The Replacement Letters

by Ellington

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

I own a machine that allows me to go into the TV; and I use it to go into MLP:FIM to hack into Spike's fire and replace the letters to Celestia with new letters that will get the characters in trouble. Ain't I a stinker?

These are the letters that are sent to Celestia in my adventures for your enjoyment.

Chapters

2. The Ticket Master
3. Applebuck Season
4. Griffon The Brush Off
5. Boast Busters
6. Dragonshy
7. Look Before You Sleep
10. Winter Wrap Up
11. Call Of The Cutie
12. Fall Weather Friends
13. Suited For Success
14. Feeling Pinkie Keen
15. Sonic Rainboom
16. Stare Master
17. The Show Stoppers
18. A Dog And Pony Show
20. Over A Barrel
22. The Cutie Mark Chronicles
23. Owls Well That Ends Well
24. Party Of One
25. The Best Night Ever
27. Lesson Zero
28. Luna Eclipsed
29. Sisterhooves Social
30. The Cutie Pox
31. May The Best Pet Win
32. The Mysterious Mare Do Well
34. Secret Of My Excess
36. Family Appreciation Day
37. Baby Cakes
38. The Last Roundup
39. Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
40. Read It And Weep
41. Hearts And Hooves Day
42. A Friend In Deed
43. Putting Your Hoof Down
44. It's About Time
46. Hurricane Fluttershy
47. Ponyville Confidential
48. MMMystery On The Friendship Express
49. A Canterlot Wedding
50. The Crystal Empire
51. Too Many Pinkie Pies
52. One Bad Apple
53. Magic Duel
54. Sleepless In Ponyville
55. Wonderbolts Academy
56. Apple Family Reunion
58. Keep Calm And Flutter On
59. Just For Sidekicks
60. Games Ponies Play
61. Magical Mystery Cure
62. Princess Twilight Sparkle
64. Daring Don't
65. Flight To The Finish
66. Power Ponies
67. Bats!
68. Rarity Takes Manehattan
70. Rainbow Falls
71. Three's A Crowd
72. Pinkie Pride
73. Simple Ways
74. Filli Vanilli
75. Twilight Time
76. It Ain't Easy Being Breezies
77. Somepony To Watch Over Me
79. Maud Pie
80. For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils
78. Double Rainboom
Testing Testing 1 2 3
8. Bridle Gossip
9. Swarm Of The Century
19. Green Isn't Your Color
21. A Bird In The Hoof
26. The Return Of Harmony
33. Sweet And Elite
35. Hearth's Warming Eve
45. Dragon Quest
57. Spike At Your Service
63. Castle Mane-ia
69. Pinkie Apple Pie
81. Leap Of Faith
1. Pilot Episodes

2. The Ticket Master
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The Replacement Letters

2. The Ticket Master

Dear Celestia

Today was the worst day of my life. If this is your idea of a joke then I better tell you that I'm NOT laughing. THE ENTIRE TOWN CHASED AFTER ME FOR THOSE CRAZY TICKETS! THE ENTIRE TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was chased by the entire town all day, so I'm sending these two horrors you dare call tickets. And don't even THINK about trying to suck up to me with more tickets. It's not like you ever invited me before (YOUR OWN 'FAITHFUL STUDENT'!!!!!!)

Sincerely: Twilight Sparkle

PS: Queen it up! You're NOT a princess you're a queen. Deal with it.

3. Applebuck Season
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The Replacement Letters

3. Applebuck Season

Dear Celestia

My friend Applejack learned that being a stinkin' workaholic that won't accept help will get her in big doo doo trouble. She caused a stampede of crazy rabbits, poisoned many ponies (including my friend Pinkie Pie), and launched Rainbow Dash with a catapult onto my balcony. But enough about that boob AJ, lets talk about my silly lizard Spike; he apparently likes to eat worms, so from now on that's all the spoiled little brat ever gets to eat.

Twilight Sparkle.

PS: You stink.

4. Griffon The Brush Off
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The Replacement Letters

4. Griffon The Brush Off

Dear Princess-Who-Should-Be-A-Queen

Those good for nothing 'friends' of mine Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash replaced all my ink with disappearing ink and ruined my hard work (Why am I bothering with friendship?). Then after what Pinkie did to me she had the gull to come to me, after Rainbow Dash's friend Gilda the griffon tried to murder her, for advice. Well I just gave her the cold shoulder and accused her of being possessive. NOPONY RUINS MY WORK!!! NOPONY!!!!!!!!!!

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash are not my friends anymore.

5. Boast Busters
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5. Boast Busters

Dear Sunny

I had to save this pathetic town from an ursa minor. No thanks to a talentless unicorn named Trixie and two stinkhead colts named Snips and Snails. Trixie kept bragging that she's the most powerful unicorn in all of Equestria (but never put her money where her mouth is). Why didn't Mayor Mare throw Trixie out of town when she committed assault on my friends? Why didn't I throw her out of town for assaulting my friends?

Twilight

PS: My dumb lizard Spike thinks that hair will get him Rarity. Is it even LEGAL for a dragon to date a pony?

6. Dragonshy
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6. Dragonshy

Dear Celestia

We got the dragon to beat it, or should I say Fluttershy The Chicken did. That coward actually managed to scare off a dragon, that turned out to actually be a child (in behavior anyway). But before Fluttershy sent the beast off, she tried to desert us. What a selfish punk, she even almost got us killed with a rockslide.

Maybe next time you could, oh I don't know, SEND MY STINKIN' BROTHER AND SOME TROOPS TO SEND THE BEAST OFF!

Twilight Sparkle

7. Look Before You Sleep
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7. Look Before You Sleep

Dear Celestia The Goon

Today two of my friends and I are having a slumber party, even though we're too old for those things; maybe next time I could go to high school or something ridiculous like that.

Anyway, Rarity kept ruining the party with her annoying tendencies. Rarity even caused a tree to fall down, making AJ accidentally pull the falling tree into my bedroom, and what does Rarity do? She ignores the mess, leaving a whole tree in my room. Are you sure she's the element of generosity? She seems to be rather selfish to me.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: I'll never invite you or Rarity to my next sleepover.

10. Winter Wrap Up
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10. Winter Wrap Up

Dear Celestia

Why can't the planet's axis make winter and spring? That would be convenient like nopony's beeswax. Spike says that the 'proper' way is with unicorn power, but the 'proper' way is with the planet's axis.

I learned that I'm the boss of the world...WHAT AM I SAYING!? I'm just the average run-of-the-mill unicorn. So all I learned is that this town would be nothing without me.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: I let Spike catch a cold by not waking him up before the ice he was standing on melted, and made him fall in the lake.

11. Call Of The Cutie
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The Replacement Letters

11. Call Of The Cutie

Dear Celestia

My friend Applejack is a bad parental figure; she tried to force her sister Applebloom to hang with a bad crowd. Cutie marks are not even that useful; just a bunch of symbols on our thighs that tell us what to do. WE should be telling 'Destiny' what to do, not the other way around.

Applebloom was being teased by two fillies (Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon) for having a blank flank. Even though those two's cutie marks are practically blank flank symbols.

Twilight Sparkle.

PS: Why did I just stand and watch a filly get bullied? I guess I'm a hypocrite.

12. Fall Weather Friends
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12. Fall Weather Friends

Dear Celestia

I got to compete in the Running Of The Leaves Race!!! And even did a great job at it. I just wish my 'friends' didn't tease me for entering. I try my luck at racing and what do those two pukes do (namely Rainbow Dash, who cheats) they tease me for it. Why can't a nerd like me race? I'll bet YOU raced before, and YOU'RE a nerd.

What's this rule I hear about only ponies being aloud to compete in that ridiculous race? That's just prejudice!!!!

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Why don't those leaves fall on their own?

13. Suited For Success
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13. Suited For Success

Dear Celestia

My friends and I got to drive Rarity ragged making a bunch of goofy getups. What fun. I even almost got the little twerp out of business at her stupid boutique. In front of Hoity Toity himself. I guess I'll be going to the gala dressed in a star-styled dress. After that we got Rarity's cat stuck in a tree. YEAH!!!!!!!!

Twilight Sparkle

14. Feeling Pinkie Keen
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14. Feeling Pinkie Keen

Dear Celestia

I just exploded. Oh, and Pinkie Pie belongs in a straight jacket; and I almost got eaten by a hydra. I didn't even teleported to safety; I guess I'm not so powerful after all.

Pinkie claims to have a sixth sense; she needs help. Or at least medication to treat her ADHD.

Twilight Sparkle

15. Sonic Rainboom
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15. Sonic Rainboom

Dear Celestia

I managed to make Rarity into a butterfly-winged pony, does that count as extra credit? Why is time travel easy, but giving a non-pegasus wings, and changing somepony's age hard? That seems rather weird; just like those three stooges who bullied Rainbow Dash back in the day claiming that the sonic rainboom doesn't exist when they saw it with their own eyes when they were colts.

Twilight Sparkle

16. Stare Master
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16. Stare Master

Dear Celestia

Last night I was turned to stone by a cockatrice, because I apparently don't know how to avert my eyes. The only reason that I'm capable of sending this letter is because my friend Fluttershy managed to freak out the dragon/chicken with her 'stare'.

Before that, Fluttershy offered to babysit the three babies Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom. They are a huge hooffull. I'm surprised that she managed to do half a good job that she did. Maybe she could babysit Luna sometime.

Twilight Sparkle

17. The Show Stoppers
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17. The Show Stoppers

Dear Celestia

My friend's sisters Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and that pathetic flightless pegasus Scootaloo (seriously, I thought what they did to grounded pegasi was banish them to the Everfree forest to live the rest of their lives off the land, assuming they survive at all), tried getting cutie marks at their school's talent show. Applebloom actually used her kung fu moves as a form of dancing; Sweetie Belle tried to make the decor, and did a miserable job; and Scootaloo nearly made me deaf with her bad singing.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Those brats even ruined all my dumb dragon's hard work at reshelving.

18. A Dog And Pony Show
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18. A Dog And Pony Show

Dear Celestia

A bunch of mangy, pathetic, crybaby dogs called 'The Diamond Dogs' foalnapped the element of generosity (who is NOT generous), only to lose a good slave because they can't take a little whining.

One thing's for sure, Rarity owes my lizard Spike many gems.

Twilight Sparkle

20. Over A Barrel
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20. Over A Barrel

Dear Celestia

The town of Appleloosa briefly declared war on the poor Buffalo and WHY you ask? Because Applejack wouldn't let the Appleloosans negotiate.

Fortunately for the Buffalo we ponies are less skilled at fighting buffalo than butterflies are at fighting frogs. Those buffalo had horns and all the Appleloosans had were pies, of all things.

Everything is fine now, but the Appleloosans now have to pay the Buffalos rent.

Twilight Sparkle.

22. The Cutie Mark Chronicles
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22. The Cutie Mark Chronicles

Dear Celestia

Today I learned some evil force is restricting our lives to something called 'destiny'. We need to put a stop to it before it makes ponies' 'destinies' to suffer...or worse! Whatever it is, we need to act fast.

Apppearantly it's called 'fate'; but 'fate' will never get me alive. I just hope it's somewhat easy to remove a cutie mark; unlike tattoos.

Twilight Sparkle who is not fate's puppet.

PS: That means NO ALICORN ME!

23. Owls Well That Ends Well
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23. Owls Well That Ends Well

Dear Celestia

My former slave Spike is now obsolete. Now I got a better slave (an owl) who works without sleep both day and night instead of just the day. I offer Spike to you to be studied at the Canterlot Labs, just come and pick the useless drake up.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Why do I use quills? Aren't pencils more practical?

24. Party Of One
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24. Party Of One

Dear Celestia

Today my friend Pinkie Pie just went more crazy than normal. I'm telling you, this mare needs to be institutionalized. She's nuts.

This proves Pinkie's Pinkie Senses don't exist, if it did she'd have known we were planning a party for her birthday; but no, Pinkie thought we didn't want to be her friends anymore (I'm sure tempted to not be her friend anymore).

As for my drake Spike; he sure doesn't know how to handle himself when being questioned. What is he to do if he gets arrested for stealing all those jewels?

Twilight Sparkle

25. The Best Night Ever
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25. The Best Night Ever

Dear Celestia

You are quite a rebel aren't you? Nice.

Why didn't you just SAY that you wanted us to trash the party? We'd have Pinkie Pie bring her party cannon then and fill it full of paint and she'd shoot it at a wall and write 'Celestia's cutie mark is a tattoo' on it. There, now I'M a rebel too.

How can Blueblood be your nephew? I don't see the family resemblance, he hasn't any wings.

Twilight Sparkle

27. Lesson Zero
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27. Lesson Zero

Dear Celestia

Thanks for nothing you overgrown baboon. Now my friends have to live with the horror of writing letters to you. After what happened to Ponyville today I don't think it'll survive having six mares making more chaos.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go fight Big Macintosh to get my stuffed donkey back.

28. Luna Eclipsed
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28. Luna Eclipsed

Dear Celestia

You're wicked little sister came to town and scared the hay out of the villagers by threatening to feast on them. She also even made a swarm of spiders attack the townsponies. Is Luna crazy or something? I understand that she's been on the moon with no air no food or water; but attacking the whole town with spiders? I think you need to have a word with Luna before she causes a famine or causes the moon to fall to the earth and destroy us all. Luna has already struck my friend Rainbow Dash with lightning.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Nightmare Night is a stupid holiday, it should be canceled before somepony gets killed by a 'harmless prank'.

29. Sisterhooves Social
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29. Sisterhooves Social

Dear Celestia

My sister Sweaty Belle is a spoiled brat; she cleaned my room, drew me a picture washed my sweater, she dared to want to hang out with me, she liquified some toast toast (how bad a cook can she possibly be) made me get mud all over me, and got bullied by me.

My mother wears pants, I guess it's HER who wears the pants in the family.

The sheep at Sweet Apple Acres can talk; does that mean AJ has slaves? Or the cows and goats for that matter.

Sincerely Rarity

30. The Cutie Pox
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30. The Cutie Pox

Dear Celestia

I got cutie pox today, luckily there's a curer for this disease without a cure. Thanks to a zebra who can probably get rid of those two feathery growths on your back, and maybe remove those sun tattoos on your thighs.

Maybe my cutie mark is of writing insulting letters like this one, I wonder what a cutie mark like that would look like?

Guess not...I'm still a blank flank like you princess (not to mention like the school bullies Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon)

Applebloom (Applejack's little sister)

31. May The Best Pet Win
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31. May The Best Pet Win

Dear Celestia

Today I abused a bunch of animals, and when I got trapped in a gorge I wanted help from them; I sure as hay wouldn't have helped THEM if one of THEM got trapped. I guess my friends are right in saying I shouldn't have a pet, I'm less responsible than Pinkie Pie.

On second thought, I'll keep an animal that can't live in my house for a pet. Maybe I'll use my new pet tortoise as a door stopper.

Maybe I should have one of those quarray eels as a pet. That would be cool.

Sincerely Rainbow The Dangerous Mare Dash

32. The Mysterious Mare Do Well
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32. The Mysterious Mare Do Well

Dear Celestia

My 'friends' dared to humiliate me. ME! RAINBOW DASH! And why? Just to be unnecessarily cruel to me. I say you should make them each write 'I will be a better friend to Rainbow' 500 times on a chalkboard.

Humility? HA! I don't need no humility!

I go around saving ponies' lives and what thanks do I get, I get smacked in the face by Granny Smith. When will Applejack send that mare to a home?

Rainbow Danger Professionalism Miriam Ashley Ernie Petersburg Cool Awesome Dash

PS: Spike's a ghost.

34. Secret Of My Excess
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34. Secret Of My Excess

Dear Celestia

Today I destroyed Ponyville because I wanted a bunch of useless garbage such as a broom. Do I get tough guy points for defeating the Wonderbolts in battle? What wimps; they couldn't beat a barn in battle.

WHAT SPIKE WAAAAANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIKE GEEEEEEEEEETS!!!!!!!!! AND I WANT TO BE KING!!!!!!!!

So get lost Celestia

Spike The Dragon

PS: It's Cheerilee's fault I destroyed Ponyville.

36. Family Appreciation Day
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36. Family Appreciation Day

Dear Celestia

My grandma is crazy. She painted dots all over the kitchen wall, made me sing to some water, let a swarm of bees swarm around her, bites on pots and pans without buying them, talks to glass jars, thinks the school bullies are my sister's friends, and claims to have been alive hundreds of years ago. Maybe it's time we sent her to a home before she does something outright horrible, like accept a bribe from Spike to not tell us that he's mistreating our pets. If this town really was founded by us, then Ponyville would be called something like Appletown, or Zap City or something; plus we'd be wealthier than we are.

Applejack

37. Baby Cakes
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37. Baby Cakes

Dear Celestia

I tried my luck at foalsitting a couple of brats, even though I myself probably needs a chaperone more than the Cake twins do. Those twerps were crazy, they hated everything they normally do like, and even though everything is fine now, I think Pound and Pumpkin Cake are mutants. They're babies that can fly and walk through walls. Since when was THAT possible.

Basically I learned that responsibility is SOOO overrated. I think I'll continue with being my usual childish self.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna put a whoopee cushion on Cheerilee's seat at the local schoolhouse.

Pinkie Pie

PS: I left those two infants alone in a bathtub full of water briefly.

38. The Last Roundup
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38. The Last Roundup

Dear Celestia

Derpy destroyed town hall so I was forced to donate my award money for that round up contest so those pukes can fix town hall; since Mayor Mare spends all of Ponyville's budget on useless celebrations and grey hair dye. Well the jokes on them, I didn't win any loot. But to avoid getting killed by that crazy mayor I was forced to run and hide from her. But my 'friends' are on her side so I'm being forced to go back home.

Applejack

PS: We left Pinkie and Rarity lost in the desert.

39. Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
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39. Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

Dear Celestia

Today my crazy grandmother of mine almost cost us all Sweet Apple Acres; she made a bet that we could make more cider than a cider making machine.

Seriously, we had everything to lose and little to nothing to gain.

Why do I listen to that nut job Granny Smith? She might one day send us floating into a subterranean river cave with monsters that make everfree beasts look like cute little duckies or something.

Luckily I didn't die John Henry style, but instead we managed to make all the cider we can drink and never let Rainbow Dash have.

Applejack

PS: I learned nothing; you want to make something of it princess!?!

40. Read It And Weep
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40. Read It And Weep

Dear Celestia

Today I got into reading. Now I'm a nerd.

Rainbow Nerd Dash The Nerd Of Nerdiness Of The Nerd Dynasty

41. Hearts And Hooves Day
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41. Hearts And Hooves Day

Dear Celestia

What is it with Big Mac (Applebloom's big brother) and mind tricks never wearing off? Twilight used the Want It Need It powerskill and Big Mac loved a doll but never grew out of it, and NOW he's in love with a mare he knows little about. And after all the trouble we went through to cure those two. We even had to turn poor Berry Punch's house into a mobile home.

Did we forget to mention we tried to force two ponies to fall in love with each other? Boy, how evil can we possibly get?

Your rebellious little subjects Applebloom Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle

PS: Blame it on Twilight

42. A Friend In Deed
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42. A Friend In Deed

Dear Celestia

I'm a nutty mare who can't make friends but managed to make friends with the entire town somehow. I guess what I learned is that when at first you don't succeed hurt, torture and vandalize ponies' property and privacy again; since the best way to make friends to to NOT be a friend.

Pinkie Pie

PS: Maybe I can start rummaging through the castle in the Everfree and find of really embarrassing pictures of you and luna and give them out so everypony can see them.

43. Putting Your Hoof Down
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43. Putting Your Hoof Down

Dear Celestia

Today I beat the stuffing out of two old fogeys and a tourist, and insulted Pinkie and Rarity because they live pointless pursuits that nopony gives a flying feather about. I wasn't even half this mean when I was discorded. And then my friends and I had the gall to blame a poor minotaur for all of this.

I can see that goats are intelligent, even though I keep them as pets. Boy am I a jerk or what?

Next time I'll just eat my pet rabbit Angel, since he's so evil that he threw me out of my own house.

Fluttershy

PS: You're invited to my BBQ party next week. We're serving rabbit.

44. It's About Time
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44. It's About Time

Dear Celestia

I broke into the Star Swirl The Bearded Wing to stop time because Myself from the future wanted to tell me something important but I ignored her like a jerk.

The way I was sneaking around I now know I'll be prepared if a former student of yours' steals one of the elements of harmony and hides in a high school in another world. All I'd need to do is put on some black tights and sneak into the school and get the element back.

But until then I'll steal gems from jewelry stores for Spike to eat.

Twilight Sparkle

46. Hurricane Fluttershy
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46. Hurricane Fluttershy

Dear Celestia

Today I was insignificant and it was enough; so I learned that putting real effort in life is underrated. So from now on I'll just do the bare minimum.

Meanwhile Spitfire the Wonderbolt can do even less than the bare minimum since she did even less than THAT for helping to prevent drought the world over; or worse, putting the Cloudsdale Factory out of business.

Fluttershy who will hardly fly from now on

PS: Couldn't unicorns that can levitate themselves and go really quickly also help make tornadoes for Cloudsdale?

47. Ponyville Confidential
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47. Ponyville Confidential

Dear Cake Lover

Today we learned that that it's wrong to spread nasty rumors around. It's amazing Rarity hasn't learned something that juvenile.

Well of COURSE you're just like us. You're no better than anypony else princess. What were we thinking posting something THAT obvious. We should have posted something like that you secretly sell fake cures for cancer in the streets or something; then again, we could have printed that Zecora the zebra's potions are fake.

Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Applebloom

48. MMMystery On The Friendship Express
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48. MMMystery On The Friendship Express

Dear Celestia

The Element of Loyalty betrayed me, The Element of Generosity stole from me, and The Element of Kindness was mean to me. Now all we got for the contest is an eyesore of a cake.

Meanwhile I'm a piggy of a mare. Hehehe! It's odd that it wasn't ME who ate the cake in my sleep or something.

Pinkie Pie

PS: No cake for you princess.

49. A Canterlot Wedding
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49. A Canterlot Wedding

Dear Celestia

Are you for real? You seriously don't know your own niece very well? It took me, who hasn't seen her in years, to realize there's something fishy going on around here and you scoff at me like I'm stupid? And to top it all off you lost a fight against some shapeshifting love sucking bug-horse vampire monster? Where would you be without me?

Even if we did get to the elements, how would we have opened the door to them? You said only you can open that safe containing the elements; remember?

Looks like with leaders like you Equestria is doomed.

Twilight Sparkle

50. The Crystal Empire
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50. The Crystal Empire

Dear Celestia

Looks like we managed to stop Sombra from taking the Crystal Empire (it wasn't Spike). I wish we had brought the Elements with us, that way we wouldn't have had to run around like chickens with their heads cut off looking for the crystal heart.

Is it just me, or is the past too mush of a mystery? Why didn't history books record the Crystal Empire? It is obviously VERY important to Equestria's history.

Your welcome; we cleaned up another one of YOUR messes, I do hope you're happy.

Twilight Sparkle

51. Too Many Pinkie Pies
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51. Too Many Pinkie Pies

Dear Celestia

Oops I did it again. I terrorized Ponyville with a bunch of...well...myself; after I made dozens of clones of myself with the mirror pool. But boy did Twilight risk killing me; wasn't it painfully obvious that the real me was the only one with my memories?

If you plan on turning her into an alicorn, I doubt it's a good idea.

Pinkie Pie

PS: Now that I'm not in the mirror pool, I can freely go crazy.

52. One Bad Apple
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52. One Bad Apple

Dear Celestia

Today my little sister Applebloom learned that it's alright for bullies to bully other ponies. After all, she and her friends were born with the purpose of being other ponies' bucking bags.

Applebloom's own cousin (yes, mine too) was bullying her all week, and I saw my cousin (Babs Seed) push her and her friends and all I did was say how nice Applebloom and her friends were being.

Applejack

53. Magic Duel
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53. Magic Duel

Dear Celestia

A mare named Trixie took over Ponyville. She banished me from the town, threw the mayor in a giant birdcage (I guess she and I both believe that that mare is a birdbrain or something) and what did I do about it? Instead of going to your sister Luna, I went to a zebra named Zecora. I guess I trust in Zecora more than Luny Girl.

I seem to have forgotten how to change somepony's age, I turned Spike into an adult dragon by mistake when I was just a filly, but I can't turn two colts-turned-infants back to normal.

Twilight Sparkle

54. Sleepless In Ponyville
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54. Sleepless In Ponyville

Dear Nightmare Moon

NOOOOO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE!

It's none of your beeswax what scares me! Now I'm scared of YOU!

Get your own dreams! Now I know why Nightmare Night teaches that you ate children!

Scootaloo

PS: Did I write that? Well...I HAD EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP!

55. Wonderbolts Academy
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55. Wonderbolts Academy

Dear Celestia

I don't think Spitfire has heard of the saying, "too many doctors and not enough nurses", because she had all the skilled fliers together as leader and wingpony instead of choosing wisely.

I doubt Spitfire really is all that skilled in flight since she never demonstrated how to use that catapult thing by launching herself.

Rainbow Dash

PS: I doubt I'm gonna get in the wonderbolts, since only halfwits are most likely to actually become a Wonderbolt, and Spitfire being the leader of the Wonderbolts is proof of that.

56. Apple Family Reunion
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56. Apple Family Reunion

Dear Princess

Today I was mean to all my kin. I forced the youngsters to run like three miles then run a little more; I made the elderly's ears work even less than they already do because of some extremely loud sewing machines.

I just LOVE picking on my family.

Anyway my kinfolk sure are odd, what with them making me eat jam with somepony's false teeth still in it and all.

Applejack

PS: I wonder if fruit bats are edible?

58. Keep Calm And Flutter On
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58. Keep Calm And Flutter On

Dear Celestia

Like I asked earlier, "HOW COULD YOU BRING DISCORD HERE!?! And NO, you DON'T have use for his powers. He's just a snake in the grass.

Are you gonna play some mean pranks on the griffon ambassadors or something? And if you need Discord for that then it probably means you're gonna turn them into frogs or something.

Twilight

PS: We reformed Mr. Stinky, because we're bribing him with friendship

59. Just For Sidekicks
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59. Just For Sidekicks

Dear Celestia

Today I tried to cheat my friends by 'watching over' their pets whilst getting paid to do so (I even charged mom Twilight to watch my her pet). I tried to dump them with others and even tied those animals up in a ball.

That greedy pony Rarity paid me a puny amount. Jerk.

Spike

PS: I should have fed Angel Bunny to Owlicious.

60. Games Ponies Play
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60. Games Ponies Play

Dear Princess

I guess I don't know how to ask others questions like, "what's you're name?". And none of us think too much of the Equestrian Games, since neither of us thought that it was odd to have a pony with a chicken for a cutie mark inspect the city to house the Equestrian Games.

These games are just that, 'games'. What's the big deal anyway.

Twilight Sparkle

61. Magical Mystery Cure
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61. Magical Mystery Cure

Dear Celestia

What kind of fool do you take me for? Luna's an alicorn, Cadence is an alicorn, you're an alicorn, I'M AN ALICORN! Are there any other alicorns I should know about?

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Those darn pests of Fluttershy's tried to eat Rainbow Dash, good thing they don't know how to make fire.

62. Princess Twilight Sparkle
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62. Princess Twilight Sparkle

Dear Celestia

Well once again I have to clean up your mess. What use can you POSSIBLY have for Discord? He's nothing but trouble.

He'd even pick on poor Gummy The Gator.

Anyway; the elements of harmony just grew on a tree? You'd think they'd come from underground since they're metal/gems. Either way...we're doomed. If Somepony/thing attacks, we're elementless now.

Twilight Sparkle

64. Daring Don't
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64. Daring Don't

Dear Celestia

My friends and I just stalked a mare named Daring Do AK-47 AK Yearling, because Rainbow Dash is such a fangirl.

We had to fight an enemy Rainbow Dash couldn't fight against to save her life (almost literally); she is a black belt in karate, charged after Nightmare Moon, fought Starscream, bucked a dragon in the face, withstood against an army of changelings; but a dog with a hand for a tail? Nope, it was like the time RD was attacked by Fluttershy's fleabags.

Twilight Sparkle

65. Flight To The Finish
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65. Flight To The Finish

Dear Celestia

My cowardly surrogate sister Scootaloo was ridiculed by two racist fillies named Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, who made fun of her because she's a flightless pegasus.

We have hearts as strong as horses huh? As in, you're strong until you get remotely hurt and then you immediately need to be put out of your misery? BURN! Scootaloo even decides to be a quitter until I get her to change her mind.

I've learned that it is alright to speak my mind as long as it's professionally done.

Rainbow Danger Professionalism Dash

PS: The Equestria Games are dumb.

66. Power Ponies
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66. Power Ponies

Dear Celestia

There's a store that sells magazines that have the ability to get somepony killed. We were almost killed by a fictional character with an army of silly pretty boys. And Fluttershy turned into a monster; Iron Will would be proud.

My lizard Spike saved the Crystal Empire, but did he believe in himself when he had the upper claw? Not my silly lizard, he thought so little of himself that we almost all died.

And last but not least, I need to go back to Magic Kindergarten because I apparently don't know how to use my own powers anymore.

Twilight Sparkle

67. Bats!
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67. Bats!

Dear Celestia

I turned Fluttershy into a vampire. Fluttershy is fine now but looks like Sweet Apple Acres is going to be a buffet for fruit bats from now on because somepony (Fluttershy) doesn't like the idea of declaring open season on animals. I guess Fluttershy wants to send poor Applejack and her family to the poor house.

Fluttershy said that the bats are loyal to their families, right after one stole from his own kin.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Applejack said something about 'if you see one coming you better hide' why would I need to run or hide from a bunch of vegetarian bats?

68. Rarity Takes Manehattan
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68. Rarity Takes Manehattan

Dear Princess

Is Rarity REALLY the element of generosity? She seems to only be generous when it's convenient for her, I don't think that's what generosity works.

Rarity made us work to make her dresses, then she treated us in a way that a sweat shop would treat it's employees. I guess she's getting her revenge on us from when we made her make our gala dresses.

Rainbow Dash asked, "Ponies just singing at the drop of a hat? Who does that?" Um...we do...including you Rainbow Dash.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Is it just me, or do nopony ever notice that I'm royalty when I leave town?

70. Rainbow Falls
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70. Rainbow Falls

Dear Celestia

Looks like Spitfire needs to be dishonorably discharged from The Wonderbolts. She let a pony behind (Soarin) she's always picking on the poor guy.

Why are the Wonderbolts still around, they are wimps.

I think Twilight is rusty on moral support, she convinced me to be loyal using the dumbest reasoning possible.

Also, I think a changeling is impersonating Fluttershy, the REAL Fluttershy would NEVER want to represent Ponyville in the Equestrian Games, NEVER! We almost failed to get water to Cloudsdale because of her paranoia after all.

Rainbow Dash

71. Three's A Crowd
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71. Three's A Crowd

Dear Celestia

Why did you make us reform Discord? He may not be AS evil as before, but he's still as evil as ever. He almost got Cadence and I eaten by a giant carnivorous worm; then to top it all off, when that giant worm attacked HIM what did he do? he went running to me. He faked being sick to test my friendship with him. If he wants to be my friend, shouldn't he BE a friend to me? He was a jerk.

When he asked for a glass of water, I should have doused him with snow.

Though he DID help me practice my flying (either that or he's even more reckless then Rainbow Dash) and he apparently gave Cadence a "wonderful time" because evil queens and kings don't attack often enough for her.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Who the hay was that smirking little piece of filth in guard uniform with Cadence? He wasn't a crystal pony, and the way he looked at me made me want to buck him to the moon.

72. Pinkie Pride
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72. Pinkie Pride

Dear Celestia

A stallion came to town today, he was WAY too much like me he even had a party tank. I should sue him for copyright infringement on his mean flank. His name was Cheese Sandwich.

Pinkie Pie

73. Simple Ways
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73. Simple Ways

Dear Celestia

SWEET MOTHER OF HOLY THUDGE! THIS from a mare who chucked cake at Prince Blublood? Rarity tried to be me to impress a loser named Trenderhoof.

Then again, Rarity handled herself better than another pony I know named Starlight; and I sure was hay did a better job than my big brother did.

Applejack

74. Filli Vanilli
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74. Filli Vanilli

Dear Celestia

I'm willing to do aerobics in front of 500,000 ponies, but am unwilling to sing in front of 50 ponies because I have stage fright. Am I fickle, or am I stupid, or am I not willing to do aerobics in front of 500,000 ponies either despite what I did when trying to qualify for the Equestrian Games? And it's not like I haven't song in front of large crowds before.

I think Pinkie is a fake Pinkie, the real Pinkie might be in the Mirror Pool. 'Pinkie' was mean to me, as opposed to only wanting a smile smile smile from me.

Big Mac had a sore throat and the 'cure' took a few days to work; does this mean Zecora is a phony? That's how long it takes for a sore throat to heal naturally. Zecora has a potion that can fix a chipped tooth, but none to heal a sore throat?

Flutterguy

PS: I was nice, now it's time for Rarity to take the poison joke and become a poodle again. She owes me.

75. Twilight Time
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75. Twilight Time

Dear Celestia

Whowhatwherewhenhowwhy!?!?!

I got swarmed with a bunch of children who wanted to meet me because I'm a princess, even though many of them were already good friends of mine. Did I miss something?

I sit at home where my neighbors know who I am and are friends with me, and they treat me like they've just met me today. But literally everywhere else I'm treated like I'm just another so-and-so; our subjects sure are fickle.

Twilight

PS: Looks like I got my own most faithful student, Sweetie Belle.

76. It Ain't Easy Being Breezies
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76. It Ain't Easy Being Breezies

Dear Princess

Looks like all breezies resemble mares, even the dudes. That guy was one ugly breezy. Rarity made fun of Twilight's skin color; how low can you go?

I thought working with pollen was the bees' job not the breezies'. Except for the mare-dude-guy those breezies I met were wimps, a stupid leaf grounded them. When we faced that sleeping dragon a leaf made me go but a leaf made those bugs stop.

Rainbow Dash wanted Twilight to turn her into a griffon or a dragon, if Twilight did then we could've made RD eat pork.

Fluttershy

77. Somepony To Watch Over Me
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77. Somepony To Watch Over Me

Dear Celestia

Looks like I still haven't learned from the time we first befriended Zecora the zebra that my little sister isn't a fragile baby. I placed nets over our apple trees to prevent the apples from landing on her and also to keep Sweet Apple Acres from getting the apples and thus put us out of business, I turned Applebloom's bed into a crib, I put two helmets on her, I tied a pillow on a leaf-rake to keep Applebloom from getting an 'owie' whilst preventing anypony from actually raking any leaves.

Then that bad little filly ran away to deliver pies to a town, and on her way almost got eaten by a chimera. I now trust her to take care of herself since she almost got herself killed. Isn't that a fine lesson to learn? What you need to do is put yourself in harms way to gain trust.

Applejack

PS: The way I described the supplies needed to go to that town made me sound like Pinkie Pie; Flame proof boots, a lion tamers chair, a snake charming flute, and a hunk of ricotta. What, no crossbow or something? All we need to do is avoid being barbecued and fight a chimera.

79. Maud Pie
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79. Maud Pie

78. Double Rainboom

Dear Celestia

Today I nuked Ponyville because I'm stupid enough to drink something that could end up being sulfuric acid as far as I know. If you're too stupid to know what 'nuked' means, it means that I destroyed everyponies' homes in this dumpy town.

Maybe next on my list I can blow Canterlot up because it's bucking stupid.

I learned not a bucking thing, just that stealing is wrong which I already knew but did anyway.

Rainbow Dash

80. For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils
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80. For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils

79. Maud Pie

Dear Celestia

I discovered that Rock Farms make actual rocks into rock candy. Yuck.

Anyway, my sister Inkie Blinkie Stinky Maud came for a visit today, and I think she and I have issues;this mare has a pet rock (just like when Rarity had a pet rock named Tom) and she doesn't like candy. What weirdo doesn't like candy? I guess I should get a broomstick and force feed her candy. She'll eat my candy rather she likes it or not.

I almost got squished by a boulder and my annoying sister saved me instead of the (in quote) fastest flyer in all of Equestria, or an alicorn who can teleport. Some friends I have.

Pinkie Pie

PS: The way my sister obsesses over rocks, you'd think she'd be a rockstar or something.

78. Double Rainboom
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78. Double Rainboom

81. Leap Of Faith

Dear Celestia

Looks like I don't know the difference between being honest, lying and not talking to begin with. Twilight once warned RD that choosing not to choose isn't a choice, well looks like I need to learn that lesson because I chose to not choose to help my delusional grandmother or not. I am one dishonest mare.

My grandma kept buying a tonic that was supposed to cure her of her fear of water (of all things) but I knew from the start that it was fake and didn't do jack about it.

Applejack

Testing Testing 1 2 3
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Testing Testing 1 2 3

Dear Princess Celestia

I must be the dumbest nut job in Equestria, I was behaving like an immature 7 year old when Twilight was trying to teach me the history of the Wonderbolts. If anything, I should be teaching my friends about the history of the Wonderbolts, after all I'm their biggest fan.

It's not like Spitfire likely knows about the history of the Wonderbolts. I'm sure she knows less than any of Philomena's feathers.

Did I seriously ask Twilight if it was time for recess? Pinkie Pie's insanity must be contagious.

Rainbow Dash

8. Bridle Gossip
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8. Bridle Gossip

Dear Celestia

I can't believe it, I just CAN'T believe it! My friends actually believed Zecora was evil; and why? Because she's not a pony. They even used my powers as an excuse to believe in curses, since I have a weird habit of calling it 'magic', but the truth is it's science. Get radiation here, and a horn that absorb it there; then voila, unicorn powers.

They aren't scared (or ever were) of Spike the DRAGON.

They said the Everfree Forest is not natural because Fluttershy isn't spoiling the local fauna like those pests she dares to call animals in Ponyville. I swear, if all animals were taken care of, like that piece of hasenpfeffer Angel (her pet bunny) we'd have problems like those animals trying to eat their caretaker because those animals are just plain spoiled. Is it really a good idea to not have nature work itself (like I'm sure it did before ponies came to Equestria; according to the hearth's warming eve play). It would be convenient and normal. SO QUIT RAISING THE SUN AND LET GRAVITY DO IT'S JOB!!!!!!!!!

Twilight Sparkle

PS: When will a zony show up in town?

9. Swarm Of The Century
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9. Swarm Of The Century

Dear Celestia The Goon

Okay 'princess', what gives? You're what, 2000 years old; and you do not know about Parasprites? Those monsters are NOT cute, they're pests. In fact, if I ever see anymore I'll roast them with fire.

Pinkie Pie actually tried to 'help', and though her tactic worked it kept us from getting rid of those nasty little bugs sooner. So those monsters literally ate all of Ponyville out of house and home. Good thing when I used my powers to make them stop eating the food, they ate the buildings and not the Ponies.

Twilight Sparkle who is rather disappointed in you princess.

PS: Use a large marching band to get rid of those things.

19. Green Isn't Your Color
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19. Green Isn't Your Color

Dear Celestia The Goon

That childish friend of mine Pinkie Pie needs to learn that there's 'breaking a promise' and settling a friendship problem.

Photo finish asked Rarity for a new look, so Rarity asked Fluttershy to be her model, and that jerk Photo Finish dared to make poor Fluttershy a model. A model whose fans don't know her own history (they were mean to poor Rarity).

Fluttershy didn't want to be a model (which should have been painfully obvious to Rarity) but didn't want Rarity to know because she thought Rarity wanted her to be a model; as for Rarity, she was jealous of FLuttershy and thought Fluttershy wanted to be a model. I tried to be a good friend to them, but I made a pinkie promise to not tell the other of her feelings. I tried to tell them but that nutcase Pinkie didn't want me to break a pinkie promise.

I learned that pinkie promises are nothing but trouble.

Twilight Sparkle

21. A Bird In The Hoof
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21. A Bird In The Hoof

Dear Celestia

That crazy dodo bird of yours is nothing but trouble. You should get rid of it before it burns down all of Canterlot.

How come I never knew about that crazy bird's ability to disintegrate and back again? I must not be as smart as I thought.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Are you a pyromaniac? Why else would you own a bird that catches itself on fire.

26. The Return Of Harmony
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26. The Return Of Harmony

Dear Princess

We did it, we stopped Discord. Now what about our pay? You can't possibly expect us to save Equestria for free. That will be 10,000 bits for each of us.

I guess I'm not as smart as I thought; Discord flat out told me where the elements were and I thought they were in the maze. That riddle was easier than it is for Rarity to get my dumb dragon to slave for her. My friends were grey and not acting like themselves and I didn't know they were discorded; how could I have not known?

Why didn't you just chuck that monster on the sun? He's too dangerous!

Also: Spike is the new Rainbow Dash because the old Rainbow Dash is stinky; and Rarity thought a boulder was a giant diamond courtesy of Discord.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Are you going to twist Discord's head to his right?

33. Sweet And Elite
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33. Sweet And Elite

Dear Celestia

I tried to make friends with the upperclass of Canterlot; but my stupid Ponyville friends came and ruined everything. I may be the element of generosity, but I'm not the element of loyalty; so why should I stick with a bunch of dirty country ponies like THEM? I'm just glad Fancy Pants is so understanding of where I come from.

Ponyville drools and Canterlot rules.

Rarity

PS: Why would YOU be caught dead around such uncouth worker ponies?

35. Hearth's Warming Eve
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35. Hearth's Warming Eve

Dear Celestia

So let me get this straight: Equestria was founded long before you were born, and you were on the first flag Equestria had? You must be so famous that you appear in art, literature, etc. before you even existed. You should teach me that trick.

If that is how ponies treated each other back then, what about minotaurs, donkeys, zebras, gryphons, etc.

It seems we have ourselves quite a pickle; either we have love and face the wrath of the changelings, or we hate each other and face the wrath of the wendigoes? Not much of a choice is there?

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Another holiday we should cancel for good. Hearthswarming Eve.

45. Dragon Quest
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45. Dragon Quest

Dear Mamby Pamby Pony Princess

Today I joined a dragon gang after my 'friends' teased me for wearing a pink apron. Why was I wearing a pink apron? Beats me.

Why don't you ponies know more about dragons than you already do? We fly over your HOMES; and it's not like dragons are all that threatening; Fluttershy scolded one like a child for the love of pete!

That annoying priss Rarity made a really bad looking dragon disguise to stalk me while I was hanging with the wrong crowd. The only reason why it worked was because there was a bizarre lookalike dragon named Crackle.

Spike

PS: You sent a letter to me, but one of the dragon thugs chucked it in lava before I could read it. I'll need you to send it back to me; that is, unless you've already been defeated since Twilight has to do all the hard stuff around here.

57. Spike At Your Service
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57. Spike At Your Service

Dear Celestia

I just failed at my 'special talent'. Even almost got my friends killed by timberwolves; timberwolves I should have defeated myself by blowing fire at them then sending them to you so they can be YOUR problem. The only way something like THAT could be possible is if my dirty feet gave me brain damage.

Spike

PS: Twilight loves books more than she loves ME. Jerk.

63. Castle Mane-ia
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63. Castle Mane-ia

Dear Celestia

I found yours and Luna's diary. Spike crashed into a statue of your old stallion.

That crazy little sister of yours said she didn't know what fun was, and yet it appears you two had a ball back in the day; what with all these secret passageways. I must have hit Luna with the elements harder than I thought.

Anyway, that overly paranoid friend of mine (Fluttershy) is afraid of star spiders. Those silly things have been crawling all over my silly lizard all day.

I actually approve of restoring the castle; then maybe ponies can get over the ol' "ALL ON THEIR OWN" paranoia. NATURE IS SUPPOSED TO RUN BY ITSELF!

Twilight Sparkle

PS: Can't we just bust open that case-thing with a giant mallet? And Nightmare Moon still lives. She's in the castle. She says to tell you "BEWARE I LIVE!", "RUN RUN RUN!", "BEWARE COWARD!", "RUN COWARD!" and "ROOOAAR!"

69. Pinkie Apple Pie
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69. Pinkie Apple Pie

Dear Celestia

Today we went on a road trip to visit Golden Delicious because we suspected Pinkie Pie to be my distant cousin, but for some odd reason there was a smudge on the scroll that said if she was or not, and not just on THAT scroll but others as well. I think Aunt and Uncle Orange have gone quite a bit low. Who else could have went through all the effort to erase a whole branch of my family tree just because they is ashamed that the Pie family are related to them. Jerks.

Pinkie Pie is possibly a distant cousin of Applejacks? Maybe the Cakes are too.

Pinkie and Applejack

PS: Let's use dynamite on the Scariest Cave in Equestria. It's not like that cave is all that big.

81. Leap Of Faith
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81. Leap Of Faith

80. For Whom The Sweetie Belle Toils

Dear Celestia

I got jealous of my sister because she's too good at making dresses. I wrote a play that my friends and I acted in, and everypony just loved the dresses, those jerks didn't even listen to us. Even my friend's grandmother ignored us for the stupid dresses.

I almost ruined her reputation as Sapphire Shore's favorite dress designer because Rarity stole my spotlight because she's evil.

You're sister trespassed on my dreams, the little trespassing trespasser! GET OUT OF MY HEAD! LEAVE MY BRAIN ALONE!

How can she know about what happened on my 5th birthday party? She was on the moon the whole time.

Sweetie Belle

PS: When my friends and I went to Canterlot, why did the train take us the other way towards Appleloosa?

1. Pilot Episodes
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1. Pilot Episodes

Dear Princess Celestia

You are the craziest princess ever. You straight up told me 'you're wrong' then after I cleaned up YOUR mess with YOUR sister, you tell me 'I never said you were wrong' MAKE UP YOUR STINKIN' MIND!

I'm done with you. I'm staying here in Ponyville with REAL friends. I have officially dropped out of your stupid school for stupid unicorns.

Twilight Sparkle

PS: If Luna turns back into Nightmare Moon, don't come galloping to me; or for that matter if a long gone empire returns, or if you want to turn me into an alicorn, or if Discord comes back. BYE! I'M FREE!!