of the most badass magical feats. On the other, you can't do simple stuff."
"That's what I got Shade for! Well, usually. I hope they're okay."
"I'm sure they'll be fine. C'mon, I still gotta tell you about college."
"Dear god. Can I get another shot first?"
"Deal."
_________________
{Me}
[Khayo]
"Eugh. What the hell happened? Shade are you alright?"
"A bit. I think I broke my fucking legs." Khayo winced at his swearing.
[That's our fault.]
{So? Builds character.}
[It's a bad habit. I wish we could fix it.]
{Quiet you.}
"Where the bloody 'ell are we Shade?"
"How should I know? Hey look! A town! Let's ask them!"
"Eh. I ain't got a better idea. But we gotta find Shadow."
"Don't worry. We'll find him. I'm sure he's fine. Drunk, but probably fine."
"You know him so well already." Shade chuckled at my poor joke.
"C'mon. Let's find out where we are."
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
Fights, Cats, and a Bitch
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
"Hey Shadow? See those punks over there lookin at us?"
I followed Dagger's hoof down the bar. Sure enough, there were two stallions pointing and laughing at us.
"Wanna have a bit of fun?"
"Depends on the kind of fun."
"Kickin their asses."
"I'm all in."
I turned towards the duo. "Look guys could you please stop staring at my flank? I'm not interested in a three-way with you two!" I said it just loud enough that the entire bar could hear me. All eyes turned to the pair of stallions. They glared at me menancingly, but still didn't come over. Time to kick it up a notch.
[Could we not? I'm in this body too y'know.]
"Oh come on! You two love me so much you won't fight back? Awww thanks guys!" Well that's how it started. The two stallions came running up to us. I started laughing.
"Dagger? Shotgun. Non-lethal."
"Got it." A shotgun was thrust towards me. I picked it up using levitation, and turned it toward the closest of the two.
BANG!
"Well. Seems like you guys brought your fists," CHNK-CHINK! "To a gun fight." By this time, the bar was deathly quiet. The stallion I shot got back to his hooves slowly. The bullets I was firing might not be lethal, but apperently they still hurt like hell! His buddy shot daggers at me.
"Why don't you put that thing down and fight like a man." I turned to Dagger, who nodded his head.
"Well if you insist..." I teleported behind him. Before he could react, I jabbed my hoof into a notch next to his neck. He slumped to the floor. Rainbow Dagger stared at me.
"Was that a Vulcan Nerve Pinch?"
"Yep."
"That's pretty ba-" Dagger was cut off by a knife going into his neck. I looked at the attacker. It was the stallion I had shot. While taking down his buddy, I had forgotton about him. Apperently he stopped playing fair. He slid another knife out, looking towards me with a smile on his face.
"Bitch please."
*Another good one-liner from Shadow.*
SWISH! I jumped backward, dodging the knife. SWISH! I rolled, causing him to miss once again. SCHINK! I looked up to see a knife sticking out of his neck. Dagger had removed the knife from his own neck, and had repayed the stallion.
"Nice work man. They really did give you superhuman healing."
"Yea. It's like I'm Wolverine. Except I'm a badass."
I slugged him in the shoulder before hopping back on to my stool.
"Barkeep! Another round!"
"How many have we had?"
"I don't know and I don't care. I ain't gonna stop 'till I can't think right."
"Eh. Sounds good to me."
________________
Meanwhile...
{Me}
[Khayo]
"HALT!" Fuck. "State thy business." Our journey to the city was stopped by a wall surrounding said city. This gate was the only way in.
I looked at Shade, hoping he'd have an answer." He shrugged as best as he could.
"Don't look at me brony. Say tourist or something."
[Tourist. Yea I'm suuuure he'll believe that.]
"TOURIST!" To my surprise, the gate opened. A cat like person (who took after the Khajit) smiled warmly at us.
"Welcome to our tribe traveler. How may we be of service to you?"
"How much to stay the night?" The cat looked confused.
"How much? It is free."
[Thank them.]
{I'm gettin to it! Geez you're a douche.}
"Thank you. Your tribe is very hospitable."
The cat bowed, then walked away. He beckoned for us to follow. We let him lead us to a small shack. Inside were two beds, and a few odds and ends.
"I hope this is suitable?" I nodded.
Shade spoke up before the cat left. "Sir? We have been traveling for many days, and we lost our map a long time ago. Where exactly are we?"
"You are in the Feline Jungles. Our tribe has the northernmost village."
"Thank you." The cat continued to walk away. As soon as he was out of earshot, he asked the question that was on both of our minds.
"How are we going to get back to Equestria?"
"Let's sleep on it. We can find out more tomorrow"
"That sounds good. Got any problem with me lighting up in here?"
[Yes]
"Nope." I hopped into my bed and rested my head on the pillow. I hope Shadow is this comfortable.
___________
In an unknown inn next to an unknown bar...
I fell asleep with two mares in my arms. Their manes were both slightly disheveled, and they had some sticky white stuff on their face. Both of those were my fault. I pulled them close too me before drifing off to sleep.
[So touching horns IS sexual! We fucked a goddess!]
-Indeed we did Soren. Indeed we did.-
________
{What the hell? Where am I?}
"YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT! WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE THE MOST WORTHLESS SON IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD!"
I watched as a young man sat there stoically, saying nothing.
-Fucktastic. THIS memory.-
My mother continued to scream at me. I wasn't able to do anything. I wasn't able to comfort myself. No matter how strange it would've been (Hi I'm future you and I'm sorry we had to go through this) I knew he needed it. It's what I was looking for back then. The details rushed back to me.
I had just graduated highschool, at age 18. I had been able to get just enough credits to pass. However, for my mother, barely wasn't good enough. Didn't matter that I had made it. What mattered was that I didn't reach her impossible standards. She has set me up to fail, and was now pissed that I did. Fuckin fantastic parenting.
-I remember this day quite well.-
{I don't.}
-That's because it's the first time I poked through. We had a helluva time.-
{Oh yea. It's kinda coming back to me.}
I watched as past me continued to take it. Almost there.
"It's probably that whore of a girlfriend you have. And cue shitstorm. My past self flipped up and smacked her across the face.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She went slackjawed. I forgot, this was the first time she heard me swear.
-I'll chalk another one up. Mother:99 Us:3-
"You've been fucking with me my whole god damn LIFE! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT! SO I'M SORRY I'M NOT THE FUCKIN PERFECT SON! BUT I'M NOT SORRY FOR WHO I AM. BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS GOT TO FUCKIN CONFORM TO YOUR SHITTY PLANS, I HAD A LITTLE FUCKIN INDIVIDUALITY! I TRIED TO BECOME A PERSON! EVEN WHEN YOU TRIED TO CRASH EVERY LAST BIT OF MY INDIVIDUALITY! WANNA KNOW WHY? SO I COULD SIT HERE TODAY AND SAY FUCK YOU!" I whooped in delight, while my past self panted. My mother continued staring at old me, like I grew a horn. Even now, it was funny. Especially because I have a horn now. Old me had drawn enough breathe for a second wind.
"Now get the FUCK out of my apartment. The deed has MY name on it now. You're on my land, and I CAN call security."
"I'm not-" I had cut her off by shoving her out the door and slamming it in her face. At this point, I wanted to brohoof my old self. Err. Brofist. Ponies hadn't come into play yet. I also wanted to hug him. The years coming would change him, and for the worse. And for some reason, I had a feeling I'd be reliving the worst of it.
-Shit. As if i wasn't already confused as hell, we're gonna do this again later?-
{Think of the poor readers! How are they supposed to follow this?
-Hell we lived it and I can't follow it. They're fucked.-
{Oh well.}
Author's note. That actually is what happened after I graduated. I couldn't remember my mom's EXACT words, so I just sorta based it off all the other times she yelled at me. By the way, by 99 I mean we can't count to it. Most tickers stop at 99. Just to make sure everpony gets the point. Also, to those wondering where my dad is during this, he abandoned me at birth. That should give you enough backstory as to why I'm so pissed now.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
"Shadow wake up we got a situation."
"Is it a Hangover situation?"
"No."
I pulled a pillow over my head. "Then I don't know and I don't want to know."
"We're out of money. Both of us." This made me shoot up.
"Well...shit. Don't you have a job? Or something?"
"Remember? I got fired from weather patrol."
"Oh right, because of that relationship."
"So I've been wandering. And I just used my last paycheck."
"Okay well. Fuck." I hopped to my hooves, then began rousing the troops.
{Hey everyone! Wake da hell up!}
[Eugh, hangover, 'nother few minutes.]
-I'll cover for you.-
[Urge...hug...Reaper. ...friend.]
-I know buddy. Alright so ah whats up? What we doin?-
{Gettin a job. Any leads that my subconscious picked up?}
-Omega! Wake up.-
^I WILL CUT OFF YOU NIP- oh it's you Reaper. What?^
-We need a job.-
^Club we were at needs an act tonight. The scheduled DJ can't come.^
{Hot Damn! Sometimes I wonder how you guys know this stuff. C'mon.}
"I got something Dagger!"
"What?"
"The club we were at needs a DJ."
"Can you DJ?"
"Probably."
"Let's Go!" We dashed out the door, down the stairs, and out the inn. To the club!
____________
Elsewhere...
{Me}
[Khayo]
[WAKE UP!]
My eyes shot open and I flipped out of bed onto my hooves. I quickly got into a combat stance before realizing no one was around. I heard laughing in my head.
{You're a bit of an asshole.}
[But you love me anyway.]
{Actually, no. I hate you. If I could kill you, I would.}
[Y'know. Words hurt.]
{Kiss my ass.}
My ruckus aroused Shade as well.
[Ooh you aroused.]
{NOT LIKE THAT YOU PERV!}
"Wha? What's going on? What's up?"
"Nothin, just my asshole conscience fuckin with me."
"What a dick."
"So what are we gonna do today?"
"Smoke weed?"
I pondered that for a second before Khayo shook me from my thoughts.
"No, sadly we can't do that. We need to find Shadow."
"How do you say we do that?"
"We do something big."
"How big?"
"Gala big." Shade's eyes widened.
"What do you have in mind?"
"We're gonna pull off the biggest heist in Equestrian history."
Shade was stunned for a few seconds, but quickly regained the abiltiy to speak. "You humans are crazy."
"So Shadow told you about that?"
"Yea. In mythology they were always explained as crazy people that would come up with insane plans. Good to see it's true."
"Well we ain't gonna do it all at once. We need training, we need equipment, and most importantly we need a guild."
"So what's first?"
"Training. And I think I know who we can get it from."
"Where?"
In answer, I pointed to the door.
______________
LATER THAT NIGHT, AT THE CLUB.
Dagger nodded to me from the bar. We had gotten the gig. I was doing it for twice what the original DJ was doing it for, thanks to his bartering skills. He had a silver tongue, and he used it too smoothtalk his way through everything. Wonder where he learned that. No matter, time to get to work.
A crowd had gathered at the bar, and they were getting antsy. I looked at the setup. Standard double decks, with two magical records. I just had to think about a song, and I could put it into them. There was also a microphone, per my request. I had enchanted the both the records with my first two picks already. I nodded at Dagger. He hopped up, and shouted loud enough for the whole bar to hear.
"YO DJ! SPIN DAT SHIT!"
"WITH PLEASURE!"
I started one of my favorite songs . I let the song flow for a bit before grabbing the mic. I flipped up a few switches on my deck, then spoke into the mic.
"Doomsday." The bass dropped, and the crowd went mad. They started whooping and hollering, and thankfully not throwing bottles. It dawned on me that they've never heard this song before. In fact, they haven't heard any of the songs I know, which means I can do anything. Hmm...
The first song started throwing the bass hits signifing it coming to the end. I dropped a crossfade and slid smoothly into my next song . The guitar started up, then the chanting started. I could never understand it, but the crowd nodded their heads to the beat. I guess they like the random chantings. Then the chorused started.
'Na na na na na na na na na'
The very second time it played, the crowd all started singing along. Hell, the third time even I joined in! Who said you can't get a club riled up with an old Beck song? As the song neared it's end, I enchanted the other record. I did not crossfade into it, I instead opted to crossfade into my voice. This time I let it rang out, pure, without a single distortion.
"ARE YOU READY TO ROCK!"
The crowd resonated the equivalent of a Hell Yea!
"DO YOU WANNA ROCK!"
Once again, a general consesus of hell yea.
"That's good! Because-" I cut myself by spinning the next record.
'I WANNA ROCK! ' The guitar started jamming out power chords. Normally, I would be tuning by decks to keep it low and polished, but I wasn't doing a wedding gig. I was clubbing, and club music needed to be LOUD! The crowd started eating it up. Everyone was moving in some way. By the time the chorus came around, everyone was singing. I grabbed the microphone and turned it out to all of them.
"I WANNA ROCK!" 'Rock!'
"I WANNA ROCK!" 'Rock!'
"I WANT TO ROCK!" 'Rock!'
"I WANNA ROCK!" 'Rock!'
God it was beautiful. Dear reader, have you ever seen an entire crowd rocking out? It's a beautiful sight. There was one mare not dancing. Kind of familiar. Maybe I'll talk to her after the show. However, the song on now was coming to a close. I let it play out before grabbing my mic.
"Now for this next one, I'm callin up a buddy. Rainbow Dagger! Get up here ya crazy ass!"
Dagger hopped up onto his feet and came over to me. He got close enough to whisper.
"What you playin at?"
"I think you know this song."
"Is it Cats?"
"Yea."
He grinned. I pulled the mic back to my face.
"I got some bad news everypony. I'm a wanted stallion! I'm Wanted In Equestria! !"
The track started. As did me and Dagger's act.
"What do you think we should do next?"
"How 'bout we...we catapult some beehives over Ponyville."
"That's a classic, but I think we did that last month."
I sigh. "Got anything better in mind?"
"Well. We could always. Cover the river black. Y'know? Lot's of paint. Could be fun."
"I don't know. I think we can aim higher than that y'know?"
"Ohh." The beat started. "What do you have in mind?" The guitar started some simple chords.
"I think I have an idea. Yo pass me that mic." I grabbed the mic, and started doin what I was born to do. Rap.
"It starts out with a few bars
then it gets sick quick.
Will I go too far
like Pinkie on arsenic" The crowd started nodding their head.
"Don't wanna be in this Tiara clique!
She nit picks and shit
cause she a crazy bitch!"
"Stupid bitch." Surprisingly, Dagger could do that part spot on. The crowd was starting to stifle a laugh.
"Lick my peppermint guys go and give it a Twist.
I'm on a mission to get banished go and deal with it.
I don't care hell people hate me lickity split.
'Till I stick my dick in em like a self insert fanfic."
[The irony, considering our readers are reading a self insert fanfic.]
"ooh."
"Rickity rick the bed goes clickity click!
It's like I'm ridin the Styx but with no paddles and shit!
Tryin to piss Cerberus off just to get myself bit
just to proove to Trixie that I purposely did it."
"Impregnate Luna and start datin her sister!
Segway to clubs and pay sex to the stripper!
Have fun with the mane 6 and play naked twister.
Punch Blueblood's face until he's riddled with blisters!"
At this point, the crowd was laughing their asses off. Some were rolling on the ground. I heard one in particular.
"Stop...so..funny!!!"
"Only thing royal is that you're royally fucked up!
With your bling bling yea ya soiled it e-nough.
Bring your fuckin guards cause you know that you're not buff.
You are not tough, sorry hot stuff!"
"Grr. It's like I'm BDT!
A lot of the foals try to fuck with me!
It's fake ya take the same shit you said last week
Make it or break it you can kiss my black ass see"
At this point Dagger popped in with the chorus. He didn't have a voice like an angel, but he did have a voice like a Dawn Blush. Close 'nough.
"Cause I'm Wanted!
In Equestria!
Cause I flaunted!
To Celestia!
Cause I taunted!
To the best of ya!
I'm in a mess uh uh uh uh-uh uh.
I'm wanted! I'll be banished soon!
Gonna take a rest up on the moon!
And if you want it, I'll go out with a boom I'm wanted wanted uh uh uh."
I hopped back onto the mic, but started moving around. I hopped on to my two back hooves, something I was slowly getting better at, and started waving my hoof up and down.
"Call me Rarity cause my raps are well dressed.
I cause mess no stress from all that I invest.
I've been blessed transgressed mora assest.
Quit beatin your chest man it ain't a contest!"
The crowd was now going into chaos. The mix of drinks and lulz was making everyone go insane. I glanced at a few filly-foolers making out on a table. Then I saw their coltfriends watchin. Yep, I've fucked all of their brains up.
[I couldn't be more proud.]
i carried on.
"Ya ain't the best 'cause you got connections.
Rap! Is a test based on natural selections!
Stop flexin, I don't need no inspection.
My rhymes go harder than a clopper's erection."
A few faces went red in the crowd. Okay, a LOT of faces went red in the crowd. I almost chuckled.
"I don't mean to be lenient call me bit of a herder.
I kill this game just like it's 1st degree murder.
Pony swag building you could call it a girder.
I completely double the fun by simply getting absurder."
"Call me ill I be kickin it.
Nopony as sick as it.
My sonic rhyme BOOM! And nopony as sick as it!
Y'all like Granny Smith can't even hear me spit.
Stop Flim Flammin this and understand the defeicit!"
I just realized somethin. I have no idea how they're getting these references. Well they'll probably get this one.
"It's prejudice all the royal guards are white!
That's why this unicorn can never get his stuff right.
I'm a warrior shinin with his armor so bright
slaying changlings raps and eternal dark nights."
"I'm writin these bars like the letters I'm signing.
I be lettin it all out like the stars are aligning.
Takin you out with the stuff I'm assiginin.
And when I take it all that's a matter of timing."
Dagger started finishing off the song. I was exhausted. I know i was ending it early, but I didn't want to scare the ponies. Plus, I was exhausted.
"Alright ponies! I'm gonna throwdown a playlist while I rest. That last one wore me out!" I got a few more laughs. I put four good party songs on one of the records, then headed off to find that one mare I saw. Dagger gave me a pat on the back in congratulations, but I ignored him. I quickly spotted the her, still at the same table. I quickly slid beside her.
"Like the set?"
She turned towards me, surprised. When she spoke, she spoke with an elegant regality. Y'know the one. 'I'm so much better than you.'
"It was kind of pleasant. Not my genre of music. You surely got the crowd riled up didn't you."
I laughed. "Well yea! It's what I'm gettin paid for! So what do you do?"
"I'm a cellist."
Loading...
Loading...
Mare. Elegance. Bowtie. Cellist.
Complete...
"Oh shit! You're Octavia!"
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
She looked even more surprised now.
"A backwards DJ like you has heard of me? Also, I could do without the vulgarities."
"Who you callin backwards old-timer?"
"Old-timer! You're joking."
I deadpanned. "Just listen to yourself. I don't even thing the big shots in Canterlot still talk like that."
"Eugh can you hear yourself!"
"Hey 'Tavi. Do me a favor. Turn around. I'll buy you a drink."
"Fine." She turned herself around. I started staring very intently at her flank.
"That's odd. Octy, I can't seem to find the stick in your ass. I think it's too deep for someone to see now!"
"You irk me."
"Aww. You're adorable when you're pissed."
"Please, give me your name so I can growl it in annoyance."
"Anything for you babe. Es Shadow. Midnight Shadow."
"Shadow."
"Aww. Such a cute growl. Do it again!"
"I will murder you."
"Barkeep!" The bartender looked up. I noticed his cutie mark was a coctail mixer. Niiice.
"Oh it's you! Nice set! 'aven't seen this place jumpin like that for ages!" And he has a helluva accent.
"Sweet! Can I get a Applejack Daniels?"
"You sure can!" He levitated it over to me. "It's on the 'ouse!"
Octavia spoke up as well. "I'll have a smooth Jura. On him."
The bartender looked at me. I nodded, signifying I was okay with that.
"Alright, here you are lass. On the 'ouse."
"Thank you sir."
I guzzled down some of the whiskey. Just as good as the stuff in my flask. Not quite as strong, but I'll take it.
"I can not possibly see how you drink that sludge." And there's lil miss buzzkill, just in time to ruin my moment. Still, I can always use this chance to work my charm.
"The fire reminds me that I'm still alive. The pain tells me that I'm still free. And the taste reminds me of home."
Octavia was speechless for a few seconds. "That was...quite profound. I wouldn't expect that from you."
"Yea. Behind all my good humor, I'm dead. Rotting away in a mortal body. When life breaks you, there's only two options. Get angry, or get funny. I chose funny. Keeps most people living."
"Sounds like you had a tough life."
"You could say that. I'll bet yours is nice and cozy right?"
"Not quite. My parents-"
"My father abandoned me, and it was my fault. My mother hated me because I could never meet her impossibly high expectations, and because I drove my father away. Please tell me how yours is harder."
"My father is there yet not, and my mother wants me to be more successful than her. She was the princesses private orchestra's conducter. How do I top that."
"Well hell. I fold. 'Tavi, your parents are shittier than mine."
"Do I win a prize?" She looked quite surprise when I laughed. I gave her a playful punch in the shoulder.
"I knew someone worth hangin with was in there. Just had to liquor her up first."
Octavia slugged me back, but a bit harder. "I think you have another few songs to do."
"I think you're right. Stay for the next one?"
"...fine." I nodded my head, then created smoke on the stage. I teleported into the midst of it, and stepped out from it.
"This next one goes out to a good new friend of mine." ProTip:bonus of being in alternate universe, no one knows the music. So you can claim everything as yours."I just made it up. It's called 'Octavia's Overture. '" I threw down the track, and let the music play.
Readers... I wish I could tell you this song. But words don't cut it. The times I've cried to it, I can't say. The time at the club was no exception. I shed a tear. The crowd lit up their lighters, or horns. (How the hell should I know.) But my eyes were only on Octavia. Her eyes had started watering. I played the song to full, before pulling the mic over.
"Once again, that was to my new friend Octy! Now then, enough of the sobby shit. Let's get this place pumpin! Call me Prussian or call me Prench, Vodka's my friend and Absolut is da best!"
I threw down Greyhound and walked off the stage. The crowd parted as I walked over to Octavia. She had been crying.
"Was it that obvious?"
"A Canterlot mare at a nightclub? Yea. You ran away from home, hopin to hit it big, and you learned the truth. The world sucks, and you're doomed."
"Well Shadow. Sounds like you're speakin from past experience."
I thought for a second, but decided I could trust her. "I have. I was a DJ. A long time ago, in another place." Not a complete lie, but not the full truth.
"And how'd that work out?"
"Good 'nough later, but had a shitty year to get there."
"So it'll get better soon?" She had a glimmer of hope in her eyes.
"Yea. Do you need a place to stay?"
"Kind of."
"C'mon. Me and Dagger got a room."
Her eyes lit up, before narrowing. "I still will NOT be sleeping with you."
I pretended to pout. "Pwease? I swear I won't fool around!"
"You're insufferable."
I took a swift swig of my whiskey that I had left. "Aww. Ya hurt me feelings. I'm gonna go finish this set. Keep drinking."
_________
Elsewhere...
{Me}
[Khayo]
The large cat had been instructing Shade in the art of stealth takedowns for the past hour. I had been learning how to pick locks. Using hooves, it was a little difficult, but after learning how to use my wings as hands it was simple. I was soon able to pick all of the locks, from the simple to the complex. Shade had learned how to subdue enemies without drawing too much attention. Judging from what I saw, he learned how to use his horn as a knife. He was able to attack all the targets they set up for him making almost no noise. We were tired, but we had learned much. When we laid our heads to bed, I couldn't shake the feeling that we could do this.
[Even I have to admit, the plan is foolproof. Even if the stakes are high.]
{That's the point. Everyone will know about it. And Shadow would know the only person crazy enough to try it-}
[Is you.]
{Hell yea.}
____________
Back at the club...
I stepped down from the stage. "Thank you! I'll be here next week!"
[I think that went well.]
{I think you're right. Then again, you're probably just happy because of all the mares who asked us to fuck them.}
[Eh probably.]
I walked outside. Dagger and 'Tavi were close on my heels. As soon as we were far enough away I turned to Dagger.
"Did you get what we came for?"
"You kiddin me? 'Soarin couldn't shut up about it!"
Octavia looked confused. "What are you talking about?"
Dagger produced a sack of bits and threw them at my feet. "That's everything they had in the register, and a few off the barkeep. As well as your pay."
Octavia looked at me in horror. "You robbed them?!"
I laughed. "No, we relieved them of unneeded money." Dagger gave me a high-hoof. I threw Octavia a dozen or so bits.
"Welcome to the Equestrian Thieves Guild!"
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
In an undisclosed location, far from mortal lands...
The God's were gathered around Good and Evil.
"He is mine!"
"No! Look into his heart! He is a child of darkness!"
"There is good to be had in him!"
"There is evil as well!"
Celestia saw this as her moment to hop in. "He is of both, yet niether. He is a mortal that walks on both sides of the line. A being of both Order, and Chaos."
The God's all turned towards her. Luna was the first to speak.
"Sister. You aren't considering..."
"I am not. To make him an Agent is insane. For now, we will watch and wait. If he prooves himself, then the ceremonies will begin."
Rage got up from his side. "I doubt it will. I've seen the kid. He's...different. Not quite right. There's rage in him, just waiting to be let out."
Peace came out to counter. "Now wait a second! I've seen that rage as well, but I've also seen the peace that comes with it!"
"He was at peace. Until two idiots decided to wake him from his slumber, and thrust him into the world once more."
Both Celetia and Luna spoke up at the same time. "Hey! Is it our fault our sisters are idiots?"
Rage sighed. "I suppose not, but you should keep them on a shorter leash."
The twin sisters nodded.
"ENOUGH!" Good erupted.
"For once, I shall agree." Evil said.
"Our squabbles get us nowhere. All in favor of letting it play out say yay!"
Most of the major gods, as well as a few minor gods yelled out.
"Well that settles it. We shall wait. To your realms!"
All of the gods quickly took their respective forms and left to go to their respective realms. Only Good and Evil remained.
"We aren't just going to leave him alone are we?"
"No, we aren't."
"Y'know. For being the god of Good, you're pretty evil."
"Sometimes, to help everyone, you have to be the villian of the piece."
_________
Back at the inn...
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
"That is...that is.." Octavia was still having trouble making words. We had finally gotten off the streets, and were now lying on our beds at the inn. Dagger had his own, and Octavia had to sleep with me. (Not like that Pervs! God I can already hear your fingers tapping out a new bit of clopfiction!)
"What it is is business." Dagger had been going at it with Octavia for awhile now. Apperently, Octavia thought thieves were horrible people who steal things.
*Well. I wouldn't call us horrible. But other than that.*
[Nah. She makes it sound like it takes no skill! It takes a LOT of skill to be a good thief.]
*True.*
-How would you know this?-
[Reaper. Go look at the memories of our childhood. There's a folder called Thief. Watch them some time.]
{Cut the chatter, I wanna hear them.}
"It is a horrible business."
"Hey Mrs. Fancypants. Might not have noticed, but there's a bit of a recession goin on. We need all the bits we can get. But i guess you wouldn't know anything about that huh?"
Octavia shut up. I started talkin.
"Dagger...you didn't tell me anything about a recession. Is it like the one back home?"
"It's worse. They both started the same, and the reason it's continuing is the same as well. However, it's somehow more corrupt."
Shit. Their government is stealing from them! "Bloody hell Dagger. How much do you know?"
"It started after Nightmare Moon's return. Shit started gettin a little funky. Luna asked to be part of the finances a bit more. She made a few bad gambles with some money she didn't have."
"Just like back home."
"Exactly. After that...well y'know the saying. The rich stay in power."
"The rich get richer, the poor die. How'd you come across this info?"
"Well. After I got fired, I decided to put my skills to better use. I was with the Royal Guard for a bit. That's how I learned all this. Then I flew away, hoping to get a bit of a crew. I ran into you."
"I feel honored. Alright. So what are we? Anons? Just gonna protest a bit?"
"I was thinkin Man on a Ledge."
I thought for a second. Dagger had suggested we break into the private chambers of governments, unlock their vaults, and throw the money back to the people.
(Yea, pretty much.)
[Eugh Fire. Much as I love ya, stay out of our thoughts mkay?]
(But what about-)
[Out.]
-Soren. What was that about?-
[I'll tell ye when we're far away from her.]
"Uh stallions? I don't think you were nearly as successful as you thought you were."
A voice shouted at us through the door. "Police! Come out with your hands up! We know you are there Midnight Shadow, Rainbow Dagger, and Octavia Philharmonica."
"Well Miss Philharmonica! Looks like you are officially one of us now."
She looked shocked. "What? But...but. I'm Canterlot nobility! I can't be a theif!"
"You can, and are. Unless you want a few years behind bars. And trust me, you would not do well in the dungeons."
"Why is that?" Her voice trembled just a bit.
"Hah! Come here cello girl! Make your mommy sing."
Octavia turned a pale white. It was quite noticable, considering her normal color of brown.
"Hey uh. Not to interrupt the moment, but we should get out of here."
I nodded, grabbed Octavia, and tensed up.
"Lemme guess. They bust the door and run past them, get to the roof, and run?"
Dagger shrugged. "That was the best I got."
"Alright then. Three." SLAM "Two." SLAM "One. Here we go!" SLAM!
_________
Elsewhere...
{Me}
[Khayo]
"Hey Shade. You awake?"
"Yea? You scared for him?"
"I can't shake this feeling..."
"I know. I got it too. We can only hope he can get himself out."
We both were quiet after that. I had assumed Shade at went to sleep. However, he spoke up again before I drifted off.
"Do you really think it'll work? Stealing from her?"
"You kiddin me? We'll make the headlines for sure. Then we go to jail, and Shadow busts us again."
"It'll be the one near Pegasus won't it."
"Possibly. Don't worry. We'll be fine. I got it all planned out."
"I sure hope so."
"However, we gotta get equipment. I think these cats will be able to help a little bit, but we'll need to find a true thieves haven. Any ideas?"
"Da. I know a place."
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
The door busted in. Dagger flew into the first of the guards. He slammed his hoof into him, then grabbed him and threw him into his buddies. I grabbed Octavia and pulled her after me like a ragdoll. I quickly galloped past the guards and up the stairs. After the first flight I spun around.
"DAGGER!"
Rainbow Dagger turned to look at me. He nodded, and started running. Before he made it to the stairs, he turned around and dropped something I hadn't seen him holding. As soon as it hit the ground, a thick cloud of smoke started coming out of it. As soon as he caught up with me, I continued running.
"Nice trick."
Dagger chuckled. "Aye. Smoke bombs are more...fun in Equestria."
"Looks like we got plenty of equipment."
Dagger nodded his head. "I learned the exact specs of it. Since it isn't a true weapon, it is a bit harder to make than a gun, but I can manage."
"So we got experience, and we got equipment. What else do we need?"
"A true guild."
I nodded my head. "I suppose you know where to find one?"
Dagger smiled. "Da. I know a place."
I groaned as we went up another flight of stairs. "Really Dagger? Quoting Nikolai?"
"What? He was my favorite russian! Both versions of him!"
Octavia was staring at us like we were crazy. "What are you two talking about?"
I bounded up another two flights of stairs before answering. "Tell you what Octy. We get out of this, and I'll tell you one helluva tale."
She nodded, and finally pulled away from my hooves. She started running on her own. I looked up. Another two flights and we'll be there. A spell flew past my head. The unicorns in the contingent had finally realized they couldn't catch us, and were currently firing off beams of magic at us.
*They look like lazers...*
-That is because they ARE lazers. The simplest of combat magics to learn. Firebombs and electricity flowing from your horn are actually quite complicated.-
*That makes no sense though! Wouldn't firing pure magic be harder that channeling it into an element?*
-For a human yes. But unicorns have their horn to focus their magic. Therefore, all they have to do to fire a destructive beam is focus.-
*Are you suggesting th-*
Midnight Shadow was cut off by one of said lazers hitting me in the flank.
I yelped out in pain, then fired back one of my own. It hit the unicorn that fired at me in the neck, killing him/her instantly. Despite the pain of being shot in the ass, I rose my neck up and shouted out a good one-liner.
"ADD ANOTHER THOUSAND TO MY BOUNTY!"
Dagger dragged me up the final flight. I poured my energy into a spell that mended my wound. It didn't ease the pain, but it instantly close the wound. Octavia gasped in surprise.
"You're wound!"
"Yea I know. C'mon Earth filly. Don't tell me ye never heard of magic."
She glared at me before huffing and turned back to the door in front of us. It was locked. I stared at it for a few seconds before Dagger turned to me.
"Can you pick it?"
I shook my head. "Not in time. I have a plan though."
"What?"
I held my left hoof out. "Model 1987. Now." Dagger nodded, and the shotgun was pressed into my hoof. I sat onto my hindlegs and fired the shotgun at the lock. It broke, and Dagger was able to buck the door off it's hinges. The Model disappeared. We ran out onto the rooftop. Huge towers loomed over us. The closest building we could escape to was the roof of the club next to us. And the guards were almost to the stairs.
"What now?" Octavia looked shocked at my words.
"You mean you don't have a plan?"
"My plan involved freerunning across the city. As you can tell, not an option."
"What'd you expect from Manehattan? A bunch of small little buildings?"
I turned to Dagger. "You didn't tell me we were in Manehattan."
He shrugged. "You didn't ask."
"Okay. Well. I have a plan then."
Octavia fell onto the ground laughing. "What could you POSSIBLY do to get us out of here? We're doomed! Doomed!"
[Well she's officially gone crazy.]
-She reminds me of the Mad God himself.-
*You met Discord?*
-Nay. Discord is the god of Chaos.-
[So you met with Sheograth.]
-Aye. That is indeed one of his names.-
*Wabbajack wabbajack wabbajack.*
[What?]
*Nothing.*
I let out a grin. "Do you see the glass building next to us?" My two companions looked over at it, then turned back to me nodding. "We're going right through it." Once again Octavia, drunk off adrenaline, burst into a fit of laughter.
"You are absolutely mad!"
"Neigh, that is you silleh filleh!"
Dagger just stared at me. "A pony pun? Really?" He deadpanned.
This time it was my turn to shrug. I grabbed the giggling Octavia and started galloping towards the edge of the building. At the last second, I jumped. Dagger just flew into the building. I slammed Octavia into the building first, then I started falling. I crashed into a pane of glass exactly one floor underneath them. I turned back to see all the guards at the edge of the building. They were too afraid to risk the jump, for it would have been a long fall indeed, and were starting to go back down. We had a few minutes. I quickly found a stairwell, and joined Dagger and Octavia.
"Well that worked. But now what?"
I smiled at Dagger. "How good are your wings?"
After another few minutes of running up stairs, we made it to the top of the skyscraper. I hopped onto Dagger's back, then held my hand out to Octavia.
"If you take my hoof, there's no way you can go back to the way you once lived!"
She gazed at it for a few moments. "There's no way I could now anyway. Might as well have a bit of adventure!" She grabbed my hoof, and I pulled her up. She was sitting on his flank. She had to grip onto me or face falling off. Dagger ran off the building, jumped, and started flying us away. Octavia spoke up one more time.
"Do you do this with all the mares you meet?"
I smiled back at her. "Only the hot ones!" She blushed furiously.
(Smooth. Real smooth.)
{Thank you! I'll be here all week.}
[Oops.]
/Oop's is right.\
{So Dagger! Where are we going?}
{Sounds lovely.}
Author's note. The Volcanic Wastes are from a different story. You can find it here . Sorry there isn't anything for Dream Cloud and Shade, but they're sleeping right now! Expect more from them next chapter. Also! Be sure to check out my other story Code Equestria. You can find it here . If you need any convincing to read it other than I wrote it, here's a preview.
I opened my eyes. My Little Dashie plushie looked back at me. Her hooves were a little wet, and I was pretty sure it wasn't spit.
Go check it out!
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
Our trip towards the wastes was mainly uneventful. Between my spells to sustain Dagger, and Dagger's training, we made wonderful time. Along the way, I recounted the finer points of my life with Octavia.
"Well. First things first. Octy. I'm a human." I quickly grabbed her and pulled her back on to Dagger. "Hey I just started!"
"So my friend Lyra is correct? Humans do exist?"
I nodded my head. "Me and Dagger here are both humans. I'm here...well we'll get to that. Dagger came here to get rid of the voices in his head. Still haven't gotten around to that have you?"
"I can drop you at any time asshole!"
"Yea I know. That's what makes it funny."
Octavia was still scrambling to understand what the hell was going on. I mean hell. You've just been kidnapped by mystical creatures. What would YOU do?
"You're lying." Well that made sense.
"Sadly. I'm not. Think about it. Would a pony know those songs?"
"Perhaps not..."
"No. I created those songs on Earth." What? I had to keep a LITTLE bit of street cred. She didn't need to know how shitty I was.
"Proove it."
I stroked my chin thoughtfully. Then I consulted the all powerful demon in my head. Yes I know! I shock myself. Sometimes I make smart and nonimpulsive decisions. Amazing right?
-Yea whatever. You're still an idiot.-
{How can we show her?}
-Could show her our memories.-
{Hmm. Sounds like a good plan.}
*WAIT!*
{What?}
*We're in a bad fanfic. No memory spells ever work right in a a bad fanfic!*
{...I'll risk it.}
"Hey Shadow! Equestria to Shadow! Look at me. Can't have you fallin off now." Ah. Wonderful Octavia. Always there to break my train of thought. Or thoughts. Or conversations. Or...whatever the hell it is.
"Sorry. I was merely consulting the all powerful demon in my head. As it is, I have a plan to proove to you I am indeed a human. Dagger? Set us down there."
Dagger nodded, and then closed his wings. We started dropping like a rock. Octavia was screaming, Dagger was laughing, and I was just yelling "You fucktard!" Right before we hit the ground and became a wonderful multicolored pancake, Dagger's wings shot up and we glided to the ground. I hopped off his back and turned to him.
"If you do that again...Cupcakes will not be able to match the torture I will put you through." He gulped. My intimidation tactics were working!
-I also made your eyes red and set your mane on fire. You like a horse of the apocalypse.-
{Well...thanks.}
[Hey Reaper? Could ya put it out? I don't feel like burning to a nice tasty crisp today.]
^Yes indeed. I would rather my enemies be the ones burning. Not us.^
I turned to Octavia. "Okay...I have absolutely no idea how this works, so here goes nothing." Before she could protest, I tackled her to the ground (20% more fun when you're a pony!) and touched my horn to her forehead.
We were both suddenly in an alleyway. I hopped up, in human form, and lifted my hand to Octavia. She looked up at me like I was an alien. Oh yea.
"So...you really are a human?" I nodded. "Where are we?" She had gotten out of the alley and was looking around.
"The wonderful town of Nashville. My hometown. With a few changes."
"I still can't believe it. How quickly my life has changed. One minute I'm a washed up has-been, and the next I've been kidnapped by mythological beings " I chuckled.
"You think your life is insane? I woke up after shooting myself as a pony. Nothing tops that. And Dagger got attacked by an evil computer program. That's a pretty close second."
"You're not joking...are you?"
I shook my head, then facehoofed because she was looking at Nashville and couldn't see me. "No. I'm not. C'mon. Lie back down. We still have to make it to the wastes." She nodded her head. I placed my head down in the alleyway, and came back to the real world...
__________
Earlier that day...
{Me}
[Khayo]
I turned to Shade. "Do we have everything?"
He nodded. "Smoke bombs, invisibility potions, and retractable blades."
"And you know how to make all of those?"
Shade nodded again. Then he continued going through the knapsack I had made. "We also have water and food to sustain us for 2 weeks, however our journey should take much less."
"So where are we going again?"
"The Volcanic Wastes. Specifically, Mos Hoofsly. Never will you find a more vile hive of scum and villainy."
"In other words, the perfect place to get a guild." Shade nodded.
[I can't believe we're going to a ponified version of Mos Eisley. I wonder if we'll find Hoof Solo, pilot of the Millenium Pegasus.]
{Sorry Khayo, but I highly doubt it.}
[Hey! I can dream of that wonderful, ama-]
{I'm gonna cut you off right there Khayo. Remember, I'm still straight.}
[For NOOOOOOOWWW.]
{I hate it when you do that singsong voice. I hope you know that.}
I broke off my inner monologue to listen to Shade.
"Now then we are in the Feline Jungle, which means we aren't that far from the Wastes. If we head-" He pointed his hoof for emphasis." That way, we should run into Mos Hoofsly."
"So how is this gonna work?"
"I'm going to ride on your back."
[Aw Yeah! Cowpony style!]
{Oh dear god kill me now.}
I sighed. "It IS the fastest way..."
Shad chuckled at my plight. "Colt-cuddlin conscience givin ya trouble?"
"Yea. He's a real dick sometimes."
Shade continue to laugh. "Alright. Let me mount up. I'll be sure to get into a good position."
"And you're a dick too. Stop encouraging him, else he makes you rape me."
Shade's eyes went wide at that statement. Think about that for a second. These ponies have very big eyes. Shade's just got bigger. It was amazing. And hilarious. Wait. Did I just break the fourth wall. Oops.
"C-Could he do that?"
"Hell if I know. Probably. Now hop on. We gotta get to this Mos Hoofsly." Shade nodded, then hopped on to my back. I shot my wings out and began to fly. Shade had learned a spell that would keep my bassic essentials of life fulfilled, so I did not have to stop flying. Pretty sweet spell if you ask me. Aw man. I did it again. Sorry Fourth wall!
_________
At Mos Hoofsly...
"Seriously Dagger? You brough us to the ponified version of Mos Eisley?" It was a pretty cool place actually. Airships were everywhere. Airships and drunks. There were also lots of bars. However, unlike the futuristic place in Star Wars, this place looked quite industrial. Steampunk, if you will.
*I wonder if we'll meet...Hoof Solo.*
[Shadow. You're a fucking nerd.]
*That's the idea dumbass.*
[...one day, I will find a way to kill you.]
*Likewise...cockbite.*
Dagger nodded his head. "You wanted scum and villainy? This is the best place. C'mon. Let's head down to the local cantina." I nodded and followed him closely. Octavia was hot on my...heels? Hooves? Honestly at this point I still have no fucking clue. He led us down a shady alleyway into a bar.
"Alright Shadow, I have a contact here already. Once we find this guy, you can go get a few drink, make a few friends."
"Sounds good. Where's our guy?" Dagger nodded his head toward the end of the bar . A pony was sitting there, wearing a tuxedo. He looked pretty dapper for a place like this. He was drinking a martini, and had two mares swooning over him. He shooed them away once he saw us. We started walking over to him.
"Rainbow Dagger?" I finally got a good look at him. Wait a second.
"Dagger. Donut Joe is our contact?"
The stallion laughed. "Oh that's just my cover. My name is Mane. Con Mane.
Author's note. As if this story could get more ridiculous, I'm gonna make it more rediculous! I expect to see some more Con Mane fiction after this story.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
The Gods converged in their usual meeting place. All of the minor gods sat on the outside.
"He has come in search of the next one."
"Indeed. He doesn't know that we've already picked Shadow as a candidate."
"Does he really need to know?" Voices sprouted up to offer their opinion, but were quickly silenced.
"He needs to do this. All Agents do. Let him have his final hurrah."
"Agreed. No one here shall assist them."
"Meeting adjurned."
______
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
-Reaper-
I turned to Dagger. "Seriously! Our contact is Con Bloody Mane!"
Dagger shrugged. "I worked with him while I was a Royal Guard. He provided intel for when we sent a team into changeling lands. I thought it was a joke, but he is indeed the real Con Mane."
"There was this one time I was almost discovered by-" I cut him off.
"Pinkie Pie. However you were saved by Twilight Sparkle, who unwittingly enforced your cover. In answer to how I know that, I am an interdimensional being who can sometimes view what is happening in this world." This stopped Con from speaking, as he was too busy picking his jaw off the ground. "Now then. Dagger are you sure he won't turn on us?"
Dagger nodded. "He was framed for an attempted assassination. He had been told to eliminate somepony at a major ceremony. He was to assassinate the assassinator. However, his target never showed up." Con Mane had regained his senses and decided to take over.
"Next thing I knew, a spell fires off, and I'm blamed. The bloody princess brought me before her and everything. I got banished from Equestria. I decided to take the title of assassin and moved out here. I've been getting jobs. It was a slow week 'till Dagger called. Let me just say, I'm in. I was framed, and now I want my revenge."
"Revenge is my favorite motivator. Alright Dagger. We can trust him. Anyone else?"
Before Dagger could say something, Mr. Mane spoke up. "I actually have someone who could help. She is a master of bladed weapons."
[I have a funny feeling I know where this is going.]
-You and me both.-
"Ah! She approaches! Don't let her appearance fool you. She can kill you with her bare hands. Or she could use one of the billion of knives she hides on her."
Up walked...a mule. Wearing a yellow jumpsuit.
"Okay this is unfuckin believable. You're telling me that Mulia Mild is our fourth crew member?"
"Ah. You've heard of her then?"
I nodded. "She's a fuckin baker."
"That was one of her covers. She used that bakery to sneak into Canterlot."
I pulled out my cigarette pack. I hadn't had a Mareboro since we touched down to show Octavia my memories. And I needed a LOT of zen godness right now.
Oh right. Octavia. I took a quick glance to see how she was holding up. To her credit, she didn't look scared. I had expected her to be more afraid of the super badass spy and the Kill Bill reject. Hmm. Maybe she has some sort of Canterlot poker face. Could be useful for infiltration.
"Right then. So Dagger. Let me get this straight. Our little crew consists of you, a weapons specialist; me, a magic specialist; Octavia, infiltration and distraction; a superspy; and a Kill Bill reject?" I lit my ciggy and took a long breathe in. Ahh.
"That about sums it up. Why?" I slammed my head on the table.
"We are so totally fucked."
Dagger chuckled. "Relax. I hired the best. Take a look at the combat triangle. It's perfect!"
"No. We need something else. A medic. We need my friends."
"Well, we don't have your friends. Trust me Shadow, this'll work."
I shook my head doubtfully. "I need a drink." I slammed my hoof onto the table in front of me. "Bartender! Applejack Daniels!" The pony nodded and quickly filled my order. I grabbed the bottle and took a long swig out of it.
"Hey pardner. Couldn't help but overhear your situation. I think I know a stallion who can help you out" Hmm.
*Hold up. Bartenders giving quests? HOLY SHIT IT'S SKYRIM!*
"Who." The bartender pointed to an empty booth.
"He should be there in a few." I thanked him and threw enough bits on the table to pay for the drink, and a few more for the tip. I excused myself from the group. Dagger was currently going over the plan with Con Mane and Mulia Mild. I don't believe he even noticed me leave. I slowly trotted over to the empty booth. Still, no pony sat in it. I finally reached the booth, and took a seat. As soon as I sat down, a red figure came up next to me.
"Well! I think your readers want something new and crazy. I'm gonna give it to them!" Hold up. He said what now?"
"What the fuck?" I looked up to see...holy shit. Deadhoof was standing right next to me. He was dressed in red, with black on his eyes and other parts of his body. He had a horn, which the mask somehow covered.(Equestrian physics) Finally, he had an arsenal with him. Katanas, grenades, guns, he had 'em all.
"That's right! It is I! The one and only amazingly sexy Deadhoof. Please feel free to bask in my awesomeness for a few minutes. And remember, I'm 20% sexier than that knockoff Deadpool."
*How many walls did he just break?*
^Error...Does. Not. Compute.^
[Aw hell yea! Deadpool! Our life is complete!]
-Soren, I think it would be wise to make sure he hasn't just destroyed the universe before we celebrate him being here.-
{Someone tell me what the fuck is going on here.}
"Well, I am the ponified version of Deadpool. Who is not a real person. And we both know this. We also play poker with each other every Sunday night."
{He can read minds?!}
"Yes, and so can Pinkie Pie. Any more questions?"
"Will you help us?" Deadhoof started chuckling.
"Of course I'll grace you with my wonderful presence. Why else would I have come over here?"
"Then follow me. I need to introduce you to the rest of the crew."
"You mean the superspy, Kill Bill reject, Canterlot mare, and other human?"
I sighed. "I don't think I'm gonna get used to you."
"Fantastic!"
___________
{Me}
[Khayo]
Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Mos Hoofsly...
"So. This is it then?" Shade nodded.
"Mos Hoofsly ship port. Never will you find a large hive of scum and villainy."
[Can we meet Hoof Solo?]
{If he exists, I am never letting you get anywhere close to him.}
"Right so then. We should just walk into a random cantina and yell out recruiting for the Equestrian Thieves Guild?"
"What? Would that not work?" I facehoofed.
"It'd probably be a good way to get us shot. Follow me lead. We have to be subtle."
"Who says your good at subtlety?" I pointed towards my ass.
"My cutie mark is for stealth. I'm pretty damn sure I'm good at subtlety."
I trotted into the cantina with my head held high. I walked over to the bartender and bought a drink. As soon as he brought it back I did the only thing I learned from Skyrim.
"Heard any rumors?"
The barpony nodded. "One very recently. A black unicorn is trying to gather up a crew to rob the princesses."
[That's our Shadow!]
{He's not yours! He's straight!}
[...party pooper.]
"Point me and my friend in the direction."
The barkeep nodded his head to the left. Except instead of Shadow, I saw ponies that looked suspiciously like Royal Canterlot Guards. Wait. Shit.
"ALL MEMBERS OF THE EQUESTRIAN THIEVES GUILD ARE UNDER ARREST! DO NOT RUN, OR WE WILL USE LETHAL FORCE!"
Here we go again.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
Author's note. This is a short chapter. I know this. This is purposeful. Why? Because I want to name the second chapter the Hayngover. Anyway looking for pre readers. Enjoy
{Me}
[Myself]
^The other me^
*and I*
(It’ll make sense soon enough, I swear.)
To whoever gets this, hello. I’d tell you my name, but it seems so insignificant to everyone else nowadays that that would be a waste of my breath. In short I will be kill-
[You sound like a whiny bitch.]
{You know Soren, that makes you a whiny bitch too.}
[Point taken. Still. Go over it one more time.]
This had been going on for a few hours in my head. You see, I have a few demons in my head. Not real demons, simply parts of me that I section off. Bad parts of me. That way I can tune in and out of them. It’s effective, as one side tells me to kill everything. I block that out ‘till I can play some violent videogames and let her loose.
^Good to see I’m still important to you.^
{Quick sidenote Luna I simply named you off of my perception of a pony in a TV show for little girls. Don’t get all misty eyed yet.}
^Right forgot you were an asshole. Hey wanna go kill everyone?^
What’d I tell you? So as I was saying. Yea, I got problems. Luckily with my new pony friend (his name was .45) I was leaving soon enough.
{Worst pun ever}
[Yea I’ll be here the rest of my life. Another few seconds.]
Fuck the suicide note. I took the gun and placed the barrel to my head. I silently sent a prayer. I’m not much of a religious man, but it can’t hurt. Then I pulled the trigger, thinking that’d be that.
If only my life was THAT easy.
______________________________________________________________________________
I awoke in the middle of...fucking nowhere. Hold up there’s something wrong here. Hmm what could it be...
[Maybe that we shot ourselves in the head and survived?]
{Nah that was just to get rid of you. I knew I was going to be fine.}
[Ladies and gentleman the smartass has not been knocked out of him, you can release your breath]
I must be the only one who can carry on an argument with myself. I looked around for my gun. Second time’s the charm. I reached for it with me...hoof? I looked at where my hand should have been. Yep there’s now a hoof there. I held up the other one. One hoof, two hoof. Hooves. Whoop de fuckin do.
Now don’t get me wrong. I am a brony. Honest to god. I simply wasn’t surprised at seeing that I had...hooves.
*WAITASECONDHOLYSHITIHAVEHOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVESSSSSS!!!!!!!!*
I said I wasn’t. However Midnight Shadow was very surprised. And excited. And when someone’s yelling at the top of their lungs inside your head, it hurts like hell real quick.
{Soren shut him the fuck up}
[C’mon Shadow. Back into your box]
*NO WE MUST BE IN EQUESTRIA! ACQUIRE PONIES!*
{WE CAN’T JUST GO AROUND AND STEAL PONIES!}
[FUCK PONIES ACQUIRE ALCOHOL!]
^WHY THE HELL ARE WE ALL YELLING?!?!^
Oww. Damn if I thought listening to Shadow hurt, four others was like hell. Still I suppose one of them was right. The smart logical one. Soren.
{Soren is right. First things first. Find alcohol.}
[Hell yea.]
Yes. I am an alcoholic.I will drink large amounts at a time. This is only because I am boring as hell otherwise. So it shouldn’t be surprising when my first thoughts go to alcohol. I thought I had a flask on me when I left, so I reached into my pocket. And took out my flask. Hold up, I don’t have pockets! I looked behind me to make sure. Nope, nothing. Well that’s nice. God forbid I have fuckin holes in my ass. Still where did my booze come from?
[Fuck logic, drink alcohol]
{Yea. Fuck logic. Get shitfaced.}
I took a nice swig of whiskey. Watered down with vodka. Yeah I know. Hardcore alcoholic.
[You make it seem like someone else is listening.]
{For all we know someone is}
I then spouted off some philosophical bullshit before passing out from alcohol consumption. Tomorrow I’ll get to work. Tomorrow I’ll see what the hell I look like. Tomorrow...I’ll have one bigass hangover.
An alcoholics recollection of Equestria
{Me}
[Soren]
^Omega^
*Midnight Shadow*
We got back to Las Pegasus just in time for work. I swear the gods had something against me.
(Some of us do.)
{Oh look. Everyponies favorite annoying space-invading goddess!}
(...I have news actually.)
{What kind of news we talkin here?}
(It's not safe to say in here, and I'm afraid you won't believe me anyway. We should talk somewhere in private.)
{Yea well. I have work right now, so we'll see.}
(You might not have to worry about that.)
With those mysterious words, she ended the connection. Well...that was weird. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Dream Cloud was keeping up. Good. I shouted to make sure I was heard over the wind.
"THAT'S WHERE I WORK! WE GOTTA LAND THERE!"
"THE PLACE WITH ALL THE FLASHING LIGHTS?!" He yelled back.
I glanced down. He was right. There were a lot of odd flashing lights. Troubling. I hope Shade hasn't done anything stupid.
"YEAH! THAT'S THE PLACE!" With those words, I tucked my wings in and dropped to the ground at breakneck speed. I heard Dream Cloud gasp, but ignored it. I instead yelled out the only battle cry I know of.
"LEEEEEEEEEERRROOOOOOOOOYYY JEEEEEEEEENNNNNKKKKKIIIIINNNSSS!!!!!!"
The ground continued rushing up, yet I refused to pull up. No, I'm afraid i'm much crazier than that dear reader. (Yea! Fourth wall, stop trying to stand back up!) Instead, mere seconds before I became a nice little pancake on the ground, my horn lit up, and I landed on the ground. Teleport spells. Gotta love em. Dream Cloud decided to do it the wuss way, and simply landed. Well I guess not everypony can be as kool (With a K!) as me.
However something more pressing was on my mind. Upon closer inspection, those flashing lights were very familiar. They were red and blue. And I could now hear the siren. No doubt about it, these were the cops. Which could only mean...
"Shit. SHADE!"
I saw him being levitated out of the bar with...SWEET CELESTIA HOW MUCH WEED IS THAT?!
^Appears to be roughly 20 Kilos^
[Well...seems like we're out of a job. Unless we do something drastic.]
"Is that Shade?" Dream Cloud asked, shaking me out of my self induced stupor.
"Sadly. Yes."
Dream Cloud chose to simply whistle. I can't say I blame him. 20 kilos was pretty impressive. However we had more pressing matters on our hands. Namely, my livelihood. And the only stoner in all of Equestria was going to jail! All the fun I was gonna have...ruined in an instant. Unless...
"We have to do something." I told him.
"Why? I mean sure he's probably a cool guy, and yea he's your boss, but why should we risk our own lives?"
"Easy. He is the only stoner in all of Equestria." Dream Cloud just shook his head. Okay, so maybe I'm the only one that sees the benefits of combining weed and magic. Never the less I still had to try. Which means I have to pull the lowest punch in history.
I turned to Dream Cloud, batted my eyelashes, and in as a seductive voice as I could muster said the most persuasive words known to ponydom.
"Do it for me?"
Dream Cloud just stared at me for a bit, as if unsurprised I would pull this. Then he sighed and muttered out "Fine. Gawd your an ass you know that."
"You love it."
"Ya know, if ya don't stop now I might actually think your gay."
"Ya ya. Anyway...here's the plan.
[Oh boy. Here we go.]
{CUE DANNY OCEAN MONTAGE!}
XXXXXXX
{Wow I can voice over in the background of these things! Gawd I love being in a story. Oh sorry Fourth Wall. Didn't mean to roundhouse kick you to next Tuesday. Anyway. So first I'll take position on the roof across from the jail, and use Shadow Eye to get a detailed heat map.}
I run up to the top of the building. Checking to make sure no one saw me, I lay down my pad. What? Just cause it's a secret mission means I can't be comfortable? I lay down on the pad and look over at the prison. It's nothing major, looks like a typical run of the mill prison. Barbed wire fences, search lights, heavy amounts of guards. It's just really small. Guess crime isn't a big issue around here.
*Yea fancy that. Low crime rate in the land of magic and friendship. Didn't see that one coming.*
[Shut up Shadow. Let's focus on the mission right now eh?]
*Right. Breaking our stoner friend out of jail. Iniating Phase one of Right to Party.*
A quick flash of my horn, and my eyesight turns from normal to thermal vision. I quickly survery the prison, then look for Dream Cloud. "Alright. I got you on my scopes. Proceed with Phase one."
{Once I'm in position, you'll have to get to the security terminal. I'll try to make sure you don't run into anyone. The security booth is at the very center of the facility.}
DREAM CLOUD'S POV
'Alright. I got you on my scopes. Proceed with Phase one.' Oww. Him talking in my head was kinda painful.
'Hey man...owww...couldn't you have ah though of a better way to communicate? Other than mind to mind?'
'It doesn't hurt that bad.'
'Yes. It does.'
'Well then maybe you should stop talking, and start moving.'
'Copy that Overlord. Proceeding with Phase one.'
I started moving towards the vent. According to the blueprints we...procured, it should take me right above the security booth.
"I hope this works."