Chapters A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Wolves Are Bad... I Don't Like Wolves
"Wolves, why did it have to be wolves? Or anything mildly dangerous even? Why did it have to be something able to kill me?" John was starting to freak out, the feeling of being encircled was really getting up to his nerves.
The pack was forming around him. Amidst the silent trees, a barking noise...
"Mate, I might be freaked out right now, but I can't just let you do this: you can't just put shitty puns in the middle of dramatic description! It just doesn't work... Oh, shit, I just saw one!"
The sparkle of a green eye caught John's attention as he helplessly looked around, in search of some sort of shelter. The wooden predators advanced, their bark cracking and grinding as a forest fire. He could hear them, they surrounded him. The forest was merciless, nothing but trees could be seen around John as the first Timberwolf stepped out of the woods.
"Trees... There's nothing but trees here, what can I do? Wait, trees can help. I could try climbing on one." as soon as the idea emerged in his brain, John rushed towards the nearest tree that didn't have a wolf near it and jumped on its trunk.
"Shit, it's slippery. I knew I wasn't good at climbing, but am I really that bad at it?" he exclaimed as his feet and hands found no place to grip the twisted bark, his nonathletic muscles struggled to push the weight of his body upwards.
"Hey, don't underestimate my sportive skills! I'm not even that bad at this. Look, I already climbed at least... one foot!" he retorted, a bit hurt in what seemed like a sensitive spot.
"It's not a sensitive spot, you fuck! I'm completely OK with my amazing muscles!" he added, heavily sweating despite remaining nearly immobile. However, the Timberwolves remained unimpressed by his achievement. As more and more stepped out of the gloomy forest and entered the clearing, the imposing size of the pack made the encounter even more terrifying.
"Oh shit, you're right! How am I supped to do anything against this when I can't even climb a fucking tree properly?! I mean, I kinda did it now, I'm 6 feet off the ground. They can't touch me now, can they? I don't know, amazing as it is, even my strategy might not be enough! What the fuck am I supposed to even do?...
"Oh, just a quick note for you. When I die —because that's clearly what's about to happen— could you please not go into too much details on the pain and suffering? You know, pain is already painful enough! I don't need some guy putting emphasis on every injury!" but as John pronounced what sounded like his last words, something unexpected occurred on the —now wolf-filled— clearing.
"Oh fuck yeah! Hit me with this something! Please tell me it's some Deus Ex Machina bullshit that lets me survive!... I don't think I'll make it otherwise."
A low-pitched roar made itself heard.
"That doesn't sound good... Or does it?"
The earth shook slightly as an enormous Manticore emerged from the forest. Taking no notice of John, the giant creature focused all its fury on the pack of Timberwolves, the latter apparently invading its territory. The wooden creatures gave out scared noises, even they afraid of the titanic monster.
"OK, that already sounds like the shitty Deus Ex Machina I ordered! Thanks man! You know, you're very lucky that I'm in that tree and can't see shit, because otherwise I would have told you to shut up long ago. Anyway, sorry for interrupting you, please don't try killing me again!... For the moment at least..."
The Manticore roared once again, its sharp fangs bare and eager to kill. The creature swung its scorpion tail toppling several wolves. Some of its foes tried riposting, but all in vain. The imposing creature remained unhindered, its thick hide and unmatched agility deflecting all attacks. The beast spread its gigantic wings, roaring again and taking a pose that clearly indicated its murderous intents.
"Wow! Man, you're really good when describing action scenes. Just don't spend time commenting random bullshit like trees and birds. Go straight to the action!"
This is when a tiny bird returned to its nest somewhere on the other end of the forest, the cute critter happily singing...
"Hey! I know you did that just to piss me off! Don't! Can't I even congratulate you now? Describe the fucking action, I'm listening for once!" while John talked to the air, the fight below his feet continued. Knocking off several more wolves, the Manticore grabbed one of its wooden attackers. However, the content expression on its face turned to one of disgust as instead of the sweet taste of meat, dried wood touched its tongue.
"Yuck! That must taste awful! I remember that one time when I lost a bet and needed to chew on a plank because... Now that I think about it, this probably isn't the time to tell traumatizing childhood experiences that I totally didn't just make up..."
As several other Timberwolves crumbled into bark and branches, the rest begun to flee, the raging Manticore too big of an enemy to take. The giant beast however only got angrier after discovering they weren't eatable. It charged behind one of the wolves fiercely roaring and uprooting several trees in its wake. The muted sounds of chaos and destruction became more and more distant as the beasts ran off into the forest. John was alone once again.
"That's awesome! Now I can finally get off that stupid tree and tell you to shut up! Wait, I probably shouldn't tell you to shut up. You just demonstrated you can easily kill me before saving my life. I should be grateful!... or at least a bit less cocky... Yeah, let's go with that.
"Oh, and before I forget, I know I asked for a shitty Deus Ex Machina but this was pretty basic. I mean, don't get me wrong, it did save me in a really cheap way, but I thought you'd come up with something better than the there's an even bigger monster thing!" said John, overwhelmed by confidence. However, he probably should have been a bit more cautious, as the enormous manticore started to wonder whether it should come back to his favorite clearing...
"OK, I GET IT! I won't criticize you anymore! (Or at least I'll do it a bit less often) Just please don't try to kill me!" he pleaded, the Manticore mysteriously changing its mind and deciding to continue its Timberwolf hunt.
"Phew! This was a close one. OK, I should probably start moving to the North if I don't want to get eaten by something before even seeing the Alicorn Amulet. So... let's try to start by finding the North... How do I do that?" he quizzed himself. In the meantime, the first rays of the setting Sun touched the treetops of the western part of the Everfree Forest, its reassuring glow still penetrating through the thick vegetation and bathing some parts of the cursed soil in its blessed light.
"Well, that's pretty cool. But where is North in relation to West? Its on the left, right? Right? Left? I don't know. Let's just go with my gut and hope that the power of plot convenience guides me towards the correct direction." he said, turning right towards the South and embarking on a long and pointless journey towards the Ghastly Gorge...
"OK, I guess my gut was stupid as always. I was thinking about amputating it anyway... Uh, so let's get back to the point, or to the North I'd rather say. I wouldn't want this whole adventure to go South if you know what I mean!"
...
"Come on! You've heard worse puns before! It wasn't that bad!"
...
"Oh, shit, I forgot you're the narrator and can't express anything in any way other than third person description. That's clearly the only reason you aren't laughing to my amazing joke!" exclaimed John in a desperate attempt to comfort himself despite his obviously bad humor.
"..."
...
"OK, let's move on then. Sooo, where was the North again? Oh right, it was over there I remember it! You don't even need to remind me of anything. I'm a big boy!" he triumphantly pronounced, heading straight South.
"I guess I'm not that much of a big boy after all. Alright let's finally get moving!... To the North.
"Oh fuck, I don't like how these trees look. They're all scary and evil and stuff. I'm just a regular guy! I'm not prepared to walk through the Everfree Forest! And what if there is even more Timberwolves? It's dangerous!
"No, I shouldn't stop now, I only moved two steps forward, it isn't enough to do a dramatic change of mind!
"And then, the power calls me! I can hear it! I can hear the Amulet begging to be stolen and worn by the complete idiot that I am!... Or its just my brain making up voices due to my extreme loneliness... That would explain the narrator...
"Anyway,
"Well these random self-encouraging and falsely deep thinking allowed me to waste some time. Wait, did I just see a path over there? Yeah, that's right, there's a path! But then, do I want to take it? I mean, it would probably be easier than walking in this thick underbrush! There are spikes and vines everywhere! I'm sure I already got poisoned by at least twelve different plants by now! Its painful as fuck!
"But then if there's somepony on this road? Yes, somepony . I'm sure they would freak out and run into the forest or something. At least that's what I'd do in this situation. And then I'd have to explain who the fuck am I and that'd be boring. And I'm very bad at explaining stuff, so they probably wouldn't understand shit. And I'll have to comfort em and all. I really don't want to be hugging a scared pony at the moment.
"Or do I? This sounds way better than I thought actually. Ponies do sound like something extremely appropriated for cuddling... No , I will not do that! The hugging of equines will only be my highest reward for becoming an edgy villain. I won't do that right now! And then, I wouldn't want to start some cheesy romance plot right at the moment. I'm sure the narrator's only waiting for that to start spitting out endless paragraphs of long and boring description of feelings! I wouldn't do something susceptible of pleasing the narrator!
"Fuck! My shitty self-dialogue distracted me so much I already got on this fucking path. I need to get into the forest right now or some random creature'll just pop out of nowhere and get scared!" exclaimed John as just several dozens yards away, a...
"No, you won't do that! If I don't stop talking and interrupting you, you won't be able to finish this description thus, whatever you were going for won't appear: Haha, I got you! I bet you didn't think about that, did you?! Your plans so eas... cough... cough" suddenly a wild fly flew into John's mouth, making him choke heavily and completely unable to speak.
Meanwhile, the pink pegasus also known as Fluttershy happily trotted amidst the trees of the Everfree forest. Accompanied by the whistles of birds, she was humming a cheerful melody, her thoughts completely devoid of any negativity. Upon her path, countless critters exited their nests and burrows greeting the kind pony.
However, John's reaction was all the opposite. As soon as he saw the approaching mare, he bolted into a bush, stumbling upon a rock and falling into the vegetation with a loud noise still accompanied by his heavy coughing.
This clumsy tentative to escape didn't go unnoticed. Even if she didn't see what did all that racket, Fluttershy immediately decided to help whatever poor creature was behind it.
"Come on little one!" she called "Come out, don't be scared. I hear you got a bad cough, I'm sure I can help you fix that!" she added receiving no response other than even more coughing.
Resolute to help the creature out, Fluttershy used the tip of her wings to push some of the bush's branches aside and see what was the animal that got into trouble. However, what met her here was completely the opposite of what she expected.
"WHAT ARE YOU?!" she squeaked, quickly hiding her face behind her wings and starting to shiver.
His throat finally free of the fly, John didn't hesitate a second before responding.
"What?! Come on! You aren't scared when you're dealing with Cerberus or a Manticore, but I make you cry in fear? Am I really this ugly? Am I? Do you know how insulted I feel right now? Well, now you do! You're really hurting my feelings!
"Well, with that out of the way, I'll just awkwardly go away, leaving you shocked and wondering what the fuck just happened... You know, I would have given you a warm hug and a somewhat clear explanation, but I'm in a bit of a hurry so it won't be possible for the moment... Yeah, so I'll just walk into the forest like some weird cryptid...
"You didn't see me! Uh, I mean you did and sorry for that, but just don't tell Zecora that some weird alien creature's going to pay her a visit. Don't do that... Shit, did I just reveal you my plan? Yes... I did... So, yeah forget about that!
"Bye, have a good day!"
This dialog masterfully executed, John did exactly as he said, walking into the forest and leaving a terrified Fluttershy behind him.
"Thanks man! I feel bad now! And then, I'm sure she's going to tell that she saw me to literally every single character of the show! I don't want the entirety of Equestria to know I'm here! Oh, right, if I want this, I probably need to stop screaming every other sentence. That'd help.
"Besides, I think I'm approaching my destination... No I'm not, I've only walked for about half an hour! At this rate it'll take about... a lot of hours to get to Zecora.
"Oh, I know! I could do a time skip! Or rather, you could do a time skip! Doesn't that sound lovely?" he quizzed the air, the latter seeming to agree.
"OK then, do that! It's time skip... time!"
After several hours of long and exhausting walking, John's legs and feet seriously starting to hurt, the signs of recent equine activity started to appear in the area. The house was approaching.
"Fucking hell, finally! That was terrible! I didn't think you needed to actually do stuff during the time skip! I thought it was just an instantaneous jump to the next relevant moment! Oh fuck! My feet hurt! And then, it's midnight already I can't see shit! That's just horrible.
"At least in the night I'm harder to notice. That's a good thing...
"Oh, shit! I think I just saw some smoke above the trees. Yeah, and there's light not too far away in the distance. Finally! Wait, there's a light? Is she awake or something? That doesn't sound very good...
"Uh, who cares! I can't wait for my first true adventure (that isn't just some shit invented by the narrator) to start! Let's steal that fucking amulet!"
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
To Sneak Up... Being Sneaky is Pretty Important
"OK, so, here's the house. What do I do now?
"I probably should talk a bit less and lower my voice or else, even despite my extreme discretion, I'm going to be detected. Yeah, and why is there light in the house? I wonder if that zebra's still not asleep. That'd be a shame! Oh, shit, right, discretion . No screaming.
"So narrator, since you're omniscient and all, could you please describe me what's up in here? I know you love describing random stuff, so I'd love you to do your job for once." whispered John, his voice still extremely audible despite his obvious efforts to keep it low.
Meanwhile, within the small cabin, the static air circulated in a perpetual cycle. The gentle gusts of the nocturnal breeze only rarely penetrated the wooden structure. In here the soothing light of a fireplace lightened the room, bathing the walls in its soft glow. As in the...
"No, stop describing completely random shit! Go directly to the relevant stuff!" exclaimed John, all the discretion he forced himself to keep suddenly disappearing.
"Uh, I mean, where is Zecora and what is she doing?"
Even though quite small, the house possessed multiple rooms. One of which served as a bedroom. There, in a place where the fire's dancing shine did not reach, the tired zebra slept a heavy sleep. Expecting no visit, she had left the fire alight, a cauldron containing one of her well-known brews resting upon it...
"Wait, I remember what Zecora's house looks like in the show it isn't like what you're describing! What, are you telling me that you're modifying the cannon in favor of the plot, to make my task easier?... Well, continue with that... I don't mind actually...
"So, the path is clear. Then, let's get to the important matters, already. Where to look?
"I guess if I had an overpowered artifact, I'll keep it next to my bed. But then the thing probably has a corrupting influence, she wouldn't do that. It may be in a separate room or something.
"Huh, actually, who cares. I'll just get in there and do my best... Now that I think about it, this will probably end up causing a disaster, but... we'll worry about that later!"
Loudly whispering these last words, John entered the house. To his extreme disappointment, the latter did have a door, which he only managed to open with a loud squeak . However, even audible as it was, this sound did not awaken the zebra. With a loud sigh of relief, he entered the structure, the fire's light slightly blinding him after several hours in near complete obscurity.
"Hey, you know, taking advantage of the fact I can't talk right now to start one of your long and boring paragraphs of description isn't a very cool move. You know, I can do that too! But with more insults, so its 100% better. And I don't even necessarily have to talk. I can just think.
"That what youngsters do nowadays, right? Instead of just randomly bursting into monologues they think... Uh, this new generation... Can't even talk to themselves properly!" thought the edgy guy, apparently old enough to criticize the younger generations but still being a fan of My Little Pony.
"Hey, shut up! I'm not alone in this! There are tons of people like me! And then you can't really criticize, you're the narrator of this world!
"OK, enough of mutual insulting for the moment. Let's find that fucking amulet!
"I didn't notice it before, but the smell here is actually quite nice. It smells like... food. Food. Wait, I didn't eat in 10 hours, I need food! Mmmm... this smells like... I don't care, it just smells like something I want to eat! Fuck the amulet actually, the first goal is to eat!" once this thought lodged itself in John's head, there was no way to forget it. Food was now the only thing his tired brain could whelm.
As he saw some berries on a nearby shelf, he immediately rushed towards the sweet source of nourishment not caring about their actual edibility.
"Nom... that's already... Nom... better... Nom... I need something else... Nom
"This... Nom... looks quite nice... Nom... don't know what it... Nom... is though..."
Occupied by his devouring fury, John completely forgot any concept of discretion, lunging on every piece of provision with avid slurps.
"Hey, I didn't eat in ages! Nom... What did you expect?... Nom" he exclaimed as all this noise and agitation inevitably disturbed Zecora's slumber.
"Shit... Nom"
Immediately ceasing all movement, John stood in the middle of the —now silent— room, looking around in search of the amulet he completely forgot about by now.
Suddenly, he noticed a faint scarlet gleam under a cloth on the other side of the house. It was just there, waiting for him.
Trying his best to come closer in the most discreet way possible, he slowly lifted his feet off the ground one after the other trying not to make the wooden floor crack...
"Hey, in the show the floor isn't wooden! You aren't supposed to make my task harder! I'm already bad enough at this!" thinking that, John continued his long and slow progression.
However, this monotonous movement bored him, his concentration fell and, forgetting to look under his feet, he stumbled upon an old cauldron lying on the floor and fell to the ground in the dust, this failure causing extreme racket and toppling several other cauldrons and cooking utensils.
"FUCK!"
Startled and awoken by all this noise, the zebra jerked up her head trying to process what was happening. Remembering the powerful artifacts her house held, she jumped out of her bed and observed the chaos that unfolded in her little habitation.
"OUCH!" she heard another scream "Why the fuck do you put all these pots here on the floor. Its dangerous!... Uhhh... Oops... hi?"
"Wait, I know you need to speak in rhymes, so I'll just make some random shit up so that you can come up with some sentences to say. Uh, first of all, don't run in terror, I'm not a monster. Oh, wait actually, you could run in terror, that'd be quite cool from you. What'd you say? I mean, I'm not forcing you or anything..." meeting a skeptical frown, John understood that his proposition was being politely declined.
"OK then, I guess I'll need to do something else. I don't know... ya like jazz?" as he talked, his eyes rapidly searched the room in its entirety trying to find the red shine he saw earlier.
Instead of answering his —oh so important— question, Zecora asked him several of her own.
"Wow, these are some sick rhymes! You know, you should really become a rapper. I bet your carrier would be amazing. I'm really impressed you know? If I could do rhymes like you, I wouldn't be here, coming to people's houses in the middle of the night? You're really missing a golden opportunity. And you could have a cool nickname like Zecorap ... No, that sounds like shit actually... Or maybe, Zecorapper ? No, that's somehow even worse. I don't know, I can totally see something like Zecora, the freestyle goddess written on posters everywhere. And you could do concerts and become famous. Think about it!" John uttered, his voice filled with enthusiasm as he desperately tried to conceal his search.
"What you say to me is indeed quite nice
"Uh... no, I'm not looking for something. Not at all. If you really want to know what the fuck am I, I'm a human and my name is John. I don't think it'll help you much since I come from another universe. You know. I really don't need anything. I'm OK right now. I just came to your house in the night to... visit... I heard the furniture was quite nice in this region and decided to examine it in detail...
"Sorry for bothering you, you can return to sleep now! I'll... just go away... Just walk out the door and not try stealing anything... Bye!" saying that, John's twitching eyes finally settled on what he looked for. The Amulet. It was just here under this cloth.
However, now was the time to leave.
"Fuck."
"I didn't think it'd be so hard. I guess I could just sit here for some time and wait until she goes to sleep again. That will be long... Narrator! Could you please warn me when I can finally get back in please." shouted the master of discretion.
"Oh, that's true... Now that I think about it, the fact ponies speak English is extremely convenient and unlikely. What would I do if they spoke some weird incomprehensible dialect? Well, I guess there isn't really a way to mess these conversations up more that I already did whether it is in English or in any other language. But that's not important.
"Why would magical horses speak English anyway? I mean they do speak in English in the show, but the show's translated, so this isn't really a proof of anything. I guess I just live in a very convenient world... but I already knew that." as these thoughts settled in John's head, in the house all noise ceased. The calm once again returned to the peaceful hut. It was almost...
"OK, I get it! It's time to go! Let's finally steal that fucking amulet!
"Shit, the door squeaked again. That's weird, the narrator didn't comment on that. I need to be... Shit.
"Well, what's the matter, you did not leave?
"Yeah, that's right. I did. I forgot... my... hum... my... yeah, my... my... I forgot the end of this sentence, but that's not all... I also... Hmm..."his attempts to come up with a believable excuse appearing completely unfruitful, John had no other choice than to simply lunge forward towards the Amulet.
His rush was however interrupted by a hard hoof, the zebra understanding his true intentions.
Refusing to surrender, John used the best diversion technique he knew.
"Hey! Look, there's a rainbow unicorn over there... Uh that's not that unusual actually... I mean, look, a potato!"
Despite its extreme expertise in the domain of diversion, this attempt failed miserably, the zebra remaining a solid obstacle.
"OK, then. I'll just contemplate that amazing potato —that completely is the best thing I've seen in my entire life— while you don't !" he taunted. Zecora's concentration however, remained unaltered.
Out of ideas, John just charged towards the Amulet with all of his strength. Unexpectedly, this plan worked out far better than the previous ones, despite its clear lack of sophistication. After several clumsy jumps and falls, the defense was breached. The way towards the Amulet was free.
Wasting no times, he immediately rushed towards the artifact, triumph all over his face.
"Yes! I finally did something!" he exclaimed removing the cloth and eyeing the cursed jewel on its pedestal...
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Zero Times Infinity... Still Equals Zero
"HAHAHA! The power is mine! And now is the perfect moment to do my cliché villain monologue that I prepared for this special occasion!" exclaimed John, as he removed the glass protection above the Amulet and extracted it from its pedestal.
Lifting the jewel, he put it around his neck, a troubled Zecora slightly wincing at this sight. She wasn't able to stop him. It was too late. Now, she could only watch and hope something wouldn't work...
"Wait, I don't really feel anything. That thing's broken or something? I mean, I sure feel its influence, but the only thing it changed is the fact I really don't want to remove it. But otherwise... I don't even feel especially more evil. Now that I think about it, I guess it makes some sense. It would have been too easy to get access to power this fast! And then, if this thing's supposed to amplify my magical skills then, there really isn't anything to amplify...
"Wait, I nearly forgot! There's also that cool thing with the red eyes and that smoky thing coming from them when you put that thing on! I bet I look edgy as fuck right now!... Oh, shit... that's terrible. I can see it. The red smoke! I can see the red thing coming from my eyes and separating from my retina! Yuck! And I constantly have that red thing on the side of my vision and it's... Oh no, and now that I saw it, my eyes are itching! That's just... Uh, I guess an edgy look demands sacrifices..."
"If it causes you so much pain,
"Well, I can't! The only part of the Amulet that really worked —except for the eyes thing, of course— is the fact I don't want to remove it! And then I don't want to get rid of this edgy look! I didn't come here for nothing, did I?
"I don't feel corrupted anyway! And even if I do, what am I able to accomplish without any magic or physical strength or knowledge... or anything really! I mean, my cool red eyes won't hurt anyone! Also, if I keep the jewel, no one else will be able to steal it! You have one less thing to care about! Isn't less work only beneficial? I think so at least!"
"Do not try to fool me fiend!..."
"Hey, I'm not a fiend ! I'm John! I know finding rhymes is hard but... Calling me a fiend is just rude!
"You know, I feel highly... something... I can't come up with a cool adjective..." exclaimed John, extremely upset. "Yeah, that's right! I'm extremely upset right now!"
However, as he noticed Zecora's unimpressed look, his overwhelming discontent suddenly disappeared. "Uh, sorry, I guess I should let you finish your poem before complaining..."
"...I see right through your wicked game!
"That sounds cool and all, but... It doesn't really mean anything! Could you please explain with actual words that make sense?... Uh, I guess not since you need to make your lines rhyme... It must be really hard to speak like this every day!
"Well, all this is sad and all, but I've got other shit to steal! So, I beg your pardon, because now is the time for me to go!" saying this, John started walking towards the door. However, before he could even take his second step, he was forcibly interrupted by a determined hoof.
"Stop! I will not let you go!
"Uh, don't be a dick! I'm not dangerous! I'm just going to steal the Elements of Harmony and eventually try to rule the world. It's not that bad, is it?... I mean... just let me go! You won't be able to keep me here anyway! I have the help of somebody you can't really go against. Right, narrator?" said the arrogant jerk who wasn't about to get help from any outer beings in the near future.
"Huh, I guess not then... Anyway, I could just use my amazing quickness and dexterity to get through your door! Don't even think I'm intimidated by some zebra!" pronouncing these words, John tried performing one of his —now trademark— lunges, but failed as he did the last times. Stumbling upon some piece of furniture he crashed on the cold and dusty floor.
"Haha! I might... cough... have crashed like... cough... an idiot, but at least now... cough... I'm closer to the door... cough!" and he was right. Despite his laughable moves, the break through worked. He now lied just behind the exit, his head and face blocking it from opening.
Wasting no time —except for the time spent celebrating his success—...
"Hey, it wasn't a wast of time! I need to congratulate myself when I do something good!"
...he stood up and grabbed the door handle.
"Wait, a door handle? You're ponies, how are you supposed to open those with hooves ?... I guess it isn't important right now!
"Bye! I hope my nocturnal visit didn't bother you too much! Anyway, I need to go now. Please don't send the entirety of the Mane six to my research! I'm already bad enough at this!" finishing his —way too long— goodbye speech, John opened the door and exited the hut. Once outside, he picked a random direction in the darkness of the forest and just run as fast as he could.
"Geez, this was longer than expected!... Sad that the Amulet doesn't work, but I guess it could have been worse...
"Wait, what the fuck are these red halos on the floor? And they seem to follow my sight. Weird... Oh, these are my eyes! That's already something positive, I can use my eyes as flashlights! But really dim and reddish and not very practical flashlights... That's almost pretty good! Shit, now that I thought about my eyes, I see that smoke thing again! Uh, its horrible!" continuing to run in the —almost complete— darkness while endlessly arguing with himself, John didn't see a gnarled root on the ground, stumbling on it and falling face-first in the mud.
"FUCK!"
Spitting out the dirt that got into his mouth, he tried making up his mind but failed miserably.
"Uh, shit, I'm tired as fuck! I mean, you can't blame me, I didn't sleep for about a whole day!... Oh no, are telling me that I'm about to fall asleep in the dirt in the middle of the fores...snore..." failing to finish his sentence, the adrenaline that kept him awake for all this time finally running out, John fell asleep almost instantly.
The scene was rather funny to look at. In the dirt...
Uh... what a weird dream...
It was like I was in the land of ponies, running through the forest and talking to the narrator... Huh, and that guy was such a jerk!
Wait, why is there this smoky shit everywhere and nothing is clear and precise?
Are you telling me that this is the dream? No, that's just stupid!
Oh, I know, I could just try spinning my top and seeing whether it stops or not. I always wanted to try doing this test!
So, I spin it, and here it goes!
...
It's spinning...
...
It's still spinning...
...
Oh, fuck, I hate waiting! And then how long are these things supposed to spin anyway? What if it stops, but only in two hours? I don't want to wait for two hours!
Stupid top!
"Hey, shut up! I'm not stupid! "
Did this top just talk to me?
"Yes! And I won't leave an insult to the top race unpunished! "
OK, maybe instead of yelling at me, you could tell me whether you're about to stop spinning?
"Stopping? Don't expect such a favor from me! I'm spinning and won't stop anytime soon! Oh, these humans are such jerks nowadays!
Then I guess this is a dream...
But then, in reality, I'm in the world of ponies, sleeping in the dirt, in the middle of the Everfree Forest, as the narrator's probably spends his time mocking me while I can't argue against...
This world is just completely stupid!... and unfair...
"Stop complaining, you sick fuck! This place is already shitty enough, I don't need any depressive humans taking important life decisions! "
Shut up, you, top ! I didn't think tops were suck jerks, but you're really changing my mind on the way to consider your race!
"Wrong! Tops are the best, greatest and mightiest creatures of all! They shall rule the world as the human society crumbles before their infinite might! The only thing stopping the for the moment is... well, the fact they're tops... "
Yeah, that's right, you're trying to convince me that you're the greatest thing in the universe? Just shut up!
"Insignificant human! Bow before your top overlord! You know, there's a good reason for the fact we're called 'tops'! It's because we're on top of all! The peak of evolution! Superiority at its height! None shall stand against us! "
Right...
"And you, pathetic creature, can only admire our endless greatness! Indeed, the shape of a top is the one representing the Sun in all top cultures! There's a good reason to that!... "
You know what, I'll just stop listening to you, because what you say is nice and all, but I'm really skeptical about the tops' superiority and you aren't really helping me to believe in it.
OK...
Oh shit, I can see that red thing in my eyes again! Even my dreams aren't safe of it...
I wonder if I'm far away from the Elements right now... Tomorrow's going to be pretty hard day...
"Uh, pardon me?"
Hey, I told you to shut up! These tops really are jerks!
"What meanest thou?"
Wait, you don't sound like a top... You sound like someone else...
...
OK, you are indeed not a top... But that's not better!
I know what you're thinking, Princess Luna... Well, actually I don't but that would have been a pretty cool thing to be able to do...
Anyway, your head is probably swarming with questions such as: who the fuck am I, or why do I know your name. And then, you were probably about to ask me why the fuck was I talking to a top, how did I get the Alicorn Amulet and —most importantly— do I want to fuck.
"What?!"
Well, maybe not that (I guess all these fanfic authors were terribly unrealistic then, strange)... But I'm still probably right for the rest of those!
"What creature art thou?"
Hah! See? I was right about that question!
Also, I didn't think you'd actually talk in that shitty way inexperienced writers try to imitate ancient English by replacing all you s by thou s and putting some r s at the end of verbs.
"I do not permit thou to criticize my language in such ways! Know that you face the Princess of the Night, ruler of Equestria, keeper of dreams..."
Yeah, yeah, I know! I'm far more informed than you think actually! I know everything about you!... Maybe a bit more than I would have wanted actually...
"How canst thou be aware of such information? I have never seen thee before!"
It's hard to explain... And then, I really don't want to talk right now. Especially about this ... My conversation with the top was more than enough! Just can't you, ponies, leave me alone in my dreams at least?
"I art the Princess of Dreams! It is my duty to patrol this realm! Thou art wearing the Alicorn Amulet! Oust it or meet the consequences of my royal wrath!"
And again, I was right about the fourth question... we're getting closer to the last one!
Anyway, I don't have the time for this, I need to go now! I hope you don't tell the fact some random and bizarre creature stole the Alicorn Amulet to anyone. I mean, I wouldn't want all the —extremely competent— royal guard to be after me! Goodbye, Princess of the Night, this was an extremely useless and stupid dialogue!
...
Oh, right, that's a dream, I can't go anywhere...
I mean, I can't unless I just randomly wake up for no reason other than plot con...
"...venience" mumbled John as his tired brain started emerging from its deep slumber.
"Oh fuck, you again! I thought I finally managed to get rid of you!
"Wait, now that my eyes are closed, some of that red smoke thing gets trapped under my eyelids. My vision's completely filled with red shit! It's like sitting next to a campfire, but you're the one who ends up getting all the smoke! Uh, it's really starting to itch!
"I guess there's one more reason to open my eyes..." snapping his aching eyes open, John almost instantly started to rub them.
"Uh, that's so much better!" he exclaimed, looking around the thick forest he was in.
"Uh, finally some —almost complete— solitude! I didn't talk to myself in ages! And in addition, for all this time, I needed to have actual conversations with beings that weren't me ! This adventure is just a complete torture! And then, now that both Luna and Zecora know of me, I'm 100% sure they'll send somepony to my research. Uh, I hope I won't need to deal with the Mane 6 in the near future...
"And knowing the narrator, some random pony's going to come out of the bushes in the next two seconds forcing me to have a long and boring conversation..."
...
"Oh, am I really alone for once? That's just amazing! Thanks mate!
"So, now that I can think normally, where am I and what should I do next?"
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Knowing Where You Are is Important... Unless Talking to Trees is Your Thing
"Well, what do we have here?" asked John looking around and trying to locate himself.
"Hmm, this doesn't exactly look like the Everfree Forest... I mean, there sure is a lot of spooky trees and shit, but I don't quite feel like I'm in the forest itself...
"I need to recollect all my needlessly deep knowledge of the MLP lore and...
"Wait, there's something over there... Something that doesn't look like a tree... Oh, shit, it's the Castle of the Two Sisters! That's a pretty good landmark! Since it's here, I should be able to find the Elements without any help!
"Errm... they're... over... there?" he guessed, pointing to a completely random end of the forest.
"Hmm... I guess Equestrian geography isn't the thing I'm the most aware of...
"OK, I might need some help after all! Narrator!" he called out, staring at the Western sky with interrogation.
"Hmm... That's cool, but... You remember how good I am with the cardinal points, right? I'd rather have something more precise and understandable to my mortal mind. Like... I don't know..." he wondered, wincing at the sight of the midday Sun which happened to position itself right above the heart of the Everfree Forest.
"Could I just get a map?"
...
"Please! At least, this way you wouldn't need to tell me where I am every two seconds! You know, it benefits you as much as me!" he pleaded, shaking his hands it the air, the sound of crumbling paper in his pockets suddenly reaching his ears.
"Thanks! I always knew you were a nice guy! So, where are w..."
"OK then, I guess you are a dick after all! You know what? I'll just go and find my way in this forest without any help! And... uh... I don't know what I wanted to say, but it wasn't something nice!"
...
"So, you're sulking now, aren't you? Well, I'll just go right... into that direction, and I bet I'll find these fucking trinkets faster than I would have with any of your advice!
"OK, so I'll just go in a straight line and... climb on some trees to find my path... and find the cave! Easy!
"Let's start with the first step, go in a straight line! I'm pretty good at that! I just need to try avoiding any Wolves and Manticores and Cockatrices and... trees.
"So, while I'm walking, what could I do that isn't just pointless self-dialogue? I mean, if there's no narrator to talk to, what could I do to pass the time? I guess, I could do a time skip again... Could I?"
...
"Huh! I guess there's no time skip this time around! So, I could... think about my shitty life... or try to avoid thinking about that horrible thing with the smoke in my eyes... or list my options of shitty activities I could do to pass the time...
"Oh, I know! I have my list! I could cross out the thing that didn't work... Now that I think about it, that's a really stupid way to spend my time... But what have I got else to do?"
"So, now that this is done, what else is there of..."
"Oh, shit, I really don't like the way these trees look... the way they look... at me..." stuttered John, highly unnerved by the forest's sudden change of atmosphere.
"No, don't tell me you are going to try to kill me again!" he exclaimed several trees making creaking noises and shifting slightly towards him.
"Shit."
Indeed, too absorbed in his monologuing, John did not see he had reached into the very heart of the Everfree Forest. Here, not even the wildest of creatures could survive. Only the trees prevailed. In the depths of this cursed woodland, bark could be as sharp as teeth and branches as agile and deadly as claws. Few were those who had ever come to this place... And even fewer came back.
"Hey, your spooky trees, here, aren't even canon! You can't just try murdering me with non-canon shit!" uttered John, a loud crack reaching his ears as the sharp edge of a gnarled root passed just a few centimeters from his shoulder.
"AHHHH! You can't tell me this place can exist in the nice world of ponies!" he cried out, dodging another strike from his bark-covered attackers "Murderous trees just don't fall under my definition of friendship !"
"Fuck! These things are terrifying!" he shouted as a thin root somehow managed to reach his feet and stared coiling around his shoes "Oh, shit! It's going to get me!"
"I think I'm even more in need of a Deus Ex Machina than last time!" he pleaded, the ruthless trees continuing their relentlessly slow advance "You can't kill me now narrator!"
"Wait... You really can't kill me now. I did way too few things to already die. You're forced to save me whether you want it or not! I know I 'm the main protagonist! Haha! I'm not scared of any tr..." the violent shock of wood against his skull interrupted John's —suddenly confident— speech.
Somehow still conscious, his confidence suddenly decreased "Or maybe I'm not that important after all!"
"Sorry, oh great narrator!" he exclaimed, closely dodging several heavy strikes "I won't be a jerk to you, just don't kill me yet!"
The trees' approach however, in no way slowed down, it even seemed like new ones appeared from some dark corner of John's vision, crawling across the blighted soil, thirsting for blood.
"Fuck!"
"What to do, what to do! How am I supposed to fight these things? How?!
"Well, there's always that thing that never works..."
"Please stop! We can talk about this! I'm sure I can list a few reasons killing me isn't the right solution!" John uttered at the murderous trees without much hope.
To his surprise however, this desperate attempt seemed to make the Treants stop.
Suddenly, a deep hoarse voice echoed from somewhere above "We are listening."
"Uh, excuse me?" turning around and looking up, John discovered the menacingly immense figure of what looked like an endlessly old Treant. The latter, observed him with great interest, its bark-covered face bearing countless trenches and gnarls.
"I said, we wouldn't mind talking. In the heart of these woods, conversations are far too scarce... but so is fresh flesh... "
"Seriously? The thing that never works worked on a bunch of fucking trees? Are you kidding me?"
"Uh, OK, I have a very good reason for why I shouldn't die!" quickly replied John, his voice heavily shaking.
"No, I don't! Oh, fuck, oh fuck, I need to come up with something and quickly!"
"Uh... Yes, life is like a flowing river, stop its course, at one point, and you might encounter the direst of consequences, at another!..."
"I was never good at metaphors..."
"...Indeed, the stream of one's existence coexists with the others in a way that can neither be comprehended nor explained..."
"At least, I have no idea of how it works..."
"...Thus, it is possible to presume that by putting a term to my life now, you can unleash such demise upon your kind that none can predict..."
"You can't predict something that won't happen!"
"...Is the risk worth the payoff? Is the scarce amount of meat my body contains enough to make up for the possible doom that my death could bring? Can forcing a life to end be justified? I highly doubt so!"
"In short: by the power of cheesy speeches, please don't eat me!
"Hmm... I see, but in this case, what is the meaning of this precious life that you value so much?"
"Seriously? And now, these trees are interested in deep philosophy? How does this make any sense? Oh, fuck... I need to answer!"
"It is truly a fascinating question that you ask me, however I fear that it's answer is far too long and complex to be announced in the few time we have."
"We have all the time in the world, young fleshling. Answer without restraint!
"Shit! My best dodging technique failed! I need to really think about it now!
"Uh... To begin, what is life? I need a clear definition of the concept, the question is far too vague."
"I just need to buy myself some time!
The Treant's expression turned into one of bemusement. He pondered his thoughts for several minutes before finally talking again"Indeed, what is life? Can we say that the planet itself lives its days, drifting throughout the universe? Can we consider life as a thing only conscious creatures are endowed with?
"And thus, what is consciousness? How do we know the universe itself does not have its almighty mind? How do we know we aren't, ourselves, part of a grand whole that can't be separated? How can we even know we are conscious?
"What if it all was a mere illusion, a trickery of the cosmic light that gives us the impression of deciding and perhaps even the illusion of existence? And if it's the case, what is the point of knowing the meaning of life if there is no proof of the latter's existence?
"Hmm, very bright of you indeed, young fleshling. Your answer was truly an interesting one... I like your reasoning a lot... I don't regret letting you live..."
"But I didn't say anything! OK, in addition to be a talking murderous tree, this thing just congratulated me for a reasoning he had himself! Just, what is happening here? Can't really complain though, I prefer that to be eaten alive...
"Oh, I better ask him a question before he says something else!"
"Uh, Mr. Tree?" asked John, unsure of himself.
"It is Ancient Gnarl Barks, young fleshling."
"I know you are the one who came up with this name and... I'll just ignore this shitty pun..."
"Uh, Ancient Gnarl Barks, would you mind if I asked a question of my own?"
"Go on little fleshling! I'd be delighted to share some of my millennia-old knowledge with a great mind of your sort!"
"Shit! Should have come up with a question first!"
"Uh... What do you think of..."
"Uh! And now I can't think of anything other than this shitty name! Well, there isn't really anything better anyway!
"of... the concept of Equality?"
"That's just a delightful question, young fleshling! I appreciate that subject a lot!"
"Who would have thought... And can this thing stop calling me fleshling? It doesn't help me to feel safer!"
"Well, let's start with the obvious: What is Equality? In fact, this extremely marvelous concept can be classified into several sub-parts..."
"Oh, fuck, this is going to be long..." thought John, striving to refrain from sighing.
"...First, it is interesting to reflect on the concept of justice. Indeed, what is Equality without justice? And, what is justice without injustice?..."
As the Ancient continued his speech, all the surrounding nature seemed to listen. Not only...
"You're going for a time skip, aren't you? I can't blame you, that's probably the right thing to do right now... Go on with it while I just wait here until he finishes..."
...did the other trees lend their bark-covered ears, the essence of the Everfree forest itself seemed to concentrate on the contemplative thoughts. Some animals even managed to enter this unholy place to take part in the grand audition. And the Ancient did not seem to be about to stop his speech...
The Treant spoke and spoke, he discussed, quoted and developed countless ideas illustrating each with endless examples. The sound of his harsh tongue hitting his wooden lips did not cease for what seemed like an eternity. Other Treants sometimes intervened, sharing their thoughts or agreeing with their leader. At last, the speech approached its end.
"... and thus, young fleshling, in consideration of the points discussed earlier, it is with certainty that I can tell you that the Sun is, in fact, a potato." he finally concluded, extremely satisfied. Loud cracks —probably the Treants' equivalent of applause— filled the air...
"FIVE HOURS! THIS THING LASTED FIVE FUCKING HOURS! I JUST WANNA DIE NOW! I BET YOUR TIME SKIP WASN'T TOO HARD TO BEAR, WAS IT? AHH, MAYBE BEING EATEN ALIVE WASN'T THE WORST OPTION AFTER ALL!
"Did my answer satisfy you, young fleshling?" the sound of the Treant's voice brought John back to reality.
"Oh, how it did! In fact, your brilliant ideas made me want to spread them across the entirety of this planet! I only have one desire now: tell the world of your brilliant thoughts!"
"And finally leave this fucking place!"
"It is a delight to hear such compliments! Go, little fleshling, spread your thirst for knowledge across the world, but know that these woods will forever be waiting for you!
"I bet they'll wait for a long time then...
"Now that I think about it, you do remind me of a certain pink unicorn I met several years ago... Well, it doesn't matter, you can go now!
"Yeah, try to link your shitty tree-people to the canon lore! Good luck with that!
"Goodbye Ancient Gnarl Barks, thanks again for sharing your knowledge with me!"
"Ahh! I need to leave this place and quickly or I'll just die of boredom!
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Long Buildups.......................... Are Long
Leaving the heart of the forest, John’s relief was immeasurable.
“Of course, it is! I think I’ll be scared of trees for ages now… Wait, I’m in a forest. That’s a problem if I’m scared of trees…”
“Phew! I can finally come back to my quest now and find these fucking Elements!” he exclaimed, coming to a stop in what looked like a clearing.
“Wait, what’s that thing over there? It looks like… the castle... again? Did I really do all this just to come back to my starting point? That's just unfair!"
However, there was something about this castle that John has forgotten about...
"What do you mean? What is there in this stupid ruin that can be of any relevance to me right now?...
"Wait, what's that over there?... Under the castle... Oh... Right... The Tree of Harmony is under the castle... I'm stupid...
"So, I actually could have avoided this whole thing with the trees and shit..."
"So, what if instead of complaining, I finally went into this thing? Let’s fucking go!" shouted John, rushing towards the cave with determination.
“Don’t you dare make me stumble on some stupid ro…” his cry of protest was interrupted by a rock on his path. The latter making him stumble and fall onto the dirty grass.
“Uh, you’re just so predictable! I mean, it doesn’t stop me from falling for your shit anyway, but still! Try to vary your ways to torture me a bit!” he uttered, earth and leaves all over his face.
“OK, so, let’s forget about this, and go there slowly .”
“What will I do when I’m there? Which Element should I pick? Should I put it on directly? Will I even be able to take them from the tree? Uh... All these dramatically intense questions and yet, no answer!...
"Actually, when you think about it, who cares! I mean, at least the Elements can’t hurt me, they’re probably the safest thing I’ll be dealing with. Nothing can go wrong…" having these thoughts, John continued his way downwards, rapidly reaching the Cave of Harmony.
Here, he stopped just before the entrance, contemplating the cavern's interior. The place was…
"Shut up! I can do the description by myself! I don’t need your shitty complex vocabulary! Swear words are much fucking better to explain shit!
"Wow! This is fucking awesome! There are all those little crystal thingies everywhere and the floor is blue and shit! And the Tree’s fucking cool too! That's just amazing!
"Wait, it’s a tree . I said I’ll be scared of trees for ages…
“Meh! No one cares about continuity anyway! At least I don’t! And since I’m alone, that count as everyone!”
Approaching the Tree, John saw the Elements encrusted into its crystal bark.
“And how am I supposed to get those things out of here? I mean, they’re in the tree, this is going to be more complicated than I thought…” lost in his thoughts, he placed his hands upon the Tree’s surface —as he would have done with any wall. However...
“I don’t like it, when you say that…”
…instead of the normal lack of reaction, the Trees crystal bark began to glow. This radiance grew stronger and stronger until it finally started concentrating into five distinct epicenters of prismatic blaze. The Elements were reacting.
"Oh, shit."
Suddenly, the illumination ceased. Everything returned to normal, the only exception being the Elements. The latter exited their crystal prison thus coming into John’s reach.
"That’s oddly convenient even for you… I’m starting to feel like you’re about to do something that I won’t like… Uh, I don’t feel this right…
"Maybe I shouldn’t pick those things up… But then, what else can I do? I didn’t go here to spend the day talking about philosophy with some trees and walking in the forest for nothing! I can’t jut leave this shit here and… Go away! And then, there isn’t anything that’s as easy to steal as the Elements!
"Nah, I might end up regretting this, but I’ll test my luck anyway!" resolving his self-conflict, John wasted no ti…
"Wait, which one should I pick?... That’s a very stupid question… Huh, who cares, I’ll just put them all on!" deciding on that, he clumsily climbed on an adjacent rock and reached for the upper branches of the Tree. One by one, he removed the trinkets from their usual pedestals and put them on the cavern floor.
"Uuh… So, how do I put all of them on again?
"Oh, I have a terrible idea… I’ll put them around my arms and legs. That’ll work at least. It sure isn’t the most practical way to wear them, though…
"Hmm... That's weird, during this whole thing I was overly hesitant... It's almost like this was an extremely long buildup for something... Long buildups usually don’t mean anything good… I like this even less than I did before…”
"Uh, who cares, you won’t kill me anyway! Even those tree-people somehow managed to not end up ending my life. I’m sure it won’t be different for the Elements of Harmony! I mean, those trinkets are supposed to spread peace and friendship, not kill random dudes!" making his decision, John started to put the Elements on one by one.
However, as the first Element touched his skin, a purplish light started to emanate from its golden surface.
"Oh, that’s a… good sign, I guess. At least I’m not feeling excruciating pain… and that’s already pretty good… Honestly, I was expecting worse."
As the colored glow grew stronger, a feeling of…
"Let me guess… excruciating pain?"
…inner strength arose within John’s mind…
"That’s surely better than excruciating pain! Are you telling me that this thing’s actually going to work and turn me into a demon or something? That’d be amazing!... But also, too easy… Hmm… I’m still not entirely sure about this…”
But despite his skepticism, the might of the Element's magic imbued his human self, the glow now encompassing his whole body. He slowly floated into the air, the light’s intensity becoming nearly unbearable to his eyes.
“Oh fuck, that feels good! I don’t feel completely useless anymore! It’s like… I just drunk at least two whole cans of Mountain Dew (not sponsored by the way) ! That’s just amazing!”
The transformation begun. Dark energy awoke within John’s essence and started rearranging his molecules. As a strong wave of heat washed over his body, he felt the bones in his back crack and rearrange, leaving free the way for a sharp pair of wings that spread behind him…
"OH, FUCK YEAH, THAT’S AMAZING!... OK, I’ll stop screaming random shit right now or else this whole thing’s going to sound extremely cheesy…"
…He felt a slight inch in the iris of his eyes. Quickly blinking, he saw the word under a new angle as his —now vertical pupils— accommodated themselves to the strong lighting. John's skin cracked slightly as the ends of him fingers elongated into knifelike claws. A discomfort in his mouth preceded his teeth's metamorphosis into fangs, alike to those of a tiger.
"That’s awesome!... Oh, shit, I have that weird demon voice now? Is it necessary? I mean, it does sound pretty edgy, but that’s just extremely unusual to hear!
"...I always wanted to try this... LALALALAAAAAAA... "he sang, horribly "OK, sorry for your nonexistent ears, but I just needed to do this. "
"Aye!... " John suddenly exclaimed as one of his fangs came in contact with his lip"I guess fangs are cooler to look at than to have.
Turning his head, John noticed his reflection on the cave’s crystal wall.
“Well, I kinda look like a shitty Equestria Girls OC, but isn’t that what I wanted? I mean, that’s pretty edgy!... Oh, and thanks to those pupils, I don’t even see this smoke thing! OK, now this is 100% worth it! ”
“Wait, so now that I’m a demon, can I at least do some magic or something? ” he wondered, waving his —now clawed— hand before his eyes with uncertainty.
“Well let’s give it a try! ” he exclaimed, snapping his fingers to find a spiky dark crystal appear just before him.
“That’s awesome! I need some more of these spiky things! I mean, spikes are edgy, right? ” having these thoughts, he started snapping his fingers again and again, creating similar crystal spikes all over the cave’s walls.
However, in his excitement, John did not pay attention to the rest of the Elements…
"Shit. "
…Indeed, once the transformation was completed, a faint glow overtook the latter. Each Element ignited in the color or its gem, the whole forming a multicolored rainbow.
As the intensity of the radiance grew, the crown on John’s head too started to glow. Ever so slowly, all the Elements were ablaze. Even slower, the gems started to levitate, forming a pentagon that meant nothing good to any evil in the area.
"No! You can’t do this to me! Not after hyping me so much! "
As the Elemental formation completed itself, a faint light appeared in its center. A blast was coming. And its target was none other than John.
“Hmm… there’s one thing that no villain ever tried to do against this… ”
As the faint glow became brighter, the Elements concentrating their might, John too braced himself. He wasn’t ready to give up so easily.
“Sure, I don’t… All I need to do… is… ” he concentrated on the multicolored light “DODGE! ” he shouted, lunging to the side as the multicolored beam went off right in his direction.
However, instead of the elegant dodge he planned, the result was more of a fail. Indeed, as one of his new wings hit the cavern wall, the other didn't help him to remain upright. His mass going towards the floor once again, the only thing he could see was the blinding rainbow of light blasting right into his chest.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! "
As the beam, penetrated his body, the Elements' magic immediately attacked his cells. Unable to breathe, unable to see, the only thing he could feel was pain. Excruciating pain.
The Elements of Harmony knew no pity. Their mission was to protect Equestria and remove threats to its peace. And the means to remove these threats could sometimes be all but gentle.
This was what John currently experienced. Within his body as within his mind, the magic of Harmony raged war against its shaded enemies. The conflict was draconian. It felt as if his soul was getting ripped from his body. The suffering comparable or even worse than death.
It only lasted a few seconds but felt an eternity.
"Oh, fuck... Why are you doing this to me? These are the Elements of Harmony, not some fucking torture device!... I mean, I did tell you to diversify your ways to mutilate me, but that... I knew this buildup wasn't leading to anything good..."
Drained of his forces as well as of all evil, John fell to the floor, unable to move, the dark crystals he placed earlier hurting his back.
Smoke
…
Wait, that’s how dream sequences usually begin! Oh, fuck off!
I don’t want to meet any tops or Princess Lunas again!
You know what? I’m just waking..."
"...up!"
"Oh, fuck… Waking up maybe wasn't the best idea… My whole body hurts here…
"And why did I put all these spiky things everywhere? They're edgy and all, but I guess my back doesn't appreciate edgy shit as much as I do…
"Wait a minute… What the fuck happened to the smoke in my eyes? No… That's just stupid! You can't do this to me!
"There is no way being shot by the Elements of Harmony made the smoke become blue! I mean, now it isn't even edgy! It's just stupid and hurts my eyes!
"Ugh…I can't believe I was this close to success and failed so hard…" he grunted, lifting his hurting body of the sharp-crystal-covered ground.
"What's my plan now?... I don't even know! I could look at my amazingly well-organized plan-thing…
"Wait, the Elements are still here… And I don't think they're going to torture me again any time soon… I hope.
"I mean, I could take them with me, they still can be useful at some point." deciding on that, John approached the Elements of Harmony, lying on the floor in the same position he saw them before being shot.
"Huh, am I sure about that though? What if when I put them on again, they'll shatter my heart and soul while devouring the very essence of my consciousness and destroying any perception of reality except that of excruciating pain as they just did a minute ago?
"Ah, I'll take the risk! It's not like It's going to kill me or anything!" and John was right indeed as now that his body was purged of any essence undesirable to Equestria, there was no further point in torturing him once more.
"Oh, thanks! That's reassuring!... Could have avoided torturing me the first time too!" he uttered, his voice loudly echoing throughout the cave and masking the slight sound of hoofsteps outside.
"OK, I'll just shut up and get out of here before getting caught by anything else able to injure me in any way!" he exclaimed, quickly grabbing the Elements and forcing his injured and tired body towards the exit as fast as he could master.
"Oh, fuck, now not only do my eyes hurt, but so does the integrity of my body! At least I have the Elements or else this whole thing would have been an extremely painful waste of time!"
Approaching the cave opening, he slowed down a bit, careful not to alert any creature lurking outside. Leaning his head next to the caves wall, he peeked outside to see what was waiting for him there.
"Oh, it's the royal guard… I bet Luna didn't appreciate the fact some weird creature is running free with the Alicorn Amulet…
"I guess I need to get past them. I mean, it's not really a problem since they're all pretty much as intelligent as Skyrim NPCs, but… no actually that's it. I bet I could just walk past them and…"
"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM! NOBODY BREAKS THE LAW ON MY WATCH!" shouted an intimidating voice from somewhere behind John.
Turning around, he saw the threatening figure of a massive royal guard, glaring at him with fierce determination.
"AH! What the fuck?!
"Wait, I didn't think you were literally NPCs!"
"What?" answered the guard, visibly as confused as John was scared several moments ago.
"Ah, forget about it…"
"So, I was saying: STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL…"
"Yeah, I got that part."
"Oh, sorry. YOU COMMITTED CRIMES AGAINST EQUESTRIA…"
"OK, could you stop shouting and tell me what's exactly the laws that I'm breaking right now?"
"Uh, that's a good question." The guard looked lost in his thoughts for moment before asking one of his subordinates "What was our mission again?" the latter gave him the same troubled look before searching his saddlebags and extracting a piece of crumbled paper from one of them. Glancing at it, his expression grew satisfied. He proceeded by giving the paper to the first guard.
"Ah yes, we were sent here by the Princess of the Night in order to find and arrest the suspicious creature in possession of the Alicorn Amulet . That's the thing you're wearing, right?" he quizzed John, pointing his hoof towards the trinket on his neck.
Looking at the Amulet, John desperately tried to come up with some way to dodge the question, before suddenly realizing it was now blue as the smoke in his eyes.
"What, this?..." he asked, the tension extremely sensible in his voice despite all his efforts to conceal it "Of course it's not!... I mean, just look at it! It's blue!"
"I hope this thing's going to work… I mean, they're guards after all, fooling them shouldn't be too hard."
"Oh." the guard seemed troubled once again. He looked at the paper again, the image upon it becoming visible to John this time.
"Hmm, according to the Princess' portrait, the thing's in fact supposed to be red."
"I see Luna's drawing skills aren't much higher than the intelligence of these guys. I wonder how this country still exists…"
"Sorry then. Uh… What were you doing here?"
"Fuck, I need to dodge another question."
"Erm… I'm… visiting… the forest… yeah, it's a very nice forest you have right here!"
"Well, then good luck in your visit, stranger! I hope you're enjoying our land!"
"Sure, I am! I've never suffered this much pain and emotional shock in so little time!"
"Oh, Equestria is truly delightful! Well, I wish good fortune in your duties too! I hope you'll be able to find this strange creature as fast as possible!"
Saying goodbye, the Royal Guards continued their route through the forest leaving John alone once again.
"DID THEY JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THE FACT I HAD THE ELEMENTS ON ME ALL ALONG?!
"Honestly, I think they're even worse than Skyrim NPCs…"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Alone once more, John stood in the empty crater before the Cave of Harmony.
"Well, a lot of shit happened in the last few minutes... But at least now, I'm alone and pretty safe. That's positive. I mean, the guards won't bother me anymore and if I don't go into this fucking forest too much, I should be able to avoid the trees...
"But, what's the plan now? I mean, I've got the Elements, at a price, but I still got them. So, what should I go for next? I don't think there are a lot of other artifacts around here...
"I mean, I could look at my amazing plan and cross the Elements out while I'm at it..."
"So, I already got the Amulet and the Elements. What's next?"
"Huh, the Fallen Star is still somewhere over here, but the fact I have absolutely no idea of where it is didn't change either. And with my orientation skills, I highly doubt I'll be able to find it even with the narrator's help."
"So, the closest thing seems to be the Golden Apple, if I'm here at the right moment of the timeline of course..."
"I guess I'll go there then..."
"But then, the possibility it won't even be here shouldn't be forgotten… and even if it is, I'll probably be too lazy to look for it anyway…
"Ah, I'll come up with a better plan on the path!" John exclaimed, heading back towards the forest.
"I won't go inside the Everfree again though. Those wolves and Manticores and trees weren't the best things to encounter. I'll follow a path this time!
"I mean, there surely is a path from here towards Ponyville? It's just logical!" he guessed, scanning the surroundings in search of a clear track.
"What, are you telling me that there's no trail to Ponyville from the fucking Cave of Harmony? You can't be serious?" in his confusion, John made his path towards the nearest trees desperately looking for the road.
"It's right behind me, isn't it? That's the kind of thing you usually do..." turning around John discovered a nice track surrounded by thick forest.
"Yeah... obviously..."
"Anyway, the only problem with this path is that there might be someone else on it. That would suck... But then, I really don't want to listen to another philosophic lecture, so I guess that's the best solution..." taking the forest path, John sunk into his thoughts.
"So, if the Apple won't be there —which is probably what's going to happen— what's my backup plan?
"Hmm... I don't want to go under water yet, so the pearl thing probably isn't the best target. And in addition, it's like, really far away, if travel in the Everfree takes multiple hours, what will traversing this whole country be like? I mean, I'm not a horse, I can't walk for days!
"So, then there's Dark Water. I'm pretty sure that's the thing the most likely to work in some way. But then, I don't even know where it exactly is!
"Oh, fuck, I was stupid when writing this plan... I don't even know where most of this shit is located!"
"So, the only option left is something else I probably forgot about . Wow, that's a precise plan that I've got here...
"Wait, I have an idea! An idea so stupid and illogical from cannon and non-cannon standpoints that there's no way it won't work! I mean, plot convenience is the only kind of logic that stands right now...
"So, since I've got the Elements, and the Elements were used to defeat Nightmare Moon, maybe there's a shitty way to rez that Nightmare thing!
"Or... maybe not... I mean, there's literally no basis for me to be claiming this, but I'd rather do that than fight some fish-horse-people. And then, Canterlot is the capital of ponies. It's always not that bad of a plan to go there I guess..." as John continued monologuing, the forest around him started to grow lighter. The trees became scarcer and less menacing, somewhere in the distance some signs of pony activity could even be seen.
"Well, I'm extremely surprised by the lack of shitty random encounters on this walk. I mean, I'm not there yet, but the fact I wasn't assaulted by random characters, asking me for what the fuck am I and other such questions is already a good sign." this is when...
"Shit. Jinxed it..."
...a sudden gust of wind blew upon the nearest trees, making some leaves on their branches tremble.
"Huh, I see... Now you're trolling me while using the opportunity to put some of that completely useless description in here... Smart moves...
"Oh, that Applejack's plantation over there, isn't it? It seems plot convenience still reigns... I can't even see anyone near the trees! The only thing missing would be the Golden Apple just randomly falling upon my head or something... Oh, shit why did I say tha..." exclaimed John, before quickly regretting his words, as the latter were interrupted by a sudden shock on the back of his head.
"OH, FUCK! That's painful!... I mean, not nearly as painful as the Elements but fuck...
"Uh, and, I feel dizzy now... No, please don't make me black out into a dream sequence... I'm sick of..."
...Tops
Wait, tops? Oh no, really? Now the whole dreamscape is made of tops…
That's as stupid as it is annoying.
Why did it have to be tops…
"Insignificant human! I've told you tops were the master race! Look, we control the world now! It's only us! Your insults towards our mighty kind have only made us stronger. Your mind can no longer be rid of tops! "
Oh, no... Why can't my brain think of something else? I'm trapped with fucking tops now...
"Haha! And now there is no excuse for you to avoid the speeches about our superiority! You can't escape the truth!
Fuck, I'm pretty sure even Princess Luna would be better than this... Oh, fuck why did I say that...
"Yes?"
And now you're here too... Oh, you know what? Why won't you listen to the fascinating ideas these tops have to offer?
Oh, right, you control the dreams, they're already gone...
So, I guess I need to talk to you right now… Why are my dreams such a mess…
"I see thou hast gotten past my elite Royal Guards. Truly impressive, vile creature... But do not think that thou shalt be able to roam free!"
Wow, I'm scared...
I mean, now that the guards think I'm just a tourist, what can you do? And even if they didn't, were you really thinking that the Royal Guard —the most incompetent organization in the entirety of the universe— would be able to get me?
"Do not insult my elite troops, vile creature, they might not be the brightest, but… that's not very important for soldiers…
"But even if you surpassed their collective effort, do not think that you won, as I shalt not be defeated this easily! If my guards could not get thou, I shall act by myself!"
Wait, are you saying that you're going to do something? Like, a Royal Princess actually acting and being useful? You mean, you doing something? It just can't be! Isn't this forbidden?
"Deuce! Thou art aware of the Royal code! I cannot disobey its sacred rules... unless the situation is dire enough... No, action cannot be an option..."
Right, it's illegal, that's what I thought... It explains a lot actually…
"Or perhaps, the situation is extremely dire... Perhaps the time to act hast come at last..."
OK, could you please stop with you extremely over-dramatic monologue? If you continue like this, it might start sounding even less natural than me...
"SILENCE, thief! Thy evil deeds shalt not stay unpunished!"
OK, so that's the moment when I leave her in this dramatic monologuing state and just randomly wake up in the middle of a wo...
"...rd" John mumbled as he slowly emerged from his enforced slumber.
"I bet you didn't let me faint in peace, did you? There's obviously somepony here..."
...
"Well that's interesting..." troubled, John got up slightly and carefully opened his eyes —a small cloud of blue smoke escaping as his eyelids separated.
"Oh, I nearly forgot about that thing...
"So, what do we have here?...
"Well firstly, its nighttime, that's pretty good for not being noticed. And then... Huh, interesting, there's no one around. I'm almost disappointed in you, narrator...
"Now that I think about it, I didn't really see any signs of barns in the surroundings... But then, I didn't really have the time to see anything before that Apple fell on my skull...
"But even so, there's like a fuck-ton of barns near the Apple farm, I should have noticed at least one..."
"I mean, now that it's dark, I can't really confirm anything... And then it's genuinely not my problem at the moment! I've got a Golden Apple to eat!
"I mean, what else could it have been that made me black out like that? My head hurts horribly now, it can't be anything else!
"So, where's that thing?" exclaimed John looking around in desperate search of the precious fruit.
"Don't you dare do that thing again! The fact I'm bad at locating things can't be my only character trait!
"Oh, here it is!" he uttered, noticing the Apple in the neighboring grass.
"Can't wait to see how am I about to fail at eating it..."
Picking the Apple up, John looked at it in doubt. "That thing sure does look like it's done out of metal..."
Readying himself, he put the Apple into his mouth and took a bite, or perhaps tried to...
"Oh, fuck my teeth! This fucking thing's literally gold, how are you supposed to eat it?! I mean these ponies must have amazing teeth to be able to bite pure gold!
"I guess that's another artifact to cross off my list... I'll take it with me like the rest then..."
"Oh, fuck this was painful... Hmm... It's almost like every artifact I'm picking up now is hurting me in some way. Is this a message or something? Like, a way to tell me that evil is bad and that I shouldn't try obtaining infinite power, but perhaps go talk to someone or get a life... Maybe, the narrator is trying to make me question my behavior and lead me to become a good person... Nah, that's just bullshit, this narrator fucking sucks, he couldn't be trying to do anything other than torture me!
"Well, then it's time to head towards Canterlot I suppose...
"It's going to be a long way... I better keep walking." taking his decision, John looked around, in search of some landmark able of giving him a rough idea of where he was about to go.
"Just tell me where's that city, don't be a dick!" he demanded the air in annoyance. However, the latter did not seem to be inclined to provide any help at the moment.
"OK then, I guess I could try thinking about it and end up lost in some random non-canon place… or…"
"Well, I've got another idea… It might not be the best one, but at least, I won't need to be dealing with this cocky narrator to make it work."
"What if I try getting help from Lyra?…"
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Background Characters... They Should Stay in the Background
"OK, so I've got a plan."said John as he contemplated the distant shades of Ponyville across the night.
"Yeah, and this plan doesn't involve you so, just shut up.
"So, I mean, Lyra should be able to help me, shouldn't she? Uh, it'd make sense, to me at least...
"She's supposed to be the one obsessed with humans, right? If a human shows up... something'll happen for sure...
"I'm kinda scared of her reaction now...
"Meh! I better keep walking instead of constantly doubting every single of my ideas that isn't completely stupid.
"But then, like I'm literally going to interact with another character free willingly... That's surely something the narrator's going to use to somehow make me less alone and able to monologue...
"I mean, trying to reason with this guy's probably harder than avoiding any character development he could be trying to inflict on me." reflecting on the matter, John now approached the desert streets of the nocturnal town.
"Uh, that's weird, I never saw this place so devoid of life... It's almost one of those end of the world grimdark fics where everyone's dead, except no one's actually dead and I'm just hugely overreacting...
"Wait, there's something other that life that's missing in this town... Something vaguely in the shape of a middle finger... Oh fuck, the castle isn't there! I almost don't feel attacked by Hasbro when looking at this place, that's unsettling...
"Well, that probably just because I'm here before season 4 or something. Uh, it's not important for the moment anyway, I'm looking for Lyra, not Twilight!
"Wait, I think I've got another problem... Where's Lyra supposed to live?
"Fuck, I'm back to this stupid orientation problem again... I guess there are some frames in the episodes that vaguely show where she lives, but I'm not a robot, I have a life!
"Uhmm, the last statement actually isn't true... So, I think I could be able to recognize the place when I'm next to it... Maybe...
"I can't believe my deep knowledge of... two or three random MLP characters would be useful one day!
"Anyway, I guess I just need to remember where it is...
"...
"Not here I suppose... Or perhaps... this door kinda looks similar to another door that I've seen once...
"I don't know... did even this perfectly crafted plan fail? That's just sad. And again, It's all because I can't find where it is...
"I should really stop being stupid, the joke's getting old at this point...
"OK, so I could just knock on this random door. I mean, it kinda looks like the one from the show when I think about it, but then it's only logical that they look alike since this literally is the world in which the show happens so...
"Ugh... What's the worst that could happen?" approaching the unremarkable door, John slowly reaching out to knock on it, ready to encounter whatever creature lived inside.
"You know what, I should hesitate a bit more, honestly, there wasn't enough of this awkward should I do this self-conflicting monologue yet, don't you think so?"
...
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking, what if, after the knocking process has been terminated, the door explodes in a thaumatic blast of unsymmetrical energy, causing the apparition of a multidimensional vortex that summons the almighty eldritch deities into this colorful world? Wouldn't such an event be sad?...
"OK, I'll just knock on it already..." he conceded, striking the wooden surface with his fist.
At first, nothing happened, no reaction nor movement seemed to be occurring inside...
"Oh, that'd be boring, I don't want to be forced to just sit here for the rest of the night!"
... but then, ever so slowly, the sound of unsure hooves upon wooden flooring came from the inside, approaching.
"Are you trying to make the event of someone opening a door dramatic? If you are, just please stop, it doesn't work!"
At last, the door swung open and John finally saw the house's inhabitant.
"Great... It's Background Pony Number 347..." the remark may have been indiscreet, but the one opening did seem quite worthy of it. Behind the door, stood a completely average Earth pony, its dull gray fur almost contrasting with the lively colors of what John was expecting.
"Uhm, it's 377" he retorted, a bit annoyed.
"What?"
"You got my name wrong, it's Background Pony Number 377 not Background Pony Number 347. I mean, how stupid does Background Pony Number 347 sound!"
"Yeah... sure..."
"OK, so now that this problem's out of the way, what the fuck are you and why are you knocking at my door at 3 AM?"
"Fuck, I need my amazing dodging techniques or else I'll need to explain shit...
"Well, that's a great question..."
"Yeah, that's why I'm asking it."
"Well, you see, life is complicated and doesn't always flow that way you want it to..."
"Great, now just answer my question."
"But isn't the true question here, what is life? ?"
"No, the true questions are what the fuck are you and why are you here?"
"OK, time to switch to my intimidation technique..."
"So you want to know what the fuck am I?"
"Yeah, that's what I want."
"SO ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I?"
"YES I FUCKING WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!"
"SO YOU ARE FUCKING TELLING ME THAT YOU JUST FUCKING ASKED ME WHAT I AM?"
"Yes."
"OK then, just wanted to be sure."
"I understand, this kind of questions could be confusing at times. So, now just answer it."
" Time for the last resort."
"Uh, yes."
"..."
"I guess I need to explain it then..."
"OK, so I'm John. And, I'm kinda from another dimension which sounds like bullshit, but really isn't... at least I think... And why am I here?... So, I was somewhat looking for Lyra Heartstrings, but since I'm dumb as fuck, don't really know where she lives, so I just decided to knock on a random door that happened to be yours."
"Uh another one of those looking for Lyra Heartstrings! Why does no one ever knock on my door just to see me!"
"Wait, does this kind of situations often happen?"
"No, it totally doesn't I just wanted to complain and this seemed like a goodish excuse... So, what are you going to do? I'm not telling you where she lives. My life's way too boring to just let you go right away! Sometimes I wonder why does nothing interesting ever happen to me..."
"Great... Can I come in then? Because we seem to be randomly screaming quite a lot and I doubt your neighbors appreciate that."
"Inviting an unknown creature that claims to be coming from another dimension into your home isn't usually the best of ideas... and usually means that you had a bit too much of these werid mushrooms... but I don't remember having anymushrooms recently, so... Yeah, come in, I guess. We'll just awkwardly talk inside or something..." leading the way, Background Pony Number 377 came in, John following him closely.
On the inside, the house was quite basic. After a small corridor, could be seen a tiny kitchen, the latter mixing itself with an unremarkable living room. Some other closed doors, seemingly leading to bedrooms and such could also be seen. Overall, the place really didn't have anything special to it. Everything wasn't too clean nor too messy. Just perfectly average...
"This isn't the kind of places that reminds me of the fact I'm in a world populated by fucking cartoon horses.
"Yeah... so just a little question, is your name or variations of it common, like, in the region?"
"Well, of course it is! We're all just serial numbers and... NO! What are you thinking?!" suddenly exclaimed the pony, startling John "I mean, what would such a thing involve? Like, you're trying to tell me that our whole life has been a lie and were're all just mindless puppets, created to distract young children and weird adults that watch us go on with our everyday lives in the background of a completely artificial film or something?"
"No... not at all... that'd be ridiculous!..." agreed John, collecting all his inner acting skills in order to sound natural.
"Completely ridiculous, right? My parents just didn't like me, that's why they gave me this stupid name! They thought it was subversive or something... Meh, I don't even care anymore!" continued the pony, approaching a small sofa in the corner of the living room and sitting upon it. Once there, he invited John to rejoin him and took a bowl of chips from a nearby table, putting it on the sofa.
Unsure of what to say next, John decided to put another inquiry out of the way "Uhm... so, have you heard of the Princess of Friendship or something like that recently?" he asked unsurely, as he came to sit next to his host.
"Princess of what? Friendship?" exclaimed the other "That'd be just stupid! Where do you have this idea from? Why would such a bullshit concept as friendship need a representation?! It isn't even that important! I mean, look at me! I don't have any friends and I'm completely fine!" he added, plunging a greasy hoof into a bowl of chips, somehow managing to grab some and put them into his mouth.
John observed the process with fascination, both impressed by the stickiness of the pony's hooves and suddenly remembering he didn't eat in about a day.
The hunger emerging in his mind, only one question really bothered him now "May I have some of this too?" he asked, grinning at the bowl carnivorously.
"No! These are mine!" retorted the pony, slightly hurt by the demand "I started eating them 3 months ago and won't let some weird stranger just steal my precious chips! If you want something, just look in the fridge." he stated, pointing at the latter, then added in hesitation "Well, actually, I wouldn't do that... I didn't open it for about three weeks and not planning on doing it in fear of some strange life form emerging inside. I'll just go fetch you something less dangerous..."
Taking his decision, Background Pony Number 377, walked off into an adjacent room that probably served as storage, leaving John alone with his thoughts.
"Well, that's cool… at least now I know I'm here before season 3. But then, I'm starving again... And even though this guy doesn't sound that bad, he sure won't help me a lot... I mean, at least, I can be quite sure he won't be doing the opposite either…"
"At least the narrator isn't trying to do any shipping for the moment, it's definitely fine with me…"
Emerging from his thoughts once again, John noticed the pony come back with a large bowl. As the stallion walked past him, an interesting detail caught his eye. The pony's Cutie Mark was quite unique. Indeed, upon his gray flanks resided nothing other than the word "BLANK".
Despite being confused by this fact, John decided not to talk about it for the moment.
"So, here's all I found. I'm not quite sure what it is, but it should in theory be eatable. I guess you'll never know unless you try it!" exclaimed the pony as he put another bowl down on the sofa, placing it just next to a perplexed John.
"That's reassuring…"
Looking into the bowl, its content did seem quite strange. There, could be seen small multicolored pieces of an unknown material that rapidly twitched in place. A light smoke also emanated from these particles, the latter glowing as the nocturnal sky.
"So that's what you meant by less dangerous ... Are you even sure that's… food? I mean, I'm quite open about new cultures and dishes, but this just looks more alive than eatable."
"Ah, don't worry! I only buy things I can eventually eat! It can't be poison, why would I need that! It's probably some magical shit for unicorns I bought by accident, it shouldn't really affect you in any way!"
"Uhm… OK, I guess I'm too hungry to judge anyway!"
"Oh, mate, while you eat, I think I too, have a question to ask. I just noticed, but why the fuck are you wearing the Elements of Harmony and the Alicorn Amulet? Like, aren't these supposed to be quite powerful magical artifacts? How did you get them? And why are you here, eating chips with some random guy when these things are supposed to give you the power to destroy the universe of something?"
"Shit."
"Well, it's complicated…" started John, staring into his bowl with a mix of disgust, hunger and thoughtfulness.
"Well, obviously."
"Just let me eat and I swear I'll explain it to you… unless you have any open windows by which I could awkwardly flee…" looking around in search of the latter, John was quite disappointed by the lack of any escape route.
As he started unwillingly consuming the sparkling particles, the pony added "I mean, you don't have to…" then, thinking about it for several seconds changed his mind "Or actually… you do have to. It's almost like I'm finally part of something interesting, I won't just let you flee!"
Several seconds passed in partial silence, as John made up his mind about the weird tingling sensation this new food was causing in his brain. It was kinda pleasant, but also extremely unnerving. Calming his urge to eat, he stopped to explain the situation.
"So broadly, I stole all this shit, however, since I'm a fucking human, it doesn't work on me! So now, I'm just out of logical ideas and trying to make some random shit up in order to make something work."
"Yeah, and so that's why you were going to see Lyra, right?"
"Yeah, but I got you instead, so I guess I'll just work with that."
"So, you mean, something's about to actually happen in my boring life?"
"No, of course not! I just mean that when we're done awkwardly talking, I'll go to see Lyra and you'll stay here, useless as you always were."
"That ain't nice! You rose my hopes so high just to end up confirming my life's meaninglessness!"
"OK, actually, I just don't want to have anyone in my immediate surroundings for more than an hour, so I can't really do anything with you…"
"It's a shame this kind of characters exist… Image living just to know nothing interesting's ever going to happen in your life… Ugh, I wouldn't like that. Fortunately, this kind of people isn't a thing IRL… Or is it?..."
"Oh, that's sad, but it makes sense I guess…"
"However, I must say that if I ever manage to make my plan work, you won't be one of those corpses decorating my spiky villain castle! I'll try making you a bit more relevant…"
"Nice to hear such sweat words… OK, so can our conversation become a bit less dramatic and sad now?"
"Yeah, good idea."
"So, how were these rainbow things?"
"Uhm, quite strange actually… I don't know…"
"I think I just remembered where I got them! So, yeah, it was a creepy hooded dude that sold them to me. I think he said they were from the Rainbow Factory or something like that. I think I was like: "This sounds pretty gay; I should get some of that" then bought them. Weird story when you think about it."
"Cool… so firstly I probably just ate some shredded ponies and secondly it tasted quite good, I think I liked it. My life's a fucking mess…"
"Oh, that explains some things…"
"Does it?"
"AH, just forget about it… Uhmm… So what do you actually do in your life. Like, you said you're extremely useless and shit, but what do you actually spend your time at."
"Well, when I said I'm doing nothing, I wasn't exaggerating. You see, when I got to the employment office, the guy here just saw my Butt-Symbol-Thing and was like "Nah, you can't do anything useful." So, I really don't do anything. I mean, I get paid for it, so that's nice I guess, but having completely nothing as your special talent isn't really the best, you know?"
"Oh, that's just sad… I mean, you should be able to do something."
"NO, it's like in the law. For me, action is forbidden."
"Wait, you know, actually, the law also specifies that the Royal Princesses aren't allowed to act, so… maybe that means you're like going to become a Princess or something?"
"That'd be completely stupid… Not as stupid as the Princess of Friendship though, but still quite stupid."
"Uh, I don't know, this world probably needs something like Background Pony Number 377, Prince of … of Nothing !"
"Sure, I mean, I wouldn't mind…" as the pony pronounced these words, slight sparkling light started emanating from under his fur.
"No… You can't be doing this! I tolerated a lot of shitty non-canon elements, but now this is just plainly stupid, this guy can't just become an alicorn because I said so! It'd be almost as stupid as if I became an alicorn myself!"
But in spite of John's disagreeing thoughts, it seemed like it was exactly what was about to happen.
"Mate, I think I just jinxed it." announced John.
"What?" confusedly asked the pony.
"Look at yourself." replied, John, his face a mix of boredom and exasperation.
Eyeing his once perfectly normal fur, Background Pony Number 377 noticed that it was no longer so bland. Indeed, bright light now overtook the whole of his body, slowly starting to lift him into the air "Oh… That's unexpected…"
"Yeah, so I think it's a good moment for me to go, I guess, good luck being an Alicorn."
However, not everything would go as planned.
"You mean, even less than now?"
Indeed, as the Alicorn transformation began, the Elements of Harmony did not seem to agree.
"That's right, thanks to the Elements for keeping this adventure at least mildly cannon… Poor guy though, he really didn't merit all this…"
"Oops, I think the Elements aren't liking it…" slowly said John as he saw the colored jewels ignite as they did in the Cave.
"Wait, what?" exclaimed the pony through the cocoon of blinding light that now formed around him, preparing to send him to another realm.
The Elements' light however grew stronger, overwhelming even that of the transformation, the rainbow ray now starting to form in their center.
The concentrated might of Equestria's protectors ignited the air, as their ruthless blast shot out in the pony's direction. A sad "Oh, fuck…" was the last thing John heard before the target was reached.
"…"
As the light returned to normal, John saw what he expected: a sad and suffering pony.
"Well, that's sad mate, but I guess the Elements weren't very happy with the idea of a Prince of Nothing … You're probably going to experience searing pain for about an hour now, so… Yeah, I'll just go.
"Thanks for the food I suppose and… Uhm… Bye!... Oh, and please don't tell Luna that I was here and where I'm going!" pronouncing his awkward farewell, John just walked off towards the door, leaving Background Pony Number 377 where he was.
"What? You can't judge me! You're the one who started this stupid ascension thing!
"And then, I needed to go anyway, this seems like an OK excuse!"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Humans... They're Awesome
Exiting the house, John felt slightly guilty as he left its suffering inhabitant behind.
"No, I don't... My fucks are precious and thus, they should not be given out lightly. So, no.
"And then, you are the one who should feel bad, it's not my fault you decided that ascending some random dude to Alicornhood was a good idea!
"I guess you superior fuck are too distinguished to care abut us mortals!" said the ungrateful human who had completely forgotten about all the times this godly being saved his life.
"Anyway, I've got a Lyra to find and your shitty attempts at making me feel bad won't stop me from doing what I'm here for.
"So, now just shut up and let me think in peace for a moment..."
...
"OK, so, how the fuck am I supposed to find a specific house in a town where pretty much everything looks the same... Or at least not different enough for me to differentiate it?
"I mean, I could always just look into each window and... Wait, that's extremely creepy... I don't want to do that.
"Like, if I was a sentient cartoon horse, just peacefully sleeping in my bed. And then, like, hearing weird noise outside, watching through the window and seeing an unknown bipedal creature awkwardly staring at me with glowing eyes and shit... That'd be just terrifying...
"I wonder how that last guy didn't freak out...
As he talked, John didn't really pay attention to where he was heading. Thus, as he continued his reflections, he did not remark to the window slowly approaching his face with each step.
"Wait... Wha..." he yelped as the glass finally reached him, the collision producing a lot of noise from the different jewels colliding with it.
"Oh, fuck... I better get out of here before someone wakes up..." he groaned, rubbing his nose and forehead.
However, it was a bit too late. Inside the building, rapid hoofsteps could be heard, heading towards the door. A second later, the latter opened with a slight creak, the pony coming to see what caused all this havoc.
"Jeez, how did I actually manage to bump into a wall? Like, I'm not that stupid... and blind!" exclaimed John, erroneously .
"Hey!...Uh, you know what, I don't feel insulted... I... I don't even know what this long word you used means!"
As John was deep in his thoughts once again, the one exiting the house finally reached its corner. Peaking behind it, what met their eyes was a strange bipedal creature with glowing eyes that talked and screamed some incomprehensible sentences.
It seemed "AAAAAAAAAAAH!" was the most appropriate reaction to the situation at hoof.
"Quite appropriate indeed...
"Though could you please stop using what I say as basis for further plot? I mean, I know I'm a very inspiring figure, but that's just stupid...
"... Wait, didn't that pony that just ran away screaming look like Lyra ?
"I guess I'm back to the land of plot convenience again (not that I really ever left it anyway). You were running out of shitty ways to torture me without moving that plot along I see... Not that I'm complaining though, at least now I can have some hope to actually achieve my goal at some point...
"Well, enough talking —or rather enough criticizing the narrator— it's time to actually meet Lyra this time!" resolute, John headed towards where the frightened mare ran off. Weary not to stumble on a rock or run into a wall, he carefully...
"You know I'm acting like that because of you, right? So now, don't you dare make it sound stupid!"
...but confidently approached the house's still open door.
"Ugh I don't like this... I mean, this is technically trespassing... Uh, I guess at least it's for a good cause... yeah, destroying the world. Great cause..."
Suddenly, a blinding light met the dilated pupils of John's eyes, dazzling him slightly and forcing him to wince.
"No, don't attack me with a flashlight! That ain't nice!"
"S-stand back! W-what creature are you?"
"Ugh, no, not again... Another person asking me what am I... It's just getting repetitive at this point... I mean, I guess I can't really dodge the question this time..."
"W-wait... your form seems kinda familiar... Aren't you a human?"
"Wonderful, that's one less detail to explain..."
"A real human... But, THAT'S AMAZING!" exclaimed the mare, eyeing John with extreme awe.
"Oh, fuck, that's the kind of reaction I was afraid of... I hope it doesn't last..."
"An actual human in my house! Sweat Celestia, I can't believe this!" she continued, starting to quickly pace before John.
"OK, it doesn't seem about to stop... I'm really getting worried..."
"I have so many things to experiment and measure and..."
"Shit, it's really getting out of hand..."
"What's happening here?" mumbled a tired voice from somewhere to the side.
Quickly putting off her lighting spell Lyra responded, slightly troubled "Uh... nothing Bon Bon... I'm just... uhm... No nothing... Go to sleep, I just got overexcited."
"OK, then just please be a bit quieter... See you later." too tired to think properly, Bon Bon exited the room by the same door she just entered, leaving John alone with Lyra once more.
"OK, that's my chance to speak!"
"Uhm, before you restart your overexcited rambling again, I must tell you that I'm here because I need you for something."
"So, a human needs my help? That's just the best day of my life!"
"Fuck I may have caused something even worse..."
"Oh, I shouldn't scream though."
"That's already better."
"So, what would bring a human into my home?... And... Wait, aren't these the Elements of Harmony you're wearing? Are you an envoy of the gods, perhaps of the royal sisters, or something even higher?"
"Well, not exactly... Or perhaps, this is my chance to come up with a somewhat coherent lie... It's worth a shot."
"Indeed!... And I am very pleased to meet the citizens of this lovely village! In fact, I was about to ask your assistance in traveling towards Canterlot." announced, John taking his most convincing tone, but sounding fake nonetheless.
"Amazing, but why would such a high honor fall to me, isn't somepony like... the mayor more qualified?... And why in the middle of the night?"
"Fuck, she's almost as good as me at finding shitty incoherence... I need to invent something new now..."
"Uhm... Well... I have heard many tales about your expertise in matters concerning the human kind. So, it is only natural that I seek your help before any other. And as for the late time of my visit... uhm... I'm a close associate of the Princess of the Night and thus, our working hours often coincide..."
"What did I think when starting to talk with this shitty complex vocabulary, I can't stand doing it for much longer... Uhm... Maybe, you could help me with that, could you, narrator?" wondered John, his reflection acutely discombobulated by the altitudinous multiplicity of the prevailing circumstances.
"Thanks... Now I'd only like to know what the fuck any of this meant..." wished John, his thoughts highly troubled by the grand complexity of the current events.
"Oh... I get it..."
In the meantime, Lyra still didn't seem completely satisfied by John's explanations. "But, why wouldn't you simply take the train or call a royal escort since you seem to be of such a high status?"
"Stop! It's my job to point out plot convenience! And why do you need to do it in my story... Isn't this world magical enough?"
But despite his annoyance, John still needed to answer. "Well... uhm... it is a little known fact, but it turns out human organisms are... acutely discombobulated... by the..." he declared, searching for words. The avail of this convoluted vocabulary disheartening him to the highest point. "... the avail of wheeled vehicles. This is, the reason I am currently obligated to travel by foot. Also, in the current times, it turns out the Royal Guard is extremely occupied, so competent escorts are hard to find."
"Phew... I think I'm starting to spiral down the path of completely incomprehensibility... Thanks mate, I wouldn't have been able to do it without you. Oh, fuck, it's not the end yet..."
"Uhm... interesting... my research tended to point towards the complete opposite... I guess I just made a mistake, I mean, why would you lie to me?
"And... ah... no... it's not important... I won't bother you with any more questions. I mean, seeing a human was my greatest dream ever! And now, I have the chance to help one! I don't even know why am I so picky..."
"Yes, why are you?!"
"So, perhaps we should... Erm..." John hesitated, trying to constitute the fancy sentence in his mind "... constitute a plan of actions for the travel, don't you think?"
"Well, of course."
"I think It's time to demonstrate my sketching skills. thought John taking the crumbled piece of paper and pencil of his pocket.
"Uhm... don't mind the inscriptions on the other side of it. They are nothing but worthless scribbles." he quickly added remembering the things already written here, and flipping it upside down.
"So, I was thinking of something like this: after exiting Ponyville it is only logical that we head… South...?" he guessed, incorrectly. Picking the opposite direction from the one he wanted.
"I guess we'll need to work with going South then..."
"Wow, you humans are truly amazing at drawing! Never have I seen something so great done in such little time!"
"Well, I know that I'm awesome, but do you perhaps have another route in mind? Oh, and it would be preferable that... we don't encounter any other... ponies. My mission is quite secret and I wouldn't want to be disturbed."
"Well, far from me the idea to question any of your skills, but perhaps going through the Whitetail Woods, over here, would be wiser. Indeed, there, in addition to the lack of ponies, the path seems… slightly shorter…"
"Uhm… Maybe you're right, we'll go through the woods then… See, I wasn't mistaken to take you as a guide! "
"Oh, thank you, good sir…" she replied, slightly blushing.
"NO, narrator, you will not ship me with anypony! I am a free individual and have better matters to attend than fucking horses! And this was badly written and a complete overreaction! So, stop right there or I'll just flee into the forest again and get attacked by some trees! At least you can't ship me with them!... Or can you?"
"So, I think that's it for the moment… I guess, I won't rob you of any more of your sleep."
"Oh… OK… So, do you plan on staying here for the night?" she asked, hopeful.
"Stop it with the shipping, I said!"
"Uhm… I doubt there really is any other choice, but perhaps I could sleep outside if it's too much trouble…"
"I mean, that's what I did for the last few days so… it doesn't really bother me at this point. I won't probably need to do it this time, though."
"Oh, but we aren't this cruel! I think we still have a cold and wet cellar with some weird mushrooms in it that you might use as a bedroom."
"Well, this was unexpected… At least it's not outside. Is it really better though?"
"Oh, I get it, you stopped the shipping… Thanks you very much, narrator…"
"That's the best I could hope for! It is truly nice of you to let me stay for the night. So, we can depart tomorrow, right?"
Thoughtful, Lyra wasn't as sure of that "Uhm, I was rather thinking of something like, in three weeks, I have…"
"OK, I take my words back, it was better with the shipping. Do whatever you want just please don't let me stay, waiting in a wet cellar, for three weeks!"
Suddenly, Lyra's attitude seemed to change "… Or perhaps…" she whispered, slowly approaching John "we could do it right now…" rubbing herself against his legs she added "I'd be delighted to spend some time with you… alone…"
"Oh, shit, why did I say that… I just literally told the narrator to do whatever he wants…
"Couldn't you at least make it a bit less intense?" John implored in his thoughts. However, the only response that came was the memory of a certain, weirdly meaningful, cloud formation he had seen earlier on his journey…
"Fuck, what have I gotten myself into…"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
As Lyra continued to wrap around John legs, he desperately tried to free himself.
"Oh my god, I need to reach the safety of that cold cellar as soon as possible!"
"Uhm... Excuse me, but it turns out that at this late hour, I feel quite... tired. So, perhaps, it would be wise for us to rest..." proposed John, uneasy.
"But of course my dear", she softly murmured "I would be extremely pleased by such a thing...".
"Oh fuck, why did I say us...
"In fact, I do feel so extenuated that I must head for the lovely cellar that you kindly provided me with as soon as possible... alone ."
At the hearing of this last word, Lyra's expression turned to disappointment. Se did however not abandon. "Oh, that's a bummer..." she said, sad "Perhaps I could follow you down there."
"Nope, you can't make me feel bad for her now. I know you won't stop there..."
"No ."
"Oh, but you don't even know where it is..."
"... Good point..."
"I'm sure I'd be able to find it quite easily..."
"Yeah, because I've been extremely good at that since the beginning of this journey..."
"...if you... tell me... where it is. I really wouldn't want to bother you any further..."
"But it'd be a pleasure to go there with you."
"GOSH, I CAN'T STAND THIS ANYMORE! JUST TELL ME WHERE IT FUCKING IS BEFORE I AWKWARDLY FLEE INTO THE FOREST AND AVOID ANY CONTACT WITH LIVING BEINGS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"
Noticing John's discomfort, Lyra decided that perhaps letting him go for the moment was a better idea. "It's over there, behind that door..." she indicated sourly "I hope you enjoy the night..."
"YES, finally!... Wait, does this mean you decided to stop sexually harassing me? That'd be great."
After indicating the door however, Lyra decided to continue rubbing against him with increased intensity, thus preventing him from leaving the room.
John however, wasted no time. Now able to flee, he concentrated all his strength and resolve to free himself from her embrace, rushing towards the door that would lead him to the safety of the cellar.
Opening it to see countless series of steep and dark steps only brought joy to his soul. Entering, he quickly locked the door behind him and headed down.
"Finally! I'm finally free from your weird fantasies! I didn't come here to get sexually assaulted by a pony! Why are you even doing this?
"And then, you aren't even good at it! Just stop!
"I guess I'm still somewhat forced to at least travel to Canterlot with Lyra... I mean, now that she's aware I'm here, I can't just flee...
"Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't let me go..." lost in his thoughts, John arrived to the cellars actual interior. Here, behind another door, he discovered what would, tonight, serve as his bed.
"Ah, never have I been so happy to see a cold cellar...
"I'm still not extremely happy about it though... Ugh... At least here, I'm in safety.
"I mean, there are two doors between me and Lyra. I think it should be enough to stop her... I hope...
"Yuck! The smell here though... It really is horrible. Oh... and I see what mushrooms she was talking about... I wouldn't trust them...
"I can't believe I actually won't faint for once! It's like, literally the first time I'm willingly going to sleep since arriving to Equestria.
"Oh, when you think about it... I do start to feel strangely dizzy... Ugh and this horrible smell...
"No, I don't want to trip on some weird magical mushrooms! Still prefer that over getting fucked by a horse though...
"Oh my god... my head hurts so much... I think I'm going to faint... again...
"That's just stu..." muttered John, unable to finish his sentence as a mixture of narcoleptic mushrooms and extreme fatigue forced his tired brain to lose consciousness once more... Falling to the cold and wet ground, his skull harshly landed on the rock floor...
pid...
I should really stop falling asleep mid-sentence...
So, what do I have here today?
No tops. That's pretty good already... Ugh, my skull hurts though... That's not as good...
At least there isn't any narrator in my dreams... He can't torture me down here...
Wait, but if there's no narrator... Maybe I'm the narrator!
Let me try: And so John saw an... amazing ... coffee table...
Well... that worked... Now I've got... a table... Cool.
...
Why is this dream so boring?
I mean, literally nothing's happening! I guess I could just narrate some random shit, but... I doubt I'm good at that...
Hmm... Maybe, I could think about my plan for tomorrow... That sounds like a good idea...
Ugh... I can't stand this Lyra anymore...
I guess I don't really have any other choice than just cope with it though... just need to hope I'll be able to...
...
Ugh... can't something happen? This is a fucking dream! Why is this place so empty? Even Luna isn't here...
Wait, did Luna just boycott my dreams? Like, did she prevent me from randomly dreaming of something?
And where is she? I mean, last time she seemed quite determined to get me... And now, she isn't even here!
...
Ugh... My head's starting to hurt really badly again... What, am I gonna faint in my dream?
Is this like in that Inception thing or something?
I mean, if there's anything more interesting there, I'd rather faint...
What?...
Oh, fuck, this dream sure does seem more interesting...
Why is Abraham Lincoln playing the Russian National Anthem on a Ukulele? And most importantly, how is he doing that?!
Why did that cat just turn into a can of beans?... that got eaten by Thanos... who immediately followed it with a dab... then snapped himself out of existence...
Is this 2019 Internet?
Has my brain been completely corrupted by modern pop culture?
And why the fuck did I just ask myself all these questions in this extremely unnatural way?
Oh... I think I'm falling asleep again... I hope the next dream's going to be a bit less... yeah...
Oh, that's not child-friendly!
I've already got enough of this in the waking world!
There's starting to be too many layers...
I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a dream!
Please, let me go!
Ugh... this place even seems quite gloomy... It's like this pitch-black void...
No sound... nothing...
"H̶̵͓̫̲͍̱̻͖͎͈͛̍͗ͨ͊̉ͦ͑e̥̻ͭ̀̿̈́͊̈́͗̏́̕l̫̺̬̹̺͓ͪ̏͛̊̾p̿ͩ҉̡̻̺̪ ̫͔̱̓̈̊̈ͩ͗͜m̺̠ͨ͗̋̕ẻ̹͕̦̱̻̺̺̀͂̅̍̉̀͜.̷̱͉̪͎̤̲̿ͣ̈͒̀̚.͎̠̳̤̲̻̅̀̔̈͋̓̅ͭ.̷̹̱̗̼̲̼͉̯̦̄ͯ"
God, what was that?!
"H̢̨͍̼̦̩̆̐̈̄̀̿ͧ̋̎e̱̥̤̝̗̩͔̻̺ͧ͋͛͗̎ͧ͆̂l̶̗̣͉̩ͤ̆ͦ̓̌͆̾͐̚p̨̠̘͈̰͌ͮ͑̃ͤ̈́̌̏͢"
No... I'm not ready for this!
No, not again... I can't fall asleep now...
Ugh... I wonder what this thing in the shadows was...
Probably don't really want to know it though...
Can I wake up now! Can this thing cease! I think five layers of dreams is enough...
And what even is this place?...
... My house... Reality?...
Fuck, even the Ketchup's still here...
Wait, that's getting extremely over-dramatic! Bring back the memes or something!
I guess waking up's really going to be hard...
Wait, that's it, I woke up once!
Oh, that thing's here again...
"A̵̧̩̩̬͕͎͎̮͔̹͓̬͓͇͖̗̒ͦ̔̾ͮ͋̑a̡̨̲͉̮̝̹̻̋̿̇̇ͮ́͑͂̇̉̍̉̽ͣ̿̋̌̕͟ȁ̸̴̭̮̘̬̱͙̱̠͍͍̜̘̿͌ͪͤ̓̓͊̽̈̔̎ͧ̆̃̀̚a̧ͫ̿ͨ͗ͨͤ̄̏̓ͮ͗̚͏̩̫͓̟̖͔̩̤̝̼́͞a̵̛̫̗͔̻̱̘̖̻̳̤͎̤̭̯̝̩̲ͥ̾̒̒ͫ̽̆͒̉̚͡ͅą̫̘̤̞̼̝̩̼̘̍̉̄͒́̑͂ͪͥ̅̏ͯ̑͐́́́ͅͅa̷͖̹̮̫̣̗͎͎̼͕̟̯̹̥̗̺̩͚͐̈ͣͩ̎̏̊͗ͣͦ̀̒̓ͨͭ̏͟͟͡ā̵̴͕͍̲͓̲̖̬͎͖͒̌̌̈̿̔̇ͬͥ͋̓͗ͧ͋̂ͨͣ́̚ảͭ̽ͨ͆ͩ̃̋̄ͣ҉͜͡͏͏̗̱͕̤̫͍̝̤͙̠͍̩̥̣h̷͍̦̯̣͍̬̠͕͂͛̐̂ͮ̓͘!̃͛ͦͬ̽̄͑͆́̄ͫͧ҉̶̨̜̺̜̬̠̖"
Jesus Christ! If this doesn't make me wake up, I don't know what will!
AAAAAAAAAAAH!
Phew... I survived it ...
...
Oh no, not this again!
Fuck, it's like getting up in the morning several times in a row... The added up dizziness is terrible!
Oh, and the shitty memes are back...
Can't wait to be woken up by some base-boosted bullshit...
Oh, god... This is loud!
Ah, here we are again...
I mean, here I go again, since this place is completely empty...
I guess since it's the last layer, I'll resort to the usual way and wake up in the middle of a wo...
"...rd" mumbled John as his dizzy thoughts slowly emerged from the deep slumber...
"God, this was an extremely strange dream... or dreams..."
"Wait... why do I feel something on my legs... Something furry..."
Snapping his eyes open, John quickly jerked his head to look what resided upon his feet. It was to his extreme shock that he discovered it was Lyra.
"Oh fuck, what are you doing here?!" he exclaimed, trying to free himself from under her body.
"Well, waiting for you to wake, of course." replied Lyra, starting to roll a bit closer to John himself.
"What did you do when I was sleeping?"
"Nothing, my dear..." she replied, her suggestive tone and gaze clearly indicating the contrary.
"OK, I would rather not think about that... For the moment..."
"So now, how do I not get fucked?...
"... Weird, usually I'm rather asking myself the opposite question..."
In the meantime, Lyra had crawled higher on John's legs and sat upon his lap, stirring slightly.
"So, how do I get rid of that?"
"Uhm... could you please move? And let me stand up?"
"Why would I? It's so good here..." she responded softly.
"Guess that didn't work."
"But I am so hungry!"
"I could help you with that..."
"..."
"This is getting gross... Could you stop?
...
"I guess not..."
Suddenly, a voice called out from upstairs "Hey Lyra, has our guest woken up yet?"
"Thank god!... or... I mean, thank narrator!"
Startled by this calling, Lyra got up, leaving John an opportunity to do the same.
"Finally, I'm free!"
"Uhm... Yes, we're coming!" replied Lyra, slightly embarrassed. Then, turning to John, she added "Don't worry, we'll get to that later..."
"And this is what makes me worried..."
Settling on that...
"Hey, fuck off! I didn't approve anything!
...but not completely, John followed Lyra up the dark staircase that had saved him last night.
"Did it really save me though?... I won't think about that..."
Arriving upstairs, he was met by a happy, but careful Bon Bon.
Inspecting him with her sight, she exclaimed "Ah, hello sir! I am delighted to hear that such a high guest has come to our humble home!" her voice cheerful and proud.
"Oh, fuck, I've completely forgotten I'm supposed to be this refined gentleman, or some other shitty lie I've made up yesterday... And now, I must talk with this horribly incomprehensible vocabulary..."
As John thought, Bon Bon seemed quite interested in his appearance "So that's what humans truly look like... very... unusual..." she stated.
Then, as she inspected him slightly more carefully, a particular detail caught her eye "Uhm... It's an... interesting choice to have sprinkled your clothes with mint fur..." she remarked eyeing Lyra somewhat quizzically.
"Wait, what?... Fuck, that's true...
"Still won't think about it though..."
The mint mare, troubled, decided to change the topic. "What if we... eat?" she proposed "Our guest must be very hungry and, we do have a long road afterward..."
"I guess it won't hurt..." agreed Bon Bon, though still looking at Lyra and John somewhat suspiciously.
Regardless, the three of them headed towards a small wooden table. As they sat down, John noticed the content of their current meal.
"Oh, right... They're horses... They eat grass...
"Fuck, I think even these weird things from the Rainbow Factory, that were probably made from ponies' blood and some gore shit, were better.
"I mean, at least it wasn't grass..."
Perceiving John's distress, Bon Bon immediately decided to investigate the subject "Is there something bothering you about your meal?"
"Well... in fact, us humans usually do not eat grass..."
"Unless it's without the first two letters...
"... Oh, fuck, why do I always come up with these terrible jokes..."
...
"See! That's what I've been telling you! Humans can't eat the same things as us..." exclaimed Lyra, following it discreet with a wink in John's direction.
"I don't want to know what this last gesture... was supposed to mean..."
She then added "I think I have something just for you..."
"Thanks narrator, now I don't trust her... And I'll stay hungry..."
"In actuality, I'd rather abstain from eating right now... I believe it would be better to stay light before the journey..."
"I don't know what you were going for, but don't... just don't..."
Once the meal was finished...
"Wait, what are you doing with your sneaky time skip here? I never told you to do that!
"Are you bad at writing dialogue with more than one person in it or something?
"Well, that wouldn't be a problem. I mean, don't you want to enjoy the awkward lack of conversations due to my complete absence of social skills with me?
"OK then... do your time skip if you want... just know that... I ain't happy about it!"
...the awkward silence was at last broken by the sound of sliding chairs. As the few things necessary to the trip were either already packed or nonexistent, the last preparations didn't take too long. It was time for departure.
"Great! Because, you know, sitting at a table with two ponies, unable to hide your social awkwardness by eating or using a Smartphone and constantly fearing to be sexually assaulted wasn't the best experience...
"Now that you think about it, that last part isn't over yet... shit..."
As the two of them stood before the entrance door, John eyed Lyra with worry.
"Of course I'm worried, you sick fuck, and it's thanks to you!"
Returning John's intense look but with a rather different meaning, Lyra said "Well, since yesterday, you told me that you don't want to be seen, I've spent all night working on an invisibility spell."
"That's good... Although, there probably are some other uses to it I'm not thinking about..."
"However, the range of it is still quite small, so... I guess there is no other choice than staying tight."
"Well, that's definitely one of them..."
Giving Bon Bon a quick glimpse, John watched Lyra's horn sparkle to light. Strange ethereal tendrils emanated from it, widening and offering a distorted view of reality to whoever watched their unnatural surface. In a second, they formed a dome around the mare. Their transcendent texture shifted slightly, then came to a stop, completely concealing what stood behind.
"Wow! That looks pretty cool!... Where's Lyra though?...
All of a sudden, a mint hoof popped into reality just before his eyes, grabbing him by the torso and pulling into the invisibility field.
"Ugh, that's weird, I can't even see myself..."
Suddenly, the grip upon his body became stronger. He felt Lyra pull again, as she brought his cheek in contact with hers. "This should be enough..." she whispered sweetly.
"... I'm fucked... literally... Well, not yet, but ugh...
"Let's just hope Ponyville isn't too big of a town and I won't need to stand this for too long then...
"So, could we... start walking? Please..." implored John, his face still squeezed and in contact with Lyra's.
"Of course..." she whispered, then, addressing Bon Bon, added "Bye! See you soon!" in a completely different tone.
The latter, unable to see through the spell, could only respond with a rather similar "Goodbye!"
Telepathically grabbing the handle, Lyra opened the entrance door and started slowly walking towards one of Ponyville's ends, the human tightly stuck in her embrace.
"Fuck, being unable to see her is even worse! And, this position's extremely uncomfortable..."
Noticing John's attempts to free himself, Lyra's hold became firmer. "Don't shuffle... You wouldn't want somepony to hear us, would you?" she murmured, her lips almost touching his ear.
"Or would I?
"Oh my god... I'm starting to fear that I won't even be able to escape at this point..."
"Ugh... This is just terrifying... I mean, have you ever tried reading something at least mildly romantic before?
"Hmm... I guess not actually, since you're a narrator... Well, this is not how to do it!
"Ugh, and seeing all these ponies walking freely... Living normal lives when I'm stuck with that...
"At least I can't say it isn't interesting... I guess that's thanks to you, narrator..."
As John uselessly complained about his life, they had slowly but steadily arrived next to the town's end.
"Finally, I'll be able to at least walk normally again!... I hope..."
This is when he suddenly felt warm breath upon his neck. In an instant, soft lips touched his skin as Lyra planted a romantic kiss upon his shoulder.
"You fucking idiot, that's not fucking romantic! I'm literally held captive right now, you can't say it's romantic! And then it's still overwhelmingly unnatural!
"I mean, for the moment, you've only been doing a good job at making me feel extremely uncomfortable and scared. I must say you're pretty good at that, but ugh... these aren't the best sensations!"
The last of Ponyville's houses were now behind them, the cover could almost be broken.
"Stop teasing me! It's almost like you're doing... a buildup... And a long one... Fuck, this won't finish well..."
It wasn't long before John finally felt the grip around his face weaken, leaving him the possibility to move. Almost immediately, he jumped to the side, exiting the invisibility field.
"Wait, where is she? I can't see her! She's still invisible!... That's not good..."
As John looked around, scanning the nearby floor in search of Lyra, something violently bumped into him, making him fall straight to the ground.
"Fuck!" he exclaimed of surprise.
Lying upon the grass, John felt an invisible mass resting upon him. As soft fur touched his skin, Lyra's voice whispered "As you command, master..."
"...
"NARRATOR! YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO SAVE ME! HIT ME WITH THIS DEUS EX MACHINA! PLEASE, I DON'T WANT... IT TO HAPPEN!..."
...
"Please!..."
All of a sudden,...
"Oh, thanks man, you're my savior!... And tormentor..."
...John heard a familiar shout.
"STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM! NOBODY BREAKS THE LAW ON MY WATCH!"
"Oh..."
"I CAN SEE YOU RIGHT THERE, USING THE INVISIBILITY SPELL... Or I mean I can't, but... THAT'S ILLEGAL!"
In the blink of an eye two pegasi guards flew towards them and lifted the —still invisible— Lyra off a terrified John.
Noticing the latter, the guard captain's expression changed. "Well, hello again good sir!" he exclaimed "How is your tourism doing? Enjoying the country, I see."
Confused, John couldn't really argue against "Yes... absolutely! What a lovely town this is!"
"Well, won't bother you any further" continued the guard "I still need to take care of that CRIMINAL SCUM! Uh, sorry... Bye, have a good day, sir!"
Too perplexed by this whole situation, a simple "Goodbye..." was really the only response John could master at the moment...
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Walking... It's Pretty Boring, Usually
As he saw the armed guards go away, taking a protesting Lyra with them, a single thought came to John's mind:
"Did I just got fucking saved by the most incompetent organization in the entirety of the universe?!
"How?!
"I mean, I did ask for a Deus Ex Machina, but isn't this, like, a bit too ridiculous?
"I can accept giant creatures randomly popping out of nowhere, characters acting in a way they have no reason to... heck, even if Cthulhu ripped a hole in reality just before my eyes, snatching Lyra and leaving my psyche permanently scarred by his eldritch appearance, I wouldn't be as shocked as here...
"Like, the Royal Guard actually did something! And it was pretty useful even! I mean, they were probably supposed to be capturing me at the moment, but their actions still had an impact on something that exists!
"I think this should become a national holiday... No, an interdimensional holiday! Like, It should be celebrated in all the alternative universes, because this is just completely amazing!
"OK, so... was this enough of an overreaction? Huh, I guess I could have done better... but we'll settle on this...
"Then, now that Lyra's no longer here and that I spent way too much time talking about something extremely insignificant, what's the plan?" wondered John, quizzically frowning at the ambient air.
"Really though... I wasn't looking for Lyra for nothing...
"I mean, the plan was to get some help from her in getting to Canterlot, but... that doesn't seem to be a possibility right now...
"I guess I'll just need to walk..." accepting his cruel destiny, John turned towards what vaguely looked like a forest in the distance and headed towards it, a determined look upon his face.
"What? Wasn't I supposed to be going into some kind of forest in order to get to Canterlot? I mean, that's pretty much the only indication I have right now!
"Anyway, I better start walking before somepony notices me. And I'll just go there... Unless you clearly state it isn't a good idea of course...
"So, could you confirm my choice of direction please?" asked John, dubiously eyeing the air again. The latter seemed to agree.
"Well, thanks the air then, I guess! You know, he's really a nice... mixture of gases?... Unlike you, narrator !
"So... Its time for the long and boring walk again I suppose..." sighed John, slowly dragging his foot onward in the direction of the small group of trees he had identified earlier.
"Ugh... and this time, it won't be a short one...
"Fuck, how far Canterlot even is? Like, don't they need several days of train in order to get there, in the show?
"It's going to take me months by foot! Unless some plot magic makes spacetime shorter and lets me get there in less than a day or something...
"Wouldn't that be lovely?"
...
"Two days, maybe?"
...
"Three? I don't know, it's hard to haggle when the one you're dealing with is an almighty godlike being that can only communicate through third person description..."
...
"I'm really starting to feel like I'm talking to myself right now... Well, I guess, the best way to know how long it will take is to keep walking..." he grumbled, seeing the trees approach ever so slowly. The mighty Sun shining bright, high in the sky, the slight chill of their refreshing shadows seemed quite inviting.
"Are you trying to lure me into these trees or something? Well... it works since it's really starting to get hot...
"I'm not very confident in this though...
"Well... I guess the worst is already behind me... I mean, the Elements don't seem interested in shooting me for the moment and Lyra probably won't be near me anytime soon... I hope at least...
"Like, whatever you put in this small forest can't be too bad!" nearing the first trees, John carefully inspected their bark and branches, in search of any monstrous features.
"Anyway, I wouldn't want another philosophy lecture, better stay alert..." advancing through this woodland, John noticed the significant difference between the local vegetation and that of the Everfree Forest.
"Yeah, like, there isn't even any spike and poisonous vines! That's really... good... Getting constantly stabbed in the legs wasn't the best experience..."
Looking around and pondering on the place's relative hospitality, John slowly arrived at what looked like a small clearing. Here, the grass was even greener and lots of tiny flowers scattered the ground.
"Well, that's pretty cool, but I don't really give a fuck about your flowers. Just get on with your epic monster encounter or something, already!" he exclaimed, scanning the open area in search of any possible threat. And indeed, there it was.
In the corner of this lovely clearing sat a lone and mysterious figure.
"Wowee, what a suspenseful and cool encounter! I really wonder what random character it will be this time!"
"At last, I meet you in person, vile creature!" uttered Luna as she jumped in the middle of the clearing, spreading her wings and revealing a full set of Royal Armor.
"Well... that's unexpected... and not good..." mumbled John, distraught and surprised.
As he slowly backed away, the Lunar Princess charged up a spell and cast it right at him in mere seconds. Almost failing to Dodge it, John jumped to the side, seeing the blast burn a hole in an adjacent tree.
"OK, this looks like it's going to be a real fight... The only problem here, is that I can't really fight back... And I don't wanna die..."
Noticing Luna charge another blast, he braced himself, for a lunge. Which he successfully executed, avoiding the magical beam somewhat aptly.
"I can't keep dodging like this forever... I need to come up with some actual way to attack..." he grumbled, scratching the back of his head, then triumphantly exclaimed "Oh, I think I might have an idea!"
"Your defeat is near, thief! Prepare to face the true wrath of a Royal Princess!"
"I guess I need to bring my plan into action real fast then..."
As Luna's face contorted into a furious frown, she enveloped herself into a bright thaumatic aura, sparks of purple and blue lightning striking the nearing ground. Meanwhile, John just summoned up his all of his courage and rushed right towards her. Trying to interrupt the Princess before she unleashed her attack, he ran as fast as he could master. At last, as the ground started to melt under Luna's hooves, John reached his goal. Approaching her at peak velocity, he held out his arm, poking her nose.
"Boop!"
Extremely confused, Luna interrupted the spell she was casting. The glow ceased, the lightnings disappeared, even her face changed to an expression of utter disorientation.
In the meanwhile, John, glad that his plan worked and overall happy to still be alive, bolted off into the forest as fast as he could, leaving the stunned mare to her confusion.
"This is definitely going into my Top Ten Anime Fights list. I mean, just look at how epic it was!
"Thanks man! For once, I'm happy you narrated this sequence!
"Now, I just need to hope the Boop leaves me enough time to escape...
"Phew... I knew it would have worked, but still... this spell was looking pretty scary..."
As he continued sprinting, a roar of despair and disappointment resounded far behind him, encouraging him to run faster.
"All I know is that I ain't sleeping anytime soon... Wouldn't want to get caught by her now...
"Huh, at least this is going to give me a boost in progression towards Canterlot... Never thought I could run this fast!
"Can't say it's a boring walk anymore..."
All of a sudden, he noticed a looming shadow on the ground just next to him. It was approaching.
"Fuck, didn't run fast enough..." taking a sharp turn, he continued scuttling with the last of his strength.
"HOW DURST THOU BOOP A ROYAL PRINCESS?! THY PUNISHMENT SHALT LARGELY SURPASS EVEN THE SUFFERING BROUGHT UPON TIREK BY THE FLAMES OF TARTARUS!"
"So that's how I die...
"Wait, In the show, the flames of Tartarus Tirek's facing don't really seem that bad though... But then, she seems quite determined in making me suffer something way worse...
"... Fuck, I almost forgot. I'm the main character, I can't die!" he exclaimed, fear turning to determination. Suddenly, an explosion of blue light and melting dirt only centimeters away made him reconsider this statement.
"Or maybe I can... Won't be testing it right now though!" mumbled John, forcefully stopping and rushing into the opposite direction.
"I don't think I'll be able to go on much longer if I continue like this. Maybe I should stop and duck under a tree or something?
"I don't know, maybe her vision is based on movement. Anyway, hiding takes less effort than running!" taking this decision, he looked around in search of a shelter.
Failing to find one however, it was the forest itself that forced him to stop. Stumbling on a large fallen branch, he fell to the ground face first.
"Fuck, not gain..." he grumbled, rolling to the side as fast as he could to avoid any potential attacks.
However, instead of a fiery blast of arcanic flames or a strike of obliterating lightening, what he heard was another annoyed yell.
"Sneaky vermin! It seems your agility matches your Booping skills! But do not take this victory as granted! It is nothing but a mere setback! You might have escaped my Royal rage today, but know that thy defeat is only a matter of time!"
Looking up, he saw Luna's menacing figure fiercely fly away, her Royal Armor shining brightly in the diurnal light.
"Well... fuck, this was a close one... But again, you didn't want me to die, did you?
"I mean, why else would you have let me flee so easily...
"Fucking asshole! You just wanted to scare me, didn't you? Yeah, right... Well, you could have done it without bringing me so close to a cardiac arrest!
"This was so stupid... Go eat a pineapple with hot sauce, you prick!... I can't believe you tried murdering me again...
"Actually, this isn't anything out of the ordinary... I really wish it was though..."
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Forests... You Never Know What's in Them
As John observed Luna slowly fly off into the distance, his thoughts came back to their normal state of unceasing complaining.
"Hey, shut up! I don't complain that much! And... even when I do, it's always completely justified!" he lied.
"Don't you dare saying that! Or else, I'm gonna... I'm gonna do... nothing at all... because you're an almighty being I can't even see..." he grumbled, defeated.
"Stop it! Like, mate, you can't just complain about the fact I'm complaining too much, that's hypocritical!
"Anyway, I better start walking again, because complaining might be an extremely important thing to do, but getting to Canterlot is even more so." accepting his defeat in the nonexistent debate, John got up from the forest floor and slowly started waddling in a random direction.
"Ah, whatever, I don't give a fuck about your debates! My discussions with myself are much more interesting!
"For instance, where am I again? Oh, right, It's that other Equestrian forest that isn't the Everfree... One of these extremely useless places...
"Like, in the series there are about three places where things happen and this isn't one of them...
"I guess creating a fantasy world is hard... who would have thought that...
"But then, since there's nothing here I'm guessing you won't let the chance slip... I mean, you're obviously going to put some of your non-cannon bullshit in here!
"Let me guess... some other talking trees? Timberwolves? A Manticore? A self-service Mc Donald's with a drive-in?
"Won't mind the last one though..." muttered John, scanning the surrounding forest in search of a fast-food restaurant but finding nothing but more trees.
"Well... that's lame... where am I gonna eat then? Like, that grass wasn't enough... and I didn't even eat it in the first place so... I'm kinda starving..."
As he continued to walk though, it seemed there was indeed something other than trees in this forest...
"Let's hope it ain't something able to kill me...
"I mean, Mc Donald's is something able to kill me... but... I won't mind it that much right now...
...
"Yes narrator, I'll continue insisting on my shitty idea! You can't stop me from it!
"Wait, I think I can see the thing you were talking about and...
"Oh...
"Excuse me, what the fuck ?!
"Like, really? It's even more stupid than a Mc Donald's at this point... A Starbucks, here ? Or rather a Star Bucks ... Wow, magnificent pun...
"Do you realize I was joking when talking about the Mc Donald's?" exclaimed the ungrateful human.
"Ugh... I guess it isn't something I won't mind though... Yeah... You win." he conceded, heading towards the building's door.
"Wait... This does kinda look like a trap though... but at the same time, it's just a Starbucks, what's the worst that could happen?"
After this quick instant of hesitation, John opened the door and discovered the ziggurat's interior.
"Wait, what the fuck is a ziggurat ? What is this place?"
...the building's interior.
"Oh... Right... It's just one of your fancy-ass synonyms... Maybe the fanciness was a bit excessive this time..." sighed John, proceeding to walk inside with relief.
Here he saw exactly what he expected —except for the fact he didn't expect to see such an area here in the first place of course...
"Yeah, I was rather hoping for a Mc Donald's..."
...In a small room, almost perfectly reminiscent of the coffeehouses he remembered, was completely normal furniture. Some chairs, some tables...
"Yeah, I get it... Shut up with your boring description!
"Hmm... the place seems quite empty though..." though John, as he scanned the desert restaurant "I guess it makes sense since I'm in the middle of the forest though..."
The only living being he could see in this strangely normal place was the barista.
"Great! At least I'll be able to eat in peace!"
"H-Hello?" he called out, approaching the counter.
Almost instantly, the blandest and most monotone, almost lifeless, response returned to John's ears "Hello sir, what can I get you?"
Jerking his head, he noticed the pony behind the counter. There, sat a motionless unicorn stallion. His attention was completely absorbed by, what could only be identified as a smartphone. Indeed, holding the latter in his magic, he seemed to sometimes be tapping the screen with one of his hooves.
"Wait, a fucking smartphone? What?
"WE'RE IN THE WORLD OF PONIES YOU, IDIOT! IT'S A FANTASY WORLD, WHY THE FUCK WOULD SMARTPHONES EXIST?!" he uttered, internally.
"Oh... wait... Actually, they do have headphones and some other pretty technically advanced shit so...
"Hmm... OK, I might accept the fact there are smartphones in Equestria, however, there is no way you can convince me there can be the slightest hint of Internet connection in the middle of this random-ass forest!"
Interrupting John's internal argument, the pony at the counter spoke again "Sir? Could you choose quicker please, you're making the other customers wait."
Turning his head, John inspected his surroundings in search of the latter, but didn't see anything more than before. Though confused, he decided that ignoring this fact was the best thing to do right now.
"Can I have something to eat?" he asked, too baffled to come up with anything preciser.
The response came with the same reactivity and monotony as before "Of course sir. What do you have in mind sir?"
"Ugh, I don't give a fuck.
"Food " he responded automatically.
Tapping something on his phone's screen the pony spoke once more "Well, actually sir, I fear we do not have what you are asking for. Indeed sir, I think all of our food has sadly sold out."
"What?"
Even more confused than before, John now needed to know what was happening here "To whom? We're in the middle of the fucking forest! There is no way someone ever comes to this place!"
"Of course I'm trying to understand, you idiot! And then, you're the narrator, you should tell me what's the deal instead of teasing me like this!"
Never taking his attention away from his phone, the pony responded, the slightest hint of disagreement now finding its way in his monotonous voice "Well sir, I might argue that your presence here invalidates your point sir, but if this whole situation is really bothering you sir, I may ask you whether you would like to see our manager."
"Are you really trying to starve me in a Starbucks? Like, that's just stupid and... stupid. Too hungry to come up with a better adjective to describe the situation..."
Slightly desperate, John agreed "Please do call him. There must be something I'm not getting about this place."
"Of course sir, I'm calling him immediately." retorted to pony. Slightly turning around and never leaving his phone's screen out of his sight, he stood up and went through a door with the sign employees only upon it. Seconds later, the same exact pony came back from it.
"Hello sir, I'm the manager, how can I help you?" he quizzed with the same exact tone, his phone still held in his magic.
Meanwhile, John's confusion only grew.
"Fucking asshole! I know you're just making fun of me!"
"I'm not that stupid" he exclaimed in annoyance "I know you're the same exact guy as before!"
"Excuse me for my partner's extreme incompetence." apologized the manager, not baffled in the slightest "So, what was bothering you?"
"Ugh, I'll stop trying to understand this place..."
"Can I have anything to eat?" pleaded John, completely desperate at this point.
The response he got was however not what he was hoping for "Well sir, we do serve coffee."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"To eat ." he grumbled.
The barista, who had now come back to his place and sat in the same position as before, responded without hesitation and emotion "Sir, far from me the idea to question your tastes. If you, sir, appreciate eating coffee, I am in no way about to judge your actions."
"OK then, give me some coffee..." conceded a tired and hungry John, giving in to his destiny.
"For fuck’s sake, why can't I just eat some actual food here?! It's almost like finding food in the middle of the Everfree Forest was easier than finding something here."
Suddenly, the pony's emotionless voice interrupted John's thoughts once more "Uhm... excuse me sir, but it just occurred to me that we do not have any coffee left. Indeed sir, it happens that all of our stock sold out."
"Then, what do you have ?"
"Uhm, I fear sir, that we have ran into extreme supply issues due to the very impressive amount of customers that visited us today. Thus sir, I must inform you that this establishment is, in fact, closing immediately. So sir, I must invite you to leave as soon as you have finished your meal. Thank you for your understanding sir."
"What meal? I didn't get anything!"
"Christ, this was the stupidest and most annoying thing that ever happened to me!"
Overwhelmingly upset, John headed towards the door and left the Star Bucks behind. Then, sinking into the forest once more, he started scanning the area for anything edible.
"Oh, god, why is everything you come up with either deadly or annoying? Can't you just create something pleasing for me to enjoy?...
"And don't you even think about what you did to Lyra!" John yelled, angrily stomping the ground on each step.
"Ugh... I hope there are some berries in this forest...
"At least, if there are, they shouldn't be poisonous... I hope...
"Oh here they are!" he exclaimed, rushing towards what resembled a blueberry bush.
"Wait, the fact you make them pop into existence right after I say that is quite suspicious... Probably shouldn't eat these...
"But I will anyway!
"Fuck it! My stomach won't survive anymore emptiness. To survive, I need to eat.
"No one will get this reference... No one, because I'm alone in the forest."
Ceasing his self dialogue, John lunged towards the berries and started consuming them at a peak velocity.
"Nom... That's a... Nom... fancy-ass way of... Nom... saying... Nom... I'm eating... Nom... fast..."
Once the eating was finished, John felt much better.
"Of course I do! Oh, fuck, I might want to go back to this Star Bucks for a coffee now... if only they still had some..."
Sitting in the grass, he looked at the neighboring trees with a quizzical frown "Where should I go no?" he wondered.
"I mean, to Canterlot, obviously. But in which direction?
"Wait, no fuck it, I'm not starting this whole where should I go thing again. It's getting boring as fuck at this point."
All of a sudden, as he continued to scan the peaceful trees, a splash of unnatural color caught his eye. Behind one of the trees, somewhere in the distance, a tuft of mint fur came to his sight. Then, it disappeared.
"Oh my god, not this again. I better run." mumbled John, jumping to his feet.
And run he did. Never, not even when escaping Luna's Royal wrath, did John reach such speed. Jumping over roots and ravines, ducking under low-hanging branches, slaloming between trees... There was nothing stopping him. It was only once exhaustion reached his brain through the thick barrier of adrenaline that John dropped, satisfied with the distance he had put between himself and the mint mare.
"No... You aren't getting me this time..." he muttered catching his breath.
"OK, so, this whole running was fun and all, but did it actually help me progress?" he wondered, looking around.
"Oh... well, it seems it did..."
Indeed, in front of John, behind the branches of the forest's trees the magnificent Mount Canterhorn stood in all its beauty. Upon its cliffs, high up in the air...
"Yeah, we get it, it's fucking Canterlot!"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
"So… Thanks to you, Plot-boy, I'm already here…
"Like, I get than I ran quite a lot, but even then, you can't convince me that it justifies managing to go all the way to here faster than by train!
"I'm not faster than a fucking train! That doesn't make any gotdamn sense!
"Anyway, complaining any further would make me a hypocrite because illogical as it is, this shortcut still saves me quite a lot of time and effort.
"And then, I even asked for it so… Thanks, I guess…"
Ceasing his pointless complaints, John turned his gaze towards the newly-spotted Mount Canterhorn.
"Well, I guess I still need to somehow get up there. And furtively, if possible.
"Huh, according to what I managed to do at Zecora's hut, discretion probably isn't my greatest skill.
"I guess I'll just need to rely on my luck… and the narrator.
"Let's find a road then I guess." exclaimed John, starting to waddle in the city's direction while carefully examining the surroundings in search of a road.
When the latter was found, he wasted no time, heading towards it.
"Yeah, can't bother trying to avoid social contact that much anymore. I mean, in addition to it not working it seems the things I encounter while trying to do so are somehow even worse than people .
"Huh, didn't think that was possible…" he mused engaging on the clean path towards the capital of Equinity.
However, as he was no longer avoiding social contact, the latter wasn't incline to avoiding him either.
"Wait, what?
"Again, that's a fancy-ass way of saying that there is someone else on this road…
"Oh, and I never said I'll stop avoiding social contact, I just said I'd put slightly less effort into it!" he exclaimed, turning around and noticing a small platoon of Royal Guards walking slowly in his direction.
"Oh, that ain't good… If these guards are just slightly less stupid then the last ones, the encounter might not be so peaceful…" muttered John, worried. He looked around once more, this time in search of cover. As he found none however, he noticed two of the pegasy guards taking off and starting to fly in his direction.
"Fuck. Well, I'll just stay here and see how it goes…"
Surrendering to his faith, John saw the two guards quickly catch up until as one of them suddenly exclaimed "Oh, hello Mr Tourist! It seems you decided to visit the glorious Capital of Ponykind! Wise choice!"
"Oh, it's these guys… Is it really better though?"
"Oh yes!" responded John, fake enthusiasm filling his voice nonetheless "I've heard wonders about this city! It was only my duty to visit it on my trip!"
This news seemed to rejoice the captain to the highest point "Since we were also heading there, perhaps we could give you a tour." he proposed.
"Or maybe not?"
"Wait, now that I think about it, this may not be so bad…"
"But I would be delighted!" responded John, the enthusiasm in his voice slightly less fake this time.
"Great! I'll alert the whole squad. I'm sure they will be as excited as I am to present you our glorious capital!" exclaimed the captain, returning to the other Guards who had nearly caught up.
"Sure…"
"Well, at least with these guys I won't be arrested or something. I might even look less suspicious."
Now surrounded by the guards, John continued his walk towards Canterlot.
"I'm sure you'll love the city!" spoke up the captain "You might even be able to see the Princesses if you're lucky enough!"
"I'm not so sure I want to do that…"
"And we'll be delighted to show you the castle" added another "and the barracks" said another voice "and the bar!" concluded a different voice.
"Oh yes, the bar." the sound of general agreement spread through the squad.
"Alcohol. A scourge even in the world of ponies. Don't do drugs kids! Except no kids are listening to me…"
Seeing John's unease, the captain decided to change the topic "So, what did you visit so far? I remember seeing you in the Everfree Forest, but there's quite a long way from there to here so…? " he asked.
"Fuck, I need to talk now…"
"Well, firstly… I…" he hesitated fidgeting slightly amidst the Guards, just realizing how numerous they actually were.
"Totally didn't steal the Elements… nope, why would I do that?"
"Came to the Cave of Harmony… It was kinda my primary goal."
"That's technically not a complete lie…"
"But you already knew that so…"
"What did I do after that?"
"Yeah… Uhm… Then, I decided to visit Ponyville because… I've heard that behind it’s apparent normality the town concealed numerous wonders."
At that last sentence some Guards looked confused. One asked "Does it really though?"
"What?! It's like the place where the whole show takes place, how can you doubt that it's interesting?"
"I think we saw you enjoying one of these…" commented another Guard a stupidly wide grin on his face. Some of the others laughed.
"Oh, that happed… Was trying to forget it but guess they won't let me…"
"I wasn't talking about that." replied John, annoyance in his voice.
"Go on then, we'll talk about it later." cut the captain.
"And what if I don't want to talk about it at all?"
"Well, not much really. My next goal was Canterlot so… except passing through some weird forest and visiting a local establishment I really didn't do much…"
"Oh, yes, the well-known local Starbucks of the forest, swarming with customers as usual…
"Well, now that this completely useless dialogue's out of the way, are we there yet? Like, I get the idea of describing uninteresting events as a way to mark the passage of time, but eh…
"I mean, it at least had the merit of summing my journey up in an almost organic manner. Still not too great though…"
And indeed, John's hopes were fulfilled, as the great Canterlot gate now stood before his eyes.
Signaling to one of the Guards before it, the captain looked quite proud. "Isn't this thing amazing?" he asked, not really waiting for an answer "Solid oak and steel, you see? I'm sure even King Sombra wouldn't be able to get past these gates!"
John wasn't as convinced "Sure…" he replied, smirking.
They were at last on the city's streets. As the squad was now officially out of service, several Guards went off right away, saluting the captain and wishing John good luck on the visit. Some others however, decided to stay, eager to show their city to an outlander. John didn't mind that.
"Yeah, I don't mind that."
"And this is the main street." explained the captain, moving his hoof through the air in a panoramic motion "Thriving with life and happy faces. Isn't that lovely?"
They started walking again. And as they did, numerous ponies turned their heads to see the unusual creature walking their city accompanied by a group of guards. Curious or concerned whispers started sparking in the party's wake. Others even remarked the presence of the Elements of Harmony on this strange bipedal figure.
"And that's the kind of reaction I was trying to avoid…"
At last, a lone pony came up to the captain and quietly asked "Wha-what is this thing?" he then quickly turned down his gaze, trying to avoid eye contact with the alien.
At first, the captain laughed. His laugh was caught by other guards, filling the almost silent air.
"It's just a tourist, my dear friend!" he responded at last "Nothing to be scared of!"
This answer sufficed to some, but most still didn't seem as convinced, only eyeing John with even greater bewilderment.
"Yeah, that doesn't really explain a lot…"
Noticing the general reaction, John decided to talk by himself.
"You know, I'm not some kind of monster! I have feelings and I can talk! When I came here for a visit, this wasn't the reaction I was hoping for! Can't creatures of other races enjoy your beautiful land?"
"I'd say this was convicting enough."
And indeed, it was. The ponies being quite a kind and accepting race by nature, the message was one they could mostly agree on. In addition, the knowledge of John's sapience was one that reassured many, showing that despite the numerous disparities, there were still similarities between them and this strange foreigner.
"Wall that's all cool and sweet, but can we stop with the long-ass paragraphs of description and come back to some cringy dialogue?
"I still need to get that tour of the city… Or rather to somehow get into the castle."
Rapidly, the word of the otherworldly tourist spread through the streets, alerting…
"Stop, I said! That's quite nice to know though…"
"And here we are!" exclaimed the captain, waking John from his internal argument. Turning a corner he stopped besides a large wooden building. Its door was swung open above it could be seen a sign, the words The Prancing Ponywritten upon its wooden surface.
"Oh, I get it."
Inside, could be seen a small inn, its cozy interior swarming with somewhat orderly furniture and joyful patrons.
"And here's John, the bartender." Announced the captain pointing his hoof towards a cheerful pony behind the counter, waving in their direction.
"Hmm… John… What a weird name…" thought John .
"For a pony, I mean, you idiot!"
As if reading the human John's mind, the captain added "Yeah, I know, it's quite an unusual name. Well, it's rather how we call him. His full name would be… Joyless Necrosis…" after a small pause and a quick glance in the bartender's direction, he concluded "Yeah… that's why we just call him John…"
As the rest of the soldiers were already starting to waddle happily into the bar, one of them stopped for a second, turning around "Fancy a drink?" he asked amiably.
"Yes! Except no… Drinks are cool and all, but now I would gladly trade them for a quicker arrival to the castle and, most importantly, less paraphrasing of my name."
"Thanks, but I would rather see some more of this city's amazing architecture! I think I'd like to at least visit the castle before dusk." responded John, then seeing the captain's unhappy face he added "If the captain doesn't mind of course."
Perceiving his subordinate's apologetic smile, the captain steadied himself "I offered to be your guide so now I'll do it." he said determined, then even more determined added "I'll join you guys later though!"
"And thus, I will deliver this land of the bane that is alcoholism, by giving people shittier things to do!... Or not…"
Leaving the joyful establishment behind, they set their eyes on the imposing figure of the high castle in the distance.
"Well, we can say you saw the castle, can't we?" attempted the captain, turning his head towards the tavern once more.
"Good try, but nope!"
"I would rather see it in closer detail… maybe, visit the interior…" replied John, pensive.
As they walked, the ponies no longer eyed John with fear, some even came to them, asking about how the visit is going, offering their services, just curious…
Suddenly, the captain stopped before a square "And this is something else I wanted to show you." He announced.
Coming closer John could see what he was talking about.
"Oh… We're back to that shit again…"
On a high stone pedestal of fine marble stood the proud statue of a guard pony. Though covered by an integral helmet, his determined gaze was turned to the horizon as if looking for invaders in an eternal watch.
"Yeah, but that’s not what's bothering me."
Finally, his solid legs, covered in plated armor, were all standing sturdily upon the ground, safe for the one with an arrow stuck in his knee…
"You know, there are countless tales about this pony." started the captain "They say he used to be an adventurer like you, but then took an arrow in the knee. Well, it didn't stop him from being useful though." he paused, thinking "He did join the guard and…" he paused again, scratching the back of his head "Well, there was something about dragons, but I don't quite remember. History lessons were never my best at the academy."
"Oh, that's sad, always wanted to hear the tale of the sweet roll investigation…"
"Anyway, let's move on, shall we?" and move on they did.
"Uhm, I was wondering" started John to break the silence "What is exactly your role as a guard?"
"Erm… well… I don't quite know… It's complicated…" mumbled the captain, unsure.
"Should have been expecting this answer… It's the Royal Guard after all…"
"There haven't been any wars in ages, the crime rates are quite low too, so…" he stared thoughtfully into the distance "There isn't that much to do for a trained military in such times of peace…"
"Well, that's a thing he isn't wrong about. They might not even be that trained at this point."
"You know, when we found you, it was our first real mission in weeks… if not months. It's quite boring being a guard nowadays, you know?"
"If I manage to pull something off, they might have a threat to deal with. See, my shitty evil plan was for the common good all along!"
As they talked, the edge of the royal garden appeared not too far in the distance. As they moved closer to the neatly cut bushes and fruit-bearing trees, its golden gate became visible. Before it stood a pair of guards, stoically bathing in the rays of the setting Sun.
"Wait, the setting Sun… That ain't good. I really need to get in there before Luna wakes up…"
Noticing the approaching pair, they quickly saluted the captain and greeted John.
"What brings our tourist here?" asked one, smirking.
"Well, I was kinda hoping to visit the castle…" responded the tourist.
The guard seemed somewhat unexpecting of this answer "Oh… Can we do that?" he quizzed his companion.
"Why not?" responded the other "Not like we're hiding anything in there."
"Well, guess you're right…" conceded the first guard, scratching the back of his head "Captain, what do you think?"
"Uhm, we don't usually do that but… I think the Princess would enjoy meeting a new species."
"Yes! That's one step closer to my goal! Just need to… unsuspiciously walk away now… Won't be easy…"
As the guards opened the gate, John turned his gaze back towards the garden's interior. Inside, flocks of exotic birds rivaled the beauty of colorful plants arranged by masterful botanists.
"Isn't this place nice?" asked the captain, contemplative "Always enjoyed just walking through these gardens… Don't get to do that so often though…"
"Yes, let's discover more about this random-ass captain of the guard before I awkwardly run away! Great idea!
"You know you just can't do this kind of shit with me, right?"
And In the middle of all this tamed nature, on the edge of one of the picturesque alleys stood a structure that caught John's eyes.
"Ah, Discord. Still in stone I see. When am I then, I wonder?"
Noticing his companion's interest, the captain too, looked at the edifice.
"Oh, yes that thing." he mumbled, struggling to remember the statue's origin "Erm… I think it used to be some spirit of chaos, a trickster god of some sort… Yet again, don't remember the history that well." giving up, on the details he added "Anyway, now it's quite a nice decoration… Wouldn't touch it though."
"The fact I know more about this thing that this guy, despite not actually living in this universe is quite sad. Don't know for whom it's sadder though."
Leaving this perplexing statue behind, the pair continued their way through the garden.
"You don't talk too often, do you?" suddenly asked the captain.
"Fuck, that's right, I don't. I mean, I usually do, but not now."
"Oh, I'm just busy contemplating the place. It really is amazing." lied John, quickly transforming his bank stare into an interested look.
"That's something I can hardly disagree with."
The castle's great entrance was already nearing and its high ornate surface loomed over them in all its beauty. However, it was rather something to the side that seemed to catch the captain's attention "It looks like we've come at the right time…"
"Yeah, the right time… Hmm… this place doesn't seem overly protected, I might be able to slip to the side and… Wait, what?"
Phasing out of his flawed evil schemes, John discovered Princess Celestia herself, taking her evening cake in the rays of the slowly setting Sun.
"Oh… Well, that's convenient… Not that convenience is that unusual here though…"
Noticing her unplanned guests, the Solar Princess turned to face them "Hello captain Glittering Helm and hello to you too, stranger. What brings the both of you here by this lovely evening?" she asked with a radiant smile.
"Well, now I know this dude's name. Yet another detail that would have been useful if I wasn't planning to flee at the first occasion."
Bowing and inviting John to imitate him, captain Glittering Helm responded "Greetings your highness, I am here to bring you this tourist. He came from a faraway place to visit our land and pleaded to see the royal castle in greater detail. Would his wish be granted?"
The inquiry didn't seem to bother Celestia in the slightest "But of course!" she answered "We at the castle love visitors." then, turning to her cake added "Perhaps you wouldn't mind taking a sit?"
John didn't hesitate "Yeah, why would I?", the captain however, wasn't as sure.
"It's too much of an honor your highness" he mumbled, shifting in place "And… Uhm, I was somewhat planning on doing something else." he added, turning his gaze in the bar's general direction.
"Then you may go. It was already nice of you to have helped this visitor out." approved the Princess, seeing the captain quickly bow once more and trot out of the garden, a content and eager smile upon his face.
"Oh… Is this good? It does leave me one less person to escape from, but even then, I highly doubt so."
Turning towards John and snatching him out of his thoughts, Celestia asked "So, who do I have the pleasure of having here?"
"Me."
Startled, Celestia tilted her head in confusion and opened her mouth as if to respond, and yet, no words came from it.
"And that's how you talk to royalty."
Steadying himself John didn't waste time before a follow-up "Sorry for the confusion, but Me is in fact… my name." he apologized hesitantly.
"And this was the riskiest joke I've ever done, followed by the stupidest save. I think that's quite the achievement."
"Oh, that's… unusual." replied Celestia after taking in the information "But then, you are in fact from a different culture, so it does make sense."
Coming to this conclusion, she decided to take a bite of the richly decorated chocolate cake she was holding in her magic. John observed this action with jealous interest.
"Fuck, eating berries in the middle of the forest isn’t the most sating of activities."
"May I have some?" he asked politely after a short time.
Celestia seemed hesitant, but not for long "But of course." she kindly agreed. Then taking the knife in her magic, she cut a generous piece of the cake behind her… and put it on her own plate. After which she did the same for John except his part was sensibly smaller.
"Right, no one robs Sunbutt of her cake, I forgot. Well, it's better than nothing I suppose."
During the process she asked "So, where exactly do you… or rather Me come here from?"
Already devouring his cake with his eyes, it took Me several seconds to return to reality. "Uhm… It's complicated" he rapidly replied before lunging onto his meager meal.
"And I already regret this joke..."
This answer didn't suffice to the Sun Princess "Then perhaps you could explain." she insisted.
"Explaining. Not my best. Especially when it comes to making shit up."
Taking a small pause in his almost finished meal, John turned his cake covered face towards the Princess… Then, realizing his state quickly found the nearest towel and cleaned it up.
"Well, it's a place far away, behind the sea… Quite beautiful, but nothing compared to here." he explained before pausing, his gaze reflectively set on the lowering Sun "I arrived by boat, so I couldn't really remember the route. And then, orientation really isn't my best so… I don't really know where it is now…" he finally admitted.
"Let's say this lye was convincing enough. At least I really hope it is."
"But don't you have maps?" the sudden question snapped John out of his lye-induced contemplation.
"Fuck that's a thing I forgot to think about… Maybe because someone never gave me one, huh?"
"Maps… Well, maps… are complicated…" he stuttered, struggling to come up with a logical reason "I don't know… I was kinda venturing into unmapped territory… So…"
As John dove into his thoughts once again, an awkward silence settled upon the garden. Only birds and the sound of moving leaves breaking it from time to time. And as Celestia prepared to take yet another bite of her cake to pass the time, it was John who suddenly spoke.
"Uhm… It's starting to get late…" he slowly said, eyes firmly set on the setting Sun "And I was going to need some rest after my travels. So… I think I better go and find something in town now because I fear it may take some time."
"Fuck, the Sun is so close to the horizon. Luna's going to wake up. And when she does… Ugh… I better not stay here."
Noticing John's dismay, but unbeknownst its cause, Celestia decided to help him out "Perhaps you could stay in the castle." she proposed after a short reflection "I believe we still have empty rooms."
"That's just convenience at its height at this point, I don't even know."
Despite some apprehension, John didn't waste a second before responding "Oh, that'd be amazing. I'd be extremely honored and pleased."
Happy to satisfy her guest, Celestia's smile stretched even wider, almost starting to radiate the likeness of the Sun's mighty rays.
Suddenly remembering the time, John quickly asked "So… may someone show me my room?"
"Oh, of course! Follow Golden Daffodil over there." she said, pointing her hoof towards a yellow-coated mare who just seemed to be waiting for this exact moment next to the door "She'll lead you there."
"That's quite the immediate service I must say. Not even all hotels have this kind of reactivity. Well, it ain't a hotel…"
Getting up from his chair and quickly curtsying John obeyed without a second thought.
"You know, it's while eating cake with cartoon horse royalty that you realize, that if life ever had a deeper meaning perhaps it never was this deep…"
Philosophy in his mind, John saw the giant castle door swing open under the seemingly delicate pull of a unicorn's magic. Behind, he discovered a large and astonishingly beautiful hall, worthy of a thousand kings.
"I might be lying when I say I'm here for the castle, but I can't say it's not beautiful. If my plan fails, at least this was worth the visit. But I hope it won't fail."
Following the mare and contemplating the decoration, John didn't pay any attention to the numerous guards, patrolling the area. They all seemed to follow him with their sight, some even left they duty for a moment to exchange a word or two about him with their colleagues.
"Guards. That’s a problem. Sneaking out won't be that easy."
"Well, It’s the Royal Guard so… Maybe not."
It was in the end of a small, unremarkable hallway that they finally stopped. Here, a slightly less ornate door neighbored a tiny balcony that still offered a breathtaking view of the city.
"Here's your room." announced the pony accompanying John. She opened the door, stepping to the side.
"Thank you." he quickly replied. Then, as quickly entered the room and swung the door shut once more.
Waiting a second, he heard the clatter of busy hooves moving away.
"Phew… Now I can think out loud in peace." he exclaimed, dropping upon the slightly too small bed with relief.
"And you , can shut up!"
…
"Perfect. Now, how do I do this? I do need some kind of shitty ritual in order to summon this nightmare thing.
"Wait. Did I just make an enormous mistake?
"Yep. Nightmare Moon was defeated in the other castle. The one I was at several days ago. That's quite stupid.
"Well, who cares at this point? I might as well make it here. This whole plan never really made sense anyway."
Heavily sighing, John took off the Elements and put them on his new bed.
"What should I do with this?
"A pentagram.
"How, I don't know, but I'll make some random-ass pentagram and hope it will work."
And so he did. Putting five Elements in the vague shape of a star and the crown in the middle, he eyed the shape in thought.
"It doesn't seem to work. This doesn't actually look like a pentagram even."
And at this very moment, the rapid clatter of wrathful hooves resounded somewhere in the hallway behind him.
"Shit, this ain't good."
And yet, this agitation seemed to influence the Elements. They slowly started to glow.
"Oh…"
But the light wasn't the one John saw in the Cave of Harmony. It was something completely of another kind. It was darker. Obscure even. Black tendrils of lightless light slowly crept from one Element to another, forming a unique black star.
"That's more like it! More like a pentagram, even!"
And it was at this very moment that the door violently swung open.
"I'VE GOTTEN YOU TRAPPED, THIEF!" uttered Luna through the door "PREPARE TO DIE!"
"Shit."
And as her wrath-filled shout reached John's ears, the blackened Star reacted even more. Giving it a quick glance, he saw ink-like tendrils reached to his arm, grabbing him and starting to pull. First, struggling, he couldn't resist much longer. Falling upon the star, he felt a black mist envelop his body and mind.
"Wait, no! I don’t like where this is going! Don't…"
And then, there was darkness…
Author's Note
Sorry for the lack of chapters lately, but sadly, it isn't about to change. The reasons of it range from pure and simple laziness to travel-induced absence of Internet connection, all the while passing by different illnesses and severe back-pain.
I usually don't like to use this section, but it probably was necessary to assure you that I am, in fact, not completely dead and plan on posting (although with similar irregularity).
So, while you're waiting, here's a long-ass chapter and a picture of cat (because I do have one at my disposition right now).
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Time... It Rhymes With Prime, and Crime, and Slime too, Also Pantomime
Giving a last glance back, it was with horror that John discovered that the mint-colored figure had, in fact, moved once more. Deciding that there was no time left to waste, he bolted towards the two mares he had witnessed appear earlier.
"Fuck, you talked way too much during that dialogue! Like, were you forced to stay silent during those two thousand years or something?
"Anyway, now that I have the, completely useless, backstory of this world's destruction, it's time to leave it behind and try my luck somewhere else.
"That if I manage to flee from Lyra of course…
"By the way, ARE YOU FUCKING TELLING ME THAT SHE SURVIVED THIS WORLD-DESTROYING CATACLYSM?
"Like, even that other guy, who was an alicorn , an immortal being seemed quite in bad shape!
"I'm starting to think that you have some rather illegal urges…" he finally proclaimed, finishing his rant while wildly panting during this rather intense run.
"And how the fuck am I even talking while running, that just doesn't make any sense?!"
As he approached the mares, their voices started to become understandable.
"Where are we?" uttered one, a pink unicorn with a purple mane.
"The future… or rather present" sadly responded the other, a lavender alicorn with…
"Hey, you don't need to paraphrase their names like that! Like, I get you're trying to keep some mystery around the whole encounter, but I already know who they are!
"Just call them by name, it'll be easier for the both of us!" John cried out, catching the attention of one of the mares. To him, this didn't seem like a problem, to the mare however…
Twilight never thought this fight would have gone that far.
As she desperately tried to convince Starlight Glimmer to stop all this madness, the other mare's temper seemed to only be making things worse…
Travel through time to change the past. She would never have thought it could even be possible… And now, all these alternate presents seemed to only be getting worse. A desolate wasteland… What could have possible happened to this world?
All of a sudden, she saw something living in the midst of this seemingly barren wasteland. And it was running towards them.
"Hey, watch out, behind you!" she cried out to Starlight who couldn't have seen the approaching creature.
The other didn't listen, too absorbed in her rage "I'm no foal, Twilight Sparkle" she uttered back "Your stupid attempts to distract me won't save you from having to answer!"
And yet, the creature was still approaching.
It was weird. Slender and bipedal as an Abyssinian and yet completely devoid of their characteristic fur and ears. In addition, the whole front of its body was covered in jewels that clanged and wildly moved as it ran. It seemed to be saying something on its course.
Once free of the initial shock, Twilight rapidly generated a purple magical shield around them.
"Hey, where the fuck are you?" uttered John before violently colliding with the magical barrier and falling onto the dusty floor.
"Could have told me about that instead of disappearing! You, asshole!"
"AAAAAAAAAH!" a painfully loud feminine cry suddenly reached his ears, the headache forcing him to clench his eyes shut.
Trying to suppress the ringing in his head he slowly got up "Please, don't yell. Like, I'm no monster…" he pleaded rubbing the sides of his skull.
The much more pleasant sound of the barrier's disappearance was however followed by another cry "No, why are you doing this?! It might be dangerous!"
"He doesn't seem to be." responded another voice, the one belonging to…
"Twilight. To Twilight. Don't try to keep this mysterious. It's not."
Groaning, John opened his eyes, seeing the worried face of a baby dragon standing right in front of him.
"Oh, right… Spike exists too…"
"Uh… What are you?" asked the latter with a confused frown, alike to that of a young child.
John heavily sighed "Fucking hell! Why do I always need to explain this!" he exclaimed, slightly stunning the others by his rudeness. The dragon even jumped back, hiding behind one of the mares' legs.
Slowly stretching and rubbing his hurt forehead, John took a second to look behind him and saw exactly what he didn't want to see.
"Yep. It's definitely Lyra…"
As he turned back however, it was three alarmed pairs of eyes that met his gaze.
"Uhm, perhaps we could talk about that later…" started the purple alicorn, still slightly shocked by John's outburst.
"Call her Twilight, for the love of god!"
John couldn't bother to answer. Instead, he turned around once more, discovering Lyra's figure hiding behind some rubble just a dozen of feet away.
This sight brought panic to his mind "Uhm… I'll tell you anything you want, just please, let's get the fuck out of this universe!" he cried out, fear in his eyes and plea in his voice.
"How do you even know we can do that?" asked Starlight Glimmer, in her aloof yet slightly worried tone. Her gaze was constantly shifting from John to Twilight and Spike as if she was judging her opponents.
"Thank you for calling her by name! That's at least something to comfort me in this whole disaster…"
John started to seriously freak out now "I'll tell you that too! Just please cast your fucking spell and get me out of here or I will regret it!" he pleaded, violently waving his arms in disarray.
This sight seemed to strike pity into Twilight's heart "I think we should help him." she declared with a resolute frown "There's no point in staying in this empty world anyway…"
"Well, help him if you want Twilight Sparkle!" retorted Starlight "Because I have no intention of bringing some unknown creature into my world!"
"You realize we can just jump into the portal after you cast the spell, right?" remarked John, his tone suddenly more mocking then freaked out.
"That's a valid point." she bitterly admitted before hastily adding "But don't think you can outsmart me. All of you!"
"Anyway, can we please get the fuck out of here already!" uttered John, maniacally looking at Lyra's previous location just to discover with horror that she was no longer there.
"OK…" slowly agreed Starlight, coldly eyeing the others one by one to discover they were all fixing her in return "I don't trust any of you, but I feel like there may be no other choice…"
Igniting her horn in a pink aura, she did what had to be done.
A strange, unnatural portal, bending the laws of space and time to its will, slowly formed before them with a blast-like sound.
"Fucking finally!"
However, through the noise of warping reality, a much quieter sound caught John's attention. That of a magical pop usually due to teleportation. Slowly, he turned his head around and there she was. A maniac grin on her face, Lyra stood less than a foot away, her body braced for a feline lunge…
But a split second before she could leave the ground, John felt the sudden pull of the portal behind him becoming stronger, forcing him inside. The strange sensations of the dimensionless space replaced the hot, stagnant air upon his skin. He was in…
But so was Lyra. Jumping at the last second, she just managed to catch the fleeing rift before it vanished completely. Her smiling face was now just before John's in this weird dimensional gateway.
"NO! FUCKING HELL!"
Then, the warp ended. The sensation of streaming air returned once again. But another sensation appeared: that of rapid freefall.
"Right, we're in Cloudsdale…"
"HELP ME!" John uttered at the top of his lungs while the air was violently pushed out of them by the powerful gusts of uprising wind.
Then it quickly ceased, replaced by the pleasant sensation of a magical aura encompassing him.
"Thanks." he sighed, feeling himself lifted higher into the air.
Then he saw Lyra rapidly fall down just next to him followed by a small panicked exclamation, as Twilight tried to save her too.
"No, don't save her!" he immediately cried "She survived the fucking apocalypse, I think she won't mind a small fall!"
"Wouldn't mind if she died though…" he then mumbled to himself.
Now resting upon a small cloud while still being held in Twilight's magic John sighed "Might not have been the deadliest situation I've been in yet, but still would have preferred to avoid it…"
"So" he heard Starlight's voice somewhere behind him "I think we can all agree that there are things you should tell us now."
Trying to turn, John helplessly shifted in the air for a second, but to no avail "First, can you promise not to drop me to my death?" he carefully asked, now turning his head to Twilight with a pleading smile.
"But of course!" responded the latter, returning the smile "Why would I want to do that?"
"I think you won't be so sure about it a second later…"
"Well… uhm…" he started, hesitant "I was kinda the cause of the last universe's destruction…"
A collective "Oh." followed by a "Can you actually please drop him?" from Starlight was the (appropriate) reaction that followed.
"Why am I even being honest at this point…"
"It's more complicated though!" quickly added John, noticing the general shock as well as the slight reduction of the magical field holding him in the air "The final blast rendered me completely inoffensive!"
"And how can we be sure of that?" asked Starlight, completely flabbergasted.
"That's a great question…"
"Well… firstly, the fact I didn't instantly flee after transforming you into small piles of ash should be a piece of evidence to confirm that claim." suggested John, trying to look as inoffensive as possible "I mean, why waiting to destroy the world when you can do it right away?"
Looking at his mixed-up face and gestures Twilight felt bad for this creature "Well… I guess it's a point." she slowly said with a small smile.
"Well do whatever you want, because my job here isn't yet done!" angrily proclaimed Starlight before charging up a blast she aimed at a rainbow-maned pegasus filly, swiftly accelerating several dozens of feet away.
It was however a collective "No!" followed by a semi-collective "Stop!" that startled her enough to prevent the blast. Meanwhile, the filly continued her course, causing a great explosion of prismatic light that rapidly spread far across the land.
An angry "AAAAAAH!" from Starlight followed swiftly after "My perfect plan! It's ruined!" she uttered.
"Well, actually" started John, steadying himself "I think there were a lot of far easier ways to make your communistic society work than fucking time travel ."
This remark seemed to completely overwhelm Starlight "And how do you even know about my plans?!" she cried out at the verge of tears "You can't know anything about me! You can't know… my past…"
"Wait, wait, wait! This seems like a way too convenient segway to a heartfelt backstory reveal followed by a redemption and the joining of the Mane Six to actually become a very nice and lovable character! Don't do that! Don't fall to the light side!" quickly uttered John, interrupting any following talking on Starlight's part "You'll thank me later for saving you from redemption!"
Meanwhile, the only reaction Twilight could master was opening her mouth is shocked confusion. She even nearly dropped John for a second.
"Let's not do that last thing…"
"Uhm… what?" finally asked Spike, struggling to break the thick silence.
"It's complicated…" dismissed John swiftly waving his hand "Anyway, it would be rather nice if we actually got back to your universe so that I would be able to stand on something solid again instead of floating in the air while you… well you do whatever you want."
Somewhat recovering from John's tirade, Starlight regained her composure "Well I guess you're right…" she proclaimed, her tone slightly less harsh now "My revenge might need to wait some more…"
As her horn sparked to life, its thaumatic aura pulled on the strings of reality to create the unearthly portal from thin air. It opened once more, the vortex of timeless space inside pulling all those around it…
"Yeah, yeah, I got it… Metaphysically magical bullshit and stuff. I don't care! What matters is that it works."
And so, after another timeless journey through the threads of reality's complex net, here they stood on safe ground. The ground of the Castle of Friendship.
However, at the very second of their arrival, the door swiftly swung open, all bearers of the Elements of Harmony bolting inside.
Seeing their confused and worried faces, Starlight returned them a rather wrathful frown and immediately teleported away in a blast of pink magic. John however, couldn't do that.
"And I must say that's quite a shame…"
"Uh… Hello?" he slowly said instead, waving his hand and displaying the friendliest smile possible…
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Trees Are Important... Don't Forget About Trees
And so he was. Standing alone in the middle of a room full of the friendliest ponies of Equestria. Many would have given a lot to experience such a thing, not John though. Especially because they were now all staring at him, their faces displaying different stages of confusion, ranging from curiosity to light panic.
John's reaction was rather understandable:
He freaked out "Oh, my fucking god, what can I do?! I can't escape right? No, can't escape… What to do, what to do?"
And so was their reaction.
"Uhm… Who is this?" asked one, slowly shifting her gaze from John to a rather confused Twilight.
But there was one pony whose reaction wasn't as predictable…
"Wait, this doesn't mean you're leaving me, does it? No please no, don't! You can't do this to me!..."
Having just teleported away from the Castle of Friendship, Starlight Glimmer was slowly trotting towards the Everfree Forest. And as she walked, she ruminated upon the unexpected failure of her theoretically perfect plan.
The spell, the time, the events… she had planned it all, and yet it failed. And what would she do now? Now that they had all witnessed her incapability for a second time, now that even her vengeance was somehow interrupted.
And this stupid Twilight Sparkle, she didn't understand, she couldn't understand, she didn't know how harsh life sometimes was, how nothing was ever perfect, how even her beloved friendship had its flows…
But the longer she pondered these thoughts, the longer she rethought of her plans and schemes, the longer another, lingering question kept ever returning to her tired mind. What was this otherworldly creature? And how did it know so much?
Suddenly, she stopped. A thought came to her head. A wild, unpondered idea. Perhaps she could ask it herself? Yes, just teleport it here and ask it, interrogate it, perhaps even torture it just to get those sweet answers…
Yes, this was the solution. If this being had the answers to so much, perhaps it would be willing to give them to her.
Directing the mana to her horn, she prepared the spell. Concentrating on the castle, she detected the unusual presence and, pop, it was here in a blast of pink light.
"No, these aren't the Elements, at least not your Elements!
"No, I'm not corrupted by the Alicorn Amulet! Why do you even think it's the Alicorn Amulet? Look, it's black!
"No, I'm not from that portal in the Crystal Empire, I hate this place!
"Please, leave me alone for a second, goddamnit!"
"And why is this fucking asshole of a narrator not coming back?!"
Bombarded with questions, John didn't know what he could do, despair started to mix with panic in his head when, all of a sudden, he felt his body overtaken by a pink magical aura and pop, everything was gone.
"Oh my god, thank you!" he uttered at the top of his relieved lungs.
Then, as he noticed the one who had saved him from this horrible social interaction added "Oh, it's you…"
"Wanted to save you from redemption, as you put it…" responded Starlight, her tone as harsh as it was mocking.
"Well, I thank you for that very kind action, but…" he paused, choosing his words "Could you please ignore me for a second? I have a very important argument to have with the air."
Seeing Starlight's sceptic half-frown, he added "Never mind, I'll have it anyway!"
Turning around, to fully face his nonexistent opponent he started unintelligibly shouting.
"YOU FUCKING NARRATOR! I WOUD HAVE KILLED YOU IF YOU WEREN'T AN OMNIPOTENT ETHEREAL BEING!
"NOT ONLY ARE YOU ANNOYING AS FUCK WHEN DOING YOUR JOB, BUT NOW… NOW YOU JUST FLEE AT THE MOST IMPORTANT SECOND!
"DAMN YOU NARRATOR!" he cried out at the very top of his lungs before stopping for a second to heavily breathe. All the while, the air he was shouting at seeming quite apologetic if not sad.
"Oh, you recognize your mistake at least, that's fine then. Sorry for yelling so much…
"Just, a simple question though. During those two thousand years of stasis, did you gain the ability to switch to narrating other characters or something? I honestly don't quite get it." he quizzed the air in confusion. All of a sudden, an apple as if appeared from thin air to fall on John's head, jerking it downwards.
Contemplatively rubbing his hurt skull while slowly picking the apple up John mused "Don’t know why, but I think I should take this as a yes. Well, OK then."
As he turned back, it was a rather bewildered Starlight that met his gaze.
Ignoring that, John just sighed "So, where were we?" he asked no one in particular.
After several long seconds in silence as Starlight tried to whelm the events that just occurred and several more before her brain actually could function again, she could finally respond "I don't quite know…" she admitted, now completely free of her previously condescending tone.
"Oh, I think I have an idea… Yep, there's definitely a question I need to ask her."
Steadying himself and inhaling slightly more than necessary, John asked that question "Is the Sun a potato?"
This immediately snapped Starlight out of her turmoil "Well, of course it is." she quickly answered "I mean, all the evidence seems to be pointing towards it."
"Oh, so you really bothered with integrating those tree-people into the lore… I might as well use it then."
Nonchalantly turning his gaze to the forest, John slowly started walking towards it "Shouldn't we go?" he asked, turning to Starlight "I think we better talk behind the cover of those trees."
Starlight didn't mind, also starting to walk. Suddenly, the original goal of this summoning returned to her mind.
"Oh, how did you know all that about me?" she quizzed, waiting for the precious answer.
The answer however, wasn't that precious "It's complicated…" responded John.
Then, noticing Starlight's annoyance at his first answer hurriedly clarified "Like, I actually even know what would have happened if you did become good and shit like that, but the reason for all this would actually make you freak out… Yeah, I know that too."
Finally, putting his apple in a pocket after giving it a last quick glance, he concluded "So, let's not bother with this kind of things and keep it all simple, I hate explaining anyway. What's your next plan for example?"
"Let's hope this prevents the need for all further explanations…"
Starlight wasn't expecting this last question "Well… I don't quite know…" she admitted, pensive. Then, remembering the bitterness of the failure muttered "Revenge over that Twilight Sparkle."
John didn't seem to agree "Nah, that's not the way to go!" he exclaimed, waving his hands and kicking a small rock that happed to be on his way "Like, revenge can wait. It's even better served cold as they say. Your town however, that's much more important! A communist society doesn't build itself in a few days!"
"Yeah, let's give shitty life advice to people, I'm great at that!"
Not even surprised by John's seeming all-knowingness anymore, Starlight just sighed "I already know that…" then, frowning and angrily stomping a small plant, added "It's just that, those ponies, they won't let me build it in peace…"
"Don't bother with that!" exclaimed John, almost colliding with a tree from the forest they had now entered "I'm sure they'll have plenty to do for the next…. I don't know how long."
"In the last universe everyone started wanting to murder me quite quickly and I don't think this tendency will really change here." he cheerfully explained, then abruptly asked "You don't want to kill me yet, do you?"
"I'd rather say not anymore…" responded the other.
"Let's say I'm OK with this answer."
As they now marched through the forest, the trees around them were gradually becoming more and more numerous while also starting to increasingly gnarl and twist.
"Wait, we aren't going to Ancient Gnarl Barks, are we?" suddenly asked John, worriedly looking around before coming to a stop.
"After two thousand years of endless sleep, some more hours of it aren't what I really want…"
"Oh, you know him too?" exclaimed Starlight, beaming "That's great! My urge to violently murder you is completely gone now!... Not that it ever was too present anyway…"
"I think I should feel reassured now… Not completely sure though…"
"But of course!" hurriedly responded John "However, I would rather not bother him by this late hour…"
"So… can't we just camp here instead?" he finally suggested, sitting down on a big uncomfortable root to prove his intentions.
"Oh… Perhaps you're right…" agreed Starlight, sitting down too "I guess, I could just go see him in the morning."
"Let's make camp then!" she exclaimed, lighting her horn. A second later a bright explosion of pink lit the environing trees, making them disappear completely and creating a small clearing in place of the thick forest that once stood here.
The root on which John sat disappeared too. He clumsily fell to the ground.
"There are moments like that when I'm happy I'm not a tree…"
"Wow! That's quite impressive!" he declared, getting back up and dusting his legs.
Acknowledging the compliment with a satisfied smile, Starlight continued the setting of the camp…
"But we don't care about that, do we?
"Anyway, I don't, so I'll just sit here and think about what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.
"Do I really need to do it, though? Pff…
"Eh, let's look at the plan, I guess… If it didn't transform into dust that is, of course…"
Taking out the crumbled piece of paper from his pocket, John discovered that it was in fact still functional.
"That's convenient… I'll probably need a new one though. If it even is that useful of course… Which I highly doubt."
All of a sudden, the sound of Starlight's voice tore John out of his thoughts, making him shudder "There's a typo here." she said, leaning over his shoulder and pointing a hoof towards the piece of paper.
"Wait what, really?" he exclaimed in surprise before carefully examining his terrible handwriting to discover it was true. "Then, I'll immediately correct it... Because I don't really have anything else to do…"
Once the correction was done, John eyed his work with perplexity "I guess now you know what I do with my life…" he mused with a joyless smirk.
"You know, it wasn't very hard to guess just by looking at what you wear…" responded Starlight, going to sit down on a small cushion near a cozy campfire she had set up.
"That's a point." admitted John, rejoining her near the fire though leaving a safe distance between them.
"Yeah, I don't want a second Lyra…"
Having these thoughts, he immediately looked around for any signs of the mint unicorn. To his relief, there were none.
Suddenly, a question snapped him out of his paranoia "And why aren't you using them?"
"What?" he confusedly asked, turning his gaze back to Starlight.
"The artifacts. You seem to have quite a lot of them. You should be able to do some quite powerful magic with what you got." she clarified, pointing a hoof towards the jewels on John's body.
"Oh, that…" he sighed, taking one into his hand and looking at it with disappointment "I can't… They just don't work on me."
"Huh, that's inconvenient…" Starlight exclaimed shrugging. After a second however, an idea came to her mind "You could perhaps give them to me then."
John however didn't seem to like the idea that much "What about no?"
Although letting out a disappointed "Oh…" Starlight wasn't intending to give up that fast "Why do you even keep them? Isn't this just a big bunch of junk that slows your movement?"
John seemed pensive, contemplatively eyeing the air "An aesthetic choice, I'd say." he shrugged, causing the artifacts to loudly clang.
"Interesting aesthetic, to say the least…" slowly declared Starlight, now eyeing the fire in contemplation.
John was starting to get eager for a change of topic "Besides, what if you stop trying to rob me of my hard work and… not do it… instead…" he proposed imitating Starlight in her observation of the flames.
"Alright then…" she conceded with a small smile. The smile however, quickly evolved into a yawn as she tiredly proclaimed "I was starting to get quite sleepy anyway."
Suddenly, John remembered something "Oh, before that, can you please cast some spell or something to prevent Luna from seeing my dreams?" he rapidly asked, looking for the Moon through the thick cover of entangled branches above "Last time, she was the one who got the closest to killing me… I wouldn't want to reiterate that…" he explained.
"If you want… It's actually quite easy." agreed Starlight, setting her horn alight. All of a sudden, she steadied herself and asked "Oh, and what's your name by the way?"
"Yeah, perfect timing for this question."
"John." replied John.
"Hmm… quite a weird name…" mused the other before slowly lying down on her cushion, ready to sleep "Good night."
"Same."
"Thought I said I didn't want to sleep. Guess I was wrong… Anyway, let's see how the dreamscape goes in this universe…"
Lying on the ground —because the cushion was obviously only big enough for his head— John shifted to get into a better position. Heavily yawning, it wasn't long before his tired brain returned to normal sleep for the first time in two thousand years.
"Citizens of U topia, this is an informational message to inform you that your country is lying to you. It would rather qualify as a dystopia! This completely informational message also informs you that you are warmly invited to surrender! "
What the fuck is this? What's happening?
Why is everyone running? Where am I even?
"Evacuate! Evacuate! All tops to the shelters! Evacuate! We are under attack! "
Tops… I think I've heard something about tops earlier, but where?
Oh my god, what is this thing in the sky!
And it's getting bigger, I don't want to get killed by some weird portal in the sky!
Wait, tops? Everything around is made of tops.
"This is a last warning, get into the shelters or your safety is no longer responsibility of the U topian state! "
"They're attacking! The potatoes are invading! They come from the sky! "
Potatoes… Tops… This is getting more and more nonsensical as it goes…
Wait, from the sky? Oh fuck, they're right. Potatoes are falling from those big-ass portals, what the fuck?!
And they have guns too, is this a war of some sort?
"Prepare to die pitiful tops, your time here is over! "
Yep. It's definitely a war between potatoes and tops…
I don't quite know why, but I'm slowly starting to suspect that all this might be dream…
Oh fuck, bullets. They're shooting. I probably should have gotten into those shelters when I still could. Better take cover now.
Wait, what's that in the sky again, a plane of some sort?
"For the glory of the U topian Empire! Die potatoes! All hail the Great Des top!"
Gosh, now it crashed right into the potato army in a big-ass explosion. There's potato juice and burnt plastic everywhere!
And what is this abomination?
"By the greatness of the Free Potato Republic, I declare this land here conquered! "
It's like a fucking mech but made out of potatoes. And there's some kind of general up there. A potato general that is.
"Never! You'll never win this! Filthy potatoes! "
"GRENADE! "
Fucking hell, they got it! That grenade got it! The mech is falling down!
Wait… Noooooooooo. It's falling on me…
Well then, goodbye cruel…
"…world." mumbled John slowly emerging from his agitated night of sleep.
Author's Note
Back from the internet-less wasteland, I can finally regain some semblance of regularity. In addition, there I had the time to write several chapters in advance that I will now post at a rate of one per weekend.
So... I don't know, I hope that people still read this.
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Stars... They're Better When They Stay in the Sky
Groaning and stretching John slowly opened his eyes, still slightly blinded by the morning Sun.
"Fuck… It's been ages since my dreams were as normal…
"Now that I think about it, I don't even really remember what it was about… Good."
Getting into an upright position, he looked around rubbing his sleepy eyes.
"Well, that's interesting.
"Firstly, there's no one around, which is generally a good thing.
"But then, there isn't really anything at all left in this clearing, which is… well, slightly less of a good thing.
"Like, I get and even like the idea of leaving while I'm asleep but taking everything with you…
"She even took my cushion! That explains the slight taste of grass in my mouth…" he finally grumbled spitting some vegetal bits in disgust.
All of a sudden, the sight of something pinkish caught John's attention in the middle of the, now almost empty, clearing.
"Wait, what's that over there? Some kind of magical post-it?" John wondered, slowly approaching the unidentified flying object. As he got close enough to see it in details, the theory seemed to be correct.
"Wait, it really is a magical post-it?... Ah, why am I even surprised anymore."
Catching the enchanted paper with his hand, John eyed it with perplexity.
"Well that's great. I'm alone again!" he exclaimed.
"Also, her writing really looks like someone just typed that on a PC... Well, I guess it's magic and shit." thinking that, he suddenly noticed there was something else written on the back of the paper.
After reading these lines, John immediately looked at his jewels with great worry. After a quick inspection however, it was to his relief that he discovered they were indeed all still there.
"I really wonder how she managed to fail at that…
"Anyway, I should probably stop wondering and start going somewhere." he declared, steadying himself and looking at the forest with a resolute frown.
A second later however, his resolve slightly decreased "Where though?..."
Then, it swiftly came back "Eh… I don't even care anymore! Pure luck and plot convenience seem to be working way better than my orientation.
"So… I guess, this direction seems OK!" exclaimed John, plunging right into the thick forest at one side of the clearing.
"Ah… What can I do now? Great question actually…" he mused, observing the thick underbrush of the Everfree Forest.
"Steal the artifacts a second time? Is there a point to that? I guess not more than there was in stealing them once.
"Like, they don't work anyway! Well except maybe the Amulet.
"Yeah, I can get behind stealing a second Amulet just to have two layers of smoke in my eyes. They'll even be of different colors, how cool is that!
"Yeah, great plan!" he finally concluded, before suddenly coming to a stop in the middle of another —this time natural— clearing.
"Wait, I know this place… Yeah… The trees and shit, it's all here.
"You've led me to the Fallen Star, didn't you?
"Like, if I just try digging over here…" he started, taking one of the Elements of Harmony off and using it as an improvised shovel "Yep, it's definitely here."
After only a few seconds, here it was. The Fallen Star. The purple jewel shone even brighter than the Sun, magically reflecting the latter's warm rays. And yet beneath all its otherworldly beauty, something deadly lied in wait to be freed.
"Wow. Love it when I don't even need to travel through all the country for several days to get possessed by an evil deity." John declared, with a sarcastic smirk.
After taking the accursed Star into his hand however, doubt struck him "So… Should I really put this thing on?
"Well, of course not! My experience with being possessed was, let's say, not the best… And I only arrived into this world a day ago so it would be a shame to see it obliterated. Also, this Cosmic Chaos really isn't the best in terms of character, so…"
Hesitant, he slowly spun the Star in his hand, still firmly fixing it "But then… will I put it on?
"Of course, I will! Who am I, a careful individual with complex planning and a good vision of consequences or a complete idiot? The latter obviously! So, let's get prepared to have my body controlled by a sassy cosmic goddess!"
Taking this unwise decision John just looked at the stone for a last time before lightly putting it on over the rest of his trinkets.
And then, there was…
"Nope! No fading into darkness for you this time!" he exclaimed, as if trying and failing to interrupt an inaudible voice.
"Fuck, what's happening with my eyes though?" he worriedly asked, rubbing the latter with great intensity "It's like the smoke just increased tenfold while becoming purple!"
"Ugh, my vision's so weird…"
"Finally awake! Ah, I knew those mortals wouldn't be able to resist!" said an unearthly voice from somewhere within John's mind.
"Wait, I'm still here." confusedly remarked John, still trying to understand what really went on with his sight.
The voice now came from John's mouth, moving his lips despite his will "Well that's not for long my dear. Your mind will soon be mine…"
"Ugh, that's fucking weird…"
"And what if I disagree?" he exclaimed, putting great effort into controlling his mouth "You know I already was possessed not so long ago and I ain't planning on repeating the experience!"
"Quiet now. Just give in and be mine." responded the voice, taking back control.
"No."
"Well that's weird… It doesn't work." the words resonated in John's mind.
"Hmm… That's weird, I can hear your thoughts…" he mused with confusion before sheepishly adding "Can you hear mine too?"
"Hey, Cosmic Chaos can you hear this?"
"Yes… But soon I won't need to." responded the other, her cold, domineering tone robbing John of all motivation to experiment further.
"He knows my name… Perhaps Discord's attempts to hide me weren't so thorough as they seemed…"
This whole partial possession was really starting to become annoying "Firstly, I've heard that too and secondly can you please cease controlling my lips and talk in my mind instead? It's just that it's extremely weird." John suggested forcing a pleading smile on his face, but to no avail.
"Argh… Why am I so weak?!" finally snapped Cosmic Chaos producing the feeble semblance of a draconic roar through John's unprepared vocal cords.
After heavily coughing due to the roar, John faintly declared "Well that's not my problem." then continuing with his pleas added "Couldn't you have said that in my mind? You know, it really is easier for the both of us."
Feeling a great power struggling in his mind, John soon felt another booming shout "Argh… You know how awful it feels to be trapped in these stupid Stars for millennia just to have you of all creatures finally find one of them?!" this time however, his lips remained still.
Although slightly stunned by the outburst, John still found the strength to answer "Firstly, thank you for talking in my mind! Secondly, hey I'm not that bad!"
"Also, that's weird, it's like there's a difference between when you talk in my mind and when you think… Is it the same for you?"
Completely ignoring John's internal question, Cosmic Chaos just continued her complaints "Not that bad…" she furiously repeated "You don't even have enough power to eat an apple if your stupid memories are correct! And now, I can't even fully take control of your brainless mind, what is there worse than that!"
"Oh, you can read my memories too? That's interesting. But first, let's make it clear, I could just put you back into the ground for some more millennia, you know. Could even hide you better if you want."
"Ugh… I guess there is worse."
"Anyway, what if I propose you a deal?" welcomingly suggested John with a weak smile.
"What exactly can such weakling as you offer?" retorted the voice, sending chills down his spine.
"I don't know, maybe the possibility to actually move and do things! Like, I'm even willing to find your other parts as I go! I think that's better than lying on the ground, trapped in this Star."
"You may have a point… I'm listening, mortal."
"Yeah, yeah… Well, now that you know my part of the deal, let's get to yours." John started, putting his hands together in a corporate way and staring at the air before him as if it was carefully listening to his offer "So, you do still have some power, right?" he asked swiftly after, maintaining his stance.
"Watch." the single word boomed through John's mind as an explosion. And as it did, he felt his head violently turned towards a seemingly ordinary flower.
A second later, to John's horror, the flower lost all its ordinariness. First, it started unnaturally shifting, as if coming alive. Then, with a loud hiss, its vegetal cover rapidly melted, the burned interior becoming a blackish mass. The smell of burned flesh filled the air as the mass started restlessly evolving, its goo-like structure taking unsettling forms.
Finally, it seemed to solidify becoming a miniature gaping maw alike to that of a monstrous shark or crocodile but with thousands and thousands of dagger-like teeth.
Just a second after its sudden transformation, the menacing mouth snapped closed and avidly devoured a bypassing butterfly with loud chomps.
Unnerved by this demonstration, John slowly declared "Oh. You do sill have power…"
"Well, apparently, that's not enough to possess your mortally weak psyche…" grumbled the voice, shaking his skull.
Ignoring that while still staring at the transformed flower, John slowly regained countenance "So, what if I keep you like that and you, in exchange, help me when I ask you?"
"It seems like a fair deal…" grudgingly agreed the voice.
"I never liked fair deals…"
"Well that's your problem." he nonchalantly concluded, starting to slowly walk in the direction opposite to that of the flower while wincing to adapt to his new, slightly misty, eyesight.
"Yeah, that's a weird thing too. My eyes are all covered in that purple smoke. It's not as bad as how the Amulet at first felt though… Wait…"
"…Another question. Since you're kinda part of my mind now, do you hear the narrator?" he suddenly asked, eyeing the nearest trees as if they would give him the answer.
"Well, of course I do. He is actually closely linked to the magic of a Draconequus —which I am, if you didn't know. We influence him with our will, that's all. But it's probably still too much to whelm for such a pitiful creature as you…"
"Let's just give you another example." declared Cosmic Chaos, talking through John's lips once again "When I want to transform this grass into a swarming pile of eldritch tentacles with all-devouring jaws in their middle, I just do that." she continued, ignoring John's attempts to control his body and instead forcing him to turn his head in the direction of said grass.
"Stop talking through my lips I said!"
Still struggling and failing to move freely, John looked at the grass nonetheless. Before his eyes, the latter endured a fate similar to that of the flower. First, melting, then reforming into a new, monstrous shape: that of a pile of swarming tentacles with a crown-like gaping maw hungrily open on their top.
Finally feeling Chaos' hold loosen John sighed in tainted relief "Ugh… you do like gaping maws, do you?"
The response now came from his mind again "Well, that and tentacles. I always felt like this boring world really would gain a lot if it had more of these… Mortals always seemed to disagree though. Not that I ever cared for them…"
Pensively eyeing the eldritch creation near him John mused "I wouldn't completely disagree with that. This world could probably use some more edginess."
"Oh, really? Because I'm starting to get bored of your weak, mind-numbing figure. I think you would use some more eldritch traits too…" the words were now accompanied with a strange feeling in one of John's arms.
"Wait, what? No! I'm alright like that!" he uttered before coming to a panicked stop near a particularly gnarled oak.
It was however, too late. Wildly staring at his left arm, he felt his skin crawling. Literally crawling. It moved on its own, as if countless putrid creatures swarmed underneath it. Then, in several places it burst, revealing the bloody flesh beneath in a manner as painful as it was nauseating.
"AAAAAAAAH! Fuck, it hurts! It's way worse than turning into a demon!"
Rapidly, the flesh too melted, consumed by an unknown blight. And through its morbid holes could be seen a new flesh, a new skin. A much darker and murkier one.
A second later it all ended in a last, particularly violent burst of gore that splattered on the nearing trees, giving the place an atmosphere even darker than in the very Heart of the Everfree Forest.
As he finally opened his eyes and suppressed the gruesome images from his mind, the sight that met him wasn't so much better. Instead of his arm was now giant tentacle alike to that of an octopus.
"No! Give me my arm back!" John immediately cried out, staring at his new limb while trying to move it around without much success.
"And why would I?" sardonically asked the other.
"Oh… why are mortals always so unloving of change…"
Still striving to control his arm John inadvertently touched his leg with its viscous surface before wincing in disgust "Well, there's change and there's that!" he heatedly retorted "That's not useful, how can I grab something with this thing or worse, how can I scratch myself with it!"
"Pff… And I thought you were at least somewhat on my artistic level… Ungrateful mortal…"
Finally managing to straighten the tentacle, John held it the farthest from the rest of his body as possible "Stop insulting me and give me my arm back!" he angrily commanded "I could leave you there if you don't!"
"And so? By leaving me there you'll stay like this forever. Do you accept my present after all?"
John just sighed "You know, I could live with a tentacle in place of an arm. For you however… Some more years in your prison probably won't be as pleasant."
After a weak annoyed roar Cosmic Chaos conceded "Alright… You win."
"For now…"
When he heard these last words, John immediately looked at his tentacle-turned arm in anticipation without giving them a second though.
As he did however, the latter immediately fell off, torn from its place by an unknown force. As he winced in pain, the limb still morbidly shifted of the grassy soil. After he managed to open his eyes one more, John's horrified gaze immediately fell on the place where his arm once was.
There, something new started emerging. A new, different arm. It grew, first as a bony twig, then as bloody and fleshy tree and finally as an actual limb.
Developing quickly, furlike feathers and draconian scales soon recovered its meaty surface. It was however no ordinary arm. It was the front leg of a Draconequus.
"Ugh… I guess it's an arm." sighed John at the sight of his new limb.
Just a second later however, the now enthusiastic voice of Cosmic Chaos boomed through his brain once more "Better! It's an improvement! Isn't this amazing limb better than your previous furless appendage? It even has claws, very practical for scratching your back… or lacerating your foes…"
"Yeah, yeah… I would have preferred my old arm, but I fear getting something even worse than that tentacle instead… And then, I guess having bizarre limbs is quite edgy too so… You win for now." John conceded, resuming his motion through the forest and hastily leaving the gore-covered oak behind.
"I don't have any mana left anyway… My magic is still quite weak…"
"Sadly…"
Maneuvering through the thick woods while carefully examining his left arm John exclaimed "And I hope it stays that way, because I still hold to my mundane body!"
"Well, that's your problem…"
A thick, sulking silence settled at this bitter declaration. Unsurprisingly however, it wasn't long before John carelessly broke it.
"So" he started, putting his new hand on a tree for support but accidentally plunging its claws into the thick bark "Now that you finished defacing me, let's actually do something useful." he suggested, before noticing he was stuck and trying to dislodge the claws from their prison.
"Well then… What would such powerless creature as you consider as something useful?" mockingly asked the other, seeing John's struggle.
"Steal a relic of infinite power." confidently declared the human once his stuck claws finally got loose, letting him continue his path through the Everfree.
"Ah… those feeble mortals with their quest for godhood. It's never fruitful and yet so entertaining to watch.
"But even more entertaining is to destroy them… Sadly I can't do that right now…"
"You know what, cosmic deity of, once infinite, power?" John bitterly started with a sigh "You can call me a feeble mortal as much as you want but right now, I'm really your best chance to actually come back to power.
"So, I suggest you should insult me slightly less and help me slightly more." he concluded, struggling to traverse an exceptionally thick and spiky bush "To get through this thing for example!"
"We'll see about that…"
Now starting to get stuck in the bush, John was trying to use his new hand as a tool to clean his path up a bit but without any conclusive results "Hey, you know I have more power on me than you right now?" he frustratedly exclaimed, the trinkets on him loudly clanging as if to prove his point.
"Yeah, on you, not in you. It's like using a blackhole as a lava lamp: it looks nice, but could have been more useful elsewhere!"
"Man, this isn't just a bush it's a fucking prison… Could have at least tried destroying it for me…"
"Besides, I may not know a lot about the practical usage of blackholes" John admitted, concurrently wondering about how one would help him in the current situation "But what I know is that the fact I have these artifacts on me is already more than most people do!"
"Pff, you're ludicrous…"
"Well that's my problem…" grumbled John, finally exiting the bush and annoyedly kicking a small rock that conveniently lied just next to it.
Less conveniently however, the rock happened to be part of a much larger buried whole, which caused it to stay immobile while forcing John to produce a pained yelp and vexedly rub his hurt foot.
"Fuck you, narrator!" he cried out swiftly after.
"Pff… It seems he has been doing such things to you pretty often…"
"A common faith for mortals."
"And you, stop reading my memories! I know you're doing it!" he angrily added, now jumping over a muddy puddle with the dexterity of a dead cow.
"I didn't get too far anyway. Was forced to stop due to some… rather disturbing images…"
At these words, a dumb yet content smirk appeared on John's face "Huh… Never thought I'd have a cosmic goddess reading my internet search history…" he cynically declared "Don't know whether I should feel flattered or ashamed…"
"How does your race even look at such imagery without vomiting. And then why? Can't you just f…" the voice in John's head ceased midsentence as he hastily removed the Fallen Star from his neck, putting it into a pocket.
"Phew… Can't bare her anymore…
"God, why are cosmic deities always so aloof?...
"Well maybe it's because they're cosmic deities…
"Can you imagine, I was so busy arguing with her, I didn't even have the time to fully emphasize how weird the purple smoke thing in my eyes really was.
"Anyway, now that it's gone and I'm finally alone, what if I try to… well orientate myself.
"Great. We're back to that. I hope I won't need your help again.
"But then, I think I remember this tree… or that one." he mumbled, inspecting the nearest trunks and branches with contemplation.
"Hmm… maybe I'm not too far from my starting point right now." he finally concluded, noticing a footprint that could have only been created by a human's shoe.
Then, other footprints caught his attention "Wait, this means I'm not too far from Timberwolves and a Manticore. Better stay quiet…"
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
History Repeats Itself, And So Do I... And So Do I
Standing just several feet away from the supposedly original clearing, John carefully looked around.
"Fuck, this place isn't associated with the best memories…
"I mean, it's still quite a historic moment to be sure: the first time you tried to kill me…
"Ah… the good old times…"
Suddenly, he realized something "Except it's actually not that clearing… I'm in a new world, there wouldn't be any footprints…
"I'm just going in circles…" he concluded, following the direction of the footsteps with his sight "Well that's stupid!" he cried out in frustration.
After a second however, yet another realization struck him "This doesn't remove the risk of Manticore though.
"And it seems I already wasn't completely alone." he finally added eyeing the giant footsteps next to his own with great worry.
Then, a monstrous roar, shaking the trees and chilling the blood in his veins reached John's ears, coming from somewhere behind him.
"No…"
Slowly turning to face the beast however, John discovered nothing but a small innocent bunny, peacefully eating some forest herbs.
"What?" was his first and completely comprehensible reaction
Then came another reaction "Wait, it's not that thing from the Monty Python, is it?" he shakenly added, confusion turning to panic.
A second later however, a gargantuan maw plummeted on the bunny, consuming it whole, while crushing all of John's freaked out theories.
Slowly lifting his eyes to where the sky would have normally been, John saw what could only be identified as the terrifying maw of an exceptionally gigantic manticore, avidly chewing its meager prey.
Only pronouncing a trepid "Fuck…" John immediately bolted as far from the creature as he could.
The latter however wasn't incline to let its main meal escape. Swallowing the bunny and producing another deafening roar, it lunged after the human.
"Fucking hell… Why can't you kill me slightly more peacefully…" John exclaimed continuing to run amidst the trees while constantly panickily glancing back.
Meanwhile, the Manticore quickly approached, each of its monumental leaps stretching to more than a dozen feet and sometimes effortlessly uprooting several trees in its wake.
"Fuck, last time trees helped…
"Maybe I should try hiding on one." John wondered, but noticing the quickly nearing beast immediately dropped his attempts at climbing.
"Hey, narrator! Help me maybe?!"
In the ruthless forest, it seemed nothing would aid John in his escape… And indeed, nothing did, instead it forced him to fall face first into the dirt, as he stumbled on a root.
"This isn't helping!"
As John hastily got up and cleaned his eyes, there was no more point in trying to escape. The beast now circled him, playing with its terrified prey before the ultimate lunge.
"Great… Well then, there isn't anything other left to do I guess." John sighed, concurrently spitting some dirt. Plunging a hand into his pocket, he hastily got the Fallen Star out of it. After a quick glance at its shining surface, he swiftly put it on, returning his sight to the Manticore.
In an instant, the purple mist submerged John's vision once again, fleeing from his orbits as smoke from a chimney. Meanwhile, the annoyed voice of a certain cosmic deity also returned, reappearing as if it was never gone.
It started by finishing its interrupted sentence "…east upon the souls of the innocents?"
"What?"
Then, realizing what just occurred, immediately took control over John's left arm, giving his face a painful clawed slap.
"Ungrateful mortal, how dare you?!" it uttered, the sound resounding through John's mind way louder and more impressively than any Manticores.
Wincing in pain while rubbing his hurt cheek with his other arm, John immediately protested "Stop! Now is not the time for that, I'm going to fucking die!"
Meanwhile, the Manticore had stopped for a second, confusedly observing its prey's curious behavior.
Noticing that, John let out a small sigh of relief "Good." before suddenly receiving another slap, now with his normal hand.
"Stop it!" he immediately cried out afterwards, crossing his arms and holding one with the other to prevent any further slapping "Deal with that Manticore instead!"
"Why would I do that if you just break your own deal so lightly?" harshly replied Cosmic Chaos, now taking control of John's mouth.
"Well… Ugh… I promise, I won't do it ever again!" desperately swore the human seeing the Manticore snapping out of its short confusion and baring its sharp fangs in a menacing hiss.
"What are your pitiful promises worth…" retorted the other in a tone so harsh, it hurt John's throat.
"Well… My life in this case. And your relative freedom too!" he quickly answered incessantly following the beast with his gaze.
"Argh… It always comes back to that. Such a malicious tactic…" grumbled Cosmic Chaos frustratedly hissing in a way that human lungs clearly weren't supposed to replicate.
"That's kinda the type of practice you should stand for" argued John after a quick cough "So, help me goddammit!"
Feeling great confusion surge in his mind, John could already expect a heated response "How can you know that?" the question angrily burst from his throat.
"Save me first and you'll know the answer." he simply replied, then, realizing the slight flaw of this bargain, added "Or just read my memories till the end… But save me anyway!"
The Manticore was starting to have enough of its unusual prey. About a minute already passed as the gargantuan creature curiously observed its agitated movements and listened to its unimposing screams. Now ready to end the observation, the beast braced itself for an ultimate lunge.
"Act already! Fucking hell!" uttered John, now panickily waving his hands.
"Ugh… So impatient… Quite a common trait for such powerless mortals…" at these words, a purple haze suddenly immerged from the soil under the Manticore's paws.
Confused, the beast tried to free itself from this haze but to no avail. It seemed to stick to its body as thick resin.
After a second, the strange haze started converging on one of the creature's front paws, leaving it even more bewildered.
Trying to eliminate the unidentified vapor, the Manticore started maniacally biting the air in its location. After several seconds, a pained roar resounded through the Everfree Forest. Perhaps it had bitten itself, or perhaps the mists effects took hold.
Indeed, it was progressively getting thicker and thicker, so thick even that the paw's traits could no longer be distinguished. A second later it vanished, as if sucked into the paw.
The paw was however not a paw anymore. Emerging from the mist was a fat and murky tentacle.
Eyeing its new limb, first with confusion, then with wrath, it wasn't long before the Manticore started furiously biting it, tearing great chunks of its slimy flesh. Sometimes it stopped for a second, maybe realizing the futility of its actions or just overwhelmed by the pain it was causing itself. But such pauses never lasted long.
"See! I'm not the only one to dislike the idea of tentacles for arms!" triumphantly declared John before receiving yet another slap.
Now holding his pained face with both hands, he much less triumphantly implored "Please stop. I'm sorry for removing the Star. I won't do it again."
"Because if you do, I will be the one to personally murder you…" ruthlessly declared Cosmic Chaos, ripping John's arms from his face and speaking through his mouth.
"Now that that's hopefully settled, can you come back to speaking in my mind?" John weakly added.
"Ugh… Fine."
After a faint "Thank you." followed by a much less faint "Shut up narrator!" John confidently left the clearing, not even giving the struggling Manticore a last glance.
"Well now, you already saved my life." he sighed, making his way through the forest with the sole intention of getting the further away possible from the suffering beast "I won't forget that."
After a second, the response came in the form of a mocking voice within his thoughts "Pff…You do seem to forget quite a lot. Your memories are ridden with holes."
"Well that's much more the problem of the human race in general." John explained with an apologetic sigh. Then, however, a small smirk came back to his face as he sheepishly suggested "Anyway, let's say I won't forget it till in two days, does that sound like a more realistic promise?"
Ignoring this proposition, Cosmic Chaos just went on with her examination of John's memories "Well, about the human race. Are you really telling me that there's a whole other universe that watches this one as some kind of twisted reality show? I should definitely pay them a visit…"
At these words, a content smile stretched upon John's face "If you didn't notice, I'm not telling you anything." he simply said "You're the one to be scanning my mind."
"It's indeed usually quite a reliable source of information…"
Now that his life was no longer in danger and his hands ceased slapping his face, John finally felt in a good mood "You know what I just realized?" he cheerfully asked "There is one big advantage you have over every other living being I've encountered so far: I don't need to explain anything to you!"
"God, it's so much easier!" he exclaimed with a relief-filled voice that spread through the woods, covering even the pained wails of the struggling Manticore somewhere behind "I'd be so happy if everyone could just read my mind and… no actually it wouldn't be that great…"
"Huh, you don't need a lot to be happy…" remarked Cosmic Chaos, feeling the human's bliss. Then, she suddenly paused, as if bewildered by what she discovered in her inspection of the memories.
"Did you find the homework folder?" John immediately quizzed; voice filled with not-so-childish anticipation.
Snapping out of her stupor, but still slightly pensive Cosmic Chaos confirmed this theory "Well, exactly." But not really in the way he was expecting "Never understood why mortals needed such incomprehensible education. It doesn't even teach how to burn a village or massacre innocents, what's the point to that?"
"Oh, that homework folder…" John sighed, all playfulness turning to disappointment "God, why can't you just find the porn already so that my shitty jokes don't fall flat…"
"Hah, you thought I'd be shocked by that?" mockingly asked the other, John feeling a wide smirk stretch across her nonexistent face "Ludicrous, the universe sees so much worse…"
"Or better, depending on how you put it."
"Well, I'm still disappointed." he grumbled, shrugging and bringing his thwarted sight to the grassy ground he walked upon.
"And, that's your problem."
"Indeed." he agreed, continuing his observation of the forest floor "However, there's currently a problem that we both share: the narrator."
"Don't you think he talks too much without purpose?" he then asked, now dubitatively eyeing the air as a small flock of colorful birds slowly flew through it, filling the forest with their cheerful chirps.
"Well, that's somewhat his job." truthfully argued the other "But then, I can agree that he's been particularly vain lately."
"So…" John started, observing the birds disappear behind the green foliage above, their chants remaining audible nonetheless "Can't you… uhm… turn him off?"
Cosmic Chaos wasn't completely sure "That's quite an interesting idea." she mused, concurrently forcing one of the birds to have a heart attack and fall tumbling through the forest "You know, now that I hear him through your ears it's really starting to get quite annoying… Well then, yes, let's just…"
A wasteland. Barren and lifeless. Covered in ashes that has seen the rise of an evil, its rein and its devastating defeat. An endless world of nothing.
But as all worlds, even this one had a king… or rather a Prince.
Slightly lifting his tired head from the dusty ground that now served as his royal bed, Background Pony Number 377 exultantly mumbled "It is now time for the Prince of Nothing to end his regal nap and rise to his royal occupations…"
After a second however, a realization struck him "Wait, I'm not nothing so technically, I have no sovereignty over myself…"
"Yeah… I'll sleep some more…" he decided, putting his head back down and closing his eyes in the anticipation of the sweet slumber.
Left alone in this place he could solemnly exercise his rule over the whole of this ashen land. After all, he was a Prince of Nothing in a world of nothing, is there a better fate?...
"Hell, I hate my life…"
It was less than a day ago that the last other living being had left the grounds of this realm, traversing a mysterious portal leading to some, much less empty, reality and now, all was calm.
So calm even, that not the slightest vibration, not the faintest gust of playful wind traversed the lifeless planes of this realm.
A deafening calm. A blinding and mind-numbing display of inaction…
Not a single event in the whole of this land…
…
…
…
…
All of a sudden, the Prince of Nothing moved lightly in his sleep, shifting a leg less than an inch to the side. The movement caused a small cloud of blackish dust to burst of the lifeless ground. However, the latter immediately settled on its previous place due to the complete lack of wind or other atmospheric movement.
And the calm returned…
…
…
…
…
Nothing.
Nothing .
Nada.
Absolute zero.
The total lack of anything.
The complete absence of action and reaction.
The utter dearth of events.
A presence-less nothing where things are absent.
A nonentity so pure and unaltered that it doesn't even exist.
Long, unending hours that stretch like millennia, seeing but the peaceful and unmoving sleep of one single creature.
An unending and yet so brief eternity filled with nothing but nothing…
…
…
Suddenly, as if bursting through this complete void of happenings, annihilating this nonexistent nihilism into its inbeing shreds, a movement. The long-awaited awakening of the regal ruler of this desert land: The Prince of Nothing opened an eye.
Stretching his unfit muscles with a grace only familiar to the greatest leaders, he slowly mumbled "Fuck, I'm so tired of sleeping…"
"Should maybe take a nap next for a change." he mused eyeing his unending wasteland of a kingdom with boredom.
"What shitty fate I have…" he regretfully sighed, the small gust of his breath making some of the immobile dust disperse in a miniature cloud "The fate to rule over the most inexistent aspect of nature… To rule over this empty world." he concluded with a hint of apathy.
Then, steadying a bit, he tried reassuring himself "Well, I guess there can't be anything without nothing… And there can't be nothing without somepony to rule it."
Taking a panoramic glance around he asked a question destined to nothing but himself "Like, imagine how disorganized this place would be if I wasn't here?" then, answered it, even slightly smiling with a tinge of enthusiasm "Huh, complete chaos!"
A surge of pride ran through his mind "Ah, there's still something satisfying in seeing a job well done." he concluded with a small determined frown "And I really feel like I'm great at mine so far."
After slowly shifting his gaze skywards, he weakly proclaimed "Oh, the void… When I look at this smoke-covered sky, the only thing that comes to my mind is… nothing." then, bringing his gaze back to the earth added "Same for this ashen soil…"
Contemplation in his eyes, Background Pony Number 377 heavily sighed "Immortality can be such a curse…".
A second later however, his expression turned much more content "I'm so glad it isn't one for me."
Meditatively sliding a hoof through the dust, he asked himself a very important question "After all, is there something I like doing more than nothing?" immediately, he answered it, taking no more time than necessary to mull it over "No, nothing… Nothing is better than nothing, I can say that with certainty."
Only spending a second more in reverie, he snapped out of it, determinedly declaring "Well, maybe instead of talking I should return to my royal duties already?"
Then, he slightly less determinedly added "Yep. Return to doing nothing."
Suddenly, he remembered something important "Wait, I almost forgot, I'm still not nothing. So, I can't command myself, it's out of my field of influence." he regretfully said with a thoughtful sigh.
"But at the same time, I kinda tend to agree with my own orders right now so…" he started, arguing with himself in a meaningless debate.
All this was really getting complicated "Ugh… Being a ruler can be so difficult at times…" he finally griped.
After a quick time of reflection however a common agreement seemed to finally emerge "Well, with or without my orders, I think I can approve that taking a nap is a good idea." he decided before lazily lowering his head upon the not-so-comfortable cushion of compacted ash. As a yawn escaped his tired mouth, Background Pony Number 377 was ready to sleep once more.
"Yep, I definitely need to return to my royal duties." he wearily mumbled sinking into a deep slumber as a ship lost forever to a bottomless ocean.
"He's been gone for quite a while, hasn't he? Like, it's nighttime already, how long can he be gone for!"
"Well, I highly doubt that such being as a narrator could leave its masters completely. After all, I didn't even really turn him off as you say, I've just sent him to the most desert place your memories account of."
"I guess there's no need to worry then… But I still tend to."
"Huh, the longer I am with you, the better I realize how awful being a mortal actually is… I always knew it was bad but… Huh, worry… Yet another completely useless emotion to add to the list…"
"Can't disagree with that… Actually, why were we even wondering about the narrator in the first place?"
"Maybe because my powers depend on his presence?"
"Oh, right. Anyway, let's return to our argument, shall we?" proposed John, taking an occupational tone.
"Ah, yes." agreed the other, before suddenly starting to heatedly yell "We've been lost in this godforsaken forest for hours and it's all because of you!"
Not losing his composure, John immediately responded in a much similar tone "Well, I'm not the one telling where to go, you do that!"
"It's not my fault your stupid memories are so incomplete and false!" even inaudible, these words contained much more power than the whole of the world of nothing including its leader "According to them, we shouldn't be too far right now!"
John still wasn't so convinced "Huh, because now I need someone else to be reading my own memories…" he discourteously grumbled.
"Well, I don't know, if you're too incompetent to do it yourself…" retorted Cosmic Chaos, even forcing an exasperated roll of eyes on John's face.
"And now you're blaming me again…" sighed the latter after rapidly blinking in discomfort "Such rudeness."
At this accusation, Cosmic Chaos just snapped "Shut up!" she uttered, wildly stuttering all of John's thoughts "It's your luck we weren't eaten by some woodland creature yet! Because you clearly weren't paying any attention to any of my advice!"
Coming out of the outburst-induced stupor John immediately wanted to respond "Well excuse me, Chaos, but…" he started, preparing to unleash his great expertise in the field of insults before suddenly coming to a stop, listening to the ambient air in bewilderment "Wait, did you hear that?" he asked with a small smile.
The other however, manifestly didn't hear that "What is your mortal mind worried about again?" she harshly inquired instead.
"The narrator, he came back!" John relievedly exclaimed, the sound almost reaching Zecora's ears, as the zebra's hut stood only a few dozens of feet away.
"Oh."
After a small sigh and a pensive glance around, he added "And according to what he said, we were arguing for nothing…"
"Huh… It seems his ramblings weren't as vain after all… It's good he came back then…"
"Indeed… Also, we probably shouldn't have been yelling at each other here…" John finally concluded, even forcing himself to slightly lower his voice.
"Well no one can hear me so it's rather you that should have stayed quiet… But yes…" reluctantly agreed the other, plunging back into her inspection of John's memories with the intent of a closer analysis of this place.
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Great Minds Think Alike... Not All Minds Are so Great Though
As the gloomy rays of the Moon hardy traversed the thick foliage of the Everfree Forest, a somewhat lost John restlessly wandered in search of Zecora's hut that he knew wasn't far away.
"It's no wonder we couldn't find it, the zebra turned her lights off this time." sighed John, struggling to distinguish something in the dimly lit forest.
"Argh… Your pitiful eyes are so unfit for such nocturnal research…" annoyedly hissed Cosmic Chaos "Let me…" she started, already concentrating her power on John's vision.
"No!" he immediately yelled, interrupting her before anything really had the time to happen "I won't let you do anything else with my body! I'm willing to search a bit more thoroughly, just leave me be as I am!"
"Pff… You're no fun…"
As he winced and blinked in the thick darkness however, John's eyes slowly started to show a strong motivation to remain closed "And can't we just do it tomorrow anyway?" he tiredly asked "Like, it'll be way easier… and I'm starting to get… quite sleepy…" he finally declared with an exhausted yawn.
"No!" immediately retorted the other, forcing John to hold his tired eyes firmly open "You can't just ruin our perfectly crafted plan so lightly!"
"But I… I don't know… I'm just falling asleep…" he replied, slowly sitting down on the ground.
"Stop it!" finally snapped Cosmic Chaos. At these words, a huge cup of coffee appeared right in John's hands. A second later, the hands moved on their own, forcing him to drink it "You need to stay awake!"
Once free from the cup John just confusedly asked "Why do you even care so much? It's not like stealing this Amulet will change something for you."
"Perhaps it won't… or perhaps it will…" mysteriously responded the other.
"Hahaha… I can already imagine this stupid mortal's face when I finally leave him for a more suitable host…"
"You realize I just heard that, right?" John suddenly quizzed, his face displaying a complex mix of confusion, amusement and slight worry. Thanks to the coffee, all sleepiness was now gone.
To that, Cosmic Chaos responded with a thunderous roar that heavily shook John's mind but still wasn't able to exit its boundaries. A heated yell followed swiftly after "Even my thoughts aren't safe! What is this torture? Now, I can't even scheme in peace without this useless mortal hearing me!"
"Well, you already knew that." John simply replied getting up again "Like, what I suggest is that we both don't try betraying each other and work as a team; wouldn't that be a wonderful and mutually beneficial solution?"
"Well you can try doing that on your own…" she grumbled, forcing John to throw the half-filled cup of coffee he was holding on the hard ground, observing it break in small pieces.
"I'll still try throwing the Star on this Zecora that apparently lives here…" and "Huh, completely forgot I was holding that…" simultaneously echoed through John's mind.
This was followed by a shared "Hey, I heard that!"
"Well, I knew you did and I wasn't scheming to betray you!" John immediately retorted, angrily kicking some of the cups remains to unwillingly discover they still contained liquid.
"Can't say the same about myself…" grumbled Cosmic Chaos, forcing John to step into the still wet remains of the coffee cup, unpleasantly dampening his shoe "I guess I'll just openly tell you my schemes from now on then…"
"And what if you don't scheme against me instead?" John frustratedly argued, shaking his foot in desperate attempts to dry it.
After a second however, another interesting thought came to him "Hey, what if I promise you that I will go find another of your Stars next? Would this slightly ensure you of my worth and stop these shitty attempts at betrayal?"
"Perhaps…" irresolutely agreed the other. Then, she harshly added "But I will only truly believe you when the second Star hangs upon your stupid neck… So now shut up and let's steal this godforsaken Amulet already..."
At these words, John felt a gust of force push his body forward. Only producing a small sigh, he obeyed and started walking "Alright… Let's do it, just tell me where to go."
"Right." harshly ordered Cosmic Chaos.
John however didn't move. In fact, he even stopped walking and now just pensively eyed the air "Uh… where is the right again?" he sheepishly asked after a second in thought.
A painful slap gave him the answer "Here! Oh god, I hate you so much!"
Now going in the right direction, John simply answered "Well, know that this feeling isn't mutual." before adding "Anyway, we shouldn't be too far now. I should probably stop talking."
"Yes, shut up already."
In the night, John slowly approached the…
"And you too!"
…
"Ah, that's something I approve! See narrator, there really are times you should shut up and I'm not the only one to be saying that!"
"Argh… I'm starting to miss the cold, silent vacuum of the outer space…"
"And that's your problem. Because now, you aren't alone anymore, and this won't change so soon…"
"Didn't you say you would shut up?"
"Well, no one can hear my thoughts… except you of course."
Nothing but a loud sigh resonated through John's mind as he crawled next to what he assumed could only be a wall of Zecora's hut.
"Because, let me guess… It's actually not?"
"Don't worry, it is… However, I highly recommend you to stop right where you are."
"Why?" John internally quizzed, stopping nonetheless.
"Because." simply replied the other. As she did however, a strange unnatural vibration became perceivable on the normally inert wooden wall.
As John confusedly steeped back, it intensified, even becoming slightly visible.
"What are you doing exactly?" he worriedly asked, observing the wall with great concern.
Instead of an answer, a faint glow ran across the wall's surface. It seemed to draw the likeness of a twisted line, etching its tracing in the tree's exterior.
Meanwhile, the vibration got to its paroxysm. After an exceptionally great throb, the wall separated along the jagged line that had carved itself in its bark. And as it did, enormous sharp teeth became visible in its interior structure.
And so, in place of a plain wall, there stood a toothed doorway, alike to the gaping maw of a wooden titan.
As a final touch, a triumphant "Voilà!" echoed through John's mind.
He, however, eyed the opening with slight amusement "Great. You realize the building had a door though, right?" he internally asked, dubitatively raising an eyebrow.
"Indeed… But I wasn't willing to take the risk of you toppling some cauldrons in your endless clumsiness." grumbled the other before much more cheerfully adding "Also, doesn't this make a nice decoration?"
"Well, it's not my house, I can't really judge... Anyway, so, where's the Amulet in all that mess?" John internally inquired, eyeing the room through the opening and slowly going inside.
"In front of your very eyes my dear…" replied the other, her tone suddenly much sweeter.
Gratefully eyeing the small cloth lying on a crate before him, John didn't give much thought to Zecora's bed that only was several feet away.
Instead, he headed for the cloth.
"Well that's great. You've really thought about everything." he internally exclaimed, feeling a happy smile appear on his face "See, it's not that hard to cooperate!"
"But, of course…" agreed Cosmic Chaos in the most welcoming voice she could master. Then, she suddenly paused as if in thoughts.
"Just get a bit closer to…"
"To it." she quickly added, as if correcting herself "Get a bit closer to it."
"Oh, but you don't need to ask."
However, as John enthusiastically leaned in to take the Amulet, he saw his left arm grab the Fallen Star from his chest. Next, his body violently jerked towards the sleeping Zebra on the side and, simultaneously, the arm threw the accursed jewel towards her.
"I knew it…"
As the Star left John's neck however, Cosmic Chaos' influence quickly faded. And instead of the precise through she had planned, the trinket just immediately fell to the ground, only stopped from touching it by John's other arm that lightly grasped it in the air.
"She's going to be so mad…"
With a sigh, he put the Star in his pocket, returning his gaze to the other accursed artifact in the room.
"But that's not important right now. The second Alicorn Amulet awaits me!"
Lightly removing the small cloth that covered it, John reached for the jewel with an eager hand… before confusedly discovering there was nothing in its place.
"What?"
Straightening, he looked around in confused though.
"Well, it was supposed to be here… But who knows, maybe it's hidden somewhere else in the hut in this universe."
It was then that he noticed a faint glow in one of the drawers on the opposite side of the room.
"Exactly. It could be anywhere in here as far as I know!"
Slowly and carefully making his way through the slightly cluttered room, John successfully managed to step over several rows of pots and alchemical ingredients.
"Hah! I'm better at this than last time!" he triumphantly though, maneuvering around the extinguished fireplace.
However, at this very same second…
"No! Nothing! You aren't doing this!" John exclaimed , as if attempting to interrupt an inaudible orator.
A second later, he realized what he had done "Oh… This wasn't very stealthy, was it?"
Spending no more time in thought, John just recklessly rushed towards the glowing drawer.
"I mean, there's no point in trying anymore…" he sighed, toppling several pots with a clatter that could have woken up the entirety of a small town.
As the drawer entered his reach, John immediately pulled on its handle "I guess I'll just grab it and flee like last time…" he mused, looking inside the container.
To his great disappointment however, instead of the Amulet, inside were strange multicolored pebbles that rapidly shifted, radiating a bizarre rainbow glow.
"Well I guess these rainbow things really have their success." he declared with another deep sigh "That doesn't help me though…"
Hearing some movement behind him, John understood that there was no more time to waste "I'll just look everywhere I can then." he decided, starting to hastily open all drawers, topple all pots and uncover all cloths he could reach.
The Amulet however, remained absent.
All of a sudden, John heard a familiar voice behind him.
"I may not know who are you or even what
"I have terrible plan…"
Now completely losing all hopes to find the jewel normally John turned around to face the zebra "Well, exactly…" he slowly declared, sheepishly closing the nearest drawer "I've heard you possess the Alicorn Amulet. May I have a look?" he warmly asked, putting on the most welcoming smile he could master.
In front of him Zecora stood amidst the John-induced rubble, her face displaying a stern frown. After a second in though, she replied.
"Fuck, that's what I call being fast at writing poems!"
"I no longer have it, it is gone since last yearmint mare
"Mint mare… Lyra… Oh, that's not good, is it?" was John's first reaction.
Then, he realized he still needed to reply "Uhm… That's unfortunate…" he slowly started, struggling to choose his words "I have nothing to do with it however…" he continued, giving a quick glance in the door's direction.
Instead of an answer, he was met with a sceptic frown.
"I swear this isn't your Amulet!" he quickly exclaimed shifting his gaze to the blackish jewel on his neck "It's… from a different universe!"
Seeing the frown only deepen, he decided there was no more point in trying to explain "Anyway, I'm quite busy right now… So… I need to go." he finally confessed with a forced apologetic smile.
Immediately after, he rushed towards the door with great haste.
Before he could reach it however, he was stopped by a stoic hoof.
"Oh… It's that shit again…"
"Your tale is quite nice; I should let you know
It was then that John remembered the exitance of the other door . With a mocking "Nope" he immediately bolted in the direction of the latter. Rapidly traversing its maw-like opening, he didn't turn back, leaving a rather flabbergasted Zecora behind.
"Did she really not see it?" he disbelievingly wondered, now outside "But then, I guess she was already busy enough with me…"
"Anyway, I should probably put the Star on again…" John mumbled, taking several steps away from the house and into the forest "Cosmic Chaos might be useful against Zecora… Or against Lyra…"
Taking the Star out of his pocket, he pensively looked at it before slowly sighing "Please don't slap me…"
Meanwhile, Zecora had slightly regained her composure. Though still confused, her grave figure was now visible, peering into the night through the new maw-like opening in her house.
Noticing that, John quickly put off all his doubts and fears, putting the Star on his neck without further ado.
As the jewel returned to its place, liberating its host in a cloud of purple smoke, two things happened.
Firstly, a furious roar thundered through John's whole body, shaking him with the intensity of a thousand earthquakes. Secondly, in a clattering shank of bending wood and colliding teeth, the maw-like door closed.
As the ruthless jaws of a titanic shark, its top and bottom united, making the whole house vibrate with power and leaving Zecora even more stunned than she was before.
"Stop ruining my plans!" Cosmic Chaos yelled, the words sounding as deafening to John as they were inaudible to anyone else.
"I didn't…" John apologetically started before swiftly blocking an incoming slap from his left hand.
"It's sad I was expecting that…" he declared afterwards. Immediately, a second, unblocked slap reached his face.
"Don't you dare!" resonated through his mind.
"Please, calm down!" he pleaded with a sigh "Everything isn't that bad. You'll have plenty of chances to betray me later… Or you could just stop trying and accept your fate…"
Only receiving a displeased growl in place of a response, John decided to interrupt his attempts at communication.
All of a sudden, he heard a small, almost unperceivable, sound of light hoofsteps upon the forest floor.
"No…"
Panickily glancing in their direction, he saw nothing but darkness.
However, what he couldn't have seen was a pair of invisible eyes that observed him from this very darkness.
"Wait, invisible eyes? That's not good… Who's there?" he unsurely exclaimed, preparing to flee.
"Fuck… I hope it's not Lyra… Don't think running could save me from her now…"
"Well, it seems great minds think alike…" sighed Starlight, coming out of her invisibility.
"Oh, it's you, hi!" John relievedly exclaimed at the mare's sight.
"Hello…" she slowly replied, before continuing "You know, you've really inspired me to try stealing one of these artifacts that you labeled on your plan. This one seemed to be the nearest…"
"An unreformed Starlight with the Alicorn Amulet… This could have been an interesting universe… It's not though.
"Instead we have… Lyra… And that's problematic… and terrifying."
Bringing her gaze to the sky, Starlight looked pensive "But I guess I wasn't the only one to realize that." she concluded, shrugging "I'm too late, right?"
"Well I was too." John suddenly declared with a joyless smirk "It's gone since a year now… Stolen… by… well by someone…"
Letting out a surprised "Oh." Starlight brought her eyes to John.
It was then that she noticed some changes that occurred to the human "Uhm… What happened to you?" she confusedly asked, ogling his Draconequus arm and extremely excessive smoke in the eyes.
"I did!" responded a voice that came from John's mouth and yet manifestly wasn't his own.
"Hey! I completely forgot about you! Don't stay so silent!"
After a second in his thoughts John unhappily added "Yep…" now with his normal voice.
"Uhm… Who?" Starlight immediately quizzed with a confused frown.
"Cosmic Chaos! Universal deity and Draconequus of Malice!" the unknown voice triumphantly proclaimed. Then, slightly less triumphantly, it added "I was defeated millennia ago and trapped in these Stars!" John's hand moved, pointing at a purple jewel that now hang upon his already overloaded neck "And this idiot found one of them…"
As the voice finished its speech, John immediately retorted "Hey, I'm no idiot! And stop talking through my mouth like that, it's uncomfortable!"
"Well I do need to speak to her. How can I do that if she can't hear me?" replied the voice in John's mind "Also, you're an idiot whether you want it or not."
"Ugh… OK… Not for the idiot part though, we'll talk about that later!"
Meanwhile, there was still something Starlight wasn't getting "And where are you exactly?" she hesitantly asked, looking around John for any signs of anyone else.
"Inside." the response came in both voices at the same time.
"What?"
"She possessed me." John proceeded to explain "But not completely. So, it's kinda like schizophrenia except its useful… Sometimes."
"Oh… So, isn't it uhm… uncomfortable?" Starlight hesitantly asked after a small pause.
The response however, didn't come from the one she expected "Oh yes! So uncomfortable! I can't bear him!" theatrically exclaimed Cosmic Chaos.
"Well I'm OK…" later added John with much less fervor.
"In fact, I'm so overwhelmingly upset with this powerless mortal that I would gladly join you instead!" Cosmic Chaos concluded, ignoring John's small incursion.
To these last words, Starlight reacted with a small chuckle "No thanks! I'm fine with being alone in my head." she mockingly declared.
"Hah! You ain't leaving me today!"
It was then that the shriek of an opening door echoed from Zecora's hut's direction. Apparently, her confused stupor couldn't have lasted forever.
Hearing the latter John immediately steadied himself "Well, it's time for me to go! Bye!" he exclaimed.
"Goodbye." simply replied Starlight, becoming invisible once more "I probably shouldn't stay here either."
And as he heard these last words, only giving a small glance in Zecora's direction, John immediately bolted into the forest, running through the woods as fast as he could.
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor... One Should go There by Train Instead Because it's Way Fucking Easier
And so, calmly walking, now in the direction of the rails, John…
"Can you stop with the long-ass useless paragraphs to describe the fact I'm walking please?" John indignantly declared, continuing to walk along the…
"No, you won't escape me by putting them inside the dialog… or rather monolog! Stop it."
…
"And now you stop talking completely…"
"Well, in your useless meddling with the outer forces of this world, you've reached the rails already…"
"Oh, that's right." John recognized, putting an unconfident foot upon the train tracks and…
"Ugh… and you continue… I can't bear trying to argue anymore…" he exasperatedly sighed, accepting his fate and ceasing trying to interrupt the all-mighty voice in his head.
In his endless arguing with the air however, what John failed to notice was that the train station he sought was in fact not that far away, numerous ponies bustling to their occupations on its busy platform.
"Wait, that's not good…" he suddenly realized, looking around to discover just how noticeable he was in the ambient field.
To his great relief however, most passenger were too busy with their travel, hurriedly managing their baggage and entering or exiting the train. No all though, some of the most curious and observant ones already started confusedly eyeing the field, trying to distinguish the strange being that walked there.
"Fuck, I need cover!" John panickily exclaimed, unwilling to reiterate the creation of general panic. Then addressing Cosmic Chaos, he added "I don't know, can you make something like… a tree for me to hide behind?"
"Ugh… Fine… I'm already sick of you running away…" she reluctantly agreed. At these words, the nearest grass started unnaturally shifting, as if trying to escape their vegetal bounds.
"Hey, narrator, don't you think you're repeating yourself a bit with all these spooky descriptions of transformations? Well, I don't know, it works and I guess that's alright…" John rudely wondered, skeptically eyeing the grass.
Meanwhile, after a second of such shifting, the grass exploded, releasing a cloud of pinkish smoke.
"OK, that's already slightly more original… Not extremely stealthy though…" he added, coughing in the cloud of smoke.
In the epicenter of the explosion, ripping the earth apart and shaking the environment as a miniature earthquake emerged giant fang-like spikes. Their surface, jagged and twisted, displayed numerous small gnarls and burrows.
"Yeah, that's definitely what I call a stealthy entrance…"
"You really shouldn't have taunted him like that…"
The spikes soon grew tentacle-like appendages, each measuring several feet and terminating in a gaping maw. These branches were constantly shifting, the jaws at their ends continually snapping on the air with avid chomps.
And so, the tree was ready.
Eyeing the abomination in his front John sighed "Nice tree…"
After a second he heard Cosmic Chaos imitating him and adding "Yeah, that's the problem with Draconequus magic…"
Detuning his gaze from the tree however, John noticed that the ponies who curiously observed him a second earlier were now either alarmedly running towards him or even more alarmedly fleeing in the opposite direction.
"Yeah… Clearly the most furtive entrance I've ever seen…" he slowly enounced, shifting his gaze to the train.
Then, a completely stupid idea came to his mind "Hey, don't judge the stupidity of my ideas!" he cried out, imitating the ponies in their scuttling but rather taking the train as his objective.
But despite its utter foolishness , the move nearly worked. Because thanks to its complete inevitability and monstrosity, the tree had much more caught the ponies' attention than John himself, allowing him to nonchalantly flee next to the running equines.
"Hah, narrator! None of your shitty attempts at vengeance can get me!" he triumphantly exclaimed, now running upon the rails.
"You should really stop taunting him…" Cosmic Chaos justly advised.
Because, all of a sudden, tainting his victory, John heard the clear sound of a train's departing whistle.
"Oh, you're still not done…" he realized, accelerating to see that the train was already slowly leaving the station.
"Uhm… Chaos? Can you help?" he immediately asked, hopefully eyeing the air.
"Not if you don't call me by the full name…" the other indignantly responded.
Concentrating to find the words, John ran in silence for a second then after a nonchalant "OK then." he theatrically started "Oh, great Queen of Malice, Cosmic Chaos, canst thou, in thy undoubtable mercy, grant me, a simple mortal, the wish of making the train go slightly slower so that I, thy eternal servant, may arrive into the equine capital of Canterlot and thus, fulfill thy wish of acquiring the Fallen Star that may keep you slightly more whole in your regalest person?" he formally announced, continuing to run upon the rails.
The prestation was met with a chuckle "That's better. The train's already gone though." Cosmic Chaos remarked, bringing John's gaze upon its vague figure in the distance.
After a disappointed "Oh…" John ceased running, turning his head around to realize just how long his speech really was. In fact, the train station was already about half a mile behind, hidden by a small hill.
"Well, let's hope the tree was enough to distract the ponies while I ran past them…" John sighed, sitting disgruntledly upon the rails "I guess let's just wait for another train…"
"You really shouldn't sit on the train tracks like that…" Cosmic Chaos suggested after a second.
Still sitting where he was, John just dismissively asked "Are you suggesting that a train might just suddenly appear behind my back, risking to run me over a split second later?"
Receiving no response, he continued "Because that would be extremely predictable and not very original. Are you suggesting that our great narrator shares any of the traits I've just mentioned?
"Anyway, I don't think so, because I really have high hopes for our narrator that I think is way above such cliché writing!" John declared, finishing his speech. The only response he got however, was a loud whistle and a vague scream of terror coming from somewhere behind him.
"OK, I'm taking my words back. He's stupid." he immediately conceded, jumping on his feet and getting off the rails to barely dodge the incoming train.
Meanwhile, Cosmic Chaos performed an internal facepalm "You know, it's just that train tracks are usually a place where trains go. So, sitting on them and expecting to be safe from trains is pretty stupid." she sneeringly but justly explained.
"Maybe." John rapidly agreed. Then, a much more important issue came to his mind "But anyway, can you somehow facilitate my job and make it go slower?"
"I won't need to..." the other replied, as the screeching of the trains' breaks became noticeable behind the clutter of its wheels.
"Wait, why?" John confusedly asked, hurriedly heading to the last wagon nonetheless.
"There should be some kind of balcony for me to climb on…" he concurrently thought, as the different wagons were passing before his eyes.
"Ugh… Just mortals and their inability to easily end each other's lives…" casually explained the other.
"Strangely enough, it quickly disappears in times of war… Then, it becomes much more interesting to watch..."
This casual explanation however, wasn't enough, as all it triggered from John's side was a confused "What?"
What followed was a much more contemptuous explanation "When you see a moron such as you sitting on the rails, breaking to save his life and avoid legal consequences is a pretty normal reaction."
This was much clearer, John's reaction to it was however not very mature "Hah! So, sitting on the rails wasn't as bad of an idea!" he triumphantly exclaimed.
"You wouldn't be so sure of it, if you were dead…" Cosmic Chaos crudely argued.
"Indeed…" he agreeingly sighed, all triumph gone from his voice.
Meanwhile, within the train's windows, numerous ponies started noticing the strange creature walk next to the rails.
With a frustrated "Fuck…" John quickly approached its wall so that any curious eyes wouldn't be able to distinguish him at this angle.
"Let's hope I'll be able to climb." he declared, seeing the train come to a complete stop on its rails.
And as the rattle of wheels against the tracks changed to the worried ruckus of a thousand voices, John finally approached the last wagon. Thankfully, it was a baggage wagon, promising a rather peaceful ride.
However, on the small open balcony that culminated the train's structure, stood two ponies, actively talking at a good distance from other passengers.
"Why did the train stop?" one worriedly asked.
"I don't give a flying fuck about your shitty exposition dialogues, just let me get on the fucking train already!" John annoyedly yelled as he heard them talk, interrupting the other's response.
Immediately jerking their heads in John's direction, they first eyed him with indignation. This indignation however, soon turned to fear as they saw just what had so rudely interrupted them. A second later, both bolted inside the wagon firmly closing the door behind them.
Meanwhile, John somehow managed to climb upon the balcony, now struggling to grasp all he could in the quest of reaching the roof.
"You really have a talent for spreading terror and panic around you with your endless stupidity…" Cosmic Chaos jokingly congratulated him "Maybe you're not as useless as all mortals after all…"
"Of course, I'm not!" he indignantly exclaimed, clumsily trying to climb upon the balcony's railing to get onto the roof.
A second later he failingly fell onto the train's floor.
"OK, I may have overestimated you…" Cosmic Chaos admitted as she witnessed the latter "There's a ladder on your left."
After an exasperated "Oh, I'm stupid…" John easily climbed upon the ladder, relievedly sitting upon the train's top.
In the meantime, inside the wagon, hoofsteps resounded, the voices of alarmed ponies, seemingly approaching at great speed.
A second later, the door swung open, a resolute voice asking "Where is it?"
"Phew, barely dodged it…"
After a small awkward silence, another voice shakily responded "I don't know." a second later, it added "If it's gone that's for the better, I guess…"
"Well, it couldn't just have disappeared…" the first voice argued "I'll stay here, it may be hiding somewhere…"
"Wait, I know that voice…"
Meanwhile, the train slowly resumed its way. After another whistle, its wheels started turning once again, their pleasant clutter filling the air.
"Thank you, Princess Twilight Sparkle! It's great to have such a reliable pony with us!" the other voice said.
What followed was the sound of an opening door and a grateful " Goodbye!".
"Well, that explains where I've heard that voice…"
A second later, the door closed, John hearing a loud sigh coming from underneath him.
"Huh, Twilight. That much rather sounds like the title of some teenage romance novel than the name of royalty…" Cosmic Chaos skeptically mused.
"I wish you were wrong…" John internally agreed, slowly lying down on the wagon's roof while desperately holding all his jewels to avoid making any sounds.
Though not completely silent, the move didn't produce enough noise to get through the train's rattle. Meanwhile, John continued his meditations "Like, I've never understood the trend of calling people… or rather ponies with words that actually mean something else.
"That's stupid! It only creates confusion and kinda is a way of preventively deciding your fate at birth."
"Well, I'm not responsible for the mortals' foolishness…"
"I don't know, your name is Cosmic Chaos: two words that have their own other meanings. So, don't exclude yourself from this!" he soundlessly exclaimed, motionlessly lying upon the train.
"I'm a god. Gods don't choose their names." the other indignantly explained "They just respond to the titles flittering mortals gave them. And as all I brought could be seen as chaos on a rather cosmic scale, these fools have entitled me this way."
"Then why the fuck were you offended when I didn't call you by the full name earlier?" John confusedly asked, still… lying on the train.
"It may just be a title, but it's the only one I have. And since I certainly don't want you to lose respect to powers greatly superior to your foolish mortal self, there is still a level of formality to be kept between us."
"OK and so if I actually manage to become a god, will I be able to simply call you Chaos?" he mused, still… not… doing… anything …
"Pff… I won't even give this hypothesis any of my precious time. There is no such thing as becoming a god. Even these Alicorns, omnipotent godlike rulers that the ponies venerate as deities, are nothing but a pitiful attempt at meddling with power mortals can't understand. They're a genetic experimentation gone wrong, nothing more…"
"Yeah, yeah, philosophic exposition much… I don't care. If you've got the power to level a fucking planet, no matter what you call them there really isn't that much of a difference…" he… motionlessly… argued…
"Well, what can you do? Run? That's not the greatest achievement and certainly not one worthy of godhood…"
"I'm saying in the eventuality I somehow manage to use all this shiny junk I've got on me… I mean, there surely is at least one overpowered trinket out of the outrageous amount of them in this whole fucking country that I can use!" he… …
"Yes, there is. My Stars. So maybe instead of gathering powerless silverware you try finding the pieces of my all-mighty self? You know, you will never become a god, so serving one is the closest to it you could ever get…"
"We'll see about that…
"Besides, did the narrator just fucking die while we were talking?"
"Yeah, they do that when there's nothing happening... And since you're pretty inactive right now…"
"I mean, I can't really risk making any sound while I'm guarded by an Alicorn Princess…"
"Hmm… A Princess… This might be my chance…"
"Firstly, I heard that and secondly, did you really not remember how… well how it went last time you tried?"
"Ugh… I can still dream…"
"Anyway, what if instead of plotting against me, you… you think about tunnels?"
"What? Tunnels? Why should I think about such a pitiful theme? They're just a talentless mortal recreation of cosmic wormholes. What is there interesting in that?
"And anyway, who are you to tell me what to think about?"
"No, no, no, that's not what I meant. It's just that I remembered that in your genius plan of going onto the train's roof, you forgot about tunnels."
"I still don't get how is it of any relevance to my immortal self…"
"You know, trains are made to pretty closely fit into them so… I don't know, lying on the train might not be the safest idea…"
"Well, you know, down from the point you accept to adopt my perfectly genius plans, any of the nonexistent flaws they may possess immediately become your and only your problem."
"OK then, because I think I'm seeing something like a tunnel approaching. I guess it'll be my problem not to die…"
"Exactly, you perfectly got it! So, do that while I'm plotting against you in relative peace…"
"So… The Princess is somewhere down there…"
"Because you're actually still trying? Really?"
"Shut up!"
Shifting his head to better see the rapidly approaching tunnel…
"Oh, hey! You're not dead!... That's not the most important thing right now, though." John worriedly wondered, carefully sitting down.
"…Since lobbing the Star didn't work… neither did persuasion…"
John cautiously peeked down the roof "How do I not become dead while ideally managing to also avoid being noticed?" he continued, eyeing Twilight's unmoving figure on the platform below.
"Maybe I should…"
"Hey, can you stop interrupting my thoughts with your thoughts!"
"I can interrupt your thoughts with searing pain instead, if you want." Cosmic Chaos frustratedly grumbled.
Readying himself to respond something along the lines of "No, please don't kill me!" John didn't have the time to do so, as turning around, he saw the tunnels' upper wall approaching at high speed.
Not wasting any more time, he immediately jumped from the roof, producing loud clutter, the darkness of the tunnel almost immediately covering him.
A second later, a sleepy voice worriedly asked "Wha-what? Who's there?"
"Uhm… No one." answered a rather panicked John, hurriedly getting up in the ambient darkness.
"Wait, are you really that stupid?"
"Excuse me, my brain isn't made for thinking in stressful situations…"
"I'd rather say it really isn't made for thinking at all..."
"Really?" Twilight finally insisted after a second in skeptic confusion.
"I'm pretty good at making random shit up though..."
Steadying himself, John tried taking a rather ghostly tone "What? Are we living in such freedom-less times that the dark void that is the nothing within this tunnel can't have a voice?" he indignantly quizzed, trying to return to the ladder before the train got out of the tunnel.
First interestedly considering the possibility of talking void, Twilight started "Well perhaps…" her sentence was however interrupted by the sudden reappearance of the light, thus revealing John's unsuccessful attempt at running away.
"Well, fuck…"
"Oh… That's kinda what I expected actually…" she disappointedly declared.
"Indeed. And since we already met earlier, I'll lightly take leave and return to my legitimate place of upon the train's roof." John rapidly stuttered, proceeding to jump on the ladder and start hurriedly climbing it.
He was however immediately stopped by the light pull of a magical field "Actually, I still have some questions…" Twilight started.
Before she could say anything else though, John annoyedly uttered "God, why can't people stop bombarding me with questions every time I meet them! That's so fucking annoying!"
"Maybe this Twilight could get closer…" Cosmic Chaos concurrently conspired.
Seeing Twilight's slightly stunned gaze and ignoring Cosmic Chaos incursion, John continued "You know, I can do that too!" he frustratedly exclaimed "Like, who are you? What are you doing here? Where are you going? Why are you going there? Are you alone? Where are your friends? What's your favorite color? How many protons are there in a plutonium atom? What is the seventy-sixth letter of the alphabet? Huh? I bet that's annoying!" he finally finished, frustratedly waving his hands.
"Or, perhaps I could just convince John to…"
As she listened to the whole outburst, an amused frown appeared on Twilight's face as, after a second in her thoughts, she confidently replied "Twilight Sparkle. Traveling in a train. To Canterlot. To talk with Princess Celestia on your subject. Not anymore. In Ponyville. It's confidential. 94. And, what?"
Taking in all the information, John disheartenedly sighed "Oh, so it's just I who can't bear explaining shit… "
"Oh, I know…"
Reassuringly looking John straight in the eyes, Twilight calmly replied "Perhaps. However, now, can you please answer two simple questions? What are you really and how do you know so much?"
After thorough reflection, John answered in the same calm tone "No, I can't."
"I could just…"
"Wait, I know who can though!" he suddenly exclaimed, stuttering Twilight and interrupting Cosmic Chaos' conspiring. "Exactly! Cosmic Chaos, can you please explain that to Twilight instead of plotting against me?"
For a second, all, even the goddess' voice in John's head, remained silent "Alright…" Cosmic Chaos finally agreed.
"It might even give me a chance…"
"Well hello Princess…" she continued, now through John's lips.
"Thank you, now your job just is to not betray me."
Meanwhile, Twilight remained stunned. In fact, John's change of arm and significant augmentation of smoke in the eyes didn't really catch her attention before she heard that voice. So now, eyeing his modified look, she shakenly asked "Uhm… Excuse me, who are you?"
Rapidly, she heard John's normal voice reply "Nope, that wasn't part of the two simple questions so it's out of the contract!"
A second later, the other voice frustratedly sighed "Ugh… He's such an idiot… I'll explain that too."
"Well… Alright then, if you want to."
As a knowing frown appeared on John's controlled face, Cosmic Chaos contemptuously started "You know, this beautiful land of Equestria we all know and love…"
"Love to destroy and torture that is…"
"…actually only is a small part of a much greater whole. To be more precise, it merely is a children's show, a creation of the simple minds of pitiful mortals such as…" she paused, loathingly eyeing Twilight's wings and horn "as none of us two."
"I should really let her talk more often… It'll ease my life so much…" John approvingly mused.
Meanwhile, Cosmic Chaos continued "And so, I…" she paused again, as John's finger raised itself, pointing in the direction of himself "Or rather this idiot, is one of the creatures populating that other world, that also happens to be a fan of the children's show our land actually is part of. Hence, his thorough knowledge of your contemptable lives." she finally finished, leaving Twilight quite astonished.
"Yep, that's what I am." John happily concluded in the meantime "Also, it would be very nice from you if you told that to as many people as you can, so that my life finally becomes slightly easier…" he added, before suddenly changing his mind "Or actually, no. You shouldn't tell anyone else the fact I exist."
Finally taking in the information, Twilight abstained herself from questioning what she just heard any further "And what is the… other you?" she concernedly asked instead.
After a disappointed "Oh… I guess it's still not my turn to talk then…" on John's part, Cosmic Chaos continued "Well, you see, as the powerless worm he is, this mortal has decided that he would try collecting evil artifacts of…"
"No, no, no, you ain't continuing on this route!" John suddenly interrupted.
This interruption was however met with his right arm starting to melt.
"Are you sure about that?"
Wincing in pain, he abruptly changed his mind "After thorough reconsideration, you may continue…" he weekly declared, relievedly sighing as the melting oh his arm ceased and reversed.
Meanwhile, Twilight observed the scene with utter horror "You may stop if you don't want to talk about it!" she assured, worry on her face.
"He wants to, I guarantee you." Cosmic Chaos ruthlessly responded, before continuing her explanations "So, what I wanted to say is that I, am merely one of the artifacts this mortal has gathered. And I can assure that most of them are extremely dangerous."
"No, please, you ain't doing this…"
"So, in my infinite wisdom, I highly recommend you to confiscate the artifacts and put them under guard of your safe royal hooves." she finally concluded, even forcing John to take the Star into his hand, demonstrating it to Twilight in all of its deadly beauty.
John however, wasn't extremely compliant "Don't do that!" he immediately yelled, retracting his arm.
Ignoring his move Cosmic Chaos insisted "Do it!" she commanded, the smoke in John's eyes wildly shifting and increasing.
Before Twilight could take any decision however, the sound of hurried hooves echoed behind the closed door.
With a relieved "Phew…" John immediately jumped onto the ladder, climbing upon the roof once again.
"Argh… Why can't my plans work!" Cosmic Chaos frustratedly roared within John's mind.
Meanwhile, on the platform beneath, the sound of the door's opening was followed with a stern masculine voice "Princess Twilight, your assistance is demanded in the front wagon." it firmly declared.
Coming out of her slight stupor, Twilight rapidly replied "Uhm, yes. Of course, I'm coming."
Giving a last glance to the wagon's roof, the Princess left the train's end, her busy hoofsteps moving away accompanied by the other pony and the door's closing sound.
"Great."
"Argh… Even this narrator is against me now!" Cosmic Chaos finally snapped.
"You, disloyal force of nature. You're even worse than these pitiful mortals! Well, I'll show you what true void is! Get out of here!"
"Wait, what are you d…"
Nothing…
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Expect the Unexpected... Don't Unexpect the Expected Though
Space…
Stars without number, worlds without end…
An endless universe so full of emptiness and yet filled with infinite substance.
All these luminaries, white dots in the unending black, only the smallest fragments of a gigantic whole and yet, immense worlds of their own.
New realms, realities that could never be explored due to their unfathomable remoteness, as in the midst of the cosmic vacuum distance is the only thing that separates you from unimaginable wonders.
But distance at such cosmic scale is the greatest of barriers.
A barrier of nothing…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
It is also space however, that sometimes reserves the greatest and most unexpected of surprises.
As all of a sudden, emerging from an unearthly portal in the midst of the very ambient void, appeared two ships.
These were however not any ships. They were… unusual to say the least even for the standards of the great whole of cosmic navigation.
In fact, one of the ships was entirely made of potatoes and the other of table spoons.
Both maneuvering through the cosmic vacuum with great speed and accuracy, a battle seemed to be occurring between the two.
Once the portal closed, the potato-ship immediately performed a masterful somersault, sturdily stopping and engaging a sophisticated potato-shield that encompassed it in its entirety.
The spoon-ship didn’t have time to maneuver around, ramming into the shield with great force and heavily damaging its outer layer of spoon-plating. It wasn’t defeated however.
Struggling to regain control over its extremely potent spoon-powered engines, it swiftly recovered, making a U-turn and starting to reload to unleash its spoon-missiles upon its potato enemy.
The other ship didn’t have the time to switch its potato-shield to antimissile mode.
Though still powerful in its current configuration, it couldn’t block all the damage. The plating was breached, its crew visibly struggling with the fleeting levels of oxygen.
Meanwhile, the Table Spoons triumphed. Their enemy was defeated and their mission completed.
They were calmly approaching the damaged ship to loot its remains and perhaps take prisoners when, all of a sudden, emerging from a portal much similar to the one that brought the first two here, came another ship.
This one seemed much sturdier, much more advanced. Its sophisticated plating shone in the unnatural light of plasmatic energy. The name UTOP IAN was brightly displayed upon its armored exterior…
In the meantime, in the safe and beautiful land of Equestria, John peacefully slept upon the roof of his train.
Slightly stirring for several minutes, it wasn’t long before the warm rays of the rising Sun forced him to awaken.
"…was good." John mumbled, slowly opening his eyes.
A reply followed in his head "Indeed. This dream really makes me reconsider you as a mortal. You may not be so pitifully useless after all…"
"Yeah, I know…" John responded, groggily stretching "In fact, I think we should reiterate that tonight."
"Of course, my dear…"
After a content "Great." John got up into a sitting position, continuing "So, what's the plan now?" after a small pause, he added "Pff… wait again, I guess…"
This was when he noticed the return of another particular voice in his head "Hey, did you hear that? The narrator's back too!"
Cosmic Chaos didn't seem as impressed "Huh, how was the journey into outer space?" she sarcastically asked.
"Let me guess, immeasurably boring? Well, that's what you deserve…" she erroneously mused a second later, with an internal frown.
"Anyway, you two may exact vengeance upon each other as much as you want, I think there are good news for us all over there in the distance." John intervened, enthusiastically eyeing the slowly approaching rooftops of Canterlot.
"Great. I can already feel my Star approaching…" Cosmic Chaos eagerly declared, shifting her attention away from the enactment of vengeance upon the air.
"And how does it feel?" John curiously asked.
The other didn't seem ready for the question "Uhm…" she started, pensive "I don't know, I guess it feels like… like cheese…"
"…"
In the awkward silence that followed, John finally found the courage to say something "OK. I 'll just say that I didn't ask you this question and ignore your answer. There are clearly things in this universe I'm not meant to understand…"
Cosmic Chaos's response was rather contemptuous "Of course, there are… Ah, these mortals with their infinitely pointless quest for understanding."
Meanwhile, the loud screeching of the trains' breaks filled the air, the ruckus of busy ponies accompanying its unpleasant sound.
Now peeking from his hideout, John worriedly looked down "Fuck, I'm kinda in the middle of town now…"
"Huh, with your amazing stealth skills, it shouldn't be a problem…"
Continuing to worriedly look around, John crawled to the other side of the train, pensively asking "I don't know, in which direction is your Star supposed to be?"
"And how am I supposed to be aware of that?" contemptuously responded the other.
"Well, you kinda said that you feel it ." John insisted, his gaze continuously shifting between the platform below and the numerous busy streets that diverged from it.
"Ugh… When you feel cheese, are you able to determine its location?" Cosmic Chaos continued, interrupting his observation.
After a confused "Uhm…" and several long seconds of silence John finally attempted answering "You know, I don't really feel cheese that often…" he explained, unsure about what he was saying.
"Hey, I'm completely sure of what I'm saying, what are you talking about?!"
"Ugh… Anyway, I don't know where it is! I just feel it's somewhere near us."
"Great." the human frustratedly said, quickly hiding on the roof's middle as some ponies seemed to bring their worried gazes in his direction.
"I mean, if my memories are correct, there should be some sort of backdoor in the castle that leads directly to the royal storage room and…" John started, suddenly interrupted by what could only be the sound of a train's whistle.
"Shit, I need to get off this thing before it gets off to god-knows-where!" he worriedly exclaimed.
"Well, do that instead of worriedly exclaiming that you should do it…"
"That's admittedly a good point." John conceded, hastily jumping off the already moving train.
Landing onto the rails, he tried looking for any suitable form of hiding. There was none however. Instead, a crowd of confused ponies, worriedly eyeing him met his gaze.
"Well, I guess the run-for-your-life option isn't that bad after all…"
"Pff… For-your-life… These are ponies! What are they going to do? Hug you to death?"
Ignoring the remark John bolted through the crowd, forcing it to frightfully split, letting him pass without much problems.
"I don't know!" he exclaimed, taking a sharp turn into what looked like a small alley "Being hugged to death doesn't sound as good as you may think!"
The alley however, turned out to be leading right into the city's main square.
"I really should expect this kind of things by now…"
Suddenly, John noticed something at the end of one of the streets joining the square on its other side.
"What? No, I can't see anything there! Don't make up shit like that."
He noticed a certain door.
"Nah, I still don't see any doors over there. You know, it's not extremely easy to see something through all this smoke in my eyes. Perhaps you could give me slightly more precise indications?"
If John would have turned his head about 30 degrees to the right from where he was currently looking and concentrated on the small alley that branched from the main square, he would have seen what could only be identified as the castle's door he was looking for.
"Firstly, have you forgotten how good I am at telling left from right and shit? And secondly… I would rather identify what you're trying to show me as… a duck."
"Perhaps… I was also thinking that it somewhat resembles a small nebula."
"Yes, I think that's most likely a nebula in form of a duck, nothing special really."
…
But despite all the incorrect theories, the thing John was now looking at was in fact the castle's backdoor.
"Nah, stop with the bullshit, that's just a duck." John idiotically insisted, eyeing the door with contemplation.
"Hey, don't insult me! I may not be the brightest but I know a duck when I…"
All of a sudden, John's idiotic ramblings were interrupted by a severe voice behind his back.
"STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!" cried out a guard captain pony, entering the alley with a small squad.
With a displeased "Fuck." John bolted off right through the middle of the main square, heading towards the nebula duck he had identified earlier.
"OK, it might have been a door, there's no need to send the Royal Guard after me just for making fun of you for a bit!" he exclaimed, plunging into the pony crowd.
Thankfully, most of the ponies preferred keeping their distance with this strange creature running through the city, followed by a group of guards, thus making his progression much easier.
"Ah, so much mortals in the such an orderly place, it would be the perfect moment to play a bit…"
"What? Don't… Or actually, please do whatever you want. The more chaos there is around, the lesser the chance I get caught."
"Huh, thanks for the permission…"
"Not that I really needed one from such a pitiful mortal..."
As John passed near a small vegetable stall, some of its articles suddenly started to move on their own.
"Good. I hope it slows the guards down a bit."
First keeping their normal forms, many quickly grew twisted limbs and jagged teeth, making environing ponies scream and run in terror.
Getting out of the stall, the vegetable monstrosities tried attacking ponies, provoking even more panic than John's initial appearance, thus forcing some of the guards to deal with them.
"Great." John mumbled, approaching the nebula duck .
"Shut up, I get it's a door…"
"Well, I'd say that these mortals should perhaps stop creating entrances so much alike to nebula ducks."
"Ugh… and you're at it too now." he frustratedly sighed, hopefully eyeing the duck nonetheless "Let's just hope it's not closed."
Approaching the duck at great speed, John hastily attempted to push its surface, in hope for it to open.
"And… Let me guess, it didn't?"
And his hopes were correct since the panels immediately swung open, easily letting him in.
"Oh, that's… cool I guess…"
Bolting inside, he looked around in relief. This relief was however, rapidly set aside by the noise of the guards' rapid approach.
"Ah… The Star is so close… I feel it…" Cosmic Chaos ecstatically exclaimed once John got inside.
"Yeah, but to get to it, I first need to get past this Grandfather Clock over there." John much less ecstatically sighed, pensively eyeing the latter before unsurely heading towards it.
"Well, this doesn't sound like a very potent enemy."
"You underestimate my weakness." he replied, putting all of his unimpressive strength into trying to push the clock aside, but to no avail.
Behind the door, the sound of the guard captain's orders already resonated with great intensity. They were preparing a battle plan.
"A battle plan against me? That's just stupid. I feel honored!" John sneered, putting his back against the clock to try catching his breath.
It was then, that the clock fell.
"What?"
Fell onto John.
"No! Don't kill me with a clock, that's like the least impressive death in existence!" he exclaimed, barely dodging it.
"You did get past it though. I think it's quite an impressive achievement for such powerless creature as you." Cosmic Chaos sneeringly congratulated him.
Then, she added "Now, get in and fast!"
Clumsily jumping over the fallen clock and entering the room that opened behind, John sourly declared "Yep. And let's hope I have the time to get the Star before these guards come down there…"
Observing the large storage hall around him, John mused "Wow, that's a lot of wooden crates and barrels… I really wonder what they keep inside…
"And it's a secret room too so, it's probably something… secret." he continued, going past rows and rows of diverse storage furniture.
Taking a stop, he observed the different containers with interest "I mean, this one is obviously Cider. That's some cake ingredients and… Well I rather wouldn't talk about what's in that one…"
His reflection however, was briskly interrupted by a rather upset Cosmic Chaos "Shut up and move!"
Slightly startled by the yell, he swiftly obeyed, resuming to walk across the chamber "You're right. Anyway, this big-ass richly decorated magical door should probably be the entrance to the even more secret section of the already secret storage room I'm in.
"Yeah, they clearly had a net decrease in terms of discretion with the conception of this one…" he finally sighed nearing the enormous entrance without much hope.
"Then it must have pretty solid locks at least." he mused, still holding a hesitant hand out. As he skeptically pushed its bejeweled surface however, the door immediately opened.
"What? Even this thing isn't closed? Like, who designed this place? A cat?" he confusedly exclaimed immediately after.
"Like, for the moment, the toughest obstacle to overcome was a clock! I'm really starting to lose hope in humanity… No, not in humanity, in ponykind. And humanity too…" he concluded with a confused sigh.
As he peaked inside with a mix of worry and eagerness, the sight of many stalls, boxes and chests met his eyes. Most displayed different variations of the DON'T TOUCH THIS sign on their surface, ranging from the basic inscription to an actual pony skull.
Despite the unwelcoming look of the place however, John's eyes quickly filled with childish excitement.
After a quick glance around, he immediately rushed to one of the stalls "Oh my god, is this Celestia's Holy Hand Grenade? That's amazing!" he exclaimed, immediately grabbing the hollowed explosive "Wow, and they even got the instructions!"
"And Celestia spake, saying, First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three… "
"Hey, can you stop reading stolen jokes and get on with finding what we actually came here for?" Cosmic Chaos rudely remarked, interrupting John's dramatic reading.
"I mean, you do realize you still have a squad of guards looking for you right now, right?"
"Ugh, fine… I'm keeping the Grenade though, it may actually be useful at some point…" John finally conceded, hearing the vague sounds of movement somewhere in behind him.
Backing off from the Grenade's stall, John contemplatively looked around, determination filling his gaze.
This determination was however quickly tainted as, with another childish "Oh my god! What's that thing over there!" John rushed towards a life-size plush of Princess Celestia.
"That's fucking amazing! I'm taking it with me!" he excitedly exclaimed, immediately giving the thing a warm hug.
"And how exactly?" Cosmic Chaos skeptically asked, her voice containing the complete opposite of John's current emotions.
"I don't care! I just need this thing!" John grumpily retorted, stroking the plush's mane.
A second later however, his excitement faded slightly. "Wait a minute, this place is like the most secret storage room where are stored all the most dangerous artifacts of all Equestria… So, this probably isn't just a plush…" he worriedly concluded, backing away from it "Yeah, whatever it is, I should probably leave it here…"
"Wait, now you're getting me interested in it…"
"Yeah, it's pretty intriguing indeed." John sighed giving the plush one last look before returning to his search "Anyway, I think your Star should be in that spooky rusty old chest over there. I mean, most things in here are stored like this but I think I remember this one in particular."
"Yes, I feel its aura. You're right." Cosmic Chaos immediately confirmed as the chest appeared in John's field of vision.
"Great. So, the only problem I see now is that it's closed. Actually, not only that, they've got that huge DO NOT THOUCH THIS! sign on it! Like, how am I supposed to lockpick it without touching it? That's impossible."
"You won't need to… " the other reassured, before suddenly adding "Metal is nothing but a strengthened form of… cheese. "
After a short second of confused silence, John wincingly remarked "I really feel like your comparisons start to make less and less sense with time…"
The other didn't seem to appreciate it though "Well I feel like your idiotic existence is an insult to the very fabric of reality and that you are more of a mistake than the creation of mortal life itself. And yet, I'm not telling it to you. That's called being polite." she indignantly announced.
"Well, you just did it tell it to me…" John added with a small smirk.
"Shut up… "
As a slight chuckle escaped him, John decided to move on "Yeah, so, back to the chest." he swiftly declared, bringing his gaze to the latter.
"Of course." At these words, an arcane surge of pure mana emerged from the center of the Fallen Star upon John's neck, striking the chest's lock.
Despite the magnificent display however, the lock's metal didn't melt…
"Well, that's unfortunate."
…It evaporated.
"Oh, I retract my previous statement… Does cheese evaporate though?"
"Well, perhaps not, but locks do. And so will you, if you won't get that Star in the next three seconds!"
"Yeah, but there's still the sign. Like, I can't just break the rules and touch it. What would it make me, some kind of sick outlaw?" John unsurely argued with a wince.
The chest instantly turned to a burnt crust, the sign covering it not only disappearing, but fading out of existence with such force that permanently warped reality around where its once was "Do you really need any more illustrations of what will happen to you if you don't immediately stop being stupid?"
"Right, right, right! I'm getting it!" John immediately exclaimed, rushing towards the scorched chest. Hastily examining its ruined remains, he quickly discovered what he sought.
Not daring to disobey once more, he grabbed the Fallen Star without further ado, immediately putting in upon his neck and over the rest of his artifacts.
As he did however, a strange sensation overwhelmed him.
"Hahaha! You're all mine now!" Cosmic Chaos roared through John's lungs, feeling a great surge in her power.
"No, I'm not." apathetically responded the other "Why did I expect this…"
"With two Stars now in my control, my power should be more than enough to subdue this pitiful mortal! I always knew I could count on his foolishness! I'm finally free! Now nothing can stop…" Cosmic Chaos theatrically started before suddenly being interrupted by a —still unimpressed— John "Sorry for interrupting your villain monologue —that I completely get is extremely important and close to your heart— but… Well, I'm still here. It didn't work."
This was followed by a heated breakdown "What? That's just completely illogical! I'm a cosmic deity of infinite power and you are… well you are yourself! How is it possible that your mortally weak psyche can resist to my immeasurable might?"
To which John simply replied with a "Well, I don't know. I didn't write this." before letting escape a small sigh and adding "Yeah, and please come back to talking in my mind now."
After a grief-filled second Cosmic Chaos finally conceded "Argh, know that I still don't trust you then."
"Pff… Well then, next is the long trip to the Crystal Empire, I guess." John sighed once more.
"We still aren't done here though." he finally concluded, heading back to the giant exit door.
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
The Princess Isn't in Another Castle... We Don't Need the Princess Though
Nonchalantly walking through the cluttered storage room, John carefully looked around.
"Yep, I'm getting out of here." he concluded after noticing that several of the stored artifacts have somehow changed their position since he entered the room, one of these being the Celestia plush.
"This place's probably way more dangerous than any of the Royal Guards…" he mused, worriedly staring at the plush for several more seconds.
"And by the way, where the fuck are they? They had plenty of time to find me down here already!"
"I think that we've already well established that they're stupid, no need to emphasize that anymore. And then, isn't this a good thing? Do you really want to have to deal with an actually well trained and organized military? I highly doubt you'd be able to…"
"…"
After a small second considering this argument, John unhappily pleaded "Stop making good points, you're making me sound even more stupid than I already am…"
Continuing to walk nonetheless, he swiftly reached the door, peaking behind it to once again discover the complete absence of any Royal Guards.
"That's weird…" he mumbled, taking a contemplative step back. As he did however, the grand door separating him from freedom suddenly slammed shut.
"Oh, great." John indifferently sighed, trying to push it open again "I mean, it wasn't locked when I entered, why would it be locked now?"
It was however. Despite all of his attempts at both pushing and pulling the door was no longer compliant to open.
After a confused "Well, fuck." John turned around to look at the room behind him once more. It remained almost unchanged, the sole difference being the strange proximity of the Celestia Plush that seemed to have moved even closer.
"I don't like this…" John mumbled, his confusion turning to worry "Hey, Cosmic Chaos may you please get me out of here?"
"Pff… You should learn to get out of these situations by yourself. You know I'm no portable lockpicking kit."
"Ugh… Like can't you just help me instead of being a dick like that? I've just done you a great service by finding this Star and you can't even open a door for me?" John asked, indignance in his voice.
"Yes, exactly." Cosmic Chaos immediately confirmed.
"This is sad." John sighed once more "I don't wanna die, locked here, killed by some weird cursed plush just because my portable cosmic deity doesn't want to help me open a door!"
"Well, with this attitude, I'm surely not doing anything for you."
After another woeful "Ugh" John suddenly had an idea "Hey, thank you narrator for giving me ideas like that!" he exclaimed, immediately forgetting what he just thought of.
"Fuck…"
"Wait, I've still got the Holy Hand Grenade though! That has to be my chance!"
Taking the hallowed explosive out of his pocket, he turned his gaze to the door.
"I guess I just need to be able to count up to three…"
Taking its pin out, he raised the thing, preparing to throw it right at the door.
"One… Two… Three!" as the countdown was complete, John flung the grenade forward, but with slightly more force than necessary, making it immediately bounce back to be right in front of him.
"This was predictable…"
With a terrified "Fuck." John immediately picked up the explosive, preparing to through it back at the door "Wait, do I need to count to three again?" he suddenly wondered, stopping.
Before he found the answer however a soft yet surprisingly firm hit from something behind him, knocked the Grenade out of his hand, making it land somewhere in the shadowy room. After a confusion-filled second as John wondered what was about to happen, the sound of its holy explosion filled the air along with flaming debris.
"Well, I guess I didn't need to count then." he concluded before being forced to the ground by the blast of the explosion.
"Well, I guess I should probably prevent you from dying…" Cosmic Chaos remarked, as several scorched planks followed the shockwave in its effort to knock John down.
Struggling to remain conscious, John suddenly felt soothed and protected "Thanks…" he weakly mumbled before fading to darkness.
"Huh… Guess I'm alone now… Time to act…"
"5…4…3…2…1 LAUNCH! "
What? What's all that sound from?
"Initializing of the takeoff engines! "
Take what off? What?
And why am I in a room full of tops with all this scientific shit and these old-ass computers?
And everything's made of tops, including the tops themselves…
Oh, and what the fuck is that thing?
"S topilizing systems engaged! Astro tops crew at their positions! "
Why? Why is there a giant top with giant flaming engines at its bottom flying through the sky?
Are these the lyrics for a new Queen song?
"Preparing for traversal of the Kár tóp line! "
Well, never thought I'd live to a day where tops achieved a space program.
It's truly beautiful how fast progress moves along…
"Astro tops to Utopia! Astro tops to U topia! MAYDAY! MAYDAY! WE HAVE A PROBLEM! "
"Oxygen levels critical! MAYDAY! Evacuation procedure engaged! "
Wow. Beautiful. And now that big-ass space ship blew up…
Even the explosion is top-shaped…
"Mr Des top! We lost contact! "
"No! They can't!... "
Well, I guess they all died. Fuck, it's hard to feel bad for fucking tops…
"Their sacrifice won't be vane. Because, indeed, despite these a topcious circumstances, I declare this mission a national success! "
Wow, that's crude. Like at least give it a minute of silence or something…
I mean, no one in their sane mind could react that crudely… Oh my god… Such unrealism is making me think that… Yeah, this may be a dream.
"And so, as Great Des top of U topia. I declare this day as the day when the first top was sent to space and thus, a new national holyday! "
Nah, they all died! You can't just forget about that!
"Eliminate all dissidents. "
What? No! Don't kill me! I'm not even a top! Why the fuck is this even happening! Stop !
Shifting, John slowly opened his eyes, his mind reluctantly returning to reality.
"Huh, you're back I see…"
As he did however, what met his sight wasn't really reassuring. Indeed, encircling him completely stood a bunch of confused yet stern Royal Guards, eyeing him with curious caution.
"Oh… I think I like this even less than the tops..."
"Cosmic Chaos? Maybe now you've got enough power to teleport me out of here?" he worriedly mused, concurrently wondering whether moving any further was a good idea.
"Perhaps, but it wouldn't be fun, would it?" the other responded, visibly disinterested in his current position.
"Well, I'd say not dying and remaining rather free sounds pretty fun to me, you know?" John argued, settling on remaining still and putting all efforts into not catching the guards' attention more than necessary.
Meanwhile Cosmic Chaos indifferently responded "I don't know… What if you finally tried dealing with something by yourself for a change or at least asked me for something slightly more entertaining, wouldn't that be nice?"
"And what if I didn't?"
"I guess then, we'd finally discover how unskilled these Royal Guards truly are…"
"Wait, that's a point." John suddenly realized, rapidly dropping all his caution to get up and attempt fleeing right through the guards, but sadly being stopped by the sharp tip of a Royal spear.
Fearfully backing off, he hurriedly conceded "Fine. What if you… reversed gravity in this room for everyone except me?"
"That's slightly more interesting… Not cruel enough for my taste though. Try again." the other responded, still unimpressed.
So, John tried again "OK… Uhm… What if you transformed them into potatoes?"
"That's just stupid."
However, as he continued attempting to come up with creative ways to get rid of the guards, one of them suddenly spoke "It may be trying to escape. We need to call reinforcements. We witnessed it being capable of terrible magic… earlier."
"Can you make their skin melt off?"
"Ah, that's much better…"
After a second however, John changed his mind "Wait, no. Actually, I don't wanna witness a bunch of skinless ponies convulse in excruciating pain. That's way too dark for my stupid brain. I need to think for a bit longer."
"Ugh… I almost though you weren't completely boring for a second…"
Then, an amazing idea came to his mind "OK. Then" he started a new spark within his eyes "could you please teleport each of them to random locations outside the castle ranging from 100 feet in the air to under the ground so that no one knows whether they died or survived and most importantly so that I don't have to witness their hypothetic death while still having this terrible crime on my conscience for the rest of my life?"
This idea wasn't met with much more praise though "That's just too complicated." Cosmic Chaos immediately dismissed.
"Fine then, can you give me a fork?" John conceded visibly running out of decent ideas.
"A what?"
"Just me a fork, don't question it." he insisted an eager smirk appearing on his face.
"OK, I guess…" the other agreed after a second of considering how a fork could possibly be of whatever use in the current situation.
As the fork appeared in John's hand however, he immediately raised it into the air, making all the guards observe it in terror "PITIFUL MORTALS!" he theatrically cried out "I HAVE THE POWER TO ANNIHIALATE THIS UNIVERSE AT THIS VERY SECOND IF YOU DON'T STEP BACK!"
Startled by the sudden outburst, the guards eyed John with confused worry, some of them slowly starting to move away.
Now wildly moving his hands around him in irregular circular movements John wielded his fork as a wand, writing incomprehensible incantations in the air "NOW BOW BEFORE THE POWER OF MY FORK OR DIE AS THE COWARDS YOU ARE!" he finally exclaimed, rushing right through the broken formation of disturbed guards, forcing them to step aside even further in complete terror.
After a second in silence, another booming shout shook the room "NO! Don't let him escape!" finally exclaimed one of guards, snapping out of stupor.
It was too late however as meanwhile, John was already hurriedly scuttling among the castle's halls with content chuckles, the frightened group of guards far behind his back.
"And that is how you defeat the Royal Guard with a fork." he triumphantly declared, after making sure no one was around.
"You didn't really need the fork though, did you?" Cosmic Chaos much less triumphantly asked.
"Yeah, it was mostly here for the surprise effect. But then, I also think this sounded much better with it." John responded, turning a corner.
Suddenly, the sound of wings cutting the air appeared from behind.
"Fuck, I still need to hide now..." John mumbled, noticing a marble pillar and hurriedly getting behind it.
A second later, a whole pegasus squad passed nearby, scanning the surroundings with their stern gazes. Not all were so stern though, as slight panic could be noticed in the eyes of several of them.
"You can't say I'm bad at dealing with shit by myself now, huh?" John sneered as the ponies' figures disappeared further down the hall.
"I can. No normal being, not even a mortal could have reacted to a man holding a fork in such… immoderate manner. You've definitely been helped by some plot magic as you call it."
"Yeah, yeah, you're just jealous of my amazing skills at creating stupid shitty-ass plans that somehow work!" he argued with indignance.
"Yeah, you might be right about this one…" the other conceded after a small second in silence.
"So, what's the plan now, then?" John finally wondered, as he peeked from behind his pillar before slowly starting to walk down the hall.
The answer he received was however not what he would have hoped for "Oh, I don't know." Cosmic Chaos sneeringly started "It's not like I can read your mind, your thoughts and your memories, seeing that you wanted to look for that changeling amulet the solar abomination that calls herself ruler of this land sometimes uses to spy on her subjects without bringing up more suspicions than her ungrounded reign already spawns."
Unhappily sighing John continued walking down the hall before stopping at a small intersection "Yeah, you're right…" he conceded after a small pause "but saying it this way was probably extremely unnecessary."
"What? You're not the only one who has the right to spew out exposition in the most unrealistic way possible!" Cosmic Chaos indignantly retorted as John took his time to carefully choose his path.
After finally deciding to turn right due to the visible approach of a guard patrols from every other direction John feebly protested "I would have loved to contradict you on this, but I also appreciate avoiding searing pain induced by magical torture so… Alright."
Now walking down a new and completely identical hallway, a resolute frown upon his face, John contemplatively declared "I just need to find the Princesses' room then. Should be easy."
Cosmic Chaos however, didn't seem to agree with this last statement "Find something. An action that requires a minimum of orientation skills that you manifestly don't possess. I wouldn't be so sure about this being easy… And it honestly already looks like you're lost"
After bolting to hide behind a pillar to avoid being seen by a busy butler pony, John protested "Hey, I might be bad at finding stuff, but you aren't." after seeing the pony worriedly turning his ear however, he quickly shut up, waiting for him to go away before talking again "So, help instead of telling me I'm going to fail!"
The other sounded offended "Because you expect me to have any knowledge whatsoever about a place such pitiful as the home of the fake rulers of this land? Why would I? It insults me to even have you think about such things…"
Resuming to walk down the hallway with much less confidence than several minutes ago John unhappily sighed "Well, I guess we're fucked then, I don't know…"
"You are." Cosmic Chaos immediately corrected "I don't take any interest in your useless attempts at achieving greatness."
Now scanning the hallway around him with rising perplexity John finally conceded "OK then, could you at least confirm I'm currently going in circles?"
"I don't think you need any more confirmation of that than you already have…"
"Narrator? Perhaps you could actually have something useful to say for once?"
…
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
As John was complaining about the air's lack of assistance however, he heard worried talk resounding from somewhere behind him "So you're saying that we're being attacked?" said a familiar voice, the castle's acoustics making it boom through the hall as if it was coming from all directions at once.
"Wait, that may actually be useful. Thanks! Sometimes insulting you is all it takes to get some actual information." John exclaimed as he heard the voice, nearly catching its owner's attention.
"Fuck, I need to hide too." he hastily added, worriedly looking around and discovering the utter lack of marble pillars to use as cover in the surroundings "Ugh, I'll go for those curtains instead…"
Just a second after John moved out of plain sight Celestia herself appeared from behind a corner, accompanied by a rather panicked guard "Yes Princess, it truly was a horrifying creature…" the guard started, worriedly glancing around.
"Hey, I don't usually mind criticism" John suddenly exclaimed from behind his curtain "but calling me a horrifying creature ? Like, that's clearly an overstatement!" he indignantly added, interrupting the guard and making him hide behind Celestia's back in utter terror.
"It-It's there!" the guard shakily stuttered, too scared to even flee.
"Great. What's your plan now?"
"I may have none… But then, you know, you're not the only one allowed to overreact to fair criticism!"
"Well then, deal with it."
"Yep, that's exactly what I was about to do anyway… I mean, I can do it, it's not that hard… I hope."
While John got distracted by his internal argument, Celestia didn't waste any time wondering. Instead, she immediately removed the curtain John was hiding behind, charging up a magical blast in case of any hostility. Meanwhile, as the human snapped out of his stupor, all he saw was her stern gaze, observing him from a safe distance.
Not spending any more time in this standoff, he immediately bolted in a random direction.
As he saw John running away the guard regained some of his confidence "Hah! Not so brave when facing the Princess!" he mockingly exclaimed.
An annoyed "Shut up! I'm not running away! It's all part of my master plan!" was the only response he got, which still forced him to unwillingly shudder.
The corridor John ran through seemed different this time "Which honestly already is great progress…"
In fact, its walls now had doorways in them from time to time.
"Oh fuck, no, not doors! This means I have to choose where to go!" John annoyedly exclaimed, stopping in the middle of the hallway anyway "It's like deciding how to avoid the main path of a dungeon in an RPG to get the most loot! I never… or rather always get the right one… I mean, the wrong one... Well, you get the point... So, god, I hate choosing between doors!"
Taking a panoramic glance around, John got the real scale of the door problem he was facing "Oh, fuck, this was already pretty bad without all these possibly branching paths! But now… hell, what is this torture?!"
"More like doorture am I right?"
"Please don't try making jokes. We need at least one sane person in this group of one."
"Yeah, I honestly don't even know what got me, I'm already regretting saying that… Being in your mind is probably starting to have some unhealthy consequences…"
"Right."
As John observed the nearest door with great perplexity, he suddenly heard a snoring sound coming from somewhere nearby.
"What? No not again! Why can't ponies finally leave me alone for fuck's sake!" he mutedly exclaimed, immediately entering the first door he saw.
"Well, you are kind of invading their private property right now so, you really are the only one to blame."
"Uhm… You know what?… Hippity hoppity, this now is my property! You can't say anything against this, huh?"
"I highly doubt this would be a valid argument in court…"
All of a sudden John heard a sound that manifestly came from somewhere within the dark room he now stood in.
"Uhm… OK, so, I think that's the part I'm supposed to say Hello? and get scared to death by a nightmarish monster that was obviously hiding in this random room of the castle for some godforsaken reason, except I'm not actually doing that…" John started, staring into the black before him with high expectations.
Before he could continue his speech however, Cosmic Chaos swiftly interrupted him "Yes, instead you waste your time considering the potential danger that may lie within this room while making no actions whatsoever to prevent it from affecting you and thus putting us both into hypothetic danger."
"Yeah, I'll just go away." he concluded, giving the darkness a last glance of disapprobation and immediately exiting the room.
Once outside, he heard the snoring sound repeat.
"Pff… Is there a place in this world where nothing is trying to either kill me or interact with me in a somehow social manner?" he immediately snapped.
"You know, for the moment, I don't see any ground for you to think these snores are coming from something interested in doing either of these. So, please stop needlessly complaining. Your non-needless complaining already is more than enough most of the time…"
With a small sigh and a determined "Right." John took a step back from the wall, observing the many possibilities that opened before him.
"Well, I think I already explored one door out of… a lot. So, that's an advancement, I guess…" he declared contemplatively rubbing the back of his head.
All of a sudden, as yet another snore resounded through the air, John alertly jerked his head in its direction, finally being able to identify its origin.
"Oh, it's just a guard… Nothing unexpected here…" he stated, eyeing the snoring earth pony pushed against one of the neighboring doors, his helmet and spear messily lying on the ground.
"Wait a minute, I've got an idea!" John suddenly exclaimed, immediately realizing screaming probably wasn't the best thing to do in the current position.
"Yeah…"
Carefully approaching the guard, he hid behind one of the adjacent pillars, trying to remain unnoticed but also audible from his hideout.
"PRIVATE? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he swiftly yelled, taking the most severe tone he could master.
As the booming shout resounded through the air, the sleepy pony immediately awoke from his slumber, confusedly attempting to steady himself and pick up his fallen helmet.
"N-nothing Sir!" he responded after several panicked seconds of looking around in search of the one who called him.
"THINK AGAIN, PRIVATE!" John immediately insisted once the other finally found the strength to respond.
"S-sleeping S-Sir…" the guiltily pony admitted after another second of panicked observation of his surroundings.
"AND WHAT WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO PRIVATE?"
"G-guard th-the gates to-to guest room 237 Sir!" the pony immediately stuttered, finally taking the most military stance he could currently master.
"EXACTLY! SO NEXT TIME YOU ARE GIVEN ORDERS IT'S IN YOUR INTEREST TO OBEY THEM OR ELSE I MAY NOT BE SO GENTLE! UNDERSTOOD?!"
"S-Sir, of course, Sir!"
Ceasing to outrageously yell but still maintaining his voice at the intensity of a shout, John then continued "Besides, may I ask you a question, private?"
"Sir, yes, sir!" the other shakenly replied, completely loosing hope to ever identifying his supposed superior's location.
Confidence in his voice gradually fading, John asked the question "Where would the Princesses' room be… uhm… and… uhm… what would be the fastest route to reach it from here?"
At first somewhat surprised by the question, the guard quickly decided not to think about it for much longer in fear of the consequences "Uh… It would be the third turn down the hall over there…" he started, pointing a shaken hoof towards where John arrived from.
"Oh, so that's where I'm coming from…"
Then, slightly less confidently continued "Then, I guess it would be the second turn to the right and the fourth to the left after that…"
Hearing a content "Huh…" from John, the guard regained some confidence to ask what had troubled him from the very beginning of this conversation "Uhm… S-Sergeant, could I please know where exactly are you right now?" he stuttered with great uncertainty about the consequences of what he just said.
John however, immediately responded "AM I ASKING YOU STUPID QUESTIONS LIKE THAT, PRIVATE?" he screamed at the top of his lungs, making the pony cower, realizing how unnecessary this information really was.
After a small while, all he could master was a weak "No…" that was immediately followed by John's heated response "EXACTLY! SO, GUARD THAT DOOR AND DON'T YOU DARE SLEEPING DURING YOUR SERVICE EVER AGAIN!"
The guard now sternly standing at his position, John slowly moved away with muted chuckles…
"I would have been tempted to once again comment on the immeasurable weakness of mortal minds, but even I am starting to feel like it's becoming slightly repetitive at this point..."
"Well I would be tempted to reiterate how stupid these Royal Guards really are, except I'll actually it because, fuck, they're stupid! Oh my god!" John internally declared before giving another quick glance to the guard he left behind, suddenly noticing one of the doors adjacent to him budge.
"What? I didn't notice that. But thanks for telling me anyway I guess." he continued stopping for a second to observe the movement.
"Wait, that's the door I tried hiding behind! See, I was right about there being something inside!" he triumphantly mused as, proving his point, from behind it emerged a rather tired Princess Luna.
"Fuck, I'm getting out of here." was John's immediate reaction, as he noticed the Princess groggily rub her eyes with her hooves.
Not wasting any more time, he immediately bolted in the rough direction the guard told him earlier.
"Hey narrator!" he called out on his course "You know, now would be a nice time for a time skip! Cause right now, you're either going to be extremely amazed of how fast I got to the Princess Room or, much more likely, you'll just need to describe how lost I am for the next three and a half hours, so…"
And so, John continued running in circles for the next three and a half hours.
"Fuck, I think that's finally it." John tiredly exclaimed, entering yet another room.
"You've been saying that after entering every single room for the last three hours…"
"Perhaps. But since the narrator is only supposed to come back when I finally find the one, to him it may actually sound like I have any vague idea of what I'm doing."
"You don't, though."
"Shut up! I do." John immediately retorted "Wait, that's the narrator I'm hearing! I was finally right this time!... I mean… First try baby! "
After a small chuckle, Cosmic Chaos declared "Yeah, it only took you three hours of mindless running, alerting the guards at least fifteen times, almost getting obliterated by both Luna and Celestia, and finally getting stuck in a potted plant… Truly amazing performance."
"We won't talk about that." John cut, suddenly extremely serious.
"Now get what you're here for at least… I hope it was worth it…"
"Well, I can already absolutely assure you that it was absolutely not worth it, but I'm excited about getting a new trinket anyway!" he exclaimed, giving the cozy living room before him a cheerful glance.
"Well, at least, I can't say you deceived my expectations due to them being nonexistent…"
And so, confident and proud of his achievement…
"What? Finding something in this fucking place already is a pretty great achievement to be proud of!"
…John determinedly walked towards one of the large cabinets that stood by both sides of a comfortable armchair visibly used for reading due to the presence of a lamp on the small besides table next to it.
"Did you just describe like half the furniture in this room by saying I walked up to a cabinet? That's stupid!" he confusedly exclaimed, concurrently heading right for the small ornate blackish box with visible changeling imagery engraved into its sides.
"Anyway, so, this thing's supposed to turn me into a pony…" he explained to no one in particular, as every single of the one person in the room already knew what this artifact was used for.
After an unhappy sigh visibly cause by the voice in his head, he took the box from its place on the shelf, slowly opening it.
"Wow. It's yet another shiny amulet like every single other artifact in this fucking country… I mean, I already knew that, but it still sucks." he sourly declared, moving the box a bit to see the Sun's light reflect on its shiny metal.
"Cause, you know, my neck probably has limited weight capacity so it'd be nice if they varied a little…"
Now taking the new Amulet out of its container with his right hand, he immediately tossed its box away without giving it a second thought "What? I don't need a nice box, that's useless!"
"Besides, it'd probably be a good idea to put this thing on just to look at least slightly less like a monster to every other living thing in this world." he reluctantly declared eyeing the amulet with contemplation.
"Don't really like the idea though… Never liked transformation fics…"
As he reflected on the matter however, a loud clutter of hooves and armor in the neighboring hallways quickly made him take a decision.
"Ok, it's pony time then." John sighed, finally putting the Changeling Amulet onto his neck.
View Online
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
A Changeling Can Change... But Can a Changing Changeling's Change Change the Unchangeability of a Unchanged Changeling
And so, still standing next to a tidy cabinet, yet another accursed artifact added to the impressive collection he already had hanging on his neck, was John, nervously waiting for something to happen.
And it did.
"Great. Love it when things happen."
As, almost immediately after he had put on the Changeling Amulet, John saw himself overtaken by a surge of green flames.
"Wow! Some flames for a change from the usual smoke! Amazing!" he unexcitedly exclaimed.
His non-excitement didn't last very long however, as once the flames have overhauled him in his entirety, he felt something change.
"Well, that's pretty fitting for a changeling artifact…"
To be more precise, as his vision returned to normal —as normal as the vision of someone with smoke covering most of his eyes could get that is— John discovered that he was now a changeling.
"Oh."
And it was at this very second, that several furious Royal Guards rushed into the room.
"Ah, I knew it was a changeling!" cried out one of them, discovering John's new form "Such a horrid creature couldn't have been something natural…"
"Well, it seems your plan failed."
"Thanks for pointing that out, I really wouldn't be sure otherwise…"
"You're welcome."
While John confusedly stood in the middle of the room, the guards didn't waste their time, rushing towards him, spears ready to strike.
Still slightly stunned by the transformation and trying to adapt to his new form John sighed "Great, now instead of an unknown creature everyone's kinda afraid of, I'm just one of these generic enemies these guards probably fought… at least once I guess…"
"And that's not even how this thing's supposed to work but... Argh... Fuck off... I should really get used to this shit at this point..."
As he saw the spears trying to impale him though, the melancholy that suddenly emerged in his mind immediately disappeared, making him clumsily attempt running away.
"Fuck, not only is this body extremely stupid and unusual, its center of gravity is even worst for all these Amulets and shit…" he mused, stumbling and almost falling to the ground.
"Well, at least I can fly… I guess." he remembered, feeling the new pair of wings on his chitinous back.
"Oh, and there's a balcony there. Perfect!" he finally realized, rushing towards the latter with all of his lacking agency.
As a spear almost poked him, thankfully passing through one of the holes on his legs…
"Fuck, that's gross…"
…John reached the outside, promptly jumping off the balcony's railing.
And then, he fell.
"No! How do these stupid wings work!" he cried out, seeing the ground quickly getting closer.
"Ugh… Well, time for me to save the day once again…" exasperatedly enounced a voice from within John's mind.
At this very second, as if sprouting from an unholy seed, on the wall of Canterlot Castle, grew a gigantic tentacle, swiftly grabbing John before he reached the ground and softly depositing him on it instead.
"OK, for the moment I'll simply thank you for saving my live and not talk about how useful this kind of things would have been in most situations before that without forgetting how terrifying it was… But we will talk about it later." John shakenly assured before suddenly noticing several royal guard pegasi still followed him, and swiftly rushing into a random direction.
Thankfully, in addition to them being quite surprised by the appearance of the tentacle, the thing almost immediately started attacking them, even knocking one right out of the sky.
Meanwhile, John ran. Not very fast and not very confidently, but he did his best.
"Exactly, and that's what matters!"
Then he stumbled off a small ledge and fell into a bush.
"Fuck. Talked too soon." he mumbled, as the spiky branches tried jabbing his rigid changeling chitin.
"Wait, that's actually not bad! I'm not in terrible pain!"
"Quick, don't let him get away!" he immediately heard some guards shouting. However, they seemed quite preoccupied by fighting the tentacle and only a couple of them actually rushed to his search.
"Fuck, it's hard to be a pony… Not even a pony actually, a Changeling… And one that can't even fly that is." John grumbled, in the meantime, struggling to get upright in his bush.
"Wait a minute… Changelings can do magic, right?" he mused, attempting to look at the horn that now crowned the top of his head without much success "I mean, with the amount of enchanted shit I've got on me I think even a changeling's magic should be enough to destroy the universe… Or at least to shoot some lasers, I don't know…" he excitedly added.
"Hah, it would be hilarious to see you capable of something more than… No, just of something actually, that'd already be pretty impressive." Cosmic Chaos mockingly remarked as the idea crossed John's mind.
"Well, we'll see!" he shrugged, suddenly pausing "Wait, and how am I supposed to activate it?" he then asked, slightly disappointed by the fact nothing was happening with the horn.
"And how would I know?"
After several more unsuccessful attempts at using magic, John decided that giving up was the most reasonable option "Well, guess this Amulet's completely useless then…" he finally sighed, struggling to bend his neck in a way that allowed him to see the trinkets that hang on it "There's no need to keep it on."
With these words, John removed the Amulet... Or rather that would have been his actions if he didn't run into an unexpected problem "Fuck! How am I supposed to grab things with hooves?!" he immediately exclaimed, repeatedly hammering the Amulet with a hoof in unfruitful attempts to remove it.
After taking a deep breath and calming down a bit, he hopefully asked "Uhm… Cosmic Chaos? Maybe you could help me with that?"
"No. At least now your form better corresponds to what you truly are: a mere insect."
"…"
After promptly ignoring that last sentence, John decided to postpone the Fuck I don't wanna stay like that! freak-out for the moment.
And as he did, he suddenly saw something else stuck in his bush. It was some kind of paper. Struggling to grasp it by using both of his front hooves at the same time, it took him several seconds to get a hold of the thing.
"Oh, it's a newsletter." he observed, finally managing to put it somewhat in front of his face "And… Well fuck…"
"Seems, I'm famous now…" John unhappily concluded, after giving the front page a quick read.
"Way more than you deserve to be…" Cosmic Chaos sneeringly added, with a small chuckle.
"It's probably better I don't look like myself right now then… It could have been problematic otherwise…" he unhappily remarked, still failing to look at the Amulets on his neck "I mean, it's still problematic that I look like a fucking changeling, but that at least somewhat resembles a pony…"
Suddenly, an idea came to his mind "Well, that's exactly what I was about to say."
"Hey, Cosmic Chaos, since you can make giant fucking tentacles grow out of walls and shit, it probably shouldn't be a problem for you to transform me into a pony by now." John hopefully suggested, attempting to scratch his back but being blocked by his quadrupedal state "Like, I've even got the rough form of it already."
"But why would I do that?" the other indifferently reacted.
"Yeah, that's what I expected…" John sighed as he heard these words "You're too happy with your insect joke to actually help me now… But you know, ponies and insects might not be the same, but… uhm… I've got no arguments actually."
"Wait, or do I?" he suddenly realized with a new spark in his faceted eyes "If you still want to betray me, and toss your Star onto someone else, you'd probably benefit from ponies not running away from me at the second they see me, you know."
Cosmic Chaos still wasn't convinced "So, you're asking me help you so that I can better betray you later?"
So, John insisted "Well, yes. That's what any intelligent mastermind would obviously do in this situation, but you know it's still your choice, I'm not judging..."
"…"
After a small silence, John felt his body change once more.
"Hah, this was easy."
"You realize, I could transform you into a small pile of ash instead, if you don't stop annoying me at this very instant?" Cosmic Chaos menacingly hissed.
"Well, good luck lying in that bush for the rest of eternity then. No one in their sane mind would intentionally get into such a spiky place…"
"Uhg… You've always got a point…" she frustratedly admitted, before disdainfully adding "Happy now? "
As these words left her hypothetical mouth however, John slowly felt the spikiness of the bush return and even intensify.
"Fuck, pony skin is shit compared to that thing changelings have!" he exclaimed, feeling the branches stab his sides.
"Better get out of here…"
Struggling to break free from the bush, John attempted moving the branches with pained grunts. It took some time, but after a brave and valorous fight, the bush was defeated. John got out.
"Should have done it while still being a changeling…" he grumbled, now observing his new equine body, that was sadly already covered in numerous scratches and cuts.
"Anyway, now that I don't look suspicious at all, better get to the train station…" John unhappily declared, slowly starting to walk towards what looked like a peripheral road.
As he did however…
"Well, shit …"
…an alarmed cry echoed from somewhere behind him "Quick, this pony has got the Alicorn Amulet!"
Preparing to frustratedly sigh before cursing and rushing into a random direction, John suddenly noticed an anomaly with one of his front leg "Wait, you gave me the arm back?"
"I though it looked nice." Cosmic Chaos sheepishly admitted.
"Yeah and perfect to stay unnoticed too." John sneeringly added, moving the arm's claws around as if he had never had an arm before.
"Fuck, it's so much better than hooves."
"Well, it's still less noticeable than having half the jewelry of this kingdom hanging on your neck…"
"You got a point." John finally admitted before the unfriendly sounds of approaching guards returned him to reality, making him instantly flee into a small alley to the side.
"Fuck, I can't really run from them now. Being human used to give me the speed advantage, but it seems I don't even have that anymore…" he continued, struggling not to fall.
Suddenly, John noticed something else about his last transformation "Wait, you made me an Alicorn?"
"What, isn't this just a pony breed like any others?"
"No! There's a reason the Royal Princesses are Royal! They're fucking OP!"
"You don't seem that OP at the moment…"
"That's my problem… Cause now, not only do I look extremely suspicious because of my artifacts and Draconequus arm, but also because you're too aloof to correctly know the races you used to terrorize!"
"I mean, you could have even read my memories!"
"Well, that's what I did."
"Wait, what?... Oh… right, the OCs… That's another problem…"
Too absorbed in his internal argument, John didn't really see where he was going "What? No!" this is why, only vaguely seeing its silhouette, John rapidly ran into a trash container.
"Well, at least it's not a bush…" he mumbled, slightly stunned by the collision. Then, realizing the guards didn't catch up to him yet, he hastily climbed inside to prevent the latter from happening.
"And now you're where all mortals belong…"
"…"
"Not only was this not nice, but also extremely easy…"
"And even more true…"
After yet another small silence of disapproval, John moved on "Yeah, anyway, I'd rather get out of here, because, the smell of pony garbage isn't really better than that of human one." he sourly declared, as he clumsily climbed out of his hideout.
And so, covered in blood and garbage, John finally remained alone in the empty alley.
"I really enjoy how this last sentence puts a great emphasis on my qualities. Yeah, it's very nice of you, narrator to describe me so positively." he totally-not-sneeringly remarked, trying tidy himself at least slightly.
"Anyway, I think I've gotten everything I needed from Canterlot. Time for a trip to the Crystal Empire…" John unhappily sighed, starting to walk, then, suddenly realizing he could move one of his wings.
"Wait, they work?" he suddenly quizzed, an ecstatic smile appearing on his face. Not waiting for an answer, he immediately stopped, observing the wings stretch and fold back at his whim.
"Well, yes, what I do isn't purely cosmetic." Cosmic Chaos confirmed after a second.
"Oh, when you put it like that, I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing…" John suddenly stopped, his bright smile becoming a concerned frown.
"Well, that's a problem for later." he decided after a second in his thoughts "Cause now, I should be able to fly! How cool is that?"
With these words John stretched his new wings and started flapping them across the air while clumsily jumping. The plan didn't work out though.
"What? Why?!"
Because, though they graciously traveled through the air, the wings didn't really seem to grasp its intangible surface.
"Oh, you two can't just give me false hopes like that! I'm sad now…" John sourly declared, ceasing his attempts to fly and letting his inactive wings unnaturally hang down his sides.
"Although, this probably makes sense from a lore perspective…" he admitted, promptly trying to fold the wings in a slightly more natural manner "Pegasi can't just fly thinks to their wings, they also need that wing magic thing…"
"So, you know, you're extremely lucky you got yourself such a lore nerd as myself…" he concluded with a sigh "Well, at least I can still move these around… Which actually gives me an idea…"
First clumsily stretching his wings as wide as he could, John proceeded to wrap himself in the soft embrace of their feathers "What? It may look extremely stupid and be completely useless, but at least this gives my lonely ass the illusion of being warmly hugged while simultaneously not crippling my movements and allowing me to freely do other things… God, I would have needed that earlier in my life…" he immediately explained, unhappily starting to walk in down the alley.
Cosmic Chaos sneeringly chuckled "Says the one who deliberately chose to look for infinite power and shitty conquest instead of trying to at least find some form of company after literally arriving to the friendliest realm of the multiverse…"
Shaking his head to get rid of all this melancholy, John steadied himself "Wait, no. This got too real. Let's go on with spewing out shitty jokes and insulting each other, it's much better."
"Yeah."
As he phased out of his existential crisis, John didn't notice that he was no longer on a gloomy and desert alley, but rather on a lively and busy street full of bustling ponies.
"Wait, are you an alicorn?" an unknown voice suddenly called out to him.
After identifying that the question wasn't coming from a Royal Guard, but rather from a completely random unicorn stallion and thus that he didn't need to instantly flee, John indignantly started "Well, firstly, you don't just ask questions like these to strangers."
Then, catching his interlocutor's guilty gaze he added "And secondly, of course not, these wings are as fake as any of this shiny junk!"
As he pronounced these words however, pointing towards his numerous amulets with his hand he unwillingly moved one of the wings, the movement remaining quite obvious to the other pony.
"Uhm… It's all counterfeit." he immediately reassured afterwards "It's just some souvenirs for me to remember the beautiful land that is Equestria."
"Ugh… I guess let's go with the tourist route again."
"Oh, so you're visiting." the pony knowingly nodded, coming next to John to walk in his direction "And so where are you from?"
"Fuck, he's engaging in a conversation. Why would someone do that?"
"He's guilty for his indiscreet question and is trying to make up for it by doing you a service… Or Equestrians are just so overwhelmingly nice it's something common here… Even though I've lived in this world for the last few millennia, I really can't decide."
"Well, it's bad either way!"
"And it's still your problem."
As yet another internal argument was resolved, John caught the pony's questioning gaze, realizing that he still needed to respond "It's a faraway land, too long to explain." he quickly dismissed, then continued with a question of his own "And actually, I really need to go to the train station right now, so…"
"Hope, this gets him to go away. I'm a busy man!"
John's hopes were however deceived, as, his face brightening, the pony immediately proposed his help "Oh, I would be glad to lead you there!" he cheerfully exclaimed "Because right now, you're kinda going into the opposite direction…"
"Fuck."
"Oh, but thank you, my dear friend! I knew Equestrians were nice, but never would I have guessed they could be so friendly!" John replied, his tone and smile almost not obviously fake.
"Yeah, cause most kinda tried to kill me so…"
Now marching in the right direction, side by side with the other pony, John had decided to create and maintain the most awkward of silences for the longest time possible.
This plan was however quickly counteracted by the other pony cheerfully exclaiming "Oh, hey Chair Handle! Look, I've got a lost tourist here, wanna help me to lead him to the train station? He's quite an interesting guy."
"You're running out of believable pony names, aren't you?"
The pony in question didn't seem so excited about the opportunity though "Nah, honestly, I was kinda busy… and I've been planning to do some groceries right now, so…" he unsurely started, after quickly identifying who had called him out. Then, a realization struck him, completely changing his tone "Wait, is he an alicorn? I'm coming with you."
Now joined by Chair Handle, the group continued their way.
"So, how the fuck are you an alicorn?" the new pony immediately asked, getting closer "Oh, and why are you covered in shit too?" he added, promptly realizing that getting closer wasn't that good of an idea after all.
"Well, I've already explained that… I'm not." John frustratedly dismissed "It's all fake. Some souvenirs for when I get back home."
"Oh, and the shit is real though. I don't wanna explain it."
"Oh, that's disappointing… Should have expected it actually…" the other mumbled, already preparing to leave, but suddenly noticing something else "Wait, and what the fuck's up with your front hoof?"
"Wait, what?" the first pony suddenly intervened "How did I not see that? Your leg's completely fucked up!"
Preparing to dismiss that in a much similar way to the alicorn problem, John hesitantly started "Well… It's… Uhm… It's fake too…"
The ponies responded with distrustful looks "Nah, you can't say that, like you're clearly moving these little hoofparts at its end." one argued with a wince.
"Fuck."
"They're called fingers." John immediately corrected, interrupting him.
"Yeah, and also, why in Equestria would you get this as a souvenir?" the other continued, raising an eyebrow.
"You've got good points. But it's a complicated story that involved a lot of… boats and whales and birds and… I don't really wanna talk about it cause… I don't like birds that much… and that thing with the barn… and all the penguins and… It's complicated, just don't bring back all these memories…" John incoherently mumbled, his speech becoming less and less coherent as he went, even ending in quiet, almost not completely fake sobs.
"Yeah, I'm actually a pretty good actor as you can clearly see by this amazing performance."
Their faces a mix of confusion and empathy, the two ponies decided to stop interrogating John for the moment. What they all failed to notice however, was that a much larger crowd was starting to form around their small group.
"Oh no."
Indeed, as they passed by the busy streets, many ponies had noticed John's unusual condition. Not daring to ask him directly, many were still just too curious not to try following behind the group to get at least some information.
"God, ponies are fucking stalkers!"
And in the small awkward silence that followed John's theatric performance, their interested whispers could be clearly heard.
"Uhm… so, what was exactly happening here?" suddenly asked one, seeing that they have been noticed.
As the other ponies explain the situation however, John saw something else that interested him in the distance: the train station.
"I'm finally getting out of here."
Looking at his completely empty wrist as if a watch should have been present there, John suddenly produced a theatrical cry of distress, slightly startling the others "Oh my god! I am so late! I would have really enjoyed your company further, but it seems time is against us, so bye! I must go!"
After a second of stupor and several confused goodbyes from the crowd in which discussions about his nature and destination still went on, John ran off towards the train station with a relieved sigh.
"Fucking finally!"
"Oh… You got away too fast; I still could have played with them for a little!"
"Well, it's good I left then… Wasn't looking to cause random panic for once…"
"Anyway, now that I'm slightly further from all these ponies, I can finally scratch my back in peace without causing even more questions about this stupid arm…" John sighed, immediately putting his plan into action.
What followed was a pained "Ouch!" as, instead of lightly getting the itchy sensation off his skin, the claws simply cut into John's flesh, blood now covering their jagged tips and a small portion of his back.
"That's not good. I've told you this hand wasn't as good as my old one!" he crossly exclaimed, immediately lowering his voice as several ponies had turned concerned heads in his direction "Fuck, this hurts…"
"Well, you could have used the hooves." Cosmic Chaos sneeringly suggested.
To which John immediately conceded "Ok, it's still better than hooves, but what isn't?"
"Anyway, could you please get me some money for the train though?" he then continued, hopefully eyeing the air.
"But of course." the other immediately agreed, as a small piece of paper with the word Money written on it popped into John's hand .
"Meh, close enough." he dismissed, still heading towards the ticket booths.
Nearing one of them, John unsurely eyed the vendor pony within. He started holding his left hand out to deposit the money onto the counter but "Oops, wrong hand." he suddenly exclaimed, promptly repeating the operation with his right hoof "One ticket for the Crystal Empire please."
Picking the paper that John had given her up, the pony seemed confused "Sir, it seems you're mistaken." she wincingly suggested "We do not take invoice in small, poorly cut pieces of paper with the word Money badly written on them. It says it over here." she added, pointing a hoof towards a printed message, taped to the booth's glass.
"Fuck."
"Oh, sorry, wrong hand… I mean wrong hoof again." John hastily reassured, holding out an empty but blood-covered Draconequus claw instead.
The pony didn't seem to like it. A rather terrified "Oh…" was her first reaction. Then, diverting her disgusted gaze from the claw, she promptly decided to carefully put a ticket for the Crystal Empire into it and call it a day.
"H-Have a good trip S-Sir!" were her last words John heard, contently walking away.
"See, scratching my back was worth it!" he internally exclaimed, observing his left claw.
"Ah, always loved myself some intimidation. Good job for a mortal."
"I mean, she was much more likely to just call a guard or tell me to go away, but seems the gods of this world were gentle with me this time. Like, I do have two of these gods with me right now so…"
"Well, yes, it was somewhat forced, but such things can be tolerable when they're here to teach you good behaviors."
"And I'm honestly alright with that…" John concluded, finally entering the train after passing by a Royal Guard that manifestly didn't trust him.
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Dreams of Greatness... They Really Aren't That Great
"Ah, finally getting out of pony land…" John grumbled, his frustrated eyes crossing with the distrustful scowl of the Royal Guard he passed by.
He brought his eyes back to the ground "Isn't the Crystal Empire also full of ponies?" Cosmic Chaos asked him, clearly unconcerned by John's unsuccessful look duel.
"Uhh… Yeah" he admitted, carefully trotting through a slowly filling wagon "It's also pony land, but cold…"
"…"
Noticing that the explanation manifestly wasn't sufficient, he decided to change the subject instead "Ok, let's make this conversation slightly less surreal and take a seat." he decided, finally arriving into an empty wagon.
"Oh, they've got these individual cabins with like, four seats in them, that's amazing!" he internally exclaimed looking around.
Cosmic Chaos wasn't convinced by this discovery "But if there are four seats, isn't it for four ponies?" she skeptically argued.
"Of course. But as long as you don't have any friends, it's basically yours." John reassured, trying to take a seat, but struggling to set his pony legs into a comfortable position "Like, no one would be crazy enough to share their intimate space with a stranger!"
"You already forgot what happened in town didn't you?" the other sneeringly asked.
This unfortunate realization almost made John fall onto the ground "Fuck, that's right. Ponies aren't as socially awkward as myself." he unhappily grumbled, finally giving up any attempts to sit and lazily laying down on the bench in the least compact way possible and thus taking up two sits.
"Because who honestly gives a fuck?"
It was at this instant that another pony entered the cabin. Noticing John stretched out across the bench, he gave him a look of disapproval, followed by one of confusion as he saw that John was an alicorn.
Meanwhile, the once-human stretched his wings as wide as he could, thus emphasizing that he was in no circumstances ready to move.
"Yeah, that's right! I'm better than you! Don't even try questioning an alicorn's behavior, you pony peasant!"
Then he suddenly pushed himself off with one of his wings and fell from the bench. The sound of clanging jewels filled the air mixing with the other pony's muted chuckles.
"Yeah, truly amazing display of regality from you on this one…"
"Fuck off."
As John got up once more, his displeased gaze fell on the other pony. The latter quickly took a place on the other end of the cabin, looking at something overwhelmingly interesting he had suddenly noticed through the train's window.
"Yeah, yeah, you're not getting out of this that easily. I've heard you…" John grumbled to himself just loudly enough so that the pony could hear it. He saw the latter slightly cower as he promptly intensified his observation of the exterior.
Once the incident was settled,…
"Trust me. It's not settled. I may be done with scaring that pony, but you're not making me look stupid like that ever again, or… or you'll see!"
"You don't have actual way to threaten him, haven't you?"
"Shush. Mystery is the most threatening of threats!"
"Sure."
As John continued arguing with himself, while still struggling to find a somewhat comfortable position on the bench that allowed him not to fall off, the train's whistle filled the air.
"Finally."
And as it did, several breathless ponies, entered the cabin, most of them promptly continuing their way. after noticing John's overwhelmingly rude posture. But one decided to stay. For a second, he awkwardly shifted in place, hesitating to go find a better wagon, but after a look at the crowded hallways, he uneasily settled on taking a seat next to the other pony.
"Well that's his problem. Because now I'm going to sleep and nothing is going to stop me! Well, except if I fall off again…" John soundlessly proclaimed, curling into a ball.
"At least I can use these wings as covers." he realized, immediately acting this plan out "Hey, that's pretty comfy! Nice."
…
"Fuck… Why is falling asleep when I need to always so hard…" he grumbled after several minutes passed, disturbed by nothing but the train's wheels' regular clatter.
Shifting from side to side he continued "God, it's been so long since I actually slept instead of randomly passing out in the middle of a forest… It even kinda feels weird to have some form of bed underneath me…"
"Ugh… I just can't sleep it's so stupid…" John finally mumbled as a bright sunray blinded his closed eyes "Unless… Uhm… Cosmic Chaos, can you help?" he sheepishly asked after a small hesitation.
After a short confusion-filled pause, Cosmic Chaos unsurely replied "Are you suggesting I should help you to find the gates of oblivion. Thus, mimicking the strange rituals that mortals of this world perform on their offsprings to get rid of them for at least a small portion of the day?"
"Can I get a cookie and some warm milk?"
"…"
"I think I should take this as a no…"
"You should take this as a: Fuck off, despicable mortal. Not only is your very existence an insult to all of creation, but even more so is the inactive state you call sleep. As, apart from finally giving me the deserved freedom that your mindless psyche disallows me to have, this period of complete inactivity somehow renders you even more useless than you already are." Cosmic Chaos calmly corrected him.
First, John aprovingly shrugged "Ok, fair enough."
Then, he realized something "Or… wait a minute, no! Did you just say you're actually using me to do things while I'm asleep? That's the shittiest of plot twists I've heard of in my entire life!" he panickily thought, almost failing not to speaking out loud "But that's also fucking terrifying!"
"Ok, fair enough."
As his mind turned to panic and terror, John felt himself slowly drift off.
"No, that doesn't make any sense! I can't start falling asleep right now."
"Well, I may have decided to fulfill your wish after all…"
"Oh god…" was the only reaction John's misty mind could master before blacking out completely.
Argh… My head hurts.
It's terrible.
Fuck… What is happening to me…
And what is this place?
Where am I?
Why is the sky so grey and all this scorched earth around? What happened here?
Oh, fuck. What's that thing?! It kinda looks like a broken top and… Shit, it's running right towards me!
Wait. I think it's trying to say something.
"They left us! They left us all! "
Who are you talking about? Who left what? I don't understand.
"They fled. They left us all here. To rot. To die. "
What do you mean? Who are you?
"I am one of the ones. The ones who survived. The ones who lived in this wasteland for all these years. All these years since they left us… "
What even happened to this place? I'm extremely confused right now.
Why am I talking to a fucking top? Ahhhhhh!
"Oh… A long time ago. There was fire. And thunder. The thundering fire that destroyed our… NO! I can't remember. I don't want to remember. It was all before they left us. It was before we needed to survive. "
Wait, are you talking about a war of some sort?
Fuck, you're getting me way too confused. Like, if you go on like that, I might even start hurting myself in my confusion at some point.
"War. It's an ancient word. I don't remember hearing it for decades. It's dangerous word. They said war never changes… Well, there is no more wars to fight. Nothing. It's been so empty since they left us… "
So, this was caused by a war?
"Uhm… Yes. You can say that. But It's easy to say. Not so easy to survive. Not so easy since they left us. "
Yay! Finally some information! Can I get an Achievement Unlocked box pop out or something? Cause I really feel like I've accomplished a miracle.
Anyway, let's not stop here. So, who left you?
"Confused. We were confused when they left us. We were frightened. We didn't know what to do. We thought they'd come back. We hoped they'd come back. They never did. "
No! Don't get sidetracked! I felt like we were finally getting somewhere!
And honestly, maybe they just left because living in this fucking wasteland isn't something anyone in their sane mind would want to do?
"AND WHAT DID I DO? What did I do all these years? Are you saying I'm insane? Are you saying they were right to leave us? Do you want to leave too? "
Oh… Chill out, dude! I get that you're one of these mad exposition hobos, but that doesn't mean you need to have every single of these character traits!
And, I mean, leaving this place honestly doesn't sound that bad.
So, I'm just trying to understand what's going on… And I really can't for the moment… So... You know?
"Yes. I too would want to understand. To learn, to discover. But I don't have the time. There is time for nothing in this place. It's ruthless. Time is a resource. And I shouldn't waste it talking to you… "
Well, OK. But I still didn't get what happened… So, are you just gonna leave me?
"No! I won't leave you! I won't leave you like they left us. I'm not like them. Follow me. It's not safe to stay out here like that. "
Well, I mean, it's not like I had anything else to do anyway. I'm coming, I guess. As long as you continue spewing out incomprehensible exposition of course.
"Come. Yes. Come with me. It's dangerous. You wouldn't survive… Oh! I hear it. I hear them. The winds. They've seen us. They're coming! Quick. We need to go. "
Hey man! Chill! It's not like we're in any danger.
Like, the wind isn't usually that bad. What's the worst thing it could do? Blow some dust into my eyes?
Wait, that actually sounds pretty bad. I'm coming!
"Worse. Way worse. We don't want to talk about the winds. We don't want to see the winds. The winds want to see us. They're coming. There were no winds back then. The winds arrived when they left us… "
I mean, what is there worse than having some dust in your eyes? There's no way these windy bastards can outdo that level of evil!
Also, you're kinda making me curious of what these winds actually look like… What if I…
"NO! Don't look! Hide! You're going to kill us! You're going to kill us all! The winds will be our end. "
Well, ok then. I'm not looking. I'll close my eyes, even.
Hey that's actually a good strategy to counter having sand shoved into your face! Amazing! I feel like a genius now!
So, since we're safe now, could you please try giving me some actually intelligible information about who these they you're talking about are?
"They. They left us. They were here. They were part of us. But they no longer are... "
Well, you just gave me the definition of the verb to leave , but I already knew it. So, thanks anyway, I guess.
It'd be nice if you developed a bit on the subject, though.
"Yes. They left us. It was all during the fires. The flaming thunders. The winds appeared with the thunders. They didn't like the winds. No one liked the winds… "
Well that's kinda racist towards the winds, not gonna lie. But then, OK I guess. They don't seem like very nice fellas anyway.
OK, so, to sum up, whoever you're talking about, they somehow disappeared after some kind of war, right? So, logically, it was after that war that made this place become a wasteland?
"Yes. The age of flames. The flames of the atom. I remember. The des top. He told us we're safe. We had the atom with us. We were masters of the flames. He didn't know of the winds. He left us too. "
Oh, is this some kind of lore-relevant information you've just said? Amazing!
Firstly, are we going for some Fallout-like nuclear bullshit? Yeah, probably.
And according to what you just said, this they , you're going on about was, like, your leader?
"Yes. He left us. They left us. The winds never left us. The winds only stayed. They stayed with us. But we don't like the winds. The winds came from the atom. They came from the thunder. Because of them, they left us! "
Hey, it's almost like your incomprehensible ramblings start getting better and better over time. I like it.
So, I think I got most of it: A long time ago, there was some nuclear war in this top land. Many died, but not all. Then, it unleashed some kind of monstrosity and mostly reduced the world to a lifeless desert. Makes sense. And so, as things were going to shit, the elite left the planet and went to space and you're here all alone?
Did I complete the quest? Have I mastered the lore of this place?
"NO! That's not it. We're not alone. We never were alone. They never were alone. They never left us down here. The winds didn't have mercy. The winds made them leave. Many left us. But not all. "
Fuck, it's hard to get into the lore of a top nuclear war scenario while understanding it all from the incomprehensible ramblings of a mad hobo…
And how did I even get into a situation where I need to do this?
Oh, wait a minute, I think I just realized something…
Tops , nuclear war, no narrator…
Fuck, I'm even back to being human...
Yes. It all checks out. This is a dream.
Shit. I need to wake up and fast then.
God… What is Cosmic Chaos doing right now?
Ugh… But then, I didn't yet get all the lore of this place and…
Nah, I think stopping a cosmic deity from controlling my unconscious body should be my priority right now.
Well, no more lore for me then…
Fuck, I was even starting to kinda get into it, but...
"NO! DON'T LEAVE US TOO!"
Sorry, freaky top man.
This really is a…
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Yeeeesssssss Cryssssssssstuuuuuuuulz!... The Empire
"…shame" John sleepily mumbled, stretching and shifting on the cold hard floor.
"Fuck… Must say it isn't really a change from the usual…" he continued, struggling to open his eyes.
A second later however, he added "It does change from where I fell asleep though… Oh no."
He heard hoofsteps somewhere near him, accompanied by the clang of hooves against hard metal.
"I don't even wanna open my eyes at this point…"
"Cosmic Chaos? Are you still here?" he called out within his mind, failing to receive any response.
"Well, we're alone again… That's… Oh, my god, that's terrible, I need to immediately get her back."
With these panicked thoughts, John immediately stood up and snapped his eyes open.
"Is it me or is there less smoke?" he mused, blinking and immediately proceeding to check if his artifacts were still on his neck.
"Fuck! I've only got the Alicorn Amulets left…"
As he was concentrated on the state of his lacking collection of jewelry however, his thoughts got interrupted by a stern shout "Captain! It woke up again!" yelled what could have only been a member of the Royal Guard.
Jerking his head towards the sound, John finally came to realize where exactly he found himself after his short nap.
"Fuck, I'm in prison." he shakenly mumbled, bringing a sweaty hand to his face "Oh, and I'm human too! Finally, good news!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the iron bars that now held John captive, Royal Guards seemed quite unnerved.
"Where did it get all this?" one confusedly mumbled, unsurely sorting the magical artifacts they managed to get off of John.
"Not your problem Sergeant. We should give it all to the Princess. She'll know what to do." another severely commanded, turning his gaze to the now awoken John.
"Oh, god. They've got the Stars. I need to get out of here and fast."
Meanwhile, the guard approached John's cell "What are you?" he simply asked, distrustfully eyeing the human.
"Oh, fuck! We're back to this again?! No fucking way! Like, you already got me in here! Can't I just stay in prison in peace and at least avoid talking to people?" John immediately snapped.
While most guards were stunned by the sudden outburst and the Captain prepared to respond with a dry "No", it was all suddenly interrupted by a voice that John knew all too well.
"Oh, no."
"Muahaha! I'm finally free!" Cosmic Chaos exclaimed through the mouth of a unicorn guard that remained unnoticed for the moment, but now stood above the pile a loot, purple smoke cascading from his eyes and a maniac grin on his face.
"Wait, this may actually be useful to escape…"
"Nah, you should probably work on that evil laugh a bit more." John remarked from his cage, immediately bringing her attention to him.
"SHUT UP! You mortal!" she exclaimed, a blast of murky black goo bursting from the guards' horn.
Luckily, the shot missed. As, when the strange substance came in contact with the metal that separated John from safety, it spread, soon covering the surface completely. The strange texture of it shifted. It grew, presenting numerous protrusions and starting to spew corrosive liquids. Multiple tentacles and gaping maws now ornated its branches.
"Well, that didn't really go as planned…" John sourly remarked, eyeing the monstrosity that his prison had become.
Cosmic Chaos still wasn't satisfied "I'm not letting you live through this, mortal!" she roared, already preparing another blast.
Before she could continue any further however, the Captain regained countenance "SERGEANT! WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO WITH THESE TRINKETS?!" he furiously yelled, putting himself in front of the possessed pony.
"I don't take orders." Cosmic Chaos retorted, propelling the guards right into the misshapen wall.
"Hey, that was very edgy! It should have been be my line!" John mockingly remarked, seeing the strange barrier twist even more as it battled with the guard.
Cosmic Chaos wanted to try attacking again, but quickly decided it was only a waste of time "We'll, see who'll be laughing when this world is no more!" she simply declared, furiously annihilating a portion of the wall and going through the opening.
"Hey! There was a door over there!... probably… I can't see shit through this spooky barrier thing…" John exclaimed in her wake, receiving no response other that a distant exasperated huff.
The room grew quiet…
"Hey, your definition of quiet seems pretty flexible, since I can clearly still hear that guard battling with that wall-thing right now, and let's say he doesn't sound very happy about being eaten alive."
…quiet if it wasn't for the pained grunts of the guard captain or the metallic rattle of his armor being ground to dust by eldritch maws and appendages or the quite whimpering of the remaining guards that witnessed the scene or…
"Or the fact, I honestly don't give a fuck about all that."
…
"Anyway, now, I need to get out of here…" John declared after a small pause "Hey, can anyone free me? Please?" he hopefully exclaimed afterwards, getting no comprehensible response.
"OK, I'll do it myself then." he decided with a sigh "So, what do I still have on me?"
With these words, John plunged a pensive hand into his pocket "So, here's a paper" he started, getting the latter out of there "That's… not very useful…" So, he continued his search "Ok, that's a pencil, fine. A fork, I remember how it got here. Some dust, logically. An apple. Got no idea why I've got one. And… the Golden Apple? Wait, what?" he suddenly stopped, confusedly holding the metallic fruit "Do you guys even check people's pockets when arresting them?" he perplexedly asked, still failing to get any response from the terrified guards.
"Oh, yeah, it's cause ponies don't wear clothes, right. Makes sense." he realized after a second "Anyway, what was I doing again? Ah, yes, getting out of here… Must say, I'm not really gaining much progress right now."
So, he poked the twisted wall with a fork "Yeah, that doesn't work."
As he did however, the lower section of the barrier collapsed, giving place to a strange pile of unidentifiable degraded matter and a nice opening that lead to the exterior.
"I'm pretty sure that wasn't in any way related to the fork, but OK." John remarked, leaning in to peak through the hole "Fuck, that looks gross." he shuddered, eyeing the bizarre pile that blocked his way.
He sighed in exasperation, before trying to negotiate with guards once more "Hey, if you help me to get out of here, I'll give you an apple!"
Unsurprisingly, it didn't work "Yeah, yeah, don't help me, I won't mind. But I sure ain't giving you this apple!"
The return of a complete silence ensued.
"Right."
John tried touching the weird pile with his foot "Ugh, it's as gross as it looked…" he concluded, disgustedly wincing "What if I try to… Sweep it to the side a bit?" putting his plan into action, John saw his shoes quickly becoming covered in the substance.
"Hey, don't you think that we're spending a bit too much time talking about this pile of shit ? Can't we, like, skip ahead a bit?"
…
"No? Well, fuck."
After numerous frustrated sighs mixed with disgusted gags as John continued attempting to clean up his way out, he had finally managed to create an almost clear opening for him to escape through.
So, he did just that.
"Wow, great description on your part here…" John grumbled, still shuddering at the touch of the ground and taking a pensive look around.
"Great, it only took like an hour, and now I'm even more covered in shit then when I took a dive in that dumpster. Amazing. I mean, it's not, like, the same type of shit, but…
"Why was I talking about different types of shit again?"
After reconsidering his priorities in terms of self-conversation, a realization struck the mucky human.
"Wait. There are no guards left? Are you saying that I've been talking to myself this whole time? That's… stupid…" he frustratedly mumbled to himself .
"Shut up."
After rapidly taking the remaining artifacts that the guards had the time to confiscate…
"So, only the other Elements of Harmony that are even more completely useless than the rest of my shit… It still feels good to have them back though…
"Oh, and there's that Changeling thing too. There's no way I'm putting it on again."
…John remained pensive for a moment, choosing between the door and the scorched opening that Cosmic Chaos left in her wake.
"Yeah, let's stick with the classics." he decided, going through the door.
"So, what in hell is my plan now?" he wondered, leaving the grim prison behind.
"It's not like there's anything other than the Star here to steal and I don't really need it now." he started, noticing small remnants of the panicked guards' passage here and there. After a second in his thoughts, he came to a conclusion "What I probably need though, is to save the fucking world. Fuck, I hate doing that."
Kicking an abandoned guard helmet and quickly regretting his decision after feeling a spurt of keen pain in his foot, John proceeded to clarify the situation to himself.
"Cause, if Cosmic Chaos destroys the world, well, firstly I'll probably die, which isn't the greatest thing to do, and secondly, I can't become a villain in a world where everyone's already either dead or terrorized. That's just not fun."
For a second, he grew quite to reconsider that last statement.
Before he could finish his reflections on the matter though, another realization struck him "Oh, I think I might know just the man I need right now, actually. I mean, not the man, the pony. Or actually, the weird shadow demon thing they call Umbrum in the comic but don't call shit in the show because no one honestly cares. Yeah, I was talking about Sombra." John finally concluded, stopping for a second to look at an unarmored guard that suddenly ran past, panic in his eyes.
"Yep, I'm going that way." he decided, casually heading towards where the guard came from.
Walking through the clean corridors of the Crystal Palace…
"Oh no, not corridors…"
…John quickly noticed the cozily lit crystals of the throne room in the distance.
"Ah, that's fine then." he relievedly sighed, continuing his way
"Oh and, whoever built this, was way better of an architect than the guy in Canterlot." he concurrently remarked, before suddenly realizing "Wait, I think Sombra built this thing…"
Which led a questionable conclusion "Well, it seems slaves were quite effective for construction purposes and… Nah I should probably stop myself right where I am."
Meanwhile, he was slowly getting closer to the throne room. As he did however, something gradually became apparent. Indeed, the seemingly cozy atmosphere of its interior quickly revealed itself to be but a shadow of the chaos that truly lied within.
"Oh, fuck. There are, like, guards fighting against a possessed Cadence while Flurry Heart is aimlessly flying and shooting magical lasers everywhere and like half the floor is made out of… like, brain tissue or something and there's that tentacle thing over there in the corner, doing things that I would rather not describe and… I don't even know at this point… What the actual fuck is happening here?"
Continuing to get closer, the situation seemed to become clearer…
"No, it didn't."
…or perhaps not clearer but rather more clearly incomprehensible.
"Yeah, that's more like it…" John mumbled, unsurely stepping into the crumbling room.
"Phew, at least that section of the floor I need is intact…" he observed after giving the general chaos a quick panoramic glance "Well, if you ignore that bulging eye in the middle…"
After a loose arrow landed just next to him, he added "Fuck, I hope they don't see me… Or actually, no I don't give a fuck they're already quite busy right now."
As a huge portion of the wall disintegrated to his right, John let escape a small nervous sigh "Yep. Guess it's time to act."
After several more seconds in light hesitation he rushed to the middle of the room, promptly dodging several lasers and spear attacks.
"Now, how does this open again?" he mused, searching through his immeasurably disordered memory.
"Ah, right. Dark magic. A thing I can totally do myself and…" he was suddenly interrupted by a molten burst of pure mana from an uncontrollable Flurry Heart he barely dodged.
"Oh, that's an idea."
As she was currently just above his head, slightly curious of what was this newcomer, John concerted all of strengths and jumped, grabbing the little pony out of the air.
"Yes!" was his first reaction. Then, as Flurry Heart attempted murdering him by shooting an annihilating beam of all-mighty destruction in his face, John barely dodged it, somehow managing to maintain his grip.
A second later however, the baby pony was gone, disappearing in the characteristic pop of a teleportation.
"Fuck. I need to somehow channel her a bit… Anyway, let's start by catching her once more."
Scanning the room in search of the pony, John rapidly identified her childish silhouette right above the ongoing battle.
"Fuck."
Then, she teleported away. And then she did it again. And again. And again. And again. After several more random teleportations, it seemed the tiny alicorn grew a bit stunned by this rapid change of location. She hovered in the air, blinking and ceasing to shoot any magical lasers for a second or so.
This was exactly what he looked for.
"Yeah, like, it's close enough."
With a relieved "Great" John immediately rushed towards her. Dodging several blows from eldritch tentacles, royal spears and crystalline shards that suddenly started sprouting from the ground, he found himself just under the floating Flurry Heart.
The baby was too high though. "Well, let's improvise, adapt and overcome." he confidently declared, promptly starting to use a pile of what looked like a mix of lifeless bodies, incomprehensible eldritch horrors and various silverware as a makeshift ladder.
"Ugh… Don't tell me what I'm walking on, I was trying to ignore that."
In the meantime, finishing his course with a majestic lunge…
"Thanks, I know my lunges are pretty good."
…(as majestic as the lunge of a decapitated walrus from a skyscraper would have been)…
"…"
…John caught the baby, managing to land on the soft cushion of, paradoxically room-temperature, molten lava "I don't even want to know how that's supposed to work, but since I'm not dead, that's alright with me."
"Oh shit, Flurry Heart!" he immediately exclaimed, returning his attention back to the baby in his hands "I need to somehow stop her from… Uhm… I don't… Uhm… Oh, right, that should work!" immediately phasing out of this small panic, concurrently exiting the pool of lava, John braced his finger, applying a proficient boop on the baby's nose.
The latter immediately froze, unable to react to such potent sorcery, thus letting John give out a faint "Yes!"
Making his way back to the secret entrance, John confusedly discovered that several of the fallen guards he walked upon only seconds later now rejoined the fight, their lifeless eyes glowing of the faintest shades of red. Casually dodging some more spears and passing by some more eldritch horrors, He reached his goal.
"Now, how do I make it shoot?" he wondered, holding Flurry Heart out as if she was a gun "Oh, right from what I recall, dark magic should be something controlled by negative emotions like anger or fear, so if I do this…" he continued, leaning in to be closer to the baby's ear "Boo!"
Flurry Heart shuddered, a fearful whimper escaping her little mouth. Meanwhile, a grand beam of obscure mana, cut through the air as a knife through butter (that is, if the knife was preemptively heated to exceed the temperature of the Sun and made out of pure, primordial mana forged in the very confines of the universe during long-forgotten ages).
"OK. I'm holding the living equivalent of an atomic bomb. If it's not worse…"
Meanwhile, the secret door didn't really open. It rather dissolved into the most basic of its atomic components that immediately evaporated into nothingness.
"Great."
However, the baby started crying.
"Oh, no."
Shooting even more uncontrollable beams of an intensity comparable to the last one, even Flurry Heart's wails seemed to emanate with such might that they gave the impression of dissolving the eardrums of whoever heard them.
"I need to calm this thing down." John immediately reckoned, using all of the zero appeasing techniques he was aware of "Uhm… Shush… Calm down… Please!... Ah! It's not working what should I… Oh, I've got an idea."
Snapping out of his small panic once again, John hopefully leaned in towards the baby "Oh, look at that beautiful shadow portal thingy of pure evil you just made! Isn't it cool?"
The cries diminished. Flurry Heart seemed interested in the secret doorway. And so, as curiosity overthrew her tears it was in another magical pop that she disappeared in the depths of Sombra's dark lair.
With a quick sigh and a "Well, I was going there anyway so… Yeah…" John followed her, leaving the chaotic throne room behind.
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Babies... They're Way More Dangerous Than They Seem
The stairway that led down to Sombra's lair was dark. At least, it used to be dark, until Flurry Heart's endless magical lasers suddenly made it seem brighter than the Sun itself.
"Yeah, getting her out of here will probably be the second part of my plan." John mumbled, nervously observing the tiny alicorn.
"But first, let's try to find Sombra." he resolutely announced, returning his gaze to the ambient darkness. This darkness was however immediately pierced by another bright magical surge "And let's hope he doesn't get accidently obliterated before I get to him." he mockingly added with a sigh.
"Wait, would he even be here? Cause if this is the Comics universe, as the presence of Cosmic Chaos would suggest, he should be reformed by now, but what if it's actually not? Like, how would this work?" he wondered.
This reasonable contemplation was however swiftly interrupted by a roaring "STOP THIS AT ONCE! YOUR KING COMMANDS IT!"
"Well, seems he's here after all..." John swiftly concluded with a shrug, bringing his gaze to the floating pair of eyes in the little darkness that was still left in the place.
Before he could react any further however, another cry resounded through the air: Flurry Heart's cry.
"Oh! Come on! You made her cry again! It was already hard enough to get in here, at least make an effort to compensate for my struggles." John immediately exclaimed, swiftly clogging his ears.
Sombra turned his floating gaze towards John "Well, such pitiful problems are too small for such a glorious King as I to care!" he confidently announced, before suddenly realizing that this problem actually was big enough for him to care, as even his nonexistent eardrums were gradually starting to hurt.
"Cease your wailing!" he cried out once more, met with nothing but even more wailing.
"Could we stop mistreating this child and at least attempt somewhat calming her?" John suggested after observing Sombra's unsuccessful attempt.
"But how? It doesn't even obey the orders of the King!" Sombra confusedly exclaimed in response, his gloomy eyes visibly filled with dismay.
"Ah… Here I am, in the edgy layer of the King of darkness and slavery himself, while we both desperately try to calm down a child… Perfectly normal situation…" John mumbled to himself, concurrently putting all of his remaining brain power to find a way of calming Flurry Heart.
"Oh, wait, I've got an idea!" he suddenly exclaimed, his voice almost completely covered by the baby's wails "Make some sparkly things with your magic!"
Sombra didn't understand the point of the move at first, but then he decided that doing anything susceptible to remove these ear-annihilating wails was worth a try even if the chances of it functioning were extremely low.
"Finally, someone who does what I ask!"
And so, the King did his best. Lightnings of pure darkness flashed from his horn. And, as their sinister sparks stroke the soil, they summoned forth a grand pyre of pure darkness that seemed to emanate with the very essence of the souls of the damned.
"Yeah, that's not exactly what I meant by sparkly things …" John sourly remarked. As he did however, a realization stroke him "Wait, it's almost like this worked!"
Indeed, fascinated by the sudden appearance of the fire of darkness, Flurry Heart concentrated all her attention on it, forgetting to cry and thus, making the long-awaited calm return to the dark room.
"Great." John relievedly sighed, seeing the baby alicorn fly right into the fire before reappearing behind it without any noticeable damage.
"And so, I, the Great King Sombra has once more succeeded at saving my dear subjects with my infinite kindness and wit!" Sombra gloriously announced, his ethereal grin only spreading wider.
"Well, I was the one to suggest this plan but…" John's remark was promptly interrupted by another of Sombra's exclamations.
"So, what have you come here for, my dear subject?" he suddenly asked, teleporting right before the human in a cloud of black mist.
"Never mind…"
"Uh… Yes… Uhm, my actual plan." John unsurely started "I kinda got a small problem."
"I am, listening, my dear slave. All of the one inquires you may have, shall be immediately answered before you gladly turn to the infinite servitude you have always dreamed of as my personal coffee table, unless I don't feel like it of course." Sombra immediately announced, his booming voice filling the blazing room.
"I'm not so sure about that last part… Anyway, the problem I've got is that, well… I may have caused the end of the world…" John admitted after a small hesitation.
"And, you know, that's not very cool. So, it'd be pretty nice if you help me to prevent that from happening…" he pleadingly concluded, concurrently noticing that Flurry Heart had started to drag some of the bookshelves that once called this place home into the demonic fire.
"Let's ignore that."
"That is indeed a great idea, my bipedal, hairless and not so good-looking subject. I must agree that —unless it is of my doing— the end of the world is probably an event we should attempt avoiding."
"I'm glad you agree."
"And so, I assume that to prevent such a disastrous event from occurring —as well as to help your dear King, of course— you would gladly surrender your meager mortal body to me. Thus, allowing my great self to regain my former glory by killing your very essence and possessing your lifeless corpse." as these words resounded through the room, Sombra's ghostly grin disappeared, only his crimson horn now remaining floating in the air in front of a rather panicked John.
"Wait, what?" he confusedly asked, fearfully fidgeting in place "I'm not so sure about that. Can we reconsider the deal? Please…"
Before the human took any further actions however, the horn floated dangerously closer. And it didn't stop there as, swiftly reaching lightning speeds, it went right into his chest, piercing his flesh right where his heart was.
"Ouch."
And so, as his mind went numb and his vision turned to darkness, John heard Sombra's victorious voice in his head "Hahaha! Fool! Your worthless corpse will be an acceptable vessel for my grand return! Your service to the King will be forgotten."
"Fuck, why is everyone trying to betray me?" John mumbled with the last of his forces, collapsing to the cold hard ground.
Except all of a sudden, this all passed. He steadied himself "Wait, I don't feel so dead anymore."
A deep "Oops" resounded through his mind "I may have resurrected you by mistake…"
"What? How does this ever happen?" John exclaimed, his confusion suddenly interrupted by a grand explosion somewhere behind.
"And what was that?" turning around, the first thing he saw as an ecstatic Flurry Heart happily giggling above the infernal flames of darkness she had accidently unleashed upon the room.
"Yeah, that checks out." he sighed, before suddenly realizing something else "Fuck… Sombra, are you in my head?"
"Because of that unfortunate mistake of mine, yes. And I would have rather preferred being here alone. So, as your merciful King, I graciously command you to fix that mistake by dying." the King immediately replied.
Ignoring the order, John proceeded to lightly freak out "Oh no, I sure don't want that situation with Cosmic Chaos to repeat with him..."
Touching his chest, he found the fractured end of Sombra's horn plunged deep inside his flesh, without any intentions to move "Oh god, and I can't even get rid of this one."
"Hmm… what is that." Sombra's thoughts resounded somewhere deep in John's mind.
"Uhm, what are you doing?" John immediately asked, swiftly postponing the rest of his freak-out.
"Wait, you heard that?" the other confusedly re-joined.
"You're in my head, we need to share this shitty brain now…" unhappily sighed the human "Again…"
"Oh."
"That's unfortunate." the words echoed through John's mind once again.
"I've heard that too."
After a small pause, Sombra decided to address quite an important issue "Uhm, so, I guess you too will disobey my royal orders and refuse dying for my great glory?"
"Yeah, probably…" John confirmed, after giving a last glance to the fire around him and deciding to start slowly moving towards the exit.
"Such unworthy decision…" the King grumbled "Well, I shall return to my royal occupations you interrupted."
"And what were these, exactly?" John suddenly asked, with a small smile "Could it be, reading my memories?"
"Indeed, I shall…" Sombra gloriously started, before suddenly noticing something within these memories.
"Oh, dear god, what is that…"
A second later, he had changed his mind "Actually no, tis now time for your grateful King to save the world!"
"Sure…"
"Are you still certain you don't want to die?"
"Nah, I'm good with being alive."
And so, as the Flurry-Heart-caused bonfire continued to rage, the small alicorn now attempting to put even more fuel into it, John —now reluctantly accompanied with King Sombra— left the not-so-dark lair behind and ascended back to the throne room.
"So, where is this apocalyptic beast that we shall strike down in my ultimate glory?" Sombra confidently announced as they entered the throne room.
"Oh shit…"
Next to a pile of semi-lifeless corpses, encompassed in a cloud of purple mist, stood Cosmic Chaos. Well, not the goddess herself, but rather the ones worthy of being possessed by her bewitching amulets: Princess Mi Amore Cadenza and Prince Shining Armor… and some random guard that happened to be there and only got possessed because there weren't any more important ponies left around.
"NOW, BOW BEFORE MY MIGHT, MORTAL!" the ethereal voice resounded from all directions at once.
"So, are you suggesting that the one who had taken my throne after my premature fall had been planning for the destruction of this universe all along?" Sombra unsurely asked, his ethereal eyes flickering into existence before John's vision for a split second.
"Well, no… " John started, preparing for a long and boring explanation "Actually, we don't have time for this, it would have really been easier if you read my memories instead of asking questions…" he quickly dismissed seeing the purple mist encompass the entirety of what was left of the throne room.
"Uhm… can you try teleporting me over there" he swiftly suggested vaguely waving his hand in Cosmic Chaos' direction "I need to remove these amulet things from them."
"Yes. Your King shall strike down his foes by removing the jewelry from their necks. Watch and learn, servant."
"Well, yeah, I'm waiting and… Oh, that looks nice." Before John had the time complain any further, a mist of dark shadows overtook him, soon dematerializing his body.
"Ah, yes, my cosmetic effects have been renowned far and wide across the land, until I unfortunately died… twice."
As John felt himself reappear in a different location though, something struck him "I'm behind a wall…" he grumbled, blankly staring into the darkness of a utility closet.
"Perhaps this astute tactical decision may look like a mild miscalculation, but do not fear, all is according to your King's plan."
"Yeah, but…" All of a sudden, a grand blast of acidic corrosion struck the blank darkness before him. And so, the wall dissolved into nothingness leading the way to Cosmic Chaos clear once more.
"Well, that solves the problem." John sighed, immediately noticing and barely dodging a great chunk of castle wall that was being flung towards him.
"It never was a problem. It was all calculated." Sombra indignantly argued.
Meanwhile a great roar echoed through the room "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!" Cosmic Chaos yelled as her attack missed.
"OK, I'll just run towards there then… It seems to work most of the time…" John finally decided, abandoning all forms of somewhat complex plans.
"And thanks to my tactical superiority, I shall triumph!"
Starting to run while continuously attempting to dodge all kind of blows, jabs and bites from the many nightmarish creatures that started coming out of the purple mist, John slowly felt his body become ethereal, transforming into blackish smoke. He phased through the ground.
"YOUR KING HAS RETURNED!" Sombra's voice resounded through the hall.
"That was nice, but stupid."
"We need to impress our enemies and they shall surrender by themselves!"
"I mean, that's already more of a plan than I had so…"
After remaining in the darkness for several more seconds, they emerged. Sprouting from the floor, a gigantic crystalline pillar cut through the air and mist, a rather confused John standing upon it.
"And how do I get down now?" he skeptically asked, fearfully peeking from the edge.
"Observe your King's skills!" Sombra immediately reassured.
And so, after being forced to take a hesitant step from the precipice, John saw another, slightly lower crystalline pillar arise from the ground, allowing him to slowly descend from one pillar to another.
"Oh, no… he has created stairs… This truly is the real King Sombra…"
The descent didn't last long, as before he had the time to argue, the whole crystalline structure suddenly exploded into shadows, encompassing John in its aura and making him reappear just behind one of the possessed ponies.
"Wow." he sighed, before hurriedly starting to run, as the pony had promptly turned himself and charged in horn-first.
The running didn't last long however, as yet another shadowy teleportation ensued "Stop teleporting me, for fuck's sake!" John frustratedly exclaimed, before realizing he found himself right in front of Cadence's mist-filled eyes.
He wanted to say something else, but Sombra's disembodied grimace appeared, floating in the air just before his own "ALL USURPERS SHALL PAY THE PRICE!" it yelled.
John tried reaching out for the Amulet on the Princess' neck, but was sadly interrupted, as, after yet another teleportation and a great explosion of shadows that overwhelmed the room in darkness like the greatest of eclipses, John found himself unable to see anything.
"Well, this was all very cool, but wasn't it kinda useless too?" he mused, blinking and looking around to find any signs of an attacking Cosmic Chaos.
Sombra didn't seem to appreciate the remark "How dare you doubt your King's decisions?!" he immediately indignantly exclaimed "You shall serve the capital punishment of suddenly stumbling on a small crystal!... Because in the current situation, even death penalty isn't enough…"
"And because killing myself is not something a King would do…"
And as the exclamation echoed through John's mind, with a confused "What?" he suddenly felt a small bump appearing just before his foot, the latter quickly interrupting his attempt to bolt in a random direction and forcing him to fall.
"Fuck. That's not good." he disgruntledly muttered, quickly raising his head to see that Cosmic Chaos had now emerged from the darkness and was preparing another attack.
And as the shadows dissipated completely, the situation revealed itself even more desperate. Surrounded by Cosmic Chaos and her purple mist, yet another attack about to strike him, John helplessly lied upon the ground…
"And, let me guess, it's time for a Deus Ex Machina?"
"Who are you talking to?"
"Oh, you can't… Ugh, it's complicated…"
…All of a sudden, in a bright flash of yellowish light, accompanied with the characteristic pop of a teleportation, Flurry Heart appeared amidst the throne room. Noticing the shiny Stars that ornated her parent's necks, she decided that they would be a perfect fuel for the fire in the basement, swiftly teleporting the Stars down there before anyone had the time to react.
"Wow, that's some next level bullshit save here, but not being dead is something I appreciate no matter how bullshit the reason is so... Yeah."
As the jewels touched the unholy flames, even their powerful aura couldn't stand its infernal heat. And so, the misty crystals shattering to uncountable pieces to become nothing but dust, the Stars disappeared, one last spine-chilling roar shaking the whole castle "I'LL BE BACK!"
"But, didn't I just survive these flames?" John surprised remarked, seeing the thaumatic explosion coming from the secret entrance.
"Mistakes were indeed made…"
Meanwhile, Princess Cadence was slowly regaining conscience "What happened here?..." she murmured, shocked after regaining control of her mind and seeing the apocalyptic scenery around her.
"Oops… Let's get out of here…" John swiftly decided as he noticed, immediately bolting away as fast as he could.
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Don't Be Dead... Be Alive, It's Better
"A true King does not run away!" Sombra indignantly argued as John scuttled from the remains of the ruined throne room.
"Well, I'm no King and I'll run away as much as I wish. So, it'd be nice of you to teleport me down from this castle." John replied, getting relatively close to one of the numerous halls in the walls.
"No." the other sternly responded. And as the sensation of teleportation overtook John once more, he promptly realized that instead of being free of the castle, he found himself right in front of a still shocked Cadence.
With a quick "Uhm, hey!" followed by a "I really need to go." he bolted away once more.
"I shall show them my superiority. Thus, assuring my grand and undisputable return as King of this land." Sombra confidently announced, as John found himself teleported back once more.
"Fucking hell!"
And, before he could run away again, Sombra's ethereal grin materialized itself before his own, bursting into spine-chilling laughter.
"5/10 Nice evil laugh, bad timing. We really need to go." having these thoughts, John attempted getting away again, but was prevented from doing so by an unexpected event.
Indeed, as he tried separating a foot from the ground, he saw small crystal-like formations appear on it "Wait, what?" And before he even had the time to freak out, he found himself completely encrusted and frozen in place in a huge chunk of translucent crystals.
"Well, guess I don't have the choice then…"
And as the human desperately put all of his efforts into failing to break free from his sparkly jail, Sombra's ghostly face returned once again.
"Hahaha! Free from my prison, immune to the Crystal Heart, a defeated goddess lying at my hooves. What else could bring me down this time?" he triumphantly announced.
"A lot of things actually. So, we really shouldn't stay here."
Ignoring John's remark completely, he continued "Dear Queen of the Crystals, bow before me before it is too late. Gaze upon the corpses of your defeated citizens, admire the extent of the destruction I brought upon you. Give up your throne to one worthy of its rank!"
"Well, you actually didn't do shit right here. It was mostly Cosmic Chaos and Flurry Heart…"
"Shush. Some truths better remain concealed."
"Sure…"
"And so, I, Grand King Sombra, declare this land mine as it always truly was and should have been…" As he gloriously pronounced this last line, Sombra got so absorbed into his evil monologue that he failed to notice even what was happening right in front of him.
John didn't though "Please immediately teleport me out of here." he begged, seeing the three members of the royal family collectively preparing to blast him out of this world.
"…SOMBRA HAS RE…" the other wanted to triumphantly conclude, before suddenly, a beam of pure light shot right into his floating face, traversing the crystal behind him and striking a rather panicked John within.
"Kinda makes me think of that time I tried putting on an Element of Harmony… AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
And as internal screams stirred his mind, John felt his body slowly dissolve into dust. The light was overwhelming.
"Oh, fuck it's cold…" John shuddered, opening his eyes "Wait, where am I? What just happened?" he immediately freaked out afterwards.
"Is this a dream? Nah, there's a narrator. How the fuck am I not dead, then?" he continued his questions, desperately looking around to see nothing but snow and ice for miles and miles.
Then, he heard an answer "You thought their feeble magic could defeat a King?" Sombra exclaimed, his face appeared right in front of John with a triumphant grin.
"Fuck, he's still here…"
Ignoring the remark, he continued "Well, if you did, you were right… But defeat does not mean death! Because their spell had only expelled my essence into the frozen wastes of the north. And it seems you have tagged along..."
"Or they just didn't want to actually kill you… or rather me." John pensively argued, still shuddering in the ambient cold "Because these are ponies filled with friendship and love and they're way too fucking nice to attempt a murder (or even to build a functioning civilization for that matter…)"
"That is a point I can agree with." Sombra replied, before promptly adding "Not the first part though."
"Anyway, what should I do now that I'm in the middle of a fucking frozen wasteland." John wondered taking another unfruitful panoramic glance around.
"Well, I shall return and claim back my kingdom!" Sombra immediately responded, trying to force him to move forward.
The other disagreed "No. I think I've got a better idea." he mumbled looking upwards somewhere beyond the never-ending snow "Look over there."
"That is indeed quite an impressive mountain." Sombra swiftly replied, bringing his floating gaze to the snowy summit John was referring to "But it is nothing before my might!"
"That's nice, because we need to get up there." John frustratedly sighed, seeing his breath freeze in the air "It's mount Everhoof."
"Tis a nice name, but I think I would be better as: The King's Horn." The King humbly suggested "And still, I do not see the purpose of escalating it."
"Well, you don't know the Lore , do you?" John chuckled, desperately trying to ignore how cold he actually was "There's Grogar's Bell up there. If we get it… Well… It may actually not work since I've currently got two Alicorn Amulets on me and I still can't do shit, but perhaps you can use it…"
"And why would such a glorious King as I ever need some ancient bell?" Sombra indignantly asked, returning his gaze to a quivering John.
"Well, it's pretty OP, I think." the latter explained, suppressing his shudders "Like, it can siphon magic and shit."
The other didn't seem that convinced "But I have plenty enough power by myself!" he pompously exclaimed, as a grand pillar of pitch-black crystal sprouted from the frozen ground nearby, swiftly shattering to dissolve into shadows that returned to their master in a small cloud.
Unenthusiastically observing the display, John argued "Well, the fact you and I just got obliterated and are currently freezing in the middle of all this fucking snow kinda tells me otherwise!"
After a quick second in his thoughts, Sombra finally gave up "Perhaps… And after all, a King's might can only grow so… You may be right on this one, servant."
"Great." John relievedly exhaled a small cloud of steam that immediately turned to ice "So, now can you please stop me from freezing to death."
"Of course!" the other graciously agreed "Your demise shall be prevented…"
"For now…"
"I've heard that."
"And thus, I shall bestow upon you my Royal Skiing Gear!" As the exultant words left Sombra's floating mouth, John lowered his gaze to discover a pair of striped red and black socks in his hands.
"Skiing King Sombra… Why not?" he sighed, trying to get the image out of his mind "Really though? You've just given me socks?"
"Not any socks! But the grand socks of the King himself!" Sombra proudly corrected, a wide grin on his ethereal face.
"That's cool, but uhm…"
"Fuck, the idea of Sombra with socks really brings up some other images… And I really don't wanna talk about it…"
As he was absorbed in these thoughts though, what John failed to notice was the flaming crown that floated in the air just in front of him.
"Oh, right... That's better" he contently conceded, still putting the royal socks on "But how am I supposed to put it on my head without setting my hair on fire? And wouldn't it just heat my skull more than anything else for that matter?"
"Tis ancient technology." proudly explained the other "It was enchanted to float above one's head and bring the warmth of flames to their whole flesh."
"Couldn't they just use coats or something back then?" John skeptically remarked.
"Trust me, these were far simpler times." Sombra calmly reassured.
"Well, OK I guess." John conceded, approaching his hands to the blazing crown before swiftly retracting them, feeling its heat "How do I put it on my head though? It's too hot to touch with my hands."
"We do usually use magic for such tasks, but…" Sombra grew pensive for a moment, before just encouragingly adding "I trust you to find a way to do it, my dear servant!"
With a sour "Alright." John gave the crown a pensive glance "Ah! Got an idea!" he exclaimed, trying to position himself beneath "And now, I just need to stand up and…" As if caught in an illusory gust of wind, the crown ascended along with his head.
"That already feels better…" he muttered, feeling the warmth overtake his body "A coat would have still made more sense, thought… Especially for skiing. But it's definitely less edgy so…"
As all was ready, the King gloriously commanded "And now, march in my name!"
Before executing the order however, John doubtfully mused "Can't you just teleport me to the top of the mountain though? I don't wanna walk…"
"No. I have just used my remaining mana on bestowing these socks upon you." Sombra simply replied, slight sheepishness in his green eyes.
"Nice…" John finally conceded, heading towards the distant mount through the thick cold snow.
"And since we're on for a great journey, you might as well tell your King of what was your story before your arrival into my domain." the other suggested, his ethereal grin swiftly following behind.
"Well, since you're so motivated to know that" John exasperatedly sighed "Why don't you just read my mind instead of forcing me to try explaining shit?"
"What you are suggesting is far beyond my abilities." Sombra immediately reassured, his ghostly eyes displaying overwhelming confidence.
This confidence however, didn't seem to convince John that much "It's not." he simply responded "I know you tried already."
"Perhaps" the other reluctantly admitted "But let's say that, as your noble ruler, I refuse to expose my royal mind to the licentious imagery of my regal person that I noticed within."
After a small chuckle, John mockingly sighed "That's a fancy way of saying you don't wanna look at my Internet search history. But then, I can kinda get behind it…"
"Even I mostly try to forget it…"
After a small second deep in his dark memories, John finally gave up "Ugh, fine… Since we've got plenty of time left to waste anyway… Might as well start explaining…"
Before he could say anything else though, shaking the environing snowy plains with the pure intensity of its sound alone, a grand roar suddenly echoed from somewhere behind John's back.
"Oh, fuck ..."
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
The Higher You Go... The Higher You Are
As a rather panicked John slowly turned around, what met his gaze was the gaping maw of an enormous Ursa Minor.
"Doesn't look that Minor to me!" John fearfully exclaimed, immediately bolting away.
"Well, I do not know who you said that to, but this, in fact, is an Ursa Minor." Sombra calmly remarked, his floating face swiftly following behind with ethereal ease.
"Shut up and try saving my life instead!" John anxiously yelled "I'm sure one of your crystal spike things could do the job pretty easily."
"Well, perhaps it would have. It's really such a shame I'm still out of mana for the moment." the other sighed, his tone almost mocking.
"Wait, you realize if I just get mauled to death, you'll die too, right?" John desperately asked, struggling not to slip and fall to his death.
"Or that's what you think." the other simply responded, a content smirk appearing on his ghostly face.
Giving a quick glance to the creature behind and noticing it was rapidly getting closer with murderous intents, John accelerated "Don't wanna test that theory…"
And as the human could almost feel the enormous creature's breath on his neck, Sombra suddenly spoke again "And yet, you will!" he boisterously exclaimed "Truth is, the game was rigged from the start! Hahahaha!" The Ursa Minor's suddenly stopped in slight confusion and curiosity. The other went on "I've been planning to abandon you from the very moment I met you, pathetic mortal! Sacrifice in your King's name shall be considered your greatest honor!..."
"Yeah, yeah please continue like this…" John desperately mused, seeing the immense stellar bear perplexedly turn its ears and then it's whole head towards Sombra's monologuing form.
"… Yes! There is no escape! No intervention shall save you from your faith! Argh, these mortals and their intoxicating innocence, it will never cease amazing me!…" as the King continued his speech, what he failed to notice was the complete switch of focus that now occurred on the Ursa Minor's part.
Indeed, diverting its attention from the terrified John, it rapidly decided that this noisy floating head was way more interesting and already prepared for a grand lunge in its direction.
Meanwhile, with a relieved "Phew" John still decided that flight was the best option at the moment, running away as fast as he could and leaving Sombra talk to himself in peace.
"…And thus, I proclaim this vile body that you once called yours, my vessel for the duration of my infinite reign! LONG LIVE…" the King was finally interrupted by the sensation of the raging Ursa Minor rampaging through his ghostly form. Looking around to see John's faint silhouette on the horizon, he rapidly realized what happened.
"BE DAMNED YOU, UNTHANKFUL SLAVE!" he furiously yelled as his disembodied face reappeared next to John, startling him on his course.
"Fuck! Don't scare me like that!" the latter immediately exclaimed, stumbling out of fear and almost falling to the frozen ground "It's not my fault if you're stupid!"
"How dare you call your King stupid?" Sombra immediately quizzed in extreme indignance "I shall immediately teleport you back to your certain demise and… Except I do not have enough mana for it…" he quickly realized, ending off on a heated "Curse you, mortal!"
"Ah, why can't I just get along with people…" John sourly wondered, starting to slowly get back to his walking speed "And why is everyone I meet either dumb or a complete asshole?"
"…" …
"Wow, you actually coordinated that … with the narrator, that's pretty impressive…"
"I may despise you to an extreme extent from now on, but my royal self still cannot help but feel compelled about who this narrator you sometimes refer to is." Sombra finally asked after a second in silence.
"Oh, right you still don't know shit…" John frustratedly sighed, attempting to find a rock to kick but failing to do so "Actually, you know what? I'll tell you whatever you want as long as you promise to teleport me right on top of that mountain as soon as you get the necessary mana."
"Hmm… A tempting deal…" the other mused "I do crave for the truth as much as I seek your unaltered doom…" after several seconds in thought-filled silence, he finally gave up "I accept. The contract is sealed. You have a King's promise."
"That of the King of Malevolence…" he added to himself.
With a faint "Cool" John started mentally preparing for a logical explanation.
"Please stop with those edgy, thoughts. We all know you're a good boy!" he concurrently added, swiftly landing an affectionate pat on Sombra's ethereal head.
The latter remained stunned for a moment.
Meanwhile, John gave out a small sigh, trying to rearrange the chaos in his mind "Alright, so firstly, who am I?..." he indifferently started, taking a second to actually process the question.
"Wait, like really, who am I at this point?" he immediately wondered to himself.
And so, except a few philosophical questionings of the same kind, John continued to…
"Wait a minute, narrator. You aren't skipping that extremely important part where I just talk about things I've explained like four times already, are you? It's the essence of my character and… Nah, honestly that's probably the best thing to do…"
"Who did you say that to?"
"I'll get to that…"
After quite a long while of useless digressions and existential crises, it seemed the tale finally came to its end as John unenthusiastically concluded with a last "Yeah, so that's essentially why the Sun is a potato."
After thorough consideration of what he just heard and slight doubts of its authenticity…
"Hey, how dare you doubt what I just said! It's perfectly believable."
…Sombra finally replied with a firm "So, basically, you are an idiot."
"Couldn't really sum it up any better." John lightly sighed, bringing his gaze to the mount he was walking towards for hours now without visibly getting any closer "So, now that I'm done, can you please teleport me up there? I'm so bored of walking…"
"Of course, human. A King's promise is never untrue." As the words left Sombra's ethereal mouth, John felt himself overtaken by shadows…
"Yeah, yeah… Mist teleportation thing. You can't indefinitely explain the same shit and make it sound different and exciting each time, you know?"
…
John got teleported to the top of Mount Everhoof.
"Yeah, exactly what I meant, just go straight to the point."
With a faint "Cool" he took a quick glance around "Looks like a nice place."
"Ah, I remember now." Sombra suddenly mumbled "The icy winds of this peak had claimed the lives of many of those who dared think themselves capable of climbing its unforgiving rocks…"
"Well, seems they forgot about teleportation, eh?" John mockingly remarked, taking a quick glance down from the edge "Anyway, let's try to steal this bell."
Backing off from the cliffside, he directed his gaze towards the gaping maw of a cave that stood atop the peak, a potent magical barrier guarding its entrance.
Getting closer to the latter, he had a quick glance around. Then he punched it.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed, as absolutely nothing, but mild pain resulted from this action "Well, that didn't work."
So, he took a rock from the ground and hit it with the rock. Nothing happened.
"Fuck, this thing's tougher than I thought!" he frustratedly exclaimed throwing the rock away into the snow.
"Hey Sombra, can you help me and punch this thing or something!" he called out after yet another unsuccessful attempt at breaking the barrier, this time with an icicle. The other didn't seem to be around.
"And, where are you?" John immediately asked, scanning the surroundings. Before he could shout any further however, Sombra's face reappeared just in front of him, the Bell held in his magic "You shouldn't forget about teleportation."
After swiftly performing a facepalm, John frustratedly mumbled "Fuck, it seems I'm not really better at this than most of the show's villains."
All of a sudden, the vague sound of bells resounded through the air "Wait, why do I hear boss music?"
The Bell in Sombra magic too started to emanate with strange powers that even he could not withhold. He was forced to drop it in the thick snow as it produced a clear Ding. "What is this sorcery?" he immediately exclaimed in confusion.
"I have come to reclaim what's mine." an ancient voice echoed from nowhere and everywhere at once.
"This was unexpected."
A second later, the figure of a sinister ram appeared amidst the snow. Its glowing red eyes flickered "This Bell is mine."
"No! This artifact is property of the King!" Sombra immediately argued, attempting to take the bell with his magic once more but failing to do so.
"Huh, thought you didn't give a fuck about it."
"If such creature comes to yield it, there must truly be great power within."
"Good point."
"Hey, you're Grogar, right?" John suddenly called out "Wait, don't answer, I already know. But are you, like, the real Grogar, or just Discord in disguise?"
Grogar stopped "What did you say?" he sternly asked, turning his gaze from Sombra's ethereal figure to John who was hiding behind. His eyes seemed to pierce the human's soul.
"Ouch, don't pierce my soul!" John muttered, diverting his own eyes "Like, in the show, the real Grogar doesn't even show up. So, are you even supposed to exist?" he perplexedly explained, the explanation visibly not satisfying his interlocutor "But then, there's no logical reason for Discord to do this now so… Yeah…"
"You dare doubt my might?" Grogar ruthlessly asked as John felt his head slowly turn in the ram's direction, their gazes locked in a sinister staring contest once again.
"Hey, be careful, I'm pretty good at staring duels!" John yelped, shifting in desperate attempts to escape "Still, I've got no proof you're a thing right now so…"
With the corner of his vision, John noticed Sombra's ethereal figure suddenly disappear along with the bell. "Goodbye." he heard the King's voice within his mind.
And as Grogar finally snapped charging a blast and shouting a "YOU'LL LEARN TO RESPECT ONES GREATER THAN YOU!" a booming roar suddenly filled the air.
This time, it wasn't an animal roar though, because as soon as the ram turned his head towards its origin, they both found themselves buried under a devastating avalanche.
"Fuck…"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Tops... They Must be Stopped
Fuck.
"U topian approaching top velocity! Auxiliary iso tope engines engaged! "
Oh, god, what is this again?
"Au topilot disengaged. Analyzing topical topography. "
I'm tempted to ask where am I, but I fear it's not that hard to guess…
I don't like this.
"Immediate general mee top in Des top quarters! "
Fuck, I was right, I'm in the Top spaceship.
Oh and, wait, that planet over there looks familiar…
Oh no… I don't wanna think about this possibility...
I'm kinda curious what they're planning at their meeting now…
"WARNING! WARNING! INFILTRA TOP DETECTED ON TOP! "
Well, seems they'll find me before that…
"Storm toppers deployed. General vigilance a topted. "
That's some scary levels of security on this thing, what the fuck?
"Glory to Utopia! "
Fuck, where did these tops with suits and lasers guns come from?
No! Don't kill me!
"Au topsic approach denied. Infilta top s topped. "
Wait, where are you taking me?
No, please don't!
"You are under arrest. By order of the Des top. "
Oh no, what the fuck are they going to do to me?
"Mee top unstopped. Infiltra top delivered. "
Where the hell did I end up?
"Ah, the human! "
Wait, really? It's that top from my shitty dream?
"See? I was right all along! The Tops are superior to all! And your pitiful world will soon see our superiority! "
This is ridiculous.
"Well, say whatever you want! As your world burns before the great U topian Empire! "
Yeah, this is probably just a dream.
"You are of no use to me now! Storm toppers, eliminate the infiltra top! "
Well, guess I'll die…
"Argh…" John painedly grunted as his consciousness finally returned "Oh, fuck… I forgot where I fainted… It's dark already…"
Slowly attempting to get up and having a quick glance around, he realized he was now at the bottom of a small snowy crater, only a glimpse of the nocturnal sky visible through the hole at its top "Wait, why? Oh, right, I got that heating crown thing: the snow just melted around me."
"Which makes me wonder… Hey Sombra, you're still here?" he exclaimed after giving a quick glance to the magical artifact atop his head.
"Yes…" the King's voice unenthusiastically replied in his mind.
"But sadly, so are you…"
"Great. So, firstly, that's not a nice thought to have. Secondly, thanks for saving my life with this crown. There was no way I survived that avalanche otherwise. And finally, did you end up getting away with the bell? Cause, it would be quite helpful if you did." John immediately asked as he heard Sombra's voice.
"Let's simply say that avalanches weren't exactly part of my plan…" the other unhappily started "Neither really was this Grogar, actually. And then, I was never expecting him to not only survive this but also immediately expel me back into your head and leave through a portal of darkness along with the Bell without even giving me a chance."
"Yeah, so basically, everything failed." John sourly concluded after Sombra stopped talking.
"Yes, I couldn't really sum it up better."
"OK, so the first thing to do now, would probably be to get out of here." John sighed after giving another panoramic glance to his snowy prison "Could you maybe… I don't know… teleport me somewhere else? I really don't have any ideas of where to go next though…"
"Honestly, neither do I." Sombra sourly admitted after a moment "All of these defeats only go to show how weak of King I truly am… Unworthy…"
Suddenly something in the small portion of night sky he could see caught John's attention "Sorry to interrupt your depressed monologue" he hesitantly started, squinting at the endless space above "But I think that star over there is getting bigger…"
"A falling star? I think I once heard a legend about these…" Sombra pensively announced, his tone still rather grim.
"No, no, no, I think this is something different" John interrupted now putting all of his efforts into identifying the luminous dot "Oh my god, please no…"
Because as it slowly got closer, the shape of the object finally became apparent: it was a top.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
"What is there in this star that bothers you so much?" Sombra confusedly asked, perplexed by John's strange hatred towards this unidentified flying object.
"Because it's not a fucking star!" the other snapped "It's a spaceship full of warmongering sentient tops! Yeah, I know this sounds completely stupid, but that's because it is!" he irately explained, concurrently attempting and failing to climb on top of the snow.
"Are you sure this avalanche didn't damage some of your… mental functions?" Sombra skeptically asked after a small hesitation.
"Fuck off!" John shouted back, reiterating his attempts at climbing "And teleport me on top of this snow or something instead!"
The celestial object was getting bigger. If its course wasn't to change, it was now apparent it would crash somewhere in the immediate surroundings.
Meanwhile, after hesitantly deciding that this human wasn't to be messed with, at the moment, Sombra executed the order, making John reappear on top a small rock formation pointing out of the thick layer of snow.
"Thanks." John shortly dismissed, his gaze continuously fixing the rapidly approaching object.
And a second later, the object fell. Or rather it seemed to fall, but rather gracefully landed on the snowy mountain top, masterfully stopping and changing course just an instant before reaching the ground. A small door opened.
"Glory to U topia! Surrender or be eliminated! " the prerecorded message resounded from within, its voice slightly strange, especially when it pronounced the word U topia .
"What is this sorcery?" Sombra confusedly wondered at this sight.
"Phew… it's not as big as I thought…" John concurrently sighed in relief, eyeing the rather small spaceship "Teleport me in there, quick!" he commanded immediately afterwards.
Sombra didn't have the courage nor the strength to argue against, because as smaller top-like creatures exited the ship, John already found himself just at their doors.
"Fuck, they've got rifles…" he muttered, swiftly kicking one and taking a hold of its weapon "I mean, it's top-rifles that also look like tops."
"Topposition is futile! " one of the creatures squeaked, attempting to fire its weapon, but taking a shot into its top half before it had any time to react. Stains of melted plastic splattered on the wall behind it.
"That was a shitty joke."
John didn't stop here. As the creatures were quite small, he easily took one by its upper part before violently slamming it into another. Synthetic shards scattered on the ground as they both partially shattered.
"What in hell is currently happening?" Sombra's confused voice echoed through John's mind.
"I'm saving the fucking world!" he anxiously replied, smashing yet another top to pieces.
"Alright. I'll just go with this explanation…"
Meanwhile, John determinedly entered the top-ship's interior "Actually, I've got no idea of what I'm doing."
The sound of a shooting laser rifle swiftly interrupted his determination. Gladly, it missed. And as John rushed towards its origin, swiftly kicking the top soldier to a side, he heard something bigger approaching "Fuck, what is it going to be?"
Shaking the ship's ground, from behind the corner emerged an especially huge top that looked even more synthetic than most of its compatriots "EX TOPMINATE! " it announced in a robotic voice, before opening a compartment in its top shell from which extended another top-like appendage with a red dot on its end.
The dot gradually grew redder as the thing charged an offensive blast.
With a distressed "Fuck." John rushed towards it, attempting to punch through its armor.
"Ouch!" he immediately exclaimed as the move miserably failed.
After dodging the top-droid's laser, John swiftly picked up the gun of a fallen top-soldier "Please, die. That'd be very nice of you." he suggested, rapidly taking aim and shooting at the top. The shot bounced off the thing's armor, leaving it completely unharmed.
As another trepid "Fuck." escaped him, John suddenly remembered about Sombra's existence "Oh, right! Sombra, could you please make this thing over there slightly less alive?" he pleadingly asked.
His brain still attempting and failing to process the current situation, the other only responded after a small second "Oh, yes. Right. Your Kings brain somewhat phased out into another dimension that makes slightly more sense, but I'm now gladly back." he confusedly mumbled.
"Kill it!" John simply yelled in response as the mecha-top was starting to accelerate its fire rate, making it quite complicated to dodge.
"Alright, I shall smite it in my great glory." Sombra triumphantly declared as a crystal spike arose from the floor right beneath the mechanical creature. This spike however, immediately shattered as it touched the thing's armor "Or perhaps not." Sombra much less triumphantly added at the sight.
"Pff, after all, it was a spike. Nothing surprising in the fact it was useless." John mockingly though before almost getting obliterated by a laser.
Gladly, he didn't. So, with a small yelp, he resumed his clumsy yet effective dodges, concurrently thinking about his subsequent strategy "So how the fuck am I supposed to destroy this thing? It's a top. How do you beat a top?" he stopped for a second to reconsider this statement "That's not a helpful question… Wait, actually, I just need to topple it! That should do it! I mean, there's the word top in top ple, if that's not a valid argument, I don't know what is."
With a small shrug, he continued "Like, I just go up to it, climb on top and stop this top by top pling it. It may be utop istic, but I'd say that's a tip-top plan that’ll stop me from seeing my autop sy as an ectop lasm."
…
"I agree, the sheer number of top puns in this last sentence made me worthy of the death penalty."
But despite his blatant lack of any concept of comedy, John didn't get smited by the gods of this world and instead, put his plan into action,
Gladly, it worked out quite well, because, perhaps due to it being somewhat stunned by the top puns that John just pronounced, the robot stopped its attacks, allowing him to get to it quite easily. And, as the human tried climbing on its side, confusing the machine even further, the whole thing swiftly lost balance and heavily fell to the ground, completely unable to move.
"Hah! Get defeated by the power of cheesy puns!" John triumphantly exclaimed, before barely dodging an obliterating laser "Yeah, it's still alive, I better leave."
So, he did just that. Going through the ship's main corridor, John carefully looked around. Gladly, aside from another small squad of top-soldiers, the path was mostly clear. And as he arrived into the control room, he was met by the ship's top-captain.
"S top! You won't get me alive! " the animated top desperately exclaimed; a laser rifle firmly held against its plastic side where its head would have been if it was a logically constructed creature "This ship was but a scout. The U topian is coming. We are uns toppable! Glory to U topia, hail the Great Des top! " it shouted its final words, before the light flash of the laser rifle accompanied with a splatter of plastic on the wall interrupted it. It dropped on the ground, never to move again.
"Was this supposed to be a dramatic suicide scene revolving about a fucking top?" John perplexedly asked a short instant later "Because this was completely stupid."
"I must agree with you on this point." Sombra added in much the same tone, still failing to make any sense of the situation.
"Anyway, we cleared this thing out! This ship's mine!" John excitedly exclaimed, eagerly glancing around the control room.
All of a sudden, a grand explosion resounded outside. Looking through the ship's window, John saw a multicolored shockwave approaching "Oh, I think I know what this is…"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Accord... Not To Be Confused With A Cord
As he perplexedly looked through the top-ship's window, John saw the rainbow shockwave approach and finally wash over the mountains, disappearing somewhere beyond Equestria's borders.
"Welcome to harmony." an unfamiliar yet extremely soothing voice resounded in John's mind as the wave passed.
"Hey, Accord, mah dude! I was just waiting for you to attempt possessing me!" John cheerfully responded.
"Wait, who is this?" Sombra immediately asked afterwards "I may be your King, which makes me wise even beyond my impressive years, but still, being attacked by sentient tops and now having some new voice appear within my mind… There are still things even I cannot whelm…"
"Well, I could explain it…" John unenthusiastically started before suddenly getting interrupted.
"I am Accord, great Draconequus of Order and you should surrender your conscience to me. We shall all live in perfect harmony as one." the unknown voice insisted.
"Nah, I'm good." John quickly reassured, before resuming "Yeah, so that's basically the opposite of Discord. Like, you know, the Lord of Chaos? So, he's trying to make the word into perfect order by basically possessing every single living being."
"Oh, that is an extremely unwise decision. What world a world without a King be?" Sombra immediately argued.
"A beautiful world." Accord's voice responded, its tones echoing through John's consciousness like the softest of melodies "Imagine a realm free of chaos, of war, of pain, of sadness… of free will. The incarnation of a perfect reality birthed in the light of the Elements themselves. Join it. To resist is futile."
Somehow, this voice was making John's mind a bit hazy. He steadied himself.
"Just ignore him. Starlight should just fix everything in about a minute…" it was then that a realization struck the human "Fuck. Starlight isn't going to fix shit. I stopped her from becoming good… This is bad."
"In my world, there will be no such thing as bad. Join it. Harmony is waiting." the voice made John's mind go ever so slightly numb once again. He could feel his conscience escaping.
"Fuck."
When, all of a sudden, Sombra's voice returned him to reality…
"Thanks…"
"What are you talking about? This is completely stupid!" the King indignantly intervened "The only reason the ponies of this world exist is to serve me or be destroyed! There is nothing on Equestria that surpasses my greatness and the only thing ponies are deserving to unite under is my grand and unaltered rule! So, bow before me, whoever you are. The King has…"
Suddenly, the King got interrupted "There is no need to fight the truth. Resistance is…"
"YOU DARE INTERRRUPT ME?!" Sombra suddenly yelled back, interrupting even the intangible Draconequus "You, measly peasant! Your unwise plans are but a reflection of how inferior you are to my overwhelming greatness! There is no pleasure in perfect harmony. When day breaks, I shall stand upon my throne and this land shall see that the one true leader of Equestria is none else than Sombra and not some kind of mind-infecting imposter!"
"Yeah! What he said!" John uncertainly added.
A faint sigh echoed through John's mind "And once more, it is clear that rejecting truth only brings forth despair and anger. Why hurt yourself, why resign from a perfect future? And the choice never even was yours. The time has come to accept your faith." the Draconequus voice was comforting, it was as a sweat bait in the maw of a devious trap.
"No." John simply responded.
The other had nothing to say.
"Hah! Gotcha on this one, don't I? What are you going to respond now, eh?" the human triumphantly exclaimed.
"You are wrong and you shall soon see it. There is no escape from reality."
A small silence took over before John suddenly had an idea.
"Wait, I think I have a great strategy against him." he suddenly announced, before casually calling out "Hey, Accord, accord ing to all known laws of aviation, you should shut the fuck up."
After giving out a small chuckle to his own terrible joke, he continued "Hey, Accord, guess I know what's your favorite instrument is: the accord ion. Hey, Accord, I bet when you play the guitar, it sounds like shit, because you're missing a cord …"
As an awkward silence filled John's mind once again, Sombra unsurely asked "Uhm… Sorry to interrupt you but, is your strategy really just to overwhelm him with bad puns about his name?"
"I don't know, it worked on a mech just several minutes ago, why wouldn't it work on a god… that is basically invincible and omnipotent and… I don't know, you've got better ideas?"
A regretful though went through his mind "Fuck, that's the moment Cosmic Chaos would have been useful… I still miss her in moments like that..."
"Do not fear! You do not need any Cosmic Chaos for your King is here and he has a great plan!" Sombra immediately reassured, overwhelming confidence in his voice.
"Amazing…"
"Listen here, you, disgraceful deity." the King coarsely called out "I may not know who you exactly are, but I do know who I am. And I am your King. Thus, you should obey your supreme leader and immediately cease all attempts at enslaving the universe. This is my job. So now, leave this head immediately, as your King commands it."
"No. "
John gave out a small chuckle "Why was I expecting exactly this to happen…"
"There are no Kings now. None rules and none obeys. We are all one harmonious whole. Join it." It seemed other voices mixed in with Accord's. This harmony seemed so enticing. The Draconequus was right.
"Wait, the narrator wouldn't say that… Did he just take control of the narrator now? Like, what?" questions swirled within John's mind. His psyche continued to push away the truth "Oh, yeah. He's a Draconequus, almost forgot. That's still extremely creepy though."
"It's a good thing I don't hear him then…" King Sombra sternly added, not knowing how wrong he was.
"Yep, we need to deal with the situation fast." John nervously concluded, observing his surroundings without much hope.
"There is no need to hurry. The only deliverance comes with surrender." Accord's voice repeated, almost hypnotizing.
"OK, this conversation is going circles, it's starting to get boring." John sighed in denial .
"Indeed." as the singular word echoed through the human's mind, he felt the hazy sensation overwhelm him even further. Reality was starting to slip from his minds' grasp, replaced with pure and unaltered harmony and order…
"Wait, wait, wait, no!" he suddenly exclaimed, pushing this sweet haziness back for the fraction of a second "That's not fair! I didn't give my shitty speech full of vaguely emotional bullshit that's supposed to suddenly convert you into Discord yet."
"Alright, fair enough" the other yieldingly agreed, easing his benevolent grasp of John's mind "I am listening to your arguments even though they are all obviously but the sickly ramblings of a lost soul."
"Perhaps." John sourly started "But, you know, harmony isn't just mind-controlling everyone to become one and the same, it is many different notes all coming together to make something greater…" he pensively pronounced.
"But then, I kinda copied this sentence from the comics and it really has more coolness to it than actual meaning so…" John gave out a small sheepish sigh.
"My point is, how are you going to survive without being able to summon chocolate rain and giant popsicles? If I had this kind of power, there's no way I'm giving it up to take over the world. Like, what's the point in living if you can't even transform Princess Celestia into a cake? Well, I sure can't do that and still don't know what the point my life is…"
Contently clearing his throat, he unsurely asked "So, was my shitty speech convincing enough?"
The haziness retreated. It seemed the Draconequus was deep in his thoughts.
"Come on! It wasn't that bad! I've seen worse redemption speeches in the show!... Or maybe not, but still!" John insisted.
"Yes, what is the point?" he heard Accords' voice doubtful as never before "Why live in a world where every single soul is as alone as it is identical? There is no point in perfect harmony…" the Draconequus paused, before, all of a sudden, a cheerful exclamation replaced his monotone voice "But there is a point in chocolate rain! Yay! Free flying cupcakes for everyone! Discord is back! Long live me!"
Then, it all grew quiet. Accord was gone as suddenly as he arrived.
"OK, now that we're done with this…" John started with an enthusiastic sigh "Wait a minute, this is exactly what I was waiting for! " he excitedly exclaimed, met with nothing but a confused silence on Sombra's part.
"Oh, and I may add that I just saved the world three times in the last two days, so yeah, thank me later Equestria!" John enthusiastically exclaimed "I mean, that's kinda the opposite of what I wanted to do, but… Fuck, how incompetent of a villain can I be…" he sourly added after a second.
"Extremely incompetent." Sombra immediately replied as his ghostly head appeared in John's front "Not even a single hint of slavery in your actions, what a waste…"
Ignoring the remark, John decided to concentrate on the important part "So, how does this thing work?" he determinedly wondered, pensively leaning over the top-ship's control panel and starting to mindlessly press random buttons.
"I need to immediately get to the Everfree Forest." A small flashing red light turned on above the pilot's seat. The ship started to shake.
"Amazing, I think I managed to turn it on." John contently exclaimed, proceeding to look for anything resembling a steering wheel.
"Are you sure piloting this thing is a wise decision?" Sombra hesitantly asked, eyeing the multitude of colorful buttons "Or you could at least let your King demonstrate his piloting skills since for now, the skills you demonstrated weren't extremely promising in any domain..."
"You wanna try to pilot this thing?" John skeptically replied with a small smirk "You know what, as long as we crash in the vague direction of the Everfree Forest, it's fine with me. You're free to go."
And as the alien machine slowly lifted itself off the ground, Sombra's ghostly head floated closer to the console "You see, I am in fact quite proficient in such mechanical affairs." he confidently started.
"Indeed, I, unlike most ponies, have already driven a bicycle which honestly has somewhat the same piloting system as here." Sombra calmly explained, with a content grin on his face "Of course, driving a bicycle isn't the greatest of your King's achievements, but it definitely is up there." with these enthusiastic words, John saw Sombra's red magical aura ignite around one of the control panel's button, as he pressed it.
"And now, if my calculations are correct. We should normally move in that direction." he continued, attempting a hand gesture in the direction he referred to but failing due to his current lack of hands.
The button press did have its effect though. Indeed, it caused the ship to immediately stop hovering and heavily slam back into the ground "It seems my calculations were incorrect after all…" Sombra sourly remarked at the sight "Do not worry though! A true King never surrenders!"
As he saw Sombra attempt pressing some other buttons in no particular order, John decided to intervene "Perhaps you could try that big joystick over there?" he carefully suggested.
As the aircraft rose into the air once again, Sombra turned his gaze in the direction John was indicating "Indeed, that was actually my plan all along!" he immediately reassured with a sheepish smile, swiftly encompassing the thing in his magic.
It was the right call…
"Nice."
…The ship now crashed about a hundred feet further to the South.
"OK, I'm getting bored." John impatiently announced "Let me just press some random buttons and I'm sure we'll end up somewhere." and so, he did.
Only mildly slowed down by Sombra's indignant "Hey, I thought we agreed that's my job!" it wasn't long before every single glowing button on the control panel was pressed and more than once.
The ship started shaking even more than before "Fuck, that's probably not good."
It slowly started ascending off the ground, gradually accelerating at exponential rates. And as, with a nervous "Oh no…" John lightly touched the joystick, concurrently ripping it from Sombra's magic, the ship moved forward at such speed that the outside world became nothing but a grand mix of badly blending colors.
A second later, it all stopped, the short-awaited collision with the ground as hard as it was salvaging. Airbags popped from every possible direction.
"Fuck, I think we're here…" John painedly mumbled, struggling to get a look through the shattered window.
A second later, Sombra's ghostly head floated through a wall "We definitely are in the Everfree Forest, but even I dislike the part we're in…" he sourly announced.
"Oh no, don't tell me we're in the…" John regretfully started, images of sentient trees and unending lectures going through his mind.
He was rapidly interrupted by Sombra's despaired though "Yes, we're in the nesting grounds! The worst of the worst! The part of these godforsaken woods where the tiniest of creatures gather to give birth to their even tinier counterparts! God, all this chirping and squeaking! All it makes me want to do is devour these small fleshlings in front of their parents just to make it stop!" Sombra theatrically exclaimed, an explosion of crystalline shards emanating from his horn due to the sheer strength of his anger and and overall hopelessness.
"Oh, that's not what I was thinking about…" John relievedly sighed in the meantime "I guess we shouldn’t even be that far from Fluttershy's house then… and so, from Discord. My plan is all coming together…"
Author's Note
For those of you who don't read the IDW Comics and don't have any idea of who was this Accord the beginning of this chapter vaguely revolved around, here's a link to his wiki page.
https://villains.fandom.com/wiki/Accord
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
A Plan is All You Need to Succeed... Or At Least to Successfully Fail
Attempting to get out of the crashed top-ship John heard fussing and curious chirping outside.
"It seems the weaklings are gathering to observe our fall…" Sombra grimly remarked as he heard the noise.
"Could you please help me to get out of here instead of overdramatically commenting complete shit?" John skeptically suggested, immediately finding himself teleported outside.
With a quick "Thanks" he took a panoramic glance of his surroundings "Yep, that's exactly what I imagined" a second later however, he noticed something else approaching from the distant trees "Oh yes, a random encounter! Should I roll for initiative?"
Not giving any mind to the careless humming in the distance, Sombra rapidly replied with a confused "What?"
"Yeah, I'll immediately stop it with the DnD jokes…" John quickly decided with a regretful sigh.
Meanwhile, the humming stopped, a terrified silhouette appeared to be trembling behind an adjacent tree.
Sombra completely ignored it once more "You know, this does not make it any clearer to me." he simply shrugged despite his lack of shoulders.
"Anyway , that's nothing important." John sheepishly dismissed "What is important though, is the fact I probably shouldn't stay here. Don't wanna be seen." With these words, he didn't waste any more time bolting into the forest, as a rather bewildered Fluttershy cowered behind the nearest tree.
"Great." John mumbled as he ran "Discretion appears be my greatest quality once again."
All of a sudden however, an idea came to his mind "Wait, I think I should come back, I forgotten to do something." he pensively exclaimed, stopping, rapidly changing direction and bolting off towards where he came from.
"What are you doing now? Could you at least settle of whether you are a complete coward or slightly less of one?" Sombra confusedly asked, as he observed John's strange maneuver.
"No, I clearly am a coward" the other calmly reassured "It's just that I need to clarify something."
As he was getting closer to the clearing, Sombra's floating head had the thoughtfulness of disappearing "You really should consider dying pretty soon, because currently, your head is by far the strangest place I've ever been." his pensive voice resounded within John's head "I would have loved to be conquering kingdoms instead of indecisively running through forests right now."
John wanted to argue something, but was sadly interrupted by a tangled root that made him stumble.
"And this is why you should at least be concentrated on the running while doing so…" Sombra cynically remarked as he fell.
The one John accidentally fell onto wasn't as happy about it though. As, with a tiny panicked yelp, utter terror on her face, Fluttershy barely dodged John's falling embrace.
"Oh, and in addition, all this unnecessary disregard for a delicate mare. Argh, such unworthiness…"
"That's an interesting comment coming from someone whose whole empire was based on slavery…" John dismissively retorted, hearing a displeased grunt in place of a response "And, by the way, narrator? Could you please stop it with all these attempts to ship me with every single living creature of this world?" he hopefully added after a second, visibly talking to the air.
Another second later, Sombra gave out a pensive grunt "I may not get what the word ship means, I somewhat feel like, whoever this mysterious narrator you are talking to is, did not ship you with me yet. Does this mean I am for some reason unworthy?" he concernedly asked with great seriousness.
Pure unease splattered all over John's face, he simply gave out a small nervous sigh, responding with a short but heavily insistent "No."
Blankly staring at the air for a second, John decided that returning his gaze to the panicked Fluttershy that already started timidly fleeing the further away from him possible was the best thing to do.
"Hey, don't run away!" he indignantly called out, gaining eye contact with the cowering mare "That's my job!"
The other stopped as if petrified. "Perfect. So, before I awkwardly flee again, could you please tell me when are you planning on having a tea with Discord in his realm?" he preoccupiedly asked.
"W-Well… I-I d-don't know." the pony timidly stuttered "I didn't plan anything. Is he…"
"Today! You do it today! Like, go see him immediately!" John harshly cut her off "OK, now that's this is settled, I need to go creepily stalk you, bye!" with these words, ending them on a determined nod, John even more determinedly bolted into the forest.
"Mission complete!" he joyfully exclaimed, as the cheerful clearing disappeared behind the dark veil of the woods "And I should stop now or I'll get lost in the forest again…" he anxiously added a second later.
"And what exactly was the point of terrifying that pony like this?" Sombra skeptically asked within his head "Don't get me wrong, I'm a great fan of such actions, but it still seemed quite unnecessary at the moment."
"It's all part of my great plan." John explained "And now, while I'm walking in the middle of the forest without any clue of where I actually am, is probably the perfect moment for me to tell it to you."
"Aren't you supposed to tell it to the heroes?" Sombra unsurely asked, his ghostly head appearing from the forest's darkness once again.
"Well, yeah, but… I'm really not sure I'll have the occasion to, so… I think you're good enough…" John hesitantly admitted with a sheepish smile.
"Alright, your King is listening then." the other agreed with a small sigh.
"Never have I even heard of someone as incompetent in evil deeds as this creature…"
John decided to ignore that last remark "So," he enthusiastically started instead "You see, this Accord we defeated when he tried getting into my head, he actually was Discord."
Met with an even more skeptic frown from Sombra he quickly dismissed it "Argh, it's complicated, I don't wanna explain. The point is, the transformation he went through made his link with the Chaos Realm along with his powers weaker, at least for a short time." John continued, finishing the sentence on a radiant smile.
"And now, if I simply get into the Chaos Realm and stay there long enough while he stays in this world, I should become linked with the realm myself and thus, become Lord of Chaos!" he enthusiastically concluded, passionately waving his hands.
Sombra didn't seem that convinced though "And what exactly allows you to claim all this?" he skeptically quizzed as the human finished.
"Well, I've read the comics." John simply replied, not giving this justification a second though.
"The what?"
The question made him reconsider his statement "Uhm, I mean, the mystical tomes expounding the inner workings of the Chaos Realm and its linking with Chaos Magic." he quickly corrected himself, hesitantly emphasizing every word of his made-up explanation.
"Well in this case, it seems like an excellent plan." Sombra enthusiastically agreed, only adding a proud "Though becoming a Lord only seems like a demotion from being a King."
"Yeah, but… That's probably the least of problems we currently have…" John simply dismissed "Like, for once, I still need to get somewhere near Fluttershy's cottage right now. I really wouldn't want to miss the opportunity."
"Then, you should probably go that way." Sombra neutrally suggested nodding towards a small path in the woods.
"That seems like an alright idea." John agreed, heading there.
It wasn't…
"Wait, w-what do you mean?"
…as, at the very second he turned his head into the paths' direction, a ferocious Cockatrice emerged from the woods, its petrifying gaze as vivacious as it was deadly.
John didn't have the time to react "Oh no, oh fuck! I'm turning into stone!" he panickily exclaimed, attempting to divert his gaze, but it was already too late.
"That's just unfair… Argh…" and as the last inch of John's head became as stiff as a rock, the transformation being accompanied with a cynical "This isn't the kind of death I was hoping for…" from Sombra, nothing more than a scared statue stood on the path through the Everfree woods.
"Ugh, I can't even move now, why couldn't he have died normally like everypony does? This is all extremely unfortunate…"
"Oh, god, what happened? My head feels like shit, what is this?" John mumbled as he slowly opened his eyes "What? Did I faint, I don't remember that… And I didn't even dream…" as small glance of his surroundings refreshed his memory.
"What? No! Where the fuck even am I?" he confusedly exclaimed, wildly stirring in the midst of a cozy small cottage.
All of a sudden, a soft voice interrupted his ramblings "Poor critter, you looked so scared. Come on now, everything is alright, he won't hurt you."
Immediately jerking his head towards the sound, John saw Fluttershy affectionately petting the very creature that almost killed him what seemed like seconds ago.
A faint "Excuse me?" was the only reaction he could master.
The other turned her heard towards him "Oh, you're finally awake. Whatever you are, please, don't go out in the woods like that, you're scaring all the little ones." she calmly advised, John's wild gaze meeting hers.
Trying and failing to process the information, John blankly stared at the air "Yes, she saved you and I somewhat helped." Sombra's voice enounced in his head.
Cutting his own entangled thoughts off with a faint "OK" John decided to get back to the important questions "So, is the tea with Discord scheduled?" he briskly asked, returning his gaze to Fluttershy.
The other mostly responded with a disapproving frown. Someone else did seem quite enthusiastic about the possibility however.
His head appearing out of a small portal in the air, the Draconequus himself cheerfully exclaimed "Tea with me? Who came up with this great idea?"
"A portal. It's my chance."
Before Discord got any kind of response, John discourteously grabbed him by the neck, pulling his strangely light, serpentine body outside of the portal before he had any time to react.
And at the very second the path became free, he immediately proceeded to jump into the portal himself, disappearing in the realm of chaos as the thing slowly twiddled, before phasing out of existence.
The two others he left behind remained quite shocked "Let's be honest, I didn't expect this kind of welcome." Discord dryly remarked, rubbing the back of his head with a paw.
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Why be a King When You Can be a God... I Mean, King Isn't That Bad Either or, Like Lord or Something
“YES!" The joyful exclamation echoed through the nonsensical plains and floating islands of the Chaos Realm.
“Now that about half of my genius plan, is complete, nothing can stop me from becoming Lord of Chaos." John triumphantly explained "I mean, nothing except someone, at least half-competent who actually gives enough of a fuck to try intervening immediately. But they wouldn’t. That’d ruin the dramatic tension of doing everything at the very last second."
"What are you even talking about?" Sombra's head unsurely asked as it appeared before him.
"Well, you know, if more fucks were to be given by people out there, I really feel like this world would never even come close to being in danger in the first place." John simply dismissed, observing the infinite rows of floating isles that spread beyond the nonexistent horizon.
"Are you really complaining about the fact no one’s trying to stop you?" the other asked again, with even more confusion.
"Yes, I totally am, and I’ll immediately stop because this is way too fucking stupid." John quickly agreed, interrupting his own reasoning
"So, while I’m alone in this shit show of a word, what can I do?" he wondered instead.
"Fish" the singular word randomly went through his mind. And as it did, a fat carp popped into existence, swimming through the realm's strange air as if it was water.
"Well, apparently, I can create fish… Not that it was something I was really craving to be able to do…"
"Uhm" meanwhile, Sombra seemed deep in his thoughts "And what if stairs were made out of crystal?" he wondered.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" was John's logical reaction to this philosophic interrogation. He followed the carp with his eyes as it slowly floated into the distance.
All of a sudden, the fish encountered an unexpected obstacle. As, sprouting from the unreachable ground somewhere below, appeared a magnificent staircase of pure crystal.
"Oh Me…" Sombra slowly enounced, overwhelmed with awe "This place must be paradise!"
John skeptically observed the stairs "Yeah, truly amazing…" he disinterestedly mumbled.
"Anyway, what about the most important thing right now?" he asked none in particular, as Sombra was still all too fascinated by the stairs to react to anything else "I need a throne."
A second later, a small wooden chair appeared in his front.
For a moment, Sombra diverted his attention from the stairs "Well, that is no throne. It is simply a chair! A throne must be as magnificent its King!" a second later he added "Actually, this throne might be a perfect fit for you ..."
Meanwhile, John eyed the chair with great contentment "No, this is a very nice chair." he slowly said, coming to sit down.
"Yes, that is indeed a very nice chair…"
And as John rejoiced at the overwhelming amazingness of what he had done, the sudden appearance of an otherworldly portal in front of him slightly interrupted his celebration. Sombra's ghostly head immediately disappeared.
Bringing his eyes to the ones who emerged from the portal, he blissfully exclaimed "Oh, the plot has arrived!"
"Finally. Because when you're starting to get excited over chairs, it clearly means you need something to happen."
There, now stood a rather troubled former Lord of Chaos, an even more troubled Princess of Friendship and Fluttershy.
"It’s you again?!" Twilight confusedly exclaimed as she saw John’s content grin.
"Because you already met this thing?" Fluttershy even more confusedly asked her.
"Hey, hey, hey! We don't have time for irrelevant side plots that no one cares about right now! I am here to officially take control of this realm!"
"Well, in all officiality, this is, in fact, my realm." Discord argued, appearing right in John's front, as a small book with the title Official Legislation of the Chaos Realm lightly materialized in his claws.
"And what if I say: Hippity Hoppity, this is my property? " John confidently enounced with a small grin.
"Hmm… it is quite an ambiguous case, then." Discord agreed after inspecting his book with great care, a small magnifying glass now held right in front of his right eye. He rapidly flipped some pages "Oh, it seems there's a solution. We must attend to a trial by CuckooCook-off." he solemnly announced, throwing the book away as it transformed into a thousand smaller books that flew, flapping their pages as light butterflies.
The sight even made Fluttershy let escape a small gasp.
Meanwhile, John sternly spoke up "That's a shitty name."
"Well, I didn't come up with…" Discord calmly started.
"You did." John simply cut "And so, I propose to solve this conflict like civilized people."
"How, by organizing a bloody war with millions of dead innocents?" Sombra interestedly asked in his head.
"Almost" John confidently continued swiftly snapping his fingers "We shall do a rap battle."
Gladly, the finger-snapping worked as intended...
"Oh fuck, thanks man! I wouldn't want to look even more stupid than usually..."
...As, slightly stunned by her appearance, on an adjacent floating island appeared none else than Zecora.
"When going to visit my forest location
"And she should be the judge." John contently explained, pointing at the zebra "For obvious reasons."
Discord seemed in deep thoughts. Bringing his troubled gaze to John, than to Zecora, than to the inside of his orbits, as his eyes made a complete turn in their sockets.
"I accept." he finally said with a smirk returning his eyes into an acceptable position.
"YES!" John internally cheered.
"Is it that good of a news though?" Sombra doubtfully wondered in the meantime.
And so, the rap battle began…
"Wait, no you can't just skip the most interesting part! Stay for the… "
After an outstanding performance from all the competitors except John…
"Hey! I wasn't that bad! And you can't even know, you skipped it!"
…the whole Chaos realm remained quiet, as if waiting for the judge to decide whose property it really was.
"I mean, there's no need to even bother. I know how hard it is to come up with these rhyming lines." John anxiously started "We can all simply agree that I have clearly and overwhelmingly won and…"
Suddenly, Zecora's voice interrupted both his words and all reminders of hope he still had, as she slowly enounced "This was surely a battle, but there was no fight
"Well, I was right to think this wasn't that good of an idea… What can I say, you should have trusted the King." Sombra confidently remarked in the meantime.
"Well, alright, don't rub it in my face like that!" John whined, the fact he has not only crushingly lost, but also ridiculed himself before some of the most powerful beings in Equestria, plaguing him to the highest point.
"I said stop! Yeah, even you, narrator!"
"Oh, but you did great. Don't bother." Fluttershy's soft voice returned him to reality, even though she was obviously lying.
"Thanks." John simply replied with a small sigh.
"And fuck you narrator!"
A second later, a poof of Discord's joyful magic made the Draconequus himself appear in John's front "Ah, it's so good to have my powers back!" he extatically exclaimed, summoning a small cup of tea and taking a sip as he leaned back on thin air.
Then, a realization struck him as he examined John slightly closer "Wait, aren't you the one who freed me from that freakily orderly Accord?"
"Of course, I did. Didn't want the world to become an uninteresting wasteland because of someone other than me." John unenthusiastically responded.
"This is a idea I can totally get behind."
"But, why are you doing all this?" Twilight suddenly asked from a distance, genuine curiosity mixing with empathy in her voice.
For a second, John hesitated "Wait. This is the closest I've come to a redemption scene right now, and I'm not getting any closer!" he carefully exclaimed.
"Cause, you know, that's the moment I'm supposed to tell you my shitty motivations and you're supposed to be like Wow, these are some shitty motivations, let's be friends instead and I'm supposed to be like Yes, these are indeed some shitty motivations, I've never thought about it and then, I go on to become good and join you as friends. And then I live a happy life here and I have kids and shit and… Wait, no, that last sentence didn't sound as logical I intended when you think about the fact I'm in a world of ponies…"
"Anyway, you're not getting me with it." he simply concluded "Just get me out of this realm and let me awkwardly flee into the forest like nothing happened."
"We can't just do that. You just seem like someone who needs friends and…"
"Then, teleport me to the Storm King's Castle." John suddenly commanded.
A general "What?" ensued, swiftly followed by a "Don't you have enough Kings in your head?" from Sombra.
"Well, you said that I just need friends, so I logically want you to teleport me to the Storm Kings Castle." John simply explained.
"I don't see any logical connection between these two sentences whatsoever." Twilight confidently replied after a second in deep consideration of both statements.
"Honestly, me neither. I just really don't wanna walk there. It's pretty far away." John admitted.
"But we can't just…" Twilight stutteringly started before swiftly being interrupted.
"Can't it at least be my consolation prize since I did so well?" he hopefully asked, eyeing Fluttershy with the nicest and most pleading smile he could master.
The other returned the smile "But of course." she softly replied pitied by John's masterful acting.
"What? No!..."
"Discord, can you please give our poor guest what he deserved?" she asked the Lord of Chaos, ignoring Twilight's objections.
"What is even happening right now?" Sombra confusedly asked as he observed the scene from within John's mind.
"My plan is working." John simply replied.
"How many plans do you have?"
"Well, at least one."
"Don't let him go!..."
"Well, as long as he doesn't try to steal my realm again…" Discord disinterestedly started, already distracted by a flock of fish flying through the distance "Have fun!"
And as the sound of snapping claws resounded through the air, this very air John felt around himself changed. It became colder. As, after a small spurt of confusion went through his body along with a burst of Chaos Magic, he found himself standing right on one of the Storm King's balconies.
"YES!"
A confused grunt came from somewhere behind.
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
There's Calm Before the Storm, and After the Storm... But not During the Storm
As he stood up, regaining his feelings after the teleportation, John took a panoramic glance of the surroundings.
"Huh, the view is pretty nice here." he mumbled before hearing yet another grunt coming from behind his back. It seemed closer this time.
"Wait, what was that?" he worriedly wondered, promptly turning around to discover an imposing Storm Creature, looking down at him with its small turquoise eyes and a stern frown.
"Oh. Well, hello there!" John anxiously yelped before immediately attempting to run away.
He was however swiftly interrupted by one of the creature's large hands as it grabbed him without any further ado.
"That's disappointing" John sighed as the Strom Guard slowly started to drag him across the floor "I thought I would be able to spend at least a minute here without being caught."
"You're overestimating yourself."
He heard the creature grunt again, as if calling for someone "I should probably start trying to free myself though." John concurrently thought, swiftly starting to wildly shift and struggle.
The Grunt seemed confused for a second, looking down at his prisoner with bemusement. The next second though, he simply pointed the spear he held in his other hand right at John's face.
"Oh, fuck." The latter immediately ceased all movement "These guys ain't no Royal Guard…"
From the side, some other Storm Guards arrived. The looked at John with interest, exchanging concerned grunts and growls. One immediately went further down the hall where the first Grunt was dragging John, some others joined him.
"Hey, Sombra, since my amazing strategy didn't really work, could you maybe save me?" John pleaded in his mind as he saw the guards gathering around him.
"Well, yes, but actually no." the other dryly responded "I just want to see you dragged across the floor for some time."
"Nice." John sighed at first "Guess you ain't helping me either, eh narrator?"
Then, he realized something "Wait, is this that bad of a position though?" A small bump in the floor gave him a hint at the answer.
"No, but, like, I may be dragged across the floor by several armed creatures that really don't look that nice, heading god-knows-where and just honestly lacking basic comfort, but at least I'm not lost!" he pensively explained "Cause, with my orientation skills, I feel like I would have just spent the next day or so randomly running around this place, dodging guards and just not going anywhere. I mean, when you think about it, this is probably the best position I could have been in right now!"
"Just please don't say it was all part of your plan…"
"Nah, that would be way too cliché!" John simply dismissed.
As John continued talking to himself, some guards brought their attention back to him. They seemed quite annoyed.
"What?" John indignantly asked "Can't a man talk to himself in piece nowadays?"
It seemed the answer was "No" as, after staring at him for a split second longer, one of the Grunts took out his shield and lightly hit John on the skull. The human immediately passed out.
"Why didn't I ever think of doing so myself?" Sombra wondered in the meantime.
What?
Where am I?
Wait, that just sounds like the begging of every fucking dream!
Hmm, that's a nice void I have around me…
Bu then, there's no tops, and that's already a positive point.
Wait, I don't think I've got any dream protection right now…
Which would mean that…
"Hello there."
Yeah…
Well, hello, Princess Luna of Canterlot, Mistress of Dreams and Protectress of the Night! I here welcome you to the glorious realm which is my dreamscape! Though, it may be quite empty at the moment due to the fact being bonked on the head isn't the soundest way of falling asleep…
"…?"
And I know you may be confused on the nature of my being, but I sadly won't tell you anything on this subject as, the last time I did, you tried and nearly managed to kill me. Which isn't really something I was that fond of.
"What? What are you talking about?!"
Well, I'm just referring to the fact that in that other universe I mostly destroyed, after meeting you in quite a similar fashion, you became quite motivated in killing me and almost got to do so. And it wasn't the nicest experience.
Wait, did I just tell you something I shouldn't have? Yep, probably…
"What kind of creature would even be able of destroying a universe? And what other universe is there to destroy? I am simply confused to the highest point!"
I mean, certainly not me… Fuck, I'm so bad at lying…
"In all honestly, you do not seem that dangerous to me for the moment… But you are still extremely confusing."
Oh, this means you don't want to kill me yet! That's cool! Then, what if I asked you to…
All of a sudden, John felt the slap of something hard and cold on his face. This something rapidly proved itself to be the floor.
"Huh? Uh, what?" he mumbled, rapidly blinking and attempting to get up "Don't just wake me up like that, it's very impolite of you!" he indignantly exclaimed before pensively mumbling "What the fuck was I doing here again?"
"Open up your eyes, intruder!" a stern voice commanded.
"Hah, who are you, Tempest Shadow?" John mockingly asked ceasing to blink and focusing his vision on the order's origin "Oh fuck, you are…"
"You have been caught trespassing on the Storm King's royal territory and thus, shall be interrogated and jailed!" Tempest Shadow commandingly announced, striking the ground with a metallic horseshoe.
"That is a charming display of authority… I'm starting to like this place…"
"But can't the Storm King interrogate me himself?" John disinterestedly asked, sitting down on the floor while concurrently looking around in search of a more comfortable sitting spot.
"It's none of your business! He has much more important duties to attend!" the other heatedly retorted.
All of a sudden, a much more cheerful voice resounded from a nearby hallway "Yes, yes, I'm coming!" the Storm King himself cried out as he slowly walked into the room with a big yawn.
"So this is what they call a King in this land? Disgusting…"
"My King" Tempest started "You had said that…"
"Eh, whatever… Go, I'll take care of it." the Storm King swiftly cut her.
Meanwhile, John had found a chair and now happily sat on it, after all, they were in the throne room.
"Yeah, so, I don't see any signs of his staff here so…"
Slowly bringing his attention back to John, the Storm King calmly mumbled "So, what is this prisoner…" then, much less calmly added "And why is he sitting on my throne?!"
"Well, you don't have chairs…" John simply shrugged "What am I supposed to do?"
The King seemed perplexed for a second "That is a good point, we should work on it…" he pensively mumbled "Back to our interrogation though: who are you?"
"Argh… I'm not explaining that again because that's way too fucking boring!" John unhappily exclaimed "I've got a little question before we continue though. Where's that cool staff of yours?"
"Well, it's uhm…" the other seemed deep in his thoughts of a moment. A second later, he indignantly exclaimed "Wait, I'm he one supposed to be asking questions!"
"Sorry" John immediately agreed "Go on."
"Well, this somewhat answered my next question though which would be: why are you here?" the Storm King remarked with a small frown as he examined John's strange attire mostly based on cursed jewelry "And you seem to like this kind of things too…" he added, nodding at the latter.
"What is this manner of talking? Utterly unfit for a ruler!"
"No, no, no, I was… uhm simply here to visit… Yep." John uncertainly mumbled.
"And… did you get what you were looking for?" the Storm King sneeringly asked, contently looking around his palace.
"Well, they kinda dragged me on the floor so…" John sourly started, suddenly adding "Oh and, about that visit, I was quite interested in seeing uhm… your Staff."
"Nah, you're definitely just here to steal it…" the other exasperatedly sighed.
"P-Perhaps…"
"You can't though." he added, unhappily shrugging and starting to walk across the throne room.
"And that's where you underestimate me!" John immediately exclaimed, getting up for a second.
"No, you didn't understand me correctly." the Storm King said, coming to a stop. "It wasn't a you can't as in I shall stop you first! But rather a you can't as in someone already stole it…" he regretfully explained.
"What?" John confusedly asked. His mind swarmed with images of the worst-case scenario "Everything is Ok. It's not necessarily Lyra… Oh god, I don't wanna deal with that again." he tried and failed to reassure himself.
"Yes…" the Storm King simply declared in the meantime "That's mostly why I didn't electrocute you to death for disrespect yet."
"Wait, because you're completely powerless without that Staff, aren't you?" John suddenly realized, slightly halting his mental breakdown.
"No… I can still uhm… walk. Oh, and bite too. I never really tried that last one though…" the other sheepishly argued, visibly not believing what he was saying.
"Yeah… that sucks…"
All of a sudden, materializing his ghostly head from thin air and startling everyone in the room, Sombra suddenly bust out into a furious yell "You, pathetic creature!" he cried out "None is less worthy to call itself a King! Reliant on artifacts for power is for mortal insects! A true King must strike fear into the bravest of hearts through its sheer might alone!..."
"Uhm… who is this?" the Storm King confusedly asked John, coming closer to be heard through Sombra's shouting.
"A… friend... kinda…" the other unsurely answered.
"He doesn't look very friendly…"
"… A useless worm! Unworthy even to work for me as a slave!" Sombra continued in the meantime "Your reign is but a lie that you force yourself to believe! And even this lie is disgracefully woven! You disgust me beyond all mortal comprehension…"
"Well, that hurt… A bit." the Storm King sighed after Sombra had finished his outburst "Especially coming from some ghostly floating head…" he mockingly added.
"I am Sombra! King of Umbrum and Glorious Ruler of the Crystal Empire!" the other immediately retorted, his green glowing eyes emitting large clouds of purple smoke. It seemed the room grew colder.
"Formerly. Now, he's mostly just a chunk of crystal horn embedded in my chest and an annoying voice in my head…" John added with much less passion.
"I SHALL DESTROY YOU TOO, UNGRATEFUL SLAVE!" Sombra furiously shouted, charging a beam of dark magic in his horn.
"Well, then you'll die too." John simply remarked.
The King only responded with a furious grunt, his head dematerializing into a light cloud of shadows.
"Anyway, now that this is dealt with" John relievedly sighed "I've got another question. By any means, the one who stole your Staff wasn't a mint mare ?" he carefully asked, an anxious frown reappearing on his face.
The Storm King seemed pensive for some time, raising his gaze to the ceiling "I don't know. From what my guards told me, they had only seen several turquoise flashes the night before my Staff vanished. One got obliterated by them though. Otherwise, I think some talked of a dash of pink or something like that." he finally enounced "Nothing about mint though."
"Good." John deeply sighed in unconcealed relief "Or is it?"
"Wait a minute, you said pink and turquoise, right?" he pensively asked a second later.
"Well, yes." the other confirmed.
"Huh, I guess I'll need to fight some advanced communism…" John proceeded to concernedly mumble "Let's hope Equestria doesn't belong to the people when I get back…"
"What are you talking about?" The Storm King's confused voice interrupted John's chaotic thoughts.
"Uhm… I think I have a deal for you." he calmly announced "It's pretty simple."
"I think I might know the one who stole your Staff. And so, I know where they are. My deal would be that I tell you where to go and you… Well, you go there and help me get there to recover said Staff."
"But will you actually give the staff back to…" The Storm King's question suddenly got interrupted by John overenthusiastically exclaiming "Wow! That is a beautiful wall you've got over there!"
"Yeah, that's what I thought…" he sourly sighed.
"But, you know, otherwise, you just wouldn't get to even see that staff or have a vague idea of where it is." John remarked leaning back on his seat.
"Ugh… I might be forced to accept." the Strom King finally conceded. A second later, he remembered something "Oh, and wouldn't you mind to give me my throne back?"
Startled by the question, John also realized where he was for the whole time "Yeah, that would probably be appropriate." he agreed, getting up "And uhm… What should I do right now?"
"Wait until I prepare the expedition." the other replied, calmly taking John's place.
"GUARDS!" he shouted a second later.
Immediately, several Grunts entered from all the corridors, on the other side of the room. Tempest Shadow returned too.
"This is now my second in command!" he sternly shouted, pointing a clawed finger in John's direction.
General confusion seemed to surge around the room.
"What? This was a trespasser! Have you gone mad?!" Tempest shouted in complete incomprehension.
The King's suddenly extremely stern gaze fell on her. She bowed he head. "He's currently being more useful than all of you combined." he contemptuously announced "Now prepare my ship! We're setting sail."
Most guards immediately left, returning to their posts or executing the order. No other objections were said.
"It's still an impressive authority for such a powerless creature…"
In the restored silence, John sheepishly spoke up "I mean, thanks, but was this really necessary?"
"You have no idea how much I need this Staff…"
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
You Can't Trust Maps... Especially When You're Too Stupid to Read Them
"You know, that last sentence of yours really sounded like some sort of shitty cliffhanger you'd put at the end of a chapter or something. And it might work well if you just cut to a different scene afterwards, but since I'm still here, it just doesn't make any fucking sense and sounds extremely incomplete and awkward." John suddenly remarked, slightly startling the Storm King.
"Well, yes…" the other unsurely stuttered "But I could explain…"
"No, no, no, I actually don't give a fuck, it just bothered me for some reason." John quickly dismissed "As your Second in Command though, what should we do now?"
"Board my ship and prepare for…" the Storm King Started before getting rudely interrupted.
"No, you've just asked your guards to get it ready and there's literally no way it already is right now." John simply argued.
After thorough reflections, the Storm King spoke again "Alright. Then, your first glorious order as Second in Command of the Great Storm Armies shall be… to Fuck off and stop making good points immediately."
John had no objections "That's definitely an order I can get behind." he shrugged, starting to head away, but quickly turning back to gladly exclaim "Oh, and thank you for being extremely cooperative for some reason!"
With these words, he immediately left the throne room, going into a random hallway.
"Why are you associating with such feckless creature?" Sombra suddenly asked in his head.
"I mean, this for once, wasn't part of my plan." John shrugged "I thought I'd just steal the Staff and run away, but now, it just seems easier to get somewhere if you have a flying boat and…" he paused for a second "You don't have a flying boat, do you?"
"Well, no, but…" Sombra tried to argue, but didn't have the time to as John immediately interrupted him.
"No, no, no! Those who don't have a flying boat, don't have any right to talk either!" he sneeringly said.
"Well, I doubt you have a flying boat."
"Ah, that's where you're wrong!" John happily exclaimed "As Second in Command of the Storm Army, it's also my flying boat for the moment!" After a short pause though, his voice became less mocking than concerned "I have a feeling that this won't last though…"
"Anyway, where was I?" John stopped for a second and anxiously looked at the similar walls around "Actually, going into a random direction was probably the worst idea right now, especially knowing how fast I get lost…"
He heard a loud sigh resound through his head.
"Fuck off!"
A second later, he noticed some kind of table at a small intersection ahead "And what's that thing over there?"
Getting closer, the purpose of it became clearer "Oh, god, this is the complete and incontestable proof that this castle is way better than any other I've been in lately!" It was a map.
"Yep, and that is what every single vaguely labyrinthic location should always have! Why doesn't anyone ever think about tourism? Well, it seems they have here!" John then went on inspecting the Map of the Storm Castle for Tourists .
"So, where am I on this thing? Probably under the You Are Here thing… And here's the throne room and the aerial docks and… God, I'm really not that good at maps either."
"Except maybe if…" John seemed in deep consideration for several long seconds "Sombra, can we take the map with us?" he suddenly asked after emerging from his thoughts.
"What? Didn't you just say that you don't understand it?" the other confusedly replied.
"Well, I thought that if I moved along with it, it'd me easier to follow my position thanks to the You Are Here thing!" John simply explained his great plan with a big smile.
"That isn't how it works…" Sombra tried arguing, before shortly conceding "And how am I supposed to take it anyway, it's a big concrete slab!"
"Well, you've got magic, so use it! Transform it into paper or make it smaller or something! Just try, I believe in you!" John encouragingly exclaimed, showing his support by attempting to detach the map from its pedestal.
With an exasperate sigh, Sombra's head popped into existence, its horn glowing to life. A second later, the same glow encompassed the map, making John jump away, satisfied with his display of helpfulness.
The thing however, didn't budge a single inch.
"Come on!" John cried out in the meantime "You're a King of Darkness and shit, you can move a table, can't you?"
At this exclamation, Sombra gave John a look of great disdain as, all of a sudden, a crystal pillar arose from the castle's ground, making the whole room shake while the map, was sent flying into a nearby wall that it traversed after a great explosion of dust and rubble.
"Yay, you did it!" John mockingly cried out from behind a wall where he promptly fled to hide "A bit too much though…"
A second later, he returned, looking at the destruction "Oh, wait" he suddenly exclaimed "Look through the hole, I bet that thing over there are the docks!"
"This was obviously all part of my plan." he added with a confident smirk.
Sombra just sighed as his crystalline pillar sunk back into the ground.
"Can you help me get over there now?" John sheepishly asked in the meantime.
The disappearance of Sombra's exasperate head followed by the appearance of a shadowy mist around him gave answered his question.
"Thanks!" A second later, he stood by the docks.
"Yeah, so why did I come here anyway?" John wondered, now in the large open section of the aerial port "Oh right, I never really meant to come here in the first place and mostly just got lost then broke a wall and…"
As he stopped taking a panoramic glance, he saw many Grunts running around with various crates and other such attire, bringing it all onto a docked flying ship nearby. "Yeah and there's Tempest over there too."
It all gave him an idea. "Wait, since I'm second in command, if I just shout random-ass orders, wouldn't they be forced to follow them?" John suddenly wondered, a stupid grin forming on his face.
"Hey, you, put your box over there!" he shouted to a random Grunt who, after several seconds of confusion, decided to follow the order.
"Great." John uttered "And now, take this other box and put it on top of it."
"What in Tartarus are you doing?" Sombra confusedly wondered in his mind.
"You'll see." John simply dismissed before continuing with his orders, now shouting at another Storm Guard "And you, climb over there and put two boxes on top of it all!"
"Yes, exactly like that! Amazing, I think we've just created something beautiful!" John finally exclaimed as the pile of boxes was finished. Some signs of disagreement sprung among the Grunts.
"And what are you doing?" a furious voice suddenly uttered.
"Well" John confidently started, turning around to face Tempest Shadow "As Second in Command, I was guarantying the happiness of the crew by creating an interactive piece of art." he contently explain with a smirk.
"And clearly not just doing some random shit to see how loyal these Grunts could be."
John's declaration was followed by some confused or disagreeing looks from several Grunts, as Tempest contemptuously declared "Well, if you wish to fulfill your duties, please at least do not disturb the preparations." she then gave John a last fuming glance, returning to work while mumbling "Why do idiots always get to be in power?"
"Ah, my hard work clearly isn't appreciated enough…" John theatrically exclaimed in the meanwhile "And still, I do it all benevolently, pff! The world really needs more people like me!"
"It really doesn't…" the thought simultaneously echoed within the head of every single creature in the room.
"I'm glad we all at least agree on that, there could only be one John." the, thankfully, one and only John sighed with great satisfaction, suddenly noticing a now familiar figuring entering the area.
"And who is the genius creator this masterpiece?!" the Storm King radiantly asked, pointing a finger towards John's stack of boxes with a welcoming smile.
"Ah, finally someone wise enough to appreciate my art!" John immediately exclaimed in return.
The other's reactions however, wasn't the one he expected "Oh, it's you? Such a shame…" he sourly mumbled "I was hoping to fire the one who did it before having them thrown off a cliff for utter talentlessness and overall stupidity." the Storm King disappointedly explained.
"Well, I'm glad I'm basically an essential NPC…" John anxiously mumbled under his breath, peeking into the raging see beyond the docks railing.
"Please, stop using all these incomprehensible terms."
"And hurry up now, we're leaving soon!" the Storm King then barked to the already bustling Grunts, concurrently signaling John to follow him inside the airship.
The other complied "Well, OK then."
Entering the aircraft, then following the other through some nicely decorated corridors, John found himself in a room that could only be the King's cabin.
"So, where should we be heading?" the Storm King asked, sitting down into a richly decorated armchair. His expression then grew menacing as he added "Where is my Staff?"
Hearing this question, John seemed quite perplexed "This is actually a very good question…" he anxiously mumbled, before almost confidently exclaiming "I don't kn… I mean, I can't just tell you where it is!"
"Cause I really don't know…"
"And, why, is that?" the Storm King's frown deepened, he raised an eyebrow before a realization struck him "You never really knew it, did you? You liar!" he furiously shouted, the exclamation reaching even the bustling Grunts outside.
"Not exactly." John simply replied in the meanwhile, struggling to remain calm. After steadying himself and taking a split second to come up with something convincing, he spoke again "You see, if I just tell you the direction to follow right now, you'll simply throw me overboard or kill me in some other inconspicuous way as I wouldn't be of any use to you anymore. You even have a reason to do so now…" he regretfully explained.
"So, you do not trust me?" the other asked, now much more concerned than furious, almost surprised.
"I mean, not only is your own philosophy to never trust anyone but yourself, but throwing random people to their doom seems like one of your common pastimes. So, I would really rather not risk it..." John simply argued with a sheepish smile.
Listening to him, the Storm King soon sighed "That is a good point. Getting rid of you might not be as easy as I expected…" he then casually added "And then, you are right, I would have never let you survive this journey otherwise... My Grunts still need a direction to follow right now though, can you at least give me that?"
John pensively looked around for a moment "Go there." he dismissed, pointing into a random direction "We'll probably be changing course pretty often though."
The other seemed exasperate "You want us to go through the castle?" he calmly asked.
With another embarrassed smile, John yelped a short "Oops." picking another direction in which he quickly pointed. A second later, he sheepishly added "Also, can I please get a map?"
"Phew, I barely dodged dying twice here, and in less than a minute… Don't even know if it's something I should be proud of."
John was suddenly pulled out of his thoughts by a map being tossed to him "Here, have that." the Storm King barked, leaving the room "You're free to do whatever you wish for the moment. We'll soon be setting sail."
"Thanks!" John rapidly yelped in his wake, concurrently wondering "They don't actually have sails on this boat, do they?"
A second later he started to examine the map he got "Fuck, I really shouldn't have claimed knowing where to go before… Well, before actually knowing where to go." he regretfully mumbled with an unhappy smirk.
As he unrolled it, he laid the map down on the sturdy oaken table that dominated the room, standing right in its middle "Ah, obviously it's one of these ancient maps where there's more shitty drawings than actual information." John sighed in desperation.
"Like, how am I supposed to get what's under this big-ass shadow spawn over here?!" he exclaimed, perplexedly eyeing a strange creature painted on top of the map.
"I think that is me." Sombra calmly remarked, his ghostly head materializing into existence to also examine the maps ancient surface.
"Nah, you can't just say that some random shadowy thing in ancient art is you that's way too pretentious. I think…" John suddenly interrupted his rant as he read the words Here Be the Somber Kings Empire next to the shadow depiction "Yeah, it might be you…" he immediately conceded, returning his attention back to his actual task.
"This thing must be so fucking old then! Or they just never knew of your fall down here. The Storm King didn't even seem to acknowledge who you are even. But then, we are pretty far away."
"It definitely still is old though. There's plenty of places just completely missing. The shape of the continents should be enough though. I mean, I've spent more time blankly staring at a map of Equestria than doing most things actually relevant to society, so…"
"Yeah, Starlight's village should be over there." he finally confidently announced, putting a finger on the map.
A second later, he suddenly started shouting "Cause, yeah, she's obviously the one who has it. Like, I knew you were setting something like this up, narrator! I remember that random-ass point to the fact I inspired her to try stealing artifacts, I-don't-even-know-how-long ago! It was obviously going somewhere! And then, she's the only relevant character who matches the overly vague descriptions the Storm King gave me!" he cried out, staring at the void with great passion.
"Now, could you please explain why you shouted all this at the air?" Sombra confusedly asked after John's outburst, proceeding to float closer to the picture of himself and eyeing i with great care.
"No actually, there was absolutely no need for that. I don't know, I just felt compelled to spew out a bit of exposition for a moment." the other replied, slightly confused. Angrily adding "I know this was all because of you, narrator!"
Leaning over the map once more though, John steadied himself "Anyway, I may know that what we're looking for is there." he pointed his finger at the parchment once again "I still don't know where this there is though…"
"Cause, I can't just show this thing to the Storm King right on the map, it's just the same problem as before: that'd render me completely useless and probably just dead, shortly after. I'd rather avoid that…" he sighed, taking an anxious look around "But then, I can't just tell him to Go the top of the map then head to the right when we reach somewhere… over there… roughly . I mean, this may seem perfectly clear to me, but honestly, I'm probably the only one who'd understand…"
"I can confirm." Sombra indifferently remarked, continuing to closely examine this Somber King whose depiction the map bore.
"Ugh, what if instead of these shitty remarks you did something useful and… I don't know, told me how do I use a map for instance!" John annoyedly exclaimed as he heard the other's calm voice.
"Well, you look at it." the King even more calmly replied as if it was obvious, never lifting his eyes from the map.
"No, they clearly failed to capture the eyes, they simply aren't royal enough. The one who drew this would obviously end up dead if he was to create this under my reign…" the calm thoughts echoed through John's mind, angering him even more.
"Yes, it was fucking obvious!" he fumingly yelled "I may be an idiot but I'm still able to understand that looking at a piece of paper with things drawn on it is the right way to use that piece of paper!"
Noticing that Sombra gave him no visible notice, he simply performed an angry facepalm to calm down a bit.
"And don't you have some Google Maps spell or something? Some shit that'd tell you the route to follow by choosing a location on the map?" he asked in a last spark of dim hope.
"That is something far beyond even the King's magic capabilities." the other solemnly replied, floating even closer to the image he was examining.
"Oh…" John now turned his gaze to the ceiling "Maybe you have some more useful insight, narrator?" he then asked, getting no answer from the air above him "Huh, obviously."
A second later, he tried again however, asking "And what if I asked you the direction in which we need to go to get where we need?"
Sombra, who was finally satisfied with his study of the picture of himself, watched the scene in confusion "It really sounds weird to hear a dialog with half the replies missing… It just looks mad… Wait, who am I saying this to?"
With his question getting no reply other than the King's unrelated remark, John persevered once more "God, please just answer my one question and tell me where I need to go! I don't bother you for directions that often!"
The cabin shook and slightly tipped to the side as a heavy creaking resounded all around the ship. It was leaving.
"Ugh, well, now at least, we're definitely going somewhere… Where though?" John sighed, wearily sitting down on the nearest chair, that just happened to face the North-Est .
"Yeah, whatever… Wait a minute, no, please go on!" he hopefully exclaimed, staring right in his front where, far beyond the walls, forests and mountains laid the village he now sought…
"Oh my god, thank you so fucking much!" John extatically exclaimed in utter and uncontained thankfulness to his great and mighty savior that, if he possessed a physical form, would no doubt be the most handsome creature in the entire universe.
"All these emotions directed to this air." Sombra bemusedly sighed in the meanwhile "I wonder what does he think he's talking to… Ugh, and now I'm also starting to talk to myself…"
The creaking of planks in the nearby hallway indicated someone's approach. Sombra immediately vanished, and thus, letting out a last glad sigh, John stuffed the map into his pocket, eager to tell the Storm King the new directions.
The one who now stood at the door however, was no Storm King.
"Argh, fuck…"
"The Storm King calls his Second in Command to the deck." Tempest sternly announced as she entered.
"OK, I'm coming…" John disinterestedly agreed, preparing to cross the doorstep when he suddenly got pinned to a wall by an armored hoof.
"If you dare to even think of betraying us, consider yourself dead." the pony menacingly enunciated "Understood?"
"Well, you see" John calmly started in the meanwhile "In the current world, I really think we shouldn't force anyone to consider themselves anything in particular, whether it is dead, alive, man, woman or Apache attack helicopter. Because, we really do live in a society…" he passionately continued before getting rudely interrupted.
"Shut up!" Tempest furiously yelled "I know you got what I meant!"
"Well, actually, I don't care." John serenely replied with a smirk "Cause, if I die, no one will be happy."
"I beg to differ…"
"Alright, Sombra would be happy…" he reluctantly corrected himself "But the Storm King would completely and irrevocably lose his Staff, you would lose your job and Equestria would lose the right to not be invaded by Communism. So you just can't kill me." John nonchalantly explained before inconspicuously adding "Also, I'm the main character, so you just can't just break the story like that..."
"God, I love being functionally unkillable. Taunting people is so much easier."
"Argh, you have a point…" the other grudgingly conceded, letting him go "Follow me then."
"You like dodging death, don't you?" Sombra annoyedly asked in John's head in the meanwhile.
"I thought you'd notice that earlier." the latter shortly replied, adding "Oh, and nice alliteration, by the way."
This left the King mostly confused but still flattered and as the rays of the slowly setting Sun washed over John upon his exit of the cabins, Sombra's perplexed thoughts echoed through his mind "Hmm, perhaps I should try becoming a writer one day…"
"Ah, here's my lovely adviser!" the Storm King joyfully cried out as they emerged upon the deck.
"Uhm, yes, about that." John confidently yet hesitantly started "After thorough considerations, it seems the most optimal path right now would be to head North-West."
"North-Est…"
"I mean… Uhm, North-Est!" he swiftly corrected, immediately adding an unsure "But prepare to change course often, the route is quite complicated!"
At these words, he saw the crew spring into action, working in almost perfect cooperation to make the ship change direction.
In the meanwhile, John walked up to the Storm King who stood at the wheel, his face displaying a mix of confidence and slight worry "Uhm, how long would this thing take to go… across Equestria, for example?" John curiously asked.
"I wouldn't want to leave Starlight of all people in possession of his Staff for too long. I might not have a world left to conquer otherwise…"
At John's question, the Storm King's face lightened with pride "Ah, that is an excellent question!" he exclaimed "This thing really is a wonder of technology, you know? My own creation that I single-handedly stole from a great Abyssinian inventor with the healp of my army, it's the perfect mixture of magic and mechanisms!" he boisterously explained, waving his hand in a panoramic motion.
"Well, that doesn't answer my question." John sourly remarked, unimpressed, but still curiously looking around.
"Oh, right, a single day should most likely be enough." the other enthusiastically replied "I know it's surprisingly fast."
Still looking around at the airship's structure, John muttered a disinterested "Yep." before noticing something in the water beneath. He moved closer, leaning against the railing "Hm, I think I recognize that island over there…" he mumbled to himself, getting his map out and thoroughly examining its ornate surface. A second later, he hid the map back with a disappointed "Oh, right, I still have no idea of how to properly read it…"
The Storm King however, heard his struggle "Oh, that was once the land of the Hippogriff." he happily proclaimed, looking over his shoulder to see the island "Until I utterly destroyed them of course!"
"Oh, well I knew that." John sighed in the meanwhile "I bet he doesn't know they're still out there, under the ocean."
"Wait's, what's that though?" he quietly wondered a second later as he noticed something on the island's mostly desert shores "I just said they were supposed to be under the ocean, don't prove me wrong! And there's more over there too. They're hiding from the ship, but why not under water?"
It was then that a realization struck him "Don't tell me that Starlight stole the Pearl too… I mean, it was on my shitty list, so she was clearly aware of it, but…" John sighed in annoyance, turning his eyes away from the see "Why is she so much better at doing my job than myself…"
"You know, it's not that hard, trust me." Sombra sneeringly remarked in his head.
Slightly annoyed now, John decided to ask the Storm King a question to change his thought from how much of a failure he truly was "Hey, what were you going to do with that Staff anyway." he called out.
"And you, narrator, stop taunting me too!"
The other seemed troubled again "Argh, you know, this whole Stealing my Staff thing, while fun, is just a big obstacle in my plans…" he sourly remarked "It all just stops me from taking over Equestria, siphoning the Princesses' power and ultimately, becoming the greatest King of all!" he dramatically cried out, raising his hands before sheepishly adding "And that's where a lightning should ideally strike in the background behind me for emphasis, which I would have been able to make happen, if I had my Staff."
In the meanwhile, John disinterestedly listened "Oh, right. Why did I ask? I know the plot of the movie…" he blandly remarked.
The other however, overheard him "What, there is a movie about me?" he passionately cried out in theatrical disbelief "I absolutely need to meet with the producers!... And if it's not good enough, torture and kill them…"
"Argh, it's complicated…" John dismissed in return "I won't explain any further, but good for you if it already makes you happy…"
"Fine." the Storm King reluctantly agree "But I really hope I'll get to watch that movie one day. It's nice to know anyway."
"Ah, why are there films about such cowards, but not about a glorious leader as I?" Sombra furiously asked in John's head.
"Well, maybe if you stopped dying so often…" the other simply replied.
"What? I only did it once! Or maybe twice…"
In the meanwhile, the setting Sun was now nearing the end of its course towards the horizon, and as a big yawn escaped him, John realized something "Guess it's time to go to sleep like a normal person for the first time in a while…" he sighed, heading back towards the cabins.
He was however interrupted in his course as the Storm King perplexedly cried out "Hey, didn't you say we needed to change directions often? Because for the moment, we only really turned once, so you perhaps at least have a path to for us to follow during the night?"
"Oh right…" John anxiously started.
"That's a part of the plan I completely forgot…"
"I'd recommend you to… go North, then… South… for roughly the same duration, then Est and Finally West. Don't forget that all these steps are very important and…" he was suddenly cut.
"Yeah, so we just need stay the course, don't try to make it sound complicated." the Storm King sourly concluded.
"Yep." John anxiously yelped, looking around as if to find any signs of incoming murder.
"Anyway" he unrelievedly sighed as no immediate assassination attempts were coming "Where can I get a bed?"
A Storm Guard attended immediately "That's what I call good service."
After going through the narrow corridors of the ship's interior for several seconds, the Storm Guard shortly stepped to the side, letting John pass into a cozy cabin with nothing but a basic bed.
Lying down on the latter without further ado, John stretched "Fuck, it's so much better than the ground…"
And thus, it wasn't long before he was overtaken by sweet slumber.
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Never Underestimate the Power of Communism... Especially When It's Wielding Two OP Artifacts
"Hello there."
Aaaah!
What the fuck, can you at least let me fall asleep properly before scaring the living shit out of me in my dreams?
"Pardon my lack of discretion. I did not mean to scare you. Tis just that I was puzzled by your nature since our last encounter. Thus, you simply must introduce yourself properly now!"
But I don't wanna…
"Tis thy Princess' will!"
Ugh… Fine… Not that this dream had much else to do anyway…
So, I'm just a guy from a different dimension who only passes by, really. Perfectly harmless! In no way are vague plans of clumsy world domination on my mind. Like, there really isn't that much special about me.
"Then, why would you be carrying all of these… artifacts?"
Oh, yeah… I mostly forgot they really existed for a second… Which goes to prove my point!
They're all just souvenirs. Very well-crafted souvenirs…
I'm a big fan of your kingdom, you know?
"Hmm, perhaps… Still, the perspective of your otherworldly nature makes you a very outstanding creature that we should probably… study."
"I should bring you to my sister… Or even to Twilight Sparkle for her research…"
What if we didn't … do that?
"We'll see… On another note, what do you usually dream of?"
Y-…
Oh… Fuck… Ugh… You're so much better off not knowing…
"No, really, I am highly curious to know. In fact, I will simply stop this dream at this very moment and let you sleep normally so that I can watch and…"
"Welcome…"
As he suddenly bolted upright, John's eyes immediately snapped open, anxiously glancing around "Who the fuck said that?" he mumbled, getting up from the bed to examine every corner of the room.
Finding no one and nothing unusual, he calmed down but only a bit "God, I know this voice wasn't from the dream. Freaky… I sure glad it ended here though…"
Trying to change his thoughts, he walked towards a window that he at first didn't even notice his cabin had "Anyway, where are we then?" he wondered gazing through the glass.
"Oh, and the ship's just been going in a straight line for the whole night…" he suddenly remembered "I really hope we didn't miss it."
By this very early morning, there wasn't yet much light. Still, with these anxious words, John carefully examined the dimly lit landscapes that endlessly stretched outside.
"Well, I don't see anything recognizable…" he sourly remarked at first, scrying the dry peaks that slowly passed under the ship "But that doesn't really mean anything, since there isn't that much things recognizable in the Equestrian geography I know…"
The next second however, something clearly distinct from all these mountains caught his attention "Oh, but what do I see over there?!" he theatrically exclaimed at the sight, with a mocking smirk "Is it… plot convenience?!"
And an instant later he even more sneeringly continued "No, I mean, obviously I just perfectly timed my sleep duration so that, when that weird voice was to wake me up, we just happen to be flying over Starlight's Village…"
As these words left John mouth however, he suddenly realized something "Wait a minute, I think I just got whose voice that was…" he anxiously mumbled, bringing a slightly sweaty hand to his forehead "That's not good."
"Yeah, I better warn the Storm King we've arrived." he then determinedly decided, simply heading for the door with a sigh.
"Could you speak quieter, please? You are disturbing the King's royal duty of sleeping." Sombra groggily grumbled from the darkest corner within John's mind, which sadly even wasn't that dark, forcing the King's nonexistent eyes to annoyedly wince.
"No." the other disinterestedly denied, now going up the stairs that led to the deck.
As he opened the door nothing really that exciting met his sight. Except some sleepy and sleeping Grunts, the ship seemed pretty inactive by this early hour. And when he looked up towards the helm where he had left the Storm King last night, he saw nothing but a small wooden plank blocking the aircraft's wheel in place.
"Uhm, is anyone here?" he carefully called out "We need to land if we don't want to turn around."
He got no response at first, except the sound of heavy hoofsteps on the wooden planks.
"Oh, so we're at our destination?" Tempest Shadow calmly asked as she stepped onto the decks, her broken horn already glowing with un contained mana "Then your role here has ended. And your life will soon follow."
"Fuck."
"No, no, no! We don't treat our guests like that!" the Storm King suddenly interrupted, discourteously moving Tempest aside as he also entered the deck "For the time being…"
With a relieved "Phew…" John immediately added "So, uhm… we need to land."
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard that too…" the Storm King annoyedly responded "And get up you all, or you might never have the chance to do it again!" he menacingly barked, making all Grunts immediately jump to work.
"You! Prepare our troops! We might need them." he shouted to one particularly bulky Storm Guard, before finally assertively yelling "Get this ship moving down! And don't waste your time!"
He then signaled both John and Tempest to follow him.
Noticing the other's murderous glare John nervously swallowed "I just hope to not get killed before we land right now…"
As the grand aerial machine lightly descended on the desert soil amidst perfectly identical houses, the village around almost seemed like a ghost town "I can't see a single living soul around here." the Storm King impatiently remarked, as the ship's main doors opened, letting them exit.
"Hmm, I though this place would be a bit livelier…" John also mused in slight confusion.
It was then that, all of a sudden, as if on command of an invisible puppeteer all the doors opened simultaneously, letting a single pony exit each house in perfect coordination. There was something wrong in their eyes.
"That's just fucking creepy man! Why couldn't she just have attempted to take over the world normally like all sane people do?" John uneasily exclaimed, observing the spectacle that unfolded before his eyes.
The Storm King was visibly confused too. Bending over, he carefully asked John "Who is this she you're talking about?"
John didn't have to answer though as, once all ponies suddenly froze, forming two perfectly parallel straight lines, a figure materialized on its end "Why seek power when all one truly craves is justice?" Starlight Glimmer triumphantly enounced stepping forth amidst the unmoving citizens of her town. Chills ran through the spines of every creature.
Except John, who was too busy anxiously glancing around in search of a potential escape route "Oh no" he annoyedly exclaimed "Why did you just become one of these shitty OP villains that seem completely unbeatable but actually get defeated by the power of bullshit or something in less than three seconds?..."
"No, actually that last part isn't that bad." he added a second later.
Before John could rant any longer however, the Storm King noticed something "Hey, that's my Staff!" he furiously exclaimed, completely ignoring the gloomy atmosphere, as he noticed his artifact encompassed in a magical glow as it floated above Starlight's head along with the Pearl "You claim to seek justice when you're nothing more than a thief!"
"Because you clearly didn't steal it…" John sneeringly mumbled, rapidly getting interrupted by an angry "Shut up!"
"Join us. Become part of our great Equality." Starlight impassibly announced in the meantime, her eyes sparking to light "And, as the Staff that was once yours, serve the common good. Forever equal. Forever happy."
"No, no, no! I am a King!" the other skeptically argued "This just seems like an extremely disadvantageous bargain for me, right now…"
"But I never said you had the choice…"
With a terrified "Fuck." John immediately bolted off towards the nearest house.
"It is war then." the Storm King sternly declared behind him "To arms!"
And as he exclaimed these last words, from within the ship, came several platoons of heavily armored Storm Guards rushing forwards with they halberds at the ready.
"Hey, technically, these aren't halberds but more like spears of fork things!" John suddenly remarked, peaking from behind his cover, as he saw Starlight turn her head towards him however, he quickly decided to find some place better to hide "I should probably be busy hiding and running away instead of pointing out very mild inconsistencies right now…"
Getting behind the row of houses, he was carefully attempting to get around this whole battle in relative safety "Yeah. I mean, while they fight, I might be able to grab the Staff from her if I'm lucky enough."
"Resistance is futile!" John heard Starlight's voice coming from behind the walls. And as he glanced through an alley, he saw several Storm Guards suddenly ceasing to fight before turning against their former comrades. "Abandon now! As in the end, all shall join us." Starlight bewitchingly declared, her eyes glowing an ever-stronger mesmerizing turquoise glow.
"Hey, don't steal my soldiers too!" the Storm King furiously yelled in the meanwhile. A second later, John saw Tempest fiercely charging across the street right towards Starlight herself when…
"This is a very nice, epic battle and all, but I really don't care that much." John suddenly declared, resuming to walk along the houses "If I want to actually have a chance, I better get to the Staff, and quick."
Passing another alley, he noticed a now scorched Tempest lying to the side while Starlight declared a menacing "Become one with the great Equality. Serve the common good." John nervously swallowed, starting to go faster.
Sombra's somewhat disconnected voice emerged from his mind "Hmm, finally a true battle. I haven't seen one in a while…" he sleepily mumbled.
Almost running now, John passed multiple houses before finally realizing that he reached the part of the town that was behind Starlight's back.
"OK, let's make a run for it." he resolutely decided, preparing to rush towards the artifacts floating in the air above Starlight's impassive figure.
"Wait, what are you doing? Could I perhaps get a quick explanation?"
All of a sudden, his determination was however greatly undermined "You thought I didn't see you?" Starlight's mocking voice echoed through John's mind.
"To be honest, yes." the latter sourly sighed, still not abandoning his plan.
In the meanwhile, Sombra, now completely awoke from his royal slumber "Who said that?" he sternly barked in John's head, rapidly adding a preventive "Whoever you are, know that I'm the only one allowed to talk in this mind of which I am thus King!"
John however, ignored the sleepy King's exclamations as he put all of his forces and concentration into running towards Starlight. And as he did, a wrathful cry reached his ears from the other side of the street.
"Ah, you're all worthless. It's time to take matters into my own hands." the Storm King fiercely barked to his minions "Now give me my staff!"
At the same moment, both bolted into action mindlessly running to grab the staff first before John suddenly stopped, exclaiming "No, that'd be too easy, I don't want to be obliterated nor completely hypnotized to lose all consciousness! Let's talk instead."
Starlight turned her head in his direction, her eyes still glowing with mana "I think I upped my level in shitty conversion speeches enough by now…" John determinedly continued, seeing he had her attention "So… Why are you doing all this for?"
A nostalgic yet slightly sour smile appeared on Starlight's previously emotionless lips "You want to know why I seek justice? I see, perhaps it would make your mind easier to assimilate."
"It all goes back to my childhood…" she pensively started, before suddenly getting interrupted by a strange sensation of weakness she hasn't felt in days now.
"Haha! This is my Staff!" the Storm King triumphantly exclaimed, brandishing the artifact high into the heavy air.
"Well, that also works…" John sourly sighed in the meantime, rapidly realizing his chance and grabbing the Pearl that also floated nearby, from Starlight's aura.
"N-No, you can't!" Starlight despairingly cried out before suddenly getting cut.
"We can. That's just how antagonists work. They exist to be defeated." John confidently reassured.
"And now it is time for you two to perish!" the Storm King yelled in the meantime, lightning already concentrating on the tip of his Staff.
"Sombra, please teleport me behind him." John softly asked in his head, noticing that.
The other, though still slightly confused, agreed "Alright, but I still quite didn't get what was actually happening here."
And after John rapidly disintegrated into shadow, he suddenly found himself rapidly plummeting to the ground about two miles up in the air "What? AAAAAAAAH!"
"Oh, sorry, I may have made a slight miscalculation. That is exactly why you should have left me sleep longer…" Sombra sheepishly admitted, calmly ignoring the other's panicked yelling. Thus, the next second, John found himself dissolve into ether once more.
"Fuck you!"
This time he was thankfully brought to the right location. In addition, thanks to Sombra's slight mistake , he saw both Starlight and the Storm King confusedly glance around in search of him. And so, with a triumphant "Nothing personal, kind!" followed by an internal "Fuck, I should really stop referencing shitty memes." John grabbed the Staff right From the Storm King's claws, preparing to run away before suddenly realizing something.
"Wait, I have a feeling this thing actually works." he mumbled in awed disbelief "Let me try to… teleport over there…"
And indeed, in less than the blink of an eye, John now stood on the other side of the street.
"Hey, you…" the Storm King wrathfully started "No, actually I was totally expecting this."
And as John happily eyed the Staff in his hands in total disbelief, the ponies that continued to soullessly battle with the Grunts suddenly stopped, as if waking up from a bad dream.
"Meh, whatever, I don't care about all these useless details! I finally stole something that works! I won!" with these words John started exultantly teleporting around before his head got dizzy.
"Ugh… No, this can't be real." he finally sighed after his overwhelming joy slightly passed "Something awful is obviously about to happen to me…"
"So I better avoid it and start doing shitty evil things right now!"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
After a quick teleportation the farthest away he could master, John excitedly exclaimed "OK, what's my plan now?! I'm too fucking stressed! Please let me actually do my thing for once!"
After an extremely hopeful look to the sky he brough his gaze back to his newfound staff "OK, so if I recall it correctly, this thing is supposed to be able to siphon magic…"
"Yes, now, please conquer this whole world for me to rule…" Sombra inconspicuously whispered within his mind "Ah, he'll never see it coming."
"Hey, I could just hear you, right now, you forgot?" John sourly remarked as he heard the other's schemes pass through his bustling thoughts "And I thought I could finally trust someone…"
"I mean, it was kinda my fault for picking an evil King of shadows from a race that feeds on fear and despair as this someone , but still..."
"Oh." the other simply sighed as he realized his mistake.
"Well, you know what, despite the fact I'm pretty sure your plans aren't really worth much more than mine, I think I'll just test this Staff on you." John pensively declared after a small pause.
He pointed the Staff on his chest.
"No, please! Your King commands you to immediately cease these schemes!" the other barely had the time to exclaim, before ethereal tendrils sprouted from the crystal atop the staff, encompassing the horn in John's chest.
"Oh wow, edgemancy! By far the best kind of magic in my opinion." John sneeringly remarked as he watched it operate.
Dark energy started escaping from Sombra's last piece just to be instantly imprisoned within the Staff's crystal.
"Aaaaaargh!" the pained yell resounded through John's mind.
"Yep, it seems to work pretty well too." he confidently concluded, feeling more mana come into his control "And now, let's finally make all of this decorative jewelry useful..."
With a content grin, John brought his gaze to his many artifacts. But before he could put any more of his plan into action, another pained exclamation interrupted him.
"Argh…" echoed through his mind "I feel weak like no worthy King should ever feel…" Sombra faintly whined "But this shall not last a single instant longer… My revenge shall be imminent! Face my uncontained wrath!"
"Oh, you're not dead yet?" John happily exclaimed in response "Nice."
"Die!" the other weakly silply yelled. And as he did, a small chunk of crystal, no bigger than a hoof appeared on the ground, immediately feebly attempting to launch in John's direction but simply falling to the ground instead.
"Let's just say that this wasn't… very impressive…" John skeptically sighed, wanting to kick the crystal but seeing it immediately crumble into dust "Yeah…"
"You know what? I'll just do you a favor and end your sufferings at this point…" he decided after a short pause.
"Please don't!..." Sombra weakly yelped but it was too late. The Staff was already aimed right at his horn, rapidly absorbing the last remnant of his powers.
"Yeah, so now that… Oh, fuck." suddenly, John crumbled to the ground, feeling terrible pain spark in his chest. Looking down, he saw blood abundantly dripping to the ground.
"Ah, yeah… Sombra was the one stopping me from dying since I have a fucking chunk of crystal horn stuck in my heart…" he weakly mumbled struggling to remain conscious despite the rapid blood loss.
With a desperate "I need to fix this." he concentrated all of his wavering will on his Staff and on the ultimate wish to remain alive , hoping that this was roughly the way magic works.
Thankfully it was. As in the next instant, he felt soothing warmth run through his body, replacing and banishing the cold void that was already starting to settle within.
"God, I nearly killed myself here…" John nervously sighed "A nice change from when other people try to do it…"
After taking a deep breath and steadying himself, John calmly stood back up "OK, so now that I've murdered the closest thing I had to a friend and am no longer dying, let's return to my plans."
And with a nonchalant "Alright, as I was saying, it's time to make all this magic junk finally useful." he pointed his Staff at himself once again, now aiming at the amulets that covered his neck.
"Yeah, and, I got the idea: spooky magic absorption thing." he carelessly remarked in the next second "So you really don't need to reiterate it for the next few minutes as I steal the power of all this shit."
…
Once all fo the jewels' was imprisoned within the Staff, John sighed a sigh of great relief "OK, now I think there shouldn't be anything in this whole world able to defeat me…" he confidently declared "Except plot convenience and the magic of bullshit of course, but I'm not taking these into account…"
"Yep, it's time to conquer the world!" he happily exclaimed after rapidly coming up with the rough sketch of some vague villainous monologue.
The next second, he was gone.
As a magical pop echoed through Canterlot Castle it was swiftly followed with a triumphant yell "HAHA! FOOLS, MY TIME TO TAKE THE THRONE HAS COME! AND I SHALL… Wait, a minute, there's no one here... Why am I yelling?" he disappointedly interrupted himself.
"Who dares to disturb the Princesses' meal?" a familiar indignant voice suddenly asked from behind an opening door sevral second later.
The next instant, Princess Luna emerged from behind said door with a stern frown upon her face.
"Yeah, so I should probably reenact my entrance then…" John pensively decided before yelling once again "THE HOUR OF MY RUTHLESS REIGN HAS COME! AND ITS GLORY SHALL LAST FOR… at least a minute, I hope… Anyway, BOW TO ME BEFORE I ANNIHALATE YOU!" he theatrically declared, attempting the most threatening voice he could master, which really wasn't that good.
"Yeah, I should probably learn some voice modifier spells…"
After a quick pause, he corrected his declaration "No, actually I won't annihilate you, cause that'd be completely useless…"
Before Luna could react to it in any way however, John even more dramatically cried out "But instead I shall do this !" pointing his Staff on the bewildered Princess. The same arcanic tendrils…
"Argh… Yeah, yeah, I aldeary said I got how this thing works; you can stop describing it now!"
…
And as more power flowed into the Staff, Luna weakly yet heatedly asked "What is this vile spell? How art thou doing this?"
"Well, you should have known the plot of the movie. It's pretty easy actually…" John mockingly started "Except the movie's supposed to be happening in the future or rather right now…" he then remarked, now slightly troubled "I'm kinda replacing the movie's Storm King here, when you think about it… I really hope I don't end up as a broken statue…"
"What is happening here?!" Celestia suddenly exclaimed, breaking John's digressing thoughts as she rushed into the throne room in a mix of determination and panic. Her horn was shining bright with menacing magic.
"No, tis too late! Do not intervene!" Luna desperately exclaimed, but it was too late: John had already pointed his Staff on her sister, immediately forcing the latter to crumble to the ground.
"Yeah, so while you're getting drained of your powers, can you please explain me how the fuck did your country not crumble into nothingness yet when you've got shit like this just lying around, for any dumbass like me to take?" he casually asked, a mix of mocking concern and genuine curiosity upon his face.
Before he could get any answer however, a completely different voice echoed through the throne room. A voice that immediately sent shivers running down John's spine as he turned around to make sure of its origin.
"So, we finally meet again!" extatically exclaimed Lyra, suddenly existing a wall on the other side of the room.
"Oh, Fuck no!"
It was then that a different yet also terrifyingly familiar voice spoke "You thought you could escape, me?"
A second later, as Lyra suddenly teleported just in front of John's quivering face, he noticed the star-shaped amulets that ornated her neck "Sorry to interrupt your little fantasies, my dear." she softly murmured, now somehow speaking right into his ear "But the time has now come for me to take my revenge." Cosmic Chaos ruthlessly concluded with her own voice, as thick layers of purple smoke started to pour from Lyra's maniac eyes.
The crippled Princesses watched the whole scene in panicked awe. It was only after several long seconds completely frozen in place, that Celestia focused the remainders of her forces to carefully start crawling away.
"I don't have time for that."
And as Lyra finally lunged on the human to catch him in her long-awaiting embrace, John immediately used all of his mental and newfound magical power to teleport the furthest away from this throne room he could possibly master.
"Phew…" the next instant, he found himself standing on a cloud amidst the almost empty sky above high mountain peaks "Oh, right. Thanks to the Princesses, I can walk on clouds now." he contently remarked carefully peaking down.
This short moment of respite was however quickly interrupted by the addition of a purplish hue to the cloud's substance.
"God, no…"
And the next second, an obsessed smile still stuck on his lips, Lyra emerged right from its interior.
"Why was I expecting this…" John anxiously sighed before suddenly remembering about his Staff "Oh fuck yeah! I completely forgot I could just use it to siphon their magic. That'd make the situation relatively safe again!... I hope at least…"
Willing to point his Staff at the mare standing in front of him, he quickly realized she was in fact no longer standing in front of him. The next second, he felt soft fur brush against his leg "Yeah, that was to be expected too…"
He immediately pointed his Staff in said fur's direction "God, please, let this work!" John pleaded with a hopeful grimace. And as the same thaumatic tendrils sprouted from within the crystal's interior…
"Fuck yeah! Thanks so much, narrator!"
…They were immediately forced to retreat back by a lash of purple mist that erupted from Lyra's horn.
"You really thought it'd be that easy?" Cosmic Chaos' voice echoed from all around, making John anxiously glance at the sky "I take my words back; fuck you narrator!"
"Don't even consider it, you can never escape." Lyra's soft voice suddenly whispered as John felt her lips touching his ear.
When he jerkily jumped back and turned to see her however, there was nothing there but purple smoke. And this smoke seemed to be spreading to everything "It's almost at horror shit levels now… I'm really starting to freak out." The next second, he saw nothing but purple haze. And in this haze, a pair of softly glowing eyes appeared just in front of him, rapidly growing even closer.
In utter panic now, John immediately looked around in search of an escape route, suddenly remembering the existence of the Staff in his hands. With a trepid "Fuck this." he teleported back to Canterlot Castle.
"Please, tell me the Princesses had a back-up plan or something." he mumbled, panickily glancing around to see both of them gone "Good. If they got away, they might even end up helping me against this nightmare… Or they're just dead."
"God, I knew getting this Staff so easily meant nothing good…" he uneasily muttered, giving the artifact in his hand a frightened look before pleadingly raising his eyes to the ceiling "Why you gotta do this to me, narrator?"
The next second, he felt something touch his foot "Oh god, not again…" Looking down however, all he saw was a small cloud of purple mist.
"That's still not good." he mumbled, immediately attempting to free his foot. It was unsuccessful. And as he heard a maniac laugh echo all around, forcing him to shiver while his sight desperately darted to every sign of movement, John suddenly felt the Storm King's Staff being torn from his hand.
"Oh."
The next second, a flow of purple mist flooded the room as an unstoppable tsunami of terrifying arcane might. He heard Lyra's falsely reassuring voice from behind his back "You won't need that now."
Attempting to run only to realize his foot was still firmly held still by Cosmic Chaos' mist, John almost stumbled to the ground.
"God, I'm so fucking terrified, I can't even master chiming in some random comical bullshit to break the tension at this point."
Suddenly, he found himself imprisoned within Lyra's tight embrace, as she teleported to him with a fulfilled sigh.
"Alright, this ain't that bad, but I'm pretty sure it won't be so gentle for too long…"
"I knew this moment would come…" she extatically murmured, her smooth voice almost seeming to come from within John's head now.
As the bonds on his legs eased, but only for a moment, John felt himself falling to the strangely soft floor, still entrapped in her embrace.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I was talking about…"
He felt a gentle hoof poke his nose "Boop." Lyra sheepishly giggled, immediately tightening her ebrace even more.
"OK, now this is beyond all levels of menacing."
"You should have never messed with forces far beyond your mortal understanding." Cosmic Chaos ruthlessly added, her mocking grin materializing in front of John's eyes "Now enjoy your punishment. I'll watch…"
"Alright, guess I'll die then… No, this is way worse actually." John internally sighed before completely snapping "PLEASE, SOMEONE FUCKING SAVE ME!"
Yet no one did. There, powerless, he lied, waiting for his ultimate doom to come…
"No, this can't be the end! It just can't…"
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
The Sun is a Deadly Laser... And So Are the Elements of Harmony
But while John was struggling to keep his integrity, the once mighty Princess Celestia was struggling to keep herself from falling over out of overwhelming fatigue…
She was very hungry too. But the kitchen was far away. So far away… Vaguely remembering a map of the castle, she got the scale of just how far away it really was…
Everything was alright though, or at least that was what she kept telling herself. Eating could wait. All that she needed to do first was send a letter to Twilight and she and her friends would fix it all. Like they always did .
And the fact she was drained of her magic was but a minor setback. A very minor one. Not that she had actually participated in the elimination of a threat to this world for the last… thousand years or so.
She somewhat regretfully sighed, slowly stumbling towards her study.
After all, being trapped in corrupted vines, changeling cocoons or turned to stone was much easier than actually fighting. So becoming useless once again was just the normal way of things in situation of such crises.
Ah finally, there was the study. Never in her life would the Princess have thought that the corridors of her own palace were so long… After all, instant teleportation doesn't really convey distance that well…
And here was some parchment and a quill. All she needed now was to write a letter and… Sending a letter required magic. And the latter currently wasn't something she had to spare…
There was probably enough left to send it but… She needed to write it by hoof…
"AAAAAAH! Please no!" resounded through the remains of a throne room that was currently being reformed into an amalgamation of monstrosities by Cosmic Chaos' relentless purple mist in the middle of which John still lied, trying but unable to escape Lyra's embrace.
"Oh, narrator, you're here again!" he shakenly cried out to the air, slightly pausing his escape attempts "Could you somehow stop this?"
"There will be no narrator to save you this time!" Cosmic Chaos immediately replied, her ominous voice seeming to complete engulf the room "He is but a mere puppet in the hands of the Gods of this universe. And thankfully, I am one of the latter."
Though still frightened and unable to properly move, John sneered "Yeah, yeah, I think your overwhelming ego has been well established at this point… You really don't need to emphasize it."
The other exasperatedly sighed "Do you have a quota for being cynically annoying in tense situations?"
"Well, actually…" John enthusiastically started.
"Shhh…" he was suddenly interrupted by a soft hoof being placed on his lips "There's no need to make a fuss. No one's around to help."
With panicked realization in his eyes as he looked at Lyra's passionately grinning face, a regretful "Oh, right… I was being violated…" passed through John's mind, swiftly followed by more attempts to free himself and a muted yell.
Meanwhile, in the relatively peaceful village of Ponyville, the somewhat recently coronated Twilight Sparkle was pensively looking at a new letter from Princess Celestia that had arrived several seconds earlier.
"I don't know Spike." she hesitantly told the little dragon who had given the letter to her "It's almost like there's something wrong with Celestia's hornwriting today… It's quite hard to read."
"But from what I can gather we need to bring the Elements of Harmony to Canterlot, but why?" she continued, worry rising in her heart "Oh sweet Celestia! This must be something serious! Maybe a changeling attack? Or the return of Nightmare Moon? Or something so much worse we can't even imagine it!" she finally exclaimed, holding here head in her hooves.
"Just, please don't panic!" Spike reassuringly pleaded "We can defeat it, whatever there is."
The other didn't listen however "What threat there could be that even the royal Princess herself can't deal with? And can we do it then?" she kept on rambling before suddenly exclaiming "We need to gather all my friends immediately! I feel like Equestria's fate depends on it."
The next second, she was gone, the castle's doors wildly swinging in her wake.
"That is at least a step in the right direction…" Spike sourly sighed before suddenly getting teleported onto Twilight's back.
Laying, unable to move, in the midst of a rapidly decaying Canterlot Castle, on a bed of intangible yet unnaturally soft smoke, John slowly reflected on his condition.
"I think my brain reached a level of utter fear and disgust that just made it completely numb at this point…" he internally sighed, fearful of somehow disturbing the mare that was lying upon him.
"No, don't remind me of it, closing my eyes, I almost managed to phase out of reality here." he shuddered, feeling Lyra slowly stir as she affectionately caressed his cheek with a soft "Shhhh…"
"I mean, she ain't doing anything too illegal right now but…" John's thoughts were interrupted by a sudden kiss.
Suppressing shudders, he regretfully mused "And I thought eating cake with Celestia was weird…"
"You know what this feels like right now? Some half-assed clopfic where the author was constantly struggling to keep it softcore because he had no idea of what was supposed to happen afterwards…"
…
Suddenly, Lyra shifted again. And after a pop of teleportation, John felt her weight no longer upon him. Hopefully opening his eyes, he saw the other concernedly standing at a slight distance.
"How could I have forgotten!" she regretfully exclaimed "After years of study of the human race, I had determined that they absolutely love socks!" With this exclamation, the latter immediately appeared on her legs with a magical pop. She then looked John right into the eyes with overwhelming hope and passion.
"I must say that is better." he reluctantly admitted, after thorough consideration of the socks "But it still only slightly reduces my overwhelming fear and urge to flee."
"Perfect." the other replied, immediately teleporting back to her previous position, only clenching John even tighter. The tingle of fur upon his skin was now partially altered by that of soft silk.
"You know, this kind of situations is a great display of why you shouldn't draw pentagrams on the floor with ketchup. It may lead to very unforeseen consequences…"
In the meanwhile, the agitated Element bearers steadily walked through the Everfree Forest, mostly unaware of the scale of the threat they faced. That didn't really stop from trying to guess it though.
"Oh, I know, maybe Discord is back being evil again and the town is drowning in chocolate rain!" Pinkie Pie excitedly exclaimed "Or maybe it's a giant pastry monster, coming to avenge its fallen brothers. Or worse, I'm completely sure of this one: a shortage of cake!"
"Pinkie, stop!" Rarity sternly intervened "Twilight is already panicked enough."
"No, no, no, she's right!" the latter immediate argued, completely panicked "It must be something terrible!"
"No. It's not necessarily a bad emergency." the other reassuringly replied, placing a comforting hoof on Twilight's back.
"But look, she… she even wrote HELP here and that could only mean one thing: that… that she needs our help!" the Princess restlessly stuttered, heavily breathing.
"I can't argue with that, darling." Rarity admitted with a calm smile "But I must say that help doesn't always mean defense from world-ending threats. Perhaps she's just needs us to help her recover from a rough party." she proposed after a moment in her thoughts.
"But… But the Elements of Harmony!" Twilight yelped, agitatedly spreading her wings.
"You have no idea how rough parties can be these days…" Rarity simply reassured.
Applejack also placed a hoof on Twilight's back. She quickly glanced at Celestia's letter "I sure can't read, but that paper ain't sayin' anythin' 'bout end of the world, does it?" she confidently asked.
"N-no, it doesn't but…" Twilight stuttered "But her writing just seemed so shaky and weird! I've never seen anyone write like that!"
Approaching, Rainbow Dash snatched the letter from Twilight's magic "Nah, don't worry!" she exclaimed, looking at it with mild interest before tossing it back "I, for example write like that all the time!"
The letter got caught by the wind, swaying in the air before almost getting blow away if it wasn't for Fluttershy "You should really stop worrying all this much, Twilight." She calmly said, giving the letter back to the panicked mare "You know, the world isn't always about saving it. And now, you should relax. Because even if something bad had happened to Canterlot, I'm sure Princess Celestia would have easily taken care of it herself."
Twilight took a deep breath, trying to expel the apocalyptic scenarios from her mind. They were already going down the stairs to the Cave of Harmony and even if there was something to worry about, it would never stand a chance against the Elements. Or would it? No, there was no need to be scared. Everything was OK. Probably …
After they descended into the cave, taking the Elements one by one from their ancient pedestals and putting them on, all felt soothing calm rise in their hearts. There was nothing to fear.
"I'll teleport us all to Canterlot, I just need to make sure there isn't anything bad happening." Twlight suddenly announced, encompassing everypony in her magical glow.
"What? Then why do we always bother going there by train, when you can just do that?"
And as he…
"Oh, you're back! Back again…" John internally remarked, emerging from his thoughts for a second "You know, I might have accepted my fate, but it'd still really be nice if you actually saved me at some point instead of disappearing god-knows-where?"
He felt Lyra's lips touching his skin at questionable locations "Argh, and now that you're describing it, it's much harder to ignore too…"
But while John's torment continued, little did he know of what was happening outside.
"Oh, now you're getting me interested."
Indeed, the next second, following a panicked "Sweet Celestia, what is this?!", the prismatic ray of the Element's unaltered light washed over the corrupted remainders of Canterlot Castle. Its raw power immediately started to banish the unearthly mist that had settled there into nothingness, and those within this mist felt this very light slowly burning them too.
"Fuck, I would have never thought I'd be thankful for this… Cause now, it is time for me to die, painfully and honorably. I mean, as honorably as someone who caused the death of a world, before fleeing from it to attempt mostly the same thing here but failing this time and almost getting fucked can do it, but still honorably." John confidently sighed, looking around at the depleting smoke.
As the corruption retreated however, a part of especially concentrated mist above the castle formed into a draconic head. Cosmic Chaos' last roar resounded all around Canterlot "ARGH! COWARDS! YOU CANNOT RELY ON YOUR TRINKETS FOREVER! THE DAY OF MY RETURN SHALL COME!"
"Yeah, yeah… That's basically what you said the last two times…" John skeptically dismissed in the meantime "Ah, I hoped I'd be able to skip this part of being evil… Well, I guess being a villain just isn't really worth it then…"
The next second, he felt an embrace strengthen around him and remembered Lyra's exitance "Ah, at last! We shall be forever united." she extatically whispered into his ear.
"OK, PLEASE KILL ME FASTER!"
As all smoke disappeared from his surroundings though, only the overwhelming light of the Elements encompassing all his vision, John did not die.
Neither of them did. It was simply against the Elements' nature to kill. Well, except that one time when they were used on King Sombra, because fuck that guy .
Instead, the burning light had banished them to a safe distance, draining them of their stolen power wich returned to their original owners.
Equestria was saved once again.
"…Wha…"
"What the fuck, I'm not dead? Where am I then?"
"Oh, it's pretty hot around here and I can see the Earth beyond the horizon so…"
"You're on the Sun."
"Oh, it actually ain't that bad here… There even isn't a narrator, great."
"I've definitely seen worse…"
"Yeah, and then, I guess I did what I wanted now: I've become an Edgy Villain. Because the most important part of being a villain really is how you get defeated and banished to eternal sufferings. And here it is for me."
"My eternal sufferings aren't even that bad, I feel."
"And now, we can finally be together for eternity, my dear!"
"Oh, fuck no! I forgot she's here too. I take my words back! Get me out of here!..."
Author's Note
No, that is not one of these shitty cliffhangers I appreciate so much. That's the end of it. And I hope you liked it. Because, as much as I appreciate the person who added this to the Never Ending Stories group not too long ago, you were sadly wrong.
Thank you all for reading this fic for all this time. Like, it's been going for a whole fucking year with varying regularity (and I missed its anniversary by only a few days too, which is pretty stupid...)! I just can't believe it! I'm really impressed by how many people enjoy my ramblings.
But whatever, I'll end the generic thank-you message here.
Also, by the way, if there are people who still want more of John's shitty adventures, I might write some form of sequel to this, but for the moment, I'm at least taking a break (yeah, another one).
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
In the Beginning... You Need to Start
It was a day that looked completely normal in the bright and colorful land of Equestria. Celestia's Sun was warmly shining in the skies, its golden rays touching the land below with an unmatched grace. The wild animals bustled around, cheerful squeaks filling the air. The ponies went on with their lives, their towns and villages welcoming as usual.
"I don't care"
All over the beautiful land of Equestria, joy and peace prevailed, its friendly inhabitants enjoying the warm days of the passing Summer.
"Stop!"
Even in the Everfree forest, a place nearly devoid of all this bliss, the inhospitable nature seemed to be embellished by all this warmth, the silent trees calmer than usual.
"Hey, are you even listening to me?"
...
"I know the world is beautiful and all, but... who cares?"
Perhaps, this day wasn't completely normal after all. Indeed, in the midst of a clearing in the cursed woodland, quite an unusual creature held itself on its hind legs. Its alien features, along with its rudeness were highly unusual in the Equestrian land. It...
"Shut up! I'm not that rude, you sick fuck!" it uttered at the air, then added "And stop narrating shit no one cares about so that I can talk to myself properly!"
...
"OK, I can finally have some peace now!" it said to itself, as its loneliness had no equal other than its stupidity.
"Hey, I'm not that lonely! You know, I'm a very social person in reality. Just that here I don't really have anyone to talk to." it lied.
"No I didn't! And stop calling me it , it's really unnerving!" replied the impolite idiot.
"Really?" he added, disagreed with his new title.
"You know what? I don't care. I'll ignore you for the moment, because I really need some time to process what just happened and it's not an annoying narrator who will stop me from doing it." he sat down in the shining grass, visibly accepting his defeat.
"Oh, shut up! Don't interrupt me while I'm awkwardly monologuing to myself"
...
"Wait, Why the fuck am I even able to speak to the narrator?... Why is there even a narrator in the first place?... I guess, you won't help me with that, will you?"
...
"Yeah, that's what I thought. Didn't expect better from such a jerk!
"Well, back to my topic. Now that I think about it, I guess it kinda makes sense for a narrator to exist here in Equestria... Wait, in Equestria
"OK, so how the fuck did I end up here?... I don't remember smoking any illegal substances lately. I didn't even drink anything. That's unusual...
"Oh right, that thing! I didn't think the weirdly cheep-looking ritual I saw in this stupid YouTube video would actually work. I mean, you can't blame me. When the thing asks you to draw a pentagram on the floor with ketchup, put an MLP figurine in the middle, light up blue electric candles all around it, play the Star Wars theme on a Kazoo and do a Fortnight dance while wearing flip-flops with socks. How could I have expected it to actually send me to Equestria?... Or even do anything other than embarrass myself in my extreme and utter loneliness.. .
"Well, I guess now that it happened I can't really do anything about it. Or can I? And is it really a bad thing anyway? I mean, Equestria looks like a lovely place when it's not described by one of those edgy grimdark fanfic authors. I think I won't mind staying here for some time.
"But then, does Equestria have good Internet connection?... I suppose not... Then it's terrible! How am I supposed to survive without browsing my shitty reddit memes?! I'll die of boredom!
"Well, I guess I don't really have the choice anyway... So, if I'm here, what could I possibly do? You know, this place feels weird. I've never really been outside for more time than is needed to by some pasta.
"Hmm... I mean, I could do the reasonable thing, go meet the ponies, scare them, spend some time doing shit with them... I don't know, fuck a horse? But would it be fun?... Would it?... I don't know.
"Maybe I have a better plan. Yeah, what if I tried to become one of those shitty OP human in Equestria OCs. That sounds better. I think I even have a plan!
"So, the idea would be to:
"Doesn't my plan sound lovely?... Oh shit, I forgot I'm completely alone and talking to myself in the middle of the forest. Wait, I'm not completely alone...
"Hey, narrator, could you be useful for once and approve my amazingly perfect plan?" he cried out, scaring several birds on the adjacent trees.
However, no response could be heard, the forest remaining silent and menacing as before.
"OK then, I guess you superior fuck are too occupied by your —oh so important— deeds to care about us mortals. Then know that I'll continue my needlessly long exposition monologue without any of your help!
"So where was I?... Ah yeah, I was talking about my awesome plan. Well, the first thing to do would be to find an OP artifact. It shouldn't be too hard... I think. Well, if I'm in the Everfree forest, the first obvious thing to look for would be the Alicorn Amulet. But I'm not like all these hypothetical normies! What if I try to find one of the fallen stars from the Cosmic Chaos? You know that evil thing that they just introduced in the last MLP comic?"
...
"Oh right, I'm alone... Well, it doesn't matter, I'll do it anyway... I just need to know where to look."
...
"Hey, narrator! Could you, in your godly grace and infinite wisdom, indicate me the position of said fallen star, as my mortal intellect —greatly lacking compared to that of your kind— is unable to locate a buried jewel from its vague depiction in a comic book?" asked the human, his eyes filling with hope.
The expectation within his gaze however, turned to disappointment, as in the blue skies, a cloud formation closely resembling a human middle finger appeared, slowly floating to the whim of wind and rapidly dissolving.
"I'll take it as a No . Oh and by the way, please call me John. It will make life easier both for me and for you." added John, the disappointment in his eyes quickly fading away.
"Then, I guess I'll have to go for the Alicorn Amulet instead. It's probably better anyway. I wouldn't want to be possessed by a sassy cosmic deity... Or would I? NO! Of course not! What the fuck is wrong with me!
"Huh, anyway, I could already get a backup plan. Knowing my amazing discretion skills it probably won't hurt. Well, What are the other OP trinkets I could steal? Hmm... I guess I could write a list. Wait, where am I supposed to write, I'm in a fucking forest!" John cried out of discontent when suddenly, his hand collided with something in his pocket that he didn't pay attention to earlier.
"Wait, it's paper? Where the fuck did that come from? And there's a pencil here too...weird... Oh right!" the realization hit John like a train wreck.
"I guess you're not that useless after all, thanks a lot oh great and powerful narrator!" he said, his eyes expressing such thankfulness it couldn't possible be described.
"I wouldn't go that far, but yeah. I might insult you slightly less often now that I know you can actually help me when you feel like it." as he finished these words, John took out his newfound paper and started scribbling on it with his terrible handwriting.
"Hey, I usually write on computers don't blame me! And besides, if you don't want me to insult you, you should speak a bit less often."
...
"Well, let's get down to business, to... oh I really shouldn't randomly start singing for no reason. Yeah, now that I think about it, if you include the comics, there is a lot of different OP artifacts I could have access to. Like, at least three or something. I think doing a list should be pretty easy."
"Let's go with that for the moment. Stealing the Alicorn Amulet shouldn't be that complicated anyway! I hope... Oh, I think I have another problem."
"WHERE THE FUCK AM I!" John uttered at the top of his lungs, his displeased voice nearly reaching Zecora's hut, nearly ten miles to the North.
"Oh narrator, thanks again mate!... Wait, ten miles ! First, that's fucking lame. Knowing my agility and speed, the journey'll probably take about two days. And second, HOW THE FUCK DID MY SCREAM REACH THAT FAR?!" he shouted, his voice imbued with the ambient magic that immediately amplified it, spreading the sound in every direction.
"Yeah, that's right, try to cover up script incoherence with random magical bullshit. I'm sure no one will notice!" said the ungrateful jerk also known as John.
"Oh, come on! I thanked you, isn't that enough? And besides, it's not my fault that this fucking house isn't any closer. I wonder who decided that, Huh?" exclaimed the impolite human as his endless shouting and useless monologuing started to draw local Timberwolves' attention to the small clearing.
"OK, chill dude, I won't talk shit to you again. I'm not ready for this! I don't want to already die!" he cried out, the screams further luring the wooden predators.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!... Wait, I could talk in my thoughts instead of randomly screaming for the entire forest to hear..." he thought, the rumbling mess within his brain setting itself in motion.
"Nah, that's too easy!" he exclaimed proudly "Oh narrator, I thought we already got over it! Don't comment on every single line of my awkward monologue! I don't care! And even if you're talking to someone else, they probably aren't so stupid that you actually need to tell them every single of my movements!" as he finished his sentence, a dry branch cracked not too far away in the forest. The Timberwolves were approaching.
"That doesn't sound good... Doesn't sound good at all. I need to come up with something and fast or my first day in this world might also be the last (wow that rhymes, cool)... I don't want that, I already composed a perfect plan! It'd be such a shame if I don't get to put it into action!"
"Yeah, that's clearly the thing that scared me the most in death, except maybe... THE FACT I'LL FUCKING DIE!" this last scream was so loud that the wolves —that already lurked only several dozens of meters away— immediately jerked their heads towards the sound, their morbid howl filling the air as they stalked their prey.
"Shit "
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
…They're Kinda a Cheap Way of Keeping the Reader's Attention
"Oh… Fuck… what happened?
"I hope it wasn't as hentai as it looked…" grumbled John, slowly awakening under what felt like a small pile of rubble.
"What? This doesn’t really help a lot." he continued, struggling to open his sealed eyes. "The hentai option's out though. Good."
"Well, it seems no matter what went on here, you're still there, annoying as usual…"
As he finally managed to separate his eyelids, the sight that met his gaze wasn't the most welcoming one.
"Oh… This doesn't look like Canterlot…" observed John, taking a panoramic glance around "Doesn't look like shit actually…"
"Hey!" he suddenly heard a weak cry coming from somewhere behind him amidst all the rubble "Here!"
"Hey, I don't have time for saving random characters right now! I just awoke from a long-ass night of unending nightmares, so I at least need some time to turn my brain on.
"Like, the fact that the word suddenly looks like an endless nuclear wasteland with a grey sky and all these dead bushes as in that alternative future of the Season 5 finale already isn't helping."
"I could explain that if you help me!" exclaimed the unknown voice, pleading.
"Oh, that changes everything! I'm coming!"
Uneasily moving through the remains of scorched buildings and ash-turned plants, John slowly made his way to the voice.
"Hey, I kinda remember this voice, did we meet earlier?"
"I think you'll get it when you find me." responded the voice.
"Maybe…" agreed John, trying to take an ashen plank out of his way.
After about a minute of lazily walking around and dispassionate tries to remove some of the debris, John finally found something. Or rather somepony.
"The pony part of it was to be expected."
But it wasn't just anypony. "Oh… You?"
"Yep, me." responded the latter, lying, half scorched in a small puddle of his own blood.
"Background Pony Number 347, is it?" asked John, too disturbed by the gruesome sight to actually do something useful.
"Nope, 377. You never got it right…" corrected Background Pony Number 377.
"And, you're an alicorn now?" continued John, suddenly noticing the change behind all the gore.
"Yep, no Elements to shoot me this time."
"And, you're kinda dying too…" he finally concluded.
"Well, I'd be happy to die a split second before telling you that super important information you absolutely need…" started the injured pony, setting his horn alight in a soothing glow "But since I have no such information, not really. Alicorns don't die." he finished, applying some sort of basic healing spell on his wounds.
"Oh, that's great." sighed John in relief, happy for his friend.
"Hey, he's not my friend! I only met him twice, and first time was as close to murdering him as you always are to murdering me! Find better ways to paraphrase his name next time!"
"Is it?" the question pulled John out of his thoughts.
"Do you wanna die?" he asked, troubled and confused at the same time.
"Look at the world."
Eyeing the barren wasteland around him John couldn't help but agree "True…" then, he suddenly remembered what he came here for "So, you didn't actually need help, did you?"
"Does moral help count?" sheepishly asked his semi-injured companion.
"OK, I can get behind that." conceded John, heavily sighing and sitting down on the dusty floor.
"So, you were about to tell me what the fuck happened. Because apart from being trapped in that terrible unending nightmare, I didn't really do much lately."
"Well, you kinda did do much lately." corrected Background Pony Number 377, rubbing the back of his head "It's all somewhat because of you, actually."
"Oh."
"Yep…"
"How exactly?" asked John, still somewhat sceptic about this whole situation.
"Well, after you somehow managed to summon that Nightmare demon, your plan kinda worked." admitted the alicorn "It was complete shit, but it still somehow worked."
"How do you even know about my plan?" quizzed John, slowly getting more and more confused.
"You told me." responded the other as if it was obvious.
"I don't remember doing that… But then, I can't really remember shit…"
Things weren't really getting clearer though "Really, when?" he asked, still deep in his thoughts.
"Recall that time you said I won't be one of those corpses decorating your overly spiky castle?" inquired the pony in response "Well, you actually held your promise… After shooting me with the Elements of Harmony and leaving me half dead on the floor of course…"
Not minding that last tackle, John had more important questions "Wait a minute, are you saying that I actually managed to gain control of the world and be that shitty edgy villain I wanted to?" he asked in complete disbelief.
"Yep."
This was a bit too much to take in "Then why the fuck do I only remember that crappy eternal nightmare and nothing of what you're saying?!" he uttered, jumping to his feet while vividly waving his hands.
"And shut up, you narrator!"
"No idea… Actually, I always thought it couldn't exactly be you since that guy in power wasn't stupid enough, but yeah…"
It was then that the realization struck John "Oh, I think I remember the lore now!" he exclaimed, bringing a hand to his forehead. "Yeah… That Nightmare shit, when it possesses you, it just takes control and traps you inside your worst nightmare forever… That should have been a thing I thought about before trying to summon it."
A wave of curiosity washed over Background Pony Number 377's mind "What was that nightmare, by the way?" he asked "Because you do seem quite scarred by it."
"Oh, terrible." started John, taking a dramatic stance "It all starts as a normal day. I wake up, then, all of a sudden, I stub my toe! And god, does that motherfucker hurt! Once I finally manage to suppress the pain, I turn on my PC and —oh tragedy!— there's a Windows update!
"But that's not all, because —broken and angry— I go make myself a coffee to cheer up a bit. But it's too hot! I can't drink it or, worse, can't even lift it with my bare hands! So, armed with a pair of those think baking gloves, I pick it up, and —oh horror!— there's a wet circle under it! So, even more despaired, I come back to my PC… But the update's stuck at 99%! What can I do? Nothing but wait!
"So, as I take out my phone —that, thanks god, isn't updating— it is with utter dismay that I discover that it only has 1% of battery left! Then, it goes down to 0% but stays on —which is way worse actually because I can't find the charger and am forced to use it, fearing for it to shut down at any second. Checking my Reddit, as usual, I see that my latest post has gotten a downvote! What savage could have done such crime?
"And then I wake up. But it’s the same day again. And that, for an eternity. True torture." finishing his overly theatrical tale, John sat down on the dusty ground near his companion again, exhausted by the quality of his performance.
"Wow." was the only reaction the other could master "I didn't understand about half of that, but it did seem terrible to be part of."
"Yep." confirmed John with a deep sigh "So, how were things down here?"
"Less awful, I can say that." assured Background Pony Number 377, putting a reassuring but dirty hoof on John's shoulder.
"Well, it isn't too hard." responded the latter putting the reassuring hoof back on the ground.
"Nope. Even this guy doesn't have the right to soil this, already terribly dirty, t-shirt. Fuck, I didn't change it in ages… When you think about it, that's actually not too different from my normal lifestyle."
Extorting John from his thoughts, Background Pony Number 377 proclaimed "Actually, it was kinda good, for you at least. Or rather for that Nightmare thing."
"Because it actually managed to pull something off?" mused John, still somewhat doubtful.
"I mean, that's not what usually happens to villains in the show…"
"Yep. It's much harder to defeat anything without the Elements, you know?"
"Oh, right." exclaimed John, remembering all the artifacts in his possession. He immediately looked at his body, inspecting all the jewels. They were all still here except…
"Wait, did that fucking Amulet change color again? It's blackish now… as that smoke thing in my eyes…
"That's just stupid… Is this thing an alignment detector or something?..."
"Well, apparently it got corrupted by the Darkness or some shit like that. I mean, that and the Elements. Look, they're slightly darker now." explained his companion, pointing a muddy and slightly blood-covered hoof towards the, once hallowed, jewels.
"That sounds like an extremely bullshit explanation…"
"Anyway, you were saying?" insisted John, eager to know the rest.
"Oh, right" exclaimed Background Pony Number 377, coming back to his story "So, you know that Alicorns are immortal, right?"
Ogling the scorched blood and gore splattered on the ground, John's eyes sparked with skepticism "Well, according to your current state, this might come as an overstatement." he declared.
"Nah, it's not that bad, really!" responded the alicorn, waving his hoof in dismissal. This movement however, unwillingly producing a loud unpleasant crack. He winced in pain.
"Yeah, so?" persevered John, unimpressed by this display of healthiness.
Suppressing the ache in his hoof with another rudimentary healing spell, the pony suddenly asked "See, there's no Moon?"
Not really getting the point of this question, John looked at the sky in confusion "Well, it may just be hidden by all these thick black clouds…" he suggested.
"Nope, no Sun either." denied Background Pony Number 377 before imitating John in his observation of the clouds above "It's thanks to you actually."
"I'm starting to think that the whole point of this dialogue is to just confuse me to death… Well, that and useless exposition."
"And how do alicorns come into all that?" he asked, sighing.
"That's how you got rid of them." replied the other as if it was obvious.
All this really wasn't helping "How exactly?" asked John, starting to get desperate to understand something.
"Well, you sent them all to the Sun or the Moon (I don't quite remember which). And then, you launched both into outer space." explained the pony, staring into the sky again as if trying to pierce the thick roof of black clouds to distinguish the long-gone luminaries a final time.
Turning his gaze back to the ground, John sighed "You know, it's all cool and all, but the thing is, as I hear all this, I much rather feel like that guy, listening to some epic and edgy adventures while comfortably lying on a couch, than the one who actually did something…"
"That's because you didn't do shit." said Background Pony Number 377, his grin and tone the least reassuring possible.
"Thanks for the encouragement." grumbled John, then continued "Like, all this shit would have been even cooler to hear if I actually did it instead of being trapped in a shitty nightmare…
"Anyway, how can you not remember some pretty important details if, according to my sleep duration, this whole thing couldn't have lasted more than about two days?" he asked, trying to change the subject to get out of his slight melancholy "I can't see myself ruling longer anyway…"
"Two thousand years."
"What?!"
"Well, this puts the time this t-shirt wasn't washed to a whole new level… Must say that the fact it survived is already a miracle…"
"Yep, two thousand years…" confirmed the pony with a contemplative smile "At least that's how it felt like to us. Time is relative, you know?"
"Not that relative though!" exclaimed John in disbelief "And, how? Like, I think I'm as good of a ruler as I am of an orator: complete shit."
"But that Nightmare thing wasn't you…" retorted Background Pony Number 377, slightly annoyed by John's stupidity.
"Don't you dare calling me stupid, you… narrator!"
"Oh, that makes much more sense." recognized John despite his small internal argument, then suddenly asked "And how did you live?"
The contemplative smile came back to the pony's face "Well, all the classic evil overlord stuff." he said, carefully waving his non-broken front leg "The overly spiky castle, the shadowy cult, the slavery and overwhelming industry despite being able to do everything yourself in the blink of an eye, the good shit…"
John looked at his movements and expressions with interest "And you personally?"
The smile on Background Pony Number 377's face slightly diminished "Prince of Nothing. Completely useless. Had my own place in the castle though. It was quite a cool time overall." he assured with the smallest frown.
"Don't you get tired of constantly saying his whole name? Because I do despite not even doing it!"
It was then that the sight of the desert surroundings brought another quite important question to John's mind "Great. So, how exactly did the world suddenly become a barren wasteland?"
"Oh, that…" slowly said the Prince of Nothing, snapping out of his short reverie "The classic stuff once again. A slowly creeping rebellion. Some illogical royalty descendants. It all took quite a while…"
Once again, the explanation didn't really suffice "That doesn't explain the complete destruction of the world."
The alicorn looked up to the sky once more (because between that and the ashen ground there wasn't really much else to look at) "Right." he paused as if trying to fathom the events himself first "You see, that nightmare thing controlling you had managed to became so powerful, and these rebels became so desperate that they just decided to wipe out everything if it somehow killed you."
"As I see the latter didn't really work." remarked John with a mocking grin.
"Well, the Nightmare thing's gone at least…" sighed the other "As is everything else in this world."
"And it even managed to kill you?" John suddenly asked, his face displaying a knowing frown.
"…"
In the suddenly awkward silence, Background Pony Number 377 raised his eyebrows to a point they seemed to be escaping the boundaries of his forehead "You realize that if you're talking to me right now, it didn't really, right?"
"Oh, I'm as stupid as before I see…"
"Yep, the Nightmare definitely wasn't you."
In the abruptly restored silence quite an important question came to John's mind "The fuck am I supposed to do now then? If there's no world to conquer, no artifacts to steal, nothing left really…"
Background Pony Number 377 brought his gaze to John, his eyes showing agreement "That's a great question I was asking myself too…" he confessed, then added with a small smirk "I mean, it's not that much of a problem for me since my specialty is doing nothing anyway…"
All of a sudden, the sound of a thaumatic energy blast, warping reality and feminine cries somewhere in the distance caught both their attentions.
Getting up to look at its origin, John slowly enounced "Oh, that's why this all looked like the Season 5 finale…"
"The what?" asked Background Pony Number 377 with a confused frown.
"It's complicated…" dismissed the other.
Still staring at the two pinkish mares that magically appeared there, it was only with a corner of his eye that John suddenly caught what looked like well too familiar mint fur amidst the ashen vegetation somewhere in the distance "No, it can't be…" he slowly mumbled.
"You said everything died, didn't you?" he asked, turning towards his companion, fear in his eyes.
"Well, yes… why?" responded the latter, forcing himself to distinguish what John just saw.
The distant fur seemed to move, showing what vaguely resembled a pony's ear.
"I… think I'll have to go now… Sorry…" stuttered John forgetting his friend's state completely. His brain was now set on run-for-your-life mode. Bracing himself, he prepared to rush towards the epicenter of the magical discharge.
"No problem." semi-sarcastically responded the Prince of Nothing, shifting to get into a better position on his pile of ash "I'm used to that…"
A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
It was already about a minute that John was running through the Everfree Forest. However, without a tangible pursuer at his heels, the motivation to do so was quickly fading.
And likewise, were fading the effects of the caffeine in his veins "Are you sure the caffeine should be in my veins and not the arteries or at least in the capillaries? Like, I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works..."
...
"Anyway, you're just about right, I'm starting to fall asleep again." he added with a yawn, before quickly steadying himself in fear of awakening slap.
This fear was however ungrounded. "Well I don't mind it now…" retorted the voice in his head.
Relievedly coming to a complete stop, John tiredly yawned once more "Great." he mumbled, before suddenly remembering something "Oh, and can you do something to shield me against Luna? I highly doubt she'll appreciate the presence of some unknown thing in the dream realm…"
"Or my presence there for that matter…" added Cosmic Chaos, with a sigh "I'll do it… It's a pretty common measure of protection for cosmic deities that want to stay unnoticed…
"Or for such idiots as you..."
"Also, can you maybe create something like a bed?" John hopefully asked, heavily sitting on a hard log and eyeing it with dissatisfaction.
"Well I could…" Cosmic Chaos agreed in an acquiescent voice, but then she added "Or I could rather transform this log into a giant tentacle that will try to catch you and break your pathetic back. How does that sound?"
With a small sigh and a resolute frown John conceded "OK, I will sleep on the ground."
"Indeed."
"I don't mind it that much anyway." he tiredly added, getting off the log and onto the forest floor with a big yawn.
Setting his head on the pillow of dried mud and grass he was used to since quite a while. It wasn't long since sleep has gotten the best of John. Only slightly shifting, he slowly drifted into the oblivion of sweet slumber.
"Pff, sleep." said Cosmic Chaos, talking through John's, now unoccupied, mouth "It's so boring… I'm glad deities as I don't really feel the need for it…"
"Now though…" she added after a small pause, filled with nothing but the sounds of the nocturnal forest "I should probably join this mortal in his mind… I think we have things to discuss…"
Well, hello again…
What?
Who's there?
Is it potatoes again?
No idiot… It's me Cosmic Chaos…
What? Where are we?
Pff… Wake up already… We're in your dream. It's pretty boring though I must say.
Oh, right…
...
Oh, that's a nice armchair you've got here…
Can I get one too?
Oh, you're so stupid… It's your dream, you can have whatever you want…
Oh, right… I think that's how it works: It is then, that a nice leather armchair appeared next to John.
Ah much better…
By the way, you do look quite nice as a Draconequus.
Huh, drop your pitiful attempts at seduction…
What? No, I'm just trying to make our relations slightly less traitorous…
Well keep trying then…
Ugh… If you don't cooperate…
…
…
Anyway, we can't just stay in silence like that! It's even more awkward then when I do it alone!
Fine…
So… I don't know, shouldn't you have your own dreams?
Huh… It's been a while since I didn't… The cold, dark prison of space doesn't let any dreams slip through its endless barrier.
Oh… That's not cool.
I've never liked dreams anyway…
What's the point?
When you're an omnipotent god, why dream?
I've always liked the dreamscape though.
After all, it's such an interesting place!
Well here, it's quite empty…
Pff, that's your problem. I'm talking in general:
A realm where mortals can feel like gods. A space of endless possibilities where only your mind is the limit…
I never got its point though… What is the utility of such perverse demonstration of godhood to ones that will never reach it?
Never reach it… I don't know, I 'm planning to reach it!
Well, good luck with that…
Because to a god, dreams are like reality. A faint, unreal recreation of reality.
Completely useless in sum.
Many gods can live without sleep though…
Yeah, sleeping is quite boring… Imagine the amount of additional time I could have spent stealing artifacts!
Doing nothing useful in sum…
Ugh… And what if I said; time spent finding your other Stars?
Well that's slightly better but still…
What is even the point of your whole adventure, why trying what you know is impossible?
Well firstly, it's not impossible! I'm sure I can get at least something to work!
And secondly… Well I do need something to do...
You know, as here, I can't just spend my days watching a children's show and scrolling through the infinite pages of the Internet in search of mildly interesting content, this seemed like the logical alternative.
Pff…
Hey, one day you'll see! I'll make my shitty plan work!
Sure…
But before that… I need to get a plan…
…
What? What are you looking at, up there?
Uhm… It's just that… Well, I think you should wake up.
What? Didn't I already wake up?
No. You're in a dream, idiot… I'm saying wake up as in wake up.
Ah… And why?
Well… I somewhat have the possibility to see what happens in the normal world and…
What, how can you do that?
You've got eyes…
I don't get it…
Well, while you sleep your eyes aren't used, so, why should I forbid myself to…Well to use them.
Oh… That's gross…
But that's not important, what is, is what I'm currently seeing.
And what is it?
Well, let's say from my point of view, what's happening there is… rather interesting… From yours though… It probably would be quite terrifying…
Wait…
If I say mint mare, what does it evoke?
Fuck…
As his eyes suddenly snapped open, quite an interesting sight met John's gaze.
"I'd rather say terrifying…"
The thick forest that once was around him, now much rather resembled a scorched crater, earth and trees alike melting at the colossal magical power inside.
Because in the crater's middle, surrounded by extreme destruction and floating in a field of pure mana, was Lyra, wearing the Alicorn Amulet.
To John, she was right in front of his eyes, holding him in the air with the same thaumatic field.
Illuminated by the pale lighting of the fading night, a wide, completely maniac grin was frozenly rested upon her eager face. At this very moment, she was pensively observing John's left arm, mumbling something.
"What is this devilry? Why changing such a perfect body… Well, I don't mind… It's not a problem to me, my dear." she slowly murmured, talking to herself. A second later, John felt a feather being torn from his Draconequus arm, he winced at the small spurt of pain, thus bringing Lyra's attention to his face.
"Ah, you're finally awake!" she exclaimed, her grin only stretching wider "It's been so long… Centuries, millennia!"
"And I find it's been quite a nice millennium so far… What's happening now though… Fuck, that's terrifying."
"Well, I don't know… I think this promises to be quite interesting."
While John's head swarmed with thoughts, Lyra continued "So long, since I've been looking for you around the entirety of one, then two different worlds. Since I've been waiting for this moment." with a content sigh she paused, looking John right into the eyes with her wild gaze.
In desperate attempts to free himself, the human tried wildly stirring and moving as a fly caught on a spider's web. This was however to no avail, as in the powerful magical field that held him firmly in place, he didn't even budge an inch. And so, he was, helplessly floating in the air and waiting to discover his fate…
"Well, it's not like I really want to discover it… I already have some ideas… And they aren't, let's say, very enjoyable …"
Suddenly Lyra resumed talking "Look, I've even got a present for you!" she cheerfully declared, taking the Alicorn Amulet off for a split second.
"Wait, I may have an opening…"
As the jewel left her neck, the magical field around the crater greatly reduced. John even felt himself freefalling for a split second.
"That's my chance!" he panickily thought, actually managing to move.
It all didn't last long however, as Lyra immediately put the Amulet on again, reenergizing her magic, and thus, making the thaumatic field instantly reappear.
"Fuck…"
"Well let's begin then." Lyra exultantly declared, once the Amulet returned to its place
"Ah, this is becoming interesting…"
"First, let's get rid of all this useless junk." she continued as John saw the trinkets on his body encompassed in small magical field.
"Wait, no!" Cosmic Chaos had the time to utter, as all jewels left their place at once, landing somewhere in the crater below.
"Well that's one less thing that could have saved me…"
For the first time in a while John saw the world without any smoke in his vision.
"Wow… I could have spent slightly more time saying how good it is, but I think there's a bigger problem right now.
"Wait, she even removed my Alicorn Amulet? No, that's incoherent with the lore, she can't just do that! Or maybe she can… After all my Amulet has gotten through quite a lot… And she's wearing one too so…
"And again, minor incoherencies are currently really the least of my problems…"
After a thought-filled second on John's side, Lyra continued "But that's not all!" now however, the magical aura enveloped nothing but John's clothes…
"OK, that's really starting to sound like the cheesy beginning of a shitty clop fic… And I don't wanna be part of it…"
In small puff of mint magic, they were gone (the whole situation remaining within the bounds of the family friendly , of course), teleported somewhere in the adjacent air and slowly drifting to the ground. A second later, a content "Ah that's much better…" sent chills down John's spine.
"No narrator, I think that's really starting to get not very legal (I may even dare say not very family friendly)… You should really stop right there, as the criminal scum you are." he desperately thought, even managing a moralizing frown.
It was however to no avail. Instead, he felt himself slowly descending. But unlike before, the thaumatic field holding him stayed constant as it was, still firmly preventing any movements.
Hardly managing to look down, John discovered that underneath the position of his decent was preemptively standing a nice, comfy bed.
"Ugh… You know what's the worst here? I'm pretty sure plenty of people would actually envy my current position… Well, if it interests you, I really don't envy myself right now… So, it would be very nice of you to stop."
As John finally felt the bed's sheets touching his skin, the thaumatic field slightly lightened, letting him unstiffen a bit. Worriedly looking up, he saw Lyra floating in above him, her face displaying complete extasy.
A second later, she softly dropped on him.
"No… No, fucking hell…
"God, that's even worse than last time! I'm completely helpless now! Can't even move!
"What to do, what to do…
"Wait, I may have something that just could work…"
As freaked thoughts panickily swarmed, in John's head, an idea somehow managed to emerge from all this internal chaos. And as Lyra prepared to enjoy herself, pronouncing an elated "Let's begin…" John quickly interrupted her with a "Wait, stop!".
After noticing Lyra's confused glare however, he realized that now, a follow-up was needed. Struggling to find his words, he suddenly spoke in a tone so formal, he would have never imagine being capable of it "I disagree with the terms of this transaction! For the exchange to be fair, it is required for both participants to be completely naked (within the bounds of the family friendly , of course)! Thus, I formally demand you to remove this Amulet!"
Stopping, he gave Lyra the most hopeful smile he could master in the current situation. After a second, his prestation was met with a small chuckle.
"Fuck, it didn't work…"
Then, to his great relief, he saw the Amulet slowly float from Lyra's neck "But of course, my dear…" she sweetly replied.
Once again, the thaumatic field around them faded, returning to much less terrifying proportions. Simultaneously, the magical force holding John in place also disappeared.
"Yes!"
At the very second he realized that, John immediately acted. Grabbing the Amulet, he concentrated all of his strengths to free himself from Lyra's embrace, thus pushing her off the bed and onto the adjacent ground.
Immediately, he rushed to the pile of his things, lying not too far in the crater. Rapidly putting on the most basic clothes, he used the rest as an improvised sack for the trinkets.
There was one trinket however, that he put on immediately. Filling his eyes with purple smoke, the Fallen Star returned to its place on John's neck.
And as it did, he immediately cried out "Quick Cosmic Chaos, a ladder!"
"And what about a…" started the goddess' voice in his head, before being violently interrupted.
"No! A fucking ladder, is it that hard!" he insisted, giving a small worried glance in Lyra's direction. Thankfully, she remained slightly stunned after what had occurred and didn't yet regain her composure.
After an annoyed "Fine." echoed through his mind, the earth started…
"No, it's a fucking ladder, that's all! Don't need to describe it for a thousand years!" he heatedly yelled, as a ladder appeared at the crater's nearest ledge.
"Thank you…" he sighed, using the ladder as intended.
Meanwhile an exclamation that made the blood freeze in his veins resounded behind "Ah, you're so sweet… Well run while you can, but you can't run forever… And I know that someday, you'll end up succumbing to the temptation."
Arriving to the top, John eyed Lyra lying on the bed in the middle of the crater. Her head was slightly swollen, perhaps she had hit a hard rock in her sudden fall.
"Fuck, that saved my v… uhm… my vital dignity…"
"I hope it's the last time we meet…" he faintly declared, in her direction. Then, wasting no more time, he bolted into the forest once more.
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A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain
Mindlessly Running is One Way to Avoid Social Contact... It's not the Best Though
Continuing to run through the woods as if his life depended on it…
"Because it literally does! Well, not my life, but you get the point…"
…it was only once the smooth light of the rising day reached his eyes as it reflected from the fields beyond the forest's edge, that John decided he finally could feel himself in safety.
"Phew… If there's one good point in going to Equestria, it's that it really gives you the motivation for sportive activity!
"I think I didn't run that much in the whole of my life before I arrived here!" John tiredly exclaimed, finally coming to a stop near a small clearing.
"And you'll be right to think that…" mockingly remarked Cosmic Chaos "Your most sportive memories prior to your displacement are the memories of slowly walking to the kitchen to get some snacks…"
Dropping his improvised bag of trinkets onto the ground, John indignantly exclaimed "Hey, I'm sure if we look into what you did for the last thousand years, it won't be much more sportive!"
"Well, you weren't trapped in a merciless prison in the middle of cosmic vacuum for the most of your life…" grumbled the other in much the same tone.
Starting to slowly put his cloths back on John replied with a sneering "Pff… I'm not listening to any of your stupid excuses…"
After an exasperated sigh and a much similar "Alright…" Cosmic Chaos' mood abruptly changed, as she remembered about something "Anyway, since you've finally calmed down and finished running like a coward, I think you can finally tell me: how was it?" she teasingly asked.
"What?" John immediately reacted, even confusedly pausing in his putting-on of his millennia-old t-shirt.
"Well, you get what I'm talking about!" playfully insisted the other.
"Oh that…" John sighed, resuming dressing in "I'd rather say it was not …" he grumbled after a second, now lacing a shoe.
A small chuckle escaped Cosmic Chaos "Come on!" she continued teasing "If we're going to be living in the same body like that for a while, you need to open up a bit!"
John however, was in a much different mood "Well if you're going that route, you should stop trying to betray me first!" he annoyedly retorted, now starting to slowly put all his artifacts back on their place one by one "Also, what's even the point of this question when you can just read my fucking memories!"
"Ugh… You're no fun…" Cosmic Chaos finally grumpily gave up. Then, after spending a second deep in John's thoughts, she disgruntledly added "Oh, that's disappointing."
As he finished to dress by putting on both of his Alicorn Amulets, John's visions became overwhelmed with smoke once more.
"God, I missed that…"
Contently blinking to better distinguish the three colors of smoke, John sighed "Anyway , what if instead of bringing that up, we try to decide what the fuck I'll do now?" he annoyedly exclaimed, already very eager to change the topic for quite a while.
"But I thought we already talked about that…" Cosmic Chaos disappointedly murmured "Or perhaps, you need a little something to remind you of your promise?" at these words, John's left hand started raising itself, prepared for a painful slap of his face.
"No, no, no, I'm fine without more facial pain right now!" the human hastily added, shielding his face with his other hand "I just meant, which of your other Stars I should go for next?!"
"Well I don't know. You decide when you want me to start trusting you. Because currently, I'm really not sure that I won't try leaving you for the nearest pony…"
"Well, I guess Canterlot then…" John sighed, looking at the fields that stretched far in the distance behind the forest trees "But I've just been there! I mean, it was two thousand years ago and in a different universe, but still! Like, from what I remember I've spent a week going there not too long ago!"
"It's your choice… But I'd recommend you to think slightly faster." Cosmic Chaos mercilessly replied "Because if we don't start going somewhere soon enough, who knows, I may even settle for Lyra as my next host…"
At these last words, John suddenly felt himself filled with newfound motivation "OK, I definitely don't want that! Canterlot it is then!" he hastily agreed, worriedly looking around in search of the mint mare.
"Ah… Mortal wills are so pitifully easy to bend…"
"Hey, I'm doing that for you!" John crossly exclaimed after hearing the latter "Don't insult me at least!"
Cosmic Chaos however, wasn't as appreciative as he would have hoped "I highly doubt I'll be the one to profit the most from this second Star…" she skeptically declared.
"Or will I?..."
"Great, now you're getting better at not completely revealing your evil plans to me but just vaguely foreshadowing their existence...
"Anyway, since now we know where to go…" John started, getting up and beginning to determinedly walk in the direction of the forest's end.
After a second however, his determination seemed to significantly fade "Fuck, I don't wanna spent another week on this…"
After a disdainful "Pff" Cosmic Chaos declared "I may not know a lot about ponies, but if your useless memories are to be trusted, there should be a train going there from Ponyville. Also, according to the same source, Ponyville isn't that far from here."
"Great… Except how the fuck do you expect me to get into a train full of ponies !" John annoyedly retorted, kicking a small rock.
"Fuck, shouldn't kick rocks like that, it's never safe with this guy as my narrator…"
But despite John's regretful thoughts, the rock was a normal one this time. It easily bolted far into the forest, only being stopped by a distant tree.
"Phew…"
"You're afraid of rocks now… Ah, mortal fears will never cease exasperating me with their stupidity…"
"Hey, you should know about the danger that lies in kicking small rocks by now!" John dissentingly exclaimed, barely abstaining himself from trying to kick another one "Anyway, that's not the point right now! We should rather come up with a way to get into a train!"
"Well, I don't know, no one forces you to get into the train." indifferently replied the other "They usually have got pretty desert roofs if you forgot…"
"Oh. That's actually quite a good idea… I wasn't expecting that from you!" John exclaimed, his face displaying confused gratitude.
This gratitude was however soon erased by a painful slap "Should have been expecting that from you though…"
"And don't you dare doubt my intelligence like that ever again!" Cosmic Chaos wrathfully yelled.
"Alright… Sorry, you really had a great idea. I shouldn't have teased you like that." John conceded, now slowly getting out of the woods' cover and into the sunny fields beyond.
All of a sudden, something in the distance caught his attention "Oh, hey, I think I'm seeing Ponyville over there!" he cheerfully exclaimed, recognizing the joyful town.
This blissful exclamation was however met with a grudging "Exactly. So shut up, and walk faster!"
Thought slightly upset, John agreed nonetheless "OK. It's just that, well… I can't just walk into the town like that! There's at least a small level of discretion to be kept!" he explained, carefully looking around to make sure nopony could notice his approach.
"Well that's your problem." insensitively answered the other.
John shrugged "I don't know, can't you give me a cloak of invisibility or something?" he suggested realizing how noticeable he actually was in the middle of an empty field.
"I could transform your other arm into a tentacle." Cosmic Chaos mockingly proposed instead "Then, no one will know you're actually a human."
After a small sigh and a very lacking attempt at crouching to become less noticeable, John grumpily replied "Great. Love it when you're useful like that…"
"Hey, I can't just do anything you want!" indignantly retorted Cosmic Chaos "I'm not one of those mindlessly compliant genies!"
"Yes, you're not. You're an infinitely powerful cosmic deity, things like that should be effortless to you!" John annoyedly argued, seeing the Ponyville houses starting to get close enough to be clearly distinguished.
Thankfully, no activity could be seen behind their shut blinds, most ponies still peacefully sleeping by this morning hour.
Great indignance in her voice, Cosmic Chaos heatedly replied "Firstly, I only have the smallest portion of my power right now, you wouldn't be so sapient and disobedient otherwise." she started with a frustrated hiss "And secondly, do you really expect me to be following every single of your idiotic orders as some kind of omnipotent dog?"
At that, John just disappointedly sighed "Well, I don't know, I just expect you to be useful."
A second later however, he regretted saying that. In fact, once the words left his mouth, the skin on his right arm slowly started to melt as if corroded by an extremely potent acid.
Meanwhile, the severest of questions echoed through his mind "Are you implying that I'm not?"
Wincing in pain John stopped, bringing his panicked gaze to his melting arm "No, no, no you're extremely useful!" he hastily replied "I would never even have survived if not thanks to you!"
And even as the pain stopped, the wound instantly healing, he only continued with greater passion "You're so great oh Cosmic Chaos! Greater than even the universe itself with all of its creations! I am but a pawn on in your all-mighty games!" John theatrically declared, putting his other hand onto his heart.
After a second, he pleadingly added "...Please don't do that again."
After a content chuckle Cosmic Chaos replied "You might have gone slightly too far into the hypocritical praise but OK, you're pardoned for now."
"Ah, it's still gratifying to torture mortals like that…"
John however, still wasn't reassured "Oh yes, great Queen of Malice! It is a pleasure to be mistreated by your hand!" he devotedly exclaimed, even raising his arms to the sky in a praying motion.
No longer impressed, Cosmic Chaos just jadedly commanded "Drop this ridiculous tone."
After a loud sigh John finally found the force to talk normally "OK. Just don't… Don't do that… ever again. Don't… Please." he disjointedly mumbled.
Another content chuckle echoed through his mind "Perhaps I won't, it depends on you."
Though still nervously rubbing his right arm, John managed to calm himself "Anyway, the town's getting pretty close already, I should start thinking of how not to get noticed." he unsurely declared, resuming to walk.
"Well then think about it instead of monologuing out loud." mockingly suggested the other.
At this very second however, the blinds covering one of the nearest houses' windows started shifting, moved aside by a tired hoof.
"Fuck."
Seeing nothing around to hide behind, John found nothing better to do that just sit on the ground and roll himself into a ball.
"Wow… camouflage at its height."
"Just shut up if you don't have a better idea!"
As the pony's sleepy face appeared from behind the blinds. It took him a second to notice the strange object lying upon the grass. Once he did, he groggily blinked in confusion.
A moment later however, he glanced on his clock and decided that this strange thing wasn't worth making him even more late than he already was.
After a last glimpse through the window, he hurriedly walked away, continuing his busy morning as if nothing had happened.
"Great." John relievedly declared, standing up again.
A second later, an exasperated sigh resonated through his mind "I can't believe this worked… it only further proves the deficiency of mortal minds."
"Neither do I." he agreed, shrugging "But I surely don't mind that it did."
"Anyway, I probably shouldn't be standing there like that." he continued, starting to walk in the house's direction.
"Neither should you talk out loud…" annoyedly insisted Cosmic Chaos.
Now getting in contact with the wall, John chuckled "Did you really still not learn that I can't stop talking to myself?" he jokily mused, peaking into a small street at the wall's end "Especially now that I have a myself to be talking to." he added, traversing the street and continuing to carefully walk along the town's edge.
"Well, I can still dream…" sighed the other.
Now repeating the maneuver a second time with the same success, John continued "It's my luck I'm on this pretty desert side of the town. I highly doubt it would have been so calm on the main street…"
"Anyway, my best chance probably is to just keep to the wall and count on the Someone Else's Problem field if another pony ever happens to see me." he decided, immediately employing this strategy.
"Ugh… Now that I've read your memories, I'm forced to get all of your idiotic references…"
"And that's your problem… I wouldn't even consider it as a problem actually…" he responded, nonchalantly continuing to crawl next to the wall.
All of a sudden, from a small lateral street…
"Wait, no! I know what you're going for…"
…appeared a nice, neatly dressed pony.
"Yep. Exactly what I expected…"
Visibly hurried, she sharply turned at the corner, heading right into John's direction.
"Who would have guessed…"
Not even trying anything this time, the human remained at his place, hugging the wall and continuing to slowly move forward.
"Well, time to test the Someone Else's Problem theorem then, I guess…"
For a second the mare didn't even see him approach. It was only for a second though. As at the very moment her peripheral vision caught the strange being, she rapidly jerked her head to distinguish its nature.
"Well, fuck my plans then I guess…"
What followed was a panicked cry and her rapid retreat. After another second, she was completely gone, only more distant cries for help reminding of her brief passage.
"I shouldn't stay here." John immediately understood as he heard some more distant hoofsteps approaching.
Bolting forward, he continued following the wall but with much greater speed and lesser discretion.
After a second of such running, he was suddenly blinded by the bright flash of a camera. This didn't stop him though.
"Yeah… I'm definitely better at mindlessly running forward than at hiding." he mumbled, struggling not to collide with something.
"And I wouldn't even say you're so good at that…" he heard the contemptuous response.
Wildly blinking and unable to really see where he was going, it wasn't long before John was met by the spiky embrace of a rather large bush.
"Well, at least now I'm hidden…" he cynically thought, finally managing to open his eyes and look around.
"Look around the insides of the bush that is…"
Meanwhile, in the immediate surroundings passed the loudly galloping hoofsteps of several ponies, quickly moving away.
"And that's how you escape your foes: with the power of convenient bushes!" John triumphantly mumbled from his bush.
"You've probably already alerted the whole population of this small town though…"
"Exactly! And it's because someone didn't even try helping me!" John mutedly exclaimed. Then, remembering what happened to his arm just several minutes ago, hastily added "Uhm… This someone surely isn't you though!"
He was met with nothing but an indifferent "Pff…"
"Anyway, there doesn't seem to be anyone outside anymore so I should probably get out of here."
Having these thoughts, John carefully stuck his head out of his vegetal cover, carefully looking around.
"Fuck, why are bushes always so spiky…" he discontentedly mumbled once the surroundings were confirmed to be clear.
Now extorting himself from the bush completely, John tried cleaning himself from its remains. It was without much success though.
"Ok… Let's try this again…" he sighed, approaching the wall once more.
"Pff… You're ludicrous…"
"I don't know, have you got other ideas?"
"Wait until nightfall?"
Remaining pensive for several seconds, John finally talked "That's in fact not bad. But it's also boring. I'm continuing with my plan."
"Yeah, don't even try listening to actually good ideas…"
"…"
All of a sudden, emerging from behind the small woods to the side, filling the air with whistles and sounds of wheels hitting the metallic rails, a train appeared in the distance. Following an invisible track towards what could only be Ponyville's train station.
"Oh, that's cool." John happily exclaimed, following the train with his sight.
Cosmic Chaos wasn't as happy though "Pff… Can't do anything by yourself. You're only saved by your ability to communicate with all-mighty outer beings…" she grumbled, causing John's relief to turn sour.
"Hey, you can't deny I can at least do something by myself!" he annoyedly retorted "I can run."
"Indeed… Run into bushes…"
Letting a loud sigh escape him, John now left the wall's cover heading straight in the supposed direction of the train tracks.
However, it was also then, that a drunken pony appeared behind a building, unsteadily walking from the nearest street. Not being able to react in time, John just froze in confused panic.
"Fuck, let's hope it doesn't finish as bad as last time…"
After a second, noticing him, the pony mumbled "Wa-wat ar u?" his voice filled with much more alcohol than terror.
"Oh, that's already a good start." John thought, slightly reassured.
"Wait, actually I think I've got an idea!"
Steadying himself and taking the ghostliest tone he could master he theatrically announced "I am but a projection of your clouded conscience into the misty illusions of your drunken mind! Repent, I tell you! Repent before it is too late! Cease all consumption of this accursed liquid! It is not worth the aftermath! There is nothing it is worth…"
The other however didn't seem as impressed as John was hoping "Wa-wat? Maf? I don laike maf. Ar u a teacher?" he confusedly burbled.
"Well, it didn't work…"
"I'd say ya look laike dat pink princess fro de news." the pony incomprehensibly declared, eyeing John with his hazy sight.
"Wait, do I?"
"You look like a lot of things, but no, you don't." sneeringly assured Cosmic Chaos.
Meanwhile, the pony continued his ramblings "P-princes, kan ai ask u a kvesion?" he unintelligibly asked.
"Well, we'll go with that then…"
Taking the regalest tone he could master…
"Which isn't saying much…"
…John courteously declared "But of course, my dear servant, I am listening."
Meanwhile, the dear servant struggled to find his words "Uh… I… Is de… I… I don remembe" he finally gave up.
"Oh."
John didn't expect that "Well then, my dear servant" he unsurely started "I… regally command you to… go somewhere else and… remember it!"
With a knowing frown, the pony nodded, starting to say something "Of cosse princes, I-I will… I-I go to de…" unable to finish his sentence however, he just fell on the ground, succumbing to sweet drunken slumber.
"OK then. Let's hope that's my last encounter." John sighed once the pony fell asleep "God, the sooner I leave this place, the better."
Continuing to move towards the train station's supposed location, John heard the return of a mocking voice in his mind "Hah, now you realize how I constantly feel being in your head…"
"Hey, it must still be better than the endless void of space!" he immediately argued, glancing around to make sure nopony could notice his presence.
"I wouldn't say it's much different…" indifferently retorted Cosmic Chaos.
"…"
And so, it was in sulking silence that John plunged into the small woods supposedly separating him from the train tracks.
