How I Met my New Roommate:
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Not So Funny Story

How I Met my New Roommate:

Man… this bed feels nice, so soft, so warm… I don’t want to leave this- god fucking dammit. Of course as soon as I wake up and wanna go back to sleep, the goddamn sun shines directly onto my eyelids! Great, just wonderful… I lifted my head up with a groan. My pillow is weirdly warm for some reason, like I don’t recall getting a heated pillow with the house I rented. Nor do I think Equestria has the technology for that. I sat up with a stretch and slowly turned to… Luna. Luna, who was wide awake, was staring at me. Okay, that is fucking creepy.

“Uh… g’morning, your highness.”

Luna gave me a warm looking smile. “Good morning, Mr. Fruit Punch. We hope thou have had a good night’s sleep?”

“Uh… yeah, let’s go with that. Why the heck was I using you as a pillow?”

“We hugged you after you gave us the rest of your food and you fell asleep. My sister believed it would be appropriate to take thee back to the castle, given that it was much closer to the Hayburger then your home was. Is there a problem with thou sleeping in a bed in the palace?”

“Oh no, I’m just wondering why I… Is this your room?”

“It is, why do thou ask?”

The fresh fuck?

“Why…?”

“This is the best room we could get thee on such a short notice.”

“Okay… I’m just gonna go ahead and go home now. I’ve got a whole weekend to myself; the first since college, and I would like to go enjoy it. So if you don’t mind me, I’m gonna see myself out!” Before Luna could speak, I darted towards the door and started booking it down the halls. Man, what a morning, eh?

I trotted down the castle halls for nearly an hour until I realized one detail that would’ve been very important to take note of a while ago; I’ve never been inside of a castle my whole life, and especially not this specific castle before. It was a pretty neat castle, pretty grand and pretty castle, but like a castle, it’s a maze. In other words, I am lost, and I need some help. So logically I looked out the window and started to wonder if being in a wonderful land of very racist ponies, magic, and sunshine is worth living in compared to my old life…

It’s been a week, but it felt like my old, human life was forever ago… Not really.

My old life, where I managed to graduate college a year early, started a business on the side while being a McDonald’s manager on the as my main hustle… I had full college degrees in body language and psychology and could easily get a nice job as a therapist and help people out. To help people feel a little better, instead of me being a shitty comedian, I would be a moderately okay therapist. And either way I went, comedy, or psychology, it would help people feel better. One was just more long term than the other…

Oh yeah! Living with a bunch of xenophobic horses means I don’t have any college debt!

“Fruit Punch? I thought you would still be asleep after your three day long all-nighter.” I turned to face Celestia. I waved and walked over to a nearby bench, which Celestia had followed me to, and also begun to sit on.

“I can’t sleep in even if I wanted to. I can sleep for eight hours and that’s it. Or rather, I wake up at eight or nine, no matter how much sleep I get the night before.”

“That sounds unhealthy.”

“Welcome to McDonalds, where we don’t close our doors even at five in the morning while running on three minutes of sleep!” I chuckled. “Anyways, why the heck are you here… other than the fact that you live here.”

Celestia raised a hoof to her chin. “Well, I was going to check in on you, and noticed that Luna seemed fairly happy to nap with her head on your back, and your head on the side of her stomach,” a small smirk grew on her face. It was barely noticeable, but there was a smirk. And a little sparkle in the eyes…

“You took a photo AND plan on giving it to the media, don’t you?”

Celestia nodded with a giggle, which was accompanied by a nicely hidden smirk behind a hoof.

“You’re lucky that that giggle was adorable. Or else I would, I repeat, would also feed the flames of that rumor just to take the piss out of your sister.”

Celestia began to blush a little.

“What? Does the Pretty Pony Princess like being called adorable?” The blush thickened in color a little bit more. “Haha! I cracked the Celestial egg!” I gave Celestia a sly little smirk. “Nice to know that I can woo the Princess of the Sun!”

“N-Now. I was going to refrain from giving this photo to the media out of respect for your privacy, but I definitely will be giving this to a local journalist to publish in their next article.” D’aw, Celly’s cheeks are kinda red now.

Not her ass, weirdos. I didn’t spank the Sun Goddess, did I?

“Good. I’ll kiss Luna in her sleep, so that you can take a photo of that, and make the rumors seem more true!”

Celestia’s ears perked all the way up. “You know what, Fruit Punch? I think you and I will get along very nicely.” The mare got up. “Do you want breakfast? I heard the kitchen is trying something called a ‘hash brown’, which is a fried potato patty of some sort.”

“I could go for breakfast right now, yeah. Thank you,” I bowed before following the princess. If I’m thinking what was just invented was invented, then I’m looking forward to breakfast-

Yep, these are hashbrowns and eggs. I wish I had bacon, so I could make a bacon egg sandwich with the hashbrowns as the buns, but unfortunately cows are sentient, can talk, and have their own societies. Like holy shit, that’s wild, and also saddening because now I can’t go and eat a steak, or I’ll be seen as a murderer…

I don’t even think- no, horses, and I guess ponies, can handle meat. It just won’t feel good on the way out. Boy would a nice hamburger be good on the way in though.

“Sister!” The door slammed open. Luna came rushing in before her eyes fell upon me. “There is thee! We have been searching for thee!”

“Why…?” I was lifted up in a dark blue aura.

“Because we demand to spend some time with ye! Something about the new way ponies go about courting each other.”

“H-hold it, what the fuck, Luna? You’re supposed to get to know me before you drag me off to a date that I haven’t even consented to. It’s been… what? A week since I became a pony; I’m not even sure I’ll be attracted to ponies. You’re pretty, Luna, you really are, but I mentally cannot think of you in a similar manner that I would with… a girlfriend.”

“B-but…”

“We can still hangout, I can be your friend if you want that, but I also gotta agree to wanting to hang out. Forcing somebody to do something against their will is a really solid way of making somebody not like you. Trust me, my parents tried forcing me to be a doctor, and I fucking hate them.”

Luna gave a small, hopeful little smile. “We… We would like to be your friend at the very least.”

“Cool… can I eat my breakfast and then be shown the door? I wanna explore Canterlot now that I’m not burying my nose in a book.”

Luna nodded before snatching one of my hashbrowns, a pineapple, and a mouthful of my eggs, before regally trotting out of the dining hall… That shithead took my god damn hash brown! Who cares about the rest of my breakfast, I want my fuckin’ hashbrowns, woman!

I stepped out of the castle and yawned. Man, the weather in Canterlot is really wonderful; way nicer than New York, where it was colder than Antarctica all day, everyday. Like the weather here is very warm, but not too hot, with a nice little breeze that wasn’t bone chilling, but refreshing. The severe lack of air pollution also helped make Canterlot look and feel good. Because now, I can take a deep breath in the morning and not lose an hour of my life in that one breath. Woohoo… Humanity is fucked. It’s a good thing I hopped ship when I did, so long idiots!

I tripped over a rock and fell over… Fucking karma.

I passed an ice cream shop, stopping, and thinking about if I should actually get myself a scoop or two. It’s… really good looking ice cream and I did just get paid. I also have that stimulus check on top of my paycheck, which I was told will be my last stimulus check since I have a job, and I do want some ice cream- holy shit, there’s a sugar cookie ice cream sandwich, and it’s huge… I need it. I want that in my mouth; it would be really tasty… Surely a sandwich of that caliber would be really expensive-

It’s only three bits? That’s barely even a half hour of work!

I’m going to deep throat that ice cream sandwich so fucking hard.

I walked in, walked up the counter, as there wasn’t a line, and greeted the pony at the counter. “Can I get a cookie ice cream sandwich?” I asked.

“Yep! Three bits!” I opened my coin purse, which was in my butt pocket(like it’s actually a part of my butt; it’s weird and cool), and paid. Moments later, I was given two sandwiches.

“Wa…?”

“It’s three bits for two sandwiches, and that’s just the cheapest thing on the menu!” the cashier clarified this situation with a smile. “Enjoy your ice cream!” Three… three bits for two sandwiches? They’re huge! Holy fucking shit, why the hell are ponies so god damn generous? First my boss, who I would die for, pays me a good amount of money(and daily with tips), and then ice cream is this cheap? Like fuck, I don’t miss humanity at all… so what if ponies are somehow more racist than humans?

I sank my teeth into one of my sandwiches on the way out. Okay yeah, there’s fucking crack in the cookies, because this is delightful… and addictive.

I took a bite out of my second cocaine sandwich and got a shiver. Oh my god… I am in heaven right now. I hummed a little tune.

“Mr. Sun came up and he smiled at me!” I sang in between bites. “Said it’s gonna be a good day, just wait and see!” I took another bite.

“I jumped out of bed, and I ran outside! Feeling so extra ecstatified!”

I started skipping along. “It’s the best day ever!”

Seven or eight ponies came out of nowhere. “It’s the best day ever!” Huh? Ponies are down to have musicals at random times? Y’know what? Hell yeah!

“It’s the best day ever!” The same eight ponies came out to harmonize with me. I kept on singing with my improv choir until I finished my sandwich.

After I had sufficiently harmonized my way down Canterlot Mane(get it?) Street, and an ice cream sandwich, I had managed to make it to the marketplace. Royal Guards stood by, happily waving and smiling at any passersby, while ponies went from stall to stall, or simply wandered around. The marketplace was just oozing with activity.

“Stop! thief!” A mare yelled out, as I ducked away from a stallion, who was wearing a ski mask, and had a purse in his mouth. Two guards, who were nearby, immediately began to sprint, only to stop. They stopped because I had tackled the thief and had wrestled him to the ground.

I pulled the stallion’s leg behind his back and started bending it. “Uncle! Uncle! I give up! C’mon dude, you’re breaking my leg!” Huh… I was just bullshitting a way to keep grown men from being a problem, and I’m not even sure if that works because I’ve only seen it done on T.V.

“Well… yeah, that’s the point; you did just rob a lady.” A unicorn ran up to me, a white one with a nice, curly mane. She stopped at the sight of me holding down a stallion that was nearly twice as thick as she was, and was panting.

I grabbed the bag, it was more like a purse, but I don’t know what else to call it other than a ‘bag’, with my hoof, holding it up to the mare. “Is this yours?” I asked.

“Yes! Yes it is! Thank you for stopping this thief! He would’ve gotten away with my money if it weren’t for… you…” Oh boy, her eyes looked up and down my body as her ears perked up. Oh well, according to Mama Celestia(new nickname for Celestia), I’m attractive. “My name is Rarity, I’m here on a little business trip… May I get the name of the handsome stallion-“

Rarity was interrupted by the robber screaming in pain.

“Name’s Fruit Punch. Yo guards, come get this guy so he’ll stop shouting!”

“Already on it, sir… Thank you for helping catch this crook; he’s been stirring quite a bit of trouble recently, robbing ponies in the marketplace and always getting away.”

I waved a hoof. “No need to thank me-“

“We had a small bounty on this particular fellow. Three hundred bits. Just come with us to the castle, and we can get you that bounty.” That's three days of work…

“I am one lucky son of a bitch.”

The guard smirked. “I didn’t know you were part dog.”

“You cheeky bitch,” I shot at the guard. Rarity gasped and the guard simply smirked.

“I didn’t know I had a son.”

I laughed. “I didn’t know I had a mom!” I waved to Rarity. “See ya around!” Rarity just stood their with her jaw slacked.

I sat in a little lobby, of course the guards wanted to make sure the thief I caught was locked up, before I got my money. That’s fair, honestly. It would kinda suck to pay me the bounty, only for the fucker the bounty was for to break out and steal the bounty. At least there were books, this one book named ‘Daring Do’ was pretty good… I would rather like to have a copy of Star Wars…

If only somepony would rewrite A New Hope and sell it. That would make millions of bits. I would do it, but that’s basically plagiarism, and I don’t want Disney hopping across time and space to kick my ass in a legal bout because I stole their beloved IP ‘Star Wars’. And a certain alicorn would also kick my ass for stealing their idea.

“Are you… Fruit Punch?” I looked up to see a white, unicorn stallion with a purple mane with two streaks, one white and the other a darker purple, had walked up to me. His cutie mark was that of a shield with little sparkles on and surrounding it. The guy was fucking ripped. It didn’t help that the guy was also two heads taller than I was.

Am I midget? Even Rarity from earlier was taller than I was.

“The one and only.”

“I gotta say, judging from what my guards were saying, I’d expect you to be a bit taller.”

“So I’m vertically challenged-“

“But you do seem quite fit… You wouldn’t happen to want a spot in the Royal Guard, right?”

“Nah. Got this burger place that I work for, and I would kill somebody for the store owner; he’s really cool.” Shining Armor sighed, looking a little disappointed.

“Alright,” I was given a small brown bag. “Here is your reward, and… thank you for catching that thief. Citizens like you, who are willing to be active, help keep the streets of Canterlot safe, and for that, on behalf of the Royal Guard, I, Shining Armor would like to thank you.”

I nodded dumbly before shaking hooves with the fella, and was shown the way out.

I happily trotted down the street, now three hundred bits richer, singing a silly little song. Sadly, nopony came by to harmonize with me, but that was whatever. For right now, I just wanted something nice and quiet, and I currently don't have my phone or headphones to listen to music. Typically, I like to have music on these long walks where I walk in a random direction without rhyme or reason.

But since I can’t have that today, or for the foreseeable future, I’m just gonna have to sing to myself and hope I remember the whole song. If I don’t, then I’ll cry.

Oh hey, chocolate rain… Wow, this place is cool!” I opened my mouth and that is the best chocolate milk I’ve ever had in my life. I hopped and skipped, having a jolly old time until a piano dropped and shattered into a million pieces right beside me. I screamed and started running at the sight of headless, feathered chickens, roaring and screaming as they gave chase. Even if they were pretty stupid, and were easy to shake off, this was kinda scary.

I’m just… gonna run in a random direction and find somewhere to hide.

Along the way, I caught sight of a unicorn mare, a rather slim legged, light blue colored, mare. I’m assuming a lady like this would be considered highly attractive. Anyways, she was huddled up in an alleyway, shaking in fear. I ran up to her, and shook her. The mare’s coat had seen better days, being incredibly dirty, and looked like it could use a little grooming.

“C’mon, let’s find somewhere safer than out on the streets!” The mare quickly nodded, I grabbed her hoof, and pulled her with me as we started up the street again. We ducked under a flying log, dodged a dancing light pole. We even dodged some used carriage salespony who was trying to get us to buy his broken carriage.

I didn't know how long we'd been running, and it didn't matter; we just had to keep moving or else we’ll get fucked, I found an alleyway with a dumpster to hide behind. I led the mare into the alleway and we quickly took refuge.

I felt my very being begin to warp and contort in strange ways, and I could hear my companion scream in agony as she likely began to suffer a similar fate to my own…

How… How long has it been? How long have I been out? What in the fresh, ever living fuck had just happened? First it was fine, with chocolate rain, and then it wasn’t so fine. Well, whatever the fuck that was, it’s over now. I sighed in relief, before noticing something wet started to soak the fur on my neck. I looked down to see the mare, stained with chocolate milk, ruining her coat, crying into my neck.

I felt a small urge to comfort the mare, laying a hoof on her shoulder, and began to rub it. “Rough day, huh?” I asked. The mare looked up at me, still crying.

“W-what even h-happened?” She asked.

“I’m not sure, honestly. One moment, I was getting paid for tackling a robber, and the next, it’s raining chocolate and chickens the size of a stallion!” I scratched the back of my head. “At least… The size of a stallion that isn’t a midget, like yours truly.” That got my huddle buddy to smile a bit.

“T-thank you.” She whispered, laying her head against my neck. “I just arrived in Canterlot to… this!” I patted her on the shoulder again. “I needed that, even if that was a cheap short joke, to clear my mind of what had just transpired today.”

That’s a big word that I can’t even spell.

“Well…” Would this sound weird? “You can stay with me for the time being. It’s getting late anyways, and I'm certain you wanna clean your pretty coat out, right?” The mare nodded. There was a slight blush in her cheeks after that; it’s something that normal stallions would use to flatter a lady they find attractive. I’m just trying to help calm this mare down.

“Thank you… Before we head to your home, can we stop by a marketplace so I can buy soap? I dropped my saddlebags when all that… chaos started happening.”

“Sure thing. C’mon, let’s go before Celestia decides to snort sugar and make the world go upside down agin… Can I get your name?”

“I’m… Crystal Clear, but you can just call me Crystal.”

“I’m Fruit Punch. I bowed and extended a hoof out towards the entrance of the alleyway. “After you, m’lady.”

“Ohoho, I didn’t know I would be escorted to a gentlecolt’s home!”

“Uh… are you sure this won’t be weird?” I asked.

You see, now I’m standing in the bathroom, with Crystal Clear, who was now preparing a bubble bath for herself.

‘Of course, not! You need a good wash too. Plus, it shouldn’t be that awkward, we’re naked all the time, aren’t we?” So you see, Crystal Clear proposed we both take a bath at the same time… I thought it was a bit weird, but Crystal’s reasoning did make sense; we were pretty much naked all the time, so I guess bathing together can’t be too weird. My tub has more than enough space to make sure neither of us touch each other in the touchy spots, so this should be fine.

Apparently public bathing is also a thing.

Once the bubble bath was ready, Crystal walked into the bathtub, and I did too. We both sat for a little bit, I helped Crystal with getting her back, and she helped me. For some reason, despite being a unicorn, she didn’t want to use her magic, which was fair. So we just rubbed each other’s backs for a little bit, and went back to scrubbing ourselves down.

Uh… I might’ve started massaging my new friend by accident, and now she’s asleep, in the bathtub, and using me as a pillow. I am deathly afraid to move, because Crystal snores like a kitten, and looks kinda cute while sleeping, so I kinda just sat in the tub with her until she woke up.

Author's Note

I guess I should clarify a few things about this Fruit Punch:

In this story, Fruit was a bit older before he got stuck in Equestria in this timeline(say... two years after graduating college. As such, is a much happier, more peaceful individual with a steady job.

Therefore, he acts a bit less like a drunk, angry, mentally ill college student. And because Fruit Punch isn’t drunk or high all the time, I’d like to think he’s more polite.

Obviously Fruit’s got a psychology degree in this timeline, but didn’t take improv classes, and most importantly:

He was a McDonalds manager before he got stuck in Equestria!

Sadly, Fruit might not wield bricks to vanquish his enemies in this story. Since that was a stupid gag.

I Might Not be Attracted to Ponies, But Bug Ponies Aren’t Off the Table
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Not So Funny Story

I Might Not be Attracted to Ponies, But Bug Ponies Aren’t Off the Table

Crystal and I were sitting at the dinner table, eating lunch that Crystal had prepared shortly after our three hour long bath. I gotta say, now that I wasn’t covered in chocolate milk, and had a nice bubble bath, I feel way better. My roommate looked very, very beautiful now that she also wasn’t covered head to hoof in chocolate milk, dirt, and mud. Man, whatever was in that soap must’ve been magical, because now the mare’s coat gleamed and shined in the sunlight that lit up the dining room. Crystal’s really pretty.

“This is pretty good!” I hummed, taking a sip of the tomato soup Crystal made, along with some marketplace bread(a match made in heaven).

“Thank you… I used to work in restaurants, mostly waiting tables, but I did lend a hoof or two in the kitchen. I’d like to think I’m competent at preparing a meal should the need ever arise…” Crystal gave me a smile that would make Satan’s heart melt. Seriously, this mare was just as adorable as she was beautiful. “Thank you for letting me stay here, I swear, I’ll find a job to help pay for the rent-”

“Don’t worry about it; the rent’s cheap as hell anyways. I mean, if you just wanna lounge about and make sure the house isn’t a mess by the end of the month, it’s fine by me.” I chuckled. “The Crown kinda… rented this house out to me for a bit a year. It’s not exactly an extravagant house, but it’s a cozy little one. So I don’t think we really need to pitch in together to make sure the rent gets paid each month”

Crystal raised an eyebrow. “I did not know that you had connections to Princess Celestia.”

“I accidentally fell on her sister from the third story of a building, yeah? Anyways, we’re best friends!” I let sarcasm roll into ‘best friends’, before chuckling again. “We actually get along pretty nicely, and I do hope we can actually be friends when I hangout with them some more. But yeah, I do know the Princesses, and they were nice enough to get me a nicely discounted apartment to live in.”

“Well then… I can make our meals and clean up every now and then,” Crystal said, taking a spoonful of soup.

“Anything you wanna do today? I’ve got a whole Saturday and Sunday off, and I’ve got no idea as to what to do today or tomorrow.”

“We could go play mini golf. I heard there’s quite a few good courses that we can try out.”

“Y’know what, I do like a good round of mini golf. Whoever loses buys drinks.”

Crystal grinned. “You’re on!”

I stepped onto the green, figuring out how the fuck I’m going to hit the ball with a golf club, when I… Okay, standing up on my hind legs isn’t too hard, I guess it’s just the thought of now being a quadruped, standing up and doing something so… human. Like it’s really fucking weird. Because I can’t really stand up straight for more than twenty seconds; my hooves are more than capable, but a pony’s back was not meant for standing upright for long periods of time.

I hit the ball, spun, and tripped and fell on my shoulder. “Fuck!” God, standing on your hindlegs is easy when you’re just standing, not while swinging a golf club though… I sat up, hoping I at least got a good swing, only to see the ball right next to the hole. What. The. Fuck. You. Stupid, Ball.

You stupid, little, white, sack of shit. I fell on my shoulder for that swing and you couldn’t be fucking bothered to get into the goddamn hole? At least be far from the hole so I know that I just suck! You stupid… Mmm, I fucking hate you.

“My turn!” Crystal took a swing, and because she probably stood on her hindlegs more than I have in the last week, Crystal didn’t fall flat on her face, and got a hole in one… Well, she would’ve if her ball didn’t hit mine, knocked my ball into the hole, and then bounced and rolled halfway back towards where we were standing.

“Horse Apples!”

“Ah damn, what a tragedy!” Crystal gave me a playful shove before taking her next shot. Crystal got the ball in the hole now that there wasn’t a golf ball in front of her ball’s line of sight.

On the next hole, Crystal got a hole in one, and gave me a peck on the cheek after I had cheered for it. What? A hole in one’s a hole in one! Anywho, I froze for a second, before widening my hind legs as I stood up on them. I took a swing and also got a hole in one, which got Crystal to give a playful groan. I still fell flat on my face(My side to side balance is awful apparently), but hey, I got a hole in one!

Man, if it weren’t for the fact that we had just met, you could mistake us for being out on a date. It was just me, and Crystal doing something together for fun. Fuck, Crystal even nuzzled me a couple times while we were playing.

We lost track of what time it was.

Crystal came walking over with two bottles of very expensive looking booze, having lost our game of mini golf by six points, and sighed. The bottles were suspended in an acid green aura, and so was her horn… That must be levitation if what I read on unicorns was accurate, which it should be. It was only ‘how the three tribes of ponies work for foals‘. The two bottles came down on the table with a slight thunk.

“I hate mini golf.”

“But you suggested that we play mini golf today!” I pointed out, taking one of the bottles as they were presented to me.

“I still hate mini golf. I’m telling you, those balls are magically enchanted to make sure I always mess up whenever I get a lead on points. No matter what I do, I always end up in last place even if I do well! I wouldn’t be surprised if the spell was specifically made for me, to make sure I can never even win a game of mini golf,” Crystal sighed before opening her bottle. “Oh well, I was hoping to lose anyways; you would’ve picked some really bad alcohol and ruined today with your terrible tastes.”

“Rude, I only don’t know what registers as good beer; I haven't really had a shot of whisky since my fifth college party, and that whisky was mixed into the punch.”

“You’ve only drank whisky?” I nodded.

“Yup, your tastes are terrible,” Crystal laughed when I took my first sip. My ears perked up on their own and I’m pretty sure my eyes widened. Holy shit that is good; it tastes like blueberry candy without the shitty taste of the alcohol… what the fuck? What is with everything in Equestria using cocaine in the recipes for literally anything? First ice cream and now beer? Fine by me; I don’t mind getting addicted to this shit. I took another swig.

“I take it that you like it?” Crystal asked with a sly grin.

“Okay, you pick the booze whenever we get some; your tastes are impeccable.”

“Well… I… may have had several lifetimes to acquire my tastes,” I heard Crystal mutter under her breath.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Crystal, are you hiding something from me?

“N-no…” Crystal’s eyes slowly drifted left.

“Yes you are.”

“F-fine… can we go home before I show you? I don’t want anypony to see my little secret.” Crystal’s ears flattened and she suddenly felt that the table was interesting to look at… Fuck. Her entire body cringed at that, and that is one of the few things that translated over from human body language to pony body language:

Crystal’s little secret was a really touchy subject for her.

“Y’know what? Let’s just forget about it for now. You can tell me later, but let’s just try to enjoy the rest of today. I’ve got a few places I wanna check out, mostly for window shopping, so let’s get going after we’ve had our drinks.” Crystal looked up and gave me a nod.

Hey! At least she’s smiling again!

Well, I’m just gonna leave Crystal with her secret, can’t really expect somebody I just met to share a secret that makes their entire body cringe up when asked about it. I kinda feel bad for picking up on Crystal whispering that ‘lifetimes’ bit to herself, because now she’s gonna know I know something is up. In fact, I’m angry with myself, since I don’t think Crystal is gonna be sticking around for very long now. And it’s a shame too, because she’s really fun to hang out with.

Anyways, we did some window shopping, I didn’t actually buy anything, but a couple of things caught Crystal’s eyes, such as a nice looking dress, everything on display in a jewelry store, and a couple of other things, such as a gourmet chocolate shop. In fact, Crystal made me wait outside for her as she got herself a box of chocolate.

It seemed to bring her mood all the way back up after I had accidentally pushed her about that little secret she wasn’t willing to share, so I was all waiting for Crystal to get some chocolate.

Eventually, we made it to the ‘Royal Garden Park’, which was actually on the opposite side of town from the castle, but it was pretty much a giant garden where ponies came and… did some garden work. There was a sign with a bunch of rules, and apparently, this is just where you can come, grow your own plants, and do it while talking to other contributors.

The only thing that wasn’t made by any citizens, as far as I could tell, was a corn maze.

“So… you want to do the corn maze?” Crystal asked as we stood outside of the aforementioned corn maze. It was honestly huge. A sign sat out on the path up to the maze that boasted a ‘an hour long maze with the instructions’, so I was willing to bet we would be spending the rest of the day in here. Or get stuck in here for a week and wonder why the fuck this was a good idea, and yell at each other over who’s idea it was to walk into the maze anyways.

“Yeah. Mazes are always pretty fun, and it’s been forever since I’ve been in a corn maze!”

“Are you ten?” Crystal asked in a teasing tone.

“Listen. Mazes are fun.”

“I know… I’m just pulling your leg.” Crystal giggled… Okay, that giggle, and this mare as a whole for that matter, are national treasures as declared by a pony with no political power at all. Like that was fucking adorable, and nobody can tell me otherwise… Crystal is probably one of the cutest things I have come across. Oh god, what would a foal look like? Oh fuck, I think I would want to keep one…

Wait, that would be kidnapping.

“Well, c’mon maze boy, let’s get this nightmare over with.”

“Hey now, it can’t be that bad. We only gotta make it to the center of the corn maze and then work our way back out from there! So really, it’s double the time!”

“What in the name of Celestia is wrong with you?”

It’s been roughly forty minutes, and we were in the center of the maze now, which held a very nice, small little garden that surrounded a fountain. In all honesty, this quaint little spot was worth the hike through the maze, and it hadn’t even taken me or Crystal very long to get through the maze. We used some of the time to chat, play a fun, insanely intense game of I spy.

Spoiler, most of what we could see was corn, so it was a neck and neck game.

Hell, the two of us had played tag together like a couple of children. And remember that giggle that was a national treasure? Crystal’s laugh was worth at least forty giggles, and… holy shit, I am falling for a pony. Sure, we've only just met, and I doubt that I can find Crystal physically attractive because of monkey brain, but Crystal was very fun to hang out with.

Crystal was laid back, sweet, and was very playful. Like, this mare was absolutely wonderful, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to go home, or see another human being again. In other words, if I do end up dating ponies, I will more than likely start dating Crystal! If she’d want to date me that is.

“Say Fruit?”

Crystal

Maybe now I should just tell Fruit about what I am. As far as I’m aware, nopony will be watching anyway, and it would be better in the long run. I can tell that Fruit likes me, and I do quite enjoy this delightful, cuddlesized stallion’s company quite a bit. And the best part? I didn’t even need to truly deceive Fruit! I have been acting how I usually do, and it worked!

“I want to tell you my secret now… promise you won’t tell a soul about what I am going to tell you?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die, for this secret won’t leave me until the day I die,” Fruit had drawn a cross on his chest with a hoof, before giving me his full attention. So, I did it, I began to let my disguise come undone as my body was wrapped in green fire… Usually by now, the stallion, that I have tried so hard to please and love, would've ran while Fruit Punch just stood his ground.

Once I had completely dropped my disguise, I spoke up. “I guess… I should say my actual name isn’t actually Crystal, my name is Chrysalis, Queen of the Southern Badlands Hive, and… your roommate. If you wish to run away screaming, you may-“

“Oh my fucking god…” Fruit started walking towards me. Is this it? Will a pony respond aggressively to my true self? Fruit Punch had reared up, like he was about to shove his front hooves into my chest…

Fruit Punch

I grabbed Crystal- I mean, Chrysalis’s face with both my hooves. Wow, that is an exoskeleton, a very smooth one at that. Oddly enough, Chrysalis was oddly soft despite the hard covering on her body. Now, instead of the light blue, creamy maned unicorn that I had come to know, stood what could only be described as a bug the size of a horse while having the body type of a horse.

The only caveat was that Chrysalis had fangs, a snake like tongue, and legs with holes in them…

Needless to say, Chrysalis was kinda adorable. So, like any logical man when faced with a thing that is clearly a predator, I started to rub said predator’s cheeks.

“You are the cutest thing I have ever seen.” Chrysalis began to blush, before she started purring as I started to massage her face. Chrysalis slowly started lowering to the ground until she was lying down, still purring, before her eyes shot open in slits. One moment, I was rubbing the bug, and then the next, I was being held in Crysta- I mean Chrysalis’s forelegs, and laying down with the… mare? Laying her head on top of mine. Needless to say, Chrysalis was pretty happy at the moment.

A wispy tail, the same color as the mane, was now laying in front of me, like a blanket that was supposed to cover me up, but was a bit too small to do so.

“Well, there is… my little secret. I’m surprised that you were so… receptive to it.” Chrysalis’s voice sounded a lot like Crystal’s voice, except nice and layered, with a very slight buzz to it. Not enough to be grating on the ears, but a pleasant one that wasn’t too overpowering. It sounded really cool, if not still kinda pretty like Crystal’s… God, here I was this morning, thinking I wouldn’t find ponies, or bug ponies for that matter, attractive, but I think I was falling for Chrysalis the whole time.

It’s probably just a stupid crush, it’ll pass.

“What can I say? You’re pretty adorable like this,” I gestured to all of her. “And still the same Crystal I spent most of the day getting to know, right? Just different names and a disguise, right?” Chrysalis nodded.

“Despite what my kind is used to doing, my acting skills are… not the best to say the least.”

“That just means I don’t find a reason to really fear or hate you.”

“You are… a strange pony. Any sensible pony would’ve ran screaming to Celestia about how a ‘scary monster’ appeared out of nowhere,” Chrysalis said, reverting back into ‘Crystal’.

“Well… I’m not exactly a pony.”

“But… how could a drone…”

“I’m not a changeling either. I’m certain a ‘drone’ wouldn’t just squish a Queen’s face and squeal about how cute you are. Anyways, I'm actually a human, a thing from another universe. It’s pretty cool, I walked out of my house one day, woke up laying on top of Princess Luna, and the next thing I know, I’m trying my damn best to fit into pony society. I kinda suck at it, since I can’t wrap my head around ‘everypony’ or ‘anypony’, and there are a few things I don’t know yet.”

“Wait… humans are real?” Chrysalis asked.

“Yuh, only in a separate universe that may or may not be accessible.”

“And… you haven’t noticed what I was doing to you during our round of mini golf?”

“I thought you were saying you were comfortable with me; you see me as a friend.” Crystal quickly nodded.

“Let’s… just go with that for now.” Crystal stood up, brushing some grass out of her coat. “Now come on, we’re going home, and I want you to give me a nice, long face rub; it felt really nice.” I nodded dumbly before getting up to follow my bug friend in disguise.

Author's Note

obvious Chryssy is obviously Chryssy.

Anyways, I wanted to get Chrysalis in here nice and early and have an idea already in mind for the bug mom.

Also despite Fruit’s three day long study session, he somehow missed the fact that he was being hit on during all of mini gold.

Luna and I Chat After Work
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Not So Funny Story

Luna and I Chat After Work

The smell of hayburgers filled the kitchen as I quickly worked through another six orders. An hour before the lunch rush, I had come to work, set my station up, and went at it the moment ponies started filling tables. I have now realized that I actually enjoy working in fast food, but I hate dealing with angry, assoholic bitch customers. Like whenever a pony got a wrong sandwich, which was rare, they walked up to the counter and pointed out what was wrong. Then the pony in question get a second sandwich and they’re happy.

That… actually makes me wonder if spending all that time getting a degree in psychology is worth it. I mean, I can make people happy by just giving them food that they enjoy, as cheap as said food was, then I was happy. Granted, it wasn’t the type of people that I thought I would be making happy, but they’re still people. I threw together another hayburger, but without pickles… I know, an insanely complex sandwich. Just the patty, meat, cheese, lettuce… hay? But isn't the patty made of hay already? You know, I never really paid much thought to it, but why would you put hay on a hayburger?

Oh well, I barely eat hayburgers, so it wasn’t my problem.

“Hey Fruit,” I looked up from my station, now that all my orders were done, to face a colt. I think this kiddo was in what would be the equivalent of sophomore year back at home. Flipper, or just Flip as he likes to go by, was a unicorn with a dark gray coat, a black mane, and a cutie mark with a chef’s hat on it. This was the grill pony we had on shift today, and he was a good kid from what I could gather. I dunno, whenever I’m here, I get so engrossed in putting orders together that I haven’t really paid attention to what was happening with my coworkers.

“Yeah Flip?” I asked as an order was handed to me, and was promptly done within thirty seconds, all five sandwiches.

“You’re a unicorn…” Flip said, moving some of the hay patties to a holding grill to keep them warm.

“Yeah…”

“Why aren’t you using your magic to make sandwiches? I bet I could be faster than you if I were taught how to make sandwiches, since I’d be using my magic. In fact, let me make the next order!” I shrugged, and walked over to the grill, taking the spatula and scraping the excess hay that stuck to the grill’s surface. An order was handed to Flip, and he started to make a sandwich on said order. If the kid wants to show that he’s better than I am, let him. It’s good to give somebody- somepony this young a bit of confidence.

“See? I can be fast!” Flip said with a cocky smile as he got one sandwich done in about forty to fifty seconds.

“Eh, not too shabby, Flip. But lemme tell you why I don’t use magic to make sandwiches.” We swapped back positions as another order came in, a nice, big one with twelve sandwiches on it. “I’m gonna need some more patties by the way,” Flip smirked, pointing at the grill with a hoof. There were already pattes on it. “Nice. Anyways, I don’t use magic because it was never really my strong suit, in fact, I don’t think I’ve managed to learn how to even use it to begin with. Just couldn’t wrap my head around the stuff, so I just focused on hoof dexterity.” I got all twelve sandwiches done in a minute with my hooves to prove my point.

“Plus at my old job…” I hummed. “I used to pretty much work in an environment like this for nearly ten years. Never had to use magic once during any of those ten years, which really helped with hoof dexterity.”

Flip snickered. “So ‘you can’t use magic’ is what you’re saying.”

“Pretty much. Never found an interest in it.” Honestly, I didn’t see the point. If I got good enough with my hooves, which I’d like to think I’m getting the hang of, I can probably be just about as good as a unicorn with magic. Plus, I can just learn how to use magic later, and then be more versatile should the situation arise.

“Hey, no shame in that. I just think you could go much faster…” An order was handed to me and we both read it. Thirty meals, thirty meals for a company lunch. “If you used magic,” Flip said, looking up to see that I already had half the hayburgers done by the time he was done reading the order. “Fruit, what the buck is wrong with you? You’re going faster than our last sandwich pony, and they were a unicorn that used their magic!”

“Remember when I said I worked in an environment like this for the last ten years?” Flip nodded. “I was a manager for nine of those. On top of that, imagine this order, but constantly. Like every other order is… forty bits each, seven to twelve sandwiches constantly, for just the breakfast rush. If there is one skill I’ve managed to pick up during my time, it’s making orders like this very quickly.”

“You gotta teach me how to… you’re making six sandwiches. All at once.”

“Just a tip for when we actually teach you this station: if you see one or more sandwiches that are the exact same, make both at once. For instance, a double with only ketchup… and another!” I pulled out top sets of buns, and slathered the inside of the top buns with ketchup before promptly finishing them.”

“I… never would’ve thought about that. Not even Mr. Mint thought of that! You gotta teach me how to work with my hooves like you do!”

“Uh… trade secret?” I asked with a small smirk. Hooves, despite not having fingers or thumbs, really weren’t too different from using hands. “But seriously, all you gotta do is work something like this,” I had finished up the company meal order. “For a long time. Practice makes perfect… Even Princess Celestia had to start somewhere when it comes to how… smart she is. When I first started ten years ago, I was terrible at this job. A few months of constantly doing it, and I was way better.”

“Aw c’mon! That’s a lame explanation.”

“Accurate my explanation is. To be perfect, practice one- son of a… buck.” I dropped one of the sandwiches for the thirty sandwich order. I opened the wrap, looked it over, before chucking it in the trash. “And even with lots of practice, you can still screw up.” I quickly remade the sandwich before handing it to Mr. Mint to bag up.

“You still gotta admit it, Fruit, you’re still damn good at your job,” Mr. Mint said before quickly bagging all thirty meals. “Good hustle guys, that dinner rush went over very smoothly! Y’all are good to go…” The doorbell rang as… Luna of all ponies walked into the building.

“Forgive us- me for coming at such a late hour, but we were hoping to speak to Fruit Punch?” Luna cocked her head. Ah, she’s learning how to speak modern Ponish… or English.

I waved at Luna before going in the back to retrieve my jacket and hat.

I could’ve sworn I’ve seen Flip was watching Luna’s flanks as she led me out the building. That’s right kiddo, I see you.

“So, why did you want to speak with me?” I asked, now wearing a simple baseball cap and very light jacket. Luna was walking beside me, leading me to the castle… I think. I wasn’t exactly paying attention to where we were going.

“We- I was hoping to spend time with th-you tonight. You said we can still hang out and be friends. And we were hoping to spend some time with thee.”

As we walked, an awkward silence overtook the atmosphere. It was getting kinda late, and the Sun was beginning to set. Luna stopped and floated up to the sky as her horn lit up… as the moon, surrounded in the same blue aura that engulfed Luna’s horn, came into the sky at its apex, before coming to a stop. I stared at it for a couple of minutes, blinked, and then turned to Luna who was now grinning like an idiot.

“What? We were not called the Princess of Night without reason, Fruit Punch.”

“So I’m just gonna assume that Celestia, Princess of Day, or whatever fancy title she has, is capable of raising and lowering the Sun.” I cocked my head before sighing. “Honestly, I wish I was more surprised, but given that this is a land full of magical ponies that can apparently move clouds, teleport, and whatever the hell else, I’m not surprised. It’s weird to know that the day and night cycle are controlled by two alicorns, but I…” I want to drink some beer. I wanna forget all of this.

Chrysalis bought a whole case of that blueberry beer and I don’t have work tomorrow…

Surprisingly, instead of leading me to the castle, Luna had led us just outside of Canterlot, crossing over a bridge that was right next to a great waterfall… Holy shit that view. Off in the distance I could see a small little town. I don't know the name of said town, but it looked really nice and cozy. Now that the night sky was out, I was immediately taken aback at just how wondrous it was. Back at… home, or New York City, you really couldn’t see any stars since they were blotted out by city lights.

This was beautiful. I trotted away from the path we were walking down, and plopped my ass right in the grass and looked up at the sky. Considering how loud New York was, and even Canterlot to an extent, some peace and quiet is always welcomed. I watched as stars twinkled and shined, as a full moon shone nice and bright, but nowhere near as bright as the Sun. It was welcoming to say the least.

A soft breeze rushed past me, ruffling my mane, as I realized that Luna was sitting beside me.

“Quite the night, is it not?” Luna asked.

“Oh yeah… Sometimes I wish I could just leave home and sit out in a field like we are right now. I never really got the chance because of my work taking so much of my time.”

“Does… do tho-you miss thy home?” Luna asked.

“Kinda. Having hands was pretty nice, the technology humanity has makes anything you ponies have look like stone age equipment. Did you know that we humans have invented a box that can quickly heat food up? It’s called a microwave… it was really all I knew how to use beyond an oven. There are some other things, like my coworkers, or rather, my employees… Sure, there were times where I wished I wasn’t working in such a dead end job, but I was well off so I didn’t complain.

“And of course, when given an opportunity to start over and choose a not so dead end job, I end up choosing a job that is almost exactly the same as my old one. Except now I’m a horse with a horn with magic I don’t know how to use, or want to understand, or else I'll be a freak that sits and reads magic books all day. I’m pretty much living the same life I was living back at home, but with way more free time. It’s kinda lonely to say the least, since I can still barely talk to anybody without fearing that I might somehow offend them due to slight differences in pony and human psychology.”

Luna nodded, before turning to stare off into the distance.

“We can… somewhat understand how you feel. Everything, language, culture, even simple things such as choosing a mate differs from what it was like a thousand years ago. We… Have you heard of what we did? Of the awful things we did?” I shook my head.

“We… tried to overthrow our sister, to try and kill her, because of several cults trying to demonize me at every chance they get. From how my night was to my constant attempts at trying to bring the world into chaos, to something small such as a pony stubbing their hoof on a dresser. No matter how minor one's misfortune was, it was my fault. Then one day I snapped and… got banished to the Moon before I could cause any serious damage!”

Luna sighed before looking at me. “And everypony still gives me side eyes. Like I’ll turn and try to stab my sister in the back. Even if Celestia has welcomed me back with her wings held open for me.”

I placed a hoof on the Princess’s shoulder. “Y’know, some ponies could be giving you the side eye. Tell me, how common is it for homosexual relationships amongst you ponies?”

“It is fairly common. Especially amongst females; even now there is a higher number of females than males. Polygamy is quite common, where a stallion marries more than one mare. Or if an entirely female couple wants foals, they seek out a stallion friend of theirs.”

“So some ponies could be checking you out, both stallions and mares. I cannot say what is considered attractive amongst y’all equines, but… I’m certain just about everybody in this country considers Celestia to be, sorry for my lack of better words, incredibly sexy?” Luna nodded. “So who’s to say you’re just as, if not more attractive? Heck, you probably got a leg up in that department over Celestia. You’ve gotta have that ‘dark and mysterious’ thing going for you due to how long you’ve been banished… And how long you’ve been isolating yourself from the public.”

“But-“

“I saw how my coworker, Flip, was staring at you when you walked in Hayburger. That kid was checking you out, and I’m certain he grew up with whatever folklore sprouted up around you and… your fall to the dark side. And even then he still probably thought you were pretty as hell at a minimum.” I gestured to all of her. “Get it? Because your fur’s a dark tone and you’re the Princess of the Night- nevermind. My point is, not everybody is gonna like you, but I doubt that they all absolutely hate you. In time, I’m certain everybody will love you just as much as they love Celestia.”

We both sat in silence, just staring out at the night sky.

“Fruit?” I turned to Luna. “Thank you.” Luna, despite being two heads taller than I at full height, leaned up against me. Jesus, alicorns are fucking heavy!

I had finally noticed something about Luna’s speech. “Huh. You dropped the whole Royal speech.”

“I… do it to annoy Celestia with how long it’s supposedly taking me to adjust my language into a more modern form. And I have heard it would annoy her student, or at the very least, confuse Twilight Sparkle. And… sometimes I still use it while speaking to my subjects.”

“Lemme guess, you drop it while speaking with friends?” Luna nodded. A small smile grew on my face. Honestly, with how much Luna and I have in common, mainly knowing what it's like to be dropped in a… seemingly alien world. While the circumstances for having those feelings are different, it’s still the same feeling.

There’s a bit of comradery in that.

“You must be tired! I’m sorry for keeping you from your home for so long!” Luna shot to her hooves. “Goodnight Fruit, I look forward to our next talk.” Luna spread her wings and took off. I blinked a couple of times, since just before Luna made her great escape, she nuzzled me and disappeared. Y’know what?

Luna’s quite alright despite her first impressions on me, which was a forced mating session that almost happened if Celestia wasn’t present.

I slowly opened my house’s door, before quickly walking inside, hoping to not wake Chrysalis. I’ve yet to make so much as a squeak as I walked over to the ice box to quickly- a candle suddenly lit up on its own. Nope, nevermind, Chrysalis was sitting on the couch, tapping the couch’s arm with a hoof with a ‘gotcha’ expression on her face.

“Why were you so late getting home? Your house is a half hour walk from home, and you said you were off shortly after six. It is currently eleven at night, Mr. Fruit.” Chrysalis, in her natural buggy form, hopped off the couch and slowly crept towards me. The look in her eyes was similar to that of a dog that had just caught sight of a squirrel.

“Uh… somebody wanted to speak with me?”

“Who was this somepony?”

“Luna.” I could hear Chrysalis stopped, now within an inch of my face. I am dead. I am simply going to die. The loom Chrysalis was giving me was kinda scary-

“I’m just glad you made it home safely,” Chrysalis nuzzled me on the forehead, before walking to my side. “Come now, I have prepared something called a ‘walking taco’ for your dinner. Then you are to go to sleep just in case you have work tomorrow.”

“But I don’t-“

“Then you’re still going to sleep, because a creature as lovely as I, cannot look her best without her beauty sleep! And I cannot sleep if you’re awake and making noise!”

Chrysalis had then promptly picked me up in her magic and skipped along to the dining room table where two plates of walking tacos were sitting. There was a nice bouquet of flowers sitting in a vase in the middle of the table. Lastly, there were two wine cups and a bottle of the blueberry booze sitting next to the vase.

Chrysalis

Come on, Fruit. This is the most obvious ‘let’s date’ set up I could come up with. You should surely know that, by now, I want to have you as my coltfriend-

“Those are some nice flowers.” Fruit noted before sitting at the table, waiting for me to join him for dinner. Did he actually know what was going on or… Fruit took a bite of his food after I had taken mine.

“So, why did Princess Luna wish to speak with you?” I asked.

“Luna wanted to vent her frustrations. So I let her vent, and I talked her through some of her problems in hopes that I could help that woman out. Everyone deserves to be happy… somebody finds happiness in being a murderer, they don’t get to have happiness at that point.”

Luna best stay away from this stallion; he’s going to be mine.

Fruit took a sip of the rum I had bought for occasions like this, only to belch as loudly as possible. I… don’t think Fruit gets what this setup was trying to lay out for him, since Fruit basically fell asleep in his chair after eating his food.

You cute little idiot… I love you.

I carried Fruit to bed and curled my body around him in a protective manner. Nopony, and no creature shall bring harm to this stallion under my watch.

Author's Note

Very important news:

Next chapter, Fruit will sell pizza, and he will get rich off it.

Selling Pizza is Stressful
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Not So Funny Story

Selling Pizza is Stressful

Ah, a day off, something that I’ve been getting pretty often. Despite working in a fast food place full time, which is only twenty five hours in Equestria, I always seemed to get weekends off. So, after waking up, a quick breakfast made by Chrysalis, and a hop and a skip outside, and I was sitting under a tree and reading a book. Since I’m gonna be stuck in Equestria(I think I will, Celestia has yet to speak with me about that, so I'm probably stuck here) I might as well brush up on some history.

So instead of going to school, I found a book in a bookstore about Equestrian history. It was pretty interesting to say the least. For instance, Celestia and Luna have apparently ruled over Equestria for thousands of years, and possibly longer; the two of them were older than most calendar systems. The most recent calendar system being two thousand years ago… holy shit.

I cannot imagine being alive for that long. Like holy… One lifetime is long enough for me, thank you. While eighty to ninety years is a raindrop in the oceans of time, that’s still a lot of time for a living being that’s capable of complex thoughts beyond ‘I am here and I do a thing to keep being here’. And that is more than enough time for me to leave the Earth a better place than when I found it.

Or Equus, as this planet was called. God, I am not going to get used to that at all.

There was this thing called ‘pre-unification’ that sounded really interesting. It was a time when unicorns, earth ponies, and pegasi hated each other. It all seemed cool, but there was little to no information on it in this book. I’ll just find a book about it hopefully, or ask Celestia and Luna about it. Because I’m sure that Celestia sees me as a friend when I’ve barely managed to spend time with her. Same with Luna, and it’s a shame really, I want to be friends with them, but I’ve got no idea if they’ll want to be friends with me.

I am just another pony in the sea of drones. There’s nothing special about me.

Wow, I sat here for way too long without reading. I closed my book and put it in a saddlebag I had bought recently. It was probably… noon by now, and I’m famished. Now, I could go home and ask Chrysalis if she could whip something together, but Chrysalis said she was making dinner tonight and that it would take most of the day to cook. So… Pizza. Pizza sounds delicious right now.

I walked out of a pizzeria with a satisfied smile on my face. I hadn’t checked what was inside the pizza box I was given, which was kinda small, but I did order a personal pizza. I trotted along, looking for a good spot to sit and eat. You see, Canterlot seemed to have several outdoor food courts, all of which had restaurants with stuff that sounded delicious.

Deep fried daisies sounded weird. But I suppose ponies can actually stomach flowers without dying, so perhaps it actually tasted really good. I wouldn’t know since I more than likely won’t buy any of them.

One place even had tacos, but my brain has been craving a plain cheese pizza, and this was it!

I sat down at a table and opened up the box to be… what the fuck? This wasn’t pizza! That’s just bread with cheese, that isn’t even melted, without any sauce! There wasn’t even a shape to it, it was a fucking blob of dough and cheese! What the- okay, maybe it tastes good. I took a bite out of the pizza and hummed. Okay, this is good, really tasty. The cheese and bread were of high quality, but this wasn’t pizza. I ate the rest of it, hopped up, chucked my trash in a trashcan, and ran to do some research.

Okay so, as it turns out, the usual New York Style pizza that I grew up with, just doesn’t exist. In fact, what I ate earlier was pretty much the gold standard for pizza in Equestria judging by this cookbook I found in a library; like really expensive pizza that didn’t have sauce, or was even cooked by the looks of things. In fact, this cookbook advertised this recipe as ‘better than Mama Pons’, the restaurant I got my pizza from.

I put the book I borrowed back onto the right spot on the shelf, and trotted out the doors to the library.

I’m going to introduce ponies to New York Style Pizza. You see, my grandpa once ran a pizza shop long before he passed away. Best pizza ever by the way, and on top of that, I used to help out on occasion and even threw pizzas together before my grandpa threw them in the oven to be made. I know a thing or two about proper pizza, and I think I still remember a thing or two when it comes to pizza cooking.

I walked into a grocery store to buy the ingredients needed.

I set up a food cart that I had managed to rent, which had a built-in, portal oven in a food court and put up a ‘coming soon’ sign. I had quickly thrown together a vegetarian pizza and stuck it in the oven and waited. Meanwhile, I made more pizzas, plain pizza, anything that didn’t have meat or pineapple on it(pineapple on pizza is a sin. Fight me, you won’t), and set a timer for every pizza in the portable oven.

There were three pizzas in the oven.

I took down the ‘coming soon’ signs and put up a ‘free samples’ sign. It usually would cost three bits a slice, which there were ten slices a pie, and cost about eighteen bits to make a whole pizza. I needed to profit somehow, but for free samples, I would be giving ponies half slices. Now three bits a slice wasn’t too bad when a full pizza was only twenty-four bits to buy a whole pie.

I even made pizza boxes for those who wanted full pies.

Immediately, somebody, a unicorn mare, walked up to my stand and sniffed at the pizzas that were sitting behind glass and a warmer. “Those smell funny,” the mare commented. The mare was a unicorn, with cream colored fur, and a reddish mane that was pretty long, with a purple streak running through it, but a little curley. Sitting on her head was a light brown sun hat that nicely complimented the rest of the mare’s colours.

And she was wearing glasses, that was oddly adorable.

“I’m giving out free samples, trust me, this is a new style of pizza that I’m trying to popularize.”

“Well… I do like pizza, so if somepony is trying something new with it, I’ll try a slice.” I handed the mare a half slice, with a spatula, on a plate. The mare’s eyes widened. “That is a generous portion for a free sample.”

“Three bits and you get a slice double the size of that.” The mare’s eyes got even wider.

“That… sounds like too good of a deal to be true, something about this has to be wrong.” The mare said, holding the olate with her magic. Without another word, the mare took a bite and her eyes widened. As she pulled the slice away, the perfectly melted cheese began to pull away, giving a nice stringing look as the mare pulled her head back from the slice. I offered some napkins, and the mare happily took some and wiped her lips.

“That… is delicious. What in the name of Celestia? It smells so strange, yet tastes so good!” The mare quickly scarfed the rest of the pizza slice. “Three bits… for a whole slice?”

“And even better! You can buy a freshly made, full pizza for just twenty four bits, so it’s perfect for parties!” The mare pulled out twenty four bits exactly. “Do… You make custom pizza?” I nodded. “Can I buy a full pizza with green peppers, olives and… what do you recommend personally?”

“Honestly, olives and green peppers are a tried and true combination on pizza… My personal tastes are… a bit unsavory for ponies. So my personal recommendations might sound disgusting.”

“It can’t be!”

“I like to put meat on my pizza.”

“Okay, that sounds gross,” the mare agreed.

I quickly threw together the requested pizza, and stuck it in the oven. “Your pizza will be ready in about twenty minutes. Twenty five if you want a crispier crust… which I would fully recommend; it’s nice and crunchier! Heck, the cheese gets even meltier!”

“I’ll wait the full twenty five minutes!” The mare said.

“Cool, give me a name for the order and I’ll call it once your order’s done!”

“My name is Moon Dancer!”

“Moon Dancer!” I put the pizza, now fully made, into a pizza box, and wrote something on a sticky note. The unicorn’s ears perked up before she trotted over from her seat in the food court. While Moon Dancer’s pizza was cooking, several other ponies walked over and got free samples and gave similar reactions to Moon Dancer.

Almost all of them bought a slice after having their free sample.

Though it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, a few ponies said my pizza was awful. But that’s fine because that’s how it is back at home. Either you love pizza, or you hate it. Or you just eat it if it’s there and you need the calories. Eitherway, I didn’t mind, since people had their tastes… Even if it makes me a little sad every time somebody says my pizza sucks.

A common comment was that my pizza smelled funny because of the sauce I put on the pizza.

“On the sticky note are some reheating instructions, just in case you got some pizza left over.”

“Thank you!” I waved to Moon Dancer as she walked off with her food. Looked in my register for a moment and smiled; I already made enough to pay off for the food cart I rented, and I could probably buy it! I think I just found my side job. A small smile formed on my face as I looked up from my cart… to see a line. A long line.

The line was for my cart… I don’t think I even have enough ingredients for everybody! I popped three pies out of the oven, before getting to work.

I am stressed the fuck out. There are so many ponies, so fucking many of them, and they were all staring at me. I only have enough ingredients for one more pizza, which is in the only and only about a third of every pizza. Oh god, what the fuck. Yes, I am used to working fast, but like, I usually worked behind a wall while spewing burgers out at a record speed. Right now, I have to face whoever the hell I am serving while working. It’s getting to the point where I think I might just have a heart attack because of how stressed out I am.

Why did I have to be successful on my first day of pizza selling?

I scrambled to quickly cut the last pizza up after it was done cooking, taking bits from customers, and giving them what they paid for. Before I knew it, I was down half the pizza in minutes, and my mane was drenched in my own sweat. I took a deep breath, closing my eyes before reeling back and letting out a sigh as I was down to two slices. On the brightside, I have introduced ponies to pizza at the cost of my mood. And then it was done, I was out of pizza, with no toppings, no cheese, I was even out of pizza sauce I had made from scratch. I let out a sigh of relief, only to watch everybody who couldn’t get a slice sigh in disappointment before going off to one of the other restaurants in the plaza.

I couldn’t take the look of disappointment on those ponies faces, so I walked around my cart, and went to a table. I sat down and rustled my mane as I kept my eyes on the table. Sweet, holy mother of god, what the darn diddly fuck. I’ve yet to even see if I made a profit or not, and I don’t know or care at this point. If I made enough to pay off the fact that I had just rented a food cart, and bought a hundred bits worth of ingredients, then I’m happy and likely not doing this again.

Not without something to block my line of sight from the customers at least.

I need something to calm the nerves; some tea will have to do. I fucking hate tea, but I just need to relax and get my heartrate to a normal level.

I walked back over to my cart and opened up my register and began to count my bits. I knew what my expenses were, the cart was thirty bits, the paper plates were about ten(I still have a good amount of paper plates), and all the ingredients for the pizza were roughly fifty bits. So basically, if I had just made a hundred bits today, then I'd be happy. I stopped after reaching the last bit, now it was my turn to be shocked,

I had made nearly five hundred and fifty bits. Five hundred bits in a fucking day, and about ninety bits was going back into paying for everything I bought to do this. Holy shit. This is a good side hustle; it’s more than what I make working at Hayburger with tips, almost double! Okay… maybe I will do this again, but maybe with somebody to help me. Or maybe just buy more ingredients so I won’t get so stressed out. I definitely won’t get stressed if I have enough to make everybody a slice.

“Fruit?” I looked up from my pizza cart to see… Why is Princess Celestia here? I was in the middle of cleaning up the cart before I had to return it by the end of the day, and the literal Pony Sun Goddess was standing in front of my cart. You know, just a casual Princess standing at my cart like a normal customer. It was shortly after three in the afternoon and I was closing up shop before dinner rush.

I severely underestimated how much pizza I would’ve sold today. I only had enough for ten or eleven pizzas; eighty to eighty eight slices in total.

“Hey Celestia,” I bowed my head before turning my focus back onto cleaning.

“Why were you selling pizza? I thought you’ve already found a job you were happy with.”

“Oh I did, and doing this stressed me the fuck out, but apparently ponies like proper pizza. Not that cheesy bread shit. I’ve yet to have anything to calm myself down, but that’s nothing a few breathing tricks couldn’t help with.”

“If you would like, you can come with me to the castle, and we can chat over tea.”

“Sure, I’ll share a cup of sugar with some tea in it for you, Princess.” That got Celestia to grin. “Lemme clean this real quick and return it before I forget though.”

“I believe I can lend a hoof,” the Princess said before her horn lit up… and my cart was as good as new. Huh. Perhaps magic wouldn’t be too bad to learn. “Now let us return your food cart to your renter, and head down to the castle.

I reclined back into the chair I was sitting in after taking a sip of tea.

“Oh yeah, that’s what I needed!” I finally felt relaxed for the first time in the last two hours.

“I suppose running a business would take a lot out of you, wouldn’t it, Mr. Fruit?”

“Just call me Fruit,” I corrected before taking another sip. “But it wasn’t just running a business that was stressful. Making pizzas is always fun, it’s just the line of ponies coming in and expecting something. Every single pony in that line looked so excited to try something new, they were expecting something out of me, and I simply couldn’t provide what they were expecting because I didn’t have enough to give them all something. And I felt not only stressed because of how many eyes were on me, but awful because I was wasting quite a few ponies’ time.” I punctuated myself with another sip of tea.

“I think you might just have stage fright and anxiety. It is good that you wish to provide for your customers, but you need to remember that you are one pony. You cannot provide for every single one of them.”

“Easy for you to say, your highness, but you pretty much ran a whole kingdom on your own-”

“With a lot of delegation Mr. Fruit. Sometimes, asking for help is the bravest thing a pony can do; you can admit that you need help and are willing to accept help.” Celestia cleared her throat, and only then did I notice the bags under her eyes. “I have been working hard with several magic theorists, seeing if we can find a way for you to return to your home. Unfortunately not only would conjuring a spell to do so be difficult, but so would finding the exact universe you are from… or in other words, I doubt you’ll be able to go home at all. Nopony that I know of could come up with such a spell, let alone such an accurate one at that.”

Celestia’s wings drooped a little, and I caught her gazing at the table. So I logically hopped out of my seat, sat next to Celestia and started rubbing her back. The Sun Princess jumped at the sudden touch, before allowing me to keep rubbing her back.

“It’s not too big of a deal, your highness.”

“But don’t you wish to go home?” Celestia asked, looking down at me.

“I did, but honestly, I would just go back to the same miserable life of working in fast food while hoping I can actually become a therapist without ever becoming one. I can very easily retire in Equestria after working for forty years, but back on Earth, I wouldn’t even be able to think of that. Heck, I don’t even own my own house, I have to live in a dinky little apartment and still only just manage to scrape by. And while I am renting a house from you, you filthy scammer,” I poked Celestia’s rig cage, which made her giggle, before continuing. “I can probably buy a house somewhere if I knew where to look.” I paused for a second.

“But seriously, thank you for the insanely generous rental offer. A bit a year is… insane to think about.” A smile formed on Celestia’s face. “Plus I probably shoulda found the time to tell you that I am actually… content with life now. I’ve got a roommate who’s lovely to hang out with, I got a job that I like with a potential side business on the way, so I’m pretty okay with staying in Equestria.”

“Auntie Celestia? Are you in here?” Mine and Celestia’s attention snapped to a pink alicorn. She had a similar physique to Luna, though a bit shorter. The main thing that stood out was the mane, mostly due to how… not physics defying it is. Yellowish green, dark pink, and purple made up the colors of the mane, but it wasn’t flowing like Celestia’s. In all honesty, this alicorn was really pretty, yet a little more understated than her aunts if what she’d just said is anything to go by.

This alicorn looked more approachable.

“Ah Cadance, how is planning the wedding going?” Celestia asked. What wedding?

“It’s going…” Cadance’s eyes fell on me. I waved before going back to my tea. “Well. Who are you talking with?” The princess then started to smirk. “A potential lover, Auntie? If so, not only is it about time, but I see you’ve chosen quite the handsome fellow to become your next husband!”

“What the?”

“Fruit Punch,” Celestia went on, ignoring her niece’s teasing. “This is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, the Princess of Love. Cadence, this is… a friend of mine, Fruit Punch.”

“Aw, we hung out once and we’re just friends?” I asked. “I thought I was hitting first base today, but I’ll try again later!”

“Fruit, you insufferable little pony.” Celestia facehoofed.

“Psst.” Cadance whispered to me: “Her ribs are ticklish.” Now when presented with the opportunity to tickle a goddess, what must you do? I grinned before rubbing Celestia’s rib cage, and the alicorn began to squirm, but made no effort to move me.

“This is an attempted m-murder! C-cease this tort-torturous practice at once!” Celestia laughed. A small grin plastered itself on Cadance’s face as I kept tickling her aunt. Hearing Celestia laugh was kinda nice to hear, not gonna lie. I might do this again at some point, it’d be a chance to hang out with this lovely pony, and it’s fun!

By the time I had stopped, I had a Princess laying her head on my shoulder, and a Princess of Love laughing.

Celestia, despite having the ability to completely destroy me in the blink of an eye, is fucking adorable.

Author's Note

fun gamer fact:

in the original story, i did have chrysalis point out that Fruit Punch may or may not have stage fright and (potentially) anxiety. So i figured I may as well use this here!

So Uh, I Made Dinner
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Not So Funny Story

So Uh, I Made Dinner

I was happily resting on the couch, with a sleepy Chrysalis holding me in her forelegs, which was just a thing my buggy roommate does. Will I complain? No, Chryssy is very warm. Will I remain still while my roommate sleeps? Yes. Yes I will. Look at how Chrysalis is barely staying awake, how she will yawn on occasion because it’s kinda early in the morning, and how those yawns are oddly adorable? Yeah, like hell that I’ll move while Chrysalis is one blink away from napping.

You know, I kinda enjoy and hate having so much free time. I hate it because I have no idea as to what to do, since I’m used to having most of my day be eaten up by work, but it’s also kinda neat. Now, I can wake up, look at the copy of the schedule that I had, and go back to sleep. Or even better, wake up, grab a book, and read while Chrysalis sleeps in. All the free time was… well, freeing, and my monkey brain needs mental stimulation.

So here I am, despite saying I hated doing it, planning out my next pizza cart fiasco, where I will sell even more pizza than ever before. Upon retrospection, I was probably just insanely stressed out because I didn’t have enough stuff to make enough pizzas to last me through just a lunch rush. With this new budget I’ve got in place, I will be able to buy a food cart, and then not worry about the costs of renting one whenever I do this again.

In fact, I want to do this again and abolish Equestrian pizza.

Three loud knocks on the door woke Chrysalis up, and she had quickly transformed into her ‘Crystal Clear’ disguise, she had sat up to let me go answer the door. Of course, given that Changeling Queens are apparently as strong, if not a little weaker, than a young alicorn, Chrysalis decides to hide behind me whenever somebody knocks on the door. It was kinda cute, but also made a lot of sense.

You are a part of a species, a species that has remained pretty much hidden away from any other species for eons, or whatever stupid timeframe. It would make sense that you’d want to remain hidden when your source of nutrients happens to be the emotions of others. Chrysalis, as Crystal Clear, poked her eyes just above the couch and kept my eyes on the door as I went to open it.

Oh hey, a Royal Guard with bat wings and bat fangs.

What the fuck?

“This is from Princess Luna.” I nodded dumbly when an envelope with the Equestrian Royal Seal was given to me. Next to the usual seal was Luna’s cutie mark. The guard saluted me for some reason, and I shut the door right afterwards.

“Did you rat me out and manage to suppress your emotions?”

“No. I just told Celestia that I had a cool roommate and she didn’t press any further. Plus I have no idea if you’re actually a national threat to Equestria or not, so I didn’t really see a need to scream to the heavens ‘I got a big, cute, bug horse in my house and I cuddle with her every night’.” Chrysalis began to actually blush at that. “So no, I didn’t sell you out, Chryssy. Unless you murder somebody, or me, mostly if you murder me, I won’t tell a soul. Because if you murder me, I will tell somebody even if I am dead.”

“That doesn’t sound possible.”

“It is. It just requires imagination!” I waved my hands much like Spongebob did during his little spiel about imagination.

“Well, what did Princess Luna want to send you?” I shrugged and opened up the letter.

Dear Fruit Punch

We request thy’s presence at once. Though the feeling of pressure shall not be on your mind, we merely request that you visit the castle sometime today. We have… a request for thou, if thee do not mind.

Also if thy does not comply, we shall banish thee, and imprison thou in the place we banish you to.

Your friend,

Luna.

P.S: I won’t actually banish and imprison you, Fruit, but please do stop by the castle at some point today.

Well, that’s pretty fun. “Well, Luna wants to execute me, so-”

“If she touches a hair in your mane, I will gut Moonbutt and make her sister watch,” Chrysalis snarled. “I have done far worse for those that I’ve loved.”

“What was that last bit?”

“Don’t worry about it, Fruit.”

“Okay!” I shrugged before looking down at the letter. “Well, I’ll be back later. Don’t wanna keep a Princess waiting.”

“And you best be back before midnight this time. It’s rude to keep a Queen waiting.” I nodded.

So, because I didn’t feel like saying my name today, I just decided to write ‘I am Fruit Punch. Princess Moonbutt would like to see me’ on a sticky note, and then stick that on my forehead before I left home. It was kinda hard to do with just my mouth, but then it turns out my mouth writing was better than my handwriting back on Earth. What’s even better, I could also write with my hooves, and that was better than my mouth.

I guess fingers are just for losers, but boy do I miss flipping birds.

Yeah, that’s right voices in my head, fuck you(Quick A/N: ty you for reading this far).

Anyways, the walk here was pretty uneventful, but I did get a few funny looks from people. It’s only like I put this sticky note on my head to make communicating easier, not give the public a funny nickname to call Luna. No, I did not think of the nickname until Chryssy said it, and it sounds really fucking funny. So here I am, walking up to the castle, with a totally not offensive sticky note on my head.

Weirdly enough, the guards didn’t bat an eye at the stupid thing I stuck on my head, and even let me walk by them after a glance at the note. For some reason it was really easy for them to correlate ‘Moonbutt’ with ‘Luna’. That darn Moobutt… New nickname! As I followed a guard, I began to ponder why Luna would be awake at this hour. Apparently the woman was nocturnal, but she wants me to come anywhere from eleven in the morning, to eleven at night, which as far as I’m concerned, doesn’t exactly work well with the Princess’s nocturnal habits.

Also, I was led up to the throne room instead of Luna’s bedroom. Good, I don’t want to send the wrong message across. For some sunny reason, there’s a rumor spreading throughout Canterlot that I’m having sexy times with Luna everytime I visit the castle. The only reason I know about this rumor is because Flip told me at work, and some customers even asked me if I was sleeping with Luna.

So, like any good guy, I said the rumors were true because it sounded like a funny idea.

The throne room opened up to Celestia, with Luna sitting beside her, and the two seemed to be having a very serious conversation.

“Luna, I doubt Fruit Punch actually knows how to cook.”

“But he made our sandwich when we went to Hayburger, and it was delicious! Are thou certain- good morning, Fruit,” Luna stopped mid conversation with her sister the moment the doors closed. Even from here, I could tell Luna was barely staying awake. “We have been hoping thou would be able to make today’s dinner. You see, our niece, Princess Cadance, has announced that she is to be married, and tonight’s dinner will be to announce the wedding and who her groom will be.”

“Uh…”

“Well, is thou willing to help us tonight?”

“Sure… do I gotta bring my own ingredients, or can-”

“Nonsense, use anything thou would like in the Royal Kitchen!” Okay, cool, I barely know how to cook, but I’m sure I can come up with something. In fact, I might ask Mr. Mint if I can borrow some hay patties, because I’ve got an idea.

“You… want a case of hay patties?” Mr. Mint asked. I had quickly made a run to the Hayburger that I work at, and had asked a very important question. I’m making pizza, spaghetti and hayballs, and breadsticks. All of which are not very clean foods, which’ll definitely fit into tonight’s dinner party, which’ll probably be stuffed with snobs.

“Yeah. I’m cooking for the Princesses at a party tonight, and I’ve got several ideas. And I’ll pay for the case of patties, sir.”

“Go ahead and take two! Anything for my best employee!” Mr. Mint grinned. “Now you best hurry up, my friend, it’s not wise to keep the Princesses waiting on their dinner!”

I just stared at Mr. Mint for a solid minute and a half. “Boss?” Mr. Mint looked back up from his paperwork. “Have I ever told you’re the best boss I’ve ever had?” Mr. Mint grinned. At me, and I could see a little tear run down his eyes… Okay, I would kill a man for this stallion. Good boss, wish I could spend more time with the fella because of how nice he is, and he’s letting me do this without charging me a dime?

What the fuck, Mr. Mint, why must you be so cool? Like, you’re twenty-five percent cooler than I ever was when I was a manager at McDonalds.

I sat in the Royal Kitchen, waiting for my pizzas to cook. I already had three, large pots of noodles boiling on the stove, with the sauce I used for pizza ready to dump on them once that’s done. Behind me on a cart sat six or seven other pizzas, all of which had finished cooking ten minutes ago. I was sipping on tea, because now it’s an hour until dinner is supposed to start, and my pizzas were supposed to be finished in twenty minutes.

Did I say an hour? I meant thirty minutes.

I’ve only got ten minutes after the pizza and pasta is done, to get to the dining hall and get my food on a table for everypony attending the dinner. My noodle timer went off, so I strained the noodles, threw them in a pan, and added the chopped up hayburger patties to the mix. Next, my secret recipe pizza sauce went next… and some cheese.

There, pizza styled pasta’s ready. It smelled really good, so I took a tiny bowl for myself and holy shit I am a culinary genius. The hay patty bits were actually pretty good, and felt like some really good vegan meatballs in the mouth. That meant the texture, to me, who’s used to actual meatballs, felt wrong. Taste wise, it was perfect!

Why the fuck did I choose to make food that got cold relatively quickly? In fact, why did I choose two foods that sucked when they got cold?

Oh shit the pizzas! I quickly opened the oven and they were done. In this last batch of pizza, I had put hay sausages, or just chopped up, seasoned hay patties, in them. This is gonna be my latest experiment. I threw them in the boxes, which did a good job at keeping them warm, and stuck them on the cart before rushing to the dinner hall.

I made it! I fucking made it on time and my food was on the tables for guests to grab once the dinner actually starts! Now what? Do I go sit with Luna and Celestia? Mostly Luna to help spread those cute little rumors. I could do that, or, even better, I just sit next to Celestia and get some rumors running on Sunbutt’s front as well.

I sat down next to the Sun Princess. There was that polite mask she usually wore. “Good evening Fruit Punch. I see that you have managed to make it on time… You did finish the dishes you were supposed to bring, right?” I nodded. “Please tell me they are terrible. I’ve betted ten bits and a slice of cake that you didn’t know how to cook.”

“Who’d you made the bet with?”

Luna was sitting across the dining room, now looking much more awake, and was glaring at her sister like an angry little filly.

“Uh… you’ll see when you everypony tries my stuff out.” I said with a nervous chuckle.

The dress Luna had put on was kinda pretty. In fact, everybody except me was dressed up in either a suit, if you were a stallion, or a dress if you were a mare. Even Celestia had a simple, light blue dress that she had put on for the evening. Cadance was sitting at a table next to a unicorn I recognized, Shining Armor I believe. Judging from how much of a nervous wreck the poor guy has on his face, I knew who Cadance was marrying.

Poor bastard, enjoy the free life while you can… Wait, he’s marrying a Princess…

Yeah, rest in peace, you poor, poor soul.

Eventually the dinner had started, and everybody had gotten up to go choose what they’d like for dinner. My food got eyed by a bunch of ponies who had all noted that it smelled and tasted kinda weird, but took a slice of pizza and a scoop of the pasta anyways. Sadly, I didn’t have the time to make breadsticks(or I forgot how to make bread), so I couldn’t get any of those out. Luna took two scoops of the pasta and a slice of pizza, while Celestia did the opposite. Two slices of pizza and a scoop of pasta.

And a big chunk of a chocolate cake that was up for grabs.

What did I grab? Well, I was so nervous about making food that I forgot that I was at a dinner party and continued to awkwardly sit at my table. Luna had moved from her spot to sit with me and Celestia, who had been nice enough to actually bring me some corn and a scoop of my own pasta. You see, all the stuff made for today had a chef’s name written out on paper just in front of what they were serving.

Everyone knows what I’ve just made today.

I need my emotional support Changeling Queen right now.

“Greetings, everypony!” Cadance stood up, holding a glass of what was probably wine in her magic. “As you all know, this party is being thrown to announce that I am getting married in a few months…” Cadance smiled at Shining Armor, who was now even more nervous. “And of course, I will be announcing who my groom will be tonight. For now, however, let us enjoy our dinner!” Cadance raised her glass; cheers to such a wonderful evening.

Oh yeah, it didn’t fucking help that she and Shining Armor were sitting at my table! Why? Why am I sitting here? Jesus fucking- I am going to jump out of a window at this rate. Why did I choose the one table where all three Equestrian Princesses were sitting? Fruit, you fucking dumbass.

Cadance and Shining Armor had a small assortment of food on their plates, including some of my own dishes.

“So, Fruit, you didn’t tell me you knew how to cook,” Celestia said, taking in the smell of the pasta. “Because this smells quite lovely.”

“Uh…” is it too late to shove my fork in my throat? I hate this. I hate this. I fucking hate this. Twelve out of the thirty ponies in this room have chosen my food. Why? Why do you idiots have to try something new? Actually, please hate my food so I can at least-“

“Mmm! That is good!” Cadance said cheerfully, now wiping her lips from the pizza slice she just ate.

Shining Armor looked up at me. “Dude, you’re teaching me how you made this!”

Celestia made a slurping noise. “My apologies,” she said. Where the fuck did all that pasta go? Actually, how the hell was Luna already done eating? Bro, what the hell were these alicorn’s stomachs? Blackholes?

Oh god, why does Luna look angry?

“Fruit Punch,” well shit. “This is the best thing I have had the pleasure of eating…” Luna grinned and looked up at Celestia. “You owe me ten bits, by the way.” Celesita snorted, before coughing up the bits, and some of her chocolate cake.

Several ponies had gone up for seconds, most of whom were ponies who had chosen to get some of my food.

“Gah! This is disgusting!” I looked up to see… some white unicorn, who had also been sitting at my table for some reason, was glaring at the pizza sauce on the napkin he had just used. “Who made this atrocious abomination? The taste is subpar at best, and is incredibly messy!”

Oh.

“And the pony who made this, decided to use haypatties! I am above eating such dirt.”

“Prince Blueblood,” Celestia said in a stern voice.

“What auntie?”

“You are causing a scene.” Everybody in the room was staring at Blueblood.

“Also, I made the thing you just ate,” I raised my hoof. “You wanna know the recipe?”

“You think I wish to know how you made this travesty?” Blueblood asked. He magicked up a singular pasta noodle.

“Yes you do! The ingredients include:

“Glue, saw dust, a rock or twenty seven, a dragon’s toe nail, onions, and a bit of Princess Celestia’s hair…” I said as seriously as possible. “I heard that eating a Princess’s hair can make you immortal.” I flashed the rest of the table a quick wink and a grin before going back to my serious face. “It’s a trade secret Luna told me once.”

“It… Can it?” Prince Blueblood asked. He looked to his aunts, who both nodded.

“Yuh. Just eat the whole thing and shut the fuck up. It’ll turn you into an alicorn in the morning. In fact, eat the whole pot of pasta on the table over there!” Blueblood suddenly grinned like an idiot before going to eat the whole thing.

Funnily enough, despite saying he hated it, Blueblood seemed to have a huge smile on his face as he lugged the pot out of the room.

Checkmate, asshole.

later…

Blueblood spent the next three days on the toilet. This case of the runs was so bad that Prince Blueblood had to get a new toilet shortly after he was done.

Author's Note

Get fucked, Blueblood.

I Yelled a Little too Loudly
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Not So Funny Story

I Yelled a Little too Loudly

So the first thing to note is that the inside of a changeling hive looks like the inside of some alien city. Like the whole thing was dark, almost pitch black, which was thanks to every wall being covered in black, crystalized resin. It wasn’t completely pitch black, because about every ten or twenty feet, there were weird lamp like structures that were embedded in the walls. The only reason why I didn’t immediately run back out of the Hive was because Chrysalis was with me, and I was dating her now. Chrysalis wouldn't just drag me into her homeland to murder me right?

Chrysalis was more than capable of doing that on Equestrian soil, thank you. Yes, I can see how strong Chrysalis’s forelegs are, yes they are beautiful, and enticingly good at giving hugs. Also yes, those same forelegs could probably break my neck like a twig.

Oh yeah, there’s a bunch of blue, blueish green, or completely green eyes just staring at me. Why? Because I am pony, and I guess ponies aren’t very common inside of changeling Hives.

“You know, everyling, it is impolite to hide in the shadows and stare at the Queen’s guest,” Chrysalis chuckled. “This is Fruit Punch, who I am currently courting, and he is quite the delightful little stallion. Treat him as you would your fellow changeling; he might be your king one day!” My girlfriend announced, and shortly after a changeling came out of the shadows, and had casually landed next to me.

Or rather, right in front of me. “Uh… Hi.”

“Your highness,” the changeling stood at full height. “Are you sure you want to date a midget?” You fucker! I am fun sized according to Chryssy! You’re only two heads taller than me!

Okay, I’m short as fuck, but you don’t yave to point it out.

“Yes Entenna, I wish to keep courting Fruit Punch despite is vertical challenges.”

“Oi, fuck you!”

“Oh? You want to reach that point in the relationship, Fruit?”

“Uh…” Fuck. My cheeks are warming up now.

Entenna laughed. “Glad to see that you still play such foalish tricks on your future mates, your highness.”

“Of course, as a Queen, I must be a role model for my Hive. Entenna, can you be a dear and fetch Skitter and Scatter, and have them meet me in the throne room? I still have a few places in the Hive I would like to show Fruit. Namely the nursery.”

“Is it… wise to take a Pony into the nursery? No offense to you, your highness, but how do we know that Fruit won’t just hurt a nymph, even if it is just by accident.”

“I believe Fruit will be careful, and I can supervise my stupid little stallion.”

I perked up. “Hey, I’m stupid, but I’m also dumb!” I pouted. Before I could protest, Chrysalis urged me to follow her.

Oh. My. God.

Baby changelings are precious! Like Jesus Christ, them big ol’ eyes, those adorable little fangs, the stubby legs! Oh my god! I remained perfectly still, sitting on my rump, holding a nymph like I would my own child. It’s so tiny, that I’m scared of accidentally hurting, or startling the baby changeling by moving too much. The little bugger is reaching his little hooves up to my face.

D'aww… He looks like he wants to bite my face off, but he’s so cute!

“I take it that your heart has been won over by that little nymph?” Chrysalis asked. Well, I guess she’s right, because now I’m playing a little game with the baby. The improvised game mostly involved me booping my nose against that nymph’s nose, and the nymph had to try and grab my nose with his hooves and baby fangs.

“And I suppose the nymph likes you just as much?” Chrysalis chuckled as the baby began to giggle like a little child as we played our game.

Chrysalis

I couldn’t help but to sit back and watch Fruit Punch playing with a nymph. The nymph was clearly enjoying the attention, and Fruit was ever so gentle with it that it had shocked me. Fruit was currently being more gentle and more attentive to the nymph than some of the drones, who’s job is to watch over and play with the younglings of the Hive. Needless to say, I was impressed, and my cold blooded heart warmed up a little as I watched the interaction.

“Yowch!” Fruit flinched when the nymph and successfully nipped his nose. “Man, you’re a strong little fella eh? Betcha you’ll grow up big, strong, and fully ready to become the very best little buggy that ever was!” Fruits brought the nymph up to his cheek and nuzzled it. Fruit then slowly looked up at me. “Can I keep him?”

“No Fruit, you may not keep the nymph. Maybe once he can walk, I can arrange playdates between the two of you?” I cocked my head to the side.

“Deal.”

“Your highness!” I turned to see… two of my best guards, Skitter and Scatter, saluting me. “Entenna said you were seeking us?” Skitter asked.

“I believe I instructed that drone to meet me at the throne room… Worry not, I can give you your assignment from here,” I pointed to Fruit, who was now napping with the nymph, who was now curled up underneath Fruit’s head… that is adorable. “Once Fruit is awake, I want you two to accompany him, and make sure no’ling tries to drain him. I would like to marry Fruit at some point, and I cannot do that if he is drained of all of his love. And, though it is not required, can you give Fruit Punch a tour of the Hive?”

“Of course, your majesty.”

“If something should arise, I shall be in my throne room, attending to other duties.”

“Yes, your highness,” Scatter said. I nodded to the two guards after planting a kiss on Fruit’s forehead, and trotted past them to the rest of the Hive.

Fruit Punch

I slowly raised my head off of the nymph I was ‘protecting’, and smiled fondly at how cozy the nymph was. God damn, dude, when I thought changelings were already oddly cute, Chrysalis decided to show me what a baby changeling looks like? Chryssy, what the actual fuck? Now all I want to do is sit and play with babies- what the heck is wrong with me? I used to actually hate children quite a fair amount, they’re loud, obnoxious, and kinda smelly.

In the case of this nymph, he was just kinda smelly. Other than that, he was so delightful!

“Sir,” a hoof tapped my back, and I slowly sat up to look at the changeling that- “My name is Skitter, this is Scatter, and we will be accompanying you while you explore the Hive. If you'd like, we can also give you a tour, or just sit and play with the nymphs. I personally don’t mind what you wish to do, as long as you remain within mine, and Scatter’s sight… it is our Queen’s command to keep an eye on you, after all.”

I sat up and stretched. “Aight… I assume I gotta leave the baby in the nursery, right?”

“Yes sir, especially nymphs as young as the one you were just playing with.”

“Aight then… will-” I jumped when another changeling dropped from the ceiling and collected the nymph I was napping with. “Holy- do all you guys just randomly drop in from god knows where?” I asked. Like Jesus Christ, that is the sixth one today!

“Well sir, our species heavily relies on stealth to hunt prey and to survive; we kind of have to be good at being sneaky.” Skitter said. My eyes drifted to Scatter. “She doesn’t like to talk all that often, sir, so I usually speak for us.”

“Are you two siblings or something?”

“Yessir, twins in fact,” Skitter answered in a heartbeat.

I then stood up. “C’mon, show me around the Hive, it sounds like a fun pastime since I’ll probably be here for a little bit.”

As Skitter had decided to show me a cool little fountain that was apparently spewing liquid love(it was pink. Cool) , something caught my ears. Like the sound of yelling, yelling something meant to hurt somebody’s- okay, somebody was getting bullied. I quickly snuck away from my guards, as doing that surely won’t have any repercussions, and trotted around the fountain to see three changelings standing over a fourth, who was currently cowering and curled up into a ball. My blood began to boil when I saw one of the first three changelings spat on the cowering changeling.

The cowering changeling was crying.

“Not so much of a tough guy without Pharynx around, huh?” One of the bullies set a hoof on the cowering changeling, while winding up another to begin beating down on the poor fella. Well, I can’t just standby and let this happen. So, without making a dumb battlecry that’ll sell my cover, I ran forward as fast as I could while screaming the only appropriate thing I could think of:

“Leeroy Jenkins!” I shouldered one of the changelings, specifically the one getting ready to beat the shit out of the changeling on the ground, sending them to the ground with a thud. “Aight, what the fuck are y’all doing to this fella?”

“And what do you think you’re doing in our Hive, pony? Do you have a death wish?”

“Well… death does sound like an appetizing thing, but I would also like to keep living. Before we end up yelling and or beating each other to a pulp, why don’t we exchange names?” The apparent lead changeling nodded, surprisingly.

“I am Coxa, this is Tibia and Tarsus,” Coxa said, pointing to his two lackeys.

“Name’s Fruit Punch, also known as Fruit, I am currently dating your Queen. So feel free to murder me and see what your Queen does when your Queen finds out that you murdered the Queen’s coltfriend. Trust me, it will not end well for you,” I snarled.

“You’d seem like the type to flaunt your position, pony-”

“And you’re beating somebody up because they’re weaker than you.”

“Because he is worth nothing to the Hive, Thorax has to be the worst changeling to ever changeling in the history of this Hive! He can’t scout, he cannot capture anycreature, and can’t even gather love or fight!”

“And so you beat him up for being weak… You fucking foul piece of shit.”

“What-”

“Being strong does not mean you can beat others, who cannot fight, down into the dirt. Shitbags like you only have friends because you’re a brute who’ll beat the hell out of them for not blindly following your worthless carapace.” Coxa began to tear up a little bit, but I wasn’t done. “You are not worth anything to anyling, all you do is wander around the Hive, don’t you? You just wander until you find some poor bastard to beat the shit out of to fill in the void that is your worthless, empty life. Am I correct?”

“... yes,” Coxa almost whispered.

“Say it louder, I can’t hear you!” I shouted.

“Yes!” Coxa was now crying.

“Now go take your worthless ass somewhere else, like helping the Hive with patrols, gardening, whatever the fuck, I don’t give a shit. Go actually do something that serves the Hive as a whole rather than beating down the individuals who can’t, or won’t, fight back against you.” I slowly moved my gaze to Coxa’s friends. “And you two aren’t any fucking better. Quit following this worthless waste of oxygen, or I will find you, and I will ask Chrysalis to kick your shit in. are we clear?” All three changelings nodded before running off.

All three of them were crying.

I then spun around, got down on my… knees? I don’t know, I have four of them if they’re knees. “Hey bud,” the changeling looked up, and was shivering. “Don’t worry, I won’t verbally lash out at ya. Are you hurt?”

“No…”

“No, no, you’re hurt. Not physically, but you’re hurt.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“You just got verbally abused and were about to get physically abused. I don’t think you’re doing very good mentally.”

“I-I suppose I’m n-not.” I settled down next to the crying changeling. “What a-are y-you doing?”

“If you wanna cry your heart out, do it, it’s good for you. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here.”

“B-but won’t I ruin your fur by crying on you?”

“It might, but some fur isn’t worth anything. Your emotional well-being’s what I care about, so c’mon… Thorax was it?” The changeling nodded. “Just cry, vent, anything. I’ll listen, and I’ll try and see if I can’t get help for you.” Thorax didn’t need anymore coaxing, he buried his face into my shoulder and started crying. Y’know, wet fur sucks, but it’s not too big of a deal. Thorax just kept pouring tears, while the muffled sounds of his woes verberated through my whole being. “Good, good, let it out. I want you to cry… sometimes crying is what you need to feel better.”

“Fruit Punch!” I looked up, I was laying in the same position, with Thorax using me as a pillow, to see my escorts. “What in the Hive are you doing? One moment we were going over the history of the Hive and you… is that Thorax?” Skitter asked, his wings went from buzzing constantly, likely from irritation, to him being kinda scared. I simply nodded. “Sir, we need to run. If Pharynx catches you, or us near his brother, he’ll beat the hell out of us-”

“What are you doing with Thorax?” A voice that absolutely demanded authority rang through my ears. A changeling ran ahead, before stopping and glaring at me.

“Sup,” I waved at the new face, who looked incredibly angry. “Your brother was just getting bullied, so I helped him out, and got him to vent everything to me. Poor fella just needs a friend or two, so I’m volunteering to be his friend. So here we are, I’m letting Thorax hug me,” I gestured to the two forelegs wrapped around my neck. “And I’m staying here until he wakes up, or feels better.” I assumed this was Pharynx, and began to study me.

“So you’re the pony that’s managed to woo the Queen…” Pharynx sighed. “You’re lucky that I have orders that I cannot lay a hoof on you,” the drone walked up to me and got really close to my ear. “And I suppose I should thank you for helping out my brother… But I should let you know, if you hurt Thorax’s feelings in any way, shape or form, I will drop those orders and drain you of love, got it, pony?” Pharynx whispered.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get your wings in a twist, Mr. Pharynx. I’ll make sure to take good care of Thorax.”

Pharynx nodded. “Good, because noling, and definitely nopony, has the right to bully my brother except me.”

“You just love him,” I smirked. Pharynx growled at me, and I knew he was hiding the fact that this changeling does in fact, love his dorky little brother. What? Pharynx gives off big brother energy! Pharynx flew off to do whatever the heck, most likely watch me from the shadows, and disappeared from my sight.

“Sir, did you just… talk to Pharynx,” I nodded. “And garner some respect from him?”

“Uh… I guess. Say, why does everybody seem to know Thorax?”

“Just… about every drone in the Hive sees Thorax as weak, mostly because Thorax isn’t.. The most competent drone in the Hive. Neither I, nor Scatter really bother with Thorax; he leaves us alone, so we leave him alone.”

“Fruit Punch?” Thorax asked quietly. “You didn’t leave me behind?”

“What kinda friend would I be if I turned my back on somebody who needs me?” I chuckled. “If you wanna keep relaxing, we can stay here.” I looked to my escorts, and the two of them nodded.

“That… would be very nice, thank you Fruit.”

“Fruit?” I looked up to see Chrysalis standing over me, looking kinda mad. “Why did three drones run my way, crying about a mean pony?” She asked. “You didn’t hurt anyling in here, did you…” she stopped when her eyes fell on the sleeping form of Thorax.

“Well, those three changelings were harassing this guy here, so I put a stop to it. Since I can’t really do any physical harm; I’m a twig of a unicorn, I figured I could use my tongue to do the fighting for me. Granted, I may have gone a little too far with calling those three idiots worthless, but hey, it ticks me off when I see the little guy get pushed around for something out of their control.”

Chrysalis sighed. “Well, I suppose verbal lashings are better than actual lashings. Do please tone down your verbal assault, you made me have to direct Coaxa and his friends to therapy with how harsh your words were.”

Fuck.

“Whenever you feel like it, please allow Skitter and Scatter to lead you to my throne room. We are hosting a feast in your name!” Chrysalis pranced. “With your verbal lashing, you’ve garnered quite a bit of love and admiration; Coaxa and his friends aren’t a favorite amongst my Hive, as they berate and beat anyling that isn’t Skitter, Scatter, Pharynx, or myself. And it’s only because those four are more than capable of blasting Coaxa to dust.”

Huh.

Author's Note

the contents of the yell were kinda mean.

Changelings Are Just Buggy, Horse Shaped Dogs. Also Remember That Town With the Stupid Name? I’m in That Town Now.
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Not So Funny Story

Changelings Are Just Buggy, Horse Shaped Dogs. Also Remember That Town With the Stupid Name? I’m in That Town Now.

As ever brief that this visit to Chrysalis’s kingdom, the Southern Badlands Hive, it was kinda fun. Chrysalis said we had to leave back for Canterlot tomorrow morning, but that didn’t mean I had to stop by wherever Thorax was hanging out, to hang out with him. It just seemed like a good thing to do since I got no idea as to when I’ll be seeing my new changeling friend again. So here I am, sitting next to Thorax, just idly sitting around and doing nothing. At least until Chrysalis comes and demands to cuddle with me.

I am powerless in stopping Chrysalis snuggles, okay? Chrysalis is very warm and cuddly.

Well, Thorax was feasting on the ‘friendship’ feeling, since I can kinda feel a bit of my soul being nibbled on. I don’t know why I didn’t connect the dots, but changelings mostly(if not only) eat emotions, and need the nutrients from said emotions to live. Positive emotions such as love seem to be the more nutritious, if not magically delicious emotions that changelings like to feed on. So in a sense, I was feeding both my girlfriend(or marefriend? I forget), and now my new friend.

I hope I’m also giving off enough positive emotions for my escorts to feed off. I’ve no clue how the emotional feeding worked, but I hope it works in the way I think it does, where multiple changelist can consume the emotions of one pony without harming them. Mostly because Skitter and Scatter looked kinda bored, just standing around and doing nothing.

“Y’know, you two could go wander off. I doubt any changeling will try to hurt me.”

“Noling would, sir. You’ve got the Queen’s scent markings on you; you’re off limits,” Skitter said. “And while you may not have fully followed along with the tour myself and my sister had prepared for you, it is an honor to be escorting the Queen’s consort,” he added.

“But…”

“Trust me, Fruit, it’s a changeling’s dream to simply help out the Hive and the Hive’s Queen. When you said Coaxa was… useless to the Hive, you quite heavily hurt his pride by doing that; saying you’re worthless to the Hive is the greatest insult a changeling could receive. For us ‘lings, the Hive, along with the Queen’s orders, are first and foremost… which is why Skitter and Scatter won’t go do something else. Even if you ask them to…” Thorax chuckled. “I’m not much different from Coaxa, am I? I’m pretty useless to my Hive; I can’t do anything right.”

Scatter finally decided to speak up. “There is a clear difference, Thorax. Coaxa was merely a bully, keeping drones like yourself down in the dirt instead of helping you improve, or allowing you to find something you’re good at. You at least try to help out, we don’t know what position you’re good at yet, but you’re pretty young,” she said with a small little… Oh.

Scatter might have a crush on Thorax. I could see that little shine she has in her eyes while speaking to the drone before her.

“B-but you and Skitter found your place already, and you’re as old as I am!”

“That’s simply because we are good at fighting…”

“You could be an emotional support changeling,” I suggested. All three changelings snorted. “What? It would actually be really helpful. I mean, Thorax can be like a therapist; someling you vent your frustrations to, who will keep your frustrations top secret, and will help you through whatever emotional strife you may be feeling at the time.” I shrugged. “I know the Hive above all, but your mental health also matters.”

“Well, we already do have emotional therapy drones, so you could give that a shot, Thorax,” Skitter suggested. “Because despite how you only get recognition in the Hive through combat skill, the real heroes are those ‘emotional support drones’. Some experiences while scouting can be… traumatic to say the least.” Skitter shivered.

I then had a thought.

“Hey Thorax,” the drone looked up at me, and cocked his head to the side. God dammit, you adorable bughorse, you need to stop being cute… Know what? This thought works out. I slowly tipped the drone over, until Thorax was eventually laying on his side. There was next to no resistance from my friend, as he just silently went about what I was doing. “Not afraid that I’ve got you in a pretty vulnerable position?”

“I can taste your intent. If you wanted to hurt me, I probably couldn’t stop you, but I would know if you wanted to hurt me,” Thorax explained.

“So…” I started rubbing Thorax’s belly, and like a dog, the changeling rolled fully on his back, panting, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth. Holy shit, my thought is actually paying off! Holy fucking shit, changeling drones like belly rubs! I grinned as Thorax started to do a little leg kicky thing… These guys were just big, big, bug horse dogs, and I love them.

“That feels so good- hey why’d you stop?” Thorax looked up at me like a puppy that somepony had just kicked.

“Well…” Maybe I shouldn’t have done this in a more ‘public’ section of the Hive. “There’s a line of changelings behind you.” Low and behold, a nice long line of changelings were lined up. Chrysalis was sitting off to the side, forelegs crossed, smugly grinning at me. The kind of face that screamed. “You did this to yourself.”

“C’mon Thorax! You’re holding up the line!”

“But… this is my belly rubbing pony!” Thorax protested.

“Isn’t Fruit Chrysalis’s pet pony?” One of the drones in the line asked.

Wait, pet pony? What the fuck have you been telling your drones, Chryssy? And why am I okay with being called that?

“I shall allow all of you to lease Fruit Punch’s services. Now one at a time! There is only one Fruit Punch to go around!” Chrysalis, why?

Okay, so now I’m sitting in a pile of changelings, all of which were trying to get cuddled up next to me, with Skitter, Scatter, and Thorax being the closest to me. The first two, mainly Skitter, had been wide awake, keeping watch over me. Scatter on the other hand, is currently drooling on me and knocked out. Occasionally a drone’s leg would twitch from the belly rubbing sessions I had given them. Apparently physical contact could be used to feed drones love. And I love petting creatures that could rip my throat out at a moment's notice…

All these changelings, except for Skitter, were in a food coma.

Sitting in front of the Changeling pile, Chrysalis and, I think Pharynx, were sitting. Pharynx looked disgusted at the physical affection I had just displayed for just about every drone in the Hive, while Chrysalis was a little teary eyed. I knew why, and it was kinda cute, and kinda relieving. Every drone in this pile of at least a hundred drones had accepted me, and were perfectly happy with keeping me.

Also, I almost got myself claimed by another female drone, but Chryssy already scent marked me. So now the female drone is near the bottom of the pile, sleeping with resting, pouty, bug horse face.

“Your highness, I get that your new little coltfriend has won the whole Hive over at this point, but don’t you think we should move these drones to some sleeping chambers at least? It would be safer for the Hive as a whole-“

“Worry not, with myself and the greatest scout in this Hive’s history, we can keep everyling here safe.”

Pharynx sighed. “Okay, your highness. You can rest as well, I will remain alert tonight.” Chrysalis then planted a little nuzzle on her golden drone’s forehead, which was greeted with a slightly playful hoof batting her muzzle away. “Sweet dreams, your highness. I will awaken Fruit Punch when it is time for the two of you to depart.” Pharynx soluted his Queen before trying to shoe Chrysalis off to her quarters.

Third person

As Fruit and Chrysalis got off the carriage, being pulled by the courtesy of Skitter and Slither, Fruit had the pleasure of booping the disguised Skitter on the nose, before trotting after Chrysalis, disguised as Crystal Clear, to get on the train. The changeling Queen nodded to a random stallion, before hopping on, and Fruit tilted his head in confusion.

“That was one of my spies, who was stationed at Canterlot. I believe he was returning to the Hive, to go write a report before heading out on his next mission. Which is whatever Pharynx sees fit, as Pharynx is my second in command,” Chrysalis explained.

“Man… You… ponies are really cool.” Fruit did his best not to say changeling.

‘Whatever’ the spy thought to himself. If whatever the buzz was in the Hive mind at the moment was anything to go by, then that must be his Queen and her new consort. So Echo didn’t pay much heed, before his eyes opened wide…

“So that’s what the royal wedding is for…” Echo whispered before trotting up to the carriage that was being pulled by his fellow disguised changelings. “Hello, ‘River’ and ‘Rain’, ready to head back home?” The spy asked. “Because I have made a revelation that I must spread to the rest of the Hive!”

“Tell us!” Skitter bounced in his harness.

“The Queen is going to marry that stallion, and the ponies were nice enough to make a spectacle of it!” Now was probably a good time to mention that Echo was a rather inexperienced spy, and his mission was merely a test, but… The excitement of Queen Chrysalis, Queen of Love, getting married? That made the drones forget about their friend's inexperience. Both of the carriage drones got giddy.

“Well, why didn’t you start with that? Let’s go tell Pharynx!”

“Wait, what!?” Pharynx shouted, now pacing around in panic. “Why didn’t Queen Chrysalis tell anyling? Was she hoping to make this a surprise?”

“I think so sir, perhaps she’s not certain if everyling has fully accepted her chosen mate, for he is a pony. So I think the ponies, as friendly as they are, might be seeing this as a possible alliance between the Hive and Equestria, and are hosting a Royal Wedding in honor of the union,” Echo said smugly, “Heard some rich ponies talk about it, they didn’t mention the names… But I believe the Queen will be disguised as ‘Cadance’ or some other pony to keep things quiet.”

Good thing noling knew who the Hive Cadance actually was.

Pharynx rubbed his chin, before he shot up. “Gather the whole Hive! The Queen dares to marry somepony without telling us? We'll just have to come watch the wedding without an invitation. I will inform the ponies that we are planning to peacefully visit the Hive, and to have nothing to fear!” Pharynx grinned. “I wonder how many nymphs Chrysalis will want.”

Dear Princess Celestia,

We have been notified of a ‘Royal Wedding’ that you will be hosting in the next few weeks. I am excited to tell you that my whole country will be coming to Canterlot in hopes that we may attend this wedding. We hope to see our Queen marry her chosen pony mate.

It had also come to my attention that you ponies didn’t invite us, so we’ll just have to forcefully show up.

Your close friends,

An unknown country that won’t try to physically assault everypony in your capital city. We just wanna see somepony get married.

P.S, why didn’t you invite us at first?

It was perfect! The letter was full proof! A young, just barely an adult, drone thought to himself after writing the letter. Pharynx, the legendary Pharynx himself, had come to him! Him! To announce the Hive’s attendance in their Queen’s secretly planned wedding with a pony. The only conditions were that the letter could not call their Queen out by name, and that the Hive’s actual name could not be mentioned.

And so far, this seemed like the perfect letter! In a whisp of Changeling Fire, the letter flew off to the distance, directly to Princess Celestia.

Fruit Punch

So uh, the train broke down. It’s not too big of a deal, the train stopped outside of a town called Ponyville, a small, cozy looking town. Y’know, the stupidly named town I mentioned earlier? Well, it’ll be about a day to diagnose the problem, according to the engineers, and a day to fix the problem, and then a day to also refuel the train, and then- you get the point. Me and Chrysalis were stuck in this little town for a week.

On the bright side, I still had a whole two and a half weeks off of work, and Chryssy and I had more than enough money to pay for a hotel room. The main problem was finding a hotel, as neither of us had ever been here before. Mainly because I’ve barely been in Equestria for three months, and Chrysalis just never saw a reason in being in this tiny little town.

So now Chrysalis, in her usual unicorn disguise, was walking beside me, happily chatting about how easily I had been accepted by her drones, and about small little things. The weather, Chrysalis’s excitement to explore somewhere new, my own excitement in possible exploration had toppled hers in a heartbeat.

Me a hairless monkey, new place monkey see, monkey want to roam new place. This time monkey won’t genocide the natives, natives might be friendly.

I will squish a native’s cheeks. They look very squishable.

“So, where to first, before we retire for the day, my dear Fruit?” Chrysalis asked. We stopped outside of a minigolf course, and Chrysalis snorted. “No! Never again, notta, I do not want to continue my cursed luck in mini golf!” I laughed, nuzzling my marefriend’s cheek, and the two of us continued to walk through town until…

“Is that…” I started

“Building made of…” Chrysalis continued

“A cake?” The two of us finally said in unison.

“That seems incredibly unhealthy,” I pointed out.

“Indeed it does, let us avoid it for now; I want to keep my Fruit Punch in tip, top, miniature shape so I can continue to cuddle thee in thy sleep!”

“Whoa now, Crystal, they might have some cookies. I want some cookies.”

“Fruit Punch, do you have Attention Deficit or Hyperactivity Disorder?” Chrysalis asked. On the dot, woman.

“Yeah.”

“And your disorder is telling you that you want some cookies?” I nodded. “Well… I suppose we can grab a box of cookies before we leave. Or, I will make you some homemade cookies in our motel room if it has an oven.”

“But… what if we don’t have an oven in our future motel room.”

“Then we run in this,” Chrysalis pointed at a poster for something called ‘Running of the Leaves’. “And then we get the cookies you crave.” Okay, good compromise. Some exercise before I load myself up on sugar so I can sufficiently crash- fucker, Chrysalis is using this as an opportunity to make me more submissive so she can cuddle with me even more!

“I see what you’re doing, Chryssy.” I chuckled when my marefriend looked shocked. “I still wanna do this ‘Running of the Leaves’ competition, and those cookies, but here’s the thing.” I got nice and close to Chrysalis’s ear and started whispering. “And we might have a little more… activity during our cuddling,” I finished and laughed.

“Fruit, you shameless-“

The rest of Crystal Clear’s words were muffled as she started squealing into my chest. A moment before my chest was being used as a pillow for shouting into, I got to see that Chrysalis’s face was as red as a beetroot, and it was adorable! Man, I should get Chrysalis flustered more often! If only Chrysalis wasn’t normally three times as tall as me.

I love holding Chryssy.

“I’m joking about that last bit, I’m not ready for that yet, but if you just wanna get me to cuddle with you a little earlier just ask. I’m your coltfriend, and I'm willing to do whatever for you, because I love you.” I patted my marefriend on the back. “C’mon, let's go find that motel, eh?” Chrysalis nodded and we made our way towards what looked like town hall for a map.

“Oh. My. Celestia! Fruit Punch? Is that you?” A familiar, white-

“Alabaster, with a Royal Purple mane.” Rarity glared up at the sky while correcting some odd force(Sorry Rarity. Will describe your colors better later.- Nugget). Uh… what?

“Fruit, it is you! What are you doing in Ponyville?”

“I was on a train, and the train broke down.”

“I see… and I see you have a marefriend now…” Rarity sighed. “Why must my knight in shining armor be taken already?” She murmured to herself before shrugging. “Well, I must take you and introduce you to the rest of my friends! I am certain that they would love to chat with you and…”

“Crystal Clear,” Chrysalis greeted. “You know my Fruit Punch?” She asked, cocking her head.

“Of course! He stopped a thief from running off with my purse in Canterlot! And I must say, you are quite the lucky mare to catch Fruit Punch’s heart. He is quite the sight.”

“Of course he is, his butttox is quite fascinating!” Now it was my turn to blush. Rarity raised an eyebrow and Crystal’s crude humor before shrugging it off. “But yes, I am quite fortunate to find somepony willing to love me for being me, and not somepony who only likes my body.”

“It is a really sexy body, y’know,” I chimed in.

Successful flirting scores:

Me: two.

Chrysalis: two hundred fifty four.

“Well, let us go book a motel for the week, Rarity. Just tell us a place to meet up with you and your friends, and we’ll meet up with y’all there.

“Why of course! Just meet me at Sugarcube Corner later today, you can’t miss it! Now go, there are only so many hotel rooms; there is only one hotel in all of Ponyville.”

You didn’t need to tell us twice-

“Fucker.” All the rooms were booked.

“Well-“

“I packed a tent,” Chrysalis said after somepony walked up and handed her a tent.

“That was one of your drones?”

“Indeed, I believe that was Rexas.” God damn, changelings are everywhere.

“So we’ll be camping?”

“Of course!” Chrysalis clapped her hooves. “I cannot wait! My first camping trip with my coltfriend!” Chrysalis squealed… She was planning this out too!

“First camping trip ever, woo!”

“Okay, that is not okay. Everypony must experience camping every now and then,” Chrysalis declared.

“But don’t we have to meet up with Rarity?”

“Of course. Let’s go meet with your friend.”

“You…”

“No Fruit Punch, I am not jealous. I can tell that Rarity finds you attractive, but I can also sense your emotions in you as well. I can tell you simply wish to catch up with somepony who considers you a friend. So no, this won’t be awkward for me either. I am quite looking forward to meeting Miss Rarity’s friends.”

“You emotion detectors.”

“Makes dating easier; I know you’re being faithful to me, and makes me love you even more, you sexy, little, loyal thing.”

Okay, Chrysalis is now at two hundred and fifty five successful flirts- nevermind, she just kissed me on the nose, and a second time on the lips.

Two hundred and fifty six points to Chryssy.

Why must you break my brain so often, dear?

‘Crystal Clear’ threw me on her back while I was in my stupor, magicked up a map, and started trotting off to what I think is Sugarcube Corner: Cafe and Bakeshop.

Author's Note

Well, now plans are set in motion. And now the dronee, being kinda naive and excited, are gonna try to attend a wedding.

and thanks to a very poorly worded letter, it’s gonna be seen as a threat!

I know, dumb way to get the invasion to happen, but it seemed like an oddly cute, funny thing at the time. So I wanted it to happen.

Meandering Thy Way Through a Marathon
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Not So Funny Story

Meandering Thy Way Through a Marathon

“So… this is Sugarcube Corner?” Chrysalis and I had made our way over to the cake building we saw earlier, where Rarity had told us to meet up. I tapped the wall to find that the building was simply made of painted wood that had been shaped expertly into the cake visage it usually has. At least it isn’t made of cake, right. The sign on the front also said ‘Sugarcube Corner’, so I am assuming that this building was, well, Sugarcube Corner.

“The map did say this was the address. Don’t you dare get that box of cookies; you’ve yet to fulfill your promise of ‘running the leaves’ as Ponyville dubs its annual marathon.”

“The things I do for the mare I love,” I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’m not craving sugar that badly.” That earned a nod from Chryssy, before we both walked inside the cake shaped building.

The first thing, so many baked goods, all of them look good. Ooo a double chocolate cupcake! No Fruit, no, no sugar. The last time you had sugar you literally didn’t sleep until five in the morning. The second thing I noticed was… Well, Rarity and five other mares chatting at a table, likely to kill time before I showed up. The wild Rarity in question noticed me quickly, since there was a bell to announce customers coming in and out.

This was a shop after all.

Chrysalis had decided to go sit in the corner, nice and out of the way. So I was left to trot over, alone, to a table full of women. Chrysssy already had her nose in a book, occasionally peeking out at me to make sure I… haven’t run off or something, I don’t know.

Way to feed me to the sharks, dear.

They were all staring at me, Rarity I already knew, but there was an orange one, a purple one, a cream colored one- you know, that’s a fun little thing I’ve just noticed. Two pegasi, two earth ponies, two unicorns. All you’d need is Princess Celestia and Luna, and you’ve got yourself the most inclusive friend group to ever exist. I really don’t like how they’re all staring at me, but it looks like they aren’t staring at me like ‘this guy is a creep’.

If anything, they look pretty friendly, but you never know with ponies. As I have read, they’re only kinda(very) racist towards everything that isn’t a pony.

“Heya,” I greeted. After my awkward greeting, I took a seat next to Rarity, and awkwardly waved at everybody else. God, I hate being in decently sized groups of people, or ponies.

“So yer this Fruit Punch fella Rarity’s been talkin’ about,” an orange coated, cowboy hat(or stetson if you’re a civilized cowboy), mare said. It woulda been more of a question, but I think it was pretty obvious to everybody here that I am, in fact, the stallion their friend was talking about. God I hate meeting my friends’ friends, it’s always kinda weird, and it’s even weirder since I barely knew Rarity, but I guess we’re on friendly terms, which would make us friends.

You know, the concept of friendship is fucked, fucked up, and weird as fuck.

“Yup, that’s me…” God this is awkward. I genuinely feel really out of place here. Like you could cut the air around us with a knife, it was that awkward because I had nothing to talk about, and I couldn’t talk about anything interesting about myself.

That would involve breaking several binds I have with the Crown.

“So you’re that cool, robber stopping unicorn that Rarity was talking about! She talked about how you had beaten up a robber and recovered her purse for her. About you went all ‘bam’ and ‘boom’ and-“ The pink one with a pink mane started speaking at a million miles an hour, pretty much retelling, in a rather childish way, what Rarity likely told her.

“And that you had just come into town today on a broken train, unexpectedly visiting Ponyville, and you’re here now!”

Jesus christ woman, you didn’t breathe after talking for sixteen minutes straight.

“Don’t your lungs need oxygen?” I asked, before the purple one spoke up. Pinkie shook her head, and I was floored. What kinda nonsensical, straight from hell, kinda pony are you?

“Say, you’re kinda familiar. You remind me of this one alicorn that acts like a big meanie, but is a big softy on the inside. The alicorn in question has a microphone as a cutie mark instead of a jack in the box. By random chance, are you two related? Because you two look exactly the same! Minus the wings, and the constant look of dead insideness that this alicorn I’m thinking of has.” Everyone, including the ponies who knew Pinkie blinked several times.

What the fresh fuck does this lady smoke? And where can I get some?

“Don’t question what Pinkie Pie does; it’s best not to question how she does the things she does either,” the purple one was sitting closest to me besides Rarity. She happily stretched a hoof, and I shook it. “I’m Twilight Sparkle, I’m also from Canterlot, but Princess Celestia had sent me here to study up on friendship.” I blinked a couple of times, before passing it off. Studying friendship sounded like something out of a kid’s cartoon to teach kids how to be friends through weird, abstract, really stupid means.

In other words, don’t question this.

“You’re uh… kinda rough looking for somepony living in Canterlot. I expected you to look… a lot more snobbish,” a Cyan, rainbow maned pegasus pointed out.

“Rainbow, I’m from Canterlot and I’m not a snob,” Twilight injected.

“Yeah, but this guy is apparently friends with Rarity. I just thought he’d be a bit more… pampered looking.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint at how snobbish I am. I mean, I only make burgers at a hayburger shop, do some studying, and also chat with Princess Celestia, or Luna, on the side. So, Funny Story about how I met them, right? I fell on top of Princess Luna during a ‘Great Galloping Gala’ or something. Dunno what it's about since I’m not native to Equestria, but it was a pretty fun experience. Six guards tried to kick my ribs in, and Luna tried to relieve me of my head.”

“Wait, you’re the stallion that tried to kill Princess Luna?” Rarity gasped, seemingly shocked about me being the guy, in the place, that might have accidentally done a thing that could be seen as very illegal.

“Well… it was an accident. I didn’t mean to fall on top of one of Equestria’s rulers from out of the sky. Plus I don’t think I’d be a free stallion if I were to actively try and kill Princess Luna. That lady’s scary a shit,” everyone flinched at my language. “Like hella fuckin’ scary. She could probably crush my head in her fetlock, blast me to the moon, blast me to pieces, or just stick me in jail if I were to actually hurt her. Whatever method she uses for my retribution, it’ll probably be fun and very painful.

“Plus I’m her friend, so I don’t see much of a reason to ‘attempt’ murdering her again.”

“You’re… an interesting stallion,” Twilight shrugged. We all sat in silence for a few moments.

A few long, long, long, awkward, makes you want to die, moments later.

“So Fruit, what do you do outside of work?” Twilight asked. The look in her eyes, and everypony else for that matter, screamed ‘please save this moment please’. So I took the bite and decided to give my best answer.

“I used to study… Pony psychology and body language. I originally came to Canterlot to… try and see if there are any schools where I could polish up my skills. Then I fell out of my chariot, and you know the rest.” Twilight’s Sparkle’s ears perked up.

“You like studying?” She almost squealed.

“Well, yeah. I like learning about things, and spend a lot of time reading stuff.” Mainly pony body language and psychology; I need to understand it better I silently added.

“Great. We found somepony who is almost as much of an egghead as Twilight…” Rainbow Dash groaned. “Let me guess, you two are gonna have a wonderful study session, and then you two fall in love and start dating, right?”

“Well, that would be awkward for Fruit,” ‘Crystal Clear’ said, trotting up to the table to wrap a foreleg around my neck, and nuzzling me. “For that would involve dating more than one mare at once,” Chrysalis winked at me.

“But isn’t it somewhat normal for stallions to have more than one wife? Or to be dating another mare while they’re married? After all, the male to female ratio is quite substantially different from each other.” Twilight asked, tilting her head. Okay, even if ponies are kinda racist, they are kinda cute, not gonna lie with you. Twilight then started going into detail about the higher birth rate of females, polygamy, yadda, yadda, radda, radda.

I leaned into Chrysalis and hummed peacefully as she continued to nuzzle me. We were gonna be here for a while. Nevermind, Twilight stopped a little earlier than I expected.

“I’m a… one mare kinda stallion. Where I’m from, polygamy is kinda looked down upon, and monogamy is the norm. Crystal Clear,” I planted a kiss on the mare's cheek and she froze up for a moment. Hah! Score! Only two hundred and sixty three more kisses and we’ll be even, dear. “Is more than happy with our current arrangement. Plus I'm more than happy with this arrangement as well.”

“More love for me!” Chrysalis had broken from her stupor and cheered, before fully leaning into me. Across the table, Rainbow Dash made a gagging noise at mine and Chryssy’s very public displays of affection.

“Interesting… You’ll have to tell me where you’re from later,” Twilight rubbed her chin. “Because even in oversea countries, ponies still tend to have a higher female to male ratio., so I’d assume ponies would still choose to practice polygamy.”

“You’ll… probably, if not, definitely find out eventually. Heck, Princess Celestia might tell you about where I’m from in the future.”

Twilight nodded. “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Fruit Punch. But we gotta get ready for the Running of the Leaves.”

“We do as well; I’ve always wanted to partake in something like the Running of the Leaves. It is a pleasure meeting you six,” Chrysalis threw me on her back.

Apple Jack, the cowgirl and apple farmer, and Rainbow Dash glared at each other for some reason.

I have the number four strapped to my ass! Woo! This must be what it feels like to be in one of those races, where you bet on which numbered horse will get what place, and then promptly wanna kill yourself because number six came in dead last after you betted your life’s savings on it coming in fifth place. That is… oddly specific, I know, but hear me out. I read that in a newspaper- I mean website, who uses newspapers anymore?

Ponies do. Wifi they have not, news websites they access cannot.

Chrysalis was sitting on her haunches with the number seven on her butt, which made me kinda sad, because now I can’t admire one side of her glorious flanks.

“Are you ready, Fruit?” Chrysalis pranced. “This will be so much fun!”

“Something tells me you like doing stuff that isn’t your queenly duties.”

“Of course. I love my Hive, and I would do anything for the great or good of the Hive, but I also like to do more laid back things such as this. Where I get to trot alongside my favorite little-“

“Hey!”

“-Stallion during a marathon. However,” Chryssy pointed at Twilight Sparkle. “I believe Twilight would like to speak with you, so I will allow you two to enjoy your time, and I will try to win a medal for you! Who knows? If you two are done with your conversation by the time I win, we can trot back down the road together, and then we can… chat.”

“As in make out.”

“I was trying to be subtle,” Chrysalis pouted.

“I know,” I smirked and pecked her on the cheek. “Good luck Crystal!” I trotted towards the starting line once called, and ended up right next to Twilight Sparkle of all ponies… Chryssy, you fucking planned this!”

“On your marks,” oh. Pinkie’s commentating. “Get set!” I didn’t even lower myself like everybody else. Just pace yourself, remember the advice you heard after sneaking into a track team’s practice, Fruit. Just trot along, and sprint at the end. Chrysalis, near the other end seemed to have the same idea, only bending her lengthy, very slim… sexy- what? Legs.

“Go!” A cloud of smoke kicked up, making me cough a bit, and it had quickly dissipated as soon as it had got kicked up. All that was left near the starting line was me, Chryssy, and Twilight of all ponies.

Chryssy pranced over to us, which was cute and kinda… God, I need to stop being entranced by my marefriend. It’s kinda hard not to be swallowed up by the sight of whoever you’re dating sometimes, you’re only attracted to them after all. Twilight had cheerfully greeted Chrysalis as we kept trotting our marry little arses through the forest.

“So… Fruit. You study pony psychology?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, Fruit Punch does. If he isn’t working, or spending time with me, he has his snout buried in a book on the subject! I constantly hear him mumbling about something as he reads, which I am assuming is comparing the psychology of other creatures!” Chrysalis’s eyebrows raised. “Quite the smart little pony if I must say so myself.”

“I would say I’m a bit of a novice when it comes to specifically pony psychology. I know more when it comes to… our more carnivorous neighbors, such as griffons.”

“Care to share a comparison? I would love to hear from an expert in those fields!”

“Nah,” Twilight kinda deflated. “I might really enjoy psychology, but I wouldn’t call myself an expert, and far from my expertise as a whole. Understanding how an entire species works is very different from my field, where I do my best to understand an individual. Understanding how a member of a certain species may generally act, but it isn’t a one and done thing, my friend.

“For instance, some ponies are rather timid, and others are very willing to stand up and fight if they are in trouble even if primal extincts may prevent them from doing so. Some are powerful rulers with almost nothing to fear, but are actually pretty fragile on the inside. Psychology is understanding how the brain works, not an easy layout for how griffins, ponies, or anything acts.”

“That… is a surprisingly good answer from you. It’s better than what most experts would say on the subject…” Twilight chuckled. “Like how all griffins are huge, money hungry, self serving jerks.”

“That’s incredibly racist.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, good talk, come now Fruit! We have a race to win!” I didn’t get to protest since Chrysalis started to drag me along by the tail. Ow! That’s connected to my skull you asshole!

“By the way Twilight, treat Princess Celestia like you would a friend, not a goddess; she’ll appreciate it- ow! Son of a bitch!” My tail is aching now, and my butt is broken.

Chrysalis and I, mostly Chrysalis, slowed her pace down a notch, and my tail was finally released. Now the forest we were running in was gorgeous. Tall, but not too tall, oak trees all crowned in orange and yellow leaves that fell as we ran down the path. Not a lot of leaves fell, but some did every now and then and it was enough to give a nice, quiet, serene feel to the path.

Good thing my ass was still on fire from it being connected to my tail, which was used to drag me along. So I got to enjoy it.

“Did you really have to drag me by the tail?” I grumbled, limping a tiny bit. Chrysalis’s eyes widened for a moment, and I was zapped with a green magical spell type of thing, and the pain in my rear began to dissipate, before it had completely disappeared. Damn, magic can do that? That seems really useful, and it’s a good thing that I probably won’t learn how to do that.

The amount of dumb, dangerous shit I would do to impress Chryssy and get away with it.

“I’m sorry, Fruity, I just wanted to get you away from Twilight for a bit so that we can chat. I was hoping to use this time to just walk and talk with you, and I plan on making good on that time,” Chrysalis’s disguise really helped with making me forgive the big buggy; she’s just so damn cute that I couldn’t help but forgive her.

And some time alone? In a forest? Hell yeah baby!

“So, I’ve noticed that you’ve made friends with Thorax,” Chrysalis started, bringing her voice down so nobody can hear us.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“Yes… and no,” Chryssy hummed. “On one hoof, Thorax finally has someling, or somepony in this case, who will be treating him nicely. Unfortunately it might put more of a spotlight on the poor drone since he is friends with ‘The Queen’s Plaything’. However, thanks to your verbal lashing of the last drones who bullied Thorax, I doubt any of that attention will be bad attention.

“In fact, most of the harassment sent towards Thorax is from Coaxa and his lackeys… and I do try my best to prevent such harassment, but I can’t be everywhere at once, and often, thanks to the Hive Mind we changelings have, and can tap into, Coaxa got away with a lot of the bullying. So luckily you did put an end to that. Noling wanted to ‘rat Coaxa out’, or else that little shit would’ve gone after them as well. So I couldn’t truly ‘confirm’ what was happening to Thorax. Especially since Thorax seems a little scared of me for some reason.”

“I just hate bullies. Yeah, I get why you’re feeling down, but putting somepony, or someling down, but that doesn’t give you the right to ruin somebody else’s day. Because all you’re doing is ignoring the problems you have, which is bad enough, and then giving somebody else problems. And sometimes those problems build for the person that’s getting bullied. It builds, and builds, and builds.

“And I’m not sure if Thorax would, but with the type of harassment that kept coming his way, getting worse and worse every time, he’d either run away, or kill himself… No other changeling besides Pharynx stood up for Thorax, right?” That received a nod. “Yup, that would just be a recipe for suicide, or Thorax defecting just to have friends. Even if those friends aren’t of the same species, or of another Hive that might be as likely to kill him as taking him in as a friend. It wouldn’t have mattered to Thorax, as that poor fella would want to just get out of the situation.”

“A very good set of points as to why befriending Thorax is a good thing… You still put three drones into emotional therapy, by the way. Very impressive; I heard the ‘verbal beat down’ through the Hive Mind, as did everyling else. It was very sexy, and very destructive to the mind of a changeling. How did you pick up on that so quickly?”

“They were calling Thorax useless, how he is of zero help to the Hive, and I figured the asshat was self reflecting. Low and behold, I was right, and used that to break Coaxa down.”

“And you say you’re not very bright.”

“I can read situations, and no matter the species… ” I leaned in. “Or universe,” I leaned back out. “A bully’s gonna bully, and bullies tend to have a lot of insecurities. I, however, kinda forget to think stuff through before I do it. I may have some decent insight thanks to my background, but I’m still prone to being really dumb all the time. Plus, despite knowing how I should talk to people, or ponies, I am still socially awkward even if I got a degree on how to be social or whatever.”

Chrysalis hummed.

“I just hated seeing somebody get beaten down like that; the little guy was being pushed around. I didn’t think about what I was doing and kinda… emotionally scarred somebody while protecting somebody else from something similar. I can give therapy sessions to Coaxas and his buddies to make up for what I did to them.”

“Don’t worry about it, but if you insist, I can arrange therapy sessions with you, Coaxas, and his two friends in the future.” Chrysalis reached over and planted a kiss on my head. “Just keep your verbal lashings at a simple, verbal slap. We don’t have enough emotional support drones for all the mental baggage you can cause!”

“Did we win?” Apple Jack and Rainbow Dash asked, panting, in a pony pile on the ground. It was kinda amusing, watching them come dead last, not just dead last, but a whole two hours after everyone else, and then being told they came in dead last by Pinkie Pie. Twilight had managed a respectable second, while Chryssy got third, and I had somehow got fifth place despite being right by Chrysalis. Despite what Twilight says, she has a good dead sprint. Not a long one, but fast enough to beat me and Chrysalis towards the end.

Damn those dead, very not alive, ghost ponies. Stealing my fourth place medal from right under my nose.

Everyone else was drained from doing a dead sprint the whole race, making the last leg really easy to win. Hence the three of us having a surprisingly good placement throughout the marathon.

Needless to say, this was a fun race, and we get souvenirs to remember the Running of the Leaves by. Rainbow and Apple Jack were shocked that a librarian had outran them, along with a fast food employee, and a unicorn that, if Chrysalis was a normal unicorn(or a unicorn at all), who should have far less stamina than the two of them.

“We should do this again next year,” I suggested.

“Good idea, but…” Chrysalis snatched me up again. “We are going camping for a week, until the train is fixed up!”

“Hey… let’s do something fun while we camp…”

“Oh? How about you, me, thigh high socks, and an all night cuddle session?” Chrysalis asked.

“Hell yeah! Bring on the cuddles!” We both pranced off deeper into the forest, where a tent had been set up by some random pony, likely a changeling, and crawled inside.

Author's Note

no, they didn’t have sexy times yet.

Some Advice
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Not So Funny Story

Some Advice

Sun shined down through the yellow and orange leaves above my head, peering down onto the book I was reading. I was currently just sitting beneath a tree and getting some reading in while Chrysalis had wandered off for the day, saying she wanted to ‘go explore’ while holding a coupon to a local spa behind her back. I would’ve gone with, but it was apparently Chryssy Private Time, so I was left to my own devices.

So I borrowed a book from the library, which was run by a baby dragon, and was reading a new book, one more based in horror, but so far, everything seemed kinda tame. Like the monster in this book just reminded me of… Well, a Scooby Doo monster. So to me, this was more comical than scary, despite it boasting ‘the scariest story of the decade’ while being released at the apparent start of the decade.

With fancy quotes from reviewers stating that this left them with Nightmares.

I was also kinda bored, as the characters were really flat, and the story seemed to heavily rely on this monster being nigh unstoppable. When in reality, it sounds like you can take a knife, shove it in the monster’s head a couple of times, and walk away unscathed. Now, I won’t hold that against the book, since horror movie characters must, not usually, must be complete idiots.

Also ponies are easier to scare than humans, hence why ponies are somehow more racist towards ponies, so what maybe tame for me, is way less tame to the mind of a pony.

I could rewrite Friday the Thirteenth, publish it as horror, and get a nice letter from Luna telling me to cease and desist. Also rewriting Friday the Thirteenth would be as cheap as rewriting Star Wars to get rich. And would probably put me on a pedestal or whatever if my adaptation is successful or not. So I’m not going to do that, mainly because Luna would kill me for making her job even harder.

Luna could apparently dream hop, not something I have not personally witnessed, or seen a Luna in my dreams, but given that I’m dating a magical bug horse in a land full of magical ponies, I’m not surprised at this point. Especially when my new country’s leaders are apparently goddesses that can control celestial bodies. Oh yeah, and when the world decided to take a shit and make skinned, ready to cook chickens attack, that was from some doomsday causing creature called Discord. Who, for some fucking reason, was kept on display as a stone statue in the Royal Fucking Gardens.

In other words, what the fuck is up with magical pony land?

I sighed and set my book down. God that was a drag… and it didn’t even take that long to read, which is a shame. Well, I might as well go back and return the book. Who knows? I can probably go explore town a bit.

It turned out that Twilight Sparkle actually lives inside of Golden Oaks Library, or the only library in all of Ponyville. I know this because I walked in on Twilight, sitting in the main lobby, ignoring a nice daisy sandwich while a couple books and a journal occupied her. I sat and stared at the unicorn as she flipped through a few pages in a book, writing it down in her journal with a quill constantly. She was doing all of this with her magic, which seemed a bit unfair.

I mean, I could just about apply my magic onto objects and hold them, since I only learnt how to use magic a couple days ago, and that was after having somebody skilled with magic(I think Chryssy is skilled at least) had taught me how.

“So…” I looked down at the baby dragon, who I now know is named Spike. “How far gone is… your mother? Sister? Cousin? What the heck is she in relation to you?”

Spike rubbed his chin. “How did you know I live here too?”

“You’re a baby for one thing,” I pointed at Twilight. “And somebody has to keep an eye on ya. Despite how old you probably are, I think you still kinda need an adult, pony or dragon, to show you the ropes of life. Even if you’re way more mature than anybody I spoke with at your age… Whatever that age may be.”

Spike raised an eyebrow before shrugging. “Well… It’s kinda weird. Unofficially, but kinda officially, I am Twilight’s personal assistant, but Twilight is kinda like an older sister to me. Since, when I hatched, Twilight was barely six and wasn’t ready to properly take care of me, so her parents did. Out of the other two children in the house, I liked hanging out with Twilight more, helping her find a book she needs… and then I actually became her assistant as she got older under Princess Celestia’s tutorage. Now I am Twilight Sparkle’s number one assistant!” Spike said, a bit of pride swirled up into his voice at his proclamation.

“Huh… That’s pretty neat, I guess,” I look at Twilight. “Think she’d notice if I were to bonk her on the nose?”

“Wanna try it?” Spike asked with a grin. Without another word, I simply nodfrf, and tiptoed up to the busy unicorn.

I reached over with a hoof, having successfully sneaked up on the wild Twilight, and booped the purple snoot. For a moment, Twilight had gone crossed eyed and went right back to hyper fixating on the books in front of her. So I did it again, and again, and again and laughed. God that is kinda cute, but also incredibly unhealthy. Like, you cannot get that invested in studying, ever, especially when somebody might feel like waltzing up to you and shoving a knife in your back or something. Luckily, I don’t think anybody around Ponyville would do that to Twilight, but it was still kinda dangerous.

“W-wha?” Twilight blinked, looking here and there, the items in her magic fell to the desk that the unicorn was studying on, and her eyes fell on me.

“Oh, so me actually poking you won’t get you to notice me, but a laugh will?” I chuckled, while Spike was rolling on the floor and wiping tears from his eyes. “Seriously, you focus way too much on studying… whatever the heck,” I looked at the book, barely lifting it up in my magic, and just about threw the thing while spinning the book around.

“Ah, yes, oceans. I know a lot about those?” I commented. “They’re filled with a liquid, that’s similar to the liquid every living thing on this planet needs to survive, but is so salty and poop filled, that nothing can drink it without dying.” That got a good giggle out of Twilight, which was admittedly adorable(why was every other pony in this country kinda adorable? Even Chryssy is really cute, and she has fangs that are as long as salad knives).

“Yeah… I just felt the urge to study the biography of the ocean; it’s pretty interesting. Surely, you’d get what I mean when I say that the ocean is an interesting place, and that you’d want to learn as much as you can about it.”

“Shouldn’t you… go outside? It’s a nice, lovely day, birds are singing, flowers are blooming. On days like this, ponies like you should be taking a light jog, or enjoy the scenery of this peaceful, little town.”

“Well… All of my friends are busy at the moment, so I figured I might as well do this. Want to join me? I know you said you like studying.”

“Psychology and body language. And while I do love learning about random, stupid stuff, like How Celestia’s ribs, just below her wings, are very ticklish. Or how Luna knows at least seventeen different languages, including a couple languages that, for all intent and purposes, are dead languages.”

“As in languages nopony even uses anymore… How do you know any of that? It’s like you’ve spent a decent amount of time around the Princesses, as a friend, privately.”

“I do on occasion. Sometimes after work, Luna and I chat for a bit, sometimes she teaches me a few words from these languages, and I have a lot of fun with that. Language is a huge part of history, it’s how history’s written down, and I love some history every now and then. I got invited over to the castle a few times and ended up tickling Celestia until she cried…” I chuckled at the mental image of what Princess Cadance must’ve seen:

Her aunt, one of the tallest creatures that Cadance has ever known, leaning onto a unicorn that’s below the average height for mares, while crying and catching her breath.

Boy did Celly get me back; my hooves are ticklish apparently.

“That…”

“Is why you should treat Celestia as more of a friend… She’s your teacher right?” Twilight nodded. “Your Princess?” Another nod. “Well, your Princess is probably sick and tired of being treated… basically as a goddess all the time. I know she wants to get ponies to relax around her and treat her like, well, a pony. Luna is in a similar vein, even if she is a bit more reclusive than Celestia is.”

I patted Twilight on the head, she was staring at me like a child would stare at candy. “As somepony, who would like to think he’s good friends with Celestia and Luna, do this for me, and for them. While speaking with Celestia or Luna in private, relax a little, joke a bit. They’ll love it. Underneath all that regality, titles, and wisdom, lies two ponies who’d love friends, not worshippers or subjects.”

“Oh dear Celestia…” Twilight trailed off. Huh, didn’t know Celery’s name was used in sayings like that. “I know! I can send Celestia a letter, and ask if she’d like to chat over some tea!”

I chuckled. “I bet she’d love that.”

I stepped out of the library, leaving Twilight to write her letter to Celestia, and took a deep breath. God this town was nice, it was so much quieter than Canterlot. Who knows? I might come here when I retire, and, hopefully, live out the rest of my days with Chrysalis before I eventually pass… on. Oh fuck.

Chrysalis has stated that she's been around for several ‘lifetimes’. Chances are, those are normal pony lifetimes, which means Chrysalis has to be pretty damn old at this point. And while she did look amazing for her age(she was hot as fuck), that did leave me wondering… What will happen when I pass away? There’s a solid chance that Chryssy will look as young as she does now, while I’m old and gray, and probably will look the same when I’m long dead.

Will I be remembered for anything? Will Chrysalis remember me at all in a hundred years? Will I be able to make anything of myself? Hell, can I make a difference in the world? Make it better than when I entered it and whatnot. I doubt it, but that won’t stop me from trying to leave the world better when I found it.

God damn, that is a lot to think about. So much so that I didn’t notice that I had ended up in the marketplace somehow. Well, I didn’t notice until I bumped into a sign that had marked the entrance to the marketplace.. Well, when you’re feeling down, or just a downright existential crisis like I am right now, just buy something sweet and forget your worries! Haha… that’s how I do things at least. I don’t need to let anybody know about what I was thinking about.

My emotions weren’t worth stressing over.

Oh look! Candied apples! Oh my… Only five bits? I trotted on over, just to realize that Apple Jack’s the pony running the stand.

“Howdy der Fruit’ Punch! How can Ah help you today? You kinda walked into the marketplace lookin’ like y’allre about to have a mental breakdown. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah. Everything’s fine,” Apple Jack raised an eyebrow. “I just need something to clear my mind, and I think one of those,” I pointed at a candied apple. “Would help me clear my head.” I pulled out my money pouch and quickly got five bits out with my hooves.

“Okay… but if somethin’ on yer mind, you can tell me. It’s not good to keep yerself all bottled up, or else ya’ll explode all over the place.” I handed over the bits, and I was given that candied apple in return. “Say, ain’t you gonna hold that in your magic?” I looked down to the apple’s stick in my hooves.

“Uh… No. Why?”

“Ah figured as a fancy, Canterlot dwellon’ unicorn like yerself wouldn’t want to get your hooves dirty.”

I laughed. “I work in fast food. I couldn’t give less of a shit when it comes to cleanliness beyond brushing my teeth and taking showers. So what if a little caramel gets stuck in my fur? Pretty sure Crystal would just groom me, and find it more enjoyable when I taste faintly of caramel.” I took a bite from the side of the apple, like a normal person and hummed.

Jesus christ this is the best thing I’ve ever eaten. Yeah, it’s sugar on an already sweet fruit, but the caramel’s so god damn good! And the apple is unlike any apple I’ve eaten. Apple Crack, what the fuck? You too? You stick crack into your food too? If so, keep doing it, I love the taste of cocaine-laced-shit apparently.

“Ah take it you like it?” I nodded. “Want another? On the house!”

“Uh…”

“Yer a friend o’ mine, you get a discount.”

“But…”

“No butts, Mister. Yer a friend ol’ Rarity’s, and it seems like Twilight likes ya, so ya can’t be that bad. Ah’d like to think we’re friends.”

“The friend of my friend is my friend?”

“Uh… yeah, something like dat. Ya’ll Canterlot folk and your fancy sayings.”

It was a quote I saw from Star Wars, shut up Mom.

“I think I’m good on sugar today, Apple Jack. Thanks for the offer though.” I took another bite from the side.

“You can eat the whole thing. The stick is a cinnamon stick,” Apple Jack commented.

“But the core-“

“Is safe to eat. Are you even a pony?” AJ was now glaring at me through half lidded eyes.

“Yeah. This is like, the first time I’ve had a candied apple in forever. I kinda forgot how to eat these things.” Technically, that wasn't a lie!

“... Sure thing, partner.” I quickly wobbled off before Apple Jack could question me further. That pony is scarily good at catching half truths. I shoved the whole candied apple in my mouth(huh, the core IS edible and the best part), and at the whole thing including the stick, before running-

Ow… Ow… Fucking hell! I groaned, rolling onto my side, taking a moment to let my vision clear up. What the shit hit me? I opened my eyes, to see Apple Jack facing three fillies, and probably yelling at them. I don’t know because my head was ringing, and my ass feels like it’s broken. Along with everything, anything connected to, or is a part of my body. My vision cleared up by the time I sat up, and my head wasn’t ringing nearly as hard.

“Mr. Fruit Punch?” I looked down to see the three fillies, one of which was wearing a bicycle helmet and I could kinda put two and two together if my head didn’t feel like it’s been skullfucked really hard. The orange filly looked like she was about ready to apologize simply because she was told to, while the other two looked genuinely sorry. “We’re sorry for hitting you. We weren’t looking where we were going,” the unicorn walked up to me and nudged me with her head.

“It’s fine,” I groaned. “I’ll just ask Crystal to hit me with a healing spell later, and I’ll be as good as new,” I patted the unicorn on the head. “Just watch where you guys are going while traveling at terminal speeds next time. Why were you guys in such a rush?” I asked, tilting my head.

“We were going to go get our diamond mining cutie marks and… then we crashed into you- wait!” The orange one looked at her flank and sighed in disappointment. “No crashing into pony cutie marks!” She sighed. So if I know cutie marks, it’s that they’re supposed to kinda help define who you are, and what you’re good at. Something that you love to do, and insanely talented at that thing you love doing. Finding who you are… I can’t help but sympathize with that, when back in college, I was finding out who I want to be.

“So… you kiddos don’t have your cutie marks…” I hummed. “How are you going about it?”

“Just trying things and seeing if we get our cutie marks, and nothing seems to be working!” The pegasus stomped her hoof on the ground.

“Look,” I sat up and placed both hooves on the kid’s shoulders. “If you can’t get your cutie marks, what’s the big deal? Your life isn’t defined by being good at something, or whatever magical mark appears on your flank one day. What matters most is what you do with yourself; be the best pony you can be, and be good to others.” I chuckled to myself. “I remember when I once struggled with finding out what I was good at. It got so bad that I couldn’t fully appreciate what I already had going for me. And while cutie marks are awesome, you shouldn’t stress over them.”

“That…” the orange filly looked up into my eyes. “Sounds…” she never broke eye contact. “Lame!” She pushed my hooves off her shoulders, got on her scooter, and called her friends to her. In moments, those children were gone.

“Fruit!” I turned around, seeing Apple Jack was still around. “Ah must say, that was pretty sound advice even if it fell on deaf ears.”

“Eh, I hope that those kids at least listened to some of what I said. But if they didn’t, it’s whatever. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” Apple Jack raised an eyebrow. “It’s a saying I’ve heard over my travels. Kinda means that you can offer to help somebody, but you can’t make them accept the help.” Apple Jack nodded. I waved a hoof. ‘Well, I’ll see you around.” I turned and trotted out of the market.

“Fruity!” Wait, wha- Chrysalis, under her usual disguise, walked up to me, threw me on her back, and began trotting off to where we were camping. Why do I let this happen? Well, Chrysalis is capable of murdering me, but that isn’t why. You see, I feel really safe here, like nothing can hurt me while I’m being holstered on this bug’s back. And, what’s even better, Chrysalis smells like chocolate cake right now, and makes me actually want to be her even more than usual.

“Why do you smell faintly of depression, Fruit?” Chrysalis asked, coming to a sudden stop. We were in the middle of the forest, so Chrysalis had quickly sat down, and undisguised herself. “Is something wrong?” she nudged me. “Well? Please tell me; it would help if you did.”

“Will… you outlive me?”

“It… Oh, I see. You wonder if I will remember you when you are long gone, correct?” She asked, pulling me close to her chest. “I can taste how you’re feeling, Fruit. I know that’s what is bothering you. And the answer is yes. I remember many lovers, and I will especially remember you. You are the only pony I have chosen to date, that would be willing to date me, as… this, and not as somepony I am disguised as. For that, I already love you, and I will keep loving you even while you are old and gray.” My ears flattened, and she nipped my neck. Both of my forelegs popped out from under me.

“Oh? A spot to remember?” I was now blushing, and currently trying to bury my face into her neck. “But just know Fruit, my hearts will remember you, and will forever beat for you. There will be some nights where I might long for your embrace long after you’ve passed on.”

“Chrysalis?” I looked up at her. “I love you.” I nuzzled into the big bug.

“I know,” she whispered, holding me tighter.

Neither of us slept in the tent that night.

Author's Note

bug horse is best therapy horse.

The Royal Wedding
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Not So Funny Story

The Royal Wedding

Finally, we were moving again, the train’s fixed, fueled, and up and running. So now I was sitting in a train car with Chrysalis, who was currently drooling all over me, and it was night time. We were currently sharing a train car with Twilight and her friends, who were mainly going to Canterlot because Twilight’s brother was getting married. All six of them were knocked out, while I was simply unable to sleep, thinking about what the heck I’m gonna be doing with my last week off of work. Because having that much accumulated free time at any point just seems completely unheard of to me.

I slowly read a book on magic, while doing my best to stay open, it wasn’t much fun to read, but I needed to learn how to actually make use of my magic now that I can kinda do it. My telekinesis isn’t exactly up to par yet, so I was making use of a book stand that Twilight was nice enough to let me borrow. It was kinda hard to turn the pages without disturbing my marefriend, but I made it work. Currently I was on the ‘magic training section’ where you spend a lot of time improving your control over your magic.

As it turns out, everypony has a set amount of strength in their magic. Granted, not all of that strength is tapped into very often, and some are obviously stronger than others. Magical training, and magical lessons are more about tapping into all of a unicorn’s magical potential, and then helping said unicorn learn how to control their magic. For instance, Twilight Sparkle was apparently incredibly powerful and had a lot of ‘magic reserves’ to tap into. All while having tutorage directly from Princess Celestia herself, giving Twilight a lot of power and then a lot of control over that power.

One thing that drove magic was… your emotions. While more skilled unicorns can tap into every bit of magic needed, without being bent on emotions, emotions did play a role. The happier you are, or other positive emotions, usually your magic is more stable. When shocked, your magic will be more sporadic with quick bursts of strength, at least when using your magic to do something. It was kinda neat, since hate and spite could be used to fuel a special kinda magic, which was apparently so inherently horrible that the most skilled unicorns in this magical field… could be as bad, if not worse than Adolf Hitler in terms of how awful they are.

Dark Magic, powerful, mysterious, and apparently easier to learn than normal magic, but could taint the heart and soul of the user.

So I’m staying the fuck away from that even if humans are usually very hateful and spiteful.

I turned a page with my magic and silently cheered to myself! I just used telekinesis in a pretty controlled manner! A stupid little grin grew on my face as I quickly flipped the pages to the index and looked it over… A page on magical augmentation? That sounds fun. I flipped through the pages once more, feeling proud of how much more controlled my magic was after doing magic, training warm ups for the last three hours.

Oh… this is something straight out of Star Wars. If a unicorn so desires, they can augment certain things about themselves, speed, strength, reflexes, anything about their physical body really. Granted, they won’t reach an earth pony in terms of strength or endurance, or a pegasus’s agility and speed, but it can be helpful in… combat. Well, I doubt I’ll need to know how to do this, but I do like the idea of being just a little faster at making sandwiches at Hayburger. So I began to read-

“Fruit Punch,” Ugh... My head.

“Fruit Punch…” That was Chrysalis.

“Fruity, you cute little thing, wake up! We’re in Canterlot!” My eyes shot open. “And you need to see what’s going on!” I shot up and… the city is covered in a pink, magical bubble kinda thing. Huh. Was this for the wedding? To make it so, if it rains(which would be odd given that their are weather schedules, with ponies who are more than capable of controlling the weather to match those schedules), but perhaps the wedding was scheduled for a day it was going to be raining, and the ponies involved wanted it to be nice and clear.

I hopped out of my seat, using a tiny bit of that magical augmentation while performing the action, and hummed. That was ever so slightly easier than doing that usually was. Well, might as well attempt that at every opportunity until I start feeling migraines, a sign of magical fatigue. And I’ll keep doing it before the migraines because the more you do something, the better you’ll get, right? Plus it might actually help with my magical endurance. So this will be a fun little practice bout.

“Any idea as to what’s going on?”

“No, but I assume we shall figure it out upon exiting the train.” Chrysalis nudged me. “And don’t think I haven’t noticed you practicing your magic last night; you’re already attempting to augment your physical abilities.” The disguised bug clapped her hooves. “Hoohoohoo! You’re learning quite quickly! I cannot wait to begin teaching you more advanced magical theory when you become more used to using magic!”

“But isn’t Fruit a unicorn? Shouldn’t he already know how to use magic?” Twilight asked, overhearing our little conversation.

“I couldn’t exactly use magic until recently, never had an interest, nor the money to really get proper tutoring in the subject. Crystal offered to teach me, and so far has done a good job. Even if her teaching method involves having me read this book and practicing what’s in it,” I shrugged. “Though I do learn best hands- hooves on, so I don’t mind.”

Nobody caught my slip up.

“And I got him to ignite his First Spark! Oh, to think that only a mere week ago you were struggling with it! Now look!” Crystal pointed at the book in my telekinesis. “You at least have the fundamentals of telekinesis, even if it does appear to be a bit weak, but control and strength develops over time.”

“A unicorn who didn’t like using magic… that’s a new one,” Twilight murmured before struggling. “Well, c’mon girls, my brother said he’d meet me at the castle gates when we get off the train!” Chrysalis and I looked at each other. “And I suppose you two can come along, I’m willing to bet that Shining Armor would love to meet you two as well!” Oh. Would now be a good time to tell Twilight that her brother is currently the fiance to a Princess? According to her, she didn’t even know Shining Armor was getting married in a week until yesterday.

Meh, Shining Armor, you’re fucked on this one.

I shivered when we passed through the magical bubble.

Wow, the wild Twilight Sparkle is scary. Twilight had just spent the last four minutes berating Shining Armor for not telling her about the wedding. Like Jesus, some of the insults being tossed towards the captain were really funny, and the only kinda insults siblings could share with each other. And while the guards did their best at showing it, I could tell there was a slight amusement in them seeing their boss being yelled at. Even Chrysalis could feel how some of the guards found the whole situation to be really fucking funny.

Shining Armor went on to explain who Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is, Cadance, and how he wanted Twilight to be the ‘best mare’. Shining Armor gave a nod to me and Chrysalis, mostly me, before leading us through the gates. A pony passing by got scanned, but none of us, all seven ponies and a disguised Changeling Queen weren’t scanned because Shining Armor gave us special clearance… and holy shit, that is some bad security.

What if Shining Armor is an imposter? What if, y’know, one of the ponies who got that special clearance… could fucking transform? I mean, I’m glad, since it woulda been awkward to explain why I was dating a changeling, mainly because everyone who isn’t a guard would run and hide, while the guards would try to assault my marefriend, but still, this is about the equivalent of wanting to stop a mass shooting at a firearm awareness convention, and not stopping anybody to see if they’ve got a concealed firearm on them.

After passing the main walls of Canterlot, we quickly ran into Cadance, who used to apparently babysit Twilight apparently. The two of them did a little chant and giggled together when a dumb little idea came to mind. Chrysalis nipped my ear though, probably sensing, and then easily guessing what was on my mind. I chuckled before making a zipping motion with my mouth, and ‘tossed the zipper’.

“Ah Fruit Punch! I was wondering where you were!” Cadance trotted up to me. “I sent a couple of letters to your home, but nopony was there. Except for an old bowl of oatmeal,” I side eyed Chrysalis, who gave me a cute little smile, the kind you’d give when you just got caught. “I was hoping to get you to help cater for the wedding.”

“Wasn’t… Apple Jack doing the catering?”

“Ah was told that Ah’d be helping with the catering. Not doing all the catering.”

“Wait, you know Princess Cadance?” Twilight interrupted yet again.

“Kinda, she’s seen me around.”

“And chatted with me over tea, often with one of my aunts around, played a round of mini golf with me, and most importantly, had catered at my wedding announcement dinner party. I must admit, I am a little addicted to those little… pie things. What were those?”

“Pizza?”

“Yes! Pizza! Though it didn’t seem like any kind of pizza I’ve ever had.”

“That’s because my pizza’s a family secret recipe… wait a second. I gotta cater again?”

“If you could, it would be greatly appreciated. I’ll even pay you for your efforts if that’s something you desire…” Cadance patted me on the shoulder. “However, if you don’t wish to, it’s fine. We’ve got Apple Jack, and I’ve heard of how legendary the Apple family is at cooking… We’ll just have to leave Apple with most of the work…” a slight wink ended that. Celestia, stop teaching your niece how to fucking manipulate people, you big, white, sun raising bitch! I sighed and shrugged.

“Guess I’ll make pizza for your wedding,” I glanced over at Chrysalis. “Wanna help out? I bet the two of us could get all the catering done in an hour or so.”

“Of course. I want to see how you make your ‘family secret recipe’ pizza,” Chrysalis’s tone implied that she wanted a lot more than just that.

Chrysalis and I had made bagel bites. Well, not exactly bagel bites, but they were pretty much bagel bites. I got a bunch of burger buns, laid out the sauce and toppings for the pizza, and then stuck them in a room that was enchanted to keep the pizzas cold for a while. Then, when the bagel bites were needed, we could pop a tray or two in the oven and they were fresh and ready to go… I just invented frozen pizza in Equestria. It took blood, sweat, and a lot of kissing, but I basically invented frozen pizza in Equestria.

So now that my part of the catering was done-

Cadance had just burst through the doors, doing the whole ‘make sure my wedding is planned out well and not have it horribly wrong’ thing. Cadanced seemed to really like anything and everything Apple Jack made, and even sampled some tomato soup that Chrysalis had made for the wedding as well. Then she walked over to me and squinted her eyes. I chuckled as she looked over my very empty table that should be covered edge to edge in food and snacks.

“Fruit, did you even do anything?”

“Okay listen, pizza is best fresh out of the oven. I’ve got a bunch of pies in the cooler room, all of which are ready to pop into the oven. I can get a tray and prepare some for you to try if you want.”

“That would be nice… oh my,” she followed me into the walk-in and noticed seventeen trays with the bagel bites, twenty a tray, lined up on racks.

“Would you believe that I have thirteen more trays being worked on?” I pointed to Chrysalis, who was eying her work like a cat, putting together bagel bite after bagel bite, tray after tray. “Nevermind, Chrysalis got those thirteen done. I’ll make you an extra bagel bite or two to sample, sounds good?” Cadance simply nodded, and I went and got to work. Bun, sauce, cheese, and a couple bits of banana peppers, the most popular topping at my pizza cart when I actually sold pizza. I kicked the oven closed and set a timer for ten minutes.

“Ah must say, whatever is in that oven, smells pretty good, Fruit,” Apple Jack said from across the room, laying icing out on the cake she had just finished making.

I just sat around awkwardly, waiting for the timer, and… oh, there it is. I took the tray out, and there were six bagel bites. Chrysalis, being the lady she is, snatched one with her magic before stuffing it in her mouth. “Hoohoo! That is good!” Cadance grabbed a bagel, and I offered one to Apple, low and behold, they both liked it.

“Okay, these being more bite sized makes it even more addictive! Are you certain that you don’t wish to be a royal chef? I hear Auntie Celestia hoping that you open up your food cart again, so she can grab a pizza for herself! Heck, even that pasta you made was pretty good, but that’s more of a meal thing than a snack you’d find at a party.”

“Fruit will be opening up a food cart again shortly after the wedding… I’ll make sure of it,” Chrysalis grinned and I felt my heart drop. “No worries Fruit, I will assist you. I’m aware of how stressed your test run was.” Oh great- Apple no, put that tray down, that is for the fucking party- Apple? Apple!

Apple Jack stuck another tray of bagel bites in the oven before I could stop her.

Okay, I hate suits. I hate how they look, I hate getting them tailored, and I hate being used as a mannequin for my own suit. Okay, I don’t hate suits, and I do look kinda okay(Chrysalis threatened me with sex after seeing me in my suit), and the suit is really comfy. It’s just the fact that inorder for me to get this suit, Rarity had tracked me down and poked me with needles after measuring me for the last hour. And the worst part of all of this was the fact that I wasn’t even supposed to wear the suit until the wedding.

That was my payment for catering, an invitation to a ‘royal wedding’, and I was kinda okay with that. While I wouldn’t be super close with anypony attending, I was at least kinda friends with the bride, and kinda knew the groom. God, I am probably gonna hate the party, since if it’s a royal wedding, then that means a lot of snobs are gonna attend the party, and it’s a shame too. Since Pinkie planned a party out that looked super fun on paper, but probably won’t be fun because a rich asshole will complain about how a pinata is for the common folk.

And… now we just wait, I guess. Wait for the wedding in two, maybe three days, and wonder what I’m doing with myself. I could end my vacation a little early and work for a couple days, but my boss said ‘you best enjoy your month off, or you’re fired. Don’t try to end your vacation early or I’ll give you an earful, ya hear?” Hence why that isn’t really an option. I know Mr. Mint was joking, but like, still, that left me with two days of doing nothing.

At least Chrysalis and I had gotten offered to stay in the castle for those two days!

And… Here we are! Sitting in the back row, waiting for the wedding to begin. Twilight was happily standing with her brother, waiting for Cadance to finally walk in. Chrysalis was sitting next to me, in a dress that made her look very lovely, while leaning into me. This is kinda nice… Oh god, what would our wedding look like? I know Chrysalis was planning on marrying me, and I want to marry Chrysalis, but I don’t know when we can do that.

A bunch of banging broke everyone’s attention.

“Oh dear…” Chrysalis shivered and shot up.

“Chryssy?”

“Fruit, there are currently ten thousand drones above Canterlot right now.”

“Wait wha?” Shining Armor staggered as the sound of glass shattering echoed through all of our ears.

“Fruit Punch, get behind me, and do not-” Chrysalis was struck with a purple beam. Twilight was looking angry… and Chrysalis was now undisguised, and had been knocked out of her chair. I quickly panicked, hopped out of my chair to try and help my marefriend up.

“C’mon Chrysalis! We need to get-” hell broke loose.

Don’t Hurt my Bug Horse
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Not So Funny Story

Don’t Hurt my Bug Horse

Outside I could hear the pounding of changeling drones rocketing down into the streets of Canterlot, everypony in the wedding room was staring at Chrysalis with fear, shock, and anger. Twilight, and her brother, who had quickly recovered from his shield spell being shattered by means of brute force, were glaring at Chrysalis with their horns ignited. Chrysalis was still laying on the ground, but had lifted her head up, even if it seemed like she was still kinda dazed by Twilight’s hit. I was still trying to get Chrysalis up and out of here.

In a flash, Princess Celestia stepped forward, talking about how foolish it was for Chrysalis to show herself and to ‘mind control’ me, before making a lunge. In a flash, Chrysalis got to her hooves, slid me underneath and behind her, and swung her horn to try and parry Celestia’s horn. The two locked horns for a moment, with Chrysalis seemingly gaining the upper hand while I just sat in shock. Where Celestia had just slammed down into, was where I was standing.

I almost died.

Shining Armor ran in to try and help his Princess and Twilight and her friends had ran off in order to retrieve something called the Elements of Harmony. Hell, even Cadance broke into the wedding room, in her wedding dress surprisingly, and… Me and Chrysalis were cornered. With a growl, Chrysalis quickly hopped over, and almost landed on top of me. A green shield quickly blocked three spells and actually withheld the blow…

Not very well, but it withstood a hit from Celestia.

“Fruit, on the count of three, I want you to run out of the castle and have one of my drones retrieve you. I may be filled with all the love you’ve been giving me, but even I cannot withstand two alicorns, a rather strong unicorn, and the Elements of Harmony all at once. I am going to die… And you will as well if you do not flee. Tell Pharynx he shall-”

A spell broke through the shield and struck both Chrysalis, sending her right into me, and we rapidly skidded towards the wall. A split second before Chrysalis got knocked out, she grabbed me in her legs as we both got slammed into the wall. I was breathing heavily, holding my head with one hoof and holding Chrysalis with the other three.

Chrysalis was knocked out and had cushioned my impact… Chrysalis, you stupid, stupid bug! You just stopped me from getting crushed! You know what, you pony motherfuckers, if there is one thing you don’t do, it is make a human angry.

“Hey!” I jumped to my hooves, with the only thing that’s keeping me from shivering in fear is the adrenaline coursing through my veins. All three of our attackers didn’t let their guard down, but kept staring at us. “Why the fuck, why the ever fresh, living hell are you three immediately attacking somebody for basically no reason? Chryssy ain’t a pony, so what? Celestia, I know you know what I actually am, and you let me roam the streets freely!”

“You don’t drain ponies for love-”

“So Chrysalis and her drones may have drained a few ponies in the past, but the point is, they definitely changed. Tell me, does draining a pony kill them?”

“No, a pony usually will recover from being drained in about a week,” Chrysalis coughed. I quickly took a glance at Chrysalis and my heart sank. Chrysalis’s carapace was cracked in a few places, her mane was a mess, and I could tell just how much pain she’s in. The smell of iron stung my nose while I nuzzled her.

Celly, if we weren’t friends, I would’ve attempted to murder you by now.

“However, mine, and my Hive’s relationship with Equestria isn’t all daisies and blossoms, Fruit. This is partially why. Ponies see something similar, but very different from them, and they immediately hate and fear that thing.” Chrysalis said, holding me rather tightly... She was as scared as I was about the whole situation even if she was better at hiding it than I am.

“You drained ponies until they could barely function, and it took a full week of laying in bed to recover!” Celestia argued.

“And Chrysalis fucking changed, you fuckin’ bitch! While I can’t prove that I’m not being mind controlled, look at me. Take a good look, because I’m mostly unscathed,” aside from you bastards slamming my girlfriend into me. “If Chrysalis wanted or needed the power to kill all three you asshats, and everyone in this room for that matter, I would’ve gotten drained immediately. On top of that, Chrysalis has gone out of her way to keep me safe during this whole engagement. Chrysalis thinks of me as something more than a food source, your Royal, Fucking Highness. And for this whole invasion-”

“So where’s the wedding?” Sixteen drones asked simultaneously as they crashed through the windows, one of which I recognized right off the bat. Thorax hopped and skipped over to me, along with the other drones and stopped at the sight of their Queen.

“What’s going on here? We thought our Queen was hosting her wedding in Canterlot!” Thorax asked innocently. The other drones weren’t so happy about seeing their Queen being a battered, bloody mess on the floor.

“Guys, why did you invade Canterlot?” I asked.

“We thought you and Chrysalis were getting married, and thought you didn’t invite all of us!” Thorax cocked his head. “But then when we arrived, Canterlot had a really impressive shield spell casted over it, like someling was trying to keep us out. We even sent a letter in advance to let the Princesses know that we weren’t coming to attack, we just wanted to attend the wedding. Heck, some of us found a pony to cuddle with while we waited for the wedding to start.”

Outside, Fluttershy was happily cuddling with two changelings at once, while her friends sat in shock. “Oh my goodness, these creatures sure are friendly,” she squealed when one of the changelings nuzzled into her cheek and dozed off.

“Fluttershy, those are monsters!” Twilight shouted.

“They aren’t monsters, Twilight. Like any creature, they just want to be loved,” Fluttershy said with a small little smile. The other drone that had claimed the shy, little pegasus had licked the mare’s face like a puppy, and the pegasus giggled. “See? Whatever these guys are, they aren’t too bad!”

Twilight couldn’t believe this! How could Fluttershy be so easily won over? How... is that oddly adorable. Twilight hummed, wondering about the benefits of securing a changeling to cuddle with.

She’ll just have to test it out... for science of course!

Everyone in the room just stared at Thorax the whole time, mostly the Princesses, until Chrysalis started laughing like an idiot.

“Well that would explain why the entire Hive is here!” She sat up with a groan. “Princess Celestia, I know you and I do not have the most… smooth past, especially when I dumped you AND Luna after three months of dating nearly a thousand and six hundred years ago, but we can end this without any more bloodshed. I can remove myself, my Hive, and my coltfriend from Canterlot at the drop of a hat, and we can chat shortly after today.”

“Or,” I butted in. “Can we negotiate some kinda peace?” I cocked my head. “I mean, Chryssy, you, and Luna were having a threesome at some point. So clearly we can all get along, right?”

Celestia stared at me with half lidded eyes. “Fruit, we are in public…” a smile threatened to break her public mask. “But I suppose we can work towards some sort of peace treaty.”

“Good. Because I would like to keep my friends AND my marefriend, your highness,” I trotted over to Chryssy and nuzzled into her. “Can we get Chrysalis to a hospital first? I’m no doctor, but I don’t think Chryssy should be bleeding, or have her carapace cracked in several places. And I dunno if you’ve noticed, Celly, but I would like to not see Chrysalis in pain. I’m only dating her and stuff.”

“Treating my wounds does place pretty high up on my priority list, but first, I must know if any of my drones-”

“Your Highness!” Pharynx crashed through the ceiling, because I guess using doors is overrated. “Just about every drone has secured a pony,” Pharynx glared at me. “And decided they wanted to test the benefits of cuddling said ponies.”

Fluttershy has secured sixteen changelings.

“So noling aside from Chrysalis is hurt?” Chrysalis had long since laid her head down to get some rest, using me as a nice, pony shaped pillow.

“No, thankfully.”

Well, guess I’m stuck here until somebody moves Chrysalis.

“C’mon, you big bug, let’s get you to a hospital,” Shining Armor said, lighting his horn. Without hesitation, I slid out from Chryssy’s unconscious grasps, and got in between him and my marefriend.

“Hold it, bucko,” I stepped in between my Chryssy and Shining Armor. I didn’t trust this fucker, and my head hurt.

“I need to be able to get to Queen Chrysalis-“

“And I want you to promise you will not lay a hoof on Chrysalis, cast anything other than levitation on her, and make sure she is treated well,” I hummed for a moment. The captain nodded. “Good. You break that promise, and I will know if you do, I will personally find out where the fuck you live, and castrate you. And I will make sure you’re conscious throughout the whole process, start to finish. Got it, Shining Armor? You will know nothing but pain.”

Shining Armor backed up for a moment, keeping that confident, captain mask he’s wearing. “I-I don’t think you’re in a-any position to make any threats, Fruit. I can let Chrysalis bleed out.”

“Shiny, don’t argue with that stallion… I can tell just how much Fruit, for whatever reason, loves Queen Chrysalis,” Cadance chimed in.

“Fruit Punch!” I turned to see six droves all carrying Chrysalis with their horns lit. “We have the Queen, would you like to accompany us to the hospital?” Pharynx asked.

“You’re-“

“You’re the Queen’s play thing. She’ll likely request to see you even if she will be healed in the next hour and a half,” Pharynx stated. I blinked a couple times. “With how much love you’re feeding the Queen, she’ll be healed in an hour or so anyways. Changelings have a healing factor that only kicks in when they have high amounts of love, or in this case, a pony play thing that supplies said love.” The drone explained.

“Alright… I’ll come along,” a hoof tapped me on the shoulder.

“Fruit,” Shining Armor sighed. “Look, sorry about assaulting you and your marefriend friend, but for all I knew, a monster was mind controlling you and preparing to use my wedding to take over the kingdom.” Shining Armor’s ears flattened. “I know I would be pretty angry if somebody attacked Cadance out of nowhere.”

“I… I can forgive and forget. Remember though, if you hurt Chryssy at all in the future, I will make due on those threats my good sir. In fact, I’ll do that and then some... How are you feeling about listening to Saddleback?” That was the equivlelent of Nickelback in Equestria. Their music was actually really bad though, whereas nickelback was tollerable

“Don’t need to tell me twice!” Shining Armor backed away to hide behind Cadance, who was currently chatting with her aunt.

“I hope you know that I will be teaching you how to defend yourself,” Chrysalis said, now good as new, sipping on a cup of tea as we reentered the wedding room. “With how willing you are to fight for me, you may as well learn how to fight properly. I am going to be teaching you changeling martial arts as your magic isn’t up to par yet, and most changeling fighting does not rely on magic.”

“Fair. Would it be wise to also look into Earth Pony fighting techniques.”

“Perhaps. If you get good at magically augmenting your physical strength, then Earth Pony martial arts may serve you well,” we both took a seat. Now Chrysalis had a new dress, which more matched her natural form, and my suit was undusted. We were also in a brand new wedding room because all the windows in the other room were understandably broken. Turns out changelings, unless they’re Chryssy, just really don’t like using the front door.

“I would also look into guard training for defense if I were you. While your size makes you adorable, it is quite disadvantageous in a fight… guard training would be useful.” Chrysalis hummed. “I’m also assigning two guards to you. Then nothing will harm you, and if something does, it is because I already got killed.”

“I don’t like thinking about that. We both nearly got killed a couple of hours ago,” I shivered. “Had you not moved me when I did.”

“I know,” Chrysalis picked me up and held me closely. “Let us enjoy the wedding for now, and forget what transpired today, okay my dear?” I nodded. Chryssy cuddles were the best therapy; a step above changeling cuddles because I was actually cuddling a big changeling!

Now was a good time to mention that most of the changelings, after being told who the wedding was for, left. Leaving only a few to collect the love from the wedding.

And sixteen drones who had apparently taken a liking to Fluttershy, like two drones had been petted until they fell asleep by the mare, and it was kinda cute-

No, it was fucking adorable.

Okay, Royal Wedding done, Cadance and Shining made out, and now it’s time to party. Of course, because it’s a royal wedding, every snob was just standing around and idly chatting with each other about how rich they were. Most ponies in the room avoided myself and Chrysalis like the plague. Thorax was off somewhere, playing with Pinkie Pie, and everyone who wasn’t said drone was bored.

Aside from Fluttershy who was currently fawning over how a changeling managed to turn themself into a big, plush version of their natural form. How the fuck did Fluttershy manage to get sixteen drones to love her so quickly is beyond me, but I’m not complaining. I’m not jealous; I only want to hold a changeling right now because of how cute they are.

Pinkie got bored and pulled a DJ from the middle of nowhere and a nice little piano started playing from the vinyl record that had just started playing. Luna came in out of nowhere, asking if she missed anything. Up until her eyes fell on a very undisguised changeling and her eyes widened. “Chryssy! It hast been ages! Where hast thou been all this time?” Luna ran up and stole my marefriend, so that’s pretty cool, just as the song picked up into a more ‘party based’ song.

“Love is in bloom,” Twilight started singing, and what the heck. Are all ponies just randomly capable of singing and sounding good? Even my singing voice wasn’t terrible when my little musical happened. I’m so glad that Luna stole my girlfriend just as a dance was about to happen, because now the two of them were off in a corner giggling and chatting with the other like old friends… So why did Celestia try to assault Chryssy on sight?

Maybe friendship and harmony is all about murder, blood, and death. If so, then that was something my humanity can understand.

I walked up to the speaker system and was happy to know that my ears were properly violated by the sheer amount of bass being pumped out of the speakers at this current point and time. I grabbed a microphone and managed to find a piano off to the side because. So I set up my little thing and hummed. I tapped a key and… wow, this is just as easy to do without fingers than with fingers. Chrysalis and Luna had trotted over to my little corner and started watching me, as did everyone else in the room.

Oh, no pressure at all.

Well, there’s that stage fright cropping up, oh boy. I chuckled and started playing the only song I knew. Scared of dentists and the dark and what not, pretty girls, yadda, yadda yadda.

Despite everything in my body telling me to stop and jump out the nearest window, I stayed and played this stupid little song as Cadance and Shining Armor went off to… What will probably be their honeymoon, or if ponies are into doing things viking style, go home and have a sexy time. Either way, it didn’t matter since now the song was done. I started quietly laughing to myself as everyone in the room applauded, likely Twilight’s performance and her brother getting married to a Princess.

I hopped out of my chair and fell flat on my face. I go sleep now. I sleep so I no has heart attack. ‘Kay, g’night!

Everypony was wondering where Fluttershy went, but she was under a pile of changelings in the garden now. These bug horses were just hers now, and nobody was complaining.

Author's Note

And thus, The Royal Wedding comes to an end. If things didn’t end peacefully, Shining Armor would be getting castrated while being forced to listen to Photograph, but it’s off key.

My Training Arc Has Begun
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Not So Funny Story

My Training Arc Has Begun

I quickly worked my way through a large order at work, making use of magical augmentation to make myself a little faster than usual. I could only really augment myself for ten minutes at a time, but that’s why I’m training this type of magic while at work. Because if I mess up, it’s whatever, and I can just work without the augmentation. And eventually, I should get good at augmenting myself by just doing this everyday. Plus it got a fun reaction out of Flip whenever I did it.

“Dude, how are you working even faster? What in the actual hay?” The colt asked as I moved an entire fifty bit order out to Mr. Mint.

“Learnt how to use magic, and then learnt that I can make myself even faster with it!” I chuckled. “Honestly, this sorta thing came to me easier than telekinesis,” to make my point, I made a sandwich with said telekinesis and was almost slower than Flip was when he first tried making sandwiches for an order. “See?”

“That is… so weird. Nopony, unless they’re training for the guard, has worse telekinesis than the ability to physically augment their movement. And even then, it’s such an obscure magic that I doubt the guard even has that as the forefront of guard training!” Flip hummed. “I could be wrong though; I’m obviously not guard material…” We both sighed in relief now that there weren't any customers. Post lunch rush, less ponies.

“So… You’re dating… a Changeling?” I nodded. Yeah, okay, so the news of changelings spread like wildfire, and fortunately for me, news of Chrysalis, who she was, and her ‘consort’ spread as well. Meaning I’m kinda notorious now for dating the big, bad bug. “And she can be anypony if your dreams.” I nodded. “That sounds awesome! I bet Chrysalis would love to be a naughty Princess Luna for you.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool. If I want to, I can go ahead and date Celestia without speaking a word to her!” I laughed to myself before I looked the kid dead in the eyes. “Seriously though, that isn’t why I’m dating Chryssy, in fact, I prefer an undisguised Chrysalis over any of her disguises no matter how sexy they might be. I love that bug for what and who she is. Chryssy and I met when I thought she was a unicorn, a really pretty one, but a unicorn. And if I’m being honest, I woulda started dating that unicorn if she were a changeling or not.”

“Hey, I respect it. At least you’re dating royalty of some kind, right?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” I pointed to our two new changeling coworkers. Skitter and Scatter, who I immediately recognized, and were also assigned to guard me. “Because Chrysalis thinks I’ll run at some major, world ending monster, while screaming my name as loudly as possible, she gave me a couple of guards. And plans on training me in some martial arts.”

“”That… sounds awesome! I wanted to learn some basic guard training, and eventually join the royal guard, but my magic isn’t the greatest, and I’m not in the greatest of shape. Also, that changeling’s better at grilling than I am!” Flip pouted as Skitter had expertly, and swiftly, moved the hay patties into a warming pan. The bug

So Mr. Mint gave my drones a job, since they were gonna be here anyways, and they immediately became his favorite employees. Obedient, quick learners, fast, and efficient. And, because of how many ponies ended up cuddling with a changeling during the ‘invasion’, were well received by our pony customers.

Especially Scatter since her job was to just sit out in the lobby and look cute.

Boy did that to attract a lot more ponies.

On the downside, Mr. Mint was struggling to pay them, not because the business was failing, but because changelings really didn’t see a need for money. Unless they were Chrysalis, and even then, Chrysalis never spent money on anything that wasn’t a dress or chocolate. Maybe some actual food if Chrysalis feels like eating solid food for once. And we couldn’t even pay them with love since Scatter gathered love from the customers who thought she was adorable and shared it all with Skitter after work.

They were never hungry, everyone thought Scatter was adorable. Even me. Fuck, I went out of the kitchen in between rushes while customers ate, and gave Scatter a belly rub. Immediately afterwards, ponies looking in from outside walked in and demanded they get to do the same. And then those ponies promptly smell the food and proceed to buy some of that food. So we just kinda gave them money anyways, but it always ended up being thoroughly spent on nothing but crossword and word search books.

As for why, I don’t know.

“Sir,” Skitter tapped my shoulder. “I’m just reminding you that your first lessons in changeling combat will begin shortly after work. Scatter and I will be teaching you. Will there be any questions?” Skitter asked. It was now much later in the day, almost time for my shift to be over. Flip had clocked out earlier, only having a four hour shift today. So it was just me, Skitter, and Scatter working the kitchen.

“No-“

I hummed.

“Can we stop for dinner afterwards? And also, will I be bloodied and bruised by the end?”

“No sir. I can heal any injuries I accidentally cause. And I say accidentally because we’re just going over the basics. So there will be little physical contact. As for dinner, yes, we can stop for dinner as Queen Chrysalis gave us the bits to do so…” Skitter paused. “And Chrysalis will not be able to personally train you for a while; she’s dealing with some political talks with the Princesses.”

“Eh, I think I’d get my shit kicked in; I’ll get distracted by Chrysalis’s legs.”

Skitter smirked. “They are very nice legs sir. A pony of culture, I see.”

“A ‘ling of culture, I see.” The two of us chuckled. Man, getting along with changelings is really easy. “Wanna give me a general idea of what changeling combat is like?”

“Well sir, because changelings can fly, use magic, and are physically strong, it’s a matter of combining all those elements into being something quick, efficient, and lethal. However, since changelings are not particularly good at magic, or flying, or have the same hardiness and strength as Earth Ponies, it involves a lot not fighting directly. So instead of brute force, you get a try to get a lot of sucker punches in.”

“That sounds unfair.”

“You are talking about changelings. We don’t play fair; especially if we want to kill somebody.”

Fair.

“And since you clearly lack wings, we’re only doing a third of the lessons, as you lack a great deal of mobility for more advanced changeling arts. Luckily, myself and Scatter know basic unicorn and earth pony martial arts, so we shall be supplementing your lessons with some lessons of pony martial arts.”

“Man. How’d you think I’ll do?”

“By the time me and Scatter are through with you, you should be able to kill three trained guards.” Oh. “Need help sir? That order is huge.”

“Nah,” I said as I got half of it done.

“It is a good thing you’re fast with your hooves; changelings rely on speed while fighting. So you’ll do just fine.” Skitter smirked when an order twice the size of that was just handed to us on a piece of paper.

Son of a bitch.

After work, Scatter and Scatter had led me to some castle training grounds, blah, blah, blah, coltfriend of the Queen, Skitter and Scatter were technically apart of Equestria’s military yadda yadda. Anyways, we found somewhere to begin my combat training, and I was honestly kinda excited. What kid didn’t want to learn karate and go Bruce Lee the shit out of somebody? I certainly wasn’t a kid who didn’t want to learn kung fu and kick ass, look cool while doing it, and get the cute girl in the process.

“The first thing about changeling martial arts, is there are many, many for different intents and purposes. While I doubt we have enough time to explain each in depth, some are simply impossible for ponies to do because they can’t do transformation magic as naturally as we can, or because pony and changelings joints are very different,” Skitter began to explain. Scatter decided to bend her foreleg in six different spots before straightening it back out and moving it good as new.

Huh.

“As you can see sir, changelings have more joints than ponies, and thus certain grapples in a specific style of fighting are impossible for you to do… If you mind having to break your forelegs, spine, and pelvis everytime you wish to hold somepony down and pummel them with your hindlegs,” Skitter smirked as I shivered at the thought.

“So is that why you haven’t given me the name of any changeling martial arts? We’re just gonna put them under an umbrella and teach me the things I can actually do?” I asked.

“Indeed. The first thing is distractions that you’ll learn. Often a changeling will cause a distraction, either with magic, or transforming. Just anything to catch an opponent off guard to deliver a, usually fatal, strike. Do you know how to throw things with your telekinesis?” Skitter asked, summoning a ball from one of his saddlebags. I nodded and threw the ball, only for it to be caught in an acid green aura, and brought back to where I was standing.

“Good. I want you to throw the ball at me, and sucker punch me as hard as possible,” Skitter instructed.

“But…”

“Sir, this is to test how strong you are physically, and I can take it. Not only am I trained for fighting, but I have a much stronger exterior than the average pony. Not to mention sucker punching is quite huge in changeling fighting.”

“I don’t wanna hurt you though. You’re my friend.” Skitter shook his head with a small smile.

“As your friend, I want you to be able to defend yourself. And in order to do that, I need a baseline on your physical and magical capabilities. This will be how I get that baseline…” Skitter wrapped a foreleg around me. “And I can taste your reluctance, but this is something you have to do.” I nodded, before taking a deep breath as Skitter stood back from me. Scatter sat nearby with a first aid kid. I took a couple more deep breaths to calm myself.

In an instant, I threw the ball as hard as I could and ran up to Skitter. By the time he had dodged the ball, I was already in his face, and I punched as hard as I could. The changeling’s head jerked back at the impact, and a huge smile formed on Skitter’s face despite being just punched in the face. I, however, felt horrible and immediately pulled the changeling’s head into a hug while totally not freaking out about the whole thing.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! Oh god! I didn’t hurt you too badly did I-“

See? I’m not freaking out. I only repeated those thirteen words six or seven times, while Skitter was partially just happy to let me hug his head for so long. I, on the other hand, was busy being masculine and not caring that I had just punched my friend in the face. No, I wasn’t still apologizing, what are you talking about? We both settled on the ground, and Skitter had managed to calm me down by actually nuzzling my cheek.

“Sir.” I stopped not freaking out, and looked down at the changeling in my arms. “You are going to do just fine in what I’m teaching you,” Skitter grinned. “You’re fast, and your telekinesis isn’t too shabby. Your punches, while not the strongest, can probably be improved and changed into multiple, quick punches. Which isn't saying that your punches are weak, that one punch did kinda hurt.” Skitter hummed.

“You-“

“No sir, I am not ‘bullshitting’ you. You’re not too shabby. However,” Skitter gestured to me. “You need to stop feeling bad about hitting me when I had asked you to hit me.” Scatter was snickering in the corner. “Sir, with all due respect, I think even when you’re fully trained, you probably wouldn’t dare hurt a changeling or anypony because you think they’re cute. And yes, I know about your origins. Those were disclosed when I was assigned to you.”

“Listen, it’s your fault for having such big, cute eyes and little fangs.” Skitter and Scatter took the opportunity to make their eyes bigger. “God dammit guys!” I laughed as I rested my head on my changeling’s shoulder. Yes, these are my changelings, you can’t tell me otherwise.

Unless you’re Chryssy, I guess.

“I suppose I shall have to end today’s training. Just know that tomorrow will be a bit more rough.” I cringed a little.

Yeah, just a little more rough, Skitter had taught me more offensive maneuvers, while Scatter taught me more defensive maneuvers and even how to make magical shields. And honestly, today was going well since it was a day off, as I had apparently ‘learnt enough’ in the ‘changeling gonna changeling and kill somebody’ to start sparring. And you know, just a little more rough means this:

“Oof!” I grunted as Skitter had body slammed me. The wind in my lungs was suddenly not there anymore and I was gasping for air… I struggled a bit while Skitter simply sat with a stoic look on his face. Holy. Fucking. Shit. On. A. Stick. This is fucking awesome! Haha! This felt good. I sat up as Skitter got ready for me to go on the offensive, and totally not get body slammed again.

“Sir, you fight like a nymph.”

“Fuck you.”

“I thought you were doing that with the Queen. It would be awkward-“ Skitter stopped when he was pinned to the ground.

“Get distracted, bitch!” I grinned in triumph.

Scatter clapped her hooves, which got a raspberry from Skitter in return.

How mature.

“Good distraction, sir,” Skitter said as he got up and dusted himself off. “Despite my taunting, you are doing exceptionally well given you’ve just learnt everything you’re doing today, well, today.” The changeling patted me on the back. “And you never got mad when I tried to make you mad; which would leave you to make mistakes.” I just gave Skitter a look. “Sir? Is everything okay?”

“Skitter, you physically wouldn’t be able to make me mad unless you tried to kill Chrysalis. I worked in fast food, as a manager for ten years. I have heard some of the most vile, disgusting, downright awful shit that made me either angry or wanna kill myself. I’ve been told to kill myself, called slurs that would make ponies seem accepting and nice, and have literally had somebody throw shit at my face before. I’d like to think that I can control myself even while I’m mad after going through all of that.”

Skitter and Scatter blinked a couple times, before looking kinda shocked.

“... You can sir, I sensed some anger even while you were struggling to hit me early on, and you remained composed. I am quite impressed.”

So what have I learnt about changeling martial arts?

An offense should always be brutal, and accurate, but never rely too heavily on strength; it leads to openings. Every strike needs to be precise. Hit a pony in the leg? Hit a joint several times to damage, and possibly break said leg. Wanna kill somebody? Go for the throat. Spins, summersaults, all that fancy jazz was completely out of changeling martial arts; they were unnecessary movements according to changelings. And given that changelings had needed to be able to also compete with earth ponies should they need to fight said earth ponies, every bit of stamina and strength mattered.

Undermine an opponent’s defenses, don’t take them head on unless you got numbers.

Flips were cool, but you don’t need to flip in order to break somebody’s neck.

The body slam that Skitter told me about, was meant to incapacitate without having to put a lot of strength into a hit. And from doing that, you can pummel, stab, stomp on, or kick the shit out of your opponent while they regather air. Which was genuinely something I needed given that my punches ‘lacked raw strength’ according to Skitter. Holy fuck, Skitter of thought teaching me that, for that exact reason, within twenty four hours.

Magic was almost never used outside of creating distractions to set up for sucker punches. Or the occasional cutting spell, for again, a distraction.

I love changelings.

Also, unsurprisingly, when it comes to a changeling’s defense, it was light and efficient. A spell? Use a shield. Strong spell? Use a shield and redirect the spell to the ground or away from you. That second bit was good for low powered magic users, or for not needing too much energy to block a blow from what could potentially be an angry alicorn. It was something that, in Scatter’s words, worked best for weaker magic wielders like me.

Also for physical blows, changelings took a similar approach to magical defense. Don’t take hits directly. Dodge when possible, and parry strikes if needed. It helped for a pony of my smaller stature, which made me harder to hit, and more maneuverable. I'm also kinda shocked that Scatter not only thought of that, but taught me some things in the specific martial arts that follow this lightweight defense.

The only problem is that I can still easily get overpowered with these fighting styles. Like shove me against Celestia, and she’d still bulldoze through mere strength. Like I can dodge, weave, and kite all day, but I will eventually lose if I cannot quickly take down my opponent, or can’t get a lot of sucker punches in.

It was all honestly really fun, and good exercise.

Tomorrow, Skitter will be teaching me a set of martial arts that are suited best for earth ponies. If only for footwork and to help build leverage into my strikes. And Skittles(Yes, a nickname I just came up with), was more versed in fighting like an earth pony due to his favored disguise being an earth pony, and his general lack of reliance on magic.

Scatter would be teaching me some unicorn martial arts, because she was basically the opposite of Skitter; more reliant on magic, preferred being a unicorn when disguised. If I get body slammed again tomorrow, that’ll be fun. Like, no bullshit, wrestling a changeling who will body slam you after pinning you is fun, and really good motivation for getting better.

And of course, because I am super lucky, after training, I get to sit in a meeting room where Celestia, Luna, and Chrysalis discuss the terms and conditions of her Hive being a protectorate of Equestria. Meaning I get to sit, listen to boring political shit, and slowly, and deliberately, beat my head against the table. There was a bright side to this, however.

I didn’t talk much, and Chrysalis mostly just held me closely.

“At this point, I’m gonna drug all three of you guys and forge your signatures on a treaty or something. Just fucking agree on something already!” I pouted and crossed my forelegs. “I’m only here because Chrysalis wants to use me as an emotional support animal. So I might as well hear shit get done.”

“D’aw, is the little foal grouchy?” Celestia teased.

“Fuck you.”

“Watch it mister, you are already on thin ice for calling me a ‘Royal Fucking Highness’. if you’d like, we can make due on fucking my Royal Highness.” Celestia grinned at my pout becoming that of shear shock. What the fuck, Celestia? You’re a princess and you’re making jokes like that? Sounds like my type, but unfortunately for you, Celly, my Princess is in another castle… As in this one, who was now growling at Celestia.

But seriously, what the fuck, Celestia?

“Now, Celestia. Must I remind you who this stallion belongs to?” Chrysalis snarled.

“Can we not share him? I like Fruit’s cooking,” Luna hummed. “It would be like old times, you know.”

“Nope. My stallion!” Chrysalis held me closer… Y’all are lucky that Chrysalis Cuddles makes me very cozy and agreeable. Especially when… I… get really-

I started snoring in Chrysalis’s arms.

Author's Note

at some point, i will try to make to make a mini chapter, or author’s note on what exactly Fruit is learning in depth. From moves, styles, yadda ydaa.

If I don’t, then i probably forgot XP.

Just a week in my life.
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Not So Funny Story

Just a week in my life.

Politics. Never got into them, never wanted anything to do with them. I mean, either way you go most of the time, you get fucked. So you must be lucky to know that in between working, training with one of my guards(Chrysalis was preoccupied. You will know why soon), and planning the next items to sell along with pizza next time I rent out a food cart, I was sitting in a bunch of political meetings. What were they about?

Changeling integration. On one hand, apparently Luna and Chryssy are best friends. On the other hand, apparently Chrysalis and changelings feeding on love is very problematic. Because, despite there being proof(me) that changelings don’t need to drain ponies of emotions for substance. What? A changeling can just get emotions through cuddles, which is the strongest method, or just by idly absorbing emotions while being in the background.

I would know, I’m only dating a changeling queen. I hit my head against the table as the talks seemingly went nowhere. For once, I just sat and listened instead of knocking myself out.

I groaned as Celestia pointed out another horrible thing that changelings apparently did in the past. Something about destroying the landscape by draining emotions from everything, plants, animals, anything, which destroys the environment of an area apparently. Everypony at the table looked at me as the table shook from how hard my head hit the damn thing. It was something outlandish and stupid sounding too, like how changelings had stolen all the socks from a village once.

“Fruit. If you are going to act like a child, we will have you sit out on these meetings,” Celestia said in a warning tone. That would be a mercy, pinky.

“Why am I here again?”

“You are a foreign, national leader’s consort. As such you have to sit in these meetings to remain informed. Can you act your age and not pretend like these meetings go on for too long?” Luna, Cadance, and Shining Armor were present. Something about how they are all rulers of Equestria or whatever, so they have to attend. Luna looked like she was only up because of the cup of coffee sitting before her, which was more like jello because of how much sugar she dumped into it before the meeting.

Cadance and Shining Armor just didn’t like Chrysalis; she ‘ruined their wedding’.

“Celestia, you keep pointing out bad stuff in history books, and that’s all this meeting has been about. The things that changelings have done in the past, regretted, and have likely learnt their lessons already. My marefriend is here because she wants to actually be allies with you. Yet you drag these meetings on, all week, almost everyday since the wedding, and get nowhere! I get it, changelings fucked up, but-“

“Fruit, the changelings have killed ponies in the past.”

“Because those ponies attacked us!” Chrysalis snarled.

“Shut the fuck up, the two of you! Seriously, shut up.” Chrysalis stared at me in shock, while everypony except Celestia looked equally as shocked. Celestia was just surprised. I rubbed my forehead for a good minute, just wondering why I haven’t jumped out of a window yet. Seriously, being in the hospital would be more fun than these meetings. “Celestia, does everypony in this room know what I actually am?” The Princess nodded. “Okay cool. Wanna hear some of the shit my previous species has done? Because I guarantee-“

“Fruit I doubt your species has done anything nearly as bad as destroying the environment,” Cadance tried to argue.

Keyword: Tried.

I just started laughing like an idiot. In fact, the laugh went from idiotic, to almost maniacle because of how fucking funny that statement was. By the time I had stopped laughing, I was wheezing, and Chrysalis was rubbing my back. I wheezed again, and suddenly I had enough room in my lungs to begin speaking again. I chuckled a couple more times, because… Humanity as a whole? Yeah, killing a pony or two will look like child’s play. I looked Cadance in the eyes.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go with that. Did you know that the highest kill count in human history is six million? All of those guys weren’t of a different species by the way. We humans love killing each other. By the way, it’s a number that’s just accredited to one guy, right? Yeah, men, women, and children. It doesn’t matter, if you existed and didn’t like the guy, poof, dead, mysteriously disappeared.” Everypony blinked before shaking their heads. “Cool, has anypony ever gotten close that?”

“The highest death count from a war nearly a thousand years ago… barely even a thousand. Though that isn’t the same as a genocide… That would have a death toll of twenty thousand.” Celestia answered.

“Neat. Highest death toll from a war with humanity, before anyone asks, amongst ourselves is at least fifty million. My point is, humans are worse than changelings and I get to walk freely.”

“But you didn’t commit any of those crimes, did you?” Celestia nodded when I didn’t answer. “I rest my case-”

Celestia’s muzzle was then clamped shut by Chrysalis’s magic.

“Fruit, I appreciate you making an attempt to get us on the path towards negotiations, but your efforts are all for naught.” Everypony in the room shushed Chrysalis, but that didn’t deter her. “Seeing as you hit your head on the table, so hard that you knock yourself out when you do it, every meeting, we all figured that it would be a fun prank to see how long it would take for you to notice our meetings were for nothing.”

“But-“

“We had a treaty made and signed in three days. The Royal Sisters are only older than calendars, while I’m nearing two thousand years old. We can work out treaties reasonably well, even if I am personally rusty on the matter. Whenever you knock yourself out, our yelling and disagreeing quickly turns to catching up!” Chrysalis grinned at me as my face probably screamed this:

“Bruh, what the fuck?”

“C’mon Chrysalis, we wanted to see if we could reach a month!” Shining Armor groaned.

“Well, excuse me for wanting to spend time with my coltfriend alone, outside of a meeting room, instead of watching him waste away while we continued to make a fool out of him.” Chrysalis stuck her tongue out. “Now,” Chrysalis happily turned to Cadance. “Wish to trade stories of times where we broke our lovers?”

Cadance grinned. “I knew we’d get along just fine, Queen Chrysalis. I bet Fruit is embarrassed easily!”

“This one time I caught Fruit singing in the shower-“

Kill me.

It’s been nearly a week since the last meeting, and thank god that it’s over. Like holy shit, it was awful, and then it was all for nothing! Leave it to three of the smartest, and oldest people I know, to play an elaborate prank on me, and then proceed to keep the prank going on for three weeks straight. Like that was kinda funny, but that’s three weeks I coulda spent… doing anything really.

I got to work, train some, even have plans made for the next food cart with the goal to be able to buy whatever I rent out. And next week I’ll be seeing real, potato fries as a side to my pizza.

Also that whole ‘let’s embarrass our husband and coltfriend’ meeting Cadance and Chrysalis had right afterwards left me and Shining Armor as red as tomatoes. So I’m glad that that very political meeting is over and is forever behind me! On the brightside, more time for training! Training is always super fun, and my teachers are the best. And today would mark the first month into my near constant training for the month!

Can’t wait-

“Fucker!” I fell on my side and clutched my stomach. Skitter was just sitting off on the side, Scatter had found popcorn, and both of them had watched Pharynx kick my ass. Apparently I was getting ‘good enough’, but not ‘good’ because I, like a man, broke down and stopped any sparring matches I had the moment I hit Skitter or Scatter too hard. Like, I know my buggy friends can take the punishment, but I don’t like hitting them.

It made me feel bad.

Pharynx on the other hand? Fuck that guy, always calling me stupid, kicking my ass, and hitting me so hard that I often get knocked out by the fourth sparring match. Today, I managed to last six sparring matches, and even managed to pin Pharynx down during one of said matches. As in the last match I pinned Pharynx down, so said Pharynx put a dent in my pride really quickly after I managed to do that.

And my stomach, my stomach also has a dent in it too now.

“Not bad, pony. Not many can contend with me for very long,” Pharynx actually helped me up for once! “Especially ponies…” Pharynx didn’t even shove me back into the dirt, even if I wanted to go lay down somewhere. The changeling got really nice and close to one of my ears. “I actually kinda respect you. You best make good use of this training and keep Her Majesty safe, though. Or I will-“

“Kick my ass?” Pharynx nodded as he backed away.

“Pfft, if something touches Chrysalis, it’s because we all died trying to protect her,” I looked Pharynx dead in the eyes. “I will not hesitate to fight for Chrysalis’s well being, trust me.” Pharynx simply nodded.

“C’mon, training drill for the day is over, let’s go get some water, and go get some rest for the day.” The drone started on his way over to a bench where our things were.

Now that, is something I can get behind.

“So how do I actually rank?” I asked. The two of us sat on a bench, I quickly emptied my bottle of water while Pharynx only took a sip from his bottle. Now we were alone, aside from my bodyguards lurking somewhere in the bushes.

Now my stomach feels better! Thank you, magical water!

Pharynx shrugged. “In terms of technique, you’re just shy of some of the Hive’s more skilled fighters; I would say… just shy of Skitter after Skitter had trained for just over three months. Even if I can read your movements, whereas Skitter was nigh unreadable.”

“Oh neat.” Better than I thought I was!

“However, you seem to lack raw power in your strikes, which can be problematic. Now, for changeling martial arts, it’s not that big of a deal, and you’ve got the speed to make up for it. Work on magically augmenting the power behind your punches, pony. That will go a long way.” I nodded, before saluting the drone. While I don’t thoroughly enjoy the guy’s presence, he is straight with me. If I suck, he lets me know, and will tell me how to improve.

The fact that this guy and Thorax were brothers shocked me.

One was a giant teddy bug, and the other was a massive asshole.

“Also, I will not fully blame you on this, since you can’t be fully taught in the martial arts you’re learning, but you’re using rather basic, to moderately advanced techniques even if your speed more than makes up for it. And you are a bit predictable, so work on that; predictability gets you killed in a fight. Mix up your sequences from time to time, say instead of a right uppercut every dodge, a left hook.”

“Now, I could work on that, or I could kill the threat to death before it can recognize any patterns in my fighting style.”

Pharynx actually smiled! “I suppose you’re right, and you probably can kill someling before they become a threat…”

“Say, why don’t you changelings enhance your speed, or even strength while fighting?” I asked.

“We changelings simply cannot do so.” What. “We can transform, make illusions, heal, and use telekinesis. And even then, aside from transforming and illusions, our magic would be very comparable to… an untrained unicorn at best that had just learnt how to use their magic. Heck, at best, Chrysalis only rivals The Princess of Food in terms of raw power. Hence why the magic used in our martial arts forms is so… simple in application. Because most changelings, just ignoring transformation and illusions, can’t do more than a simple application of telekinesis.”

“So a changeling’s martial arts plus-“

“Magically enhance your strength and punch me,” Pharynx instructed. I did as told, and the changeling grinned. “I know what your question is, and yes, magically enhancing your strength while doing what you usually do in a fight, is a deadly combination with your speed. Keep working on that magical augmentation.”

“Been doing it at work to make sandwiches faster.”

“Good. You can only enhance your strength so much, however, so I will be gaging how well you can hold the augmentation spell while preoccupied. As in I throw things at you, and you dodge them while holding an agility spell.”

“Just… tennis balls with those tests, right?”

“... Yes. I would use bricks if I didn’t have to return you to the Queen unharmed….” Thank fuck! Pharynx pushed me off the bench, and disappeared when I sat back up.

For once in my life, I had a day off of work, and was given the option to not train. Did I say option? I meant that Chrysalis had taken notice of how I pretty much only worked or trained, and forced me to go do something else. So, like a smart man when given a day off work, training, or exercise, I decided to rent out another food cart. This time, I plan on buying the fucker so I did my best to stock up on ingredients for pizza, potatoes, and a pot along with some cooking oil. Something about this cart, while it sucks, makes some amount of sense when you think about it.

You see, the oven in this thing is a tiny bit weaker than the other cart I rented out. Instead of twenty minutes, because portable ovens in Equestria are shitty, it takes about twenty five minutes to cook a pizza, and thirty for extra crispy crust. Now, I only found this acceptable because the food cart also had a stove built in, so I could use it to fry… well, fries. On top of that, the portable oven had more racks, so more pizzas could be made at once even if making only three at a time gave the best results.

Also the cart had a built in open and closed sign that worked on neon lights! I didn’t even know Equestria had the technology for neon lights!

So here I am, waiting to fry my first batch of proper fries, none of that stupid hay fry bullshit, but actual french fries. I had three pizzas under heating lamps, and I was now sitting in one of the many food courts in Canterlot. It was still around eleven, so the lunch rush was about to begin. Low and behold, a few ponies in the food court, slowly turned into a dozen, and that slowly turned into a shit ton of ponies. Then that downgraded to a fuck ton, did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. Anyways, the food court was packed now, and ponies seemed to default to their favorite restaurant.

Logically, I closed my cart for a bit to whip up a batch of my secret weapon:

Brownies.

Meanwhile, Celestia was in the middle of doing paperwork, and then a knock on her office door caught her attention. “Yes, Ms. Inkwell?” The diarch asked as her secretary walked in the room.

“Your highness, it has been reported that Fruit Punch has opened up another food cart, would you like me to clear your schedule for lunch, and the next hour?” Ms. Inkwell asked, looking up from her clipboard. The two of them sat for a moment while Celestia contemplated such a hard decision. “If you do, we will have to move Day Court back an hour,” Ms. Inkwell informed.

“I’m sure the nobles will understand if we postpone Day Court. Would you like to join me, Ms. Inkwell?”

“Of course,” Inkwell clicked a button on her pen and it turned into a fork.

Okay, it only took about twenty minutes, but I now have a line, and I wasn’t nearly as stressed out. This time around, I knew I had more than enough ingredients to last me the day, and Skitter and Scatter had joined me in putting pizzas together, and chopping potatoes up respectively. So all I had to do was greet, sell food, and wish a customer to have a good day. It was awesome, seeing so many ponies in the food court sitting with my food, and even more ponies widening after they bit down on a fry.

Mostly because it looked like they had just took a hit of LSD before they scarfed down the rest of said fries and got back in line. And, I was beating everywhere else in the food court in terms of price to food. Two bits for fries, three for a slice of pizza. A combo of the two was four bits. Five bits if you wanted a drink, because I guess a third drone came in with a couple barrels of non alcoholic apple cider and a barrel of orange juice. Where they got said barrels, I won’t know, but I’m not complaining.

Everywhere else was charging five bits just for a thing of pretzels, or whatever was the main thing they were selling to ponies. So compared to everywhere else, I was providing a nice deal, and hopefully something tasty. Given how many ponies came back specifically for fries made me grin like an idiot, yes! Abolish hay fries! Now, bow down to a proper french fry, you bitches!

“Have a nice day!” I waved as a pony bought two things of fries and a pizza. A fifth changeling came out of nowhere and was constantly putting pizza boxes together. As for why there are so many changelings helping me, I don’t know, but I can’t really complain since they seem to just want to help me for some reason. Like, no paychecks promised, no job applications. A changeling just saw me, saw what I was doing, waltzed over, and started doing something.

Hell, one nearly tried to start taking orders until I told them to just sit and look cute, so he turned himself into a plush version of himself, and sat next to the food stand right afterwards.

Then somebody stole him and nobody really minded, heck, the plush changeling’s smile got even bigger when he got stolen.

Well, the line’s cleared, and-

“It’s Celestia!” Wat

“What is she doing here?” Oh.

So now there’s an even bigger line for my cart, and Celestia along with her secretary were at the front of it…

Celestia tried to buy my whole stalk. And she did… That daughter of a fucking ass!

Author's Note

Celestia had managed to spend six hundred and seventy four bits on pizza and fries by the way.

This Chapter is Told Through the Eyes of Chrysalis
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Not So Funny Story

This Chapter is Told Through the Eyes of Chrysalis

Queen Chrysalis’s POV

I shut my eyes a little tighter as sunlight threatened to open them up. Ugh… I enjoy Princess Celestia’s company, I really do enjoy it, but there is a reason why I liked Princess Luna more. The main reason was Luna had a giant pet rock, and Celestia had a pet star that decided it wanted to be special and be out during the day instead of the night. And of course, because Canterlot is horrible, Fruit’s bedroom just had to have a window facing towards the east, meaning no matter what, one of us was going to be awakened by the Sun.

Figuring that sleeping in wasn’t an option today, my mood did brighten as it has turned out, Fruit Punch has the whole day off. That meant I could take him out to play more mini golf, take him to an amusement park that I've read up on, and it wasn’t too far from Canterlot which is also where I can take Fruit to. Anything really, just the chance to spend time with my coltfriend made me happy. And because I ordered Fruit to take a break from practicing martial arts, or exercising, or selling pizza for today only, I get to keep Fruit for today!

That damned workaholic. Seriously, it is like Fruit feels the need to keep his mind preoccupied with something, or else his world will collapse on itself.

Speaking of Fruit, he was noticeably still present, which was a shocker. I could taste just how happy and safe Fruit was despite him being not even conscious at the moment. Out of habit since I’ve revealed my true self to this stallion, Fruit has always cuddled up with me. Mostly because it was cheaper to share a bed, and partially because I was ‘soft, cuddly, and warm’. What has happened since we’ve started dating is, instead of me just playing pillow, Fruit lets me pull him up to my chest, and he then buries his face into my neck like he was right now.

Just for Fruit, I remained perfectly still as Fruit snored away. Given how much Fruit Punch tries to work himself to the bone, it’s unsurprising that he actually needs the sleep. From his job, to his side hustle of selling pizza, my coltfriend always seemed busy with something. Either he was reading a highly educational book, or working, or training in self defense.

He almost put my drones to shame in terms of productivity. Almost.

Fruit eventually woke up, nuzzled me, and quickly hopped out of bed in order to get his daily routine out of the way… How does Fruit actually wake up so quickly? Even some of my best drones struggle with getting up in the morning.

While Fruit was in the bathroom, I cracked some eggs, got some bread in the toaster, and even got a couple cups or orange juice poured. So now I was just sitting in the bedroom, waiting for Fruit to get done, so that I may also get my morning routine done. While it wasn’t embarrassing for either of us to even shower together, I took up a decent amount of space, and the bathroom wasn’t very big, so it was best if we just took turns… even if I could shrink myself down to Fruit’s stature and easily in the bathroom.

And like any good marefriend, I decided to start snooping in Fruit’s nightstand.

It really did not take long to find anything, as the drawers were empty, save for one journal with the word… ‘journal’ sewn into the cover. Whoever designed this book cover must’ve been paid thousands for their contributions of designing this book. I flipped it open and giggled; it was a diary. Obviously, I should not read this thing, but I will stash it away for a later date, and possibly read it with the Princesses. Today, however, was meant to be spent with Fruit Punch, and I am not letting go of the opportunity so quickly.

I slid the book back into the drawer, in the exact spot I found it, and left it for a later read.

Fruit and I sat cuddled up together on a bench in the theme park I had wanted to check out. We had just got off of a rather fast roller coaster, but Fruit just didn’t seem impressed at all by anything here. Sure, I suppose I should not be nearly as enthralled by the roller coaster either, as I have flown faster than that rollercoaster had moved, but there could be a myriad of reasons. Despite how most of the rides left Fruit disappointed, I could still tell that my coltfriend was enjoying himself.

Probably because he was spending time with me. Not because of the random apple bobbing stand he had also tried out. I refuse to eat apples, disgusting, red, little balls of torture those are.

“You know, I was expecting a little too much from this amusement park, but I suppose as Bo Burnham would put it: Lower your expectations.” Fruit chuckled to himself. “I think I’m just spoiled though.”

“Is this a human thing? Are you humans just not scared easily?”

“Oh fuck no. Humans used to drown each other because we thought every other person was a witch, and we humans were scared of witches. Heck, based on primal instincts, I should be scared to death of changelings.”

“Oh?” I wanted Fruit to continue.

“You see, on Earth, insects, arthropods, yadda yadda, basically ‘bugs’ used to be huge. Then we humans weren't exactly humans at the time, more like a lizard-mammal type of thing that was the predecessor to all mammals, used to be said big bugs’ food. So most humans are scared of tiny, tiny little insects now because of this very primal instinct of ‘I don’t want to be food’. It’s really fun stuff…” Fruit shook his head. “Anyways, ramble aside, humans love amusement parks, just imagine the roller coaster we were just on, but they go as high as the highest tower in Canterlot’s castle. Going at speeds that would make even the Wonderbolts look like snails.

“Then bumper cars, ferris wheels, merry go rounds, hell, most amusement parks even have arcades now. It was fucking awesome…” Fruit chuckled. “Though I barely even had the chance to even go to an amusement park; I’ve only gone twice or thrice, but each time I did, I was just so… amused. Oh! And then waterparks, oh my god the water parks… That is something I actually do miss from Earth, the internet’s cool, but going on a roller coaster that moves at terminal speeds straight down… Can’t beat that kinda thrill. Well, aside from jumping out of a plane to parachute.”

Fruit smiled, perhaps studying his kind’s ancient relatives was a favorite pastime of his before… He had arrived in Equestria. That did make me a little concerned about my choice in activities today, however.

“So… Is this amusement park not fun?” I asked. Did I just force Fruit into something he didn’t enjoy?

“Oh no, this amusement park’s not bad, but in comparison to what I’ve experienced, it’s not nearly as impressive. No loop’d’loops!” Fruit nuzzled me. “Plus I’ll put up with anything if I get to spend some time with you. Through the Fire and the Flames, I’ll carry on if it means I can have my Chrysalis!”

“That was cheesy and you know it.”

“So? I love you. I get to be cheesy with you.” Great going, Fruit, now my cheeks are burning. And now you’re leaning into me and nuzzling me… Fruit. “I love you, Chryssy,” Fruit sighed as he nuzzled deeper into my side.

“Fruit, we are in public and ponies are staring at us.”

“So? They can go fuck themselves if they hate you, or want to be with you. You’re mine, and if they attempt to hurt you in any way, I’ll kick their teeth in. If they want to sleep with you, then they better understand that I’m quite selfish when it comes to my marefriend.” Fruit kissed me on the cheek, before moving to kiss me directly on my muzzle…

“Fruit there are foals-“

I burped… Too… Much… Love. I rubbed my belly and leaned over onto Fruit Punch.

The next day, I couldn’t stop Fruit from going off and doing some training, or work, or anything for that matter. Seriously, I've never met a pony, aside from Celestia’s secretaries, that likes to keep himself so busy. Fruit, I know you aren’t exactly a pony, but please, please take some time off to yourself. Even if it means spending a day away from me; you can seriously hurt yourself if you don’t get a breather. I’m going to look for a day in Fruit Punch’s schedule, and have one of my drones drag him away to somewhere where he can just relax.

Like some random lake side house.

With Fruit out of the house, I took the opportunity to swipe his totally not a diary, and bring it to the castle. Upon asking, Celestia’s schedule was cleared, and Luna was awoken, and Cadance had managed to find a break in her ‘how to Princess’ lessons as well. The idea of reading somepony’s diary without their consent is quite… not good, but I’m Fruit’s marefriend, I get to know my stallion’s darkest, deepest little secrets.

“You claim that you have found Fruit Punch’s diary?” Luna asked. She, like the other princesses, was intrigued. Celestia and Cadance rubbed their hooves together, feeling as dirty as I do right now, but oh so ready to pounce on this opportunity.

“Indeed I have!” I quickly turned into Fruit Punch to begin reading aloud.

01/15/20…?

I don’t know the actual year, I just know the date and month. God this is so strange. I’m currently writing with my hoof, yes, a hoof, instead of my hands or mouth. For one thing, mouth writing feels awful when you have to hold a feather pen in your mouth. Another, mouth writing leads to you actually drooling on your parchment, so hoof writing it is! Surprisingly using my hooves to write isn’t too different from handwriting; it’s all in the wrist baby!

Or I think it’s a wrist, or is it an ankle if it’s technically a part of a leg? Or is it a wrist because your forehooves basically work like hands through some magical bullshit.

I’ll say they’re Ankbows.

Anyways, ramble aside, I’ve ended up in a land full of talking ponies and figured I should start writing in a diary in order to keep myself from going insane. It’s been… roughly fifteen days since I’ve ended up here, and I was unconscious for a good three days. I kinda fainted when figuring out that I was in a land full of horses- ponies that can speak English, have societies, and even monarchies. Or diarchies? Triarchies? I don’t know, I’m not a politician.

I met the diarchs on day one of me being a pony, because I fell on top of one, and they demanded my arrest or something… I forgot because as soon as they spoke, I screamed and passed out. I woke up again, a contemplated why the fuck I have hooves and a horn, which I’ve scientifically dubbed as a ‘head penis’, only to pass out when a nurse walked in to check in on me. The next time I woke up, I had a conversation with the diarchs, two princesses, and boom! I’m a free man renting a house from them.

If anybody ends up reading this, hi. I was once human, and I am very confused. I’m gonna go back to my seventy-two hour study session on ‘how to pony’ so I don’t fuck up being a member in society. And also probably eat a whole tub of ice cream because my brain hurts and I need comfort of some sort.

Okay, fuck the date, it’s day twenty-two now. I have a job that happens to be very similar to what I used to work in: fast food! Anyways, My boss is awesome, and my boss also likes me because I am so ‘stupidly fast’ according to him. Also, full time in Equestria is incredibly low. twenty four hours a week, paid once a week with an actual check, and daily with tips. I’ve already got enough money to cover groceries for this week, next week, and a thirty years worth of rent. Mostly because my rent was at a very heavy discount(which meant I paid a bit a month for the house[how much is a bit worth again?]), but still. I’m set for life working here, and I actually enjoy working at Hayburgers!

Granted, I feel incredibly lonely. Like I don’t have very many people to talk to, or casually talk with. I can talk to Celestia or Luna, who are both fun to talk to, but I barely get the chance to talk to them because they’ve got a lot of free time. You know? Free time, something you get about thirty minutes of because you run the largest, and most powerful country on the planet. With a population that makes Japan seem empty, yadda yadda… Can’t talk to them very often.

I’d doubt they’d want to spend a whole lot of time with me anyways. I may not be a pony mentally, but I’m still just a pony. A pawn in society that barely matters. Just another face in the sea of the crowds that they probably face every time they give a speech. Sure, whenever we chat, it’s fun, friendly and kinda relaxing for the three of us, but I think it’s purely because they’re princesses and I think they have to be nice to their subjects.

They’d get a lot of rebellions if they weren’t, after all.

Also, on occasion the Princesses do look me up and down, call me attractive and see if they manage to ‘get me’ for some reason. They usually don’t, but I guess it’s part of their way of getting their extrauniversal subject comfortable around them.

Anyways, aside from the Princesses, who probably tolerate me more than they actually accept me, I’ve got nobody to hang out with. It’s pretty… depressing honestly. Granted, I can probably put up with it since I’m used to not having friends; can’t have time for that when paying New York City’s rent, but this isn’t exactly rocket science:

I need some kinda interaction with people… ponies… people? Anyways, I’m a social creature, I need human- er, pony interaction which I get at work, but that isn’t the same as having a friend. Meh, if I don’t make any friends, then it’s whatever.

After all, in society, we’re all together, but even then we’re still alone.

Day twenty-nine.

I met this mare, who is really fun to hangout with, who also isn’t exactly a pony. For one thing, she’s a bug horse typa thing called a changeling. Yadda yadda, feeds off love, yadda yadda. Anyways, we’re friends now, and I’ve even considered asking if Crystal Clear, or Chrysalis, would like to date me. I have accepted that I just won’t be able to interact with a human woman ever again, so dating ponies it is!

Or bug ponies.

Also, Chrysalis is my roommate now. Yes, she makes for a good pillow, and yes, she’s staying rent free. In exchange she cooks and keeps the place from burning down. Chryssy also acts as my alarm system since her senses are better than mine.

Anyways, I haven’t gotten the nerve to ask Chrysalis out. I’m not even sure if she’s interested in me even if she does let me use her as a pillow every night. Though I suspect it’s because cuddles feed her, and I don’t want my best friend to go hungry. So cuddle it is! At least Chryssy’s kinda soft… Oh. My. God. I got a nickname for Chrysalis now! It sounds adorable too!

Also, note to future self; Chryssy likes cheek rubs and she purrs when you rub said cheeks. Not her flank’s cheeks, you perverted idiot!

“That ignorant stallion,” I laughed. “We’ve even had dinner several times together, I’ve nuzzled and even kissed Fruit before, and he picked up on… none of it!” I giggled. “It was so cute to see him try, and try, and try to bring up if I would like to be his marefriend only to give up because he’s apparently too timid to ask me out.”

“Well, Fruit is just a stallion. When it comes to cues from mares, it takes a while for them to notice, if they notice at all,” Cadance giggled. “I had to kiss Shining Armor and sleep in the same bed as him to figure out that I wanted to take our friendship to another level! Oh Shiny got so red when I kissed him for the first time!” Cadance clapped her hooves before she calmed herself down.

“I… Did not know that Fruit might have some underlying problems,” Celestia hummed, looking concerned. “Fruit has stated in that journal that he feels unimportant, and thinks that myself or Luna deems him unworthy of being a friend of ours… Fruit has tickled me in the past, jokes and talked with myself and Luna like we were old friends. And yet he doesn’t think I consider him a friend? I don’t just relax around anypony; Fruit should know this.”

I flipped through the pages, skimming over them until I reached the most recent entry. Some of the things I read up on made me almost tear up.

“I think I know why Fruit… likes to remain so busy,” I said, giving the journal over to the Princesses to read. “Fruit has a lot of mental health issues that he seems to never talk about, even keeps them heavily bottled up, nor does he ever let on that he has any problems. In fact, Fruit is so good at hiding his problems that I can’t even tell that he might be depressed. And I can sense his emotions…” When I see Fruit Punch, I am sweeping that stallion off his hooves, and I am going to shower him with the love and affection he deserves.

And rub his belly, Fruit likes belly rubs. Oh the delightfully vague, yet pleasant things I will do for that stallion just to make him a little happier.

I was interrupted from my thoughts when a guard walked into the room, and was handed a letter from Celestia. The Princess handed the journal back over to me.

“Here I was thinking we’d find something embarrassing for Fruit. Aside from how he gushes over you in his writing, it is… mostly filled with signs that Fruit feels worthless, that he maybe a bit lonely still. And even how Fruit misses some things such as the music from his world,” Celestia grinned. “So I sent a letter out to Fruit, and he should be here within an hour. Any plans on how we can make this stallion’s day.”

“It better not involve lingerie; it’s my job to dress in something scandalous for Fruit!” I snarled. Then a delightfully evil thought came to mind. But first I’ll let the Princesses share their ideas first.

“Worry not, I will keep my collar and chains in my closet, Chrysalis. I have no intentions on taking your coltfriend,” Celestia giggled. I can sense what you’re feeling, you mischievous horse!

“Oh, we know of an idea!” Luna raised a hoof. “Once Fruit has arrived, let us smother him in a hug!”

“That is exactly why I have sent a letter requesting Mr. Fruit’s presence.” Celestia grinned when she looked at me. “You may want to hide that journal by the way. I’m not sure how Fruit would-“

The door opened and Fruit Punch walked in, whistling a tune I haven’t heard before. “Uh…” he paused as he looked around. “Am I about to get ganked or something? Usually when there’s three Princesses and a Queen it either means yelling, or the plot of my demise.” Fruit didn't notice that I was still holding his journal.

“We simply wanted to talk with you,” Celestia trotted over and draped a wing over the unicorn. I may have gotten a little jealous! C’mon! That is cheating, Celly! You and Luna have the perfect wings, made to be nice, big, warm, and perfect for draping over a stallion! I would know how comfortable being under Celestia’s wing is; I’ve dated her before, after all.

“Fruit, would you like to spend the day with me tomorrow? If work is an issue, I can issue a letter to your boss saying that I requested your time tomorrow.”

Fruit looked a bit unsure. “You… actually wanna hang out with me?” Celestia nodded.

“Of course. We are friends, are we not?”

“I’d like to think so,” Fruit whispered so quietly that I could barely even hear him. Celestia rubbed that stallion’s back. I will let this slide, Princess, as you are bringing my stallion’s mood up by doing that. Hold on, that delightfully evil idea!

“Oh!” I finally piped up. “What if we sick Fruit on some nobles during day court tomorrow?” What an excellent idea! Everypony rubbed their hooves together, just as delightfully evil as I had though. Everypony was in on the idea the moment I mentioned it. Except for Fruit. He was just confused. Before anything could continue onwards, I stole Fruit from Celestia’s embrace, and held him close to me.

“Fruit, if you need to chat, I’m here for you. And I’m certain Celestia or Luna would be willing to listen to you if I’m not available-“

Somepony’s eyes were lingering where they shouldn’t.

I glared at Cadance. “Stop staring at my coltfriend’s flanks! You’ve got a husband, don’t you?”

“What?” Cadance asked in an innocent tone. ”Fruit Punch’s flanks are quite… nice. Did Fruit get more muscular?” I threw a pillow at Cadance, then she threw one back and it hit Fruit instead of me, eliciting an ‘oof’ out of him. The Princess of Food was promptly hit by fifteen pillows and a changeling or three held Cadance down while a fourth, Thorax, hit her constantly with a pillow.

“Auntie Celestia, save me!”

That help never came. In fact, the pink alicorn’s aunts joined in on the fluffy assault.

Three more drones joined in on assaulting the Princess of Food with pillows.

Author's Note

i did leave subtle hints here and there about Fruit’s mental baggage, and his unwillingness to unload despite his background in psychology. And while I haven’t gone in depth with it it here, it will crop up here and there.

maybe, just maybe, it’ll eventually explode.

Ow.
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Not So Funny Story

Ow.

It’s way too early for this. I woke up at the ass crack of dawn today, because Celestia suggested we spend the entire day together, something about me being the ambassador for Chrysalis’s Hive, yadda yadda, I have to learn how to be a politician. Well, that should be really easy, all I’ve got to do is be a scumbag, and as a human being, being a scumbag is almost second nature for me. Or at least it should be, Skitter said I was ‘too soft’ while training, and that was after I shoved him over while he was trying to pounce on him.

No, I wasn’t soft, I was just really concerned for my friend’s well-being. My friend, the one that can easily break my neck in the blink of an eye.

“Coffee, sir?” Scatter levitated a cup of the devil’s juice, wait, that was alcohol. This is satan’s liquid, unfiltered shit in the form of a liquid that can actually be consumed in order to keep you awake. And while I hate coffee, that coffee did look very, very tempting right now given that I could barely keep my eyes open… Man, what I would give to have some Redbull-

No, that was worse than coffee since it tasted like shit and made you feel like shit after drinking it.

“Are you certain you don’t want to be paid for guarding me?” I asked, taking the cup from Scatter’s magical grip.

“I’m sure, sir. Not only is it an order, but an honor that Queen Chrysalis would trust me with her consort.”

“And me!” Skitter butted in.

“You’re a meat shield,” Scatter said in a teasing tone.

“So are you!”

Both bugs stuck their tongues out at each other like adults. Siblings, no matter the species, will be asshats to each other. Then deep down, they love each other dearly, and would do anything for each other. Unless you were the prince of the fire nation that became friends with an air bending monk, in which case your sister can, wants, and will try to kill you because she’s gone mentally insane and hates you. Or something, I don’t know. It’s been a good half a year since I’ve seen that one show, the Last Blender or something.

I chuckled as Skitter had pulled his sister into a headlock as I sipped my coffee. Despite the apparent rough housing, nopony paid us no mind, they only took their foals and went in the opposite direction of my drones, my drones that were acting like children. Oh right, that amazing pony racism, you gotta love it because ponies are pretty damn racist even if they don’t believe they are. They only lynched zebras in the past, and each other pre-unification!

God, this race is fucked up, but at least they’re actually nice to other members of their species, unlike human beings.

D’aww, Skitter kept his sister in a headlock, but was now nuzzling and kissing her forehead. Scatter’s wings just buzzed and hummed as she accepted her sibling’s affection. You could almost forget that both of these buggies were capable of systematically killing five, fully trained royal guardsmen in the span of a minute. Or that these were some of the most dangerous ‘lings in Equestria, and their Hive for that matter. They were just so cute, and also huge cuddle bugs, so you never really noticed how dangerous they actually were.

I sat for a moment to admire the magic of sibling love; asshats to affectionate asshats in the span of five minutes.

Changelings, if they weren’t Chrysalis, who was sexy, then they were adorable.

I passed through the gates of the palace after stating my name and purpose for being here to the guards posted by said gates, and kept on walking… Somewhere. I may visit the castle a fair bit more than the average citizen in Canterlot, but I still barely knew the layout of this labyrinth. Logically this meant that I should ask for help, directions of some sort, maybe be pointed to where Celestia was at this very point and time. Given that it’s actually kinda bright now, I’m going to assume that the very Princess responsible for raising the Sun is awake at the moment.

“Sir,” Skitter tapped my shoulder. I glanced at my bug horse. “We’ve made a layout of the castle, and we believe that Princess Celestia is currently having breakfast. Do you wish to be taken to them, or just keep wandering around?” Skitter tilted his head at my facial expression. Like Skits, what the actual fuck. When, when the hell did you manage to map out an entire palace? What the shi-

“We had a few other drones map out the palace for Queen Chrysalis; this place is like a maze. We can offer you assistance, but not the map as the Queen hasn’t given you access to that herself.”

“Y’know what, Skitter? Scatter?” Scatter dropped in from some ethereal plain as soon as her name was spoken. “When we get back home, I am going to fill the two of you up on so much love that you can barely move,” both drones blinked before disappearing the moment I took my eyes off them… You know, despite how much changelings can act like overly affectionate dogs, they can also just be ninjas that are highly intelligent.

Princess Celestia was sitting at the other end of the dining hall table, looking all regal, sitting like a cat as she wiped her cheeks off… is that pizza sauce? I slowly walked into the dining room to see Luna, on the other end of the dining hall table, who was barely awake, just crunching through pineapple after pineapple. Well, if this doesn’t scream regal, pretty pony princesses, then I don’t know what does, Celestia, was stuffing herself with some leftover pizza, likely one of the eighty-seven pizzas she bought four days ago, and Luna just eating uncut, unwashed pineapples like they were actual apples.

I took a seat.

“Good morning, Fruit Punch,” Celestia greeted me with a warm, inviting smile. This smile was slightly different from the smile she wore in public, that one was slightly more subtle and her eyes often didn’t match her public face. The smile Celestia had on, was less motherly and less about upholding a perfect appearance as it was just ‘I am relaxed, and happy to be spending time with my sister’ kinda smile.

“Sup,” I relaxed a bit in my chair.

“The sky,” Luna grumbled through her pineapple.

“Who taught you the most dad joke of dad jokes in the world?” I asked.

“Thou must know that we hast learnt from the best: Thou marefriend!” Luna raised a pineapple towards the ceiling like it was a sword, and she was leading an army onto the battlefield.

“Okay, that checks out,” I chuckled. “Celestia, why did you buy my entire stock of pizza?” I asked.

“Well, I did not know when you would be selling pizza again, and you always have such a short supply due to you not renting a building to use as a restaurant. Why is that? Surely, you could be quite wealthy off of doing that,” Celestia hummed as she took another bite. “And for the life of my kitchen’s staff, they can’t figure out what you do to your pizza to make it taste so good. So I decided it would be wise to buy a surplus, so that I may have pizza whenever I please.”

“God, I fear the day I introduce frozen pizza to Equestria. You would empty out my entire stock in a week,” that got a nice raspberry out of Celly. “But I don’t set up an actual restaurant for multiple reasons,” I jabbed a hoof towards the Sun Princess. “One, taxes, you asshat.” Another raspberry. “Secondly, it’s cheaper to have a cart to sell food out of a restaurant. Also it’s for a kinda scummy reason, and a fun little trick you fell for,” Celestia tilted her head.

“Oh? Is this a part of your understanding of psychology?”

“Yeah. Humans, and I guess ponies too, love a deal. Since I’m not paying rent for a restaurant, I can charge less for my food. Notice how a single sandwich at Hayburgers is the same price as a whole meal, drink included, from my pizza cart. Given how much food you get for five bits, my cart is a good deal to the eyes of many, especially for the tastes.” I hummed. “And so more ponies come, get pizza and fries, and then…” I rubbed my hooves like a villain. “Because of my limited stock, it puts ponies in more of a hurry to buy something. Either just to try it, or because they like the food. It’s really scummy, but I hope to make enough to just sell frozen pizza to ponies so I don’t feel like I’m scamming them.”

Celestia and Luna blinked a couple times. “That is actually pretty smart, Fruit.”

“It’s what fast food places back at home do. Have limited time items on their menus, which makes people go ‘oh shit, I wanna try that.’ Or alternatively, ‘oh fuck, my favorite taco is back. Gotta get that shit!’. I think this effect kinda works on ponies more than humans; humans just don’t wanna get left out of whatever is really cool or trendy. Ponies, instinctually, are herd animals, and will probably just go with the crowd to try new things, or go with the crowd in the opposite direction of a changeling nuzzling his sister… Blah, blah, blah, psychology helps you be an exploitative, assoholic business man.”

“Fruit, how much sleep have you actually gotten within the first month of you being here?” Celestia asked. Taking a sip of tea. For some reason, she looked concerned, and I don’t know why. I only got a nice healthy amount of sleep for a whole month.

“Twenty four hours of sleep throughout the whole month. Usually I woke up with my nose in a book I bought on psychology, body language, or just some random kid’s book I thought was interesting at the moment.”

“You best be getting more sleep. Not only is it good for you, but I doubt your marefriend would be happy about your horrendous sleep schedule; you make Twilight Sparkle look sane when it comes to studying.”

“Okay, Mom, I’ll get a full eight hours of sleep every night!” I stood up and saluted my Princess before the three of us broke out into laughter.

I redirected a spell into the ground from my opponent, a unicorn guard. He had the typical white coat and blue fur that the armor projected onto the guards for security reasons. Celestia, knowing about my anime-styled training arc through Chrysalis, decided to plop me in a training field to take on one of said guards to watch me. Luna, having taken a triple strength cup of coffee to spend the day with us, was sitting next to her sister from a balcony, watching me and the guard beat the shit out of each other.

After deflecting another spell, my horn lit up and threw a cloud of dust up. While the guard was blindly shooting into my dust cloud, I dashed through, holding up a shield in case I accidentally ran into a spell. While my shield was weak(I wasn’t taught to tank hits, so I never perfected my shield spell), it would soften any hits I took. I quickly tackle the guard to the ground, grabbing the guard’s leg and pulling it up and against his back. Making use of magical augmentation to outright overpower the unicorn and pin him to the ground.

Only to let the guard back up.

“And to think you don’t want to be on guard,” both of us turned our heads to… Shining Armor, walking onto the field with a stern look on his face.

“Good work, Spearpoint, but I suspect that you will be training even harder after this?” The guard nodded.

“Yes sir!” Spearpoint saluted his captain.

“Good. you are dismissed,” Shining nodded to his subordinate, before putting his focus on me. “Wanna have a go? You have some good moves-”

“Uh… I think I’ll get my ass handed to me,” I chuckled. “I know your sister’s Twilight Sparkle, dude. In terms of raw power, you’d kick my shit in.”

“I wouldn’t say that…”

“Alright…” The two of us took opposite ends of the fields. Celestia and Luna, now with buckets of popcorn, had taken closer seats to watch the spectacle. I took three deep breaths, ignoring how my heartbeat was getting so strong that I felt my ribs shake, or how my head was throbbing. God, I feel stressed out. I took another breath and felt immediately better. Okay, don’t lose composure, Fruit. You’re only fighting somepony who completely outmatches you in magic and physical ability.

What the fuck did I just agree to?

“Begin!” Celestia shouted.

Okay, I learnt this from Pharynx, and this strategy is really good for taking on opponents who are stronger than you:

Stand around like an idiot-

I rolled out of the way of a telekinetic blast and heard the ‘thump’ of it hitting the wall behind me. I shielded and stood my ground. I need to make it clear that Shining Armor has to play offensively, because there is no way I can push somepony who held a shield up around Canterlot without simply losing. Another blast came my way, and instead of directing the spell, I rolled out the way again. There ain’t no- I brought my shield up and felt my magic nearly give out when I directed another telekinetic blast into the ground.

“Aight, I am fucked,” I sighed, before figuring I might as well rush in. Shining Armor probably knew I was planning to get close and physical, and instead of stopping me from doing that, had decided to take me head on. Every hoof I parried felt like it would shatter my ribs if it were to hit me, so I made damn sure I wouldn’t get hit. I even got a few good hits in, specifically on Shining’s right shoulder.

Don’t hit hard, just hit a point to weaken it, then strike. That is the entire philosophy behind fighting like a changeling.

Shining Armor winced as his right hoof made contact with my hoof, fully blocking the weakened appendage, before I went in and pinned Shining Armor to the ground. Only for the stallion to stop me with his left hoof, plowing it into my right cheek, before I was pinned to the ground, groaning in pain. Fuck, dude, I knew this fucker could hit hard, but that was insanely painful! Ow, ow, ow, ow, fuck, my jaw hurts!

“Haha! That was awesome! I didn’t expect you to be that good, Fruit! Not only do you know your own weaknesses, but you played into your strengths, and you’re pretty damn creative!” Shining Armor backed off of me, keeping a hoof off the ground, y’know, the one I constantly stuck at. “I see you trying to find something to exploit, and instead you make one! I need to get you into some proper guard training. You’d be a perfect fit!”

“No I wouldn’t,” I groaned. “For one thing, it sounds painful,” I sat up and started rubbing my cheek. “For another, my training course with changelings is meant to make it so instead being capable of defending ponies from a threat, I can take care of said threat in the most lethal way possible; in other words, I would be horrible at defending anypony from something dangerous.” I groaned again.

I demand Chryssy cuddles to make me feel better.

“Well, if you ever feel like joining the guard, you’re in. You not only outmatched a regular guardspony, but you actually put me on the tips of my hooves!”

“Not in raw strength or magic. You were kicking my ass in that department.”

“Dude, I stand three heads taller than you, and probably way twice that because you’re basically a twig. Of course I’ll overpower you physically, and magically since I have actual magic training…” Shining Armor lent me a hoof to help me stand up. “Well, I best find Cadance before she yells at me for wandering off when we’re about to visit a museum in the next hour, see ya Fruit!”

As soon as Shining Armor was gone, I flopped over onto my side, and groaned. God, even after all that training, I’m still not better than the Captain of the Royal Guard, but I did better than I expected to! Score! Now, if only I could workout so hard that I go bald, then, then I will have reached full strength, and the ability to beat anything in one punch! Then I can be Chryssy’s knight in Shining Armor… My head hurts. Please kill me. A black, blurry shape stood over me, looking at me with mild concern.

“Come on sir, Princess Celestia has offered to heal you up so that you may enjoy the rest of today,” it was Skitter. God dammit, Skitter why can’t you-

“Lemme die,” I groaned. “I feel like dying to death so I can be dead. My head fucking hurts like hell!”

“Can’t do that sir. Queen’s orders,” Skitter helped me up onto my hooves, and allowed himself to be used as a crutch. I waved a foreleg haphazardly, pointing at the sky to some ethereal being that put me in this situation to begin with.

“Fuck you, God!”

“Wouldn’t that be awkward because you’re dating Queen Chrysalis? Also, who is God?”

God fucking dammit, Skitter! You changelings and your dad jokes!

Author's Note

ow.

A Very Wholesome Day in my Life
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Not So Funny Story

A Very Wholesome Day in my Life

“As you see, fence is along line of the border of my land, and everything in that border marked by the fence-“

Why did I agree to this? Just why. I know I wanted to be a therapist, and I want to help people with their problems, but how was this a problem? Why? Why the fuck do you, a pony, who makes a couple hundred times what I make a year, in a month, is complaining about how your land is an inch thinner along the borders than it should be? You see, my problem today is that I agreed to spend time with Celestia, and ended up being her temporary assistant throughout day court. This just means I get to read legal documents and listen to what people say.

It’s going well, this guy’s been going for eight minutes over… a small amount of land.

“As you see, I have lost a good inch on the land I spent my hard earned bits on.”

I looked up at Celestia, and while wasn’t as openly displaying it, she was bored and a bit annoyed at how the first petitioner in day court. He had not only chewed out twenty minutes of time, but managed to make a whole speech about missing an entire inch of land on one side of a four acre property he had bought in the middle of fuck all. Like it was kinda impressive even if it was annoying as fuck. It was so incredibly boring and I actually want to listen to ‘baby’ by Justin Bieber now.

That’s how fucking annoying this guy was.

“Hey,” I spoke up, just as soon as the guy was done speaking.

“Yes?” The noble asked.

“So this document here,” I swiped it from Celestia and read it over. “Say you bought four acres of land, right?” I asked, reading it over.

“I did, why do you say, commoner?”

“Well, I’m no genius, but it says you got four acres of land, and the map clearly shows… four acres of land. And that you got… exactly four acres of land, bought directly from the crown. As far as I’m aware, it says four acres, not four acres and an inch, Mr. Fil Bust.” I read the document a couple more times. “You had an inspector check this out too?” I asked. Another nod. “Cool, go on your way then.”

“But you have no authority here, you’re not Princess Celestia!”

“I’m dating Queen Chrysalis, and legally her consort. Princess Celestia, do tell me, does Chrysalis register as a foreign leader or a Princess of Equestria?” I asked, using my best, British ‘I have a soup ladle shoved up my ass’ voice. It was important because… I don’t know, it just seemed appropriate given how this guy talks. Like this guy talks as if he runs his own kingdom with how much he’s talking himself up. It’s getting really… fun to listen to this man suck his own dick.

“If I remember the terms correctly, by law, Queen Chrysalis is a political leader in Equestria with authority similar to, or on par with my own or Princess Luna’s. As Queen Chrysalis’s consort, you do speak for her when Chrysalis is not present. So legally, you are allowed to run daycourt in my stead, or help me make decisions if necessary. And I must agree with you, Fruit. Nothing here says Mr. Buster was cheated out of any land.” Celestia said, rereading over the document herself; she knows I barely comprehend whatever the fuck is in that legal document.

“Cool,” I looked at the noble. “Get out please. Or else Scatter will sit off to the side, stare at you, and judge you.” In the corner of the room, said changeling was sitting, with her eyes being bigger than usual, squinting at the noble while judging him. I know I would be terrified if Scatter judged me like that.

“Why should I even listen to Queen Chrysalis, let alone her stupid consort-“

“If you say my marefriend is ugly, or insult her in anyway, I will stab you in the eye. Also, you’ll have sixteen drones, that see Queen Chrysalis as a surrogate mother, drop out of nowhere and they will pummel you with pillows.” I pointed at a pillar. “That’s a changeling,” I pointed at a window. “That’s a changeling-“

Ow.

The asshole just sucker punched me. In an instant, Skitter body slammed the fucker before dragging him off to what I assume was the dungeons. I rubbed my cheek a couple times, and shrugged. Pharynx has hit me harder than that, and Chrysalis can definitely hit harder than that, In other words, Fil Buster’s a pussy.

Aside from Fil Buster, okay scratch that, the next six rich assholes, things were going smoothly in day court. I got to actually help a pony out, as they were struggling with finding the courage to just speak in front of their whole class during a presentation. Celestia may have given a speech or two over the years and had given advice to help calm the poor mare. I even gave her a few tips, such as thinking of what everypony would look like while wearing silly hats, as the whole underwear trick wouldn’t work very well for various reasons.

Mainly because ponies were pretty much always naked, so silly hats and costumes would have to do.

I was feeling pretty good about myself until a stallion, maybe a teenaged colt I’m not fully sure, walked into the room. The poor guy didn’t look particularly wealthy, and had seen much nicer weather before coming here today. In fact, the poor fella had apparently been crying so much that his legs were shaking. Celestia looked down at me, before turning her attention to the sobbing pony before her. The poor fella’s usually yellow coat was brown, his red and yellow mane was a mess, and his tail looked like somebody went through it with a buzz saw. His cutie mark was a book.

He was a pegasus too.

“Y-your hi-highness. I-I’ve come because-”

“Woah buddy,” I hopped out of the chair I had borrowed, as day court was taking way longer than I’d expected. And while my hooves felt very not sensitive, it would be nice to sit down while hearing an idiot rant about how their taxes are too high even though they make six figures. I then waltzed on over, plopped my rump right next to the petitioner and wrapped a foreleg around his neck. “Breathe like this,” I held my other hoof up to my chest, and the colt mimed me. Three deep breaths, we took three deep breaths, paused, and took another three.

“Have you calmed down a bit?” I asked. The stallion nodded. “Good, what’s your name, bud?”

“M-my name is Novel Tale,” the colt’s stutter had calmed down at least. That’s a good sign. “I’m here because… I need-”

“Start from the beginning,” I coaxed.

“Y-you see, I flunked a test that could’ve gotten me into a professional flight school,” Novel leaned onto my shoulder. “And… m-my parents disowned me. Said I would never amount to anything after I told them what I was actually passionate about. I-I don’t want to be a professional stunt flier! I want to write stories! And… And my p-parents couldn’t exce-except that!” Novel began to cry on my shoulder while I rubbed his back.

“Just let it all out bud, trust me, it’s good to cry…” God damn, what the actual shit, man? I know my parents basically disowned me, but we were never particularly close. If I had to wager, I’d say Novel was at least close with his parents until this incident; probably parents who only love their children if their children follow what they dream of. Not what the child dreams of, mind you, but what the parents dream of their children becoming. The moment said child deviates from what their parents want, boom, ties cut. I took a deep breath before looking up at Celestia.

“Do you know any schools in Canterlot that offer writing classes?” Celestia nodded.

“Even my own personal school provides creative writing classes, yes. Why do you ask?”

“Say Novel, how old are ya?”

“Four-fourteen, sir-sir,” Novel said. He was a little shaky now from how much he was crying. Jesus fuck, dude. That… isn’t even right.

“Princess Celestia, does your school have any rules or conditions for its attendees?”

“Of course, one must be a unicorn,” Celestia said. Darn. Time to negotiate. Obi Wan will be proud of my skills.

“Care to make an exception for this fella? If there’s any fees, I’ll take care of them. Just give this poor fella some creative writing classes… Say, Novel, got any samples of writing?” The pegasus opened up a wing and revealed a couple pieces of paper held together by staples. That’s a pretty smart way of carrying things. I grabbed them in my telekinesis and… Yup, a writing sample. I read it over, and to my surprise, it was pretty good. Given how little Novel could work with how short the story was, it was good. Short, simple, there was even a few lines in here that made me chuckle because they were actually decent jokes. It even had a moral or two to teach.

No mistakes either.

“Celestia, please, please give this fella a chance, or give him the money to get into a good school. If he’s gotta take a loan, I’ll take the debt from loan for him.” Novel recoiled in shock. “You got fucked over, really fucking hard, and I know how fucked your parents must actually be to disown you and leave you with nothing. I’m making sure you at least have a chance at following what you dream of; everyone deserves a chance to dream after all.”

The sun princess gave the writing samples back and hummed. “I believe I can get a prestigious school to give Mr. Tale a free education. I cannot make a spot in my School for Gifted Unicorns to a pegasus, but I can at least ensure you get an education in a field you actually enjoy,” Celestia said. Novel looked up at Celestia, before leaping off my shoulder, hopping up and down while squealing ‘yes’, and occasionally he hovered in the air with his wings.

“Thank you!” Novel pulled me into a hug and nuzzled his cheek into mine. A sense of pride swelled up. Ah, even the teenaged ponies were absolutely adorable! I wrapped a foreleg around the kid and held him.

“However, you will need a place to stay in Canterlot while you partake in your studies. I believe you are too old to be sent to an orphanage, and yet too young to legally own property or pay a mortgage… You also still need a legal guardian.” Celestia hummed. “Perhaps I can ask Princess Luna how she would feel about having a nephew?” Novel gasped and fainted, nearly falling on the floor if I hadn’t caught him.

“Great, we just made his day, and you go and give him a heart attack, Celly. Good going.” chuckled.

“Well, it would be wrong to simply send Novel out to live on the streets after what he has been through. And while he is nearly an adult, I would still adopt him; nopony would take in a fourteen year-old colt without making them pay rent of some sort. And he legally requires one in order to attend school in Canterlot. And…” Celestia had a devious little look in her eye. “I can personally tutor Novel Tale and aid him in his studies should he require the help.” I can also see Novel rushing into the throne room mid-court just to show Celestia something he’s proud of.

It would probably tick off any noble in court at the time-

You smart bitch. A new way to take the piss out of the snobs, and you get a cute little foal you get to take care of? While giving him the education he needs? Sounds like a win-win-win.

So, Luna may or may not enjoy the idea of having a nephew. Probably because she is now holding that new nephew under her wing while said nephew silently wrote in a notebook he was recently given.

You see, Celestia wasn’t bullshitting, and had actually adopted Novel Tale shortly after daycourt, and had introduced him to Luna. Luna loves children, and Novel Tale happened to find Luna’s presence to be very comforting. Needless to say, both ponies were quite happy with the new arrangement. On occasion, Luna would make suggestions to whatever Novel Tale was writing, or nuzzle her newly adopted nephew while they rested in front of the fireplace. I, on the other hand, just sat on the couch of the lounge chambers we were in, sitting with an ounce of pride.

I helped somepony, I didn’t have the exact means to help said somepony, but I got them the help that they needed. It… made me feel happy, knowing that I had managed to play some role in turning a poor kid’s life around for the better, and I got to see the results. Novel was looking much better for wear too, having been brought to the Royal Groomers to get himself cleaned up, bathed, and dusted. And now Luna couldn’t get enough of the fact that she now had an ‘adorable nephew’ and had yet to even leave the colt’s side.

The two of them, sitting in front of that fireplace, is adorable.

Novel managed to send in an application to ‘Private School for Gifted Authors’, along with the short little story myself and Celestia had read as a part of the application process. Oh, and a recommendation from both Royal Sisters, y’know, minor things to seal the deal.

A knock on the private chamber made Celestia to quickly stand up and go answer whoever may be knocking the door. The Princess and whoever the heck she was talking with had a rather hushed conversation, before Celestia eventually fully disappeared out of the room, leaving both Luna and Novel staring at the door shutting. What the heck is going on now? Did Satan discover that ponies were happy and wanted to ruin that?

Probably.

“Fruit, keep an eye on Novel,” Luna said before rushing after her sister. The door clicked on the way out…

“So, I have a fun idea for you to write about. I turned to Novel Tale, sliding off the couch to watch what he’s writing. It was mostly to keep his mind off of… whatever might be happening.

“Really?” Novel’s ears perked up at the potential writing prompt. He almost immediately forgot that his adopters just stormed out of the room too. Good.

“Lemme tell you about humans and the horrible atrocities they’ve done…”

By the time Princess Celestia and Luna had returned, Novel had already drafted together a ten chapter-long chapter book where humans invade Equestria through a wormhole and attack Equestria’s residents, eventually, with the Princess’s combined might and leadership, fight back against the horrible race of hairless monkeys, and eventually obliterate humanity through the power of friendship. It was honestly really fun, and I got to keep Novel from being distracted with horrible shit.

Like what Celestia had just told me. A maid had been assigned to Novel Tale for the time being, so at least that kid was taken care of, even if he whined about being able to fend for himself.

It was kinda cute.

Anyways, the thing that Celestia and Luna summoned me and Chrysalis, Shining Armor and Cadance, and All six elements of harmony were being called in too for a nice, fun wholesome meeting that everyone will love. You see it’s all sunshine and rainbows-

“Ex-fucking-cuse me?” I shouted.

“Now Fruit, now is not the time for that language-“

“Celly, I love you, you’re a good friend of mine, but what the fuck? You tell me a good thousand years ago, sometime before Luna got banished, you fought some evil unicorn, defeated him, and he took an entire city state with him?” It was a rhetorical question. “Oh, by the way, the equivalent of Adolf fucking Hitler is back, but the Crystal Empire is back!” I swung my hoof.

“Yes?” Celestia blinked, not knowing who that is. Good, you really don’t want to know who that is, Celly.

“Okay cool. So who are we sending to deal with King Sombra,” yes, that was apparently pony Hitler.

“Princess Cadance and Shining Armor will be aiding the crystal ponies against King Sombra,” both of the mentioned ponies simply nodded, like this was discussed with them earlier. “and once arrive and settle in, Twilight Sparkle and her friends will he sent in as well, we will be sending them to the Crystal Empire as well. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t even know. Chances are, if the guy we’re talking about was dangerous enough for you to consider him a threat, I wouldn’t be allowed anywhere near that asshole.”

“No, you are not, Fruit. King Sombra went after a changeling hive during his rule, not my own, and I am quite grateful that he hadn‘t; that Hive barely lasted an hour against King Sombra’s forces.” Jesus christ, I didn’t know the fucker actually committed genocide. “He used each and every changeling, young, old, any drone and even the Queen to fuel his dark magic. Noling made it out alive.”

Bro, what the fresh fuck? Those are cuddlebugs: Not for genociding!

“Okay…” Yeah, I think I should stay away from Sombra then. “Though if Dark Magic thrives on negative emotions, then I definitely should stay even further away from Sombra,” everypony in the room raised an eyebrow at me. “What? Humans are very hateful creatures; we can barely stand each other. Humans find a reason to be angry even if everything is going their way. Humans can be incredibly spiteful. If my studies in magic are anything to go by, I would be a walking power source for Sombra.”

“That… is a very good point,” Celestia agreed. “Which is exactly why I am not sending you.”

“And because I would gut you and burn Canterlot to the ground if you threw my coltfriend's life at that monster,” Chrysalis snarled. “And that’s coming from me, a monster.” Ahah! A chance to bring everypony’s mood up!

“If being incredibly sexy makes you a monster… Then I think I might like monsters,” I let my voice smooth itself out as I whispered something into Chrysalis’s ears. Cadance was just staring at me, wide eyed, probably knowing what I’m saying since she can apparently sense emotions like a changeling does. Cadance slowly whipped out a notebook and scribbled something down before it disappeared in a pink flash.

“F-Fruit… We are- we’re having a serious moment here!” Chrysalis stuttered.

“Yeah, and I hate it. I just want Chryssy snuggles, and if I gotta go kick King Sombra in the dick to make sure I can get those Chryssy snuggles, I will. Perhaps a little more than Chryssy Snuggies?” I raised my eyebrows a couple times, and Chrysalis’s cheeks were bright red!

That’s adorable-

Oh hey, a black portal. That can’t be good… Ah fuck, not again!

“Greetings, my little pony,” standing before me was a unicorn that made cthulhu look cuddly and friendly. Bloodshot eyes, a horn that pointed up and curved sharply. While also being tipped in red by the way. A nice, silver crown, armor, a helmet, all the fun stuff… Why am I here?

“Yo, whoever the fuck you are, can you give me a map back to Canterlot? I have a marefriend I made a promise to, and I was hoping to fulfill that tonight.”

“I am afraid you do not understand who you are dealing with, my fellow dark lord.” The fuck?

“I am King Sombra.

Motherfucker-

Author's Note

welcome to hell, Fruit.

I Was Held Captive. It Did’t Go Well.
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Not So Funny Story

I Was Held Captive. It Did’t Go Well.

I just stared blankly at King Sombra, why? How? Dude, why the fuck? For starters, you asshole, me and Chryssy were going to do not very family friendly, pushing teen rating activities. Especially after I just teased her like that! Secondly, I don’t want anything to do with you, you asshole. You dragged me away from my Chryssy. You do not get in between myself or Chryssy. You will suffer because of what you’ve done to me, Sombra.

“So, why’d you drag me here? To drain me and fuel you for your stupid plan to take over Equestria?” I asked, cocking my head to the side.

“No,” Sombra stood up and started walking towards the window. “I am aware of the current situation; three alicorns and a changeling queen. I cannot take all four of them alone. Not when they have the Elements of Harmony backing them as well. So, I used a spell to find a creature with the highest potential in dark magic, so that I may have an apprentice. So when I war against Equestria, we shall reign victorious amongst those old hags!”

“Nah mate, nah,” I waved a hoof and yawned. “You see, that would involve killing not only two friends of mine, but also killing Queen Chrysalis. Doing that would suck because I love that bug, and because that bug loves me. I can’t even begin to humor the idea of even hurting Chrysalis even if I were capable of doing so; I love her too much to do that to her. So if you can shelf your plans for world domination that would be really nice.”

“Ah, ah, ah,” Sombra laughed. “Your marefriend doesn’t love you! She’s only using you for food-“

“I know. And? Every night Chryssy expresses her desires to marry me and have foals with me. If our relationship went as far as ‘prey and predator’, then I wouldn’t even be able to sense emotions. Plus if Chryssy doesn't eat, she can’t be alive, and if she can’t be alive then I can’t keep dating her. If I can’t do that, then I’ll be really sad. So what if I’m my marefriend’s food source; everyone needs food. And as her stallion, I will happily provide her with food… even if the mare usually provides for the family… I cannot wait to marry Chryssy.”

Sombra growled, before it looked like a light bulb went off in his head.

“And hurt Queen Chrysalis even more? That changeling is nearing two thousand, one hundred years of age, and she isn’t going to die of old age any time soon, if at all. With the power of dark magic, you can become immortal! Have your Queen-“

“I don’t want to live forever. Yeah, dying would suck due to Chryssy being possibly immortal,” I hummed. “Which is why we try to spend as much time as possible with each other.”

“Why the heck are you so lovey dovey with a bug?” Sombra shouted, before he took a deep breath. “Oh. My. Bucking- just join me! You could become a god!”

Time to play dumb!

“Fuck no. I don’t want people to worship me. And I also don’t like the idea of living forever.”

“I’ll kill you!”

“Cool. The McRib already did that to my stomach! Oof! I had to get my stomach pumped after eating five of those. Tasted like nothing but ketchup and salt, but boy is it tasty!”

“I’ll take your soul!”

“Can’t do that, Ronald Mcdonald already owns that. I think the Colonel owns it now, I’m not sure anymore.”

Ronald Mcdonald had long since loaned Fruit Punch’s soul to the Burger King. It was old, sad, and kinda dead feeling. Not very nutritious for the excitable, soul eating clown that is meant to represent a cooperation of soulless people. Oddly enough, all of Ronald’s employees’ souls tasted like that. Sad, and dead inside.

“Yo, can I have that?” Colonel Sanders asked the Burger King.

“No! We’ve barely got anything as is! We’re keeping this guy’s soul.”

“I’ll…” Sombra rubbed his chin. “What do you even fear? I can’t sense any radiating off of you!”

“Oh. I’m scared. I just know that Chryssy has already gotten a battalion of fifty changelings together to come and save me. Oh, and Celestia and Luna might be on the way by carriage. By the way, the current Elements of Harmony are a bunch of foals, so you don’t have anything to worry about. They’ll be here in seventeen months!” I grinned as Sombra’s smile grew more sinister. “Well? So scared you can’t react properly?”

First year psych student bullshit for the win!

“You think a mere army of fifty bugs will stop me? Let alone foals who probably don’t even comprehend the power they wield? Or two princesses that have probably been busy fattening themselves up on cake rather than working on their battle prowess. Over the years Celestia and Luna have grown arrogant due to how powerful their kingdom is. One kick in the right spot and it’ll come tumbling down!” Sombra laughed like a maniac.

“Man, you don’t sound scared. What am I supposed to do now?”I cocked my head. “Should I mention that Luna is bringing a couple of scores of dogs?”

Sombra just laughed, because I guess he’s so arrogant, and so confident in how ‘incompetent’ his opponents are, that he’ll believe them. Yes, I had that psychological assessment made pretty damn quickly just for this. It was pretty easy given how… two dimensional this guy is.

“Off to the dungeons with him,” Sombra instructed two of his ‘servants’(I don’t know what to call those demon looking things) before he went staring out the window. That’s right, bitch, I’ll stroke your ego until you get over confident. I will make sure your pride and arrogance are your downfall!

“Oh boy, a hotel room!” More laughing from Sombra.

Meanwhile with:

Queen Chrysalis

I waved to Cadance and Shining Armor as they departed from Canterlot on their private train, a battalion of guards was sent off with them, so at least they were safe. I don’t know how long it’s been since Fruit was taken away from me, time blurred into place, and I don’t know where he has been taken too, but I believe I have a good idea as to what took my coltfriend away from me judging from the magic that the portal spell was giving off. It was… such a nasty feeling, like if you were to touch it, you would instantaneously be killed because of how much Dark Magic was pouring out of it.

Given that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, who have experience in fighting beings who practice dark magic(with one of them dabbling in dark magic as well), agreed on my assessment of the spell used, the three of us agreed on what had actually happened to Fruit.

And I still wasn’t given permission to go kill Sombra myself. I care not if Sombra can take both Royal Sisters at once, I will draw my sword and kill that son of a bitch… As Fruit Punch would put it. I growled as a hoof rested on my shoulder.

“Chrysalis, I know you are worried about Fruit Punch, but Equestria cannot afford to lose you,” Celestia sighed. “I’m worried about Fruit Punch, but for all we know, Fruit could already be dead, or Sombra had managed to coax Fruit into joining forces. If what Fruit Punch has said about humans is true, then it is safe to assume our friend may have already fallen. Or has been drained by Sombra to fuel that foul beast’s stomach for power.”

The two of us began walking back, a nice, cool breeze ruffled my mane, and the sunlight felt amazing upon my carapace. If it were not for the current circumstances, I would even consider today lovely, and would wholeheartedly steal Fruit Punch for a picnic and call it a date.

“And I need to know what happened to Fruit!” I snarled. “I want to at least have some closure; I want to know if I lost him already, either due to corruption from Dark Magic, or because Somrba has already killed him. I can’t wait to find out, Celestia. You and I are both aware of how we cannot wait when it comes to our lovers; we’re both incredibly long lived, while our lovers usually are not.” I choked. “And if Sombra has done anything to Fruit, I do not care, I am going to kill that shitbag.”

“You’ve even begun using phrases Fruit uses…” Celestia gave a humorless chuckle. “I can see why you would fight somepony who can easily overpower you for that stallion.”

“Of course. Even you’ve thrown me out after finding out what I actually was, Princess. When I showed Fruit what I was, he called me adorable!” I took another deep breath. “Please, at least task the Elements with at least finding Fruit Punch as well. If only for my peace of mind,” I grabbed Celestia with both hooves, not caring if we were in public. “Please. Please have them immediately notify me of Fruit Punch’s status when they do find him. For my peace of mind.”

“Of course I will, Chrysalis-“

I hugged Celestia and began to cry into her neck. A pair of white wings encompassed my form soon after.

Fruit Punch

I tried to dig in my nose, just sitting around and waiting to be rescued or executed is kind of boring. Granted, it’s scary as fuck, because I don’t want to die, but if I do die, it won’t be too bad. Actually, it’ll suck, because I don’t think the afterlife has a Queen Chrysalis to cuddle with. So I just sat and groaned because my hoof was too big to stuff into my nose. The entrance to the dungeons opened up, and Sombra walked in, all dangerous and deadly. Wow, this guy is so spooky and so scary, but the whole emperor thing isn’t your thing, Sombra. Like seriously, dark, tall, gloomy? You aren’t Darth Vader.

Bitch, stop trying to be Darth Vader, you will never equal Darth Vader… that won’t actually stop me from shitting myself in fear, but I won’t let you know about that, will I, Sombra?

“The Princess of Love and her Husband have arrived, Fruit Punch. They’re already being overwhelmed in their stronghold. Now would be a good time to show your faith in darkness; go, I will set you free, and I want you to kill them.” Sombra then opened up my prison cell as I began to contemplate what Chrysalis would think of me killing Cadance and Shining Armor. On one hand, she would think I’m awful, and on the other, she’ll think I’m awful and won’t have Cadance.

You see, Cadence and Chryssy hit it off apparently since they're best friends now. Likely due to their shared traits of being able to sense magic, Cadance also helped with keeping Chrysalis fed(to a small amount. Chryssy prefers her love directly from me). In fact, I won’t be surprised if the two of them end up dating each other in the distant future, which would be nice. It would be nice to have somebody around to keep my marefriend, and future wife, company when I’m gone. And potentially even give my Chryssy happiness once more, which cannot happen if I kill Cadance.

Also, Cadance is really nice, I don’t wanna kill her. And Shining still owes me a drink or two. Also he’s pretty nice, even after I threatened to cut his balls off if he harmed Chrysalis(I will apologize to him for that when I see him again). So why would I wanna kill them-

“Will you pay me?” I asked.

“Of course! I will reward you with a city for you to rule over once we take over Equestria!”

“Cool. But I want half of Equestria.”

“You cannot-”

“But weren’t we equals?”

“Of course!”

“So shouldn’t we each own half of Equestria when we take over the world and stuff?”

“I…”

“Well? You want me to join you, so we’re gonna be equals.”

“You know what? I no longer care! I am taking over your mind whether you like it or not! I gave you an option, but you seem so dense that it’s like you’re trying to be an idiot!”

Of course I am, I’m only human, after all. Oh cool, everything’s going black-

“Fruit Punch?” Ugh… my head hurts. What the fuck? “Fruit!” Oh, that sounds like Twilight Sparkle. “He’s awake, everypony!” The unicorn then began to look me over for some reason. Like a scanny spell and everything. The unicorn then wandered around behind me while she did so. She took notes before giving them to Spike to send off to… somewhere.

“Twilight, no means to be rude, but I don’t like having anypony other than Chryssy staring at my ass.” The unicorn’s ears perked up as her face quickly became redder than a tomato. That is hilarious.

“W-well, I doubt there’s any-any dark magic in Fruit,” Twilight announced to… whoever. Wait, hold on, an easy joke.

“No denials of staring at my butt, Twi? Chryssy won’t be happy with that.”

“I-I wasn’t staring at your flank!” Twilight’s blush got even deeper and she buried her face in her hooves. Her voice got all squealing and muffled. It was so fucking cute! God, ponies are cute. Granted, changelings are cuter, but ponies get close to being on chngeling levels of cute.

Suddenly, very quiet screaming managed to reach my ears, making me wince a little bit. I looked past my very embarrassed acquaintance to see something pretty interestingly weird.

“What’s…” I looked behind Twilight Sparkle, behind her, Sombra was convulsing on the ground, screaming about how ‘that pony’s mind is bucked up’ or whatever. Awe, here I was hoping to become Darth… FuckifIknow. “What’s up with Sombra? That guy and I were discussing my payment if I assassinated Cadance and your brother-”

Twilight lowered herself to the ground, igniting her horn.

“Calm down, Princess Sparkle Butt, I was mostly playing dumb so Sombra would get angry and clumsy.” Twilight immediately stood up straight, her magic dissipating immediately.

“...Huh.”

“Oh sweet Equus! That pony is still alive? Get it away! I don’t-”

It was the evil asshole in question!

“D’aw, did little Sombra get a peek at my fucked up mind? Tell me, did my memories of Friday the Thirteenth make you scream?” Sombra screamed like a little girl. “Or that slow, very vivid memory of somebody being skinned alive, while having their blood drained, while getting pegged by an octopus due you in?”

“What the buck? How the hay are you walking freely?” Sombra screamed, before curling up and rocking back and forth.

“Dude, I come from a world where too much mayonnaise on a sandwich can get another guy to kill you. Humans are gonna be human and traumatize anything that takes a peek in our brains. The worst thing you can think of, we humans can think of something worse. Just be lucky I’m not Japanese. I don’t think you ponies could stand tentacles touching human women in interestingly scandalous ways.”

“What!?” Twilight, and everypony in the room for that matter, shouted. Pinkie, who was sitting off to the side looked like she was thinking of what I just mentioned, considering the possibilities-

Pinkie, what the fuck? Okay, maybe somepony would consider that attractive, and they’re basically psychos.

Cadence walked up to me, looking like she went through hell and back, and placed both hooves on my shoulders. “Fruit! You had everypony worried sick! Don’t even get me started on Chrysalis!” I was then pulled into a bone crushing hug. Ow, ow, ow. Aw fuck I can’t breathe air. Fuck, why are alicorns so overpowered?

“Look, I didn’t want to get kidnapped, Princess. I was hoping to do the thing with Chrysalis after a nice picnic, but that asshole put a stop to that,” I pointed at Sombra. “Hold on actually,” I croaked, managing to slip out of Pink Butt’s grasp, before standing over Sombra, who was crying like a baby. I placed a hoof on his back, which made him jolt as his head raised itself on instinct. That was what I was counting on.

Gotcha, bitch.

In an instant, I started pounding a single hoof into the guy’s face. Constantly, as hard as I could, while augmenting the strength behind each hit more and more until my shoulder began to hurt from the rate I was punching him at. Sombra’s head fell back to the ground when I stopped.

He was still breathing, but not very well.

“That’ll teach you to not fuck with Equestria, you sack of shit.” I snarled. I don’t care if everypony in the room was shocked at the sheer amount of blood gushing out the fucker’s nose, or his busted lips. “If it were up to me, I would cut your fucking head off, and have it on display. A nice little message to everyone and anyone who thinks fucking with my home is a good idea, so be lucky I don’t have the authority to execute you,” I shouted at the unconscious body of Sombra.

“You… You really aren’t a pony, are you?” Twilight asked.

“Course not. Nopony would just beat the shit out of a cowering prisoner, would they? And if it seems underhoof, who gives a fuck? I don’t. That fucker threatened to kill my marefriend, Celestia and Luna, and destroy everything I hold dear. I know I’m not capable of much, but I’ll be fucked if I let anypony do that. Not without killing me first.” I said coldly as I set a hoof on Sombra’s unconscious body. “C’mon, let’s get whatever formalities over with. I want my Chryssy.”

Okay, nevermind, formalities suck.

I’m about to die. I want to die. I don’t want to go out on a balcony for thousands to see! No. No. I don’t want any rewards, awards, or praise. Just give me my Chryssy, and I’m happy! No.

“You know, for somepony who just beat the crap out of an evil overlord, you look like you’re about to piss yourself,” Rainbow Dash said. “What happened to you being so awesome! You were all angry, and scary looking, and…” She paused. I could see her eyes wander up and down my form. What is with everybody checking me out? I’ve been spoken for, thank you! “Well? You’re about to be praised for that awesomeness! Where’s your sense of pride?”

I raised a hoof to my chest and took a deep breath several times. Okay, I feel better now. “Look, Rainbow. I was only angry and ‘brave looking’ because I was pissed the hell off. Now that I’m calm, and getting an award for doing fuck all, is not something I was expecting today-”

The doors burst open and a black blur slammed into me. What the fuck- Oooh, it smells like Chryssy and feels like Chrysalis. Okay, I’m happy now. I sighed, and leaned into my marefriend as the two of us silently enjoyed reuniting. Rainbow made a gagging noise before it turned into an ‘ack’ and a subsequent wheeze of pain. Rarity made a cooing noise beforehand, so I assume she just kicked the shit out of Rainbow for gagging at our moment. I am so ready to take that award now.

“Fruit, it’s your turn,” Twilight called from the balcony. The mare then trotted back inside with the rest of her friends that weren’t Rainbow or Rarity. I sighed and looked up at my marefriend.

“We’ll chat in our guest room, go get your silly medal.” A kiss was planted on my forehead and my heart began pumping fast and hard.

“And I shall award Fruit Punch with the title ‘duke of the Crystal Empire!” Cadence announced to the crowd of ponies below. Why was I being awarded this? I was even going to get a medal for my… efforts. All I did was allow myself to get kidnapped and played the fool. I just sat and waved as a medal of some sorta was also given to me, allowing it to rest above my chest. A pony, who was shining and sparkly(or a crystal pony), walked up to me.

“And because you looked King Sombra in the eyes, I award you a title specific to the Crystal Empire, that has only been given to one other pony- dragon!” Oh no. Oh god no. “Fruit Punch, the Brave and Glorious!” I blinked a couple times, realizing what the the fuck that implied when the whole crowd began to cheer and stomp their hooves. I’m about to have a panic attack-

Something grabbed me and dragged me off the balcony.

Oh, it’s Thorax, I can tell by the smell. Like a fresh daisy… the changeling actually liked using cologne. Yet another difference between my friend and the rest of his Hive.

“What the heck are you doing?” I asked.

“You feel like you’re definitely in need of an emotional support changeling. So here I am!” Oh… I happily nuzzled into Thorax’s neck and began to relax for the first time in days. Now this, this is life.

Author's Note

Fruit actually just thought of a Justin Bieber music video. That’s was traumatised King Sombra.

After Involuntarily Visiting the Crystal Empire
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Not So Funny Story

After Involuntarily Visiting the Crystal Empire

“Hush now dear, just rest,” Chrysalis cooed.

Thorax, being the great emotional support changeling that he is, let me hug and hold his head for a very extended period of time. Mostly because he got love out of it, and I got to hold a changeling. And as it turned out, Thorax is the biggest cuddlebug on the planet. It was a win-win if you asked me. As in a couple of hours. I rubbed the bug’s belly, petted him, and mostly did a lot of things that just made me feel a lot more relaxed after standing in front of a crowd of about a thousand and a half ponies. Luckily that relaxed feeling lasted a good hour.

Then I was stressed the shit out because I remembered that I had actual titles that nobles were supposed to have. Good thing that my girlfriend was also a changeling, and a very good emotional support changeling. The two of us were curled up in our guest room in our bed. Chryssy was curled up so that my head was cradled in her forelegs up against her chest. She also put long socks on to add some ‘extra comfort’ to her hole riddled hooves…

“Y’know, you don’t need socks to make your carapace more comfy…” I murmured as I finally found myself to be more relaxed than I have been in my life.

“Oh?” Chrysalis hummed as I nuzzled her.

“Yup, you’re soft and cuddly as is. Granted, your socks do accentuate your flank quite nicely, so I suppose you should keep the rear socks.” I felt Chryssy’s heartbeat kick up a tiny bit, so I knew I got a point in flirting with her. “I’m sorry we never got to do ‘it’ yet. I genuinely wanted to, but I got-“

“No, do not even speak like that. I know you were hoping to please me a week ago, yes it’s been that long since you’ve been kidnapped, it is truly King Sombra’s fault for kidnapping you in the first place.”

“So, where the heck is Sombra going anyways?” I asked.

“To a mental institution. He attempted to put you under mind control, and probably dug around in your head to find something to make you evil. Instead King Sombra went insane, claiming that he’s seen obscene horrors that he wished he'd never seen. First, he’s being sent to a hospital due to how badly you beat his face in; you knocked out almost every tooth in the top of that thing’s jaw and broke his nose.”

“Oh fuck… I must’ve been really pissed when I did that,” I sighed. “I need some anger-relief-things like a stress ball.”

“Well, if you don’t, I wouldn’t mind. You are kind of sexy when you get angry like that.” Great, Chryssy’s now at a thousand two hundred points for our ‘making the other blush’ game. Which is really just our excuse to constantly flirt with each other(probably because we both find it incredibly adorable when the other is blushing). I managed to breach a hundred last week, and Chrysalis got to a thousand last month. I buried my face deeper into Chrysalis’s neck to hide the blush.

I blame her ability to sense emotions. You fucking cheater… “I love you Chryssy,” leaned deeper into Chryssy’s chest and felt my eyelids give up on staying open.

“You’re quite cute when you’re flustered Fruit-“

I kissed her directly on the lips with my eyes still closed. We both quieted down after that. Mostly because I accidentally put my marefriend into a food coma with that kiss. And partially because I can barely stay awake.

It’s probably not a good sign when you wake up after returning home from ‘saving the Crystal Empire’ to a few loud knocks at the door. Especially when those knocks belong to a guardsman, or when that guardsman has a letter directly from Princess Celestia that pretty much says ‘come to the castle and meet me as soon as you get this’. Luckily for me, that is exactly what happened this morning at the crack of dawn. Wow, I am so stoked… A day off because according to my boss, I’m a hero, and then Celly probably wants to know how I took down Sombra.

I didn’t even really get to enjoy the scenery of Canterlot, like I normally do, because I couldn’t sleep. Like, have you ever felt so tired that it’s like you smoked six pounds of weed? That’s how I’m feeling right now, and boy does it feel awesome. If it weren’t for the fact that you can genuinely die from sleep deprivation, I’d let this happen more often. Not really, this feels awful, my back feels awful, my face feels awful, and so does my leg! Mostly my back, but also my leg!

Chrysalis was not happy about how little sleep I got, so she’s with me right now. With me? No. Chrysalis is never angry at me. She’s just mad about how I couldn’t get the sleep I needed to be a functioning pony of society. I can be a good horse on four hours of sleep… I swear. Some Princess from Disney would be happy with riding me, right? I need sleeping pills. Also, as Chryssy is carrying me on her back while I'm barely even conscious. Weirdly enough, my Chryssy smelled like my Chryssy.

“That stupid, inconsiderate, awful horse-“

My Chryssy was also pretty angry.

Yeah, apparently the word ‘horse’ is a slur for ponies. Along with ‘dobin’ and ‘mustang’. Chrysalis is very unhappy about how I pretty much got no sleep, or how Celestia wouldn’t give me a day to rest up and sleep in. So… whenever we get to the palace and meet up with Celestia, we’re gonna have a fun time. Mostly with Chrysalis running through slurs, personal insults, and other things for Celestia. Even called Celestia a ‘slender legged, shiny, assoholic bigot’ at some point.

I don’t know where she got the word ‘assoholic’ from. I’ve never used it before.

Boy does Chrysalis’s vocabulary turn heads. Most ponies walked by slunk away to hide from my angry bug horse, or sat slack jawed from all the apparent slurs Chrysalis was shouting at the tops of her lungs while making it very clear as to who all those insults are for. Given that Celestia was the prime target for those insults, a few others were incredibly shocked and were frozen in place because of said shock. Foals walking by had their mother’s hooves jammed into their ears, while the ones that didn’t, were laughing their asses off.

Understandable, my fellow ponies, have a good day. Nevermind, some of you ponies are just trying to check out Chryssy’s ass! No! That’s my Chryssy butt to stare at! Back off, Bubbles! That’s not your name, but you’ve got bubbles for your cutie mark!

I am so tired.

On the brightside, I can give a status report on the Crystal Empire even though that’s not my job and at least sixteen other ponies already did that when we got home last night… My head hurts.

And my leg. But mostly my head.

How Sombra actually went insane:
(Sombra’s POV)(right before he started convulsing on the floor for a week straight)

I entered the fool’s mind, hoping to find something to turn the idiot over to my side. Not exactly mind control, but some dark, inner thoughts about… Anything. Such as the possibility that his beloved Changeling Queen doesn’t love him, or even self doubt. Just something, anything dark magic can feed on for power, anything I can bring to the forefront that would make Fruit Punch my minion. I just found the idiot’s name, so maybe finding hatred or fear wouldn’t be too hard.

Sweet Creation, why are the dark thoughts so big? Well, if I can’t find anger, hatred, or anything else, then I’ll look in there later. Those may be helpful, but I don’t have time for this! I’ve got three alicorns and a changeling hive to kill! This mind is huge, yet empty. On the brightside, there is a ‘do not remember’ section of Fruit Punch’s head. Good, I can find something dark to use as fuel for Fruit Punch siding with me… Oh. My. No. No. NO! What the BUCK! What the actual buck is that shit! A hairless monkey-looking thing just stripped down while complaining about how they got slightly less ‘french fries’ than usual.

Another memory quickly zipped by of… moving drawings of a hairless, female monkey [redacted. What is being seen by Sombra is so bad that it can’t even be described without fucking the teen rating in half]. What the fuck is wrong with this pony? Who? Somepony actually dates this awful, foul thing? What the shi-

“Hello, welcome to McDonalds, how can I help you- sir, why are you stripping in front of me, what the fuck? Sir-”

OKAY! I’ve seen enough. I give up on taking over the world, I give up on destroying Princess Celestia and Luna. Not while this pony is still alive! I want my mommy! Even my ex, Celestia! Just somepony hold me and help me forget what I’ve just witnessed.

Back to Fruit Punch

As suspected, Chrysalis was not happy with Celestia. Given that Chrysalis told me to lie in Celestia’s bed, which felt like heaven, because we were in the Princess’s private chambers and Celestia was using a cushion beside her bed, and I had been given earplugs, I was left with only a visual of Chrysalis yelling at Celestia. Surprisingly, the solar princess’s ears were flattened, and she looked scared. Like a child being told off about stealing a cookie from the cookie jar.

It was kinda funny to watch, because I couldn’t tell what was being said because these were magically enchanted earplugs. Also Skitter and Scatter were laying on top of me, and their body heat was somehow warmer than usual which made me feel really sleepy. Like way more than I already was… Oh Scatter is grooming the inside of my ear without disturbing the earplug somehow. Oh. My. God, I am in heaven right now. Mmm, why are changelings so fucking awesome? Especially mine.

It’s like my guards knew I hadn’t gotten any sleep-

Holy fuck.

Holy shit.

Scatter just transformed into a plush version of herself. Okay, yeah, changelings are awesome. With how convincing their silent argument as to why I should rest up a little bit seems sound proof(HAH!), how can I really stay awake with such a good reason to go to sleep? I swear, it may be the two days without sleep talking, but I think Scatter’s plus smile got even wilder when I nuzzled into her cheek.

Chrysalis

“You are quite lucky that Novel Tale was not present to hear your little tirade,” Celestia said, taking a sip of tea. Luckily that foal that my old friend had adopted was currently doing an overnight study session with Princess Luna; they were going to be quite occupied for quite some time. We had moved to another area in Celestia’s private chambers after the sounds of Fruit’s, somehow really adorable, snoring reached our ears.

“I’m surprised that you took that so well,” I hummed. The two of us, mostly me, had managed to calm down and now we were just enjoying some tea together like old times. “Though, did you have to summon Fruit at the crack of dawn? He did just get back from being held captive by King Sombra; you could’ve given him the time he needed to rest up.”

“Well, I wanted to make sure Fruit was doing okay, given that I’m also his friend, Chrysalis. As for how I handled your tirade, I believe I recall you saying ‘just fuck me already, you magnificent bitch’ before we bedded each other for the first time,” Celestia giggled. “How do I miss those times! I was blissfully unaware of my sister’s mental strife, and I thought I had met my soulmate…” We both took a deep sigh. So many memories, so many distant memories. “Perhaps at some point and time we can go back to that? Without the mental strife Lulu was having of course.”

“There is a chance. However, you are not getting in between me and my stallion, Sunbutt. I will not start a herd with you or anypony else.”

“No! I don’t know how I can live without my Fruity time!” Celestia chuckled. “Why must everypony I date either turn out to be a changeling, or evil? Perhaps I just like dating future villains…” A yellow light flashed above Celestia’s head, and a letter fell on the table between us. “Ah, that is Sombra’s seal. Perhaps he wishes to reform?” Celestia unrolled the letter and read it over. She took three double takes on a specific part of the letter before staring at Fruit Punch. “Oh my sun… Sombra must’ve gone insane. He has not called me ‘dear’ since he declared war on Equestria.”

“Well, he did attempt to tamper with Fruit Punch’s mind. Apparently whatever is held up in my coltfriend’s head is so horrible that it makes even the most evil of beings crumble at the sight of what Fruit’s mind holds. I am quite interested, but after some mild testing, I don’t think any changeling can mind control Fruit due to a mental illness that he seems to have. And even then, the kind of mind manipulation that Sombra uses is entirely different from changeling mind control; since all changelings, myself included, are locked into that one method, I cannot even begin to mind control my coltfriend if I tried my best.”

“Well, on the bright side, you will not have to worry about anypony kidnapping Fruit and wiping his memories.”

“Luckily that is not something I need to worry about. And if they succeed, Fruit will drive them insane.”

Fruit had woken up some time during mine and Celestia’s little meeting. Logically, we weren’t in the same room as my coltfriend at the moment, and of course Fruit went missing again. After consulting Skitter, who was present instead of the very pony he’s supposed to be guarding, we had been directed towards the guard training ground. Scatter was missing for some reason. Of course, of course my coltfriend couldn’t take a moment to just relax, could he? Well, as told, Fruit was indeed the guard training ground.

On a bench, Scatter, in a plush form(and now wearing a little cheerleader uniform as well) was sitting on a bench, silently cheering on Fruit as he trained.

“You know, if you want to watch Fruit dance, you could watch him at this year’s gala,” I glanced at Celestia for a brief moment before turning my attention back to the ongoing sparring match. For some reason, Fruit had decided to try and have a physical bout with an earth pony. What was most surprising was the amount of grace the unicorn’s movements were, almost as though he was dancing as he parried and weaved around his much stronger foe’s attacks. Despite the clear strain Fruit was under, I could see a smile on his face as he managed to score a blow on his foe.

And another in the same spot, on the earth pony’s right shoulder. Ah, a classic methodology in changeling fighting.

“Well, watching Fruit is quite entertaining. I don’t recall seeing a pony fight in the way he does, let alone a unicorn. For as long as I’ve known Fruit, I don’t think he’s shown great interests in using magic-”

Fruit’s horn ignited in a crystal blue aura as the same colored aura appeared on the earth pony’s foreleg, making his foe trip. In an instant, Fruit pinned him to the ground, before letting him up while laughing with his apparent friend.

“Ah man! You’re fucking awesome, Iron!” Fruit’s voice reverberated throughout the massive hall. It wasn’t hard to make out the conversation even from the observation deck.

“You’re not too shabby for a unicorn either, Fruit,” the stallion bonked Fruit on the nose. “Though I thought we agreed that you wouldn’t use magic, you dirty liar.”

“Look dude, that fight wasn’t ending anytime soon, and I think the Sun will set in the west before a unicorn outlasts an earth pony in a slugging match.”

“Duh, earth ponies aren’t just wingless or magic-less. We’ve got endurance, strength, and sturdiness in the bag when compared to the other tribes.”

“No feckin’ kidding, Iron. You almost cracked my ribs when you hit me earlier!”

“I see that Fruit has been training quite extensively,” Celestia said, somehow she had acquired a cup of tea. “I believe that you had him train in changeling fighting?”

“Of course I did. Fruit needs to be able to defend himself should the need arise. He’s dating me of all beings, Celestia. If you haven’t noticed, of all the races covering Equus, changelings are universally hated. Doesn’t matter if it’s a dragon, a pony, or even a goat; they all will hate changelings and respond with varying levels of violence. And that’s ignoring how other Hives look down upon how I tend to date ponies on the occasional… every other century. With that said, I have a target on my back even when my Hive is an ally of the strongest country on the planet.

“And that doesn’t even come close to explaining how in danger Fruit’s life is.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow. “Is it because of how much more vulnerable he is in comparison to you?” I simply nodded.

“Well, I don’t think you’ll have to worry too much,” Celestia said, gesturing down below.

Fruit had managed to subdue six guards and was in the process of taking down a seventh.

“I… I think Pharynx might be too good of a teacher,” I said while admiring my stallion. What? He’s quite sexy when he’s beating the shit out of Royal Guards… Oh! What would he look like in body armor? No enchantments to make him look like the rest of the Guards use. Just full on battle armor, that not only protects him, but lets Fruit move freely? Hmm. “Celestia,” the mare turned to me. “Can I commission something from the Royal Blacksmith?”

“Oh?” She asked innocently.

“Fruit Punch is going to look sexy in some armor.” Celestia just gave me a sly look.

“Oh. I see.” Celestia grinned while staring at Fruit.

“Find your own plaything!” Fruit stopped what he was doing, as did the rest of the guards in the hall, to look up at me after my little outburst. Celestia, now with a slice of cake, simply smiled politely as she regally ate a piece of said slice of cake… Dammit Celestia.

“Hey now,” Fruit was grinning maliciously. No, not really, it was more of a shit eating grin. “I wouldn’t mind bagging both a Queen and Princes-”

A whole cake smashed into the unicorn’s face.

Author's Note

And thus Fruit Punch shall... be invited to this year’s nightmare night in ponyvilel. via a lunar princess.

Fillies and colts will be traumatised by Fruit’s horror stories.

A Fruity Nightmare Night
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Not So Funny Story

A Fruity Nightmare Night

Of all the things to surprise me the most about being in Equestria, it’s the calendar system. Not due to how it’s structured or anything… Okay, it partially is for different reasons. Aside from months being partially based on pony puns for some reason(such as May being Neigh), it was pretty much identical to a calendar I’d see everyday on Earth, which is pretty interesting. Same dates, same way of tracking dates, twelve months are broken down into fifty-two weeks, which is then broken down into three hundred and sixty-five(ish) days. Holidays such as Valentine’s Day are on the same day, even if it is slightly different and goes by ‘Hearts and hooves day’.

Hell, the Great Galloping Gala is held on New Year's Day. Even Christmas seemed present even if it went under differing names.

Now, this is mostly important because Luna called me over this morning, which happens to be the date that Halloween is on Earth. So I was standing just outside of her private chambers, waiting for a guard to alert the lunar diarch that her friend is here. I looked at my very real, not imaginary watch, wondering how long it’ll be before I can even enter the room my friend’s in.

“Sorry about the wait sir. It is very hard to wake up an alicorn, especially without startling them.”

“Is it because said alicorn can blow your head off in a single telekinetic strike?”

“Yes sir.”

“Figured. I don’t blame you for taking a while then. Chrysalis has a mean left hook if you wake her up the wrong way.” Both me and the guard chuckled at that. Of course we’d be in the one country where most, if not all of the current leaders(given that Chrysalis also counts as a Princess in Equestria. She wasn’t happy with this, but Celestia and Luna do outrank her very slightly in terms of political power. So I bought Chryssy a ‘number one cuddle bug queen mug to make her feel better). I thanked the guard before trotting through the open door.

Luna was sitting on the couch, sipping on some sort of very strong coffee. I don’t know what it was, but it was so strong that I felt my body jolt with a newfound energy after just taking a whiff of it. Despite how Luna was also stuffing a donut in her mouth in a very un-royal fashion, she still found some way to look pretty regal. That was something both Celestia and Luna shared; they just find some way to be regal and mystical looking by just being. Granted, I still prefer Chryssy(she’s adorable, leave me alone).

“Greetings, Fruit Punch. I’m not like my sister, so I shall cut to the chase…” Luna paused to wipe a bit of jelly off her face with a donut. “Would you like to join me for Nightmare Night?’

“Is… that like Halloween? Y’know, dress up in costumes, get candy, and then annoy your parents while on a sugar high?” I asked.

“In a sense, yes. However, I believe the reasoning for ‘Halloween’ and Nightmare Night could not be any more different. Do tell me, what is Halloween based on?”

“No clue. Never really got to celebrate it. It’s kinda hard to Trick or Treat in a city where everyone is cranky and hates each other. I can’t imagine whatever Halloween is based off is too different from Nightmare Night-”

“Do you know of Nightmare Moon?” I nodded. “Nightmare Night celebrates Nightmare Moon’s defeat. My defeat. Over the millennia that I’ve been on the Moon, it slowly evolved into a lighthearted holiday where foals and ponies dress up and gather candy. I even had the pleasure of going to Ponyville to celebrate Nightmare Night, and found myself enjoying myself after learning that everypony enjoys being scared for some odd reason. I no longer question it, because it makes the foals happy…” Luna hummed.

I think she wants foals. Perhaps I can get her hooked up with somebody. Cadance won’t get mad at me for doing her job, right?

“Well, would you like to accompany me to Ponyville? We will leave at eight at night. So if you have any preparations you would like to make, such as a costume, then you may go and take care of that.”

“Yeah, I’ll go. Can Chrysalis come? I bet she’d love scaring the shit out of people while disguised as some kind of monster.”

Luna hummed. “Well, as ponies are saying it now… The more the merrier? But yes, I’d love to have Chrysalis come along!” Luna clapped her hooves. “This will be the best Nightmare Night ever!”

“Nightmare Night?”

Chrysalis asked, looking over my costume. Like any good man, or man child who loves horror movies, I decided to dress up as Jason Voorhees. Well, as close as I could get. I couldn’t get pants anywhere, which is probably for the best as just getting the jacket on was a nightmare. I had the hockey mask, but couldn’t buy a machete as ‘it’s for professionals only’, so I really just had the hockey mask and a jacket. I’d say I look pretty scary.

“Yeah, you wanna come with me and Luna?”

“Well, I suppose… Allow me to choose a costume as we go to meet Luna. You did only ask me to come along an hour before we are meant to go meet her.”

“Sorry… I was really busy with getting this costume just right. Surprisingly, it’s really hard to dress up like a psychotic murderer from a movie that doesn’t exist in this universe. I wonder why.” We both had a good chuckle at that as we both walked out the door… Chrysalis was engulfed in green fire, so I assume she already chose her costume.

“Did you really have to disguise yourself as that?” Luna asked as we touched down somewhere in the fields beyond Ponyville. After a quick meet up, explaining what my costume was(and Luna slapping me for it), we quickly hopped in the chariot on our way. Because Princess Celestia wearing a banana costume, for some odd reason, catches a lot of unwanted attention. To make things worse, a white coated, six foot tall, bright yellow suited alicorn with a LSD mane is easy to spot. I can’t guess why, but the truth will never be known to the world.

Celestia nodded. “Of course. Your sister has a strange obsession with bananas, and this will be a fun prank to pull on Twilight Sparkle. So of course I should take on your sister’s appearance.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “If it wasn’t for the fact that tonight is Nightmare Night, you would’ve been arrested for impersonating a political leader, and in my time, ripped limb from limb by the person you’re impersonating.”

“You wouldn’t though. We’re best friends!” ‘Celestia’ raised a hoof before drawing it back slightly. “And I guess we’re sisters while I’m like this, too.”

“Chryssy, I hate your costume,” I blurted out. “Can’t admire my favorite Changeling Queen of all time.”

“What about us sir?” Skitter and Scatter, who disguised themselves as Royal Guardsman in bananas, asked. Scatter was giving me that ‘how dare you’ look when Skitter asked that.

“That’s different. You guys are my favorite drones.” That got a smile out of my guards.

“Well, somepony needs to bring Princess Celestia down a peg. She’s a normal pony like anypony else, yet everypony treats her like a god, and I know that Celestia is sick of it.” Chrysalis, while perfectly mimicking her impersonatee's voice said before shaking her head. “It was either that or disguise myself as Discord. And I don’t feel like being hit with the Power of Friendship and have my remains blasted across Equus.”

“The fuck-”

“Don’t worry about it, Fruit.”

“But how the fuck is friendship so powerful? What is this? Some generic anime where a yellow haired guy becomes a yellow haired guy with longer hair because his friends believe in him from the grave?”

“Again, Fruit, don’t worry about it.”

“You know what? Good idea. Anyways, I’ll meet up with y’all later, I need to make a good entrance to make my costume work.”

“We will see you soon, then, Fruit!” Luna and ‘Celestia the banana’ waved at me as I lurked into the shadows.

I could hear Rainbow Dash laughing to herself, and with one peek around the corner, she was laughing at somebody she had just scared the shit out of. So I guess now would be the perfect time to scare the living daylights out of her. I turned to my guards, who had suddenly appeared, like they knew I was gonna ask them to show up or something. So logically, I had to ask them the most important question of the night.

“Skitter, Scatter, can you guys do illusion magic?” I whispered.

“Yes sir. You want us to make it foggy?” Skitter asked.

“Yes please!” I silently clapped my hooves as Skitter and Scatter got to work. Well, Skitter did. Scatter turned herself into a bloody machete for me to scare the ever fresh hell out of the resident Element of Loyalty. Rainbow’s laughing stopped as she slowly started getting creeped out as I did my best impression of Jason’s chant, slowly creeping in on the cyan pegasus from behind.

Ch ch ch, ah ah ah

Rainbow was shivering in her boots even if she wasn't showing it and trying to look brave. I was pretty much right on top of her. It was fun, watching Rainbow look everywhere but behind her. “Surprise mutha fucka!” I shouted at the time of my lungs, making my voice nice, deep, and bloody murdery. Rainbow screamed, falling to the ground as I raised my machete. “See you in hell, Rainbow Dash, I’ve been looking for you for a long time!”

Scatter turned into her natural form before I lobbed her on top of the panicking pegasus, effectively pinning Rainbow to the ground while eliciting another scream.

“That. Was. Hilarious!” I started laughing like an idiot while Rainbow glared at me from underneath her changeling paper weight.

“That was not funny! I thought I was going to die!” Rainbow shouted. “Who the hay even are you-”

I took my mask off.

“Sup. Before you ask, Princess Luna invited me to come here. I think she’s off with Chrysalis as Nightmare Moon doing whatever.”

“Fruit, you need to show me how you came up with that idea! That would be so awesome, scaring ponies like that!”

“Like how I made you scream like a foal with this idea?” I asked with a smirk.

“I will kick your teeth in.”

“No you won’t ma'am,” Skitter somehow pulled out a sword from… somewhere. Rainbow actually backed down because of that.

“Anyways, we humans have these things called movies, which are like animated comic books. Some are performed with actual humans, or with drawings. Doesn’t really matter, but we humans love horror for some reason. I’m currently dressed as a serial killer from one of those movies. Just be lucky I didn’t choose to be a sewer dwelling clown- wait, no, that movie was boring as fuck.”

“Wha?” Rainbow asked. “Nothing. Bye!” Me and my guards ran off to scare another bunch of ponies.

I had successfully scared the shit out of seventeen foals and a Pinkie Pie.

“Yeah! You think you know about Nightmare Night son?”

Oh cool. There’s a whole concert going on with Nightmare Moon, or just Luna using illusion magic and plastic fangs, acting as some guy with a red jacket and glasses gave a nice little rap about Nightmare Night. Twilight Sparkle was dressed as some famous wizard, can’t remember who, talking to the Banana. The poor unicorn’s face was bright red as Chryssy kept making sexual innuendos about bananas as Celestia dressed in a banana costume. Surprisingly, everyone was just staring wide eyed at the disguised Queen as she made a mockery of their princess.

“Welcome fillies and gentlecolts, there’s no reason to scream!” You know, this rap is kinda good. I’m just gonna sit at the concert while everyone hears Chrysalis deepthroat a banana. God I love that woman.

Oi, how is the song over already? What the fuck? Jeez, I really must’ve been really out of it, or that was a really short song.

“Now fillies and gentlecolts! It is time for the scary story competition. Whomever wins will get to spend the night with the Nightmare Moon! And the winner shall be spared from her wrath, and will get a portion of her offerings!” The guy who was just rapping backed away as the first contestant went up on stage and started to regal the tale of… Something in the Everfree forest. Every single one had the children scared, and some of the adults were also kinda spooked, which made me chuckle. Oh man, half the scary shit I could come up with. Hell, just the hunting methods of ancient humans would probably be enough to scare the daylights out of everypony here. Actually, that could be a good one, and if it wasn’t, it seemed as though everypony was telling more than one story when it was their turn to come up on stage.

Nightmare Moon grinned maliciously as she heard every tale, taking quite the joy in it all. Occasionally, she would peek at the children around her while they screamed.

You know, Freddy Krueger sounds like a good thing to tell. Because Luna would ban me from public speaking on Nightmare Nights, but it would be a good idea.

Oh fuck, it’s my turn. I raised a hoof up to my chest, took a deep breath, and walked up on stage. I took another deep breath, taking note that Chrysalis had long forgotten her Banalestia costume to listen to the story I was about to tell. “Well, ladies, gents, fillies and colts. I am here to tell you the tale of a monster unlike no other. One that hunts at night, with hooves that end in blades, waiting to grab any colt, filly, even a full grown stallion if given the opportunity. His name… is Freddy Krueger.

“Now, not many know of his motives, but it is theorized that the monster simply seeks revenge. What for? Nopony knows, not a soul. Not much is known about this monster, but it’s simply known that when somepony goes to sleep, the monster strikes with horrible, horrible Nightmares that not even Princess Luna can stop… If you see a disfigured stallion in these nightmares, then it is already too late; you will die. Even Nightmare Moon is terrified because she is susceptible to this monster’s attacks.”

“It is true, I have battled this creature. So far, I have managed to come out unscathed, but this Freddy Krueger is getting dangerously close when I slumber,” Nightmare Moon winked at me, playing into what I was telling. Everpony was shivering in their boots, even Twilight Sparkle was at this point even if she looked a tiny bit unconvinced.

“Freddy Kruger simply seeks revenge? What for? Nopony knows, but I have a theory. Freddy Krueger was supposedly killed in a tragic, horrible way. Freddy, being the spiteful pile of filth that he is, took to the dream realm last second, killing the children and descendants of those who had wronged him. Due to how old this tale is, nopony knows who these descendants are… But!” I pointed to a random filly. “It could be you!” I pointed to another. “Or you!” I pointed to myself and let my voice get really gravelly. “Or me… So you best not sleep tonight, everypony, because you could be Freddy’s next victim!” Lightning conveniently flashed behind me.

Oh, half the ponies in the crowd had fainted.

Fuck.

“You’re banned from Nightmare Night, Fruit,” Luna whacked me over the head with one of the bags of candy she had gotten from her offerings. I had a nice medal around my neck along with a ribbon for my victory in the Scary Story Contest. Yes, very creative naming. It’s like the author couldn’t come up with anything better than that at the moment. Fucking idiot.

“Yeah.”

“Do you know how many nightmares you’re going to cause because you decided to be your human self and tell the scariest thing you could think of!”

“Look, you played into it by saying Freddy even rivals and has nearly gotten you in the past, Nightmare Moon!” I laughed as Luna facehoof. “Seriously, sorry about the amount of Nightmares you’ll have to deal with.”

“I liked your story, Fruit. Even if it is a bit far fetched. Nopony can overpower Luna in the dream realm. Aside from somepony named ‘Blank’, but doesn’t exist,” Chrysalis got close to my ear. “Perhaps I can be your worst nightmare tonight?”

“So you wanna have sex?”

“I was trying to be smooth!” Chrysalis snorted.

“I was being blunt.”

“Can you two not do this in the chariot? I don’t think my guards can handle unicorn on changeling action,” Luna groaned.

“I don’t think the world could handle some of the things the Queen shouts when she has intercourse with Fruit,” Skitter said nonchalantly, reading a comic book he had bought while in Ponyville.

“I do not-”

“You screamed ‘take me, punch me like your name implies, Fruit!’ and was subsequently said when Fruit didn’t want to actually hit you.”

“What the fuck? Did you say similar things to Celestia while you two were dating?” Luna asked.

“Of course. It’s in the archives-”

A bag of candy smacked Skitter in the face.

Later that week, Chrysalis got a cease and desist letter from Celestia over her costume on Nightmare Night.

There are Many Bughorses Like This one, but This One is Mine.
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Not So Funny Story

There are Many Bughorses Like This one, but This One is Mine.

The sounds of customers chatting filled up the dining room as I walked towards the exit of the Hayburger joint I was working at. I had just finished up an early morning to 3:00 PM shift, which I had chosen because… I had something planned. You see, I was having a jolly old time during a little meeting when learning about how the Crystal Empire was essentially Atlantis, then some asshole named King Sombra took me away after I just flirted with Chryssy. I told her I wanted to go on a date, not have sex… what else did you think I whispered to her?

Plus, we’ve already had that at some point. Sex, not the date.

We went on one date actually during the whole year we’ve been dating, which in my opinion, sucks. Sure, we lived together, but I wanted to have a nice dinner with her at some fancy restaurant that’ll give you three ounces of cat food, or another round of mini golf. Just something to spend some proper bonding time with my marefriend. And hopefully somewhere quiet. Some of the nobles have been very vocal about how much they don’t like the changelings(mostly because they don’t buy food or clothing from said nobles’ businesses because they either hand{hoof?} make them, or magically transform to have said articles of clothing. Also changelings like eating food, but they don’t need food.) So I would like to keep my Chryssy away from assholes like that.

Even if she says she can handle being insulted, I cannot handle having her be insulted. Especially because I know it does affect her to some amount.

While I was walking down the street, I noticed a flower and chocolate shop right next door. Oddly, this was really convenient since Chryssy talked about a specific chocolate shop in Canterlot she likes to go to on occasion. And because this is a poorly written comedy with an emphasis on the story, I think this is the shop she was talking about. Something about the shop being right next door to a flower shop. It was an odd thing, but changelings love chocolate almost as much as they love…. Well, love. And Chrysalis was a borderline chocolate connoisseur, considering milk chocolate to be pretty trashy.

I don’t know how I could handle Chrysalis not liking milk chocolate. a few kisses and a couple of fun sessions in bed probably helped me with Chryssy definitely helped.

A cuddle session, in bed, The session that involves: I snuggle up to Chryssy and she can then use me as a pillow. That kind of session.

So I walked on into the flower shop, bought some flowers, went right next door, bought a box of chocolate and went on my way. I held both the bouquet of flowers and the box of chocolate in my magic. I don’t know how I managed to live without having what is basically telekinesis since I’ve become a unicorn; having magic really is a game changer. Granted, I would still rather use my hooves for a majority of what I’m doing since my magic is pretty basic and crude at best, but for walking around and holding things, magic was pretty much on top; it’s even better than hands.

Plus I started to make two orders at once at Hayburger while using my magic. Apparently my magic is pretty decent according to Flip, but I think he’s just being nice.

Magic aside, today is going to be perfect, the kind of day I dreamed since I was small. Where I’d get to have my date, without the world at stake, with the mare that I love with my all. Tonight will be perfect. So I kept happily trotting along, happily humming a familiar tune to myself the whole time. Truly nothing can go wrong-

“Give me all your money, anything you think is worth money; everything you’ve got, and you won’t get hurt!” Somepony with a ski mask and a knife came out. He was an orange unicorn, holding the knife in a yellowish magic, and he looked pretty dangerous, not gonna lie. Very deadly… Like a sentient teddy bear in a daycare. I glanced left and right, and saw Skitter sitting with a baseball bat and Scatter holding a crossbow. Skitter gave me a nod; he wants to see me defend myself. The robber was beginning to get impatient with my lack of compliance.

There was a nice, spare brick on the ground, long forgotten by the builders of old. I think I’ll grab that with my head penis.

“Look, give me everything valuable that you have on you, and you get to leave unharmed.” The robber growled.

“Dude, can we not do this tonight? I was planning on having a nice, fun day with my marefriend since it’s been a while since we could just hangout. You mind pissing off before you get clubbed in the back of the head by a changeling holding a baseball bat after getting shot in the ass by another changeling with a crossbow?”

“Wha?” The robber cocked his head before shaking it. “Look, just give me your money, and nopony goes home in a body bag.”

I pointed behind the robber. “Look! It’s Princess Celestia in lingerie!” I shouted. Everypony in the general area stopped looking at the robbery taking place, looking towards where I was pointing. The robber wasn’t convinced so I couldn’t go and sucker punch him. That’s a shame, if only he noticed the brick slowly approaching him from behind with my magic holding it.

The robber simply growled. “If you don’t give me your money right now-”

A brick dropped on his head and knocked him out. It made a coconut sound. Skitter and Scatter nodded to me, putting their weapons away to… somewhere. I don’t know since their weapons sorta… just vanished.

“Don’t ruin my perfect little day, you fuck face. Have a good day in jail!” I waved as Skitter, disguised as a Royal Guard(I could tell by the eyes still being very changelingy) came out of the alleyway and began to drag the unconscious son of a bitch off of the street. I chuckled.

“Good work sir, using your environment to your advantage. You’re already thinking a bit like a changeling- guh?”

I booped Scatter on the nose.

“Sir! I have a reputation to uphold!”

“And?”

“I care not for it!” I laughed as I nuzzled Scatter’s cheek and kept on walking.

“So, you plan on taking the Queen on a date?” Scatter asked.

“Yup. It’s been a hot minute since the last one, and I’ve been itching for some time alone with her.” Scatter then slipped me two tickets to some play. “Are you certain you don’t need money? Like I’ll pay you every bit I own.” Another two tickets were handed to me, for dinner at a nice little restaurant for a play not too far from the theater the play was being held out. “Scatter, it’s like you want me to kiss you on the lips.”

“Well sir, if you did that, then Queen Chrysalis would have both our heads. I am just making sure the Queen’s date is a pleasant one.”

“You, young lady, just earned yourself several belly rubs later.” Scatter gave me the cutest, fang filled smile ever and happily skipped alongside me, being very influenced by my chipper mood. Skitter dropped in beside his sister before the two changelings quickly vanished from view. It’s a shame that they have to guard me while being hidden from view; I wanna talk to them while I walk along.

“I’m home!” I announced, closing the front door, and wandering around the house. No… Chryssy so far. Usually that big bug was sitting on the couch with her nose deep in a crossword book. So not seeing her there was a surprise. After a few minutes of wandering around the house, I looked inside my bedroom and… there was Chrysalis, laying in our bed, nose deep in a crossword book. Wow, I am surprised. Very surprised.

I hopped up in the bed and immediately curled into my marefriend’s form. “Hey Chryssy,” I handed the big bug the box of chocolate and bouquet of flowers that I had bought. That snapped her from her little stupor of giggles; she just finished one of the crossword puzzles. Oh man those giggles, the very ones that made me love Crystal Clear, were almost identical to Chrysalis’s giggles, even if they were slightly layered and had a pleasant buzz underneath her vocals. Chrysalis as a whole was adorable.

“You’re fucking adorable when you finish a crossword book. All giggly like a schoolgirl staring at some kid she has a crush on.”

“Well, crosswords are fun, and it’s always nice to finally complete your daily quota of crosswords. I wish you were home more often and less busy with training or work; I want to do these with you on occasion…” Chrysalis eyed the chocolate and the flowers. “What is with these? Do you want something-”

She stopped when I planted a kiss on her cheek,

“Yeah, I wanted to take you out on a date. It’s been a wee bit since the last date, with politics, your children wanting to attend a wedding and it causing a national emergency… Oh, and me getting kidnapped by Pony Hitler and being held captive for a week. We haven’t really gotten a chance for a second date… Ever. And I want to spend time with you, just me, you, and whatever the heck the two of us want to do out in the city. Hell, a picnic would be nice as long as I get to have one with you. So I took a morning shift today, had three cups of triple strength coffee, and had today planned up until this point.

“So what do you want to do Chryssy? Wanna just do crosswords with me? Go out for lunch? Whatever you wanna do.” I pulled out two sets of tickets, the very ones Scatter gave me earlier. “We even got tickets to a play and reservations in what is apparently a really nice restaurant if you wanna go that route.”

Chrysalis hummed. “Well, I would love a chance to enamour you with a dress I’ve bought recently, so perhaps we can go for a stroll around the city? If something catches our eyes, we can do whatever that thing is. Then I can show you the new Hive underneath Canterlot, we can stop back here, get dressed and head for that play and dinner.”

“Sounds like a plan to me!” I jolted when a green aura picked me up and I was suddenly muzzle to muzzle with my marefriend. And… Now my brain isn’t working. Chrysalis just kissed me on the lips, and now I can’t comprehend how I got so lucky with the mare I was dating. Took a chance, took a turn, took a dive, and landed on this mare. Now, I was expecting to be dating a human woman at some point in the future, but given how that is physically impossible, I don’t even mind. I got my Chryssy, and I’m happy.

“Yuck! Why is that big bug walking around?”

Well, there goes my mood. You see, me and Chrysalis were having a lovely conversation about how well the changelings have adapted to their new Hive, Equestrian laws that they have to follow in order to remain within the Hive and Equestria such as coming up with disguises that isn’t somepony that already lives in a town, no kidnapping, all that fun stuff. I told Chrysalis of the changeling that turned into a plush while I was selling pizzas that one time. Apparently said changeling now has a pony family to feed off of and to cuddle with.

“Yeah! And it’s that stupid pony that’s dating her.”

“Why did we walk into the snobbish part of Canterlot again?” I asked.

“I believe we were too busy enjoying ourselves to notice,” Chrysalis patted me on the head. “Come now, pay them no heed. It would be wise-”

Somebody threw a bottle at the back of my head, which was caught midair by Chrysalis herself. Sweet Chryssy, she looks mad. Chrysalis took a deep breath before her horn ignited and the two of us were back at home again. I hopped up on my hind legs and grab Chrysalis’s face with both hooves, trying to calm her down. Her ears were literally fuming with steam.

“Breath in,” I instructed. As instructed, Chrysalis took a deep breath. “Breathe out.” We repeated this until my marefriend had calmed down a little bit. “Better?”

“I am. However, I would have been perfectly happy if somepony didn’t throw a glass bottle at the back of your head.”

“And I’d be just as angry in somepony did the same to you…” We both sighed. “We need a random, remote island the two of us can just go to sometime.”

“That wouldn’t work. My drones can do fine on their own for an extended period of time, but they simply feel happier when I am in close proximity. It’s why my drones all still reside in Canterlot. And as their Queen and surrogate mother, I’d like to make sure the Swarm is happy and well. It’s why I actually got the negotiations for the Hive’s integration into Equestria done so quickly; they’ll be happier with being closer to their food, and don’t have to be disguised if they choose not to.” Chrysalis took a deep breath. “Okay, let us go attend that play… First, I would like to put a dress on.”

“Do I have to put a suit on?”

“That would be nice. I love a stallion who can dress up for special occasions-”

A flash of magic engulfed my form. Now I was dressed up in a suit, a nice, black one that I got at some point, the same one Rarity made for me just before the Royal Wedding. Ah, good times. I got done looking myself over in the mirror before Chrysalis’ reflection appeared next to mine, and what I saw made my jaw drop. Chrysalis was wearing a nice, simple, blue dress with a few sparkles here and there. A heart shaped pendant hung just above her chest, which was accentuated by the deep cut in the neck.

The dress snuggly hugged Chrysalis’s barrel and panned out into a simple skirt that fell simply draped over her lower half of her body. The dress left Chrysalis’s hindlegs exposed to the world, but hid her flanks in a way that had to be deliberately designed to tease anypony who likes said flanks. I fit into that category, apparently. Do I have any shame in that? No. Not at all.

Chrysalis was even wearing earrings. Very pretty.

Chrysalis’s mane was even styled to somehow make it longer than usual, and it more lush than it usually does to boot. Holy fuck. What the fuck. Chrysalis, I am trying to enjoy my time with you, but how can I do that with you looking sexy as fuck. She even had boots on, similar to Celestia’s and Luna's horseshoes, but they went higher up and were made of… leather. The first set of boots, on her forelegs, went up to her knees(elbows?). Her hindlegs’ boots went up to her thighs. Not sure where that leather was sourced from, but I won’t question it. Why do you ask?

“Oh. My. Fucking. God.” I turned to get a good look at the real thing.

“So, how do I look?” Chrysalis asked teasingly.

“Are you certain you’re not a goddess of some sort?”

“I am certain, Fruit. I don’t have shrines, and I do not believe I’m omnipotent. Why do you ask?”

“No reason in particular. I was just curious. You look amazing by the way.”

“And you are quite handsome!” Chrysalis brought a hoof up to my jaw and rubbed it. “And I saw you trying to get a peek at my flanks, you little pervert.”

“Can you blame me for admiring my girlfriend’s ass?”

“And now you call me a donkey. Blasphemy!”

“Whoa!” I hugged Chrysalis and nuzzled her. “So, to that play and then dinner?”

“That was the plan, was it not?” I nodded dumbly and walked side by side with my marefriend out the bedroom and back onto the streets of Canterlot.

“Ah, Queen Chrysalis! We were expecting you!” some stallion trotted away from whoever the heck he was talking to to come and talk to us. “We heard that you would be attending a play with your consort. I hope it is up to your liking, as I don’t know if changelings even like plays,” the stallion chuckled. “So welcome to my theater! I hope you enjoy the show we’ll be putting on tonight. And don’t worry, you two will be in the booth.”

“That would be lovely. I wouldn’t want to make anypony run away because they still don’t like changelings for whatever reason. Even if the invasion mostly ended off with my drones cuddling anything remotely pony shaped.” Chrysalis hummed. “So what is this play about, before we even walk into the theater.”

“Just a classic, the Alicorn Wars: The Tale of a Fallen Moon.” That made my ears perk up. “Oh? Does that sound like a play you’d enjoy, Mr. Fruit Punch?”

“Oh, I was hoping to learn more about that, but all the books on that are so obscure and lack any and all detail in any history book I could find.” Sure, I could ask a Princess, but I’m not certain how Celestia would react, or if Luna would yell at me for being an insensitive prick that only seeks knowledge.

It’d be hurtful and accurate if Luna called me that.

“Luckily for you, my friend, Princess Luna came down and helped us make our play a little more historically accurate even if a couple things here and there are changed for dramatic effect. I’m sure as somepony like yourself who seems to love history will love the play. Now come, time is finite, and I’m certain you two would just love to see the play!”

“That was a decent play,” I commented as we walked out of the theater.

“It was, even if it was over-dramatized.”

“I think I woulda liked a comedic downplay of everything. Like Luna decided to kill Celestia because Celestia ate the last of her favorite cereal.”

“I… Did not think you’d want to see a comedy, Fruit.”

“Oh no, I still loved the play. Comedy has been an interest of mine at some point, even studied it for a bit until I learnt that I suck at it.” We began making our way towards the restaurant Scatter had made reservations for. “And sometimes, I do still love a good comedy show, even though I did really like the Fallen Moon. I also probably just wanted to hear you laugh; it’s contagious and has no right to be as cute as it is.”

“Are you saying I am not allowed to be cute?”

“Yes,” Chrysalis’s form dropped slightly. “You are criminally cute, like it’s almost unfair. You’re so fucking adorable; your giggles, laughs, just everything about you is cute. Hell, when I first saw your actual face, I thought you were the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve got to pet sit puppies before,” I got up on my hindlegs to whisper into Chryssy’s ear. “You are the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love you.” That got Chryssy standing up tall.

“You and your desires to just make me feel like the luckiest changeling in the world.”

“You’re also the prettiest changeling in the world.”

The two of us walked into the restaurant and began to enjoy the rest of our night together.

Author's Note

chrysalis’s dress is a more a more blue version of this

Revisiting Ponyville
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Not So Funny Story

Revisiting Ponyville

Dear Fruit Punch,

After all the excitement with the Royal Wedding and your subsequent foal napping, I would like you to come to Ponyville for the time being. Mostly so I can ask you questions about your previous… race and dimension. I would also like it if you brought Queen Chrysalis and a changeling or two so I may study them as well. So please come whenever you can and meet me and the Golden Oaks Library in Ponyville; I will be there.

I know this is all sudden, but I’ve rarely had even just the chance to breathe in the last four months thanks to everything crazy going on! If train tickets are an issue, I can ask Princess Celestia if she would be willing to offer transport.

Your friend, Twilight Sparkle.

P.S: My friends and I would also like to simply catch up with you. See you soon!

“So, do you actually want to go to Ponyville, Fruit?” Chrysalis asked, looking over the letter she had just read with me. Well, rather, she was reading the letter after I told her about the contents of it. “And while I do not mind being studied, especially so it’ll keep ponies from saying we’re made of ‘dark goo of evil’, I would also like to stay here in Canterlot. Twilight did not say we have to go to Ponyville. So the question still stands; do you want to go to Ponyville?”

“I mean, it sure is nice, despite the stupid as fuck name it has. It’s like if we named Canterlot ‘Unicorn City’ or your Hive ‘Changeling Town’. The only name, for a town, that is dumber than that is from this one show from back home with three superpowered, artificial girls. Forgot the name, but I knew the main setting of the town named ‘Townsville’ or some shit.”

Chrysalis snorted at that.

“Well, I would not mind sharing some information on my species, and Thorax and your guards can come along. Thorax mainly because of how friendly he is with ponies; he’s even foalsat for several families recently. And your guards because Skitter and Scatter are obligated to be at your side at all times. Especially after you got ‘kidnapped’ by Sombra. I don’t trust you to not somehow fall in a hole or get stuck in a one room house.”

“Hey now, I can fend for myself. You’ve seen, and witnessed firsthand, how my training’s been going! You just let me keep your guards because they really like me.”

“...That is partially why, but it would be nice to know that you have backup should you need it.”

“So, should we take a sky chariot or a train?”

“I would say a sky chariot; it only takes an hour compared to the day-long trip by train.”

“Fair enough. I’ll get motion sickness, but it’s worth saving the time.”

“I believe I can fix that for you.” Chrysalis’s horn began to glow.

So, magic is stupidly broken I guess.

That’s my only thought as I sat cuddled up to my Chryssy as we flew through the sky in the chariot. Later I would learn that Chrysalis hit me with a spell that made me feel like I had a nice dose of xanax. So I was as chill as a cucumber, because now I was definitely not going to feel sick while under a magical drug of some sort. It was either that or I got knocked out by magic and dragged into Ponyville.

That other solution was kinda illegal and would like really bad if Chrysalis did it.

Luckily while on drugs, I noticed that my changelings smelled like my changelings, and Chrysalis smelled a lot like Chryssy… Don’t do drugs kids, even if you are unknowingly slipped some drugs. However, I don’t know why I put a warning here, I don’t think any goats are gonna be reading my mind any time soon.

Anyways, I felt normal the very moment the chariot touched the ground. “Now I can remove that medicinal spell that I am certain that you won’t regurgitate your lunch on me,” Chrysalis smiled as my mind finally began to work properly because I was not under the influence.

“So, does that count as getting unwillingly drugged?”

“It does, but you did agree to it purely so you wouldn’t feel sick from flying through the sky at a hundred gallops an hour.”

“Fair enough.”

Chrysalis quickly took her Crystal Clear disguise. There wasn’t a reason behind this, as it was legal for Chryssy to walk around without a disguise, and is protected by the law so nobody can lynch her for no reason. Perhaps it’s because she’s well aware that I find that form cute, even if I would prefer proper Chrysalis, as tall as Celestia, can crush my head by hugging me too hard, Chrysalis. However, ‘Crystal Clear’ gets really close to that, given the sentiments behind it.

“Have I ever mentioned that you’re stupidly cute, even without this disguise?” I asked.

Chrysalis burped.

“Fruit, please do not overfeed the Queen, or she will be belching with the same power behind it as Luna does while drunk and doing the Canterlot Royal Voice,” Skitter shuddered. “Or any changeling for that matter; they will be like foals running on coffee.”

“I get the message… So keep flirting with Chrysalis and kissing her and stuff.”

“Yes,” Scatter said with a grin.

“So where’s Thorax? Wasn’t he supposed to come?”

Thorax was currently sitting in a school house in Canterlot. Every foal in the room was cuddled up with him in a little pony pile. Celestia, being the teacher at said school, simply shook her head. “I don't recall saying anypony can bring their foalsitter for show and tell, but I suppose it isn’t against the rules either…” The scene before Celestia was unbelievably adorable and she was struggling not to join in on the changeling cuddling.

She didn’t last very long. Thorax was just happy to have so many friends, including a very warm Celestia.

“Thorax was preoccupied. It turns out that there are no laws against changelings being kidnapped, and someling.” Chrysalis glared at Scatter. “Said that being dragged into a pony’s home to be cuddled with, against anyling’s will, is the best thing in the world.”

“Damn. That's crazy,” I can only recall kidnapping Scatter a couple times when she was supposed to be training. We did things that would ruin her reputation, such as me actually petting her. Not sex, we aren’t dating after all.

Somepony wearing a wizard hat and some cape was just in the center of town, challenging various unicorns to magical duels or whatever. Well, the duels pretty much boiled down to that pony just outright harassing unicorns; even the ones that declined the challenge. So you can imagine how happy I was when that purple unicorn pointed directly at Chrysalis and challenged her to a magical duel. I snarled, thinking of all the ways I could kick this unicorn’s ass, but Chrysalis put a hoof on my shoulder.

“Fruit, I can handle a unicorn. Even if that unicorn is being helped heavily by an ancient artifact that is supposed to be illegal,” Chrysalis’s form dropped as she stepped forward, batting aside a telekinetic blast from ‘the Great and Powerful Trixie’. Another blast shot from the unicorn, and Chrysalis decided to simply tank the hit with a shield. It cracked slightly, but it withstood the blast. “So just sit your sexy little flank, and allow me to deal with our new friend. Capiche?” I nodded.

“Give her hell, honey!”

“So you aren’t even a unicorn? But the changeling Queen responsible for invading Canterlot? Perhaps Trixie will be a hero-”

Trixie got picked up by a green aura, being lifted into the air, before a pie flew into her face. Chrysalis brought a hoof up to her lips as she snickered, and started casually eating a slice of apple pie while batting aside another blast from Trixie. It was kinda fun to watch, as Chrysalis even turned into a kitten part of the way through dodging, a rabbit, and even a plush version of herself for a moment as she made a show of kicking Trixie’s ass. Trixie eventually got mad and eventually just plucked Chrysalis off the ground with her own magic and proceeded to repeatedly beat the Queen into the ground.

“D'aww… is the changeling Queen truly that weak? Trixie knew she would reign in triumph against such a foul creature.” Okay, fuck it, I’m kicking this bitch’s shit in.

While Trixie was laughing her ass off, I started walking around the town square’s edge. I kept on going, taking note of how Chrysalis currently kept weight off her left foreleg. That alone made me feel zero remorse as I slammed my hoof into the side of Trixie’s head while she was still facing Chrysalis. At first her head simply jerked forward, so I slapped her again and she crumpled to the ground. I snorted and threw the unicorn on my back.

“Fruit, do not do anything too drastic to that unicorn,” Chrysalis stood up straight. She was covered in scratches and her carapace was cracked in several places. “I know what Trixie is wearing, and I’m well aware of how it affects a pony’s actions and emotions. While I would love to execute her, Trixie at least deserves a chance to take that horrible amulet off of herself, and then be set free.”

“But she put that shit on-”

“A pony cannot be held accountable for their actions if under the influence of a spell, curse, drugs, alcohol, or charms.” My eyes twitched. “So we cannot hold Trixie accountable. I know, it is stupid, but I suppose it makes sense to some extent. Imagine if somepony forced you to wear that amulet against your will?” I suppose… that makes sense. Still a very abusable law, but it makes some sense. But… my anger for that stupid law immediately dropped, just like Trixie when I ran up to Chrysalis to check her over.

“Did your leg get hurt?”

“A simple strain.”

“And the cracked carapace?”

“Just a scratch!”

“Chrysalis, you are hurt. Let me-”

“Fruit, you should know that I can heal very, very quickly, especially with you overloading me with love all the time. I will be fine in an hour- oof!” Chrysalis took a step back as I wrapped my hooves around her neck. She paused for a second before wrapping her legs around my neck.

“I don’t care if you’ll be fine! You got hurt! Let me help you!”

“I swear, you act more like a mare than actual mares do.”

“Well-“

“I know. You just love me.” Chrysalis’s voice got significantly warmer as she planted a kiss on my forehead.

“If it’s any correlation, Fruit, Chrysalis did just prove that changelings can be very powerful despite how limited their spell arsenal is.” I turned my head to see the wild Twilight Sparkle, the Purple Unicorn, stepped forward, glaring at Trixie. “I don’t think anypony could withstand or even match a unicorn being powered up by a charm.

“At my best without any love, I would be much weaker than you, Twilight. I’m only as powerful as I was because I’ve been constantly fed love for weeks. So take that as your first note; changeling Queens get much, much stronger when full on love, and even stronger when being overloaded with love.” Twilight pulled out a paper and quill from… fuck all if I know. The prospect of Trixie being here was silenced when Skitter stuck a magic prohibitor on her horn, and Twilight immediately got to wanting to study us.

After quickly writing that first note, Twilight went to go check on her friends, as they were some of the ponies who had been harassed by Trixie during the whole ordeal.

“Let’s go find a hotel room while Twilight checks on her friends,” Chrysalis said. She began to take a step before I stopped her.

“Fine, but shrink yourself down, Chrysalis. I’m not letting you walk until you’re healed up.” Chrysalis turned to about the size of a filly, and her body proportions matched that. “And of course you choose to make yourself unbelievably adorable…” I picked Chrysalis up in my forelegs and began walking, on my hindlegs, towards the town map board to find where the motel was. I knew I got a few weird looks for being a pony walking on two legs, but I didn’t care. I made sure to nuzzle Chrysalis and dote her for being stupidly adorable to make sure her healing expedited.

Cuddles have love, love feeds changelings. Nuzzles overcharge them with love.

“You know, if you keep treating me like I am actually your foal, I might choose this form more often. I like being babied.” Chrysalis hummed as I started rubbing her belly.

“I’d do that anyway without you looking like a foal. It’s just really hard to do that because you’re about twice as tall as I am, but I’d still try to do it anyway. Especially if it makes you happier” I began to rub Chrysalis’s belly with a hoof as I hobbled on forward.

“Good… I didn’t know belly rubs were so pleasurable until I met you.” Chrysalis moaned and started to drool as I rubbed her belly.

You adorable, little shit.

Motel room check, Chryssy has recovered, check, Trixie gave a formal apology to everpony in Ponyville, blah, blah, blah. Yadda, dada, dada, we’re standing out front of Twilight’s library now.

“You know Fruit, we could just have a picnic and call it a date. It’s a lovely day, and after being smashed into the ground several times by a cute mare, I could use a break from the excitement of today,” Chrysalis hummed.

“Hold it, I didn’t know you were into dating mares! Did being smashed feel good at least-” Chrysalis’s hoof hit me upside the head.

“You and I both know what I meant by that; do not twist my words you naughty little stallion, or I might threaten to smash you into the ground. And that-”

“Is something I’d be completely down for.”

“WHAT?” Chrysalis shouted before taking a deep breath. “I should have seen that coming,” Chryssy said, now her cheeks were slightly red. Score!

“Anyways, we did agree to come to Ponyville to be labrats for a little while. We might as well get it over with now so that we can have that picnic later.”

“I suppose you do drive a good point. Let us get this nightmare over with.” Chrysalis stepped forward. “Do you always have to walk at my flanks? Or do you just like admiring my rear end?”

“Well, it’s mostly out of respect that I walk at your flanks and not your side. Though the view from back here is a nice-”

“Walk beside me, Fruit. We are equals.” Chrysalis opened the door and walked inside, with me at her side, and Twilight and her friends were lounging about. All six of them perked up at the sound of the door squeaking and announcing our presence. So logically everyone in the room stared at us for a few moments, when Pinkie began to grin like an idiot. The party pony took a deep breath before speaking.

“We should host a party! The Welcome Back to Ponyville, Fruit Punch, and Welcome back to Ponyville Without Being Disguised Chrysalis, and Congrats on Defeating The Great and Powerful Trixie Party later! I think you guys are gonna-” Pinkie’s voice was muffled by a green aura, keeping the words in the pink pony’s mouth as she yampered on about how awesome Chrysalis’s performance was. Chrysalis then cleared and throat and lowered her mouth to my ear.

“Did you manage to recreate a human drug for your world and give it to Pinkie Pie?”

“I don’t think any human drugs can recreate whatever the fuck Pinkie is doing right now. She hasn’t taken a breath in the last fifteen minutes; no drugs do that to you.”

“So Fruit! I would like to welcome you and Chrysalis back into Ponyville. For now, we’re just gonna have a nice little chat and catch up a bit.”

“Color me surprised. You don’t immediately want to start bisecting me now that you know that I’m an alien.”

“Well, after you just watched your special somepony get thrashed about, I managed to talk Twilight into putting her studies on hold for the time being. Today, you and Chrysalis are simply here to catch up with us… And I would love to talk to a Queen even if she… isn’t what I imagined a Queen would look like,” Rarity hummed.

“If you’re implying that Chrysalis is ugly, I’m gonna have a word with you, Rarity.”

“No! No! No! I did not mean that-”

“She was implying it. I caught your hesitation in describing me,” Chrysalis chuckled. “Though I suppose the symbol of regality and royalty for you ponies would be something more akinned to somepony such as Princess Celestia, or perhaps even Princess Luna to a lesser degree. So, what do you all wish to discuss?”

“I heard Fruit’s been taking martial arts lessons. Is that true?” Rainbow asked.

“Kinda. I’m a layman in unicorn and earthpony martial arts. However, I have been told that I’m pretty proficient in a changeling’s style of martial arts.”

“As in… You gave Shiny a run for his money during a practice bout.”

“He kicked my ass.”

“And Shiny watched you beat seven guards at once, and nearly took down an eighth while just sparring!” Twilight threw both her hooves in the air. “And you say you’re a novice at fighting.”

“That is the purpose of changeling martial arts. It is good against groups, but terrible for singular combat even if it is a viable option. Changelings usually operate alone while out in the field, hence the horrible one on one effectiveness of our fighting methods. Fruit doesn’t like to play fair, hence his own effectiveness in taking on groups.” Chrysalis hummed.

“Wanna have a tussle then? I’d love to wrestle somepony who actually knows how to wrestle. Apple Jack’s good and all, but-”

“As in Ah beat her every time,” the farm pony interjected.

“I want somepony who can give me a run for my money.”

“Sure. Just remind me before I go back to Canterlot and you can kick my shit in.” Rainbow nodded with that same ol’ cocky smirk.

Pinkie, randomly, decided to get up and trot out of the room, telling all of us to meet her in Sugarcube Corner in half an hour. So we sat and chatted throughout that half hour. We were not ready for what she had planned for us.

Author's Note

Watch out, the Wild Twilight Sparkle will hug you.

My Time In Ponyville
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Not So Funny Story

My Time In Ponyville

Twilight and her friends left for Sugarcube corner a little bit earlier than we and Chrysalis, who had opted to stay in the library and enjoy a nice ‘study session’. We actually did study, by the way, it just involved me and Chryssy being cuddled up together on a cushion while we read something very educational such as a Daring Do book. All in all, the book wasn’t too bad, but I wanted a human book. Every book that involves telling a story ends in a good way for everyone involved, and not with at least somebody dying even though the best authors are willing to kill off a character they put love and care into.

If I can ever find a way home, I don’t think I will return to stay because my place is with Chrysalis now, but I might break into a book store and steal a fuck load of human books. Then have them all mass produced and sell them under another man’s name. Or just keep them for myself; Twilight would be jealous that I have books that she can’t have in her library.

Chrysalis’s tail eventually uncurled around my form, putting the book back where we got it, and got up with a cat-like stretch. “Come now, Fruit. Pinkie Pie has planned a party in our honor; it would be rude to not show up, but I believe we have reached the point and time that we’ll be fashionably late. So how does it sound, when we go to the party, as dates?”

“You know this probably won’t be fancy, right? We don’t need to be dates…” I grinned as I hopped up to my girlfriend’s side. “So we can probably get away with showing up and making out in the corner for thirty seconds in between dances.”

“You drive a good point, Fruit. I thought you would like to go to the party as a date; it’d be fitting with your name, you know.” We both walked out the door and I pounced on Chrysalis after realizing the stupid pun she had just made. “You just hate my humor!” Chrysalis teased as she pranced on ahead, doing her cute little giggles, while I did my best to capture her. “Catch me if you can, Fruitypoo!” She took to the sky and I started barking like a dog as I bolted after her.

Eventually our game of tag ended up with me, on Chrysalis’s back, with my legs all tied together, when we got onto the street where Sugarcube corner was.

We could hear the music from at least ten feet away from the building, which given that the top half of the door was open, made some sense. It sounded like a song that sounded eerily similar to a bunch of party music from my world. Musical notation was different in Equestria to musical notation on Earth, so I’ll just chuck that up to coincidence. Chrysalis stepped in first, I soon followed, and found that the party was already in full swing. Pinkie apparated(she didn’t walk up or come to us. She just appeared) in front of us, gave us a rundown of everything we could do at the party, all the snacks, about how the fun shit will come out when the kids have to go to bed, and eventually asked why we were five minutes late.

“I wanted to be fashionably late. Look at how many ponies are staring at us now that we’ve come late to the party,” Chrysalis waved a hoof around the room. “I will admit, a lot of this seems a tad bit immature, but I suppose that it would be nice to forget that I am a Queen.” She poked me. “We are going to dance when the slow music starts. Remember this, my dear Fruit.”

“Aight, bet.”

“But you’re also going on stage for the karaoke,” wait wha-

There’s a karaoke competition. Why? I don’t know. The prize is a gift card to Sugarcube Corner, which’ll be nice if somebody who can sing actually wins. I can’t sing, but it does seem fun. I’ve never got to do karaoke, so this is a fun new experience… Man, my life as a human fucking sucked. The more I live in magical pony land, the more I learn just how fucking pointless my life on Earth was. Just work, work, work, retire, die. What a meaningful existence, right?

Granted, the work did help alleviate just how empty I feel at times, so I guess that isn’t too bad, right?

Apple Jack was up first, and she was singing a country-style song. Holy fuck is her voice nice, and actually really nice. It’s like a very clean country singer. The song itself was pretty typical as well, about the life of a farmer, which made a lot of sense given who was singing it. Overall, it was quite nice. The next few ponies that went weren’t anything impressive, but I could tell they were having fun at least. Rarity sung about the art that is dress making.

Only then did I notice the band in the back. Some cello maker, an earth pony, somebody on a dj table, a unicorn, who also had a drum machine on standby, and a guitar player. How they played was pretty interesting; they turn the drum machine on, and as the pony on stage sings, the actual instruments come into play to match the lyrics the singers were singing.

Some kid named Sweetie Bell went on stage, as suspected, pony children are adorable, and her voice was pretty good even if it did squeak a bit when she went on them high notes. It makes sense, I guess; puberty sucks shit. Pinkie even went on stage and had a song ready that was a happy tune, but fuck were the lyrics messed up. Like I think the chorus had an actual line ‘when your love ones have been mangled’. It was a good song, but fucking Christ, Pinkie, what the actual fuck?

Chrysalis even had a crack at karaoke before I was up. How I managed to score a changeling who’s sexy, friendly, and has the voice of an angel will never cease to amaze me. Nor was the low note she hit which was so low that I think she broke the microphone we were all using.

“Perhaps I should’ve thought about how sensitive microphones were for doing that,” Chrysalis’s body cringed and she awkwardly trotted off stage. I sighed in a mix of sadness and relief; I don’t have to go on stage, but I wanted to try karaoke at least once while I was at this party. Then Pinkie grabbed a new microphone out of her mane(what the fuck?), plugged it in, tapped it a few times, and dragged me up onto the stage. I looked down at the bottle of booze I managed to swipe from the snack table before drinking it all in one go and tossing it behind me.

“I used to run for miles! I used to ride my bike-”

I don’t remember the rest of that night.

I woke up the next day, in mine and Chrysalis’s room, spooning said Chrysalis. I have a huge ass headache and everything hurts.

I also learnt that Chryssy smells a lot like Chrysalis during my hangover.

The next day, I woke up, feeling significantly better now that I wasn’t hungover, and ready to tackle Ponyville and get acquainted with a few more of the locals. First, however, was Twilight’s little Q&A of me and Chrysalis and our guards. So I got the nice, fun task of carrying my sleepy girlfriend all the way through town, which sounds fun at first until you realize a couple of things. So allow me to go down the list of things that make carrying a changeling Queen hard:

First, is that Chrysalis is actually kinda heavy. Not to the point of me struggling to lift her, but she is heavy and overtime, that adds up and starts to cause back problems.

Two. She has freakishly long, sexy legs that will be dragged across the ground because of how much shorter I am than Chryssy.

Third, Chrysalis is adorable while sleeping, and her snores are enough to melt the hearts of serial killers. So moving her without waking up was a fucking nightmare, but I managed with some earplugs, a sleep mask, and overall, being careful with her.

The fourth thing is that Chrysalis is tall, meaning she is larger than I am, see reason number two for more details.

The fifth issue was that I could feel Chrysalis’s heartbeat, and it turned out that Chrysalis has two hearts. It mostly just felt weird, but that really isn’t an issue.

Sixth: I have to also carry my fucking guards throughout town, all the way to the library where Twilight lives. That’s all the way across the fucking town! God, I love my guards and would kill somebody for my girlfriend, but sweet jesus fucking a cold, dead turkey, my back hurts like hell! Ow, fuck, yeah I’m feeling that tomorrow. On the bright side, Skitter and Scatter had the decency to turn into the size of foals before falling back asleep.

I knocked on the door of Golden Oaks Library with my head, conveniently after I managed my way across town, my guards and Chrysalis woke up at the same time and they weren’t even tired. Man, it’s like they wanted to be babied and carried throughout town or something, and figured fucking with me was better than just asking. The things I do for love. You asshats… I’m gonna give one of them a belly rub by the end of today and forget this whole thing happened.

Spike opened the door and let us all in. Chrysalis bumped her head while walking in and I was on her in an instant, checking if she was alright. Twilight greeted us and she begun the questions while Spike treated us to a nice breakfast.

We were there for five hours.

The next day, I was awakened by the sound of a hoof pounding on my front door at ass-o-clock in the morning. God, wasn’t this supposed to be a vacation week? I was hoping to use today to sleep in, have some time away from training or work even if it was boring, and just spend more time around my marefriend than I normally do. After Twilight asked for a demonstration of changeling intercourse, she realized that she asked that from two changelings that are siblings, and a Queen who was already in a relationship.

Chrysalis showed me a demonstration last night and boy did it feel good. Not the after effects of it, but it was fun.

Said Chrysalis was currently missing in action.

So I quickly washed myself in the bathroom, where two mini-versions of Skitter and Scatter were fighting each other using toothbrushes, and went to go meet the asshole pounding on my door. That happened to be Rainbow Dash of all ponies.

“So, why were you pounding on my door? Planning on having intercourse with it?”

“Yeah…? IF that means we’ll finally get to see how a unicorn would do against me in an iron pony competition.”

Rainbow, you poor, innocent fucker, because of this I will start a rumor about you being a door fucker.

“Aight then. Lemme get something to wake myself up first,” I closed my door and gently slammed my head into it- woo! Man, I can say what I want about Pharynx, but he is actually a pretty cool bro all things considered, and his advice actually worked! Pain is way, way better than coffee! I opened the door again. “Aight, let’s go get my ass kicked.” Rainbow told me where to meet her and zoomed off in some direction…

I wish I knew how to teleport. Maybe I should stop neglecting my magical abilities and learn new spells-

Nah, I got magical augmentation! I can just run!”

Note to self: magical augmentation doesn’t take that much out of you physically.

I made it to Sweet Apple Acres in record time, panting lightly, but I wasn’t tired. I was offered some water by one of the Apples, Apple Bloom I believe, and was up and ready for whatever the fuck an Iron Pony Competition was. I doubt it was some super armor wearing, purple guy destroying super hero, since there was a severe lack of dinosaurs with a purple and green color scheme.

No, Spike did not count, that’s a dragon without wings. What’s the difference between a wingless dragon and a dinosaur you may ask? Fuck if I know, but dragons are still alive and every dinosaur that I know of isn’t, so perhaps dinosaurs were just really bad at breathing air and surviving meteors.

Chrysalis was dressed up in a cheerleading outfit, which looked a bit degrading, but I don’t think she minded at all; it did look good on her if nothing else. She had two pom poms suspended in her magic, her mane was tied up in a ponytail, and a sign also suspended in the air with ‘GO FRUIT PUNCH” written on it. Several changelings were in the crowd next to her displaying similar outfits and signs. At least I had fans!

Pretty much all of Ponyville was rooting for Rainbow Dash, and for good reason; I will get my ass kicked.

“So why am I doing this again?” I said as we got to the starting line of… Barrel Weave. Which is like the weaving thingamajig at dog contests, but with barrels and enough room in between for what are basically mini-horses to fit through, but close enough so that hitting one is pretty likely if you’re even slightly clumsy. Fastest time wins, every barrel hit is a penalty.

“Because you can take on several Royal Guards! I wanna see how you are athletically before I kick your tail in an actual fight! Plus I want to see how well a unicorn can hold up!”

“I only even did that by using magic to augment, or improve, my natural abilities. Otherwise, I’d like to think I’m pretty stinkin’ average for a unicorn.”

“I doubt that, but we’ll just have to wait and see! You’re up first, pal!”

So without a further ado, I took a deep breath, several actually; I hate performing in front of a crowd. I prayed to god that the exercises Pharynx put me through would at least keep me from getting any penalties. If I can even do remotely okay, then that’s a win in my book… At least I think it would be. As Twilight, who was being the referee, began to count down, I lowered myself and got ready to run.

“Go!” I ran as fast as I could, weaving through each barrel with the finesse, and the next thing I knew, I was on the other end of the track, panting slightly. I dropped on my ass as I let myself recover; I didn’t want to use magic to win this, so I couldn’t improve my endurance. I’m willing to bet that anything that requires both speed or endurance will probably leave me at a loss. “That makes for a seventeen second run! Rainbow Dash you’re up next!” Twilight then accidentally sneezed into the megaphone, which was actually kinda cute. Rainbow Dash grinned, zooming through the field, knocking down three barrels, but got to where I was standing nearly instantly.

“Three barrels… three seconds. That leaves Rainbow with eighteen points with Fruit Punch taking the point for the first round!” Oh shit, a win in a category, hey look Ma-

Wait, ma’s in another dimension and she also disowned me. Damn. Hey look Chryssy! In fact, Chryssy was looking, and she was beyond impressed. And so was everyone in the crowd. I think Rainbow could very easily beat me in an actual race, but with speed comes the sacrifice of control, hence the only reason why I even won this round to begin with.

I basically won by… default.

The bucking competition ended with Rainbow Dash kicking my ass in that. It wasn’t even close. The Bronco Buck mostly involves abusing Spike by trying to get the poor bastard off your back. Rainbow went first, jumping up and down really quickly, knocking Spike off rather quickly and throwing him in the air. I tried grabbing the poor bastard before he hit the ground, only to find it rather difficult, so I just tried harder. Spike looked a little woozy from having his entire body bounce up and down so quickly.

“Yo, can we hold it for a second?” I asked, turning to Twilight. “First, I don’t think Spike’s feeling alright at the moment, and it also wouldn’t be fair if I knocked him off my back too quickly because he didn’t have enough recovery time.”

“Well… you do bring up a good point. We’ll wait a few seconds for Spike to recover and we’ll keep going.” Spike didn’t take too long to recover, walking on up to me, and getting ready to hop on my back.

“Just so you are aware, I’d like to apologize for whatever else we’re putting you through. Did you do this willingly?” I asked.

“Twilight offered me gems, plus we dragons are naturally tough, so I won’t get hurt too badly,” Spike said, hopping on my back and holding on. “I doubt you’ll get me off as quickly as Rainbow or even Apple Jack can; unicorns aren’t built to be athletes.” Twilight signaled the time had begun, so I immediately dropped on my side, rolled over, and got up. Spike was lying on the ground, twitching slightly with a smug grin on my face.

In that moment, I realized my brain is fucking stupid.

“We humans use our brains over our own physical prowess… FUCk!” I picked Spike up and held him in my arms while he recovered. “Shit dude, I’m sorry!” Spike waved a claw, seemingly recovered pretty quickly from him being fucking crushed under my fatass. Sure, ‘baby dragons age differently’, but he’s still a fucking baby! God, I need to work on getting some form of medicine for my ADHD; I coulda killed a baby because I wasn’t thinking.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting that…” Spike chuckled. “Where’d you learn how to do that?”

“That’s what smarter animals back at home do when a human hops on their back; throws their weight and it effectively crushes said humans to death because humans are flimsy as fuck… Seriously, I am sorry dude. Here, I’ll save you the trouble of getting your ass beat any further; this is borderline child abuse.”

“Wait what?”

“Yo Twilight, I quit. I don’t even really care about ‘how strong I am’ or anything. This competition’s kinda stupid anyways.”

“But we just started!” Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof. “And-”

“And I’m not gonna continue this shit. Doesn’t the next competition also involve Spike getting thrashed? Again?”

“Fruit, I can take it! I’m a big dragon!”

“Nah mate, nah, yeah nah mate. I ain’t risking you breaking something, and I know what I just did to you, had to hurt a lot, watch,” I set Spike down and he immediately took some of his weight off his left leg. “Now we are going to stop and have a medical professional look over your leg. Alright kiddo?” Spike’s shoulders sagged a little, and he sighed. Even if I could tell that he was relieved to not have to get tied up in the next round. “Trust me when I say this; I’d rather you not get hurt at all, and I am really sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s cool. You still shouldn’t quit the competition because of it though.”

“As I said, I don’t give two damns about this competition. No supercomputer from home can even calculate the number of fucks I don’t give about proving if I’m a big, strong stallion or not. I also don’t need a competition to tell that Rainbow can, and likely will kick my ass in any sorta fight, race, or whatever the fuck we compete it. Except maybe chess or a few human games. Now c’mon!” I put Spike on my back before trotting along to the nearest hospital. “And if anyone calls me a bitch for quitting early, go fuck yourself, I ain’t hurtin’ somebody to prove a point even if it is for just two rounds.”

It turns out Spike wasn’t even hurt all that badly, according to the nurse and even a doctor, but it was mostly the principle! You shouldn’t be putting a baby into a situation where somebody can dropkick said baby. “So Spike, did you even want to be used as a prop in the Iron Pony competition?” I asked.

“No. But I didn’t really get much of a say; Twilight signed me up and assumed I, as her assistant, was willing to help her in any way possible,” Spike puffed his chest out. “And as her number one assistant, I am willing!” The dragon then rubbed his chin in. “Though it would be nice if assisting wasn’t painful, which it usually isn’t. Even if I can take a thrashing better than most ponies, I still don’t like getting hurt.” Spike said as we walked out the hospital. The dragon wasn’t even so much as bruised, but I didn’t want to risk anything possibly being broken because I, a horse, crushed him.

“Did you let Twilight know? Y’all are what? Child and guardian? Brother and sister?”

“It’s more like a brother and sister relationship, but since Twilight’s parents don’t live in Ponyville, Twilight has been doubling as my caretaker. She’s pretty good at it, since she had to foalsit me a bunch as the ‘older sister’. Up until she asks me to do something I don’t want to do because I could get hurt; sometimes I am just lazy though.” Hey, at least the kid’s honest.

“Then let her know you don’t like being bucked around in some stupid as fuck competition, dude. Communicate; if Twilight doesn’t listen then she’s downright abusive. I doubt that Twilight is, from what I’ve seen of her, but quite possibly naive in how you feel about your treatment. Even if you are legally her assistant, you guys are basically brother and sister according to you.” We stopped as both a Twilight Sparkle and Queen Chrysalis, oh and all of Twilight’s friends, were standing in front of us. “Oh hey Twilight. I believe Spike has a word or two to say to you.” I gestured to the wild Spike.

“I heard… Spike, if you disagree with some of the things I make you do! You may be my assistant, but you're my little brother first and foremost!” Twilight pulled the baby dragon into a tight little hug. “Just let me know if I’m pushing the boundaries of what you’re actually willing to do, and I’ll buck off. Okay?”

“You got it… Please don’t have me be put in a bucking Iron pony Competition unless I’m actually competing; I don’t like being bucked or tied up. Even if it’s for two rounds… Say this counts as a friendship lesson!” Twilight’s grin grew, and Spike immediately had a quill and some paper to write the ‘friendship lesson’ down.

“So… About earlier,” Rainbow was rubbing her shoulder and not looking me in the eyes. Doesn’t take a genius to tell she’s feeling bad about what transpired.

“Don’t worry about it. Forgive and forget, hakuna matata, water under the bridge, whatever the fuck you say to ‘let’s not talk about it’. Let’s just move on, alright? I’ve been called worse than a pussy before. Any insults you may have for me cannot match what people in New York City called me because I mildly fucked up their burger. Y’all wanna hit up a Hayburger, by the way? I’m hungry as fuck and haven’t ate anything since yesterday.”

“Of course! Though, that sounds unhealthy,” Rarity chimed in. “The not eating thing. I do not mind Hayburger even if it isn’t my cup of tea, but you, you need to eat more.”

“Shoulda seen me in college then! A bowl of shitty, flavorless ramen a day, and that was it!” I chuckled. “But I only skipped breakfast for the competition. Let’s get going guys!” Everyone trotted ahead, but Chrysalis held me back with her magic. “We are not going fuck in the street, Chryssy!”

“Fruit, you are insufferable…” Chrysalis groaned and while face hoofing, but I could tell she was grinning. “I just wanted to say, when you took charge earlier… Pretty hot. And then you try to take care of a baby, even if it is a baby dragon, that is adorable and hot!” And now my brain is broken. Chrysalis simply giggled, kissed me on the cheek, and then tossed me on her back to catch up with the others.

Author's Note

oo boy, a long one. next up

The Best Day Ever... On Opposite Day
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Not So Funny Story

The Best Day Ever... On Opposite Day

So one day I was just doing the usual, working in Hayburger for a bit, happily running through orders like everything was good with the world. I found myself heavily enjoying myself with Skitter tapping my shoulder, as he was working on the grill at the moment. “Sir,” I looked up from my order, using magic to keep it going. “Mr. Mint wants to meet you in the office when you’re done with that order.” I shrugged, having already finished the sandwich, and wrapped it up. I handed it off to Flip so it could be bagged. With that done, i walked to the back of the store, where the office was, and walked into a grim-looking Mr. Mint.

“You’re fired,” Mr. Mint said plainly. “It pains me to do this; you’re the best worker I’ve ever had. But with how busy you must be, being the future consort of a Queen, you seem to be working with the Princesses on occasion as well, and from your other business ventures such as your food cart, I know you’re working yourself dry. You can take your changelings with you; I know they’re only working here because of you. Just… go. This is for your own good, Fruit.” I was handed a pink slip before Mr. Mint went out to go attend to his business.

I simply stood there, for however long, staring at the slip, before sighing. There goes one avenue of happiness for me.

So I walked out the store, both Skitter and Scatter followed closely behind. Luckily, I didn’t have much in the way of a uniform; ponies were naked anyways, so we just had to keep our manes tied up at work. “You taste terrible, sir,” Scatter broke the silence. “I know you loved this job, but think of it this way; you still have your food cart should you need money or desire to work. And if you do not, The Queen would be more than willing to take you into our Hive and house you.”

“The thing is, I want to work, and I like my job…” I sighed. “I still got the food cart as you guys said, and I don’t even really need to work; I’ve got enough money to pay rent off for a good hundred and seven years. I don’t need much more than that, do I?” I sighed. “I just wanna distract myself while I wait around to die, or until I have something fun to do with myself.”

“We can tell sir. When you aren’t with The Queen, or doing something, you seem and taste sad. It’s… unsettling. It’s why I allow you to pet me and whatnot, despite how much it harms my reputation; it makes you feel better. As your friend, it hurts to see you suffering emotionally, and as your guard, it makes me sad that I can’t assist you.” We took a seat in some park, and Scatter chose now to use me as a pillow, which did make me smile slightly. “We can go get Thorax; he’s been doing a good job at being an emotional support changeling,” Scatter suggested.

“Alright. Hanging out with Thorax will bring my mood up.”

As it turned out, Thorax had his own house outside of the new Hive, which was underneath Canterlot. It wasn’t a very big house, as it was roughly smaller than mine, maybe a little bigger. For some reason, the window was completely pitch black; there was no light. I knocked on the door a couple times and the door opened up. Low and behold, it wasn’t Thorax, it was Pharynx. It was easy to tell the two apart because one was always angry looking while the other had the most adorable little smile you’ll ever see on a changeling.

“Hey Pharynx,” I waved a hoof at him. “Is Thorax in?”

“Of course he is. One of your guards sent me a message that you’d be stopping by even though you’re supposed to be at work right now… You aren’t using that as an excuse to skip out on training, are you?” Pharynx’s eyes were now half lidded, staring into my soul.

“No. I got fired for being a workaholic, which is kinda dumb, but apparently working myself to death every other day of the week isn’t healthy. I love Mr. Mint, and I suppose it is for my own good, but it still kinda stings. I liked that job, and it was the only thing I was really even good at. Trust me, I wouldn’t miss getting my shit kicked in by a cuddlebug everyday of the week-” I got lightly bonked on the nose.

“First, I am not a cuddlebug,” Pharynx then actually hugged me. Pharynx doesn’t hug anybody! “And… sorry about losing your job. I know that has to suck; in the Hive you basically might as well be put to death if you lose your job. It’s a dishonor no’ling wants.” Pharynx patted me on the back before actually giving me a warm smile. “C’mon, I know why you’re here, so I’ll let my brother do his magic to you.”

“First, what happened to the real Pharynx? By now the real one woulda kicked my teeth in before kicking my shit in.”

“You lost your job. We changelings take our jobs very seriously, to the point that losing our jobs is worse than death itself. And for a pony, you’re alright.”

“Probably because I’m not a pony in here,” I tapped my head before walking inside. “I suppose I can actually turn my little food cart into a business at least. So I’m not completely fucked should I need the money; my house’s rent doesn’t cost shit and food barely costs anything.” The entire building was covered in a resin-like material that was completely black in color. Something about solicitified love or whatever.

“And the Queen will find some way to financially support you anyways should times get rough for you,” Pharynx led me up to a side room. “Anyways, Thorax should be in here. If you want to train later, I’m always available.” Pharynx went to go brood in the corner of the room; he actually sat in the corner and started glaring at nothing. So I knocked on the door a few times and then a changeling with the most adorable little smile stuck his head out the door as soon as it opened.

His cute, little blue eyes lit up upon seeing me.

“Fruit!” Thorax cheered before tackling me. I happily lied on the floor while Thorax nuzzled, snuggled, and overall just started making my mood even better than anything. Thorax got off me, prancing in place. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! Well, I always see you when training, and I cuddle up with you each time you get knocked out, but this time you’re awake!” Thorax trotted over to the kitchen. “Can I get you any- oh.” He opened a cabinet to find that it was empty, then the icebox, which was empty, and then my head, which was also empty. Okay, he didn’t open my head, or I’d be dead, Doesn’t change the fact that my head’s empty and fucking stupid.

“I'm good dude. I just wanted to come and hangout with you, since I now suddenly have a lot of free time.”

“Yeah… I heard about how you got fired. Every’ling knows about it.” I raised an eyebrow. “Well, you’re the Queen’s consort, so somelings thought it’d be smart to track every move you do. Your happiness means just as much to the Hive as the Queen does.”

“That’s fucking creepy.”

“Kinda, but if you got kidnapped or something, every single changeling in the Hive will know if you get kidnapped. Then I will have a battalion ready to save you,” Pharynx said from the otherside of the room. “For some reason, your very existence makes Queen Chrysalis happy, so keeping you safe would mean Queen Chrysalis remains happy.” I shrugged before sitting on the couch with a very cuddly Thorax using me as a pillow.

“To this day, I don’t understand how you guys have exoskeletons and are then softer than ponies. Like, it’s a fucking crime as to how adorable you ‘lings are.”

“You also don’t have a pony-mind. Even if our invasion was an actual act of aggression, our appearances would be pretty scary to most ponies. In fact, most ponies find us scary anyways. It just happens that some are as crazy as you are and find us cute,” Pharynx shrugged. “Also Thorax is sleeping,” the older of the Ling brothers was punctuated by Thorax’s snores.

“This is the best moment in my life,” I whispered. Pharynx simply facehoof, but I could see the little smile on his face.

Some time later that day, I was just sitting in the park, contemplating important things like if spaghetti is a type of ramen, or if a sandwich is truly a sandwich without the second slice of bread. In other words, I was bored, and wondering what the fuck is going on with my life. Now I have even more spare time than usual, which is pretty fun, except it isn’t. I kinda… used work to distract myself from the fact that this dimension definitely isn’t my home. Or the fact that I pretty much had the chance to be anything I wanted with a fresh, new start, and ended up taking the same, boring, pointless life I had back at home.

At least I get to date a sexy Queen.

Then some pegasus guard came flying by, telling everypony to congregate at the castle, so I got up only for a changeling to come and drop by. “Sir, Queen Chrysalis would like to meet you in Celestia’s throne room. Wear a suit please.” The changeling then flew off to do whatever the fuck. So I got up and began walking home to get a nice, fancy suit.

I walked into the throne room, where Chrysalis was… teasing a Twilight Sparkle with wings. By holding a crown just out of the… purple pony’s reach. Okay, listen, what the fuck? Last time I saw Twilight, she had a horn. Now Twilight has wings and a horn. Chrysalis had a smug little grin on her face, which was adorable, Luna and Celestia were sitting on their thrones, wearing very ornamental dresses. Cadance was sitting nearby, she was wearing a dress that was in a similar vein even if it was a bit less flashy. And her crown was a very fancy, ceremonial one just like her aunts.

Chrysalis was wearing the same dress she wore on our date. Except this one seemed to be slightly more complex, and had a few more changeling designed gems in it.

“So…” I walked in. “When did Twilight sprout a pair of wings?’ I asked. I was trying my best to not just walk up to Chrysalis and squish her cheeks. Or just stare at Chrysalis; she was fucking beautiful. “Because last I checked, Twilight had a horn and was only slightly taller than me. Now she’s noticeably taller than me. What the fuck is with me being a midget?”

“I managed to complete a spell made by Star Swirl the Bearded.”

“Star Twirl the what now?” I chuckled at Twilight getting ready to yell at me over that. “I know who Star Swirl is. A mage that was ahead of his time, revolutionized spells. Also considered the most important, classical era mage, and quite possibly the most important unicorn in all of Equestrian history. I may not care for magic that much, but I can admire the history behind it even if my human mind still cannot find any logic behind it.”

“Finally! Somepony knows who Star Swirl the Bearded is. Did you know that-”

“Oi, don’t we have some coronation ceremony to get started on? While I’ll admit that you look adorable while geeking out about something, I think you should go ahead and get this whole thing going; you’ve got a lot to learn about being a Princess, right?” I pointed up at the crown suspended in Chrysalis’s magic. “Like understanding that you could probably snatch your crown out of Chrysalis’s magic.”

“I tried that! A changeling Queen shouldn’t even be able to outpower an alicorn!”

“One fueled on willingly given, fully cheesy, romantic love can. And I’ve more than had my fill-”

I kissed Chrysalis and she started hiccuping. “Fruit! I hate you!” Chrysalis then contradicted that by kissing me on the forehead.

After Celestia had given her word, Twilight had begun her speech about being sent to Ponyville, studying friendship, which sounded stupid, and about how she couldn’t believe that moving to Ponyville would lead to her being a Princess. The Princess of Friendship then bowed, leaving a crowd cheering and a couple even profusely saying that they want to marry Twilight. Luckily, Twilight had already gone back inside to recollect her probably incredibly stressed out mind. Of course, I had to stand next to Chrysalis while she expressed how she was looking forward to working with Equestria’s newest Princess in the future.

With that all said and done, I got to go back home, opting to stay out of the coronation party so I could go home and sulk. Today sucked. I got fired from a job I actually enjoyed, I can’t even have Chrysalis time because she was busy being at the coronation party, and Twilight became a god damn Princess. To make things worse, I could hear the fucking coronation party all the way from here! Like fuck, it’s like the universe wants to tell me I fucking suck or something. I think I’d kill myself if it weren’t for the fact that I was still dating Chrysalis.

I plopped my ass down in a chair and opened up a book. It was the same fucking book from when I first came to Equestria and needed to learn how to pony. I stared blankly at it while considering what the fuck I should do with myself now. It was then that I realized that I’m probably having a midlife crisis, or just depressed, so I just began to indulge in some ice cream while I kept living in my funk.

The next day I went out to the pet store to hopefully buy a cat or something. Found nothing I wanted; no huskies. So I kept on walking around town, greeting people, getting glared at, and being outright told that I am disgusting for dating Queen Chrysalis. I obviously didn’t take too kindly to that, but I did nothing about it. Not much I could do about it. So I kept on trucking along until I found myself tossing bits into a fountain while humming ‘drunken sailor’.

“Hey bud,” I turned around, to see some ruff looking unicorn. “Heard you were dating a monster recently. Are those rumors true?” He asked.

“Depends on what you describe as a monster.”

“The Changeling Queen.”

“How is she a monster? So far from what I’ve seen, she is somewhat polite while being a bit blunt for a monarch. Legally, she is a Princess in Equestria despite being a Queen of her own Hive, so Sisters don’t mind her. Heck, most of her changelings didn’t even harm anyone; they go around cuddling, dating, or just sitting in the background gathering love. Hell, there’s one over there foalsitting some… foals.”

“That Queen is simply a monster. I heard she brainwashed several ponies in the past… But that doesn’t answer my question. Are you dating her.” That didn’t sound like a question to me.

“Yes. I even fucked her silly a few times. She’s quite great in bed. I love it when I can make her giggle. So why is that important-”

I quickly rolled on the ground to avoid being stabbed by the guy’s horn. The unicorn fired some sort of blast at me while I was just wondering where my guards were. They probably went off to guard the Queen at the party or whatever, so I was also probably on my own in this one. So when the unicorn got closer, I poured some magic into my right hoof, and gave the stallion a nasty haymaker. An audible crunch could be heard as my hoof collided with his jaw.

Well, at the very least his jaw was now… oh fuck. His neck is at an odd… angle. I just killed somebody. I began panicking. I just killed somebody! How the fuck can i justify that? Sure, he attacked me, but I was just hoping to knock him out. I looked here and there, before getting ready to just flee the scene. “Hey!’ I cringed as I slowly turned around. It was a Royal Guard, a pegasus. So without another word, I bolted down and out of the park without turning back.

Author's Note

decided to deviate from the original a bit. Fruit’s gonna have some fun later.

Punishment For Murder(just skip 4 chapters ahead if you hate bitchlestia or poorly written drama)
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Not So Funny Story

Punishment For Murder(just skip 4 chapters ahead if you hate bitchlestia or poorly written drama)

I… didn’t get very far after running from the crime I just committed apparently. That’s my only thought when I woke up in a prison cell. On the outside, two Royal Guards stood on both ends of where my cell was separated from other cells. Both stared straight ahead, never blinking, never faltering. My fore hooves were chained to the floor, but I still had a good range of motion around the cell even if certain spots were harder to be in from others after I did some mild testing. Towards the front of the cell, the chain was tighter. Towards the back where the bed was, they weren’t as tight. Granted, being chained up still wasn’t fun because Chryssy wasn’t wearing lingerie and holding a whip to punish me for being a bad boy, but it wasn’t so bad.

That’s until what I believe was the door to the dungeons opened up. A set of hoofsteps, or multiple(I could never really tell) started to fill the dungeons as they echoed off the walls. Clip, clop, clip, clop. It was like a countdown to my own death which I probably deserve and would probably want anyways. I killed a man, I have no point for being alive aside from Chrysalis, and I don’t even know if I will be allowed to see her. I just hopped up on my bed and decided to wait for whatever demise awaited me.

“You know,” it was Celestia, right off the bat. Her voice lacked any friendliness it once had, or even the public, motherly voice she usually hid behind. This one was cold and unforgiving. I looked up at the mare; yup that is a pissed off Celestia. I’m so fucked. “When I first met you, I expected you to have a lot more self control, with how polite you were, so you can imagine my surprise when I heard that you’ve killed one of my little ponies… Guards, leave us. If Fruit Punch even tries anything, there is little he can do to me.” The guards nodded and left without question. “Well? Will you defend yourself before I put you on trial? I believe Twilight would enjoy her first action as a Princess and hold court.”

“All I have to say is, I am in love, and some of your little ponies don’t like the ‘monster’ I’m in love with. And some are willing to kill me over it. Granted, I definitely misjudged how I should’ve handled the situation but… The pony I killed tried to kill me, Princess. Not only would that apparently be a huge insult to the Hive, from your ponies to them, but I think we both know that aside from the free food, Chrysalis made that treaty simply so she could walk with me in the streets without being considered a criminal.”

Celestia sighed. “Unfortunately, I am well aware of the situation that led to this, Fruit Punch. But you still committed murder, and we can settle it in two ways. And I am only offering you an out because I know you’re not a bad person. One, a public trial, where if you lose, or your arguments cannot convince three of the five Princesses in Equestria, four since Chrysalis will not be allowed to make any judgment in your trial, then you’ll be sent to Tartarus. Or, because I know you are more than capable, I will send you to Gryphus on an assassination mission. Should you succeed, the public will not hear of this, and you will be a free pony.”

“...I gotta kill somebody to make me innocent of killing somebody?”

“No, you will be performing a job for me. This just happens to involve the possible murder of the Prince of the Griffons; I would like to make King Bloodbeak to open up trade relations again. And you either kidnapping or threatening the Prince will play a part in that.”

“I… It’s either that or go to hell. When do I begin?”

“Now. You will be sent as a representative of Chrysalis’s Hive. You will leave at noon.”

I sat down in my room on the airship. I just… don’t know why I couldn’t remember how fragile unicorns are? Like fuck, I am a unicorn, and I still forgot. Well, hopefully I can talk to the griffins into letting trade open up again. I kinda knew what was going on with that. Changelings and griffins apparently hate each other. So griffins were none too happy about Equestria’s alliance with just Chrysalis’s Hive, which wasn’t even all that big for a changeling hive. Just over two thousand changelings compared to the possible millions of changelings littered throughout Equus.

That’s still a dumb name for a planet.

“We will be in Gryphus in an hour or two.” Good thing Gryphus was pretty much the equivalent of Canada back home. Not as powerful as its southern neighbor, but basically just north of it. Except I think everyone doesn’t like Griffins, whereas the only people that hate Canada are the native americans because Canada. So I reclined on my bed as a knock on my door reminded me that this is a mission.

“I see you’ve supposedly killed a pony in my name.” Chrysalis walked in, before she was suddenly on the bed beside me.

“I did. Well, he hated that I was dating you, and he tried to murder me. I… may have forgotten how frail unicorns actually are.”

“Well, the only important thing is that you are safe. And should you fail your mission, I will kidnap you and move our Hive back to the badlands. Should Celestia seek to continue punishing you… However, for this mission I will leave you with a little gift,” Chrysalis zapped me with some sort of spell. “Can you hear me?” Chrysalis asked. Oh god, I can hear her sexy voice in my head! “Judging from your surprise, you can. I can take control of your body should killing the Prince be problematic and shut your consciousness off so you do not have to live with the pain… I believe you will not want to kill the Prince when you see him, so I shall do it in your body. I have changelings in King Bloodbeak’s palace already, all of whom are communicating with me, so I can aid you in your mission.”

“Thanks Chryssy. I’m glad Equestria’s law system is just as broken as my home’s. Almost get killed, like I almost got stabbed in the heart, and I still get punished for defending myself… I woulda preferred you just whipping me in some sexy, white lingerie.”

“Trust me, I would as well. If all else fails, we can relocate the Hive to its original location and we abandon Equestria… Good luck on your mission; I cannot go with you.” We shared a kiss, and I swear I could see my marefriend shed a tear as she walked out of the room.

When we made it to Gryphus, everyone around me was giving me the stink eye, even some old looking Griffins that were surrounded by armored ones. I walked up to him and bowed. “I believe you are King Bloodbeak?” I asked. The fella was wearing a crown, some of his feathers were gray, but a lot of his fur, which was on his hindlegs, were also gray. The griffin was also followed along with the greek version of griffins instead of Egyption ones, which was pretty interesting. He was quite the sight to behold all things told. Riddled with scars, muscles that perfectly chiseled.

“Indeed I am. I suppose you are the changeling posing as Fruit Punch? On behalf of your Queen of course.”

“I am here on behalf of the Queen, though I am not a changeling. I am the Queen’s consort; she trusts that I have our Hive’s best interests in mind. And I must say old dude, you’re quite the sight to behold.” In my head, I could feel Chrysalis slowly and rhythmically beating her head into the side of my brain. And a wall in whatever room she may be in. Bloodbeak raised an eyebrow before smirking. I think it's hard to tell with the beak.

“I see that you aren’t an ass kissing idiot. That’s good. I think we’ll get along nicely…” The king leaned in. “am I truly a sight to behold?”

“Yes sir. I might look like a pony, but I am not of this world, or possibly this universe. Where I’m from, griffins are simply a thing of mythology and all our art makes you guys out to be absolutely magnificent creatures… The real thing blows all that art out of the water. Even with you being… an old dude, you look fucking awesome, like a warrior griffin that’s survived many battles judging from the scars you’ve got on ya.”

The King chuckled. “I’m glad that I can exceed expectations. Though let us head to the palace and feast… even if you are technically the leader of one of our greatest enemies, it is wise to make due with some respect.”

“Same to you, lad. Hey, who knows, maybe we can put our past behind us and y’all can open up trade with Equestria again. Celestia really wasn’t happy about that.” And hopefully we can do that without killing anybody. As we walked, the king told of his many tales from battles which were actually pretty fun to listen to. Like a human, he made gestures with his talons as he regaled his victories. On occasion he would point out an important landmark we were passing, which was always neat. Gryphus, despite not being as colorful, was just as grand and beautiful as Canterlot.

“You know Boodbeak, you’re a good man,” I said after wiping the tears from a joke he told. Truth be told, the king was actually pretty fucking funny to boot. Before long, we had entered the palace and we were quickly led to the dining hall. “This will also be our meeting room once negotiations begin. For now, I’d like you to meet my family.” Sitting at the table, was a female Griffin that looked pretty young, and also pretty fucking pretty. Next to her was an even younger female griffin, and next to that griffin was a baby griffin in a baby seat. “This lovely Arie is my wife,” the two griffins nuzzled each other. “This here is my daughter, and heir to the throne, Lightfeather.”

Oh god. I can already see what’s happening here. The king grabbed the baby griffin. “This is my beautiful little Prince, Flamebeak!” The infant reached out for me, and before I knew it, I was holding the little guy in my forelegs… How the fuck am I supposed to kidnap or kill this thing? For one, he was adorable, for another, I don’t think I could kill Prince Flamebeak if I tried; I won’t be able to bring myself to do it.

“Remember Fruit, I can finish the job if need be,” Chrysalis said from inside my head. “You… are already attached aren’t you? Fruit, that is your target. Fruit, stop playing with the Prince. Fruit!”

“You know, I did not expect you to know how to play with one of my children,” Bloodbeak commented. I was now dangling a bit on a string over the griffin. He was kinda like a birdcat, he was a birdcat, and thus acted a lot like a kitten.

“It’s like playing with a housecat back at home. FUCK!” The little fucker scratched me… That is fucking awesome! Chrysalis’s head pounding became faster with every second. Before long, I handed the kid back to his father, and went to take a seat. “So, would it be rude to discuss… whatever while we eat? I was never in a position of power before I came to Equestra.”

“It wouldn’t be considered impolite. Just don’t speak with food in your beak,” the griffin grinned. “If you were a stuffy noble with their head stuck far, far up their ass!” We both had a good laugh at that one. “Though I would not mind doing some multi-tasking so that we can have peace between the changelings and griffins. Once we come to an agreement, I am sure I can personally handle the reopening trade between Equestria… perhaps even discuss trading with your Queen?”

“Honestly sir, changelings have such little care for physical objects, that we could probably only offer services in exchange that you simply feed the changelings under your care.”

“Works for me… I know changelings would make excellent spies should we come to peace.”

“Oh, they’re excellent in most fields; they gotta blend in somehow. Some could be excellent doctors, constructors, artists, fuck, some are down to be a fuck buddy if you ask nicely enough.”

“Is that experience talking?”

“I’ve made the Queen moan a few times.”

“With you negotiating, I think changelings and griffins will end today as good friends.”

So instead of actually discussing politics, we just chatted over stupid shit. Bloodbeak’s wife was honestly a really sweet lady, and I got to tell Bloodbeak about my fast food ventures, and delicacies I’ve worked on outside of that. From there it ended with Bloodbeak being covered in pizza sauce and too stuffed to even begin the talks. So of course, Chrysalis demanded that I go to Prince Flamebeak’s room, because I guess he didn’t sleep with his parents, and kill the bastard already.

So that’s where my first dilemma started at the kid’s door. “Chrysalis, why do I have to do this again?”

“Because Princess Celestia will send you to Tartarus if you don’t.”

“How the fuck will this help with trade negotiations?” I lifted a knife, ready to begin the killing blow, just kill the kid before I have to look in his eyes. Easy, right? Despite the knife shaking in my hooves I found my resolve to build, and build and build. Only for it to shatter moments later each time I decided to make a move. Each time I brought it up, I held it for a moment before letting it drop to my side while I waited for Chrysalis to give me an answer. The answer she gave me told me all I needed to know.

“Buck if I know.”

Now I was standing over Flamebeak, who of course, woke up instantly and started reaching up for me. “Chrysalis, you cannot make me kill something this fucking cute. I don’t… I don’t wanna go to Tartarus, but I don’t wanna kill a kid, Chryssy. I have many places where I draw the line, and I can’t. I just… won’t kill a kid. He deserves a shot at life, not a fucking casket.”

“Fruit, you do not understand. I would be devastated and-”

“Technically Celestia didn’t think to just say I couldn’t get trade negotiations open. We don’t have to kill this kid.”

“That… is an excellent point, and while I would love to spill the blood of one of the greatest enemies to changeling kind, I will subside that desire for you, Fruit. And yes, we can adopt a griffin later down the line because you think they’re adorable. Don’t think I saw your brain making thoughts such as ‘I should pet Bloodbeak to see what happens. I have a plan, call for the guards. Allow me to take over from there.”

I stuck my head out the door and shouted for guards.

From there everything became a haze as Chrysalis was in control of my body. I could vaguely hear Bloodbeak's voice.

“So you will be leaving some changelings stationed in the palace to act as an extra layer of security… the King pulled out scrolls. “This is the peace treaty we worked out, Fruit Punch. This is a letter for the Princess; it basically says the Griffin Empire is ready to rebegin trades. Is there anything you wanna tell me?”

“I think my girlfriend planted something in me, so I think she was the one you negotiated with.”

Bloodbeak blinked. “No wonder you were actually trying to be polite… if that is how Queen Chrysalis normally is, which is with a lot of veiled, sexual innuendos, then I would not being friends with her at all.”

“I also hope you know that changeling hives are independent from each other; you only have a treaty with my Hive.”

“Of course. Will you come to our aid should another changeling hive attack Gryphus?

“I personally will. I think a battalion of changelings would also be more than willing to assist me if I have to come save your asses.”

Bloodbeak and I shook talon and hoof before I was pulled into a hug by said king. “Take care, my friend!”

“You’re fucking fluffy as hell. There is no justice in the world!”

“...What?”

I found a way to scratch the King with my hooves. I think I just secured the Bloodbeak’s favor harder than my wood every time I woke up.

Celestia wasn’t too happy about me and Chrysalis outsmarting her. But I was a free man… Nah, are you kidding? No, now Celestia is forcing me into politics because I apparently did a good fucking job even without Chrysalis helping me. “And thus why you are now my primary negotiator,” Celestia smuggly said from behind her tea cup.

“What?”

“I said what I said.”

“You just said that I’m your primary negotiator... and that was it.”

“Well, this was a sort of test. Either way you’d be punished. You either fight your morality for freedom, or you end up as a politician. The simple fact that you caught a slip up in my wording, and that you managed to start up trade negotiations, undo some of my plans revolving around changelings and griffins, and managed to earn Bloodbeak’s favor screams at how well you might do as a politician.”

“I... Can I go to Tartarus?”

“Nope! You didn’t even kill the pony that attacked you; you just broke his jaw.”

“Bro, what the fuck?”

“I am not a male, so I can’t be your brother. Nor are we related by blood, so I can’t be your sister. But I just wanted to see you nearly piss yourself while doing something very immoral. Chrysalis was relaying what you were doing the whole time,” Celestia stuffed a whole cake in her mouth. “And now I have a negotiator; so I still win!”

“I’m going to kill myself-“ Celestia dropped her fat ass on top me so I couldn’t move.

Author's Note

Trollestia moment.

To the Crystal Empire!
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Not So Funny Story

To the Crystal Empire!

I walked out of a meeting with my forehead cracked. I had to sit, sit through a fucking meeting about how farming potatoes is fucking revolutionary. As expected, I didn’t pay attention, got asked a few questions, and ended up just beating my head into the table to see which is stronger. Surprisingly, a table made of marble is stronger than my forehead. Because Celestia is apparently a goddamn sadist that's possibly a corrupt ruler, I've been going through a week of meetings.

For everyday I don’t kill myself, Chrysalis would soothe me with cuddles and other things.

Also Chrysalis is planning on moving the Hive outside of Canterlot just to get me away from Celestia. Because apparently the sorta stunt that Celestia pulled was more fucked up than when Sombra was in power in the Crystal Empire. So we were just sending scouts out so that we can find a new location for it. So far, somewhere in Ponyville seemed like a good place to set up a Hive. Also Chrysalis relocated me into her room in the Hive to hide me from Celestia.

Now I just have to walk home after a long fucking day of meetings…

Fuck you, Celestia. The mare in question was walking towards me, so like any smart guy I walked over to the window and just contemplated jumping out. All of this bullshit because I broke a guy’s jaw and got tricked into thinking I killed him. Of course, Celestia laid a wing over my back and started rubbing it before I shook it off and moved over three feet. Or because these ponies hate freedom, a meter.

“What do you want, Celestia?”

“I was merely passing by and saw a friend that looks like he’s about to kill himself. Care to get away from the window?”

“Cool.” I ignored her question. “You mind bothering your suicidal friend then?”

Celestia ruffled her feathers. “Fruit,
you are that friend.”

“You tried to get me to kill a fucking baby over assault, Celestia! You threatened to send me to what can only be described as literally hell over assault after making me think I killed the guy I assaulted, in self defence. You made me think I betrayed my own morals and tried making me go against them again just to be free from killing some poor bastard! And then you, you have the fucking audacity to call me a friend after then putting me into a profession I didn’t want?”

“I heard you got fired-“

“So? You know I’ve got other business ventures and Chrysalis to turn to if those fail. If you’re telling me, something as psychotic as you, who decided to get me to kill a baby was a good prank, would be an awesome friend, then you can go fuck yourself. And if you still insist that we’re buddies, then go right the fuck ahead and shit in my rectum. And don’t even try those puppy eyes with me, Sunbutt; I’ve seen enough of that with Luna or Chryssy. I’m lucky that I didn’t kill Flamebeak and managed to remain on Bloodbeak’s good side after the bullshit you’ve pulled.”

“But-“

“Fuck off.”

“Look, I’m sorry-“

“I don’t give a damn.”

“Will you hear me out?”

“No. You’re lucky I haven't told anypony about this shit.”

Celestia simply sighed, wings drooping, and looked me in the eyes. “By my crown, I will find some way to make this up to you.”

“If we ever become friends again, I will kill myself.” With that, I turned around and started walking. Up until I felt myself unable to move; Celestia’s holding me with her magic.

“Can I at least ask that you do not tell anypony? I know… that I have crossed you.”

“Celestia, please let my consort go. Can you not tell that he is… unhappy?” Chrysalis asked, regally walking forward and giving me a nice good look at her hips as they moved side to side. “And I would like to speak with him… Privately. You and I may be allies, but even I know just… how immoral that is; the thing you tried getting him to do. And that’s coming from a leader of a race that isn’t known for having morals, Princess.”

Celestia sighed and nodded.

In an instant, I was in mine and Chrysalis’s bedroom. It wasn’t anything overstated, and kinda reminded me of Thorax’s home, except with a few extra fancy lights here and there. It was… pretty fucking cozy all things considered. The clock and lamps were there for my benefit as it turned out that Chryssy can see in the dark, and so can her changelings. Apparently a lot of changes were made to the Hive in order to accommodate me should the need arise. And while I could easily live in the house provided by the Crown, Chrysalis quickly found it distasteful to be living in something from the Crown after… My incident.

In the corner of the room was a coffee table and a pair of chairs. And as it turned out, changelings don’t have beds; they use these things called sleeping circles which is more or less… hard, but not too hard. And despite it being made of changeling resin, they are the most comfortable thing to sleep on… as long as you have a blanket. Yeah, my human brain cannot comprehend falling asleep without a blanket, so Chrysalis knitted together a very cute one that was completely red with black hearts.

I love my marefriend.

“I take it that you hate being a politician?” Chrysalis began healing my forehead. “This is the twelfth time this week that you’ve come home from a meeting with some kind of self injury.”

“I only haven’t killed myself because then I’d miss out on Chrysalis time.” I said as we took a seat at the coffee table. That got Chrysalis to give me the sweetest little smile… And a kiss before she took her seat. “Though… as your Consort, I am legally a citizen of the Hive, right?”

“You are.”

“So I can just back out of being a politician and in Equestria and… be one here?”

“You could.”

“Could I avoid meetings?”

“I wouldn’t make you partake in meetings, but I might ask you to show up to some formal events in Equestria should my presence be needed; I need my emotional support coltfriend to help deal with nobles.”

“And so you know how I feel about having to deal with ones that tried making it sound like raising taxes for the wealth would cause genocide in Canterlot.”

“More than you can imagine… Hence why I went to Luna and she made you participating in politics, and political meetings… entirely illegal! Unless Bloodbeak is present; I think you two get along way too well, but I am not complaining. Your friendship with that old bird will probably keep peace amongst changelings and griffins.”

Huh. Well, time to pay my debts to those who saved me from a life of suffering.

“I need to go hug Luna right this instant…” I smirked. “But I do have a sexy marefriend to hug, kiss, and… do a little more with in thanks for freeing me from my chains.”

“Oh-ho-ho! You were so shy about having sex before…”

“Yeah… I was. But hey, you enjoy it, I love it. I wanna… Hold up, I could give you a full body massage.”

“Really now?” Chrysalis looked ready to prance in place.

“Yes I can. I can do that as a thank you for saving me. Then I can just give Luna a hug.”

“You need to quit teasing the Moon. it may come crashing down… But I was promised a massage.” We walked over to the sleeping circle, and I began going to town with my marefriend. I swear, her pleasure in what I was doing to her, which was rubbing her shoulders(we weren’t having sex, weirdo.) could be heard throughout the entire Hive. and Canterlot. She made an especially sexy noise when I cracked her back.

Of course, our fun little moment that just ended up in a very cozy cuddle session got ruined when Chrysalis burped up a message from Celestia. It mostly just said that the Princess Summit would be do, and that we were to embark on a train with her and Luna to the Crystal Empire in order to attend that Princess Summit and gave a basic summary of Princess Summit. It basically was just a ‘Princesses hangout and the younger Princesses learn how to Princess’. For some reason ‘teaching Chrysalis how to Princess’ was on the list. Even though Chrysalis was a Queen, and was nearly as old as the Royal Sisters.

I read over that part six or seven times. “Why the fuck do you gotta learn how to rule?”

“Because apparently, I am ‘young’ by Luna and Celestia’s, most definitely Celestia’s, definition of age… I knew them since we were foals, with me being about a year or two younger than Luna I believe. It’s hard to tell now after being so old.”

“That’s retarded. Do we have to go?”

“Yes. I do because I am legally a Princess in Equestria. And you have to go because Celestia wants you there.”

“Jesus, that bitch is more clingy than my ex. How badly is she trying to amend our friendship?”

“She is showing remorse for tricking you, myself, Princess Luna, and Princess Twilight Sparkle into thinking you’re a criminal. Those last two just thought you were annulled from your crimes; it was self defense after all. Neither even know that you had to try and assassinate a baby, something I know you were heavily not okay with, just to keep yourself out of Tartarus of all places. And knowing how Princess Celestia is, she would’ve sent you there for fun if she was bored enough. I think staying away from her would be wise. Something that old tends to be a bit disconnected from her emotions.”

“And you?”

“I know that I shouldn’t make my lover needlessly suffer. Unless it’s adorable… In all seriousness, something like what Celestia’s done to you wouldn’t have crossed my mind. Keep in mind that I’m supposed to be the evil one, and what she did was messed up even by my standards, Fruit.”

“Yeah, I know. You’d just whip me while wearing something sexy and call it a day. Or put me in jail for a week for murdering somebody in self-defense. That’s how it is in the Hive at least.” Chrysalis grinned at my knowledge f her kingdom’s legal system. I grabbed my suitcase that had nothing in it before sliding it away. Seriously, not wearing clothes meant less to travel with. Chrysalis simply put her crown away for some reason before leading the way to the train station… I got a good view of her ass. Yes, Chrysalis did notice, and started making sure her hips swayed even more as she continued to walk while occasionally peeking back and fluttering her eyelashes at me…. I am the luckiest fucking stallion in the world.

And Chrysalis even summoned a paper fan and giggled behind it while peeking at me… “Do you just love making me feel inadequate to be dating you?”

“What do you mean, Fruit?” Chryssy’s ears pinned themselves against her head... It was fucking cute.

“I… sometimes wonder what the fuck I did to land you.” Especially something and glorious as you.

“Well, you offered me shelter after something that would be quite traumatizing to the average mare, and fairly disturbing to some’ling as old as me. You did bathe me, housed me, fed me, and even had a very noticeable crush on me before I even undisguised myself. On top of that, you accepted me for me and not just Crystal Clear. I love you because you’re so accepting of me that it is ridiculous… and don’t think I haven’t heard about how you adamantly defended me in both instances where I’ve been defeated by a stronger foe…” Chrysalis leaned up nice and close to me. “Or how sexy it was when you did. Angry Fruit Punch is a Sexy Fruit Punch.”

“Oi, what about a calm and happy Fruit Punch?”

“Cute and handsome. Especially early on when just a simple kiss would render your mind worthless for a few hours.”

“At least I grew-”

Chrysalis kissed me on the cheek before locking lips with me. Everything around me became blank.

When I came to, Luna was using me as a pillow, Celestia was playing, and losing, chess to Pharynx(he was Chrysalis’s personal guard, so he got to come along. It also made me happy to see Celestia so mad. I later learnt that Pharynx checkmated her seventy times on that one train ride). Skitter was playing chess against Scatter and was also losing. Chrysalis was sitting to the side, knitting a couple of scarfs that looked like it said ‘property of…’ and ended with mine or Chrysalis’s names. I… That honestly would be really fucking cute if we wore those in public. I love Chryssy.

What I needed to know though, was why Luna was using me as a pillow, and why Chrysalis was happy with it. Though… Luna is nocturnal, and it’s been a fucking moment since me and Lulu hung out, What with me constantly working myself to an unhealthy amount, to Luna being nocturnal and busy with reacquainting herself with old duties and acquainting with new duties, we didn’t get to see each other option. So at my request, a servant brought me a whole pot of coffee and I resolved to talk and hangout with Luna. After all, she’s been pretty chill after learning that having sex with a stallion you just met is a taboo in modern-day society.

And so I sat and waited for the Lunar Princess to wake up. It turns out, it didn’t take that long since we left pretty late into the day. So it didn’t take long for everyone to retire for the night, but boy oh boy did Luna slowly wake up and realize who the heck she was using as a pillow. Because that’s where her guards decided to leave Luna; on some stallion she apparently had a crush on in the first week or so of meeting me. Of course, because Luna, she made a cute little noise before making an even cuter noise while yawning.

“Goodnight, thee…” Luna started rubbing one of her eyes with a shoeless hoof before flinching at the sight of me. “Fruit! Do not tell me that Chrysalis saw what I was doing? I was moved into my room and left in a trainbed; I didn’t think I’d be using you as a train bed.” Luna sighed. “Though I won’t complain if she has not seen me, as I would still like to see if Chryssy would allow me into her relationship with you.” I blinked and stared blankly at her for a few moments. “What? Am I not pretty enough for you?!” She shouted.

“Luna… Ow, my ears. Jesus woman, you yell fuckin’ loudly. But Luna, you’re pretty. Sexy as fuck too. But I’m in a relationship already… and monogamy was the norm where I came from; Polygamy was sorta looked down upon and considered gross. If things don’t work out between me and Chrysalis, I severely hope that things work out between us, then I wouldn’t mind giving you a shot. Hell, maybe in the future, I’ll be down for trying polygamy, and tickle you in that one spot I know you’re ticklish in.”

“I see… Though if you tickle me, myself and Chrysalis will make you suffer; I have word that you needlessly torture- oh buck! Stop these instances, you fiend” I started nuzzling Luna in the armpit(legpit?). The wild Luna began to squirm and jerk and laugh like a mad-lass while I did so; it was a spot that was incredibly ticklish on Chryssy and I was shocked to find out that Luna was also pretty ticklish there too. Needless to say, I ‘tortured’ Luna for a bit because she sounded cute and was cursing me in Ancient Greek somehow. Eventually I did stop and she was just wheezing while using me as a pillow once again.

“I see you enjoy borrowing my stallion, Luna.” Chrysalis plopped down in front of the Lunar Princess with a glare that, to anyone else, seemed genuine. To somebody who’s close to her, it was pretty obvious that she wasn’t even close to mad. She was amused, but not mad. Luna immediately recaught her breath and looked to the bughorse in fear, but was still leaning on top of me. “Because I am nice, I shall allow you to keep using Fruit as a pillow… but do note that I will be using you as a pillow the moment you two separate… enjoy talking to your friend, Fruit!” Chrysalis got in close and we shared a quick kiss before she just up-and-vanished us

“So… I heard you got pardoned from a murder because the pony you murdered tried to kill you. Personally, I think it is dumb. Back in the day, if somepony threatened your well-being, then it was a taboo if you didn’t even fight back. You were not hurt too badly, were you?” Celestia, you probably aren’t too much older than your sister, so why does she not sound like a sociopath?

“Uh… So it turned out I never killed anyone.” Luna raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, it was just self defense, and the guy I ‘killed’ just ended up being hospitalized for a broken jaw, before promptly being put in jail in the Hive for ‘threatening a royal’. Celestia thought it’d be funny to say I killed somebody, threaten to send me to Tartarus and nearly have me kill a baby to get myself out of going to literal pony hell.”

“What… the… buck. Tia actually thought that would be a funny prank?”

“Yup. I couldn’t kill a baby griffin! Nor could I kill any baby! I opened up a peace treaty between the griffins and changelings and reopened up trade with Equestria and griffons, so there’s that. Your sister’s fucked in the head, Luna…. On the brightside, Chrysalis is willing to let me adopt a griffin should I want to; I know they can’t be kept as pets, but the babies have no reason being as cute as they are.”

“Fruit, do you not think what Celestia did was awful? What she did is illegal!”

“So? She’s a Princess, and while she says you and her are equals, it’s clear that she probably still calls a lot more of shots, Luna. She could probably cover that shit up and pretend like it never happened. She nearly ruined my life twice, and managed to ruin it anyways by making me a politician…” I nuzzled Luna’s cheek. “Though thank you for getting me out of that shit. If I can somehow get you something a Princess cannot get, I’ll get it for you. Perhaps cook you a calzone or two? I wanna see if you ponies down to eat what are essentially enclosed pizzas.” Luckily that dropped that serious conversation and we went back to joking around.

“I would like to try a calzone. I’ve tried your style of pizza, and it is simply delicious. Though…” Luna gave me a sly side eye. “Do you think it is wise to offer to cook a lady some food? Some might even consider it a date… and I don’t think a certain Queen wouldn’t be too happy to see you dating another mare.”

“I will tickle you again.”

“No please! Anything but that!” Luna laid her head against my shoulder again. “I do miss spending time with you, but our schedules seem to conflict with each other and nearly every possible turn. And my duties are increasing and becoming more hectic. Did you know I have to regulate bucking flower growing?”

“Wut’n’da’fuk?”

“I know, right? It’s so stupid!”

“Luna, retire and join the Hive; we have cuddlebugs, who want to cuddle a Luna, and Chrysalis makes some mean chocolate chip cookies.”

“A tempting offer; I have quite the sweet tooth and enjoy having a cuddlebug. I’ve used Thorax’s services as a cuddlebug and I was quite satisfied with said services… I shall look into the consequences of betraying Equestria for a country we are at peace with.” We both chuckled at that. Well, Luna gave a cute giggle.

“Wanna set up a day-or night-where we just hangout for the day each month? Or a day. I honestly miss you, and I’m sure you don’t mind giving yourself a day off.”

“Of course! And after what Celestia did to you, she can handle the slight extra night’s worth of paperwork; nopony hurts my friend and gets away with it. Not even Tia!”

“Hit her with a deaging spell in her sleep, one that leaves her as a filly, and baby the shit out of her all day. Make her wear diapers, feed her like a baby in public, all that fun shit.”

“You… are evil, Fruit. This is why we need somepony like you.”

“Sadly Chryssy owns me, so you can’t use me.”

“Buck!” Luna nuzzled me before hopping up and stretching. “Come, let us go get tea. I’m sure you’re…” She stopped and dropped her jaw as I downed a whole kettle of coffee. “Fruit, you are a bucking idiot.”

“I know. I can see Jesus. He looks like a bitch.”

“Who the buck?”

It turns out I got drunk and high off caffeine. Pretty fun; I woke up spooning a bat pony somehow. Like an actual bat pony too.

Author's Note

Fruit will soon be even more angry at Celestia because of a certain mirror.

The Summit has Been Delayed. Celestia Was Drugged. I don’t know how, and I Don’t Know Why.
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Not So Funny Story

The Summit has Been Delayed. Celestia Was Drugged. I don’t know how, and I Don’t Know Why.

So, the Crystal Empire still manages to leave me speechless. That isn’t saying much given I’ve only been here twice, but this place is fucking amazing. Gyphus was cool, Canterlot is beautiful, but the Crystal Empire is simply breathtaking. The only thing that can even come close in comparison would be the Changeling Hive, but purely because of how insanely well crystallized love works with dim lighting and differently colored lighting. Still, the Crystal Empire is simply one of my favorite places to visit… when I can visit it.

Twilight and her friends wouldn’t make it to the Crystal Empire for about a day; Ponyville is slightly further south and has no access to the Royal Train station like we snobs in Canterlot do. So the Princess Summit would be held off for a day. Perhaps another two days so Twilight and her friends can go get some rest after being on a train for two days. On the brightside, I came up with plans to start putting frozen pizza into production along with other Italian dishes that were canned.

Luna and Chrysalis admitted that the canned food idea was ingenious because nobody thought to do that before. Also Chrysalis said she would help fund my venture if I need it… I already sent recipes and had some factories ready to put those things into process. Hell, Luna even offered to advertise it if the flavor of the canned shit turned out to be good… Why are these women so nice to me? Chrysalis, you fucking loveable cuddle bug. I want to kiss you so much, but you’re too tall to do it on the dime. And Luna might get a hug or a nuzzle. Mostly a hug; Luna is very huggable.

I miss being tall.

Chef Boyardee will be jealous of my food empire too.

When we disembarked, we headed immediately for the castle. Well, the Princesses and Chryssy did. I got stopped on the street by a few dozen Crystal Ponies. Then that downgraded to a shit ton, and then that downgraded to a fuck ton of Crystal ponies. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. Anyways, I signed signatures, answered questions, declined having several mares’ children, and even got a bouquet of weird-smelling flowers thrown in my face.

I later learnt those were covered in female pheromones. And I also later learnt that was how mares tried to seduce stallions. That… just made me confused and Chrysalis expressed her disgust for the practice given where mares tend to keep their pheromones. So that’s cool. Chrysalis patted me on the back when I got back to her… so many ponies. So much attention. I hate this. I want to die.

When I got back, I decided to hunt down either Cadance or Shining Armor simply for the sake of catching up with them. Fortunately, because I’m the luckiest mother fucker on the planet, I found them. Unfortunately, they were in the throne room and were catching up with two alicorns. One being my favorite(unless Chrysalis counts as an alicorn), and the other barely even registers as being a person to me anymore. Or at least not a person I can respect without throwing up on the inside.

And to add to my luck, Princess Cadance noticed me before I could slip back out of the room and happily beckoned me over to her. So of course, I did, if only because I knew she wanted to have a round of mini-golf against me while I was in the Empire, and because I wanted to hit up a bar with Shining Armor too. Maybe even spar with the fella; he’s hella fun because of how hard it is to work around the shield.

“Fruit, it's so good to see you!” Cadance actually flew over to me just to hug me. Luckily, because she is the fluffiest princess, I had no qualms in being hugged, especially when the fluffiest princess happens to be really fucking cute- Chrysalis was still in my head, and she was facehoofing at the moment. Probably because even after spending a year as a pony, I still find other ponies to be kinda cute. And Chrysalis only likes it when I call her cute. “So, I’ve been wondering… There is this huge tournament that goes on in Prance every year and I want you in it.”

“Cool. What is it?”

“You like fighting right?”

“Yeah. Well, not really, but Chrysalis wanted to train me in it, and training’s always fun… When Pharynx doesn’t completely kick my ass.”

“Well, I want you to participate. Three members from every country in the Equestiran Alliance go into a huge brawl in a magically generated arena. The winners get thousands of bits, an award, and there are prizes and winners for several different categories. I want you participating on behalf of the Crystal Empire.”

“But we were going to have him participate on behalf of Equestria!” Luna and Celestia said in unison. I woulda chose Equestria purely for Luna, but since Celestia wanted it to, Equestria can go burn in hell. “I’ve seen how Fruit is in combat; he is leagues above the average guard.”

“Yeah, which is why I’ve been trying to get Fruit to join the guard so much. Any unicorn that can keep up with an earth pony for as long as Fruit has, is impressive.” Shining Armor grinned.

“And he will be participating on behalf of the Hive,” Pharynx said, casually strolling inside with Thorax, who was in a plush form of himself(I wanted to hold Thorax after seeing that). “He is legally a citizen of the Hive even if he isn’t a changeling. And I want him on my team; he follows orders well, can fight well, and can so far… Fruit has proven that he can be a threat if he desires to be one. Instead, he hugs Skitter or Scatter the very moment he so much as brushes their coat while striking at them.”

“You expect me to punch you ‘lings in the face and not feel bad?”

“No. Because you go on, and on, and on about how cute we are and once spent six hours of your day just cuddling Thorax.”

“So Fruit, who will-”

“The Hive. No offense to you Shiny, but Pharynx is fucking terrifying. And also, fuck you, Celestia. I’d happily fight for Equestria if just Luna wanted me to fight for her, then cool. But… I remember being almost sent to Tartarus because I ‘killed’ some guy that literally tried to stab me in the throat with his horn,” Shining Armor and Cadance’s eyes widened. “And so far, Chrysalis has treated me super well, and Pharynx, despite being terrifying, is secretly really chill. I love the ‘lings.”

Pharynx actually wrapped a foreleg around my neck and gave me a a surprisingly sweet smile. “Glad to hear it. You’re my favorite pony for a reason.”

“I’m not mentally a pony.”

“Exactly. You aren’t a ‘bitch’ as you’d put it.” Shining took offense to that and immediately tried to deck Pharynx in the face… and had his foreleg twisted by said Pharynx. “Now, I shall go find the Queen. You’re looking after Thorax by the way.” The next thing I knew, I was cradling a plush Thorax and smiling like an idiot. Pharynx, for a moment, stopped looking dead inside to smile at the sight, before wandering off to find Chrysalis.

“Oh. My. Sweet. Faust.” Who? “That is adorable!” Cadance tried grabbing Thorax, only for the changeling to turn back into his actual form and hide behind me. Only to pounce on Cadance and start cuddling her.

“Your highnesses,” a yellow guard walked in. “Twilight Sparkle and her friends have arrived.”

After hiding in my room, while cuddling Thorax, I heard a bunch of footsteps outside my door, so I began got out of my door. A huddled, yellow furred pony ran past me while Twilight ran after said unicorn telling the thief to stop. So I bolted after them to try and stop the unicorn, who actually had Twilight’s crown(it was poking out a saddle bag) to try and help out. Of course, because of magic, Twilight managed to get ahead of the fugitive. Then the unicorn blinked, not teleport, through the Princess of Friendship.

As more of Twilight’s friends joined the chase, it eventually led into a storage closet, where both Twilight and the stranger got into a scuffle, well, Twilight actually pinned down the assailant, and knocked the crown into… a mirror. Instead of it breaking the mirror like anything hitting literal glass should, it got absorbed into the mirror and the unicorn blinked up to the mirror before giving a cheesy, movie villain line before walking into the mirror itself.

“Okay. What the fuck?” Thorax poked his head in the door before slipping out, possibly to go get Chrysalis or just somebody with some actual authority. Despite Twilight being a princess, she doesn’t actually rule over anything yet, so her authority over things is questionable, and only really comes into play when Luna and Celestia are not available.

Plus we should probably ask Luna or Celestia what the fuck was up with that mirror.

We all reconvened in the throne room, where Celestia was giving us the run down of who the yellow bitch was: An old student that was a real cunt because she didn’t get to achieve her goals immediately. Of course, this led to Sunset Shimmer, the yellow bitch, stole something that is highly valuable to national security, Twilight has to go to this other world to get her crown. So Twilight began walking up to the portal only to be interrupted by Rainbow Dash…

And gave the most cheesy ‘friends stick together’ speech ever.

I raised a hoof. “Yo. Just on the off chance that this place happens to be worse than fucking Tartarus, why would you guys all want to just jump on in there?”

“Well, we gotta help Twilight! It’s what friends are for!”

“If you all go, y’all could be of use, or you could fuck everything up and make getting the crown back impossible. So Rainbow Dash, would you just have Twilight go, because there is less of a chance of things going to shit with just her, or would you like to go and possibly make things go to shit with all of you there? No offense, but Pinkie has absolutely no self control; she’ll piss at least somebody off by not knowing her boundaries…”

“You.. make a good point.”

“However, that does bring up my next point…” Celestia walked up to me, tried to rest a hoof on my shoulder, only for me to step back. I pretended to not notice the slight sparkle in the Princess’s eyes when I did that. “You should go with Twilight. You will probably know far, far more about this dimension than anypony will.”

I sighed. “Only because I would rather not have my new home burn to the ground because some psychotic bitch, that isn’t you, decided that Equestria would make for a nice bonfire-” Chrysalis slipped a hoof around my neck.

“Be careful Fruit, this is the first time I’ve seen the Crystal Mirror in person, and I know not where it leads. But please come back in one piece, and hopefully, with Twilight Sparkle and her crown.”

“If what Celestia implies what I think it means, I’ll probably come back with that crown, Twilight, and a few not so pleasant things to say to Celestia… Though I’m certain some Chrysalis time would be enough to placate my newfound, stronger anger towards the Princess. But I’ll be back before you guys know it with a couple extra things.” I grabbed Twilight, picked her up, before promptly tossing her in the mirror. Spike ran in right after I did that while everypony else gave me the stink eye. “Oh go eat a dick. I want to get this shit over with so I can fuck Chrysalis.” Chrysalis’s tomato-colored face is all that I saw when I backed into the mirror.

Sure enough, I was human. Secondly, I’m going to get a shotgun. I have a bag of bits on me, so I can probably get a shotgun. “Twilight, shut the fuck up!” I sighed as Twilight continued to scream at the monstrosity that is a human being, which she also was. Spike was a talking, fucking dog, and I was fucking pissed off now. So that’s another thing I’mma talk to Celestia about. I might be disappointed in Luna, and Chrysalis probably didn’t even know what the fuck the Crystal Mirror was until just now.

“Go check the school building out,” I pointed to the building in front of us. “I’ll go get supplies. See what you can gather about the world we’re currently in…” Twilight nodded, and immediately got up on her legs as they wobbily carried her to the school building with Spike on her shoulder, it was kinda cute, and Twilight was pretty pretty for a human. Aside from the fucking fact that she was purple, or my skin matched my coat when I’m a pony…

I’m a black man now. Well, a dark brown man now. Dunno how that would translate into segregation, or anything else like that, but whatever.

I walked down the street, whistling a song that mostly involved ways of how I’ll probably kill myself. In another life, I would probably be a huge fan of Bo Burnham, and I still am in this life. So the first thing I did was walk into a pawn shop, make about ten grand off of just twenty bits, and then go buy a long list of CDs, a laptop to rip music from, and a hammer or two. While I sat at a McDonalds, waiting for about seven shit tons of music to be written downloaded and got a McPizza. Because I guess this universe is cursed, and McDonalds still sells that shit in this current date and time.

It was some good pizza at least.

Some research later, and I could tell this was basically Earth without the whole racism thing. Stuff like the holocaust still happened though, because Planet Earth finds a way to be worse than literal PONY HELL. Once that was all done, I went and got a shotgun out of a Walmart, because of course Walmart would have a sexy double barrel shotgun, a crossbow, which I also bought, and a revolver all in the same aisle outside of a case. And I still had enough to get a backpack to store all the ammo for those things in.

Also I bought a dart gun. What kinda fucking shit is Walmart smoking? They had fucking horse tranquilizers for sell!

I got back to the school, which was named Canterlot High, I concealed my dart gun, and grabbed a hammer out of my backpack. I hucked the backpack through the portal and went to find Twilight sitting on the steps, whispering to herself about how she won’t be able to get her crown back before the three day time limit is up.

“Hey Twilight, come around tonight, we’re gonna get your crown back and probably kidnap Sunset Shimmer; she looks kinda cuddly despite her being a big bitch.”

“What?” Twilight looked at me like an idiot.

“Don’t worry about it. Stick your ass back through the portal. You know where the crown is?”

“In Princ-principal Celestia’s office.”

“Sick. now stick your sexy ass back through the portal and let Sunbutt know what’s up.”

After I had to tranquilize Twilight, I stuck her unconscious body back through the portal and waited for nightfall. Around nightfall, I scouted the building to find… Twilight’s crown just setting on a desk. I then slammed my hammer through the window, climbed through the now broken window, and grabbed the crown. I happily stuck the crown on my head and walked on out to the portal. And just like the actual Celestia, her human equivalent had zero security since nobody came to arrest me for property damage.

Except Sunset Shimmer. She had a sledge hammer.

“Hello, Princess? I thought Twilight would be back to get her crown back. Not some random guy.” Rude, I am that random guy… with a gun.

“How the fuck do you even know that I have the crown?”

“It’s on your head, you fool.”

“Ah damn, you rite.” Odd, when you ha e something on display, people know you have it.

“That’s not even how you spell ‘right’!” Sunset took a deep breath. “Look, give me the crown, and I’ll let you go home.”

“Okay. counter argument… I have a gun.”

“...what?”

“Bits are made of gold. Humans would suck dick and commit murder for gold. Gold is very valuable since it’s used in a lot of electronics… blah blah blah, I have money, and I used that to get a gun. Also, surprise mutha fucka!” I drew my dart gun and shot Sunset with some horse tranquilizer. As in the same shit I shot Twilight with. Yes, this is a literal chekhov gun… did I plan this? No. did Walmart come through on managing to have a gun, but not a single bag of Doritos? Yes.

Anyhow, I threw Sunset’s body in and heard a gunshot and a scream… Probably shoulda mentioned that Canterlot High was located in Detroit. I ran in before I got ‘Murica’d by some psycho with a handgun. Not without reloading my new favorite toy with elephant tranquilizer… because Walmart. Yes, Walmart owns my soul now.

I landed on my hooves, to see Twilight still knocked the fuck out, Sunset was very unconscious and currently drowning in her own drool. Five of the Elements that were actually conscious were staring at their unconscious friend while Luna got rope to tie up the yellow bitch.

“Fruit, what did you do to Twilight?” Celestia asked.

“She wouldn’t fucking go through the portal. So I shot her with something literally made to put horses to sleep so we can move them easier.”

“Why…? You could have asked her nicely?”

“Because I’m pissed and running low on patience.” I grinned to see Chrysalis holding the double barrel shotgun, which was unloaded thankfully, and examining it. I also checked the revolver and crossbow… Perfect working condition. “Glad to see my extra things made it safely. By the way, Luna, be prepared to drag Celestia to bed and delay the Summit a little longer.”

“...Why?” Luna tilted her head, having finally tied our prisoner up.

“Simple,” I shot Celestia with the elephant tranquilizer. “Dumb bitch...” I looked up at Chrysalis. “Let’s go cuddle, and get a little cuddlier.”

“Well... Who am I to deny you, Fruit?” Chrysalis handed the bag, with my newly acquired guns over to Thorax. “Take that to Fruit Punch’s room, please.”

We got very cuddly and really kinky that night.

Author's Note

Celestia was out for a week by the way.

Bonding With a Criminal
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Not So Funny Story

Bonding With a Criminal

So, while Chrysalis was preoccupied with learning how to Princess from Celestia and Luna, I was out on the practice field testing out the shotgun I bought in the human world. It was a double barrel of some sort, and obviously had two rounds that could be shot in quick succession. It was pretty damn strong, judging from how it blew a hole through a target, and was loud enough to even break several guards’ focuses because it made them jump with each shot. Also, it can(thankfully) be used with magic since using it with my hooves was hard, since I had to be on my hindlegs to use it. That could go about as well as you’d imagine.

Shining Armor learned that the hard way, since he was now testing it, and holding it like I was when I was holding the gun with my hooves. “You see Fruit, you just gotta put more muscle into your hindlegs- BUCK!” Shining Armor got sent on his ass and was immediately massaging his shoulder with a hoof after the shotgun knocked him on his ass. And also kicked his ass. That had me laughing my ass off, while the Elements, excluding Twilight, watched. “Sweet Celestia! What kind of ponies would use that thing?”

“Humans aren’t ponies, Shiny. And before you ask, that thing can blow a fucking hole out of somebody’s chest up close, or their entire head up close. Since I have a feeling, because we totally don’t get world ending threats once every six months, that having a shotgun would be pretty damn handy. So being able to defend myself, without magic, is pretty helpful. Unfortunately, it has some drawbacks despite how useful it is.” I patted Shining Armor on the back. “That’s the power of human technology though. Just imagine, a bomb that could wipe out entire countries at the drop of a hat. That is why humans are so dangerous.”

“So you’re telling me, you hail from a race that would be incredibly dangerous should they ever find a stable way into Equestria.”

“Just be lucky that those damned Red Coats never figured out how to hop dimensions. You fuckers would be paying taxes on stuff like sugar. Or have to house soldiers, that you didn’t want, in your home. Shit’s stupid.”

“I… why a tax on sugar?”

“Fuck if I know. The brits, or the red coats, ruled almost the entire globe, so I guess they had to fund themselves somehow. “

“You humans are messed up.”

“You’re telling me, a human turned pony, that? There was an article about somebody killing a guy. Wanna know why he killed said guy?” Everyone in the room nodded. “Too much ketchup on their burger. If it takes you, a pony, to make me realize how fucked the human race is, and fucked up the human race is, then I need to factory reset my brain.” Shining Armor blinked. “As in kill myself for being stupid.”

“I… that’s a little too far for just not being the smartest pony in the room, Fruit.”

“I was once human; we humans take things a little too far. Ketchup on a burger, y’know?”

“I don’t like that saying.”

“It’s not one. I made it up…” I looked over at a very angry Sunset Shimmer, who had a magic-prohibiting ring. She was surrounded by guards, and looked a moment away from breaking somebody’s neck. “So why isn’t she in a prison cell?” I asked. “Keeping a highly dangerous criminal in jail seems like a good idea, dontcha think, Shiny?”

“Celestia’s orders… for some bucking reason.”

“The same one that tricked me into thinking I killed a man?”

“What?! The Princess would never do that!” Rainbow shouted while she was standing right next to me. “I mean, the Princess is awesome! And you’re her close friend; why would she do that to you?”

“Because she was bored or something. I don’t fucking know. Imma go talk to Sunset; it can’t be illegal, right?”

“No, it’s not. Be careful though… she will bite you if she feels like it.”

“Ah, so she’ll eat me out. Usually it’s the other way around where the guy eats the girl out, but whatever.” Shining Armor started gagging at that as I walked away. As I got closer, Sunset noticed me and growled at me, but made no efforts to walk away or move. “So… how is coming back to Equestria?”

“You shot me with a fucking tranquilizer! Where the hell did you even get that?”

“Walmart.”

“Huh…” Sunset blinked, immediately forgetting that she was angry for a moment. “I knew that store had a lot of stuff, but not a dart gun.”

“I didn’t either, but they did. I’m concerned about how they sold that to a highschooler, but eh. Sorry about shootin’ ya; it wasn’t personal. I just wanted to go home because I have several bones to pick with your old mentor. And you were about to ruin that along with my relationship; I am dating a changeling and we kinda need to be in the same dimension to date each other.”

“Wait- why would you hate the Princess? Isn’t she supposed to be perfect and could do no wrong?” Sunset’s voice got a bit more nasally.

“Guards, are you listening?”

“No sir. And we still aren’t.”

“Can I order you guys to go get drunk and get off duty.”

“Well… you are a hero of the Crystal empire… But you aren’t our captain. We would still follow orders from you if Cadance and Captain Armor are not available.” The guard pulled earplugs. “If it helps, we have these, so we can’t listen to you.” I nodded and the guards stuck earplugs in their ears.

“So like, this one time, I was having a jolly ol’ time, just lost my job, eh? Well, I was kinda depressed for a few days after that. So a day or so afterwards, because ponies are racist and hate that a non-pony is dating a pony, somebody tried to murder me, right? And y’know, I didn’t wanna die, so I punched him in the jaw and heard something break. Due to me just not knowing how pony necks work, I thought I killed the man, and Celestia threatened to send me to Tartarus for murder.”

“That… sounds like a legitimate reason to go to Tartarus-”

“The guy I punched never died. He just went to the hospital because I broke his jaw and knocked a couple of teeth out. I didn’t know that, and got forced to go on a mission where my mission was to kill a fucking baby griffin for no apparent reason to save myself from going to Tartarus. I get told, after thankfully not killing a baby, that I didn’t kill anyone and that I did all of that for nothing because of a self defense clause. Oh yeah! I’m not a pony, I was once a human and got dragged into Equestria for some fucking reason. And Celestia didn’t bother to tell me that there might be a portal that can at least take me to a version of Earth. Needless to say, I don’t like that sun-ass even if it is a nice ass to look at.”

“...Princess Celestia tried to get you to kill a baby?”

“Yeah. it was really cool; I laughed so hard at her prank that I nearly pissed myself while holding the knife.”

“What the…”

“Anyways, wanna go get pizza?” Sunset’s ears perked up at that.

“Oh yes! Oh I had some of that stuff once… from some place called Pizza Hut.”

“Oh you poor bitch; Pizza Hut is shit tier when it comes to pizza.”

“Wait, pizza can get better?”

“Indeed it can! Follow me!” We both ran off to the kitchens.

We left the kitchen with several platters of pizza. Sunset offered to help carry them if I could take the ring off her horn, so I saw no problem in that of course! Sunset turned out to be pretty cool, and actually helped carry all the food with her magic. When all was said and done, I took a seat at the dining table before patting the yellow unicorn on the back. “You know, if you keep behaving yourself for the rest of the night, I’ll let you walk around without the ring.”

“You can do that?”

“Legally? No. Do I care? No. Celestia can go give herself a rimjob if she gets mad at me for bonding with her old student over some food.”

“Well, you won’t hear me complaining either; and don’t worry, I will behave if this tastes good.” Sunset grabbed a slice of pizza with her magic and took a bite. Her eyes went wide as she pulled the slice back, getting some nice, cheese-pulley action as she chewed. It seemed like Sunny was the type of mare to actually take her time to savor each bite, because she chewed it for a solid thirty seconds before swallowing. “Oh my god.”

“Is it good?”

“You were right, compared to this, Pizza Hut was awful! Like holy shit, this tastes so good!”

“I see that you picked up on human sayings over your two years in the mirror world.” Sunset’s ears pinned against her head, having finished the slice in two bites. “Oh… shit. I didn't mean to-”

Sunny shook her head. “No, you didn’t know… it’s just that I had to fit in, so I learnt human phrases really quickly to fit in better. Sometimes it hurts; knowing that I couldn’t excel as much as I wanted, and then Twilight Sparkle becomes a fucking alicorn in a little under two years? I was Celestia’s student for probably longer than Twilight was when she ‘graduated’ and all I got was better control over my magic!”

“Sunny. That is a slippery slope you’re going down.” Sunset looked up at me with wide eyes. “I once used to compare myself to everyone else, to be first rather than last. All that did was make me stressed and pissed off when I couldn’t overachieve on something I honestly wasn’t very good at. Eventually I learnt something important: It does not matter if you are better or worse, to be the best. And it only hurts when you compare yourself to everyone. Have inspirations, those are always important, but don’t compare yourself to them. It’s like trying to take singing lessons and immediately compare yourself to Beyonce; it’ll just upset you when you can’t compare to her.”

She sniffled. “But…”

“You’re an already gifted unicorn, you being a pupil directly to one of the most powerful magic users in history proves that, Sunset Shimmer. Perhaps what you didn’t need was power, and just control over the sheer, raw power that you already had. So what if you never made any groundbreaking achievements? Look at yourself right now, nobody else, are you proud of what you’ve done? Are you proud of what you are? Are you happy?”

Subset shrugged. “Sometimes I regret simply plotting my revenge. I had a whole new world to explore and discover and… I wasted that opportunity on petty revenge and only ever hurt anyone.”

“Then raise your chin up and improve yourself. If you aren’t proud of yourself now, or what you’ve done, become what you will be proud of. Will you make huge leaps and bounds to be a better person? Or will you struggle a bit with becoming a better person? It doesn’t matter, just improve yourself, and once you reach the end, ask yourself if you’re proud of who you are in those few final moments, Sunny,” we were sitting next to each other, so I pulled her into a hug when I saw tears running down her face. “And, because we’re friends, I’ll be with ya until the end.”

“We’re… we’re friends?”

“Yeah. We both hate Celestia’s guts, and we both like pizza. I’m sure we’ll discover other things we like, but so far, you’re pretty cool despite you trying to plot to destroy an entire high school. If you don’t wanna be friends, cool, if you do, that would be nice. I can tell that you’re probably a good pony, just with a lot of problems, but if you do, that would be nice.” Sunset leaned into me, now not crying, and we just sat and ate pizza together.

Sunset and I were now idly chatting, just like a couple teenagers, we had managed to clear through two out of the eight pizzas I made. One point of conversation was what we missed about our respective worlds. Where we both agreed the internet was great, and Sunset was shocked to hear that I hated my parents with a passion. From there, Shimmer asked about who I was dating, and I began telling her about changelings.

While she isn’t as obsessed as Twilight, she did make a cute little face while she was taking in any new information she deemed interesting. It was very cute that I booped her on the nose mid conversation, and it was cuter when she didn’t even react; her body blinked on instinct for her. But her ears held their position facing towards me, and drunk in every bit of information of Chrysalis and the ‘lings as I was legally allowed to tell. Who knew that a criminal would be criminally cute?

I couldn’t share everything though, which was understandable. Because being a race that got by off of being secret meant that you have secrets you don’t want to let out. Of course, all good things must come to an end, and that ended with four happy looking Princesses, and Chrysalis with my dart gun in her mouth, walked in. the Princesses were chatting away, while Chrysalis looked to be on the verge of committing suicide. “Golly! I am starving…” Cadance paused mid sentence. “What is Sunset Shimmer doing without her ring?”

“She was behaving, so I fed her some pizza, and she’s been behaving since. Sunny’s been using me as a pillow ever since we’ve had a talk. So I found zero reason to put the ring back on her after she’s been nothing but a sweet little filly the whole time.”

“Didn’t you say she threatened to hit you with a sledge hammer?” Twilight asked.

“And I shot her with a dart gun. And you. And that bitch over there,” Sunset and Twilight’s eyes widened when they realized who that bitch was: Celestia herself. “So I’d say we’re even, and she wasn’t thinking straight. And also has anger issues and several mental health problems from being put under such a rigorous curriculum since the age of four. Constant homework, studying, tests, all that fun stuff that stresses the fuck out of kids back home. So I don’t fully blame her for being a bitch; I was being one too by shooting her.”

“And he fed me the best pizza I’ve ever had! A girl loves a stallion that can cook.” Sunset shook her hooves like they were fists.

“And I love him, so don’t get any ideas,” Chrysalis said, teleporting my dart gun into some random plain of existence.

“I know what you and Fruit have going on, and while I might’ve been evil until Fruit offered me food, even I’m above trying to wedge myself into a relationship to try and ruin it.”

Celly chimed in. “You can still have a herd, Fruit, you me, Luna-”

“Celly, what did we say about us being friends?”

“You… would kill yourself if we ever became friends?”

“Yup. and I would personally kick myself in the dick, in the grave, and then haunt the fuck out of you if we ever date each other. Secondly, I’m not going to have a harem. Sunny’s sexy and all,” Sunset buried her face into my neck in raw, totally not flustered or embarrassed at all, thankfulness for such a compliment. “But I only have eyes for one woman, and Chrysalis currently is that woman… mare, cute and sexy bughorse that I wanna cuddle with.” Chrysalis flew across the room to obtain a kiss that she was long overdue for.

“So why do you hate Celly, Fruit? Weren’t you both best friends?” Cadence asked.

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, why is that?”

I shrugged. “Friends simply drift apart-”

“But you’re so openly hostile with her now. That’s a little more than drifting apart!” Twilight yelled.

“Cadance, did you not remember what I said when we first got here a week ago?”

“Nope!” I slowly turned to Celestia and she winked. God dammit. Apparently mind wiping is possible now?

“Well, I made pizza if y’all want it. Chryssy, I’ll see you after dinner. C’mon Sunny, I stole a laptop and had somebody make it run solely off of magic… I think I managed to put an emulator with every single NES, DS, and whatever the fuck, game onto it.”

“Is there Pokemon on it?”

“All the way up to the newest one.”

Sunset grinned. “You have my interest.”

Sunset’s a fucking psycho; she actually likes Klink of all Pokemon! We ended off that night debating(yelling at each other) over why Klink’s a dumb pokemon or why it’s not, why me liking Vulpix is retarded(according to Sunset Shimmer), and then onto our favorite games in the series. Sunset actually hit me over the head with a book after I said every game was the exact same, and I hit her over the head with the same book for saying Bidoof is a terrible pokemon. After all was said and done, we were lying side by side, holding a controller each in our magic, playing Super Smash Bros.

“You know, when I first laid my eyes on you, I did not expect you to be such a huge geek over these sorts of- FUCK!” Shimmer just fully stocked me. “Games. Or that you’d be so damn chill; like Jesus, are you the same mare that just tried to cause the apocalypse?””

“You humans make very fun games; even I found time for Dark Souls inbetween my plotting for revenge and brooding routine. I didn’t expect you- what the hell? How’d you get that hit?” I just abused a bug to one-tap Sunset’s character off stage. “To be so… nice. You did shoot me after all, so you can’t blame me for assuming you’d be a huge dick.”

“Thank you, I knew my dick was big when I became a horse!”

“I will cut it off if you don’t stop making those sorts of jokes.” My ears flattened. “I’m just joking; I’m actually a fan of that sort of humor…” Sunset closed Smash Bros and went through the movies I ripped onto the laptop. “Holy… how expensive was this laptop?”

“Ten grand; it came with a few terabytes, a small twenty seven. So I just started putting shit on it.”

“Oh my god. You put How to Train Your Dragon on here!?” Sunset Shimmer looked very excited about that. So we put it on, eventually Chrysalis joined us, and we were well on our way to watch the entire franchise. It was cute to see how excited they both actually got while watching each movie, or seeing them actually cry when somebody actually died. Or how depressed Sunset actually got at the end of the third movie before ripping into the narrative and making genuinely constructive criticism despite her loving the third movie. Chrysalis even picked apart the second movie for the fun of it, and was apparently more observant than Sunny.

Still, I could not get over how Sunset actually likes Clink of all pokemon though. Seriously, who likes that stupid thing?

Author's Note

Sunset Shimmer is adorable. Sue me for wanting to make her a cute little nerd.

Fruit, You Are a Father
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Not So Funny Story

Fruit, You Are a Father

“So Fruit, why are you suddenly deciding to go on a cross-country journey throughout Equestria?” Chrysalis asked, having packed our stuff, most of which was hers. “After all, we have a perfectly safe Hive to go back to, safe and far away from Celestia.”

“Chryssy, Celestia fucking mind-wiped Cadance after I told her what happened between me and Celestia. If Celestia is willing to do that to her niece, which is the closest thing to her own flesh and blood that she has, then I don’t wanna know what the fuck is up with that shit. Was Celestia that borderline psychotic back when you two were dating?” Chrysalis just shook her head. “Then how… the actual shit-”

“I have two theories. One, Celestia is actually just a psychopath, a bored one at that, having grown into it due to how socially isolated she was for a thousand years. The other is that the real Celestia got kidnapped, and another Queen took her place. Either is very possible; it’s hard for Queens to actually pick up on each other if they are of equal magical strength. And anyone would go insane from being isolated by your position of power. Had Luna never fallen to her anger and hatred a thousand years ago, I believe Celestia would at least not be psychotic.”

“But Luna was literally on the moon, alone, for a thousand years.”

“She was in a coma. Nightmare Moon was the only one conscious for a thousand years. Luna is just socially awkward for a number of reasons. However, I will personally look into this Celestia situation; if my friend has been replaced by a changeling, then I would like to know why.”

“I still wanna go on a tour around Equestria. Sunset Shimmer wants to see what’s changed since she was gone, and I wanna actually explore the country I’m living in. We’re stopping in Ponyville first, because I guess she wants to make amends with Twilight or whatever, so I’ll still be close by if I want to back out of the tour.”

“Well… you best not think of doing anything with Sunset Shimmer when you two are alone.”

“Like… playing Mario?”

“I meant sex.”

“Why do you immediately assume that I might cheat on you?”

“I can tell you two are close, and it hasn’t even been a full day since you two have interacted. If you do decide to start a herd, she would not be a bad option; I quite like her as well. But I hope-”

“Chryssy, me and Sunset just have a few common interests due to us being human, well, Sunny was a human for about a few years, but she was human. If she is older than what I think my body’s age is, cool, but she acts a lot more like an excitable teenager than an adult, so she’s more like this little sister that loves every hobby you happen to love. Except that little sister kicks your ass in Super Smash Bros every time you play, because while brewing up a way to take over the fucking world, she managed to also make money in tournaments for that shit.”

“I see you are still seeping with sodium after Sunset mopped the floor with you in your silly human games. I honestly do not know how you are so terrible. I ‘full stocked’ the two of you and it was my first time playing.”

“You cheated!”

“By learning the mechanics quickly?”

“...How the fuck did you even learn so quickly?”

“Because I have nice legs, and you won’t disagree with me when I use those in an argument.” She had me there. Dammit... now I was staring at those nice legs.

The ride out of the Crystal Empire was quite uneventful. I urged Sunset onto the train before either of us could see Celestia, since Sunset is still bitter towards the alicorn, and the same alicorn scares me. Twilight and her friends followed suit; despite Twilight wanting to talk to her old mentor, she had to hurry to get on the train with the rest of us because she didn’t have her own Royal Train yet. Neither did Chrysalis, but apparently changelings just have tunnels underground that let ‘lings fly at supersonic speeds.

So that’s what Chrysalis did to get ahead of Celestia to set up a trap for her, or something.

Also, the ride was uneventful if you don’t count the part where Sunset actually hid behind me, for various reasons. One being verbal assault and an almost physical assault from the dumbest fucker in Twilight’s friend group. “So why did you steal Twilight’s crown?” Rainbow, you fucking moron. “Huh? Tell me why. Did you not think your actions-”

“Oi, gay bitch,” I snickered. It’s funny because I don’t think Rainbow’s straight. “Technically, and legally, Sunset is a prisoner of the Hive, and I am her warden. How the fuck Chrysalis managed to get that arranged, I don’t fucking know, but the point is… you have no right to interrogate her.” I patted the cowering unicorn, who actually whimpered at my touch. “And yeah, she fucked up, but she wanted to go to Ponyville with you guys before she went on a tour around Equestria at my recommendation. She wanted to make amends with Twilight, and all you’ve been doing is yell at her for the last few hours, Rainbow.”

“She almost-”

“Yeeh, she almost enslaved an entire race with Equestrian magic. Guess what? She didn’t, and is making strides to better herself. Get off her ass and let her grow, or she’ll go right back to trying to blow up the Earth or some shit. What you’re doing either sprouts villains, or help convicts return to what they’ve done to be convicts in the first place. Shut your shit up, before I kick your shit in.” I raised my hoof. “I am not above breaking your nose right here and now if you do not leave my charge alone.” I snarled.

“But- oof!” Rainbow really did not take getting punched in the chest very well. “What the buck?”

“I said to stop harassing my friend, Rainbow. I am not a fucking pony in the head. While Sunset, who is actually a pony, is more likely to run from conflict, I will meet it dead on, and I will meet it with violence. I would rather not have to resort to it, but if I must, I will punch the shit out of the problem until it stops being a problem. My race has driven species of animals extinct because they kept being problems. And I’m willing to follow in my forefathers’ footsteps with you and your entire family tree. Now, what are you going to do?”

Rainbow, now bug eyed, backed away slowly to the other end of the train cart. Even Apple Jack was a bit disturbed by that.

“Fruit, that was a little mean.” Twilight pointed out.

“You best not tell me, after sitting and listening to Rainbow verbally assault Sunset for hours, that you’re taking Rainbow, Brickhead, Dash’s side. Yeah, promote Loyalty, oh Princess of friendship, but there’s a difference between loyalty, and blindly following your friend and not telling them that they’re being an idiot.” I wrapped a hoof around Sunset. “Sunset’s fucking crying because of how much Rainbow was yelling at her. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Rainbow got physical with Sunset Shimmer if I weren’t here. For that alone, Rainbow has none of my respect, along with another myriad of reasons.”

“I… you’re right, Fruit. I just didn’t know what to do-”

“Because you ponies aren’t built for dealing with conflict. Yes, you can deal with it when given enough time, but your first instinct is to run away, then think about how to resolve it.” I rubbed Sunny’s shoulder and gave her my full attention. “Are you feeling better, Sunny?” I shook my head to myself. “That’s a stupid question, of course you aren’t. I know how to make you smile though!” I stuck a hoof in Sunset’s ear and started rubbing the inside of it. Low and behold, Sunny’s very ticklish.

“Fru-hu-haha! Fru-Fruit! Stah-hap!” Sunset squirmed as her adorable laughter filled up the train cart. I could practically feel how shocked Twilight and her friends probably looked as their most recent enemy turned out to just be a giant cinnamon roll. Of course, after thoroughly tickling the sadness out of Sunset, and removing the breath from her lungs, I relented and kept holding her. “I… fucking… hate you… so…” Sunset took a huge heap of oxygen in. “Much.” Rainbow slowly reproached; she probably thought that I wouldn’t murder her now.

I’m tickling a cute mare; of course I’m not in the mood to kill somebody. Even if I was only bluffing when I threatened Rainbow’s entire family.

“Hey, you aren’t crying anymore, right?” Sunset weakly punched my shoulder. “Yeah, keep pouting, it’s cute.” That brought a blush to her face as she caught her breath. And... she’s pouting and blushing; adorable. I turned my head, low and behold, everyone except Pinkie was shocked, she was writing down something while whispering ‘I can make somepony smile’. So I think that’s a new trick she’ll abuse now. “So, Rainbow, you wanna apologize to Sunset? I betcha you’d both be good friends if you do!”

“But-”

“Rainbow, look at Sunset, the most evil pony ever, is resting her shoulder on some idiot, panting like crazy because she got tickled halfway to death. Sunset is fucking adorable, and deserves way better than what she was handed to in life. And seeing how fucked up Celestia possibly is, it’s no wonder that Sunset grew to resent Celestia for one reason or another. You don’t even have to like Sunset, just say sorry, and move on. You can focus on becoming friends later or never, but it’s wise to leave a good impression before you say goodbye to somebody forever.”

Twilight was writing that down like it was gospel.

When we got off of the train in Ponyville, Sunset and Twilight were geeking out over magic theory. Yes, magic theory. That sounds like a subject that would heavily contradict itself, but it was actually pretty neat even if I barely knew what they were saying. Stuff like levitation, an everyday spell has an equation, which was basically just an expert’s way of breaking the spell down, even if most ponies with horns knew that spell without knowing the equation. This worked all the way up to more complex spells, magical, physical augmentation. Anything that has a spell for it, has an equation.

So theoretically you could do any spell in existence if you had an equation book. You’d only blow yourself up if you fuck up, no stress. Oh yeah, and if you aren’t naturally strong with magic, good luck, you will blow yourself up while attempting the super complex shit.

On the brightside to the gibberisnese that the unicorn and alicorn were spewing out, it meant that they found something they shared a common interest in and were getting along. It got to an argument with them going on about which alicorn, besides the literal alicorn of magic and friendship, was the strongest, and if Queen Chrysalis held a candle to any alicorn. I simply chuckled at that, which sadly got their attention. “What?”

“Why are you even chuckling over this debate? You barely even know magic!”

“Twilight, Chrysalis is constantly fed love from me, and can hold her own against somebody using an alicorn amulet for a brief period of time because of it. I’m not super good with magic, or know a lot about how it works, but I think Chrysalis could probably take down Celestia if they get into a magic clash. You know, when two beams of magic hit each other, and it’s just a power struggle?”

“Well… that is a feat, but Chrysalis still lost to Trixie,” Twilight hummed.

“You know if Trixie didn’t have the amulet, Chrysalis woulda flattened, flipped her inside out, and then kicked her ass. Trixe didn’t seem that powerful with magic. Sure, it’s flashy, but I doubt Trixie could handle a fully fed Pharynx in a magical duel.”

“Pharynx… who’s that?” Twilight cocked her head.

“My personal trainer,” Twilight’s head cocked even further. “The changeling that’s teaching me how to murder people if I need to defend myself. He’s fucking strong; I’ve seen him spar with Shining Armor a couple of times. Shining somehow never won any physical bouts. Magic wise, they’re on par with each other even if Shiny’s shield is a trump card; Shiny’s good, but Pharynx is just sneaky, and has the strength to back it up. I think Shining Armor was Pharynx’s favorite sparring budy.”

“Hmmm. You know, Fruit. I never managed to get you to do a magic test, perhaps I can get you to do one? It would put you on the unicorn index at least.”

“Sure, I’m probably weak as fuck, but it’ll give me an idea of how shitty I am.”

“And… release.” I did as asked, and Twilight and Sunset wrote the results of that test down. “Your accuracy with magic is on point, probably from working at Hayburgers… though it’s nowhere near as cutting edge as Rarity,” Twilight hummed.

“You know, his levitation and grip are rather impressive,” Sunset chimed in. “Do you even use your magic, Fruit?”

“Outside of augmenting my movement or strength with it? No. I don’t wanna rely on magic unless I have to write something. Chrysalis has offered to teach me more about magic, and I only did a few lessons, and keep doing occasional lessons, because it made her happy. Aside from that? Nah. my human brain can’t put any logic behind it, so I barely want anything to do with it. I want to know how something works, but the equations for it all seem arbitrary to me and nonsensical. So I don’t want anything to do with it.”

“Well, you’re pretty above average for a pony that never uses magic; you apparently know magical augmentation, which places your magical knowledge pretty high up off that bat; nopony those spells very often outside of the guard… but that’s the only spell you know that isn’t levitation. You could probably learn how to teleport pretty quickly if we showed you how,” Sunset grinned. “Oh! I wanted to teach somepony how to use magic!”

“Sunset, that’s fun and all, but again, I don’t want much of anything to do with magic. And with me owning a dart gun and a shotgun, I don’t need to learn any more combative magic. Stop using puppy eyes; Chrysalis has you beat in that department by a long shot.”

“How? She’s kinda-”

I summoned a picture of Chrysalis doing puppy eyes, where she used changeling magic to make them bigger, and overall, portion her head out to be very similar to a filly’s.

“-Okay, yeah, that’s really cute… But how the fuck did you summon that photo? And where was that?”

“It was in a photobook in mine and Chrysalis’s bedroom. So… somewhere under Canterlot.”

“Fruit, that’s teleportation.”

“Yeah. and?”

“You know how to do teleportation spells… And you didn’t even know it!,” Twilight groaned. “You could be so good with magic and you won’t let us teach you! Just drop your human brain and just go with what we teach you, PLEASE!” I raised a hoof to my chin, hummed, and ever so subtly inched myself closer to a nearby window before jumping out of it and booking it. Twilight had that look that meant ‘if you say no, I will make you do it anyways’ so I just ran for it.

Somehow my attempts at hiding from Celestia’s former students landed me inside of an orphanage. I don’t know how, but Pinkie just dropped by, started playing a song, and when it ended, I was in an orphanage. Of course, I was offered to look around and see if there were any foals I would be interested in adopting. Did I say no? No. I would have felt like a dick, so I just started walking up and down the isles just looking at babies for thirty minutes until I got to the foals that were about seven to eleven years old.

And that’s where I found a filly that was crying her eyes out. So I stopped and let myself in her pen. It was pretty nice, the floor was hay, there was a bed, and it didn’t look too bad. Her mane was really curly, and so was her tail for that matter. She was a little, mint colored pegasus with a rook for a cutie mark. She had a tie in her mane and tail, which were matching. All things told, she was fucking adorable. There was a problem with her tears though… She was crying intentionally. “Hey kiddo.” the filly looked up from me, sniffing.

There was something off about this kid.

“Hi.” She said. Oh, she’s good, but I can see what she’s doing. “Are you going to adopt me?”

“Well… I dunno. I dunno if Chrysalis would be okay with me adopting a filly without talking it over with her. What’s your name?”

“I’m Cozy Glow. Nopony wants to adopt me because they think I’m not cute.” Cozy’s glance to the ground and back at me with puppy eyes. Her voice sounded off, and there wasn’t even a stutter or sob to fit the sadness in her voice.

“Kid, you can drop the act; I know you’re faking it and something is fucking wrong with you.” Cozy Glow’s eyes widened in pure shock. “Yeah, betcha didn’t expect to meet a guy who has several degrees in body language and pony behavior, didn’t ya?”

“How…”

“The crocodile tears, the lack of a certain… shine in your eyes that actually sad foals have, just how calmly you said ‘hi’ instead of just remaining silent. No sobs, heck you just stopped crying and looked shocked after my bluff. You’re telling me the truth about why nobody’s adopting you, right?”

“It’s because they don’t think I’m a good filly.” Cozy Glow sighed. “They think because I sit quietly in the center of my pen, that I’m creepy. Sometimes mares come in and see me holding something over some of the other foals and make fun of them and say I’m weird. Sometimes I’m seen making fun of somepony I have power over, and then consider me creepy.”

“Cozy, you might be a megalomaniac; somebody who wants power. Not just want it, they crave it more than anything. You also seem a tiny bit unaware of the pain you might be causing others. Because bullying somebody? That’s kinda normal, even if I don’t like it. Finding people you have power over, and holding it over their heads because you think that you’re better than them? Yeah, that ain’t normal. Tell me, do you want to have power over everyone?” Cozy nodded. “Yeah, that ain’t normal.”

“So you won’t adopt me?”

“Never said I would or that I wouldn’t. I’m staying in town for a few days, so I just need to send a letter to Chrysalis about if I can adopt ya. I may not know how to properly care for somebody that might genuinely be a psycho… I could adopt you and just kill you to save the world.” Cozy’s eyes widened in fear. “Okay good, you have emotions; you aren’t a psycho yet, Cozy. You aren’t a sociopath either, luckily.” Cozy was now actually shaking. “Okay, maybe joking about murdering you was a bad idea to test if you’re too far gone or not.” I got down on my knees, and turned Cozy’s head so we were eye to eye. “I won’t hurt you. I might adopt you, too. I won’t kill you when I do though. I couldn’t do that to something so cute,” I noogied Cozy’s head.

“So I’ll have a Dad?” I nodded. The way Cozy’s eyes actually lit up was adorable. “YES!” She hopped up to me and actually hugged me. D’aw, she might be a psycho, but she’s a cute one. Raising her will be tough, but I think I can at least help her. Having somebody to teach her right from wrong would do her some good, and hopefully curve that megalomania she has going on.

“Just lemme get into contact with my girlfriend; I need to know she’s okay with this before we do anything, alright? If things go accordingly, you’ll have a Dad and a Mom.”

Anyways, Chrysalis came pretty quickly and we were standing at the adoption desk. “I’m surprised you let me do this.”

“I wanted foals; I didn’t say I had to be the one to give birth to them, Fruit. I hope you understand that we will get married sooner than you’d expect if you want to go through with this.”

“I’m down. I get to raise a kid, something I was hoping to do at some point, and I get to marry the love of my life? Sign me up!” Chrysalis smirked. “Though it would be a little sooner than I’d like, I also know what’ll happen if that kid’s left in this orphanage with nobody to raise her properly; she’s gonna end up fucked up in the head, so fucked up that it leads her to do some incredibly shitty things. And if there’s one thing I hate, it’s letting somebody get nurtured into being a psycho when they could be helped.”

“Then let us meet Cozy Glow-”

I was tackled by a very excitable filly. “I knew you’d come back! I knew it!” Cozy genuinely sounded so happy to see me that I couldn’t help but laugh. “I have a dad…” Cozy then looked up at Chrysalis. “You’re…”

“Queen Chrysalis, at your service. I’m also your dad’s marefriend. So I am also your Mom now… if you don’t mind.”

“I…” Cozy Glow then tackled Chrysalis with all the power and might that only an excited filly could have. “This is the best day of my life!” The next thing I knew, Chrysalis was grooming Cozy, Cozy was actually acting like a child instead of a dead-inside-midget, and I was signing the adoption papers for us. We had the adoption fees wavered by Chrysalis literally being a queen. “So does this mean I’m a princess now?” Cozy asked.

“Yeah. But I’ll be teaching you how to properly treat others. It’s good to want power and all, it’s ambition, and I can’t fault ya on having that. But what you do with that power is important kiddo.” Cozy just stared at me in wonder. “You can be the most powerful mare in the world, and it won’t matter if you treat everyone so poorly that they revolt and tear you down from your throne. Treat everyone with love and care though? They’ll be loyal to you, Cozy. They’ll love you.”

“Nopony told me that before…”

“Because nobody took the chance to actually raise you, and help you work through your flaws to turn them into strengths. You may never come into full power of the Hive, but I can easily see you being a good mayor of a town or city if you desire. You may even be good at it, since what Fruit told me, you tried to emotionally manipulate him off the bat, and he only saw through it because he spent his life learning about how to see through such manipulation.” Chrysalis, how fucking dare you.

“It’s… why I stopped trying to manipulate him. He actually wanted to adopt me despite knowing what is ‘wrong’ with me... And he’d call me out on it too, It’s scary as to how quickly he saw through that! So many have fallen to that trick before!”

“Just know that I can probably teach you to be even more manipulative without relying on being cute; though just being cute is probably why Fruit wanted to adopt you aside from wanting to help you. of course.” Chrysalis lifted Cozy up in her magic before blowing a raspberry into the filly’s stomach. Of course, Cozy had to give a very cute giggle to that. “Now, see how Fruit thought that was cute? Ask him to buy you some candy and give him puppy eyes while doing it.”

I ended up buying them both chocolate because Cozy asked me to buy her new mother some as well… I’m not gonna survive for very long with an adorable daughter and cute marefriend doing this to me. Cozy’s reaction to having candy for the first time was adorable, and also heartbreaking due it exposing me to just how much society really did fuck her over… Yeah, that little smile on her face as she indulged in cheapo-milk chocolate is worth being manipulated with cuteness. Chrysalis then immediately started going over what tricks work on me specifically, so you know how well I’m going to do with saying no to an already adorable filly. She had a teddy bear by the end of that day.

I’m okay with that.

Author's Note

Fruit will be bankrupted while buying sweets for his new foal.

A New Job
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Not So Funny Story

A New Job

I woke up with a little filly cozied up, face buried in my chest, covered up in my tail. My adorable little daughter was happily sleeping in, as Chrysalis and I have yet to actually put her into a school of any kind. We didn’t know of any, and Chrysalis was doing a decent job of making sure Cozy had the basics in math, language, hoof to hoof self defense courses in case some stallions think it’s wise to take advantage of her, the normal stuff. And Chrysalis, while she did it as often as she could, didn’t have a strict school schedule for our new little daughter. And because Cozy Glow is adorable, I found myself unable to get up and start the day as there was my stupidly cute daughter using my stomach as a bed.

Oh god, she’s using one of her wings as a tiny little blanket… Bro, why? My heart is gonna be a fucking puddle by the time Cozy grows up.

A fun thing I learnt while simply doing research on when foals are legally considered adults… As soon as a foal gets a cutie mark, no matter the age, it is, for some reason, able to legally consent to shit. Like even if the poor kid is fucking five, they are legal for an adult to… talk to. Yeah no, I shut that shit down immediately. Luckily, Cozy isn’t looking for boys at the moment, or grown men, but that stupid bit about cutie marks rubs me the wrong way. Like a twelve year-old who just figured out they like playing checkers should not be allowed to say ‘yes’ when an old, creepy dude asks to join them in bed.

So I told Cozy that she, until she was at least sixteen, would not be allowed to have sex with anyone. Surprisingly, she was fully okay with that; apparently some old dudes tried to creep on her in the orphanage… What the fuck? Yeah, yeah, okay. I’m going to find Celestia and get that shit changed as soon as Cozy wakes up. Because… Why? And if Celestia says no, I will take all of the cake in Equestria, build a motherfucking spaceship, and ship all that shit off to Saturn if that exists in this magical pony universe.

Speaking of adorable little daughters, Cozy Glow woke up, and was just stretching and yawning while I simply grinned down at her. “Uh… Dad? Why-”

“You were using your wing as a blanket.”

“Yeah, is that weird?” Cozy tilted her head. “I thought it was common for pegasi to do that in their sleep.”

“It’s not weird, Cozy, I never said it was. It’s just really cute,” I nuzzled her on the forehead. ‘And you are absolutely adorable. I will have heartburn by the time you are legally considered a mare and not just a filly.” Cozy’s little smile was so bright and happy that it might’ve just given me some heartburn. “So, what do you want for breakfast? I’m sure you would love some scrambled eggs and pancakes loaded with syrup.” Cozy tilted her head.

“You can cook?”

“Remember that ‘cheezy, saucy disk’?” Cozy nodded. “I came up with that recipe, well, my grandpa did. I learned the recipe and brought it into Equestria…” Did I ever tell Cozy about what I am? Probably not. “I should probably tell you now, so you don’t find out later in the future…” I put a hoof to my chest. “I’m not a pony.” Cozy Glow gave me a ‘are you fucking stupid’ look. “I swear, I’m not a pony. I may look at it, and I have the body of a pony, but mentally,” I tapped my head. “I’m not a pony. If I were actually a pony, I probably wouldn’t have adopted you.”

“Why… is that?”

“Because ponies are more likely to just shove problems aside than actually deal with them. Luna became Nightmare Moon because she had a lot of deep-seated mental issues and possibly depression. What does Celestia do? Ignore it. If you were never adopted, you’d probably end up doing something fucked up, and nobody would question you for being anti-social or anything. Then when you do that fucked up thing, bam, straight to Tartarus without even trying to help you with whatever drove you to do the bad thing to begin with. I love ponies, they’re great, but they’re racist and metaphorically and literally run from their problems rather than actually solve them. That. That is why you were dealt such an awful deck of cards before I adopted you.”

“...Huh… What were you before you were a pony?” I chuckled and nuzzled her. “Dad? Please, pretty please tell me?”

“I was once human.” Of course, that led into the conversation as to what humans were.

I ended up telling Cozy the basic outline of human history, from the stone age up to modern day, about what I did as a human, all that fun stuff. Cozy drank in all of what I said with childlike wonder, even the heinously fucked up shit like the towers falling or the mass genocide of six million people. I think that’s more chalked up to Cozy just being interested in the topic I was teaching her rather than her being a psycho; she asked for a reason, after all. When I was done, Cozy simply yawned.

“So you, somepony that stared King Sombra in the face without flinching, was somebody who used to make sandwiches for other ‘people’?” I nodded. “You have to be the coolest, lamest dad of all time. You’re a national hero, to the point that even I heard of you while I was in that orphanage. And… you worked in fast food.” I chuckled.

“When you put it like that, yeah, I’m pretty lame. I could take down three fully trained guards through sheer martial might, but I was working in a Hayburgers when I was learning how to kill people.” I sighed. “I need to find another job at some point; can’t be a good example to you if I’m lazing about like a lazy-bum.” Cozy slapped me with a wing. “What?”

“Dad, you’re depressed.” Oh. “Mom talks about it, Auntie Scatter talks about it, even I can see it. You don’t feel like you have a purpose so you bury yourself with work in order to not worry about it. You talk about ponies and how they run from their problems, or ignore them. Yet you’re here, in front of me, ignoring your depression and trying to distract yourself from them. Dad, I know how to manipulate ponies, you know that, and because of that, I know how to read them like those silly little books you read me. And while Mom doesn’t know how to help you, I don’t either, but I know you’ve got some knowledge in helping yourself. You’ve been helping me with my problems and raising me the ‘right way’. I don’t want to see my Dad being depressed; you made me happy, so I want to see you happy.” Jesus christ.

“You… Are fully right. It’s just… I dunno. My problems seem minute, unimportant compared to everyone else. Chrysalis is running a Hive and constantly making sure it’s running while also keeping up with political meetings. Luna’s been, and still is, struggling to properly fit into modern day Equestria, Twilight’s adjusting to being a Princess. Celestia literally got fucking kidnapped and basically tortured for almost two months. You, you got fucked over in society to the point that you’re almost a sociopath. What do I have going on with me? Oh, I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself? I’m a little sad? My problems are minor, Cozy, I’m putting everyone else’s problems above my own.”

“Dad, you constantly use the phrase ‘even the smallest violins need an audience’. Start taking your own advice before I make you. And I will do it by being cute and begging you to. I will even listen to you if you want to vent to me, Mom would love it if you opened up to her about this. I know Princess Celestia has offered you her ear, and so did Princess Luna. You have ponies that are willing to listen to your problems, but all you do is bury them in work.” Cozy closed her eyes and reopened them with puppy eyes, and she was crying. Like those tears were genuine. “I know you want to make sure I’m happy, but please, please take care of yourself.

“It-it hurts, Dad. it hurts to see you hurting. I-I l-love you, everypony who knows you, loves you. Whenever I-’ sleep with Mom, sh-she talks about how she can feel your emotions and how they make her weep. I’ve been cuddling up with you every night because it apparently helps you… I-I d-don’t want to see you suffer, nopony does. As you said it, nopony deserves to suffer alone, and ye-yet you make yourself s-suffer alone.” I nuzzled Cozy. “Dad, just promise me, you’ll use your tricks that help me feel better about yourself, or talk to somepony. Not just promise me, Pinkie Promise me you will go to Princess Celestia after breakfast and just talk to her. Tell her your problems.”

Her stutters matched every sob as she spoke. Cozy was being genuine.

“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. Once we get breakfast, I will go talk to Celestia. She’s been hoping to do some catching up anyways… You planned that, didn't you?”

“A-a little. I know you missed properly talking to Princess Celestia after she went ‘sicko’ and made you do horrible things. Now… Now that the real princess is back, you probably want to talk to her. She’s just the only pony I know is probably free; it’s time for her breakfast anyways.” I nodded.

“You know, we could go have breakfast with Celestia, and while we’re chatting, you can spend some time with Luna. I know she would love to spend some time with a cute, little filly like yourself.”

“That… would be nice.”

So after meeting up with Celestia, I dropped Cozy Glow off on Luna, who was all too happy to be a babysitter for the day after downing a cup, or six, of coffee. Then we quickly moved into a sitting room so that we could talk. “So Fruit, what did you wish to talk about? Often when we chat, it’s about something I’m interested in, and not the other way around. So I was quite excited and more than willing to free an hour or two out of my day to speak with you.” Celestia poured herself a cup of tea. “Care for some tea?”

“I don’t like leaf soup, remember?”

“I… am going to break your neck if you do not call tea what it actually is.”

“But it’s leaf soup!” Celestia simply shook her head.

“You are very lucky that I like you, Fruit.” Celestia giggled. “So, back to the topic at hoof?”

“Uh… Cozy Glow told me to tell you about any problems I have. I know you aren’t a therapist, and I probably shouldn’t dump all my problems on you, especially when you’ve got your own, more severe ones, but I Pinkie Promised, whatever that means. And even if it weren’t a Pinkie Promise, I would tell you anyways; I like to be held to my word. So… would be willing to-” I was suddenly laying down on a big, Princess-sized cushion, under Celestia’s wing, being groomed by her. “Uh Celestia? This is a bit too cuddly-”

“Oh, be quiet. I was hoping you would open up eventually. I am pretty old, Fruit. While you are just an outright expert in reading body language and psychology, I have had enough time to understand and learn how to read ponies like children’s books. I can tell you aren’t truly happy despite you having everything you could want. A lovely child, a beautiful marefriend that you’re going to marry in a few months, you had a stable job, and now you don’t even need to work a day in your life thanks to your marefriend. Despite everything, you are still unhappy. If somepony was in your position, they would be incredibly happy and feel as though their life had been fulfilled.”

“That’s the thing, I have everything I could possibly want, with next to no struggle. I have friends like you, who are more than capable of making sure I would never struggle. Sure, I’m having a lot of fun, and feeling some form of fulfillment from raising a filly, but I’m just… I don’t feel like I earned anything. I got to where I am by being a lucky sack of shit, not by working my ass off to achieve and obtain my position. I… I want something more out of life. I want to do something that actually matters. Helping somebody like Cozy makes me feel that, but I want to leave this world in a better condition than when I’ve left it. And I don’t think I’m doing much to do that.”

“In other words; you don’t know what you want to do.” I nodded. “Usually a pony would follow their cutie mark… but your cutie mark doesn’t say a whole lot about what you want to be. You are a doer of all, master of none, if your interpretation of your mark is anything to go by. On top of that, you aren’t mentally a pony, so you probably wouldn’t want to follow your cutie mark… I do not know how to help you with your self actualisation, but I can tell you this: Don’t worry about it for now.”

“Celestia, I am human, we humans love ambition. We want a goal, and we will work towards that goal no matter what. We want to put purpose into our life no matter what it is. To spread the word of god, to make technological advancements, explore what has never been done before. I want a reason to exist. I was put onto Equus for a reason, even if the reason makes no sense, or how my entrance makes no sense. I want to know what that reason is. I…” I sighed. “It sucks, you know? Not knowing what to do with yourself… It makes life boring. That’s why I drowned myself in work; I wanted to distract myself from how empty my life feels despite what I have.”

“You are still thankful for what you have, correct?”

“Of course I am. My marefriend is sweet, loveable, and sexy as fuck. I have a daughter that I would give my life for, and I don’t need to work if I choose not to. But… I miss my job at Hayburgers. Even if it wasn’t a lot, helping ponies just feel a little better by making them the cheap, trashy food they like made me feel like I was doing something. On top of that, it was one of the few things I outright excelled in. I know how to fight, so I can defend those I care about. I… I am happy with how my life’s going, but I want something more out of it.”

“I could try sending you on missions with the Elements of Harmony.” I tilted my head.

“Why though? I doubt those six need to defend themselves; you put them through basic hoof to hoof combat training classes.”

“You can outright beat any of them in a raw fight, Fruit. Trust me, I have had the time to pick up and calculate how skilled a pony is in a fight. You, despite the magical discrepancy, can beat Twilight if you play your cards right. Fluttershy wouldn’t even want to fight, and would likely surrender immediately. You are agile enough to outmaneuver Apple Jack, and good enough with countering to fight Rainbow Dash’s speed. And you and Rarity are on par with each other with magic, even if your skills are in different areas of magic, which would leave you two at a physical bout at the end of the day. I’ve looked at the medical records of the pony you ‘murdered’. You shattered his jaw in one strike. Rarity is tough, but unless it’s Shining Armor, it would be rather hard for a unicorn to take any punches you want to throw.”

“And the others?”

“You are a good fighter, Fruit. And the ones I didn’t mention wouldn’t be quick to fight anyways. And the only two who are quick to fight are Apple Jack and Rainbow. You would be given something to do, and you can keep some of the most important ponies in Equestria safe. And I know you will do a good job, but do try to keep your rather… violent methods to a minimum. I know you won’t try to kill anypony, but Twilight and her friends, especially Twilight, prefer more peaceful solutions. For instance, in a few weeks, Twilight and all of her friends are going to Rainbow Falls. There’s an event called the ‘Rainbow Falls Traders’ Exchange’. All you will have to do is stand guard for Twilight Sparkle, as she will be going in my stead. You don’t have to stand next to her; this is mostly just to get you out of Canterlot. You may even be able to trade for something you’d want. You are a bit of a national hero, after all.”

“Huh?”

“You more or less, are a national hero, Fruit. You beat King Sombra even if you meant to or not. That alone makes you a national hero in my little pony’s eyes. You just never noticed because… Well, Canterlot’s nobles are quite stuffy, and you aren’t ‘rich’, so ‘you don’t matter’.” Huh. “I’m also certain you have a few things you would be willing to trade.” I reached into my butt pocket, something everyone has apparently. “I have some coins from the human world. I could trade those off as some rare treasure, and I wouldn’t be wrong.”

“You wouldn’t, and somepony would like to have currency from another world. Especially that bronze one you’re holding,” I cocked my head. “Equestria has a lot of gold, but not a lot of bronze. It’s why our bits are made of gold; there’s a surplus of it and we have no use for it.” I cocked my head to the side. “In other words, those bronze coins you are holding are worth hundreds, if not thousands, of bits due to them using so much copper.”

“Celestia, that is really funny.” I chuckled. “These are pennies; they are worth next to nothing. We humans have so much bronze that we use it for pennies. We have so much silver that we use it for our other coinage. We also use paper for money as it’s easier to carry- hey that’s a human, trademarked idea, don’t steal it.”

“But it would make things so much easier…” Celestia hummed. “So these bronze coins are really common in your world?” I nodded. “No wonder you have a hoof full of them. You could easily get whatever you want at the trade exchange with those.” Huh. “So, about my offer?”

“On the less dangerous missions, can I bring Cozy Glow? I wanna spend as much time with her as possible, and I don’t want Chrysalis to neglect her duties.”

“I would say yes, but this one time, leave Cozy Glow with Chrysalis. Those two could use some mother and daughter time together, and this would be a wonderful opportunity.” I nodded. “So you’ll take my offer?”

“Well, yeah. It’ll give me something to do at least, and it’ll feel nice when I take a magical spell for Twilight or her friends while they do that floaty-prepare-to-make-our-enemies-taste-the-rainbow bit. Though… Rainbow Dash is rainbow colored, so she could probably do that whole bit herself.” Celestia tilted her head. “Skittles are a type of candy from my world. They come in a bunch of different colors and the tagline’s ‘taste the rainbow’. Fuck, I shoulda got a stockpile of those when I was on Earth, but I was kinda pissed a the time. Now I want Skittles.”

“There is always next time, in two years.”

“Yeah. you’d like them; your mane’s the same color as Skittles.”

“That is a dumb reason to like candy.”

“It’s also just flavored sugar; you’ll love them.”

“You are correct.” We chuckled. “Are you feeling a little better now?”

“It… Yeah, it felt… Good to get that feeling of worthlessness off my chest. And now I get to use some of my skills and put them to use!” I hugged Celestia. “Legit, if I were not already Chrysalis’s fiance, I would not mind dating you. You’re hot as fuck, literally, and super cool to hangout with.” Celestia was blushing. “What? Does the pretty princess get flustered when called attractive?”

“It… It is more flattering to be called ‘sexy’ from a close friend than your thousands of adoring subjects, Fruit. Thank you.”

“No prob. Go hit up Cadance; she’ll find somebody that’ll sweep you off your hooves. You deserve to be loved, after all.”

“I… I will consider it next time Cadance is in Canterlot. For now,” Celestia opened up a weird-mirror thing. On the other side, Cozy Glow had her forelegs crossed, frowning, and wearing an adorable little sweater that Luna had knitted herself. I guess that mirror thing is actually a window. “Go save your daughter. Luna is having a little too much fun.” Cozy started giggling when Luna started to lightly tickle her.

“Nah, I’ll just go on a stroll throughout the castle. Wanna join me? Cozy’s having a good time.”

“I suppose I could use one day off.” With that, we got up to go for that leisurely stroll around the castle.

Author's Note

Now Fruit can witness how fucking stupid Rainbow Dash is in Trade Ya!

Rainbow Dash is a Fan of Pony Trafficking
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Not So Funny Story

Rainbow Dash is a Fan of Pony Trafficking

Twilight and her friends were way, way too happy to see me. That is all I’ll say. “I’m so glad you’re going to be our body guard now! Oh! I cannot wait to throw a party for you and get you to meet Berry Punch! She’s a bit of a drinker, but I’m sure you two would get along! Oh you two will be the perfect couple and then I can throw a party for your pre-wedding, a party for your wedding, and… Oh so many parties!” Mostly Pinkie, like jesus fuck, this woman does not breath through her mouth or her nose. There is no fucking way because she’s been at it for the last five minutes without taking a moment to breathe.

“So… The trade exchange or whatever?” I asked. “Because of all the exciting and dangerous missions you six go on, it had to be at what is essentially a trading convention.” As Celestia said, she just wanted me to get out of Canterlot. But I don’t have to tell these six that, do I?

“Celestia did say you would mostly, and loosely, be guarding me. You didn’t bring any weapons, did you?” I shook my head. “Good. I don’t think we’ll need them, and…”

“You know, you’re a Princess now, and technically my boss. You could order me to not carry anything lethal; just the dart gun and some elephant tranquilizer. That won’t kill anyone… though it did knock that one changeling queen out for a week, so maybe tone it down to horse tranquilizer.” I hummed. “Hell, you could tell me to fuck off and I’d have to do it; you six are my bosses now since I’m your body guard… now.”

I sat down in my seat.

“I don’t know if I can fully trust you, you did threaten to beat the snot out of me to defend a criminal,” Rainbow was currently giving me the stink eye. I wasn’t looking at her, but I could tell she was.

“Sunset isn’t a threat, not anymore at least. Last I heard of her, she was happily heading off to Rainbow Falls from Manehattan just to peruse the trading booths. Honestly, Sunny’s more adorable than dangerous. Sure, she may be the most gifted unicorn aside from Twilight to ever exist, and is fully capable of burning your insides, but she wouldn’t want to do that. She wouldn’t do that to me at least; we’re pretty good friends if I do say so myself. It also didn’t help that you immediately tried to punch her in the jaw while going at the speed of sound, Rainbow. That can kill somebody, especially a unicorn who doesn’t have the strongest bone structure.”

“I… I almost killed her?”

“If Sunset didn’t throw that shield up, you woulda killed her. Like if my weakass hits can break somebody’s jaw, you, who is stronger than I am, hitting somebody at that speed? Yeah, you’ll kill somebody by doing that. You also decided to yell at and harass Sunset, who was very clearly upset and scared, for no reason afterwards. She wants to repent for her crimes, and I say she did by being kept in jail for a bit. Because in the end, all she did was steal a crown, nothing else. That is not punishable by death or verbal harassment, Rainbow. Leave the Law to those who actually know it.”

“She’s still-”

“Do I need to have this conversation again? I’m your bodyguard now, deal with it.”

“Fine…”

“Bitch.” Rainbow’s eye twitched. And at that moment, the train’s door opened up and Sunset Shimmer strolled in.

“Fruti! I knew I saw you walk onto the train!” Sunny then chose that time to scamper up to me, hop up into my booth, and hug me. “I haven’t seen you in weeks!” I chuckled and let her nuzzle into my cheek. “I…” She slowly turned to the other six mares in the train car. “Hey girls,” I saw her eyes wander up and down Twilight’s body. D’aw, somebody’s got a crush. “Hey Twilight,” you know, with how Twilight immediately draped a wing over Sunset the moment Sunny went to hug her… I just started chuckling behind a hoof.

“What, Fruit?” Twilight did this head tilt that everything pony-shape seems to do, and it’s really cute. Especially Twilight’s because her ears tend to flop a tiny bit. That’s definitely from either a calcium deficiency, or some divine being decided to just make Twilight look cute for the fuck of it.

“Twilight, wing hugs are very intimate for pegasi. Guess what you’re doing with Sunset.” Twilight looked down at Sunset Glimmer before shrugging, not removing the wing she had draped over the former villain. “Something tells me you two would be getting a lot more cuddly if you had a private train, Twi,” now both alicorn and unicorn were blushing slightly. I continued to chuckle while Rarity made a remark on how cute of a couple those two nerds would be. Most of the ponies on the car agreed with that remark.

Except Rainbow, I wonder why.

Sometime later on the train ride, Rainbow decided to sit in my booth, since Sunset was busy snoozing away with a certain purple alicorn, both of whom were drooling, and using the other as a pillow. Most of the Elements were napping, or talking to another element about what they hope to obtain at the Great Trade Exchange. I was busy having the misfortune of hearing Rainbow bragging about how she won’t need a bodyguard.

“I bet I could beat you in a fight!” Rainbow was now imitating a boxer. “I mean, you gave up during the Iron Pony competition for a reason.”

“Because Spike was gonna get tossed around like a ragdoll? Even if Spike says he can take it, I don’t feel comfortable with tossing around a literal baby. But… go ahead and punch me in the shoulder, and I’ll punch you in the shoulder.” Rainbow did that, it was quick, and it stung, and it wasn’t fun to get punched in the shoulder. I hummed and rolled the shoulder a couple of times. “Yeah, you hit hard, wanna see how hard I can hit?” The Dash gave me a smug little smile, and nodded. I drew my hoof back and got ready to sock her.

The amount of screaming Rainbow produced was priceless.

“What?” Everyone was staring at me. “She said it was okay!”

“So Rainbow bit a bit more than she could chew?” AJ asked.

“Yup. Oh shut up Rainbow, stop being a whiny bitch.” I chuckled. “So, AJ, you got any complaints about me being a bodyguard? I know that you’re probably the best fighter out of your friends purely because of how fucking strong you are.” AJ shook her head.

“Ah know my limits, Fruit. Ah also know you have more technical skill, because of your origins, is less likely to freeze up. Ah may not need a guard, but it would be nice to have somepony to help defend my friends when we have to fight our way through a crowd.” AJ chuckled while pointing at Rainbow. “And if anypony, especially a unicorn, can make Rainbow Dash do that, then Ah trust you as a bodyguard.” I nodded.

“Glad that somebody will be appreciating my services…” I smirked. “Especially when that somebody is pretty… Nah, not gonna make that joke. I think Chrysalis is watching me right now, and she will slap me if I call another mare hot.” Chrysalis then appeared for a moment through a window through time and space, glared at me, and then did the ‘I’m watching you’ gesture before going back to blowing raspberries into Cozy Glow’s belly.

When we got off the train, Twilight was immediately recognized by everyone around us, and decided to run ahead while covering her face with her wings. You know, it’s been a hot fucking minute since she became a Princess, you think you’d be used to it by now. But given how Twilight is also pretty bad at being social, her near lack of social interaction until she moved to Ponyville, and y’know, being a Princess immediately puts you on the highest pedestal possible. Yeah, okay, I fully get why being a Princess would still get Twilight flustered up.

Everyone went and split up to go trade and whatever. Twilight was a little busy with setting up her own stand, which was just a bunch of books from Sunbutt. “You know Fruit, I don’t think I’ll need you. I’m sure you’ll find something you want, so go enjoy yourself,” Twilight didn’t even take her eyes off the stand she was setting up. “Do… you even have anything to trade?” She turned to me. “At all? I’m sure by now that you’d have something you value by now.”

“Uh…” Damn. “Nope. I never really went shopping, never went out much unless I had work. I don’t have much of anything to my name.” I pulled out the pennies I have on me. “I have these which are apparently very high in value because of how rare bronze is, apparently, but other than my weapons? Nah. I never cared much for fashion, so I only have one suit, never bought any hats, nothing. Nothing that I could truly call mine…” I hummed. “Man, I lived a really shitty life until now.”

“Well, with those bronze coins, you can easily get whatever you want; bronze is very valuable. On top of that, that is currency from the mirror world, right?” I nodded. “Then that’s worth even more than just those coins being pieces of bronze. Go get yourself something you’d think you’d like to have.” I nodded.

With that, I started wandering around the area. Everything was going nice and smooth, I even found a few things that were kinda cool looking. One was a necklace with Celestia’s cutie mark as the pendant, a nice pocket watch, and even a bracelet or two. I tried to trade two pennies in for the necklace, and left with the necklace and left somepony with dollar marks in their eyes.

I ended up wearing that purely because it looked really cool. I managed to get a necklace for Chrysalis along with it, which was a simple, silver chain(silver wasn’t the most common thing in Equestria), with the Equestrian crest on it. I even traded a dollar for a nice teddy wolf. Needless to say, I was actually enjoying myself, and had something for my marefriend and foal. I happily kept parading around, looking for anything else I could possibly trade for.

At some point, I found Rainbow Dash at some booth that had a special edition, first print of the first Daring Do book. It looked pretty fancy, and it looked like Dash was about to… trade a two headed dog off for it. That’s cool, I guess. The lady running the booth had a nice, crystal ball that mostly just looked cool. I stopped and looked over the book Rainbow was trading for.

Yeah, that’s a rare copy of Daring Do. Dunno if it’s worth trading a two headed dog for. Now, I was gonna ignore Rainbow, but… “Rainbow,” the cyan pegasus stopped. “Did you just trade Fluttershy and a two headed dog off for a fucking book?” Rainbow nodded. “Rainbow Dash, you just sold your friend off.” She nodded again. “For a book.” I hit my head on the booth. “Rainbow, you are hella fucking stupid.”

I walked over to the two headed dog. “Heel boy!” The dog trotted over and sat at my heels. “So like, you don’t need Fluttershy to train this thing.”

“Well, you aren’t a part of this trade, are you?”

“I’m not…” I hummed. “But selling a person would basically pass as slavery. I wonder how legal that is.” I turned to Rainbow. “Go get Twilight and get this trade annulled. Your stupidass book ain’t worth Fluttershy.” I turned to the two headed dog that was sniffing my ass. “Stop that!” In an instant, the dog stopped and sat down. It looked a tiny bit guilty.” Luckily, Rainbow had enough of a brain to follow my order and went to get Twilight.

Rainbow, I genuinely wonder if your mane is rainbow colored because she ate crayons when she was four.

“Say…” The bitch who, now, legally owns Fluttershy spoke up. “I would trade this lady for you; you’re doing a good job of training it.” I blinked a couple times.

“...This thing is literally just a dog with two heads. It’s not that hard.” I sighed. “And no, I’m not trading myself in for a trade that’s gonna get canceled. Deadass, this whole situation is bumfuck retarded.” I snorted.

“How did you train the orthros so easily?” The same bitch asked.

“By not being a fucking pussy, is how. It’s literally a dog. Just grow a pair, or stop being a cunt, and all you gotta do is show some authority to it. Be a bit more forceful with your- aight fuck it, this advice won’t matter soon anyways. Go shove your head further up your ass or something, I don’t fucking care. Where the god, damn, motherfucking, purple bitch with wings and a horn at?”

five minutes later

Luckily, the trade did get annulled, and I managed to go home keeping everything I traded for. Because I used my brain and traded for shit I actually wanted for. Well, we had to sit through the train ride back home. Sunset joined us again shortly after the bullshit Rainbow put me through, having been happy to just explore the trading area, looking at all the stuff she might’ve wanted, but had nothing to trade for.

Nobody got to trade for anything they wanted except for Spike. “So, Rainbow, did you like to eat crayons when you were a little filly?” I asked.

“No… Why?”

“I was just curious; you don’t think before you do shit. You almost traded off your best friend for a fuckin’ book.”

“Hey! I learnt my lesson!”

“A lesson that never… Fuck it. You learnt and grew as a person!” I facehoofed. “I swear to fucking god if this is how the rest of my life is gonna go, at least I’ll be entertained.”

“Who’s God?” Twilight asked.

“He’s dead to me.”

“But who’s God?”

“I dunno.”

Twilight sighed, before handing Rainbow an old, paperback copy of the same Daring Do book she nearly traded Fluttershy away for.

So me and Sunset ended up in the same booth, alone. Now this could end up with me and Sunset doing some naughty stuff together, or I could tell her the news about Celestia. I think I’ll tell Sunset about Celestia instead. Besides, I think Chrysalis would gut me if I tried to do anything with another mare, and fairly so. “So Sunset, you know how Princess Celestia is borderline insane?” Sunset nodded.

“Yeah, she mindwiped her niece at one point, right?”

“Yeah. it was pretty fucked up. You know what’s even more fucked up?” Sunset tilted her head. “What is with Celestia choosing mares that give the most adorable little head tilts?” I chuckled. “But anyways, it turns out some changeling bitch kidnapped and impersonated Celestia. Chrysalis set up a trap that only works on changelings, it trapped the changeling bitch, and we found Celestia stuffed into a cocoon, and she came out fairly sleep deprived.” Sunny tilted her head again. “Anyways, long story short, Celestia is not mentally insane, and is actually still pretty sweet.”

“As in?”

“I went to her and had an improv therapy session; it’s how I am now guarding these dumbasses,” I pointed a hoof at Rainbow Dash, who was sleeping in the pile of people who would be main characters in a kid’s cartoon. “She figured I could use something to do, and following these guys around could help me with finding something I should be in life. And… we had that therapy session while she was basically treating me like her child, keeping me tucked under a wing while I told her about my problems.”

“...That sounds like the Celestia I know; she used to do that with me when I was a filly and we would have late night studying sessions, Celestia would more or less treat me like I was her foal. It was… quite nice, all things told. Especially since my actual parents didn’t really care for me; Celestia really was the only mother I properly knew.” Sunset sighed. I raised an eyebrow and nuzzled her. “Fruit, if-”

“I can just get you and Celestia hanging out again. She’s like your Mom, right?” Sunset nodded. “Yeah, okay. I’m gonna get you hooked up; stay on the train until we get to Canterlot. By the end of the day, you and Celestia will be reading a book together by the fireplace like old times.”

“You… Are you certain that Celestia is back to normal? That she was never insane?”

“Nope. But after she was freed, she straight up told me what my punishment would have been for killing somebody in self defense. Hell, she’s been friendlier than she was when the changeling queen was impersonating her. Celestia’s been… actually considerate of my feelings and emotions. So I can at least assume that Celestia isn’t actually a sociopath, and I can actually read her now; I could not do that with that changeling queen. Like Celestia’s good, but reading her body language isn’t that hard… Hey Spike, you awake?” Spike looked up from his comic book. “Can you send a letter to Celestia that basically goes ‘yo, Sunset wants to read a Daring Do book with you by the fireplace because she misses you’?” Spike nodded, pulled out paper, and quickly wrote that down.

“And done!” The scroll was lit on fire, and the smoke zipped off towards what I assume was Canterlot.

“Uh…” Sunset smiled slightly. “Well, it would be nice to read something stupid with my favorite teacher. I just hope she’ll forgive me for what I’ve done.”

“She probably would forgive you; you are basically her foal. Also, Celestia is insanely forgiving. Nothing shy of literally ripping her heart out will stop her from forgiving somebody.” I chuckled. “I’m gonna go ahead and take a nap. Rainbow broke my brain today.”

“What… Did she do this time?”

“Nearly sold Fluttershy away.” Sunset blinked. “For a special print of Daring Do.”

Sunset started laughing her ass off much to a sleepy Rainbow Dash’s confusion.

The Equestrian Games are Awful
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Not So Funny Story

The Equestrian Games are Awful

So, the Equestrian Games, towns and cities from all over the country meet up in a chosen location to kick each other’s ass in a blood battle for dominance. And this year, the changeling hive would be competing… We’ll skin everyone alive. Men, women, not the children though. That’s fucked up. But nah, all of that was a dirty little lie, because I’m a dirty little liar. No, the Equestrian Games were like a more yearly version of the Olympics. Changelings, despite being allies of Equestria, weren’t allowed to compete for some reason. Which is actually bullshit since Chrysalis and I had to make an appearance anyways to support our more mammalian allies.

And because the Elements were going, with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy actually attending, I couldn’t even be in the same traincar as Chrysalis. She had to go with Celestia and Luna, while I had to ride with the Ponyville team. Everyone was busy practicing, training, whatever. Rainbow was giving everyone a pep-talk before downplaying how she and the other pegasi will do against a literal, trained flight team of pegasi from Cloudsdale. Of course, for some fucking reason, I had invites to compete from Canterlot and even Ponyville.

Why? I dunno. I get the invites from Canterlot; I was apparently semi-well known in that snobbish hellhole. As for Ponyville’s invite? Yeah, no fucking clue. I don’t even think I an legally a citizen of Ponyville.

“So Fruit, you actually wanna compete with us?” Rainbow poked me in the chest. “I know-”

“Don't the games literally disable magic of unicorns? I don’t think I can compete very well without augmenting myself with spells. Sure, I can spar with an earth pony without magic for some amount of time, but I sure as hell ain’t outracing one. I’m here as your friends’ guard, not to compete.” I sighed. “Least Cozy Glow chose to travel with me,” the filly in question was currently sleeping on my back, looking completely adorable and snuggleable. “Why the fuck did I even get an invite to compete for Ponyville? Like what kinda logic-”

“I… May or may not have gotten somepony to get you citizenship into Ponyville, and everypony knows how tough you are for a unicorn.” I blinked a couple of times. How… “I may have also forged a couple signatures, including yours.” I sighed and looked over at my daughter.

“If my daughter didn’t need a good role model, I would firstly slap you in the face, and then go get drunk.” I facehoofed. “So you managed to work your way through a bunch of legal hoops, and forge my signature… Just to get me to compete in the Equestrian games?” But you fucking thought committing pony trafficking was a good idea. And didn’t think that you were trafficking your fucking best friend?

“Yeah. Is that bad?” You know, considering this woman tried to sell her friend off for a book, I’m not surprised. “Fruit?”

“Hey Dad, what’s-” Cozy yawned.”-going on?”

“Daddy’s trying not to be a bad influence on you; don’t visit Ponyville, dear. The ladies there are crazy.”

“So are you.”

“...This lady here,” I booped Rainbow on the nose. “Tried to sell her friend a book.”

Cozy blinked a couple of times. “But didn’t you tell me that a good friend is worth more than all the money in the world?”

“I did.” Cozy slowly turned to Rainbow, who was just looking confused.

“You’re a dumb nutjob, Rainbow Dash.” Rainbow blinked a couple more times. “It’s a saying from Dad’s old universe. It mean’s you’re bucking crazy… And stupid.” Rainbow started stammering to defend herself. Cozy just giggled and Rainbow’s display, and then she started trying to get away from me the very moment I started blowing raspberries into her neck. “Dad! I will- s-stop! That tickles!” Cozy’s laughing could heal cancer, I swear to god, it’s so cute. When I stopped, Cozy was wheezing, laying her head on my shoulder, while my tail covered her up. It was then that the two of us chose to take a nap. I curled around my little girl, and held her close.

When we got to the Crystal Empire, I hummed, now that it wasn’t being ruled by Pony Hitler, it looked kinda nice. I then remembered that last time I was here, I went to another dimension and shot somebody with elephant tranquilliser. Like it was sparkly, the ponies were made of shining rocks, and those ponies were actually happy and not borderline depressed. It’s… pretty cool I guess. Canterlot looks grander, but the Crystal Empire is neat. Not really, I don’t like how far north this fucking place is, because it’s only a measily near the north god damn pole! On the brightside, the Crystal Heart keeps the place warm, so moving here wouldn’t be too bad. I would rather build a cabin out in the middle of nowhere and simply relax, but Chryssy has a Hive to rule.

Spike got swiped by a couple of guards for some reason.

Lucky me, I have to sit by Twilight Sparkle during the event. At least I’ll be close to Chrysalis, which means we can at least cuddle while we watch athletes beat the shit out of each other. For now though, I had to make sure the Elements got to their hotel room, and then to the stadium. Wait no, for some fucking reason, some crystal guards came over and started kidnapping me too; probably because I am public enemy number one. Within a few moments, I was laying on the ground, dazed, and wondering if pineapple on pizza was a sin or not. “Hello Fruit!” Oh, that’s Twilight. Forgot she left before everyone else did to do the Princess Stuff.

Somehow Cozy remained on my back, and was still fast asleep. How? Imagination!

So it turns out, Spike is a national hero, and he gets to light the torch that starts the Equestrian games. “You know,” I groaned. “I get why you need Spike, but why am I here? Am I to act as his steed or something?” Spike got to lay on a couch and eat gems like they were grapes. How the fuck he did that without slicing some internal organ that’s incredibly vital to him being alive was beyond me. I, on the other hoof, got to sit on my arse, next to Cadance and Twilight. “And where the hell is my fiance? Like I don’t really give a shit about the Equestrian games; I’m just here because I have to, and my Chryssy is supposed to watch over them games with the rest of you Princesses.”

“Well, Fruit, you were our second option for lighting the torch if Spike said no. It would also be easier for you to guard Twilight if you were brought to where she was the whole time,” Cadence hummed. “And for Chrysalis, she’s already in the stadium. Though I must ask, I know you’re not even a pony, but would it kill you to partake in the games? Or even take a chance to care about them? You’d do excellently in them, and it would make Chrysalis happy; she apparently likes watching your flanks as you kick stuff.”

“...You guys really want me in the games when I have done zero training?”

“Yup!”

“Can I see Chrysalis before the games?”

“Nope!” Fuck you too, Cadance. “So, will you compete in the Equestrian Games? I bet your daughter would love to see her dad compete in a national sport!” We all turned to my daughter, who was busying herself with a coloring book. Given how she’s about twelve years old, the fact that she wanted to do that was completely adorable. However, once her name was said, she looked up before shrugging.

“It would be nice, and if Dad wins, he gets a cool medal, and I get to brag about having a Dad who’s a national athlete.” I blinked a couple of times. Cozy turned to me. “Would you, pretty please?” And incomes the puppy eyes. I sighed, hating the fact that my daughter can simply be cute and get me to do whatever the fuck she wants. And she knows that. She knows my weakness is her adorable little face.

“If I win a medal, you’re letting Chrysalis’s Hive compete next year; the fact that y’all excluded our Hive was bullshit. Then I’ll compete for the Hive from then on out… I guess I’ll compete for Ponyville this year.”

“Sounds fair to me.”

So it turns out that there weren’t even other unicorns competing in this shit; they aren’t physically strong or tough. Just earth ponies and pegasi. I was given some shit that made my magic not work, and I was standing with Ponyville on the field. There were approximately seven different games for the whole event, and the first one was a wrestling contest. Now, because everyone hates me, I was Ponyville’s representation for this, and three other games. Track, disc throwing, and volleyball. Because some horses have wings, the track had two parts, one for winged ponies, and one for non-winged unicorns. Each one could get you a medal of gold, silver, or bronze depending on the place you got. Surprisingly, gold was the worst medal you could get, but with how gold was basically worthless, that made sense.

Bronze was the best medal you could get. Silver was second best.

So I walked up to the little circle for wrestling, it was a tournament style that would last the whole day. At the end of every round, every contestant is rejuvenated with magical pills. Also if you lose, you’re placed into a loser’s bracket. I sighed, I was in the first fucking round. I glanced up into the stands, choosing not to focus on my opponent. Chrysalis and Cozy were sitting together waving, Chrysalis managed to somehow get ahold of a cheerleading outfit despite her sitting next to the Princesses.

Oh, that’s my opponent, just a brown an earth pony that’s twice the size of me. I hate being a midget. “Just to ensure there is no foul play,” the referee walked over and placed a ring on my horn. “You will be wearing this ring, Fruit Punch. Good luck. You’ve got quite the crowd cheering for you, particularly, the unicorns.” Oh cool, no pressure at all. The ref walked back to where he was supposed to stand. “First pony to pin the other down, or to be tossed out of the ring loses. Nopony is allowed to bite or seriously maim their opponent, am I clear?”

“Yup!” me and my opponent said that at the same time. Okay, so on one hand, this guy is fucking huge. On the other hand, Pharynx could probably kick this guy’s ass seven ways to sunday. And I can contend with Pharynx. So clearly that works out, right? Haha, no. Once we were told the match started, my brain broke, and I was entirely relying on muscle memory. My opponent and I started circling each other, surprisingly my opponent made no feints or anything. Hmmm, so he’s a prey animal at heart. I’m not though...

I made a faux lunge, and the stallion jumped and got ready to counter, only to be surprised when I didn’t advance any further. Yeah, okay. I see. This guy’s easy to trigger. I lunged again, but once again, I didn’t actually run in. Again, my opponent jumped and was ready to counter. So I ran in, and got ready to leap. Of course, the smart thing for this guy would be to meet me in the air and beat me by simply being heavier. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t jump, instead I spun around, and bucked the fucker in the chest while he was in the air.

He flew out of the ring. Boom, zero exertion. “That’s cheating!” My opponent shouted, still lying on the ground.

“Did I break a rib?” my foe shook his head. “Did I bite you?” He shook his head. “Is kicking a dude in the chest not allowed?”

“It’s allowed…” the ref hummed. “Never thought I’d see a unicorn beat an earth pony in a wrestling match, but I suppose there’s a time for everything. Fruit Punch advances to the next round!” The crowd fucking exploded with cheers and whistles, even a slide whistle or two. I trotted back to my group, and simply sat down. I hummed, taking a swig of water, before sighing… Where the hell did that group of changelings come from… they’re all wearing cheerleading outfits and waving banners with my face on it. I couldn’t help but smile when I noticed that my own guards were leading the group of changelings.

Holy fuck, Pharynx was in the crowd, eying me, and giving me a toothy grin.

“That was totally awesome, Fruit!” Rainbow hugged me and started nuzzling into my cheek. “The way you absolutely destroyed him was awesome. Though you had three perfect opportunities to pounce at him, you took all three, but never actually took any of those chances! What the heck was with that?”

“I’m gonna say it now; if I ran in like an idiot, I woulda got my shit rocked. That was an earth pony, and judging from that,” I nodded towards the ring where a pegasus got her ass handed to her by an earth pony. “An earth pony is like a juggernaut. Strong, heavy, and hard to move. I was being smart and worked him into a position where muscle doesn't mean shit; which is when you’re on your hindlegs and have basically no balance because of it.” I hummed again. “Plus those whenever it looked like I was gonna go in, that was me testing the water.”

“Why though? You could totally kick anypony’s butt in seconds!”

“I wanted to see how easy it is to scare somebody in a situation like that, where they have to fight. Judging from how you reacted, either you’re inexperienced with fighting, or ponies aren’t used to faking out their opponents.” Oh cool, a pegasus just used their wings on an earth pony and it was allowed. Yet I can’t use magic to at least enhance my kicks. Yeah, that bit about magic makes sense, but why can somebody use their wings? “I’m up next I guess.”

Four magical pills, four idiots I put in a wheelchair later, and I was facing a pegasus. “I bet I can get you out of the ring before you can blink,” the pegasus taunted.

“Sure, just allow me a moment after the match starts. You’ll see why.” The pegasus had an ego the size of Rainbow’s, and then some because when the match started, he just stood there. “So, do you wanna hear about your lord and savior, Jesus Christ?” The pegasus cocked her head to the side. “So like, he’s this guy who can walk on water, and he can also swim on land. He loves you and-” the pegasus probably had enough of hearing what I was saying, which was fair. I pulled that shit out of my ass. I just wanted to piss him off. Anyways, I ducked when the pegasus charged at me, and he flew right into a wall of the stadium and was knocked the fuck out. “You just sent yourself to Jesus, so you’ll learn about our lord and saviour from the source.”

“...Fruit Punch of Ponyville wins and moves onto the finals?” The entire stadium was laughing at the pegasus that quite literally fucked around and found out what running into a wall does to you. The pegasus was dragged away on a medical bed. I trotted out, and Pharynx actually jumped out of the stands to meet me. Of course, guards tried to stop him, but they were slow as fuck(and incompetent), and Pharynx wasn’t slow as fuck.

“Fruit, that is fucking funny! What the hay were you talking about?”

“I dunno. I think those magic pills have some weed in them; I feel high off my ass and I don’t know what the fuck just spewed out of my mouth. I just wanted him mad, and I guess the idea of God and Anime pissed him off.” Pharynx blinked. “It’s a human thing, don’t worry bud. It was kinda funny, kinda not funny, kinda funny and not funny. I already got my single gold medal if I lose; I’m guaranteed at least third place.”

“You best win. It’ll look good on me, as your teacher, and it’ll make the Queen absurdly happy to see you win a bronze. If you lose, I will get Thorax, and he will be used for guilt-tripping you into competing again next year for a bronze medal.” Fuck you, Pharynx. He could sense what I was feeling. “Yes, how dare I use my adorable, little brother to make you do what I want. You did that to yourself by the way; finding us ‘lings adorable.” I groaned. By the way, Thorax was in the crowd, next to where Pharynx was sitting, with a giddy grin on his face.

God dammit, why is everything in this fucking universe so cute?

Spoiler alert, I had a bronze medal, the highest tier you can get, for wrestling and I was tired as fuck. Because unlike the last few rounds, my opponent knocked a fucking tooth or three out of my mouth and everything hurts. I did end up hitting that earth pony so hard that he could see stars during the daylight though, so that’s fun. He got knocked the fuck out. Needless to say, I was actually enjoying myself, if I ignored the pain. I was just lying on the bench, trying not to scream in pain.

The next few days of the Equestrian games were unimportant, aside from Spike trying to sing before medals were given out during the baton pass, I got my ass kicked in running track, and got fucked up in the other sport, won a silver medal by kicking a disc across a field, and then caught a volleyball in the face. Like it hit me so hard that it almost broke my nose. Then again, I’m a pussy, and also unicorns are very frail. Me being a pussy and a unicorn definitely didn’t help when I got fucked up by that volleyball.

You know, having balls flying into your mouth should be way more fun.

So I was just sitting on the bench, with everyone else, watching ponies shoot arrows at targets with ice arrows. I think Rainbow Dash was a tiny bit concerned about Cloudsdale, for some fucking reason. Even though when she pointed out I was fighting a pony from Cloudsdale during the wrestling match, and to be careful, I kicked their ass so hard that it was apparently the quickest knockout in Equestrian history. Of course, because nothing is allowed to be nice and happy, some idiot fucked up shooting their bow, and managed to hit a massive rain cloud. I watched, realizing that yes, I was going to die, and being okay with that.

My nose hurt so much that I would rather not be alive. Then again, if I weren’t alive, no Chryssy time, and no Cozy Glow to cuddle and snuggle. Also they would be really, really sad and depressed if I died. So maybe dying isn’t so okay anymore. I closed my eyes and got ready for impact, until some bright light managed to breach my eyelids. I opened them, expecting to see god, who will send me to hell without hesitation, before realizing I’m still living in the shithole known as the land of the living. Spike just evaporated the giant ice cloud, and now it’s raining on me. Great, now my fur is wet. Oh well; once my magic is working again, I can just warm myself up so much that it dries me off.

I sighed and rolled off the bench, because I guess that happened during the last event and it was time to give the Equestrian Games a proper send off.

While the national anthem played, everypony put a hoof to their heart, and happily sang along. I blinked a couple times, thinking it's about time I got drunk off my ass, and then realized I had a child to take care of. And that that child was flying towards me at terminal speeds, and was now hugging my neck so god damn tightly that it was hard to breathe. “That was awesome Dad!”

“The part where I gave up on life, or me getting my shit kicked in, in half the games I participated in?”

“Oh be quiet; you fought like a pro during wrestling and did really good during the disc toss! You’ll compete next year, right?”

“...Only if the changelings can partake in the games. My face hurts.” Also my leg, that hurt too, but mainly my face.

On the train, Rainbow was bragging about her medal, which was cool. She had a whole single medal, which was a silver one. I was sitting with two; the silver and bronze medals from disk tossing and wrestling respectively. She was bragging about her medal to literally everyone, and eventually was sitting next to me, bragging about her stupidass shit. I was just laying my head on the back of the chair I was sitting in, Cozy Glow and Chrysalis were able to actually join me, and I was sitting by them.

“Yes Rainbow, your performance during the Equestrian Games was insane. You are the stuff of legend, and is super cool,” I droned as Rainbow did not shut the fuck up.

“You know, Rainbow Dash, your medal is quite nice,” Chrysalis hummed; she was analyzing Cozy Glow’s mane, as it got a bit tangled after she also got rained on. “But I believe you are celebrating a bit too much; Pinkie Pie is sure to throw you a nice party for how well you did during the games.” She hummed. “So it would do you some good to calm down and wait to brag until you are home.” Ah, the nice way of telling somebody to shut the fuck up.

“Yeah, you’re right. But Fruit, you are an actual monster while wrestling! I didn’t expect you to be so darn good!”

“...Didn’t you watch me wrestle my way through several, trained guards? I may be physically weak without magic, but I got the brain of a predator; I know how to fight something should the need arise.”

“Yeah, but your style is so unorthodox, with all those feints, counters, just everything!”

“It helps that my second in command has been teaching Fruit how to fight; I say a few changeling moves mixed into Fruit’s very systematic fighting style during his matches. Though, I am shocked; you seem interested in my fiance’s victories, more so than your own.”

“Well duh, I wanna be able to fight like that. I may be the coolest, toughest mare around, but I only really have speed and strength while fighting. Sure, the training hoof to hoof Celestia had me go through was nice, but if Fruit really wanted to, he could probably beat me or any of my friends in a fight… Wait, you say systematic fighting?” Rainbow asked.

“Of course. Fruit’s style mainly consisted of him testing his opponent’s reflexes before going in. I can easily counter his offense due to how predictable it is; Fruit’s just quick and efficient enough that he can still give me a rough time in doing so.”

“And then you kick my shit in anyways,” I groaned. “God, my nose still feels like you kicked it really hard…” Chrysalis kissed it. “That’s better,” I rolled my eyes.

“Fruit, can you teach me how to fight?” Rainbow asked.

You know, that is a tempting offer and teaching sure is fun-

“Fuck no.”

Author's Note

next chapter, tirek will exist. he might fuck around and find out what a shotgun in the mouth can do

Don’t Fuck Around and Find Out, Tirek
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Not So Funny Story

Don’t Fuck Around and Find Out, Tirek

So, there is a delegation going on in the Crystal Empire, what it is for, I dunno. Chrysalis had to show up, and went in ahead of me, taking Cozy with her this time as ‘it’s my turn with the adorable little filly’. Of Course, Cozy was all too willing to spend more time with her Mom, so that left me on the train with the Elements; I’m supposed to guard them again. Man am I having fun; so far my job’s been uneventful, which is a good thing. The bad thing is, Rainbow Dash will not leave me alone. Either she likes me, or wants to test how physically able I am, or she is just retarded, and I doubt that my one bronze medal in wrestling earth ponies and pegasi did anything to curve her bullshit around me.

“Please, please tell-”

I felt like burping for some reason, and I did, it felt awful and kinda hurt. God what the fuck did I burp up? My kidney? No, it was a message. An excuse to ignore Rainbow Dash! Man, it’s like that green shirt wearing dude and a blue dog! I got a letter! I got a letter! I wonder who it's from! It’s from Sunset Shimmer; she somehow knows I’m going to the Crystal Empire and is actually in a hotel. Cool, that was something to look forward to. Now, because we were going to the Crystal Empire, with a random delegation that I couldn’t be bothered to remember, so what do you pack your suitcase with?

Because I packed the shotgun and a dart gun. I’ve a feeling that I might need one of those.

Also, don’t ask how the fuck I learnt how to magically burp up spells, because Chrysalis simply did something to me while I was asleep, and now I can receive mail via magic. She didn’t tell me what she did,

Eventually Rainbow did leave me alone, and Twilight came and filled her place. She looked kinda… sad. Lost even. “I don’t even know why I am heading up to this delegation; I’m just going to smile, wave, and probably unveil a banner or something. I’ve yet to do anything truly… important in regards to my role as a Princess,” Twilight sighed. “How do you do it? You’re the basically king of the Hive you and Chrysalis share at this point, and an Equestrian Prince because of what Chrysalis is to Equestria. Don’t you have a lot of responsibilities?”

“I don’t have a lot of responsibilities, Twilight. I mostly just take care of Cozy Glow and live my life. Granted, it does suck that I don’t have an actual job, and nowhere will hire me. This is my job now, though. I think you’re feeling a bit of an existential crisis; you don’t know if what you’ve been doing up until now is really worth a shit. You’ve saved this country more times than you can count on a human hand, you become a Princess, and then basically nothing changes. What does change is that you end up having to go to more official, royal meetings and whatnot, and then only ‘smile and wave’. You don’t even rule over anything, do you?” Twilight shook her head.

“I just… want to actually be a Princess, I have my wings, I wear a crown, but it feels like they don’t mean anything at all!” I tapped my chin a couple of times.

“Man, ain’t what you’re feeling is a real bitch,” Twilight glared at me. “What?”

“That isn’t a word,” I chuckled. “Neither is the ‘word’ aren’t.” Like Student like Teacher I guess.

“But it still fucking sucks. I think I’ve been having a bit of a crisis even now, especially after coming to Equestria. I came here for a purpose, but the thing marking my ‘destiny’ doesn’t seem to mean shit. I’m marrying Chrysalis soon, and I have a lovely daughter, but even now, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t feel… whole, like you do right now. My only advice right now is to keep pushing forward, even when it seems like your life isn’t amounting to anything, get up and face the day with a smile. Things will get better eventually, bud,” I wrapped an arm around Twilight. She wasn’t looking down like she was earlier; she wasn’t as upset about it at least.

And there goes all my fucking progress on making Twilight feel a little bit better. I think Celestia knows how Twilight’s feeling, but chose to let her come towards the end of the delegation and unveil another motherfucking banner. Yeah, ain’t that a good way to make your student, who worked her fucking ass off to get to where she is, feel like she’s earned her worth. I get that maybe, just maybe, Celestia is trying to ease Twilight into being a Princess, but I think Twilight’s the type of pony to flourish in with all the responsibility to come with being a Princess.

So now we were all standing on a balcony, watching Twilight continue in her existential crisis. It… kinda sucked, y’know? Sure, I might not be the closest friend that Twilight has, but I’ve seen what she’s usually like, what she was like before the wings and crown. She was happy; no expectations of being a Princess, she just hung around her friends and wrote letters about what she learnt with them. Sure, being the Princess of Friendship seems dumb, it is, but then it’s making the poor mare feel… Inadequate.

Of course, everyone that wasn’t me, or Chrysalis, decided to sing. Twilight sang of her feelings of worthlessness, while the rest of the Princesses sang words of encouragement. Occasionally Celestia would glance at me and Chrysalis, probably expecting us to throw in a verse or two, but Chrysalis melted into the floor, and probably ended up in our bedroom. I simply chuckled, before proceeding to bash my head into the side of the wall to knock me out. It didn’t work, but boy oh boy did I sing about how my head hurts.

No, I just lied on my side while everyone sang, having a headache and groaning silently so I wouldn't ruin Twilight’s little moment.

Sometime before everyone went to sleep for the evening, I decided it would be a good idea to go visit Sunset Shimmer. She was in the area, I knew which hotel she was staying at; she told me in her letter after all. So I left the palace for a bit to invite Sunset to dinner. It was really just me taking her to the castle’s kitchens and raiding the food pantry in order to make a pizza, but I just wanted to hang out with her. She was fucking adorable most of the time, even if she can murder me and squish me into paste because of how strong she is with magic. Almost at Twilight’s level before the alicornation. Which was already leagues above what I am capable of in terms of raw strength and then technical ability.

So I knocked on Sunset’s door a couple of times, to find that yes, she was inside and wide awake. From the looks of things, I think she’s still kinda used to her sleep schedule as a teenage girl in the mirror world. As in stay up, sleep in late; or just her teenage-girl-on-the-weekend schedule because she’s just as chipper as she usually is. “Hey Fruit! How’s your day going?”

“It’s… ten at night,” I shrugged. “Anyways, I’m feeling good right now. How are you feeling about a slice of pizza?” Sunset’s ears perked up. “I’ll go ahead and take that as a yes.”

“Of course! I love Equestrian pizza, but once you get human pizza… oh, oh my god it doesn’t even compare anymore! Then you happen to be good at cooking human pizza!” Sunset nuzzled up beside me. “I have been promised pizza and I want it now!” Ah, just like a teenager, a grown up teenager that is still somehow very adorable.

The two of us managed to make it to the kitchen, where we then proceeded to make a nice, plain cheese pizza. It was a wonderful night until I had to go on guard duty for some fucking reason. Hell, Shining Armor stopped by and tried to get a slice, only to watch as Sunset then ate the remaining bits of pizza… How? Horses, their stomachs are huge. Mares, their stomachs are black holes. Alicorns, their stomachs are endless voids. Anyways, Shining Armor was super happy about that, so he dragged me off to go guard Celestia’s room for some fucking reason.

In the middle of the night, I was standing guard, because I guess since I’m a bodyguard, I am also just a Royal Guard. Great. Glad. Glad I got told that four weeks ago. I had to guard Celestia’s room for some reason, because a pony that can break my neck in a heartbeat needs protecting. Especially when I have a fiance and a filly I wanna snuggle up with, and sleep with. The guard next to me was beginning to get just a tad bit drowsy; I had a spell that keeps me awake and vigorous. It fucks you up if you use it too often, but for one off things like this, it’s a good replacement for coffee.

I just hate coffee.

A scream from the other side of the door fully brought my fellow guard to the land of the living, and I already bucked my way through the door. “Is everything-“

The door slammed open behind me, good thing I was right behind the door, because now I knew what it is like to be a pancake. It’s quite painful, but with enough time, I think I can come to enjoy being a pancake. It’s a vibe, and quite nice… Oh hey, I hear Luna talking about some shit. I couldn’t hear what it was; I was busy being one with the wall. I have a feeling it’s important though, because Celestia immediately said to get Chryssy and the other princesses. I kept being one with the wall, as I was actually partially buried into it.

It was probably pretty urgent since both of them randomly woke up in the middle of the night after Luna had supposedly turned her sleep schedule around for the delegation. Again, I couldn’t care that much; I was stuck in the wall. So as soon as the two walked out, Celestia quickly noticed that I was there, and magically tugged me out with her to whatever the fuck meeting we’re going to. Of course, I felt wonderful…

I think I broke a rib or two. Other than that, feeling great and vigorous… I need a doctor.

I did not get that doctor. Instead, I got to stand tall next to Chrysalis in a really, shitty meeting room with the rest of the Princesses while they talked about some fucker named Tirek. It turns out he’s a real douche bag, and is a megalomaniac. Tirek also wants to put the princesses in Tartarus, take over the world, and essentially rule with an iron fist. I drank it all in, humming, and thinking of all the ways to murder him. Twilight Sparkle was hoping to track Tirek down and bring an end to his psychoticness. Cadence even suggested her.

“I have already decided to send Discord after him,” wat?

Suddenly a snake, goat, moose, dragon thing appeared outta nowhere. He had a lion paw too, that’s cool. “Hello!” Discord winked at me. “Once this whole ordeal is over, we’ll chat, my little chaotic ape. For now, I have a centaur to catch… or is it a minotaur? I always get them mixed up… Oh well!” I blinked a couple of times as he pulled out human art of both of those things. “Toodaloo!” His voice echoed as he disappeared into the middle of Fucking I don’t Know Where. I slowly turned to Celestia, before sighing. That fucker basically means we all die; it’s Discord, the thing that fucked the world up a couple of times… He’s gonna team up with Tirek. I just know he will.

Of course, when I voiced my opposition to the idea, I was shushed by the Princess and told her reasoning.

Oh yeah, Twilight definitely took the decision very well, because she’s staring at her hooves again. “Hey Celestia,” I summoned my shotgun. “Why not sick me or Twilight on Tirek? I have a gun, and Twilight’s got some of the strongest magic ponykind has ever seen. Either of us could kill him; Tirek has some magical resistance, right?”

“He does, in fact, he can eat magic.”

“Cool. I can just shoot him in the face with a shotgun; it takes no magic.” Celestia grabbed my shotgun out of my magic with her own and started eying it. “Celestia, do not fucking point that at your face!” I hopped away from Chrysalis and snagged it. “You’re god damn lucky that I don’t keep this fucker loaded, like jesus. If you accidentally fucked around, you woulda had your head’s insides decorating the backwall over there, you dingus. I don’t give a shit who you are; you aren’t surviving a shotgun to the face.”

“I should confiscate this if it is as dangerous as you claim it is,” Celestia hummed. Before she could though, I magicked it away “But you and Twilight are not going. You simply cannot take on Tirek, and I already have Discord hunting Tirek down. After all, Discord is quite powerful, and can easily take Tirek down.”

What a fucking surprise, Discord fucking betrayed us. Wow, who woulda saw that coming? I certainly fucking didn’t. I sat in my old home in Canterlot, as a sort of safety precaution, a retarded one since the Hive was very well protected; that’s where Cozy was. I just read the news, because Celestia sent me a scroll, and I was just beating my head into the table. I just don’t- this shit was so god damn predictable! Ah yes, Princess fucking Retardlestia, send the literal embodiment of Chaos towards what is essentially satanic Adolf Hitler! That won’t end poorly she said! Everything will be fine, she said!

It’s not fucking fine. You blond, stupid, fucking horse.

Yeah, also he won’t fucking betray us, you say. God damn, I want to get some beer.

Okay yeah, fuck it. I grabbed my shotgun, the dart gun, and several doses of elephant tranquilizer. I put on some very, very basic leather armor, a single shotgun shell, and mentally prepared myself for what might happen if I failed. Now, the Hive was entirely shut down, nothing gets in, nothing gets out, so going to Chrysalis for some help isn’t an option. Getting back up was not an option; cities and towns were falling left, right, front, and center. Celestia said I just had to stay in my old home, and not the Hive, so I was free to do whatever. Good, because Chrysalis would not let me leave if she found out I was going to put a motherfucker six feet under.

I kicked my door open, not even bothering to close it, and started heading to the castle. I started going down the street, and kept going until I managed to sneak my way into the castle.

I found a hidey-holy in the throne room. Now the only thing I needed to do was wait- what the fuck are the Princesses doing? They’re… Giving all their magic to Twilight Sparkle. Well, that’s at least smart, I guess. Funneling all your fucking fuel into one source instead of spreading yourselves across the world, but I suppose, if alicorns are fucking strong as hell, then I suppose just Tirek getting one of the Princesses would spell doom for everyone. I silently watched as Twilight was sent home, and… God damn, I have never seen Celestia or Luna so god damn weakened. I guess that’s what happens when most of your body runs on magic.

Once it’s gone, you’re powerless.

I was awoken from my nap when a centaur broke through the doors, yelling up a storm. He tried to drain Celestia, Luna, and Cadance, before yelling and raging at them about the severe lack of magic that they have. “First that worthless changeling queen goes missing, and then none of you can even provide a morsel of magic!?” Tirek was still going, saying slurs. “I suppose I will have to find that Queen; I‘ve heard she became a pony lover. I bet she will provide a tasty snack…” What did he just fucking say? “I bet she even adopted a pony recently… I bet that filly will also provide some-”

“Hey bitch!” I stepped out from behind the pillar, dart gun loaded. “You wanna hurt Queen Chrysalis do ya?” I shouted, having loaded the shotgun up should I need it. “Because if you wanna come after her, I am going. To. Kill. You. There will be nothing left of your pathetic, worthless hide when I am through with you,” I fired the dart gun at Tirek’s face, which he… blocked for some reason. I shot another at his chest, which bounced right off it. Interesting. I ran at Tirek, throwing a few jabs in here or there, staying clear of those fucking arms of his.

I weaved, ducked, and spun around Tirek, knowing fully that I am not doing shit. “Enough!” Tirek didn’t notice me magicking the shotgun into my grasp. But he did grab me with levitation, halting my assault. “I believe you know where Queen Chrysalis is, so tell me, where is she? In exchange, I will only drain you of magic instead of breaking your scrawny little neck!” Tirek grinned, and a look in those eyes… yeah, something in there ain’t there, and that’s called a moral compass.

“You will release my fiance at once, Lord Tirek. I will fight you if I shall,” I slowly peeked around the centaur… and there she was. “You hurt him, and I will show you why changelings are considered very loyal to those they care about.” Tirek’s evil grin could not get any bigger. He opened his mouth and tried to slowly drain me. “I said to leave him unharmed!” Chrysalis took to the air and charged Tirek, only to be swatted away… She slammed into a nearby pillar and fell with a thud. My heart dropped, and any emotions I was feeling at the time, fear, sadness, love, hate. All boiled down into my resolve. This son of a bitch is going to die, and I am going to be the reason why.

You do not hurt the people I love.

Tirek turned to me, and began to try and drain me of my magic again. In a heartbeat, I swung the shotgun up, turned the safety off, and shot him in the face with it. His head was blown to smithereens; if he was somehow alive without a head, then I would be pretty shocked. I fell to the ground with a thud, Tirek’s body came down soon afterwards, and… I got crushed by it. I was still conscious, still breathing. I tried to move so I could check on Chrysalis, as… she was getting up. She’s alive! I couldn’t help but smile; victory is ours! “Fruit are you-”

“I fucking told you dumbasses… That I could’ve murdered Tirek with a shotgun…” Everything hurts. When you get… “Why is Tirek’s body inflating-”

A loud boom was the last thing I heard before everything turned to black.

Author's Note

so, will fruit grow wings? or will he... not. idfk.

Aftermath
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Not So Funny Story

Aftermath

I blinked a couple times, I am probably dead, given that I see nothing but a black void. Well, that sucks, I’m dead. Well… Shit. That actually sucks a lot. Now I can’t watch my daughter bloom into a lovely mare, or even marry Chrysalis. Well… at least I died a hero instead of living long enough to become a villain. I sat in thought, contemplating what’s next. Clearly there is an afterlife if I still remain myself after probably dying. I rested my head in my hooves… interesting, I’m dead, but I’m still a pony, and not some sorta human or angel.

“So, you finally killed Tirek,” what? I slowly looked up to see… an alicorn. He looked… exactly like me, but with wings, and a different cutie mark too. Instead of the jack-in-the-box that I had, this alicorn had a microphone and a spotlight. He was nearly as tall as Celestia “You know, we both know it’s rude to be checking each other’s cutie marks. It’s only on our asses,” the alicorn said. “Though, allow me to introduce myself. I am Fruit Punch, I entered Equestria when I was in my first year of college, but I am currently in the future of an alternate timeline from yours, and let me tell you this about what is about to happen to you when you wake up. It may not play out the exact same, but I believe I know the general outline of what may happen.”

“Wait, I’m alive?”

“Eeyup. I also don’t know how I ended up here, but I guess being an alicorn lets you speak with others across universes, I guess. I don’t fucking know. It might just be the cocaine I brought from the Mirror World. I always wondered what I’d be like if I could grow older before ending up in Equestria… You definitely seem happier than I am.”

“...Why?”

“I have no idea who the fuck I am. I ended up in Equestria in my freshman year, when you entered Equestria long after college; you actually knew who you were while I was still figuring out who I was. How do I know this? I don’t know. Again, I am high off my ass right now. Anyways, when you wake up, you are going to hate what the fuck happened, mostly because you’ll probably be in a lot pain. So tell me, how did you kill your Tirek? I made my ear a grenade by tricking him.” When I told him how I did it, a good ol’ shotgun to the face. “And you didn’t make a terminator reference? Man, I know you’re definitely way more mature than I am when I was your age… Fuck, ruling Equestria sure is a load of shit. Anyways, when you wake up, one of two things may happen. You’ll wake up, and that’s the end of it,” my other-wordly counterpart shivered. “Or you’ll wake up with wings. If you wake up with wings, I am so, so sorry for you. Like Jesus Christ’s nipples, I ended up taking over in Celestia’s place, because I guess Twilight didn’t wanna rule, or live in a country that I ruled over. Do you know how many dumbfucks have asked me what two plus two is? More than two adults.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I asked.

“Look, just cherish Chrysalis; if you grow wings the two of you will probably drift apart. I know mine and I ended up not even marrying; we just stopped clicking after a while. Such is life with two immortals.” Oh… “Well, I’m going to go drink myself until I die of alcohol poisoning. Enjoy your time with Chrysalis and Cozy Glow, especially Cozy. She’s a stone statue in my world after a final, big battle involving just her. Kid deserves way more than what she got in life-”

I woke up to the sound of a heart monitor. I groaned, laying on my side, staring into the eyes of Chrysalis. “Fruit! You are awake!” Chrysalis went and hugged me. “You have no idea how worried I was for you! Look who’s also here!” Cozy Glow hopped up on the bed, glaring at me. Uh… that is probably not a good thing.

“Dad? Daddy’s awake!” Cozy’s voice was so cheerful. When my eyes landed on her face, it was… darkening. “Why. Did. You. Think. Fighting. That. Meaning. Was. A. Good. Idea?” Cozy shouted at me. Her hoof stomped into the bed to punctuate every single world. “You could’ve died! Do you know what me and Mommy would do if you died? Did you think for even a second about what could happen if you got hurt?” Cozy wrapped her arms around my neck and started bawling into it. “I-I th-thought I-I lost-t yo-you.” She nuzzled deep into my neck. “Please, do not put yourself in danger again, Dad. I…” she sobbed. “I love you dad, please just let the strong ponies handle the big meanies.”

“Trust me, I know now… fuck,” now I feel bad for making my kid cry. I looked up at Chrysalis. “Are you alright? I know you took a nasty hit.”

“Who is the one with a love-powered healing factor, Fruit? I am. I am perfectly fine, yes, I took quite a hit, but I am still perfectly fine.” Chrysalis nuzzled me. “Watching you get angry like that over me, and generally seeing you that angry… It was kind of hot. And then the way you brought down that horrible monster in seconds! You do not know just how much I want to marry you right now, and I wish we could hurry up and get married already.” Chrysalis grinned. “I know we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, after all.” Wait… what?

I looked down at my sides… a pair of wings. I slowly looked up at Chrysalis. “What. The. Fuck? Why the hell do I have wings?”

“Nopony is sure, but I believe that all the magic stored within Tirek had to do with it, when it all bursted. By all rights, that explosion should’ve killed you, but it was also an explosion of raw magic. But… we’re going to be able to spend the end of time together! I’m quite happy about your new predicament…”

“Okay… ignoring any possible responsibility, I don’t want… this,” I pointed at my wings. “I don’t want to live forever. Just eighty years, or however long I have in the tank, is enough for me. I don’t want to…” I looked down at Cozy, who had literally cried herself to sleep in my grasp. “I don’t want to have to hold my daughter while she’s laying on her deathbed. I simply don’t want to have to say goodbye to any of my friends, knowing that I definitely won’t see them again. I love you Chrysalis, and I am very happy that I won’t leave you a crying mess when I eventually would’ve died. But this?” I sighed. “Being immortal is a curse, as I’m sure that you know. What am I even the alicorn of? Fuck all if I know; like it matters. Because I don’t want that shit. Nearly every alicorn that isn’t Twilight Sparkle, is revered as some kinda god for one reason or another. I don’t want to be treated as such.”

Chrysalis sighed. “I know being immortal will suck, I know adjusting to being an alicorn will suck. But it’s not all that bad… as for what you would be the alicorn of? Talent, perhaps? You do have a ride arrange of skills…” Chrysalis then reached over and yanked my wing off… which didn’t hurt somehow. “Though that was some sick prank that Luna wanted to try, so she took a bunch of the feathers that she and her sister molted, and stuck a fake pair of wings on you after dying them. You aren’t immortal,” Chrysalis warmly smiled. “And I am glad for it; with how you reacted, you would’ve been depressed for the rest of your life.”

“...I am going to use tar and feathers to turn Moonbutt into a chicken.” At least I’m not actually an alicorn. That would… actually suck a lot.

“And I will assist you,” Chrysalis chuckled. “There will be an award ceremony for you later this week. For now though, since you are on the road to recovery; you did get crushed by a massive centaur after all. While you recover, myself and Cozy will visit you, cuddle you, anything. Expect a visit from the Princesses, as they would like to personally thank you, and I believe Celestia wishes to confiscate something from you after seeing it in action. So be prepared to face whatever that ol’ mare has in store for you…” Great.

“Can I keep Cozy here for today at least? She ain’t moving anytime soon,” my daughter was snoring. I couldn’t help but try and lay my tail over her.

“Of course. She did miss you after Celestia said you had to remain in your old home during the nationwide lockdown; I’m surprised she didn’t rip into Celestia as she blames that as for how you almost got killed.” Chrysalis stood up. “Well, I must go assist the Princesses in assessing the damage that Tirek has caused. I will be away for a week, surveying the damage in various towns and cities.

Meanwhile in another universe

“You lucky son of a bitch! Of course he doesn’t get wings! And I get stuck dealing with this retarded fucking horse asking me what color the sun is!” Fruit Punch pulled out a double barrel shotgun from… who knows where and promptly committed suicide. Because life sucks, he survived. “God. Fucking. Dammit!” Fruit’s story is not so funny anymore.

So at some point, Cozy Glow had to go because the doctors wanted to run some tests on me. And it turns out I broke a rib or two when Tirek fell on me. The only reason why I am not flailing in pain is because magic is awesome, and painkiller magic is actually insane. Like it actually stops me from feeling any pain, and doesn’t have the issue of me possibly being addicted to it. Of course, I still wasn’t allowed to move until the magic works its way through my body, but I still have to let the healing spells run through my body, which could take up to a solid week. Also all of my bodily functions could be checked up on with magic. And since you have to be a unicorn that has an innate ability to use healing spells, or know alchemy, I had no idea why the heart monitor was there.

It wasn’t even plugged into me. Hell, I fucked with it, using my magic, and turned it into a clock because I was just that bored. Yes, the doctors were super happy about me using magic and messing with the heart monitor. Because using magic, while the healing spells run through you, can lead to you having a headache if you use anything more advanced than telekinesis. Or kill you if it’s super advanced. Upon hearing that, I saw why they were concerned, and proceeded to just sit there idly.

I opened a book at some point, some shitty knockoff of Star Wars where the Death Star was an island. And instead of a hand, the fucker loses a wing. Yeah, I’d rather cut a hoof off and change the main character into an earth pony. That would be way cooler. Then again, I have read actual Star Wars and hope to steal the whole book set when the Crystal Mirror opens up again. Fuck, I shoulda went and gotten ahold of that while I was there the first time! Imagine how much money I could be if I published that here!

The door clicked open, and every single Princess, Twilight included, filed into my hospital room. I long since chucked the book back to the shelf, where it had expertly slid back into where it once was. “Howdy,” I waved a hoof. “So I got to experience your little prank, Luna. Not cool. I woulda actually kill myself if I ended up becoming an alicorn.”

“Wait what? I thought becoming an alicorn was an honor, something everypony would love! Though, with how much magic was in the area, I’m surprised you aren’t an alicorn.”

“Don’t I have to do some spiritual bullshit in order to become an alicorn? Learn thy true self or some shit. Because it’s kinda hard for me to become an alicorn if one of the means to become an alicorn is to understand what your cutie mark means. Because mine literally represents having a wide range of skills. Not some shit that involves killing a dude. And as for the suicide part? I don’t want to live forever. I don’t want to have to attend my daughter’s fucking funeral because I could easily outlive her. Sure, I’ll have Chrysalis, but I doubt our relationship could last forever. People change, and people especially change if they don’t age.

“Just excluding all the power, political power, and responsibilities that would come from me being an alicorn, immortality is not worth it. I don’t want to live a life where a century flashes by in what feels like a week, and realize all my friends are dead. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, and I sure as hell ain’t doing that shit. You ponies are okay with complacency, but humans are not. You, Luna, maybe okay with living forever, but the human brain simply is not built for it. I would go mentally insane by the second century.” I sighed. “I wanna feel alive. I want to have a thrill. I can’t have that if I know I’ll live forever.”

Celestia cleared her throat. “So, you killed somepony, and you must atone for your crimes.” Oh.

“But-”

“Yes, I know, you killed somepony that you would equate to ‘Hitler’ for some reason. Why do you always-”

“That fucker has to be one of the worse humans in human history. Deadass killed 6 million people, including men, women, and children. If I could, I would personally strangle that motherfucker, and smile while doing it. Luckily, he’s dead, so I don’t have to.”

“...I see why you compared Tirek to that human then. I was going to say I was going to send you to Tartarus just to see your reaction, but we both knew that wouldn’t come to pass. You saved Equestria, you saved myself, Luna, and Cadance. You fought valiantly, and you won against Tirek while he was that powerful. That, in my opinion, is quite impressive. You did use… that shotgun, which I might confiscate from you; it is quite dangerous and I do not want it to fall into the wrong hooves.”

“You wanna make more of them is what I’m hearing.”

“Okay, yes. My guards are generally… not the most useful in national threats such as Tirek, as you’ve seen. So having them armed with these would be helpful.”

“I could ask Chrysalis to just make you muskets, which is just a more primitive version of a shotgun. Her changelings are fucking nuts at making any ideas I have a reality.” I shrugged. “So, I was told I was going to have to get an award or something. Can I not get that?”

“Nope! You are getting that award ceremony, and you are also getting a window! You’ve already got one from helping Equestria find peace with the Changelings, so you’ll have two whole windows!” Grand. “And judging from your face, I know you are ready to be hailed as a national hero!”

“Wonderful. I think I'll get wasted in a bar somewhere after the ceremony. I’ve apparently been out for a few days after coming face to face with an explosion. So I should be out… tomorrow; I don’t think ribs take that long to heal after being dosed with magic constantly. So when’s the ceremony?”

“Tomorrow at four in the afternoon. Do not be late, and yes, wear a suit, Fruit. I know you hate wearing them, but think of it like this; Chrysalis-”

“Yeah, last time I wore a suit, Chrysalis literally had me fuck her. She ‘loves a stallion in uniform’. So of course I’m going to wear a suit and tie. But as soon as it’s over, I am going to go get drunk. As appealing as being considered a hero is, I don’t want the attention.”

Celestia giggled. “well…”

So, it’s about four thirty, four thirty in the afternoon. Celestia had given her speech about how Equestria made it through yet another hardship. Luna gave her own speech, Cadance and Twilight gave their own speeches. It is good to note that Twilight was happy that she could do something other than smile and wave. Chrysalis was currently giving her own speech, expressing how proud she is of her consort(me) for saving Equestria in such a heroic manner. All of those speeches were nice, cool even. “And I believe Fruit Punch, my consort, would like to say a few words before we award him!” Chrysalis side eyed me.

What the fuck, Chrysalis. I thought you loved me! And then you throw me to the sharks? How could you?

So that’s where I’m standing, on a podium, staring down at a sea of ponies expecting me to give a speech. I had my award, the Shield of Canterlot. I was just standing there, contemplating how quickly anyone would react if I were to just jump off right now. You know, being dead is hip and trending amongst old ponies. I could give that a shot… I took three deep breaths, and felt way, way calmer than before I took those three breaths. Okay, suicide is no longer a viable option, but it is on the table incase I fuck my speech up.

“Hello everypony, everybody, whatever the heck you are, it doesn't matter. I’m here today because Lord Tirek, a centaur from a far away land, decided to try and take over Equestria and make everyone I love suffer. I am going to be blunt with you, I didn’t think about Equestria as a whole when I walked out of my home to hide in the throne room for a week straight. No, I was mad. I was pissed off. Tirek dared to attack ponies, he wanted to hurt people. I live by a simple motto; you can do what you want, just don’t hurt anyone while doing it. I decided to step up and make sure Tirek can never threaten my home again. He hurt the mare I love, he tried to kill me. But just as we ponies do, we got back up after getting hit, and we kept on getting up. And we live another day.

“Nothing can hold us down as long as we all rise up to the occasion and fight for what we care about. That is how I’ve slain Tirek. Not through being brave, not through being smart, powerful, or any other shite. No, I defeated him because I had something to fight for. I bet you all have friends, family, lovers that you would fight for. Anyone here, anyone reading this in a newspaper, could easily replace me where I stand, if they fought for everything they love and care for. I don’t think I am much of a hero, I’m not proud of how I had to kill somebody to get that title; I just did what was necessary. Gooday, everyone, go have a nice picnic. Hug your loved ones, tell them you love them. I” With that I turned around and walked off the podium.

I didn’t stop to hear about what anyone thought of my shitty speech, I just broke into the royal wine cellar and grabbed the most expensive looking booze and snuck off into some random sitting room.

The hangover I had made me forget what the fuck I had said during that speech. Good. That speech sucked shit.

Author's Note

That booze was four centuries old.

I Tried to Spend the Day with My Daughter. I Ended up in the Hospital.
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Not So Funny Story

I Tried to Spend the Day with My Daughter. I Ended up in the Hospital.

After all the excitement for me being a national hero, I decided to just lay low for a few days for it to blow over. I’m just some dude, not a hero, and I wanted to protect my fiance. Then it hit me. I’ve never really got the chance to go explore the new Hive, as I’m almost always out of it, or busy with something. Also, I want to spend time with my adorable, little filly. So I woke up, noticed that Cozy was sleeping under my tail like usual, and rested my head back on my pillow. Truly, the only thing that would make this perfect would be having Chrysalis here.

Because for some reason, even though we have shared a bed before, Chrysalis wants us to be married before we share a bed within her palace. Though… It’s also probably because Chrysalis is getting a bed commissioned to be able to hold her, myself, and our daughter on it at the same time. My bed is too small, and Chrysalis’s is just barely too small for us to comfortably lay on it. So we just have separate rooms for the time being. I hate our current sleeping arrangements; I wanna cuddle my lovebug.

That said, this was still great. For once, I’m gonna sleep in. It’s gonna be great! I pulled my daughter closer to my chest, and went back to sleep. Today is truly going to be great.

“Dad!” Something, or some filly nudged me. “Dad, wake up!” Something nudged me again. “Dad! I said ‘wake up’!” That filly headbutted my shoulder. Ow. My eyes slammed open, before landing on my daughter, who was holding a plate full of scrambled eggs, some bread, and a cup of orange juice. She was adorably beaming up at me, the plate being held with her wings as her smile already made my day. How the hell does she get orange juice when oranges are out of season? I don’t know, It’s magical pony land. I've learnt that it’s just best to not question literally anything that happens, or you will have an aneurysm while trying to find some sort of logic behind anything. Yes, ponyland follows some logic, but I don’t like believing in that logic.

Fuck logic, my cute little daughter and I are gonna be sharing breakfast in bed. So that’s what we did, either Cozy knows how to cook, or Chrysalis had helped her prepare it. It was probably a mix of both, but I also have no clue how the fuck she cooked this when I don’t think we have a stove, but whatever. I also don’t really care; my daughter just wanted to do something for me, and she was being cute as fuck while doing it.

“So Cozy, whaddya wanna do today? I’m taking a day off from training, and everything else, so I wanna grab you and Chryssy and spend the day with you. It… It has been too long since the three of us just went on a picnic or something. We could go to the museum, an amusement park, anything really. What do you think?” Cozy rubbed her chin with a hoof while giving the cutest ‘I’m thinking face’.

“Gosh diddly golly, I didn’t expect you to actually take a break from everything…” Cozy’s face slowly contorted to that of a normal, excited child. Turns out, that being loved and cared for, can make any filly actually happy and normal. “Can we explore Canterlot, and maybe head back down to Ponyville if we have time? I already spent all day exploring the Hive constantly, but I’ve barely had the time to explore Canterlot. And Mom’s been super busy with helping the Princesses with reparations from what that meanie head did! Why did Tirek want to hurt everypony so badly?”

That’s good; my daughter’s starting to feel sympathy for other people.

“Remember how you were a bit of a megalomaniac?” Cozy nodded. “That’s what happens when you’re a megalomaniac and a psychopath with power. Tirek was a massive sack of shit, and that’s all there is to it,” I ruffled my filly’s mane. “But you’re being given a chance to not end up like that. So for my sake, because it would make me cry if you became evil, don’t try to take over Equestria for some dumbfuck reason. I don’t know what the hell I’d do if you ended up trying that.”

Cozy’s ears flattened. “Well, I don’t want to make you cry! I’ll be a good little filly, and a cute, not as little mare for you! Though, it would be weird if you-”

“Bad Cozy, you and I know I wouldn't stoop down to trying to hit on my own daughter. Not only is that fucked up, but Chrysalis would literally skullfuck my corpse for even considering that. Also, I think I would skullfuck my own corpse if I tried that…” I grinned. “I bet a few colts are gonna try to hit you up; you are a cute, little filly after all.” Cozy’s cheeks were suddenly red. “Unless… you’re already seeing a boy or two?” Cozy’s ears suddenly shot up, and she actually punched me in the chest.

“No! What the buck, Dad? I wouldn’t do that behind your back… unless you want me to.”

“Meh, who you end up dating isn’t the biggest concern to me. I’m assuming you’ll know who is the right one for you, but let me also know who you’re dating. That way I’ll know whose ass to kick for breaking your heart! Or even better, to know if they will break your heart.” Cozy nodded. “You’re done with your breakfast already?” Holy fuck, her plate’s clean.

“Yup!” Fucking children and their metabolism. I’m not one to be outdone, so I scarfed down my breakfast and dragged both of us into the bathroom to get ready for the day of doing fuckall.

We didn’t get three feet into Canterlot until somebody recognized me. Cozy was grinning like an idiot when a mare walked up to me and asked for an autograph. Apparently, not only was I a national hero, but considered a professional athlete after out wrestling several earth ponies and pegasi during the Equestrian Games. On top of that, I’m now an inspiration to unicorns to become more physically fit.

It also didn’t hurt that a lot more of my accomplishments were coming to light. Such as my role in making peace happen between ponies and changelings. “Can you sign my face?” A little colt asked. He was a tiny little unicorn. I shrugged and did just that. “Thank you! I’m not washing my face ever again! Are you in the Royal Guard by chance? You’ve got to know how big and strong you are!” I’m a midget, kiddo, but I won’t say that.

“Not officially, but I can serve amongst the Royal Guards and even lead them if the Princesses and Shining Armor aren’t available,” I shrugged. “All it takes is some proper training, not being in the Royal Guard, to become strong. Find something you want to fight for, and fight like hell to keep that thing, or pony safe.” The colt nodded before running off to probably brag about how his face got signed by me. Or to get ice cream at that ice cream stand right next to me.

Cozy then decided to punch my shoulder. “That was cheesy, Dad.”

“It was, but I shot Tirek in the face because he hit your mother in the face. And also because he was trying to commit genocide, but he hit Chryssy in the face. I wouldn’t have killed him if he hadn’t done that.” I sat down as the next mare walked up to me. “Howdy, how’s your day going?” I asked.

“...You’re Fruit Punch, aren’t you?” I nodded. “Are you down to date a real mare? Like me, the lovely Minuette?” She asked, her face turning into something that she probably thought was seductive. “There’s a lot of gossip going around that you’re only a puppet for the Queen; she doesn’t care about you.” Huh. “So why not date a mare that can treat you right?” I hummed. “Well? Are you-” I stopped listening, because this bitch sounds inpatient. The mare was kinda pretty though, light blue coat, mane looks like toothpaste, hourglass for a cutie mark. Chrysalis was prettier though. I looked down at Cozy Glow who was happily snacking on a carton of hay fries I had got her.

“Hey Cozy, cover your ears. Daddy’s about to say a lot of inappropriate things that fillies like you shouldn’t hear.” Cozy nodded, before tucking the carton under a wing, and bringing her hooves up to cover her ears. “Listen, I’m flattered that you, and a lot of mares find me attractive, but Queen Chrysalis can treat me better than you ever could. For one thing, roleplay while having sex is pretty fun; Chrysalis and I can do literally anything because she’s a changeling from vore to literally fucking a snake; Chryssy can do it all, and do it better than you, you filthy whore. Also, I love her, and she loves me. She made that pretty clear… And she would gut you, and kill me, if she caught us dating. So for both of our sakes, back off, also I’m not interested. Leave me alone.” The mare’s face was priceless. I think she stopped listening after I talked about our roleplay. I nudged Cozy, and she nodded again.

“Anyways, Chrysalis is also great for cuddling, wouldn’t you agree, Cozy?”

The filly jumped up and down. “Yeah! She’s super soft and squishy, yet firm!”

We walked off, leaving a confused unicorn just standing in the streets.

I don’t know how, I don’t know why, but somehow my endless wandering around ended up with me bumping into Twilight and Shining Armor. For some reason, me and Twilight let Shining Armor talk us into doing a sparring match. Cozy even agreed to it, because she loves me, and wants to see me suffer. Of course, I was looking forward to what was about to happen. The Princesses, Chryssy, and some of the Guard’s captains were watching us as we stood face to face, across from a training field. Why did I agree to this? Because fighting the fucking Element of Magic seems like a good idea.

Also, Twilight’s friends were watching us.

“Twilight, why did we let this happen? We could’ve said no.”

“Well… I am curious about how far your skills will go against me and my raw magical abilities. You’ve apparently managed to go toe to toe with my brother through raw skill; I have next to zero training beyond what I’ve learnt while under Celestia’s tutorage. You have training in some more niche areas of magic, fighting skills, and, according to Shiny, nearly unpredictable. And you’ve taken down earth ponies during the Equestrian Games.” Now was a good time to mention that several civilians were also watching us, because this was actually a fundraiser for the Royal Guards to get better training and Equipment. Turns out people wanna see what I can do to an alicorn.

Spoiler, not much.

“I just wanted to cuddle with my daughter on a park bench,” I sighed. “Aight, let’s get this over with. First person to get knocked out, or incapacitated loses. Nothing too damaging; I still have a day to kill, and I want to spend that day with my daughter, not on a stretcher.” Though being dead doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll probably want to be dead after being hit with a telekinetic beam, so I hope I just instantly die from getting hit by one of those.

“That’s fair,” Twilight dug at the ground with a hoof as Princess Celestia started counting down to my death. As soon as she said three, Twilight started circling me like a wolf, whereas I stood still and tried to read her movement. I know I ain’t gonna do shit in a magical bout; I am apparently above average at best. Like it would matter against what was one of the most magically gifted unicorns of all time, who is now an alicorn with an earth pony’s stamina backing that magic, who can fly, and can probably hit harder than I can despite her not working out. But I plan on using a few magical attacks to close the distance and just get into a melee derby with Twilight; I can probably knock her out with enough punches to the back of the head.

Twilight was apparently sick of waiting around, as she shot a magical blast my way, which I rolled out of the way from, before bringing a shield up to deflect any more spells shot my way. That was a good idea, as I ended up redirecting the spell back towards Twilight, and then I had an idea. I started charging in, using a shield, and putting it up and down as I ran in, shooting spells in between whenever I dropped the shield to keep Twilight on her toes. Now, she would have analyzed my movement during the Equestrian Games, and probably think I’ll try and fake her out.

She’s probably right, but also, I’m gonna prove her wrong.

Twilight shot a spell at me while we were nearly point blank, my shield came up last second, and the spell immediately shot back towards the alicorn. The small crowd that had gathered started roaring as the spell nearly hit Twilight… If she hadn’t teleported out of the way last second to the side. Well, that didn’t matter since my hoof connected with her nose, making her reel back. Since she wasn’t much of a fighter, she backed away from a second while holding her nose. I pressed the offense… only to be stopped by levitation. Twilight smirked, before tossing me about the arena.

This is so fun, my legs hurt like hell, my shoulder hurts, my everything hurts. However, Twilight’s onslaught didn’t last very long, and landed in front of me, while I was on the ground, with a smug grin on her face. Because I am a fair fighter, I augment my left, front leg’s muscles before sucker punching her. The result was instant, Twilight’s head snapped back, and I punched her in the chest. The Alicorn of Magic went flying, crashing into the ground with a thud. I stood up, knowing that I’m gonna be hurting like hell when I wake up tomorrow. Twilight, thankfully, got right back up.

“That was cheap!” She shouted.

“I was trained by Pharynx, Chrysalis’s second in command, and also one of her generals. Winning a fight’s about getting out alive, not fighting with honor,” I shrugged. I side stepped another telekinetic blast, before my horn lit up. Twilight was teleported in front of me, which made me reel back in surprise, but that didn’t last long. I headbutted Twilight and she went down again. This time, she didn’t get back up; I just won. I just beat an alicorn. What the fuck? Well, everything hurts, and I came out probably bloody and bruised, whereas Twilight barely has a scratch on her, but I won.

My face hurts.

“It… Looks like Fruit Punch wins!” Celestia shouted in what was probably her announcer voice.

“Woo…” I faceplanted beside the alicorn I just knocked the fuck out.

I woke up in a hospital bed after some undisclosed amount of time. Twilight was in the same room, but the only difference was she was perfectly fine. I wasn’t. “So, mister, how was winning?” She asked smugly. “Because it cost you a concussion, a broken leg, a broken hoof, you broke a wrist, and you lost about twenty percent of your blood from various cuts and scratches.” Oh. Twilight nervously chuckled. “I’m surprised that you actually beat me though, even if it wasn’t through the most fair means.” Twilight grinned. “I knew you were good with magic! You teleported me to you! Don’t you know how hard that is for the average unicorn to do?”

“No clue. Don’t wanna know. For me, magic’s just a tool in my arsenal, not something to actively practice. You said I was apparently capable of teleporting objects, so I figured a bit of extra power could allow me to teleport ponies. I was right by the looks of it.”

Twilight sighed. “Are you sure you don’t want somepony to teach you how to fully utilize your magic? Princess Celestia, myself, Queen Chrysalis, even Sunset Shimmer wouldn’t be opposed to teaching you. I’ve heard from the Princess herself that she would be at least interested in testing your magic in a more controlled environment. Then see if you’d even stand a chance at getting into her magic school. With how you use your magic, when you do use it, you’ve used it in a way I never would’ve thought of! Like teleporting an enemy to you so you can unleash a physical onslaught? Even Shiny was impressed!”

I shrugged. “I mean, learning magic would make fighting people easier, but I have several other things in my arsenal. Such as a gun, my backup gun, and my third gun, the dart gun, my hooves. Magic is just a means for me to get close enough to make use of my hooves, and if I need to keep my distance, a gun, or a dart gun if I’m not looking to kill somebody. Hell, I’m looking into learning how to use bladed weapons to add to my arsenal… Plus Pharynx taught me some paralyzing spells and ways to disable shields if I feel the need.” Granted, that way to disable shields was to beat on the fucking thing until it cracked, but whatever.

Cozy soon reared her adorable little head over the edge of the bed. “Dad!” She hopped up and nuzzled into my neck before laying down. “Are you feeling a little better? The nurses had to use a lot of painkiller spells to make sure you wouldn’t wake up screaming…” She grinned. “You beat up an alicorn and lived!” Twilight snorted.

“Now, don’t let me fight Celestia or Luna. Those two scare me; with how long they’ve been alive, they probably know how to kick some ass. For instance, Celestia’s soft and squishy, but under that soft and squishiness is a lot of well-toned muscles. I don’t wanna get decked by her, that’s for fucking sure.”

“Luckily, you will not have to find out how hard I hit, as we are friends. I wouldn’t dare lift a hoof to you,” Celestia said after bumping her head against the doorframe with a yelp. Ah yes, regal Princess at work. “I am quite impressed, Fruit. Are you certain you want nothing to do with being in the Royal Guard? I could see Shining Armor chewing on his hooves, hoping you would join the guard and be his second in command-”

“Nope. Don’t wanna; I wanna cuddle my daughter and sleep.” Before anyone could argue with me, I grabbed my filly, pulled her closer to my chest, and fell asleep. My body just didn’t wanna stay awake, and I was perfectly okay with that.

I Guess my Name is Fruit Punch Now and I work at Hayburgers.
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Not So Funny Story

I Guess my Name is Fruit Punch Now and I work at Hayburgers.

Everything I could see was blurry. Like that was it, it was blurry. My body felt like I had just jumped out of the second story of my office onto hard concrete and belly flopped. On the brightside the thing I’m laying on feels nice, soft, and warm. I rubbed the back of my head with my hand, only to notice that my hands don’t have fingers anymore. My vision started to unblur as I brought my hoof… wait, hoof? What the fuck is wrong with me today?

I slowly looked down after sitting up, and what I was laying on turned out to be a horse. Only this horse had a horn, so it was a unicorn. It also had wings, which meant it was also a pegasus? What the heck do you even call those? Unipegs? What’s even more interesting is that it was wearing a dress, and not some dress made for human beings, but a dress that seemed like it was specifically built for an equine’s physique.

The horse’s coat was a midnight blue, which was honestly really pretty, and had a mane that said ‘fuck you’ to physics, and was flowing in a room where all the windows were closed. And by the looks of things, it wasn’t even all that windy tonight. Just behind the horse’s horn sat a crown that matched the rest of the jewelry it had on. A crystallized collar-necklace thing, and of course, her shoes.

The unipeg groaned, you know, from me crushing the fucking thing, and slowly lifted her head while rubbing it with… crystal horse shoes. Man, even a horse was richer than I was.

All around me were horses, some with wings, some with horns, some with neither. All were pointing at me and whispering to each other. Like I could vaguely hear English in those little whispers that were most like very airy conversations. Imagine how somebody would somebody talking with a lot of air in their voice, while trying to be hard to hear, that’s what it was like.

“Uh…” I wobbled over to the horse I had just crushed and offered a hoof. “Sorry for crushing you?” I don’t know if I could be understood, I don’t even know if I can articulate very well; I never spoke with a horse’s muzzle instead of a human mouth before.

The horse seemed to quickly gather its senses and started glaring at me.

“Thou dare try to assassinate us?” She, yes she, the horse had a feminine voice.

You know, thinking that you are hearing horses speak in English is way different from hearing a horse actually speak the language. You know, it was already freaky that this thing, and every horse around me seemed to have very human things, such as dresses, architecture, and the ability to craft things, but this really takes the cake. On top of how fucking weird everything was around me, I still felt like shit from the fall I had just taken.

I screamed and fainted.

“Ugh…” I groaned and rolled onto my side, only to see a hoof.

“Finally, you are awake!” I turned to see a horse with a nurse’s hat on her head. I screamed and fainted a second time.

I woke up again, managing to sit up like a human… Am I? Nope, still a fucking horse. Grand, I like not having fingers. I have a booger in my nose and my hooves are too big to shove in my nose hole, and I’m angry. I groaned while rubbing my eyes as my blurry vision began to clear up. Man, I feel way better than the first timeI fainted.

“Greetings, my little pony.”

Oh god… Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths. Okay, I’m calm, I am relaxed. I opened my eyes, and low and behold, a white horse with a horn(a long one), wings, and lsd hair that waved in a nonexistent air. It was a she, judging by the voice, and she was wearing jewelry. It was in a similar style to the first horse I met(and had crushed), but instead of crystals, this one had golden jewelry that gleamed and sparkled under the room’s light.

Okay, that is beautiful, even if I am questioning my sanity.

“Uh… hey? I think I’m supposed to bow, but I kinda can’t while stuck in bed. Not because anything’s broken, but because I feel like I’ll fall on my face the second I start to stand on my own.”

The horse giggled. “Worry not… I am Princess Celestia, the Solar Diarch of Equestria. I believe you’ve already met my sister, Princess Luna, Princess of the Moon, and the second diarch of Equestria.” Low and behold, standing at Celestia’s flank, stood Luna, who was glaring at me. Wow, I would rather be hungover than be in this room right now.

I’m in the goddamn hospital.

“Oh uh… fuck this is awkward. Uh… greetings your… highness? Or is it majesty? Where I’m from, we don’t have kings, queens, or whatever. We just run off of democracy.”

“Your highness will do, my little pony. May we know your name before we continue?”

“Ah… you see, I uh…” Well, I usually got drunk off this stuff because somebody slipped fucking booze into it, but. “Name’s Fruit Punch. Nice to meet ya Princesses. And Princess Luna,” I hopped out of the bed, nearly fell, before righting myself after testing where my center of balance was, and I bowed. “My apologies for nearly killing you earlier. I swear that wasn’t my intention. My last memory was of me going to work, and then waking up on top of you.”

When in doubt, use flattery, it keeps you from getting executed.

Princess Luna blinked a couple of times, before her expression dropped to an amused one. “Oh… we did not expect to meet such a… gentlecolt.”

“Well, it would work to make a good impression after falling on you, your highness. And your first impressions of me are… not great I’m assuming.” Luna nodded. “Well… let’s start over, m’lady, you’re looking quite… lovely today? Tonight? I forget what time it is. I’m certain if I had a watch, then time would be happening; if I don't have a watch then that means time doesn’t exist!”

Luna smirked. “It is in the evening, two days since thou fell upon us. We must admit, trying to joke around is much better than the usual pleas for forgiveness that we hear.”

Celestia cleared her throat, clearly wanting to get to business. “So Fruit Punch, may I ask, are you of Equestrian origin? You sound like you’d be from Manehattan, but you seemed to be quite shocked whenever somepony spoke to you.”

“Uh… I don’t know how I should answer that. To say the least, I wasn’t a horse-“

“Pony,” Celestia corrected.

“Before I first woke up in ‘Equestria’. Nor did I expect to meet ponies that are not only capable of speaking, but apparently making societies. Full fledged societies with a system of government, art judging from the stained glass windows I first saw when I woke up, and I’m assuming agriculture; y’all gotta eat somehow, right?” I cleared my throat. Can’t get too excited at the prospect of being in a land with sentient ponies, can I? “So how deeply in trouble am I for uh… falling on top of your sister during what looked like a public event?”

Celestia and Luna turned to each other and started to discuss something, likely my question, before Luna broke from their little huddle.

“We believe due to thy circumstances, thy shall be granted a pardon for attempted assault on us. We must ask thee a question: What were thou before thee had come to Equestria?”

“I am, or was, a human being. It kinda stinks that I’m a pony now,” I raised a hoof. “I can’t pick my nose for one thing,” I chuckled. “Another is that I have several degrees in human psychology, and a minor degree in body language. So I guess all of that is pretty useless unless I can read up on basic pony psychology and body language, and then go from there. I also don’t have anywhere to live, which sucks.”

“Well, on the bright side, we can provide those things for you. And fortunately for you, the crown owns a house right here in Canterlot, which we can rent out to you for a bit a year, which will be taken out of a stimulus check of a hundred bits a month. However, do not use this as an opportunity to be lazy.” Celestia gave me a stern look. “I fully expect you to get a job at some point once your ability to walk isn’t so… meager, and once you can use your magic of course.”

“Oh yeah, I can do that. You think that you guys need another therapist? I can be a pretty decent therapist.”

“Unfortunately we do not at the moment,” Celestia sighed. “I can look into-”

“Nah don’t worry about it. I can go back to flipping burgers and putting together burgers for the time being, I’m sure.” I caught Celestia’s eye moving. “Are you checking me out, by the way?”

Princess Celestia stood up straight and her pupils had shrunk… there was even a little blush on her cheeks. “Well… you are quite the specimen for a unicorn stallion. You seem fairly muscular, your coat, while bland, is actually quite nice. And your mane, being a nice, jet black, is a nice touch to your already dark brown coat. To say that you are a catch, physically at least, would be an understatement.”

I cocked my head. “I’ll doubt that, but since I have no idea what makes a pony attracted to another, I’ll just take your word for it.”

“How did thee catch that so quickly?” Luna asked.

“I don’t need to have a degree in pony body language to catch a wandering eye. Heck, you gotta have a sharp eye when you’re learning how to read body language; it’s not hard to catch somebody’s eyes when those are huge in body language.”

Princess Luna seemed impressed.

“Well, you just have a few things for the doctors to look you over with, and you are good to go. I shall lead you to your new home, and then I will look into seeing if we can send you back to your world. As for your origins as a human, do refrain from speaking of them; you’ll look crazy at a minimum.”

“I’m also assuming it would be kinda illegal to speak of them.”

“It… would. Humans are a thing of legend in Equestria.”

Huh.

“Order up!”

It’s been about a week since I was released from the hospital. After some reading, I can deduce that pony body language just seemed like… human body language, but to match Equines. From hugs, staring, blah, blah blah. There were minor things such as nuzzling, which was just a child friendly version of making out, wing hugs which were more intimate hugs for pegasi, and horn tip touching which was another form of making out. Ears played a huge role, which is what really stood out to me.

Usually a hanging head and ears folded could mean several things, but it all depended on the rest of the pony’s body. For instance, a head hung nice and low, with ears folded, usually means a pony is ashamed. Ears pointing up usually mean happy, ears pointing downwards mean sad or mad. Now ears that point all the way up could mean several things, such as surprise, shock, blah blah blah. Flattened ears are usually a sign of embarrassment, or other random emotions, or a sign of concentration.

It was all interesting to see how similar human body language is to pony body language, while being so different due to the presence of ears that can actually move, or a lack of fingers. A raised hoof typically means a pony is happy.

Also cutie marks, or the mark of a pony’s talent, destiny, whatever. It’s apparently rude to ask ponies about their cutie marks, and also a bit rude to stare due to where they’re located on a pony’s body, which is their ass. For some reason, my cutie mark is a jack in the box, so whatever the hell that means, I dunno. Least it ain’t a microphone in a spotlight. Imagine having such a stupid cutie mark.

A look into pony psychology told me that ponies were a lot like humans, if a little more… timid. Okay, I am not gonna sugarcoat it, ponies are fucking racist. Like most ponies aren’t even accepting of something super similar to them, such as a zebra. It’s a miracle that there are even griffons here in Canterlot, because with how racist ponies can be, how xenophobic they can be, ponies make humans look accepting. And that’s coming from a human who knows just how much a human being can hate another human for something as small as personal beliefs.

Ponies were just a lot less violent in their racism.

It made sense, given how humans are more or less at the top of the food chain, and aren’t nearly as fear filled as ponies. Ponies are supposed to be peaceful plant eaters, so I suppose seeing something that is part lion, y’know, a thing that can eat a pony whole, is kinda scary, and thus ponies are more likely to hide at the sight of something scary. I suppose it didn’t apply to me, since I was a pony, but boy would I hate being a zebra in Ponyville.

Yes, that is the name of a town in the middle of fuck if I know.

Anyways all the fun educational stuff about ponies aside, I found a job.

“Fruit Punch, how are you so fast at making sandwiches? You’re faster than some unicorns who actually use magic!’ My boss walked up behind me and patted me on the shoulder. “I have yet to see a unicorn with such good hoof dexterity, and then you’re putting together hay fries in between sandwiches!”

I laughed. “When I said I had some minor experience in fast food, I kinda lied. I was a manager at my last job and was one of the fastests ponies on the whole staff team!” I said as I pushed out a twenty bit order, which was actually pretty huge. This job was great, because it had all the fun stuff of fast food, minus all the asshole customers. As racist as ponies can be, ponies are actually way more polite, and way nicer to deal with. Like a pony got lettuce on their hayburger by accident, and they did something insane when it turned out that wasn’t what they wanted.

The pony just took the lettuce off the burger and went off to enjoy their food. Man, if only some frequent McDonald’s customers could take a few notes.

Also, the pay actually seemed like a good pay rate compared to most jobs in America. Like it’s enough to actually buy a house, have food on the table, and still have a good portion of the day to yourself. Like just six hours a day and I could easily keep myself and three other ponies fed, while still being able to enjoy small luxuries like tea, cookies, anything really. My boss was super cool with me, because I always came in on time, and immediately cleared a line as soon as I was put on the ‘sandwich’ station.

“Well lad, you’re good to go home for the day. Good hustle… and before you go,” my boss slipped me a stack of bits wrapped in paper, and a little baggy with his magic. “This stack is your pay for the week, and the little bag is your share of tips-” the door’s bell rung and the owner gasped. His ears pointed up. “Okay Fruit,” my boss, Peppermint Patty, placed both hooves on my shoulder. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna just walked in, and I need you to stay a little bit. You’ll get overtime.”

“Bet.” I would die for this man.

“Sister, is this what fine cuisine has dropped to?” Luna asked. “All we smell is grease.”

“No Luna, restaurants like this are merely for ponies to get cheap, yet quite tasty, food. Besides, we’re not only here to get lunch, we are checking in on Mr. Fruit. It has been a week since we last spoke, and I have heard that this specific Hayburger location has a very talented chef.” Both Princesses stopped and saw the pony in question, who was quickly putting hay patties on a grill at a speed that had left Luna impressed, while Celestia was quite shocked.

The pony in question wasn’t using magic.

“Hey Mr. Mint, I got fresh fries and fresh patties going!”

“Wha? Fruit, I told you to just make sandwiches, not nearly put everpony out of the job by being faster than everypony in the store! I was going to do that for you!” A pony, who Celestia assumed was this store’s owner, said with a hearty laugh. “Remind me to give you a raise; you’re a damn good worker!” Mr. Mint walked up to the register with a bow. “Greetings, your highnesses, what can I get you?”

Celestia gave a pleasant little smile. “I would just like a… hayburger and a small fries. Hold the onions please.” Mr. Mint wrote the Solar Diarch’s order down before turning to Luna, who was reading the menu.

“We would like… what is a number seven?”

“Ah, that is a double stacked hayburger with nicely melted cheese with a side of fries and a drink!”

Fruit Punch came out from the kitchen and looked at the note in his boss’s magic, before walking back to the kitchen, only to stop and point an ear towards Luna.

“We would like a number seven. Hold the pickle.”

Fruit walked back into the kitchen. “That will… well, both of you are Princesses, I suppose-”

“No no, I would like to support businesses in any way I can. Especially for their services they provide me with,” Celestia took out a coin purse. Mr. Mint gave them the total, which just came to ten bits, and Fruit came walking out with a lunch tray with two burgers wrapped in tin foil and two cardboard pouches that were loaded with fries.

“Hey Celestia, hey Luna,” Fruit waved a hoof, while remaining balanced on his two rear legs. The lunch tray was in the other hoof. “Y’all want separate trays?”

“That would be helpful-” before Fruit could move, Mr. Mint grabbed a second tray off a stack of them before placing Luna’s food on the new tray.

“Now Fruit, that is no way to speak to the Princesses!” Mr. Mint said in a hushed voice.

“It is quite fine with us, Mr. Mint. Do you mind if we borrow Fruit for a bit?”

“Wha- of course Princess. Good hustle, Fruit. I’ll see you in two days?” Wow, quick turn around, boss.

“Yup! See ya Peppermint!”

I took a seat next to Luna, who was eyeing her sandwich. “So, how’s making sure the country doesn’t burn to the ground?” I asked, taking a fry I might’ve stolen from work(my boss was actually cool with it. I love that stallion) and sticking it in my mouth… just not the same as potato fries. There isn’t that nice, creaming filling under the crunchy coating, but it was still addictive and tasty.

Celestia giggled. “I suppose my sister and I are doing a good job at making sure the country doesn’t burn down,” Celestia took a bite out of her sandwich and her eyes widened. She then swallowed and wiped her lips with a napkin. “I am impressed… this is actually very lovely.” I turned to Luna, who had stuffed half of her burger into her mouth after taking a very small bite.

“Sister, you were right! This is delicious! This is seriously only five bits?” Luna shouted while sticking a hoof full of fries in her mouth as well. She used the bun as a napkin, getting some ketchup that was on her cheek, before swallowing the rest of the sandwich whole. “And you made this, Fruit?”

“Yeah, in twenty three seconds. Why do you ask?”

“I see you took no time in getting adjusted to your… job.” Celestia commeted.

“Oh yeah, that was easy after I learnt how to move without falling over and dying. Spent three all nighters on learning body language, psychology, and how to walk… I’m only awake right now because I’ve had six cups of coffee and a couple cups of tea.”

“That’s… worse than Twilight Sparkle is at times.”

“Who?”

“Just my student. Her sleeping habits, when she wants to study something, are horrible.”

“Glad I can be worse than somebody who has a Princess as their mentor!” I shoved another fry in my mouth before turning to Luna, who was now out of hay fries, and looked disappointed. I handed my fries over to her, and they were gone before I could blink… I almost lost a hoof to that, Jesus Christ woman, control your jaws.

“Thank you Fruit!” Luna threw her arms around me and nuzzled into my cheek… then my face planted into the table.

Author's Note

Well, there’s the first chapter done. Hope y’all enjoy it!

Chryssy will come soon!

I Guess Chrysalis and I are a Couple Now. And I’m About to get Judged by her Children. Somebody Save Me Please.
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Not So Funny Story

I Guess Chrysalis and I are a Couple Now. And I’m About to get Judged by her Children. Somebody Save Me Please.

I finished the last sandwich up for tonight, having just finished off a dinner rush quicker than I would’ve expected. I finished up wrapping the sandwich and handed it off to Flip, who was working the counter today, and let out a deep breath. God today was slow. Not a lot of ponies were coming in today, so not a lot of orders, which meant not a lot of work. To top it all, none of the orders were insanely large to make up for the lack of orders.

In other words I was bored.

“Good work boys! I know today was slow, but I really appreciate y’all holding out for me!” Mr. Mint patted me on the back. “You’re good to go, Fruit. Good hustle as usual; I still don’t understand how you move faster than unicorns do when you make sandwiches, but I’m not complaining.”

I chuckled. “I did say I had a little experience when you interviewed me. Just ten years of experience; small numbers really.”

“Fruit Punch, I am older than you, and have been doing what you’ve just done for longer. With magic, I’m only about half as fast as you are. Granted, my talents in magic aren’t the best, but you could probably give a skilled unicorn a run for their money while you don’t even know how to use magic!”

“Boss, it's been a month and a half since I’ve started working here. You’d figure by now that you’d be used to how fast I can move when I choose to.”

“But it’s like you’re an earth pony in disguise. I even offered to get you into a school to learn how to actually use magic, and you’ve adamantly refused even the notion of using magic.”

I walked around to the door. “Sometimes the easier thing to do, in this case, magic, is just the lamer option. See ya in three days, Mr. Mint.” I nodded to Flip as I walked out from behind the counter. “I’ll see you around, Flipper! Don’t burn the place down when you mop!”

“Ey buck off, Fruit! I only burnt three patties today!”

“And the grill!”

“Buck you!” Flip and I had a good laugh, and I was gone.

I stepped inside my house to a really good smell. Fuck, why is Chrysalis so good at cooking? Like we’ve been living together for at least a month, nearly two at this point, and every night Chryssy whips together something absolutely amazing. It makes me kinda mad because… Chrysalis doesn’t even need to actually eat food. Not in a normal sense at least.

From what I have been told by Big Buggy, food is about as nutritious as eating for changelings. The positive emotions(Chrysalis won’t tell me what emotions exactly) were more than enough to keep Chrysalis going. She then just eats the food she makes because it would be ‘rude to let you eat alone’ and that Chrysalis can actually taste food, so eating said food is more for pleasure rather than survival.

“How was work?” Chrysalis asked. Okay first thing I notice is that Chrysalis is wearing a dress and a nice sun hat.

“It was boring, but not too bad. What’s with the dress?”

“I was hoping to go on a date with somepony after I feed you,” Chrysalis answered. I put my hat on the coat rack, trotted over, and sat down at the dinner table to finally begin to relax. “Tonight I made… Chicken soup. I know it probably isn’t the most savory thing for ponies, but I know you aren’t exactly a pony, and yes, you can digest chicken even if it might not be pleasant on the way out. I’ve done some research.”

A bowl of the dish was planted in front of me and I took a whiff. Oh my god that is heavenly. God I love this woman.

“So, who do you plan on dating?” Chrysalis just gave me a dead stare, before planting her own bowl on the opposite side of the table from where I was sitting. “Uh… did I say something wrong?”

“Well, Fruit Punch, I was hoping to ask you out on a date. It won’t be anything spectacular, but I believe it is traditional to get to know your love interests over a meal?” Chrysalis asked.

“Well… Yeah it is…” Wait what? “W-whoa! Me? You wanted to take me out on a date?”

“Of course. I know that you love me; I can taste it. On top of that, I have, for the last month, been dropping hints that I would like to court you. But because you are an adorably stupid stallion, you didn’t pick up on any of my hints. So here we are, a nice dinner, on a beautiful night. A beautiful mare and a rather dashing stallion if I must say so myself,” Chrysalis grinned. “You’re quite the optical treat if you don’t know it.”

“W-well… I uh…” Jesus christ. Fuck it! What is the worst that can go wrong? It’s just dating somebody that I happen to like, and Chrysalis is quite warm and cuddly… “Yes, I would love to share a meal with you, Ms. Chrysalis.”

Chrysalis brought a hoof up to her lips and giggled. “Keep that up, and it will be Mrs. Chrysalis Punch to you, my dear stallion.”

What?

“And then I had to tell Cocoon that he could not, absolutely couldn’t just go feed a rock to a nymph that hasn’t even grown its fangs yet.”

“So Cocoon… tried to feed a baby a rock?” I asked. Chrysalis nodded. “What the fuck?”

“My questions exactly. I love my drones, I really do, but some of them can be… quite a dull on the edges. They’re like ponies, some are incredibly smart, others are incredibly dumb. But as their Queen, I love them all the same, and would do anything for them. So if nothing else, I at least taught Cocoon a lesson in how to properly care for a child.”

“Say… since you’re a bug, aren’t you every drone’s mother?”

“Yes… and no. In a sense, every drone does consider me to be a second mother to them, and I love to treat my drones as such, but biologically I am not every drone’s mother. Every drone has their own parents and family units, and at last, I have noling in my own family unit. The last of my family unit had passed on from old age a century ago… And with how I try to claim pony stallions for my mate on occasion, I simply could not maintain my family unit.”

Chrysalis reclined in her chair. “But it is comforting to know that, for any reason, a drone may seek me out and ask for a hug, advice, anything really. In a sense, every drone is my child, and I love them all as such.”

“That… Huh. That’s pretty cool. What does a changeling look like? Well, a normal changeling, and not a queen.” I asked.

“That depends… are you willing to take a couple weeks off of work? I can quite possibly bring you to the Hive and have you meet some of my drones. Like any children, my drones get a bit suspicious of any non-changeling stallions I begin to fall in love with. So I would like to introduce you to the Hive and get them acquainted with you…” Chrysalis magicked our bowls over to the sink.

“So, Fruit. What was your family like?”

“I wouldn’t really know. It’s been about ten, twelve years since I last spoke to my parents. I don’t have any siblings, no cousins that I know of. My parents disowned me for wanting to pursue a career in psychology, and I've only gotten strongly worded letters from them since.”

“And what are these ‘strongly worded letters’ about?”

“Long fancy ways of telling me I’m a failure. Sometimes I am in for a treat, and the letter ends off with telling me I should honorably kill myself.”

“What?” Chrysalis shouted. “I am going to find a way to find the dimension you are from, and I am going to slowly torture your parents until they die from blood loss. Nopony, noling, nobody who talks to their children like that deserves to be alive. Your parents are foul, horrible creatures that do not deserve happiness.”

“Ah, so my parents telling me to kill myself isn’t normal?” I asked.

“Do not joke about this, Fruit Punch.” I was lifted up by Chrysalis’s magic, and pulled into a hug. “Just know that I will forever be here for you, and I will love you even when you are old and gray.” Chrysalis then planted a kiss on my forehead. “Tonight was quite pleasant, and you’re a delightful little stallion. I love you.”

Chrysalis then picked me up and carried me off to bed.

After asking, I was given a month off of work, because… Mr. Mint is just that cool. Seriously, if the man wants somebody dead, I would kill that somebody for Mr. Mint.

Pony boss is the best boss.

“Are you ready to visit… my homeland?” Chrysalis, as Crystal Clear, asked.

“Yeah. Your drones won’t immediately murder me, right?”

Crystal Clear giggled. “No, they won’t unless you physically assault me in front of them. For the most part, they’ll probably just stare at you, because it has been quite a while since I’ve brought a stallion home.”

“Cool.” The two of us walked on the train and got ready for the two day long trip ahead of us.

Chrysalis

My eyes slowly opened, it’s been about eight, maybe nine hours since the train ride started, and Fruit was nice enough to let me use him as a pillow. In fact, Fruit was more than happy to hold me close and shower me in love and affection, which tasted great, but also felt great to receive. This stallion, this wonderful little stallion, is probably the only pony I’ve managed to date without having to hide who I am. Usually stallions I happen to marry think I’m somepony else, and don’t truly fall in love with me.

Or at times, I kidnap the bride, and end up living a loveless marriage. Which was exactly why I was in Canterlot when… chaos broke loose, I suppose. Even with my age and experience, that whole debacle was quite horrifying, and Fruit had dragged me out to somewhere possibly safer and then had stayed with me the whole time. To top it all off, this wonderful little thing, my precious little predator, had offered me a place to stay.

And because of Fruit, I can now siphon love from a stallion that I actually love. That’s right, Princess of Food, I’ll leave you alone for another century, or until my Hive is desperate for food.

Fruit Punch slowly woke up, as his eyes just snapped open, and he looked down at me. The pretty little unicorn that was using his neck as a pillow. “Are we there yet…” Fruit slurred. I could hear Fruit possibly swallow some drool, which was good. I didn’t want my fake coat to get wet, because despite it being fake, I can still feel it. However, because of this stallion, I would tolerate getting covered in a little slobber.

“No Fruit, we are not at the drop off point yet. Worry not, there’s only a few more hours left of the trip.”

“Cool.” Fruit looked down at me for a second, like he was contemplating something, and then… oh that feels good. That feels really… Okay yeah, I am kidnapping this stallion at a later date, and I am going to appoint him to the Royal Groomer, as this is wonderful… Did Fruit not state his species wasn’t one for grooming at some point? If that is the case… then how did Fruit- actually, why should I care? It feels good.

You know, as much as I like having Chryssy be about the size of a normal mare when disguised, I do miss being able to just see Big Buggy as she usually is at home. Y’know, like a giant bug horse that could easily bite my head off at any moment. But I will admit, having Chrysalis be fun sized is really fun too, because I get to hold my girlfriend, or was it marefriend? Because now I get to hold Chrysalis very close, which was good, very good.

Also, how the heck could I forget the best part about Chrysalis? She purrs! I had read… a book or two on grooming after Chryssy and I became a couple. Why? None in particular, I only wanted to study up on grooming because that seemed like it would be a nice, awesome little skill to have. Because why wouldn’t a guy like me want to know how ponies, and I guess changelings now, groom each other?

Okay, making Chrysalis purr is the only reason why I did some reading on the subject, but can you blame me? Chrysalis Purrs are adorable!

“Fruit, if you want me to marry you, all you have to do is ask…” Chrysalis purred in pure bliss.

“Well… marriage would be nice,” I hummed, before pulling the disguised changeling’s head into a headlock, which was more or less a hug for ponies. “I really wouldn’t mind marrying you in all seriousness, but let’s keep on dating before we consider that, alright Chryssy? Can’t get married if you don’t love the person you’re marrying.”

“You can… it just might not be a very pleasant experience. I would know from experience…”

Oh.

“You wanna… talk about it?” I asked.

“No… let’s just drop it and focus on the present. Oh look at that!” Chrysalis pointed out the window. “The drop off point!”

We had hopped off the train, and the first thing that happened was two identical ponies walked up to us, saluted Crystal Clear after sniffing her, and glared at me. “This way, your highness,” one of the ponies said, guiding Chrysalis, and by extension, me over to a carriage. “Just step inside, and we will arrive at the Hive in an hour or two.” You see, with how these guys were glaring at me, I just went along with it, because I feel like if I don’t…

I might leave without my balls, and I kinda need those.

I don’t wanna be a girl by the end of this trip, thank you.

So I hopped into the carriage after allowing Chrysalis to go first, which made her laugh. “Fruit, you do understand that in Equestria, the mare lets the stallion go first, right?”

“And we monkeys let the females go first.”

“Shall we take turns in deciding who goes first then?”

“I suppose we should. Culture differences and all.”

I sat next to a now undisguised Chrysalis, as the carriage’s windows kinda blocked out the outside world from peeking in here. “By the way, while we were cuddling, it was your job to rub up and cuddle under my chin. That’s how ponies do things at least… but I suppose it did feel nice to have a stallion try and keep me ‘safe’ while we napped.”

“Hey now, I can definitely keep you safe… with my inability and refusal to use magic.”

“I can teach you, you know. It would be a pleasure, and I get to teach you! I’ve wanted to be a teacher, but I never get the opportunity to be a teacher as most drones know what they know on a purely instinctual level.”

“Nah, I don’t want to learn magic-”

“You can learn magic tricks that’ll make me smile. And the process of teaching you would also make me very happy, Fruit Punch”

You know what? With that kind of logic, I can’t really say no can I? I can make Chrysalis happy now, and possibly make her happy again later by just learning magic? “Okay, I’ll learn magic for you, Chryssy. When do we start?” I asked.

“Well, I suppose we can use this carriage ride to get your first spark, and then we can work from there.”

“First spark?” I asked.

“A coined term for awakening your magical capabilities. Usually very young unicorns and changeling drones awake their abilities, or ignite the ‘first spark’ at quite a young age. For now, we are going to try and ignite your ‘first spark’. Then I will teach you how to consistently use your magic, then some basic magical theory, how to break down magical equations, and write them down! Oohoohoo! This will be so fun!”

Chrysalis, you are lucky that you’re adorable, hence why I am going to learn magic for you.

“Son of a bitch!” I give up, I am angry. I couldn’t even get my horn to do the glowy shit.

“Worry not! I believe I know how to ignite your first spark, my little pony…” Chrysalis nipped my rib cage. I squirmed a little, and cringed. Okay that spot’s ticklish- Why are you Chrysalis no! You evil witch! No, no, no! No!

“Gahh Chrysalis stop!” I squired and wiggled to try and get away as Chrysalis buried her snout into my ribcage and started to tickle. And she kept going. My attempts were so desperate that I even thought about just moving Chrysalis’s snout with my magic- Chrysalis randomly stopped, and now she was smirking. “You, tortuous, evil, traitor… I love you.” I wheezed. “Why are you smiling? You just spent the last five minutes trying to kill me!”

“I got you to ignite your first spark. Who knew that just tickling you was the key?” I blinked, and tried again. This time, I inadvertently raised one of Chrysalis’s hooves, before it quickly dropped. “And it seems like you’ve got the basics of telekinesis, or in spell terms, levitation, down. However! You seem to not know how to hold a magical signal just yet, but that will come in time!”

“Your highness-” the front window of the carriage opened. “We have arrived at the Hive.”

Chrysalis squealed. “Thank you, Slither and Skitter. Your services are always greatly appreciated.”

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, your highness.” One of the ponies, now changeling drones, looked directly at me. “And good luck with the rest of the Hive. Judging from how you just spent the last hour and a half learning something you don’t wish to learn, all for Chrysalis’s sake, you’ll do fine.” One of the drones said confidently. “We look forward to calling you the Hive’s king one day.”

“Uh…” I was gonna be what one day?

Also, those drones, with those big ol’ eyes and cute little fangs… God dammit, I am not gonna want to leave the Hive after today.

Author's Note

Fruit will get silently judged next chapter.

Also Skitter and Scatter might show up next chapter.

and most importantly, Fruit will pat bugs next chapter.

Well, Celestia Wasn’t Celestia. She Was Just Hungry and Needed a Snicker Bar. I guess.
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Not So Funny Story

Well, Celestia Wasn’t Celestia. She Was Just Hungry and Needed a Snicker Bar. I guess.

On the train, I simply sighed, it was the middle of the night. Chrysalis was fast asleep and so was Cozy Glow. Chrysalis figured that Sunset Shimmer wouldn’t need a warden, so we let her go ahead and take her tour of Equestria on her own. It would do some good for Sunset’s psyche if she did it alone even if she wanted me to come with her if I was gonna do the same anyways. Of course she wasn’t happy when she heard I was bailing on that, but uh… then she figured out why I wasn’t continuing the tour with her. Then Cozy spent several minutes staring at me with a ‘please help me’ face while Sunset started squealing about how cute she was.

I did help, but very reluctantly; Cozy looked adorable while being snuggled like that.

Cozy Glow was happily snuggled into my side, snoring away, and making me wonder how the fuck I’m gonna raise a kid. On one hand, Chrysalis has thousands of surrogate children that she has experience with, so she could help me out a bit. I don’t have that experience, and even with my marefriend, soon to be fiance, I’ll probably end up stumbling anyways. The only reason why I probably won’t back out is because it’s far, far too late to back out. For one, the fact that Cozy is actually acting like a child now that she has parents to take care of her. And given how fucked up she is mentally fucked up she probably is… Putting her back in that orphanage would probably turn her into Pony Hitler.

It also didn’t help that I consider Cozy Glow to be very cute, that I already love her, and think that she deserves an actual shot at being a child while being raised by somebody who can possibly help her with her megalomania and whatever other problems she had. One thing I’ve seen mares do with their sleeping foals is wrap their tail around said sleeping baby, and that tail often acts as a blanket. I’m definitely not a mare, but like… it was cute, it sounds cute, and it would help my new child feel safer. Cozy started jerking in her sleep while I was considering the idea of covering her with my tail.

Yeah good argument, Cozy, have a good night.

I covered the squirming foal with my tail, and she stopped jerking around. Her scrunched up, almost fear riddled face, relaxed into one of pure bliss while subconsciously using her teeth to pull the tail further over her. This. This. This is the best moment of my life. I nuzzled my filly, my daughter, before finally turning in for the night.

“Hello, Fruit,” I blinked a couple times. I looked up from the computer I was typing on, where I was writing about how a shark that’s eating a cheeseburger. “Your dreams still make no sense to me at all,” Luna sat down next to me. “What the hay is a cheeseburger?” Luna read the document I was writing on in my dreams.

“You know hayburgers?”

“Of course! I still indulge in one when I can get away with it.”

“Humans have an equivalent to that, which are hamburgers. Cheeseburgers are that, but with cheese. And despite the name, hamburgers are made out of beef; cows.” Luna’s eye twitched. “Back on Earth, cows are fucking stupid, Luna. Like they can breathe air and maybe acknowledge that they can eat grass, and that eating grass continues their existence. Granted, how we humans turn said cows into food to eat is a bit awful, but cows aren’t sentient back at home.”

Luna grimaced still despite that, but chose to not comment on that. She also pretended like this conversation never happened.

“Well I’ve come bearing news, good and bad. And to also congratulate you on your new filly; she seems to love you more than you can imagine. Cozy is legitimately just dreaming about cuddling, under a tree, with you while you read a book to her.” Aw… Now I wanna do that with her! “So the good news is that Tia isn’t bucked up in the head.” Oh. “The bad news is that I cannot find her in the dream realm at all. So either Tia is in a coma, or in a cocoon for some reason. And given how Tia should definitely be asleep right now, how I cannot find her, and how I walked her back to her room before she went to bed… She should be in the dream realm. I think my sister got foalnapped, unconscious and incapable of dreaming, and is being held somewhere. It’s not all that bad, as I believe I can still locate my sister once the fake is busy with a meeting tomorrow.”

Oh. “Are you guys home already?”

“I’m a mare, Fruit, so is Tia.”

“Fuck off. and go die in a ditch”

Luma giggled(why are mares adorable?) before returning to her ‘serious mode’. “But to answer your question, we are home.”

“Cool, I think Chrysalis has a trap set up that only works on changelings. If it works, we’ll have a bug to interrogate when we get back.” Luna nodded.

“On a brighter note, I can see what your daughter is dreaming at the same time of me being here, even if I cannot interact with it, at the moment, due to me being in your dream. That nightmare she had earlier? That was a her dreaming about her biological parents abusing her and telling her she won’t surmount to anything. Right now, she’s having much, much better dreams; she has been since you laid your tail over her,” Luna smirked. “And you said you wouldn’t be good with foals should ever you have any; you seem to be doing a good job at least making her feel loved and cared for, and it’s only been a day since you’ve adopted her.” Gawd damn... if Cozy’s parents were that bad that her body jerks in while having those nightmares... Holy shit.

“ Now I’m even more terrified of fucking up while raising her; I could ruin her even more if I do mess up. So all I’m doing is teaching her right from wrong, and loving the hell out of her.”

“Which is what a parent should do. If you just do that, she’ll end out alright.”

“Do you have experience?”

“I used to adopt foals before my banishment. I would continue adopting foals now, but it turns out politics have gotten more complicated and time consuming. I picked up a thing or two from raising those foals, and let me tell you Fruit, you’ll do fine if you don’t beat Cozy, that’s what her old parents did to her judging from her nightmares.”

“I couldn’t even bring myself to raise a hoof to her, Luna. She’s an adorable little filly; I can’t hit those without feeling awful about it.” Also beating your kid for no apparent reason? Yeah, no wonder Cozy was so fucked up in the head.

Luna grinned. “It’s nearly morning, Fruit, and a certain filly is awake.” Oh.

My vision was blurry, but I could still feel Cozy’s fuzzy, little body still pushed up against my stomach. As my eyes chose to stop being drunk(now hungover), underpaid fast food employees, the little shape that think was Cozy’s face, began to clear up, and the filly was staring up at me. Her snout was cutely buried under my tail as she stared up at me. “Cozy, why are you so cute?” I nuzzled her. “Like seriously, you are criminally adorable and it’s scaring me…” I brought Cozy up and out from under my tail and laid my head over her.

“Well Dad, maybe you shouldn’t find me cute…” Cozy giggled. “That way, I can’t make you buy me chocolate.”

“Hey, that one bit got you a nice, big hunk of chocolate and it made you incredibly happy. I wasn’t gonna deny you that no matter how cute you are. You’re my child now, and I want you to be happy.” Cozy rubbed up against my neck like a cat would. “So, how did you sleep?”

“You covered me with your tail, Dad. only Moms are supposed to do that.”

“But you chose to sleep with me and not Mom.”

“Yeah…” Now Cozy was blushing. “But you still aren’t a Mom. You should be big, strong, and overprotective of me!”

“Are you complaining though?”

“No, it’s just weird that my Dad was covering me with a tail. It felt nice… your tail’s really soft.”

“Well, your Mom makes sure I’m well groomed by a professional, changeling groomer even if I said that I don’t need that.”

“Well, Mister, you are to be my husband. And you cannot look, or be, anything other than sexy around me.” Cozy giggled as I buried my face into her back to avoid the Chryssy Onslaught of Flirting. “Aw, is my Fruity-Cutie embarrassed about me finding him attractive? Or still embarrassed when I catch him staring at my flank?” Both girls in the room giggled at my expense. “Cozy, when you start dating, you must be able to give it your all, especially when it comes to flirting. So do not relent in your flirting, be brutal, indulge in it.” Chrysalis’s weight laid out upon my back. Thanks to how lightweight she actually is, it didn’t hurt. “And of course find yourself a stallion who gets embarrassed over it… that’s when you know you scored a good one.”

“Chrysalis, I am going to make you make so many sexy sounds once we get Cozy Glow settled in.” My voice was muffled by filly fur.

“And you threaten me with a good time? Fruit, I thought I knew you better than that- EEP!” I laughed after nipping Chrysalis’s wing.

Cozy was a giggly little mess, watching her adoptive parents go at it in a pillow fight. She joined in and kicked both of our asses because she’s a strong little girl, and I couldn’t defend myself. Like she actually used cuteness as a weapon and used that to pound me and Chrysalis into the ground with pillows. What the actual fuck, Cozy, I am so proud and so terrified at the same time! On the brightside, our antics ended in family cuddles though, so I wasn’t complaining.

Cozy was napping on my back while we walked through Canterlot in order to get to the main Hive. On occasion, somebody would try to accuse us of kidnapping her, but for some odd reason whenever they did, a changeling-colored baseball would hit them in the face. I don’t know why, totally not my guards playing baseball with each other, that’s for sure. Speaking of my guards, Scatter was practically begging me to let me be Cozy’s foalsitter whenever I’m not available to take care of my kid for whatever reason.

Chrysalis spoke up about that: “You know, being the caretaker of offspring that come directly from me, is an honor every female drone wishes to have. And given that Cozy is legally my daughter, I think Scatter would enjoy taking care of her, and I’m certain you wouldn’t mind having a changeling soldier. A soldier, who is very good at her job, keeping your daughter safe either. There would be no better care taker for Cozy Glow.”

“Damn right I don’t mind. However, since I don’t have a job anymore, I’m gonna be spending a lot of time with Cozy; she needs it.” Cozy was now awake and actually playing with Scatter. Not holding some sort of power over her, no, Cozy was playing with somebody without playing with their emotions. All while on my back. “Cozy, keep being cute,” I chuckled as we kept on walking. “Hey Scatter, if you wanna turn into a bear, give Cozy Glow a literal bear hug, and cradle her all the way to the Hive, go for it.”

“Yes!” Scatter then turned into a bear and scooped Cozy off my back. “Oh, I am going to love being your caretaker whenever your father or the Queen are not available.”

“...How did you turn into a bear?” Cozy Glow looked up with a mixture of wonder-filled eyes and what is naive possibly racism. Luckily that child-like wonder was more apparent.

“We changelings have an innate ability to change our shapes to suit anything,” Chrysalis turned into Cadance. “I was originally going to foalnap the pony I just turned into, but your father made me behave by being charming.” Chrysalis quickly changed back. “And doing that now would jeopardize the Hive’s main source of food, and my chances of being with your father; he probably wouldn’t be happy if I captured one of his friends and pretended to be said friend without his knowledge.”

“Cool… it’s weird though.”

“I’m gonna straighten out that pony-racism, Cozy. it’s a good thing to have; ponies were food for more carnivorous species long ago, so it makes sense that you all have that. It kept you alive, after all. But it’s not a good thing to have where your chances of being eaten are negligible at best. We live in a much more civilised age, where eating another sapient being is a taboo, after all. ” Now I want a lightsaber.

“What’s racsim?”

“Look at Chrysalis, does she seem a bit weird because she’s a changeling?” Cozy nodded. “Now, would you actually voice that if you two were having a conversation? If you two weren’t mother and child?” Cozy nodded again. “That’s basically racism. You’re a bit more innocent in it, thankfully. But some ponies have tried killing me because your mother looks weird and don’t like how I’m dating somebody that looks weird. I need to take you to Gryphus someday; get you seeing other races and how to be polite around them. You can be racist, but don’t make it apparent or obvious. Nobody likes that one guy going around and saying Zebras are ugly for having strips. Because that, that is racist as fuck.”

“But you don’t think Mom is funny looking, right”

“No, I don’t. She does look a certain way, that’s different from ponies; she’s sexy as fuck. Celestia and Luna are great and all, but Chryssy’s flanks are solid!” Cozy giggled and I snickered when Chrysalis’s face was suddenly bright red and buried her face in my face while calling me a bitch.

So I walked on up to Celestia’s chambers, by the request of Luna. What I saw was interesting. Lying on the floor was a changeling queen lying on the floor, unconscious, a tired looking Celestia(she was also unconscious), police tape(where the fuck did they get that?), and Luna peering down at the changeling Queen with murderous intent. Chrysalis was busy taking care of Cozy for me, so I know that Queen wasn’t my Chryssy.

Chryssy also had a nicer ass than the present Queen.

“So… what the fuck?”

“Ah Fruit! I believe you are a changeling expert; do you know who this Queen is?” Luna kicked the unconscious body of the unknown Queen. Why they didn’t contact Chrysalis instead of me, I don’t know. “Because she apparently had my sister in a cocoon.” I walked right up to the Queen and hummed. I brought my hoof up and caressed her cheek. “Fruit-“ I withdrew my hoof, before slapping the bug in the face.

“Wake. The. Fuck. Up. You. Biatch!” I punctuated every word with a slap.

Surprisingly, my foolproof(stupid) method worked. The Queen began to stir. “Huh…”

“Heya.”

“Oh Fruit! I did not-“

“Bitch, you're not disguised. And if you were, why would I defend you if you were actually Celestia?” I chuckled darkly. “Tell me, did you try convincing me that I killed a guy about a month and a half ago?” The Queen nodded after getting over the fact that she didn’t look like Celestia. “Cool. I owe Celestia a hug when she wakes up; a tea party too. I was genuinely afraid that Celly was psychotic. Good to know that we can keep being best friends. Me and Celestia, not you, you fucking... dumb, stupid fuck.” Yeah! Got his ass!

Not this bitch’s ass. Don’t stick your dick in crazy.

“Well Fruit, she will probably be pranking you; Tia is quite good with those,” Luna chimed in.

“Hey, that last prank involved making the press think you and I were lovers, Luna. And neither of us complained; we still decided to snuggle together in the gardens and stargaze, after all.” Fun times. I turned to the Queen. “So why did you try to be Celestia for however long?”

“Your Queen, Chrysalis, is weak. She constantly falls ponies because she ‘needs to feed her hive’. She is also about ready to marry you, has adopted a pony foal, and is willingly at peace with a race that should be her food! You just happened to be available to potentially start a war between Queen Chrysalis’s Hive,” she spat that name out. “The griffins, and Equestria. Then my Hive could come and beat down the winners; a war between the griffins and you ponies would greatly weaken both sides. Then you all would be my slaves, and Chrysalis’s Hive would be in ruins!”

Her voice echoed, like it was some great scheme.

“So what I’m hearing is… you’re racist and you want my fiancé dead?”

The enemy nodded. “Your Queen needs to die; she is weak.”

“Okay. Luna, I usually don’t request this, but would I be allowed to torture her? My laptop has a few songs that would be helpful to auditorily violate her while I use a scalpel to skin her alive. Because… I’m fucking pissed now. This cunt almost made me kill a child.”

“Well, I suppose I can allow you to do something for her. Not kill her, though. She’s going to Tartarus after you’re done.”

I maliciously turned to the Changeling Queen. “Tell me, cuntface,” yes, a creative name. “What do you know about that disney channel flow?”

“What is that?” the Queen asked.

I summoned my laptop and dragged the Queen into a closet. By the time I was done, the fucker was twitching on the floor, wide eyed, and properly traumatized. It also didn’t help that I stuck a pen in her eye, and emptied a bottle of rubbing alcohol into a wound I made with a knife. Or the gag in her mouth that tasted like I rubbed it in shit for thirty minutes.

Celestia was beginning to stir, so she got a nice, fat hug, for her nice, fat ass from me and Luna. She’ll be out of commission for a few days, and after some convincing, I think Twilight wouldn’t mind taking over for a day or two. Celly needed the rest, Twilight needed and probably wanted the responsibility, so it’d be a win-win. Oh yeah, the evil Queen fucker got chucked in Tartarus after I made her down a bottle of liquid rainbow.

I’m a horrible pony.

After I explained the situation to Chrysalis, she simply shrugged. “I knew my older sister was a bitch, but did she really have to cocoon one of my ex’s to try and murder me?”

“Wat?”

“That was my sister, Fruit.”

“And she wanted to kill you?”

“She did.”

“…The fuck?”

“I know. That one was psychotic.” Bitch, you’re telling m! That bitch tried getting me to murder a baby!

“Well, I’m gonna go tuck Cozy Glow in. And probably go to sleep too; I had to sit through terrible music with your sister. The music was so bad that it paralyzed her, Chrysalis. It’s a wonderful thing really, how somebody popular thinks they have musical talent, and then proceeds to make the worst thing in the existence of everything ever.” Chrysalis tilted her head.

“What kinda music could be that bad?”

“No Chrysssy, bad. You do not wanna listen to what your sister listened to.” Chrysalis shrugged, and I left her in our room so I could go tuck our daughter in. Cozy’s room was pretty simple; she just got it after all. Cozy was resting on a sleeping circle, with a blanket pulled halfway up, and she was reading a Daring Do book. “Hey kiddo. How was Scatter?”

“She made pudding. It was really good!” Cozy put the book down. “Can you tuck me in? My… mother and father never tucked me in.”

“…Your actual parents?” Cozy nodded.

“You’re Dad, and Chrysalis is Mom. Terms of endearment; I actually think I can actually love you two. I can tell you two care about me too. Mother and father… were monsters.”

“Well, I’m here to sing you a lullaby and tuck you in.” Cozy got all giddy and clapped her hooves. “You are grounded for being cute.” Her face fell. “Nah, being cute isn't bad. You can’t help being a cute, little, adorable filly that does cute things on accident. You just give me heartburn by being cute.” I laid down next to her in the sleeping circle. Cozy rested her head on my stomach, and I covered us with my tail and the blanket. “Comfy?” Cozy quickly nodded, her nose just poking out from under the blanket. Do I need to say it?

My daughter is the most adorable thing I’ve laid my eyes on.

“This is still a very Mom thing to do… I like it though.”

“Good, because I’ll do this as much as I can.” That sweet little smile of hers made my heart melt. “I’m impressed; you haven’t tried to manipulate me after I first found out about your manipulation prowess.” Aside from just being cute and me being a little bitch for anything cute.

“…Again, you are scarily good at seeing through it. Manipulation is my cutie mark after all.”

“No, it’s a rook. That could mean anything. You could be really good at chess, or direct and strong like a rook is in chess. Sure, it could be manipulation too, but your cutie mark doesn’t have one meaning. It is what its bearer thinks it is. Don’t be defined by your cutie mark, Cozy.”

“I… Everypony told me that my cutie mark meant one thing.”

“Well, I got a jack in the box on my butt, and that can mean many things. I could be a jackass, a jack of trades, a joker, full of surprises, anything. So far, I’m leaning towards jack of all traits; I have a good range of skills, but haven’t perfected them yet. What do you think your mark means?”

“I… don’t know anymore. Am I meant to be evil? Is that my mark?”

“Cozy, nobody is born evil. Nobody has to be evil. Who you are is defined by your actions and how others see your actions. Simply be a good pony, do good things. And if you are good at manipulating ponies, cool, get into politics and become a mayor so you can hopefully satiate your megalomania, and try to get good laws written down while you’re in office…” I nuzzled Cozy. “You’re not evil, please, for my sake, do not become evil. I’d hate to have to fight my own daughter because she wanted to burn my country to the ground.”

“I… I don’t want to make you hate me.” I nuzzled her, which shocked her.

“Nobody wants to be hated; love’s where it’s at, after all. It’s the best part of being alive… say, you want that lullaby now? It’s getting late, and cute, little fillies should be resting for a day of playing and getting her Dad to buy her more candy.”

“Promise me you won’t leave me when I fall asleep?” I nodded. “Okay…”

I ponder upon the waiting…” As I began to sing, Cozy started waving her head side to side on beat with the imaginary bears to the song I was singing. By the end of it, I was bone-dead-tired, and Cozy was snoring away like the adorable little thing she was. Today was a good day. Wake up, pillow fight my daughter, get home, find out that one of my best friends isn’t a psychopath, and then I get to give life lessons to her and cuddle with that daughter to end it all off?

Best day ever… My head dropped to the floor and I was out like a light.

“So that’s what happened while you were gone!”

“Fruit, you didn’t say anything. You just opened up with that, took a seat, and started dumping tea into a cup of sugar.” Celestia chuckled. “I like your sense of humor, but I would genuinely like to know what happened during my absence.”

“Your doppelgänger stuck me in jail for murder. It turns out I shoulda just got some self defence charges though; I only defended myself from a guy that tried to murder me.”

“And it would’ve remained as self-defence charges if you did kill that pony...”

“Then your doppelgänger tried to get me to murder a child so it would instigate a war. Then I reopened trade between Equestria, got a peace treaty with the griffins and Chrysalis’s Hive, and didn’t murder a baby in the process.”

“...How did you reopen trade? The griffins didn’t even want to hear me out when I asked to open negotiations.”

“I called the king a bitch; he liked that I had guts and heard me out.”

“...You’re lucky that he didn’t kill you on the spot.”

“Yeah. How are you feeling though? Being in a cocoon is only comfy if you willingly put yourself in it.”

“I feel a bit sleep deprived, but I am mostly fine. I don’t think that cocoon was meant to drain me. It is good to be back though; now nopony can ruin my image.”

“So you won’t make me do fucked up shit if I commit a crime?”

“Heavens no! I’d make you spend a month in jail over self defence at the most! And if you are accused of killing somepony unprovoked, I would at least hold a trial for you. I maybe old, but I do not lack sympathy, Fruit. If I made you kill somepony to cover up your dirty history, it would ruin you, and it would ruin a good friend.” I walked around the table and started using Celestia as a pillow. “Oh? You wish to get cuddly? How scandalous!”

“You’re plush; you make a good pillow.”

“...You just called me fat.” I spent the rest of the day having to ride on Celestia’s back like a foal. Oh, and then her pet Phoenix spent all day torturing(by singing horribly) me because it somehow understood that I called its owner fat on accident.

Glad Tia’s back, not a psycho, and still fun to hangout with.

Author's Note

thus, loveable, huggable celestia is back.