Party like it's your last
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Party like it's your last

Quadruple chocolate upside down lemon meringue fudge pineapple cake.

Sweet baby Jesus, I’m going to have diabetes... Tonight!

I salivate and my blood sugar skyrockets just by looking at the edible marvel in front of me. I consider proposing to Pinkie here and now just to have her cook for me for the rest of my life, the bestiality and clogged artery aspects of that scenario don’t even matter at the moment. All that matters is that cake and more importantly how much I can put in my belly.

I hug Pinkie and thank her for the party and the cake. Being the guest of honor I get to cut the cake and have the first slice. I’ll admit that I tend to go overboard when I get to cut my own slice of the cake…especially when it’s Pinkie’s cake.

“Lafayette, isn’t that a bit much?”

“Not in the least Twilight, but if I go for seconds then I’ll agree with you that it’s a bit much.” I speak though a mouthful of cake so good that it’s nearly orgasmic. Nearly but not actually, that would be awkward and messy. What Twilight considers ‘a bit much’, a bit much being a third of a cake made to feed twenty ponies, I consider just enough. Every pony gets a slice and sits down in the various chairs around Sugarcube Corner; all together there are about fifty ponies here, roughly a tenth of Ponyville’s population.

The main six, including a very happy Rarity, are all here, Toby made it, to Rarity’s surprise and delight, and so did mayor mare. Looking around I see derpy with her fiancé (I assume) and her daughter (Again I assume). I also see Big Mac (Looking quite uncomfortable being around so many ponies), Applebloom (Who is busy chatting with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.), and an elderly green mare who I recognize from Applejack’s description as Granny Smith (Who is currently napping in a rocking chair).

The only pony that I expected to be here who isn’t is Lyra. But whatever. Most of the ponies here are just here to see me (AKA that weird frigging human creature they’ve heard so much about.)

For a half hour or so we just sit, chat and eat cake. Toby takes a break from talking to Rarity to remind me of the poker game at his Apartment next week and that I can bring a friend if I want. Pinkie asks me how I like the party so far and if I like the cake, she gets an enthusiastic yes to both questions. Happy to see me happy she hops in the air and hangs there for a second. In that second she whispers something in my ear that forces me to sit back down and cross my legs. Damn Pinkie, who knew you were such a naughty filly.

I push Pinkie’s proposition out of my mind as an off white mare with half pink, half purple hair and three candies for a Mark walks up to me and asks if she could have a moment of my time.

‘Don’t be selling shit, don’t be selling shit.’

“Did you meet a sea foam green unicorn yesterday?”

‘Yes, she’s not trying to sell me shit, every time someone opens with the line ‘can I have a moment of your time’ their trying to sell me shit. It gets old fast.’

“Yeah I did, she started shouting at me in Greek and I think she said something about humans before she ran off. Why do you ask?”

“Yeah, that’s my Lyra. She’s had this obsession with humans since she was a little filly and when she heard about you she kind of went off the deep end. I don’t know what she said in Greek, I don’t even know where she learned Greek, but would you talk to her please. Maybe if she gets to meet you and talk to you then she’ll get over that obsession of hers and our life can go back to normal.”

“I think I can do that, tell her to stop by the library some time, that’s where I’m staying at. By the way you are…?”

“I’m Bon Bon, Lyra’s wife. Thank you for this, if you talk to her maybe she’ll finally calm down about this whole human thing, it gets very annoying. No offense.”

“None taken, we humans can be quite annoying when we want to be. I’ll have a word with her when I get a chance.”

Bon Bon leaves after another thank you and someone else taps on my side. I turn to see a blushing Rarity next to me.

“Hey Rarity, how’d the apology go?” Time to troll, heh, heh, heh.

“Oh it went as well as could be expected, I explained to Tobias how I’d never actually meet a mule and all the bad things I had heard about them but that he seemed so nice and that if you liked him that he must be a good fellow.”

“And then?” I encouraged her to continue with a little spin of my hand.

“Well he invited me to go out for drinks and we had a nice long discussion about Canterlot cuisine and fashion, I was quite surprised to find that he had such knowledge of high society but wasn’t the least bit stuck up.”

“And then?”

“He might have asked me out on a date.” A furl my eyebrows deeply and squint at her.

“And then?”

“I might have accepted.”

I almost whisper this time. “And then?” I draw out the ‘then twice as long as it should be.

“He walked me home, that was it, nothing more happened. I went in and went to bed. That’s it. Nothing happened!”

“Ah, I believe you. So did you get my note?”

“Eh, what note darling?”

“The note I left on your workbench. I came over around nine to order some more clothes but you were still upstairs so I left a note on the worktable and left, I didn’t want to disturb you or anything. It sounded like you were concentrating very intensely on whatever you were doing in your bedroom. What were you doing anyway? Sewing a new dress, watching TV, ‘walking home’ with somemule I might know?”

I chuckle as blood rushes to Rarity’s cheeks; I didn’t know anyone could blush so hard. I pat her on the head just behind her horn and lean in to whisper to her.

“Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone, your secrets safe with me. And besides, you could do a lot worse than Toby; he’s a great guy… for an ass.”

Rarity’s blush fades and she clears her throat.

“Well part of the secret isn’t going to be kept for very long, Toby and I had planned to tell our friends of our relationship during the party, just not that specific part of our relationship.”

“Would you like a little help with that?” She nods her head and waves for Toby to walk over. As soon as he’s next to her I stand up and whistle loudly, drawing Everypony’s attention to me.

“Hello everybody, firstly I’d like to thank you all for coming here to welcome me to Ponyville, it is greatly appreciated,” at that everyone in the room clapped a bit before settling down to let me finish. “Secondly, I’d like to introduce Everypony to a new couple. Rarity, Toby please stand up.” The white mare and the brown mule stand together and smile, Toby’s smile is warm and friendly and rarity’s is a bit forced. I can see that she is afraid of her new boyfriend (Mulefriend?) not being found acceptable. Let me fix that. “Toby here is a close personal friend of mine and a great guy, Rarity is also a friend of mine and a wonderful mare. I hope they are happy together and that things go well for them and that people don’t judge their relationship based on race. To a happy couple!” I shout and raise my glass, everyone in the room follows. I see that Rarity’s smile is now just as genuine as her mulefriend’s.

The party settles back down and ponies go back to whatever they were talking about before my toast. I pat Toby and rarity both on the back and quietly tell them to name their first five children after me. Before either can speak I stand up and walk off to get seconds of cake. It would be nice to have mutant half pony half mule babies named after me but I know that they’re nowhere near that point of their relationship yet. Besides, six of my friends back home have named their kids after me, either because I asked them to or I’ve saved their asses and risked mine to ensure that they would get to go home and see their spouse.

I smile sadly at the thought. Matt, ‘Fish’, Cisco. Some of the best friends I’d ever had. And now I will never see them again.

NO DAMNIT! You’re at a party, you’re healthy and alive. This is no time for some self pity bullshit. Be happy, you’re in Equestria; you have a new life and new friends, there is nothing to be sad about while you’re here.

Then why do I feel so depressed all of a sudden.

My rotten mood is lifted by the pretty pink pony that comes bounding into the kitchen where I stand.

“Why so blue?” she asks cheerfully.

“Oh I just remembered some of my friends back home, friends I might not get to see again.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m your friend right? So are Twilight and Rarity and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Toby and Big Mac and…”

"Yes Pinkie, you’re all my friends to, but ill still miss the ones back home. You know what I mean?”

“Yeppers, I still miss my sisters, I don’t get to visit them very often, and they live really far away.” At the end of her sentence I think I see her curly hair flatten a bit…naw, that would be crazy…but we are talking about Pinkie so nothings to farfetched.

“Well maybe I could take you there sometime.” My offer makes her hair poof back up and brings a smile to her face.

“Sure, that sounds great. But you’re still upset about your friends aren’t you?” I nod. “Remember what I told you earlier?” I nod and her expression turns sultry. “You up for it? My room’s just upstairs.” I look to my left and right, Everypony is preoccupied with the party, no one will notice if I’m gone for a few minutes, or a half hour.

“You got any whiskey?”

“I have a whole liquor cabinet full of Applejack Daniels, is that OK?”

“That’ll work, what the hell lets go.”

Twenty five minutes later Pinkie and I sneak back downstairs. I look around, perfect, no one noticed our absence. I’m still a bit tipsy from the booze but I’m not drunk enough for it to be obvious. Twilight sees Pinkie and I and waves us over. We head over to a table were a blindfolded filly is trying to pin a tail on Toby who is moving around and cackling loudly. Rarity looks at me and starts to question me.

“Darling, what happened to your shirt? It was tucked in neatly earlier and now it’s all undone.”

Shit, shit, shit! Quick make something up.

“Uh, I went to the restroom just a minute ago and forgot to tuck it back in.” I start to retuck it but rarity’s magic takes over for me tucking it in much quicker and neater than I ever could have.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it dear, we all get a bit clumsy after a ‘restful break’.”

Her voice gives it all away, she noticed.

She may know but I’ll never prove her right, years of poker and lying to people have taught me how to keep a straight face no matter what, I utilize that face right now and act perfectly normal.

“And what a ‘restful break’ it was I think I may take another one here shortly before we leave, maybe another with Twilight once we get home. Maybe I’ll stop by the Boutique and have a break with you and Toby, I’m sure that would be quite ‘restful’.” Fuck it I’m just gonna make her pay for even saying anything.

To my surprise she has a comeback “Well maybe I'll just leave the door open, goodness knows how I could use some ‘rest’. Maybe you and Toby could ‘rest’ alongside me.” Dammmnn girl, I think you just beat me at my own game. I smile politely and pat her on the back ‘well played, well played’.

I take a seat across from Rarity and Toby, next to Twilight and take the drink I’m offered. After downing half a bottle of whiskey a glass of punch tastes odd. We sit and chat for another half hour until Pinkie herds everyone outside for the big finale as she keeps calling it.

Hay bales are arranged in rows for ponies to sit on (When the hell did they get here?) and after five minutes of arranging and settling down we all had seats. My friends and I all had front row seats to the finale whatever it is.

In front of us is a small platform with a podium and a control box full of switches and buttons. Fear builds up in my gut. ‘No, please not this.’

Pinkie hops up to the stage and walks over to the podium. She stands on her hind legs and rests her forelegs on top of the control box. ‘Oh shit, oh shit.’

“Twilight I need to go now.” I try and tell someone why I have to leave but I get hushed.

“I need to leave, right now!” several ponies hush me now so I sit and say a prayer that Pinkie won’t do what I’m afraid she’s going to do.

“Without further ado, I present the grand finale to our party for Lafe,” she looks at me and winks. “I know how much you like these so...”

At that Pinkie mashes her hooves against the control box. “Goddammit!”

A hundred fireworks go off behind the stage, blasting off into the sky with high pitched whistles and thundering booms.

‘Dammit Pinkie, I liked fireworks when I was younger, now they…’

My train of thought crashes and explodes, killing all aboard as a large rocket bursts just fifty feet off the ground.

‘Cruising down a dirt road at the back of a convoy, going sixty miles an hour, shouts, screams, and explosions. The truck in front of us bursts into flame, the one in front of it is thrown into the air by an I.E.D. and falls on its side. My Humvee is hit by an R.P.G.

Heat.

Fire.

Explosions.

Death.

I jump from my seat and run. I run as fast as my legs can carry me. I run through Ponyville and keep running once all of the buildings in town are behind me. Adrenaline begins to course through my blood and I run faster. Right now I’m going faster than I had been at the end of my race with Dash; I doubt she could even catch me on foot right now.

The explosions behind me have ceased but I keep running down this dirt road. I couldn’t stop if I wanted to.

All thoughts leave my mind except for those about what I’m doing.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Left, right, left, right.

Faster, faster, FASTER!

I run past Sweet Apple acres.

I run past Fluttershy’s cottage.

I run past the trees that form an entrance into the Everfree forest.

I run and I run and I run.

I can’t breathe but I keep running.

I can’t feel my legs but I keep running.

My heart beats madly but I keep running.

I run until my body can’t go a step farther.

I fall.

I never even feel the ground; I’m unconscious before I land.

Hell fire and agonizing screams fill my mind.

How many people beside me died in that ambush?

I died in that ambush.

I died.

I’m dead.

Just before my mind ceases to wonder a question is posed, be myself and to myself.

If I’m dead, am I in heaven or am I in hell.

I don’t know.

Thought stops and darkness consumes me.

I just don’t know.

Never take soup from a stranger
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Never take soup from a stranger

It had been a normal day, it had been a routine supply run, and it had been an average convoy. So what had gone wrong? Why did all hell break lose? Why did they fire on us when we weren’t doing anything more than passing through?

I don’t know. And I don’t think I ever will.

I toss and I turn, blood and fire and death fill my dreams, my nightmares. My blood, the fire that killed me, and my death.

I was dead, I am dead. So why am I here, why am I in a world of multicolored ponies and magic? Why am I alive? Why?

A hoof slaps me across the face and I wake up. I’m lying on the floor, tangled up in an old brown blanket. I look around me; I’m in someone’s home but not one that I recognize.

Tribal fetishes and masks adorn the walls and herbs and reagents are scattered on top of table tops. A cauldron hangs from a metal hook above a fire; whatever is cooking inside of it smells delectable. I sit up and see a pony mixing ingredients into a jar, no, not a pony she’s a Zebra. How strange. I think of the world that I’m in and I retract that statement, how unexpected.

I tear the wool blankets off of myself and try to stand. I can’t. I can’t move or even feel my legs from the waist down. Shit. I try to speak but find my throat dry and my voice raspy. I can’t make put a word but the sound of my voice is enough to alert the Zebra that I am awake.

She turns away from her work and to me; a kind smile graces her lips. The bangles on her leg and neck clink together as she walks over to me and offers a bowl of stew. The soup smells fantastic but I’m weary, I don’t know who she is or what’s all is in that bowl. I look at the offered food and back to her, a cautious look on my face. Sensing my hesitation to try her meal she takes a sip of it herself and offers it to me again.

Why the hell not? I take the bowl and slurp the stew loudly and quickly. I slow down as the heat of the soup nearly burns my tongue and throat. It’s hot but it’s delicious. Some kind of meat and several kinds of vegetables are mixed with a handful (Hoofful?) of spices are mixed into the soup; I’ve never had anything so good.

I drain the bowl of its contents and try to speak, I still can’t. But this time it’s not because of a sore throat, it’s because sleep envelops me. Just before I pass out again I see the Zebra spit out a mouthful of spiked stew and smile maliciously at me.

“Bitch poisoned me…”

I slump back to the dirt floor of the hut as the chemicals from the stew lull my brain into a forced slumber.

‘Never trust a Zebra in a hut full of voodoo shit, I’m probably gonna get raped now or something just as bad.’

Three hours later I wake up again, I’m no longer in a creepy hut about to get raped; I’m now in Twilight’s spare bed at the library. I sit up and the bed creaks beneath me. Ever so carefully I get up and head to the bathroom. A hot shower and a pair of clean clothes later I walk out to find Twilight and her friends waiting for me. Pinkie looks terrible and the rest all look sad and exhausted.

“What the hell happened yesterday?” Pinkie sniffles a bit.

“When the fireworks went off you freaked out, you ran off and we chased you. We finally found you were in the middle of the Everfree forest, collapsed and unconscious. We got Big Mac to carry you here and put you in bed.” Twilight stops to catch her breath, I can hear the strain in her voice. “What happened Lafe, why did you run off? What scared you so badly?”

I sigh and sit down on the bed, despite its protests I lean back and try to think of a way to explain.

“I was a soldier; I was in another country fighting a war. When things exploded there it meant that we were under attack, that if we didn’t get to cover we would be hit. If a bomb or a grenade or a rocket or even some shrapnel hit you it would…well it would be bad. So when the fireworks started exploding my training kicked in. I ran to escape the danger and I didn’t stop until I couldn’t run any more. Speaking of running, where did you say you found me?”

“In the middle of the Everfree forest, why do you ask?”

“So I wasn’t anywhere near a hut, with a bunch of voodoo stuff in it?”

“Well that sounds like Zecora’s place but she lives on the other side of the Everfree, nearly a mile from where you were at.”

“Huh, well anyway I feel much better now so don’t be upset. Pinkie that means you, I’m not mad at you for setting off those fireworks, you didn’t know. So stop pouting right this instant and please tell me that there is some cake left.”

Seeing that I’m not mad or upset brought Pinkie out of the funk and back to her usual self, before I could even think about more cake the spastic pink pony had me enveloped in a bear hug. Soon five other ponies joined in the group hug and told me that they were sorry. I forgave them. I couldn’t stay mad at them, besides I’ve had worse things done to me by friends; the time Fish chased me with an electric cattle prod, the night Matt dared me to down a bottle of Jägermeister and then set me up with a guy (He turned out to be quite nice, even made me breakfast the next morning.), or when Cisco stabbed me with a fork (It was an accident, the explanation of how it happened is a several chapter story in itself.) all made this minor incident pale in comparison.

We sit there like this for a while, just enjoying a (Slightly awkward) group hug. After a few minutes we break it up and my friends offer to buy me lunch to make things up to me. I agree and we all head out.

I guess that the memory I have of waking up in the Zebra’s hut and drinking the soup was all just a dream. That being said, why is my ass sore?

Brewskies and Broskies
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Brewskies and Broskies

Eighty seven mother bucking trees. I deserve this drink and so does Big Mac.

We’ve made it back to the house and are currently chilling in the kitchen. Granny Smith was kind enough to make us some sweet tea and cookies. Applejack is still out bucking trees and Applebloom is over at Rarity’s for a sleep over with the CMC (Which I recently learned to mean Cutie Mark cuntdestroyers or some shit like that. It’s comprised of Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, none of which have gotten their cutie marks yet but are trying their hardest.). I laugh when Big Mac explains all of this to me because it reminds me of the club that Matt and Fish and I started when we were twelve. The ‘nookie club of America’ we called it. Good times, good times.

After Granny Smith is once again sound asleep we make our way out to the barn where Mac’s stash is at. Once there he rummages around a pile of hay for a bit before pulling a trap door opening and retrieving a large bottle of clear liquid and two mason jars. I plop down on another hay bale and fish out the remains of the Cuban I started at the party, now is as good a time to enjoy a smoke as any.

Big Mac walks over with the bottle and jars precariously perched on his shoulders and sits down across from me. He sets the glasses down and pours a shots worth in each jar. With a toast and ‘Cheers’ we both drain our glasses.

Damn that shit is strong!

“Hey Big Mac?”

“Eeyuup?”

“How bout we make this a bit more interesting?”

Mac eyes me cautiously for a second and folds.

“Why not, what do you have in mind?”

“Nothing much, just a competition. We go shot for shot until one of us can’t keep up. If I win you have to help me procure some…herbs.”

“OK, but if I win, and I will, I get two of those fancy cigars you got.”

“Deal.” We shake and I pour the next round.

An hour and a half later the sun has gone down and Applejacks walks into the barn to find Big Mac out cold and me signing along to my iPod very loudly while dancing around the barn. I can’t dance or sing worth a shit sober, you can imagine how bad I am drunk.

Applejack has the decency to take the remaining booze from me and give me some water to drink.

“Thansh Applejack, yur the besh.” I slur almost every word in my sentence. Applejack turns to leave but I catch her in a hug and keep talking. “Yor brothersh a great guy, I love em. No homo, I shwear. You know what, yor a great guy to Appleshack. One a theshe daysh yur gonna find the woman that’s right for you and yur gonna live happily ever *hiccup* after.” I trip and faceplant, pulling Applejack down with me. I turn to look at her our faces are only inches apart. “Have you sheen her Appleback? Have you sheen the angel of Ponyville?” Applejack shakes her head. “She’s beautiful, she aint got a halo or wingsh but shes beautiful. I wanna marry her Applesack, I wanna marry that angel. I wanna marry Tw…” just before I profess my drunken love I pass out.

Damn it alcohol, why do you do these things to me. Now I’ll never remember who the angel of Ponyville is.

The next day I wake up in the barn with a heavy wool blanket on me. Mac is already up and ready to go. Though I can drink him under the table he has an unfair advantage; earth ponies don’t get hangovers. What a lucky guy.

Despite my pounding headache we get the carts and leave to buck some trees. Jeff has his work cut out for him, though Mac and I chat all day, I manage to clear sixty trees today. In two days we’ve bucked five days worth of apples. I think we can do this.

That night Mac tells me that he can get my ‘herb’ from Zecora for me. Tears of happiness flow freely when I hear the news.

For the next two weeks Big Mac and I buck trees together every day. I stay at the Apple family farm and sleep on the couch every night. Mac and I never drink anything more than a few hard ciders a night after that. Every day we chat while we work and hang out afterwards. We discuss politics, religion, and philosophy, turns out that Big Mac is actually pretty smart. While Twilight, im sure, will fill the gaps in, Mac gives me the overview of how Equestria works, from the princesses that raise the sun and moon to the Pegasi that control the weather. After two weeks of working side by side we become close friends (No homo.) and talk about everything under the sun. I learn that Mac has a crush on both his friend Caramel (The one who ‘comforted’ him after his break up with Cheerilee) and Fluttershy too. I convince him to ask one of them out and he says he will.

Apple buck season is over now; we cleared the last of the trees yesterday. The Apples’ say that they will need me again come cider season and I eagerly accept their work offer. I would like nothing more than to work side by side with Mac again.

I still miss my friends back home, I always will. But it helps to know that I have some friends here that are just as cool, kind and caring.

The fact that Mac scored me some grade A weed gives him a shitload of extra bro points as well.

I leave Sweet Apple Acres with not only a paycheck and the pride of a job well done. I leave with a new best friend and bro, one who will be there whenever I need him or just want to chill.

I wouldn’t have traded my time working the orchards for the world, because a good friend is much more important than that.

Two tickets to paradise
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Two tickets to paradise

My work at Sweet Apple Acres is done, but Twilight’s is nowhere near over. She still has to calculate just how many apples were harvested and decide how much the Apples should charge this year for cider and apples by the pound. (The apples they were selling earlier were from last year; evidently produce in Equestria can last for decades.) I don’t envy her in the least.

I’m strolling down the path from the farm to Ponyville, not paying any mind to my surroundings, when a blue blur slams into my chest and knocks me to the ground. Memories of belly flops and life altering falls come to mind alongside the pain in my torso. I gasp and wheeze until my lungs start to accept air into them again. A blue hoof, I assume belonging to the blue blur that had trucked me, reaches out to me. I grab a hold of it and stand up.

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Are you OK?” I see that the blue hoof does in fact belong to the blue blur who turns out to be one Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah, yeah. What the hell were you doing anyway? That hurt.” Her mood swings immediately; from apologetic to boastful.

“I was practicing for the WonderBolts tryout next week. I’m gonna join em.”

“Sure you are, and I’m gonna be an airborne ranger.” Rainbow cocks her head at me and fails to understand my sarcasm in every way.

“Right, good luck with that. Anyway it’s good that I ran into you, I’ve been looking for you all week, I need your help.”

“I’ve been at Sweet Apple Acres for the last two weeks. So what do you need?” I make my way down the dirt path to Ponyville and Dash follows me, hovering eye level beside me as I go.

“Well there’s gonna be a concert in Canterlot tonight that I want to go to.”

“So? Just go then.”

“Well I don’t exactly have enough bits so…”

“I hate to break it to you but I’m in no place to be lending money at the moment, you should ask Twilight or someone.”

Dash shoots me an annoyed look for the interruption but goes on talking. “That’s the problem, I did ask Twilight but she won’t give me the bits unless I take somepony with me.”

“And why is that?”

“The concert is at a club that’s known for having some rowdy patrons. Also Twilight knows how much I like to drink at clubs and wants somepony to be there to keep me out of trouble and get me home safely. She won’t give me any bits unless somepony agrees to go with me and I was hoping that you would be that somepony…er, someone.”

“So you need a designated driver and a body guard and you thought of me. How sweet. So what kind of music will they play at this concert?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yeah, I’m not going if their playing shit music.”

“It’s DJ PON-3; she plays Dubtrot and some Electrotica.” I’m getting sick of these stupid ass puns.

“She any good?”

“Is she any good?! She’s the best! On the list of awesomeness she ranks just blow the WonderBolts and yours truly!”

“Fine, fine, I’m game. When is this concert?”

“Tonight at eleven, so we’ll need to leave in about an hour. That’ll give us enough time to catch the train and grab some chow and hit the club.”

“Cool, you go tell Twilight that you’re dragging my ass along and I’ll gather up my shit. How long will we be gone?”

“All night, the concert goes until three A.M. and the first train tomorrow morning isn’t until nine.”

“Where the hell will we stay from three to nine?” I’m not one to nitpick but I’m also not one to sit in an ally for six hours jacking off while I wait for a ride home. I prefer to do that in the comfort of my own room, not that I have my own room at the moment.

“I’m friends with the DJ, I’m sure she’ll let us crash at her place.”

“Fine, but if I end up waiting at a train station for six hours Imma be pissed. Understand?”

“Yeah, yeah quite your bitchin’ everything’ll be all right.” I’m starting to like this Pegasus, she reminds me of me, just swap the gender, color, race, species… actually just swap everything and leave the attitude.

“Sweet.” Twilight’s library is just ahead of us now. “Well we’re here so go tell Twi what you need to tell her, also you’d better borrow some extra bits, I expect you to buy the beers.”

“Whatever.” Dash goes to talk to Twi and I go change, most clubs prefer that their patrons don’t smell like sweat and apples.

Twenty minutes later I walk downstairs into the library wearing my new jeans and a white t shirt (This outfit brought to you by Rarity’s Carousel Boutique. Go buy her shit.). Twilight’s home for the night and arguing how much Dash needs for booze.

“Fifty bits, and that’s final!” Damn, I didn’t know that Twilight could sound so bitchy.

“A hundred bits! Do you know how much the club marks up their drinks?”

I walk in between the two and sit down. “Ladies, ladies, calm down now. How about seventy five bits, we buy the booze cheap at a nearby liquor store and I smuggle it in under my coat.”

Both mares turn to look at me and speak simultaneously.

“You don’t have a coat.”

Right! Which is why we are stopping by Rarity’s before we go. Sound like a plan?”

Twilight and Dash both nod and I get up to leave. Dash dashes out a window (Hah, se what I did there?) with a bag of bits in her mouth. She tells me to meet her at the train station but it’s kind of hard to hear due to her increasing distance from me and the cloth in her mouth. I ask Twilight what was said and then the way to the train station. I walk out of the library but I’m stopped at the door by a pair of hooves around my waist.

“Have fun tonight, be careful and keep Rainbow out of trouble for me please.” I kneel down and return the hug. It feels a little weird, I’ve never had someone hug me just because before. It feels nice. I find that Twilight is surprisingly soft and her fur smell slightly of lavender. For a moment I want to ditch Dash and stay here, just like this for the rest of the night. But the thought of alcohol and loud music draws me away from the embrace.

“I will, I promise. You guys are my friends, I never let any harm come to my friends.” I stand up again only to duck my way out of the library and into a light rain. I wave goodbye to Twilight and walk off towards Rarity’s. It looks like that coat will come in use doubly tonight.

By the time I reach the boutique its no longer drizzling. It’s fucking pouring. I open the door and shake off as much water as I can but my clothes are still sopping wet. Rarity comes to my rescue, probably more because I am getting her floor wet than that I needed it, and used her magic to dry me off. I thanked her and asked her if she could put a permanent spell like that on my jacket, effectively water proofing it, and she said she could.

Ten minutes later I leave Rarity and Toby, who was waiting upstairs (You’ll never guess what for.), and head back out into the rain.

I arrive at the train station with just minutes to spare. Rainbow waves to me from inside the train and shouts that my ticket is already paid for. I jog the rest of the way and hop on right as the conductor makes his last call. I sit down, dry and warm thanks to Rarity’s spell, next to Dash on a wide cushioned bench. Whistles blow and the train departs.

So long Ponyville, hello Canterlot.

Raves, wubs, and fillyfoolers, Oh my!(Part 1)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Raves, wubs, and fillyfoolers, Oh my!(Part 1)

Dash falls asleep, her head in my lap, just fifteen minutes after we leave Ponyville. Not to hardcore if you ask me.

I pop in my headphones and skim through my playlists until I find some KiD CuDi to listen to. I chill as the beat flows through me; his voice nearly lulls me to sleep. Absentmindedly I stroke Dashes mane, I remember my dog Duke. I remember what a great dog he was. I remember the seizures he had and the night that they just wouldn’t stop. I remember putting him down myself. I haven’t had a dog since. I look down at Dash, she looks peaceful with sleep. I’m certain that she would never approve of my petting her if she were awake, then again she probably wouldn’t have her head on my lap if she were awake either.

I scoot her off of my leg and she curls up against my side, snoring lightly and unconsciously fluffing her wings. I wonder if she dreaming of flying. Probably.

Dash is out like a light and no one else is in the train car with us so I don’t feel bad as I adjust my iPod to maximum volume and let my music carry me away. I lean back and close my eyes. I don’t open them for another hour and a half.

Music floats through my dreams just as fish float through a river. My random thoughts are given a sound track of sweet sorrow as they shift from one part of my mind to another. Fire and death sink into almost everything I think, whether it’s about my fall to Equestria, my fun with Pinkie, or the angel that keeps appearing before me, they lurk in the background, ready to destroy. Images of the ponies I’ve come to love burn away like corrupted film in an old movie projector, their faces eaten away by a growing orange gash in the screen.

Suddenly all of my thoughts scatter and are replaced by a single vision.

Somewhere between thirty and fifty people, all decked out in black suits or dresses, stand in the middle of a cemetery. A priest speaks, a woman cries. I recognize them both but their names escape me. I feel like a ghostly spectator, watching silently from above the mass of people. At the forefront of the crowd, just beside the priest and the emotional woman, is a large golden casket. I can’t hear a word anyone says as people stand to speak but I can see. I can see the tears on that frail woman’s cheeks, the pain in the priests face, and the picture on a stand. The picture of me standing with the crying woman, holding a baby girl in my arms. Why don’t I remember these people? Why can I see this? Why are they burying me? In my will it says I wanted to be cremated. A flash of heat reminds me, that in a way, I already have been.

The vision fades but I can still see the woman as she kneels next to the casket and weeps. She looks up and I see her face. Elizabeth. The name comes from nowhere but I know that it’s her. Lizzie, Dulcie. My wife, my baby girl, they’re gone. No, no I’m gone and their still there. I’m gone.

Just as my vision fades to black Lizzie looks up once more and lets loose a mournful shriek.

I see no more of the funeral but I hear the shriek, it’s loud and long and won’t stop.

It won’t stop, it never really will.

The whistle blows long and hard, waking Dash and I both up. It was the train whistle, not Lizzie, I tell myself over and over again. For a moment I almost believe my own lies but deep down I know the truth. I’ve abandoned them, and I’ll never be able to go back.

I dry my eyes on my coat sleeve and suck it up; the last thing I need is for lil miss awesome to think I’m lame. I sit up straight and look out the windows.

“We’re not in Kansas anymore Dashie.”

“Wut?” Evidently somepony slept much more soundly than I had.

“Never mind, let’s go get some food, where can I get some good grub in this city?” we gather our things and exit the train, it’s not raining out here but I keep my jacket on just in case. To my surprise my jacket doesn’t make me feel overheated despite its thickness and the heat around us.

“Well, I’ve heard of a place near here called the Bird’s Nest. From what I know they serve Griffins and Hippogriffs so I figure that you can get some meat there.” I notice her shutter at the word, and presumably the thought of my eating, meat.

We walk, well I walk, and she hovers next to me, through a bustling market place to a hole in the wall place with a neon sign of a bird’s nest eggs and all. I guess this is the place.

We walk in and a griffin, HOLY FUCKING SHIT A GODDAMN GRIFFIN, asks us for I.D. he has a thick accent, like what someone from the Caribbean would have. Dash pulls a little black book from her satchel and flips to a certain page with her wing. The griffin looks at it and grunts his approval; he then looks at me menacingly.

“Wut ’bout you brudda? Wut da feck even ar ya?” I pull my Military I.D. out to show him.

“Imma human, bradda and I’m plenty old enough to be here and drink. Age of responsibility where I’m from is twenty one and I’m twenty eight. So let me in already.” Mister birdbrain looks at my I.D. and back to me suspiciously. He shouts to someone behind him in Spanish and gets a short reply. I know what their saying, it’s not good.

“I be feelin’ for ya brudda but I cat let ye in. Dis ere I.D. aint valid neida here nor der so I cat do et. I be feeling for ya bra, I really is.”

I don’t think I can take anymore of this shit or of this guys damned accent so I pull Jeff from my belt. You remember Jeff right? Well I may have modified him a bit at the forge in Ponyville. I may have had Twilight enchant him so that I can shorten and lengthen him at will. I may have turned him into an all out bad ass war hammer. In fact I did do all of those things and I now am pointing him at the griffin who won’t let me in. if this doesn’t scare him enough I also have my pistol on my belt. (My rifle is locked away safely back at Twilight's house.)

“Ow bout dis ‘brudda? You let me in or I bash your head in and then I go in anyway.” I swing Jeff back and forth a bit while staring at the Griffin. It’s a good thing that Dash already went in, I’d rather her not see me as pissed as I am at the moment. I wait another second before raising Jeff in preparation to strike. The Griffin folds, just as I knew he would.

“A’ight brudda, a’ight! I be letting you in now so please don hit meh, please brudda imma beggin ya noht ta do et!”

“That’s more like it.” I lower Jeff, and reattach him to my belt. No blood for you today Jeffrey, not today but I promise some for you soon. Very, very soon. “Here,” I toss a baggy of premium hash to the bird. “I hope that this will be enough for you to find it in your heart to forgive me for all this trouble, have a pleasant day.” As I walk away I hear him shout to me.

“Noht a probem brudda, we cool, we cool. Imma go an mak sure you an you friend get good seats, I promise, best seats en da house for mah brudda. You see.” I wave to him as I push my way through a door and into a smoky restaurant.

Dash is sitting at a shitty table waiting for me but my new ‘brudda’ comes out and shows us to a much nicer booth, which he vacates of its former occupants just for us, and assures us that someone will be there shortly to help us. He pats me on the back and whispers into my ear before he goes.

“Tanks again for da hashish brudda. I ’preciate it ya ear meh, I really do. You eva need meh just call out for teh green wind boys, we’ll ear ya, don you worry, we will. An if you eva be in da mood to uh… do som bizness, you cal fo us. A’ight?”

“A’ight.”

“Wicked. You a cool un brudda, like I say, you eva need meh for anytin don esitate to axe. Be seein ya round.”

My new ‘brudda’ and now homie strolls of back to his booth as a Pegasus waitress comes to our tables and hands us menus. Dash and I both order beers and start looking through the menu.

“So what was all that about?”

“Oh, we had a bit of a misunderstanding when it came to my I.D. but Jeff and Mary Jane helped me out.”

“Who are they?”

“Never you mind. Now what looks good?”

We sit there and skim through the options. I find a delectable sampler of fried sea food and order that, to my surprise so does Dash.

“I thought that ponies were vegetarians.”

“Earth ponies and Unicorns yeah but we Pegasi are half bird. Or was it one third? I don’t frigging know, what do I look like, a dictionary?”

“Yes, a little.” I laugh as she scowls at me. Our beers come and we place our orders. By my second bottle ive forgotten all about my dream on the train and am feeling pretty good. Dash is nursing her brew like a baby, she takes a small sip once every five minutes or so. Ponies may like their alcohol but they sure can’t hold it. Tonight’s gonna be interesting.

Our food comes and we eat. It is beyond delicious. I savor every bite and want more. We leave after Dash pays the bill, as we walk away I hear my brudda call to us.

“Come back round somtine, we always open. My name be Jacob by teh way brudda! Rememba, call on us wheneva you be in need or wanna partay. Be seeing you round mon.” Jacob goes back into the Birds nest and we go on down to the club. I hope that they wont give me any shit over my I.D. but I know that Jeff is more than willing to help me out. I know because he’s told me so.

After another half hour of walking we reach the club. It’s more of an old building that’s been converted to a club than an actual club. Lights shine through boarded up windows and busted down doors. Heavy rock music drifts out and greets my ears.

I got a feeling that tonight’s gonna be a good night.

I look at the Pegasus next to me, Jeff, and Mary Jane (Who’s chilling in my breast pocket, just waiting for a good time.) and then to the club in front of us.

A very good night indeed.

Raves, wubs, and fillyfoolers, Oh my! (Part deux)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Raves, wubs, and fillyfoolers, Oh my! (Part deux)

We get into the club without much hassle, Jeff sits this one out completely and Mary Jane works her magic. Dash gets carded but when they look at me, no questions asked.

We make our way into the crowded club as the band is closing up shop. I can smell some harsh smoke wafting over from a corner and decide to fight fire with fire. I light up a blunt and find a couch to flop on. Dash is out on the dance floor chatting it up with some blue Pegasi stallion with a winged lightning bolt for a mark. I can’t make out much of what’s being said over the noise but I do hear a little bit.

“Do you like… eating… pie?” I have no clue who said what or the context but I smile as Dash and he walk off to another part of the club together. Looks like someone’s getting some nookie tonight, unfortunately it’s not me.

I lay back and listen to the pop shit that’s blasting out of the speakers until the real DJ gets here. Looking over to the stage I see a white mare with spiky blue hair and some kind of musical note for a Mark setting up her turntables. So this is the famous DJ PON-3, where I’m from most DJs try to look outrageous, this one only has her slightly masculine haircut and a pair of shades to her name. I like that, it means that she doesn’t depend on looks or style for her fame, that her music is all it takes to get a party going.

I detach myself from the rather uncomfortable couch and look around for the bar, where I plan to stay for the rest of the night. Tidbits of recent dreams keep reemerging and I’d rather not think of them, and there’s nothing better than alcohol to help you forget all your troubles.

I find the bar and Dash along with it. I take the seat next to her and speak loudly so she can hear me.

“Well that was one hell of a quickie!”

“What?”

“You and that blue guy, hey barkeep, two beers please!” the DJ starts her set as our bottles are handed to us. I take a swig and let the electronic flood of music settle over me. It’s fast, heavy, and hard but at the same time slow, soft, and smooth. I take another hit from the joint and toke it out away from the bar. Damn Big Mac, this shit is the shit! Dash nudges my side and starts talking again. I politely nod my head to both her and the music. Well, at least I think I’m nodding my head, which may just be the grass doing it.

“Wait, do you think that he and I…?”

I nod my head, specifically to her this time.

“Oh, no, no, no! I mean I’d love to but no. He’s taken.” If I were hitting on someone who was ‘taken' I would just try all the harder as a kinky three-way could easily be the reward of my efforts. That may be just me though, I don’t like to brag but I am a pretty smooth talker.

“Who by?”

“That was Soarin, he’s a WonderBolt. He and the team captain, Spitfire, totally have a thing goin’ on.”

“You shoulda gone for it, you coulda ended up bedding both of em!” I’ll say it here and now; I’m stoned.

“What? I don’t swing that way!”

Whoa, déjà vu. I remember having a conversation start like this with a certain red Clydesdale of a pony. Weird.

The weed fogs my brain a bit and that thought is gone just as soon as it came. But another thought lingers. Just by the tone of her voice I can tell that Dash is lying.

“Sure, sure, whatever you say.” I receive a friendly punch to the shoulder.

“Really, I like guys, big, muscular, masculine guys.”

“I bet you do, in fact, by the looks of him and because of the fruity drink he has, I would bet that he likes big, muscular, masculine guys as well.” This time I get a not-so-friendly punch to the gut.

“Hey now, I just call em as I see em. Besides I figured you liked him because he looks so damn feminine.” Dash raises her hoof threateningly. My stomach already hurts and I need it to help me drink so I put my hands up.

“Hey, chill out now. I’m not one to judge, I don’t even care really. But you gotta admit that he does look pretty girly.”

Dash and I both look over at Soarin, who is swinging his hips to the beat of the music and sipping a brightly colored slightly alcoholic concoction through a party straw. Dash can barely contain her laughter.

“Yeah, I guess he is a bit of a Nancy.”

“And you’re more than a little butch so you’d be a great couple. He would wear the apron and you the pants!” Dash gives up trying to hold it back and just laughs. It’s nice to hear her laugh and see her smile about something other than her own awesomeness.

“Also I’m pretty sure that he and Spitfire are in an open relationship.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Look for yourself.” I point back at Soarin who has abandoned his drink in order to snog with some random guy.

“Damn.” I’m not sure who said it for a second but then I realize we both did.

“Well that bucks my plans in the ass.”

“Sorry Dash. Better luck next time. Speaking of assbucking, I wonder where they’re going.” I point again to Soarin who is now leading his new partner to the back of the club.

Dash spews her beer and her wings unfurl. I hear a dozen or so cat calls from the ponies around us and assume that Dash just popped a lady boner or something like that. The red on her cheeks as she tucks her wings away confirms it.

“Jealous?”

“No! Maybe a little.”

I laugh loudly, damn I’m high. When we get home I want to bake some cupcakes! No, wait muffins, definitely muffins.

“Don’t worry about that tonight Dash, we’re here to chill and listen to some bitchin' music. By the way, thanks for bringing me along, I’m actually having a good time.”

“No problem.”

Dash and I sit there and chat for the next two hours. We drink at least a dozen beers, wait, no that was me. Dash just had three. And smoked a full Jay, again that was just me. By the time three A.M. rolls around we are both inebriated as fuck. Fuck, it turns out, is one drunken sum bitch.

We sit and drink until the Barkeep threatens to kick us out. I get up to leave but Dash grabs my arm.

“Hey, let’s go see Vinyl.”

“OK"

I have no clue what I just agreed to but I let Dash drag me through a dissipating crowd of drunken clubbers and backstage. I’m more than a little baked so I have no Idea what’s going on. Dash pulls me to a door and then knocks on it loudly several times. I think she knocks to the tune of Shave and a haircut but that may just be the pot making my think random shit. I just now notice how fucking huge my hands are. Wow.

I’m pulled out of the hallway and into a dressing room by Dash. I guess I’ll admire my hands later. Inside the room are the DJ and another mare, this one light brown with a different musical symbol for a Mark. She also has a cute little bow tie.

“Bow ties are cool.” I mutter without thinking. The mare, who is blushing as if we had just interrupted some kinky after party sexy times, thanks me for the sentiment.

“Dash hugs the DJ and they start talking about random shit. I find a comfortable spot on the floor and sit down to relax and enjoy my high. Dash introduces me to DJ PON-3, also known as Vinyl Scratch, who in turn introduces me to her marefriend Octavia Philharmonia who is a cellist for the first Equestrian orchestra. I fist/hoof bump with Vinyl and shake Octavia’s hoof. I lean against the wall and mutter something about colors and the time/space continuum.

“Uh, is he all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, just trippin’ a bit.”

“Oh Celestia, you didn’t take any pills from anyone did you?” I’m not sure who I’m talking to, I know she’s a pony and that’s about it.

“No, no, I don’t do pills. Except for Vicodin of course, but I don’t have any of that at the moment. I wonder if I can get any of that here.” My plot for world domination… I mean how to score some pills is interrupted by the brown pony with a bow tie. Uh…Octavia what’s her face.

“What did you take?”

“Nothing, nothing, just some weed I got from a Zebra. It’s so good man.”

“Weed?” All three mares say the word at once, two of them, the white DJ and the blue dyke, seem excited, the brown one sounds like a scolding mother.

“I hope you got plenty…” Dash starts.

“…because we want some!” Vinyl finishes.

“Wut?” Octavia and I both look at the other two mares. I did not expect that.

Octavia scoffs while I roll another joint, I guess she’s not into such things but fuck it, if she doesn’t want to hang around and smoke she can leave, no one’s making her stay.

I light the jay and take a big puff; I hold my breath as I pass it to Dash. I have no fucking clue how she just grabbed it with hooves though. Dash takes a hit and passes it to Vinyl, who must be a stoner. I can tell because she takes a hit that would leave others passed out cold from lack of oxygen. Damn that girl has a set of lungs. I toke out just as Dash does, Vinyl holds it. And holds it. And holds it. Holy reefer madness Batman, I can’t believe it. I’m on my second hit when Vinyl finally tokes out.

“Damn! How the fuck did you manage that?”

“Thanks, I got a lot of practice back in college.” Vinyl offers it to Octavia who takes it and tries to smoke it like a cigarette.

“No that’s not how you do it at all babe. Lemme show ya.” Vinyl scoots over next to Octavia and goes about showing her how to smoke correctly. I lie back against the wall and pull my iPod out. KiD CuDi for the win.

Vinyl looks up at me and then to my hand.

“What is that?”

“Huh? Oh this? It’s an iPod; you can put music on it and listen anywhere. Cool huh?”

“Hell yeah! Where can I get one?”

“Back on earth, sorry. Hey, tell you what, I'll see if twilight can duplicate this one. Like the music?”

“Yeah, it’s cool. Goes pretty well with some pot. Toke Octavia, toke dammit!” Octavia coughs violently and begins giggling uncontrollable. She smiles and leans into Vinyl for a kiss. I smile as well and close my eyes, letting the mood and the music sweep over me.

Lizzie’s smile comes to my mind. She was the reason I started smoking, one day I came home and found her with a bong and a bag of chips, the rest is history. Oh God, what I’d give to smoke one more bowl with her, to just see her once more…

A hoof smacks the side of my head and I look around me. Vinyl and Octavia are a bit tongue tied and Dash is next to me, her normally blue face now very bright red.

“Sup?”

“They are… I mean look at em… are the a couple or is this some really jank weed?” I laugh, which breaks up the make out session to our left, and look at Vinyl.

“Hey Vinyl.”

“Yea?”

“You two a thing?”

“Yea boy!” I reach out and fist bump with the DJ

“Nice.” I lean back but Dash smacks me again. “What the hell Dash?”

“Dude! Its two fifty!”

“Soooh shit! The train!” I hop up, knocking Dash to the ground as I do, and grab all my shit. “Have a nice night girls,” I wink at Vinyl. “We gotta run. Peace.” I leave the dressing room with a slightly wobbly Pegasi at my side. We cheese it down to the train station and make it just in time to hop on.

Halfway home my high is dying down, so is Dash’s. We sit and chat about random stupid shit, you know, the shit you discuss when high but never remember, that shit, for a while but something is nagging at me.

“Dash, why did you freak out when Octy and Vinyl went at it?”

“Uhh.”

“Come on, you can tell me, I won’t judge.” Dash takes a deep breath and looks around the train car.

“It’s just that…” I wave my hand, waiting for her to continue. “I’m… I’M GAY OK!?!”

“OK, just wondering.” I fold my arms behind my head and listen to the clicks as the train moves closer and closer to Ponyville, to home.

“Wait, ‘OK’, that’s it? No fillyfooler bashing or hate?”

“Why the hell would I do that? You’re my friend, I’d like you whether you fuck guys, girls, or tentacle monsters,”

“What the fuck man?”

“… My point is that shit like that doesn’t matter, it’s who you are, not who you do, that matters. Besides, it would be hypocritical to asinine levels if I were to say anything mean to you about being a dyke when I’m bi myself. That’s not my whole reason for being cool about all of this though mind you.”

“Oh, cool. So you're OK with me liking girls?”

“Yep, but I do have one question.”

“Shoot.”

“Soarin?”

“He’s one of the very few guys I’ve ever had the hots for, and you were right, it is kinda because he’s so feminine. Is that bad, that I just like certain guys?”

“Nope, just means you’re kinda slutty.” I say it playfully, with a huge smile on my face as I do.

“Hey!” I receive another punch from my butch friend and fake pain.

We laugh and chat the rest of the way home.

We arrive back to Ponyville at eleven in the morning or so and my head is killing me. I enlist Twilight to perform a cloudwalking spell on me and then Dash and I crash at her place, which by the way is a FUCKING HOUSE MADE OF CLOUDS AND RAINBOWS AND SHIT, to sleep our hangovers off. Twi teleports me into a bedroom in Dash’s house. Dash is already lying down on a bed and I join her. Within moments we are both sleeping like baby logs in July.

No dreams tonight, er, today, just weed induced phantoms from my past; ex girlfriends, ex boyfriends, ex wait, how the fuck did you get in my dreams Pinkie?

“LoL, I dunno. Wanna play pin the tail on the pony with me?”

“Uh, sure. Why not.” Pinkie turns around and bends over, she looks over her shoulder and says, in an insanely sexy voice;

“Come on big boy, pin me.”

What the fuck was in that weed?

I need to get some more of that shit.

Dude, where's my clothes?
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Dude, where's my clothes?

It’s been a long night and I slept soundly despite the liver killing amount of alcohol in my body. Pinkie Pie visits my dreams several times, what a naughty pony she is, and so does Lizzie. At one point they both visit me at once, that was awkwardly arousing. Sometime around four in the afternoon my brain finally decides that it has gotten enough sleep for one day. I open my eyes and blink groggily.

“Never again…Unless I can get a spell to kill hangovers that is.”

I notice that Twilight, being the awesome pony she is, already helped me out a great deal.

When I wake up my headache, but not my stomach ache, is gone… and so are all of my clothes.

“What the hell?”

I’m lying naked on Dash’s couch, and Dash is lying on top of me. The worst part of this is the incredibly awkward position we are in. 69 anypony? Dash’s tail is on my head and I have a perfect view of parts of a pony I never would have guessed I’d be seeing so often. Goddamn that was some strong weed.

I push Dash’s ass away from my face and sit up, waking the sleepy pony on my chest as I do.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID WE DO!?!”

“That’s what I want to know.”

Dash turns herself around and looks me in the eye, whether she means to or not her tail flicks against me and causes the awkwardness between us to grow.

Literally.

“So did we…?”

“I think we did.”

“Oh, well…did you…you know…”

“Did I enjoy it?”

“Yeah.” Dash blushes massively breaks eye contact and scoots back…right onto my lap. She yelps quietly but doesn’t move. Instead she looks down at me with an evil grin on her muzzle.

“Wanna go again?”

I look at the blue Pegasus sitting on top of me, I look down at myself, and I look around the room for a moment and think about the situation I find myself in currently. What would Charlie Sheen do if this happened to him?

Well I don’t have any coke on me so…

“What the hell, let’s do this!” Dash pins me down and we recreate all the memories from last night that neither of us had the slightest recollection of.

And damn was it fun.

Memories of lifetimes past
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Memories of lifetimes past

So you may be wondering ‘Just what the fuck is wrong with this guy?’ well I’ll tell you just what’s wrong with me.

I left Dash’s house just a few minutes ago and am now walking to town. Dash had the decency to try helping me down from the clouds, even if she did drop me twenty feet. After that I just started to meander my way in the general direction of Ponyville.

I walk slowly now, taking in the sights and sounds around me. Spring is coming soon and Equestria is beautiful. Cider season starts next week so I’ll have a few days of hard work but after that I’ll be back to doing nothing much.

Upon finding a nice sunny field I lie down and take a nap, oh Lordy, the last time I had a nap in a park was with Lizzie back before my last deployment.

Lizzie.

She was half the reason for my insanity, the other half was all me.

I met her in high school, she was beautiful and shy as can be. Seriously, she would have made Fluttershy look like an extrovert on her worst days. I had a girlfriend freshman and sophomore years but it wasn’t going anywhere, she wouldn’t even kiss me on the cheek, so I ended it. The summer before junior year I began working for Lizzie’s dad at his restaurant. I proved myself polite, respectful, and hardworking. When I asked him if I could date his daughter he was thrilled, no one had ever dated her before and he thought I was a perfect first boyfriend for her.

I was terrified but I did it, I asked her out to dinner. She refused.

It hurt, it really did but I never gave up. I worked as hard as I could and her father started telling his family about how great I was. Evidently my work ethic and polite attitude were not traits held by any of his other employees. Every night he would complement me and every morning he would pass along what his wife and children had to say about me at their dinner table the night before. It was always good things, but they were never from Lizzie.

A butterfly flaps its wings and lands on my arm, tickling me enough to rouse me from a peaceful slumber. ‘A snowstorm in Chicago’ I think. I rest my head against my other arm and drift back to sleep.

My luck didn’t change until junior prom; Lizzie was the only girl I wanted to take and coincidentally the only girl without a date. Thank God for peer pressure, between her friend (Singular, not plural mind you.), her sisters, and her mother she was convinced to accept me as a partner. I remember how radiant she looked when I picked her up, I could never forget that. I don’t remember the color of her dress or where we ate at, the stupid jokes I told, or the complements I gave her. I do remember her smile, maybe because I kept getting her to show it, by random acts of both kindness and stupidity, or because I’d never seen her smile before, but probably just because she was so gorgeous when she showed her pearly whites.

When I call Lizzie beautiful, radiant, or gorgeous I say it because there are no words to define what I truly saw in her. Yes she was physically attractive, in my eyes at least; short, slender frame, small breasts, and shoulder length hair, but that wasn’t nearly as important as what else I saw. I knew of her love for books, it was akin to my own but stronger; she could read a five hundred page novel in a week and remember it for a lifetime, she would read anything she could get her hands on; science fiction, fantasy, mystery, romance, non-fiction, histories, you name it she would read it. She was smart, maybe not book smart but she was intelligent all the same, she had common sense and a grasp on logic like no one else I knew, and she could use it to. I had only heard her speak a few times before that night, once was an argument with a teacher over her grade. She got the teacher to give her an A instead of a C with her words alone.

The reason I had really noticed her in the first place was the librarian; one day I checked out a book and he made an offhand comment about how Lizzie had checked out several books right after I had read them. I got him to let me see the log book and I saw something incredible. In addition to her normal reading, Lizzie had gotten every book I had read immediately after I returned it. After that I left a note in a book, hoping that she would read it. She had.

That night, prom night, we danced and we laughed, we joked and we talked. After the event was over I walked her home and when we got there I asked her about the books and about the note.

“I read those books,” She said. “Because I know that if you’ve read them they must be good.”

I ask again about the note. Instead of using her voice to answer she uses her lips. I will remember that kiss until the day I die. As her lips withdrew from mine a single word was uttered. “Yes.” She turned and went into her house; I stayed on her front porch, a tear in my eye. It was at that moment that I knew I would marry that girl, that moment when she said yes.

I hear squeals of laughter and look up, to my far left recess has just been called at Ponyville elementary school. Miss Cheerilee sits at a picnic table grading papers and watching the foals. I see Tiara and Spoon looking at me. I wave and smile wide, they run off. I laugh and rest my head again, the butterfly is gone. What a perfect metaphor for my life; beauty comes to me and latches on, only to leave me when I need it most. At least a butterfly I won’t miss too terribly, and maybe I think to myself, it will find its way back to me and stay with me once more. I rest again. I think again. I dream again.

I know I haven’t gotten to the oddity part of my tale yet, don’t rush me, I’m getting there. Slowly but surely.

For the rest of junior year and all of our senior year we courted. At school we were together for every moment we could spare, at home we were inseparable. I pulled Lizzie from her shell, helped her gain friends and fit in, and she mellowed me, I was no longer full of angst or depression, no longer restless. I had her, she had me, and we were content and happy. For two years after high school we lived together in a house my grandmother owned and rented cheaply to us. We both went to community college; we even had a few classes together. Lizzie wanted to be an artist and I knew she could do it, her drawings were superb, her paintings breathtaking. I wanted to be a writer and an English professor. Read, write, think. That was what I was good at. When I met Lizzie I added one more to the list: love.

We parted ways when it came time for us to go to four year schools. I wanted to keep up a long distance relationship but Lizzie had other, kinkier, ideas. Unbeknownst to all but me, Lizzie had a hidden side to her. One full of suppressed sexual energy and wild fetishes. When I first learned of these I was surprised, who knew that a girl as shy as Lizzie knew so much and wanted to do so much. Who knew that I would be the lucky guy that she picked to do it with.

Clubs, toys, threesomes and role-playing. More than that but I couldn’t go into further detail for the sake of civilized minds like yours. Lizzie loved it and soon I grew to appreciate such antics as well. It’s a strange feeling to walk in on the woman you love in bed with a man or another woman and feel, not fury, but excitement.

When I went to a collage in Missouri and her to one in Chicago we decided to try an open relationship. Every weekend we spent together and every week day we spent with others. I started seeing men more often and Lizzie did the same with women. When we would meet up it was amazing, though we slept with others we only loved each other. The fellows and ladies that joined us, the toys, devices, whips, chains, and various other erotic implements were all overshadowed by our love.

After our graduations, I received a doctorate in languages and she received a degree in art, we were married. Now in both a civil and religious union we were happier than ever, but the wild fun didn’t stop. No, no if anything it escalated. Six nights a week we would party and have fun, the seventh we would lie in bed together and consummate our love, just me and her.

A war began and I was recruited to the Marines, I left my job professing at a university, my relatives back home, and a pregnant wife to go serve my country.

I became a Marine, a killer following every order given, but I remained the mellow and adventurous man that Lizzie loved. We resumed our open relationship status and I got a reputation. I was 300 pounds of muscle, six foot six, bisexual, very horny, and slightly unstable. At one point I was nearly discharged from the service for killing several insurgents with my bear hands… and wearing their flesh as a cape. I will admit that I over did it that day, I should have stopped after breaking every joint in their bodies and skinning them alive.

During my time on leave I would return to Lizzie and we would focus every available minute of every day on being with each other. I was there for my daughter’s birth, but not for her first birthday.

I wake myself and end my train of thought there. If I follow it any further I won’t be able to live here another day.

I get up and head for Twilight’s house. In a way Twilight reminds me of Lizzie. I wonder just how alike they are.

Previous thoughts vanish from my mind but one pesky vision holds tight as I make my way into Ponyville.

A slip of paper placed in a book by one lover of literature to be found by another. Lost and long forgotten I’m sure, it had but four words written shakily on its surface.

Do you like me?

Spa day
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Spa day

I leave the world of memories behind me, back in the fields and outskirts of Ponyville, as I walk through town. The market is open and I buy a few apples to snack on from Big Mac. We chat for a minute and he reminds me of the cider season coming up. I promise him that I will help and he thanks me with a free apple. I munch on the apples as I continue on my way to Twilight’s library.

Upon entering I find Twilight in the midst of a marathon reading session, dozens of books are scattered about and she seems to be reading several at once, utilizing her magic to both hold several hefty tomes aloft and split her concentration in twine so she could absorb as much information as possible. I clear my throat and then cough politely; I know how irritating it is to be interrupted while reading and I don’t want to upset my friend. Twilight looks up, her horn glows with a bright purplish aura, her eyes are completely white. For a second a fear that Zalgo has done a number on my unicorn friend but she proves my wild theories false as her magic dies down and her eyes return to their normal shades of purple.

“Hey.” She says while magically returning the books to their rightful spots on various shelves.

“Hey.” I reply as I sit down near her.

“So how was the party?”

“Pretty good, I got wasted and stoned so I don’t remember much.”

“Aw, well I have one other question for you.”

“Yes?”

“Well. Rainbow stopped by earlier and we talked.” Her gaze flicks rapidly from one thing to another, she looks at everything in the room, everything except for me that is. “So you two…” Her voice falters and she can’t bring herself to finish the question.

Oh shit. How bad did I fuck up by doing that with Dash? Am I going to be hated now? Shit.

“Is there a problem with that, am I going to get in trouble for it?”

“What? No, no, it’s just that… well it was unexpected and… and I …” she swings her leg lazily and looks at the ground.

“Twi.” She looks back up at me.

“Are you perhaps… jealous?”

“WHAT?!? NO, no, am just surprised is all. Really, that’s all.”

“OK then Twilight. Whatever you say.” I smile at the mare, I can read her like a book, speaking of which.

“I have a favor to ask you.”

“What would that be?” Her cheeks are still flushed and her voice is cracking a bit. Someone’s jelly.

“Actually I have two to ask; first I want you to teach me how to read Equestrian, both Royal and Standard, and second I would like to just talk some. Do you have time now?”

“Oh, sure. Let me go get some supplies, I’ll be right back.” All traces of the awkwardness from just a minute ago are gone; Twi practically skips over to a desk to retrieve several quills and a stack of parchment, from a nearby bookshelf she grabs an ancient nook with more indecipherable symbols on its cover. This should be fun.

For the next three hours she teaches me the symbols and I copy them down. I may only know as much as a foal when we’re done but that will be better than nothing. We work on Standard alone, Royal, she says, will be taught after I master Common. After the sun has slipped out of view we swap and I teach her my alphabet, writing the letters for her again and spelling out her and her friends names. We discuss politics and religion. I tell her all about Catholicism and democracy and she informs me about the Alicorn Diarchy and the former king and queen who had become Sheppard’s of a heavenly place.

Twilight tells me more about the princesses, Celestia and Luna, who raise the sun and the moon. I explain the science behind how earth rotates around the sun and how the moon rotates around the earth. We talk about our jobs, we both have several; I am a marine, an English and Latin professor, and a published author, she holds a dozen or so odd jobs around town besides her official one as librarian: scientist, lawyer, medical doctor, accountant, organizer for various town wide events and festivals, and a published author as well. Were I have written a dozen or so books and a few hundred short stories in the science fiction or fantasy genres, Twilight has written almost fifty articles about science and/or magic, and also has written the official biography of a famous unicorn, on Starswirl the bearded.

As midnight approaches our conversation derails from the sciences and our careers to our personal lives. I tell Twilight about Lizzie and my baby girl and she comforts me when I can no longer hold in my emotions. I end up falling asleep like that, weeping openly about my loss as Twilight holds me and listens. It’s not, cool, it’s not macho or manly to act like this but I don’t stop. Fuck the world, right now I just want to cry.

I sleep soundly, better than I have since I arrived here, and woke up in Twilight’s bed. This is becoming an increasingly strange habit, falling asleep with a pony, but at least all my clothes are still on.

I get up and walk downstairs to find Twilight and Spike in the kitchen eating breakfast. Twilight is kind enough to fetch me a cup of Joe and a bowl of oatmeal. I pour nearly a pound of sugar in both and enjoy my meal.

“So, are you feeling any better now, about losing your family I mean?”

“Yeah, I’ll always miss ’em but I think I can cope.”

“Well that’s good. and just remember, we all love you very much, you're like family to us all.” Twilight smiles warmly and Spike mumbles something about her being to ‘mushy’. “Thanks Twi, so what are we doing today?”

“Well,” She pulls a list off a counter and looks through it. “Cider season starts tomorrow so the Apple’s will need you there in the morning, the Spring festivities start next week so we need to gather up all the foals, you to Spike, and get them to Appleoosa for the month, but the only thing I have planned for today is a spa appointment with the girls. Would you like to join us?”

“Sure, as long as the others are OK with it, but won’t it be kinda weird having a guy there?”

“Oh no, not at all. Anyone can come to the spa and we’re used to communal showers so it wouldn’t be anything to far from the norm. so I can count you in?”

“Yeah, why the hell not.”

An hour later Twilight and I meet up with five of our friends at the Aloe&Lotus Spa in downtown Ponyville. We head in and pay for the ‘usual’ as Rarity calls it. The sisters who own the place look at me strangely but don’t tell me to leave or anything.

The ‘usual’ consists of a mani/pedi, mud baths, a full body massage, a steam in the sauna, and to wrap it up a long bath in mineral water.

Dash refuses to let the twins touch her hooves, funny; she had no qualms about it when I did it, and Fluttershy winces as they work on hers. Aloe looks at my raged nails and ponders just how to fix them, after a quick huddle with her sister and a unicorn employee, who conjures a few tools for them, they return and both work on me, Aloe on my hands and Lotus on my feet. I’ve never been one to like pampering but after all the shit I’ve been through recently it feels nice.

The mud bath pits are made to hold ponies not people so I opt out and doze on a comfortable chair while the others gossip. It’s just as well because I truly hate gossip; I pop my ear buds in and relax until we are ready for the next station.

The massage chairs are also made for ponies so I stay in my recliner as Lotus works on my shoulders and back, it’s odd, I would have thought that pony’s hooves would be hard, like horses, but instead they are soft and flexible yet firm and sturdy. Though I’ve never had a massage before to accurately compare this one to I will say that it is wonderful, my back feels so much better now.

The ponies, who are nude just like always, walk over to the sauna while I strip down and find a large towel big enough to cover my waist. A large towel for a pony is just enough to cover myself with. I know what Twilight said about communal showers but I’d rather not waltz in the buff, especially since most ponies are about eye level with my waist and also because Pinkie would probably maul me. I walk in to see five of them sprawled about the room; Rarity of course is sitting like a lady, the others positions range from conserved (Fluttershy and Twilight) to casual (Applejack and RD) and finally ‘I just don’t give a fuck’. The final pose involves lying with you back against a wall, having you legs spread eagled and doing precisely what the name entitles. I’ll let you guess who is seated like this. I sit down and lean against the wall both I keep my legs together.

“Darling, why the towel?” Rarity scoffs a bit as though I have broken some rule of fashion.

“Yeah, let it hang out.” RD says nonchalantly.

“You totally should!” Pinkie’s voice sounds a bit too sultry and I cross my legs, that is one reason for wearing the towel.

“We don’t care in the least.” Drawls Applejack, who has recently adopted the IJDGAF pose.

“Really, we don’t mind.” Twilight has a bit of an edge to her voice, like she’s trying to hide how bad she wants something. This is getting kind of weird.

“Meep!” everyone looks over to Fluttershy who is now hiding behind her hair. “Uh, it’s Ok with me I guess. That is if you want to I mean. Never mind, I’m sorry for bothering you.” Fluttershy squeaks out the last words and I can barley decipher them.

“Why do you all want to see me naked?” I ask casually, in the same way I would ask to see the sports section in the newspaper. I am suddenly assaulted by four voices protesting that they only wanted me to be comfortable, that they were thinking no such thing.

“I was thinking such a thing!” Pinkie proudly states. The rest of us facepalm/hoof.

“To be honest, so was i. sorry.” We all turn after hearing such a bold thing from Fluttershy. She smiles halfheartedly and sinks into a corner.

One by one the rest admit that they had the same intention.

“So Twilight, did you offer to bring me here for any reason other than to show me off to your friends?” I ask with a shameless smile.

“Well, I really did want you to enjoy a day at the spa. But no, that was the main reason.” Her purple cheeks turn a dark red and I laugh heartily.

“Oh, Lordy, what did I do to get sent here?” I chuckle and toss the towel that had covered my body. “Are you happy now?”

Five and a half pairs of eyes (Fluttershy is still partially hiding behind her hair) look at me. “Well?” I ask.

“Um.”

“Uh."

“It’s kinda…”

“Meep.”

“Darling, words escape me.”

“Dude, your dick is really small, what the hell?”

I nearly collapse I’m laughing so damn hard.

“Lafayette? Are you Ok?” Twilight looks terrified, maybe she thinks that Dash’s insult made me crack.

“You guys… think that... it’s small!!! I punctuate every few words with a laugh.

“Yeah, that’s what I said a minute ago, what happened? It was so much bigger last… I mean that’s what I heard from Pinkie Pie.” Dash attempts and fails to cover her stupid mistake. I laugh even harder.

“I don’t get it,” the yellow mare in the corner squeaks. “What’s so funny Lafe?”

“Im not hard in the least bit! That’s why it’s so small, and you thought that was all I had! Oh God that was funny.”

Rarity has the guts to interrupt my maniacal laughter and ask the question I’ve been waiting for. “Darling, I don’t mean to pry, but how big is it, exactly, when it’s… you know.”

“You really want to know?” five heads nod in answer to my question.

“Then ask Dash!” I crumple against the wall and laugh even harder. Everyone else looks to Dash expectantly.

“Hey, look over there! I think it’s princess Celestia!” we all look over at a wall and see nothing resembling the princess but we do hear a door open and close very quickly. We turn back to find the Rainbow is no longer in the sauna with us, this just makes me laugh even harder.

“Well, I guess Rainbow isn’t in the mood to answer question so that leaves it up to,” Rarity turns to the pink pony and points dramatically. “Pinkie Pie!”

“Oh, it’s about this long.” Pinkie holds her hooves about a foot apart from each other.

“Oh, come now Pinkie, don’t exaggerate, how big was it in real life?” I laugh harder than I thought I could.

“Why is Lafe still laughing?” Fluttershy asks.

“I’m laughing now because she isn’t exaggerating!” I double over and start to cough violently as I cackle. I get a hold of myself and take in a few deep breathes. The five mares in the room look at me, then to Pinkie, and finally to my lap. From the corner I hear Fluttershy speak.

“Um, would you like to come over later and pet my beaver? If you want to that is?”

I laugh so hard I think I may just die, here and now, naked in a sauna with five ponies staring at my junk.

“What time Fluttershy?”

Now everyone joins me in a round of side splitting laughter.

Twenty minutes after that we are all sitting in a large, swimming pool sized, bath tub. Dash has rejoined us and I decided to wear my boxer to prevent any more awkwardness. I’m still not sure if Fluttershy was seriously hitting on me or if I’m going to show up and find her with a family of beavers at her house, either way I’m going.

During the next hour we fill Dash in on what happened and I make Everypony Pinkie swear to not discuss anything that is said here. We joke and gossip a bit, and somehow end up discussing sex. Again.

“So Rainbow, when was your first time?”

“Uh, flight camp.”

“Really, I can’t believe that you were fooling around with boys at such a young age.” At rarity’s words Dash turns bright red.

“Well, it wasn’t boys. It may have been a girl, who may have been the griffin you all met last year.” Dash ducks her head under water and waits for the verbal abuse she is sure will come soon.

“Good for you dash! I’m glad you finally came out.” Twi smiles as she lifts the Pegasus back up magically.

“Wait, so you guys don’t mind, even though we were all naked in the sauna together?”

“No, Rainbow, you’re our friend, we wouldn’t judge. As to the sauna bit just keep your muzzle where it belongs and we’ll be fine.” Everyone laughs and Dash slides back down into the water with a snicker.

“What about you Pinkie? Who was your first?” I think rarity just may be getting off on this topic.

“Oh, well remember when I went to earth?” Twilight and I are the only ones to nod our heads. “Well I met Lafe there and ended up sleeping with him, so he was my first!” Pinkie smiles wider than physically possible as the others take her words in. Suddenly everyone looks at me.

“Wut?”

Rarity comes to my rescue and diverts everyone’s attention back to Pinkie. “Ok, but who was your first Stallion?”

“Oh, that would be Big Ma… I mean no one that any of you know.”

I laugh and Applejack face hooves. “’S OK Pinkie, my brother’s an adult, he can do what or who he wants. I aint mad at ya.”

“Oh, that’s great cuz your brother and I’ve done it like a hundred times!”

“Pinkie?”

“Yuppers?”

“Shut the hay up.”

Rarity regains control of the conversation before it can spiral out of control. “What about you Twilight?”

“Uh, I’ve never had sex before.”

“Oh, what about you Fluttershy? Who was you’re first?”

“Um, it was Caramel. He asked me out a while ago and he was just so sweet that I had to do something nice for him. So I did him.”

“Oh my, I didn’t expect that. Applejack?”

Applejack breaks her death glare at Pinkie to speak. “Was a feller I met in Canterlot a while back, I can’t remember his name.”

“Sure, sure. What about you Lafe?”

“My wife was the first woman I made love to, by the way, everyone’s told their story except for you.”

“Moi? I’ve never been with a stallion.”

“*Cough, cough* Bullshit, *Cough* Toby, *Cough, cough*.”

Rarity glares at me but confesses. We all laugh and continue chatting for the rest of the hour.

We wave and say goodbye and everyone heads towards their homes. Twilight leaves and I decide to walk with Fluttershy back to her place. Her face is beet red all the way there.

“So, why are you walking with me?”

“Maybe I want to see all your animals, maybe I just want to walk with a friend, maybe I want to pet that beaver after all.” Fluttershy ‘meeps’ again and tries desperately to keep her wings under control.

We walk side by side; Fluttershy actually walks rather than flies for whatever reason, all the way back to her house where I am invited in.

I stand in the living room as Fluttershy walks into the kitchen to get me something to eat. I look around and speak.

“I don’t see any beavers around here.” Fluttershy comes out of the kitchen, flying now, and corrects me.

You know what they say about the quiet ones.

Cider season and a three way
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Cider season and a three way

I wake up naked and in someone else’s bed. Again.

“What the fuck?”

I look at the sleeping ponies on either side of me. Ponies, as in plural. To my left is Fluttershy, OK I remember that started with the whole ‘pet my beaver’ thing, but to my left is a large lump underneath the blankets. All I know about the large lump is that it has a cold wet nose; I know that because it is pressing against a specific part of me. I peel back the blankets slowly and see a massive red leg and another appendage peeking out at me.

“Big Mac?”

The draft horse grunts and adjusts himself against me, which only worsens the predicament I’m in. ‘Think dammit, think! What the hell happened last night, why am I lying naked in bed with Fluttershy and Mac, why do my wrists hurt, and why are they both wearing socks?’ I mentally berate myself for not remembering just as my brain decides to cooperate.

I remember.

Last night, after Fluttershy had tied me to the bed, Big Mac had come here to speak with me. Apparently he had gone to Twilight’s and then to everyone else’s house in search of me until he found me here, it seemed that I would be needed at Sweet Apple Acres at five thirty the next morning and he wanted to notify me. When he got here Fluttershy decided that two was fun but that three would be a party, she invited Mac in and led him to the bedroom where I was bound and gagged. I remember the very creepy smile that came over Mac’s face. Let’s just say the he didn’t need much convincing to join us.

Back to the here and now; Fluttershy yawns and stretches beside me. I rub her shoulder and she scoots closer to my side and turns to look at me. She sees me and smiles, then she sees Mac’s leg and a mix of emotions cover her face: fear, lust, sorrow, joy, angst, pleasure, and a dozen others that I’m to damn lazy to recall. I can just barely hear her as she speaks.

“Wow, that was wild, uh, you’re not upset with me are you?”

“No, I had fun, but just what the hell happened last night?”

“Well, I had you on the bed when Mackey came over, I let him in and asked him to join us and he said yes.”

“I remember all that, what happened after that?”

“Well we, uh, you know, for a few hours and then I fell asleep. I don’t know what you and Mackey did after that.” Fluttershy nuzzles my chest and then squeaks loudly as if something poked her. She lifts herself up with her wings to reveal a large… toy that was underneath her. We both look at it and then at each other. I swear to God I’ve never seen such a terrifying rape face in my life as hers.

Fifteen minutes later we settle down as Mac stirs. We both sit next to him, one on each side, and wait. Mac yawns loudly and cracks his neck. He looks left at Fluttershy and smiles; he looks right to me and…

“HOLY CELESTIA!!!”

For someone as big as he is Mac moves quick, before we can even start to laugh he’s out of the bed and at the door but he can’t exactly leave due to an appendage that is no longer flaccid. He stands, five points of contact with the ground, and stares at us. Fluttershy is giggling softly and I’m outright cackling. Fluttershy flies over to him and asks him to come back to bed, for a second Mac looks ready to say no but then he looks her in the eyes and caves, together we walk back to the bed which creaks as they get on. Between Mac and I it’s a miracle we haven’t broken it yet.

“So jus what went on last night?” Mac asks. Fluttershy and I take turns narrating the remembered events.

“Well Fluttershy invited me over and tricked me into sleeping with her…”

“I didn’t have to try too hard to trick Lafe, uh, sorry. Then you came to talk to him and I let you in…”

“You jumped in and we went at it for a while…” Mac grunts, it seems that he too has sat on a …toy and it poked him right in the…never mind.

“Then I fell asleep…”

“And I have no clue what happened after that…”

“So what we want to know is what happened after I passed out…”

“Where that came from…” I point at the… toy.

“And why we’re wearing socks.” Fluttershy finishes and Mac looks down at the bright pink socks that are stretched onto his back hooves.

“Well I think I can clear up a few things.”

Mac proceeds to describe the most explicit sex scene I’ve ever heard of, toys, positions and every imaginable act we could think of. I actually feel proud that I managed a few of those things. By the end of Mac’s tale fluttershy’s wings are as rigid as steel and I’m saluting proudly. Fluttershy looks down at me and whispers. “Wow, you really weren’t lying,” She looks back up. “Not that I thought you were, it’s just…wow!”

I cover my lap with a pillow and look to Mac.

“So that explains everything except for the socks, any clue?” I look to both of the ponies in the bed with me, they both shake their heads.

“Weird, by the way, what was it you needed to tell me Mac?”

“Oh, we need ta get ta Sweet Apple Acres by five thirty and start makin’ cider.”

“OK, what time is it now?”

“Seven fifteen.” Big Mac and I both thank her.

“Wait…”

“Seven…”

“Fifteen…”

“Oh…”

“Shit!!!”

With a quick kiss to Fluttershy Mac runs to her shower and turns the cold water on to rid himself of his fifth leg, I jump out of bed and dress as quickly as I can. Five minutes later Mac and I are barreling out of the cottage. Mac stops long enough to kiss Fluttershy and ask her out to dinner later, with a yes and another kiss he runs off and catches up with me.

We both run as fast as we can to Sweet Apple Acres and get there in a third the time it should have taken. We tear into the farm and race to the area where Granny Smith, Applejack, and Applebloom are already mashing apple with a large machine and pouring the resulting liquids into tubs. We slow to a jog as we approach. Applejack hops off the treadmill wheel on the machine and glares at us.

“Jus where in tha Sam hill have you two been?!?”

“Uh.”

“Um.”

“Fishing!”

“Eeyuup!”

“Whatever, just get to work, Macintosh get on tha wheel, and sonny dump those barrels of apples into this here hole in the machine.” Granny Smith seems pissed so we start immediately.

“Yes Granny.”

“Yes Ma’am.”

Mac gets in the wheel and starts trotting, but not before donning a bitchin' set of stempunk goggles, to power the machine. I pull a pair of work gloves from my bag, pull my kerchief over my mouth and nose, and don my own, not as awesome, goggles and start dumping barrel after barrel into the hole Granny pointed out.

Five minutes in and I’m already sore and sweaty, the sun beats down on my back and the barrels easily weigh two hundred pounds each, this is gonna be a long day.

Cider season and a three way (Alt Ending)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Cider season and a three way (Alt Ending)

I blame the following monstrosity on Frank DuFresne (Doc). His offhand comment stuck in my head and played out in my dreams last night. Here’s to you Frank.

“Jus where in tha Sam hill have you two been?!?”

“Uh, fishing. We were fishing down at the crick sis.” Big Mac lies.

“Having sex!” I reply with pleasure.

All eyes are on me except mac’s, he’s busy facehoofing and swearing at me under his breath.

“Whas that sonny? You say you an Mac were off doin’ WHAT?!?”

“What the hell? With who, Oh Celestia, not with,” Applejack points at us and swings her hooves back and forth. “Each other, right?”

“What’s sex?” Applebloom asks innocently.

“Nothin’ ya need to be concerned about Applebloom!” shouts AJ.

“Sex is jus bout mah fav’rite hobby,” Granny Smith quips as she trots over and smacks my ass and Mac’s. “Atta boys, who’d ya get? Hmm, hmm?”

“GRANNY!” Mac and AJ both call out. I just rub my sore ass, Big Mac already made me sore but now I’m gonna have a bruise because of how hard Granny Smith smacked me. God, I know I sound like a pussy but the old lady packs a wallop.

Off to the side I hear Applebloom talking to herself. “Ah wonder if ah can git a cutie mark for sex? CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS SEX STARS GO!!!”

Granny Smith pats Applebloom on the head. “Go get ’em squirt, ride those stallions like the cowpony you are. Back in mah day, before mah hip wen out, I had a line of fellers as far as tha eye coul see jus waitin’ to taste mah sweet apple pie, an I’m not talking about the pastry!”

“GRANNY!!!” Mac and AJ scream as I fall to the ground laughing.

For the next ten minute Mac covers his ears and AJ makes ‘lalalala I'm not listening lalalala’ noises as Granny smith describes her long (Very long) list of suitors, what they did to woo her and how one stallion with a great ‘plot’(The same stallion that Mac and AJ call grandpa) won her over. She never once skimped on details. Applebloom sits and listens in awe, just imagining all the crazy, sexy shenanigans that the CMC would soon get in. “We should invite Spike over! Oh oh and Pip and featherweight to, then it would be even better.” As all of this is happening im leaning against a tree and laughing so hard that it hurt.

“Everypony jus STOP!” Cries Applejack. I can hear and feel the fury in her words. “We’re already late enough cause a these two horndogs screwin' around! Now lets get to work. Bro, you get on the wheel and start runnin’ jus pretend your sweetheart is in front of ya. Lafe, you get on dumpin’ these hear barrels into this here shoot. Got it?”

“Eeyuup sis.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Granny, you an ah will keep getting’ the juices in the packages, Applebloom you keep checkin’ all the apples before Lafe dumps ’em. And there is no way in Tartarus that you are having any boys over for such things! You’re nowhere near old enough. Got it?”

“Yep sis.” Applebloom seems devastated that she can’t ride all the boys in her class like Granny said but she goes back to work like she’s already over it.

We all get in the groove of working and no one speaks for almost a half hour. Finally Applejack breaks the white noise of Mac’s heavy breathing and the machine’s clunking.

“So who were you fellers ‘out’ with anyway?”

“Fluttershy.” Mac and I say as one.

“Wait, she’s bucking both of ya, that don’t seem like ‘Shy to cheat on somepony.”

“Well sis, the thing is…”

“We were both ‘out’ with her at the same time.”

“WHAT!?!” Applejack stops her work to yell at us.

“Atta boys! That’s the best way too, one underneath an one on top. Ah tell ya, I can’t remember how many time I been sammiched in between two fine stallions. They always seemed to go at it together to. Good times, good times.”

Mac, AJ, and I all stare at Granny Smith. Applebloom had not heard (Thank God) and was still busy with her work.

“Ya’ll didn’t… like go at it with…each other while you were with ‘Shy, did ya?”

I look at Big Mac and he looks at me, he shakes his head a bit and I wink.

“No sis!”

“Absolutly!”

Applejack looks at me and gets up.

“You sayin’ mah brother a coltcuddler?”

“Yep, well no, I think he swings both ways if last night was any evidence.” I wink at Mac.

I look back to AJ just in time to see her back hooves bucking. Me.

“SHIT!” the impact sends me back a couple feet to where I crumple like a ragdoll. Amazingly, I find that nothing is broken, just bruised horribly.

I stand and laugh. Mac facehoofs again and starts plodding along on the wheel, Granny jumps into another story about a suitor that she had bucked all night, (I don’t think she means that she kicked him all that time) and AJ glares at me. I return to my task and start working double time in order to make up for dicking around (Literally) earlier.

I was already sore to begin with (Thanks Mac, even though part of it was Fluttershy and that…toy) and now I have another bruise on my ass and some aching ribs to add to it. I suck it up and keep working as Granny Smith enlightens us on the proper ways to try the positions described in the Karmare sutra. Today’s gonna be a long day.

This is in no way a part of the actual storyline or plot, it's just some random craziness to hold you guys over until the next chapter. So don't take this seriously at all.

Ford: Found On Road Dead
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Ford: Found On Road Dead

Though this morning started out Chaotic things are running smoothly for the time being. We’ve been working almost none stop for ten hours now, our only real brake being a half hour for lunch, and are about done. Granny Smith talked all day about how Ponyville was founded when she was young and how she met her husband. She told me how the cider we were making now would be seasoned and stored until next year, half of it will be allowed to ferment and become hard cider (A slightly alcoholic beverage.) and most of the rest would be stored throughout the winter and just a bit, one or two barrels, would be used to make that delicious Appleshine. What would be sold tomorrow was the, now properly seasoned, cider from last year, and then the hard cider from last year would be distributed later on in the night.

Granny said that it was a shame I wasn’t here for Zapapple season to help out and try some of her famous Zapapple wine and whiskey. “It’ll put hair on yer chest!” she said. Although it meant little to a fur covered pony I found it amusing and promised to help next harvest.

At the moment Mac and I are pulling the cider machine back into its shed as Granny, AJ, and Applebloom are pouring the last of the liquefied apples into their containers and adding the first batch of seasoning to them. Mac and I then pull those containers into another shed and call it a night, Mac heads off to take Fluttershy to dinner and I accept an invitation to stay and eat with the rest of the Apple’s.

An hour later I sit down to a delicious vegetarian meal of mashed sweet potatoes, steamed veggies, a few pony only dishes, and apple cobbler for desert. Everyone digs in and I say a quick, silent prayer and cross myself before I join.

“Wut was that?” Asks Applebloom curiously.

“What was what?” I reply without thinking.

“That,” She mimics the crossing motion I made. “That weird move ya did with yer hands.”

“Oh, you mean this?” I do it again to ensure that it’s what Applebloom meant.

“Yeah, wut was it?”

“It’s part of a prayer, it has four points,” I repeat the motion once more and match my words to the position my hand is in. “Father, son, holy, spirit.” Temple, chest, left shoulder, right and then a finger to my lips.

“Ok, but who are ya prayin’ ta?”

“I pray to my God, he is the Father from the prayer.”

“Ah, ah getch ya. What are ya prayin for? And why do you call him father?”

“Most people pray for a lot of things but I don’t, I usually thank him for letting things in my life go well, a minute ago I just thanked him for the food and the good company and for keeping me safe. I also prayed that he would keep my wife and baby girl back home safe.” I get a bit choked up and stop. A few tears escape from my eyes and I hiccup.

“Applebloom I think that’s enough, I don’t think that Lafe wants to talk about it anymore.” AJ sounds irritated, like she’s the one who doesn’t want me to talk about it anymore.

“’S OK Applejack, I’m fine.”

Granny rocks a bit in her chair and starts watching us like a tennis match, back and forth, as Applebloom and I start again.

“We call him Father because he created us and has guided us along the path to life and when we pass on he welcomes us into his home with open arms.”

“Whose ‘we’?”

“When I say ‘we’ I mean everyone who believes in him.”

“So some people don’t believe in him?”

I eat a forkful of beans (Why the hell do ponies use forks?) and swallow. “Yep, some don’t believe in a God at all and some others believe in other gods.”

“Oh, wait if there’s a buncha gods how do ya know which un is the real un?”

“That’s the reason I said ‘believe’, I don’t really know, n one does. All we can do is believe in what we feel to be right and true n our hearts and hope that it’s right.”

“That sounds lika buncha hogwash!”

“Applebloom!” AJ scolds her sister.

“That’s the thing Applebloom. In a way it is all hogwash, everything humans have come to know, do, and believe are based on guesses, hunches, and gut instincts. But that’s also the reason we cling to those guesses so dearly, we have nothing else to cling to.” I smile and pat Applebloom on the head.

We don’t discuss religion again for the rest of the dinner, instead we chit chat about little things. I tell Applebloom about the university I worked at and how big it was compared to Ponyville elementary or even the college in Canterlot. I tell Applejack about the massive agricultural endeavors back in my home state of Illinois. “Mare, I wish I could have on of them fancy tractors instead of my beat up ole truck. Sure would make life around here easier.” I ask her if I could see her truck later and she says sure. Just before we wrap the meal up I tell Granny smith about the rum runners and moonshiners of the prohibition era. “Heh, maybe we oughta try an make some apple spice rum.” She replies. I tell her that I would love to help. If it involves alcohol then I’m game.

I help to clear the table and wash dishes. I soap them up and rinse them off before handing them to Applejack to put them away.

“So what kinda truck do you have?”

“I dunno really. They stopped makin’ ’em just after they started so I know next to nothin’ bout it.”

“How’d you get it?”

“My uncles friend worked for the company that made them, he didn’t want it so my uncle got it, my uncle didn’t want it so I got it and now I don’t want it because it doesn’t run.”

“What doesn’t work?”

“Mmmhmm,” AJ shrugs her shoulders. “The damn thing jus won’t start.”

“Well let me have a look at it, if it’s an internal combustion engine then I can fix it.” I pass the last of the dishes to AJ.

“An interno what now?”

“Internal combustion engine, it’s what all vehicles on earth run on.”

“Oh, I knew that.”

We leave the house and walk out past several sheds and barns to small grove of trees where a large truck rests (And rusts) under a tarp two sizes too small to cover it. I yank off the tarp to reveal the truck in all its… hideousness. It’s heavily rusted but a shade of neon pink paint is still visible across the entire body of the vehicle which is shaped like an apple. I pop the trunk to find nothing wrong, save the fact that the battery isn’t attached to anything.

The engine is a common V-8 and in pristine condition, oil is full and so is the gas tank. I reconnect the battery and hop in. It has two seats up front, a padded bench in the back, and a small flatbed behind that. For whatever reason it’s big enough that I can comfortably sit in it. I turn the keys in the ignition and it rumbles loudly.

“Get in!” I shout over the noise of the engine.

AJ hops into the truck, pulls her door shut and fastens a harness across her torso. I look at the harness and strap part of it around my waist, effectively making it a lap seat belt.

“Where are we goin’?” AJ nearly screams to be heard over the roar of the engine. Oops, I have my foot on the gas, maybe that’s why its so damn loud. I move my foot and the noise dies down to a purr, I look over to AJ.

“To town.” I smile as I shift into drive and put the pedal to the metal.

We tear out of Sweet Apple Acres and down the road to Ponyville. It takes us just a few minutes to reach town. I lay on the horn as we come barreling down the main road at sixty miles an hour. Good God this is fun. Next to me AJ is whooping it up as I fishtail and start to do doughnuts in front of the library. In record time, I’m sure, Twilight runs out to see just what the hell is going on.

“Get in!” I yell to her.

Now with Twilight in the back I drive over to Sugarcube Corner. I honk for a full minute until Pinkie sticks her head out the window.

“Get your pink ass down here and hop in back!” Startling us all Pinkie somehow manages to take her seat even before im done yelling to her.

“What da fuq?” Twilight and AJ both look at me and shrug. Fuck it.

We drive around town for a bit and then head back to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Hey AJ?”

“Yep?”

“Would you be willing to sell this thing?”

“Sure, how much you got?”

“Seven hundred bits.”

“I’ll sell it to you for five as long as you let us use it for harvest season.”

“Deal.” We shake on it and I promise to get the money to her tomorrow.

I drop Everypony off at their homes and crash at Twilight’s. I have to be up at four in the morning to help out tomorrow but at least ill have a new ride.

I drift into a sound sleep as I determine what I’m going to do to pimp out my new ride.

I sleep with a smile on my face.

Mac's hard cider
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Mac's hard cider

My peaceful slumber is disturbed by the beeping of my watch’s alarm, dammit, is it three thirty already? I get up and stow my sleeping mat away quietly so as not to wake a soundly sleeping Twilight. A quick shower is all that it takes to really wake me up and get me ready for the day. I grab a bagel and eat it as I pull my new truck out from behind the library and head off towards Sweet Apple Acres.

I arrive just as Mac and AJ are leaving the house to get the cider which now can be driven into town rather than pulled on carts. I coast up and stop right next to the shed where all the regular cider is stored and hop out. Applebloom runs over along with the CMC and two other foals I recognize but don’t know by name, the colt is white with brown spots and hair and is sporting an eye patch and a red bandana, the filly is light grey unicorn with bleach blond hair.

“Sup?” I smile and wave at the CMC and their friends who all wave back politely.

“Not much.” I don’t think it would be physically possible for Scootaloo to sound any less enthused.

“We wanted to introduce the two newest members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” Sweetie, on the other hoof, is very excited.

“Ya’ll, this is Pip,” Applebloom begins the introductions.

“Hey.” Pip takes a bow.

“And Dinky hooves.”

“Hi!”

Applejack tells me that they are trying to get their cutie marks doing whatever the hell it is we’re doing today. Mac and I get paired with Pip and Scootaloo, the rest stay with Applejack and Granny as we start loading up barrels of cider. I jerry rig a few carts to the truck like trailers and we load the um as well. Somehow we manage to squeeze fifteen barrels of cider on before we go.

I drive, Mac calls shot gun and Pip and Scoots take up the back seat. I drive slowly for once because of the cargo we are hauling. We make it to the stand in about five minutes and unload the truck and trailers. Once we do that we’ll head back for another load.

“Mister Lafayette?”

“Yes Pip?”

“Could you tell us a bit about yourself?” he has a slight British accent and speaks formally and politely. I can’t remember that last time I heard a kid speak with such manners.

“Please do.” Adds Dinkie.

“Uh, Ok.” I agree as I unload another barrel. “I’m twenty eight, which for humans is kinda old, relatively speaking I’m about as old as Big Mac here. I was a language professor at a university and later a marine in the military. I got… in an accident and landed here. That’s about it. Your turn.”

We return to the truck and head back to the farm as Pip begins speaking.

“I lived in the Britcolt islands with my mum and pop before the war, neither of them made it though so I was an orphan for a while. Then some Equestrian guards found me and had me sent to Canterlot for schooling and such. Just a year ago a family here adopted me and ive been in Ponyville ever since.”

“I just gotta ask, is the eye patch real or what?”

“You bet! Look.” I turn around to see Pip raise the cloth and reveal a black void where his left eye should be.

“Damn, sorry I asked kiddo.”

“Don’t worry about it, I don’t. Same with my parents, I was too little when it all happened to remember it so it’s not all that bad.”

Big Mac swaps topics suddenly.

“Wut about you, young filly? I know your mother and soon to be step dad but I haven’t heard much about you.

“Well, I can bake muffins real well and I can draw good too! My mommy said so.”

“That’s nice.” I tell her.

We ride back and forth from the stand in town to Sweet Apple Acres five more times before we have all the cider ready, we drive back a sixth time to pick Everypony up.

We open the stand up and ponies immediately begin to make their purchases. Granny, AJ, and the CMC handle the money while Mac and I move barrels of cider over and attach them to a keg like pump. For whatever reason the Apples sell their cider by the pint in glasses rather than in jars or jugs or cartons of any sort. When I ask Granny she says it’s to keep anypony from stealing their secret recipe.

I think the entire town’s population comes by; Derpy and her fiancé, Bon Bon, Mayor Mare, the main six, and a few hundred others. Rarity and Toby both buy a pint and Toby asks me why I bailed on the poker game. I remind him that he never gave me a place to meet at for it. He apologizes and tells me that he’ll hit me up for the next game. Pinkie buys a few gallons worth of cider and drinks it in one sitting, Fluttershy brings a flask from home to get filled up, and Twilight gets a few as well.

The crowd starts to die down and I buy a mug myself, it’s wonderful. The cider is as cold and refreshing as any beer and smooth as can be, I can taste apples, cinnamon, honey, and dozens of spices in it. If I had the money I’d buy a keg of this shit. Granny, AJ and the CMC walk home and leave Mac and I to close up shop.

I’m enjoying my drink when suddenly; Rainbow Dash out of fucking now where with a bag of bits the size of my head.

“Sup Dash.”

“All the cider you got, right now.” I pour her the last of the cider in the taped barrel and hand her half a mug. She looks at me like she’s ready to kill me.

“What?”

“I WANT MORE!!!”

“Sheesh, cool your jets.” I look over my shoulder to see that there are no more barrels. “Sorry Dash, what I just poured you was the last of it.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“Nope.”

“FUCK MY LIFE!!!” Dash slumps down to the ground and sips her half mug of cider slowly. Oh shit, I think she’s actually crying. I lean over the wooden stand and look her in the eye.

“You OK?” Why am I the recipient of so damn many death glares?

“You know they sell alcoholic cider after all the regular cider is gone right?” She looks up.

“You’re shittin’ me!”

“I shit you not dear Rainbow, all you have to do is go to the farm and buy it from Applejack or Granny Smith. If you want I’ll give you a…” Leaving nothing but a streak of rainbow in her wake Dash flies of in the general direction of Sweet Apple Acres. “…Lift.” I finish lamely.

Mac and I close up shop and return to the farm where I buy a pint of hard cider and say goodnight to an already drunken Rainbow Dash. I drive back to the library just in time for bed.

In the library I find Twilight reading a book while curled up on a chair, I find a blanket upstairs and cover her up with it. She looks up from her book and back at me as I lay the blanket around her, her face is just an inch from mine and for a moment she seems to move forward, as if she were going to… no, this is Twilight. I’m sure she’s not the least bit interested in me when she has all of these fantastic books to keep her occupied. I whisper goodnight to her and head for bed.

I fall asleep almost as soon as I lay down but I could swear that I hear soft weeping just before slumber envelops me.

I’m sure it was just my imagination.

A Spring morning
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

A Spring morning

A cold damp feeling on my neck wakes me up. Right above my face is Twilight smiling at me. She nuzzles my neck again and sits back on her haunches.

“Wake up sleepy head.” She singsongs softly.

“Morning Twilight, how’d you sleep?”

“It could have been better…” She mumbles something.

“I didn’t quite catch that, what did you say?”

“Oh nothing, I made pancakes, do you want some?”

“Sure, I’ll be down in a minute.” Twilight gets up and walks down stairs. I blink my eyes and grab my glasses, I must be seeing things; Twilight never sways her hips like that when she walks. I shower and dress quickly before following the scent of hot batter downstairs.

In the kitchen there is a mammoth stack of hot, fluffy, syrupy pancakes just waiting for me besides a large glass of milk. I chow down, barely stopping to chew my food.

“Thish ish delishuosh Twi!” I call to her in the other room while stuffing my face with even more food.

“I’m glad that you like it!’ she calls back.

Im too busy eating to notice Twilight’s outfit as she walks back in. I pull a seat out for her to sit down and join me. Instead of sitting next to me she nuzzles my neck again.

“Sup Twi?” I ask after I inhale the last remnants of the pancake tower from my plate.

“Nothing much, Spring began today.”

“I remember you said something earlier about sending all the foals to someplace, Appleoosa I think it was, for the start of spring. Why’s that?”

“Oh, it’s just that some of the Spring festivities are ‘adults only’.”

“Ah, keggers in the park or something like that?”

“Yeah, something like that, Applejack took them over this morning.”

“The foals?”

“Yep, so now we’re all alone. Together. Oh whatever shall we do?”

This whole conversation has been a bit weird but this comment in particular is beyond odd. I look over at twilight for the first time since I’ve been down here; all I can think is ‘Damn’.”

Twilight is all decked out in makeup, a frilly lace saddle, and thigh high purple and pink striped socks.

She nuzzles my neck once more and repeats her question.

“Oh what shall we do?” her eyelashes bat and she bites her lower lip.

“Want to go for a ride in my new truck?” the comment takes her by surprise.

“No, maybe later, but I was thinking of something else. Something we could do indoors, maybe, I don’t know, in the bedroom.”

“Chess?” I offer.

“No, no, something more physical.” Her voice is soft and sweet but I can hear the underlying emotions in it. I can read twilight like the books we both love so much.”

“Twister?”

“How about something… a bit more intimate?”

“Dancing?”

“…” She grimaces.

I smile at her and her frown softens. “I was thinking that we could share a bottle of wine and ‘chat’ for a bit. Maybe sit together on my bed and discuss ‘politics’.” I can tell by the emphasis of certain words that she meant them in very different ways from the Webster’s definition.

“Twilight Sparkle,” She looks in my eyes. “Are you trying to seduce me?”

“Maybe.”

“You need a bit of practice, let me show you.” I take her hoof and kiss the spot where the sock ends and her fur begins, I kiss an inch above that and an inch above that. I continue my ascent until I’m looking in her eyes.

“Twilight Sparkle,” She whinny’s softly. “Would you care to accompany me upstairs and share a bottle of wine?”

“MmmHmm!” she nods her head vigorously and bites her lip again.

“After you.” I point the way and she runs to the stairs in a flash.

With a small grin I follow.

Hot mama!
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Hot mama!

“Damn.”

I’m in Twilights bed, where I’ve spent the vast majority of the last two weeks, with Twilight curled up against my side, asleep and snoring lightly. Nopony has bothered us since the first night of cider season, in fact I haven’t seen anypony since the either, not that I’ve been out of the library, or bedroom, much lately.

Twilights readjusts herself again. I look at her and smile as she fidgets a bit and nuzzles my chest. God I love that feeling, her soft fur on my thick skin, it’s like silk rubbing against leather. Though she’s sound asleep, worn out from previous ‘activities’, I pet her mane and run my hands across her back, I just can’t get over how soft and smooth she is.

I think back to the three mares and the stallion id been with and how they had felt. It’s strange, though I guess it makes sense in this world, that their skin seems to mimic their attitude or abilities. Pinkie’s fur felt like angel food cake; soft and spongy, Dash felt like clouds, light and fluffy (I know how they feel, I’ve been in one.), Fluttershy felt like a pillow full of down, and Big Mac felt like the ground, hard and solid, yet supporting and flexible, and Twilight… Twilight takes the cake, she feels like brand new silk linens, cool and airy, but also warm and thick.

I scratch her ear and she moans softly in her sleep. Lizzie would do the same thing when I tickled her shoulder. Lizzie… a few tears trickle down my face as I look at Twilight, I’ve never felt weird about my open relationship before, never regretted sleeping around or felt guilty because I only ever gave my body away to strangers. Never my heart.

I’m no longer sure I can say that truthfully anymore.

‘I’m sorry Lizzie, but I’m gone now. I can’t come back, I can’t be there to love you, will you hate me if I start to love someone else? Till death do us part, well I’m dead and gone, so are we over? Is everything I ever knew over?’ Twilight burrows under the covers and closer to me as more of my tears fall. ‘Or are we in the ultimate open relationship, sleeping with and even loving others with only the knowledge that one day we will meet again somewhere heavenly to love each other once more, to love each other and others.?’ I close my eyes and cuddle with Twilight, vibrations form in the air as I hum a tune from my childhood. I start to sing the words that go along with the melody.

“I leave you tonight,

And wonder far away,

With nothing, save a kiss,

And the hope of returning someday.

I travel long and far,

Seeking the truth,

I spend all my time,

As you lose your youth.

For years I wonder aimlessly,

Plains, deserts, and oceans I cross,

Death and danger I face,

While you stay home and mourn your loss.

Winning battles, starting wars,

An eye, and ear, an arm, a leg,

Lost in the field,

To God you pray, to God you beg.

Years my journey consumes,

A dozen or more,

Before I return, old and decrepit,

To your door.

What I find when I knock,

Is the child of my lover,

And not I but another.

I weep, I moan,

But away I flee,

Sure that you no longer,

Want to love me.

I run then walk,

Then stumble and fall,

I shout for help,

But no one heeds my call.

I’m bleeding, I’m broken,

And angels descend from above,

Just before I pass you show,

And prove your love.

I look down now,

Watching from the stars in the sky,

And wish you well,

For you’re the apple of my eye.”

“That was beautiful.”

I look at Twilight in surprise. “I thought you were asleep.”

“I was your voice woke me up.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I loved hearing you sing, in fact do you think you could sing it for me again?”

I wrap her in a hug and whisper into her ear. “I’ll sing it again, just for you.” twilight levitates a piece of parchment and a quill over and uses her magic to record my words as I sing to her. When I finish singing I place a kiss just under her ear, then on her cheek, and then on her lips.

“I’ve only ever sung that to one other person.”

“Thank you for picking me to sing it to next.” She smiles and returns my kiss with more force than I had expected.

“Twi?” I mumble through the now feverish kiss.

“Mmmhmm.” She replies using simple sounds due to her tongue being busy. I break the kiss and hold her head in my hands.

“Why the sudden interest in me? I knew you liked me but then you started like liking me out of the blue. I’m not complaining but I want to know why. Was my appeal just too much to ignore or what?”

Twilight giggles and turns redder than Mac. I sit against the headboard of her bed and pull her onto my lap. My left hand rests on her hoof and my right wonders around her back before settling on her cutie mark.

“So?”

“Well, it’s kind of like what you said, but before I tell you anymore you need to understand this; I liked you since you came here, I just didn’t do anything before because I was afraid you’d reject me or that pony human relationships would be frowned on or that something terrible would happen like you getting taken away from me. The only reason I acted on my attraction to you when I did was because…” Twilight buries her head into my chest and lets out a choked sob.

“Because?”

“Because I was in heat, I have been for the last two weeks and will be for another few days.” She looks up at me, tears streaming down her face. “Please don’t be mad at me, please don’t leave me. Please.”

I kiss her on the lips again and hug her tightly.

“I’m not mad at all Twilight, in fact I’m very happy that you did what you did when you did it. And I’m not going to leave you Twilight; I’m never going to leave you, that is if you’ll still have me after you’re out of heat.”

“Yes, yes I’d love to have you as my...colt friend?”

“How about ‘boyfriend’?”

“Boyfriend, I like the sound of that.” She nuzzles my neck and starts giving me hickies.

“I do have a question though, when you over with heat will you be done… you know… until next spring or whenever?”

“Nope, ponies are horny all year; it’s just that in spring we go into reproductive overdrive.”

“OK, that’s good. I wouldn’t have really cared otherwise but I think my balls would permanently turn blue if I only could get laid one month every year.” Twilight laughs and goes back to kissing my body; she’s at my chest now.

“You said that you’ll be in heat for a few more days, right?”

“Yeah, three or four, why do you ask?” She’s lowered herself to my stomach.

“No reason, let’s just make those few days count.” I share a smile with Twilight for just a moment; soon her mouth is a bit too busy to continue smiling.

Today’s gonna be a good day, and so is tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

Royal pains
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Royal pains

Turns out that Shining was exaggerating just a bit; the princesses’ aren’t expecting us until later tonight.

We all sit back down and resume our meal. My steak is good, but not as good as the one Toby cooked. Our friends give Twilight and I a late round of congratulations and then Pinkie steals the spotlight to discuss her upcoming wedding. A half hour later she finally calms down and lets the rest of us speak.

Pinkie and Joe already have everything figured out: bridesmaids, groomsmen, best man and maid of honor (Big Mac and Fluttershy respectively.), the dresses, suits, the catering, and most importantly the party Pinkie is throwing afterwards. Rarity offers to supply the outfits, Twilight takes it upon herself to organize everything, Applejack will be catering, and Fluttershy will arrange the music. Dash says that she’ll bring the awesome.

Shining Armor and Cadance talk about their plans to go on vacation for their first anniversary. The Zebrecan islands or some tropical paradise like that. Now that her husband is no longer furious at me Cadance greets me and looks deep into my eyes. I feel funny as she does this, like she’s still touching me even though her body is a few feet away, she looks for a moment longer and then smiles brightly. She excuses herself and returns to her husband’s side where she whispers something into his ear and he smiles at me. I guess I passed some sort of test.

Fluttershy and Big Mac tells us about their plans to move the hens over to Sweet Apple Acres and start selling eggs, they think that the added profit from that will be more than enough to keep the farm out of dept.

Dash and AJ just sit together and listen, I think they’re a bit too preoccupied with each other to pay attention to anything else.

Rarity and Toby tell us all about the apartment that Toby is living in at the moment and the new house he’s having built near his restaurant. Rarity has decided to move out of the boutique, while still using it as an office and a store, and live with Toby once construction is complete. I have no clue how Sweetie Belle will take this, but I fear the worst.

Twilight offers to let me live at the library full time and I happily agree, what could be better than living with a beautiful girl who loves you in a house filled with books?

We finish our food and ponies start to leave; Dash and AJ race off to the farm (I wonder what they’ll be doing.), Mac and Flutters leave to attend to the chickens, Rarity and Toby want to get some coffee and ice cream so they head off to a small café across town, Pinkie and Joe disappear somewhere, and all of a sudden Twilight and I are left alone with Shining and Cadance.

“Well, we had better get going.” I say and all three agree with me.

Shining and Cadance had traveled to Ponyville via flying carriage but leave with Twilight and I by truck. Thanks to Twilight my truck no longer resembles gaily colored fruit; instead it looks like a silver, aerodynamic version of its former self. I toss my rifle and most of my gear in the back and settle into the driver’s seat. Twilight rides shotgun and her siblings sit in back. I order everyone to buckle up and then tear out of Ponyville at around ninety miles an hour. I think Shining just pissed himself.

God I love my truck!

It takes us an hour to make it to Canterlot and another twenty minutes to navigate our way through the maze of crowded streets. When we finally get to the front gates of the castle I’m blown away, never in my life have I seen such beautiful architecture. I take my iPod out and snap a dozen pictures as Shining addresses the guards at the gate and gains us entrance.

We coast through a garden filled with statues and water fountains, I take even more pictures. We drive up to a set of steps that leads to the main doors and get out. A guard rushes over and asks us to follow him inside.

We pass through the grand wooden doors and into a hallway of stained glass windows that would be the envy of every cathedral should the castle get up and start meeting other buildings in another world.

The guard leads us down hallway aftrer hallway and finally stops in front of two magnificent golden doors that look like a sunrise plastered onto steel. The guard knocks on the door and a voice calls from within, saying something I can’t quite catch.

“Her majesty, princess Celestia, will now see you.” The guard bows and assumes a diligent vigil off to the side of the door way.

I look back to Twilight, Shining, and Cadance. “Go in.” they all mouth silently.

I push the door on the right open and walk into a large bedroom. Shelves line every wall and a dozen or more books lie open and half read on bench tucked under a bay window. A tapestry of the sun and the moon hangs on the wall behind a California king size bed. On that bed is, I assume, one princess Celestia. Her fur is white like snow, her mane and tail are multicolored and flowing like a flag in a slight breeze, her cutie mark is a sun, I assume because she raise and lowers it, but the oddest things about her are her size and wings. She looks a good deal like Cadance, wings and a horn, but is much, much larger. Had she been standing rather than lying on her bed she would likely be eye level with me.

“Hello, your majesty.” I bow and then salute her once I stand again. “It is an honor to be able to meet you. As a soldier of the United States of America I offer my loyalty as an ambassador to earth or whatever you may need of me. I would like to thank you for letting me stay in your country and also request to be allowed to stay here indefinitely as I have no ways of returning home. I give you my word that I will follow any and all laws of your world if I am given citizenship here.”

“I appreciate your courtesy, Lafayette, but I’m afraid that there will be some difficulties involving your citizenship. If you all would accompany me to the courtroom we can discuss Lafayette’s situation with my sister and my advisers. There may be a way we can send you home.”

I bow again and gulp as I do. ‘Difficulties, advisers, being sent back? This isn’t good.’

I stand and wait as princess Celestia climbs off of her bed, walks past Twilight, Shining, and Cadance. I follow her and they follow me.

“Oh dear God,” I pray under my breathe. “Help me out here, please.” I cross myself and walk along side my friends as we follow Celestia to the courtroom.

Just when things are going well, and I’m starting to like it here, I get told I may be sent home. ‘What would I do if she does send me home? I couldn’t go to the military, or my friends, or even my wife because I’m dead. I probably couldn’t even get back into the USA. Sending me home would be a punishment worse than death at the moment.’

We approach the courtroom doors and I take a deep breath.

“Dear God, let this all go OK.”

With that final prayer we enter into a room full of bureaucrats and politicians who will decide my fate.

Just by seeing the expressions on their faces when they look at me I can tell I’m fucked. I rub Twilights neck and cast off my fear.

‘Here goes everything.’

Well that escalated quickly
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Well that escalated quickly

Princess Celestia takes a seat next to a dark blue winged unicorn, I assume Luna, and begins speaking.

“Lafayette, would you please tell us about yourself, how you came to Equestria, your plans now that you are here, and where your loyalties lie.”

I look over my shoulder at Twilight and her brother and sister in law. Seeing that they had no advise to give I turn to face Celestia and address her.

“Lafayette Ryder, master sergeant in the United States Marine Corps,” I tell her my ID number. “Twenty eight years of age, three hundred pounds, Roman Catholic, and a deceased citizen of the United States of America.”

“Deceased, how can that be? You’re standing here in front of us.” Celestia questions me.

“I was deployed in Iraq, during a routine resupply mission my convoy was ambushed and decimated, several vehicles, including the one I rode in, were destroyed by enemy explosives. I was killed and then somehow sent here, where I quite literally fell into Ponyville.” Everypony’s face soured as I described my death.

“I see,” Luna speaks for the first time. “What hath you been doing in Ponyville all this time, why hath you not sent word to mine sister and I about your arrival in our land?” She seems to keep slipping into a ‘Ye olden voice’, weird.

“I apologize, your highness, I was unaware that I needed to do any such thing and Captain Armor’s mission to collect me was the first time anyone said anything about speaking to either of you. As to what I have been doing in Ponyville, your student, one Twilight Sparkle, has been kind enough to let me stay in the library with her, I have been meeting the residents of the town and learning about Equestria.”

“Really?” Celestia sounds irritated at me. “Just what have you learned?”

“Twilight has taught me Common Equestrian, which I have all but mastered, and Royal Equestrian, which I am becoming quite proficient in. I have also learned about your currency and economy, as well as your government.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes your highness, I have been here for a little less than two months and a good deal off my time here has been spent familiarizing with the town and the townsfolk, resting due to injuries, and adjusting to my life here.”

“Mmm yes, you say that you are… were a Marine, what exactly is that?”

“The Marine Corps is a branch of my nation’s military equivalent to your royal guard with the only exception being that we protect the entire country rather than any specific groups such as government officials or royalty. We are also deployed to fight in any war in which the USA is participating, that was what I was doing when I was sent here.”

Luna speaks up again. “So that metal device upon yon shoulder, is it a weapon?”

“Yes, your majesty, it is a ballistic weapon called a rifle, specifically it is an M16 fully automatic assault rifle.”

“Would you care to demonstrate how it works for mine sister and I?”

“Certainly.” I grip my rifle and aim at an abandoned seat. I fire a burst of three and tear the wooden chair to bits. “When I pull the trigger the flammable powder in a casing is ignited which then propels a lead slug out from the end of the casing, down the barrel, and out to whatever is being shot at.” I point out each thing as I explain. “It can be a lethal weapon if used as one.”

“Captain Armor,” Celestia commands. “Please strip Sergeant Ryder of this ‘rifle’ immediately.” She addresses me again as Shining walks over to me. “Since you are not in the Equestrian Royal guard I cannot allow you to carry such weapons.” I hand the rifle to Shining without a fuss. “I understand fully princess. You’d better not drop that Shining; it could go off and shoot someone’s eye out.” I smile a bit at Shining’s sudden caution; it’s funny ’cause I already put the safety on. I’m also smiling because Celestia didn’t have my Desert Eagle confiscated.

Shining sets my M16 down next to him and resumes his watchful gaze as Celestia returns to speaking to me.

“My sister and I have found a spell that will transport you back to your home world; we will send you there after we are done here.” I see the tears in Twilights eyes and I know that I’m not leaving.

“With all due respect princess, I can’t return home.”

“For whatever reason?”

“I’m legally dead; they’ve already buried my body. If I were to return I would be lost. My friends saw me die, my wife and family witnessed the disposal of my remains, and my nation has me registered as deceased. I couldn’t explain to them how I came back to life, and they wouldn’t believe me if I did. The military would learn of it and find me, people don’t die and then just reappear, they would think me a deserter and demand answers, if I lied or avoided talking I would be court-martialed and imprisoned, if I told them the truth they would send me to an asylum. I’m dead, Celestia, I can’t go back.”

“That is… unfortunate Sergeant Ryder, because you cannot stay here in Equestria.”

“Why not?!?” I turn to see Twilight in tears as she yells at her mentor.

“You know very well why he cannot stay Twilight, ever since the first human wars I have declared their race banned from our kingdom.”

“But those humans where under the influence of Discord! He’s trapped in stone now; he can’t even communicate with anypony. Besides, Lafe doesn’t even know who Discord is or how he killed of all those humans, he’s innocent. You can’t send him away. I…I…”

I look from Twilight to Celestia. “Humans have been here before and you’re just now telling me? Who is ‘Discord’ and what happened to those humans? I have a right to know considering I am one.”

Twilight holds back a sob and explains. “Years ago, before Nightmare Moon,” I don’t know who this is but I notice Luna cringe at the name. “Discord brought humans here from earth. He ruled them and got them to fight each other, eventually they nearly destroyed themselves because of Discord’s influence. Celestia and Luna gathered up all those who survived the wars and sent them back to where they came from. You’re the first human to come here since.”

Celestia starts to confirm Twilight’s words.

“I tried to stop my wars but failed. I was forced to send them home afterwards, there was no other option, and I could not allow such bloodshed to stain my kingdom any further.”

I glare at her. “So you fought the humans? I thought that Twilight said they just fought each other.”

“I never once met the humans in battle, how dare you make such accusations, whatever made you say such a thing!?!”

“You called them ‘My wars’, we all heard you.” I look to the presiding bureaucrats and my friends for confirmation; they all nod their heads or mumble things to the affirmative. “If discord caused the wars and you never fought them, then why were they ‘your wars’?”

Celestia stares at me. “Damn, I gave it away. Well no that that’s out I might as well tell the truth; Discord never started any wars, but I did.”

“What?” Dozens of ponies, Luna, Twilight, Shining, and Cadance among them, shout and yell. They can’t believe what their benevolent princess just said.

“I couldn’t let the humans stay; they were too great a risk. So I stirred them up and made them fight, when the majority of them were gone I forced the rest to leave. Humans are dangerous, they can’t live like we do, in peace and harmony, and they crave violence and destruction. They can’t be happy; they have to fill their lives with sorrow and pain. I couldn’t just banish them willy nilly so I caused the wars and used it as an excuse. Now we have a human here threatening to hurt our happiness, this I can’t allow.”

Celestia’s horn glows and she flaps her wings, lifting herself off the ground.

“But I’m sure you won’t go without a fight, and my guards are no match for you, so...”

The glowing aura around her horn pulses and a thousand shrieks meet our ears.

The stained glass windows that line each wall shatter and the creators of the shrieking swarm into the court room.

Hundreds of black and green, winged, horned, insectoid, pony shaped creatures cut through the air and surround me, from every angle thy cut me with their sharp wing tips and shove me with holy hooves. Their bodies are hard, as though an exoskeleton covers them, and as they begin to fly in a circle around me their torsos hit me, throwing me off balance and into another one of them. I feel like a pinball being knocked back and forth, I can already feel bruises joining the gashes all over my body from the pummeling I’m receiving.

“Stand down guards, these changelings are under my control now. Let them do as I have commanded them to.”

“But how?!? Queen Chrysalis rules the changelings!”

“Not anymore, after my defeat at captain Armor’s wedding I tracked her down and ‘dealt’ with her. The Changeling hives are mine to rule over now, I am the new hive queen!”

I can just make out what Celestia and Twilight shout over top of the incessant humming of insect wings and growling of hungry mouths. I feel teeth sink into my shoulder and suddenly feel cold, as if all of my happiness is being sucked out of the holes in my flesh. My legs give way beneath me and I fall to my knees, a Changeling clotheslines me and I slump to my side. Pain and fear mix inside me resulting in a burst of adrenaline flowing into my bloodstream. I pull my Desert eagle from its holster with my left hand and unsheathe my combat knife with my right. I flip the safety off and start firing into the crowd while stabbing and slicing legs at the same time. Bloodlust overcomes me as I hear the pained screaming of the dying bugs; I pull myself into a crouch and reload my pistol while still swinging my blade into everything that moves around me.

I load a round into the chamber and fire point blank into a Changelings face, blowing his entire head off of his shoulders. Blood sprays and covers me as I stand and continue to fire. Head shot after head shot is coupled with a knife into every buggering bastard that dares to come within my arms reach. I smile a bit as I catch some poor faggot’s neck with my knife and tear his throat out. I laugh as a single stupid fuck leaves the spinning vortex around me and tries to disarm me. I reward his bravery with a bullet to his chest and a knife blade lodging into his skull. I reload my sidearm again single handedly, stabbing at the pests flying around me as I do. I lift my arm up to fire again but am stopped by something slicing through my wrist. I hear the clack of metal hitting stone and look at my left arm. Instead of seeing five gloved fingers and a palm I see a bloody stump with a bit of bone sticking out and an odd hazel/green mist seeping from my veins.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!!!”

I scream as I start to cut and slash my way through the horde of hive minded cunts that separates me from safety, my friends, and Twilight. I shoulder my way into the vortex and stab everything I can, after what feels like an hour the last of the Changelings falls prey to my blades. It’s wing is torn off and it falls right in front of me. I watch for a moment as it tries to bite my leg. It looks up at me right as I bring my foot down onto and into its head.

I can’t feel my left arm but I know that I’m bleeding badly; you don’t lose a hand and walk it off without any threat of bleeding out. I know that bruises and gashes, some an inch deep and a foot long, cover my entire body. My pants are shredded and my shirt ceased to cling to my torso long ago. I look at my friends; they’re terrified of me, I look at Twilight, she must hate me. I turn and point a not so bloody stump at Celestia.

“You’re damn right about humans being violent, but guess what. We’re only violent when someone tries to hurt us or our loved ones or when some bitch sends a hundred fucking bugs to try and KILL US!! If you didn’t notice, I was doing just fucking fine in Ponyville, the most aggressive thing I did was scare some stupid little cunts that were torturing other foals. I’m not some monster unless I have to be. So fuck you Celestia. FUCK YOU!!”

Luna is horrified, so is everyone else I’m sure, but Celestia just looks annoyed.

“I have lived five thousand years, fought in more wars and taken more lives than you could possibly imagine. I’ve ruled this land for four thousand years, by myself for a full millenia of that time, and raised the sun every day. I’ve been insulted a hundred thousand times by thousands of ponies and dealt with a chaos god, but I’ve never met anyone, pony or otherwise, as rude and barbaric as you. For such sins as yours I'm sure you’ll burn in, oh what make believe place does your kind’s bullshit god sent you if your bad, hell was it? Yes, I’m sure you’ll burn in hell Sergeant Ryder, just like all of you filthy humans.”

Celestia flies over and lands in front of me, I walk up and whisper to her.

“I won’t be surprised in the least if I do go to hell, but you know what? When I get there I’m gonna stroll right through all the fire and brimstone, all the way to Satan himself. And I’m gonna tell Lucifer to get the FUCK outta my chair, and if ol’ scratch knows what’s good for him he’ll back the fuck up.” I hawk and spit right on her foot. “There’s a reason we Americans hate monarchies, it’s power hungry cunts like you.”

I turn around and walk away from the infuriated princess. I walk over to Twilight and drop down to a knee. I hug her and she hugs me.

“I love you Twilight.” I mutter.

“I love you too Lafe.” She replies.

“Let’s go hom…”

I keep speaking but no sound comes forth. Twilight looks at me and screams. I can’t hear her. I can’t hear anything.

Pressure builds around my body and an aura surrounds me. An aura the same color as Celestia’s magic. Suddenly I can’t breathe, I can’t move, and I can’t hear. But I can see.

I see Luna screaming.

I see Celestia smiling at me, her grin full of hate.

I see the bodies of all the Changelings I killed.

I see Shining and Cadance yelling.

I see Twilight crying out and trying to grab me.

I see Twilight.

I see an angel.

I see the dark.

I see nothing.

Consequences
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Consequences

Warning: Random switch from 1st person to 3rd person.

Though the courtroom had experienced more than its fair share of noise, emotion, and chaos today blew all previous records out of the water.

One hundred and forty two changelings dead, screams and shouts not only equivalent of a WonderBolts crowd but actually exceeding it, a purple mare sobbing uncontrollably, a blue Alicorn declaring her sister and co ruler momentarily insane and sedating her, and most importantly the banishment of the first human to set foot on Equestrian soil for over two millennia to the moon.

The monetary damage was great; millions of bits worth of architecture and artistic windows destroyed or damaged beyond recognition or repair, but the emotional damage was far greater; Luna could no longer trust her sister and neither could any of the ponies in the court room, Twilight Sparkle could not speak for she was so astonished by her mentors violent outburst and her lovers banishment, Captain Armor could not bear to serve such an evil seeming princess and vowed to retire from the Royal guard immediately, all others were shocked and disgusted by the human’s killing spree and their goddess like ruler’s ages old corruption and her recent attempt at murder. All who left that courtroom today left it with a heavy heart.

Luna assured Twilight that Lafayette could be retrieved… as soon as Celestia was awake and once more in her right mind. The Alicorn of the night begged Captain Armor to stay with the Royal guard but only receives a ‘Maybe, we’ll see.’ as an answer. Without seeing her traumatized guests out she left for her chambers.

A squadron of guards carried their unconscious princes of the sun to her room as Twilight and her brother and sister in law fled from the castle.

Rather than wait for a carriage or attempt to drive Lafayette’s truck back to Ponyville the two unicorns and one young Alicorn used their combined magic to teleport themselves to the library where Twilight rushed to her room and promptly cried herself to sleep.

Cadance stayed at Twilight’s side as her husband made his rounds throughout the town to told all of Lafayette’s friend of the events that had unfolded at the castle and the fate that had befallen him. The story became more difficult for Shining with every telling and soon he was openly weeping along with whoever was listening to him as he spoke.

Two hours later, just as the sun fell haphazardly below the horizon and the moon rose shakily to claim the night for itself, Shining returned to the library to find his wife and baby sister crying softly over cups of cocoa.

“Twily,” He said as soothingly as he could manage. “We’ll get him back soon, it may take a few weeks or a month but we’ll get him back. I promise.”

Cadance brushed Twilight's mane out of her face and held her closely as she spoke.

“BBBFF, Shining, we’ll never get him back. Celestia hates him just because of who… because of what he is. As long as she hates humans she’ll never consent to him coming back. As long as we don’t have her consent we can never get him back. I’ll never see him again now and I’m…I’m…I’m…” Twilight faltered and started to sob again. Cadance
whispered quietly to her in an effort to calm her, it failed utterly.

Shining scooted closer to her and lifted her head up with his hoof. “You’re what Twilight?” he said softly.

“I’m pregnant; I’m pregnant with Lafe’s babies.”

“Babies?” Cadance asked in shock.

“Twins, I found out just this morning, I was going to tell him after lunch with our friends. Now he’ll never get to see them, he’ll never even know.”

Twilight leaned into Cadance and wept once more. Her brother and sister in law both embraced her and stayed with her until slumber took her again from the land of the waking. Together they carried her to bed and tucked her in, and then they went back to the kitchen where they held each other and wept together.

For the longest time there had been no reason for such sorrow as this in Equestria, but now because of Celestia’s attempts to banish an evil that would bring unhappiness to her people she had brought unhappiness to them herself.

Looking down from a dreamscape in the sky a broken man holds himself and rocks his body slowly. All he had ever loved was gone now, taken from him. He had nothing. He wept, but n one could hear his pain, no one could comfort him. He was alone, and he always will be.

Days of our lives
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Days of our lives

Day 1

The pressure encompassing my body fades and I fall several feet to the ground. I’m not on Earth; I’m not in Equestria, where the fuck am I?

I gasp for air but I can’t breathe.

‘OH SHIT!!!’ I try to scream out, but I can’t speak, I can’t hear.

I collapse to the ground and cover my throat with my hands as I desperately try and breathe. Two minutes without air and I’ll be out cold, three or four and I’ll be dead. I pray silently and sob hysterically. Everything, everyone is one and now I’m going to asphyxiate on some goddamn rock in space. I look around and notice the strangely patterned rock formations and then the world of Equestria on the horizon.

‘That bitch sent me to the moon!’

I scream wordlessly and notice something else; it’s been almost five minutes since I got here. I’m not dead. I can’t breathe but I’m not dead.

I look at my body and realize that I may well die soon anyway; all of those gashes are still bleeding, all except for the stump of my wrist, odd. I figure that I’ll have an hour of two before I bleed to death.

‘Twilight.’ I whisper.

I sit down and hold myself.

‘Twilight.’

I rock myself to sleep.

Day two

I wake up hours later and think.

‘How the hell am I alive?’

I look down at my body; all my cuts are gone, replaced by glowing hazel/green scars.

‘Weird.’ I think as I drift back to sleep.

Day three

The hazel/green scars are gone, there's no evidence that I had ever been hurt. Except for my left hand that is. Where my hand had been there is now a smooth stub and a bright aura, the same color as the ones that had covered my scars. All my bleeding has stopped, all my bruises have faded, and all my soreness has vanished. Now if only all my pain were gone too.

Day four

I scream. I scream at the ground, at the rocks, at the sky, and at myself. I scream until im horse and my lungs hurt. I scream even though I can’t hear it. I scream until I can scream no more.

I sleep.

Day five… I think

My left hand is back, just as iff it had never gone away. Except its different, its blurry instead of solid, its hazel/ green instead of tanned white, it tingles like pins and needles, it moves things, rocks and debris, without touching them. If I can think it my hand can do it.

Day something

‘Smile, smile, smile,

I kill you,

You kill me,

We host a big satanic blood orgy!’

I laugh and cry, I scream and whisper, and I bash my head against rocks and then nurse my wounds.

Day something plus ten

I can control my hand now. It looks like a regular hand again, just a bit paler. I can fly, I can teleport, I can use telekinesis. Maybe, just maybe, I can teleport home.

Day I don’t fucking know plus twenty eight

Ive done it. IVE FINALLY FUCKING DONE IT!!!

Day sometime past noon

I'm going home tomorrow at moonrise. I swear I am.

Day tomorrow at moonrise

“I’m back!”

End Act 1

Return party
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Return party

I look in front of me at a hundred year old red brick house covered in ivy. I guess when I thought of going home I actually thought of here. It’s dark out so no one sees me stand on my front porch and contemplate, I might only get this one chance, then again knowing Lizzie I may get shot at.

Fuck it.

I knock on the door and wait, after the longest moment of my life it’s opened by a young girl of ten or so.

“Hello, who are you?”

‘I’m your dad.’ I want to say it so badly but I know I can’t.

“My name is Brendon, is your mother here, I’d like to speak with her.”

My voice cracks and its all I can manage not to tear up in front of my baby girl.

“Yeah she’s here; give me just a sec an I’ll get her for you.” She walks away and I hear her yelling downstairs at someone, presumably Lizzie. A minute later a woman answers the door, I almost don’t recognize her because of the silver hair and wrinkled skin. She was a year older than me and Dulcie, my baby girl, is about ten now so Lizzie would be thirty nine going on forty.

“Hello? My daughter told me that your name was Brendon but I’m sure she was mistaken, I’m Lizzie Ryder, what did you want to talk to me about?”

Her voice is sad and full of pain; I fight back tears as I look at her.

“Dulcie had my name right, but I go by Lafayette most of the time now, I just wanted to see you two before I had to go back.”

“H… how did you my girls name?”

“Because I was the one that named her, Lizzie, it’s me, it’s Brendon, it’s Lafe. I came back to see you.” Lizzie faints but I catch her in my arms. She looks up into my eyes and smiles.

“I’ll be damned, it is you. You know I’ve never met another man with one green eye and one brown.”

“Not very common is it, then again I’m not a common man either.” She laughs and kisses me on the lips.

“I’ve missed you so much; it’s been so hard without you.”

“I missed you too, that’s why I came back. I couldn’t stand to be away any longer. I have to go now; I can already feel myself being pulled back. Just know this Lizzie, I love you and I always will.”

My body starts disappearing but it’s not my doing, evidently Twilight found a way to bring me back to Equestria.

“Don’t go, don’t leave me again.”

“I’m sorry Lizzie.” I hug her tightly and kiss her one last time. “Tell the guys hi, and tell Dulcie that I love her. Good bye Lizzie.” Her lips touch mine one more time as I fade away completely.

I rematerialize in the main room of the library surrounded by ponies. Twilight is right next to me and the main six stand behind her. Big Mac, Joe, the CMC, Toby, Princess Luna, and most surprising of all Princess Celestia stand off to the side.

“Hi.” I say before being viciously hugged by my favorite lavender unicorn.

“I thought I’d lost you for good Lafe, I’m so glad you back. I have great news!”

“You can tell me in a moment Twi, I need to talk To Celestia first.” I kiss Twilight on the lips and casually make my way over to the white Alicorn.

“What the hell happened to your wing?” I ask as I point at the fresh bandages.

“I was hoping that you could help explain that Lafe, you see I had a terrible dream last night and when I woke up my wing was dislocated.”

“I fear that your magic has infected me,” I smile as I speak and show off my new left hand. “I’m still getting use to controlling it. So anyway there is one thing we need to clear up, can I stay?”

“Will you ever attack any of my little ponies or injure my sister or I?”

“Only if they try and kill me first. We cool?”

“Yes, we are ‘cool’.” I shake Celestia’s hoof and turn to the group.

“I’m back bitches!”

Everyone cheers at my stupidity.

“So Twi, what was it that you wanted to tell me?”

Twilight looks around the room nervously and stutters a few words. Fluttershy pats her on the back and Dash smiles at her.

“I’m pregnant!”

I’m stunned, my face is blank long enough that I start to see worry on everyponies faces but a smile soon escapes me.

“I'm a dad?”

“Mmmhmm!”

I crouch down to hug Twilight and kiss her.

“Twilight, that’s wonderful, there’s only one problem.”

The look on Twilight’s face is priceless.

“What is it?”

“I need a ring.”

I smile at Twilight and she smiles back.

“Twilight Sparkle,” I say. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes!”

Another cheer rises and I kiss my new fiancé.

God it’s good to be home.

Breakfast and accidental pedofillya
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Breakfast and accidental pedofillya

I lay in a brand new bed, one made to hold heavy Earth ponies but used to hold my fat ass instead, and cuddle with Twilight. I didn’t notice her belly right away when I was teleported back but I can tell now that she’s pretty far into her pregnancy, if she were a human she’d be in the third trimester for sure. I’m gonna be a dad again soon and ill actually get to be a dad this time.

I rub Twilight’s shoulder absentmindedly and she mumbles in her sleep. I smile at her and look back out the window at the evening sky. Since I’ve been here I’ve been telling time just as I would back on earth but I’m finding it harder to do now that I’ve been here so long, unlike Earth, Equestria has twelve hour days with six hours of day and night yearlong except during the equinox’s. In one Earth day here I sleep twice for about five hours, eat four large meals and two small ones, and go into town twice. I’m still getting used to it and my sleep schedule has adjusted but one thing still bugs me.

Thirteen months.

Thirty days in a month here, ten months in a year. I’ve been gone for almost a full Earth year and for over an Equestrian year. I’ve arrived just in time to see the end of spring and the beginning of summer.

I’ve missed Pinkie Pie’s wedding, Toby proposing to Rarity, Big Mac and Fluttershy forming a polygamous union with Caramel, Dash’s acceptance into the WonderBolts, and the apple seasons I had promised to help out with. Most importantly I missed about four hundred days of spending time with Twilight. With God as my witness I swear ill make up for all of the things I’ve missed, especially the last one.

I rub Twilight’s enormous belly (Don’t tell her I described it like that, I’ll have to take an hour out of my day to convince her that she’s not fat. Again.) and can’t help but get a bit hard. Her teats are filled with milk and are quite large. What can I say? I’m a titty guy and my new fiancé has six of them!

“Stop it boner.” I whisper under my breath as I force my mind and my hand away from the subject of my affection.

“What was that?” Twilight asks groggily, I have no idea how she heard that.

“Nothing dear,” I lie. “Celly’s sun will be up soon, would you like me to start breakfast?”

“Yes please,” She replies while nuzzling my bare chest. “Hash browns sound great, and would you please stop calling the princess by that disrespectful nickname.”

“Never!” I whisper with gusto as I hop out of bed and leave Twilight with a kiss. Down stairs I find Spike helping Dinky find a book.

“A little early to be getting books isn’t it?”

“That’s what I told her,” Spike gripes. “But she insisted that she needed this darn book so I let her in, only now neither of us can find it!”

“I think I can help, what book do you need Dinkie?”

“A foal’s guide to magic and Advanced calculus for beginners.” She says casually, as if all little kids read college level books for fun.

“OK…” I walk over to a card catalogue and skim through it. “The first one is over there,” I take the opportunity to test my magic and levitate it over. “And the second one is over here,” I snap my fingers and teleport this one into my hand. “But before I give you this I want to know what you’re using it for. I can’t just give foals the knowledge to create atom bombs or anything without at least first knowing what they plan.”

“Why do you want to know something like that?” She asks confused.

“So I can build a fallout shelter beforehand.” I say.

“Oh, in that case I’ll tell you.” she pauses.

“Yes.” I say a bit impatiently.

Dinkie looks left and the right and then motions for me to lean down to her.

“I got my cutie mark last month.” She whispers into my ear.

“Really? I ask. “You’re flank still looks blank to me.”

Dinkie wiggles her legs a bit and I see a spell shimmer and fade, on the spot of fur it covered is a mathematical equation. E = mc2.

“I got this after reading a newspaper article about something called electricity and thinking about how it could go through metal but maybe not rubber. The problem is I don’t know what it means and I don’t want everyone to see my cutie mark and ask about it when I don’t know. So I’ve been reading all the books I could get to try and find out about it. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about it would you Mr. Lafayette?”

“Actually, I do. E = mc2, energy equals mass times the speed of light squared, times itself I mean, its physics.”

“Wut?” Spike, Dinkie, and Twilight, who I hadn’t noticed entering the room, say at once.

“Physics, you know, the study of matter and energy. All that fun sciency shit. Here, take these books with you Dinkie.” I summon several beginners’ textbooks from earth about the subject along with all of the math she would need to understand it. “Read through these, if your talent is physics it should be a cake walk, OK?”

“Ok.” She says and begins to struggle with her magic to get the books into her saddle bag.

“Here, lemme help you.” I tap the tip of her horn with my left index finger, a bright spark jumps from me to her. She gasps and throws the books across the room with her newfound magical abilities.

“Thanks!” She yells to us as she picks the books up in her telekinetic grasp and trots out of the library. I turn to Spike and Twilight.

“So what do you say we start breakfast?” I clap my hands together and grimace at the looks I’m getting.

“What? What did I do?” Spike turns tail without speaking and walks into the kitchen to prepare some food, Twilight just stares at me.

“You… you just molested Dinkie!”

“Wut?” Oh Jesus, what the fuck did I just do?

“You touched her horn! You sent your magic into her, that’s like the most intimate thing two unicorns can do! We’ve never even done it and we’re about to get married!”

“Well shit. Wait a second here, Celly did the same to me…” I shudder a bit at the Molestia memories. “Well maybe that’s not the best example. But all I did was jump start her natural abilities, and she didn’t seem upset about it at all.”

“That’s because she’s a filly, a little foal. When she grows up and learns just how private such contact is she’ll remember this and feel violated.”

“No she won’t.”

“What are you talking about? Of course she will remember…”

“NO Twilight, she won’t. I just erased her memory of the touch; she’ll keep her magic and be none the wiser. I would have never done something like that had I known. I’m sorry.”

“You did WHAT!??!”

“I erased her memory.”

“That…why… how could you even… do you KNOW what you’ve done?”

“Evidently not.”

“You…You…You!!”

“Twilight,” I snap my fingers.

“Uhhh… yes, what is it?”

“What were we just talking about?”

“Um… Getting some hash browns for breakfast?”

“Ok, I’ll cook.”

I walk into the kitchen where Spike is frying a couple eggs, apparently they’re OK to eat, and Twilight follows me. I start cooking the potatoes as she pours herself a glass of milk and Spike serves the eggs.

“So what’s the game plan for today?” I ask from the stove.

“The what?” Twilight questions.

“What I mean is what are we gonna do today?”

“Well I have a doctor’s appointment at noon, we’ll find out if it’s a colt or filly. Would you like to come with me?”

“Of course I would Twilight, it is my kid after all, and I really want to spend some time with you, I haven’t seen you in a year you know.” I wink at her and flip the food.

“I know, I really missed you. But at least you’re back now. Oh Pinkie wants you to come over to Sugarcube Corner later, will you?”

“Sure.”

I turn the stove off and give Twilight a generous helping of pan fried potato. I sit down between Spike and her and dig into my food as I turn a few thoughts around inside my head.

Touching a horn is that intimate huh? I guess I know what I’m doing tonight. Also I can’t believe I just Jedi mind tricked Twilight, that I completely erased her memory. That little trick may just came in handy, but I better not use it too often.

Twilight and I clean our plates and decide to go see Pinkie Pie, it’s the least I can do after missing her wedding. We bid our goodbyes to Spike and head out into the scorching morning heat.

At least it’s not the fucking moon.

Over the woods and through the river to Pinkie's house we go!
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Over the woods and through the river to Pinkie's house we go!

Remember that thick skin Twilight gave me? Well it works great for keeping me hydrated and alive in this hundred and forty degree heat but it’s ass when it comes to keeping me feeling cool. I won’t die but Goddamn it feels like it.

“Hey Twi,” I say as we walk through town to Pinkie’s new house.

“Mmmhmm?” she replies without looking up.

“Is there any chance you could mod my skin a bit more?”

“Sure, what do you need?”

“Well it’s working just fine keeping me alive but I still feel miserable in this heat, it’s even worse now than it was before I… last spring I mean. Do you think you could alter it so I won’t feel the heat anymore?”

“Hmm, I don’t know, I’ve never tried anything like it before and other than the first spell I used on you I’ve never actually changed someponie’s physical structure. But now that you have magic you might be able to do something.”

“Yeah, maybe I can, but how?”

“You said that you could do things by just thinking and willing them to be done, right?”

“Yep.”

“Well then just imagine that the heat doesn’t affect you, or maybe that your skin can take it.”

“Ok, here goes nothing... AHHH GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT-SONSOFBITCHES-COCKSUCKER!!!!” I drop down to a knee and swear incoherently for a moment more. Every scar on my body blazes hazel green and tears open again, each new wound lengthens out and connects to others in a spider web of blood and magical aura. I scream loudly as the criss crossing lines stretch and cover all of my exposed flesh, beneath my clothes I feel the same thing happening too. The glow dies down and the pain and bleeding stop, my skin is redder than a ripe tomato and peeling.

“Did it work?!? Oh sweet Celestia! I mean are you OK Lafayette?” Twilight looks terrified, concerned, and most of all intrigued at the scientific results of my attempted self alteration. I look at her and smile.

“I can’t feel the heat anymore so I guess it worked.” I stand up and pat her on the head. “My sweet little scientist, searching for data first and checking to see if I’m even alive afterwards.” I chuckle and start walking towards Sugarcube Corner. “Come on; let’s go see Pinkie and then head to the hospital for your appointment.” Twilight nods her head and follows me albeit at a much slower pace.

“Uh, I can’t wait to have this foal; it’s really hard carrying this extra weight around. So what did you think of to change your skin?”

“I thought of an air conditioner blowing on me, now I feel like cold air is wafting over my body from every angle, it’s really nice. I think I can adjust the intensity of it to. Maybe if I jus... MOTHERFUCKER!!”

“What’s wrong?”

“It really fucking hurts! Every time I use my magic on my body it forces all my nerves into hyper drive or some shit.”

“Why don’t you alter them first?”

I stop in my tracks and facepalm. “For a genius I’m an idiot, thanks babe.” I twitch for a second and sigh. “It worked.”

“What do you mean by genius, Lafayette?”

“Hmm, what’s was that? I didn’t quite catch it. Wait a sec.” I tug on my ear and feel magic flow into like cold milk spilling on my skin. “That’s better; I can actually hear you know, what did you ask?”

“I asked what you meant when you said genius; I’ve never heard that word before.”

“I guess it’s a human word, a genius is someone with an advanced ability to learn and do, the only real way to measure it is with an IQ test, 120 is very intelligent and either 140 or 180 is genius, I forget which. At eight years old, that’s about equal to the CMC mind you, I tested at 150, at twenty five I tested at 195. So technically, despite my poor memory and hatred of mathematics, I’m a genius. That’s part of how I got the gig I had at Harvard University.”

“Interesting, I wonder if I would be labeled as a genius.”

“Probably, and you’d definitely be called a polymath.”

“What is that?”

“Someone with many talents that they have mastered, somepony who’s a doctor of medicine, science, and magic, a lawyer, an accountant, and a town organizer would surely qualify as one.”

Twilight blushes heavily. “Thanks. It’s nothing really though, I’ve been learning about that kind of stuff since I started reading. By the way, what was that Harvard place you spoke of?”

“Harvard University?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“It’s an Ivy League school, one of the fanciest, best, and most expensive institutions for higher learning in the US. I was a language professor there, I taught English, Latin, Greek, and Italian.”

“Wow,” Twilight looks in awe. “You know four completely different languages? Most ponies only know one, very few know two and besides the princesses I’m the only one I know of that can speak three!”

“Actually I speak even more than that. I can speak Russian, Spanish, French, and Klingon fluently; I also know a good deal of Portuguese, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Quenya, and Sindarin.” I stop when I realize that Twilight is no longer walking along beside me. I turn around and see her gawking at me, her jaw hanging lower than I would think possible and her eyes wide. She’s speechless. “Impressed?” I ask her, she nods.

“I don’t think anything anypony’s ever told me before has turned me on as much as what you just said! Thirteen languages, you really are a genius! ” She fidgets her hind legs a bit proving her statement.

“Just you wait till tonight then, I’ll only speak in Italian or maybe French… no fuck that, I’ll speak in Latin. Latin is my personal favorite.” Twilight bites her bottom lip and squees quietly. “Have I ever told you how much I love that sound?” I laugh and pat her head a bit, just barely nudging the base of her horn. She squees again and whimpers. “Come on now, let’s get to Pinkie’s place, we’ll work on language lessons later. Now are we going to Sugarcube Corner or Pinkie’s house?”

“Uhh, Pinkie’s house.” Twilight mumbles, still distracted from my teasing.

“Well then, lead the way!”

Frazzle Pie
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Frazzle Pie

After another half hour of searching for Pinkie’s new house and teasing Twilight with bits of French, Latin, and Klingon we finally find the Pie residence.

“Damn.” I look at Twilight who nods and then back to the house. The witch in Hansel and Gretel would be green with envy if she saw this candy coated, frosting filled, gumdrop decorated, and so-good-you-could-break-a-tooth-trying-to-take-a-bite abode. Damn that was a lot of stupid descriptive shit in one sentence. Anyway the place looked like Pinkie had dropped a gallon of acid and PCP then decided to bake a life size gingerbread shrine to fudge and diabetes. Speaking of diabetes I can feel my blood sugar rising by just looking at this epic monstrosity of delectable pastries and various dessert foodstuffs.

I knock and a slightly less energetic than usual Pinkie opens the door. Bags hang from under both of her eyes, her mane isn’t as puffy as it used to be, there are a dozen or so green curlers in it trying to restore her natural poof but failing miserably, and I can tell that she has put on some weight. The worst thing though is her lips, instead of the ever present smile I remember I actually see a *Gasp!* frown!

“Hey Diane, why so down?” I ask. Pinkie looks up at me and doesn’t say anything, maybe she’s so tired that my words are still processing in her mind.

“Pinkie, are you alright?” Twilight asks from beside me.

“Huh? Oh, OH! It’s you guys! I wasn’t expecting you until later. Sorry I’m just real worn out; the foals take up so much time and energy. I thought taking care of the cakes kids was bad but now I know what hel… BUTTERSCOTCH! Stop hitting your sister! And Sprinkles, you had better stop trying to set the kitchen on fire. Oh sweet Celestia, PUT THE KNIVES DOWN NOW, JOEY!” Pinkie screams into the house and then turns back to us, an exasperated smile clings to her muzzle as if it’s terrified it might fall any moment. “Please, come on in.” Pinkie forces a cheery attitude but I can tell just how stressed she is.

We enter the disaster zone, er, I mean house, and see toys littering the ground and four young foals scattered around the living room. A filly with her mother’s hair and her father’s coat is swinging at a brunette filly with long pink curls who is bawling and screaming at the top of her lungs, Sprinkles, I assume, walks out of the kitchen carrying a tray of burning cupcakes, a spitting image of Joe, only smaller, is running in circles with a knife tray balanced on his back, and a light gold colt with orangeish hair and a square jar sits quietly in a corner drawing on the wall with crayons. Hmm, that color scheme seems vaguely familiar. My thoughts are interrupted by Pinkie shouting again.

“PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, WILL YOU FOALS BEHAVE FOR JUST ONE HOUR!?!” Pinkie gulps air and chokes back a sob, the children all look at her and then go right back to misbehaving.

“Pinkie,” I say. “I’ve got this.” I take a deep breath and jump into drill sergeant mode,

“LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE HEATHENS,” All eyes are on me, all acts of destruction cease for a moment. “NONE OF YOU KNOW ME BUT YOUR MOTHER DOES,” I return to a quieter, but still strict and firm voice. “I am your uncle Lafe, now i expect you to start behaving right now.”

The five foals look at me and laugh. The little shits actually have the balls to laugh at me. Oh it’s on now bitches.

I pull my pistol from my holster and fire twice at the ground, the foals freeze.

“I don’t know who you think I am, but let me tell you this, I’m someone to listen to and obey, GOT IT?! Now I EXPECT you children to start behaving for your mother. If you don’t I’m sure she would LOVE for me to come over and babysit you all. Now what would you rather have happen, behave for your parents or be watched by ME?”

The foals cower a bit and one brave, or maybe stupid, soul stands up and speaks.

“We’ll behave, we swear, don’t we guys?” the other four foals nod vigorously and start to clean their messes up.

“Good, now you mother needs to talk with me so we’ll be in the other room, so behave.” Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and I walk into the kitchen. “Oh, one more thing,” I poke my head out of the kitchen door. “If I hear about any of you misbehaving after this I WILL come over. Understand?” five foals nod once more. “Good, now go play nice.”

I rejoin Twi and Pinkie at the kitchen, they’re both snickering and Pinkie’s mane looks back to normal.

“Thanks, they needed a firm talking too.” Says Pinkie.

“No problem, so what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

“I dunno.” For a full minute Twi and I both just stare at Pinkie, somehow exactly at the sixty second mark, she bursts into a fit of giggles.

“I’m so darn stressed I completely forgot what I wanted to tell you!” she laughs even harder. “Well thanks for stopping by anyway, maybe I’ll remember later. Oh, want a cupcake?”

We graciously accept the pastries and leave. Its about eleven thirty so we head in the direction of the Ponyville hospital for Twilights appointment with her OB-GYN.

“We’ll get to see if it’s a colt or a filly today, isn’t that great?!”

I smile and agree, it really is going to be great.

Dr. Whooves, PHD
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Dr. Whooves, PHD

Warning: Sad.

Five blocks away from Pinkie’s new house it hits me.

“Twilight,”

“Yes dear?”

“You’re one of the most powerful Unicorns in Equestria, I have the ability to do just about anything, and I have a truck. Why the fuck are we walking?”

Twilight looks up at me and shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know, you tell me mister genius.” I grin at her and snap my fingers.

“SHIT!!!”

Note to self: don’t summon things above where someone is standing. Especially when that someone is you.

“Oh my gosh! Lafayette, are you alright?” Twilight shouts at me from beside the truck.

“No…please…move…this…goddamn…truck…off…of...me…I…can’t…fucking…breath…DAMMIT… HOT… MUFFLER!”

“OK, OK, I got this, just stay still and ughh!”

I feel the truck move off of me and to the middle of the road. Twilights ceases her spell and the apple picker slumps onto the dirt path.

“Oh my gosh, are you OK?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” I stand up and dust myself off. “Hop in Twi, we’re driving the rest of the way.”

“OK,” She says as she opens the door and eases herself into the passenger seat. “Are you sure that you’re OK?”

“Twi, I’m fine,” I pull a Duke boys hood slide to prove my words. “I’ve been shot, stabbed, blown up, swarmed by buggers, sent to the moon, oh and don’t forget falling ten miles to Equestria!” I settle down behind the wheel and strap myself in. “You can’t get rid of me with something as minuscule as dropping a truck on my head.” Twilight giggles and I smirk at my stubbornness. I turn the key, rev the engine, and we gun it through town towards Ponyville hospital.

In another five minutes we pull up in front of the hospital, we head in and are told to sit down and relax while we wait. The ER is almost empty so we flop down on a padded bench and talk about our plans.

“So Lafe, when are we going to get married? We don’t even have the rings yet and I’ve got this little feller here.” Twi points at her belly which I rub softly.

“I’m going to Canterlot tomorrow to get the rings; Rarity said she would take me to a friend of hers who’s a jeweler. And I was actually going to wait until after this guy,” I smile as I feel my new child kick my hand. “After this guy is out and about. Is that OK?”

“Yes, that’s just fine, maybe after that I’ll be able to fit into my mother’s wedding dress, would you like that?”

“Sure, Twi. Just one thing, I still haven’t met your parents… I’m kinda afraid that they’ll be pissed at me for knocking up their daughter, ditching her, and just now proposing.”

“Don’t worry, I told them all about you while you were gone. They’re not mad in the least, in fact they’re really happy that you are back and that you did propose.” Twilight smiles softly. “So I wanted to ask, would you mind if I had, um, five maids of honor?” She laughs halfheartedly, as though she thought it was a stupid question.

“No, that’s just fine. I figure ill have Big Mac and Toby as my groomsmen, er, groomsponies I guess. Maybe Shining too.”

“OK, I’m just glad you’re alright with that, I don’t think I could pick just one of them.” I kiss Twilight on the nose and chuckle.

“I’m alright with whatever makes you happy Twi.”

“Really?” Oh good God, what have I done? The look on Twilight’s face makes my blunder apparent.

“Be gentle,” I whisper into her ear. “Oh, and please use some lube this time around. My ass is still sore.” Twilight bursts out laughing as a familiar white mare with a red cross walks out and summons us.

“I’m ready for you now, deary.”

Twilight and I get up and follow the mare into a private room. I help Twi onto the examination table and then sit down on another padded sofa.

“Good to see you again dear, how have you been feeling?” The nurse pulls out a pad of paper and starts scribbling things down as she takes Twi’s temperature, pulse and weight.

“Pretty good, Lafayette’s back so I’m not nearly as stressed out as I was earlier.”

“Ah, so this is the father?” The nurse looks me over and grunts a bit. “Well he’s not much of a looker but I guess he’ll do.” She extends a hoof which I shake and then introduces herself. “Nurse Redheart, OB-GYN and NP.”

“Wait, if you’re an OB-GYN shouldn’t we call you Doctor?” I ask curiously.

She snorts. “My husband is Dr. Redheart and I’m just fine being called Nurse. Anyway, Dr. Whooves will be here shortly to cast the spell that will allow us to see the foals.” A knock at the door causes us to all turn. “Ah, here he is.” A skinny brown stallion with scraggly hair matching his fur and a time piece mark enters the room.

“Hello, everypony, how are we today?” he walks in and looks at the notes Nurse Redheart had written.

“Just fine.” Replies Twilight.

“Well let’s go ahead and get this done, are we ready?”

“Yes.” Says Twi.

“Ready as ill ever be.” Says I.

Nurse Redheart scoots back as Dr. Whooves (I guess he really is a Dr. just not the twelfth one.) fiddles with a small device. After a minute of beeping a beam of light covers Twilight’s stomach and another beam projects onto the wall.

We can see not one but two little shapes on the screen.

“Twins!” Proclaims and excited Twilight. I just smile and look. My smile fades a bit as I do so.

On the left is a perfectly developing colt, on the right is…

A tear falls from my eye as the other three ponies in the room gasp. I hear Twilight stutter.

On the right is a horrible deformed foal, his spine is twisted and his legs are bent. Worst of all his skull seems to have caved in on itself.

I begin to weep as I gaze at the dying figure of my third child.

First Dulcie, who I only knew for a few months before I died, and now this fetus, who I may never even see alive.

I lean over and cover my face with my hands. In the back of my mind I hear his voice. I hear Jeff.

‘You shouldn’t have done that. You knew I’d get my revenge. Was it worth it Brendon? Is the life of you son worth getting rid of me?’

I dig my thumbs into my eyes a bit and cry.

This is all my fault.

Jeffery & Dulcie
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Jeffery & Dulcie

I rock back and forth slowly on the bench with my face in my hands and tears in my eyes.

‘Jeff, why would you do this? Haven’t I suffered enough for you? All those years of cutting and searing my flesh, all of the times I slit my wrists or bashed my head into a wall, I always did whatever you told me to do, even when after the accident I listened to you. Why now, why do you still feel compelled to torture me?’

I struggle to breathe as I dig my thumbs deeper into my eyes. Maybe, just maybe, if I hurt myself some more he’ll stop doing this to me. I feel the pressure on my left eye increase and then stop. I nearly bite my tongue in half as I suppress the urge to scream at the pain. Blood and tears mingle on my cheek but I pay it no mind.

‘Please Jeff, please…’

A voice, not Jeff’s but from a similar location and speaker, arises in my mind.

‘Look up Lafe, look up at your baby boy and smile. Jeff may try to hurt you but you know all I ever do is protect you. Now look up.’ The voice is calm and soft, I think of Twilight’s soft fur as the voice’s words echo throughout my mind.

‘Well you’ve done a shit job protecting me lately.’ I gasp for air and start tearing into my right eye just as I had done to my left, if nothing else I wouldn’t be able to see the picture of my son ever again.

‘I think I’ve done quite well, Lafe.’ The voice nags at me and forces my attention to turn away from my attempts at blinding myself and to her instead. ‘God told me to watch over you, he gave me the power to save you from the convoy ambush you know. Since then I saved you from death a half dozen times or so.’

‘Really? When?”

‘Oh there was that nasty fall, remember stupid blue ‘bird’ that called to you while you fell?’ she doesn’t wait for an answer. ‘I happen to have blue wings, catch my drift? All those days before Twily modified your skin, I kept you from cooking alive. I won’t even get started on the Zerg rush, er, I mean Changeling attack, the year on the moon without food, water, or air, but I will mention the mortal wounds I cleaned up for you with Tia’s rogue magic. So yes, I have been watching out for your ass, now trust me when I say look up!’

Dulcie’s voice drifts away and I think back to my last life. There was a reason I named my baby girl after this punker angel, it was because she had saved my sorry hide more times than I care to recall. I drop my hands into my lap and clasp them together tightly. I look up. I can only see out of one eye but that’s more than enough to view the screen. What I see on the screen astonishes me.

“Jeffery, you son of a bitch.” I mutter as I begin to laugh and cry at the same time. Twilight, Nurse Redheart, and Dr. Whooves all look over to me.

“Lafe, why are you laughing? This is serious, our baby’s in trouble! Just look at him.” Twi fights to hold back tears as she speaks. I laugh again, louder this time, and stand up.

“Our baby is just fine,” I assure her. “It’s Developing just as it should be for…”

“Sir, I’m afraid the shock of this is getting to you, your son is most certainly not developing correctly. I fear he will not even make it to the expected time of birth.” The Doctor's British accent does little to calm or persuade me.

“Doc,” I say.

“Yes?” The brown quack replies.

“Shut the fuck up. What I was trying to say is that our son is growing just as a human child should, what you all have mistaken for maladies and deformations are actually perfectly normal body structure for a baby at the end of the third trimester of pregnancy. He will be just fine.”

“Lafayette,” Twilight sobs. “You’re grasping at straws! He’s not a human, he couldn’t possibly be one!”

“Twilight,” I say calmly. “Look at the screen again.” She looks. “Look at his ‘hooves’.” She does. “What do you see?”

“Digits.”

“And what do they remind you of?”

“Fingers.”

“Do ponies have finger?”

“No, but humans do!”

I embrace the mother of my children, my new colt and baby boy, and laugh. Dr. Whooves and Nurse Redheart sigh and congratulate us on the well being of our new foal and baby.

“In that case I apologize for my earlier misconception,” The good Doctor shuffles his legs awkwardly in front of him as he speaks. “Seeing as how everything seems normal we can expect Miss Twilight to give birth within a week, she will know when it is approaching and be able to arrive here with plenty of time to spare. Until then you two can go home and prepare. I have to be off now, good day and Allons-y!”

“Wait, what did he just say?” I turn to confront the stallion but he is already gone. “I knew he looked familiar.”

Twilight and I drive back to the library to spend the rest of the evening resting together. Once inside our plans of a quiet evening are thrown out the window, all of our friends and some of Twilights family are here to celebrate with us. Twilight lies down on a sofa while I greet Shining and his wife and Orion and Dazzle, Twilight and Shining’s parents. Fortunately they are very happy about my engagement to their daughter and about their future grandfoals. I tell them about the colt and boy and while they seem shocked they also are happy as can be.

I raise a glass and announce the good, yet odd, news to everypony in the room. They all cheer and congratulate us. For an hour more we chat idly with all of our friends, the only notable conversation being with princess Cadance when she noticed my sidearm and invited me to her laboratory to examine her work. I agree and return to discussing the wedding plans with Twilight and her family.

As dusk approaches ponies start to leave, Twi’s parents are the last to go. I get a kiss on the cheek from her mother and a jovial punch to the shoulder by her father. I also get called ‘son’ by them both, I can’t remember the last time I had a parent call me their son or even treat me like they liked me. I tear up a bit as they walk out to an awaiting carriage. Wait a second, I’m crying from both eyes now. What the fuck? I touch my left eye and feel it whole and unscathed.

“Thank you Dulcie.” I mumble under my breath.

Twilight and I prepare for bed and are just heading upstairs when a knock at the door stops us.

“Go on up Twi, I’ll see who it is.”

Twilight continues up to her room while I walk over to the door. I open it and look out at our visitor.

“Why hello Celly, would you like to come in?”

Philosophical bullshit
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Philosophical bullshit

“Why hello Celly, would you like to come in?”

I open the door wide and let the sun goddess into the main room of the library.

“Who’s here?” Twilight shouts from upstairs.

“Nobody,” I reply. “I’ll be up soon.”

“OK, well I’m going to lie down. Don’t take too long.”

“Sure thing Twi.”

I point out a couch to Celestia and we both take a seat, though she’s not in public I notice that her full regalia still adorns her alabaster body. Vein much?

“So you believe the princess of the land to be a ‘nobody’?”

“It’s not that, I just didn’t want Twilight coming down here. I figured that you and I need to have a talk and I’d rather not have her here with us. I’m sure you feel the same way Molestia.”

Celly glares at me, if looks could kill I’d be fucked right now.

“NEVER call me by that name again.” Her face is grim as she scolds me.

“Sorry princess, would you rather be called Trollestia? Tyrant Celestia? Oh, how about Soulless Sun?”

“Stop this now!”

I smile and lean into the back of the couch.

“The thing you may not know Celly is that we are quite alike. See I’ve been in your mind, I’ve seen your thoughts, I know you better than you even know yourself.”

“Whatever do you mean by that?”

“I saw why you felt those emotions, why you thought those things. Remember your injured wing from awhile back when I first returned?”

“Yes, it felt as though someone had dislocated it and forced it back into its socket. I still have no idea how it happened.”

“Well I do. I know how it happened because I did it."

“How can that be?!”

“That I’m not quite sure about, I know that after I found my magic, your lost magic I should say, on the moon I decided to go home. Next thing I know Jeffery is telling me to kill you so I head down to Canterlot and confront you. While there I beat you, broke both of your wings, killed Twilight, and then broke your neck.” Celestia shudders at my story. “I freaked out and threw Jeff away. I held Twilight and fell asleep. When I woke I was back on the moon. I still wanted to go home so I did; only problem was that I went to my old home. I saw my daughter and my wife and then I came back here. Well you were there for that.”

“Wait, who is this Jeffery person.” Tia questions me. I sigh and hold my hand out, after a moment Jeff appears in my grasp.

“Jeffery is the name I gave to my apple harvesting hammer; it is also the name of a demon in my mind. He houses all the anger, hate, aggression, and insanity in my mind. He makes my look at everything and think of a way to destroy it, he makes me eviscerate myself just to amuse him, one a few occasions he has made me kill others for him too.” I steady my ragged breathing and continue.

“I named the hammer after him in an attempt to please him and in hopes that I could wrench him from my psyche and store him into the tool. It worked well until you banished me; your magic seeped into my body and then when I summoned Jeff it seeped into him. We’re bonded both mentally and magically now. I forced him out of my mind but he can still fuck with me, just this afternoon he tricked me into seeing my son as a deformed, dying fetus rather than the healthy human baby he is. Dulcie finally started to help me again today; she cleared the hallucination away and cut away part of the bond. But he’s still there; even if he leaves I think a part of him will always be in me.” I sigh and rub my left eye without thinking.

“I understand,” says Celestia. “Soulless Sun is much the same for me, everyday he tells me to bring the sun in just a bit closer. Closer and closer every day until all but my sister, my niece, and I die from the heat. Every day I have to fight to keep my sun far enough away to protect my little ponies. On more than a few days I’ve let it drop dangerously close. So who is this Dulcie then?”

“Dulcie is an angel, a punk rock one at that, who has guided me since my youth, since Jeffery hijacked my mind. She means so much to me that I even named my fist born daughter after her. She guides me whenever I need it and usually whispers good things into one ear whenever Jeff is muttering evil things in the other. ‘Kill them, rape them, burn the alive and feast on their flesh’ he says to me, ‘Love them, embrace them, and give them hope’ she argues. It’s easy to ignore the devil when God is feeding you hints on where to go and what to do; lately she hasn’t been speaking to me so it becomes much harder not to fall in line with what Jeff would have me do. Even at this moment I hear them going at it, Jeff is saying I should tear your wings off and break your horn for what you’ve done to me, Dulcie is telling him to suck a dick and telling me to just hug you and forgive you now.”

My newly restored eye twitches for a few seconds and I smile at the ground. “I think I know which voice I want to listen to at the moment.”

I lean over towards Tia who looks frightened out of her mind. I wrap my hands around her through and whisper to her as a squeeze.

“I forgive you, can you forgive me?”

My grip loosens and my arms slide down to her shoulders and sit there lightly. I burry my teary eyes into her neck as I embrace her and wait for a reply.

“Yes, I forgive you Lafayette; I only hope you can do the same for me. After all I have taken a year from your life and from your time with Twilight.”

I let go of her creamy white body and slump back into the down cushioning of the bench. “So long as you stop fantasizing about fucking my fiancé we’ll be good.” Celly’s pale cheeks flush bright red and her wings unfold from her back, I laugh heartily. “That Molestia personality’s a bitch isn’t it?” She nods and tries to keep her wings in check.

“I do apologize for that, but you must understand that for nearly a decade Twilight was the only one besides my sister and Discord that I actually spent any quality time with. It was only natural that I grew fond of her. I will admit that I may have grown overly fond though.” She blushes again and giggles a bit.

“So I have to ask, were you and Discord…?” She dips her head down and mumbles something. “What was that?”

“Yes, yes we were lovers.”

“And half siblings, how kinky. By the way how the hell did that even happen?”

“My father had an odd fetish, many of them actually, involving dragons. Thinking back now I do believe the Molestia side of me was from my father. One day he brought Discord home to meet me and we became best friends and later lovers. It was not until after Discord went mad from the chaos in his soul that I learned of our relationship. None other than I and now you know it but my ‘nephew’ prince Blueblood and ‘niece’ princess Cadance are actually Discord’s and my children.

“Aw, well that explains … actually that explains very little but whatever. So I take it that Trollestia is some kind of practical joker and Tyrant is well a tyrant.”

“Yes, Trollestia developed from years of being with Discord and helping him spread a bit of harmless, fun chaos. Tyrant Celestia grew from the first century alone while Luna was banished. I grew violent and strict, thankfully discord returned to sanity long enough to comfort me and help me back to normal. When his mind went once more I brought Luna, at the time Nightmare Moon, back to Equestria and enlisted the elements of harmony, Twilight and her five close friends, to cure her of the voices controlling her.” Celestia seems depressed by the memory of this event.

“So I guess several of us have a few otherworldly personalities stuck in our minds that guide use, whether towards righteousness or evil.”

“I guess so.”

We sit awkwardly for a minute without either of us speaking, finally not being able to stand the tense silence a moment longer I shatter it with a question that had been gnawing at the back of my mind.

“So what happened between the hive queen of the changelings and you anyway?”

“Hmm?” Celestia looks up at me and blinks slowly. “Oh Chrysalis you mean. During Cadance’s wedding to Captain Armor she tried to infiltrate Equestria and siphon off all my subjects emotion. I tried to fight her but was defeated. After Cadance and Captain Armor sent her off by utilizing their love to over stimulate her and the Changelings I found her and got my revenge. Soulless Sun took over a bit there. And Molestia helped out. Oh that was a fun night.” We both guffaw at the absolutely apparent insanity of enjoying such an act. “Anyway after I … ‘dealt’ with her the Changelings began to bow to me. Now I am the Hivequeen, I oversee all of the hives actions and also get to mate with the breeders to produce new drones and warriors.” She winks at me. “That’s my favorite part!” We both laugh again and I pat her on the shoulder.

“I’m sure it is.”

We laugh and joke for a few more minutes until the conversation steers towards the upcoming wedding.

“If you would like,” Celestia begins to offer. “I would be more than willing to have it at the castle and preside over the ceremonies just as I did for Twilight’s brother.”

“I would like that but I was actually hoping I could find a priest. I would love to have a Catholic wedding and get my children baptized.” Celestia stares at me blankly.

“You’re Catholic?”

“Yes.”

“How… odd.”

“Why is that?”

“Most ponies are Catholic, myself included.” Now it’s my turn to stare blankly.

“Catholic, as in one God in three forms, Father, son, and holy spirit, who created all and allows the good into heaven and punishes the sinners with hell. That Catholicism, I mean we’re talking about the same thing right?”

“Yes, with a few differences of course, the good Lord, Shepherd and Creator, made my mother and father and gave them free roam over Equestria. He gave them the power to create whatever the wished. They made the Alicorn forms and then the three races of ponies, after that the made Dragons, Griffons, and countless other animals. Long after Luna and I were born the Lord asked them to run Caelopolus, a heavenly place were all go after their life is over. All sins are forgiven and all pains eased there. But essentially the two religions are the same I think, do you agree?”

“Yes, they are remarkably similar, too much so to possibly be a coincidence. I have another question for you then; a while ago I ate with the Apple family and at one point we discussed religion. Applebloom seemed not to know anything about it and Applejack got upset and angry when I talked about it. Any clue why?”

Celestia takes a long breathe and sighs deeply. “Some ponies feel that a God who they can’t see, hear, or directly communicate with can’t be real, but that two semi-divine sisters with great magical powers are true goddesses. There are a great many, the Apple family included probably, who worship Luna and I as deities. I have tried to end the practice before and fully disagree with the belief but some just will not be swayed. It seems that every time I assure one group of my little ponies that I am neither immortal of godly I just cement it as fact in another group.” I pat her on the foreleg and try to reassure her.

“Back on earth we have many religions, I believe that the true God will accept all who are good people whether they actually believe in him or not. To believe is optional, to behave is much more important.” Celestia thanks me just as a rather annoyed Twilight calls down to see if I’m coming to bed soon.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have some language lessons to teach now.” I show Tia out and she stops me before I can head upstairs.

“Do I even want to know what these ‘language lessons’ are?”

“Nope,” I say with a smile. “But you may want to know that my tongue will get a good workout here soon.” Celly and I both laugh as I shut the door and head up to Twilight’s room.

“Ego Pedicabo vos in asinum mi Novum.” I whisper into Twilight’s ear as I rub one of her teats. I can hear her whimper in ecstasy. For a good hour I teach my beautiful bride to be about the various languages of my home world. All the while I keep stealing glimpses of a large white figure trying, and failing miserably, to stay out of view as she watches the lessons through a window.

“Iustum expectare Molestia, ego irrumabo vos!”

Author's note: The words don't translate perfectly so beware.

Pass out the cigars
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Pass out the cigars

“Clothes?”

“Check.”

“Toiletries?”

“Check.”

“Books?”

“All forty two of them, check.”

“Strap on?”

“Chec… wait, why the fuck are we bringing that?”

Twilight looks up from the suit case she’s packing and at me.

“The doctors are probably going to have me stay overnight and I don’t want to be bored.” She says matter-of-factly.

“I’m going to stay with you, between all of your books and my company you really think you’ll get bored?”

“Hmm, maybe. Or maybe I just wanted a little something extra to play with while we’re there.” She smiles and bats her eyelashes at me. I cave.

“Fine, fine, but pack this too.” I conjure up a small bottle of lube and hand it to a now blushing Twilight. “I’ve asked you half a dozen times to use this and you never have.”

“Sorry!” she giggles while tucking the bottle into the suitcase of our things. “Ready to go?”

“Eeyup, I’ll take this down to the truck.” I grab the suitcase and walk down to the library with Twilight at my side. After tossing our shit into the back seat I help Twilight into her seat. We wave goodbye to Spike, who will be watching over the library while we’re gone, and head off into town.

We get our own room in the hospital to stay in while we wait for Twilight to give birth. ‘Anytime in the next fifteen hours’ Nurse Redheart says. Several of our friends stop by to chat and wish us luck.

Rarity and Toby offer us a free meal at Cul Anes and whatever clothes the baby could possibly need. Pinkie, with five foals and a tired husband in tow, promises to throw the greatest birthday parties for us so long as we name her aunt to both of our children. Dash and AJ tell us they will baby/foalsit whenever we need a break (When I say Dash and AJ offer I mean AJ offered and Dash went along with it after a sharp jab to the flank from her marefriend). Mayor Mare shows up unexpectedly with a few (By a few a mean a pile of) papers for me to sign that will make me a permanent legal citizen of Equestria and also promote me to the honorary rank of Master Sergeant of the Royal Guard. While the title gives me almost no real power it does give me a position as ambassador for Earth to Equestria should the need arise for one and it also grants me permission to carry Human grade weapons. Just before the sun sets Big Mac and his partners walk in.
“Sup Mac?” I walk over and hug him. “How have you been ya big lug?”

“Purty good, all things considered. Harvest season sure was a pain without you to help, jus bout finished too late.” Mac smiles soberly.

“Hey, I’m real sorry about that. Tell you what; this year you an AJ take a break, I’ll clear all the trees for you guys.” Mac starts to refuse but I put a hand up to stop him. “I aint taking no as an answer, I promised I’d help you guys out and that’s exactly what I plan to do. Got it?”

“Eeyuup.”

Fluttershy is over talking to Twilight about the kids; Caramel is standing next to Mac and looking very awkward and uncomfortable. I walk over to him and hold my hand out to shake. “So you’re Caramel, nice to meet you.” He shakes my hand nervously and looks every direction except towards me.

“Carmel,” Mac says.

“Uh, yeah Mac?” Caramel looks over to him.

“Relax; Lafe here is a nice fella. No need to be so nervous around him.” Mac smiles and pats Caramel on the back. Evidently Mac’s words of approval are all it takes to calm his boyfriend down and get him to open up.

“S-sorry ’bout that, it’s just that some folks don’t take too kindly to us ’cause of the polygamy bit. Or maybe jus ’cause it’s two fellers and a filly together, I dunno but I don’t like ponies judging us for it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I say calmly. “I’m not one to judge, especially since I’m marrying a pony soon. I’d be one hell of a hypocrite to bash on gays or polygamy and then turn around and say being with Twilight is just fine.” I pat him on the back and give him a reassuring grin.

“Um…Lafayette, if it’s not too much of a bother, could I ask a favor of you? If that’s alright with you of course.”

I turn away from Mac and Caramel. “Sure Fluttershy You know you can ask me for anything. What do you need?”

“Well, um, Twilight asked if I would like to be the God… er,” She looks up at Big Mac’s unpleased expression.

“Guardianmother for your foal and baby, but I wanted to ask you first.”

“Godmother you mean?” I ask and Fluttershy nods yes.

“We prefer the other term, Guardianmother, instead. Is that alright?”

“Sure, I’d love to have you as… Guardianmother… of my kids. Hey do you mind if I use Godmother? It’s just what I’m used to.” Fluttershy looks at Mac who nods his head and sighs a bit.

“Yes, that’s fine. And thank you Lafayette, if you ever need a foalsitter or anything don’t hesitate to ask me.” She smiles softly and I rub her neck.

“Thanks Fluttershy, I really do appreciate it.”

The threesome makes to leave the hospital room but Big Mac stops short at the door. He turns and looks at me.
“One more thing before I go, princess Celestia,” He bows a little as he states her name. “Sent me a letter saying that a human baby would need milk longer than its mother could produce it. Our cows would gladly spare some of theirs for yur kin.”

I nod and thank him. “That would be wonderful Mac, in fact I could use some too, humans need the vitamins in milk to keep our bones healthy and strong.”

“Well we’ll be on our way then, see y’all later.” Big Mac, Fluttershy, and Caramel leave us alone again.

“So,” I begin. “We have a few hours before you’ll be ready, a private room, and oh, what’s this?” I point to the open suitcase. “Bored yet?” I ask.

“Mmm, maybe a little.” Twilight smirks and starts levitating things out of the luggage as I lock the door.

“Come here you, Momma’s gonna learn you a lesson.”

I smile.

“Kinky.”

Five hours, and one lesson not to be forgotten, later Twilight goes into labor. Nurse Redheart and an orderly deliver the colt without hassle but I have to step in and assist with the boy.

“He needs to come out headfirst,” I tell them as I stand elbow deep in Twilight trying to untangle my boy from his umbilical cord and pull him out. “If he doesn’t he won’t be able to breathe.” Twilight pushes and a slimy bundle of wailing joy slides out of her womb and into my arms. “I don’t think these stains will come out easily.” I mutter as I look at my now ruined Polo shirt.

The nurses rinse off both newborns and wrap them in cloth blankets. They give the foal to Twilight to hold and the boy to me.

“What will we name them, Lafe?” Twilight asks me.

“Hmm, how about I name this one,” I tilt my head to the squirming baby in my arms. “And you name that one.”

“OK. Oh, Nurse Redheart?”

“Yes deary?”

“Could you let my family in now, they’ve been waiting a while.”

“No problem dear.”

Nurse Redheart ushers Twilights mom, dad, brother, and sister in law into the delivery room while we discuss possible names.

“Thaddeus Storm Ryder, after my grandfather.”I tell Twi my idea and she grins.

“I like it, wait a second, why the Ryder at the end?”

My soon to be in-laws walk up as I explain.

“On Earth children take the father’s last name, so do wives. If you’re OK with it after we’re married you will be Twilight Sparkle Ryder.” Twilight looks over to her father.

“Daddy, would you be OK with that? I know you named me, I wouldn’t want to upset you by changing it.”

“It sounds lovely; if that’s what you want its fine by me.”

I kneel down and let Dazzle and Orion see their new grandson.

“Thaddeus Storm,” Dazzle quotes. “How unique.” She smiles as I let her hold him.

“Be careful,” I warn. “His bones are very brittle at the moment; they won’t grow strong until he is a year old or so.” Dazzle nuzzles Thaddeus and promises to be cautious.

I feel a hoof on my back and turn to see Shining.

“Welcome to the family, bro.” He says warmly. I get a bro hug from him and then a full hug from Cadance.

“Now I’ll have a sister and a brother!” she Proclaims.

“Starlight!”

I look over at Twilight. “What was that Twi?”

“Starlight, we’ll call him Starlight Bright.”

I look down at the unicorn colt for the first time and see that the name fits him to a tee. He is black all over with pinpoints of white across his entire body, white fetlocks, and a splotch of the same color on his muzzle.

“Thaddeus Storm Ryder and Starlight Bright Ryder. Has a nice ring to it.” I trade off with Twilight and hold Starlight in the crook of my elbow.

We all sit down and pass the newborns around until everypony in the room has held both. We talk about the wedding and Celestia’s offer to be MC. Turns out that Twilights family is Catholic and they want a priest as well. Orion mentions a friend of his who lives in Ponyville, a Father Waddle. We decide to ask him to perform the ceremony alongside Celly. I make fun of Captain Armor for a bit since I now technically outrank him and he calls me a ‘hairless, headless, harmless ape’ we both laugh and slap each other on the back. Twilight asks about getting our own house and moving out of the library, I say I’ll build it with my own two hands. They all laugh at this but they fail to see how serious I am, I plan to construct my own home for my family. We settle down and chat about unimportant events; family members, housing plans for parti…

“PARTIES!!!”

Pinkie Pie jumps into the room and starts signing happy birthday to our kids. She’s covered in balloons and streamers, the bags under her eyes are gone and a mile wide smile once again covers her face. None of us van help but giggle and chuckle as Pinkie dances and sings.

Pinkie ditches us to fix supper for her family, Twilight’s parents and siblings leave for home, and our babies lay fast asleep in a crib next to our bed. Twilight has to stay overnight but at least they gave us a large bed. I pull the sheets over our bodies and Twilight snuggles up against me.

“I love you.” she says.

“I love you too.” I reply.

With a quick but passionate kiss and one last glance at our new family members we both doze off into a deep, satisfied slumber.

Half way through the night a wake up drenched in sweat and shivering in fear.

“Oh God,” I mutter. “Diapers, dirty diapers everywhere!”

I fall back onto the bed and into sleep once more.

Twilight can deal with that mess.

1 year in the future and still no hovercraft
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

1 year in the future and still no hovercraft

I sit at Twilights desk and work the math out in my head.

A human hits puberty at 15 we’ll say, at about 21 their full body finishes development, at around 90 they die. A pony lives to 200 years on average; they mature in their late 20’s and finish growing in their late40’s. Twilight is 32 now, equivalent to an 18 year old human, and I’m pushing 30 now.

I chew on the end of my recently conjured pencil and crunch a few more numbers.

If I hit 90 Starbright will be 61, equal to me currently, and Thaddeus with be 61 as well, an old man. Twilight will be 93, about 46 in human years.

‘Hell,’ I think. ‘I’ll leave twilight widowed in the middle of her life; I’ll leave one son in his youth and another in his golden years. This time difference is going to be a bitch.’

I sigh and lean back in my chair as I wad up the scrap paper I had been doodling on and toss it into a nearby wastebasket.

“Three points!” I mime the cheering of a crowd and grin.

“I see being a father hasn’t matured you any yet.” Twilight quips from within the kitchen of our new house. It’s actually an addition to the library but it’s fully separated and I like calling it my house.

“You know what they say Twi, the first forty years of childhood are the hardest.” I chuckle but the silence from the other room hurts me a bit. Twi doesn’t get it, she still thinks of me in pony years. To her we’re about the same age, but I’m a bit young and she thinks of herself as a cradle robber. To me I have twice her years and feel like a sugar daddy cavorting with a barely legal beauty. I smile and sigh simultaneously at the thought, just one more reminder of the barrier of years between us.

I get out of the chair and spin it for no reason, I walk to the kitchen I built, I step on wooden floors I sawed and placed, I run my hand on a wall I put up, I smile.

In the kitchen Twilight prepares bottles for our children who are almost a year old now. I sit in-between Thaddeus and Starbright and think of the last year and all the things that had happened.

/\/\/\

Our wedding went flawlessly, Celestia and Father both spoke and our children were baptized immediately afterwards. Shining and Cadance offered to foalsit for us during our honeymoon, we gladly accepted. Two weeks in fabulous Las Pegasus, though I did gamble a bit (I cleaned house and Black Applejack, apparently our friends namesake invented the game, and won two million bits.) I spent the vast majority of my time in our royal suite with my new bride. All through the honey moon she refused to take off her horn ring, to this day she wears it twenty four/ seven. My left hand has the uncanny ability to phase in and out of solidity, due to this odd trait I was forced to jury rig a mechanical skeleton hand to my wrist, while this was intended to only hold my ring permanently (Which it does without fail as the ring is a solid part of my ring finger on the device.) it came with the unintended but welcome bonus of allowing me to feel, grip, and even use superhuman strength with it once my magic imbued itself into the metal and wires. Since then I have felt as whole as if my left hand had never been severed from my wrist, to look at it though proves it had been torn off and modified; the metal base at my wrist, the steel fingers, and the ever-changing flesh of my hand are all quite visible. Thaddeus loves watching and playing with my fingers as they fade in and out of reality, from solid and fleshy white to a gaseous magical aura of swimming hazel and sea foam green.

After our return I constructed the addition, using only my two hands and the magic within one, in just under a week. We moved in and were thrown an excellent housewarming party by Pinkie and our friends the very next day.

Most of our friends have settled down and married, there is peace in Equestria so the elements of harmony are no longer needed, they can go back to living a normal, fulfilling life.

Rarity and Toby got married, I was best man, and are now expecting a filly, what the poor child will look like, being the offspring of a pony and an ass, I have no idea. I just hope for the girl’s sake that she takes after her mother in looks and her father in wisdom.

Big Mac, Fluttershy, and Caramel were married with direct permission from Celly. Having Celestia perform his marriage was just about the greatest event in Mac’s life, narrowly being beaten for top spot by wedding the mare and stallion he loves so dearly. Though Mac’s stubborn and occasionally offensive devout belief in the Astral sisters as deities and both he and Caramel being referred to as ‘papa’ by their three foals can be annoying he is still a great friend of mine, he even served as co-Beststallion at my wedding alongside Tobias. He and AJ now own and operate Sweet Apple distillery which distributes Mac’s hard cider, Applejack whisky, and Applebloom vodka. They also run Sweet Apple Acres now that Granny Smith has passed away. Every year I go over and help out with Applebuck, cider, and Zapapple harvests and seasons, every year Big Mac and I compete to see who can drink the most Appleshine, and every year I win.

Pinkie Pie, Pony Joe, and their foals moved to Canterlot were they have a world famous bakery and diner, the Cakes are currently the only ponies allowed to sell PinkJoe™ brand pastries and baked goods. Pinkie still pops up randomly from time to time and less randomly at every birthday, holiday, anniversary, third Tuesday of the month, or any other important day of celebration. Last time she was here she shared the good news that she was expecting again, this puts her up to seven foals now. Fortunately the PinkJoe™ restaurant and brand are providing more than enough income to feed and house the kids. Every time their whole family comes to visit the oldest five still act respectful and polite around me. I’ve heard them warn their younger sibling to do the same lest I start yelling and firing my weapon. From what Pinkie has told me they all behave perfectly at home, thanks in part (A rather large part) to yours truly.

Dash and AJ broke up a few months ago on good terms and are still best friends. Dash is pursuing her career as a WonderBolt and spending most of her free time with her new mare… Griffin friend Gilda. She flies over once a month to have dinner with the old group and we see her at every nearby WonderBolts show, we get free tickets.

Applejack is single and has told us she plans to stay that way for a good while, at least until she finds the woman that’s just right for her.

The CMC have all gotten their cutie marks; Applebloom started growing unique strains of apple trees, ones that produce more fruit or are immune to diseases. Her mark is a petal of her namesake.

Sweetie Belle began writing songs and signing, after pulling a few strings Rarity and I were able to get her an audience with a record label from Manehatten. She lives in town with her new coltfriend Pip but travels a great deal to perform across the country.

Scootaloo followed in her heroine’s hoofsteps, she is now a beta squad flyer for the WonderBolts, and she lives in town as well but is almost never here. Between performances and trips to her Fillyfriend in Canterlot we rarely see her anymore.

The others in the CMC also got their marks and grew up a bit; Snips and Snails opened a joke shop and have various prank items as their marks, the images seem to change at will depending on the day or the ponies mood.

Dinky proved successful at advanced mathematics, thanks to an endless stream of resources from me she has developed math and engineering far beyond what my kind have ever dreamt of. At the moment she is working on an Infibasket ™ that will allow anything placed inside to be multiplied as much as needed.

Pip became a sailor and owns his own vessel; I invest heavily in his ventures. Whenever Sweetie Belle is of for work he sails to the Griffin shore or the Zebrecan Isles to trade goods.

Featherweight moved to Manehatten to work for a large newspaper company. Once there he met a strapping young lad and the two have been inseparable since.

Other than that very little has happened, I have not made it to see Cadance’s laboratory, every time I plan to visit something comes up at her end, though Twi’s family has come down several times to visit and see the kids.

Twilight and I have been living comfortable and are happy as can be. I have added a great wealth of human knowledge and literature to the library and built three annex buildings to house all of the new books. At the time being the Ponyville library is far grander than the royal library in Canterlot. What a wonderful feeling that is.

\/\/\/

I devour a plate full of syrupy pancakes and help feed the twins; Starbright is already beginning to speak. When he says ‘dada’ I feel proud and happy, when he says ‘mama’ Twi giggles and smiles.

We pack up the twins and head out to the car; they have a play date with Mac’s boys here in about a half hour. I place their custom built car seats into the back of the truck, which has been fully pimped out might I add, and help Twilight into her seat. As I walk over to the driver’s door rain starts to fall.

“Just about made it,” I grumble as I hurry to pull the cover over the open top of the truck. As I get in I can’t shake the odd thought that the dark, mucky looking rain smelled like chocolate milk.

‘Naw, that would be ridiculous.’ I brush the thought away and we pull out of the drive and head for Sweet Apple Acres.

‘Chocolate rain,now that's just crazy.’

Spa day II: Spa harder
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Spa day II: Spa harder

Twilight and I drop Thaddeus and Starbright (I prefer the nickname rather than calling him Starlight Bright all the time.) off at Sweet Apple Acres. Mac and Caramel are there to watch them for us. We head back into town and towards Aloe&Lotus spa for our groups weekly get together.

“I still feel kind of weird going to the spa with you girls,” I complain as we drive into Ponyville.

“Yes, but you enjoy it don’t you?”

“Yeah, I guess I do.” I snicker and pull in front of the building.

Inside we meet Rarity, AJ, Fluttershy, and Dash. Pinkie Pie is busy with catering a big to do in Bitsburg but promised to visit later. We all pay for the usual and sit down for the mani/pedi.

Aloe and Lotus make their way from one pony to the next and work as we chat and gossip.

“Have you heard about the storms brewing? My goodness it is just dreadful!” Rarity flails her hooves dramatically and a crack of thunder outside greatly exaggerates her drama.

“Yes, they are quite scary.” Fluttershy whimpers from her chair.

“Yep, the princesses even asked the WonderBolts to help clear the clouds over Canterlot but for every one we moved two more formed. Weird huh?” Dash shoos Aloe away from her hooves as she speaks.

“Odd, did something go wrong with the weather squadrons?” Twilight, ever the scientist, demands answers immediately.

“Nope, the Celestia damned things just keep popping up, we aren’t making ’em and we can’t seem to get rid of ’em.”

AJ glares at Dash for a moment but stays silent.

“You guys know that where I came from weather regulates itself, the best we can do is forecast what will happen and make sure our roves don’t leak.” I blow on my freshly trimmed and polished nails as I toss my two cents into the conversation.

“Really?” they all ask at once.

“Really.” I confirm.

The discussion wanders into politics and government, apparently Luna and Celestia are at odds over what to do about the recent creation of a Griffin paramilitary and drug trafficking in the Zebra lands. I guess Equestria isn’t all rainbows and shit after all.

“Just so you all know, if war should come to Equestria I do intend to enlist as an actual soldier.”

“You can’t be serious darling.” Rarity insists.

I lean back and look down at Lotus who is putting a second layer of polish on my toe nails. I don’t look very macho at the moment but fuck it; I owe it to this country for all it’s done for me, if I have to fight for it I will.

“I’ve fought in wars before; I’ll be fine fighting again. You may recall that I was a Master Sergeant in the Marines before I landed here.”

We get up and head over to the mud baths, I slide into a custom human sized pool of silt and minerals, Twilight joins me and our four friends step into their own tubs right next to us. Being the ass I am I ‘accidentally’ splash some mud on Rarity’s mane, I chuckle as she fumes but neither of us really care, it’ll wash out here in a bit. I tassel Twi’s mane with one hand and fondle her tail with the other under the mud. None of the others can see what exactly I’m doing but they notice the red in Twilights cheeks and blush themselves, Fluttershy in particular.

“So what is the standing relationship between Equestria and the Griffins?” I ask.

“Technically,” Twilight launches into lecture mode. “None. The Griffins don’t have a real government, just local tribes.”

“Ahh,” I begin to understand. “Like the Green Wind Tribe.”

“Wat chu be neddin brudda?” A raspy voice rumbles off behind us. We turn around to see none other than my brudda Jacob curled up on one of the nearby chairs and smoking a Jay.

“Jacob! Sorry bout that, I didn’t meant to call you, but since you’re here how about we do a bit of business.”

“Sure thang brudda, an you memba now, if you be callin da Green Wind Boys the Green Wind Boys be comin. Now where ya wanna do dis bidness at?” I excuse myself and hop out of the mud bath, after a wave of my hand I’m clean and dressed again.

“Mighty cool trick ya got there brudda, wicked lookin ‘and too, all metal an magic an sheet.”

“I’ll be back soon.” I shout to my friends as I snap my fingers and leave the salon.

Jacob and I stop by the library to find my stash near empty. He seems disappointed but I reassure him. “I got this bro.”

With another snap of my fingers we’re in front of Zecora’s hut.

We walk up and knock at the door, after a moment a vaguely familiar Zebra opens it.

“Wait a minute, are you the one who drugged me with that soup?” I pull my pistol out of its holster and glare at the striped rapist.

“No, that was not I, surely it was another guy.” I shrug and walk into the hut.

“Seems legit.”

Inside we find Zecora brewing something foul in a large couldren.

“Hey Zecora, I was wondering if you had any more herb for me and my boy here, I got coin a plenty for it.”

The voodoo priestess smiles and nods, her apprentice trots over to a table and fills a sack for each of us.

“Two pounds of hash, I hope you have plenty of cash.” He rhymes as we trade off coins for weed.

“Oh don’t you worry, there’s plenty where that came from.” I toss one sack to Jacob and slip the other into my pocket. Before we leave Jacob addresses Zecora.

“Yo, mess Zebra laday, how you feel bout supplyin my tribe with some a dis hashish? Is grade A sheet and my clan would pay top dolla for et. You could be rollin en coin by de end a de month if you open this here lucrative bidness wit da Green Wind boys.”

Zecora grins and stops her work at the cauldron. From a nearby drawer she retrieves a card.

“Your clan may call me for business only, but you may call me whenever you feel lonely.” Zecora grins even wider and turns back to her work, brushing her tail across Jacob's face as she does. We leave the hut and start walking back to town, Jacobs wings stand at attention the entire time as we stroll through the Everfree. He keeps looking at the card again and again.

“Me thinks me’s in love wit dat enchantress! Such charm, such wit, such beauty, and such booty! MmmMmm, I tell ya brudda,dat girl got it.” Jacob tucks the card safely into a small pack strapped to his shoulder along with the weed, we shake hands and he soars off into the sky. I stand in a clearing and smile for a moment, my accidental calling may have just gotten a friend laid later on. I shake my head and clasp my hands behind my back.

“Jacob, you better watch out, and whatever you do don’t drink the soup.” I laugh and jump back to the Spa. I say jump because that’s what it feels like whenever I teleport myself, how odd.

Back at the spa my friends have already moved out of the mud baths and into the sauna. I walk over and join them after stripping down to my boxers and obtaining a towel from a passing by employee. I find the steam room and open the door to find that all of my friends have decided to lie in the ‘I just don’t give a fuck’ position, even Rarity. They all look up when I enter and quickly readjust themselves to less exposing positions, all except Dash that is. I guess she takes the position seriously.

“I’m back,” I say as I sit down next to Twilight and stretch my legs out.

“Yes, we noticed that,” Twilight says irritably. “Where were you?”

“And who was that wretched fellow you were with?” Rarity asks.

“That ‘wretched fellow’ is a good friend and business associate of mine named Jacob. He’s a good guy though he could use a shower and a haircut; his dreadlocks are kind of nasty.”

“Oh, I remember him,” Dash spouts. “He was the guy who wouldn’t let you into the Bird’s nest and then got us a great table. Cool dude.”

“So that still doesn’t explain why he randomly popped up or where you two ran off to.” Twilight nags.

“When we first met I did him a favor, as a thank you he told me to call the name of his clan/tribe/whatever whenever I needed and he would help me out. I forgot and accidentally called him earlier when we were talking about the Griffins.” I lean into the wall and lace my fingers behind my head, I’m still not fully used to the odd feeling of my left hand against my right, it’s like metal covered in jam the moves and changes in thickness.

“OK, so what were you doing?” Twilight pries.

I groan and cave. “Fine, when I first met him he wouldn’t let me in so I threatened to beat him with Jeff, after he let me in I gave him a baggy of hash as a peace offering. Ever since then I’ve been buying from Zecora and selling to the Green wi… to his tribe. OK?”

Twilight looks puzzled. “Hash?” she asks.

“Yeah, you know, hash, hashish, weed, grass, dope, the reefer, pot, Mary Jane,” Dash is the only one who seems to know any of the slang I’m using so I switch to its common names. “Marijuana, Cannabis Sativa. Any of that ring a bell?” Fluttershy squirms a bit when I say marijuana and Twilight’s mind clicks at Cannabis.

“Oh, the drug. Wait, you’re dealing drugs?!!?”

“I blame Dash.” I throw my friend under the bus nonchalantly.

“What?!? How is this my fault?” the blue Pegasus shouts.

“If you hadn’t taken me to the Bird’s Nest,” I explain. “I never would have met Jacob and started selling. But you did and I am so oh well.”

We all leave the sauna and head for the pool. As we go Twi keeps shooting death glares at me. Once we’re in the water and no employees are around she jumps back into bitching at me.

“Do you know that selling Marijuana in Equestria is illegal?” she asks in a very pissed off tone.

“Just selling?” I ask. “Well in that case I’ll give it to them free of charge instead, I’m sure they would appreciate it. Now all I have to do start growing some in the basement…” My mind wanders off into thoughts of hydroponics and how much I’ll need to grow; the thoughts are rudely interrupted by Twilight.

“It’s illegal to grow as well!” she says.

“MEEP!”

We all turn around and look at a terrified Fluttershy.

“What’s the matter ’Shy?” Dash asks.

“Well, you see, I’ve kind of, maybe, growing a little in my garden. And when I say a little I mean a lot, like twenty plants.”

“Fluttershy! We all yell.

“Why didn’t you tell us? Dash and I would have been buying from you instead of Zecora.” I say with a straight face. Dash is the first to crack and is soon followed by everypony else. In a matter of minutes we’re all laughing at the stupid illegal things our friends do.

We say goodbye to our friends and offer Fluttershy a ride home seeing as how we have to stop by her place to pick up Thaddeus and Starbright anyway. As we drive down the dirt road towards the farm black clouds cover the sky and heavy rain pours onto us. I stop and quickly cover the sun roof again and then continue driving. Fluttershy bags another pound of pot for me as Twilight corrals the children. I thank Shy and slip her a few jeweled bits. “For the farm.” I say. I chat with Mac for a bit as Twi gets our boys into the truck, he says that Zapapple season is approaching and he’ll need my help. I promise to be there.

Twilight and I head home and discuss dinner on the way, pasta sounds good.

All the way back the storm continues to rage, it doesn’t die down until late at night. I stay up and watch as dark rains drops fall from the sky and hit the tin roof on our back porch. Twilight is inside reading a bedtime story to the twins, I’m out here worrying.

“Something’s up,” I whisper. “A storm like this isn’t natural, not even by Equestrian standards.” As I head in a massive bolt of lightning strikes in the Everfree, I can see the fire growing so I stop and douse the flames with a quick blast of magic. I walk into the house but I can’t shake the feeling that something was out in the rain, something as unnatural as this storm, something wicked, something...

Discordant.

Vectors of local Discordance
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Vectors of local Discordance

I toss and turn all night. Next to me Twilight sleeps soundly despite the ruckus I’m making, in their crib Thaddeus and Starbright doze quietly as well. Around midnight I give up on any hope of sleep and decide to take a walk around town.

I slip out of bed and leave Twi a note; ‘Going out, be back before sun up’ it says. I dress in my old clothes, my BDU from the Marines. Long forgotten memories flicker though my mind as I pull the scratchy and slightly too small shirt over my head, I guess I’ve put on a bit of weight since I got here. I finger a hole on the shoulder of the shirt; a round in Baghdad, I took it and saved some army grunt’s life, a stain so deep not even magic could remove it; the blood of a teenager who died in my arms, he jumped on a grenade to save our group and I carried him through a firefight to a medic. I shed a tear as I think of him, I took three bullets and some shrapnel in the calf to get him to that medic, I did everything I could to save that boy, that man, who had saved me. I failed. I pull my pants up and fasten my belt closed, I slide socks and then my bloodstained, dirt caked boots on, the boots are clean now, and no one but me can see the imperfections on them because no one but me was there to remember the events that covered them so. Most days I wish I didn’t remember that accident either.

I unlock my gun cabinet and pull out my weapons; I holster the desert eagle and shoulder my rifle. I pull out a knife as well and sheath it, I don’t know why but I feel like I should bring it. Maybe it’s Jeff back again wanting blood, maybe it’s Dulcie warning me of some impending danger, maybe I’m just getting paranoid now. I don’t know and I don’t care. I hear the rain before I see it so I grab my coat, the one Rarity made and modified for me, before I head out. I don’t bother grabbing a hood or a hat, I like the rain to fall on my head, it feels… soothing I guess.

I quietly open the door to the back porch and then close it behind me, I don’t want to wake Twi or worse startle the twins. The rain falls fast and hard, it actually hurts a bit to be hit by it. I walk over and cover the truck’s sunroof, I could have sworn I already closed it, and the magically clean the damp interior out. Even after I dry the seats they still smell odd, chocolate again, odd indeed. I shrug off the thought and begin my walk.

I love the night, I love seeing the world as it is with no one in it, with little to no light, noise, or movement. The wind and rain in the background act as white noise, amplifying the mood I’m in. I skim through my music and pick Modest Mouse; I crank the volume up and stroll through one deserted street after another. I stop at a bench and sit for a minute in order to roll a joint; I think I’ll try out Fluttershy’s grass at the moment. I finish making the Jay and light up, pretty good shit if I do say so myself. I take a few hits and snuff it out, in its place I pull out a Cuban and start puffing on that. Just enough of a buzz to feel good and then a nice cigar to smoke as I walk, if I just had a glass of Guinness this would be a perfect night. Thinking of that I scroll through my IPod and switch to some smooth jazz.

“Much better.” I say to myself.

“It most certainly is.” a voice behind me agrees.

I stop in my tracks, that voice.

“Oh, so you do recognize me.”

“Jeff?”

“Yes,” The voice draws the word out two or three times as long as it should. “And no. Kind of, you could say I’m the inspiration for Jeff, the mind after which he was modeled. But I never have had direct control over him, the fact that he coupled with your mind and that you are now here with me is a complete coincidence. Fate huh, what a bitch?”

No longer fearing that the same demon that has plagued my mind for years is behind me I turn around and face the owner of this eerily familiar voice.

I look in awe and disgust at a monstrous amalgamation of various animal parts that have been plundered from their respective owners and slapped together to form a creature even Frankenstein’s monster would call hideous.

“What the fuck are you?”

“My, my, what a rude way to greet the man who saved your life and brought you here in the first place.”

“What?”

“Oh you silly human you. You don’t even know a god when you see one. I was the one who brought you here; you can start worshiping me now, the name’s Discord.”

I stare at the creature in front of me.

“Discord, as in Celestia’s half brother, the guy that’s supposedly trapped in stone by the elements of harmony and should be in Canterlot garden serving his punishment for whatever the hell he did. That Discord?”

“The one and only, now how about you help me out Brendon, seeing as how I’m the reason you’re here in the first place. So be a good little meatbag and go break my statue and free me completely.”

I laugh.

“Huh?” Discord doesn’t get it. “What’s so funny?” I keep laughing in his face and he’s starting to get mad. “Go free me NOW or else I’ll make you pay!”

“What?” I stop cackling and look him in the eyes. “What are you going to do to me, kill me? I can’t be killed.” I pull out my knife and slash my right wrist; it bleeps profusely for a few seconds and then stops. The flesh seals itself and then glows green. “Torture me? You could never do any worse than what Jeff has already done.” I clench my fist and my body glows just as my wrist did a moment ago, every self inflicted injury Jeff forced me to commit shows and Discord flinches at the sight. “So what are you going to do Mr. Disharmony, Dr. Chaos, Sergeant Sprinkles? You can’t do shit too me.” I sit down on another bench and take a long drag on my cigar. Discord walks over to me and I blow smoke in his face. “What are you gonna do?”

He smiles sadistically and sits next to me. He clears his throat, crosses his legs, laces his mismatched fingers behind his neck and begins.

“Well you’ve put me in an inopportune position, I can’t hurt you, I’m not stupid enough to mess with your loved ones, you’d kill me if I did, and I can’t just force you to obey me. Or maybe I can.”

“Sure you can.” I mock.

“No really,” he insists. “I can tell you all about how I caused those insurgents to ambush you’re convoy, how I blew you up, brought you here, oh and how I’ve tainted Celly and got her to try and kill you. It was so much fun watching you kill her, and then seeing you strangle your beloved was even better. Too bad you had to go and bipity bopity boop everything back to normal, I was really rooting for you to snap and go on another killing spree. If you had that would have been, what, you’re sixth one?”

“Shut the fuck up.” I order him.

“Oh, don’t like to talk about that do you? Do you even regret it? No of course you don’t, you enjoyed it too much to regret it; killing those soldiers and wearing their flesh as a cape, strangling that pimp and then shooting all of his ganster buddies, oh and we can’t forget beating Tyler to death back in high school!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I scream at him.

“Oh, hit a nerve did I, oh well, what’s done is done, now go release me.”

“No.”

“No?”

“NO.”

“Well that won’t do, maybe I can get Dulcie to have a word with you.”

“What?”

“Dulcie, you know that sexy punker angel in your mind that you have such a hard on for, I created Jeff and her both in a way, I made Dallas too but that lazy bastard hasn’t done anything other than give you wood for other guys, ew, how gross.” Discord sticks a finger in his mouth and groans.

“Dulcie has nothing to do with you!” I argue.

“I’m sure you know all about the kinship of the voices you hallucinate up, I really am, but I must not tell lies, I made them, I just don’t control them. Think of those pesky little voices as computer viruses; I programmed them to infect you and lead you here, through whatever means they thought necessary they did just that and now, walah, you’re here. Now. Go. Release. Me!”

“Fuck you.” I stand to walk away but a sharp claw grabs my arm and digs in.

“Not so fast. Release me NOW!”

I turn to Discord and pull my gun.

One shot, left thigh.

Two shots, mid torso.

Three shots, left side of chest.

Four shots, head shot.

Five shots, head shot.

Seven, eight, nine, the entire clip. I keep firing into his fucked up face even as he falls to the ground, I can’t help it. Once he’s down I slam my knee into his groin, I start stabbing and punching him, I know he’s dead but I can’t stop.

‘Kill.’ Said Jeffery. I killed him.

‘Dismember.’ Says Jeffery. I dismember him.

‘Feast.’ Says Jeffery. I gorge myself until nothing but feathers, scales, and bones are left, I burn them and snort the ashes. I’m high on hate; I can’t think I can only do what Jeffery tells me to.

‘Run. Canterlot. Statue. Break. KILL!’ Says Jeffery. I run, I leave Ponyville and head for the capital of Equestria.

I don’t look back once.

Vectors of global Discordance
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Vectors of global Discordance

Warning: Violence, murder, and some gore.

‘Left, breathe, right, breathe, left.’ My mind falls into a steady rhythm with the furious pumping of my legs; I force every breath and push myself harder as I see Canterlot on the horizon. I’ve never ran this fast before, not when racing Dash, not when running from Pinkie’s fireworks, not even after I killed that boy my senior year. I did run from that accident, I ran pretty damn far, from Illinois all the way to Massachusetts, but at nowhere near this speed. These unpleasant thoughts float away as a surge of pain sweeps through me, Jeff isn’t happy, he won’t be happy until I’ve done every last thing he wants me to.

I follow the winding, uphill path to the city’s main entrance, where I knock over a guard and climb the closed gates. The wrought iron burns my skin and I can already see blisters and welts forming, I don’t know how or why that happened but I don’t have time to think or even care about it. I run.

I sprint though deserted streets and abandoned alleyways, I feel the rough cobblestones beneath my boots, and I taste blood in my mouth but I keep going. I take an exceedingly complex route towards the castle gardens as directed by Jeff.

‘Left.’ Here.

‘Right.’ There.

‘Turn.’ Now.

And finally ‘Jump.’

I crouch while running, not as easy as I sounds, and take a flying leap over a tall stone wall bordering the gardens. I catch the wall with a foot and biff the landing, dropping face first onto the ground and narrowly recovering with a forward roll into a kneeling position.

“Stop criminal scum!” a guard shouts as he draws his spear and advances at me. The unintentional meme slips my mind as I’m a bit preoccupied at the moment. I stand and hold my left hand out to grab a hold of Jeff as he materializes. The guard sees the weapon and charges me. I extend Jeff fully and slam him into the ground so he stands upright and face the guard. I catch his spear and stop it as its tip pieces my abdomen. A fine trickle of blood escapes the wound and I pull the spear out of the guardsmen’s hooves and thrust it deeply into my gut.

“Are you happy now?” I ask calmly, the guard cowers. “I thought not.” I scowl and twist the spear breaking off the tip and leaving it buried in my stomach. I spin the shattered wooden shaft and swing low, the stallion’s leg crumple beneath him and he lands on the ground with a solid thud. “Ssh, go to sleep.” I whisper to him as I bring my foot down onto his head.

I turn away from the unconscious white Pegasus, retrieve Jeff, and start to meander through the gardens, it’s a bit like a labyrinth and I get lost once or twice, fortunately Jeff is muttering where to go and what to do in my ear.

“Thank you Jeffery.” I say as I enter an open area where Discord’s statue stands in a ridiculous pose.

‘What a drama queen.’ I think as I approach the marble likeness of the chaos god. I raise Jeff above my head and prepare to strike the stone and release the master of havoc. I swing hard and Jeff hits his mark, the stone face of the statue cracks and shatters.

“Fucking finally.” Discords newly freed mouth gripes. “Do you have any idea how bad my nose itches, and my ass too! The nerve of these mortals turning me to…” his words are cut short by a second swing of Jeff; I hit Discord squarely in the chest and leave him gasping for breath. One limb after another I smash and free until the Draconequus’ entire body is loose from its earthen prison. I hit Discord once more and knock him from his pedestal, I stand over him and gently place one foot on his neck.

“Kill.” Jeff says with my mouth and his own voice, Discord’s eyes grow to the size of saucers and blubbers out a plea for his life, evidently the memory of what I did to his last body just clicked. As he begs for mercy I frown and push down on to his throat. I open my mouth to speak, to insult him, to degrade him as much as I possibly can before I rid this world of his chaos and insanity.

“Stop!”

I look up and see Celestia, Luna, and squadron of Royal Guards led by my brother-in-law.

“By the order of the Astral Diarchy I order you to cease and desist immediately or I shall be forced to stop you by use of force!” Captain Armor states clearly and firmly, just how they taught him to at whatever academy he attended I’m sure. I move my foot and raise my hand, Jeff along with it, at the group and snarl. In Jeffery’s voice I rebuke their futile attempts to stop me.

“He brought us here, he killed us, and he took EVERYTHING from us. Now we will kill him and any who stand in our way, that means you Celestia!” I wave my arm and a wall of fire bursts from the ground and halts the sun goddess in her tracks.

“Please,” She begs. “Please don’t kill him.” Luna and the guards look at her confused and curious, Celly and I are the only two that know of the relationship between Discord and her.

“Why? Why not kill him? He’s not insane Tia, not in the least. An asshole, a trickster and prankster, a lover, a brother, and a chaos inducer he may well be but crazy he most certainly is not. He just wanted to usurp your power and when that failed he pled insanity to get away from you. he doesn’t love you, at one time he may have but after failing to defeat you and then being imprisoned by you, if anything he hates you more now than we do, and that’s a whole hell of a lot of hate. I’m doing you a favor by killing him. Don’t you see? This way he’ll never hurt you or anyone else ever again, this way chaos will die out, this way things work out how they should.” I laugh manically and place my foot on Discord again, this time on his chest.

I raise Jeffery high and drop him down onto Discord’s face. Blood splatters me and I swing again. And again. And again. Celestia screams and Luna orders the ‘ShadowBolts’ and the guards to attack a moment to slow. I bring Jeff down one more time and then feel something crash into my side. I keel over and stare at the black Pegasus in black armor that had just stabbed me. I grab his sword by the blade and tear it from his grasp, losing a finger on my good hand as I do. I kick hard and knock him back into one of his comrades; I knock another ShadowBolt into the crowd of surrounding guards.

I scream.

As I scream my body glows and then dims and a magical shield covers both my body and Discord’s. I stand slowly as magic ripples through my body and changes me, mutates me, perfects me.

I scream again as pain burns at every nerve in my being, as my bones grow and my flesh stretches and rips, tearing apart at every joint and muscle group. A searing heat licks at my shoulder blades and I glow brightly all over. Every scar, every wound, and all the pain I’ve accumulated over the years shows now. The guards flinch and look away, Luna gasps and shields he eyes, and Celestia just falls to the ground and weeps. I walk over to a nearby pond and look at my reflection, I’m both terrified and pleased at what I see in the water; wings reminiscent of a Changelings, black, insectoid, and covered in holes, have sprouted from my back, I’ve grown two feet at least and packed on a hundred pounds of meat, my BDU has burnt away and is half replaced by the armor Jeff gave me, now it only covers parts of my body. I flex my arms and roar, the muscles in my body have doubled and doubled again, the skin covering them has torn away and not the bare cords of my muscles can be seen. They shift and strain as I move my body, I can see them tear in bundles and wrap themselves back together larger and stronger than before. My hands have changed too; my left hand has become a spear head, magic covering sharpened steel, I pass it over the my bulging thigh and grin at the wide gash it leaves behind, I also grin at how quickly the wound heals. My right hand has formed a claw of sorts with six fingers ending in talons that would make a velociraptor jelly. My palm is now flat against my wrist and the fingers are placed in three groups of two, forming a triangle and lacing together if I squeeze them inwards. Anything caught in this hand will soon be no more.

A shout distracts me and I look back at the princesses. Celly is still weeping and Luna is chanting in tongues, Armor is the only one actually doing anything, even if all he’s doing is trying, and failing, to keep his men from deserting their posts. A lone unicorn is yelling and sending flames at me. I pick him up in my clawed hand and fling him towards the castle, I can’t see where he lands but I can hear the shattering of glass and screams of agony. I smile and giggle, which comes out as a throaty gurgle, at the sounds. I push my way through the disorganized troops, throwing several more, and stop at Discord’s lifeless body.

‘Feast.’ Jeff commands me as he did before. I plop down with a mighty thunk and start caving flesh off of the body.

‘Mmm, tastes like chicken, and snake, and beef, and human.’ I lick my lips and start shoveling more meat into my mouth. In less than a minute there is nothing left save the bone which I pick my teeth with. Even the chewy wings have traveled down my gullet to their ultimate demise in my intestines. I smile and feel satisfied for a moment. I doesn’t last.

I lift myself to my feet, a difficult task as my weight has just increased even more from ingesting the dead Draconequus, and look for my next meal.

‘I wonder what pony meat tastes like.’ My inquisition is ended before it even has a chance to begin by a blast of black magic that knocks me onto my back. Jeff screams in my head and then the next thing I know I’m back to normal. I look around and see a still weeping Celestia, an exhausted Luna, and a dutiful Shining Armor. In front of me are two glowing orbs, one of blood red and one of dark green.

‘The red one.’ A gentle voice instructs me. I spear it with my left hand which is still pointed.

‘Place it to your heart and pray to God, the real God, the one who sent me to you and you to here.’ I do as I’m told and recite my favorite plea to the lord. “God, please don’t let me fuck this up.” I open my eyes and I’m no longer in Canterlot gardens. I'm not in Equestria either.

So far as I can tell, I’m in hell.

“Well shit.”

Viver é amar, amar é viver
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Viver é amar, amar é viver

I stand and watch my death in slow motion. I see the insurgents on a nearby hill, one with a RPG fires and his buddies’ holler, aim their AK’s and light up the convoy. I see the tank at the head of the line of vehicles hit an IED right as the rocket hits a Humvee towards the back of the line. The Humvee I was in. I see the fire as one then two then three and four more trucks are hit by explosive rounds our bombs buried under the road. I watch in horror as a good friend of mine pulls himself out of a burning fuel truck and desperately roll on the ground. It’s a mercy when he is shot in the head. I watch as my platoon is decimated, I watch as men and women I knew well die horrible deaths, I watch as my Humvee is flipped over with me in the gunner’s spot on top, I watch as I’m crushed underneath a few tons of hot metal, I cry. So that’s why they had a closed casket at my funeral.

I watch all of these events exactly as they happened a year and a half ago for me and forty years ago for the world I left. I watch because I can’t turn away, I can’t even look away as the fuel truck explodes and showers the surrounding vehicles and people with burning gasoline, as more explosions trigger, as more soldiers are shot like dogs, as people die. As I die.

I force my eyes close and scream a single word in my head.

‘Discord!’

When I open my eyes back up the hellish nightmare of that doomed convoy in Iraq is gone, instead I float in a vast expanse of darkness, of nothingness. Having no other viable option to choose I start to back float and accept my fate. Tears fall from my moist eyes and shimmer for a second before being lost in the great void tha surrounds me. I can’t hear my sobs or my words but I know what I’m trying to say.

“Jeff…Discord…Dallas…Twilight… Lizzie… Dulcie…”

The first two silent words are filled with inaudible loathing, the third with mere disappointment, and the last three with love.

“Yes?” an angelic voice rings out in the wasteland. I look and see none other than my favorite punker gril, angel or otherwise.

“Dulcie,” I speak and hear the words as they pass from my lips and make their way to my ears. “You came when I called.”

“Well,” She says as she takes a bight out of a green apple from Sweet Apple Acres, I know it’s from there because the sticker on the side says so. “Believe it or not I’m an honorary member of the Green Wind Tribe, where you be tinkin I get dees sweet wings an wicked cool skeels?” She laughs and flaps her wings a bit; I just recline on a cloud on nonexistence and look at her.

“So what’s the deal now Dulcie? Am I dead, dying, hallucinating, or what?”

She does a 360 and a few flippy flips before settling down next to me and then starts chewing on her nails, she obviously doesn’t what to answer me but I don’t care at the moment.

“Dulcie,” I say firmly. “Tell me what the fuck is going on here.”

“Chill out,” She says with a flick of her wrist. “No need to swear and all that, you’re not dead, you won’t die for another seventy years if I have anything to say about it. And yes, in a way, this is a hallucination, just a real one.”

“Wut?” I calm down immensely, all that fear and worry now traded for confusion at Dulcie’s cryptic way of telling me shit.

Dulcie giggles and pulls a bag of candies out of her cargo pants. “Want some?” she offers me some generic chocolate gumdrops. I take a handful and wait for her to explain as we both fill our mouths with gooey fudgy goodness. “So,” she garbles through the mouthful of sweets. “Remember when you got pissed and killed Celestia and Twilight?” I nod “Well this is kind of like that. You did something violent, insane, and terrible and now your conscious is punishing you. Deep down you feel bad about what you’ve done so you stop time, force yourself to somewhere where you can calm down, and then rewind time to make a better present. It’s some sweet Code Lyoko shit you got going on with it. So after we have this nice little chat you’ll go back to Canterlot gardens and face Discord again only this time you won’t go all ‘Hulk smash!’ on everything. Got it?”

“Uh, I think so.”

“Good, now before you go back I need to clear a few things up with you. First off, Discord’s full of horse shit. All the stuff about making Dallas, Jeff, and I is highly exaggerated. We simply used him as a hub to find you and bring you to Equestria; regrettably Jeff tainted Discord’s chaos while we did this. ’Member that green globe next to Jeff’s?”

“Yeah, what was it?”

“That, my friend, was Discord’s natural spirit of disharmony. It’s no more dangerous than… than something that’s not that dangerous; don’t give me that look you know how bad I am with words. Anyway the red one was the taint that Jeff left in Equestria, now that it’s gone what the hay is so damn funny?”

I clasp my hands over my mouth in a futile attempt to stifle my laughter. “You said ‘taint’.” I double over laughing but start to spin out of control. I grab Dulcie’s leg and right myself.

“Ugh, men.” She grips. “You know there’s a reason I prefer girls right?”

“Two words; tits and pussy.” I get smacked but it’s worth it.

“No, that is why I like girls so much.”

“That doesn’t stop you from falling for some lovable idiot fella in every story you’re in.”

“Hah,” she laughs. “Me falling for them? More like they fall for me and I’m too much of a softie to tell ’em off.”

“Come on Dulcie, admit it. You like the cock!” I get backhanded again but I laugh anyway.

“Shut up,” she orders.

“Yes ma’am.” I salute her and make a face.

“And for the love of God don’t get me started on other stories, I hate this damn multiverse! Die in one world that you’re accustomed to and get punted into another that doesn’t even have Rad soda or true chaotic perfection!”

“Yeah, I know how bad you miss your ‘meaningful randomness’, hell if it would help me keep from fucking up I’d gladly comb the personals and tabloids every day.”

“Welp, let’s get back on track here. When you go back Discord will be alive and mischievous as ever but nothing more, your little rampage will not have even occurred and Pinkie is going to show up and give you a black eye for some reason.”

“Why?” I dare to ask. Dulcie just glares at me.

“It’s Pinkie motherbucking Pie, I aint gotta explain shit.”

“Fair ’nuff.”

“Now because you just made Jeff really friggin’ strong Dallas and I are gonna have to step our game up, if we do it right your mind will have four parts, us three and you and together Dallas and I will be a bit stronger than ol’ Jeffy boy. The only downside is that since Dallas will be a bigger part of your mind you’re gonna get gayer.”

“How gay?”

“At best? Neil Patrick Harris gay.”

“Hmm… I can live with that, what about at worst?”

“On the other side of the scale, Justin Beiber.”

“Fuck me.”

“Yep, that’s the attitude you’ll have whenever you’re around hot, black men.” Dulcie smiles and I practice my award winning poker face for a minute.

“Good thing there aren’t many blacks in Equestria.”

“*Cough* Racist. *Cough* Asshole. *Cough*”

“Hey, in case you forgot, Fish was black and he was one of my best friends.”

“Whatever. Oh! Looks like our hour’s up, back to the land of rainbows and titty sprinkles for you my friend.”

A portal opens up in the void near us, within it I can see Canterlot gardens, Discord, Celly, Luna, Armor, and a shit ton of guards. I float to it but stop halfway there.

“Dulcie?”

“Mmmhmm?” she mumbles past chocolate.

“Earlier you said something about how you three used Discord to bring me here. What do you mean by that? And I am NOT leaving until I get answers and I will not let you bail out either.”

“Shit.”

“Yep, that sums up your situation. Now spill it.” I fold my arms over my chest and wait for her explanation, after a minute of blubbering and attempting to get out of talking she gives up.

“Remember what I said about the multiverse?”

“Yes.”

“Well God, The God I mean, created one universe in the beginning, the whole Genesis chapter of the bible for realsy. But after the people there started doing stupid shit and he had to kill off a bunch of ’em he decided to make more universes with more humans. This way if he ever had to destroy an entire planet for being evil his people would live on elsewhere. He made an infinite amount of them and then interconnected them, every story you could read or watch is someone’s real life somewhere out in the universe. Hell, on one world Equestria is a TV show for little girls but a bunch of dudes fell in love with it and treat it like it’s real.” I stop her there.

“You’re bullshitting me, that would never happen.”

“Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night. Anyway this is how I got here, after my story ended God sent me here along with Dallas and Jeff to guide you. Now the trippy part is that I’m also still with Cameron back in our own universe, Dallas is in a parallel Equestria and married to Big Mac and Fluttershy, and Jeff is in his own fucked up world full of creepy stuff, he’s a deranged serial killer there.”

“Never would have guessed. So why did you three bring me here?”

“Well,” Dulcie sighs. “We had to kill you in your world and bring you to life to protect you and your family.”

“And how exactly did killing me protect me and my family?” I raise an eyebrow and wait for a doozy.

“Mmm, you’re not going to like this, you probably won’t even believe it.”

“I’m married to a unicorn and killed two demigods recently, the things I will believe in overshadow the things I don’t by a mile. Try me.”

“OK, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. That magic of yours,” she points at my hand. “Isn’t entirely from Celestia. All she did was give you the power to use it, the only thing that can bring a human’s power to the light of day is extreme suffering, when you were on the moon the pain and loss gave you the ability to harness that magic, your fight with Tia and return home ate away at all that pent up emotion and let you keep your sanity and magic.”

“OK, and if I didn’t come here?”

Lizzie would have had a miscarriage on your second child and later that year would die of cancer. Your baby girl, who you so kindly named after her mother, would grow to hate you because of your apathy to her and would run off with some biker douche and end up dead in a motorcycle crash. You would become depressed and try to kill yourself; you fail and get sent to a psych ward at some hospital. There you meet Dallas, fall in love and get married. The only problem is that AIDS kills Dallas off a year later. You would go insane, unlock your powers and then proceed to fuck everything in your universe up. Once done with that God would try and stop you and inadvertently allow you to jump into the mist of the multiverse and fuck everything everywhere up. We were sent to stop that.”

“That’s a shit ton of ‘would’s’.” It’s all I can think to say.

Dulcie continues speaking. “Now that you’re dead on earth Lizzie, lil Dulcie, and earth Dallas all live, no one destroys everything and the worst pain felt is the death of a father. Over in Equestria you change everyponies’ lives.”

“Really,” I interrupt her. “How so?”

Dulcie grimaces but keeps talking. “Let’s see, without you Twilight becomes an old maid, mare whatever, Dash never comes out of the closet or becomes a WonderBolt, Celly becomes one of her various personalities and ruins the nation somehow, all of the CMC get different cutie marks except for Dinkie who goes through life covering hers up because nopony knows what it means, Mac never marries Flutters or Caramel, oh and Pinkie Pie starts baking Cupcakes.”

“What’s so bad about that?” I ask.

“You don’t wanna know.” She answers.

I groan and rub my eyes.

“You’re telling the truth Dulcie, I know it and I hate you for it but I also love you for it. I got one more question before I go home though.”

“Shoot.”

“OK, so you said that Dallas was in my future on earth, and then you said I named my girl after her mother so I figure in a way you’re Lizzie or vice versa,” Dulcie blushes at this. “So that’s two of the three voices in my head as people in my life. Where’s Jeff?”

Dulcie stops blushing and starts looking at the Great Tremolo sticker on her breastplate, evidently it’s fascinating.

“Dulcie,” I growl. “Who is Jeff?”

Dulcie coughs a bit and flies closer. She wraps her arms and wings around me and looks me in the eyes. She kisses me gently on the lips but I don’t kiss back.

“Dulcie,” I begin.

“You,” she says. “You are Jeff.”

With that she pushes me hard and I pass though the portal. The last thing I see is her wings spread wide with a spray paint message on them.

‘To live is to love, to love is to live.’

I remember that saying from her story, her life I mean. I think about the message as I fall into the inky darkness of the portal.

“Life is worth fighting for and so is love, I’ll never have either while Jeff is in my head.”

I turn around and face the light as I exit the portal.

By God I’m going to fight for my life and my lover, this time I’m just going to fight the right person.

But how do I fight part of myself?

Author's note: The punker angel Dulcie (And Cameron) are from the novel Going Bovine by Libba Bray. Also thanks to Frank Dufresne (Doc) for proofreading my stories even though I'm so damn impatient that I post them before I even send them to you.

Now kiss and make up
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Now kiss and make up

Two Alicorns and a squadron of guards look up as I fall from the rapidly closing portal; they immediately look at the Lafe who is preparing to kill Discord.

“What the actual buck?” some guard asks as I land on the ground next to the Jeff possessed me.

‘What the fuck indeed.’ I think as I rip Jeff from my grasp and push myself back. I rush myself and in one swift stab with my left hand I end my own life. I stand up and walk away from the dissolving husk that was me from the past, me from now is here to stay.

I bust the magical wall around Discord and free him just as he asked me to earlier that night. He got his wish… kind of. I help him up to his feet. He reels back and away from me but I just grin, that’s all it takes to melt away the fear I’ve bestowed in him.

“Are you…Am I… did Jeff and Dulcie..?” he stutters and waves his hands about. “Celly… Celly!” he looks at his estranged sister and lover and then at me. I just nod and smile. The god of chaos runs to the goddess of light, a few guards move to intercept him but Celestia orders them to stand down as she flies to meet Discord in the middle of the garden. They collide into a passionate embrace that I fear will soon get a bit too passionate. Thankfully they don’t go any farther than holding each other in their arms.

I stroll past the reunited couple and over to my in-law.

“Sorry for the trouble bro…ther.” I save myself as I see the irritation on his face. “Eh, I’ll make it up to you… somehow.” I chuckle nervously as Shining orders his men, erm, ponies back to their barracks.

“Don’t worry about it…Bro.” he punches me softly, but not too softly, in the thigh and points at Celestia and Discord. “Now what’s this all about?”

“Oh them? They used to be lovers until a demon tainted Discord’s mind and drove him insane,” I see the look on Shining’s face. “Relax I yanked the bastard right out of his chest, Discord is fine, still Discordant but no longer evil at least.

“OK,” shining says doubtfully. “So where is the demon now?”

“It’s nestled deep in my subconscious telling me what to do and who to kill.” I flash my brother a toothy smile and giggle a bit. “It’s no big deal though; I got a punker angel and a faggot in there too keeping him in check.” I wave a finger in circles next to my head and grin at Captain Armor.

“Eh, weirder shit has happened here, when Twi was just five she summoned Hades from Tartarus because was working and she had no one to play tea party with. Fun fact: the lord of the underworld prefers chamomile tea and peanut brittle over all other such drinks and snacks.”

“Hmm, I’ll keep that in mind in case I ever meet him, I enjoy sweet iced tea with as much sugar as tea myself.”

Shining and I trade recipes for tea as we walk over to check on the happy, very happy (Dammit Discord! Wear some pants man! Oh holy fuck it’s barbed at the tip. How…kinky, no wonder why Molestia, uh, I mean Celestia likes him.), couple.

“Hey you two love birds! Break it up for a minute and for God’s sake Discord cover up!” I groan as Discord’s manhood (Draconequushood?) swings low between his legs. Thank the lord, he snaps his fingers and covers himself… with a floral muumuu. Whatever, at least I don’t have to see his dick hanging out anymore. Shining seems much more traumatized than I, obviously the scene has made him a bit self conscience about size, and holds back as I walk up and shake Discord’s lion hand.

“Sorry ’bout killing you back there, twice, and then cannibalizing your one body, and then the other body, and for stealing your wallet.” I hand him a leather wallet with a long chain on it. He takes it and is about to slide it into a pocket on his muumuu when he clears his throat. “Oops, almost forgot.” I pull a wad of bills from my pocket, US dollars, Yen, Euros, Pesos, and for some reason a shit load of monopoly money. “Here you go.” I hand him the wad of cash. “We cool?”

He scratches his Fu Manchu beard and ponders the question.

“Why the hell not?!” he sweeps me up in a crushing bear hug and proceeds to give me an epic noogie, I fear my head will be pink for the rest of my natural life.

Celestia joins the hug and kisses Discord on the chin and me on the cheek.

“Hey now, I’m married. If you wanna do anything like that you have to ask Twilight first.” We all laugh, all of us except for poor Shining who stands back awkwardly and watches the strange group hug. “Hey,” I shout at him. “Get in one this bro.” Slowly and cautiously he trots over and places one hoof on my hip and the other on Discord’s lower back. We stay like this until the flash of Paparazzi cameras force us to move out of the gardens and into Celestia’s room. Shining curtly excuses himself saying that he must get home and ‘take care’ of Cadance, Celly quietly laughs at the obvious meaning of the phrase. Luna stops by to make sure we’re OK and bid us goodnight, a few politicians knock but Celestia sends them off. ‘I’ll explain tomorrow.’ She tells them. Finally we are alone and can talk freely.

In Tia’s personal chamber we discuss everything that had happened to me and how Discord’s taint was now torn from his mind and placed in mine. Celly thanks me for my actions and Discord pats me on the back. ‘Good job son.’ He says to me. He’ll never know how happy that simple phrase makes me. Cadance sends a scroll asking for Twilight and I to meet her to tour her laboratory next week, ‘For sure.’ the letter confirms.

Celestia takes her leave as she must raise the sun soon; Discord complains how sore he is. I say my goodbyes and leave the two be, I’m sure they have ‘things’ to do before the day officially begins. By ‘things’ I of course mean dirty, kinky, sexy, sun goddess/chaos god sex. Or maybe they really have other stuff to do… nope I think that as soon as I leave they’ll start fucking. The sounds that emanate from her majesty’s room as I walk down the corridor prove me right. I knew it.

I stop at Luna’s room and apologize for bothering her earlier and also for not yet actually talking to her. As I stand at her door I notice the impressive collection of video games she has. Luna notices my noticing and offers to play a few rounds of Pony combat with me. An hour later I say goodbye to her and apologize profusely for beating her in Mareo cart so many times. She just chuckles and invites me to come over and play anytime I want. I don’t quite notice the wink at the end of the sentence.

I teleport home and land in the kitchen to the approval and applause of both Starbright and Thaddeus and the shock of Twilight. My unannounced entrance causes her to drop a plate of pancakes and burn herself on the still hot stove. I catch the flying flapjacks with my magic with grabbing Twi and pulling her close to me. I set the breakfast food down on the table and massage where she burned her side, within a second the burn is gone.

“Where have you been?” Twilight asks me.

“Nowhere, everywhere, maybe somewhere in-between and good God am I glad to be back now and right here.” I lean over and kiss Twilight on the lips and silently thank Dulcie. I miss my old life, I always will, but I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

Sunday dinner (part one)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Sunday dinner (part one)

“Thanks again Spike,” I say to the baby, excuse me, adolescent dragon as I pack Starbright and Thaddeus into their seats in the truck.

“We really appreciate it.” Twilight finishes my sentence for me.

“No prob guys,” Spike replies in a voice that has very recently turned gruff and smoky sounding. “Have fun visiting family, I’ll keep a good eye on the library for ya.” He waves with one hand and with the other scratches his shoulder blades and the new wings that lay just under his scales. His motion causes me to scratch my own shoulders with my free hand. Ever since I turned into a tank in the gardens I’ve had these annoying lumps on my back, I figure my demon wings are folded up under my skin but honestly I’d rather not check. I help Twi into the passenger seat and climb in behind the wheel; we wave to Spike one last time, the boys wave too, and head out for Twilight’s parent’s place in Canterlot commons.

Forty five minutes later, I could have made it in thirty but Twi told me to drive slower since we have the boys in the backseat, we reach Canterlot, another twenty minutes and we find Dazzle and Orion’s house. Twilight runs in to greet her parents while I undo the straps holding Thaddeus and Starbright to their seats. Starbright is able to walk so I let him make his own way up to the front porch where Twi and my In-laws await him, I just carry Thaddeus over. Dazzle nuzzles Starbright and offers him a small salt lick (The shit is like catnip for ponies, they will do anything, and I mean anything for it. I keep a few dozen hidden in our bedroom and use them on Twilight as positive reinforcement.), he takes it and tries to eat it whole. Orion guffaws and tells him to slow down and lick it, ‘There’s a reason it’s called a saltlick.’ He says jokingly. I’ll admit it; he’s much better with kids than I am, patient, calm, not screaming. I frown for a moment as I think about Dulcie, I probably would have been a horrible father for her, the only way of parenting I knew was my father’s way: yell, swear, hit, belt, or lock the kid in a closet for misbehaving. Not a great teacher. I push this unhappy thought out of my mind, I’m not my father, I’m much calmer than I was back on earth, I haven’t yelled at the boys once or even lost my temper with them. I’m a decent father, yeah, yeah I am, just keep saying it and it must be true.

“Son, are you alright?”

Orion’s voice snaps me back to reality.

“Uh, yeah, just fine…dad.” I hesitate at the last word but Orion seems happy to hear me call him that. He pats the seat next to him on the porch.

“Well then come on over her and bring little Thaddeus with you, son.”

I walk over and sit next to him; Twilight takes hold of Thaddeus and walks inside with her mother and Starbright to see Shining and Cadance inside. I look over at Orion nervously. He levitates a pack of smokes and takes one. “Want one?” he offers and I shake my head, as he lights it with his magic the rest of my body shakes too and thoughts of cigarette burns from my childhood make me flinch.

“While I’m thinking of it, why did you name him that? I’m sure it’s a human name but is there any specific reason for it?”

“N…No reason.” I stutter. “Just a name I liked.” He looks at me suspiciously.

“Odd reason to name a child; just because you like the name, is there any reason you like the name so?”

“Well,” I mutter.”It was…*murmur murmur*.”

“What was that, son?” he asks. “I couldn’t quite make it out. Are you sure you’re OK son? You’re sweating something awful but it’s not even very warm out today, mid one twenties I’d say.”

“My father’s,” I choke out the word. “Name was Thaddeus Storm Ryder, I just felt like I should keep some memory of my old man alive even if al it was is his name.”

“You don’t have any other memories of your father?” Orion asks astonished.

“Not any good ones, and sure as hell no happy ones.” I say as I fight back tears.

“Oh.” Says Orion like it’s all he can say. “I’m sorry son, if it means anything to you I don’t think your boys will ever share that problem.” He smiles a warm, fatherly smile.

“Thanks…dad.” I hesitate again but he pats my arm and looks at me.

“Don’t worry Lafe, you can call me dad whenever you want, there’s plenty of room in my heart for another son.” I tear up and catch him in a big bear hug.

“Thanks dad.” I say, this time instead of hesitation or fear I say it with love and happiness.

“Son?” he says.

“Yeah?’ I reply

“I can’t breathe!” he gasps.

“Sorry!” I say and I release him. I’m terrified he’ll be mad at me now or won’t like me anymore because of that, but instead of yelling at me he just chuckles.

“Come on now, supper’s almost finished and the others are surely waiting for us.”

I head into the house and to the kitchen with Orion. No, with my new father, who has in five minutes done more for me than my real father did in twenty eight years.

I shed another tear; I’ve been doing that a lot lately, as we walk in to find our family at the table waiting for us. The tear falls before anyone can see it but the emotions that brought it into existence stay the forefront of my mind as we eat and talk; joy at this new, seemingly perfect family, sorrow at the loss of my old, flawed one. Which one is better?

At the moment I just don’t know.

Sunday dinner (Part two)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Sunday dinner (Part two)

Orion sits at the head of the table next to his wife, Shining and Cadance sit across from where I stand, and Twilight sits in-between the boys facing her brother and sister in-law. I pull up a seat, magically modifying it to hold me as I do, and sit between Twi and Thaddeus. I try not to pick favorites but I have to pay more attention to him than his brother so naturally I give him more affection too. Orion, dad, says a quick and simple grace. We all say amen afterwards but I’m the only one to cross myself.

“Human Catholic prayer.” I explain when they all look at me strangely. Twilight already knows about it but her family doesn’t, I explain it further a bit to satisfy them and we begin to eat. Damn I’m getting old of being a vegetarian. I still get steak every time we eat at Cul Anes but otherwise I refrain from eating meat, besides eggs, for Twilight’s sake. Thaddeus and I are both on protein and vitamin supplements, brought to you by the Pony Nutrition Center (PNC), in order to keep our bodies functioning properly. But even though I don’t need meat anymore I still like it… a lot… and eating nothing but green leafy veggies can get old quick. Good thing I like salad at least.

I conjure some thousand island dressing to pour on my appetizer as Shining tells us about his upcoming promotion; next time I see him I’ll have to call him Commander Armor. ‘Jokes on you,’ I think. ‘I’m still three ranks above your ass!’

“So how are things in Ponyville?” Dazzle asks as she passes out garlic butter rolls, yummy, to everyone.

“Pretty good.” I say. “I’m building another annex for the library.”

“Interesting.” Orion quips.

“What’s going to be in it?” Cadance asks curiously.

“Books detailing the history of Earth, how mankind spread, evolved, and lived throughout the two thousand some years we’ve been around.” I tell her.

“And all the scientific, religious, and military happenings along the way.” Twilight adds. I glare at her.

“No.” I say definitively.

“Why not?” Shining asks. I sigh and look at him.

Shining, how long have you served in the military here?”

“Thirty two years.” He says proudly.

“How many tours of duty have you served during wars?”

“Uh, none. There have been no wars for the last thousand years in Equestria. The Changelings and you have been the closest things since then though the current situation with the Griffins may change that.” Shining looks upset for some reason.

“Exactly,” I say. “No wars, humans haven’t been that lucky. Our history is pretty much one big war occasionally interrupted by times of peace.”

“Surely you are exaggerating.” Dazzle says wearily.

“Nope, centuries of fighting, two world wars, one atomic bomb, a handful of civil wars, one in America even, and thousands of small conflicts between countries. Gang wars in every big city fill the void when armies are quiet, hell; when I last was there we were fighting a bunch of camel herders over a desert in the middle of nowhere over oil that they had and we wanted.”

“What’s this have to do with books?” Cadance questions, she seems very intrigued by all of this.

“It’s in human nature to fight. What I’m saying is that most of our history is; war. Almost all of our knowledge comes from war; one side wants to outsmart the other in some way and learns something useful in doing so. I say no to the books on military because Equestria and ponies on the whole are peaceful, you don’t need, and probably don’t want, to hear about a bunch of apes killing each other over glory, gold, or God.” I eat a forkful of pasta; it’s very good, buttery and zesty as well as salty and lemony. I’ll have to ask for the recipe.

I look up from my noodles to see five ponies staring at me.

“Something in my teeth?’ I ask innocently.

“So you’re censoring human literature from us because you think we can’t handle it?’ Cadance accuses angrily.

“Yep, call me SOPA.” They don’t get it. “Never mind.”

“Why would you want to do this?” Twilight asks me.

“Twi, do you know what the two most popular pastimes humans have are?” she and all the adults at the table shake their heads. “Plainly put it’s sex and violence. Everything we do, write, make, say, or even think revolves around one of those two things. Most people take these hobbies to perverse or dangerous levels, and most books, even histories and biographies, do that as well. So yes, I plan to censure the smut and excessive violence from ponykind. Trust me; I’m doing you a favor.”

We all eat without speaking for a few awkward minutes before Cadance breaks the silence.

“Name three things that we shouldn’t be allowed to read.” She’s not going to let this drop. I think for a moment and… “You can’t can you?” I sigh and speak.

“One; Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, about a man molesting a young girl, two; The 120 Days of Sodom by some French bastard whose name I forget, it’s about hedonism and ends with the brutal rape and murder of a few dozen young men and women in attempt at true gratification, and three; the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer, it has nothing to do with you Twi,” I say to my already angered wife. “Which is about vampires, werewolves, pedophilia, necrophilia, bestiality, and on the whole just isn’t very well written.” They all glare at me. “Happy now?” I ask Cadance. “I can go on you know, there are thousands of stories that aren’t appropriate for humans or ponies to read and most of them aren’t fiction. I will bring a good deal of mankind’s knowledge to this land but I hope you can understand why I plan to be so cautious with it. Oh, also when it comes to technology I have to be very careful.”

“Why?” Cadance asks annoyed.

“I can’t just dump digital tech on ponies who just discovered electricity a decade ago. Humans are a few hundred years ahead of you and it would be sensory overload. As it is there are too many humans addicted to television or the internet. So can you understand my reasons to censor my world from yours and slowly integrate things in?”

“I guess you’re right.” Cadance says reluctantly.

Our conversation steers away from one controversy to another as second helpings of pasta, I’m already on my third helpings, are passed out.

“Well I have some unfortunate news to share,” Shining says and we all look to him. “The princesses and their council reached a vote this morning; we’re at war with the Griffins.” Dazzle and Twilight gasp, Orion swears under his breath and Cadance…smiles. How odd. My brother looks at me. “I had planned to tell you all sooner but Lafe and Cadance kind of took charge of the topic.”

“Sorry.” We both apologize.

“So why exactly are we going to war?” I ask him.

“Several reasons,” he starts to say but Cadance interrupts him with a cough. “Only a few of which I’m allowed to disclose to civilians, even if they are family.”

I clear my throat loudly and speak to Shining. “Don’t make me pull rank on you Captain.” He gulps and rectifies his statement.

“Don’t worry, I’ll tell you everything later. OK?” I nod. “Good, so what I can tell you all is that between drug smuggling, weapon shipments, and militia near the border of our nation Celestia has found it in our best interests to end these actions with a show of force. Several warnings have already been sent, received, and rejected by the tribe leaders in charge.”

“Any clue what tribes we’re fighting here?” I ask with my bruddas in mind.

“That I know of; BloodClaw, RavenMane, BloodGulch, RiverSpirit, GreenWind, MadDrakes, and the newly formed SilverWing/SharpBeak/RiledFeather tribes. The last three have formed a specific alliance and now go by the tribe name SilverSharpFeather. All together there are about twelve thousand soldiers and something like six hundred shamans and a council of twenty leaders. Between the Royal guard, Equestrian militia, the WonderBolts, the ShadowBolts and friendly griffins we are at about eight thousand strong but we have a secret…” Cadance thumps him under the table. “But we can handle it.” He says instead of whatever secret he nearly spilled.

“Well I’ll have to have a word with Celly and Jacob, the GreenWind…” I stop there to keep from calling them on accident. Again. “Are under my protection, if I tell them to cease any actions and cut all connections with this army they will do so.”

“Well, you’ll get that chance soon,” Cadance says to me. “After supper we’re heading to the castle and my laboratory.” I like the way she pronounces the word ‘la-bore-a-tory’ it reminds me of the British fellow I fought with in Iraq, I always did love his accent.

“Sweet,” I say and eat another forkful of pasta. “We’ll chat with the war council there and I’ll enlist as an actual soldier.”

“NO!” Twilight immediately refuses the thought.

“Why not?” Cadance and I ask at the same time. I give her a confused look but return to my wife.

“Twi, don’t worry about me. I’m practically immortal remember? I’ll be fine, besides I can teleport back to you every night, it would be no different than working out of town during the day. Twilight tries to think of a valid argument but can’t.

“OK,” she folds. “But I’ll expect you home in time for supper every single night!”

We all chuckle at that and start talking about other, less upsetting matters. Starbright can go into magic kindergarten in two months time, but Thaddeus won’t be old enough for another two Years. I tell the family of my plans to home school him as well as send him to Ponyville elementary school. He must know all things important to both humans and ponies. As soon as the boys can talk we will start teaching the both to read, I’ll teach English and Twi will teach Equestrian, and then human studies to both boys. Shining and Cadance are planning to conceive a foal next spring and Dazzle can’t wait for another grandfoal, one closer to her also, for her to visit. Orion tells us about the renovations at the Canterlot Royal library that he is in charge of as head librarian, I offer to donate a few choice books and he happily agrees. Dessert is passed out, gelatin of some sort, and we all dig in. It’s delicious and chewy, kind of like a cold toffee. The boys behave perfectly and eat all their food, though Thaddeus ends up with jello/toffee all over his face. I clean him up with a bit of magic and we discuss plans for the rest of the evening; Dazzle and Orion will watch the boys, I’ve already told them everything the need to know about caring for a human baby, the other four of us will visit Celly and Luna, and then Cadance and I will visit her lab. Neither Twi nor Shining have the security clearance to go there so they will go into town to shop and spend some quality brother/sister time together while I tour the lab.

Dessert is finished and we get up to go. Dazzle gives me a kiss on the cheek and Orion shakes my hand, for a second he hesitates about something and then decides to go for it, he gives me a one armed hug and tells me to have a goodnight, son. I hug him back and say bye, dad.

With Shining and Cadance in back and Twi next to me we pull away from the house and head towards Canterlot castle, Mom and dad, each holding a boy, wave to us as we go.

I smile as we leave; mom and dad, God it feels good to give people those titles and have them live up to the name. I pat Twi’s leg and follow my sister-in-law’s directions to the castle, in only ten minutes we show up at the front gate.

Several guards show up with weapons drawn, Shining pulls rank and orders them to stand down but they ignore him.

A large black stallion in ShadowBolt armor steps forward and reads off a scroll.

“Lafayette Ryder, you are charged with high treason for fraternizing with enemies of the Diarchy, you are hereby placed under arrest.”

“Fuck me.”

Kid in a (Explosive) candy shop
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Kid in a (Explosive) candy shop

“Commander Armor?” Celestia says.

“Yes, your highness?” Shining replies.

“Two things; first, you may call me Celestia as we are in private, such titles are only necessary in public, secondly, could you fill us all in on the current situation?”

“Certainly, your… Celestia.” Shining stands and conjures a map of Equestria and its surroundings; he points at a marked border to the northwest of Canterlot and several miles above Manehatten. “The Griffin army is positioned here, from what Jacob has told us there are close to sixteen thousand soldiers and a thousand shamans, much more than we expected or could possibly hope to defeat. These Griffins are hardened veterans of countless territory and drug wars, with the exception of the Astral sisters, Discord, and Lafe nopony has ever seen as much battle as the average Griffin, be they soldier or civilian. Thanks to the GreenWind tribe,” Shining shoots Jacob a dirty look and Jacob just shrugs at him. “Most, if not all, of the shamen are under the influence of dragon blood, this increases their magical capacities tenfold and mutates their body and mind alike, they can feel no pain or fear. The only way to deal with these shamen are to kill them immediately. We must be careful though, once dead the dragon blood will seep out of their bodies and mix with its surroundings to create a quite volatile reaction, killing or mutating all those in the blast radius. Now the average Griffin grunt is a skilled flyer, fighter, and marksmen. The strongest grunts will carry shamen into battle on their backs.” shining notices the confusion held by all except Jacob and explains. “As part of the ritual to become a shamen the wings and one claw must be severed and burned as a sacrifice to the demons in Tartarus who supply shamen with their unholy magic.” Jacob winces and fluffs his wings.

“Meesta Arma, might I spick fo a bit?” Jacob requests.

“Sure, go ahead.” Shining sits back down next to his wife as Jacob stands.

“Dese here shamans, dey be bad muddafeckers. Dey feel no feelins, dey tink no taught, dey jus hate an destroy. A shaman see sometin dey dislike, bam!” he slams his claw into the floor. “Dey feck it all up, dey see someun or someponee dey don like dey do da same to em. Iffin you manage ta keel a shammy, dey go boom and all dat nasty magic sheet dey had in em spreads out around em. You get het by dat an you idda die or you turn inta a shammy’s betch, ya lose ya mind an stat keelin erryting roun ya. Not a good ting.” Jacob sits back down. “All you, messta Arma.”

“Thanks for the info Jacob.” Shining stands again and continues his briefing about the situation. “The Griffins have a few airborne siege machines, dirigibles fortified with iron armor and dozens of multi shot canons. Just one could bring a city to its knees. They have a few hundred. These weapons combined with the training, experience, and number of flying soldiers, shamen, and the dedication of their leaders spells one thing: defeat. We currently lack either the ponypower or the weapons to engage the Griffins in battle and win…”

“Actually,” Cadance stops him. “That’s not quite true.”

A blinding flash of light later we find ourselves transported to a large, white clean room. Hazmat suits and respirators line the wall; I notice several are custom made to fit Alicorns, Draconequus’, Griffins, and humans.

“Suit up.” Cadance tells us.

“Sweetheart,” Shining says wearily. “Where are we?”

“My laboratory of course, where did you think we would be at?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

I’m already putting the white, rubbery suit on as the others stand there and gawk.

“Where did you get the funding for all of this?” Luna asks.

“Pyramid schemes and illegal gambling.” Cadance says without a second thought. “Hurry up; I have a lot to show you and just a little time to show it all to in.” She trots over and starts manipulating her suit onto her body with magic. Discord snaps his fingers and his suit is on…and pink with purple polka dots, Celly and Luna also instantly dress themselves as Twi and Shining fiddle with their magic and fight with their suits. I help Twi out but armor refuses my assistance when I offer, we end up sitting and watching for five more minutes as he tries to work a zipper. Finally he gives up and has his wife help him.

Now that we’re all fully suited up Cadance prompts a door to open in front of us. None of us had noticed the door previously because of how well it either blended or sealed into the wall around it, Twilight and Jacob both jump as it opens. On the other side lies…

“Oly fecking sheet!” Jacob murmurs.

“Ditto.” I agree.

“Welcome,” Cadance says with dramatic flair. “To the E.I.E. laboratories!”

“I think I just came.” Twilight whispers to me. I look down and see that she’s not exaggerating, her haunches are wet and her body is quivering. I look back up at the massive room before me and feel slightly orgasmic myself.

We all walk in, slowly and cautiously, to the room. Well, room is kind of an understatement, several hundred thousand square foot hanger filled with various scientific instruments, weapons, vehicles, and other assorted nerdy things. Cadance leads us past computer banks, tables of hardware, test areas, experiments, and dozens of unicorns in suits similar to ours, until we reach another blank wall. She reaches out with her magic and opens up a garage door sized hole in the wall, what I see in the next room makes me jizz a little.

“Me gusta,” I stutter as I look at shelf upon shelf of every weapon imaginable. “I. want. All. of. Them.” I say as I leave the others behind and run into the room.

I run around like a kid in a candy store for a few minutes, collecting every gun I can find and grabbing them with my magic. By the time the others find me I have enough firepower in grasp to outfit a small army. And by small I mean large, very, very large.

“Where can I shoot these?” I ask, nearly beg, Cadance.

“Over there,” She points at a firing range. “But wait a moment!”

Too late.

The explosion rocks the laboratory, startling everypony inside and sending me flying backwards at speeds I had thought unattainable by a human being. A small sonic boom echoes and rings throughout the hanger as I break mach one just in time to have my acceleration slowed by a friendly steel wall.

“Lafayette!” somepony shouts out. A moment later everyone from the group is surrounding me and Jacob, Shining, and Discord are prying bent steel off of me.

“Oh my gosh! Lafayette, are you alright?” Twi asks me.

I just groan and look at Cadance.

“I’ll take five of those, please. Now let’s go fuck some Griffin’s day up.”

Mission improbable
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Mission improbable

After freeing myself from the wall I had flown into and assuring everypony that I was not gravely injured Cadance took me back to the weapons room to prepare for the upcoming mission.

I summon Jeff (I hate the bastard but I still need him…) and my suit of armor and begin modifying them with whatever magic I can think of and all the gadgets and gizmos at my disposal from E.I.E. I Strengthen and thin the steel on my armor and I add deflection and protection spells, now if anyone strikes at me with either physical weapons or magic it will glance off and leave me unharmed. I add a few more spikes to Jeff (Because you can never have too many razor sharp steel spikes on a weapon.) and add a bit of gold and “Cloudsteel” to him. The unicorn scientist in the room with me explains that Cloudsteel can puncture anything save itself, will never rust or dent, and wont melt at any temperatures below some insanely high number. He warns me that should I ever face a dragon’s fire the Cloudsteel will melt and burn a limb off, I just show him my left hand and chuckle. I strip down and toss the bio hazard suit into a nearby incinerator shoot and begin layering my armor on.

Spandex leggings and long sleeve shirt, made with Rarity’s assistance to allow mobility and protect my skin from my armor.

Magic foam padding at the chest, ribs, waist, and thighs that will provide extra cushion from blows and blunt force trauma.

A rubber like morph suit that the metal armor attaches to.

And finally two dozen some individual steel pieces that cover all vital organs and protect me from firearms and explosives. As I click each piece into place strands of intertwining Cloudsteel link them to other pieces and cover any unprotected part of me without affecting my maneuverability.

I design a sword in my mind and feel it materialize in my hand; I slid it into a rung on my waist and move over to a table of firearms and other assorted weapons.

Cadance walks me through each one; telling me the pros, cons, and results of each item. I pick a plasma rifle up and hold it next to my desert eagle, with just a bit of imagination and concentration I merge the two into one. I fire at a dummy across the room and smile as a large chunk of the mannequins torso is torn away and the rest of its body combusts and burns to ashes. I place the new modded pistol in its holster and skim through the rest of the available guns. I already have Jeff and my M-16 on my back and the new sword and my sidearm at my waist so I can’t carry anything else if it’s too large, it’s not the weight it’s just that I’m running out of space on my person. I grab a compact sub machine gun with an odd handle on it. Cadance takes it; the handle is made specifically for ponies I see now, looking at the other guns I see most are made in a similar fashion, and show me how it works. One hand, or hoof in her case, rests inside the device and the other spins a wheel on the side to fire it.

“Stand back.” She warns. I take a step from her and watch intensely as she turns the firing mechanism and a spray of golden liquid and gas flows out of the nozzle at the end. I guess it’s not an SMG, sure looked like one to me. Cadance moves the hoof inside the gun and the golden substance responds, turning into a floating orb and going whatever direction she steers it. When it touches something it eats away at it like an incredibly corrosive chemical. A dummy liquefies within seconds of being touched and a steel wall melts into a pool from the orb just hovering nearby. “Watch this.” She orders. The gold breaks off into shards and launches at whatever target Cadance motions to, the now solid substance rips into anything it hits and leaves a corrosive stain behind that eats its way through the target.

“I’ll take that.” I say as I retrieve the gun from her. I reshape it to fit my hands and reprogram it to allow the fingers of the hand inside the gun to direct the flow of fire of the gold instead of moving the entire device. I strap this to my lower back and circle the table. I want one more thing before I go and… here it is! I pull a bulky, rectangular thing from the table. It doesn’t look like one from Earth but I know it when I see it. I hold it up and it morphs to fit against my hands, shoulder, and cheek so I can hold and aim it better. I look down the sights and pull the trigger; a thousand metal spikes fly out of the barrel and shred the last dummy. “Shotgun rain, some stay dry but others feel the pain, Lincoln, Kennedy, Curt Kobain; I’m in headshot city with shotgun rain .” I can’t recall the lyrics perfectly but they sound just fine to me. I sling the shotty over my left shoulder and turn to my sister-in-law. “Let’s roll.”

We leave the armory and regroup with the others, after a brief vote we end up back in Tia’s room to plan the next stage of the plan.

We all take our former seats but Luna and I trade, I stand while she sits next to Twilight. Sitting in armor isn’t as easy as it sounds.

“So,” I begin. “I have a plan. Jacob, is the GreenWind tribe,” Marley and Wayne appear. “Are you guys still cool with the other tribes? Has the word spread yet that you’ve joined us?”

“Not yet brudda,” he says. “Dose udda Grifins, dey be still tinkin we cool, dey don know a ting an dey don spect a ting.”

“Good, now Celestia I need to know, am I to use lethal force here, am I to fight, kill, and defeat this army, or am I just to perform a show of force and scare them straight?”

Celestia sighs and nods to me. “I permit the use of lethal force on all who fight. These Griffins are criminals who plan to invade our land, while you were dressing reports came to me that confirmed that their army has crossed the border and already raided a small town. While lethal force is allowed I would ask you to spare any wounded, children, slaves, and any who surrender. Also please try and bring the leaders back alive so they may be tried and punished for war crimes.”

I nod. “Ok then, will do. So here’s the plan…” for the next half hour we go over the details of my plan, fine tuning them and changing them as necessary. Finally we break and Jacob, Marley, Wayne, and I prepare to head out for the northwestern border. The three Griffins take to the sky and wait for me, Jacob offers to carry me but I tell him I got it. I think for a moment and my armor shifts itself, opening up two empty spots on my back. With a little magic a take my combat knife and slice two vertical lines on each shoulder blade, the skin and muscle peel away and I feel my wings underneath start to come out. I flex a few new muscles and force them from beneath my flesh. Everypony in the room gasps, Jacob just laughs.

“Wat? Now you an Allycorn? Brudda got sum skeels ah teel you dat.”

I look back and see, instead of the demon changeling wings I expected, two white wings with golden feather tips and thick bones supporting them. They look kind of like an eagles wings but larger and stronger, they weigh a ton but I can lift them with ease. I flap the a few times and lift off the ground, I spread them out and find I have a wingspan of almost ten feet. I think of how the Pegasi can fold their wings to their sides and do the same, my wings collapse onto my back, covering my weapons but not preventing their retrieval, and feel lighter than before.

I walk over to Twilight and hug her tightly.

“I’ll be back for dinner tonight.” I say.

“You’d better be,” she says through her tears. “I love you.”

“I love you too Twi.” I tell her. I kiss her on the lips and then follow the GreenWind boys out the window.

“Don’t worry, I’ll have this war ended by bedtime, I swear.” I wave to everypony, everypony waves to me, and then I fly away alongside my bruddas.

‘So I’m a human Alicorn now,’ I think to myself as we pass over Equestria on our way to the Griffin army. ‘Is my hair gonna turn funky?”

We near the Griffin encampment and I hide in a cloud as Jacob and his boys start phase one of my six phase plan.

‘I hope it doesn’t turn pink or rainbowie or anything, Dallas already has me feeling more queer than ever, the last thing I need is to look the part too.

“Watcu meen dis ain’t good nuff fo yo men? Dis ere be premium sheet!”

I hear Jacob shout the code phrase for me to join him and begin phase two. I dive through the cloud and freefall towards the tent he’s in. I knock a few stray flyers out of my way and land at the tent flap.

‘Time to shine,’ I think. ‘Now Jeffery, be happy, you’re about to get all the blood you could ask for here in just a bit.’

The thought of the destruction I’ll soon wreak gets me hard. I turn my swagger on and stroll into the tent.

Oh, this is gonna be a fun day!

Gratuitous violence
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Gratuitous violence

Warning: Gratuitous violence.

Sword in my left hand, Jeff in my right, and just because I’m still not badass enough I attach the SMG/gold/flamethrower to my wrist too, I walk into the tent.

“What the Fuc...GAHHHahhhurgle.” the griffins creams as I test out the SMG, I really need a good name for it. I look at the GreenWind boys and down to the now dissolving corpse

“Honey pot, I think I’ll call this lil beauty honey pot.” I look back to Jacob. “What do you guys think of the name?”

“Souns kinda ga…Gah!” Jacob and Marley both punch Wayne to shut him up.

“Love it brudda! Reel nice.” Jacob says nervously.

“Me likes it bra, ’sa gud name for a gun.” Marley brownnoses.

“Cool, now if you gentlemen will excuse me, imma go kill some Griffin fags and blow up some shit.”

“Have fun boss!” Wayne shouts as he and Marley fly off.

“Keel sum feckers fo meh, brudda. You be carful na, don go getting yoself keeled. Won love, ah’m out.” Jacob salutes me and flies off with his other bruddas. I radio Cadance and tell her that phase one is a success and phase two is ready to begin. I pull a bomb out of my fanny pack (That’s right, I wear a fanny pack into battle to hold my g-nades, extra ammo, spit stone, and sunscreen. What are you gonna do about it?) and arm it. I unfurl my wings and fly out of the tent, once I’m near the center of the base I fly straight up as high as I can go. The whole place has realized an intruder (Me) has broken past their defenses and several dozen have seen me but that doesn’t matter in the least to me. As soon as I can’t breathe I drop the bomb and jackknife to the side, I fly away from the barracks and to a nearby bunker as the C4 falls to the ground, just as I reach the fortified caverns I hear the explosion. I giggle and look back at the havoc I just caused, who knew two pounds of C4 could do so much damage? The guy who also stuck three sticks of dynamite, five incendiary grenades, I gallon zip lock bag of ‘Honey’ and a low yield nuclear device into the clay explosive, that’s who. I conjure up a pair of mirrored aviators and watch the beautiful, fiery catastrophe for a second.

The shouts of guards tear me away from the awe inspiring spectacle of a thousand mercenaries burning alive and screaming in agony. Without even turning I fire at and kill two Griffins behind me. The fire starts to spread and so does the smile on my lips, I turn just in time to block a Griffin’s sword with Jeff.

“Hello,” I say pleasantly as I disarm him of both his weapon and his limb. “Gorgeous weather we’re having isn’t it?” I bring Jeff crashing down onto the terrified soldiers shoulder, tearing away part of his wing. “I plan on picnicking with my children later on in the day,” I continue to speak soothingly as he bawls and clutches at his mutilated wing. This is an exercise in failure for the poor chap; he uses his only arm to hold his wing, loses his balance, and suddenly falls onto his face. “What are you plan’s for this fine evening?” I ask as I flip Jeff around and use his spikes to defeather the guard. He screams and begs for me to stop. “What’s that? A funeral, how sad. I have a feeling it will be a closed,” I slam Jeffery into the Griffins skull. “Casket.”

Someone shouts a name out and snarls at me, I just look at the soldiers to my right and smile. “How about you fellows, anyone planning any fun activities for the weekend, ransack, rape, kill, and plunder? Sounds like a grand ol’ time to me, there’s just one little problem.” I can feel Jeffery taking over. Dulcie and Dallas start to tell me not to give in but I ignore them. I let him. “This is my land, I’m the only one who can go on rampages and get away with it, so you can all,” I raise my arm and send semisolid ‘Honey’ to cover them all. “FUCK OFF, EAT SHIT, AND DIE!!” I cackle as the honey covered birdbrains drop, roll, and claw at themselves in pathetic, and useless, attempts to get the acidic goo off of them. I stroll by them as they die. I spit on one fucker, determined enough to claw at my leg, and with a single sweep of my sword behead him. I spear the head and hold it up to look in my slain foes eyes… um, well it’s only eye now, there’s a sword tip where the other one should be. “Hmm,” I hum. “Griffin kabobs.” I snap my fingers and the head bursts into flame, after a second a rip a chunk of flesh off and try it. “Tastes like deer. I’ll be damned; I’d have thought it taste like chicken. Who’d of thunk it?” I flick the head off of my sword and walk right past a group of traumatized soldiers. “I suggest you surrender now, otherwise I’ll just have to kill you all and I wouldn’t want any of you dying.” I flash them a toothy smile. “Even though I am still a wee bit hungry.” Weapons drop and the birds cower in fear. I walk into the bunker uncontested.

I waste thirteen more soldiers as I make my way deep into the building. I don’t even use my guns; I just swing at them when they close in on me. Damn, I need to work out more, my arms are sore already from swinging Jeff and… Slendy. I look at the now named sword, nice to meet you Slendy. Wanna go stab some people with me? Oh and slice, dice and slash too? OK then let’s go. I chuckle at Jeff, Slendy isn’t even real and he’s already making poor Jeffery jealous.

I cut my way through the maze of a cavern until I find the bunker within a bunker, a concrete bomb shelter with only one door, what kind of fool would design this place with such a fatal flaw? I burn down the door with honey (What’s that old phrase? Horrendously kill more corrupt Griffins with honey than with Molotov cocktails. Or was it something with flies and vinegar? Never mind, it’s not important.) and waltz in like I own the place. “Good afternoon gentle faggots,” I start too say in the underground bunker. “And goodnight motherfuckers.” I finish in the dungeons underneath Canterlot.

/\/\

A few ShadowBolts take care of binding the Griffin militia leaders and tossing them in cells while I contact Celly to tell her what happened. In five minutes She, Luna, Shining, and Cadance meet up with me.

Shining and Celly do a bit of good cop/ psycho rapist maniac on the first few guys but can’t get anything out. Cadance tries flirting but finds out that Griffin guys dislike pony girls. After watching Sergeant Nite Hawk (The same fucktard that arrested me and let Blueballs get away) beat the BloodGulch tribe leader half to death and still get no answers I am forced to intervene.

“Stop that shit, Goddammit! Don’t you know how to torture someone to elicit information correctly?”

Nite Hawk, Tia, Luna, And Cadance all shake their heads. Shining has already left to perform other duties.

“Well then, lemme show you the ropes.” I conjure a pair of pliers, a candle, and a dildo the size of my forearm and walk over to the MadDrakes leader. “Small joint manipulation is one of my personal favorites…” I say as they gather around me to watch as I bend and crush the Griffin’s toes.

Remember when I said that today would be a fun day? Oh God am I enjoying myself at the moment!

Aponylypse now
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Aponylypse now

I wake up in a wonderful mood; my beautiful wife is curled up in my arms, Starbright and Thaddeus are at the side of my bed trying to wake me up, and the horrendous torment I caused Manuel last night is still playing through my mind. If the coffee’s good I’ll chalk this up as a perfect morning.

I look down at the twins, little rascals, and think about Thaddeus. He’s still a baby and his brother can already walk, talk, and set shit on fire with his horn. “Hmm…’ I pick them both up and concentrate.

“AHHHH!” they both wail, waking Twilight up and scarring the shit out of me. They stop yelling and start playing with each other. They’re just fine.

“Wha, what just happened?” Twilight asks, fearing the boys are somehow horrendously injured.

“Calm down Twi, the boys are fine. Thaddeus just… grew up a bit is all.”

Twilight looks at our baby turned toddler. “What?”

“Mama, dada, motherfucker!” the twins shout. Twi facehoofes and I quickly erase that particular word from the boys’ vocabulary.

“You see, what I did was age Thaddeus three years. Now he and Starbright are both about four in a half in both mind and body, from what I can tell they will grow and develop, mentally and physically, at the same pace from now on. This way they can grow up together like they should.” I explain all this to Twilight as she groans under her breath.

“Fine, I guess this will have to do. It’s not like I can make you reverse it… wait can I make you reverse it?”

“Not a chance in hell.”

“Even if I,” She whispers into my ear.

“Still no, also, why the fuck would you consider that a treat for me?”

“Well I enjoyed it last time so I figured you did too.”

“Twi,” I say firmly. “Rarity is still pissed off at us about doing it at the boutique, the mayor threatened to imprison me, and no construction company will rent jackhammers or sell me demolition grade explosives anymore. Besides my ass still hurts from that.”

“Really?” she asks. “Two months later and it still hurts?”

“Yep, it hurts when I shit, burns when I pee, and for some reason my heart flutters every time I see a lawn chair.”

“Interesting.” Twilight ponders the scientific value of this data. “How about this?” she whisper something else, something much more kinky and pleasurable, into my ear.

“Still no.”

Dammit!”

“Dammit! Dammit!” the twins begin to shout, making their mother bury her face in her hooves and their father laugh and feel proud.

“Come on all of you,” I say as I get out of bed and levitate a pair of boxers on to my naked body. “I’m making waffles!”

“Yay! Woffels!” the boys shout as they and Twi follow me to the kitchen. My family sits down at the table as I cook breakfast for them all.

‘Jeffery’s gone.’ I hear a voice tell me. ‘He up and left your mind, we don’t know where he’s gone to or why.’ I recognize Dulcie’s voice and grin.

‘So be it. I was getting tired of the bastard anyway,’ I toss the first cooked waffle onto Twilight’s plate and start cooking a second one. ‘I’m glad he’s gone.’

‘Aren’t you worried about where he’s gone?’

‘Nope, not in the least. He’s someone else’s problem now.

/\/\/\/\

A hundred miles away, sitting in her room princes Celestia sneezes loudly.

“Ugh, I feel miserable; I must be coming down with something.” She blows her nose and prepares to raise the sun. “Careful, careful, oh good lord. Why can’t I keep this up? It keeps dipping lower… oh God!”

/\/\/\/\

A mile and a half away, in an apple orchard a large, red stallion chats with his husband and partner as they head out to check the apple trees.

“Sure is hot out Macky.”

“Eeyuup, I reckon it’s gonna be a hot week. We better go ahead and ask Lafe about that irrigation setup he said he could make us. Hey Carmel, you Ok? You don’t look so good. Carmel? Carmel!” Macky runs over to his fallen friend and lover. He’s still alive but he’s burning up. Now that he thinks about it, he’s sweating bullets at the moment too. Macky carries Carmel to his house and nearly breaks down the door getting in. “Shy? Shy! Where ar ya Shy, I need you! Carmel’s collapsed, I don know what’s wrong.” A light yellow mare walks into the kitchen to see what’s the matter and gasps at the sight before her eyes. She rushes to her husbands’ sides and places a damp cloth on Carmel’s head. “Oh dear Celestia,” Macky prays. “Please let ’im be OK, please let ’im be OK.”

/\/\/\/\

Back at my house I’m knocked out of my chair by a strong right hook out of nowhere. I sit up and feel my bruised eye.

“That’s for never calling me, asshole!” Pinkie shouts at me. “Oh, hi Twilight! How are you?”

“Uh?”

“Oh that’s nice; well I hafta go now, my Pinkie sense is tingling; shaky hoof, dry mouth, itchy plothole, and the sun dropping steadily. Yep, we’re all fucked!”

I try to ask what the fuck she was talking about but she was already gone. I look at my wife who just shrugs.

“Pinkie Pie.” We both say and settle the matter.

The heat is on
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The heat is on

“Oh, God it’s hot out today.” Twilight bitches as we walk into town. I just smile and nod, the heat doesn’t affect me anymore so nothing seems out of the ordinary… well besides Pinkie’s sudden visit and AJ sprinting up to use.

“Hurry…Now…Mah brother… Sumthing’s wrong… Follow meh.” Applejack gasps for air between each word and starts to head back to Sweet Apple Acres as soon as she spits out the last of her message. Thinking of how long it would take us to run or even drive to the farm I take the quicker option and just teleport us all to Mac’s homestead.

We land right outside the kitchen door and a sweat covered Big Mac runs out to greet us.

“Carmel passed out earlier while we were in the farm, Shy’s tryin’ but he won’t wake up. Can you help?” he explains the situation quickly and looks at me desperately.

“I’ll see what I can do.” I walk past Mac and into the kitchen where Fluttershy is sobbing and asking Caramel to wake up. I kneel down beside her and start taking the tan stallion’s vitals. “Calm down now everybody,” I say as Flutters hyperventilates next to me and Mac and AJ pray fervently by the table. “It’s just a case of heatstroke, not even a serious one at that. Twilight, come here.” She walks over and stands next to me. “You’re a doctor, right?”

“Well, I do have a PHD in medical sciences but I’ve never actually worked in a clinic or…”

“Do you know what needs to be done to treat heatstroke in a pony?”

“Yes, but I don’t think that I could actually do it,”

“Don’t worry about that part; just tell me step by step what to do and I can do it.”

“OK then,” Twilight proceeds to instruct me on what medications to push intravenously and how to lower Caramel’s body temperature back to normal. I follow her directions to the word and within ten minutes our patient is awake and well again.

“Oh thank Celestia!” Mac says triumphantly as he and Flutters both embrace Caramel. “An thank you two as well, I don know what we’d of done if ya weren’t here.” Mac kisses Caramel on the cheek and looks ecstatic as he thanks us, Caramel just looks tired.

“How come you’re so good at all that Lafe?” AJ asks me curiously. “Here I was thinkin you used ta be a writer, an now ya become a doctor at the flip of a hat.” She eyes me suspiciously.

“Chill out AJ, I was a paramedic when I was in college; it’s like one step under a doctor. I still remember how to start IV’s and push drugs and help people, or in this case ponies.”

“Well Ok then, just seemed odd to me… oh, I’m not feeling so well now.” Applejack falters but I catch her.

“Right now I want everyone in this room to drink a gallon of water, we’re all dehydrated from this damn heat and I don’t want anypony else getting heatstroke,” I look over at the door as it opens. “Perfect timing Dash, you drink up too and after you’ve gotten some water in you I need you to fly over to Ponyville and warn them about the risk of dehydration and heatstroke. Tell everypony to drink plenty of water whenever they feel even a little thirsty and to not stay outdoors or in direct sunlight for too long if they can help it. If anypony feels faint, dizzy, weak, or anything along those lines have them taken to the hospital immediately. Got it?”

“Uh, OK,” the multicolored Pegasus stares at me blankly. “I just came over because I saw Applejack running into town like something was wrong. What’s up?”

“Caramel passed out from the heat,” Fluttershy explains quietly.”Lafayette and Twilight came over as soon as Applejack found them and helped out.” The shy Pegasus resumes nursing her husband and passing out glasses of water to us all.

“Hmm, well it does seem to be really friggin hot out today, I’ll see if the weather factory knows anything.”

“After,” I remind her. “You warn the town about the heat.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” she waves me off as she walks out the door. “I’ll get it done alright!” she flies off into the sky and veers left to avoid Derpy Whooves who is making her rounds as mailpony. Derpy lands roughly outside and brings a mouthful of letters for Big Mac. Mac takes the mail, mostly bills, and Flutters offers Derpy a glass of water and warns her of the heat.

“Yep, I noticed it was a hot one when I went up to Cloudsdale this morning, boy was it warm up there! I wasn’t there for five full minutes and I was already sweating pretty badly. Well have a good day everypony, I got to finish my rounds.” She smiles while looking at Flutters and me simultaneously, left eye at Shy and right eye at I, and leaves.

“Make sure to drink plenty of water derpy!” Twilight calls out to the somewhat ditzy mare.

“Ok, will do!” she replies.

I look over and see Caramel trying to stand up. “Here, lemme help you up.” I say as I walk over to him. He grunts and manages to stand once I lift him by the chest.

“Do ya think ya could help me over to the sofa?” he asks me.

“Sure thing.” I tell him as I half walk; half carry him over to the couch. Damn, he may look lean but he must weigh two hundred pounds easily, maybe more. We reach the couch and I help him sit down.

“Much obliged.” He tells me.

I notice a thermometer on the wall and squint at its reading. “Twi, what is the record high around here on the summer?”

“Righ at one forty. Why do you ask?”

“Well according to this we just hit one sixty five and are still going up.”

“That’s not good.”

I remember Caramel’s gratitude and turn back to him.

“Think nothing of it; well we’d better get headed now. I think I know what’s going on with this weird heat. Bye guys.” I wave to Mac, Flutters, and AJ and pat Caramel on the shoulder. “You all make sure to drink plenty, make sure the kids do to.” They nod as Twi and I teleport back not to the library, but instead to the throne room of Canterlot castle.

“Twilight, go home and watch the boys for me while I deal with this mess.” I crouch down and look her in the yes for a second before kissing her softly. “If something should happen just call for the GreenWinds and a girl named Dulcie, if I fail to fix this they can. Understand me?” she nods and I kiss her again. “I love you Twilight, I love you and our boys so damn much, never forget that and never let them forget it. I’ll see you later… sort of.” I kiss her one last time, I fear it may really be my last time kissing her, and send her home before she can argue or even speak.

I stand up and turn to see Celestia on her throne, or should I say Soulless Sun?

Sweet home Ponyville
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Sweet home Ponyville

I stand up and turn to see Celestia on her throne, or should I say Soulless Sun?

/\/\/\

Meanwhile back in Ponyville

\/\/\/

“Thanks for coming over Rarity, Toby, I’m really worried.” Twilight tells her friends as the walk into the library.

“We came as soon as you called, darling,” Rarity says. “We’re always there when our friends need us.”

“That and you have a working air conditioner here.” Tobias adds to the sentiment.

“Shush dear,” Rarity tells her husband as she sits down on a couch. “We’re here for Twilight, now what seems to be the matter, darling?”

“Well, I kind of just need another unicorn to bounce ideas concerning Lafe’s magic off of.” Twilight tells the white mare.

Toby takes a seat next to his pregnant wife and rests his head against the arm of the sofa, in just a few minutes he’s sound asleep.

“Don’t pay any mind to him, Twilight,” Rarity motions towards Toby. “Mules aren’t accustomed to such heat as this. I fear it’s really taking a toll on him, poor thing. So what was it that you wanted to talk about?”

“Just that actually, the heat I mean. Lafayette has taught me everything I need to know about humans in order to raise and take care of Thaddeus,” Twi points at the boy who is busy and content building block towers and demolishing them with his brother. “Lafe told me that a normal human can only stand so high of temperatures, that they will dehydrate faster than they could replenish their body’s store of water at around a hundred and forty degrees Fahrenheit. It’s pushing a hundred and eighty now; all the ponies are starting to feel the effects of the heat, just look at Toby.” Twilight points at the sleeping, sweating donkey.

“I see what you mean about the heat, but I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean about Thaddeus.” Rarity cocks her head and awaits an explanation.

“So my point is that I’m concerned about Thaddeus!” Twilight shouts in frustration causing the boys to look up and momentarily awaking Tobias. “Heheh,” the purple unicorn laughs nervously. “Sorry for yelling, it’s just that if Thaddeus can’t take this heat it could make him really ill or even kill him and I’m not sure what to do.”

“Why don’t you just alter his body like you did with your hubby?” the seamstress asks.

“Because I can’t, Lafayette controls his magic through his thoughts, not through spells, so when I tried it on him his body let my mind use my magic the same way. I just thought of changing his flesh and then did it without even coming up with a spell and I haven’t been able to do anything like that since.” Twilight explains.

“Hmmm,” the pregnant mare hums quietly as she thinks. “I have a thought; Lafayette delivered Thaddeus himself did he not?”

“Well yes, but I’m not sure where you’re going with…”

“And the delivery was after Lafe acquired his magical abilities was it not?”

“Yes Rarity it was after the moon incident but…”

“Now think darling, some of Celestia’s magic went into Lafe, some of his went into you, couldn’t be a possibility that some has flown directly into young Thaddeus?”

“Oh… I guess that might have happened.” Twilight says thoughtfully. “And Lafayette did tell me once that all humans have natural magic in them but that they can only access it after great pain, suffering, or loss has inflicted itself upon them.”

“And don’t you think all that your husband has been through was enough to activate both his and his son’s powers?”

“Yes, yes that makes sense, Thaddeus!” Twi calls to her son who walks over.

“Yes mama?” he says cheerily.

“Could you hold you good hand out for me?” Thaddeus extends his right hand to his mother. “And now your other hand, please.” The toddler raises his left hand and Twilight tries to grasp it only to have her hoof slip through her son’s palm. His hand shimmers and changes colors for a second, from the light peach of a Caucasian’s flesh to the hazel/ green of both his and his father’s eyes. Rarity gasps. “What’s wrong Rarity? Twilight asks.

“Look at his eyes!’ her friend instructs her. Twi shifts her gaze from Thaddeus’ magical hand to his eyes.

“What’s wrong with them? Twi asks the mare sitting next to her.

“One is green and the other is brown!”

“Oh don’t worry Rarity, they’ve always been that way, Lafe’s eyes are like that too.”

“Yes, I know that but they just started to glow and the colors swapped eyes!”

“Huh, well that’s not normal, maybe…” Twi’s pondering of her son’s odd abilities is interrupted by a knock on the door. She gets up and walks over to answer it. She finds a very distraught Mayor Mare outside.

“Twilight!” the mayor of Ponyville shouts hurriedly. “We need you to come with us and help, it’s emergent!”

“What’s wrong Mayor?”

“Something’s appeared, a creature outside of town, down by Froggy Bottom Bog, we need you to help.”

“Uh OK,” Twilight hesitantly agrees. “Rarity, could you watch the boys while I’m gone?”

“Certainly, darling.” Rarity says.

“Well then, lead the way miss Mayor.” Twilight follows the gray haired politician outside and waves goodbye to Thaddeus and Starbright as she goes. The door slams shut waking Tobias once more.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

“Oh, nothing out of the ordinary, dear.” Rarity assures him. “Somepony just found a demon or a monster or some such thing down at the Bog and Mayor Mare stopped by to ask for some help on the matter. We’ll be staying here and watching the boys while she’s out.”

“OK then.” Tobias lays his head back down and begins to snore softly once more.

Soulless Sun
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Soulless Sun

I stand up and turn to see Celestia on her throne, or should I say Soulless Sun?

“Beautiful day isn’t it?” I ask the demonized version of Celestia in front of me. “A bit warm for my liking, but what can you do? It’s not like someone raises the sun and controls the temperature or anything,” I pour sarcasm into my voice and my lips curl into a smile when Soulless Sun glares at me. “Oh wait a tic! Someone can do that, and by someone I mean you.” I walk up until I’m standing just a foot away from her. “So tell me Celly, why the fuck are you trying to kill us all today? Did we offend you? Did we prove to be evil and in need of cleansing by fire? Did somepony piss in your cheerios and kick your puppy?”

“You have done nothing of the sort, but he has.” Celestia’s mouth moves but it is not her voice that comes out.

“Shit.”

/\/\/\

In the other end of the Canterlot castle princess Luna is relaxing in her room, drinking a bottle of Mac’s hard cider, munching on a moon pie, and trying to beat her high score on her favorite video game.

“150, 765,982,340 points,” She reads the score aloud in excitement. “150, 765,982,596 points, soooo close! Only another fifty points aaannnddd….” Her attempt at calling her achievement out as it occurs is ruined by a scream, a loud crash, and a human sized figure soaring through the wall of her room and into her entertainment center.

“…” Luna stares, mouth open and eyes wide, at the figure as he lifts himself up and out of the debris and brushes some dust off of his sleeve. The human projectile, who Luna now recognizes as none other than sergeant Lafayette Ryder, steps out of the ruined wooden shelving and starts towards the door. When he notices Luna he nods his acknowledgement of her and mumbles under his breath.

“Your sister is really pissing me off.”

With that non sequitur he opens the door and leaves a shell shocked princess of the night behind to gape at her precious electronic activities which are now broken beyond either recognition or repair.

“Motherbucking plothole!” Luna finally screams into the abandoned hallway a minute later before going back to mourning her losses.

\/\/\/

I walk back through a labyrinth of corridors and hallways until I reach the throne room again. Celestia is still sitting on her throne and smiling just as she was when she knocked me halfway to Bufu fucking Egypt with her goddamn magic.
She sees me and her horn lights again in preparation to blast me away again but I have a few tricks up my ass…er… my sleeve I mean.

“Well,well,well,” she says mockingly. “Have a nice trip? Enjoy the fall? Suck any juicy cocks?” I ignore the odd questions and shout at her.

“Fuck this Jeffery, imma just kill this stupid bitch and you at the same time!” I charge Soulless sun and tackle her as she stands to confront me. Wrestler’s instinct kicks in and I drop low, catch her in a perfect double-leg blast, and slam her into the ground. She gasps first as the air is knocked straight out of her and then again as I fall onto her side.

“I really fuckin’ hate you Jeffery, but I’d rather have you in my mind where I can keep an eye on you and control you than have you out and about raping minds and fucking up shit wherever you go!” I grab a hold of Celestia’s horn in my left hand, causing her to moan in pleasure, and siphon off all the evil in her mind into my own.

I start to seize as I finish sucking the extra personalities from Celestia, I’m only used to having three in my mind and having six is sending me into overload. I thrash around on the floor until Dulcie’s voice calms me down a bit. I shift through my thoughts as I lie on the cold stone of the throne room floor and take account of everyone in my mind.

Me.

Dulcie.

Dallas.

Jeffery, who is part of me. Or maybe I’m a part of him… whatever.

Soulless sun, who I lock into a dust, cobweb filled corner of my mind.

Half of Molestia, the ‘rape and skullfuck everyone’ part.

Half of Trollestia, the ‘kill everyone ’cause that would be hilarious part. This fuses with the half of Discord in my mind to create a fully chaotic personality that I dub /B/.

And strangely I find another personality I don’t recognize, this anomaly flees my inner eye before I can scrutinize it but remains somewhere in my mind.

I shake off the unexpected crowding of my mind and sit up. Across from me Celly lies smoking a cigar.

“That,” she tells me. “Was hot.”

I rub my eyes tiredly and stand up.

“Fix the goddamn sun and buy your lil sis a new wall and some new video games, I’m going home.” I say quietly.

“Bye…” Celly starts to say more but I leave her midsentence; I just want to go home at the moment.

<><><>

By the time I get back to Ponyville the sun has returned to where it should be in the sky and the temperature is back to normal. I land right outside of the library and walk in to find Rarity and a sleeping Toby watching the boys. I look at them blankly. Rarity taps her husband on the shoulder waking him up and returns to playing with the boys.

“Oh, you’re home. Well twilight’s out and about, seems Mayor Mare needed her to help with something important. We were already here so she asked us to foalsit for you.” Toby tells me before nodding off to sleep again.

“Thank you.” I say gloomily. “I think imma just head to bed.” I tell them. Rarity smiles at me and the boys say goodnight.

I drag myself into my room where I fall onto the bed and straight to sleep without even undressing or getting under the covers. I dream about Lizzie’s funeral, about Dulcie’s (My daughter not the angel) death on a motorcycle, about some random fella offing himself in the night.

Needless to say my slumber wasn’t very restful.

Viktor something-or-other
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Viktor something-or-other

<><><><><>

“Well then, lead the way miss Mayor.” Twilight follows the gray haired politician outside and waves goodbye to Thaddeus and Starbright as she goes. The door slams shut behind them as the two mares start to walk through the streets of Ponyville.

“So what kind of creature is this that you’ve found at the bog?” Twilight asks her older companion as they head out of the small town.

“We aren’t quite sure, one of the CMC came running into my office a while ago shouting about a big, ugly, hairy ape thingy in the bog and then just a few moments later Dr. Whooves informed me of a slender being out by the Whitetail woods. I was hoping that you would go along with me to meet these creatures seeing as how you know humans best.”

“So you think they’re humans?”

“Well, to be honest, I just don’t know Twilight. From what was described it may be possible but I’m not sure, so I would like you to accompany me to speak with them and if need be restrain them.”

“You fear that they may be violent?”

“No, I’m just being cautious; I’d rather not have a rabid orc or an angry human attack me.”

“OK then, well we’re about here, where was he at?”

“I’m right here.” the two mares freeze in their tracks as a gruff voice speaks in broken English right behind them. Twilight turns to look at Mayor Mare who turns to look at the creature behind them.

“You two little horsies looking for me?” Twilight looks over her shoulder to see the speaker; he is indeed a human and a rank smelling one at that. He looks down at her and smiles revealing a mouthful of rotten teeth and some very rancid breath.

“Y...y…Yes,” Mayor Mare says shakily. She turns around fully to speak to him, Twilight does so as well. “We came here to welcome you to the land of Equestria and offer that you may stay in our town for the time being.” The mayor of Ponyville smiles nervously at the large man. The large man just stares at the two diminutive equines before him.

“Do you have any vodka in your town?” he asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Absolutely!” Mayor Mare assures him. “We have our own brewery that makes some of the best alcohol in the nation.”

The man considers this for a second, fingering his beard as he does, and smiles.

“Lead the way little horsie.” He says.

Twilight and Mayor Mare walk back to town followed by the man, whose name they learn to be Viktor something or other. The Mayor ditches Twi when they near the town hall and tells her to make Viktor ‘at home’ in Ponyville and that she has other important ‘things and stuff’ to do. Twilight leads Viktor back to the library and offers him a seat once they’re inside. Rarity looks at Viktor with curiosity and speaks to Twilight.

“Darling, Lafayette came home just a few minutes ago, he’s in bed resting.”

“Oh,” twilight exclaims. “Well then I’ll go wake him.” She turns to Viktor. “Would you excuse me while I go get my husband, I think he can be a tremendous help with this situation.” Viktor nods to her as she leaves the room. He finds a sturdy chair and sits down slowly, his joints pop as he bends them. Rarity smiles at him and speaks. “Viktor was it?” the man in question grumbles to the affirmative. “I happen to be a seamstress, a world famous one at that, so if you plan to be staying here for a while I could make you some new clothes. Would you like that?” she asks him.

“Yes,” Viktor replies. “I would like that but I do plan on returning home as soon as I can, this place is… odd.”

<><><><><>

I sleep a deeply and uneasily with morbid and depressing dreams at every turn. I try to wake myself but I fail. I end up giving in and watching the deaths of all my loved ones play out.

I weep.

I’m in the middle of watching my daughter’s death for the hundredth time from yet another angle when I feel a hoof prodding my side. I silently thank God when I find that I can wake up and escape the tortured nightmares I was living and reliving just moments before. I open my eyes and see Twilight standing at the side of our bed. I reach out, grab her, and pull her into a hug. My actions startle her but she soon hugs me back. I kiss her a few times and start crying softly.

“I love you,” I whisper into her ear.

“I love you too.” She tells me.

I’m not sure why but her statement seems to snap me out of this random depressive funk I’m in.

“So how was your day?” I ask jokingly.

“Oh, pretty good,” she replies. “I found one human out at Froggy Bottom Bog and there is a good chance that there’s another somewhere in Whitetail woods.”

I sit straight up and look at her.

“What did you just say?”

To Russia with love
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

To Russia with love

To Russia with love

I walk into the library with Twilight and address Viktor in Russian.

-Hello, I’m sergeant Lafayette Ryder.-

Viktor stands up and shakes my hand.

-Viktor Kalashnikov at your service, sir.-

He sits back down one his chair and Twi and I sit together on a love seat. Viktor looks from me to twilight to Thaddeus.

-Did you two…-

-Yes, deal with it.-

-Sorry, didn’t mean to offend.- he switches to English.

“Would either of you by any chance be able to send me home? He asks.

“Maybe, first I need to know the last thing you remember before you got here.”

“Why?”

“Well I got here after I died, if the same thing brought you here I can’t send you back if they know you’re dead.”

“Well fuck,” he swears. “Now that I think of it I’m pretty sure I did die.”

“How?”

“The last thing I remember is eating a piece of chicken and not being able to swallow or breath.”

“Ah, OK,” I say. “In that case I think I can send you back. When you get home I’ll make sure you aren’t choking alright, this will all just be a weird memory…”

“Actually, I’d prefer not to remember it at all.” he interrupts me.

“Fine, so anyway, you’ll be back, you won’t choke, and you won’t remember a thing about all of this. Sound good?”

“Sounds great.”

I hold Viktor by the shoulders and concentrate deeply.

“I smell bacon!” Thaddeus shouts and I look up to see that Viktor is no more and that the room does in fact smell of bacon.

“I sure hope that guy’s OK.” Toby says without much emotion.

“Don’t be silly, dear,” Rarity scolds him. “I’m positive that Lafayette knew what he was doing and that Viktor is fine… Right Lafayette?”

“Nope,” I confess. “I’m with Toby boy on this one, I have no clue how that spell worked or if our Russian comrade is alright. I’ll be praying for him though.” I close my eyes for a few brief moments. “OK, praying’s done; let’s go find this other human. Rarity, Toby, would you two mind watching the boys for a while longer for us?”

“Of course darling.” Rarity agrees.

“Bye.” Twilight and I say as we leave.

“Good luck!” Rarity calls out to us.

“Bye bye momma,” Starbright shouts.

“Bye bye daddy,” Thaddeus hollers.

We wave at them all and start walking towards Whitetail woods.

<><><>

On another world, in another time a slightly obese Russian man in great need of a shower sits picnicking in a local park with his family.

-Pass the chicken please Nicolai- he asks his youngest child in his native tongue.

-Here you go papa- the boy says as he hands over a wicker basket filled with home cooked fried chicken.

-Thank you my boy- the man pats his son on the head with one hand and holds a chicken leg with the other.

-This is very good chicken…- he starts to tell his wife but a bone lodged in his throat stops him from finishing. He tries to cough or even breathe but fails to do so, all he can manage is to clench at his throat as the lack of oxygen starts making him dizzy. His son starts smacking him on the back but it’s too late. The man keels over and lays there for a second before his oldest son rolls him over and forcefully removes the chicken that his father was choking on. The man’s wife starts to administer CPR while his only daughter sobs and prays. His boys stare at him for a moment and the younger of the two joins his sister in tear while the eldest fights back the feminine emotions he’s felling.

-Is he OK- someone shouts from the sidewalk.

-NO- the eldest boy shouts back. -He’s choked on some chicken, I got it out but now he’s not breathing- the man who was shouting jogs over as fast as his elderly body can carry him.

-I am a doctor- he says. -Let me see him-

The dying man’s wife removes herself from her husband’s body and the doctor goes to work. A minute later the family fears the worst but a hacking cough relieves them of their worry.

-Are you OK, sir- the doctor asks the man.

-Yes, yes, just fine- the man replies. -Thank you so much, you saved my life-

-Think nothing of it sir, it’s what I do- the doctor says as he walks away.

The man’s family crowds around him, weeping in joy and hugging him.

-Did you see heaven, dear- asks the man’s wife.

-No- he admits. -I fell into a world of brightly colored, talking horsies and met a man married to a unicorn that sent me back here- the man stops speaking when he sees the worried expressions of his family. -I blame the vodka- he points at a near empty bottle that he had been drinking earlier. -I think I’m going to quit- the members of his family smile and return to their meal. The man finishes his chicken but takes care to chew each bite very thoroughly before swallowing it.

-Talking colored ponies and a man of magic- he thinks to himself, -How utterly ridiculous- and forgets such odd things for good.

<><><>

Twi and I reach the woods and spend very little time looking for the next human, we find him lying in a ditch passed out after just five minutes of searching. I pick him up and carry him home on my shoulders.

Once we’re back at home Rarity and Toby leave and I put the young man we found in the guest bed. He’s still out cold and we decide not to wake him.

“I’m sure he’s been through plenty, good chance he’s in shock. We should let him rest and talk to him whenever he gets up on his own.”

Night draws close so we eat and put the boys to bed. Just as Twilight is about to go to bed herself we hear him waking up. He walks slowly through the hallway, nervously looking into every room, until he sees us.

“Hello,” I say in a pleasant tone. “Have a seat.” I nod towards the various chairs and furniture in the room. He sits down and twiddles his thumbs a bit before speaking.

“Where am I?” he stutters badly but I assume it’s just from the shock of being here.

“You’re in Equestria.”

“You are you two?”

“I’m sergeant Lafayette Ryder and this is my wife Twilight Sparkle.” He looks confused and a little disturbed at my introduction but shakes it off.

“How’d I get here?”

“Well now that I don’t quite know. What’s the last thing you remember doing before you landed here?”

“I…” he falters and stops short.

“It’s OK,” Twilight calmly reassures him. “You can tell us.”

“I… I shot myself, I committed suicide.” He chokes back tears and buries his face in his hands.

“Why would you do that?” Twilight asks aghast at such a notion. I just look at this man, this boy more likely, and think ‘Damn, he looks familiar’.

“I just couldn’t take it,” he starts explaining. “Every day the people at school would torture me, every night my own father would berate me and tell me I was no son of his. Finally I got feed up and ended it, buts it seems like I couldn’t even do that right.” He breaks down and bawls now.

“Son,” I say and he looks up at me. “What’s your name?”

He catches his breath and speaks.

“Turner, my name is Dallas Turner.”

F@ckbuddies or friendship?
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

F@ckbuddies or friendship?

I hold Twilight close to me and try to sleep. I can’t, it seems as if my only escape from the worries of my consciences world is determined to elude me tonight. My insomnia is partially from the excitement of the day but mostly from the emotions swimming around inside me are just overwhelming; one of the voices in my head was here and real. The personality I had grown so fond of, so comfortable with, and so attracted to is now sleeping in the next room in a beautiful young man’s body. I bite my knuckle and then press my face into Twi’s furry neck in an attempt to forget or at least ignore the lust within me. I love Twilight, I really, truly do, and I could never think of cheating on her, but the embodiment of everything I have ever desired is crying himself to sleep not ten feet away from me and I’m sure he would appreciate a shoulder to cry on.

‘NO!’ I think to myself angrily. ‘I’d never betray Twilight by…’ my thoughts wonder off as I realize I have already lusted after others and even had a few during my marriage with the lavender unicorn. ‘Damn…’ I let go of Twi and look at my hands in disgust. ‘Why did I do that?’

‘Because you wanted to,’ a sensuous feminine voice in my thoughts tells me. ‘Because you could, because you had an opportunity and you capitalized on it, right at this moment a very youthful opportunity awaits you, but you’re not going to take it because you fear the repercussions. Don’t think about the consequences, Lafayette, instead think about the rewards! Dallas’ body, and Twilight’s love, oh, and did you ever stop and consider that Twilight may be pleased by a little love triangle?”

I sit up on the side of the bed and push the rogue thoughts away, I can empathize for Celestia now, Molestia isn’t just a screaming nymphomaniac, she’s a wily trickster, using logic and reason to persuade her host rather than lust or force. No wonder Celly gave into her so often.

I rise from the bed and leave the room quietly, so as to not wake my sleeping wife, and walk into the kitchen for a glass of water. Yes a glass of water, nothing more nothing less… well maybe I’ll stretch my legs a bit and hit the john, oh while I’m up I might as well check on Dallas. Just knock on the door and ask how he’s holding up, don’t go in don’t… Dammit!

Dallas opens the door wearing nothing but a pair of pink boxers when I knock. His eyes are red and puffy and he’s trying to calm himself by taking in large, gasping breathes of air. He nods to me and returns to his bed, sitting down and patting a spot next to him on the mattress where I can sit also. I hesitate at the door for a second but before I can stop myself I’m already walking over, sitting down beside, and embracing the poor lad. He cries into my chest for a few solid minutes as I whisper quiet, calming things to him and rub his back gently. After a while he relaxes some, stops weeping, and just holds onto me.

“Why did I come here?” he whispers more quietly the Flutters when she’s nervous. I can’t make his words out at all until he looks me in the eye and repeats them. “Why am I here? I should be dead, I should be in hell or purgatory or somewhere! But not here.” he stares at my eyes and says something rather off topic before I can answer his previous question. “You have one green eye and one brown eye, how odd. I once met a girl with the same thing, Darcy or Daisy I think her name was. I met her the first day at a new high school; she was the only one that was nice to me,” I’m about to interrupt him when he pauses to say that it was probably my daughter, my Dulcie, but he continues with his story. “One day, one day and I got expelled. My dad got pissed and we had to move again to find a school I could go to, he had to quit his job and sell our new house and everything all because of me… I guess I am a terrible son.” He starts to sob again but I stop him with a gentle caress on the cheek.

“What happened?” I ask him. “Why were you expelled?” he turns bright pink and stays silent for a moment. Just when I think he’s not going to tell me he blurts it out in one long sentence.

“They tortured me, they found out I was gay and they decided to beat me up during lunch, they caught me in the locker rooms, beat me bloody, stripped me naked, and then duck taped me to the school flagpole.” He stops for a breath and resumes his retelling of what I assume to be the worst day of his life, it’s certainly worse than anything that happened to me in high school… well, maybe not. “A police officer saw me and called the principal and my parents. I had to be cut down from the pole by the fire department while all of my classmates, my teachers, a cop, and my parents watched. My dad didn’t even get mad at the boys who had done it, he got mad at me for making them do it, he said just that and called me a faggot in front of everyone too. I ran into the locker rooms to get my clothes and then I ran home. The next week we moved again, the week after that I… I ended up here.” he leans onto me and sniffles. “You guys don’t mind do you? You don’t care that I’m gay, you won’t hate me for it or make me leave will you?”

I smile at him. “Dallas, I’m married to a friggin’ pony, I’m not in a position to judge anyone.” He cracks a smile at this and I hug him tighter. “We don’t care, so long as you’re a good person. I know they’re a few folks around here who dislike gays but none so much that they would even call you out. So smile, be happy, you’re in a land of fucking magical rainbows and pink girly shit, you should feel right at home here!” he smiles a little wider. “Besides, that’s not the worst thing that could happen in high school by a long shot.” He looks at me suspiciously.

“Then what is?”

‘Oh shit.’ I think. I try and weasel out of an explanation but I can see in his eyes that he expects one.

“Well fuck,” I say “Fine, I’ll tell you but you have to Pinkie Promise never to tell anyone or pony or donkey, dragon, Alicorn, thing got it?”

“Sure.” He agrees and follows my instructions on how to perform a patented Pinkie Promise properly.

“So it was the end of senior year,” I begin telling him. I don’t even notice as I spin my tale but all of the sexual urges I had been feeling earlier towards Dallas were gone now, no, not gone just changed. I don’t see him as a partner now, I see him as more of a son instead.

It takes a good two hours to tell him my entire story and by the time I finish the first rays of Celestia’s sun are shining through the guest room window.

“Want some breakfast?” I ask him.

“Yes please.” He accepts.

We go into the kitchen and I cook up a bit of sausage I had procured through means of magic. We sit together and eat and chat. When Twilight awakes she finds us doing the dishes and talking like close friends.

‘Friend.’

I guess that’s a pretty good title for my new relationship with this admittedly beautiful, intelligent, young man who has been in my mind longer than he has even been alive.

‘Friend’ I’ll take that and call it a victory.

School daze
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

School daze

“So it was the end of senior year,” I begin telling him.

/\/\/\

Lizzie and I had been seeing each other for a while now and were already serious. I had realized awhile before this incident that she was the woman I loved and the one I would marry. We were practically inseparable, my friends joked that we were conjoined at the hips, and in a way they were right. Every day we hung out and every night we fucked, no, not fucked. We made love, because that was what it was. Every moment I held her in my arms was blissful, every kiss magic, and every orgasm wonderful. I loved her so damn much that it actually hurt me when we couldn’t be together. Lizzie had opened up to me all the way, she was comfortable being herself around me, but she was still shy and withdrawn around others and a lot of people gave her shit for that. After our little romp on the last day of junior year some nasty rumors had spread and she got the brunt of it. I tried to shut people up, I told good lies, I beat the shit out of assholes, but I couldn’t ever completely rid the bullshit she got. Lizzie was fine with it though; she had dealt with bullies before and now she had me to hold her afterwards and tell her all the lies were just that; lies.

Up until the last month of senior year things had gotten better, some cheerleader got knocked up, the vice principal got herpes, and a star quarterback got caught smoking dope and kicked off the team so the gossip mill was too busy with the new, juicy stories to remember about Lizzie. That was before Tyler got back from Colorado.

You see Tyler and I have always been enemies; back in middle school, when I was a fatty, he bullied me daily, freshman year he broke my leg, and then sophomore year he trashed my car. My life got better after he left, mainly due to Lizzie, but everything went to shit when he got back. He learned of what had happened junior year and had a good deal of computer skills, next thing we know there’s some porn flick with our faces edited in, rather sloppily, being sent around school. Anyone with half a brain could see it was a fake but most people, including our guidance counselor who we had a nice long chat with because of that, thought it was real.

It gets worse.

The police and the FBI got involved because they thought it was child porn, after they proved that not to be the case we had to endure seeing posters from the movie around town and in school.

Still not the worst part.

With only one week until the end of high school Tyler pulled off his biggest prank ever, and his last one ever. At lunch he came up to Lizzie and started calling her a whore, after a minute of insults he whipped his dick out and told her to suck it like the slut she was. I saw this from across the cafeteria where I was getting our food. I also saw him backhand her hard enough that it broke her cheekbone when she refused. That was all it took.

I charged him from across the room and tackled him into a table. I choked him, I hit him, I bashed his head into the wall, and I didn’t stop until he stopped breathing. No, wait, I kept going after he stopped breathing, I didn’t stop until his skull was completely busted open and a police officer tasered me. I woke up a day later handcuffed to a hospital be.

\/\/\/

“Holy hell.” Dallas says after I finish my story.

“Yep,” I tell him. “To this day I can’t believe that Lizzie stayed with me after that.” I look up and see the sun coming up. “Want some breakfast?”

Angels
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Angels

The day goes by quickly; Dallas and I talk, Twilight, the boys, and I eat, we find Dallas an apartment to live in until I can build him his own house, and then I spend some quality time with my family. Thaddeus and Starbright are growing so fast, they’ll both be enrolled in Ponyville elementary soon, and now they can already read and speak fluently. I guess I’m doing a pretty OK job at being a dad. We have some sort of casserole for supper, Thaddeus and I opted out and had bratwurst instead, and then we sit outside with Twi as she observes and records a meteor shower. The boys switch back and forth from playing to watching the falling stars to fiddling with the various pieces of equipment lying around and annoying their mother, I just lie back in a lawn chair (Gahh, my heart.), watch Luna’s night sky, and relax. Before I know it I’m drifting off and instead of Twilight’s voice I hear Dulcie’s.

“Hey there sleepy head,” She mocks me. “I have some great news.”

“And what would that be?” I ask.

“I’ll tell you in a bit, right now I have some other things to discuss with you.”

“OK, go.”

“Well,” she sits down on a lawn chair next to me and crosses her legs. “First off we have to do something about Jeff; we can’t just have him jacking around in your mind all the time.”

“It’s fine,” I cut her off. “I can control him now, just like all the others, just like you.”

She rolls her eyes at me and offers some gummy bears. “Sure, whatever you say. Second thing, we need to do something about your Parkin…”

“I’m fine,” I growl as I interrupt her a second time. “I am perfectly fucking fine, the only thing wrong with me is people thinking I’m not OK, got it?” I try to sound convincing but my unsteady hands give my bluff away. Dulcie frowns at me.

“Lafe, I’m just bringing these things up because I care about you, more than you realize, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. I’m sure all your friends feel the same.”

I grumble.

“Fine,” she sighs. “I’ll take your word for it that you’re OK, now the third thing; God is sending people here.”

“Why?”

“Remember that bible story about the great flood?”

“Yes.”

“Well he thinks it’s time for another one.”

“But he said…”

“What he said,” Dulcie corrects me. “Was that he would never flood the earth with water again.”

“So what is he planning to use this time?”

“Zombies.”

“Goddammit.” I facepalm.

“So anyway,” she continues. “He has decided to use Equestria as an ark.”

“So afterwards all the people will go back?”

“No, they will stay here permanently and start a human colony, God plans to put a new race of humans on Earth and try again. Oh, guess what?”

“What?”

“You were supposed to guess.” She tells me. I sigh.

“I get to be the leader of these people, build their colony, keep the peace, and uphold national relations?”

“Damn,” Dulcie says shocked. “You’re pretty good at guessing games.”

“Aw fuck me.” I mumble under my breath.

“Don’t think like that, think positive!” Dulcie tries and fails to lighten my mood.

“So when will these people start getting here?” I ask the angel.

“One will show up tonight, all the rest will start showing up next Tuesday.”

“And these are the people God chose to save because they’re good?”

“Nope, because they’re necessary.”

“Ugh,” I moan in frustration. I take a couple of breaths and calm down. “Since we’re talking about God, can I ask an important question?”

“Sure.”

“How does the big man feel about human/pony relationships of the… you know… sexy kind?”

Dulcie glares at me. “Lafe, bestiality is bestiality.”

“Aw shit, am I going to hell now?”

“No, actually if anyone gets in trouble for bestiality it’ll be Twilight.”

“What?”

“Ponies are three rungs up the evolutionary latter from humans,” Dulcie explains. “If anyone is fucking an animal it’s her.”

My jaw drops. “Well I guess Caila was right all those times she called men animals.” I say.

“Who is Caila?” Dulcie asks.

“Oh, an old dyke friend of mine.” I tell her.

“She sounds like a nice girl.” She tells me.

We sit together and watch the dreamscape flow for a few minutes before I break the silence.

“So who are we getting tonight?” I ask.

“Me,” she says slowly. “And your daughter.”

I look at her for a second until her words click. “But you said we’d only get one person tonight.”

“I did, you are.”

I stare at Dulcie. “How?”

“I died in the world I was comfortable in, remember I told you that already, and I became an angel in another world. I met Cameron there and helped him out. I fell in love with him. When my story there ended, not the story in the book you read, my story, I came here to guide you. Now that everything is in place God is giving me another life.”

I smile at the thought of having my daughter back but frown at something else. “All these years I’ve loved you Dulcie, not as a father but as a lover. You loved me back in the same way, but we…we’re…Oh God.”

“I didn’t know until just a while ago when God told me his plans. Neither of us knew so neither of us are to blame for our words or our, now regrettable, actions.” I look at her with tears in my eyes.

“What do we do now?” I ask.

“I land in the Everfree, you just need to wake up.”

“Wake up”

“Wake up Lafayette.”

“Wake up papa, you’ll miss the show!”

I wake up.

Dulcie’s gone and in her place are my boys and my wife trying to awake me so I can see the finale of the meteor shower. I sit up and think; Dulcie, daughter, Everfree, now. I look at my boys and smile; I look at Twi and tell her I’ll be right back.

I run.

My feet carry me to the entrance of the woods by Fluttershy’s old house, now a veterinary hospital, they carry me into and through the darkness, they carry me out the other side, they stop.

Standing in the moonlight is Dulcie, both my Dulcie and the angel Dulcie in one person, her wings stretch out to either side and her breastplate reflects the moonlight and the ripples of the water. I walk up to her, she looks at me, and we embrace. I cast a quick spell and suddenly we both forget all the things we’ve done together without the knowledge of our familiar bond, in their place we just remember joy.

“Dulcie Ryder,” I choke out. “I’ve missed you so much.

“Daddy,” she sobs. “I missed you too.”

I spread my wings and take my daughter’s hand, together we fly back to my home, to our home.

Father/ daughter bonding
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Father/ daughter bonding

When we get back home the meteor shower has already ended, the boys are both sound asleep in bed, and Twilight is sitting in the library reading a book and impatiently waiting for my return. I tell Dulcie to wait outside for a moment as I walk in.

“Twilight,” I say softly. She looks up from her book and frowns at me.

“About time you got back, I was worried something happened to you. You said you would be just a minute but it’s been an hour already.” She seems upset but at least she’s not mad at me.

“Something has happened Twi, something big.” I sit down next to her and stroke her mane gently. “Hey,” I call out to Dulcie. “Would you come in now?” the front door opens and my baby girl walks in nervously.

“Hi,” she says to Twilight with a little, halfhearted wave.

“Hi...” Twilight greets her back.

“Twilight,” I say. “You remember me telling you about my daughter right? This is her, this is Dulcie.” Twilight looks at Dulcie, Dulcie looks at Twilight, and no one says a thing for a long, tense few minutes.

“Want a chocolate?” My girl breaks the silence by offering her new mother in-law some sweets.

“Do they have caramel in them?” twilight asks quietly.

“Mmmhmm.” Dulcie answers.

Twilight levitates a few candies out of the bag and over to her. “I love caramel, the candy not the pony I mean.” I chuckle a little and then a lot, Twilight joins in and after a second Dulcie joins as well.

“Come on over Dulcie,” I tell her and pat the cushion next to me as we laugh. She sits next to me and smiles.

“Nice to meet you Dulcie,” Twilight says cheerfully. “Welcome to the family or welcome back I suppose, either way I’m glad to have you here.” Twilight sounds happy so I guess she’s OK with Dulcie being here.

“I’m glad to be here too, I’ve missed daddy a lot, I’ve missed mom a lot as well,” she sighs. “But now I’m back with daddy and I have a new mom,” she stops dead and her smile fades away. “Is it OK to call you that?”

“Absolutely Dulcie,” Twilight beams at my girl. “I’ve always wanted a daughter!”

The smile and the happiness return to Dulcie as she reaches over me to hug Twilight. “Thanks… mom, you wouldn’t believe how happy that makes me.” they hold on for a second and I decide to join in, embracing the two of them and grinning slightly. We sit like this for a while until one of the boys starts crying in their room.

“I’d better go check on them.” Twilight says apologetically. After she leaves to care for the boys I stand and stretch.

“Wanna go see your new room?” I ask her.

“Sure dad.” She stands and follows me to the guest bedroom.

“Sorry ’bout the mess, we just had someone stay here a few days ago.” Dulcie sits down on the unmade bed as I walk into the hallway to grab some things from a linen closet; I walk back in with an armful of pillows, blankets, sheets, and something else. I set the things on the bed and sit down next to my girl.

“Thanks,” she says while unhooking her breastplate.

“Nice armor, mine’s better.” She laughs and I grin. “Do you remember me at all?”

“Of course I do dad, I’ve been in your head for years and-”

“No, I mean do you remember me from when you were little? I know you were just a baby the last time I actually saw you but…” I sigh. “For two and a half years now I’ve worried that I’ve ruined your life by not being there, I know it wasn’t my fault that I died and there was nothing I could have done, but I still worried. I didn’t have to go on that third tour of duty you know, I agreed to it even though you had just been born, I thought I’d make it back, I was sure I would.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Yeah,” a tear rolls down my cheek and a few more follow as I give her what’s in my hand.

“A doll?”

“I bough that in Iraq,” I explain to her. “Swapped a man my lunch and dinner for it, his family ate that day and I had a present for you. I held onto it the entire time I was there, even had it in my pack when I went. I just couldn’t wait to be home, to see Lizzie, to see you. I’m sorry.” She leans over and hugs me.

“Dad?”

“Yes?”

“Look,” she pulls her breastplate off revealing a wifebeater under it and a stash of candy attached to the metal at the bosom. “Heh,” she giggles. “If I didn’t have such a flat chest I couldn’t store my sweets here, or this.” She pulls out a wrinkled, dog-eared, chocolate stained picture of me holding her as a baby and standing next to Lizzie. “Mom, Lizzie, gave me this when I was ten, I’ve had it on me ever since and when I died I guess it went with me too.”

“So what’s heaven like?” I ask her.

“I dunno, I just made it to the angel’s office in purgatory, they gave me an iPhone and my choice of attire, I actually had been wearing a skirt and fishnet stockings but they got, er, ripped so I swapped them out for these pants.”

“Wait, they have iPhones in heaven?”

“Yep, Steve Jobs got into a little beef with God and is spending some time in hell with Hitler and Mr. Rogers building tech for all the angels and saints.”

“Huh, so you know how I bit it but I still don’t know how you kicked the bucket. What the fuck happened?”

“My dumbass boyfriend stole his old man’s bike and told me he knew how to drive it, he didn’t. We were going sixty down a highway when he hit a rock or something and biffed it; he flipped the hog and ate some road while I went flying into the back of a semi. Not a great one year anniversary.”

“Hell, now I really regret being there, I woulda killed the little asshole after the first date!”

“Oh dad, he wasn’t that bad… OK fine, he was a fucking idiot and I could of done better but… he was really good in bed so… yeah.” I facepalm.

“I thought you liked girls, why couldn’t you have just been a good little dyke and not gotten killed by some fucktard with a stolen motorcycle?”

“He was the main reason I started liking girls, him and the other angels that took the ‘communal’ showers very seriously.” I laugh until I start snorting.

“Oh good God this is an odd conversation to be having with my daughter.”

“I can make it worse by reminding you that your all time favorite book has a sex scene with me in it!”

“You little troll, you!”

We sit there and laugh for five or ten minutes until I hear Twilight call me from my room.

“Well duty calls,” I joke. “If you need anything the bathroom is the second door on the right, the first is the boys’ room and the third is my room, don’t come in anytime from eleven to one if you know what’s good for you. Be up by four for breakfast and be ready to travel tomorrow, we have to go have a little chat with the princesses.” I lean over and kiss Dulcie on the forehead. “Goodnight Dulcie.”

“Goodnight daddy.”

I help her make the bed and then I leave so she can change and get some shuteye. I look back at my baby girl as I close the door and think ‘Now I can make up all that lost time, now I can have a real family, maybe now I can be happy.’ I walk down to my room and find Twilight in bed waiting for me.

“How’d it go?” she asks.

“Good,” I tell her. “She’s taking the change well, though she’s been through a few universes so it’s nothing new for her.” I strip down naked and slid under the covers next to my wife. Twi snuggles up to me and starts kissing me.

“How would you feel if I got an actual job?” I ask in the midst of a deep kiss.

“That would be fine so long as you save some time in the afternoon for the boys and some time at night for me.” She slips a bit of tongue in and I chuckle.

“I’ll always have time for my kids,” I say as I roll on top of Twilight. “And I’ll always have time for you.”

Necessary parts
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Necessary parts

Necessary parts

“Cakes on the griddle,
sizzlin’ a little,
an the sun’s in the middle,
Of the sky,
My wife,
My girl,
My boys,
My world,
An everything’s lookin’ up for I!”

I sing nonsensically as I flip pancakes and stir some scrambled eggs on the stove. The bacon’s already cooked and the biscuits are in the oven, if my half assed calculations are correct breakfast will be ready in five minutes and my family will be up in 5, 4, 3, 2, and…

“Morning sweetie,” Twilight greets me joyfully with a kiss.

“Mornin’ papa!” the boys shout enthusiastically.

“Mumbglumbelughnem, coffee, mummbelnurn, dad, ughmebel, sugar…” Dulcie mumbles drowsily as she sits down next to Twi and rests her head on the counter.

“Here,” I tell her as I pour a glass of spiked joe for her. “Have some of this, it’ll wake your lazy ass right up.” She takes a sip and spews it out.

"This is terrible!" She takes another sip and swallows it.

“What the hell is in this stuff?” she asks as she gulps down the contents of the mug.

“Whisky, vodka, a shot of Jägermeister, ginsing, a packet of pure caffeine, vicodin, amphetamines, hot sauce, chocolate, half a cup of sugar, oh and some ground up, boiled coffee beans too.” I answer as I down my own cup of the vial concoction.

“How…what…why…can I have some more please?”

“Sure thing, just never drink more than two cups in a day, it’ll play hell on your stomach.” I fill her glass again and start serving food. After everyone’s plates are filled I sit down, we say a quick prayer, and then begin eating.

“Twi,” I say, “can you get one of your friends to watch the boys while we are in Canterlot, I need you to come with us.”

“Um,” Twilight pauses mid chew to think, “Rarity isn’t doing anything today, she might be able to watch them. So what’s going on, why do you need me to come with you?”

“I’ll explain when we get there, it’s long and complicated and I’d rather not go over it more than once if I can help it.”

Twilight teleports over to our seamstress friend’s house while we finish eating and returns with both Rarity and Tobias in tow, I offer them breakfast and they sit with the boys as I prepare the truck.

“Two of us can fly and mom can jump through magical portals, why are we taking this?” Dulcie nods at the truck.

“I like driving, also I’m a shitty flyer, Derpy could beat me in any flight competition on a normal day.”

“You flew home with me just fine the other night.” She points out.

“That wasn’t a normal day now was it?” I respond as we walk back into the kitchen to say goodbye to the boys. “Rarity, Toby, I almost forgot, I’d like you to meet my daughter Dulcie.” The white mare smiles and her saggy old ass shakes Dulcie’s hand.

“With your fist wife I take it?” Toby inquires.

“Yep,” Dulcie confirms.

“Well thanks for watching the boys on such short notice, we’ll be back after dark, see ya.” I say and we head out.

I drive, Twilight rides shotgun, and Dulcie flies beside us on the way to Canterlot.

“Wouldn’t you be more comfortable riding?” I shout out the window to my daughter. She’s car surfing on the hood now and I can barely see past her.

“Nope,” she tells me, “I wanna fly for a bit, that alright?”

“Sure,” I yell to her, “Just one thing,” I slam on the brakes and watch her sail through the air and flail wildly. She rights herself and starts flying just in time to keep from faceplanting into the dirt road.

“ASSHOLE!!!” she yells at me. I can’t barely hear her over the noise of my laughter; even Twi’s cracking up a bit. I drive up to where Dulcie’s hovering and open a door.

“Get in already.” I tell her as she blows a raspberry at me. She hops in back and we start driving again.

Once in the capitol city we detour to twilight’s parent’s house.

“Might as well introduce them to their new granddaughter now.” I say.

We pull up next to their home to find them lounging about in lawn chairs (Oh, my chest!) and drinking Piña Coladas. They see us and wave as we get out of the car. Twilight trots over and hugs them both.

“Hey mom, hey dad, it’s good to see you again.”

“Good to see you to sweetie,” Says Dazzle, “so what brings you all here today?”

“We were headed to the castle to see princess Celestia and princess Luna,” I tell her and dad, “and we decided to stop by here to say hi and to introduce you to my daughter.”

“Hi,” Dulcie smiles and waves at the two relaxing ponies.

“Well hello dear,” Orion says to her, “when did you get here?”

“Just the other night,” Dulcie tells him, “God sent me here with a message for my father.”

“Gog sent you?” Dazzle asks curiously.

“Yep,” Dulcie shrugs her shoulders and rubs her right temple, her wings unfurl and a glimmering halo appears around her forehead, “I’m an angel, or was I guess. Anyway now I get to stay here with my dad and help out with the big plan God has in store for this world, don’t worry though, it’ll be fine.”

“Well good luck with that dear,” Orion kindly tells her. “See you all later.”

“Bye Honey,” Dazzle says to Twilight, “bye son, bye bye sweetie.” Dazzle then says to Dulcie and I.

We wave goodbye from the car and head off towards the castle.

“They were nice,” Dulcie says while adjusting her breastplate, “I wish I could have met my real grandparents, your parents dad, too bad they were both gone before I was born.”

“Yeah, too bad.” I agree without the slightest hint of sarcasm or anger.

We drive through the city and up to the main gates of the castle, we walk from there. When we get to the front entrance I walk up to a guard, I think the same one who tried to stop me when we came here to help Celly with the pony/Griffin skirmish, and announce myself.

“Sergeant Lafayette Ryder here to have counsel with the princesses over a vital matter of which they need to be aware.”

“Request denied, the princesses are in a peace summit with the Griffins and are not to be dis-”

“Fuck that.” I push the scrawny guard to the side and hold the door for Twi and Dulcie.

“HEY! You can’t just barge in the-” his words are lost under the noise of a slamming door.

Twilight guides us through corridors and hallways until we find the war room. Nine soldiers, three royal guardsponies, three ShadowBolts, and three Griffins in suits, stand at attention around the door and make sure no one interrupts the meeting taking place in the room past them. My right hand twitches wildly as I conjure my armor and fit it to my body. I hold the Honey Pot on my lower back, Slendy at my waist, and Jeff in my hand. I turn to my daughter and smile.

“I told you my armor was better!” she just scowls at me and rolls her eyes.

I extend Jeff to his full length and tap the stone floor with his handle to get the guards attention.

“I seek admittance into this peace sum-”

“Denied.” The nine soldiers speak simultaneously.

“Fuck that.” I say again as I sweep my arm over them and force them to a side. I open the door and walk into the midst of an intense debate; my wife and daughter follow me closely.

“I do apologize for interrupting,” I interrupt unapologetically, “but I must speak with the princesses at the moment and I’m quite certain that what I have to discuss with them is much more important than any of your menial issues.”

“We’re trying to stop another war from breaking out here!” An elderly stallion with a fine moustache shouts at me. “What could be more important than that?”

“The coming arrival of an unspecified but assumedly large number of humans in Equestria by the hand of God himself,” I tell him, “and just for the record; I’ve already stopped one war single handedly, I think I can end whatever you ponies and birds through at me.”

A Griffin general looks at me and cowers a bit. “You are the great destroyer? The man who defeated an entire army by his lonesome? The one who captured and-”

“Yes,” I tell him impatiently, “that was me so you had better not piss me off. Now you all were arguing about war earlier, how about this argument; you start a war and I will kill whoever I need to in order to end it the same day. All in favor of fighting and getting killed by me say aye.” No one speaks. “All in favor to play nice and leave now as comrades say ‘updawg’.” Everyone save the astral sisters says updawg and leaves the room. After everyone’s left I walk over to Celly, Luna, and Discord and plop down in a chair beside them.

“What’s ‘updawg’?” Luna asks curiously.

“Not much,” I reply, “What’s up whitchu?”

Celly smirks and Discords laughs until he falls out of his chair. Luna just blushes.

“So what was this about humans coming to Equestria?” Celly asks as Twi and Dulcie sit down. “And who is this?” she points and Dulcie.

“Well,” I begin, “The first thing you need to know is that a duckdo is coming along with the people and-”

“What’s a duckdo?” asks Twilight innocently.

“Quack.” Discord and I say together. We both laugh at the stupid joke for a moment before buckling down and getting serious again.

“OK, so quick summery; this is Dulcie, my daughter and an angel, God sent her here with a message, he’s sending a second flood to earth to wipe out all the evil and he’s sending ‘necessary’ people here to live out their lives and create a human colony in Equestria, they’ll start showing up next week.” I take a breath. “Did I forget anything Dulcie?”

“Nope,” she assures me. “Except for the bit about the zom-”

“They don’t need to know about that.” I tell her. I turn back to Celly and resume speaking. “So my plan was to start the colony near Ponyville, we need to start building houses now so they have a place to stay, we’ll also need a market place, a hospital, a police force of some sort, a fire department, and a ruling government as well. Sound good?”

“This is all for real?” Luna asks suspiciously.

“Yep.” Dulcie tells her.

“Well then,” Tia sighs, “I guess we have some work to do, let’s get started.”

<0><0><0><0><0>

Three thousand people, three thousand of the freeloaders to deal with. The first month was a pain like no other, we had to calm the noobs down, explain the situation to them (Half of them still don’t believe this is real), and help them get accustomed to Equestrian culture. We built the town without any trouble and moved its inhabitants in quickly, people who had been something useful on earth did that same thing here, doctors are doctors, farmers are farmers, and craftsmen are craftsmen, those whose skills couldn’t be used immediately, artists, teachers, politicians, and children, were given odd jobs to help out. By the second month things had calmed down quite a bit, people had started to accept the changes and were getting along, they all became legal citizens of Equestria, and the towns economy took off. Now we’re beginning the third month of the town’s existence without a name. I was officially elected mayor of the town/ governor of the colony/ ambassador to Equestria last night so I guess I should get on it and pick a name already, but what the hell, it can go without a name for a while longer. The town is a mile from Ponyville and in-between it and Canterlot, every day I drive over and check up on things, every day things get better. I’m driving there right now with all of my friends and family in one of the buses I made to provide transportation to the townspeople. Tonight’s a big night, we’re declaring independence, not from the Diarchy or from a country, no, we’re declaring independence from Earth. We are the first humans to visit an alien world and settle on it, the first to meet and befriend the aliens who live here, and the first to fall in love and start families. Already there are a few new interracial couples, no one has a problem with it, no one judges. That’s what makes these people necessary I realized, these people have the capacity to love and tolerate everyone regardless of race, religion, sex, or anything else, these people are willing to help out complete strangers and show love to enemies, these people are, put simply, necessary. These people can stay here, sheltered from the hate and judgment they’re used to and spread peace around the land.

I smile as we approach the town because a good name just came to my thoughts. We pull into town and I great a few of my friends here, most notably and Austin “Fish” Nell, and the GreenWind boys who have taken the city as their home as well. The ponies that came with me follow me through the town and into a memorial park. I look back at each of them and think about how much each one means to me.

Right next to me is my Direct family; Twilight, who has shown me unwavering love and constant companionship, Dulcie, who has made me proud and happy and who is always there to help me when even when I’m too damn stubborn to admit I need the help, Thaddeus, who looks just like me and shares my love of learning and languages, he’s already become fluent in six different tongues and serves as a translator for the new people who don’t speak English yet, and Starbright, who has his mother’s love of knowledge about anything and everything, he’s been helping Spike tend the library and I assume he’ll make that his job when he’s older.

Right behind us are Rarity, who was generous to me from the first day we met and has put so much effort and time into outfitting this new community, and Toby, who has been a good friend to me, a wonderful husband to Rarity, and is turning out to be a great father to the bay he’s carrying on his back. And can cook a mean steak too!

Walking next the them is the whole of the Apple family (From Ponyville I mean), AJ is keeping an eye on the foals while Big Mac, Fluttershy, and Caramel walk side by side. Mac was my first real friend here, the first person to work and talk and laugh with me, since we met I’ve invested a good portion of my money and time into his farm and it’s done nothing but grow in both size and value since. I haven’t spent much time with AJ, a wrong I intend to right, but I can tell she’s a good person, er, pony. Fluttershy and Caramel have both been kind to me and I plan to spend more time with them as well.

Flying above us are Rainbow Dash and her Griffinfriend (Girlfriend whose a Griffin) Gilda. Dash was the first one, pony or otherwise, who has ever been able to give me a run for my money at any athletics, she’s also the first friend I’ve ever had that spilled her guts and told me everything she felt. I can remember that night now, the night after a rave in Canterlot when we got stoned and went at it, turns out we didn’t go at it after all, we smoked and talked all night long, and I went to sleep naked after Dash spilled bong water all over my clothes.

A little ways behind them are Pinkie pie and her growing family. She and Donut Joe walk with their foals who are behaving perfectly because Uncle Lafe is around. I like Pinkie Pie; she was the second girl I ever slept with and one of the few who are as insane as I am. She told me once about her other personality, one she gave her full name to, who is violent and sadistic, I told her about Jeff. We ended up smoking and talking about oatmeal by the end of the night. She sat by me on the ride over here and told me that Pinkamena hadn’t bothered her since that night. I was very pleased to hear that.

Twilight’s parents are already in the park as we walk up, they come over to greet us and watch the boys during the ceremony we’ll be holding shortly. A short, balding Chinese man named Tso taps me on the shoulder and tells me that everything is ready. I thank him and excuse myself from the crowd of familiar faces. I walk over to the park’s stage and speak to a few new locals as I go, they all like me, trust me even for some reason. I see Fish monkeying about and give him a bro hug.

“Good to have you here bro.” I tell him in earnest.

“Good to be here man, needed to get away from that naggin’ bitch I called a wife anyhow.” He replies in his usual, stupid manor.

I pat Fish on the back and make my way to the stage. Once there I amplify my voice magically and start speaking, as soon as the crowd hears my voice all of theirs stop and they listen.

“I know this is hard for you all, being removed from you home and sent through time, space, and dimensions to a new world, but we’re here and we can’t o back so let’s make the most of this. We have a new start, a new chance at doing the things humanity failed to do on Earth, between magic and science we can do just about anything here, we can live long, happy, healthy lives and see our children and grand children thrive in this utopia.” The crowd cheers. “So one this day, the 1st of July, I proclaim independence, independence from pain, from evil, from fear, from everything that made life so hard where we came from. Today I decree us to be a free city state of Equestria, the princesses,” I motion towards the sisters who stand next to me on the stage, “have already given me their blessing and approval to do this. My people, my friends, my family, I welcome you to your new home, to your new life, to a second chance. I welcome you to Haven.”

I steel myself as a round of fireworks is fired off and I bow as the crowd start to roar its approval. I look around at these people, men, women, and children from all walks of life, and I think to myself that this city of haven is just that, a haven for good, for love, for peace and prosperity.

This is a haven for all those necessary parts in the world, be they man, woman, pony, griffin, or anything else. This is a haven for my family and I.

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

End of act II

Another Spring morning
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Another Spring morning

I’m the governor of Haven now but I don’t do much, the town is growing nicely and everything is running smoothly so I just make a day trip there once a week to check up on everything. We had our first two marriages this week, a couple who were engaged before they got sent here and two fellows who met and fell in love at first sight. When they asked me for permission to wed I was a bit nervous that people would get offended or start shit over it but so far everyone has been nice and civil.

The buses run a circuit from Ponyville to Haven to Canterlot and we have villagers come here almost every day to shop, sell, or just meet the ponies around town. Thanks to some magic Haven’s agricultural fields have been a great success, yielding enough crops to feed the town and sell in neighboring cities. Human crops have become a delicacy and a farmer can make some nice coin by just hawking his surplus potatoes, corn, and beans.

The GreenWind boys have a new lucrative, and legitimate, business selling marijuana and various hallucinogenic fungi. They’ve made millions selling a modified version of Earth cannabis with higher THC content than the Equestrian variant and have several humans working with them. I actually have them under more guidelines than Celly does and I also have my people following strict rules concerning drug use; we can’t have a bunch of brain dead, sterile, stoners running around causing mischief now can we?

The slate family, Pinkie’s family (I assume she changed her name when she moved out), started a new rock quarry just outside of Haven and have fifty some people working on machines I made to excavate the stone from the land. Clyde Slate and his family along with a handful of other pony families have bought houses and made Haven their home as well, and all the people have welcomed them kindly. Celly and I share joint rule over these ponies living in a human town as well as all the humans who have moved to other cities. Ponyville, Canterlot, Appleoosa, Bitsburg, Manehatten, and almost every other pony settlement now have a small human minority in it. Only the Pegasi cloud cities are left untouched by man…for now.

Filthy rich and his family wanted to buy into the businesses that are now booming from the massive demand by men, but I refused to let them do so. The last thing I need is a pony to gain a monopoly on things humans need and then suck us dry for it. After a good deal of bartering, begging, and even bribing on Filthy’s side I caved and allowed him to as long as he never purchased more than fifteen percent of an one business. Since then he has become a major investor in Rarity’s new clothing stores and the Cakes’ new restaurant chain. He’s making good money and actually helping out so I guess I’ll leave him be for the moment.

Applejack and Mac expanded their business by opening a new orchard on the outskirts of Haven. The Cherry family, the Orange family, and the peach family all decided to get in on this venture and the new farm is co owned by the four biggest fruit growers in Equestria. The land is split into five sections now, one for each family’s respective fruit and one for Earth native fruits, and the first harvest gave us enough to eat and to ship around the nation. At the moment Haven is the largest exporter of goods in Equestria.

Thanks to the GreenWind boys and I the Griffin tribes and Equestria are now peaceful allies and some of our products get sent all the way past the Solar mountain range to the Griffin home lands. The Zebrecan isles have also opened up trade with us.

Most of my friends remain the same despite all the changes; Fish still drinks and smokes and chases girls, Twilight still loves learning and has taken it upon herself to write a definitive history of humans in Equestria, Pinkie and Joe retired from the restaurant business as millionaires and still earn money from the chain they formed with the Cakes, Rarity and Toby moved to Canterlot due to her new stores and his new gig as a chef at the palace, and, well that’s about it. The Apples do what they always do; buck apples and sell them, the only difference is that AJ finally found that dream girl of hers; a Amazon of a woman from the heart of Africa, and is happily in a relationship.

The CMC has a new generation of foals trying to find their cutie marks while the original crusaders are out and about living theirs. Most of the old couples spilt up save Featherweight and his coltfriend. Dinky is now working at the Canterlot university as a mathematician, Pip is sailing to the Zebrecan isles for me and transporting goods, Sweetie Belle has become a world famous singer, Scootaloo hit the Alpha team of the WonderBolts and is flying side by side with her idol, Applebloom is in charge of the Haven branch of Sweet fruit acres (Renamed due to the fact that there are fruits other than apples being grown there), and Snips and Snails are on tour with the great and powerful what’s her face. They all are living good lives and seem to be very happy.

My boys are growing up quick, they’ll finish magic preschool this summer (Thaddeus started showing signs of his inherited power so we sent him along with his brother) and then they’ll start attending Ponyville elementary.

Dulcie has spent a lot of her time playing video games with a certain princess of the night. I can only assume what all else those two have been up to.

The railroad folks built a new line through Haven and we have our own airport for hot air balloons and dirigibles. And that about sums everything up.

<><><>

“Lafayette?” Twilight repeats herself again.

“Hmm?” I mumble as I turn away from the stove to look at her. “Sorry Twi, I kinda zoned out. What’s up?”

“Your food’s burning.” She points out.

“So it is.” I flip the well done bacon and stir the eggs.

“What were you thinking about?” Twi asks casually.

“Nothing much,” I say as I slid my food onto a plate and sit next to her, “Just about all the things that have happened this past year.”

“Sounds like a lot to me,” she replies, “Oh, I can’t wait for next week!” she giggles as her train of thought jumps from rail to another, much sexier one.

“Yep. Seven more day’s till mating season. Speaking of which I need to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“Well I just wanted to make something clear now, we already have two toddlers and a teen, I don’t think I can handle any more kids for another decade or so alright. So my plan is just to use a lil magic to keep that from happening. OK?"

“Will you still,” twilight leans over and whispers into my ear.

“yes, yes, maybe, only with adequate lube, no way in hell, sure, yes, absolutely, hmm.” I stop and consider my wife’s last suggestion. “You may just be onto something.”

We end our conversation as Dulcie and the boys walk into the kitchen and sit down. We chit chat for a while but the only thing that sticks in my mind is when Dulcie comments on how nice a day it is. I look out the window at the bright blue sky, pure white clouds, vivid green grass, and the varying colors of the new leaves. I look back at my family sitting around the table, laughing, joking, and feeling happy.

Today is most certainly a good day indeed.

A daytrip to the big city
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

A daytrip to the big city

“In you go boys.” I say as I hold the front door open for them. Orion and Dazzle wave at us from inside their living room while Thaddeus and Starbright shuffle in.

“Why do we have to stay here for the next two weeks daddy?” Thaddeus asks me innocently.

“It’s mating season son, time for grownups to have some fun while the kids are away, now I’m sure you two will have fun here and behave well for grandma and grandpa.” I kneel down and hug them both.

“Love you daddy,” they say as one, “We’ll miss you!”

“Love you too.” I stand up and watch as they walk over to their grandparents and get offered cookies and milk right of the bat. I chuckle and walk back outside to the truck with Twilight and Dulcie in it.

“Why’d you have to tell them about mating season?” Twilight asks moodily. We had waited until the last possible minute to bring the boys here, Twilight didn’t want them to leave but now that her heat is starting to kick in the only worry on her mind is about something else entirely.

“I’m not going to lie to the kids, Twi.” I tell her as we all get in the truck. “I hated when people lied to me as a kid and I was smart enough to know that my folks were bullshitting me when they said they were just ‘wrestling’ or playing ‘twister’ in their bedroom. I’d rather have my kids be slightly scarred by the knowledge that their parents have sex than hate me for lying to them after they find out why we dump em off here every spring. Besides, I couldn’t think up a good lie quick enough.”

“UGH!” I turn back to see why Dulcie’s groaning so exasperatedly.

“What’s your problem?” I ask her.

“You’re talking about sex and I’m right here!”

“So? We have conversations about it all the time and it’s never bothered you before.”

“Yeah I know… but now, I mean… it’s just…UGH!” Dulcie groans again and leans against the door as I pull away from Twi’s parent’s house. I turn to Twi.

“What hormone do female ponies have?”

“Um, Estrous. Why?”

“Oh I was just wondering, supposedly human women’s hormones can change if they’re around other women and I wondered if that was why Dulcie’s acting so bitchy.”

“I can hear you asshole!” she mumbles from the back seat.

“Love you too sweetie!” I shout at her.

“So…um…” Twilight whispers nervously as her eyes flick back and forth from me to my daughter. “Do you think that we could…um, make a little pit stop before we leave Canterlot?”

“No problem, where do you need to go?” I ask her cruelly, I know exactly what she has planned but I think I’ll make her beg a bit first.

“Um, well just take a left here and a right at-”

“Twilight, just tell me where to go and I’ll go there. I’m not stupid; I know my way around this town. So where to?”

“Well,” she hesitates and looks back at an uninterested Dulcie, “maybe the palace?”

“The palace?” Dulcie sits up and looks at Twi. “Can I come with?” Twilight whimpers and I facepalm.

“Dulcie,” I say, “the reason Twilight wants to stop at the palace is because of the whole heat thing and she wants to-” Dulcie cuts me off.

“Ewww! No, I just wanted you to drop me off at the castle.”

“OK, why?” I ask even though I already guessed why.

“No reason, I just want to… um… visit the gardens is all.” she lies.

“Well Ok then, I just hope for your sake that the bushes are nice and trimmed and that the flowers are blooming.”

“WHAT THE HELL DAD?!?” she shouts.

“What the fuck is your deal today?” I ask her. “You say you want to see the gardens and I say I hope they look nice so you yell at me. Hell I should make you walk.” She fluffs her wings a bit. “Fly, whatever.”

“Sorry,” she grumbles, “I just really want to go visit the observatory.”

“Gardens.” I correct her.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

I chuckle as we pull up to the front gates of the castle and Dulcie jumps out.

“Tell princess Luna I said hi!” I yell to her as she flies in the opposite direction of the gardens. I hear her groan as she leaves.

“That was mean.” Twilight tells me as we get out of the truck.

“But fun.” I retort while taking the steps two at a time towards the door. I wait for Twi and hold the door for her like a gentleman. Once inside a guard asks us to follow him to her majesty’s personal chambers. It’s all Twilight can do to not squee on the way up. I just smile and follow my beautiful wife up the stairs thinking all the while.

‘I’m a man of my word Celestia.’

Chapter 69
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Chapter 69

Today was great, I spent some quality time with my lovely wife and our benevolent leader Celestia, but we get home late and we're both tired so we just head for sleep. I'm sure we'll have plenty of time left to enjoy spring.

Author's note: This doesn't really contribute anything to the story so if you skip it you won't miss anything.

A prophecy unfolds
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

A prophecy unfolds

I lie under the covers and cuddle with Twilight in post orgasmic bliss. We share one more kiss before she falls asleep with her head on my chest. I smile and pat her head, she moans in her sleep and inches closer to me. I sigh a bit because tonight’s the last night of mating season and starting tomorrow Twi will be back to her normal, not excessively horny self. My sorrow doesn’t last long, while I do enjoy the frenzied coitus in the early spring I take even more pleasure in just being next to Twilight every day. I flip my pillow, rest my head, and close my eyes. I fall asleep almost immediately. What can I say? It’s been a long, hard spring and I’m dead tired.

My slumber is restless and short lived; dreams of smoke and fire fill the night and force me to wake. When I sit up I’m shaking worse than ever before, my muscles twitch on their own accord and it’s all I can do to not swing out and hit anything. I fold my arms and wait for the tremors to cease. They don’t. I lie awake and shaking until four in the morning when Twi stirs. I can’t let her see me like this. I stand on unsteady feet and try to walk out of the room before she gets up. I only make it five feet. My calves lock up while my thighs spasm, I collapse and land on the hard floor. A puddle of blood starts flowing from where I hit my head and grows at an alarming rate.

“Lafayette!” Twilight shouts from the bed. “What happened, are you OK?”

I try to speak but my mind’s going fuzzy and I can’t pick out words, I try to magic myself well but I can’t control my fingers, I try to pray but all I can thick of are my sins.

I try to stay conscious but I just can’t.

<><><><><>

In the unknown depths of the Everfree lies,
The body of a Zebra witch with only one eye,
Long dead and forgotten, her life was wild,
Her memory kept solely by her only child,
A voodoo priestess with a sacred name,
Potions and aphrodisiacs are her call to fame,
A mentor and mother to a lowly peasant,
True seer of the future, past, and present,
Speaker of rhymes, teller of riddles,
Ever since she was little,
A prophecy memorized by heart,
Not all, just the finale part,
She must hurry now, she must make haste,
For the foretold events are approaching and there is no time to waste,
An herb for palsies, a leaf for stability,
And a prayer that he has the ability,
She gallops fast, though woods and roads,
Her mind in a desperate mode,
The ground is hard, the terrain tough,
She can only hope that she’s fast enough,
Out of breathe with no time to rest,
One thought surpasses the rest,
The last words of the prophecy play though her mind in song,
For the demons spawn in the dark,
And the Dragons ride at dawn.

<><><><><>

“Dulcie!” I manage to say when I wake again. “Take… me… to…” my words are cut off by a sharp crack and the heavy scent of ozone in the air. When I look back up I see that we’re in the Canterlot palace throne room.

“DULCIE!!!” Twilight screams frantically as she drags my limb body over to Celestia. Another crack and expansion of choking gas occurs and suddenly the princess of the night and my daughter are next to me.

“DADDY!” Dulcie cries as she drops to my side and pulls things from behind her breast plate; a syringe, a plastic bracelet, a pink Band-Aid with little cartoons on it, and a bag of gummy bears. She jabs me in the heart with the syringe and forcefully breaks the needle end off. She lifts my shirt and places the Band-Aid over the spot where the needle is lodged and the wraps the bracelet around my wrist. Lastly she shoves a handful of gummies in her mouth and chews as she cries next to me. Two Alicorns and two angels watch as I struggle to breathe.

I breathe.

The cry in joy and embrace me, I just gasp for more air.

Twilight and I head home; Dulcie says she’ll meet us back in Ponyville later. Twi teleports us back and we land, rather roughly, in the library where Spike and Thaddeus are rearranging the shelves and Starbright is reading a book. The boys run over and hug their mother and I, Spike just hands me a note.

“Zecora was here,” he tells me, “she seemed real hurried and got upset when I told her you weren’t home. She told me to give you this and that you’d know what it means.” I try to read the slip of paper he gave but I can’t, it’s in some odd foreign language I don’t recognize. I hand it to Twilight.

“Any clue what this says?” I ask as she takes the note and looks at it.

“Not a clue,” she confesses, “I’m not even sure what langua-”

“It’s Draconic ruins.” Spike interrupts.

“Can you read it?” I ask the purple dragon.

“Part of it, it’s something about demons and dragons coming at night and in the morning, I don’t really get it.” I look at the paper again and sigh.

“I’m going to bed.”

I hug the boys again and leave Twi with a quick kiss. I hobble over to my room and strip down slowly. The shot Dulcie gave me was an odd one; the needle was the actual medicine. I can feel the soft metal melt at my internal body temperature and flow into my heart and then through my veins. Despite this angelic cure my twitches haven’t stopped completely, but at least I’m not immobilized by them now.

I turn out the light and climb under the covers, after this morning’s ordeals I just want to sleep for a few hours and wake up to a better day.

I get at least the first half of my wish, I sleep all though the day and well into the night.

Here’s hoping the second part goes well.

For the demons spawn in the dark, And the Dragons ride at dawn.
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

For the demons spawn in the dark, And the Dragons ride at dawn.

Sezzerecknack, quolentempalon, tagunadonga.

Hissing voices, tremendous heat, and the awful smell of sulphur assault my senses as I dream.

Kessemyelod, xylngermey, zintophin.

Enormous black shadows engulf my mind and the voices begin to chant and scream.

DTYNUM, MMUEZZAFYTH, WUEZETH, WUEZETH, WUEZETH!

As the shrieking chorus reaches a crescendo smoke fills my nostrils and suffocates me. I shout for help, I beg the massive figures that surround me to stop whatever it is they’re doing but they just ignore me and keep chanting their words over and over again as they circle me like vultures. I open my mouth to scream again but find that I have nothing left to scream, I can’t breathe, I can’t see, and I can’t speak.

I do the only thing I can do.

I collapse.

<><><>

I sit bolt upright in bed and gasp for breath. My body is soaked with cold sweat, my limbs are shaking violently again, and the smell of smoke lingers. I look down and see that Twilight is still sound asleep on the bed, I get up carefully so I don’t disturb her rest, I slid a pair of flannel PJ pants on, and I leave our room. I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water, I try to drink but my hand is shaking so badly that I drop the cup. I grab a rag and kneel down to clean up my mess; I manage to cut my thumb on a shard of glass as I do. I look at the laceration; it’s small but bleeding profusely and the blood…

My eyes grow wide as I watch my blood spill from my finger tip, float down through the air and arrange itself on the floor in an obvious pattern. I stare at the bloody words as they form on the wooden floor.

War, demons, sanity, death, loss, defeat, coming, coming, coming!

The final drop of blood lands and makes the dot on the exclamation mark. I gawk at the oddity before me until the sound of a door opening startles me. I look up and see Dulcie walk into the kitchen in her underwear.

“Hey dad, what are you doing up so-” her voice falters as she sees the blood message. “That’s not good.”

“Yeah, I figured that.” I stand up to toss the pieces of glass in my hand into the garbage and then take a seat at the table.

“Dad,” Dulcie says worriedly, “Are you OK?”

I take a moment to calm my nervous mind down and to hide my quivering hand in the pocket of my pajama pants.

“I’m fine Dulcie, I’m just fine.” I say as she sits down next to me. “I know you’re worried about the episode earlier but I swear I’m fine now. What’s up?” I ask when I see her concentrating hard on something out of my sight.

“I just got another message.” She tells me.

“And?” I say after a few seconds of waiting.

“It said that the link from Earth to here is broken now, no more people will be coming and none can go back. I guess we’re here to stay.”

“Yep.”

We sit at the table for a couple minutes longer but neither of us speaks again. Eventually Dulcie just gets up and goes back to bed. After she’s out of the room I look over at the blood message again, all I see now is a small, red stain on the floor with pieces of broken glass in it. I wonder if that was all Dulcie saw, I wonder if that was all it ever was and I’m just seeing shit again, I wonder if I even care one way or the other. I clean the mess up magically and head outside.

<><><>

I meander through the darkened streets of town until I find a place called The Salt Lick, the only bar in Ponyville, and walk in. The bartender, an earth pony who could drink anyone under the table, even me, is already behind the counter waiting for a patron.

“Got anything strong?” I ask him. He just nods and pours me a shot of some clear liquid from a ceramic jug. I down the burning alcohol and leave him with a ‘thanks’ and a few coins. I walk back towards the library but something I see out of the corner of my eye stops me. I look over my shoulder and see nothing. Wait a second; I see the tip of a tail slip out of view. I turn back to see…

“Drentyth betsesdum.”

I look at the scaled face in front of me as it speaks. I have no idea why this thing is here or what it just said, but I have a feeling that it isn’t good. With a single flap of its mighty grey wings the aged reptile lifts its body into the air and soars away from me and into the dark night sky. I shrug off the chance encounter and walk briskly towards my home. About halfway there I start to smell the smoke and hear the crackling of fire.

I run.

I charge the door and bust into the library which is already ablaze. I rush through the burning room and into the house behind it. I scream for my family to wake as I barge into the boys’ room to get them. Dulcie and Twilight both run in to help but stop next to me when they see it.

Starbright lies in his bed whimpering in fright while Thaddeus is in the arms of a strange man. When I say that this person was strange I mean it strange by every definition, we do not know this guy, nor do we want to, and his appearance is anything but normal. He’s nude, though he lacks any evident genitalia, and stands eye level with me, that’s not the extent of his strangeness. He seems to have been stitched together in some grueling way; his torso and limbs are human, but at the neck, wrist, and ankles the smooth, tan skin transitions into rough, red, scaled flesh. His feet are large and clawed and so are his hands. He shifts his weight and I can see a long tail positioned at the base of his spine and two wings spouting from his shoulder blades. The most intriguing and disgusting thing about this creature is certainly his face, it’s too large for a human head, but small for a dragon head, even though it is shaped like the later, and his mouth seems misshapen. His teeth point every which way and are all different sizes and shapes. He snarls at us as I can see that his entire mouth is nothing but row after row of jagged, randomly placed canine teeth.

My analysis of the alien creature ends when I remember that my son is being held by it. I lunge but a heavy claw knocks me away and into the wall. I struggle to stand as the dragon/human hybrid turns and flees with my boy in its arms. I try to stand, I try to scream, I try to cry. I can’t. I just lay there dazed and confused as my family drags me outside of the burning house and into the road. I just sit on the ground as my neighbors and friends hurry to douse my house and the ones nearby in order to stop the fire from spreading. I just stare off into the distance at the direction the monstrosity took my son.

I see the Solar mountain range illuminated by the first rays of the morning sun. I see a winged silhouette, one far too large to be any Pegasi or Griffin, fly towards the mountains. I see where it lands. I know where Thaddeus will be.

Tears finally begin to flow and the pain of all the burns I recently received starts to register but I don’t really notice it yet, my mind is on something else right now.

I stand and call out, not to my family or my friends or my God, no I call out to Jeff, I call out to Soulless Sun, I call out to /B/. I call them and I tell them I’m ready.

I feel a flood of righteous fury flow into my veins, a wave of hate and chaos consume my mind, and a maelstrom of power build in my heart. I feel something deep down in the recesses of my mind snap completely.

I feel strong.

I feel good.

I feel ready to kill everything that stands in-between me and my son.

I look at the mountains again as the sun breaks over them; I see dragons, hundreds of them, flying towards the caves there.

I guess Zecora was right; the demons spawn in the dark,

And the Dragons ride at dawn, and now I’m going to go kill every one of those bastards until I get Thaddeus back.

I smile and speak, I don’t notice the octave difference in my voice or the slight accent and neither does anyone else.

“Daddy’s coming Thaddeus, don’t you worry, daddy’s coming for you.”

Dragon days
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Dragon days

I stand in front of my home as it burns; I feel the heat from the fire singe the hair on my arms and it causes sweat to drip down my body. I stand and laugh at what just happened, I laugh at the fire, at the dragons, at the loss of my son.

“Daddy,” Dulcie says cautiously, “what’s so funny, why are you laughing?”

My loud guffaws dwindle to mild chuckles as I turn to my daughter.

“It’s funny,” I tell her, “because that inbred draconic FUCK thinks he can make off with my boy and get away with it. It’s funny because I’m going to go get Thaddeus and I’m going to return wearing dragon hide boots. It’s funny because I’m going to go fight my way through a nest of those big, scaly cunts and kill them all.” I laugh again and wave my shaking hand to my side. I start to teleport from this miserable spot in Ponyville to wherever my boy is but something stops me mid way. My body is halfway gone but a pair of ash covered purple hooves grasping my hand prevents the rest of me from leaving.

“Don’t go,” Twi tells me, “at least not until we talk to Celestia.”

I nearly disobey her and just bail but her hooves stay on me even when I try to shake them off. I look down at my wife, at the tears in her eyes, and I cave.

“OK.” I whisper. I grab Dulcie’s hand and Dulcie grabs Starbright. I hold my family close to me and close my eyes.

“We’re here daddy.” Dulcie quietly informs me. I open my eyes and see that we’re in Celly’s room and that her white muzzle is sticking out of the barely open bathroom door.

“Why in Equestria are you here?!” she asks in a cross between anger and confusion.

“A dragonoid set the library on fire and took Thaddeus.” Twilight solemnly explains.

“Oh my,” Celestia gasps and the door shuts, “give me just a moment and I’ll be out.”

Dulcie takes a seat on the bed with Starbright, Twi starts to pace nervously, I just stand and fight the urge to ditch them all and find Teddy. I nearly smile as I think of the nickname, for years he couldn’t pronounce his full name so he went by the same alias my grandfather had taken. My moment of pleasurable memories is ended swiftly by the opening of two doors’ from one a freshly bathed Celestia walks in, from the other a startled Luna and two ShadowBolts enter. Upon seeing who broke into her sister’s room Luna promptly dismisses her guards and rushes to Dulcie’s side. I pay little attention to my daughter and her new marefriend, congratulations can be offered later, for now all I care about is what Tia has to say about the situation. The regal Alicorn lies down on her bed and rubs her eyes as she speaks.

“What, exactly, happened?” she asks.

“A dragonoid set fire to the library and abducted Thaddeus.” Twilight explains in-between whimpers and tears.

Celestia blinks rapidly. “What is a ‘dragonoid’? I’ve never heard of such a creature before.”

Twi gulps and describes it. “It’s a creature with the head, hands, feet, tail, and wings of a dragon but with the torso of a man, they hold legendary status since so few are ever seen. From what I’ve read about them they first emerged after the humans originally came here, my best guess is that a human somehow managed to mate with a dragon and that these are its descendants.”

“How would that even fit?” Dulcie asks randomly from her spot next to Luna and Starbright. Twilight just shrugs her shoulders and leans on my thigh as she starts to weep once more. I look to Celestia.

“I’m going now; I’m gonna go get my boy back.”

“NO!” both princesses shout at once. “You can’t go!” Luna adds to the order.

“Why the fuck not?” I ask sourly.

“Because, if you attack any of the dragons they’ll attack Equestria.” Tia reveals.

“Do you really think there will be any dragons left in that nest after I go through there?”

“No, but other dragons will learn of the attack and retaliate.” Luna says.

“I don’t care,” I tell them apathetically, “I’m going to get my boy back regardless of the consequences. If a thousand of those giant fugly bastards swoop down anywhere near here because of my actions I’ll kill them myself.”

“I forbid you to go!” Celestia stands to look me in the eye as she orders me around.

“I’m going.” I tell her definitively as I glare at her.

“You will not! Or else-”

“OR ELSE WHAT?” I scream at her. “Or else you’ll stop me? Or else you’ll sic your guards or changelings one me? Or else you’ll try and stop me yourself?”

“Yes!”

I laugh in her face. “Bullshit.” I slap her across the face and turn away from the shocked goddess to address my family. “I don’t know when I’ll be back but I know this; when I come home, I’ll have Thaddeus with me. I swear to God!” I look at the others in the room, they’re terrified of me. I look over my shoulder and see why; my demon wings are back, so are my hands, and probably my feet. I scrape my claws together and my armor appears on me, modified to fit around my new body parts.

I look at twilight, Dulcie, and Starbright, I mouth the words ‘I love you’, and I vanish from sight.

Demons
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Demons

Author's note: This chapter is violent (But not enough to get placed in the side story) and sad but vital to the main storyline.

I vanish from Celestia’s room and rematerialize at the base of the highest mountain in the Solar range. I look up towards the peak and roll my eyes at the absurd height.

“Ready for a hike?” I ask Jeffery.

‘Fuck that,’ he commands aggressively, ‘fly up that fucking rock.’

“Whatever you say…” I shrug my shoulders, crouch down, and jump as high as I can. My wings unfold and catch enough air to propel me higher; I start flapping them and follow the side of the mountain almost all the way up.

I ascend two thousand feet, give or take a few hundred feet, straight up before I even see the nests and by the time I reach the first one I can’t even breathe the thin air. That Ok though, I don’t need oxygen, with Jeffery at my side I don’t need anything. It feels queer, not breathing at all, but after a few moments I cease to notice the loss. I land in the first nest and wake its inhabitants; three hatchlings and an older female. They all snarl at me and the mother swings at me. I catch her claw with my own and bring Jeff crushing down into her muzzle. My ears start to hurt from the screeches this bitch lets loose as I hit her again and again. When the rock is sufficiently covered in green blood and grey brain matter I turn to the cowering whelps behind me.

“Time to learn how to fly!” I cackle as I grab the nearest one by the nape of its neck and fling it off the cliff. I watch it tumble down and quickly right itself as I grab its younger sibling. I hurl the smaller dragon off the cliff as well and smile as it lands on a ledge fifty feet or so below. Its wings hit the jagged stone and I hear a sickening series of cracks followed by a high pitched squeal of pain and terror. I look back up and see a whirlwind of wings above me.

“Lafayette attracted the horde.” I joke as the closest group dives at me.

I kneel down as the first dragon, a big black motherfucker with only one eye, closes in on me. I grab the Honey Pot and point it straight up without even looking. I spin the wheel and unleash a funnel of burning acid into the lead bastards face and various body parts of the poor fuckers behind him. I hear the shrieks and roars as limbs are dissolved right off of the dragons’ bodies. I smile as liquefied flesh rains down on my head. I stand and spray more of the lethal fluid at those who were lucky enough to survive my initial assault.

“I’m signing in the rain,” I dance around and switch to scatter rounds to kill off all the stragglers of the first and second waves, “causing death and pain, I’m just signing in the rain!” a dragon lands next to me and I pull Slendy out as it lunges to bite me. I sidestep the attack and swing my sword up, around, and straight into the bottom of the beast’s maw. I listen to it gurgle and choke for a brief moment before sliding Slendy up and ending the miserable monster’s life. I withdraw Slendy and climb atop the slain dragon’s head to get a better view of the next nest and whatever foes are still alive.

“One hundred feet up and four dozen more faggots to kill,” I whisper to myself, “fuck that.” I do a back flip off of the cliff and fall for a few hundred yards. When I look up I see twice as many dragons are now giving chase. “Perfect.” I smile and twist around in midair so my feet point down. My wings flare open and my downward momentum immediately ceases, despite this I still feel like I’m ascending as the horde draws near. I create a transparent platform between my still body and the accelerating behemoths above me. I wait.

“Five, four, three, two, and…” I grin as the bastards start to collide against my obstacle like bugs hitting the windshield of a car on the highway; the effect is about the same too, just on a much, MUCH larger scale. The dragons radiate heat as they die and their spilt lifeblood literally boils as it runs off the sides of my shield. I remember Jacob saying something about drinking dragon blood as a drug of some sort so I decide to give it a try, at the edge of the now fading platform I lap up the hot, green fluid as it flows into the open air below. The first drop hits my tongue and a searing heat spreads through my body, my pupils dilate until I can barely see and my eyes burn, my skin crawls and my nerves spasm madly, my heart goes into overdrive and adrenalin flows through my veins like fish through a sea, and I’m hooked. I guzzle down as much of the rancid liquid as I can; I even lick clean the mortal wounds of my enemies and tear their corpses open for more. I’m in the middle of tearing a blue wyvern’s chest open when a new idea comes to mind. I rip past it’s rib cage and tear at loose innards until I find it’s still beating heart. I plunge into the chest cavity and devour the chewy muscle and all the delicious blood within. I feast on the carcass until the roars of the dragons above me remind me of my purpose here. I abandon the bodies and let them fall to the mountain base below in order to reach my destination.

I fly past hundreds of enraged dragons and ignore them all, I’m high as fuck and the only thing I want at the moment is to get my boy back. I soar fast and high until I see the peak of the mountain and the small mouth of a cave in it. I hover and look down at the horde below me.

“Fus ro dah.” I whisper as I clench my fist and imagine all the dragons as wingless lizards. I smile and watch them fall to their death. I turn and enter the cave, inside the Dragonoid is sitting cross legged and gnawing on a bone, behind him is…behind him is the remains of Thaddeus’ body minus one leg.

Jeffery, /B/, and Soulless Sun scream, shout, and order me to act but I just stand at the entrance to the cave and watch this thing as it snaps the bone and slurps up the marrow from within. I had thought the beast was hideous when I first saw it but it looks a thousand times worse now; it’s wings and tail remain but all it’s other dragon like limbs are replaced by human parts, it’s claws for large feet and scarred hands, and it’s head for a bald, tanning reflection of my own.

The voices in my head fade to white noise as I stare at this demonic caricature of myself, no, this perfect representation. It looks at me and smiles.

“So you finally see yourself for who you really are do you?”

“I’m nothing like this.” I murmur.

“Bullshit!” it screams. “Tyler, those insurgents, that boxer, Celestia, your own wife, discord, and now your own son! You’ve killed each and every one of them and now you’re in such denial you won’t even believe it when you see it with your own eyes!”

“No, NO!” I scream. “I know I killed Tyler and Martinez and those Iraqis, but I didn’t kill Celly or Twi or Discord! I went back and stopped it from happening, I saved them!”

“NO!” it shouts. “You killed them and then started living in a fantasy world in which you didn’t, hell your imagination is so strong that you made it real, but you did kill them. The Twilight you fell in love with, the Celestia who sent you to the moon, the Discord who ordered you around, the daughter you abandoned on earth, they are all DEAD!”

“No,no,no,no-”

“YES! You killed them with your own hands and then couldn’t even accept your own deeds. You never really came to Equestria Brendon, you never left Earth. The only thing you left was reality.”

The landscape around me shimmers and changes from the peak of a mountain to a perfectly whit room with soft padded walls. The demonic version of me is now a normal human wearing a straight jacket and smiling nonstop.

“Do you remember now?” he asks me in a calm, concerned tone.

“No.” I whisper.

“Let me elaborate,” he sits on a bare mattress and pats the spot next to him, I just stay where I’m at, “things were going just fine until you, we, killed Tyler, after that Jeff grew in our mind and killing became fun. We did well, never got caught or even suspected of the murders we committed. We joined the marines and got paid to kill people; oh those were the days, we got honorably discharged after we were tortured by insurgents and then mutilated them. After that we calmed down for a while and enjoyed our time with Lizzie, everything was fine until she accidentally cut us one day while we were cooking. It wasn’t bad, in fact it was great, we loved the pain. We started cutting ourselves in secret and mutilating ourselves for pleasure. We managed to hide it from Lizzie for a long while but then she found us out one day. We couldn’t let her tell; if she told they would examine us and eventually find out about our murders, so we killed her and the baby she was bearing. A neighbor heard it and we killed him too, and then his family, and then the police that came after us. For three weeks we ran and killed everyone in our way then you fucked up and crashed our getaway car. We got caught and placed here.” he spins his head around to indicate the room we’re in. “After that you lost it and built up an alternate reality were everything was better and you got to be the hero. I got lonely so I pulled you back here to rot alongside me.”

"So you're me?"

"Yes," he says, "and no. I'm physically you but my mind is different."

"Jeffery?"

"Now you're understanding."

I stare at him blankly.

“So Equestria’s not real?” I ask him.

“It is real because you made it so, in another universe everything you remember has actually happened, in another one those you’ve killed there are really dead, in a third you are still on the moon, in yet another you’re under Discord’s influence. It just keeps going and going, every decision leads to a different reality.”

“Which one is real, I mean really real?”

“This one of couse.”

“What if I don’t want to live in this universe, what if I want to live out my life in Equestria with Twi and Dulcie and my boys?”

“Too bad, so sad. You can’t go back, I won’t let you.”

“Oh really?” I approach the restrained man.

“Yes reall- oh shit.”

<><><><><>

Two guards and an orderly rush to confinement cell 42 when they hear the blood curdling screams coming from within. When they open up the door and enter the room all they find is the man who should be there, Lafayette Ryder, lying dead on the floor with his neck broken and his face mutilated beyond recognition. If not for the ID number on him they would have not known who he was. The guards stay as the nurse runs to fetch a doctor.

“How the fuck did he manage that?” guard one wonders aloud.

“No fuckin’ clue,” guard to responds as he looks at the mangled body, “his straight jacket’s still on and everything.”

The guards stand with the dead man until the nurse returns with a doctor who declares the man “Deceased by unknown causes” and orders the body removed. The remains of the infamous mass murderer are incinerated and disposed of later that week.

<><><><><>

In an alternate reality, which has grown to be just as real as its counterpart, a lavender unicorn weeps as her mentor, daughter, and son try to comfort her. A soft thud on the balcony outside of the room draws her attention and she looks over to see a broken man walk in carrying her baby boy.

“Lafayette! Thaddeus!” she squeals in delight and rushes up to her husband expecting a loving embrace. Instead she watches the love of her life drop at her feet and begin sobbing uncontrollably. Her son crawls from his father’s arms and snuggles up to her. Everyone in the room stares as the man they all knew and loved just lies on the floor and weeps.

They lie next to him and weep as well, for whatever happened that was so terrible that it could hurt him so must be terrible indeed. One by one they all fall asleep late in the night and then one by one they all wake the next morning, all except for the man.

A better tomorrow
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

A better tomorrow

I remember snapping and going after the dragons, I remember finding Thaddeus dead; I remember my talk with myself. I tried to grasp the implications of this whole multiverse of my own creation but my mind was so worn out at the moment it’s all I could do to get home and away from Jeffery. Home, my home, whether I made this place up or not this is where I belong…or is it?

I teleport to a balcony outside Celestia’s room, all I want is to see my family again. I start to walk inside when I notice the weight in my arms. I look down to see Thaddeus as he was when I found him in the Dragonoid’s lair. My spirit breaks and I weep.

That’s all I remember.

<><><><><>

I wake up in Celestia’s room, on her bed, with my family and friends gathered around me waiting patiently. I look at them and try to speak but I can’t.

“Lafayette?” Twilight whispers to me.

“Yes?” I find my voice though it’s raspy and dry at the moment.

“What happened out there?”

“He killed Thaddeus…I killed Thaddeus… I killed them all…” I sit up and cover my face as shameful tears fall from my eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Celly asks me.

“I killed-” I look up at Celestia and twilight… and my boys. “How? I saw him dead; the Dragonoid killed him the…Jeffery…” I crawl off the bed and embrace Thaddeus and then Starbright too. “I thought I lost you. Oh God I thought I had lost you.” My boys are crying with me as I hold on to them. I feel a pair of hooves, and then a second and a third and a pair of hands wrap around me as my family draws close to me. I weep again, but not out of sorrow this time.

“Come on daddy,” Dulcie says quietly, “let’s go home.”

The princesses travel with us and we return home moments after my baby girl suggested that we do so.

“Our house…” Twilight begins but the overwhelming emotions from looking at her destroyed library stop her.

“Will be fine.” I finish her sentence and walk into the middle of the charred remains. I concentrate and raise my arms, new walls rise with them. I bring my hands together as a new building is completed and I walk back outside. “A new library, one with more books than any other.” I walk around back with my family following me. I raise my arms once more and build a beautiful new house. “And a new home, much nicer than the old one.” I turn to those behind me and see that the several of my other friends have just joined the group. “Would you like to come in?”

They file into the house and all settle into the new, spacious living room. The Apple family and Spike are with us now and the word has been sent to all our other friends to come at once. I give those not in town a little help and within moments Dash and Gilda, Pinkie and Joe, Rarity and Tobias, Fish, and Jacob are all here.

“The fuck?” Fish exclaims.

The others are already somewhat used to my spontaneous gatherings and remain relaxed as I explain the situation to Fish. I go on to explain just what happened to the rest of them.

“Few of you know it, mainly because I’ve always hid it so well, but I’ve had a few demons in my head. They’re gone now and I’m a new man. Everything is right with the world and I believe a celebration is in order. Pinkie, would you do the honors?”

The pink party pony prepares post-haste and soon the house is decked out in streamers and balloons from one of her many emergency party stashes.

I take a seat in a recliner with Twilight and chat with my friends. We stay up late into the night catching up and celebrating because we can. At midnight the only ponies left are the princesses; Luna and Dulcie have wondered off and Celly is still talking with twilight and I.

“Sorry for bitch slapping you by the way,” I apologize, “I was kind of out of my mind at the moment.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Celly forgives me, “Just don’t ever do it again. Speaking of your mind, what’s the situation with Jeff?”

“He’s dead and gone; he’ll never bother me again. Soulless Sun is next on my hit list.”

Celestia smiles while Twilight frowns.

“What-”

“Don’t you worry about it Twi,” I tell her, “it’s dealt with and over now.”

“OK then.” She smile again and kisses me.

“Well I believe I’ll head home now,” Celly bids us goodnight and heads for the door, “I have a feeling that my sister will be spending the night, I hope that’s alright.” She tells us as she flies away.

Twilight and I head to the master bedroom upstairs but find the door locked and hear rather…explicit noises coming from within.

“What the fuck Dulcie?” I shout. “This is MY room!”

“I called dibs!” she yells to me.

“Goddammit!” I scream back at her. Twilight just laughs and leads me to the other end of the hallway. We check on the boys and then pick a smaller room for ourselves. As soon as we walk in I pimp the place out into a Master master bedroom.Twi laughs again as we slip into bed.

“I love you Lafayette.” She says to me.

“And I love you Twilight Sparkle.” I say to her.

I fall asleep with my beautiful bride in my arms and a smile on my lips; everything worked out… sort of.

Gojira!!!!
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Gojira!!!!

“Good morning daddy!”

“Mornin’ papa!”

“Wake up Lafayette!”

“Um, good morning…Lafe.”

I wake up to breakfast in bed and several smiling faces. Twilight’s curled up next to me, Starbright and Thaddeus are showing me the food they helped make, Dulcie is sitting on the edge of my bed with her mare friend, and Luna is smiling nervously.

“Thanks,” I say as I dig into a pepper and onion omelet and some hash browns, “so what’s the occasion?”

“Well…” Twilight starts.

“What mom’s trying to say,” Dulcie picks up, “is that you kinda went nuts the other day and we just wanna make sure you’re OK.”

“I’m feeling much better, much less crazy today so I’d say I’m OK.” I tell them all. “Good omelet by the way, who made it?”

“Um,” Luna mumbles shyly, ‘I did.”

“Thanks, so I take it that you two…” I point at my daughter and the princess of the night.

“Well, you see-” Luna struggles to find the right words.

“Yep!” Dulcie interrupts her with a big smile.

“That’s nice.” I smile at the new couple and take a bite of toast.

“Wait,” Luna seems confused, “so you aren’t mad or judgmental or anything?”

“Mad? Judgmental?” I laugh and take another bite of food. “I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again; I’m married to a pony, I’m in no position to judge others on their love lives. And no I’m not mad at all, in fact I’m happy for you two.” I look at Luna. “So long as you two don’t go on any motorcycle rides I’ll be just fine with your relationship.”

“Motorcycle…” Luna starts to ask.

“Inside joke, babe. Don’t worry about it.” Dulcie quickly explains.

I finish my food and move the now empty tray off my lap.

“If you’d all excuse me I need to get ready for the day. I’ve got a ton of shit to do and only a few hours to do it in.”

In only a few moments Twilight and I are left alone in our room. I hop out of bed and stretch; I can hear Twi purring to my side as I touch my toes.

“Quite possibly the weirdest thing about being married to you, a pony, is the fact that you purr like a damn cat every time you see me naked.” She stops purring and starts laughing.

“Mmmhmm, but you know you love it!” I kneel down to kiss her but get a tail swiped across my face instead. “I’ll be in the shower if you need me, you’re welcome to join me if you want.” I just hang my head and smile.

One exceptionally long shower later Twi and I get ready and head downstairs to the new dining room where Dulcie, Luna, and the boys are eating.

“Took your sweet time getting down here.” Dulcie comments over a bowl of chocolate cereal.

“Sorry,” I apologize to her, “I had to break in the new toilet and then Twi and I broke in the new shower, and the new bed, and the linen closet, and the Jacuzzi in your room, and the-”

“Fine, fine, enough already, I get it!” Dulcie shouts and blushes a deep auburn, Luna laughs quietly. “Wait, did you just say something about the Jacuzzi in my room?”

“Sure did,” I tell her, “and I must say I enjoy the massaging jets and that fuzzy loofah.”

Dulcie groans. “I can’t believe you two…wait, what about my loofah?”

“Nothing.” I lie. Twilight giggles.

“I need to get my own damn place.” Dulcie starts bitching.

“You’re more than welcome to stay in the castle with me.” Luna offers.

“If my dad keeps acting like this I may just take that offer up babe.”

I laugh and start to devour a fresh stack of pancakes.

“You just ate a full meal,” Dulcie notes, “how the fuck are you eating more?”

“MmmMmmmMm?” I mumble through a mouth of syrup and batter.

“Cuz he’s a marine,” a voice says, “and he’s a fatass to boot!”

“Feesh,” I say as I swallow my pancakes and turn to my friend, “I’m three hundred pounds of shear muscle and you’re two twenty of Twinkies and bacon cheeseburgers, I think that if anybody in this room’s a fatass it’s you.”

“Hah!” he laughs in his deep baritone voice. “Maybe, maybe, but remember who always gets the girls, speaking of which,” he leans over next to Dulcie and winks at her, “how you doing girl? Damn you sure are fine.”

“That’s my daughter you asshole,” I flip my friend the bird with both hands and he makes one of his dumbass gestures back at me, “and if you hadn’t noticed…”

“I’m taken.” Dulcie completes my sentence and wraps an arm around Luna for effect.

“Shit,” he draws the word out as he backs up and raises his hands in a ‘no harm, no foul’ gesture, “I never woulda guessed. Say, if you two fine looking ladies ever looking for a fella to help out, you jus call my na... ugh!” fish reels back as Dulcie throws an elbow for his crotch.

“No thanks, we got that covered already.” She looks at Luna and smiles wryly.

“”Hey babe,” Fish starts in again now that he’s a safe distance away, “those toys are nice an all but nothing can compare wit a real man, specially one as good as me!”

“Don’t you worry…Fish… I take good care of my girl; magic does have its benefits, if you know what I mean.” Luna grins mischievously at my bro.

I toss my napkin down and stand up. “Dammit, why does this keep happening? I don’t need to know the intimate details of my baby girls sex life,” I walk over and slap Fish on the back, “and I don’t want my best friend hitting on her either. Now what’s up Fish, what brought your black ass here?”

“Well cracka,” he smiles at the insults and keeps going, “I take it you pissed off a shit ton of dragons the other night?”

“Yeah… so what’s up?”

“Well a couple of ’em are in Haven lookin’ fo your pale ass, evidently they wanna have a word or two witchu.”

“Shit… well let’s go then.” I flex my fingers and change my attire to a more fitting choice. “I’ll drive.”

“Shotgun!” Dulcie calls.

“Shot- DAMMIT!” Fish swears.

I tell Twilight and the boys goodbye and hop into the truck. Fish ends up getting shotgun despite my baby girl’s call because she and Luna decide to sit together in back. We all wave as I tear out of my parking space and head out of Ponyville. We drive for a few minutes with no sounds other than the wind wiping through the open windows and the stereo bumping, we keep quiet until Haven and the First dragon come into view.

“Damn.” I mutter.

“Woah!” Dulcie and Luna say together.

“Mother of God,” Fish prays as he pulls his aviators down to get a better view of the colossus in front of us, “that motherfucka’s huge!”

“Yep.” I agree as we pull into town. “It sure is.”

Rub-a-dub-dub
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Rub-a-dub-dub

“So you’re Lafayette?”

“Yes Lyra,” I say irritably, “you’ve met me before. Remember? You swore at me in Greek and ran off before I could even say anything.”

“Oh,” she looks away from me and bites her lip, “yeah, sorry about that. I got a little worked up about meeting a real, live human being.”

“I could tell, now why the fuck did you just jack Fish’s seat?”

“I already told you why; I just wanted to talk to you and I finally mustered the courage to do it this morning when I saw your truck pull in to town.”

“God…” I groan as we near the castle. “Well listen up lil missy, I didn’t invite you here so don’t expect any autographs or interviews or other bullshit like that, we need to have a word with Celly-”

“Princess Celestia?”

“Yes, who else?” the green mare shrugs. “Whatever, so when we get they I’m sending your stow away ass back to Ponyville, if you still wanna chat with me after that I’m sure we could arrange a nice dinner or some shit but now is definitely not the time, got it?”

“Sure… so where are you from?”

“Goddammit!” I punch the steering wheel and Lyra disappears, before anyone in the car can ask what happened Fish reappears and asks for them.

“The fuck jus happen?”

“Fuckin’ annoying pony jacked your seat and was askin’ stupid ass questions about me as a human.” I answer quickly.

“What’d ya do?”

“Pissed me off so I sent her home… ahh, here we are.” I say as we drive up to the castle doors.

Twilight speaks up. “That was kind of… unnecessary.”

“And rude.” Dulcie adds.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll make it up to her, I’ll buy her a hand shaped back scratcher or some shit. Now come on, we gotta go talk to Celly girl.”

I park the truck haphazardly next to the guard station, that poor fichus never knew what hit it, and march past a brigade of soldiers and into the castle. A lone guard stops me to request identification and business here.

“Sergeant Ryder,” I say as I walk past him, “I must speak with Celestia, it’s urgent.”

The guard hastily steps back in front of me. “I’m sorry sir but-”

“Private,” Luna intervenes, “please allow us in, we seek counsel with my sister, it is emergent.”

The private salutes to his princess but doesn’t move out of our way. “I’m sorry your highness, but princess Celestia has requested to have no visitors today.”

“To damn bad.” I tell him. I sidestep around him and open the door to Celly’s room, the others follow me in.

“Who’s there?” Tia shouts from her bathroom. “Go away; I’m busy at the moment!”

“Yea mon, we be busy in ’ere so geet da feck out!” a familiar avian voice calls out as well.

“Celly,” I say as I open the next door and walk into the steamy, tiled room, “I need to talk with you; it’s very, very important.” I see the tub where Tia’s soaking in and I sit down on the edge next to her, Twilight follows me in but Luna, Dulcie, and Fish wait at the door.

“What in Equestria is so important that you have to interrupt my bubble bath for it?” Celestia asks, clearly angry at my intrusion.

“A dragon named Syphilis, or something like that, stopped by Haven and asked me to do a job for him and his kids, in return the dragons will form a peaceful alliance with both the humans and the ponies as long as he lives.”

“Sujenymos?” the bathing deity asks mid moan.

“Yeah, that guy.” I look around for a minute but I can’t find my feathered friend. “So where’s Jacob?”

“Oh,” Celly moans again, “he’s… down south, at the moment… Mmm… keeping Griffin/Pony relations… Ohhh… up and… Aww… well!”

I look past the bubbly surface of the water and see two ridged, brown wings beneath the surface.

“Atta boy Jacob!” I shout to him.

“Gahhh!” he surfaces and gasps for air. “Tanks brudda, I was doin’ well but den I ran outta air. Surry mees preencees.”

“Don’t fret Jacob,” Celestia tells him lovingly, “you can make it up to me in a bit.” The Griffin leans back against the tub and folds his arms over his chest while his mistress turns to Twilight and I and then waves for the others to join us. “You all might as well come in, sis how are you doing?”

“Very well actually,” Luna tells her sister as she sits down next to me, “I have a new partner.” The princess of the night sky wraps a hoof around my daughter and kisses her on the cheek.

“’Sup Celly?” Dulcie smiles and speaks joyfully.

“Not much dear, oh Luna I do hope you’re using that one spell I taught you when it comes to this beautiful young lady.”

Luna and Dulcie both blush while Fish grins at the question. “I have sister and it’s been most… delightful.”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Twilight says in her best Fluttershy impression, “but could we discuss the dragons and the roc issue now?”

“Rocs?” Celestia asks with sudden intensity.

“Yep,” I confirm, “Sudjymos-”

“Sujenymos.” Twilight and Luna correct me.

“Whatever! Anyway he told me that the rocs are fucking up the dragon’s nests and that not even the fastest dragon could catch one, so he wants me to teach ’em a lesson before the great dragon migration starts. Oh, the dragons are gonna be using the empty fields outside of Haven as a rest stop, I need to make some elephants or hippos or something for them to snack on while they’re there.” I look at Celly and then at Jacob. “Isn’t Discord gonna be-”

“Aren’t I going to be what?” the chaos god asks as his head bobs to the surface of the water. He starts to back float away from Celly and towards Jacob. “Nice technique, but you need to work on holding your breath longer, then again so do I.” The two fist bump and resume relaxing in the bath.

“Tanks messta Deescord, I alweeys appreeeciat dat cunstructeeve creetacism.”

I look at the two and shake my head.

“Any way,” I turn my attention back to Celly, “I just wanted your thoughts on all of this.”

“Well… it would be nice to have the dragons as allies… go ahead and do whatever they need, and for God’s sake remember the guy’s name!”

Twilight turn to leave but another voice stops us.

“Sorry aunt Celly, but I couldn’t stay under any longer.”

I turn around to see my sister-in-law in the tub too.

“Cadance!” Twilight shouts.

“Twily?” Shining asks as he appears in the water next to his wife.

“How many people are in there with you?!?” I ask Tia.

“Umm…seven, maybe eight, possibly nine or ten. It’s a big tub” She answers.

“Jesus Christ,” I rub my temples and turn to leave, “I’m out.”

“Oh! Hi Lafe and Twilight and Dulcie and Luna and that one dark skinned guy I don’t know! I didn’t know you all would be here! What are you guys doing?”

I look back to see that Pinkie Pie and her pet lizard are in the tub as well.

“Leaving.” I tell her.

Dulcie and Luna are already out of the room and Twilight’s at my side but Fish is lagging behind.

“You know,” he says to me, “I think imma sit this one out and chill here with the princess, that sound alrig-”

“No.” I answer and grab him by the shirt collar. I drag him out to the truck where we find Dulcie and Luna waiting for us.

“Ready?’ I ask them.

“Ready.” They eagerly respond.

“Then let’s go bird hunting.”

Chapter: Big ass number; in which even more weird $hit happens
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Chapter: Big ass number; in which even more weird $hit happens

Equestria is the only technical nation in the land, the Griffins, Buffalo, and Zebras have nomadic tribes, the Dragons are one big family that branches out and migrates together, the Diamond dogs have packs which stay in specific territories, and the Ponies have an actual government and live in semi-industrialized cities. Equestria is also very small in comparison to the land around it, on a continent larger that all of Europe the ponies only have a handful of settlements that are all within twenty five miles of each other, the only reason travels takes so damn long is due to the uneven and hilly terrain. My point here is this; the drive from Ponyville to Canterlot is a mile because of the long, twisting roads and hundreds of hills, a quick flight from Celestia’s room to the Solar mountain range is an hour and a half (When you’re not using insane rage to fuel your superhuman speed), but the drive from the palace to the great sea is nearly a four hour trip.

Four fucking hours!

At least my truck gets great gas mileage.

<><><><><>

I set the cruise control, one of the many luxuries I’ve added to this vehicle, at a hundred and twenty and set up some magic to keep us going smoothly, a shield in front of us to knock any obstacles out of the way and a set of phantasmal hands to drive for me. I lean back in my seat and stroke Twilight’s mane absentmindedly as we go, Luna’s in back lying in Dulcie’s lap chatting about something or other and Fish is half asleep with his head still nodding to the beats on his iPod and his phone still in his hands.

“Hey Fish!” I shout back to wake him up.

“Ugh, yeah man,” he grumbles, “what’s up?”

“What are ya doin’ with your phone?”

“Texting mah beyatches.”

“How?”

“I dunno,” he shrugs and hands the phone up to me, “I guess Verizon’s got great coverage or some shit, I’ve been able to use it since I landed here. Check the pics bro!” I scroll up on the screen to find a long thread of assorted pornography and texts chalk full of racy jokes and sexual innuendos.

“That’s a nice pic of your mom you got here,” I taunt my friend, “she must work out and damn is she flexible!” Dulcie and I laugh while fish flips me the bird with both hands.

“What’s so funny?” twilight asks curiously.

“Oh this,” I hand her the phone and scootch over when Dulcie and Luna move up to see the screen. “The one girl on there reminded me of Fish’s mother so I burned him with it.”

“Interesting…”Twilight mutters.

“What is this?”Luna asks suspiciously eyeing the device.

“It’s a cell phone,” I tell the two mares, “with it you can send and receive voice calls and messages, text, images, and even video from wherever you are. Apparently it works here too.”

“No,” Luna scolds me, “I meant these images, they’re just nude human women.”

“Oh that?” Fish asks. “That’s just porn.”

“Porn, what’s that?” Twi and Luna both ask.

“That is porn,” Dulcie informs them, “a lot of humans get off by viewing images or video of other people naked or having sex, it’s big business on earth, I’m sure somepony’s started a market for it here.”

“No,” Luna denies, “well kind of, I know there are books and… aids but nothing like this. Obviously no videos but no photos either; I guess most ponies would rather do than see.”

“Yeah,” Twilight agrees, “there’s a shop in town but they don’t have anything like this.”

“There’s a sex shop in Ponyville?” Fish and I ask immediately.

“Yeah, not that I’ve ever been there,” Twilight backpedals, “I’ve just walked by it and heard about it from my friends. I swear I’ve never been there!”

“Well that ends tonight!” I shout. “As soon as we get home we’re gonna go check that place out.”

“Can I come?” Fish asks sweetly.

“NO!” I instantly shoot him down. “You can go by yourself but not with me when I’ll have my wife with me.”

“And your daughter and her marefriend!” Dulcie chimes in.

“Fuck me…” I mutter with my head in my hands.

<><><><

“We’re here!” Dulcie shouts when the ocean comes into view.

“Thank Jesus.” I murmur.

We stop and get out of the truck.

“What now?” Fish asks while looking out at the spires in the water.

“This,” I tell him.

I sprint to the edge of the cliff we’re on and jump right off.

“WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!” Fish screams as I tumble through the air.

I shrug my shoulders mid fall and feel the spines of my wings beak the skin, the two white and gold appendages stretch out and unfurl, catching the wind and pulling me up sharply. I scratch my wrist and my armor appears as well as my weapons. I still have Jeffery but all it is anymore is a war hammer, no spirit within, no advice or help, just a plain old mallet. I start to flap my wings hard until I feel the supersonic barrier again; I break it just to showboat when I come close to the first spire. I smile as a dozen rocs literally shit themselves in fright. Dodging the falling white goo I decide to just fuck up their nests instead of fighting these bastards one on one so I pull out my Honey Pot and take aim at the thinnest points in the spires.

I stop after the tenth assault and look back at my work just in time to see the first couple of stone obelisks, and all the rocs on them, crash into the water beneath them. I magically collect every dragon egg I can find and send them directly to Sujenymos’ lair and I grab a few roc eggs as I flee the scene.

“Get in the car now!” I shout to my friends as I return with a large, ridged egg under each arm, they do as I told them and in just under a minute we’re hightailing it away from the shore.

“What happened?” Luna asks.

“Uh,” I think as we accelerate away from the beach, “I knocked down like ten of those spires and stole a couple eggs, by the way we’re having omelets for breakfast tomorrow, um, and now I wanna get the fuck away from here before those big ass birds know what hit ’em.”

“Oh,” Luna smiles at me, “OK then, I was worried that you got a hatchling to follow us or something crazy like that.”

“Why would you say-” I turn around to see a pterodactyl sized baby bird covered in fuzz sitting in the bed of the truck. “SHIT!” I slam on the brakes and skid off the road, when we come to a stop the giant chick is now lying on my lap and staring into my eyes.

“Mah mah!” it squawks out and starts repeating. “Mah mah! Mah ma! Ma ma! Mama! Mama!” it begins to nuzzle me with its beak and rub against my face, saying ‘Mama’ all the while.

“I guess we have a new pet, er, child I guess.’ Twilight says with a perky smile.

“Shit.” I groan as the several hundred pound bird decides to sit on my lap and wait for me to feed it. “This is gonna be a pain.”

<><><><><>

Twilight and I teleport us and our new birdie home. We stop at the library and introduce everyone there to the overgrown chicken and delight the boys with the knowledge of their new pet/brother. I find a few earthworms (Are earthworms still called earthworms if they’re not from earth?) and grow them to insane proportions to feed the bird. I laugh as he chases the monster sized invertebrates around the yard.

“We should name him if we’re going to keep him.” Twilight tells me.

“Hmm,” I think for a moment and find the perfect name. “Jenkins, Leeeeeeroooooy Jenkins!!!!!!!”

“Wut?” Twilight, Luna, Dulcie, the boys, and pretty much everyone else asks.

“It’s an earth thing.” I tell them.

Luna raises the moon again and we have a nice outdoor supper with all our friends, family, and adopted mutant poultry before putting the boys and Leeroy to bed.

When everything is settled I head out to the truck again.

“Where are you going?” Twilight asks me.

“To the porn shop!"I reply. Everyone who’s still around and awake rushes to pile into the truck and we head into town.

‘Tonight’s gonna be a good night!’

The penetrator!
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The penetrator!

“Got any fours?” I ask.

“Nope,” Fish lies, “go me.”

“Hah!” I snort at the unexpected wit and pull a card. “Dammit, another fuckin’ queen.”

We quit and start playing black jack instead.

“Hit me.” We both draw a card.

“Motherfucker!”

“Hit me.” Another card.

“Goddammit!”

“Hit me.” And another card.

“FUCK!” Fish yells.

“Twenny one!” I shout.

“What the hell are you two doing?”

Fish and I look up from our spot on the jail cell floor to see Twilight, Dulcie, and Luna standing on the other side of the bars.

“We’re playing black jack.” I answer as a guard unlocks the cell and removes our cuffs.

“Oh,I knew that.” Twilight agrees despite the fact she has no idea what I’m talking about.

We leave the station together and head back to the library which happens to be only five blocks away.

“So how much trouble are we in?” I ask Luna as we walk through town.

“Not to awful much,” Luna answers, “but I fear that Mayor Mare has developed a bit of a fetish for human men using sex toys as weapons now.”

“Speaking of which,” I snap my fingers and the penetrator appears in my hand, rather than its previous colors of the 3rd street saints it’s now in my own color scheme of blue and gold. “I’m keeping this!” I shout happily and strap the meter long shlong to my belt and make the others groan in disgust. “Now I just need a name for it.”

“It’s the penetrator, man!” Fish tells me.

“I know that! Penetrator is the name of this type of weapon; I need a name for this weapon in particular.”

“Oh.” Fish grumbles.

“How about giant blue and gold dick?” Luna offers.

“Uh, no.” I tell her.

“Cockmonger?” Dulcie says.

“Maybe…” I consider it.

“Mutunium?” Twilight asks.

I look at my wife and smile. “Well somepony’s been paying attention when I talk!” Dulcie laughs but Fish and Luna just look at me.

“What does that mean?” Luna asks.

“Babe,” Dulcie throws an arm around her blue marefriend and laughs again, “it’s Latin for penis.”

“Oh,” Luna chuckles, “well I guess it’s a fitting name then.”

I hold the penetrator up and make the tip wobble a bit. “I do hereby dub thee,” pause for dramatic effect,
“Mutuniumos!”

“Why the change?” Fish asks as we start walking again.

“Sounds cooler.” I tell him.

“Yeah,” Dulcie agrees, “it kinda does. Say dad, do you think I could maybe borrow-”

“NO.” I immediately respond.

“Dammit.” Dulcie mutters.

We turn a corner and I already wish we hadn’t; Leeroy is standing in the road squawking like the giant retarded chicken he is and trying to peck at the boys as the run around him, behind them my truck is flipped upside down and resting on the roof of the library. I can only speculate as to how it got there.

“Thaddeus, Starbright, LEEEROOYY!” I shout as I near them. They all stand at attention upon hearing my voice, even Leeroy though all he actually does is stop pecking and start staring into space. I walk up next to them and look each one in their eyes. “Just what the hell happened while I was gone?”

“Uh,” Starbright babbles incoherently for a moment, “we were playing with Lee and he started chasing us so we hid behind the truck and well…”

“He flipped the fuckin’ thing over!” Thaddeus finishes his brother’s statement.

“*Cluck* Mama! *Squawk*” Leeroy agrees.

I sit down next to the boys and sigh. “Dammit Teddy, I don’t want you swearing like that,”

“But you do it dad and so does-”

“I know I do it but I’m older, more mature and learned, and besides, I’m a marine I’m allowed to cuss like one. Now I don’t care what I say or what anyone else says I don’t want either of you to be talking like that. Understand?”

“Yes dad.” The both reply.

“Yes Mama!” Leeroy adds his two bits worth.

“Now as your punishment for both swearing and getting my truck flipped over you to get to get it back down. Hop to it, chop chop!” I clap my hands as the boys start to wiggle the stuck vehicle with their magic. Starbright whines as he concentrates on pulling the car down. “Be glad I didn’t wash your mouths out with soap now, I’ll do that next time I catch either of you cussing.”

I turn away as the truck falls of the roof and crashes to the ground.

“It’s down dad!” the boys shout.

“Down Mama!” Leeroy copycats.

“Why does Lee call you Mama?” Starbright asks me as he and his brother flip the truck right side up.

“Not a fucking clue.” I confess.

“Hey dad?” Thaddeus walks up to me.

“Yeah Teddy?”

“What’s that weird thing hooked to your belt?”

“It’s what I’ll beat you with if you ever try and destroy my truck again.” I tell him.

“Oh,” Starbright gasps, “I thought it looked like a big wiener!”

I laugh hysterically as we walk in to prepare supper. Luna and Fish stay over to eat but Fish has to get back to running Haven before too long.

“Staying the night here again?” I ask Luna.

“Nope,” she tells me, “if it’s alright with you Dulcie and I were going to stay at the palace tonight.”

“Fine by me.” I tell her.

I hug Dulcie and say goodbye as the two lovers fly off into the sunset. I turn to Twilight and grin mischievously.

“The boys are asleep, the girls are out, and you and I are all alone.”

“So what do you have planned?” Twilight walks away from me swaying her hips as she goes. I follow her back into the kitchen with a wonderful thought on my mind.

“How about I clear the table and we…Fuck.” I slump into my seat as I look at the umbrella stand filled with umbrellas and nothing else.

“Oh,” Twilight moans, “that sounds…Lafe?” she looks at me and towards the corner I’m staring at. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” I repeat. “What’s wrong?!? Dulcie swiped Mutuniumos, that’s what’s wrong!”

Twilight laughs and starts nuzzling me as I sit flabbergasted by my daughter’s theft. "Don't worry, I know just the thing to cheer you up!" she says seductively as she levitates onto the table.

"I don't want to do that now," I tell her, "I just want my giant dildo bat back!"

Twilight glares at me from her perch on the counter. "Well i don't care, now fuck me like a good boy."

"I don't wanna." I whine.

"Well too bad!" Twilight shouts as she pounces on me knocking me off my chair and to the ground. "You are going to fuck me now and you are going to enjoy it!"

‘OK, I’ll admit it; despite being as bummed out as I was and forced to make love to my wife on the kitchen floor I did enjoy that!’

The quest for the holy shlong
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The quest for the holy shlong

“Fuckin’ inconsiderate, thieving, conniving, disrespectful, immature, little dyke, bitch, cunt, FUCK!” I grumble quietly as I lie naked in bed next to a very worn out, sweaty and still panting Twilight. She rolls her eyes at my complaints and fluffs her pillow a bit.

“If you’re that upset about it being taken why don’t you just go get it back?” she asks.

I look at her and tilt my head in consideration of her idea. “You know what,” I say thoughtfully, “imma go do that.”

Twilight starts to say something but I’m already gone.

<><><><><>

Alone in her bed Twilight Sparkle facehooves and swears under her breath.

“I meant for you to summon it back not actually go and get it. Ugh.” She covers her face with a pillow and groans in frustration. “For such a smart man he can be so stupid! Lord help me…”

<><><><><>

I speed through a vortex of time, space, matter, and raspberry jello to the destination in my mind. I arrive in just a nano-second with little trouble and few issues; one of those few issues being my nudity, another being that my thoughts were off and I land in the throne room during day court as opposed to the intended target of Luna’s room. I smile awkwardly as the entire room turns to look in shock and in one case, guess who, awe at my sudden entrance.

“Hello everyone,” I say feigning confidence, “how are things goin’ Celly?” I whistle nonchalantly and start to make my way to the nearest door. Ponies and people alike scatter to keep out of my way as I side step out of the spotlight. I hear a pin drop somewhere behind me as I approach the wide double doors.

“Lafayette,” Celestia finally breaks the silence, “what in God’s name are you doing here… naked… next time just go to my room and wait for me!” she mouths the last part when the public’s eyes have returned to scrutinize me and hear my response.

“Well,” I begin. “I was already naked when I teleported here and I didn’t actually mean to come here, I meant to land in your sister’s room but I guess I got sidetracked our something.” I scoot closer to the door with the hope that I can escape this crowded place without any more delays.

“What…exactly is it that you were planning to do in my sister’s room?” Celestia continues.

‘Dammit!’ I think. I take a deep breath and think of a good lie… shit there is no good lies, any lie I could tell about why I was sneaking to Luna’s room naked would probably be worse than the truth. Aw fuck it.

“LunaandDulciestolemygiantdildosoIcameheretostealitback!” I shout out in one long breath. The crowd gasps and some lovely asshole wolf whistles.

“Uh,” Celestia stutters, caught off guard by my confession, “so why are you naked?”

“I needed to steal it back stealthily.” I bullshit.

“Uh huh,” Celly nods, “and how is that going for you?”

“Quite well actually. Hey,” I shout and point at some random corner, “isn’t that Elvis?” everyone in the room, celestial deity included, looks towards a stone wall as I fling open the door and make my escape. “Cheerio!” I holler back after I’m out of the room. Celly just stares at the open door as I run off.

“What the fuck just happened?” I hear her ask as I turn a corner, pass a guard, and sprint towards Luna’s private chambers.

I tear through hallways, hurdle over butlers, maids, and guards alike, maneuver in and out of a slalom of soldiers, and finally burst through the wrought iron doors of Luna’s personal chambers. My weight and forward momentum easily overcome the obstacle the looked entrance provides and I dive into the darkened room only to land face first on the hard wooden floors. A cry of terror followed by a shriek of embarrassment ring out as soon as the interracial, interspecies lesbian couple recognize who is intruding on them at such an intimate moment.

“DAD!?!” Dulcie screams from her submissive position as she struggles to cover herself with a sheet, a pillow, or at least her lover, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING AND WHY ARE YOU NAKED?” my red faced daughter wails at me.

I quickly stand and rush the entangled couple; I push the princess of the night of my daughter and pull Mutuniumos out of her before backpedaling away from an enraged angel.

“JUST WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THI-” her angry words are cut short by a sudden blinding light from which she and her lover both shield their eyes.

I rip the curtain the rest of the way from the window sill and move back the by doorway. Just as Dulcie begins to yell again I take off towards the window and jump through it in a single bound.

“I REGRET NOTHINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I proclaim to the world as the glass shatters and I dive out of the room and into the air. I drop steadily for a few seconds before uncovering and opening my wings. As I glide away from the palace I hear a faint, butch voice scream at me.

“FUCK YOU OLD MAN!”

I pump my wings and soar away from the castle as fast as I can towards Ponyville, stopping only once for an ice cream cone from a stunned vendor, and I return to the library just an hour after I first left.

<><><><><>

In a cold room nearly utterly devoid of light, save a single large ray, a demigoddess of the night and an angelic youth lie next to each other on an unmade bed and stare blankly at the shattered remains of a window. Neither one speaks as the shock of what just occurred is too great to overcome so quickly afterwards, all they can manage to do is embrace each other tentatively and whimper and shudder at the horrendous incident that had so recently befallen them. After a quarter of an hour spent rocking softly and shivering in terror the goddess of the sun hesitantly enters the room to discover just what exactly had occurred. Upon seeing her sister’s fearful state and the general disorder of the room her usual carefree demeanor abandons her.

“What. The. Fuck. Happened?” she asks quietly.

“Fuck if I know.” The nude angel next to her sister replies.

Together the three of them stare at the broken window for the rest of the evening until the goddesses remember their duties and set to them.

Few in Equestria know why night comes late tonight, few care and very few would even want to know.

After the usual business with the sun and the moon is over with the goddesses return to their respective rooms and bedfellows; Luna to her invaded sanctuary and her shell shocked angel, Celestia to her not so humble abode and her god of chaos as well as a waiting squadron of her personal guards. While the creamy, elder Alicorn resorts to a night of mindless carnal pleasure to rid the odd events of the day from her mind her gloomy sister just lies in bed while being stroked softly and whispered to lovingly by her human girlfriend in order to forget the unexpected and unwelcome actions of the day.

To each their own, I guess.

<><><><><>

I land in front of the library and walk to my room where I find a sleeping Twilight and an open book entitled The Apple of my eye, the stallion of my dreams with a picture of Big Macintosh on the cover. I sit down next to my sleeping wife and start reading the saucy romance from the top of the page where Twilight left off at.

“-but we’re plum broke!” the handsome, red workhorse replies. “Ah just can’t afford to pay ya for all the hard work you’ve done this harvest season. I know you deserve it, hell, I was out there in the orchard bucking with you every day, getting’ all sweaty and worn out right behind you. I feel right miserable but-” the towering stallion’s gruff voice is cut short as a pair of lips meets his unexpectedly.

“Maybe you could pay me in some other way…” the toned grey Pegasus opposite him whispers seductively as he withdraws from the kiss.

“Hmm,” the gentle giant hums, “how ’bout we go discuss this in the barn.” He says in his usual stoic manner, not even swayed or surprised by the sudden kiss from the stallion he’d come to think of as a brother over the past few weeks of apple harvesting.

The two ponies hurry in to the barn, one at a full gallop and the other at a simple trot, as thunder cracked overhead and the first drops of a massive storm began to fall. Once inside the cherry colored stud finds his ashen friend lying on his back in a pile of hay.

“About that payment?” he says while uncrossing his legs.

“Ah think I can arrange something for ya.” The larger of the two explains. He puts on hoof on a nearby wagon and uses the other to remove the heavy wood around his neck. As the hitch falls to the ground he lifts himself up onto his back legs to reveal a humongous-”

“Lafayette?”

I look away from the book and see that Twilight’s awake again.

“Hey Twi, what’s up?”

“Did you get Mutuniumos back?”

“Yep,” I tell her, holding up the still slick rubber dong as proof, “hey do you have any bleach?”

“Yes,” she answers as I hop out of the bed, “it’s in the laundry room. Wait, why do you need it?”

“No reason…” I lie.

“OK then, so did you punish Dulcie for taking that?”

“Nope,” I tell her as I walk out of the room, “but I don’t think she’ll ever steal from me again.”

Author's note: As of this chapter The life and times of Lafayette Ryder is going to be rated MATURE. While things will probably get a bit more raunchy all Clop and Gore will still go in the clop/gore side stories.

Cross my heart, hope to fly
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Cross my heart, hope to fly

“Isn’t this nice?” I ask as I cut up a large steak into bite size pieces for Thaddeus and I. “The whole family together for Sunday dinner and-”

*Cough* “Asshole.” *Cough* Dulcie interrupts me with an obviously fake coughing fit. I groan and hang my head.

“I already apologized a dozen times,” I say. “Will you please drop it?”

-Can I have the penetrator? - She asks in fluent Latin.

-I’ll get you your own. Now please stop this, we have guests. - I spit back at her.

“Thank you daddy!” she says sweetly, reverting to English and smiling as she does.

I smile to and look around the table, as I see the happy faces of my family my smile becomes less and less forced until it’s as natural as a bear shitting in the woods.

Twilight and the boys are on either side of my at the head of the table, Leeroy sits on the floor next to me and squawks occasionally, Dulcie and Luna, who’s damn near an official family member now considering how often she’s here, are on one side of the table while Dazzle and Orion sit opposite them, Shining and Cadance sit at the other end of the table, and an empty chair sits waiting next to Luna for her sister should she show up like she promised to.

Dinner was planned to start at seven, which is actually a few hours earlier than tradition here, and we waited for her until eight before we gave up and started to eat.

“She is very busy this time of year,” Luna argues for her sister’s sake as we sit down at the table, “she has to go through the censuses from every city to determine how much each household should pay in taxes for the year.”

“Really?” I ask her mildly bewildered. “Back on earth each household had to either figure their own taxes or pay to have a lawyer or firm do it for them. It was a huge pain in the…” I look at my children and my mother-in-law, “Butt.”

“Hmm, how odd.” Luna says in-between bites of her grilled fish.

“Wouldn’t that be difficult for average people to do?” Shining asks me.

“Yep, that’s why we have the IRS. They sort through things every year and audit anyone who cheats or messes up on their tax forms.” I tell him.

“That sounds awfully inefficient.” Twilight points out.

“That’s democracy for you,” I say, “the worst form of government except for all the others.”

“The Diarchy runs much smoother than that.” Cadance notes.

“Some of the books you gave me mentioned monarchies; don’t they run anywhere near as efficiently as our government?” Orion asks making me laugh. “What did I say?” he stares at me confused by his unintentional humor.

“Sorry, it’s just that human governments don’t work anything like yours.”

“Then how do they work?” Luna asks.

“Let’s see,” I scratch my beard and think, “democracy; a bunch of rich, white men get voted into power by the population and then do everything they can to stay there, make money, and occasionally help people out. Monarchies; a king or queen rules over an adoring public and does everything they can to stay there and ensure their kids stay there as well, oh and they sometimes do good too. Communism; works great in theory and in small, close knit groups, but fails miserably when applied to a country or used on a grand scale of any sort. Dictatorships always end badly because only one type of person becomes a dictator and he’s not the kind you want to have complete control over your life especially considering he’ll do anything to stay in power even if it means sacrificing half his people in order to save himself. And that’s about it.”I take another bite of steak before looking up; when I do I find seven ponies, two humans, and a jumbo sized chicken staring at me. “What?”

Shining starts chuckling without cause and the Orion and Luna join in. “You’re joking!” he says in. “You really had us going there for a minute with…all… of that…” the captain’s laughter dies down as he sees the serious looks on Dulcie’s face and my own. “You were kidding…right?” he asks lamely.

“No,” Dulcie says with a bit of sorrow in her voice, “he wasn’t, that’s what governments back home are really like.”

“Oh.” Shining says quietly.

“Why don’t you just do what we do?” Cadance offers. “Pick someone or a few people to rule as dictators who won’t abuse the post and will actually do good and then set them in charge for life.”

“Won’t work.” I tell her matter-of-factly.

“Why not? It works just fine here, isn’t that right auntie Luna?”

“It most certainly is.” Luna agrees.

“Oh,” I lean back in my chair and sigh, “several reasons; power corrupts and ultimate powers ultimately corrupts, there are far too few humans like Luna or Celly and most who are like them aren’t in any way fit to lead, Zarochracy could not work in the real world, and most importantly humans don’t live long enough for it to happen; you get one near perfect guy in office for maybe fifty years, he kicks the bucket and then you get some greedy tyrant in the making as a replacement. It just would not work.”

My family just stares at me.

“What?” Twilight finally asks somberly. I think for a minute and then it clicks.

“Oh, Zarochracy? It was a concept I came up with in high school for a project. It was a perfected government kind of like yours but made for humans, the only fatal flaws were finding a suitable candidate and then continually finding successors.”

“That’s…” Twilight stutters.

“That’s not what so meant when she said what.” Cadance finishes.

“Then what did she mean?” I ask cluelessly.

“Fifty years and then… passing on.” Dazzle answers.

“Well a good candidate would probably be in his thirties or maybe even his forties when he began and would probably have to retire somewhere between seventy or eighty due to physical and mental health issues. So yeah, fifty years in office max. Why’s that so strange?”

“Wha… what kind of ‘health issues’?” Luna asks quietly.

“Well, the human body starts wearing down around sixty years of age; deteriorating joints, weak bones, muscle loss, the heart weakens, skin thins, and the immune system doesn’t work so well anymore. And then the human mind has the nasty tendency to start going at around eighty or ninety; Alzheimer’s, dementia, general forgetfulness, and then for the few who live to a hundred or older their minds eventually just… go I guess. They can’t think, or speak or do and after a while their bodies catch up and they slip away. Humans just aren’t made to live much past a hundred years and the way my generation lived most didn’t even hit…” I stop talking when I hear the sobs from both sides of me. “What’s…?” I stop speaking because it hits me; the time gap! They must have never even considered it until now.

“Daddy?” Starbright sniffles and reaches over to hold my hand.

“Yes Starry?” I say using his favorite nick name.

“Are you gonna die soon?” he asks with tears in his eyes.

“No Starry, I’m not gonna die until I’m good and ready and that won’t be for a long, long time.”

“Promise?” Thaddeus asks.

“I promise.” I pat him on the back and remember something a friend once taught me. “Cross my heart, hope to live, so long as I’m here, all my love I’ll give.” I go through the motions perfectly despite not using them since kindergarten; cross chest, kiss fist, pat thigh, and then hug whoever you’re promising too.

“Why did you remake Pinkie’s promise?” Twilight asks suddenly, sorrow still mingling in with her words.

“Huh?” I mumble. “An old friend of mine taught me that when I was young, I’ve never even heard Pinkie use it.”

“How…odd.” Twilight remarks.

I put the boys to bed, hugging and kissing and promising once more that I won’t die for a long, long time to each of them. They’re asleep before I even turn the light off in their room. When I walk back into the kitchen Celly is there chatting with everyone and mom, dad, Shining, and Cadance are preparing to leave.

“Bye son.” Orion says with a hug and a gentle pat on the shoulder. I can tell what he’s thinking now; ‘My baby girl’s gonna be a widow when she’s still young…’

“Bye honey.” Dazzle says with a kiss to the cheek. I hear her thought too; ‘Oh goodness gracious how awful! And to think my grand baby’s going to go before I do!’

“See ya bro.” Shining says with a shake. ‘I’ve always protected Twily from every danger but I can’t protect her from the pain she’s going to face when his time comes.’

“Goodbye brother.” Cadance says with and affectionate yet chaste nuzzle. I notice the slight bulge of her stomach and know it’s not from eating too much salad or fish. I just smile and block out her thoughts about me because her’s would probably be the first to make me weep.

I wave to my adopted siblings and parents as they enter a royal coach and are flown home, I sit back down to talk to my wife, daughter, and two deity friends of mine, I bite my cheek, and I force myself not to breakdown right now despite all the pain and worry building up inside of me. I just barely succeed.

“Sorry for being so late,” Celestia apologizes sincerely, “I had to finish up those pesky tax reports before I could come down.”

“Yep,” I agree, “those pesky fuckin’ tax reports.” My voice cracks at the last word and I try to cover it up with a hollow cough.

“Is everything alright?” Celly asks, obviously concerned with my remake.

“Fine, just fine.” I tell her and twilight and most importantly myself. “But I think I left the grill on so I’d better go check that before it burns the house down.” I get up and walk to the patio door. “Again.” I mumble as I slid the glass door open and slip outside.

I stand in the dark for five minutes just staring at the grill until I hear the door open and shut again. I turn expecting to find Twi or Dulcie but instead see Tia walking out towards me.

“Is the grill alright?” she asks.

“Yep.” I nudge the metal stand with my bare foot. “It’s off alright, no chance of it exploding or catching fire or anything exciting like that.”

“Are you-”

“Yes,” I snarl at her, “I’m just fucking peachy keen OK?” I turn my back on her and fiddle with a knob on the grill.

Celestia sighs and walks around and back into my field of vision.

“Cut the shit,” she says, “Twilight told me about the mortality thing, the hundred years at best and all that and now you’re depressed because of it.”

“No,” I correct her, “I depressed because they know. Dying doesn’t scare me, not in the least. You know what scares me? Disappointing those I love, leaving them behind, not being there for them, fucking up and making them hate me, failing, life.” I chuckle. “Weird huh? Death doesn’t scare me, life does.”

“I can fix that.” Celly says gingerly.

“I can face my own fears thank you very much.”

“No, I meant the dying part.”

“What?”

“You’re already part Alicorn; born of the land, strong and resilient, graced by the sky to soar, and learned in the arcane ways of magic. All you need is the lifespan and-”

"No."

“What?”

“No, I’m not letting you turn me into some sort of immortal demigod. I’m going to live my life, hopefully well, and that’s that. No revival, no extra lives, no restart. When the games over you think about how fun it was and about all the good times you had playing it and then you move on to whatever’s next be it another game, for the better or worse, a fluffy cloud where you’re dressed in robes, wings and a halo, playing a harp or a fiery cave where you’re wearing overalls, getting stabbed in the ass with a pitchfork and playing accordions and banjos. I know I’m rambling but I have a point buried somewhere in there; I’m already on life number two, I don’t want to go for double or triple digits, I just want to enjoy the time I have here and then pass on. So no, I won’t even consider it.”

Celestia hangs her head and frowns as I plop down in a wicker lawn chair and feel my heart jump.

“If that is what you truly desire, do you not even wish to live as long as-”

“No, I said this earlier and I’ll say it now; humans aren’t built for more than a hundred years. We’re like cars, warranty expires at sixty and then everything breaks and once we hit so many miles every part of us is worn to the nub.”

“I could-”

“What? Patch me up? You don’t put a new motor in an old, beat to hell chassis, you do and then a good part lies in a bad frame, you replace that and next thing you know you have a completely new car.” I hold up my left hand for her to see. “I’m already part cyborg, part machine, part ghost. The last thing I want is to become nothing but a shadow of myself, a new mind in a new brain in a new head on a new body, Twi couldn’t love that, the boys couldn’t be raised by that, nothing good would come of that. Leave things well enough alone and they’ll work out in the end, it’s when you meddle with fate and destiny that bad shit happens.” I push myself out of the chair and walk back inside. “I’m getting a beer, you want one?” Tia nods and follows me into the kitchen. I grab four beers and a bottle of hard cider from the fridge and walk back into the dining room. I put on a fake smile and pass out the drinks. Everyone opens their bottles and I propose a toast.

“To living a life worthwhile.” We raise our bottles in cheers and piss the next few hours away.

It’s nearly midnight when Tia goes home and Luna and Dulcie hit the hay. I carry my lightweight wife, who is already highly intoxicated by a single beverage that wouldn’t even make me tipsy, to our room and lay her down in bed. I strip down and climb in next to her. She nuzzles me drunkenly and giggles as she starts to go down on me. I smile but pull her back up.

“Wut?” she slurs. “Don’t you wanna-”

“No,” I answer softly, “no, tonight I just want to lay here and snuggle with my wife until she falls asleep in my arms.” I embrace Twilight and pull her giggly self near to me. “I want to kiss her,” I kiss her gently on the neck and work my way up to her lips, stopping between everyone to speak again, “I want to feel her body against mine,” she scoots closer to me, “I want to see her beautiful smile,” she flashes me a mouthful of pearly whites and hiccups loudly, “and I want to tell her,” I kiss her on the mouth so lightly that my lips just barely brush hers, “that I love her,” I kiss her again, monger and more passionately this time, “more than she could possibly imagine,” again I kiss her, “and that I will,” I hold her tight and look deep into her eyes as I kiss her once more, “forever and ever, even after I’m dead and gone.” Our lips break apart and I smile as Twilight Sparkle Ryder, the one true love of my second life, falls asleep in my arms, smiling and crying all at once. I kiss her on the forehead just above her brow and just below her horn.

“Cross my heart and close my eyes,
Hope to die but pray to live,
So long as I’m here on earth,
To you all my love I’ll give.”

I sing quietly, so quietly that I can barely hear it myself, the words that my best friend taught a lifetime ago in kindergarten and before I know it I’m asleep too.

Not a good morning
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Not a good morning

I sleep soundly and wake up at the usual time. I hear the showers running and notice that Twilight’s not in bed so I jump to a logical assumption and decide to play a little prank on my beloved. I tiptoe to the bathroom door and ease it open gently so that it makes no noise and then I sneak around the shower stealthily. In one fluid motion I step past the curtain, onto the wet ceramic, and grab Twilight’s plot with both hands.

My prank works almost perfectly; pleasuring me and scaring the living shit, not literally, out of Twilight, but there’s one small hitch in the plan which is entirely not my fault.

I stare in shock at the ass I’m holding, I had expected a deep purple plot but instead have one hand on and one hand in a black and blue buttock.

“Oh shi-” I manage to say before a strong, bucking kick knocks me off of my feet and into the tile wall behind me. I gasp and wheeze as an assaulted princess turns on me.

“WHAT IN EQUESTRIA?!?!” she screams in the royal Canterlot voice, or the volume at least. I just sit on the damp floor and try to breath.

“What the fuck?” Dulcie looks past her marefriend and at me.

I stare at the two young, beautiful, sopping wet, naked girls and blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Why the fuck are you two using my shower?” I ask as I slowly stand up. Dulcie turns the water off and puts a hand on her hip.

“The hot water in my shower went out so-”

“So you’re fucking your girlfriend in mine instead.” I dead pan without even looking at them.

“Uh…” Luna stutters.

“Damn,” I mumble, “look at the size of this bruise you gave me. if only you two weren’t fucking maybe my ribs would still be intact and my spleen would still be in my abdomen.”

“We weren’t… doing that.” Luna argues lamely.

“Then what’s with the dildos and the lube and the…” I point at a ruined tan sponge. “My loofah mitt, seriously?”

“Fine!” Dulcie shouts at me. “We were fucking in your shower! Now will you leave?”

“Will you buy me a new loofah mitt?” I ask her as I mourn the loss of my old one.

“Yes, now will you-”

“It has to be just like this one.” I interrupt.

“Uh, why does it have to be just like that one,” Dulcie asks, “can’t it be any loofah?”

“Nope,” I tell her, “it has to be just like this one.”

“Why?” Luna suddenly inquires.

“A regular loofah can’t reach all the same places this one can.”

“GAHHH!” Luna and Dulcie both cry out.

“I put that-” Dulcie shouts.

“And I rubbed my-” Luna whimpers.

“What the hay is going on in-” Twilight sticks her head into the shower and stares at us in shock, “-here?” she finally says after a long pause. Luna, Dulcie, and I stare at her as she stares at us.

“They,” I point at my daughter and the princess, “were fucking and I,” I pat myself on the chest, “was bitching at them for fucking.” The staring contest continues. “Also, they ruined our loofah.” I hold up the slimy sponge and twilights gasps.

“That was my favorite loofah mitt! It could reach everywhere!” she whines, making Luna and Dulcie groan in disgust again. The staring match resumes.

“So…” Luna breaks the silence. “Should we go?”

“Yes.” Twi and I answer her as one. We stand aside as the two lovers leave the shower and exit the room quickly. Before I can even turn the water back on Dulcie peaks in again and asks for a towel which I chuck at her head. Once she’s gone I turn the hot water on full blast and Twilights joins me under the near scalding cascade after closing and locking the door.

“So what was all that about?” she asks.

“Oh, the hot water died in her shower so the two of them came in here to fuck but I thought it was you so I walked in and accidently goosed Luna and then we just started arguing. Did I mention they molested our loofah?”

“Yes, you did.” Twilight manipulates a bottle of shampoo and pours some on her back, being the nice guy I am I lather her up. “What are we going to do about those two?” she asks in exasperation.

“I honestly don’t know. I love Dulcie and I don’t want to have her move out but this shit is getting old quick.” I tell her. “Ouch.” I bitch as her tail brushes my side.

“Oh my gosh!” she exclaims when she sees the discoloration and bruising on my abdomen. “Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” I wave her concerns off and rub my stomach gently, “just some broken ribs, internal bleeding, and possibly a misplaced spleen. Nothing to worry about.” Even as I’m saying this the black and blue marks fade and the bones reconnect. “See,” I point at my now healed body, “all better.” I take the shampoo that twilight had been using and apply some to my beard.

“What was that?” twilight asks suspiciously.

“I don’t have any hair on my head so I’m washing the hair on my face. Is that OK?”

“No,” she replies angrily, “I meant the healing yourself bit.”

“Oh, that? I healed myself with magic, big whoop.”

“Lafayette.”

“Yes?”

“Celestia sent me a letter this morning.”

“Doesn’t she usually do that?”

“Well yes, but this one was about your conversation with her last night.”

“Dammit.”

“She offered you immortality and you refused it.”

“What good would that be? I’d outlive you and the boys and all my friends, I don’t want that.”

“She could have altered the spell to make you live as long as-”

“No, Twilight, she couldn’t have.”

“What? That’s princess Celestia we’re talking about here; she can do anything!”

“She can’t change what God did.”

“What?”

“Humans ARE NOT MADE to live past a hundred years. Period. No amount of science, magic, or luck will change that and even if it could I still wouldn’t do it.”

“Why, don’t you want to be with us?” Twilight whispers.

I sigh and sit on the floor next to Twi so I’m eye level with her.

“No, I want nothing more than to spend all the time I can with you and the boys it’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“My mind is already slipping. I can just barely hold onto it at the time being, I don’t know how well I can hold on five or ten years from now let alone a hundred. If I did live that long it would just be my body, a mindless automaton, not Lafayette, not the man you love, not me.”

“Are you serious?”

“Dead serious…literally…”

“So what exactly is going on in your mind?”

“The different personalities in there are splitting and tearing my mind as they do so. If they split all the way…”

“Then what?”

“Then my personality ceases to exist because it is part of each of them. I already feel part of me gone, the part that was Jeffery is dead now and one whole chunk of my personality is lost forever I think.”

“Wow.” Twilight sits back on her haunches and looks at me. “So you’re already…”

“Slipping. That’s what the old folks call it when it happens to them, they feel their minds slipping right away and when it goes they go with it.” I close my eyes to hide my tears but a pair of familiar lips against my own makes me look at Twi again.

“Fight it,” she whispers as she kisses me, “fight it and stay with us, at least until you’re old enough that it should start to happen. I won’t ask you to stay longer if you can’t but please, please stay with me for as long as you can.” She begs.

“Alright.” I promise her. “I’ll do that. Now come on, I got a lot of shit to do today.”

We finish showering and I dress. While I make the boys breakfast Twilight calls Rarity to watch the boys for us while we’re out. We say goodbye to Starry and Teddy and head out once Rarity and Toby show up. On our way out of town Twilight asks about the days agenda.

“Breed some super cows and some regular ones too, prepare for the dragon migration, change a few laws, and then hang a man.”

“Wait, what?”

Hang 'em high and let God sort 'em out
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Hang 'em high and let God sort 'em out

There’s already a crowd of three thousand people loitering in the courtyard when we pull into Haven, every one of the people there has a right to witness the hanging but I still wish it could have been done in private rather than in public. Twilight and I exit the truck and walk over in front of the gathered masses.

“Good morning sheriff.” I say to Chuck.

“There ain’t a damn thing good ’bout this morning,” he grumbles, “come on now; let’s get this business dealt with.”

We start to walk over to a nearby oak tree and the prisoner waiting beneath it but a sudden shout stops us in our tracks.

“Why are you going to hang him?”

Chuck and I turn around to see Twilight glaring at us and waiting for an answer.

“Miss Ryder,” Chuck says respectively, “this feller we’re fixin’ to execute… he deserves it, that’s all I’m sayin’.” Chuck walks away from us and over to the tree where he lights a smoke and waits for me.

“Lafayette,” Twilight looks to me, “why are you doing this?”

“You’ll see in a moment.” I tell her and leave to join Chuck. Twilight follows me but stays back a bit. Sheriff Towery stands and addresses the crowd as I lean against the oak tree and deftly tie a noose at the end of a length of hemp rope.

“Citizens of Haven,” Chuck announces, “we are here today to hang Gerald Bloodworth for crimes worthy of the death penalty. Just two nights ago he raped, beat, and then tried to kill young Jenny McCommic. He was identified by Jennifer herself and eluded myself and Officer Brown,” Chuck points at a man in uniform with a bandaged arm who is scowling at the condemned, “when we confronted him. After a lengthy chase we cornered Gerald and he stabbed at and injured Officer Brown. We held a court session yesterday afternoon where Gerald pleaded guilty and a jury of twenty five of his peers voted for this punishment, since then both our acting mayor Mr. Neil and our governor Mr. Ryder have agreed with this decision. Governor Ryder is here now and will be carrying out the punishment.”

That’s my cue.

“That’s why,” I say to Twi as I leave her and take the noose over to the tree. In one swift toss I send the rope over a sturdy branch and catch the noose end as it swings back at me.

“Gerald Bloodworth,” he stands slowly and walks over to me, “you are to be hung until death for your crimes, would you like to speak to a priest or a preacher one last time before your punishment is dealt?”

“No sir, I’ve already sorted all that out.” he speaks so softly that I have to resort to lip reading to be sure of what he said.

“Would you like to be given your last rights or confess anything now?”

“No sir, I’ve taken care of that as well.”

“Very well, have you any last words or requests?”

“Yes, two; I hear that you enjoy fine cigars, could I have one?”

“I suppose so.” I conjure a Cuban and place it in the shackled man’s mouth; I light it and let him take a few deep drags before pulling it away so he could tell me his second requests and last words.

“Could you speak to Jen…” his voice cracks and he chokes back a sob, “Jenny for me… just… just tell her I’m sorry, so sorry for what I’ve done to her. Please tell her that.” I let him take a few more puffs as I talk.

“I will do that but I can’t guarantee that she’ll forgive you or even listen when I try to tell her, but I will tell her. Any last words?”

He looks at me and the scans the crowd.

“Please forgive me for what I’ve done, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. That’s all.”

“Are ya ready?” Sheriff Towery asks from my side.

“Yes sir, may I smoke a bit more while you set it up?”

I nod my head and place the blunt back in-between his lips. I dawdle and take my time walking Gerald over beneath the branch, I fiddle with the rope a bit and slowly slide the noose over his head, safely past his half smoked cigar, and then snugly around his throat.

“I hope it’s not too tight.” Chuck mutters in an unusually cruel tone.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Gerald murmurs, ignoring the sheriff’s insult.

“Ready?” I ask and offer the crying man a blindfold.

“Yes, no. I mean yes to being ready and no to the mask, I’d like to get one last glimpse of this world before I go.” He inhales deeply and nods his head. “Take your time Mr. Governor, I’m ready, I can take all the pain death has in store for me, I can take it, go ahead.”I take the Cuban back and toss it on the ground trampling it underfoot as I take my place behind Gerald and grasp the thick rope.

“Women, children, ponies, and any of y’all wit a faint heart should look way now.” Chuck warns. I notice Twilight out of the corner of my eye, she flinches as I start pulling but doesn’t avert her gaze like so many in the crowd do.

I pull the rope taught and reset my grip; with two strong pulls I lift Gerald completely off the ground and four feet into the air. I tug and he ascends further until I stop. I can hear his muffled grunts as his throat is constricted and air ceases to flow to his lung, I could swear that every noise he makes is an attempt to say “I’m sorry” again just before he dies. He doesn’t flail or jerk around in any attempts to escape; he doesn’t even twitch as I kill hm.

I hold the rope and count as I keep him suspended in air; 1second… 5... 10… 20… 30…45 and he’s out cold. He whines a bit just before his head slumps to the side; one last apology, one last plea for forgiveness, and one or two last words too quit to possibly hear. I wait another fifteen seconds before finishing the execution; I wouldn’t want him alive for this last bit, he’s paid his dues already I think. I let the rope slide a foot, holding it firmly enough that it wears my palms raw as it slips through my fingers, and then I jerk it back. People in the crowd winch and Sheriff Towery looks down at his boots when a sickly snap sounds from Gerald’s neck. He’s dead now, that’s for sure.

I lower the corpse down, allowing the rope to further burn my hands as I do so, and walk up to the slouching body. I kneel down, undo the noose, and pick Gerald up. I sling him over my shoulder and stand again to address the crowd.

“THIS is the punishment for such crimes as rape, murder, whether it be planned, attempted, or committed, or assault on one of your neighbors. ANYONE who commits such acts WILL be hung as soon as they are convicted and proved guilty. I hope I will never have to perform such a morbid task as this again but I WILL if I have to. WE were handpicked by GOD to be here, we should be doing better than RAPING and MURDERING! I know of the drugs going through here, not the weed or the shrooms but the coke, the heroine, and the meth, I know of the budding prostitution rings, I know of the illegal gambling halls, the underage drinking and smoking, the mindless fucking, and the general failure to act like good human beings. These things WILL STOP NOW. Anyone caught committing such crimes from here on out WILL HANG. Now go home, pitch the booze, flush the drugs, quit turning tricks, and act like GODDAMN civilized people. I’m ashamed I even have to say this to you all and I expect things to change for the better or else this tree WILL see much more use. Now go.” I turn my back on the shocked crowd and walk away.

Neither Twilight nor Sheriff Towery catch up with me until I’m in the cemetery we so recently designated. I’ve already set the body down and started on the grave when my wife and the head of police call my name.

“Twi, Chuck what’re you two doing here?”

“Was gonna help you with burring this bas… fella.” Sheriff Towery explains, abandoning the swear halfway through due to a ladies presence.

“I want to talk to you,” Twi says and then nods at Chuck, “in private. Also, you’re my ride home.” She half jokes.

“S’OK Chuck,” I tell him, “I’ve got this, you go check on Jenny and her family, I’ll be there in a bit.”

“Yes sir.” He replies and promptly leaves.

Once he’s outside of the cemetery’s fencing I look to Twilight.

“So what did you want to talk about?” I ask as I heave another shovelful of dirt out of the shallow pit and onto a nearby pile.

“I wanted…” She starts. “You just… earlier…”

“I executed a convicted criminal who has ruined the life of a little girl, I feel no remorse for ending Gerald’s life, but I do feel sorry for Jenny, and pissed that I couldn’t stop this from ever happening. It’s a bit like the evil apple I guess, even if Eve hadn’t eaten it then and tempted her husband there someone else would have done it sometime, somewhere else, this would have happened eventually whether I was here or not.”

I toss another shovelful of dirt out of the hole and stand back as a hundred and eight square feet of dirt levitates out of the ground and comes crashing down next to me.

“Look at me when you talk to me…please.”

I drop the shovel and turn around.

“You weren’t talking, you were mumbling.”

“You killed him…”

“Yes.”

“You people killed him for committing crimes, you kill killers?”

“Yeah, that’s what we do back on earth and here under my rule; you kill one of use and we kill you back.”

“That’s…That’s…”

“That’s the best form of persuasion we have Twi, you don’t have murderers, repeat offenders, and serial killers, rapists, arsonists, thieves here. We had them back home and apparently we have them here too.”

“So you just kill them and hope to “persuade” others not to do the same?”

“Yes.”

Twilights just sighs and looks at the body.

“So why are you burying it?”

“That’s just another thing we do.”

“Bury your dead? You’re kidding right?”

“Nope, we don’t have a cremation furnace yet and I’m not gonna bar-be-que this guy so I’m digging a deep hole and dropping him in.”

“How… odd.”

“Odd’s ditching dead bodies in a forest to rot and be eaten by scavengers.”

“Don’t judge our traditions! Besides nopony actually does that anymore, we cremate all the dead these days.”

“Whatever.” I unceremoniously toss the body into the hole and start scooping dirt on top of it only to have Twilight do my job with magic once again.

“Hey.”

“What?”

“Don’t do that to me.”

“Why not? I just helped you out.”

“I killed him, it was my job to bury him, there’s rules about this kind of thing Twi.”

“I’d like to read that book.” Damn sarcasm.

“It’s not in any book Twi, there’s just unwritten rules about killing; you can loot the body but don’t take pictures or sentimental things, don’t desecrate bodies, and unless it’s in the wake of battle you bury those you killed.”

“Oh.”

“Oh’s right. Now come on, it’s getting dark and I still have to go talk to Jenny and her family.”

Together Twilight and I leave the fresh grave without so much as a prayer and head back into town.

Loli, loli, loli
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Loli, loli, loli

Despite it’s three thousand some inhabitants Haven isn’t that big of a city, with a dozen large apartments in less than one square mile housing every man, woman, child, and pony living here it’s actually quite small.

Twilight and I take a leisurely stroll to one such of these apartments, complex four-b to be exact, and buzz ourselves in. We walk up seven flights of stairs to get to the right floor and the pass forty two doors on our way to the McCommics’ home. I rap on the door, three simple taps rather than my custom tuned knock, and stand back as it swings open.

A red-eyed, mild aged woman, Beatrice McCommic if I recall correctly, opens the door and embraces me in a sudden and somewhat violent hug. I pat her on the back gingerly as she cries into my chest.

“Is he dead?” she asks in-between sobs. “Did you kill that bastard yet?”

“He was hung earlier this afternoon and I buried him myself just before coming here, I assure you he is dead and gone.”

“Thank God he’s gone,” Mrs. McCommic prays, “I sure do hope he’s burning in hell. So why is it that you’re here Mr. Governor?” she asks, prying herself away from me and wiping a damp eye with a used tissue and sniffling as she does.

“I was hoping to speak to you and your daughter; I may be able to help you both out.”

“Oh, of course, come in Mr. Governor, you too Miss Ryder.” She holds the door for Twilight and I. “Take a seat anywhere you like, oh, would you like something to drink Mr. Governor?”

Twilight and I sit together on a plush, blue loveseat and accept the proffered drinks.

“A glass of cider please, if you have any.” Twi asks politely.

“Certainly Miss Ryder and what would you like Mr. Governor?” Beatrice asks me again.

“A beer if you have it, if not then anything cold and wet would be greatly appreciated.” I tell her. She smiles and walks into the kitchenette to fetch us our drinks.

‘Miss Ryder?” Twilight mouths silently at me. I just shrug my shoulders and turn back to Mrs. McCommic as she returns with two bottles for us.

“A cold cider for you Miss Ryder,” she hands Twi the darker of the two bottles and shies away when Twilight grabs it telekinetically, “um, and a beer for you Mr. Governor, I hope Peirce Brother’s is acceptable.”

I take the locally brewed beverage and thank her.

“That sounds delicious,” I say as she sits down across from us, “before we talk about my idea I just have to ask; what’s with the nicknames? I’ve heard four or five different people use the same two for Twi and I today and I’ve never heard them before.”

“Uh,” she stutters, “nicknames?”

“Mr. Governor and Miss Ryder.”

“Oh those?” she chuckles half heartedly. “I’m so sorry, that’s just a running gag about you two, some of the kids call you that jokingly and most of the adults have picked up the habit. Oh I do hope you’re not offended by my saying it.”

“I’m not easily offended but-”

“But,” Twilight interrupts me, “why am I called “Miss”? I’m married; I should be called Mrs. Ryder if nothing else.”

“It’s a bit of a complement dear, you’re so much younger than Mr…” she looks up at me for the correct name.

“Just call me Lafe.”

“You’re so much younger than Lafe when it comes to human years that people joke that he’s a cradle robber and call you “Miss” because of it.” Beatrice explains.

“I kind of like that,” Twilight giggles at the nickname, “but why do you compare ponies to humans rather than the other way around?”

“Well-”

“We can discuss that later Twi,” I cut in, “for right now I just want to talk to Mrs. McCommic and her daughter about the issue at hand.” I turn back to Beatrice and sigh. “I’m sure you’re aware of my magical abilities,” she nods, “One of these powers is to make people forget things, if both you and your daughter consent to it I can erase this whole unfortunate mess from everyone’s minds and it will be like it never happened.”

“Yes,” she immediately agrees, “I’m sorry to seem rushed but yes, as long as Jenny gives you the OK you can go ahead and do that. The last thing I want on my baby’s mind is that dreadful man or the horrible things he did to her. She’s in her room, down the hall, first door on the left, you can go talk to her now.”

I down the remainder of my bottle and follow her directions to a pink door with a Justice Beiber decal on it, oh man that chick is a dyke, I don’t get why so many people like her especially considering how badly she sings. Whatever, who even cares about shit like that. I knock on the door and hear a quiet response to enter. I open the door and walk into a preteen wasteland of frilly pink and poofy purple. I had expected some girly shit but I hadn’t expected this much. On second thought I hadn’t expected Jenny to be a nine year old either. Well that changes some things dramatically.

“Hello Jenny, I’m-“

“You’re Lafayette Ryder, the governor, I know you,” she interrupts, “you were there when they started the school I go to, you were here helping people when mommy and me moved in here, you even helped me carry a suitcase in that was too heavy for me. Thanks for that by the way”

“No problem.” I tell her.

“So why are you here… other than…that…”

“I have a possible solution to that actually and your mother has already approved it.” i'll tell her Gerald's words before I erase all of her memories of him, I'm a man of my word even if I am a troll.

“What’s that?”

“If you want me to I can erase that incident from your memory permanently. I’ll also erase it from everyone else’s. It’ll be like it never even-“

“Yes! Do it now! Please!”

“OK, I will but first I need you to tell me about it.”

“Why?”

“I can’t erase a memory if I know nothing about it and I really don’t want to make you forget that it happened but remember bits and pieces of it.”

“Ok then…well it was two nights ago, he came over to talk to mommy but she was out buying groceries so I opened the door and let him in. he asked me if I wanted to play and when I said yes he…after he did that I ran to my room but he followed me and caught me and… I started screaming and he started hitting me. Gerry stopped by like he always does and saw it and called Mr. Towery to come help and then-”

“Wait, what did you say?”

“Mr. Towery came down-”

“No, before that.”

“Gerry stopped by-”

“Gerry…as in-”

“Gerald Bloodsworth, I call him Gerry.”

“So then who… hurt you?”

“I don’t know, all I know is that Gerry heard my screams and called for help.”

“Why was Gerry there?”

“He stops by sometimes when mommy’s out, we play tag and he takes my pictures and sometimes he even gives me massages!”

“Is that so…”

“Yep, and he stopped by, he had said something earlier about having a “special gift” just for me. I think he had stopped by to give me that gift when he heard what was going on.”

Things start to click in my mind and I realize the mistake that was made and the consequences of it.

“Jenny, you said you didn’t know who hurt you, can you describe him for me?”

“Uh huh, he was almost as tall as you, really strong and muscully, he had a, um, what do you cal hair around your mouth like this?” she draws her fingers all the way around her upper and lower lips.

“A goatee?”

“Yeah, that! And he had dark skin, not like yours which is all tanned but not like mister Davis, whose skin is black, either. The guy’s skin was more like Mister Davis’s skin if he poured some bleach on it or something. Oh, he had really curly hair too, it went down to his neck, and he wore a fancy gold chain. That’s all I remember.”

I sit and stare silently at Jenny as she gives me a perfect description of a man I know well, of a man I called a friend of mine, of Fish.

End of friends
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

End of friends

With a flick of my wrist I stupefy Jenny, erasing all of her memories of her assault and rape, of Gerald, and even of my visit. I leave her room before she comes to again and hurry back to where Twilight and Beatrice are waiting.

“We’re going. Now.” I command with a snap of my fingers.

Twilight follows me out the door and Mrs. McCommic stays blankly at a wall until I shut the door to her apartment. Once outside Twi turns on me and blocks my path to the stairs.

“What was that about?”

“Things have changed,” I tell her, “you’re going home right now and I’m going to go deal with it.”

“No, I’m-”

“NO Twilight, you ARE going home.” I order her. “Watch the boys, feed Leroy, I’ll be back soon. Goodbye.” I flick the tip of Twilight’s horn and watch as she disappears before my eyes.

Now that Twi’s gone home I can fix this mess, well some of it anyway.

I take the stairs three at a time and hurry though town, cleansing the populace of all memories related to Gerry and the incident, all the people of Haven soon forget the whole ordeal, all but a few.

I run into Sheriff Towery, literally, on my way to one of the few private homes in the city.

“Sorry Chuck,” I say, pulling him to his feet once more, “didn’t even see you there.”

“Not a problem Mr.-”

“Lafe.”

“Uh, Ok… Lafe. So where are you going in such a hustle, we’re almost all the way ready for the migration next week, all that’s left to do is breed some cattle for those scaly bastards to munch on while they’re here.”

“I’ll do that before I leave tonight, right now I need to go.” I turn to walk away but a strong hand clamps down on my shoulder.

“What’s the problem… Lafe? You seem mighty upset.”

“Come with me and I’ll explain on the way.” I break into a slow jog and the overweight officer starts to follow me, huffing and puffing as we go.

“So what’s the matter?”

“Gerald Bloodsworth didn’t rape Jenny.”

“What? Then who the hell did?”

“You’ll soon see.”

“OK, so if Gerald didn’t do it why did he confess to doing it?”

“He didn’t rape Jenny but he was planning on doing it.”

“How do you know that?”

“Jenny told me how he’d come over when her mother wasn’t around and play with her, give her massages and take her pictures. She said he had promised her a “special gift” and planned to share it with her the same night that she was raped; Gerry stopped by to give her the present and heard the commotion. He was the one who called you to stop it. Whoever was assaulting Jenny heard him outside and fled the scene before you and Brown got there.”

“Then why did Gerald run? Why did he confess to the rape?”

“He knew he was guilty, he ran and then stabbed Brown to get away, I think that was when he realized how bad he had gotten; planning to molest a little girl, running from police, stabbing one of them, I think that was when he decided to quit and face the consequences of his crimes, both those he had committed and those he had intended to commit.”

“So he let us hang him because he felt just as guilty as the bastard who actually did hurt Jennifer?”

“Yep,” I slow as we approach the house, “we’re here.”

“Go on in,” Chuck orders, “under the circumstance I think we’re justified at the moment.”

I walk up to the front door and start to knock. A piercing scream from inside stops me cold.

“POLICE!” Chuck shouts as he kicks the door open and completely off its hinges.

“Thanks.” I mutter as I barge into the luxurious living room of the house.

I flex my fingers and my full armor solidifies onto my skin. My old Desert Eagle rests firmly in my grip as I move from room to room. When I make it into the hallway leading to the bedrooms a man of height nearly equal to mine with dark skin, but not too dark, and a gold chain around his neck slips out of a room and shouts at me for breaking into his home.

“LAFE, bro, what in the fuck are you doing?”

“Who just screamed?” I ask without even acknowledging my friends question.

“Where were you at two days ago when Jennifer McCommic was attacked?” Sheriff Towery adds.

“What the shit man? I was chillin’ here with my new girl, she was the one screamin’ by the way, we were… busy
when you came in. Wait, why the fuck are you axing me ’bout that?”

“I just got done talking to Jenny,” I tell him, “she told me that a man of your exact description was the one who raped her, not Gerald.”

“Shit man, you don really believe that kid do you? I’m sure she’s all whacked out in the head from trauma an shit.” Fish raises his hands defensively. “Now how ’bout y’all both put those guns away and head out so I can get back to my little lady?”

“No,” I say loudly, “I need proof that you didn’t do this before I can drop the matter.”

“Too bad,” Fish scowls at me, “no will y’all kindly git the fuck off my property?”

“No, now prove to us that it wasn’t you or else I’m going to tear through this house until I find it myself.” I threaten.

“You can’t do that, it’s illegal!” Fish shouts at me.

“It might have been back in the states but I don’t recall making any such laws here.” I tell him. “Now prove to me that you weren-”

“Mr. Mayor?” a young, feminine voice calls out from the door that Fish is standing in front of. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah babe,” Fish says back, “I’ll be right- hey! What the hell man? Wait! Don’t go in there!” he yells at me as I shoulder past him and open the door. “I told you not to go in there.” He says coldly as I look at the bed and the naked girl lying on it, she can’t be older than eight years old.

“So were you planning to try and kill this one too?” I ask, spitting venom at my pedophiliac of a friend.

“Nope,” he corrects me, “Suzy here’s a good girl, she doesn’t fight or bite like that fucking McCommic bitch. Ain’t that right babe?”

“Yep!” Suzy agrees with a big, toothy smile. “I just love it when you play with me Mr. Mayor!”

“If you already had a willing plaything,” Chuck asks, “then why did you rape Jennifer?”

“What can I say? When I see a fine piece of ass I go after it regardless of age or acceptance. Jenny refused so I forced her.”

“You know how much trouble you’re in son?” Chuck asks from behind us.

“Yep, but I’m sure my buddy,” Fish nudges me and smiles brightly, “will let me off the hook. Ain’t that right bro?”

“No.” I tell him coldly.

“Wha?” he asks shocked. “Come on brah, I’ve saved your ass more times than I can even count, I was always there for you, I was your brother!”

“My brother wouldn’t rape little girls and then try and KILL them!” I shout in his face.

“Dude, that’s just who I am.” He argues. I look deep into his eyes and speak in the sweetest voice I can muster.

“Then you’re no brother of mine.” I turn away and walk over to the naked child sprawled out on the bed. “Get dressed Suzy, you’re going home.”

“Are you gonna take my Mr. Mayor away?” she asks in tears. “Are you gonna arrest him or send him to sail?”

“No, we’re going to hang him.” I say without remorse.

“WHAT?!?” Fish shouts. “Fuck that noise!” I turn around in time to see my former friend pull a gun and fire blindly at Chuck who was preparing to arrest him. Three bullets hit the pot-bellied cop; two in the gut and one in the chest. He crumples to the ground and hollers in pain.

“Drop the gun!” I order Fish while pointing my own side arm at him.

“Not as long as you’re gonna hang me!” he screams.

“I don’t want to kill you Fish-”

“Bullshit!” he shouts at me. “You’re gonna hang my black ass!”

“Fish, please don’t make me do this.”

“You now what? Fuck this shit. Fuck this and fuck you.”

The world slows down as the first gunshot rings out. Suzy shrieks and hides behind the bed, Chuck shouts from his spot on the floor, and I fire back at my friend. I feel first one, then two, three, and finally four lead slugs puncture my flesh and shred my insides as they pass through, I see a single round fly true and hit its mark, I see the blood splatter from the back of my friends skull, I watch as he falls to the floor, and then I join him.

Just one of those days
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Just one of those days

Bright lights, overly bleached sheets, and the overwhelming smell of antiseptic; not another fucking hospital.

I blink at the blinding florescent light and sit up. Resting in the provided chairs near my bed are Dulcie and Twilight, they both look exhausted but still manage to rush over and hug me as soon as I move.

“Are you Ok daddy?”

“I’m so happy you’re awake Lafayette!”

I embrace them both and scoot back against the wall.

“What the hell happened?” I ask groggily.

“Uh…” Twilight mutters.

“You… you got shot.” Dulcie explains.

“Ok, by who?”

“Well…” Twilight starts.

“By Mayor Neil.” Another voice finishes. I look up to see Chuck Towery be wheeled in by Nurse Redheart. “Thank you nurse.” he says as the white mare leaves. “Anyway,” he looks back to us, “you discovered that he was the one who molested Jenny. We found him in his house with another little girl and when you threatened to have him hung he pulled a gun and shot us both.”

“What?” Twilight asks in shock.

“Who was molested?” Dulcie wonders aloud.

“What’s with them?” Chuck questions my family’s forgetfulness.

“They don’t remember any of it; you and I are the only ones who still do.” I inform him.

“Oh yeah, the mind eraser thing.”

“So what happened to Fish?” I ask, getting back on track.

“You fired back when he shot at you…you killed him.”

“…”

“Mr. Ryder?”

“What?” I say quietly.

“I can tell that you could use some privacy, if you’d be kind enough to make me forget this whole mess too I’d get out of your hair.” He offers.

“Certainly.” I say with a wave of my hand. Chuck stares blankly at me for a moment and hiccups.

“Excuse me sir, my mind’s slippin’ a bit, what was I doin’ here?” he asks innocently.

“Leaving.”

“Oh, right.” Chuck wheels himself back out the door and down the hall.

“So what happened?” Twi asks.

“Nothing.’ I wave my hand and both women stare at me intensly for a moment.

“Why are we in the hospital?” Dulcie asks.

“What happened to you?” Twilight asks.

“Pissed of a bull and he charged me.” I lie. “Now let’s go, I still have shit to do in Haven.” I say as I stand up and head to the bathroom to change back into my normal clothes.

Twenty two and a half minutes later I’m back in the human city with both my daughter and my wife tailing me as I make my way to the Picken ranch. Once there I introduce Twi and Dulcie to frank, the owner and operator of the ranch, and explain a few things to them, mostly Twi, before heading inside.

“You know that humans are omnivores, meat eaters.” I say as we near the first barn.

“Yes, I found that out when you first came here.” Twilight reminds me.

“Ok, do you know where we get our meat?” I ask.

“I assume you hunt-”

“WRONG!” I shout as I fling the barn doors wide open revealing the two dozen cows within. “We can’t hunt here for three major reasons; there just wouldn’t be enough to feed us all, we don’t have enough capable hunters, and things in this world have the pesky quality of sentience and we don’t want to eat anything that can swear at us as we kill it. Instead we breed these big, dumb, meaty bovine to slaughter and eat.”

“Whoa, they don’t look anything like Equestrian cows.” Twilight notes as she trots up to one of the dozing dairy makers.

“Yep, they don’t’ act, think, or speak like your cows either. Pretty much all they do is eat, sleep, breed, and give us meat and milk. We treat them well, up until the point when we kill ’em anyway, and the give us a good deal in return; milk, cheese, butter, yogurt, beef, and even fertilizer. We use every bit of them; we even use their waste and unusable parts in our gardens to help our plants grow.”

“Wow. So why are we here again?”

“We need more cows for us and the dragons need more cows for them so-” I clap my hands and fifty new calves pop into existence. “They ya go Frank, you just holler if you need anymore.” Frank, his son, and a few of his hired hands move to wrangle the new cattle in as we leave the barn. “Now, for the biggins.” I clap my hands again and a streak of lightning sails down from a small white cloud and hits the ground with a sonic boom loud enough to force Twi and Dulcie to cover their ears.

From the scorched splotch of earth a vine spouts and grows upward at an unbelievable pace. Every few seconds it grows another foot, with every five feet of vertical growth a patch of leaves appears, and in every leaf patch a small lamb spawns and starts to grow fat.

“I changed my mind,” I tell the mare and the woman at my side, “a Borometz will do even better than cows, the dragons can feast on the lamb’s plentiful flesh and we can harvest their thick wool.”

“That. Is. Amazing.” Twilight tells me as she stares in awe at the lambs that are now descending down the plant’s stalk, repelling with their own vine-like umbilical cords, to the ground below where they graze and grow even fatter.

“I thought that you’d like it.” I tell her as we turn to leave. By the time we get to the truck the lambs have grown into five ton sheep and are roaming the field they were planted in; I’m sure the dragons will enjoy that little present.

Before we leave haven I instruct a few farmers to shear the woolen creatures and to feed them as many bales of hay as they can. I create a never-ending stock pile of the brown feed and bid good bye to the farmers. We head home and get back to the library in just under an hour.

Dulcie stays over for dinner but leaves for the castle and her marefriend soon after, the boys eat and go to their room as per their usual schedule, Leeroy pecks my on the cheek and calls me Mama just like always, and then we all go to bed. Leeroy and the boys all fall soundly asleep as soon as they lie down but Twi and I stay up for a while longer, her reading a new romance novel and I thinking about the day’s events. After an hour Twilight turns the lights out and falls asleep but I remain awake. When I hear my wife’s soft, rhythmic breathing and slight snore I know that she’s deep asleep and I stop holding back.

I weep till my eyes are red and my throat is sore, I bite my knuckles till the bleed and then I dig my thumbs into my eyes just as I did so long ago when Jeffery tricked me into believing my son was dead. But it’s different now, Jeff’s gone. I did this, I killed Fish, I killed my best friend.

I cry myself asleep and then suffer through one horrendous dream after another about my oldest friends fate.

When Celestia’s sun rises and my family wakes I lie in bed still, the last thing I want to do at the moment is get up, no, the last thing I want to do is live with the fact that I just killed Fish and that now no one even remembers him. So I just stay in bed all morning and into the afternoon, before I know it Twilight’s slipping back under the covers next to me for bed. I sleep again and again I’m tormented by my deeds.

I consider making myself forget about Fish but I can’t bring myself to do it, I can’t let his memory die completely, I just can’t.

But I can’t live with my actions either.

They grow up so fast
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

They grow up so fast

This week’s been stressful as hell and tomorrow’s only going to make it worse. Everything’s in place for the Dragons arrival but I can’t shake the nagging fear that something will fail catastrophically. Half of the townsfolk still fear the large lizards and are expecting to be eaten, the other half have taken conveniently timed vacations to other, less threatening, cities in Equestria, and I have to deal with all their shit.

I’ve spent the last five days in a simple and somewhat pathetic routine; sleep for hours on end, mourn for my lost friend, and then blame myself for his death. I go over every possible outcome of that day, every, and any, conceivable way I could have spared his life; I couldn’t have. I told the entire town what I’d do to anyone else who broke the laws in such an extreme manner; had I let Fish go unpunished I would have most likely been deemed a hypocrite and unfit to govern, had I hung or even just banished him I would have still lost him. No matter what I did I would end up fucked in the end.

My pitiful train of thought crashes when a soft, angelic voice speaks to me from across the room.

“Daddy?” my daughter half knocks on the open door, walks over to the bed, and sits down next to me.

“Yes Dulcie?” I ask from underneath the covers.

“I know why you’re feeling down.” She states simply.

“No you don’t, “I argue without even looking at her, “I erased your memory of what upset me.”

“Men,” she groans, “you think you know women so well but you don’t know us at all.”

“What don’t I know?”

“I’m an angel daddy, little mind tricks don’t work on me.”

“What were the events that lead to the cause of my sorrow?”

“Um…”

“Exactly.”

“Well I remember the thing with Austin anyway.”

“Goody goody, just what I want you to know about. If you’re done bothering your old man I’d like to get some sleep now.” I roll over and curl up again.

“Okay daddy,” she reaches over to hug me and whisper to me, “Luna and I will be over for supper, will you please get up by then and join us? It would mean the world to me.”

I fight back the urge to tell her to fuck off and leave me be. “Of course I’ll be there baby, I’m just not feeling up to snuff at the moment.”

“So you’ll be there?”

“I promise.”

“Pinkie promise?”

“Cross my heart and close my eyes-” I start to say.

“Hope to die but pray to live-” Dulcie continues.

“So long as I’m here on earth, to you all my love I’ll give.” I finish the last two lines and roll over to face Dulcie. I wipe a stray tear from my eye and hold her soft hands in mine.

“Do you remember me signing that to you?” I ask quietly.

“Yes, I think. I remember the words anyway.”

“Every night from right after you were born and up until the day I shipped out again I sang that to you at bedtime. I held you in my arms and I rocked you to sleep. I even sang it to you right before I boarded the plane; you fell asleep in my arms and made me cry in front of a hundred other marines.” I chuckle softly at the memory from such a long time ago, Dulcie laughs as well.

“Why did you even sing that to me? It’s such an odd song and it’s kinda sad too.”

“I sang that to you because someone I cared for deeply taught it to me when I was young; years later she had forgotten about the song and about teaching it to me, I didn’t.”

“Who’d you learn it from?”

“Lizzie did. She and I were friends in kindergarten.”

“Really?”

“Really. When we started dating in high school I asked her about it but she didn’t even recognize the song.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah.”

We sit there for a moment; Dulcie twiddling her thumbs and absentmindedly fluffing her wings, me smiling at bittersweet memories.

“I guess I’ll see you at supper.” Dulcie finally says.

“I’ll be there.” I promise again.

Dulcie hugs me again and leaves the room. Once she’s gone and the door’s shut behind her I cover myself with blankets again and drift off to sleep. Tears stain my pillow as I dream of Lizzie and the wonderful times we shared together. I wake up hours later with just a depressing thought in my head.

‘She’s dead now too. It’s all your fault; everyone you love dies because of you. Everyone.’

I shake off the morbid thought and look at the time; 8:30, almost time for supper and I promised I’d be up for it.

I take a quick shower and relish the scalding water as it pours over my body, I dress in an old style of mine, one which I’ve long neglected, and I walk to the dining room.

The whole family and then some are waiting for me; Twi, the boys and Leeroy, mom and dad, Shining and Cadance, Dulcie and Luna, and even Celly and Discord are present. I nod respectfully at them all and take my place at the head of the table.

“I like your shirt daddy!” Teddy compliments my nostalgic outfit as I sit down.

“Thanks,” I tell him, “It’s my favorite.”

“Well let’s get started with dinner,” Orion says, “who would like to say grace?”

“Might we hold on grace for a moment?” Luna asks suddenly.

“Oh, sure.” Orion agrees.

“I do believe that it is just about time for this so-” Luna turns to Dulcie and smiles. “Dulcie Ryder; we have been together for a while now and I love you very much,” Luna levitates a small blue box up and opens it, revealing a solid gold bracelet with Dulcie’s name engraved in precious jewels, “would you be my bride?”

Dulcie gasps at the proposal and looks to me.

‘Daddy?’ she mouths.

I nod my head and smile at her.

“YES!” Dulcie screams and wraps Luna in a tight hug, kissing her and repeating her acceptance again and again. All seated at the table applaud and a few give congratulations to the newly engaged couple. I conjure a large bottle of champagne and enough glasses for everyone. I send the bottle around, starting with my daughter and her fiancé, and then stand, raising my own glass and holding back tears of both joy and grief.

“A toast! To my daughter and to Luna, may you two be happy together and…” my voice cracks but I recover before anyone notices. “And have a wonderful life!”

“CHEERS!” Everypony raises their glasses and we all drink. I sit back down and force myself to look happy throughout the remainder of the meal.

Dinner’s over and ponies start to leave for home. The astral sisters and my daughter are the last to leave.

“Daddy?” Dulcie asks, pulling me aside as her fiancé and soon-to-be sister-in-law chat with her adoptive mother.

“Yes honey?” I follow her into a hall well away from the others.

“Thank you.”

I embrace my baby girl and smile.

“Anything for you sweetheart.”

“You know I’ll be moving out for good now.”

“Yes, I know.”

“Will you be Okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” I lie, “just don’t forget to visit often.”

“I will. I pinkie promise.” She tells me.

I walk Dulcie, Luna outside, Celly and Discord already left, and I wave as they fly off.

“I expect plenty of grandbabies from you two now!” I shout as they ascend into the night sky.

“I think I can arrange that!” Luna shouts back causing Dulcie to playfully hit her as the soar away from me.

Twilight stands with me for a moment and the leaves to tuck the boys in. I stand outside for another twenty minutes, just watching the stars and sobbing silently, until Twi calls me to bed.

I follow my wife to our room and snuggle with her for a bit before we both drift off to sleep.

Morning comes far too soon and I’m forced to rise and get ready for the long day ahead of me. I shower and dress in my usual work clothes. I briefly contemplate wearing the same tan slacks and maroon button up shirt from last night but I decide against doing so; those are just for special occasions.

I walk over to Rarity’s new home to ask her to foalsit but find that she’s a bit preoccupied with giving birth at the moment. I rush into the house to assist Toby and end up doing most of the work myself. Twenty minutes later I leave the happy couple to care for their new foal. As I depart I say a silent prayer thanking God for giving that baby his mother’s looks rather than his father’s.

I teleport out to Sweet Apple Acres to ask Fluttershy if she could watch the boys for me, soon afterwards Twi and I hug Teddy, Starry, and Leeroy as we drive off from the farm and towards Haven.

I already miss Dulcie and the knowledge that I’ll be seeing her even less gnaws away at me as we travel down the dirt roads and pull into the human city just in time to witness a marvel.

Before my very eyes I see thousands of dragons, no two the same size, shape, or shade, circle and land with massive thuds. One particularly large, silverfish reptile coasts down next to the truck and nods at me respectfully.

“Master Sergeant Ryder.” He says.

“King Sujenymos.” I reply.

“Could you, by any chance, grow a few more of those delectable sheep? My children seem to have devoured them all already.”

I sigh and roll my eyes. “No problem Sujey old buddy.” I clench my fists and a hundred new Borometz appear in the fields.

Sujey takes off and we follow him to a clearing filled with the youngest dragons.

“This is so exciting!” Twilight exclaims.

“Sure it is.” I agree in exasperation.

Something’s going to go awfully wrong; I just know it.

Bureaucratics and Blowjobs
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Bureaucratics and Blowjobs

Sujenymos has already landed by the time we arrive on the field and most of the young dragons have congregated around him; feeding, speaking to, and pleasuring him as he calls for it. Twilight and I leave the car and approach him, ignoring the multitude of youngsters between his legs and the half consumed Borometz sheep near his head, when we near him he looks too us and flashes what I can only assume to be a dragon’s version of a smile.

“I must thank you my friend; this is a most splendid welcome and a wonderful buffet you have prepared for us. My children and I are quite pleased by it.” He twists his neck around and lowers his head to the ground; from where I stand I can now look him directly in the eye.

“Glad to hear that Sujey.” He chuckles at the nickname I’ve given him.

“Sujey, eh? Well it’s better than my last title of Suerayjemnos the bastard!”

“Sure is,” I agree, “so this may just be morbid curiosity but I’ve just got to ask; you said that all the dragons under your rule were your children… if that’s true then…well…” I nod towards the dozen females servicing him at the moment.

“Oh, them? They are not my children they are mine wives!” he lets loose an earth quaking guffaw at my misunderstanding.

“So if all the dragons you rule are your biological offspring,” Twilight begins, “where do you find mates?”

Sujey laughs again and grunts a bit in pleasure as one of his brides fondles him. “My good, old friend Duwiqdencaf supplies them; every year he grants my twelve of his daughters to keep as companions and sire more children with, and every year I graciously present him with a baker’s dozen, I do believe that is the correct term, of my finest whelp so that his family may grow as well. I give him one more than he gives me so he’ll always be in my dept in case I need his assistance with anything!” the aged dragon winks at us and sighs, blowing a thin stream of flame through his lips as he does.

“Wouldn’t that soon become incestuous?” Twilight asks curiously.

“What? No, I only mate with my own mistresses who are Duwiqdencaf’s children and not my own, likewise he only mates with my gifted daughters and not his own.” He argues.

“But-”

“Drop it Twi.” I step in to prevent any accidental insults being exchanged.

“I would just like to thank you aga-” the silver patriarch’s words are cut short as he moans in pleasure. “Do forgive me, I hope my wives action’s do not disturb you, we’ve been flying for nearly a week without respite and they are eager to…” he waves a claw lazily in the air as he racks his mind for the word. “How you say?”

“Fuck?” I offer.

“Exactly!” he exclaims.

“Don’t worry about it,” I assure him, “I can respect a man, dragon or otherwise, who can receive oral sex and negotiate diplomacy simultaneously.”

“HAH!” Sujey rewards my joke with a deafening roar of laughter. “As do I! Hades, every time the three heads of the dragon families meet we bring our finest females along with us to fornicate with and boast about.”

“I think we should do that next time we go talk to Celly.” I nudge Twilight and receive a solid punch to the thigh for my words.

“NO.” she says, ending the discussion on that topic.

Sujey laughs a bit more and readjusts his body.

“Sergeant Ryder?”

“Yes?” I turn my attention back to the elephant in the room, or perhaps I should say dragon in the field.

“Where did you acquire such delicious vitals such as these?” he asks as he delves into the Borometz sheep again, making Twilight gag a bit.

“I created them, if you wish I can make some seeds for you and the other dragon families,” I conjure a few sacks of watermelon sized seeds, “just plant them in a bit of soil and water them, wait a day or two and you’ll have a brand new plant with fifty or so sheep. After that; just skin them and eat away, if you open the skulls you’ll find more seeds and can grow even more plants.”

“Many thanks,” Sujey says as he calls for one of his mates to retrieve and store the burlap sacks I made for him, “but I have one question.”

“Shoot.” I tell him.

“Why must we skin the meat-fruit of these vines? When we first feasted on the ones you so generously grew for us they were naked and had soft flesh through which our teeth easily tore.”

“We already sheared those ones, they have thick wool that grows on their body, to eat it would be a folly.”

“Ahh, thank you for explaining that…hmm,” the silver king hums from deep within his throat, almost a purring sound, “I wonder how bedding made of such a substance would be?”

“Well wool is very soft and fluffy.” Twilight tells him.

“No, I’d prefer a nice bed of gems and jewels over that any day.” He refuses the idea.

“To each their own,” I say, “I like soft bedding.”

“How strange, I thought all creatures enjoyed to slumber on a horde akin to my own.” He scratches his chin at the unexpected knowledge.

“Nope.” I tell him.

“Well then, what do you use gem for?” he questions.

“Accessories and money.” Twilight tells him.

“What a silly thing to do.” He grumbles. “Oh well, I guess if you can’t find pleasure in a earthen bed than you may as well get some use, even if it’s a foolish use, from mother Zaranquenyes’ scales.”

“Hmm?” Twilight murmurs

“Don’t you know how jewels came to be?” He asks, shocked by my wife’s apparent ignorance to such common dragon lore.

“No.” Twilight tells him.

“Oh,” he grunts, “remind me sometime and I’ll enlighten you on the history of the dragons and how this land was made, for now I must attend to my wives, I’ve kept them waiting far too long.”

“I’ll definitely take you up on that offer!” twilight shouts as Sujey turns to his many brides and whispers to them in his own tongue.

“See you later Sujey!” I call as his wives set about taking turns mounting him and quickly collapsing in post orgasmic bliss.

“Should you stop by in an hour or so my wives will be content and we may speak more.” Sujenymos says to us as we get in the truck and drive away.

We drive over to a diner to get some lunch while we wait for the king to finish his frolicking and fucking. We walk in sit down and a waitress rushes over to our table immediately.

“What can I get for you Mr.-”

“Mr. Ryder.” I correct her before she even has a chance to use that stupid nickname.

“Um…Ok, Mr. Ryder. What can I get for you today?”

“Triple cheeseburger, no tomato, a large order of French fries and a beer.”

“Peirce Brother’s ok?” the waitress asks me.

“That’s fine.” I answer.

“And for you Miss Ryder?” the waitress asks Twi.

“A Ceaser salad and the veggie pot pie.”

“Anything to drink?”

“Cider please.”

“Mmmkay I’ll have that right out for you.” the young women smiles at us and walks away. As soon as she’s gone Twi slumps her head on the table and sighs.

“What, watching a twenty ton dragon get sucked off not your thing?” I ask sarcastically.

“No, well yeah, it’s just that I’ve never really studied dragons even though I’ve raised a baby one myself. It feels like I’ve missed out on an entire branch of knowledge and…and…and AAGGGHH!” Twi groans and scoots her head over so the waitress can set our food down. I thank the girl and take a big bite out of my burger.

“Don’t worry about it Twi, you’ll get to learn plenty about it tonight.”

“Why is that?”

“I’m sure Sujenymos would be glad to tell you all about it. How’s the food?”

“Not bad, I really like these potatoes and kale, they taste great.”

“Well I’m glad we made a good selection of crops to grow.”

“Yeah.”

“What’s up?”

“Nothing…”

“Come on Twi, I know when you’re bullshitting me. so tell me what’s up.”

“You’ve been so depressed lately-”

“Don’t change the subject. I know I’ve been feeling shitty lately and I know why. Know tell me what’s up with you.”

“It’s what the girl said, what all your people seem to call me “Miss Ryder”, it reminds me that…”

“That imma kick the bucket before you’re even halfway through your life.”

“Yeah.”

I reach over and hold Twilight’s soft hoof in my rough hand.

“I’m not planning on dying anytime soon, and I’ll be damned if I go before I accomplish everything I’ve set out to do.”

“How many things do you have left to do?”

“I’m going to insure that this world is as great as it can be. I plan to bring peace here, for everyone; ponies, griffins, humans, dragons, everyone. And I’m not going to let anything stop me until I look out and see my people not only thriving but really living, until the world is fixed, until my family is happy. I’m not going anywhere soon Twi, I’ll be right by your side for years to come. Now promise me that you’ll stop obsessing about this and just enjoy whatever time we’re together.”

“Ok, I promise.”

We finish our food and head back the clearing; Sujey should be done by now. As we drive back through town I say a quick prayer thanking God for letting things go well and that they stay that way.

As we near the clearing my heart drops at the sight before me.

So much for things going well.

Hanging out with new friends
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Hanging out with new friends

I slam on the brakes and swing the door open with much more force than necessary. I hop out of my truck and run into the clusterfuck of angry, brawling reptilians.

“What the fuck is going on?!?” I scream as I dodge wings, claws, and teeth. When I don’t receive an immediate answer I get pissed.

My flesh rends as two pairs of demonic wings expose themselves and stretch outward, my hands morph into six clawed digits, and my suit of armor affixes itself to my body. I flap hard and lift myself into the air, knocking away stray punches and swings as I do, until I’m hovering above the massive free-for-all. I clamp one hand to my throat and tear at my throat; as blood flows from my neck I scream and the pain allows me to focus my magic and amplify the volume of my words to ear-splitting levels.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!” the sheer loudness of my speech causes most of the rioting reptiles to cower in fear and cover their ears in pain. A single large, grayish silver dragon remains standing as the rest lay on the ground, trembling at my Dragonoid appearance.

“My children were playing, nothing more I swear.” Sujenymos tells me. “I apologize that they became so rambunctious in their activities; it is in our nature to fight each other for both entertainment and training.”

“Well knock that shit off while you’re here, hell, I thought there was a war being fought out here.” I tell him.

“Children,” he commands in an authoritarian tone, “none shall gain until we leave the land of Haven lest it be of absolute necessity. Any who do shall be punished by your father just as soon as we leave. Understand?” as he says this in English/Equestrian he grunts out deep, throaty roars in Draconic simultaneously. How he just managed to speak in two languages at once is far beyond my comprehension, but I digress. As soon as his bellowing voice ceases everyone of the now silent and still dragons answer in unison.

“Ulybnyoldn!” they shout before resuming their actions prior to the fight.

Sujenymos lowers himself uneasily to the ground and a few of his youthful brides immediately rush to his side.

“Ywolen magte resydun,” he reverts to Draconic once more to speak to them, “Bwegs nalla zyx.” The wives moan in disappointment and cuddle up next to Sujey’s stomach and chest. The ancient lizard strokes the wife nearest his claws and looks to me. “Would you care to stay and converse for a time?” he asks.

“YES!” Twilight answers without hesitation.

“No.” I refuse.

“No?” Twilight asks astoundedly.

“No?” Sujey questions my sudden disinterest in him.

“No.” I confirm.

“For whatever reason?” Sujenymos asks as Twi gapes at me in disbelief.

“It’ll be getting dark soon, I’m not feeling well all of a sudden, and I’d very much like to get back to my boys and spend some time with them.”

“You have sired children?” Sujey asks.

“Yes, two boys, one human and one equine, and I’ve recently adopted a Roc chick.”

“I would like little more than to meet your family.” He tells me.

“Well then follow us back to Ponyville and I’ll introduce you to them all.”

“Very well,” he says while slowly rising to his feet, “you go on ahead, I’ll catch up shortly.”

“Cool.”

Twi and I walk back to the truck and get in; by the time the engine’s on Sujenymos is in the air and ready to go.

“Race ya there!” I shout as I punch it.

We rocket into Ponyville at nearly a hundred and thirty miles an hour. Next to me Twilight’s praying and griping the “Oh shit handles” for all they’re worth, above me Sujey ol’ boy is flying hard to keep up with us. We near the house and I open my door and roll out.

“BAIL!” I yell as I ditch the still moving vehicle.

“WHAT THE-” Twilight screams as the truck heads for a thick tree. “FUCK!?!” she finishes saying as she teleports from the out of control car and next to me. “What the hay was that for?” she asks me. I stop laughing long enough to wave my hand and stop the truck in its tracks but then I start cackling all over again.

“I do believe I’ve been beaten.” Sujenymos says as he lands next to me.

“Don’t sweat it bro,” I tell him, “you did pretty good. Now how about we go get the boys and start some introductions.”

Twi and I walk inside while Sujey rests his old bones next to the house.

“Thaddeus, Starbright, Leeerroooyy!” I shout as we walk into the library.

“Hey daddy!” and “Mama!” they call from their spots next to Spike at a table.

“Sup?” Spike looks up from the books he was reading them and at us.

“Not much, I’ve got a friend waiting outside to meet you.”

“Who?” Spike asks curiously.

“Sujenymos, king of the Dragons.” I tell him.

“You’re shitting me.” he says flabbergasted by my announcement.

“I shit you not.” I try to assure him but he’s out the door before I can even end my sentence. I chuckle and hug my boys. “Come on now; let’s not keep our company waiting.”

Together Twi, all three of the boys, and I walk outside to chat with our new friend.

Maybe things won’t go badly after all.

Maybe.

Draconic lore
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Draconic lore

“Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!”

We walk outside to find Spike shouting in excitement at the chance to meet the king of the dragons. Sujenymos chuckles at the youngling as Spike shows off all the Draconic words and phrases he knows and asks for an autograph.

“Young Sylpegk,” Sujey says while patting Spike on the head gingerly, “while I am very impressed with your knowledge I must say that you still have much to learn about our holy language.”

“Wait,” Spike pauses, “why’s it holy?”

“You mean to tell me that you know nothing of how our language came to be?” the great, silver monarch asks in shock.

“No, I don’t know very much about dragons at all really; I’ve lived with ponies all my life and they don’t know much either.” Spike tells him.

“Well now,” Sujey grumbles, “that wrong must be righted immediately.” He looks over at my family and I. “Sergeant Ryder, would you care to sit with Sylpegk and I and hear of the dragons lore?”

“Absolutly!” Twilight answers before I can even open my mouth.

“I’d love to.” I finally say as Twi runs back into the library to fetch a quill and parchment. She’s back out and at my side by the time I’m sitting down next to Spike and Sujey.

“King Sujenymos?” she says.

“Yes?” he replies.

“Would it be Ok if I recorded this all?” Twi asks hopefully.

“Certainly.” Sujey agrees.

“In that case,” I say, pulling my iPod from my coat pocket, “let’s use this instead.”

“What is that?” Sujey asks interested by my electronic device.

“It’s an iPod,” I turn it on and pick a song at random from the menu, “with it I can listen to music, view images, watch videos, or in this instance record your voice as it is. Every word you say will be perfectly copied into a digital format that will last forever.”

“How ingenious.” He mutters under his breath as I set the device to capture his speech.

“So what were you saying about our language?” Spike asks, bringing us back to the topic at hand.

“Well, Sujey repositions his body and scratches his chin, “if it’s alright with you I’ll just start from the beginning of our history and explain it from there; it will make more sense that way.”

“Go ahead.” Twilight urges.

Sujey closes his eyes in thought for a long moment and starts speaking in a rough, rumbling tone. Beneath his words I can hear ancient Draconic words form deep in his maw, he’s speaking in duel tongues again and somehow it makes every words he utters reverberate within my mind with crystal clarity. The boys lean next to me and watch and listen in awe as the greatest living dragon tells us a firsthand account of the history of his kind, Twilight scribbles notes at first but is soon lost in the tales being told and she too leans onto my side, Spike sits near us but doesn’t move as his idol speaks, he just stares up into Sujenymos’ blue eyes and absorbs every word the elderly dragon says.

“In the dawn of time, when the astral sisters first created the day and night, when the chaos god first set randomness and excitement loose on the world at large, and the first ponies began to walk upon the land, another goddess rose to power out of sight from the others. It was her that gave birth to the three mighty families of dragons as well as the rocs and the wyverns, the sea serpents and the Constalite beasts. She gave each race of her children unique powers and part of her essence so that we may live as one with both her and the land she blessed. May Zaranquenyes bless us all.”

<><><><><><>

While the Astral sisters, Cyjezdy and Laqendes as the dragons called them, set about creating and governing their nation of Equestria a winged beauty by the name of Zaranquenyes conceived and birthed three children; Sujenymos, Duwiqdencaf, and Zaran, the latter of the three being her favorite son and secret lover.

Two of the three brothers left the mountain home they were born in to travel the unknown lands surrounding them, they quickly returned to their mother with a simple request; a form of speech so they may communicate with all the other creatures who could not think to each other as they could. Their mother slit her throat and offered her own voice to them each, leaving herself with only guttural howls and moans. Her three children thanked her for the offering but felt that they should give her more for her sacrifice. Together they created a language akin to their mother’s now rumbling, raspy words, they perfected the tongue and carved runes that symbolized the words, and finally, when they were pleased with their creation, they presented it to their mother. Zaranquenyes was so pleased by the gift that she gave them her blessing to go and do as they pleased. They immediately did just that.

While their mother was ecstatic to see her children go off on adventures and enjoy themselves she became depressed when her sons fought with each other, due to Zaran’s carnal relationship with her, and began to hate one another. Her favorite son abandoned her and fled to an island in the sea of Grundthegar, her other two children quarreled further and left to find their own lands so they need not see each other. Zaranquenyes grieved and felt sorrow for her lost sons. In the midst of her grief she conceived once more, this time giving birth to two intelligent children, one a slender serpent with a dozen legs and the other a small, two legged dragonite, and one semi-sentient child, a bird brained eagle-like creature of massive proportions. These three new sons stayed with her but longed for a life of true freedom, after much thought their mother released them into the world with her blessing.

The holy matriarch fell into sorrow once more and felt the need to have a companion. Since she was growing old and did not wish to conceive another child just for such a selfish want she did nothing about this desire. One night she felt so alone that she ventured from her cavern to find solace in the night sky and the glimmering moon that Laqendes had so painstakingly forged for all to wonder at. Inspiration struck her and she flew into the pitch black heaven above her. She caught the strands of the dark sky and began to sew them together into a mate, her mind wandered as she worked, imagining how perfect this fellow would be, and her hands slipped at a crucial point causing her hand made lover to be born with the mind of a beast rather than that of one such as herself.

Despite all the love and affection she had shown the feral beast of her creation it could never love her back. Finally realizing this she let the first Constalite roam free, it then returned to the night sky and made it’s own mate by gnashing and tearing at the fabric of the night until it suited his animalistic desires and they lived peacefully for a time.

The two spirits of the sky were found by Laqendes who bred them and filled her night sky with their descendants. As soon as the once barren sky was filled to the brim with these Constellations the few remaining on land took refuge in various forests across Equestria to spend the rest of their near endless lives together in pairs.

She became depressed yet again and contemplated allowing her mind to drift away into the void just beyond mortal comprehension. The only thing that stopped her suicidal thoughts was the return of her three youngest children with a message for her. They told her how lonely her eldest sons were, how they had no family, no friends, and most importantly no mates and that neither did her younger children. The serpent, the wyvern, and the roc left her after telling her this so that she might decide her course of action without being pestered.

Zaranquenyes thought long and hard on what to do and eventually decided on a plan of such simple elegance that it could not fail. She conceived once more and birthed a female whelp for each of her six sons, but she used the last of her bodily strength to do so and grew weak soon afterwards.

Hearing of their mother’s failing health all of her children and even the first Constalite came to visit her.

“Teqw uni,” she told them, “luwxe tes, cun tes, sir wyh tes.”

“Take one, love them, care for them, sire with them.”

She laid her head down and spoke once more. With her final breath she said one word with such great meaning that it soon became a blessing just to utter it.

“Drogun.”

"A word that's meaning cannot be translated into any language other than Draconic and means things which can only be felt, not truly spoken."

Her sons held her body as she passed from this life to the next, the wept as her flesh crumbled, and they thanked her one last time as her sacred magic seeped into each of them.

The three elder brothers made amends soon after that and began siring children, every year each one would gift the next a daughter to bred with, this continued as a holy tradition for years.

The serpents, the rocs, and the wyverns spread out and found their own niches but all three faced problems that stymied them at every turn.

The first serpent, Syvsyn, was injured while on a journey to the ocean with his wife; his back legs and genitalia were severed rendering him unable to walk on land or procreate.

The first Wyvern, Jemucelys, and his wife flew to the eastern most edge of Equestrian land. Their children were many but tended to fight brutally and kill each other until their numbers became too low to continue breeding.

The first Roc, Kreylvurn, bred with his wife and then wife his daughters and granddaughters and every other suitor he could find and mount. After only a few generations the Rocs became feral and unintelligent due to the inbreeding and have kept that same trait up to today. They grew violent and began raiding the dragon’s nest for eggs.

Zaran and his first wife grew exponentially more adventurous as they grew older. After traveling the entire world thrice over the decided to continue on to the next frontier; space. Since their departure from this world their children have been adopted into one of the other two dragon’s families.

Duwiqdencaf populated the east while Sujenymos populated the west. The two brothers have been on good terms since then and continue to trade wives-

<><><><><><>

“-to this vey day.” Sujenymos finishes his story just as dusk fades into dark.

“Wow.” A chorus of voices, including my own, says at once.

“I hope you found our history both educational and entertaining young Sylpegk especially now that you know your Draconic name and heritage as well as your bloodline.”

“I know I found it exciting!” Twilight tells the king.

“I’m quite pleased to hear that Mrs. Ryder.” Sujey says.

“Wait a minute,” Spike suddenly says, “I got the stuff about why Draconic language is holy and my heritage and all that but what did you mean by my “bloodline”?” the teenaged dragon uses air quotes as he says the last word.

“I meant your parentage of course.” Sujey tells him.

“Ok.” Spike says lamely. “Who are my parents?”

“In all my years I’ve only met one other dragon with scales of purple and fins of green, you are undoubtedly the lost son of Murgarsdhwa the beautiful.”

“Uh…ok.” Spike says dumbfounded by the information. “But then who’s my dad?”

“Murgarsdhwa is my oldest and most beloved wife.” Sujey says calmly.

“Wait… you mean!?!” Spike says flabbergasted by the assumption in his head.

“Yes Spike, I’m your father, but this does lead to an interesting conundrum.”

“What would that be?” Twilight asks in Spike’s stead since he’s far too excited to speak.

“Murgarsdhwa was, unfortunately, sterile. She cannot lay fertile eggs.”

“But if that’s true then how-” Sujey cuts Twilight off with a claw pointed at her.

“My long time friend Cyjezdy, Celestia as you all call her, requested a few “dud” eggs to use as a final test for her prospective students.”

“They told me that I was to hatch that egg with my magic!” Twilight exclaims.

“They lied,” Sujey explains, “the true test was for you to discover that the egg was empty, it was not a test of raw power but off intelligence, logic, and deductive reasoning. You failed the actual assignment but what you accomplished was so much more impressive that you were still accepted into the school as Celestia’s personal student. She told me all about it afterwards and I was quite impressed myself.”

“So,” Twilight begins, “what you’re saying is that I made Spike from nothing but an empty egg?” Spike looks speechlessly back and forth from Twilight and his newly found father.

“Yes,” Sujey says, “and no. My seed and mine wife’s ova were already there, they had just failed to grow and mature as they should. Sylpegk was alive but just barely. Your magic forced him to develop as he should have done naturally.”

“So-” Twilight starts to say.

“I’m your child but Twilight literally raised me?” Spike interrupts, speaking for the first time in a good while.

“Yes.” Sujey confirms.

“DADDY!” Spike rushes over as fast as his stubby legs can carry him and gives his father a big hug around the muzzle. Sujenymos chuckles and pats his son on the back.

“I’m so very pleased to have met you my long lost son.” The aged king says kindly.

“And I’m so glad that I met you too.”

“Say,” I cut in, “it’s getting dark and Sujey probably wants to get back to the rest of his family, why don’t you go spend the night with them?”

“Really?” Spike asks me. “Can I dad”

“I’d like nothing more.” His father says.

“Can I Twilight?” The young dragon looks to his adoptive caretaker.

“Go ahead Spike.” Twilight says, choking back a sob as she does.

“Sujey and Spike say good bye and fly off into the night as father and son, one riding on the other’s shoulders as they go. We put the boys to bed and the Twi and I head to bed as well. Once we’re snuggly under the covers I decide to ask Twilight the pressing question at the moment.

“Are you going to let him go?”

“Yes.” She replies.

“Really?” I prod further.

“Really, he’s found his real father and his real family.” She says. “Besides, I always knew I’d have to let go of him eventually, I couldn’t have kept him as a baby forever and I don’t know how to raise a teenage dragon.” She sniffles a bit and I pull her into a close embrace.

“It’s the right thing to do.” I tell her.

“I know,” she sniffles again, “but I’ll miss him so much.”

“Twi, you’re his adoptive mother basically, he’ll come back and visit often I’m sure.” I comfort her.

“Yeah, I’m sure he will.” She says, turning to me and snuggling closer. We stay that way until we fall asleep.

Things are looking up.

Alternate chapter title: You ARE the father!

So long Sujenymos
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

So long Sujenymos

“Wake up Lafe.”

I blink my eyes and see a familiar lavender face in front of mine, I try to move but find my arms and legs bound magically by the purple mare straddling me.

“This is unexpected.”I tell her.

“What, don’t you like it when I surprise you like this?” she asks.

“I said ‘unexpected’ not ‘unliked’.” I tell her as she kisses me lovingly on the lips and begins to work her way down.

Forty minutes later we’re done, showered, and ready for the day. I wake the boys up as Twi starts breakfast.

“Morning daddy.” Teddy and Starbright tell me as they get up.

“Mama!” Leeroy squawks as he tackles me in a big, uh, chicken hug I guess I’d call it.

The four of us join Twi in the dining room and eat a delicious meal of pancakes, bacon, and eggs. I can’t help but think of Leeroy as a cannibal as he gobbles down his third platter of scrambled eggs. I smile at the flightless fowl and chuckle a little to myself.

“So dad,” Teddy says from across the table, “can we go with you and mom to see the dragons?”

“Yeah!” Starbright agrees with his brother’s idea. “I really wanna see Mr. Sujey again; he was cool!”

“Well,” I scratch my beard, “I dunno, what do you think Twi?” I ask.

“If one of you can conjure mommy a new telescope or tell me what Starswirl’s three laws of magic are I’ll let you come with us.

“Rule one; matter cannot be created, it can only be taken from one form and converted to another form.” Teddy says as his brother brings a tripod stand into existence.

“Rule two; while a pony’s actions or thoughts may be altered by magic they cannot be forever changed.” Starbright says as his brother summons a telescope and places it unto the tripod.

“And rule three is…um… I don’t remember.” Thaddeus confesses as Starbright adds extra bits and bobs to the now finished telescope.

“And then rule four is profit.” I finish sarcastically.

“I think you’re close enough,” Twi tells the boys while giving me the stink eye,” just remember that the third rule is that magic can neither take nor bestow life on any being.”

“So we can go?” the boys ask in unison.

“Sure thing.” I answer them.

“Fuck yeah!” Teddy shouts. Twilight scolds him for swearing but I’m laughing too damn loud to hear her.

An hour later the four of us, Leeroy chose to stay in Ponyville with Fluttershy instead of joining us, drive into Haven where we get a bit of a surprise.

“Daddy!” Dulcie shouts to me as I get out of the car. She flies over and gives me a big hug.

“Hey sweat heart,” I say to her, “what are you doing here?”

“Luna and Tia wanted to see Sujenymos, he’s an old friend of theirs, so I came with. What are you doing here?”

“Same thing,” I tell her, “king Sujey’s a new friend of mine and I wanted to stop by and say hi before he and the other dragons left for the next part of their migration.”

“Good to see you Lafayette and you as well Twilight.” I turn to see Celly walking over towards us.

“Hello Celestia!” Twilight says cheerfully.

“So you and Sujey are old buddies?” I ask the princess of the light.

“We most certainly are.” She informs me.

“Ever try and hit that?” I nudge her with a shoulder and wink, causing everyone near me to blush heavily.

“Indeed I did,” she confides to me quietly, “but his wives got a bit jealous.”

“Atta girl Molly!” I slap her on the back and laugh heartily.

We stroll on to the field and dragons move to let us through, in the middle of what appears to be an orgy we find Sujey and Discord chatting.

“What are they doing dad?” Teddy asks innocently.

“Having really kinky dragon sex.” I reply.

“Oh, ok then. I thought they were wrestling or something.” He tells me.

Sujey notices us as we approach the dozens of intertwined reptiles and growls loudly, within seconds the fuck fest has disbanded leaving only Discord, spike, an elderly purple and green dragon, and himself remaining in the clearing.

“Dear Celestia, and Sergeant and Mrs. Ryder, how wonderful to see you again.” He pats the ground next to him, motioning for us to sit down, and then points at the dragoness next to him. “I’d like for you to meet my eldest wife; Murgarsdhwa.

“Grenaga.” She says to us in Draconic. “Greetings.” The matriarch smiles warmly at us all and leans against her husband and Spike, in turn, leans against her.

“A pleasure to meet you ma’am.” I say, bowing politely. I turn towards Spike. “So how are you doing buddy; meeting your real parents for the first time?”

“I LOVE IT!” he shouts. “And I love them too!” he hugs his mother’s torso as he says it. She pats him and speaks softly.

“Angwe nys luwxe eh tugud.” I can only assume it means something motherly and kind.

Spike leaves his mother’s side and walks over to Twilight and I.

“They offered that I could come with them and live with them, they even said that they’d stop in Ponyville so I could say goodbye to everyone.” He looks into Twilight’s eyes. “Can I go Twi?” Twilight embraces him and cries for a moment.

“Yes,” she tells him, “you can go. Just make sure to visit whenever you can and to write me often ok?”

“Sure thing Twi,” he hugs her back and smiles, “thanks, thanks for everything you’ve done for me Twi.”

“No problem.” She says in-between sobs. “I love you Spike, like a brother.”

“I love you to Twi,” he replies,” like the big, naggy sister I’ve always had.” Twi giggles at the joke and lets go of her former number 1 assistant. “Bye.” Spike waves at us all and rejoins his mother as she rounds up all of Sujey’s other wives for the flight.

King Sujenymos himself walks over to us alongside Discord and Celestia.

“Hey there old chap!” Discord says as he nears me. “You won’t believe what we just found out.”

“What did you just find out?” I ask, taking the trickster’s bait and waiting for some pun or burn to befall me.

“As it turns out,” Sujey starts to explain, “Zaranquenyes had a partner with whom she conceived my brothers and I.”

“Let me guess…” I say with exaggerated flair.

“It was yours truly!” Discord shouts and spins flamboyantly.

“I cannot believe it!” I bullshit.

“It is unexpected.” Celestia agrees.

“Wait,” Twilight jumps into the conversation, “I thought that Zaranquenyes was a dragon-”

“Yeah,” Dulcie adds, “how the fuck would that even… you know…fit?”

“What?” Discord and Sujenymos ask together.

“No, no, no!” Discord says.

“Mother was a humanoid akin to your own people.” Sujey says, pointing at me for emphasis.

“But even if she had been a twenty ton girl I’d still have hit that,” Discord says, “after all I am a bit of a chubby chaser!” Celestia cuffs him on the head with a wing. “Of course I didn’t mean you darling dearest.” He says. As soon as Celly looks away he mouths ‘I did too mean her!’ and points at her behind to prove his statement.

While Twi, Dulcie, Luna, and I attempt, and fail, to keep from giggling Sujenymos speaks again.

“I would like to thank you once more, Sergeant Ryder.” He nods respectfully to me and begins to flap his mighty wings. “With any luck I’ll live to see you again soon.”

“Next year, same place and time?” I offer.

“That would be excellent.” He says as his harem of brides joins him.

We all watch as he and his family flies away towards the east.

“Now that they’re gone,” Celestia says as she walks over to me, “we need to speak in private.”

“What’s up?” I ask her as we leave the rest behind.

“I regret to inform you,” she pauses and sighs, “but it seems we’re at war once more.”

“Not this shit again.”

Some things just can't be fixed
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Some things just can't be fixed

Warning: Violent and sad but vital to the plot. Just remember this: Everything works out... Sort of.

A burst of adrenaline and a few strong flaps of my powerful wings send me hurdling into the enemy ranks. I spin around at the last second before I collide with an unfazed Orc grunt and I draw Jeffery and Slendy from their usual mounts on my armor, just as I turn to face the Orcs again my weapons crash down onto their targets; Jeffery crushing a grunt’s skull and Slendy rending another’s flesh and sending him to the ground howling in pain. Primal instincts and years of training kick in and my weapons soon become no more than extensions of my limbs, swinging and lashing out as I will them to, tearing and smashing my enemies until nothing but blood and bone remain.

My magic seeps into the steel of my sword and the iron of my hammer and I begin to feel the damage and pain I’m causing as I bestow it. The lacerations and blunt force trauma inflicted by my semi-sentient tools of destruction reverberate throughout my own body; with every hack and slash, with every pounding and mauling I scream alongside my victims because I can both feel my sword as it slices and the flesh as it splits at my hands.

I scream and yell until my throat burns and my voice turns horse, I dodge Orcish blades and duck away from falling hammers, I twist and turn, killing and maiming as I do, until I’ve cleared a sizeable hole in the legions of bastard creatures and have shown them just what I’m capable of. I charge the nearest soldier and prepare to decapitate him but a piecing scream distracts me and I lose my focus at a most inopportune moment; as I turn my head to see just what has happened behind me a meaty hand covered in cracked leather and rusty chain mail brings the hilt of a sword down upon my head. While my helmet dampers the blow and allows me to survive, the impact is still great enough to jar me and cause my grip on both my sword and hammer to loosen. I crumble to the ground dazed and disarmed just in time to look to my left and watch as a horrid scene plays out before me.

The numerous kicks and punches, stabbing and poundings the Orcs deal to me are ignored completely as I watch more of the ugly bastards swarm towards my family and my friends. I scream and try to crawl away from my surrounding attackers but fail and am forced to lie in the dirt and watch as my family is slain.

Celestia and Discord try to fight back but are soon overwhelmed by the sheer number of assaulting troops; she is stabbed through the chest and falls to the ground and he is trampled by the rampaging Orcs as he tries to help is lover back up. I hear his pained screams as a hundred heavy Hobgoblins crush him underfoot.

Luna and Dulcie attempt to flee by means of flight but the Orcs can jump high enough to catch them and bring them back down. I wince as I hear wings crunching and the soon-to-be-wed couple screams in unison. I watch, unable to assist either of them, as they are picked up and tossed about by the Orcs; Luna is beaten against the ground and has her limbs torn off one by one while her fiancé is dragged, kicking and screaming, away from the fight.

The Orcs have captured the first of the Human women they came here for.

Twilight… I scream louder than what should be humanly possible as a big, burly bastard covered in tribal tattoos and towering over his Orcish brethren grabs her. The sick fuck smiles at her and licks his lips and then turns and smiles at me. Both he and my wife look at me as he snaps her neck with a single hand. The fucking brute tosses my love aside as if she were nothing more than trash to him. I scream.

Every single part of my being hurts when I watch my love killed so cruelly, every molecule of my body sears in anger, every bit of me yearns for revenge, and I scream.

My magic seeps into my lungs, my throat, and onto my tongue amplifying my mournful cries ten, twenty, fifty, and then a hundred times louder and higher pitched than any human or machine could ever hope to achieve. The Orcs surrounding me drop their weapons and clamp their hands to their sensitive ears. I ignore the pain, the fear, the hurt and I stand up. Jeffery and Slendy return to my hands when I reach for them, they too beg for the chance to avenge my fallen family and I plan to give them that chance very, very soon.

I knock back the few Orc still standing close to me and spear them each with my sword. I turn slowly, looking in each and every Orcs eyes, and howl at them. All my rampant emotions leak into my tortured screams and I force the bastards to cover their ears once more.

My hate and fury reach a boiling point as a larger grunt shrugs off my verbal assault and charges me. I sidestep him and swing Slendy with all my might cleaving his torso as I do. His comrades stare in horror as his body splits into two halves and separate from one another.

“ALL OF YOU,” I scream at them, “AREGOING TO DIE NOW!!!” before any of the poor fucks can even react to my threat I start mowing them down; spinning and slashing at them until everyone near me is either dead or dying.

“ALL OF YOU!” I shriek again as more charge at me. I ignore the multiple wounds I’ve accumulated, despite the fact that several may well be fatal, and continue my onslaught; killing every single goddamn Orc I that approaches me.

A few cowardly cunts try to escape but I won’t let them.

“NONE OF YOU WILL LEAVE HERE ALIVE!!!” I scream again as I pull the Honey Pot from my armor and start firing into the crowd around me and at the would-be deserters. I laugh as the stench of burning flesh wafts to me.

“I TOLD YOU!” I sing song while spinning and drenching more Orcs with the golden acidic nectar. I smile as their dying howls reach my ears and I begin to dance over the fallen corpses that riddle the battlefield.

All logic and reasoning abandons my mind as I skip from Orc to Orc and bash their ugly heads in. I giggle as I skewer the fuckers on my sword and burn them to death with my gun. I cackle and summon my old favorite weapon; my Desert Eagle to finish of the last of the now retreating cowards.

I don’t stop or even slow my slaughter until the last of the Orcs fall beneath my feet.

“ONE MILLION AND SEVEN MOTHERFUCKING ORCS,” I scream as loud as I can, “AND I KILLED EVERY GODDAMN ONE!” I cease shouting and fall to my knees. “One million,” I remember my family and start to crawl towards them, “and seven,” I pull my exhausted body past hundreds on slain Orcs, “goddamn,” I near the spot where they all fell to the horde of Orcs, “motherfucking,” I shove dead warriors aside until I uncover my deceased loved ones, “Orcs.” I pick up Twilight’s lifeless body and hold her close to me. “I killed them all,” I pull Luna’s broken body to my side, “but I couldn’t even,” I drag Celestia and Discord nearby as well, “save any of them.” I bury my face into the blood soaked lavender fur of my wives corpse and weep.

Seconds stretch into minutes and then into hours but I pay them no mind. It won’t get dark anytime soon, it can’t now that the mistress of the night is dead, and I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I’d have sat here forever had it not been for a faint noise from the furthest reaches of the battlefield. What I at first mistake to be the dying cries of a mortally wounded Orc soon becomes apparent to be something else entirely. I gently set aside the bodies of my wife and my friends and stand up. I can feel the broken bones within me and I’m weak from the massive amount of blood I’ve lost but I push on regardless. When I can’t walk any further I crawl and by the time I can crawl no longer I’ve already found the source of the pained shouts.

“Daddy.” Dulcie says weakly.

“Baby girl.” I whisper as I drag my torn body close to her.

“What happened?” she asks quietly.

“I fucked up,” I tell her, “I failed.”

“Daddy.” She cries faintly.

“I’m here,” I tell her as I pull her close to me, “Daddy’s here.”

“I love you daddy.” She says.

“I love you to sweet heart.” I say back.

I hold my dying daughter to my chest as she takes her last breathes.

“Fix this daddy,” she whispers, “I know you can.”

“I’ll try.” I tell her.

“Pinkie promise.”

““Cross my heart and close my eyes,

Hope to die but pray to live,

So long as I’m here on earth,

To you all my love I’ll give.”

“I know you can do it daddy.” She says with her last breath.

I lower my head and weep as my angelic daughter passes away.

“I’m so sorry baby girl,” I whisper, “but I don’t think I can fix this one.”

‘Do it.’ A voice tells me. ‘Do it now!’

My right hand tingles and I look down at it. Resting in my shaking hand is my old Desert Eagle.

‘DO IT!’

I wrap my fingers around the gun.

‘DO IT NOW!’

I raise the pistol up until the cold metal of the end of the barrel is just barely touching my jaw.

‘DO IT! DO IT NOW!’

I close my eyes.

‘NOW!!’

And I pull the trigger.

Author's note: The end is near but not yet here.

A second chance
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

A second chance

Pain beyond any and all description consumes my mind and body for a hellishly long moment as my pistol fires a lead slug that penetrates my lower jaw and speeds up to, straight through, and right out of my brain. I blink once and begin to slump backwards.

“I’m sorry.” the unspoken words hang loose one my lips as the sweet, merciful embrace of death covers my mortal body and whisks my soul away to the heavens above.

<><><><><>

“Get up ya dirty Shisno.” A familiar voice orders me.

I open my eyes warily and look around me; every which way I gaze I see nothing but the abandoned, decaying, and in several cases burning husks of long neglected buildings and homes. Based on my surroundings I’m either in hell or Detroit. To be honest I’d rather be in hell.

“Are you up yet?” the voice asks again and I feel something hard jab me in the ribs.

“Where am I?” I groan.

“Hell, where did you think you’d end up at?”

I swear under my breath and sit up.

“Over here.” the voice calls before I can even start to look around for it.

“Who-” I turn around and discover an old man standing in front of me and he looks just like… “I am so goddamn sick of meeting alternate versions of myself.” I say to the elderly me.

“And I’m not too happy to be seeing you either,” he says as he kneels down next to me, “I take it you fucked up pretty badly.”

“You can say that again,” I say as I stand up, “I let everyone die…” tears begin to flow but stop when the old man cuffs me on the head.

“Well there’s no use bawling about it now is there?” he asks.

“I guess not.” I admit.

“But you know what would be useful to do?” he asks.

“What?” I grumble.

“Fix it,” he orders, ‘just like you promised Dulcie you would.”

“How?” I ask him. “I’m dead if you haven’t noticed.” I receive another smack and the old man glares at me.

“Don’t be a smartass.”

“Would you rather,” he slaps me again, “dammit!”

“Don’t be a dumbass either!” he commands.

“Fine, fine,” I tell him, “but I still don’t know what to do.”

“Fix this mess you’ve gotten yourself into!”

“I know that!” I yell. “I just don’t know how to fix it.”

The old version of myself starts to walk away and I begin to chase after him; for an old man he’s pretty spry.

“Hey!” I shout when I finally catch up to him.

“What?” he asks.

“How can I fix this?”

“Simple,” he says, “go and get you mind un-fucked up and then use that fancy dancy time reversal bullshit to stop the Orcs from gang raping your ass and then go and save the others.”

“Uh…” I hold my hands up and shrug my shoulders. “And how the fuck do I do that!?”

“For fuck’s sake!” the old man turns and pokes me in the chest with a wizened and palsied finger. “Do I need to hold your goddamn hand and walk you through it?”

“Yes,” I respond, “that would be nice.”

“Jesus Christ help me!” the old man backhands me across the cheek. “Are you really too brain dead to figure this out for yourself?”

I stare at him for a good minute. “Apparently.”

“Fuck me,” he whispers, “fuck me and fuck everything!” he yells the last bit.

“So how do I fix this?” I ask yet again.

“Fine!” he shouts in frustration. “I’ll tell you how to fix this.” He grabs my shoulders with his shaking hands and looks me in the eyes. “You need to go find each of the personalities that have abandoned your mind and reconcile with them.”

“Uh…” I babble stupidly.

“Find the living counterparts to each of your mindsets and talk with them, once you’ve done that your mind will return to it’s natural state, the way it should be, and you can go back and fix everything!” he explains.

“Why can’t I just go back an-” I try to put forth my own idea but he interrupts me.

“You can’t do that because all you have left in that thick skull of yours,” he boxes my left ear for emphasis, “is that damn depressive personality and if you go back with just that governing your thoughts you’ll put a bullet in your head before you can even save your family.”

“I already did that,” I tell him, “that’s how I got here.”

“Oh...” He sounds surprised. “Shit.”

“Yep.” I agree.

We stand there for a few minutes just looking at our shoes awkwardly.

“Did it hurt?” he asks suddenly.

“Like a sonuvabitch,” I tell him, “but just for a second.”

“Huh.” He mutters.

“So how’d you kick it?” I ask.

“My mind started going pretty bad so I told my family goodbye and overdosed on some morphine, pot, and cyanide.”

“Huh.” I murmur. “Wait, you can’t O.D. on weed.”

“No but it sure makes you feel good as you O.D. on the other shit.” He explains.

“Ah, I getcha.” I reply.

We stand in silence for a bit longer.

“So all I have to do is go talk to them, my other personalities I mean, and that’s it?”

“Just about,” he says, “with each one you chat with the part of you that should remain in your mind will return while the rest stays as them.”

“What about Jeffery?” I ask. “I killed him.

“Go back in time to before that and talk to him.”

“Ok… well bye I guess.” I tell him.

“Bye.” He responds.

I start to walk away but a few stray thoughts stop me and I turn back around.

“So you’re me from the future?” I ask just to double check.

“From an alternate future.” He says.

“Hmm, what alternate future?”

“The one where you stay on Earth and things go as they should have.”

“Ahh.” I nod my head. “So why are you in hell? God really hate us or something?”

“Just serving a few decades for all the shit I’ve pulled in my time.” He tells me.

“What?” I ask.

“No one stays in hell forever,” he explains, “you just serve a sentence here that punishes you for all of your deliberate sins, once you’ve done that you get your wings and your halo and your harp and you’re free to head up to Heaven.”

“Cool,” I say, “how many years do I rack up?”

“One million, seven hundred thousand and forty two years, sixteen days, eleven hours, five minutes, and three seconds.” He admits.

“Holy shit.” I swear at the obscenely large number.

“Yep.”

“Well I’d better be going now.” I say as I back away.

“You do that.” He tells me.

I turn to leave only to realize that I don’t even know how to get out of here.

“Hey,” I look back to ask the older me but he’s not there anymore and neither is the hellish landscape that had been surrounding me, instead a field full of Orc corpses near Haven is in its place.

“What the fuck.” I mumble as I look around me at the fallen warriors and the bodies of my family and friends.

“I WILL FIX THIS!” I shout, scaring away ravens and a few vultures by doing so. “I promised I would,” I lower my voice, “and I’ll be damned if anything stops me.”

I trudge away from the battlefield with a determined mindset. Time is paused and my body is healed.

First personality up: Dallas.

Dallas
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Dallas

With wings pumping, heart pounding, and mind racing I travel from the deserted city of Haven to the bustling but frozen village of Ponyville. The passing glimpses I catch of ponies immobilized as they go through their day disconcerts me a bit but a more pressing matter controls enough of my attention to distract me from the disturbing still lifes.

I twist and turn to dodge each of the stone-like inhabitants of the town as I head for the few human households near Sweet Apple Acres. I leave the outskirts of town and land outside a small homestead constructed out of logs and bricks.

“A1, A2, A3, A4, and…” I count the addresses aloud as I pass each of the identical cottages. “A5!” without so much as knocking on the door I barge in and unfreeze time in just this one room.

“To be honest pasta sounds better.” A blue unicorn lying on Dallas’ lap speaks without even noticing me.

“Yeah,” Dallas says, “but we had spaghetti last Tuesday and…” he notices me and his words trail off.

“And?” the stallion asks.

“And what on Earth are you doing here Lafayette?” Dallas asks bewildered at my sudden appearance in his living room.

“I need to talk to you,” I tell him, “it’s urgent.”

“Uh,” he mumbles, “Ok. What’s up?”

“Long story short; I fucked shit up and went insane. Now I need to reconcile with all the parts of my mind in order to regain my sanity and prevent the deaths of all my family.” I explain.

“What the buck?” the blue stallion swears.

“Umm,” he stutters, “what does that have to do with me?”

I sit down on the couch next to him and take a deep breath.

“We live in one universe in a multiverse where every possible anything has it’s own universe. In one of those universes we all stayed on Earth, my wife died, I met you, fell in love, and then you died. Through a serious of overly complicated events led my mind to break apart into several different personalities and you were one of them due to the link you and I have in the future in a universe other than ours because of that shit I explained a second ago. Right now all of the personalities except for a depressed, suicidal one have abandoned me and I literally cannot live like that so I’m going to each of the living versions of those mindsets and talking to them so I can get my part of my mind back from them.” I stop talking and start franticly trying to catch my breath.

“What the fuck?” Dallas asks. “Are you high?”

“No, but I really wish this were all just a bad trip.” I tell him.

Dallas and the blue unicorn just stare at me.

“Uh, I think I’ll just head home for now and come back when things are less weird.” The stallion says, leaning over and quickly kissing Dallas on the cheek as he does. “Bye babe.”

“Bye Pierce.” Dallas smiles and waves as the pony hops off the couch and walks to the door and then outside. Dallas turns back to me and sighs. “So… yeah.”

“What?” I ask, slightly confused at his now shy tone.

“Um, well that was Pokey Peirce and he’s my new…” Dallas waves his hands in the air above his lap and takes a breath. “Coltfriend.

“Ok,” I say, “so anyway about all this shi-”

“Ok? That’s all you have to say about it?”

“Uh… yeah. Anyway I nee-”

“You’re really Ok with that?”

“Dude!” I hold my hands up in exasperation. “I’m MARRIED to a pony for fuck’s sake! I’m not going to judge you on who or what you fuck unless you break any laws, besides I’ve fucked… uh,” I think through the list and count on my fingers as I do so, “four, five, six… Six ponies while I’ve been here!”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

We sit here for a moment without talking; instead we just stare at each other silently.

“So you were sayin..?” Dallas asks.

“Oh yeah, so basically you’re the gay, feminine part of my mind that led me, in part, to start liking guys but only ones that resembled you in one way or another.”

“I see.” He says though he clearly doesn’t.

“And I think that when I started getting really violent in the last few years that part of me; you, left because you’re so calm and peaceful and you can’t stand violence.”

“Mmhmm.”

“So now I need to figure out which part of you is really a natural part of me.”

“Ok, how do you plan to do that?”

“No fucking clue.” I admit.

“Well that might turn out to be an obstacle.”

“Yeah.”

We sit quietly for another minute until Dallas blurts out a thought.

“Tell me when these personalities first started to develop.”

“Uh, well the first one, Jeffery, started talking to me just after… an incident I was involved in my senior year of high school.”

“Ok then, any homosexual tendencies or feminine traits you had before then are yours and not mine. Ever find any boys attractive prior to that or act girly or anything?”

“Hmm,” I ponder the question, “well there was this one guy…”

“Yes.” Dallas prods.

“Harley or something like that. He was incredible effeminate, even more so than you, and he was always nice to me, he even tried to hit on me a few times but I shot him down as soon as he started. I guess he was the first boy I ever found to be attractive at all but it might have just been because I was lonely at that point in time and I really wanted to be with someone.”

“But you thought you might want to be with him.”

“Yeah, a little.” I confess.

“Anything else?”

“To be honest I’ve always kind of wanted a big, strong someone to hold me and promise me that everything would be Ok.

“*Cough* Gay! *cough*”

“I heard that asshole.”

“Sorry.” Dallas apologizes and ducks away from the swing I take at him.

“So… that’s about everything I felt prior to senior year… I don’t feel any better.”

“Really?” Dallas asks.

“Yeah,” I say, “why?”

“Because you just acted really gay while you were telling me about all of that.”

I look down to find my legs crossed and my wrists limp.

“Shit.”

“Feel better now?”

“A little.”

“So now what?” Dallas asks.

“I don’t really now,” I tell him, “I guess I go and talk to the next persona.”

“Well I’m glad that I could help.”

“I’m just glad you actually believed me.”

“Hah!” Dallas laughs. “I still think you’re high as fuck.”

“Heh, I wish. Thanks for the help Dallas.” I stand up to leave but stop by the door and turn around. “By the way, how’d you get so good at this?”

“I was a psychiatrist back home,” he tells me, “actually the stress from that job was part of how I got here.” he chuckles nervously.

“Don’t worry about it bro,” I point a finger at my head and snap my fingers, “it happens to the best of us.”

“See you around.” Dallas calls out as I leave his house and start to fly away.

One down, six to go.

Next up: /B/.

/B/
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

/B/

I fly away from Dallas’ home, refreezing time there as I go, and head for…

“Shit.”I have no idea where to find the personas that make up /B/. Discord and Celly are both dead at the moment and there’s no one else on this world that…

“This world,” I whisper to myself as I soar through the sky, “That’s it!”

I close my eyes and groan as I concentrate.

“If I’m doing this right…” I open my eyes and smile because my crazy idea just worked.

All around me derp eyed Pegasi and ponies with steampunk wings and horns fly about wildly, chocolate milk rains down into rivers of milk and honey, and ponies made of various and assorted beverages and foodstuffs float in hot air balloons on picnics.

“Holy shit!” I laugh. “I’m in Trollestia’s Equestria!”

“Queen Trollestia!” a passerby corrects me.

I smile at my folly start to fly away. As I head towards Canterlot inspiration strikes in the form of a wing cramp and I decide to practice my freefall skills. I fold my sore wings up and immediately drop like… something heavy. A brick, a log, a petunia maybe?

I push away the nagging inability to correctly finish my thoughts out of my mind as I reach terminal velocity. I lean back and spread my arms and legs out, I shout in joy and laugh as I plummet downward; this is a whole hell of a lot more fun when you’re not going to die in the end. I wait until the last possible moment to open my wings up and when I do a great gust of wind nearly tears them off. I holler from both the pain and the thrill as the updraft forces me back into the sky and steers me towards my destination of Canter…

“Clopalot?” I read the giant letters that sit above the city just like the Hollywood sign. “What the fuck does that mean?”

I skim through dozens of clouds filled to bursting with chocolate milk and make my way down to the city, once I’m there I get a pretty good idea of why the capitol here is named as it is; everywhere I look I see nothing but ponies pulling pranks or participating in orgies and more often than not doing both.

I land and maneuver through the crowds of frolicking, fornicating, and partying ponies until I near the palace. What I see there I’m sure will scar me for life, but I think it will be a cool scar, like the ones you show off to impress your buddies, but a scar nonetheless.

A hundred royal guards led by my own brother-in-law are busy servicing princess Luna and not one but two princess Celestias, one with pink, sparkling hair and the other wearing a smile that stretches from one ear to the other.

“Huh, I guess I’ll get to chat with Molly and Trollestia both at once.”

I stroll up to the main gates and waltz in past the lackadaisical guards, who are much more interested by their princess’, er, I mean queen’s actions than by me, and swagger up to the preoccupied royalty.

“Sup Molly,” I nod to the panting princess, “good afternoon your majesty,” I bow respectfully to the queen, “we need to talk.”

“Oh hey there Lafe,” Molly moans seductively, I’m not quite sure if it’s due to presence or the three guards behind her, “what’s up?”

“Who is this peasant?” Queen Trollestia demands an answer.

“Master Gunnery Sergeant Lafayette Ryder, ambassador for the humans.”

“He’s a good friend of mine.” Molly vouches for me.

“Well,” Trollestia grumbles, “I guess you can staaaayyyy…” a moan interrupts her sentence. “For now anyway.” She finishes.

“Thank you your highness.” I say as I take a seat next to them.

“So what are you doing here?” Molly asks. “Last I checked you were in a different reality with our slightly crazy sister Celestia.”

“I was but shit went down and now I’m here.” I tell her.

“What in Equestria happened?” Queen Trollestia asks.

“Put simply; I went crazy and now I need to talk to each of my shattered personalities, two of which being you, and fix my mind in order to go back and save my families.” I explain.

“The fuck dude?” Trollestia questions me.

“True story.” I swear.

“So how can we help?” Molly asks.

“Uh, well I need to talk to the both of you and find out what parts of your personality is yours and what part is mine, also is Discord anywhere- Shit!” I shout in surprise as the Draconequus’ head pops up from behind Trollestia.

“Wazzup bro?” he asks, licking his lips as he speaks.

“Fuck man,” I hold a chest and gasp for air, “you damn near gave me a heart attack.”

“Bad heart!” Trollestia points at my chest and shouts. “No attacking my new friend!”

“Uh…thanks.” I say. “So anyway, each of you make up a personality of mine, Trol- Queen Trollestia and Discord make up a crazy, random mindset I call /B/ and-”

“What?” Discord asks.

“Hmm?”

“Why do you call it Bee?” he asks.

“/B/,” I say, “it’s a random forum on a website called Fourchan-”

“Oh I know that place!” Trollestia shouts gleefully. “I own that website!”

“So you’re the one who corrupted the internet.” I say.

“Yep!” she replies happily.

“Anyway,” I try to get back on track, “can we, I dunno, just talk or some shit like tha?”

“Sure,” Queen Trollestia says, “let us retire to a more… private location.”

Together the four of us, tailed by a hundred sweaty, oil covered guards, head into the palace and find a cool room to sit in and chat. We sit down and immediately a quartet of servants begin to fan us and offer to feed us grapes and wine and cheese. While I accept the food and drink I refuse the polite offer of oral sex as we converse.

“But everyone gets blowjobs at diplomatic meetings!” Molly whines when the rest of the group follows suit. “Fine, be that way! But I’m getting some whether you do or not! Captain Armor!”

I neglect to look in Molly’s general direction as my brother sets to work on his princess.

“So let’s get this shit started.” I say. “What parts of you are in me?”

“Uh… the gay part!” Molly exclaims.

“No…” I facepalm and groan. “Guys, this is serious.”

“So was I!” Molly adds with a snicker.

“Jesus tap dancing Christ…” I mutter.

“Anyway,” Discord sighs. “Having known you for… what, a few months? I believe that the main mentality that you share with my good friend Trollestia and I is the natural urge to dredge pleasure up from the surprised reactions to your brilliant chaos.”

“Damn…” I respond to the unexpected wisdom. “That was deep.”

“Really?” He sounds amazed. “Because I just pulled that out of my ass.”

“Oh…” I gasp. “Well I still think it was a good evaluation of the topic.”

“Thanks.” I mutter. “So…”

“So,” Molly says, “you think back to what lead to become the perverted, chaotic bastard you are today.”

“Um...” I ponder the question. “Well Lizzie was the start of the pervy thing and then my buddy…”

“Your buddy?” Trollestia questions.

“My buddy Fish.” I tell them. “He and I used to get in a fuck ton of trouble for the stupid shit we pulled.”

“And?” Discord urges me.

“And I’m out.” I tell them as I fade from sight and return to my own universe.

<><><><><>

“That was odd.” Trollestia notes dryly after the inter-dimensional traveler leaves.

“Yep.” Discord agrees.

“Let’s fuck!” Molly shouts energetically.

“Sounds good.” the other two demigods join the fast forming free-for-all and proceed to fuck each other senseless.

<><><><><>

Three of three delt with.

Now to go have a nice little chat with the real me.

Ideal self
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Ideal self

Midway through my inter-dimensional flight a sudden thought provokes me to switch destinations from the Equestrian universe to my old one. I feel myself flip around and rocket off towards Earth, circa 1950.

<><><><><>

Nestled amidst a dense jungle on a small island near the southern edge of Mexico is a humble log cabin inhabited by an aging, balding man with beer gut and a love of literature.

Going by the alias of Brendon Richards the writer enjoys a simple life of reading, writing, and reading. In the time he has lived in this universe he has written and published over a hundred novels and short stories, several of which have become famous best sellers.

He is working on the next book in one of his more popular series when a high pitched whistle followed by thud from outside.

He spins around in his chair and shouts. “What the-”

<><><><><>

I soar down to the ground and land on a knee, leaving an impact crater where I now kneel. I stand and march onward until I’m at the front door. With a good, solid kick I knock the door off it’s hinges and barge into the house.

“What the fuck?!?” the older me shouts in terror.

“You, me, talk. Now.” I say as I walk over and flop down onto the chair next to him.

“Goddammit!” he yells at me. “You could’ve given me a heart attack!”

“But I didn’t.” I point out. “Now I have half a mind to blow your traitorous head off but if you help me out a bit I’ll let you live.”

“Fine,” He gripes, “fucking fine.” He sits down next to me and sighs. “What’s up?”

“Quick summery; I fucked shit up, went crazy, and now I have to talk to each of my personalities to fix everything.” I explain.

“Ahh, go on.” He says.

“I need to figure out what parts of you are actually mine.”

“The g-”

“I swear to God if you say “that gay part” I’ll fucking kill you.” I threaten.

“How about the “love learning” part.” He offers.

“Hmm maybe.” I say. “What else?”

“The multilingual bit.” He tells me.

“Yep, next.”

“Uh…” he scratches his bearded chin. “We’re both geniuses.”

“Mmmhmm.”

“And that’s all I got.”

“Really?” I ask.

“Yep.” He confesses.

“Shit.”

“Ditto.”

We sit and stare at each other for a moment.

“So why did you ditch my mind?” I ask out of sheer curiosity.

“You were a derailing train and I wanted off before you crashed and burned.” He explains.

“That’s comforting.” I dead pan.

“Yep.”

“So…”

“Yeah.”

We sit awkwardly for another minute or two.

“Anything else to chat about?” he asks.

“Not really.” I answer.

“Well then… bye.”

“Bye.” I say.

I walk out of the house, ignoring the busted door as I pass through it, and fly away.

Four of six I guess.

Next up: Dulcie.

Dulcie
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Dulcie

I pop out of existence in one universe and pop back into another one.

“God fuckin’ dammit,” I swear as I land on unsteady feet, “I never wanna do that again.”

I look around at my surroundings; the still dead and rotting orcs, feasting carrion, and deceased family, and I gauge my emotions and thoughts. I feel… normal I guess. All the rage I felt earlier along with the fear, doubt, lust, and chaotic urges are gone. Now all I feel as I gaze upon the fallen, friend and foe alike, is a deep seated depression.

I wipe away a stray tear and make my way through the scattered corpses until I reach the body of my baby girl. I kneel down next to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders.

“Dulcie,” I whisper, “please wake up. Baby girl… Please wake up.”

“Daddy?” she coughs and looks up at me. “Did you fix it daddy?”

“No.” I admit to her as I help her up. “But I will soon.”

“What’s left to do?” she asks. “Can I help at all?”

“Yeah,” I tell her, “I need to talk to you, but first let’s get out of this damn place.”

“Ok, I know of a good spot to talk.” She says, wrapping her arms around me and laying her head against my chest as she speaks. Before I can even blink my eyes we’re somewhere else entirely.

We seem to be in an abandoned park just after dusk. A soft breeze blows past us and makes the leaves on the trees rustle, the swings rock back and forth and the marry-go-round turn slowly.

“Where the fuck are we?” I ask.

“This is the playground where I always used to hang out at with mom after school.” Dulcie explains.

We both take a seat on the swings and Dulcie starts to swing and makes me laugh.

“I’m really sorry sweat heart.” I tell her somberly.

“What for?” she asks mid swing.

“Not being there for you,” I tell her, “I would have given anything to have been here back then and spent time with you. I wish I could’ve been there. I really do.” I bite my lip and try not to cry as a rush of guilt washes over me. “I’m sorry Dulcie… I’m so… Sorry.”

“Daddy,” I feel a small, soft hand rest on mine and close around it, “it’s Ok.”

“No,” I deny, “it’s not ok. I should have been there for you… I should have… I dunno but I should have done things better, done ’em right, done something.”

“Daddy, look at me.” I look at her. “It’s ok. Really it is. We ended up here and now everything’s going just-”

“Shitty.” I finish her sentence.

“Well, just lately anyway.” Dulcie argues.

“I guess.” I say.

“So what can I do to help fix all the shittyness?”

“You remember being in my mind right?” I ask.

“Yeah, it was from just after my time as an angel was up until after you got here. I was kinda like your personal guardian angel but more than that.”

“You were a guide for me but you also became a personality of mine.” I explain.

“Really?”

“Yeah. You were the part of my mind that encompassed kindness and compassion, love and tolerance, and all around goodness. When you came here as a real person you left my mind and it started to split up into different parts that ditched me. Now I have to find out what parts of those personalities are really mine.”

“How are you doing so far?” she asks concerned.

“Well I already talked to Dallas, /B/, Molly, and the ideal me and figured out what parts of them were originally mine. You’re number five of six or I guess seven.”

“Who’s left?”

“Jeff, but he’s dead and gone and to be honest I’d rather not even get that particular bit of me back.”

“Who else?”

“I don’t know. It’s some suicidal, depressed bastard, but I don’t know anyone like that. Any thoughts?”

“One, but it’s not about that.”

“What is it?”

“I know which parts of me are in you.” Dulcie hops off her swing and walks over in front of me. She holds her hand out and I place my worn, rough one on hers. “You’re almost always calm and courteous, you’re caring and loving, and you’re always willing to sacrifice anything in order to help others, especially your family.”

“Yeah.” I whisper. “I guess I am.” I stand up and hug my baby girl tight. “Let’s go home,” we’re already there, “and fix all of this.” Dulcie looks around and then up at me.

“What about J-”

“Jeffery is gone and I don’t care, Mr. Depressive is a minor nuisance that I can easily deal with once I have my family and friends back by my side.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, with you and Twi and the boys next to me… nothing could make me sad. Now let’s go fix this whole mess.”

“Ok daddy.” Dulcie says as she takes my hand and follows me over towards the bodies of those I care for.

I kneel down and place a hand on Celestia, murmuring as I do so, and then on Discord, and finally on my beloved Twilight. As I touch each of them they open their eyes and gasp for breath.

“What-” Celly starts.

“THE-” Discord continues.

“FUCK!?!?” Twilight finishes.

“Good to see you too.” I smile and snap my fingers. All the orcs disappear, all the people of Haven emerge from their shelter, and all is right with the world. I lean over and help Twilight to her hooves, kissing her just as soon as she’s up and standing.

“Let’s go home.” Dulcie suggests.

“Yes,” I agree, “let’s.”

I cross my fingers and we’re all transported back to the library. When we get there my boys and all of our friends are there as well. I look at the smiles on each of their faces, I feel the warmth of their love, and I have no problem ignoring the desperate cries from the suicidal mind within my own.

All is right with the world.

And I couldn’t be happier.

Last peice of the puzzle
View Online

The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Last peice of the puzzle

Pinkie, God bless her, pulls party supplies from one of her many emergency stashes and sets a happy and tame affair up before I can even argue against it. I nearly resist but being here with all my family and friends around me seems to be a pretty good reason to celebrate so I just roll with it and help my overzealous friend decorate.

Once the necessary streamers and ribbons are in place I open my personal bar up and soon everyone is chatting and drinking and having a good time just being here.

I walk around and talk to all of my friends; discussing current events, explaining why I brought them all here, and sharing good news. I spend over an hour speaking with the various ponies who fill my life and brighten my day so I’ll sum it up quickly.

<><><><><>

My adoptive father, Orion, is retiring from the Canterlot Royal Library later this month, he and Dazzle plan to move to Haven and open a public library there.

Shining and Cadance will soon be parents and discuss naming their child after me.

Celly and Discord are debating when to publicly announce their plans to wed and ask me for advice. They end up deciding to tell the nation tomorrow at noon.

“Luna and Dulcie are busy planning their own wedding and ask me a dozen questions on how they should go through with it. They end up accepting my idea to have a small wedding with just friends and family followed by a large, fancy royal wedding before the nation.

Pinkie and Joe are moving back to Ponyville with their kids since their restaurant has become a successful chain and they can now retire happily. I promise to build them their dream house as a gift.

Big Mac and his family are doing well, at the moment they have offers from eight different other farming families to invest in and run a Sweet Acres farm. When the first deals go through they’ll be millionaires.

Rarity is going to keep running her Boutique as well as managing the new branches of it while Tobias will be taking time off from his career in order to care for their new foal.

Jacob and the GreenWind boys are living it up in a lap of luxury from all the money they’ve been making and I add to their profits a bit with a discreet purchase of some grade A hashish.

And that about wraps it up.

<><><><><>

The party ends and most everyone heads for home. Soon only My wife, my sleeping boys, and my baby girl are left. I put the boys to bed, kissing them each and telling them how much I love them as I do, and they wake up just long enough to speak back.

“Goodnight Teddy, I love you.” I say softly.

“I love you too dad!” he smiles at me and drifts to sleep.

“Night Starry, I love you too.” I say quietly.

“Night daddy, love you!” he giggles and snuggles under his blankets.

“Night Leeroy.” I say casually.

“Mama!” he squawks. “Love you Mama!”

“Love you to Leeroy.” I laugh and tell the bumbling bird.

I flip the light out in their room and walk out to the patio where Twi and Dulcie are drinking and chatting.

“Aren’t you a bit young to be drinking beer?” I ask as I steal an unopened can from my daughter and open it for myself.

“Daaad!” She whines jokingly. “Technically I’m older than you!”

“Fine,” I say and toss her another can, “but NO motorcycle driving for you tonight little miss.” She laughs and Twi look confused.

“Inside joke.” We explain to the perplexed purple pony.

“So what are you going to do now?” Dulcie asks me.

“I guess I’m just going to settle down, spend time with the boys, the two of you, and all my friends and just enjoy life.”

“I think she meant right now.” Twilight expounds.

“Well…” I pause and rub my temples. “You know how I said that the last personality couldn’t bother me?”

“Yeah.” Dulcie responds.

“No.” Twi answers.

“Well I was wrong. I can’t stand it.” I tell them.

“What can you do about it?” Twi asks.

“Not much,” I tell her, “unless…”

“Unless what?” my wife asks me.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” I tell them and disappear from sight.

<><><><><>

I blink back into existence in the middle of a white, spotlessly clean waiting room. I look around at the hundreds of pale, worried looking people but none of them take the least bit of notice to me. I pass by the bored people and find myself next to a long line for an escalator. I by pass the line and just fly up nest to the towering set of moving steps. Few of the men and women on it look at or even acknowledge me but most of the children see me and wave. I wave back to them all as I fly higher and higher until a layer of clouds blocks any further ascension. I ignore the obstacle and just plow through the soft, pillowy surface and to the other side. Astonished gasps and surprised shouts assail my ears from every side but I ignore them as well and just walk up to the pearly white gates and the white haired man holding an IPad next to them.

“Saint Peter I assume.” I say when I near him. He holds out a hand and I shake it.

“I most certainly am,” he tells me, “now might I ask why you’ve come barging up here today?”

“I need to speak with my wife.” I explain to him.

“Mrs. Elizebeth Ryder I presume.” He asks after scrolling through a few pages on his tablet.

“Yes sir, that’s her.” I confirm.

“You know that under most circumstance an ordinary fellow couldn’t come up here and demand to talk to a deceased loved one.” He scolds me.

“Yeah, but I’m not an ordinary man and my circumstances aren’t like most.” I tell him.

“Fair enough,” he shrugs his shoulders and opens the gates, “seems legit, go on in.”

“Thank you very much sir.” I say as I walk in.

“Think nothing of it my good man.” He shouts after me as I fly past the gates of heaven and into the heart of the afterlife.

I wave to the hard working saint and continue on my way, passing by happy people and smiling children, I guess heaven really is all it’s cracked up to be. I get a good deal of odd looks but no one stops me or even speaks to me as I meander though the city looking for Lizzie.

I’m crossing a street when a tap on my shoulder makes me turn around. I look uup at the man who stopped me and I gasp.

“Mother of God!” I exclaim.

“I do believe you’re mistaken,” the enormous bearded man in a white robe next to me says, “that would be Mary.”

“I’m very sorry sir it’s just that I didn’t expect to meet you personally while I was here.” I explain to him.

“You really expected to break into my city, kidnap one of my children, and not meet me?” he asks.

“Kind of,” I tell him, “yes.”

“Heh,” he lets loose a mighty, baritone laugh and claps me hard on the back, “well that plan obviously failed.”

“Yep.” I say nervously.

“Come with me son.” He sets a meaty hand on my shoulder and starts to steer me towards the center of the city.

After walking a few blocks with God almighty I raise the courage to speak again.

“So, um, where are we going?” I ask.

“I’m taking you to collect Elizebeth.” He answers without pause.

“Oh, Ok then. Wait, what?” Now I’m confused.

“You came here to talk with her and resolve that pesky multiple personality problem didn’t you?” he asks.

“Yeah…” I answer.

“Do you really think you could have seen her in such a sorrowful state as the one she is currently in and not stayed here?”

“Well… no.” I admit.

“But I need you to stay in Equestria, it’s important that you do that, so I’m letting you take her back.” He tells me as we near a building of pure white marble.

“Buh?” I mumble stupidly.

“Heh,” he laughs again as we climb the steps to the building, “I gave you a second life and I gave Dulcie four so it’s the least I can do to grant Elizebeth another life and allow her to spend more time with her family, besides, I owe her for all the work she’s done reorganizing my library. It was an awful mess before she got here and now it’s damn near perfect.”

God keeps talking as we walk into the main foyer of his library but his words fall on deaf ears.

“Lizzie.” I murmur when I see her quietly shelving books.

“Hmm,” God mutters, “I’ll finish explaining everything later, right now I think you should go to her.” I’m running towards my long lost wife before he can even finish his words. I hear him chuckle as I jump over tables and knock chairs out of my way but I don’t really think about it. Right now only one thing matters and that’s Lizzie.

She turns and sees me just as get close. A faint smile forms on her lips and the books in her grasp fall to the floor.

“Lafayette.” She whispers.

“Lizzie.” I cry out. I slow down and walk up to her. “I thought I’d never see you again.” I say.

“But I knew you would!” she says as I wrap my arms around and kiss her.

“That’s why I always listened to what you told me,” I say in-between kisses, “because you’re always right.” I hold her tight and I shed tears of joy. I have her back. I have Lizzie back.

“So,” she stops kissing me and looks into my eyes, “are you staying with me?”

“No.” I tell her. I wait until her tears turn from joy to pain and the first sob starts. “You’re coming with me.”

“What?” she asks startled at the abrupt announcement.

“I talked to God,” I point back at the towering figure behind me, “and he told me I could take you home with me.”

“Really?” she asks in disbelief.

“Really,” God walks over and places a hand on each of us, “you may return to Equestria with Lafayette for the rest of your days, but before you go I must explain a few important things.”

“Ok.” Lizzie says gleefully.

“Wait,” I interrupt, “what about Twi?”

“Who, wait, where? What?” Lizzie asks.

“After I died God sent me to the land of Equestria and while there I kind of, sort of, maybe got remarried.” I tell her.

“You what?” she says bluntly.

“Please do not be upset Elizebeth,” God intervenes, “it was in my plan for Lafayette to fall in love with Twilight, just as it is my plan to send him back to Equestria and raise his children; they will be very important in the approaching events.”

“I’m not mad,” Lizzie says, “actually I’m kind of excited, I always did like threesomes.”

I laugh heartily but stop with a sudden realization. “I don’t know if Twi-”

“The two of you had a three-way with her teacher,” God interrupts, “I think she’ll be fine with a second spouse, especially one with as much in common with her as Elizebeth has.”

“So then,” I say, taking a seat and letting Lizzie sit on my lap, “what all did we need to chat about before we head home?”

“Well,” God summons a chair built to suit his massive frame and then sits next to us, “only two things really. First I would like you to know that I’ll be raising the age restriction on the Equestrian Human mind from a hundred to two hundred, along with that I will redesign the body to function properly until then.”

“So all the Humans there now-” I start to say.

“All those there now and all of their descendants will live comfortably and healthily until, at minimum, the age of a hundred and ninety. I will grant you all the same gift I presented to Adam and Eve; no pain, nor illness, nor injury befall any of you so long as you bask in the light of goodness. Only evildoers will be stricken down with ailments and diseases.”

“Sounds good,” I say, “what else?”

“I want you to raise your sons, all three, to be strong and smart and good. Mold them into leaders, soldiers, and most importantly believers. Such qualities will be needed from them in the years to come and I entrust the two of you as well as Twilight to prepare them for it.”

“I think I can do that,” I tell him, “but, um, one more thing before we leave.”

“Go on.” He instructs me.

“About, uh, morality; what’s acceptable or not now that we’re in a new land with aliens?”

“I condone interspecies relationships as well as polygamy,” he explains, “and in case you are wondering I’m just fine with homosexuality and casual fornication as long as it does not become excessive or destructive.”

“So no orgies in the park?” Lizzie asks crestfallen at the loss.

“Orgies are fine so long as they are in good taste, and by that I mean condiments are involved in some way.” He says.

“God,” I tell him, “you’re fucking awesome!”

‘I know I am,” he says, “now you two head on home, you have my blessings. Oh, before you leave I also wanted to tell you to start up a standardized Catholic church in Equestria. Here,” he hands me a Bible and another, much larger book, “these will explain all my expectations and rules for your people and give guidelines for the church.”

“Thank you God!” Lizzie and I say as we head out the doors and for home.

I hold my late wife in my arms and fly back the way I came, stopping only to thank saint Peter for letting me in, and back towards home.

“So you were the whiny, crying mind I kept feeling.” I say as we near the layer of clouds.

“I missed you,” she explains, “and it got to be too much to handle. Please forgive me.”

“How can I forgive you for missing me?” I ask. “Besides, it was your emotions that led me to you. It all worked out… sort of.”

“Sort of.” She agrees with me and holds tight as I jump from one universe to another.

<><><>

“Want another beer Dulcie?” Twilight offers as she pulls herself a hard cider from the fridge.

“Sure.” Dulcie calls from the patio.

“Here you go.” Twilight says as she walks back outside with two bottles in her magical gripe.

“Thanks… Mom?” Dulcie pauses mid sentence and then stands.

“You’re welc-.” Twilight starts to say but the sudden appearance of her husband and a slender woman in white garbs stops her short.

“I’m back.”

<><><>

“I’m back.” I say as Lizzie and I appear on the patio.

“MOM!” Dulcie shouts and runs over to hug my late wife.

“What in Equestria?” Twi asks.

“Twilight,” I say leading Lizzie and Dulcie over to her as I speak, “I’d like you to meet my last wife; Lizzie.”

“Hi…” Twilight says awkwardly.”

“You can call me Elizebeth if you like.” Lizzie kneels down and hugs my current wife. “It’s very nice to meet you Twilight.

“Nice to meet too Elizebeth.” Twi responds.

“Hey Lizzie,” I say, “why don’t you and Dulcie catch up while I have a word with Twi.”

“Ok.” She smiles at Twi and walks back over to her daughter.

I nod at Twi to walk with me and we head into the kitchen.

“What the hay happened?” Twilight asks just as soon as we’re out of earshot of the others.

“I met God,” I tell her, “he had me bring her home, gave me these,” I hand her the two books, “told me to start a Catholic church here, and then he said that homosexuality and polygamy were A Ok with him.”

“So what?” Twi asks. “You want to have a three-way marriage?”

“Mac, Shy, and Caramel did it and it’s been working great for them.” I try to defend myself.

“So this Elizebeth,” Twilight starts in, “does she like books?”

“Not only does she love them, she was god’s personal librarian while in Heaven.” I tell her.

“Is she nice?”

“One of the kindest people I’ve ever met.”

“Is she good in bed?”

I lean down next to Twilight and whisper into her ear. “Incredible.”

“What the hay, sounds good to me!” She exclaims.

I smile at Twilight and we walk back out to talk with Dulcie and Lizzie.

<><>

<><><>

My boys are doing great.

My baby girl is getting married.

The love of my first life has returned.

And the love of my second life loves her also.

The church has been established and a pope elected.

The world is at peace and everything has worked out.

Sort of.

And I couldn’t be happier.

The end

Epilogue
View Online

The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Epilogue

Dark grey clouds float above the capitol city of Canterlot. They blot out Celestia’s sun and darken the palace with gloomy shadows. Any of the number of Pegasi within the castle could easily dispatch the overcast weather but a far more pressing matter has presented itself before them all.

Crammed inside the guest hall of the palace and even loitering on the grounds around it are thousands of mourning Humans and ponies alike. Though only a handful of friends and relatives of the honored man are allowed into the inner sanctum of the astral sisters all none are leaving just yet, none will leave until his passing has been spoken of.

<><><><><>

In a small room fit for a princess nine souls mourn in their own manor; Twilight weeps and Elizebeth sobs, Dulcie quietly hugs her lover and Thaddeus rereads his father’s favorite book for the tenth time, Starlight Bright prays under his breath and Leeroy clucks solemnly, and Celestia and Discord simply sit together and smile at the many memories of their friend.

A knock at the door signals the arrival of another friend of the deceased.

“Come in.” Discord mutters after realizing no one else is able to speak at the moment.”

The double doors creak open and an old, winkled earth pony limps in.

“Hello Father Waddle.” Celestia says softly as the knobbly kneed priest enters the room and takes a seat next to the grieving widows.

“Your highness.” The elderly pony nods his head and smiles softly. “I know this is hard for you all, but I do think we should proceed with the service soon. The crowd outside is growing anxious.”

“Well then,” Thaddeus says as he stands and slides the worn, dog eared book into a pocket, “let’s get this over with.”

The two sons, one human and one pony, walk side by side with each other and lead the family out of the stuffy room. Behind them their mothers follow slowly and their sisters stand still.

“We’ll meet you in a bit.” Dulcie says with tears in her eyes.

“Ok sis,” Thaddeus tells his angelic sibling without even breaking his stride, “just don’t take too long.”

“I think we’ll need a moment as well,” Twilight says as she and Elizebeth stop in their tracks, “you two go on ahead with Father Waddle and Celestia.”

“Sure thing Ma.” Starlight says as he and his brother walk away. Once they’re out of earshot of the other he speaks again, but much quieter this time. “Now that father’s gone and Sujenymos is dying we’ll be facing a diplomatic shit storm.”

“Yeah,” Thaddeus agrees soberly, “and with Zaran and Duwiqdencaf fighting-”

“And Sujey’s son Suweihenymus vying for the spot as new leader of his family,” Starlight adds.

“And because of that,” Thaddeus agrees, “we’ll be facing a war if we’re not careful.”

“What are we going to do?” Starlight asks as they near their destination.

“Try and prevent it.” Thaddeus deadpans.

“And if we can’t?” Starlight asks yet another question.

“Then we raise an army and fight.” Thaddeus explains apathetically.

“…” the equine brother is caught off guard by this and remains quiet as their family approaches them.

"We'll discuss it further later, Ok?" Thaddeus says and Dulcie walks up.

“Are we ready?” Dulcie asks them.

“Just about,” Thaddeus answers, “all we need is for the Pope to get here.”

“I’ll be there shortly.” The siblings turn to see Father Waddle limp towards them. “Do forgive me; these legs of mine aren’t what they once were.”

“No worries Father,” Starlight assures the aged priest, “We’re in no real hurry.”

“Then let us begin.” Father Waddle says as everyone gathers around the doors to the outside.

“Who’s going first?” Twilight asks in-between sniffles.

“If you wish,” Celestia steps forward, “I’ll begin the service.”

“That’s fine.’ Elizebeth tells the new Queen of Equestria.

Celestia nods and passes through the doors to a balcony overlooking the waiting crowd.

<><><><><>

Five thousand Humans and hundreds of ponies fall silent as their queen appears before them. Not a cough, nor a sneeze, nor a neigh, nor a hoof beat can be heard as Celestia begins to speak.

“My loyal subjects, both Human and Equestrian, today marks the passing of a great man, a man respected and admired by all. He was a good friend of mine; he saved me long ago when I gave into temptation and very nearly made a tremendous blunder, he was a good father; his boys are just as well liked as he was in our communities, he was a good husband; his wives loved him deeply and truly, and he was a good man; he risked his life on several occasions to protect us all, he is the reason that we are at peace with the Dragons and the Griffins, he is the reason the feral Orcs no longer disturb us, he is the reason for all the new cities that have been constructed around our nation in the last century, he is the cause of too many great things to name.” The queen of the known world bows her head and stifles a tear. “I am sure that you have all heard the rumors of his passing and I wish to make things perfectly clear. Lafayette Ryder has indeed passed away; early this morning his heart stopped and his mind faded away.” Celestia pauses and takes a deep breath. “He will be dearly missed and in his honor I proclaim today, the eighth of November, to be a holiday.” A cheer erupts from the crowd at the announcement. “I have said all I wish to say, Father Waddle would like to speak for a moment before we are finished here.” Tia moves out of the way as the first Equestrian Pope slowly takes center stage.

“I knew Lafayette well, he was the founder of our church, he organized and quite literally built it from the ground up, and I spoke to him often in regards to the new dogma given to us from God himself and about how things should function. Anytime anyone needed him for anything he would drop whatever he was doing to help them, without his guidance and leadership we would not know of world such as the one we live in today.” Father Waddle stops for a brief moment to cough and catch his breath, his asthma stymies his efforts to speak loud enough for the entire congregation before him to hear but he carries on nonetheless. “The Cardinal Bishops and I spoke this morning and we have already come to a unanimous decision; for all the charitable deeds, selfless work, and overall quality of character along with dozens of miracle performed during his life Lafayette shall be beatified by the holy Catholic Church. He will become the first Equestrian Saint and shall be known as such.” A second, louder roar of approval arises from the crowd. “Let us never forget the sacrifices he made and the battles he fought for us, may his memory live on and may he rest in peace forever more.” Father Waddle crosses himself and then the crowd and a final hurrah escapes the lips of those gathered around the castle as he and Queen Celestia leave the balcony and return to the family of the deceased inside.

“Hey,” Thaddeus nudges his brother, “where did you say that dad wanted to be buried at?”

Starlight pulls a will from his saddle bag and skims through it.

“Uh, some place called the Everfree Forest, he wanted us to dig a grave right by the entrance of it for him.” Starlight tells the entire family.

“Then let’s get to it.” Thaddeus says with an air of authority.

<><><><><>

An hour later outside the dense and overgrown woods of the Everfree Thaddeus stands and pulls himself out of a freshly dug grave. He wipes the sweat from his brow with a dirty handkerchief and smiles slightly.

“It’s done.” He says to those gathered around him. “Let’s set him down.”

Together Thaddeus, starlight, Dulcie, Big Macintosh, and Tobias ease a wooden casket into the grave. They pull the ropes out and prepare to cover the oak box with the pile of displaced earth nearby.

“Any last words?” Starlight asks suddenly.

Everyone present either nods or speaks to the affirmative.

“Go ahead then,” Thaddeus says, “I can wait as long as I need.”

The first to stand and speak is Big Macintosh. The years have taken a toll on his unusually large body and he grunts from the effort as walks back to the graveside. He looks down into the hole and speaks.

“You were mah friend, a good one an a true one an that’s all I coulda axed ya for. You helped out every year with tha harvests an the buckings, if not for you ah’m purty sure the farm woulda gone under. I can’t thank ya enough for that. I can’t thank enough for tha confidance ya gave meh either, had it not been for ya ah never woulda had the guts to court my wife an I never woulda married either of my spouses. My life with them has been wonderful an it’s all thanks to you.” Mac chokes back a sob and continues. “Thank ya buddy, you take care now.” Mac nods his head and returns to his family.

Tobias walks up and smiles wistfully.

“I’m not a Mule of many words so I’ll just say this; I’ll miss you bro, I owe you a lot, be seein’ ya round.” And he walks back to his wife’s side.

Jacob struts over and takes a hit of a joint before speaking.

“You an meh, we was bruddas, you was my brudda an ah’ll neva fogeet dat. Once a GreenWind boi alweeys a GreenWind boi. Reest en peece brudda, won love.” He tokes the jay again and flies back to his spot with the other Griffins of the tribe.

“Won love brudda!” they shout together.

Dulcie leaves her wife and her baby boy and slowly approaches the grave.

“I love you daddy.” She whispers and walks away.

Thaddeus, Starlight, and Leeroy walk up together and kneel down.

“You taught us so much,” Thaddeus begins.

“You gave us the love of learning,” Starlight continues.

“How to read,”

“How to write,”

“How to respect everyone,”

“How to love them all,”

“Or at least tolerate their differences,”

“You taught us everything we needed to know.”

“Love you dad.” Thaddeus murmurs.

“I love you dad.” Starlight mutters.

“Love Mama!” Leeroy squawks.

The three stand up and walk over to their families; Thaddeus a wife, two baby girls and a young son, Starlight a husband and an adopted son, and Leeroy a mate and a brood of chicks.

Celestia, Discord, and Luna make their way to the grave of their mutual friend.

“Men like you are few and far in-between,” Celestia quotes, “I’m glad to have known you.”

“He brought a little chaos into all our lives,” Discord says with a smile, “and we all love him for it.

“I’m proud to have been able to call you dad,” Luna mumbles, “thanks for everything. I’ll take good care of you baby girl for you.”

Many others speak but they find that they can only sum up their love and respect for their friend in a few words.

“A great guy an a trustworthy friend.” Applejack says proudly.

“A great athlete, he was always there for me.” Rainbow Dash describes.

“Generous beyond belief.” Rarity adds.

“Super fun!” Pinkie Pie exclaims.

“The nicest, sweetest person I’ve ever met.” Fluttershy whispers.

“A cool dude.” Spike mentions.

“He made great muffins.” Derpy recalls.

Everyone speaks at least a few words until only his widows are left. Twilight and Elizebeth walk to the grave together and hug each other as they look at their husband for the last time.

“You loved us both so much,” Elizebeth begins.

“And we loved just as much.” Twilight finishes.

“Goodbye Lafayette.” They say together.

Everyone stays and watches as Thaddeus buries the man they all cared for. Whenever Thaddeus shows the least bit of tiredness someone or somepony or somegriffin steps in and helps out, by the time the grave is filled in all the way all present have helped out even if it was only one shovelful they had moved.

“I think we’re done.” Thaddeus says in a cracked voice as the last bit of earth is replaced over his father.

“We’re missing something.” Starlight nods at the lack of a headstone at the grave.

“I can fix that.” Twilight steps forwards and closes her eyes. Her horn glows and simple stone appears just where it should be.

Everyone smiles as they read the inscription and slowly they head for home, carrying with them the memory of a man who changed all their lives and their entire world for the better.

He may be gone, but he’ll never be forgotten.

<><><><><>

In the shadow of old growth trees in a forest forever free of the touch of either man or pony lays a grave site with only a small headstone to mark it. The words on the stone are few but they are true.

Here lies Lafayette Ryder
A better father than he thought he could be
A loving, devoted husband
A caring, kind, and wonderful man
In the end everything worked out
Sort of

Interview with the Equestrian
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Interview with the Equestrian

“Lafayette!” a sweet sounding voice calls to me from downstairs.

“Yeah Twi?” I respond to her from five rooms away.

“Somepony is here to see you.” she tells me as I roll out of bed.

“Tell ’em I’ll be there in just a minute.” I shout as I slip a greasy T-shirt over my head and throw a pair of rumpled shorts on. “I’m coming.” I grumble as I sleepily trudge out of my room, through our house, and into the library. “So who wants to see m-” I’m cut off by a sudden stream of Greek.

-HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I CANNOT BELIEVE I’M FINNALY GOING TO GET TO TALK TO YOU! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!- Lyra squeals.

“What on Earth is she saying?” Lizzie asks nervously and backs away from the spastic sea foam green mare in front of us.

“Nothing important.” I tell Twilight. -Now shut up and sit down or leave!- I shout at Lyra in her own favorite tongue.

“I’m sorry,” she apologizes and takes a seat, “but I’m just so excited to talk to you! I tried to before but when I first saw you I went a little over the edge and then later you teleported me away and the-”

“Yes,” I interrupt her rambling, “I remember, I was there. Now want do you want.”

“I want to interview you!” Lyra happily exclaims.

“Oh Jesus Christ…” I mutter. “Fine, let’s get this started.” I sit down next to her and hold my head in my hands. “What do you wanna know?”

“A buncha things.” She replies.

“Shoot.” I deadpan.

“Why are you here?”

“To fuck bitches and get money.” I answer sarcastically.

“Wut?”

“I’m here because God had this complicated plan to fuck shit up and it involved me being killed on Earth and sent here to fix a few things and prepare for the necessary parts arrival.”

“Uh…Ok then.” The mint green mare decides to skip to a new question. “What’s it like having fingers?” she asks.

“Now how in the hell am I supposed to answer that?”

“Um… so what’s it like having opposable thumbs?” she jumps to yet another stupid ass inquiry.

“What’s it like having flexible hooves?” I ask.

“Err… so how are you liking Equestria.”

“I fucking love this place,” I tell her, “I have two wonderful wives, three great sons, and two loving daughters. My life here is better than it ever was back home.”

“Ahh…”

“So?”

“So… how’s the weather treating you?”

I facepalm and laugh. “You have no good questions to ask do you?”

“Nope,” Lyra confesses, “not really.”

“LYRA!” we both look over at the door as my interviewers name is shouted. Standing outside is a very pissed off looking Bon Bon.

“Come on in.” Lizzie says as Twi opens the door and lets the furious filly in.

“Thank you,” Bon Bon stops long enough to smile at my wives but soon returns to glaring at her own spouse. “Lyra! We’re supposed to be going out for dinner! Not pestering our neighbors!”

“But-” Lyra argues.

“No buts!” Bon Bon interjects. “Now we are going out to eat and that is final! You can come and bother Lafe later but for right now you’re mine.”

“Fine,” Lyra concedes and gets up, “you win this time candy ass.” She mutters as she trots towards the door.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!” Bon Bon shouts.

“Nothing!” Lyra defends herself. “Nothing at all dear!”

“Good, now let’s go.” Bon Bon holds the door open as her wife scurries past her and outside. “Sorry to bother you,” she apologizes to me, “you know how she can get when it comes to humans. Oh well, bye!” and with that Bon Bon follows Lyra outside, her confection covered derriere bumping the door closed as she leaves.

A moment of silence engulfs the room and Twi and Lizzie look over at me.

“That was…” Twilight begins.

“Odd.” Lizzie finishes.

“Weird shit is weird.” I quip as my wives stare at me.

“How’s pizza sound for lunch?” Lizzie asks after a moment.

“Sounds good.” I say.

“Let’s go.” Twi adds.

I get up and follow my beautiful brides out the door and into town for some supper, leaving all thoughts of my random encounter behind in the library along with my keys.

This takes place a few weeks after chapter 99.

The Epic Poem of Draconic Lore
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The Epic Poem of Draconic Lore

I am currently enrolled in a creative writing class, which I am enjoying a great deal, and for our poetry segment I've crafted an epic poem in octosyllabic rhyming couplets from the Draconic lore within my story. I thought I'd share it with my fellow Bronies before I share it with my class.

At the dawn of time,
Before the rise of the moon,
Or the glare of the hot sun,
When Goddess Eris,
Set life in motion,
Unleashed chaos and order,
Reveled discord and peace,
Another Goddess arose,
Out of the bleak nothingness,
She bore the mighty families,
Of dragons, and Rocs, and Wyverns,
Sea Serpents and Constalite beasts,
Upon her children she bestowed,
Her very essence may be blessed.

While the Astral cycle formed,
A great winged beauty was born,
Immaculately she did bear,
Three Draconic sons in her lair,
Duwiqdencaf, Sujenymos,
And Zaran covered in scale coats,
The first two brothers did depart,
While the third stole his mother’s heart,
Sujey and Duwiq soon returned,
To relay what all they had learned,
To one another they could speak,
But not to any others they would meet,
All three brothers asked for a voice,
So their mother made a grave choice,
With a talon-like fingernail,
She slit her throat and loosed a wail,
To her children her voice transferred,
But scared and muted it left her,
Her words turned to guttural moans,
Reminiscent of cracking bones,
In honor of her sacrifice,
A language her sons did devise,
Akin to her now rumbling tone,
A language of grunts, howls, and groans,
When perfected and carved into stone,
To Zaranquenyes it was shown,
So very pleased by this gift was she,
That she blessed her sons should they leave,
Soon after they were all blessed,
She was left with an empty nest,
Her sons left and began to quarrel,
She felt so alone and mournful,
In her grief she conceived once more,
A roc, Wyvern, and Serpent she bore,
These children stayed but wished to go,
To seek a life of wonders unknown,
With a heavy heart, tears in eye,
Zaranquenyes told them goodbye,
The godly matriarch felt sorrow,
Without a companion she felt hallow,
Far too sad to conceive another,
Nostalgic for her time as a mother,
She wandered from her cavern, why?
To take solace in the night sky,
Desiring someone to love,
Inspiration led her above,
The strands of night she stitched together,
Hoping to sow a mate like a sweater,
But her mind wandered as she worked,
And from her design she did divert,
So her lover was born bestial,
Rather than kind, sweet, and cordial,
The beast of the stars disregarded,
His maker and soon departed,
She let the Constalite beast roam,
It wouldn’t do to keep as her own,
The beast returned to the dark night,
Molded the sky with his sharp bite,
Gnashing and tearing it made a mate,
To live with, love, and procreate,
Zaranquenyes grew quite depressed,
She was so tired but could not rest,
She contemplated fading away,
Her health worsened with each passing day,
Her morbid thoughts put on hold,
By her younger sons and what they told,
Her elder sons were now lonely,
They desired a mate only,
Zaranquenyes thought long and well,
Planned something simple that could not fail,
She birthed a bride for each son,
Knowing that her time was done,
Soon all her children were by her side,
To comfort her at the end of life,
Seeing all her children gathered round,
Gave her joy as she laid her head down,
With her final breath she did utter,
A word more beautiful than any other,
Her sons all held her as she died,
And as her flesh crumbled they cried,
Her magic became her family’s,
As she left for a place more heavenly,
With her magic in all their hearts,
They said goodbye and did depart,
The Constalites returned to the sky,
To brighten the night, glow and shine,
The Serpents, Rocs, and Wyverns spread,
Wherever the waters or winds led,
The Draconic brothers bred fast,
Ensuring that their line would last,
And through history up till today,
You’ll hear the Draconic races say;
“May Zaranquenyes bless us all,
It’s her voice we hear when you call.”

Rewrite Sample - Chapter 1 "Free Fallin'"
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Rewrite Sample - Chapter 1 "Free Fallin'"

Sour tears well up beneath my glasses and my lips part in a shriek of pain. No noises reach my ears save the rushing wind. Blistering, searing heat scorches my flesh and nulls all other sensations. Despite the agony my mind continues to work as it usually does; considering first the air blasting past me, second the intense heat, and third HOLY GODDESS IT”S HOT! My bruised and swollen eyelids slowly wrench themselves unshut but the darkness remains as wholesome as before. The tickling flames recede while the wind brushes past ever faster. I was last in a Humvee in the middle of a supply convoy where, without doubt, I’m no longer positioned. Wind slaps at my exposed flesh as dust etches grooves into my rough skin. My vision slowly returns but no familiar sights come with it. I’m not home, but I’m not in Iraq either, I’m in…

“SHIT!”

My mind races into overdrive as blues click in; wherever I am it’s certainly not the Iraqi dessert, that grueling heat was from the fires of the ambushed convoy, and this wind sure as hell ain’t from cruising down the back roads of the Middle East at sixty. Nope, it’s from falling to my death. I can’t tell how fast I’m going, not that such trivial matters are of any concern at the moment, but I know enough to figure out I have but seconds before I collide with the ground below. I haven’t a clue how I managed to fall from such great heights but I’m sure it won’t end well for me.

My vision falters as I tumble down but I catch glimpses of a small village beneath me, they’ll be in for a nasty surprise any moment now. I notice the clouds pass me by; it almost seems as though there were things on them, shapes and figures, how odd. Not nearly as odd as my current predicament but odd all the same. Just above the whistling of the wind I can hear noises, screams by the sound of it. Wait… Wait, who the hell would be screaming up here? Gracelessly I flip myself to look into the sky where I’d so recently plummeted from and a startled grunt works its way from my lungs. Hovering above me is the largest pair of wings I’ve ever seen, far too large to be those of any bird I’d ever known of. Deciding to ignore the falcon of such immense size I turn back and prepare for my approaching fate.

“What are you doing?” a stunningly clear voice calls out.

I twist about in time to see the great, blue tipped wings and their owner barrel roll away leaving me alone as I near my end. All consideration of my strange encounter is ripped from my mind as the ground comes clearly into sight. I sure feel sorry for whoever has to clean up the mess once I land… I close my eyes and scream mightily as I hurtle towards the town square. Memories of failed belly flops fill my sickened head as I land with a series of sharp cracks. I was hoping that emptying my lungs of air would somehow lessen the pain of impact I know that little trick from experience. I remember jumping off a diving board and hitting the water stomach first, I remember the sudden pain as the air was violently forced from my lungs, I remember nearly drowning. Fortunately my friends, the same ones to dared me to pull the stunt, had dove in and saved me.

My friends aren’t here to save me now. And I don’t think they could save me even if they were.

The wretched agony of that miserable dive returns to me as I never thought possible. My flesh slams into the ground hard enough to leave a sizable dent. I thought I’d bounce, I once saw a man jump from his apartment building and bounce five feet after the initial impact, but no, I just lie there in pain. I feel as though every bone in my body has been shattered and every organ liquefied. I had expected black out before the real pain could hit. But of course that isn’t what happens; nothing ever goes the easy way for me.

My field of vision blurs red but I watch as villagers crowd around my broken and battered body. I blink wearily as a single civilian kneels down to get a better look at me.

“I guess that’s all for me.” I mumble softly.

My head swivels and slams to the ground with force that feels equivalent to my recent tumble. I smile to myself as darkness encroaches upon my sight.

“Here we go.”

And all fades away.

Author's Note

Here is a short sample of what I intend the rewrite to be like (Spoiler: no it's not). Expect more once summer begins.

The real rewrite will be quite similar to the original but better, in my own mind, and will get me in the groove to write the sequel. It will Literally be 85% identical but with a few much needed edits. But read it anyway to find out what's new and get in the groove yourself!

The Life and Times of Lafayette Ryder * Rewrite!
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The Life and Times of Lafayette Ryder * Rewrite!

The Life and Times of Lafayette Ryder * Rewrite!

All further chapters will be rewritten versions of chapters 1 through 101.
Enjoy!

Free fallin' (Rewrite)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Free fallin' (Rewrite)

Heat, blistering, searing heat is all that I can feel. Why’s it so damn hot? I look around but only see darkness; the warmth begins to fade as I realize why it’s so dark. I open my eyes and for a moment I think I’m still in my Humvee at the back of a convoy tearing down a dirt road somewhere in Iraq. Wind and dust whip at my face and nothing looks like home, or anywhere else I’ve been for that matter. But wait a second… this isn’t some back road in the middle east, this is…

“Shit.”

My brain hits overdrive as things begin to click; obviously I’m not in Iraq, that heat could only have been fire, and this wind isn’t from driving sixty miles an hour. No, it’s from free falling at terminal velocity. Now I’m not very good with math but I can tell that I’m no longer accelerating and I know what that means. I can also tell that I have just a few seconds before I hit the ground. I know I’m falling; I know the landing will not end well, what I don’t know is where I am or just how the hell I got here.

Thanks to my goggles I retain some of my vision as I plummet, I can see a small village beneath me, I can see the clouds pass me, I can hear the screams above me… wait what?

I had been falling belly down but now I flip to try and see what made the noise, the only things above me are massive clumps of oddly shaped clouds. No way was anyone up there. I must have mistaken the howling of the wind for a shriek. I ignore the shrill shouts of the wind and spin back holding my limbs out wide trying desperately to slow my descent. I can clearly see buildings with foreign architecture and people with bright, gaudy clothing now. I feel bad for whoever will have to clean up the mess after I land.

More shouts meet my ears, the wind is too loud to allow me to understand them but apparently someone on the ground has seen me. I can see people stop and look up towards me, I can see them point and hear muffled voices. Suddenly a voice calls out that I can hear clearly.

“Hey, what are you doing?!”

I flip once more to see who would say such a stupid thing. What I saw confused me. A young woman outfitted in a metal breastplate, cargo pants, and combat boots is following my descent closely, close enough for me to see the bag of chocolates stuffed under her armor and the golden tips of her outstretched it is at this moment that one of two possible explanations occur to me: A. being that I’m about to die and a punker angel is here to see me off, or B. that I’m hallucinating and that this is all just a very lucid and very bad trip. Honestly I’m hoping for option B. She’s still speaking, not that I’m listening, and I stare at her for a moment.

“That last step was a doozy wasn’t it?” she calls out to me, “See ya later!” before I can object or even comment her wings spread out to their full span and the air caught in her feathers whisks her away.

“Well, option B’s got a strong case here…” I muse aloud.

I waste a precious moment looking back at where the girl went before logic reminds me that angels rarely talk to me and I return to my previous position. The ground is getting closer and I can see the people better, but they don’t look right. They look like…no that would be insane…

The thought is ripped from my mind as I see how near to the ground I am. I say a quick prayer to any deities within earshot and let loose a mighty scream, maybe this will be like a belly flop and hurt worse if I have a chest full of air. Or maybe this will be like a free fall to my death from a thousand feet and hurt no matter what I do. Either way there’s no stopping now, I cry out to god, to any god, just as I collide with a dirt road.

That mention of how to do a belly flop without hurting yourself, I know that little trick from experience. I remember jumping off a diving board and hitting the water stomach first, I recall the sudden pain as the air was forced out of my lungs, and I most certainly retain the fear of almost drowning. Fortunately my friends, the same ones to dared me to pull the stunt, had dove in and saved me.

My friends aren’t here to save me now. I don’t think they could save me even if they were.

The pain of that failed belly flop returns to me a thousand fold or so as I land. I thought I would bounce, I once saw a man jump from his apartment building and bounce five feet after the initial impact, but I just lie there in pain. I feel as though every bone in my body has been shattered and every organ liquefied. I had expected to connect with the earth and black out immediately before the real pain could hit. But of course that isn’t what happens; nothing ever goes the easy way for me.

I gasp for breath to no avail, my vision is reddish, partly from the impact and partly because I lie in a pool of my own blood. I try to swallow and find where the blood originated from, I must have bitten my tongue when I fell, speaking of which I can see part of it in the puddle of blood. My vision blurs and starts to fade; I can’t breathe and I’m probably bleeding badly. At least I won’t die in some Godforsaken desert. I guess a minute has passed since I landed, I can see the crowd around me but I can’t hear them. All I can hear is ringing, and not that of a tolling church bell but more like that of an annoying cell phone.

I finally force a gasp of air in, wincing as I do. I pick my head up to see those around me, grimacing as I do. My confusion returns as I prop my head on an arm. With my other arm I run my hand over my side and chest, strange, no apparent breaks but pain everywhere. Just poking my gut is enough to force me back down and into the fetal position.

I’m still alive but I don’t think that will last very long.

With that last thought I close my eyes and drift away.

So, there’s the bright light I’ve heard so much about. Wait, two of them? Oh hell, do I have to pick one? I begin to panic until the sound of rubber wheels and the smell of antiseptics greet me. I’m not dead; I’m just in a hospital.

Everything makes sense now, well more sense at least, I was in the convoy when we were ambushed, I got hurt, I was hallucinating, per option B, and now I’m at the hospital on base. Soon enough a doctor will prescribe me some nice painkillers and everything will be back to normal. Maybe I’ll even get to go home, see my family and…

A jolt of pain meets my torso without warning and I groan as muscles spasm and contract suddenly. After a few deep breaths to ease the agony I open my eyes, expecting a nurse or a doctor to be there and explain what happened. Instead I see bags of liquids suspended in air with tubes snaking down into either arm, my legs in transparent tubes of blue goo, and my chest bandaged tightly. I take another glance, this time around the room rather than just at myself, and I see balloons on a dresser, all my gear including my rifle and sidearm on a desk, and someone sitting, no lying, across from me with their nose buried in a thick book.

I grunt slightly, coughing under my breath as I ease myself into a sitting position. It must have been louder than I thought as the person reading looks up. As far as I can tell this is the second angel I’ve seen today, and by far the fairer of the two. Her hair is long, swirled, and a deep shade of purple, almost black, with streaks of lighter tones every few strands. Her skin is dark violet, and her smile… her smile is radiant.

The ringing in my ears persists but I can hear her voice, soft and sweet, as she introduces herself.

“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle.”

My head falls back swiftly unto my pillow and I drift back to sleep. Surely the doctor has taken the liberty of already doping me up on painkillers.

I’m not sure what he used or how much, but I think it’s safe to say that it worked.

Shattering the fourth wall (Rewrite)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Shattering the fourth wall (Rewrite)

I awake to an empty hospital room and laugh. There are no tubes around my legs, the intravenous drip is on an IV pole just as it should be, and no dusk toned angels rest before me.

“Damn doc, those drugs did the trick.” I speak quietly to myself, as I often do, but I find my statement false as I sit up and feel a tremendous jolt of pain in my chest and abdomen. I shout as I crumple back into the thin mattress. The metal hospital bed creaks straining to uphold my weight.

Red blurs my vision so I don’t see the door open or who enters, my ears on the other hand have stopped ringing and I can hear them. Two people, probably a Doc and a nurse, wait, no… four people? I hear four sets of footsteps and two voices, one of which I recognize as Twilight's or whoever she was that spoke to me earlier. I guess her voice had been real and her appearance had been the hallucination, I assumed she was a nurse who had just checked on my while I was out.

I manage to prop my head up on a pillow so that I could see who was with her. On second thought I’ll just go back to sleep. Standing by the doorway was Twilight Sparkle, not the human owner of her voice but her. Next to her is a white mare with a Red Cross tattoo on her hip and a nurse’s hat.

MARE, not woman, mare as in a pony. What the hell?

My jaw drops and I stare at them. Twilight, who was facing me, stops her conversation with the white mare and walks up to my bed. The white mare follows her and hands (hoofs?) me a small cup of water before leaving. My confusion must be evident because Twilight begins to speak calmly and slowly, like one would speak to a small child, and in this situation I feel as though I am a small child innocent and ignorant to whatever the hell is happening to me. Her first words bring a sense of déjà vu but as she continues to explain herself I start to calm down.

“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” Her smile seems genuine and her voice is just as sweet as I remember it being. “I know you’ve been through a lot, that fall must have been rough, but I was hoping to talk with you some. You’re very strange, I’ve never seen anything like you, no one has.” She stops just long enough to bring one of the chairs in the room over to my bedside. I’m sure my jaw has dislocated by now, she didn’t walk over and grab it she used some sort of telekinesis to move it. Her horn lit as she summoned the chair over and acted as if it were nothing out of the usual.

Had my brain been a PC the blue screen of death would have just appeared, had it been a Mac it would probably be running no worse than usual. It took a minute for me to grasp the situation.

I’m in a hospital.

I fell and nearly died.

There is a pony…unicorn actually… talking to me.

She seems to be just as sentient and intelligent as most humans.

Actually she is probably smarter than half the people I know.

Her voice derails my train of thought; I look over to her as she repeats herself.

“What’s your name?”

I mumble and groan, my throat is sore and dry and I can’t speak very well. I reach for the cup of water left by the nurse and gulp it down. I hawk a bit, Twilight flinches as I do, and I begin to speak. I’m stopped before I even start as Twilight questions me.

“Can you… Can you even understand me?”

I nod my head and speak, my voice is raspy and deep but she seems to hear it clearly.

“Yes I can understand you.” her smile returns and she retrieves a scroll and quill to write with. I stare at her use of telekinesis for a moment but wave it off and continue with what I was saying.

“My name is Lafayette Ryder.” Her smile shrank and a look of confusion, much like the one I’ve worn since I woke up here, replaced her previous attitude.

“What a… strange name. What does it mean?” it took a bit for her words to sink in but then they make sense. Names here must be like Indian names; Twilight Sparkle instead of Little Strong Heart. I think of a good analogy to describe my name but I can’t. Oh well I'll just explain it as best I can.

“It doesn’t mean anything, most names where I’m from don’t. Parents just pick a name they like and stick it to their child as a way to identify them. If you prefer you can just call me Lafe.”

Her quill scratches along the scroll as I speak and I can see symbols being drawn. Odd, we have a common spoken language but a different written language. Just one more thing for me to learn about this place.

She looks up at me and back to her paper.

“Oh I’m sorry; I may have paraphrased a few things.”

I wave a hand dismissively. “No problem, just don’t take anything out of context. What language is that anyway?”

Twilight looked puzzled, no doubt to her it sounded like I just asked what writing was. I knew almost nothing of where I was and most of my questions would be just as childish and strange to her as this one.

“It’s Royal Equestrian, most ponies use Standard Equestrian, but this report is going to the princesses so it needs to be formal. The only difference between the two is the level of formality and the extent of the vocabulary; Royal has more characters and words than Standard.”

“Ah, I see.” So two languages, the professor in me is delighted, I get to study not one but two alien languages! I decide that I should explain some human languages to her but first there is one more thing I need to know.

“Twilight?”

“Yes”

“Where, exactly, am I?”

Her expression is blank, I might have asked any sort of fascinating question but instead I ask for common knowledge.

“Equestria, you’re in Equestria. Where are you from, I just assumed you to be foreigner but if you were you would know where you are. Equestria is a superpower, the largest country on the planet, well the only real country anyway. We have the princesses to rule us; everywhere else just has a local form of government.”

So I was on another world and in a country ruled by a Mon… Diarchy? Hmm. I cut her rambling off with a cough and explain my origins.

“I am from the planet Earth, specifically the United States of America, which is a superpower there.”

“Could you tell me more?” twilight asks, eyes aglow with desire to learn of this new world I’ve mentioned to her.

“While I would love to, and I do intend on discussing it later, I would like to leave this place sooner rather than later.” I wave at the bleak and dreary surroundings and shift my weight on this uncomfortable bed.

She frowns; pulling at my heartstrings as I interrupt her but my promise to talk later and the stuffiness of the small room are enough to persuade her. Within twenty minutes I am cleared to leave the hospital. If it were not for my acting, or let’s call it what it is lying, skills and my high tolerance for pain I doubt they ever would have let me go so soon. I have to reassure both a doctor and a nurse that I feel fine while gritting my teeth to ignore the pain throughout my body. I may have survived the fall without any breaks but I’m bruised all to hell, fortunately most of it is under my clothes and out of sight.

I dress myself in the BDU I was wearing when I got here, equip all my gear, shoulder my back pack and sling my rifle over my neck. As we leave I see Twilight eyeing it suspiciously.

“Don’t worry.” I assure her. “All my weapons are either sheathed or on safety, they won’t go off unless I use them and I wouldn’t even consider doing that except in an emergency.”

While my words do calm her down some she still looks uneasy.

“What kind of weapons are they? The royal guards only carry spears. I’ve never seen anything like that.”

I have to duck again as we leave, the doors here obviously aren’t built for humans and at six foot five I could hit my head on doorways even back home. I’ll need to remember that or else I’ll end up with more concussions than a prize fighter. We walk down a dirt road to town and I tell her about my firearms.

“I’m glad you haven’t seen anything like it, they’re meant to be used for protection but more often than not they’re misused.”

“So why do you have one?” twilight eyes my suspiciously.

“I’m a soldier, a Marine specifically.” She stares at me blankly. “You know, military and all that fun stuff.” Again she fails to understand me. “Forget it, we’ll discuss it more later, how about that?” with a nod of agreement from Twilight we both continue on our way to the town.

As we close in on the town a question pops into my head.

“What’s this place called anyway?”

“Ponyville.”

I stop and chuckle. That chuckle soon becomes an outburst of side splitting laughter which actually begins to hurt my stomach so bad I have to stop. Twilight is beyond confused so I try to tell her that it would be like a town called Humansville but she doesn’t get it and I just start giggling again. Remember me saying I’m a Marine? That was true but I’m not some Drill Sergeant type who is super serious. I am the type who would kick your ass, giggle about it, and then help you up. Though that may just be a result of a few too many party nights back in college.

I give up on my explanation as we enter town. What I had assumed were people during my free fall, I now see are actually just more ponies. Lots of multicolored ponies, hair one or two colors and fur another. I also find that every one of the ponies has a tattoo on their hips. I myself have a few so I didn’t think that in itself was strange but the things the tattoos depicted were odd. Flowers and dolphins seem familiar but fruit, time pieces, and random symbols were not. I look back to twilight’s hip and see a large star surrounded by several others. She sees where I’m looking and blushes heavily. Realizing that I must have slipped up I look her in the eye and apologize.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend but I was wondering why everyone has tattoos on their hips.”

All traces of the blush disappear from Twilight’s face as she jumps into a lecture about ‘Cutie Marks’.

“Oh those, we call them Cutie Marks. They are on our flanks by the way not our hips.” Hearing that they were the equivalent of ass tattoos explains the blush. Well that’s one taboo to remember; don’t stare at the ink on the ass, then again that would be taboo back home too.

Twilight resumes her speech. “Everypony gets a Cutie Mark when they find their special talent in life.” She gives a shake of the hips…flank I guess, to show her own and continues. “Mine symbolizes magic, which I am quite proficient at. Most Marks are pretty simple to understand, for instance see that pink mare hopping over here?”

“Yes.”

“Can you see her Cutie mark?”

“Yes.”

“Well…”

“Oh, uh three balloons… is she a clown?” I laugh as Twilight face palms…face hooves? I turn around to see the energetic pink mare eye level with me, a smile as wide as a mile was glued to her face and…wait a second, how the hell is she eye level with me? These ponies are only four foot tall or so. I look down and see her legs suspended in air, for a second I think of the magic Twilight uses or the wings of the Pegasi I’ve seen flying about but a glance at her head and then shoulders proves her lack of either attribute.

This pony is hovering in mid air and looking at me expectantly.

“Hi?” I venture.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you Brendon, I haven’t seen you in ages, well not ages, but years- same thing really, and you’ve grown so much, and oh cool outfit, remember that party freshman year, wow that was awesome, I got so wasted and then you and I went back to your dorm room and then we played video games and then we smoked some reefer, oh I still have your iPod that you let me borrow only now I can’t use it because of the hooves, oh but the best part of the night was when we got in the Jacuzzi and…..”

Fearing both how the sentence would end and that she would run out of air soon I clamp a hand around her muzzle and shush her.

"I’m going to let go now, when I do I want you to stay quiet. Understand?” she nodded furiously and I let go. Free of all restraints she floated back to the ground and took a deep breath before beginning another sentence.

“…Fucked!” She whispers.

“What?!” Twilight and I both shout at once. Twilight turns to me with a very angry look on her face and demands an explanation, before I can start the pink mare barrels into a long story. The just of it was-

“Remember when Discord broke free? Well I got sent to Earth because of it, it was just a second here but I spent the night there. I got invited to a party at a college and I met Brendon there and we drank, and sang, and danced, and smoked, and then we fucked.” Twilight’s jaw fell and my brain rebooted in attempt to understand the jumble of run on sentences that came out of the pink one. Somehow during her story she had also told us about meeting Elvis at a laundry mat, dropping acid, skateboarding, and the insanity of someone’s affection for oatmeal. After a good two minutes of her smiling at Twilight and I, It clicked.

“Diana Pier!”

“You do remember me!” She began to dance and hop around me as Twilight finally makes sense of what is happening.

“So you went to earth, right Pinkie Pie.” Twilight points at the pink mare whose real name was apparently Pinkie pie. “And you did WHAT with her at a party?” she now points an accusing hoof at me.

“In my defense, I was young, drunk and at one point high. Also she was a human when all of that happened.” I hold my hands up and hope for the best. Fortunately Pinkie saves me by confirming my story and adding to it.

“Actually it was somewhat my fault because I kind of, sort of, maybe hit on him, grabbed his butt, oh and I also told him that if he wanted I would suck on his…”

“PINKIE!” Again we both shout in order to silence her blathering. Twilight follows the shout with a very embarrassed apology to me and an affirmation to Pinkie that she doesn’t want to hear anymore about the trip to Earth or what Pinkie and I did here.

After a rather awkward silence Pinkie excused herself, mumbling something about planning either a ‘welcome’ or a ‘let’s bang again’ party. For the love of God I hope she sticks with the first choice.

Dusk looms and Twilight offers that I can stay at her place for the time being. We navigate through town and end up at a tree house. Literally a tree made into a house and apparently a library as well. I thought to myself ‘What kind of person would want to live in a library’ then an answer came to me, I’m the kind of person who would want to live in a library! Evidently Twilight was of a like mind on the subject.

Though we both want to talk my pain and exhaustion overcome me and I ask where I can sleep at. Twilight guides my upstairs and pulls out a small guest bed for me to use. It fits two, she says. The problem is that it fits two ponies, not humans and certainly not ones of my stature and girth. I thank her for the gesture and tell her that my bed roll will do just fine.

I wait until after she points out the bathroom and heads downstairs before I undress. Now in my boxers and a t shirt I head to the bathroom and empty my bladder into an oddly shaped toilet. I go back to the bedroom and manage to give myself a nice goose egg on a lower part of the ceiling.

Between pain, lack of sleep, and now some minor brain damage I fall asleep in just a few minutes.

I toss and turn in my slumber dreams and nightmares visit me.

If only it were more dreams and fewer nightmares

Free fallin
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Free fallin

Heat, blistering, searing heat is all that I can feel. Why is it so damn hot? I look around but only see darkness; the warmth begins to fade as I realize why it’s so dark. I open my eyes and for a moment I think I’m still in my Humvee at the back of the convoy. Wind and dust tear at my face and nothing looks like home, but wait a second… this isn’t some back road in Iraq, this is…

“Shit.”

My brain hits overdrive as things begin to click; I’m not in Iraq, that heat must have been fire, and this wind isn’t from driving sixty miles an hour. It’s from free falling at terminal velocity. I’m not good with math but I can tell that I’m no longer accelerating; I can also tell that I have just a few seconds before I hit the ground. I know I’m falling; I know the landing will not end well, what I don’t know is where I am or how the hell I got here.

Thanks to my goggles I retain some of my vision as I plummet, I can see a small village beneath me, I can see the clouds pass me, I can hear the screams… wait what?

I had been falling belly down but now I flip to try and see what made the noise, the only things above me are oddly shaped clouds. No way was anyone up there; I must have mistaken the howling of the wind for a shriek. I spin back and hold my limbs out wide, trying desperately to slow my descent. Now I can clearly see buildings with foreign architecture and people with bright, gaudy clothing. I start to feel bad for whoever will have to clean up the mess after I land.

“Hey, what are you doing?!”

I flip once more to see who would say such a stupid thing. What I saw confused me. Now I’m a very calm man, a life full of stupid people has forced this stoicism onto me, if I wasn’t as calm as I am I'd have killed many of the idiots I know by now. This is only relevant because what was above me also broke my calm. Flying down at me was a large blue feathered bird. When I say large I mean the size of a dog, a Dalmatian for example which is much larger than any bird I’ve ever seen or heard of.

I waste a precious moment looking back at this bird (it doesn’t look much like a bird but it does have wings and I don’t know what else to call it) before logic reminds me that birds don’t talk and I return to my previous position. The ground is getting closer and I can see the people better, but they don’t look right. They look like…no that would be insane…

The thought is ripped from my mind as I see how close I am to the ground. I say a quick prayer and let loose a mighty scream, maybe this will be like a belly flop and hurt worse if I have a chest full of air. Or maybe this will be like a free fall to my death from a thousand feet and hurt no matter what. Either way there’s no stopping now, I cry out to my God just as I collide with a dirt road.

That mention of how to do a belly flop without hurting yourself, I know that little trick from experience. I remember jumping off a diving board and hitting the water stomach first, I remember the sudden pain as the air was forced out of my lungs, I remember almost drowning. Fortunately my friends, the same ones to dared me to pull the stunt, had dove in and saved me.

My friends aren’t here to save me now. I don’t think they could save me if they were.

The pain of that failed belly flop returns to me times a hundred or so as I land. I thought I would bounce, I once saw a man jump from his apartment building and bounce five feet after the initial impact, but I just lie there in pain. I feel as though every bone in my body has been shattered and every organ liquefied. I had expected to connect with the earth and black out immediately before the real pain could hit. But of course that isn’t what happens; nothing ever goes the easy way for me.

I gasp for breath to no avail, my vision is reddish, partly from the impact and partly because I lie in a pool of my own blood. I try to swallow and find where the blood originated from, I must have bitten my tongue when I fell, and part of it was in the puddle of blood. My vision now starts to fade; I can’t breathe and I’m probably bleeding badly. At least I won’t die in some Godforsaken desert. I guess a minute has passed since I landed, I can see the crowd around me but I can’t hear them. All I can hear is ringing, not like that of a church bell but like that of an annoying cell phone.

I finally am able to take a gasp of air in. I force my head up to see those around me. My confusion returns as I prop my head on an arm. With my other arm I run my hand over my side and chest, no breaks but pain everywhere. Just poking my gut is enough to force me back down and into the fetal position.

I’m still alive but I don’t think that will last very long.

With that last thought I close my eyes and drift away.

Everything makes sense now, I was in the convoy when we were ambushed, I got hurt, I was hallucinating and now I’m at the hospital on base. Soon enough a doctor will prescribe me some nice painkillers and everything will be back to normal.

I open my eyes, expecting a nurse or a doctor to be there and explain what happened. Instead I see a bag of liquids suspended in air with a tube attached to my arm, my legs in transparent tubes of blue goo and my chest bandaged tightly. I take another glance, this time around the room rather than just around myself, and I see balloons on a dresser, all my gear including my rifle and sidearm’s on a desk, and someone sitting, no lying, across from me buried in a thick book.

I must have made a noise because she looked up at me and smiled. She looked like an angel; her hair was deep purple, almost black, with streaks of lighter colors in it, her skin was light purple or violet, her smile was radiant.

The ringing in my ears persisted but I could hear her voice, soft and sweet, as she introduced herself.

“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle.”

My head fell back unto my pillow and I fell back to sleep. Surely the doctor had taken the liberty of already doping me up on painkillers.

I’m not sure what he used or how much, but I think it worked.

Shattering the 4th wall
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Shattering the 4th wall

I awake to an empty hospital room and laugh. There are no tubes around my legs and the IV drip is on an IV pole just as it should be.

“Damn doc, those drugs did the trick.’ I speak quietly to myself as I usually do but I find my statement false as I sit up and feel a tremendous jolt of pain in my chest and abdomen. I shout as I crumple back into the mattress.

I manage to prop my head up on a pillow so that I could see who was with her, on second though I’ll just go back to sleep. Standing by the doorway was Twilight Sparkle, not the human owner of her voice but her. Next to her is a white mare with a Red Cross tattoo on her hip and a nurse’s hat.

MARE, not woman, mare as in a pony. What the hell?

My jaw drops and I stare at them. Twilight, who was facing me, stops her conversation with the white mare and walks up to my bed. The white mare follows her and hands (hoofs?) me a small cup of water before leaving. My confusion must be evident because Twilight begins to speak calmly and slowly, like one would speak to a small child. Her first words bring a sense of déjà vu but as she continues to explain herself I start to calm down.

“Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle.” Her smile seems genuine and her voice is just as sweet as I remember it being. “I know you’ve been through a lot, that fall must have been rough, but I was hoping to talk with you some. You’re very strange, I’ve never seen anything like you, No one has.” She stops just long enough to bring one of the chairs in the room over to my bedside. I’m sure my jaw has dislocated by now, she didn’t walk over and grab it, she used some sort of telekinesis to move it. Her horn lit as she summoned the chair over and acted as if it were nothing out of the usual.

Had my brain been a PC the blue screen of death would have just appeared, had it been a Mac it would probably be running no worse than usual. It took a minute for me to grasp the situation.

I’m in a hospital.

I fell and nearly died.

There is a pony/unicorn thing talking to me.

She seems to be just as sentient and intelligent as most humans.

Actually she is probably smarter than half the people I know.

Her voice derails my train of thought; I look over to her as she repeats herself.

“What’s your name?”

I mumble and groan, my throat is sore and dry and I can’t speak very well. I reach for the cup of water left by the nurse and gulp it down. I hawk a bit, Twilight flinches as I do, and begin to speak. I’m stopped before I even start as Twilight questions me.

“Can you… Can you even understand me?”

I nod my head and speak, my voice is raspy and deep but she seems to hear it clearly.

“My name is Lafayette Ryder.” Her smile shrank and a look of confusion, much like the one I’ve worn since I woke up here, replaced her previous attitude.

“It doesn’t mean anything, most names where I’m from don’t. Parents just pick a name they like and stick it to their child as a way to identify them, the first name is personal and the last name is familial, the same as the father’s last name in most cases. If you prefer you can just call me Lafe.”

She looks up at me and back to her paper.

“Oh I’m sorry; I may have paraphrased a few things.”

I wave a hand dismissively. “No problem, just don’t take anything out of context. What language is that anyway?”

“Twilight?”

“Yes”

“Where, exactly, am I?”

Her expression is blank, I might have asked any sort of fascinating question but instead I ask for common knowledge.

So I was on another world and in a country ruled by a Mon… Diarchy? Hmm. I cut her rambling off with a cough and explain my origins.

“I am from the planet Earth, specifically the United States of America, which is a superpower there. We are a democracy and have elected officials rather than royalty. As for written language we use English, some other countries have their own languages both written and spoken but ours is used just about everywhere. May I see that scroll?” She passes me the parchment along with the quill. I look in awe at her powers as I grasp the items, she looks in wonder at my digits as I begin to write the alphabet and my name. “These are the symbols, we call the letters, we use in English. There are twenty six and together they can make up thousands of words.” I proceed to sound them out one by one.

Twilight looks downright gleeful as I feed her knowledge. It’s weird but I think I like her, few others share my love of learning.

She starts off about her own language and I have to stop her.

“While I would love to hear about Equestrian and I do intend on discussing it later, I would like to leave this place sooner rather than later.”

My heart breaks due to the look on her face as I interrupt her but my promise to talk later and the stuffiness of the small room are enough to persuade her. Within twenty minutes I am cleared to leave the hospital. If it were not for my acting, or lying, skills and my high tolerance for pain I doubt they ever would have let me go so soon. I have to reassure both a doctor and a nurse that I feel fine while gritting my teeth to ignore the pain throughout my body. I may have survived the fall without any breaks but I’m bruised all to hell, fortunately most of it is under my clothes and out of sight.

I dress myself in the BDU I was wearing when I got here, equip all my gear, shoulder my back pack and sling my rifle over my neck. As we leave I see Twilight eyeing it suspiciously.

“Don’t worry.” I assure her. “All my weapons are either sheathed or on safety, they won’t go off unless I use them and I wouldn’t even consider doing that except in an emergency.”

While my words do calm her down some she still looks uneasy.

“What kind of weapons are they? The royal guards only carry spears. I’ve never seen anything like that.”

I have to duck again as we leave, the doors here obviously aren’t built for humans and at six foot five I could even hit my head on doorways back home. I would need to remember that or else I’d end up with more concussions than a prize fighter. We walk down a dirt road to town and I tell her about my firearms.

“I’m glad you haven’t seen anything like it, while it can be used for protection there are too many people who use them for violence. The people like that are what people like me use these guns for protection against.” The look in her eyes told me that such violence was unheard of around here, that’s just fine with me. “If you were wondering why I have them it’s because I’m a marine.” Seeing how she was unfamiliar with the term I expounded. “The U.S. Marine corps is a branch of the military, much like the royal guards, except that instead of protecting royalty we protect the entire country. In times of war the Marines, along with the Army, Navy, and Air Force fight to ensure the safety and freedom of America.” Twilight seemed to recognize these terms but still turns to question me as we walk.

“Air Force? So your kind has Pegasi as well?”

“No we have planes.” I stop as she does and we look at each other. Her confusion is parallel to mine.

“We’ll discuss it more later, how about that?” with a nod of agreement from Twilight we both continue on our way to the town.

When we close in on the town, only a few blocks away, a question pops into my head.

“What’s this place called anyway?”

“Ponyville.”

I stop and chuckle. That chuckle soon becomes an outburst of side splitting laughter which actually begins to hurt my sides so bad I have to stop. Twilight is beyond confused so I try to tell her that it would be like a town called Humansville but she doesn’t get it and I just start giggling again. Remember me saying I’m a Marine? That was true but I’m not some Drill Sergeant type who is super serious. I am the type who would kick your ass, giggle about it, and then help you up.

I give up my explanation as we enter town. What I had assumed were people during my free fall, I now see are actually just more ponies. Lots of multicolored ponies, hair one or two colors and fur another. I also find that every one of the ponies has a tattoo on their hips. I myself have a few so I didn’t think that in itself was strange but the things the tattoos depicted were odd. Flowers and dolphins seem familiar but fruit, time pieces, and random symbols were not. I look back to twilight’s hip and see a large star surrounded by several others. She sees where I’m looking and blushes heavily. Realizing that I must have slipped up I look her in the eye and apologize.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend but I was wondering why everyone has tattoos on their hips.”

All traces of the blush disappear from Twilight’s face as she jumps into a lecture about ‘Cutie Marks’.

“Yes.”

“Can you see her Cutie mark?”

“Yes.”

“Well…”

“Oh, uh three balloons… is she a clown?” I laugh as Twilight face palms…face hooves? I turn around to see the energetic pink mare eye level with me, a smile as wide as a mile was glued to her face and…wait a second, how the hell is she eye level with me? These ponies are only four foot tall or so. I look down and see her legs suspended in air, for a second I think of the magic Twilight uses or the wings of the Pegasi but a glance at her head and then shoulders proves he lack of either attribute.

This pony is hovering in mid air and looking at me expectantly.

“Hi?” I venture.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you Brendon, I haven’t seen you in ages, well not ages, but years, and you’ve grown so much, and oh cool outfit, remember that party freshman year, wow that was awesome, I got so wasted and then you and I went back to your dorm room and then we played video games and then we smoked some reefer, oh I still have your iPod that you let me borrow only now I can’t use it because of the hooves, oh but the best part of the night was when we got in the Jacuzzi and…..”

Fearing both how the sentence would end and that she would run out of air soon I clamp a hand around her muzzle and shush her.

“…Fucked!” She whispers.

“What?!” Twilight and I both shout at once. Twilight turns to me with a very angry look on her face and demands an explanation, before I can start the pink mare barrels into a long story. The just of it was-

“Diana Pier!”

“You do remember me!” She began to dance and hop around me as Twilight finally makes sense of what is happening.

“So you went to earth, right Pinkie Pie.” Twilight points at the pink mare whose real name was apparently Pinkie pie. “And you did WHAT with her at a party?” she now points an accusing hoof at me.

“Actually it was somewhat my fault because I kind of, sort of, maybe hit on him, grabbed his butt, oh and I also told him that if he wanted I would suck on his…”

“PINKIE!” Again we both shout in order to silence her blathering. Twilight follows the shout with a very embarrassed apology to me and an affirmation to Pinkie that she doesn’t want to hear anymore about the trip to Earth or what Pinkie and I did here.

Between pain, lack of sleep, and now some minor brain damage I fall asleep in just a few minutes.

I toss and turn in my slumber dreams and nightmares visit me.

If only it were more dreams and fewer nightmares

Coltcuddling and apple 'bucking'
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Coltcuddling and apple 'bucking'

The party Pinkie threw for me was four days after I landed here, the next three days of that week went by quickly and without any accidents or happenings worth mentioning. That brings me to yesterday, the first day of Apple buck season.

Turns out that the Apple family took my offer to help out seriously, so here I am at Sweet Apple Acres, bucking apples off of trees. I can’t blame them for asking for my help, twenty acres for two ponies to buck in just a few weeks is a hell of a task, I know how tight money can be and I’m always willing to help a friend out… but damn is it hot.

I had thought Iraq was bad; the temperature here in the summer can hit a hundred and fucking fifty degrees Fahrenheit. That was my biggest worry about the job, hard work and long hours aren’t all that bad but heat like that will kill a guy like me.

No shit, at temperatures past one forty Fahrenheit the human body will lose more water than it could possible replenish, in just an hour or two you would completely dehydrate and die. Fortunately once I told Twilight these concerns she found a spell that will prevent such a grueling fate. Her spell thickened my skin, it feels leathery and weird now but I can stay out in heat up to two hundred degrees without dehydrating or even losing water now. I don’t even sweat during normal activities, yes I know that for a normal human that would mark the onset of heat stroke but Twilight assured me that I would be just fine.

The only real problem is that apple bucking isn’t a normal activity, not for humans anyway. Big Mac and Applejack both can ‘buck’ trees with their back legs and coerce the apples to detach from their branches. I cannot. I know this for a fact because I tried, multiple times and in every conceivable way, and failed miserable. After watching how Big Mac did it I got an idea.

Twilight was at the farm with us, she’s the Apple’s personal accountant and lawyer (Damn; librarian, scientist, accountant, and lawyer. Is there anything Twilight can’t do?), and was inside with Granny Smith discussing profit margins. I told her my idea and drew a picture of what I wanted. Being awesome, like she is, Twilight managed to make it even better than I had hoped for.

So that leads up to today, the second day of apple buck season and my first day actually working. Applejack has a section of trees nearest the house to clear, Big Mac and I have the rest to buck.

I shoulder my new toy (Oh, how I love my toys!) and pull a cart behind me. Mac slides his harness on and pulls a train of three carts behind him. Together we walk all the way to the farthest edges of the Apples’ property, we will work our way in from the edge and Applejack will work her way out from the innermost part, if all goes according to plan we’ll be done in less than two weeks.

Apple bucking is easy; there are only three real rules (According to Granny Smith who took an hour of my time yesterday to explain it.)

1. Buck the tree squarely in the middle of the trunk.

2. Place the carts, or baskets, underneath the branches of the tree in order to catch the falling apples.

And #3. Don’t lose any of the apples and don’t eat any of the apples.

Easy peasy, lemon piss.

Between Mac’s femurs of steel (Totally legit here, according to Twilight the bones in an earth ponies body are as hard as steel but only twice as heavy, for guys, and one and a half times as heavy, for mares, than a unicorn. Pegasi bones are thin and hollow so they are a lot lighter.) And my brand new sledgehammer (Made of steel and resembles a war hammer, I call him Jeff.) we think we can clear an acre a day at the very least.

It’s a good walk to the edge of the orchard and awkward silence is awkward so I decide to chat with Mac for a bit.

“So how long have you been doing this?”

“Hmm?” Mac looks at me thoughtfully and chews on his stalk of wheat. (Actually he has a wad of tobacco in his cheek and the wheat is just a cover, that way his sisters and granny don’t notice and nag at him for it. I had noticed him take a dip earlier and had promised to keep quit in return for a dip myself and some of this ‘appleshine’ of his I’ve heard about.) “Well this year’ll be my fifty second harvest, that I’ve actually bucked in mind you, but it’s my sixtieth year living here on the farm.”

I don’t stop but I do slow down. Sixty years, that can’t be right. If he had told me that Granny Smith was sixty I might have believed him but he looked in his mid twenties, early thirties at latest.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you sisters?”

Mac chews his snuff again and takes his time to answer.

“Oh, Applejack’s turnin’ thirty four this year an’ Applebloom’ll be nineteen next month.”

Damn, and here I thought that I was older than my friends, hell I’m five years younger the Applejack.

“How old is Granny Smith then? I don’t mean to be nosy but this is interesting.” Mac looks as if he’s about to ask what is interesting but he doesn’t. He just strolls along next to me and chews slowly.

“Granny’ll be two hundred and forty three years old next December, that is if she makes it ’til then.”

I nod my head; I guess ponies just have longer life spans here.

“Why do ya ask?”

“Well its odd is all. I’m Twenty eight.” Mac turns and eyes me, it’s obvious that he doesn’t believe me. “No, I’m for real. Here, look at my ID.” I toss Jeff into my cart and pull out my wallet and from it my military id.

“Lafayette Ryder, six foot six, three hundred pounds, twenty eight years of age. Do you believe me now?” Mac nods with a surprised look on his face. I put my wallet and ID away and resume pulling my cart.

“Here I thought you were pulling my leg and you turn out to be honest, hell you’re just a youngin. You’re not even old enough to drink or buck.” I’m about to correct him when I notice his last word.

“Wait what? I thought that’s what we were gonna do.” Mac’s confusion is apparent. “I thought that you and I were going out to the edge of the orchid to buck together, that what your sister and granny told me we were gonna be doing.” Confusion turns to rage and Big Mac stops walking in order to yell at me.

“JUST WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU SAYIN? AIN’T NO WAY SIS NOR GRANNY TOLD YOU THAT! WHAT KINDA STALLION YOU THINK I AM?”

“Sheesh Mac, I don’t think they heard you all the way back in PONYVILLE!”

“Well I’m sorry for shoutin’ but just where do you get off sayin’ such things? I know the rumors going around about me and their all horseshit! My barn door don’t swing that way. And you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking for one moment that I’d buck an ugly hairless ape like yourself!”

“What?”

“Don’t you ‘what’ me! You know damn well what I’m saying!”

“Big Mac, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Uhh, what are you talking about?”

“Bucking trees together. For apple BUCK season.”

“Oh, oh shit.”

“Yeah ‘Oh shit’ is right. Now what the hell were you talking about?”

“Nothing, apple bucking, nothing else at all.” with speed I hadn’t expected Big Mac pulls away, three carts in tow, and trots off towards the edge of the grove.

“Ah hell naw! You aint getting out of this one so easily Big Macintosh!” Pulling my cart (And Jeff) behind me I speed to a jog to catch up with Big Mac. I do catch up to Mac but he doesn’t stop or even slow. For the next ten minutes we both run, both pulling about a hundred and fifty pounds with us, until we reach the area where we are to start bucking. Trees that is.

Mac finally stops and I tackle him, no way is he getting out of this. You may remember that I was a varsity heavyweight, one thing I was particularly proficient at was pinning someone down. In just a few seconds I have my legs wrapped tightly around Mac’s torso and have his front hooves pinned to his sides. (It’s not gay unless balls touch and I’m wearing pants, so there.)

“Let go of me ya hear! Get offa me you faggot!” Big Mac kicks as hard as he can but I don’t budge.

“I won’t let you up until you tell me what the hell is going on.” Mac just struggles harder. “I can sit here all day without a problem, you on the other hand lose precious time to buck apples with every minute you refuse to tell me what’s up. So talk dammit!”

“Fine I’ll talk, but will you at least let me up first.”

“If I let you up do you promise to talk?”

“Yes, yes. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“Wut?”

“Just let me up dammit!”

I unhook my legs and help Mac to his feet.

“I’ll tell you, but let’s at least get going, we’ve wasted enough time as it is.”

“OK then.” I pick up Jeff and place my cart beneath a tree. With a good solid swing I knock half of the apples down. “So what the hell where you talking about earlier anyway.”

Big Mac has his carts positioned and starts bucking trees; with a single kick he removes every apple from its perch. I guess I’ll have to step my game up if I want to compete with him. On my next swing I clear my tree.

“Bucking can mean kicking trees. It can also mean, forgive my language, rutting.”

“So bucking and fucking mean the same thing?” I move to the next tree and drop three fourths of its fruit in one hit.

“Yea, but very few ponies are inclined to use such…vulgar words. Bucking means the same thing but less crude, you still wouldn’t say it in front of ladies or foals or your granny.” Current score: Big Mac seven trees, me three. Dammit.

“OK, so why did you get so twisted back there?” Woohoo, every apple on the tree in one… dammit there’s still more.

“You said that we would be ‘bucking together’ and I took it the wrong way. I’m sorry. It’s just that ever since…ever since Cheerilee said what she said I’ve been real touchy ’bout the subject.” If I remember correctly Cheerilee was the teacher I terrified.

“Bucking?” Mac- twelve, me- six.

“Er, yeah. Specifically with another stallion or in your case a guy.”

“A bit homophobic I see.” Fifteen to eight, carts half full.

“No, just touchy.”

“Ah, so you got caught?” Seventeen to eleven. “Don’t worry about it bro, it happens to the best of us.” Twenty to fifteen.

“What’s that now?”

“It happens to the best of us, getting caught that is, I’ve been caught and so have a few of my friends.” Twenty two to nineteen, I’m finally getting the swing of this. Heheh, I didn’t mean that to be a pun but it was.

“Getting caught cheating?”

“My friends yes, me no. I’ve never cheated on anyone.” Twenty five to twenty two.

“So you got caught with…”

“Another guy, yep. Wanna hear the story?”

“Uh, sure. Why the hell not.”

“It was a while ago, back when I first joined the Marines and was on my first tour of duty in Iraq. My squad had weekend leave so we went into a nearby town. Specifically we went into a bar in a nearby town.” Mac nods and bucks another tree, thirty to twenty eight. “Well my C.O. decided to get his noobies plastered. Now I can hold my alcohol better than most, just not when I mix it up. Give me anything straight and I'll drink you under the table, mix my drinks and I don’t spew or pass out or anything, I just get…horny. So my C.O. starts giving me shots; rum, whisky, vodka, tequila, and a bunch of other shit. Well after about twenty shots I was shit faced and making googly eyes at someone across the bar. My C.O. being the wonderful guy he was told me to go make my move, so I did. I went to get a name and number and instead I get taken up into an apartment above the bar.” Mac takes a rest and I slam Jeff into another tree, thirty six to thirty six, I may win this yet. “So we start going at it and sure enough just a few minutes in my squad mates’ bust down the door, my C.O. in front with a camera saying ‘cheese’, what a smug son of a bitch he was. Well they had assumed that I had picked some fugly broad to bang, they hadn’t seen who I went up with, they just saw me leave. I had actually picked some fugly dude.” At this I see the wheat fall from Big Mac’s lips. Also thirty six to forty three. “So somewhere back on earth there is a picture of me balls deep in some bearded fuck from the Middle East. My squad mates never did let me live that down despite the massive amount of booze in my system at the time. So what happened with you?”

Big Mac gulps and spills his guts. “Cheerilee and I had gotten into a big fight and a friend of mine came over to comfort me. Part of his, uh, comfort was bucking me in the barn. Evidently somepony saw us leave together and told Cheerilee, the next day she called me a coltcuddler in front of my family and dumped me. I’ve been touchy about it ever since. But hearing your story kinda…” He drops off so I finish for him.

“Kinda blows your piddly ass problems out of the water?”

“Yeah.”

The carts are full, I think I won, and I’m tired and hungry.

“How bout we take these back and call it a day, we planned on bucking thirty trees and we bucked over eighty of them, and then we can get a drink and chill. If memory serves you still owe me some ‘appleshine’ for keeping quit about the snuff.”

“Yeah, that sounds fine, and I'll get you your booze.” We load up the carts and set off for the house.

“Hey Lafe?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you mind not telling anyone about our talk today, I don’t think anyone needs to know about us being… you know.”

“Gay?”

“Eeyep.”

“What the hell Mac? I’m not gay.”

"Huh? But you just told me ’bout some feller you fuc...”

“I’m not gay, I’m bi. I swing both ways, either when the guy’s particularly good looking or when I’m particularly drunk.”

“Ah, wait, that’s a thing?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh hell, I thought that you were either straight or gay, not both. That makes me feel much better.”

“Glad to be of assistance. And, by the way, I’m still pissed off about that ‘ugly hairless ape’ comment.” I look over at Mac, fury in my eyes. To my delight he actually seems scared.

“I’ll have you know, I’m not bald, I just shave my head.”

He stares at me.

I stare at him.

We both laugh like the damn fools we are and walk on towards the homestead where food and booze await us.

All in all, it’s been a good day.

Author's comment: If you didn't get the reference, Lafe's new toy is named after my favourite pasty faced serial killer, with good reason too, but that won't happen for a bit. That is unless somepony pisses Lafe off really bad.

Now with 20% more fan art!!! I'm a fan of my own work so yes it does count. Now shut up and gaze in awe at Jeff!

Meet the family
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Meet the family

Last night was the end of Twilights heat; it was also one of the craziest nights of my life. It takes me ten minutes to undo the ropes tying me to the bed and another five to get a pair of latex hooves and some maroon socks off of me. Don’t ask where they came from cause I have no fucking clue. My ass is sore again, this is happening way too often, and I find the cause of my rectal discomfort as I get out of bed; a two times life size strap on… appendage, that Twilight had way too much fun using. I yawn and head downstairs in my boxers.

I find my new marefriend cooking waffles for me and humming a familiar tune as she works the iron. I rub her back and kiss her cheek before sitting down in a new, hand built chair. It wobbles and is about as comfortable as a subway station bench but I made it myself and it holds my fat ass so I like it. Twilight joins me and we eat.

“How are you doing now that you’re out of heat?”

“Oh, as well as I could be I guess, I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for a couple weeks after last night though, it kind of spent my energy if you know what I mean.”

“Yep, my ass is still sore too. By the way, where the hell did all of those accessories come from?”

“Oh, I have a book that has summoning spells for such things. I didn’t go overboard did i?”

“Twilight, honey, you ran right over the side and dived in head first. S’ok though, I enjoyed it. Except for the fake hooves, that was kinda weird.”

Twilight blushes and giggles a bit. I’ve come to love that sound.

“Anyway I also wanted to ask; did all the mares in Ponyville go through this month?”

“Yes.”

“So that’s why the foals went to Applalowhateverthefuckitwascalled?”

“Appaloosa and yes.”

“Bufu fucking Egypt, I don’t care. So is Everypony done bucking their brains out yet?”

“Yep, in fact Rarity invited all of us over to Cul Anes for lunch since we haven’t seen each other for three weeks.”

“We gonna tell ’em there?”

“If you want to.”

“Cool, one more thing; I didn’t mind the strap on but for the love of God summon some lube for me next time. Mmmkay?”

“Ok.” Twilight chuckles and we finish our breakfast.

An hour and a half later we meet Everypony at Cul Anes. Toby has the day off so he’s dining with us rather than cooking for us. We get a huge table and Everypony sits down in pairs.

Twilight and I.

Rarity and Toby.

Fluttershy and Big Mac.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack. ‘Wut? This’ll be interesting.’

And finally Pinkie Pie and a tan stallion with a donut for a Mark.

We place our orders and Rarity offers a toast.

“Well the last three weeks have certainly been exciting, I do hope that Everypony had I good time, I know I did,” She winks at Toby who smiles shamelessly. “And will tell us all about it. Cheers!”

We raise our glasses and repeat.

Pinkie hops up and takes the first turn talking. I won’t repeat everything she says because 99% of it is either bullshit, completely irrelevant or incredibly vivid details of her new coltfriend. The only real important part is this.

“So then I jumped out of the cake and met Donut Joe. Oh one more thing!” Pinkie waves her hoof around to show off a gold bracelet. “HE PROPOSED!!!!!”

We clap and cheer and order champagne. After everyone calms down the next couple starts.

Fluttershy and Mac confirm their new relationship. I notice the odd looks traded back and forth by Mac and Joe and can easily guess the reason behind them.

Rarity and Toby talk for a few minutes and announce their plans to move in together.

Applejack and Dash come out to a round of applause and support.

And that leaves Twilight and I with everyone staring at us.

“Well,” I start. I stop as the door opens up and Twilight shouts.

“BBBFF!!”

BBBFF, whoever he is shouts back. “Twily!”

I look to Twilight for an explanation. “That’s my Big Brother Best Friend Forever Shining Armor, and my new sister too!” I turn back to see a light pink winged horned pony standing next to Shining Armor. I didn’t know that ponies could have both of those. “That’s princess Cadence, Shining’s wife.” Twilight says.

Shining and Cadance walk over and hug Twilight. Shining holds his hoof out to me and I shake it. “So you’re the ‘human’ I’ve heard so much about. It works out perfectly that you’re here, princess Celestia sent me to speak to you.”

“Pleasure to meet you Shining.” I reply.

Shining looks around the table at the obvious couples and back to Twilight and I. “Why are you here? I’m sure this dinner is just for couples.” He frowns. “Twily, what’s he doing here?”

“Well we were just about to get to that when you walked in BBBFF.” Twilight looks around the table, smiles, and points to me. “Everypony, I’d like you to meet my new boyfriend!”

Shit.

I wave pathetically and turn to Shining just in time to take a punch to the face.

When I wake up I learn the Shining is the captain of the royal Canterlot guards and a boxer as well. I kinda figured the second one out on my own.

Big Mac and Donut Joe help me to sit up; Twilight stands next to me in tears. My nose is broken so I grip it and put it back in place. It works but causes even more blood to flow out. Damn, I just ruined a good pair of clothes.

“Damn nice right hook you got there Shining. I haven’t been knocked out like that since high school.”

“I’m very sorry for punching you, I was out of line. But nopony, no human either, messes with my baby sis!”

“Shining,” Twilight chokes out in between sobs. “He wasn’t messing with me, I was the one who started it, I asked him out before Spring started.” She lies. “And then chose him to be my partner. Please don’t be upset with Lafe, I’m the one who got him into this.”

Shining looks at me. “Is this true?”

“Nope, she’s lying to cover my ass, she tried to jump me on the first night of Spring and I went along. I really do care for her though. So if you beat the ever loving shit out of me right now I won’t be mad, after all I’ve spent the last month bangin’ your sister, but I hope you won’t get mad at Twilight or try and break us up. That would be unfair to her.” I’m met with a solid punch to the gut as I finish.

“GODDAMMIT!” I gasp and roll into the fetal position; I think he just reorganized my internal organs.

“There, now we’re even, at least you're honest. Can you forgive me for overreacting sis?”

Twilight is speechless.

I sit back up and then stand.

“What about me? Can I keep dating Twilight?”

“Yeah, but you had better be good to her.” He offers his hoof to me again and I fist bump him.

“Thanks, you’re a cool guy bro, pack a mean punch to.”

“You’re welcome, and never call me ‘bro’ again though or I’ll break your spine.”

“Noted.”

Shining hugs Twilight and then pulls a scroll from his saddle bag.

“I have instructions to bring you to princesses Celestia and Luna immediately, Twily you can come to.”

“I need to change first; I’d rather not appear before royalty covered in my own blood.” Shining cringes but I just laugh. Rarity is kind enough to use a spell to instantly clean my clothes. “Mustn’t keep the princesses waiting now darling.” I thank her and turn back to Shining. Cadance, and Twilight.

“Let’s go, I’ll drive.”

Homecoming king (Act II)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Homecoming king (Act II)

Warning: strong violence, gore and murder.
Written for Cortex repository- Sixteen, the binary scourge. I read your comment at four thirty in the morning and realized "I need to write this!" So this is for you Sixteen, and for everyone who reads and enjoys this.

I scream.

I open my mouth and let all my fury, lust, hate, fear, and passion out in one long outburst.

I feel heat wash over me and see my flesh glow green and then brown, every one of my scars opens up again and the light shines out. I smile and laugh at the pain as the light burns my body. I can feel it, the magic. Thank you Celly, you’ve given me quite the present!

I look down at my left arm; my hand is translucent and glowing again. I think of my M16 and it appears, I think of some body armor and Jeff, they appear on the ground beneath me along with my rifle.

I smile, I scream, the pain, the pleasure, I’m going home, I’m going to war, back to the mare I’ve come to love, back to fight the one that would kill me.

‘What do you say we do first Jeff; find Twilight or skullfuck Celly up the ass until she bleeds to death?’ I still can’t hear my words but I know he can.

‘…’

‘Really? Oh well, you know best, let’s get going, I’m sure Twilight won’t mind if we keep her waiting just a bit longer.’

I clench my fist and stagger slightly as the magic I’ve leached from Tia flows through my veins, I’m sure that if I slit my wrists at the moment rainbows, not blood, would gush out.

I think of Canterlot castle and another wave of pain crashes down onto me, I grimace and my eyes roll back into my head. A void surrounds me and I feel suction from every direction, it’s like I’m a bust bunny in a vacuum, just about to be torn apart, and then it stops just as suddenly as if someone flicked a switch. I look up and see the front gates of the castle, I see the startled guards man their stations and call for backup, I see the alabaster outline of her fat royal ass in the garden.

I scream once more.

With my left hand held to my throat I amplify my voice and modify my lung capacity to the max. I let loose a shriek to shame a banshee, with volume enough to shatter glass, bust eardrums, and drown out any rock band. The guards drop their spears and cower while holding hooves over their ears, the gates rattle, the stained glass window (Replaced since my departure) shake and threaten to break again. But none of these things matter, all that matters is that she hears me, that she heeds my call and confronts me.

She does.

The white, winged bitch of the sun flies from her spot in the garden near Discord and drops to the ground in front of me.

I scream.

Immortal and godlike she may be but she does have faults, her sensitive hearing proves to be among the list, a very long list I’m sure.

I read her lips as she orders and then begs me to stop.

I scream louder.

Her horn glows as she prepares a spell to force my shouting to cease. My hand and body glow as she casts the spell. Nothing happens. I lessen my yelling and begin to laugh, I begin to cry,

“Thank you Celestia! You tried to kill me, you took me from the ones I love, and you sent me to the MOTHER FUCKING MOON! But you also gave me the power to return, and the power to KILL YOU!”

“What?!? This can’t be!” Celestia stutters as I walk towards her.

“You better bet it can be, because it is.” I smile and force my mind into hers. There’s some resistance at first, more than I had anticipated but nothing I couldn’t swat away like a fly, I push past her mental barriers and scream directly into her mind, she shutters and nearly falls. I split my own mind into two and used one half to snoop around her mind while the other half kept on screaming. Her conscious is still there but isn’t fighting me now; no it’s just huddled in a dark corner of her mind trying to hide…

“Celly, Celly, Celly. For shame, Celly, a princess should not harbor such sick fantasies as you, and about your own student, your own sister, your own half brother! My, oh my, whatever shall we do with you…?”

Celestia’s right eye twitches wildly and I laugh again from my physical body while half of my mind raises its pitch to earsplitting levels within a particularly twisted mind, a mind almost as fucked up as my own.

Almost.

“Hmm, Trollestia, Tyrant Celestia, Molestia, Soulless Sun, hell you could get in the carpool lane with all these personalities. But I think I can help you out a bit.”

I smile, Celestia screams.

Within her mind I tear down the boundaries that held back all of her lees pleasant selves, I rearrange her thoughts and toy with her emotions, I essentially rape her mind.

Heh, I didn’t even bother using lube.

I walk over to her, she trembles and moves only her eyes to watch me, I shove her hard, she falls to the ground with a solid thump from her large frame and a nasty crack from her outstretched wing colliding with the cobblestone path and snapping.

“Fell better? I know I do.”

I nudge her in the ribs with my foot, she doesn’t move. I kick her and she still doesn’t even acknowledge my existence.

“This,” I say along with another kick to the ribs. “Is for trying to kill me!”

I spit on the ground near her face and kick again.

“This is for tearing off my goddamn hand!”

I kick her chest. “For all the cuts,” Her shoulder. “All the bruises,” Her neck. “All the pain,” Her face, blood drips from her muzzle as I kick her a second and then a third time. “This is for taking me from my friends,” I step on her front leg and press down, snapping the bone above her elbow. She screams. Finally, she’s awake again, now I can really start. “This is for sending me to the FUCKING MOON,” I slam my foot down onto her side, cracking several ribs and breaking several more. She gasps and coughs up blood “This is for trying to send me back,” I bring my foot down at the bass of her uninjured wing, tearing it from its socket and eliciting the most blood curdling scream from her yet.

“And this, this is for taking me away from Twilight!” I curb stomp her head. Again and again I smash my boot into her face until all I can see is a blood stained skull.

“Please,” She whispers to me thinking that I might take pity on her now. “Please don’t kill me; I only did what I thought necessary for my little ponies.”

“Yeah, well I’m just doing what’s necessary for them too, if they knew of half the fucked up shit in your head they’d be right beside me bashing your brains in.”

“Lafayette,” She croaks.

“What bitch?”

“I’m sorry, I truly, truly am sorry for what I did.”

“You’re not sorry for what you did to me, you’re sorry I managed to break out and find your ass.”

“Damn, I never was a good liar.”

“No shit.”

I raise my foot and start to deliver the final blow but a voice stops me. An angelic voice that reminds me of wind in a meadow and lavender in the spring. I set my foot down right next to Celestia’s bloodied face and turn to see Twilight.

“Twilight! I’m back!”

I start to run towards her but she puts a magical shield between us.

“What’s wrong, why are you doing this to me Twi?”

“You’re killing Celestia!”

“She deserves it, she tried to kill me, and she sent me to the moon goddammit!”

“That doesn’t make it right for you to kill her, the man I love wouldn’t do that.”

“Well, maybe I’m not that man!”

“Fine! If you’re not the Lafayette that I lost ten months ago then I don’t love you, now step away from Celestia or ill make you!”

Ten months, that can’t be right; I was only gone for a week, two at tops. Wasn’t I?

“Like you could…” A heavy blast of purple magic knocks me off of my feet and onto the ground behind Celestia.

“DUMB BITCH!”

I charge Twilight and shatter her force field with a single punch. I see the look of terror in her eyes as I close on her, I see her tears as I pick her up by the nape of her neck and slam her into the ground, I hear her last words as I choke the life out of her.

“I…I love you baby.”

I cry as Twilight breathes her last.

“YOU!” I drop Twilights body and spin on a heel. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!” I scream at Celestia as she tries to stand. “IF YOU HAD JUST LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE I'D BE ALRIGHT, TWILIGHT WOULD BE ALRIGHT, AND YOU…you’d live through the night.

I close the distance between the Princess of the day, the new queen of the changelings, the one person, pony or otherwise, nearly as fucked up in the head as I am, and I kick her squarely in the jaw, snapping her head back and breaking her spine in at least five places.

I look at the two bodies that lie on the ground, I look at the horrified guards, I look at my bloody hands.

I scream.

I collapse to the ground, screaming and crying and wishing I hadn’t done the things I just did. I pull Jeff from my shoulder and look at him.

“Why Jeff, why would you tell me to do that? Why?”

I throw Jeff as hard as I can, I don’t even see where he lands, and I don’t even care.

I drag myself over to Twilight and curl up next to her body.

“I’m sorry Twilight, I’m so sorry. I fucked up! I’m so sorry.”

I hold her limp, lifeless body and alternate between screaming mindlessly and weeping profusely.

Rain begins to fall but I don’t notice, the sun raises shakily, as if it had tourettes and Parkinson’s, Luna must be horribly distraught by what I've done yet she still bothers to finish her sisters work, I don’t even care.

I lay there and sob and scream until finally my eyes cease to see, my ears fail me, and my heart folds in upon itself. I sleep soundly.

I hope I never wake up.

A bright light shines in my face and I slowly look up. I’m not by the gates of Canterlot castle, the bodies of Twilight and Celestia are nowhere near me, and I’m still on the moon.

‘It was all a dream… a terrible, horrible dream.’

I look at my body, I’m decked out in a set of blue and gold armor, Jeff rests heavily on my shoulder.

‘Fuck you Jeff, fuck you.’

I grab his handle and swing wildly for a moment before releasing him and watching him drift lazily to the dark side of the moon.

‘Good riddance to bad rubbage.’

I look at Equestria, at my glowing left hand, I think about the second life bestowed upon me by God, the powers granted to me by a demigoddess, and the love given to me by an angel.

‘I swear I will never waste these gifts, I will never use them for harm, and I will cherish them every day.’ I look at Equestria and smile softly. ‘I’m coming home Twilight, I’m coming home.’

I blink my eyes and find that I am not on the moon, neither am I at the front gates of Canterlot castle, instead I find myself right where I should be.

Home.

The all seeing E.I.E
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The all seeing E.I.E

The all seeing E.I.E

“Fuck me.” I groan as the black ShadowBolt approaches. “No, you know what? Fuck you.” I snap my fingers and move the entire truck and everyone in it.

/\/\/\

Celestia sits on her throne listening to her council of advisers and her sister as they debate the best plan of action now that war had been declared against the Griffins.

‘Oh dear lord.’ She thinks unhappily. ‘Almost a thousand years of peace and now this! What to do, what to do? We don’t even have a standing military besides the Guards and none of them have ever even been in real combat. Hades, besides my siblings and I nopony in the land has ever really fought. Wait, nopony, nopony! That’s it!’ Celestia’s train of thought is derailed by her sister’s voice which has fully relapsed into Royal Canterlot speech. Dealing with everything else was bad enough but the outdated way of speaking truly ate away at her nerves. The princess of the sun takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. The repeated shouting in the olden tongue quickly spoils this attempt.

“Sister! Dost thou heareth mine words?”

“Forgive me Luna, my mind was elsewhere. What is it you said?”

“Mine words were these; what dost thou believe shout be done?”

Celestia rubs her temples with a free hoof and ponders the question, she had an answer just a moment ago but her sister’s yelling had scared it away, now it is lurking somewhere in the deepest, darkest, Mmm kinkiest recesses of her admittedly disturbed mind. ‘Something about nopony or was it about no one? No!’ She remembered. ‘Instead of nopony it was ‘someone’ and she knows just who that someone is.’

“Luna,” the Alicorn begins her address. “Council, I have a rather brilliant plan in store that will insure the swift, decisive victory we desire. Most importantly this will also prevent our militia from ever having to step into combat or losing even a single pony.”

“What do we need?” asks one of the council advisors.

“We need…SHIT!”

“Shit?” various council members repeat curiously. “I don’t see how that will help us out.” one says. Crashing sounds from above make everypony in the hall look up.

“SHIT!” They all agree with their princess.

\/\/\/

“SHIT!” we all yell as the truck pops into existence just above the roof to the throne room of the castle. We swear again as we fall down and through the ceiling. I stop us just before we land on a group of ponies.

“Sorry ’bout that,” I shout to them. “I’m still getting used to this whole magic thing.” I teleport the truck back outside and slowly drop down to the floor in front of Celly, Twi, Shining, And Cadance all float down on their own accord and land next to me.

“Heh,” I chuckle as I look at the destruction I caused. “Lemme just fix that up.” I point my hand at the gaping hole my truck left and force the lost pieces to rejoin the ceiling until it is whole once more. “That’s better.” I say as I turn to a very pissed off black ShadowBolt and find a spear at my throat.

“Hooves on your head and drop to your now or I’ll skewer you where you stand.” He looks serious. I glance over to see Twi and her siblings cowering under the weapons of more ShadowBolts, Shining looks fucking furious. I peak over to my left and see a shocked Celestia and a very pissed off Luna.

“Guards! What is the meaning of this?! I order you all to stand down now!” At least her damn accent dropped.

“Your majesty,” the black guard in front of me says. “We don’t take orders from you anymore.” He jabs my shoulder with the spear, eliciting a small trickle of blood, and looks over to my right at Cadance. “Mistress, what shall we do with the traitor?”

Mistress? Cadance? What the fuck?

“You…you…YOU,” she screams as she knocks back the soldier near her, the one I thought to be arresting her, and turns to the black stallion. “YOU STUPID FUCKING IMBECILE! Blueblood was the traitor, not Lafe. Just what in the hell are you doing? How in God’s name did you mistake ‘Prince bloody Blueblood’ for Lafayette the human’?” she’s panting and her horn is aglow. “You’ve messed up ALL of my plans, and now you’ve let my idiot brother get away!” she points at the open door where the pony in question must have fled through. The guard before me drops his spear and stutters.

“Mistress, please forgive me, the written orders clearly stated…”

“They clearly stated,” Interrupts Cadance. ‘That you fucked up royally! Now go chase that bastard down and bring him back to me. All of you. GO. NOW!” The guard that had been detaining me bows and flies out the door and the other ShadowBolts follow him.

“What the hay did I just miss?” Discord asks, looking back at the soaring Pegasi, as he walks through the door they just exited through.

“I have no idea.” Celestia states blankly as she trots over to him.

“Neither do I.” Luna says defensively as the chaos god looks to her.

“Not a fucking clue.” I shrug as he looks to me.

“Ugh,” Cadance groans loudly. “I can explain, but first I want everypony not related to me to bugger off.”

Almost everyone in the hall leaves.

“So sis,” I say as the last of the bureaucrats skedaddles the fuck away. “Just what the flying fuck happened back there?”

“Yes, please inform us.” Luna says angrily. “As to why my personal guards are now taking orders from you.”

“And why prince is Blueblood a traitor?” Celly asks.

“How about this one,” Discord offers. “What’s the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

“African or European?” I ask him, he shrugs.

“ENOUGH!” Shining armor shouts over us all. “How about everypony just SHUT THE HAY UP and you,” he points at his wife. “Tell us, from start to end, just what the buck is going on here!”

Everyone settles down and Cadance starts talking.

“A few years ago aunt Celly,” Celestia frowns a bit at the incorrect title but keeps quiet. “Placed me in Equestrian Intelligence and Espionage, E.I.E (Pronounced like eye) for short. Recently we discovered that Blueblood was trading national secrets for drugs from the Griffins. I hired the ShadowBolts to capture him because they are supposed to be the greatest covert operators this side of the Solar mountain range, but then they managed to turn a simple arrest completely balls up and let brother dearest escape. Luna, you can have your guards back after this is over, I don’t want them. I had planned for Lafe and I to be in the laboratory when Blueblood was caught and then have Lafe persuade him to disclose the information we need from him. Unfortunately nothing has gone as planned today.” She sighs and plops down on her haunches. “I was really hoping to recruit Lafe to utilize the information we got from him and maybe cut this war short.”

“Well, I have some good news for you,” I say. “Green wind boys!” I shout, a moment later Jacob and three other Griffins appear.

“Wat you be needin, bradda…Woah sheet! Wat de feck man?! You rattin da Greenwind bois out to de law?”

“No, nothing like that,” I assure the Griffins. “I just wanted to talk. Why is the GreenWind tribe in on this militia at the border?” I ask him.

“Dose udder Griffins, dey be doin bidness wit us, buyin reefer an roids an Dagon blud from us. We jus be doin bitness, makin coin, nuttin more. Us GreenWind bois show up at da base, we distraboot da goods, take dere coin, an we hightail it outta dere. We don wanna be in no war, we don wanna fight, we jus wanna cash in on dis ’ere opperatunity. Don ya see brudda?”

“Ok then,” I say. “Celly, what do you have to say about this?”

Celestia mumbles something to Discord and smiles. “Would the GreenWind tribe be willing to join Equestria?”

“wut you be meanin, mees preencess? Like a part a da cuntry? Like leegel citezens?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. I would be willing to grant your entire tribe citizenship if you’d be willing to help us out and then follow Equestrian laws later on.”

“Sound like a sweet deal ya got dere mees preencess, but watta we gotta do fo you? an wen we join up can we steel deal?”

“All I ask from you at the time being is to give us information on the other Griffin tribes; where they are, how many, how well trained and equipped they are, and other such things. Once you do this and the war ends you may sell Cannabis and any psychoactive plants you wish as long as you obey the laws and regulations concerning them.”

“An wat be dose laws an reegulatons?”

“Simply put; you can’t sell to anypony under the age of consent,”

“K.”

“You must provide recipts of all your sales,”

“Yea man,”

“And you must pay a tax to the Equestrian government for selling here.”

“Wait, wait, wait, hole up. How much tacks we be payin fo dat?”

“Fifteen percent of whatever your profits are.”

“So fo erry hunred coin we pay you fiteen?” Celestia nods. “Lemme tink bout et, buy a kilo fo twenny, sell et fo un hunred, profeet sitty five. OK den, you got youself a deal mees preencess! We help you wit wuterrer you be needin an den become citezens here!” the other two Griffins cheer. Jacob turns to them. “Marley, Wayne, you tu go back an teel all da Greenwind bois, but don teel nosoul else got et! Have em all cum down to Stalliongrad, we ceen stat up the bidness der, but tell em but da fiteen coin tacks for erry hunred, got et?”

“Yea man.” They say.

“Won love mah bruddas!” Jacob says and the other two disappear. “OK den mees preencess, wut you be needin to be knowin bout?”

“Let us retire to my chambers, where we can speak privately and not be overheard, Twilight, Captain, oh do forgive me, Commander Armor, you may accompany us, I grant you both level nine security clearance for the time being. Follow me if you would please Sir Jacob.”

“Ser? I lik da sound ah dat! Ser Jecob the Griffin, ser Jecob of the GreenWind, ser Jecob the ser!”

We all walk alongside Celestia and Luna through the palace to Celly’s room. While the room is large, three Alicorns, a Draconequus, a griffin, two ponies and a human seem to fill it up. Twilight sits next to me on the bay window seat, Shining and Cadance lay together on a sofa across from us. Jacob relaxes on the floor and Celly and Discord lounge on the bed. Luna is the only one still standing, she begins to pace nervously.

“What to do?” She keeps repeating.

‘What to do indeed?’

Gratuitous violence- Don Muerdenzo Manuel
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Gratuitous violence- Don Muerdenzo Manuel

This chapter stands alone from the main storyline, not reading it will not impact your experience in any way. Torture, rape, and other unsavory things wait for you, read if you dare.

Bonus side story 1

An old epic, a story, a wives tale and no more (Act III)
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

An old epic, a story, a wives tale and no more (Act III)

A calm before every storm,
A peace before every war,
Demons rise from hell,
Fallen sent by the lord.

Serenity exists,
But cannot last,
A fate of doom,
Is approaching fast.

Inner turmoil,
Rage expressed,
Feeling freed,
But long suppressed.

Ill tidings and rumors,
Of death, discord and fear,
O’er the land spread,
As the end quietly comes near.

A hero’s mind,
Split in twain,
His life in jeopardy,
His sacrifices in vain.

Any opponent he may best,
Any oppressor rid,
Any evil be laid to rest,
By a man with demons inside.

Weapons of steel,
Legions of men,
Do little to battle,
The foe within.

Disease, disloyalty,
Dishonesty and greed,
Insanity, passion,
Want and need.

A new war brewing,
New enemies to slay,
Same crises,
New day.

Our hero weeps,
And rends his flesh,
As friends are lost,
In this mess.

A heart broken,
True love lost,
A fight to reclaim it,
At any cost.

May God be merciful,
As the others take rein,
For they will show none,
All they know is pain.

Sword and shield,
Hammer and honey pot,
A hero will stand and fight,
When others will not.

A child stolen,
Away in the black of night,
And most fear that he,
Will never again see the light.

Gods in hiding,
A country in chaos,
A world’s fate sealed,
By a coins toss.

A battle that must be won,
The wait will not be long,
For the demons spawn in the dark,
And the Dragons ride at dawn.

An important quest and my number one fan
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

An important quest and my number one fan

We all stare at the silver beast as we enter Haven, it’s hard not to notice considering it’s the largest thing in the town. I park next to the town hall and we all get out, Chuck Towery runs over to us from his station and tries to debrief us. I wait patiently as the pot-bellied police chief catches his breath and starts talking.

“Damn thing flew in just an hour ago, says his name is Solomon or something like that,” I can barely understand Chuck’s thick Texan accent as he speaks so I just read his lips and hope I’m understanding correctly. “The bastard flipped an empty bus over and demanded to talk to you in particular; he seems right angry about something or other. What’s going on Mr. Ryder?”

“I was recently involved in a…small dispute with a dragon horde and I think this Solomon guy may be a king or leader to the dragons,” I walk towards the western edge of the city where the silver dragon and it’s cohorts wait, “nothing for you to concern yourself with Chief, I can handle this, you just go keep people from panicking.”

“Yes sir!” Chuck salutes me and jogs away.

“Come on now,” I shout to Fish, Dulcie, and Luna, “let’s go talk to this guy.”

It’s a five minute walk over to the dragon and despite my slow pace I manage to get their first. I stroll up to the field where the five lizards are lounging and clear my throat loudly. I can already tell that they are arranged by rank so I address them formally.

“Master Gunnery Sergeant Lafayette Ryder requesting permission to speak freely to whoever called for me.”

“Puerqedno valietgh.” The nearest one growls at me.

“Permission granted,” the silver one translates to me, “it was I, Sujenymos, king of the Dragons, who called for you Sergeant. I received word that you raided a nest and slew all of my children there. Why did you do this?”

“A dragonoid abducted my son and fled to that nest, all I wanted was to retrieve my boy but the inhabitants of the mountain assaulted me, I fought back so I could reach the peak and rescue my child.”

“Damned dragonoids!” he roars. “I wish I could find the rabid quesnenk who bred with a human, I would make him pay for the monstrosities he bore! No offense, of course, to you or your kind, just to the ones in particular who committed such…I fail to find a word in either my language or yours to describe the intensity of the crime. Please forgive me for that.”

“No worries, I would like a word with whatever dirty Shisno fucked a dragon as well, such rampant actions are looked down upon by most civilizations, he could have at least made an honest dragon out of whomever he deflowered.”

Sujenymos laughs a deep, low laugh that resonates through the valley and can be felt in my chest like a deep bass dropping at a concert.

“I think I like you, your humor is akin to mine own,” he says, “but I fear that now I must punish you for your deeds regardless of their righteousness or necessity, for I cannot allow anyone to go about killing my children and destroying my nests. Do forgive me for this, under different circumstances I believe we could have been allies, good chums even, but oh well, no use wanting for things that cannot be.” He lifts one mighty paw high into the air and swats me like a fly. His strike sends me soaring towards the horizon and tumbling once I hit the ground. When I finally come to a standstill every bone in my body feels crushed and pulverized.

“Goddamn overgrown iguana!” I gripe as I heal myself and take to the skies once more only under my own consent and control this time. I fly faster and faster until I feel a cone of air form around me and break, I feel the boom as I break the sound barrier and laugh, or try to at least, I can’t hear a damn thing at these speeds. I rocket towards Haven and within moments I can see the outline of the silver shit who so rudely sent me packing. I steer right and…

“GAHHH!”

I slam right into the king’s torso and knock him right off of his feet. I climb over his chest and past his neck until I’m looking into his eye.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, I’m like a roach, I just won’t die.” I smile and lift him back up. “Now I would like to be allies, friends even, but for that to work we have to stop trying to kill one another. How about this; I swear never to kill another dragon unless the situation forces me to and you promise to keep your children in line and never attack my people or the ponies for that matter.” I nod at princess Luna. “Deal?”

“Ugh…” Sujenymos shakes off the remaining pain from the impact and looks at me. “You’re strong, wise as well. I could see how such a treaty would be beneficial but I want more from this alliance if it is to exist.”

“Name your price.”

“My children are being molested, pestered you might say, by a race of rocs. They steal our eggs and kill hatchlings for sport. Do you think you could teach them to refrain from such actions?”

“Why can’t you do it?”

“We dragons are fast but not even the greatest of us could ever dream of catching a roc, not even the ponies you call the ‘WonderBolts’ could match these birds in speed or maneuverability. But you can, I just witnessed your powers, so go to the great sea and find the spires they nest on, kill all the oldest, largest ones you see, throw a few eggs from every batch unto the sharp stalagmites below, and steal back any dragon eggs you find. Do this and I will reward you greatly.”

“And what exactly is this reward?”

“An alliance between your people and my children, that and any one item from my personal horde of gems and jewels; that is your reward.”

“Deal.”

“King Sujenymos,” Luna speaks up and acquires the old dragon’s attention, “I am princess Luna, co-ruler of the Diarchy and bringer of the night. If Sergeant Lafayette does as he says he will do, something of which I am certain he can accomplish, can I expect a similar alliance between the dragons and my little ponies?”

“Whatever do you wish such an allegiance for? Is your nation at war, do you plan to start one, why do you want my children and I on your side? I am only joining with this human out of need and the possibility for a friendship. Why should I join with you as well?”

“My ponies have long feared your kind; I wish only to prevent there from ever being violence between our nations.”

“Hmm, may Zaranquenyes show her love to you and your kind-”

“May Zaranquenyes show her love to us all!” his cronies shout spontaneously.

“You have my words of honor, a peace will last between my children and your ponies as long as I still breath, after that I can promise nothing.” The king stretches his wings and prepares to leave. “The great dragon migration is soon to be upon us, I do hope we may use the fields near your human dwellings as a rest area, a camp ground of sorts, as we pass through. The soil here is rough and jagged, reminiscent of the shimmering stones I lay mine head on in the comfort of mine cave, and the black and white creatures you breed are most delectable. If each of mine children should bring one gem or slab of stone or bit of gold for your town might we utilize this land?”

“Certainly,” I agree, “but please don’t eat anymore of our cows, we need them for food ourselves. If you wish we could start breeding a new, larger animal for you and your family to feast on while here.”

“Excellent, I hope that you can deal with our roc problem before the migration occurs. I will speak to you again once I reach this spot with mine kin. Farewell humans, and ponies, and winged girls. May Zaranquenyes favor you.”

“May Zaranquenyes favor us all!” his companions shout again as they rise into the air and fly away towards the solar mountains. When they’re completely out of sight I turn and speak to those around me.

“Well it looks like we’re going bird hunting.”

“I think we’re gonna need a big shotgun.” Fish points out.

“Yep, well let’s go fetch Twi and then inform Tia about all this.” I finish.

We all get back into the truck and head for Ponyville, but not before reassuring Chuck and the town that everything was Ok, the sun is dipping by the time we get home and we have to stop so Luna can perform her duty. I look elsewhere when Dulcie helps Luna ‘concentrate’ on her task my rubbing her horn. After that short delay we race to town and nearly run over a sea foam green unicorn as we approach the library. I run in to get Twilight while Fish checks on the startled mare. I return a few minutes later after recruiting Spike, Applebloom, and AJ to watch the boys for us while we were gone. The latter two of the three were visiting Twi at the time. Twilight and I get in the truck and leave town. It’s not until we pass Haven again that I notice Fish’s disappearance and the stow away in the bed of the truck and by then it’s too late to head back. Twilight shouts at the mare and I finally recognize her.

“Lyra,” I ask, “just what the fuck are you doing?”

“Um…” she stutters. “Meeting a human, specifically the coolest human ever!”

I facepalm as we enter Canterlot city limits.

'The shit I have to deal with…'

Orcs, I f@cking hate Orcs
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The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

Orcs, I f@cking hate Orcs

“Not this shit again.” I grumble at the untimely news. “Griffins fucking around again?”

“No,” Celestia whispers, “much, much worse.”

“What could be worse than a few thousand pissed off Griffins?” I ask.

“Try a million pissed off Orcs.” I look over to see Discord talking as he approaches us. “One million and seven to be precise.” The chaotic deity jokes.

“Stop it.” Tia commands.

“”Sorry,” discord says, folding his arms as he speaks, “I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

“Anyway,” I butt in, “why are there a million Orcs-”

“A million and seven.” Discord corrects me.

“Ok, why are there a million and seven Orcs preparing to go to war with us?” I finish asking.

“Not preparing,” Tia says soberly, “they’re already invading.”

“Ok, why?” I ask again.

“Because they’ve managed to kill off all their women and they want more,” Discord begins.

“And they have discovered that human women can breed with them to produce healthy, fertile offspring.” Tia concludes.

“So a million-” I flip off Discord as he begins to interrupt me, “- and seven horny Orcs are coming here to kidnap and fuck all of the human women?” I recap.

“That about sums it up.” Discord agrees.

“Goddammit.” I swear.

“Yep.” Discord acknowledges.

“We should have an hour or so before they arrive, will that be enough time to prepare?” Celestia asks me.

“Yeah,” I say, “that’ll be fine.” I snap my fingers and twitch madly as my armor fuses to my flesh and my wings protrude from the bony blades of my shoulders, even after the transformation is complete my body convulses from the strain.

“Daddy!” I hear Dulcie scream as she flies over to me. “Are you ok?” I try to answer her but just collapse instead.

“Motherfu-” I begin to swear but find I lack the breath to continue speaking such obscenities. I shudder and flop around on the ground like a dying fish as my daughter and three demigods watch in horror, doing nothing to help because there is nothing they can do. My muscles spasm and lock in painful positions; my legs and arms outstretched, my diaphragm held still, and my neck twisting to angles I’d previously thought impossible to achieve without breaking a multitude of vertebrae. I attempt to shout and scream but find that my jaw is unwilling to move, I try to gasp for air but discover that I can neither inhale nor exhale, I force myself to stay conscious but soon find the strain to be just too much.

Twilight and my boys rush over to me. They’re the last thing I see before everything fades to black.

<><><><><>

“Get up.” A gruff voice orders me.

I open my eyes and look straight up at the, presumed, owner of the voice.

“Wha… where am I?” I ask him.

“Dammit!” he barks. “I meant get up out there not in here!”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I question his nonsensical statement.

“You’re awake in your head,” he says, spitting as he does, “you need to be awake out there, in reality.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m you.” he says.

“What?”

“I’m the real you,” he starts to explain, “not the ideal you, or the known you, I am the real you. No extra personalities, no exaggerated features, no lies or withheld information; I am a mirror image of you minus the smoke and magic and all that bullshit.” I take a second look at him and find that he’s not lying; he appears to be a fatter, meaner version of me who lacks my stoicism and most of my powers.

“What the fuck?!?”

“Not a pretty sight am I, or should I say ‘are you’?”

“Wut?”

“Don’t fret about it,” he says, “I’ll be gone here shortly.”

“What do you mean you’ll be gone?”

“I’m ditching you just like the others.” He expounds.

“What? Which others? Why are you leaving?”

He kneels down and looks me in the eyes with his own mutilated pair. “You already killed off Jeffery,” he holds up a single finger to represent the destroyed personality, “you brought Dallas from your mind and into the real world, that’s two,” he raises a second finger, “Dulcie left your mind when she came here,” he holds up a third finger, “all the ones that make up /B/ already abandoned you,” a fourth finger, “Molly’s getting ready to go,” a fifth finger, “and then that leaves me and the crybaby. That’s four out of seven parts gone and you’re already starting to fade. Molly’s gonna leave just as soon as the Orcs get here and imma go with her.” He laughs and stands back up. “And I don’t think you’ll last long with only lil miss sob story for a personality. I suggest you fix that sometime soon, but in the meantime-” he steps to my side and swings his leg forcefully, the kick connects with my ribs and I can feel several of them crack and a few break all the way, “-GET UP YOU LAZY FUCK!” He screams as I pass out yet again.

<><><><><>

A bright light flashes before my eyes and I instinctively cover my face form the blinding rays. It takes a moment for my lagging mind to realize where I am and what just happened; as soon as I do I sit bolt upright and shout.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!?”

“Lafayette,” a soothing voice from behind me speaks, “please calm down.”

“What happened daddy?”

“You ok bro?”

“We must hurry, the Orcs are advancing.”

I turn around to see the speakers; Twilight, Dulcie, Discord, and Celestia respectively.

“I’m calm, weird shit, no, fuck everything.” I answer all their questions rapidly in a single breath. I look up at each of their faces and see the worry, both for my personal wellbeing and for the safety of all the human women. “How long before they get here?” I ask Tia.

“A half hour,” she responds, “if we’re lucky.”

“Shit.” I mutter as I stand up.

“What’s wrong?” Twi and Dulcie ask.

“Orcs are invading Equestria,” I start to explain more but a quick glimpse of my lower body stops me. “Why am I naked?” I ask.

“Uh…” Dulcie looks away from my nude form and murmurs something incoherent.

“It was your armor.” Twilight explains. “When you put it on you began to have seizures or something so I took it off of you when after you feinted.

“I need that armor if I’m going to fight an entire fucking army of-”

“Jesus H. Christ!” a thick Texan accent cuts me off. “What in the hell is going on Mr. Governor?”

I look over at Sheriff Towery who must have just entered the room we’re in.

“Lots of shit.” I tell him. “Now listen here Chuck, I need you to go gather up everyone in Haven and get them in the bomb shelter-”

“We have a bomb shelter?” he asks suddenly.

“Yes, the entrance is the building with a sign marked “Emergency fucking bomb shelter”. Think you can find it?” I ask sarcastically.

“Uh, yes sir.” He confirms.

“Alrighty then, go get everyone in there.” I order him. He turns to leave but stops at the door.

“So why am I doing this Mr. Gov-”

“Because a fuck load of horny, overgrown, pissed off hobgoblins are coming here NOW.” I explain. “So go and do what I fucking told you too!”

“Yes sir,” he says, “right away sir!”

“Anyway,” I continue once the officer is gone, “I need that fucking armor to fight of that army so-” I snap my fingers and feel my wings and armor appear. I also feel the tremors begin to rack my body again. My appendages shake wildly and I’m sent sprawling to the ground once more. “Stay the fuck away!” I order as someone tries to pick me up. I lie on the floor for another minute as I seize uncontrollably until I finally regain my ability to hold still.

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!” I scream as I stand again.

“Wha… what was that?” Twilight asks in terror.

“Fu… fucking P...Parkinson’s.” I stutter.

“What’s that?” my wife questions further.

“It’s a disease,” Dulcie explains, “that jacks up his nerves and muscles.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me about it?” Twi asks.

“Because…because…” I fail to find the words I’m looking for in my fury. “Because I’m not fucking weak and I don’t need any goddamn sympathy about something that neither I nor any-fucking-one else can fix! That’s why!” I shout at everyone in the room.

“We could have help-” Twilight tries to comfort me.

“No you fucking couldn’t have!” I interrupt her. “Two dozen brilliant doctors and a motherfucking angel couldn’t help and neither can any of you.” I yell. “Now I want all of you to get the FUCK out of here before that god dammed Orcish army shows up and I lose my mind and start killing everything I see.” They hesitate. “FUCKING GO!” I command them.

I follow them out of the shop we had been in and into the street.

“Oh shit.” Discord swears.

I look in the same direction he’s looking to and see that he’s right; a million and seven warriors are marching straight towards us.

“God-fucking-dammit.” I mutter as they near.

With a barbaric scream of fury and hatred I charge into the forefront of the approaching phalanx of Orcs.

“When I’m done here,” I scream as I near them, “not a single one of you bastards will be left alive!”

The Orcs shout and yell in their own heathen tongues.

“I WILL KILL YOU ALL!” I rephrase myself.

And that’s just what I do.